V for Valentine-detta

(Tina groaning) Whoa, Tina, you all right there, girl? (Tina continues sustained groaning) Should we unplug her and plug her back in? Does anyone know if she's still under warranty? Not to be insensitive, but should we drag her into a soundproof closet and just get on with our day? Or let's at least walk ahead of her. Or maybe we should put her ahead of us - so people know we're coming. - Okay, coming through. Move. Move! LINDA: So, Teddy, you got any big Valentine's Day plans for tomorrow night? Oh, yeah. I'm finally going to check out that show Law & Order. I DVR'd 400 episodes. I'm going to try to catch up. Oh! A night of romantic murder. No, don't say anything! No spoilers. Well, Bob and I have big, big, big plans. We went on Kissin' Koupons, that site that's like a Groupon site for couples. We got each other fun experiences. Yeah, I got us a limo ride. Bob! It was supposed to be a surprise. - It was? -Yes. And I'm still not telling you what I got you. I know how to play. - (door bell jingles) - (Tina groaning) Some news. Tina's completely broken. Says you. I like new Tina. You know what you're getting. - You know, it's consistent. - Tina? Tina, honey, what's wrong? (continues sustained groaning) Tina? O-Okay, we're gonna have to figure this out later. Kids, take your sister upstairs and do something. - (sustained groaning continues) - Tina, talk to Mommy. Tina, if you tell us what's going on, - maybe we can help. - Okay. Okay, everyone, I made some calls. - I found out what happened. - What is it? I guess Jimmy Jr. has been hanging out with Becky Krespe. - Becky whosit? - Becky Krespe. She just got her braces off, and now she's Miss Thang. Right. And since tomorrow's Valentine's Day - (groaning grows louder) - Ugh. - (groaning stops) - Tina's probably worried that Jimmy Jr. Won't be her valentine. - Aw, honey, is that it? - (groaning): Uh uh-huh - (groaning stops) - It's gonna be okay. There's a lot of other fish in the sea. And not little dumb guppies like Jimmy Jr. Big, handsome sharks with big shark muscles. Rrr! And crabs with abs. Louise, go pull down your sister's covers. Let's get this girl to bed. It'll all look better in the morning. - It's only 7:15! - Do it! - (Tina resumes groaning) - O-Okay. Bob, get her up. - Come on, help me. Come on. Get her up. - (Bob straining) - No. - Gene, help your father, help your father. Grab the head. - (groaning, grunting) - Aw, it's too floppity! I'm afraid it's gotten worse. Worse? How is that even possible? - (gasps) - (Tina hyperventilating) Tina, what's going on? Use your words, honey. Look at me. This morning, Zeke texted Tammy who texted Jocelyn who accidentally texted me, even though she meant to text her cousin Tina who lives in Clearwater, Florida, that Jimmy did ask Becky to be his valentine, and she said yes, and they're going on a date tonight, and it's Valentine's Day and my life is over! Time of death: 9:15 a. m. Time of breath: powerful! - Sorry. - No, I love it! (Tina groaning) I miss Tina's bones. I didn't even know I liked them. I never got to say good-bye. The worst thing is, this whole time, she's been sitting on the remote. Tina? Tina bean-a? It's me. It's Mommy. - Hi, Mom. - It lives! You remember how you were gonna babysit tonight so Dad and I can go out for Valentine's Day? - (hyperventilating) - Linda, don't say "Valentine's Day. " Uh, s-sorry, sorry. I-I meant regular February day that means nothing, stupid February day. Uh, I-I don't think we can go on our amazing Kissing Koupon Valentine's Day. - (hyperventilating) - Sorry. - Bob, don't say "Valentine's. " - Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. - Oh, God, now I'm saying it. Now I said it. - Sorry. Sorry. (car horn honking musically) GENE: Yes! I finally know what I want to be when I grow up: that limo! LINDA: Oh my God! - I know what we have to do! - What? Me and Louise are gonna take Tina out in the limo for a girls' night out to cheer her up! - Oh, great idea. - Yeah, and you and Gene are gonna do the thing I bought. Oh. I Wait. Why Well, we could just stay here. And waste my Kissin' Koupon? Are you crazy? It's only for tonight. - Uh - Come on, Bob. Tina