Mudder's Day

[Setting: The desert. Aladdin, tired and overheated, leads a caravan of camels. Jasmine and the palace guards, also tired and overheated, are with him.]

(Carpet waves his tassel in front of Jasmine and Abu, fanning them.)

Jasmine: Thank you, Carpet. I feel like a piece of toast!

Fazal: Mmm, oh yes, me too! With lots of date jam!

Jasmine: Oh, how can you think of food when we're baking to death?

Rasoul: Princess, when Fazal is not thinking of food, it'll be time to bury him.

(Fazal folds his arms, offended)

(Aladdin pulls Genie's lamp from his vest)

Aladdin: (Quietly) Genie, where are we? We should have reached the oasis hours ago.

(Genie exits his lamp, dressed as a gold miner)

Genie: Ar, crikey! (Spits) We're in the tail end of the middle of nowhere. What idiot trail boss is leadin' this outfit?

Aladdin: Me. The Sultan puts me in charge of a trading caravan and I get us all hopelessly lost!

Genie: Aw, come on, Al, it's not that bad! (As a light bulb) Look at the bright side! There's uh… (back to normal) OK, maybe it is that bad.

Iago: Water!

(Iago flies in)

Iago: Water!

(Iago crashes into Aladdin's chest)

Aladdin: I'm sorry, Iago. We're all thirsty.

Iago: No, I mean, I found water!

Guards: Water?!

Abu: Water?!

Jasmine: Did you say… water?

Iago: Read my beak. Water. An oasis full of the stuff! Limpid pools, fountains as big as a palace, water!

Aladdin: Uh… of course! The oasis! Right where I knew it would be!

Iago: What'ya mean, you? I found the w— (Genie wraps his tail around Iago's beak, muzzling him)

Rasoul: (Holds out his sword) For your sake, street rat, you had better be right.

(Aladdin laughs nervously)

[Setting: Outside the Oasis. The group looks on, astonished.]

Aladdin: I don't believe it.

Jasmine: It's beautiful!

(There are large fountains, waterfalls, grasses, and assorted wild animals)

Abu: Oooh! (He sees bananas and runs to them)

Rasoul: It's magnificent!

Fazal: It's wonderful!

Hakim: (Smiling) It's a mirage!

Aladdin: Well, it does seem almost too good to be true…

(Aladdin leads the group into the Oasis

Iago: Oh, great, the poster child for positive thinking.

[Setting: The Oasis, sometime later.]

(Fazal lounges in a pool of water)

Fazal: Is this not wonderful, Hakim?

(Hakim sits on a rock nearby. He is obviously enjoying himself)

Hakim: (Monotone) I have never been so happy. (Nearby, Aladdin and Genie study a map)

Aladdin: I just don't get it. This oasis must be on here somewhere.

(Genie turns into a safari explorer and shrinks to walk on the map)

Genie: (With a British accent) Well, old man, what say we have a look around! I say, who put these— (trips over a gridline). Rum luck, that. Well, I'll just— (falls into a lake)

Aladdin: So, where are we?

Genie: I believe I can say, without fear of contradiction… (a cloud appears in front of him) …that I haven't the foggiest!

(Jasmine enters)

Jasmine: Aladdin! I found the most gorgeous pool!

Aladdin: But I've got to figure out where we—

Jasmine: Oh, there's time for that later. Come on!

(She drags him away)

[Setting: Oasis, later. Aladdin and Jasmine are at the beautiful pool]

Aladdin: Wow!

Jasmine: Oh, isn't it lovely? Let's go for a swim!

Aladdin: But… why isn't it on the map? You'd think a place like this would be famous! We shouldn't go leaping in.

(Genie runs in, carrying a large umbrella. Abu follows)

Genie: Last one in is a monkey's uncle!

Abu: Hey!

Genie: Sorry.

(Genie sets up the umbrella. It turns into a whole beach relaxation setup. Genie then takes Abu's paw and they dive into the pool. Genie resurfaces as a dolphin, with Abu on his back. They perform some tricks)

Abu: Ta-da!

Jasmine: (Giggles) Bravo!

Aladdin: Show offs. Heh, heh!

(Carpet leaps into the water and jets around. He comes close to Genie, who's floating with Abu on his stomach. Genie turns into a submarine)

Genie: Dive, dive!

