Thanksgiving

THE BUS STATION

Eric: Laurie's bus isn't here yet. Dad, can we get in the car and turn on the heat? I'm freezing!

Red: I'm not wasting gas just so you can be comfortable.

Eric: Can we at least go wait inside?

Kitty: I'm not going in that bus station with those people!

Eric: God, I'm freezing!

Kitty: Oh Eric, I forgot to tell you. Your sister's bringing a friend home, so you'll be sleeping in the basement.

Eric: The basement? They should sleep in Laurie's room!

Kitty: Oh, and Red, I've been thinking. Maybe this Thanksgiving, we should skip the big turkey. Small ones are on sale at Piggly-Wiggly.

Red: This family doesn't scrimp on holidays. Can you imagine my mother sitting down to a chicken!

Kitty: Red, your mother won't eat my cooking anyway so that won't be a problem!

Eric: Dad, they should sleep in the basement!

Kitty: Red, last Thanksgiving, she said her jaw wasn't strong enough to chew the turkey. And that was a magnificent turkey!

Eric and Kitty start each arguing about their problems.

Red: Alright, that's it, hold it! Now Kitty, don't get worked up over my mother and you, you're sleeping in the basement! And we're all having a happy damn Thanksgiving!

Laurie and her friend, Kate come out of the bus station.

Laurie: Mommy, daddy, this is Kate!

Kitty: Hi!

Red: Hi sweetheart! Oh, let's get in the car, you must be freezing!

Kate: So, you're Eric. Your sister didn't tell me you were so cute! We are going to have so much fun this weekend!

Eric: Hey you can sleep in my room!

THE DRIVEWAY

Red: Get Kate settled into your room.

Eric: Yeah.

Laurie: Oh yeah and hey, don't forget to show her your G.I. Joe dolls!

Eric: That's such a good idea. That'll give you a chance to tell dad about that professor you're dating!

Red: What?

Laurie: Dad, he's joking.

KATE: Gosh, I hope it doesn't get too cold tonight. I sleep practically naked.

Midge comes over.

Midge: So Kitty, looking forward to Thanksgiving?

Kitty: Yes. Red's mother is coming.

Midge: What's that pet name she has for you?

Kitty: Whore. Oh, you know she doesn't bother me as much as she does Red, and he's tense enough with Christmas coming up and him only working part time.

Midge: Part time, huh? That's rough. Oh, when Bob gets tense, we take a bubble bath together. Sucking my naked body really relaxes him.

Kitty imagines a lathered up Bob. She snaps herself out of it.

Laurie: Mom, Grandma's on the phone!

Kitty: Oh, I gotta go!

OPENING CREDITS

THE HUB

Hyde: So this Kate, is she hot?

Kelso: Of course she's hot. All college girls are hot. I mean we've all seen the brochures, right?

Jackie: Okay, Donna, help me play some music, right now.

They both get up and go stand near the jukebox.

Hyde: So, she's hot.

Eric: Oh, so hot!

Jackie: Okay, are you okay?

Donna: Umm, yeah.

Jackie: Donna, how can you be okay? There's a college woman sleeping in his bed.

Donna: He's sleeping in the basement.

Jackie: Donna, stair are not going to stop a high school horn dog. Barbed wire will not stop a high school horn dog. A wall of fire will not…

Donna: Jackie, I get it, I get it.

Jackie: Poor Donna, so naïve!

They sit back.

Donna: So what do you guys wanna do?

Eric stares at the ketchup on his plate which has become Kate.

Kate: Eric, I hope it doesn't get too cold tonight. I sleep practically naked.

Kelso dips a fry in the ketchup and the fantasy stops.

Eric: Yeah, well, I guess I'm just gonna, just gonna, I'm tuckered out, so… I might as well go home !

He runs off.

THE FORMAN KITCHEN

Red: So, tell me about school.

Laurie: Oh, well, I've decided to major in philosophy.

Eric: That's good because they just opened up that big philosophy factory in Green bay.

Red: Eric, what did I tell you about being funny?

Eric: I'm, I'm not.

Red: That's right. Now, sweep the garage.

Eric: Yes sir.

Kitty:I wonder if the Pilgrims were clever enough to put peanut butter in their celery.

Phone rings.

Red: Kitty, could you get that? I'm fixing the drawer.

Kitty: Oh dear god. Your mother has already called me five times this morning Red. You answer it.

Red: Kitty, I don't wanna talk to her.

Kitty: She gave birth to you.

He answers.

Red: Hello, hi Ma. Really? It's for you.

He hands Kitty the phone.

Kitty: Hello mother Forman. Uhuh. Just like I told you, I don't know like a half hour ago, the kids will be there at noon to pick you up. Yup you're right. I need to work on my attitude. Bye then!

She hangs up on her.

Kitty: You know, I could've married Bill Bauer. His mother was dead.

THE DRIVEWAY

Bob: What if he yells at me?

Midge: "He's not going to yell at you! You're doing him a favor! Go! Go!

