Fears of a Clown

Dad, we're four episodes early. D'oh! Here it is, Myra the key to the trophy case. If we'd ever won a trophy, I would've turned the heck out of it. Mm. I can't believe you're retiring, sir. [MARTIN GASPS] Martin, I must ask you to keep secret what you just heard the shocking news that I'm retiring. Sir, you are addressing a student safety monitor. With diagonal belt comes great responsibility. I've got a secret! Firsties! [ALL REPEAT SAME MUSICAL PHRASE] What?! Skinner's quitting! I won the pool! Guess who's renting two songs from iTunes! Skinner's retiring! Bombardment! - He will be missed! Bombardment! - [YELPS] He stood up for me when they tried to ban bombardment! Bombardment! My fellow Americans, and Uter: the rumors are true. I'm resigning the principality effective Taco Tuesday. [EXCITED CHATTER] Seymour, you will be missed. And now, the flyover by the Permission Slip Angels. Ow! My distance-vision eye. Skinner leaving. One last chance to honor him. With a shot to the head. Oh. Move it. Come on, Bart! Take the shot! I don't have the damn shot! Now, in honor of our principal's retirement, we'll have a performance from a super talent who's gonna wrap up our feelings. [RAPPING]: I can't believe this is good-bye You were like a mommy who wears a tie You once called men who put me in a net You always told me when I was wet They said I had to wait two years to do karate Even though my friend who is the same age is in the class Karate! There's a certain lack of elegance in rhyming karate with karate. Karate! Now, I'll share a fond farewell with one student chosen at random to represent you all. Oh! Bart Simpson. There is a God, and his name is the Devil. Bart, come forward. In the words of the late David Bowie, nÃ© Jones: "Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes. " All rights reserved, Ziggy Stardust Publishing. Gotcha! Aah! No. Got you! Now, Willie! The honey! [GROANS] [LAUGHTER] Simpson, I'm not retiring. This was all just a prank on you. - [GASPING] - Leave him alone! - [CROW CAWS] - [MARGE GROANS] - [GRUNTS] - [CROW CAWS] Where do I go? How do I live this down? Mom, my humiliation bath is getting cold. Hold still. You've got honey in your pits. [GRUNTING] Oh. Mm, sticky. [GRUNTS] Bombardment! Haw-haw! Oh, Nelsoned by Largo. I'll get them back. I'll get them all back. And that'll be the end of it forever. Not good enough! [CHUCKLES SINISTERLY] What are you gonna do, Bart? Wait, wait, wait. Don't tell me. I'll have nightmares, like the one where I'm wearing my pajamas during the daytime. You are wearing your pajamas. Some day I want to be a racecar driver. Do you know how many get killed? [GASPS] They don't show that on the pajamas! Ugh. [CHUCKLES] Pranking Bart was my "Sergeant Peppers," after a lifetime of "Back Off Boogaloos. " What the? Simpson! Ugh! My skin! [YELLING] [CHILDREN SCREAMING] [CLOWNS YELLING, LAUGHING] Hey, Brandine. These woods is filled with scary white people. What else is new? Bait the traps. Mama needs a new people coat. Thanks to one vengeful prankster, clowns once a source of delight have now become more twisted than the balloon animals they wrap their creepy hands around. We only hope that by showing it on TV, no one goes out and copies it. Now, let's tell you how it's done. Send your copycat videos to "Kent's Krazy Klown Karnival of Kartoon Karnage. " [SILLY LAUGHING] [CHILDREN SCREAMING] [SILLY LAUGHING] [YELLS] Upside down and inside out, and you can feel it [SILLY LAUGHING] [SCREAMS] [ALL YELLING] Oh, no. No. Now people have to judge us by our music. We're doomed. MAN: 20 seconds to air. How many times have I told you not to wake me till it's two seconds to air? Krusty, I have to warn you. People's attitudes have changed about Hey-hey, kids! [LAUGHS] [SCREAMING] Calm down, children. I'm here. The shirtless man with the bone through his skull and a grass skirt with nothing down under. [SCREAMING] I tried to warn you. People hate clowns now. And the advertisers want to meet with you. - [SCREAMING] - [KRUSTY SIGHS SADLY] What is it with Bart and these pranks? - I don't get it. - I don't know. Boys will be boys. That's another thing I don't get. What does that mean? Spoons will be spoons. But they don't make you go to juvenile court at 8:00 in the morning. Yo. If we hurry, we can get those breakfast burritos - they serve at the courthouse. - Those are good, Marge. BAILIFF: Children's Court of Springfield is now in session. Apologies. Divorced dad, no sitter. That must be really tough, Judge. I raised a turtle by myself. Pure hell. Milhouse said he'd help, and he just walked away. Let me look at your file, son. Your Honor, I can save you some time. I've done it all: juvie, state juvie, groovy juvie, the Montessori prison, Outward and Inward Bound. So you're down to fry me or free me. What