My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2

1 (ENGINE STARTING) (HONKING) (DOOR CLOSES) (SIGHS) (CLEARS THROAT) You better get married. You're starting to look old. Dad! You can't say that to her! Pappou! Huh. TOULA: That's a family tradition. My dad used to say that to me, and now he just said it to my daughter. She's 17. My family worries about each other because we're close. Very close. (HONKING) Extremely close. We see no difference between hugging and suffocation. Toula, find your daughter a Greek boyfriend before she does what you did. What the... You married a kseno. My husband! He's a nice boy, very nice, but not Greek, a kseno. How can you say that? Please stop! Hmm. (SIGHS) TOULA: Do I speak for all mothers of teens when I ask, "Does it ever get better?" Hey, hey, hey. Ela, Costa! Nicko. Hey, Dad, pop the trunk. I'm freezing my nads off. Too much makeup. (EXHALES) We're gonna have a nice day. And we'll paint, and we'll do nice things. Gus, I put your pills by your coffee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Costa, did you finish drawing Alexander the Great? Uh-huh. And I sculpted a Parthenon out of soap. Very good, very good. COSTA: Oh, no. Spell check corrected "spanakopita" to "spina bifida." Ugh! (CHUCKLES) Kisses. TOULA: Aw, kisses from your child. (EXHALES) That's over. My sister did it right. When her sons became possessed by the teen wolf hormones, she popped out another one. And another one. Let's go! Put on your hat. Paris, you should come and help at the restaurant sometime. You should butter the garlic bread. Can't wait. Come here, darling. Ugh. Toula, you and Ian seen these eyes? You better fix this. Okay, bye, bye. After school you have hockey. Your brothers are coming, so you make sure you score. You will score. The Greeks invented hockey. Yes, because what do you play hockey on? Ice. What is the Greek word for ice? Pago. Pago, puck. There you go. There you go. There you go. (LAUGHS) Now, give me a word, any word... (SIGHS) ...and I will show you how the root of that word is Greek. ARISTOTLE: Uh, Facebook. GUS: Huh. The Greeks invented Facebook. We called it the telephone. ARISTOTLE: Bye-bye! COSTA: Bye, Pappou! GUS: Paris. Keep your eyeballs open now for a nice Greek boy so one day you can make babies. Don't waste your eggs. (GROANS) Outstanding. Paris! Pappou didn't mean to say anything hurtful. You're beautiful, so beautiful. Of course you don't look old. He just says stuff like that. To me, too. You don't need a boyfriend, you don't need to get married and make babies! GIRL: Oh, my God. BOY: The lady's back again. (STUDENTS LAUGHING) Mother. TOULA: When did my name change from... Mommy! ...to... Mother! (EXHALES SHARPLY) Drama. Shut up, Tommy. TOULA: I guess when my daughter started to pull away, I should have retreated. But I stayed too close. I kept volunteering at her school. I wanted her to think I was cool again. (CHEERING) (GRUNTS) ALL: Oh! BOY: Loser! (GROANING) TOULA: Then I remembered I've never been cool. Here comes the principal. TOULA: My husband has always been cool. He just has it. And he always knows the perfect thing to say. You okay, babe? Mmm-hmm. Okay, so just when my daughter doesn't want me around anymore, my parents need me more than ever. So I go with them to get groceries, to their doctors, and to physical therapy. The old guys suck the chocolate off those nuts. TOULA: I loved being a travel agent, but in a tight economy, the first things to go are luxuries like travel and dry cleaning. Well, luckily, people still eat. Oh. Hold up, Dad. (SIGHS) My sister and brother have young children so I help at the restaurant. It's what we do. 'Cause families that are close like mine, we make it through bad economies and sickness and even wars because we stick together. But some of us just get stuck. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Hey, Paris. Hey. Dad, do not talk to me. People think I'm a narc! Well, shouldn't you be in class right now? You track me all day. Mom's needy, Pappou wants to marry me off, Yiayia constantly tells me to never ever let a boy touch my poulaki because "once he feels it, he wants it"! (EXHALES SHARPLY) This family. Hey! Save it for the shrink. Shut up, Tommy. Honey, your mom felt the same way about being Greek. Dad, that's obtuse. Why would I have an issue being Greek? I can't take that everyone is always in my business. Give me some air. I'm not a kid. I can be late to a class. There won't be a spasmodic catastrophic ripple in the space-time continuum. Hmm. And, yes, four of those words are Greek. Hi. Hi. Hi. Where were you when we set up? I'm so sorry. My pipes froze. And decorated the gym. So I had to plunge my sink. You're on clean-up. Thank you. Hi. Hi. You can say no to them. (SARCASTICALLY) Oh, yeah, sure. Been a long time since those two made fun of your lunch. (SIGHS) They called it moose-caca. IAN: Eh, come on, don't let them boss you around. There's Paris. If she goes to Northwestern, she'll stay in Chicago. Please, oh, please. Let's go over there. No. Right. MARIA: There she is! Did you invite the family? GUS: Paris! I told my ma. (ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY) Hold on. Hey! Hey! GUS: We're just in time. MARIA: We're here! I want you to be a dental hygienist. A mother working two days a week, perfect! Paris, be a hairdresser. Like me! GUS: Ian, look. Everybody has boys. You vegetarian. One girl. Slow sperm. (CHUCKLES) (CELL PHONE RINGING) That's Theia Voula on the