Garage Sale (That '70s Show)

The Basement

JACKIE: Okay Michael I want you to take me to the movies today

KELSO: Yeah I hear you Jackie, 2:00 Smokey and the Bandit

JACKIE: No, no, no, no I told you I don’t wanna see that again, I don’t like the south

DONNA: (to Eric) you wanna see the Goodbye Girl?

ERIC: Well I would but it has two basic flaws, no Smokey and no Bandit

KELSO: Yeah plus isn’t the Goodbye Girl like a girl movie HYDE: You moron a girl movie is a make out movie

KELSO: Well then I am in

FEZ: Me too I will come and watch Red and Kitty walk in

KITTY: Okay T minus one hour till the garage sale, Oh I feel like an astronaut. Oh red remember how bad Eric wanted these roller skates? Oh the Yo-yo, ohhhh your plastic vomit, I fell for that.

RED: Yeah you wasted a lot of my money son.

ERIC: Me and my damn childhood.

HYDE: You know Mrs. Forman I feel real bad, I mean you letting me stay here and everything. I wish I had something to contribute to your garage sale

KITTY: Oh Steven your loving smile is contribution enough

RED: No it’s not (hands Hyde a box) run that upstairs

HYDE: You heard him Kelso move it. (Throws the box at Kelso)

ERIC: Hey uh dad Donna and I were gonna go see the Goodbye Girl

RED: Yeah, well I am sure it’s a great movie Eric but your gonna be helping with the garage sale support

ERIC: Oh right we’re having the garage sale because you lost your job, I mean because of all the clutter.

RED: Everybody needs to work Eric the gravy train has made its last stop

ERIC: Okay there was a gravy train?

RED: Yup and you missed it.

KITTY: Oh Steven I have a great idea you could sell lemonade

HYDE: Mrs. Forman I’ve thrown a lot of rocks at kids with lemonade stands lord knows I hate a hypocrite

KITTY: You could have a little bake sale

HYDE: I pretty much beat any kid selling anything

KITTY: Steven you could just do a little table with some cookies and some brownies

HYDE: I am not much of (pauses) brownies; I could make brownies because people love brownies

ERIC: No they don’t

HYDE: Oh they love my brownies

Credits run

Forman Kitchen

KITTY: Oh Steven you are such a joy to have around the house I can’t believe your mother abandoned you, I mean went on such a long trip

KELSO: Boy I sure do like brownies, Hey you know what’s got two thumbs and really likes brownies? This guy (points at himself with both thumbs)

ERIC: Hyde oh come on I am asking you not to make these brownies, I mean my mom and dad are way too fat

HYDE: Nice cover

KITTY: You know what Eric you just leave him alone this is Stevens’s contribution to our garage sale and I happen to know that you put the special ingredient in these brownies.

ERIC: I told him not too

HYDE: Special ingredient?

KITTY: Yes, love

HYDE: Oh yeah there’s a whole big bag of love in there

LAURIE: mom crazy Helen from across the street is switching price tags and dad says he’s gonna kick her in the keester

KITTY: Oh no he’ll do it too

LAURIE: Hi Kelso, oh look its chocolate batter I sure do wish I could finish all this chocolate batter on my finger but I just can’t, guess I can bye

KELSO: Man I was so close

ERIC: Hyde god you can’t make special brownies in my parent’s kitchen

HYDE: Oh no I already made em if only you had warned me sooner

ERIC: Come man I’m serious

HYDE: Look Forman relax man okay yeah I am making special brownies but I am also making regular brownies for the straight folks or losers

KELSO: Yeah someday in gonna own a restaurant and everything is gonna be special and then when people ask me and they say “hey Kelso what’s the special” I’m gonna say everything!

Forman Driveway

DONNA: I can’t believe you’d rather stay here than go see a movie with me ERIC: Oh believe me Donna Id love to go but Red said I cant and well he can kick my ass so.

DONNA: Eric I can kick your ass

ERIC: Oh yeah DONNA: hmm

ERIC: Let’s go

DONNA: Let’s go, come on bring it on (they start fighting, more like flirting) (Fez grabs Donna and starts wrestling her)

ERIC: Man, what are you doing?

