Groped by an Angel

(opening theme song)

(Morgendorffer kitchen; Jake is standing on the table and reading instructions while attempting to install a ceiling light; Daria enters the room)

Jake- Dammit! Where does it say which wire is which?

Daria - Maybe a little light will make things easier.

(Daria reaches for light switch)

Jake - No, Daria! Don't!

Daria - I was joking, Dad.

Jake - Was this green one always here?

(Daria goes into the living room, where Quinn is watching television; Quinn holds a tissue to her eyes; on the television is a man changing the front tire on an SUV)

TV Announcer - The man who rescued Donna that snowy Christmas Eve was no ordinary roadside mechanic. The authorities have no record of his existence, but someone, or something, fixed the tire on her sport utility vehicle. To this day, Donna believes it was... a guardian angel.

(Quinn sniffs back tears)

Daria - Too bad the angel didn't fix Donna's brakes before she flattened that family in the hatchback.

Quinn - You shouldn't make fun, Daria. There are some mysteries that are just beyond our knowledge.

Daria - Like the fact that the human ego is bloated enough to believe that the force that created the universe gives a crap about our blowouts.

Quinn - You wouldn't say that if your life were touched by an angel.

Daria - I'd be too busy suing for harassment.

Quinn - Daria! Don't even joke like that. Angels are everywhere; they can hear you.

Daria - Then I'm going to my room so we can talk about you behind your back. (exits)

Quinn - Some people just won't listen to logic.

(Lawndale High School; Mr. O'Neill's classroom)

Mr. O'Neill - All right, why did the soothsayer tell Caesar to "Beware of the Ides of March?" Who wants to "take a stab"? (chuckles) Kevin?

Kevin - Um, because the Ides were gonna do something mean to him?

Mr. O'Neill - The Ides aren't people, they're a time of the month.

Kevin - Eww, gross! Well, there's your answer.

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, class, before we go, Brittany has an announcement to make.

Brittany - I just wanted to tell everyone that my dad and stepmom are throwing a party for me Saturday for getting a "C-" average last semester. There's gonna be a band and everyone's invited. Even the unpopular people.

Jane - Oh, stop.

Mr. O'Neill - Thank you, Brittany. I'm looking forward to it. Now, I don't believe I have your address.

Brittany - Eep!

(Lane kitchen; Trent and Max are seated at the table)

Max - I'm telling you, these lyrics are intense.

Trent (reading) - The universe is a cold, cold place, black and bleak like outer space. The wind chill drops below subzero, it's not no time to be a hero. (to Max) That doesn't make sense. How can the temperature drop below subzero?

Max - What do you mean? Subzero means below zero.

Trent - That's what I'm saying. If subzero is already below zero, then how can it be below subzero.

Max - Well, that's even colder.

Tremt - Even if it's colder, that's still subzero.

Max - Yeah, but Trent, it's the wind chill.

(Jane and Daria enter)

Trent - Hmm, I'm just not sure that high schoolers are mature enough to appreciate what you're saying.

Jane - High schoolers?

Trent - Yeah, we got a gig this weekend at a high school party. Ugh. Makes me feel like I'm back in high school.

Jane - I wouldn't worry about it Trent, unless you suddenly find yourself doing algebra problems. I think you're safe.

Trent - Algebra... eww.

Daria - Wait a minute. Is this Brittany's party?

Max - You guys should come!

Trent - We could use the moral support.

Jane - All right, but the support will be amoral at best.

(Jane's room; she's painting while Daria watches television)

SSW Announcer - Back from beyond the grave, and he still won't pay child support! Undead deadbeat dads, next on Sick, Sad World.

Jane - Where do you want to hook up before the C-minus fest? Here or your house?

Daria - Um, excuse me? I believe going to mind-numbing parties falls under the job description of "boyfriend."

Jane - I'm giving Tom the night off. I want to spend some time with you.

Daria - Uh, huh. How long's he out of town?

Jane - A week. (shifts into "salesman mode") I heard Mr. Taylor added a faux-alligator carpet on the stairs.

(Daria stares wordlessly at Jane; she's not going for it)

Jane - A big purple painting of a safari at sunset.

