Zombieland

"Oh, America"

I wish i could tell you that this was still America.

But I've come to realise that you can't have a country without people.

And there are no people here

No my friends... this is now "The United States Of Zombieland"

It's amazing how quickly thing can go from 'bad' to 'total shit-storm'.

And why am I alive, when everyone around me had turned to meat?

It's because of my list of rules.

Rule#1 for survival in Zombieland... is "Cardio".

When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first one to go were the fatties.

Poor fat bastard!

As the infection spread and chaos grew...

It wasn't enough just being fast on your feet

You'd have to get a gun and learn how to use it.

Which leads me to my second rule "The Double Tag"

In those moments when you're not sure that the 'undead' are really dead-ed

Don't get off stingy with your bullets. I mean one more clean shot to the head.

And this lady could have avoided becoming a human happy-meal.

Woulda? Coulda? Shoulda?

It wasn't long before the zombies began to get clever.

When you are at your most vulnerable, somehow they could just smell it.

Don't let them catch you with your pants down.

Rule #3 "Beware of Bathrooms"

As zombie began to outnumber humans

That's when you have to cut all emotional ties

If the girls in your neigborhood are now fucked up little monsters,

Oh, maybe it's time to stop driving car pools.

You have to focus, on your own survival, which leads to Rule#4

Pretty basic.

"Fasten your seatbelts"

It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

That guy down there, is me.

I'm in Garland, Texas. That may look like zombies destroyed it, but that's actually Garland.

Just 2 months and I might be the last non-cannibal freak in the country.

I may seem like an unlikely survivor with all my phobias and irritable bowel syndrom.

but I had the advantage of never having any friends or close family.

I survived because I played it safe and follow the rules...

My rules.

"Rule #1: Cardio"

Shit.

"Rule #1: Cardio"

Of course.

"Rule #4: Seatbelts"

Motherfucker.

"Rule #2: Double Tap"

On the bright side, I did find the place to go number 2

Another rule to surviving Zombieland: 'Travel light'

And I don't mean just luggage.

I've always been kind of a loner, I avoided other people like they were zombies; even before they were zombies.

Now that they are all zombies, I kinda miss people.

So I'm on my way from my college dorm in Austin, Texas to Columbus, Ohio.

Where, Im hoping my parents are still alive.

Eventhough, we were never really close, just be nice to see a familiar face.

Or any face that doesn't have blood dripping from it's lips and flesh between its teeth.

Thank you.

- What are you looking for? - Nothing, I just uh...

I had this list.

No one back there but my duffel bag.

What's your name?

Stop, no names. Keeps us from getting too familiar.

You almost knocked off your alcohol with your knife.

- That's okay, you don't have to... - No.

- Where are you headed? - Columbus.

You?

Tallahassee.

- More? - Uh, no, one for me, one and done.

You know, Tallahassee and Columbus are, both uh...east.

- So? - So, Tallahassee, you wanna stick together? At least for a while

Here's the deal, Columbus...huh Im not easy to get along with

and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch

- I'll get this relationship to about uh, Texarkana. - Really? Yeah. You'll take me as far as Texarkana.

You're a pappy little spit fuck aren't you?

- You might wanna buckle up, you know for safety. - I can tell already, you are getting on my nerve.

Even though teaming up wasn't my style.

I figure, I'll be safer with Tallahassee.

You see he was in the ass kicking business, and - Bussiness is Good.

It became quickly apparent that he did have one weaknesss.

- What are we doing here? - Take a look. It's a goddamn 'Hostess' truck.

Yeah, I see that a Hostess truck. So what?

I could use a Twinkie.

- You coming? - Uh yes, yeah, one second

- Are you fucking with me? - No.

You should actually, limber up as well especially, if you're going down that hill its very important.

I don't believe in it. You ever seen a lion limber up before taking down a gazelle?

- Sno-balls..? - Yeah. Sno-balls?

- Where's the fucking Twinkies? - I like Sno-balls.

I hate coconut. Not the taste, the consistency.

Oh, this Twinkie thing it ain't over yet.

This may be a bad time, but, I just ate the brown sugar Snowballs.

- Really? - Really.

I know. Again? So soon? What can I say.

I have a case of cronic anxiety.

It is.. I've always been kind of phobic

I find lots of things disturbing.

Like undertoe, or department store centers, being alone with a baby.

