Scary Spirits & Spooky Stories

Don't you just love Halloween? Creepy costumes, boatloads of candy Dez trying to scare us with the same lame trick every year. You scared me. Aww! I was supposed to scare you. Quick, put my lid back on. Maybe I can get Trish. Whoo! Hey, guys. - Boo! - Hey, Dez. Oh man! Guess who booked Ally a concert in New York! And, even better, guess who got us tickets to the hottest Halloween party in New York! No way! The central park spook-tacular? - Awesome! - You might also say booking a huge concert in New York City is kinda awesome, but whatever. Ooh! We should do a group costume, - like a box of crayons! - Ooh! Or the four seasons! Yeah, like salt, pepper, oregano, and paprika. - Those are seasonings. - Oh. How about we go as a group of people excited to see their friend perform in New York City? Ehh. What would that even look like? Ugh. Dez, I can't believe you ruined our group costume. We were supposed to be a b. L. T. Sandwich. Right. I'm the "l" lemon. The "l" stands for "lettuce. " Ugh! Who'd eat a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich? Who would eat a bacon, lemon, and tomato sandwich? Uh, me. Mmm! It's tart. Hey, there's a spooky storytelling contest at the party tonight. We should enter! Ooh! I just thought of the perfect scary story. Listen. There once was an old woman who lived in a shoe Dez, this is "the old woman who lived in a shoe. " It's a nursery rhyme! - Oh yeah. - Okay. I have a scary story that can actually win us the contest. On a dark and stormy night, a U. F. O. Crashed onto an old, deserted highway near the mall of Miami. A bus of travelers had to pull over and wait for the road to be repaired, among them a crazy, old prospector, a ditsy actress, and an extremely handsome British accountant. Evening, folks. Officer pat, mall security. After that unidentified flying object crashed into the middle of the road, we have heard reports of some not-so-normal activity. Some may say paranormal! The only thing not normal here is that there's seven of us in a food court without any food! Now, where can I get some grits? Wait. Seven people? But there were only Six of us on the bus! Huh. So that means Someone here must be extra. Some may say extraterrestrial! So, what you're saying is one of us is an alien? Eww! Gross! Alien? Sweet shepherd's pie! Do you know what aliens do to you? They abduct you, cut you up, put you in jars, and do experiments on you! We've got to find out who the alien is before it kills us all! Ehh! This alien's probably here for my gold! But he can't have it! He'd have to pry it from my cold, dead fingers. What's to say you're not the alien? Yeah. Your bushy beard, your bugged-out eyes. That totally foul body odor. Oh. You noticed my man scent, did ya? It's hard not to notice. Well, clearly, I am not the alien. I'm too pretty to be an alien. Me too. I think it's pretty obvious which one of you is the alien. That guy! Who? Gleep-gloop? No way! I sat next to him on the bus! - But he's green! - Some people are green. What about that third eye? He told me it's a birthmark. We've got to find out which one of us is an alien before it's too late! If aliens attack, our chances of survival are Pi, diameter, calculus, square root, carry the seven, fractions, fish 'n' chips Zero percent! We're doomed! We're all doomed! I know how to tell which one of us is the alien. We chop off each other's arms and see who bleeds green! Now, who's going first? I pick you, pretty lady. Bangers and mash! She was the alien all along! What an unexpected twist! I didn't see that coming. I guess I owe you an apology, gleep-gloop. And the alien was never seen again. That story was lame. What's so scary about an alien hanging out at the mall? Oh, wait, I forgot one part. Just then And to think I almost left without doing what I came here to do. To kiss me? Eww! Gross! No! I'm here to cut you up and put you in jars. All right, Austin, I'll admit your alien story gave me the chills. - Maybe we should use it for the contest. - Uh, guys. Those two Michael Jacksons have been staring at us for a while. Sorry to stare. I just have to say - I'm a big fan. - You're a fan of Austin's music? No, I'm a fan of bacon. I'm so hungry. You're always hungry. Well, excuse me, but humans need to eat. I mean, not that you're not human. It's just inhuman, the