FaceTimes. Maria, I'm on my way. I was at Zumba. MARIA: Who is Zumba? Sorry. (BOTH SIGHING) We need to find a boyfriend for Paris. How about Ariana Skoufis' boy, huh? Everybody on that island has six toes. Let's wait until summer. We check his feet. AUNT VOULA: I see you. I don't see you. I see you. I don't see you. I see you. I don't see you. I see you! (LAUGHING) I see her. AUNT VOULA: Look at this app. Ten thousand steps, I met my goal. Where's Taki? He never answers the phone. Why stand when you can sit? Look tired so they leave us alone. (BOTH GROAN) (BOTH SIGH) (GROANS) NICK: Hey, Angelo. You get my flat-screen TV? Yeah, I got it right here. (GROANS) (LAUGHING) (GRUNTING) NICK: You can't breathe. You can't breathe. Guys! All right, break it up. Break it up. You're coming with me. (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, Mike? Hey, buddy. You miss working here? No. Way too scary for me. Hey, sorry we're late. Yeah, we had to stop and pick up Mana-Yiayia. Wait, where is she? MAN: Mana-Yiayia? ALL: Mana-Yiayia? IAN: Look low, everybody. Spanakopita! (ALL CLAMORING) BOY: Let me in there! NICK: I want a piece. Easy, guys. Easy. Take a picture. BOY: Ooh, that's good. Hey, come. TOULA: No, no, honey. You don't have to do that. Why don't you just... It's okay. Pull my neck back. Oh, yeah. And you do mine. Okay. Pull, pull. Okay. One, two, three, pull! (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) Okay. Hey, Bennett. MARIA: Good? AUNT VOULA: Let me. I'll be the judge. Not bad. ATHENA: Oh, that looks good. Mmm. So good. Mmm-hmm. We should go. Why? So Paris can speak with this gentleman and go to Northwestern. Well, if she gets in. "If"? Come here. My niece wants to come to your school, you're gonna say, "Welcome." You got it? ANGELO: Come here, pal. And a tuition discount means a box of steaks for ya. Uh... Northwestern is very selective. She's only coming there if you teach Greek history. MAN: Of course. We have an outstanding classics program. Greek, Italian. The Greeks invented Italian. (LAUGHS SOFTLY) Actually, no. Yes. Nope. You Greek? No, sir. I'm a Sephardic Jew. Then you Greek. No, my family is Spanish. Alexander the Great went through Spain spreading his seed. You Greek. This is not the time. And it's ridiculous. The man doesn't know history. "Spreading his seed"? Hey. (ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY) Hey! Alabama, Florida, Texas, New York. These are the colleges I'm applying to, far, far away from here. Why do you want to leave me? (SIGHS) Didn't I say, get your daughter a Greek boyfriend? Dad! And you, educate yourself. We are all descendants of Alexander the Great. I am for sure! No, you're not. Maria... No, you're not. It's okay. He knows, he knows. It's okay. (GASPS) Gracias. (SIZZLING) COSTA: Okay, give me a word. Any word. Chimichanga. Sure. "Chimi" comes from the Greek word "kima, " which means "spicy beef." And "changa" comes from the Greek word "tsanda, " which means "purse." So meat that is shaped like a purse. Chimichanga. There you go. There you go. ANGELO: Quit setting me up. Hey, just meet her. She's from Holland. Nah. I don't speak Hollandaise. Yeah, in the city. NIKKI: Exactly. BOTH: Ah... It's ready. Eh. Hey. Hi. Just because you don't want to be working here when you're my age doesn't mean you have to run off to college in another city. I just hope you applied to some local colleges, too. Why do parents always say "dream big" when they really mean "not too big"? Like, "Fly, little birdy. Wait, no, let me hold your wings." (COUGHS) Payback. What? Office. (VACUUM WHIRRING) Sit. Oh, please don't lecture me about my daughter. I'm going to find her a boyfriend. Relax. Now, show me how to work that. You want to learn how to use a computer? Yeah, what's that thing called where they search for the... DNA? A crime scene. No, no, where their families come from. Oh, the Find Your Ancestry site. GUS: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I'm going to prove to your mother that I'm related to Alexander the Great. But don't tell her. Dad, you're gonna have to type in your relatives all the way back to 300 BC. You get frustrated just adding up checks. Because your mother talks to me and I lose count. Show me. Okay. This is called a mouse. Why? I don't know. Put your hand on it. Less. Good. Look on the monitor. Don't make up words. You confuse me. Okay. Move your hand on the mouse. This is your mouse moving on the screen. I got this! (LAUGHS) Down, down, save. That's delete! Go back! Oh, my God. Down, down. That's delete, Dad! No! Now what? Okay! Dot, dot. Okay. Now... No! No! (GRUNTS) Toula! 0-6-6... No, no, no. 6-0-6. 6-0... 0-6-0-6. "Quit"? No quit! 1-9-2-9. 