World Wide Web of Lies

Hey, kid.

My name is Axel.

Okay.

Hey, Axel, FYI, all the fun happens on the trip down.

I don't go down my slide until Nanny Agatha sanitizes it.

Your slide?

You can't own the slide.

Slides belong to the people!

Go away or I'll call my nanny.

Oh, you wanna play the nanny card?

Jessie!

Okay, what's the damage on a scale of hugs to hospital?

This kid Axel is hogging the slide.

Oh, well, I'm sure he'll move if we ask him nicely.

Hi, sweetie, would you please...

Shut your piehole.

Okay, let's go find his nanny.

We need a brat whisperer.

Oh!

Hi. We're looking for Axel's nanny.

Yes?

Ugh!

Yikes!

I am Axel's nanny, Agatha.

And who might you be?

Uh, I am Zuri's nanny, Jessie.

I'm also a little creeped out by her human footrest.

I want to go on the slide!

But it seems your kid thinks it's a library.

So, if you wouldn't mind just asking him to share?

Clearly, you've not been here at this time of day, so you're forgiven for not knowing the rules.

From 1:00 to 5:00, this is my park.

And in my park, Axel doesn't share.

I'm pretty sure you don't own Central Park.

For her sake, I hope she doesn't own a mirror.

And for the mirror's sake.

Nanny Agatha, this stupid girl tried to use my slide and made me lose my place in my book!

Spoiler alert!

The little engine can.

Very well, I've tried to be reasonable, but you've forced me to be harsh.

And they're not kidding.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪ ♪ They got me going crazy the ground're shaking ♪ ♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪ ♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪ ♪ Hey, Jessie ♪ ♪ Hey, Jessie ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

You ready, big guy?

No!

Dang it! Another 7-10 split.

And I should split you like an overripe mango!

Oh, Kipling loves it.

Look at the smile on his face.

That is not a smile.

Of humiliation.ce I curse you and your offspring for a thousand generations!

Well, on behalf of me and my offspring...

You dare to me?

Whoa!

Ow! I can't believe you nurpled me!

You taught me well, brother.

Now the nurple-ee has become the nurple-er!

Hey! Enough with the nurple nonsense!

I'm sick of you two fighting, so from now on, you're gonna handle your problems my way.

By eating our feelings?

By screaming into the dumbwaiter?

By weeping in the hall closet?

Okay, clearly I need to rethink my coping mechanisms.

What I meant was I'm going to teach you two how to wrestle.

In the meantime, you might want to ice down that nurple.

I'm sure Agatha and Axel will be happy to share once they try my famous shun-me-not smackerdoodles.

What those two need is a good smackerdoodle upside the head.

Can't we just go to the 96th Street playground?

I can't walk 20 blocks in these heels.

Although they do make my calves look fantastic.

Meh.

Just go have fun.

Oh, and what do we say if Axel tries to push you around?

"Boy, my pinkeye is sure feeling contagious today."

Good girl.

Psst! Yo. Over here!

You got guts coming back here.

And under a shun.

Um, who are you?

And why are you crouching behind a mushroom?

Get down!

Agatha sees everything!

I'm Fiona. I'm a nanny.

You are?

Hey, musicians need childcare, too.

Huh. Hey, so what's so scary about Agatha anyways?

I mean, besides that snaggletooth.

She's got this blog, Toddler Tattler.

Whenever someone tries to stand up to her, she uploads pictures that make them look like bad nannies.

Fiona!

Gotta go. I've already said too much.

Just stay out of Agatha's way.

Ow! Jessie!

What's going on?

I tried to use the slide, but Axel pulled me down!

Then he said he'd make Millie the Mermaid into a spicy tuna roll!

Cooties!

You again!

Oh, Axel, angel, you look flushed.

Do you need juice?

Juice!

Hey, Axel, you, uh, you want a smackerdoodle?

No! I only eat organic, flourless, carob cookies.

That means nanny's trying to poison me!

I thought you'd have more brains than to show up at my park again.

And I thought only men had moustaches, so I guess we were both wrong.

Wow, that accent is fun.

I'm giving you one last chance.

Trust me, you do not want to see my bad side.

I thought we were looking at it.

Oh!

Hey. Turn that frown upside down. We won.

I don't know.

Something doesn't feel right.

It's probably all the sand on your tutu. Come on.

Okay, now you go hide.

I'll count to 10. One, two...

Jessie, Axel threw his stupid organic gum in my hair!

What a punk!

Here... Oh.

Viva El Luke! Ha-ha!

