Nasty Patty

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Nasty Patty" from season 3, which aired on March 1, 2002.

Plot
Narrator: (it's dark & rainy above water) Oh, a dark and stormy night. It's nights like these that remind me of the time Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob thought they killed the health inspector. (laughs evilly. Stormy night becomes calm day) It was a bright and sunny morning. (scene cuts to the Krusty Krab where a fish drives up and stops in front of the restaurant. The scene zooms into his badge that reads 'Health Inspector')

Mr. Krabs: (taking a bath in money) Ah...That smells like... (gasps) ...the health inspector! (Mr. Krabs runs up to SpongeBob in a yellow towel) Wash your hands, clean the floors, change your underwear! The health inspector's here! (both are peeking out the kitchen window at the health inspector, who is writing on a clipboard) If he finds one health violation, he'll close us down for good. We've got to do everything in our power to make sure he passes the Krusty Krab.

SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, there's no reason to worry. (eyes widen) The Krusty Krab is the most perfect place in the universe.

Mr. Krabs: You really haven't got any brains at all, have you, son? (pushes SpongeBob out the door) Just go out there and give him what he needs. Pour on the charm. Sweet talk him. (SpongeBob walks up to the health inspector, who is still writing on his clipboard at the table)

SpongeBob: What can I get for you...handsome?

Mr. Krabs: (slaps forehead) We're doomed.

Health Inspector: I'm going to need you to bring me one of everything on the menu.

SpongeBob: (walking backwards back into the kitchen) Excellent choice, my darling. Coming right up! (SpongeBob enters the kitchen, where Krabs waits) He wants one of everything.

Mr. Krabs: Then we'll give him a smorgasbord! (holds up a tray of a patty, a drink, some fries, and coral bits) The future of the Krusty Krab is at stake! (SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs run up to the health inspector)

SpongeBob: Try the Krusty Kelp Dog, sir! (stuffs it in the inspectors mouth)

Mr. Krabs: The Buttered Barnacles are a touch of heaven. (stuffs it in the inspectors mouth)

SpongeBob: The Powdered Driftwood is exquisite. (stuffs it in the inspectors mouth)

Mr. Krabs: Fresh Sludge Pudding? (stuffs it in the inspectors mouth)

SpongeBob: More Diet Red Tide? (stuffs it in the inspectors mouth)

Mr. Krabs: Some fried... (stuffs it in the inspectors mouth)

Health Inspector: Please, gentlemen! (swallows all the food in his mouth) Leave me to finish my work in peace. (clicks his pen, which is actually a fork that comes out. Later, the health inspector has eaten everything on the table)

SpongeBob: And did the voluptuous inspector enjoy his meal?

Health Inspector: (writes on his clipboard) So far, so good. I just need to try a plain Krabby Patty and my inspection will be finished.

SpongeBob: (open kitchen door) He says if he gets one more Krabby Patty, he'll pass us for the inspection!

Mr. Krabs: (picks up SpongeBob) Do you know what this means, dear boy? We're in the clear! (both dance off then leapfrog over each other, across the screen then do the can-can in dresses until a news report comes on tv)

A. Realistic Fish Head: We interrupt this can-can for a special news bulletin. Be on the lookout for a man who's been passing himself off as a health inspector in order to obtain free food. That's all for now. (Mr. Krabs gets angry)

Mr. Krabs: FRRRRREEEEEEE FOOOOOOOOOD?!

SpongeBob: Maybe we oughta tell our guy about the phony imposter.

Mr. Krabs: You loony loofah, he is the imposter! We've been duped!

SpongeBob: Duped!

Mr. Krabs: Bamboozled!

SpongeBob: We've been smeckledorfed!

Mr. Krabs: That's not even a word, and I agree with ya! (both look through the kitchen window at the health inspector, who is wiping his mouth off, finishing his drink, and cleaning his teeth with a toothpick) Look at him. I bet he never changes his underpants.

SpongeBob: I bet he bites whale bubbles.

Mr. Krabs: I bet his mom bought him that hat. (holds up a krabby patty) If that imposter wants a Krabby Patty, then by Neptune, we'll give him one. (flicks the top bun off and puts a some volcano sauce on the patty) You're dancin' with the crab man now! Join me, boy, or you're fired!

SpongeBob: It doesn't seem right... (holds up a bottle of seahorse radish) ...but it feels so good! (dumps a spoonful on the patty) Seahorse radish: the gnarliest stuff in the ocean.

