Restaurant Opening

We are gonna need to steam these tablecloths.

They are too wrinkly.

Then do Ed.

I take a steam every morning.

For five minutes, I look like Scott Baio.

Then the mirror un-fogs, and I'm Sir Ben Kingsley.

Gentlemen, the Outdoor Man Grill, featuring exotic meats from around the world, is right on schedule for a soft opening tomorrow night.

Yeah, this dry run is a great idea.

You get to work out all your screw-ups, like you do with your first kid.

Hey.

I'm your first kid.

And you see how well Eve's turned out.

Aww.

I don't know, Mikey, it feels a little chilly.

Mike: Yeah, I know.

Uh, studies show that lower temperatures increase food sales.

People can't eat as much when it's hot.

Yeah? Have you ever been to the South?

"Mississippi Burning" has nothing to do with calories.

I'll tell you that.

I'm talking about ambiance.

I like a place that reminds me of meals shared with family and friends and...

Yeah, yeah, like when the Indians brought the corn, and you brought them turkey.

That's funny. Excuse me.

I'm gonna discuss the menu with the sous chef.

And you're still friends with the Sioux?

Hey, Mr. B? Can I talk to you?

Um, I was wondering if I could be a waiter.

I don't want to spread you too thin.

You're already in a job you're no good at.

It's just I could really use the tips.

The tip is get better at the job you're no good at.

Kyle, I-I told you you could help us out with valet parking.

Is that okay with you, Mr. B?

Fine.

All right.

I mean, "valet" does not class up the résumé like the word "waiter."

Who am I kidding? I'm gonna die in this place.

Why did Kyle ask you if he could be a waiter?

He didn't even think to talk to me.

So, him not talking to you is a bad thing?

Dad... Dad, if I'm gonna be taken seriously as a manager, I need everyone to know that I am in charge.

Mr. Baxter, which napkin fold do you prefer...

Bishop's hat or pyramid?

I think you should ask the manager.

Pyramid... Simple. Classic.

Thank you, Dad.

That was a good call.

Nobody wants a bishop's hat in their lap.

Oh.

Oh.

Andre tells me you're not planning to have bread on the tables?

People who fill up on free bread don't tend to buy dessert.

That's nonsense.

We want the inviting aroma of baked goods wafting through the air.

Ed, I'm the manager, and I get to decide what wafts, okay?

Trust me. I know my customers.

Bread on every table, hmm?

What, but... uh, but we don't even have bread baskets.

Yes, but we have a warehouse full of bait buckets.

Throw the bread in those.

I'm sorry.

I didn't really see this as a bait-bucket kind of a place.

No need to apologize. You'll catch on.

I love these little hat napkins.

Go with these.

(Laughs) Hey, Mrs. Baxter.

Hey, Cammy.

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, there's my math book.

I told you I left it here.

Where have you guys been?

Batting cage.

Mm, and to escape, you had to give them all your girl clothes?

Now, don't feel bad.

Mandy made fun of my outfit, too.

I apparently look like a float in the A.A.R.P. parade.

Thanks for helping with my swing.

This church softball league is rough.

Well, remember what I told you about trash talk...

Don't cry.

Sorry. You're just really good at it.

I'll be in the stands on Saturday.

Anyone tries to give you a hard time, they'll have to talk to me.

(Chuckles)

Oh, watch out for Pastor Clark.

When the collar comes off, commandments 3, 4, 8, and 10 go right out the window.

(Chuckles)

See you.

Bye.

See you.

Ahh.

(Sighs)

So... how was your date with Cammy?

Shut up. It was just batting practice.

Ooh, anyone get to first base or...

(Smooches) Second base...

Or... Adopt a cat together?

Hey, I know that she came back for her math book, but what I saw was all chemistry!

Cammy's my friend, okay?

Sure, she thinks I'm awesome, but it would be weird if she didn't.

Mm.

Did you see her blush when she hugged you goodbye?

Her cheeks got all rosy...

O'Donnell!

There's a bat right here, and I know exactly how to use it.

Of course, Mom's gonna be sad when she finds out she'll never be a grandma.

Well, she is a grandma.

And I like guys, all right?

Yeah, how you gonna break that to Cammy?

Hey.

Want some tea, Kris?

What I want is some damn respect.

Want some tea, your majesty?

Ed keeps overruling me on every single thing at the restaurant.

He's undermining me in front of my staff.

Oh, I have been there. Believe me.

In my career, I've had to deal with plenty of old-school guys.

Geology attracts some pretty macho men.

So did the village people.

Some men just have issues with strong women.

That's not true.

No?

Men like strong women.

