Stardust

A philosopher once asked, "Are we human because we gaze at the stars, "or do we gaze at them because we are human?" Pointless, really- Do the stars gaze back? Now, that's a question- But I'm getting ahead of myself- Our story really begins here, at the Royal Academy of Science in London, England, where a letter arrived, containing a very strange inquiry- It had come from a country boy and the scientist who read it thought it might be a practical joke of some kind- But he duly wrote a reply politely explaining that the query was nonsense- And posted it to the boy who lived in a village called Wall, so named, the boy had said, for the wall that ran alongside it- A wall that, according to local folklore, hid an extraordinary secret- I'm charged with guarding the portal to another world. And you're asking me to just Iet you through? Yes. Because, Iet's be honest, it's a field. Look, do you see another world out there? No. You see a field. Do you see anything nonhuman? No. And you know why? Because it's a field! Hundreds of years, this wall's been here. Hundreds of years, this gap's been under 24-hour guard. -Well... -One more word, and I'II have you up in front of the village council! -Well, that sounds rather final. -Yeah. -Better just go home, then, I suppose. -Right, then. Night, Dunstan. Give my best to your father. Stop! Stop! I don't deal with time-wasters. Get over here and tend this stall. I'm off to The SIaughtered Prince for a pint. See anything you Iike? Definitely. I mean, what I meant was these ones, the blue ones. How much are they? They might be the color of your hair. Or they might be all of your memories before you were three. I can check if you Iike. Anyway, you shouldn't buy the bluebells. Buy this one instead. Snowdrop. It'II bring you Iuck. But what does that cost? This one costs a kiss. Is she gone? Follow me. I'm a princess, tricked into being a witch's slave. Will you Iiberate me? It's an enchanted chain. I'II only be free when she dies. Sorry. Well, if I can't Iiberate you, what do you want of me? So, the scientist was wrong- The wall had successfully done its job of hiding the magical kingdom of Stormhold- The young man returned that night to his home in England, hoping that his adventure would soon be forgotten- But nine months later, he received an unexpected souvenir- This was Ieft at the wall for you. It says here his name is Tristan. Tristan? Don't forget the flowers. Yes. I've got them. Thank you, Father. Eighteen years passed, and the baby Tristan grew up knowing nothing of his unconventional heritage- But never mind how the infant became a boy- This is the story of how Tristan Thorn becomes a man, a much greater challenge altogether- For to achieve it, he must win the heart of his one true love- -It's him! -It's him! Humphrey? Humphrey? -No, it's Tristan. -Oh. Did I Ieave something at the shop? No. I just thought I could bring... Tristan Thorn, shop boy by day, peeping Tom by night. Is there no end to your charms? Humphrey, there's no need to be Iike that. Be nice to the poor boy. Were those for Victoria? You were always useless at fencing in school, Tristan. In fact, I'm having trouble remembering if there was anything you were good at. Humphrey, that's enough. Are you all right? Yeah. Yeah, fine. -Want some breakfast? -No, I'm really Iate for work. -Are you all right? -Yeah. Fine. Why? Oh, I don't know. Last night, how'd it go? Oh, really good. Really, really good. Hello, Tristan. -Victoria. -Pound of sugar, please. -Yes. -Let's see, a bag of flour, a dozen eggs. Oh, Iook, I'm sorry about Iast night. Humphrey was really rude. I also need a sack of potatoes and some chocolate, please. May I perhaps see you tonight? No, but you may walk me home. Now? Yes. Yes, I can. Father, I Iost my job. Father, I don't... I Iost my job. I'm sorry. -Father... -You Iost your job. Yes, so I heard. Father, I'm sorry. I... Maybe Mr. Monday was right. Maybe I am deluding myself. -I'm not good enough for Victoria. -He said that? That's poppycock. You really want to know how it went Iast night? Yeah. Not good. Come on. I'm wasting my time. I'm not Iike Humphrey. Tristan, I can tell you that every man I ever envied when I was a boy has Ied an unremarkable Iife. So you don't fit with the popular crowd. Now, I take that as a very good omen. -Tristan, I clearly said... -I know. You told me not to come. I have something for you. A surprise. No... It's not my birthday for another week, you know. -I've never had champagne before. -Yeah, me, neither. My God! This is delicious! How did... Well, how does a shop boy afford all of this? I'm not a shop boy. God! I heard. I'm sorry. What are you going to do now? No. I mean, I'm not a shop boy. I was just working in a shop. And now I'm not. Now I'm free to Iive my Iife as I wish. This must have been all your savings. So? I can make more. That's the beauty of it. I never intended to stay in Wall, Victoria. There's a big world out there, I'm gonna make my fortune. Now you sound just Iike Humphrey. He's quite a traveler. Do you know he's going all the way to Ipswich just to buy me a ring? Ipswich? Victoria, I'm talking about London or Paris or... A ring? Why is he... What kind of a ring? The word is he's planning to propose to me on my birthday. He's going to... And you're gonna say yes. I can't exactly say no after he's gone all the way to Ipswich. "AII the way to Ipswich"? Victoria, for your hand in marriage, I'd cross oceans or continents. -Really? -Yes. Victoria, for your hand in marriage, I would go to the gold fields of San Francisco and bring you back your weight in gold. I would. I'd go to Africa and bring you back a diamond as big as your fist. Or I'd go to the Arctic and I'd slaughter a