Becoming Carmen Sandiego Part I

''A car engine revs. Tires screech.''

Chase: In just the last few weeks, this Carmen Sandiego has managed to rob millions of euros combined from a Swiss bank, a high-end art gallery in Cairo, and a Shanghai amusement park.

Julia: Before vanishing without a trace. Headquarters has yet to discern any pattern except that our perpetrator always wears a scarlet coat and fedora and seems to announce her crimes by making random public appearances beforehand.

Chase: Such as the nearby cafe sighting earlier today. So we must ask ourselves: Who in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Why would a thief draw attention to herself by leaving clues and wearing bold colors?

Julia: Perhaps stealing's a game to her.

Chase: Ha! The game is over. She is in my jurisdiction now, though I question why.

Julia: Poitiers is rich with medieval history. Perhaps she is targeting a priceless antique or historical artifact from one of its many churches, or--

Tires screech.

Chase: Ms. Argent, you are an agent of Interpol, not a museum guide. So you may stop sharing dull facts about boring things. You have been on the force merely a fortnight, have you not? You have so much to learn, and since you have been assigned to my department--

Julia: Um, uh--

Chase: --I, Chase Devineaux, will be your teacher.

Julia: Inspector Devineaux, Sir--

Chase: Nuh-uh-uh. Sit back, watch, and learn how to catch a thief.

Julia: She's right there!

Chase: Huh?

The whiz and click of Carmen's grappling hook.

Chase: La Femme Rouge!

''Tires screech and the engine revs. Suspenseful music plays.''

Chase: Remain here!

Car door slams closed.

Julia: And radio for assistance?

Chase: No! The Crimson Ghost is mine!

Carmen: On top of the world. I can see La Cathédrale Saint-Pierre from here.

A 'beep.'

Player: Friendly advice? Save the sight-seeing for after the job.

Carmen: Heh heh. Player, glad to hear you're on board.

Player: You know I wouldn't miss a night out with you for the world, Red. Let's get this party started.

''He cracks his knuckles, then begins to type rapidly. Digital sounds.''

Player: Virtual Paris sure looks lovely this time of year. Touring through France... locking onto your position over there in Poitiers... and, we're synced. If our intel is accurate, the next stop on your sight-seeing tour of historic Poitiers should be... 50 yards dead ahead.

''Sounds of Carmen running and jumping. Sneaky music starts to play.''

Carmen: How's my temperature?

Player: Warm, Red... Getting warmer... You're red-hot.

''Sounds of her grappling hook gripping and whirring. Computer sounds, Player typing.''

Player: Analyzing frequencies... Decrypting security codes... Alarm system disabled. But... I'm picking up another signal. Could be a trap.

Carmen: Let's find out.

Player: Watch your step, Red.

Carmen: "Watch... my... step."

''Sound of arrows firing at her. Sound of arrows hitting the shield.''

Carmen: Well this just became worth a whole lot less...

'' 'Whoosh' as Chase kicks open the door. Elevator creaking.''

Chase: Why must the elevator date back two centuries? Was no one ever in a hurry back then?

Carmen: Okay, who walls up an atrium?

She knocks on the wall.

Player: Anyone who values storage over natural light.

Carmen: He said a little too knowingly.

Player: Don't judge. I'm happy here in my dark little cave.

''Clicking. Wall moving.''

Carmen: You called it, Player. Right tool for the job... Ah, this works.

''Beep. Elevator continues to creak, then dings. Chase grunts after looking around, then dashes up the stairs.''

Player: Safe cracked.

''Parts moving. A lock clicks and the door opens.''

Carmen: The Eye of Vishnu.

She gasps.

Player: What is it, Red?

Carmen: I'm staring at something I thought I'd never, ever set eyes on again.

Player: It better be more valuable than a sparkly blue gemstone the size of my head.

Carmen: Define "valuable." They say beauty's in the eye of the beholder.

Player: Are you gonna tell me what it is, Red, or--

Knocking on the door.

Chase: Interpol! Open this door!

Player: Bag the gem and get out of there already!

Chase: I said, open up!

''He grunts as he slams his body into the doors, then breathes heavily. A chord plays as he sets eyes on Carmen, who tightens the drawstring of a bag.''

Chase: Stop! Thief!

''He yelps as she kicks a stool at him and jumps over him. Suspenseful music plays.''

