Why're You Hitting Yourself?

(Adult Adam) Back in the '80s, before the lnternet, there weren't as many ways to find love.

If you were lucky, you might get on "the dating game."

If you were really lucky, you'd run into Beverly goldberg.

I've got the perfect man for you, Inez.

His name's Tony. He's 53, non-smoker, works for the city, and he is literally the most handsome man I've ever seen.

No, I don't know how fast I was going, but you know what I do know? No wedding ring.

Have I got someone for you.

Her name is Delia. She's 34 years old, real outdoorsy just like you, and she is literally the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

(Mouth full) I am telling you, he is literally the most handsome man I've ever seen.

(Chuckles)

Is lucky interested in having puppies?

'Cause I know a springer spaniel.

Literally the cutest dog I've ever seen.

My mom was eharmony, jdate, and grindr all rolled into one.

She could match up anyone.

Well, almost anyone.

Good morning!

Wow, dad, don't you look dapper?

Big date tonight?

Actually, I just finished my date from last night.

Was this the aerobics instructor?

The antiques dealer.

No.

This was the manager from coco's.

I ordered the steak, she ordered the me.

Here we go.

Kids, you know the drill. Give us the room.

Come on. This is pure gold. I gotta get this on tape.

You stay, Murray.

I stay.

Please help me talk some sense into this man.

Mom's been gone for ten years.

He's dated at least five different women a week.

That's over 2,000 women.

You're saying something that's good, but you're saying it like it's bad.

I just think maybe it's time you found someone special.

Maybe someone who doesn't wear a tube top to work.

Hey, what's-her-name was plenty special.

What was her name? Um... Tawny? Tammy?

Taffy? Ta... is Taffy a name?

Just give me a chance, dad.

I can help you find the perfect woman.

I have a gift. Tell him, Murray.

She has a gift, this one.

Fact... 16 of my setups led to marriage, which resulted in 37 children.

I did that. I created life.

She's like God.

Trust me, dad. I know what's best for you.

She knows what's best.

The hell she does.

Bevy, you just can't help yourself.

You have to mix in.

I'm not mixing in.

I'm just trying to tell you what to do, even though you don't want me to.

Just do her thing.

Murray, you're really not helping me right now.

Will you please just give him your honest opinion about how you feel about this?

You want my honest opinion?

Mm-hmm.

Well... (Sighs)

I think he's doing great on his own.

Get out.

Good-bye.

Please, dad, let me find you just one woman.

You could even write down what you want, and I'll find it. I'm that good.

No one's that good.

Try me.

Fine.

One date, but nothing serious.

I think you're really gonna love being set up by your daughter.

See? Now you're saying something that's bad, but you're saying it like it's good.

You're very confusing today.

(I fight dragons)

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪ ♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪ ♪ I don't know the future ♪ ♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was October 12, 1980-something.

Every day after school, I had a tradition with my big sis Erica... "General hospital."

It was more than a soap opera. It was an obsession.

God, I hate Luke.

Me, too.

But I'm drawn to his danger.

Who isn't?

Erica loved watching her stories, and I got sucked in, too.

Mostly 'cause the alternative was this...

(Slapping)

(Barry) Why are you hitting yourself?

Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? (Panting)

Huh? What'd your face ever do to you?

Get off me, Barry!

Say "I love it when Barry whoops my ass."

I'm not gonna say it. Say it!

I'm not gonna say it. Say it!

I love it when Barry whoops my ass.

Oh! Really? Then I'm-a keep on going!

(Slapping) Aw, man.

This was what quality time looked like with my brother Barry...

Until the day that changed everything.

Erica? It's starting. Hurry up!

Get out.

You get out. "General hospital's" on.

Lame.

Your puppet show's any better?

He's not a puppet. He's alf.

He eats cats and says what he thinks.

Hey, you taped it. You can watch it later.

Hey, don't touch it! I was here first!

Give me this!

Erica, get down here!

(Buttons clicking, program playing)

Come here.

Dude! Stop!

Don't move.

(Instrumental music playing)

Do you see what I see?

I see it.

Back in the day, finding naughty adult stuff was impossible.

But somehow, we hit the right combo of buttons on our cable box and stumbled upon a scrambled channel we didn't pay for.

(Women giggling) Boobs.

I see scrambled boobs.

Okay. (Presses button)

Who's ready to check into "general hospital"?

Um, I think I'm gonna watch "alf" with Barry instead.

"Alf"? What about Luke and Laura?

He said he's not interested! Now leave us be.

What the hell is going on?

Is Barry forcing you to be here?

No, I'm here by choice.

(Whispering) If you're in trouble, blink.

