Smells Like Trouble

(Setting: Odiferus, outside the city gates. Two guards are jumping up and down, making huge holes in the ground.)

Guard 1: Ha! You couldn't even uproot a tree! Watch me! (jumps high into the air; the force of his landing knocks the other guard off his feet)

(A non-Odiferan peddler drives his wagon up to the gates.)

Peddler: Excuse me, gentlemen!

Guard 2: Gentlemen?

Guard 1: No gentlemen here. We are Odiferans!

Peddler: Excellent! Then you are sure to be tempted by my rare treats and delicacies!

(The first guard starts rummaging through the cart.)

Peddler: (holding out two sticks of peppermint) Tasty minty sweets! Your breath will be an oasis of freshness!

Guard 2: Got any cheese?

Guard 1: He must have cheese in there somewhere!

Peddler: Exotic speckled eggs! Plucked at great risk from a nest at the summit of Inferno Mountain! (holds out a basket of green eggs with purple spots) Makes a man-sized omelet!

Guard 2: Ha, with cheese!

Peddler: Eh, no. But lookie here—

Guard 2: So you have no cheese?

(The peddler shakes his head no.)

Guards: (together) He has no cheese!

Peddler: But, good sir!

(The second guard picks up the peddler's horse, puts it in the cart, then kicks the cart so hard that it rolls backwards down the road past the horizon.)

Guard 2: No cheese!

Guard 1: And they call us barbarians!

(The guards start jumping up and down again. One of the peddler's speckled eggs is on the ground next to them. As the guards jump, the force of their landings crack the egg.)

(Setting: Odiferus, Uncouthma's palace.)

Uncouthma: Welcome back to Odiferus! (lifts Aladdin up into the air) Oh, my flimsy friend Aladdin, it has been too long, time-wise!

(Genie, Iago, Abu, Carpet, and Uncouthma's wife Brawnhilda are all watching.)

Genie: Here it comes…

Aladdin: Hi, Uncouthma!

(Uncouthma hugs Aladdin. We can hear a crunching sound and Aladdin winces.)

Brawnhilda: Tiny one! My heart muscle soars!

Aladdin: Oh no…

(Brawnhilda hugs him as well.)

Aladdin: Uh, it's good to be back, Brawnhilda.

Uncouthma: Oh, just in time for the semi-annual Odiferus Cheese Festival!

Aladdin: What?

Brawnhilda: A celebration of sour yak milk in its most delicious solid form!'

Aladdin: That was your big surprise?

Brawnhilda: Oh, no. This is!

Uncouthma: Presenting Uncouthma Limzola Stenchworth, Jr., our son.

Aladdin: Your son?

(A little redheaded boy kicks down the palace doors.)

Uncouthma Jr.: Pop! 'Laddin here?

Iago: Their son.

Genie: Aw! You're cute, Junior!

(The boy picks Genie up, crushes him into a tiny ball, and throws him across the room, where he lands in a cheese.)

Brawnhilda: Oh, he hates being called Junior. We call him Bud.

Genie: You couldn't have mentioned that earlier?

Bud: 'Laddin! (hugs Aladdin)

Aladdin: (wincing in pain) Hi, Bud.

Iago: Oh, if they introduce any more relatives Al's spine is a goner.

Uncouthma: (picking up Genie) Come, blue one! To the fairgrounds!

(Setting: the fairgrounds. Uncouthma is playing a "ring the bell" game: he hits a mallet to one end of a plank of wood, and a large round blue cheese on the other end of the plank shoots up into the air, ringing the bell.)

Uncouthma: Who's next for this moldy-but-goodie? Feeble friend Aladdin, care to bang the bell?

Aladdin: Uh, I don't know…

Iago: Maybe the kid should challenge them to a spelling bee instead!

(Aladdin sees Bud watching him admiringly, then goes over to the mallet rack and chooses the largest mallet, which is as large as he is.)

Aladdin: We'll see who's feeble!

(Abu runs up to Aladdin and tries to hand him a tiny mallet.)

Abu: Ta da!

Aladdin: No thanks, Abu. This is more my speed.

(Aladdin tries to pick up the mallet, but can't lift it. He drags it over toward the game.)

Genie: (who has taken the place of the blue cheese in the game, whispering) Just tap it, Al. I'll do the rest! (winks)

(Genie zaps the mallet, making it lighter. Aladdin picks it up, still thinking it's heavy, and falls over backwards.)

