Wild Hogs

WILD HOGS

Written by

Brad Copeland

FIRST DRAFT

REVISED 7/06/05

FADE IN:

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

ANGLE ON: BILLY MATTHEWS, 8, ravenously eating a plate of hashbrowns, runny fried eggs and syrupy waffles.

WOMAN'S VOICE (O.C.) Doug?... We see DOUG MATTHEWS, 40's, sitting across the table, staring at his son, Billy. Doug is handsome in that honest, sincere way. A guy you would call to help you move a couch. He watches Billy scoop up his hashbrowns with a frosted pop-tart. Billy catches his Dad's look and grins with his mouth full. Doug smiles back, then looks down at his own plate. He has scrambled egg whites and sliced tomatoes. His smile fades away.

WOMAN'S VOICE (O.C.) (CONT'D)         Doug? Doug snaps out of it and looks up at his wife, KELLY MATTHEWS. She's attractive, with a patient smile.

KELLY I've got some stuff to do for the party tomorrow. Can you take Billy to school?

DOUG What "stuff"? This party isn't going to         be fancy, is it? Just some friends and a         wing platter from Costco?

KELLY It's a our 10th anniversary, Doug. Its going to be a nice party with nice food and nice music. And wings have carbs, so         you can't eat them anyway.

BILLY

(MOUTH FULL) I'll eat 'em. Doug gives Billy a look.

DOUG No you won't. Because I'm going to         scrape the batter off.

BILLY That doesn't work.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 2.

DOUG I went to medical school. You think I         don't know how carbs work?

BILLY Dentists go to medical school? Doug looks a little insulted.

KELLY Doug, can you take Billy or not?

DOUG Yeah, I can take him. There aren't any emergencies at the office this morning.

KELLY You have emergencies?

DOUG

(INDIGNANT) Yes, I have emergencies. That's what my         pager is for. one beep from that thing, and bam. I'm off. Like a cheetah. Billy, now pouring lucky charms into a bowl, looks up.

BILLY

(MOUTH FULL) The battery ith gone in that thing. You took them out for the TV clicker. Doug gives Billy a look.

DOUG I did do that. I forgot about that. I         need to get some batteries in there. Because dentists do have emergencies. We         are doctors, you know? We take the same oath. The oath of saving lives. Doug goes to take some of Billy's discarded Lucky Charms. Billy swats his hand away.

BILLY

(MOUTH FULL) Uh uh. Carbth. Doug nods, defeated, as Billy hops up and dumps the remaining lucky charms in the trash.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 3.

INT. VOLVO - LATER THAT MORNING

DOUG drives a Volvo station wagon along the streets of         Cincinnati. BILLY is next to him, in the passenger seat, looking bored. Doug notices.

DOUG You know, I use to race a car like this. Put a hemi under the hood... Nobody saw me coming.

BILLY Really?

DOUG Yup. It could really... smoke some ass. Billy raises his eyebrows, impressed. Doug smiles. This was a good time to break the "no saying ass" rule.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Yes, sir. They called it the dragon wagon. You're lucky to be in here without a helmet, pal. We both are. Doug downshifts a gear, and the tame engine roars artificially. Billy is impressed.

BILLY Awesome! Hey, can I jam the radio?

DOUG Heck yeah, you can jam the radio. Doug tussles Billy's hair and smiles.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. TRAFFIC LIGHT - A FEW MINUTES LATER

The Volvo pulls up to a red light. Radio Disney blares "MICKEY LOVES MAMBO" from the stereo. BILLY bobs his head along with the music. DOUG looks out the window and sees a mid-twenties guy in a Porsche, staring at him. Doug nods hello, then awkwardly faces forward.

FADE OUT:

FADE BACK IN ON:

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 4.

INT. SMALL OFFICE - MORNING

VOICE ON SPEAKERPHONE Bob?...         BOB LEVENSTEIN, 40s, is working at his computer. Bob is         good enough looking, but with a gawky wimpishness and burdened eyes. He tries to ignore the speakerphone.

VOICE ON SPEAKERPHONE (CONT'D)         Bob!? Bob cringes at the shrill, female voice.

BOB Hey, honey.

VOICE ON SPEAKERPHONE You need to come tell Haley she can't go         to a party tonight.

BOB (into speaker phone) Well, I'm technically at the office right now, so... The door behind him flings open, and KAREN LEVENSTEIN, attractive and harsh-looking, steps in holding a phone.

KAREN Are you kidding me!? You work in our guest bedroom, not an office.

BOB I know, I was just trying to make this

DEADLINE--

KAREN Yeah, and I have to go to a job that actually makes us money, Bob. So, get out here and tell Haley she's not going anywhere! Bob nods obediently and hurries out of the room.

INT. BOB'S HOUSE / KITCHEN - A MOMENT LATER

Bob enters the kitchen. His five year-old daughter, CLAIRE, wearing a dance leotard, walks up to him and smiles.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 5.

CLAIRE Hey, Daddy. Listen. (screams at the top of her

LUNGS)

EEEEEIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAA1 Bob winces, and looks around for his other daughter.

SFX: PHONE RINGS Bob reaches for it, but his other teenage daughter, HALEY, runs in, wearing a denim mini-skirt and Ugg boots.

HALEY No!! Don't touch that! It's Julien! Haley snatches the phone away from Bob.

BOB Actually, I need to talk to you--

HALEY

(IGNORING BOB) Hey, Julien. Yeah, totally. I'll         probably just drop by and chill.

BOB If that's about the party, you--

HALEY Dad! I'm talking, here. God! Haley storms out of the room. Bob goes to say something, but CLAIRE enters and looks up at him.

CLAIRE

(SCREAMING AGAIN) Eeeeeeeiiiiiaaaaa!! Bob just stares at her, as Karen enters the Kitchen.

KAREN (yelling above Claire) Did you talk to her? Tell me you talked to her. God! I have to do everything! Just get Claire to ballet. She's late.

BOB Well, I really have to finish my--

KAREN Your little article for the "Web" magazine, Bob?

(MORE)

"wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 6.

KAREN (CONT'D)         I have a shareholder meeting. And we         agreed that my career would be the priority, and you would work out of the house. You might not like it, but my job is higher paying. And I don't see you complaining about that hundred dollar shirt you're wearing. Bob looks down at his too-hip dress shirt.

BOB You bought this shirt for me. I was fine with my t-shirts--

KAREN Oh, you don't like the shirt now? Fine. Take it off.

BOB What?

KAREN Take it off! You don't want to wear nice things, don't. Off! Bob sighs and takes the shirt off. Karen snatches it         from him.

KAREN (CONT'D)         Now take Claire to her ballet class. It's starts in five minutes.

BOB Well, I have to get another--

KAREN Go! Five minutes! Karen pushes Bob out the door, with Claire skipping happily behind him.

INT. BOB'S CAR - A MOMENT LATER

Bob sits in the car, SHIRTLESS, next to Claire. He looks over at her, and notices a pink hoodie in her lap.

BOB You going to wear that?

CLAIRE For five dollars, I'm not. Bob sighs and reaches for his wallet.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 7.

INT. CHILDREN'S DANCE STUDIO - FIVE MINUTES LATER

A bunch of kids in dance leotards are starting a class. Claire comes running into the group, as Bob enters behind her, wearing the pink hoodie. It's way too small, and doesn't quite cover his belly. He sits with the parents and nods awkwardly to them. It's embarrassing.

FADE TO BLACK:

FADE BACK IN ON:

INT. MODERN HOUSE - MORNING

We see the pristine living room of an expensive, architectural house.

MALE VOICE (O.C.) Woody.

(GETTING ANGRY) Woody Stevens! We see WOODY STEVENS, 40s, handsome, but with shifty eyes and a Michael Keaton hairline, walk through the stylish house speaking into a cordless headset.

WOODY .No, you listen to me. You're not going to push me around. We agreed on a         price, and that's the price I'll pay. If         you don't like it, walk away... but you can kiss your business good bye, because that's what happens when you screw with Woody Stevens. You go down. Hard. As Woody talks, he passes by framed magazine covers of a         beautiful model, (CLAUDIA) as well as some pictures of           his wedding day with her, their exotic vacations, and one blownup glamour shot of Woody, shirtless, oiled and holding a greasy wrench.

WOODY (CONT'D)          .No, money's not the problem (LAUGHS) Money's never a problem. You just need to honor the correct price. Got it? Woody gets his answer, and angrily throws the headset down on a stack of moving boxes. He marches to the front door and throws it open.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 8.

EXT. WOODY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Woody yells out the front door.

WOODY .Then go home, Toby! You make me sick! ANGLE ON: The front yard. A ten-year-old boy is         standing with a rake, surrounded by leaves. He clicks off his cellphone and shrugs.

TOBY I can't do this many leaves for ten bucks! It'll take two hours!

WOODY Well, you should have thought of that before you put the "any yard for ten         bucks" flyer on the telephone pole. You're done on this block, now. And that goes for your band fund-raisers, too. I'm not buying any candy bars no matter what parade you dorks have to get to! Woody slams the door closed. Toby kicks at a pile of         leaves, then starts home.

FADE OUT:

FADE BACK IN ON:

INT. CLUTTERED OFFICE - MORNING

We see an office crowded with disassembled Apple computers, motherboards, and abandoned monitors.

COMPUTER VOICE Dudley? ANGLE ON: DUDLEY FRANK (late 30s), an odd-looking, curly- haired guy with black plastic glasses that are slightly too big for his face. He stares at a computer in front of him.

DUDLEY Yeah, hey, Mac. How's it go--

COMPUTER VOICE It is now nine o'clock am.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 9.

DUDLEY Thanks, Mac. Open internet, okay? A pause.

COMPUTER VOICE Command unknown.

DUDLEY Mac. Open. Internet. A pause.

COMPUTER VOICE It is now nine o'clock am.

DUDLEY Alright, Mac. I'll show you. Dudley clicks a few keys and nods satisfactorily.

COMPUTER VOICE Internet open. Dudley laughs good-naturedly.

DUDLEY Right, because I just opened it.

(SIGHS) I guess I need to research alternative specs.

COMPUTER VOICE Searching "alternative sex."

DUDLEY What? No! Dudley jumps forward and starts hitting the keys.

COMPUTER VOICE Two million websites found.

DUDLEY I didn't want to search that! I said specs... "all the data to be compiled."

COMPUTER VOICE Searching "sex all the day with child."

DUDLEY Ahhh, No!!

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 10. Dudley frantically starts ripping the power wires out of         the computer. The monitor goes dark. Dudley touches it         sadly, then looks over at a cat sitting on the edge of          the desk.

DUDLEY (CONT'D)

(TO CAT) Looks like it's still just you and me, icat. Dudley reaches out to pet the cat. It hisses at him angrily, and he quickly pulls his hand back.

DUDLEY (CONT'D)         Sorry.

CUT TO:

INT. DOUG MATTHEW'S OFFICE - THAT AFTERNOON

DOUG, now in his lab coat, sits at his desk, playing with a model of a mouth. The phone rings and Doug answers it.

DOUG

(INTO PHONE) Hey, honey. INTERCUT WITH KELLY: On the phone at home.

KELLY You busy?

DOUG Me? Oh, yeah. I've got a mouth right here in front of me. Doug takes a dental tool and hammers on the plastic mouth.

KELLY Don't they mind you being on the phone?

DOUG Well, it's not attached to a head, really. More research. Doug hits the mouth too hard and all the teeth fall out. He fumbles to stop them from scattering everywhere.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 11.

KELLY Oh. Well, I just wanted to tell you I         found a great rate for the Ritz-Carlton tomorrow night. I Thought it might be         romantic. Mom can stay here with Billy.

DOUG I don't know. Do you think we really need to stay at a hotel? I mean, Billy has his own room. Why don't we just buy new sheets? Like, hotel-colored ones. It'll be like the Ritz, but we won't have to pay to make phone calls!

KELLY

DOUG--

DOUG What? I'm just saying-- Suddenly, the speaker comes on overhead.

VOICE ON SPEAKER Dr. Matthews? Patient emergency in room eight. Doug snaps to attention.

DOUG Emergency?

(INTO PHONE) I've got to go! Emergency! Doug jumps out of his seat and scrambles over his desk and out the door.

INT. DENTAL EXAM ROOM - A SECOND LATER

Doug flies into an exam room, where a hygienist, DANA, is         looking into a male patient's mouth.

DANA Doctor Matthews. Finally. Take a look at this. Doug looks in the man's mouth and nods.

DOUG Acute molar abscess. That's going to         need emergency surgery.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 12.

DANA That's what I thought. Thank God you got here.

DOUG Yeah.

(BEAT) Well, let's send him over to an         Orthopedic surgeon.

DANA Absolutely. Thanks, doctor. Doug nods. He looks around for something else to do, but there's nothing. He moves a dental tool away from the edge of a tray, smiles politely and exits.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DOUG'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - LATER THAT AFTERNOON

DOUG, looking depressed, pulls into the driveway. He         looks over and sees BILLY and three of his friends shooting baskets. He smiles, gets out of the car and struts over.

DOUG

(TO KIDS) Yo! Matthews is open. Billy looks up and cringes a little bit, but passes the ball to DOUG. Doug dribbles it under his leg and charges the basket.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Taking it into the paint. Who's got the D? Whoop, too late, dudes! Booya! Doug jumps up to slam the ball, but only hammers it into the rim. The rim clangs loudly and the ball goes flying backwards. Billy's friends laugh a little. Doug notices.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Well, that's not really my shot. I         usually hit from downtown, you know? Doug grabs the ball out of the bushes and dribbles back to the three point line.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 13.

DOUG (CONT'D)         That's where the big games get won. Back here from the three-- Doug swivels, jumps up and releases the ball. It heads towards the basket, then falls down five feet before it. It looks more like a pass than a shot. Billy hangs his head, humiliated.

DOUG (CONT'D)         That was a pass, dudes! It wasn't.         Doug nods with false confidence to the kids, stands there awkwardly for a moment, then quietly heads inside.

INT. DOUG'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - A MOMENT LATER

DOUG enters and finds KELLY. She smiles and kisses him.

KELLY Hey, honey. Snack? Kelly hands Doug a sandwich bag of celery. He looks over to the table, where Kelly has laid out Ritz crackers covered in cheez whiz, for the kids. Doug puts the bag of celery down.

DOUG I'm okay. I think I'm just going to go         meet the guys for a beer.

KELLY

Okay. Lite beer, if you want to stick to         that diet.

DOUG

Right. Yes. Lite beer. No carbs. Just delicious beer... water. Doug smiles and heads upstairs. Kelly looks concerned.

CUT TO:

INT. DOUG'S BEDROOM - A MOMENT LATER

Doug enters his bedroom and shuts the door behind him. He sits down on the bed and lets out a long sigh.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 14. After a moment, he gets up and walks over to the closet. He opens it and we see: A leather biker jacket, leather chaps, boots, gloves, a black "half-helmet," etc. For the first time, we see a genuine smile come over Doug's         face.

MUSIC CUE: IGGY POP'S "REAL WILD ONE (WILD CHILD)"

EXT. DOUG'S DRIVEWAY - A FEW MINUTES LATER

The garage door on Doug's house rolls open like a theater curtain, and Doug, wearing the full leather biker getup, idles out of the garage on a gleaming, chromed-out Harley Davidson Fatboy. He looks around the neighborhood cockily, smiles, then kicks the bike into gear and rides into the street. The camera rotates around him and comes to rest on the back of his jacket, where we see a large patch that reads "Wild Hogs." The camera ZOOMS IN ON         THIS, and it becomes:

TITLE CARD

MUSIC CUE CONTINUES OVER FOLLOWING SCENES:

EXT. BOB LEVENSTEIN'S HOUSE - SAME TIME

BOB creeps through the living room. From the kitchen, we         can hear KAREN, HALEY and CLAIRE screaming things at him, about him, etc. He just tip-toes to the hall closet and opens the door. We don't see what's in it, but see Bob smile the same way Doug did, and...

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. BOB'S DRIVEWAY - A MINUTE LATER

BOB, in leather biker gear, rolls out of his garage on         another shimmering Harley Davidson. He looks around through his mirrored aviator sunglasses like a complete bad ass. He looks down the street and spots DOUG, riding towards him. Bob rides down the driveway and joins alongside Doug. They nod silently to each other and tap fists like the toughest guys in the world. We see Bob is         also wearing a "Wild Hogs" jacket.

EXT. WOODY'S HOUSE - SAME TIME

WOODY walks through the courtyard, and into a pristine garage.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 15. He passes by a BMW 645, several stacks of labelled moving boxes, and finally a beautiful Harley Davidson Softail Anniversary Edition. A MINUTE LATER, Woody pulls onto the street on his Harley. DOUG and BOB turn the corner and nod to him. Woody nods back, revs his engine, and joins alongside them.

