The Office (US) Season 2 Deleted Scenes

The Dundies
Deleted Scene 1 Michael: TMI. Too much information. I used to say, "Don't go there," but that is so lame now. Or, "You go, girl." Or... Um, when did "Where's the beef?" That was, like, a long, long time ago. It's funny how the shelf life of these things, like how long they last, like, "Too much information" probably came on the scene... I mean, I didn't hear it till, like, this month, so it's pretty recently. Um, but you know, they're generally good for, like, no more than five or six years. Deleted Scene 2 Toby: Yes, that's true. I have never won a Dundie. I am more than okay with that. Deleted Scene 3 Kelly: I think I'm gonna share some Cadillac Fajitas with Toby. Toby is so cute, except he has that stupid kid. Deleted Scene 4 Angela: Yes, I'm the designated driver, which is very important. We need everyone to get home safely. [sighs] But no one ever gives me gas money, and people live all over. It's expensive. Deleted Scene 5 Dwight: [scoffs] Like a gaggle of geese... [jibbering mockingly] Deleted Scene 6 Michael: All right, we need something for Kevin. Jim: Mmm-hmmm. Michael: What do we know about him? He's an accountant. Jim: He plays guitar, he likes naval history. He's a bowler. Michael: [talking over Jim] He's fat. The fat accountant award. Jim: Well, you seem to have this under control. Jim: The weird part about this whole deal this that Michael truly believes that these awards are inspiring and motivational. I mean, he puts more effort and time and commitment into the Dundies than anything else he does all year. Which is probably why this branch will be downsized. Deleted Scene 7 Michael: I am the fat accountant. Dwight: Michael, I need to talk to you. Michael: Here he is. Dwight: I just thought that you might like to know that someone has written something about you on the ladies' room wall. Michael: Really? What did they say? "For a good time, call Michael Scott"? Jim: Good one. Dwight: Uh, no, no. No, I think something bad, maybe. Michael: Why do you think that? You just immediately go to that, Dwight? Why are you so negative? Why... Dwight: Michael. Michael: I mean, you just come in and you're just negative... Dwight: Michael. Michael: ...and you just walk negatively. Michael: Do you want me to find out what it says? Michael: Yes. Dwight: By any means necessary? Michael: What does that even mean? What are you... What are you talking about? Dwight: It's the ladies' room. Michael: Just go and find out what it says and who said it and report back to me. But don't tell anybody that I have anything to do with it because if they ask me, I will say that you are crazy. Michael: Thank you. You won't regret this, Michael. Jim: What award would you like to give Dwight? Michael: I hadn't planned on including him. Jim: Okay. Michael: Kevin. Deleted Scene 8 Dwight: It hasn't always been easy being a whistleblower. When I was in school, the kids would call me a tattle-tale or a snitch or a worm. So I really identify with those women from Enron. I wrote them letters to tell them how much they inspired me, but they never wrote back. I guess they're all married. Dwight: Angela, it's simple. Just tell me what the bathroom wall says. Angela: I don't talk about what goes on in the restroom. Dwight: I'm not asking what you do in there. I just want to know what's written about Michael. Angela: I don't says those kinds of things out loud. It's inappropriate. Dwight: Okay, I'll talk. You nod if I get it right. Does it have to do with his butt or his wiener? Deleted Scene 9 Kevin: I think his characters are pretty funny. Especially Ping. Michael: Well, what should I do, guys? Seriously, do you want me to just cancel the Dundies? Kelly: No, we were just hoping you wouldn't do those characters, like last time. Michael: Ping? Everybody loves Ping. He's my most popular character. Oscar: I think many people find that character slightly racist. Michael: Really? Well, he is based on the Chinese delivery guy that I have, who talks exactly like that, so, I think you should take it up with him instead of me. Oscar: Look, I'm just saying that there are many people that are offered by your insensitive skits. Michael: [sighs] Well, neither of you are Chinese, so what... Why do you care? Deleted Scene 10 Phyllis: Dwight, get out of here! Dwight: No, no, no. Phyllis: You can't be in here! Dwight: It's not what you think. Phyllis: Shut up. You're a freak! Dwight: I'm on official business. Phyllis: You are... Dwight: This is Dunder Mifflin... Phyllis: I'm telling Michael. Dwight: No. Phyllis, you're not... Phyllis: I'm telling Michael. Dwight: Phyllis, no. No. Phyllis: Michael, Michael. Dwight: Phyllis, no, no. Do not listen to her. She's out of her mind. Phyllis: Dwight was in the ladies' room and he was looking at me. Michael: What? Dwight: That is not true. Phyllis: He was looking at me in the ladies' room. Dwight: That's totally unfair. I was just in the ladies' room in order to spy. Michael: Dwight, you've hit a new low here. Phyllis: That's what I said. He was spying in the ladies' room. Dwight: What do you think, Phyllis? You think I followed you in there? Like, "Oh good. Phyllis is going to the bathroom, so maybe I get to see her naked from the waist down." I'm not even attracted to you. Michael: That is a good point. Phyllis: Write him up or I'll take it to Jan. Michael: Okay, all right, I will do that. I will get to that definitely. Absolutely. Phyllis: When? Michael: Oh, I don't know. Maybe after I finish writing, producing, directing, and hosting your awards show. All right, just relax, keep your pants on. Unless, of course, you're in the bathroom and you should be able to take your pants off in that case without Creepsville Central spying on you. Good. Phyllis: All right. Deleted Scene 11 Dwight: All right, let's wrap it up. Come on, we're late. The Dundies are starting very soon. Accounting, let's go, let's go. Okay, I gave you fair warning. [turns off their computers] Out. Who's next, customer service? Meredith, let's roll. Deleted Scene 12 Michael: Here we go. [organizing his costumes] And that. [to waitress] Hey. How you doing? Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies? Dwight: Yeah, you know me. Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies? Dwight: The Dundies! Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies? You're all my homies Dwight: You know me. Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies? Dwight: Yeah, you know me. Michael: [singing] Yeah, all the homies Michael: I have listened to that song so many times and I still don't know what OPP stands for. Other people's... Something. I... [shakes head] Deleted Scene 13 Kevin: So, Pam, I wonder who's gonna get "longest engagement" this year. Roy: Well. You're not goona get longest engagement, man, 'cause we got that locked up. Kevin: I wonder what I'll get. I brought my fiance. Deleted Scene 14 Michael: All right, our next award... ah, yes, this award goes to the most creative writing on the ladies' room wall, and the winner is... Who is it? Who wants to claim it? Shiny Dundie. Who wrote it? Great idea, Dwight. Deleted Scene 15 Toby: I'm just saying I don't think it's appropriate for you to have given Ryan that award. Michael: He's hot, all right? What do you want me to do about it? Toby: Okay, that is fine to feel, but not to act on. Michael: [sighing] It was unanimous, Toby. Toby: It wasn't a vote. You decided. Michael: Well, okay, I based it on what I felt was unanimous office sentiment, and this isn't even about what Ryan thinks. It's about you. It's about how you feel about the Dundies. Admit it. Toby: Okay, that is not true. Michael: Yes, it is true. Toby: 'Cause Ryan asked me to talk to you. Michael: Okay, I don't have time for this. I need to get on stage and you are breaking my concentration. [imitating Native chant] Me Chief Michael Scott. Here to trade... Deleted Scene 16 Dwight: Excuse me, Goldschlager, extra flakes. Waitress: We don't have that. You want a Presidente Margarita? Blue Pacific Margarita, El Nino... Dwight: No, no. No margarita. Hot sake. Waitress: [shakes head 'no'] Dwight: Fosters in the big can. Waitress: [shakes head 'no' again] Dwight: Just a chocolate shake, chocolate sprinkles. Deleted Scene 17 Dwight: Okay. No, no, no, no, no. Lie still, lie still. Pam: I am fine. Jim: Dwight, this is crazy. Pam: Okay. Dwight: Jim, not now! We need to cushion her head. Lie still. Please, Pam. Do not move. Jim: Dwight, Dwight. Dwight: I'm sorry. Pam: [laughing] I am fine. Dwight: Jim, don't interfere. Manager: You have to put your clothes back on. People are trying to eat. Pam: Oh, my God. Dwight: Can you give me a second, sir. Manager: No! Pam: Dwight, let me up. Manager: Put your clothes back on. Get, get right now. Dwight: I am a Sheriff's Deputy. Manager: That's fine. Dwight: I could have my men in here in a second and have you arrested. Jim: The other volunteers. Dwight: Pam, are you all right? Pam: I'm fine. Manager: Sir, sir. Dwight: How many fingers am I holding up? Pam: You're holding up three fingers. Dwight: All right. Are you okay? Manager: Put your clothes on, right now. Dwight: I will. I will. You need to calm down. Manager: Right now. Deleted Scene 18 Michael: Don't wanna forget that. Manager: You and your party really need to leave right now. Michael: Absolutely. Is this mine or is this Chili's? Manager: You know what? Don't worry about it. Michael: Keep it. My gift. [hugs Chili's Manager] Thank you. Have a good night. See you next year. Manager: That's fine.

Sexual Harassment
Deleted Scene 1 Michael: Good morning, Pam. Pam: Good morning, Michael. Michael: What's going on? Pam: Nothing. You look nice today. Michael: What? Pam: You look real thin. Michael: I don't get what you mean. Pam: You just... You look good. Your shirt looks... You look real good. Michael: Well, you said I looked thin, so what does... Does that mean I'm like thin weird or thin handsome or... [laughing] Pam: Thin handsome, Michael. Michael: Yes, well, of course. Of course. [laughing] Deleted Scene 2 Dwight: Wait, Jim, no! Don't drink directly from the can. Okay, I'm serious. It's all over the Internet. They use the same shipping company as a rat poison, and it gets on the can. [Jim takes a drink] Well, you're an idiot. Jim: What can I say, Dwight, I live a very dangerous life. Deleted Scene 3 Kevin: [Email chiming] [snickers] Did you see that? Oscar: I saw it. Kevin: You can see her... Angela: It's fake. Kevin: How do you know? Angela: She wouldn't do that. She's a Senator. Deleted Scene 4 Michael: Office romance. For example, Pam and I are dating, do we have to disclose that? Pam: We're not dating. Michael: No, but I'm saying hypothetically if we were dating... Pam: We're not dating, I'm engaged. Michael: Well, Roy is dead, and I ask you out. Pam: I would say no. Michael: You say yes, and we go out. Pam: I would drown myself. Michael: And now Roy and Pam are dead, and we have your stupid rules to blame, Toby. Deleted Scene 5 Michael: Toby actually gets alimony from his ex-wife because she makes more, so that's kind of embarrassing. Not that I'd mind, but it would never happen to me because I would make the marriage work. People seem to like him because they think he's one of us, but he's not. He's this weird loner who just tells people, "Don't do this, don't do that. Hire this person for this reason." I would complain about him, but who would I go to, to complain about Toby? Toby. Bias. And what does he do about that? Nothing. Because he's Toby. What kind of name is that? It's almost a girl's name. I think I've known more girls named Toby than guys. He just kind of makes my skin crawl a little bit. Toby is the devil. Toby's the devil. Deleted Scene 6 Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: I know we're having that harassment thing this afternoon. Jim: Yeah. Pam: Sometimes when we IM, I send you that little winking face with the lipstick. Jim: Yeah? Pam: Yeah. I realize that might be harassment. Jim: Yes, it is harassment and I'm going to be suing the winking face. I've hired the angry face as my lawyer and you will be hearing from him pretty soon. Pam: Okay. Jim: Okay. [IM chiming] [laughing]

