Easy Com-mercial, Easy Go-mercial

Ah, hmm, looks like Jimmy Pesto's big Super Bowl weekend is starting early. No, no, no. Higher. Every year it starts earlier and earlier. Like ant season under Gene's bed. I'm having my own Super Bowl blowout this year. I'm holding all of my BMs until halftime, when I will make a Super Bowel! Gene, you can't hold your poops in, all right? You got to set 'em free where they can go down the sewer and they find their families and they're happy! I'm their family! I raised them! Hey, you know what? We should do our own Super Bowl promotion. You know, for people who want the option to have good food. Great idea, Dad. We can have people over and order a bunch of Thai. What? No, Tina. I'm talking about our food. Oh, right. That'll work, too. Hmm? What's that jerk up to? Ugh. What do you want, Jimmy? Hey, saw your little sign. What are you gonna do, listen to the game on the radio and then go out and tell everybody what happened? Come on. What are you talking about? You don't have a TV! Yeah, we do. It's right there. Right there. Where? I don't s Uh, where? Oh, yeah! Little fella. Yeah! And it has good horizontal hold! Sheesh! How old is that thing? The players are all gonna have English accents. Ah! 'Cause England's old. Don't hold my hand. Get out of here, Jimmy. Yeah. It's no wonder every year my place is packed for the game, while you serve two customers. He's talking about us. Look alive, Mort! Oh, yeah? Well-well, we have our own Super Bowl idea, Jimmy. Yeah! Is it my Super Bowel? Bigger. Impossible! Our idea's gonna get us more business on Sunday than you. Yeah, that's right, yeah. You go, Dad. Our place will be packed, and yours will be empty. Ha! Like Trev's soul. Heh. Whoa. I'm sorry. That's cute that you think that, Bob. Almost as cute as your little cooking booties. They happen to be clogs, Jimmy. Yeah? Well, go back to Holland, you windmill! He's not a windmill. You'll see, Jimmy. My idea's gonna destroy you. Monday morning, you're gonna be like, "What the hell happened?" and I'm gonna be like, "Bob's idea happened!" So, what do you got, Bob? I got nothing. Aw, nuts. No, Dad, we've got nothing. Thanks, Tina. Here's something. It's a grocery list. Hurry back, and I'll make zucchini and wienie paninis. You'll love 'em. Yay. Yay. What am I gonna do to bring in more business? Can't let Pesto win. Again. I have an idea. What is it, zucchini? You could kill Jimmy Pesto. Yeah, I could kill him. Yeah, kill him today with me. Shove me down his throat. That's a great idea. No one It's a perfect murder. Watch out for that truck! Or Or what? Nothing. Forget it. Just go back in the bag. A 15-second local Super Bowl commercial is only $3,000. We can afford it, barely. I don't know, Bob. We'd have to empty almost all our savings. What if it doesn't work? It will work. When everyone in the bi-county area sees our commercial, they'll come to our restaurant. I didn't know our county was bi. Good for us. I'm telling you, Lin, we'll make that money back and then some. This is just about you wanting to one-up Jimmy Pesto. No, Lin. The fact that our commercial will play on all of Jimmy Pesto's stupid 18 televisions during the game has nothing to do with it! Th-This is about growing our family business. We'll get so big, we'll run Mort off his land and take his goats! We'll get so rich, we'll never be happy again! $3,000 is a lot of money, Bobby. But a Super Bowl commercial is a game-changer, Lin, and it'll be fun. No. We'll put the whole family in it. No, I don't think You could sing a song. Let's do it! The Belchers are making a commercial! A family commercial! Finally, people have a reason to watch the Super Bowl! This is an impressive savings account here. And then here's yours. See the difference? Yes. Good planning; Careful saving. No apparent plan; Small, random deposits. Yes, I-I, uh, I get it. Something. Nothing. Okay, you've made your point. Good. I mean, I shouldn't even be showing you this other account, but I couldn't think of another way to try to help you. Well, actually, it's kind of hurtful. Aw. Yes, I'm basically emptying our account, but it's worth it to have a commercial during the Super Bowl. I mean, I'll be back in here in no time depositing twice as much. Oh, that'll be fun. I'll have our vault enlarged. Okay, uh, financing is in place. Now we just need a $3,000 idea for the family