Carmen: On whose authority?

Chase: On the authority of, uh...

Carmen: Inspector Chase Devineaux, Interpol. "Chase," huh? Hm! Let's see what's in a name.

''His ID card is thrown back to him. He growls in frustration. Sounds of her grappling hook.''

Chase: I order you to stop!

''Her footsteps halt. He continues toward her.''

Carmen: You didn't say for how long.

Chase: Ugh! It was implied!!

''He tries to chase after her, jumping and groaning. Rooftop tiles fall on top of his car, and Julia gasps.''

Carmen: Au revoir.

''The sound of her jumping, followed by the sound of her hang-glider opening. Julia and Chase both gasp. The rooftop cracks and he slides down, then falls face-first onto the car. Julia screams as the car alarm goes off. Julia takes the remote and turns it off.''

Julia: Did you just--

Chase: Never mind that! Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

An excerpt from the theme music plays.

Carmen: My train. I'm right on time.

Player: Like you ever aren't! Ticket purchased and... uploading.

Her phone beeps.

Julia: She has to land sometime. How far can she possibly get?

Chase: She is heading for the train station. Secure the crime scene! Deduce what was stolen.

''He drives away. Julia coughs from the car exhaust.''

''The train doors open. Chase's car halts as the train horn blares. He grunts and slams his fist on the dashboard, causing the broken windshield to fully shatter and the airbag to go off.''

The elevator in the museum creaks.

Julia: Inspector. Good news, I hope?

Chase: Ms. Argent... Julia... You're the smartest person I know, so tell me, please... is it possible for an automobile to catch a moving train? Driving aggressively, of course.

Julia: Well, I'm really not much of a math detective, but I suppose it depends upon how many stops the train makes and for how long at each.

Chase: Mm-hmm. Then perhaps I shall catch this Little Red Robbing Hood.

''Phone beeps. On the train, Carmen opens a door with the ticket on her phone.''

Carmen: First class. Sweet.

Player: My treat, Red. You earned it.

The door opens again.

Gray: Well, well.

His Crackle Rod whirs.

Gray: Blast from the past, eh?

''He fires it. Player's computer beeps as she goes off the grid.''

Player: Red! Carmen!

Carmen: Dude, seriously? Static cling?

Gray: Side effect of the directional EMP. So you can forget about reaching for your phone or fancy toys. They're dead.

Carmen: I know how an electromagnetic pulse works, Gray... You aren't the only one who passed Dr. Bellum's class. And you didn't really think I'd take any of your bait without checking for a tracking device... did you, Gray? That's right. I wanted you to find me. It's time we tied up loose ends.

Gray: You were the only loose end... until five seconds ago, when I captured the elusive Carmen Sandiego. Or should I call you "Black Sheep"?

Flashback.

Brunt: Welcome to V.I.L.E. Training Academy for Thieves. V. I. L. E. Valuable Imports, Lavish Exports. We traffic stolen goods to the four corners of the globe. You've each been hand-picked for our one-year program due to the extraordinary potential you've demonstrated. I am Coach Brunt, and these are my house rules. Rule number one: No contact with the outside world. That means no portable electronic devices allowed.

''She crushes a cell phone. Trainees gasp.''

Brunt: And rule number two: First names only until you get assigned your code name. Ain't that right, Lambkins?

Gray: "Lambkins"? Who knew V.I.LE. had a mascot?

''He laughs. She grabs him and yanks him back.''

Gray: Whoa!

Carmen: Only my friends call me "Lambkins." My code name's Black Sheep. Do you understand? Nod if you understand.

Gray: Uh-huh.

Back in the present, he laughs.

Gray: You really schooled me the day we met.

Carmen: I thought you should know who you were dealing with.

Gray: Well, it seems I still don't know. The slick red hat, the exotic new name... Who are you, really?

Carmen: A professional thief, just like you.

Gray: No, you weren't like the rest of us. How did you ever wind up in crime school?

Carmen: You want the whole story?

Gray: Your clock runs out when we reach Paris. Make it count.

Carmen: From what I've been told, I was found as a baby. Abandoned by the side of a road just outside Buenos Aires, Argentina. A set of Russian nesting dolls were my only belongings. I was brought to an island paradise... that just happened to be home to a school for thieves. That's right: V.I.L.E. Academy. It was no grade school, but I was home-schooled by a revolving door of nannies. Some taught me how to read and write, and most taught me about the diverse places they were from.

