Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play

(SINGING) The Simpsons

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(HORN BELLOWING)

(PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

D'oh!

(EXCLAIMING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(GROANS)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(WHIMPERING)

Uh...

(BEEPING)

(SCREAMS)

(BOTTLE SHATTERS)

(GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

(SIGHS)

Hmm?

(SCREAMS)

Narrator: We now return to Hunch.

There's your murderer.

Are you sure, Hunch? How do you know?

Uh? Something about his hair. I don't know.

How did we miss that? Get him!

Hey. Come on.

Ah, you did it again, Hunch. Let's go grab a bite.

You know what I'm in the mood for?

Could it be turkey?

But how did you. .. Ah!

It's amazing they've gotten 512 shows out of this premise.

Remember when we saw Hunch's butt in the shower?

That was two seasons ago.

Now you can only see butts on cable.

This is Kent Brockman with an lsotope baseball update.

The 'Topes are in first place since the acquisition of homerun king, Buck Mitchell.

Uh!

Thanks to him, Springfield is once again overrun with fair-weather fans.

The lsotopes are winning? To the bandwagon!

Nothing beats a day at the ballpark with my family.

Tickets! Tickets! Who needs tickets!

Homer, we need those tickets to get in.

Don't worry. I'll use the money I make to buy tickets from a scalper.

And I'll sell those tickets and we'll be rich. Rich!

We did it, baby! We made it through the rain.

Tickets, $30, big game. Everybody wants to see the game.

Oh, cop! Act like you're in love with me.

(GROANS)

Man: Peanuts! $5 peanuts!

You want to know something, Bart?

Nah. I know enough.

I myself played in this ballpark back in 1940-deuce.

That was during the war when sushi was called liberty logs, and no one had ever heard of it.

But, Grampa, in 1942, they only played women's baseball here.

Ha, ha. Let's just say one of the ladies had some extra equipment.

I was the center fielder for the Springfield Floozies.

The pay wasn't much, but it kept me out of the war for a year.

Effie Lou is a man!

Get him. He could threaten my record for lady triples.

That was a magical summer.

How'd I get here?

ANNOUNCER. Now, to sing our national anthem, Payola recording artist, Tabitha Vixx!

Marge: She's married to Buck Mitchell.

I bet that's why she's here tonight honoring America.

Oh, say can you see.

By the dawn's early light.

And now here's something from my new album.

I'm trouble-istic.

Stay away, boy 'Cause you know I'm trouble-istic.

Think you can control me?

You ain't being realistic

(GROANS)

Moe: Hey, Buck!

How does it feel knowing your wife's turning on a creep like me?

Weird, I bet! Ha, ha!

Trouble-istic girl makes your troubulations grow.

Double trouble-istic when you try to tell me, "no"

Trouble, trouble Oh, yeah.

Trouble.

And the home of the.

Brave

(CROWD CHEERING)

She just embarrassed me in front of the entire Tornado Belt League.

Ahhh!

Announcer: So next up for the Cosmos, Freddy Alvarado.

Freddy, of course, the older brother of the famous Wolf Boy of Juárez, Mexico.

Here's the pitch.

(GASPING)

And Buck Mitchell can't find the handle.

That's an E3 if you're keeping score at home.

And if you are, your loneliness saddens me.

It's okay, Buck. Bad hop! Bad hop!

(CROWD CHEERS)

(CROWD GASPS)

Yank it off, Buck!

(CROWD CHEERS)

(CROWD GASPS)

You suck!

I concur!

Bart, hand me that sack of batteries.

9-volt, double A, D, D, D, cordless drill!

Announcer: Job himself never had a tougher day at the ballpark than Buck Mitchell.

He's made six errors, struck out twice and swallowed a bee.

(CROWD GASPS)

Man: My fiancée!

(CROWD BOOS)

They're making a mockery out of Amerisnet.com Troll Doll Night.

You know what to do, Duffman.

Oh, yeah. Time for the Duff Triple-Malt Kiss-Cam!

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Duffman.

Woman: And then he kissed me.

And then he kissed me

Look, it's a thing.

Next time I saw him I couldn't wait to see him again.

I wanted to let him know...

We both find public displays of affection vulgar.

Come on, Doc. She's a fine-looking woman. You don't want to work that?

I didn't know just what to do.

So, I whispered...

Homer? Homer, now we have to kiss.

The big TV is telling us to.

Look at that ugly old man.

That's you.

(WAILING)

Gimme a kiss, Homie!

Really? You'd kiss an ugly old man like me?

Only if he'll kiss me back.

Woman: And then he kissed me

(CROWD CHEERING)

And then he kissed me.

And then he kissed me

(CROWD CHEERING)

Yeah, Homer. Suck that face!

(LAUGHING) Remember when we used to kiss like that, Carl?

With our respective girlfriends.

Yeah. I wonder where Jill and Kelly are now.