But the thing I fear more than anything, yes, even more than zombies.

Fucking clowns.

When you're afraid of everything that's out there, You quit going out there.

Which is what happened to me before Zombieland.

Friday night. Third straight week indoors.

World of Warcraft.

Leaning tower of pizza boxes. Code red Mountain Dew.

Pride? No where.

Dignity? Long gone.

Virginity? Totally justifyable to speculate on.

My whole life, All I ever wanted was to find a girl.

And fall in love, bring her home to meet the folks.

Then again, since my folks are a couple of paranoid shut ins like me

Maybe this girl could bring me home to her folks.

And then, I'll finally be a member of a cool functional family.

Please, is anyone home? Please, its an emergency.

I don't usually unlock my door to the sounds of panic,

...but my neighbour is insanely hot.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Nice to meet you.

- Mountain Dew? - Yeah, Code Red.

And here's some Gold Grams.

The zip lock bags keep them crisp.

Okay.

- Tell me, what happened? - He was homeless and sick...

And i was walking home from the bar talking on the phone.

And then, he just came, sprinting towards me.

I mean, not, not running, 'sprinting'.

I thought you know he was, like maybe he was running from someone

or after them...the last time I saw he was out there going crazy.

- Drunks maybe? - No.

- I didn't even told you the worst part.

- Yeah? - He tried to bite me.

- You are right, that's the worst part. - Sorry, I was just so scared.

No no no, you should be scared the homeless guys just tried to eat you.

That's like the right kind of scare, that's a reasonable scare.

You know, I get scared for things that don't make sense at all, like...

Clowns, with red noses, or like the rag that use to wipe on table.

when you finishes eating, like a.. chain restaurant.

- Really? - Look, the point is I'm here for you, okay?

And as long as you're by my side, I'm not leaving this apartment.

Do you mind if I just close my eyes for a minute?

- No, of course, of course. - Thank you.

Set aside the feverish homeless cannibal I'm living in the dream.

I've had always my whole life wanted to brush a girl's hair over her ear.

Goodnight.

Oh my god.

Are you okay?

Okay okay okay. Stop stop stop.

What're you doing?

Look, stay back 406, okay? I dont wanna hurt you, but..

Shit.

Oh my god. I'm so fucking sorry.

You see, you just can't trust anyone.

The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.

Listen to me, 406.

If you're in there.. You're just sick, okay?

"Rule #2: Double Tap"

That was my first brush, with the plaque of the 21st century.

Remember mad cow disease? Well 'Mad cow' became 'mad person' became 'mad zombie'.

It's a fast acting virus, that left you with a swollen brain, raging fever and make you hateful, violent.

And give you really really bad case of the munchies

Alright, you steer, I'll push.

Okay.

- I've heard there's a place untouched by all this crap? - Back east, yeah.

Yeah, you heard the same thing?

Out west we hear, back east..back east hear it's here out west.

And it's all just nonsense.

You know, you're like a penguin on the north pole, hear the south pole is really nice this time of year.

There are no penguins on the north pole.

You wanna feel how hard I can punch?

- So, what do you think? - You mean, the last time I laid some pipe?

The last time you went 22's? The percy in the playpen..

- It's personal. - Wallpapered the closet, passed the gravy.

- Went heels to Jesus. - Oh, make loves.

Well, it's just, sex.

Uhm.. Three weeks ago, yeah. In the back of an abandoned FedEx truck.

- Shut, up. - No, no, I was headed east..

She uh, west.

And we took shelter in the back of the truck. It was full of undelivered packages.

What was her name?

Beverly.

- Beverly Hills. - You dog.

- So uh, what about you? - Me?

I... I... Ai yai yai.

Oh my god. That's extra sick.

It'll makes you sad, it makes you.. makes you think you could go back

To the way things were right now, you know, you'd be...

You'd be out in the backyard, you know, trying to catch a fireflies.

...and instead of this.

- I mean it makes you... - Hungry.

- I'm worried about you.

- Look, whatever you have waitin' for you in Columbus, I'll promise you

It ain't be any pretty than our friend here enjoying her man-which.

Tallahassee had a sixth sense of humour when it came to zombies.

Zombies aren't the most loveable creature but he really hated them.

In fact the only thing he was more obsessed to than killing a zombie was finding a Twinkie.

Something about the Twinkie reminded him about, time not so long ago.

