Excaliferb

(Scene opens up zooming in on Major Monogram's house and then showing the master bedroom)

Carl: Well, how are we doing today, Major? Feeling better?

Major Monogram: Carl? What are you doing here?

Carl: Your wife said it'd be okay if I came up here and kept you company. Would that be all right? I brought a book!

Major Monogram: What kind of book?

Carl: (Somewhat excitedly) It's a fantasy adventure with wizards and knights!

Major Monogram: Are there woodland sprites?

Carl: Well, there's water sprites.

Major Monogram: (After a short pause) Go ahead.

Carl: (Begins reading) Devote your mind to this tale of the distant past, and the adventures that did befall the most noble of knights. (Scene ripples into a scene of a medieval cottage) Where stood the cottage of the humble antique dealer...

Laurence: Cheerio, dear! I'm off to hide these common objects for a couple'a hundred years, until they become valuable.

Linderella: Don't forget to put hay in the ox! (goes inside and begins to do chores) Candavere! I need you to fetch me some more water! Candavere! Oh, where is that maid?

(Scene changes, showing Candavere's room, where she is writing a letter and reading it aloud)

Candavere: Stachilda, news have I upon this evening. At the harvest bonfire I shall be on the arm of Jeremiad. Signed, Candavere. (Finishes writing) There! And now to send off this missive. (Ties letter to pigeon's foot) The time has come to do your duty, my stout-winged messenger! (Releases pigeon out the window, and it flies off, and is burnt up as a column of fire shoots out of the alchemy stove)

(Scene shows Phineas and Ferbalot's alchemy set in the yard. Parable is being used to light the stove. Ferb picks up beaker)

Phineas: That should catalyze it. We'll add it to our inventory of magical elixirs. What say we try a couple of these out? (They both take a potion and Ferbalot pours his on himself, turning into a cyclops) Cool, a cyclops! My turn! (Pours his potion on himself) A manticore! With a lion's head. (Ferbalot takes another potion) A cockatrice!

(Candavere comes through the cottage door)

Candavere: (Singing) Oh yeah, getting some water, and (Slams into door) Yack! ...Gonna have a great Midsummer Woad-Gathering Harvest Bonfire's Eve. (Sees Phineas) Good morrow, Phineas! (Begins singing again) ...With Jeremiad. (sees Ferbalot) Good morrow, Ferbalot! (Realizes what the boys are up to) Grr! What flaxen homespun have we swaggering here?!

Phineas: Careful, Candavere. Better not look at Ferbalot, or you'll turn to stone. (Ferbalot has turned into a Gorgon)

Candavere: This is a most inopportune time for your infernal hijinks, and for once our sad sweet mother will be heralded to your inpropri- Argh, I can't talk like this anymore! You guys are so busted! Mom! (running into the house, she slams into the door again) Yack! (goes into house and slams door)

Phineas: I don't know about you, Ferbalot, but I didn't get any of that. (They both pour a potion on themselves and return to normal; it begins to rain) Hey, there's something fishy about this rain. It's...it's unearthly. Come on, we better get inside.

Lady of the Puddle: (Bursts out of a puddle) Behold! I am the Lady of the Puddle!

Phineas: Don't you mean the Lady of the Lake?

Lady of the Puddle: No, that's my mom.

(Camera pans to the Lady of the Lake)

Lady of the Lake: Hey, kids! You're getting a little quest of your own. Oh, that's so nice.

(Camera pans back to the kids)

Lady of the Puddle: Anyway...Ferbalot, you and Phineas must find the legendary sword Excaliferb and use it to stop the evil sorcerer Malifishmirtz, who is behind this unearthly rain.

Phineas: Yeah, Ferb and I were just talking about the rain. Unearthly—that's...isn't that the word I used? Yeah, I used—I just--

Lady of the Puddle: I will send the magical water sprite, Isabel, to guide you on your quest.

Phineas: Great! Can't wait to meet her.

Lady of the Puddle: And to you, Ferbalot and Phineas, I bid thee good fortune! (turns into a wave of water and splashes on the boys)

Phineas: Wow, good thing she wasn't "Lady of the Hot Coffee." (at Linda) Mom! Ferb and I are going on a quest.

