Crude and Uncalled

Men. Mmm, oh, and here's another money saver: If you buy a big bag of irregular socks, you can pair up the good ones and use the cash you save for underwear. Good to know. And you can use the leftover misfit socks for dusting gloves, golf club cozies, even a hand puppet. A hand puppet? Oh, sure, couple of buttons for eyes, and you're ready to go. Hello, pretty lady. That's funny. So, you done the Internet dating thing before? All the time. Oh, and if you're interested, I know a couple of tricks to weed out the losers. I'm very interested. Hey, how are ya? Hi. Oh, you know him? No. Oh, talking to strange women. Must be drunk. Anyway, my profile says that I am a chiropractor, but I also do a lot of holistic work, you know acupressure, deep tissue massage, both of which promote a general sense of well being and also a heightened sexual sensitivity. (chuckles) Assuming, of course, your sexual sensitivity requires heightening. I have absolutely no intention of sleeping with you, Alan. Whoa, whoa, where'd that come from? (chuckles) I'm just talking about my job. Making conversation. And when you say "absolutely no intention," you just mean tonight, right? Um, you look like you could use another one of these. You're a mind reader. Uh, excuse me, but, uh, I'm with this lady, and if she would like another drink, I am more than capable of providing one. But the dinner's still dutch. What's your name? Uh, Louanne. Hi, Louanne, I'm Marcus. All right, all right, fun time's over. Look, Marcus, the lady is on a date with me, and you are intruding. Why don't we ask the lady what she wants? Not necessary. I can tell you what she wants and it's not me. But there is a principle involved and that is one of poaching another man's gal. Is that so? Yes, that's so. Now take a hike. Why don't you just sit down and finish your peanuts? Don't you touch me! Hey, hey, calm down. You're right, you're right. We should just, uh, take a deep breath and calm down. That's a good idea. So, what are you doing after Potsie here drops you off? Hey, Marcus? How's that, bitch?! * Men. I got you a surprise. You hear that? She got us a surprise. (phone rings) You gonna grab that? You'll have to be more specific. Answer the phone, Charlie. Right, right. Hello? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down. Who is this? Oh, hi, Alan. Not a good time right now. Really? What the hell are you doing in jail? You're kidding me. That's hilarious! (laughs) All right, all right, I'm on my way. What do you think? Doing-oing-oing-oing! I was gonna save it for our wedding night, but I couldn't wait. Oh, baby, by the time we get married, that thing's gonna be half-eaten. Who was on the phone? Alan. Everything all right? Yeah, he was just callin' to say he wouldn't be home tonight. Oh, did he get lucky? Not yet, but the night is still young. You said you'd be right there! Look, look, I understand your anger, but you gotta see it from my side. What's your side? I get really sleepy after sex! What's going on? Oh, your gallant fianc� let his baby brother rot in a prison cell all night. What? Oh, come on, it was the Beverly Hills jail. I've been there plenty of times. You slip the booking officer a $20, he'll send out for Starbucks. You know I don't carry that kind of cash. Regardless, it was just one night. Nobody took your man cherry, did they? Was that why Alan called last night? Uh I assume so. Oh, Charlie. Hey, hey, you had that sexy lingerie on and you were so beautiful, plus you know how I hate to waste an erection. I can't believe you abandoned your brother when he needed you. It's horrible. How did I become the bad guy in all this? He's the felon! Why were you in jail, Alan? I was forced to use my hands to defend a lady's honor. Ask him what happened to the lady. She drove the guy I punched to the emergency room. I don't understand. Why would she go with him if you were defending her honor? Who knows? I would've asked her, but I was busy being handcuffed and dragged off to jail! Where I spent the night covering my behind with a food tray. Shame on you, Charlie Harper. Now she's mad at me. Happy? Oh, yeah, m m riried! If my transsexual biker cell mate had only been a little more affectionate, my life would now be perfect! * Men. I just snapped and hit him. It's the first time in my life that's ever happened. You mean it's the first time you've ever won. The important thing now is for you to know that your family is a hundred percent behind you. Thanks, Mom. Now, before we waste money on some expensive lawyer, how much jail time are we talking about if you just roll over? I don't want to go to jail! And if he does, he certainly doesn't want to roll over. Charles, that is crude and uncalled for. Thank you. You're welcome. Nobody wants to go to jail, sweetie, but let's face it, if all we're talking about is 60 days alone in a room with no friends, how is that different from two months squatting in your brother's house? You're kidding, right? I guess. You know what? Don't worry yourself. I'll just get a public defender and take care of this myself. There you go, problem solved. Charlie? What? Some