Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin

Previously on: So, what happened between you and your girl? She wanted to get married, and I'm just not sure I'm ready. That's the same reason I lost Lyndsey. You got to get her back. Don't make the same mistake I did. I am gonna ask Lyndsey to marry me. Yeah, I just have to get a ring. I got a ring you could have. You must be here to see your friend Larry, who is also here. Lyndsey MacElroy, will you marry me? Yes, I will marry you! What's going on down here? I got up to pee and I heard moaning. No, you heard crying. And moaning. You're watching porn at 3:00 in the morning? No, it's that soft-core flick that Lyndsey made back in the '90s, Cinnamon's Buns. Nothing brings me back like hearing her fake an orgasm. Oh, listen, I know that breakups are hard, but Uh, please tell me those were for crying. Oh, yes, yes, uh, yes. Uh, uh, crying, yes, very upset, very upset, yes. Wow, you know, you're a classy guy, Alan. It's hard to understand why she accepted Larry's proposal and not yours. Technically, I never actually proposed. What? Well, when I got there he was already doing it, so I just figured I'd chalk this one up as another loss and move on. Come on, you're exaggerating. You have not had 12 victories. Yes, I have. Uh, my son, plus the number of years I've lived here rent-free. I can't believe you just stood there while another guy proposed to your girl and you didn't say anything. There's nothing I can do about it. Larry's the one frosting her muffins now. Have we learned nothing from Cinnamon's Buns? She told Master Baker no five times! Did he listen? No! No, the only reason Lyndsey settled for Larry is 'cause she didn't know she could settle for you! You're right. I mean, you're a handsome billionaire, and you settled for me. She's just a-a-a divorced, middle-aged lush of my dreams. That's the spirit! Now, get up and wash your hands and burn this couch, and go get your surprisingly flexible girlfriend back. You're right, you're right. Thanks, Walden. Oh, Master Baker, would you like to watch while I train this lovely young maiden to churn your butter? Maybe one more scene. This is a pivotal part of the film. You might need this. This scene's a real tear jerker. Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah. Men. Hey, Berta, how about a cup of coffee? No, thanks, I just had a cup. I don't know why you keep her on payroll. Says the guy I pay to be my assistant. Oh, oh, that's still a thing? Oh, oh, cup of joe coming right up, boss. Hey, what are you doing there? I'm making breakfast in bed for Brooke. Hey, what tastes good on boobs? Pineapple rings are always fun. Yeah. You get the room nice and cold, and you play ring toss. Yeah, and with Brooke's bad boys, you could Hey. Omaha! Omaha! What? Hmm? Nothing. We weren't talking about your boobs. Why not? You stare at 'em enough. What? I don't I never I'm sorry. Where are you going? I got to get to work. You can't leave-- breakfast sex is the most important meal of the day. Sorry. Mwa! I'll call you later, okay, babe? No worries. Call me whenever you can. Oh, God, she's dumping me. What are you talking about? Didn't you just hear that? She's "going to work. " Okay, I know no one in this house is familiar with it, but "going to work" is an actual thing. It's kind of like "paying rent". It's not just that, it's it's been forever since we've had sex. Well, how long is forever? Two days! I hate you. Come on, you and Brooke are great together. She's not breaking up with you. Uh, then again, maybe she is slipping away, and you're just gonna have to face the possibility of being alone for the rest of your life. Oh, my God! What the hell's the matter with you? Why would you say that to her? I'm just trying to prepare her for-for the harsh realities of real life. I mean, who else is gonna do it, her father? He's dead, Walden! Why are you even here? I thought you were gonna go win Lyndsey back. It's early. I want to win her back, but I don't want to spend the whole day with her. Alan. Lyndsey MacElroy, I love you. You are my world. I want you to spend the rest of your life with me. And Walden. You're-you're kidding, right? I'm engaged to Larry. That's not fair. I mean, if I hadn't stopped at that gas station to poop, I would have been here first. Alan, don't. Maybe this will change your mind. Oh, Alan, it doesn't matter what kind of ring Holy crap, that thing's huge! That's what she said. I know, not the right time. What do you say? I say I'm marrying Larry. But why? He loves me. Not as much as I do. He has his own house. I love you. I'm sorry, Alan. You-you really think Larry can make you happier than I can? I think I made the right decision. You made your bed. Now let's have sex in it. Alan. Good-bye. All