Back Out There

''[Royal Woods Elementary School. School bell rings, children are playing dodgeball in gym class.]'' Zach: "Man I hate dodgeball!" [Zach tries to avoid incoming balls, when Girl Jordan and other classmates are running around.] Lincoln: [dodging incoming ball] "Me too!" Clyde: [dodging incoming ball] "It's the worst!" Liam: "I'd rather milk an ornery cow!" Rusty: "Chill out, guys! Just like we practiced." [takes a pose] "Snake formation!" [Zach, Lincoln, Clyde and Liam hide behind Rusty.] Rusty: "So, we're all chilling at my place again today? Left!" [Rusty, Zach, Lincoln, Clyde and Liam move left, dodging incoming ball.] Zach: "Sure. Oh! We can make another popcorn pizza!" Rusty: "Right!" [Rusty, Zach, Lincoln, Clyde and Liam move right, dodging incoming ball.] Lincoln: "Sorry, guys!" Rusty: "Left!" Lincoln: "I can't make it." Rusty: "Right!" Clyde: "Lincoln, you haven't hung out with us for all week!" Lincoln: "I know. I've just had this thing to take care of." [whistle blows] Lincoln: [running to the exit door] "Have fun guys! "Catch ya later!" [gets hit in face by a ball] "Hey! Girl Jordan! The whistle blew!" [leaves] Clyde: "You know, I'm worried about Lincoln. It isn't like him to not want to hang out." Zach: [Gasp] "You think maybe an alien has taken over his body?" Rusty: "That would explain the white hair." Clyde: "Guys! It's not an alien. Lincoln and I have a signal for that if that happens." Liam: "Well, something ain't right!" Clyde: "We're Lincoln's friends and we have to do something." Liam: "Respect his privacy?" Clyde: "No, we are totally going to spy on him and find out what's going on!" [gets hit by a ball] "Hey! Girl Jordan! The whistle blew!"

[Scene cuts to what was once the Santiagos' house, where Lincoln is sitting on his bike observed by his friends.] Rusty: "Ronnie Anne's old house? This is where he's been coming everyday?" Zach: "Doesn't he know she moved?" Clyde: "I think I know what's going on here." [They all duck into the shrub.] Clyde: "Lincoln's got a classic case of PBB." Zach: "Peanut Butter Breath?" Clyde: "No." Rusty: "Pale Boy Bangs?" Clyde: "No." Liam: "Polybrominated Biphenyls." Clyde: "No. Lincoln has PBB, or Post Breakup Blues. The poor guy misses Ronnie Anne so much that he's coming here everyday to pine for her." [takes out some pamphlets] "I learned all about it in the pamphlets I collected in Dr. Lopez's Waiting Room." Zach: "So, what do we do? Should we talk to him about it?" Clyde: "No! The pamphlet says that will just send him into a denial spiral. The only way to reverse PBB and get closure is to distract her from thinking about Ronnie Anne by using a three step process called BBP. The first boy is for boys' night out!" Liam: [raises hand] "Oh! My meemaw said I have to be home before dark."

[Lincoln is hanging out with his friends.] Lincoln: "A boys' afternoon out sounds great, guys! What brought this on?" Liam: "Your PBB." Lincoln: [confused] "My what?" Zach: [shuts Liam up] "Uh...your Pale Boy Bangs. They're so pretty, the world needs to see 'em!" Rusty: [grabs Lincoln] "Come on, Lincoln! First thing this boys' afternoon out needs is some new threads." [pushes Lincoln into the tailor shop Duds for Dudes.] "My dad said he'd hook us up." [Inside the shop, the boys come out of their dressing booths and are wearing matching white tuxes.] Mr. Spokes: "Now there's five happenin' cats! You're gonna be fighting off the ladies with a stick!" Liam: "Aw, dang. I didn't bring my stick." [The boys each pass by Rusty's dad and give him a high-five.] Clyde: "Yeah, thanks." Lincoln: "These are great!" Rusty: "Thanks again, dad!" Mr. Spokes: "Now, you kids have fun. Make sure to return the suits by tonight, and don't get a single spot on 'em..." [threateningly] "...OR YOU'LL BE GROUNDED FOR A MONTH!" [calmly] "Have fun!" [Rusty gulps nervously and the others are outside the shop planning.] Zach: "Anyone else feel like havin' buffalo wings?" Clyde: "And nachos!" Lincoln: "Chili fries!" Liam: "Darn tootin'!" [They all head off and leave Rusty behind.] Rusty: [worried] "Uh, guys?"

