Death is a Bitch


 * Meg: Mom, Debbie Miller's dad had a lump on his breast and he turned out OK.
 * Lois: Really. Who's Debbie Miller?
 * Meg: A girl I just made up.


 * Peter: You know guys, I do not say this often enough but....um...I'm gonna die.
 * Lois: Oh, my God!
 * Stewie: High five, anyone? Anyone?


 * Peter: [To Lois] From now on I'm gonna appreciate all the little things in life, like you and the kids.


 * Peter: Make yourself at home, Death. I'm going out for a little while.
 * Death: Hey, wait, wait, wait, you cannot tell anyone I am here, for if humanity discovers am no longer lurking in the shadows, the consequences would be dire.
 * Peter: Go on....
 * Death: That's it. [to Lois] What the hell do you see in him?


 * Death: [to Meg] Go get me an Entertainment Weekly. I hear it's got a great picture of me sneaking up on Tom Snyder on the cover.


 * Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out, the lump on your chest was just a fatty corpuscle.
 * Peter: Fatty corpuscle? Wait a minute. How the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?
 * Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, I'm saying you're fine.
 * Peter: I'm fine? What, are you coming on to me now?
 * Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you that you're healthy.
 * Dr. Hartman: Can't it be both?


 * Lois: I'm so worried about your father.
 * Chris: You mean because he's a borderline alcoholic?
 * Lois: No. Mommy's made peace with that.


 * Peter: No, I am not going to see a doctor, Lois. The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist. Just like we do with the squid.
 * [A giant squid appears in front of them, and hits the table and throws off all the dishes]
 * Lois: Earthquake.
 * Peter: Truck going by.


 * Peter: Where did you get that?
 * Death: It was e-mailed me by your HMO.
 * Peter: Just because my doctor was hittin' on me, doesn't mean you have to call him names.


 * Stewie: But you promised the fat one would perish!
 * Lois: I know, Stewie, isn't it lovely?


 * Death: What did you make this cocoa with? Crap?
 * Lois: If you want me to make it again, just say so.
 * Death: I'm sorry. I just thought you would make it with milk, not crap.


 * Peter: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Is this the price of my bill or my phone number?
 * Nurse: Your phone number.


 * Peter: I'm selling all my worldly goods, so you'll have some cash when I'm dead. Yeah, a lot of memories here. Look, my first bike. Boy, I had so much fun playing with that.
 * [Scene goes to Peter as a child having tea with his bike]
 * Young Peter: More tea, Mr. Bike?


 * Peter: So where it says "Name," I'll write "Deceased," and where it says "Sex," I'll write "No thanks, I'm dead."


 * Peter: Who are you?
 * Death: I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm Death.


 * Peter: Stewie, I guess I'm not gonna be here to see you become a man.
 * Stewie: Yes. I think we all know what that's going to be like.
 * [Scene flashes to a middle-aged Stewie]
 * Middle-Aged Stewie: A 20-minute call to Larchmont!? Who do we know in Larchmont?
 * Middle-Aged Stewie's Wife: My sister-in-law.
 * Middle-Aged Stewie: Oh, yes, right. Right. Carol. Yes. That's right. How is Carol?


 * Meg: I got a B-plus in Health. Is there anything I can do?
 * Death: Yeah! Why don't you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein. It's a sprained ankle. I just have to stay off it for a few days.


 * Peter: You can't stay here.
 * Death: Why not?
 * Peter: You're trying to kill me! Besides, how are we supposed to explain you to Mr. Roper?


 * Peter: I'm gonna jump off this building.
 * Cleveland: Could you repeat that, please, Peter? I believe I had something crazy in my ear.


