Con Heir

S. A. S. A. S. A. You've got one shot. With this, it's live or die. Damn it, man! Don't you think I know that? Yes! Deputy Director Bullock. Gentlemen, we have a crucial mission. We found an Al-Qaeda cell camped out in the remote desert of Algeria. - Are they planning an attack? - No, they're just on a camping trip. Those s'mores-making bastards! We're going to infiltrate the site and take them out. It'll be tough, dangerous and a perfect chance to premiere my new cargo shorts. Excellent! Ifwe have to dress up as a camel on this mission, I call the front. Actually, Smith, you're staying behind to book our flight. - Saywhat? - Smith, per this photo, you're a family man. You're too valuable to too many people to riskyour life on this thrilling adventure. - But, sir- - Duper, lookwhat I got at Banana Republic! We're "twinsies"! And that's how I lost a testicle. Wow, Grandpa. I thought I heard every story there was about Bette Davis. Ooh! What's that? A bugaboo? Roger, you're not supposed to be in here while Grandpa's visiting. Don't worry, Gramps. I'm just a faded memory ofthe girl you kissed on V. J. Day wanderin' through to get some Cheez-Its. Hey, whileyou're in there, get me an Otter Pop. Alexander the Grape! Look, Dad. Grandpa came to visit. Oh, hey, Dad. Steve, I hopeyou Scotchgarded. We can't flip that cushion again. [ Grunting ] - Hi, honey. - Oh, Francine Bullock stuck me with another pathetic assignment. I'm in a rut. My career is going nowhere. Well, ifyou need a place to go, how about the market? Oh, and, Francine, F. Y. I. Cheese Nips are not the same as Cheez-Its. Why have a list ifyou're not gonna follow it? All the cool missions go to theyoung guys. Oh, Stan, maybeyou're just having a midlife crisis. You wanna cheat on me? A mistress on my salary, Francine? Come on! Listen, sweetheart. You have a stable job an adoring wife and a family that loves you. That makes you the richest man in the world. Oh, oh, that's fantastic, Francine. I'm the richest man in the world. Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I'm the richest guy in the world because I have an adoring wife and a loving family. - Oh, Stan, please. - Oh, hang on. That's the other line. Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I'd like to donate some of my immense riches. What's that? Children are still starving in Africa becausewife love is worthless toyou? - What an odd policy! - Okay, I get it! Francine, I don't want to be a pencil pusher. - I'm a killing machine. - Oh, sweetie, I know. Why don'tyou just talk toyour boss and tell him howyou feel? That's perfect! I'll plant a bomb in his office and then diffuse it so I can prove I've still got it. Baby, I just might have that affair after all. My God! There's a bomb in my office! Oh, my God! It's a giant bomb! - How fudge-making! - There's a bomb? - What's goin' on? - Someone brought fudge? Now, everyone watch as this family man/killing machine defuses this bomb. [ Bomb Ticking ] [Glasses Shatter] [Francine's Voice ] Open it! Open it, birthdayboy! [Stan's Voice ] What's this? - A chain foryour reading glasses. - Oh, this- this is elegant. I'll-I'll definitely wear it. I'll definitely, definitely wear it. [ Shudders ] Oh, God, we're gonna die! Fudge has been made! Mommy, help me! [ Ticking Continues ] [ Ticking Stops ] Well done, Duper! Way to save us all! - [ Cheering ] - Oh, Duper's got nail clippers. You get a free vagina with that? [ Laughs, Groans ] Come on, guys! Guess who I am! Oh, uh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I don't care. It's Gavin from my algebra class. He's always doing this. Well, you tell Gavin to pay attention. The students in China pay attention and they outnumber us four to one. The red dragon awakens. It's over. I'm washed up. I'm the Chumbawamba ofsecret agents. Mom, Dad, you better come in here! Um, um, okay, okay. Uh, dead! Lifeless! Lindsay Lohan's eyes! Stan, your father! Okay, what have we got here? Ah, beloved grandpa. Of course! God forbid I get to spice up my daywith a murdered stripper. Stan, maybe you should say a few words. Great. Thanks for landing this. I got tee time in like 20 minutes. - [CarDoorCloses ] - [Engine Starts ] - ## [Hard Rock] - [Tires Screeching] So tacos? Who