Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak

Previously on Two and a Half Men: Persons present now come to be joined. Rose and Manfred She's really doing it. - Rose is getting married. - And we're clear. Yep. That ought to do it. Thanks, Freddy. - Who moves you, Rose? Him or me? - I love Manny. Fine. You just say the word and I'll go. Time's up. Charlie, you home? Charlie? Hello? Didn't you hear me? Didn't you see me trying to hide? Cute. Okay. How would you feel if I said I was moving out? Same way Charlie Brown feels when Lucy offers to hold the football. Excited, but with a skepticism born out of countless disappointments. Ha-ha-ha. I deserve that. But it's different this time. Read this. "A larger penis can be yours with a non-invasive surgical procedure. " No. No. Next to it. There. "Dr. Dave Ciambotti. " Orange County's number one chiropractor. "Mention this ad for 20 percent discount and a free Spinebuster key chain. " What's this have to do with moving out? I went to school with Dave Ciambotti. We were roommates. Say no more. You're finally out of the closet and shacking up with Dr. Dave. Congratulations, God bless you both. No. No. It's okay, Alan. I don't judge. Although I'm sure Old Dave could do better. Will you stop? Okay, Dave and I had the same education, the same skills. We started our practice at the same time. But he does three times the business that I do. You know why? He offers happy endings? Target market advertising. Another way of saying "happy ending"? No, no. It means newspaper ads, uh, fliers, radio spots. Since Dave started doing it, his business has been through the roof. How much is this gonna cost me? No, no. The question is, how much is it gonna earn you? I'll stick with my question. Charlie, I'm willing to let you in on the ground floor of an amazing business opportunity. Still waiting for a number, Alan. Five thousand dollars. Five grand? For 2 I'd have you buried in the desert and have 3 to get myself a larger penis. To be honest, that'd just be gilding the lily. Come on. With targeted advertising, I could double the size of my practice. Wow, a second patient. You're not listening. Once the profits start rolling in, I can move out. Once I grow boobs, I can start dancing the lunch shift at Les Girls, Girls, Girls. I'm serious. This is a chance that could turn my life around. - Did you ask Mom for money? - Seriously? No, I'm just grasping at straws. So, what do you say? Okay, fine. I'll give you 5 grand knowing full well that I'll never see it again, and wishing that it was you. Thank you, Charlie. Thank you so much. You are not gonna regret this. You have $5000 in your sweatpants? I prefer to think of it as three hookers and a Philly cheesesteak. Hang on a sec. Hello? Oh, hey, Rose. Why don't I count it while you talk? He's gone? Well, great. I'll be over in five minutes with bells on. No, no, no, it's just a figure of speech. But Sure, I suppose I could try to find some bells. Okay, I'll see you soon. I gotta run. Her husband's at a meeting. Oh, Charlie, really? The woman's trying to build a new life and you're gonna have an affair? - You want this money or not? - Give her my best. Aw, heh. That was easy money. Hi, Mom. Do you have a minute to hear about an amazing business opportunity? So it isn't really a favor for me as much as it's an opportunity for you. Right. Why don't you just ask your brother for the money? I thought of that, but after all he's done for me I'd feel horrible asking for a loan. And after all I've done for you? I still feel horrible, but you never threaten to smother me in my sleep. Not since you learned to talk, anyway. - How much? - Well, I'm, uh, gonna take out some ads in the PennySaver, and on local radio, probably some circulars. Uh, maybe one of those giant compressed-air guys with the flailing arms, you know? Um, I think I'll need $10,000? - All right. - Although I could make do"All right"? You're my son. I should at least pretend to believe in you. Wow. Uh Thank you. Heh. I'm putting American Cancer Society on the memo line. Just ignore that. No problem. You won't be sorry. You'll get your money back, plus interest. Of course I am. Never doubted it. - That for luck? - No, just kissing it goodbye. What the hell was that? It was the all-clear signal, silly. You couldn't just say "all clear"? All clear. All clear. - Much better. When can I see you again? - I don't know. I'll call you. - How about tonight? - We'll see. Now go. - I love you. - Because you can't have me. No. This is real. How can I prove it to you? Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear for the woman he loved. Think about it. Would you settle for my brother's ear? Bye. Forgot your bells. I almost forgot. I need a hundred bucks. - What for? - SAT prep class. Oh. Oh, sure. Glad to see you're taking the test seriously. If I don't do well, then I can't get into a good college. If I can't get into college, I'll never get into grad school. If I never get into grad school, what kind of future can I look forward to? What's the money really for? Video games and online porn. - You were gonna me give the money? - I had a good week. - Oh, hey, guys. - Hey, Herb. Hey. So how's it going? Oh, you know. Living the dream. Damn it, Herb, how many times have I told you not to use the guest towels? Hey, if I'm gonna sleep in the guest room, I get to use the guest towels! Yeah, I remember that dream. - So how are things with you? - Ah, could not be better. Is that like me living the dream? Oh, no, no, really. I'm, uh, working on a pretty exciting business opportunity. - Oh, no kidding. - Yeah, it's, uh Well, actually, it's something you might No, you know, never mind. So how's the pediatrician game? Like taking money from babies. Come on, tell me. What business opportunity? Well, it's an investment thing, but, uh, Judith would never let you get into it. And the fact that my mother and Charlie are already in would just freak her out. Your mother and brother invested? They didn't do that out of love. - No, they're not fond of you at all. - Mm. Well, anyway, it's good seeing you. Alan, wait. How much are we talking about? Well, uh, my mother and Charlie are each in for I can do that. Hang on, I'll get my checkbook. Oh, and don't tell Judith. The years I wasted actually working for a living. Schmuck. - Hey, Mr. Harper. - Hey, Gordon. How you been? I'm almost 40 years old and I'm delivering you a pizza. Kind of says it all, doesn't it? Pretty much. That'll be 23. 75. Oh, let me get my wallet. Come on in. Hang on a sec. Hello? Oh, hey, baby. I thought you said Manny was at work. I thought this was our time together. All right, fine. Just call me when you can. Damn. Everything okay, Mr. Harper? My date just cancelled. Can't the service send over another girl? Not a girl like this one. This is the girl I plan to spend the rest of my life with. Probably regretting getting the large then, huh? Heh. - Wanna join me? - Do I have to give back the tip? - No, come on in. - Okay. So who's the woman? - Remember Rose? - My Rose? - Your Rose? - Yeah, we dated for a while. No offense, Gordon, but I think she was going out with you to make me jealous. That's the only reason she went out with anybody. I don't know. There was something special between us. She was always getting me love gifts: Cargo shorts bowling shirt, Yeah, I remember Rose. So you guys are going out? I wouldn't exactly call it going out. She's kind of married. Wow. Rose got married. Yep. To some clown named Manny Quinn. Is he really a clown? I have to ask because it's Rose. No, no. He's in the fashion industry or something. Wow. So Rose is married and cheating on her husband with you. - Yep. - God, I love your life. Well, thanks, but it's really not as fun as it looks. - Really? - I'm kidding. Cheers. To me. Hey, Rose. It's Charlie again. I don't know if you got my text. Wanted to tell you I was thinking about you, I can't wait to see you. You know, when you can. Love you. Really. I do. - Hey, Charlie? - Yeah? When did you become a bitch? What? I was just leaving her a message. The girl is married. Leave her alone. I can't. I love her. I need her. Bitch. Oh, hey. Been shopping? - Little bit. - A little bit? Well, you know, uh, a few pairs of socks, a new belt. Couple of Dolce & Gabbana suits, Gucci loafers and a Rolex. Wow. Business must be picking up. Uh, it is. But not enough to pay back your investor. Oh. Oh, no. L I fully intend to pay you back. In fact here is your initial investment, $5000. And here is an additional $1000 in interest. Berta? Are you seeing this? Am I dreaming? You got the Kardashian sisters under the table? - Nope. - Then you're not dreaming. Thank you for your confidence in me. Hey, it's still confidence if I'm figuring you'll fail. I told you advertising would drive in customers, and I was right. - Hang on a sec. - What? Do you think more advertising would drive in more customers? I don't see why not. Of course, the ads would have to reach a larger audience and that would cost, you know, more money. Tell you what. Let it ride. Really? Hey, a 20 percent return in a couple of