Office Olympics
Deleted Scene 1 Pam: Hey. Morning. Jim: Oh, Pam? Can I see you in here for a second? It's important, so... Pam: Okay. What? What is this? Jim: I found Dwight's wallet in the parking lot. Pam: Oh, my God. What are we gonna do? Jim: I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the best play is. Do we tear everything up, or do we buy a horse on the Internet? I mean, I don't know what to do. What do you think? Pam: I know. I know what to do. Jim: Okay, what? Pam: Okay. Put everything back exactly how you found it. Jim: Okay. Pam: Hey, Dwight. Jim and I found your wallet in the parking lot. Dwight: What did you do to it? Jim: Nothing. Dwight: I'm serious. What did you do to it? Pam: Dwight, I swear, we didn't do anything. Dwight: Nice try. [on the phone] Cancel card. Cancel card. Cancel... card. Deleted Scene 2 Oscar: I mean, you've got, you've got stuff here. You rented "Mermaids." You can't... It's a movie. You can't deduct that, you know that. Kevin: All right. Angela: It's not an office expense. Kevin: Yes, thank you. Angela: Next year, you should file your stuff in a basket. Oscar: Remember last year he slipped by with "Stripes." He rented "Stripes," he had it for a week. Kevin: Please... Oscar: And that got through, so maybe he's thinking he can do that from now on. Kevin: Please, please. Please. Deleted Scene 3 Dwight: What are the specs? Michael: Oh, okay. I'll tell you. Let's see here. Three bedroom, two bath... Dwight: [talking over Michael] Nice. Michael: ...contemporary townhouse. Two car parking... Dwight: [talking over Michael] Yes. Michael: ...wall-to-wall carpets... Dwight: [talking over Michael] God, what a steal. Michael: ...all fixtures included. Yes, this is... This is looking good. Dwight: Does it have a deck? Michael: I think it does. Dwight: Have you seen it? Michael: Yes. Dwight: Does it have a deck? Michael: I think it has a... Yeah, it has a deck. They call it a porch, but it has a deck. Deleted Scene 4 Michael: When a man is laying on his deathbed there are four things that go through his mind. Was I well-loved? Check. Did I express myself? Did I let my light shine through? Check. Will an attractive woman cry at my funeral? Check. Probably more than one. Check. Check, check, check, check. Lastly, did I achieve success and own real estate? And when I close on this condo, I will be able to check that one as well. Deleted Scene 5 Jim: What do you call it? Schruteball? Pam: Okay. How about skeet Schruteing? Jim: Did you just come up with that? Pam: Mmm-hmmm. Jim: That is good. That's it. That's what it is. Pam: Thank you. Jim: Wow. [cup tinkles] Pam: Oh, oh. Jim: Oh, Somebody went in. That was a team effort, Pam. Pam: Oh! Deleted Scene 6 Michael: Home owner. About to join an exclusive club, Dwight. Maybe some day these people out here will know what that feels like. Maybe not. Who knows? Not my problem. [groans] Dwight: It's time. Michael: Are we ready? Dwight: That's it. Michael: Are we gonna do it? Deleted Scene 7 Michael: This is all mine. All the way down around the corner. It's a shared space, but I can use it whenever I want to, Dwight: Okay, so I called in a favor to my buddy at the police department. Michael: Ah, the volunteer Sheriff station. Dwight: Same thing. Michael: No. Dwight: Um, these are the crime statistics for the surrounding square mile over the past four years. Michael: Oh, anything bad? Dwight: Two charges of loitering, Michael: Mmm-hmm. Dwight: one noise complaint, several speeding tickets. Michael: Mmm-hmm. Dwight: Do you own a gun? Michael: No. Dwight: I'd think about it. Michael: I don't need a gun. Man: Hello? Michael: Hello! How are you? I'm, uh, just about to close on 126 over there and I guess we're going to be neighbors. Very cool, very cool. So, uh, so what's the vibe? What's the vibe of this place? Man: Uh, I don't know. It's pretty quiet. Michael: Oh... That's gonna change. [laughing] Man: Why? Michael: Because I loves to party and I'm gonna be partying my butt out at this place. Man: Okay, but there's an 11:00 noise curfew. Dwight: Hi, I am Dwight Schrute, Mr. Scott's associate. Man: Who is Mr. Scott? Dwight: Him. I have got a couple of questions about the neighborhood. Have you had any problems with prostitution, crack dealing, gang violence, etcetera? Man: No. Michael: Here's a question for you. I have a convertible. Is it safe that park that in my driveway. [Man steps back inside his house and shuts the front door] All right. See you soon. Good guy. Um, cool. Deleted Scene 8 Toby: So it's like volleyball. Jim: Okay. Toby: Okay, you get a one-second hold on the ball... Jim: Mmm-hmm. Toby: ...and you bounce it off the wall on your side of the tape. Jim: Oh, okay. Oh, do... that's what the tape is for. I didn't know. Toby: Yeah, Michael asked about it once. I just pretended not to hear him. He left. Deleted Scene 9 Michael: I think I'm going to make myself some microwave popcorn. [humming] Press "Popcorn." Oh, that's gonna be delicious. I just love having popcorn in the middle of the afternoon. You know what? I could do with some hot chocolate as well. Oh, drat. I can't make hot chocolate and popcorn at the same time, unless, I can. Boom! Second microwave for le hot chocolat. Carol: Hello. Michael: Oh, Carol. Hello, how are you? Carol: Hello, hi. Hey, Michael. Michael: Good to see you. Deleted Scene 10 Dwight: Oh, boy. This whole condo's shifting. It's like this place was built on ancient Indian burial ground. Deleted Scene 11 Jim: Hey, Phyllis, Do you have any games that you play in the office? Phyllis: What do you mean? Jim: Um, like stapler tennis or something like that. Phyllis: No. Jim: Okay. Deleted Scene 12 Michael: Second bedroom for the ladies. I mean, the extra ladies who aren't in my bed, or for friends or family, whoever wants to pop on by to casa de Scott. And right in here... What, what's in here? Uh-oh, bedroom number three. What are we gonna do in there? Limitless possibilities. Dwight: Seal it off. Michael: What? [toilet flushing] What are you doing in there? Dwight: Fill it full of cotton or soundproof insulation. Michael: Oh, my God. Dwight. Dwight: Seal it off with drywall so you don't hear Yo-Yo Ma over there all the time. Michael: You know what I might do, I might make this into a kids' room. Dwight: Kids? You don't even have a girlfriend. Michael: I will have a girlfriend once she sees this place. I'm gonna get married and I'm gonna have kids. Dwight: Well, that depends on how old she is. What if your girlfriend is 55? Michael: I'm not gonna date a 55-year-old woman. Dwight: Just a possibility. Michael: No, it's not. Just shut up. Dwight: If you fall in love with her. Michael: You're an ass. Shut it. Dwight: I smell mold. Michael: No, you don't. Deleted Scene 13 Dwight: Living on a farm, your sense of smell gets very sharp. For example, there are beets in the condo two doors down that way. And someone over there, I believe, is a big fan of olives. Deleted Scene 14 Michael: I'm gonna back out of the deal. Nothing personal, but I feel like I have been taken advantage of here. Carol: How? Michael: This smells of fraud to me. This whole thing just kind of stinks. Deleted Scene 15 Dwight: [looking into his coffee mug] What the hell?

The Fire
Deleted Scene 1 Jim: Seventy and clear, that's nice. Where's that? Pam: That's here. Deleted Scene 2 Dwight: I'm Michael's number two. He's one, I'm two. He's Alpha, I'm Beta. He's A, I'm B. It's easy. Whatever Michael is, I'm one less. Deleted Scene 3 Michael: Rule three: Reach for the stars. And if you fail, see rule four. Rule four: Failure is not an option. Dwight: Oh, my God. Ryan is gonna love these. Michael: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And at the end I will reveal, that they were all just one rule. Dwight: That is so cool. Michael: Mmm-hmm. Dwight: Plus you can go, "Rule five, see rule six. Rule six, see rule five." Michael: No, I'm not trying to trick him. I'm trying to be a good mentor. So... Dwight: Kill or be killed. Michael: No. Dwight: Shoot to kill, or kill to shoot. Michael: No, come on, Dwight, I have to have 10 of these by lunch, I promised Ryan. Dwight: You could ask for an extension. Michael: I'm not asking the temp for an extension unless I really need it. Deleted Scene 4 Dwight: I know Michael's every move. It's not something you can just pick up. I could write a book about him. Literally. I started once, but Michael made me stop. Deleted Scene 5 Dwight: Hey, how's it going, man? Ryan: Good. What's up? Dwight: Oh, nothing much. What's up with you? Ryan: I'm good, thanks. Dwight: Good. Good, I'm good, too. How's it cracking? Ryan: Uh, fine. What's up? Dwight: You know what you would love? Guns N' Roses. When I was your age, I loved Guns N' Roses. Do you like Guns N' Roses? I'll make you a tape. Ryan: Cool. Dwight: I'll make you two tapes. Ryan: I don't have a tape player. So... Dwight: Someday, temp. I've got a couple of shirts that don't fit so well anymore. I'll bring them by. Okay, see you later. Deleted Scene 6 Dwight: Michael and I have a very special connection, like an umbilical cord. And the thing is with Ryan is that I don't want him to trip on it, or get it caught around his neck. Deleted Scene 7 Kevin: Sixty-three, sixty-four, sixty-five, sixty-six, sixty-seven, sixty-eight. [snickering] Sixty-nine. Seventy. Seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy-three. Deleted Scene 8 Pam: I like fire drills. You know what's the greatest? Like, when you were in school and the teacher would let you have class outside. Jim: Oh, the best. Pam: Yeah, it was great because it was like you're supposed to be working, but nothing ever gets done. Jim: Yeah, we had outside classes all the time and we never did anything. Pam: [chuckling] Jim: Actually if I had fewer outside classes, I probably wouldn't be stuck here at a paper company. Pam: You're not stuck. Deleted Scene 9 Angela: Yes, there is a real fire, but it's okay. Everyone got out fine. This is why you practice these things. Deleted Scene 10 Michael: Yes, yes, I ran out first. A captain is always the first one on the ship and the last one off the ship. And this parking lot is our ship when the building is on fire. So, I ran out onto the ship. Deleted Scene 11 Jim: Okay, DVDs. Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Toby, go ahead. Toby: Say Anything, The Shining, Annie Hall, that's too obvious. Jim: Those are like my favorite movies. I didn't really think you could win Desert Island, but I think you just did. Toby: Toy Story 2, one of the best movies I ever saw. I went for my daughter and stayed because you can't leave your daughter in a theater. Deleted Scene 12 Jim: Toby and I used to sit together until Michael moved us because he thought we talked too much. Pam: Really? Jim: Yeah. Deleted Scene 13 Jim: Kevin, do it. Kevin: Uh, Cannonball Run, Cannonball Run II, [snickering] Weekend at Bernie's, Weekend at Bernie's II, and, oh, Groundhog Day. Jim: Groundhog Day. Stanley: I have a client who watches that movie once a week, at least. Kevin: Really? Stanley: I should put you in touch with him. Maybe we could get together and work on that account. Kevin: I would love that. Jim: Okay, guys, guys, guys. That almost sounded like business, and we are trying to focus here today, okay? Deleted Scene 14 Michael: When I was Ryan's age, I worked at Arby's and then I worked selling cutlery for a while. Cutlery that could decimate a penny, I kid you not. There were these shears that could cut straight through a penny. So I have life experience and work experience that Ryan doesn't, and will never have. Deleted Scene 15 Jim: And then you go to school for three years. Ryan: For two years, and it's only at night, and then it's on your resume forever. Jim: Wow. And just out of curiosity, how much is it? Ryan: $650 bucks Jim: A semester? Ryan: A credit. Jim: Wow. Ryan: It's an investment. Jim: Oh, yeah, it sounds like it. Ryan: I think it's worth it. Deleted Scene 16 Michael: If I could change the life of one person, just one person. I... Actually, that's shooting kind of low. I already did that when I was born. I changed two people's lives. Mom and Dad. Um, if I could change the lives of 5,000 people... 10,000. No, five. I'd be satisfied with 5,000. I... 10,000 though, that'd be something. Wow, 10,000 people. Because, you know what? Even one is amazing.

Halloween
Deleted Scene 1 Michael: Hey, you. Big Jim. And Phyllis. Working hard, Phyllis? Phyllis: Mmm-hmm. Michael: Of course. You're always working hard. Phyllis: Thanks. Michael: Keep it up. And there's Stanley. No costume? Well, no, not trying to fit in. I wish I had your confidence, I really do. Stanley: Something wrong, Michael? Michael: No, no. What could possibly be wrong? Everything's great. Just keep living your lives. Everything's gonna be fine. [sighing] You are all such wonderful, innocent people. Deleted Scene 2 Toby: Hey, Jim. Jim: What's up, Hef? Toby: Michael? Michael: What? What? Toby: Michael, do you have the name of the employee you're letting go? I'd like to start working on out-placement. Michael: Fine. If you are so anxious to see a head roll, it's you. There. You brought it on yourself. Too bad. Can't say that I'm sorry. It's a relief. Toby: I don't report to you, Michael. I report to the head of HR in New York. Michael: You asked for a name, I gave you a name. Now you're not doing your job. Why don't you just resign? Toby: They would just send someone else. You need to have an HR representative. Michael: Just know that if I could have fired you, I would have. Toby: I know, Michael. Deleted Scene 3 Michael: I'm going to have to do this Sopranos-style. Just whack him. Guys, could you take the freight elevator, please? Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Hey, you wanna see a really messy show? Follow us around. Come to our office. Michael: You know what? That's my foot. Vance Refrigeration Worker #2: Ass, ass, ass... Michael: You guys... Vance Refrigeration Worker #2: ...ass, ass, ass, ass, ass... Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Hi, Mom! Michael: I will handle it in the best way possible, but in case he or she goes postal, you will be available to subdue. Am I correct? Hank the Security Guard: Who is it? Michael: I don't know. Hey, are you on our payroll or are you employed by the building? Hank the Security Guard: Building. Michael: Oh, shoot. Okay, well, just have your pepper spray ready. Hank the Security Guard: You're on your own. Michael: All right. All right, this is it. By the time I get back to our floor, I will have decided. [elevator bell dings] Wow, that's a fast elevator. Deleted Scene 4 Michael: I have a proposal, everybody. Listen up. Now, Corporate has been really breathing down my neck to make some pay cuts, but I refuse to fire anyone. So, I was thinking that maybe all of you would take a 10% pay cut and that would save the money. Yeah? Stanley: Yeah, We're not doing that. I have kids in college. Make a decision. Michael: Okay, great. Fine. Well, then, if anyone is annoyed later at what goes down, you know who to blame. Stanley. Not the guy who was trying to be creative. [turns around to find Toby standing behind him] Toby: Michael, it's almost 5:00. Michael: Leave me alone, okay? Deleted Scene 5 Michael: Do you want some coffee? Creed: No, no. I had some, thanks. Michael: [slurping] Oh, wow. How long have you worked here? How many years, Creed? Creed: Fifteen years, I think. Michael: Yeah, that's right. Fifteen years and three months. Wow, you were hired before I was. Must be thinking about retirement. Creed: Oh, no. I need the money. Michael: Why? Creed: What do you mean, "Why?" Michael: It's just that you never got married and you live in an apartment. Creed: I don't know. I got nephews. Michael: Yeah. Creed: Yeah. Yeah. And I buy them stuff, you know. Oh, made some bad investments. Why are you asking me this? Michael: Just trying to be your friend. Creed: Well, you never asked me about my life before, is all. Michael: Of course, I did. I always... Yes, I do. Creed: Do you have something specific you wanted to talk to me about? Michael: Are you pulling my leg or... Creed: No. Michael: You have no clue why I've asked you in here? Creed: I do not. Michael: Oh, here we go. This... um, here's the deal. Deleted Scene 6 Michael: Yes. Actually, I have. I have been on a hunting trip. I shot a deer in the leg. I had to... I had to hit him, I had to hit him with a shovel for about an hour, so he... That's good eating, though. Venison's very gamey. It's hard to watch, though. It's hard to... It's hard to hit another living thing in the face with a shovel for about an hour. That... I haven't been hunting since then. I, I... 'Cause that's, you know, where's the joy in that? Where's the... There's no sport, really. Especially when you're the one with the shovel. And they're the one just lying there. Um... I would have rather hit it with my car or something and just... I was just smacking the hell out of that thing. That was a mess. And we just left him there. I didn't eat it. I didn't want to eat that. That guy. Why do you ask? Deleted Scene 7 Jan: [on the phone] This is Jan. Michael: His name was Devon. Jan: Excuse me? Michael: The human being man's name was Devon. Jan: Devon. The... Oh, is this the man that you... Michael: [talking over Jan] Yes, yes, yes. Jan: The person that you fired, Michael? Michael: Yes, it is. Jan: Is that what you're... Okay. Oh, you sound a little... A little upset. Michael: Uh, well, I am. A little. Justifiably. My Halloween is ruined. Jan: Well, I have to say that I am impressed, Michael. I know... I know how hard that was. Michael: Do you? I don't think you do. Devon was one of my best buddies. And now he hates me. Jan: Well, I'm glad you did it, Michael. Michael: [talking over Jan] You're glad? Jan: And so, good job. Good job. Michael: Thanks. Thanks so much. You think it was good? Jan: Yeah. Good job. Michael: [talking over Jan] Think I did a good job? Great. I feel good. I'm gonna give myself a pat on the back. Jan: [talking over Michael] Yup. Yes. Michael: There. I'm doing it. Right there. Great. Deleted Scene 8 Dwight: You're supposed to be a cat? Angela: Yes. Creed: You know, guys, Michael has really incredible decision-making abilities. Michael's really incredible at making decisions. Michael: [camera pans over, Michael is sitting in a chair] Yeah, blah, blah, blah. Dwight: Pussy. Here, pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Here, pussy, pussy. Meow. Michael: You people are revolting. By far, the least popular people here. I should have fired you. Who knew Devon was so popular and had so many friends. So well-loved. Deleted Scene 9 Dwight: I feel like I made the right choice. Things happen for a reason. I wasn't destined to go to Cumberland Mills. Just like Anakin Skywalker was destined to become Darth Vader, I am destined to sell paper here at Dunder Mifflin. That's what I was put on this earth to do.

