Spin the Bottle

TEASER:

RECAP:

ANGEL (V.O.) Previously on Angel:

1    INT. HOTEL / ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Cordelia, wearing a white robe, has a blank look on her face.

CORDELIA Who am I?

FRED (V.O.) I think you might have some kind of amnesia.

Cut to:

2    EXT. RANDOM STREET IN LOS ANGELES - NIGHT Cordelia has just successfully fought off a vampire. Connor and Cordelia share a celebratory hug. He spins her around.

Cut to:

3    INT. ATTIC AT NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM - NIGHT Cordelia is folding her clothes and putting them away on an industrial shelving unit that's already there in the attic. Connor walks up behind her, puts his arms around her waist and his head on her shoulder where they're almost cheek to cheek.

Cut to:

4    INT. HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Lorne's lying in bed in a housecoat talking with Angel.

LORNE Cordelia shacking up with your hell-spawn—no offense.

Cut to:

5    INT. ATTIC AT NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM - NIGHT Connor's standing beside the bed where Cordelia's sitting.

CONNOR You're going back to him, aren't you?

Cut to:

6    INT. PROFESSOR SEIDEL'S OFFICE - DAY Fred starts flipping through the book, and there's something wrong. The pages are filled with strange symbols unrelated to science. She flips further into the book and sees a drawing of the exact same multi-headed snake monster that attacked her during her speech. Fred's face shows panic as she realizes the implications of her accidental discovery. Just then, she can hear the Professor heading back to the office. She hurriedly shoves the book back onto the shelf. When he enters the office again, Fred's face is one of sheer horror.

FRED (V.O.) It was Professor Seidel. He's the son of a bitch that sent me to Pylea.

Cut to:

7    INT. HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - DAY Angel and Gunn are doing research on Professor Seidel when Fred shows up.

GUNN He's gonna pay.

FRED He's gonna die.

Cut to:

8    EXT. WESLEY'S CAR ON THE STREET - NIGHT Fred is riding in the passenger seat, loading a crossbow. Wes is driving, watching her, concerned.

WESLEY You can still back out if you think Gunn's right.

FRED Charles doesn't have it in him. It's part of what I love about him.

Cut to:

9    INT. LAB OUTSIDE PROFESSOR SEIDEL'S OFFICE - NIGHT Fred still has a crossbow pointed at Professor Seidel, who's now standing against one of the lab desks. A portal has opened in the floor in front of the Professor, and it's sucking him in. He's clinging to the lab desk as Charles Gunn bursts into the lab.

GUNN Fred, no! If you kill him, I'm gonna lose you.

Gunn breaks the Professor's neck, and pushes him into the portal. It closes behind the Professor. Fred and Gunn stare at each other, trying to absorb what just happened.

ANGEL (comes out of the office into the lab) What happened to the professor?

GUNN It's taken care of.

Cut to:

10    EXT. GARDEN AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Cordelia and Angel sit on the edge of the little pond.

CORDELIA Were we in love?

Fade to black.

END RECAP.

The Start Of Episode

PROLOGUE:

11    INT. NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT Lorne's on stage sitting on a stool in front of a red curtain, singing into a handheld microphone. Beside him is an upright piano with a drink and a smoking ashtray sitting on top. Blue light shines on him.

LORNE (singing) Memories. Like the corner of my mind. (audience claps) Misty water-colored memories of the way we were. (talking) Ah, youth. Is there anything more magical? A time of first loves, great discoveries—let's face it: youth is it. It's a national obsession, crazy cats. But somewhere, people all forget what a mess youth is. It's a time of magic, all right, and there's nothing more unreliable or annoying than magic. Lemme tell ya a little story. It starts with a kid—

Cut to:

12    EXT. RANDOM ALLEY IN LOS ANGELES - NIGHT Connor's walking down the street, while angry metal music plays. He's flashing back to memories of him and Cordelia together: lying in bed together, his hand on her breast, hugging each other, kissing. Connor seems angry. The picture freeze frames.

LORNE (V.O.) No, actually, it really starts here:

Cut to:

13    EXT. GARDEN AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Angel and Cordelia are talking while sitting on the edge of a pond.

CORDELIA Were we in love?

ANGEL Hmm.

CORDELIA Were we?

ANGEL What?

CORDELIA In love?

ANGEL With each other?

CORDELIA Mister, if you start giving me the run-around—

ANGEL I'm not. (stands) I'm not.

CORDELIA Then tell me the truth!

ANGEL I don't know.

CORDELIA You don't know?

ANGEL Well, I'm not sure.

CORDELIA Now, I think that's the sort of thing I'd remember. Hey, maybe you wrote it down somewhere—a note on the fridge, maybe?

ANGEL I had feelings for you, and thought that maybe you—but you never told me. You asked me to meet you...to talk, and... I never saw you again.

CORDELIA And you think I wanted to meet you to tell you I was in love with you?

ANGEL I really don't think you're ready to be dealing with—

CORDELIA Or maybe I was gonna tell you to back off, buddy. (stands, walks toward him) Maybe you were coming on too strong—harassing me in the workplace. Maybe I had a red-hot restraining order in my mitts. (in his face) You ever think of that?

ANGEL I was never—in the workplace, I— Well, there was that one time with the—the ballet and the stripping and the roundness, but that was a spell. And-and we were meeting in Malibu on the bluffs at night. That's a pretty romantic restraining order!

CORDELIA Don't yell at me. You're yelling at me. (turns her back to him)

ANGEL I'm not. See, this is why I don't want to answer questions I don't have the answers for. (Cordy rolls her eyes) All I know is that you are my dearest friend. And I hope that—I just— I want that back. That much, at least.

