Space Elevator

1 Heads up, we got a visitor coming. Is it a government agent, coming to take us away? Our secrets been out for a year. Why would they take us away now? Let's just say, I've done some things. It's my chief scientist Dr. Ryan. He is by far the smartest man I have ever worked with. (Pointedly clearing throat) Ahem! Oh, you are right. I am sorry. I am the smartest man I have ever worked with. (Giggles) Dr. Ryan was head of his class at MIT. And he's been Davenport Industries' employee of the month twice! That's never happened. Well, except, of course for me. You named yourself employee of the month at your own company? I think you love you a little too much. It's not because I love myself. It's because I am better than everyone else. Hey, hey! Wassup, dudes? Lady dude. This is your esteemed chief scientist? And employee of the month! Got the parking space and everything. I don't drive, but my mom uses it when she picks me up. That's right, twenty-eight, still living rent-free in my parents' basement. Jealous? No. Dr. Ryan is here to construct and test Davenport Industries new space elevator. Space elevator?! You see, this why people are out of shape. You should be building space stairs. It's a highly advanced transport that climbs a tether all the way to our space stations. Since it's held up by gravity we can resupply without ever using a rocket. (Angrily huffs) Chase you look confused and/or constipated. Do you have a question? Yes! Why is he working on this? The space elevator was my project. I've been working on it for years. Yes, but I had to pass it off so you could focus on being a mentor. Don't worry, Dr. Ryan's been working off your research. You gave him my research?! Yes, and it's been very helpful. It's always good to know what's wrong so you can find what's right. Oh, no. Mr. Davenport, you can't let him do this! Check his rÃ©sumÃ©, Chase. He is one of the greatest minds of our time. (Dr. Ryan giggles) I just designed a photo app that puts your face on a dog's butt. Oh! No argument here, this guy is a genius. The world's first bionic superhumans. They are stronger than us, faster, smarter, The next generation of the human race is Living on a bionic island. (Theme song playing) So that'll be the launch pad for the space elevator. What do you think? I'll have to do some calculations, but sounds legit. I already did the calculations, in my head, they are totally legit. Well, then if you'll excuse me, I need to get to work. (Plays air guitar) (Continues playing air guitar) What is he doing? Shh. It's his process. This isn't fair. You can't let him build my elevator without me! You know what? You're right. Dr. Ryan? I'm in the bridge, I'm in the bridge. Thank you, thank you. (Clapping) Proceed. Oh I want Chase to join you on the project. Thank you. As your assistant. What?! This guy is a joke. I bet he doesn't even know anything about tensor equations. Not much, just that Tensors are used to represent correspondences between sets of geometric vectors for applications in Newtonian physics. Roughly. Come on, Chase. You guys are gonna make a terrific team. Don't worry, assistant dude. I'll make sure you're very involved in the process. I'll even let you play air drums. (Plays air drums) Quick, catch my sticks. (Both play air guitar) As we come to the end of our first scholastic term here at the Honorable Donald Davenport World Famous Bionic Academy Pretty sure that's not the name. Pretty sure you didn't pay for it. After reviewing all your performances, I'm happy to say that you will all be moving up a color level. (Applause) And Leo will be moving up two color levels. Ooh! Thank you, thank you. You know, as a young boy, I never dreamed I'd Oh, just put the shirt on. It's a bit big, don't you think? Oh, my bad. Got cold last night so I wore it to bed. I must've stretched it in my sleep. Why didn't you get a blanket? 'Cause I wanted to stretch your shirt. Guys, I didn't want to say this in front of the other students, but not everyone passed. (Sighs) I've been expecting this. And I have already written my letter of resignation. Not you. There's still one student stuck at the lowest level: yellow. Who? Yellow! Wait, Bob is failing? But he tried so hard. Yeah, but he is just not tough enough. I'm worried he doesn't have the fight it takes to become a bionic hero. Wait, watch this. Guys, we're under attack! (Bob screams) (Sighs) Look at this mess. Don't you know how to clean up after yourself? Chase, geniuses can't be bothered with little things like cleaning and, uh (Sniffs) personal hygiene. Really? 