The Shrink

You know what? I was afraid of it, I put it off for years and years, but I'm pretty glad I tried Italian food. Even though it's adding it's neat to take the train to lunch. Neat? I ride the train because I can't afford a car. Look at me! I'm next to this train man now. Take a picture of us looking sad together. My 3:30 meeting! Where is this train? It's late! That's part of the fun! I got to grab a cab. Excuse me, sir, would you mind if we took your taxi? We're a sweet, young newlywed couple, and we kind of expect the world to give us things. Good lord, you're so cute together! Get in there, you cuties! Good luck with everything. You see that cab in front of us? I gave it to that young couple. You're a good man. So, you want me to follow 'em? I do but there's no time. Oh, man, that woulda been you! You lucky dog. Oh, God! Oh, man! Now I'm having a heart attack, and you're not! Aah! Youluckydog. Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the American race oh, boy, it's swell to say Smith, your face! What's wrong? Oh. Are you still thinking about the people incinerated in that cab and how it could've been -- nay, should have -- been you? Oh, poo. It was way earlier today. Get over it, you big baby. You know what? I'm sending you to the C. I. A. therapist -- Dr. Ray. Isn't therapy more forcrazy people? Exclusively! You psycho. Therapy? I don't need therapy. I lived when I should have died. So what? Just goes to show, you never know. Exactly. I-it's like that skydiver whose parachute came detached, and then he fell in the swamp and died, and his parachute ended up landing at this school, but they'd already bought a parachute for their gym class, so they ended up with two parachutes. They only needed one. Jesus! And you're not safe at home, either. I heard about this one lady who put her electric blanket in the washing machine, and then it got stuck, and then she climbed in after it. So, a-anyway, she drowned. Nothing she could have done, though. Sometimes you're looking left when you should be looking right. I know! I was buying groceries today, and my coupons had somehow expired. Madness! All is madness! They let me use them, though, 'cause I go there a lot. And they know I'll throw a fit. I mean, I've seen death before -- tons of times. It -- it didn't bother me. This just felt so random. Would you have felt better if this couple had, say, died at your hands? Oh, so much. Well, we can't bring them back for you to take away. They're gone. But a lot of my patients find palpating small, soft animals gives them a sense of well-being. He's a little cold. This bunny has died. That was terrible. Why, uh why is everything terrible? Ah. Okay. Okay. Are you familiar with chaos theory? Carnival cruise line's award- winning hip-hop dance troupe? Yes. Give me your hand. Now, if I put a second drop in the same spot, which way will it go? The same way? Ow! That drop was acid. That's chaos theory. Well, I don't like it! Because you feel powerless and out of control. Tell me, have you ever worked with miniatures before? They can be a wonderful way to restore a sense of order amidst the chaos of life. What am I supposed to do with them? Anything. You're in control here. Could I put them here? Or eventhere? Wherever. This is ridiculous. They obviously belong in a train-yard set. And this guy needs a hat. There we go. This will make me feel better? It will. It really will. And I don't say that just because I own shares in a figurine company. Although that reminds me, you must use Thompson brand miniatures. Any other brand will damage your brain. It'll make you sick. That was the most mortifying wine-tasting party of my life. Beyond mortifying. You swore that gewuerztraminer wasn't a real wine. I called everyone liars! I set fire to the bed with all the coats on it! Gewuerztraminer doesn't mean anything in German! Well, I guess literally it means "spiced grape," but it's like, "What? That's nonsense. " We can never show our faces at another one of James and Barbra's wine-tasting parties. Wrong. We are gonna become wine experts. Ahh, go the other way with it -- learn something about wine. Then we'll bury our idiot friends with how many flavors we can notice. We'll become the classiest winos in all of Langley Falls. To celebrate, let's polish off this box of wine. To sophistication! Oh, mama, that is tiny. You got another package, Stan. Look, Francine, it's our house! I finally did the gutters like you've been hounding me about for six years! Well, your facial tic is gone. Is this helping you feel better? Oh, yeah. I've finally come to accept that I can't control the world out there. But this this is perfect. Okay. Because you've been missing work, and, well, it's been a lot of packages. The U. P. S. guy started making jokes about it -- good jokes. I think he