Twin It to Win It

1 Thanks, Byron, that was actually really, really cool. I've never been to the Lincoln Memorial at night. Well, I've never seen anyone jump into Lincoln's lap and take a selfie, so And I've never run so fast from security. But it was your idea to play Truth or Dare. I say we keep playing. I dare you to go out on another date with me. Oh! I pick truth this time. Fine. Tell the truth. Do you want to go to the movies with me tomorrow night? I do, yeah. It's a date. - Cool. - Oh, uh, you have an eyelash. You know what they say, if you blow on it and make a wish, then your wish can come true. - Oh, well - Oh-kay! (Blows dramatically) I wish you would leave my daughter alone and go home. You know, Mr. Cooper, you shouldn't say your wish out loud, 'cause it might not come true. And you shouldn't irritate your date's father, or you won't come back. Oh, look at the time! - Look at it! - I'd better get going. - Buh-bye. Buh-bye. - Okay. Buh-bye. Look at that! My wish came true! Hey! Ha ha! Dad, come on, that was not cool. Oh, I'm sorry, but I gotta brief you on a mission. Oh, what, is it Operation KC's Never Gonna Have a Boyfriend? Oh, that's an ongoing mission. - It's going on - Ugh! and on till you're 31! Oh, when danger comes for you You know I'll stand beside you 'Cause ain't nobody keep their head so cool I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire Don't tell nobody, tell nobody I'm not perfect So many things I wanna tell you But I, I, I, I keep it undercover Livin' my life, on red alert Doin' my thing, gonna make it work Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless But I always got your back Nobody can do it like I can I gotta find out who I am Ain't got to worry about me It's all part of the plan I keep it undercover. I keep it undercover. This is Henry Parker. He donated $5 million to American University, and they're renaming the library in his honor. There's been a bunch of threats against him, so you're going to the ceremony to protect him. Who would hate someone who puts money towards a library? (Scoffs) I hope it's not Marisa. No, the threats were spelled correctly, and there were no hearts over the I's. Okay, so what am I supposed to do, like, stand in the crowd and keep an eye out on him? Not exactly. You're gonna be doing it from the drumline. Okay, yeah, one problem. I don't know how to drum. Which is why they should've given this assignment to me! I was actually on the drumline in college. Pop! Wah! I'm sorry. Wait a minute. Uh Dad, are you suggesting that you can go undercover as a college student? Well, I think I could pass for a senior. - Pfft! - Ha! A senior what, a senior citizen? Hey, come on. Okay, okay, okay. The Organization wants you up front and center, which means you have to get the big drum solo, and you're gonna do it with these specialized drum sticks. Oh! Thank you, DC! You know, I got a real career with this. - Well - Relax. With these, any idiot can drum like a pro. - Aah! Ow! - Okay. Apparently not any idiot. All right, everybody, we need to practice for the library dedication for some millionaire Henry Parker dude, or something. Look, I don't know. I graduate in two weeks. I am super checked out. Um, all right, where's William? We need to go over his solo. Actually, William couldn't make it, so I'm filling in for him. I'm Cassandra Bailey from the drumline at Georgetown. What's wrong with William? Something about his neck went out. But it's cool. He taught me his solo, so I'm good to go. All right. Everybody, this is Cassandra. I guess she'll be filling William's shoes. Ah, actually, brought my own shoes. Ringworm is no joke, people. This is ridiculous! So, a stranger walks in off the street, and you're just going to hand her the biggest drum solo of the year? Look, man, I know you don't know me, but I promise you, I got more beats than a farmer's market. Ha ha! You know, when beets are in season. (Rimshot) Thank you. Oh, and you know what I got? The rulebook. According to section five, subsection A of the Drumline Charter Bylaws, I hereby invoke my right to a drum-off! - Come on, Elliot - I invoke! - I invoke! - All right. All right, fine, if it'll shut you up. Cassandra, Elliot, it's a drum-off! Oh, ho! Cassandra, you got the solo! But that's not fair! It's okay, Elliot, look, you can play the solo, too, okay? Just "so low" nobody can hear you. (Rimshot) Thank you again. (Mournful music on TV) (Sniffling) I don't know why they said this was a chick flick. There's a lot in it for dudes to enjoy, too. What're you doing? Oh, um, I was watching a war movie, The Guns of, uh what do you want? - Where's KC? - On a mission. What? No! She's supposed to help me with my college essay! The deadline for the Fashion Institute of Technology is in five hours. Good thing you didn't wait till the last minute. Come on, this is not funny. My essay needs to be as strong as it can be. All right, fine, I'll help you. Oh, thank you. "Dear Fashion Institute of Technology, Please let me in. Sincerely, Marisa Miller. " I'm