CORDELIA (sighs) You have no idea how much this is killing me. (sits by pond) I know my ABC's, my history, I know who's President, and that I sorta wish I didn't. I know the name of every shoe store in the Beverly Center, but I don't— (sighs, starts to cry) I don't even recognize the sound of my own name.

ANGEL We'll get you back. No matter what. (sits beside her) I promise you, we will get you back.

LORNE (walks into the garden) What's all this "we", pale face? I'm the one out there doing all the leg-work—well, it's really more lap-work—'cause guess what just fell into it.

Lorne's holding a opaque ceramic bottle with a cork in the top.

CORDELIA What?

LORNE A memory spell—provided by one of my clients—that is guaranteed to bring our Cordy back to the way she was.

ANGEL Guaranteed?

LORNE No pain, no side-effects. I'm telling you, swingers, there's no way this can fail.

Cut to:

14    INT. NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT Resume narration. Lorne's talking into a microphone, spotlighted in blue light, sitting on a stage in front of red curtains. Various background sounds come from the audience.

LORNE So, I'm an idiot. What are you—perfect?

Fade to black.

Opening credits and title sequence.

ACT I:

15    INT. NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT Resume narration. Lorne's talking into a microphone, spotlighted in blue light, sitting on a stage in front of red curtains. Various background sounds come from the audience.

LORNE Well, the fact is, I had every reason to believe that the spell would work. And it did—after a fashion. (sips drink) Well, what happened during it and what came after... Ooh, I'm gonna need a bigger drink. But, now the spell was legit. Straight up. (extreme close up of Lorne's face) I had it off this wraith—sweet girl—not overly tangible—

Camera rotates around his face and transitions to the garden scene.

Cut to:

16    EXT. GARDEN AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Angel and Cordelia are talking while sitting on the edge of the pond, with Lorne talking to them.

LORNE —but she deals in memory spells professionally. Now she swears up and down that with the right mix, we can stop this talking and cut to the Cordelia Chase in two ticks of a... ticking thing.

ANGEL I don't know. Spells... I don't trust them.

CORDELIA And I don't care. (stands) I'm in.

ANGEL (stands) Cordy, I just—

CORDELIA I don't care. Pain, side effects, this thing turns me into a mousaka... I'm happy. As long as I can remember I'm a mousaka.

LORNE Don't even worry about it, princess. I've got all the ingredients lined up. As soon as we gather the six, we'll be good to go.

Lorne and Cordelia go into the hotel.

ANGEL The six what?

Cut to:

17    INT. WESLEY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT There's open boxes of weapons and ammunition on the floor. Wesley's practicing using a sophisticated new concealed weapon on his forearm that shoots stakes and has a collapsible sword-like blade. There's a man standing in his apartment, watching him.

WESLEY Tell Emil if it tests right in the field...(telephone rings) he'll be hearing from me again. (hands the man a stack of cash)

DELIVERY GUY Yeah. OK. He'll be thrilled. (leaves the apartment)

WESLEY (picks up phone) Pryce here. Yes. Lorne, I said yes. I'll be there right away. If it works, it's worth doing. All right. Is everything— Uh, is everyone there? No. No. I was just wondering if everything was all right with Fred.

Cut to:

18    INT. FRED AND GUNN'S ROOM AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Fred and Gunn are lying in bed awake, staring at the ceiling in silence. There's a knock on their door, and Fred goes to answer it. It's Angel.

FRED What do you want?

Cut to:

19    INT. LOBBY AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Lorne's painted a symbol on the floor of the lobby. The symbol painted in thick white strokes in the form of a two-foot diameter circle with six evenly spaced three-foot spokes coming off of it. He's placing bundles of magical supplies and candles in each section. Gunn and Fred walk down the stairs into the lobby.

GUNN Oh, good. Symbols on the floor. That's always good.

LORNE Check your sarcasm at the door, pouty britches. This is for Cordy.

GUNN I just don't want no portals opening up around here. I've had enough of that crap.

FRED Sorry, Lorne. We really have had a lot of that crap.

LORNE Yeah, well, my parade is rain-proofed, baby doll. My first reading since I got my head drilled, and I find the spell that's gonna bring our little Cordy right back to us. Lo-lath ch-owrng ne bruun.

FRED Kaya-no-m'tek.

Wesley comes through the front doors confused at what he hears.

WESLEY Did I miss the spell? Did English go away?

LORNE No, it's Pylean, crumpet. I said, "I may be prepared to shout a joyful chant."

Fred stares at Wesley, her eyes wide, seeming shocked to see Wesley here.

FRED And I said, "May your words please the gods."

WESLEY Are you all right? Did you...?

FRED (nervously) It's done.

As Fred and Wesley talk, Gunn watches from down the hall.

Cut to:

20    INT. NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT Resume narration. Lorne's talking into a microphone, spotlighted in blue light, sitting on a stage in front of red curtains. Various background sounds come from the audience.

LORNE OK, first of all, she didn't say, "May your words please the gods," so much as "May you orally please the gods," which is a slight... inflection's very crucial in our—oh, God bless her, it's always nice to hear the mother tongue—as long as it's not from my mother. Is this on? (taps mic)

Cut to:

21    INT. LOBBY AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT As Lorne narrates, show shots of each character as he describes them.

LORNE (V.O.) And secondly, I didn't know that a couple hours ago, Fred had tried to kill her evil Professor by opening a portal. Gunn didn't know that Wesley had helped her. And Wesley didn't know Gunn had killed the guy himself to save Fred from becoming a killer. And Fred didn't know that Gunn was right then figuring out that Wesley had helped her try.

