Sweetums

Hi, I'm Tom Haverford. I work at the Parks Department. It's a little douchie. Good call, J. I'm getting divorced, so I'm trying to up my game. Who am I supposed to ask for fashion advice? Jerry? He wears the same soup-stained khakis every day. Justin's my savior. He's like an issue of GQ that's come to life. Tommy Timberlake. You look like Encyclopedia Brown. Sequins! Try it without the gloves. Sequins, minus the gloves. Hey, what's up? I'm Tom. Is my shirt lighting up? 'Cause I didn't even notice. All right, guys. Let's talk accessories. Be honest. Which cane do you like better? Dragon? Serpent? Dragon? Serpent? Belt buckle, says, "What's cracking?" I can have it say whatever I want. It can say, "What's cracking? I'm Tom. "What's cracking, girl? What's cracking, boo?" Eagle medallion! Well, as far as white, leather suits go It's horrible. I like it. Sweetums has been Pawnee's leading sweet-treat manufacturer for over 80 years. And we are so excited about our new partnership with the Parks Department. Starting next month, Sweetums is gonna take over the concession stands in our parks. I mean, I don't love the idea of corporate sponsorship, but Sweetums is an institution. When you think of Pawnee, you think of Sweetums. Although candy is our bread and butter, we also care about the health of our customers. And that's why we'll be debuting our new healthy energy bar, NutriYums. Take a look. Hi, I'm Nick Newport, Jr., CEO of Sweetums. And I'd like to introduce to you our new line of energy bars, NutriYums. We start with then we add just a little bit of Sweetums corn syrup, a little drop of sunshine, and some other stuff. And since they're from Sweetums, you know your kids are gonna love them. Wow, that family looks so healthy. Look at them. They're all wearing vests! Dakota? Denver? Sorry, Shoelace. We don't make NutriYums for dogs. Yet. Shoelace. NutriYums. Where nutritious meets tasty. By Sweetums. If you can't beat them Sweetums! Sweetums! I could not be happier about this. I think the entire government should be privatized. Chuck E. Cheese could run the parks. Everything operated by tokens. Drop in a token, go on the swing set. Drop in another token, take a walk. Drop in a token, look at a duck. Brendanawicz! Quick question, do you personally know Xzibit? Because I was checking out that pickup truck of yours, and that ride is pimped! It's really nice of you to compliment my pickup truck with no ulterior motives. Yeah, so, listen, I need to move some stuff this weekend into my new bachelor pad, since my divorce is finally going down. Just some odds and ends. You can bring up the Mark-mobile, help me move, right? I'm totally blanking on a valid excuse right now, so, yes. I'll help you. My boy! I hate having a pickup truck. Andy, I have a very interesting business proposal for you. I'm moving a lot of heavy stuff out of my place this weekend. Can I help you move? I'm really good at it. Afterwards, I'll take the cardboard from the boxes and use it for break dancing. I'll go, too. Really? 'Cause an hour ago you told me you'd rather watch a sex tape of your grandparents. Shut up. I don't have anything else to do. Do you want help or not? All right. See you guys later. I think that that's really, really sweet, that your grandparents still make love. Ready to go? Yes. Your keys, please. You gotta be kidding me. I'm fine. Well, we'll let the chart be the judge of that. What are you, 5'11", 210 pounds, three whiskeys? Looks like you are just over the line into impaired. You carry that with you all the time? It comes in handy. And on the back, it teaches you how to play blackjack. Swansons have a preternaturally high tolerance for alcohol. My old man used to put Wild Turkey on his Corn Flakes. I'm not gonna argue with you, Ron. We're just gonna sit and wait until, you know, you're safe to drive, which would be in about one hour. "Insurance is a side bet when you wager half of your original bet "because you believe the dealer has a 10 in the hole. " Get off my car, woman! Twenty minutes. The dealer really has an advantage. That's what I get the most from this. Hey, Ron. Morning, Leslie. Did you have a good night? I did. I watched a really good What is that? This is what I did last night. After I got home, I