Widow's Pique

1 What is your name? Stan. What did you say? Uh My name is Staniella. Okay. Where can I hide the bug? In the dresser? No, this is a motel. He'll leave right after we have full-on rubber-less sex. Got it. Did I just swallow one of your teeth? Why am I recording all this? 'Cause I'm supposed to be - a woman on this mission. - You're a spy? Now I feel like fool for taking you to Jared's. She disappeared. Like ghost. Another perfect American spy operation. Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The Sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, U. S. A. Aah! Good morning, U. S. A. What are you boys doing? We're going to the basement to wrestle! But wrestling's dangerous. Not the way we do it, mother. We never actually get physical. It's all about the pageantry. Hmm. Now you're just dangerously close to me calling you a pussy. It's so quiet. Where is everyone? Well, Stan's on a mission, so everyone's doing whatever they want. Steve's wrestling in the basement, and Hayley's finally getting into it with DirecTV. Listen, Randall, I know this isn't your fault. You seem like a-a really solid dude. - So, you say your husband's gone? - Yeah. And you say my husband's gone? I didn't say that. Well, he is. Which makes us both - Widows! - Widows! I love the Widow game! But you never love catching on when I'm trying to get you to play it. You know I don't. Just some steak for a tragically young widow, please. Which kind would you like? There are different kinds? My dead husband bought I'm sorry. My dead husband used to buy our steaks. As I said, I'm a widow. Rib eye is the best. But does it also cost the least? Since my husband died, I've been so overwhelmed learning what different things cost. For a widow, it's on the house. I'm the same as her. Just drop it in the sack. - Widows! - Widows! I can't let you test drive a Lamborghini! You have no jobs, no credit. No husbands. We're widows. - Widows! - Widows! O'er the land of the free And the home Of the Brave widows Pull over! You're being so crazy right now! We're widows! Good luck finding love again! Love?! I'm trying to get laid! Ba-ba-ba-bow! - Widows. - Widows. Folks, we're now beginning our descent into Denver. - Oh, widows. - Oh, widows. More champagne? Actually, hate to be this widow, but we just remembered our favorite restaurant is in St. Louis. And we're widows. - Widows! - Widows! I'll have a spicy Italian with the works. Oh, and add avocado. Avocado is a dollar extra. Even for widows? - Widows! - Widows! And we're rolling! As we all know, huge upcoming match at the Honda Center in Anaheim, California. And the title will be on the line. Sunday August 4th! Ooh, the pageantry! Speak of the devil! Here he is, the defending champion himself Steve "The Total Package" Smith and his manager, Mr. Mastermind. Listen up! Sooner or later, that Piper, he comes a-calling! And when the Snot Rocket and I are locked in that cage on August 4th at the Honda Center, it's gonna be his time to face the truth the purest truth there is My championship belt. Mmm, mmm, mmm. If you've got something to say to me, you can say it to my ugly face! Good Lord! It's the Snot Rocket and Barrycuda The Blob. Nobody was expecting this. Total Package, there's only one thing keeping you alive that pretty face! And that belt! But I'm gonna take it from you. Ow! I'm so sorry! You're not supposed to hit. I know! It was an accident. Are you okay? I guess so. Gentlemen, gentlemen! Save it for August 4th at the Honda Center in Anaheim! Wow! We made great time from St. Louis. Lights and sirens, baby, lights and sirens. Francine? Oh, crap. Here comes a taco. It's me, Bunny. Bunny Sanders. Bunny, I didn't recognize you. You look so different. How are things? I'm a dancing taco, Francine. Right, but wasn't that always something you talked about being? No. I had to take this job after my husband died. Widows! Sanders died? How? On a mission. I just wish I'd been prepared for life after John, you know? I had no idea! Every day is a brutal struggle. Thank you! These are gross. Kind of glad they capped me at 50. Oh, Stan, you're back! It was awful! I saw Bunny Sanders, and she was dressed like a taco! Fashion is a playground, Francine. Just because you lack the balls to mix it up doesn't mean you have to knock someone else for taking a risk. That's exactly right, Stan. No! That's Bunny's job now. Why didn't you tell me Sanders died on one of your missions? Because he didn't die on a mission. He died on a body recovery assignment when we retrieve the bodies of agents who did die on missions. We do it all the time. It's like most of my job. See? Body recovery. Another dead agent. So you can stop