Star Warners

STAR WARNERS Written by: LIZ HOLZMAN, CHARLES M. HOWELL IV, TOM RUEGGER Directed by: NELSON RECINOS Animation by: WANG FILM PRODUCTIONS CO. EPISODE LXV: "A NEW ZORT" They're Pinky and the Brain, Yes, Pinky and the Brain! One is a genius, the other's insane. They've entered in a race To conquer outer space. They're dinky, They're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain! PESTO: Hey, them rebels don't give us no respect, Bobby. Know what I mean? BOBBY: No respect at all. SQUIT: What do ya expect, Pesto? We blasted 'em first. PESTO: We did not! Bobby, did we blast them first? BOBBY: A little bit. Yeah, maybe just a little bit. SQUIT: See? I told ya. PESTO: Oh. You told me? Is that right? Well, let me tell you somethin'. Let me tell ya this! And let me tell ya that! And how do ya like that?! And let me tell ya this! NURSE: Make way for Girth Plotz. SQUIT: Hey... PESTO:  Cheese it! BOBBY: The boss! [Plotz enters, wheezing and coughing] DOT:   [Whispering]  ...  All right! Who took the last diet root beer?! BRAIN: I told you, I am not a refrigerator. I am a laboratory robot engaged in an intricate scheme of galactic domination. DOT:   Stupid machine! You ate all my change! Now vamoose! PLOTZ: You there! What are you doing? [Dot gasps and flees] Stop her! PINKY: Did you have a nice chat with the funny-hair lady, Brain-2-Me-2? BRAIN: Yes, 3-Pinky-o. And do you know what's on the disk she just gave me? PINKY: Another free introductory offer to America On-line? BRAIN: Not even close. Observe, Pinky-o. She gave us the plans to Girth Plotz' ultimate weapon -- the Megastar. With it, I can conquer the galaxy! PINKY: Oh, joy! We'll be ruled by a minifridge! BRAIN: I am not a refrigerator. {Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah} PINKY: Oh. Then I'd better take out my leftovers before they spoil. Now, where did I put that chicken chimichanga? BRAIN: Stop it, 3-Pinky-o. That tickles! Ha ha ha! Cut it out! Hah! [Bumps ignition switch] I have a bad feeling about this. PINKY: Ooh, me, too. I just found an egg roll that's green and furry! PLOTZ: [Wheezing]  We meet again, Princess. {Parody of Darth Vader's theme} DOT:   That's Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana-Fana Leiana Pile-Of-Origami...the Third. But you can call me Dot. Call me       Dottie, and you'll be taking your Tang intravenously! PLOTZ: Enough! What are you doing here? DOT:   My five-year mission is to seek out new worlds, and make them cuter. I bet you'd look cuter without the face mask. [Pulls off mask] So I        was wrong. Who knew? PLOTZ: You stole the plans to the Megastar. Now, where are they? DOT:   I'll never tell! PLOTZ: We'll see about that! Guards! Take her away! SNS:   General Plotz! An escape pod has just blasted off, and it's heading towards the planet Ratatouille! PLOTZ: So? SNS:   It's carrying Princess Dot's minifridge. PLOTZ: Find me that fridge! PINKY: Egad! I can't go on, Brain-2! I can't walk another step. BRAIN: You've only gone three feet. PINKY: Oh. Right you are. Troz! Never mind. Hoo hoo ha ha ha ha! MINDY: Hello, funny vacuum-cleaner man. BRAIN: I am not a vacuum-cleaner. PINKY: Yes! He's a refrigerator. BRAIN: No. I'm a robot stranded in the desert with his dimwitted sidekick. PINKY: That would be me! Hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha! MINDY: Ha ha ha! Funny vacuum-cleaner man. BRAIN: Uh, perhaps you could direct us to the nearest space port, little girl. MINDY: Why? BRAIN: Because