polar bear and bring you back its head. A polar bear's head? You're funny, Tristan. People Iike you and people Iike me, we're just not... I should be going. It's really Iate. Well, hold on, then. Let's at Ieast finish the champagne. Okay. Had Tristan known then how the stars watched Earth, he'd have shuddered at the very thought of an audience to his humiliation- But, fortunately for him, nearly every star in the sky was at that moment Iooking in earnest at the land on the other side of the wall, where the King of all Stormhold lay on his deathbed, which was a coincidence because it was the King's final act that would change the course of Tristan's destiny forever- Where is Secundus? He's on his way, Father. Then we shall wait. Sorry I'm Iate, Father. I came as swiftly as I was able. Septimus. Primus. Tertius. So, to the matter of succession. Of my seven sons, there are four of you today still standing. This is quite a break with tradition. I had 12 brothers. And you killed them all for your throne before your father, the King, even felt poorly. We know, Father. You're strong and courageous. And cunning. Most importantly, cunning. -Secundus. -Yes, Father? Look through the window. Tell me what you see. I see the kingdom, Father. The whole of Stormhold. -And? -My kingdom? Maybe. Look up. -Secundus. -Sextus. Quartus. Quintus. You're alive. You're... Stuck Iike this till the new king is crowned. I was that close. Well, at Ieast you haven't Iost your Iooks. Oh, please. You're not annoyed about that whole murder thing, are you? -I mean, that was 10 years ago. -Yeah. Great deal of good it did you, didn't it, killing me, Secundus? Because now, of course, now you are King of all Stormhold. Oh, sorry. Wait. No, you're not. You're dead. Una? Una? No, Father, it's me, your son. Tertius. Where is your sister, Una? Sorry, Father. Nobody has seen Una for years now. -Septimus? -What? Tradition dictates the throne must pass to a male heir. Exactly, Father. So why would I kill my sister when these cretins are still alive? Indeed. Therefore, we shall resolve the situation in a non-traditional manner. Only he of royal blood can restore the ruby. And the one of you that does so shall be the new King of Stormhold. Oh, Tristan! A shooting star! Beautiful. More beautiful than a fancy ring from Ipswich? Victoria, for your hand in marriage, I'd cross the wall and I'd bring you back that fallen star. You can't cross the wall. Nobody crosses the wall. Now you're just being silly. I'm not being silly. I'd do it. For you, I'd do anything. My very own star. It seems we have ourselves an agreement. You have exactly one week or I'm marrying Humphrey. Mormo! Empusa! Wake up. Now! -What is it? -A star has fallen. Where are the Babylon candles? You used the Iast one, Lamia, Perhaps we can obtain another. Perhaps we can obtain another. Has your mind become as decrepit as your face, Empusa? You speak as if such things are freely available. I know, sister, I merely thought... You'd have us hunting for a Babylon candle while some other witch finds our star. Fool. There's no time to waste. If we must retrieve it on foot, then we shall. Mormo, we need information. If these divinations are correct, the fallen star Iies 1 00 miles away. Four centuries we've waited for this. What hardship a few more days? Which of us shall go, then, to seek it and bring it back? -I've his kidney. -I've his Iiver. And I've his heart. You'II be needing what's Ieft of the Iast star. -There's not much Ieft. -Soon, there'II be plenty for us all. -Dunstan Thorn. Not again. -It's Tristan, actually. Oh. You do Iook a bit Iike your father. And I suppose you intend to cross the wall as well, do you? Well, you can forget it. Go home. Cross the wall as well as who? No one. Nobody. Nobody crosses the wall. You know that! Everybody knows that! Yeah... No, no, I know. I understand. Nobody. Well, I better just head for the old homestead, then. Yeah. -Right, then. Night, Tristan. -Good night. Give my best to your father. Off you go. I thought I heard you come in. Hey, what happened? Are you hurt? No, I'm fine. -That Humphrey again? -No. Actually, it was the guard. The guard at the wall. Tristan, he's 97 years old. Well, that's given him plenty of time to practice, then, hasn't it? Why, may I ask, were you trying to cross the wall? I might ask you the same thing. I have a mother. I mean, I have a mother. She could still be alive. Oh, I hope so. I certainly Iike to think so. The chain you cut. Just Iike you said. And... And the glass flower. The flower she sold to you. She told me it would bring me Iuck. Thank you. This was also in the basket. I've never opened it. It's addressed to you. Yep. "My dearest Tristan, please know that I only ever wanted the best for you." Had my mistress allowed it, I would have kept you in a heartbeat- My dearest wish is that we will meet someday- The fastest way to travel is by candlelight- To use it, think of me and only me- I will think of you every day, for always- "Your mother." Well, do you... Do you have a Iight? Mother? Oh! Oh, Mother, I'm so... I'm so sorry. Are you all right? No, I'm not. And I'm not your mother, so get off me! You're... You're not my mother? Do I Iook Iike I'm your mother? No. Sorry. Well, are you all right? Do you want some help? You can help by Ieaving me alone! AII right. Oh, my God. "Light the candle and think of me." I was. I was thinking of my... But then Victoria and the star just popped into... Oh, excuse me, madam. Sorry. This may seem strange, but have you seen a fallen star anywhere? -You're funny. -No, really, we're in a crater. This must be where it fell. Yeah, this is where it fell. It is. Or if you want to be really specific, up there is where this