Young Carmen: Istanbul, not Constantinople!

Carmen: Their languages.

Young Carmen: Uh... ni hao!

Carmen: Their cultures.

Young Carmen: Olé!

Carmen: I was found without a note or any ID. So, guess who got their code name early?

Woman: Hey, Black Sheep.

Man: What's up, Black Sheep?

She holds up his belt.

Young Carmen: Not your pants!

Carmen: I got to hang out on campus with the big kids.

The floor squeaks as she skates across on soap bars.

Carmen: I was literally the only child on the Isle of V.I.L.E. Which meant I got away with murder.

Man on the phone: Requesting clearance.

''Beeping. He takes Cookie Booker's hand as she steps off the boat, only for a water balloon to land right in front of him, soaking him. Cookie gasps. Young Carmen laughs.''

Man: Why you...!

Young Carmen: Uh-oh.

He gives chase.

Carmen: Sure, the Campus of Crime was no place for children, but I never once felt like I was in danger.

She slips on a wet floor.

Carmen: I was part of the family. I had protection.

Brunt: Problem here?

''She grabs him from where he stands over Carmen, then punches him in the face, sending him flying. His cell phone drops from his pocket as he slides across the floor, and Carmen pockets it. It beeps as she taps the screen.''

Carmen: I never learned who found me as a baby.

Brunt: Oh, let's get you a cupcake, Sugar Pie.

Carmen: But I always suspected it was Coach Brunt. The island was my world. For all I knew, the Earth was square. There was no right or wrong. Thievery was a competition, a game.

Young Carmen dumps a handful of small buttons and the like from her largest matryoshka doll and puts the cell phone in instead.

Carmen: One I was ready to play for real. I couldn't bear watching 40 thieves graduate from the academy year after year. I wanted to get out there and be one of those thieves already!

''The cell phone starts to vibrate. Young Carmen falls out of her bed.''

Young Carmen: Whoa!

The matroyshka doll nearly falls over, but she catches it just in time.

Carmen: A white hat? "Better beef up your security. I got in." "Got in"? Where? Here?

''The phone rings. It beeps as she taps to answer it.''

Player: Hello?

Carmen: He... Hello?

Player: Who is this?

Carmen: Black Sheep.

Player: Come on, what's your real name?

Carmen: Black Sheep!

Player: Okay, usernames work. You can call me... Player.

Carmen: Do you really wear a white hat?

Player: Uh... why? You've never heard of "white hat hackers"?

Carmen: That's a thing?

Player: I have wicked hacking skills, but I use them for good.

Carmen: Okay, that doesn't even make sense.

Player: Sure it does. I just hacked through 27 layers of encryption. So who do I inform over there about the weak link so you can upgrade your security?

Carmen: Are you punking me? Where are you calling from?

Player: My room. In Niagara Falls.

She gasps.

Carmen: Seriously? Which side of the falls?

Player: Canadian.

Carmen: You're in Ontario?

Player: Whoa, you really know your geography.

Carmen: What's it like there?

Player: It's alright. We have computers, and internet, and... Hey, where in the world are you?

Carmen: School.

Player: What kind of school needs 27 layers of encryption?

Present Carmen: Making contact with someone from the outside world was just the push I needed. It was time to state my case to the only family I knew.

Maelstrom: Black Sheep, why have you requested our audience?

Carmen: I'm ready.

Maelstrom: To enroll?

Carmen: I know I'm not technically old enough, Professor Maelstrom, but I already have what it takes to be an awesome thief. Best ever! Um... in, in my opinion, Sir.

Bellum: Black Sheep may be young, but she has had more training at her age than any recruit, even if only by osmosis.

Brunt: Dr. Bellum is right. Lambsie's got gumption. I'd say she's ready to run with the big dogs.

Cleo: I, for one, am not thrilled with the notion of having to endure Black Sheep's lack of manners in a classroom setting. The girl is feral.

Maelstrom: Precisely why she might be overdue for properly supervised training, Countess Cleo. And you, Shadowsan?

Shadowsan: We are operating a vocational school, not a nursery school.

Bellum: But we've never met a case for advanced placement until now.

Brunt: And the last time I checked, majority vote rules.

Shadowsan: Black Sheep, you had better be certain that becoming a professional thief is what you truly desire. For if you choose this road, there will be no turning back.