The Fight
Deleted Scene 1 Master: [Dwight grunts] Great. Excellent. [Dwight yells] All right. That's okay. Dwight: [Dwight's pager goes off] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Hold on. Sorry, just one second. Master: Dwight, you can't use your pager in here, I told you. Dwight: Okay, I just... Master: Dwight... Dwight: It's a sales call. Master: Ten push-ups. Ten push-ups! Dwight: I can... Yes, sensei. Dwight: Do I feel bad that I haven't bonded with the other students? No, I'm not there to make friends. I'm there to attack people. Deleted Scene 2 Jim: What about Oscar? Could you beat Oscar? Dwight: No problem. Jim: I don't know. He looks pretty scrappy. Dwight: Unless he has a shiv, in which case it wouldn't be a fair fight. Jim: True. Meredith. Dwight: No women or children. Unless provoked. Jim: Okay. Roy. Dwight: Warehouse guy. Doesn't count. Jim: Okay. Michael. Could you beat up Michael? Michael: Yeah, I don't think that would happen. See, I used to run with a very tough crowd, street fighter types. Real, real bad people. I'm just lucky I got out. I was a bad ass mo-fo. Stanley knows what I'm talking about. Stanley: Excuse me? Michael: I've never lost a fight. You know why? My motto. Never say die. Dwight: You just said it. You just said it. Michael: No, that's not how I meant it. Dwight: Die. You just... You said it. Michael: Shut up, Dwight. Deleted Scene 3 Angela: Do you think he's signed them yet? Oscar: Signed what? Angela: Forget it. Is that chocolate-vanilla swirl? Oscar: Just chocolate. Angela? For the last time, I did not eat your chocolate-vanilla swirl. Kevin: Don't look at me. [smiles at camera] Angela: I don't know why I write my name on things. Deleted Scene 4 Kelly: Are you going to happy hour later? Meredith: I'm still recovering from last night. But maybe. Deleted Scene 5 Master: Sir, your shoes. Michael: Yes. Master: You're gonna have to take them off. It's a sign of respect. Michael: Oh. Well, in my office, if you took off your shoes, it would be a sign of disrespect. Stinkyfeetville. Kind of a ying-yang. [exclaiming] Oh, stretchin'. I like to stay tight. Compact. [Dwight screaming] Master: Here's your gear. Please put this on. Michael: Do you have, do you have anything in, like, black? Deleted Scene 6 Master: Okay. Gentlemen. [to Michael] You ready? [to both Michael and Dwight] Okay, listen up. Alyssa: Hi, sensei. Hi, Dwight. Master: [to camera] That's Alyssa. My senpai. She just qualified for regionals. Dwight: Alyssa? I guess she's technically the senpai. But nobody really respects her. The only reason she got into regionals was because her competition was a bunch of 13-year-old girls. Put me in that division. Let's see how she does. Michael: God, you look like such an idiot. [both yelling] [grunting] Deleted Scene 7 Michael: Stan the man. Stanley: Hi, Michael. Michael: Did you hear about the fight? Well, it wasn't much of a fight, actually. Stanley: No. Are those purchase orders signed? Michael: I opened a big can of whoop-ass on him. Stanley: Huh? What? Michael: I went medieval on his heinie. Stanley: Are those purchase orders signed? Michael: Hey, Stanley. I don't tell you how to do your job, do I? He... Stanley: Look, I just want to have a job, Michael. If we don't get these purchase orders... Michael: Grow a pair, Stanley. Right? There not gonna downsize because I miss a lot of deadlines. That's not how business works, okay? [sighs] Okay. Deleted Scene 8 Dwight: For the record, let me just say, Michael Scott has no honor. If he lived in Japan, he would be an outcast. Well, that's not totally true, 'cause Asians worship chest hair. I had a friend, a hairy friend, who lived in Japan. He told me the women would line up to satisfy his every need. So, and he wasn't even that attractive. Deleted Scene 9 Michael: [door opening] All right. Here you go, Princess. Just finished with part one. Pam: This is what you had Ryan do. Michael: Yes, under my tutelage. Pam: Well, what about the other stuff that has to be in today? Michael: If you didn't badger me with so many questions, Pam, I could be done with it by now.

The Client
Deleted Scene 1 Michael: Have you ever heard of Doctor David Friendly? Pam: Hmm... Michael: Doctor David Friendly's Egg Yolk Diet. It's, it's kind of unique. It's just, my diet the last couple months has consisted mostly of eggs yolks and cottage cheese. And, um, what you do, you don't just have the egg yolks, it's not like a Rocky thing. You do like hard boiled eggs and I got one a those melon ballers [shot of Michael peeling boiled egg] and I, it's just like a little ice cream scoop, and I just scoop out the middle of the egg and just pop it in my mouth. I don't even, I don't even use a plate anymore. Uh, the first couple weeks I did, but you know what, boom, I keep a melon baller in my desk so if I have a hard boiled egg [Jenna breaks as Pam and laughs] I know, I know! But you know what? It's perfect. I know it sounds ridiculous, it sounds ridiculous, but you know what? Dr. David Friendly, he came up with this thing. The guy, I think he was like four hundred pounds when he started, and he started with this... I, well, the melon baller was my idea. Deleted Scene 2 Kevin: Most of that is good. Michael: [throwing away food from the fridge] Not today, Kevin. Cannot be around carbs today. You know what one loaf of bread would do to my abs? Deleted Scene 3 Jan: I'm almost there, so we should have plenty of time to go over the presentation. Michael: Uh huh. Jan: And, uh, hmm, excuse me, I've also confirmed the meeting this afternoon at four p.m. Michael: Conflict! Jan: What? Michael: I have a conflict with that. Jan: What do you mean? Michael: Uh, I have a pajama party. At the Playboy Mansion. With the bunnies. Jan: Michael. I need you to take this seriously. Michael: I can't get out of it! Jan: Michael- Michael: Ok, alright. Jan: Are you hearing me? Michael: I'm hearing you, meeting confirmed. Jan: This is a very important- Michael: Meeting confirmed. Would you like your confirmation number? Please grab a pen, because I will only be repeating this once. Jan: [sighs] I'll see you in ten minutes. Michael: 42897. Ok. Deleted Scene 4 Michael: What is a closer? A closer is a sales term for someone who always gets the job done. And that is me. A B C, always be closing. Glen Garry, Glen Ross. "Hey, gimme the Glen Ross leads." "No way, they're just for closers." "Do you know who you're talking to?" "I'm Michael Scott." "Really? Well, take any lead you want." "No thanks, I don't need 'em." Because I have a client list [taps screen] right here in my computer. [sighs] So suck on that. Deleted Scene 5 Jim: Hey. Pam: Hi. Jim: What are you doing? Pam: I don't know, I think I was just staring at my desk. Jim: Really? Do you wanna get back to that? I could go. I should go. Pam: Yeah, do you mind leaving? Jim: No, not at all. Pam: It's very important. Jim: Uh hmm. Pam: Thank you. Jim: Sure. Deleted Scene 6 Phyllis: Do you think they'll get the account. [Stanley stares at her] How come you never answer me? Stanley: I'm sorry, Phyllis. No, I don't think they'll get the account. Deleted Scene 7 Jim: [reading screenplay] Bullets are flying everywhere. Ooo, wait, last page, big finish. Here we go. Agent Michael Scarn kicks open the plane door with a karate chop. Dwight: A kick and a chop are two totally different things. Jim: Well, it's just a movie, Dwigt. Dwight: It doesn't make any sense. Oscar: Yeah, now it doesn't make any sense. Ryan: Don't jump Agent Scarn! There are no parachutes! Jim: Just then, Agent Chang gets a bullet in the head. Pam: Oh! So close to retirement. Jim: Another bullets heads towards Agent Michael Scarn, but he jumps out of the plane without a parachute. Ryan: Is that it? Jim: Yup, I guess so. Phyllis: Does he die? Pam: I sincerely doubt it. Angela: I have to say, I think this is a terrible movie. Deleted Scene 8 Jim: What was my worst first date? Umm. It was a couple of years ago. It was a lunch date, actually, it was right down here, at Cugino's. And we had just met, and we really hit it off, it was, it was kinda nice. Umm, huh. And, uh, then, as it turned out, it wasn't even a date, because she was actually in love with someone else. So, best first date is also my worst first date. Oddly enough.