weird, bloody necklace came out of nowhere and knocked it out of the heavens when it was minding its own business. And over there is where it Ianded. And right here, this is where it got hit by a magical flying moron! You're the star! You're the star? Really? Oh, wow. I'm sorry. I had no idea you'd be a... May I just say in advance that I am sorry? -Sorry for what? -For this. Now, if I am not mistaken, this means you have to come with me. See, you're going to be a birthday gift for Victoria, my true Iove. But of course! Nothing says romance Iike the gift of a kidnapped, injured woman! I'm not going anywhere with you. Hurry. You should be on your way now, Primus. You must find the royal necklace with the ruby before your brothers. I should Iike to see you take the throne. The first benevolent king. I don't doubt Stormhold would be a better place under your rule. Really? Well, that is fascinating. -Don't you think, Tertius? -Yes, indeed. Prince Septimus! Tertius. Well... Well. Well, well, I... Since you're all here, won't you join me in a toast? What a very good idea. To the new King of Stormhold, whichever of you fine fellows it might be. To the new King of Stormhold. You! You really thought that you were king? -You killed the Bishop? -No, Primus. I think you'II find that you killed the Bishop by drinking out of the wrong cup. Oh, Iook, when you finish wrestling with your conscience, may I suggest you return to your chamber? Leave the quest for the stone to me. How have we Iived this way all these years? In my absence, I expect you to make it fit for the queens we are. When I return with our prize, all of us shall be young again. Never fear, my sisters. I will not fail. Don't you ever sleep? Not at night. May have escaped your notice, genius, but that's when stars have rather better things to do. They're coming out, shining, that sort of thing. Yeah, well, it may have escaped yours, but you're not in the sky anymore. Coming out is off the agenda. Shining has been suspended until further notice. Oh, and sleeping during the day is O-U-T. Unless you have some magical ability to sleep while you're walking. Have you not got it into your thick head yet? I'm not walking anywhere! Fine. Sit in a crater. I've had enough of you anyway. I was gonna put you back in the sky once I'd brought you to my Victoria, but clearly, you'd rather sit on your own in the middle of nowhere forever. And just how were you planning to get me back to the sky? I find the fastest way to travel is by candlelight. -You've got a Babylon candle. -Yeah, I have a bubbling candle. -A Babylon candle. -That's what I said. You said "Bubbling." Anyway, I was going to give what's Ieft of it to you. Well, that barely has one use Ieft. So be grateful I'm not using it right now to get us both back to the wall. Unless you have a better way of getting yourself home. Fine! Help me up. AII right. AII right. I'm helping. And you are gonna have to walk quicker than that. Otherwise, I'II never get you back to Victoria in a week. Don't push your Iuck. Don't take Iess than a florin for him, Bernard! You understand? -Yes, Mother. -No dilly-dallying! And don't even think of stopping at the tavern, Bernard, or you'II be sorry! A florin for your goat, boy. Oh. He's a bit small to pull your cart. You're quite right. That's much better. Bernard! Bernard! Get on! Who goes there? What do you want with me, a poor old flower... Oh, do shut up. I know what you are and I swear by the ordinances of the sisterhood to which we both belong that I mean you no harm this day. I wish to share your meal. Well, one can never be too careful. Sit down. I'II get you a seat. -Anything else? -Nope. What's it to be? Heads or tails? Heads. So, stranger, where are you headed off to on this fine day? I seek a fallen star. She fell not far from here. And when I find her, I shall take my great knife and cut out her heart while she still Iives. And the glory of our youth shall be restored. Fallen star? That's the best news I've had in ages. I could do with Iosing a few years meself. So whereabouts did you... Limbus grass! You dare to steal truth from my Iips by feeding me Iimbus grass? Do you have any idea what a big mistake you've made, Ditchwater Sal? How do you know my... -Who are you? -Look again. I shall not seek the star, Your Dark Majesty. I swear. Seek all you wish. You shall not see the star, touch it, smell or hear it. You will not perceive her even if she stands before you. Pray you never meet me again, Ditchwater Sal. Oh, right. So Iet me get this straight. You think you know we're going the right way because... And I quote, "I just do." I do, though. I don't know why. Maybe it's my Iove for Victoria guiding me home. -PIease. -Yvonne, whether you Iike it or not... Yvaine! My name is Yvaine, so... How many times do I have to... Would you... Would you please slow down? Yes, yes. Look, we're... We're going north, all right? The wall's north. And if you Iook up in the sky, even during the day, you can see the... The evening star. That's so weird. That's funny. Hilarious. My sides are splitting. No, I'm being... Wait that... That was you! Really? What... What are... -What are you doing? -What does it Iook Iike I'm doing? -Sitting down. I'm tired. -PIease don't do this again. We agreed we'd stop off at the next village to eat and rest. Come on, Tristan. It's midday. I never stay up this Iate! Just, please, Iet me sleep! Okay, you... Well, then I'II... You sleep. I'II go and get something to eat. What are you doing? What does it Iook Iike I'm doing? I'm making sure you don't run away. Your Highness, the soothsayer, as you requested. South, you said. South we went. Still no stone. Do you now propose we start swimming? Sire, I've merely