Sweet Dee Gets Audited

Dennis: Hey, guys, why are the urinals filled with rocks?

Charlie: Oh, 'cause I put a bunch of rocks in 'em.

Oh, okay, why?

Well, you know how they were broken, so I was, like, filling them with ice.

Now the ice machine's broken, so I'm just filling them up with rocks.

You know that doesn't make any sense, right?

Replacing the ice with rocks?

The ice actually served a purpose...

Oh, oh, God!

Oh, something just dripped in my mouth!

Yeah, the ceiling is leaking.

Frank: Oh, that's gross.

What'd it taste like?

What'd it taste like?

Who gives a sh1t what it tasted like, Frank?

Dude, what the hell?

You have been docking our paychecks lately so that you could pay for sh1t like this around the bar.

Why is nothing fixed?

Yeah, by the way, I never agreed to let you dock my paycheck.

Mac: That seems like something we should all vote on.

(horn honking)

It costs money to run this place and keep it main...

Sweet Dee: Hey-oh!

What's up, bitches?

What the sh1t is this?

New scooter.

My surrogate money came in.

30 G's, babies.

Oh, sweet. Where's our cut?

Your cut?

Whoa, hey, Mac makes a really good point.

Yeah, we worked our asses off on that baby scheme of yours.

Give us part of the money that you made.

What the hell are you talking about?

You did nothing for nine months.

Get out.

You couldn't have pulled something like that off without us.

Yeah, they drove you to the hospital, they picked you up.

I was there, I recall.

Okay, I made all the contacts, I pushed that little monkey out and now I'm going to be claiming him as a dependent and getting tax breaks for the next 18 years.

So you talk about a scheme?

How's that for a long-term scheme, bitches?

Uh, you guys all better eat a dick, 'cause Sweet Dee beat the system.

Oh, no, no, no, lady.

Sorry. Get out.

Whatever god you're selling, I ain't buying it.

Miss Reynolds, I'm with the IRS.

We've been trying to contact you for months.

Have you not received any of our letters?

Letters? What is it, 1986?

I don't do letters, lady.

I'm all digital.

Well, if you had opened up the letters you would understand that you're being audited.

Audited?

Why?

What are you talking about?

I'm not scamming the government, if that's what you're saying.

Your license plate says "$CAMMIN."

Uh, no.

What do you mean no?

Yes.

Okay, I want to talk to you about this dependent that you're claiming-- this, uh, Barnabas Reynolds.

Yes, I would love that.

(scooter engine starting)

I would love that because I love to talk about little Barney, I do.

But now's not a great time, you know what I mean?

Because I left him in the car-- with the window down of course.

It's hot.

It's hot, isn't it?

Well, is there a better time?

Would 3:00 work?

3:00 sounds great.

I can't wait for 3:00.

Hey, Frank, we need to talk.

We don't want you making any major bar decisions alone anymore.

Because you're sleazy and we don't trust you.

Yeah, we want to vote on things now, okay?

We want a democracy.

(laughing)

Well, that ain't gonna work.

Because you guys get really emotional about everything.

You'll start arguing about sh1t and nothing will get done.

We know we're emotional people and we've discussed that.

We think we have a solution.

We're going to have a daily meeting where we will discuss all bar matters.

Emotion will be suppressed and reason will prevail.

Reason will prevail!

Oh, yeah, we decided also that we would say "Reason will prevail," every time someone says...

Reason will prevail!

You don't have to say it right now, because I'm just explaining to Frank that reason will prevail...

Reason will prevail!

Again, you don't have to say it right now.

I'm just explaining... If we're going to say it, we're gonna say it every time.

If you made up the rule...

Okay, I'll tell you what-- I like this.

You do?

Yeah.

We should definitely do this to make everything fair.

Everything aboveboard.

Let's go do it in there.

Come on.

(pounding)

The first meeting of Paddy's congress shall commence henceforth.

Oh, first order of business.

Yeah?

Let's talk about how Frank handles the money.

Yes.

Money, money, money, money, money, money...

Whoa, whoa.

I know we got to talk about the money, but there are other issues that are pressing, too.

Like what, dude?

Like one that comes to mind is the dead dog.