When things were simple and not so fucking psychotic.

It was like if he got a taste of that comforting childhood treat,

the world would become innocent again and everything would return to normall.

Pretty prospecting.

Jesus christ. You're a dangerous man.

You're gonna risk our lives for a Twinkie?

There's a boxes of Twinkies in that grocery store.

Not just any box of Twinkie.

The last box of Twinkie that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe.

Believe it or not, Twinkie have an expiration day.

Someday very soon, life's little Twinkle gauge is gonna go empty.

Time to nut up or shut up!

When Tallahassee goes Hulk on a zombie, he set the standard for not to be fucked with.

No fear, nothing to lose.

What can I say, it's like, it's like art.

You got a purdy mouth!

Don't swing, don't swing.

Swing.

- Thank you. - You owe me.

- You're great one. - I know.

Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie.

Oh, big hoss.

Come here big fella, just gonna take a little off the top.

- Wow, these fellas really let themselves go. - And they're so fat.

Uh, I think we should probably just keep going.

All I could think of was "What are the odds?".

Another marriageable women to bring home to the folks.

Come quick.

Someone's ear is in danger of having hair brushed over it.

I'll catch up later.

"Rule #22: When in Doubt, Know Your Way Out"

They're sisters. The little one's been bit. Act normal, try not to freak her out.

Colombus. Wichita, Little Rock.

- So, you did all this for a Twinkie? - Oh, no no no no, he did.

I'm just kind of like a Sancho Panza character.

- Um, I don't think she has long to live. - I know, so does she.

We're just looking for a way out.

- No no no no, she's still a little girl. - Don't talk about me like I'm not here.

Alright, I'm sorry. Look, I know, you know that you're really sick.

- But uh, your sister wants me to.. - It's not her decision

It's mine.

I made a promise.

We already said goodbye, but we didn't have a gun.

Oh look, we don't know that there's definitely no cure right?

You're just gut-less.

Give him the gun.

Wait, wait.

I'll do it.

- I love you. - I love you too.

You need some help?

Now that you mention it.

We'll take your weapons, your car key, your ammunitions.

And if you got it, sugarless gum.

What the fuck.

Wa.. Wait, why are you guys doing it?

Well, better you make the mistake of trusting us, than we make the mistake of trusting you.

Of course the first hot girl in a thousand miles shows up, makes me feels like an idiot, steals my double barrow

and says I'm the one that can't be trusted.

Nice going genius. You're the one that gave her the gun.

Those guys were dumb.

- Avoid the vanity mirror. - Relax ok, I just passed for a zombie.

- What I'd give for a show... - Do not say the S-H-O-W-E-R, okay?

Just get the rule going.

- So, do you think it's true? - Is what true?

- Rumors about Pacific Playland. - Totally zombie-free. Only places way to go.

Trust me.

So he's on one of the serious Tour 'de France bikes, you know with the, like the toeholds, right

And uh, he's peddling. And the zombies head is like caught in the gear.

You know with the hair and the chain just like, going around.

Very cool.

- Yeah. - But..

Zombie-kill of the week.. no sir.

I saw this construction worker I shit you not.

He's on the steam roller and the zombie goes down in front of me..

Ever roll a tube of tooth paste up from the bottom?

- Yeah. I always rolled up from bottom to top. - Yeah, zombie's head is the cap.

Do you know this guy who's trying to like.. to be in everyone's story?

No. I knew who got away worse than that to me.

- I just try to find their car. - Which would remind me..

I never had headaches like this 'til your ass came on board.

Do what you want with a man, but do not fuck with his Cadillac.

- Hey, this is a nice mini-van. - Yes, it is nice.

That's a beautiful van.

Tallahassee firmly believe that you have to blow off steam in Zombieland

...or else you'll lose what's left of your mind.

Well, if it makes him happy and keeps him from using that crowbar on me,

Then I say "Hey, go waste shit".

I want my Caddy back.

Stupid little bitches.

Oh, I think I pulled something.

You think there's two of us smart enough to come home with a car like that?

You hesitated.

Would you rather be smart or lucky?

Look at what we got here.

- It's nice. - Small finger.

"Rule #31: Check The Back Seat"

Thank God for rednecks.

This is a really big truck, and these are really big gun.

Take your time.

You know they say "He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves".

Alright, two graves.