Mr. Krabs: Ohh, hold on, I've got a jar of toenail clippings in my office! (runs off as SpongeBob drops the patty in the toilet)

SpongeBob: Oops, I dropped it in the toilet! (Mr. Krabs runs in with a smelly sock)

Mr. Krabs: Well, fish it out, and I'll dry it with me gym socks! (scene cuts to showing a disgusting krabby patty with what appears to be pimples and green meat) Why that's the most diabolical Krabby Patty ever spawned! (both are wearing clothespins on their noses)

SpongeBob: I call it the 'Nasty Patty'. (both laugh)

Health Inspector: Hey, hurry up with that patty! (SpongeBob runs in with the patty)

SpongeBob: (speaking quickly) Here you are sir, enjoy. (runs back into the kitchen)

Health Inspector: Ah, hello, delicious. Come to papa. (a fly flies into his throat. He starts to choke)

Mr. Krabs: (listening from the kitchen) Listen, he ate it! (both look out from the kitchen window) Oh, look at him choke! (both laugh) Look at him suffer! (both keep laughing. Health inspector slips on some packets of condiments and bangs his head on the table. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob are still laughing. Another TV bulletin comes on)

A. Realistic Fish Head: We interrupt your laughter at other people's expense to bring you this news flash. The fake inspector has been captured. Here is his picture. (picture is shown on the tv) If a health inspector comes to your restaurant and he's not this guy, he's real.

SpongeBob: Phew, that's a relief, eh, Mr. Krabs? I'm sure our guy will understand if we just explain the situation. Then we can all have a good laugh about it.

Mr. Krabs: (gasps) I don't think he'll be laughin', boy.

SpongeBob: Why, sir?

Mr. Krabs: Because that patty killed him! (both scream, check the inspector again, then scream again)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what are we gonna do?

Mr. Krabs: What's this "we" stuff? You fed him the tainted patty. Looks like it's the stony lonesome for you!

SpongeBob: But you told me to give it to him!

Mr. Krabs: Well, you could've talked me out of it!

SpongeBob: You're right, Mr. Krabs, I'm guilty. I'll never survive in prison, they'll mop up the floor with me. (Mr. Krabs grabs him)

Mr. Krabs: Get a hold of yourself, boy. We've got to get rid of this body before anyone sees it. We've got to take it out and bury it. (scene cuts to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs on a a muddy hill. SpongeBob is dragging the body by a tissue and is constintly spraying it with disinfectant) This should be far enough. Now get diggin'! (hands SpongeBob a shovel)

SpongeBob: Yes, sir. (while digging a big hole, his shovel hits something)

Mr. Krabs: What's the holdup down there?

SpongeBob: There's a big rock in the way!

Mr. Krabs: Well toss it out and get back to diggin'!

SpongeBob: (salutes) Aye aye, sir! (tosses the huge rock behind him)

Health Inspector: Uhh, where am I? (rock hits him in the head knocking him out again)

Mr. Krabs: Somethin' ain't quite right.

SpongeBob: What do you mean, Mr. Krabs? (health inspectors head is out of the ground)

Mr. Krabs: His head's stickin' out! (SpongeBob covers his head wit more sand)

SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs. I thought he might need some air.

Mr. Krabs: They don't need air where he's going.

SpongeBob: Shouldn't we say a few words on his behalf?

Mr. Krabs: Uhh, he was a credit to health inspectors everywhere, and, uhh...

SpongeBob: (bawling) What a brave man, going in the line of duty like that! Why? Why? Why?! (Mr. Krabs grabs SpongeBob)

Mr. Krabs: Listen here, ya little barnacle. No one, and I mean no one, can ever know about this. It'll be the end of you, it'll be the end of me, and worst of all, it'll be the end of me.

Officer Malley: (shines a flashlight on them) Stop right where you are! I'm afraid we're going to have to arrest the two of you! (SpongeBob hangs on Mr. Krabs)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I'm too young to go to jail! (Mr. Krabs covers his mouth)

Mr. Krabs: And what would be the charges?

Officer Malley: For not being at the Krusty Krab to whip us up a couple of dee-licious Krabby Patties! (both police officers laugh. Mr. Krabs laughs nervously)

Mr. Krabs: Laugh, boy. (SpongeBob laughs. It rains. The rain makes the health inspector slide down the hill)

Officer Nancy: Put that muddy shovel in the trunk and we'll give you a ride back. (SpongeBob is still laughing until Mr. Krabs hits him. Mr. Krabs opens the trunk and SpongeBob puts the shovel in it)

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, listen carefully. We're just getting a lift back to the Krusty Krab. I need you to stay calm and don't lose your cool. Understand. (SpongeBob looks down)

SpongeBob: Can I lose my cool now?

Mr. Krabs: Why? (SpongeBob points to the health inspector, who is now down the hill. Both scream and Mr. Krabs grabs the body and gives it to SpongeBob) Put it in the trunk, boy! I'll keep them cops busy!

Officer Malley: What's the holdup back there? (Mr. Krabs starts talking to him as a distraction)

SpongeBob: Oh, Neptune, get away! (throws the inspector in the trunk then sprays himself with disinfectant. Slams the trunk on the health inspector, who was waking up) Ahem. Ok, all set back here. Nothing unusual about a muddy shovel in the trunk. (laughs nervously)

Mr. Krabs: All set! (SpongeBob slides in almost motionlessly)

Officer Nancy: You ok there, little fella?

