The Guy




 * She's hunting again!




 * Self-protection mode.




 * Hm, I wonder what Carmen's defense mechanism is.




 * Ow! Oww!


 * Oh, of course.




 * No no no no! Hector's defense mechanism is—




 * —playing possum.


 * It's not working...


 * When I said you need to hunt for friends, that's not what I meant.


 * Yeah, you should have gone for the blowgun like I told you. More of an element of surprise.


 * Shh! Friend...




 * Why don't you just say hi...?




 * HI! I'M ANAIS!


 * HI! I'M JOSH! DO YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS?


 * YES! DO YOU MIND IF I DO A LITTLE HAPPY DANCE?


 * OF COURSE NOT! MIND IF I JOIN YOU?




 * SEE YOU FOR LUNCH!


 * OKAY! Did you see that? He wants to be my friend!


 * Great! How much did he charge you?


 * What?! Nothing!


 * Hmm...


 * That's weird.


 * Yeah. Must be after something. Did he...look like he needed a new kidney?


 * No. He just looked very happy.


 * Did he offer to pack your suitcase the next time you go to the airport?


 * Is he in some crazy wacko organization that worships crystals? Or a space frog?


 * There's nothing wrong with him! Why can't you be happy for me for just one minute?


 * Ah, you know the old saying: "He who befriends the oddest ball is the creepiest of them all."


 * ...That's not even a thing, I've never heard of it before.


 * That's because, "The saying that you never knew is the one that rings the most true."


 * Yeah, well, "He who only speaks in quotes often forgets to think for himself."


 * & : Hmm, no.


 * Doesn't work.


 * Yeah, it's only true if it rhymes.


 * "He's just a nice guy, not a frog, or a phony. You two always talk such a load of baloney."


 * That's it! ...wait, what?


 * Rude.




 * So, Josh, tell me more about yourself. Do you like school? Are you into music? Have you ever been to prison?


 * Yes, yes, and no. But not necessarily in that order.




 * Haha yeah, this is going so well I hate it...


 * What? Why?


 * Because if you like me there must be something wrong with you!


 * Well, to be honest, I do have trouble making friends.


 * Darn it! That's another thing we have in common.


 * But that's great, isn't it? We should hang out this weekend!


 * Yes, I genuinely look forward to it.




 * There's bound to be something wrong with him. Or is there something wrong with me?


 * Hey, it's not him or you! It's both of you.


 * Ugh, he's too perfect! There's gotta be something wrong with him...


 * Just say the word.


 * Do I have to?


 * Yeah, if you want us to find out what's wrong with him.


 * Can't you just help me?


 * Say it.


 * ...BRO SQUAD! ACTIVATE!


 * & : YEAAAAH!






 * I still don't get it.


 * It's simple. To know what a person's really like, just watch how he treats a waiter.


 * No, I mean, why is Darwin still doing that?




 * Aww. He just loves the Bro Squad stuff.


 * Quick, here he comes!




 * Hey! Thanks for coming.


 * Hello, my name is...uh...Ferzandelerp. I am from far away land. I be waiter of you today. Here's tap water for table of two. Oh, no, Ferzandelerp so sorry!


 * That's okay, I had thirsty feet.


 * You very funny. What is name of you?


 * Josh.


 * In my language, "Josh" means "toilet paper." Nice meet you.




 * This hello from other land. What you like order?


 * A milkshake.


 * Coming right up.




 * What is this?


 * A meatshake. Shake made of meat. You like?


 * No no, it's great.




 * How dare you?! This means great insult in my country!


 * Oh, I'm sorry! Which country are you from?


 * New Jersey.


 * Er... Can I get the check, please?




 * Here you go.




 * A-ha! This is where we see who you truly are! Dag nabbit. Not one word of complaint and he gave me a fifty percent tip!


 * Uh, I'm sorry but who are you?


 * My brother. I'm sorry, he's...really weird.




 * Oh.




 * Well. At least he's not that weird as that kid.


 * That's...my other brother.


 * Oh, okay. Any other weird family members I should know about?




 * But that's outrageous! This sandwich is nowhere near as big as advertised!


 * I'm sorry, sir, but it does say "not to scale."


 * Well I demand to see your manager.