(Daria's still not going for it)

Jane - Eh, too bad. Quinn would be mortified if you were there.

(pause)

Daria - One set, then I'm gone.

Jane - That's the spirit!

Daria - Spirit?

Jane - Sorry.

(Taylor house; Mr. Taylor drives to the front and stops; he's greeted at the door by Ashley-Amber)

Ashley-Amber - Ooooh! Lemme see, lemmee see, lemmee see!

Mr. Taylor - Back off, woman. This thing's practically crystal, but if it hits the pavement, it's a big sayonara to a hundred clams. All right, now, get a load of this.

(He opens a case to show a glass bullhorn with a "C" engraved on it)

Ashley- Amber - Ah, it's beautiful!

Mr. Taylor - Look at the "C", in honor of Brittany's grades. Notice any minus? No, you don't. Figure the kid's earned a little upgrade. I mean, who's counting, right?

(Brian Taylor runs over from the house)

Brian - I want a present! I want a present!

Mr. Taylor - Down, Brian, down!

Brian - I want a party, too!

Mr. Taylor - You just got one last month. Remember? I took twenty of your damn friends to the ball game. Spent fifty bucks on corndogs alone.

Brian - Corndogs suck!

Mr. Taylor - What?! Watch your language, you little turd!

(Brian screams and starts kicking Mr. Taylor's car)

Mr. Taylor - Hey, get away from that car!

(Brian runs into the house; Mr. Taylor hands the bullhorn case to Ashley-Amber and pursues)

(Morgendorffer kitchen; Daria and Jake are seated at the table; Daria is eating while Jake reads from a book as Helen brings over a plate)

Jake - Well, I'll be damned. So that's why they call it a male plug.

Helen - Where's Quinn?

Daria - I warned you. Remove those dayglow arrows from the floor and she gets all confused.

(Quinn enters and sits down, reading a book)

Helen - Quinn, is that a book you've got?

Daria - Sorry to give away the surprise, but in the end, he eats the green eggs and the ham.

Quinn - For your information, I'm reading about real-life people who've had encounters with guardian angels.

Daria - Oh, I know that book: Chicken Soup for the Stupid.

Quinn - I just finished a story about a family whose house caught on fire, and the cat saved their baby's life.

Daria - Technically, that's a guardian cat.

Jake - You know, I wanted a cat when I was little, but my father never let me have one. "Dogs are for boys, cats are for girls." (ranting) Well, you know what, Dad? I didn't want a dog, okay?!

Helen (distracting Jake) - Oh, my, aren't those diagrams fascinating.

Jake - Yeah!

Helen - Quinn, I think it's wonderful that you're discovering your spiritual side.

(Daria frowns)

Quinn - Thanks. I think I'm very spiritual.

Helen - Yes, you take after your mother in that.

Daria - You work fourteen hour days helping giant corporations find loopholes to skim on their taxes.

Helen - See? You said it yourself: helping. That's spiritual.

Daria (frustrated) - Ah.

Quinn - That's okay, Mom. Daria just can't understand because she's so unspiritual. You know, I think I'll finish dinner in my room. I don't want to be disturbed.

Daria - Too late.

(Just as Quinn leaves her seat at the table, the light fixture Jake had been working on falls from the ceiling onto her chair; Quinn looks on in shock)

Jake - Dammit, my fixture!

Helen - Oh, Quinn! That just missed you!

Jake - I mean, yeah! Are you all right, sweetie?

Quinn - Oh my gosh! If I hadn't gotten up at just that second, that would've hit my head.

Daria - Or, something vital.

Quinn - Someone, or something, told me to get out of that chair. Don't you see? This is proof that I have a guardian angel.

(Lawndale High School. Quinn is talking to Tiffany and Stacy)

Quinn - And something just pulled me out of my chair seconds before that light came crashing down.

Stacy - Wow, a real-life miracle.

Tiffany - Like in that movie about the bible.

(Sandi enters)

Sandi - I can't believe Ms. Barch banned phones in study hall. What am I supposed to do in there for an hour?

Quinn - Eeeh! Your sweater!

