Husbands and Knives

The Simpsons - Series 19 Episode 7 - Husbands & Knives.

Subtitles by STS

Lame lame lame lame have it - lame.

Superman dies Aquaman dies.

Casper dies Caveman Robin.

Black Robin Born-again Robin.

Whoa - the infamous Wolverine comic with pop-out claws.

Why was this so controversial... nice work DR Boo-hoo... your tears have smudged Wolverine's iconic sideburns.

Hence you must by this comic... and the cost of your innocent accident is..... twenty-five dollars please... but that's the money Yiayia Sophia... gave me for Greek Orthodox Easter.

I hate when they tell me things about themselves.

You should stop being so mean to us kids.

Well I suppose you could buy your comics somewhere else... maybe they sell comics at the dry cleaners... no, perhaps they sell comics at the mattress store... or perhaps you could buy your comics at... that new comic book store across the street.

Phillip K Dick it can't be... it's as if Superman moved to Gotham City... which he did in Worlds Finest Comics Number 94

See... it was an imaginary story dreamt by Jimmy Olsen... after he was kicked in the head by Supergirl's horse Comet... it never really happened... none of these things ever really happen... get out of my store.

Grand Opening.

Hey word up you guys... how g-g-goes it... my name's Milo and this is Coolsville... now listen, before everyone chills with some sweet comic... everyone gets a free piece of japanese hard candy... one for you short kid in back... down low go long.

I got prawn.

I got miso.

I got Dolphin.

Now I hope you all like Korean pop covers of Tom Jones songs... cause they're about to be blasted.

Sings 'What's up Pussycat' in Korean.

Asterix. Tin-Tin.

I heard these are only available in high school french classes.

Come on Snowy.

We must save the Belgian Ambassador... from the Black Orchid Gang.

What's that? a shot of ignition? zoot-a-loft. this castle is actually a four stage rocket... and it's headed straight for the Pompidou centre.

Oh no I ripped it.

Hey no worries little lady... these books are meant to be read and enjoyed... not hoarded and then sold when you get divorced. various expressions of wonderment form all... all right I get it... you're cool you're not mainstream... you wear a pork pie hat... mmmmmm pork pie... let's see what you know about super heroes.

Hey. I'm all about the capes.

Flame on... who's stronger the Thung or the Mulk and show you're work... woo hoo Head rush.

OK. Well the Mulk kicked a tidal wave into the sun.

Whereas the Thung gave a piggy back ride to the 1985 Chicago Bears.

Hoo boy that's a tough one.

What do you think? you want to know what I think? does Gallactus eat planets? of course I do.

Wow. I was in such a bad relationship with my... ex comic book guy I forgot how good it could be.

Mmmmmm.

Bye Bart enjoy your funny books.

Look Maggie I'm Wonder Woman.

Wo-ah I've lost my perfect 26-26-26 figure.

Never compare yourself to a stand E

Hey you're way skinnier then a lot of super-heroes.

Girthquake, Labarella.

Kearney's mom.

Shut Up her depression medication... makes her bloated.

She's depressed because you're so lame.

Shut up.

Woo, I better join the Gym before I go from hippy to hippo.

I wish my mom said cute things like that... she can't because she's depressed.

Shut up. look at all these alternative comic book creators.

Alan Moore.

Art Spiegleman.

Dan Clowes.

I've really identified with the girls in Ghost World... they made me feel like I wasn't so alone... yeah yeah whatever.

Do you know anyone who works at Batman... because I really want to draw Batman.

I'm awesome at utility belts check these out.

This is where the Batman keeps his money... in case he has to take the bus.

Uh huh.

Alan Moore, you wrote my favourite issues of.

Radioactive Man.

Oh really... so you liked that I made your favourite superhero... a heroin addicted jazz critic... who's not radioactive.

I don't read the words. I just like it when he punches people... how do you make his costume stick so close to his muscles.

Mr Moore.

