Love Potion Number 9

I took my troubles

down to Madame Ruth

You know, that Gypsy

with the gold-capped tooth

She's got a pad

on 34th and Vine

Sellin'

little bottles of

Love Potion

Number Nine

I told her that I was

a flop with chicks

I've been this way

since

She looked at my palm

And she made

a magic sign

She said,

What you need is

Love Potion

Number Nine

She bent down

and turned around

And gave me a wink

She said,

I'm gonna mix it up

Right here

in the sink

It smelled

like turpentine

It looked like

india ink

I held my nose,

I closed my eyes

I took a drink

I didn't know

if it was day or night

I started kissin'

everything in sight

But when

I kissed a cop

At  th and Vine

He broke

my little bottle of

Love Potion

Number Nine

I held my nose,

I closed my eyes

I took a drink

I didn't know

if it was day or night

I started kissin'

everything in sight

But when

I kissed a cop

At  th and Vine

He broke

my little bottle of

Love Potion

Number Nine

I held my nose,

I closed my eyes

I took a drink

I didn't know

if it was day or night

I started kissin'

everything in sight

But when

I kissed a cop

At  th and Vine

He broke

my little bottle of

Love Potion

Number Nine

Love Potion...

About once a month,

my friends and I

get together

and do something different

for fun.

Sometimes

we go bowling

or miniature golf

or a movie

or something.

One night,

we went down

to a Gypsy palm reader

on  th and Vine.

Let me see

your palm.

You do very badly

with women.

No. I... I... I...

I do all right.

No, you don't.

There are

no women here.

What's this?

No women.

Are you

a boy-kissy-boy?

Excuse me?

You a homosexual?

No.

I want my sister

to see this.

No, I don't.

No.

I see no women

in your life

for a long,

long time.

Maybe...

forever.

Well, that's

kind of depressing.

Yes, it is.

But I have

something for you.

Let me see.

Number

number.

Where the hell is it?

Ahh.

Number eight.

This is

what you need.

Dilute this with water

to.

You don't want it

to be too strong.

You take a sip,

and you swallow.

And when you speak,

women will find you

fascinating.

I'm a biochemist.

You take this.

You'll be back.

So, tell me,

there was this woman

I saw you having lunch

with the other day.

Huh?

She's just...

just somebody I work with.

Uh-huh.

Were there any

romantic possibilities?

No.

No?

Why not?

No, you see, I'm...

She's, um,

she's not my type.

Oh, she's not

your type.

That was a lie.

Except for the fact

that she had

kind of a boyfriend,

Diane was exactly my type.

I'm a comparative

psychobiologist.

I put, uh, primates...

chimpanzees...

through tests.

I note the behavior

of the subject,

and I hope the results

are analogous to humans.

Do you put electrical things

in their brains?

No.

No.

But that's done,

isn't it?

Yes.

Why?

You can measure

electrical activity,

or, with a minute

amount of current,

you can stimulate a feeling

or... or a thought.

You can stimulate

a feeling?

Yes.

For example,

there was

this experiment

where an electrode

was planted

in the pleasure center

of a monkey's brain.

When the monkey

hit a button,

it sent a signal

to the electrode,

in effect exciting

the monkey sexually.

You're kidding.

No.

Can you guess

what happened?

Was it a male monkey?

Yes.

He slammed the button

till he died.

Oh, so, you know

this experiment.

I know men, honey.

Oh, stop.

I think she is definitely

Paul's type.

She's got that,

uh...

je ne sais quoi,

that, uh...

Very sexy girl.

You should go

talk to her.

Really.

You should do it.

Do it.

I don't know her.

Well,

that is the point.

You go talk to her,

then you'll

know her.

Well, maybe she doesn't

want to talk to anybody.

Maybe.

Maybe she does, huh?

You got to

keep taking chances,

keep rolling

the dice

till you find someone

who does want to talk.

Expert advice.

Go.

Go.

I'll tell you what.

I'll pay you $

to go talk to her.

$ .Just go

talk to her.

No.

$.

I don't want to do it.

$.

$.

$  ?

Oh, O.K., O.K.

Born to lose

I've lived my...

He trapped me

by the bathroom.

He keeps me

by the bathroom.

He won't let me pass.

Can you believe it?

It's just one ugly geek

after another

in this place.

If one more of these

Radio Shack clerks...

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Uh-oh.

I don't believe this.

Can I, uh, uh,

can I buy you

a drink?

Can I ask you

a question?

Sure.

Why do you think

I'd be interested in you?

Did I look at you

or smile at you?

Did I flirt with you?

No.

Well, then what makes you

think I'd be interested?