can I say? I'm a widdle dickens. Well, Bart, based on the ancient judicial principle "boys will be boys" [CHUCKLES] Mm-hmm. - I'm going to hand down a suspended - No! Marge, for once, let us get rich people justice. No. Judge, I love my son, but he's got a real problem. He needs to learn the meaning of consequences. Huh? Bart, I sentence you to 28 days at the Tomorrow's New Horizons Addiction Rehab Center and General Rotten Time Ranch. Where you'll hang until you're cured. Good bang Wyatt! You've got your mothers anger. Mom, how could you do that to me? - Yeah, Marge. - Because I love you, Bart. And a mother's toughest job is saying "Help me. My kid has a problem. " I do not! All I ask is, Dad, while I'm gone, will you hold onto my can of peanut brittle? [SNIFFLES] Anything for you, Bart. [SHRIEKS] Snakes! Gotcha! [LAUGHS CRAZILY] Why you little! Oh. The snakes ate all the peanut brittle. I don't know. I don't know if I did the right thing. Comfort me. Oh, Marge, part of being a parent is doing things that'll make your child never speak to you again. [CRIES] Oh, no, honey, I didn't mean "never. " Definitely on his deathbed. [SOBBING] When he's dying. Oh! I had to do it. I had to do it. He was out of control. Look what he did to Krusty. I feel terrible for his writers. - [GASPS] - I beat you if you don't flip sign. Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip! What are you here for? To laugh at me? - No. - Please laugh at me! I don't exist unless you laugh at me! [SOBBING] Look what you've done to me! [GASPS] He looks just like me! And Maggie looks just like Lisa. And Milhouse's mother looks just like Milhouse's father. Why is this universe so lazy? Never mind that. Krusty, our son's prank caused this. We're going to help you. Ah, forget it. I'm finished. Oh! [SOBS] - Wait, wait. - KRUSTY: What? You can still work. What if you gave up comedy, and transitioned to serious acting? Eh, impossible. I've never shown genuine emotion in my life. I'm even reading this off a card. Okay, next card. But seriously, I gotta speak from the next card heart. I can't be a dramatic actor. I have all the depth of a foot bath. Next card. Skip that one. Next card. A lot of funny actors have transitioned to drama: Tom Hanks, Albert Brooks. I'm not convinced. - Michael Keaton. - I'm in. - Zach Braff. - Now I'm not so sure. - Bryan Cranston. - I'm in. And hopeful. Greetings! I am your director, Llewellyn Sinclair, and you are the Barbies and Kens whom I shall pose in my Malibu beach house of thespic triumph. My choice for our play is Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman. However, the rights cost too much, so we'll be doing this knockoff version, The Salesman's Bad Day. [CONFUSED MUTTERING] Don't worry, the text is just Play-Doh to be extruded through the Fun Factory of my Tony Award-watching genius. To play Willie Salesman, please welcome the man who's taking a bold leap into intentional unfunniness, and giving me a ride home tonight, and maybe more, hmm? Mr. Herschel Krustofsky. Hey-hey. Let me see the script. My line. My line. Garbage. Garbage. My line. [SIGHS] I don't know. Should I really be doing this? I'm an out-of-work has-been whose next logical step is to take his own life. And that's exactly what Death of a Salesman is about. I thought this was The Salesman's Bad Day. And that's exactly what I said. Anyone hear different? I thought not! But Krusty, the part of Willie Loman, I mean "Salesman," is perfect for you. You'll just be playing yourself. - Can I play someone I like? - No. I know he can't see me, but can he still feel my love? I'm afraid the glass blocks that, too. Oh. Marge, I promise I will make your boy whole. I want to believe that so much. I'll never forget how peaceful he was in those moments before he took his very first breath. Bart, you act like you don't have a problem, but deep down, you know you need help. No way. I am awesome. Sit down and I'll elaborate. [CHUCKLES] Um, I think I'll need some help. Uh, Marge, could you come in here? Please, take my seat. [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] We need to get to the bottom of this. Right to the point. No, no, no! Oh, well, maybe I should try a different tack. [DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES] Mom, don't sit down! I don't want to hurt you. Okay, you just completed step one: learning empathy. [GRUMBLES] Ow! Pop, look. I am losing the weight. Come on, Krusty! There's raw emotion just beneath your surface. Frack it! Oh, I don't know, I'm scared. The theater is not for cowards. All I ask for is integrity and honesty in The Salesman's Bad Day. Title may change. Now, Herschel, summon that talent you've hidden from the entire world for 60 years. [SOBBING]: I can't! [SOBBING CONTINUES] Hershel, my son, listen to me and listen good. You are