FEZ: I’m lonely

LAURIE: Okay daddy I’ve rounded out some things to help the family in these trying times

RED: Yeah you see Eric your sister’s a team player

ERIC: No these are all my things

LAURIE: Grow up Eric they’re GI Joes

ERIC: Yeah GI Joes with Kung-fu grip, what a Bitch….a roonie doonie

HYDE : (to a guy that is at the garage sale) Do you now or have you ever had any association with the Point Place police department? Alright here’s your brownie, you got about thirty minutes to get some place safe.

MIDGE: Kitty, I noticed you’re selling the kissing dolphins Bob and I bought you.

KITTY: You know what is that doing on this table? Red I told you not to sell that, give it to me I’ll just I’ll run it right back into the house.

BOB: Oh and Red your also selling that pocket fisherman we gave you for Christmas. Don’t you wanna run that back into the house too?

RED: No Bob that was a really dumb gift.

DONNA: Okay so the Goodbye Girl starts at two so I’d better go.

FEZ: (to Eric) Well I guess this is goodbye, girl.

JACKIE: Fez you’re so funny Fez sees Jackie laughing in a really sexy way

FEZ: (in his head) Well hello Jackie

At the movie theater, Jackie is eating popcorn from the bucket on Fez’ lap

FEZ: (in his head) did you see that Fez? Yes you did, she may be taking my popcorn but she knows there is more in my lap than that. She wants you old boy now’s your chance be smooth, think Ricardo Montelbone just turn, lock eyes and go, (turns and kisses Jackie)

JACKIE: Wait, wait Fez what are you doing?

DONNA: Oh my god

KELSO: you’re a dead man (turns to punch Fez)

FEZ: Could I have avoided this? Lets review, first Jackie said I was funny, next she ate popcorn from my groin, then I sucked her face nope, it was meant to be.

The Basement

HYDE: Forman this doesn’t make any sense I am out of brownies but I should have more money

ERIC: Hyde that’s dirty money there’s never enough

HYDE: No man it’s like I lost an entire tray of brownies

ERIC: Wait what kind of brownies did you lose Hyde were they regular brownies?

HYDE: They were special brownies

ERIC: Where was the last place you had them

HYDE: In the oven

ERIC: In my mother’s oven They both run upstairs

Forman Kitchen

Bob, Midge, Red and Kitty have eaten the brownies

KITTY: Oh now see Steven your brownies they were a big hit!

The Circle

RED: (eating a brownie) you know I am glad the plant is closing it frees me up to do my own thing

KITTY: (laughing) you said do my own thing

MIDGE: Oh Red your own thing that’s so hip

BOB: I love salt

RED: I like that word hip it kinda pops you know, hip, hip, hip I can see my own mouth

KITTY: You know what’s beautiful, fruitcake. All the different colored fruits living together in one cake.

MIDGE: I jumped out of a cake once

BOB: I also like sweet but there’s just something about salt

RED: Hip, it starts to lose its meaning after a while you know hip it’s not even a word There is knocking

KITTY: Oh my god, listen you can hear my heart, oh my god there it is again

MIDGE: No that someone at the door BOB: Maybe it’s the cops

RED: It’s just someone for the garage sale. Take whatever you want it won’t fill the hole in your life. Well I’ll see who it is

KITTY: You know for a terrible grouch Red Is great in bed

MIDGE: (starts laughing) I’m sorry what?

RED: (singing) Hip pity Hop pity Easter's on its way

KITTY: Where did you go Red?

RED: Well I hoping down the old bunny trail and this guy offered me two hundred dollars for the Vista Cruiser, so I sold it to him

KITTY: You sold Eric’s car? Oh no (she starts laughing)

Forman Kitchen

ERIC: Dad you sold my car? How could you? Just what in the hell were you thinking?

RED: I thought I was helping because you’re always saying how you need money.

ERIC: For gas, for the car

HYDE: Don’t yell at him, but to be honest we’re a little disappointed

ERIC: I’m not gonna run anymore errands for you pal

HYDE: You should have checked with us first Red

ERIC: You know how many times I rotated those tires?

HYDE: You’re not supposed to take things that aren’t yours

ERIC: I had stuff in the back seat, now that’s all just gone mister

HYDE: Forman its okay

ERIC: No it’s not okay

HYDE: Look Red who did you sell the car too?

RED: I sold it to a guy named Peter, Peter Cottontail (starts singing) Hopping down the bunny field hip pity hop pity Easters on its way.

Front Steps

JACKIE: In a way I don’t blame Fez I am very appealing.

