Pain in the Ed

[Eddy is pouring glue on his armpits and laughing while Edd cuts out pieces of carpet.] Eddy: "Hey, what's taking ya?" Edd: "I hate it when you do that. Eddy, I have my doubts to the success of using carpeting as means of achieving virility." [He pastes a slice of carpet to Eddy's armpit.] [Eddy heaves his garage door open and struts out, shirtless.] Eddy: "Everyone knows hairy pits are a sure sign of manliness, Double D." [Eddy walks up to Jonny, who is drinking a malt with Plank.] Jonny: "Wow Eddy! Is that a carpet?" [He laughs.] Edd: "Well, Jonny seems unimpressed."

[Kevin flips a playing card from his doorstep to a hat lying across the lawn.] Kevin: "Choice." Eddy: [looking over the fence] "Hey Ignaroid! Who's more mature now, huh?" Kevin: [laughing] "The dork's faking puberty!" [He goes inside, cackling like there's no tomorrow.] Edd: "Goodness." Eddy: "Jealous! He wishes he had fur like this." Nazz: [from the street] "Is that carpeting? That's so kindergarten." [She rides off.] Eddy: "I hate it when they catch on!" Edd: "It seems underarm growth is a poor excuse for maturity, Eddy." [He starts fishing out his own carpet.] Eddy: "So now what?" Edd: [trying to look natural] "Oh! Um, we could call on Ed." Ed: [carrying a violin and music stand] "Don't bother, Double D, he is not home." Eddy: "Hey Ed, check out these pits!" Ed: [getting ready to play] "Nice carpet, Eddy. Now, let us see. Position and pose starts by fanning your toes and placing your left foot right." Edd: "Why Ed! I didn't know you played an instrument!" Ed: "In my mom's dreams I can!" Eddy: [to Edd] "What's Ed doing with a ukelele?" Edd: "That's a violin, Eddy. A hand-carved musical tour de force, who's delicate tone can release a diverse range of emotions." [Ed plucks an out of tune string.] Ed: "E!" [He hits another sour note.] "G!" Edd: "A little cat and dog, but–" [Another rotten note.] Ed: "B!" Edd: "–with a little practice–" [Another stinker.] Ed: "D!" [He pauses, then hits another note.] "F!" [The note slams into Eddy's head, and Eddy steals the violin.] Eddy: "Violins are for sissies." Ed: "But Eddy, my mom says I gotta practice or–" [Edd takes the violin back to Ed.] Edd: "Thank you." Eddy: "Hey!" Edd: "I'm sure you'll agree Niccolo Pagganini is no sissy, Eddy." [to Ed] "Go on, Ed, practice. Revel in the violin's resonance." Eddy: "Get rid of it, Ed!" [Ed begins to play, honking out sour notes that sound like a duck being strangled.] Edd: "Very good, Ed. But more allegro, sprightlier if you will." [Ed honks out the notes faster and faster, pushing out a cacaphony of noise.] Jonny: [dancing] "Woo hoo, that's a real toe-tapper, Ed! You're giving me and Plank goosebumps!" [Eddy goes inside to hide from the noise.] Edd: [cringing with each note] "Bravo, Ed!" ''[Eddy enters his bedroom, slams the door, and slumps against it. A few seconds later, he looks up and sees a familiar black hat hanging over the edge of his chair. Interestingly, the hat has earmuffs over it.]'' Eddy: [spinning the chair around] "Ah ha! I was right! Ed stinks!" Edd: "Oh come on, Eddy! This is a good thing, and Ed needs our support!" Eddy: "He sounds like a trapped cat!" Edd: "And that's why Ed should–" ''[Ed enters the room with his stand and violin. He sets up.]'' Ed: "Position and pose starts by fanning your toes." Edd: [trying to hold back Eddy] "Wait, Eddy! Don't interfere with cultural learning!" ''[Eddy throws the violin out of his room. Edd follows it.]'' Edd: "Oh dear!" [Sarah and Jimmy pass Edd, walking towards Eddy's room and carrying the violin.] Eddy: [patting Ed] "It's like an elephant's off your back, huh Lumpy?" Ed: "Tell me a story, Eddy." [Sarah throws the door open.] Sarah: "Ed! You're supposed to be practicing! Mom said so!" Ed: [downhearted] "I am so confused!" Eddy: "GET OUT OF MY ROOM, YOU TWERP!" Sarah: "MOVE IT!" [She drags Ed outside.] Edd: "Eddy? Sarah's here."

