Fist Fight

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) - (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) - (STUDENTS WHOOPING) - (TIRES SCREECH) - CAMPBELL: Whoa! Hey! Buddy, excuse me. I'm sorry, you're parking in my spot... Senior prank day. Yeah, but it's not a prank. You're just parking it in an assigned... That's fine. You're good. You're good. I'll find a new spot. - Fucking rent-a-cop. - Guys! I need you to stop rocking the cart. Fuck you! I'm gonna write your names down. Well, that's not good. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING CONTINUES) BOYS: Whoo! (BOYS LAUGHING) - Do it! Do it! Do it! - (LAUGHING) This is gonna be a bad day. Oh, yeah. Wait up! (BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING) STRICKLAND: Hey! Oh, fuck! (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) You hold it right there. Now, outside my class, I found our school's 1971 championship bat in the trash can. I'm wondering who put it in there and why. We thought it'd be funny to throw out the bat and put the computer in with porn. Put it back. Now! Now get y'all Rush Hour asses to class. Everybody! Where... Where is my mug? Why are people always taking my mug? (SIGHS) You know, I know we're a rough school and everything, and we don't usually have control over the students, but this is the worst I've ever seen the pranks. Really? I think it's hilarious. I'm thinking about taking a shit in the pool. I want... I want to think that you're joking. But for some reason, I feel like you're not. I was just picturing everybody's faces. Yeah. I'm just saying it's not a good day for this, you know? My wife was due three days ago. And I'm up all night thinking about what I'm gonna say to the superintendent at 2:00. You know, I don't have anything planned. I know what I'm gonna say at my meeting. I'm gonna be like, "Fuck you for trying to make us re-interview for our jobs again!" I put my blood, sweat, and tears into my coaching. - Right. - Not my fault we always in last place. Yeah, what... What is your record? These kids are un-coachable! It's very tough. It's very tough. Losing here is a tradition. It shouldn't be. - Yeah, it's a terrible tradition. - Right? I'm trying my best not to get one of these kids' moms pregnant. I'm trying. You're not gonna say that, are you? Hell no, Campbell. Be polite as shit. I went out and bought new jeans for this motherfucker. And I hate long pants. - Yeah, you got an exotic build. - (DOOR SLAMS) Fuck this! Twenty-two years and then, "See you later!" Those assholes should have taken my class, so they can manage a fucking budget! I'm taking this. Taking this. See? We're expendable. They fired Irv. This school's gonna fuck me? I'm gonna fuck it! STRICKLAND: Drop it! Oh, shit. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, fuck it! What the fuck is this? Don't have money for books, but got money for this newfangled... He gonna fuck that coffee machine up. Is this a practical joke? Huh? You know I don't play that shit. How the fuck you work this bullshit? You. Campbell. Me? You the only one drinking coffee, right? Uh, yeah. No, I mean, I got a light roast cappuccino. Well, get your light roast ass over here and help me fix a cup. Right. Yeah, sure. Yeah. I'm sorry, I don't know why I was resisting that. - Yeah, so it's a new machine. - No shit. It's state of the art, though. All you gotta do is put in your order, and it does the rest. Coffee. You know, I'll just... I'll do it for you, and I think that's just gonna be the easiest. Right, so you got your drink selections down here. And flavors, you got hazelnut... I just want regular coffee. Shoot. Uh... That doesn't seem to be an option. Um... How about an Americano? That's basically the same thing. - Whatever. - So I just pick "Americano", right? And then you can go medium, light, dark. You look like... Or not look like, you would want... I'll go with medium. And then you hit "brew." - (MACHINE WHIRRING) - (SIGHS) - (MACHINE BEEPS) - And it's done. (CHUCKLES) Thank God. And one Americano. For you. All right. Cheers. Tastes like shit. Fucking waste of money. Shit don't even voice activate. - That was awkward. - (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) "It takes courage to grow up and to become who you really are." Right? E.E. Cummings wrote that. And, guys, you're growing up. You're moving on. For many of you, this is gonna be the last English class you're ever gonna take. So, um, I want you to remember something. Words are always going to matter. - (STUDENTS SCOFF) - Right? What? Uh-oh! Uh... Something's funnier than it should be, right? I'm missing the joke here. Is it me? "Mr. Dick Suck's English class!" Look, I'm down for the senior pranks, I really am, but, frankly, I think this one's a little homophobic, right? I mean, how does everybody think this makes Blake feel? What's that supposed to mean? Oh, uh... - I'm sorry. It doesn't mean anything. - No, no. It means something. Words matter, remember? Right. Yeah, no. I... I just meant because you're politically conscious and you're sensitive. I'm not sensitive. - I'm gay. - (STUDENTS CHUCKLING) And I wrote it and I drew the cat. (CLICKS TONGUE) And now there's a cat. What is... What is this? Now I'm Mr. Cat? Oh, I get it. I'm Mr. Pussy because I'm a nice guy. I'm a pushover, right? All right, guys, come on. I'm down for the pranks, but frankly we're getting... And "Mr. Dick Suck's English class" again! - In Sharpie! - (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - (ALL LAUGHING) - (MOUTHING) And now I have Ms. Grossman peering through the window. Uh, excuse me for one second. - I'll be right back. - STUDENT 1: All right, Blake! STUDENT 2: Yo, Blake turned a cat into a dick. - Hey! - Hey. - Hi. - Hey, how's it going? Uh, what's going on? I got some news for you about your job. Oh, my God. What do you... What do you know? Wolinsky and Henderson just got fired. - Oh, my God! That's great! - Right? Yeah! I mean, it's terrible because... (LAUGHING) I know, 'cause they got families. Yeah, they got the families and everything. But they're not gonna fire the whole English department, right? Exactly. That'd be crazy! Holly, thank you! I gotta call my wife. That's fantastic. (HORSE WHINNYING) What the fuck was that? Where did they get a horse? They stole it from the race track. They got it all hopped up on homemade meth, you know, so it'd be amped up enough to run through the hallways. - Yeah. - It's not like the best batch, but... I'm sorry... - How do you know that? - How do I know what? Holly, you're not doing meth again, right? Yeah. Yeah, just a little bit. - Don't do meth. - No more homemade meth. Got it. No, no. No meth, period. When I'm on my period, don't do it? That's when I need it the most. Holly, you're the guidance counselor. - You've never done it? - Oh, God, no. No. - Oh. Man, it's fucking great. - Yeah. - Is it? - (LAUGHS) Yeah! I think the best I've ever felt. Holly, this stuff's gotta stop. - Right. - Right? Yeah, 'cause it's a gateway? - It's the finish line. - There's worse stuff. I don't think I can help you. All right, thanks. I gotta call my wife. Thank you, Holly. All right. I'll take care of your classroom. Ooh, ooh, no, no, no! Don't do that. - What's that? - They're fine. Yeah. Some of them are fine. You know what I mean? - They're good-looking. - Uh-oh. Yeah, no. (STAMMERING) Leave 'em alone. - Right? - Right. - But thank you for the news. - Yeah. - Thank you! - You're welcome. Yo! Neil's gonna prank Strickland today. Strickland might legit kill Neil, bro. I know. It's gonna be epic! Whoa! What's happening here? You don't just come on my field mowing nothing. So sorry, Coach. Principal Tyler said we have to mow here. - For real? - Yeah. Wow. Good for you. Good for you! This is a gleaming example of people doing positive things out here. Y'all can hit the track. Yvette, all of the rolling your eyes in the world ain't gonna get you nowhere. And tell your mother she never text me back, damn it! - MAGGIE: (OVER PHONE) Hello? - Hey! Honey, hi! How's it going? How you feeling? Everything good? Everything okay? Well, I feel like I'm about to explode, we're definitely gonna be late to school, and I'm on my fourth hairdo for the talent show. Ah. (CHUCKLES) Did you have your meeting with the superintendent yet? Not yet. But that's why I'm calling, actually. I wanna tell you that... - ALLY: Dad... - Yeah? I really want to change the song to Big Sean. What? She wants to change the song to a Big Sean song. Daddy didn't learn a Big Sean song, right? Daddy learned the song from Rent. - We can do the same dance moves. - All right, look, Ally, I know this dance is a big deal for you, okay? And I'm not gonna let you down. But it's way too late to change the song, sweetie. Okay? - So, let me talk to Mommy... - Okay. 