Uncle Teddy

Linda: Oh, boy!

Ah! Minutes away from a hotel weekend!

You almost done, Teddy?

Oh, right.

The big burger meet-up.

Yup. The first annual gathering of the North Atlantic Burger Lovers.

It's also the first gathering of Bob and Linda's privates, in a hotel room, in years.

(cackles)

Uh-huh.

That and BurgerBob finally gets to meet all his friends from the message board.

Who's BurgerBob?

Me.

It's my online handle.

So, just went with the first idea, huh?

Where's the sitter?

She's supposed to be here by now.

I wanted to go over stuff.

(phone line ringing)

Hello?

Jen, it's Linda Belcher.

Did you forget you're watching the kids this weekend?

No. Uh... wait.

Yeah, I must have, because I'm in France with my family.

Good-bye, Linda.

Crap! Jen's in France.

What are we gonna do?

Gayle already said she can't watch the kids 'cause she's fostering a baby chick.

Well, there's gotta be someone who can watch the kids.

I'm someone.

Well, we could call your cousin Vanessa.

She's in a cult.

What, people in a cult can't babysit?

I'm not in a cult.

Aw, come on.

There's gotta be someone we're not thinking of.

What about the checker from the grocery store?

She said the kids were cute that one time.

Oh, she smells awful!

I think your kids are cute.

I'd love to watch your kids.

Teddy, have you ever babysat before?

Nope.

I bet I'd be good at it.

And I wouldn't charge you guys anything.

Uh, I don't...

I don't think that...

All right! Let's hit the friggin' road!

What do you think of my walk?

I'm trying something a little different.

It's bold.

Mm, mm.

Whoa. Looks like Reggie's Deli has a new delivery boy.

♪

(engine revs, tires squeal)

Tina: Cold cuts just got hot.

Welcome home, kids.

How was your day?

Teddy?! What are you doing here?

You're not Jen.

I'm, uh, watching you children while your mommy and daddy are out of town.

Why are you babysitting?

'Cause it'll be fun.

How much are they paying you?

Nothing.

Really? Yikes.

Uh, we'll be doing many fun things this weekend, including dinner, roughhousing... not too rough... brushing teeth and going to bed.

Think of me as the cool uncle you never had.

Maybe call me T.J.

Probably not.

So... what kind of TV are we gonna watch?

I don't know.

Do you like The Mentalist?

Who likes The Mentalist?

Hands are going up.

Hands are not going up.

Uh... oh, boy.

This isn't going like I thought it would.

Bob: Hello.

We have a reservation under "Belcher."

Or maybe under "BurgerBob," my online name.

Yes. Are you folks here for the burger conference, I'm assuming...

BurgerBob?

We... definitely are, yes.

Okay. Mm.

As well as a little hubby and wife getaway.

You know, bubble baths and just touchin'... feelin'... lovin'... room service... chocolate... wink, wink.

Oh...

Sorry, we don't have those things.

Oh.

But the welcome cocktail party starts now in the Sunset Lounge and your name badge is good for a complimentary drink.

Wonderful.

Now, I did want to ask: Do you have a fax machine?

We don't have a fax machine, either.

(groans) I wanted to fax this to the kids.

Mmm...

Now what?

Can't fax.

All right. We'll just do it Monday. We'll do it...

Yeah, Monday it'll have to be.

That's where it's all gonna happen.

Mm. A little small, a little rinky-dink, huh?

Except for that tub of mayo.

Gross.

It's bad.

What?

It's a bad attitude.

Hey, JustGrillin'.

I-It's me, BurgerBob.

Oh. Hey.

Linda, this is JustGrillin', he's one of the guys on the burger forum.

Hi, JustGrillin'. We're chillin' with JustGrillin'.

(chuckles)

Yeah, that's my wife.

So, we're just gonna drop our bags off in the room. We'll catch you and the gang at the welcome party.

Yeah... okay.