kid out of law school hungry to make his bones. What's wrong with that? He gets his hair cut by trainees at the barber college. Alan, I'd be happy to help you hire a lawyer. Oh, no, Chelsea, I couldn't take money from you. That's an honor he reserves for family. So, what, you guys really aren't gonna help him? Well, of course we are. But if we didn't torture him a little bit, he wouldn't feel comfortable accepting our help. You don't know that. Try me! I'll tell you what. I'll find the lawyer, and we'll sptit thfefe Not fifty-fifty, 'cause I'm out six years of room, board and incidentals. And by incidentals, I mean mostly Kleenex and hand lotion. Oh, please, I paid for four years of college and chiropractor school, and he still gives me handmade tchotchkes for Christmas. You said you loved the pot holders I made you. I said they made me cry. Okay, okay, okay, fifty-fifty. But we'll put it on my card so I get the miles. I can't believe you two. That's oyay,helsea, I'm used to being treated this way. The mocking, the insults, the humiliation. It's all part of the festering ugliness of this family. See? He's fine with this. Your support means a lot. Thank her. If it was up to me, you'd be in San Quentin wearing lipstick and a mop wig. Okay, Mom, I gotta go. No, I love you. Okay. What? No, you're not bothering me. I'm happy to take care of it. Okay. Okay, bye-bye. Sorry. I just bought my mom a new computer, and it's opened up quite a can of worms. Ironic. I just bought my mom a can of worms. Brad Harlow. Are you Alan? No, no, no, I'm his brother Charlie. This is my fianc�e Chelsea. And this pasty-faced jughead is the family Rottweiler. I just want it on record that I am not by nature a violent man. My fuse is long, but it is attached to dynamite. Shut up. I'm payin' by the hour. Would you two just stop it. I'm sorry. That's all right. I have siblings, too. We tease each other constantly. You know, sometimes I think it's just easier than saying "I love you. " Okay, well, I got some good news for you, Alan. Hey, when's the last time you heard that? I made some calls, and the fella you punched has quite few alcohol-related priors, and is definitely not looking to press charges. So I don't have to go back to jail? You won't even see the inside of a courtroom. Oh, thank God! I can't go back to the joint again. All right, great, we're off the clock. What do I owe you? Eh, relax, you don't owe me anything. Even better. Thank you. Charlie. We we have to pay you for your time. Oh, you hippie. Well, uh, well, you can always make a donation to my charity. What's that, Lawyers Without Yachts? (laughs) No no, it's for inner city kids. They come out to my ranch once a month, you know, learn to ride horses, get out in the fresh air. Oh, that's wonderful. I love horses. I used to ride all the time. Shall I write you a check? No, no, no, no, I got it. Who do I make it out to? Danielle's Darlings. Who's Danielle? My late wife. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, thank you. Thank you. I started the charity to keep her memory alive. She loved horses. Crap. That's another zero. There you go. Wow. This is incredibly generous. Thank you. You're very welcome. You know, we're having a nature ride and barbecue for the kids this Saturday. You should come. Really? That sounds wonderful. Doesn't it, Charlie? Do the kids race the horses? What? No. There's no action? No action. I don't see the point. He's just joking. No, I'm not. I really don't see the point. Well, if you change your mind, here's the info. We'd love to see you. Thank you. Maybe we will. Great. Yeah, maybe. Thanks very much, Brad. Always nice to bring good news to a client. And the best news is, I think having a criminal record is really spice up my online dating profile. I might even post the mug shot. Uh, he's okay, I guess. You guess? Not only does he have a successful law practice, he's doing so much to help poor kids. What, by sticking them on horses? How's that going to help? Get them a high paying job with the pony express? It's not about jobs. It's about getting them out of the city and into the fresh air. Fresh air? Have you ever smelled a horse? You know what I mean. And did you hear the way he talked about family? They obviously mean a lot to him. Family also meant a lot to Charles Manson. That's a terrible thing to say. Sorry. Hey, speaking of horseback riding- why don't you hop on and I'll race you to the finish. You know what, I'm not really in the mood. That's okay. I've got enough mood for both of us. Good night, Charlie. But Charlie's a frustrated pony. Go to sleep. I was pretty charitable today. Mm-hmm. I guess the spirit of giving doesn't extend to the bedroom, huh? Good night, Charlie. (nickering) * Men. Hey. Can't sleep? Nope. Me neither. Even though I dodged the legal bullet, I've got all this stuff building up inside me. I'm afraid I'm going to explode. I'm afraid I won't. The other night in that bar, I just snapped. It was like I became a different person. Well, th had to be a nice break for you. I'm scared, Charlie. I mean, there was a part of me that really enjoyed driving my fist into that jerk's