'Cause I got something really important I wanna tell her. Did you get fired? No, no, no! My job is safe. Oh, honey, that is such great news. Isn't that great? I really cannot have you getting fired right now, okay? - We can't have that right now... - (WILLIAM MOANS) That would be no good. WILLIAM: It's the hottest thing I've ever seen. You know what, sweetie? I gotta call you back. Some... Something weird is going on around here. - Okay? - MAGGIE: Okay. Yeah. Tell Ally I'll see her at 2:30. Daddy says he'll see you at 2:30. - MAGGIE: Bye, honey. - All right. Bye, love. WILLIAM: How'd it do that? Oh, I've literally never seen that before. - Oh, yeah. You want more? - What the fuck? What the hell are you doing? Why did you open the door? You don't get to ask the questions, okay? Come on. Let's go. Get up! God! Really, I mean, you wanna do that at home? Fine. - Are you starting again? - Yes. Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop this! Don't look at me and smile when you're doing it. Just stop... Just stop doing it! Bonjour, Ms. Monet. Bonjour, messieurs. Now get your asses back to class. CAMPBELL: Stop! The time for touching penises is over. WILLIAM: Just let me get to the end! I'm so close. CAMPBELL: How do you even still have a boner? - Pull your pants back up. - What is going on here? Oh, hey. That must have sounded pretty bad. Uh, let me explain. He was just masturbating. And he was just watching. I wasn't watching. I caught you. Just get out of here before I report you. Right. Okay, let's go. Back to class. But there's no reason to report me. - Let's go. - Get back to class. Yeah. And again, to be clear, - I was not watching him. I caught him... - You're gross. (SIGHS) Unbelievable. Hey, light roast. (STAMMERS) Hey. Do you know how to fix an AV system? Oh, uh... Yeah. But I'm so sorry. I'm running late for my class. Sorry about that. Stop! Don't you take another step. One more step and you'd have been covered in paint. They've been putting 'em all over the place. Holy crap. It's like a trip wire and... Oh, my God. You just saved me, man. (CHUCKLES) Why aren't they this ambitious with their classwork, huh? All right. You know what? Yeah, I got a second. Let's take a look at that AV. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) So I'm trying to show the class this Civil War documentary. Damn school wouldn't purchase my Ken Burns DVDs, so I'm stuck with this bullshit knock-off VHS. Ah, it's a bummer. Now, look. I push it in, it comes on... NARRATOR: The troops called him Old Whittington. It plays for a minute and then... - Huh! Yeah, that's really weird. - (SNICKERING) Eight times, I asked for a DVD player. No response. I'm this close to going up there and going postal on the whole goddamn administration. This close. (CHUCKLES) Yikes. Yeah. Well, you know what? Maybe you just wanna give 'em a free period and call it a day. A free period? What good would that do? Oh, you know, it's the last day of school and I'm sure they'd like you for it, and this isn't working, so... I don't need to be liked. I need to educate. You see, half of these kids thought the Civil War was a fight between Batman and Superman. So, we don't get free periods. Ain't that right? No free periods in Mr. Strickland's history class, right? ALL: Right. - Right? - Right. Right. Good. Strong... Strong point. I'll give it another look. Yeah, I mean if you wanna... You're gonna have to take the manual out, because I think... All right, I'm gonna start from the beginning. First I'm gonna power on the... - Was that you? - No. I thought that was you. No, I didn't push the button. - That was you. - No, that wasn't me. - I'm not pushing the button yet. - (SNICKERING SOFTLY) Are you sure you're not hitting it by accident, or... STRICKLAND: No. (SNICKERING) You know what? I'm gonna go down to the next step. Maybe I'll just power on the... - NARRATOR: Farewell, you bastard. - A-ha! I think I see what's going on here. Mr. Strickland, you are the victim of a senior prank. (CAMPBELL CLAPPING) Very funny, you guys. Very, very funny. I believe this young man is manipulating the television with his cell phone. Kind of caught him out of the corner of my eye there. He's doing this? - Yeah. - You doing it? Give it to me. Now! You think this is funny? Messing with the TV with your goddamn computer telephone? No, I'm not the one doing it. I'mma show you what's funny. Everybody, I want you to hashtag L-M-F-A... - O! - (STUDENTS GASP) Now, there will be no more interruptions in my class. None! We're gonna watch this beautiful documentary on the Civil War, and it's not Tupac versus Biggie. NARRATOR: He lost a leg at Gettysburg and an arm at Chickamauga. But his blood thirst remained unquenched. Okay. Uh... We got it going, so I'm gonna go back to class. Hey, man. Shut up. I said no interruptions. Be a fucking example for the kids, man. NARRATOR: It was going to be a long winter. He had to amputate his son's leg with nothing but a bayonet and a box of matches. Families were increasingly facing hard decisions. (MOUTHING) What the fuck? (MOUTHING) Do it. (MOUTHING) No! (GRUNTS) All right. Who did that? Who did it? Who did that? Who did it? It was you! It was you, wasn't it? Give me that phone! I don't have one. You just broke mine, remember? Okay. Okay. God damn it. I'm tired of this shit. (DOOR SLAMS) Uh, I don't know what's happening. - (ALL GASP) - Get out of here! Oh, shit! Okay, I have the phone. I have the phone. (GROWLING) (YELLING) (PANTING) Remember, teachers stick together. Yeah. Okay. (SIGHS) I don't have time for this today. I've got 30 termination meetings today alone. Everything in my office is glued to something else. I got drawers filled, filled with Silly String. You see that? And I got a goddamn mariachi band following me around wherever I go! (PLAYING MARIACHI MUSIC) I offered them $100 and they still won't leave. I think they thought it was a tip. And now I've got 20 students running out of a classroom in a panic. Students telling me that Neil's desk has been smashed to pieces, presumably by a fire ax, and you're telling me that you haven't seen anything today? Yeah. How about you, Strickland? Huh? Nothing? Like I said before, Tyler, I was too busy working out that piece of shit VCR that this school is still using. I know you teachers all like to stick together. I get it. But I'm having to fire whole departments. That's hard on me, too. Wait, whole departments? Yeah. Entire departments. Well, uh, I mean... Maybe the best thing to do is talk to Neil? Oh, I did. Yeah. Neil's not talkin' either. So, then I went back to this. I'm back to needing a straight answer from one of you two. Right. Let me bottom-line this for you. Someone's going down for this. I'm firing one of you two today. Tell you what, how about we'll go one better. How about I fire you both? He did it. You did it. I mean, you did do it, so... He did it. That's what happened, was you... 'Cause he, you know, chopped the desk. Which you probably shouldn't have done. Did you mean to do it? Was it an accident? Or did you wanna say it was an accident? You know what it was? The technology is outdated on the VCRs. That was a great point. Yeah. And the kids were pushing him with the pranks. They're out of control this year, sir. I've never seen anything like it, really. You know what, I think maybe you should take that all in consideration. And maybe just, you know... Don't fire him. (MARIACHI BAND PLAYING) I am so sorry he fired you. That's such a shitty situation he put us in. (STAMMERS) And, you know, I feel somewhat responsible, you know. I mean, look. Hey, come 2:00 today, I might not have a job either, but, uh... You know, I got a baby due any minute, and I can't be losing my job, so I hope you understand. I'm gonna fight you. I'm sorry, what? I am going to fight you. Are... Are you joking? Look, man, I was in a very tight spot there, you know. Tyler really was pitting us against each other, and... After school, you gonna meet me in the parking lot, and we gonna handle this shit the primitive way. With our fists. You can't be serious. I can't wait to fuck you up. Whoa. Hey... Hey, man, whoa. I... (STAMMERING) Look, I'm very sorry you lost your job, but you're talking crazy. Right? Like... You hear that that's a... (CLEARS THROAT) I don't need this. This is... Mmm-mmm. Campbell! Parking lot. After school. It's on. (STAMMERING) Look, man, there's nothing I could've done, you know? So... I'm very sorry you lost your job, but this is over. One man wins when the other's unconscious. Then, and only then, is it over. You really wanna have a fist fight after school, - like we're a couple of students? - I want everybody to see this. (STAMMERING) Teachers don't fight. We're gonna handle our differences like real men. What differences? You got a job and I don't! That's the fucking difference. This is a bad joke. Snitches get stitches. Snitches and stitches, what the fuck you talking about? (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) I can't even be there! I have a talent show thing with my daughter. It's the last day of school. Can't we just let this thing go? Strickland! Strickland! It takes courage, uh, to grow up and, uh... Make it the whole way. E.E. Cummings said that. And words are gonna matter for you guys. Uh, um... Yes, Nathaniel. Is it true you're gonna fight Mr. Strickland? Wait. You've heard about this? What did you hear? Hashtag teacher fight? What is this? You guys are tweeting about this now? Why would you agree to fight Strickland? He could kill you. Yeah, no, guys. I'm not gonna fight Mr. Strickland. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) We had a misunderstanding, and everything's gonna be just fine. I'm... I'm sorry, though. Who else knows about this? You guys hear Strickland is gonna fight Campbell? Yeah, he's gonna whip him bad. (LAUGHS) Without a doubt. What are you guys doing now? We just chalking the field. Well, your lines are a little off, but I appreciate the hard work, kids. Let me tell you something. Kids your age sometimes can turn out to be douchebags, but you guys come from good stock. Good batch of kids. Thank you, Coach. Let's go! Everybody, on the track! Clifford, stop doggin' it. I will fuck you up. What are you doing, challenging Strickland to a fight? I didn't challenge him to a fight. (STAMMERS) This is crazy. Everybody's got a story about him. Like what? What have you... What do you know about him? He used to be in a... Gang, right. And if anyone snitched, he's the guy you had to answer to. Please, man! I didn't mean to do... Hey... Hey, man, don't do it, man. Don't do it. (SCREAMS) Saddam Hussein had these two fucked-up evil sons, mass murderers. During the Iraq War, Strickland killed them. You're dead. You're dead. Game's over, boys. I'll save you some next time. So I'm cleaning late at night, and I walk in on him playing piano. (PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC) The dude's a virtuoso. That doesn't seem too scary. You didn't see his eyes. He was a cop, and whenever anyone got off on a technicality, he would find them and beat the shit out of 'em. - (GRUNTING) - (MAN GROANING) (YELLS) Oh, he's gonna fuckin' kill me. Nah. Yeah. Kill for it! (BLOWS WHISTLE) CAMPBELL: Guys, this is crazy, right? I mean, what kind of adult man challenges another adult man to a fight? That's not a thing that happens anymore. Okay. All right. Why don't you just take a punch and then just go down, you know? Play dead like you're with a bear, or like possums do, or anything that's like a... Like a pussy animal. I don't wanna take a punch. I don't wanna be in a fight. He's right. He can't be taking no punches. - Right? - No. You see those twins out there? HOLLY: Oh, yeah. The hot ones? The one on the left's been playing games with me all year. Hey, hey! Hey, Nathaniel. Hey, what's up? He wants to fuck me. He's just playing games. Yeah. You know how that story ends, right? You've seen it on the news? Oh, with the teachers who go for the students? Getting arrested and going to jail for many... Yeah. The news always, like, leaves out the good part. They never tell how the teacher does the seduction. Right. Never mind. What's your point with the twins? Watch this shit. Nathaniel! Give your brother 85%. CRAWFORD: Mmm. Mmm-hmm. CAMPBELL: Oh, shit! - Right on the Flintstone. - That was hot. At 100%, it's a toss-up whether the other twin gets back up. CAMPBELL: Well, that's not good because Strickland's definitely gonna punch me at 100%. Oh, no. He gonna punch you at 110%. At which point you won't be playing dead. You will be dead. All right. Well, 110% is not a real thing 'cause 100 is the max that you can go. Can I get over here to elaborate with him? Thank you. See, he's gonna be aiming for a target in the center of your skull, which is gonna compound the energy as it connects, which is gonna automatically scramble all the gray and white matter in your brain that controls logic, personality, social and sexual behavior. So at 110%? Oh, he most definitely is gonna knock all the sex out of you. Ah, Jesus Christ. Now, maybe you'll duck and he misses. But that's a big-ass maybe. Right, but if he does, I... I'll just run. No. I never said nothing about no running. Who's you? Seabiscuit? That was a great talk. Like, so super-helpful. - Both of you, really. - Yeah. Super-great. I'm gonna figure this out some other way. - Campbell, you know my style. - Yeah. I drop it like it's hot, and then sometimes I pick it up when it's cold. - My man. - All right. I didn't understand a word of that. I'll see ya. - (BOTH LAUGHING) - MEHAR: No! No! No! - Dude, let's go! - Stop! Not on my watch! (TIRES SCREECH) You guys are not allowed to leave campus. You need the proper paperwork to leave! STUDENT: (LAUGHING) I make more money than you! - Mehar! Hey. - Hey. I need some help with something. Mr. Strickland was fired today, and I noticed that his car is still here. Well, technically, he has until the end of school day to vacate school grounds. This is embarrassing. He's challenged me to a fight. So I'm in an unsafe situation here. Oh, that sucks. He's gonna win. - Flex. - I'm not gonna flex. - Flex. - Fine. - Flex. - I am flexing. There's nothing there. All right, look, come on. This is... - This is the problem. - It is a problem. Can you get him out of here or what? Well, if it's going to occur after school, then it's not really my jurisdiction because I'm the school security guard and not the world security guard. Oh, come on, man... I don't, like, try and stop terrorist attacks or... I'm just asking you to do your job here. You're asking me to do the job of security guard after 3:00, when I'm not... So you're telling me that there's nothing you can do? I could do CPR. I could potentially revive you after he renders you unconscious. But again, only if it's during school hours. - Yeah. Okay. Look. - Yeah. If it's after school hours, you're just gonna lay there all night until 7:00 a.m., when I'll come and save your life. Shit. All right. You cussed. I'm gonna write you up! Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) MS. MONET: Ronald? I heard you challenged Mr. Campbell to a fist fight. Why? A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Well, I disagree. Why is that? Your fist isn't going to solve the problem. You need a knife. This man is a pervert. Simply punching him is not enough. You need to cut him from his forehead all the way down to his chin. Damn, lady. I got this. Very well. That bitch crazy. CAMPBELL: Okay, Neil, so I think if you talk to Principal Tyler and just kind of reverse that story, everything will get worked out. So you want me to say I just made the whole thing up? Yeah. Why would I do that? Well, because this is all your fault. How? You're the one who tattled. I was in a very compromising situation. You would've done the same exact thing. I was in the exact same situation and did the opposite thing. Well, it's not the same exact situation, Neil, because you don't have a wife and kids, so you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Listen... I... (SIGHS) Come on, man, you gotta help me out here. Look, this has been a huge day for me, Mr. Campbell. Do you know how many hits we've got on the newspaper website? I mean, even kids who go to Churchill are reading about this. This is what I'm trying to fucking avoid here, Neil. People are going to get hurt. I'm going to get... Neil, come on. Buddy, let's do the right thing here. All right? Okay. Fine. MacBook Pro. I'm sorry, what? I'll do it for a MacBook Pro. Are you trying to blackmail me? Want me to lie for you or not? Hey, buddy, let's get one thing straight. I'm still a teacher at this school, okay? Are you? Yes! I could get you in a lot of trouble, Neil. Okay? How would you like it if I talked to your faculty advisor about this? My faculty advisor's Mr. Strickland. God damn it. You know, with the AppleCare, too. (LOUDLY) Yeah? I'll see you later, Mr. Campbell. Okay. What a day. (TIRES SCREECH) (PANTING) How can I help you? One MacBook Pro, please. Okay. Okie-dokie. Got it. Andy? - Hey! (LAUGHS) - Hey! - What? - I know! What are you... (STAMMERS) What is this? Why are you guys here? Why aren't you in school? Oh, I pulled her from P.E. We had to get a new outfit for the talent show. Apparently the old one wasn't good enough. But, honey, why are you here? It's 11:30. Shouldn't you be in class? Is it 11:30? Yeah, usually I have class now, but I think... Uh, yeah, I... Wait. Did you lose your job? No. What? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I knew that you wouldn't stand up to these people. I just knew it. - I knew it. - Wait, I'm sorry, what do you mean, you knew I wouldn't stand up to them? That came out wrong. What I'm saying is that, you know, sometimes, you just let people push you around. - I do? - It's... Yeah. - It's just your thing. - I have a thing? Well, yeah. You're... You're the nice guy, and then people are like, "Hey, I'm gonna stomp on that guy." You're spinning out, okay? Everything really is okay. I don't know why you don't believe me. Just 'cause you're acting kinda nervous and... Well, you caught me off guard! You're a little shifty, Daddy. Why are you here, Andy? Yeah, Daddy, why are you here? (NERVOUSLY) Uh... Buying your mom a computer. Stop it right now. Yeah, it was supposed to be a surprise... What? Honey, this is a MacBook! - Pro. - Pro? - With AppleCare. - This is the most expensive one! It's the most expensive one! And you insisted on us getting the cheaper one not too long ago. - I don't know what I was thinking! - I don't either. Because technology's always changing. You gotta keep up. Otherwise, you're one of those dumb families that doesn't have a MacBook Pro. I ruined the surprise. Now, let's talk about you. Why are you changing the song and wanting to change your outfit? MAGGIE: Tell your daddy. Remember Trisha? Yeah, sure. She's been making fun of me all year. And now she's saying it's lame I'm doing a dance from Rent with my dad. That's not a lame thing. You know what? Look, Trisha's lame. No, she's not. She always wins the talent show. Maybe you'll win the talent show. Right? I've been practicing all the moves! - MAGGIE: Oh! - You know what I mean? I got them down! I'm not gonna let you down. Right? Okay? And see, there's the smile I need! - See, now you're happy and you're happy. - I am. Let's get you back to school. - Okay. Bye, Daddy. I love you. - I love you, too. Everybody stop worrying and panicking, and get going. - Come on, go! - Thank you! A-get, get, get, get, get, get. (LAUGHS) (PANTS) Hi. Hey. Back so soon? - Yeah, I'm gonna need another one. - Okay. Oh, and do you mind spreading this one around a little bit? Yeah. Hey, man, did you hear about this teacher fight? It's gonna be fuckin' awesome. Fuck me. HOLLY: Hey, what is that? Baby oil? Hey, stop... Stop that. Hey! - (IRV GROANS) - (STUDENTS LAUGH) Twenty-two years of this motherfucking high school! So, uh, the truth is, I was mad at Mr. Strickland because he'd given me a bad, but fair grade - on my last test. - Yeah. And, you know, he never lashed out at me or anything like that. No. And my desk broke because I was leaning on it. You leaned on it, and then you blamed the teacher. Unbelievable. - Yeah. - Unbelievable. And Mr. Strickland got in a lot of trouble because of you. Whew! You know this completely contradicts your statement, right, Campbell? Look, we can get caught up in the whole statement game. Who said what and what they meant by what they said, and what words mean when people say them, and, you know, who's making a statement and what the statement means, and whose statement has something to do with something that someone else says. And, see, statements get... (STAMMERS) You know? And then... You said he chopped it with a fucking ax. Yeah, I know I said the chopping thing, didn't I? Yeah. But you know what? I was looking at the AV system, and I heard the crash and, you know, I did... You know how when you do one of these and you're like, "Oh, my God." And then your hands are flying in front of your face, and, like, that can look like chopping. But you were right there. He had the best view - of his own seat. - Yeah. So, forget my statement 'cause I wasn't in the right... - It was chaotic. - It was chaotic. Yeah. And shame on you because we have been through an ordeal over all of this. You should have come out and said that in the first place. - So... - He's right. Yeah, so there you have it. All right, I guess if that's your statement, we got no issue with Strickland. I'll tell him he can keep his job for now. Oh! (EXHALES) Sir, thank you so much. That is fantastic news. I wouldn't get too happy, Campbell. Because you're still under review, and you put me through a lot of shit today. Okay. Yeah, okay. Now, here's my statement. Get the fuck out of my office and don't come back today. Okay, yeah. Let's get out of here on these terms. Thank you again, for the... Are you kidding me? - Hey! - Hey. Hi. Oh, my God. How you feeling? Please tell me it's not a student. Is it a student? No. I'm not actually pregnant. No, I would never sleep with a student. - Good. - Without protection. By the way, did that twin say anything to you about me? No. He doesn't talk to me about you at all. - Yeah. - Okay. You know why? He's dating a cheerleader. (SIGHS) Games. I think it's because you're 20 years older than him. But in bed, it's like numbers don't matter. Except for the number of pumps. What? I'm sorry. You count pumps? I like stats. That's crazy. Hmm. Isn't it weird, though? - How, like, we're at work... - Yeah. We're just, like, seeing these kids grow up and then one day it's just like, bam, they're 18 and you can fuck 'em. No. - How that's just, like, a thing? - It's really not a thing. Or how they're like, "Slow down! "Don't run in the hallways." - Yeah. - And then you're like, - "Do you have a condom?" - Creeping on them and trying to... I want that teenage dick, you know? I want that teenis. Holly, why are you texting me that you're pregnant? I... I gotta be in class. Can you just wait one second? 'Cause it's all gonna make sense. - What's going on? - Here we go. - Who raped you? - No, no, no. Campbell, did you rape this woman? Whoa, whoa! What? I 911 texted him. There's been no rape. Thank you for your bravery. Well, what's going on? What the fuck is going on? That's a great question. Okay, I'm sorry for misleading you both, but this is a mediation. Said that like American Idol. - A mediation? - Yeah. No. Doesn't matter. Don't need it, okay? Because I... I got you your job back. You did what? Yeah. I talked to Principal Tyler and we worked it out. So, your job is safe, and... And we're all good here now. You should've talked to me before you did that. Oh. Uh... Okay. Sorry about that. I didn't realize you felt that way, but look, hey, consider it a nice surprise. So, we're good. You're such a little coward. Yeah, you are a pussy. You can't even ask a man a simple question. (STAMMERS) Hey, I thought you'd be happy. Ask the man a question. Yeah, I could put it in question form. - Do you want your job back? - No! I'm done with this place, and I woulda told you that if you weren't in my goddamn business again. Let's watch out for gun fingers. CAMPBELL: I'm confused on one thing here. You don't want your job? No. Then why the fuck are you trying to pick a fight with me, man? And why did I just spend thousands of dollars buying two MacBook Pros? I don't know why you do half the shit you do, Campbell. Okay, we're yelling too much! We're yelling at each other too much. Yeah. No shit! It's not going well right now, you guys. - It's not going well at all. - No. This is why I'm here, okay? I'm a guidance counselor. So use me! All right? Let's take a seat. - Are we walking towards the seats? - He doesn't want the... Yeah, but if you don't want the job, what is the... Kill the motherfucker today. I swear to God. Okay, so right off the bat, I'm noticing that Campbell, you're sitting at Israel. And Strickland, you've chosen Iran. Okay, I'm wondering if that's maybe sending a hostile message. You know, if we can get you to an ally country, you know, Italy or Spain or France. North Korea. That's a choice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Campbell, do you wanna find an ally? Holly, I'm gonna move past this. Okay? Look... I'm sorry you don't want your job back, but I did my part. I made things right, okay? - So, the fight is off. - (SCOFFS) Okay, Campbell feels that the fight should be off. Strickland, how do you feel? - No, the fight is still on. - Strickland feels the fight is still on. Yeah, no shit! I can hear the man speaking. - All right. - Look, why? Because actions have consequences, and everybody around