Uh, Margaret Thatcher, Angela Merkel, huh?

Bush couldn't keep his hands off her.

Well, I don't think Ed is being sexist.

He's just known me forever.

How can he think of me as a boss when he's seen me in my diapers?

Walk in on him getting dressed, and you'll be even.

Hey, Dad, we are opening tomorrow.

Can you please talk to Ed and tell him to stop second-guessing me in front of the staff?

I could, but I'm not going to do that.

Mom, can you please talk to dad about talking to Ed?

I don't have much pull with him.

You're better off going through Eve.

I'm listening.

Dad, you have been Ed's partner for 25 years.

I think you would be better off handling him.

If you want Ed to take you seriously, you don't want your dad handling this for you.

You want to take charge?

Take charge.

Dad's right.

(Chuckles)

And you wonder how come she has so much pull around here.

(Indistinct conversations)

Are you sure I can't tell you what kind of meat you just ate?

Nope, nope, 'cause I really, really enjoyed it.

Was it in "The Lion King"?

(Chuckles) Had a big number in the first act.

Oh, no, please.

Stop talking. Just...

All right. Hakuna Matata.

Ohh!

It is going great.

Yes.

We are booked solid, and there is a line outside.

Is that your way of saying you need the table?

No, enjoy yourselves. Order dessert...

To go.

(Chuckles)

I couldn't possibly.

I'm so full from all this bread.

It's some night, Mikey. Hey.

Ah, Vanessa, you're enjoying the bread, huh?

Oh, yeah, I am. (Chuckles)

What happened to the bait buckets?

The buckets on the table made it look like the roof was leaking, so I went with baskets instead.

That's a little middle-of-the-road, but it's always safer to drive there, huh?

Actually, Ed, it's not.

Well, let's get going.

We got to get on the road before Ed does.

Sweetie, you've done a great job.

Thank you.

And it looks like you figured out a way to deal with Ed.

Now we give our valet ticket to Kyle and see what car he brings us.

(Laughs)

You ordered the antelope, huh?

A little tricky to hunt because they're so fast.

Fortunately, bullets are faster.

(Laughs)

And you've got the quail.

Beautiful plumage.

Yeah, you should hear them squawk when we yank them out.

Just kidding. We twist off the heads first.

Is everything okay here?

No, it's certainly not.

Uh, we need bread on the table here.

(Chuckles)

Um, maybe they would like to save room for dessert.

Hugo. More bread for these lovely people.

Excuse us.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah. Excuse me.

Make it quick. I have a restaurant to run.

Do not send Hugo to do something when I have him clearing a table.

I have an efficient system in place, and you are gumming it all up with bread.

People are having fun, and having fun is more important than just efficiency.

The people outside waiting for that table might disagree.

I'm on it.

Hugo, some bread for the people waiting outside.

Oh, hey, Mr. Alzate. Your guests have arrived.

Oh, there you (Chuckles)

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Kristin, get these folks a table.

Do they have a reservation?

Uh, they don't need a reservation to eat at my restaurant.

They do when we don't have any place to seat them.

All right.

Kyle, uh, get some chairs and tables from the back.

All right? Just push them together.

It'll be a little crowded, but fun.

You know, family-style fun.

W-we don't have enough wait staff for extra tables.

I can fix that.

Kyle, you are now a waiter.

A waiter?

Thank you.

I've always wanted to say, "fresh pepper, madame?"

Kyle, you are not a waiter.

You're firing me?

Can I at least finish my shift?

I need you to park cars, Kyle.

And I need you to stop interfering.

You may be the boss at Outdoor Man, but you don't know the first thing about running a restaurant.

I am the manager, so please get out of my way and let me do my job.

So, I'm in the way, huh?

All right, well, that can easily be resolved.

It's not right for you to talk to Mr. Alzate that way.

He's a great man, and he deserves our respect.

I'm the one not getting any respect around here, Kyle.

Maybe it's hard for people to respect you when the only reason you got this job is because of your dad.

Oh, uh, and by the way, Applebee's might be calling you for a reference.

I trust you'll be professional.

Did you like the leftover venison I put in your omelet?

Yes, I did.

Would you go so far as to say it was deer-licious?

No, I-I wouldn't.

And I... and I wish you wouldn't.

What are you gonna do about this blow-up between Kris and Ed?

I'm not gonna do anything about it.

None of my business, you know?

They fight it out, and maybe they'll kill each other.

We own the restaurant. We become rich.

(Knock on door)

You know why I hate French doors?

You can't pretend like you're not home.

Vanessa: Come on in, Cammy.

Hi, Mr. Baxter. Hi, Mrs. Baxter.