 * Peter: Oh, man. This really is my night. I get to live, and I'm on TV. [turns on the TV]
 * Tom Tucker: Our top story tonight, the rules of Death no longer apply.
 * Diane Simmons: That's right, Tom. Our own Asian reporter, Tricia Takanawa, filed this report, all by herself!
 * [Scene goes to Tricia with Peter at the Clam]
 * Tricia Takanawa: I'm here with Peter Griffin, the man who claims he withstood a barrage of bullets and did not die. Peter, are you saying that if I shoot you in the head with this Channel 5 pistol, you'll be completely unharmed?
 * Peter: Why don't you give it a shot?
 * Tricia Takanawa: Okay, here goes. [shoots Peter in the head and he screams]
 * Tricia Takanawa: What have I done?
 * Peter: [laughing]
 * Tricia Takanawa: [laughs] Oh, you're awful.
 * [back to the Newsroom]
 * Diane Simmons: Fascinating story, Tom.
 * Tom Tucker: It sure is, Diane. And since the laws of Death no longer apply, I can do this. [takes out a chainsaw]
 * Diane Simmons: That's right, Tom.
 * Tom Tucker: Ha-ha! And now it's time for sports. [prepares to start it; Death turns off the TV]
 * Death: Great. The whole world is laughing at me. This is high school all over again.


 * Lois: Death, there is no way Peter can do your job. He could never kill anyone.
 * Peter: Yeah! I mean, you know, I've thought about it, like in church and stuff, but I don't think I could ever do what you do.


 * Peter: So what you're saying the only way to make the world right is for me to kill someone?
 * Stewie: I know! Why don't you kill Lois?
 * Death: No. One death isn't gonna do it. You have to do something that will get everyone's attention, something huge.
 * Chris: How about if you blow up the Earth?
 * Death: Too huge. But you're thinking. I like that.
 * Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
 * Death: Well, that would just leave England. Wait. Wait, I have it. I'm a genius. You'll kill the kids from Dawson's Creek!
 * Peter: I knew it! I knew it! As soon as that show came on the air, I said: "I'm gonna be the one who has to kill these kids."
 * Lois: It's true. He did say it.


 * Man: Look, James, your last movie killed at the box office. Your Q-rating's through the roof. It's time we ditched the WB and concentrate on features.
 * James Van Der Beek: Sir, I don't know who you are, but just because you're sitting across from me doesn't mean you can give me career advice.
 * Man: Oh. Will you sign my ass?
 * James Van Der Beek: You have a pen?


 * Pilot: We now begin our final approach into Los Angeles International. If you look out the window to you're right, you'll see the San Fernando Valley where my brother Gary makes a very nice living directing porn.


 * Peter: [to Death on the phone] Yeah, I'm here. And you can forget it. I've changed my mind. I don't care if you do kill me, I'm not gonna kill those kids. If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays...other than the fine programs on Fox.


 * [After Peter kills the pilots and the plane is about to crash]
 * James Van Der Beek: Nice going, fat...
 * Peter: Hey, I was just trying to save your lives. But now you're all gonna die. No one can land this plane.
 * Karen Black: I can.
 * Peter: Thank God! It's Karen Black! [the kids of Dawson's Creek stare at him blankly] She landed a busted plane in Airport '75? [the kids continue to stare at him blankly] It was a movie, in the '70s. [the kids continue to stare at him blankly] Ah, you damn kids with your music.


 * Tom Tucker: Both of the pilots were killed. Fortunately for the other passengers, actress Karen Black, star of such films as Nashville and Five Easy Pieces was on board.
 * Diane Simmons: Our hats are off to Miss Black for proving once again, that, given the opportunity, actresses over 50 can land large aircraft.
 * Tom Tucker: Karen Black. What an obscure reference.


 * Death: Hey, what the hell? I told you to waste those kids from Dawson's Creek.
 * Lois: You're missing the important thing here. You said you wanted everyone to know the rules of death apply. And now the whole world does.
 * Death: Yeah, I guess so. You know, my ankle's starting to feel better. I should probably get out of your hair.
 * Stewie: Oh, but you just got here! Oh, we can stay in touch, can't we? Oh, oh, oh, what's your e-mail? Mine is "LoisMustDie," all one word, @yahoo.com."


 * Death: Hey, don't worry. I'll be back...really, really soon. [Laughing] "Is he joking?" Okay, see you later.