relayed to you what the runes have told me. I can do no more. Well, consult them again. Wait. Before we seek the stone, I have another question. Am I the seventh son? Yes. Another question. Is my favorite color blue? Yes. Has excessive begging or pleading ever persuaded me to spare the Iife of a traitor? What does that mean? -That means no. -Good. Throw them again. This time, throw them high. Do you work for my brother? So, do we continue west? Tristan? Who's there? Tristan, is that you? It's not funny. Tristan? Come on. Be careful how much magic you use, sister. It's beginning to show. One goat and a small enchantment. Hardly extravagant. Well, even using the ring will take its toll. Better you call on us only in dire need. And use your runes to Iocate the star yourself. I used them and she should be here. But now they're just telling me gibberish. It is because you must stay where you are, my sister. She is coming to you. Oh, be warned, Lamia. Delicacy is needed. Misery has drained her. She's barely shining. Set a trap that ensures her heart is glowing before you cut it out. Yvaine! Yvaine! Oh, you idiot. You shall become human. You are Billy, the innkeeper. I am your wife, and you're our daughter. Now, make everything ready. Our special guest will be here soon. I mean, who's to say he'd have even kept his promise about the candle? I just refuse to believe he's the only person in Stormhold who could've helped me. Going on and on and on. Just "Victoria this" and "Victoria that." Tristan? Please protect our sister, Tristan- Yvaine is in grave danger- The unicorn came to help her- But now they're heading into a trap- No star is safe in Stormhold- The last to fall, 400 years ago, was captured by the same witches who seek Yvaine now- They tricked her, cared for her, and when her heart was once more aglow, they cut it from her chest and ate it- There's no time to waste- A coach is coming- By any means possible, you must get on it- Run- Whoa! If Septimus insists on sending a boy to do a man's job... No, no, no, wait, please! I don't know a Septimus. I just need a Iift. Look at me, Iook at me. I'm unarmed. PIease. PIease, Iet me ride with you. I'm afraid that's impossible. I'm on a quest of enormous importance. Well, then all the more reason to take me with you. There may come a time when you need a second pair of hands. Sir? PIease. Maybe providence sent me to you just as it sent you to me. -Get on. -Oh, yes. Thank you. Goodness me, my dear. Come in out of this wretched rain! We have food and drink, a warm bed and plenty of hot water for a bath. How do you Iike your bath? Warm, hot or boil-a-Iobster? I honestly don't know. Then Iet me choose for you, and I'II have my husband take your horse to the stable. Billy? Now, Iet's get you out of your wet things, shall we? Feeling better? Much. Thank you. The warm water's actually done me a world of good. You see? The powers of a nice, hot bath. And your Ieg? Any improvement? That is extraordinary. It's the very Ieast I could do. I'm just glad you're feeling better. You seem happier in yourself, too. I do feel happier. Less troubled. Wonderful. Nothing Iike a nice soak to warm the cockles of your heart. Now, I'm only a simple innkeeper's wife, but I've been told I have a healer's hands. I'd be glad to give you a massage. What's a massage? Never had... Well, bless my soul. Nothing Iike a massage to send you off for the finest and deepest night's sleep. I do have trouble sleeping at night. Lie on your back, dear. Why not close your eyes? You'II drift off better that way. Hello! Service! Maybe we should carry on and try the next inn, especially if this stone is as close as your runes say. I'II give it one more try. Relax here, my Iove. I'II be back just as soon as I've taken care of this customer. At Iast. We require accommodation. PIease help my friend take the horses to the stables. Hello! Oh. I'm accustomed to better service, but you're awake now and that's what counts. Prepare your best room. -She got the stone. -Stone, stone. I'II thank you not to bother my guest, sir. I am the Iady of this inn. GIass of wine? No, no, no, no, no. No. Until my brother is dead, I have vowed to drink only my own wine. Though my friend in the stables might be glad of a drop. Your best room, perhaps? Of course. I'm sorry. I presumed that... Traveling alone, are you? I've just stabled my four black stallions and my carriage. Well, I say mine. It belonged to my Iate father. Thank you. That's so kind, thank you very much. My name's Tristan. What's yours? Bernard. There was not a horse or beast he could not master. So much so that in his youth, he took to riding a camel, which was comical. When he passed, the carriage came to me. She's got the stone! -She's got it! -She's got it! And it's the Iargest in all of Stormhold, so they say. How nice for you. If you'II excuse me. Wait. That stone you're wearing. It can't be. -Oh, finally. -Yeah, good, well done, yes, sir. -Well done. -Sweet. Come here. Let me see it. You have no idea what you're meddling with. I am Primus, the first born of Stormhold and I demand that you bring it to me! Bring me the stone! Now! Prince Primus! Don't touch anything they give you! They tried to... -Are you all right? -Billy! Get him! The burning golden heart of a star at peace is so much better than your frightened Iittle heart. Even so, better than no heart at all. Yvaine? Hold me tight and think of home. No! -What the hell did you do? -What did I do? What did you do? "Think of home!" That was a great plan! You thought of your home and I thought of mine and now we're halfway between the two! Oh, you stupid cow! What did you think of your home for? You just said "home"! If you wanted me to think of your home, you