One Krabs Trash

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "One Krabs Trash" from season 3, which aired on February 22, 2002.

(a sign that says "Fine Antiques For Sale" is put in Mr Krabs' front yard)

Narrator: Ah, a yard sale. You know the old saying: "One man's trash is another man's treasure."

Mr Krabs: (digs in the trash and pulls out a broken razor) Disposable? Phooey. (grabs the trash can and puts all the items in it on his rug for his yard sale)

Narrator: For Mr Krabs, all trash is treasure. (Mr Krabs gets another trash can and dumps it on the rug. He sniffs the odor then uses fresh scent odor spray and sprays it on the pile of trash)

Mr Krabs: Open for business. (fish walks up) See anything you like?

Fish: Yeah, I'll give you a buck-50 for this umbrella. (umbrella has holes in it)

Mr Krabs: A buck-50 for that? But it's an antique! It belonged to a queen. Ten bucks.

Fish: Ten bucks? (opens up the umbrella) It's full of holes!

Mr Krabs: It was the queen of Switzertland.

Fish: A queen you say? That's... Wait a second... they don't have a queen.

Mr Krabs: Ok, Mr Bargain Hunter, five bucks.

Fish: (hands money to Mr Krabs) Deal! (walks off)

Mr Krabs: (smells the money) Ah, the sweet smell of an all-day sucker. (slurping in background)

Spongebob: They taste even better. (Spongebob and Patrick are licking lollipops) Hi, Mr Krabs.

Patrick: What are you doing?

Mr Krabs: I'm having an antique sale. Have a look around.

Spongebob: (grabs a plunger) Hey, Patrick, look at this thing. Pretty cool, huh?

Patrick: That looks like the toilet plunger I threw out yesterday.

Mr Krabs: (grabs the plunger from Spongebob) That ain't no toilet plunger. This here's an antique! It's, um... uh... (turns the rubber part of the plunger upside-down) ...a 17th-century soup ladle, see?

Patrick: Man, was I using mine wrong. How much?

Mr Krabs: Five bucks.

Patrick: (gets out his money) All I have is seven.

Mr Krabs: (grabs the money) Deal.

Patrick: Patrick Star, you are one smart shopper. (grabs his lollipop, now stuck on a pair of underwear, and licks it)

Spongebob: Wow! Look at this neat-o soda-drinking hat. Oh! It must've belonged to someone who was number one. There's only been a handful of number ones in the history of forever.

Mr Krabs: That's right, Spongebob, and you're one of 'em.

Spongebob: Really?

Mr Krabs: This hat says, "Hey, I'm number one, and I let gravity do my drinking." This hat was made for you, boy. (puts it on Spongebob) You were born to wear this hat.

Spongebob: Eeh.... ooh...!

Mr Krabs: A perfect fit, eh son?

Spongebob: Oh, thank you, Mr Krabs. Thank you for bringing us together! (sighs) How can I ever repay you?

Mr Krabs: With ten dollars.

Spongebob: (reaches into his pocket and takes out some money) All I have is five.

Mr Krabs: Well, I guess it's no deal.

Spongebob: I'll be right back. (zips home to get change out of the couch, in his shoe, and in his piggy bank then runs back to Mr Krabs) Mr Krabs, I found 68 cents. But maybe you can take the other $4.32 out of my paycheck! What do you say?

Mr Krabs: Well... I don't know... but, okay! But only because you look so dashing in that hat.

Spongebob: Thanks, Mr Krabs. (him and Patrick walk off)

Mr Krabs: Don't mention it, boys. (chuckles) What a couple of rubes.

Fish #2: Excuse me, sir, but are you the purveyor of this curio stand?

Mr Krabs: Yes, I am.

Fish #2: I understand you're selling this rare novelty drink hat. (holds up a picture of the hat that Spongebob just bought)

Mr Krabs: Fresh out.

Fish #2: Let me explain. (takes out some money) I'm prepared to give you $500 for that drink hat.

Mr Krabs: (drools) Fi-fi-fi-fi-fi-...

