Average Jeff

1 I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I live on Salem Lane in Aberdale, Arizona. My name is Jeff Randell. I'm in the 4th grade. I have my own set of tastes, and I like my things a certain way. Shower for eight minutes, brush teeth for two minutes. I stay on routine, on schedule. I'm not like everyone else. I'm particular. I'm special. Look, after today, things are gonna be different. We can still hang out. You just won't be able to understand everything I say now. Even though we won't be taking the same classes together, we're still in the same grade, and it doesn't - mean we can't be friends. - Uh-huh. Nothing's gonna change between us, except my life will be better. Everyone has their own path. - It's just mine has a higher trajectory. - Nuh-unh. Me and Sumo are on a trajectory, too. Okay, everyone. Let's quiet down. Okay, quiet, please. Okay, I'm sure you're all waiting to see the results of your placement test. Now, just remember, it doesn't matter if you're in the advanced group uh, quill group - or the, um, other, uh, group - Crayon. Right, crayon. So, everyone has their own path, their own learning style. Some people have different, you know, special world Ugh. Okay, look If you have a crayon on your page, you're with Ms. Shoop, and if you have a quill, you're with me. Mm-hmm. Mmm. Ohh. Aw, cool! We get to be crayon brothers! Yep. Still got it. All right. So, we're not starting our new groups until tomorrow, so today Ms. Baker, may I speak with you, please? - Uh, right now? - Yes, please. Right now. It's It's just that I mean, it's funny, really, and I didn't want to embarrass you in front of everyone, but you seem to have put me in the wrong group. See, this is a crayon card, not a quill card. It's okay, Mrs. Baker. We all make mistakes sometimes. Uh, no, Jeff. This is not a mistake. You tested into the crayon group. No, no, no, no, no. That can't be right. You probably got my test mixed up with someone else's. - This is a mix-up, right? - No, Jeff. This is your name. This This is your test right here. - I-I don't understand. - Oh, I thought you'd be happy. Don't you want to be with your friends? - Stop! Stop! - Oh, gross! No! I want my life to be better than theirs! Jeff, I want you to think about what you just said. According to Aristotle, active intellect can take any information and turn it into knowledge, whereas passive infil intellect takes it all for face value? - That's right, Breehn. - Not according to St. Thomas Aquinas. Oh, Chelsea. Ugh. "'I can't believe I was lucky enough to find all these delicious trees,' explained Tonya the tapir. Then Tonya ate all the leaves and berries she could. Yum, yum, yum. Tapirs love leaves. " - Ohhh. - Wow! Sumo, tapirs love leaves. - Uh, Jeff, what is this? - Open it. Uh, looks like $2, a pack of gum, and, oh, a moist towelette. It's all yours. I'm willing to negotiate a deal here. I'll retake the test as long as you make sure to re-evaluate. Mm-hmm. Everyone has their price, Jeff, but mine's a little higher than this. - Well, what is it? - Oh, I don't know. Find me a date with someone who's not a total creep? Deal! Wait! Jeff, I was just kidding! - Oh. - I'm sorry, Jeff. My hands are tied. This is a district initiative. Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not leaving until you put me in your class. Oh, come on, Jeff. What?! Am I not allowed to cry?! You got nothin'! - Come on, baby! - All right. Basically, we're learning about history and science. We're gonna stage a battle between the Vikings and the astronauts. It's a struggle as old as time. You just got to pick which team you're on. - This class is a travesty. - Yeah, it's pretty great. Hey, Jeff, you should join the astronauts! - They got eraser bombs! Ha! - Ugh! There's got to be a way to make this work! If I could just show her just show her I can do it! I could just I could go in, and then they'd know. They'd know I'm better better than those crayon kids. Uh who were you talking to? - No one? - Oh. Okay. Bye. Ohh! Oh, there you are, Jeff. Look, I know you're worried about fitting in with other crayons, but don't be. You were born to scribble. Now we're doing homemade yogurt. Which do you want green or brown? Well, Aristotle was an advocate of organized education. Agreed, but the problem is that school is inefficient. We should be focused on a self-directed learning model. And the only thing keeping us from that is our compliance with the system as it stands. Huh? Hmm? Ohh! Scooch over. - Uh - Jeff? Who, me? Yes, Ms. Baker? - Jeff, you know you're not in this class. - Hmm. What? No. Jeff, please leave my classroom. Well I-I think I'm okay. I'm good. Uh, I'm here. Let's talk about it. - Jeff, you need to leave! - Do I, or do I need to stay? I mean, come on we all know I need to. I'm part of this class. I'm a guy in this class, you know? - Uh we want Jeff! - Huh? We want Jeff! We want Jeff! We want Jeff! No, please! No! I belong in there! N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! Ugh. Ooh! Huh! - Ya-a-a-a-a-a-h! - Hey, Jeff, what are you doing? You're supposed to be handing out stickers to all the customers. You missed like three people, ding-dong. - A sticker and a smile, remember? - Ugh! What?! I-I don't work here! But you've always worked here. You don't have any other options. - Sti-i-i-cke-e-e-rs! - Aah! No! I do have options! You hear me? - I d-o-o-o-o-o! - Oh. Well, then, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Jeff and Ms. Shoop. Oh, hey, Jeff! Good! You're finally awake! Huh! Ugh! Guess what you missed. So, the Vikings split off into two groups the wolf Vikings and the dinosaur Vikings. Um, and the astronauts now they're the clown astronauts and some kind of lizards, I think. And there's this one kid who just keeps throwing books, so you're probably gonna want to look out for that. My name is Jeff Randell. I am a crayon, but not just an ordinary one. I am special. My test results have shown that I am perfect perfectly average. You know what that means? I may not be a quill, but I wish them the best, because they are flawed and I am not. Huh? Hey, look it's Jeff! - What's going on? - Oh, hi, Jeff. Oh, our little experiment failed. No more crayons, no more quills. A class-action lawsuit claims our test was gender-biased, so we're back to square one. - You can take your old seat. - Wow! Well, all right! Um, excuse me. This is my seat. You best keep on movin'.