Road to Germany

Okay, everyone. Hurry up and hand in your Oscar picks before it starts.

Peter, for best picture you wrote Wild Hogs.

Lois, four guys from the suburbs hit the road. And the road hit back.

Peter knows the advertising log lines for every movie.

Blades of Glory.

Kick some ice.

Entrapment.

The trap is set.

RV.

On a family vacation... no one can hear you scream.

Philadelphia.

Poop-shoot lawsuit.

I don't remember that one.

That one doesn't sound real.

Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson... and, for some reason, Steve Buscemi.

Man, look at that Steve Buscemi.

Every one of his teeth is in business for itself.

You know, Steve, the art director's job is never an easy one.

That's right, Scarlett. But this year...

Where are you going?

To the Elton John party.

What? I told you we were staying for the Governors Ball.

And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out.

You guys have fun. I'm going for Scarlett.

It smells like Josh Hartnett's balls in there.

Peter, may I use your restroom?

I took a laxative and a stool hardener... Oh! And they're fighting it out in there.

Yeah, it's upstairs, Mort.

Oh, boy. I hope there's a scale in there.

I'd like to have a before and after on this one.

I'll be out in a minute.

I really need to go.

She said she'll be out in a minute.

Oh, I hope there's another bathroom in here. Oh, God.

Oh, thank God. A Porta-Potty.

Dad, Mr. Goldman never drank his Ensure.

Can I have it even though it's dinnertime?

Sure, Chris. Drink Ensure as a meal or in-between meals.

Or when you're on the go.

Is Mort still in the bathroom?

I'll go see if he's all right.

Mort?

Hello? Mort?

Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing in my room?

Don't touch my stuff with your dirty walking-on-the-street paws.

I'm looking for Mort. He came up here an hour ago... and never came back down.

Uh-oh.

What?

My time machine has been activated.

Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine.

Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say.

The pig goes, "Whack. "

The cow goes, "Shazoo. "

It most certainly does not.

The rooster goes, "Gee-gree-gee. "

Where? Where does the rooster say that?

The monkey goes, "Magack. "

Oh, no, no, no, it does not.

The elephant goes, "Voo-arp. "

Yeah, kind of.

Stewie, do you think Mort accidentally stumbled into the time machine?

I suppose it's possible.

Let's ask Rick Moranis and the back-up singers from Little Shop of Horrors.

I saw a red-headed guy Come up here about an hour ago Mort the Jew He seemed to be in a rush And had a pained look on his face Had to poo Sha-doo ba doo ba doo And he stepped into that box there And suddenly There was a big flash of light That's when he went back in time

We have to get him back. Where did the machine send him?

I don't know.

How can you not? It's a time machine.

Doesn't it have a display that tells the year?

Is my time machine not as good as your time machine?

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you probably got a way better time machine. Yeah.

Stupid dog.

Then can't you press a couple of buttons and bring him back?

No, he can't just come back. He needs the return pad.

Well, we can't just leave Mort back in time.

That would be more irresponsible than silent-movie p0rn.

All right, we'll go get him.

But remember, Brian, don't touch anything when we're in the past.

Even stepping on a mosquito could create a chain reaction... that alters the present.

Really?

No, you can do whatever you want.

Come on.

Okay, if everything worked properly... this should be the exact time and place Mort was sent to.

We just gotta figure out where we are.

Or when we are.

Oh, that's such a douche time-traveler thing to say.

Shazoo.

Okay, we're somewhere in Europe. Aha!

Look, Brian.

This trail of used tissues should lead right to Mort.

Or to Quagmire.

Oh, he's gross.

Warsaw? Well, at least we know where we are.

RABBl: And so we had him crucified.

But that doesn't leave this room. Anyway, the point is... may Chaim and Sarah have many wonderful years together. Amen.

Excuse me, we're looking for a Mr. Goldman.

Mr. Mort Goldman.

A small-business owner, tends to whine a lot, kind of a hypochondriac.

Oh, no. You can't put your hand back up after you put it down. Never mind.

Stewie, look at this. "September 1, 1939."

There's something about that date.

I now pronounce you man and wife. Mazletof.

Now step on the glass.

Oh, but be careful, though.

At my wedding, I cut myself on the glass.

When I got to Palm Beach for the honeymoon... I had to put a Wonder Bread bag on my foot to keep the sand out.

