The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization

Penny: So, you know, isn't there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing?

Leonard: No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesize facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention Sheldon is bat-crap crazy.

Leonard: Any questions?

Sheldon: Yeah. What the hell was that?

Leonard: Any other questions?

Sheldon: Dr. Sheldon Cooper here. I am the lead author of this particular paper. Thank you. You, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park, and I saw these children on a, which started me thinking about the , in gases like , at temperatures approaching.

Leonard: I didn't skip it. It's just an. It's not science.

Sheldon: Oh, I see. Was it the apple falling on Newton's head? Was that just an anecdote?

Leonard: But you're not.

Sheldon: No, that's true. would've been apparent to me without the apple.

Leonard: You cannot possibly be that arrogant.

Sheldon: You continue to underestimate me, my good man.

Leonard: Look, if you weren't happy with my presentation, then maybe you should've given it with me.

Sheldon: As I had explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don't need validation from lesser minds. (to audience) No offense.

Leonard: Really? So why did you come?

Sheldon: Because I knew you'd screw this up.

Leonard: I didn't screw it up!

Sheldon: Oh, please. I admit that "spherical chicken" joke, that was hilarious, but it went straight downhill from there.

Leonard: You know, I've had enough of your. Maybe I didn't go to college when I was eleven, like you! Maybe I got my at twenty-four instead of sixteen, but you're not the only person who's smarter than everyone else in this room! (Sheldon gestures Leonard to audience; to audience) No offense. And I'm clearly not the only person who is tormented by and has an !

Sheldon: So you admit you're an ?

Leonard: Yes! (to audience) My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, and I could never please my parents, so I need to get all my from strangers like you (points to Sheldon), but he's worse!

Sheldon: Okay, that is it! (puts fingers on his head)

Leonard: Stop it. You cannot blow up my head with your mind!

Sheldon: Then I'll settle for an !

Leonard: (slaps Sheldon's hands) Stop it.

Sheldon: You hit me. (to audience, points at Leonard) You saw that, he hit me.

Leonard: You tried to blow up my head.

Sheldon: So it was working.

Leonard: It wasn't - it was not -- you're a !

Sheldon: Oh, we'll see about that! (puts fingers on his head, to audience) Heads up, you people in the front row, this is a !

Leonard: Stop it! (slaps Sheldon's arms) Quit it! (Leonard slaps Sheldon's arms repeatedly and holds his wrists)

Penny: Is this usually how these physics things go?

Howard: More often than you think.

Sheldon: (Both he and Leonard are on the floor) I'll give you a Vulcan Nerve Pinch!

Howard: Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP, racing down fiber-optic cable at the speed of light to San Francisco, bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be handed off to submerged transatlantic cables terminating in Halifax, Nova Scotia, and transferred across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP and the X10 receiver attached to this (clicks mouse, lamp switches on) lamp. (The others cheer and clap).

Penny: Get anything good?

Sheldon: Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.

Penny: Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn’t. (Sheldon looks confused). It was a joke. (Sheldon gives a fake laugh.) Yup, tip your waitresses, I’m here all week.

Sheldon: Libido, one. Truth, zero.

Leonard: Okay, I’m going to ask you one more time, we did the work together, lets present the paper together.

Sheldon: And I’m telling you for the last time it’s pandering, it’s undignified and bite me.

Penny: I really should have brought my own car.


 * Sheldon: You could have offered me a ride home.
 * Leonard: You’re lucky I didn't run you over.
 * Sheldon: I really don’t understand what you’re so unhappy about, you begged me to come, I came, there’s just no pleasing you.
 * Leonard: You’re right, I’m the problem, I’m the one that needs help.
 * Sheldon: Well that’s not much of an apology, but I’ll take it.
 * Leonard: Excuse me. Is there anything you’d like to apologize for?
 * Sheldon: Yes. I’m sorry I tried to blow up your head. It was uncalled for.


 * Penny: (entering) Howard, would you like to explain to me why your Facebook page has a picture of me sleeping on your shoulder captioned “Me and my Girlfriend"?
 * Howard: Uh-oh, here comes “the talk.”
 * (Penny tries to make Howard’s brain explode)