Downsize

Downsize is the first episode of the British sitcom The Office''. ''It aired on July 9, 2001.

Transcript
[Opening credits]

[Regional manager David Brent is in his office clicking a pen]

David: I don't give shitty jobs. If a good man comes to me and says "Thank you David for the opportunity and continued support in the work related arena, but I've done that. I want to better myself, I want to move on." then I can make that dream come true to AKA for you. The point is you talk the talk but don't walk the walk vis-a-vis you've not yet passed your forklift driver's test. The man who gives the jobs in the warehouse is a personal friend of mine, alright? I know you're the man for the job. [On phone] Sammy, you old slag. It's the Brentmeister general. Have you advertised the forklift driver's job? No, good, don't bother, I've got the man here. He's perfect. Has he passed his forklift driver's test? He gives the tests. Yeah, yeah, he's first aid trained. Yeah, we'll get a CV over to you this afternoon. I'm seeing you Sunday, aren't I? For my sins. How is Elaine, she left you yet? Yeah, alright, see you then. [Hangs up] She has left him, I forgot about that. [A shot of the office is shown, before the phone rings] David Brent?

[David is giving a tour of the office]

David: I've been in the business for twelve years. Been at Wernham-Hogg as general manager for eight of those so putting together my team. Lovely Dawn. Dawn Tinsley, receptionist. Been with us for ages, haven't you?

Dawn: Yeah.

David: I'd say at one time or another, every bloke in the office has woken up to the crack of Dawn.

Dawn: What?

David: Can I have the mail, please?

Dawn: Yeah, just a fax.

David: Dawn, this is from Head Office.

Dawn: I know.

David: How many times have I told you, there's a special filing cabinet for things from Head Office.

Dawn: You haven't told me...

David: [Scrunches up and throws away the fax] It's called the wastepaper basket! You're face! Better get that back.

[David is being interviewed]

David: People say I'm the best boss. They go "Oh, we've never worked in a place like this before, you're such a laugh, you get the best out of us." and I go "c'est la vie." If that's true, excellent.

[David is at reception with Dawn]

David: Beer. Be gentle with me, Dawn

Dawn: Why's that then?

David: Oh God, had a skinful last night. Was out with Finchy, Chris Finch. Had us on a pub crawl. El vino did flow. I was blathered. Bladdered. Blottoed.Oh, don't ever come out with me and FInchy.

Dawn: No, I won't.

David: Oh, you gotta go for it. There's guys my age and they look 50! How old do you think I look?

Dawn: Thirty s-

David: Thirty! Yeah. About that. But I'm going to have to slow down. Drinking a bit too much. If every single night of the week is too much.

Dawn: And every lunch time.

David: How many have I had this week?

Dawn: What?

David: How many pints have I drunk this week if you're counting?

Dawn: I'm not counting!

David: Aren't you? Well you seem to know a lot about my drinking. Does it offend you? Huh? Getting a little bit personal. Imagine if I started doing that with you. I could come up with something witty or biting like "You're a bit." but I don't cause I'm a professional and professionalism is... and that is what I want. OK, that's all. That's a shame.

[Gareth comes into work and hits Tim with a newspaper]

Gareth: Wazzup!

Tim: Don't do that!

Gareth: Alright? What is it, time of the month? Just the eight pints for me last night then. That's all. [Looks at newspaper] Oh no, oh God! "Boss and team leader in drunken night out! Shock horror!" it says here. It's not like I'm out again tonight with Oggy. That'll be a quiet night in at the library... not. I don't think.

[Tim is being interviewed]

Tim: I'm a sales rep, which means that my job is to speak to clients on the phone about quantity and type of paper, whether we can supply it to them and whether they can pay for it... and I'm boring myself talking about it because...

[David interrupts Tim and Gareth, who are working]

David: Wazzup!

Tim: Hey! Wazzup!

David: Wazzup. You're fired, Keenan. Drunkard! Hypocrite warning! Oh God, what's he been saying? It's all true, guilty as charged. Oh yeah, went out with a few of his mates, didn't we? And he goes "Tag along if you want but I must warn you David, they do get a bit rowdy after a few pints." and I went "I'll see if I can stand it." I was worse than them by the end! [Laughs] And they go "Who's that nutter?" "That's my boss." "We can't stand it, we're going" They just left, didn't they?! Oh God, absolutely mental. Resolve! What?

Tim: Nothing.

David: See you later.

Gareth: See you later.

Tim: Take care.

[David's boss, Jennifer Taylor-Clarke comes into the office]

Jennifer: Would you mind giving maintenance a call? There's a nasty smell in the lift.

[David is giving an interview]

David: Head Office don't really interfere with me at all. Jennifer might come down once a week. Jennifer Taylor-Clarke. I call her Camilla Parker-Bowles. Not to her face! Not because I'm scared of her!

[David is in a meeting with Jennifer]

David: I got them off Nobby Burton who comes round with a suitcase. Two for a tenner? Yes please! Four? OK, meeting with Jennifer Taylor-Clarke. Present.

Jennifer: Right.

David: Shoot.

Jennifer: Was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?

David: Did nor get an agenda.

Jennifer: Sorry?

David: Did not get an agenda, no.

Jennifer: I did fax you one this morning.

David: Did we get a fax, Dawn?

David: Then why isn't it in my hand? Because a company runs on efficiency of communication.

Dawn: You put it in the bin that was a special filing cabinet.

David: As a joke, yeah. It's not even my joke, it's my brother's joke. It's meant to be with bills, doesn't really work with faxes.