Sandi - Isn't it rude when people try to pretend they don't like something you're wearing because they're secretly jealous.

Quinn - No, Sandi. I almost bought that exact same sweater, but something told me not to.

Sandi - Could that something be a mirror? Because, a sweater like this only looks good on a very tall and lean figure.

Quinn - No, no, no. My guardian angel told me not to get the sweater. He knew you already had it.

Tiffany - Your guardian angel is a guy?

Quinn - I think so. I mean, whenever I talk to him about low-fat yogurt flavors, he seems very detached.

Sandi - Quinn, maybe you better stop putting your coats into storage until we know the effects of mothball fumes on the human brain.

Stacy - No, Sandi. Quinn really does have a guardian angel.

Tiffany - He saved her life.

Quinn - And, he found this earring I was missing since last September.

Sandi - But if a guardian angel is supposed to help you, why would he find an earring that's so... eighties?

Stacy - Gee, Sandi. That's a good question.

Tiffany - Yeah, its relevant.

Quinn - I guess there are some mysteries that are beyond our knowledge.

(Daria and Jane watching the Fashion Club from down the hall)

Jane - Guardian angel, huh?

Daria - At least he doesn't leave the milk out, like when the Trix Rabbit was staying with us.

Jane - I guess I can count you among the skeptics.

Daria - Let's put it this way. In my spiritual universe, if there are guardian angels, they don't care if you leave the house in clogs.

(LHS cafeteria, Quinn is taking to the 3 Js, Stacy and several others)

Quinn - And then, Mr. DeMartino asked me for the answer, so I stalled and said, "Hmm, let me see, Roosevelt's Big Deal, Roosevelt's Big Deal... " and then he said, (she imitates Mr. DeMartino) "Never mind! How about you, Corey?"

(Listening students gasp)

Quinn - I mean, it's like someone knew I hadn't done my homework and was making sure I didn't get caught.

Joey, Jamie, Jeffy - Yeah! Guardian angel. Cool!

(Sandi and Tiffany have been listening from another table)

Sandi - Quinn is so desperate for attention.

Tiffany - It's sad, really.

(LHS corridor. Jamie, Jeffy and Joey are at their lockers)

Jamie - I wish I had Quinn's guardian angel. Mine's just this creepy old aunt who'll take me if my parent's die. She smells.

Jeffy - Stupid, that's a godmother. A guardian angel is like this dude that follows you around and makes sure you don't get into trouble.

Joey - Oh, like a parole officer.

Jamie - You mean he follows her everywhere?

Joey - Yeah, sure.

Jamie - Even in the shower?

Jeffy - That pervert!

Jamie - He's way too old for her.

Jeffy - We should kick his butt!

(Nearby, the members of the Fashion Club are talking)

Sandi - I don't understand why you're making such a big deal out of this, Quinn. I mean, I have a guardian angel, too. I just don't brag about it all the time.

Quinn - Really? That's great, Sandi! What kinds of things does he do for you?

Sandi - Well, today in the cafeteria, my angel told me to have the raspberry vinaigrette dressing, because it will make my hair extra luminous.

Stacy - I had the same dressing, I wonder if my hair will get more luminous?

Tiffany - I didn't.

Stacy - Oh.

Quinn - But you always eat salad with vinaigrette dressing.

Sandi - I'm sorry, Quinn. Maybe you should tell my angel to stop being so consistent.

(Sandi's eyes go wide and she covers her mouth)

Quinn - Sandi, is everything okay?

Sandi - Uh, I gotta go!

(Sandi runs away. Stacy and Tiffany start feeling ill)

Tiffany - Oh, I feel really sick.

Stacy - Me, too.

Quinn - That's weird, I feel fine.

Tiffany - I think it was the salad dressing.

(Tiffany and Sandi run off)

Quinn - Someone, or something, stopped me from eating that dressing.

(Daria and Jane nearby in the corridor)

Daria - I didn't have it either, but I still feel like I'm gonna be sick.

(Lawndale Mall. Brittany and Ashley-Amber enter "Party Planet")

Brittany - Thanks for taking me shopping for my party, Ashley-Amber.