[Ed stands on the patio.] Ed: "See? I am practicing, Sarah. Hang on to your hat." [He begins playing poorly.] Jimmy: "That's repulsive!" ''[Sarah drags him around a corner. She whispers in his ear.] ''"You're as sly as a fox, girlfriend!" Sarah: "Call me if there's any trouble." [Eddy breaks the door down onto Ed.] Eddy: "That's it, I'm smashing that thing into a thousand pieces!" [He raises it above his head.] Edd: "No, Eddy!" [Edd grabs it.] Eddy: "Quit butting in!" Edd: [through clenched teeth] "We seem to have company, Eddy. A direct line to Sarah should anything go amiss." ''[Edd points to an empty yard. Jimmy's hand snakes out from behind a fence and picks a flower.]'' Eddy: "Really? C'mon, Ed. Let's find a quiet spot and tune that violin."

''[The Eds go to a clearing in the woods. Eddy picks up a cinder block.]'' Eddy: "Okay, Ed, let me have it!" [Ed starts his awful performance again.] Eddy: "Man, he's bad!" Edd: [covering his ears] "Underneath the bitter rind lies a sweet and succulent fruit, Eddy." [Bark begins to peel off the trees.] Eddy: "I hate violins!" Ed: [stopping] "Practice I must, or Sarah my head will bust!" ''[Ed starts again. Jimmy, disguised as Little Bo Peep, comes by leading sheep.]'' Eddy: "Leech."

''[Edd and Eddy lead Ed down the lane. Eddy has his shoes stuffed in his ears. A baby carriage comes by, and Jimmy peeks out. Eddy whips it back the way it came. He smiles evilly and runs towards Ed. Eddy steals the violin.]'' Ed: "Eddy!" Eddy: "I hate violins!" [He holds it over a rock.] Edd: "Don't you dare, Eddy! That instrument has a legacy!" Ed: "And four strings!" [He takes it back.] "Position and pose starts by fanning your toes and placing your left foot–" ''[Eddy kicks Ed's feet out from under him. The violin comes down, and Eddy catches it.]'' Edd: "Eddy, wait! The walls have eyes!" Eddy: "I told you to stay out of this! It's toast!" Edd: "But Eddy–" Eddy: "Zip it!" Edd: "Very well then. Succumb to your lowbrow tactics." Eddy: "So shut up already!" [Edd smiles.] Edd: "But before you violate the violin, Eddy, look up into that tree." [In the tree is Jimmy, disguised as a bird.] Eddy: [giving the violin back] "Um, Ed, shouldn't you be practicing?" Ed: "Look at the size of that bird!" [The real birds fly off, and Jimmy falls out of the tree.] "Aww, it is twitching." ''[Ed chuckles. Edd looks at the violin with love in his eyes. Eddy comes up with another destructive plan.]'' Eddy: "Let's use a chainsaw!" Edd: "No Eddy! Think of the consequences!" [He leads Eddy away.] "What if an accident were to befall Ed's violin? And what if this accident were to happen in plain view for Sarah and all to see?" Eddy: "Oh, I get it! What do I get?"