needs this. Tina needs a girls' night. A real girls' night. And we're gonna get in that limo and give it to her, right? Yeah! Let's do that thing where I get in a limo. - Yeah! - Okay, fine. Gene, will you do me the honor of being my date tonight? Yes! Just make sure you wait three days to call me afterwards so you don't seem too desperate to be my dad. Okay, girls, get your miniskirts on. The li-mom-sine leaves in five! Okay, Tina? Does that sound fun? Right? (sighs) I guess. Girls' night out! All right! Hi. We're your riders for tonight. Hi. Hello. Uh, I'm your driver. Call me Nat. They didn't tell me I was driving three real-life princesses for Valentine's Day. - (Tina groaning) - Uh-oh. Uh, Nat, ix-nay on the Valentine's Day talk, okay? Yeah. My sister got dumped by a jerk, and her puberty operating system is crashing. - Uh-oh. No bueno. - Yeah, so we're taking my little lonely heart for a fun girls' night out, and we're not gonna talk about boyfriends or love or Valen-you-know-what, okay? Copy that. Loud and clear, sir. Wow! This is nice! Nat, let's get this baby started and take her up to about 120? Okay, excuse me, little bunny girl? -Yeah? You can't stand up in the sunroof - while we're driving. - Well, what about What about Big, the film starring Thomas Hanks? It's called "movie magic. " You want to know what happens when real people drive around hanging out of a sunroof? - Yeah. - Decapitation. It happens all the time. There was a huge uptick in them right after that film came out, but you didn't hear anything about it, I'm sure. - Right? Right? - I mean, I I didn't hear anything. Yeah, not a word. Government covered it up. Oh, my gosh. Thomas Hanks himself got paid a bunch of hush money. - How much? - Around $12,000. - That all checks out. - All right, so where to? Sad girl, you wanna go run over this kid who dumped you or what? - No. - That sounds like a good plan. No, we're not running anyone over. But you know what always makes people feel better after they get their hearts broken? - Lizards. - No! Throwing a tub of baked beans at a meter maid. No! Makeovers. Pretty sure the right answer was lizards, Mom. What do you think, Tina? Makeovers? - Sure. - She loves it! But we should probably get a bunch of baked beans just in case. Uh, what do you think this is for, little miss? LOUISE: Ah, I knew I'd find my real mom someday. Okay, so your mom wrote, "Go down to the wharf, "turn left at the cheese-on-a-stick booth, look up and you'll see it. " - Is it that bird? - Maybe. Do you think it's that drunk clown? I I wish. I'd love to push him over. - ACROBATS: Hup! Hup! - BOB: Oh. Oh, no. Oh, God. GENE: Just to warn you, I ate the perfectly wrong things for this activity. Welcome, couples. Get ready for the night of your life. I'm Tim Flanagan, and this is my brother Jerry. You may be asking yourselves, "Can I really do trapeze?" Well, look at me. I got 30, 40 extra pounds on me. I got diabetes, major depression, a weird skin thing on my foot, you name it. Point is, if I can trapeze, you can trapeze. We'll be learning tonight's routine on the low trapeze over those mats. And then moving to the high trapeze, complete with costumes and music. I know what you're thinking: "Will I really be ready for all that?" Well, in 45 minutes, your answer will probably be, "Sure. " Questions? - You, mustache. - Uh, hi. Yes. I-I'm here with my son, because, well, it's a long story, but he's only 11 Can we still do this? It's totally okay if the answer is no. Oh, trapeze is fun and safe for all ages. Except children under ten They can't participate. Yay! I'm swinging with my dad! Damn, one year off. Uh, excuse me, but have you three gorgeous gals seen my clients? It's us! Look at Tina! Isn't she breathtaking? Aw, look at her. I'm looking at her, and I literally cannot breathe. And with you, - what was the thought process? - Nightmares. Love it. Now, I know what we ought to do. We ought to figure out where this kid is that messed you up. - What'd you say his name is? - Jimmy Jr. Yeah, terrible name. I hate him because of his name. We find out where he is, and then we go down there, and you say, "Hey, look at what you're