[The boys are hanging out at Gus' Games and Grub and eating some messy food while keeping their suits clean.] Rusty: [scared] "Careful, guys! Zach, napkin!" [gives Zach said napkin] "Lincoln, watch that sauce!" [gives Lincoln a napkin] Zach: [whispers to Clyde] "It's working. He looks happy." Clyde: [holds up his backpack with the pamphlets inside.] "These pamphlets have never steered me wrong." [A song starts playing on the jukebox.] Liam: "Ooh-wee, I love this song!" Lincoln: "You know who else loves this song? Ronnie Anne." [eats a nacho] [The boys look horrified at Lincoln thinking about his long distance girlfriend and Liam goes over to the jukebox.] Liam: "Oh, uh, I just remembered. I hate this song." [changes it] [Their waitress comes up] Waitress: "Let me tell you guys about our dessert specials. We've got the heart-shaped cookie, the lovers' sundae for two, and the tira-miss-you!" [giggles] Clyde: [frantically pushing the waitress away] "Nobody wants desserts! Let's play some games!" [The others except Lincoln get up.] Lincoln: [disappointed] "I wanted dessert." Clyde: [grabs Lincoln] "Let's play Dance Dance Revolution!" [notices a couple playing on the game machine while holding hands and having hearts in their eyes.] "Never mind." Zach: [covers Lincoln's eyes] "Let's just watch some TV." [On the TV there's a wrestling match with two burly wrestlers tugging on a scrawny wrestler.] Clyde: "Uh-oh. Those are Ronnie Anne's favorite tag-team wrestlers: Payne and Suffering." Liam: "Uh, this place is lame. Who's up for a boys' day out music montage?" [takes Lincoln out]

''[The montage begins with the boys going to a barbershop and getting their hair down. Then a limo comes by and takes them all for a ride as they pick out the sunroof and cheer. Next, they go to a rock climbing emporium, and then an indoor go-kart race course. After that, they go to an arts and crafts studio where Lincoln, Clyde, Zach and Liam make some pottery while Rusty wears a smock to keep his suit from getting dirty. Finally, they go to the pier and get their caricatures taken.]'' Lincoln: "This boys' day out has been a blast, you guys!" Clyde: "That's great to hear, Lincoln." [unsure] "Would you say you feel-" [looks in his pamphlet quickly] "-a sense of closure and more optimistic about the future?" Lincoln: [thinking] "Um, that's pretty specific, but...yeah, I guess." ''[His eye twitches while his friends smile at each other. His watch then starts beeping.]'' Lincoln: [looking at the time] "Whoops! Sorry, guys. I have to go take care of that thing again." [runs off] Zach: "Ugh! I can't believe it!" Rusty: "So much for closure."

[Back at the former home of the Santiagos, same set up as last time.] Zach: "He's back at Ronnie Anne's." Liam: "Ooh-wee, he got it bad for that gal." [They duck down again] Clyde: "Don't worry. Minor setback. The pamphlet says this can happen. If the first B in BBP doesn't work, you just move onto the second B: Beautiful Ladies." [They hop out of the shrub.] Rusty: "That's my favorite B." ''[A bus's horn blares through the air. Rusty notices it and a mud puddle right next to them.]'' Rusty: [panicking] "Guys, protect the suits! Snake formation!" [They get into formation and Rusty shields them all with an umbrella so the mud doesn't get on the suits as the bus drives by.] Rusty: [victorious] "Ha! You can't beat the Rust Man that easily!" [suddenly, he and the others get pooped on by birds; distraught.] "NOOOOOOO!!!"