EXT. DUDLEY'S COMPUTER-CLUTTERED GARAGE - SAME TIME

We see a garage crowded with disassembled Apple computers, printers, and a Harley Davidson Sportster. Out walks DUDLEY, who's biker outfit doesn't quite mesh with his thick-lensed eyeglasses. Dudley cockily pulls on a "Wild Hogs" jacket, kick starts the motorcycle, presses a button to open the garage door, and rides the motorcycle out. However, as he gets halfway out of the garage, the garage door catches on         something, and snaps back down. It clotheslines Dudley off the bike, which rolls down the driveway and into some garbage cans. Dudley lays in the driveway, staring up at         the sky with a pained look on his face.

EXT. DUDLEY'S DRIVEWAY - A FEW MINUTES LATER

DOUG, BOB and WOODY ride towards Dudley's house, but find DUDLEY sitting in his driveway with his arms around his knees. He shrugs and motions to his motorcycle - Which he has stood back up, but has a bent wheel and smashed headlight. Doug and Bob take in the situation and then look at Woody. Woody rolls his eyes...

EXT. STREET - LATER

DOUG, BOB and WOODY ride along. We see DUDLEY is riding bitch on Woody's bike, and Woody doesn't seem thrilled about it. The camera pans around and we see they are all wearing "Wild Hogs" jackets. And on this, we:

END MUSIC CUE

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. "BYKER'S ISLAND" BIKER BAR - LATER

The guys pull up at a biker-theme bar with a motorcycle mounted above the entrance.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 16. Woody is obviously humiliated to have Dudley behind him, as they park the bikes among a crowd of other bikers. Dudley climbs off the back of Woody's bike and pats him on the shoulder.

DUDLEY Thanks, Woody. I feel really safe with you.

WOODY I noticed that. And if you ever lay your head on my back when you're riding bitch again, I'm going to throw you into traffic.

DUDLEY I was trying to keep my face out of the wind.

WOODY I felt you smell my hair!

DOUG Guys! Come on. Let's go get a brew. I'm buying. Doug heads into the bar.

BOB You're cool with the carbs? Doug pauses, without turning around.

DOUG

(MUMBLES) I can have a light. Doug continues into the bar, but now with less swagger.

INT. "BYKER'S ISLAND" BIKER BAR - A MOMENT LATER

The guys are sitting at a worn table. The place is         crowded with curiously gentle-looking bikers. Woody looks around the bar with a smirk.

WOODY Man, I wish we could find a place that wasn't so freaking lame.

BOB What are you talking about? This place is cool. We're with other bikers.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 17. Suddenly, a large, bald biker comes up and slams a beer down on their table.

BALD BIKER

(ANGRILY) Wild Hogs aren't welcome here! The guys all look at him for a beat - then the Bald guy cracks a smile.

DOUG Hey, Paul. PAUL laughs at his joke.

PAUL Hey, guys... Woody, your tax return is         almost done, but I want to talk to you next week about incorporating. A lot of         my executive clients have been--

WOODY Yeah, Paul. I'll talk to you about it on         the trip.

PAUL Yeah, we'll talk about in Daytona. (angrily, to group) What the hell are you staring at!? Paul glares at the other guys for a beat, then cracks up.

PAUL (CONT'D)

(LAUGHING) See you guys. Paul exits. Woody shakes his head.

WOODY This place sucks. Why are we going to         Daytona with these posers?

DOUG Because it's Bike Week. That's our annual trip, Woody. We're Wild Hogs.

WOODY We're not Wild Hogs. That's a patch your wife made and we all had to sew it on our jackets so she didn't feel bad.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 18.

DOUG Hey! She took an embroidery class for those. What has your wife ever made us?

BOB

(QUIETLY) Hard.

WOODY Hey!?

BOB Sorry. I didn't... Don't tell her.

DOUG It's not a big secret, Bob. She's a         swimsuit model. She's hot. I mean, so         is my Kelly. She's very hot. Even after ten years. Not that I'm not still good looking...         Doug looks at the guys. They don't respond.

WOODY We're not going to say you're hot, man.

DOUG Because it's gay, or because I'm not?

WOODY There's no non-gay response to that.

DUDLEY

(TO DOUG) If I were a girl, I'd be attracted to         you.

WOODY Point proven.

BOB Well, Kelly must still think you're hot. Ten years, man. How's that feel?

DOUG I don't know. Good, I guess. Is ten the silver anniversary?

DUDLEY No, that's the 25th. Ten is aluminum.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 19.

DOUG Aluminum? Like, siding? (considers, then) Yeah, that feels about right. Aluminum is sturdy, lightweight... recycled. Woody smiles and puts a map down on the table.

WOODY --And ready for the trip of a lifetime. The guys look at the map, puzzled.

DOUG We don't need a map for Daytona. We just follow the group. Woody takes a drink from his beer, then looks at the group with a mischievous fire behind his eyes.

WOODY Not if we don't go on the Daytona trip.

DOUG What?

DUDLEY Noooo!!

WOODY Guys, listen to me. It's time for a         change. Let's go on our own trip this year. Just us, like it was in college. Forget these guys. Forget Daytona beach. Bike Week is just corporate white guys playing dress up. This bar is, too. And we didn't get into this to play dress up - we got in this to live. "Be cool and         Ride free." That's the Wild Hog creed.

DOUG No, it's not. It's the slogan for the Downtown trolley.

WOODY I know. But, it works as our creed, too. So let's live it!

DUDLEY But, I boogie board in Daytona. Can't         our creed be "Be cool and boogie board?"

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 20.

WOODY No. That's dumb, Dudley. Let the big people talk.

DOUG Well, what kind of trip are you suggesting? Another bike week somewhere?

WOODY No. That's the best part. We don't do         some planned out trip. We follow the open road. U.S. 50. The backbone of         America. We take a week and go all the way to San Francisco. Think about it, guys. Camping out, stopping wherever we         want, whenever we want... Just freedom. When was the last time we had that? The guys consider this, but look sceptical.

BOB I don't know, man.

WOODY You're afraid to ask your wife.

BOB

(COVERING) No...

WOODY

(TO DOUG) What do you think?

DOUG Well, Daytona isn't the "backbone of         America," but it is a tradition. We've         been riding with this club for years. Do         we really want to miss out on that? One of the bikers, KENT, approaches carrying a box.

KENT Hey, dudes. Check these out. Kent holds up a sleeveless t-shirt with a big cartoon guy on a motorcycle - with the words "Born to Be Wild!         Daytona ride, 2005." It's horrifying.

KENT (CONT'D)         We're all going to wear these on the trip.

(MORE)

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 21.

KENT (CONT'D)         That way everyone will know we're from the Cincinnati chapter. It'll also get you ten percent off at T.G.I.Fridays.

DUDLEY Cool! Born to be wild! Dudley grabs a shirt and starts to pull it over the t-         shirt he already has on. Woody gives a look to Bob and Doug.

DOUG Look, We'll talk about it tomorrow. But we don't need some trip to go "live." We

are living. Free and wild.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. DOUG'S HOUSE - THE NEXT EVENING

The anniversary party is in full swing. DOUG is watching

several guests dish steaming pasta and cream sauce out of         a chaffing dish. He looks down at his plate of field greens and skinless chicken breast.

DOUG

(TO HIMSELF) Free and wild. Doug looks around the party. Several middle-aged couples are dancing on the living room floor. Others mingle, laughing... Everyone is having a great time, except Doug, who stands there, listless. Kelly walks up and kisses him on the cheek.

KELLY

Hey, sweetie. Having fun?

DOUG

Yeah. It's getting pretty late, though.

Maybe we should kill the music. Drop a

hint.

KELLY

It's eight O'Clock. It started at seven.

DOUG oh.

(THEN) Still, that's late. We should just flicker the lights on and off. People will get it.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 22.

KELLY People are having fun. Look at the Miltons. ANGLE ON: THE LIVING ROOM. A happy-looking couple, THE MILTONS, are dancing around to Prince's "1999." Doug laughs.

DOUG Oh, man. There should be laws against that... Is Fred having a seizure?

KELLY No, Fred's having a good time. With his wife. Remember what that was like?

DOUG Hey, we have fun all the time. But I'm         not going to let myself look like that. He wears dress socks with shorts, too. I've seen it. Do you want me to do that?

KELLY I don't care. Why do you? Doug searches for a response, as ROGER, 70, Kelly's Dad, clinks his wine glass at the front of the room.

ROGER Excuse me, everybody. I have a little toast. For my daughter and her husband. Roger winks at Doug and Kelly. Doug smiles weakly.

DOUG (sotto, to Kelly) He's drunk. We should do something.

ROGER I want to start by saying how proud I am          of my son-in-law.

DOUG (sotto, to Kelly) --No, he's fine. Let him talk.

ROGER Now, I have to make an admission. Ten years ago, when Doug and Kelly got married. I was worried. Doug was a         little wild...          The guests laugh. Doug gives an unsure chuckle.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 23.

ROGER (CONT'D)         I mean, he had that old trans-am with the huge engine... Remember how he'd peel out of anywhere? Even the grocery parking lot after buying baby formula? The guests laugh again. Now Doug isn't.

ROGER (CONT'D)         Or the way he'd just grab Kelly and run off to some crazy island to snorkel with something that thinks you're lunch.

The guests continue to laugh. Kelly looks at Doug, now.

She sees this is landing on him. He's getting upset.

ROGER (CONT'D)         But, not anymore. He's now become the son-in-law I would have always hoped for. Responsible, reliable, and a great husband to my daughter. So cheers to--

DOUG No, no. No cheers-- Because that wasn't         an accurate toast. I'm still the same, shitty son-in-law I used to be.

The guests laugh. They think he's joking.

ROGER

Come on, Doug. You should be proud!

You've grown up! Cheers!

The guests nod and clink their glasses. Doug shakes his

head.

DOUG

Grown up? No, I haven't. I'm still

young. No cheers! Stop clinking!

KELLY

Doug, stop it. You're being rude.

DOUG

Well, tell them I'm the same as I used to

be, Kelly. Tell your Dad not to like me.

KELLY You're not the same, Doug. The old Doug wouldn't have made fun of Fred Milton for dancing, because he would have been out there dancing himself. With me.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 24.

DOUG So what are you saying?

KELLY I'm saying you have changed. And frankly, i don't like it. I like you the way you were. I liked it when you weren't afraid of looking stupid. I         liked it when we laughed. I liked it         when we danced.

DOUG Hey, I'll dance! It's just this music is         lame. People like me need a fresh beat! Doug walks over to the stereo and changes the station. "Cand Sho " h y-50 Cent starts playing. Doug nods along with the beat, as the guests all now stare at him.

DOUG (CONT'D)          (yelling over music) Awwww, yeah. This is the shit! It ain't          1980 anymore, man. Yeah!

(SINGS ALONG) I take you to the... Andy shop-- Doug tries to confidently sing along, but struggles awkwardly, as he's obviously never heard the song before.

KELLY (urging, to Doug) Honey, stop it. You're being an ass.

DOUG What!? I thought this was what you wanted? I'm dancing! Doug starts grinding and shimmying to the beat. Kelly grits her teeth.

DOUG (CONT'D)           Come on, baby! Just because we're           married ten years doesn't mea n we're old people. Let's dance! It fee ls goooood! Doug makes another spastic dance move, then suddenly grimaces and grabs his chest.

DOUG (CONT'D)          Nope, that feels bad--

KELLY Doug? What's wrong? Are you okay?

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 25.

DOUG Yeah. I'm just-- Ow: That's-- Yeah, I         should go to the hospital-- Doug staggers across the carpet as people run to help him.

KELLY Doug!?

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - AN HOUR LATER

Doug is in a bed, with Kelly next to him. A DOCTOR enters with a chart.

DOCTOR Well, Mr. Matthews--

DOUG Dr. Matthews, actually.

DOCTOR Oh, really? Great. Then, I can say this a lot easier. You had a hypertensive myocardial seizure. Doug nods confidently, then, after a moment:

DOUG

(DEFEATED) I'm a dentist, actually... I have no         idea what you just said.

DOCTOR Oh. Sorry. It looks like you had a         stress-induced panic attack.

DOUG Stress-induced? I'm not stressed.

DOCTOR Well, it's probably been pretty buried. I         actually see it a lot with middle-aged men. Work, family, it can take a toll on you.

DOUG I'm not middle-aged.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 26.

DOCTOR Yeah, I see that a lot, too. Anyway. We         should have you out of here soon. The doctor smiles and exits the room. Kelly looks at         Doug.

DOUG I am middle aged, aren't I?

KELLY Only mathematically. Doug takes this in.

KELLY (CONT'D)          Doug, Let me ask you a question. When was the last time you sang a Bon Jovi song?

DOUG What?

KELLY You used to sing Bon Jovi songs at the top of your lungs. Like you didn't care who heard you, or how dopey it sounded.

Then one day, you just stopped. That's

how it's been with everything. Romance, sense of humor, the way you used to give me that cocky little wink when you took

off your shirt... It's all faded away,

leaving just a shell of what you used to

be. Why? Why no more Bon Jovi songs?

DOUG I don't know. There's just a lot weighing me down these days, you know?

KELLY Like what? You have a great career, a

perfect family. Money is fine. The only

thing that could be weighing you down is

me. Is it me? Are you tired of me?

DOUG

No! of course, not. I could never be

TIRED OF-- Doug stops himself, as it dawns on him. You can see the horror of realization creep across his face. He looks at         Kelly, wide-eyed.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 27.

DOUG (CONT'D)

(REALIZING) It's me. I'm weighing me down. I'm not a guy I'd hang out with anymore, I'm...         Me. What's cool about me? I don't even eat carbs.

KELLY Then eat them. I'd rather have you sing than have a thirty-four waist.

DOUG I still have a thirty--

KELLY No, you don't, Doug. I buy your pants.

(THEN) Look. We've been married ten years. And personally, I'd like to be married fifty more, but if you stay like this...         Then... I don't know...

DOUG We are going to be married fifty more years, Kelly. I'm going to find old Doug. I just have to figure out where to         look. Kelly takes a breath, and pulls out a map. She hands it          to Doug, who looks at it.

DOUG (CONT'D)          Woody's map?

KELLY I took it away from him at the party. He          wouldn't stop waving it at Bob and Dudley.

DOUG I thought you agreed it was a bad idea.

KELLY It might be. But I'm desperate, Doug. I         want us to be happy again. So go on it. It's my anniversary present to you.

DOUG Really? (considers, then) I only got you an ankle bracelet.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 28.

KELLY All I want is old Doug back. Please. This marriage can't survive without him. Doug takes this in, and smiles at her. She's a good wife, and he knows it. Suddenly, BOB enters the room.

BOB Doug! Are you okay?

DOUG Yeah, I'm okay. Just stress.

BOB Oh, man. Thank god.

KELLY

(TO BOB) Where's Karen?

BOB Oh, she's waiting in the parking-- SFX: A loud honk from the parking lot.

BOB (CONT'D)         That's her. Bob looks out the window nervously. Kelly looks at Doug.

KELLY You all need this trip. Doug gives her a knowing nod, then turns to Bob.

DOUG Bob. Let's forget about Daytona Bike week. Let's ride across U.S. 50.

BOB Yeah? Are you sure? I mean, We'll be         leaving behind everything we're used to. SFX: The horn honks again from outside.

KAREN (O.C.) (yelling from parking lot) Bob!? You said two minutes! I'm not circling!! Bob cringes. Doug shares a look with Kelly, then to Bob:

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 29.

DOUG Yeah. I think that might be okay.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. STREET - THE NEXT WEEK

DOUG is riding his Harley, which is loaded with gear (sleeping bag, spare gas tank, saddle bags). He         approaches a freeway entrance ramp, where WOODY and DUDLEY and BOB are waiting on their bikes, next to an         entrance ramp sign that reads: U.S. Highway 50. The guys all tap fists, then notice Dudley is grinning ear to ear.

WOODY

(TO DUDLEY) What? What's wrong with you?

DUDLEY I got a tat.

BOB A tattoo? You got a tattoo?

DUDLEY I'm a biker, dude! I got a tat! Dudley yanks his jacket down to his elbows and we see he         is wearing a sleeveless shirt underneath. On his bicep is a tattoo of the Macintosh Apple. The guys nod, trying to look impressed.

DOUG Wow. That's...

DUDLEY Trademarked, I know. But what are they going to do? It's in my skin, bitch! Dudley laughs and pulls on his jacket, as Woody ties a         bandana skull-cap on his head. The guys look at Woody.

DOUG You're not wearing a helmet?

WOODY Nape. I don't want anything between me         and the road, man.

DOUG You will if your head falls on it.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 30. Woody shrugs and starts his bike.

