Born Again Krabs

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Born Again Krabs" from season three, which aired on October 4, 2003.

Plot
Squidward: (switches the 'open' sign to 'closed') Closing time. The happiest time of the day. (scene cuts to SpongeBob in the kitchen crying)

SpongeBob: Closing time. The saddest time of the day. (falls on the ground still crying) Huh? (notices an old Patty under the grill) It’s a Krabby Patty. (SpongeBob tries to pick it up but it's stuck to some gum) Eww...it’s cold and hard. (takes the Patty out from under the grill) This could have rolled under there years ago. (pats it on the head) There, there, little one, your journey is almost over. (SpongeBob throws the Patty in the trash. A siren goes off as a fishing line retrieves the patty)

Mr. Krabs: (runs in) What happened? (gasps then runs up to the trash can) Someone tried to throw away a patty! (takes it off the hook)

Pinch-o-matic: Pinch-o-matic has saved you 5.2 cents.

SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, I found that under the grill.

Mr. Krabs: And tomorrow a customer will find it under his bun. (hands it to SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: But, it’s old and cold and so very full of mold.

Mr. Krabs: You’re not to make another Patty until that one is sold. Understand?

Narrator: The next day.

SpongeBob: Order up, Squidward. (puts the tray with the old Patty in the burger on the window)

Squidward: Hooray. (smells the Patty then flips the top bun off) Uhh, SpongeBob, can I get one with less...fog?

SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward, Mr. Krabs' orders.

Squidward: Whatever. (hands the tray to the customer) Here you are, sir, one Krabby Patty. (Customer sniffs it and does a lot of back-flips out the restaurant, screaming. Scene cuts to the Krusty crew standing by the door)

Mr. Krabs: I don’t understand. We haven’t had a customer in weeks. I wonder if it’s the new place mats.

Squidward: What? Place mats? Have you lost your mind? It’s that old Patty you keep trying to sell to everybody! It’s gone bad.

Mr. Krabs: Gone bad? That’s nonsense. Bring it here, SpongeBob. (picks up the cage with the Patty inside it) Uhh, why is it in a cage?

SpongeBob: Because it growled at me. (Patty starts to growl and bark. Squidward hides behind Mr. Krabs)

Mr. Krabs: You two would have never have lasted in the navy. Let’s see how bad you are. (takes the Patty out of its cage but it still barks and growls) No...no... Stay... (throws a 'treat' into its mouth) Thatta girl! There, there. See? Good enough to eat. (about to eat it when an ambulance goes by) Oh, look, an ambulance. Now, then. (Takes a bite. Scene cuts to him, now green color, being rolled on a hospital bed) SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Make sure you wrap up that Patty, I’m not finished with it yet! (scene cuts to Mr. Krabs in a hospital bed)

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Well, Mr. Krabs, you gave us quite the scare.

Mr. Krabs: So I’m gonna be ok, doc?

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Well, if you don’t want to take my word for it, let’s just check your chart. (looks at the chart) Let’s see here. Hmmm...oh, no! (starts to shake) Oh, no, this is terrible! (drops the clipboard)

Mr. Krabs: Everything ok, doc?

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Don’t touch me! (runs out screaming)

Mr. Krabs: That’s not a good sign. (thunder roars as the room turns into green. The Flying Dutchman appears. Mr. Krabs pulls his covers over his head) Oh, no, it’s the Flying Dutchman!

Flying Dutchman: Eugene Krabs, your time has come.

Mr. Krabs: I’m not Eugene Krabs, I’m, uhh, Harold. Harold, uhh... (looks at the flower vase next to him) Flower!

Flying Dutchman: Oh, sorry. I must have the wrong room. (flies out) Excuse me, nurse?

Nurse: Yes?

Flying Dutchman: I'm looking for Eugene Krabs.

Nurse: Oh, he's in that room right there.

Flying Dutchman: No, that's Harold Flower’s room.

Nurse: Harold Flower? (Flying Dutchman goes back to Mr. Krabs in anger)

Flying Dutchman: So, Krabs, you thought you could fool the Flying Dutchman?

Mr. Krabs: What do you want from me?

Flying Dutchman: I’m here to escort you to the resting place of all bad undersea folk: Davy Jones' locker!

Mr. Krabs: Davy Jones' locker? Why do I have to go there? I’m not a bad crab!