Bob: Red, what a surprise to run into you!

Red: I live here Bob. Okay, I'm going in.

Bob: I, actually, Red, I just wanted to ask you a favor. My appliance store gets real busy all over the holidays and I could use a little help down there.

Red: Oh, you're offering me a job.

Bob: Now, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. This is not charity.

Red: Charity.

Bob: No, not charity.

Red: I'm not looking for work anyway Bob.

Bob: But…

Red: Goodnight Bob.

Bob: Midge, he yelled at me!

ERIC'S BEDROOM

Kate is playing with Eric's G.I Joes. Somebody knocks on the door.

Kate: Come in!

Eric: Wow.

Kate: What?

Eric: Um, I was just coming up here to get something to sleep in. So, I, I guess I'l see you later.

Kate: You can stay and talk a minute if you want.

Eric: Okay.

Kate: Close the door.

Eric: Okay. So, Kate. That's short for Katherine, right?

Kate: Yeah, have a seat. So, have you thought about where you wanna go to school yet?

Eric: Oh. Well, I like your school. I found that it was really…

Kate kisses him. Eric starts pulling her down on the bed when she breaks the kiss.

Kate: I have to go to bed now.

Eric: Wait, we are in bed. Oh. Okay I see.

He starts getting up and he sits down again.

Eric: Okay.

Kate:So, goodnight.

Eric: Goodnight.

Kate: Eric.

Eric: Could just… one second…

Eric starts imagining things to cool down.

Eric, in his head: Okay, baseball, Vietnam, Richard Nixon, Pat Nixon, Pat Boone, the girl that gives the weather, no, no. Okay, jellyfish, really big spiders, come on, dig deep, dig deep, okay, the day we backed over Skipper in the driveway. Instead of going to the county fair, I had to bury him in the backyard.

Eric, out loud: Okay. I'm good and goodnight.

KITTY AND RED'S BEDROOM

Red is snoring lightly. Kitty pinches his nose and he wakes up, gasping for air.

Kitty: Good morning Red. Happy Thanksgiving.

Red: Well, you're up awful early.

Kitty: Well, luckily, I had the phone ring when your mother called at five o'clock this morning.

Red: Yeah, that - that is lucky.

Kitty: Oh, before I forget, Laurie told me what she wants for Christmas. A portable T.V. for her dorm room.

Red: I'm working part time, she wants a T.V. Great.

Kitty: Maybe Bob can get you a good deal on one from his store.

Red: I don't need any help from that damned Bob. You know what he did yesterday? He offered me a job.

Kitty: He did? Oh, we have to move away from such an evil man.

Red: Hell, you're a lot of fun in the morning!

Kitty: Hey, turkey boy, wanna show me your giblets?

They both start laughing.

THE BASEMENT

Fez: So you made out with a college girl?

Eric: Kinda.

Hyde: Start talking.

Kelso: Tell it like a story, like a sexy story.

Eric: Okay, she like jammed her entire tongue into my mouth and you wouldn't think a girl had like that much tongue.

Kelso: That is great!

Eric: Oh, oh yeah.

Eric looks kinda sad.

Hyde: What?

Eric: I don't know, I feel kinda guilty. Almost like dirty.

Kelso: Dirty is good.

Fez: I like feeling dirty.

Eric: No, no, I mean I feel bad. Look, I think I gotta tell Donna.

Hyde: Really, well, on behalf of men everywhere…

Hyde slaps Eric.

Kelso: Yeah man, the right thing to do is to juggle them both until it all blows up in your face.

Eric: Look, you guys don't understand. I can't hide anything. The minute she looks at me, she's gonna know.

Donna comes down the stairs.

Donna: Hey, what are you guys talking about?

Eric: I kissed a girl.

Hyde, Fez and Kelso get up, insulting him and leave.

Donna: You what?

Eric: You know that friend my sister brought home from college?

Donna: The slutty one.

Eric: Yeah, um, I kissed her.

Donna:Why are you telling me this?

Eric: I, I feel guilty because it was like really kissing.

Donna: So, what we do isn't really kissing?

Eric: I thought you should know considering that you and I have a thing. Right?

Donna: Well, obviously we don't have a thing if you're running around kissing slutty girls right?

Eric: Okay, you're mad.

Donna: Mad, no. Why should I be mad, in fact, you can kiss whatever you want. Start with your own butt!

Donna storms off.

FORMAN KITCHEN

Red: Why are you here? Why are you always here? It's Thanksgiving, don't you have families?

The guys: Ugh!

Donna passes them without even looking at them.

Hyde: Donna, you wanna talk?

Kelso: I guess Donna didn't take it very well.

Red: Take what well?

Red looks at Kelso.

Kelso: Eric made out with Kate.

Red: Anything else?

Fez: Your son is a whore!

They get out. Eric comes in.

Red: Eric, now Donna came through here looking very upset. Would you have any idea what that's about?

Eric: I have no idea. She seemed fine when we - um, you already know.

