Vanessassary Roughness

(Scene opens up showing Vanessa and Dr. Doofenshmirtz riding on a scooter.)

Vanessa: Dad, I need a car. I can't keep riding on the back of your scooter every time I go someplace. It's totally embarrassing.

Biker: Hey, sweetheart. How'd you like to take a ride on a real bike?

Doofenshmirtz: She's sixteen!

(Doofenshmirtz zaps him with his helmet. The biker is zapped into another dimension where a giant baby alien is in a crib.)

Baby alien: (giggles) Oh, yeah!

(The alien hits the biker with his rubber hammer.)

Doofenshmirtz: You know, ever since I installed the Away-inator on my helmet, driving is fun again!

(Cut to the Flynn-Fletchers and Stacy in a car)

Phineas: Hey, Ferb, check this out. (looking at a map) The Super-Duper Megastore is the largest supplier of everything in the Tri-State Area. Heh. I know what we're gonna do today!

Candace: Well, I'm gonna buy Jeremy a gift. It's the anniversary of the very first time Jeremy and I went to Slushy Burger. He spilled a cheese dog on me and mustard got all over the place. He was so sweet.

Stacy: Hmm. Tough one. I don't think they make a card for that.

(Doofenshmirtz's scooter catches up with the Flynn-Fletcher car. Ferb notices Vanessa and opens his window. As he looks at her, flowers float by and music plays as he watches with his mouth slightly open before she drives away.)

Phineas: So Mom, what are you gonna get at the store?

Linda: I need a 25 pound tub of mayonnaise and 80 pounds of potatoes to make potato salad for the bridge club.

Phineas: (Puts away his map) Wow. That's a lot of potato salad.

Linda: (Parks the car) Remember to meet me back at the car in three hours. (Everyone leaves the car)

(Inside the superstore)

Phineas: Wow, think of it, Ferb. Fifty-two million, six-hundred thirty-seven thousand square acres of unbridled consumerism all under one roof.

Ferb: (Wolf whistles)

Phineas: You can whistle that again.

Ferb: (Wolf whistles)

Linda: (While walking him to the Park Your Pooch department on a leash) And you get to go to the pet-sitter's, Perry.

(Perry chatters)

(Outside the superstore)

Doofenshmirtz: (takes off his helmet) If you want a car, (Vanessa takes off her helmet) you're going to have to prove to me that you're responsible, that you can do things by yourself.

Vanessa: How could I do that when I'm always on the back of your scooter?

Doofenshmirtz: (Walks into the superstore) It's a conundrum, isn't it?

(Back inside the superstore, one of the dogs drops a bone which is an OWCA communication device)

Major Monogram: (talking from a screen set into the bone) Psst. Agent P. Agent P. (Perry puts on his fedora) Down here. (Camera zooms into the bone) It's the new dog bone communicator. Pretty clever, huh?

Carl: I thought of it, Agent P.

Major Monogram: Carl, I'm trying to use the bone. (to Perry) Anyway, Agent P, we've learned that Dr. Doofenshmirtz is shopping for parts to build another one of his outlandish devices. Put a tail on him. (Perry climbs on the backs of three dogs to jump over the wall and emerges into the clothing department. He notices Phineas and Ferb coming; runs to get some pants, a shirt, brown shoes, and some glasses; and runs into the fitting room. He comes out looking like the guy standing by the fitting room)

("Fabulous" instrumental)

Man: You look fabulous!

Vanessa: So I've got to find some way to prove to you I'm responsible. There must be an easier way to earn a car.

Doofenshmirtz: You know what they say about taking the easy way.

Vanessa: What do they say?

Doofenshmirtz: Well, I could tell you, but that would be taking the easy way, and you know what they say about that. Ooh, look! Pizzazium Infinionite!

Vanessa: What's that?

(Doofenshmirtz plays an old film about it on the nearby projector)

Film Speaker: You've heard of hydrogen. You may know boron. But of all the elements on the periodic table, none is more fascinating and less abundant than Pizzazium Infinionite. Pizzazium Infinionite was first discovered by fortune hunters fifty years ago in the year 1894. No one is really sure what it does, but look to the future for hover vehicles powered by Pizzazium Infinionite, in the world of tomorrow!

Doofenshmirtz: See? That's what it is.

Vanessa: Where did you get the...

Doofenshmirtz: It's gone! Someone took the last one!

(Meanwhile...)

Baljeet: What luck! Pizzazzium Infinionite! That science prize is as good as mine!

Buford: So why am I here again?

Baljeet: Because, (hands it to Buford to hold) as a person of superior intellect, I require an angry wall of meat to protect my science project.

Buford: Angry wall of meat, huh? Yeah, I can do that.

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, great. Now I have to scour this whole place and find the Pizzazzium and probably have to wrench it out of the hands of some random shopper.

(Camera pans to Perry peering around a shelf then back to Doofenshmirtz and Vanessa)

Vanessa: Wait, Dad. I can do this for you. I can go find this--this Pizzazzium thing and prove to you that I can be responsible. That I can do things on my own. Then you can get me my own car, right?

