Sonny at the Falls

AH, TODAY'S SPECIAL-- "CHICKEN KNUCKLES WITH DE-CREAMED CORN. " DE-CREAMED CORN-- ISN'T THAT JUST CORN? - YEAH. - MM. WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN YESTERDAY'S MEATLOAF BITS. I THINK THAT WAS JUST DOG FOOD. OH, THAT EXPLAINS WHY MY COAT WAS SHINIER. SPEAKING OF SHINY COATS - CHAD. - SONNY. CLOUDY, RAINY. - WE HAVE NAMES. - YEAH. YEAH, BUT REMEMBERING THEM WOULD TAKE EFFORT AND INTEREST AND-- EXCUSE ME. YOU CAN'T JUST CUT IN FRONT OF US LIKE THAT. ( laughs ) YEAH, THEY ALSO SAID I COULDN'T BE THIS HANDSOME. AND YET, HERE I AM. SO WHAT'S FOR LUNCH, BRENDA? PORTERHOUSE STEAK, JUICY AND TENDER. JUST LIKE LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE OF "MACKENZIE FALLS. " DID YOU SEE THAT? CHAD DYLAN COOPER JUST GOT A STEAK. YEAH, AND IT WAS SERVED ALL FANCY-LIKE. EXCUSE ME, BRENDA. CAN I HAVE WHAT CHAD HAD? YEAH, ME TOO. AND I'D LIKE MINE WITH A NICE PEPPER RUB. AND I DON'T REALLY CARE HOW YOU PREPARE MINE. IF IT'S A-MOOIN', I'M A-CHEWIN'. MM-HMM. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. - HUH? - THE-- THE STEAK. YOU JUST SERVED HIM A STEAK. WE DON'T HAVE STEAK HERE. HEY, BRENDA, THE USUAL PLEASE. ( all gasp ) NOW DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A STEAK TO YOU? WELL, THAT STINKS. THEY GET SURF AND TURF AND WE GET SCARF AND BARF. I HATE THOSE GUYS MORE THAN EVER. I KNOW. LOOK AT 'EM OVER THERE ACTING LIKE KINGS. WELL, I THINK YOU'RE EXAGGERATING. - ( glass clanging ) - ALL HAIL "MACKENZIE FALLS. " AND TO ME-- CHAD DYLAN COOPER. All: HUZZA! TO ME-- SO I CAN ORDER A PIZZA. PIZZA! - ( rings ) - ( screams ) OFF TO THE RACES, I'M GOING PLACES MIGHT BE A LONG SHOT, NOT GONNA WASTE IT THIS IS THE BIG BREAK AND IT'S CALLING MY NAME YEAH! SO FAR, SO GREAT, GET WITH IT AT LEAST THAT'S HOW I SEE IT HAVING A DREAM IS JUST THE BEGINNING SO FAR, SO GREAT, BELIEVE IT CAN'T TAKE AWAY THIS FEELING TAKING A RIDE WITH CHANCE ON MY SIDE YEAH, I CAN'T WAIT SO FAR, SO GREAT SO FAR, SO GREAT ( vocalizing ) YAOOWW! ( laughing loudly ) GUYS, STOP OBSESSING OVER "MACKENZIE FALLS. " LET'S FOCUS ON OUR SHOW. OKAY, SO I WROTE THIS REALLY FUNNY SKETCH ABOUT LAME SUPERHEROES. FLIP OVER YOUR SCRIPTS. BAM! ( laughs ) REALLY? YOU WANT ME TO PLAY SOMEONE NAMED "BED HEAD"? OKAY, YOU DEFEAT EVIL WITH MATTED HAIR AND MORNING BREATH. ( exhales ) AND YOU PLAY "STATIC ELECTRA. " YOU SHOCK PEOPLE BY RUBBING YOUR FEET ACROSS THE CARPET. BAM! ( giggles ) OH, COME ON, YOU GUYS LIKE SUPERHEROES. WE LIKE COOL SUPERHEROES-- MEN DRESSED IN TIGHTS, NOT MEN DRESSED IN DIAPERS LIKE "ROBO-BABY. " OR-- OR "FLAT-U-LANCE"? YEAH. HE'S SILENT BUT DEADLY. I'M BORED AND LEAVING! ( exhales ) WHO'S WITH ME? All: HUZZA! WAIT, BUT NICO, ROBO-BABY HAS A UTILITY DIAPER. AND A POOP-ERANG. WHAT? CAN'T A GIRL SAY POOP-ERANG IN A CROWDED CAFETERIA? HEY, LOOK AT THAT. THERE'S TROUBLE OVER IN CHUCKLE CITY. - THAT'S GOOD FOR US. - IT IS? YEAH, EVER SINCE SONNY JOINED THE CAST THEY'VE GOTTEN SO MUCH MORE POPULAR THAN THEY USED TO BE. WE NEED TO DRIVE A WEDGE BETWEEN HER AND THE OTHERS, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, IF