Carmen: I want this more than anything, Instructor Shadowsan. And I am willing to go to the end of the line.

Maelstrom: All in favor?

''Four hands raise. Shadowsan, the only dissenting vote, walks away.''

Brunt, tearful: Our little lamb's gonna be all grown up!

Present Carmen: I was finally one of the big kids. One of the 40 thieves. I'd survived orientation, and I was ready to meet my future partners in crime: my roommates.

Carmen: Hi, I'm Black Sheep.

Topo: Hola. I am Antonio.

Chevre: Jean Paul. Bonjour.

Tigress: Sheena.

Carmen: You.

Present Gray: Feel free to skip ahead. I was there too, you know.

Present Carmen: Sure, Gray. You were there. But were you seeing things from my point of view?

Gray: Um... Black Sheep, was it? The name's Graham.

Tigress: Huh. This where you hide your pearls, little girl?

Carmen, firmly: Please don't touch my stuff.

Tigress: What? These?

Carmen: I said, keep your paws off.

Gray: Uh-uh. Play nice, Princess. We all have to room together.

Tigress: Hmph. Probably costume jewelry.

Present Carmen: First day of class, and I was already making friends... and enemies.

Carmen: So, what's your story, Gray?

Gray: I was working as a junior electrician at the Sydney Opera House.

Carmen: Australia! I knew it!

Gray: When, one day, a light bulb went off. I could make a far better living turning out the lights, stealing from the cover of darkness.

Carmen: Cool.

Gray: What about you, Kiddo? What's your story?

Carmen: Uh... Come on, Gray. Don't wanna be late for Stealth 101.

Shadowsan: Origami, the Japanese art of paper folding, is the surest means of perfecting a nimble touch. Essential for the successful picking of pockets.

Brunt: The first rule of self-defense: always protect the face. Unless you wanna be knocked out cold, or wind up with a mug like mine.

Carmen and Gray spar together.

Cleo: Pop quiz! One of these two vases is discount-store-grade garbage. And the other genuine Ming valued at 300,000 dollars. Which would you steal?

Bellum: My latest invention: the Crackle Rod. Settings can be adjusted here. EMP, stun mode, and so on.

Maelstrom: To properly execute a bait-and-switch, the objects should be of equal weight and size.

''He demonstrates with Tigress, who he bumps into, each carrying a briefcase. The one initially carried by her is full of money.''

Maelstrom: And there you have... the switch.

''She opens hers. It's full of bugs.''

Tigress: Oh, gross! What is this?

Maelstrom: That, my dear... would be the bait.

Outside.

Carmen: Player. School's been really awesome. I wish you were here!

Gray: Black Sheep! Come on, Mate!

Player: Who's that?

Carmen: Gray, from 'Down Under.' Heh. He's my best friend.

Player: Oh.

Carmen: My best school friend. A-Anyway, gotta run. I'm late for Infiltration 101.

Player: ...What kind of school do you go to, again?

Brunt: Stand tall, class. Today's goal: be the first to reach the target.

''Le Chevre scurries up the rock wall. Carmen waits, then uses the stilt-like device they were all given to catch up to him and reaches the target moments before he can. An alarm goes off.''

Present Carmen: We really honed our skills. We studied hard, and we trained hard.

''They're all descending, rope harnesses around their bodies. Carmen is laughing. Le Chevre screams.''

Present Carmen: But we also played hard.

Carmen: Here's the skinny. Every first of December, she arrives right on schedule. I'm talking about Cookie Booker, V.I.L.E.'s bookkeeper. See that thing she's holding? It's a hard drive, and it's loaded with classified information supplied by V.I.L.E. operatives all over the world. It's way too important to risk uploading from a remote location, so they make her do a hand-carry by boat to avoid radar detection. Take aim, and bring the rain.

''They throw water balloons at her. They plop. Cookie groans as she gets soaked. The students laugh as they run away, but they're stopped by two of the cleaners.''

Carmen: Vlad. Boris. Hiya. Hehe...

Carmen: i take full responsibility.

Shadowsan: Did I not tell you Black Sheep was immature? Impetuous? I recommend expulsion.

Brunt: Uh... Isn't that... [sigh] extreme?

Gray: Esteemed faculty, with due respect, Black Sheep isn't to blame. We egged her on.