One for the big chick, one for the little chick.

You're scary happy.

Come on, why don't we just forget about those girls and head home.

So you want to talk about home?

To me home was a, puppy name Buck.

Cutest dog ever.

Cause of those fucking zombies...

I lost him.

There ain't no getting him back, so uh...

I'm looking for a new home.

Tomorrow maybe, skinny dip in a Yellowstone River.

Swinging from the chandeliers in a Playboy mansion, but today,

A Vortec 6 fucking litre V8. A box full of hollow points and a Lord willin' and GD Twinkie.

Gotta enjoy the little things.

I hate to give credit to anyone who looks like Yosmite Sam,

but I'm writing it down.

Rule No. Enjoy the little things

- Going in, it's a trap.

Wait here.

Drive down if I signal.

- You're not gonna shoot them, are you?

- Unless the shoot me.

Oh, let's hope they shoot me.

Looks like they hoofed it.

Probably headed west.

Just drive slow, keep your eyes peeled.

They're in the back, aren't they?

- Just me.

- I'm really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger.

- You got taken hostage by a twelve year old?

Well, girls mature faster than boys.

She is way ahead of where I was at that age.

- Twelve's the new twenty. Gun please.

- Like you would ever use it..

Don't kill me with my own gun.

- All those violent video games.

- Thank you.

Now honk your horn. - What?

- Honk it.

- Oh, there's your sister, that's my gun.

Hello.

- Bummer.

Now step away from the vehicle.

You get to ride shotgun

I kinda like this girl.

She's not your typical hot, stuck up bitch.

Even before Zombieland, Wichita was running the table on guys like us.

- What are you looking for?

- My engagement ring.

- I took it off to pump my gas and I thought I had it in my purse,

but it must've fallen out.

And I'm late for my flight..

- Listen, I'll find your ring and I'll FedEx it to you.

- I'll give you a reward

- Do not be silly.

- Three-thousand dollars.

It's worth more than my car.

- Just, just give me your number.

I'll find it.

Yeah I'll start looking for it right now.

Cause I got nothing else to do.

I was engaged once,

but I'm single now.

Bye

Hope you make your flight.

I know it's around here somewhere, she's on a plane, that's the beauty of it.

Let me call you back.

Hey, you found my ring.

Thanks, I've been looking all over for it.

- Your ring? - It was my friend's.

I'm gonna send it to her. - Do I get a reward?

- 40, 60, 80, 400, That's it. That's the whole register.

You made someone very happy.

- You too.

- How many left? - Let me see.

Enough for us to get to California.

Someday I want a ring this big.

- For the low price of 30 bucks, sold.

It's amazing how far you can get with some costume jewelry and a cut-throat attitude.

I guess we're just lucky they didn't leave us by the side of the road.

- Thank you Wichita, Thanks Little Rock.

- Hey for fuck's sake, enough already, we're being chased by ravenous freaks.

We don't have enough problems?

"Oh, they stole my Hummer", "We have trust issues".

Now get over it, okay, we can't just fucking drive down the road playing I-spy,

or some shit for two hours, like four normal-ass Americans?

Fuck me!

I know

Let me be the mature one.

- So

Where are you guys headed.

- "Pacific Playland"

- The amusement park?

- Wait, outside LA?

- Yeah, we went there as kids.

- That place totally blows..

my mind. It's so fun. Just good entertainment for the whole family.

- Yeah actually I went there as a kid too. In fact this probably counts as off season.

- Well, did you guys hear? There are no zombies there

- Yeah, we heard.

You know what, I may not shoot you,

but you still royally piss me off.

And I'm not going to play with you at Pacific Playland.

- Don't worry he grows on you. - Really?

- No, it's worse. - Okay.

How about we play the quiet game?

Yeah? Starting now.

- Oh, I've actually been meaning to ask you. Did you hear anything about Columbus, Ohio?

- You've heard of the quiet game? - Sorry.

No? Well they're playing it in Columbus, ohio.

It's a total ghost town, burned to the ground.

- You're Columbus.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize it was..

I'm not sure what's more tragic,

That my family is gone,

or the realization that I had never much of a family to begin with.

Either way I can't pretend that whatever I'm looking for,

I'll find by going home.

I have no home.

- We can,

give you a ride.

You can go, see for yourself, or settle somewhere new.

I could tell she knew what I was feeling.