Fish #3: Not so fast. (elbows the other fish out of the way) I'll give you $1000 for such a hat. (Mr Krabs is stammering and drooling)

Fish #4: I'll give you $100000, in cash, for said hat. (Mr Krabs is drooling up a river)

Fish #5: (in a row boat) Sir? I'll give you one million dollars for tha that! (row boat drifts off)

Mr Krabs: (runs off to find the hat) Spongebob! (cut to Spongebob blowing bubbles with his new hat, in front of his house. Mr Krabs is hiding behind a rock) There he is with me million dollar hat. I gotta get it back before he finds out how much it's worth.

Spongebob: Ah! My bubble production has increased two-fold, thanks to you, Hatty.

Mr Krabs: Spongebob!

Spongebob: Hey, Mr K. How's the antique biz treating you?

Mr Krabs: Oh, nevermind that. Listen, I didn't want to say this in front of Patrick, but that hat makes you look like a girl.

Spongebob: Am I a pretty girl?

Mr Krabs: Oh, well, um... you're... you're beautiful. (mail fish looks at Mr Krabs weird) Uh... heh-heh. (Spongebob laughs) All right, now give me the hat back.

Spongebob: But Mr Krabs, you said it yourself... I was born to wear this hat. I don't want to give it back. I can't get rid of this hat now. Not after all that we've been through. (thought bubble of earlier. Spongebob gets the hat and sits down a few feet away from the curio stand) And that's when you showed up.

Mr Krabs: Aw, forget it! And you're not beautiful, either.

Spongebob: I'm not? (cut to later where Spongebob is still blowing bubbles when Mr Krabs shows up with a bag of hats)

Mr Krabs: Spongebob! Just the man I wanted to see. Still playing with that dumb old hat, eh?

Spongebob: Yep.

Mr Krabs: Not sick of that boring old hat, yet?

Spongebob: Nope.

Mr Krabs: Not even a little tired of that piece of junk?

Spongebob: Uh-uh.

Mr Krabs: Not even a teensy-tiny bit?

Spongebob: Nope.

Mr Krabs: Well, then I guess you don't want to see what's in my bag.

Spongebob: What is it?

Mr Krabs: Novelty hats. (takes out a hat with a fan on top of it) How about this air-condition one? (turns it on and blows air really hard in Spongebob's face)

Spongebob: Seems a little dangerous. (Mr Krabs takes out a hat with a mixer on it)

Mr Krabs: The juicer. (puts in a carrot and the juicer spits out carrot juice)

Spongebob: Ooh... (Mr Krabs takes out a hat with the words 'FOXY GRANDPA' on it)

Mr Krabs: Foxy Grandpa? (Spongebob laughs) So, what do you say? Your silly hat for all these hats?

Spongebob: No deal, Mr Krabs. I'm sticking with Hatty. Thanks for the offer, though.

Mr Krabs: I thought the Foxy Grandpa would get him for sure. I didn't want to have to do this but he leaves me no other option. I'm gonna have to scare it off of him. (cut to nighttime. Spongebob is snoring and Mr Krabs is outside his window, drawing a ghost then hanging it off a fishing pole) This'll scare him. (puts it inside Spongebob's window and adds scary moaning for sound effects)

Spongebob: Oh, my gosh! A floating shopping list! (piece of paper is on the wrong side. Spongebob screams)

Mr Krabs: I'm not a shopping list... (turns paper around to show ghost) I'm a ghost.

Spongebob: Noooo!

Mr Krabs: Now, listen, Spongebob.

Spongebob: How do you know my name? Who are you?!

Mr Krabs: I am the ghost of soda drink hats. (hangs down another piece of paper with the soda-drinking hat that Spongebob has) I'm here to tell you that that soda-drinking hat you possess is cursed.

Spongebob: Cursed?

Mr Krabs: Yes. It belonged to some guy who's dead now.

Spongebob: What guy?

Mr Krabs: Uh... Smitty something.

Spongebob: Smitty what?

Mr Krabs: Uh... Smitty Werben... Jaegerman... Jensen.

Spongebob: He must've been number one.

Mr Krabs: Number one in Bogeyland! Now, listen, a curse will descend on you unless you return that hat to its owner immediately.

Spongebob: Immediately?

Mr Krabs: Immediately...

Spongebob: To it's owner?

Mr Krabs: Yes...

Spongebob: Right now?

Mr Krabs: Yes, yes! It must be returned to its owner, right now.

Spongebob: (walks up behind Mr Krabs covered in dirt and holding a shovel) Howdy, Mr Krabs.

Mr Krabs: Ahh! Spongebob! What are you doing here?