Isn't BurgerBob the guy you were talking about?

Yes. Oh, my God. I got to text BeeferSutherland.

Ah, back from the bathroom.

Was there a lull? What's going on? What are we doing?

Just watching TV.

All right. So... no takers on checkers?

Or Chinese checkers?

No checkers for me tonight.

Okay, I'm just gonna fix the kitchen sink.

I noticed it's draining kind of slow.

Have fun.

What'd you say?

Oh, I said, "Ha-Have..."

I think we just said, "Have fun."

We'll-we'll be here. Yeah.

Oh, okay.

What you got there?

Oh, this? A plumber's snake.

To clear out the pipe.

(whirring) Whoa!

Oh.

What's the holdup with those chips?

Whoa, what am I looking at?

♪ There's a clog in there ♪ ♪ And it could be underwear. ♪

What will it find?

Goop? Probably some goop.

Hey, guys, what are we doing for dinner?

Oh, I know. How about sandwiches from Reggie's Deli?

Great. I'll pick them up. Bye.

Hey, Reggie.

Four sandwiches, please.

You got it.

Uh, what you want on them?

What?

Uh, you know, I need to know cheeses, meats.

That sort of thing.

Oh, uh, surprise me.

Okay.

That for here or to go?

Um, for delivery?

Delivery? But you're here.

Just make the sandwiches, Reggie.

Okay, I-I'm making it, making the sandwiches.

It's okay. Here we go.

Here we go.

Hey, Jonas, you got another delivery.

Mm, mm, mm.

Jonas.

Cool keyboard.

My brother uses his to make fart sounds.

(groans)

It's not a keyboard.

It's a melodica.

But, hey, why am I talking about it, when I could be doing this?

(playing melodica)

Well, get a melod-a-you.

See ya.

Back at my house!

That's where your next delivery is.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on.

If I'm delivering this to your house, why don't you just hop on?

That's a good idea that I never thought of until you just said it.

(quietly): It's happening.

You don't have to hold me so tight.

Oh, this isn't tight.

I'm so hungry, I'm so hungry. Food's here!

And, Teddy, I don't know if this will interest you, but Tina is riding on a death machine with a stranger.

Tina, what are you doing on the back of a motorbike?

It's okay. I wore a helmet.

Right, but still.

Just seems like it's a gray area between bicycle and motorcycle.

I don't know how I should react.

(quietly): Ground her.

And give me all of her stuff.

Next time, put a helmet on the food.

My sandwich top is askew! Askew!

Well, come on up soon, Tina.

It's dinnertime.

(sarcastically): Psh, cool dad.

Oh, thanks, but he's not my dad.

He's a regular in our restaurant, and he's watching us for the weekend 'cause my parents are out of town.

Wait, wait, wait.

Your parents are out of town and you've got your very own restaurant?

You're a really good listener.

We should have a gathering here.

Tonight.

We should?

Uh, of course we should.

I don't think I'm allowed to have a party.

It's a gathering.

Where like-minded young adults come together and just gather, you know?

I guess I know.

I'll be there, right?

That's not too bad, right?

Uh-huh.

I'll bring my hair.

Yeah.

Okay. I punch out in an hour.

60 minutes.

And I'll tell my friends to swing by.

Um, okay.

Hey, you good at catching things?

Not really.

Well, get good, so you can catch this.

(kissing sound, blows)

Caught it. No, wait, I think I dropped it.

See ya! Damn it. Won't start.

(grunts)

Don't look at me.

(grunts)

I'll try not to. No promises.

You know, these people are more than just online usernames that I share burger tips with.

It's a community.

They're my people.

Okay, save it for your friends, honey.

Hey, Beefgeek. You look exactly like I thought you would.

Meatcute! There she is!

(muttering)

Oh, not a hugger.

That's fine.

So here we are, finally getting together in person.

Party started! You know what we should do?

Shots! I'll get 'em!