1-2-9-9. No, no, no. Toula! Oh, no, no, don't click on that, Dad. That's porn. It's porn? (BOTH CHUCKLING) I don't know how it got there. Delete, delete, delete... (CLEARS THROAT) Nicko, wake up! Look what it's doing. Toula! (GASPS) No. No. No! Stay down. Stay. You're older than me. No, no! Stop! No eyes! Sit. How's it going, Dad? Oh, is slow. Huh. (CHURCH BELLS TOLLING) See, honey? You can't move away. Who will you go to church with? Paris, look. (LAUGHTER) Husbands. (LAUGHS) I'll be in the car. I'll go with you. Me, too. Of course. Angelo, go pick a wife. Ma, I'm not 13 anymore. Maria, Costa, we have a new family. Hi. Hello. We're the Mikoses. I'm Anna, this is my husband George. How you doin'? Hello. I am Maria Portokalos. This is my husband Costa. Gus, for short. (CHUCKLES) Do you have any children? Do you have a son? We do. We have a son. Yeah, we do have a son. Ah. Meat eaters. Maria, please invite them to our restaurant. And bring your son. Excuse me now, I have to go talk to the priest. Okay. Be careful, Gus. Your hip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLING) I know you. Oh. You must recognize my husband from the Channel Seven news. Come on, do the thing. Oh, yeah? Hey now, Chicago. (GIGGLING) (BOTH LAUGHING) Pater, look at my wedding certificate. Never signed. Will you... I'm sorry, Costa. Can't do it. (EXHALES) You're not married? Shush! How can this be? Well, you know, the war. The priest in our village, he never finished the seminary. There was no money for anything. So, I guess he just came back to the town, he start to do funerals and baptisms and weddings and nobody knew. Lucky we got married in Athens. Our priest just can't sign it? He's not allowed. What did Maria say? I don't know how I'm going to tell her. You know how upset she'll be. (LAUGHING) We're not married? No! And we had children? Yes! (ALL EXCLAIMING) I'm a hippie. (LAUGHS) "Hippie." Maria, this is serious. It's not right. Who cares? We're married now. By what's... What's that called? Time served. People will find out. We have to get married. Yeah, Dad. "You better get married. You're starting to look old." (CHUCKLING) Too soon? IAN: Mmm-hmm. The priest says he will do it. We can go today. Today? Sounds good! Let's go. Oh, okay. Okay! That's good. That's good. I'm not ready to get married just like that. We're married already. Then why do we have to see the priest? What's going on? Gus, I want you to propose to me. (LAUGHS) I did! Not really. You didn't say it right. And it's been bothering me for 50 years. What did I say? You don't remember? It was a long time ago. You said, "I'm going to America. You coming or not?" Uh... That's direct. TOULA: Dad, I can't believe you said that. What's wrong with that? I think it's fine. Honest. ILARIA: Oh, wait. I remember. You said, "I want to put a baby in you." MARIA: Nicko. I thought it was romantic. Hey! And that was the last time you tried being romantic. Nobody warns you when you get married the romance is gone just like that. Can we focus on my parents, here? Ma, what's the matter? I just don't want to get married today. (ILARIA GASPING) Maria! TOULA: Mom, hold on. Toula, do something! I'll talk to her. Everybody, out. NICK: I thought it was a good proposal. (SIGHS) Hi, Theia. A little present from me. I just did your living room. Ah. Thank you. How's my mom? Oh, your mom isn't talking to your dad until he proposes, and your dad says she's always been bossy and he won't do it. This is for you. Oh, thank you. I have tweezers. Oh, with a light. All right, I'll talk to my mom and dad after I make dinner. (CHUCKLES) No offense. You and your husband look terrible. Okay. Stop trying to fix everything. You baby your parents because you can't parent your baby no more. Your generation, you're super mommy. Then one day you wake up, you realize your baby don't need you. You forgot how to brush your hair. I don't have time to brush my hair. Text your husband. You're going on a date. Where? I don't know. Do I have to do everything? And afterward, this will help you sleep better. Hmm. Look, satin. Slippery, like an eel. Theia. That is the last thing I can think about. I need a shower, I need to dye my hair, I need wrinkle cream... Wrinkles! No. (CHUCKLES) Greek don't creak. Anyway, you know what Taki likes in bed? Oh, no. (SCATTING) Confidence. (GROWLS) That's sexy. Okay, I'm done. And dress up like a hotel maid. Men love morning room service. Sunny side up! Okay. Good talk. Take your husband on a date. Don't worry about anything. Mana-Yiayia and I will stay with Paris. I'll talk to her. I'll scare her out of moving away from her family. No, Theia. (LAUGHING) I'm just kidding. Oh. Okay. Not really. Have fun. Laugh, flirt. One rule. Don't fight. Which means don't talk about your daughter. Remember, you were a girlfriend before you were a mother. Okay. You're welcome. Shave everything. Everything. Ooh! MAN: I'll check this for you. Thank you. You're welcome. (CHUCKLES) Quick, sit down before my wife gets here. (CHUCKLES) Wow. You look pretty. Well, four hours, $500. (LAUGHS) How much? You look so handsome. Yeah? Yeah! Thanks. Aunt Voula called me up, she said, "You used to be good-looking. Get it together." Oh. So I... Buzzed my nose hairs. Ah. Well, now I know that. Who said there's no romance after marriage? Me. Me, too. Want to work on it? Okay. Don't have garlic tonight because you might get lucky. (CHUCKLES) You really think Paris is gonna go away to college? You know, Aunt Voula said that we shouldn't talk about Paris. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So, how was your day? Why can't we talk about Paris? I know. I mean, I have to. Me, too. How do we stop her from moving away? I was thinking that we could act like it's okay with us. Reverse psychology? Yeah, it always works. That's great. Or we could write a letter. "Dear admissions board, we hope you accept our daughter" "because she just got outta jail." "P.S. Do you have a student lounge where she can sell pot?" (BOTH LAUGHING) That's funny. That's funny. I don't know what I'm gonna do if she goes away. Don't. No, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Come on. Please don't. I don't know what I'm gonna do. It's gonna be okay. This is why Aunt Voula said, "Don't talk about Paris." But once you're a parent, what else do you want to talk about? I don't know. Theia Voula said to remember I was a girlfriend before I was a mother. Yeah, you were my girlfriend. Hey, remember when we were dating, you wouldn't let me drop you off in front of the house 'cause you didn't want your parents to see me? No. I didn't want you to see the house. (IAN CHUCKLES) IAN: How could I miss it? I used to park right... ...here. What's going on? I remember those good-night kisses. Oh, you do, huh? Mmm-hmm. (BOTH MOANING SOFTLY) What are you doing? Nothing. (YELLS) (LAUGHING) (MOANING) Get this off. Get it off. Do you need help? (LAUGHING) Okay, get my tie. Get it off. (BOTH MOANING) (KNOCK ON DOOR) GUS: What you doing? (GASPING) Nothing, nothing! We're just going. It's... Everything's okay. You don't have a house to do that? Oh, my God. Gus, what's wrong? (CHUCKLES) (MARIA GASPS) Perfect. Parents deserve a sex life. Said no one ever. What is going on in here? Nothing. We're just talking. Honey, by the way, we think you should go to college out of state. What is that? Reverse psychology? That never works. That never works. That never works. What's going on? I'm calling the cops. It's okay, Mrs. White. (DOGS BARKING) Quiet! Stop it! Quiet! He doesn't speak English. (SPEAKING GREEK) I've got pepper spray. Come on. Come on. Ian Miller... In the street? It is indecent. Oh, Gus, what is the problem? At least they are married. Maria! We are not married. You want decency? Tonight, you sleep in another room. Socrates, let's go. Fine! MARIA: No fine! Uh... Can I just ask? Yes, dear. Your grandparents are living in sin because your pappou won't propose. Uh, I don't get why Yiayia needs that. Because you're not a woman who has put up with Pappou for 50 years. TOULA: (SIGHS) I have to fix this. No, you don't. Where were we? No, we can't. Mmm. (LAUGHING) Oh. Oh. (GIGGLES) It's too tight. Hey, you're late today. My wife wouldn't drive me. Why not? Nothing, nothing. Lift these. (GRUNTS) I'll be back. She's gone. You Greek? Iranian. So, Persian? In 334 BC, Alexander the Great conquered the Persian army and occupied the East. You so Greek, we probably related. We had civilizations in Persia 3,000 years before you Greeks discovered rocks. The Greeks gave the world philosophy, democracy. The Chinese gave the world paper, tea and medicine. Without Scotland's Alexander Fleming, the world wouldn't have penicillin. Soon I will have proof that I am a direct descendant of Alexander the Great. (ALL LAUGHING) WOMAN: Hey! (ALL GRUNTING) He's a moody, moody bear. Did you leave the dishes in the sink like I told you? MARIA: Yes. Good. GUS: I sleep with the dog. And she don't give me my pills in the morning. She won't clean, she won't do my laundry. Anarchy. Anarchy. I don't understand. Why can't he just propose? Because he is stubborn. Oh... He's looking! Act like we're having fun. One, two, three. (BOTH LAUGHING) (SIGHS) AUNT VOULA: Oh, no, really? Oh... Reporting for my garlic bread shift. Hi. So many other things I could be doing in my senior year. Like thinking about prom? Nah, I'm not going to that. (SIGHS) Anything come from colleges yet? No. Hello, everybody. Good to see you again. Listen, my wife and son are in the car. Should I bring them in now? Good time to visit? Yes! Okay. He has a son for Paris. Ah. Did you see the hair on that Greek god? Now, I'm going to fix everything. Paris will stay in Chicago. I will be the hero, and then that woman can propose to me! Ah. (LAUGHS) Remember when you asked me out on a date? (CHUCKLES) Kinda. How about another date tonight? How about "Yeah"? I cleaned the car. Ooh. GUS: Everybody, I have a surprise! Paris, wipe your face. (LAUGHS) TOULA: Uh-huh. Dad, what are you up to? Every Greek girl should have a Greek boyfriend and I found you one. Hello. Hi. (CHUCKLES) We're getting married! You said you had a son for my granddaughter. No, he didn't. You don't listen! Come on, you can help me butter garlic bread. (CHUCKLING) Anyway, welcome to my restaurant. Our restaurant. Is in my name, which makes you my employee. Ah... (CHUCKLING) So, then I want back pay for 50 years of overtime! Ah. TOULA: Dad! Okay. Mom. Okay. Welcome, welcome. Come, let us feed you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Okay. Come on, let's go. What? We can't leave right now. All my life, I wanted to be a newscaster, but I have a very dry mouth. When I went through puberty, my tongue swelled up like a tree trunk. It's still puffy. Look. Ah. Oh, I don't want to. Oh, God, that's big. I don't want to. Ah... Maria, we have important company. I don't care! Oh. Employee, bring menus. (CHUCKLING) Get them yourself! Oh. (ALL GASPING) Yeah. Come on, Toula. Oh. I was rude to the boss. I hope I don't get fired. (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) (CHUCKLES) GUS: She's just kidding, you know. (DOOR SLAMS) GUS: (CHUCKLING) She's, uh... She's, uh... You know? Not every day, but sometimes. (SIGHS) GUS: Maria, where are you? Oh. IAN: Hey, it's Ian. Leave me a message. It's me again. I'm sorry I'm late. I am closing up. I'm coming right now. I'm sorry. (PHONE RINGING) (BOTH SCREAMING) What are you doing? The phone's ringing. Hello? (BREATHING HEAVILY) Hey, Maria. Uh... Yes. Okay. Your dad got stuck in the bathtub. She can't lift him. I got this, Ma. What's up, Dad? GUS: Hello, Nicko. Ma, you couldn't put some clothes on him? If I could, I wouldn't need you. What happened? Did he fall? It's that hip. It locked. GUS: I'm fine! MARIA: No fine! Do