Punch Dumped Love

Presenting my special caviar omelet with gruyere cheese a la Bertram.

Voila!

(Phones beeping)

Tomorrow I'm just heating up frozen waffles.

Kids: Yay!

Ravi, are you ever going to take your turn?

What's the point of playing Zombie Slaughter with Buddies, if your buddy never slaughters zombies?

I am trying to read The Fairfield News.

Do you know there has been a rash of burglaries in the building?

Uh-oh. I'd better go lock my Dollhouse!

What? I got fine mini-China in there.

Guys, relax. We have top-notch security downstairs.

We have Tony downstairs.

We are doomed!

Hey, guys, I have to run to The Post Office this afternoon to overnight these fish to France for your mom's emergency pedicure.

Ooh, I want a fishy!

They eat the dead flesh off your feet.

I'm good.

Emma, I need you to walk Zuri home from school today.

Okay. (Gasps)

(Phone beeps)

O-M-G! Kelly is wearing a chiffon dress to the dance tomorrow!

Now, I can't wear my chiffon dress!

I miss having 14-year-old girl problems.

Now that Rachel Kapowski's single, I'm gonna ask her to the dance.

She's my dream girl.

I thought I was your dream girl.

It's a dream, I can like as many girls as I want.

Ugh... men.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ My whole world is changing. Turning around. ♪ ♪ They got me going crazy. Yeah, they're shaking the ground. ♪ ♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town. ♪ ♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie. ♪

(School bell rings)

I am ready.

Ravi, we're not playing hocky we're playing dodge ball.

Yes, against Gale "The Gorilla" Gustavo.

He's not that tough.

(Grunts)

Look, there's Rachel.

Her break up with "The Gorilla" was all over the Walden website.

It would have been the top story, but the third graders' guinea pig had babies.

Mazel tov, Fluffy!

You read the school's website, too?

You make reading lamer than it already is!

(Whistles)

Oh!

(Chuckles) Nice shot, Rachel!

I think you just turned his outie into an innie.

Ravi: Oh!

(Grunting) Oh! Ow!

I am already out, people!

What are you going for, extra credit?

Ow!

Whoa!

Awesome duck and roll, Luke!

You've got some good moves.

If you like that, you should see me move on the dance floor.

Well, technically, this is gonna be the dance floor.

Yeah, different decorations, same sweat sock smell.

(Chuckles)

So, I see you like stink based humor.

Well, you'll get a lot more of that if you come to the dance with me.

Sure.

(Roars)

(Nervous grunt)

I would hate to be one of your pimples.

Hey! Thanks for taking the umbrella, and then not picking me up!

I got a call from the '70s and they want their hair back!

(Sighs)

Zuri, I'm so sorry!

I forgot because I was practicing my smoky eye.

You're lucky I don't give you a black eye!

Please don't tell Jessie.

Fine. It's going to cost you a week's allowance.

$2,000 for one little favor?

I'll give you 50 bucks.

Deal! I would've kept quiet for a Chuckles bar, sucker!

Whoa! Zuri, you're gonna need a bigger bike helmet.

Uh, good idea. We'll go buy one!

(Stammering)

(Whistling)

Bertram, why do I feel like the kids don't tell me everything?

Why do you care? The less they talk, the better.

But, I really feel like sometimes...

Zip! That goes for you, too.

There is no way Mrs. Kipling can catch a burglar.

She can't even catch a cricket unless it has a limp.

(Grumbles softly)

Just stick to the script.

(Sighs)

Oh, what a lovely day in my big penthouse!

Surrounded by all my expensive things.

Oh, no! A burglar!

If only a small dinosaur would stop him!

(Grumbles softly)

Hey, guys, I put a snack out for you on the... whoa!

(Crashing)

(Groaning) Oh!

Bertram! Bertram! Speak to me! What's the snack?

Sushi.

Ugh!

Oh!

Oh, Emma, are you making a salad?

On your face?