Bud: Hmm, never saw a hero do that before.

(General Gouda picks up the mallet.)

Gouda: A true hero smashes and bashes! Like so! (hits the game hard with the mallet, sending Genie flying high into the sky)

Bud: (scowling) 'Laddin bad basher!

(Setting: the Odiferan city gates. The two guards from earlier each have a plate of cheese and are taking turns punching the ground as hard as they can.)

Guard 2: Say I'm the better basher!

Guard 1: That hardly shook my spleen! Try this!

(The tremors have finally broken open the speckled egg, and a purple and green lizard comes out of it. It smells the guards' cheese, then runs over and starts eating it.)

Guard 2: (picking up the lizard) Leave my snack alone, little scaly thing!

(The lizard breathes in the guard's face. He falls over, unconscious.)

Guard 1: What?

(The lizard breathes on the other guard, who also falls over. As the lizard scampers under the gate and into the city, we can see the guards' faces have turned green with purple spots.)

(Setting: the fairgrounds. Many Odiferans are crowded around long tables, stuffing their faces with cheese.)

Man: General Gouda, is not our feast well curdled?

Gouda: Odum, you know your cheese!

(Genie and Aladdin are looking for a place to sit.)

Genie: Oh, there's more room inside my lamp than in here!

Aladdin: Maybe the other guys were right about skipping the feast.

Genie: (creates a crowbar and tries to pry a space between two Odiferans) Yeah, ordering a pizza is looking real good about now. (can't move the Odiferans, and is catapulted across the tent, where he lands in a pile of cheese)

(A passing Odiferan knocks Aladdin to the floor. Brawnhilda picks him up.)

Aladdin: Huh?

Brawnhilda: Let me find a place for you! You'll be safe from bruises here at the kiddie table. (sets Aladdin down at a table next to Bud)

Aladdin: Huh, thanks.

Bud: 'Laddin sits with me!

(The lizard, smelling the cheese, enters the tent.)

Bud: Can 'Laddin do this? (bends a fork)

Aladdin: Strongest is not always best, Bud.

(Uncouthma and Gouda hear this, and are so shocked they drop the cheese they're eating.)

Genie: (holding a particularly stinky cheese) How true. (slingshots the cheese away; it lands under a table where the lizard eats it)

Gouda: Do not fill this boy's head muscle with such flimsy fibs!

Uncouthma: (to Bud) Do not forget, Aladdin once saved your pop's life.

Bud: Thanks, hero 'Laddin! (tries to give Aladdin a high five and knocks him to the ground)

(Under the table, Aladdin sees the lizard. Seeing him, it runs away. Genie then appears in front of Aladdin.)

Genie: Ooh, are you okay?

Aladdin: Did you see—

Gouda: (picking Aladdin up) Aw, did the toddler hurt our dainty little legend? (laughs)

Aladdin: There was some kind of animal or something down there.

Genie: Well! Your true feelings have come out!

Aladdin: Not you, Genie. Some little thing scampered—

Gouda: Oh, don't be afraid of tiny scampering things. We'll protect you, hero! (laughs and walks away)

Bud: Pop, are you sure this is the 'Laddin?

Uncouthma: Make no mistake, this is Aladdin! (slaps Aladdin, knocking him to the ground)

Aladdin: Yeah, Bud. I'm me.

Odum: That little Aladdin is flimsy but funny! Bud nearly broke him in two! (laughs, then sees the lizard eating his cheese) My cheese!

(Odum raises his fist to smash the lizard, but it breathes on him, knocking him out. It then scampers away.)

Bud: Odum?

Aladdin: What's wrong with him?

Genie: (wearing a stethoscope) In my professional opinion, I'd say he's out like a light.

Uncouthma: Ah, do not worry about Odum, his heart muscle is strong. He's just a party animal!

Aladdin: But look at his face! That's not normal!

Gouda: Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk! How typical of a flimsy fellow!

Aladdin: All I'm saying is—

Bud: Very typical! Very flimsy! (walks away)

Aladdin: I'm not that flimsy!

Genie: True, you're just not a barbarian! Your hygiene alone is far better.

Aladdin: I'm gonna prove myself to Bud.