WE DON'T ACT SOON, DARE I SAY IT, THEY MIGHT BECOME MORE POPULAR THAN US. - ( all gasp ) - I HAD TO SAY IT. - I DARED MYSELF. - OH. SO, POOP-ERANG, REALLY? YEAH, REALLY. I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. ALMOST CHOKED ON MY BANANAS FOSTER. I'M GLAD SOMEBODY LAUGHED. WAIT, WE HAVE BANANAS FOSTER? THEY DO, YOU DON'T. YOU KNOW, SONNY, IT DIDN'T SEEM LIKE YOUR FRIENDS WERE VERY SUPPORTIVE. IT WAS ALMOST LIKE THEY WERE DISSING YOU. NO. THEM MOCKING ME AND MAKING FUN OF MY IDEA WAS JUST THEIR WAY OF MOCKING ME AND MAKING FUN OF MY IDEA. YEAH, YOU DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY OVER AT "SO RANDOM!" I MEAN, AT THE "FALLS," WHEN ONE OF US CRIES, WE ALL CRY. I JUST ASSUMED THAT WHEN ONE OF YOU LAUGHS, YOU ALL LAUGH. YEAH, I MEAN, I GUESS THEY COULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE MORE SUPPORTIVE. SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY NEEDS A SHOULDER TO LAUGH ON. ARE YOU OFFERING ME YOUR SHOULDER? I'M OFFERING YOU ALL OF OUR SHOULDERS. THEY ARE NICE SHOULDERS. LOOK, I KNOW WE HAVE THIS STUPID RIVALRY BETWEEN OUR TWO SHOWS, BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY, RIGHT? - WELL, I GUESS. - WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW? WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A BREAEAK FROM "SO RANDOM!"? COME HANG OUT AT THE "FALLS. " "MACKENZIE FALLS. " A QUAINT LITTLE TOWN NESTLED AT THE CORNER OF LIFE AND DREAMS. - SO, STAGE TWO? - YEAH, STAGE TWO. COOL. ( classical music playing ) WOW. YOU GUYS HAVE THIS EVERY DAY? WHAT, THE LOGANBERRY SMOOTHIES? OH, NO. NO, THE LOGANBERRY'S ONLY RIPE ONE FORTNIGHT A YEAR. TO THE LOGANBERRY! All: HUZZA! NUMBER ONE SHOW GETS THE NUMBER ONE PERKS. EVERYONE, YOU ALL REMEMBER SONNY? HUZZA! YOU KNOW WHAT FEELS GREAT AFTER BEING DISSED BY YOUR FRIENDS? THE MAGIC FINGERS OF YOKU. WELL, I CAN'T SAY NO-KU TO YOKU. ( forced laughter ) ( sighs ) NOW I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE A CELL PHONE ON VIBRATE. ( forced laughter ) I'M TELLING YOU, I CAN GET A STEAK. WANT TO KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I HAVE THE GIFT OF PRETTY. AND PRETTY GETS YOU TWO THINGS-- DATES AND STEAKS. AND I'M ABOUT TO DATE A STEAK. ( laughs ) WELL, IF YOU'RE SO STEAK WORTHY, HOW COME BRENDA'S NEVER SLIPPED YOU A SIRLOIN BEFORE? ( scoffs ) HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE HASN'T. - BECAUSE SHE HASN'T. - MM-HMM. WHICH MEANS YOU'RE NO PRETTIER THAN WE ARE. ( gasps ) WELL YOU'RE ABOUT TO EAT THOSE WORDS. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'D RATHER EAT THOSE WORDS - THAN THOSE CHICKEN KNUCKLES. - YEAH. BRENDA! ( giggles ) OH, I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE. YOU THINK THAT I'M WITH THEM. I'M NOT. I'M TAWNI HART AND I WOULD-- OKAY, TAWNI, DEEP BREATH. BRENDA! GIRL! ( chuckling ) LET'S TRY THIS ONE MORE TIME. MAY I PLEASE HAVE A STEAK-- LOOK, LADY, MAYBE THAT HAIRNET'S ON A LITTLE TOO TIGHT. