How Do You Solve a Problem Like Roberta?

Ladies and gentlemen boys and girls welcome to the annual Stoolbend High carnival/gun exchange.

[HONKING] [ALL LAUGHING] Hey, y'all, it's me, Coach Brown the Clown.

Who likes balloon animals? Okay, here we go.

A dog.

Okay.

How about a giraffe? But I followed the book exactly.

Hey there, young man.

What's your wish? I wish I was invisible.

Okay, you will be invisible starting now.

- Hey, where did that kid go? - I'm right here.

Who said that? Sweet.

Guess I don't need these no more.

[LAUGHING] [ALL LAUGHING] Hey, Tim, your wife is a ballbuster.

Yeah.

And, uh, she has a lot of anger and she takes it out on me, so yeah, that's my life, heh.

Yeah.

Mm.

1920s flapper, the ideal woman.

She looks sexy and she can't vote.

Cleveland, where's Roberta? We were supposed to do our song.

Hang on.

Let me check my GPS tracking device.

Oh, yeah.

She's at the corner of Who Cares Street and I Don't Give A Crap Memorial Boulevard South.

[APPLAUSE] Bear? More like a cougar.

Rrr.

- Am I right, fellas? MAN: No.

Okay.

Now it's time to play Who Can Sit on a Block of Ice the Longest.

[APPLAUSE] Gentlemen, I wanna see a clean sit.

No hop outs, farts or clenching.

Go.

[GROANING] Ugh, I can no longer live on my cold sack.

- I'm out.

- Hooray! We have a winner.

And the grand prize of a romantic weekend for two or two romantic weekends for one at Virginia's most exclusive/only spa goes to Cleveland Brown.

I'd like to dedicate this win to the troops overseas.

This is what you're fighting for.

[CROWD CHEERING] Roberta, where have you been? We were supposed to do our song hours ago.

Oh, gross.

It's Mrs.

Tubbs from the principal's office talking to me.

- Oh, damn.

- Ha, ha! As if she's not her mom.

[MAKING HIGH-PITCHED NOISE] I don't get it.

We performed that song for years.

You loved singing with me.

When I was 12.

[ALL LAUGHING] Dear Lord.

I feel more pathetic than character actor Jackie Earle Haley trying to pick up chicks.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- I'm a movie star.

- What have you been in? Ever see Little Children, Watchmen or the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street? - Yeah.

- I played the child molester the serial killer and the serial-killing child molester.

Oh.

Ugh.

Hey.

- Hmm.

DONNA: Cleveland, I need to talk.

[GASPS] All right, fine.

What is it? I'm upset.

Getting stood up by Roberta really hurt.

Ha, ha.

Feelings.

Donna, all kids eventually grow away from their parents.

Except Junior, who has no need to rebel because I am to quote the T-shirt he gave me for my birthday, a "Rad Dad.

" Watch this.

- Junior, get in here.

JUNIOR: Coming.

Ahem.

No.

This is a daddy bath.

Aww.

Junior, is there anything you'd like to share? Perhaps something deeply intimate and personal.

- Well, there is this girl at school I like.

- Mm-hm.

- And I rub my armpit on her locker.

- Okay.

And as long as we're being honest, I should tell you that one time when I was wearing your underwear I had an accident and threw them out.

- Uh-huh.

Oh, and I call an AM radio station every night and pretend to be a teacher at a local high school who dedicates Miley Cyrus songs to the sophomore girl he's having an affair with.

I try to imagine what it feels like to be the girl Ah-ah-ah, that's enough.

For God's sake, that's enough.

Okay, Daddy.

You see, Donna, if you had parenting techniques as exemplary as mine, Roberta would be wearing your underwear which would hang comically and loosely off her slender frame.

You know, as much as I hate to take advice from a grown man who takes a bath I will make more of an effort to relate to Roberta.

You'll get there, Donna.

Now, grab me my towel with the hood that makes me look like Cookie Monster.

- Ugh.

Thank you.

Now, hold my hand while I pull the plug so I don't go down the drain.

Thanks for taking me to that terrible movie.

I loved it.

I'm glad we get to spend some time together.

You know I'm not just your mother.

I can also be your friend.

So how are things with Federline? We're having problems, but were fingering it out.

- What? - We're figuring it out.

I would never cheat on Fed, but I did give this other guy my number.

Look at us bonding.