We are all orphans in Zombieland.

I know this Pacific Playland thing is nuts,

but,

it's been so long since she got to be a kid.

- It's tough growing up in Zombieland. - It's tough growing up.

There, you can take that truck.

Well, I,

hope you find whoever it is you're looking for.

And don't let go, once you do.

It wasn't just because i had nowhere else to go.

It was cause in that moment it became clear.

Wherever this girl was,

that's whereIi wanted to be.

- Man we're gonna have to pull over soon. I'm feeling cooped up.

Wantamiro Wampum, Yeah that'll work.

- Okay but what the hell are we doing?

- Just humor him, trust me.

- Hold on. - Who wants to go first?

I really, really wanna impress Wichita,

but it would be a direct violation of Rule #17, maybe the most important of all,

Don't be hero.

- Why don't you take this one.

- Don't mind if I do.

What do you think? Zombie kill of the week?

Close, but no cigar.

Zombie kill of the week goes to sister Cynthia Knickerbocker.

Poor flat bastard.

- Perfume? - What?

- Is that perfume?

- It's cologne.

- I'm thinking:

"Lanco Magnifique"

- Why don't you speak up, they might've missed it in Santa fe.

- Oh my God. You're thinking about fucking Wichita.

Wish granted. She spent the last 24 hours fucking us both.

Good luck now Petunia.

- Ok, let me begin my three-part apology by saying

that I think you're a wonderful human with great potential..

- FYI, I beat wholesale ass for a lot less than that.

- I'm sure - You get 45% power.

- Thank you.

Come on, break another one.

Nice.

Doesn't that feel good.

Sometimes Tallahassee's right. You gotta enjoy the little things.

Even if that means destroying a whole lot of little things.

- What smells like perfume?

- You don't know who Willie Nelson is? - No.

- Willie Nelson. - Yeah, no, I don't.

- Yeah I shave every morning but sometimes

by like 4:30 I have a thing... (continue rambling)

- Since this is a freeway. You can get it up to 65, but you don't wanna go more than 75.

- You don't wanna go more than 20.

- Do not worry about it. Blind spots, blind spots are for other drivers.

- So do you never strap in or just, when on road trips? - It's just, you know,

there's zombies everywhere. I think the least of my worries is..

- Yeah that's true.

..seat belts.

- Yes but no, she's not. she's not.

She's only famous when she's Hannah Montana, when she's wearing the wig.

-Okay, right. -So..

- This is kind of freeing. - Yeah.

For the first time in a long time,

we were having fun.

So even though it ran counter to our survival strategies,

we decided to stay together as far as Pacific Playland.

- You know I think sleep deprivation is like the number one health problem in America.

No, I think it moth be number two.

- Number two.. - That's adorable.

- I'm just saying we should find a place to crash. - Oh, I got an idea.

We're in Hollywood, let's sleep in style.

Grab a map.

- Come on. - Hurry.

- It seems like everyone who has ever been in a movie lives on this block.

- What exactly do you think we're doing in the 90210 Sally?

- I kind of pictured Tom Cruise living somewhere nicer.

- B..lister compared to who I got in mind folks.

We are going to the Tipi Top of the A-list.

- Who? - You'll see.

- Hey, here's a big BM.

- It ain't Bob Marley.

- This place is incredible.

- Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to La Menzion de Murray.

- Oh, Bill Murray

- God, no way.

This guy has a direct line to my funny bone, I mean every..

- Boy, who's Bill Murray?

- I have never hit a kid before, but I mean that's like asking who Gandhi is.

- Who's Gandhi?

- She's twelve.

- No Twinkies. - Shit Bob.

- See? I told you we should've gone to Russel Crowe's. No one listens to me.

- Hello, inside voices, okay?

- At least until we know we are alone.

- Hey Tallahassee, Wichita why don't you take that way.

Little Rock come here.

Why do I get stuck with her?

It doesn't seem to end.

Hey come here.

He has his own movie theatre?

Ok, I'm gonna teach you a little something about Bill Murray.

The king slept right here.

Dibs on the bed.

Too soft for me anyway.

Oh, this is so exciting, you're about to learn who you're gonna call.

Ghostbusters.

This is pretty catchy.

Help me with the boots, come on. Help me with the boots.

Ok, I'll get 'em myself.

Bill Murray, you're a zombie?

