The Desperation Emanation


 * Leonard: How can you even have a girlfriend, you can't speak to women?
 * Raj: Two words - "deaf chick!"


 * Amy: I have a request. I'd like you to meet my mother.
 * Sheldon: I see. Can I get back to you on that?


 * Sheldon: You want a girlfriend. Amy wants to be someone's girlfriend. Take her off my hands, I give you my blessing!
 * Leonard: That is insane.
 * Sheldon: You're right, it would never work, Amy finds you tedious.


 * Leonard: Let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object, by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
 * Sheldon: Screwed.


 * Leonard: Thanks again for doing this, Bernadette.
 * Bernadette: Oh, I take pacts very seriously. One time at my lab, a petri dish of genetically modified super-virus went missing. That day we made a pinky swear never to admit we crossed Ebola with the common cold.
 * Howard: Why the hell would you cross Ebola with the common cold?
 * Bernadette: We never did. That would be a terrible, terrible thing.
 * (a very sweaty girl named Joy enters the restaurant in her gym clothes with her gym bag on her arm)
 * Joy: Hi. Sorry I’m late, I was at the gym. (sits down and puts her gym bag on the floor) Spin class. Worked up quite a sweat.
 * (Joy rubs her sweaty armpits with a napkin)
 * Bernadette: Joy, this is Leonard. Leonard, this is Joy.
 * Leonard: Hi.
 * Joy: Hi. You don’t look like a genius. Go ahead, say something smart.
 * Leonard: Uh…
 * Joy: Aah! Time’s up. Just kidding. First thing you need to know about me, I’m hilarious.
 * Leonard: Yeah. So, Bernadette tells me she knows you from self-defence classes?
 * Joy: Yeah. Israeli Krav Maga. Lots of fun. Basically, a hundred different ways to rip a guy’s nuts off.
 * Leonard: Wow. Wouldn’t think there’d be that many.
 * Joy: Number 42!
 * Leonard: Whoa!
 * Bernadette: Isn’t she a pip?


 * Joy: (burping) This lobster’s good on the way down and the way up.
 * Leonard: Should be, it’s thirty dollars a pound.
 * Joy: Hey, this is a date, right?
 * Leonard: Yep, it is.
 * Joy: 73!
 * Leonard: Whoa!
 * Joy: Excuse me, I have to go to the little girls’ room and take a wicked whiz.
 * Bernadette: I’ll go with you.
 * Joy: Fair warning, I had the asparagus. My pee is gonna stink up the place.
 * Howard: I think she likes you.


 * Howard: Come on, just give her a chance. Maybe she’ll grow on you.
 * Leonard: Or maybe she’ll finally succeed in ripping my nuts off. There are still 93 ways she hasn’t tried yet. Look, Howard, I appreciate the effort, but this is, like, the worst date of my life.
 * Howard: Seriously? I was once robbed by a pre-op transsexual I met on J-Date, and that didn’t even crack my top ten.
 * Leonard: I guess the difference is, I have some self-respect.
 * Howard: Not that I’ve ever seen.
 * Leonard: It’s relatively new. I just know that I’m not gonna spend time with someone I don’t like simply to have a girlfriend. I’m okay on my own.
 * Joy: Good news, I made lots of room for dessert.
 * Leonard: Look, uh, Joy, it was nice to meet you, but…
 * Joy: Yeah, you, too. Hey, you got anything for next weekend? I need a date for my cousin’s wedding.
 * Leonard: You’re asking me out?
 * Joy: Yeah. And it’s an open bar, so I’ll probably be giving it away.
 * Leonard: I look forward to it.