What dead dog?

The dead dog in the alley.

It's been there for about a week.

Yeah, and we decided that Charlie was going to throw it in the trash.

No, you decided that.

We never got a vote.

If Mac and I got to vote on that, we would have voted to, like, you know, have a proper dog burial.

That's a waste of time and resources.

Okay, well, hold on a second there, Frank.

Let's put our new process into action.

I think the guys should have a opportunity to state their case in a rational and unemotional way.

Guys, you have the floor.

Yeah.

All right, sure. Easy.

All right. No problem.

Okay...

Uh, okay, sometimes dogs die.

Right.

Um, dogs, uh... die from cars sometimes.

Sometimes not.

There's also... Disease.

There's also disease in America and abroad.

Many dogs... Goddamn it!

I don't know how to express myself unless through anger and personal attack!

I'm getting very upset, because I'm not saying it right!

All right, guys, guys...

I want a dog funeral!

Guys, calm down.

I'm going to step in here and I'm gonna speak for you for a moment, if I may.

I don't think it's a good idea for us to spend all of our hard-earned cash on some ornate display for the disposal of what amounts to an animal carcass.

An animal that we never knew-- or had a relationship with.

So I'm going to-- I'm going to go ahead and say that I think we should just throw it in a Dumpster.

Come on!

Oh... But, but, but, we'll have a candle on site.

We'll light it.

We'll have a boom box there and you guys can say a few words.

Huh. I don't love it.

Me neither.

But that dog is turning into hot soup out there in the sun.

Okay.

Frank?

Fine.

Okay!

Hey, it works.

Great. See, Frank, we can get through these issues and be unemotional about it.

That's one issue off the docket right there.

Next issue.

Let's talk about the money.

Money, okay... Oh, yes, we're going to talk about the money, but we have a list of things on the docket here that we've got to check off.

And if we're gonna do it right, we're gonna do it right.

And the next thing on the list is limes and how we slice them.

Thick or thin?

Okay, let's talk about the limes, guys.

We'll keep emotion out of it.

Reason will prevail.

Reason will prevail.

Okay, I think the limes should be cut a bit thinner.

What the hell?!

Thin limes?!

People will choke!

People will die!

Calm down.

Charlie, Charlie, take emotion out of it.

Charlie's got a point.

One of the cornerstones of Paddy's Pub is thick limes.

Yeah, don't tell me... I'm going to put my thumb through your eye, you little bitch!

No, no, no. Shh.

Stay calm, stay...

Hey, hey, hey, look at me.

Look at me, eh?

Stay calm with me, okay?

Be unemotional.

Let's-Let's be democratic.

Let's put this thing to a vote.

A vote?

A vote solves everything in a democracy, does it not?

Yes.

So, all for thinner limes, raise your hands.

And all for thicker limes, raise your hands.

Now, there you go.

That's a democracy in action.

That's two votes against two votes.

A perfect example of when democracy has failed.

Good news, Dee!

We have decided to occasionally let you vote on some pressing matters in the bar as we see fit.

What?

Where do you land on thick limes or thin limes?

And try and keep your emotions out of it even though people could choke and die.

What are you talking about?

What's, what's going on in here?

Are you having another baby?

No! No, it's fine, okay?

I have it all under control.

I just, I'm getting audited.

Audited? Oh, she's screwed.

That's the tax man?

Yeah.

I'm not screwed.

I got it all under control, okay?

I've got a handle on it.

I just got to find a baby by 3:00 in the afternoon.

Just get out. Just get out now.

Hmm, a vote for thin limes would get me out of your apartment.

Better yet, a vote for thick limes, I'll throw myself full force into this little baby caper of yours.

I don't need your help.

Look, Dee, you need our help, we need your help.

Let's work something out here.

I don't know which stance you're gonna do, and I don't wanna do it.

Stop, stop standing like me.

Okay, yeah, let's help each other out, okay?

I got an idea.

You guys go magically find me a baby by 3:00 in the afternoon, and then I'll-I'll help you out with your lime problem.

Okay.

Yeah.

What?

We can get you a baby.

Yeah, you want, we'll get you a baby, no magic required.