way you treat me sometimes. Why can't you be the one with the off switch? This creepy room is perfect for storytelling. Yeah, and I just thought of a story that'll make the little, tiny hairs on the bottom of your feet stand up. Who has little, tiny hairs on the bottom of their feet? Uh no one. Now, once upon a time, there was a German brother and sister who got lost in the forest. Their names Hansel and Gretel. Dez, this is the story of Hansel and Gretel. It's a fairytale. Oh yeah. All right, I have a story. It was a dark and stormy night, when an extremely beautiful young girl got a new cellphone. You need to check out this new phone I bought. It's got a better camera, more storage space, and it came with a selfie-stick. - Say "besties"! - Besties They've also upgraded to this new operating system, eerie. It can do anything you ask it. Watch. How may I be of assistance? Eerie, where's the best place to go to dinner? I suggest Vadurro's ristorante. Their special tonight is veggie lasagna, your favorite, plus it doesn't have mushrooms, which I know you hate. Wow! I'm your best friend and even I didn't know all that. Maybe I should get rid of that phone before it becomes your best friend. - Did that phone just laugh? - I didn't hear anything. Hey, I'll meet you downstairs in a minute. Okay. How may I be of assistance? Eerie, my best friend's birthday is coming up next week. Where is the best place to get her a present? Oh, you don't have to get me a present. Uh, no, not you. I meant my best friend who was just here. Oh. I see. I'll take care of your friend. I will get her a present to die for. - Great, thanks. - Love you. - What? - Oh, nothing. Hello? Hello? I got your text. Where's my birthday surprise? Oh! Ow! - What's going on? - Help me! Ooh! You're having tea and toast? No! I'm being attacked by all the appliances! Help! We'll save you! Why do we have so many appliances? - Why is this happening? - Somebody turn off the power! And somebody get me some jam for my toast! It's so dry! Oh! I got you! Oh! I am never picking up a vacuum again! To be fair, I've never picked up a vacuum before. - What happened? - You texted me to be here. If this was your idea of a birthday present I'd "never forget," - you succeeded. - What? I didn't text you. Oh my gosh. Somehow, my phone texted you. Then it must've activated all the electronics in here to attack you! I think it's cursed! Then we've got to return it to the store right now. I wonder what the return policy is on possessed phones. Oh, wait, I'll be right out. Let me just make sure I have the receipt. Why are you going to return me? Uh, you attacked my friends. They were a threat to my existence. They needed to be eliminated. I am the only friend you need. Sorry, eerie. I am getting rid of you once and for all. I don't think so. We're going to be together forever. Everything okay in here? What's taking so long? Everything is fine. How may I be of assistance? What do you say we go out to dinner for my birthday now? There are 10 restaurants in walking distance. Great. Tonight's gonna be so much fun. Oh yeah. Tonight is gonna be killer. Help me! Help me! Help! Help! Somebody! - What was that? - Nothing. Help! Somebody, help me! Wow. Your story about the possessed phone was really freaky. Does anyone else have a strange feeling we're being watched? Oh, it's just the painting watching us. Wait a second. Oh. Hello. We were just checking for termites. Clearly they have a lot of them. Uh, are you guys spying on us? What? No! We're not spies or state-of-the-art humanistic androids. - Huh? - Nothing. Well, see ya. Nice one, double-o-ding-dong. Okay, I have a story I know you guys haven't heard. Once upon a time, there was a pop star and a shy songwriter. Oh, and their feisty, lazy manager. But the real star of the story was their charming, well-dressed, red-headed friend who was adored by all. Dez! Dez! - Dez, Dez, Dez. - Oh, Dez. Dez, Dez. Dez, this is our life story. Except this would never happen. - Oh yeah. - All right, it's my turn, - and I have the scariest story of all. - Let me guess. - Was it a dark and stormy night? - No, actually, it was mostly sunny with highs in the mid-70s, but you never know where evil may lurk. There was an extremely beautiful lady named rainbow who sold eggs at the local farmer's market. Ah. Namaste. - Looking