[The mall] Rusty: [frantic] "Oh man. What am I gonna tell my dad about those suits?" Liam: "Aw, don't worry. You can get bird poop out. It's donkey poop you gotta worry about." Clyde: [notices the target] "Here comes Lincoln. We're all clear about what to do?" [The others nod] Lincoln: "Hey, guys." Clyde: "Hey, buddy! You took care of your...thing?" Lincoln: "Yep." [highfives Clyde] [The others squint slyly to each other.] Clyde: [nudging his best friend's shoulder] "Glad you could hang out some more." Liam: [acting and looking through the mall's comic book store's window.] "I declare, Zach, isn't that your friend Renee in yonder comic book store?" Zach: [acting] "You are right, Liam. She is probably there because she is a huge Ace Savvy fan." Rusty: [acting] "Hey, Lincoln, you're a huge Ace Savvy fan, too. You should go talk to her." Lincoln: "I don't-" ''[Clyde grabs Lincoln and shoves him into the comic book shop. The boys give each other a thumbsup.]''

[Inside the comic store, Lincoln is talking to Renee.] Lincoln: "It's so cool to meet someone who loves Ace as much as I do!" Renee: "Same here." [They both notice a rare Ace Savvy comic.] Lincoln: "Whoa! Is that the limited edition Christmas issue with the variant cover?" Renee: "Deck the Halls? I've been looking for that forever!" Lincoln: "Me too!" Lincoln and Renee: "It's the only copy." [start fighting over it] "GIVE IT! IT'S MINE!" [The boys are watching the struggle through the window.] Clyde: "Looks like we're gonna need another beautiful lady." [A punch is heard off-screen.] "And an ice pack."

''[In a dark theater, a girl with braces is watching a movie. The boys enter the theater.]'' Clyde: [acting] "Hey, Liam, isn't that your cousin, Hattie?" Liam: [acting] "Tar-r-rnation! I didn't see her horse parked outside. Lincoln, you should sit next to her. She's a bigger sci-fi fan than you are." [drags Lincoln over to Hattie] Hattie: "Ooooh! My, my, how do? I'm Hattie." [Gestures her hand for a handshake.] [One of the theater attendants hushes Hattie.] Lincoln: [shakes Hattie's hand] "I'm Lincoln." Hattie: [sticks her feet up a seat] "You done seen this picture before? Oooh! I love the part where the alien becomes human!" Audience: "Boo!" Lincoln: [annoyed] "Kind of a spoiler." Hattie: "That ain't nothing. Turns out the whole thing's just a dream!" [The audience starts groaning and complaining and throwing their food at her and Lincoln, who facepalms.] Theater Attendant: "She did NOT say that!" [The gang regroups outside] Clyde: "Rusty, you must know some beautiful ladies." Rusty: [uneasy] "Well, you know..." Zach: [doubting] "Yeah. You're always bragging about what a ladies' man you are." Rusty: [nervous] "It's tough on such short notice-" Liam: [beggin] "Come on, man! It's for Lincoln!" Rusty: [giving in] "Uh, sure. I can make a call." [Sometime later] Rusty: "Ah. Here comes the lovely lady now." [Enter an old lady] Tina: "Hello, Rusty. I'm very excited to meet this white-haired gentleman you told me about." Clyde: [drags Rusty aside; disciplinary] "Rusty, who is that?!" Rusty: [sweating] "Uh...my piano teacher?" [The others look at him in complete shock and dismay.] Rusty: "Guys, give me a break! I've been going through a bit of a dry spell." Zach: [sighs] "What are we gonna do, guys? Nothing seems to be working." [Clyde looks over to the local karate dojo and sees a girl practicing in there.] Karate Girl: "Hi-" [kicks a training bag] "YAH!" Clyde: "Wait a minute, guys! Maybe instead of meeting someone who likes the same things as Lincoln, he needs to meet someone who likes the same things as Ronnie Anne." [The girl keeps bashing on the training bag with her techniques while wailing a battle cry.] Zach: "Ooooh! Good thinking, man!" Rusty: "You should write your own pamphlets, dawg!" [Lincoln comes out of the restroom while rubbing himself with a paper towel.] Lincoln: "Well, I finally got all the hot buttered popcorn out of my hair and-" [gets grabbed by Clyde] "Aah!" Clyde: [takes Lincoln to the dojo] "Hey, we were thinking about doing some group karate." [leaves] Lincoln: "Uh, guys? I thought you said "group"." Karate Girl: [notices Lincoln] "Oh. Did you want to spar?" Lincoln: "No. Uh, that's-" [The girl bows and starts sparring with and beating up Lincoln while the others watch.] Zach: "Uh...I don't think beautiful girls is doing the trick." Karate Girl: "HI-YAH!" [hits Lincoln again] Clyde: "Well, in that case, it's time to move onto the final letter of BBP: P for Paradise. The pamphlet says Tahiti and Hawaii are good options." Karate Girl: "WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH!" [The boys check their pockets and find that they have no money.] Rusty: "Hmm...sounds a little out of our budget."

