The Girls in the Band

''[Caitlin and Jen are walking down the hall, listening to a band on headphones. The rest of the gang follows.]'' Jonesy: [checking the want ads] "Been fired from there, been fired from there–ooh, not even allowed to shop in there. These want ads suck." Nikki: "You might as well face the truth, Jonesy. You're unemployable." Jonesy: "So how am I supposed to pay for that hockey trip next month? I'm seriously low on cash." Wyatt: "No, we're seriously low on cash! If I had a dime for every dollar you owed me, I'd have, like–" [trying to get the number] "Well I'd need a calculator, but you owe me a lot, man!" Jude: "Count me in for some of that action too, bro." Nikki: "I get first dibs." Jude: "Why?" Nikki: "Um...ladies first?" Jude: "Oh, right." Jen and Caitlin: [singing along] "I'm watching you dance/It's my only chance/For a taste of your lips/My hands on your hips" [The guys look visibly irritated.] "Till the day you say yes to me/You'll always be/My fantasy" Jude: "Oh, those lyrics!" Nikki: "Oh no. Sounds like a stalker wrote it." Wyatt: "Promise me you'll disinfect that before you give it back?" Caitlin: "What?" Wyatt: "How can you listen to that?" Caitlin: "Dawgtoy's the boss, Wyatt!" [They stop by the escalator, and she starts dancing.] Jen: "And you have to admit, they're like the hottest guys on the planet!" Nikki: "Uh, no, we don't." Pokey the Panda: "Okay kids, watch this!" [Caitlin's bad dancing shoves him over the rail, and he falls down the escalator.] Pokey the Panda: "Ah! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh Eee Ah! Ow Ooh Ah Eee Ooh Ow Ow Ow!" [The panda lands in a crumpled heap at the bottom.] Jonesy: "That was awesome!" Caitlin: "I can't believe I just did that!" Nikki: [unable to believe it herself] "You took out Pokey the Panda." Caitlin: [calling down] "Sorry."

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is The Girls in the Band''

[Ron pulls up to the downed panda and marks off the area with police tape.] Ron: "Keep moving, people. That's it. Nothing to see here. Thank you." Caitlin: [watching] "Oh I feel terrible! What did Pokey ever do to deserve this?" Jen: "He'll be okay, Caitlin." Jonesy: "I'm just glad I won't have to see his ugly mug around the mall for a while." Caitlin: "Don't say that!" Jude: "I'm with you, bro. That bear kinda freaks me out." Jen: "What're you talking about?" Jude: "Well how do you know who's really beneath that fluffy cute-looking costume? It could be a mass murderer. Or, like, my dad. Spying on me. Or maybe even one of our friends in deep cover!" [counting them] "One, two, three, four, five...six! Whew! It's not one of us!" Wyatt: "Wait a minute! Caitlin, you're a genius!" Caitlin: [clapping] "Thanks!" [She stops.] "What did I do?" Wyatt: "You just created a job for Jonesy! Guys, I'd like you to meet the Galleria Mall's newest Pokey the Panda!" [His friends cheer.] Jonesy: "Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! I may be desperate, but I do have some pride." Wyatt: "Then you can kiss your hockey trip goodbye, because your account at Wyatt's Savings and Loans is now closed." Jonesy: [clutching his forehead] "Oh, man!"

