I Love Cake

Eric and Donna are sitting in the VistaCruiser

ERIC: Oh my God! (slides over to Donna) Did you hear that? It sounds like a bloody hook scraping against the backdoor....What’s wrong, you’re like a millions miles away? DONNA: I don’t know. It’s just like my parents are fighting like all the time. It just makes me so mad. Like I wanna kick their asses but I can’t. I wanna do something! ERIC: Okay (sighs) Take me Donna! DONNA: What?! ERIC: Go ahead, take me! Punish your parents by using me for sex! Do your business and be done with it! Go ahead! Don’t be shy! I can take it! But...God...do be gentle! DONNA: You didn’t actually think that was gonna work did you? ERIC: No, but I’m a virgin and it’s driving me crazy. But that’s not your fault. No wait, YES it is! DONNA: How do you do that? ERIC: Do what? DONNA: You always make me feel better. ERIC: Uhm, well thank you.

They kiss

DONNA: I love you Eric. ERIC: I love...cake!

OPENING CREDITS

Forman driveway, Red comes out of the kitchen, walks by the VistaCruiser to pick up the morning paper

RED: Morning Bob! BOB (sticks his head out of the back of the cruiser): Mornin’ Red! Probably wondering why I’m in your car eh? RED: No. Just get out and have a nice day. BOB: Midgy and I got into a fight Red, and I walked out! Guess that’ll teach her right? RED: Well, you’re the one sleeping in the car, Bob. BOB: Right, well, that’s cause when I stormed out, I sort of forgot some stuff. You know, keys, wallet, blowdryer. All I need now is a place to stay...maybe with some friends...? RED: Well uhhh...we don’t uhh have a blowdryer Bob. BOB: Laurie’s got a blowdryer, I know! Cause she’s had that Farrah Fawcett hairdo. That’s not natural! You know, I wouldn’t even need my own room, just a little corner to sleep in! RED: Bob I really... I mean, would you...ahh cripes. Okay. BOB: Ah thanks Red! Your my best friend. RED (pats Bob on his back): No, I’m not!

Hyde and Fez sit on the Forman porch

FEZ: Do you think when girls have sleepovers, sometimes they play games and giggle and then every once in a while they start out to make out altogether in a big naked heap? HYDE: I sure hope so! FEZ: Me too! JACKIE: Ahummm..may I have your attention please?! I would like to introduce to you all the new Michael Kelso ! (applauds as Kelso runs up the driveway) KELSO (wearing a leather jacket): Sooo, what do you think?! Yeah, Jackie says it makes me look like Marlon Brando in the Wild Ones. Yeah, I’m so Brando! HYDE: Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie! KELSO: What are you even saying? HYDE: I think you know what I’m saying... (imitating Fonzie) EYYYY! KELSO: Jackie, did you dress me up like the Fonz? JACKIE: No Michael, I did not dress you up like the Fonz! Although I mean I like the Fonz you know he’s kinda... KELSO: Fez?! Fonz, yes or no? FEZ: Well you know me Kelso, I just want you to be happy. KELSO: Thank you Fez! FEZ: Now, if I could just have a moment of your time...? KELSO: Sure! FEZ: Good, yes. Okay a gang of tugs has taken over our town! Help us Fonzie, you are our only hope! KELSO: I can’t believe you guys! Here I am, as Brando as can be, and you guys can’t even see that! Well you can both just... HYDE: Sit on it?!

Kelso runs off, with Jackie following him.

Forman kitchen, Red is reading his paper, Kitty walks in

KITTY: Why is Bob in my bathtub? You told me you sent him home, that’s what you said, he went home! RED: He did go home. And then Midge kicked him out. KITTY: But he went home! RED: Well, now he’s back! KITTY: Red, he is IN my bathtub! I can’t have him in my bathtub! His afro-gel is gonna leave a ring! RED: This isn’t easy on me either Kitty! He tried to talk to me about his feelings! He almost started to cry! I really wanted to punch him! KITTY: Bob can’t stay here Red. I know that makes me a bad person, I don’t care. I’m bad so just let’s get him out of here! RED: Well then, go talk to Midge and fix it up. KITTY: Ahahahahhh! NO! You let the stray in, you find him a home! RED: It’s not that simple Kitty. KITTY: Do you want me to go to my unhappy place Red? RED: I’ll talk to Midge first thing in the morning... KITTY: Thank you Red, you wonderful husband. Now, when you’re done with the paper you get upstairs and scrub my tub! Okay (grabs paper out of his hand) you’re done! RED: I won’t do it! KITTY: Well I won’t either. RED: Well I don’t know what the hell we’re gonna do!