your physical therapy like everybody else. GUS: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, all right, we can handle this, boys. Oh, yeah. Ma, why don't you empty the tub? And put a towel over him. Okay. Thank you. Yeah, you can't un-see that. GUS: What's going on? MARIA: Just be quiet! Should I call an ambulance? No, no, that'll make him feel old. Yeah, he'd never forgive you. Me? Yeah. Yeah, you'd call, and we'd have to tell him you called. Well, what are we gonna do? When I was in the kitchen, we had to season a roast. I had to put my hands underneath it and turn it over. (GASPS) Okay, I put a towel over his private parts. GUS: A big one! Yes, Gus, a big one. IAN: Okay, what's... What's the plan? We're gonna roll him over. Yeah, and he gets on his hands and knees, and he's up! Okay, we ready? No! God, no. No. No. No. How will that work? Why are your eyes closed? (ALL GROANING) IAN: Okay. Let's go. Let's go. NICK: Flip him. Turn him over like a roast! (ANGELO GRUNTS) ANGELO: Keep the towel on! GUS: Oh! That's not the plug. ANGELO: Sorry. NICK: Ouch! He's biting! He's biting! Angelo! My nuts! I'm calling an ambulance. NICK: Who's pushing? (SIRENS WAILING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Come on. I always knew there'd be a murder here. Ah, the grandma finally went. Well, what was she, 120? Mmm-hmm. Must have slept in pickle juice. (ALL LAUGHING) (GASPS) All right, here, this will take away your pain. Twice I drank it. I gave birth without drugs. You know, one of my ovaries never put out an egg. But the other one would spit out two a month. I could feel it right here. Right there. Oh, yeah. Ping, ping. But the left ovary, nothing. It was closed like a stuck zipper. Really? Uh-huh. (AUNT VOULA SIGHS) (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) Are you okay? I still see it. (SIGHS) Does this count as a date? No. I'm sorry. MARIA: Toula! (BOTH SIGHING) I'm coming. Gus, you okay? (LAUGHING) I'm fine. No fine! Thank you so much. MARIA: Toula. Go to the hospital. Okay. What? Why? You're not coming? MARIA: No! Family members only! That means children, and wife, if you had one. What? If I... Hey, wait, wait! Maria! What? Will you marry me, please? Yes! Okay? I'll marry you! (SIGHS) Toula, take me to the hospital. Okay. I'll get my car. GUS: Oh, my hip. Such a weird family. Odd people. What? You mean "pardon"? No. I mean, "What?" As in, "What is wrong with you?" You're standing in my driveway making fun of my family? Oh, we're so weird. Oh, we smell like burnt oregano and feta cheese. I got it. I got it. But that's my dad going into that ambulance. My dad, into that ambulance, and you are standing here... Good night, everyone. I'll come to the hospital, too. (HONKING) Hi, sweetheart. Hi, Ma. Hey, Yiayia. You all right? Oh, what a night. (KNOCKING ON WINDOW) Good morning. EDIE: Hi, there. MARGE: Beautiful day today. How's your husband? He'll live. BOTH: Oh, good. So I can kill him. (BOTH CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) What was that? Basically, Mom told them to suck it. MARIA: Good. Paris, you come from a long line of strong women. TOULA: Which means, you get to choose your own seven-year-old boyfriend. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) So, Yiayia, are you and Pappou really gonna get married now? Yes. And this time, I'm doing it right. (CHUCKLES) Goodness. This one. This is the one. No, I don't like this. This one. Look, you coming out of the flower. No. What did she say... (GASPING) Beautiful! This is the most beautiful cake I ever saw. Gus is going to love it! Bravo, bravo, bravo! AUNT VOULA: Oh, look at this! Perfect! Pepto-Bismol pink. Where's the driver? ATHENA: Wow. NIKKI: A big one! This is so good. Mmm... Love it. Love it. This is good. Take a photo! Yeah, take a photo. All right, pull my neck. BOTH: One, two, pull! (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) MARIA: I'm so excited. They have to make the breasts bigger for me. Oh, look at this one! (LAUGHING) You like it? ATHENA: This is nice. MARIA: Where's Mana-Yiayia? ALL: Mana-Yiayia? IAN: Paris! PARIS: Over here, Dad. You open them. Just tell me. (EXHALES) You've been accepted at Northwestern University here in Chicago... (GASPS) ...and NYU, New York City. (BOTH GASPING AND SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) We're so proud of you! Okay, okay, okay. Decision time. Where do you wanna go to college? I'll stay here in Chicago. Okay. That's good. If that's what you want. Yeah. Dad. (GASPS) Did you hear? Paris is staying. She found a boyfriend? Dad. Toula, it very good news. Yep. Your hip is better. The physical therapy is working. It's not that therapy. I can fix it myself. Of course. (CHUCKLES) Oh! I just remembered. Today, I sent out my application for Alexander the Great. You mailed this to Find Your Ancestry? By myself. It was so hard trying to remember every name, every date. Well, you could have called Theio Panos in Greece. Oh, so my brother can tell me what I'm doing is stupid? Okay. How are the wedding preparations? Fine, but, Toula, I can't afford the kind of wedding your mother wants. I know. I was thinking we could give you some money. No, no, you need it for college. (GROANS) Are you okay? Yes, but I can't sleep without your mother snoring. You're married. You know what it's like to have that person there right beside you. In every way. You walk through your life seeing your shadow as two people. You know you can reach out in the night and that