''[At the Khaki Barn, everyone is hard at work. Nikki leans against a changing room door.]'' Nikki: "I found you a size 6. I can't believe you actually like the clothes here." Caitlin: "A good shopper can find something to buy in any store." Nikki: "This dress is so boring I'm falling asleep just looking at it." Caitlin: "Hand it over." Nikki: [giving it] "At least let me tear you a new hem." [Kirsten comes up to Nikki.] Kirsten: "Gee, Nikki. Zero sales today and counting. What's your secret?" Nikki: "Beat it, or I'll announce that you get your lip wax at Frizzy Lizzy's." ''[Kirsten gasps and runs off. Inside the stall, Caitlin is trying to get the dress on when her phone rings.]'' Caitlin: "Hello?" Jen: "Hi!" Caitlin: "Hey! What's up?" Jen: "You are not going to believe this. Guess who's coming to our mall?!?" Caitlin: "Dawgtoy?!? Here? EEEEEE!!!" Jen: "They're doing a CD release party and taping a live video! Here!" Caitlin: "No! This weekend? AAAAH!" [She bursts out of the dressing room, tossing the dress to Nikki.] "Thanks!" Nikki: "Don't tell me. Dawgtoy's coming?" Caitlin: [racing back to Nikki] "How did you know?" [into the phone] "I am so there. Later!" [She hangs up.] "They're casting one lucky girl to dance onstage with the group!" Nikki: "Sorry, am I supposed to get all, like, dizzy over four no-talent adolescent one-hit wonders?" Caitlin: "Yes!" [thinking] "New plan. We need Dawgtoy audition gear–" [gasping] "You have to audition too!" Nikki: "Not in this lifetime." Caitlin: [falling over] "Ow."

''[Jude is at the table, drinking a soda. Jen comes up to Caitlin.]'' Caitlin: "Did you get it?" Jen: "You mean, this?" [She unrolls a Dawgtoy poster.] Caitlin and Jen: "EEEEEEEE!!!" [Jude covers his ears, pained.] Jen: "AAAH! They are so cute it's sickening!" Caitlin: "Oh I know! Help me put it up." Caitlin and Jen: "EEEEEEEE!!!" Nikki: "If anyone asks, I don't know you two." [Pokey arrives.] "Hey furrybutt, what's shaking?" [Pokey chuckles.] Stanley: "Pokey, can I have a piggyback ride?" Pokey: "Now what did Pokey just say?" Stanley: "Coffee breaks are Pokey's alone time." Pokey: [patting Stanley's head] "Ten points, kiddo." [He takes a seat in Jonesy's chair.] Jude: "Yeah, you've got little panda groupies and everything." [The kids chuckle.] Pokey: "Scram!" [The three panda groupies cry and run off.] Nikki: "Yeah, he's a real natural!" [A little girl comes back and kicks Pokey in the shin.] Pokey: "Ouch! This blows. I look like a dork!" Nikki: "Actually, I think it's an improvement. Hey, can you see out of that thing?" Jonesy: "Barely! This is the worst job I've ever had. And this costume smells worse than a locker room." Nikki: [sniffing him] "Whew! Oh, you're right. You reek." Wyatt: "Oh, come on, this can't be worse than when you were a Mountain Maid at Lederhosen Larry's." Jonesy: "Way worse man." Jude: "Oh holy underpants, what are these!" [He reaches into Jen's bag and pulls out a pair of underwear.] Jen: "The official Dawgtoy Jason boy-cut briefs." Jude: "Yuck." Caitlin: "Do you have just the Jason ones, or the whole Day of the Week set?" Jen: "The whole week." Caitlin: [gleeful] "I hate you! I only have John." Wyatt: "Okay, you guys have gotta chill on the Dawgtoy thing!" Jonesy: "Yeah, they stink!" Nikki: "Ironic, coming from you." Jen: "You guys are just jealous of Jason's awesome abs." Caitlin: "Yeah, and John's gorgeous arms. Drumming is just as good as weightlifting for your biceps." Jen: "You ready for the audition?" Caitlin: "Oh I am so ready! Check out these killer dance moves!" [She throws off her uniform and begins dancing poorly.] Nikki: [quietly] "Is anyone gonna tell her she can't dance?" Jonesy: "Just keep her away from me. I don't want to be the next panda on a stretcher." Caitlin: [finishing] "So what do you think?" Wyatt: "There are no words to describe how bad that was." Caitlin: [disappointed] "Oh." Jen: "Don't worry Cait, with a little more practice you'll be great!" Caitlin: "You have a great chance too, Jen!" Jen: "I hope so. I have had a mad crush on Jason since ninth grade. I might get to meet him in person!" Caitlin and Jen: "AAAAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!" Nikki: "Oh MAAAAAAAAIIII!!!" [She looks at them, disgusted.] Jen: "Hey! You should audition with us, Nikki! You've got a great look." Nikki: "Uh, I'd rather watch Pokey here hit rock bottom." Wyatt: "Ah, a woman with taste." Jude: "Yeah, I was beginning to think every chick in the planet was into Dawgtoy." Nikki: [nervous] "Yeah, well uh, I guess, um, good taste comes naturally to me." ''[Jen and Caitlin smile at each other. They then rush over and start dragging Nikki.]'' Nikki: "Hey! What is this?" Jen: "You're coming with us anyway." Caitlin: "We need the moral support." Jen: "You coming, guys?" Wyatt: "I'd rather kiss a horse's butt." Jude: "No way, dude." Jonesy: "No thanks." Nikki: "This is so unfair! Why do I have to go? You guys owe me one!"