Linderella: (from inside the cottage) Don't forget to goad the geese on your way out!

Phineas: Sure thing, mom. (at a goose) Get in there, Gertrude!

(The goose flaps into the yard, honking angrily.)

Phineas: (opens the gate door) Whoa! This must be the sprite, Isabel!

Isabel: What art thou doin'? (curtseys)

Phineas: Apparently you're going to guide us on a quest.

Isabel: Yes. You must first cross the Raging River of Uncertainty by way of the Bridge of Comprehension. Then you must brave the Swamp of Spit-Poor Attitudes; then it's snack time, I brought along some apples. After that, you will enter the Cave of Ten Thousand Monsters, where the sword Excaliferb can be found. (at Ferbalot) Ferb, only a warrior with a true heart may draw it from the stone and wield it in battle against the evil sorcerer Malifishmirtz.

(Phineas glances at Ferbalot)

Ferbalot: (after a short pause) Yeah, okay, I'm down with that.

Isabel: (at Phineas) Do you have any questions?

Phineas: Yeah, where's Parable?

(Scene shows Parable walking through the forest then puts on his hat and runs to the tower where he climbs what looks like hair. When he reaches the top it turns out to be a king with a long mustache.)

Monopunzel: Good morning Sir P. (the feather in Parable's hat shoots out) The tempest we're experiencing was conjured up by the evil Malifishmirtz, we need you to fly up to his evil fortress and put the kibosh on his evil machinations.

(Parable flies off)

(The scene shifts back to Major Monogram's room)

Major Monogram: I really like that character; is there going to be more about him?

Carl: I'm sorry, sir, he just comes in at the beginning. Shall I continue? (Major Monogram mumbles under his breath) Huh?

Major Monogram: OK.

Carl: Meanwhile, back at the cottage of the humble antique dealer...

(Scene changes to inside the cottage with Candavere and Linderella)

Candavere: Mom, I'm telling you; they're gallivanting around out there conjuring things with magical elixirs.

Linderella: Candavere, I've never see them gallivant.

Candavere: (sighs in frustration) When are you going to believe me? What if I got you some proof?

Linderella: I'd rather you got me some more grulewood.

Candavere: Fine. (leaves the cottage, talks to herself) Candavere, fetch me grulewood. Candavere, rake the roof-thatch. Candavere, go accuse the neighbors of witchcraft. If only I had some (sees the potions) proof! (grabs two of them) All I have to do is grab a couple of these to show Mom and (trips causing the potions to spill on her) Oof! Ugh. What is this stuff? (a unicorn horn appears on her head) Ahh, stupid potion! I know, maybe this will get rid of it. (pours another potion on her head) That didn't work. I'm going to go tell Mom. (turns around and sees a tail) Aaugh! Oh, great a tail! Phineas and Ferbalot, you are so bu.. (breaths fire) I can't go to the Midsummer Woad-Gathering Harvest Bonfire like this. What will Jeremiad think? I'm just gonna have to find Phineas and Ferb and make them tell me which one of these elixirs will change me back. (grabs some potions and runs, but trips again causing all of them to spill on her making different colored smoke to appear) Ah! Oh this is not, oh no. Oh. Oh, there's a... oh no. Oh...

(scene changes to Malifishmirtz's fortress)

Malifishmirtz Evil Incorporated, but not really a corporation because corporations haven't been invented yet so it's more like a guild or a tradesmen association!

(Parable flies to Malifishmertz's fortress and breaks down the door)

Malifishmirtz: Ah-ha! Parable the Dragonpus, welcome to your doom! (aims his staff to shoot magic at Parable but doesn't work) Hey, wha-what's the matter with this thing? Hey-Hey Gnorme, can you come out here and give me a hand?

