Off the Grid

(K. C. screaming) Mom! Dad! Ernie, get down here! (Muffled speech) Uh, mouthguard. What is going on? We are completely late for school. Mom and Dad forgot to wake us up this morning. And clean up last night's dinner? I don't know where they are. Ew. That tofu turkey smells to-funky. We should throw it out. Uh, if we threw things out based on the way they smell, you would've been gone a long time ago. So where the heck are Mom and Dad? Wait a minute. Last night when I was texting Marisa and you were searching for chest hairs mom said something about leaving on an extremely dangerous mission. Mom and Dad are off the grid? Mom and Dad are off the grid! All right. Ernie, Ernie, stop it! Okay? Do not worry. I'm just gonna call headquarters. Hey, K. C., what's up? Hey, Wally, um, our mom and dad haven't come home yet and we're starting to get a little worried. A little worried? I'm having a stage fright, pee in my pants, freak out! Guys, relax. Some assignments take a little longer. It's certainly nothing to pee about. Okay, for the record, that's Ernie, I am completely potty trained. Okay. Can't you just give us some details about their mission? Maybe we can help them. No can do. Unfortunately, you don't have clearance. Look, we're monitoring the situation. I promise, there's absolutely, positively no reason for you to panic. Take care now. The Coopers are off the grid! The Coopers are off the grid! This is bad, people! Code red! Code red! Hey, why is this little green light still on? Oops. (Beeps) Okay, now you can pee. Too late. Oh, when danger comes for you You know I'll stand beside you 'Cause ain't nobody keep their heads so cool I always find a way, a way out of the fire But don't tell nobody, tell nobody I'm not perfect, so many things I Want to tell you, but I I keep it undercover Living my life on red alert Doing my thing, gonna make it work Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless But I always got your back Nobody can do it like I can I got to find out who I am Ain't got to worry about me It's all part of the plan I keep it undercover I keep it undercover This doesn't make sense. Mom always wears her bracelet on missions and she's not answering. Where are Mom and Dad? Where are Mom and Dad? Okay, Ernie, stop it. Okay? Solution to all of our problems is in this freezer and before you ask, no, it is not ice cream. There is a hidden message inside this box of spinach. Mom said in the event of emergency, all we have to do is play it and it will tell us exactly what to do. Why'd they stick it in spinach? Because they wanted to put it in a food that had no chance of being eaten. K. C. , if you're seeing this message, it means that something has gone wrong. And it's most likely your father's fault. My fault? Why can't it be your fault? Stay on task, honey. This is no time for placing blame. (Mouths) His fault. A burner phone is hidden in the frozen Brussels sprouts. Use it to text the following message to the pre-dialed number. Goose and gander. There's trouble in the nest. We're counting on you, K. C. Counting on you? Pssh. What about me? I'm just as tough and brave as you are. Ow! Shot! Man down! Man down! Oh, man up. Well, I got to admit, I'm a little disappointed in how this mission has turned out so far. (Grunting) Relax, baby, relax. Goose and gander will get us out of this. I still can't believe we went with goose and gander. What's wrong with goose and gander? Nothing, it just seems like more of a job for franks and beans. You didn't hear? Beans split with franks and partnered with rice 2 years ago. So now franks and beans is beans and rice? Mm-hmm. Man, all this spy talk is making me hungry. (Grunts) Craig, what if this is it? I mean what if we never see the kids again? Hey, don't do that. Spies cannot cry. You hear me? Spies cannot cry! Although we can whimper every now and then. I know. This is crazy. We texted goose and gander hours ago, where are they? Maybe they flew south for the winter? Sorry, I make bad jokes when I'm nervous. So you're always nervous? (Knocking on door) Oh, my gosh, I am so glad that you're Marisa. Oh, me too. I love being me. Although it is a lot of work sometimes. Uh, Marisa, what are you doing here? Well, so far not feeling welcome. I'm sorry. It's just that my parents went out last night and they haven't come home yet. Way to rage! Coopers, your parents still got it! No, I don't know where they went or when they're coming back. Don't stress, I know exactly what to do. Throw a party. Oh. Marisa, my parents are missing. Yes. Missing a party. The only party we're throwing is a going away party. Oh, for who Take a guess. Well, you always did have a knack for making girls go away. (Knocking on door) (Sighs) What do you want now? I want to know who in the cheese Danish you think you're talking to. Grandma Gayle, Pops, what are you guys doing here? Standing at the doorway catching a sniffle while you ask a lot of fool questions, that's what we're