missing," and then you throw a drink or a smoke bomb on him. - Um - Yes! No, no. Nat, um, I appreciate your input, but what we need is some good old-fashioned cheer-'em-ups. Let's crank up some girl power jams - and limo it out of here! - You're the boss! Whoo! Pickles! - NAT: Hey, no sunroof! - Oh. Sorry. Comin' in. Whee! This is a girl power jam We're all girls, no mans Girl power, girl plus power makes girl power! This is a girl power jam We're all girls, no mans. I'm not giving up yet, Tina. Okay. LINDA: All right, let's get some sugar in this booger and cheer her up. What do you mean you don't have anything? It's Valentine's Day, and you don't have a reservation, ma'am. Oh, come on. My little girl got her heart broken and she - NAT: Linda. Linda. Linda. - Oh, uh, wha where's that ? Come over. I got us a table. - Nat? - Follow my voice. Can you see me? - Hey, it's Nat! - Follow my voice! Follow. Follow. Follow. Follow. - Nat, how'd you do it? - I know the owner. Saved his life After I hit him with my car. Now, should we get the mega-misu flight or the ultra-mega? Ah, man, Nat, you sit next to me, 'Kay? And I mean forever. - BOB: Oh, God. - I know, I know, it's a long way down. But if you fall, this harness thing'll catch you, no problem. Nobody's died on this. Well, except for one guy, but that was 'cause someone dropped a sword out of a hot air balloon. Totally unrelated. We weren't liable. - Hi, Dad! - Hi, Gene. All right, I'm gonna let you go now, and you're gonna swing out. - Hup, hup! - Hup, hup! (Bob and Gene scream) Okay, good job on the swinging. Eh, it's all right. Now, get those legs up! Hup, hup! Oh, my God. So high up. Beautiful. Now release your arms. - Hup, hup! - Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God Don't barf, don't barf, don't barf, don't barf We're doing it, Dad! - We're flying! - I hate it! Now grab hands! Hup, hup! - TIM: Great job! - And let go! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! - (grunts) - I can't! Hup, please? Gene, I think we have to let go. - No way! You let go! But don't! - I w I won't. Guys, please either let go and swing back or release your legs and drop. We have six other couples to get through tonight. (screaming) Uh, I-I think we're gonna need a minute! So, my little Tina-misu, how are you doing? You feeling better? (sighs heavily) I'm full. - Full of sadness. - Oh. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but we could get a dead horse. And we don't put it in the kid's bed he'd be expecting that We put it in his backpack under his homework. He reaches in, all proud he did his homework, and bam! Dead horse. - It's the perfect plan. Let's get the check. - All right. Wow. You guys just said "dead horse," like, five times, and Tina didn't even react. This is bad. I don't get it, honey. You're always on and off with Jimmy Jr. Why is this time so hard? It's not just that we're off right now, or even that he has another valentine. It's it's He I made him a special picture frame for Valentine's Day with a picture of us in it, but then he hung it in his locker with a picture of Becky in it! - He what?! - He what?! That son of a bitch! Well, that's it. I think it's time we do Nat's plan. Okay, I'll call my guy. It's Valentine's Day so he might be pretty low on dead horses, but I'll see what he has in the raccoon family. No, no, we're not gonna do anything with dead horses, or anything violent, but we are gonna make sure his date with Becky doesn't go so great. Let's do it. It's time for little JJ to pay pay. Hear, hear! Now, who has ghillie suits, and who needs ghillie suits? All right, first things first. We need to find out where this little Rom-ee-no is at. - Right, right. - And once we do, and this is just a pitch We can all pitch stuff if we want What if we hit 'em with one of these guys? - What is that? - A stink bomb. I got a whole glove compartment full of 'em. I throw 'em at white guys, pigeons, people I've dated etcetera. Now, Tina, did you ever put a tracking device on Jimmy? Sew it into the back of his neck while he was unconscious, or ? Uh, um, no. - Tina! Ugh! - I'm sorry. Damn it! That's okay. That's okay! - Sorry. - And you have