So this boy goes to Stoolbend High? Well, no.

Diego dropped out to get his garbage man license.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

At least he's working.

Yeah.

I mean, he's gotta feed his kids somehow.

This boy has children? - Mom, he's not a boy.

He's 24 years old.

- What? Sorry, sorry.

My fault.

Twenty-four? Roberta, you are 15.

I forbid you to have any more contact with this man.

You can't stop me.

I've been texting him throughout this entire conversation.

Give me your phone right now.

- Aah! - Give it.

You are grounded.

Do not touch me.

- Double grounded.

- I'll elder-abuse you.

- Go on, step to me.

- Now, my final thought.

Is it too late to do a Jerry Springer reference? Hasn't he been done to death? And why the hell was he ever famous to begin with? It's because of you people.

You're all trash.

We'll be right back.

Now, when we arrive at the spa is there a room where I can store my hats? Uh-huh.

Is it climate controlled? This discussion is not finished, Roberta.

ROBERTA: I hate you! I'll call you back, Wallace.

So how is it going, Mommy un-dearest.

Cleveland, spare me.

You have no idea what it's like to raise a teenage girl.

Roberta, did you just destroy my ceramic comedy and tragedy masks? You took away my cell phone so I took away something you love.

Oh, I will drag you to hell.

Donna, may I remind you of the difference between authoritarian parenting and authoritative parenting? [MOANING] Ghost cookies floating magically by.

As for the Roberta situation, if I were handling it, I You know what, Cleveland, you are handling it.

- I am? - Well, you are the superior parent.

So you will spend the entire weekend taking care of her while I enjoy the hot spa weekend without you.

- Why? - Yo, Kendra.

KENDRA: What? - lf your fat ass can fit in my midsize SUV I'll take you to the hot springs with me.

KENDRA: I'll grease up and meet you outside.

[BOTH GRUNTING] Enjoy parenting Roberta, Supernanny.

I will! Roberta, go to your room.

Fuck you.

[CRYING] [SIGHS] - What? - Roberta.

To show you I'm a lot more fun than your square mom, here's Federline.

Your BFF.

Wait, B doesn't stand for "butt" does it? Cleveland, I broke up with this loser yesterday when he wouldn't get a tattoo of my name just because it's against his religion.

Yo, I gots to be buried in a Jewish cemetery.

- The plot's been bought.

- Both of you, just get out of my life.

- Unh! - Aah! [HISSING] Mini-dinosaurs.

Oh, why can't Roberta be as lovable as these kids on Glee? Journey and Beyoncé and Boyz II Men.

- Girls and football, but singing? - Broadway.

Marc Jacobs jacket.

[SINGING] Boo.

Roberta, I've been watching Glee and, thus, now understand you.

Well, in tonight's episode, Roberta goes out with Diego.

Oh, no, you don't.

- Oh, yeah, homey, que pasa? - Oh, hey.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH] Hey, uh, no can have you hanging around the casa tonight so why don't you just vamoose? Cómo se dice, bye-bye? Whatever.

Yo, Roberta! - I'm coming! - You most certainly are not.

- Now go back inside.

- Ugh.

Out of the way, fat back.

I'm going to Diego's place right now.

My fat back! I'll sue you, Roberta.

- You're not getting in that car.

- Unh! Ow! My fat face! Diego, help me! [ALL GRUNTING] [PHONE RINGS] Oh, hi, Donna.

Hey, baby.

They got hot tubs, cold tubs, medium tubs, lukewarm tubs and Donna Tubbs.

Ha-ha-ha.

When you coming over? I'm wasted.

Oh, really? Hey, Donna.

How you flush these fancy European toilets? Unh Aah! What was that? That was an American bald eagle.

Show some respect.

Goodbye.

Aah! [GRUNTING] Break yourself, you mark-ass buster.

[PASSES WIND] Ghost fart.

[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING] [BANGING] ROBERTA: What is? Cleveland, did you barricade me in my room? I couldn't let you go to that party tonight.

ROBERTA: Let me out! God, I wish I could go to Diego's and get trashed and forget about this.

That gives me an idea.

ROBERTA: Let me out! [GRUNTING] Roberta, calm down.

You can have a party here tonight.

Invite all your friends.

Are you serious? Yeah, I could see that.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] Well, you tried, Cleveland.

You can be a pretty cool stepdad sometimes.

Well, hey.