person is there. And then they're not. Because they make you stay on the couch until a priest can say it's okay. (SNIFFLES) Oh, Dad. I just made baklava. You want a piece? No. Chocolate baklava. Just a small piece. I'll bring you the tray and a fork. Put some strawberries. Okay. Mana-Yiayia? I'm gonna stay home for college. That's good, right? It's what I want. But is not. (DOOR SLAMS) (MARIA EXHALES) The wedding planner, she fired me! So, they're not getting married? (SIGHS) I have to fix this. When can you fix us? What do you mean? I mean, you're always running in and out of here, you're cooking something, you're volunteering somewhere. It's like you avoid being alone with me. But you just explained why I'm never here. Look, it's my fault, too. We're busy. But, Toula, we've been trying to have a date. I know. It's impossible. Your family pulls at you. But that's what family does. No. That's what your family does. My family doesn't pull at me. Maybe they do and you don't notice. Maybe, but... Please. Please, help me get my parents married. (CHUCKLES) Okay. Okay? Yeah. Who should we call? (DOORBELL RINGS) (SIGHS) I'm here. Thank you for coming. Oh. This is so good. JENNIE: Watch your step, Marianthi. Hi. Hi, Toula. You told the family? Of course. Mom and Dad! Look, it's Rodney and Harry! Hey, you got any of that moussaka? Hey. We just got here. Where are you? I canceled a waxing for this. Hey! Hey. Tell your problem. The wedding planner quit. Oh, you all know that. Please. What are you, new? Telephone, telegram, tell-a-Greek. Of course we know. We know everything. I tweeted it. Yeah. Aunt Voula, Toula was hoping that you would talk to Maria. Yeah, convince her to just go to the church and get it done, Theia. TOULA: Please? "Get it done"? Why? Because Dad's gonna lose it, that's why. Why convince them to just "get it done"? Look, weddings are expensive. Usually the parents pay for it. ALL: Yeah. (SNORING) But, I mean, what was with hiring a wedding planner? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, we've all had weddings. Right. Except Angelo. Hey, we're not talking about me. I'm just saying, you don't need a caterer. Exactly. We all cook. Some of us better than others. (LAUGHING) Don't start. Your baklava's dry. Accept it. Mike, can you taser her? Only once per relative. You know my rule. (SCOFFS) Look, we can have the reception at their house. I could do the hair. Angelo can get Maria the dress. I got a connection. Oh, and my business partner, he has tuxedos. He was in a band. I can do an e-mailed invitation. I can help you design it. Rodney, don't you have a friend who owns flower shops? No. Oh, yes, you do, honey. Well, let me think. Wait! Oh, funeral homes. Perfect. Okay, what else? You all wanna do this? Of course we do! Yeah, of course! Thank you. Thank you so much! Maybe everyone could pick a category. Food, glassware... The wedding is on! Pick a category, report to me. I'm in charge. Actually, Theia, you're not. Yes, it's best. No, it's... It's what everyone wants, dear. Okay. (ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Hey, Tiahn, do you want to go to prom with me? (BAND PLAYING) Tiahn, will you go to prom with me? Oh, my Buddha! They're both asking you to prom! Bennett, why are you asking my girlfriend to prom? Girlfriend? Oh. Sorry, I didn't know that you... We just started dating. So, who are you going to prom with? Yes, Clifford, I'll go to prom with you. (CHUCKLES) Harsh. TOMMY: Walk away, dude. It's not too late to change schools. Hi. Hi. Will you go to prom with me? Um... Yeah! (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Great. I'll pick you up at... No, it's okay. I'll pick you up. Sorry, what's your name? Paris. Oh. Cool. I can't believe I did that. Very brave. I heard I come from a long line of strong women. You do. (LAUGHING) IAN: You're gonna miss your grandparents' wedding. TOULA: Ah, it's okay. Prom is important. Guys? Mmm-hmm. I want to go to New York University. (SIGHS) Higher! Use your man muscles! Easy, easy. Jennie, where's the cinnamon? It's over there. I need that oven in five. I need more butter! (GAME BEEPING) (SPEAKING GREEK) (NICK SPEAKING GREEK) Toula, what's the matter? Toula? Nothing. Come on. It's okay. It's a big day. PATRICK: Okay, run this down for me. All right. So, my nephews are gonna be the waiters. Tables are there, but the plates are just gonna go in the truck. Simple as that. After the wedding, wrap it up, bring it here. Okay? All right. Yep. Here you go. Hey, uh, what's with Toula? I don't know. But she'll tell me eventually. Because, uh, well... Why keep secrets from your own family, right? He's your partner? Or your partner? He's both. I know. (RINGING) Ooh. It's the bride on the FaceTimes! What do you need, Mom? Who's gonna curl all your hairs? Everyone get over here. Come on! Let's go! We're coming! (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (LAUGHING) Tight! Yiayia, open your presents. AUNT VOULA: The pink one. The pink one. (GASPS) "With love, from Dominique." "XOXO." Who is Xoxo? I don't know. NIKKI: Okay. One more layer, and this won't move till your next wedding. There. And this is gonna last you till you graduate college. (COUGHING) Okay. PARIS: I'm good. We're good. Paris, I hear for college you are staying in Chicago. That's good! AUNT VOULA: Oh yeah, close to home. You look pretty on your big day, Yiayia. Honey mou. AUNT FREIDA: On my wedding night, I met my husband and I fainted! That was the advice our mother gave