Ashley-Amber - Are you kidding, I love malls. They play such happy music.

Brittany - And they let you try on things.

Ashley-Amber - How do you think they make glitter?

Brittany - Hmm. I don't think we've learned that yet in science.

Salesman - Can I help you, ladies?

Ashley-Amber - Yes. How do they make glitter?

Salesman (flirting) - Why, they capture a moonbeam and crumble it up into tiny little specks of magic.

Ashley-Amber (to Brittany) - Then we can save a bunch of money by doing it ourselves.

Salesman - Are you seeing anyone?

(Morgendorffer living room. Helen is seated at a sofa, reading Quinn's book, when Daria enters)

Daria - You know, the neighbors can see you reading that through the windows.

Helen - I wanted to see what your sister's so excited about.

Daria - Why?

Helen - Oh, Daria. Must you be so quick to judge?

Daria - You're reading a book about cats with wings.

Helen - All right, some of the stories are a little far-fetched.

Daria - Carrying an amputated animal foot for good luck is far-fetched. Celestial middle-managers changing the course of human events is ludicrous.

Helen - Okay, guardian angels aren't for you, obviously. But what's the harm in Quinn thinking someone special is looking out for her?

Daria - Like a heavenly personal shopper?

Helen - Daria, why does this bother you so much?

Quinn (VO) - Ahhhhh!

Daria - Someone just mixed spring and fall fashions.

(Quinn runs downstairs carrying a pair of jeans)

Quinn - Mom! Mom! I took my new jeans out of the laundry and they have black stuff all over them. How could this happen?

(Jake enters)

Jake - Has anyone seen my electrical tape?

Daria - I think your guardian angel forgot to check Dad's pants pockets.

Quinn - Why? Why would my angel just desert me like this?

Daria - Maybe the next book you should be, When Mildly Inconvenient Things Happen to Shallow People.

Jake - Aw, you can still wear these. There's only a couple of stains.

Quinn - Dad! I'm not Daria.

Helen - Jake, why don't you tell her you'll replace the jeans, since you're the one that ruined them.

(Jake takes money out of his pocket and hands a bill to Quinn)

Jake - All right, here.

Quinn - You can't buy pants for twenty dollars.

(Jake hands her a second bill)

Daria - Hey, why can't I get money for new jeans?

Quinn - You don't wear jeans.

Daria - Well, then I need money so I can bribe a dead guy to be my guardian angel.

Helen - Jake, give them each fifty and don't negotiate.

(Jake grumbles and hands out more money)

Quinn - So there was a reason for this after all. (she looks up) Thank you.

(Quinn exits and Daria looks up)

Daria - There's no commission involved here, is there?

(Daria exits)

(Taylor house. Mystik Spiral is setting up to play for the party)

Trent - You see Max, subzero isn't one number, it's all the numbers below zero.

Max - So what?

Trent - So, the temperature can't get below subzero, because no matter how low it gets, it's still part of the subzero set.

Jesse - Set? Hey, isn't that like, algebra?

Trent - Aw, man! Dammit, sound check!

(Nick slides controls on the sound board. The resonance causes a cabinet full of glassware to break)

Trent - Um, maybe we should turn it down a little.

(Daria and Jane walking past the subdivision's guard house)

Daria - And now my once rational mother is telling me I should respect Quinn's beliefs.

Jane - Mmm. I suppose the Earth could be flat.

Daria - Even that would make more sense. I mean, watch the bloodshed on the evening news, and then tell me there are guardian angels.

Jane - Well, someone's keeping those dictators in combat boots.

Daria - Oh, come on.

Jane - You know what's bothering you? You're afraid that it's true. That the Quinns of the world fit in so well because something really is looking out for them. Everything's already been decided, they win, you lose, and whatever you do doesn't matter because the end is fixed. So, why even bother? (she stops) God, I'm depressed.

Daria - You're right. We better call it a night.

Jane - Keep moving, Morgendorffer.

(Taylor living room, Daria and Jane look around the crowd gathered in front of Mystik Spiral)

Trent - Hey, we're Mystik Spiral and we're here to honor... (reads from card) ... Brittany Taylor. 'Cause, every dog has his day!