right. Twenty-five. Alan. Hi, Judith. What are you doing here? Oh, God, what did Jake do? Please tell me the Army didn't let him drive a tank again. No, no, nothing's wrong with Jake. Well, nothing new wrong. Then what's going on? Is everything okay? Uh, it's just that I've been having a really rough day, and I needed to see a friendly face. And you picked me? There's that friendly face. I'm sorry. Why don't you come on in. I just opened a bottle of wine. Thanks. Wait. You don't need money, do you? No, not at all. Okay, good. Wait, are you offering? Whoa, nice blanket. What's with the cat lady starter kit? It's my bad-news blanket. My mom gave it to me when I was a kid. I know what you're saying. I have a bad-news bong. And a good-news bong. And a watching-the-news bong. I guess what I'm saying is, I like to get high. This about Brooke? She blew me off again. She was supposed to come over after work, but she said she was tired. Not having sex with me must be exhausting. Look Jenny, in any relationship, it's normal for there to be a lull in the bedroom after a while. Does the sex come back? You're cute. But it does help if you do romantic stuff. Like what? Surprise her. Be spontaneous. Let her know that you appreciate her. I guess I could send flowers to her work. Ugh! That's so gay. Well, these are the kinds of things we have to do as a relationship evolves. See, sex becomes companionship, and companionship becomes commitment. Commitment becomes complacency, which gives way to contempt. Until you find yourself longing for the sweet release of death. Yikes. I'm gonna go get my bad-news bong. Oh, my God, oh, my God. Uh, you remember, uh, Jake's seventh grade science project? Wait, which seventh grade? Second time. Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah. Um, he wanted to study how different foods would make his farts smell. Oh, yeah! He'd rip one in Tupperware, seal it and label it. Mm. To this day, I still remember Brussels sprouts. Yes. Oh, Brussels sprouts. Ugh! Most parents make their kids eat vegetables. We made ours stop. Yeah. Right. And then he got rickets. Oh oh, it's been a crazy ride, hasn't it? Yeah. Mm. Hey can I ask you something? Oh, here we go. How much? No, no, not that. What's wrong with me? Oh, Alan. I don't carry around a list of your faults. My therapist said it's no longer healthy. I'm-I'm serious. I mean, it seems like every relationship I've ever been in I've screwed up. Oh. Look, a marriage doesn't fail because of one person screwing up. I screwed up two marriages. Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right-- you're a two-time loser. Uh, but at least I have Walden; I mean, you've got nobody. Oh, we're being honest now? Herb's penis is bigger than yours. I'd forgotten how good you are at this. Ha-ha I have missed you. I mean, you know, not the constant verbal abuse that left me a crippled shell of a man. But we could always make each other laugh. Oh. You could never find my G-spot, but you could always find my funny bone. Aw Oh I'm just kidding. I've missed you, too. Mm-hmm. Mmm Oh, yeah, this is, uh This is probably a bad idea. Definitely. Yeah, yeah. Oh. Let's look for that G-spot. Or how about you look for mine? Mmm. Mmm. Oh, God. What did we do? Mmm. Oh, God, what did I do? Men. Men. Come on. God. What did we do last night? More! Oh, God. Oh. Oh. Well, well, well, someone never made it home last night. Am I speaking with an engaged man? I think you might be. That's great. Hey, what'd Lyndsey say when you showed her the ring? That thing is huge. That's what she said. That's what I said! She also said she's staying with Larry. What? I thought you said you were engaged. I am. To Judith. What, your ex-wife? Whoa. What the hell happened? Well, it's all kind of sketchy. We had a lot to drink. Well, I-I've had a lot to drink before, but I've never got engaged to my ex-wife. Okay, maybe I'm being selfish, but I'd like to talk about me right now. Jindsey? Hmm? Ludith. Will you Larry me? Let me ask you something. Um, do you think Judith would be more upset, uh, to wake up and find she's engaged to me, or to wake up and find she's missing a finger? Okay, look, I'm sure that she got tipsy and caught up in the moment, too, and if you're just honest with her, she'll probably be relieved. What if she isn't? I mean, how do I get her to want out of marrying me? Be yourself? Worked before. Hey, you. Um, uh, listen, uh, we should we should really talk about last night. Absolutely, but I need to say something first. Things are going to be different this time. I'm not going to make the same mistakes I made before. And I'm going to start by showing you how much I appreciate you every single day. Oh, that's really sweet, but we really should talk about Who we should invite to the wedding! Hey. Hi. Guess