Anne Marie's Pride

(The sketch begins with Stretch Armstrong and his son in the backyard, looking up at a Frisbee on their house's roof.)

Stretch Jr.: Dad, could you reach the Frisbee for me?

Stretch Armstrong: [tries to stretch his arm, but is not able to] Uh... no! [accusing his son] You should have been more careful!

(We cut to Stretch Armstrong at the dinner table with his family.)

Stretch Armstrong: Pass the salt. [his wife and his son only stare at him in confusion, so he sighs in frustration] Please pass the salt.

(The other two just look at each other, and then we snap to Stretch Armstrong and his wife in their bed.)

Mrs. Armstrong: [relieved] Well, that was...good.

Stretch Armstrong: [still frustrated] Don't patronize me.

(The next shot is of a doctor's office, where Stretch Armstrong is questioning the doctor about his non-stretching powers.)

Stretch Armstrong: Doc, I've lost my stretching powers.

Doctor: Yes- well, that's no surprise. You're getting on in years, Stretch; your corn syrup has hardened.

Stretch Armstrong: [shocked] Oh, no!

Doctor: I'd recommend a full corn syrup transplant.

(The next scene is the exterior of an emergency room, where Stretch Armstrong, in a wheelchair, is pushed outside by a nurse, and his doctor awaits to tell him about the operation.)

Doctor: The transplant was a complete success, but you can't do anymore stretching until your stitches are healed.

(We cut back to the family at the dinner table.)

Mrs. Armstrong: [holding the salt shaker] Would you like the salt, dear?

Stretch Armstrong: [scoffs] I'll get the salt, and afterwards I'm getting that Frisbee off the roof and showing my wife a night she'll never forget!

Stretch Jr.: Eww!

(With that said, Stretch Armstrong stretches his left arm all the way across the table to get the salt, forgetting all about his stitches.)

Mrs. Armstrong: [trying to warn him] Honey, your stitches!

Stretch Armstrong: [panicked] My stitches?!

(The stitches pop apart, spraying corn syrup all over the place. He deflates as the corn syrup squirts out of his body.)

Stretch Armstrong: Remember me, as I once was... [his head droops on the back of the chair]

Mrs. Armstrong: [tearfully] Not my baby! [starts to cry]

Stretch Armstrong: [dying as he weakly says his last word] Stretchy....

Stretch Jr.: Daddy! [also starts to cry]

(A title card that says: "One Year Later" pops up, and then we snap to kitchen again, where Plastic Man has taken Stretch Armstrong's spot at the table.)

Plastic Man: [stretching his left arm] Who wants salt?

Stretch Jr.: [furious, pointing to him] You're not my real dad!

(He throws his plate of food on the wall and storms out, ending the sketch.)

Gary Coleman: (sitting behind a desk, talking to the camera) Hi, I'm Gary Coleman, and when I need $150 fast to get my power turned back on, I use Fast Cash Now.

Director: And cut! Great job, Gary.

Gary: Thanks. Speaking of cash, when do I get my paycheck for this gig?

Director: Paycheck? (walks up to the desk) Oh, sure. Here you go. (pulls Gary's paycheck out of his jacket and holds it up high, as Gary tries to grab it unsuccessfully) Take it. Just take it. Just take it, Gary. Just jump. (Gary starts jumping, but still has no luck) There you go. Just jump. Just get it. Come on. Get it. You can get it. (Gary stops) You can get it.

[Scene change to Gary in his old beat-up Jalopy at a traffic junction, as Emmanuel Lewis pulls up beside him in a fancy Porsche with three women.]

Emmanuel Lewis: Yo, Coleman, check out the new ride.

Gary: (sighs) Hi, Emmanuel.

Emmanuel: No no, I go by Many-Mo these days, as in "I don't know how many-mo hot bitches I could possibly fit into my new Porsche, bitch!" Later, 'tard! (drives off laughing once the light hits green, leaving Gary in the dust)

[Scene change, as Gary enters the nursing home to visit Conrad Bain, who is painting a picture.]

Conrad Bain: Oh, Gary, my boy. What brings you to the old nursing home?

Gary: Hi, Conrad. I'm having one hell of a crappy day.

Conrad: (lifts Gary up on his knee) Well, this should cheer you up.

Gary: (sees that the painting is of himself lying naked in a field of roses) Oh, my God.