Performance Review
Deleted Scene 1 Michael: Oscar, I'm ready for you. Oscar: Today is performance-review day, company-wide, and I'm a little concerned about my review. I exceeded my sick days and my personal days because I just couldn't take it. And I don't have a good answer for him, when he asks me. Michael: So... Oscar: Michael, I don't know what to say. Michael: Um, you're in accounting... Oscar: Yes, I'm in accounting and I'm sorry and all the extra days. I know I passed my limit. Michael: So, good, good, good. Something to work toward, being here more. I'm a big believer in people being here more. Oscar: Yes. Deleted Scene 2 Dwight: You know what this is? Jim: Yes. Dwight: No, you don't. Jim: Then why the question? Dwight: This is a visual aid for my performance review. Budget is tight, and if anyone is getting a raise, it is gonna be a fight to the death. And I intend on winning that fight. "Dwight: determined, worker, intense, good worker, hard worker, terrific. Dwight." Jim: I have one, too. Jim. Jim, Is Jim. My name is Jim. Dwight: That's a total waste of your "M." Jim: Really? Dwight: Yeah. Jim: You have a better idea? Dwight: Yeah, magnificent worker, marvelous worker, more money for this worker. Man, I like this worker. Mighty worker. That's good. That's good. Jim: I'll use that. Deleted Scene 3 Jan: I am not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder Mifflin business. Michael: All right. Jan: Period. Michael: Yup. Jan: Do we understand each other? Michael: Absolutely. Michael: "I am not going to discuss anything outside of Dunder Mifflin business, period." Okay. Now, why would Jan say she only wants to talk business and then make it clear that she is on her period? God, I don't understand women. How about a clear signal, right? Is that too much to ask? Deleted Scene 4 Jim: So, that's... It's great. Michael: Yes, it is. Jim: Yeah. You have fun? Michael: Yes, I did. Jim: Did you go to first base? Michael: Hell, yeah. Jim: Oh, yeah? Michael: Yeah. Jim: Did you go to second? Michael: What? Jim: Second. Michael: Kind of, yeah. Over the shirt, my elbow, but... Jim: Okay, so close call at second. Was there an infield fly? Michael: Um, yup, wait, yes. Jim: Pop-up? Michael: No, there... Later there was. Jim: Really? Michael: Yes. Jim: So, you got the signal from the third-base coach. You know what I'm saying? Like if there was a fly out to deep right, you know. A runner on second. He tagged up, didn't he? Michael: I didn't, you know, it was... It was dark, for one thing. Jim: Office romances. Um... [laughs] I think you should probably ask Pam 'cause she's in an office romance, technically. Deleted Scene 5 Michael: Let's just push on, shall we? Dwight: Pushing on. Michael: It's next. Just keep it. "Look on the supply shelf." What? What is that? All right, Ryan, look on the supply shelf, would you? Ryan: Yeah. It's another note. Michael: Okay, yeah. Ryan: "Look on the windshield." Michael: Okay. Dwight: Does it specify which windshield? Ryan: I'll check them all. Dwight: This ought to be good. Jim: Which one? Dwight: Oh, no, no. It's on the Miata. Pam: He sees it. Dwight: What does it say? Jim: He can't hear you? Michael: Okay, field trip's over. Come on. Could we please get back to this? Dwight: [clapping] Come on. Let's get back to this. Michael: All right, don't break any lands-speed records getting back, okay, Stanley? Stanley: I'm back. Michael: Christ Almighty. Ryan: "Look under the sink in the men's room." Michael: All right, next suggestion. Dwight: Next suggestion. Michael: "Don't..." Okay, that's blank. Don't. Just... Dwight: "Don't sleep with your boss." Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan? Jan: Okay, let me make something clear. As embarrassing as this is, I feel that it needs to be said. There is nothing romantic or sexual going on with Michael and myself. Michael: Well... Jan: The other night, I gave him a polite congratulatory kiss because he just closed the biggest deal of his career. And that's it. If anything else has been implied, Dwight, or inferred, Michael, Creed, it's just not true, okay? It's not true. So... Is everyone straight on that? Michael: Crystal. Dwight: There's one more suggestion. Michael: How pleasant. You can... Dwight: "Way to go man, Jan's really hot." Michael: Okay, I think we're good. Deleted Scene 6 Pam: Oh, my God. When Dwight said no one wants to come in on a Saturday... Jim: I know. Pam: I almost lost it. That was too good. Jim: Well, that is because that is the gift that keeps on giving. Oh, my God. I left today's paper on my desk. Pam: You mean yesterday's paper. Jim: What? Yes, that is exactly what I mean. Wow. You are very good at what you do. Pam: Thank you. Deleted Scene 7 Dwight: Hey, temp. Ryan: Hey. Dwight: Look, we're twins. Ryan: Cool. Dwight: Bet you I got mine for less than yours. Ryan: I bet you did. Dwight: Getting a little something that calm the nerves? Ryan: What nerves? Dwight: For the performance review. Oh, wait, you don't get one. You're a temp. Ryan: Actually, I had mine already. Dwight: You're lying. Ryan: Why would I lie about a performance review? Dwight: Why would Michael give you one before me? Ryan: I think because my name is before yours in alphabetical order. [coins dropping] Dwight: How did it go? Ryan: Fine. He actually gave me a small raise, which I did not ask for. [hits vending machine] It's stuck. [Dwight begins throwing his entire body into the vending machine] It's cool, it fell. Deleted Scene 8 Dwight: [Wild Side playing] You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Yes, you are. You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Ya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation, right? You are gonna give me this raise! Why? Because I'm awesome, awesome, yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you for your time, dude. Champ. My lord, mi amigo. Mi amor. Ha! Wild side! I am ready. [groans] Deleted Scene 9 Michael: Yeah, that got a little out of control. Jan's taking a break, which is fine. I'm doing the same, just chilling. Getting my mind off of us. She's right. I need to be more professional at the office. When I'm at work, I need to focus on work. I should call her ex-husband. Michael: Hello, is this R. Gould? Hi there. My name is Michael Scott, I work at Dunder Mifflin. I believe I work with your wife, ex-wife, Jan. Yeah, that's right, yes. Um... I was wondering if I could ask a personal question about her. Mmm-hmm. Okay, well, could I ask anyway? Uh-huh. Well, I'm just gonna ask. When you guys were dating was she sort of easy to get and then really hard to get? Michael: Yeah, that Gould is a real interesting guy, a gem. I can see why he and Jan are no longer together. If my conversation with him is any measure of their relationship, he was verbally abusive, he was curt. He was... He had an inability to communicate, shall I say? He was emotionally unavailable. I don't know how she dealt with that as long as she did. Deleted Scene 10 Michael: Never... Jan: Never for me always means never, ever, ever. Michael: Well, then, Gould wasn't kidding. Jan: What? Michael: Nothing, I just... Jan: What did you say, Michael? Michael: Nothing. Jan: Did you call my ex? Michael: No, I did not. Jan: Gould, you said, Gould. Michael: Maybe I did. Maybe I called him, I don't know. Jan: How dare you, Michael? My personal life is off-limits to you. Michael: I... Jan: Okay, how dare you do that? Michael: I didn't do that. I... Maybe he called me. Jan: Why would he do that? Why would he call you, Michael? Why would my husband call you? Michael: Ex-husband, you have to let it go. Jan: I mean... Deleted Scene 11 Ryan: "Look under the suggestion box." "I can't believe I kept this up all day." Signed, me. Michael: What is an office? Is it a group of people? Maybe. Is it an idea? Of course, yes. Is it a living organism? Exactly, yes. And any single cell organism has to have a spine, and that's me. But the spine is always controlled by a brain, and that is Jan. But the brain needs a heart, and that is me again. So ironic. You know what? The heart is smarter than the brain. But the brain is so effing hot.

Email Surveillance
Deleted Scene 1 Angela: [Oscar shakes his leg] You're going to have to stop that. [Oscar moves over] I can still feel it. Deleted Scene 2 Sadiq (IT guy): Do you have a question or something? Michael: Um... Sadiq (IT guy): About my turban, maybe? Michael: Nope, nope. I actually wear a turban sometimes. Wanna see it? Sadiq (IT guy): Yeah. Michael: Got it right here. [pulls out Karnak turban] Sadiq (IT guy): Why do you have that? Michael: Comedy; it's funny. It's Johnny Carson, Karnak. It's, um, put it back. Huhhhh, did you have Johnny Carson in your land? Sadiq (IT guy): In Pittsburgh? Yeah, but I never really watched him. Michael: Oh. You were forbidden. Sadiq (IT guy): No, I'm much younger than you. I watched Conan. Michael: Alright, I'm gonna, uhh, get a cup of coffee. Do you want some coffee er- Sadiq (IT guy): No. Michael: Or some tea or hummus or something? Sadiq (IT guy): No, thank you. Deleted Scene 3 Phyllis: Oh, this isn't good. Stanley: It's fine. Phyllis: You don't even know what I'm talking about. Deleted Scene 4 Michael: Should have done this a long time ago. Tons of personal e-mails, huge time wasters. Uh, uh huh. Wow, like Kevin, rating the best bars in Scranton? Poor Richard's number seven? Idiot. Stupid load. [phone rings] Yeah. Pam: Hey, Michael, accounting needs your approval on- Michael: Yeah, I'm busy right now. [hangs up] Deleted Scene 5 Michael: Here's a helpful suggestion for Jim. Jim, instead of e-mailing Amazon, to try and get that CD that you didn't receive, I suggest that you go to Visa and tell them to cancel the charge. Jim: Yeah, definitely didn't need help with that, but, yeah. Michael: It's seems like ya did though- Jim: Oh? Michael: Jim. Lots of e-mails to Amazon, lots of wasted computer space. Alright, let's get back to work. Deleted Scene 6 Toby: Yeah, I assumed Michael was already doing this. That's why I only use my personal e-mail account. Deleted Scene 7 Michael: [moves chair to Jim and Dwight's desks] Ooo, bleh bleh bleh. Dwight: Where's your tie? Michael: I don't know. Just felt like taking it off. Man, work can be just so damn frustrating don't ya think, Jim? Jim: Uh, yeah, I guess. Dwight: What's going on, Michael. Talk to me. Michael: I don't know, same old stuff. Same old. Boss just been ridin' my ass. Dwight: Oh no! Jan!? What's goin' on? Michael: I don't wanna talk about it. I just wanna hang out, just be one of the guys. Dwight: The most important one of the guys. Michael: That's not the point. Dwight: That's exactly the point. You've hit a slump. It happens to the best of us. You just have to remember, you know- Michael: Yeah. Dwight: Where you come from, and who you are. Michael: Ok. Dwight: You know, you have worked so hard for this. You are the boss; you can buy and sell us with just a snap of your little finger. Michael: Ok yes, I would never do that. Jim: Yeah, no one can snap with their little finger. Michael: Ha. Dwight: Jim, this is hardly the time. Michael: No, this is completely the time, this is perfect time. This is just guys gently ribbing each other, it's what it's all about, just hangin' out. Enjoying friends, all being the same. Worker bees. Dwight: And their king bee. Michael: No, just bees, just bees hanging out, buzzing around. Dwight: Master bee. Michael: I'm not a master bee. Dwight: Queen bee. Michael: I'm just a bee, Dwight, ok, just a bee, just buzzin'. Deleted Scene 8 Pam: Hi! Roy: Hey babe. Hey, how are you!? Pam: Good. Roy: You look good. Pam: Thank you. Roy: Hey, um, I was wondering if it'd be ok if I go to Lonny's poker game tonight. I promise, it'll be like the last time for a while. Pam: We were supposed to go to the barbeque at Jim's house. Roy: Oh, man. Um, could you go without me? Make something up, say I like, ate something, or... Pam: Uhh... Roy: Huh, huh? You're the best. You're the best! Pam: I might be late. Roy: Ok, don't wake me up cause I'm playing ball in the morning. Pam: Ok. Roy: Alright, bye. [Pam looks around the office] Pam: [to the cameraman] Did I miss anything? Deleted Scene 9 Michael: Five o'clock. Time to go get my improv on. [drinks] Little bit of the comedy juice. Mmm. Alright, see if you can guess what this is. [roars and flails his arms] That is a dinosaur getting ready to go to improv class. Just a taste of the improv. Deleted Scene 10 Michael: I need to know... who shot Johnson! Mary-Beth: Uh, President Johnson. Um- Michael: Shut up! Mary-Beth: Ok. Michael: I have a right mind to shoot you right in the head. Mary-Beth: I, I killed him. You're right! It was me! Michael: Just shut up! I don't wanna hear anything more from you. Improv Teacher: No, listen to what she's saying. Mary-Beth: Alright, I'll be quiet if we can make some kind of deal. A deal? Michael: Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! No deal. Not with Michael Scarn, FBI. Michael Scarn doesn't make deals. Michael Scarn shoots and then asks questions later. [blows on his fake gun] Improv Teacher: Good, good. Michael: She was kind of tripping me up, cause she was, um, I was trying to get something going, when I was over her with the gun, and she like kept changing the story. Mary-Beth: I don't think... he was saying- Michael: Well, you kept- Mary-Beth: He kept saying "shut up"- Michael: Going into nuclear something; that's not where the scene was going. Mary-Beth: I- Bill: It goes wherever. Michael: Well, it goes, it goes in the best direction, and that was not the best direction. Mary-Beth: I felt like he was ordering me around, cause he- Michael: Well, he, Michael Scarn, that character, orders people around, and that's, you should of just gone- Improv Teacher: All your characters order people around though, and- Michael: Well... Improv Teacher: There's stronger choices. Michael: I don't think there's any stronger choice than being a really strong character. Mary-Beth: We've seen you do that character before though. I mean, you know, that's cool. Michael: Well, it's, like, well, it's, you know, when refine it, refine a character down to its essence, that's... Mary-Beth: Like Jim Carrey or something. Michael: Exactly, thank you. Mary-Beth: Right, well I wasn't saying that- Michael: I appreciate that. Mary-Beth: Nah, I know, I just meant that... he shot me, I just- Michael: Or Ryan Stiles, something like that. Mary-Beth: Yeah, ya know maybe, he made me get on the ground, and I didn't feel safe in this game. Michael: You shouldn't have been, 'cause you were dealing with Michael Scarn. That was exactly what I was hoping to achieve, so that is probably the best thing you could have said, that's a compliment. Improv Teacher: You succeeded. Michael: Good work. Mary-Beth: Yeah. Deleted Scene 11 Jim: And in this room here, if you look closely, you will find out a few clues about who lives here. Um, he likes biking, obviously, and uh, what else? Uh, he likes tour guides, I guess. And if you're very perceptive, you'll notice that he didn't do a great job of cleaning his room [kicks water bottle under bed]. Ok, and uh, that's the tou- Ryan: And he's really into penguins or something? Jim: Um, thank you, Ryan, uh, I don't know, I think I made the mistake one day of telling someone that I like penguins, and here we are. Phyllis: Oh, I'm sorry. I gave you a penguin. Jim: And that's why it's on my desk, Phyllis; it means a lot to me, and now that I know it was from you, it means even more. Moving on! Uh, ok, so that's the end of the tour for now, and if you liked it please tell your friends: "Whenever you're in Scranton, visit Casa de la Halpert". Deleted Scene 12 Improv Teacher: Ok, for the next exercise, let's everyone pair up.[everyone picks a partner] And everyone got somebody? Ok, good. [Michael is partner-less] Uh, ok, uh, why don't you go out in the hallway and go through all the rules in your head. Ok, you take a break and sort of run through the rules in your head. Ok, stay there. Michael: I'll just throw out some suggestions. Improv Teacher: Ok, you guys wanna start? [to Michael] Don't throw out any- Michael: They're in a whorehouse. Improv Teacher: Suggestions. Michael: And he's a proctologist. [to teacher] What? Improv Teacher: We don't need a suggestion for this one; it's gonna come from them. [to other students] It's a game called "Yes, and?" and uh, you will say the first sentence. And uh, you're telling a story- Michael: First sentence is: "I'm a proctologist". Improv Teacher: We're not gonna get a suggestion for this one, it's gonna come from them. [to students] Ok, you're gonna say the first sentence and then she will say yes to that and then she'll add something to the story, like you're telling a story. [looks at Michael and then students] Oh yeah, what was he doing? Ok, why don't you take a break? Since you don't have a partner. Michael: Alright, I'm ready here. Improv Teacher: Ok. Deleted Scene 13 Kevin: Why don't you turn it up? [Ryan moves to turn up the grill] Uh! Not so fast... Fire Guy. Think we need some more heat, Fire Guy? Hey, Fire Guy, maybe we should burn Jim's house down. Ryan: That's really funny. Kevin: Hey, Kelly; I called him Fire Guy. Kelly: Good one, Kev. Kevin: Yeah... hey Stanley- Ryan: He called me Fire Guy. Stanley: Oh, good one. [laughs] Kevin: It never gets old. Ryan: Never gets old.