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? INDEED, I DO. THEN WHY ISN'T THERE A STEAK ON MY PLATE? I DON'T KNOW. WHY DO I HAVE TO SHAVE TWICE A DAY? WHY WON'T CLAY AIKEN RETURN MY CALLS? THESE ARE ALL GOOD QUESTIONS. OKAY, PLAN B. WE'RE GOING TO "MACKENZIE FALLS" TO FIND OUT HOW TO GET A STEAK BECAUSE, CLEARLY, SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE GIFT OF PRETTY. ( buzzing ) I CAN'T DECIDE WHETHER I WANT A DAISY OR A ROSE ON MY BIG TOE. - HMM. - OOH, COULD I GET A DAISY AND CAN YOU MAKE IT SMELL LIKE A ROSE? HEY, YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF? OH, YEAH. SMELL MY BIG TOE. - I'M GOOD, THANKS. - UH-OH. LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE SOME UNWANTED VISITORS. ( laughs nervously ) EXCUSE ME. I'D LIKE TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU. IS THAT WORD GOODBYE? WELL, IF I WAS TALKING TO YOU, THE WORD WOULD BE MOISTURIZE OR EXFOLIATE. LOOK AT THIS. THEY'VE GOT A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN. AND I NEED A CHOCOLATE BATH. ( both gasping, laughing ) ( quivering ) AND LOOK AT THIS RUG. MING DYNASTY. HAND WOVEN. OH, IT MAKES ME WANT TO DO CARPET ANGELS. ( giggling ) HEY, ZORA. - SONNY? - Both: SONNY?! SONNY? SONNY? WHAT AM I DOING HERE? YOU GUYS, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE SO MAD AT ME. - YOU BETRAYED US. - YOU CAVORTED WITH THE ENEMY. I WAS GETTING A MASSAGE. OH, YOU DISGUST ME. YOU FILTHY CAVORTER. OKAY, I CAVORTED. IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF THE "SO RANDOM!" CODE. MM-HMM. WHICH STATES WE STICK TOGETHER. WE'RE A FAMILY. YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY WERE NICE TO ME WHEN MY FAMILY WASN'T. MY FAMILY DISSED ME AND MY SKETCH IDEA AND LEFT ME SITTING ALONE AT A LUNCH TABLE. - CHAD OFFERED HIS SHOULDER AND I TOOK IT. - ( all gasp ) YOU KNOW, OVER AT THE "FALLS," THEY TRUST AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER. ( laughs ) DID YOU HEAR THAT? SHE CALLED IT THE "FALLS. " THE "FALLS"! WELL, IF YOU LIKE THE "FALLS" SO MUCH, WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK THERE. YEAH, GO OVER THERE AND STICK YOUR HEAD IN THEIR TRUST AND SUPPORT FOUNTAIN. WELL, IF YOU WANT ME TO, THEN MAYBE I WILL GO. - GOOD. - GOOD. SO BY UNANIMOUS VOTE OF THE CAST OF "SO RANDOM!" SONNY MUNROE IS NOW OFFICIALLY BANNED FROM THIS PROP HOUSE! SIGN RIGHT HERE. AND HERE. AND INITIAL HERE, HERE, HERE AND HERE. AND HERE. NOW BE GONE. FINE. YOU HAVE SEEN THE LAST OF SONNY MUNROE. I MEAN, OTHER THAN, YOU KNOW, THE FACT WHEN WE PERFORM-- - YEAH. - ( all chattering ) BUT OTHER THAN THAT, YOU HAVE SEEN THE LAST OF SONNY MUNROE! MM-HMM. ACTUALLY, I FORGOT MY JACKET. - OH. - OH, YOUR JACKET-- IT'S COLD. OTHER THAN THAT, YOU HAVE SEEN THE LAST OF SONNY MUNROE. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A JACKET. PUT THAT BACK THERE, YOU SILLY. NOW FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU HAVE SEEN THE LAST OF SONNY MUNROE. I SAY GOOD DAY. MYAH! I'M DROWNING IN BUTTER! HELP ME! AH! ( laughing ) I DON'T GET IT. WELL, I-- I'M PRETENDING TO BE A LOBSTER THAT'S DROWNING IN BUTTER. IT'S WHY I'M USING A FUNNY VOICE. - MYAH! - LOBSTERS DON'T TALK. NO, BUT A LOBSTER WOULD UNDERSTAND THIS JOKE. ( all laughing ) - ( laughing stops ) - ( cackling ) OH MY GOSH. YOU'RE SO FUNNY. - OH! - LOOK AT HER HAVING A GOOD TIME WITH THEM. AND EATING LOBSTER! - WHO NEEDS IT? - YEAH. ( whimpers ) I NEED IT. I'M PRETTY ENOUGH FOR LOBSTER. I'M COOL ENOUGH FOR LOBSTER. - I AM LOBSTER WORTHY. - SNAP OUT OF IT, WOMAN. THANK YOU. NO, THANK YOU. ( cackles ) OH, LOOK, SHE'S MAKING THE LOBSTER TALK. ( laughing ) GUYS, GUYS, COME ON. IF WE CAN'T ENJOY OURSELVES WITHOUT SONNY, LET'S AT LEAST MAKE HER THINK WE CAN. GRADY? - HIT IT. - ( laughs ) ONE AND A-TWO AND-A ONE DA DA DA DA-DA - ( makes farting noises ) - ( all laughing ) ( laughing ) DA DA DA DA-DA ( makes farting noises ) DID YOU SEE THAT? I THINK SHE WAS LAUGHING. - YEAH. SHE'S STILL ONE OF US. - YEAH. SH-- SHE'S WEARING THEIR UNIFORM. SHE'S ONE OF THEM! SHE'S ONE OF THEM! ( laughing ) ( laughing ) NICO! ( laughing loudly ) OH, MY GOSH. ( all laughing loudly ) ( laughing stops ) GUYS, WE HAVE TO FORGET SONNY. MAYBE WE SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO HER AND ASK HER TO COME BACK. ONCE AGAIN, IT'S UP TO ME TO CLEAN UP EVERYBODY'S MESS. CLEAN THAT UP. THANKS AGAIN FOR TAKING ME IN, CHAD. - I WAS SO BUMMED EARLIER WHEN-- - All: SHH! THIS IS "MACKENZIE FALLS" MEDITATION ROOM. YOU GOTTA KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN AND YOUR VIBE UP. - SORRY! I'M NEW-- - SHH! YOU KNOW WHAT? MY VIBE IS A LITTLE DRY, SO I'M JUST GONNA GO GET SOME ICE WATER. ( gonging ) DINNER'S READY! ( laughing ) WE'RE NOW SERVING HUSH PUPPIES. SO HUSH. SHHH! YEAH, I GET IT. VIBE'S UP, SONNY DOWN. THANKS FOR CALLING ME, REGGIE. WHAT DO YOU WANT? I NEED TO SPEAK TO SONNY AND THE BIG PALOOKA HERE WON'T LET ME THROUGH. HE'S DOING HIS JOB, KID. THE GUY'S PAID TO PALOOK. TWO MORE SECONDS AND YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN SAYING HELLO TO LEFTY. LOOK, AFTER YOU BARGED ONTO OUR STAGE EARLIER, I HAD TO HIRE REGGIE HERE AND PUT YOUR PICTURES UP ON THE DO-NOT-ADMIT WALL. WHY IS ZAC EFRON UP THERE? 'CAUSE IT'S MY WALL. AND I LIKE SAYING I BAN ZAC EFRON. THERE WILL COME A DAY WHEN ZAC EFRON COMES KNOCKING ON THAT DOOR AND HE'S LIKE, "HEY, CAN I COME IN?" AND I'LL BE LIKE, "OH NO, YOU'RE BANNED. " WELL, WE WANT SONNY BACK! WELL, SHE CAN'T SEE YOU NOW. - WELL, WHEN WILL-- - SHE'S TIED UP FOR GOOD, OKAY? SHE'S ONE OF US NOW. - ( loud crashing ) - Sonny: SORRY! THIS IS HARD FOR ME TO SAY, BUT SONNY IS BLIND. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SHE'S BLIND? WELL, HE SAID THAT SHE COULDN'T SEE ME. AND-- AND THAT COULD ONLY MEAN ONE THING-- BLIND. OH, AND THEY'VE GOT HER ALL TIED UP IN A BELL TOWER. HOW DO YOU KNOW? WELL, I HEARD THIS LOUD CHIME. YOU SURE IT WASN'T A GONG IN A MEDITATION ROOM? OH, THAT'S INSANE. I'M TELLING YOU, SOMETHING SMELLS FISHY. THIS IS LIKE THAT EPISODE OF "MACKENZIE FALLS" WHERE THEY-- WHERE THEY BLINDED THAT GIRL AND BRAINWASHED HER! NOT THAT I WATCH IT. ( chuckles ) NOT THAT I WATCH IT EITHER, BUT THAT WAS NEVER AN EPISODE. BECAUSE THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING, PEOPLE! - ( gasps ) - WAIT. SOMETHING ELSE IS HAPPENING. MY PALMS ARE SWEATING. - MY