Forman basement

FEZ: Kelso, it was brave of you to come back. We gave you quite a ribbing. KELSO: Yeah, except for this time, I brought a hot fresh pizza! But it’s only for my friends who don’t make fun of me! Mmmm pizza! HYDE: Kelso man, I got a thousand insults and no pizza is gonna make me... (Kelso waves a piece in front of his nose) Is that sausage? Brilliant bastard! ERIC: Guys, let me ask you something, Donna told me she loves me, and then I told her I love cake... That’s not bad is it? I’m still cool right? (They all stare at him in silence) Okay, I don’t know what happened, I just panicked and it popped out, I mean, I don’t remember ever wanting to talk about cake. I wasn’t really that hungry. FEZ: Cake is good. But you cannot have sex with cake! Ofcourse you cannot have sex with Donna either, so... KELSO: Yeah man, you should’ve just lied and told her that you loved her, “I love you baby”, see and I don’t love you isn’t that great? HYDE: He DOES love her you dope. Right? ERIC: Okay, well, if I admit it, are you guys gonna make fun of me? FEZ: Oh Eric, love is not a joke. This is a joke: knock knock... KELSO: Who’s there? Look if you really do love her, there is only one thing to do man! You’ve got to dump her and live free! HYDE: Don’t listen to him man, he’s stupid. Here’s what you gotta do: she said it, now you’ve got to say it! Then she’ll say it back and everything will be okay. Oh and get her pizza, cause right now I kinda love Kelso! ERIC: Yeah I can do that. I’ll just say it and then I’ll be back on top again. Alright! So now where was I when Fonzie here moved to town? (Kelso grabs his pizza) Hey! Give that backtomundo!

Eric and Donna are sitting in the VistaCruiser

DONNA: Eric! Eric, are you okay? ERIC: What, yeah... DONNA: You look like you’ve got a stomach-ache or something. ERIC: No. There is nothing wrong with my stomach. It’s just that...I...love you...(deep silence) Man! Haha!

Donna and Jackie sitting on top of the car in the driveway

DONNA: And then he punched me in the arm and said: Man! JACKIE: Oh my God. What a horrible disaster! Well go on! DONNA: I guess I like totally screwed things up. Cause ever since I said I love you he’s been acting SO weird. JACKIE: Okay wait a second, I’m a little confused, why did YOU say I love you? DONNA: Because I...love him! JACKIE: Uh Donna! That’s got nothing to do with it! YOU are way too young to be saying I love you. DONNA: Shut up Jackie, you say it to Kelso all the time and you are like younger than me. JACKIE: Not in love-years. Alright look. Eric doesn’t know how to handle that kind of thing. You probably just scared him off. All you could do right now is play it cool for a while, turn down the emotional heat and Donna, God willing, he’ll forget you threw yourself at him. DONNA: I know it sounds impossible, but what you just said actually makes sense. JACKIE: Look the sooner you realise I’m a genius, the better off we’ll both be!

Red knocks on the Pinciotti’s backdoor, Midge answers

MIDGE: Oh, hi Red! Sorry I can’t open the door, but I don’t want Bob sneaking back into the house again. RED: That’s okay, I just came by to see how you’re doing. MIDGE: Oh I’m working through some things. Gotten past denial and I’m well on my way to acceptance... RED: Yeah well couldn’t agree with you more, well anyway... Take Bob back! MIDGE: Red I can’t do that right now. RED: Midge, I’ve talked to Bob, and he’s really sorry. Now be a sport and take him back! MIDGE: I can’t. RED: TAKE HIM BACK MIDGE! MIDGE: NO! RED: TAKE HIM! MIDGE: NO! (she closes the window) RED (pressed against the closed window): THIS ISN’T OVER PINCIOTTI!

Forman basement

ERIC: Donna, check it out. Hey Kelso! Popsicle! (he throws, Kelso misses and flies over the couch and lands flat on his face) KELSO: Where did it go? FEZ: Perhaps it went under the couch? (Kelso ducks and Fez picks up the popsicle) DONNA: Jackie, lets get out of here, this is kinda lame... JACKIE: Yeah sure. ERIC: Wait Donna! So I’ll see you later?

Jackie mouths ‘no’ to Donna

DONNA: NO! You’re never gonna see me again! (Jackie and Donna leave) ERIC: Ha! She’s a little pistol huh... HYDE: What did you do?! ERIC: Nothing! I did what you said! I told her I loved her! HYDE: You’re LYING! ERIC: No it’s true! Except...except, I might have..you know...popped her one on the shoulder and called her ‘man’. FEZ: You idiot! ERIC: Wait! This isn’t my fault! (points to Hyde) It’s YOUR fault! You said if I told her I loved her she’d say it back, but she didn’t man! She just stared at me! HYDE: Well did you give her a chance to answer?! How long did you wait before you completely muffed out? ERIC: Forever man! Like...five minutes! HYDE: You’re LYING! ERIC: No it’s true, it was like...well maybe just a couple of seconds, but I.. Time ceased to exist okay! I was just hangin’ out there, really far out there, just...hangin’ ! HYDE: Eric contributes in class but does not follow directions! KELSO: MAN, where the heck is that fudgesicle?! (looks at Fez) Hey, is that my fudgesicle? FEZ: No, this one’s mine. KELSO (keeps looking around): Damn, where is my fudgesicle?! ERIC: Just tell me how am I supposed to fix this?! KELSO: Well, first of all, you need to learn how to handle a little woman troubles without getting all freaked out. It’s pretty unmanly man.