no idea where he might be taking Becky tonight? I don't know. I don't know! Ooh, ooh, what about this Becky girl? Could she be a spy? Maybe some sort of a Cylon? Where would she want to eat dinner? - Leave that to me. Nat, phone. - You got it, boss. - Tina, dial Tammy. - (dials, line rings) Hey, Tammy, it's Louise Belcher. - I need Becky Krespe's number. - What for? To do something mean. (laughs) That's hilarious! Okay, it's 201 Hi. Has Becky left for her date yet? She hasn't? Okay, great. No, I don't want to talk to her. She hates me. Bye! Okay, she hasn't left yet, so if we book it over there, we can follow. Tina, do you know where she lives? 712 Forest Lane, blue house with a little flamingo on the lawn. - Wow. Stalk much? - Yes. Like, a lot. Good girl. Let's roll. (grunting) Oh, you know what? I think it's maybe faster to just get out and go around. Nope. I pushed in more and I'm stuck. Little help here, gals? - (all grunting) - NAT: Oh, no, no, no, no! Okay, yeah, that helps. (yells) My bra unhooked. Oh, I landed on my hand grenade. - Hand grenade? - No one freak out. The guy who sold it to me said it was inactive. Let's see. Yup, we're good. BOB: Gene, we can't stay up here forever. GENE: Maybe we could. I could still have a very fulfilling life. (sighs) Okay, look, on the count of three, we both let go with our hands. I don't think I can. What if instead we let go with our legs? No! Not our legs! JERRY: Guys, you got to let go! BOB: We know, Jerry! Just let me talk to my son! TIM: We thought you were doing that. What have you been doing? BOB: We've been busy! Gene, we have harnesses on, so we'll fall down, but very gently. Okay, okay, let's do it. All right, on the count of three. - Hundred. - Gene, you have to trust me, okay? Look at my face. I am your dad. I will not let anything bad happen to you. - We are going to be fine. - Okay. I trust you, Dad. You guys have a very beautiful relationship. Now, hup! Ready? One two three. (both screaming) - GENE: You didn't let go! - BOB: I know! JERRY: Are you kidding me? TIM: Come on! BOB: I panicked! I couldn't do it! It's the Pestos. Get down! There he is, Little Jimmy Jerk-o. Look at him walking around with his evil stupid legs. Nat, follow that car. - You got it, T. - (engine starts) (tires screeching) - LINDA: Aah! You're gonna hit 'em! - NAT: Sorry, sorry. I got excited. TINA: Ugh. They're having heart-shaped enchiladas? It's worse than I thought. All right, all right, I'm gonna pull around back. We'll Goodfellas it through the kitchen, and then boom! Date over. You think they'll let us in the back? Oh, yeah. One of the busboys is my sensei. All right, this is a bad angle. On my signal, we're gonna casually stroll over to the ladies' room and regroup. - Okay, what's the signal? - "Woof meow. Woof meow. " Of course. That makes sense. Woof meow! Woof meow! Thanks for coming out with me, Becky. You look you look really great with your braces off. Thanks, Jimmy. It's really exciting to eat caramels again. - And I can finally understand what you're saying. - What? Okay, we're go for phase two. Tina, you know what you're doing? Yup. I sneak up as close as I can get to that table and drop these eight stink bombs. Uh, maybe we only need, like, three stink bombs. Better give me the other ones. Okay, I drop these three stink bombs, smell up the joint and slip out the back door. Righty-tighty, Tina. We'll be right behind you, and we'll meet you out back. Hands in, everyone. Girl power on 16. One, two, three, four, five, six - Okay, okay. 16! - Let her finish, Mom! - Let her finish! - Girl girl power. -Seven. - Eight. - Okay. - Keep going, Nat. - Keep going. - Nine, ten - Okay, okay. Six - Ten. - Let her finish! - Okay! - Keep going, Nat. -16. ALL: Girl power! This is the most fun I've ever had. Okay, here goes nothing. (sighs) I can't do it. What? Huh? Oh. JIMMY JR. : Tina? - Tina Belcher? - Oh, hey, Jimmy Jr., Becky. Am I on fire? No? Cool. (chuckles) What brings you guys here this evening? Tina, what are you doing here? Did you follow us? What? No. I-I don't even know who that limo around back belongs to. (chuckles nervously) Anyway, how's the enchilada? Does it taste