Christmas Party
Deleted Scene 1 Oscar: Towards me. Creed: Okay. Oscar: Towards me. That's good, towards me. Towards me. Towards me, towards me. Okay, I'm good. I'm good, I'm good. Creed: Okay, okay. [gasping] Oscar: Creed. Deleted Scene 2 Michael: Remember on that animated special when they taught the uh, the monster to put the star on top? That's Dwight. Dwight's the monster that we taught to put the star on top of the tree. You take his teeth out, and he could put the star on top of the tree. Deleted Scene 3 Pam: Do you want me to help you with that? Phyllis: Yeah. Michael: Phyllis and Angela and Meredith are helpers. I guess Angela's kind of... Angela's little. Phyllis and Meredith are not little. Pam is sort of a medium helper. Deleted Scene 4 Dwight: Okay. Christmas lights? Good. Tinsel? Good. Star? Good. Michael: Dwight is... Dwight looks like Spock to me. He always wears the ears, and I always give him grief about looking like Spock, and he hates it because he has a different pair of ears that he wears to be Spock, for some reason. Deleted Scene 5 Dwight: Question, Pam. Is Roy coming to the party? Pam: Yes. Dwight: Okay, well, you didn't tell me that. Now, he will not be allowed in unless we register him on this list. Pam: Are you kidding? Dwight: Do I look like I'm kidding? [Pam shakes her head 'no'] Phyllis, stag, I assume. Phyllis: I'm bringing someone. Dwight: Really? Phyllis: I invited someone to the party. Bob Vance. He works at Vance Refrigeration next door. That's how we met. [whispers] He's my boyfriend. Deleted Scene 6 Dwight: Everyone, please remain calm until we receive further instructions. Pam: Just let us open up the presents, Dwight. Dwight: Absolutely... not. Dwight: What separates humans from jungle beasts? The fact that we have rules. When humans give each other gifts, they do it properly and orderly. When bears give each other gifts they just rip open a fox carcass and present it to their mate. I prefer the human way. Deleted Scene 7 Oscar: Man, I really wanted that. I really wanted the shower radio, too. Michael: Well, thank God you didn't steal my oven mitt. And Oscar, you little gourmand, your turn. Oscar: I'll take the tea pot. Meredith: Damn it. Kelly: So, I guess, you really didn't want the shower radio that bad. No, I just like tea. Oscar: No, I just like tea. Kelly: I don't know why Oscar didn't like the gift. I know he wanted a shower radio. I mean, I totally remember him telling me that he wanted one. Oscar: Kelly had me last year, too, and she gave me the same exact thing. I only have one shower. Deleted Scene 8 Michael: Oscar, paint ball pellets. Oscar: I guess I'll take the last gift. Cool. Pam: It was supposed to be for Meredith, 'cause she said she likes my drawings. Meredith: Thanks. I wish I could've had it. Do you wanna trade? Michael: Yeah. Like anybody would want an oven mitt. [Phyllis gets up and leaves the party] Deleted Scene 9 Toby: So, hey, you wanna trade? Kelly: Yes, totally, 'cause I was just gonna throw this out anyway. Toby: Really? You were gonna throw out a book? Kelly: Mmm-hmm. Deleted Scene 10 Kevin: [Rap music playing] [singing] The time is now, the place is here And the whole wide world is filled with cheer My name's DMC with the mike in my hand And I'm chilling and cooling just like a snow man Darryl: Yeah. Kevin: [singing] So open eyes Lend us an ear We wanna say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year [Darryl whooping] Yeah. Kevin: I'm the DJ because I really know how to heat up a party. Deleted Scene 11 Dwight: I do enjoy a drink now and again, but tonight, no. I am also an officer of the law and I'm unofficially on the clock. I need to stay sober and alert. Also, on a personal note, I'm not at my best when I drink. Deleted Scene 12 Ryan: I actually got that for you. I had you originally. Toby: Oh, cool. It looks really interesting. What did you end up with? [Ryan pulls Creed's old coat out of a bag] Sorry. Ryan: I didn't want anything else, so I figured at least I could give it to a homeless guy. Toby: Christmas. Ryan: Yeah, Christmas. Deleted Scene 13 Oscar: What did you end up with? Creed: Your shower radio. Oscar: You like music at least? Creed: I love it. I actually used to have a radio show back in the '70s. Oscar: You're kidding. What was your DJ name? Creed: Whacky-weed Creed. Oscar: Turns out that Creed is a pretty interesting guy. Deleted Scene 14 Angela: You behaved very badly tonight. Kelly: Sorry? Michael: See, that's what Christmas is all about to me, is when you see someone open a gift and you think, "Man, I wish I got that." I mean, that's just such a great feeling, to watch other people envying a gift that you gave to somebody else. I don't know, it's just... I don't know, just makes you kind of feel good.

Booze Cruise
Deleted Scene 1 Phyllis: Are you all packed? Kelly: Yes, I brought my duffel bag and a sleeping bag. Oscar: Where do you guys think we're going? Kelly: Definitely some place you can swim. Oscar: Right. Phyllis: Maybe Florida. Kelly: Did you hear something? Deleted Scene 2 Michael: [knocking] Yeah. Jan: Hello, Michael. Michael: Hello. Jan: Can we come in? Michael: Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jan: Thank you very much. Michael: Have a seat. Jan: Brenda. Michael: Oh, every man's dream. Jan: Oh, really? A surprise visit from his boss? Michael: Two ladies at once. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Okay, you heard something. Um, yeah, it's a booze cruise, but it... There's more to the story than that. It... Jan: A booze cruise? What do you mean? Michael: Leadership off-site. Uh, booze cruise is just a rhyme... Jan: Michael, we discussed the IRS's regulations. Michael: Yeah, I don't even know why I said booze cruise. I don't even think there's booze on the boat. Jan: Okay, this event has to have legitimate business content to be tax deductible. Michael: Of course. Jan: We discussed that. Michael: Of course, of course. Yes. Yes. Look, I have a whole program planned. Jan, this program is going to change people's lives. I am going to be dropping serious knowledge all over the boat. Jan: Good. This is Brenda Matlow from corporate training. Michael: Hello. Jan: I thought she could attend tonight, and if your event is appropriate, you could give it to other branches. Michael: Oh, cool. Cool. And maybe you could attend tonight and then you could stay over at my house for the night. Awkward. That's... You know what. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone? Brenda: Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no. Michael: Really? You seriously said that? Okay. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone? Brenda: Sure... Jan: Brenda. Michael: Thanks. Brenda: I mean, no. Jan: Okay, you know, I'm gonna go now, and... Michael: Oh, okay. Jan: Good luck, Brenda. Michael: I'll see you later. Jan: Okay, see you later. And try to be professional. Michael: I'll call you later. Jan: No, that's all right. Michael: That's like... Jan: You call me if you need anything, Brenda. Michael: I'll call you, too. [to Brenda] So. You are probably gonna get carded, so I can make you a fake ID. We have a laminating machine. Deleted Scene 3 Michael: What is a sales department? Oscar, what do you think? Oscar: I don't know what the categories are of workers on a boat. Michael: I'm not giving you the answer. Deck hands is one. And... Dwight: Oh, oh, can I be the first mate? Michael: No, I'm first mate. You're second mate. I'm first mate, as the captain. Pam: How about the anchor? Michael: Well, the anchor is the only thing that kind of slows the ship down. Toby is the anchor. Oh, God. He, well... [to Brenda] Tell you about Toby later, he's awful. Brenda: Yeah, I know Toby from Jan's birthday. Toby: Hey, Brenda. Michael: Oh, hey, Toby. So... It's an analogy. Deleted Scene 4 Michael: [Toby running to get on the cruise] Hey! What's wrong with you? You missed the boat. Toby: I got lost. Michael: Idiot. Captain Jack: We can go back. Michael: No, no, no. That's his punishment for not being here on time. Too bad, anchor! Toby: I guess I shouldn't have stopped for dinner. Deleted Scene 5 Dwight: On the high seas, Captain Jack is the leader. On the land it's Michael. On the ramp up to the boat, I was a bit conflicted. But now that I'm here, I'll follow Captain Jack to hell and back. Dwight: Hey, Captain Jack, what kind of fish they got in this lake? Captain Jack: Perch, bass. Dwight: You know, my grandfather told me there was a monster here that eats Catholics. Have you heard... Captain Jack: I haven't heard that, Dwight. Dwight: If the hull is breached for any reason or the boat is overtaken, I am a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy, and you can count on me. Captain Jack: That's good to know, Dwight. Thanks. Michael: Your problem now, Captain Jack. Deleted Scene 6 Michael: Hey. You know what the best way of studying is? Ryan: At home, not on a boat? Michael: Flash cards. Ryan: Flash cards. Doesn't really help me right now because I'm on a boat. Michael: You are gonna get seasick if you keep reading in here. Ryan: Well... Deleted Scene 7 Captain Jack: Yeah! All right. All right. That was awesome. All right, looks like the guitar player's gonna take a little break. So this'd be a great time to head on over to the taco bar. All right. Michael: That is a great way to kill this party. Not on my watch. Let's, uh,... Let's rock. Let's rock some stuff here, okay? [playing badly] Okay... I'm hearing a little too much reverb. [feedback echoing] Can we down the reverb? All right. Follow my lead. [playing Smoke on the Water] Does you guys know that? Take the bass. Take the drums. What? Creed: Do you want me to give it a shot? Just... Michael: You know what? I don't think it's in... Creed: I... Michael: That's not in tune. I don't know if you can... Creed: I don't know, let's try. Michael: ...make much of out of it, Creed. Good luck to you. I don't know. It is a defective ax, my friend. Creed: All right. Michael: Good luck. Creed: Guys, E, blues. Follow me, okay? [playing well] Roy: Yeah! Creed: Back in the '60s, I was with the Grass Roots. We toured with Janis Joplin, The Doors, Cream. We had a lot of fun, And now I do quality assurance for a paper company. As you can imagine, drugs played a part. They still do. My work calls last about 90 seconds, and that's about as long as I can concentrate. Michael: Those slide moves are just bush league. I hope I die before I'm old. Deleted Scene 8 Ryan: [throwing up] Deleted Scene 9 Darryl: [speaking Spanish] Por favor, tequila seoor. Angela: I think you've had enough. Darryl: What you say, bitch? You know, you might be right. Deleted Scene 10 Pam: You've been to the lake before? Roy: Yes, I have. [kisses Pam] Roy: Should have done it a long time ago. Pam: Yes, you should have. Roy: I do what's right whenever I figure it out. I love you, babe. Pam: Love you. Katy: You should make a toast. Jim: No, I really don't want to. Katy: Jim, come on, don't be shy. Katy: Everybody, everybody? There is a toast. Come on... Michael: Yeah! Toast! Katy: Yeah, toast! Toast! Toast! Pam: Yeah. Roy: Come on. Jim: Thanks, Katy. Um, didn't really prepare anything to say. We're all caught pretty unprepared with this whirlwind courtship. I guess I just wanna say that Pam is the greatest. My best friend. And she's awesome. And... Dwight: Okay, okay. My turn, my turn. Is this thing on? Uh, I want to congratulate the happy couple. You know, they say that marriage is an institution. And I say, who wants to be in an institution? Michael: That's my line! That's my line, That's... I always say that at weddings. So I'll just think of something else to say. I... [band starts playing] Katy: Cheers. Deleted Scene 11 Michael: Hey, Jim. You got a hat? Jim: Yeah. Michael: Thanks. Deleted Scene 12 (from NBC.com) Phyllis: [to Angela] So this is... Stanley: [storms out of Michael's office] Well, we're not going to Florida. Phyllis: Oh. Someplace with a pool, then? Stanley: [gives Phyllis a look]

The Injury
Deleted Scene 1 Oscar: [Jim popping Michael's bubble wrap cast] You should put butter on it. Michael: Uh, that's what she said. See, haven't lost my sense of humor. No, no need, it was a non-stick grill. Deleted Scene 2 Jim: I've had a Foreman grill for about six years, I've done about 85% of my cooking on it, but I've never burnt myself, probably because I don't use it as a pillow. Deleted Scene 3 Michael: I always keep a stash of bubble wrap at my house. Some days, hectic, tiring days, I just like to go home and zone out and click on the tube and pop a few. Very soothing. [to the interviewer] Want to try? Deleted Scene 4 Jim: You know, that's probably not gonna last too long, you should go to a hospital and get a real cast. Michael: Right, I'm gonna spend the day in the hospital, bujehh. Bureaucracy and germs. Jim: And doctors. Michael: Yes, so, no thank you. Dwight: Pssht. Michael: What? Dwight: Constructing a home-made cast? Genius. Filled with foresight. Like in the pioneer times, if you lost a leg, they would then use the bone of the leg for a cane. They wasted nothing. Michael: Wow, I don't want to hear... you talk. Pam, could I have a word with you in my office? [stumbling] Oh, oh, oh. Alright. Deleted Scene 5 Ryan: My assignment is to make a temporary disabled parking permit for Michael Scott. Deleted Scene 6 Angela: Ooo! Who made popcorn? [Michael rubbing butter on his foot] Deleted Scene 7 Toby: [on speakerphone] Well you know, frankly a lot of us have been saying this for a long time. Michael: Yeah, I've been sayin that. Toby: Yeah, and I, uh, I think that the very fact that we're including it in our agenda frankly, is a big step forward. Michael: Did you know I used to be in HR? Toby: I'm sorry? Michael: I used to be in HR. I was a Hell raiser. Toby: Uh, ok. Michael: Right? [laughs] Toby: Uh, great. Why don't we move on? Michael: Alright. Movin' on. Toby: Great. Because you that I think the very fact that [Michael mutes the call] Michael: Ry-an. You're here. Whatcha got, whatcha got? Alright, Panic Room, Maverick, Nell, Sommersby, The Accused. Where's Little Man Tate? Ryan: They were out. Michael: Oh come on. Ryan: At three different places. Michael: Oh man. It's not a Jodie Foster afternoon without Little Man Tate, buddy. Deleted Scene 8 Michael: Mmm, I'm telling you the best cure in the world is comfort food. You know how they say "stuff a cold"? Well I don't care you've got, the flu, Lyme disease, emphysema, you eat an entire dark meat chicken, you can walk on the moon. Deleted Scene 9 Dwight: Look, I feel fine. As a volunteer sheriff's deputy I have been trained to notice all the signs of a concussion. One of them is slurred speech, ok? Number three, shortness of breath. There are four things you have to remember. One: I am faster than 80% of all snakes. Also. Deleted Scene 10 Doctor: We need to get your friend into the CT machine. Dwight: Into a machine?! Ok. Uh, that's bad, will you stay with me? Michael: No. Dwight: Ok, will you please call my cousin Mose? Michael: No, I'm not calling your weirdo cousin. Twenty-seven years old, never left the beet farm. Dwight: Oh God. Oh God. Michael: Guh-od. Dwight: Oh God. Michael: Ok, I'll stand near you. Dwight: Next to me? Michael: Next-ish. Deleted Scene 11 [Spanish language telenovela dialogue from the waiting room T.V.] Jim: I'm gonna pull the car around. Michael: Shh shh shh shh. Jim: Do you speak Spanish? Michael: No. Do you? Jim: No, I don't.