I'm giving myself a pre-dance facial.

Uh-uh. And what else did you do today?

Oh, you know, the ushe.

I went to school and got my hair and nails done.

So, you got them done after school?

Yep!

Was that before or after you forgot to pick up Zuri?

Before.

A-ha!

I knew you didn't pick your sister up from school.

How did you find out?

You just told me.

Why would I do that?

Because I tricked you.

Well, that wasn't very nice!

I cannot believe you didn't pick Zuri up from school!

Sorry, I forgot.

Like you've never forgotten anything before.

Um, I never forget things.

Yeah-huh! Remember that time you forgot who you were and had to fight against a secret government agency to protect yourself and the woman you love?

That's the plot to The Bourne Identity.

I can't believe you're mad at me for not doing your job!

That's it!

You are not going to that dance!

What?

This is totally unfair!

You are the worst nanny in the history of nannies!

Emma, I know you don't mean that.

Ugh... teenagers.

Um, you're a teenager, too.

The only difference between you and her is that you don't get invited to things.

Ugh... butlers.

Jessie, I'll make you a deal.

I go to the dance, and you ground me from all my math classes.

How is that a punishment?

Because I love math!

Two plus two equals fabulous!

Nice try.

Jessie, does this look okay?

I need to look perfect for my date with Rachel.

Meanwhile, I'll be here, growing old and bitter, like somebody I know!

I was talking about you, Jessie!

Yeah, I got that!

Luke, don't worry, you look great.

Oh, thanks.

If a tad nervous.

I haven't seen sweat stains like that since you got your last report card.

Ugh! I need some advice about girls.

My freckles can only take me so far.

Luke, don't worry, all right? Just be yourself.

Ooh, and get her a rose.

Good idea, but what should I say?

What do girls like to hear on a date?

Well, uh, I can tell you what we don't like to hear.

"Whoa, you're going to eat that whole thing?"

"Babe, babe, I, I forgot my wallet, do you mind paying for dinner?"

(Farting sound)

And we definitely don't want to hear that on a date!

Oh, that's my new text alert.

I recorded it myself.

Man, I love technology!

Okay, my advice for tonight.

Blow-dry your pits and keep your phone on silent but deadly.

(Beeps)

I can't believe everyone is at the dance and I'm stuck here!

Thanks a lot, Balloon Jessie!

(Panting)

Emma! Balloon Jessie! Horrible news!

Peasant blouses are back?

Worse, I just read on the Walden website, that Gale has sworn revenge on Luke for stealing his woman!

They broke up, he can't blame Luke!

I do not think a guy nicknamed The Gorilla, comprehends the subtle nuances of teen dating etiquette!

We've got to call Luke!

I already tried. He is not answering.

Oh... he could be in mid-swirly right now!

Then there's only one thing to do!

Ravi, will you come to the dance with me?

Emma.

Emma.

I am very flattered, but you are my sister.

♪Pot pies taste so good!

They're yummy in my tummy!

♪Yum, yum...

Ah!

(Crashing)

We got you, thief!

Ugh! It's only Bertram.

(Scoffs)

I told you, no burglar is going to come get us!

Besides, marbles aren't going to stop anyone.

Whoa!

They stopped you.

Twice.

Emma, can we talk?

Look, I don't want you to miss out on that dance but, you need to understand that what you did was really wrong.

Okay, ignoring the problem won't make it go away.

Kind of like my credit card bill.

Emma?

(Gasps)

You're not Emma, you're Balloon Jessie!

So Emma snuck out!

I cannot believe she went to that dance!

And gave me a mustache!

But I do look good as a blonde.

♪ Zizik's Deli makes hoagies like my mommy! ♪ I love their soups and breads and also their pastrami.

(Machine buzzing)

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (Grunting)

A-ha! It worked!

Ugh! It's just Bertram again.

What a waste of a good ball beat-down.

Turn it off, or load it with meatballs!

(Bertram grunting)

Bertram, we are trying to defend our penthouse!