Don't let him ruin your weekend.

No, no, I'm gonna say something.

Hey! BeeferSutherland, it's me, BurgerBob!

So where's your oversized luggage?

What?

What-what are you talking about?

Because you must have needed the world's biggest suitcase to lug your gigantic balls here.

Beefer, I'm totally lost here.

I'm saying it took big balls to show up at this conference.

Big balls!

Big balls? I-I don't have those.

Why wouldn't I show up here?

Maybe because all your posts are either crapping on us amateurs or you're bragging about your flashy restaurant.

That's crazy. I-I don't...

I don't do that. Mm-hmm.

I asked how to get rust off a cast-iron skillet. And you say, "Don't let it get rust in the first place." All caps!

What a jerk.

I was just kidding around.

Then why didn't you write "LOL" or "JK" or use an emoticon?

Oh, I-I don't know how to use those things.

Oh, come on!

And trust me, my-my restaurant isn't flashy.

We've got a funeral home on one side of us and I think on the other side is a guy that sells indoor outhouses.

I bought one of those!

Oh. Why?

Because it's cheaper than... Never mind.

Let's get out of here before BurgerBob yells at us with his caps lock key.

Wait, I... Blocked.

(humming) Oh, hey, where'd everyone go?

Nobody likes me.

Sure, they do.

Have a shot. You'll feel better.

I don't feel like a shot, Lin.

No, do a shot. It makes you more fun. People'll like you.

I don't want to do shots.

I paid for five shots, we're doing five shots.

Go. Wolf it.

(gulping)

Ooh, we hooked something big.

(sniffs)

You smell that? It's vile.

Yeah.

But so vile you want to suck it into your lungs, right?

(inhales deeply)

Ah, you gettin' that?

(inhales)

Ah! (grunting)

What is that, sulfur?

Is that Satan?

It's putting up a fight.

(grunts) Give me a hand here.

(all grunting)

Ah!

It's magnificent.

Ah...

It really is. Tina!

We're bonding like crazy in here.

Be part of it.

Oh, yeah. That's great.

So, I'm gonna go down to the restaurant and do some homework.

It's Friday night.

It's time to party.

Grab the bathroom scale... let's weigh this thing.

Maybe after I knock out this pesky homework, huh?

What are you, a bookworm? Huh? Have fun.

Who wants to taste it?

Me!

And then I want to name it and raise it like it's our own.

Tina: Maybe they won't come.

Maybe that's for the best.

I really do have homework to do.

Hey, little girl, psst. You.

It's Tina.

Right.

Well, uh, come on in.

I'm totally comfortable with having you all here.

(scoffs)

This place is kind of lame, right?

Yeah, let's get out of here.

Great gathering, Jonas.

It's the leaky gazebo all over again.

No, wait.

Hey. Free burgers isn't lame, right?

Um, I'm really not allowed to light the grill by myself.

I could go for a cheeseburger.

Cheeseburger for Marco, Tina? Huh?

Uh...

Huh?

(sighs)

Okay.

I'll fire up the grill.

Cool, cool. Oh, hey.

Did someone order some tunes?

I don't think so. An-Anyone order tu...

(playing melodica)

Oh, you were just...

I'm likable.

Yeah...

I know I am!

No, you have friends.

The kids like me, Teddy likes me.

Right, Teddy.

Teddy likes you.

My dad hates me.

Not that again.

Uh, what the...

They just threw an olive at me.

(laughter) You can't get away from my olives.

Bobby, screw those burger nerds.

Let's go check out the Jacuzzi.

It's open till 9:45...

(sighs) That's nice.

Isn't it? See?

Even if we don't have room service or a fax machine and everyone at the hotel hates you, we can still have a romantic getaway.

Oh, no, not you guys.

Come on, Beefer, let's just come back later.

And let BurgerBob win? No way.

I showered and everything.

We'll just sit here and wait.