Will you sign my DVD of Watchman Babies... which of the babies is your favourite... you see what those bloody corporations do? they take your ideas and they suck them... suck them like leeches until they've gotten... every last drop of the marrow from your bones.

Hey Tea-cup. Why don't you chill out?

Very Well {laughs}...

{sings} Oh Little Lulu.

I love yu-lu just the same haaaaa.

Attention comic book aficionados.

This man is not one of us.

He has a girlfriend {all gasp}

My name's strawberry my purse is a lunchbox.

Now listen up... my wayward little fan boys.

I have the most wonderful news... my store now sells ninja weapons.

Whoa... you would sell weapons of the orient to children... that is weak.

Face it Fats Hasbeen this man is the... comic book guy our town deserves.

Very well.

I guess the mature thing to do is...

{Screams}

Oh No the store's in trouble.

League of Extraordinary Freelancers.

Activate.

Mouse is in the House.

How do you like this punchline? oooh L.A.

This could be the gym for Me... you're gunna get so ripped here... we've got tummy tone with Sacha... power bounce with Zac D.

Zen Abs with Zac G. and you've just gotta try mummy and me kickboxing... who thought walking could be so difficult... well I'm sure everyone else is having trouble too... hmmmm maybe I'll just hit the showers.

Marge, you missed a spot.

I wish there was a gym for us regular ladies.

Rules No Men.

No cell phones No mirrors.

No Shame.

Marge, I wish you well... but why would women want to go to a gym... if there were no men there... watching the and judging them.

We're gunna be rich... we can finally start a family.

We have a family... a better one.

Switch stations.

I love this gym... me too.

Finally an exercise bike for women of a certain age.

Jurassic aha ha ha ha.

Mum every workout appointment is booked up for months.

We'll have to open a second Shapes.

We just need to find a vacant rental property.

I can't believe the labour board is shutting me down... you lock your workers in at night.

It's so they can't tell their stories.

Mr Krusty came to my village.

He said he would marry me.

No ring just fill apple pies all day.

Today's guest created a womens only gym... that's taken the tri-county area by storm.

Marge Simpson.

Marge, I thank you for creating Shapes... and uh my boyfriend thanks you too... when is Straightman going to pop the question? uh uh............. y'all getting german cuckoo clocks... you're getting a cuckoo clock... and you're getting a cuckoo clock... and you're getting a cuckoo clock... and you're getting a cuckoo clock.

Oh yeh Marge, I love these business trips of yours... the T.V. remote isn't nailed on... my whole life I've never been in a hotel that trusted me... hors d'oeuvres, big fancy desserts... and my wife is paying for everything... now I know why pimps are so happy... yep nothing beats living on 'wife support'

I hear that... yo guys, come meet a new husband... hey how yo doin? I'm Homer... my wife invented a gym for 'regular women' my wife invested Sky Pills, she mixed vitamins with alka-seltzer... and pretended it was medicine.

I pay ten dollars a tube for those... that's why I drive a Bentley.

Yep. I haven't decided what kind of new car to get... you better decide soon as I have a feeling... your wife will also be getting a new model... yeh she'll be trading up... and they're not talking about cars... are you sure they're not talking about cars? because those are car words.

Homer, we're all second husbands... as soon as our wives hit it big they dumped the fat old guys... they were with and married us.

Marge won't dump me.

I'm the anchor that keeps her weighed down... here's how it starts... she gets a total make-over... then she starts wearing fancy new clothes... then she stops wanting to tell you about her day... here's how you know she's really about to go... your wife seems happy and full of life... that will never happen.

Marge. Marge. the makeover... oh my god the prophecy is being fulfilled... um so tell me about your day... oh you don't want to hear about my boring old day.

I do. I do. well the first inspirational speech of the day... was by the woman who climbed Mt Everest... and got everyone else killed. hey the networks are different channels in this city.

It's O.K. I don't care that you don't care... go watch your thing... are you happy and full of life.