[The boys are now sending a battered Lincoln away on a vacation.] Lincoln: [reading his ticket] "Hazeltucky Motel and Water Park." Liam: "Yep. Three days in paradise. We even packed your bag." Lincoln: "Uh, guys, I appreciate the thought, but why are you doing this?" [The bus arrives and the others decide to come clean.] Clyde: "Because, buddy, it's the only way to cure your PBB!" Lincoln: [worried] "I have Peanut Butter Breath, and no one told me?!" Clyde: "No. Post Breakup Blues. We know Ronnie Anne broke your heart when she moved away, and we're trying to help you put the pieces back together." Liam: "Yeah. We seen you standing outside her house, lookin' like a cat who done lost his saucer." Lincoln: [holding back laughter] "Oh, man, that's what this is all about? Guys, you got it all wrong. I don't miss Ronnie Anne." Clyde: "Here comes the denial spiral." Lincoln: "No, seriously, I was only sitting in front of her house because-" Bus Driver: "All aboard!" ''[The boys shove Lincoln onto the bus and it leaves with him. Lincoln starts yelling at them but no sound comes through the back window.]'' Clyde: "He'll thank us later." Zach: "Yeah. I just hope he knows how lucky he is to have friends like us." [Just then, they notice Lincoln's phone on the ground vibrating.] Clyde: [picks phone up] "Huh. Lincoln must have dropped his phone." [sees who's calling] "Ronnie Anne?! Ugh! Unbelievable! She's still tormenting him? I'll handle this." [answers] "Hello, Ronnie Anne. This is Clyde, Lincoln's best friend." Ronnie Anne: "I know who you are, Clyde. Where's Lincoln?" Clyde: "You need to leave him alone!" Rusty: "Yeah! He needs space to get over you!" Ronnie Anne: "Get over me?" Zach: "Yeah. Since you left, the poor guy's just been standing in front of your old house everyday." Ronnie Anne: "Yeah! Because I asked him to look out for a package that was sent to me there!" Clyde: "How's that now?" Clyde, Rusty, Liam, and Zach: [guilty] "Uh-oh..." Ronnie Anne: [frustrated] "Did you guys do something stupid again?" Clyde: "We have to stop that bus!" Rusty: "Snake formation! It'll cut down wind resistance!" [The boys get into position and charge after the bus while wailing.]

[Back at the Loud House, Lincoln is talking to Ronnie Anne on video chat in his room.] Ronnie Anne: "I'm glad they caught you in time." Lincoln: "Yeah. I've never seen Clyde run that fast. He actually threw up." Ronnie Anne: "You must've been furious with them for putting you through all of that." Lincoln: "Nah. They were just trying to be good friends. Besides, I think they're suffering enough right now." [Back at Duds for Dudes, the boys are cleaning the suits that got pooped on by Mr. Spokes' order.] Rusty: [devastated] "Man, this bird poop isn't coming out." Liam: "Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's donkey poop that comes out easy and it's that dang bird poop that you gotta worry about." [Back to Lincoln and Ronnie Anne's chat.] Lincoln: "Well, the good news is, your package finally arrived!" [holds it up] Ronnie Anne: "Cool! Hey, could you open it for me? I wanna make sure it's not damaged." ''[Lincoln opens the box, and a pie splats over his face. Ronnie Anne laughs while Lincoln scowls.]'' Ronnie Anne: [still laughing] "Oh, man. That cost me 25 bucks, but it was so worth it. Smell ya later, lame-o." [signs off] Lincoln: [cleaning himself off, irritated] "Ugh! Ronnie Anne!" [stops and realizes] "Ha! I guess the guys were right. I really do miss her." [smiles confidently]