I Dream of Feeny

You got your milk. You got your peanut butter. How about a banana? What about a raw egg? Eww. Why's it have to be raw? Why can't we scramble it and put it in? Stallone drinks raw eggs. Stallone is like 5'2"! And you're like 2'5"! Go with the egg, baby. Hey! We're not going to make a mess. Just because we're kids with a blender doesn't mean we have to make a mess. Boy, are you Mommy whipped. Aah! Now, that I could never do at my house. Oh, my mom! Shawn, back me up. I wanted to use the lid. I was Lid Boy! OK, fine. I'll clean it up. You don't have to scream. Hey, watch it. You're getting it all over my geography book. Oh, like you're ever going to open it up. Feeny's test tomorrow is going to be such a killer. Yeah, I don't understand why we have to learn anything about geography. Why do we have to learn where everything is? I'll just be like my dad and drive around till I find it. Look at Feeny. He's out there hanging up some geeky duck. Not a care in the World while we're stuck in here studying for his lame test. Yeah. Life's fair. Well, we haven't actually done any studying yet. Maybe we should get started. OK. Ahem. What is the capital of North Dakota? Banff. We're toast. Let's just say we're sick and stay home tomorrow. I can't, Cor. I've already used all my bogus medical excuses. Feeny says if my grandma dies one more time he wants to see the body. How come it has to be us? Why should we always be the ones faking a disease to get out of school? How come Feeny can't shoulder a little more responsibility? Ah, dream on. I hear he hasn't missed a day of school since World War I. That's just stupid on his part because teachers still get paid when they're sick. You lie. I swear! Minkus said the school board pays them to be sick for a whole week every year. Well, maybe Feeny doesn't know that. Maybe we should leave him a unanimous note on his desk. Won't help us dodge that geography bullet tomorrow. Come on cough! There's a look. Don't tell me. You've died and come back as a bat with a perm. This Hindu yoga position increases blood flow to the brain thus maximizing concentration and cognitive performance. It's also quite a rush. I am so nervous. You? My palms are sweating so much I can't read the answers I Wrote on them. I'm sensing an acute case of performance anxiety no doubt brought on by a complete lack of preparation. Minkus, you can get all the As you want. It still not gonna make you popular. That's right. I can just hear you "People, people, how many times do I have to tell you? "If you save your receipts "you won't have to worry about an audit. " And I can hear you ten years from now. "Your Honor, dude "I'd like to plea bargain. " - Geek master. - Recidivist. Good morning, class. I'm Miss Chase, your substitute teacher. Mr. Feeny will not be in today. He has taken ill. Taken ill or fakin' ill? I mean, the guy's never missed a day. Maybe he heard about the school board's great deal on sick leave. I'm afraid I don't have access to Mr. Feeny's lesson plan. Can somebody please fill me in on what you were going to do today? Miss Chase, today we're supposed to take a geo Break. A break from geography. And do nothing but think about our lives and write a poem about it. A short poem. Two. maybe three Lines. tops. And it doesn't even have to rhyme. Is this true? Yep. Great. My major at the University of Pennsylvania was poetry epic poetry. In fact, my dissertation was on "Beowulf" an 8th Century poem written in 3,200 lines of old English. Let's see if We can knock out the first 1,600 lines before lunch, shall we? Aah! I can't believe Mr. Feeny actually missed a day of school. Well, you know who you can thank for that, don't you? Zeus? Me! I wished for him to get sick, and he did. You didn't wish for him to get sick. Sure, I did, yesterday, when we weren't studying. Even if you did, you can't make something happen just because you say it. The power of the mind is not to be taken lightly, Shawn. Force of will is the most powerful weapon on earth. No. No, it's not. Maybe I do have some kind of strange power like the X-Men only I have the power to make people sick. Yeah. It's working on me right now. Maybe I'll call myself Sick Boy! Sick Boy, possessor of a strange mutant power can, with a glance of his sickening eye make otherwise healthy men bend over the toilet and go, "Huahh!" All right, Sick Boy. If you can do it, do it to him. Piece of cake. Hey, Minkus. Minkus, come here. When your mother cuts your hair tell her to take the oatmeal out of the bowl. Sorry, Shawn, but I don't have the energy to trade insults today. I'm not feeling very well. - Whoa. - Chills. What can I say? It's a gift. Minkus, you were all right in class this morning. When, exactly, did you start feeling terrible? When I heard Mr. Feeny's in the hospital. The hospital? Sounds serious. For Mr. Feeny and for you. Why me? Why's it serious for me? Karma what goes around comes around. The hospital? Whoa, you are good. Me? I