How many babies you need?

Yeah.

Just the one baby.

How long? Couple hours?

3:00 this afternoon.

No, no.

How long you need it for?

You want it for life or you...?

Just a short-time baby.

Just a short-time baby.

Just a short-time baby? Easy.

Oh, my God, you guys, this is so exciting!

Oh, this is amazing!

You have no idea how much you're helping me.

Okay, let's see, um, all right, I tell you what.

Here's how to handle your lime situation.

It has been decided.

We are now the Pickle Party.

And Dee has joined us.

We are going to vote for pickles in the bar instead of limes.

What are you talking about?

It doesn't matter.

The point is, our three votes will always beat your two.

We win, dude.

We're the winners, okay?

Give me a beer with a pickle in it.

Well, what happens when you three disagree with each other?

We're not going to disagree.

That is the point of the Pickle Party, we're very aligned on these issues.

Charlie, you can't just start your own party.

You got to talk to people about...

Yes, you can.

You can?

If you're not as educated or as informed, what you do is you start your own party and you yell the loudest.

We want attention!

Okay, all right, yeah, sure.

No, you're the Pickle Party.

Great. Okay, so let's just accept that and move on.

Yes, Frank, move on.

Reason will prevail.

Pickles will prevail!

(Mac laughs)

Okay, well, the next issue on our list should be a pretty easy one for the Pickle Party to agree on.

"A crucifix in the bar."

Ah, you are right, this is an easy one.

Why wouldn't we have a crucifix in the bar?

'Cause we're a bar.

Right, but we're an Irish Catholic bar.

We're an Irish bar.

Yeah, Irish Catholic bar, and therefore a giant wooden crucifix is a celebration or our heritage.

Giant?

Yeah.

How big of a crucifix do you want?

Big. It should be the centerpiece of the whole room.

I mean, it should dominate every conversation.

That's gonna be terrifying!

It should be terrifying.

That's how you know God loves you, Charlie.

I don't want a giant bloody man in the bar scaring the customers, and most importantly, me!

You see that, Frank?

I saw it.

I just played them like a fiddle.

A goddamn fiddle.

What do you want?

I want in on the action.

Whatever it is that you got going on around here, I want a piece of it, okay?

You see, Frank, you might not know this, but you need me.

People don't trust you, Frank.

You're a piece of sh1t and you're ugly and you ooze sleaze and you're very, very ugly.

All right, I'm gonna make you my puppet.

Right here.

Puppet.

Look, I've been cooking the books in the bar for years.

I faking knew it.

I mean, all kinds of avenues and shell corporations.

It's all fake and it's all in here.

Let me see.

Check it out right there.

Oh, man, holy sh1t.

What, what is this one?

"Wolf Cola"?

Wolf Cola, that's a bogus soda distributor.

I made it up. It's fake!

(both laugh)

Look, the whole idea is the more corporations that you can plant offshore...

Right.

...the more money you can rake in.

Da-da-da! I don't care about any of these details, but I like these figures I'm seeing.

All right, I'll be the puppet and do my dance, and you can keep the goddamn details to yourself.

Uh! I don't think I hear any arguing out there.

So we can have the crucifix, but it needs to be in the back of the bar.

See? I can live with that.

That's a compromise right there, man.

All right!

Pickle Party compromise!

Huh-huh-huh!

Tasteful crucifix party.

Hey-hey-hey, all right!

Sounds like you guys came to a compromise.

That's great. We cross the crucifix issue off the list.

One quick question before I do, though.

How bloody is this guy gonna be?

Not bloody at all.

Very bloody.

What?

He's gotta be drenched in blood.

I mean, covered in blood.

Why?

Well, that's the whole point.

You need to see the wounds of Christ.

He needs to be ravaged.

Oh, God, dude, it's bad enough I'm gonna let you put the stupid cross up in the first first place...

Stupid cross?!

You son of a bitch, I knew it!

I knew it! I knew it!

Don't make fun!

That's the whole point!

Do it peaceful-like!

It's a massacre!

There's nothing peaceful.

I don't want to look at a massacre!

So, according to our records, you are claiming a dependent for which you have no official documentation.

Yes?