bad, right? No, not bad. Terrible. This isn't an essay. Plus, you spelled "Marisa" wrong. Okay, whatever. I know it stinks. I don't know what else to write about. Try writing about your life. Please, what am I supposed to say? That I woke up a few months before graduation and realized that I'd actually be good at design because my designs are really, really good, That they should accept me into this prestigious school, despite the fact that I failed most of my classes, but it was only because I didn't really care about them. But I know I would be a success at F. I. T. because I'm actually really passionate about this and desperately want to learn about fashion and design! Yeah, that works. You're right, it does! Hey, get me one of those wrighty thingies. Uh, you mean a laptop? Yeah, yeah, one of those. Okay, now that you've secured at prime spot next to Parker at the library renaming ceremony, all you gotta do is protect him, and (Mocking) pretend to play the drums. Really, Dad? You're still on that? Look, just being honest, okay, you can not pass for a college student anymore. Maybe if I shaved a little Shaved off 20 years? I get it, KC, I'm older, but I can still play. There was a reason they called me Sticks back in college. Yeah, wasn't it because you ate a lot of fried mozzarella? Okay, there were two reasons. You know what? I'm gonna make sure all your surveillance cameras are in place. Maybe you should try bashing that drum instead of your dear old dad. Oh, uh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Excuse me. You can't be on the quad without a proper wristband. They didn't give me one, but it's cool I'm with the drumline. Oh! Well, in that case, yeah, let me just slap one on ya. - Ahh! - Yeah, that's right. I'm Barney Feffer, Campus Security, Part-Time Division and you are under campus arrest. - For what? - Suspicion of being suspicious. Okay, look, I think you've made a mistake. As I've said, see? Check my visitor's pass. Student of Georgetown, Cassandra Bailey, right there. No, you are a liar! Because according to my research, the only Cassandra Bailey who ever attended Georgetown died in 1914 of the rickets. Oh, you know, you look pretty good for a 100-year-old corpse. Okay, look, you know what, I should not be telling you this but I'm an undercover police officer sent here to protect the rich guy who gave all the money to the library. Oh, that's interesting! You don't look or feel like a rug, so why you gotta lie like one? Hmm, you know, you don't look or feel like a security guard, yet here we are! I can prove it to you, okay? I have these special drum sticks in my backpack, that were given to me by the Police Advance Technical Department, Musical Division. Do I look stupid to you? You really want me to answer that question? No. Just try them out, okay? They're right there in my backpack. Anyone who plays with them can play like a pro. Wow! Oh, well, I mean, color me embarrassed. I am so sorry, officer. Yeah, it's no problem. Yeah, hey, but I guess that means that we're working the case together. Oh, well, if by "working the case together" you mean going our separate ways and pretending we never met, then yeah, bingo! No! No, no, no, no, no! Please. This is my last shot to become a full-time security officer. I mean, right now, my badge, it's just a sticker. It's just a sticker Okay. Okay, okay, you know what, um, how about you start by securing the perimeter of the campus. I am on it! Attention all units! Attention all units! This is Part-Time Security Officer Feffer calling for a complete campus lockdown! Okay, first, that is a bit of an overreaction, and secondly, that's not connected to anything. Oh! No wonder no one ever answers me back. I don't know. I think it's perfect. I would just probably add a few of those things that we talked about. Right. Commas! I'd say this is a great essay. It's real, it's from the heart, it's funny, and it's you. The Fashion Institute's gonna love it. Thank you so much, Ernie. Honestly, like, I couldn't have done this without you. It was my pleasure. (Both scream) Oh, okay, yeah! I'm gonna finish this one at home. Good idea. Go home. All right, I-I'll see you later. - Okay. - Bye. (Both scream) - I'm going now! - Please do! - Okay! - Hey, wait, that's my laptop! Okay All right, everybody, get in formation. We're gonna start with the solos. Wait, wait, wait, I can't find my sticks. Why don't you use mine? You're taking everything else from me. No, I have to use mine! Um, 'cause that's gross. I mean, would you use somebody else's toothbrush? Are you planning on putting them in your mouth? Maybe. You don't know my routine. Start us off. Now. One, two, three, four. Five, six, seven, eight! - Cassandra! - What? Does this group go with, like, prime numbers or something? If so, no problem. Two, three, five, seven Would you please play?! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Gotcha. Here we go. Solo. Ahem. Maybe your drumming would sound better if you did put the sticks in your mouth. Okay, Elliot, relax. It was just a warm-up, just a little bit of a warm-up. Let's get into this (Exhales) (Whispers) Five, six, seven. One, two, three. Okay. Ahem! Mm! Come on, Captain! She's clearly choking! Give me back my solo! You got it, Elliot. You can go now. Oh, man. (Playing sarcastic coda) You too, Cymbals? Thought we were friends. Oh, Officer Bailey! Officer Bailey! Officer Bailey! Shh! What? W-What? What is it? I found something! Well, clearly it wasn't antiperspirant, 'cause you're drenched in sweat. No, I found your I found I found your (Huffs) Okay, I need you to stop saying, "I found your," - and tell me what you found. - I found your sticks. Oh! My sticks! Okay, thank you. Wait, were did you find these? In that drummer guy Elliot's locker. You know, he seemed suspicious to me, so I invaded his privacy, which I assumed was my right when you deputized me. Of course, no, no, no. Elliot is the threat. That's why he wanted the solo so bad. He's trying to get close to Parker at the dedication ceremony. So, what do I do next? Okay, listen carefully, all right? Hold on. Okay. I'm listening. I want you to go Go. home. Hom Wait a minute! It seems like you're trying to get rid of me. I want to help! I'm the one who found the drum sticks. Okay. Okay. I guess another set of eyes couldn't hurt. You get full clearance. Yes! Full clearance. Oh! I haven't been fully cleared since the arson investigation. Listen here, Barney, don't make me rethink this. - Hey, hey, hey. - What do you want now? I want my drum solo back. Too late. Yeah, well, I hereby invoke section five, subsection A According to the amendment bylaws enacted in 1997, a formal petition must be presented in advance, for a second drum-off. Per the 2004 addendum to that amendment, it clearly states that if there are extenuating circumstances You don't know what you're talking about! Okay, enough! Enough! Two weeks! I have two weeks of school left, and you're ruining it! So you'll both just do the solo! You'll both stand on either side of Parker. - Got it? - Nuh, I got it. Is that cool with you, Elliot? Does it ruin your little plan? My only plan is to drum my butt off at Parker's dedication ceremony. Don't get in my way. I will be in your way except for the parts where I choreographed to be out of your way. Then I won't be. Or will I? (Cell phone rings) Um, hey Bryan. Hey, KC! I'm at this thing my dad dragged me to, but I'll be free in time for our movie. What movie? The movie we said we were going to tonight. The movie I already bought tickets for! Uh, right. Right, right, right. Yeah, of course, that movie. Um, about that. I can't go. You're blowing me off? No, no. I'm not blowing you off. I'm just canceling at the last minute. Okay, that is the very definition of blowing someone off. No, see, listen, you didn't let me finish, okay? I can't go tonight because my grandma is not well. Yeah, have you ever heard of acute necrotizing ulcerative gingivitis? Oh. No, I haven't. Then that's what she has. I-I am so sorry. Go take care of your grandma. - Thank you. - I hope she feels better. Thank you. (No audible dialogue) (Door opens) Heyyy! How's it going? Uh, did you get your application in? I did! I did! Thank you! Thank you so much for your help. It was my pleasure. So we're not gonna talk about what happened! - Works for me. - Oh, me too! - See you later. - Ah, see you. (Both scream) Okay, we clearly need to talk about what's happening. Um, what is going on? I mean, I barely like you, and I certainly don't "like you, like you. " And I feel the same way about you times ten! So what is going on here? I don't know. I don't know. Um, maybe it's because you're really passionate about going to this school, and somehow that passion spilled over into your appreciation? Yes! Yes! My passion spilled over into my appreciation, and onto your lips! That makes perfect sense. - It was nothing! - Less than nothing. I'm so glad we cleared that up! Me too! (Cheering) Congratulations to our benefactor and to the man we're celebrating here today, Mr., uh, Henry Parker! (Cheering) And now, in a special salute, the American University Drumline! I know you stole my sticks and put them in your locker. What? What, locker, what are you, in high school? I don't have a locker. Oh. Yeah, right, that makes sense. Wait, if it wasn't you, then Barney Feffer. Congratulations! I'm giving you your solo back! It was never yours to give! Drumline sounds amazing. Just wish we could see it better. Ooh! So, you played stupid and I fell for it. Played stupid, or am stupid? Either way, you fell for it. Well, what's your beef with Parker? It all started 35 years ago at this very university. Parker and I were assigned the same dorm room. I distinctly called dibs on the top bunk, but Parker! Okay. Okay. I've lost interest. Okay, I'm taking you in. Let's go. Yeow! Nice drum roll, Barney. Oh, come on. Well, look at that, Barney. You just got upgraded to maximum security. Wow, Dad, that was amazing. I'm so glad that we came. KC? What are you doing here? Rob, your name's on TV!