(Setting: a boxing ring, in another part of the fairgrounds. Genie and Aladdin, who is not wearing a shirt, are inside the ring, and several Odiferans, including Uncouthma, Bud, and Gouda are seated around the ring.)

Genie: (rubbing Aladdin's shoulders) So you think Bud will like you more if you're pulverized into a liquid state.

Aladdin: See, Genie? Now even you think i'm flimsy!

Genie: Well, yeah, compared to a guy named Humongor!

(A huge muscular Odiferan is now also in the ring, shouting at the top of his lungs and flexing while the spectators cheer.)

Bud: Humongor can bash like no other!

Uncouthma: Ah, but he faces Aladdin!

Iago: (landing on Uncouthma's shoulder) Ya think the kid stands a chance?

Uncouthma: Of course, he is Aladdin!

Iago: Care to place a friendly wager on the bout?

Uncouthma: Aladdin will win!

Iago: (to himself) Oo, what a sucker!

(Humongor tries to hit Aladdin, who dodges. Aladdin grabs Humongor's arm, but is lifted into the air. He punches at Humongor's arm, while the larger man looks annoyed, but unhurt.)

Uncouthma: Canny move, frail hero!

Gouda: Crush the flimsy coward!

(Humongor yawns as Aladdin keeps punching his arm. The crowd laughs. Humongor finally tries to hit Aladdin, but he does a somersault off his arm and runs to the other side of the ring.)

Gouda: Coward!

Bud: Go bash the frail one, Humongor!

(Humongor tries to pick up Aladdin, who is clinging to the rope surrounding the ring.)

Genie: Al won't approve right now, but he'll thank me in the morning… if he's still alive! (turns into a bell and rings) That's it for round one, fight fans!

(Humongor lets go of Aladdin, slingshot-ing him out of the ring, where he knocks over the bench Uncouthma, Bud, and Gouda are sitting on. Gouda tosses him back into the ring.)

Iago: Surrender, kid. You'll come out alive and I'll come out ahead!

Aladdin: I don't want the Odiferans to think I'm a coward!

Iago: It's too late for that! Yet not too late to see a profit.

Genie: Al, it's time to—

Gouda: (ringing the bell) Fight!

(Humongor stomps on the other end of the plank Aladdin is standing on, knocking him up into the air. When he lands, he sees the purple and green lizard in the ring with them.)

Aladdin: Huh? Hey, it's that thing! Some kind of lizard!

(Humongor runs over and puts Aladdin in a headlock. The lizard breathes on Humongor's face. Humongor then lifts Aladdin up over his head.)

Gouda: The frail one is lost!

Bud: End it, Humongor! End it!

Genie: The bell can't save him now!

Abu: Uh oh!

(Humongor coughs, his face turns green with purple spots, and he passes out.)

Genie: I knew the kid could do it!

Abu: Wow!

Gouda: It cannot be!

Uncouthma: Aladdin wins!

(Iago tears out his feathers in frustration.)

(Uncouthma starts to hand Aladdin a trophy made of cheese, but notices the lizard inside of it, chewing on it.)

Uncouthma: Don't eat my frail friend's trophy!

(The lizard breathes on Uncouthma, who passes out. It then runs away.)

Aladdin: Uncouthma! That's what I saw before!

(Setting: the Odiferan palace.)

Brawnhilda: First I will care for my mighty man… then I will smash that lizard thing! This is personal!

Aladdin: But—

Gouda: Fear not, Princess Brawnhilda. I will smash the lizard thing!

Bud: And I will help you smash the thing!

Aladdin: You can't just smash it. You don't even know what it is! We've gotta find that creature and—

Gouda: And smash it!

Bud: Maybe you are afraid, little half-hero, but we will smash the lizard thing that hurt my pop!

Aladdin: There's more here than just some little lizard thing.

Iago: Don't tell me: it's up to us to figure out what it is.

Genie: Al, the Odiferans don't even know what that thing is, and they live here!

Aladdin: Then maybe it's not from around here. Come on!

(Setting: the city gates. Aladdin and his friends find the two unconscious guards.)

Aladdin: Just like the others!

Abu: Hey! (points at something)

Aladdin: Yeah, I see 'em, Abu. Wheel tracks.

Iago: Yeah, right, monkey. Like the lizard was cruising around in a late model cart.

Aladdin: It's worth a try. Come on, Carpet.