Doofenshmirtz: I don't know. Are you sure you can...

Vanessa: Of course I can. I'm me. It'll be a piece of cake.

Doofenshmirtz: We'll see.

Vanessa: (sing-song) I'm not hearing a no.

Doofenshmirtz: (sing-song) I'm not saying a yes. (pause) Here, you can take this Pizzazzium locator. It'll help.

(Perry ducks out of sight)

(Cut to Candace and Stacy walking down an isle) 

Candace: How am I gonna find that one perfect gift in this humongous store?

Stacy: Hey, isn't Jeremy into camping?

Candace: Yeah.

Stacy: So maybe a pocket knife, or a fishing lure,...or a compound bow. (imitates someone shooting an arrow) Take that, apple on kid's head!

Candace: (gasps) He said he needed a lantern!

Stacy: Yeah, a lantern's good.

Baljeet: And then I will start my own foundation to... Are you not hearing me?

Buford: What? Buford hungry. (accidentally drops tube of Pizzazzium Infinionite over balcony)

Baljeet: I really have to rethink having you as my wall of meat.

(Cut back to Candace and Stacy, who are walking down the lantern aisle)

Candace: Too big.

Stacy: Too small.

Candace: Oh, I don't want to get him just any old lantern.

Stacy: You can't expect the perfect gift to just drop out of the sky.

Candace: But... (holds hands out in expression and the tube of Pizzazzium Infinionite lands in them)

Stacy: Woah.

Candace: It's perfect! It's all futuristic-y and cool...and it dropped out of the sky!

Stacy: Well, I guess I stand corrected.

(Perry peaks out of a store shelf and grabs the tube of Pizzazzium Infinionite, replacing it with a jack-in-the-box)

Candace: When Jeremy looks into its bright glow, he'll think of me...(Candace and Stacy notice the switch) Hey, what's this?

(jack-in-the-box pops open)

Both: Ahh!

(Cut to Perry running away with the Pizzazzium Infinionite tube. Suddenly, Doofenshmirtz comes out of an aisle and they collide, causing the tube of Pizzazzium Infinionite tube to become airborne and fall to the ground via escalator.)

Doofenshmirtz: Hey buddy, watch where you're... Say, you look fabulous. (a brief clip of "Fabulous" plays) Haven't I seen you somewhere before? (Perry chatters then flees the scene) No need to get huffy, you ran into me!

(Cut to Phineas and Ferb relaxing in electric chairs)

Phineas: Ahhh. You know Ferb, I think I know what I want to do every day.

(Vanessa walks by with Pizzazzium Infinionite locator, Ferb notices)

Vanessa: (beeping gets more rapid, and she notices the tube of Pizzazzium Infinionite on the ground) Well, that was easy.

(Ferb notices Baljeet and Buford coming straight towards Vanessa on a shopping cart at high speed)

Baljeet: ...I gotta get it, gotta g... gotta get it, gotta get it, gotta get it, gotta get it, gotta get it, gotta get it...

(Ferb tackles Vanessa out of the way of Buford and Baljeet's shopping cart. Baljeet grabs the tube of Pizzazium Infinionite of the ground, while running over the Pizzazzium locator, breaking it.)

Baljeet: Yes! Mine, mine mine mine mine mine mine!

(Buford and Baljeet exit the scene on the shopping cart with the tube of Pizzazzium Infinionite)

Vanessa: Wha- hey! Watch where you're... Oh great, now this thing is broken, and they've got the Pizzazziu... (sighs) Look, (to Ferb) thanks for your help, but I can do this on my own, okay? (runs away with Pizzazzium locator)

(Meanwhile...)

Candace: (sighs) That lantern was the perfect gift.

(Baljeet and Buford whoosh by on their shopping cart)

Baljeet: Woo-hoo!

Candace: Buford and Baljeet! How did they get it?

(Perry drops a bucket of marbles on the floor to stop them, and they run over the marbles, causing their shopping cart to crash. The Pizzazzium Infinionite tube bounces into a warehouse inside the mall where Vanessa follows it. She and Ferb constantly chase the Pizzazium and she finally ends up with it.)

(Song: "I'm Me")

Vanessa: I can do it, I can run, I can hunt you down

You can try but you can't stop me 'cause I'm gainin' ground

I'm light on my feet and I'm quick to the punch

I had a heavy breakfast but a real light lunch

I'm a raging bonfire, a cherry bomb, I'm me

I'm rough-and-tumble, I'm the one to beat,

I'm a fresh coat of blacktop burnin' at your feet

I've got a poisonous sting, when I rain I pour

I'm the best of the best, I'm the soup du jour

I'm smooth as glass and sharp as a tack, I'm me

I'm the last and best stick of gum in the pack, I'm me

I'm a strong woman, fast-talkin', big bad dog-walkin',

Hifalutin', drum-beatin', foot-stompin', corn-poppin',

Speedy locomotive that just won't stop!

I'm a hot apple pie with a cherry on top!

I'm a crowd-pleasin', head-spinnin',

Winnin' in the ninth inning, ,

Whip-lashin', record-smashin',

Black-tie party-crashin'

Cyclone of fun, I'm an army of one!