(Carpet speeds past Aladdin and Jasmine, splashing them. Jasmine giggles.)

Jasmine: (Grabbing Aladdin's arm) Come with me, Aladdin, it looks wonderful!

Aladdin: No, no, no, really, I have to figure out where we are!

(Jasmine pulls him into the pool)

(Nearby, Iago bathes himself in a waterfall)

Iago: Hey, has anyone seen my shower cap?

(Carpet emerges from the water. He "shakes off," then lies down on the beach.)

(In the pool, Jasmine splashes Aladdin).

Aladdin: Hey, I'm supposed to be the leader here.

Jasmine: Well, even leaders can have a little fun!

(Below Aladdin and Jasmine, a mud creature rises up from lake bottom. It walks over to a plug and pulls it; the pool begins to drain, forming a whirlpool. The mud creature jumps down the revealed hole)

Jasmine: Uh, Aladdin! Uh…

Aladdin: I know… uh, out of the water!

(The two start to swim, but get trapped in the whirlpool. Abu, who uses Genie as a raft, notices this and starts jumping up and down, chattering wildly.)

Genie: Ah, a little lower! And to the left!

(Abu grabs Genie's head and points him in the right direction)

Aladdin: Genie, fly us outta here! Giant bird!

Genie: You betcha, little buddy!

(He turns into an ostrich. Unable to fly, he and Abu fall into the whirlpool.) (Iago is on the beach, drying himself with a towel. He turns around and sees the situation in the pool; he screams.)

Iago: Oooh, I don't need pressure like this! Oy, I'm gettin' an ulcer already, I can feel it!

(Iago flies toward the gang.) (Iago and Carpet try to pull Jasmine out of the whirlpool. The force is too strong: Jasmine pulls Iago down with her. Carpet is thrown into a palm tree. The pool is drained; the gang is gone. Carpet flies over and digs in the sand for them, without success. )

(Nearby, the guards stand amidst sand dunes. The ground shakes)

Rasoul: The earth!

(All of the oasis is sucked into the sand.)

Rasoul: (Looking around) The princess. The princess! Find her, you cowards!

Fazal: But-but where shall we look? Everything is gone!

Rasoul: I don't care. (Pulls out his sword) Find her or I'll have your heads!

(They run off)

Rasoul: … and the Sultan will have mine.

[Setting: Underground. The gang lands in a pile of mud.]

(Iago surfaces, splattering Abu with more mud)

Abu: Hey!

Iago: Oh, fine. I'm SO glad I showered first!

(Abu throws mud at him)

Iago: Hey!

(Abu laughs; Iago throws mud at him)

Abu: Hey!

(The two continue their mud fight)

Jasmine: Where are we?

(Genie, still an ostrich, unzips; his normal form steps out of the "costume")

Genie: Lucky I brought a change!

Iago: (To Aladdin) Great leader. Say, was that trap obvious enough for you, or would you want them to put a sign up next time?

Aladdin: What, me?! You were the one that found this place!

Iago: You know, whoever made you boss of this caravan had his turban wrapped much to tightly—

(Jasmine grabs him)

Jasmine: My father put Aladdin charge. You remember my father… the Sultan?

Iago: The Sultan… (laughs awkwardly) … great guy. Throws a terrific execution! How's his lumbago doing?

(The group starts to explore)

Aladdin: What is this place, Genie?

Genie: (Turns into a scholar) The mud motif is common among the primitive elemental spirits dwelling deep within the bowels of the earth. These spirits, known as the Al-Muddi are very fond of humans.

Jasmine: Oh, that's a relief!

Genie: … as a late afternoon snack! For visual reference, I direct your attention to the rear.

(Two large Al-Muddi emerge from the mud. The gang gasps, then starts to run)

Aladdin: Hurry!

[Setting: Above ground. The guards enter, panting]

Fazal: We've looked everywhere, Rasoul. The princess is gone!

Rasoul: Then we will remain here and wait for her to return.

Hakim: And what if she never comes back?

Rasoul: Then it is best that we never come back.

[Setting: Underground. The gang has paused]

Genie: Fear not! These muddy marauders are no match for— (Genie runs up to the Al-Muddi. He turns and runs off; they follow him. Genie leads them around a large platform, where the gang waits with boulders)

Aladdin: Now!