''[Jen, Serena, and Charmaine audition together. When they finish, the crowd cheers.]'' Nikki: "Woo-hoo! Go Jen!" Caitlin: "She was amazing! Yay–" [She leaps in the air and comes down hard.] "–ow. I still hurt from my audition. Was I really that bad?" Nikki: "Don't worry, I'm sure no one even saw you fall." Kyle: [walking by with a spotlight] "Oh man, that must've hurt! I never saw anyone fall off the stage headfirst." ''[The crowd cheers. A label executive is holding up Jen's arm.]'' Nikki: "Look! They just eliminated everybody but Jen!" [Nikki sneezes, and her nose ring flies out, bouncing off several objects, including Jen.] Nikki: "My nose ring!" Jen: "Ouch!" Nikki: [coming onstage for her ring] "Excuse me. Sorry. Ah! There it is." [She puts it in.] Label Executive: "Now that's the look we're looking for!" Nikki: "Excuse me?" Jen: "You're excused." [to the executive] "She could never handle the dance steps." Nikki: "Oh, really? Maybe I will give it a try." Label Executive: "Alright. Let's see what you got." [The track plays, and Nikki dances.] Caitlin: "She's really good!" [Jen looks on sourly as the executive goes back out onstage.] Label Executive: "Ladies and gentlemen, our new Dawgtoy video girl!" [The crowd cheers Nikki.] Jen: "Ugh! That traitor!"

''[The guys are hanging out in a back room in Spin This. The Pokey costume sits next to Jonesy.]'' Wyatt: "Man, those Dawgtoy dudes are weak!" Jonesy: "Yeah. I'm all boy-banded out. It's nice to be just kicking it, chick free. Letting it all hang out." Jude: "I'm so glad to hear you say that, bro." [He releases a fart.] "Oh, yeah. I've been holding that one in all morning." Wyatt: [laughing] "Oh, gross!" Jonesy: "Hey dude, nice one!" ''[The guys laugh. Jonesy stops and farts twice, and the three laugh even louder.]'' Jonesy: "At least we don't have to worry about a third fart from Wyatt." Wyatt: "What's that supposed to mean?" Jonesy: "Man, your butt's so uptight, you won't even use the food court washroom! I don't think we'll be hearing from it today." Jude: "No worries. Allow me." [He fumigates the room with methane, and the guys laugh.] Jonesy: "Hey, no proxy farting allowed. Every man for himself." ''[He farts. The guys laugh, and Jude returns.]'' Wyatt: [laughing] "Oh that's bad. I'm outta here." [Wyatt leaves the back room, and his friends follow him into the body of Spin This.] Jonesy: "You know what your problem is, bro?" Wyatt: "What's that?" Jonesy: "You don't know how to loosen up. Even when it's just us guys." Wyatt: "That is not true." Jude: [laughing] "Is so!" Jonesy: "Pardon my French, but you're tighter than the lid on a pickle jar." Wyatt: "Oh yeah? Well–" ''[Wyatt strains and gets out a tiny fart. His friends slap their foreheads.]'' Jonesy: "That was pathetic! Loosen up, man!" Jude: "A dude with no rear firepower is like a car with no horsepower." Jonesy: "It's a darn shame." Wyatt: "Alright. You want loosening up? I'll show you loosening up!" [He runs off and returns with the Pokey costume.] "C'mon!" ''[The guys follow him. Jude quickly runs back and faces the camera.]'' Jude: "The stunts you're about to see are performed by professionals. For your safety, and the protection of those around you, Pokey insists that you do not attempt any of what you're about to see."