a once-in-a-generation performer. You think so? No! I was faking it. And if I can do it, so can you. And now, become a great actor. And now, sense memory. - And now, be present. - [GROANS] And articulate! - And we breathe. - Oh, okay. And great actor. I'm sorry, my sons. Clench butt. I'm finished as a salesman. Clenchier. The only thing I have left worth anything is Transport me to another plane. my life insurance. But, Pop, that only pays off if you're Big pause. Dead. Your pop is gonna go out on his route, boys. One last time. No, Pop. No. Tell your mother I'm sorry about the woman in Boston! Also, my death is a metaphor for American industry! [CAR HORNS HONKING] [CRASHING] I'm doing it. I'm doing it! And I'll be fine, unless I get those voices in my head. You can't act. [LAUGHS] Uh-oh. You're a clown, and that's all you'll ever be. And when you die, they'll be playing this: - [SINGS CARNIVAL CALLIOPE MUSIC] - No. No. Stop it. - No! No! No! - [SINGING CONTINUES] Ugh. Ah! Anything wrong, Krusty? Only what's tormented me my entire life. Very good. See you tomorrow. [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING] Reverend, I'm here for my last step: to make amends for the rotten things I've done. Oh, fine. Let me get into uniform. I'm sorry I cut all the Bible ribbons short so no one could mark their place. Why you son of a [TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING] Willie, I'm sorry I shaved your beard. I've had to wear a merkin on me face. [GROANS] I also had the blades removed from your lawnmower. You've just been riding around. No one interferes with me mowing! And I'm sorry I used your baseball chalker to write "Skinner Sucks. " I'll show you who su Wait, you can do that? Please don't encourage me. [BOTH LAUGHING] Thank you for encouraging me. Ugh, we're out of chalk. [LAUGHS] You know, I had just completed rehab. Well, me, too. America loves a lot of things, but I never dreamed a comeback was one of them. - Tell me, Krusty. - No, no. No more of the "K" word. I'm a serious actor now. If only my father could see me. Oh, I see you. Son, you used to be a putz. Now you're a putz trying to be a schmendrick, which makes you a schmeckle. Get out of my head! Yet another puff piece that ends in madness. I know you lost the love of Linda Ellerbee while we were launching the luge at the Olympics in Lillehammer. B-B-B-Brokaw. Bart Simpson cured of pranking? I never thought I'd see it. And you haven't. Look up there. Water balloons, ready to drop. [MILHOUSE GASPS] It's times like this I'm glad I have eyebrows. [BART HUMMING] [GASPS] Sweetie, I've never been prouder of you. I knew my little bad seed could bloom into a flower. You're proud of me? That's right. Now go give that speech and know that sitting in that audience will be your mother, who's always believed in you. Nothing can rain on my parade today. I I I Run! [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING] [SCREAMING] Simpson! [LAUGHS] Motherhood sucks. [HUMMING] [CHUCKLES] Boys will be boys. [MURMURS ANGRILY] Ah! You can't come in here. This is the "boys will be boys" room. [HOMER SHRIEKS] Tonight, you will make theatrical history. You'll take a play that has been seen all over the world more times than man can count, and you will do the best version ever. How do I know? Because I just took six Valiums. See you outside. You'll never get rid of me. You'll always be a self-hating clown. [GROANS] When I was 17, I walked into the Amazon. The company, not the river. And when I was 21, I walked out. And, man, was I loaded. Thank you, Jeff Bezos. Listen to your uncle, boys. He's a great man. The audience is quiet. That means you're bombing. Quick, you got to get a laugh. Drop your pants, show your fanny. You know, your "A" material. Get out of my head. - I [GRUNTS] am [GRUNTS] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] a serious actor! [GRUNTING] Laughs? I'm getting laughs. - And not from a machine. - Go with it. I'm a salesman A dying salesman I'm Willie Loman Just watch me go, man I'm gonna suck That old gas pipe Pipe, pipe. [INHALES] Whatever doesn't kill me makes the play longer. [LAUGHS] [AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS] This play will run forever. Okay, but now that I'm big again, I can't work Tuesdays, Thursdays, the month of July, or Toronto Raptors' home games. I'm the Spike Lee of that team. Ah, standard exemptions. I love it. He fails at everything he can His sons can't stand their old man It's sell, sell, sell Till he dies, dies, dies In a car crash. All's well that ends well. How did it end well? He's ruining my play. Well, don't worry. You've got plenty of other good plays. Oh, wait. You don't. Hey, I'm America's greatest playwright. Exactly. Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=the-simpsons&episode=s29e14