Flying Dutchman: Ah, but you were cheap, and being cheap is a terrible thing. Next stop, Davy Jones' locker! (scene cuts to Davey Jones' locker where Flying Dutchman and Mr. Krabs reappear) Here we are.

Mr. Krabs: (smells something nasty) Blec! Why does it smell so foul?

Flying Dutchman: Davy Jones works out a lot. (opens the locker where a bunch of smelly socks are) These are his socks. Get in!

Mr. Krabs: (gets on his knees) Oh, please, Mr. Dutchman, I don’t want to go in there! I’ll do anything! Please, give me another chance!

Flying Dutchman: Come on, Krabs, show a little dignity.

Mr. Krabs: Mommy!

Flying Dutchman: Alright, alright, stop your crying. I’ll give you another chance, but you must always be generous, never cheap.

Mr. Krabs: You have me word as a sailor. (scene cuts to the Krusty Krab where a sign hangs over it that says 'Out of Business')

Squidward: (looking through Mr. Krabs desk drawers) Mr. Krabs' nose hair clippers. I could use these. (SpongeBob is wearing his hat and spatula, crying)

SpongeBob: Squidward, you shouldn’t be going through Mr. Krabs' belongings. (sniffs) He won’t like it.

Squidward: SpongeBob, I told you what the doctor said. Mr. Krabs isn’t coming back. (tries to open the safe) Now, keep quiet so I can hear the tumblers in his safe. (Mr. Krabs walks in)

Mr. Krabs: Hey boys! (SpongeBob screams with joy)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! I knew it, he’s alive! (clings to Mr. Krabs) Squidward, look, it’s Mr. Krabs! Isn’t this too good to be true?

Squidward: Well, it was.

Mr. Krabs: You know, boys, being sick made me do a lot of thinking. My whole life has been about money. Saving money, collecting money, touching money... Well, you get the picture. But no more. You’re looking at the new, improved, non-cheap Mr. Krabs. (scene cuts to outside the Krusty Krab where a giant 'Grand Re-Opening' sign is hanging. 'Buy' and 'Free' sign are in the window) Welcome all, welcome! (a little kid walks up to Krabs) Hello, little one. What you got there?

Kid: A Krabby Patty.

Mr. Krabs: (laughs) Of course, you do! You know what that means, right?

Kid: I don’t go hungry?

Mr. Krabs: No, silly! It means free toy! (gives the kid a little toy)

Kid: Gee, thanks, Mr. Krabs. I thought you were a cheap, old tightwad.

Mr. Krabs: I was, son, I was. Free toys for everyone! And free refills! (everyone cheers. Mr. Krabs runs up to SpongeBob) Hello boy! Say, where’s Squidward?

SpongeBob: Oh, he’s taking one of those break things in your office, I mean, the 'employee lounge'. (scene cuts to Squidward sleeping in Mr. Krabs office)

Mr. Krabs: Great!

Customer #1: Excuse me, but I dropped my Krabby Patty. Could I get another one?

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Yes sir. (takes the patty and lifts the top bun where a disclaimer, written in ketchup, is shown) Krusty Krab policy clearly states that once the burger has reached the customer, it is his/her responsibility...

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! (puts down the bun) That’s the old policy. Now run back and bring out a fresh one.

SpongeBob: Aye, aye, sir. (goes into the kitchen)

Mr. Krabs: Sorry about the confusion. (pulls out a toy) Free toy? (woman takes it)

Squidward: Eugene, my man.

Mr. Krabs: Squidward! How’s the break coming?

Squidward: Should be over in a couple of hours. Have SpongeBob send back a patty and an iced tea, will you? (walks off)

Mr. Krabs: Sure thing, Squidward. Take it easy. (walks up to a customer watching a movie) Are you enjoying your in-meal movie?

Customer #2: This movie hasn’t even been in the theaters yet!

Mr. Krabs: No expense spared for my valued customers. (scene cuts to Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob standing in front of the restaurant) Look at all those happy faces. It sure does feel good to be generous.

Squidward: (walks in with some envelope) Here’s your mail, Eugene.

Mr. Krabs: Thanks, Squidward. You look rested.

Squidward: Yeah, these naps at work are doing wonders for me.

Mr. Krabs: Credit card bills. Well, I knew this was coming. (opens the envelope) Only ten thousand dollars. That’s not so bad. (runs up to the cash register) I’ll just subtract it from today’s profit. (opens the register but there is no money in it) And...there’s no money in here. (laughs) How delightful.