''[Jason and Joanie are kissing. Suddenly, Pokey the Panda runs up, boots Jason away, and continues the kiss. The crowd cheers. When the bear pulls away, Joanie looks visibly sick.]'' Pokey: "I always wanted to do that. Excellent." [He high-fives Jonesy and Jude.] Jonesy: "Heck yeah, say my name, panda!"

[Jude is at the Stick It, talking to Pokey.] Jude: "...and that's why she wouldn't kiss me. I really dig this dude-bonding thing? It's good to have buds you can say anything to." Jen: [storming up angry] "Nikki just got chosen to be in the Dawgtoy video!" Jude: "Awesome!" Jen: "It's not awesome!" Jude: "No, that sucks!" [wondering] "Why isn't it awesome again?" Jen: "Nikki doesn't even like Dawgtoy, and she knows that they're like, the most important band in my entire existence!" Jude: "But didn't you drag her there against her will?" Jen: "THAT'S NOT THE POINT! The point is, she should have stayed off the stage! They were about to pick me!" Jude: "Whoa. Chill, Jen. Nikki's been your bra for like ten years." Jen: "Exactly. Friends don't do that kind of thing to each other! It's like a rule! Jonesy, you would never do that to Jude, would you?" Pokey: Jen: "Yeah. Now you've got nothing to say. Really helpful. Later." [Jen leaves, still steaming.] Jude: [to Pokey] "Whoa. Okay. Did that conversation make any sense to you?" Jonesy: [offscreen] "Are you kidding?" [He approaches the store.] "Most of the time, chicks don't make any sense." Jude: "Dude...how did you get out of your costume like that?" Jonesy: "My furry friend and I have come to an understanding. Pokey sits at the food court with the juniors while I spend quality time at the arcade. This gig is sweeter than I thought!" Jude: "So...I've been bonding with an empty costume all afternoon." [Jonesy nods.] Jude: [whispering to Pokey] "All that stuff I told you about my day? That's between you and me, dude. Got it? Cool."

[Caitlin is now the one listening to Jen rant.] Jen: "How could Nikki do this to me? It's just so insensitive. Besides, everyone knows she's just going to embarrass herself up there." ''[Caitlin points behind Jen. Nikki and Wyatt have arrived.]'' Nikki: "Aheh-heh-heh-hem! Hey, Wyatt, care to pull that knife out?" Jen: "Well–you aren't even a Dawgtoy fan! You hate boy bands! This is my one and only chance to meet Jason!" Nikki: "Hello? I didn't try to get chosen! You're the one who dragged me to that stupid audition, remember?" Jen: "Wyatt, don't you think Nikki's being a bad friend?" Wyatt: "Oh no, leave me out of this. I can't believe you two would fight over Dawgtoy. They suck." Caitlin and Jen: "Hey!" Caitlin: [to the poster] "Don't listen to him, John. He's just jealous." Nikki: "So, got anything else you want to say behind my back? 'Cause I could turn around for you." Jen: "Nope. I'll say it to your face. Best friends should help each other hook up with their crushes, not steal them!" Nikki: "What is that, like a rule or something?" Jen: "Yeah! It is!" Nikki: "You know, I was gonna give you my spot in the video, but now I'd rather see how badly I'll embarrass myself up there." Jen: "Fine!" Nikki: "Fine!" [They turn their backs on each other, and Nikki marches off.] Caitlin: "So, explain this rule thing to me?" Jen: "It's like, if you scoped a perfect one-shoulder top and put it on layaway, and then your best friend ran back to the store and scooped it." Caitlin: [gasping] "Nikki scooped a scope?" [Jen nods.] "Oh, I had no idea it was this serious."