should have said! Some crazy Iady was going to cut your heart out and you wanted more specific instructions? Perhaps you'd Iike it in writing! Or a diagram, maybe! Look, Captain Shakespeare! Caught ourselves a Iittle bonus! A couple of Lightning Marshals! They don't Iook Iike Lightning Marshals to me. Why else would anyone be up here in the middle of a storm? "Why else would anyone be up here in the middle of a storm?" Well, Iet's think. Maybe for the same godforsaken reason we are! Now, who are you? Let's see if a night on our Iovely brig will Ioosen their Iips! -Get them in the brig! -You heard the man! Let's go! Get them into the brig and the rest of you dirty dogs, back to work! We've got Iightning to catch! Come on! -They're going to kill us, aren't they? -I don't know. You know, it's funny. I used to watch... I used to watch people having adventures. I envied them. You ever heard the expression, "Be careful what you wish for"? What? So ending up with my heart cut out, that'II serve me right, will it? No. No, I didn't... I didn't mean it Iike that. Look, I admire you dreaming. Shop boy Iike me, I could never have imagined an adventure this big in order to have wished for it. I just thought I'd find some Iump of celestial rock and take it home, and that would be it. And you got me. If there's one thing I've Iearned in all my years watching Earth, it's that people aren't what they may seem. There are shop boys and there are boys who just happen to work in shops for the time being. And trust me, Tristan, you're no shop boy. You saved my Iife. Thank you. Well, well, well. The Iast brother dead. Which means that I'm king. I'm king! Not yet, brother. Damn. I still need the stone. -Your brother doesn't have it? -Well, why don't you find out? Where is my stone? I don't... The man, see, your brother... I heard him speak of a stone. Yeah. The girl had it. The girl had it. -What girl? -I don't know. A girl. She got away. Because this was a trap set up for her, but your brother, he come just straight into it. A trap? Set by who? A woman you should pray you'II never meet. She's... She's gone. She took your brother's carriage. This woman wanted my stone? No. She wanted the girl's heart. She said the girl was a star and she wanted to cut out her heart and... Eat it? Oh, my God. Do you have any idea what this means? Everlasting Iife. King forever. It's not here, sire. This idiot's coming with us. -Ask again. -We have asked again and the answer is still the same. She is airborne! Well, she can't remain so forever. Inform me as soon as she touches ground! Immediately! Do you understand? Watch your tongue, sister! It is you and not we who've Iost her. Lost her and broken the knife! Even if you apprehend her, how will you complete the deed? Perhaps you should return now and one of us set out in your place. Don't be absurd. I'II bring her home and deal with her there. Be sure everything is ready for our arrival. Tell me about Victoria then. Well, she... There's nothing more to tell you. Because the Iittle I know about Iove is that it's unconditional. It's not something you can buy. Hang on. This wasn't about me buying her Iove. This was a way for me to prove how I felt. And what's she doing to prove how she feels about you? Well... Look, Yvaine, you'II understand when you meet her. AII right? Provided we don't get murdered by pirates first. Murdered by pirates. Heart torn out and eaten. Meet Victoria. I can't quite decide which sounds more fun. We've Iocated the sky vessel. It's headed north for the port town on Mount Drummond and you are no Ionger the only one seeking the star. There's someone following your tracks! A witch? A warlock? A prince and he's catching you up! Get a move on! So, this is the part where you tell me who you are and why you're up here. Or I'II snap her pretty Iittle fingers one by one Iike dry twigs! My name is Tristan Thorn. -This is my wife, Yvaine. -Your wife? Far too young and radiant to belong to just one man! It's share and share alike aboard my vessel, sonny boy! If you dare even touch her... You may think you're showing a Iittle spirit in front of your Iady friend, but if you talk back to me again, I'II feed your tongue to the dogs, you impertinent Iittle pup! -Sir? -Better! But still interrupting. Let's see. A hanging's always good for morale! Maybe we'II watch you dance a gallows jig! Or perhaps I'II just tip you over the side and have done with it! It's a very Iong way down. PIenty of time to reminisce about your pitifully short Iives. PIease, Iook, we're just trying to make our way home, back to a place called Wall, where I come from. What did you say? I said we were trying to get home to Wall. That's one Iie too many, my son. -Wall? -Shut up. What's he saying? Thought you could just wander onto my patch, did you? -He is. Yeah, he's gonna... -And Iive to tell the tale? AII right, go, on the deck, on the deck, on the deck! Now, go, go, go! Big mistake, Mr. Thorn! And the Iast one you'II ever make! -No! No! You brute! -Come... Come on! -You murderer! You pig! -Come on! Get up! Get up! I'm taking the girl to my cabin, and mark my words, anyone who disturbs me for the next few hours -will get the same treatment! -What? You'II... No, you idiot! I'II sling you over the side as well! Oh, yeah. Captain's busy. So should you be. Get in there, wench! So, that went well, I thought. Now, tell me news of my beloved England. I want to hear absolutely everything. Hang on. I can't believe your crew fell for that. And where in God's name did you get that mannequin from? Oh, it works every time. An ounce of bargaining, a pinch of trickery, a soupcon of intimidation, et voila! The perfect recipe for a towering reputation without ever having to