WOODY Look, the only rule on this trip is to         have no plan. We're riding to San Francisco, and nothing else is planned. Just riding free.

DOUG Well, if we're going to make it in five days, we'll should probably get to         Illinois by tonight.

BOB Yeah, the way I mapped it out - we should be a hundred miles past St. Louis by         sundown.

WOODY What? No. No plan. It's the open road. Who knows where we'll be.

DOUG I do. I have this little GPS system. Doug shows them a handheld GPS system. Woody grabs it         and throws it into a storm drain.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Hey! What the hell, man? That was expensive!

WOODY I did it for the good of the trip, Doug. You don't need GPS to discover America. We just need the wind, our bikes, and freedom. And if we have an emergency, I         always have a cell phone-- Woody takes out a cellphone. Doug grabs it and throws it         in the storm drain.

DOUG Hah! How's that feel? Woody gives Doug a long look, then slowly smiles.

WOODY It felt good. It felt damn good.

(ANNOUNCES) No cell phones!

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 31.

DOUG

(WORRIED) What?

BOB He's right, Doug. Wild Hogs! Bob takes his cellphone and throws it in the storm drain.

DOUG

(TO BOB) You just did that so Karen wouldn't call.

BOB Yup. Bob starts his bike.

DOUG So we're not even going to talk about this? I mean, shouldn't we at least--

DUDLEY Yeeeeaaah! Freedom!! Dudley throws his cellphone, but instead of going into the storm drain, it goes flying into traffic and smashes against an oncoming pickup truck. We hear the truck screech to a stop after it passes them.

DOUG

(QUICKLY) Okay, let's ride! The guys all hastily start their bikes and take off up         the freeway ramp. We hear the truck driver screaming profanities as they guiltily ride away.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER THAT DAY

MUSIC CUE: BLUE OYSTER CULT's "(DON'T FEAR) THE REAPER." The four guys ride along the highway, through the hills of Indiana, smiling and nodding to each other. It's the Easy Rider moment. The camera ROTATES AROUND and PULLS OVERHEAD. It's beautiful country and the guys are in         heaven. Dudley wears a clunky helmet from the eighties, as well as World War II motorcycle goggles.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 32. A family in a station wagon pulls up to next to them. Two kids press their faces against the windows, looking at the bikers in awe. Bob looks over at the kids in his mirrored sunglasses and gives them a badass nod. The kids are amazed. Bob looks to Doug. Doug grins. They love this. Bob gives a signal to the other guys and guns his engine. The others nod, gun their engines and speed away from the station wagon. The kids watch with their mouths open.

EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER THAT AFTERNOON

The guys are cruising along as before, but now we see the sky has gotten very cloudy and overcast.

SFX: THUNDER CRACK The guys look up at the sky apprehensively.

EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - A FEW MINUTES LATER

It's now pouring rain. The guys ride along in misery, getting soaked. After a moment, the station wagon from before pulls back up to them. The kids are still pressed against the window, staring at the drenched bikers. Bob looks over and tries to give them another cocky nod - but now it's just embarrassing.

END MUSIC CUE

EXT. ROADSIDE US-50 - THAT EVENING

The sun has gone down, and the guys have found a deserted area off the highway to set up camp. DOUG, WOODY and BOB lounge by a fire - with a tent set up behind them. Doug is roasting marshmallows and Bob is straining to blow up         an air mattress.

DOUG

(TO BOB) Why didn't you just bring a sleeping bag like us?

BOB This is more comfortable. (blows a breath into it) I wish Karen would have let me buy the foot pump, though.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 33. Bob continues to inflate the mattress, as Dudley approaches with a knotted plastic grocery bag.

DUDLEY This is poop. Don't eat it. Dudley sets the bag aside and has a seat by the fire.

DOUG Dudley? You're supposed to bury that.

WOODY Yes. Go bury it.

DUDLEY It's in a plastic bag. I can't put that in the earth. I'll find a trash bin tomorrow. The guys shake their heads and look back into the fire. After a moment, Doug smiles.

DOUG This is really nice, you know? Chilling by the fire with your best friends. Just relaxing, and enjoying--

WOODY

(TO DUDLEY) I'm sorry. Dudley, you have to get rid of that bag or I'm going to vomit in your lap.

DOUG --each other's company...         Dudley grabs the bag and heads off.

DUDLEY Fine. I'll just hang it on a tree.

WOODY (yells after him) Don't hang it on a tree!

DOUG Yup... These are the times we'll         remember. After a minute, Doug turns to Woody and Bob.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 34.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Hey, when was the last time you guys heard me sing Bon Jovi?

WOODY Oh, man. Thank God that stopped.

BOB It's been awhile. You're not as         obnoxious as you used to be. You used to         eat a lot more buffalo wings, too.

DOUG Yeah, I know. Turns out there's carbs in         the batter. Hey, you know what? Maybe carbs are what I need to get old Doug back.

WOODY Old Doug? You've lost your Dad?

DOUG No. I think I've lost me. It's this thing Kelly said.

(BEAT) You know what it is? I think I'm tame. I'm like a lion that used to be wild, but now I'm in some Disney park where tourists come by and take pictures of me like I'm a         lion, but after they leave, I go into my          kennel and eat antelope nuggets or          something. Ones without carbs.

BOB I know what you're talking about. I         lost old Bob, too. I think my wife and daughters killed him. I'm surrounded by         women every minute of my life. And it's         made me, you know...

DOUG A wimp?

BOB What? No. I was going to say miserable. You think I'm a wimp?

DOUG No. I just thought that was what you were... I thought you wanted us to         guess, and I didn't have a guess, so I          said "wimp." Knowing it was wrong...

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 35.

WOODY You're a wimp, Bob. I'll say it. You're         afraid of girls. It's embarrassing. Dudley comes up and sits back down.

DUDLEY I'm afraid of girls.

WOODY You're afraid to talk to one. Bob is         afraid they'll kill him in his sleep.

DUDLEY Wow. Now I really don't want to talk to         one.

BOB You know, it's not always so bad. Like, when Karen sleeps, she still crawls over and pushes up against me. Just snuggles right up like she needs me. I like that. I like that a lot. (then, sobering) Then the sun comes up and turns her into a raging she-demon.

DOUG Yeah, I guess life just isn't as simple as it was when we were in college. Well, except for you, Woody. You're still living the fairy tale. Swimsuit model wife. Big job at an investment firm. You've got the good life. Woody doesn't respond. He just stares vacantly into the fire for a beat.

WOODY

(FLATLY) Yeah... The good life. I'm a lucky man.

DUDLEY My life blows. I don't have a family. Or a wife. I have a cat that doesn't         like me. She wouldn't even stick around if she knew how to use a can opener. The guys all look at Dudley.

BOB Hey, Dudley. You've got us, buddy. And you're going to get a woman, too.

(MORE)

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 36

BOB (CONT'D)         I told you we were going to hit some strip clubs when we get back.

DUDLEY Nah, I don't like those places--

BOB Dudley-- Please. I'm trying to help you here.

DUDLEY I know. I just don't--

BOB Please! Strippers are nice to me!

DUDLEY Okay... Sorry. We'll go.

BOB Thanks, man.

(THEN) I'm just... trying to be a good friend.

DOUG We know, Bob.

WOODY I'll go, too.

DOUG There's a surprise. Doug pulls a flaming marshmallow out of the fire.

DOUG (CONT'D)         All right, who wants their marshmallow well-done? The guys just look at it.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Yeah, I left that one on too long. Doug flips the stick and the marshmallow goes flying behind him. The guys don't notice - but we see the marshmallow land on the tent and continue to burn. Bob continues to huff on the air mattress. He stops and looks at it.

BOB (out of breath) I think I'm half way there.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 37.

WOODY In just one hour.

DOUG

(TO BOB) You sure you don't want us to spread out a sleeping bag? We have three in the-- Doug turns around and sees a foot-wide flame now burning on the tent.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Shit! The tent-- Doug and the guys jump up and hurry over to the tent.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Dudley, get the water jug off my bike! Dudley hurries over to Doug's bike as Doug and Bob try to         smother the flame with sand.

DOUG (CONT'D)         It should be okay. It's fire retardant. The guys try and extinguish the flame as Dudley comes running with a jug. He quickly takes off the cap. Doug notices him.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Dudley, no! That's—          It's too late. Dudley is already throwing it on the fire. The liquid hits the tent and it explodes into flames. The guys shield themselves.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Gas! That's the spare gas tank, Dudley! Dudley doesn't know what to say. The fire quickly disentergrates the tent. Doug, Bob and Woody just watch, knowing there's nothing they can do. After a moment, DUDLEY runs back up with the correct water jug and empties it on what is now a flaming pile of ash. It does nothing.

DUDLEY We need more water.

DOUG That was all of it, Dudley. That was all the water we had.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 38.

DUDLEY Oh. Dudley takes this in for a moment.

DUDLEY (CONT'D)          Is anybody else thirsty? The guys just look at him.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. ROADSIDE US-50 -- THE NEXT MORNING

BOB, DOUG, WOODY and DUDLEY are all sleeping on Bob's air mattress, like four sardines. Doug opens his eyes to see a large figure standing at the foot of the air mattress. It's a stern-looking highway patrolman.

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN You guys all right?

DOUG Yeah. Yeah, just on a road trip.

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN All right. Just making sure.

(BEAT) Looks pretty comfortable, actually. We see the highway patrolman has started rubbing his thigh. Doug quickly jumps up, waking the others.

DOUG Okay, well... Thanks for stopping. Have a nice day, officer. The highway patrolman laughs.

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN All right, I get it.

(WINKS) Five's a crowd. Doug is mortified. The officer looks them over for a         moment.

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN (CONT'D)         You guys are lucky to have each other. (looks at them hungrily) Damn lucky.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 39.

DUDLEY

(OBLIVIOUS) That's what I always say. Dudley gets up and puts his arm around Doug. We see he's         wearing a saggy pair of briefs and nothing else.

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Well... Have a good one. The patrolman walks off. Dudley looks at Doug and grins.

DUDLEY Morning.

DOUG Please put your pants on.

EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER THAT AFTERNOON

The guys cruise through the rolling prairies of Missouri. It's another beautiful day. They ride in formation, until Woody's bandana doo-rag blows off. Woody goes back to get it. The other guys stop and wait for him to         return.

EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER

The guys are still riding - but now the heat of the Missouri plains is taking it's toll. They look boiling, and have sweated through their clothes. Bob takes a         drink of water from a bottle of water, then pours the water over his head. He breathes a sigh of relief, until he hears an angry yell behind him. He looks back and sees Woody is now drenched from the water. Bob smiles sheepishly as Woody burns.

EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER THAT DAY

The guys ride through the forested Ozark uplands, looking even hotter than before. Doug spots a waterfall pouring into a crystal clear spring, and points to it. The guys nod in agreement.

CUT TO:

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 40.

EXT. BLANCHARD SPRINGS, OZARK NATIONAL FOREST - LATER

DOUG, WOODY, and DUDLEY wade into the spring water in         their boxers. You can see on their faces that it's like dipping into heaven. After a moment, BOB walks up.

BOB Thanks for waiting for me, jerks. The guys look up to see that Bob is naked. He smiles and cannonballs into the water.

BOB (CONT'D)         Whhheew: Yeah! That's c-c-cold: He sees DOUG, WOODY and DUDLEY are just staring at him.

BOB (CONT'D)         What?

WOODY Why are you naked?

BOB We're swimming. You guys kept on your skivies?

DOUG Skivies? What are you, a Newsie?

DUDLEY I kept mine on because I didn't want everyone to see my crank.

WOODY

(TO BOB) Yeah. That, and being naked with a bunch of guys is gay. What's wrong with you?

BOB I don't know. We took showers and stuff together in college. I thought this was kind of... you know, the same.

DOUG I guess I get that.

(THINKS) I mean, we would have been naked in         college. Why are we... Oh, man. It's         true. We are tamed. We're old guys.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 41.

WOODY No, we're not. Don't say that. Doug wiggles his boxers off and holds them in the air.

DOUG I will find old Doug! Doug smiles and throws his shorts on the shore. Dudley smiles, takes off his briefs and holds them up.

DUDLEY I will... Do what Doug does! Dudley throws the briefs to shore. They all look at         Woody. He rolls his eyes and takes off his boxers.

WOODY I will be naked with my gay friends, and if they look at my jock, I will kill them. Woody throws the boxers to shore. The guys all look at         each other and smile. It's a nice moment. Until a family approaches. Doug looks at the other guys, wide-eyed, as a family with three young kids walks up with a picnic basket. The young kids run and jump into the water. The Dad of the family laughs and shakes his head.

FAMILY DAD Hope you guys don't mind a little company. The mini-van was getting a

LITTLE-- The Dad stops talking as he sees into the water... He         realizes, then looks at his kids, concerned.

DOUG Um... Well, we're just taking a dip. I

UH--

WOODY There's a shallower spring up the path. The kids might like that even more...         The Mom lays down a blanket and turns to the guys. The Dad is still staring, not sure what to do.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 42.

FAMILY MOM

(TO WOODY) Oh, no. These little squirts like to

DIVE AND-- The Mom sees a glimmer of something through the water, and realizes. She suddenly looks very uncomfortable.

FAMILY MOM (CONT'D)

(VERY TENSE) Janey, Kyle, Holland. Out of the water. We're going to find a new spot.

JANEY No, Mama. This place has little rocks

THAT--

FAMILY MOM Get out of the damn water! Now! The kids climb out of the water and the parents hurry off with them down the path. After a moment of awkward silence, Doug looks at the guys.

DOUG We should go.

BOB You think? They're gone, now.

WOODY Yeah, we could stay another few--

VOICE (O.C.) Whhheeeeew! The guys look to the other side of the spring to see the HIGHWAY PATROLMAN cannonball naked into the spring. They stare, horrified, as he pops up and smiles at them.

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Saw you're bikes out there. You guys ever chicken fight? The guys look at each other for a moment, then;

DOUG/BOB/WOODY/DUDLEY Ahhhh! / Oh, god! / Run! They frantically sprint out of the water, grab their clothes and hurry away.

DISSOLVE TO:

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 43.

EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATE THAT AFTERNOON

The guys are back on their bikes, cruising along the wheat fields of Kansas. They're looking tired once again, but suddenly Doug smiles...         On the horizon, a bar comes into view. Out front are several rows of Harley Davidsons. Doug points it out to         the guys and they all smile. It's like an oasis. The pull into the parking lot and climb off their bikes. Bob immediately falls to the ground.

BOB Dammit! Leg's asleep. The guys go to help Bob up, as Dudley gets off his bike and falls to the ground.

DUDLEY Me, too.

DOUG You guys have to shift every once in         awhile. Blood has to circulate. A MOMENT LATER. Dudley and Bob are up and wiggling their sleeping limbs, as Woody looks up at the bar.

WOODY Now this is the best part of any road trip. Seeing our brothers on wheels. Look at this place. America! The guys look at it and nod. It is a cool looking shack of a bar. Doug admires the row of motorcycles out front.

DOUG Look at these bikes. They're all classics.

BOB Oh, man. Check it out. A 1951 Panhead. You know how rare this thing is? The guys all crowd around the bike.

DOUG Yeah, but why didn't he customize it? You have a 51 panhead and you don't         chrome out the exhaust? Or airbrush an         eagle on the gas tank? What a waste.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 44.

WOODY Probably no good custom stores out here in hick-land. We'll leave 'em a catalog. The guys push open the door and step into the bar.

INT. BIKER BAR - CONTINUOUS

The bar is full of bikers, but not the kind we saw before. These guys are greasy, tattooed and menacing. We see their jackets say "Hells Angels." The bikers turn and stare at WOODY, DOUG, BOB and DUDLEY.

DOUG

(TO BIKERS) How's it going?

BOB Hells Angels, huh? You guys are legends. I'm surprised we've never seen you in         Daytona. The bikers kind of chuckle to themselves. The leader of         the gang, JACK, steps forward. He's in his late 40's - and looks like he could break you into bite size pieces.

JACK Yeah, how do we keep missing that? The bikers all laugh. Doug and the guys join in, though they don't quite get what's so funny.

JACK (CONT'D)         So you re "Wild Hogs," huh? That's your gang?

DOUG Well, not a gang. Just friends. Friends that ride... you know.

JACK So it's like a little hobby for you guys? How sweet. Doug smiles, but is now sensing the hostility. He looks back for the exit.

DUDLEY

(TO JACK) Yeah, just a little hobby for us.

(MORE)

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 45.

DUDLEY (CONT'D)         We're all successful professionals in          real life. But on Tuesday and Sunday afternoons... We're bikers! Dudley spins around and shows them the back of his jacket.

JACK Wow. That's great. Can I try that on?