Are you somebody special?

Is that it?

Do you do something

really fascinating?

What do you do

for a living?

Uh, I'm...

I'm a biochemist.

Do I look like

a biochemist groupie?

Well, biochemists

don't have groupies.

Why do you think

that is?

Well, it's not

a very glamorous job.

No, it's not one of your

drop-dead glamorous jobs.

I mean,

I'm sure that you find chemicals

very fascinating,

but do I look like somebody

who'd be interested

in a...

a... a...

a chemical person?

No. Hey, wait.

I'm doing this

for your benefit.

I mean, you wouldn't want this

to happen again,

would you?

No.

No. What's very

obvious to me

is not to you.

Look at your clothes

and then look at mine.

Do you see any kind

of a difference here?

Clothes aren't

important to you,

but they're

important to me.

Taste is very important.

I like designer clothes.

I like nice things.

I drive a BMW.

What about you?

Uh, I drive

a Volkswagen.

- Fahrvergnugen.

- Fahrvergnugen.

You know what that

really means?

Can't afford

the Mercedes.

Well, you're right.

We're not really

suited for each other,

and, uh,

so I'll just go

and get myself

a chemical girl.

I'm sorry.

I was just trying

to make a point.

I tell you what.

I'll go home

with you tonight

and be your

total sex slave...

if you can answer

one question correctly.

Ahem.

All right.

Who designed this top?

I wouldn't know.

Bye-bye, now.

[Engine Rattling]

[Police Radio]

[Rattling]

You're supposed to come

to a complete stop at the sign.

Can I see your driver's license,

your registration,

your proof

of insurance, please?

Yeah.

What the hell

kind of car is this?

It's an Alta Pazzoli.

My car s-stalls

unless I keep

my... my foot on the gas,

and I was

just trying to get...

I've already had

two moving violations this year,

and if I get a third,

they might cancel my insurance, so...

do you think

that maybe you could...

please make this

a warning?

Is this

your correct address?

Yeah.

[Engine Backfiring

And Sputtering]

[Engine Backfires]

Hello.

You have zero messages.

Hello.

You have zero messages.

[Classical Music Plays]

[Same Classical Music

Plays]

Bad.

This is bad.

Bad.

Bad.

Bad.

[Meow]

Come here.

Come here.

[Meow]

Bad rice.

Bad rice.

Be quiet.

I am very serious.

So am I.

I love you so much.

I want to tell you

that I love you.

[Telephone Rings]

[Meow]

[Ring]

Hello.

[Meow]

It's all right.

You don't have

to apologize.

I made    bucks

off of it, didn't I?

A gift?

Right now?

Well, yeah.

Well, what kind of gift?

Hi.

[Coughs]

Ahem.

I'm Marisa.

[Ring]

Hey.

Gary?

Yeah.

Are you alone?

Yes, of course

I'm alone.

Do you want to be?

You're no good

Heartbreaker

You're a liar...

[Knock On Door]

[Knock Knock]

I don't know why

I let you do

these things to me

Hi.

Hi.

My friends

keep tellin' me

Oh, come on in.

That you ain't no good

How are you?

Whoa

But they don't know

O.K.

That I've been...

That's nice.

Is that a new couch?

No. I've had it

about a year.

It looks new.

Well, I keep it

in good shape.

Are you still working

with your father?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What?

I...

Oh, man.

Got to go.

Did you...

put on

a little weight?

[Zips Pants Up]

Uh, can I

get you something?

What do you got?

I have some

terrific wines.

Do you have any, uh...

gin?

Gin?

Sure.

Gin on the rocks.

Gin on the rocks.

Um...

gin.

Tangueray,

if you got it.

O.K.

Can I use

your bathroom?

[Gargling]

[Door Opens]

[Squeak]

[Car Engine]

[Door Closes]

[Engine Starts]

How'd it go?

Great.

He just

wanted to talk.

Oh, you should've

seen his stereo.

I bet

it's worth thousands.

[Tires Screech]

[Tires Screech]

[Meow Meow]

[Meow]

[Rarrr]

[Meow]

[Meow]

[Meowing]

[Meowing]

[Meowing]

[Rarrr]

Oh!

Pay attention.

Pay attention.

Number six.

I've got to

talk to you.

I've got to

tell you something.

About four hours later,

they started to leave.

Whatever had happened

had stopped happening.

And then,

when I was cleaning up,

I found this

in some milk.

Milk.

You get it?

I mean,

cats like milk.

Yeah?

Well, the Gypsy said

when you speak, right?

So, maybe it has something

to do with sound.

I mean, after all,

you scratch a blackboard,

and it drives you

up the wall.