Laurie comes down the stairs

KELSO: Laurie! LAURIE (looks at Kelso and sees his jacket): Hahahahahahaha! EYYYYYYY!

Laurie leaves and Kelso throws off his jacket

KELSO: That’s IT, I hate this stupid thing! Laurie laughing at me... ERIC: But Kelso, I thought we were supposed to handle our woman troubles like a man...? KELSO: You shut up! You just SHUT UP! And if anybody else here laughs at me, I swear, I’m gonna kick SO MUCH ass! And that’s MY fudgesicle! (grabs it from Fez and leaves) HYDE: I’m telling you man, that jacket is the best thing that ever happened to us!

Forman living room. Bob is asleep in a chair, Kitty and Red stand next to him

RED (whispering): I can’t do it now Kitty, he’s sleeping! KITTY leans over to Bob and shouts: BOOOOOBB! Oh, Bob, you’re awake! (she leaves) RED: Hi! Let’s see it was ehm it was no go with Midge. She doesn’t wanna see you. BOB: Boy that’s a shame Red. Guess it’s you and me buddy. RED: Well that’s a problem. I like you Bob, you don’t borrow my things, you keep your lawn mowed, but the fact of the matter is, you’re a little bit... you’re kind of a... You’re an ass. BOB: Yeah? RED: Well it’s not your fault. We’ve gotta stop pussyfootin’ around here and somehow get you back in that house! BOB: How?!

Red is at the Pinciotti’s backdoor again, he knocks

MIDGE: Oh, it’s you. I’m NOT taking him back Red! RED: No no no no, I’m just gonna trim a few of these branches for you. MIDGE: Oh okay.

Red walks away and comes back with a big branch. He lies himself down on the ground and puts the branch on top of him

RED: HELP! Midge! I’m trapped under this very heavy branch! HELP! MIDGE (comes outside) : OH MY GOD! RED! Are you hurt?! RED: GO BOB! GOOOO! (Bob runs for the door, Midge screams) BOB (inside): I’m IN!! MIDGE (outside): NOOO! Red, that was NOT nice! RED: I’m not sorry Midge!

Eric and Donna are shooting hoops in the driveway

ERIC: Great shot! And I love you. DONNA: Well the basket doesn’t really count because I travelled. ERIC: You could never travel. Because I love you. DONNA: Eric, you’re acting like a huge dork. ERIC: A huge dork who loves you. DONNA: God! God stop it! Alright, look the only reason I said it is because I felt it. And not just so you’d say it back. And if I knew you would get in such a twist about it, I wouldn’t have said it at all! ERIC: I’m NOT in a twist! It’s just...cake okay that was pretty stupid. DONNA: Yes! Thank you! So, I mean, why did you say it? ERIC: I don’t know, I just...now, once IT is out there, if we broke up, I mean, what would I tell myself then? DONNA: I guess you could tell yourself you still have cake, we both know how much it means to you! ERIC: That’s nice, there is a sweet girl... DONNA: Okay, look, I have an idea. Why don’t we pretend it just never happened? ERIC: I like that (closed his eyes and opens them up again): never happened! DONNA: Okay. ERIC: Then...you DID travel so...My ball!

Forman driveway at night. Kitty and Red are getting their groceries out of the car

BOB: Hi you two! Thought you might wanna know, Midge and I worked things out.

RED: Well that’s just great Bob! BOB: Yeah, we’re separating. RED: You can’t stay with us! BOB: No, I’ll be staying at home, we’re gonna live together, we’re just gonna see other people. RED: Okay Bob, how much did you think about this? You’re living in the same house, but you’re dating other people. I’m not saying for sure there’ll be problems, but I want you to think about it. Think hard Bob! BOB: I think it’s gonna be sexy!

Forman basement, Hyde is wearing Kelso’s jacket

FEZ: Oh Hyde! What a fabulous look for you! DONNA: Seriously, you look like Marlon Brando or something! LAURIE: O my God! Hyde, when did you get so hot?! (she starts fondling Hyde) KELSO: What?! HYDE: I’ve always been hot. Jacket just brings it out. KELSO: No! No, give it to me, give me back my jacket!

Kelso and Hyde start to fight

Eric and Donna are sitting on top of the car

ERIC: So..they’re really gonna separate? DONNA: Yeah, but they’re still gonna live together! ERIC: O. Wow. Are you okay? DONNA: Yeah, but I mean that’s just the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard! I mean, how is that supposed to work? ERIC: Well, I imagine it’ll be like when Gilligan and the Skipper had a fight and they drew a chalk line down the center of their hut, that worked out great... DONNA: Yeah that solved all their problems! (she laughs) ERIC: I love you. DONNA: I love you too. ERIC: Alright!!

They kiss

THE END