doing. Sorry. Oh, it's so good to see you guys! But if you're sick, you should really just go home. Love you. See you guys at Easter. No. Why are you being cagey? Why are you being cagey? Why are you asking so many questions? Why are you asking us why we're asking you so many questions? Othello, it's pretty clear what's going on here. Both: You're spies! And your parents are spies. Wait. How would you guys know that unless You guessed it, stringbean. The goose and gander have come home to roost. Grandma and Pops are spies too. No way! Yes way. Okay, uh, I know that 70 is the new 60 and 60 is the new 50 but, um, aren't you guys like 100? Don't you think that maybe you're just, well, a little too old to be spies? We're retired. But we're coming out of retirement to help you find your parents. That's right! We're back, baby. (Bones snapping) Oh, my back, baby. Oh. If they called it a code red, it means your parents have been compromised. And the organization will have no choice but to disavow them. Disavow? It means they're cut off, on their own, and it's up to us to save them. Oh, don't worry, sweet potato. We will not rest till we find them. Absolutely no rest! Now if you'll excuse me, I got to take a nap. Pops, this is not a time for a nap. My parents have been off the grid for over 12 hours. What is this about, a soft squid for $12? That's a terrible deal! I don't know what's worse, the fact that he can't hear or the fact that he knows the going rate of squid? I can't believe the organization won't give us any intel. (Sighs) I got to work around for that. We sneak into HQ late tonight, like 7:30. I know one of the telephone operators. They'll tell us where your parents are. Um, Pops, I'm pretty sure they haven't had telephone operators there since like the 1950s. Oh, you're right. I don't know what I was thinking. We'll ask the elevator operator. To do what? Get in the time machine and meet us at headquarters? How about we just have Ernie hack into the HQ's logistic network and find out Mom and Dad's last known location via GPS? Well, sure, if you want to be all lazy bones about it. K. C. , listen. In my day, we relied less on whiz-bang gizmos and more on good old fashioned brainpower. What was I talking about? Ernie getting on his whiz-bang gizmo computer. That's a good idea. Ernie You see, I love Grandma and Pops like crazy but man, they're just so old. I mean, what was their last mission? Colonizing the dang Americas? So they're old, that doesn't mean they're gonna hurt the mission. Oh. Pops! What did you do to my disk drive? Disk drive? I thought it was a cup holder. Sweetheart, if this is it, I want to confess something. I was the one who forgot to pack that grappling hook that time in Sierra Leone. Sierra Leone! Why didn't I do this sooner? Oh, wait, I admit one stupid mistake and you take your wedding ring off? So that's it? We're through marriage, kaput? Oh, kaput a sock in it. (Laughs) I forgot about that ring. The last time you used it was Sierra Leone. Sierra Leone. Exactly. Ow. This thing is killing my fingers. Well, then let me help you. Trying to escape, huh? Am I that bad a host? You know, I could run out, pick us up some scones. Don't bother, it's a privilege to be caged up by Regina Honey. I was beginning to think you'd forgotten us, Miss Honey. I don't forget about my favorite guests. Never! Cut the bunk, Honey. Don't use that tone with me, Craig. I'm just telling her that, honey, not you, honey. All right, sorry, honey. Oh, no problem. Oh, right, duh. Sorry about the cages but that's what you get when you try to steal my new invention. We had no choice. Your new laser technology could change the balance of power in the world overnight! I know! I'm counting on it. Is that them? No. Is that them? No. Is that them? No. Is that them? Yes. Really? No! Would you let me do my job and find them? (Knocking on door) Hey, did your parents show up yet? Oh, Grandma Gayle, it's so good to see you again. Hello, Marisa. I don't like that girl. She's a bad influence. You know, I'm not the one with the hearing aid, right? Marisa, now is not really a good time. Why? None of your beeswax snoopy. This welcome mat is very misleading! Hmm, got it. I finally trianglulated mom and dad's last known location. The hilltop estate of Regina Honey. Regina Honey? Don't tell me she is up to her shenanigans again? Hey, what are you guys just standing around for? We've got a rescue mission. Yes. Yes, that is the attitude, Pops. All right, guys, let's go. Right behind you! Soon as I tinkle. Here. Put these on. Why should we? Because tonight you're gonna be the guests of honor at an auction benefiting my favorite charity. Let me guess. You? Yes. (Snaps fingers) I'm auctioning off my newest invention. A select group of infamous criminals will be bidding. (Snaps fingers) (Power surging) Impressive, huh? Imagine what it could do to a human being. Or Alaska! So why do we have to be there? Oh, didn't I mention? Tonight you two will be playing the