You've Got Hate Mail

Can I get a carrot cake? A whole cake? I'm having dinner with Lola and her parents. So you're getting carrot cake? Isn't that a little cliche? Rabbits? Carrots? Here's your carrot cake. You know, on second thought, I think I'll get a lemon meringue pie instead. Ooh. That sounds good. Can I get a sample of that? I'm sorry. We don't give samples. What? How do I know if I want it if I can't sample it first? Come on. Just give me a little taste. Here you go. What is the big deal? I'm talking about a teeny little taste. No one would know. What, do you think I'm going to shove my whole hand in it? You think I'm going to rub my face in it and ruin it for everyone else? Well, I wouldn't do that! I would take a teeny little taste and then decide if I wanted it. Mmm. And I don't. You know what? I'll take the carrot cake after all. - What are you writing? - Do you mind? And why do you smell like a lemon meringue pie? When are you done? I need attention! I said give me 5 minutes! - How do you work your TV? - Shh. Someone's in a mood. Am I an apple or a pear-shape? Be quiet! Pear. What were you writing? An email to my boss telling him everything I can't stand about him, why he's a complete idiot, and how he's a terrible manager, and I hope he gets fired. You sent that to your boss? No, I wrote it to my boss, but I'm not going to send it. I'm going to delete it. Much better. I don't get it. I mean, why would you go to all the trouble to spell words and put them in sentences and then delete it? It's a way to release anger and vent your feelings without any repercussions. I do it all the time. Believe me, I've deleted plenty of emails to you. Come on. Let's go to dinner. What? I'm a pear! The skirt draws the eye to my trim waistline and away from my generous hip area. I'll give it back. Bugs, this carrot cake is delicious. You know what's delicious? Lemon meringue pie. Have you ever had a lemon meringue pie? I haven't had a lemon meringue pie in years. But let's not dwell on what you don't have. Let's be thankful for what you do. To bugs! And his second-rate dessert. I am so happy that Lola found you. No matter where I hide, she always does. You know, when Lola was a little girl, her only companion was an imaginary friend. She used to talk to her for hours. What was her name? Lola, what was the name of your imaginary friend? Well, if you're going to be like that, I'm not going to invite you to dinner anymore. Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. I was just having a conversation with Piper. Piper! So, Mr. Bunny. Walter. Walter. That's quite a family photo. Isn't it fun? We take one every year. Wow. Matching pajamas. I have a great idea. Bugs should be in our family photo this year. - What a splendid idea! - Wonderful. Oh, no. I couldn't. It's just for family. Don't be silly. You are family! Yeah. Besides, Piper's in all of them. What do you say? Ehh Ok. - No way. - What? But you just said, "Ehh, ok. " I'll look stupid. First of all, you could never look stupid. Second of all, this photo isn't about looks, it's about family. And third of all, did that carrot cake make your stomach feel a little weird? Do we really need to wear matching outfits? That's what makes it fun! Please? I promise, I will never, ever ask you for another favor. - Fine. - Yay! Oh, quick favor. Can you drive Piper home? She lives really close. Piper, you good back there, you want to sit up front? She's good back there. Whatcha writing? A hate-filled email. Sounds healthy. Anddone! Finally sent your little email? Oho, I didn't send it. That's the beauty of this little psychological exercise. I get to express all of my rage and jealousy, bitterness and disgust, without a single negative repercussion. How so? Because instead of pressing "Send," I simply press delete. Oh, no! How do I get it back? Do something! Get it back! Get it back! Relax. Who'd you send it to? Who'd I send it to? I don't think that many people. You didn't send that to me, did you? What? No. What bad things could I say about you? I love you. So, if I checked my email right now, there'd be nothing from you. Nope. Yah! Ha! Delete! I mean, see? There was no email! Uh My tooth! What? It's not like you're about to take a family photo. Oof. You really did a number on this guy. But we'll put a cap on it. You'll be good as new. What a