Gnorme: Of course! (walks in and drops a cage on Parable)

Malifishmirtz: Do you like him, Parable the Dragonpus? I call him a Lawn Gnorme. He protects my garden from witches' spells and wood trolls. I'm going to make small versions of him and sell them all over... Anyway, let me tell you about my plan for seizing control of the Tri-Kingdom Area. (walks down the tower) You see, I was bullfrog hunting down by the rat catcher's shack and came across a... (muffled sound from going around the back of the stairs) ...the biggest raspberry I've ever seen! It was the size of a cucumber! (muffled sound) ...is what I said because I had a gag over my mouth. (muffled sound continues until he reached the bottom) ...and that's why I decided to take over the Tri-Kingdom Area! True story. And now, I know exactly how to do it! You see, I found this ancient text, more of a-- a pamphlet really, and decided to use it to conjure up the most evil multitude to ever tread the Earth! But to do that, I needed to start with the most hideous substance known to man: Canned meat! Tripe-Henge Brand, only the best! So, earlier today, I placed thousands of cans of canned meat into the largest of my three cauldrons, cast my evil reanimation spell, and ta-da! (Gnorme dumps them out of the cauldron, and the small meatlings begin chattering "meat") Yeah, don't say it, I know, they're—they're a little small, but that's why the rain, see? They absorb water, and they will grow, and when they get bigger, I'm hoping their attitude will become a little more, you know, rampage-y.

Phineas: Isabel, why did you take us to the Inn of the Prancing Platypus?

Isabel: We need allies. There's a lot of mercenaries and thugs to choose from. Plus, they make a great taco salad.

Phineas: Who's that creepy guy? He's been staring at us since we got here. I wonder what he wants...

Isabel: He's coming over! Be cool.

Bufavulous: I would recommend a little more caution from you, wizardling. Malifishmirtz's spies are everywhere. Look at that guy over there.

Phineas: He doesn't look like a spy; he looks more like a shepherd.

Bufavulous: He's a shepherd spy. They're the worst kind.

Phineas: Are you a mercenary thug?

Bufavulous: Actually I'm here for the taco salad. But you guys look like you could do with a little muscle. The name's Bufavulous, the Wind Lord. I can help you on your quest.

Phineas: Welcome aboard!

Bufavulous: You should also know that I travel with a companion by the name of Baljeetolas, of the Nerdling Realm.

Baljeetolas: Greetings, adventurers! If by my bow, or my vast store of useless knowledge I may aid you... Hey, where is my bow?

Bufavulous: You left it in the booth.

Baljeetolas: Oh, excuse me. Well, there it is. Has anyone seen my arrows?

Bufavulous: Bathroom!

Isabel: Now that we're all congregated, we must away!

Bufavulous: Let everyone now task his thought, that this fair quest may on foot be brought!

(The five begin their quest accompanied by banjo music)

Monogram: Whoa, hey, whoa, hold it. What's with the banjo?

Carl: Traveling music.

Monogram: Where are they going, Alabama?

Carl: What do you mean, sir?

Monogram: Well, uh, questing music should have an element of foreboding and mystery, you know, lots of minor chords and stuff. And, to make it sound more medieval, you throw a major chord in right at the end.

Carl: (sighs) Okay, I'll see what I can do. And so, the merry band set off on their quest, to the foreboding sounds of minor chords. Better?

Monogram: Little less sarcasm would be nice.

(Song: "Questing Song")

A-questing we will go

Into this cursed rain

We're ill-prepared and under-trained

With no practical knowledge of this terrain

A brute, a girl, two brothers, and a brain

Hiking up this inclined plain

(The shepherd spy whispers something into Malifishmirtz's ear)

Malifishmirtz: What do you know, my shepherd spy tells me that a team of erstwhile heroes bent on defeating me are on their way here right now.

(The spy whispers something else in Malifishmirtz's ear)

Malifishmirtz: Oh, yeah, sure. It's just down that way, past the Sally-port on your right. You can't miss it!

''(The group come to a bridge spanning what looks to be a gorge) '' Phineas: A bridge.

Baljeetolas: Are not these kind of things guarded in these types of stories?

Bufavulous: Yeah, like by a troll?

Troll: (Appears in a puff of smoke) Do I look like a troll to you?

Baljeetolas: Do not answer truthfully; it will only enrage her.

Troll: In order to cross my Bridge of Comprehension, you must first answer three questions. The questions will fall into three categories: arts and sciences, social studies, and what's hot and what's not.