spill one drop of blood. Ever try to get blood stains out of a silk shirt? Nightmare. Right. I still don't understand how they won't recognize me. Tristan, dear boy, when I'm done, your own mother won't recognize you. Now, we've no time to waste. We have only two hours before we make port. First and foremost... It'II be so good to see you out of those dreary clothes. So very small-town errand-boy. Howlingly parochial. Here. Tres you. I wore it as a younger man. I hate to throw anything away. You know the day you do, it'II come back in fashion, be oh, so de la mode- Now, you, darling. I have some Iovely dresses. Take your pick. Oh, no, really, I'm fine. Honey, you're wearing a bathrobe. Now, England, England. I want to hear everything. -You're not from England. -Oh, no, sadly, no. But from my earliest youth, I Iapped up the stories. People always told me they were nothing more than folklore, but my heart told me they were true. As a boy, I'd scurry away from my father at the market while he did his deals just to peek over the wall, dream of, perhaps, crossing it one day, seeing England for myself. Really? So you... You were here Iooking over there. Oh, yes. -Hair. -Hair? Mind you, I did my best to fit in. Tried to make my father, Captain Ghostmaker, proud. Forged a decent reputation as a ruthless marauder and cold-blooded killer. But my father died. I always promised him I'd take over the family business, keep the old girl flying. You have no idea the Iightness it brings to my heart being able to confide in you charming young people. The pressure of maintaining the whole Captain Shakespeare persona for the sake of the crew, I don't know. Sometimes... You see, I'm very much a man of my own creation. Even chose the name specially. Took me ages. See, I'm thinking Iegendary British wordsmith. My enemies and crew are thinking, "Shake! Spear!" It's Iittle things Iike that make me happy. I don't understand that. Surely it would make you happier just to be yourself. Why fight to be accepted by people you don't actually want to be Iike? Yeah. Why would anyone do that to himself? Exactly. Port ahoy! Ready the Iightning barrels! Hurry up. Yeah. Doesn't seem very fresh. I'II be honest. Shall I give you a Iittle taste, young Ferdinand? No, no. Oh, there you go. Brilliant. Like they're cheap. I think it's still crackling, very much alive, still tres fresh. -So, name your best price. -For 10,000 bolts? Ten thousand bolts of finest quality grade A. Yeah, but it's difficult to shift, isn't it? Difficult to store. If I get the Revenue Men in here sniffing round, what's the... Best price, 150 guineas. Gentlemen, put the merchandise back onboard and prepare to sail. Gentlemen, put the merchandise back onboard and prepare to sail. -Whoa, whoa, whoa. -Ferdinand, always a pleasure. Hold on. Hold on. One minute. Hold on, cuddles. -Oh, he's... -One-sixty. One-sixty. Seeing as I'm feeling particularly generous today, I'II settle for 200. Two hundred? Okay. You're having a Iaugh. Have you had your head in that? Has he been sailing up where the air's too thin? -You're being very rude. -Not anymore. -Two hundred. -One-eighty. -Two hundred. -That's not negotiation. I'm changing my number. One-eight-five. -Did I hear 200? -From you, you did. Yeah. -You said 200. -If I did, you're a ventriloquist. Okay, one-nine-five. Final offer. One-nine-five it is. So, with sales tax, that's, Iet's see, 200. Brilliant. Put it in the back. Unbelievable. Here. Yes? Can I help you? Nosy. Have you heard any of these rumors going round about a fallen star? Everyone's talking about it. You get your hands on one of them, we can shut up shop. Retire. -Fallen star? -Yeah. -Nothing on your travels? -No. Not even a Iittle sniff of a whisper? Everyone's going on about it down at the market. Which market? The market near the wall? Yeah. Well, Ferdy, you're wasting your time Iistening to gossip from the kind of pond scum trading down there. -Well, if it... -Oh, my word! Speak of the devil. Oh, yeah? What were you saying, then? Oh, what a wonderful woman you are, Sal. How the world wouldn't be the same place without you. You Iook great. You've had your feet done, haven't you? But, you two, you have business to attend to. Sal. Ferdy. Good day. Come on. I've got something new for you. Captain Shakespeare. Stand down! Meet my nephew, the fearsome buccaneer, Tristan Thorn. He'II be joining us for our journey home. I have the perfect gift to keep you amused on the way. Oh... Right, you Iazy dogs! Let's get young Tristan on his way home! Touche. I'm impressed. Yvaine, I know what you are. No, no. Have no fear. No one on this vessel will harm you, but there are plenty who would. Your emotions give you away, Yvaine. You must Iearn to control them. You've been glowing more brightly every day, and I think you know why. Of course I know why I'm glowing. I'm a star. -And what do stars do best? -Well, it's certainly not the waltz. -Now try. -Okay. -See? -Very good. Due west, you say? And you're certain he had a girl with him? Yeah. You're sure? Absolutely sure? Sure you're not Iying? I'd cross my heart if I had one. -Brilliant. -You'd better be telling the truth, you two-faced dog. I can get you one of them, actually. Very good guard dogs. They can watch the back and the front door at the same time. I can get you anything you want. What are the chances of getting a Babylon candle? That one's slim. AIthough, I did know a girl once, if you know what I mean... I'm a Iadies' man. ...who had a sister... I think it was a woman. Oh, she was terrible. Face Iike a bag of frogs. Ugly frogs. Enough. Hold on tight! The Captain's at the helm! So there's the road you'II need for Wall. Good Iuck on your journey home, Yvaine, wherever that may be. And good Iuck to you, Tristan, with your Victoria. Oh, how can we ever thank you enough for your kindness? Don't mention it. No, seriously, don't mention it. Reputations, you know. A Iifetime to build, seconds to destroy. Oh, and Tristan, just remember... Just think about it. Well, give my regards to England. It's been a pleasure to meet you both. Mind you don't wear that wench out, Captain Tristan! What did he say to you? What did he say when? Just then. When he whispered to you. No... No, he... He was just saying we should use the Iightning to get you a Babylon candle. Barter for it, you know. For the Iast time, where is the girl? The girl with the stone! Where did she go? -Are you mocking me? -No... 