Conrad: That reminds me, I got you a gift. (gives Gary a leprechaun outfit with matching hat)

Gary: A leprechaun outfit?

Conrad: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Try it on. It's ass-less. (Gary reacts)

''[Scene change to an angry Gary walking down the street. A football field is seen in the background.]''

Gary: I can't believe they towed my car! This day just gets worse and worse. (a football player shows up from out of nowhere and kicks Gary into the air, and Gary is killed when he lands on one of the bleachers in the football field, as a referee blows his whistle)

[Gary arrives at Heaven's Gates in an angel's robe with wings, but no halo.]

God: (voiceover) Gary, you haven't yet earned your halo. I'm going to send you back to Earth until you get it right.

Gary: What's my first assignment?

[Gary finds himself back in the nursing home, and wearing the leprechaun outfit, as Conrad sits in his wheelchair.]

Conrad: (surprised gasp) Oh, my prayers have been answered! (cracks a whip on Gary) Now, dance! (Gary starts doing the Riverdance)

''[We start with a red screen that has a filmstrip that says AT THE MOVIES WITH EBERT AND ROEPER on it in cursive writing. After a second, we fade to Roger Ebert sitting in a movie theater balcony.]''

Roger Ebert: Good evening; I'm Roger Ebert, and Roeper's out with a bad case of "Who gives a f**k?", so the guest host with me is director M. Night Shyamalan.

M. Night Shyamalan: (excited) What a twist!

Roger Ebert: (sarcastically) Yeah, what a twist. First up, there's a "three-quel" to the popular "Transporter" franchise.

[We cut to the inside of Frank Martin's car from the "Transporter" series with Miss Daisy (from "Driving Miss Daisy") sitting behind him, and the title TRANSPORTER 3 underneath.]

Miss Daisy: (impatient) I'm late for my Bridge game! I'm telling Boolie you're my worst driver yet!

Frank: Miss Daisy, the first rule when entering a man's car- (gets hit in the head by her purse)

Miss Daisy: Don't sass me, and stop that infernal ticking!

Frank:  Ticking? (looks out through the window at the bottom of the car and sees a bomb planted there) Hang on.

''[He pulls the gearshift into super speed mode, and Miss Daisy screams in fright and is tossed around as Frank starts to zoom the car. It breaks through a swinging gate and speeds to the top of a screw-shaped parking garage.]''

Miss Daisy: Oh, watch out! What are you doing?!

''[The car crashes through one of the top's fences and bounces off a trampoline (where two kids are playing on it and jump out of the way just in time). We cut back to in the car, where Miss Daisy is still being tossed around, and then back outside, where the car does several flips, zooms down a skiing hill, and flies through the air. Thinking quickly, Frank uses a cola can to flip the car upside-down.]''

Miss Daisy: Oh, look out! Look out!

[The car zooms toward a blimp, Frank throws the bomb onto its gondola, and the entire blimp blows up in a big explosion.]

Miss Daisy: Oh, no!

[But fortunately, the car dives back down to Earth and onto the road just in time.]

Miss Daisy: (now cheerful) Oh, Frank, (pats his shoulder) you're my best friend.

[We snap back to Ebert.]

Roger Ebert: Well, they were going to deliver a bomb one way or another. ''Thumbs down. ''(gives one as he says this)

M. Night Shyamalan: (circling with his hands) Lots of aerial twists!

Roger Ebert: Next up, Adam Sandler takes on another dramatic role as America's fourth president, James Madison.

[We snap to George Washington and Thomas Jefferson standing in front of the White House as Happy Gilmore, dressed as James Madison, tricycles over to them The title HAPPY MADISON is underneath.]

Thomas Jefferson: You suck, Madison!

''[Happy laughs and kicks Jefferson in the crotch, making him collapse to the ground in pain. Afraid of being kicked next, Washington runs off-screen. A second later, George Clinton walks into the shot and waves hello to us.]''

Ebert as Narrator: Rob Schneider plays double duty as vice president, George Clinton, [Clinton gets severe chest pains, falls backwards, and dies.] who died in office from a severe heart attack. [Clinton stands back up and waves hello again.] Rob Schneider returns as Elbridge Gerry, Madison's second vice president, [Clinton dies again.] who also died in office from a severe heart attack.

[We snap back to Ebert again.]