 * Guys! Let's splay "Spot and Burn!"


 * What's that?


 * A good way to see how mean he really is.




 * Hello, my name is Heady McThunderdome. My head is so big that my inner voice has an echo, echo, echo... When I grow up, I want to be a solar eclipse. See? You spot someone, and then you rag on them. Like, um, Marvin over there!




 * My face is so wrinkly that it takes me an hour to pull an expression.


 * Hey, I heard that!




 * Your turn. This guy!


 * Uhh...


 * Come on! I'll help you. Howdy. I wear a giant hat to compensate for...?


 * ...the Sun?




 * ...What?


 * Okay. You can go.


 * What?


 * You're good. You can leave.


 * Huh?


 * Hm-hm. Hm-hm.




 * What now?


 * You don't know, do you? ...Yeah, he doesn't know.




 * How about we set up a situation that tempts him to commit a crime?


 * That's what I was gonna say! ...I wasn't.




 * Wait. What if we're wrong about him and he's a genuinely nice guy?


 * Yeah, what would that make us?




 * Yeah, we're in too deep down, we may as well keep digging and hope we find some dirt.




 * Can't you find a better hiding place?


 * Hold on, I've got this!




 * Oh, good job! That doesn't look suspicious at all!


 * Shh! Here he comes!




 * He didn't see it!


 * Draw his attention to it, make a wallet sound!




 * W A L L E T.




 * That's not the sound a wallet makes!


 * You do it then if you're so—




 * Actually that was really good.


 * Uh, guys?




 * Was that a trap? Are you trying to set me up? This is what you've been doing all week, isn't it? Trying to make me look bad, testing me.


 * Aaaand, you passed!




 * Anais, did you know about this?


 * The real question is this: when you think about it, can you truly know any— Yes, I asked them to do it.


 * Well, it was nice knowing you.


 * Eh, we've had worse goodbyes.


 * Not you, it was nice knowing her! It was horrible knowing you two.


 * Well! At least it can't get any worse, right?






 * Hey, sis. Listen. We've been thinking—


 * Yeah, I know. But thanks to you, I messed up a chance to make a friend. So, here I am!


 * No no, I meant— Y-You know, you can just put one side of the table upright and then play against that.


 * Yeah, but that wouldn't make you feel bad now, would it?




 * What do we do now?


 * There's only one solution.




 * We take some embarrassing photos of Josh, and blackmail him—


 * No, no, no! There must be other solutions. We just walk up to him and straight-up lie.




 * Josh, you need to give Anais another chance. It's her last wish. You see, she's suffering from—


 * No, that's equally wretched. I got it!




 * We kidnapped your pet snake and won't give it back until you agree to be Anais' friend.


 * But I don't have a pet snake.


 * Oh. In that case we broke into your house and removed a snake.


 * Okay...? Thanks?


 * You're welcome.




 * Maybe we're just gonna have to apologize.


 * Wait. Just one more!




 * And when I snap my fingers, you will be friends with Anais.


 * There's no way that's gonna work.


 * Oh. Bite me.




 * Okay. There's only one solution. We grovel.


 * Okay, let's nip this in the butt while there's still time!




 * Did...you just say "nip it in the butt?"


 * Yeah!


 * It's "nip in the bud," dude.


 * No? It's "nip it in the butt." Like a crab!


 * What? No, it's— You know what? Whatever.




 * Please, forgive Anais!


 * Please, guys, guys! You don't have to do that.


 * We don't?


 * No! If you're willing to go this far for your sister, she must really be worth it.




 * Everyone deserves a second chance. Well, everyone deserves a twelfth chance.


 * So...we're friends?


 * Sure. We're friends.




 * 'scuse me, what are you doing?


 * Measuring her up for her pod! They do take some time to build.


 * Pod?


 * Yeah, now she's my friend, she'll be cryogenically frozen with me until the year 4993, when our great and powerful leader Kratok will be finally hatched from his egg and rule us all. That's why we give him all our money—to help finish the construction of his graphene palace on System 26.


 * What?


 * Look, here's a picture of him.


 * That's...a frog?


 * Oh, silly me! That's his assistant, Maurice. This is Kratok.


 * As soon as it's not too early to tell you I told you so, do let me know.