commercial. So, uh, let's do it. What do we got? Bobby, I know a guy who used to be in the NFL; I bet you could get him. Really? That could be great. I don't know. Celebrity endorsement? Sounds a little hoity-toity. Yeah, that might be a little slick for us. It's something Pesto would do. We'll keep it simple just the food and the family. How about a slogan? Uh, "Where's the burger? Between Bob's buns. " Hmm. Uh, well, not that. How about this? "Bob's Burgers, like a beef in the night. " Mm, no. Huh. You can be the Joint Beefs of Staff. I don't think so. Um, how about, uh, "I beef, you beef, we'll all beef, uh, at Bob's Burgers. " Not great, Teddy. Something like that. Oh, oh! "Come meet our family and let us meat you. " Get it? Meat? Ha! Hey, Louise, that's pretty good. I'm the smart one! That's good? Yeah, that could work. Lin, you could sing that. Well, yeah, I Yeah, yeah. Yes, now I hear it. Gene! Give me something bouncy. Ma, go! Uh, two, three! Come meet our family And let us meat you Bob's Burgers. That's great! Ha-ha-ha! I mean, not that exactly, but something like that. I mean, we'll work on it. It just flew out of me. I don't It just came out. Wow, I love that. Yeah, then we just add some dialogue and show the burgers. This is gonna work. Not to be a Missy Pissy, but how are we going to make the commercial in just four days? Well, there is one guy we could call. I love it! That'll be $1,500. Worth it! This is Randy. I still can't believe you want to work with Randy. How many times are you gonna let him hurt you? We don't know anyone else who can do this stuff, and he's cheap. I wrote it; I should be the one directing it, not some idiot. Louise. All the best movies were written and directed by one girl. The man did glue a wig on a cow. And that worked out. All right, here he is; Get it out now. Randy's a pain in the butt. He has bad breath. He pees sitting down, facing the toilet! He smells like a hamster cage! He's average height. Tina, that's not really an insult. Okay, here he is. Hey, buddy. Hello, Belchers. You're stupid. What? Nothing. Hey, uh, what did you think about the script? What did I think about the script? Did a kid write it? Actually, yes. This kid. Me. And just to explain who's in charge, this is a point-and- shoot operation; I point and you shoot. Well, we will see about that. No, I'm the puppet master, and you're the guy who gets the puppet master a glass of water. Uh, puppets can't get water for people. That's not true. There's a lot of movies where puppets get water for people. Okay, guys, guys, guys I-I am a filmmaker. Name one movie where puppets get water for people. Pretty Woman. I will have to rent that and see. Come on. Randy, look at this. Pretty good, huh? Miniature city for our big final shot. It's not awful. And Linda and Tina unroll the banner. With glamour. While we sing. Lovely. And where's the banner? Ha! There Oh, there, yeah. Wow. That's great. You spelled "meat" with little hamburgers. So you know it's meat. They look like little butts, Tina. Yeah, it works on every level. Action! action! Only I say "action," and I just said it, so action! Come meet our family And let our family meat you. Hey, meat me. Cut! Cut! Cut, cut. Everybody stop saying "cut. " I will say "cut. " Oh, I screwed that up. My fault. Butterfingers over here. Everyone was wrong. Cut. Sorry. No. There's one for your blooper reel, right? Show that at the wrap party. At Bob's Burgers, we use only the freshest ingredients. Cut. Tina, what was that? A sexy hair flip. Why? Was it too sexy? No, just why are you doing that? It's for my "wow" factor. So Jimmy Jr. sees the commercial and goes, "Wow. " Stick to the script, Tina. You can weird it up in the mirror whenever you want, 'kay, doll? And action, Burger-Zilla! Bob's Burgers has the biggest flavor in all the land! Bah! Bah! Bah! Gene. What? And cue Linda! So come come by Bob's Burgers today After the game And cue the banner! Tell us football sent you. Mm! And cut! That's a wrap! I'm a director! We did it! I did it! I did! We're the best family ever! And let us meat you. Oh, my God. "Oh, my God," you love it? Oh, my God, we're screwed. "Oh, my God, we're screwed," you love it? No. Oh, my God, we're screwed, we're screwed. "Oh, my God, we're screwed, we're screwed," you love it? No. Oh, my God, we're screwed, we're screwed, we're really, really, really screwed. Hey, Bob, what do you think? Why did I think this was a good idea? Why did I throw all our money away on this? Despite the brilliant camera work, I think the problem is the script written by a nine-year-old. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Learn to direct, you hack. I am learning. Bobby, it's not that bad. It is that bad, Lin. The banner broke, Tina did that weird thing with her hair, Teddy can't catch a burger. I just couldn't get my head around my character. All right, so what do we do, Mr. Super Troll? We already bought the airtime; We got to air something. Here's what you need Fire Randy I don't think that's the answer. I'll direct it, like I should have in the first place, and it'll frickin' sparkle! Maybe I could try spinning my hair the other way. Like this. Teddy, what's the name of that NFL guy you know? No. Sandy Frye. Want me to call him? No. Do you think he'd work for less than $500? Well, he really wants to break into acting. He'd probably do it just for the experience. Great. What?! We can tell people to come to Bob's Burgers after the game and meet a real NFL player. They'll be running out of Pesto's to come here! A football player in a Super Bowl commercial it's a slam dunk! You want to replace my commercial with Sandy Frye? Not replace, Louise, just reshoot a little, add some stuff. I thought a celebrity endorsement was too slick for us. Let's just take the family out of the family commercial, then we'll take the burgers out, then the restaurant out it'll be great! It's still a family commercial, Louise. We're just adding a new member to the family who has name recognition, and is more appealing. Mom, you're letting this happen? Well, you know, I let a lot of stuff happen I don't like. Gene's haircut What? I want to feather it. Come here. I want my name off this project and my last name off my name! Now it's just Louise Louise! Sandy "Can-Can" Frye. Here we go. Highlight reel. Why do they call him "Can-Can"? Oh, yeah, I remember. Every time he sacked a quarterback, he'd celebrate by doing the can-can. That was his thing. It was a simpler time. I also brought in some props to make the new final shot look more footbally. Some pom-poms for Linda. Rah-rah! Pom-poms for the mom-moms! For Gene, I brought this mouth guard, which I need back by tonight. I grind my teeth. And a referee shirt for Louise. No way. I'm not being the referee. I took the shirt off my teddy bear, and you're the only one who it'll fit. Tough break, Randy. Sorry about your naked bear. Louise, a word, please? Listen to me! I know we've had our differences, but I need this! Admit you're a hack, and I'll do it. I am not a hack! Then I'm not a ref. Fine, I'm a hack! But I'm learning, and soon I won't be a hack. But you you'll always be a little girl. He said he's a hack! Just so you know! Good girl, Louise. Cooperation! Did someone here order an NFL legend? Because next door, they did not, and they yelled at me to leave. Hi. I'm Sandy. Thanks for giving me an opportunity to act in your commercial. I've been working on my accents. Which would you prefer? "G'day, mate" or "That's a-spicy"? I, um I Can you do a Russian accent? Can I? 'Ey! I'm a-Russian! It's a-so cold, it's a No, I cannot. Oh. I'm sorry. I think just your regular voice will be great, Sandy. I'm playing myself? Yes. You got it, Bob. I'm here to carry out your vision, even if you don't want me to do an accent. Now that's a great attitude! Great attitude, terrible concept for a commercial, hack director. Let's do this! Yeah, let's do this! I was being sarcastic, Sandy. And I was ignoring it, little tiny person. Why do you eat at Bob's Burgers, Sandy? Because your burgers go great with Frye. Sandy Can-Can Frye! Right on! See, it's already working. People love Sandy! Except that guy ruined the shot. Because your burgers go great with Frye. Okay, that's a wrap! Wow! Great day, everyone! Great day! Hey, all this acting makes me hungry. Let's celebrate with some sesame cheddar blasts. Uh, we don't have that. And maybe some toasted jalapeÃ±o points. Is that a thing? Mozzarella volcanoes? Uh, we just have burgers and fries, so See you Sunday! Okay great, Sandy. Thank you. You were amazing. You were amazing, Sandy. I want to marry you so I can be Bob Can-Can. I wouldn't take his name. I'm thinking, uh, what if we maybe zoom in a little more? Like that? A little more. That? Little more. Something