You look ridiculous.

Well, at least I don't look like The Great Pumpkin.

And I'm gonna scoop you out and roast your seeds!

That actually tickled.

Now go change.

Your opponent would never embarrass himself this way.

Luke, I am ready to throw down.

You will need that mask to hide your shame.

You know, those arm floaties really take the bite out of your trash talk.

Says the guy who got his cape from Ashley's House of Linens.

Okay, okay, listen up.

You two are going to learn how to settle your differences like men.

Short, ridiculous-looking men.

First, training drills.

That's what helped me to become state champ.

Bertram, time has not been kind to you.

Moving on.

Let's work on speed skills.

These are called Foot Fires.

You know, this is less wrestling and more Riverdancing.

I agree.

Maybe if you put on some music, we could have a dance-off to the death.

So, one of the other nannies told me that Agatha has this blog, Toddler Tattler, where she posts pictures of bad nannies.

Oh, I bet a few of my exes are on there.

Let's check it out.

Oh, no.

Oh, my gosh!

That's me.

It looks like I'm spanking you!

Your mother's going to think I'm spanking you!

Don't worry, Jessie.

I'll have Chubby the Bear testify that you're a great nanny.

And Millie the Mermaid.

Her alibis are watertight!

Zuri, don't be ridiculous.

Chubby and Millie don't even like me.

Anyway, your mom is out of town, so maybe she won't even see the photos.

Yeah, it's not like Mom has a team of publicists sending her e-mails every time her name is mentioned online.

Uh-oh.

Okay, warm up's over.

Time for some real drills.

Put these on.

Come on, come on, put them on.

Okay, Flip the Turtle teaches you leverage.

You two get on one side and try to flip me over.

Come on, flip the turtle.

Wow! A free shot at Bertram?

I just got my second wind!

Our apparently resistible force has met your immovable object.

Oh, he's tipping!

Like the leaning tower of too much pizza!

Whoa!

With extra cheese.

Okay, we need to delete any e-mails about Agatha's blog from your mom's inbox before she reads them.

Hmm, do you know her password?

Uh-uh.

Huh. Well, it's usually something simple to remember.

So, what's your mom's favorite thing?

That's easy. Me!

Z-U-R-I. Zuri.

Uh, it didn't work.

What! I need to have a serious talk with Mom.

Mommy!

Zuri!

Who is my favorite little girl?

Well, I thought it was me!

Uh...

Hey, Christina!

How was your trip?

It was great. It turns out I'm huge in Luxembourg.

But then again, it is a very small country.

I got an earlier flight and I wanted to call you guys, but my cell phone died.

Oh, fantastic!

I just mean fantastic that you got an early flight and all.

Why don't you give me your cell phone and I will charge that right up for ya?

Oh, don't be silly.

I can charge it myself, and I'll just check e-mail on my computer.

Oh, your computer isn't working.

I was just about to take it to the shop.

And I will take this to the shop as well.

But this isn't broken.

Enough with the chitchat! Let's go!

That was weird.

Hi, Mom!

Hi, Mrs. Mommy!

Welcome home.

Dinner might be a little late.

But not as weird as that.

It's time to take care of Agatha once and for all.

Ooh, rumble!

Hey, nannies!

That's right.

We're back.

Speaking of backs.

Listen, I know you're busy shunning and all, but think of your kids.

They're miserable.

It's time to stand up to Agatha.

What about her blog?

I need this job.

And you'll keep it if we all just stick together.

Look, we spend all day telling our kids, "As soon as you get to the park, you can run and play however you want."

But we're all so scared of Agatha they never can!

So, it's time to fight back.

She may have the blog and the supercool accent, but we have the numbers.

I, for one, am done being afraid of Agatha!

What's going on?

Son of a biscuit, you're sneaky!

Does anyone have anything they wish to say to me?

Actually, yes. We do!

Right, guys?

Guys?

Well, this is awkward.

Did you really think they'd listen to some nanny wannabe, some faux pair?

Come on, Jessie, let me at her!

I'm gonna knock that tooth straight!

Thank you, Zuri, but it's no use.

I think that mole has evil powers.

All right, Kipling.

If Ravi loses this thing, you cannot eat Luke.

Ladies and lizard, tonight, we have an epic grudge match, brother against brother, in order to settle once and for all, uh, whatever it is they were fighting about this time.

Yay.

First, we have that freckled fiend, that thorn in my side, such a rebel he only brushes his teeth twice a week, Luke the Lion!