here seem to forget about that. These students, they shit on this school all day and don't nobody do nothing. Little kids, they come in last place, and pussies like you, you wanna give 'em a trophy. I say fuck a trophy. Nobody's being held accountable anymore. So, I'mma hold you accountable. Yeah, you ratted on me. Now you got to pay the price. I'mma kick yo' ass at the end of the day in front of everybody. And you can consider this my final lesson. Yeah, you guys should fucking fight. This is crazy, you know? Do you hear yourself? I mean, you've become unhinged! Maybe. But let me tell you something. You don't show up to that fight this afternoon, an unhinged man might wanna do something real nasty to you. An unhinged man might show up at your house with a year's supply of duct tape. Pop out the bushes. Gut your ass like a fish. I could take my revenge anytime, anywhere. (BANGS TABLE) See you after school. Booty kick! (SIGHS) OPERATOR: Nine-one-one. What's your emergency? Yes, hi. There's a crazy guy at my high school. He's trying to beat me up. Nine-one-one is for emergencies only. If you have a problem with a bully, I need you to speak to a teacher. No... I am a teacher. Excuse me? It's actually another teacher who's gonna beat me up after school, - so that's why I'm calling. - I'm sorry, can you repeat what you just told me? Okay. My name is Andrew Campbell. I'm a teacher at Roosevelt High School. There's another teacher here who wants to have a fist fight with me after school. So, I need help. (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, very funny! Assault is a real thing. I would like you to stop laughing and listen to my... You're a grown man. Now go on and take that ass-whoopin'. - I'm asking you for help and... - (LINE DISCONNECTS) Fuck! (CHUCKLING) It takes courage... To become... People when you're older. And words are... Use... Useless. Apparently. Uh... Guys, you know, look, you try to be a nice guy, right? And treat everyone with respect, but you don't get it. You don't get it back in return. You know why? 'Cause nice guys, they finish last. Yeah. Everything is fucked up. This is a fucked up school, filled with lunatic teachers! Your teachers are fucking nuts! Man, this is fucked up. He's having a breakdown. - We can't prank him. - Shh! And you're gonna say, "Hey, I'm a nice guy. I'm doing okay." And the world is gonna unzip its pants, pull them down, and take a giant fucking shit all over you guys. I just can't win, guys! I cannot win. Why is there rope around my feet? - (GROANS) - (STUDENTS EXCLAIM) (SCREAMING) (HORSE NEIGHING) Motherfucking little motherfucking sons of bitches! This ain't right. Playing pranks used to be fun. This shit is getting violent. I look like a fucking minion! Holy cow! They got both of you, huh? Man, I gotta get pranked. All right, you know what? I'm fucking done with this shit. Yeah. I really am. No more Mr. Nice Guy, right? No more playing by the rules like a stupid little bitch, who didn't realize everyone else in the school threw the rulebook out years ago. All right? Strickland wants to fuck with me, and the kids want to fuck with me. Everyone wants to fuck with me. Guess what though? Campbell's gonna fuck right back. Yeah, let's get laid. I'm trying to... I'm trying to explain that I'm gonna... Holly, shut up! Shut the fuck up! You're always... (GRUNTS) I'm sorry. I lashed out. This has not been a good day. So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna frame Strickland for a crime he didn't commit. Wait. What? You're gonna do what? Something occurred to me as I was getting dragged down a flight of stairs by a horse on meth. I get some meth, right? I stick it in his classroom or some shit. I tip off the cops, they show up, and then boom! They arrest him. And I'm not gonna be in a fight today. Hey! Maybe I won't be in a fight ever 'cause I don't know what kinda past record this guy has. Yes. Yes, I fucking love this plan. Let's do it! Yes! Okay. Right? See? Good! Holly's with me. I wouldn't tangle with no police. I'm from the streets. You do not go to no cops, okay? You might have to just man up and throw down with this dude. Come on, Coach. I can't fight him. You said it yourself. I don't know, Campbell. I don't know. Maybe I was wrong. You're so pissed off right now, you might even win. You really think I could win? Tell you something. All it takes is one punch. All right. I just... I just don't know the first thing about fighting. - Make a fist. - (SIGHS) - Come on! Make a fist! - Okay. Okay. Okay. - Are you serious? - Yeah. This the fucking 1700s? I don't know! I... Get your fists up. Protect yourself before you get punched in the head! All right. Like how? Show me how! (SCREAMS) - Fuck! - What? CAMPBELL: What the fuck was that? Was that too hard? 'Cause it felt awesome. Punched me right in my fucking ear. - Ah! Shit! Why did you do that? - 'Cause you said, "Like how?" When he was talking about getting hit in the head. I meant, "Like how do I make a fist?" Not, "Like how do I get punched in the fucking head?" - Oh, Jesus Christ! - Got it. That makes sense. I wasn't listening to the conversation. - Yeah! No shit! - I kind of zoned out. I was bored. God damn it. Well, obviously I can't fight this guy. No. So, back to the meth idea? - Yeah, I think that's a good idea. - Best shot you got. - That's all I got, right? - HOLLY: Yeah. Okay, so, Holly, give me some meth. Me? Yeah, no. I don't have drugs. I thought you said you did. No, I don't do drugs at school. I do them before I come to school. Shit. All right. Well, where am I gonna get drugs? Campbell, this is a public high school in the United States of America. There literally could not be a better place to buy drugs. CAMPBELL: (ON VIDEO) Yes, hi. There's a crazy guy - at my high school. - Hey. I need your help. - What's up? - Nine-one-one is for emergencies only. - What the fuck is this? - It's my new MacBook Pro. (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) My name is Andrew Campbell. Andrew Campbell. Andrew Campbell. Is that my 911 call? This kid in Taiwan made a YouTube video about it. It's so awesome! How the fuck did it get to Taiwan? - (CRYING LIKE A BABY) - Well, I don't sound like... How many hits has it got? - Now go and take that ass-whooping. - CAMPBELL: Jesus Christ! All right, look. Listen to me. Listen to me. I need you to sell me some drugs, okay? Sorry, I don't know anything about that. Cut the shit, all right? Holly told me that you deal. So, let's just... You can deal with me. (STAMMERS) We'll do a drug deal. IPhone. I'm sorry, what? Look, maybe I deal, maybe I don't. I'll tell you for a new iPhone. Listen, to me you little fucking shit. I will take that iPhone, I will shove it right up your fucking ass, okay? - Stop... (LAUGHS) - (RUSTLING) - Chill, dude. - Yeah, yeah. You chill. Okay. Look, look, look. Be a good boy. Sell me some drugs. Okay. Just relax. What do you want? I don't know. Give me some... Give me some meth or something. Well, I just sell molly. Then why are you asking me what do I want, Neil? I don't know. Okay, Neil. Sell me an eighth of Molly or whatever it is. (LAUGHS) Do you even know what molly is? I will rip your head off of your neck. I will shit down your throat, okay? That... That's where I am right now. I'm a broken man, Neil. Hmm. Okay? - Okay, man. - Yeah? Okay? Right here? Just like this? Jesus Christ. All right, give it to me. All right. Give me the money. Fuck you. (STRAINING) Hello. (IMITATES KNIFE CUTS) (GRUNTS) Yikes. (STRAINING) What the fuck is this? It's my goddamn car! Oh, shit! Fuck me. God damn! Why are you kicking it? I can't... I can't believe what they did to your car! - Fucking monsters. - Yeah. Fucking animals. - Fucking animals. - Yeah, little... Little... Little animals! Right. Listen. Since I ran into you, I have to tell you, we moved your interview back to 2: 15. I actually have to go to my daughter's elementary school to do a talent show dance thing with her by 2:30. So you want me to accommodate the fact that you're gonna skip out of campus in the middle of the fucking day. Good point. Sorry, sir. Yeah. (STAMMERS) I'll make it work. Good. And could you take your foot off my car? Yeah, right. So, I'll be there for the appointment. I'll keep my foot on the car. No. Move your foot off my car. Can't do it. Get your foot off my fucking car! If I take my foot off, then the kids win, sir! The kids don't give two shits. Get your foot off my fucking car. My car's already fucked up! But we have to put our foot down on the car, sir. - Off my car! - Okay, okay! What the fuck! Get your God damn foot off my car! Yes, sir. The foot's coming