Is Eve okay? Because I texted her a bunch of times, and she didn't text back, so I called her, and she never called me back.

So I came by to see if she was here. Is she here?

Uh, yeah, she's here.

You, uh... you want some coffee?

Aah!

You know the best thing about having a job?

I get to leave.

I love you, honey.

Oh, I love you, too, Mr. Baxter.

He was probably talking to you.

Yeah.

Hey. What are you doing here?

I brought you something?

Wow. A mug with pictures of us.

Mm-hmm.

At school, at soccer.

Huh. I don't remember that one.

Oh, uh, I didn't have one of us hugging, so I pasted your face over my mom's.

That is so great.

Eve, you are so lucky to have a girlfriend like Cammy.

Y-you know, boys may come and go, but I feel like you guys are gonna be together forever.

Just backpacking across Europe, maybe sharing an apartment together.

That would be great!

(Chuckles)

You're gonna need another travel mug for all those memories you make.

Oh, uh, I forgot the best part.

Look inside.

Okay.

Wow.

Tickets to Ed Sheeran.

Yeah, he's playing the Pepsi Center on Saturday.

I know you really like him, so...

Yeah, I do.

Um... so, it's a date?

What's wrong?

Um... I-I don't want to go.

You... Don't want to go, but (Chuckles) I got the tickets for you... For us.

I-I just don't want to go with you, okay?

I mean, we see each other a lot, and I have other friends that don't make weird mugs of us hanging out together.

Uh, I thought you'd like it.

Well, you put my face on your mom's body, and she's wearing a bikini.

It's just all kinds of wrong.

I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable.

Just, um, keep the tickets.

Wait, no, no, no, no.

You... you bought them.

You must have someone else you can take.

Not really.

I don't even like Ed Sheeran.

I just like that you did.

Oh, and I wouldn't think it was weird if you put my head on your mom's body. Yeah.

It'd be an honor.

Hey.

Dad, I told you not to let him watch TV.

He's not watching TV. He's sleeping.

He fell asleep...

Watching TV.

Ah, you made him watch PBS?

That's right.

Put him out quicker than Benadryl in his pudding.

I assume.

I saw the receipts from the restaurant.

You're having a great week, honey.

Yeah, we are really settling into a nice rhythm.

Ah! Big tanks are mine!

Those are mine! Okay.

It helps that Ed isn't there comping drinks and trapping people at their tables with his endless stories.

Trust me, his stories aren't endless.

They're all gonna end in about four or five years.

He gave away $200 worth of appetizers that first night.

He's like the Obama of calamari.

He figures everybody should get it, even if they're too lazy to order it for themselves.

Are you comparing Ed to Obama to try and get me to take him back?

I'm just saying Ed has always been into customer service.

It's a good thing... shaking hands, telling stories.

Turn your friends into customers.

Customers into friends... and the best kind of friends...

Give you money and walk away.

So, you think I was wrong to get him to butt out?

I think Ed has something to offer the restaurant besides the affordable calamari act.

But, honey, ultimately, you're the manager.

You got to make that call.

Okay, well, if it's my call, I-I think we're doing better without him.

There you go.

Got to get up.

(Sighs) He's really out.

You were joking about the Benadryl in the pudding, right?

Yeah, I-I... yeah.

Hey.

Hey.

Army practice went late tonight.

We expecting a big war?

I wish.

Just night maneuvers.

(Chuckles) Night maneuvers.

I used to enjoy those when I was in high school.

Yeah, but I sure as hell didn't dress like that for them.

Look, I think you might be right about Cammy.

Duh! Saw your little love mug.

Mandy, it was so awkward.

She asked me to this concert, but I said no.

And now she won't talk to me.

(Scoffs) Break-ups are hard.

Okay, this isn't funny.

I've known Cammy since kindergarten, and I still want to be her friend.

All right.

Well, I'm sure you said everything that you needed to...

That you're not interested, but you still care about her.

You'll support her no matter what, et cetera.

I may have skipped over the caring and supporting part.

Look, I've been in your shoes a million times before.

Not those shoes.

(Laughing) Those might be the reason why girls are hitting on you.

The thing is, when a friend has a crush on you, you kind of want to let them down easy.

Do you think there's a chance that Cammy and I can still be friends?

Yeah, totally.

I'm friends with tons of people I've rejected, like, um, Tyler, Kevin, Connor, uh, Jennifer.

Um, Ethan, Mr. Jenson...

Mr. Jenson? Wait.

What? Oh.

No, not the science teacher. Don't be gross.

No, I'm talking about Becca's dad.

Honey, you want to order a few plates to share?