Mazletof!

Oh, Mort. Thank God.

Brian and Stewie? You're in heaven too?

Mort, this isn't heaven. You've time-traveled into the past.

What? How is that possible?

Just trust me. We're here to bring you home.

But it's gotta be heaven, Brian. Look.

There's my frugal Aunt Ruth, my thrifty Uncle lsaac... my bargain-hunting Aunt Flo... and my Great-Aunt Vera who didn't like to spend a lot on anything.

We gotta get out of here.

But, Brian, when am I gonna have another chance... to see my Grandpa Chaim's wedding with my own eyes?

Yes, he's right, Brian.

Besides, I've never been to a Hebrew wedding.

Well, I guess we could stay a little longer.

Oh, wonderful. I wanna be hoisted up on the chair... and see what it feels like to be top Jew.

Uh-oh.

I knew there was something about this date.

September I st, 1939. This is the German invasion of Poland.

It's also the exact day and year that Rene Russo was born.

We gotta get out of here fast. Set up the return pad... and let's get back to our own time.

Right.

What? Why are we still here?

I don't know.

It's not working.

Yeah.

You know what's not gonna fix it? Your shouting.

Oh, God. Should we ask somebody for help?

Yeah, right. How many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine?

Well, we can't stay here.

We'll have to get Mort to England. It's the only place he'll be safe.

Oh, they're awful, those Nazis.

If they catch me, they'll beat me unmerciful... and rub dirt in my ass, neck, and all over my antsy nipples.

What?

There's the checkpoint.

If we get passed it, we're out of occupied Poland.

Right. Mort, you all set?

Oh, God. I hope this works.

Hello. We'd like to leave Poland now.

We'll be bringing our friend, who is absolutely 100 percent not Jewish.

Hey, how about that Jesus, huh? What a guy.

Father, we are so glad you're here.

We need you to conduct last rites for our friend over there.

Well, I suppose.

Dear God, the non-Jewish god, be a mensch...

Ahem.

I mean, a good guy, because it says in the old book...

Not so old, though.

You know, still good. Still good.

Still some things... Good things to say.

We pray in the name of you and of your son... who died in a freak accident that you can't really blame on anyone...

Ahem.

Take this man up to your retail paying place.

Are you sure you're a real priest?

Yeah. Yeah, I can vouch for him. He's real. He's molested me many times.

Sorry I'm late. I was busy doing innocent non-molesty things.

Wait a minute, two priests?

That is impossible.

This collar comes right off.

He's a filthy Jew!

Oh, boy. You should be glad... your Human Resources person was not around to hear that.

Run.

Hey, buddy, I need to borrow this.

Das poop!

I wanna get back on the motorcycle.

I told you, it's out of gas.

Why isn't the time machine working?

I don't know, Mort.

I hate it here.

I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of sh1t.

It's all a bunch of goddamn sh1t.

Okay, take it easy, man.

No. f*ck you, Stewie.

I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. f*ck you. f*ck the both of you.

I didn't say anything.

Oh, thanks, Brian.

This is a bunch of sh1t!

Okay, you know what, Mort?

Shut up! All right? Just shut the f*ck up.

I don't give a sh1t about you. You know, we could just leave you here.

Yeah, right. Just leave me here. That's great.

We're in occupied Europe. And if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish.

Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice.

Eat my ass, Brian.

Don't you mean your ass neck?

Shut up. That's a real thing.

Well, Nazis. That's refreshing.

All right, on three, we'll make for the closest U-boat.

Everybody, hang on.

We're being pursued by two objects.

Looks like one's another U-boat.

The other appears to be Terence Trent D'Arby.

Fire.

Uh-oh.

What?

Hold on to something.

Why isn't the time machine working?

I swear to God, Mort... I will stuff you in a torpedo tube and crush you against the sea.

Brian, I've got an idea. It's a long shot, but it just might work.

See that newspaper?

Yeah.

Stuff it in the waste tube.

Can you hand me the radio?

Thanks. Hi, this is car...

What number are we?

Five-five.

Car 55. We're in a sub.

Oh, my God. It's England.

We've reached England. We're saved.

Really? Are you sure it's England?

Yes, I can see the white cliffs of Dover.

Boy, they weren't kidding. Those things are white.

So we're gonna take the whole family on vacation this summer.