wants tacos? I'm buying. Gosh, Dad, you're not even gonna say anything about your own father? - Oh, he didn't like tacos. - [HelicopterApproaching] Hello, Stan. Long time no partially see. - Oh, my God! - Stan, who is this? Just the most awesome super spy that ever lived! Francine, kids, meetJack Smith, my real dad. Saywhat? Good-looking family, Son. This is your real father? You hid this from me for 20 years? Oh, yeah, you-you didn't have a clue. Whoo. Sorry, gang, but for the last four decades I've been hip-deep in the blood of America's enemies. - So, why areyou here now? - I decided it was high time to meet the family. Wait a minute. Ifthat's our grandfather, who did we just bury? Well, let's just say he's a beloved family friend who helped me in my hour of need. Listen, I'm getting married in three hours and I need a pretend dad for the next 30 years. [ All Shouting In Spanish ] - Okay, how aboutyou? - [ Murmuring ] So forget this guy. You've got the real thing right here. Hey, chief, I broughtyou a Taliban snow globe. Shake it. That's real heroin. I don't want a heroin snow globe! I want my fake dead grandpa! [ Grunts ] I can't believeyou lied to me all theseyears! And the best part is I'm still lying toyou about a bunch of other stuff. Ah,just need a pinch offresh dill. Oh, Dad, these eggs are the best! Francine, taste these eggs. It's like Dad plucked them from the ovaries of an angel. So, you're a despicable C. I. A. fascist like my father. No, doll face. I work for the Scarlet Alliance. It's more secret, more deadly, and everyone wears a turtleneck. Sounds like a disco I used to frequent in Berlin. I did lines with Falco in the men's room. Greedy, greedy Falco. God, the Scarlet Alliance sounds so cool! I wish I was doing whatyou're doing: taking a sweet, then coming back in a blaze of glory and eggs. - Who used all my cream rinse? - [ Screams ] - [ Screams ] - What the hell areyou? Yeah, can someone tell Snake Plissken here to back off? Sorry, Dad. I should've told you we have an alien. I know it's against regulations, but, uh, I kind of owe him my life. Oh. Well, in that case, we're square. Now scare me up some bourbon, space man. God, not even a please! Treat me like a doormat, why don'tya? I'll be right back. [ Giggling ] - [DoorCreaks ] - Hello? Oh, hi. I'm Steve. This was my grandpa's apartment. Oh, I'm Gretchen. Your grandfather and I used to play bridge together. Would you like on ofhis sugar packets as a keepsake? Oh, he loved his sugar packets. Oh, he took these from I HOP! Yeah, he loved his I HOP. - Breakfast sampler, extra fruit, no bacon. - No bacon. [ Both Laughing ] [ Sighs ] I'm gonna miss him. Me too. [ Both Moaning ] -[Bedsprings Creaking] -[Stan ]Andmydadfought Communists and terrorists. And he has ajet pack anda helicopter, and I bet he could beat up a cowboy. [ Francine ] This isn't working for me, Stan. What's the problem? I was gyrati ng with the sensible rhythm of the Dave Clark Five and talking about my amazing dad. Yeah, about your amazing dad. I still can't believeyou kept this from me. - But he said not to tell. - But I'm yourwife! And he's my dad! That's nature's wife. Don'tyou get it, Francine? The whole reason I joined the C. I. A. was to be like him. What kind of man abandons his family for 20 years? Only the manliest man in theworld. Honestly, you should be having sex with him right now. He'd doyou right. You want me to go get him? I don't think he's asleep. You know, Stan, not everyone thinks he's as wonderful as you do. Jack is so wonderful. How many push-ups doyou think he can do? 'Cause I think he can do a hundred. Roger, doyou have a boy crush on my grandfather? No, of course not! Why? Did he say something about me? [ Beeping, Dings ] Well done, kiddo. Fine "killingsmanship. " Really, Dad? Gosh, thanks. Stan, it's time I told you the truth. I didn't come to town just to see my grandchildren. The fact is I'm retiring. Dad, no! You can't! So many people will be left unkilled. Ah, that's whereyou come in. I wantyou to take my place. No? Join the Scarlet Alliance? Really? I have one last mission and ifyou help me make it a success, the job is yours. - Whoo-hoo! - [ Firing Gun ] Ah, who will finish my masterpiece now? - You quit the