I'm strawberry sprinkles on a hot cross bun!

I'm a big haymaker in a title fight

I'm a cute black kitten with a nasty bite

I'm an action double-feature on a Friday night!

I'm me!

I'm me!

I'm me!

I'm me!

I'm me!

(Back to Phineas in the massage chair)

Phineas: Ferb, you've gotta try this chair! I can't feel my brain!

(Vanessa runs along a hall with the Pizzazium, but Perry, behind a crate, uses a pole with a clip to snatch it. Perry slips back through the narrow gap but is promptly rammed by Doofenshmirtz's full cart. The Pizzazium falls through a grate into a vent; Vanessa runs down the stairs after it and jumps into the ball pit, where it has landed.)

Vanessa: (searching through the ball pit) Ugh, I hope nobody sees me in here.

(A loud vacuuming noise is heard. Vanessa looks up and sees Ferb using a vacuum to clear the ball pit, but ducks under the balls as Linda walks past.)

Linda: Ferb, honey, aren't you a little old to be playing in the ball pit?

Ferb: Yes, yes I am.

Linda: Okay then. (walks away; Vanessa emerges from under the balls)

Vanessa: Your name is Ferb?

Ferb: Well yes, it's short for... (the vacuum pulls up the Pizzazium) Oh, here it is.

Vanessa: (grabs Pizzazium and runs out of the pit) Thanks, Ferb! See you around!

Doofenshmirtz: (walking up to a lawn mower with a sign above it) Push button, start mower. Does this really work?

(Doofenshmirtz pushes the button; the mower drives off on its own. He walks away with a "nothing happened" look.)

(Vanessa comes off an escalator just as Buford and Baljeet ride past on their cart)

Baljeet: I will take that!

(Baljeet snatches the Pizzazium and turns to see Candace and Stacy chasing them on roller skates. As they pass one aisle, the lawn mower starts chasing them. They all scream as they pass the massage chairs.)

Phineas: Ferb, my fingers look just like snakes!

(Perry uses a tennis ball launcher to shoot himself past Baljeet just as the chase passes, grabbing the Pizzazium.)

Doofenshmirtz: (at a "Mystic Eye" table) Oh, it's one of those 3D things. (holds up the picture) I can hardly see the... (Perry crashes through the picture, dropping the Pizzazium) Oop, there it is.

(The Pizzazium ends up at the bottom of an "up" escalator. Candace and Stacy try to walk down, but end up repeatedly crashing at the bottom. Buford and Baljeet come flying down the escalator in their cart and the four of them all end up crashing, driving away. While Vanessa uses a line of hanging Chinese lanterns to swing down, landing and obtaining the Pizzazium. They all scream and ram into a line of carts, sending Candace and Stacy flying and crashing into the greeting card section. Vanessa is about to walk away, but the lawn mower starts pulling her back by the line of lanterns tied around her waist. The mower begins shredding the lanterns and dragging Vanessa up the escalator.)

Vanessa: Ferb!

(Ferb sees Vanessa and uses a fishing rod to swing down to her. He pulls out every blade of a Swiss Army knife before finding the scissors and cutting the line. The lawn mower finishes shredding the lanterns and bounces down the escalator towards them. Ferb uses his fishing rod to retrieve the pocket knife, and stops the lawn mower with the screwdriver blade, dismantling the mower.)

(Cut to the greeting card section; Candace and Stacy emerge from a pile of cards)

Stacy: Check it out! They do make a card for a spilled cheese dog with mustard.

(At the top of the escalator)

Vanessa: Well, Ferb. You certainly know how to show a girl a good time! (holds up the Pizzazium) I've gotta get this to my dad immediately. (Ferb throws the Pizzazium into the tennis ball launcher, which fires) Whoa! (the Pizzazium bounces and rolls past Doofenshmirtz, in line at the checkout counter, to the entrance of the store; Doofenshmirtz gleefully picks it up) Well, that worked.

Doofenshmirtz: I got it! I got it! (Perry moves the alarm sensor at the entrance, causing the security alarm to go off) I got it! (two security guards show up)

Security guard: Excuse me sir, you know you have to pay for this. (takes the Pizzazium)

Doofenshmirtz: I was! I was going to pay!

Security guard: Tell it to the judge.

Doofenshmirtz: Don't worry, guys, we'll- we'll get this all straightened out. Va- Vanessa! Vanessa... (the guards drag him away) No no, you can't take me, I don't have anyone to curse!

End Credits
(Candace and Stacy walk up to Linda, whose cart is piled to twice her height)

Candace: Whoa, Mom. Do you think you found everything you need?

Linda: I think I have enough to tide over the bridge club.

Stacy: That's a lot of potato salad.

(Cut to Ferb and Vanessa)

Vanessa: Well, time to find out where they dragged Dad off to. Guess that car will have to wait. Oh, yeah. Thanks. (kisses Ferb on the cheek and leaves; the floral background and music start up again)

Phineas: (appears next to Ferb, shaking) Did I miss something? (Ferb touches Phineas' nose, making him stop shaking) Thanks, Ferb.