stupid face and watching him crumble to the floor in agony. So what are you scared of? What if this is just the beginning? What if I've awakened some long-dormant monster inside of me who revels in violence? What if I can't control the monster? What if the monster takes over? Ouchy! You're fine. Go to bed, monster. Okay, good night. I got into a bar fight and punched a guy in the face. Yeah, right. No, I'm serious. I spent the night in jail. Fine, don't tell me. I was just trying to make conversation. Hey, I am warning you. There is a monster inside of me and you don't want to wake him up. Oh! Oh! Hot, hot. Did the monster burn his mouth with his chamomile tea? It's oolong. Where's Chelsea? She went to that charity thing for inner city horses. You let her go without you? Why the hell would I want to go? I hate kids and I'm scared of horses. Maybe you didn't notice the way my lawyer was looking at your fianc�e. What are you talking about? Or the way she was looking back at him. That's ridiculous. I'm telling you, there were definitely sparks between the two of them. You think? Charlie, that guy is everything you're not. Well, what's that mean? He likes people, he loves his mother, he works with children and he doesn't stumble through life stinking of whiskey and KY Jelly. Hey, hey, hey, KY Jelly is odorless. Not where you put it. I'm just saying that if Chelsea were my fianc�e, I wouldn't leave her alone with this guy. If Chelsea were your fianc�e, you'd have bigger problems. Like what? Like being the last man on Earth. Because your uncle wants to use you to camouflage his growing fear that his girlfriend might be interested in another guy. Hey, hey, hey. I have no fear. Of course not. You just got a sudden craving for barbecue and horses. Whoa, there's gonna be barbecued horses? Cool. Where the hell is this lawyer's stupid ranch? You must have passed the turnoff. Maybe we should put the GPS back on. I don't need the GPS. GPS: Take the next legal U-turn. Then proceed 22 miles to main road. Okay, turn around. There's no room. Well, then back up. Just till you find a place to turn. I'm hungry. We're almost there. I don't think so. I'd smell the barbecue. Jake, would you pipe down so I can concen? Oh, damn. You have reached your destination. (sniffs) I don't think so. Still no signal. Well, of course, there's no signal. We're in the middle of nowhere. I'm starving. What do you want from me? Go catch a squirrel. This is why I always tell you to keep an emergency kit in your car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No matter what happens, I know that in my trunk is a thermal blanket, flashlight, batteries, bottled water and assorted protein bars. You hear that, Jake? You have an inheritance. I already ate the proteibars. . You were right, Alan. The more time Chelsea spends with this Brad guy, the more time she's going to have to contrast and compare. And I'm not going to come out of that looking so good. If you're really worried about her being attracted to a better man than you, why don't you become a better man? (mocking tone): Why don't you become a better man? Yeah, like that. Till just now. Relax. There's no mountain lions here. You know, this is where it normally goes bad in slasher movies. One guy falls back a little bit, usually to smoke pot or have sex, and he gets his head hacked off. Let that be a lesson to you about drugs and premitalalex. Good parenting, Alan. Thank you. (growling) ALAN: Mountain lion! Mountain lion! Run! Run! Oh, crap! Hey, guys wait up! (screaming) Psych. I can't believe you really thought I was a mountain lion. Go to your room. You're punishing me just because you're gullible? Yeah, pretty much. (Jake growling) Still not funny! Chelsea's not home. How could she not be home yet? That thing was over hours ago. Are you worried she might be cheating on you with Brad? No, I was thinking car trouble, but thanks for that. Sorry. Look, Chelsea and I have been together for over a year now. We're engaged to be married. What are the odds she's going to leave me for some lawyer just because he's kind, rich, handsome, generous, loves his family and named a charity after his dead wife? I don't know, even money? At least. So ten bucks just to make it interesting? (slap) ALAN: Ouchy!
 * What are you doing in there? Be patient.
 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Men, men, men, men, may y n,n,en, men * * Ooh * * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * * Ooh * * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh * * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh * * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ah.
 * * Men.
 * * Men.
 * Ten hours! Ten hours I sat in that urine-soaked jail cell! You shouldn't have peed yourself.
 * I don't know.
 * Men.
 * Thanks for coming, you guys.
 * Men.
 * Wasn't Brad terrific? Who's Brad? Alan's lawyer.
 * Hey.
 * Men.
 * What happened to your hand? Oh, well I won't lie to you.
 * Men.
 * I don't understand why I have to go to this thing.
 * Men.
 * Un-freakin'- believable.
 * Men.
 * You guys think there are mountain lions up here? Hadn't given it much thought.