(They push the boulders off the cliff, flattening the Al-Muddi. The gang climbs down)

Aladdin: Well, that takes care of them!

Genie: Uh, don't be too sure…

(The Al-Muddi slide from underneath the boulders and reform, larger. The gang runs)

Aladdin: Genie, we gotta fly! Try it again… but not an ostrich!

Genie: Don't sweat it, I'm not stupid!

(He turns into a penguin)

Genie: … a little bottom heavy, but not stupid!

Aladdin: At least, try something that runs!

(Genie turns into a nose and appears in Aladdin's hand)

Genie: How's this?

(Aladdin tries to run, but is grabbed by an Al-Muddi.)

Aladdin: Iago, catch!

(He throws the "nose" to Iago)

Iago: Eww, yuck! And me without a hanky.

(Jasmine picks up a torch and waves it at the Al-Muddi.)

Jasmine: Let him go, you mud pie!

(The monster drops Aladdin)

Jasmine: It works! They're afraid of fire!

(The monster takes the torch and blows it out)

Jasmine: …then again…

(They run)

Iago: I like to pick my friends, but this is too weird. Heads up, princess!

(Iago tosses the "nose" to Jasmine)

Jasmine: (to Genie) We need something with legs!

Genie: Sorry. Ok, right! Legs, legs… oh, coming up!

(Genie turns into a table)

Jasmine: Genie!

Aladdin: Legs that move.

(Genie, still a table, runs underneath the gang and picks them up)

Jasmine: … well, whatever works!

Aladdin: The Al-Muddi can't keep up! (The Al-Muddi merge into a centaur)

Aladdin: Uh oh.

(The centaur leaps over the "table" and blocks their passage)

Genie: I—I can't stop!

Aladdin: Genie, do something!

Genie: Hang on!

(Genie turns into a bobsled. The ground slide underneath the centaur's legs and down a hill.)

Jasmine: We got away!

Genie: Hey, hey, not bad, huh?

(The bobsled reaches the end of the cliff)

Iago: … not what I'd call good, either.

(They fall)

Aladdin and Jasmine: Genie!

Genie: Uh, giant bird?

Jasmine: One that flies well!

(Genie turns into a roast chicken. They continue to plummet)

(Genie sprouts a parachute)

Genie: I thought you said fries well! I mean, flies well, fries well! Anybody could make a mistake like that… heh heh.

[Setting: Underground, later. The gang walks along the path to a giant castle]

Jasmine: It's as bright as day down here! The stones shiny like tiny suns!

Iago: We're all gonna die and she's waxin' poetic.

Aladdin: We are not going to die. I'll… get us out of this yet.

Iago: Oh, how reassuring. I think I'll write my will I'm so reassured.

Aladdin: We're gonna march straight in, find whoever runs this place, and demand to be returned to the surface!

Genie: (As the Godfather) We'll make him an offer he can't refuse.

Jasmine: I see. And if he does refuse?

Aladdin: Then we go down fighting!

Iago: There's that we business again…

(Abu grabs Iago and the group continues down the path)

(Sometime later, they approach the castle door)

Genie: Whoever owns this place, he's gotta BIG door.

Aladdin: Just ring the gong, Genie.

Genie: Can do!

(Genie pulls out a tiny mallet and hits the gong, hard. The gang covers their ears)

Aladdin: Did you have to hit it so hard?

Genie: (Yelling) What?! I can't hear you! I think I hit it too hard!

[Setting: Inside the castle. The giant Sultan of the Al-Muddi rises out of a bathtub]

Sultan: Oh, bother. It never fails. Just when you settle in for a nice hot mud bath, the door gong rings. And on the butler's day off, too.

(He opens the front door)

Sultan: What do you want?

Aladdin: Uh, nothing….

(The gang runs. Several Al-Muddi rise up, blocking their path)

Sultan: Well? What is it?

Iago: (To Aladdin) Well, go on, leader man.

Aladdin: Uh well, I-I-, we were just… (to Genie) Genie, a little help?

Genie: We were just commenting that— (turns into a housewife)— this little old place could use a woman's touch. Really, don't you think things here are just a squitch untidy?