Cut to:

22    INT. NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT Resume narration. Lorne's talking into a microphone, spotlighted in blue light, sitting on a stage in front of red curtains. Various background sounds come from the audience.

LORNE So, you can see, I didn't have all the facts when I started this. It's my job to read people, but nobody in this clan was exactly singing. And me? Hey, I was thinking about Cordelia.

Cut to:

23    INT. CORDY'S ROOM AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Angel's come to talk to Cordelia, who is just getting out of the shower, wrapped in an oversized pink bath towel.

ANGEL Hey!

CORDELIA Oh!

ANGEL Oh! Sorry.

CORDELIA I... wanted to clean up. Connor and I are not exactly staying at the Mondrian.

ANGEL How is he?

CORDELIA He's eighteen. He's a mess. (goes to her closet) There's a lot of pain in him. I think it helps, having me there.

ANGEL Good. That's good. We're almost ready. I'll be downstairs. (starts to leave)

CORDELIA So... (Angel stops at the door) you're perfectly OK with just wandering into my room any old time? That fits the "we were in love" theory and the harassment theory pretty much equally.

ANGEL Well... Hopefully that'll all be answered soon. (shuts her door)

Cut to:

24    INT. OFFICE AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT While Fred and Lorne are in the lobby preparing for the spell, Wesley walks into the office to look at the bottle Lorne got for the spell. Although Wesley didn't see him sitting there in the shadows, Gunn is waiting for him in the office.

GUNN So, I guess I'm the muscle, huh?

WESLEY Sorry?

GUNN Angel's the man on the card. It's his world. I'm not a leader no more. Don't got that champion's heart like Cordy. And the brains—that was you. So that leaves muscle.

WESLEY What about Fred?

GUNN Well, that's the question, isn't it? She's pretty brainy too. Maybe you two are kindred souls. Maybe that's why she went to you for help getting revenge on that Professor. Killing takes brains.

WESLEY I did what you weren't prepared to do.

GUNN (stands) You have no idea what I've—What I would do for her.

WESLEY Is there some reason I should need to know?

GUNN You think I don't smell this a mile off? You think I don't know why you keep coming back here?

WESLEY Because you keep needing my help.

GUNN (in his face) I'm gonna say this once: you move on Fred, and I'm gonna put you down hard.

WESLEY I'm glad to see you have such faith in your relationship.

GUNN Keep pushing, English.

WESLEY Do you think you could get out of my way? (puts up his right hand to push Gunn away)

GUNN (grabs Wes's hand) I don't know what—

WESLEY (a blade springs out of his forearm contraption) Not all of us have muscle to fall back on. (retracts blade and walks away)

GUNN What happened to you, man?

WESLEY (stops, turns) I had my throat cut and all my friends abandoned me. (leaves room)

Cut to:

25    INT. LOBBY AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT As Lorne conducts the spell, all six people are sitting on the floor, arranged around the symbol Lorne painted earlier. They're all holding hands, with candles lit in front of them. Clockwise from Lorne, it's Angel, Cordy, Gunn, Fred, and Wesley.

LORNE OK, eyes on the bottle. We come in supplication and hope. Bring her back.

The bottle starts to move, to dance around the center of the circle. Suddenly, magical amber light streams out of the bottle, and a stream heads for each person there. When the light stops, the bottle falls over and spins in the center of the circle.

CORDELIA What's going on?

LORNE I feel a little... (crawls away)

Everyone seems a little confused or entranced or buzzed. They break the circle. Lorne crawls behind the counter and passes out.

GUNN What's happening to us?

Angel goes outside. Inside, Fred's inspecting a houseplant.

FRED This is important. It's so beautiful... (pukes into the plant)

Gunn practices martial arts moves. Wes is still sitting where he was when they started.

WESLEY We'll just wait to see if there are any side effects. (giggles)

CORDELIA (paranoid, stands) What's happening? We can't just... we have to... No!

Codelia smashes the bottle with her foot. This seems to make the buzz go away for everyone.

CORDELIA OK. What the hell is goin' on here?

WESLEY What's your name?

CORDELIA I'm Cordelia Chase, dumbass. And if this is some sort of sophomore hazing prank where I get doped up and left with a bunch of proto-losers, then my parents are gonna be suing the entire population of Sunnydale. Comprendez?

GUNN What the hell are you talking about?

CORDELIA It's called kidnapping a minor, hair club for men. And if you think for a second I'm gonna be putting up with this, well, you don't know Cordelia— (Angel walks in the room) Cordelia... Hello, salty goodness.

Fade to black.

ACT II:

26    INT. LOBBY AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Resume. Cordy, Wes, Gunn, Fred, and now Angel are in the room talking, trying to figure out what happened.

WESLEY All right. Hang on. You're Cordelia Chase, you're a high school student, you live in Sunnydale?

CORDELIA Right.

WESLEY (to Gunn) So who are you?

GUNN I'm the guy that's gonna be kicking a whole mess of ass if somebody don't tell me what's going on.

CORDELIA What do they call you for short?

WESLEY Does anyone here recognize anyone?

Angel stays back near the door, not coming down the steps into the lobby. He crouches down, balancing on his tiptoes, hugging his chest.

FRED Um, I'm Fred Burkle. (to Cordelia) I'm also in school in San Anton.

CORDELIA Oh, we're both in school. Oh, gosh, let's be best friends so I can lose all my cool ones.

WESLEY There's no need to be snippety, Miss.

CORDELIA This is a clarion call for snippety, Princess Charles.

WESLEY It's Wesley, thank you. Wyndham-Pryce. (grabs his lapels, puffs up with pride) I am from the Watcher's Academy in southern Hampshire. In fact, I happen to be head boy.

CORDELIA Gee, I wonder how you earned that nickname.