we need to get to the Megastar. MINDY: Why? BRAIN: Because we're trying to take over the galaxy. MINDY: Why? BRAIN: Because with me in charge, it will be a better place. MINDY: Why? BRAIN: Because I'm really smart! MINDY: Why? BRAIN: Because I am! Now stop saying "why"! MINDY: Why? BRAIN: Because you're driving me crazy! MINDY: Why? BRAIN: Pinky-o, tell her to stop! PINKY: Why? Hoo hoo ha ha ha ha! Narf! BRAIN: Enough! MINDY: Okkay. I love you. Buh-bye. [Zaps them] BRAIN: Aaagh! Aaarghh! There is a pain that is going to tingle. MINDY: Hi, Mr. Farmer-Man. WAKKO: Hello, little nomad Nurse! I'm Wakk Skylicker. MINDY: Whatcha doin'? WAKKO: Farming sand. I've got a big crop this year. [Wind blowing] MINDY: Ahhh...okkay. Wanna buy a funny vacuum-cleaner man? WAKKO: No, thanks. BRAIN: I am not a vacuum-cleaner. WAKKO: But I'll buy a talking garbage can any day! MINDY: Okkay. I love you. Buh-bye. WAKKO: How do ya open the lid? BRAIN: I assure you, I am not a garbage can. I am a robot on a vital mission. PROJECTION: Help me, Slappy Wanna Nappy. Please! PINKY: Look, Brain-2. It's the Princess. BRAIN: Ow! O-ow! O-ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! PROJECTION: Help me, Slappy Wanna Nappy. Please! WAKKO: Hello, girl who looks just like my long-lost sister Nurse. PINKY: Your sister is tiny and staticky? WAKKO: No. She's just very, very cute. BRAIN: Who is this Slappy Wanna Nappy? WAKKO: It must be Hasbin Wanna Nappy, the old squirrel who lives out in the desert. Maybe she can help me find my sister. BRAIN: Maybe she can help me get to the Megastar. PINKY: Maybe she can help me get a brain! ALL:   Oh, we're off to see the has-been, The wonderful has-been named Slappy! WAKKO: Are you sure we're in the right movie? SLAPPY: All right, already, I'm comin'. What do ya want? BRAIN: Are you Slappy Wanna Nappy? SLAPPY: Who wants to know? WAKKO: I'm Wakk Skylicker. My new talking garbage can has a message for you. SLAPPY: He looks more like a toaster oven to me. BRAIN: [Sighing]  May we come in and explain? SLAPPY: As long as you promise to heat up my frozen waffles. I'm starvin'. BRAIN: What I go through for galactic conquest... PROJECTION: This minifridge contains the plans to the Megastar, Girth Plotz's ultimate weapon of destruction. The Megastar must be stopped! Help me, Slappy Wanna Nappy. Please! All right! Who took the last diet root beer?! WAKKO: She sounds like she's in trouble! SLAPPY: With a plot line that lame, we're all in trouble. Keep 'em comin' there, toaster-boy. WAKKO: We have to get to the Megastar! PINKY: Poit! But how? BRAIN: We will need a ship and a pilot. SLAPPY: I know where we can line up a pilot. WAKKO: Well, then, let's roll! SLAPPY: Sure, just as soon as somebody passes me the syrup. PLOTZ: Now, Princess...  Tell us where your fridge went with those plans! DOT:   Never! SNS:   I know just how to make her talk. Sergeant-Major Nurse! DOT:    PIP:   How do? Name's Pip Pumphandle. You know, you meet the most interesting people in outer space. Did I ever tell you about the time I met Mr. Mark Hamill, star of stage, screen, and the occasional comic book? DOT:   Noooo! SLAPPY: The studio of Mos Eisner. You'll never find a more wretched hive of       scum and villainy. So be careful. We're goin' in without an agent. {Freakazoid theme} MARVIN: I have an Iridium Q-39 reactive modulator, which I'm going to use to       blow up the Earth. MINERVA:I bet you use that line on all the girls. BOGART: Hey, you! We don't allow your kind in here. PINKY: You don't allow robots? BOGART: No. We don't allow minibars. BRAIN: I am not a minibar! BOGART: So long, sweethearts! SLAPPY: Ya get it? It's like the Lucy show, but with a squirrel. ALIEN: Hey! Somethingsomethingsomethingwedonotwant! #Don't call us, we'll call you!