Maybe there's

a sound that...

you know, drives you up

another wall.

You don't

believe me?

No. I'd... I'd like

to believe you.

What do you

want from me?

Now,

are... are you sure?

Are you

absolutely positive?

I'm positive.

Nothing to worry about.

It's a...

It's a salt.

It's a condensed

liquid salt.

You want me

to take it?

No.

O.K.

[Aah-Aah-Aah-Aah]

[Aah-Aah-Aah]

Didn't sound

unusual to me.

How'd it sound

to you?

Well, I... I mean,

I... I wouldn't know.

Is that an unusual sound

for a chimp?

No.

[Crash]

That... That's Romeo.

He's trying to break

through the wall!

What's he

trying to do?

[Banging]

He's breaking

through the wall!

No, no, no. Don't.

He'll rip

your arm off.

Don't. Don't.

Well, I...

[Banging]

Is he dead?

No.

He's asleep.

After weeks of testing,

we discovered

how it works.

When swallowed, it affects

the vocal cords directly,

so when you speak,

microtremors encoded

within your voice

stimulate

tiny little hairs

in the inner ear

of the opposite sex.

The vibration sends

a signal to the brain,

which, in turn,

produces a combination

of mood-altering

endogenous chemicals

responsible for

the biochemical process

of feeling in love.

We also discovered

that, one...

It made members

of the same sex hostile.

Two...

It had to be diluted.

Full strength

was far too strong.

And three...

It would only work

for four hours at a time.

The next logical step

was to test it on humans,

but who?

We felt a deep

moral obligation to mankind

to make sure this

potentially dangerous drug

didn't fall into

the wrong hands,

but where could we find

test subjects we could trust?

Th-this is

scientifically unorthodox,

but...

perhaps we could

both take samples

and test it ourselves in

a real-world environment.

I mean, Diane,

we're both...

prudent and... and

responsible people.

So, for the sake

of all mankind,

we divided up the remainder

of the potion

and agreed not to speak

for three weeks.

[Engine Rattling]

[Engine Backfires]

Can I see your driver's license,

your registration,

your proof of

insurance, please?

[Clears Throat]

Let's just...

let this go

with a warning.

Thank you.

Heh heh.

I... I get off

in... in about an hour...

and, uh...

I was... I was

wondering...

could we

maybe...

have a drink?

I don't think so.

Insurance

has been canceled.

" R.T. Moreno."

Hi.

Can I help you?

I need a man

I need a man

I need a man

I need a man

YMCA

It's fun to stay at the

YMCA, yeah

They have everything...

Excuse me.

Who would be

Ms. Moreno's supervisor?

[Village People]

YMCA

It's fun to stay at the

YMCA...

Uh...

YMCA...

That would be, um...

the district manager...

Dick Webster.

Dick.

Three tickets. Oh, my.

You didn't kill anybody,

did you?

No.

Good.

Bill... Dick Webster.

I have a cancellation

I want reversed.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, it is

very beautiful, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Dino!

[Speaking Italian]

Si,

signore.

Has anybody

ever told you

how beautiful

you are?

No.

Nobody in their right mind.

Excuse me, please.

I have met beautiful

women before...

many

beautiful women...

but you...

you are the most

beautiful woman

I have ever seen

in my life.

I know this

sounds ridiculous,

but do you believe in

love at first sight?

Bravo!

La via!

I want you

to have this.

I can't.

Please, indulge me.

Take it.

I don't feel

this way very often,

and I would like

you to have this.

Oh!

This is your car?

This is an

Alta Pazzoli.

I know.

I am Enrico Pazzoli.

I own the company

that manufactures this car.

[Car Doesn't Start]

Thank you.

The governor is giving

a little party this evening.

I have nobody

to accompany me.

Would you please

come with me?

I... I really

don't think so.

Why? Are you married?

No, no.

You are engaged?

You have a fiance?

No, no.

A lover?

A boyfriend?

Um... no.

A girlfriend?

No!

Then, uh, your

grandmother is sick,

and you must

stay with her?

She's dead.

I'm sorry.

It's O.K.

She died   years ago.

Then why don't you

come with me?

[Knock On Door]

Buona sera.

Is something wrong?

You're wearing a tuxedo.

Oh, of course.

The party's

a formal affair.

Didn't I

tell you?

No.

Ohh...

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

But we have

plenty of time.

Please,

put on a gown.

I will be happy

to wait.

I don't own a gown.

Royalty usually arrives

after the guests.

However, Prince Geoffrey didn't

want to miss meeting any of the girls.

It is all right.

Don't be afraid.

You look, uh...

maravigliosa.