like, um, uh a heart? - Tina, are you okay? - Yeah, what's going on? (sighs) Fine. You caught me. I-I followed you here. - Oh, no. - I got to get out there and save her. Wait, wait. I think she's got this, maybe. Let her try. Becky, the truth is, I-I came here to stink-bomb the restaurant and ruin your date because I was really sad and jealous that you got to go out with Jimmy Jr. on Valentine's Day instead of me. And that Jimmy Jr. Put your picture in the frame I made for him. - Wait. What? - Yeah, it's a good-size frame. The picture fit really well. But the fact is I I don't want to be this person. And, Becky, you seem really nice. And all you did was get your braces off, probably because your orthodontist said it was time. - It was. - And you accepted an invitation to this really, really nice restaurant with this Wagstaff bad boy, which anyone would have done. You didn't do anything to hurt me on purpose, and I won't do anything to hurt you. You don't deserve to have your date ruined. Thanks, Tina. You seem nice, too. Also, you have some guacamole on your boob. Oh, yeah. Thanks. - No. Other boob. - Oh. Oh, uh, okay. No. Other boob. Oh. What, this one? - It's under it's underneath. - Could you give me a chip? I'll-I'll let you guys get back to your date now. Well, actually, Becky, um, this isn't really working out. - What? - What? Yeah, I-I was gonna wait until we got our heart-shaped flaming flan, but I think we should break up. There just isn't anything here. - Are you joking? - Probably not. He does this stuff, like, a lot. I mean, I-I will, if you insist, I will hang for the flan. Oh. (chuckles, sniffles) (chuckles) Wow. Oh, my God, did he just break up with Becky, too? That little Valen-twerp! Time for a stink bomb from a hot mom! Wait, uh, wait! Give me one, woman. Tina, woof meow! Woof meow! - Oh, no! Becky, come with me! - (Becky gasps) (grunts) No, this isn't gonna work. We're the same size. Let's run. Wait, Tina, come back. I-I'll date you instead, uh, um, if you want. (sniffs) Ew! - I'll smell you in hell. - (clinking) Uh, wait. Wait. Who who are you? (grunting) - Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! (tires screeching) JERRY: Guys, it's been over an hour! TIM: I'm worried about your bodies! (gasps) Gene, I'm sorry. I-I Oh, I can't get my legs off this thing. Do-do you just want me to drop you? No! We do this together or we don't do it at all! Okay. Just just going to go against all my instincts and plummet to the ground while holding my child. Bob, I'm going to give you and your son to the count of three, and if you don't release your legs right now, I'm going to charge you and your son for a second trapeze experience. - The full price. - GENE: We'll pay double! - BOB: Gene, no! - JERRY: One, two - Full price, Bob! - BOB: No, no, no! No, I'm Okay, I'm doing it! I'm doing it! (grunts) Why am I doing it this way? (groaning) Aw, it hurts so much! Dad, release your Krakens! I'm trying, Gene! (both screaming) (both grunt) That was amazing! And they let us keep our unitards. There's an important lesson in there about peeing in stuff you want to keep. I feel so alive! Me, too. I feel like I could do anything. - Should we just go home and watch TV? -Yes. I love you, Dad. I love you, too, pal. TINA: Becky, I'm sorry I ruined your date with Jimmy Jr. You didn't. He did. Should've been a red flag when he picked me up three hours late and he called me Betsy. You know, Valentine's Day is way more fun when you spend it with people you really love, like your mom and your sister and your limo driver. And a girl from your school you don't know that well. Boys come and go, but your girls will always be there for you. That's right. Yes, they will, sister. I mean, you know, sometimes women are awful to other women, but not us, and not tonight, baby! Not tonight! - We doin' this, ladies? - Let's do it! Okay, I want you to repeat after me, and I'm taping it on my phone. Ready? - I - ALL: I Will not sue you if I get decapitated. ALL: Will not sue you if I get decapitated. - Let's eat some bugs! - Yeah. (whooping, cheering) - (tires screeching) - Suck on this, Thomas Hanks! LINDA: Who's big now, baby? Oh, my face!