Freckled Bananas and a Little Schwinn

reviously on Mom...

You guys hear that?

Jill's figured out what's missing in her life.

Great. What is it?

I need to have a baby.

Don't get me wrong.

I love her, but Jill is the last person in the world who should be having a baby.

So what's the plan?

I don't know.

Figure out a way to talk her out of this baby craziness.

I will tell her how painful it was when you came out of me feet-first.

I came out feet-first so I could run.

Jill Kendall?

Jill, don't do this.

Being a parent is hard, it's exhausting, and you are not cut out for it.

I never want to talk to you again.

I'm not sure why we're buying Jill a birthday present.

She's barely speaking to me.

Well, that's what happens when you tell someone they're not fit to reproduce.

Do you think it's a good idea for her to have a baby?

God, no. I was gonna wait till she actually has a kid and then talk about her behind her back, like a true friend.

Let's just find something for under a hundred bucks so I can go to work and earn 75.

What about these gloves?

We can buy one.

(sighs)

Okay, let's spread out. Hey.

If you see something nice, damage it.

Maybe we'll get a break. (clicks tongue)

(humming softly)

May I help you with something?

I'm just browsing.

Yeah, I sensed that.

Kind of a lot to spend on a piece of plastic with a fancy name on the side.

Those are hand-carved tortoise shell with 18-karat gold hinges.

Oh. Didn't know that.

Why would you?

Score!

Really? It's kind of ugly.

It's on sale... 80 bucks.

We would like to purchase this.

I'll ring it up.

If you're still interested in sunglasses, there's a Walgreens down the street.

The sad thing is, we do need to go to Walgreens.

I'll buy her a tube of bitch cream.

Will that be cash or credit card?

Well, I've got eight credit cards.

Let's spin the wheel and see which one's good.

Meet you at the car, Mom.

Okay.

Whew! Blockbuster.

You don't see these anymore, do you?

Blink if you're here against your will.

Can you believe that saleswoman? (scoffs)

Acts like she's royalty, but you know she's eating a Blimpie for lunch.

Bet she was in a bunch of those little kid beauty pageants and never won.

(chuckles)

Are those new?

These? No.

Are you sure? I've never seen 'em.

Yeah, had 'em a while.

Just been out of the rotation.

You're gonna stick with that story, even with the price tag still on 'em?

What?

Oh. Uh... Huh.

If you were gonna shoplift, you could've taken the scarf, too.

I just hated that woman so much.

She treated me like white trash who couldn't afford nice things.

You are, and you can't.

I know!

They are beautiful.

You look like a movie star.

Especially the ones who go crazy and steal stuff.

It's just not fair.

I work my ass off, I'm sober, I give a penny way more than I take a penny, and what do I get?

Drugstore sunglasses that aren't even polarized.

What does that mean exactly... “polarized”?

I don't know, but I deserve polarized!

Save it for Judge Judy.

Just drive.

Your outstanding warrant is in Nevada, right?

I said drive!

What?

Nothing.

You just look so small from up here on the moral high ground.

This one's from me.

Oh, thank you, Marjorie.

Oh! A book!

With no words in it.

That's what the pen is for.

Writing in a journal...

It helps you process your thoughts and feelings.

Fun!

In fact, I'm gonna write that.

“This... is... fun.”

Exclamation point!

Here's a gift that isn't like homework.

From me and Christy.

Oh, thanks, Bonnie.

(flatly): Christy.

Come on. I said I'm sorry.

I'm sure you'll be a great mother.

This is my birthday, Christy. Let's not make this about you.

Oh!

That is a lot of color!

Thanks, Bonnie.

(flatly): Christy.

I'm starting to feel really bad about my gift card.

Oh, don't. I'm sure I'll love it.

(gasps) Oh, Wendy, thank you!

Do you like it?

I do.

I've always wanted to go to a Best Buy.

Now I guess I have to.

Thanks, everybody.

The best gift is having you guys in my life.

(flatly): And you, Christy.

(sighs)

Those new sunglasses?

Indeed they are, and they come with a story.

What's the story?

I thought I lost 'em, then I found 'em.

Not much of a story.

Nobody gets killed, nobody gets laid.

Those are Prada.

No, they're not. They're knockoffs.

Knockoffs are everything else you're wearing.

Those babies are Prada.

Do me a favor. Just go back to freezing me out.

Whatever do you mean?

What are you writing? Is that about me?

No.

“Hateful” has one “L.”

Why are you turning here?

Adam's coming over later.

I'm gonna get him some beer.