might want to have an affair. Well, he has his thing, and I have mine. Look! It's our mailbox! Stan? Honey? Oh, my God. I had no idea it was so much. Now I know why we haven't been having sex. And why we won't be having sex. This is a bit of a turnoff. At least he went into work. Ah, a plastic book -- always halfway through. Beautiful morning, as always. Timmy, did you throw my paper in the bushes again? You little so and so! If he keeps doing this, I'm gonna be mad for real. Hello, constable George. Hello, grocer Joe. Some would say that you're just the constable model with a different paint job, but I know you're a separate, unique person. As he walks beneath the lamplight sun with a toothpick as a cane you can hear the girls exclaim Is that man insane? No! He'll live a lie but never die and that's a truth you can't deny he's the man that built the world in his basement What happened here? Hmm. Aah! Sorry, pal, but there's no room in this town for anything dangerously unbalanced! That's better. Everything's under control. Ahh, the trade winds. Dad? Dad? Huh. I guess he'snot here. Outta the way! I'm the garbage man! Gimme ya trash, ya losers! I'm in the union, and my pension is bankrupting the city! Everyone talks about how rich I am, but they have no idea. I hope you don't think me forward if I tell you you're lovely. Oh, you! May I steal a peck on the cheek? I'll let you hold my hand. And this guy here is bangin' a dog! Steve! You're killing me! Oh, my God! What was that? Ah, it's just Steve running from something terrifying. Come on, focus. Let's do this wine. It's a softball. It's made to be gotten. Work the grid, bro. Nose is clean. Lemon peel, dried rosebuds, burnt crinoline marzipan, cherry, peppery in the back -- no, wait, the front. I'm picking up something green. Not sure if it's olives or watermelon? Or a snake? Here we go. This wine is a new-world wine. This wine is from California. This wine is central coast. This wine is a Petit Sirah. This wine is from a high-quality producer, and it's 2008. It's milk. Oh, milk! Of course. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! How did you even get in there? Wasn't easy. To get up to the table, I had to build a pretty sophisticated elevator using an ingenious system of counterweights based on something I saw in Da Vinci's Diaries. No, I mean how did you get to be so small? Um, a shrink ray, uh-doy. Why? Because the outside world is flawed and chaotic. But down here, it's perfect. I've thought of absolutely everything. Well, it's absolutely crazy. I'm gonna make you big again right now. No! No, no! You don't know how to operate it! If you do it even slightly wrong, I'll end up 6'2", and I'll have to go into modeling. Okay, I'm gonna fine-tune the angstroms, bring the frequency way, way down, then you guys are gonna push this button right here. But before that -- double-cross! The double-cross! Damn it, Stan! I know, right? Hurry over to my Da Vinci elevator. You're gonna love it. Uhp, I should probably clarify -- it's not the Da Vinci you're thinking of. It's Leonardo Da Vinci, not Ron Da Vinci of Da Vinci Cadillac. Stan, not the shrink ray! But we need that. No, my sweet family. Everything we need is right here. I've taken all the fear and randomness of the world and shrunk away from it. Oh, there are so many wonderful things I want to show you, though your presence does introduce a host of chaotic variables. I may wind up having to contain you somehow. What's that? For the moment, please enjoy unlimited access with certain limitations. Stan, get us down to that machine and unshrink us immediately. Hold up. Wait till you've seen everything. And if you still don't like it here, I'll make us big again. I'll make us 1,000 feet tall if that's what you want. Normal size would be fine. Make up your mind. Like every good walking tour, this one starts with the post office. It's just like the regular post office, only no long lines! Oh, dad. Francine, recognize the shade on this red zone here? I used your nail polish! Oh, hey, Rita. You do know these aren't real people, right, Stan? They're Thompson brand. They're better than real. So, are we lovin' it? It's certainly consumed you. I love that you love it. I love us right now. Red, red wine It's Roger! Roger, save us! Red, red wine, you make me feel so fine monkey pack him rizla pon the sweet dep line red, red wine, you give me whole heap of zing whole heap of zing, make me do me own thing Oh, this is salvageable. Right here! Over here! Roger, no! Come back! Whoa, whoa. Was I not reading you right? You want to leave? Well, you're not giving it a chance. There are lots of fun things to do here. Like what? You look like a sporty bunch. Who's up for a little ice-skating? Ice-skating in July? That would be the most remarkable thing that's happened