And in the alpha males,

seratonin receptor levels

were found to be

up-regulated,

and cetohybridization

has shown

that they will co-localize

with dopamine.

- Well!

- Hmm!

- Oh!

What's the difference between

ignorance and indifference?

I don't know,

and I don't care.

[Diane Laughing]

Enrico, thank you.

Good night.

Oh, my God.

Oh...

[Beep]

Hello.

You have   messages.

All my friends

know the low rider...

Fahrvergnugen.

The low rider

Is a little higher

Hi.

My name's Cheryl.

Aren't you going to

tell me your name?

Paul.

Why are you looking

at me like that?

I'm just curious to

what you're thinking.

I'm not going

to tell you.

The low rider

I prefer to be

a bit mysterious.

Oh.

Do you like

mysterious girls?

No.

Oh.

What kind of girls

do you like?

Honest and direct.

I don't like mystery.

Oh, I... I was just kidding

about the mystery part.

Oh, yeah.

I can be direct.

I can be

very direct.

The low rider...

Yeah.

In fact, I can

be so direct,

it would

scare you.

Are you scared?

Nope.

Oh, God.

Oh, this is great.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

O.K., O.K.

Is that direct

enough for you?

Yeah, yeah.

That was excellent,

excellent directness.

So why don't we just

get out of here?

We can go back

to my place.

O.K.

O.K. I-I'll

go home with you.

I'll go home

with you,

and I'll be everything

you've ever wanted in a man

if...

you can answer one

question correctly.

What?

How do you synthesize

a methylated alkaloid?

I don't know.

[Makes Buzzer Sound]

Bye, now.

Yes.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Whoo!

[Humming]

It was late,

but the bars were open,

and I still

felt the urge

to continue

with my research.

It was   % effective.

No matter

what they were doing

or whoever

they were with,

they wanted you!

You were the one they were

looking for their entire lives.

You were funny,

intelligent,

but above all,

you were very, very sexy.

It worked,

and it worked miracles.

It absolutely eliminated

any fear that they

wouldn't like you or that

you weren't good enough.

Instead of taking years of painfully

coming to grips with reality,

you change reality.

Reality comes to you.

You didn't have to be

good-looking,

well-dressed, or rich.

It didn't matter.

You just had to speak.

So...

how do you like

those pretzels?

And you didn't have to

be funny, intelligent,

or insightful.

It didn't matter

what you said.

Content had nothing

to do with it.

So...

you like those radials?

They say that

power corrupts,

and absolute power

corrupts absolutely.

Well...

they're right.

They also say that

the path of excess

leads to

the palace of wisdom.

My palace of wisdom

was the Sigma Delta Pi

Sorority House.

[Beethoven's

Fifth Symphony Plays]

I learned a lot

that night.

I learned a lot

about myself.

I learned a lot

about women.

I also learned about

an obscure panty raid law

which prohibits men

to be in a sorority house

after  p.m.

How's it going?

Can I help you?

No. I'm here

to see a friend.

And who is that?

Diane Farrow.

I'm sorry,

but Miss Farrow

isn't expecting

company.

Oh, I'm just

dropping by.

I'm sorry.

Listen, why don't

you go tell her

that Gary Logan

is here?

All right.

Stan, there's a

Gary Logan out here

to see

Miss Farrow.

I'm sorry.

You're kidding.

No.

She has company.

Oh.

Who is that guy?

Prince Geoffrey.

Prince?

Prince of what?

England.

Unbelievable.

Ahem.

Is, uh...

Thank you.

Right through here?

Diane?

Wow!

- Bye!

- Bye, Diane!

Jesus Christ,

you... you look great!

What did you do?

You got a haircut?

Well, that is

a great haircut.

You got your teeth fixed.

Oh, you're on the potion!

You're on the po...

So, uh...

nice... nice clothes.

Did you buy those?

Really?

Ah. Having fun, huh?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

"What were you doing

in the sorority?"

Uh...

what was I doing

in the sorority?

Ha ha ha ha ha...

Oh, no.

I... I was, um...

I was, uh...

I can't tell you.

I'm sorry. I can't.

I was doing research.

I... I was.

What?

What?

What?

Oh, you're kidding.

Heh. Uh... heh heh.

Uh... ahem.

All right,

all right, all right.

Can you keep a secret?

So can I.

I'm sorry.

I... I just...

Oh, look,

that is not fair,

because you're

on the potion.

You can't talk.

How do I know you

haven't been doing

some unspeakably

sordid things?

What?

You're kidding.

What are you,

dating the president?

Who's in there?

You look familiar.

Uh, I'm the prince

of England.

Ow.

Oh.