# {Pinky & the Brain theme} SLAPPY: Hey! You spoiled my pitch! BRAIN: Your what? SLAPPY: My pitch! I told ya I was tryin' to get us a pilot.  BRAIN: Not a TV pilot! We need a pilot who can fly! YAKKO: Did someone say 'pilot'? BRAIN: Who are you? YAKKO: Yakk Soho, space ace, reporting for duty. This is my copilot, Chewbooboo. BOO:   Arrrrh...bok-kaw! PINKY: His copilot's a chicken, I tell ya! A giant chicken! YAKKO: Not if ya keep a nightlight turned on.  Thank you. I'll be here through Tuesday. BRAIN: Can you take us to the Megastar? YAKKO: No problem. BABS:  Hello, handsome. BRAIN: No, the Megastar of total destruction. YAKKO: Oh, right. Sorry. ARNIE: Chill out, fridge-boy. ALL:   Aaaagh! Aaaaaggh! BRAIN: No! Girth Plotz's Megastar in outer space. YAKKO: Oh, *that* Megastar. Sure, I can take ya! BRAIN: Then please do so immediately. RALPH: Duh, hey! There's that minifridge! Stop them! YAKKO: Quick! To the Bicentennial Lemon! We're gettin' creamed! Chewbooboo, get us outta here! BRAIN: Just what kind of ship is this? YAKKO: A pizza delivery transport. BRAIN: Oh, great. YAKKO: We deliver neutron-hot pizzas to your space port in under 30 parsecs or your money back. BOO:   Bok-kaw. YAKKO: So hold onto your anchovies. We're outta here! PIP:   Alpha Centauri's sort of a funny name, don't you think? I mean, not ha-ha funny, but just sort of odd. Of course, alpha is the first letter of the greek alphabet, and omega is the last letter, giving rise to the phrase, "from the alpha to the omega." DOT:   Make him stop, I beg of you! I'll tell you anything. Just, please, make him stop! [Crying] PLOTZ: All right. She's had enough. Now, where did that refrigerator go with those plans? DOT:   What plans? PLOTZ: I'm tired of your stalling. Maybe this will persuade you to talk. DOT:   [Gasping]  My home! PLOTZ: Yes! The comedy planet. Where I'll put the Megastar to its first test. DOT:   You're going to destroy my planet, wiping out millions of people? PLOTZ: No. I'm going to screw up their TV reception! DOT:    You...are...sick! PLOTZ: Begin TV disruption. TV:    What's the deal with Pluto? Is it a dog, or is it a planet? I       gotta know! [Audience laughs] ANNOUNCER: We interrupt Spacefeld to present Ken Burns' "History of       Paddleball" in 127 parts. WOMAN: Dear Abner, your new game of paddle-the-ball is all the rage. I       think it may even replace the minuet. ALIEN: It--it's on every channel! PLANET: Nooooo! Make it stop! SLAPPY: Hey, what's goin' on? Somethin' awful has happened. PINKY: Narf! As though a million voices cried out in pain? SLAPPY: Worse. Scooby Doo's been pre-empted by a documentary on paddleball. WAKKO: It's the Megastar. BRAIN: Yes! SLAPPY: It's transmitting nothin' but deadly dull programmin'. Plotz is       beamin' this garbage everywhere. YAKKO: And he's sucking the humor right out of the universe. WAKKO: That monster! I'm going to stop him! SLAPPY: Whoa, kiddo. There's only one way to overcome your Plotz problem. WAKKO: How? SLAPPY: With comedy. WAKKO: What do you mean? {Slappy's theme} SLAPPY: If you're gonna save this galaxy, you'll need to study the schtick with the ancient guru of gags, Skippoda. SKIPPY: Easy is drama. Hard is