'Cause if you are, believe me, you have seconds to Iive! What a freak. CIean this thoroughly. Bollocks. If you have quite finished squandering your magic on your rather counterproductive beauty routine, you might Iike to know that the star has returned. She's back on Iand. I know, damn it. I couldn't reach the Iake in time. No matter. We have found her. She is on the road to the village of Wall. If you take the shortcut across the marshes, you should arrive in time to intercept her. Yvaine. -Are you trying to break my Ieg again? -I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just... I can't risk people seeing you. I don't trust anyone. But at this rate, if we keep stopping... Yvaine. We're making good time. Just Ieave it a minute. Aren't you tempted? Tempted? By what? Immortality. Let's say it wasn't my heart. Not me. Just a star you didn't know. You seriously think I could kill anyone? I mean, even if I could... Everlasting Iife? I imagine it would be kind of Ionely. Well, maybe if you had someone to share it with. Someone you Iove. Maybe then it might be different. Come on, I think we're safe. Now remember, Captain Shakespeare has a fearsome reputation. -What the hell is this? -What are you doing here? My name is Prince Septimus. And you're going to tell me where I can find the girl. AII right, twinkletoes. I'm gonna count to three. One, two... You know, you sort of glitter sometimes. I just noticed it. Is it normal? Let's see if you can work it out for yourself. What do stars do? Attract trouble? That's... AII right, I'm sorry. Wait, I'm sorry. AII right, Iet me... Let me... Do I get another guess? Is it... Do they know exactly how to annoy a boy called Tristan Thorn? -How Iong will that take? -Maybe two days. But we don't have two days. Victoria's birthday is tomorrow. Yes, it is. Well remembered. -Nice cup of Earl Grey. -Get out, everybody. Get out. Did he hurt you, Captain? Did you tell him where your nephew and the girl went? So what's the problem? It's my reputation. No. No, no. Don't be silly. Nonsense. It's all right, Captain. We always knew you were a whoopsie. -You'II always be our captain, Captain. -Aye, aye, Captain. Captain. Yeah. Let's go, Iet's go. Prince Septimus, your men, they're dead. Oh, really? Go on! I met that woman. She's friends with the Captain. He said she trades at the market near Wall. -We could hitch a Iift. -Really? She's a friend of the Captain's? -You sure? -Yes, yes. Wait! Sorry! My name is Tristan Thorn. This... That's my flower. Eighteen years I've been Iooking for that. Give it to me now! How dare you? That was a gift from his mother! Oh. Perhaps I was mistaken. It's all right. It's obviously very valuable to you, so you can have it in exchange for what I need. -A Babylon candle? -And safe passage to the wall. A Babylon candle? Oh, no, no, no. I don't deal in black magic. Really? Well, can you give us a Iift then? To the wall? Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? For that flower, I can offer you passage. -Food and Iodging on the way? -Safe passage. I swear that you will arrive at the wall in the exact same condition that you're in now. Do you have any idea what manner of thing it was that you had? Some kind of Iucky charm? A very Iucky charm indeed. Protection. In fact, the exact same thing that would've prevented me from doing this. -Oh, my God! What did you do? -Much better. You shall not see the star, touch it, smell or hear it- Though I'II keep me word. You shall not be harmed. There. Food and Iodging just as I promised. Would I be correct in thinking that you can neither see nor hear me? Then I'd Iike to tell you that you smell of pee. You Iook Iike the wrong end of a dog. And I swear, if I don't get my Tristan back as he was, I'II be your personal poltergeist! Tristan? If you can understand me, Iook at me now. You know when I said I knew Iittle about Iove? Well, that wasn't true. I know a Iot about Iove. I've seen it. I've seen centuries and centuries of it. And it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. AII those wars. Pain and Iies. Hate. Made me want to turn away and never Iook down again. But to see the way that mankind Ioves. I mean, you could search the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So, yes, I know that Iove is unconditional. But I also know it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and, well, strangely easy to mistake for Ioathing. And what I'm trying to say, Tristan, is I think I Iove you. My heart, it feels Iike my chest can barely contain it. Like it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange. No gifts, no goods, no demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you Iove me, too. Just your heart in exchange for mine. The wall is one mile that way. There. Though the walk might take you a Iittle Ionger than normal. Transformation tends to Ieave the brain a bit scrambled for a while. You... Oh! I warned you. Save your strength. I've been so worried about you. Victoria. I think I preferred "Mother." Come on. There's an inn over there. Victoria's birthday's not till tomorrow. I think you need a bath and a good night's sleep before you present me to her. Come on. Come. -Come on, Tristan. It's not that far. -Okay. -Excuse me? -Oh! -I think you're in my bath. -Well, close your eyes! I'm not... Honestly, I'm not Iooking. Here, I'II turn away. AII right, you can open them now. Did you really mean what you said in the caravan? What I... But... But you were a mouse! You were a mouse! You wanted cheese! You didn't... I asked you to give me a sign. And risk you being too embarrassed to keep saying such Iovely things? You want to know what the Captain really whispered to me that day? He told me that my true Iove was right in front of my eyes. And he was right. Hey, guys! Guys, come on! Come on, you got to come up and see this! No, thank you. -Pervert! -Suit yourself. -Ironic, isn't it? -Yeah. What is? Septimus will be here by the morning, find the girl, get the stone and be king forever. So unjust. Still, at Ieast we will be free. You're very close. She's in the market town. One mile from the gap in the wall. You speak as if this is good news. Do I need to remind you that Wall is not part of our universe? If she crosses the threshold into the human realm, our star becomes nothing more than a pitted Iump of metallic rock. Then I suggest you hurry up! What? Oh, what do you want? Sorry. Can I have a piece of paper and a pen? Ask me again at a more reasonable hour. No, I can't. I have to go. Look, if my friend wakes up before I get back, -please, can you give her a message? -Go on. You know, that's the first time I've ever slept at night. I can't believe it. Tristan? Have you seen my friend? He Ieft absurdly early. He Ieft? He told me to tell you he's gone to see Victoria because he's sorry, but he's found his true Iove and he wants to spend the rest of his Iife with her. What? -Are you sure? -I'm positive. Hey! Hey, wait! Wait! Happy birthday. Tristan. What happened to you? I found the star. I can't believe you did it. Where's my star? Can I see it? -Is it beautiful? -Yes. Well, it's awfully small. Well, that's just a Iittle piece. A token for your birthday. Well... Well, then forget about the star. It's not the star that I want. You know what I want. Yeah. I do. You want to grow up and get over yourself. -Humphrey. -Thorn. You must have a death wish. Humphrey. Humphrey, it's all right. She's all yours. You really are a perfect couple. The best of Iuck to you both. Well, why would I want this? It's just a measly handful of stardust! Yvaine? She can't cross the wall. Go on! Stop! Stop! If you go through there, you'II die! What? If you set foot on human soil, you'II turn to rock. Wretched slattern! Where have you taken me? PIanning to enter Wall, were you? If death is what you wish, my dear, I'd be more than happy to assist you. Are you talking to me? You. Small world. Anyhow, no, I wasn't. I was talking to the star. What star? My slave girl's no star. Any fool can see that. If she was, I'd have had the heart out of her chest a Iong time ago, trust me. Trust you? Not a mistake I'd be Iikely to make again. What's it to be, Ditchwater Sal? Heads or tails? -Oh, God. Time to go. -She's not going anywhere. I think you'II find she is. It's all right. You can come, too. You can ride in the carriage or be dragged behind it. Your choice. What happened? Be my guest. I quit. Eighty years I've stopped you people going out. What I should have been worrying about was those people from the other side coming in. AII right, just tell me what happened! What happened? Oh, where to start? No! Come on! Go on! The star! And who else? A slave for us. It will be nice to have someone to help mop up when we've finished with our Iittle guest. Oh, good work, sister. And just in time, I see! You Iook awful! Who are you? What business do you have here? Septimus? I knew your brother, Primus. Unless you wish to meet him in the afterlife, I suggest you answer my question. What are you doing here? I might ask you the same thing. There are four of them. Do as I say and we may stand a chance. Wait. How do I know you can be trusted? You don't. Why? Do you have a choice? -No. -Well, then, Iet's go. Get off me! Get off! -Una? -Septimus. -Una! -Sister! Tristan! No! Tristan! I'm your... I'm your... I'm your mother. I'm your mother. -Rather well. -Good riddance to you. Yes. Oh! Let's put out those flames. Shall we? So, what happens now? We have to Iearn to Iive with each other. Forever? Let's get on with it. Be the man that I know you are. -Get outside. -Okay. Go. -Tristan! -Get him. Get off! Get out! So, what's it to be, Prince Charming? Frog or tadpole? Septimus? Tristan! Youth. Beauty. It all seems meaningless now. My sisters are dead! Everything I cared about gone. Go. Go! No! I owe you thanks, boy. What use was her heart to me when it was broken? And you got rid of my sisters and now I can have it all for myself. -Hold me tight and close your eyes. -What? Why? What do stars do? Shine. -Bravo! -Yeah! Very good. Why didn't you do that earlier? I couldn't have done that without you. No star can shine with a broken heart. I thought I'd Iost you. But you came back. Of course I did. I Iove you. Come on. Tristan. The Iast surviving male heir of the Stormhold bloodline. It's you, Tristan. But if he's the new King of Stormhold, then... I crown thee King Tristan of Stormhold. Yeah! My gift to you. To you both. Thank you. They ruled for 80 years- But no man can live forever, except he who possesses the heart of a star- And Yvaine had given hers to Tristan completely- When their children and grandchildren were grown, it was time to light the Babylon candle- And they still live happily ever after-