weeks, come on. In fact, here is another 4. Hold on, I think I have more upstairs. Oh, look in the back of your underwear drawer. I needed underwear. You borrowed your brother's skivvies? That's disgusting. I agree. That's why when I found the money, I took $100 to buy new ones. So listen, can anybody get in on this deal of yours? Excuse me? I'm always looking for smart investments. And I've got some extra cash that's a result of a little hydroponic farming venture in Chino. What are you farming? Alfalfa. What's it to you? I don't know, Berta, I mean You realize there's no guarantees. You'd actually be doing me a favor. My bank asks a lot of questions about my alfalfa earnings. All right, fine. How much do you wanna invest? - Ten grand? - Great. Heh. When can you get it to me? As soon as I come back from the bathroom. Boy, I hope she means it's behind the toilet. - Who is it? - Pizza. Door's open. I'll be right down. Hello. - Gordon? - Rose? - Oh, my gosh, it's been so long. - Yeah. How are you doing? Just great. Got a new shirt with my name on it. Heh. - Lighted sign for the roof of my car. - How nice. - How about you? Heard you got married. - Yes. I'm now Mrs. Manfred Quinn. Wow, congrats. - Thank you. - Yeah. So that will be 23. 75. Let me just get my purse. Mrs. Manfred Quinn. Manny Quinn. Manny Quinn. Holy crap, this is great. It's real, Mom. - You understand my skepticism. - Sure. And this is $12,000? Yep. The 10,000 you gave me plus your profit. I don't know what to say. How about, "I'm proud of you. Well done"? I'm proud of you, Alan. Well done. "I knew you had it in you. Attaboy. " Let's not push it. Okay, well, uh, again, thank you for helping me get my business going. I'll see you. Hold on. Yes? Since you seem to be on a roll what would happen if I didn't take my investment out? And maybe threw in another 8 to make it an even 20,000? Twenty thousand is a lot of money. And as you're aware, all investments carry risk. Darling, if you cut me out, I'll kill you. What can I say? You're in. Alan has one L. Oh. - Hey, Mr. Harper. - Hey, Gordon. - 23. 75? - You got it. I delivered a pizza to Rose the other day. Oh, yeah? Did you meet her husband? You mean Manny? Yeah. I take it you haven't. Well, no. For obvious reasons. - What kind of guy is he? - He's quiet. A little stiff. What did you say he did for a living? He's some important figure in the fashion industry. Right, right. So Manny Quinn. An important figure in the fashion industry. Right. Here's 30, keep the change. Thanks. Manny Quinn, Mr. Harper. Fashion figure. That's what I said. Manny. Quinn. Figure. - Uh-huh. - Manny Quinn. - What the hell is wrong with you? - Nothing. Good night. Good night. He's got the beach house, I'm delivering pizzas. Un-fricking-believable. - How dare you? - Nice to see you too. You go behind my back and talk my husband into giving you some loan? - Herb told you? - Of course. We love each other. And we love each other so much, she went through my checkbook. Not to worry. I am very pleased to announce that your investment has paid off. That's your original $15,000 plus 20 percent interest. - Wow. - You're welcome. - Can I see? - Alan? Wait. Yeah? What if we don't wanna cash out? Whatever do you mean? Reinvest this, and add in six months of your child support. That money's supposed to be for Jake. Oh, don't be so naive. You want it or not? Sure, if you insist. Well, see you. Bye. I'm thinking somebody owes somebody an apology. I'm sorry. Ha-ha-ha. Unbelievable. You ask for money and they just give it to you. And then you take the new money and use it to pay back some of the old money. But they don't want it back. And they give you more. Because they're greedy. Greedy, greedy, greedy. Oh, God, what have I done? Oh, quit your whining. Who said that? Over here. Hi. How you doing? Not so good. Feeling better? This isn't happening. I'm losing my mind. Your mind is fine. What you should be worried about is losing your hair. Now, do yourself a favor and stop with the guilt. How? I'm betraying my friends. I'm betraying my family. Feels good, doesn't it? Yes No. L Well I'm not sure. Come on. You've spent your whole life being a doormat. This is your chance to get what you deserve. What about the guilt? The hell with the guilt. Let's be bad guys. - Bad guys? - It's time for a change, don't you think? Could we grow a mustache? I've always wanted a mustache. We're gonna grow balls. Oh, good. I've always wanted those too. See you. - Where you going? - Out. Out? Yeah, out. Got a problem with that? No. Not at all. All right then.