Whatever.

Guess I'll just watch it in my room.

(TV playing indistinctly)

No!

(Pounds TV) No!

No! It's gone! What happened?

Calm down. We just gotta retrace our steps.

Okay.

So, yeah, you go back there. Okay, so I grabbed it... And then I came in...

I came in hard, though. Yeah.

And then we shook it about.

We were clicking, you were tugging with it.

(Buttons clicking, various programs playing)

(Muttering) "Uh, Erica, get down here."

Bang, bang. Oh... oh, there! We got it!

(Breathing heavily) Good job, kid.

It was the first thing Barry and I ever bonded over.

I could stay like this forever. Agreed? (Women giggling)

Agreed.

For once in our lives, we were on the same channel.

All right. Your perfect woman.

Ooh, here we go.

Tell me everything.

All right. For start...

I think she should be at least 5'2", with kind eyes, and age-appropriate but spry.

Whoa, whoa.

Don't I tell you what i want here?

Of course. (Mouths words)

You're gonna want someone with a great sense of humor.

Not someone who steals the show, but she should be sweet and cute and have a tush like two scoops of vanilla ice cream.

Dad!

Could be chocolate.

Are you gonna take this seriously?

I'm trying to, but you're not letting me.

Fine. Tell me what you want.

All right.

She should be... dangerous, alluring, and smart.

Like, really smart. Mensa smart.

But when it comes to making sensible decisions, she should be kinda dumb.

Smart but dumb?

So dumb.

And she should have a slender dancer's body and be bendy like a Chinese acrobat.

Bendy. You know what would be nice?

Carly Simon's lips.

Put it down. Carly Simon lips.

I'm sorry. Are you involved in this?

You said to give him my honest opinion.

That's what I'm doing.

How's about this?

Long hair, like a mermaid.

Boom! Write it up.

She should be exotic, but not too exotic.

A Latin flavor, but it should be impossible to know exactly where she comes from.

Impossible!

And we're done.

If this is really the type of woman you want, then, damn it, I'm gonna find it.

I really wanna meet this woman.

(Lowered voice) Can you imagine?

(Shouts) Marriage is nice, too!

For the next five days, my mom focused on her biggest matchmaking challenge yet...

Finding pops the perfect woman.

72 years old? Are you kidding me with this?

(Lid clatters)

Well, I don't care how good her wig looks, Ruth applebaum.

Don't you call me back until you've got a real lead. (Lid opens, clatters)

Stop lurking.

We're having frozen pizza for dinner.

Go pop one in the oven. Frozen pizza?

That's the second time this week.

Just know, six is my limit.

I'm not stopping till I find my father the perfect woman.

Bevy, you do realize that your dad's just giving you busy work to keep you off his back, right?

I know that. Do you think I'm really looking for a smart but dumb Chinese acrobat?

I hope so.

My father has given me the opportunity to find him his dream woman, so I'm gonna find him my dream woman.

Why? He's having a blast.

Is he really happy?

Very happy! Happiest person I've ever seen.

I know what's best for my father, and it's more than likely one of these 16 lovely ladies.

Turns out, my mom cast a wide net.

(Phone dialing) How about that?

She was studying to be a cosmonaut.

You don't see that every day.

Barry and I spent the next three days staring at the boob tube.

And while the quality time was nice, it came with a price.

(Women giggling) I've had this migraine that won't go away.

Seriously? Me, too.

Maybe squinting at the TV for hours at a time just isn't so good for our brains.

I fell down at school today.

I had a scrambled dream last night.

(Giggling continues)

Maybe we should take a break.

Are you insane?

We gotta take this to the next level, bro.

How?

I know this dude who knows this other dude who went up to the roof and got every channel by jamming a pair of tweezers into the antenna thingy.

It sounds like a great idea!

So it's settled. Next time we're home alone, you'll go up to the roof, and I'll stay down here and see if it works.

Why do I have to go?

'Cause you have tiny little fingers that make it easy to get into places and poke at live electrical wires.

You're making a lot of sense today.

Listen. No matter what happens, we gotta keep this quiet and not attract any attention.

Agreed.

What's happening? What's going on here?

What? Nothing.

Can't two best bros do a wolf puzzle in peace?

You guys broke something, you killed somebody...

Something's going on.

Off to our big double date. (Chuckles)

Burned through $100 in international phone calls, but I found pops a perfect dream woman, so wish me luck.

I mean, wish pops luck. Not that he needs any luck.

He's always getting lucky. Not like that.

(Giggles) I've had some iced wine.

I'm excited! How's my hair?

Hey, dad.

Uh... do me a favor.

Watch the morons tonight.

