Crushed by a Steamroller on My 53rd Birthday

[ Thunder crashes ] [ Laughs evilly ] [ Sawing ] [ Electricity crackles ] It's alive! [ Thunder crashes ] [ Laughs evilly ] [ Smooch! ] [ Laughs evilly ] Alvin is the cool-munk he really loves to rock together we're the Chipmunks I jerk off in Dave's so-o-o-ck Alvin! [ Screaming ] This is my jam. I swear to God, I'm gonna get backstage and blow one of those Chipmunks! What did you just say? Yeah! Least one of them. Hopefully all of them. But they don't have penises, Traci. They're animatronic. Kendra, they're not animatronic. I think I heard they're mutants. They're regular Chipmunks that got radiated. Don't care. Blowing one! Whoo! Wow. One, two, three, four. [ Knock on door ] Mr. Seville, I'm new here, so I wanted to double-check. What's your policy on groupies? Groupies? Oh, hi -- me, me! Wait a minute, are you saying that human girl is sexually interested in the boys? That's disgusting. Get her the hell out of here. I'm gonna go pray for her soul. Wow, a real groupie, just like other rock stars have. It's against God's plan. Theodore, we're four-foot-high Chipmunks. We're proof that God is dead. [ Squeak! ] I'm going to whack me off a piece of that. I didn't actually think I'd get this far. Lucky you. Yeah, you smell different than I thought. Like, less dreamy and more gamey. Oh, well, uh, I guess we don't have to. Yeah. Yeah, we do. I talked a big game in front of my friends. And [Voice breaking] now this has to happen. [ Sighs ] Oh, are you crying? [ Crying ] I can't find your junk. Oh, hang on. My genitals retract! [ Grunts ] [ Pop! ] Oh, God. I'm going home now. Aww. Hope my friends didn't go home without me. Ye-e-e-e-s! This is so much better than masturbating! And Kendra thought you were animatronic. Nope. Mutated by radiation. Yeah! High five! Yeah! This is my jam! Both: Aww. Mom and dad couldn't afford our Christmas presents because the price of gas is so high. But I've been extra good. Swear I'm gonna [bleep] some [bleep] up next year. Did somebody say "energy crisis"? Both: Not in those exact words, Captain America. The high cost of energy is crippling America, kids. Both: But what can we do? We can lick this problem if we all do our part together. Turn the dial down to 68 degrees, and we'll use less heating oil. We're not gonna do that. My feet get cold. Uh, okay. Next tip. Electronics still use energy even when turned off. Make sure to unplug them. That sounds exhausting. Pass. Uh clothes dryers are 20% of a home's energy bill. Dry your laundry outdoors, and save power. I never wait that long. Nobody's gonna do that. Oh, fine. [Bleep] you then. [ Glass shatters ] [ Dog barks ] Sorry we couldn't afford gifts this year, kids. That's okay. It's enough that you don't force us to live like a bunch of broke-ass hippies. All: Aww. [ Shivering ] My feet are [bleep] freezing. [ Lassie barks ] Lassie, what's wrong, girl? [ Lassie barks ] Timmy fell -- oh, wrong verb? [ Lassie barks ] Dropped put spread [ Lassie barks ] Timmy spreadpeanut butter [ Lassie barks ] on his ballsand you had to-- Oh, I'm so sorry, Lassie. [ Lassie whines ] Let's all give a round of applause to 6-year-old Bosco Albert, who's making our flight from Atlanta to L. A. all by himself. [ Applause ] Also, it looks like the in-flight meal was over three weeks old and almost certainly teeming with bacteria. Thank you so much. [ Gurgle! ] Excuse me, I need to use the -- FAA regulations require that you stay in your seat with your seatbelt fully fastened. This isn't happening. I'm not gonna make it. God forgive me! [ Fa-a-a-a-rt! ] Oh, dear, get out of the way! [ Fa-a-a-a-rt! ] Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, reminding you that getting out of your seat is against f-- Aw, who am I kidding? I'm out of my seat squatting over a coffee pot up here, people. Do what you have to do. [ Screams and farting ] Oh, God! [ All farting ] [ Splat! ] I told you before, I don't get on no damn plane. Oh, what's the big deal, B. A. ? It's personal. Rosemary's here to share some news with her baby daddy. Now, does Stan -- It's "Satan. " Sorry. Does Satan know why he's here today? No, Lonnie, he has no idea. Well', let's bring him out. Satan. [ Applause ] Thank you. Hi, Satan, how are you? I'm doing great, Lonnie, amazing. I'm here with my beautiful baby mama. Now, Satan, you and Rosemary have raised little Adrian together. Happiest years of my life, Lonnie. But we performed a paternity test, and I have the results right here. Say what? Satan, youare not the father. [ Foosh! ] How could you? What am I gonna tell mee-maw?! Coming up Joseph, you are not the father of Mary's child. Ah! I told you. I told you that's not my kid. That's not my kid. Let's meet Jesus' real father. God. [ Booing ] Yeah. Hey, hey, hey. You don't know me. You don't know me. Did you just change back from a werewolf? Yeah. You've been licking your balls, haven't you? Well, they don't lick themselves. Our kids have made a 180-degree change, Ms. Poppins. How do you do it? Oh, let's just say I have my secrets. Ta-ta! Secrets? I don't like the sound of that. Oh, thank God we bought that nanny cam. [ Clink! ] A spoonful of sugar will help this go down. Did we say she could medicate the children? [ Humming ] Did she saw a hole in my table? This room is a mess. Oh, great, and she's also a witch. Hello, police. [ Blades whirring ] Oh, dear. Land your umbrella! Put your hands over your head! Now, just a minute. Now, bitch, now! Such language. A spoonful of sugar will help this go down. She's going for a gun! [ Gunshot ] [ Laughs ] Oh, sometimes a warning shot is quite polite. Ahhhh! But sometimes, you got to grow a dick. Aah! [ Pummel! ] [ Crash! ] [ Punch! ] [ Smack! ] [ Boom! ] [ Slurring ] Hey, Woody. I got some wood for you to peck on. [ All laugh ] Woodpecker! [Bleep] you. This school play is so boring. I was literally daydreaming about that horrible day I spent fly-fishing with your brother. Shh! Yeah, baby, I'm killing it tonight! The sex we're having is literally so bad that I'm daydreaming about the time you told me about fly-fishing during that boring school play. What were you just thinking, dear? What could've made him kill himself? Think I figured it out. I'm knitting a sweater for my granddaughter. She's part of a human centipede. Gentlemen, if we properly reconstructed this DNA, we're about to meet the first dinosaur to walk the earth in 65 million years. [ Electricity crackles ] [ Thud! ] [ Thud! ] [ Thud! ] Wow, radical place you got here, dude. Show me the nearest half-pipe, 'cause I'm a rebel with a totally rude 'tude. [ Gunshot ] [ Thunk! ] Burn it all. Burn it all! [ Unzip! ] Ahh.