Brittany - What'd they call me?

Jodie - They...

Ashley-Amber -They're cute!

Brittany - Yeah! Ooh.

(Mystic Spiral plays)

Trent - You put me on a short lease, and threw away my hydrant. You ate up all my kibble, now my coat's no longer vibrant. My nose is dry and chapped, but this puppy's here to stay. Scratch my belly baby, every dog has his day.

(Band members howl and bark like dogs as Upchuck approaches Ashley-Amber)

Upchuck - I don't believe I've seen your fair figure gracing the halls of Lawndale High.

Ashley-Amber - Oh, I don't go to your school. I'm...

Upchuck - Ah, then allow me to introduce myself; Charles Ruttheimer the Third.

Ashley-Amber - I'm Ashley-Amber.

Upchuck - And may I be the first to put the legend of my amorous exploits to rest? I'm actually quite sensitive to the secretmost stirrings of your heart.

Ashley-Amber - I'm Brittany's stepmom.

Upchuck (shocked) - Stepmom! (recovers and speaks to self) An older woman, a younger, willing man. Do I dare to dream? Please, don't be gentle. (Ashley-Amber is gone) Huh?

(Joey, Jamie and Jeffy seated on a sofa as Upchuck walks past)

Upchuck - Oh, Ashley-Amber... Ashley-Amber.

Jeffy - Do you think that guardian angel dude is here?

Joey - Of course he is. Look around for an old guy.

(Mr. O'Neill enters)

Jamie - There he is!

Jeffy - Dude, that's Mr. O'Neill.

Joey - Don't you get it? They take human form when they come to Earth.

Jamie - I thought it was demons who do that.

Jeffy - No, that's aliens, doofus.

Joey - Come on, we gotta keep him away from Quinn.

(Quinn walks up to Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany)

Sandi - Where'd you get the soda, Quinn?

Quinn - Oh, Corey brought... um over there.

Stacy - I was thinking. If people in really poor countries can't get food, does that mean they can't get diet soda, either?

Tiffany - But then, how do they stay thin?

Sandi - Stacy, you were what?

Stacy - Nothing.

(Mr. Taylor runs by chasing Brian)

Mr. Taylor - Come back here!

Brian - I wanna party too! I wanna party too!

(Brian runs into Quinn, spilling her soda on her pants)

Quinn - Eek!

Mr. Taylor - I'll give you a butt-kicking party, you little brat!

Quinn - My new, new jeans!

Sandi - Gee Quinn, I hope no-one thinks you had an accident.

Quinn - Oh!

Tiffany - Brr.

Stacy - Yeah, that's so humiliating, you just want to die. Um, I imagine.

Sandi - Maybe your guardian angel better give you a ride home, that is, if he hasn't deserted you.

Quinn - No, he'd never do that. He's probably just, testing me.

(Jamie, Joey and Jeffy surround Mr. O'Neill)

Joey - We need to have a little talk. Why don't we step outside?

Mr. O'Neill - Relinquish our roles as educator and student and seize the chance to "hang out" as just plain friends? That's great, Joey.

Jeffy - He is an alien.

Mr. O'Neill - No, I'm not, Jeffy. But I understand that to an adolescent, grownups can seem "alienating" at times. Now, let's head outside and rap. The sky's the limit.

(They exit and Ashley-Amber approaches Daria and Jane)

Ashley-Amber - Gee, I don't remember seeing you guys before. Are you friends of Brittany?

Jane - Brittany?

Ashley-Amber - You know, the person for whom this party is for!

Daria - Party?

Ashley-Amber - Yes, party. For Brittany, because she's become and honor student.

Jane - Brittany?

(Crowd gathered around Mystik Spiral)

Trent - Thank you. We're, um, never mind who we are. Mr. Taylor wants to say something.

(Mr. Taylor enters and picks up microphone. Brittany and Kevin also step forward)

Mr. Taylor - Hey kids! We have a little present for Brittany, to show her how proud we are. Bring it out, Ashley-Amber.

(Ashley-Amber carries the case out and presents it to Mr. Taylor)

Mr. Taylor - Brittany baby, this is for you.