That's it! No more traps!

(Breathes heavily)

Bertram...

What?

Are you going to pick that up?

(Dance music playing)

This is for you, Rachel.

A pretty rose for a pretty girl.

Thanks, Luke. It's so beautiful.

There.

(Pants)

Is it hot in here? Are you hot?

I mean, you are hot...

I mean, are you warm-hot?

You know what? I'm going to go get us some punch.

(Grunts)

Wow. Rookie mistake.

Even when you're floundering, never back away from a girl.

They can smell fear.

Even through all that cologne you have on, which stinks right now.

Adam Sandler! What are you doing at our school dance?

Uh, just trying to pick up some spare change chaperoning.

If we have to have grownups, too, I'm glad it's you.

(Chuckles)

Ugh! Whatever you do, don't drink the punch!

I made that punch.

I mean, don't just drink it. Savor it!

Yeah!

Go ahead. Wash that foot out of your mouth.

Ah, sorry, Mr. Sandler.

Don't call me Mr. Sandler, call me Thunder.

Why?

I just think it sounds cooler.

Okay. So, Thunder, do you think I have a chance with this girl?

Absolutely.

When it comes to girls, all you have to be is polite, honest...

And a movie star.

But I'm not a movie star.

Well, you should try it sometime, it's excellent.

Now, go back out there, and take her some of my punch.

I made it in Kevin James' bathtub.

Don't worry, he was wearing a wetsuit.

(Doorbell rings) Oh!

♪Hoagies are here at last!

♪Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!

Thank you!

Let me get your tip.

Here's a tip.

You're being robbed.

Ha, no kidding! At $15 a sandwich, you're robbing us blind!

Oh.

(Sighs)

Whoa!

Whoa!

Emma!

Luke, you've got to get out of here.

Gale said he's going to get you for dating Rachel!

Well, bring it on! If he wants to fight, I'll fight him.

There won't be a fight, Gale will give you a wedgie!

And everyone will see your ridiculous Superman undies!

Some people think they're cool.

Nobody thinks they're cool.

Not even Lois Lane!

I'm willing to take that chance.

I finally got my dream girl.

I'm not going to lose her because of some underwear-yanking gorilla.

Luke, at least tighten your belt!

Emma! Emma! Oh, excuse me. Sorry, oh...

Ow, ow, ow, okay, okay...

Oh, yeah.

Adam Sandler? What are you doing here?

Waiting for them to play Gangnam Style.

I've been practicing all week.

I'm here looking for one of my charges. I'm the nanny.

Yeah?

Yeah. But I'm also a struggling actress.

Really? What have I seen you in?

Uh-uh.

Nothing. That's why I'm struggling.

Makes sense.

Yeah... do you have any advice for me?

I do. Remember this.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Show up on time.

Know all your lines.

Mmm-hmm.

And whenever possible, do this. (Mumbles incoherently)

(Mumbles incoherently)

That's it, that's it.

Oh? Yes!

This punch is horrible.

Yeah, that's Kevin James' feet you're tasting.

Good to meet you.

Good to meet you.

A-ha!

Ah!

Got ya!

(Stuttering) Jessie, I can explain.

Great, can't wait to hear it 16 years from now, when you're ungrounded!

You'll be 30!

Jessie, I didn't sneak out to come to the dance.

Really? Huh! That's weird, because with people dancing, and music playing, it really seems like we're at the dance!

Jessie, listen!

I snuck out to warn Luke!

Rachel's old boyfriend, The Gorilla, is coming after him!

Please tell me they call him The Gorilla because he likes to climb trees.

No, it's because he's huge, grunts, and can peel a banana with his feet!

And now he's going to give Luke the wedgie of his life!

Oh, no. And Luke's probably wearing his Superman underwear!

We've got to find him.

Hey, Luke, get ready for some Gale-force winds.

See what I did there?

Have you grown since gym class?

Yep. (Roars)

Ah!