''[There is a giant statue in the cul-de-sac. It seems to be a remake of the Statue of Liberty. Kevin, Nazz, and Rolf look at it.]'' Kevin: "What is this?" Rolf: "Why is the Lady of Liberty looming over the cul-de-sac?" Kevin: "What an eyesore." Nazz: "Aw come on guys. I think it's cute." [Edd and Eddy look out from inside it.] Eddy: "This better make me happy, Double D." [Ed looks out.] Edd: "We'll all have our wish come true after this, Eddy." ''[Eddy races to a painted target and looks up. A giant funnel, part of the statue, points down at the target. Eddy moves Ed to the center of the target, where Ed will practice. Edd, using a giant marker, outlines footprints on the street. He then takes out a stick of gum, chews it up, and places it in the center of the last footprint.]'' Ed: "Position and pose starts by fanning your toes and placing your left foot right." ''[He begins, and the cul-de-sac's usual business is disrupted. A terrible note bursts the wheels of Kevin's bike into squares, and he tumbles off of the bike, slamming into his front door.]'' Nazz: [covering her ears] "Ed! You're giving me a headache, dude!" Rolf: [stumbling along the footprints] "Aah! Save yourself, Double D Ed-boy, as a single fiendish fiddle of the mountains toys with our mortality!" ''[He stretches the gum across the street and can't move forward. Edd signals to Eddy. Eddy then rushes to the target, where Jonny is snapping his fingers to the "jazz" of the music.]'' Eddy: "Hey Jonny boy!" Jonny: "Hiya Eddy." Eddy: "Hey porcupine, I'd like you to meet my pal, Sawtooth Cecil." [He pulls out a saw.] Jonny: "Look out, Plank! I'll save you buddy!" ''[Jonny runs away. Eddy sets up a jack-in-the-box and walks off.]'' Jonny: "Back off, Sawtooth Cecil, you bully!" ''[Jonny runs into the gum trap. The gum rebounds against him, shooting him backwards. Jonny hits the jack-in-the-box just as it goes off, giving him upward momentum. Jonny lands on a diving board attached to the statue. The diving board bounces him upwards through the ear of Lady Liberty. Jonny lands in a basket and triggers a complex contraption involving a bowling ball.]'' Eddy: "Quick! Let's go see!" [noticing Wilfred] "What's with the pig, Double D?" Edd: "It's a surprise, Eddy." Eddy: "Sure, I get it!" ''[The bowling ball fires out of a trashcan and lands in the funnel. Eddy watches eagerly.]'' Eddy: "Go, baby, go!" [The ball flies out of the funnel's base.] Eddy: "C'mon, c'mon!" [Inside, Edd pets Wilfred.] Edd: "I made a special treat for you, Wilfred. A very powerful magnet. Safe to eat, and chock full of essential vitamins for that growing young swine." [Outside, the ball speeds towards its target.] Eddy: "It's in the bag!" Edd: [showing Wilfred out] "Go home now, and don't talk to any strangers." ''[Wilfred walks by the music stand. The magnet attracts it, and pulls it along. Ed follows. Just after Ed leaves the target, the ball slams into it, dead center.]'' Edd: "Yes." Eddy: "It missed!" Edd: [pretending to be surprised] "Completely! But how could it be? My computations were precise, rigorous, and painstaking. This goes beyond science, Eddy. An unfathomable force has sent us a clear message. That the violin shall not be harmed. That the violin shall be played, and produce wonderful–" Eddy: [catching on] "It was you!" Edd: "Me? Why that's the silliest thing I've ever heard." Eddy: "That's it, the stupid violin's pulp! You hear me?" Edd: [snatching the violin from Ed] "Scuse me, Ed." [He keeps a few yards between him and Eddy.] "Okay fine, I confess! It was I that sabotaged the plan! I had to, don't you see? How could I just let you deface this exceptional display of man's contribution to the symphonic arts?" Eddy: "You double-crosser!" [He chases Edd.] "Wait'll I get my hands on you!" [Edd trips.] Edd: "Oh dear!" ''[He rises. He has crushed the violin.]'' "What have I done?" Jimmy: [as a rabbit] "Egads! I'm telling Sarah!" [singing] "I know what you did, you're in big trouble!" Ed: "No! Don't tell, little bunny!" Eddy: "Eh, good riddance. Violins are for sissies. Why, if I played an instrument, I'd get something manly, like a kazoo or something." [His friends look at him.] "What?" Ed: "Uh, Eddy? Sarah's here." [Sarah grabs Edd and Eddy.] Sarah: "Ed, come here." Ed: "Run away!" Sarah: "Ed!" [She chases Ed.] Eddy: "Run, Ed!" Edd: [delivering an eulogy] "Fare thee well, oh brave violin. Nevermore to sing the brilliance of Chopin. Nevermore to sound the sonnets of–" ''[Ed steps on Edd and pulls Eddy's hair. Ed plays Eddy like a violin.]'' Ed: "Look baby sister, I am practicing! See?" Eddy: [in pain] "ED!"