'Cause I have no problem cleaning up after myself. And that's what makes you a good assistant. I am not your assistant! I am a genius. I am! Right. Aren't you like a really smart robot? Which button do I push to make you go away? I'm not a robot! But, you are pushing my buttons. Oh, okay. You wanna go? Come on. I take karate class every Saturday at the mall! Oh, yeah? Karate, huh? What, does your mommy drive you to that too? No! I ride my bike. Oh, you ride your bike? With its training wheels? No! They are not training wheels, they are horizontal stabilizers. Back up. Guys, break it up! Big D sent me down here to help you out. So you guys need to both set aside your differences and work together. Whatever. Fine. I'll run some algorithms for the tether gravity test. And Chase, you can go over to that support column and screw in the lug nuts. Or I could use my bionic intelligence to work on the algorithm while you screw in the lug nuts. You know, I would, but Davenport said you work for me. So Lug it up, Robotron. (Whirring) Okay, Bob, it's our job as mentors to help you. So we're gonna toughen you up. Now you're on a mission. Hundreds of lives are at stake. And the only way to save them is to punch this pad as hard as you can. What are you gonna do? I'm gonna call you guys! Okay, and what if we don't answer? I am gonna leave a message and wait for you to call me back. No, Bob, you need to punch the pad! Right. Punch the pad. I got this. Aah! I don't want to punch the pad. Why not? What did that pad ever do to us? Nothing. But, if you want to pass you have to hit it. I mean, you know you have super strength, right? Yeah, but I don't wanna use it for fighting. I only use it for really important stuff. Like opening peanut butter jars and jelly jars and pickle jars. You see where I'm going with this? This is hopeless. Bob's never gonna move up to green. You're right. We just need to demote everyone else back to yellow. You know, maybe we need someone else to teach him. Someone who doesn't care about his feelings. Someone who can crush his spirit and make him snap. Move it! Yellow! T-bone, Lipstick! Get on over here and hold down the dummy. I gotta work off my morning meat loaf. Looks like we are ready to launch. Hold it! Whoa! Whoa! I thought I told you guys not to start without me. Oh, Chase, geniuses can't be bothered. I am a genius. Stop telling me what geniuses do. I'm very impressed, you guys. Because of you two, we're about to make history. Yes, thanks to my expert engineering And if it wasn't for Chase, the lug nuts would still be in a tin can. I didn't do the lug nuts. Leo did. And I did them well. Behold, ladies and gentlemen, you are looking at the world's first space elevator, and my new haircut. Which one is more impressive, only time will tell. Don't you think I should do a microscopic scan with my bionic eye first just to make sure? Tut! Tut! Tut! Trust me. My work is flawless. I graduated college when I was fourteen. Oh, yeah? Well I went to high school for a year and a half. You showed him. I'm gonna do this scan anyway. Of course you are. (Beeping) (Chuckles) A-ha! There is a design flaw in the braking system. He won't be able to stop. You serious? Yeah. We have to tell Dr. Ryan. No. Wait. What if we don't? He'll be humiliated in front of everyone and Mr. Davenport will Send him packing and reassign you to head the project. That's a brilliant plan. Shady, but brilliant. Thank you. Now just one more thing. I need you to strap in the test dummy. Oh, you won't be needing that. I will be taking the inaugural ride myself. (Screams) No, you can't. Yes, I can. Watch me. Stop! You're gonna die! The capsule's soundproof. I can't hear you. But I read lips. Say it again. You're gonna die. Oh, I guess I can't read lips. It looks like you're saying I'm gonna die. (Laughs) Mr. Davenport's life is in danger. You have to abort the launch. Trying to sabotage my moment with straight up lies? It hurts me to say this, but you're out of the air band. I'll just tell Mr. Davenport myself. Give me the comm set. No! (Gasps) You broke my new comm set. You owe me $15. 99. Great! Now we can't communicate with Big D. I scanned your elevator. There is a design flaw in the braking system. One of your genius algorithms must've been off. And you tell me now? I take it back. You are not a good assistant. Ten Nine What are you doing? Seven Six Sorry. I always get caught up in countdowns. Four Where is the abort button? Why would I make an "I'm going to fail" button? Because you just failed! (Cheering) So do you think you can teach Bob to be more aggressive? It worked for you two. Ol' Donnie D may have created you but it was my tough love that turned you into teenage killing machines. We don't kill people. Not without my orders you don't! Oh, you two should leave. You're not gonna wanna see this. Say