I heard Jill died. Kelly, I think, is a prostitute.

Hmm.

What a game!

I got on the Kiss-Cam, I participated in the wave and I got to pee in a trough.

Marge, can we get a trough?

For the last time, no!

Ohhh, iced tea.

(GROANS)

(SLURPING)

Homer: Mmm.

Hey, that was my iced tea. I just sweetened it to my liking.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, Buck Mitchell!

Ooh, the baseball-playing man.

I barely recognize you without your costume on.

Evening, ma'am.

I couldn't help seeing you two exchanging marital kisses tonight.

Yes, yes. The game you played so horribly at.

Well, unfortunately, my marriage ain't so good.

Oh! I never heard anything about it on the gossip shows or the blogosphere, or in my supermarket checkout magazine.

(GROANS)

I was wondering if you and the mister could give us some marriage counseling.

You know, in return, I can give you season tickets.

Season tickets? I could entertain business clients.

I might even land the Henderson account.

Uh... Homer, can I see you in the kitchen?

Sure.

That means she wants to talk in private.

It's probably about you.

Homie, I don't think our marriage is so Jim Dandy, that we should be counseling others.

Hey, we've gone through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together.

Hmm. Well, we have managed to squeeze a lot of fun out of married life.

Ha-ha. That's just how I feel.

Whoo-hoo!

See, that's what I want, carefree intimacy with no edge of resentment.

Buck Mitchell!

Buck, I guess we can help you out.

We'll start tomorrow.

Hey, Buck, Buck, Buck. It's me.

The weird guy from the stadium.

Uh, there were a lot of weird guys at the stadium tonight.

You know, I remembered you.

Buck, Tabitha, welcome.

We'll start your first marriage counseling session as soon as Homer gets here.

Sorry I'm late. I was just gathering my counseling equipment.

(STRAINING)

(WATER RUNNING)

Meh.

Uh...

Now, let's remember no one's right and no one's wrong till I say so.

Ha! I think what Homer means is why don't you tell us what each of you feels is the problem?

Well, I'm an old-fashioned guy, you know. And when we got hitched, I just assumed she'd give up her international recording career to focus on my minor league baseball dreams.

Wow, I think we've really hit on something here.

Unfortunately, we're out of time.

How does that make you feel?

Shut up. My 10:00's here.

Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, Homer, please.

Uh... Let's see here.

Uh!

Here's something the book's previous owner underlined.

"Be honest with your partner about what you're feeling."

I don't want to waste any more time in a mismatched marriage.

Hmm.

"Try to frame criticisms of your spouse in a positive way."

Well, I'm positively sick of her shaking her lady parts for the whole world to eyeball.

Interesting. Interesting.

(PEN SQUEAKING)

Buck, you've got a beautiful woman with a hot body that any man would fantasize about, even while making love to his own Marge.

Aw. Thank you, Homer.

Maybe we should stop here.

Good idea, honey.

Buck, would you mind signing a couple of baseballs for my boy?

Uh. Yeah. Sure.

Just sign your name above President Lincoln's.

Isn't it weird that our parents are giving marital advice?

They're always fighting.

If you listen closely, you can hear them arguing right now.

Homer: And I say a monkey can mow our lawn!

This house is spectacular!

You must've had a great view of the riots.

I stole a rack of fur coats.

I sell one a year to pay for Christmas.

You make me laugh, Homer.

Why? Because I'm fat?

Okay.

Tonight, we're gonna discuss little ways to keep your romance alive, make time for each other, an hour, an evening, a mini-vacation.

Well, I am presenting at the ESPY Awards next week.

And I'm receiving. Hey, we can wait for our limos together.

Or, take the same limo!

Both: Ohhh!

(BOTH GROANING)

Buck: Mmm. Oh, yeah.

Like I always say, compromise is the key.

I always say that.

Let's compromise and say nobody said it.

Uh!

Announcer: And here's the pitch to Buck Mitchell.

It's going, going...

And like America 's credibility on the world stage, that ball is gone!

Booyah!

Buck Mitchell is back and sluggier than ever!

With five homeruns in two nights, he's ended rumors of early retirement and inspired rumors of steroid abuse!

But I've heard this turnaround is due to the marriage counseling of Marge and Homer Simpson, seen in this file photo.

Homer, I'm proud of you.

You've prolonged this celebrity marriage at least through playoff season.

After that, who gives a hobo's crap? Am I right?

I'm a girl who loves a man.

And we live in sexy, marriage land.

Sexy, marriage land.

Oh, marriage.

Sexy marriage land

Wow. I've got this sudden urge to give her $5 bill.

That's it. We're out of here.

Huh?

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hey, Tabitha, great show!

I liked that part where you mentioned Springfield.

Did you know that's where you are?

Hey, why don't you stay and have a bite?

Ohhh, You're so hot.

If only I'd seen you before I met my wife.