C. I. A. ? - That's right. I have a chance to join the Scarlet Alliance! A chance? You don't even have the jobyet? - What aboutyour family? - Francine, this is my dream. My life will finally be rich with adventure. Oh, adventure. Hold on. Hello, MasterCard? Doyou accept payment in the form ofadventure? - But- - Hello, colleges? I'd like to pay my son's tuition. I don't have any money, but my husband is rich in adventure! Well, what'd they say? Okay, these are blueprints ofthe National Gallery of Art. Finally, all-out war against artists! I've longed for this day. No, Stan. Terrorists have smuggled uranium in a shipment of Egyptian artwork. Terrorists? You mean Al-Qaeda? Al-Qaeda? Please! Al-Qaeda wishes they could cater these guys' parties. We have to break into the museum and get the uranium before they do. No! It's too dangerous! You and I could be so happy together. - What? - I said, "Cheez-It?" [Doorbell Rings ] Hello. Are you from a religion? Because we're happy with the god we have now. No, ma'am. We're from the F. B. I. We're on the trail of a jewel thief who may be in this area. Haveyou seen a man about 6'2", 65 years old, sometimes leaps from a helicopter? - Yes. - Salty demeanor. Wears a turtleneck. - Yes. - Is it this man? Oh, thank heavens! For a minute, I thought you were describing my father-in-law. But he doesn't have a mustache. No mustache? Sorry to wasteyour time, ma'am. - Look, Dad! Look at me! You're not taking Stan on a mission! You're taking him on a jewel heist! Keep your pretty mouth shut, and everything'll be Punky Brewster. - Dad, you're not looking! - Look, eitheryou tell Stan the truth, or I will! All right, Francine. This won't be easy, but I'll tell him. First I'm gonna need a shot of Dutch courage. Hah! Straight to the brain! [ Whining ] Dad, you missed it! Gentlemen, I made outwith a chick. - She's an olderwoman. - Yeah? How old? - She's 80! - [ Both Spitting ] Dude, she's got wrinkles! So do raisins. But those taste pretty sweet. Now, ifyou need me later on, check the Retirement Villa, Apartment 2C. I'll be PoliGripping third base. My dad told me everything. Oh, Stan, I'm so sorry. The truth hurts, but- - I knowyou're working for the other side, Francine! - What? - You're a spy! - Oh, please. That's so ridic- [ TaserZapping ] - You're out ofbourbon. - [ Whining ] Dad, you missed it. [ Echoing ] Stan, your father is lying toyou! I am not a spy! - Dad told meyou'd say that. - He's using you. - He's really a jewel thief. - Dad told meyou'd say that too. He told me all aboutyour master plan. I was destined for greatness until you tricked me into having this loving family thus dooming me to a life of mediocrity. But no more, succubus! - Ready, Son? - Sure, Pop. Dad's taking me on a mission. But first we're stopping for cheeseburgers and milk shakes. Jealous? Yeah, you are. You totally are. - Gretchen? Ready to party? - ##[Slow Big Band] I brought us a sixer of Ensure. - Oh- Oh,just a minute. - [Record Scratches ] - Hey, baby. - You're early. I was so excited, I couldn't keep away. That's funny. My friend Snot has a cut-off Wrangler jean vest just like that. How- How could you? Handsome, you've got to understand. I don't have long for this world. Monogamy's for girls in their 60s. Don't try to apologize! From now on, there's a sign on our love and that sign reads: "Do Not Resuscitate. " [ Sobbing ] - [Pounding] - Please! Somebody! What the hell is this? Hang on. I'll getyou out ofthere. Oh, Roger, thank God you're here. Jack convinced Stan I was a spy, so he locked me up. Wait. Jack said you're a spy? Yes! The man's a jewel thief, and he- Sorry. But ifTheJackhammer says you're a spy, that's good enough for me. - Roger, wait. No, don't- don't! - [DoorCloses ] You're a natural, boy, and you look fantastic in that turtleneck. Like a beardless Paul Mitchell. I can't believe I was married to a spy for 20 years. I'll never let a loved one fool me again! Now, Daddy, let's go get that uranium you told me about. Hey, areyou two capering? We don't allow capering in here! [ Grunts ] Point a flashlight at my dad, you terrorist-helping traitor! [Woman's Voice ] Dad,you're 76. . Just retire. Mark and I would love foryou to live with us. [ Thinking ] Well, I can't leave the