Well, you're gonna be waiting a long time, 'cause we're just getting comfy. Myeh, myeh, myeh.

Uh, yeah.

This Jacuzzi is for... members of the Jacuzzi forum only.

That's not a thing.

You just made that up.

No, I didn't.

And you are blocked.

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Whoo! ♪ ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la- la-la-la-la-la-la-la. ♪

A nice thick layer of chocolate squares make up the base.

A couple of handfuls of crushed pretzels.

Top it all off with marshmallows, and...

Whoa!

Voila!

Teddy Brulee.

Finally, arson and food together!

Hey, Teddy, can I play with that blowtorch?

I just want to inspect it, you know, learn about it.

Yeah, sure. Here you go.

(melodica playing)

Hold on. You hear that?

Nope.

Sounds like an accordion but worse?

Nope, in your head.

Nope, it's something downstairs.

No, in your head upstairs.

(playing off-key)

Sorry, folks, private party.

Yeah? I-I think we're on the list.

Right, Tina?

Uh... yeah.

Tina, Tina, Tina.

You're supposed to be the good one.

Somewhere there's a convenience store parking lot worried sick about these teens.

Tina, come on, you're putting me in a tough spot.

I'm sure you're not allowed to have friends down here this late at night.

Dude, with that kind of attitude, you're only going to raise your blood pressure to unsafe levels.

Don't lecture me about my blood pressure!

I'm predisposed to like salty foods.

Out! Everybody out of my friend's restaurant!

Oh, my God.

Teddy, could you embarrass me any more?

Oh, that's a great question, and the answer is yes.

Please start.

Please start.

(grunting, engine starts)

Oh, thank God.

Let's just go to the cove.

The cove?

It's the cove by the lighthouse.

Come by if you want.

I know that place.

It's the cove by the lighthouse.

And, uh, hey, if you come, uh, bring some burgers with you?

Here's a little one.

Got it.

Little mouth burger.

We just got our goop baby to sleep and we have to come downstairs to deal with this?

We are very disappointed.

Tina, I have no idea what's gotten into you.

You can't stop what's happening.

Jonas likes me and he invited me out with his friends, and I want to go!

Sorry, Tina.

You're 13 years old, it's 9:00, you're in for the night.

My temporary house, my temporary rules.

You don't like it?

There's the door that you can't go out!

I hate your temporary rules!

Shh-shh-shh- shh-shh.

You're not my dad, Teddy.

Or my mom. Or my uncle.

And I don't think you're my godfather.

I don't think I have one.

I'm coming, Jonas!

You're right, box.

The ladder did install in less than 30 seconds.

(winded): Hey, guys.

I made it.

Now it's a party.

And I brought burgers.

Nice!

Not from our restaurant, 'cause I couldn't get the key.

Hey, that melodica's not gonna play itself.

Oh, yeah.

No. No.

Oh, great.

Clay: No, no, no...

(playing off-key)

Wow, it's almost like music.

(phone ringing)

Belcher residence.

Teddy, it's Bob.

Wait, I called your cell phone.

Why'd you say Belcher residence?

(spits)

Just to be respectful.

How's the conference going?

Uh, it's... complicated.

How's it going over there?

It's complicated.

What? Teddy, I can say it's complicated.

You can't say it's complicated.

You're watching my kids.

Sorry, Bob.

So is it complicated, Teddy?

No, it's great.

You want to talk to the kids?

Eh, not really.

You sure?

No, yeah.

I can put 'em on.

Yeah, go...

Yeah, all right.

Okay.

(snores)

Louise is asleep.

Gene's asleep.

And Tina's... aah!

Asleep.

Uh, Tina's asleep, Bobby.

All right, well, let her sleep.

Okay.

We'll talk to them in the morning.

All right, well, I'll...

I'll happily put on Tina if you want to talk to her right now, Bobby.

No, it's all right.

Let her sleep.

I will wake her up with a bucket of water and a cowbell if that's gonna make you happy, Bobby.

