The Goonies Transcript

Ernie: [humming but notices the audience]  Hi there everybody! Welcome to the movie! Hey, we're so glad you came! Now this movie... [Bert comes in, with a slower headress and a towel]

Bert: Ernie! Listen. Ernie. I'm going to take a slower. Have you seen my anti-bacterial soap?

Ernie: Uh, no Bert I haven't

Bert: Oh. [Ernie come back to us]

Ernie: Now, this movie you're about to see is all about, The Goonies.

Bert: Who are you talking to?

Ernie: The audience, Bert. They're right here.

Bert: Huh?

Ernie: See?

Bert: [gasps] Wow! Look at all those people! Hey, nice cardigan. [laughs with Ernie]

Ernie: Now, in this movie, The Goonies is going to ask for your help. He wants you to talk and want self.

Bert: Uh, how do we start?

Ernie: It's easy. Just count backwards from 10.

Bert: OK!

Ernie: You see, Bert. That's how you start a movie, Bert.

Bert: Oh!

Ernie: Can you all help us count backwards from ten?

People in audience: Yeah!

Ernie: Ready? Yell real loud! [A countdown, looking similar to the classic SMPTE film leader comes on]

Ernie, Bert, People in audience: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! [The background turns into a black]

Ernie: Do you think you going to put some clothes on now?

Bert: What? [He notices, and screams. He runs away]

Ernie: Enjoy the movie, everybody. [The title comes on. The camera goes to The Goonies apartment a jail guard unlocks a cell block to call the inmates lunch.]

Guard: Lunch time. Inmates exit their cells and are murmuring amongst themselves.

Guard: The longer you animals bark the colder your lunch gets. Come on, move it out! (Looks toward the last occupied cell) You too down there. (Walks down the cellblock) Hey turley...

Brand: Oh, It's Mouth.

Brand walks away from the door. He douches in an armchair, stretching a spring-type chest exerciser. Mikey opens the screen door to let Mouth in.

Mouth: Hey, Meekey. Yo, Mikey. Eh, Mikey, seen Adrian? Hey guys, what's going down? (Puts his foot on the coffee table)

Brand: Get your foot off the table, Mouth.

Ernie: Don't worry Bert. That's just the way to get to chunk.

Mouth: ...I want the Fettucini Alfredo...a bottle of Fettucini, a 1981.

(Kisses his thumb and forefinger like a gourmet)

Mama Fratelli grabs him and holds him fast in a headlock, forcing his mouth open by pinching his cheeks.

Mama F: The only thing we serve is tongue.

She pops open a switchblade in her other hand. The other three boy.

Bert: Stop the movie! Stop the movie! [the film pauses]

Bert: Did you see Mama Fratelli did? He took the Restaurant! I can't look.

Ernie: (to Bert) Don't worry, Bert. It'll be okay. (to the audience) Right, everybody? 'cause we know Three Boys won't give up until he take here sitting on the table. Roll film! [the film resumes] Let's watch Bert.

Data: You alright, Chunk? Hey guys...

Chunk: I know.

Mikey: I know, "Stay to the right. " Thank you.

Jake: Here. We're leaving. I brought you some more food.

Francis: Is that too tight?

Chunk: Yes, it is.

Francis: If you let yourself out, I'll break your legs.

Jake: What are you doing? How many times I gotta tell you? You sit too close to the television set you're gonna screw up your erima, alright?

(Moves the television set back a bit. The "It" angrily shouts at him).

Francis: Jake! Leave him alone!

Jake: I had nothing on him.

Francis: Hare Krishna...Hare Krishna...Hare Krishna... Jake and Francis walk out, leaving Chunk alone with the "It".

Bert: Stop the movie again!

Mouth: Yeah, you're going to the men's room. End of Act III.

Ernie: See Bert? Just like I told you, got his adventure.

Bert: Yeah, and it's a happy ending.

Ernie: (to the audience) Yeah, and thank you all for helping.

Bert: Oh yeah, you deserve a big round of applause.

Ernie: Yeah, yeah, everybody clap for yourselves, come on!

(Ernie and Bert clap. The people in the audience cheer.)

Bert: You were GREAT!

​​​Ernie: Okay, Bert, time to go home. [If watching in 1.33:1 full screen, black bars appear. The top one descends as the bottom one ascends making the picture the usual 1.85:1 widescreen format.]

Bert: Yeah, and I knew everything would be okay.

Ernie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bert: I knew The Goonies would get his adventure

Ernie: Yep.

Bert: And I knew there's be a happy ending

Ernie: Of course, Bert.

Bert: (to the audience) See ya! [turns to leave, but then notices that the end credits are starting] Ok, look, look, look! Ernie! credits! OH! I wanna see who did the catering. Yeah, that was really good toast, you know, they cut off the crusts and everything.

Ernie: Uh, Bert, time to feed your pigeons

​Bert: Oh, yea, thank you. Bernice! [leaves]

Ernie: (to the audience) Bye-bye. [snickers, then leave, ending the film]