Red: Of course I know. Donna is such a sweet kid. How could you do this to her?

Eric: I don't know. It seems like bad things are always happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.

Red: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason that bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass. Now fix it!

PINCIOTTI'S KITCHEN

Donna and Midge are sitting at the table. Eric comes in.

Eric: Look, Donna, um, can we talk?

Midge: I'll leave you two alone.

Donna: No. You should stay. We don't have secrets in our house, we don't sneak on each other like a little horny rat, kissing other girls.

Eric: Look, Donna, please come to my house for Thanksgiving desert. Everyone's gonna be there, you always come. Please don't let some stupid thing that I did wreck that.

Donna: Well, I can't depend on you, so why should you be able to depend on me?

Eric: Look, Donna, please, okay, I'm really sorry, and I feel really bad.

Donna: Good!

Eric leaves and Donna slams the door shut behind him.

Midge: Poor thing!

Donna: Mom!

Midge: Oh you, of course I meant you!

FORMAN DINING ROOM

Red: Amen. Let's eat.

Kitty: Now, is everything on the table? I still feel like I forgot something.

Phone rings

Kitty: Oh my god, I forgot your mother! Go!

She runs to the kitchen and picks up the receiver.

Kitty, into receiver: Hello Mother Forman! No, I didn't forget you! Oh, I don't know, the Kids left a half hour ago to pick you up. I can't imagine what's keeping them.

Kitty hits on the table.

Kitty, to Red: Put that back.

Eric: The Toyota's blocking the car, I need the keys!

Kitty: Hold on one teeny tiny second. For the love of God, move!

Kitty, into receiver: Are you sure they're not there? Look out your window. Now, do you have your glasses on?

LATER

Eric and Laurie come back without Grandma.

Red: Where's your grandma?

Laurie: She's not coming. She said she's going to cousin Joe's for Thanksgiving.

Red:Ah, it's not so bad.

Laurie lights a cigarette and Red stubs it out.

Eric: Actually, she said it was a shame she couldn't spend what might be her last Thanksgiving with her family. But she does hope we all enjoy ourselves.

Kitty: Well, you know what? That's just fine. I don't need to kiss some old lady's A.S.S on my holiday. You heard what I spelled.

Phone rings.

Kitty: Forget it.

Phone keeps ringing. Eric begins getting up to answer and Red snaps his fingers for him to sit back.

FORMAN LIVING ROOM

Red and Bob are eating pie on the couch. Both end it, put their plates beside them, rub their stomach, put their feet up and open little bit their pants.

Red: So, you give an employees discount down there at your store?

Bob: Twenty percent.

Red: Does that cover anything like, oh, say, portable T.V.s?

Bob: Oh, heck yeah.

Red: Congratulations Bob, you just hired a man.

Bob: Good, I'm glad to hear it Red. You know you'll have to call me Mr. Pinciotti at work. Red looks at him, angry.

Bob: Oh, I got you good that time!

Eric: Hey Donna, I'm so glad you came.

Donna: Only came because my mom made me. Okay?

Hyde comes over with two plates of pie.

Hyde: Hey Donna, alright, good to see you! Got you some pie!

Donna: I don't want any stupid pie.

Donna gets up and leaves.

Hyde: What, I didn't kiss her!

Eric runs after her.

Hyde looks at the two plates of pie and goes to the couch.

Hyde: Hey there Bob, you wanna piece of pie?

Bob looks at it and unzips his pants more.

Bob: Oh yeah.

PINCIOTTI'S KITCHEN

Donna comes in, slams the door behind her and takes off her coat. She throws it on a chair. Eric comes in and heads towards the livingroom.

Eric: Hey Donna…

Donna: Hey, don't get all tough with me!

Eric: Oh yeah?

Donna: Yeah!

Eric: Okay, sure. No look, we need to talk.

Donna: I'll start, get out!

Eric: What do you want me to say? I already apologized. You just wanna forget about us because I kissed some girl?

Donna: Why did you do it?

Eric: Well, I have on pretty good authority that I'm a dumbass.

Donna: So, you liked it?

Eric: Yeah, I liked it.

Donna: No would've been a better answer.

Eric: Donna, look, that kiss was great and if I could take it back, I would because it's not worth ruining what you and I have.

Donna: Eric, you are a dumbass!

Eric: So is that like I forgive you dumbass, or get out of my house you dumbass.

Donna: Oh, I'll say the first one.

Eric gets closer to Donna and kisses her. The kiss grows stronger and Donna holds on to him. They break the kiss.

Donna: Wow! Tongue!

Eric: Oh yeah. Okay well, let's go to desert.

Donna sits down and Eric opens the door.

Donna: Just, um, one second…

Eric: Donna?

Donna: Just one minute.

Donna starts imagining stuff too.

Donna, inwardly: Silk sheets, Joe Nameth's butt, Strawberries, Slow dancing, Ugh the washing machine with an unbalanced load.

Donna, out loud: Well, I'm good!

THE END