Why don't you go on upstairs to bed and I'll clean up.

Clean up what? No one came.

There's nothing to clean.

Except for this sandwich.

Nighty-night.

[SNORING] [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY] [PEOPLE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY] Hey, not in my plant.

Sorry, Grandma Tubbs.

- Yeah.

- What the hell do you think you're doing? Letting everyone know who I am and what I'm all about.

I'll sue you.

And you.

And you.

And you in the blue.

And you.

You are all under suit! Yeah! [ALL SHOUTING] Roberta! Federline, what are you doing in there? I didn't want my homies to see me cry.

But I don't mind if this funny squirrel sees me.

And you can forget about Ro.

She going home with him.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH] I gotta catch them.

Oh, great, and my driving gloves are at the Leathersmith.

What the? Our schools.

Thanks for getting out of bed, Archibald.

No bother.

That will be 30 cents.

Might I offer these two pumpkins as tender? Fair enough.

Now, let's get Roberta.

Those crooked kids popped my Pirellis.

[ROAR] Yo, what the blap was that? [SNORING] - Hello? - Raymond, roll down your window.

- He did? - We need your car.

- I didn't touch it.

- Oh, he's blitzered.

We need to find his keys.

Are you a girl? Okay, I'll drive.

Roberta's my boo.

I'll drive.

Wha? Is this an old Drivers Ed car? - Supposedly.

- Ten and two.

- Did you? - Are we rolling? - Take your foot off the brake.

- What? Why press the break? - Gas is on my side.

- Don't say together if you - Let me - Just count to three.

Okay.

One, two, three.

[GIGGLES] [HORNS HONKING] Okay, this is not safe.

Pull the car over and let me out now.

I will.

Ha-ha-ha.

As soon as we win this race.

Race? Hey, calm down, Chiquita.

Try some chips and salsa.

- And fajitas.

- Watch out.

Hot plate.

I don't see them.

Oh, blap me in the blap.

RAYMOND: They'll be on Coleman Boulevard.

Just two blocks east of here.

That's where he goes racing all the time.

Or tiempo.

Wait a minute.

This entire time you had cookies and didn't offer to share them? And you knew where Roberta was? I know where everybody was.

- When? - Because.

I gotta buy a bag from that kid.

Look.

Coleman Boulevard.

Roberta, baby, stepdaddy's coming for you! [PHONE RINGS] Hi, hon.

Babe, I just wanted to let you know we're on our way home.

What? Why? Kendra pooped in the hot tub and they asked us to leave.

Don't tell people.

I'll be home in about an hour.

[GULPS] Okay, okay.

Well, see you in a bit and so will most of your children.

Federline, if we don't survive this, I never liked you.

- No one did.

- Uh? [YELLING] Ha-ha-ha.

Suck my fumes, losers.

We can still win this thing.

- What? - Just listen to me.

I'll step on the gas, you step on the brake.

- I'll turn left, you turn right.

- What's that gonna do? Just watch.

[LAUGHS] Unh.

I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat.

That was a bad plan.

You all were in that car? Who was doing that amazing driving? Both of He was.

Federline, you risked your life for me? I'm risking my eternal life for you.

[BOTH MOANING] Oh, fajitas.

Ow, hot plate! I'm gonna sue you.

Come on you two.

We gotta clean up the house, or casa before Donna gets home.

Or casa.

[GROANS] Looks like an illegal immigrant.

Better bring in the deportation catapult.

- Where are you from? - Oakland.

I heard Mexico.

[YELLING] - I thought Obama was gonna get rid of this.

- Said he was.

Didn't.

- What the hell are you doing? - You can see invisible people? You're not invisible.

Why have you been letting me run around naked? Because I don't care.

Just get out of my way.

Oh.

[BOTH MOANING] Donna, I didn't think you'd be home this early.

Welcome home, Mother.

I will be upstairs completing my homework.

Cleveland, I am blown away.

I guess you actually are the better parent.

I'm a failure as a mom.

Would it make you feel any better to know that under my watch Roberta nearly lost her life in an underground street race with an Asian gang while the driver of her car was stinking drunk? - She did? - Affirmative.

Donna, parenting a teenage boy is easy.

The worst thing that can happen is he messes up some teenage girl's life.

Parenting a teenage girl is impossible.

We should cut our losses and put our energy into Junior.

Rallo made me invisible.

How did Junior get a C-section scar?