Thorn in the Sidekick

Narrator: Just another perfectly normal day in the city. The sun is shining… the birds are singing... and a guy with a sandwich head is plotting crimes!

(Scene: Chuck the Evil Sandwich-Making Guy is sitting on a swing at the park playground, with Dodgeball girl on the swing next to him.)

Chuck: I just need to get my hands on THIS-- (gets up and looks at a ragged piece of paper) --the Emerald Sub! Once I have it, my sandwich powers will increase ten times over! Then I, Chuck the Evil Sandwich-Making Guy, will become UNSTOPPABLE!

(A glob of mustard hits him in the side of his head.)

Chuck: Hey! (wipes it off his goggles) Mustard?

(A strange looking man stands next to the hot dog vendor holding a carton of hot dogs. He is wearing a hat with bull horns, a purple mask, purple gloves and brown boots. He is holding a handful of exploded mustard packets, along with a handful of mustard.)

Whammer: You listen to me, mustard packets! If you don’t open right, you’ll get whammered, yeah!

Chuck: Uh, need a little help?

Whammer: These dogs need mustard-- YEAH!

Chuck: That’s a lot of hot dogs!

Whammer: Whammer needs fuel! YEAH!

Chuck: This is your lucky day! (Holds up his condiment ray) Do you like spicy, or yellow mustard?

Whammer: Yellow! YEAH!

(Chuck fires a blast of yellow mustard onto the hot dogs.)

Chuck: That should do it!

Whammer: Wham! That was totally WHAM! (He aims his fists at a nearby boulder and cracks it with a powerful shock wave)

Chuck: They don’t call me Chuck the Evil Sandwich-Making Guy for nothing!

Whammer: Wait a minute... Chuck the Sandwich--?

Chuck: Actually it’s--

Whammer: I heard of you! You’re totally WHAMMER!

Chuck: Oh, well, thanks! Is that-- a good thing?

Whammer: Listen, sandwich guy-- you helped the Whammer! Now the Whammer’s going to help YOU! The Whammer’s gonna be your  sidekick ! YEAH!

Chuck: Oh, um, I don’t know. I’m kind of a lone wolf.

Whammer: Together we’re gonna wham the city! YEAH!

Chuck: Uh, yeah, the thing is, I--I was just about to steal this Emerald Sub, so I don’t really need an--

(A stranger walks past Chuck and the Whammer. The Whammer grabs him and holds him by his ankles.)

Whammer: HEY! You mess with Chuck, you mess with the Whammer! And you get WHAMMED! YEAH!

Stranger: If you say so. (The Whammer drops him, then does a bodybuilder pose and walks off.)

Chuck: (to stranger) Sorry about that, I barely even know him. (groans)

Stranger: Whatever.

(Scene: WordGirl’s Secret Spaceship Hideout. WordGirl is going through boxes, doing some housecleaning.)

Narrator: Meanwhile…

WordGirl: I am just  exasperated  by all this junk! Do you still need these opera glasses?

(Huggy squeaks “yes.”)

WordGirl: Oh, I guess that’s true. You never know when an opera’s gonna break out.

(A light flashes on her computer panel. The monitor comes on, with Reginald crying for help.)

Reginald: WordGirl! A villain named the Whammer is destroying my jewelry store! Oh yes, and some guy with a sandwich head is here too. (A crash is heard) Please don’t touch that!

(Chuck moves Reginald out of the way, and speaks to the monitor.)

Chuck: First of all, we’re ROBBING the jewelry store, not destroying it! (Another crash is heard.) STOP THAT! And I also want to make it clear that I am in charge here! ME! Chuck the Evil Sandwich--

Whammer: (offscreen) I’m gonna wham something!

Chuck: What did I just say?

WordGirl: Who’s that again?

Chuck: That’s the Whammer. He’s my-- um, what’s the word, I just heard it a while ago…

WordGirl: Uh,  sidekick , yeah. It’s an assistant, someone who helps in adventures.

Whammer: (offscreen)  Sidekick ! YEAH!

Chuck: Right!  Sidekick ! He listens to my every command!

(The Whammer appears on the monitor, and pushes Chuck out of the way.)

Whammer: Is that WordGirl? HEY! It’s me, the Whammer! ‘Cause, when I wham something, I wham it good! Yeah! Whammer!

WordGirl: (looking confused) I have no idea what you just said.

Whammer: Oh yeah? Well come down here, and I’ll show you! Yeah! Wham! Yeah! WHA-A-A-AM! (The signal goes out.)

WordGirl: Let’s get over there, Huggy! Word UP! (flies off with Huggy)

(Scene: Back at the jewelry store. Reginald is hiding behind the counter while Chuck and the Whammer are talking.)

Chuck: Oh, Great! WordGirl is probably on her way here now!

Whammer: Hmm-- and when she gets here, she’ll get WHAMMED! YEAH!

Chuck: Whatever. Alright, so you watch out for WordGirl, and I’ll grab the Emerald Sub.

Whammer: You’re the boss! Yeah!