part of the orange. It's a very juicy role! (Snickering) Yes, I've located them. They're in the basement. Once we get over the outer wall, it's a straight shot to Mom and Dad. Okay, so I'll lead the rescue team (Clears throat) As I was saying, I will lead the rescue team (Clears throat) Can someone please get Grandma a lozenge? I'm calling the shots, pudding pop. I'll lead the rescue team. Ernie's with me, you and Pops go undercover as criminals, attend the auction and recover the laser doohickey. Uh, wh what's my cover? You'll be going as Greta Norwood, mercenary and all around Texas bad girl. She's already on Honey's RSVP list. Oh, wait, so I'm going as someone who's already going. Do you see the problem with that, Grandma? I got your cover covered, hot wings! This is not my first rodeo. But it just might be yours. Say hello to Greta Norwood. Ride 'em, cowgirl. Yes, we are finally back on track. Yippee kai-yay! What's your cover, Pops? Well, I'm going with an oldie but a goodie. No, no, no no. The cover identity that worked for me on over 137 missions. Don't say it, baby, please, please, please, don't say it! El Dorado. Othello, I'm begging you, no El Dorado! Yes, Gayle! El Do-ra-do! Oh! El Dorado rides again! What does El Dorado mean, Pops? Well, it's Spanish for the dorado? Yo! What's up, haters? Such an impressive group tonight. It's a real who's who of who's wanted. May the worst man win! Do women not get a chance to bid around here? 'Cause if not, I'm gonna be madder than a sack of cats. Greta Norwood I presume? Happy you and your checkbook could make it. Oh, yes, ma'am. I'm as happy to be here as a hungry tick on a fat dog. I'm sorry. Exactly who are you? I, madam, am El Dorado! El Dorado? Um I didn't invite you. (Snaps fingers) In fact, I've never heard of you. Y-You've never heard of El Dorado? Well, ma'am, have you been hiding under a rock? Well, not since 2007. Well, I've heard of El Dorado aka El Do-rich-o. The man's got so much money, he could wipe his caboose with $100 bills. Ew! Oh, get your mind out of the toilet, ma'am. He's got his own train. So you can vouch for him? Oh, yeah, he's legit. Or my name isn't Greta Norwood. Well, then. Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Dorado! Oh, please. Call me El. (Gasping) Grandma maybe you should take a break. Catch your breath. Hey, I didn't get this new hip for nothing. Try to keep up, Peter Pocket. According to my tracker, Mom and Dad are behind this steel reinforced door. Fortunately, I brought my sonic lock picker. Unfortunately, I left it in the van. Move aside, fish stick. Grandma, you still got it. Honey, I ain't never lost it. Mom, Dad! They're gone. Come on. All righty! We're going to start the auction. Now before I open the bidding, I'm going to give a couple of you the chance to fire my weapon at a live target. (Snaps fingers) Well live for a few more minutes anyway. Is that who I think it is? You bet your El Dorado it is. Senora! El Dorado would like to be the first to try your deadly weapon. Don't think so, El Dorado! I prefer to go by rank. General. (Groans) No. No. Mom! Dad! Are you okay? I was so worried. I love you too, son, but little less chitchat and little more untying please, thank you. Mom, look out! Grandma, what kind of hip did they give you? The bionic kind, baby. (Grunts) Oh, really? Come on. Come on. (Groans) You almost made me drop my purse. All right. Great work. Let's get that laser and get out of here. I don't think so. So glad your whole family showed up. Now I got a few more test dummies for my laser! Hey! Nobody takes out my family. Okay, be careful, Pops. Don't worry about me, I got gas. Well, thank you for the overshare but I'm pretty sure your gas isn't gonna stop her. Think again! Oh. All right. Way to go, Pops. Talk about silent but deadly. Yeah. I've never been happier to see you guys. Let's go. Not so fast! Did you really think I'd invite a roomful of ruthless maniacs to my house and not have a gas mask handy? Uh, well, we were kind of hoping. Eeny meeny miny I'm gonna blast you first, cowgirl. Oh, no! You're not! (Screaming) (Cheering) Grandma, you just saved me. How did you know to bring a high impact laser deflector? I didn't. It's just a cheap compact I got at Klettner's department store. It came free with the pantyhose. Not bad for a couple of old farts, huh? Hey, wait, is that what was in that cane? Oh. (Laughter) You know, I got to admit knitting is actually kind of cool. I'm surprised you took an interest, baby. Yeah, I guess I just have a newfound appreciation for doing things old school. All right. I am done with this sweater. Where's the neck hole? All right, I am done with this pillow case. (Laughing) You know, you can't knit worth a lick, but you are a great undercover spy. Thanks. I got it from my grandma. Yes, you did. So, uh, did you learn how to knit from your grandma? Heck to the no. I just learned from the app on my phone. Get with the times, chimichanga. GIRL: Rob, your name's on TV!