relief. I have to be in my girlfriend's family photo later today. Today? You're kidding me. A tooth the size of yours? It's a monster. It'll take a week at least. Maybe I could smile with my mouth closed. Uh, that doesn't look so bad. By the way, I got your friend's email. He's a real yutz, between you and me. Did you read it? It's very hostile. I don't like hostility in a doctor's practice. Psst! What's with the sunglasses? I'm keeping a low profile. You've got some nerve. What? Because of the email? Because I said you're not a scary witch? You're not! I mean, what's the point of the big hat and the green skin and that stupid wand if you're not going to do anything scary with them? You want to see scary? I'll show you scary. You better watch who you talking to, - and I ain't playing! - Aah! More iced tea? Not too much ice. You're mad? Why are you mad? Because I said calling yourself speedy sounds braggy? It does! I don't call myself handsome. You know what people should call you? Jerk. Why is everyone so mad at you? I accidentally sent a mass email spelling out in great detail how I feel about people. Who else did you send it to? Everybody. Everyone I've ever interacted with. Everyone who matters to me, who I have a relationship with. Anyone who makes any impression on me at all. So everybody. Every single person in my life. You didn't send it to me. Huh. Tina! Hold it right there! I got your little email. I read every word. And I gots just one thing to say to you thank you, brother. You are so right. It was like you held a mirror up to my soul. It gave me the kick in the pants I needed to finally make a change for the better. Well, say good-bye to the man you once knew, because my transformation begins now. That was a mask? Huh. I wonder if Tina will have a similar reaction. Mother. Hey, Bugs. Oh, hey, Lola. I'll be down in a minute. Oh, take your time. I'm just going to lay out some fun stuff for today's photo shoot. It's a Western theme. Piper and I were up all night bedazzling matching denim jumpsuits. Well, they're not actual denim jumpsuits 'cause I couldn't find denim jumpsuits. So I took jeans and sewed denim jackets to them. And--well, they're a little hard to get in and out of, so, you know, once you have them on, they're pretty much on. Oh, I'm so excited! This is going to be the best family photo ever. Oh! What happened to your tooth? Oh, yeah. Daffy accidentally chipped it with my phone. They can't fix it until next week. Oh, so is this what we're wearing? Huh? Oh, no. Mmm. No, no. Heh. No, we cancelled the photo. We cancelled it. Um, this stuff was all here when I got here, just lying out when I got here. Must be Daffy's. You cancelled the photo? You know, I just started thinking. Family photos are dumb. You don't-- you don't need a photo to know who's in your family, right? You know already for your whole life. You know who your family is. It's because of my tooth, isn't it? What? No. Your tooth? No. We're just-- we're not taking a photo this year. So you don't want me to be in the photo because of my tooth. What? Don't be ridiculous. I barely even noticed your broken, gnarled, really jacked-up tooth. I'm going to be in that photo. Oh, no, you're not. You don't even know where we're taking it, and you'll never find us. Who are you calling? Walter! Bugs. So looking forward to the family photo. Where are we taking it again? Oh, no, you're not. Oh, that's right, the dude ranch! See you there, pardner. Ah, pardner. You are not going to be in that photo! Oh, I'm going to be in that photo! And not only am I going to be in it, I'm going to be smiling so big-- All you'll see is-- This broken, gnarled, jacked-up tooth! Good afternoon, neighbor! Sam? Could I get 100 copies? Reward for a lost wallet? The wallet is the reward. Can you ever forgive me? I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you! I mean, I'm sure I'd date again. Who knows? Maybe I'd meet somebody better. What are you talking about? - The email. - What email? You didn't get my email this morning? No, I've been here since 6:00. My boss doubled my shift. I didn't even get a lunch break. My phone's dead. I left my charger at home. And I'm still here another 3 hours. That's great! I mean, uh, I'm so sorry for you, my one true love. Mwah. Yes! Yes! Yes! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, yeah! Bugs! Twice in one day. To what do I owe the pleasure? I need to borrow some cowboy clothes for a photo I'm taking. Photo? With your choppers all jacked up? I'm kind of in a hurry. Oh, absolutely! There's more where that came from. I don't wear it anymore. Uh, thanks. Have a great rest of your day! Explain to me what we're doing here. I need you to help me break into Tina's apartment and delete the email. You didn't think I was important enough to send the email to, and now, you want my help? You're on your own. Porky, if you help me with this, I promise, I will send you a long, detailed email describing everything I don't like about you. You promise? Porky, I am nothing if not a man of principle. Now, let's break into this apartment. Aah! Where are Bugs and Lola? Get in the car! We're taking the picture somewhere else! - Where's Bugs? - What? Oh, he--he fell down a well. - What? - Come on! Hey! Change of plans. Hyah! Come on! Aah! It's asking me for a password. Who has a password on their computer? What could her password be? Hmm. It's usually something personal. What's her mother's maiden name? Mmm. Does she have a pet? Hmm. Do you know her favorite color? Hmm. - What city was she born in? - Mmm. Do you know anything about her? Hmm I think her name's Tina, but I'm not 100%. So a lot of times, I just call her buddy. Surprise! Buddy. What are you doing here? I, uh--I know what a hard day you've had, so we came over to make you dinner. You know Porky's a caterer, right? This is weird. You're just tired from your day. Come with me. You take a hot bath. We'll make you dinner. You have to make her dinner. What am I supposed to make? I don't know. You're the caterer. I have to figure out her password. Darling? I hate to bother you while you're soaking, but what was your mother's maiden name? Romano. Why? Uh, I just wanted to write her a thank-you note for giving birth to you. Well, how come you want her maiden name? Oh. Well, I didn't want your father to open it by mistake, because I want to send him a separate thank-you note. Keep soaking! - There's no food in here! - Get creative! Turn yourself into a hot dog, if you have to! Romano. Bingo. I'm in. Here it is. It's still unread. Michael? Who's Michael? "Dear Tina, I can't wait to see you again. I miss you and love you"? What are you doing? - Who's Michael? - What? Do not play dumb with me. I read the email from Michael. Michael's my brother. You met him? Oh, right. - What's this? - Don't look at that. Is this the email you were talking about? I can't look! Man, this is long. Foghorn, Speedy Whoa. You really laid into those gophers. Oh. Here we go. "I know I've said a lot of terrible things "about a lot of terrible people, but I've saved the terriblest for my girlfriend Tina. " "I have known many deranged people in my life, but I've never encountered the kind of "profound mental instability that she possesses. Tina Russo is a psychopath. " It's worse than I thought. "She may have everyone else fooled, "but I know the truth. "Why else would the kindest, most beautiful, "generous, and intelligent woman in the world go out with someone like me?" - I love you. - What? You're not going to kill me? Ehh. Call me crazy. Actually, I called you a psychopath. Now, where's my catered dinner? Bugs! You got out of the well! - What? - Oh, but your tooth is all jacked up! You're not getting in this photo! Oh, I'm getting in that photo! I knew I'd get in that photo. Andsend. Oh! I deleted it! Was that your apology email? Nah. It was something I promised I'd send to Porky. I bet he forgot all about it. Besides, I don't need to apologize to anyone. Ever heard of the expression "Time heals all wounds"? Oh, hey, grandma. Oof. You'll be all right. Time will heal that. I loved this book. When Alex stood in front of Rebecca's front door-- Oh! And he didn't have the courage to knock? Oh! Heartbreaking. I--I was sobbing. Yosemite, what did you think of Alex? Excuse me for just a moment. - So good, really. - I really loved it. You want to know what I think of Alex? Well, I think he's pathetic! I mean, that's your protagonist? There's no arc to that character! What obstacle did he overcome? What was his emotional journey? In fact, the only thing that's more pathetic than Alex is this book club! Now, get out! Get! Get! And don't forget your books! Yosemite Sam is back! Yee-haw!