Smelly Glen

1 [BIRDS CHIRPING, SCHOOL BELL RINGS.] Ia-la-la-la-la Hey, what's up, buddy? Oh, hey, Tommy. - Hi, Sheriff. - Whoa! Morning, Miss Dorothy! La-la-la-la - Aah! - Hello, Sheriff! Mrs. Kathimplewater! Here to finally confess to stealing my sandwich? Ugh! For the last time, I didn't steal your sandwich. It's been so long since the third grade. Let it go. Well, if you're not here to admit to stealing my sandwich, then why are you here? To teach the kids about the dangers of bullying. - Huh? - Look, Sheriff! - I'm a piÃ±ata! - Oh, cool! I love piÃ±atas! [LAUGHTER.] Ow! Ride around town Stealin' and killin' is how I get down What? Well, you better be aware, son 'Cause momma named me Sheriff Momma Now you got it Momma And don't forget it Oh, no, I better go M-o-m-m-a Momma named me Sheriff, momma named me Sheriff And remember, kids, think of B. O. N. E. R. S Bullying others never ends right, see? [COUGHS.] Oh, and another thing is, the best way to not be bullied is to bully yourself first. Hey, let's give Sheriff a wedgie! - Nuh-unh-unh. - Aw! Works every time. [CHUCKLES.] Okay, thanks. - Hi! - Aah! Interesting speech, Sheriff. Thanks, guy. Have a good day, now. Whee! Oh! When I heard you were giving an anti-bullying speech, I had to see it to believe it, since, as you know, you were once a bully. A bully? Me? You don't remember me, do you? Glen? Uh, Smelly Glen? Smelly Glen! Of course I remember you. You're Smelly Glen! Wow! Yeah, y-you gave me that name, Sheriff! And then Carl and Bojenkins joined in. Smelly Glen, Smelly Glen Oh, no! I was a bully? Oh, I feel horrible. Sorry, Smelly Glen I-I mean Glen. Oh, it's fine, it's fine. Calling me Smelly Glen only changed my life forever, - but it's fine. - Tell ya what. How about we go find Carl and Mr. Bojenkins and make things right again, Smelly Glen? I mean Glen. I mean Smelly Glen. Yeah. Sorry, I meant to say Smelly Glen. - Sorry, Glen. - Yeah, sorry, Glen. No, it's fine. It's fine. So, where you been, Glen? After that day you all called me Smelly Glen, I never did come back to school. I know what that's like. I got married in the second grade, moved to France for eight years, got a divorce, then came back and went through the rest of school with y'all. So, that's why you always seemed older than us. So what else brings you to town, Smelly Glen I mean Glen? Ah, just here to dig up the past and put some things to rest Forever. [LAUGHS.] Ow! Quit messing with the light switch, stupid. Well, sorry we bullied you, Smelly Glen I mean Glen. But you sure missed out. The third grade was the best year of our lives! Right, guys? No. I guess. Hey, how about we make it up to Smelly Glen I mean Glen And show him all the fun things we did in the third grade? - Uh, I don't know, Sheriff. - No. Oh, come on. - TOGETHER: Uhh. - Come on. Everybody, come inside. Look! - Wait up. - This is very exciting. This place hasn't changed a bit. And look, our old box of stuff is still here. Look at this old picture of Mrs. Kathimplewater. Damn, she was hot back then. [LAUGHS.] Can you believe she still thinks I stole her sandwich from the third grade? [CHUCKLES.] She's crazy, man. Oh, look, Carl. Your old apple juice. Check this out, Glen. - [SLURPS.] - Ha-ha! - Whoa! Whoa! - Whoa! Whoa! Yeah! - You still got it. - Boo-yah. - Huh? - Ow! I never could get the hang of this thing. Fire in the pee-pee hole! [LAUGHS.] - Yeah. - [LAUGHS.] You were right, Sheriff. I forgot how fun the third grade was. - Right, Glen? - Ow. Oh, sorry, Smelly Glen. I mean Smelly Glen. I meant to say Smelly Glen. Well, this is fun and all, but there's something I really wanna do now. Now, let's take a walk in the woods so I can show you. [LAUGHS EVILLY.] Uh, it's getting late, Glen. Yeah, I'm scared. Aw, come on. [GRUNTS.] Just a little further. - Whoa! - Oh! We're here. - Oh, no! - Now, start digging. I'm gonna turn back now. Oh, it sure is hot out here. Here, hold these, Smelly Glen I mean Glen. I'm nervous. Oh, boy, I can't wait to find out what we're digging for. Huh? Come on, Glen. Why you doing this, man? It all started in the third grade. We were playing four square when you guys called me Smelly Glen. - Hey, you're smelly today, Glen. - What? Smelly Glen, Smelly Glen It was heartbreaking but even more so for my parents. They were so ashamed their only child was nicknamed Smelly Glen that they killed each