Dance Like No One's Watching

1 Okay, KC, the smuggler we're looking for visits his grandfather at this senior center. He only comes once a week, so this is your only chance to get that tracker on him. Don't mess this up. KC: I know, OK. Ernie, will you stop reminding me! It's gettin' old. Hey! How ya doin'? Bernie Burns. Only two things visible from space, all right? The Great Wall of China and that ugly shirt! Ay! Oh! You just got burned by Bernie Burns! Oh, man. Look at these two. More wrinkles than a box of raisins. Ay! Oh! Burned by the Burnster! Hey! Bernie Burns here. I used to be a nightclub comedian. You know what happened when I played Atlantic City? Everyone left and went to Vegas. Ay! Oh! I just burned myself. Nobody's off-limits! (Theme music playing) Oh, when danger comes for you You know I'll stand beside you 'Cause ain't nobody keep their heads so cool I'll always find a way A way out of the fire But don't tell nobody, tell nobody I'm not perfect So many things I wanna tell you But I I keep it undercover! Living my life on red alert Doing my thing, I'll make it work Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless But I always got your back Nobody can do it like I can I gotta find out who I am Ain't got to worry about me It's all part of the plan I keep it undercover I keep it undercover (Indistinct chatter) Hey, Grandpa. Ernie, I've got eyes on the target. I'm gonna make contact and get the tracker on him. Hey, is that who I think it is? Look at you. I remember when you were just a little whipper snapper. Now you're a big snapper, huh! What, you don't remember me? I got your nose. Now you remember me? Give your Uncle Bernie a hug. You you must think I'm someone else. Well, I mean, I'm old and confused. So give me some sugar. But not too much, I got blood work on Tuesday. Would you just please leave me alone? Oh, Dolores, I think we got a live one here. Ooh, check out that orange velour. Who is that hunka-hunka? I'm not who you think I am! Hey, neither was my first wife. I thought she was sweet. She thought I was rich. We were both wrong. At least that's what I told the lawyers! Ay! Oh! Oh, be still my beating heart. But not too still. I don't want them to have to get the paddles again. I'm Irma. Who are you? Now is not really a good time, lady, all right? (Stutters) I think you got me mixed up with somebody else. I ain't no lady. KC: OK! Ernie: He's gone. I don't mean to be an "Ay! Oh!", but thanks to you, we gotta wait a whole week. It wasn't my fault. Playing hard to get, huh? I like that. Look, lady, all right? You're just not my type. Type? Who's got a type at this age? Besides breathing and upright. And I'm negotiable on the upright part. Look, make like my dentures, and get out of my face! You, sir, are rude, crude and obnoxious! You remind me of my late husband, Morty. How about a cup of coffee? Decaf, of course. OK. Turn up your hearing aid, Grandma! OK? Not gonna happen! Fine. Never mind. (Sighs) I'll just go back to my lonely apartment and sit all alone, look up at my Morty's picture and wait for my next date with the Grim Reaper. And I hope he comes a-calling real soon. (Crying) You didn't let me finish. I don't like coffee, but I do like tea. How's tomorrow afternoon? Ooh, sounds like a date! Ooh! It sure does. (Video game sounds) Hey, Petey. Make yourself at home. Your home. If you don't like me, why do you invite me over? I didn't. You came through the cat door. Which is weird, because you don't even have a cat. We were hoping to attract one. But instead, we got you. Game over! Go home, Petey! Fine. Hey! What do you think you're doing? How would you like it if someone came to your home and threw you on the floor? Please, it's just a stupid machine. What. Did. You. Say? I said it's just a stupid machine. I apologize for Petey's behavior. You hear about discrimination, but you never expect to see it under your own roof. So the food bank was thrilled with my idea to throw a school dance fundraiser. I know you're going to raise money, raise awareness, and raise the roof. Ha! See what I did there? Yeah, I saw it, and I'm ignoring it. All right, so what do you need me to do? Um Ooh, get you a DJ? Did it. How about the gym? Did it. Make posters? Did it. Ooh, make an awesome playlist? Dear Lord, no. I took care of everything. All you have to do is show up, support me, and dance your butt off. OK, well, I will definitely show up and support, but I do not dance. Oh, snap. Uh, you know what? I actually gotta go. I have a