Paul, we're going to

a charity arts auction tonight.

Would you

like to come?

You're not speaking.

Why aren't you

speaking?

You notice Diane

isn't speaking?

Oh! You're playing the mute game

again, aren't you?

Yes, you are!

She's playing

the mute game again.

[British Accent]

Really?

So, you are coming

to the party.

Tell him to come

to the party.

That's mute for,

"you must come."

Oh, uh...

you have a tux?

Your highness,

how wonderful to see you.

Jane Childs from

the arts council.

Miss Childs,

so nice to see you.

These are my friends

Paul and Diane.

How do you do?

This is one of our

new South American sculptors.

He's going to be

having a one-man show here.

Thanks.

Uh, shall we go?

Coming, Paul?

No? All right, then.

Have you met

our mayor Mr. Cox?

[Geoffrey]

No, I haven't had the pleasure.

...plaster cast mold,

and then it was done

in the lost wax method,

which is why it's so

anatomically correct.

Excuse me, Your Highness.

He's awfully good

with the ladies.

A. Oh, deuces are wild.

I got the.

Uh, the  is yours.

Uh... the king is for me.

Here's a.

and, um...

I'm sorry.

We can't do this.

Could I talk to you?

Uh, would you excuse me

for a minute?

Ladies and gentlemen,

the auction is about to begin.

Please join us

at the forum.

Prince Geoffrey

may be turning in

his wicked, wicked ways

for American monkey

psychiatrist Diane Farrow.

Miss Farrow, who

as a comparative psychobiologist

has had considerable

experience taming wild beasts,

has tamed the untamable

king of the jungle

Prince Geoffrey of York.

As far as Buckingham Palace

is concerned,

sources tell us

the queen mum is staying mum

until she gets to meet

the pretty American psychologist.

Hi.

Hi.

Guess what.

What?

Geoffrey proposed

to me last night.

W-W-W-What'd

you tell him?

I told him I would

think about it.

Think about it.

W-Why'd you

tell him that?

[Clears Throat]

You know...

all my life,

I've felt...

ugly.

And now I have

the world's most desirable man

telling me that

I am beautiful.

I have the prince of England

at home pining for me.

This is a dream come true.

I could be a princess.

You're disturbed.

W-What causes this?

Well, I haven't had

a date in four years.

What?

Uh, well, your... your...

the joke about the date.

Well, what about it?

Well, Diane...

we had a date.

We had a date?

Yeah. Remember?

No, I don't.

The lunch...

we went out to lunch.

That was a date?

Yeah.

I thought a date was when

you went to somebody's house

and you picked them up

and you took them out

to dinner.

Well, that is

a conventional date,

but you... you don't

have to do that.

Gosh, I'm sorry.

I had no idea that

that was a date.

Was there a second date

that I'm not aware of?

No. Because you said you

had kind of a boyfriend.

Oh.

Well, he's not a boyfriend.

No?

No.

Are you hungry?

Yeah.

Do you want to go out

and get something to eat?

You know, I'll drive

to your house,

and I'll pick you up

and...

talk to your father.

So this is a date?

This is

definitely a date.

O.K.

And then something

magical happened.

For the first time

in my life,

I felt something perfect.

Once you feel that feeling,

that perfect feeling,

you want it to last

forever,

but since love

comes with no guarantee,

you do what you can do,

and the only thing

you can do

is get married.

So you plan

your moment carefully,

making it as enticing

and romantic as possible.

And if they accept,

you marry

and cross your fingers

and hope it lasts.

I couldn't wait to spend

the rest of my life with Diane.

I booked this great old

bed and breakfast

on a bluff

overlooking the ocean.

We'd go out

and watch the sunset...

Pain in my heart

Diane?

You're treating me cold

Uh...

Where can my baby be?

Where are you?

Lord, no one knows

Pain in my heart

Just won't let me sleep

Where can my baby be?

Lord, where can she be?

[Ring]

I began

to get tough

Hello?

I said I want you

to come back...

No. You've got

a wrong number.

Come back, come back,

baby

I know

Oh

A little pain

in my heart

[Telephone Rings]

Hello?

Diane, what happened to you?

Where are you?

Hi.

Hi.

Where have you been?

Huh?

Paul...

so much has happened.

So much.

Tell me.

Well, um...

last week...

something happened

between us.

Uh-huh.

Well, we became...

friends.

Friends?

Yeah, I mean...

it's important, isn't it,

to be... friends?

Well, yeah, but, uh,

I mean, uh...

I thought we became

more than friends.

There's something

I think I should tell you.

I've been

seeing someone...

off and on for about,

um,   years,

and... and there

were problems.