SpongeBob: Squidward, I’m worried about Mr. Krabs.

Squidward: Me too, how are we going to get paid? (both walk up to Mr. Krabs) Gee, Mr. Krabs, you sure are taking total bankruptcy well.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, it’s just a bad dream. I’ll wake up soon. (SpongeBob and Squidward look at each other)

Squidward: Uhh...dream?

Mr. Krabs: Sure. I’m still in the hospital sleeping like a baby!

SpongeBob: Umm, you checked out of the hospital this morning.

Squidward: Here’s the bill. (gives Mr. Krabs the bill)

Mr. Krabs: You mean...I’m awake? (screams as his head cracks through the middle over and over. Each time he cracks his head open, a new one appears. He runs up to a customer drinking a soda and grabs it from him) No free refills! (takes it to the soda machine and the drink gets sucked back into it. Then he runs up to two kids playing with toys) Give me back them toys, you freeloaders! (takes the toys then runs over to a guy watching the movie) Show’s over, cheapskate! (turns the TV off then presses a button that erases his memory of the movie)

Customer #3: Hey, it’s my lucky day, a penny! (reaches for the penny)

Mr. Krabs: Your luck just ran out. (grabs a hold of the customer’s arm)

Customer #3: Hey man, ease back, you’re crushing my arm.

Mr. Krabs: Unhand that penny, or the arm comes off. (Flying Dutchman reappears. The customer runs away)

Flying Dutchman: A-ha! That little display of parsimonious penny pinching just earned you a nice little spot in Davy Jones' locker for eternity!

Mr. Krabs: I’m not cheap, I’m generous!

Squidward: You almost tore a man’s arm off for a penny.

Mr. Krabs: Thanks, Squidward, I knew I could count on you. (Flying Dutchman picks up Mr. Krabs) Well, a deal’s a deal. Let’s go.

SpongeBob: Wait just a burger-flipping second. (Flying Dutchman turns around)

Flying Dutchman: Who dares back-sass the Flying Dutchman?

SpongeBob: That would be me: SpongeBob BacksassPants. I say you got the wrong crab. This Mr. Krabs is the most generous, big-hearted, non-skinflinted crab in the whole sea.

Flying Dutchman: He’d sell your soul for a couple of bucks.

SpongeBob: I’d bet my soul he wouldn’t.

Flying Dutchman: You got yourself a bet. Ok, Krabs, I’ll let you stay, but first, help me settle a bet. If you had to choose between SpongeBob and all the money I have in my pocket, which would you take?

Mr. Krabs: That depends, how much money we talking about?

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!

Flying Dutchman: (shows money) Sixty-two cents.

Mr. Krabs: I’ll take the money.

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!

Flying Dutchman: Here you go, Krabs. 62 cents. (hands him the change and picks up SpongeBob) Next stop: Davy Jones' locker! (SpongeBob screams as they both disappear)

Mr. Krabs: Look, Squidward, money!

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but how could you trade SpongeBob for sixty-two cents?

Mr. Krabs: You think I could’ve gotten more?

Squidward: He stuck up for you and you sold him out. You should be ashamed of yourself!

Mr. Krabs: Oh, what have I done? (cries) I want another chance! I didn’t learn anything! I lost me best fry cook. I don’t want this foul money. (throws the change on the ground) I want SpongeBob back! (Flying Dutchman reappears and drops SpongeBob on the floor)

Flying Dutchman: Here, take him back.

Mr. Krabs: You heard what I said about the money?

Flying Dutchman: Heard what you said? I couldn’t hear myself thinking with this one around. I only had him for thirty seconds. (scene cuts to SpongeBob and Flying Dutchman at Davy Jones' locker with SpongeBob talking a lot) And it’s jellyfishing this and Mermaid Man that. Why, not giving him back is a fate worse than death! He’s your problem now. (disappears)

Mr. Krabs: Heh, about trading you for pocket change...

SpongeBob: Say no more, Mr. Krabs. You did it for the Krusty Krab. I would have done the same thing.

Mr. Krabs: You would have?

SpongeBob: No. (all laugh. Scene cuts to the Flying Dutchman sitting on a chair, reading a book until the phone rings)

Flying Dutchman: Dutchman’s residence. (SpongeBob is on the other end talking a lot. Flying Dutchman groans)