off right now. But before it comes off, let me just explain myself here. MALE STUDENT 1: (ON PA) A very important announcement. - (STUDENT 2 GIGGLING) - If anyone finds a two-inch penis, please return it to Principal Tyler. MALE STUDENT 2: It's his. You gotta be fucking shitting me. MALE STUDENT 1: Stay tuned for more announcements. (PLAYING MARIACHI MUSIC) Will you guys shut the fuck up? Here we go. All right. Police are in Strickland's classroom with Mehar. But that dog ain't finding shit. - What? - You sure that kid really sold you meth? Well, no. It wasn't meth. It was molly. - Molly? - Yeah. Why? What? Dogs can't smell molly. What did you do? What do you mean, what did I do? I didn't know they can't smell molly. Why not? Campbell, you have to train a dog to smell specific drugs, okay? How do you think this thing works? I don't know how it works. I thought you guys knew how it worked. We do. Well, if you do, you should have told me. What the... - Oh, snap! - HOLLY: What? CRAWFORD: Cops are leaving the classroom. - This is over. - It's over? Campbell, I'm from the streets. Trust me when I tell you it's over. Oh, shit! God damn it. Fucking damn it! Okay. You know what? You have to relax. I got something for you. Take a hit of this. Yeah. Yeah. What the fuck is that? I thought you said you didn't have drugs! I don't. I have weed. Jesus! Fuck! Give... (GRUNTING) STRICKLAND: Nice landing, dick wad. You tried to plant drugs on me, didn't you? That's why that dog was here. But they couldn't smell those drugs, could they? (CHUCKLES) You fucked up, Campbell. I'm in your head. I know what you gonna do before you even do it. Back off. Back off. All your hard work, sneaking around lying and shit. Now it's just you and me. Don't come closer. What you think? They're gonna come in here if you light that little toothpick pencil joint? You wanna find out? Hey! Don't do it. You be a man. I refuse! You know, first I was just gonna punch you a whole lot, Campbell. Now, I think I'm gonna break every bone in your body. Help! (COUGHING) Help! Police! What the fuck are you doing, man? Get away from that God damn door. You know what? I should kill your ass. Okay, guys. What seems to be the trouble here? Strickland was smoking marijuana. And he has molly in his bag. And who are you? I'll straighten this out for everyone. Mr. Andy Campbell, English teacher. Probably a nice guy, but a bit of a worm and a sneak. Mr. Strickland, reputation of a hot-head. Scary, yet effective with the students. Do I trust either of them? Absolutely not. All right, we got this. Yeah, we got this. You stay out this shit, Mehar. Technically, this is occurring during school hours, so I cannot stay out this S-word. There is contraband in here. Who does this belong to? Him. The drugs are in his bag. This man is obviously the drug addict. Look at his eyes. They burgundy red. Let the record reflect his eyes are red. I mean, it's very dry in the room. It's not that dry. It is wet with lies. He's holding an ax! This is true as well. Mr. Strickland is brandishing a weapon. (AX CLATTERS) We all saw that. Am I the only one here who sees what's going on? Hello! Hello. Not hello you. Hello, we're in his classroom! Hello, there are drugs in his bag! Hello, this man is obviously the culprit here. I just said "hello" back. He said "hello," I said "hello." Let's move past that. Just arrest... Arrest the guy. Campbell, you've had your say. Mr. Strickland, care to respond? Fuck the police. (BOTH GRUNT) Nice plan, asshole. (SIREN WAILING) Ally, hey! Sweetie, listen, something's come up at uh, work and... (SIGHS) I'm not gonna be able to make it to the talent show. Daddy, you promised you would make it. You promised me. I know. Sometimes, adults' lives are complicated, you know, funny things you can't predict. I can't believe you're not gonna come. I'm gonna look like such an idiot. Trisha's gonna ruin me. Forget about that girl. I mean, she sounds like a big bully to me. And believe me, I know what that's like. Hello? (CAMPBELL EXHALES) Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Yeah, that's what it is, you know. You know what I told my wife today? I said, "Hey, honey, everything's gonna be okay." Yeah. And that was a big fat lie, wasn't it? I mean, I'm definitely not gonna make the meeting, so I'll lose my job, and I've let my daughter down, and now I'm probably gonna be in prison when my child is born. So... Yo, who fault is that? No, that's a good question. Whose fault is it? It's your fucking fault. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, because you know what I don't do? I don't swing axes at the students. Yeah, that's a little bit of a step too far, I think. But not for you. No. You know why? Because you're a fucking maniac. "Whose fault is it?" God damn it! Fucking crazy. What's up, man? How are you doing? Yeah, getting locked up. It's fucking... This is some BS, right? Shit. I... I don't mean to, you know, interrupt your seething or whatever it is you're doing over here, but I just got in a little argument with my friend and he starts talking some serious shit about you. And he's goin' on and on, and he's calling you a bitch, and a big fat pussy, and a little fucking pussy bitch, and he says that you're his bitch. - What? - Yeah. I couldn't believe it. He just keeps going on and on and on that he wants to fight you. I'm like, "This guy? There's no way! No way!" - Him? - Well, don't point. Yeah, don't point. What, it's your first time getting locked up, man? Come on. Yeah. But, yeah, him. Yeah. If he wants to fight me, I'm right here. Yeah. Yeah, you're here. He's there. You could just go over there. And I'd stay here if you're worried about losing your seat. I can see that that's not it. Okay. I tell you what. I'll go over there, and if he nods like this that means he wants to fight you now. But again, man, he's not gonna come here because he thinks you're a big fat bitch. Again, these are his words, they're not mine. So just look for that nod and know that he's calling you the biggest bitch on the planet. Okay. I gotta go. Okay, so you still wanna fight? Forget it. What? Maybe I went a little overboard earlier. But at least I did something. Fight's off. Wait. What? Why? First, I was just pissed off at you. Wanted to wring your little neck. - Yeah. - But then I start thinking. What if the school saw how they pitted two teachers against each other? Maybe the fight'll make a difference and something would change. But you won't even man up and fight. So, forget it. Fight's off. You can go take a free period now. That's... That's the best news I've heard all day. That's great. Yeah! I'll take that free period. Awesome, man. So, the fight's off? That's great! You nodding at me? Fuck you! No, no, no! Sorry, sir. That nod was not for you. You can sit back down. You wanna fight me, bitch? What'd you say to me? No, no, no! He doesn't wanna fight you anymore. - Yeah, no. Go back. - Anymore? At all! Yeah, no. Guys, there's no fights today. Didn't you hear? Great news! Man, stand up, bitch. What you got? Oh, no! Oh. Oh. I got a whole lot! I got stuff, too. But I'm not fighting, you know? Guys, guys, this has just been a misunderstanding. - (GRUNTS) - (SHRIEKS) - Yeah. - All right. (SHRIEKING) Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Nighty-night. Nighty-night. You sic this man on me, Campbell? That was a mistake. Yeah. That... I changed my mind. Okay. Calm down. The fight is back on. Come on, man. You might have done the same thing in my position. This time I'm gonna kill your ass. Just take it easy. Take a deep breath, okay? Hey! You two. The molly you tried to pin on each other is aspirin. Come on. Aspirin. That little fucker tried to rip me off! Wait a sec. What time is it? What time is it? I still got time! I still have time to make everything! Hey, Campbell! I'll see you at 3:00. Hey! It's a bloodbath in there. Holly, Ms. Monet... We all got fired. No! You, too? These damn jeans didn't impress anybody. Oh, shit. I'm sorry, Crawford. Hey, Suzie. I'm here. Are they ready for me? They said they need just a minute. Okay, you sure it's just gonna be a minute? Because I'm trying to get to my daughter's talent show. Oh, it's just gonna be a minute. - Suzie, I don't have a minute. - Sixty seconds. (SIGHS) Shit! Okay. Okay. - (CLOCK TICKING) - (SIGHS) What the fuck is going on in there? Just one more minute. Respectfully, Suzie, fuck this, okay? I'm going in. - No, Andy. - I'm going in! Why do you think they haven't called for you? Andy! - (LAUGHING) - Hey, hi! I'm sorry, what's going on? I was supposed to start at 2: 15. Oh! Uh, uh... Superintendent Johnson and I were just talking about his fishing trip to Alaska. I caught a halibut. You... You caught a halibut. Well, congratulations, sir. I... I'm sitting out there and missing my daughter's... (SIGHS) You know what? I don't wanna cause trouble. Could I just make my teacher's statement now? Is that all right? Well, actually, that won't be necessary. - Why? - Turns out we've reached our limit on how many experienced teachers we can let go and still be in compliance with state policy. We gotta make cuts from somewhere else. Yeah. We're done here. Anyway, it's an executive course right by the airport, right? Okay, thanks for the job, I guess. PRINCIPAL TYLER: Step tight. Pop! You know. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) I'm sorry though. What cuts are you gonna make? It's none of your business, Campbell. Well, no, it is my business, right? I... I teach at the school. So, what are you gonna do? I... I mean, you gonna cut buying new books or are you gonna shorten the school year? You gonna increase the class sizes again? That one was a real bright idea. Now would be a real good time for you to stop talking. Yeah, now... Now would be a good time for me to stop talking, but I'm not gonna stop talking, okay? 'Cause I... I'm asking a question. So, I'm sorry, but what cut... No, I'm not sorry. All right? I think, in fact, I'm tired of always saying I'm sorry. I asked you guys a direct fucking question. What cutbacks are you gonna make? Campbell, this doesn't concern you, okay? You're just a teacher. Wow! Really? I'm just a teacher? Well, all right. You're right. I may be just a teacher, but I'm pretty sure that qualifies me to ask a goddamn question about something that's gonna affect my ability to fucking teach! Campbell, get your ass out of here while you still got a job! No, I can't do it, man, because I'm done listening to you. And I know I'm just a teacher, but that ought to be worth something around here. In fact, that ought to be worth everything to you guys, but instead, you treat us like shit. And you don't give us the tools to do our jobs properly. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but Strickland's right. The students are running all over the fucking school. So this may be just a teacher's opinion, but you guys fucking suck at your jobs. And if you ever leave me waiting outside again so you can talk about a goddamn fishing trip, I will walk right in here and I'll punch you right in the fucking teeth, Tyler. Stick that halibut up your ass! (SINGING TUNELESSLY) Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes Five hundred twenty-five thousand Moments so dear (WHISPERS) She's so lame. Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes - How do you measure a year in the life? - Oh, God. How about love? (GIGGLING) How about love? How about... (GIGGLING) Oh, shit! - Honey, what... - Hey. What the hell happened to you? Sweetie. Look, I've had a crazy day, okay? I... I don't have time to explain. Look, can you do me a big favor right now? Okay. I need you to see if you can get them to play that... That Big Sean song. - Can you do it? - Yeah. Okay. Okay. I'm gonna talk to Ally. Oh, my God! You're the best! Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Let's give it up again for Ally Campbell and her... And herself. (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) Hey, buddy. Um, I'm gonna need a little favor from you. - (SOBBING) - Ally! Ally! Hey, sweetie. Daddy, where were you? Okay, okay, I can explain that later, all right? But right now, sweetie, we're going right back out there. No, Daddy. The rules are that we have to... Don't worry about the rules, okay? We're not gonna play by the rules, all right? - We're not? - No! Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna do the Big Sean song. Wait, we are? - Yeah! Mom's working on it. - She is? I'll follow your lead and the moves are the same, right? Yeah, the moves are the same. (MUSIC PLAYING) There it goes. Okay, we gotta go. - Let's get out there. Let's go. - Okay, let's do this. Go, go, go. Trisha, this song is for you. (RAPPING) I don't fuck with you (GASPING) You little stupid ass bitch I ain't fuckin' with you What? You little You little dumb ass bitch I ain't fuckin' with you I got a million trillion things That I'd rather fuckin' do All right, fuck it. This what we're doing? All right. Than to be fucking with you Little stupid ass I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck I don't, I don't I don't give a fuck Bitch, I don't give a fuck about you Or anything that you do Don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do I heard you got a new man I see you takin' a pic Then you post it up Thinkin' that it's makin' me sick But I see you calling I be makin' it quick I'mma answer that shit like I don't fuck with you You little stupid ass bitch I ain't fucking with you You little dumb ass bitch I ain't fucking with you (MUSIC STOPS) I got a million trillion things That I'd rather fucking do Okay, music stopped. Than to be fucking with you Little stupid ass I don't give a fuck - I don't give a fuck - Yeah! I don't, I don't I don't give a fuck bitch. - They just stopped the music. - I don't give a fuck about you Or anything that you do Don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do Need you to stop. Okay. Who's the loser now, Trisha? Bully this, bitch! (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) Oh, my! I was unaware of the lyrics and... And the strong language in that song, so I do apologize. But you know what? I apologize for nothing else. (FEEDBACK) (ALL CHEERING) Yeah! Way to go, Ally! That's my girl! Whoo! Oh. Damn! (BOTH LAUGHING) Way to go, kid! Thanks, Dad. I'm gonna be a rock star here now. Yeah, no. - I... I think you're gonna be expelled. - Oh... Yeah, yeah. But, look, look, I'm super proud of you - for standing up for yourself, okay? - Yeah. All right, I gotta go do the same, all right? - Daddy's gotta run. - Wait, where are you going? Daddy's gotta get in a fist fight. Shit! Hey! That's my scooter! No shit. Fuck, man. (STUDENTS MURMURING) STUDENT: Mr. Campbell! (ALL CHEERING) Let's go! Kill him! - Come on, man, Campbell! Come on, baby. - Yes, get him! Kill him! Fucking kill him. Fucking destroy him. (PLAYING THEME FROM ROCKY) (LOUD CHEERING) You ready to do this, motherfucker? (LAUGHS) You actually sound like a real man, Campbell. Maybe one of your nuts dropped today. I'll drop your nuts, bitch. Back the fuck up. Let's go. You wanna see what I'm made out of? (ALL GASP) Oh, fuck! See? Let that be a lesson to you. Actions have consequences. - Campbell! - (CHEERING) You want some more of this, huh, boy? Oh, shit! - (STUDENTS CHEERING) - (BOTH GRUNTING) How do you like this ass-whooping, Campbell? I fucking love it, bitch! (BOTH GRUNTING) Ahh! Shit! - (GROANING) - HOLLY: Oh, shit! (YELLS) - ALL: Oh! - That's my stuff, damn it! Yeah! (GROANS) ALL: Oh! - (GRUNTS) - (GROANS) God damn it! Fuck! - Oh, my God! - Oh! - Shit! Fuck this shit. - Campbell, stay down! CRAWFORD: Campbell, stay down! CRAWFORD: Bruce Lee style! God damn it. (GROANING) Right here. I should just kill you. Fuck you, man. Whoever dies first haunts the school. CRAWFORD: You've got this, Campbell! Okay, come here. Come here. GIRL: Take it, bitch! Fuck you! Come on, this way. (LAUGHS) (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) - Stop this! - It is not my job to stop this. STRICKLAND: Fake ass John McEnroe! (GROANS) Yeah! Ooh, mother... (GRUNTS) (YELLING) ALL: Oh! Oh, shit! WOMAN: Come on, motherfucker! Get up! - You got this! - Whoo! I don't think he's got this. Motherfucker! (GRUNTING) CRAWFORD: Come on! Kick his ass! What's the matter, Campbell? You looking tired. You throwing less and less punches. - It's "fewer and fewer." - ALL: Oh! The proper sentence structure is "fewer and fewer". Never trash talk an English teacher, okay? ALL: Oh! CRAWFORD: Get up, Campbell! Get up! HOLLY: He's getting up! CRAWFORD: Get up! STUDENT: He's getting up! (CROWD CHEERING) You can run, but you can't hide. Campbell! Where you at, light roast? Campbell? Campbell? Where the fuck are you at? Surprise, bitch! (GRUNTS) Get the fuck off me! Shit! You dirty mother... What the fuck is this shit? Campbell! Come here. So I can fuck you up. Come here. You know, I'm gonna kick your ass. You want some of this? You little son of a bitch. What you got? Come on, motherfucker. What do I got? (PANTING) I got nothing to lose! Oh, I'm learning so much! - (BOTH YELLING) - WILLIAM: Almost there. Oh! I came anyway, motherfuckers! Fuck over here. Shit! Excuse me, I'm the superintendent. Get out of my way. I'mma kill you. Kill you. Tap your fucking ass. You like baseball, Strickland? Batter up, bitch! - The, uh, kids superglued that down. - Huh? - I know. They're freaking clever. - (YELLING) Jesus, watch out! Stay down, light roast. What are you doing, Campbell? What the... (GROANS) Fuck! (LAUGHING) Fuck me! Oh, shit! - (CAMPBELL GROANS) - ALL: Oh! My fucking windshield! (GROANING) Shit! (YELLS IN PAIN) I'm about sick of this shit, Campbell. You want some more of this, boy? (GROANING) ALL: Oh! (CAMPBELL PANTING) School's out for the summer, everybody. (ALL CHEERING) Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! CROWD: (CHANTING) Campbell! Campbell! I'm never gonna stop fighting! Uh-uh! I'm never gonna stop fighting for myself. For my family, for this school! The fight never ends! The fight never ends! - Whoo! - (ALL GASP) Like he said, the fight never ends. Unless you're him. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Uh, no, well, he's... He's actually out right now. Uh-huh. Oh, shit, okay. I'll make him aware. Water! Anybody got water? (SPITS, COUGHING) What happened? You got knocked the fuck out. Yeah, I feel that now. But look, man. Your wife just called. She said you're having a baby. Oh, shit, for real? I gotta go then. (GROANS) Hey, look. Can you give me a lift to the hospital? I kind of totaled my car. - All right. Let's roll. I got you. - All right. You got gas money? HOLLY: Hey! Hey, you! What the hell, man? You're just gonna walk away? Just gonna leave like this? On these terms? What the hell are you talking about? Who are you? I... Holly. We've been flirting, like, all fucking year. I've been, like, ignoring you all year. Oh. Because I've been playing games with you all year. I knew it! It's 3: 15 and I'm not a student anymore. Let's do this. (TIRES SCREECH) Ah, shit. Oh, yeah. Thanks. Emergency! Hey, get off your ass, lady. Sir, emergency's on the other side of the building. What? No, no. Not me. We need maternity. Maternity's third floor. Let's go deliver this baby. - I got it from here. Yeah. - You sure? Yeah, it's a hospital. So they got doctors and stuff. But, listen. Uh... Thank you, man. Like, thank you for the fight. Really. You did good. Get the fuck off me. What you doing? Yeah. That was a dumb idea. All right, yeah. See ya. Go hug your wife. REPORTER: (ON TV) Two teachers pitted against each other in a school fight to end all school fights. A lot of people are saying this has proven the depths to which the public school system has fallen. The school board is launching an investigation saying something needs to change. - (CHUCKLES) Yeah. - Live from Roosevelt High School, Channel 68 News. That's us. Hashtag teacher fight! (MOANING) - Maggie! Hi! - Andy! I was so afraid that you wouldn't make it. - Are you okay? - What happened to you? I... I got into a little bit of a fight. With who? You look like hell! - With another teacher. Yeah. - What? But it's okay. So, honey, listen to me. Listen to me. - I lost my job. - What? But not 'cause I didn't stand up to those guys. You should have seen me stand up to those guys. - No, no, no, it's because you were right! - Yeah? Okay. And... And I want you to believe me right now. I want you to believe me when I tell you everything's gonna be okay. - Yeah? - I believe you. - You do? - I believe you. Yeah? - Everything's gonna be okay, sweetie. - It's gonna be okay. Oh, God! Is it time to push? Or where are we? Oh, no. We've been pushing for a while, baby. - Okay. Go! Push! - Here we go. Here we go. (GROANS) (BOTH GRUNTING) (YELLING) (CHUCKLES) She's squirming around. I think we got a little fighter on our hands. - I think so, too. - You wanna take her for a minute? - I would love to. - Okay. - Are you a little hungry? - Yeah! Are you a little hungry, baby? - Time to eat! - Yeah! Hey, Ally looks happy, huh? MAGGIE: Oh, yeah! She's very popular now. I think some of the kids are actually kind of afraid of her. That's a good thing, I think. How we doing here? What you going for? Hot dog? Hamburger? Both! Hey, Crawford, you want a dog? I want a dog but no bun. I'm trying to fit into my skinny jeans. I think I look good in them. (LAUGHS) HOLLY: Trying to fit into his skinny jeans. CAMPBELL: Yeah, yeah. It's not his look. - Campbell. - HOLLY: They look terrible. Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. You here to fire everybody again? Yeah, yeah. Cut the shit, Campbell. I don't wanna be here any more than you want me to, okay? Well, I wouldn't say that I don't want you here. But why are you here? Well, because of the media attention, you and Strickland became like education folk heroes. Yeah, how about that, huh? So, the board wants both of you back at Roosevelt because of this PR mess. So, this is fun. So, he sent you here to beg me to come back? He said my job depends on it. Did he really? Ouch. Shoot. So, this is a tough one for me, you know? 'Cause I didn't leave on great terms and... (SIGHS) Boy, it sucks when your job's in someone else's hands like this. Enough of your shit, okay? Are you gonna come back or not? Tell you what. I'll come back on one condition. You the man, Campbell! Thank you. Thanks for getting our jobs back. I'm glad I didn't cut you. Yeah. Huh? Yeah, you really saved our asses. (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) Yo! (LAUGHS) Hey! Look, man, I'm, uh... I'm really happy you decided to take your job back. Yeah. To be honest, I kinda missed these little fuckers. They keep me young, you know what I mean? All right, well, what do you say we get back to work and no free periods, right? - Goddamn right. - Okay. - (GROANS) - Hey! Hey! You cut out all that grab-assing. CAMPBELL: You get your ass to detention, Freddie. All right, I'm not joking around. You get there before I kick it there! I will kick you into oblivion, Freddie. I will kick you into dust! - Whoa, Campbell. Take it down a notch. - (CHUCKLES) I'm supposed to be the scariest motherfucker in this school, not you. That's true. All right, man, you ready to do this thing? - Do it. - Boom. Up top! Down low. - Enough of that shit. - I'll fight you again. I've been waiting to fuck you up for a long time. (CHUCKLES) Why? (BOTH LAUGHING) But I'll tell you for an iPhone. Listen to me, you fuck shit. I will fucking rip your head off of your head. I will shit down your neck. I will fucking smash my shit into your butthole. (LAUGHING) Is there... A horse? - Yeah, there's some shit. - Sorry about that, guys. - Right. I'm out. - MAN: Cut. - See you in a bit. - (HOLLY LAUGHING) I never said nothing about no running. Who's you? Seabiscuit? You don't run nowhere. That's the old Andy because the new Andy... (STAMMERS) I'm not gonna... I'm gonna just ramble. Forever. I think maybe one of your nuts dropped today. I'mma drop your nuts down somewhere. (ALL LAUGHING) Finish it! - Fuck this shit! - Come on. This way. (LAUGHS) Make it whole wheat. And can I have some pork and beans with that? No dog. Just tuna fish. Just a little bit of sauerkraut and some relish. Just Cheezdoodles. Light on the cheese and heavy on the doodle. I'm trying to be like Steve McQueen. They call me True Grit. I'm a weirdo. You know my style. (LAUGHS) Yeah. I'm stressed out, too. My neighbor got a cat. - Oh, you don't like a cat looking at you? - Creeps me out. It's always when I'm masturbating, too. (CHUCKLES) I will be done with my classes by then. It's not a fucking question! (BOTH LAUGHING) I still have the knife. Say the word and I will end him. Damn, girl. No! (STAMMERING) Am I the only one here who sees what's going on? Hello? - Hello. - (LAUGHS) Hello! Hello! - Hello. - (LAUGHS) He said "hello." And I said "hello" back. (LAUGHING) I caught a halibut, man. Way to go, Ally! That's my girl! Bully this, bitch! You have a wife? You got a wife? Yes, you know I have a wife. We talked about it two scenes ago. (LAUGHING) Is that the wrong thing to do? Is that an unlikeable thing to do? Yeah! But boo-fucking-hoo! I can be a dick, too. You wanna see me be a dick? Hmm. So what do you teach here? I teach gym, but I'm a singer. Can I sing a song to you? Uh, uh... Go ahead. Shorty, I'm there for you Anytime you need me For real, girl It's me in your world Believe me, nothing make a man feel better than a woman Queen with a crown that be down for whatever There are few things that's forever, my lady We can make war or make babies That's not technically a song. That's kinda like a rap. It still sound good, don't it? It did! It did. Why you keep shaking your legs like you got something down there - moving. - Because you make me nervous. Because I feel love when I see you. And I mean love. What'd you said your name was again? English - SDH