didn't do this. You wished he would get sick. I didn't wish for him to get sick. Sure, you did, yesterday, when we weren't studying. Shawn, you said it yourself. Just because you want something to happen doesn't mean it's going to happen. You're scary, Cor. I wish you wouldn't say things like that. Just don't look at me, oK? Don't look at me! "Free Bubba, Love, Arnie"? "Feel better, Love, Amy. " oh, that's what you think you wrote. Cory, read this. "Fried baloney, Love, Alvin. " - Just sign it! - What is it? It's a get well card for Mr. Feeny. Here, you sign it, too. - I don't think so, Mom. - Suit yourself. I just wanted to get him out of the hospital faster. How's a card going to do that? It cheers him up. Power of positive thinking. Wait a minute. Mom, Mom, Mom. You're saying someone can get better just 'cause someone wishes they will? Yeah. Does the opposite of that work, too? Can someone get sick just 'cause someone says they will? Well, that is the principle behind voodoo curses. But you'd have to go to, like, a voodoo academy to pull off something like that, wouldn't you? I mean, your average couldn't go around making people drop like flies, could he? No reason. No interest. My lips are just moving. Words are coming out. Eric. we've got to taLk. All right, I wished real hard for Feeny to get sick so I wouldn't have to take this geography test and he got sick. - So? - So, I did this to him. I have the gift. What gift? I can make people sick. Now, see, I've always known that, Cor. Why do you think I sleep with a barf bag? Eric, I'm serious. Yeah, like you're the one who made Feeny's appendix blow. He has appendicitis? Yeah, he's getting operated on right now. An operation. That's bad. Remember Fluffy, our cat? He died during an operation. Cory, Fluffy fell out of a tree. They were trying to sew his head back on. It was big odds going in. Look, I know I did not cause Mr. Feeny to get sick but it would make me feel a heck of a lot better if you would just give me some sort of sign that he's gonna be all right. Yesterday we were absolutely enthralled by the first 1. 600 exciting Lines of "Beowulf. " Can anyone recap for us? Hrothgar, king of the Danes, on the island of Zealand has built the mead hall Heorot for feasting his warriors but they abandon it because of the murderous ravages of the monster Grendel. Is it just me, or does anyone else want to absolutely hurl from boredom? Do you have a problem with "Beowulf"? Yeah. My problem is nobody cares. I don't need this. When am I going to need this? No one has ever needed this. And let me make myself even clearer. "Beowulf" needed? No! And on a completely side issue who names their baby Hrothgar? Are you through? No. As a matter of fact, I'm not. I don't think we need geography, either. This is a school. What we should do here? I think we should sit around, talk about whatever we want and you should make us cupcakes. Cory Matthews, you are so right. Shawn, Shawn, wake up! I fixed everything. Thank you for stopping me from wasting my entire life. I mean, I would have ended up just like Mr. Feeny who believes in geography and mathematics and that other garbage you'll never need. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a teacher! Here. Why don't you pass these out to everybody? When did you bake these? Just this second. I most heartily object to this flagrant desecration of the temple of knowledge. Stuff it, nerd boy. Mr. Matthews, who's the new teacher? Karen. Karen? Yeah. We're on a first name basis. Cozy. And we're not taking that geography test, either. In fact, we've done away with geography. No one needs it. You must think you've died and gone to heaven. Yep. No offense, but you could learn a lot about teaching from Karen. Well, I guess I've been an ogre all these years, hmm? What was I thinking? Nobody knows. But all that stress you put on us probably just bounced back and made you sick. Karma what goes around goes around and around. You need to lighten up. Well, thank you for the advice, Mr. Matthews. Uh like this? Cut it out, Cory. That wasn't me. That was Mr. Feeny. Mr. Feeny? Talk about a sick joke. What do you mean? He's standing right here. Oh, nurse! He can't see me, Mr. Matthews. Why not? Because he's not the one responsible. Responsible for What? For killing me. I died in the hospital. What? I'm dead, Mr. Matthews thanks to you. Don't die, Mr. Feeny! I didn't mean to kill you! Oh, man. Eric, I just dreamed I killed Mr. Feeny and he came back to haunt me. It Was terrible. Eric? Aah! What are you doing here? I'm memorizing the dictionary, Mr. Matthews. Mr. Feeny, I just woke up. You can't be here anymore. I can be anywhere I want. I'm dead. You're not dead. You can't be dead. I only wanted you to have the sniffles. It started With the sniffles. Cor, you look terrible. Coffee? What are you doing with coffee? I always drink coffee after I kill a man. Mr. Feeny's in the hospital because of a bad appendix. No matter what you