Yay! That's my boy!

Viva El Luke.

Isn't he intimidating, folks?

Next, hailing from India and weighing in at a staggering 62 pounds, the Mumbai marauder, Ravi the Ripper!

Yay! That's my other boy!

Okay, let's get this show on the road.

Shake hands.

All right, on my mark, try to pin the other one to the mat.

Ready, set...

Luke?

Yeah, Ravi?

What were we fighting about again?

I can't remember.

Luke?

Yeah, Ravi?

I think I have drooled a little on your shoulder.

It's okay. I'm about to barf on your back.

Okay, break it up.

Break it up.

Oh, they look so beaten-down and exhausted.

And not arguing.

Oh! Way to go, Bertram!

Sweet dreams, boys.

I love you.

Ravi?

Yes, Luke?

Do you think Bertram did this to us on puose?

I am certain of it.

He played us like a sitar.

Stop it, stop it!

Get your own blanket.

Hi! Christina!

Hi! So, can I have my computer and my phone?

What computer?

What phone?

While you guys were out, I went on Luke's laptop and checked my e-mail.

And someone sent me a very interesting link to a blog called Toddler Tattler.

Mom, Jessie was framed!

Okay, I know the pictures look bad, but it's all fake.

I mean, it's real, but I didn't do it.

I mean, I did it, but it's out of context!

Okay, I would never hurt a hair on Zuri's head.

And I watch her every second.

There was just gum in my hair.

Mmm-hmm!

Look, this is where I had to cut it out.

What?

Oh!

When did you do that?

Okay, maybe not every second, and I'm sure she used safety scissors.

Please tell me you used safety scissors.

If it helps you sleep at night.

The point is I'm a good nanny...

I believe you. So, please, don't fire me...

Wait, what?

I trust you.

You've never given me any reason not to.

So if you say the pictures were taken out of context, I believe you.

You really have faith in me?

Of course. Plus, we have you under 24-hour surveillance.

Did you know you are a sleep-eater?

That explains my waking up in a pool of gravy!

Now we know.

You know, I have a history of the paparazzi taking photos of me out of context.

I mean, look!

Look at this one, where I'm supposedly devouring a hamburger.

I mean, everyone knows from my line of tofurgers that I am a vegan!

Mmm-hmm.

I was just smelling it for a second.

Right, of course.

I'm always smelling hamburgers.

With my mouth.

Not so high!

I get nosebleeds!

Yo, Agatha!

Let's chitchat.

Fiona, did you put something in my tea?

I seem to be having a hideous hallucination.

It ain't your tea.

It's me.

I'm back, and I'm going to ask you one more time to take down your bogus blog.

And then post an apology.

Or else!

Or else what?

See this? This is a can of butt-kick, and my mommy's gonna open it up and apply it to you liberally!

What a pity that she's not here.

Hello.

Hello!

Yikes!

I know, right?

Christina Ross?

I'm such a fan.

Your line of carb-free pet food changed my little Jabba the Cat's life!

I can already see more definition in his tail.

What is Christina Ross doing here?

She's my backup, my wingwoman, my BFF.

Uh, she's my boss and she's here to make sure you take down your blog.

Or else my 4,824,951 Flitter followers, give or take a few, are going to hear the truth about you.

"Nanny Agatha, unpleasant to children, to nannies, to be near..."

Should I continue?

I have 80 characters left.

Use them to say "Axel still wears super-absorbent Kidaroos."

Nanny Agatha, do something!

You can't post that.

It'll ruin my career.

Now you know how it feels.

Mmm-hmm!

Cow.

Oh, I'm sorry, did you say something?

Did you say "hit send"?

No, no, no!

Uh, all right, all right!

I'll take down Toddler Tattler.

Let's go, Axel.

We'll find a better place to play.

Tah-tah.

Okay, this accent never gets old.

It's old.

Thanks, Jessie. You rock.

Thanks, Christina.

My pleasure.

Anything for my girls.

Oh!

All right, now let's go play.

Last one to the swing set is a doodie head!

Now, about your password.

Zuri, come push me!

I better go. When I tire her out, it's easier to put her to bed.

Okay, guys, I'm going to teach you a little wrestling move I learned from Bertram.

Ah, this brings back memories from my day in the ring.

Too bad I sustained this career-ending injury.

You guys think you're so tough.

My dad raised me to be a self-defense machine.

It's like I have eyes in the back of my... Hey!

Please don't hurt. Please. Please. Please.

Remember this till next time I want the remote.