WESLEY A lot of effort, I don't mind saying.

GUNN Gunn.

WESLEY (panics) Where?

GUNN Me. That's my name. The short version.

WESLEY Ah. What school do you attend?

Gunn rolls his eyes, and Cordelia scoffs.

CORDELIA (walks up to Angel) So, we've heard from the socially handi-capable. What's your story?

ANGEL Mad. (stands) You're all mad. These clothes. Your speech. This place. What land is this?

GUNN What land is it supposed to be?

WESLEY Yes, where do you hail from, friend?

ANGEL I'm not your friend, you English pig. We never wanted you in Ireland. We don't want you now.

GUNN You Irish?

CORDELIA You don't sound Irish?

ANGEL For most certain, I sound exactly— (holds hand to throat) Something wrong with my voice.

WESLEY Well, what's your name?

ANGEL Liam. (concerned, holds his throat again)

CORDELIA Great. We've all got names. (walks toward the door) Bye, now.

WESLEY I wouldn't be so quick, Miss Chase, to leave. Clearly, we're all victims of some nefarious scheme.

ANGEL (sitting on the stairs, muttering to himself) Liiiiiaaamm....

WESLEY (points to door) I'll lay odds that that door is bolted shut. And who knows what peril lies outside it.

ANGEL (sitting on the stairs, muttering to himself) English pig. English pig?

WESLEY Before we do anything, I suggest we gather as much information as we can.

ANGEL (sitting on the stairs) Liiiiiaaamm....

CORDELIA And I suggest we gather some cops.

GUNN Yo... I don't want no heat near me.

FRED I don't think we should call the police anyhow. I mean, they're probably involved.

GUNN In what?

FRED Don't y'all think this is some kind of government conspiracy? 'Cause my friend, Levon, says the government's always taking kids and experimentin' on 'em. Did anybody else have to take a personality disorder test recently? They ask you about politics and your bowel movements and if you want to be a florist—

CORDELIA OK. We've heard from Scarlet O'PleaseShutMeUp. Does anyone sane have a theory?

FRED There's conspiracies and stuff. Y'all don't even know...

GUNN I got no problem with the idea that the man is messing with us.

WESLEY The important thing is to start with the facts. We're all from different cities, we're all of an age... (rubs chin thoughtfully) Judging from the amount of facial hair I've grown, we've all been unconscious for at least a month.

CORDELIA (touches her short hairstyle) Oh, God. Oh, God. My hair. My hair. (crying) The government gave me bad hair.

FRED (goes to Cordelia) No, no, it's nice.

WESLEY (goes to Cordelia) Yes, it's, uh, just the thing.

CORDELIA Are you sure?

WESLEY It's...eh...very attractive. But a clue, nonetheless. Perhaps the whole point of this experiment is hair. (touches his chin stubble)

GUNN I vote he's not in charge.

ANGEL It's the devil. It's the devil.

CORDELIA (crying) My hair?

ANGEL My father said I was a sinner, that I'd come to a bad end. Now I've come to hell.

GUNN Well, hell's a lot nicer than my place.

WESLEY It appears to be some sort of hotel.

FRED Well, maybe it's Motel Hell. (giggles and snorts)

WESLEY Well, let's get the lay of the place.

GUNN Don't be giving me orders. I run my own crew.

WESLEY I'm sure your seafaring adventures are very interesting, but I have experience of things you couldn't imagine. I'm not head boy for nothing.

GUNN (in his face) You 'bout to be headless boy, you don't get out my face.

WESLEY Intimidation. Ha. Ha. Points for effort. Perhaps a little kar-ate technique will put you in your place.

Wesley does a pretty bad demonstration of karate martial arts. When he bends down his wrist, a dagger shoots out of his forearm. Wesley gasps and jumps back.

CORDELIA What the hell was that?

WESLEY A clue?

GUNN Was that a wooden stake you got?

WESLEY Apparently, yes. Which changes the scenario quite a bit.

FRED (tries karate moves of her own, inspects her hands) I didn't get one.

GUNN Nobody got one except English, here. Why's that?

WESLEY I don't know. I suggest we look about for weapons of some kind.

GUNN Yeah, that part works.

Fred and Gunn walk around to the back of the front counter. Fred screams. Wesley's concealed weapon starts going haywire: the sword comes out, but it's to unwieldy for him.

FRED Aah!

WESLEY Aah! (finally getting his weapon under control) All right. Nobody scream. Or touch my arms.

FRED Well, I think I found another clue.

GUNN She's not wrong.

CORDELIA OK, this is even less funny. What the hell is that?

They have found Lorne, who's passed out on the floor.

ANGEL I knew it. It's the devil.

FRED Why is the devil sleepy?

27    EXT. RANDOM ALLEY IN LOS ANGELES - NIGHT There's a fight going on in the alley. Hard rock music plays in the background. Connor's fighting two vampires, throwing them around, against the walls and ground.

VAMPIRE This ain't your business, kid.

CONNOR No... (beating the vampire up) this is my bad mood.

Connor jumps into the air and kicks both vampires in the face at once. One runs away, but the other can't escape. There's a woman standing nearby, watching the fight.

CONNOR This is my business. (stakes him) (to woman) Are you hurt?

WOMAN They were gonna kill me. Bastards.

CONNOR Well, you're safe now. (starts to walk away)

WOMAN Whoa. Whoa. Hey. (coming on to him) Baby, you saved my life. (touches his chest) Don't you want your reward. (leans in face to face) I can give you a nice reward.

CONNOR Uh...yeah, OK.

WOMAN You got 50 bucks?

CONNOR What for?

WOMAN You got nothing. (walks away)

CONNOR Wait. (grabs her arm) Hey, I saved you.