You want to wait in the car or come in and steal something?

A lot of choices by the cash register.

Slim Jims, couple of freckled bananas.

How long are you gonna roast me on this thing?

Hard to say. It's kind of like gum.

You never know when it's gonna lose its flavor.

Hey, you can steal gum.

Hilarious.

You're in a handicap spot.

No problem.

What's that? Is that Adam's thingie?

Of course not. I borrowed his, copied it at Kinko's, and voila.

It's laminated.

Yeah, I do good work.

So that's a counterfeit handicap placard?

Keep your voice down.

How could you do this?

I am running an errand for a handicapped person.

So, therefore, placard privileges transfer to me.

No, they don't.

Well, they should.

Or are you in favor of a disabled person getting his beer at a slower rate than other people?

Because if so, (scoffs) wow.

(scoffs)

(siren whoops)

Hold it right there, please.

Me?

Hi there.

You realize you're in a handicap spot?

Yes, I am.

And as you can see, I have a placard.

That issued to you?

Well, yes, of course.

I had... both my hips replaced.

Still working out the kinks.

Mommy, do the limp again!

I need to see your I.D.

How about you show me your I.D.?

'Cause all I'm seeing are some skin-tight shorts and a bicycle.

For all I know, you could be on your way to a bachelorette party.

I mean, you're very handsome. It's possible.

Just show me your license and registration.

Okay, look... it's my boyfriend's placard.

I don't see a boyfriend.

You do not because he is at home, confined to his wheelchair, just waiting for the one thing that helps him get through his lonely, handicapped day: beer.

It's probably hard for you to imagine with your... perfectly-muscled legs.

I'm gonna have to cite you.

Ah, son of a bitch. How about this?

I just move my car to another spot, and we can file this one under “lesson learned”"

Too late, ma'am.

Officer, if you put me in the witness protection program, I'll tell you everything!

Pipe down, sunglasses!

How about I just jump in my car and drive off?

You think you can catch me on your little Schwinn?

Two Baker 21, requesting backup.

He's bluffing, Mom! Run for it!

Oh, come on!

A handicapped boyfriend and a mentally ill daughter?

Have some compassion!

You know what? I'm not paying this ticket.

I'm gonna take it to court.

Good for you.

You have every right to pretend to be handicapped.

No, you don't get it.

This is a First Amendment issue.

Remind me.

You know, First Amendment...

The one that says I can do whatever I want.

Are you insane?

If I can get a doctor to so testify, then yes.

(knock on door)

That's Adam.

Do not say a word about this.

Really? You're not gonna tell him?

What about your honest and open relationship you're always bragging about?

That doesn't really serve my interests right now, does it?

Hello!

Hey. (chuckles) Mmm.

Mmm.

Come on in, you handsome devil.

Hey, Adam.

Hi, Christy.

So, what's the plan tonight?

We gonna eat here, go out for a bite?

You pick. Whatever makes you happy.

Really? Okay.

Um, let's order in pizza and watch some football.

All right, but only if you promise to let me ride you like a pony during halftime.

Uh, uh, Bonnie...

Don't worry about me; I'm dead inside.

Let me get you a beer and something to snack on.

Okay, what's going on with her?

Excuse me?

The last time she was this nice was right after she gave me that... haircut.

Hey, I warned you, but you were in love.

So what did she do now?

I don't think she did anything, but if you're concerned, maybe you should press her on it.

What you talking about?

Adam seems to think something's going on with you.

(sighs) Thank you, Christy.

I was gonna wait till after halftime.

There's nothing going on with me.

Drink your beer.

Sip it slow; it was very expensive.

All right, what's the deal?

If you must know, when I went to pick up the beer, I got a ticket... no biggie.

Oh. Bummer. What for?

Just a parking ticket, you know, for the way in which I parked.

(snorts)

What's (snorts) mean?

Sorry, a lot of blow went up here.

Still paying the price.

Come on, somebody tell me.

Fine. I-I was in a little bit of a hurry to get you your beer, so I parked in a handicap spot.

Wow. That is not cool.

Agreed. Which is why I only use it when I'm doing something for you.

Use what?

Uh... Okay. Okay.

You know that I'm a big fan of arts and crafts.

Well, a while back, I got an idea for a project, which now, in hindsight, might have been morally questionable.

Or as the cop said, “despicable.”

Oh, just get to it.

I made a copy of your handicap parking placard and laminated it so it'd look official.

(laughs): I...

You got to be kidding me.

She's not. Show him the limp.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Here's the problem.