Baljeetolas: (Standing beneath the bridge in the creek bed) Uh, hey guys? It is not really that deep down here.

Troll: The answer must be given in haiku form.

Phineas: If it's all the same to you, we'll just go around.

Troll: It's not all the same to me.

(They cross the river)

Baljeetolas: Just for the record,

The answer to your riddle

is an egg. Bye now!

Troll: Come back! You can't ju... Wait a minute! Just-for-the-rec-ord The-an-swer-to-your-rid-dle is-an-egg-bye-now. Hum, what do you know, that was a haiku.

Malifishmirtz: The time has come, my little meat gamejos. Rain down on my enemies, and stop them from advancing. And bring me back a newspaper. (Malifishmirtz fires them from a catapult and cackles) You too. Go. (He flings one more meatling)

Phineas: Uh oh. Doesn't look good. (In reference to the giant gorge they are overlooking) Whoa.

Bufavulous: This is where that crazy old bat should have built her bridge.

Isabel: This is the Rocky, Shallow River of Nevermore.

Baljeetolas: Why must everything have such long names?

Phineas: We're going to have to turn around and find another way across this gorge.

(The meatlings land in front of them)

Bufavulous: Oh no, canned meat! Now we're in trouble.

Isabel: But they're so cute.

Phineas: They're getting bigger!

Bufavulous: And more rampagey!

(They are backed up to the cliff's edge)

Baljeetolas: Are quests usually this short?

Phineas: We're not going to go without a fight!

Isabel: Phineas! I want all of you to jump.

Phineas: Uh, you know that it's called the Rocky, Shallow River of Nevermore for a reason, right?

Isabel: I have a plan, just trust me!

Phineas: I don't know, how 'bout you Ferb? (Ferbalot jumps off the cliff) Should we... Ferb? He's right. Come on! (He jumps as well)

Bufavulous: Mother always told me that if all the other kids were jumping off a cliff, I should, too.

Baljeetolas: Your mother said that?

Bufovulous: She was not a nurturer. Let's go!

(They both jump off)

Phineas: Isabel, if you're going to do something, now would be a nice time! (The screen freezes with the four of them all in midair)

Major Monogram: Carl, you- you stopped!

Carl: I think we need to take a little break.

Major Monogram: Wow, bad time for that. You totally left me hanging in that cliff scene.

Carl: That's kinda the point, sir.

Major Monogram: Oh, I see. Very clever.

Part II
Major Monogram Geesh, Carl, what- what took so long?

Carl: Sorry sir. I was just down in your beautiful kitchen and your wife was making two sandwiches. And I got to tell you, they were de-lish!

Major Monogram: Did she make one for me?

Carl: Oh...huh. How about we get back to the book?

Major Monogram: Carl, did you eat my sandwich?

Carl: As our heroes fell, doubt swept through them-

Major Monogram: Carl, you ate my sandwich!

Carl: Do you want to hear this or not, sir?

Major Monogram: Okay.

Carl: As our heroes fell, doubt swept through them.

Phineas: Isabel! If you're going to do something, now would be a nice time!

Isabel: Sisters! Hear my summons, beckon through the rain, carry thy waters to me now, and fill the river once again.

(The water sprites bring water into the river and create a water slide of sorts for the band to ride down to safety on)

Isabel: Nice work, girls! See you at Tuesday's brunch.

Phineas: That was cool; a slide made out of water!

Bufavulous: What would you call a thing like that?

Baljeetolas: I don't know.

(A rumbling is heard)

Troll: Oh good, another customer for my bridge. In order to cross my Bridge of (She turns around and opens her eyes as a shadow falls over her) Com... Com... Com...

Candavere (in a strange voice): Have you seen my brothers?

Troll: (Points in the direction Phineas and Ferbalot went) Com... Com... Com... Cooooom...prehension. Well, I think that went well.

Isabel: We're getting close. This must be the Swamp of Spit-Poor Attitudes!

Phineas: Why is it called that?

Isabel: Legend has it, that in order to get across this swampy marsh, you have to have a good attitude.

Phineas: This swamp was made for me! Come on, Ferbalot!

Baljeetolas: Come on Bufavulous, what is the holdup?