WOMAN You still don't ride free, junior. Why don't you run home to mama. Maybe she'll give you a special treat for being such a good boy.

Cut to:

28    INT. NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT Resume narration. Lorne's talking into a microphone, spotlighted in blue light, sitting on a stage in front of red curtains. Various background sounds come from the audience.

LORNE Classy girl. And poor Connor: engine revving and stuck in park. Yeah, well, enough about him. In the meanwhile, guess what I'm doing for fun.

Cut to:

29    INT. LOBBY AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Wesley is duct-taping Lorne to the lobby bench while Gunn and Cordelia look on.

GUNN I say we cut his head off.

WESLEY He may have information we need. When he wakes up—

GUNN When he wakes up, we don't even know if this tape is gonna hold him. I say we cut his damn head off.

WESLEY Thank you very much, Marie Antionette.

GUNN What'd you call me?

CORDELIA Hey. Hey, you two want to stop the homo-erotic buddy cop session long enough to explain this. Wooden stakes. A guy with horns. And neither of you seems that surprised when things just keep getting weirder.

Meanwhile, Fred and Angel have found the weapons cabinet. They open it and look inside.

FRED They really are. Have you got any weed?

WESLEY (overly dramatic) All right. I'm going to let you all in on something you may have trouble comprehending. I assure you that however—

GUNN Vampires are real.

WESLEY I was telling!

GUNN Vampires are all over L.A. I've been fighting 'em my whole life.

ANGEL That creature's a vampire?

GUNN No, I ain't never seen nothin' like that.

WESLEY I have. (raises hand) Oh. It's... a demon. Probably of the Karathmama...nyuhg family. You see? Some of us have slightly broader experience—

GUNN How do you kill it?

WESLEY Well, I know this breed is nocturnal and feeds on roots or possibly human effluvia, and, uh, it's a horned race—

Fred goes to look at Lorne up close.

GUNN So you know jack?

WESLEY They're nocturnal.

GUNN I'm gonna get me one of them axes.

WESLEY Hold on.

GUNN Hey! Don't matter what it is. It looks wrong, it dies. (walks away)

WESLEY (grabs Gunn's arm to stop him) Not 'til we find out— (Gunn grabs Wes's neck from behind) Oh, quit it! (Wes grabs Gunn's ear)

GUNN Oh, get off my—

WESLEY Watch the arm. Watch the arm!

CORDELIA Aren't you gonna get in there and stop them?

ANGEL It's about time the English got what's comin' to 'em. I'm rootin' for the slave.

Lorne's still unconscious, his head hanging limply down, and Fred's still inspecting him. She touches his horns. Then Lorne lifts his head and looks into the camera at the audience.

LORNE Ugh. I know I'm still unconscious during this part of the story, but... (gestures to the fight) can you believe these mooks? (hangs head limply again)

Cordelia breaks up the fight.

CORDELIA Enough, OK. If head cheese here has a theory, then let's hear it.

WESLEY There are stories at the Watcher's Academy of a test. A secret gauntlet which only the most cunning can survive. You're locked in a house with a vicious, deadly vampire, and you have to kill him before he kills you. It's been done in the past with slayers.

FRED Slayer? The band?

WESLEY No, it— The point is... this could be a test—the weapons, the maze-like locale, the innocent civilians, and the mysterious Karathmama...nyuhg demon. This is a test!

GUNN I ain't a civilian. I've been killing vamps since I was twelve.

WESLEY Which only supports my theory. You must be here in an advisory capacity.

GUNN I think I'm here in a "chop that green bitch's head off" capacity, and I don't give a damn about no test!

FRED (to Gunn) Are you always this grouchy?

GUNN Only when I wake up with a bunch of insane white folks trying to tell me what to do. The day I take orders from guys like you is the— day I—not even gonna happen.

CORDELIA Keep explaining why we're not walking out that door?

ANGEL Because they did something to us. They changed us.

CORDELIA You mean, this is about my hair?

FRED I sorta see his point. Not one of y'all looks exactly seventeen. It's like time's been pushed forward, like we missed a bunch of years.

Everyone's inspecting their bodies. Wes feels his bicep. Cordelia feels her breasts.

CORDELIA I kinda have filled out even more.

FRED And— (looks at her own chest) I apparently ain't gonna.

ANGEL I feel cold... inside.

CORDELIA This is so unfair! I'm a craggy 20-something? What about prom?!

GUNN Could be that demon put a whammy on us.

FRED So, you think, if we kill this vampire, they take off the spell whammy and we can go back to being ourselves?

CORDELIA And never see each other again?

WESLEY I believe we can all just go about our business.

CORDELIA And never see each other again?

GUNN Great. So we go vamp hunting. (goes to weapons cabinet to select an axe) This place looks pretty big. I say two groups.

CORDELIA Great. I'll go with tall, dark, and slightly less pathetic than you two here. We'll try the rooms.

Cordelia grabs a stake for herself and a sword for Angel from the weapons cabinet.

WESLEY We'll look downstairs, but remember, if you find the vampire, it is a vicious animal. Just try to draw it in toward us. Don't worry. We'll win this day, I assure you.

FRED I'm ready. I'm OK. Be cooler if we could score some weed, though.

Cut to:

30    INT. HALLWAY AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Cordelia is walking behind Angel down the hallway. She's got a stake in hand. They hear music coming from a radio in one of the rooms.

CORDELIA God, there's like a million rooms.

ANGEL (hears the radio, and goes in the room to investigate) Minstrels.

Angel pokes at the radio with his sword, looking at the box with interest. Cordelia presses the power button.

ANGEL How did—? You stopped the tiny men from singing.