wished, you had nothing to do with it. But how come I can't get him out of my mind? Why am I seeing him everywhere? Because you feel guilty. Because I wished he'd get sick. Yeah, why'd you do that? So I wouldn't have to take his stupid geography test about stuff I'd never need. Yeah, I know how you feel. I had a teacher in fourth grade Miss Perch. Now, the name Perch implies that she was a lot better-looking than she actually was. And this relates to me how? You know why I'm the manager down at the supermarket? Because when I started out as a box boy I could add long columns of numbers in my head faster than the cashiers could at the machines. I always told everyone it was a natural gift but the fact is, I knew it was a gift from Miss Perch. So, why did you feel guilty? Well, when she was trying to teach me math I Was the kid in the back of the room always going, "I'm never gonna need this. " By the time I figured out why I needed it it was too late to say thank you. So you're saying Feeny's teaching us stuff now that we're gonna need when we're older. And instead of saying thank you, I wished for him to get sick. Is that why I'm having nightmares? Your nightmares are just a manifestation of your guilt. You created them. You can control them. What's for breakfast. Mr. Matthews? Down here. How you doing? You don't scare me anymore, Mr. Feeny. You're not real. You're just a manifestation of my guilt. Ooh. "Manifestation. " Big word for someone who can barely spell "cat. " I created him. I can make him go away. Whew. Knock knock. Mr. Matthews. What a surprise. Where are your parents? They didn't bring me. I took the bus. Actually, they don't even know I'm here. I brought you a germanium. Geranium. Didn't I say germanium? Yes, you did. In fact, germanium is a chemical element. Atomic weight 72. 59. It's used as a semiconductor. Your brain must weigh so much. A geranium is a lovely plant. In California, they can grow to the size of a bush. So this is a hospital, huh? Oh. Is this your grandson? - No. - No way. - Not at all. - What he said. This is one of my students Cory Matthews. Cory, this is Nurse Jill. Well, it's nice to see one of your students came to visit you, George. She calls you by your first name? Don't blow it for me, you little weasel. I stashed two bottles of that pineapple juice you like in case you and your nongrandson want to have one. I am eternally grateful. Cory, you stay as long as you like. And if a big dragon in a hat that says "Head Nurse" tries to kick you out you tell her you're a friend of Jill's, oK? OK. See you later, George. She seems nice. Yes, indeed. Very nice. Did we just have, like, a guy moment? Yes, I suppose we did. Why are you here, Mr. Matthews? I mean, a hospital is a very scary place. I guess I wanted to see with my own eyes that you're oK. Thank you for your good thoughts. And that you're not dead. Oh, I can't die, Mr. Matthews. I have too much Work left undone too many students left untaught. - Like me? - Especially you. In a strange way, you've kept me alive. I'm glad. Because there still might be some stuff you're going to teach me that I'm gonna need someday. Like What? Like, say I'm walking down the street and some guy comes up to me and says "What's the atomic weight of geranium?" Thanks to you, I'll be able to say "That's a plant, you idiot. " Dragon alert. Lay low. Maybe I'd better go so I don't get Nurse Jill in trouble. Thank you very much for coming, Mr. Matthews. You've made me feel much better. I feel better, too. Mr. Feeny Thank you. For What? I don't know yet. Hey, Cor, what are you doing? I'm trying to fix Mr. Feeny's dumb duck. He's coming home tomorrow. That's nice. Looks like it could use some bracing. Bracing, right. Can I borrow your tools? Sure. Good morning, Mr. Matthews. Mr. Feeny, you're home early. Well, I got most of my strength back. Besides, they replaced Nurse Jill with Nurse Larry. I figured it was time to leave. I'm trying to fix your duck. Yes, so I see. Thank you. Why don't you take a break and help me plant this? You're putting my puny plant in the ground? Your plant, though immature and undeveloped has within it the potential to grow and flower with the help of a proper gardener. You think so? Oh, yes, as long as no one wishes it ill. IfWe think it can happen, it Will happen. You're saying we can light that light bulb without any electricity? The greatest power company of all is the human mind. Apparently Shawn didn't pay his bill. Those are cute last Words. Shh. Let's focus our psychic energies on lighting the bulb. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. Quiet. None of the electricity made it to the bulb, Topanga. It all got stuck in your hair. There's your problem. No one here is taking this seriously. They don't care about your experiment, Topanga. The only way to demonstrate the power of their selfish minds is to have them concentrate on something they really want to see happen. Cool! What? The bulb didn't light.