Brittany - Oh, Daddy! Thank you!

(Brittany picks up the bullhorn)

Brittany - What is it?

Kevin - Um, babe, it's a hat.

Mr. Taylor - No, it's a bullhorn. You know, for cheerleading. Genuine near crystal. Borrowed again from Brian's college fund, but you're worth it.

Brittany - Wooo!

(Quinn leans against the soundboard and wipes her pants with a paper towel. While doing that, she accidentally moves a control, which starts a resonance tone in the band instruments. Nick rushes up)

Nick - Hey, you're leaning on the mixing board!

(The bullhorn shatters from the resonance)

Mr. Taylor - My bullhorn!

(Everyone looks at Quinn)

Quinn - Sorry. I'll buy a new one. I promise.

Sandi - Some guardian angel. He didn't even stop you from destroying that... item.

Quinn - I, I, oooh! Where's my angel?

(Sandi smirks as Quinn cries and runs away)

Daria - I guess now isn't the best time to break the news about the Tooth Fairy.

(Morgendorffer living room. Quinn is lying on a sofa, watching TV)

TV Announcer (VO) - But aesthetics alone don't account for the silo's round shape. You see, if...

(Daria enters)

Daria - Um, Quinn, you're watching an educational program.

Quinn - Mm. What's the difference? My angel's gone.

Daria - Maybe, he's just stuck in the engine of a jumbo jet.

Quinn - Right. You know, I know that guardian angels sound like a dumb idea, but once I started believing in them, it felt really nice. Like there was someone put here just to do things for me.

Daria - You mean, besides the entire male population of Lawndale High.

Quinn - It's not the same thing. Daria, you're smart, right?

Daria - Well, I'm no Brittany Taylor, but the occasional electric impulse does shoot through my brain.

(Helen comes down the stairs, stops and listens)

Quinn - If there are no guardian angels, what do you believe in?

Daria - I guess I believe in treating people the way you'd want to be treated.

Quinn - But, there's nothing watching over us? Nothing keeping track?

Daria - Well, there's the IRS and those guys with the black helicopters. Quinn, until I see some pretty convincing evidence to the contrary, I think we're on our own.

Quinn - But, but, that's so sad.

Daria - Um, then again, I don't have any proof that there isn't something out there.

Quinn - But what about the bullhorn?

Daria - Maybe the angel didn't think saving an overpriced, undeserved knickknack was the most efficient use of his time.

Quinn - Yeah! Maybe angels only get involved with really big stuff. He was probably playing his string thing when the bullhorn broke and didn't even hear it. That makes sense, right?

Daria - I think what makes sense is to believe whatever makes you feel best.

Quinn - You know what? I'm gonna stop relying on my angel so much for little things and let him do his important stuff and just know that if I need him for anything really critical, like a complexion crisis or an unanticipated weight gain, he'll be there. Thanks, Daria.

(Quinn exits and Helen walks up)

Daria - Don't mention it.

Helen - Quinn seems to be doing better.

Daria - Don't blame me, I tried to make her cry.

Helen - I think it's very sweet when someone puts aside her own strong feelings just to comfort someone else.

Daria - Sweet? Officer, you've got the wrong guy.

Helen - Okay, Daria. Whatever makes you feel best.

(LHS corridor. Quinn, Stacy, Sandi and Tiffany are walking)

Quinn - And then Bradley said, "If you're too busy for real date, how about a cyberdate?" And I said, "Not until the make cyber-French restaurants, buster." (she laughs) I said "buster." Can you imagine?

(Daria and Jane at lockers when the Fashion Club passes)

Jane - Little Miss Spiritual Crisis seems to have recovered from losing her angel.

Daria - Yeah, I knew her suffering wouldn't last.

Jane - The good times never do.

Daria - Well, at least we got to see a grown man try to make a bullhorn from a pile of broken glass.

Jane - And, I got to meet Amber-Ashley.

Daria - You mean, Ashley-Amber.

Jane - Right. How is it that she looks and acts exactly the same age as her own stepdaughter.

Daria - Hey, there are some mysteries that are just beyond our knowledge.

(closing credits)