The Secret
Deleted Scene 1 Michael: Hello. Pammy want a cracker? Pam: No thanks. You got a package. Michael: Oh, Pam with the dirty talk. [laughs] Deleted Scene 2 Dwight: And he's lining it up. Seems pretty straightforward from here. If Michael Scott sinks it, he'll win a Buick signed by Tiger Woods. Michael: Oh! Dwight: He totally misses, Michael: No, he meant to put it right next to the hole, that's much harder to do. Dwight: Interception. He shoots, he scores, yeah! Michael, try it like this. This'll be much harder. Michael: No, no, no, no. I don't want to chip my mug. Please get that off the floor. [sets mug on the edge of Michael's desk] Michael: All right. Jack Nicholson for birdie. Dwight: Jack Nicholas. Michael: It's a celebrity tournament. Dwight: [golf ball rolls under bookcase] I got it. No problem. [clears throat] Michael: Do you see it? Dwight: Oh, man, it's really back there. Michael: Do you feel it? Dwight: Yeah. I can barely... Michael: [mug falls off Michel's desk and smashes on the floor] God... damn it, Dwight! That's great. Dwight: Should I clean out my desk? Michael: [pulls a brand new mug out of his desk door] That won't be necessary. Deleted Scene 3 Dwight: Don't be fooled by the phrase "dust bunnies." They are vicious little bitches and if they get inside your disc drive, God help you. They will bring your computer to its knees. They sit in corners hatching, defecating, laying eggs. And their sole purpose in life is to eat dead skin, which humans in this office shed by the boat load. Especially Creed. Deleted Scene 4 Michael: Look at all them out there, my little worker bees buzzing away. Dwight: If they're the worker bees, you're the Queen bee. Michael: No, I am the King bee, Dwight: Queen's higher. Michael: No, King is higher. Then Ace. I am the Ace bee. Deleted Scene 5 Ryan: People Magazine, crossword puzzle, keep or toss? Michael: Keep. I will finish that later. Ryan: It's from '99. Michael: Yeah, I know when it's from, Ryan. Ryan: 18 across. Mary-Kate and Ashley blank." Michael wrote, "Judd?" Deleted Scene 6 Michael: Yeah, I rushed a few fraternities, but you know what? I don't believe in paying for friendships. So, I made a decision not to accept any offers. And fortunately none were made. Which was good, so nobody's feelings got hurt. Deleted Scene 7 Dwight: Temp, shouldn't you be monitoring the progress of people's cleaning efforts? Ryan: Everything seems pretty much under control. Dwight: Yeah. Well, I'd hate to see it blow up in your face. Ryan: How would... Dwight: Let's table that. So, temp... You seem to be pretty close to this Oscar. Ryan: Not really. Dwight: Getting defensive? Ryan: No. Dwight: You seem a little nervous. You shouldn't be. Deleted Scene 8 Michael: Thank you, Dana. Dana: Sure. Michael: Keep the change. Here you go buddy, happy birthday. Jim: Wow. Thanks. Michael: You're welcome. Jim: No, you what, seriously, you should have it. Michael: No, no, no, no. I have the long sleeve. And actually, you know what we should do? We should wear them tomorrow to work, it'll be hysterical. Jim: Oh, tomorrow, that's gonna be tough 'cause I already laid out my outfit, so... Michael: Okay, Tuesday. Whenever. You'd better try it on, make sure it fits.

The Carpet
Deleted Scene 1 Dwight: I think this whole disaster on Michael's carpet happened for a good reason. Him sitting next to me is a huge gift. This girl I know would say that it was a gift from God, but I don't know about all that. Angela: Obviously, this was Kevin. This is his sense of humor exactly. Kevin: There are so many people with motives, even me. Almost everyone is a suspect. Whoever did this is a genius. [laughs] Deleted Scene 2 Kelly: That looks, cool, where is that? Jim: What? Kelly: That hotel, it looks so romantic. Jim: Oh, just somewhere in the Poconos. I was just surfing. Kelly: I went with my parents to the Shadowbrook Farm once. That was also really romantic. Oh, my God, I wish a boy would take me there. I would need a fun new top. You know what a great color is on me? Lavender, actually. Jim: Just give me one second. I'm just gonna grab something to eat. Jim: Hey. Toby: Hey. Jim: So, you used to share that cubicle with Kelly, right? Toby: Mmm-hmm. Jim: And then you just changed desks, right? Toby: Yeah. Jim: To one without a cubicle. Toby: Yeah. Jim: So, you just couldn't take it anymore, huh? Toby: What are you talking about? Jim: So, that's how it's gonna be. Toby: Yeah. Toby: Honestly, I don't even hear her anymore. It's like waves crashing against the beach. Deleted Scene 3 Michael: [on the phone] Okay, that quantity of cotton fiber will cost you... my screen disappeared. I know. I will click on the bottom and... Yes. I'm getting one of those little hourglass things. Used to have a price chart on the wall, now it's a little hourglass thing with an arrow next to it. Now it's just an hourglass thing. Uh-huh, yeah, well, or I can call you back. Okay. Dwight: [on the phone] Excellent, good, good. Well, our truck is going out first thing tomorrow morning. So... Stanley: ...cases of typical format and coated white paper. Okay, thanks again so much. All right, bye-bye. Phyllis: 20 cartons of it's coming, on it's way. Michael: What's going on? Anything here? Stanley: Yes. Michael: Yes, yes. What yes? A sale or a lead or... Stanley: A sale. Michael: Ah. Small? Stanley: Big. Michael: Huge? Stanley: Just big. Michael: Would you say the sale that I made earlier was huge or... Stanley: Big. Deleted Scene 4 Dwight: [on the phone] Good. No, I completely understand, times are a little tight right now. If it's alright with you though, I will just give you a call back next month. Great, thank you so much. Goodbye. Michael: What was that? Dwight: What? Michael: You call that a sales call? My God, what have they been teaching you? Dwight: You're the one who trained me, Michael. Michael: Yeah, well, did I teach you to roll over like a submissive dog? Dwight: You most certainly did not. Michael: No, I did not. Dwight: What can I do better? Michael: Exactly, ask me, which you did, so, tell a joke. Dwight: I'm not good at jokes. Michael: Do you know a joke? Dwight: My cousin Mose told me a joke. Michael: Call a client right now. Dwight: Okay. Michael: And tell him the joke. Dwight: I will. Michael: Strike while the iron's hot. A joke always works. Dwight: [on the phone] Yes, Howard Gruber, please. Michael: Just sell it. Dwight: [on the phone] Howard, hello. Dwight Schrute. Dunder Mifflin. Yes, and you are my favorite client. Listen, I'm calling you to tell you a little joke. What is black and white and red and can't think? A nun who has a beet for a head. ... No, I'm Catholic, too. Michael: Give me the phone. Dwight: [on the phone] I understand. Michael: Give me the phone. Dwight: [on the phone] If I was offensive in any way, I... Michael: Tell him. Tell him that your supervisor is on the line. Dwight: [on the phone] Humor works in... Michael: The old one two. Let's do it. Dwight: [on the phone] ...crazy ways. I'm going to pass you off to my supervisor. Hold on one second. [whispering] Howard Gruber. It's Howard Gruber. Michael: [on the phone] Hey Howard. Michael Scott here. Yeah, sorry about that. Dwight is an idiot. I know. No, he's a little... Little dim. He's the janitor's brother, so... Dwight: That's not true. Michael: [on the phone] Uh-huh? Yeah. Well, you know, like in a fast food restaurant, just to be nice they hire somebody who can't even find their way to work? That is Dwight. Dwight: [whispering] He's my best customer. Michael: [on the phone] What can we do to help you out? You know what? I have a discount. Today and today only, on lightweight copier paper. Dwight: But that's my sale. This is my sale, Michael! Michael: [on the phone] Uh-huh, yes, I can do that. Absolutely! Perfect. Oh, I'm glad it timed out that way. Deleted Scene 5 Dwight: What Michael doesn't understand is that when I worked in the fast food industry I was actually commended by management for the three "M"s. McService, McCompetence and McPunctuality. Deleted Scene 6 Roy: [laughing] You gotta drink on that one. Too bad. Darryl: Hell yeah, yeah, yeah. Mo'fo, mo'fo. Roy: You ready? Darryl: Mmm-hmm. [thumping] [Roy groaning] Now you've got to drink. Deleted Scene 7 Dwight: Okay, look, I know what you're gonna say. That I'm not standing up for myself. But you know what? It's complicated and I really don't appreciate all the badgering. Angela: You could out-sell Michael any day. Deleted Scene 8 Michael: I really thought these people were my friends. My best friend since kindergarten, Elliot, that's a friend. Best friend ever. I should call him. Wonder where he lives.

Boys & Girls
Deleted Scene 1 Michael: Oh! I don't know, Pam. I paid $400 for this phone because I liked the ring. Pam: You did? Michael: And now, I realize that you can program or download any ring you want. So, I'm a little overwhelmed. Pam: Yeah. Michael: There's a lot of choices. You got to help me here. Pam: Okay. Michael: Which one of these is coolest? What do you think? [classical piano playing] [violin playing] Pam: How about that one? Michael: No, no. [blues piano playing] Jim: Oh, that one was good. Michael: Dude, are you kidding me? No. That one says, "I am so lame." Know which one I want? There's one that sounds like a jackhammer. Just really grabs your attention. It's like... [imitating jackhammer] You know what I'm talking about? Jim: Do you mean vibrate? Michael: Yes. Deleted Scene 2 Roy: Bushmaster's hard to beat for long distance. It's a great point. Dwight: Yeah. I got a spudgun in my car. Roy: Really? Dwight: Yeah. Shoot a chuck of potato at your face, 80 PSI, bon appetit! Michael: What are you guys talking about? Dwight and Roy: [at the same time] Guns. Michael: Cool. Roy: How's that union stuff coming? Michael: Working on it. Roy: Yeah. Michael: Yup. Roy: Okay. Michael: All right. Deleted Scene 3 Dwight: Guys! Check it out! Spudgun! Woohoo! Bon appetit! [Darryl's office window shatters] Sorry. Darryl: That's my office. Deleted Scene 4 Dwight: There was this film that I saw when I was little. It was about a kid who goes on the most incredible adventure. And even though it was really great, and she had a great time, she ends up back home in Kansas and says, "There's no place like home." And that's how I feel right now. There is no place like home. What the hell was that movie called? [sighs] It's gonna drive me crazy.