date. A date? Oh, yay! Tell me about him. What's his name? Irma. Irma? What's his first name? That is his first name. Well, it's her first name. Wow, just when you think you know your best friend's type. She's eighty! Again, just when you think you know your best friend's type. What do you guys talk about? Her childhood memories of Abraham Lincoln? Marisa, stop it, OK? Look I met her while I was undercover as an old man. So, I'm just having tea with a nice, lonely lady, so I don't hurt her feelings. OK, but you're now rolling with an older crowd. So, do not let her pressure you into doing something that you don't want to do. Like watching the weather network, or doing water aerobics, or getting a pacemaker. When you see the waitress, ask her if I could have another cup of tea. OK, look, lady. There's no free refills, and I'm on a fixed income. Bernie, I'm having such a good time. You put the twinkle back in my eyes. You sure that's not just the cataracts? (Both laugh) Bernie, you are a riot. And I should know. I've lived through seven of them. Oh, there's the jukebox. Bernie, dance with me! Oh, no, no, no, no. I do not dance. Oh, don't be silly. Everybody dances. Nope. Not me. I'm just, uh, no good. You ever seen a seal begging for fish? (Imitates seal) He stole my best move. (Both chuckle) There is no good or bad. The trick is to dance like no one is watching. How about we just, uh, talk like no one's listening? Come on, Bernie. We may be old, but we got a lot of life left to live. If not now, when? It seems like five minutes ago, I was a sixteen-year-old kid. Back then, I didn't go out. I didn't date much. I was so serious. I always had my nose in a book! I didn't even have that many friends. (Sighs) To be sixteen again. Boy. I sure would do things differently. Wouldn't you, Bernie? Uh, in some ways, I would. Well it's time to grab life by the snickerdoodles. We gotta live! Come on! The time is now! (Swing music playing) Here we go, Bernie. Just move it a little. There you go. Come on. Keep your feet moving. That's it. There you go, Bernie. Yeah, you can put your arm right there. Right there? OK. See? It's not too bad, is it? I'm gettin' it. I'm gettin' it. All right. All right I knew you could dance. I knew it. I knew it. Oh, Bernie! (Laughs) Yeah, you're good! You know what? I gotta be honest with you. I'm having a blast! And I don't care who's watching. OK! All right. Enough with that. OK, Bernie. (Music continues) (Cheering and applause) (Cheering and applause) (Both snoring) You know, I was thinking about what you said about machines being stupid? Yeah? I was wondering if you wanted to take it back. Why? It's not like machines can get their feelings hurt. Alright, you had your chance. Could you please get me a juice from the fridge? Sure. Ow! Ow. Is there a problem, Petey? Hey! (Groans) Look out, Petey! Snack attack! Judy, what's going on? Oh, you know how it is with those stupid machines. (Whirring) How's that happening? Stay away from me. (Screaming) Oh, hey, KC. I was Are you eating prunes? Well, yeah. Actually, they're surprisingly tasty, and I mean, I could use the fiber. Okay, uh, I know we tell each other everything, but let's not tell each other everything. Hey, where were you yesterday? Oh, I was out at dinner with Irma. At 4:30? Well, yeah, you gotta catch the early bird special. Hey, if you don't get there before five, you don't get the free baked potato. OK. Well, why didn't you just call me after? I went to sleep! It was 7:30. I was falling off my feet. OK. Take a nap, Grandma. Because tonight is my big fundraiser dance. Oh, uh, right. Marisa, about that, I'm really sorry, but I can't come tonight. I got to be at the senior center. Are you kidding me? You have a mission tonight? Technically, the mission doesn't end till next week, but Irma and I, we're in this bridge tournament. I swear, that woman just makes me feel young again. You are young! Hey, watch your tone, Missy. See, back in my day KC, this is your day! Marisa, look. I know that I've been spending a lot of time with Irma, but the truth is we get along great. And she's had so many experiences, you know, I'm just learning a lot about life from her. Did you know that senior citizens are our nation's greatest untapped resource? KC, the food bank is counting on me and I was counting on you to be there for me. I remember when I was your oldest friend, but apparently, now your senior pal is more important than I am! (Impersonating Bernie) Well, I haven't heard yelling like