(Genie transforms the gang into cleaners and himself into a salesman)

Genie: Lucky for you, we're the Genie-way distributors for the greater subterranean area! This week, we are featuring a complete line of cleaning impertinences! Our brushes get rid of mud, muck, slop, glop, ooze, slide, crud, guck, and turbidity. And just look at the power of the Genieway Mini-Vac! Hygiene is just a foreign concept to you, isn’t it? (Genie uses the vacuum to suck up one of the Al-Muddi, then indicates for the gang to escape.) Tell you what, we'll just pop out to our van for a complete catalogue. (The others run) We'll have your mud problem wiped away in no time.

(The Sultan picks Genie up with one hand, the gang with the other)

Sultan: Nobody wipes up my mud.

Genie: Wouldn't dream of it.

Sultan: You must be new around here. Oh, of course! You're from the oasis trap! Come in, come in. (He enters the castle) You see, I'm a bit of a gourmet and every now and then, I like to have a few people over… for dinner.

Genie: (Gulps) I don't suppose you'd go for a nice salad instead?

[Setting: Inside the castle. The Sultan is cooking over the stove. He uses palm trees as garnish]

Sultan: Oh, excellent! Delicately seasoned, yet provocative.

(The gang, minus Genie, is trapped inside a jar)

Iago: A few short hours ago, I was only dying of thirst. But now, Wolfgang Muck over there is gonna boil me into soup! (He flies to Aladdin) Thank you so much. (Abu grabs Iago)

Aladdin: Genie, are you sure you can't get outta there?

(Genie is nearby, trapped inside a tiny bottle)

Genie: Trust me, it's a Genie thing.

Aladdin: How am I gonna get us outta here without Genie? (He sinks to the floor, then sighs) Guess I am a lousy leader.

Iago: Hear that? That's the sound of no one disagreeing with you. (Abu uses his fez to quiet Iago and shoves him across the jar.)

(Jasmine pauses, unsure of what to say. She approaches Aladdin)

Jasmine: Aladdin, you're a great leader. I know you can get us out. (Smiling) A street rat can get out of anything!

(Aladdin smiles and stands up)

Aladdin: Well, I guess I do have a trick or two left!

(The Sultan picks up the bottle and opens it. He dumps Aladdin into his hand)

Aladdin: Wait, wait!

Sultan: Oh, you're not going to beg, are you? I hate begging. 'Don't eat me! Oh, don't cook me!' I swear, all you people talk about is yourselves.

(The Sultan is about to put Aladdin in a pot of soup)

Aladdin: But, I'm not begging! It's an honor to be consumed by such a great personage as yourself.

Sultan: Flattery? Oh, that's novel. Stick to begging.

Aladdin: It's just a shame your soup has to be second rate.

Sultan: My soup is fit for kings!

Aladdin: Well… kings who've never tasted matamata spice, perhaps.

(The Sultan sets Aladdin on the counter)

Sultan: …Matamata spice?

Aladdin: Y-yes! Very rare, but very delicious. It is said that when the Sultan of Calamari first tasted matamata spice, he bestowed half his kingdom upon his cook.

(The Sultan grins)

Aladdin: But, sadly, it only grows on the surface… I've got it! Return us to the surface, we'll bring you back all you can use.

(The Sultan considers this)

Genie: (Bouncing up and down) Please, please, please, please, please, please, please!

Sultan: … I shall let you go.

Genie: Yes! (His bottle falls over) Ow!

(The Sultan pokes Aladdin, knocking him over)

Sultan: You go, they stay. They didn't make me Sultan just cause I'm the tallest, you know. (He throws a skewer at Aladdin, barely missing) And I can always change the recipe to shish kabob.

(Aladdin goes to the bottle)

Aladdin: Jasmine, I can't!

Jasmine: Go, Aladdin.

Sultan: Well, little man, what's it going to be?

(Aladdin looks to Abu, who chatters sadly. Jasmine comforts him)

Jasmine: Go.

(Aladdin turns away)

Genie: Don't take any wooden drachma!

Iago: Oh, so he gets to leave! Yeah, life is fair.

(The Sultan picks up Aladdin)

Aladdin: Hey, what're you doing?

(The Sultan covers Aladdin with mud)

Sultan: Helping you on your way, of course.

Iago: Looks like the kid's gonna come out of this with a great complexion.

Jasmine: If he comes out of it!

Aladdin: But how will I get to the surface? You closed up the entrance!