museum, Sheila. They need me. [Sheila's Voice ] But these areyour goldenyears, Pop. You should be enjoying life withyourfamily. [ Thinking ] Why, I never stopped enjoying it, Sheila. And in a way, those paintings are my family. Stan, that's enough. Let's get to the vault, Son. - [ Speed-Dialing ] - Sheila, I'm ready. Son, breaking into a vault is like making love to a woman. Right. So we should pound on it for like two minutes? No. You've gotta gently work the dials till she surrenders and opens. - [ Buzzes ] - All right, Dad! We're in! Now to find the hidden uranium. Dad, how much time do we have to- - Oh,Jackie hit the big time! - Dad, what areyou doing? I, uh- I'm- Here. Help me take these jewels back to the lab. They may contain clues or the down payment on a small island where I can swim and paint. Francine was right! You're-You're a thief!. I can't believe it! I modeled mywhole life afteryou! Which is perfect. Because now you can use those C. I. A. skills to fulfill your destiny byjoining me. I can't believeyou chose a life of crime over the most precious jewel ofall: a son's love. Oh, hold on a second. Hello, French Riviera? Yes. Can I buy a château with my son's love? Yes, yes, we all know the bit. But I'm not a criminal, and I'm not going with you. So I guess this is it. There's a security phone behind you. Go ahead. Turn in your old man. - [Clattering] - Sorry, Stan. I can't go to jail. Doyou know what they'd do to my eye socket in there? Steve! Just promise you'll treat herwell. No. I was wrong. It's justyou were bragging aboutyour girlfriend so I went to check her out, and, oh, come on, dude. - You know how sexy she is. - Yeah. Look, I know I made a big mistake. I just hopeyou can forgive me. Ah, Snot, let's just make sure we never let a woman come between us again. Agreed. [ Wheezing ] - Ah! [ Laughing ] - [ Laughing ] Come on, Stan. Figure a way out ofhere. You can do this. You're not just a pencil pusher. That's it! Picasso, you've finally madeyourself useful. - [ Buzzes ] - Yes! Wait. Ifl enjoy the scene ofthe crime now I won't feel compelled to return to it later. Freeze, thief!. [ Gasps ] You're smoking? - Huh? - Whoa, dude! Damn it! Back at the scene ofthe crime. Guess I couldn't help myselfafter all. You caught me. No one's ever caught me! Sorry, Dad, but it's over. I know. I also know I was a better liar than I was a father. And for that, I'm sorry. Yeah, well, I guess everyone makes mistakes. Can't you just let me go, Son? After all, I letyou go when you were just a baby. All right. But the jewels staywith me, and this is your last robbery. You have myword. Good-bye, Son. Wait a second. Where are my keys? I swear on my grandchildren: This car is the last thing I ever steal! [ Tires Screech ] [ Tires Screech ] Francine, you were right. My dad's a thief and a con artist. I'm just a sucker in an itchy turtleneck. And what I did toyou- Go ahead. Punch me in the face. - I deserve it. - Oh, Stan. Ow! I said punch, not lamp! That's for locking me in the basement without giving me any laundry to fold! - You know how I hate downtime! - Take pity on me. Mywhole, pathetic life's been based on a lie. I'm a nobody. Ow! Stop it! You're not a nobody! Stan, you don't have to be a super spy to be a hero because you're a hero right here in your own home. - I- I am? - Yes. You're a better man than your dad could ever be. Ah, Francine, you're right. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. - Not even Algeria. - Oh, Stan. - Oh, no. - Hey, haveyou guys seen Jack? No, Roger. Come on! Open this door! Yeah, I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm gonna have to talk toJack first. - But he's not coming back. - He'll be back! You'll see! He'll send for me! [Stan ] Francine, doyou even like Roger? 'Cause I'm thinking we mayhave done enough forhim. Bye. Have a great time.
 * 1) Good morning, U.
 * 1) # I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day # #The sun in the sky has a smile on his face # # And he's shining a salute to the American race # # Oh, boy, it's swell to say # # Goodmorning, U.
 * 1) [ Chorus ] # Goodmorning, U.
 * 1) It's up to you, Smith.
 * 1) [ Humming ] Well, I'm sure it can't be- - [ Gasps ] - [Mustache Shatters ] - You're a jewel thief!.