CORDELIA You really are far from home, aren't you?

ANGEL (sits on bed) I tell ya, I get through this, I'm gonna have a great cup of ale—I don't care what father says it does to you.

CORDELIA (sits beside him) Maybe we should just sit tight and let the vampire experts deal with this thing. (rubs his back)

ANGEL Sorry for acting so... womanish.

CORDELIA Oh, you're no—(feels his bicep) really not womanish.

ANGEL You're very sweet.

CORDELIA You don't know the half of it. What is it about danger that makes—makes your blood just—

While Cordelia's talking about blood, Angel stares at her neck longingly. He vamps out momentarily, but returns to normal before Cordelia can see him.

CORDELIA What's wrong?

ANGEL Nothing. Excuse me.

Angel stands, and goes to the bathroom. He looks in the mirror and sees no reflection. He comes back into the bedroom, panicked.

ANGEL I'm invisible.

CORDELIA No, you're not.

ANGEL Oh. Excuse me.

Angel goes back into the bathroom and closes the door. He looks into the mirror again, but there's no reflection. He's worried. He vamps out and feels his bumpy forehead and fangs. Then he goes back to normal face again. Panicked, he starts exercising his vamping ability by going back and forth between vamp and normal face several times rapidly, rhythmically, going faster and faster like it's building up to something. Angel's making small grunting sounds and breathing hard.

CORDELIA (standing at the bathroom door) What's going on?

ANGEL (to Cordelia) Uh, I'm almost finished. (to himself) I'm a vampire. They're gonna kill me.

Fade to black.

ACT III:

31    INT. NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT Resume narration. Lorne's spotlighted in blue light, standing on a stage near the piano in front of red curtains. Various background sounds come from the audience.

LORNE Well, those were some exciting products. Am I right? (smokes cigarette, audience claps) Mmm. Let's all think about buying some of those. But if I can bring it down a moment. (takes off jacket, spotlight changes from blue to red) Is there anything worse than feeling like you're all alone?

While Lorne narrates, show Angel coming out of the bathroom. He and Cordelia leave the bedroom together.

LORNE (V.O.) Like you're the only person in the world who thinks the way you do, and if anyone else found out, they'd drive a pointy wooden thing through your heart? And as for our fearless vampire killers...

Cut to:

32    INT. KITCHEN AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Gunn, Fred and Wesley are walking around the kitchen. Fred's holding a wooden stake that's three feet long, made from a baseball bat whose heavy end has been cut to a point. She's got it hoisted over her shoulder like she's at-bat. Gunn's ahead of Fred and Wesley, who are closer together.

FRED I just don't think we should be rulin' out the idea of aliens. I mean, he is a greenish sorta fella. And his bein' asleep all that time. I mean, think about it a minute. (stops walking, turns to Wesley) They could have been doin' Heaven knows what. I can just see myself lying on a table—no clothes, no will—while they probed and explored and did whatever they wanted to my naked, helpless body. (Wes's dagger accidentally shoots out of his forearm) It's horrible.

WESLEY Horrible. Yes. But I assure you, this is demonic work. And they're not nearly so exploratory as— (pats her hand awkwardly) Don't be afraid.

GUNN Ain't nuttin here. 'S gettin' old.

WESLEY Well, let's not give up probe. (beat) Hope. Give up hope. We're not—

Gunn and Fred walk away.

Cut to:

33    INT. LOBBY AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Wesley's back in the lobby. He's inspecting Lorne, who's still passed out, more closely. Angel and Cordelia walk down the stairs into the lobby.

WESLEY Any luck?

ANGEL We saw no vampires of any kind anywhere.

WESLEY Did you check every room?

CORDELIA Only the ones that wanted turn-down service. There's five floors. My feet hurt. You finish.

GUNN It's a waste of time.

ANGEL (backs toward door) I agree. There's nothing here. This place is evil, and I think that I should leave now 'cause of evil.

WESLEY (runs after Angel) Don't be a fool!

ANGEL Good luck, all. (leaves through front door)

GUNN (polishing his axe) So, we're all locked in, huh?

CORDELIA Excuse me? Did I just get the brush off? Did a guy just bail on me? There really is some sort of horrible spell.

FRED Do you think Liam's OK out there?

GUNN If something's eating him, at least ain't as bored as me.

WESLEY Joke all you like. Liam, right now, may be facing horrors he's never even imagined.

Cut to:

34    EXT. HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Angel runs out to the street through the garden. He sees lots of traffic on the street, and is frightened by the loud noises of honking and the bright headlights and the speedy cars and trucks. He runs back toward the hotel through the garden.

Cut to:

35    INT. LOBBY AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Panicked, Angel comes in through the front doors and shuts them behind him.

FRED Liam!

ANGEL Demons?!

WESLEY Really? (to Gunn) Told you. (Gunn stands, axe ready) How many?

ANGEL Hundreds. Screaming.

FRED (hiding behind a column) Will they try to get in?

ANGEL Don't think they saw me.

FRED I guess you really better solve this puzzle and all.

WESLEY What type of demons, would you say?

ANGEL Shiny. (Wes, hiding behind column with Fred, looks confused)

CORDELIA (Angel sits by her) Yep, I still got it.

GUNN So, that means we gotta check the rest of the rooms? 'Cause I'm bored just saying it.

FRED Wouldn't the vampire be comin' after us anyhow? Aren't we vittles?

WESLEY And he should be starving, by rule. But I also happen to think that further searching would be pointless. I think the Council has been far cleverer than I imagined.

FRED Ooh. How?

GUNN Yes, speech, speech.