I sure am.

Marge, now that you're rich... you really should get rid of that bag.

Really' but I'm so used to my old one.

Old one? They're convincing Marge to dump me.

Oh it's easy I get a new one every two years... from ltaly... you would love a big black one.

Marge, get away from them... what's gotten into you?

I'm going to the successful ladies room... you guys have got to help me.

If Marge leaves I'll have nothing except my many friends... and half the fortune she is now making... and will continue to make.

Homer I'm going to let you in on a secret.

I'm a first husband.

I used to look like this.

What's your secret? oh there's no secret.

Just hard work uh-huh... exercise two hours a day O.K. keep up with the latest fashions Fashions... and of course cut out all fatty foods and alcohol... uh-huh uh-huh got it.

I know just what it will take to hang onto Marge.

Mr Simpson let me outline... the gastric bypass surgery procedure for you O.K. we put the band around your stomach... so that no solid food may enter... you see just like so.

It's a very very serious operation... you should only undergo it as a last resort... please doc. I know I'm not the... greatest looking guy in the world... but I took care of my family and that used to be enough... but not anymore... very well. If you wish... we can perform the procedure in the office today. and I know how I can knock myself out.

I'll look at your bill.

Hmm I guess considering all the training you've received... this is quite reasonable.

I've never seen anything so reasonable.

It's the bargain of a lifetime.

Dad are you O.K.

I see food on your plate instead of blurring motions.

Kids your daddy underwent a special procedure... so he can be more attractive to your mother... you had your hotdog plumped.

No. I had my stomach stapled... oh all food tastes like barf now.

Homey I'm back...

[Marge Gasps]

Welcome home Marge.

You remembered I like romance... a smart successful woman like you... deserves the very best... you also remembered I like flattery... do you like guys who are... attractive.

Homey, you look good... all for you baby... let me get a good look at you... uh uh woah woah slow down sexy beast... why don't you take some time to savor the front... what are you hiding from me? is it chocolate.

It used to be... woah - those buns are poppin fresh... yeah, I'm going to turn off the lights now... and I'll just fold this old sweaty blanket... and put it in the closet... ow ow ow ow ow ow.

Doctor, I'm embarrassed to show my body to my wife... and it's all because of your surgery... you want me to unstaple your stomach... no I want you to give me every other surgery you have... so I can look good... and can you call it an aortic valve replacement... so my insurance will cover it... no problem.

O.K. count backwards from ten... fine I admit it I'm drunk... and so to honour her success.

I bestow upon Marge Simpson... this $100 gift card to sweat pants etcetera... did someone order a superstud? oh my implants feel itchy... yes I was out of silicone rubber... so I used rolled up socks...

[crowd: gasps in horror]... he's a monster... pitchforks everyone... monster, monster monster... monster monster... cut his heart out... listen Homer I've got to be honest with you... you better not make me cry... cause I don't know where my tear ducts are anymore.

I appreciate you trying to become more attractive for me... but the truth is.

I'm way too successful for you now.

I'm getting me a trophy husband.

I don't want to live without you Marge.

O.K.

Huh? huh? what? hey. why do I look like me again? the doctor called me about all the crazy surgeries you wanted... and I said NO. but I did have him unstaple your stomach... and turn you back into the sweet man I love.

It was all a dream?

I never became a hideous monster? the only person who thinks you're a monster... is the one who had to give you a sponge bath... and dad I hope you learned something from this.

I sure have... plastic surgery is a mistake... because it hasn't been perfected to where you look really good... when it is everyone should get it.

Amen... listen Marge, I've been wondering all these years... what is it about me that you find so irresistible? lets face it you could do better... well maybe I could... but every time I look at you.

I see the same adorable boy I fell in love with... ooohhh... well there's nothing like a happy ending.

Holy Heavens. is that a meteor heading for the earth... maybe but tonight there's a benefit... for underpaid comic book artists of the 40's and 50's to the cashbar