I mean, it never, never

really worked out,

but all of a sudden,

it's like he's come around.

He's changed.

It's like a dream

come true for me.

It's great.

Gary...

um, Gary, this is Paul.

Paul, this is Gary.

Paul...

Paul, please,

don't be upset.

We can still be

friends, can't we?

At first I was a mess,

and then things

just got worse.

I couldn't eat.

I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't do anything

but think of Diane.

I had no choice.

I had to get her back.

I did what

everybody does

when they're in love

with somebody

who's in love

with somebody else...

You pretend you're willing

to be just friends,

but really you're out to sabotage

their relationship.

I'd gently steer Diane into

the morass of Gary's many faults.

Since I didn't know Gary,

I had to find out what

exactly these faults were.

So how's it

with, uh, Gary?

Gary's great.

He's a handsome guy.

You think so?

He looks great

in a towel, too.

He could be

a big towel model.

What's he like?

I didn't really get

a chance to meet him.

Well, um...

can you imagine feeling

something with someone

that just feels...

perfect?

Yeah.

That's how I would

describe Gary.

He's just... perfect.

Perfect?

Wow... perfect.

Besides perfect,

w-what is he like?

Well, he's, uh...

he's kind of

a perfectionist.

So... So he's perfect,

and he's a perfectionist.

So, yeah.

I mean...

but what does that mean?

He's punctual?

Well, he's, um...

Oh, he's very resolute.

He wants to do

what he wants to do.

Is that good?

Do you like that

about him?

Usually.

Not always?

Well, it...

Sometimes he just

likes to do things

that I... I really

don't like to do.

[Telephone Rings]

Oh. I'm sorry.

Hello?

Hi.

Oh, I was just

talking to Paul.

Gary, we're just friends.

Gary, I...

O.K.

O.K.

I love you.

All right.

I love you.

O.K. Bye.

Gary doesn't want me

talking to you anymore.

Diane,

what do you want?

I don't want

to lose him.

I love him.

Sorry.

This plan was clearly

not going to work.

Gary's influence

over Diane was too powerful.

She'd do anything

to make him happy.

It was like she'd joined

some kind of cult.

I went from feeling I'd be

in love with Diane forever

to wondering if I'd ever fall

in love with anyone again.

I would.

[Honk Honk]

[Coughs]

[Honk]

[Coughs]

[Honk Honk]

[Knock Knock]

Oh, hi.

Hi. I was

in the area.

I thought I'd stop

by and say hello.

Oh, that was

very nice of you.

Uh... do you

want to come in?

O.K.

Can I use

your bathroom?

So, uh...

what is it you do again?

Accountant or something?

There we go.

So is that

everything?

Yeah, this is

the whole thing.

Cables?

The cables are in with

the instruction books.

Good job, buddy.

You're coming right

back, right?

You bet.

O.K. Bye-bye.

I gave her anything I had

of value,

including all

the love potion.

I tried explaining how it

affects the pharyngeals,

but this was clearly

a woman more interested

in fiduciary gain

than in science.

Great girl.

For four hours, I could

think of nothing but Marisa...

Beautiful, intelligent,

all-around wonderful gal Marisa.

Then four hours later...

I could've strangled her.

I couldn't believe

how powerful an influence

the potion had over me.

I would've done anything

to make Marisa happy.

It was like I had joined

some kind of cult.

You sold all of it,

the whole bottle?

Yes.

The person who bought this,

what did they look like?

Tall, very handsome,

dark eyes, dark hair.

Did he wear a ring?

Yes.

A gold snake with

rubies for eyes.

Hello?

Diane, I just got back

from Madame Ruth's.

Gary is using

the potion on you.

I'm in love with him.

No, you're not.

Go away for four hours

and see if you're still

in love with him.

Paul, this is

ridiculous.

Why does he make you take

the telephone everywhere?

Does he call you

every four hours?

He thinks you're using

the love potion on me.

Don't tell him!

He's the enemy!

[Gary] Just hang up

the phone, Diane.

He must have

found out about it.

Did you write it down?

I have to go.

[Gary]

Hang up the phone.

He must have read

your journal and...

[Click]

Diane.

I'm not listening

to you.

I am not using it.

He is.

It'll wear off someday,

and you'll be pregnant,

and you'll be married,

and you'll have

that asshole's children.

It'll wear off.

You'll be married to a man you hate

with a bunch of little

assholes running around!

I kept calling her,

but she wouldn't

take my calls.

I wrote her letters,

but they came back

unanswered.

I tried confronting Gary.

That didn't work.

There was only one stone

left unturned.

Do you have an antidote

or something

more powerful or...