Tigress: What!? No we didn't!

Brunt: We can't expel the whole herd of them, can we?

Tigress: Detention? What, are we in grade school?

Carmen: Heh... Thanks for having my back.

Tigress: I'm going to have your hide.

Gray: Hey, can we focus? These code names aren't naming themselves.

Topo: Ooh, I have one for you: Shocker.

Chevre: The Shocksmith?

Tigress: Lame.

Carmen: Power Failure.

Gray: Sorry, mates. Nothing quite has that crackle I'm looking for. [gasp] That's it! Get ready. Graham... Crackle.

Carmen: Dude, really?

Chevre: We are criminals! Who would take us seriously if we had puns for names?

Gray: Okay, I'll drop the 'Graham' part. I'm Crackle. Lights out, baby!

Chevre: Le Chevre. Like the nimble mountain goat, I take the high ground!

Topo: Like the burrowing mole, El Topo takes the low!

Tigress: I've earned my stripes. Call me Tigress.

Mime Bomb is pantomiming.

Gray: So... who's off to clown college?

Chevre: Ugh... him.

Topo: The quiet guy from class.

Tigress: Hello? Code name?

He begins to pantomime a bomb going off.

Tigress: Ugh. He is so weird!

Carmen: Oh! Mime Bomb!

Present Carmen: The school year came and went. I couldn't wait to graduate and plot our first caper as V.I.L.E. operatives. We just needed to ace our final exams, and we'd be professional thieves.

Shadowsan: For the first exam, I call... Tigress.

Tigress: I got this.

She drops an origami sheep to the floor, then stomps on it with her heel.

Shadowsan: Somewhere in my coat lies a single dollar bill. The coat has many pockets. Locate the target and acquire it... if you can. You have two minutes.

''The timer beeps. Her goggles locate it. She rushes him, but he counters. The two fight, until ultimately she rips his coat and takes the bill.''

Tigress: Mm. Money.

Carmen: Shadowsan is so gonna call foul.

Shadowsan: Unorthodox technique. But excellent results.

Carmen: No way! Shadowsan is totally playing favorites!

Shadowsan: Black Sheep.

She approaches him.

''The students can be heard mumbling complaints to each other as they all leave the room. Carmen stops.''

Carmen: I swear I hit every pocket. If there was a dollar in there, I couldn't find it.

Gray: Hey, so you choked a little. Like that's gonna affect your grade? You're the finest pickpocket in our class. Totally in a league of your own.

Carmen: You think?

Gray: I know.

Students are cheering.

Chevre: I can't believe it!

Gray: Results are in!

Carmen runs over.

Tigress: Yes! Whoo-hoo!

Chevre: Félicitations, Mon Ami!

Topo: Upward and onward, Mi Amigo!

Carmen: Gray...? Did... did you...?

Gray: I'm good, but...

She sees the red 'X' by her picture.

Gray: I'm really sorry.

Tigress: Crackle! Come sit at the big kids' table.

Carmen: Go on, Gray. I'll be fine.

Tigress: Aww. Looks like someone needs to turn in their stealth suit. Come on, let's go plot a caper.

''Shadowsan closes the doors. A shadow crosses behind him. He reaches for his keys, but they're missing.''

Carmen, holding the keys: Looking for these?

She throws them back to him.

Shadowsan: Playing games? Typical.

Carmen: No game. I want a do-over.

Shadowsan: And you have it, next year, once you redo your coursework.

Carmen: You're not hearing me. Put on the coat. I want a do-over now.

Shadowsan: We do not bend policy for other students, so we really must stop doing it for you. Good night, Black Sheep.

Carmen: The coat was empty, wasn't it?

Shadowsan: Are you accusing a V.I.L.E. instructor of cheating?

Carmen: Um, s-sorry. It's just, I know I'm as good as anyone in my class. Better, even. And I know you know it too.

Shadowsan: And you also happen to be unruly, undisciplined, and a prankster! I would strongly urge that you find a way to get those qualities in check, since they seem to be holding you back.

Carmen: No. Nothing's holding me back. Not anymore.

Carmen sneaks out through the sewer pipeline.

Gray: Our first crime caper, where it all gets real!

Tigress: School's out, boys. Time to strut our stuff.

The helicopter takes off.

Gray: Bye-bye, Black Sheep.

We see that Carmen has stowed away.

Ending credit music plays.