drank six more glasses of whiskey and then I finished crafting this small harp, using a band saw, a spoke shave and an oscillating spindle sander. Beautiful. But wait, there's more. Here are some photographs of me drinking the whiskey. You'll notice I'm holding up yesterday's newspaper, so you can tell that I'm not lying. I feel like I'm in a spa. So, I got my truck all cleaned out and ready to go for tomorrow. Do you have, like, furniture pads and dollies? That sort of thing? Ooh, I thought the mover supplied those. I'm not a mover! I'm a sap who owns a truck. Don't talk about yourself like that. And bring some coffee. Hey, are you moving out? Have you told Wendy how you feel yet? Waiting for the right time. It's right now. The time is now. Just don't worry about it. I'm fine. Hmm. What's that over there? Mmm! Holy cow. Yeah. Wow. That is good stuff. Great, right? Oh, my God. They're amazing. They're more than amazing. They are terrific. Terrific's not more than amazing, Jerry. No? Well, it's not less. Everything Sweetums makes is off the charts. I like their candy fingernails. I can't believe these things are healthy. It's not that crazy. Krackel bars, also healthy and delicious. No, they're not. Yeah. They actually have rice in them. So Andy, you're fine, but you're simple. Who just put 100 of these in their body? Ann! Oh! Look at you! You're looking pretty unhealthy today. You might need one of these, NutriYum, by Sweetums. If you can't beat them, Sweetums! I love that song. Ow! I need to go check my e-mail. We're gonna sell these in the park now. They're healthy! Holy God. No, they're not, they're terrible for you. No, they're not. There's a picture of Lance Armstrong on there. Yeah, but look at the ingredients. "High-fructose corn syrup, corn syrup. " There's only eight grams of fat. Yeah. Per serving. A bar is four servings. Well, people seem to enjoy them. Look how happy everybody is. Yeah, that's a sugar rush. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. They're gonna crash soon, and it's not gonna be pretty. Yeah, I'm gonna crash soon, too. 'Cause I've eaten, like, 40 of these. Oh, God! Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. But Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They're just husky, big-boned, plus-sized chunk monsters. I call them like I see them. Leslie? Yeah? Let's get some almonds in you, okay? Okay. Get it. I can't open them. Back to work. I hate it here. This place is evil. I think these are the only two films that say "Sweetums" on the label. Yeah, well, let's take them both. We might find something interesting. Here, just let me stick them under my shirt. No. Just walk out. They have sensors! Just check them out. It's free. Hey, Marci. Leslie. Are they finally teaching you Parks people how to read? Oh, I guess not. It's a movie. You're pretty cocky for someone whose job is obsolete because of the Internet. Let's see. Hmm. You seem to have a $40 late fee on a book called Mysteries of the Female Orgasm. No, I don't. Yeah, you do. Ann, grab the movie! Go, go, go, go! Punk-ass book jockeys! So, you guys all good with the Sweetums concession-stand deal? I can go ahead and sign off on it? You betcha. Actually, no. No. We are worried that the energy bars that they're gonna sell are grossly unhealthy and they're misleading people about what's actually in them. No, we're not worried about that. We're fine and we sign off. Paul, can I have a sidebar with Ron? I guess. Sidebar, Ron. I did some research, and NutriYums are terrible for you. I don't care. We're doing it. That's a We're in a sidebar. Do you not care about your city's health? I care about the people's right to consume whatever they want. Paul, can you and I have a sidebar? No. Okay. I think maybe we should hold a public forum. That way we won't be liable. There's no point. It's a home run for the city. No, I think she's right. It's a good cover-our-ass move. Let's do it. Paul! Leslie, why must you stick your nose into everyone else's business? Sidebar, Paul. Ron's upset because I didn't let him drive last night. Stop sidebarring. Somebody's grouchy. You said it was just odds and ends. It is, yeah. And some furniture. And the plasma TV. You haven't even folded up the boxes yet. Dude, Deep Blue