How Spider-Man 3 Should Have Ended


 * (Special mention must go to how Sandman's transformation would have gone had the sand-mutation scientists just done their jobs properly:)
 * Scientist 1: There's a change in the silicone mass.
 * Scientist 2: Yeah, it's probably just a bird.
 * Scientist 3: Here's a bright idea: Why don't you make SURE it's a bird before you mutate the crap out of something just because you were too lazy to safely run this nighttime sand-mutation experiment?
 * Scientist 2: Ugh, fine. [safety barrier is lifted, looks out into the pit] That is a big bird down there...kind of looks like a guy. Oh, wait, it IS a guy down there!
 * [cut to Flint Marco being put in a police van]
 * Flint: You- you don't understand! I have a daughter, she's sick! That makes it okay for me to break the law! I'm not a bad person!


 * (Peter tells Aunt May that he's going to ask Mary-Jane to marry him. She tells him that this reminds her of a long, boring story about his uncle, that will only make him feel guilty and make the wrong decisions in life.)


 * (Harry Osborn's butler FINALLY decides to tell him the truth about his father's death, and how it is apparent that Spider-Man didn't kill him. Harry immediately fires him for knowing this the whole time and picking now to tell him.)
 * Butler: I thought this would be the best time to tell you the truth.
 * Harry: I TOOK A GRENADE TO THE FACE, DUDE!


 * (The entire conversation between Venom and Spidey near the end, filled to the BRIM with Lampshade Hanging and Spidey being completely Genre Savvy:)
 * Venom: [takes off symbiote mask to reveal Eddie Brock's face] Hey, Parker.
 * Spider-Man: Eddie! ...wait, why do you have a scary Venom face if you're just gonna peel it back when you talk?
 * Venom: Because this way I get more face time!
 * Spider-Man: That's lame.
 * Venom: YOU'RE lame! And now I'm gonna kill your girlfriend!
 * Spider-Man: [completely unfettered] Oh, there's a big surprise. Out of all the dastardly plots you could put together, you wanna threaten my girlfriend. Just like EVERY other villain I've encountered.
 * Venom: Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it!
 * Spider-Man: Seriously? You rush in here like you can take ME? This is my third movie! Spider-Man TRES, amigo! You think they're gonna kill me off!? NO! Look, do you know of ANY movies where they kill the title character off at the end?
 * Venom: Donnie Darko...Old Yeller...Romeo & Juliet...
 * Spider-Man: Yeah. I didn't think so.
 * Harry: [flying to where the climatic battle is taking place] Hang on, Pete! I'm *coming for ya, ol' buddy, ol' pal, ol' friend!
 * Spider-Man: I'm just saying. There's only one way this is going to go down. It happens every time. We'll fight for a bit, you'll tear my mask. But in the end, I'm just gonna leap out of the way, and you're gonna do something that makes you kill yourself!
 * Venom: Or maybe I'm just gonna kill you and your girlfriend, because I'm awesome and you've met your match!
 * Scientist 2: [releases bird] Fly away, pretty bird. No sand mutation for you tonight.
 * Harry: Oh, I can't wait to help my best friend in the whole wide world!
 * Spider-Man: I promise you! Things are already in motion! You still have a chance to walk away here!
 * Harry: Here I come, Pete! I'll help ya save the day! No matter what, I'll help ya— BIIIRD!! [gets hit in the face by the bird the scientist just released, and crashes into the construction frame. Pumpkin bombs go flying from the glider]
 * Venom: Quit talking like you're in control, Parker! You're just a bug trapped in the web I—
 * Spider-Man: Aaand leap... [jumps out of the way of the pumpkin bombs]
 * Venom: Aw, dang, he was telling the truth. [gets blown up]


 * (Batman and Superman see Peter, acting like a douchebag thanks to the Symbiote, strutting past the café:)
 * Superman: What the heck was that?
 * Batman: Peter Parker just did a Saturday Night Fever strut across our window.
 * Superman: I know, but...why?
 * Batman: I'm not sure. But I was afraid something like this would happen.
 * Superman: What do you mean?
 * Batman: Uh, have you seen this?
 * [Batman shows Supes a video on his Bat-phone of Spidey doing an extremely camp dance to a dance remix of the 1960's theme]
 * Superman: Ugghh... [facepalm]


 * (Mary-Jane's reason for breaking up with Peter? He cries too much.)
 * Mary Jane: "SPIDER-MAN! SPIDER-MAN! HE'S THE MAAAN WITH THE PLAAAAAAN!"