What do I get out of it?

Your dad's gratitude.

So nothing?

20 bucks.

Love you, daddy.

Okay.

(Singsongy) Okay!

Have fun, boys! (Kisses)

(Normal voice) Be safe.

Oh, we will.

Safety first.

(Walkie-talkie blips)

Falcon has eyes on the target.

I repeat...

(Breathing heavily) Falcon is closing in.

Whoa, wait. I wanted to be falcon. (Blips)

Fine.

Golden eagle is on the move.

Oh, man, that's way better. I'm that!

Just pick a name!

Fine!

I'm golden falcon... shark. Over.

(Blips) 10-4.

Whoa! (Gasps)

I'm okay. I'm okay.

It's kind of steep up here. Over.

Be careful. I love you.

I mean... never mind. Over.

It's okay. It's out there now.

I love you, too.

Whatever.

Over? (Walkie-talkie blips)

All right.

I-I'm tweezing the antenna thing.

See anything?

(Clicking)

No. Still scrambled.

Try jamming your tweezer in there as hard as you can.

Okay.

How about now?!

(Screams and grunts)

(Thuds)

Still getting nothing.

(Taps TV) Tweeze harder.

(Buttons clicking)

As our plan was going up in flames, pops' night was about to be smoking hot.

My mom had searched every tennis club, country club, and book club in the tri-state area, and tracked down pops' dream woman.

Sophia. Mwah! I'm so sorry.

My dad's running late, but this is my husband Murray.

(Foreign accent) It's a pleasure to meet you.

You, too. So, uh, are you from around here?

No. No small talk. We'll, uh...

We'll cover all that when my dad gets here.

All right.

Okay.

Well, I guess a little small talk is okay.

Do you like sangria?

I love it.

I'm gonna order some sangria.

Okay.

I love sangria. Oh. Okay.

Two sangrias, please? Sure.

I'd love a sangria. Okay.

Three sangrias. (Lowered voice) I'm sorry.

Beverly goldberg?

Yes.

There's a phone call for you.

Oh. (Chuckles) Must be my dad.

I'll be back in a jiff. (Giggles)

Don't forget the sangrias.

Thanks.

Hello?

Hey, honey, uh, I'm afraid I'm not gonna be able to make it tonight.

I'm feeling a little under the weather.

Dad, you promised.

Down some aspirin and get over here.

(Forced coughing) I think it's better I stay home tonight.

(Jazz music playing)

What's that?

♪

Oh, uh, uh, I threw on a record.

You know me. Jazz is my medicine.

Are you at Dexter's?

No! Don't be ridiculous!

Please give a warm Dexter's welcome to the shorty flanders trio! (Applause)

Dad, we had a deal! Don't you dare stand me up!

Sweetie, it's not you, it's me.

Don't you give me one of your lines.

I'd better get to bed.

I-I have an early meeting in the morning.

A meeting? You're retired 20 years.

(Line clicks) Hello?

Hello?

Are you single?

I know the most handsome attorney.

(Erica) Are you crazy?

Why the hell were you on the roof?

Roof? Who was on the roof?

No one fell off the roof.

I fell off nothing onto nothing.

Enough, okay? Someone better start talking right now.

Listen. I know dad is paying you 20 bucks to watch us.

I have something even better to make you look the other way.

A library card?

Walk away.

Okay, you two have been acting like best friends...

All week, and it's creeping me out, so tell me what the hell is going on.

Even if we had something to hide, which we don't...

We don't.

We'd never rat each other out. Never.

Never.

Hyah!

Hyah!

What the hell was that?

You have a coordinated handshake now?

That's what brothers do.

It's a bond even you can't break.

Fine. Then I'll just tell mom.

Okay, it was Adam's idea, okay?

He was the one who found the naked channel in the first place, then he got greedy and wanted more, so he went to the roof. It was all him!

Are you kidding me?!

Don't drag me down with you, perv!

You got problems, man! You got serious problems!

Son of a... -I was furious my brother sold me out so easily, and I'd let him know with a swift punch to the arm.

(Punch echoes)

Or not. It was a total accident, but, oh, that didn't matter.

Never once had we punched face.

A threshold had been crossed, and there was no going back now.

You punched my face?

It was an accident! I was aiming for your arm.

Come on, golden falcon shark.

It's me. We have the brother bond, right?

(Pants and chuckles nervously)

I'm gonna punch your face so hard!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Yes, yes, yes.

While I was on the run, pops was just getting settled for the night.

(Clinking)

(Giggling)

Mmm.

Ahh. Muy bueno. (Women giggle)

Okay. Fun's over. You have a date to keep.