Sea. Greatest movie ever made. That's the Canadian version, and there's a bonus audio track where LL Cool J raps all his dialog. What? We're watching this right now. Yes! Pop it in! No, no, no! We should really pack this room up and get moving. So, this is a really big room I need packed up, guys. This is your bedroom? No, it's a spare room I converted into a walk-in closet lhome fitness center. What is that? Oh. I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor cleaning robots. I call him "DJ Roomba. " Little guy cruises around and plays music. What's hot, DJ Roomba? DJ Roomba, tearing it up! He likes me. Let's dance for a little while, Mark. What NutriYums energy bars are just absolutely loaded with high-fructose corn syrup and fatty oils. And any way you slice it, they're just extremely unhealthy for you. Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is, if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful. Any questions? If sugar is so bad, how come Jesus made it taste so good? Yes? But isn't all food bad for you? I've been eating lasagna and muffins every day of my life for 40 years and I feel terrible. Right. What's so bad about corn syrup? It's natural. Corn's a fruit. Syrup comes from a bush. Oh, boy. How do we know you're really a nurse? I am, I promise. I work at Saint Joe's. Well, the point is, my friend thinks you're cute. Give me your number so he can have it. Yeah, that's not gonna happen. Can I have your e- mail address? Oh, my God. I just got on AOL. No! I think we ought to throw those bars out and eat ham-and-mayonnaise sandwiches. That's not a good idea. Ham and mayonnaise! That's not No. Ham and mayonnaise! No, no, no, no. ALL: Ham and mayonnaise! Ham and mayonnaise! Ham and mayonnaise! Oh, God. I can't believe you do this every week. I'm actually encouraged. The questions were more relevant than usual. Yeah. I need to order the brown Timberlands in a size eight, narrow. How much is the next-day shipping? And, what's two-day shipping? Yeah, I'd like to place an order for one pad thai, chicken, and no scallions on it, please. Just for one person, yeah. Just one. Yeah, I saw Mark carrying, like, three boxes. That dude is strong. Whatever. I'll carry five boxes! Go get 'em, champ! Okay, Donna. Where do you want this? Uh-uh. That's it. My baby has a delicate suspension. Are you kidding me? No, I'm not. Move. Put it in your truck, Brendanawicz. There's plenty of room. Hey! Ah! My pocket squares! Sorry, Shoelace. We don't make NutriYums for dogs. Yet. NutriYums. Where nutritious meets tasty. By Sweetums. I guess that about says it all. You know, it doesn't, actually. I think we should watch another video right now, one that your company made 30 years ago. I'm Nick Newport, president of Sweetums, giving you a look inside our corn syrup factory. This is all-new, high-fructose corn syrup, a miracle product that's sweeter than sugar, but cheaper to produce! Cheap, delicious, sugary corn is currently being used by farms to fatten up their cows and pigs. Look how fat those cows are! Fat, happy and docile, the way we like them. So, you still want to claim that corn syrup is healthy? Corn syrup is natural, and it's fine in moderation. But don't take my word for it. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Nick Newport, Jr! All right! What's going on? Yeah! How you doing? Yeah! Yeah! That's what I'm saying! My kids, Denver and Dakota! Come on down, guys! I just wanna get That's good hose water. Don't get my shoes. Hey, what's up, guys? You come to help Tom move, too? Too late! We already almost got all of it. No, we just thought it'd be funny to see April doing physical labor. It's been an awesome moving day. I got the little robot to play Dave Matthews. Little baby! What's he talking about? DJ Roomba. What? All right. Back to the grindstone. Awesome seeing you, dudes. See you. Later, bro. Hi. Hi. God, this is so weird. It's, like, end of an era, huh? It's kind of sad. Yeah, we'll still be friends. Yeah. Well, hey, you guys must be starving. You want me to order you pizza or something? Oh, that'd be great, yeah. Okay. Why don't you get some Canadian bacon on it, since you're from Canada. Mmm-hmm. And sausage, 'cause I am brown and spicy. Okay, all right. Well, I will see you