WESLEY Five people, each unknown to each other, far from home, trapped together at night— (Angel eyes Cordelia's neck as she listens intently to Wes) I submit that the blood-sucking fiend may be closer than we dared suspect. That it may be—

ANGEL (stands suddenly) I'll search the rooms.

WESLEY I was getting to the good part!

ANGEL But we can't just wait for the vampire to appear. I'll just flush him out—

WESLEY (jumping up and down) ...that it may be one of us.

CORDELIA Uh... you're kidding.

WESLEY Would that I were, Miss Chase, but the simple fact is... the fiend has been under our noses the entire time, waiting for the moment to... (takes cross out of his breast pocket, and puts it in Gunn's face) strike!

Gunn punches Wesley in the face, and Wes falls to the ground.

ANGEL See? (giggles) The English is stupid. Let's have a different theory.

WESLEY I'm not quite finished. I think it's only fair that everybody have a turn. The cross obviously doesn't affect me or our friend, (points to Gunn) the pugilist.

GUNN Oh, your ass better pray I don't look that word up.

Cordelia takes the cross and waves it around in front of her. She scoffs and tosses the cross to Fred. Fred scans her body with the cross like a security guard would with a metal detector/scanner at the airport. She hands the cross to Angel, who takes it in his hand. He holds onto the cross despite the fact it's starting to burn him; his hand smokes and he puts it by his side where it's difficult for the others to see.

ANGEL See. No vampire here. I'm just like the rest of you.

FRED Does anyone else here—?

ANGEL Look, the devil's awake.

Everyone goes to investigate Lorne. Angel tosses the cross over his shoulder.

WESLEY Don't get too close.

LORNE Ooh...Oh...Guys, hey, that was quite a whammy. A little trip through the transitive nightfall of diamonds, if you know what I mean. I certainly don't, but—

ANGEL He speaks madness.

LORNE Hey, here's a funny sidebar. (wriggles against restraints) I'm tied to a chair—again! What the hell's going on?

WESLEY We were hoping you would enlighten us, spawn of evil.

LORNE Oh, dear. I'm starting to suspect my surefire hit spell closed out of town. (whimpers) Did anything go right? Anything? Did Cordy at least get her memory back?

WESLEY (pointing at Lorne) Just tell us where the vampire is, fiend. (Angel stiffens up)

LORNE What are you talking about? There aren't any vampires here. (Angel relaxes) Well, I mean, except for our boy here.

ANGEL Uh, lying devil man.

LORNE Oh, like my spell made you not a vampire anymore. My magic isn't that—

ANGEL (punches Lorne hard in the head) Shut your mouth.

Freeze frame.

Cut to:

36    INT. NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT Resume narration. Lorne's talking into a microphone, spotlighted in blue light, sitting on a stage in front of red curtains. Various background sounds come from the audience.

LORNE Ow!

Cut to:

37    INT. LOBBY AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Resume. Unfreeze the frame. Lorne was punched so hard, it sent him and the chair he's tied to sliding across the floor. Gunn, wielding the battle-axe, pushes Fred behind him and out of the way. She wanders over to where Wesley and Cordelia are.

ANGEL It's not— He just—

WESLEY Well, our mystery solved.

GUNN Explains the lame-ass cover story about being Irish, too.

CORDELIA (to Wesley) Is this a convenient time to point out that you left me alone with him, genius?

ANGEL (between Wesley and Gunn now) Well, I-I never touched her.

CORDELIA So, clearly, deviant.

ANGEL I'm not.

WESLEY (trying to activate his forearm weapon) Vampires are all the same, my friend. There's nothing human about them. (a stake comes out, poised)

GUNN (holds axe menacingly) That's right. You ain't a person. Just dust waitin' to happen.

ANGEL I don't wanna hurt anyone.

FRED What do we do?

WESLEY Don't fear. It's under control.

FRED (grabs Wes's arm) Are you sure?

WESLEY (stake shoots out from his forearm) Sorry. I mean, ha!

The stake landed in Angel's side, but didn't dust him. Angel vamps out and starts fighting with Gunn. He wrestles the axe away from Gunn and throws him across the room. Angel turns toward Wes, Fred and Cordelia in vamp face. Cordelia goes to hide behind the chair Lorne's tied to. Fred cowers behind Wesley.

ANGEL You want a vampire, then? I guess I'm your man. I guess I'll start feeding on your corpses. Startin' with the girls. So, who's gonna be the first course? Hard to choose between you two girls—

CORDELIA (stands up from behind the chair) What do you mean, it's hard? (eyes widen) I mean, she's the tasty one. (points to Fred) Look at her. Half of her is neck. (Fred shrugs to hide her neck)

WESLEY (activates the sword part of his forearm weapon) Miss Chase, Miss Burkle, run.

Cordy and Fred run away, while Wesley charges toward Angel with his sword. Wes swings at Angel, but Angel just punches Wesley in the nose. He falls to the ground.

Cut to:

38    INT. STORAGE ROOM AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Cordelia's running away from Angel, trying to hide in a storage room behind some boxes.

ANGEL It baffles me. You liked me so much before, and now I can't even get a little kiss. I can see you.

Cordelia tries to make a run for it, but Angel catches her. He holds her in front of him by her upper arms.

ANGEL I seem to be strong, too, and fast. It's not so bad, this vampire thing.

CORDELIA Well, I've got a super power of my own, hot shot.

ANGEL What's that now?

She screams really loud. Angel back off a little, putting his hands up defensively.

ANGEL That really is inhuman. But what good do you really think that—

Connor comes into the room and knocks Angel across the room. Wesley follows Connor down the stairs into the storage room, but trips on the stairs and falls to the floor.

WESLEY Yes, that one— Kill that one, please!

Angel lunges at Connor, who throws him out the window. Angel lands a floor below, in the kitchen.