us on our wedding day. Yes. She said, "If you're too nervous to do your duties, "just pretend to faint, and your husband will take it from there." I did it. I did it. Oh, my God. I waited for Taki to scoop me up. Instead, he put a blanket over me. I slept on the cold floor by myself. Remember, Paris, not until your wedding night. Tonight you protect the poulaki. TOULA: Okay, Ma. You said it, let's move on. There's more! Of course. Didn't you leave the car running? Uh-huh. Yes. Paris, eyes open, knees shut! And you, if your knees are open, shut your eyes. (ALL LAUGHING) I always keep my eyes shut tight. Oh. Not me. Not me. I pretend Taki is a vampire from one of those movies. Sometimes he likes me to dress up like a wizard. Because he has a magic wand. Oh. Theia, I love your sex stories. Gotta go. What time is it? MARIA: Oh, yes. We're late, we gotta go! (ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) You'll help me with my dress? Of course, I will. Pluck your eyebrow. Mana-Yiayia? Have a seat. Just pick it up and go right here? Yeah. IAN: Got my size? ANGELO: Yeah. This should fit. Perfect! It's kinda short. Sparkles? What was the band? The Funkateers. They were huge. Never heard of them. GUS: Oh, look! Alexander the Great when he conquered Mesopotamia. Oh, speaking of conquering, tonight, be gentle with your bride. Oh! (BOTH LAUGHING) Taki! What? That's my brother, Panos. I, I... I don't like surprises. Gus, the kids. They did it for you. Everybody pooled their airline miles. Ian, you don't know because you're not successful like me. But when you do well, you become a sign of hope to the optimist. But to the pessimist, you represent the stink of his own failure. That was a long time ago, Gus. I send him money. He sends it back. Come on, let's go. NICK: Surprise! Congratulations on your wedding today. Thank you. Put your things in the guest room, huh? Okay. Nick, you have a big house. What do you mean by that? Oh, you know what I mean. My son works hard. He deserves a house. And I don't? You could have had this! All of it! I chose to stay in our country. I didn't abandon her then, and I won't now. I'm a real Greek! I'm a real Greek, too. Let's drink. Come on, Dad. To the homeland. To the patrida and the drachma. (SIGHS) Ah. To you, Panos, my brother. To you, Costa, my brother. To you, Nick, my brother. To you, Ian, my brother. (SPEAKING GREEK) (ALL LAUGHING) (SPEAKING GREEK) (ALL LAUGH) PARIS: Mom? Wow. Look at you. (CHUCKLES) You look great. Thank you. I'm surprised you're not on the prom chaperone committee. They asked, but I said no. Why? Do you need me to be? Oh, God, no. Okay, then. Am I always so close, you see your shadow as two people? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'm stepping back now. Go and have a great time. Tonight and to college in New York. (CHUCKLES) And even though I'm taking a step back, I will always be right here. Thank you. Okay. (BOTH LAUGHING) (DOORBELL RINGS) (BOTH GASP) That's Bennett! Okay! Get the door! Go! Go! No, don't get the door! Just go over there. Wait! What am I doing? That's stupid. Be cool, be cool. Okay, go. Okay. (POPS KNUCKLES) Your uncle hugs hard. Yeah. Was your grandma in a wedding dress? Yep. So, where was the rest of your family? Uh, who? I saw a bigger group at the college fair. Oh. Yeah. (LAUGHING) Yeah. They're like my family. Mmm. Except mine's bigger, louder, more oily and in-your-face than anyone's? No. No family is louder than my Greek family. You're Greek? Yeah. (EXCLAIMS) (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Well, Mana-Yiayia's in the house, so... I have not seen her for... Hey, Dad. Oh, Ian! Give me a hand, will you? Yeah. Here. Yeah, great. All right. I will have to return this, you know. You ever need anything? Like what? You know, from me. You need me to do anything, or you want to talk about anything? Is someone ill? No, Dad, I just... You ever need anything, I want you to call me, okay? You got it, son. Sure. Okay. See you in church, huh? TOULA: Okay, get dressed! Hey, I gotta swing by the prom, make sure the chaperones aren't drinking. Oh, no, do not spy on Paris. Never! (LAUGHING) Come on! Toula! What time is it? And why are the limousines not here? Did we order limousines? Call Mike! (SIRENS WAILING) I'll get you there as fast as I can. This is exciting! "Exciting"? (LAUGHING) All right, make a hole, fellas. Officer, Officer, go slower, please. Slower please. Just a little bit. I'll bet you Gus is nervous. (SPEAKING GREEK) (ALL LAUGHING) Faster, faster! What? MIKE: Hold on, ladies! (TIRES SCREECHING) No, no, no! Whoo-hoo-hoo. My nuts! (ALL CHEERING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (SIRENS BLARING) (CHURCH BELLS TOLLING) Oh, my. (INDISTINCT MURMURS) Oh. Beautiful. Mana-Yiayia. I love your hair. I didn't even know she had hair. Yeah. Hey, what are they doing? What's happening? (ALL LAUGHING) (LINE RINGING) (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hey, it's Ian. Leave me a message. I have an aunt who always talks like she's got, like, a piece of lamb stuck in the back of her throat. Always, she'll be, like, "Bennett! Bennett! "Say hello to your parents!" "If you see my daughter, tell her I'm upstairs." "Upstairs." (BOTH LAUGHING) So, why aren't you in Greek Club? Oh. Every day of my life is Greek Club. Mmm. Why, what do you do there? Same as they do in, like, Chinese Club and Lebanese Club and Spanish Club. We all just sit around and we eat food and we make fun of our