worrying. Gotta run. Enjoy that popcorn. Speaking of popcorn, imagine if we were so poor we had to decorate our Christmas tree with it. Francine, give it a rest! You don't see me screaming at my tacos. Wait a minute. The tacos! It's a new widow day! Let's go down to the graveyard and give 'em the old "dig 'em up, I want to see his face one last time. " Ugh. A support group. - What's fun about this? - Nothing. Seeing Bunny yesterday made me realize a widow's life isn't all Lambos and rib eyes. Look, Fran, we're all badly shaken by Sanders' death. I mean, I felt terrible stealing Bunny's wallet through the leg hole of the taco yesterday. But we don't need this. I do. What if Stan actually gets killed? I need to hear what this is really like, so I'm prepared if it does happen. Death is natural. It's our reactions that are unnatural. That's true, but it's not funny. It's the quiet that really gets me. I used to come downstairs on a Sunday and hear the game on. Bob would be cursing the giants. Now when I come down the stairs on Sunday, no game, no cursing. No Bob! No Stan. Why?! Nailed it! But I can beat it. Name's Roger. I'm female. My second husband's name was Eric, and as it turned out, he died by my own hand. Did it just happen? You have to be more specific. I have no idea what you're t oh, my husband's death, yes! Yes. So fresh. The best thing you can do for yourself now is to just keep getting out of the house. Do you have a job? Some people say raising their children is a job But I haven't really treated it that way. Francine, I'm a partner at a Fortune 500 marketing agency, and I know for a fact that there's a position available right now At the diner across from my office. And you! Do you have any marketing experience? I beat a homicide rap I confessed to many times. I think I can figure out marketing. Roger? Where'd you get the car? The agency sent it. Probably as a show of good faith. Contract negotiations were Not something we engaged in. Wait, don't you want to hear about me? Go ahead, say your words. I got the job at that diner! What do you know! I know I said I needed to hear what it would be like to be a real widow, but I think I need I need to live it. Stunning turn of events tonight. Mr. Mastermind has defected to the League of Enforcers! I couldn't care less about Mr. Master-Fool and the League of Dumb Forcers! This is the only thing that matters! Which is why it's going to me Brian "The Home Invader" Lewis, A. K. A., The Basement Creep, A. K. A. , Midnight Lace! Principal Lewis, what are you doing in our basement? I honestly have no clue. Last thing I remember, I was climbing in that window. Anyway, the belt is mine! Ah! Careful. This isn't what we're doing. Light touch, light touch. Wrestling is all about the pagean Oh! No! Oh, my god! You're our principal! You think this is crazy, well, August 4th is gonna be insane! That's the Honda Center, August 4th. Klaus, for god's sakes, get help. Be there! Francine, I'm back! We recovered Most of the body. Franny's not here. Actually, the whole family's busy. Sir, I can't express this enough. You're never gonna win me back with encore. Hayley's doing that and, oh, you know how when you leave on a mission, Francine and I pretend you're dead and play Widows? - Play Widows?! - Yeah. And this time, she really committed. She's, like, all bummed out and working at a crappy diner. I swear, if I weren't in a god damn bake-off with half of Madison Avenue to land the new Dentine Campaign, I would be very concerned about her. Oh, on a side note, what's the number one thing you look for in an iced gum? Flavor sustainability. Now take me to that diner! Oh, my god! She's really acting like I'm dead! Francine, how did you end up here? Yecch, it was gross. She took the bus. I go on a mission, risk my life, and she plays Widow? It's not playing, it's more It's too bad your psychologist, Dr. Penguin, is on a book tour, 'cause his new book touches on this very subject. It's called "Coping a Feel. " Roger! Whoa, hey! You have a dangerous job. When we were fooling around, playing Widows, she was coping A feel. A book now available on Amazon. This is dumb. I'm going in there! I-I wouldn't do that! She's fragile. This calls for a gentle hand. Let me go in there, do my thing. Well, is she coming home? Oh, shit, sorry. Totally forget about all the stuff we talked about. But I did remember you, Gerald. Meatballs! Gotta take care of my boy. Wow, Stan wasn't as impressed as I thought he'd be when I gave away those meatballs. You know what, give 'em back. We'll try again when I have Stan's full attention. Francine! Stan! You scared me. I scared you? You're scaring me. What are you doing here? I'm