Bufavulous: I ain't goin'.

Isabel: Just think good thoughts, and you'll be fine!

Bufavulous: You don't know me very well, do you?

Phineas: Hey guys, I can see Mount Doof from here, we're almost there!

Baljeetolas: I have an idea. I think I have a way to get you across this swamp. I have been working on a way of solving problems by the process of deriving reliable generalizations from observation. I call it "logic."

Bufavulous: Logic? How come I've never heard of this?

Baljeetolas: Because it is the Middle Ages.

Bufavulous: Oh, is it anything like hysterical hearsay?

Baljeetolas: Yes, in that it is the exact opposite of that.

Bufavulous: Yeah?

Baljeetolas: Listen, here is how it works. By observing the swamp, logic tells me that it is too big to go around. And by gathering information about it from Isabel, I can logically make assessments about the best way to get across. Are you following me?

Bufavulous: Absolutely not.

Baljeetolas: (He sighs) Phineas has pie.

Bufavulous: Out of my way, runt! (He runs across the swamp)

Malifishmirtz: And that's why the Earth is flat, Parable the Drogonpus. Huh, what's this?

Mirror: Thou hast mail!

Malifishmirtz: Mail? Who's it from, let me see? Ooh, a video! (Pulls up a video of the five heroes) Look at that. I don't believe it! How did these miscreants escape my meatlings?

Isabel: Behold, the Cave of Ten Thousand Monsters! Here you will find the sword Excaliferb.

Phineas: Cool! Looks like you're on, bro.

Malifishmirtz: Let's see how they deal with this! (He throws a puff of smoke at the mirror, which causes a large pile of rocks to come tumbling down at the kids)

Phineas: Uh-oh! Avalanche! Quick, inside! (They all run inside just before the rocks block the entrance) Malifishmirtz: That should do it. (Parable chatters) Now where were we, Parable the Dragonpu- (Parable kicks Malifishmirtz in the face) Hey! How did you escape from-- (The cage is seen, burnt through) Oh, right, fire-breathing dragon, wicker cage... What do you know, that guy at the pet shop was right. (Parable launches himself at Malifishmirtz, but is knocked towards the window and tries to prevent himself from falling) Ah-HA!! (Parable gets shot by Malifishmirtz's staff and falls out the window) Man, this thing really does work when you put batteries in it.

Lady of the Puddle: Ferbalot... (He wakes up) The object you seek is near. Come this way. (Ferbalot is led towards a glowing blue light) Behold! The sword Excaliferb! (The sword is sticking out of a stone with a sign reading "One Yanketh Per Customer") The instrument that will be Malifishmirtz's end.

(The Lady of the Puddle disappears)

Phineas: (walking into the Excaliferb room with the rest of the heroes) Wow. Look! Ferbalot is modeling this season's latest in magical weaponry, Excaliferb. But, wasn't there something we had to do first?

(Ferbalot pulls the sword from the stone. This causes large doors to open, revealing many angry-looking eyes.)

Phineas: Oh, right. The Cave of Ten Thousand Monsters.

(Malifishmirtz advances towards Parable, who has landed on a rock)

Malifishmirtz: (laughs evilly) Finally, my greatest nemesis vanquished! Now, Parable the Dragonpus, prepare to meet your dim. Doom! I mean Doom. Prepare to meet your... Uh, man, talk about blowing the moment.

(Suddenly the band appears, riding the ten thousand monsters to Mount Doof)

Ferbalot: Behold, evil wizard Malifishmirtz. (draws sword) I hold the sword Excaliferb. This mystical vorpal blade was given to me by the Lady of the Puddle. Get a good look at it, for it is the instrument of your demise! (The blade of the sword falls off the hilt) Well, uh, okay. So big deal, the end's come off.

Phineas: Looks like we're switching to plan B everyone.

Bufavulous: Plan B?

Baljeetolas: Yes, that is where we all attack him with ten thousand monsters.

Bufavulous: Oh, that plan B.