around, I guess. Yeah. Right? I'm around. I'll see you around. Bye. Bye. Wow. Mr. Newport, Jr., thank you so much for coming. But don't you think that every person has a right to know what they're putting in their bodies? Right, everybody? Is Shoelace here? Where's Shoelace? Shoelace couldn't make it. Aw! But I do agree with this nice lady. That's why I say we should let the people be the judge. Denver? Everybody! Check under your seats! Look, look! I got chocolate! Denver, you little son of a bitch. Mmm. There's no pizza left? Sorry, Jer. Too slow. Do you want my crusts? Here, take this. Nobody even told me the pizza was here. Jerry! You stepped on DJ Roomba! That was an accident. You killed him! I built him myself. He was like a son to me. Okay. Time to vote. All those who would like the bloated corpse of the government to keep running the snack bars at taxpayer expense, raise your hands. That seems like an unfair phrasing. And all those in favor of letting this heartless corporation, Sweetums, stuff your children with sugary crap, raise your hand. Thank you, everybody. I can't believe this. You know what? We did our job. We informed the public. That's all we can do. I'm sorry, man. There's nothing we can do. Are you serious? Look, we'll get it fixed and I'll see you Monday. I just got off the phone with my new landlord. Apparently, there's been some sort of gas leak and I can't move into my place until Monday now. Are you telling us we have to unload this and move it back in the house? No, I can't put it there. I promised Wendy I'd be out of here tonight. I got it. Everybody go home, pack away my stuff in your own houses. Then on Monday, pack it back up, meet me at my new place, unload it there. Come on, guys. See you, Tom. Bye. Later. Hey, bro, wanna go get our grub on? Totes, bro. Wings and brews! Why are you guys talking like that? Just chillaxin' like your new bro, Andy. Yeah. Wanna play some Hacky Sack later, maybe listen to Blues Traveler? Okay. I'm leaving. We're just kidding. Let's go to dinner. I'm not hungry. And you guys aren't being funny. Why are you being weird? We make fun of people like that. That's what we do. You know, for a gay couple, you guys are being really gay. I said, "Of course I remember you. You're Chastity, right?" Leslie! Even though I didn't invite you, you came here anyway. I respect that, because you made a choice as a free American. What are you eating? I call this "turf and turf. " It's a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I'm gonna consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American. No cigars inside, sir. Fine. I will smoke the entire thing outside. Even though it is bad for me, I am going to do it. Why is he being such an ass? It's a long story. It's freezing outside, so I will not be smoking this cigar. But rest assured, I could if I wanted to, because this This is America, right? Is it? May I speak with you, please? Look, I don't know if you're being a jerk on purpose just to prove you have the right to be a jerk, but either way, you're being a jerk. So, here. Take the booze chart. Are you kidding me? No. If you're gonna drink, you should use it, okay? I'm gonna head out. By the way, maybe it's none of my business, but if you eat three pounds of steak every day, you're gonna die, and although I've already written your eulogy, and it's incredibly touching, I would prefer not to give it for a while. The first line, by the way? "O Captain! My Captain! Ron Swanson, a swan song. " Yeah, and it gets better from there. April! April! You wanna watch me rollerblade in the parking lot after work? I'm pretty awesome. I used to be really good. That was, like, 70 pounds ago. I can't. I'm kind of busy. Oh, that's lame. Tomorrow? Maybe. I don't know. Okay. Bye. Just kidding! I don't fall! I What are you eating? I didn't have time to have breakfast. I'm gonna toss these in the dumpster outside. And I don't wanna see you digging around in there later. I am sorry. I have been a horse's ass. And that is the end of what I have to say. Apology accepted. Put a coat on. It's freezing outside. Jerry! Jerry! This is the ghost of DJ Roomba. Why did you kill me? I'm gonna haunt you, Jerry. I'm gonna follow you and play the Black Eyed Peas on a non-stop loop!