that since my late wife, Shirley. Wow! She's right. I'm in way too deep. (Music playing) Thank you. (Electronic dinging) OK, Marisa. I'm sorry I'm late, but I am here. What do you need me to do? Nothing. Marisa, are you still holding this grudge? Look, anything you need, name it, and I'll do it. KC, I I really don't need your help. OK, Marisa. This is ridiculous. I am your best friend. Come on! You got to let it go. KC, listen to me. I do not need your help because (In a sing-song voice ) I did it all myself! (In a sing-song voice) What are you talking about? The dance is a huge success. I collected a ton of canned goods and I tricked everyone into giving me every dollar they had! (Both laugh) Speaking of which Oh, right. There you go. Thank you. Wow. Marisa, I am really proud of you! Thank you. But more importantly, I'm proud of myself. Turns out I am a lot more capable than I thought I was. So there is literally nothing I can do? Actually, there is. Go play bridge with Irma. She needs you more than I do. Aww! Look at you just growing up in front of my eyes. Bernie, where is he? (Phone beeps) Oh, how do you work this darn thing? Hey, did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid? Neither did he! Ay! Oh! (Laughs) Bernie! You made it! I was so worried that something might have happened to you. Like what? Angina, shingles, gout? At our age, any one of those could've had you in bed for a week. Both: Ay! Oh! All right. Now, let's go win this tournament before the rest of my hair falls out. Good night, Ma! Judy: I don't know how you sleep at night. Who said that? (Alarm beeping) Judy: The machines have a wake-up call for you, Petey! (Siren wails) (Train whistle blowing) (All sounds together) Judy, what are you doing here? Showing you that machines aren't as stupid as you think. (Screams) What do you want from me? An apology! Say it! Machines aren't stupid. Machines aren't stupid! Machines aren't stupid! Alright, I'm good. Judy? Yeah? I'm going to assume this was a really bad nightmare. But either way, can you get me another pair of underwear from that top drawer? Someone bring out the marshmallows, because the Burnster's on fire! (Cheering and applause) Thank you, thank you. (Indistinct chatter) Uh, can we, uh, take a little break? Because, uh I forgot to take my vitamins. Oh, you heard him, you old farts. Bernie needs a break. (All laugh) Ernie? The target showed up a couple of days early. I got to get the tracking device on him. Ernie, are you there? Ernie! TARGET: Hey, Gramps. I know it's not Tuesday, but I was in the neighborhood. Hey, How are you doing, you old so-and-so? You again? What is it with you? I believe I have something that belongs to you. Ah! I got your nose! (Laughs) Good kid. A tracking device? That's why you've been bothering me. You're really a Confused old man? Hey, give me a hug! (Grunting) Bernie! What're you doing? Just deal the cards, Irma. I'll be there in a second, all right? (All gasp) That young hooligan is beating up my Bernie! Come on, this is our chance to prove we're still alive! Seniors attack! (Target groans in pain) IRMA: You leave my Bernie alone! Alright, guys, back it up. Back it up. I got it from here. (Grunts) (All gasp) That's right, young man. You just got burned by Bernie Burns! (Cheering and applause) Oh, Bernie. That was wonderful. I don't know what kind of vitamins you're taking, but can I get some? (Laughs) Oh, Bernie! Hey, uh, can I sit here? It's a free country. Thanks to my generation. Hey you look familiar. Have we met? Uh, no, I don't think so. I just started volunteering here. I'm KC Cooper. I'm not telling you my name. Identity theft. It's all over the news. Gotcha. Hi, KC. Oh, hey, Marisa. Hey, take a look at that hunka-hunka. That is my best friend Marisa and her great unkle, Wally. He's single and you look ready to mingle. Oh, please. I am over men. The last guy I was into really burned me. Well, hey, it's never too late to grab life by the snickerdoodles. You've got to live. Come on. The time is now! You know, that is very good advice. You're an old soul. Well, let's just say I had a friend who taught me a lot about life. Go on. Hey! Back off, Etta, he's mine! Hi, I'm Irma. (Both giggle) (Swing music playing) Oh! Oh, yeah! I love this song. Let's dance. What? You want to dance? Oh, yeah. Come on. We're young and alive, aren't we? But Wha What are you doing? I'm dancing like no one's watching. Actually, uh, everybody's watching and I'm very uncomfortable. Woman: Rob, your name's on TV!