You're not a zombie, you're talking.

You're okay.

- The hell I am. - I'm sorry, I didn't know that it was you-you.

Are you..What's with the, the get up?

Oh, I do it to blend in, you know zombies don't mess with other zombies.

Buddy of mine, make-up guy, showed how to do this.

Corn starch, you know some berries, a little liquish for the ladies.

It suits my lifestyle. You know I like to get out and do stuff.

Just played nine holes at the Riviera, just walked on, nobody there.

Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray.

I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush.

This is so surreal, I mean. You probably get this all the time,well, maybe not lately,

but I'm such a huge fan of yours.

I've seen everyone of your movies a million times.

I even love your dramatic roles, everything.

Six people left in the world, one of them is Bill fucking Murray.

I know that's not your middle name.

But I've been watching you since i was like.. since I could masturbate, not that they're connected.

You know "A former greenskeeper about to become the master champion."

- That's why we do it.

- I love you Bill, I love you.

- Thank you.

- You are staring at me, it's a hairpiece it's a..

- Sorry, it's just that you look remarkably like Eddy Van Halen.

- I Just saw Eddy Van Halen.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Where? - At the Hollywood bowl.

- Well, how was it? - He's a zombie

- That's a tough break.

- So how about a little west coast hospitality. Can I get you something? What would you like?

[Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear The Reaper]

- Oh hurry, hurry he's on the ceiling. Come get him. Oh..

- Light 'em up Murray. - See you on the other side Pete.

- You're so disgusting.

- Don't cross the streams.

- I don't wanna cross.. - Don't cross the streams!

- "35 feet long, weighing approximately 600 pounds" - "That's a big Twinkie"

- Your sister's single, right? There's nothing long-distance or anything.

- No. - Good, good.

And if she had, like, a type - if you can have a type - what would that be?

- She kinda goes for, like, bad boys.

- Really? - Yeah.

- That's cool.

- So Columbus is the scared one? - Yeah, he's like a little bunny.

- I'll get him.

Watch this.

- It's okay, it's okay. I got him.

Is that how you say hello where you come from?

Oh my God, Oh my God I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.

Mr. Murray?

Just Bill I think now.

- Bill? - Yeah?

- I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this.

- Ow, that's still tender.

- You think you might pull through?

- No.

- If it means anything now I am so sorry.

It was just instinctive.

- It was my bad.

I was never a very good practical joker.

- So do you have any regrets?

"Garfield", maybe.

- I'm sorry, he just gets me.

But it still is sad. - Yeah.

- Sorry. One second

-It's a double-barrel so..

Okay.

3, 2, 1.

- You guys want some caramel? - Yes.

- Oh Free parking, which coincidentally

is the best thing about Zombieland.

- No, best thing about Z-land: No Facebook status updates.

You know "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday".

Who cares.

- The best thing is no more flushing, epic.

- And worst thing? About Z-land?

- You mean other than the fact that I shot Bill Murray?

- That's easy.

- Losing Bob.

- That's his puppy.

- I tell you, I never thought I could love anything like Bob

The day he was born I just lost my mind.

- Sorry.

He had my personality, my laugh, my appetite,

Laugh? And that's when it hit me. I felt so ashamed that it had taken me this long.

Me with the best cardio in the business to realize I wasn't the only one running from something.

- We made this wallet together out of Duct Tape.

Take away a man's son, you've truly given him nothing left to lose.

- I haven't cried like that since Titanic.

A hint? Why don't you exhale slowly,

then squeeze the trigger.

- Don't make me drink alone. - Okay.

-It 1997, "Gor Gorgeous"

- I never took French.

Gorgeus day what the hell?

- It's a 97? - Yeah.

- Was that a good year? - Oh my God.

It was a great year, are you kidding me?, I saw my first R- rated movie that year.

Anaconda. - Oh, Anaconda.

- First tattoo, a purpoise.

- Really? - Fake.

- First kiss.

Scotty Lynch

- Did you guys.. use tongue?

- Maybe.

- Are you jealous of Scotty Lynch? - Yes, I am.

- Actually I think I'm jealous of your whole 1997.

- Let's see mine.

First orthodontist. The bastard gave me head gear.

- I got my first B. - Oh no.

- Frightening, as Anaconda

Woodshop, which doesn't really count as a class anyway.

Had my first school dance.