You want to talk to your daughter, you got it.

Teddy. It's okay. Stop.

I'm hanging up now. Go to bed.

Yeah. Okay.

Oh, this is bad.

This is terrible! Aah!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Louise: Hey, you woke us up.

What gives, Teddy?

We need our sleep.

We're so little.

Tina's missing, Louise!

(yawns)

More like kissing. You know.

(gasps)

Jonas! The sandwich boy.

Ugh. The sign says to limit your soak time to 15 minutes!

That sign says, "No running," and you're running your mouth, MeatCute!

I bought these trunks for this conference.

I'm not bringing 'em home dry!

They're gonna be damp at the very least.

Screw these guys.

Let's just get in there with 'em.

Like hell you will!

(grunts) (whimpers)

Back it up!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy now!

Oh, no, you don't.

Hey, hey, hey!

My wife and I never get a weekend away!

Hey, don't touch me.

This is all the vacation we have left, and you're not getting it!

I'll go right, you go left.

Mm-hmm.

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ooh, splashing.

Good idea! I know!

(grunting)

(laughs)

Ah, excuse me. Excuse me.

What is going on here?

Stay out of this! Give me that.

These people are jabbing us and harassing us.

And they've been in there for an hour!

An hour? That's crazy.

(panting)

We just got here.

Oh, really? Hmm. Pruny.

I've had a bad feeling about you two ever since check-in.

That's it.

Please exit the hot tub so these people may enjoy it.

Fine. Okay, we'll leave.

Really?

Yeah. We're all grown-ups here.

Thank you.

Bye-bye, BurgerBob.

(all sigh)

Oh, that jet is right on my back.

Oh, that's a lumbar paradise.

I trust your conference is going well, otherwise.

I'm not completely dissatisfied.

Hmm.

(Bob and Linda yelling)

Huh?

Hope you like your Jacuzzi with extra relish!

Aah!

And mayo!

(all groaning)

L.O.L.

Laugh on loudly!

And post.

That's it.

I'm calling security. (groaning)

Good, we're leaving anyway.

Yeah. And get a fax machine.

Desk Clerk: Oh, go fax yourself!

(melodica playing)

Clay: Stop.

Stop.

Stop, Jonas.

No one likes that except the girl, and she's probably had enough, right?

It's okay, I guess.

Stop if you want to stop, though.

What about, um...

Let's break into the lighthouse and, uh, make shadow puppets onto the fog.

Eh.

Ugh.

Well, no one else is coming up with ideas, Marco.

I'll break into the lighthouse with you without the melodica.

How do we get in?

Through that window up there.

One of us can go in and then unlock the front door for the rest of us.

Terrible plan.

Seriously, Clay?

Yeah, seriously, Clay?

It looks like a tight squeeze.

I'll do it.

I can fit.

Uh, okay, sure.

I'll give you a boost.

You've got strong arms.

Must be from delivering all those sandwiches.

Yeah. Uh, can you reach the window?

Uh, I have to step on your head.

Ow! Ow!

(Louise grunting)

(thudding, siren toots)

Cops! Run!

(yelling)

(panting)

Wait! Jonas, wait for me!

(Louise groans)

Gotcha.

All right, come on out!

Oh, this isn't my house.

What the hell were you doing in the lighthouse, young lady?

I was gonna make shadow puppets to amuse the ships at sea?

Oh, you think this is funny?

Some ship sees a huge dog in the fog?!

I don't know how to make a dog!

Everybody knows how to make a dog!

Oh. Yeah.

(birds screeching)

All right, smart-ass, let's call your parents so they can pick you up.

My parents are out of town.

Well, looks like you'll be spending the night at the station.

Uh, the police station?

No, the ranger station.

It's the same, but we have a foosball table.

Reggie! Reggie!

Open up!

You can't wait till morning for a nice sandwich?

My oldest temporary niece Tina ran off with your delivery boy.