Valentine's Day
Deleted Scene 1 Michael: Everybody, hello, can I have your attention, please? Since it's Valentine's Day, there's something that I wanted to say. I love the women of this office. Pam, I love you. Pam: Michael's got a few tricks for Valentine's Day. He found a place where you can get 12 plastic roses for $10 and he's got a great line. "Me so thorny." Michael: I love you, Angela. Yes, even you. I love you, Kelly. I love you, Meredith. This is all platonically, of course. Michael: I love ladies, always have. And you know what I think is the most attractive part of a woman's body? The brains. Because I don't think a woman is beautiful unless she is smart. And also, the brains are where the ladies get their best nasty ideas for bedroom stuff. Deleted Scene 2 Pam: You have any big Valentine's Day plans, Kev? Kevin: Not really, my fiance is out of town. Pam: Where is she? Kevin: I'm not sure. Arizona? Sometimes she doesn't tell me. Pam: Cool. Deleted Scene 3 Michael: That's a lot of noodles. How much sodium do you think is in that cup? This place used to be full of hookers and porn shops and it's not that way anymore. There's an old building. That one hasn't been torn down yet, but they will. They'll get to it. Deleted Scene 4 Oscar: Happy Valentine's Day, Meredith. Meredith: Thanks. Creed: Okay, you take it easy, ace. Oscar: Here you go, Creed. Creed: Hey, thanks, ace. Creed: I'm not good with names. Deleted Scene 5 Michael: This is where it's all happening. We got TGI Fridays. I'm in the picture! Sometimes I just jump into people's pictures. Lot of people have their picture taken. It's kind of a New Yorker thing. You jump in on a tourist's picture and kind of ruin it. There's an energy to New York that you just feel. Um, everybody... Don't get hit. Everybody is kind of together and everybody hates each other, but loves each other at the same time. Screw off! People just yell at each other in New York, and it's great. Deleted Scene 6 Phyllis: I'm gonna go call Bob. Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: So, what are you doing for Valentine's Day? Pam: I'm gonna spend it with my fiance. Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Okay. Pam: What are you guys doing? Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Probably go grab dinner with my girlfriend. He's gonna be pulling his pud watching Skinemax. [points to Vance Refrigeration Worker #2] Pam: Nice. Dwight: Okay, okay. That's enough. Phyllis: Hey. Dwight: Come on, break this up. Deleted Scene 7 Receptionist: Yes, sure. Mr. Scott, you can head to the conference room. The other managers are already there. Michael: Great. Thank you. Receptionist: All right. Michael: Okay, here's the thing about Jan. She talks such a big game about, "Oh there's nothing between us and stop talking about it." And "Border-line harassment when you call me at home." But let me ask you this, is it just a coincidence that this meeting is taking place on Valentine's Day? Answer, maybe, but maybe not. We shall see. Deleted Scene 8 Dwight: How do you spell "animalian"? Jim: Animalian? Dwight: Yes. Jim: Why? Dwight: None of your business. I'm writing something. Jim: You're writing something? Dwight: Forget it. I'll look it up myself. Jim: Okay. Dwight: No, you know what? You do it. Jim: No, I'm not gonna do that. Dwight: Uh, yes, I'm in charge. You have to. Look it up. Jim: But I know how to spell it. Dwight: So tell me. Jim: Only if you tell me what you're writing. Dwight: Forget it. I'll do it. But you're getting written up. Jim: So now you're writing two things? Jim: Dwight lives on a beet farm and he practices karate at the forth grade level. And he apparently has a girlfriend, so... I guess there really is someone for everybody. Deleted Scene 9 Kevin: [phone ringing] Hi, this is Kevin. Stacy? Happy Valentine's Day. Yeah. Oh, awesome. Okay. Yeah, I'll be leaving here soon. Cool. I love you, too. Okay, 'bye. Stacy's back. Oscar: That's great, man. Deleted Scene 10 Devon: Hey Scott. Hey. Hey! Hey! Come here! Come here! I want to talk to you. Come here! Michael: You know what? It was nice to see Devon again. To sort of get closure on that whole thing.

Dwight's Speech
Deleted Scene 1 Dwight: My future is so bright, Jim. Jim, do you know how bright my future is? It's so bright that... What? Do you know? Is there something I got to wear? Huh? Jim: Goggles? Dwight: [imitating '80s rock] Deleted Scene 2 Dwight: And what a lot of people don't understand about sales is that it has so much to do with organization. I have a system in place for keeping track of who I speak to, when I speak to them and what we have discussed. Etcetera. Michael: That's it? You're going to end with "etcetera"? Okay, what's this big organizational system that... Dwight: Well, do you think I should describe our filing system? Michael: That would be suicide. Never, never talk specifics. Not in a speech. But the fact that you have no idea what to say is, believe it or not, the least of our worries. Dwight: It is? Michael: It's your delivery... Dwight: What is? Michael: Our biggest worry. Dwight: I don't follow. Michael: My God, Dwight. The best way to learn is by watching. That's why porn is a multi-trillion-dollar industry. Listen. Okay. Sit down, let me wow you. [clears throat] [shouting] Dwight: Oh, God! Michael: See, I have your attention now, don't I? You're scared, but now you're ready to learn. Deleted Scene 3 Dwight: Well, that didn't go well. Michael: No, it did not. And that is because at no time did you employ the use of humor. We'll find you a joke that not even you can ruin. Michael: All right, listen up, please. Dwight has a joke. Dwight: [whispering to Angela] Stop it. [to the office] Two sailors walk into a bar... Meredith: Please don't tell a sailor joke. Dwight: Oh, why not? Phyllis: Her nephew's in Iraq. Michael: Iraq is sand. Sailors are on water. Pam: Yes, but they are both in danger. Michael: Yeah, well, you know what? We need to... All right, everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Deleted Scene 4 Michael: Who's gonna start. How about Phyllis? You kick us off and then we'll move around. Go ahead. Phyllis: What are we supposed to talk about? Michael: Anything your heart desires. Phyllis: I would like to toast to the good fortune I've been having lately... Michael: [shouting] Louder! Phyllis: I, uh, I met a man and I'm totally in love, and that's a chapter of my life that I thought had closed. Uh, I was terribly depressed for the longest time and I have to admit I had some very dark thoughts... Michael: Good. Good, good, good. That's good. Now see, that's not so hard, right? All right. Who's next? Who are we going to... Ryan. Ryan's next. Ryan: Why am I next? I thought we'd go in order? Michael: Don't be shy, shy boy. Don't be shy. Get up there. Ryan: Well... A lot of you know that I'm in business school. And while I'm learning a lot here, a lot, hopefully soon I'll land a challenging full-time or part-time position somewhere else. Dwight: All right. Stanley: Way to go, Ryan! Michael: Stop! Stop! Stop! That's, you know what? The toast is really not supposed to be about anything. It's certainly not supposed to be about going anywhere or doing anything else, so... Michael: Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death. Deleted Scene 5 Ryan: I got the stamps. Pam: The ones that say "love" on them? Ryan: The ones that say "39 cents." Pam: Oh. Doesn't matter. Ryan: I didn't think it did. Pam: As soon as they leave, well get Kelly and start. Ryan: Kelly's helping? Pam: Is that okay? Ryan: Yeah, sure. Deleted Scene 6 Michael: Ghosts. Lots of ghosts in this old Radisson. There it is, Rosebud Room. Memories. Wow, this turnout is pathetic. I packed the house, you know. Dwight: Oh, no, I don't think this is it. Michael: Numismatic. Numismatic Collectors. Nope, wrong room. Michael: Okay. They got sports medicine seminar, nope. Science fiction convention, nope. Dwight: Oh, yeah, I read about that. The entire cast of Battlestar Galactica is gonna be here, including Starbuck. I'm so in love with her. Michael: You're weird. Dwight: No, no, no. It's totally normal, 'cause she's not a Cylon or anything. She's just a great human fighter pilot. If I see her, my heart will explode. Michael: Are you a 12-year-old girl? I don't know. There we go. Deleted Scene 7 Michael: Ah, look at me. I'm huge in Wilkes-Barre. Performing nightly, Michael Scott. Not comedy fans here, which is fine because not having a sense of humor is just as fine as having one. Questions? Comment? Can't see you, but I know that you're not breathing. I know you're breathing. Is this on? Hello? "Well, isn't that... Well, isn't that special?" "Jell-O pudding." Bill Cosby. I think Bill Cosby said it best when he talked about his brother and all of the fun he... All the great things they did together as kids. And there was the one time when he put the snowball in the freezer, and it... And he waited for five months and then he took the snowball out and he threw it... He would have thrown it at the kid but then his mother had thrown out the snowball so he couldn't throw it. So... Bill Cosby is smoking! And now some race car. [imitating race car engine] That brings me to my... Brings me to a point that you should always have a list of your clients. It's important to because a client list is next to godliness... List. [baby crying] Could you shut him up, please? I mean, who brings a baby to a sales conference? Really rude.

Take Your Daughter to Work Day
Deleted Scene 1 Angela: Okay. I think five plain and one veggie should be fine. Phyllis: How about pepperoni? Angela: No. Ryan: I like extra cheese. Angela: Absolutely not. Pam: I like extra cheese, too. Angela: Fine. The first lesson we'll teach children will be about obesity. Ryan: Thank you. Deleted Scene 2 Jim: I'm pretty excited about today. I baby-sit Toby's daughter Sasha sometimes. So, she's the coolest kid. She has seen me play with dolls, though, so I don't know how cool she thinks I am. Deleted Scene 3 Stanley: Put that away and learn. Melissa: Learn what? Stanley: Learn why Daddy's so cranky when he comes home from work. Stanley: I brought my daughter Melissa in. That girl is very spoiled. That child has no idea what I have to deal with so she can have her little cell phone and spend all my money at that Steamtown Mall. Deleted Scene 4 Abby: I'm gonna go read my book now. Kevin: [whispering] Angela. Is it okay if I'm the head accountant today? Angela: I'm the head accountant. Kevin: Yeah, but can I say that I'm it, just for today? Angela: I can't set that kind of precedent. She's a bright girl. She'd see right through that. Deleted Scene 5 Darryl: You must be pretty strong, huh? Jake: Yeah. Roy: You think you can beat up Darryl? Jake: Yeah. I don't know, maybe. Roy: I think you might be able to. Darryl: You think you could beat me up? Jake: Yeah. Yeah, I do. Darryl: Then you gotta have muscles, man. You got some muscles? Let's see. Jake: I got some muscles. You wanna see the muscles? Bam! Look at that. Michael: Hey, don't touch him, please! Darryl: Man, you have got to be kidding me. Michael: Didn't do background checks of the warehouse guys. [exclaims] Well, I'm sure it'll be fine. Deleted Scene 6 Jake: Can I have a quarter? I promise I'll pay you back. Michael: Sure. Jake: Can I have a dollar? Then I can buy chips and a drink. Michael: Okay. There you go. Jake: Will you marry my mom? Deleted Scene 7 Oscar: Melissa. Hey. I was working. I was in the middle of something. Melissa: Just give me two seconds, I'll be done. Oscar: I was in the middle of something. Melissa: Dude, seriously, just give me two seconds, I'll be done. Oscar: Stanley. Deleted Scene 8 Abby: ...get you, I'm gonna get you! Come back here for more! [squealing] Creed: Kids, kids, kids, slow down. Abby: Oh, I'm gonna get you! Deleted Scene 9 Dwight: What the... [pulls a pencil eraser out of his mug, after a drink] Deleted Scene 10 Abby: Did you draw that? Pam: Yeah. Do you like to draw, Abby? Abby: Yeah, I wanna be an artist when I grow up. Pam: Me, too. Abby: You are grown up. Deleted Scene 11 Kelly: So, how's your day been? Pam: Okay. It's been a little more tiring than I thought. Kelly: Yeah, it doesn't help that Stanley's daughter's such a slut. Pam: Hmm. Deleted Scene 12 Jim: Hey, Abby. I wanted to give you this for all your hard work today. Look. Michael signed it and everything. Official. Abby: Thank you so much. Jim: Absolutely. Dwight: Oh, I hate to break it to you, Abby. The certificate's a fake. Okay? It's not real. Where's the certification number, Halpert? Jim: Actually, I have the certification number right here. Dwight: Oh, really? Uh-huh. Jim: Yup. Dwight: Oh. Okay. Fine. Well done. Jim: All right. Jim: "A7557962." Totally nonsense numbers, but you do what you have to do.

Michael's Birthday
Deleted Scene 1 Jim: Michael's birthday. It's pretty fun to watch, actually. He gets very excited, and then he eats a lot of cake. And then he runs around the office. Then he has a sugar crash in the afternoon. And then he falls asleep. And that's when we get our work done. Deleted Scene 2 Dwight: Let's get the party started. Michael: That's not how I taught you, right? [singing] My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lump Check it out [Dwight imitating drumbeat] Dwight: Michael's birthday is hard for me because he gets very excited. But he's also under a lot of pressure, which builds up until he's ready to explode. As his right-hand man, it's my job to release that pressure so that he can enjoy himself, if only for a moment. Deleted Scene 3 Michael: Okay, here's the thing about bosses and employees. A good boss will say, "Hey, it's my birthday. Celebrate me." A great boss will say, "Hey, it's my birthday. Celebrate yourselves, because you are the ones who made me great, and I will acknowledge your contributions with donuts." Deleted Scene 4 Michael: Good. You know, Ryan, you didn't have to get me a present. Ryan: I won't. Michael: Good. Great. Ryan: Okay, good. I think I'm gonna go. Michael: No, I think you're gonna stay. Deleted Scene 5 Michael: On my 20th birthday, my supposed best friend, Sam Ambrose, ditched me for his twin sister's Sweet Sixteen party. And that was my worst birthday. Until today. Deleted Scene 6 Kevin: Can you please stop staring at me? [Dwight continues to stare and then walks away] Dwight: To think that a man's skin could turn on him. It's brilliant, 'cause you'd never expect it. Most people think of their skin as an ally. [scoffs] Makes me rethink having skin at all. Deleted Scene 7 Michael: [knock on door] Mmm-hmm. Ryan: Hey. I got the information. Michael: Oh, good. Okay. Don't tell me, tell them. Ryan: [turns to camera] "The survival rate for localized melanoma is 98%." Michael: Oh, my God. That's a piece of cake. That's a piece of cake. Oh, 2%. Jeez, that's good. Ryan: [looking at camera] "There was 7,800 deaths from melanoma in 2005." Michael: Out of, like, 18 billion Americans, so, no worry. Ryan: "For localized melanoma, the five-year survival rate is 98%. The survival rates for regional and..." Michael: Those were probably misdiagnosed. I mean, anybody with a zit goes in and says, "I have cancer." Ryan: "The skin is the largest organ of the body." Michael: Untrue. The heart is bigger than the skin. If you stretched the heart out, it would cover more than the entire body. Deleted Scene 8 Angela: I'm not afraid of dying. I know where I'm going. But if I were Kevin, I might be terrified. Gluttony.