DUDLEY Hell yeah, brother. Dudley whips his jacket off and hands it to Jack, who pulls it on his massive frame. He shows it to the gang, who laugh again. Dudley does, too.

DUDLEY (CONT'D)         So who's '51 panhead is that? Sweet ride. Woody has a catalog so you can make it cool.

WOODY No, I don't. Doug does. I think it's         great the way it is. Doug glares at Woody incredulously. Woody shrugs.

JACK

(TO DUDLEY) Well, if you like my '51, we should trade... "brother."

DOUG

DUDLEY--

DUDLEY

(IGNORING DOUG) I wish! I just have a Sportster. It's         worth, like, half of yours.

JACK A Sportster!? That's what I grew up on. I've been wanting another Sportster. It's a deal!

DUDLEY Seriously? You're serious!?

DOUG Dudley, maybe you should--

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 46.

DUDLEY Doug, don't worry. Yeah, I'll have a         cooler bike than you, but that doesn't          mean I'll get all cocky.

DOUG

DUDLEY--

DUDLEY Hey, I don't care what you say! I ride a         panhead now! I'm better than you!

JACK Come on, Dud. Let's go see how you look on it. Jack smiles and leads Dudley outside. Doug, Bob and Woody share an uncertain look.

WOODY Anybody else got that "pre-rape" feeling?

EXT. BIKER BAR - CONTINUOUS

Everyone is standing out front. Dudley starts to get on         the classic motorcycle. Jack stops him.

JACK Oh, no, no. That's Oilcan's ride. My         ' 51 panhead is right over there. Jack points to a pile of abandoned rusty motorcycles. Among it is the junked carcass of a '51 panhead next to         an old, rusty sidecar. Dudley looks confused.

DUDLEY That? That's a piece of junk.

JACK Yup. Your piece of junk. Woody, Doug and Bob look at each other. This isn't good. Doug tries to laugh it off.

DOUG All right, guys. We get the joke... Good one. Anyway, we actually should get moving along.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 47.

JACK Oh, it's no joke. You want to know the joke? Suburban assholes that buy leather outfits and think they're bikers. And it's a joke I'm damn sick of. So I'm         keeping your friend's bike, I'm keeping this jacket, and you guys are going to         turn the hell around and go back to          wherever you came from, because the next hundred miles of this highway belongs to         the Hells Angels. The color drains from the Wild Hog's faces.

DUDLEY Like an adopt a highway thing?

JACK Like a "Go home or we're going to split         your skulls open" thing. Bob makes an audible whimper. Doug elbows him, and tries to look brave.

DOUG All right. We respect that this is your turf, and we're sorry for bothering you. But we can't head back without my         friend's bike. So clearly we're going to         have to work something out here. Jack looks back at the Hells Angels and nods.

JACK You're right. We're going to have to         work something out.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER

We see DOUG, BOB and WOODY riding away from the bar, looking very glum. The camera PULLS OUT to reveal the rusty sidecar is now attached to Woody's bike. DUDLEY sits in it looking miserable and cold (having lost his         jacket and now in his sleeveless shirt). The guys get a good distance away from the bar and Woody waves for them to stop. They do and Woody looks back to         the bar.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 48.

WOODY All right. Let's just give them a few minutes to get back inside - then shoot right past them.

BOB What? Are you nuts?

DOUG The trip's over, Woody. Let's just head back home.

WOODY We're going to turn back after all these miles? Just because some fat bully's         pushed us around?

DOUG BOB Yes. Yes. Woody shakes his head and looks at Dudley.

DUDLEY I go wherever you go.

WOODY Good. See? Dudley's got some balls.

DUDLEY No, my sidecar's just attached to your bike. I'd prefer to turn back, but I         could only roll so far...

WOODY I can't believe you guys. What a bunch of pussies. The whole point of this trip is to live, man.

DOUG That's the point, Woody. Our lives aren't on this highway. They're back home. We have families, jobs, wives...         or cats... We're not going to piss off a         biker gang. We're going back. Woody takes this in, gritting his teeth in disappointment.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Come on, Woody. You don't want to take this risk. You have Claudia, and your job... You have a great life back home.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 49. Woody looks up at him. Something about this has sparked something in Woody's eyes, but he covers it up with a         calm smile.

WOODY You're right, I do. But maybe I should talk to those guys one more time. I         mean, I'm an executive at an Investment firm. I've made a career out of         convincing people and these are just people. You guys wait here. Woody starts up his bike. Doug and Bob look at each other and shrug. Dudley hurries out of the sidecar.

DUDLEY I'll wait here, too. You'll get better gas mileage. Dudley gets out and falls to the ground.

DUDLEY (CONT'D)         Leg's asleep. Woody shakes his head and starts back to the bar.

EXT. BIKER BAR - SAME TIME

Woody rides up to the bar, and looks back to make sure he's out of Doug, Bob and Dudley's sight. He sees that he is, and kneels next to the line of Hells Angels motorcycles. He takes out an army knife, and slices through one of the motorcycle's gas line. Gas starts leaking out onto the ground and Woody nods.

WOODY

(TO HIMSELF) Come after us now, assholes. Woody goes along to each bike, smiling with a weird recklessness as he slices through each gas line.

EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - A FEW MINUTES LATER

WOODY pulls up on his bike, where DOUG, BOB and DUDLEY are waiting.

WOODY They're cool with it. We can press on.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 50.

BOB Seriously?

WOODY Yup. I tried to be polite. I tried to         reason. I told them Dudley was dying.

DUDLEY What?

WOODY Well, technically we're all dying, Dudley. Just very slowly. Dudley looks concerned.

DUDLEY Oh my god, you're right.

(REALIZING) I'm slowly dying.

WOODY Anyway, none of that worked. So I laid it out for them. I said, "Hey, go ahead         and assault us. Because we might be not          be real bikers, but we know real lawyers.          And the moment you touch us is the moment          you get your ass sued. Because this is          the real world - with real laws, and real          consequences." And they backed down. The guys are impressed.

DOUG You really said that?

WOODY Yup. And I think they'll give us         Dudley's bike on the way back, so let's          go. Quick. Before they change their mind. Woody quickly starts his bike and rides on. The guys shrug, impressed, and follow him. After a moment, we see them all speed by the bar.

INT. BIKER BAR - SAME TIME

Jack is playing darts with the other bikers. He goes to         throw a dart and hears engines roar past the bar outside.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 51. He quickly turns, which makes the dart he was throwing fly off target and stick into the shoulder of one of the bikers, (OILCAN).

OILCAN Ow! Shit, man! Jack listens as the engines pass the bar and fade away. Jack shakes his head, enraged.

JACK Saddle up, boys. Somebody doesn't listen. The guys nod and head outside. Oilcan pulls the dart out of his shoulder, and stops by Jack on the way out.

OILCAN Try and watch the throws, okay Jack? Jack glares at oilcan for a beat, then jabs a dart into his peck.

OILCAN (CONT'D)         Owww! Jesus! (off Jack's icy glare) Sorry.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. BIKER BAR - A MINUTE LATER

The Hells Angels roar away from the bar on their motorcycles. They get to the end of the driveway, and the bikes sputter and choke to a stop. ANGLE ON: JACK. He's on his hog, with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth. He looks down in confusion at         the suddenly stalled bike.

JACK What the f-- (sees cut gas line) You've gotta be kidding me. Suddenly, the cigarette falls out of Jacks mouth, and onto the ground. A puddle of gas from the sliced line catches on fire.

JACK (CONT'D)         shit. The flames quickly follow the line of leaked gas like a         fuse, back towards the bar.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 52. Almost as quickly as the bikers can turn to look, the flame has reached the parking area and ignited all the puddles of gas. They all watch in horror as the fire ravenously engulfs the old wooden porch of the bar, then the roof ...

EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - SAME TIME

The guys happily cruise along the highway. We see WOODY look in his side-view mirror and notice a large, black plume of smoke back in the distance. A look of worry creeps over his face.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. MOTEL - THAT EVENING

The guys pull up to a small motel, as the sun sets behind the wheat fields of Kansas.

WOODY No, we're not stopping here. Riding at         night is half the fun. Let's just keep--

DOUG --I can't feel my nuts, Woody. And Kelly still wants another kid. DOUG, BOB and DUDLEY head inside the motel office.

WOODY (calling after Doug) So, adopt a kid. You already have two white ones, anyway. The guys ignore him. Woody looks back down the highway uneasily, then heads inside the motel office.

EXT. BIKER BAR - SAME TIME

JACK, and the other bikers stand by the smoldering pile of wood that was once their bar. OILCAN approaches Jack.

OILCAN I got my old lady bringing some gas. We         can get moving by nightfall.

JACK

(BOILING) Forget it. Those guys are long gone.

(MORE)

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 53.

JACK (CONT'D)         They're not stupid enough to stop until they're five hundred miles from here.

CUT TO:

INT. MOTEL ROOM - SAME TIME

DOUG, BOB and DUDLEY are in their motel room. WOODY stands at the window, nervously looking outside.

WOODY

(TO GUYS) I just think it's just stupid to stop this soon, you know?... We can keep riding under the stars. All night.

DOUG Woody, your headlight doesn't even work.

WOODY You think I won't ride without light? I         can feel the road. Let's go. I'll even race somebody. Who's racing me?

DOUG Did you inhale exhaust fumes? Because something is happening to your brain. I         think it might be retardation.

WOODY I just want to ride. Let's go!

DOUG Whatever, Corky. Doug shrugs Woody off and dials his cell phone.

DOUG (CONT'D)

(INTO PHONE) Hey, honey. It's me. Woody glares at Doug.

WOODY You're calling Kelly? You're not aloud to call wives on a road trip.

DOUG

(TO WOODY) I can call my wife whenever I want.

(INTO PHONE) Yeah. Woody. Good guess...

(MORE)

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 54.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Yeah, I'm having a great time. No old Doug, yet, but I haven't gotten sun- burned...         Woody looks at Bob.

WOODY You agree with me, right?

BOB Yeah, I actually agree with you on this one. Let's not call wives.

DOUG

(INTO PHONE) Yeah, Bob agreed with him. Good guess again. Man, I really miss you.

WOODY Are you kidding me? I have to leave. Let me know when lame hour is over.

DOUG

(TO WOODY) Woody, you can call Claudia when I'm         done, if you want. You can use my cell.

WOODY No, I'm not calling Claudia. I mean, yes I want to, but I won't. Because I'm on a         road trip with my pals. And cell phones aren't even allowed! Woody storms out. Doug hears something on the phone, and lights up.

DOUG

(INTO PHONE) Hey, Billy! How's it-- (then, into phone) Where'd he go?... Oh. He thought you were ordering pizza. Uh huh. Well, tell him I said hi.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - THE NEXT MORNING

DOUG, BOB, WOODY and DUDLEY ride along the highway, as         the sun burns the morning fog off of the wheat fields. Doug looks over to Woody and yells above the motorcycle engines.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 55.

DOUG I can't believe you made us leave so         early. You really wanted to see the sun rise?

WOODY Yeah, man. It warms my heart, with it's...

(THINKS) Gentle... rays. Doug gives him a curious look, as they pass a sign that says "Lucas, Kansas. Population: 436"

BOB (yelling over engines) Hey! Let's stop for breakfast, I'm         starving.

WOODY What!? No! We're not hungry yet.

BOB I just said I was--

WOODY You're not! Fatty! Bob looks hurt. Doug gives Woody a stern look.

DOUG Come on, Woody. It looks like a neat town. And Dudley's got another bag of         poop to throw away. Dudley nods. Woody grits his teeth as they enter the town. It's a quiet, one stop-light town - with an old fashioned main street and town square. We see a banner over the street advertising a block party that night. It's a postcard version of small town America.

INT. MAIN STREET DINER - SAME TIME

The owner, BUD, is pressed up against the glass - watching the motorcycles come down Main street. He         shakes his head.

BUD Oh, don't tell me they're here again already. I just got the window replaced.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 56. Bud walks back to the bar, past his daughter (and diner         waitress) MAGGIE, 28, pretty in that cute, small town way.

MAGGIE Just stay calm, Dad. At least it's not all of them, this time.

EXT. MAIN STREET DINER - SAME TIME

The guys pull up to the diner and we see the local pedestrians hustle away. The street is soon deserted, but the guys don't notice. They go to park their bikes, but there's not enough space. There's a police car in the parking spot next to         them, and the town sheriff, CHARLEY, comes running towards it from across the street.

CHARLEY I'll move it! Hold on, I'll move it! Charley jumps into the car and backs it out of its spot. The guys look at each other, surprised.

DOUG Wow. Lucas is a polite town.

BOB That's how these little towns are. It's         unspoiled America.

WOODY It's a shithole. Let's keep moving. The guys ignore Woody and enter the diner.

WOODY (CONT'D)         Okay, we'll get it to go, then. We can ride and eat if it's wrapped in a         tortilla. Woody gets no response. He looks back down the road, uneasily, then follows the guys in.

INT. MAIN STREET DINER - SAME TIME

BOB, DOUG, WOODY and DUDLEY enter, with their motorcycle boots thunking on the wood floor, announcing to the entire diner that there are bikers there.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 57 Everyone freezes and the place goes silent. The only sound is a single fork dropping onto a plate. BUD is pulsing with anger, but he swallows it down.

BUD Good morning, gentleman. How nice of you to join us this afternoon.

DOUG well, how could we pass through this town without stopping? Everything looks so         perfect.

BUD

(SEETHING) But you'll change that, huh?

DOUG Excuse me? MAGGIE runs up and guides her Dad away from the guys.

MAGGIE I'll take care of them, Daddy. (to guys, extra polite) Good morning. Maggie smiles. She has a radiant sweetness, even though she's scared to death. DUDLEY stares at her, captivated. He's in love.

MAGGIE (CONT'D)         where would you gentleman like to sit?

DOUG Are there any booths open? All the people quickly jump out of their booths.

BOB Wow. Everyone is so nice, here. The guys sit in one of the booths. Dudley hangs back, and struggles to talk to Maggie.

DUDLEY

(TO MAGGIE) Um... So? Dudley tries to think of something else to say, but can't. He nods awkwardly, then heads over to the booth. He sits down with the guys.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 58.

DUDLEY (CONT'D)

(TO GUYS) She's perfect.

DOUG You like the waitress, huh?

DUDLEY I wanted to say something funny to her, but I could only think of black jokes. Maggie, still very skittish, approaches the table.

MAGGIE And what would you gentleman like today? Doug looks to the next table, where a man is enjoying french toast.

DOUG Mmmm. I'll have what he's having. Maggie nods obediently and takes the man's plate. She slides it in front of Doug.

DOUG (CONT'D)         No, uh... I'll take a new one. He can keep his.

MAGGIE Of course. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Maggie quickly puts it back on the man's table.

DOUG Hey, it's okay. Really.

WOODY Not a big deal.

BOB

(FAKING ANGRY) Yeah, just don't let it happen again! Bob hammers his fist on the table and laughs at his joke, but Maggie starts to cry. The guys suddenly look confused as she runs to the kitchen in tears. Bob looks back to the guys.

BOB (CONT'D)         Wow. That wasn't funny.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 59.

DUDLEY It's hard to be funny without being racist. Doug is looking at the town's local paper, and smiles.

DOUG Hey, guys. This block party tonight looks cool. Music, grilled corn, dollar beers, funnel cakes.

DUDLEY Funnel cakes!? Let's stay here tonight!

WOODY No, no, no, no. We have a schedule. San Francisco is waiting.

BOB What schedule? You said we're taking this trip to live. Let's stick around and live a little. Have some small town fun! Woody goes to protest again, but Dudley stands up.

DUDLEY

(LOUDLY) Let's party all night in Lucas!

BUD (O.C. From kitchen area) God Dammit! What'd we do to deserve this!? We ANGLE TO SEE: MAGGIE rush over to calm BUD down. Bud calms down, then hears another motorcycle engine roaring down the street. He looks out the window and shakes his head.

BUD (CONT'D)         Not another one of these assholes. A moment later, MURDOCK, a fat, grungy Hells Angel, enters the diner with a cocky swagger and has a seat at         the bar.

MURDOCK

(TO BUD) Get me a beer, old man. And if it's not good, I'm going to smash it across your face.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 60. ANGLE ON: The WILD HOGS, watching from the table behind Murdock.

DOUG (sotto, to the guys) Not another one of these assholes. Murdock hears this and whips around to see the Wild Hogs.

MURDOCK What'd you say?

DOUG Oh, I was actually referring to some guys we met at a bar about two hundred miles east of here. You're probably not

AFFILIATED--

MURDOCK That's my gang. I'm on my way there now.

DUDLEY (loudly, to Doug) so he is one of those assholes, Doug.

MURDOCK Excuse me? Murdock puts his beer down, and stares angrily at Doug.