good-bye to the Bob you know. Bye, Bob. So, I hear you're a softy. Well, I don't mean to brag but Quiet, grunt! Say good-bye to the Bob you know. Bye, Bob. (Thundering sounds) (Cluttering) She does have a way with children. Whoa I gotta say, people, from down here, it looks like my launch was on point. Really? Once the elevator reaches the end of the tether Mr. Davenport will be floating in space with no way back! I won't say anything if you don't. Guys! The elevator speed keeps increasing! I wonder if Big D even knows how fast he's going. (Screaming) Okay, killer, let her rip! (Screams) Wow Last time I told him to let her rip, he did something completely different. Very impressive. How'd you do that so quickly? Easy, I just told him a few Perry war stories. Like what? That's between me and that scarred-for-life little boy. I don't get it. If all you did was talk to him, then what was with all the wall shaking and awful animal noises? Oh, that was before I talked to Bob. I dropped a dumbbell on my last good toe. That was the sound of me chewing it off. (Mr. Davenport screams) I think I know how to stop it. What if we No! You don't have to. I didn't even say anything! I know it's gonna be wrong. Hey, wait a minute. Isn't the elevator propelled by magnets? Both: Duh! So if we reverse the polarity, won't it send Big D back down? I know. He's right. What do we do? I've never been corrected before! Oh, and I have? Congratulations, you are the dumbest geniuses I know, now fix this. Here. (Beeping) This should reverse the direction of the magnetic current. (Beeping) Done. (Mr. Davenport screams) Oh. (Screams) It worked. It's coming back down. [Both] I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! Guys? There's still no way to stop it. And the elevator is coming down ten times faster. Both: He did it! Congratulations on graduating to the green level. Ah, get on with it and gimme my shirt! Sorry, they we were out of green ones, so I improvised. Here's a white one with avocado stains. Way to go, Bob. You're the last person to graduate to the next level. And I cannot wait for you to almost fail again next year. What he means is we're proud of you. Are you kidding me?! If you were proud you'd have gotten me a real shirt! (Screams) I think you might have pushed Bob a little too far. Yeah! He's out of control. I know! You've got to fix him. No way. You wanna make him nice again? You people disgust me! (Spits) Get out of my space! Bob! You have got to stop that. If you keep it up no one is going to want to hang out with you. Good! But that means I won't wanna hang out with you. That's right you won't! Whoa, what? But you said you wanted me to be aggressive and stuff my little Bumble Bree. Yes, only when you're training or on a mission. Oh! Then why did Perry tell me to be like that all the time? Because she's Perry. She is about to face the wrath of new Bob! (Screams) New Bob versus old Perry. Now that's a cage match I gotta see. Twenty seconds to impact! What do we do?! Look away. Forget it, I'll save him. No! Leo, get off of that thing. The elevator will crush you. My bionic arm is strong enough to stop it. At that speed the impact will carry all the way through your body. My arm also absorbs energy. Maybe it'll withstand the impact. It's too risky. I hate to say it, but Chase is right. It's coming! We don't have a choice! (Grunting) (Cheering) I did it. I'm okay. And it's heavy! Mr. Davenport? How did you get out of the elevator? I ejected using the parachute I brought with me. You don't think I trust my life to some technology built by a couple of kids and an air guitarist, do you? Hey, Leo. What the You're not even in there?! (Screams) All: Ooh! It's okay. If I don't look, it won't hurt as much. I looked! I looked! I looked! (Gasping) Leo, you're okay! The doctor said his femur and tibia bones were broken so badly he'd need a titanium rod put in. Then Big D said that sounds expensive and wheeled me right out of the hospital. That's not what really happened. I was just worried he wouldn't be able to go on missions anymore. So I did the procedure myself. Now he has a bionic leg. Wait, so, thanks to you, Leo got injured and now has another bionic limb? I'm beginning to question your parenting skills. You two are my brightest minds. What happened out there? We got so caught up in proving to each other how smart we are that we did something really stupid. I guess I need to learn to work with others. It just ain't my "thang. " Yeah. Neither is proper English. Hey, Big D, are you sure this worked? My leg doesn't feel any different. Well, it may take a little while for the bionics to kick in. Oh! Good thing my reflexes Whoa! Ow! Looks like it worked to me.