(Chuck approaches the display case containing the Emerald Sub. He tosses the glass cover aside and picks up the Sub.)

Chuck: At last, the Emerald Sub! Whoever holds it shall possess the power to--

WordGirl: Hold it right there-- the Whammer, was it?

Whammer: Yeah! The Whammer! And Chucky Bread-head! We’re gonna wham you guys but good! Yeah!

WordGirl: Wait. Chucky Bread-head?

Chuck: Yeah, that wasn’t even close.

Whammer: So, you’re the girl who said the Whammer couldn’t wham?

WordGirl: I-- don’t remember saying that!

Whammer: I’ll show you whammin’ !

(Chuck runs to the door, standing behind WordGirl and Huggy, and still holding the Emerald Sub.)

Chuck: W-w-wait! No!

(The Whammer raises his fists and sends a shock wave toward the door. WordGirl and Huggy are knocked out of the way, and the Emerald Sub flies out of Chuck’s hand. It flies toward the ceiling, then lands on the floor and smashes into small pieces.)

Chuck: Whammer!

Whammer: Sorry about that, boss. But, at least it went out with a wham!

WordGirl: A little  exasperated  with your  sidekick , Chuck?

Chuck: Um, maybe...

WordGirl: Well,  exasperated  means--

Chuck: Wait! If you’re about to define  exasperated , please don’t! I’m not in the mood.

WordGirl: Oh! Well-- uh, actually, that’s very funny, because that’s kind of what  exasperated  means! You’re angry and annoyed and just plain fed up. You’re  exasperated !

Whammer:  Exasperated ! YEAH!

Chuck: (to WordGirl) Great. Thanks. Why doesn’t anyone listen to me?

WordGirl: Aww, cheer up, Chuck! I can totally relate. I mean, Huggy is the greatest  sidekick  in the world, but sometimes he just does stuff that drives me up the wall!

(Huggy chatters at her sadly.)

WordGirl: Uh, I mean not always, but sometimes. Very little! Almost never! (Huggy folds his arms and looks away.)

Whammer: Enough talk! It’s time to-- Woo-woo-woo-WHAM!

(The shock wave knocks WordGirl and Huggy over once again.)

Whammer: (to Chuck) Let’s whammer out of here! YEAH!

Chuck: Well, I guess I should go too, since he’s my-- umm…

WordGIrl: (stumbling to her feet and holding her head)  Sidekick .

Chuck: Right.  Sidekick . (Walks out the door, then pokes his head back in) I’m sorry about the mess, everyone.

(Scene: Back in Chuck’s basement “lair”. Chuck is sitting on his couch, and the Whammer is standing and looking around.)

Whammer: This is your lair, boss? It’s not very whammer.

Chuck: What does that even mean?

Whammer: It just means that things need some whammin’ up around here

Chuck: No, no whamming in the lair! Listen, um-- we have to talk. We’ve been a team of sorts for like, oh, what, a few hours now?

Whammer: Yeah, it’s been whammer!

Chuck: Yeah, yeah, um, ok. You know how we robbed that store and didn’t actually get any money, jewels, or the ancient artifact that would have made me nearly invincible?!

Whammer: We whammered that store!

Chuck: Yeah, yeah, right. Well, but what I’m saying is that this has been really great having you as a  sidekick , but, um--

TV Announcer: We interrupt this television program to bring you a special report.

Stu Brisket: Just minutes ago, two villains-- the Whammer and some guy with a sandwich face, robbed a jewelry store, and destroyed the one-of-a-kind Emerald Sub! The jewelry store clerk says this would be tragic news if he didn’t discover a second Emerald Sub in the back room.

Reginald: Well, I wanted a glass of milk to help me calm down, and it was just sitting there in a tub of barbecue sauce. So you could imagine the mess. Not to mention I am allergic to barbecue sauce. So you could imagine the rash. (He turns toward the camera, revealing that the left side of his face is covered in a nasty rash.)

Chuck: I can’t believe it! Another Emerald Sub! We have to get it!

Stu Brisket: And, in seemingly unrelated news, two rare antique whammers will be on display at these two local antique stores. They may look like pillows, but I assure you they’re called whammers.

TV Announcer: And now, back to our program.

Whammer: Wh-- whammers?

Chuck: Alright, come on! We can go look at those pillows later! After we steal the Emerald--

Whammer: Whammers! (Puts his fists together and whams, making a hole in the side of the house.) Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! (The Whammer takes off down the street.)

Chuck: No! Wait! We can’t steal a whammer when there’s an all-powerful sandwich available! I mean, look at my head! (He walks through the opening.)

(Scene: Outside the jewelry store. WordGirl and Huggy are standing in outside the store.)

WordGirl: Boy, do you believe there’s a second Emerald Sub, Huggy? And did you notice how  exasperated  Chuck seemed with that new guy? I’d never be THAT  exasperated  by you!

(Huggy, still upset by her comments earlier, faces away from her and holds his hand up.)

WordGirl: No sir-ee!