CORDELIA Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

CONNOR Why did he attack you?

CORDELIA Well, who wouldn't? (rubs his shoulder, eyes him sexily) Look, you're a wee bit chess club for my usual beat, but you kill that freak and you're getting a big reward.

CONNOR You mean it?

CORDELIA Hoo doggy!

Fade to black.

ACT IV:

39    INT. KITCHEN AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Connor goes to the hotel's kitchen to find where Angel landed. Angel swings at Connor and they start to fight.

ANGEL Think I'm a bit tired of being bullied.

Cut to:

40    INT. LOBBY AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Fred was hiding behind a curtain near the front desk of the lobby. When she thinks it's all clear, she tiptoes over to Gunn's side; he's passed out on the floor behind the front desk.

LORNE Um, sweetie?

FRED Huh?

LORNE Uh, can I take a minute of your time? We have a huge problem, but I can solve it.

FRED Why should I trust you?

LORNE 'Cause we're buddies, Freddikins. We did a spell—it went wrong, but we can make it right. Is the bottle still there, on the floor, in the circle?

FRED (crawls out from behind the counter to look) You mean those bitty bits of broken glass?

LORNE Oh, balls...Well, we can still do it. Maybe one at a time. You just gotta untie me first.

FRED I don't know.

LORNE Oh, Fred. Look into your heart. Am I evil?

Cut to:

41    INT. KITCHEN AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Angel and Connor are still fighting.

ANGEL You're stronger than the rest. Are you not a vampire yourself, then?

CONNOR You don't remember?

ANGEL I remember waking up here in this madhouse with that fine lot of hypocrites.

CONNOR Hypocrites.

ANGEL I'm supposed to be evil, but they attack me without cause. They gang up on me because I'm different. They're as bad as my father.

CONNOR Fathers. Don't they suck?

ANGEL Say one thing, then... "Be good. Fear God. Do as you're told." And the whole while I know good and well, he's had his share of sinning.

CONNOR Sounds kinda like my father.

ANGEL Is he a self-righteous bastard?

CONNOR You'd be amazed.

Connor goes for Angel, but Angel evades him.

CONNOR You're afraid to fight me?

ANGEL Truth to tell, I'm not much for fighting. I'd rather be satisfying my sinful urges with the Chase girl.

CONNOR You keep the hell away from her.

ANGEL Oh, the girl's yours, then?

CONNOR That's right.

ANGEL She never did mention you when we were alone togeth—

Connor grabs a cast iron skillet and throws it at Angel, hitting him in the head. They continue to fight.

Cut to:

42    INT. LOBBY AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Lorne's mixing up some potion in the lobby. Fred's there, eyes clinched shut, sticking out her tongue.

FRED (mumbled because her tongue's sticking out) Hurry up. I'm nervous.

LORNE OK. OK. (puts a drop of the potion on Fred's tongue with his finger)

FRED (makes a face) Oh, Lord.

LORNE Well, did it work?

Gunn's conscious now, coming at Lorne with a weapon.

FRED Wait!

Cut to:

43    INT. KITCHEN AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Angel and Connor continue to fight. Angel finally gets the upper hand when he flips Connor onto the floor, hurting his back momentarily.

CONNOR You happy now?

ANGEL I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be attacked. I didn't ask to be a freak. Hell, I didn't even ask to be born.

Angel walks away. Connor gets up off the floor and calls after him.

CONNOR Wait.

ANGEL What do you want? Another beating.

CONNOR Oh, I so almost had you.

ANGEL Ha. Not in a dream.

FRED (sticks her head through the broken window Angel fell through earlier) Hold it. Nobody kill anybody. Please?

Cut to:

44    INT. LOBBY AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Wes walks through the lobby, sullenly. Gun and Fred clean up, but no one speaks.

LORNE (split screen while lobby action is shown beside) (playing piano) So, all's well that ends well. Right, kiddies?

In the hotel lobby, Lorne is giving Cordelia her drop of potion while Angel and Connor look on. She makes a face and then runs out of the lobby.

LORNE (show Lorne at the piano) But since nothing ended all that well, I guess I gotta say that well, nothing was well. See, none of us knew it then, but the sequence of events was a little different than we thought. It went more like this:

In the hotel lobby, Lorne is giving Cordelia her drop of potion while Angel and Connor look on. She has a vision of a scary red-faced demon opening its eyes. She makes a face and then runs out of the lobby.

Cut to:

45    INT. NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT Resume narration. Lorne's sitting at the piano.

LORNE Well, it's been a long night. For everyone. (closes keyboard cover) I hope you've all enjoyed my little tale so much that you tip your waitresses with obnoxious abandon.

AUDIENCE MAN Finish it!

LORNE (stands) Always leave 'em wantin' more, kiddo. That's the rule. Anyway, I've got no more to tell. Applause, applause. I got a sea breeze that's gonna up and leave with someone else if I don't get to her soon. (puts on jacket) So you kids be good and go home. Hug your families while you can. And stay away fro the magic. Trust me.

Cut to:

46    INT. HALLWAY AT HOTEL/ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS - NIGHT Cordelia's walking away, but Angel's going after her.

ANGEL Cordy.

CORDELIA I can't. Angel, I-I'm sorry.

ANGEL You remember.

CORDELIA I remember all of it. All of it. And I have to be alone. Please? For a while. It's too... I— (walks away)

ANGEL (calls after her) Cordelia. (she turns around) Were we in love?

CORDELIA We were. (walks away)

Cut to:

47    INT. NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT Lorne's finished putting on his jacket, and he walks off the stage through the audience full of empty tables. There's no one there. He walks out of the club.

Cut to:

Closing credits.