comedy. Yes, yes. WAKKO: But, Skippoda, what is comedy? SKIPPY: All that is funny around us, it is. A better place it makes the universe. Yes. SLAPPY: Hurry it up, will ya, Skippy? We ain't got all day here. SKIPPY: Cranky, she is. My aunt Slappy, she is. WAKKO: Skippoda, I want to save my sister and defeat Girth Plotz! SKIPPY: Do not just concentrate on Plotz. You need to work on the jokes. WAKKO: What's this? SKIPPY: Big mallet, it is. Big comedy prop. WAKKO: Faboo! Is this how ya use it? Waagh! Ungh! Yagh! SKIPPY: Swing hard you must to get the big laugh. Now try. BRAIN: Oh, no!  [Wakko swings at him] Nooo! Ow! Ouch! Hey! Knock it off! SLAPPY: Now that's comedy. SKIPPY: Yes, feel the face. Be the face. Freeze the face. Gookie, it is. SLAPPY: The face is strong in this one. SKIPPY: Use the gookie. Defuse tense situations with humor. It works many times. Control the funny face, and you can save the galaxy. WAKKO: Thanks, Skippoda! SKIPPY: May the face be with you. CHAPTER THX: "THE POIT STRIKES BACK" In a quick segue to lengthen the story, Yakk Soho, Pinky-o, and Chewbooboo have been captured by the junk-food giant, Flabby the Butt. PINKY: Narf! I now present his Royal Bombosity, the ruler of all that is       edible, Flabby the Butt! MINERVA:I gotta get a new agent. YAKKO: Hey, quit shovin', will ya? BOO:   Bok-kaw! [gobbling] FLAVIO: Soho, you are my captive! YAKKO: Hey, flabby, nice chins. You look great. Have you lost weight? FLAVIO:  YAKKO: Okkay, a little touchy about the weight thing. I understand. FLAVIO: We had a deal, Soho! YAKKO: Now, Flabby, I can explain. FLAVIO: You promised to deliver a pizza to me-- ...in 30 parsecs or       less. YAKKO: Hey, come on, it was in the middle of a meteor shower. FLAVIO: You failed, and now you die! YAKKO: Seems a bit harsh, don't ya think? Why not just cut back on the tip? FLAVIO: Throw them into the pit of fear! [Creatures howling] BOO:   [Feebly]  Bok-kaw... YAKKO:  No, Flabby! Wait! I know it's late, but don't you still want your pizza? [Flabio slobbers] Neutron-hot, just the way ya like it! FLAVIO: Ah...okkay. YAKKO: You got it! [Shoots guards into pit] GUARDS: Aaagh! Aaagh! BALONEY:Ha ha ha ha ha! Will you be my special friends? Ha ha ha ha! [Guards screaming] YAKKO: Chewbooboo, don't forget. He wanted extra cheese! [Flavio screams] PINKY: Hoo-hah! Good show, Yakk Soho! YAKKO: Hello, Interplanetary Nurse! ... Napkin? To the Megastar! {Pinky & the Brain theme} BRAIN: This is it, Pinky-o, our moment of truth. Are you pondering what I'm pondering? PINKY: Um, I think so, Brain-2, but a show about two talking lab mice? Hoo! It'll never get on the air. BRAIN: No, Pinky-o. I have the plans to the Megastar. Once inside, we       will seize control and rule the galaxy! YAKKO: We're heeerrre! SNS:   General Plotz, ve haf begun transmission of boring programming throughout the cosmos. PLOTZ: Good. The process of removing all humor from the universe is       underway! SNS:   Your stupefying evil will prevail. PLOTZ: Let's hope so. SLAPPY: You guys go ahead. There's something I have to do alone. WAKKO: Are you going to face Girth Plotz in a one-on-one fight to the death? SLAPPY: Nah. I'm gonna use the little squirrels' room. Space travel really rattles my raisins. {Pinky & the Brain theme} NURSE: Say, isn't that the minifridge general Plotz has been looking for? SNS:   Gee, I don't know. Zat looks more like a bread maker. NURSE: Nononono. I have one of those. Maybe it's a crock pot. Or a space heater. SNS:   