Or I could just order what I want and eat all of it.

Or you could just be nice for once.

Which one of those gets me more shrimp?

Hey.

Hey.

Sorry I haven't checked in.

We are swamped. Yeah.

I have had to bus tables, run credit cards.

Some old guy asked me to blow on his soup, which might be a good reason to retire this top.

You want me to punch him?

You said he was old, right?

Excuse me.

Are you the manager?

Sure am. How can I help you?

Could you tell me about the elk?

Wonderful choice.

It's a marinated strip steak served in a red-wine reduction.

No, I mean how did it die?

I'm... sorry?

The last time we were here, the other manager told us a colorful story about ostrich hunting in Senegal.

I loved it.

Herb thought it was a bit dry.

The story or the ostrich? (Chuckles)

The ostrich.

The story was why we came back.

Could you excuse me a minute? (Chuckles)

Dad. Quick.

Uh, how do you kill an elk?

Oh, all right.

You want to wait outside the lodge until last call, then hit him with a tire iron.

No.

Apparently, Ed told this lady one of his hunting stories, and now she wants another one.

Sorry, tonight, I'm just a customer.

You know, once I killed a yellow jacket with a rolled-up newspaper, you know, if that helps.

It doesn't.

Honey, you've hunted elk. Why don't you help her?

I am helping her.

Oh, I know.

You're doing your "helping by not helping" thing?

Is that it? Yeah?

That's kind of how you helped me raise the kids.

Look, in a good puppet show, you don't see the strings.

Right this way.

How did you hear about us?

A review in the Denver post.

Oh, I thought that wasn't coming out until tomorrow.

It's online tonight, and they're very complimentary.

Oh, wonderful. Enjoy your meal.

Dad.

We got our first review. Ooh, what is it?

Don't worry about what the food snobs think, okay?

They loved us. Yay!

Very often, they're... They're right on target.

"Great food, great service, but the highlight was the personal touch provided by owner Ed Alzate regaling patrons with his tales of hunting and adventure.

Felt like dinner with a favorite Uncle.

Flawless experience all around."

Well, they probably didn't valet-park.

That's great, honey. Congratulations.

Yeah.

Mr. Alzate?

Yes?

Hey, uh, one of our customers wants to hear a story about hunting elk, and I don't know anything about that.

Could you help me out?

Well, you sure I wouldn't be in your way?

No.

I would really appreciate it.

Do you have a minute?

It'll take 20 minutes to do the story justice, 30 if I show my scars.

Uhhh... Let's do the 20-minute version.

You're the manager.

But if I need a big finish, the shirt's coming off.

Hello, hello, hello. I'm Ed Alzate, the owner.

(Doorbell rings)

Hi, Cammy.

Eve, right? (Chuckles)

I recognize you from a mug I wasted 10 hours on.

What do you want?

(Sighs)

You're ignoring me at school, and you won't take my calls.

And to you, that means, "please come over"?

Look, I... I just wanted to say thank you for the Ed Sheeran tickets.

I'm on my way to the show now.

Have a good time.

And I was hoping to take a really good friend, someone I've known since kindergarten who really means a lot to me and I didn't realize how much until I treated her badly.

I guess I should feel better I'm not the only one you did that to.

I'm talking about you, idiot.

I'm trying to apologize.

I know.

I'm just making you work for it.

Look, I don't know what's going on with you about guys or girls or... whatever.

I might be better if I went with "whatever."

I just want you to know that none of that matters to me.

I want to be your friend no matter what.

I want that, too.

Cool.

So, should we go to the concert?

I have to change.

No, Cammy, I accept you as you are.

I mean my clothes, idiot.

I know. I'm just making you work for it.

Next time, try the salmon, and I'll tell you a great story how I wrestled one away from a bear.

Or try the bear, and I'll tell you the same story.

(Laughs)

Ohh.

(Chuckles)

(Sighs)

We had a really good night, partner.

That's great, 'cause I'm running out of hunting stories.

Earlier tonight, I started stealing from Hemingway.

(Chuckles)

Hey, Mr. Alzate?

Yeah?

Uh, can I close up the valet stand now?

All the cars are gone. Oh, and good news...

This time, no keys left over.

Well, direct all your questions to the boss.

You mean the person who only got her fancy job because she's related to someone?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're talking about a first-rate manager, all right, that we're lucky to have, whose judgment I've come to respect, especially since she recognized the value of my advice.

I'm sorry Kristin.

I mean, miss B.

It's okay, Kyle.

Go ahead and close up the stand.

All right.

Hey, thank you for coming back, Ed.

And for not making me eat crow.

You're not missing anything.

It tastes just like seagull.