working. Working? You're acting crazy. This isn't crazy. Crazy is how I used to act, pretending everything was hunky-dory. Look, I don't want to do this here. It's time to go home! No, let go! I'm working! Hey, this guy bothering you, Fran? No. He was just leaving. Look, Francine, maybe that guy's not perfect, but I got news for ya you're not getting any younger. And, oh, Ryan Gosling's never walking through that door. So? I couldn't get through to her. She's lost it. Come on, Stan. Let's get out of here. I'm your wife now. No, Roger. I just don't get why she's acting like this. Francine loves you, but she worries about you. And that makes her worry about herself. But when I'm on a mission, it's my life on the line. And when your life's on the line, her life's on the line, too. Everything would change for her if you were gone. Hmm. I never thought about it that way. That's 'cause you're thick, Stan. I'll go back in and tell her I understand - If she'll listen. - She won't. In the marketing world, we have a term for this. You've burned that bridge. So what am I supposed to do? Ugh! It's so hard having to do all the thinking. You're lucking I'm a marketing genius, currently. Take us to the office, Gerald! Yes, sir. But then I'm gonna have to close out your fare. Fare? Wait, the company didn't send you. No, I'm an Uber driver you hired a few days ago when you were drunk. Uber-X? Uber Black. Oh, my god. Oh, my god, I'm ruined. Roger, Roger Marketing, marketing Genius, genius Genius, genius Me Roger, get to the point! If you want Francine, you're gonna have to change your approach. Every marketing genius knows that to reach the customer, you have to show them you understand their problems. Show Francine I get what she's going through. Bingo. Show, don't tell. And the best way to do that is to make the consumer feel like you don't just get them, you are them. So what do you say? Did we land dentine ice? What? Sorry, I repurposed the dentine pitch. But you see what I'm saying? Yeah. I do. Oh, one last thing. If you were an exec at Dentine, would that pitch have worked on you? Of course, I would have replaced the word "Francine" with "Dentine Ice" in most instances. Roger I like it. I really do. It's just not us. It's not dentine. Stan, I told you to get out! I'm sorry, you must be mistaking me for someone else. I'm just a sad widower looking for a hot meal. Oh, now you're making fun of me? I don't know what you're talking about, nice lady. Whatever. Sit anywhere you like. So, need a minute to decide? I'm thinking about the clams casino. - Are the clams fresh? - No. Ah, I don't know where it's okay to order seafood. My wife always helps used to help me with that. What happened to her? She died all the way. Why don't I fire up those old clams. I was deeply, truly surprised by Principal Lewis coming out from behind the boiler. This is bad. But you know the worst part? The hospital food. Barry, my friend, that well-placed taste of comedy is just the elixir these battered bones needed. Well, your vitals are looking good. Doctor, what do you think? Oh, uh, yes, I'll take it from here. Oh, no, Principal Lewis! Oh, no! Midnight Lace! Splatter's up, boys! You want this belt back, you can come and get it August 4th at the Honda Center! I don't think I'm gonna go. - So how did your wife die? - On the job. It was a very dangerous line of work. She was an assassin, but for space. A space assassin? Naturally. I know it was hard for her to risk her life, but I don't think she realized how hard it was for me every time she blasted off. If something happened to her up there, I I didn't know if I could ever put my life back together. Oh, Stan! That's exactly how I feel! Why isn't everyone cheering? Down on the ground, both of you! Now is a bad time, guys. There are some pretty big feelings going on here. Now empty your pockets! Francine, do what the man says. Ow, ow, ow! Looks like you're out of weapons. I don't need one. I had the clams. Francine, I want you to come home. 'Cause I always want to come home to you. But when I'm on missions, if playing Widow keeps you from worrying about me Then play your heart out. Honestly, Stan, after seeing all that, I'm not so worried about you anymore. You're, like, really good. Mmm! Shall we? Let's get one thing out of the way. The gum is terrible. Oh, sit down, David. Let's see where she's going with this. You better know what you're doing. Dentine Ice loves you, but she worries about you. And that makes her worry about herself. When your life's on the line, her life's on the line, too. She'd be in "Dentine Ice". Got 'em. So what do you say? Did we land Francine Ice? What? What'd I say? Did I just tell everyone I'm an alien?