[Duke has all the G.I. Joe team assembled in his office.]

Duke: (holding a document in his hand) Gather 'round, Joes. Our orders just came through.

Gung-Ho: What's COBRA up to this time, Duke?

Duke: (reads the document) No, not COBRA. Apparently, we're being deployed to Af-ghany-stan. Hmm? OK. Yo Joe?

Group: (pumps their fists in unison) Yo Joe!!!

Duke: Who want's to jump on Google and find out what a taliban is? (the rest of the Joes murmur)

[Scene shifts to Afghanistan, where the Joes are unloading all of their equipment and pets from their cargo plane as Duke talks to the Colonel of the armed forces.]

Colonel: I was concerned about your colorful unit training my men, Duke, until I heard about your experience with ruthless terrorist organizations.

Duke: Well, you can count on G.I. Joe to keep you a low profile, Colonel. Now, if you could just point me toward the local Pet Co. Seems the flight didn't agree with our exotic birds.

[Mutt is seen being attacked by Polly, Freedom, and Junkyard.]

Mutt: Ouh! Oh, Polly! Watch the eyes! Argh! Ow, ow! (the Colonel and another soldier look at each other)

[Scene shifts to Shipwreck teaching some of the soldiers how to go undercover.]

Shipwreck: (putting on a long coat and a turban) You simply knock out an enemy, throw on his clothes, and "Ahoy Matey", you're undercover. Questions anyone? Estevez?