Sit down.

Years ago

there was a plague.

It affected many people.

It did not in any way

make them feel ill.

They lived long lives,

but...

something inside of them

died...

The capacity

to love forever.

This is the cure.

Love Potion Number Nine

does not create emotion.

It purifies it.

Love is often obscured

by doubt,

prejudice, suspicion.

With number nine,

all that is eliminated.

It becomes pure.

The greatest tragedy

in life

is when love fades.

With Love Potion

Number Nine,

it never fades.

So if you ever

loved each other

and you both

take this potion,

you will love each other

again,

as much as you ever

loved each other...

forever.

Are you absolutely sure

she was in love with you?

Uh...

mm-hmm.

Why?

If you both

take this potion

and you were

in love with her

but she really never

was in love with you,

you will love her for

the rest of your life,

and she will hate you

for the rest of hers.

Great.

How does it work?

She said drink from

the same cup, then kiss.

Five minutes later,

it will take effect.

If your heart is willing and can

be pleased, wait and listen,

and you'll hear a song

from the breeze.

So if you're willing

to fall in love,

and five minutes

after the big smooch,

you'll hear

this wind musical thing,

and whoosh,

you're in love forever.

If your heart is stubborn

like the heart of a fool,

you will taste

the sweat of a mule.

So if you're an asshole

and not willing to commit,

then five minutes

after the kiss,

you'll taste mule sweat,

which, I imagine,

is terrible.

So if I take this potion

with Diane,

I kiss her,

five minutes later...

assuming that she's

still in love with me...

number nine

will override number eight,

no matter how much

Gary takes number eight.

That's assuming

she's in love with me.

Paul...

And this is the reason

why you guys are here...

Diane's not talking to me,

so she's not going to

willingly take the potion.

I'm going

to need your help.

The plan is very simple.

We go to her house,

I knock on the door...

You guys wait

on the foyer...

If she answers, I burst in.

You guys follow.

If she doesn't,

we knock down the door,

grab her, hold her down,

I tickle her knee,

and her mouth will open.

I force the potion in,

get her to swallow it.

I kiss her. Then we wait

for five minutes.

Of course, getting her

to swallow

is going to be

the toughest part

'cause, hey, you know,

women don't want to swallow.

Sorry. Uh...

Oh, also, if Gary is there,

it's going to get physical,

'cause, uh...

But there are four of us,

and I think we can

take him...

unless he has a gun,

but chances

are pretty remote.

You guys have any questions?

What? What?

What's with that look?

You don't believe me?

It's not a matter

of not believing you.

It's just...

I think it is a matter

of not believing you.

Not only that,

but you're asking us

to break

a number of laws...

breaking and entering,

assault, battery.

Ron, do you

believe me?

I'd sooner believe

the Single Bullet Theory.

[Knock On Door]

Hold on.

I'm running kind of low,

sweetheart.

This Gary guy has the rest

of the potion, right?

Yeah, that's right.

Great.

Bye-bye, now.

Bye-bye.

- Bye.

- Bye-bye.

[Laughing]

[Coughing]

My God.

She's an angel.

That bitch.

She took my Rolex

and my wallet.

Yes. Yes,

that's right.

I'd like to report

a stolen Visa Card.

Thank you.

What am I going

to tellJudy?

Tell her

you're a schmuck.

You guys going

to help me now or what?

Remember. What do you

do if Marisa shows up?

Beat the living shit

out of her.

Cover your ears.

Yell and scream.

Don't listen to her.

What if

Gary shows up?

Beat the living shit

out of him.

Good.

Shh.

Hi.

Hello.

Are you Diane's

friend?

- Yeah. Who are you?

- Paul.

You're the Paul

she works with?

Yeah.

The one she

hit it off with?

She told me

not to talk to you.

There's something strange

going on here, isn't there?

Yes, there is.

Suddenly she's dating

the prince of England,

then she's crazy

about you,

now she's marrying

the schmuck.

Marrying?

She's marrying him?

- Yes.

- When?

In about an hour.

Oh, Jesus.

She forgot this

in all the excitement.

Uh, hi.

What's happening here?

Would you like me

to tell you?

You get her to drink

from the glass,

then bring the glass

back to me.

I'll sip from it,

come in, and kiss her.

So this guy Gary,

is he big?

Yeah.

Now, you said that she

was crazy about me.

Is that the word

she used, crazy?

Yes.

Did she ever say that

she was in love with me?

Did she use

that word?

No. She said crazy.

[Cork Pops]

[Madame Ruth]

If your heart is decisive

and your heart

can be pleased,

wait and listen.

You will hear

a song from the breeze.

Oh, great.