Load up the Country Squire and head up to New Hampshire.

By the way, thanks for the recommendation. Great cheese shop.

Yeah. You know, our youngest has been accepted to Northfield Mount Hermon.

Oh, gosh. Is Warren in high school already?

Yeah. You know, a funny thing happened to me on the way to middle age.

My kids grew up.

Say, you know, when you take that vacation... don't forget traveler's insurance.

A lot of people do, and a lot of people are sorry.

London in wartime.

This is history right here, Brian.

And look, there's Winston Churchill.

Maybe we'll get an up-close look at his legendary wit.

Oh, Winston. Drunk again, I see.

Yeah, well, you're a c**t.

Wickedly funny.

I guess history has just whittled it down to the gems.

Why isn't the time machine working?

I'm working on it, Mort, all right?

Oh, here's the problem. What is it?

The transfer circuits are powered by uranium and this is tapped out.

Are you saying we need to find some uranium?

I'm afraid so.

But where do we find uranium in World War II Europe?

There's only one place.

At the top-secret atomic-research facility... in Berlin.

Wait, Germany's building weapons of mass destruction?

Why doesn't America go there and kick their asses?

I don't know. Maybe because they don't have any oil.

Oh. Clap, clap, clap.

I don't know. I don't wanna do this.

Berlin is the closest place... we're gonna find uranium. It's the only way to get home.

Men, as officers of the Royal Air Force, you're the very best in the world.

However, this mission to Germany will not be an easy one.

Four-and-a-half of every five of you will not return.

Half of Jenson there can tell you, it gets pretty sticky.

But I never lost my good spirits, I haven't.

So let's get up there, be safe... and get back to the big, fat pigs of wives we have waiting at home.

Pardon me, I'd like to join.

What are your qualifications?

I have a British accent, I'm possibly homosexual... and my wife is ghastly.

Bombs away.

Talk to me, Goose.

Don't call me that.

You're my eyes, Goose. Keep an eye out for those Krauts.

Uh-oh. Germans dead ahead.

It's another wave of fighters. We're outnumbered.

Oh, no, we're not.

Stand by, my Hawkmen.

Dive!

Oh, my God and baby Jesus! We're going down!

Quick, get the parachutes.

There are no parachutes. All I can find was this.

A raft? We're not sinking. We're crashing!

Where are we?

I think we're in Germany.

Look, there's the Black Forest.

We gonna take the whole family on vacation this summer.

The 10 of us gonna load up the lmpala and head on down to Hotlanta.

Hey, I heard that. Hey, thanks for the tip on that check-cashing place.

I was in and out with one ID.

You know my boy is out on bail next week, right?

Man. It seems like yesterday he was in juvie.

Hey. Say, man, when you on your trip... skip that traveler's insurance. That's a rip-off.

There it is. Berlin.

So this is Berlin, huh?

Doesn't seem so bad.

Dear God, this place is nightmarish.

Look at the offensive way they draw Jewish people.

It's here. The uranium lab is in here.

Where'd you get that thing?

Up your ass.

What?

What?

Hey, fellas, you want to get a free caricature?

Yeah.

I want to be a skateboarder.

There's something on here.

Huh, that's weird.

All right, come on. Let's get inside that lab.

Hey, guys. Hitler!

How's it going, Mr. Hitler?

Oh, it's a dog-eat-dog Reich and I'm wearing bacon pants.

So how's the atomic bomb coming?

It's coming. It's coming.

There are problems. We're having better luck...

...developing this impressive collection of 100 luftballons.

Oh, damn.

I guess we'll just let you get back to work.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I don't suppose you boys have uranium I could borrow?

Oh, of course.

Give him some uranium, Mean Joe Green.

Hey, kid. Catch.

Thanks, Mean Joe.

He's not really mean at all.

No, he's a nice guy.

Okay, the time machine is refueled.

Let's find a safe spot and make the trip back home.

Arrest him! Arrest those three!

These filth are making a mockery of our Reich.

Execute them!

Unless...

Unless what?

Unless they can sing a charming musical number.

Whenever...

Damn it, will you two just get in the f*cking time machine?

We did it. We're home. Everything's fine.

Uh... Well, not quite.

What do you mean?

Aren't you nervous Mort knows all about this stuff?

Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian.

See, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom.

Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently.

Can I poop in here?

No.

No.

Too late.