(Dee gulps)

Are you okay?

You're sweating profusely.

Oh, no, yes, yes, I, um, I'm just very worried.

You know, the babysitters were supposed to bring the baby back by 3:00, and where are you?

Where are you guys?

I understand.

Crying baby!

Crying baby here!

Oh, my God.

There's my sweet baby.

Excuse me, won't you?

Come on. Let's go.

(crying continues)

You guys, you found a baby!

Where did you find a baby?

Oh, you guys, I love you so much.

Where...?

Okay, Dee, which crucifix do you find more tasteful?

(crying continues)

Are out of your goddamn minds?

What is this? Where's the baby?

Do you really want a kidnapping on top of all the other sh1t you got going on right now?

We had a plan! We had a plan!

She's totally buying it, okay?

Come on. Make a decision.

Yeah, but for how long?

She could be out there for for hours.

And I have to produce a real baby!

Stop thinking about your problems and start thinking about our problems.

(Dee groaning)

Dee, calm down, calm down.

You are so emotional right now.

And so wet, too.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna kill you.

Okay, okay, just shut up for a second, let me think.

All right, yes, go to the bar.

That'll get me out of here and buy me some time to get this bitch off my balls.

Bye!

Very, very sick baby.

Very sick baby!

It's so sad when they don't feel well, isn't it?

Lock up, won't you, on your way out?

And let's definitely reschedule.

Let's do. Shh!

Hey, yeah, so I was thinking about my title, because I think it should be "Vice President of Worldwide Disibution."

But you don't need a title.

What I need you to do for the next three weeks is to deflect Mac and Charlie.

That's easy.

I can do that, Frank.

That's what I'm good at.

But I am gonna need a business card, 'cause I want to be able to hand that sh1t to people, so they know that I am in a place of power.

It's not important.

It's important to me, Frank!

And I know that what's important to you is money and power, but I don't want real power, because with real power comes real responsibility, and I don't want any of that sh1t.

I just want the money.

And the illusion of power.

And puss.

What?

Hell, I don't know, Frank.

I don't know, man.

What?

Tell me, tell me.

I need something.

I mean, I got this, uh... this giant gaping hole inside me.

Oh.

And I'm-I'm always trying to fill it with something.

I like to call it my, uh, my God hole.

Oh.

And I think a lot of people in this world, they-they fill it with religion.

But I don't believe in God.

But you want to fill it with pussy.

Yeah.

Yo!

Hey, Dennis and Frank, you here?

Yeah, oh, oh!

Good. Guys, we got to help Dee with her tax audit situation.

So, Dennis, please, if you could take the floor.

W-Wait, wait.

What tax audit situation?

Oh, right.

Okay, so Dee's baby scheme blew up in her face and now she's getting audited.

Deandra, did you tell the IRS you work here?

Of course I did.

We can't have the IRS looking around our books.

Why?

What's wrong with our books?

Let me step in here.

Um, I think what you're trying to say is that the IRS poking around our bar business is no good for anyone.

Look, it's gonna be best for all of us to get the IRS off of Dee's back.

Okay.

So, as the only rational and emotionless person here, I'm gonna tell you guys what we need to do.

See, you've all been trying to convince the IRS that Dee's baby is alive.

What you really need to be doing is convincing the IRS that Dee's baby is dead.

(bagpipes playing "Amazing Grace")

This is dark.

Darkest thing we've ever done.

Mm-hmm.

Oh. Hello.

I'm looking for Dee Reynolds.

Yes.

Won't you have a seat please?

What's going on?

Baby croaked.

Oh, yes.

Oh, my God.

This is insane, right?

Mm-hmm.

I mean, this definitely feels like emotion trumping reason, correct?

Yep.

Also, dude, I'm sorry, but is this the size you had in mind?

Yes.

It's too big.

It's not too big.

You should just be happy I didn't spray it down yet.

No, you're not getting any more blood.

That's it.

"He was my sweet angel..."

All right, Dee, here we go.

It's showtime. Are you ready?

Okay, I have a couple questions.

Yeah?

I'm getting nervous, Dennis, 'cause I don't think I can do the speech that you wrote.

Let me hear some of it.