This is great.

Oh, O.K.

Now, it is

a tradition

for the bride

and the matron of honor

to drink

champagne

out of each

other's glasses.

It is?

It is?

It is.

It's sort of

an Irish thing.

Did you

know that?

No.

Well, uh, pour.

Grandma.

O.K.

Um...

Here.

O.K. Now, hold

your glass up

really nice

and high.

O.K.

And... to Diane

and... whoever.

Gary.

Right.

You look beautiful.

Mmm.

Gary, get out

of here!

It's bad luck for the groom

to see the bride

before

the wedding.

Well, then,

here's to bad luck.

[Madame Ruth]

There is something you can do.

You must drink

from the same glass,

then kiss her.

Drink from

the same glass, then kiss her?

She will

fall in love

with the man

she loved most

and hate the other

forever,

but if you wait too long,

it won't work.

Hmm...

No...

Whoa...

No...

Aah!

Aah!

Back up.

Oh!

Just get out.

No!

O.K., move.

I'll crack this...

Put it down!

Just step aside.

Diane...

Oh, God!

Diane. Diane.

Mmm!

Look, fellas,

I... I... I...

I'm not crazy,

O.K.?

I'm not insane.

Mmm, oh, no!

Hello, Gary.

Now, listen.

I know you're in a hurry

to get married,

so let's skip

the small talk.

You've got something

I want.

Oh.

It's so...

thick.

You're supposed

to dilute it.

Completely pure?

[Madame Ruth]

If your heart is stubborn

like the heart

of a fool,

you'll wait,

hear nothing,

but taste the sweat

of the mule.

What?

What are you

doing?

[Spitting]

Stop!

Gary.

Let me do this.

Gary, don't!

Stop!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on.

If any present

knows any reason

why they may not lawfully

be joined in marriage,

let them speak now

or forever

hold their peace.

Yecchh!

Yecchh!

[Coughing]

Do you, Diane Farrow,

take this man to be your

lawfully wedded husband,

in sickness

and in health,

as long as you both

shall live?

I do.

The ring.

[Cough Cough Cough]

Excuse me.

What's going on?

You bitch!

You god damn whore!

Ow!

Tramp!

You bitch!

Jesus Christ!

Uh, guys, we got

a major code

right outside.

Everybody out!

Get with it, guys!

Move!

Go, go!

Everybody move!

[Waltz Of The Flowers

Plays]

Help!

[Singing]

Help!

Mo mo

Hmm, mo

Ooh, yeah

[Humming And Singing]

Ooh

Ma, ma, ma, ma,

Ma, ma, ma, ma,

Ma, ma, ma, ma,

[Telephone]

If you'd like to make a call,

please hang up

and try again.

If you need help,

dial.

[Beeping]

[Car Engines Running]

[Tires Squeal]

Diane.

Where have you been?

Oh!

No!

Um, touch your finger

to your nose.

Hop on one foot.

Put your hands

in the air

and go...

Grab your nipples like this,

real hard.

You like that,

don't you?

Ooh.

[All]

Ooh.

Now I think it's time

for a little magic.

Well, I'd like to tell you

that five minutes

after I kissed Diane,

she came running out

into my arms

and that we fell in love

forever,

but that's not

what happened.

It took six minutes.

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Let's get out

of here.

O.K.

[Madame Ruth]

Ahh, that's nice.

I took my troubles

down to Madame Ruth

You know, that Gypsy

with the gold-capped tooth

She's got a storefront

at  th and Vine

Sellin'

little bottles of

Love Potion

Number Nine

Love Potion

Number Nine

Oh, oh, oh

I told her everything

was goin' fine

Everything

except that man of mine

She looked at my palm

Made a magic sign

Said,

What you need is

Love Potion

Number Nine

Love Potion

Number Nine

Love Potion

Number Nine

Love Potion

Number Nine

She jumped down,

turned around

Gave me a wink

Said,

I'm gonna mix it up

Right here

in the sink

It smelled

like turpentine

Looked like

india ink

I held my nose,

closed my eyes

I took a drink

Didn't know if

it was day or night

I started kissin'

every man in sight

Never been

so turned on

Never felt so fine

Gonna give

my man some

Love Potion

Number Nine

Love Potion

Number Nine

Love Potion

Number Nine

Love Potion

Number Nine

I didn't know

if it was day or night

I started kissin'

every man in sight

Never been

so turned on

Never felt so fine

Gonna give

my man some

Love Potion

Number Nine

Love Potion

Number Nine

Love Potion

Number Nine

Love Potion

Number Nine

Love Potion Number

When I get

the notion

I take

a little potion

Love Potion...