I love... to laminate things.

Always have.

Registration, Social Security card, you name it.

Call me crazy, but once a document is covered in plastic, it's just better.

This is not a joke, Bonnie.

I don't even use that thing.

It's for people who really need it.

Well, I know that, but...

No, no, no.

I-I'm serious. I'm lucky, I can still get around, but there are people in such bad shape, going to the store is their entire day.

That spot changes... everything.

I understand.

Do you?

Because an able-bodied person parking in a handicap spot is kind of the definition of “don't understand.”

Christy stole sunglasses! She just took 'em!

Seriously?

The saleslady was mean to me!

Oh, my God, who are you people?!

Believe it or not, better versions of who we used to be.

Christy, can I talk to your mom alone for a minute, please?

Yeah, sure.

I've seen what I came to see.

Do we really need to talk?

Because I-I think I get it now.

Sit down.

Not there.

I hope you're happy. Adam left.

I'm sorry. I didn't think it would go that far.

Says he has grave concerns about my character.

I haven't heard that since kindergarten.

Well, I'm sure he'll cool down and you guys'll work it out.

I hope so.

Where you going?

I'm too upset to go to sleep.

Good.

You know what, you have no right to sleep either.

I have confessed my so-called crime and have been punished for it, whereas you don't even have the balls to admit you did something wrong.

(mockingly): “I'm a good person.

She was mean to me. I give a penny.”

Oh, yeah, how about you?

(mockingly): “I love to laminate things, always have”"

(sighs)

(gasps)

Hi. I don't know if you remember me.

I was in yesterday with my mom.

We bought that scarf.

Oh, sure, Walgreens.

That scarf was a sale item, so I'm sorry, you can't return it.

No, I don't want to return it.

The reason I'm here is because...

(phone rings)

Sugar Magnolia. Can I help you?

Oh, hello, Mrs. Crawford.

No, I'm not busy.

A little busy.

Yeah, your shoes came in this morning.

Oh, they're gorgeous.

Excuse me, you were helping me.

Yes, and now I'm helping Mrs. Crawford.

Yes, I'm here till 6:00.

In fact, I'll pull some other new items that came in.

Oh, there's an adorable...

Would anyone else like to share?

I'll go.

I'm Marjorie, and I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Marjorie.

(sighs) I'm not feeling very good about myself right now.

Last night, my husband and I were supposed to have dinner with his family, which...

I don't know how to describe it.

Uch.

Anyway, just as we were about to leave, I told Victor that I had an AA emergency and I had to go meet with one of my sponsees.

So I lied to my husband.

And yeah, maybe it was a small, one-time thing, but, uh, I believe everything we do brings us either closer or further away from a drink.

And this one brought me closer.

So I need to fix it.

You know, I sit here and listen to your crap!

(mouths)

Sorry I'm late. I-I couldn't find a parking spot.

I mean, there was one, but... not for me.

Doesn't matter.

Happy to walk, grateful to walk.

So, I'm here.

What couldn't you tell me on the phone?

I wanted to be looking in your eyes when I say...

Move it along, Bonnie.

I understand what I did was wrong.

And I'm not gonna try to justify it by telling you I was raised in the foster system with no one to teach me the difference between right and wrong, or that I ran away when I was 13, lived on the streets, eating only what I could steal, until I got pregnant and ended up sleeping in my car.

Well, it wasn't my car, it was a car.

Bonnie, if you're trying to apologize, just... apologize.

Believe it or not, I am trying.

This is the sewage that comes out.

Probably because of the many hardships I've faced.

(groans softly)

Yep, me again.

Okay, here it is.

I stole a pair of sunglasses, expensive ones.

But I feel bad about it, so I'm bringing them back.

You stole these?

I did.

And these gloves.

You played a role, but I take full responsibility.

And I'm sorry.

Unbelievable.

Yep, not my finest moment.

Moments.

I don't know what to say.

I mean, people shoplift all the time, but no one's actually ever come back to apologize.

That took a lot of courage.

Well, yeah, it kind of did.

But I'm trying to live my life more honestly, 'cause I don't want to drink again.

Good for you.

But I still have to call the police.

Wait, what? No!

I came back here to make amends and...

Aw, screw it! Try and catch me!

Just hope you can forgive me so someday we can laugh about it, like we do about that bad haircut I gave you.

That was funny to you?

No, not at all.

Please tell me how I can make it up to you.

I don't know, Bonnie.

There's got to be something.

Do you need anything laminated?

(chuckling)

Was that Christy?

Yeah. So, we good?