MURDOCK (CONT'D)         And who the hell are you freaks? Doug starts to answer, but Woody, looking nervous, cuts him off.

WOODY --Oh, we're just a group of friends. No         big deal. Your guys gave us permission to pass by, so it's all good.

MURDOCK Hells Angel's don't give permission. Especially to a bunch of ball-less wimps like you. Bob hammers the table and stands up - his face red with long-suppressed rage.

BOB I'm not a wimp, pal'. I'm a man! You got that? Huh? You got that!!

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 61. The guys look at Bob, wide-eyed. woody looks worried.

WOODY Bob, let's not get carried away--

BOB No, you know what? This guy needs a         talking to just like his friends did, Woody.

WOODY But, Bob. I don't think--

BOB Let me do this, Woody! You stood up to         them last time, and I just sat there like I always do... Well, not this time! (turns to Murdock) Listen, you piece of shit. You think you can just walk around and bully perfectly nice people? You think that's how it         works? Well, guess what? This is the real world. With real laws and real consequences. You hear me!? Bob swats Murdock's beer out of his hand. It spills all over him. Murdock is too filled with rage to speak.

BOB (CONT'D)         Now get out of here! And if that gang of         inbred assholes needs things explained to          them again, tell 'em the Wild Hogs will be right here in Lucas tonight. Woody puts his face into his hands.

BOB (CONT'D)         Now get. Murdock just stares daggers at him.

BOB (CONT'D)         Get! Bob kicks the stool out from under Murdock. He almost falls, but catches himself on a stool. He glares at the guys, but he's outnumbered. He grits his teeth and storms out the door. Woody winces to himself as he         watches Murdock go. This isn't good. After a moment, BUD comes running out from behind the bar.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 62.

BUD Wait... You guys aren't Hells Angels?

DOUG Us? Oh, no. We're from Cincinnati. Bud calls out to the kitchen.

BUD Charley!? They ain't the bad ones! CHARLEY, the sheriff from before, stands up from behind a         countertop in the kitchen.

CHARLEY You guys aren't Hells Angels?

DOUG No. We're Wild Hogs. That's our gang.

(THEN) And our rotary club softball team... My         wife had extra patches.

CHARLEY Well, sweet Mary Joseph... Welcome to         Lucas! I'm the sheriff, Charley Baskins. I keep the peace here.

DOUG Weren't you just hiding in the kitchen?

CHARLEY Well... A non-confrontation approach sometimes is the best method to keep aggression...

(GIVES UP) Yeah, I was hiding in the kitchen. Charley looks at them for a moment, then starts to tear up.

CHARLEY (CONT'D)         I'm an embarrassment. Charley hurries off to the bathroom. The guys look at         each other.

DOUG Well, now he is.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 63.

EXT. MAIN STREET - A FEW MINUTES LATER

CHARLEY walks through the town square with DOUG, BOB, WOODY and DUDLEY. There's a stage and booths set up         around the park in the center - ready for the block party. As the news spreads that the Wild Hogs are friendly, the townspeople start to take to the streets again.

CHARLEY Sorry about all the confusion when you arrived. Those guys are pretty rough. You're the first people to ever stand up         to them.

DOUG Well, Woody is the one who really--

BOB Hey-- we should probably share the credit. I mean, I just basically kicked that guy's ass. Man! You know how good that felt!? Yeah! Bob punches a handicapped parking sign, which rattles against its post, then falls to the ground. Bob immediately looks regretful.

DOUG Nice. Now the paraplegics can park down the block and get more exercise.

BOB (suddenly meek again) Should I fix it? Oh, man. I should.

(TO CHARLEY) I'm sorry... I didn't mean to--

CHARLEY Forget about it. We only have one cripple and he gets pulled around in a         wagon. Come on, I want to show you guys something. Charley leads the guys off.

INT. POLICE GARAGE - A FEW MINUTES LATER

Charley flips on the light in a neatly organized police garage. In the middle sits a sparkling, unridden Harley Davidson police bike.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 64.

DOUG Wow. That's fantastic.

BOB You ride this?

CHARLEY Oh, no. The Hells Angels would take it         to pieces if they ever saw me on it. I         just keep it in here. Polish it and so         forth. But I'd never let them see it.

DOUG Those guys are that big of a problem, huh?

CHARLEY Yeah. They ride into town a few times a         month and get drunk, damage property...          Basically turn the place upside down.

DOUG And the police don't do anything?

CHARLEY Well, It's a small town - and me and the Dooble brothers are the only law. And they're still pretty green.

WOODY Can't you call a bigger town or something for backup?

CHARLEY Yeah, I've done that a few times. But the gang is always gone by the time they get here. We've also tried wearing riot gear, which does protect you from being hit, but not from being dragged. Also, one of the Dooble brothers tried to throw tear gas, but the bottle exploded and blew off his ear.

DUDLEY Ech.

CHARLEY Yeah, he's hard to look at.

(THEN) Anyway, we want you guys to stay at our hotel tonight on us... Seeing as you're         the new town heroes and all.

"wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 65. The guys look flattered. Except Woody.

WOODY Oh, thanks, but we're actually moving on--

DOUG

(TO DUDLEY) We'd be honored to stay. Thank you. Woody's looks at Doug in protest. Doug gives him a stern glare.

CHARLEY And if you're not in a rush to leave in         the morning-- We've got a great trout stream you might want to check out.

DUDLEY Cool! Let's fish! Doug shrugs.

DOUG Sure. Let's do it.

WOODY Uh uh. No, I'm putting my foot down, here. I still get a vote on what we do, you know? And I want my vote.

DOUG Okay. Of course you get a vote. Woody nods and looks at Bob and Dudley. They clearly intend to stay.

WOODY I actually get three votes. Because I         planned the trip.

DOUG But you didn't plan the voting system. I         did. So you only get one. Sorry. Doug, Bob and Dudley walk off. Woody fumes.

WOODY You know what? Old Doug wasn't such a         douchebag!

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 66.

EXT. BIKER BAR - SAME TIME

MURDOCK has arrived at the bar, which is just a burned shack at this point. The Hell's Angels are gathered around, watching JACK beat the crap out of a remaining wall with a pipe. He finally stops when the wall has crumbled.

JACK Those assholes think they can cross the Hells Angels? Do you know how bad they've made us all look!? The gang nods. They all look pissed.

JACK (CONT'D)         Those guys have some balls. Balls I will put in my mouth and chew on!! The gang looks at Jack with a slight smile. OILCAN chuckles.

OILCAN You're going to put balls in your mouth? The gang laughs. Jack realizes what the joke is...

JACK No! I'm not-- I'm going to put my foot up their asses! Both feet! Hell, I'm         going to stick anything I can in their asses, and I'm going to enlov it. The guys start laughing again. Jack boils red.

JACK (CONT'D)         Shut up!! I didn't mean-- Just get on         your damn bikes! We're riding to Lucas! The guys start towards their bikes. Oilcan sidles up         next to Jack.

OILCAN Sometimes it helps if you say things in         your mind first, then say it out loud, you know? Jack looks at Oilcan for a beat, then bends down, picks a         dart up out of the ash, and jabs it into his shoulder.

OILCAN (CONT'D)         Oww! Dammit!

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 67.

JACK I did that in my mind, first. Jack smiles calmly and walks off.

EXT. MAIN STREET HOTEL - THAT AFTERNOON

DOUG, BOB, WOODY and DUDLEY exit out of an old fashioned hotel next to the diner. They cross to the town square, where the block party is in full swing. Townspeople mingle around eating corn-on-the-cob and hotdogs. Up on         the stage, a plump, middle-aged man with a goatee and a          polo shirt tucked into dockers - sings Justin Timberlake's "Rock Your body."

PLUMP MAN So you grab your girls, And you grab a         couple more. And you all come meet me, in the middle of the floor. Gonna rock your body! 'Till the break of

DAY-- The man drops to his knees at the edge of stage and reaches his hand out to the audience, like the star of a         boy band; However, it's clearly making the people on the dance floor uncomfortable. Meanwhile, Doug, Bob, Woody and Dudley walk through the square and are instantly greeted, patted on the back and thanked by each townsperson they pass. The word is out that these guys are heroes. Doug gives a "can you         believe this?" look to the other guys - who are just as         thrilled as him. They're eating it up.

DOUG These people love us. This is nuts.

BOB Yeah. They think we're bad asses.

DOUG Well, let's not get too carried away with it. The truth is we're just regular guys. Let's not forget that.

DUDLEY Yeah, the best thing is to keep a low profile. Don't cause any waves. Then if         somebody pushes us too far, Boom! We go         Billy Jack upside their heads!

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 68.

WOODY You're going to go Billy Jack?

DUDLEY Nooo. I'm just minding my own business. I don't want to cause any trouble. Dudley turns to Woody and stares at him. Woody looks confused.

WOODY

(TO DUDLEY) What?

DOUG He's waiting for you to say something else, then he's going to kick you. Dudley gets a deflated look and backs off of Woody.

DUDLEY

(TO WOODY) Doug just saved you a world of hurt.

WOODY You're afraid of your cat.

DUDLEY Yeah, well... He once bit me on the sack. Dudley walks off towards the beer tent. Woody looks to         the other guys with a puzzled look.

BOB It's true. He was unclogging his bathtub drain and the cat thought it was a ball of yarn. Doug and Woody wince. ANGLE ON: DUDLEY, at the beer tent. He gets in line, and realizes he's behind MAGGIE. She smiles at him.

MAGGIE Hi. Dudley is wide-eyed.

DUDLEY Um... I, uh---

(SCRAMBLING) What do you call a Mercedes in Harlem?

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 69. Maggie looks confused.

MAGGIE Excuse me?

DUDLEY Nothing-- uh...         Maggie notices the tattoo on Dudley's shoulder.

MAGGIE Wow. You like macs too, huh? I've got a         vintage Apple 2e. Restored it from scratch. Dudley's jaw drops.

DUDLEY I-- have a cookie jar made out of a 2e. For fig newtons.

MAGGIE Wow. I like fig newtons. Dudley collects himself and tries to speak.

DUDLEY Yeah. They're like fried chicken at a-- No, that's not... Dammit! This is hard. Maggie smiles sweetly as Dudley fumbles.

MAGGIE You want to dance? Dudley goes to respond, then decides to just give an         emphatic nod. Maggie smiles.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE - A FEW MINUTES LATER

DOUG, BOB and WOODY are sitting at a picnic table, drinking beer out of plastic cups. They lean back and soak up the small town celebration around them. It's a         great night.

DOUG It doesn't get any better than this, huh? Bob notices Doug getting ready to chomp down on a piece of garlic bread.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 70.

BOB That's a lot of carbs. Doug stops, mid-bite, and puts the bread down.

DOUG Thanks, Bob. You saved me from all that... buttery, garlicky flavor.

WOODY No he didn't.         Woody takes the garlic bread and crams it in his mouth.

WOODY (CONT'D)

(MOUTH FULL) I did.

DOUG I hope you choke on it. CHARLEY approaches with his two deputies, EARL DOOBLE and BUCK DOOBLE. They are chubby, thirty-year old twins - identical in every way, except for the fact that Buck is         missing an ear on the right side of his head... which the skin has scarred back over. It doesn't look good.

CHARLEY Howdy, guys! Welcome to the block party! These are my deputies: Earl and Buck Dooble. Earl shakes the guys hands.

EARL I'm Earl and he's Buck. Just remember, the brother with the word "ear," in his name, has both on his head.

(LAUGHS) I can only say that because I'm on his right side. Which as you can see, is         blown off. Earl laughs again, as BUCK extends his hand - oblivious.

BUCK I'm Buck and this is Earl. Good luck telling us apart! Buck laughs and turns to Charley, exposing his missing ear to the guys. They draw back a little.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 71.

DOUG Well, it's nice to meet you guys. You've         got a great town here.

CHARLEY Yeah, we got everything here. Good people, good fishing...

EARL We do have convicted child molesters, though. We have to disclose that.

CHARLEY Not if they don't have kids, Earl.

EARL Just to be safe, though. (yells at crowd of people) Hey!! Thomas Milborn! A bookish man with a tweed jacket turns around and looks.

EARL (CONT'D)

(ANNOUNCING) Convicted child molester. Thomas Milborn nods glumly and pulls his hands out of his pockets. The guys look at each other uneasily.

BOB Well... Still a nice town.

WOODY If you're not a kid.

DOUG Or Thomas Milborn.

ANGLE ON: DANCE FLOOR AREA: DUDLEY is on the dance floor with MAGGIE. The middle aged guy on stage is letting loose with a rendition of         Usher's "Yeah." Maggie and Dudley dance conservatively for a moment, but as the beat gets ahold of Dudley, he         starts getting into it. He starts spinning around at a         rapid pace, then drops to his knees, slaps the ground and shakes his head to the music. Maggie watches curiously as Dudley pulls himself along the ground by his elbows - then springs up to his feet and starts a move that resembles a sprinkler. Maggie grins - actually amused by Dudley's rhythmic passion.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 72. ANGLE ON: The Wild Hog's table. The guys sit with Charley, Buck and Earl - watching Dudley with a curious look.

CHARLEY Looks like your friend and Maggie are hitting it off.

DOUG Yeah. I think he really likes that girl.

CHARLEY Well, Maggie's a great woman.

EARL Yup. Big cans, too. Buck liked her, but you know... He's a deformed freak. Buck, on Earl's left, stares out at Maggie and Dudley, deaf to the conversation.

BUCK I used to like that girl... but then I         realized, I can do better. The guys look at Buck.

CHARLEY So, why are you guys taking this road trip, anyway?

DOUG Ahh, just to escape for a bit.

WOODY Hey, we're not escaping anything, man. We're on this trip to live.

CHARLEY I know what you mean. Sometimes things in life can bother you, and sometimes nothing in life can bother you. Either way, you've got take a break from it. Happiness is somewhere between boredom and stress. Doug is surprised at Charley's insight. So is Woody.

WOODY Exactly. Which is why we need to keep riding until we figure out where that happiness is. You don't get old Doug back by just staying put.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 73.

CHARLEY Old Doug?

DOUG Yeah. Apparently I've lost him. I don't         sing Bon Jovi anymore.

WOODY You did lose him, Doug. You know why? You're housebroken. You're too comfortable. You've got to snap out of         it! Doug nods halfheartedly. He knows woody might be right.

CHARLEY

(TO DOUG) Woody's got a point, there. Comfortable can be a bad thing. You have to wake up         and slap the bull once in a while.

WOODY Right! Slap the bull! (then, to Charley) What?

CHARLEY Slapping the bull is kind of the local test of manhood. It's a way to prove you aren't controlled by fear. We've all done it.

EARL Yup. Even torn-open head, here. He nods at Buck, on his left.

BUCK You know, I slapped the bull once. Woody smiles slyly. Doug looks concerned.

WOODY We're slapping the bull.

DOUG I don't think we need to. I mean, we can have our own test of manhood. Let's see how many ears of corn we can eat or         something. I'll start. Doug grabs an ear of corn and takes a bite, but Woody just grins with that reckless look in his eyes.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 74.

WOODY We are slapping the bull. Doug knows it's no use. He nods, defeated.

CUT TO:

EXT. COW PASTURE - THAT EVENING

DOUG, BOB, WOODY, CHARLEY, BUCK and EARL approach a fence surrounding a pasture. Charley smiles.

CHARLEY Here we are. The Lucas test of manhood. Slap the bull. Charley gestures to a lone bull grazing in the pasture. He's a frighteningly large bull with enormous horns.

WOODY Wow. So it's literally slapping a bull?

EARL Yup. Right on the ass. Then high-tail it out of there, because he can kill ya.

DOUG Wow. Um... Woody? This was your idea, so... go ahead. Woody nods.

WOODY All right. I'm going in.

DOUG / BOB You are?

WOODY Hell yeah. I'm gonna slap the shit out of that bull. Like, pimp-style. The guys look at him, surprised and somewhat impressed. Woody takes a breath and climbs over the fence. He         approaches the Bull very quietly and cautiously. He gets within three feet of it, leans in and slaps the Bull hard on the ass. The bull makes an annoyed sound and turns around, but Woody is already hightailing it back to the fence, with an exhilarated look on his face.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 75.

WOODY (CONT'D)         Whhhheeeeeeew! Woody gets to the fence and hurls himself over. The guys all applaud.

WOODY (CONT'D)         Yes! Wow! That felt so good. I just slapped a big fat bull right on his ass! Did you hear how pissed he was!? I just pissed of a bull! (back to Bull) Bitch! Woody high fives all the guys.

DOUG All right. I'm in. I'm slapping that bull. The guys cheer as Doug climbs over the fence and starts heading towards the Bull. The group all leans on the fence, watching.