Oh, Homer, you're sweet, but...

Oh, you're talking to the chicken.

Don't tell the hamburger in my car.

Listen, these shows always tense me up.

While your fingers are greasy, could you give me a neck rub?

Well, okay.

So, why didn't you marry one of your crummy backup dancers?

Nah. They're day laborers. We pick them up in the Home Depot parking lot.

Oh, yeah.

Ohhh! That's it, right there.

Ohhh!

Ohhh, yes! Yes. Yes. It feels so good!

Ohhh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Tabitha: Oh, Oh... Yes!

Homer: (MOANING)

Homer: Whoa! Thank God I brought protection.

I used to be so embarrassed buying these.

Homer Simpson? You're supposed to be my marriage counselor!

I did workbook pages for you.

D'oh!

Oh, we're gonna have a lot to talk about at your three o'clock.

There ain't gonna be a three o'clock.

Cancellations require 24 hours' notice.

Hmm.

And that's why Lou Gehrig was a selfish crybaby who deserved to die.

Springfield, let's hear from you.

Moe: Uh, yeah. I got a question.

How come Buck Mitchell's game is in the toilet, again?

Well, rumor has it his marriage is failing due to the inept counseling of Homer and Marge Simpson.

Ugh. I knew it. I knew it! So, do I win a Jock Squawk T-shirt?

Uh, no. Sorry.

It don't need no writing on it.

It don't even have to be clean.

Is this Moe?

What happened to that bumper sticker we gave you?

Uh, it's holding in my hernia.

(STRAINING)

Dad, because you and Mom screwed up Buck Mitchell's marriage, some kids beat me up at school today.

Yeah, they beat me up at work.

Look at the words they wrote on my skull.

(GASPS) Oh, Papa.

I didn't want you to learn that word this way.

Marge, we gotta get Buck and Tabitha back together.

This is the most important case of our careers.

Listen, bub. We are out of the marriage counseling business.

And the only one you should be giving chicken grease neck rubs to is me!

But not me, because I think they're disgusting!

Oh! So, now we're judging each other based on things we've done!

Real fair! Class act!

I'm going back to the stadium to bring those two kids back together.

And I'll do it with or without you.

Then I guess you'll do it without me.

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, but I wanted to do it with you!

Crossed arms mean no.

(STRAINING)

Ooh!

(STRAINING)

(EXHALES)

Homer: (STRAINING)

Marge: Mmmm-mmm.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Tabitha, what a coincidence!

I was just thinking sad thoughts about you.

I came to tell you I'm leaving Buck.

Uh? What? No! No!

What? Uh? No! Uh? What?

Buck and I don't belong together.

Don't give up on Buck.

There must be something about him that attracted you in the first place.

Well, yeah.

He was the first man who didn’t just like me for my body.

He always complimented me on my hair.

Ooh! Your standing lamp is dirty, I'll polish it!

(MOANING)

Ohhh!

Cancel all my appointments.

Let's go.

Announcer: So, here comes Buck Mitchell in a spot every kid dreams of, where a sacrifice fly could lead his minor league team to a wildcard spot.

(CROWD CHEERS)

And there's the Duff blimp.

With a special message from Tabitha to Buck.

Said Zeppelin has a whole lotta love.

It's working. Buck's buying my fake message.

And you said it would never work.

No. I said, "Duffman will do what you want!

"Stop kicking and punching Duffman!"

I'm whacking this for you, baby!

Announcer: And he sends one into the slug-o-sphere.

It going, going...

(AIR HISSING)

My sister's friend!

(STRAINING)

Tabitha! Tabitha! Oh! This is the worst blimp crash ever!

TOO SOON!

Where are ya, sweetie?

Uh... Uh... She was here a minute ago. She must be pooping.

Hey, you're lying. This whole stunt was a lie.

Get him. He ruined mini bat day.

Crowd: Yeah! Get him!

Leave him alone.

All he did was try to help a young couple find their way.

Does he really deserve to get strung up for that?

(MOURNFUL ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Cut that out.

Duffman, gives the people what they want!

Weren't you just tied up in the blimp?

Three Duffmen are working the game tonight.

Don't tell the children. It's disillusioning!

Duffman! Duffman! Duffman! Duffman!

Marriage is hard work.

But it's worth it when you've got someone wonderful like I do.

Crowd: Aw!

Buck, I love you, too, and I'll take you back if you can guess tonight's attendance.

Crowd: D! C! A! B! A! A!

B! No, A!

Let's see, um...

B. No, no, no, A. No, no. Oh, man, man!

It's C, as in, "keeping together."

Which is what I want to do.

Well, Homer, it looks like my marriage is going into extra innings.

Great. But enough of the baseball analogies.

They sicken me. No problem.

Now, m'lady, your carriage awaits.

Ah, ain't love grand, Tito?

Hey, man, I don't care! Bandits just kidnapped my mother!

Just found out.