other. [CRYING.] After that, I was put into one foster family after another A family of inbreds, religious fanatics, and robots. Robo-dad was always touching me. Remember, this is our secret. So, I ran away, joined the army, and was sent to war. One day, a grenade landed near our trench. I heroically dove on it. Thank god it was a dud. My platoon stood up to cheer, but they were mowed down and died, and that's the end of the story Is what I told my new family. I kept that grenade as a reminder that things could always get worse. And they did, the day it exploded and killed my whole family and sent me flying over the ocean, where I landed inside a whale's butthole and lived for 10 years. Anyway, now I'm here to do what I've wanted to do this whole time. - [LAUGHS EVILLY.] - Sheriff: Ah. What the A four square ball? So, you're not gonna kill us? What? No. After you all called me "Smelly Glen," I buried our four square ball so you guys could never play again. But what's wrong must be righted. So, there it is. Well, good seeing you guys. Bye, I guess. - Aw. - Hey, wait. Yeah, I'll play four square! Oh, I just needed my gun back. But I guess we could play a game. [LAUGHTER.] Yeah! Well, come on, guys. Let's go play some four square! Sheriff, here to finally confess to stealing my sandwich? Uhh! Let it go! Who cares?! I care! It was special! A garlic, mayo, and toenail sandwich! - Ew! - Ugh! My husband, George, made that sandwich the day he died. You took all I had left of him! I didn't take your freaking sandwich! He's right. I took it. TOGETHER: What?! Sorry about that. So, that's why you smelled that day, Smelly Glen I mean Glen. You ought to call him "Dead Glen. " But he's alive. That doesn't make any sense. It will after I kill him! - Ha! - Ah! [GUNSHOT.] What? Aah! [BOTH SCREAMING.] [LAUGHS EVILLY.] Guys, we got to get Smelly Glen I mean Glen out of here. This way. [GUNSHOT.] - Aah! - Aah! Come on. In here. I'm coming for you, Dead Glen! [GUNSHOT.] [LAUGHS EVILLY.] - Damn! - Ah, ah! - Uhh. - Oh, no. This one's for George! [GUNSHOT.] [GRUNTS.] Not so fast! - Ha! - Ow! Whoa! Huh? What the hell was that? [LAUGHS EVILLY.] [GUNSHOT.] [ALL SCREAMING.] Yeah. [Glen CRYING.] Here, this should stop the bleeding. Ow! Mm, salt and vinegar. Aah! Die, Dead Glen. Oh! [SLURPS.] Way to go, Carl! Yeah! Aah! Ha! [SCREAMING.] Oh, damn it. Come on, this way. Come out, come out wherever you are, Dead Glen. Huh? [DOOR CREAKS, KNOCK ON DOOR.] Yes? May I help you? Class dismissed, bitch! No! [GRUNTS.] Wow! [SIGHS.] TOGETHER: Aah! Ah! Die, Glen! Aah! All right, almost out of here, Smelly Glen. I mean smelly I mean Glen Ah, why can't I get it right? - [LAUGHS EVILLY.] - Ah! There's no escape, Dead Glen. - Hey! - Huh? It's not nice to call people names. That's called bullying. His name isn't dead Glen. It's Smelly No! It's I mean, it's just Glen. - Huh? - Hey, I said it right. Dead Glen, Dead Glen Oh. Glen, man, I'm sorry for everything, dude. I can't believe you had such a horrible life all because we called you sme well, you know. Man, you really had to live in a whale's butthole? Oh, it's fine, it's fine. Because when I was in that whale's butthole, I found a briefcase full of money, so now I'm rich. - Wow. - Whoa! - Uh, sorry. - Wait, the sandwich. Huh? I only took one bite of it and put it under here. [GASPS.] Oh. - Uh, here you go. - My sandwich! Oh, it's like I'm with my George again. Kiss me, George. Sheriff: Oh, geez! - [GRUNTING.] - Oh, come on. Wait! This isn't a garlic, mayo, and toenail sandwich! It's just ham and cheese! - Uh-oh. - Uh, wrong sandwich, I guess. Huh! Die! [CHAINSAW REVS.] [ALL SCREAM.] [GRUNTS.] oh. [CRACK!.] ah. - [SCREAMS.] - Sheriff? Oh, hey, Goodman. What's up? What is going on here? Ah, just showing Glen here what he missed in the third grade. Best day of my life! Hey! Leave Tommy alone! Ah, don't worry about it, Goodman. Tommy might wind up in a whale's butthole and be rich someday. - Huh? - Now, come on, guys! Let's go play some four square! Shouldn't we take care of that dead body? Oh, you're such a goody-goody, Goodman. - What? - Goody-goody Goodman - Come on. - TOGETHER: Goody-goody Goodman Goody-goody Goodman Goody-goody Goodman M-o-a-m-m-a Momma named me Sheriff, momma named me Sheriff M-momma, momma, momma named me Sheriff M-momma, momma, momma, momma named me Sheriff Momma, she named me Sheriff