WOODY

(TO CHARLEY) Thanks for bringing us out here. Doug really needs this.

BOB Yeah. This is good for him.

CHARLEY Sure. Glad we could help.

BUCK Yeah, and we've never seen it done twice in a row. It'll be interesting to see how the bull takes being slapped now that he's alert.

WOODY / BOB Alert? Woody and Bob look at each other, then to the Bull - which Doug is about to slap.

WOODY Doug, wait! It's too late. Doug slaps the bull hard, and turns to         run.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 76.

DOUG Wheeeeew!! Yeah! Doug runs across the field, but the Bull - now fully alert - swivels with magnificent agility and breaks into an angry charge towards Doug. The guys all watch in horror as the Bull quickly gains on         Doug. Doug sees the fear on the guys faces and looks back over his shoulder. His smile quickly turns to         terror.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Ahhhhhhhh! It's too late. The Bull catches Doug and bucks him into the air. Doug flies ten feet and comes crashing down on         the muddy grass. The Bull takes a few steps back and starts lining up another charge at him.

WOODY Oh, no you don't!         Woody jumps over the fence and runs into the field.

WOODY (CONT'D)         Heeeeey! Hey you! Come get me, Bull! The Bull notices Woody and starts to Charge him.

WOODY (CONT'D)         Run, Doug! Go! Doug climbs to his feet and sees the bull charging Woody. Woody realizes he's in trouble and starts to run again. The bull quickly catches him and rams him into the air. Woody lands hard, with a grunt. The bull turns back to charge at Woody again, and Bob jumps over the fence.

BOB Hey! Leave him alone! You want some of         this!? Come get this! Bob sprints out into the field. The bull snorts and starts towards him. The Bull closes on Bob quick, but at         the last moment Bob dives of the way. The bull goes flying past him.

BOB (CONT'D)         Hah! Missed me, you fat bastard!

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 77. Doug and Woody look impressed as Bob helps them hurry towards the fence. Charley and Buck hold a gate open for them as the Bull makes a turn and lines the group up, but they've already made it to the gate. They go through and Charley shuts it behind them. They lean back on the fence, trying to gather their bearings, except Bob - who is thrilled.

BOB (CONT'D)         Did you see me? I dodged him! I dodged that stupid cow! How cool am-- Suddenly, the Bull charges into the fence, which Bob's         butt is sticking through. Bob goes flying and lands face down in the dirt. He scrambles back up, furious.

BOB (CONT'D)         You son of a bitch! You want to keep it         going!? You want to take cheap shots!? Come on! Bob tries to climb back into the pasture, but the guys restrain him.

BOB (CONT'D)

(TO CHARLEY) Give me your gun! Give me the gun! He         deserves it!

(TO BULL) I'll kill you! Doug and Woody hold on to Bob until he calms down. Doug and Woody start to laugh. Bob cools off for another moment, then starts laughing as well.

WOODY No this is living!

DOUG We just slapped the bull! The group high fives each other in congratulations, and starts away: Bruised, muddy and laughing. ANGLE ON: THE BULL. He pushes on the gate that Charley was holding open. The gate swings open. ANGLE ON: WOODY, BOB and DOUG. They walk with Charley and the Dooble brothers, laughing and carrying on.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 78. Bob does an impression of how he dodged it and goes for some more high fives - but suddenly, the bull charges into frame and nails him. As Bob goes flying; we:

CUT TO:

EXT. TOWN SQUARE / BLOCK PARTY - LATER THAT NIGHT

The block party is winding down. Dudley is sitting by         himself at a picnic table, in post-Maggie bliss. DOUG, WOODY and BOB approach, dirty and beaten from the bull - but, carrying on happily.

WOODY Man, did you see the look on Bob's face when he got up? Didn't dodge him that time! Woody and Doug laugh. Bob looks pissed.

BOB I'm going to go back there with a rifle tomorrow and shoot one of his legs off. Then we'll see who's tough.

DOUG

(LAUGHING) Why just one leg?

BOB Because I want to kick him in the face. Doug and Woody laugh again. Bob just steams. They spot DUDLEY, and head over to him.

DOUG Hey, Dud. You look happy.

DUDLEY I danced with her. And she likes macs. You know what that means?

DOUG You have a sister?

DUDLEY I have a soulmate.

DOUG I thought you said the color ipod was your soulmate.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 79.

DUDLEY I thought it was. But now, I realize that ipod was just a well-designed whore. The guys smile. It's been a good night for all of them.

DOUG Come on. Let's go back to the hotel. We've got to get up early to do some fishing. The guys start walking towards the Main Street hotel.

WOODY Okay, fine. But after fishing - we hit the open road and keep moving, okay?

DOUG Open road, baby!

BOB Wild Hogs ride! The guys continue with enthusiastic cheers as we hear the off-screen rumble of engines. Doug looks down the street and sees: THE HELLS ANGELS. All forty of them are riding into town - and the guys will be in their view any second. Woody is frozen with fear.

DOUG Are you kidding me? Woody, you're going to have to talk to these guys again. Get them to leave this town alone--

WOODY Hiiiiiiiidee! DOUG, BOB and DUDLEY look confused. Woody looks around desperately for somewhere to hide - but the Hells Angels are too close. There's no time. Woody spots a port-o- potty from the block party and starts corralling Doug, Bob and Dudley into it.

WOODY (CONT'D)         Go! Go! Go! Woody pushes his puzzled friends into the port-o-potty, then gets in with them and shuts the door, just as the Hells Angels cruise by them.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 80.

INT. PORT-O-POTTY - CONTINUOUS

All four guys are squished inside the port-o-potty like sardines.

DOUG Woody!? What the hell is wrong with--

WOODY Shhhh! They'll hear you! Don't make a         sound!

EXT. TOWN SQUARE - CONTINUOUS

The Hells Angels park their bikes. We see all the townspeople have stopped enjoying themselves, and just stand there, scared. Jack gets off his bike and looks around.

JACK

(YELLS OUT) Good evening, Lucas. Now, as hurt as I         am that you're having a party and didn't          invite us... We're only here for one reason. The "Wild Hogs." Where the hell are they!?

INT. PORT-O-POTTY - CONTINUOUS

Doug looks at Woody. He's starting to figure it out. Woody guiltily avoids Doug's glare and watches the Hells Angels through a vent in the port-o-potty.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE - CONTINUOUS

The townspeople aren't saying a word. Jack continues to         pace in front of the diner.

JACK Come on, now. You shouldn't be         protecting them. These "Wild Hogs," not only passed us when we specifically told them not to, they drained out all our gas and burned down our bar. Like the little cowards they are. Now where are they!!?

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 81.

INT. PORT-O-POTTY - CONTINUOUS

Upon hearing this, BOB, DUDLEY and DOUG all look at         WOODY, who shrugs sheepishly. Bob is enraged.

BOB You son of a bitch! Bob lunges at Woody, but the sudden shifting of weight is         too much for the port-o-potty...

EXT. TOWN SQUARE - CONTINUOUS

The port-o-potty tips over. All the Hells Angels turn and look as it crashes over on it's side. They continue to stare at it curiously.

INT. PORT-O-POTTY - CONTINUOUS

The guys, now on their side, freeze as they see through the vent that the Hells Angels are staring at them. It's         a very tense moment as they wait to see if they've been discovered. After a moment, we hear a "glup, glup,         glup," And the guys smell something curious.

BOB

(WHISPERING) What is that?

DUDLEY

(WHISPERING) It's that blue port-o-potty juice. It's         coming out of the can. The guys all cringe in disgust, but know they can't move.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE - CONTINUOUS

Jack finally turns away from the pot-o-potty and smirks.

JACK

(TO GANG) Now, that's a port-o-potty that ain't         worth shit. The Hell's Angels all laugh and turn back to the diner.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 82.

JACK (CONT'D)         All right, then. Nobody wants to tell me         where they are? Fine. Maybe this'll jar your memory. Jack takes a garbage can and tosses it into the diner window. The crowd gasps, as the Hells Angels laugh. CHARLEY steps out of the crowd.

CHARLEY I think they're out at Mckinley's         pasture. Something about slapping a         bull. It's up past the lake a ways. Jack smiles.

JACK Good. (to Hells Angels) Saddle up, boys. The guys get on their bikes.

JACK (CONT'D)

(TO TOWN) And if they ain't there. We'll be back reeeal soon. Because I don't let any man get away from me. The gang snickers. Jack realizes;

JACK (CONT'D)

(TO GANG) Shut the hell up! I didn't-- You know what I meant! Jack starts his bike and roars out of the town. The others follow him, gunning their bikes and leaving skid marks and smoke in their trail. A kid yells at the Hells Angels as they ride out of sight.

KIDS Go ahead and come back! The Wild Hogs aren't afraid you! The Wild Hogs aren't         afraid of anything! Suddenly, the door pops open on the port-o-potty and the WILD HOGS topple out of it in a heap. We see they're         soaked in blue port-o-potty juice. They scramble to their feet and run towards the large fountain in the middle of the town square.

I

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 83.

DOUG/BOB/WOODY/DUDLEY Ahhhh!/ I'm going to vomit!/ Ecchhh! The townspeople watch in silence as the guys jump into the fountain and try to rinse off. Bob puts his head under a water-spouting marble fish.

BOB It got in my hair! Gross! The guys desperately try to rinse off the juice - then, drenched from head to toe, turn their glare to Woody.

DOUG

(TO WOODY) You lied, didn't you!? You stood there and lied to us!

BOB You did! You're a stinking liar!

WOODY I did it for you guys! I wanted you to         live!

DOUG Live!? We're going to die, Woody! You burned down their bar! We are dead men!

DUDLEY Oh, man. I thought it was going to         happen slowly. I thought I had time! Dudley sits on the fountain edge and starts to tear up.

WOODY

(TO GUYS) I'm sorry, okay!

DOUG Sorry? That's it!? You're sorry!?

WOODY Yes, I'm sorry! I just didn't want us to         go back.

DOUG Why? It's just a stupid vacation!

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 84.

WOODY Because I don't have anything to go back to, okay! Doug and Bob go silent. Woody looks away - trying to         collect himself. After a moment, he faces them.

WOODY (CONT'D)         I've lost everything. The firm fired me, Claudia left me... It's all gone. My         whole life is gone. I don't even have enough money to get my lawn raked anymore. Doug, Bob and Dudley are stupefied. Woody takes a deep breath and continues.

WOODY (CONT'D)         That's why I couldn't go back. This isn't a vacation for me, it's the only thing I have left. There's nothing more in my life but you guys. So, I lied about the Hells Angels. I lied because I         wanted to have one thing in my life that wasn't a complete failure. A real trip with my best friends... You're all I         got. I'm sorry. Woody lowers his head. The guys take this in for a         minute. Woody looks at them, waiting for their sympathy. Finally, Doug speaks.

DOUG (realizing, to Woody) This trip is just you running from your life. Your miserable, screwed up life.

(GETTING ANGRIER) And you knew you couldn't go back to it, so instead you screwed up our lives, too... You asshole! Woody's puppy-dog face dissolves.

WOODY Fine! I see how important I am to you guys. That's just fine. I just thought being a "Wild Hog" meant something! Woody takes off his "Wild Hogs" jacket and throws it at         their feet. He hops out of the fountain and storms off down the street.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 85.

DOUG It doesn't mean anything! It's just a         patch my wife made!! Doug, Bob and Dudley look at each other. After a moment, they look over to the sidewalk and see: ALL THE TOWNSPEOPLE, staring at them in disappointed silence. Slowly, the townspeople turn and quietly head back to their homes. Doug, Bob and Dudley lower their heads in disgrace. So much for being heroes.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. POLICE STATION - LATER THAT NIGHT

DOUG stands in the darkened police station with DUDLEY, CHARLEY, BUCK and EARL. CHARLEY looks out the window with DOUG.

CHARLEY Looks like they're winding down some.

DOUG You think?

EXT. MAIN STREET DINER - CONTINUOUS

The Hells Angels have returned, and set up shop in the diner, but are also flowing out onto the street. Jack stumbles into the middle of the road, with a bottle of         tequila in his hand.

JACK

(YELLING OUT) Alright, Wild Hogs. We know you're in         town somewhere, 'cause you haven't          checked out of the hotel. We're a little smarter than you thought, huh?

OILCAN Hell yeah we are!! Wheeew! Oilcan smashes a beer can against his own head.

JACK So we're going to wait right here 'till you show up. Weeks, if we have to. Hell, we might just make ourselves the "Lucas Angels." That has a nice ring to         it, doesn't it?

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 86. Jack laughs.

INT. POLICE STATION - SAME TIME

The guys watch the commotion through the window.

DUDLEY Crap. I was thinking of that for us.

CHARLEY You guys just stay in the station tonight. No one needs to go out there and be a hero and end up getting hurt.

DOUG Thanks, Charley. Charley and the Dooble brothers look a little surprised.

CHARLEY Wow. So... You're not going out there? Doug sighs in irritation.

DOUG

(SNAPS) Well, you're the cop. Why don't you go         out there? Charley is visibly hurt. His lip starts to tremble.

CHARLEY

(TEARING UP) That's not cool, man. Charley runs out the back door of the station. EARL shakes his head and looks at Doug.

EARL You know, people have feelings. Sure, I         make comments about "chum face," here. But that's because every time I look at         him I see parts of his brain. But nobody has the right to hurt Charley like that. He has both sides of his head. Earl storms off, leaving BUCK, who was standing on his left and hasn't heard or seen any of them leave. He         stands there, looking at Doug and Dudley.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 87.

DOUG

(TO BUCK) Um... They left.

BUCK Huh? Buck turns and sees Earl and Charley have gone.

BUCK (CONT'D)         Son of a bitch. Buck hurries out the door after Charley and Earl.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. POLICE STATION - NEXT MORNING

Doug wakes up on a cot in an open jail cell. He walks out of the cell, and over to the window. ANGLE ON: The Main Street Diner: The Hells Angels bikes are still parked outside, and the bikers appear to be         passed out in various booths, chairs, and the street out front. BACK ON: The police station. Dudley and Bob approach the window.

DOUG They're still out there. Passed out.

BOB Well, I talked to Karen. She going to         fly out here, rent a mini-van, and pick us up. We'll just ship the bikes back later.

DOUG Bob, we can't leave. They'll just stay here and keep terrorizing this town.

BOB So what? They can call the National guard or something.

DOUG For what? To be stationed here permanently? Because these guys will just come back when they're gone. And it'll be even worse.

(MORE)

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 88.

DOUG (CONT'D)         We've created this problem, Bob. We've         got to think of a way to solve it.

BOB Well, Karen is really insistent she come drive us back.

DOUG Tell her "no," Bob. Bob looks uncomfortable at this thought.

BOB I can't do that.

DOUG Well, you're going to have to, Bob! We're not going to screw over an entire town because you're afraid of women! Bob stands up, insulted.

BOB Oh, sorry I'm not brave like you, Doug! The guy who gets injections in his scalp so he won't go bald! Bob storms out the back door of the police station. Dudley looks to Doug, curiously.

DUDLEY You do? Doug shrugs weakly.

DOUG You know, you can storm out too, if you want.

DUDLEY No, no. I mean, I thought about going to         see Maggie while those guys are asleep, but you need me right now.

DOUG Thanks, man. Doug smiles and gives Dudley a squeeze on the shoulder. Dudley is clearly disappointed, having assumed Doug would tell him to go see Maggie. Dudley just stands there, silent.

DOUG (CONT'D)         You okay?

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 89.

DUDLEY

(SNAPS) You're always asking me if I'm okay! Dudley quickly storms out of the police station. Doug nods to himself and slumps down on an office chair.

MUSIC CUE: "AFTER THE THRILL IS GONE" BY THE EAGLES

(CONTINUES THROUGH THE FOLLOWING SCENES)

EXT. BACK OF POLICE STATION - LATER

Doug exits and looks around the corner of the building, making sure the Hells Angels are still sleeping, then starts walking towards a wooded park behind the town.

EXT. PARK - A MOMENT LATER

Doug walks through the park, looking depressed. He         passes through a small playground, and has a seat on a          bench. He watches all the children play, and his eyes fall on four young boys happily riding their bicycles together. They have cards in their spokes, making engine sounds as they ride around having a great time together. Doug smiles and watches them play together.

FADE OUT MUSIC CUE

BUD (O.C.) Thought you might be out here. Doug turns and sees BUD, the owner of the diner, Bud has a seat next to him.

DOUG Hey, Bud. Look, I'm sorry we got your town in all this trouble. This trip was supposed to fix problems, not cause them.

BUD Well, maybe it's trying to and you just won't let it.

DOUG What do you mean? Bud smiles and looks out at the kids playing.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 90.