today. You'll see. You'll all see. This is a magical place where nothing can ever hurt us. This dude can skate! Aah! Well, hello. Oh. Right. It's just a doll. You're right, she is a doll -- a real angel. She is beauty, uh, uh, full. Uh, I-I-I-I feel tongue-tied and a little headache-y. That's infatuation, son. Also, we're on a big magnet right now. It's affecting your speech centers. How about you take your friend to see a show at the Bijou Theater? I put my iPad inside. It's playing "Welcome to the Dollhouse" on loop. Seemed like a funny idea, 'cause, you know. But that movie was not what I expected. I don't recommend it. Wow, how did you make the band shell? It looks like maybe a series of painted yogurt lids nested into concentric circles? Huh. That's a great idea. I just shrunk down a real band shell and stole it like Lex Luthor. What are these bushes? My topiaries? They're these peculiar little plants I found inside an altoids tin under the water heater. Hayley, are you all right? Leave me alone. I love it here. See, Francine? The kids love it here. But we can't stay. We -- we don't even have any food. We're gonna need food! I'll take you. We got plenty of food. Don't you smell it? You can always count on the ol' Zephyr dream to be on time. I set her speed to seven, and she does not fail me. Now get ready, 'cause we have to jump on. It doesn't stop? Uh, you can't program a toy train to make stops, Francine. I mean, I guess you can, but I-I didn't want to be one of those guys who gets too into miniatures. My God, Stan. It's beautiful. See that dam? There's a lake behind it where we get our drinking water -- my secret blend of half dasani, half downstairs bathroom. What is that? Oh, that? That's just Food Mountain! And what are we trudging through? Double-whipped mashed potatoes next to a ridge of ground beef, atop a bedrock of peas and carrots. Mmm, delicious. And look -- it's the 6:00 sunset. I'm kind of getting why you love it so much. There's everything we need here -- food, electricity, safe and fun giant ants. What? Why?! Why are they drawn to Food Mountain?! What's happening?! I didn't plan for this! We have to get to the shrink ray! It's our only way out! Oh, thank God you've come to your senses. In the basement of our model house, I've built an even smaller, more miniature town. We've got to shrink one more time! Dr. Ray! Stan. When I saw that the shrink ray had been checked out at work, I left immediately. I shrank down before I started the drive over, though, which was a mistake. But I had the device. How'd you get small? They don't call me "The Shrink Ray" because my name is Ray and I'm a shrink. Do they? In any case, I came with answers and solutions. Tell me! Tell me your solutions! Get on! It's complete chaos, Francine! Stan, you can't control it. Bad things are always gonna happen. Oh, God, I knew it. Wait. There's more. Uh, get to it. Say the thing. But you can control what you do after those bad things happen. And the best part of it is you don't have to do it alone. Who's gonna help me -- Dr. Ray? He's dead. We'll help you. Your family. Right. Whatever the world throws at me I can use my family to block it. I've got it! We're gonna get the shrink ray? There's no time. We've got to crash the train into the dam and flood the town. Kids! I need you to turn off the clock tower and then get to high ground! You might recognize it as the clock tower from "Back to the Future. " Well, almost that clock tower. It's just different enough. The people at Thompson know how to play the game. Okay! Steve, I know this is a long shot. I know, I know, I know, I know it. Butdo you have a chocolate lava cake on you? Okay, when the kids turn off the clock tower, there'll be more power for the train. Now, this might sound insane, but you're going to turn the speed up to 10. Can the system take it? I don't know. But it's like I've been saying since you just told me it -- sometimes you got to take a chance. It's not working. Whoa. Jump jumparoo! May God have mercy. Come on, Francine. There's the juice! Frankly, my ants, I don't give a -- dam! Shit. A bug-sized Stan. And yet I don't remember doing ether. But, then again, that's ether's signature move. Roger! See the ants? You have to smash the dam to flood the town and save Francine and the kids. Don't you want to hear about my return to the wine-tasting party? No! Well, we went, but it was the wrong night. Then we found James in bed with Barbra's sister, so it was kind of the right night. Now, let's smash this dam. Actually, now that we're all safe, you don't need to smash the -- Dam you to hell, you dyke! Good bye, tiny fake world, and actually dead Dr. Ray. It may all be gone, but with you guys by my side, I'm gonna be okay. Hey, gang, look, I just don't think I can pass up this opportunity. Into my body you go!