(Everyone gasps)

My punch!

I knew I should have made brownies.

Gale, all you've managed to do is make yourself look foolish, and ruin poor Adam Sandler's punch.

"Thunder's"! When is that gonna catch on?

Gale, I can't believe you did that!

Yeah, humiliating me is not going to win Rachel back.

Right, Rachel?

You still care!

Or maybe it will.

I'm sorry, Luke.

The rose was sweet, but you should give it to a girl who really deserves it.

Hey, you want to go get some Chinese later?

I've been really craving some moo goo Gale pan.

Oh, I've missed your clever wordplay.

You should be ashamed of yourself!

You think I want to live a life of crime?

I can't support myself on deli tips!

And the delivery charge is not the tip, people!

Well, here's a thought.

Why don't you get a new job?

I was a philosophy major!

There's no jobs in philosophy!

Congratulations, dad, you were right!

Okay...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Not Gary the Gravy Boat!

He's my best friend!

I mean, my best dispenser of gravy.

(Stamps) Ow!

(Roars)

(Screams)

(Grunting)

(Sobbing)

Zuri: Bertram, what's wrong?

Did you taste your cooking again?

Oh, Bertram, who is your friend?

(Muffled yelling)

And why are you tied up?

(Sighs) Because that's what burglars do!

(Gasps) So you're the burglar?

What evil sickness drives a man to steal?

What else am I supposed to do?

My only skills are peddling a bike and discussing Kierkegaard!

Now, please, call off your Velociraptor.

I told you Mrs. Kipling could be a fierce guard lizard!

Sorry, Mrs. K.

Who knew you can go all Jurassic Park on someone?

(Grumbles softly)

Hello! We're still getting robbed here!

Someone untie me and call the cops!

No! Don't call the cops!

If you let me go, I can get you free hoagies for the next three years!

Really?

Both: We are calling the cops!

Okay, okay, okay.

(Grumbles softly)

Luke, are you okay?

Not really.

But on the bright side, none of that punch got in my mouth, so...

How did you know Gale was after me?

Emma told me.

Luke, I'm so sorry but, if Rachel can't see how great a guy you are, then she's a big idiot.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting here without a date, looking like a bigger idiot.

(Sighs)

Well, I can't do anything about the punch, but you are done just sitting around.

(Scoffs)

Jessie, you don't have to do this.

Yes, I do!

Luke, you are sweet and funny and cool.

(Chuckles)

And you've got the moves like Jagger.

Hey, check out my friends checking us out.

(Chuckles)

You could probably coast all the way through middle school on this one.

I can coast all the way to my G.E.D!

Really? Yeah, well, maybe.(Chuckles)

Hey, Jessie.

Hmm.

I was told to give this to a girl who really deserves it.

I think that's you.

Aw, Luke.

I'll treasure this.

I treasured that.

(Both chuckle)

Hey, thanks for cheering me up.

Eh, that's what nannies are for.

But you know what would make me feel great?

If I got a kiss.

Don't push your luck.

(Chuckles)

Other than the fact that I still have punch in my pants, this was a pretty good night.

Emma, thanks again for trying to warn me about Gale.

You're welcome.

Yeah, that was a really great big sister thing to do.

You are now officially un-grounded.

Good, because seeing you dancing Gangnam Style was punishment enough.

Adam Sandler did put you to shame.

So not true.

His lasso technique was way too wristy.

(Vocalizing)

(Chuckling)

(Alarm sounding)

Huh... this is new.

Oops, I guess we forgot one of our traps.

Huh! I didn't know it was nanny season.

Get the key!

Key?

Key...

Uh, Zuri, a word?

Sure.

(Uneasy chuckle)

I hope that word isn't "key," because I don't have one.

(Both scream)

They're not coming back, are they?

Guys? Don't you... don't...

(Both scream) Come here!

Kids?

Bertram?

Adam Sandler?

He prefers "Thunder". (Clicks tongue)