BUD It's the funny thing about life. It has to be an adventure to feel right. But when you become a husband and a Dad, you realize adventure is risk, and a family man has no place in his life for risk. Doug takes this in, then realizes.

DOUG You're right. That's why I stopped singing Bon Jovi. Life used to be a         risk. That was old Doug. And now it's         gone. I've taken away all the risk.

BUD Yup. And if you try to make livin' too safe, then it's not livin' at all.

DOUG It's not. And I have a will, now. So, I         only have so much livin' left. And somehow I've lost the best part of it.

BUD Well, maybe these will help you find it. Bud puts a styrofoam container on Doug's lap. Doug looks into it.

DOUG These are worms.

BUD Yup. To fish with.

DOUG I don't get it.

BUD Friends that screw up. Angry bikers. That's not something you should be         avoiding. That's something you need. Doug takes this in.

DOUG What's that have to do with worms?

BUD Go down to the lake and find out.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 91. Bud smiles and walks off. Doug looks down at the worms, considering...

EXT. LAKE - LATER

Doug walks up to the shore and sees Woody, trying to push a canoe towards the water. Woody notices Doug.

WOODY Hey.

DOUG Hey. Going fishing?

WOODY Yup. Woody gets the canoe to the water and looks back at Doug.

DOUG I've got worms.

(BEAT) I mean, in here. Doug holds up the styrofoam cup. Woody shrugs.

WOODY All right. Let's go. Doug helps Woody shove the boat out into the water. They both hop in as it floats away from the shore. They sit there staring off in silence.

DOUG Um... Look, man. I'm sorry about Claudia. And the job.

WOODY

(STARING OFF) Thanks.

DOUG But, you shouldn't have lied to us--

WOODY You know what? I screwed up! It         happens. Maybe from now on I'm better off just doing things on my own! Woody starts to get up, but then looks at the water around him, and sits.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 92.

DOUG You would have stormed off right then, huh?

WOODY

(DEFLATED) Yeah. Doug nods and looks out at the water. They sit there in         silence for another moment.

WOODY (CONT'D)         I didn't want to lose, Doug. I've lost everything else and I didn't want to lose this trip with you guys. When we're         together, it's like we're all college kids still. I'm not a guy with a broken marriage and failed career. I'm just with my best friends, being happy. And to keep it going, I forgot about what made it so great... That friends never let each other down. Until now. I         screwed up the last thing I had left. You guys deserve better. I'm sorry-- Woody eyes water a little and he quickly turns away from Doug. They sit there for another moment.

DOUG Well, what's the point of being in a         motorcycle gang if we can't ourselves in          a little trouble? Woody looks back at him. Doug smiles a little bit.

DOUG (CONT'D)         It'll be okay, man. Woody smiles a little as well.

WOODY They won't kill us, right? Just a...         really bad beating.

DOUG Yeah. We won't die. I don't think.

WOODY No way. And how much could a punch really hurt? Not much, probably.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 93.

DOUG Well, the good thing is we'll be able to         know for sure. That'll be cool.

WOODY Let's go find the Bob and Dudley. Doug looks around the canoe for a paddle.

DOUG Did you bring the paddles?

WOODY No. I wasn't even going to take this thing out, but I didn't want you to think I was just standing at the lake waiting for you.

DOUG Why were you here?

WOODY Bud told me to stand at the lake and wait for you. Doug nods. Bob walks up on the shore, holding a         styrofoam cup.

BOB Hey, guys.

DOUG Hey, Bob. Worms? Bob looks at the styrofoam cup and nods.

BOB Are we all good?

WOODY Yeah, Bob. We're all good. Woody smiles at Doug.

DOUG

(TO BOB) Throw us that paddle. Bob nods and picks up a paddle. He throws it toward the canoe, but it lands ten yards short and sinks.

BOB Shit. Hold on.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 94. Bob grabs another paddle and throws it. This time it         lands even shorter. Bob looks around for another paddle.

DOUG Were those the only two paddles?

BOB

(BUMMED) Yeah.

DOUG Oh. Bob sits down on the grass.

BOB You guys'll drift in.

DOUG

(BUMMED) Yeah. Woody and Doug look around at the water. It's as still as glass. They sit there awkwardly as Bob waits on         shore.

INT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - SAME TIME

A cook from the diner is at the kitchen stove, making something in a big pot, as a crowd of townspeople eat in         the kitchen and dining room. MAGGIE and DUDLEY cross through the kitchen, and out to the front porch.

EXT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - CONTINUOUS

Maggie sits on the porch swing and takes a breath.

MAGGIE Well, we can't seat many people in there, but at least we're back in business.

DUDLEY Sorry those jerks are in your diner.

MAGGIE Ah, we're used to them costing us money. Last year we spent more on window glass than pancake batter. All because of         them.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 95.

DUDLEY It makes me sick. Thinking they're too good for pancakes.

MAGGIE No, I meant... They damage the diner a         lot. They damage the whole town. I'm         just sorry you guys got dragged into it. You were just out to have a good vacation. Dudley looks at Maggie sincerely.

DUDLEY This has been the best vacation of my         life. I met you. Maggie blushes.

MAGGIE You bikers probably tell all the girls that. This hits Dudley. He suddenly looks troubled.

DUDLEY Maggie, I have to tell you something. I'm not really a cool biker or a cool...         anything. I'm a computer programmer. A         nerd. My cat doesn't even like me. She watches me sleep and I don't know why. I         think she's waiting for me to stop breathing. I'm just a... Geek. I'm         sorry if you thought I was somebody I'm          not. Maggie takes this in. After a moment, she smiles and kisses Dudley.

MAGGIE You're not a geek, Dudley. You're sweet and your honest and... You're the coolest guy I know. Your cat is crazy if         it doesn't like you as much as I do. Dudley smiles. He has completely fallen for her.

MAGGIE (CONT'D)         Well, I better get back inside. I've got to set some chairs up in the family room for the lunch rush. People gotta eat.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 96. Maggie smiles and heads inside. Dudley watches her go, then grits his teeth.

DUDLEY Oh, people will eat. Don't you worry, Maggie. People will eat.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. MAIN STREET DINER - A FEW MINUTES LATER

DUDLEY kicks open the front door. JACK and the other Hells Angels are inside, drinking and carrying on.

DUDLEY Alright, let's end this! The Hells Angels don't even notice him. Dudley bites his lip in frustration.

DUDLEY (CONT'D)

(YELLS) Hey! !         Dudley takes a table full of empty beer glasses and flips it over. Everyone in the diner goes silent and looks at         him. Jack stands up and smiles.

JACK Well, well. One of you came to face the music, huh? That's brave. And stupid. The Hells Angels laugh. Dudley takes a deep breath and walks up to Jack.

DUDLEY I'm not here to face any music. I'm here to make you a deal. A deal I think you'd         be smart to take.

JACK Yeah? What deal?

DUDLEY You leave the town of Lucas, and my         friends alone, and I do something for you. Something you can't live without. Jack looks interested. Dudley confidently sets a laptop on the counter, and punches a few keys. He swivels it         around to show the gang.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 97.

DUDLEY (CONT'D)         See where that says "Domain for sale?" Guess what that means. Your gang doesn't         have a website! Nothing! No way to tell people about your history, post photos, sell shirts... You guys are living in         the complete dark ages! (laughs cockily, then) So they way I see it: I need a favor from you and you need a favor from me. Jack walks over to the computer and looks at Dudley for a         moment. He then picks the computer up and smashes it         down on the ground. It breaks into a hundred pieces. Jack smiles at Dudley and puts his foot through what's         left of it. The Hells Angels stifle laughter. Dudley is         starting to look a little nervous.

JACK

(TO DUDLEY) No deal. Dudley nods.

DUDLEY Okay, then. Thanks for hearing me out. Dudley starts for the door, but several Hells Angels move over and block his path. Dudley stops and collects himself for a moment - then breaks into a panicked sprint for the other exit. The Hells Angels quickly spring into action and tackle him to the ground.

DUDLEY (CONT'D)         Sanctuary! Sanctuary!! The Hells Angels pull off him, confused.

OILCAN What?

DUDLEY Sanctuary. You have to take me to a         church and leave me alone. The Hells Angels look at each other and shrug.

OILCAN

(TO DUDLEY) No we don't.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 98.

DUDLEY

(DEFEATED) I know. The Hells Angels move back in on him. Dudley closes his eyes and rolls into a ball.

EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF MAGGIE'S HOUSE - SAME TIME

DOUG, BOB, and WOODY are walking back from the lake, and pass by Maggie's house. BUD, standing on the porch, sees them and smiles.

BUD If you're heading back to town, I         wouldn't go on an empty stomach. The guys see Bud and smile.

BUD (CONT'D)         Come have lunch. This is kind of our "fallout" diner. Smaller kitchen, but less piss on the bathroom floor.

DOUG Well, we can change that. Bud laughs as the guys enter the house.

INT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - A FEW MINUTES LATER

DOUG, BOB and WOODY are sitting at one of many card tables arranged in the family room, eating lunch. CHARLEY enters through the front door..

CHARLEY Hey, guys. Having your final meal? Charley laughs. Doug, Bob and Woody don't.

CHARLEY (CONT'D)         Sorry.

BOB

(TO CHARLEY) Where are Buck and Earl?

CHARLEY They're coming. Buck's ear is giving him some equilibrium problems.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 99. EARL ENTERS, holding the door open for BUCK, who walks through slowly.

EARL

(TO BUCK) Just keep your eyes forward and head up.

BUCK I'm fine. Buck walks a few more steps, then starts to tilt left. He quickly loses his balance and falls sideways, taking out a card table full of food and the old man sitting at         it.

EARL Goddammit. Earl helps Buck up and they join the guys at their table.

BUCK Hey, guys. Having your final meal? Buck and Earl laugh. Nobody else does.

CHARLEY (sternly, to Buck and Earl) That's out of line, guys.

EARL Sorry. Buck looks around the table.

BUCK Hey, isn't one of you missing?

WOODY Yeah, Dudley's with Maggie somewhere. MAGGIE COMES OUT OF THE KITCHEN and approaches the table.

MAGGIE Hey, guys. Where's Dudley?

DOUG He's with you, isn't he?

MAGGIE No. I thought he went to find you guys. Doug shares a worried glance with Bob and Woody.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 100.

DOUG

(TO CHARLEY) Charley, can I borrow your phone? Charley hands it to him, and Doug starts to dial.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Dudley has mine. I'll just call him.

WOODY He has a phone? What happened to         freedom?

DOUG He needed to call his answering machine so his cat could hear his voice.

(THEN) Here we go. It's ringing...

(TO MAGGIE) He probably snuck off somewhere to buy you some romantic gift or something. No         big deal.

BOB That's it. He's never had a girlfriend so he's probably getting carried away. He once drank eighteen Mocha Latte's         because the Starbucks clerk was smiling at him.

WOODY I remember that. His pee turned brown and he started crying.

DOUG Yeah. And the girl wasn't even smiling - she just had a cleft lip.

(INTO PHONE) Hello? Dudley?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MAIN STREET DINER - SIMULTANEOUS

Jack stands next to Dudley, who is duct-taped to a chair with so much tape that it looks like he's in a cocoon. Only his head is uncovered. Jack holds Dudley's         cellphone.

JACK

(INTO PHONE) Try again, asshole.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 101.

INT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - SIMULTANEOUS

DOUG (knowingly, to group) Nope. The Hells Angels have him. Doug gives a look to the other guys. They mouth "Shit:"

INT. MAIN STREET DINER - SIMULTANEOUS

JACK

(INTO PHONE) Damn right, the Hells Angels. Your friend paid us a little visit. And now he's hurting reeeeal bad.

DUDLEY No, I actually feel pretty-- Jack kicks Dudley's chair with his foot. It tips over and lands on it's side - with Dudley in it. Dudley looks out at the floor, helpless.

DUDLEY (CONT'D)         Ow!

(THEN) Hey, a peanut. Dudley tries to stick his tongue out to get the peanut. Jack notices and kicks it away.

DUDLEY (CONT'D)         Crap.

JACK

(INTO PHONE) So here's what we're going to do, now. You guys are going to pay us a visit. And you're going to bring a "disobedience         fee," of ten thousand dollars. Cash. And don't even think about calling any cops. Just you guys and ten grand. And if you don't show up in an hour - Well then, We'll just take the fine out of         your friend's legs... Which we're going to break with a tire iron.

DUDLEY (yelling to phone) Don't bring the money, guys!

(MORE)

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 102.

DUDLEY (CONT'D)         I'm a computer programmer! I don't need my legs! Jack considers this and turns back to the phone.

JACK

(INTO PHONE) His hands! We'll break his hands!

DUDLEY Dammit. (yelling to phone) Bring the money!

INT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - SIMULTANEOUS

Doug shakes his head at Dudley's stupidity.

DOUG

(INTO PHONE) We'll bring the money. Just don't touch our friend!

INT. BIKER BAR - SIMULTANEOUS

JACK

(INTO PHONE) Oh, I won't touch him if you bring that money. But if you don't, I'll be         touching him all night long. And I'll be         enjoying it. The other bikers suddenly stifle laughter.

JACK (CONT'D)         What!? There was nothing wrong with that one! That was tough! Those guys are afraid of me, now. They know how much I         want 'em! The gang laughs again.

JACK (CONT'D)         Shut up!! The gang stops laughing, off Jack's warning glare. Dudley looks up from the floor.

DUDLEY Hey can we call my cat, now? She needs to hear my voice.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 103. Jack looks down at Dudley, then to the other bikers.

JACK

(TO BIKERS) Get me more duct tape? A biker nods and grabs another role of duct tape. He         heads over to Dudley.

DUDLEY Crap.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - A FEW MINUTES LATER

DOUG sits in a chair, deep in thought. BOB, WOODY, EARL, BUCK, and BUD stand with other members of the town. MAGGIE is on a couch, sobbing into her hands.

MAGGIE

(CRYING) Sweet Dudley. He went there to save everybody and now they're going to break his hands.

DOUG No they aren't. We're going to get him back.

CHARLEY We sure are. I'm going to call the Highway Patrol. They'll be there in--

BOB No way. They said no law. We can't risk them doing anything to Dudley.

WOODY Bob's right. We can call the Highway Patrol after we get Dud back, but we         shouldn't piss these guys off while he's          still in their hands.

BOB I'm going to call Karen and have the cash wired out of our savings.

WOODY No. No way. This is my fault. All this is my fault. I have some money in my         severance package. We're using it.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 104.

MAGGIE Wait, he did this because of me. I have a thousand dollars in tip money I want to         put in.

BUD I have a couple thousand in the diner emergency fund I'll put in, too. Doug, who has been thinking all this over, stands up from his chair.

DOUG No. Nobody is paying anything. Everyone stops and gives Doug a puzzled look. He has a         new fire behind his eyes. His suburban quietude has transformed into something more... valiant.

WOODY What?

DOUG We're not calling the Highway patrol. We're not gathering ten thousand dollars. We're going over there and getting our friend back.

CHARLEY I don't think that's the safest plan.

DOUG It's not. But sometimes you have to do         the things that aren't safe, to create a          world that you're happy being in. These Hells Angels don't want our ten thousand dollars. They want our dignity. They want us to be afraid of them just like this town is. And once they know we're         afraid, they can do whatever they want. That's how these guys exist. That's how they ride into this town and tear it to         pieces... Because people want to keep their lives safe so badly, they give up         the best part about it...          Doug takes his Wild Hogs jacket and pulls it on.

DOUG (CONT'D)         .The adventure. Doug looks at Woody and Bob. Woody smiles and pulls on         his jacket.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 105.

WOODY And the friends. Woody steps over to Doug. Bob looks at them for a         moment, then finally smiles and pulls on his jacket.

BOB Let's go slap the bull. Doug smiles and taps fists with Bob and Woody.

CUT TO:

EXT. MAIN STREET - LATER

MUSIC CUE: BLUE OYSTER CULT'S "(DON'T FEAR) THE REAPER." DOUG, BOB and WOODY walk along main street, shoulder to         shoulder. They look to each other with a smile. Even though they're walking into the mouth of the beast, they're finally who they were in college again. Fearless. They approach the diner and stand out on the street, like gunslingers in the Old West, calling their enemy out of the saloon.

MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT The front door of the bar opens and the HELLS ANGELS swagger out. After a moment, the gang parts and JACK steps out in front of them.

JACK Well, well. The "Wild Hogs." I'm glad to see you're finally showing us a little respect.

DOUG Where's Dudley? Jack turns back and nods at one of the Hells Angels. They push DUDLEY forward. We see he is now completely cocooned in duct-tape - like a mummy. There is only a         small slit for his mouth and eyes.

DUDLEY (muffled from tape) Hey, guyth. Doug shakes his head.