Hammond: I'm not Estevez, sir. I'm Hammond.

Shipwreck: Oh, of course. Sorry. I meant you, Estevez.

Sanderson: I'm Sanderson, sir.

Shipwreck: It's so hard to tell you guys apart with your matching uniforms. Where's Estevez?

[A beat]

Soldier: There is no Estevez.

[Scene shifts to Spearhead observing the soldiers at the firing range, as one soldier shoots at a target in the stomach and then the head.]

Spearhead: Son, you shoot like that in the field, and your enemy could end up dead. The idea is to herd them back to the enemy line, safe and sound. (takes the soldier's rifle) Hey, this laser rifle's loaded with bullets. Tch, amateur hour, guys.

[Scene shifts to inside one of the tents where Duke, the Colonel, and two soldiers are reading a map and planning their next move.]

Colonel: Intel is suggesting the insurgents are massing here, here, and here.

Duke: 'Scuse me, Colonel, but shouldn't we be more concerned with the enemy's Weather Dominator? It's about a million degrees outside.

Colonel: It's the desert.

Duke: Well, then, some other kind of dominator -- a Sand Dominator, maybe. I don't know. Just spitballin' here.

Soldier: (peeks his head into the tent) Sir, the insurgents are moving.

Colonel: All right, send out a division.

Duke: Y-o-o-o-o J-o-o-o-e! (loses steam when nobody else joins in)

Colonel: (sighs) Send out a division to...

[Scene shifts to a helicopter flying, as Duke is briefing the soldiers aboard.]

Duke: All right, this is it. Remember, keep your heads, and everything will be just - (one of the soldiers is gunned down by the Taliban) They're shooting at us! Oh my God, they're actually shooting at us! (throws two soldiers out of the helicopter) Out of the chopper! Get out of the chopper!

[As the two soldiers hit the ground and hurt themselves, the helicopter lands as the insurgents open fire on it.]

Soldier: Move, move, move!

''[The soldiers exit the helicopter, take cover, and return fire. Frostbite, Snow Job, and Iceberg are all struggling to keep their balance while wearing ski's on the sand.]''

Snow Job: Does anyone else feel like a dumbass right now? (all three arctic troopers are gunned down mercilessly)

Lady Jaye: Yo Joe! (fires a huge net at a lone insurgent, who still shoots Lady Jaye anyway) Oh no!

[Shipwreck and two soldiers have just stripped three insurgents and are now wearing their clothes.]

Shipwreck: Great job, team. Those insurgents won't know what hit them. (they get shot down by three of their own soldiers)

Soldier: Great job, team. Those insurgents didn't know what hit them.

[Spearhead watches on as the soldiers try to make a suicide bomber retreat by shooting the ground, as he runs over a couple of hills.]

Spearhead: All right troops, you got them, now herd him, herd him back to the line. Good job, team. He'll be turning tail any second... (gets blown up by the suicide bomber as the soldiers run off)

[Duke is taking cover behind one of the buildings as Thunder and Spirit are mercilessly killed by the insurgents, Barbecue crashes his motorcycle, and Spearhead crawls for his life.]

Duke: Oh, it's a fucking meat grinder! Who will protect the world from Cobra after we've yo'd our last Joe?

[Scene shifts to COBRA Headquarters, as COBRA Commander, The Baroness, Destro, and Major Bludd watch the carnage unfold.]

COBRA Commander: (laughs) Look at those fools. I knew the Joes couldn't handle the rigors of actual combat. (gunfire and yelling can be heard outside the room) What the fuck was that?

[SEAL Team 6 burst into the room and open fire, killing Destro and Bludd.]

SEAL Team 6 Commander: Move! We're in there! Go, go, go, go, go!

COBRA Commander: What the fuck?! (pushes the Baroness into the line of fire) Bitch, protect your commander! (the Baroness also gets peppered with bullets, killing her) You win this day, SEAL Team 6. But next time... (gets shot square in the head)

SEAL Team 6 Commander: Good job, every -- (the Commander farts) Good job. (the Commander farts again) Good -- (the Commander farts one last time) Good job, everyone.

Ba-bock, bock, bock-a bock-a bock, bock, bock Ba-bock! Bock. [ Splash! ]