I was Sadie Hawkins..

girls choice.

- What nobody picked you?

- Iz was girls choice.

- Those bitches! - I know.

No, I will not stand for this, you know what?

On behalf of all the eight-grade girls,

I would like you to make it up to you.

Relax, Scotty's old news.

I don't even know your name, but this is actually really nice.

-You know? Between you, me and

You're actually kind of cute.

- You think so?

- I mean you got the guts of a guppy, but

I could hit that.

- Really?

- I'll at least give you the intentional walk to first.

- Hey little help movin' a couch.

We're making a fort.

- That was probably for the best, cause

I like you, Columbus,

but my sister and I are going to do whatever it takes to survive so..

I was hoping Wichita was just playing hard to get,

but I realized that she had more trust issues than I did.

When I woke up the next day and she was leaving.

- You are like a giant cock-blocking robot,

developed in a secret fucking government lab.

- I can't believe I almost kissed him. What's our rule?

- Trust no one, just you and me. - Just you and me.

- Yeah, you and me.

- You have just survived the zombie apocalypse and drove halfway across the country.

- Where are you gonna go? - I'm going to Pacific Playland. Woo.

Open Sesame.

This is the problem with getting attached to someone.

When they leave you just feel lost.

Having Tallahassee around didn't comfort me, it just made me feel more alone.

- Hey, you weren't exactly gonna score anyway.

- You weren't storming' the trenches before I came along.

That's why I don't let people close, you only get burned.

- You don't say.

Mexico, you know what they call Twinkies in Mexico? Los Submerinos.

That's where I'm headed amigo.

- Whatever.

- I'm going after Wichita.

- You ever read that book "She's just not that into you"?

- You can't make yourself too available. - I don't care, alright I wanna be with her.

Have fun in Mexico.

Come on! Hurry!

- Get in!

- Come on, come on!

- Come on, come on!

- On the count of three. One, two, three.

Are you okay? Come on.

Hurry, get up.

- Come on, let's go.

- There!

- That's the worst goodbye I have ever heard and you stole it from a movie.

- Tell the ladies I said hey.

- You know there are pictures of her in someones wallet too.

- Hop in the car Evel Knievel. Let's go ride the roller coaster.

- Thanks.

- Go!

- Not as fun as I remember.

- Shoot the control box.

- Columbus. - Tallahassee.

- I think they might actually require our hard assistance this time.

- Buckle up. - Yup, I'm wide ahead of you.

Time to nut up or shut up.

Holy shit.

My mama always told me, someday I'll be good at something.

Who'd have guessed that something'd be zombie killin'.

- Probably nobody.

- Look!

- We better start working on our apology.

- Up here!

-Oh my God!

- They're up there, they're okay.

- What are you waiting for? - It's your gal.

- Come on! - Come get a piece of Tallahassee!

- Anybody hungry?

Tallahassee-nice over here.

Come on, come on you ugly bastards.

- Holy Shit!

- Holy Shit!

- Shit, I'm out of shells.

- Here we go.

- Wichita! Little Rock!

Oh my God.

Look at this fucking clown.

Of course, it had to be a clown.

No, it had to be a clown.

And it had to be Wichita for me to finally understand

that some rules are made to be broken.

Time to nut up or shut up.

Fuck this clown.

- Thanks.

Wichita

- Christa.

- Ok, we should probably head out, now.

- Finally he got to first base.

Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck.

- Where is [Tallahassee]

- I have a little hunch.

Where are you you spongy yellow delicious bastards? Where are you?

- False advertising! - Jesus Christ.

- You want a Sno-Ball or something?

- Oh God!

Words cannot express..

- It's too soon.

- Do you think you can, maybe, just pick out the Buckshot and just kind of eat around it?

- No!

No!

- No!

That face. That's me realizing that those smart girls

in that big black truck

and that big guy in that snakeskin jacket

they were the closest to something I had always wanted, but never really had.

A family.

I trusted them and they trusted me.

Rule #32: Enjoy The Little Things.

Tallahassee got his Twinkie

and even though life will never be simple or innocent again,

as he savored that spongy yellow log of cream,

we had hope, we had each other.

And without other people, you might swell be a zombie.

- Thank you so much - You had us going.

So until next time remember:

Cardio, seat belts

and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody.

I'm Columbus, Ohio, from Zombieland saying: Good night.