Sultan: Then I shall just have to reopen it. Deep breath now.

(Aladdin takes a deep breath; the Sultan covers his face with mud, then opens a window.)

Sultan: Easy out.

(The Sultan throws Aladdin out of the window. He lands on a nearby cliff and surfaces from the mud, coughing.)

(The Sultan continues to make his soup)

Sultan: Surface dwellers are so demanding. Next they'll be wanting me to roll out of the carpet for him!

[Setting: the surface. Carpet waits by the sealed entrance, shaking. The ground vibrates and the passage into the earth reopens. Carpet enters.]

[Setting: underground. Aladdin climbs up a castle spire]

Aladdin: Ok, he outweighs me by a few tons, but I've got the advantage of— (an Al-Muddi grabs Aladdin's leg and holds him upside down). Let go of me, you slime ball! (Aladdin looks down) No wait, don't let go!

(He lets go. Aladdin plummets to the ground; Carpet catches him)

Aladdin: Way to go, Carpet! Let's go collect some passengers!

(The Sultan looks out of his window)

Sultan: Oh, this is taking much too long. Perhaps a nice, refreshing, frosty snack while I'm waiting? (He pulls an igloo out of the freezer and looks inside) Oh, drat. I do so hate when someone puts the container back empty. I can't wait any longer; hunger makes me so terribly cranky!

(He opens the jar containing Jasmine, Iago, and Abu)

Iago: Ok, everyone who can fly, make a break for it!

(Aladdin flies in the window)

Sultan: What?

Aladdin: There's been a change of menus, Sludgy!

(The Sultan slams the jar lid shut, hitting Iago in the head.)

Iago: Ow! That hurt.

(The Sultan puts the jar down on its side, then tries to hit Aladdin)

Sultan: This is what I get for not putting screens on the windows! Next week, I start aerial spraying.

(Jasmine, Abu, and Iago try to free themselves from the jar)

Jasmine: Hurry! It's giving!

Iago: Hey, your elbow's in my eye!

(The jar opens. The three exit; Jasmine picks up Genie's bottle)

Jasmine: Aladdin, down here!

(Carpet flies to the table and picks up the rest of the gang. He takes off)

Aladdin: Go, go!

(The Sultan tries to hit them; he fails)

Sultan: Get back here, you little croutons!

(Carpet exits the Sultan's castle. The Sultan, now a giant, worm-like mud monster, follows) Aladdin: Faster, Carpet, he's gaining!

(The Sultan, growing bigger as he slides around the passageways, follows the gang out of the underground. Carpet emerges before the guards)

Aladdin: On your camels! Run, hurry!

Rasoul: You heard him!

(Rasoul, Hakim, and Nahbi run. Fazal steps toward the open pit and looks in)

Fazal: What is it? Is it bad?

(The Sultan, now extremely large, emerges)

Rasoul: … it's bad.

(Aladdin looks toward the sun)

Aladdin: It's gotta work!

(He rolls off of Carpet and onto the sand)

Jasmine: What are you doing?

Aladdin: I've got an idea. Trust me!

(The Sultan is about to step on Fazal)

Aladdin: Hey, over here! I'm the one who spoiled your soup!

(The Sultan turns)

Sultan: You're shish kabob, boy!

(Aladdin runs in the opposite direction. The Sultan follows)

(Aladdin rolls and cowers in the sand. The Sultan, standing directly before the sun, rears to attack)

Sultan: Eat mud, little man.

(The Sultan's fist hardens. Aladdin smiles)

Jasmine: He's… drying out?

Aladdin: It's the sun. He's never been in this kind of heat before.

(The Sultan hardens and breaks into many pieces, covering Aladdin. Rasoul frees Aladdin from the rubble)

Rasoul: I was wrong. The Sultan put the right man in charge.

Jasmine: Was there ever a doubt?

Iago: Yeah, I hate to say it, but… I guess you're a pretty good leader after all.

(Aladdin covers Iago with his fez: Iago falls to the ground)

Aladdin: Hear that? That's the sound of no one disagreeing with you!

(On the ground, Iago tries to free his head from the fez)

Iago: Hey, what… hey, get me out of here! I can't breathe! Hey, wait! Wait! Hey! Ah! Where is everybody?!

(Aladdin and Jasmine kiss)