''[Jonesy is at Stick It. Wyatt stops by.]'' Wyatt: "Shouldn't you be out hugging kids or something?" Jonesy: "I'm covering for Jude. He's conquering Mount Escalator today. Pokey makes great skate padding." Wyatt: "Huh?" ''[Wyatt looks towards the escalator. Pokey is at the top, balanced on a skateboard, ready to fly.]'' Wyatt: "What the–" Pokey: "Prepare for panda domination!" [Pokey shreds the escalator to the cheers of kids and his friends.] Wyatt: "Go Jude!" Jonesy: "Nice! You're the man!" [The panda loses momentum over the fountain.] Pokey: "Oh no. WAAAH!" [Pokey plunges into the fountain, splashing down.] Pokey: [climbing out] "Sweet ride." ''[The children rush towards Pokey to hug him. Just then, the rent-a-cop's golf cart beeps. The law is here.]'' Pokey: "Uh-oh." [grabbing the kids] "Follow me, dudes, let's bounce!" Ron: [into his radio] "Dispatch. We have a 519 in progress in the main fountain area. We are in pursuit." [putting down the radio] "Your furry butt is mine, Pokey."

''[Nikki is practicing the moves with the label executive. Jen and Caitlin spy on their friend.]'' Caitlin: "Nice moves! She's even better than me!" [Jen rolls her eyes.] Label Executive: "The other guys should be here any minute." Nikki: "Cool. Whatever." Jen: [stinging] "Ooh! She doesn't even care that she's about to meet Jason!" Label Executive: "Bit nervous, huh?" Nikki: [pausing] "Nah. I'd better get to work, though." Jen: "Oh! That does it. I'm going to talk to her."

[Pokey is DJing at Spin This.] Wyatt: "Nice groove, Jonesy. Rocking the panda beats. Chips?" Pokey: "Sure." [Wyatt tosses him some, but Jonesy can't eat through the costume.] "Aww." Wyatt: "You know, you were right. This is sweet. Just us guys, doing our guy thing. No chicks, no boy bands, no drama." [He farts.] Pokey: "And Quiet Wyatt speaks." Jude: [offscreen] "Five-oh! Five-oh!" [He rushes in.] Wyatt: "What are you talking about?" Jude: "Rent-a-cop's on the panda's tail and he's heading this way! He wasn't too crazy about Pokey's ollie off the escalator." Ron: "Pokey. I know you're in there." Pokey: "Oh crap!" [The panda ducks down inside the DJ booth.] Ron: "Alright panda. Where are you? I've got you cornered." Wyatt: [whispering to Jude] "Time for a fake medical emergency." Jude: "Huh?" [Wyatt puts his chips down and pretends to choke.] Jude: "Whoa. Dude!" [He grabs Wyatt.] Wyatt: [whispering] "Jude! Take it easy, man!" Jude: "Don't worry, bro! Just stay calm, and–" [He performs the Heimlich, and Wyatt coughs up some half-masticated chips into Ron's face.] Ron: "Son, that's disgusting." Jude: "Somebody go for a medic!" Ron: "I'll go. You. Stay where you are. I'm not through with you yet." ''[Ron walks off to get medical assistance. Pokey watches him go and exits the DJ booth.]'' Pokey: "Sweet! That was totally convincing, man!" Wyatt: "Jude, I said a fake medical emergency!" Jude: "Oh. Sorry." [He lets out a fart, and the trio laugh.] Wyatt: "You better head, Jonesy. Ron'll be back any second to save my life." Pokey: "Right. Later!" ''[Pokey runs off. He heads around the mall, evading the eagle eyes of the mall cop, until one unfortunate turn around the corner has him come face to face with the angry man. Ron gives chase as Pokey runs away.]''