Okay, and this is the thing, I-I can't, I can't cry on command.

Jesus Christ, Dee.

I mean, how are you planning on becoming an actress at all?

You can't make people laugh, 'cause you're not funny, you can't cry on command.

What can you do?

I-I can try harder, but it's just that...

All right, well, the good news is I anticipated this, so I brought...

What's that?

...a bit of chili powder.

I'm gonna blow this directly into your eyes, and trust me, you'll cry.

Okay, is that safe though?

Is this...?

Well, it's, you know, it's safe enough.

Let's give it a try, shall we?

(Sweet Dee gasping)

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Shh-shh-shh.

Oh, sh1t!

Oh!

Shh-shh-shh.

Okay, listen, listen, listen.

Save it, save it!

We're starting.

Ready?

We're starting, Dee.

Break a leg.

(bagpipes continue playing)

Oh.

(muttering quietly)

It's really heavy.

What did Frank put in there?

The urinal rocks.

Oh.

Coming in handy, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, this is a very sad day for the entire Paddy's Pub family.

Mm-hmm.

At times like this, I-I like to quench my thirst with a delicious Wolf Cola.

(sighs)

There's nothing like that... to wash away the sorrow.

Hear, hear.

That's my bit.

Now it's time for the grieving mother.

Uh... oh.

Hello, everyone.

Ah, God.

Thank you so much for coming.

(groans)

It's such a sad day, isn't it?

Oh, little Barney.

You were my special angel.

And only angels can fly.

Good God. Sorry.

Sob.

Sob, you bitch.

(Sweet Dee sobbing loudly)

Oh, it hurts!

God, it hurts!

The pain inside.

(groans)

God, it hurts so bad.

Okay.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

That's enough.

Okay, Dee.

I'm sorry, I just... (gasps)

Are my eyes bleeding?

(Dennis gasps)

Oh, my God, is there blood?

Okay. Oh!

Is there blood?!

You son of a bitch!

Wow.

Heavy stuff, guys.

Heavy stuff, heavy subject matter.

Anyway, uh, Barney, you died too young.

Before you could walk.

Before you could talk.

And before you had the chance to get together the proper paperwork, all that paperwork that you need to prove-- Oh, thank you so much.

Wolf Cola, everyone.

It's the right cola for closure.

Let's talk about closure, 'cause that...

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah.

Dude, something stinks.

I know, I know.

Have you noticed that all we wanted to do was talk about our money... Right.

...and then we kept getting pushed into talking about other things?

And then when we leave, Frank and Dennis became all buddy-buddy.

Yeah, there were a lot of backroom dealings going on in here, you know?

What the hell is this?

"Dennis Reynolds, Executive Vice President of Worldwide Distribution.

Wolf Cola."

What the hell, dude?

See, now I'm getting pissed off, you know, 'cause I think those two are conspiring against us.

Let's go out there and expose these sons of bitches for who they are.

And the most important thing to remember is that this whole thing is over, right?

Dead.

Every single person in this room has to move on.

(clapping)

That's excellent.

Excellent, Dennis.

Thank you, thank you.

Now, we would like to pay our respects to the dead baby.

And in the Christian tradition, we're gonna open up the casket to take one last look at his tiny corpse.

You don't want to do that.

What is happening?

This is what you get when you mess with the Pickle Party.

Pickle Party.

Prepare for your hearts to turn to stones!

(people scream)

God.

(groans)

What the hell is that?!

(Sweet Dee retches)

It's the dead dog from the alleyway.

I was compromising.

I figured we'd give it a proper burial.

Okay.

Well, I'm done here.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Dee's definitely going down in this audit.

I think we're all going down, Charlie.

Okay, you know what, here-- let's vote on something once and for all.

Everybody in favor of Frank not making all of the decisions in the bar anymore, raise your hands.

Great, that's settled.

Even he's on board.

Okay, and finally, all in favor of going back to the old system of organized chaos, where emotion trumps reason every single time and we just yell at each other to get the sh1t that we want, raise your hands.

Fantastic!

I've got a few things I'd like to yell about now, so we can all start.

My eyes! My eyes!

You opened the casket!

(all shouting)