(They follow the tracks on Carpet.)

Aladdin: Down there!

(They see the peddler's cart, which is overturned, and land next to it. Abu sees the peppermint sticks spilled next to the cart and picks one up.)

Abu: Yum!

Genie: (dressed as a policeman, takes the peppermint away from Abu) Don't tamper with the evidence, rookie! (smells the peppermint) Mmm, minty! Ahem! We'll just take this back to the crime lab!

(Carpet reaches underneath the cart and starts to pull something out.)

Aladdin: Carpet? What is it?

(They pull the peddler out from under the cart; he's unconscious, and his face is green and purple.)

Genie: (holding pieces of eggshell) Look at this! Be my guest. (turns his head into a microscope)

Aladdin: (looking through the microscope and the green and purple eggshells) It's the same color as the victims' faces!

Genie: So the lizard hatched from that egg!

Iago: Oh, fellows? What's worse than a lizard with killer breath? (points to several other hatched eggs) Try half a dozen of those little stinkbombs!

Genie: Yeauch! The town must be crawling with the creepy critters! Lock the doors! Batten the hatches!

Iago: Why? They oughta fit right in with the fine citizens of Cheeseville!

Aladdin: That's it! Every time I saw that lizard it was eating cheese!

Genie: So, those little purple lizards and the stinky Odiferan cheese… it's a dangerous combination! Like… cookies and milk!

Aladdin, Iago, and Abu: What?

Genie: Oh, dangerous to the waistline.

Aladdin: (lifting the peddler onto Carpet) We've gotta tell General Gouda!

Iago: That'll require single syllable words. Even then, good luck.

(Setting: Outside a building in Odiferus. Aladdin and his friends have just arrived back.)

Gouda: (from inside) Smash! (grunting sounds)

Genie: Looks like Gouda's taking the subtle approach to the situation.

(The building's doors fall off their hinges, and we can see Gouda and Bud inside, hitting the floor with clubs.)

Bud: Smash and bash!

(The beams holding up the building begin to fall down. Part of the ceiling collapses onto the two Odiferans.)

Aladdin: We gotta dig them out! (starts moving the fallen stones)

Iago: It was the way they would have wanted to go: violently!

(Gouda emerges from the pile of rubble, holding a lifeless-looking lizard by its tail.)

Gouda: We have smashed the enemy! Let us celebrate.

Aladdin: But General Gouda, you've destroyed an entire building to stop one lizard.

Gouda: Impressive, mm?

Bud: We smashed tiny thing!

Aladdin: General Gouda, there's more than one of those lizards.

Gouda: Then we'll smash them all!

Bud: Ooh! More smash and bash!

Genie: Try again, Al.

Iago: Remedial Reasoning 101.

Aladdin: General, the problem isn't just the lizards. It's your cheese! You've got to shut down the Cheese Festival.

Gouda: Never!

Bud: 'Laddin not like cheese, Bud not like 'Laddin! Bud like General Gouda!

General: Because I am a huge and hearty hero!

(The lizard Gouda is holding wakes up and breathes in his face, knocking him out. Then several other lizards crawl out of the rubble and surround them.)

Iago: Hey, here's an idea: retreat!

(Setting: later, at the Odiferan palace. Aladdin and his friends and Bud are carrying the unconscious General Gouda inside.)

Iago: Fellas, there's no shame in running away. In fact, let's keep running!

Aladdin: (sarcastic) Yeah, thanks Iago. Your moral support is just what we need.

(Brawnhilda is looking after Uncouthma and Odum. Iago flies over to her.)

Iago: All right, where do you want sleeping doofus?

Brawnhilda: General Gouda, too?

Iago: Yeah, you're down one prince and a general. Now who's the big oaf on campus?

Brawnhilda: Bud.

(Aladdin and his friends look shocked.)

Brawnhilda: It is Odiferan law. With my beloved prince unable to rule and the trusty general unable to command, my son is in charge! I will care for the fallen. My boyish Bud will lead you to victory!

Bud: I say we smash!

Aladdin: Uh, would you give us a minute, Princess?

Genie: This stomp thing won't work against those creatures.

Aladdin: And it sure won't wake up the Odiferans.

Iago: Not that there's much difference between a conscious Odiferan and an unconscious one. (sees Abu scowling at him) Hey, don't get me wrong! I love those big lugs like brothers.