HEART'S RACING. - I THINK YOU'RE CARING - WHAT? - FOR SOMEBODY BESIDES YOURSELF. WHAT?! WE HAVE TO STOP THAT! WE'VE GOT TO GET SONNY BACK-- NOT FOR HER, BUT FOR ME! WELL, I HAVE A PLAN. BUT YOU'RE ALL GONNA HAVE TO TRUST ME. TRUSTING CARING IT'S ALL TOO MUCH. WHOA! ( yelling ) THIS IS WHY I DON'T TRUST. WHY ARE WE DRESSED LIKE THIS? BECAUSE WE'RE ON A MISSION. WE NEED DISGUISES. NOW BACK IN YOUR POSES. - ( pops ) - OW! STOP SHOCKING ME! SORRY! I HAVEN'T YET MASTERED MY POWERS. MY HAIR ITCHES! I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE FREE. I WAS BORN TO WEAR A CAPE. - ( pops ) - ( screams ) - WHAT WAS THAT FOR? - I JUST MASTERED MY POWERS. NOW BACK IN YOUR POSES! Man: OKAY, PEOPLE, REHEARSAL'S UP. LET'S SEE THOSE POUTY FACES. I KNOW I'VE TAKEN YOU FROM YOUR WORLD, YOUR FRIENDS, FROM EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER LOVED. BUT TRUST ME, YOU'LL-- YOU'LL BE HAPPIER HERE. YOU TRUST ME, DON'T YOU? - NO, I'M NOT SURE I DO. - OF COURSE YOU TRUST ME-- WAIT. WHO IS TALKING WHILE I AM ACTING? NOW WATCH OUT FOR THE SECURITY GUARD. HE'S EIGHT FEET TALL WITH ARMS LIKE TREE TRUNKS AND LEGS THAT WON'T BE BACK FOR 10 MINUTES? WHAT? OH, MAN, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO FOR 10 MINUTES? - ZORA, DO YOUR THING. - ( pops ) OW! OW! LET'S DO THIS THING! - SONNY! - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? OH, MY GOSH, YOU'RE THE LAME SUPERHEROES! WE'RE NOW CALLED LOSER FORCE FOUR. OH, YOU GAVE US A NAME. YOU GAVE US A REASON TO GIVE US A NAME. WE'RE AT THE "FALLS," I'M FEELING DRAMATIC. YOU MISSED ME. I EXPERIENCED CARING. IT WAS HORRIBLE. WE'RE HERE TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU AND ASK YOU TO COME BACK. MAYBE SHE DOESN'T WANT TO COME BACK TO YOU LOSERS. CORRECTION-- LOSER FORCE FOUR. WOW, I'VE NEVER SEEN A GROUP OF LOSERS SO PROUD TO CALL THEMSELVES LOSERS. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M PROBABLY CALLING MYSELF A LOSER TOO. SO I GUESS THAT MAKES US LOSER FORCE FIVE. - OKAY, COME ON, LOSER FORCE FIVE. - LOSER FORCE FIVE. W-WAIT, YOU GUYS ARE MAKING UP? YES, WE ARE. BUT THAT RUINS CHAD'S PLAN. - WHAT PLAN? - I DON'T HAVE A PLAN. SURE YOU DO. KEEP YOU GUYS FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER SO "MACKENZIE FALLS" CAN STAY NUMBER ONE. PLEASE PLEASE, DON'T TALK WITHOUT A SCRIPT. SO YOU WERE JUST PRETENDING TO BE MY FRIEND? OKAY, YEAH, I SAW AN OPPORTUNITY AND I KNOCKED. WELL, GUESS WHAT? I'M KNOCKING BACK AND I'M STICKING WITH MY REAL FRIENDS. WE HAVE A CODE. YEAH, OKAY, WELL, WE HAVE A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN, ALL RIGHT? SO WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I THINK ABOUT THAT? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK ABOUT THAT. TAKE WHAT YOU CAN AND RUN! NO, HEY! HEY HEY HEY! NO NO NO, YOU CAN'T TAKE THE LOGANBERRIES! NO! NOT THE LOGANBERRIES! STATIC ELECTRICA. BEDHEAD. FLATULANCE. AND ROBO BABY. INDIVIDUALLY, THEY'RE LOSERS. BUT TOGETHER THEY ARE LOSER FORCE FIVE! MEANWHILE, IN METROPOLOPOLOPOLIS - Woman: HELP! HELP! - QUICK! LOOK! OVER THERE! Woman: STOP HIM. HE'S GOT MY PURSE.