Roger Ebert: I wouldn't eat that movie if it was a sandwich. ''Thumbs down. ''(gives another one)

M. Night Shyamalan: (musing) Rob Schneider... what a twit!

Roger Ebert: The original Rudy was about a short-stout football player; Rudy 2 is about 90 minutes long.

''[The next shot shows a wrestling ring with two fighters (one of them being Rudy, who is being prepared by his manager, Fortune) sitting on the opposite ends. The title RUDY 2 is underneath as well.]''

Rudy: (ecstatic) I'm doing it, Fortune! I'm living my dream!

Fortune: Remember what I said- keep your hands up, and (makes punching motions) damn, damn, DAMN!

[The two wrestlers run to fight each other in the middle of the ring.]

Rudy: I'm doing it! I'm really doing it!

[However, the big wrestler punches him twice in the face, making his nose bleed.]

Fortune: Knock him out! That's good!

Rudy: I'm doing it!

[The big wrestler continues to punch Rudy's face, making it bleed more and bruising it.]

Fortune: Keep your guard up! Keep your guard up! You're doing it, son!

Rudy: I'm doing it!

[The big wrestler still punches Rudy's face, bruising it even more.]

Fortune: Yeah, yeah! Burn it, son! Burn it!

Rudy: (in slow motion) I'm doing it!

''[The big wrestler gives Rudy one last huge punch, making his upper teeth and his left eyeball pop out of his skull. We, once again, cut back to the two movie reviewers.]''

Roger Ebert: Rudy 2-ty: not fresh or fruity. (gives yet another thumbs down)

M. Night Shyamalan: What a fist!

[The next scene (with the title The Nightmare Before Hanukkah underneath) shows Jack Skellington opening up a menorah-shaped door on a tree to a Hanukkah-themed land.]

Jack S.: (walking up to a colonial house) What's this? (looks through one window to see a Pilgrim-like family sitting by a menorah on a table with the kids about to open their presents) What's ''this? ''There's magic in the air!

''[The boy opens up his present to reveal a pair of red socks, and he looks appalled at this. The girl also looks offended as she unwraps two blue candles for her present.]''

Jack S.: (now realizing how Hanukkah feels) Oh, wow. This sucks.

[We, yet again, snap back to the two movie reviewers.]

Roger Ebert: (agreeing with Jack S.) I couldn't agree more.

M. Night Shyamalan: Gefilte fish?!

''[Ebert just slaps his head at this comment, and Shyamalan looks at him, perhaps to ask about what he has just said. In the next shot (with the title SPEED 3 underneath as well), a school bus is driving on a highway overpass. Inside, Jack Traven is talking to a group of kids.]''

Jack T.: If this drops drops below 50 MPH, we're all going to die! (the children only cheer at this comment, making him slap his head in frustration) We are running out of gas!

''[The children start to sing "The Wheels on the Bus"; as they do so, the bus reaches the end of the road and falls to its demise. We then, once more, snap back to Ebert.]''

Roger Ebert: Stop the short bus; I want to get off. ''Thumbs down. ''(gives one last one)

M. Night Shyamalan: It was okay.

Roger Ebert: Finally, we'll look at one of next week's new releases. Liam Neeson reprises his Oscar-nominated role in "Schindler's List 2".

''[The final preview starts with three Nazis in a Nazi-style office studying a map on a desk with the movie's title underneath. A second later, Oskar Schindler kicks the door open.]''

Announcer: He's making a list; he's checking it twice!

''[As he says this, the two men on the desk's sides run over to fight him, but Schindler grabs their heads and bangs them together, knocking them to the floor. He then steps on both of their crotches, making them squirm in pain.]''

Announcer: He's going to find out who's Nazi...or nice!

''[The next part shows Schindler grabbing the man that sits at the desk (who looks very afraid), holding him over his head, throwing him onto the desk (breaking it into pieces and ripping the map in half), and doing a butt-stomp on him. In the last part, Schindler shoots wildly (with one gun in front of him, and the other behind his head) at several more Nazis while the camera does a revolving pan around him.]''

Announcer: Schindler's List 2: Schindler's PISSED!

[The sketch cuts back to the two reviewers for the final time.]

M. Night Shyamalan: What a list!

Roger Ebert: (sighs in exasperation) Why couldn't you come down with a case of "Who gives a f**k?"?

[The ending credits start after the final quote.]