I'm not blaming you, but I'm blaming you!

Where are they, Reggie?

Where are they?!

Jonas would sell you out in a hot second!

You can't even look us in the eyes!

Where are they, Reggie?

Well, for a while, him and his friends liked to hang out in my gazebo, but then, one night, it rains, and it leaks a tiny bit, and they wouldn't shut up about it.

Like I'm the jerk.

Now I think they go to the cove by the lighthouse.

Come on, let's go!

Wait, I want to see this gazebo.

The gazebo that cold cuts built!

No, no, no, no, no, we got no time for gazebos.

Okay, we'll take a quick look.

Go out! I'm dumping sand on you.

Go out!

Excuse me, Officer.

Have you seen a bunch of teenagers around here?

They're of the dorky variety.

Yup. I apprehended one of them.

Tina!

Hi, Teddy.

Oh, you know this girl?

Yes, I do.

I'm her weekend guardian.

Well, I caught her trespassing in the lighthouse.

You got to let her go, Officer.

I could do that, or I could let her spend the night behind bars.

No, no, no!

Li-Listen, Ranger Dainko...

Is it Ranger Dainko?

What's your first name?

Matthew.

Matthew Dainko.

That's a pretty name. Look, I've only been an uncle for a day.

I guess I couldn't handle the job.

If anyone should spend the night in teen ranger jail, it should be me.

It's not teen ranger jail, it's just ranger jail.

Look, maybe she didn't do the right thing tonight, but she's got heart, this one, and she follows it.

She's just a mixed up kid who's going through a ton of puberty right now.

Am I right, Tina?

Yes.

And then some.

Well, it's not that simple.

There's a form involved... two signatures and an initial.

You got to sign here.

Okay.

And again here.

Right.

And initial here.

Right. Okay.

So, just anywhere?

No, where it says guardian.

So... at the bottom?

No, on-on the line.

So just anywhere on the form? Just write...

No not on the... anywhere.

Oh?

Just... okay, just never mind! Forget it!

I was so worried about you, Tina.

I'm sorry, Teddy.

I shouldn't have snuck out.

Thanks for getting me out of ranger danger.

I don't think I would have made it in the joint.

Jonas, you came back for me!

Uh... yeah. And this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You didn't come back for Tina.

You came back for your moped.

You used Tina for free burgers, then you hung her out to dry when Ranger Matthew Dainko came.

Oh, God, you did, didn't you?

She's too good for you!

But good enough for a lot of guys!

Which makes you the worst, Jone-ass!

Okay, I'll keep that in mind as I ride away.

(engine sputters, Jonas groans)

Oh, no, you don't.

(groans)

Hey!

Nobody... messes... with my... temporary niece!

Aah!

Yeah!

No!

Oh. Oh, that's bad.

Tell you what.

Instant regret.

I cannot believe I did that.

Talk about losing your cool, Teddy.

You're gonna have a lot to talk about this week in therapy!

Right? Eh.

"Did you lose your cool?"

"A little bit, doc.

A little bit I lost my cool."

Hey, we should call Teddy and let him know we're coming home early. (beep)

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Teddy. Hey, it's Linda.

You're on speakerphone.

Hey, Teddy. The conference was a bust.

We're coming home early.

Oh, goodie.

How early is early?

Ah, we'll be home in 15 minutes.

Okay, great! Your parents are 15 minutes away.

If we hurry, we can beat 'em home and jump in bed and pretend nothing happened.

Bob: Teddy?

Yeah?

We just heard everything you said.

No, you didn't.

I had it on mute.

You didn't.

No, I-I definitely tried to press it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Are you at the beach?

No.

We can see you.

That's them right there. That's them.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Bobby.

What is that kid doing in the water?

(grunting)

Rescuing a drowning moped.

Oh, God, it's late.

Bedtime, kids! Bedtime!

Anything you say, Uncle Teddy.

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Whoo! ♪