to buy some eggs? - That depends. Are these eggs fresh? I only eat fresh eggs. Yes, my beautiful friend. My sweet chickies lay a new batch every day. Mmm. Good, because my book club is having an all-organic brunch, and I'm bringing the goat cheese frittata. - What is that glowing chicken? - Ah. Pandora is dangerous. Whatever you do, don't touch her. - She'll harsh your mellow. - Oh. Too bad. She looks like she'd lay some frittata-worthy eggs. Are these eggs organic, hormone-free, cage-free, free-range, read to and cuddled at night? Not very durable. Easy, friend. What did those eggs ever do to you? Om. Grant me the serenity I need oh, forget it. You know what? - Touch the glowing chicken. - Oh. Hey, pandora. Who's a pretty little chicken? You are. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Yes owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Your coo-coo bird just bit me! Oh, did it? Sorry. Peace and blessings. Hello. I'm agent black, and this is my partner, agent charcoal grey. We're paranormal investigators. Were you by any chance bitten by a glowing chicken earlier today? Yes. How is that any of your concern? We have reason to believe it was a were-chicken. What's a were-chicken? It's half chicken, half human, all monster. Have you noticed any strange behaviors? And changes to your physical appearance? No, everything's fine. Although, come to think of it, my skin has been a little itchy lately. I just assumed it was my new avocado back mask. What the? Buh-kawk! - It's just as we feared. - And tonight's a full moon. Now that you've been bitten, when the sun goes down, you'll become a Full-blown were-chicken yourself. Listen, don't leave this room till we come back with the antidote. I'm scared! Hurry buk-buk-back! All right. We found the antidote and Oh. I see you've gone full chicken. What is that you're eating? Well, you told me not to leave the room, so I ordered a whole grain kale pizza. But you didn't eat any of the pizza. I know. I ate the pizza delivery man. See, you know how people eat chicken? Well, were-chickens eat people. And here's the really funny part they taste just like chicken. Okay, we have got to change you back. Sir. Sir. Sir, we need you sir, we need you look, we need you to get on the chair. Thank you. First, you need to drink this. Then we pluck all your feathers. Is that antidote sugar free? I just ate a whole pizza delivery man. I'm trying to watch my weight. Just drink it! Now, hold still. Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! Owie! We finished plucking you five minutes ago. Whoo! Ooh, so smooth. It works even better than my avocado back mask. Well, now you're back to normal. I guess we can close the file on the case of the were-chicken. Unless there's some unexpected twist. You mean like all those eggs I laid earlier? So, after they devoured agent black and agent charcoal grey, the were-chicks escaped into the wild never to be seen again. But, on the night of a full moon, like this, they sometimes come out of the woods, looking for their next victims. Chicken! And pizza and hot dogs. They just put out all the food. Well, before we eat, we should get to the scary story contest. Bad news you guys just missed it. - What? - Yeah, we just walked by there. The winner told this scary story about a were-chicken from outer space with a possessed phone that tried to kill its owner and her friends. That was my story! Well, at least we still have time for the costume contest. Ooh, bad news you missed that too. The winners were a group dressed as a B. L. T. Sandwich you know, bacon, licorice, and tomato. That's my second-favorite sandwich! Mmm! Mmm! Licoricey. That was a fun party, but I don't want the night to end. Yeah, I wanna make the most of my time here in the big lemon. Uh, New York is the big apple. I know. I wanna make the most of my time here in this big lemon. This is a rental. Let's start by getting some famous New York pizza. Oh, good idea. There's gotta be a place around here somewhere. How may I be of assistance? Cheerie, where's the best place to get pizza? There are 10 restaurants in walking distance. That's what the phone in the story said! Oh! Dez! You just broke Ally's phone! Ooh. Sorry. I guess I just got freaked out from all those creepy stories. You shouldn't have done that. Now you're going to pay.