Whammer: We’re comin’ to get you, whammers!

WordGirl: Hey, it’s Chuck’s  sidekick , the Whammer!

Chuck: Wait! This is the store with the Emerald Sub! We could grab it quick and then go get the whammers! At least slow down!

WordGirl: And there goes Chuck! Ready to stop some bad guys,  sidekick ? (He still ignores her.) Oh, come on. Listen, Huggy. I’m really sorry. It was a silly thing to say. I never meant to hurt your feelings. You’re my best friend, and I couldn’t fight crime without you. Did I mention how great you look in that suit today? Now, are you ready to fight some crime? (Huggy gives her a thumbs up.) Well then, let’s go! (She takes off without him. He yells out at her. She comes back and picks him up.) I’m sorry. (takes off again)

(Scene: Antique store. Chuck comes through the door, out of breath.)

Narrator: Meanwhile, at an antique store…

Whammer: (holding up a cushion) We have it!

Chuck: That’s it? It’s just a pillow--

(The Whammer slaps him on the face repeatedly with the cushion.)

Whammer: Wham! Wham!

Chuck: Hey!

Whammer: Hey, it works! This is the greatest day of my life. (Hugs Chuck)

Chuck: Okay… (pats him on the arm)

Whammer: Hey! There’s another whammer across town! Let’s go, boss! Wham!

Chuck: But… the Emerald Sub… unstoppable!

(WordGirl and Huggy arrive.)

WordGirl: Hold it right there--

(The Whammer hits WordGirl and Huggy in the face with the cushion.)

Whammer: Wham, wham. (He runs out of the store.)

Chuck: Whammer, wait up!

WordGirl: Uh, did we just get beat by a pillow? (Her phone rings.) Hello?

Chuck: Oh, hey WordGirl. How’s it goin’?

WordGirl: Uh, fine-- Chuck?

Chuck: Yeah listen, I just called to um, see if you could guess what we’re gonna steal next?

WordGirl: The second Emerald Sub?

Chuck: No, although that’s what I’d be doing if I didn’t have a  sidekick ! We’re off to rob the second whammer pillow from an antique store across town. It’s Monique’s Antiques. If you take Main Street down to Broadway and--

(Scene: A little later, at the second antique store. Chuck is pacing outside.)

Chuck: Come on, where are they? WordGirl is never this late when I’m committing a crime! Did I say left on Broadway?

Whammer: Hey boss! Look what I got! Yeah! (Holds up another cushion)

Chuck: Right.

Whammer: Isn’t it totally whammer?

Chuck: Sure, sure, it’s-- whammer.

Whammer: Come on! Let’s go whammer some stuff! Yeah! Whammer!

(WordGirl and Huggy arrive.)

WordGirl: Forget it! Your whammer-ing days are over!

Chuck: Oh, thank goodness!-- I mean, WordGirl and Captain Huggy Face! What are you doing here?

WordGirl: You just called us!

Chuck: I guess you’re here to stop me and my  sidekick , the Whammer. But you’ll probably want to start with the Whammer!

Whammer: Yeah! Let’s take ‘em on whammers!

WordGirl: Huggy! Where are you going?

Whammer: Have a taste of my whammers! (throws the cushions at her, they hit her in the face)

WordGirl: What was that?

Whammer: Now that you’ve been softened up, time to WHAM!

(He shoots waves of energy at her, which she dodges.)

WordGirl: It’s pretty  exasperating .

(Huggy grabs a roll of tape from a barrel, and a woman cries out.)

Woman: Aaah! That tape is over 100 year old!

WordGirl: Now you have to face me AND the best  sidekick  ever in the history of the world!

Whammer: I can take you both out, YEAH, WHAMMER!

(He raises his fists, but Huggy lands on him and tapes his wrists together.)

WordGirl: Amazingly brilliant idea, Huggy! I never would have thought of that!

Whammer: Whammer-- can’t-- wham!

WordGirl: No more whammer-ing for you!

Whammer: Oh yeah? Well you forgot about my boss, Charlie Sandwich Face!

Chuck: My name is Chuck, the Evil Sandwich-Making Guy, okay? And you’re supposed to be my  sidekick ! You’re supposed to follow ME! Instead, I have to listen to you say WHAAAMER a million times! To be honest, I’m just  exasperated .

Whammer: Oh. I didn’t know you felt that way. Why didn’t you tell me all this before, boss?

Chuck: I tried to, but you wouldn’t listen!

Whammer: The Whammer listens! The Whammer whams listening! Yeah!

Chuck: You’re still doing it!

WordGirl: Alright, come on you two! Off to jail!

Chuck: Any chance I could get my own cell?

Whammer: Yeah, Chucky! We’re gonna be cellmates! Wham!

WordGirl: I’ll see what I can do.

Narrator: Looks like WordGirl and her trusty  sidekick  Captain Huggy Face have saved the city from the  exasperating  duo of Chuck and the Whammer! Tune in next time for another whamming episode of WordGirl! WHAM!