DONNA: I just can’t believe he kissed you that’s…

JACKIE: Donna I have to confess something, it wasn’t terrible

DONNA: How not terrible?

JACKIE: It was the best kiss of my life, I mean Fez is totally not an option cause he’s foreign and everything but Michael has never kissed me like that.

DONNA: What was so good about it?

JACKIE: You know when Fez talks he sometimes rolls his r’s?

DONNA: Yeah.

JACKIE: Well that’s what he did in my mouth.

DONNA: Really? That actually sounds kinda cool.

JACKIE: I know.

DONNA: I mean don’t get me wrong you know Eric he’s a great kisser and everything but he’s never like rolled anything.

JACKIE: Oh I just love kissing don’t you Donna?

DONNA: I am gonna go find Eric

The Basement

DONNA: Eric I was just talking to Jackie and…

ERIC: (interrupting) Donna not now okay. See Hyde I asked you not to make special brownies but did you listen?

HYDE: Well

ERIC: Exactly, You didn’t, you were just so smart. What were you thinking?

HYDE: I was..

ERIC: (interrupting again) Yeah that’s it right that’s the problem you weren’t thinking now my folks are fried and I got no car.

DONNA: Wait minute, brownies your mom and dad are...

ERIC: Donna keep it zipped okay... Guess what buddy there’s a lesson in all of this. You know what that lesson is?

HYDE: The lesson is…

ERIC: Hyde why don’t I just tell you what the lesson is? You dance with Mary Jane you get your toes stepped on that’s right consequences my friend yeah consequences now my cars gone and reds high as a kite.

DONNA: Okay miss smart mouth shut it

RED: (from the stairs) I remembered who I sold the car too

HYDE: Who?

RED: I don’t know but I remembered.

HYDE: Wait Red, Red think.

RED: Wait, maybe his name is on that check he gave me

HYDE: Yeah maybe it is Donna Starts laughing at Eric

ERIC: Your parents had the brownies too. (Donna runs upstairs)

The Basement

KELSO: Well if it isn’t Fez. (Starts to imitate Fez) I am Fez in my country we mae out with our friends girlfriend because la did a.

FEZ: Oh Kelso I am sorry your girlfriend gives me action in the pants.

KELSO: Oh no, she doesn’t

FEZ: Yes she does, she came up to me, and she said I was funny

KELSO: fez sometimes when a girl says you’re funny it just means that your funny

FEZ: Well I am freaking hilarious

KELSO: Jackie is like my girlfriend and we have this bond between us and nobody can come between that bond.

FEZ: I thought you wanted to fool around with Eric’s sister

KELSO: Well yeah her but that’s like that’s it.

FEZ: And you made out with Pam Macy

KELSO: Okay Fez what’s your point?

FEZ: My point is you are a whore

KELSO: okay then apology accepted

Red, Eric and Hyde in an apartment building

RED: You said that we were going for ice cream

ERIC: When we get the car back

HYDE: You know you did tell him you gonna get him ice cream

ERIC: Yeah after and your not helping. Hey put that down.

RED: Whoa that really shot out of there, sorry (Eric knocks on the door) Oh Wait listen I don’t want to do this.

ERIC: Well you have to

RED: I’ll wait in the car

ERIC: No, no red you have to learn to take responsibility for your own actions

RED: Well that's stupid A girl answers the door

GIRL: Yeah?

RED: That’s not the guy

ERIC: Did your dad buy a car this morning?

GIRL: The station wagon, yeah he bought that piece of crap for me

RED: Piece of crap? That’s a Vista Cruiser you could literally cruise the vistas.

GIRL: Daddy, where are the keys to the piece of crap?!?

ERIC: Boy she’s lovely

GIRL: Give me his check

ERIC: Right and thanks again I too understand parents can be quite (she slams the door)

RED: What a bitch a-roonie-doonie

The Basement

HYDE: so you got your car back Forman, are we cool now? ERIC: Yeah, yeah I think you learned your lesson

HYDE: Absolutely man I learned that if I do something selfish, ill advised and irresponsible I can get away with it. I rule

ERIC: No big consequences I’ll tell you Donna sometimes that guy just fills me with so( Donna leans over and kisses him) Wow you rolled your tongue.

DONNA: I know isn’t neat?

ERIC: Well I (leans over and they start making out)

THE END