Bud: (chanting) Ready to smash! Ready to stomp! Ready to smash! Ready to stomp!

Iago: Thinking is not high on their to-do list.

Genie: Bird's got a point. Smashing and bashing is how they solve a problem.

Aladdin: And thinking is how I solve a problem. You're right, Bud! We've gotta stomp those lizards!

Iago: That's it! His brain has curdled!

Abu: Uh huh.

Aladdin: Now wouldn't it be easier to protect the cheese if it were all in one spot?

Bud: Uh, yes.

Aladdin: And it might be easier to stomp the lizards if they were in one spot, too?

Bud: Hmm… so we stomp them in one spot!

Aladdin: Not exactly. But you could put all the cheese into one spot.

Bud: Huh?

Aladdin: That would lure all the lizards into one spot. And then…

Bud: We stomp! Time to get the cheese! (runs off)

Iago: Like it was his idea. Junior's a natural born politician.

Aladdin: But how do we deal with bad breath?

Genie: (offering Aladdin the peppermint stick he picked up earlier) Breath mint?

Aladdin: (chuckles) Not for me, Genie. I'm talking about the lizards. (takes the mint) Why not?

Genie: Beats trying to get 'em to brush and floss.

(Setting: on the streets of Odiferus, that evening. Carpet is carrying a load of cheese, and Aladdin is running alongside him. Aladdin grabs pieces of cheese and throws them on the ground behind them, making a trail of cheese. The lizards follow them and tries to breathe on them, but Aladdin runs away.)

(In another part of town, Bud has piled up all the cheese in town. Aladdin's friends are with him.)

Bud: (rolling a huge cheese wheel onto the pile) Here it is, friends of the flimsy one! The last of the cheese!

Iago: (smelling the cheese) Oh! Even a celebrity couldn't sell that scent!

(Genie turns into the three witches from MacBeth, who are all holding peppermint sticks and stirring a cauldron.)

Genie: Double double, toil and trouble, cauldron burn and cauldron bubble!

(Aladdin is still making a trail of cheese leading toward the pile. The lizards are gaining on him.)

Aladdin: Come on, Carpet, get us out of here! (jumps on Carpet and they fly away from the lizards)

Genie: (throwing peppermint into the cauldron) Double double, toil and trouble, cauldron burn and cauldron bubble!

(Genie turns into a painter, dips a paintbrush into the cauldron, then paints a layer of peppermint over the entire pile of cheese. Some gets splashed on Iago and Abu.)

Iago: Watch it!

(Aladdin and Carpet reach the others, followed by all the lizards. The lizards start crawling all over the pile of cheese.)

Bud: Time to stomp?

Aladdin: Not yet.

(The lizards start eating the peppermint-covered cheese.)

Abu: Yuck!

Iago: I don't know what sickens me more: mint flavored yak cheese or the fact that they're actually eating it!

Genie: Oh, I hope this works, Al. Al?

(Aladdin is climbing the pile of cheese, toward one of the lizards.)

Aladdin: Only one way to find out.

Bud: 'Laddin faces scary lizard thing alone!

Iago: Yeah, he does that sort of thing.

Aladdin: (behind the lizard) Boo!

(The lizard breathes on Aladdin, but nothing happens.)

Aladdin: We did it!

Genie: Whew! The lizards are harmless now.

Bud: That means no stomp! I want to stomp!

Iago: Uh, let me know when this feeling passes.

(Setting: the Odiferan palace. Aladdin holds a lizard up to Uncouthma's face. It breathes on him, and he wakes up.)

Uncouthma: Cheese, please, I'm starving!

(Bud wakes up General Gouda, while Genie wakes up the peddler, who screams when he sees the lizard.)

Genie: Aw, the little guy's okay. I think he likes you.

(Genie lets the lizard go, and it curls up on top of the peddler's head.)

Uncouthma: I always knew the flimsy Aladdin was a hero!

Gouda: Never could one so frail defeat such a dangerous enemy.

Bud: I saw it! 'Laddin taught me: you can't always stomp!

(Gouda grunts dismissively.)

Bud: Sometimes you have to think.

Uncouthma: You have taught my son well. (hugs Aladdin)

Aladdin: Thanks, Uncouthma.

Uncouthma: This thinking, it will take time for it to catch on, but I like it!

THE END