Mr. Krabs: Oh, he gets carsick real easy.

Officer Malley: Well buckle up and we'll drive real smooth-like. (drives off)

Mr. Krabs: Now listen, SpongeBob, when we get to the Krusty Krab, I want you to take that (winks) shovel and bring it around to the back entrance and stuff...err, I mean, stow it in the freezer. Understand?

SpongeBob: I understand, Mr. Krabs, but what do you want me to do with the bo...

Mr. Krabs: (grabs SpongeBob’s lips) ...ttles of soda! Bottles of soda, same thing, put 'em in the freezer. (Nancy stares at them funny. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob laugh. Scene cuts to the Krusty Krab where SpongeBob is bringing the body to the back)

SpongeBob: Oh man, this is so gross! (tries the handle on the door but there is a lock) The back door is locked. What am I gonna do? (scene cuts to inside the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob enters with a big hat where the health inspector is in it)

Mr. Krabs: Ahoy there, SpongeBob! I thought you were out back taking care of that shovel! (twitches & winks his eyes)

SpongeBob: Well, the back door was locked, so I came around here. (his hat sags over, and SpongeBob puts it back in position) So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go put my hat in the freezer now. (walks to the kitchen very carefully)

Mr. Krabs: Okey dokey, SpongeBob!

Officer Malley: Is that kid ok?

Officer Nancy: He's acting a little funny.

Mr. Krabs: Funny? Oh, yeah! (laughs) He's a real cutup, that one. He knows how to keep the growing stages! Good one, boy! Always on, that one, there's no off on his funny switch! (laughs. SpongeBob is trying to get through a door but his hat is too big) Oh, look, I almost forgot, it's 'Open Cash Register' night! First two customers get all the money in the cash register! (hands out the money. SpongeBob gets his hat inside the kitchen)

Policeman: (listens to his walkie-talkie) Eighty-six those patties, Krabs. We just got a call about two ghouls burying a stiff over by Shallow Grave Road.

Officer Nancy: I want a soda. (Mr. Krabs gives her one)

Mr. Krabs: Here's your soda! Always a pleasure to serve the folks in blue. Well, goodbye now!

Officer Nancy: Hey, there's no ice!

Mr. Krabs: (nervous) Ice? Ice? You want ice? Is that what you want? You want ice? Is that what you want? (SpongeBob slides on screen)

SpongeBob: The dark deed you requested is done, sir.

Officer Nancy: (walks to the kitchen) I'll get it myself. Ice is in the freezer, right? (Mr. Krabs runs to block the freezer door)

Mr. Krabs: There is no ice! There's never been any ice. Ice is just a myth.

Officer Nancy: Step aside. You people act like you've committed a murder.

Mr. Krabs: Ok, I confess! (points to Spongebob) SpongeBob killed him!

SpongeBob: What? You can't pin this whole rap on me!

Mr. Krabs: He was insane! Out of control! He would've killed me too if you two hadn't come along.

SpongeBob: It was all Mr. Krabs' idea.

Mr. Krabs: Put him down now! He's a mad dog!

SpongeBob: He wears curlers to bed!

Mr. Krabs: Wait! It's not what you think!

Officer Nancy: What are you two talking about?

Mr. Krabs: We killed the health inspector! Buried him and then stuffed his body in the freezer!

Officer Nancy: You mean in here? (opens the freezer but it's empty)

Mr. Krabs: It's empty?

Officer Nancy: Is this some kind of a joke?

Mr. Krabs: Yeah...a joke! (SpongeBob giggles)

Officer Nancy: Say, maybe he turned into a zombie and walked out. (everyone laughs. Just then a fish walks up moaning)

SpongeBob: It's the zombie! (the inspector turns the lights on)

Health Inspector: Hey, you guys...

Officer Malley: (hits the inspector with an anchor) Take that, you zombie! (inspector now has a huge bump on his head)

Officer Nancy: I'll take it from here. (hits the inspector with a barrel) Die, zombie!

Officer Malley: Good police work, officer Nancy. Hey, this guy's not a zombie. He's just an ordinary health inspector.

Health Inspector: Yes. And at the risk of being hit again, I'd like to present you with this. (gives Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob a note with the word 'pass' on it checked)

SpongeBob: Hey, Mr. Krabs, look. We passed the inspection!

Everyone: Hooray! (everyone walks out of the kitchen)

Mr. Krabs: Come on, everybody. Krabby Patties at half price! Well, not really.

Health Inspector: (inspector tries to crawl out)Oh boy, I'd like a Krabby Patt... (door slams in his face. Scene cuts to above water where its stormy again) Narrator: Well, that's the story. Yes, they are all idiots, aren't they?