''[Kristen and Kirsten are manning the desk at the Khaki Barn. Kristen nudges her friend when Nikki enters.]'' Kirsten: "I don't suppose you feel like working today, do you, Nikki?" Nikki: "Drop dead." Jen: [entering with Caitlin] "Did you see where Nikki went?" Kirsten: [indicating her shirt] "Excuse me, do you see 'Nikki-sitter' written somewhere?" Caitlin: "No. Ooh, but that would be so cute!" [Jen spots Nikki with a backpack and goes over.] Jen: "Hey! Why was it so important to you to be in a Dawgtoy video all of a sudden?" Kirsten: [gasping] "She's in a video?" Caitlin: "Nikki got cast instead of Jen and scooped Jen's big chance to meet her crush Jason." [Kirsten gasps.] "She scooped her scope." Nikki: "I'm outta here, I'm gonna be late." ''[Nikki puts her backpack on. A rip develops at the bottom, and Nikki gasps. The rip tears, and a bunch of Dawgtoy memorabilia falls out.]'' Jen: "Huh?" Nikki: [as Jen picks it up] "Leave it, I'll get that!" Jen: "The Best of Dawgtoy? Woof, Baby, Woof: An Autobiography?" [Caitlin, Kirsten, and Kristen gasp in realization.] Jen: [unrolling a poster] "You're a closet Dawgtoy fan!" Kirsten: "No, she's like a Dawgtoy groupie!" Nikki: "Stop! It's–it's too humiliating!" Caitlin: "Admit it! You love Dawgtoy!" Nikki: "Okay, okay! I-I-I love them, I do." Jen: "So that's why you didn't want to give up being in the video. Well why didn't you just tell us?" Nikki: "Could you...keep it down? It's bad enough that hairy lip over there knows." [She gestures to Kirsten, who feels her lip, gasps, and runs out of the store.] "I was too embarrassed, okay? I-I tried to stop listening to their CDs, but...I can't help it. When Jason tilts his head to the side and-and bats his eyelashes, I just–" Caitlin, Jen, and Nikki: "–melt?" Nikki: [sighing] "So now you know my deepest and darkest secret. And now I have to kill you." [Jen giggles.] Caitlin: "So technically, she didn't break the rule, since you had a crush on Jason too." Jen: "True, but that all depends on when she started liking him. Whoever liked him first gets first dibs." Nikki: "Okay, look. Can we all just promise to be honest with each other from now on?" Jen: "Deal." Caitlin: "Break a leg tonight, Nik." Jen: "You're going to be awesome!" Nikki: "Hey, come backstage right after the show. I'll get you in to meet Jason and John." Caitlin: "John? In the flesh?" Caitlin, Jen, and Nikki: "EEEEEEE!!!!" [Just then, there's a commotion outside, and Pokey runs past the store.] Pokey: "I didn't do it, man!" Ron: "Stop right there, panda scum! Nobody jumps in this soldier's fountain and gets away with it!"

[Jen and Caitlin are fangirling about meeting Jason and John.] Jen: "Jason, I am so your biggest fan!" Caitlin: "You guys are so–so–AAAAAHHH! You're really Dawgtoy!" Jen: "Can I touch you?" Jason: "Sure." Jen: [touching him] "WOW!" [to Nikki] "He even feels cute." [She pushes Nikki forward.] Nikki: "Um, hi. So could you, um, uh, sign my Jason doll?" Jason: "For you, anything." [Nikki blushes.] "There you go." [He hands it back.] [Nikki, Jen, and Caitlin gather together.] Nikki: "Okay, if you tell anyone about this, you're dead." Wyatt: "Hey. Some of the audition clips made it onto the video." ''[The gang gathers to watch the clips. The first one is Caitlin's horrible dancing.]'' Jonesy: [when she falls] "Ooh." Wyatt: "That's nasty." Jude: "That must have been embarrassing." Caitlin: [to Jonesy] "Can I borrow your costume tomorrow? I don't think I can show my face around here for a while." Jonesy: "Wish I could, but I got fired for being a bad role model for kids. Go figure." [to Nikki] "Hey, what's that in your hand?" Nikki: "Nothing!" [Wyatt snatches it.] Wyatt: [reading] "To Nikki...with love...from Jason?!?" Jonesy: "From Jason?!? Dawgtoy Jason?!? Well, well, welly well well. Isn't that cute. And here we thought you had such good taste." Nikki: [reaching for it] "Give that back! I-I can explain!" [Wyatt holds it just out of Nikki's reach, teasing her.]