Drug Testing
Deleted Scene 1 Jim: [growling] Nice. Pam: Kevin. Jim: Yeah. Pam: Do someone else. Jim: Um, [gives Pam a look] Pam: Angela. Jim: Whoa. Pam: The eyebrow. Jim: Yeah. Deleted Scene 2 Dwight: I'm not only hoping to find the culprit who committed this heinous crime, I am praying to find this heinous culprit. And I will pray to Thor himself, if that's what it takes. Deleted Scene 3 Toby: Michael's behavior is erratic and unpredictable, but I don't think he's doing drugs. Maybe he should. Take the edge off. Uh, not at work, of course. Deleted Scene 4 Dwight: People use marijuana to escape. Jim does not have a girlfriend. His sales are nothing to brag about. And he does not belong to any organized clubs. If that were my life, I'd do drugs. Deleted Scene 5 Phyllis: He asked if you've been acting withdrawn lately. Stanley: And what did you say? Phyllis: I said no. Stanley: Hmm. Phyllis: You're welcome. Dwight: Your turn, Stanley. [Stanley just takes a drink from his mug] Angela, you're up. Deleted Scene 6 Pam: Last night? Let's see. Dwight: Go ahead. Don't lie. Pam: I won't. It's just that last night is really hard for me to remember because I was just a teensy bit high. Should I have not said that? Dwight: No, no, no. It's okay. Go ahead. Pam: I know that I shouldn't have done it. But I was in the parking lot at the Quick and Easy. Dwight: Oh. Pam: And I took a bong hit from my Bong Water with my pimp. Dwight: Oh. Deleted Scene 7 Meredith: Pam said you had something important to tell me. Is it bad? Am I getting fired? [Jim shakes head 'no'] Why aren't you telling me? It must be bad. They're taking away my kid. I knew it. [Jim waves arms and shakes head 'no'] They're not taking away my kid. Oh. Deleted Scene 8 Kelly: Oh, sure, I can definitely help you with that. Okay? Please hold. Dwight: Kelly Kapour. Say your prayers. Let's go. Conference room, pronto. Come on, step it up. Deleted Scene 9 Michael: Drugs are everywhere in our society. They are omniscient. If you look at the amount of pot that was smoked in the United States last year, that would reach the moon. Oscar: How? Michael: Exactly. I know. It's amazing. Oscar: No, how could it reach the moon? Like, would you make it into a rope, or... Creed: I have some hemp ropes at my house, they're really strong... Michael: Shut... Shut it. No. Just... Just focus on the facts. Cocaine. They use cocaine. Deleted Scene 10 Dwight: Oh, me? Just one of the gang. Sitting in the back, doodling, not playing attention. Bam! Pow! Surprise! Got you! [Note pad reads, "Creed -Shifty eyes / Ryan - Dilated pupils / Kelly - Hyperactive"] There's a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy in your midst, and he is taking names. Deleted Scene 11 Michael: One thing that you need to remember is that there's no way of knowing who's a user, who's an abuser, because we don't know. It could be anybody. Your instinct is to say it's somebody-like Stanley or Oscar... Stanley: Excuse me? Michael: No, no! Your instinct. That... Your gut reaction is to say that, but I don't! That's, that's... Those are instincts that have been created by media and hype. And they are wrong. What I am saying is that you just do not know who drug users are. It may be the person you least suspect. It may be somebody hot, like Pam, or it could be somebody matronly, like Phyllis, but just not me. Phyllis: It's not me, either. Michael: No? okay, fine. Jan: [on the phone] Michael, I'm gonna get going. I really don't think I need to be in this meeting. Michael: Okay, well, I really think that... [dial tone beeping] Pam: Has she been on the phone the whole time? Michael: Yeah. Sorry you had to hear that. It was a lovers' quarrel. Dwight: Make-up sex. Nice! Kevin: Nice. Michael: Okay, let's get personal for a second, shall we? Deleted Scene 12 Dwight: The scary thing is, it could have been any one of these people. They all had a motive. To get high. Deleted Scene 13 Michael: Okay, well, I made up some fliers for everybody to take on your way out, in case you're ever tempted. So there you go. And, Dwight, you know, I'm very busy today. It wasn't even planning on going to the bathroom, so I don't even know if anything will come out. Dwight: just drink a lot of water. Michael: Well... Dwight: You have to relax your muscles around the bladder. Michael: I don't... Let's just not talk about it, okay? Deleted Scene 14 Pam: [reading from Michael's flier] "Drugs: Let's not and say we did." I think Michael was high when he wrote this. Deleted Scene 15 Toby: You know, sometimes I wish we just didn't have a conference room. [Kelly laughs] You know? He couldn't do that. Kelly: But then we wouldn't have any meetings. Toby: Yeah. Kelly: Okay. Bye, Toby. Toby: Bye. Kelly: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God. Hello? Yes, I am so, so sorry. Yeah, actually, I don't have that information just yet. Uh-huh. Listen, do you mind if I put you on a brief hold? Okay. Deleted Scene 16 Angela: I look forward to drug testing. I used to get a runner's high, which is why now I swim. Meredith: Why would I be worried? I'm not a drug user. I would never abuse my body like that. I mean, they are plenty of other ways to have fun. My body is 100% drug-free. Deleted Scene 17 Pam: [telephone ringing] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Um, hold, please. [to Jim] There's a Brenda on the phone for you. [to Brenda] Just one second, I'll transfer. Jim: [telephone ringing] [shows note to camera "It's OK. She'll call back!"] Deleted Scene 18 Man: She's got it up now. Sheriff: He'll be up. Okay, sure. I'll get someone down. Dwight: Hey. Hey. Jerry. Sheriff: Thanks. Dwight: Sheriff Pierce? I'm turning in my badge. Sheriff: Where sis you get that? Dwight: I got it here. Sheriff: No. No, you didn't. we didn't give you this. Dwight: No, I mean at the gift shop. Also, I can't wear this anymore. Sheriff: You were never supposed to wear this in the first place, Dwight. Come on now, seriously, you got me concerned here a little bit. Dwight: Oh, don't worry. I never abused my power. I only tried to help the Sheriff's Department in any way I could. Sheriff: Right, well... Why don't you give me a couple examples of ways that you've helped us out? Dwight: Oh, God, there are so many. Roadside assistance, breaking up unruly parties, surveillance... Sheriff: Surveillance? Dwight: Crowd control, directing traffic... Sheriff: Mace! You... You've been carrying around weapons-grade Mace? Dwight: I've only had to use it once. Deleted Scene 19 Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: [tosses the butt of a joint in parking lot] We should get a pizza. Vance Refrigeration Worker #2: I hate pizza.

Conflict Resolution
Deleted Scene 1 Dwight: [elevator bell dings] What is this? What happened here? Jim: I don't know. Dwight: Oh, this does not look good. Did anyone see what happened around my desk area this morning? Jim: Dwight, I really think someone's probably just playing a prank on you, so just go right through it. Dwight: A prank, huh? This is official police line tape, okay? It's not a prank. Jim: Probably is. Dwight: Damn it, people! Someone must have seen something! [Jim's cell phone beeping] Oh, you people are useless. Jesus. Pam: [telephone ringing] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Hold, please. Dwight, it's the Sheriff. He said that it's really important. It's regarding your desk. I'll transfer. Dwight: Oh, no, no, don't! I can't... [groans] [telephone ringing] Jim: Just cut through it, man, it's no big deal. Dwight: This is why I'm a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy and you're not. Jim: That is not why. Wow, man, he really wants to get in touch with you. Maybe it's a murder. Dwight: No, there's no blood. Jim: Maybe poison? Dwight: Possibly. Jim: My God! Dwight: [exclaiming in fear] No, Jim, no! [Jim knocks Dwight's phone off its cradle] [yelling toward the phone] Sheriff, this is Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy Dwight Schrute. Press the pound key! What's your 20? Deleted Scene 2 Michael: Nothing much is happening today. We are having our photo IDs taken. Whoop-de-doo. Can't always be like The Apprentice. Ryan: I know. Michael: On Big Brother, something important happens every day. But real life is not like that. Deleted Scene 3 Photographer: [Dwight slurping] Okay, here we go. One, two... Dwight: He sometimes wears glasses, write that down. Also, that may not be his real hair. Deleted Scene 4 Michael: I hate it when people don't tell each other why they're angry. My dad was like that. I would say, "What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad?" Over and over and over. And he would just look at me like I was an idiot. Deleted Scene 5 Dwight: I'm the one who petitioned the office board to have these ID badges taken. Photographer: So there were no death threats? Dwight: Let me see your ID. Deleted Scene 6 Michael: There is this old story about two women who each think they are the mother of this baby. And they can't decide, so they bring the baby to a wise man. Just like a manager in those days. And the wise man says, "I will adopt this baby and raise it as a Hindu." See? They didn't expect that. And that fixed it. Because I think he was the dad anyway. Deleted Scene 7 Michael: There are dozens of old complaints in here. Cold cases, like the show. [imitating gonging] And Toby is a lazy detective who has decided that these armed robberies and rapes and murder/suicides are not important enough to solve. Well, you know what? I have a problem with that. And I'm going to open up these cases before Toby can kill or rape another person. Deleted Scene 8 Photographer: All right. Pam: That's not bad. Hey, do you do weddings? Photographer: Would you seriously want your wedding photos to look like that? Deleted Scene 9 Jim: Not bad. Dwight: I gave her a higher clearance than you. Jim: What does Level Red mean? Dwight: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. [laughing maniacally] Deleted Scene 10 Meredith: Wait. [puts eye drops in] [Photographer takes the shot and her eyes are closed] Kevin: No, wait. [put on a hat] Yeah. Deleted Scene 11 Phyllis: You must have misdialed. This is Phyllis. No, I'm not sure what his extension is. [glares at Stanley as he glares right back] Deleted Scene 12 Michael: Wow! I never thought Dwight would go postal. It's always the person you least expect and I always thought Dwight would go postal. Deleted Scene 13 Phyllis: Come on, Dwight, I think it's actually healthy to get it off your chest. Dwight: I'm done talking. I am a Schrute. We don't back down. Phyllis: You're arrogant and pompous, and I don't like you. Deleted Scene 14 Michael: "Cage Match"? I don't know if it was in the packet from corporate, because I barely read any of it. So if you're asking if I stole their idea, the answer is no. Deleted Scene 15 Hank the Security Guard: Excuse me, sir! Dwight Schrute, is that your real name? Dwight: Yes, sir. Kevin: Morning. Hank the Security Guard: Good morning. Okay, go ahead. Dwight: Thank you. [elevator door closes] No, come on... God!

Casino Night
Deleted Scene 1 Michael: Everybody, in the conference room now, please. Thank you. Time is money. Dwight: Do you need anything? Michael: No. Dwight: Should I get water or donuts? Michael: No. Dwight: Come on, let's go. Take a seat. Oscar: What's going on, Michael? Michael: I want somebody to give me the name of one of our biggest competitors. Dwight: Office Depot! Michael: Good. Yes, that will work. All right. Now I need a plural noun. [All groaning] Pam: Apparently Michael has come up with a Dunder Mifflin Mad Lib, and he's making us play it with him. We are so happy. No. I'd like to choose a different adjective. Michael: How about a location? Dwight: The planet Caprica. Michael: Where the hell is that? Dwight: It's from Battlestar Galactica. Michael: Okay, all right. Stanley: I am going back to my desk... Michael: No, no, no. No, no, not until you give me an adjective. Stanley: Annoying. Michael: We already have that. So... Toby: Frustrating. Michael: No, Toby, damn it, come on! We already have that. I need something fun. Something like fat or smelly. Or pukey. Pukey. Pukey's good. Okay. Pukey. Now I need a noun. Phyllis: Ass. Michael: Good. Thank you, Phyllis. That wasn't so hard. All right, here we go. "Office Depot is an annoying store. One day Creed went there to buy paper. And he ran into irritating Cylons." Dwight: Yeah, get them, Creed! Michael: "One of them was named Michael Scott, and he was an..." Oh, damn it. Okay. Okay, okay, we're... Okay, we're starting over. Deleted Scene 2 Dwight: My charity is the Farm Defense Fund. It's one of the best organizations that fights infestation of the beet armyworm. Deleted Scene 3 Jim: My charity is the Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Department, because Dwight's a Volunteer Sheriff. So I thought this was a perfect opportunity to support/mock him. Deleted Scene 4 Dwight: I don't believe that Jim moved that coat rack. But if he did, he has an obligation to use his gift wisely. With great power comes great responsibility. They could do a cross-section of his brain to find out more. But I don't think it's true, though. Deleted Scene 5 Michael: Look, if anything goes missing, we will reimburse. Darryl: Yeah. Can Dunder Mifflin afford that? Michael: Dang! Paper making paper, I.e. money. Darryl: What? Michael: Paper money. [clears throat] Yeah. The company's doing fine. Darryl: Mike, we're not shipping as much as we did last year. Michael: Hey. Okay. You know what? Don't even think. I command you to just go down and have fun tonight. All right? Don't think about it. Michael: Our numbers are down, yes, but we have a heck of a crew here in Scranton. Hardworking, motivated, dynamic. Every single last one of them. They follow my lead. I sort of set the tone. And it doesn't hurt that my ex works for corporate. Jan loves this branch, and I think that's really more than half the battle. Deleted Scene 6 Pam: It is extremely stressful, planning a wedding by yourself. It's like a job. I mean, it's fun, but it kind of becomes like work. I've already planned it all out in my head. But it's just in my head. Deleted Scene 7 Meredith's Vet: Hey. Meredith, right? Meredith: Oh, God. Oh, no. I have this problem all the time. I never remember people I've had sex with. Meredith's Vet: I'm your vet. Meredith: Oh, right. Meredith's Vet: And we had sex in the parking lot.