parents. (LAUGHING) Oh, yeah? Yeah. You look so nice. Thank you. You do, too. Thanks. Hey, do you want to dance? Yes! I got some killer moves. Do you? I can boogie hard. Let's do it. Okay, then. (LAUGHS) Oh, well... (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (ALL LAUGHING) GUS: We should have brought the drinks in here. Sit down. I know, I know. (WEDDING MARCH PLAYING) Have they been drinking? (SPITS) I've been waiting a long time to do that. (LAUGHTER) She is coming. Look up. (SHUSHING) (LAUGHING) (CLEARING THROAT) (CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT) (AUDIENCE GASPING, MURMURING) GUS: Maria, what's... Where is she going? Pater. GUS: Where she's going? Toula, do something. Go, go! Okay. TOULA: Excuse us, excuse us. GUS: What? Now everybody's going. You okay? (WHISPERS) What's going on? He is not taking this seriously. (SIGHS) (LAUGHTER) Gus, go have a drink. He is now. What am I getting married for? (WHISPERS) What's happening? Who says a woman is supposed to be married? Um, you. All our lives. Because in my day, women were raised to be married. But is that it? I've been thinking, maybe I could have traveled. I could have cured diseases, wrote poetry, had adventure in my life. Instead of being saddled with a grouchy old man yelling every morning for his mineral oil so his bowels won't get backed up! (AUDIENCE MURMURING) I'm gonna get my ma. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What is it, dear? (WHISPERS) Ma, you really gotta come. She's freaking out. Come! What do men want? A companion or a nurse? Okay, here's Ma. (SIGHS) Gus is a good man. He's a crazy man. True. (SIGHS) You know, I can't do this anymore. (ALL SHOUTING) No, no, no. I'm not doing this. Toula, do something! I'm trying to not fix everything. That's not working! That's not working. That's not working. Think it over for a second. TOULA: I got nothing. (ATHENA AND NIKKI SIGHS) Ladies. Maria. Fifty years ago, Gus was so happy because he had found someone who was brave like him to come to America and live an adventure. I remember his hopeful expression. And he has that same look on his face today. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) I was brave. (SIGHS) Maybe my adventure was to make a family. Marriage is not for everybody, but it worked out okay for me. It's been a good life. It's been a good life. Ma. Psst! You are still hot. I know. Get out. (EXHALES) Dad said he can't sleep without your snoring. I don't snore, he snores. Okay. He can't sleep without me? No. (SIGHS) You know what? I love him. Ah! (CHUCKLES) Your father may be crazy, but at least I'm not a blood relative of his. You are! Sorry. (ALL LAUGHING) Ah, let's do this thing. Oh! Okay! MARIA: Hurry up! Hurry up! TOULA: Okay, okay, okay. You can do it! Okay! Okay! (LAUGHS) (WEDDING MARCH PLAYING) Thank you. (BOTH SPITTING) (LINE RINGING) Hello. (GASPS, CHUCKLES) You're here! Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Everything go smooth? Oh, no. Did you see Paris? Yeah. Say something nice. I missed you. Good enough. I missed you, too. But you snore, not me. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Wow. They're doing it. Yeah. (SIGHS) Hi. Hi. Will you marry me? (CHUCKLES) Yes. Now. Now? Now. Yes. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHS) (BAND PLAYING) (CHILDREN LAUGHING) Look what you did! (LAUGHING) We did! Come on! Huh? (SIGHS) Hey, I wasn't avoiding you. It's just, I've been a mom for so long, I don't remember how to be us. With Paris gone to college, it'll be just us. We can do whatever we want. We can take a vacation. We could adopt a baby. Think about it! Come on, just think about it. We could do anything, we're newlyweds! Yeah, we are. We are. Did you think about it? (SIGHS) Okay, too soon. Okay, just give it some thought, little bit of thought. Hey, Ma, let's go dance. Uh-uh. Hi, I'm Patrick. It's so nice to finally meet you. You look Greek. Are you? No, sir. That's okay. Don't apologize. Come on, let's dance. All my life, I had a mole on my tummy. It was shaped like Mkonos. Oh! I have so much to tell you. Come. (CHUCKLES) Look. Hi! Hey! COSTA: I'm gonna kill you! BOTH: Oh! NICK: Guys! Come on! Up you get. Leave him alone. PARIS: I'm so sorry. Come on, let's go. So sorry. Wait, guys, my nuts! Come on! Guys! Watch out. (LAUGHING) I have to do something. What? Dad, look, it came. Right there. I knew it! (LAUGHS) GUS: Wonderful! Stop! Stop the music. Thank you, thank you! (APPLAUSE) (FEEDBACK WHINES) (ON MIC) Ladies and gentlemen, this paper is an official document which proves that I, Gus Portokalos, am a direct descendant of Alexander the Great. (ALL CHEERING) Of course you are! Hey, that means we all are! Yes, we are! Yes, yes, yes! (BAND PLAYING) Look! You see that? Alexander the Great! Did you write that letter? Yep. Mmm-hmm. The paper? I'm going to frame this. Yes. There you go. It's pretty loud back there. Want to join us? (DOG WHINING) Come on! Well, I could eat a little something. I'm thirsty. Really? Yeah, it's... Come on! ELIZABETH: Where are you from? PARIS: Chicago. You? ELIZABETH: Boston. Anyway, I'm Elizabeth. I'm Paris. Um, are they staying? Right. We're going. Call me on the FaceTimes. AUNT VOULA: Don't forget to eat. NICK: Call me when you need me. TOULA: Bye. Bye-bye! Okay. IAN: Okay, let's go. All right. Bye, honey. Bye. Bye. IAN: Bye, honey. Bye. Bye, sweetie. Bye. MARIA: Bye-bye! Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. IAN: Let's go, honey. Bye! Bye! IAN: Bye. TOULA: Bye.