Ooh. This is some real bad timing.

See, I'm already on a date. Uh, two, actually.

Stella and Lucy.

Sandra.

Lorraine.

Well, whoever you are, please excuse us.

I gotta start bringing some nametags.

Do you know how much time it took me to find you an amazing woman for tonight?

Well, I found two so-so women in no time.

Stop working so hard.

Forget it.

If you want to waste your time with women half your age in a pit that smells like a shoe, have at it.

Oh, don't be like that.

It's just a date. There'll be others.

No, there won't be.

Sophia was perfect, and you blew it.

All I wanted was to find you someone who will love you and make you happy.

Yeah, well, that's not what i want.

Why not?

Because I already had that with your mother.

Go home, bev, please.

Come on, Adam! You can't hide forever.

Can't you please just forget this ever happened?

No! You've broken the unspoken agreement.

We do not punch face.

You never told me that!

It was unspoken!

But the line has been crossed, and there's no going back!

Starting now, it's all face punches, all the time!

Adam, come out. He's not gonna punch you in the face.

(Lowered voice) Nice. You lure him out, and I'll cold-cock him in the eyeball.

I heard that!

Okay, you got me. I give up.

(Lowered voice) You'll go downstairs with him.

I'll jump out and...

I still hear you!

Just open the door. Trust me, Barry doesn't have the guts to punch you in the eyeball.

(Normal voice) I do, too, have the guts.

I'm, like, 90% gut.

(Door opens)

Fine. The unspoken rule has been broken.

(Sighs)

Do what you have to do.

Yes.

Here it comes. Brace your face.

Here comes the hammer.

It's punch time!

Damn it. Told you.

(Exhales) So...

Do you wanna watch scrambled girls?

Nah.

Kinda over it.

Yeah, me, too. (Sighs)

For the record, it wasn't just about the boobs for me.

(Exhales)

It was just cool hanging out with you.

Had its moments.

From that moment on, there was something different between us.

I went from Barry's annoying little brother... (TV playing indistinctly)

To his friend. (Both laugh)

Then I'll see you in a few days.

(Laughter)

("Let my love open the door" by Pete townshend playing)

Hey, sweetie.

Everyone alive?

Yeah.

Uh, nothing crazy to report.

(Sighs)

♪ When people keep repeating ♪

(laughing)

♪ that you'll never fall in love ♪ ♪ when everybody keeps retreating ♪ ♪ but you can't seem to get enough ♪

Hey.

♪ Let my love open the door mind if I hang out for a bit?

What happened to your date?

Eh, wasn't feeling it.

Look.

I know you worked hard to find someone for me, and I'm sorry I bailed.

I'm sorry, too.

You were right. I always mix in, and I think I know what's best for everyone.

But I mean well.

And that's the only thing that makes it okay, honey.

(Chuckles)

It makes sense now why you never get serious with anyone.

They're just... not mom.

She was one of a kind.

(Exhales) Yeah, she was.

♪ To your heart ♪ ♪ let my love open the door I just wanted you to have someone you loved to make new memories with.

That's what you guys are for.

♪ To your heart ♪ ♪ my love open the door well, just promise me you won't close yourself off forever.

Okay.

But you promise me no more setups.

Deal.

♪ Let my love open the door...

But when it came to matchmaking, my mom couldn't help herself.

♪ Let my love open the door...

My God, what a coincidence. It's Sophia. (Sighs)

You are unbelievable.

Although she does have carly Simon lips.

Am I good, or what?

Not bad.

I'm probably gonna need to cancel my morning meeting.

♪ Open the door ♪ ♪ to your heart...

While my mom found pops a new connection, Barry and I went back to our old routine, although now there was a little more respect.

Huh?

My glasses!

Oh.

Yeah.

Why are you hitting yourself?

Uhh!

Why are you hitting yourself?

Aah!

(Grunting and laughter)

Ow!

(Grunts) (Bell dings)

(Grunting) Ow! Aah!

My perfect girl?

Well, she should have big blue eyes, and big blonde hair.

Mmm, she sounds fun.

She shouldn't be afraid to speak her mind, you know?

I mean, she should have a sensitive side, but still be a hard-ass.

Oh! Sit up straight, honey.

And I want her to take care of me.

Cook, pick up my stuff, make me hot pockets. Mm.

(Mouth full) By the way, thank you for the hot pocket.

All right, and I'm on the case for my sweet, handsome, delicious boy.

(Chuckles and kisses) Mwah!

You know you just described mom.

(Normal voice) What? I did n... oh, my God!

Mom! I meant a brunette who doesn't cook at all!

And she's gotta be super shy and not related to me at all!