Spongebob: I was just returning the cursed soda-drink hat to its original owner: Smitty Werben Jaegerman Jensen.

Mr Krabs: (grabs Spongebob) What?! There is no Smitty Werben Jaegerman Jensen!

Spongebob: Sure there is. He's buried out in Floater's Cemetery.

Mr Krabs: How did? I just... You did... I did... Gimme that shovel. (walks off to the cemetery)

Spongebob: It was hit hat, Mr Krabs. He was number one! (cut to Floater's Cemetery where eerie moaning and hooting are happening)

Mr. Krabs: Huh? (gasps as a bunch of clams are flying over him. Then a black snail growls at him) Ahh! Hold yourself together, Krabs. It's just a boneyard... filled with bones. (gate squeaks open) Ah! (hides behind a tombstone on a hill) What's that? It's Squidward. What's he doing here? (sees Squidward crying as he walks up to a tombstone, puts flowers on it, then leaves. Mr Krabs walks up to the tombstone Squidward was looking at and reads it) "Here lies Squidward's hopes and dreams." What a baby. Where was I? Oh yeah. Gotta find Smitty Whatsajipster. (looks at the names on the different tombstones) Nope. Nope. No. No. No. Uh-uh... No. Not there. (cut to later) I've checked every headstone in this cemetery and there's no Smitty Wabbablabba in here. Think, Krabs. Maybe something Spongebob said will give you some type of clue. (thought bubble of Spongebob)

Spongebob: Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.

Mr Krabs: No, not that!

Spongebob: You'll never guess what I found in my sock last night! Go ahead, guess!

Mr Krabs: No, no, no!

Spongebob: It was hit hat, Mr Krabs. He was number one!

Mr Krabs: (punches thought bubble away) Ah!! Barnacles! I'll never find... (sees the tombstone) The grave! Am I really going to defile this grave for money? Of course I am! (digs and hits something) Jackpot! (opens up the coffin) Ooh. It's beautiful. Come to papa. (takes head off with the hat on) Hey, come on, Smitty, let go! (takes his head off) Rest in pieces, Smitty. (jumps out of the hole) I got the million dollar hat. (lightning and thunder booms. Smitty stands up from his grave with his head in one hand)

Smitty: Hey, man, that's my hat. Give it back.

Mr Krabs: What? No way. Just crawl back into your hole, bone boy. Go ahead, play dead.

Smitty: I guess I'm gonna have to take it from you.

Mr Krabs: Yeah, right. You and what army?

Smitty: (eerie moaning) Only the army of the living dead. (all the other dead bodies are walking towards Mr Krabs)

Mr Krabs: Oh, no. I've seen this on the late show. you ghoulish fiends hold me down and take turns nibbling on my innards. Then you eat my brain and leave my body for the buzzards.

Smitty: That's disgusting. We just want the hat back.

Mr Krabs: No flipping way! (takes the head of a swordfish and uses it as a sword) Get back! Get back, I say.

Smitty: Attack.

Mr Krabs: Tallyho! (sword fights a few zombies) Look at me, I'm Errol Fin! (chops up more bodies) You're falling apart, marrow brain. You must be kidding. (sword fights them) Back to oblivion. (jumps over a group of zombies) Oh, ho. How's your sister? All right, boneheads, playtime's over. (twirls around and destroys all the zombies and runs out of the cemetery) Wa-ha! A million dollars. I've got a million dollars! (runs back to his curio stand where the fish are talking altogether at once) Oh, there you are. Well, I got it. The rare novelty soda-drinking hat. Let's start the bidding at one million dollars. (fish laugh)

Fish #5: Yeah, you want that all at once?

Fish #3: One million dollars. You gotta be kidding!

Fish #4: Hey! The poor sap's not kidding. Didn't you hear? They found a whole warehouse full of them. They're worthless. (bunch of soda-drinking hats are in the dumpster. Spongebob walks by with a hat with clapping hands on the top of it)

Spongebob: Let's give Mr Krabs a big hand. (laughs)

Fish #4: Now that's worth a million dollars. Hey, kid, wait up!

Fish #2: I saw him first!

Fish #3: I'll give you one billion dollars!

Mr Krabs: Well, that's a spirit breaker. (throws the soda-drinking hat away and cries)

Squidward: (walks by with flowers in hand) What a baby.