Malifishmirtz: Are you kidding me?! I'm not afraid of you kids or your monsters. In fact, I am not afraid of anything! Ha! Except, you know, unicorns, but other than that, nothing! Just unicorns and... and whales. That's... That's a given, everyone's afraid of whales. And squid. Uh, Unicorns, whales, and squid, and... and Pegasuses. That's it! Pegasuses, whales, unicorns, squid, scorpions, barnacles—You know, I should really make a list. And girls. I used to be terrified of girls but I sort of got over that. (The genetically twisted Candavere appears behind him) Now it's just, you know, like, sort of a mild anxiety. So just to recap: girls, whales, squid-- (Notices that everyone is looking towards the sky) Hey, what's everyone looking at?

(Sees Candavere)

Candavere: Phineas and Ferb-a-Lot, you are so busted!

Malifishmirtz: Oh, what do you know, it's a uni-whale-scorpio-Pega-squid-icorn- girl. What are the odds. You know, taken all together, it's more ridiculous than scary. I guess it doesn't have a cumulative effect.

Phineas: Advance!

Malifishmirtz: Meatlings, you advance too.

(Song: "Epic Monster Battle")

Their battle cries rend the skies asunder

Their massive feet beat the mountains down

Mortal fear combines with wonder

And the titan king will be crowned

Out of the misty swamp they lumber

While the heavens above them thunder

Bufavulous: (to Baljeetolas) ''Hey, are you gonna eat your cucumber? What!? I had a light lunch.''

It's an epic monster battle

Sound the awesome monster horn

For an evil wizard and the dragonpus

And a uni-whale-scorpio-Pega-squid-icorn

...girl

Crashing turns to quiet

And calm sweeps through the land

The battle's been decided

But who had the upper hand?

But look, a hero rises from the smoke

Our glory has been regained

A cheer goes up among our army...

But the other guy gets up again!

Now for truth the battle's over

And evil's reign is done

Our hero stands triumphant...

No, no, wait, I was wrong.

He's up again!

''I feel reasonably sure it's over this time. What do you guys think? Oh, wait,''

He's up again!

Carl: From the top of another hill, a figure appears, a shaft of light shining off his auburn hair. It was Carl, the Red-headed Paladin from the land of Internius. He--

Monogram: Carl, now you're just getting ridiculous.

Carl: I don't see why I can't be in this story. Besides, it's totally better this way.

Monogram: I don't care, read it the way it's written.

Carl: Fine. Suddenly they all found out a way to settle their differences, and it wasn't long before a peace accord was drafted and signed.

Monogram: Cut it out, Carl! Read what it really says.

Carl: That's what it says. Look, see for yourself.

Monogram: (Reading) Hmm, both contracting parties, undertake to maintain peaceful and friendly relations between them, in the mutual ib- Oh! Come on Carl! Whatever happened to Candavere, what about Jeremiad? Carl: Well, I suppose I could just skip to the epilogue, sir. Hmm. Having signed the peace accord, the happy wanderers returned to their village as heroes. The rain stopped, and Candavere kept her date with Jeremiad. As they danced, she was as happy as a young girl could be. Especially as she was now back to normal. (Candavere spits out fire) Well, almost. But even as the heroes recalled their tales of glory, the evil Malifishmirtz slipped away, bent on laying the groundwork for a sequel. (Malifishmirtz escapes from his pillory) But for now, all was right with the world, and everyone in the village agreed that it was the best Midsummer Woad-Gathering Harvest Bonfire's Eve ever. Certainly the first one to have ten thousand monsters. The End. How was that, sir?

Monogram: Okay, I guess.

Carl: Well, I guess I'd better get going.

Monogram: Carl?

Carl: Yes, sir?

Monogram: Maybe you could come back and read to me tomorrow?

Carl: Uh, we kind of have to work tomorrow.

Monogram: Oh, fine.

End credits
(Song: "Epic Monster Battle")

Now for truth the battle's over

And evil's reign is done

Our hero stands triumphant...

No, no, wait, I was wrong.

He's up again!

''I feel reasonably sure it's over this time. What do you guys think? Oh, wait,''

He's up again!

Carl: From the top of another hill, a figure appears, a shaft of light shining off his auburn hair.

Monogram: Carl!

Carl: Sir, you're crushing my spirit.

Monogram: ''Yes. Yes I am.''