like this? Mm, more. Little more. This? Perfect. Enjoy it while it lasts, Pesto. Soon, they'll all be coming here. Bob's Burgers. Bob speaking. Um, hello, dear. Yes, I'd like to make a reservation. Oh, uh, actually, that's a good idea. We're gonna be slammed. Uh, what time would you like to come in? Um, at you're-an-idiot o'clock! This is Jimmy Pesto here. Hilarious, Jimmy. Looks like whatever dumb idea you had to outdo me really paid off. Not! My idea will pay off, Jimmy! Oh, really? You have no idea what's coming your way. Here's what's coming your way. Hey, hang that up for me, would you? Stupid Pesto! How much longer till halftime? My contractions are nine minutes apart! Just go to the bathroom, Gene. You made it all the way to Sunday. It's still heroic. You just don't understand the pageantry of the Super Bowel. Oh, my God, it's almost kickoff. Our commercial is gonna air any minute. Oh, God! I'm so excited. I can't wait to see it, Bobby. Hey, we're on! I'm already addicted to fame! And carbs. Now I'll be recognized for something other than wearing my shirt backwards at school that one time. At Bob's Burgers, we only use the freshest ingredients, and we grind our meat right here. Mmm. That's a ten-yard penalty for unnecessary deliciousness. Hey, you're NFL great Sandy Can-Can Frye. And you're Bob. Come see me here after the Super Bowl. He'll give you the best burger you've ever had, and I'll give you a high five. Tell me, Sandy. Why do you like Bob's Burgers so much? Because Bob's Burgers goes great with Frye. Bob's Burgers, conveniently located on Ocean Avenue. Open Monday through "Frye" day. Also Saturday and Sunday. Can-can! Wow! That turned out great! But the family was barely in it! You didn't even show my hair flip. And where was the Giant Burger Boy who pees mustard? The star of the commercial! You cut out all of the singing! All of it! I to you! Dad threw us under the bus! Hey, I understand you're all disappointed, but Randy and I thought this was the best way to go, and Sandy is so great and likeable that Dah. Is this what you wanted, Dad? All you had to do was ask! Yeah, Dad. Happy now? No. I mean, yes, about our commercial. But no, no. Get used to it, Dad! This is all we can-can do from now on! Yeah Bob! Oh, yeah? Well, this is what's going to get us customers! How long are we going to can-can? 'Cause this is hurting. It doesn't end! You do it till you die! Yeah! Ow! Ow! Hey, look. Sandy is still on TV! What? So, Sandy Frye, why are you at Jimmy Pesto's Pizzeria signing autographs during and after the Super Bowl? You know, instead of at some stupid greasy burger shack? Because Jimmy Pesto's pizza goes great with Frye. All right. What the hell?! That doesn't even make sense! Pizza doesn't go well with Frye! I don't believe it. Pesto stole our commercial. We're sunk. He beat us again! Who's us? The family you turned your back on? Yeah, now you know how we feel, Bob. The betrayer is betrayed. Karma's a bitch, and then you die. I'm so upset I don't even have to go to the bathroom anymore. Either that, or maybe I'm going right now. Oh, I really do still have to go quite a bit. What are you doing? I'm going to go settle up with Pesto! God. I can't get this apron off! Stop. You're like a mental patient in a straitjacket. Tina, untie the back! Karma's a bitch. Oh, my God! Forget it! I'll wear it over there! Ah, great commercial, Bob. I'm being sarcastic. It was horrible. Ta You you never support me! Mm. Randy! Mm! I always watch the game here, Bob! You! Down in front! Yeah! Down in front, Front Butt! Yeah, you make a better door than a window, and you're fat! Classic. You stole my commercial, Jimmy! You stole him! Oh, hey, Bob! Pizza? No, I don't want pizza! I'm angry at you! Oh, because of the commercial? Yes! Sandy, how could you? Before you reject my olive branch, which is pizza with olives, let me explain. After I finished shooting your commercial, I came here to get some imaginative appetizers and some pizza two things you don't serve and I may have told Jimmy Pesto that I'm an actor now and I had just shot a commercial with you to air during the Super Bowl. Which, in hindsight, is probably how Jimmy got the idea to do one himself. With the same tag line. But I hired you first! If I hurt your feelings, or broke a contract with you, that was an honest mistake. Live and learn. Yeah, Bob. Live and learn, and lose. Again!