DOUG Just hold tight, Dudley.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 106. Dudley tries to nod, but can't. He leans his torso back and forth to signal "yes."

DOUG (CONT'D)

(TO JACK) All right. Hand him over.

JACK Sure. Where's the cash? Doug looks to Bob and Woody. They nod encouragingly. Doug gathers his courage and turns back to Jack.

DOUG We're not giving you any money. Jack looks surprised.

JACK Excuse me?

DOUG We're not going to play your games. We're all adults, here. It's not highschool. I'm sorry your bar got burned down, and we'll be glad to help you get it rebuilt, but we're done being bullied by you. Now give us back Dudley, and get out of this town. The Hells Angels start to laugh. Jack turns back to them and smiles, "Can you believe these guys?" Doug is         starting to lose his cool.

DOUG (CONT'D)         (yells to Jack) Give us back our friend, asshole! The Hells Angels are suddenly silent. Jack turns back and looks at Doug in disbelief - then rage. Doug starts to look a little worried.

JACK What did you just call me?

DOUG (losing some confidence) Ass... hole.

JACK You know what? I was just going to         pulverize your friend, here.

(MORE)

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 107.

JACK (CONT'D)         But now I'm pissed off. You're all going to get hurt. Hells Angels style. Guys! The Hells Angles nod and pick up various weapons: Crowbars, tire irons, bats... They start moving towards Doug, Woody and Bob. Bob looks to Doug.

DOUG

(TO BOB) What!? I thought they'd back down!

WOODY We can still outrun them. They're fat. Woody turns around to see Hells Angles have now closed in         behind them, blocking their escape. Jack smiles.

JACK Hear that, guys!? He called you all fat!

WOODY shit. (to Hells Angels) I meant full-figured. The Hells Angels close to within a few feet of the "Wild         Hogs," and raise their weapons to strike.

DOUG Wait!! Wait a minute! The Hells Angels stop.

DOUG (CONT'D)

(TO JACK) You want to beat the shit out of us? Fine. But you outnumber us forty to         three. You think there's honor in that? Why don't we make it fair, if you guys are so freaking tough? The leader of our gang against the leader of yours. Jack smirks. He's twice as big as Doug.

JACK Me against you?

DOUG Yeah. But not just for Dudley. If you win, we'll give you ten grand and go back home. You'll never see us again. But... If I win, you let Dudley go and you never set foot in Lucas again. This town is         off limits to the Hells Angels. Forever.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 108. Jack looks back to the Hells Angels, who chuckle. This will be a quick fight.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Well? You in, or are you too much of a         bitch? The Hells Angels freeze. Jack grits his teeth in rage and turns back to Doug.

JACK All right. Let's party, tough guy.

DOUG Great. Doug nods, trying to look confidant, but it's quickly fading away.

DOUG (CONT'D)

(UNSURE) Great.

CUT TO:

EXT. TOWN SQUARE - A FEW MINUTES LATER

DOUG and JACK are standing "in their corners," opposite each other in the dirt parking lot. They're surrounded by a circle of Hells Angels, rowdily waiting for the fight to commence. WOODY and BOB coach Doug in his corner.

WOODY Just stay clear of the big punches. You've got more stamina than this guy.

DOUG All right. When do I hit back?

WOODY Um... Just try and get him tired. I         don't think punches will do much to him. Doug gives Woody a concerned look. Woody shrugs. Jack steps into the circle and throws off his jacket.

JACK

(CALLING OUT) Time for your beating, yuppie!

7/06/05 109.         "Wild Hogs" writers first draft

DOUG

(TO BOB) Tell my wife I won - then got hit by a         truck. Doug takes a deep breath and starts into the circle.

DOUG (CONT'D)

(TO JACK) All right. Let's do this-- Doug doesn't even finish his sentence as Jack lands a         punch on the side of his head. Doug is stunned, as Jack sends his other fist crashing into Doug's forehead. Doug goes flying backwards, and falls down in the dirt. The Hells Angels cheer. Jack high fives them as Doug struggles back to his feet and looks back at Woody and Bob, cradling his face.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Ow! Dammit Jesus that hurt!

(TO WOODY) It really hurts. Damn! Jack comes back over to Doug. Jack throws another right, but this time Doug ducks, still cradling his jaw.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Yes!-- But Doug is instantly punched in the stomach by Jack's         other fist. Doug winces as he doubles over in agony. Drool drips out of his mouth. This isn't pretty. Jack takes him by the back of the shirt and lifts him into the air. The Hells Angels cheer as Jack tosses Doug five yards into the dirt.

JACK Don't get tired yet. The hurt is just beginning. Doug tries to stand back up, but it's getting harder. He         slyly grabs a handful of sand as he starts to stand.

DOUG Hah! Doug whips around and throws the sand towards Jack's         face; However, his aim is off. The sand hits Jack in the chest and falls away. Jack looks at Doug and shakes his head.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 110.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Damn. Jack punches Doug square in the face again. Doug crumples to the ground in pain. Jack turns back to the Hells Angels.

JACK Man, this isn't even a workout. Jack laughs and puts his aviator sunglasses back on, as         Doug quickly stands up and whips around at him.

DOUG Ahhh! Doug throws another handful of sand. This time he aims carefully; but Jack now has sunglasses on. The sand bounces harmlessly off the lenses. Doug cringes and waits for the punch, which comes like a freight train into his stomach. Doug doubles over again as Jack lines up another punch.

JACK This one's gonna break bone.

DOUG Wait! Wait-- Doug straightens up and looks curiously at Jack's mouth.

DOUG (CONT'D)         Your tooth-- That's an acute periodontal abscess.

JACK What?

DOUG look, I really hate you, but I don't want to feel responsible for a death. I'm a         dentist. I took an oath. Same one as         doctors. If the infection in that tooth gets to the root - it could seep into your nervous system. Just let me look-- Doug slowly reaches towards Jack's mouth. Jack doesn't         move.

JACK You're a dentist?

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 111.

DOUG Yeah. One of the best. And I know when your gums are that swollen and your

BICUSPID-- And Wham! Doug punches Jack square in the mouth. Jack goes down hard. Woody and Bob cheer.

BOB Yeah, Doug!

WOODY Quick! Start kicking him! Don't let him get up! Doug nods and goes to kick Jack, but Jack grabs the foot and pushes him backwards. Doug falls back to the dirt. Jack stands up and dusts himself off.

JACK All right. Now you're going to die. Jack approaches Doug, who closes his eyes and waits for the end.

WOODY Wait!! Jack turns around as WOODY walks into the circle.

WOODY (CONT'D)         Doug's not the leader of this gang. I-- Jack instantly punches Woody in the face. Woody falls down next to Doug. Doug turns his head to Woody. They're both bleeding from their noses and lips.

DOUG

(TO WOODY) Thanks, man.

WOODY Sure. Jack looks at Bob.

JACK Anybody else the leader of this gang? Bob takes a deep breath, and bends down an grabs a long lead pipe. He starts towards Jack.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 112.

BOB Alright, Mother f-- Bob suddenly trips on the lead pipe and hits the ground. Doug shakes his head.

DOUG

(TO BOB) Just stay down. Bob nods.

JACK Well, I guess that's all of you-- DUDLEY, still covered in tape, comes running into the circle from the other side.

DUDLEY Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Dudley charges Jack, but his limited mobility results not in a tackle, but in him leaning on Jack. After a moment, Jack takes a step back and Dudley falls to the ground.

DUDLEY (CONT'D)         Ow. Jack cracks his knuckles and looks to OILCAN.

JACK Give me the crowbar. Oilcan nods and hands it to Jack. Jack smiles at the four fallen Wild Hogs.

JACK (CONT'D)         Guess you guys are wishing you'd          listened, now, huh? Jack smiles as we hear:

SFX: SIREN Jack and the Hells Angels look up the road. ANGLE ON: DOWN STREET. CHARLEY is riding his shiny Harley Davidson police bike. Behind him are BUCK and EARL, driving a police cruiser. Behind the cruiser is a         large group of people carrying rakes, hedge clippers, brooms... It's all the citizens of Lucas. ANGLE ON: Hells Angels. They're stunned.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 113. CHARLEY pulls up to the group and gets off his motorcycle.

CHARLEY All right, Jack. That'll be enough of         that.

JACK Are you kidding? And what makes you think you can ride a motorcycle without our permission?

CHARLEY I'll ride whatever I want from now on. I'm the sheriff of Lucas, and I'm not tolerating any more lawlessness. BOB helps DOUG, WOODY, and DUDLEY to their feet, as Jack takes a step towards Charley.

CHARLEY (CONT'D)         I'd stop right there, Jack. Earl and Buck get out of the cruiser with two shotguns. They cock the guns and walk to Charley's side. Jack looks concerned.

JACK What? You're going to shoot us?

CHARLEY No. Not unless you want to do something stupid like ignoring-- Buck grabs his missing ear as he starts to loose his balance. He tips over and falls. As he hits the ground, the shotgun fires and hits OILCAN in the leg. Oilcan falls to the ground.

OILCAN Ahhhhhh! He shot me! I just got shot!! Charley looks over at Buck, then back to Jack.

CHARLEY Um... Yeah, I guess we're going to shoot you. The Hells Angels suddenly look nervous, and back up a few steps. Charley steps towards Jack.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 114.

CHARLEY (CONT'D)         We're not going to live in fear of your gang anymore, Jack. If the Wild Hogs can stand up to you - so can everyone of us. The crowd of townspeople gathers behind Charley and nods.

BUD

(FROM CROWD) That's right. You mess up our town, we'll do the same to you! The crowd cheers as THOMAS MILBORN, the guy Earl pointed out as a child molester, steps forward.

THOMAS MILBORN Yeah! People like you are the scum of         the earth! The crowd is silent for a moment, then hesitantly gives a         uncomfortable cheer. Charley turns back to the Hells Angels.

CHARLEY The point is, from now on you need to         treat Lucas with kindness and respect. And when you do, you'll be treated the same. And if you don't... Charley looks over at OILCAN, who's tending to the bullet wound in his thigh.

CHARLEY (CONT'D)         Then I guess we'll keep... shooting you. Got it? Jack looks at all the townspeople. He knows he's beaten. He nods bitterly.

CHARLEY (CONT'D)         Good. Now I'd like you to untape our friend Dudley. Jack signals to one of the Hells Angels. He grabs Dudley's tape and spins him around to untape him.

DUDLEY Ow. Ow! Ow, ow. Ow. Ow!...         After a painful minute, Dudley is untaped. Charley looks at Jack's jacket.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 115.

CHARLEY And I believe that's his jacket. Jack begrudgingly takes off Dudley's "Wild Hogs" jacket and tosses it to him. Dudley proudly puts it on.

CHARLEY (CONT'D)         And as I recall, that '51 Panhead was traded to Dudley. Jack looks over at the mint condition motorcycle and shakes his head.

JACK No way. He can have his Sportster back.

CHARLEY Uh uh. A deal's a deal, Jack. Jack grits his teeth and throws a set of keys at Dudley. The crowd chatters in approval as Dudley gets on the '51 Panhead and starts the engine. He revs it a few times and Jack shoots Doug an infuriated glare.

JACK

(TO DOUG) Hope you're happy. You suburban posers are a disease. You need to learn some damn respect for real bikers. Doug smiles.

DOUG You still don't get it do you, Jack?

JACK Get what?

DOUG We are the real bikers. As Doug says this, Dudley kicks the Panhead into gear and shoots forward - out of control. He instantly crashes into a steel light post. Everyone in the crowd cringes

DUDLEY LOOKS as the bike falls over in a crumpled heap. up from the ground.

DUDLEY Yeah, I'll take the Sportster back, I         guess.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 116. Jack just stares at the trashed motorcycle, mortified.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE POLICE STATION - LATER THAT AFTERNOON

It's later that afternoon in Lucas. DOUG, BOB and WOODY walk to their motorcycles with CHARLEY, EARL and BUCK.

CHARLEY Well, I wish you guys would stay longer.

DOUG Ahh, we should be heading back. I think we've had enough excitement for one trip. Earl steps forward and shakes Doug's hand.

EARL You guys were a blessing to this place. I mean... I'm not going to get all emotional like "hamburger head" here always does. Earl laughs and looks to his left. Buck isn't there. He         quickly looks to the right, where Buck is staring at him in disbelief.

BUCK What'd you just call me?

EARL

(CAUGHT) Um...

BUCK It's just a little scar! I'm still better looking than you! Buck goes to storm off, but after a few steps, tilts left and falls over.

BUCK (CONT'D)

(FROM GROUND) Dammit! Doug shakes his head, then turns to Woody and Bob.

DOUG (to Woody and Bob) You guys ready to head back?

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 117. Woody takes a deep breath and shakes his head.

WOODY You know what? I think I'm going to         press on. Keep heading West.

DOUG You are?

WOODY Yeah. Why not? I feel good about my         life again. And I'd like to see what San Francisco's all about. Doug nods and looks to Bob. You can tell he wants to go.

BOB I'm in, too! Let's ride to San-- Suddenly, a mini-van pulls up. KAREN and KELLY hop out.

BOB / DOUG Karen? / Kelly?

KAREN

(TO BOB) I told you I was coming, Bob!

KELLY

(TO DOUG) Hey, honey. Kelly kisses Doug. He smiles, glad to see her.

DOUG Hey, baby. What are you doing here?

KELLY Karen said you guys were in trouble. I         kept calling your cell, but somebody programmed it to not receive calls from our house. Doug shoots Woody a look.

WOODY

(CAUGHT) Excuse me. Woody hurries over to his bike. KAREN turns to BOB.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 118.

KAREN Well, I hope you guys had a nice trip. Now get in the van. We're going home.

BOB Um... Actually, we just decided we were going to keep pressing West for a few--

KAREN Oh, no. No way! I came all the way out here, rented a car, drove to this podunk

LITTLE TOWN-- As Karen is saying this, Bob looks over at the guys, then back to Karen. He can't take it anymore.

BOB --Karen! Karen stops talking, shocked by Bob raising his voice.

BOB (CONT'D)         Listen to me. This is My vacation and if         I want to ride on with my friends, well that's what I'm going to do! And if you have a problem with that, well... Tough shit! There's a moment of silence as Karen absorbs this. The guys all look at Bob proudly. After a few seconds, Karen's face softens.

KAREN

(SUDDENLY MEEK) Okay. Sorry... Just... be careful. Karen shyly kisses Bob on the cheek. Bob can't believe it.

BOB I will. And... I love you. Bob smiles at her and gets on his bike. ANGLE ON: DOUG and KELLY. Kelly looks at Doug.

KELLY So are you going, too?

DOUG I hadn't really decided. I have been having a good time, though.

(MORE)

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 119.

DOUG (CONT'D)

(SMILES) I even got beaten up. Doug winks cockily. Kelly lights up.

KELLY There he is! I saw old Doug! Doug blushes.

DOUG You'll see him even more if you and Billy meet me in San Francisco. We've got a         suite at the Ritz-Carlton. Doug smiles and gets onto his motorcycle. Kelly looks concerned.

KELLY What about work? And Billy's school? Doug shrugs like he hasn't a care in the world.

DOUG Ahh. We can risk it. Kelly smiles and kisses him proudly. Doug grabs her face and kisses her back... Then, turns to Woody and Bob.

DOUG (CONT'D)         We ready?

WOODY I think so. Dudley? What do you think? The camera PULLS OUT to reveal DUDLEY, sitting on his motorcycle. Next to him, is MAGGIE, sitting in the rusty sidecar now attached to Dudley's bike. She's wearing Dudley's goggles and nods to him encouragingly. Dudley looks back over to Doug, Bob and Woody.

DUDLEY Let's ride. They start their motorcycles. The engines roar to life.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER THAT DAY

The four motorcycles (and one sidecar) cruise down the open highway. The guys smile as the wind blows in their faces.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 120. It's freedom, joy and friendship all wrapped up in one expression. The camera PANS AROUND THEM, and finally ZOOMS IN ON DOUG. We see his eyes sparkle a little bit, and he opens his mouth:

DOUG

(SINGING) I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back. I play for keeps, 'cause I might not make it back...         I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride! I'm wanted... The other guys smile and join in:

DOUG/BOB/WOODY/DUDLEY Dead or alive! They all look at each other as they continue to sing over the roar of the engines:

DOUG/BOB/WOODY/DUDLEY (CONT'D)         Ohh, I'm a cowboy, I got the night on my          side!

I'M WANTED--

DOUG Wante-ee--ed!

DOUG/BOB/WOODY/DUDLEY Dead or aliiiivvvee!

MUSIC CUE: BON JOVI'S "WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE." The camera slowly PULLS OUT TO AN AERIAL SHOT, as the guys joyfully ride along the sunlit highway. It's a good day to be a Wild Hog.

FADE OUT:

END CREDITS