what. I'm taking your advice, and I'm surprising Brooke with a romantic evening. Good. You know, I know that's not easy for you. Your dad was the same way. His idea of romance was a warm washcloth, cab fare and a bottle of penicillin. Aw! So my dad wasn't just a drunken, diseased man-whore. He was a gentleman. Charlie would be so happy to see his little girl now. Of course, he'd be even more happy to see the rack on his little girl's girlfriend. Does she have nice boobs? I've never noticed. Hey. Oh, hey. How'd it go with Judith? She take it okay? Uh, well, uh, you know, she uh, she It was a a little hard for her to swallow. Um Well, I'm just glad you talked to her. Can I get my ring back? Uh, funny story. Um she kind of kept it, and we're kind of getting married. Alan, I thought you were gonna talk to her. Uh, I did. Uh, we came to an oral agreement. Oh! Alan! It's my weakness. That and red velvet anything. Wait. Wait. This is the same woman that you said was so evil that her image didn't show up in your wedding pictures. I only said that because, at the time, I thought she was the worst person I'd ever met, and she made my life a living hell. But, you know, people change. It's gonna be great. So, Zippy's moving out, and he's going to be miserable. So you have been listening. Oh. Oh, say, dinner was great, Judith. Thank you for inviting me over. Of course. You're Alan's best friend. Actually, you're Alan's only friend. It's funny 'cause it's true. Oh, honey, uh, could you pass the potatoes, please? Oh, I think you've already had plenty, doughboy. Mm. Ah-ha. Well, I have to say, I was shocked when Alan told me you were getting married again. Oh, you were shocked? There was a time when just the thought of being touched by his tiny, clammy hands again made me throw up in my mouth a little. That's all ancient history. Yeah, if ancient history was last Thursday. Oh, isn't she great? No! She's treating you like crap. The only people that get to do that are people that do it out of love, like me and Berta and your mom. Okay, fine. Me and Berta. Okay. Me. It's harmless. It's just Judith being funny. Did did you just twitch? No, I was just talking about how funny Judith is. Okay, look me in the eye and tell me how much you love Judith without twitching. Fine. I love Judith. There, I said it. Alan. You cannot marry this woman. You deserve better. I mean, not much better, but better. You know who I deserve? I deserve Lyndsey, but I can't have her. She's marrying somebody else, so I'm taking what I can get. That's what I do. I'm a love scavenger. You're also a house scavenger and a money scavenger and an underwear scavenger. But that doesn't mean you have to settle. Yes, it does. I don't want to die alone. Maybe you don't realize it, but there aren't a lot of people who want to spend the rest of their lives with me. Oh, no, I realize it! Brooke, really, we can get a hotel for the night. No, no, no, Dad. It's fine. I'll sleep on the couch, and you guys stay in my room. Surprise! Who's this? Uh, Mom, Dad, this is, um my girlfriend, Jenny. It's a pleasure to meet you! I like her. Oh, hey, I was thinking, now that Jake's gone Mm? - I can turn his room into my man-cave. You know, a pinball machine, flat-screen TV, potter's wheel. No, that's not going to happen. Oh, you have plans for it? No, I'm just not letting you get another potter's wheel. Judith, I have to say, I cannot take my eyes off of that ring. I know. When I first saw it, I thought it was as fake as the orgasms I used to have when we were married. That's true. Very unsatisfactory lover. But I mean, what woman could say no to this? I can think of one. Can you think of one, Alan? Uh, what's going on? Oh, nothing. I'm just glad that you were there to pick up the pieces after Lyndsey turned down Alan's proposal. What?! You proposed to her before me? Uh, well, technically, uh, what I Oh, you didn't know? This is awkward. Open mouth, remove pie, insert foot. So, I'm your second choice?! No, d-doesn't matter who was second. Uh, y-you were the first to say yes! I will be the first to say yes to seconds of this pie. You are unbelievable! No, the important thing is that we found each other again. And you're willing to settle for me, and I'm willing to settle for you. Settle for this. Oh! God! I'm a good friend. Men. Hey. How's it going? Good. Thanks again for the potter's wheel. It's the least I could do. I cost you a wife. I'm just glad you, uh, came to your senses. Yeah, I was just scared. Didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone. Hey, as long as I'm around, you'll never be alone. Ah, thanks, buddy. Oh, shoot. Aah! Oh, here. Let me help you out with that. Oh. Thank God, it was just a dream. Are you okay, baby? Did you have a nightmare? I got to get him out of here.