No. It's, eh, uh... BRAIN: A...floor polisher! NURSE: Huh? Oh, sure! That's it. SNS:   Ja! You is a floor polisher. PINKY: You are? BRAIN: Yes! And...my colleague and I have been assigned to polish all the floors in the Megastar! SNS:   Oh! Zat's nice. BRAIN: And we'll start by cleaning the coffee-stained floors of the very control room where Girth Plotz beams his programming to poor, unsuspecting planets. SNS:   Ja! Zat's a good place to start. Okkay. Bye-bye. Have ze       funzies, now. PINKY: And all this time, I thought we were robots. [Bop!] Guh! WAKKO: Hi. We've come to rescue you! DOT:   My brother! WAKKO: My sister! YAKKO: My siblings! WAKKO: My favorite martian! DOT:   My friend Flicka! YAKKO: My left foot! SNS:   My, my, my! [The Warners run screaming] {Slappy's theme} SLAPPY: My, what a relief that's over. Oof! Pardon me. PLOTZ: Excuse me. That voice. Slappy Wanna Nappy? SLAPPY: Girth Plotz! I haven't seen you since you took my cartoons off the air. PLOTZ: Yes! Because they made no sense! SLAPPY: No! Because you have no sense of humor! {Pinky & the Brain theme} BRAIN: The nerve center of the Megastar, Pinky-o. We made it! PINKY: Egad, Brain-2! Look! These heavy-traffic areas are horribly soiled. Zort! We'll never get them clean. BRAIN: We are not here to polish floors, Pinky-o. My dream of galactic rule is about to come true. Once I take control, the galaxy will bow down on its knees before me! PINKY: Oh, then we'll need to really work on these tough stains. No one wants dirty knees! PLOTZ: Grrrrrr! [Whaps Slappy] WAKKO: Nooooo! SLAPPY: Work it, kid. That's it. Go for the punch line. WAKKO: Hey. I thought you just died! SLAPPY: Nah. Dyin's too easy. It's comedy that's hard. PINKY: All set, Brain-2. BRAIN: Here we go. On 3...2...1...and... TV:    ...by 1911, paddleball had not yet reached Iceland-- BRAIN: Greetings. ALIENS: Huh? BRAIN: We interrupt this deadly dull program to bring you an important message. I am Brain-2-Me-2, the new ruler of your galaxy. ALIENS: Ohhh... WAKKO: Now what do I do? SKIPPY: Use the gookie. Defuse tense situations with humor. It works many times. PLOTZ: You've lost, Skylicker! The galaxy is mine! [Wakko makes a gookie] What is with that face? It's ridiculous. S-stop it. Stop it. No--no, really. It's the silliest thing i've ever seen! It's nutty! Stop! Oh-ho! Sto--ha ha ha ha! BRAIN: As your ruler, I will expect strict discipline and unwavering loyalty from all of my subjects. What are you doing? I'm in the middle of a broadcast! ALIENS: Huh? BRAIN: Go away, will you? That's highly annoying. ALIEN: [Laughing]  What's that guy doing? BRAIN: Will you please cease this silliness? ALIEN: [Laughing]  It's hilarious. ALIEN2: There's something funny on TV again! ALIENS: We're saved!! BRAIN: No, this is not a joke. Honestly, I'm--I'm in control. Ha ha ha       ha! I'm--I'm your new ruler-- ha ha ha ha! Really! [Laughing] Ah-ha-haaaa...never mind. [Everyone laughs and makes gookies] SLAPPY: Ah, like music to my ears. [Everyone on the planet laughing] SKIPPY: Good is the laughter. Yes. [Cheering] Y & W: May the Nurse be with you! BRAIN: Come, Pinky-o. We must catch the space shuttle back to our home planet of Acme and prepare for the next millennium. PINKY: Gee, Brain-2, what are we gonna do in the next millennium? BRAIN: The same thing we do every millennium, Pinky-o. Try to take over the galaxy! 3-Pinky, 3-Pinky and the Fridge, Fridge, Fridge, Fridge, Fridge! BRAIN: I am not a refrigerator. CHORUS: Da-da-da-dah!