Hooray for Hollywood Planet

ANNOUNCER 1: Tonight, prepare yourself for all-out extreme nitro excitement. When things explode! I weep for the brain this appeals to. Maybe something is on the classics network. Well, don't worry about it, Stumpy. Nothing but prunes and Danishes for the rest of the week. Ha, ha, ha. This is a classic? ANNOUNCER 2: Ha, ha, ha! Happy Cat say get ready for big-time fun. Fun buying Happy Cat products, that is. Happy Cat Floor Wax. Happy Cat Power Miter Saw. And the all-new Happy Cat Turkey Fryer. I'm fed up with this junk. How much over-hyped, market-driven crud can the public stand? What the people need is something with a little artistic vision. Something with a heart. Something like my autobiographical script recently submitted to Vermin Pictures. And with a name like Vermin you know they have the public's best interest in mind. Captain Dodgers. Captain Dodgers. There's a call for you on the view screen. It's from Hollywood Planet. Put them through. Dodgers, baby, you look great. Did you lose weight? Who are you? This is executive producer and director to beat all, Harry Vermin. I wanna turn your script into a major motion picture. [GASPS] Meet me in 10 quadra-secs at the commissary of Vermin Studios. I am gonna make you a star, baby, a star. Did you hear that, cadet? Me, a star. This is my deliverance to the style of living I was born accustomed to. So pack my bags. I'm gonna need a flunky. Ha, ha, ha. Welcome to the big time, boys. What's with Gloomy Gus? He looks like someone flushed his hamster. Captain Dodgers is quiet and introspective because he's trying to find his character. But he's playing himself. Captain Dodgers also requests that the following items be available in his trailer. Saltines, potato chips, a pomegranate-scented aromatherapy candle a ring-tailed lemur-- Look, Dodgers, baby, whatever you want, you got it. This is your picture. That's right, it is. I'm serious about the lemur. Look, we're on a tight schedule here. In fact, we're already six weeks late. But we haven't even started. That doesn't stop my financial backer from breathing down my neck. [PHONE BEEPING] Oh, this is Mr. Moneybags now. Why don't you two superstars get measured for your costumes and let Daddy take this call. - Whatever. - There you go. Good kids. Beat it. Vermin here. COMMANDER: Is our plan progressing smoothly? Smooth as a sow's ear, baby. COMMANDER: So you've hired the assassin? Only the most dangerous professional money can buy. Don't worry, this thing is covered. Remember, Vermin I'll finance your next 10 pictures if you get rid of Dodgers once and for all. Stay beautiful, kiddo. Peace out. I can't believe I'm gonna destroy a beloved hero just to further my own selfish aims. I love this town! HARRY: All right, Dodgers, baby. In this scene we introduce your love interest. The eager, young and, may I add, beautiful space cadet. Captain Dodgers does not have a beautiful young space cadet. Can't argue with him there. Yeah, we added her in the rewrite. But I thought that this was the true story of Duck Dodgers. Well, it is. But in order to make these true stories more accurate we add fictitious characters and events. This allows the writers leeway to fabricate a story that's actually more true than the real events. Sounds good to me. That doesn't make a lick of sense. Now, look, boys, we could quibble about this all day. Why don't you meet the actress first? Oh, Nina. Which one do you want me to ice, Harry, the pig or the duck? Ha, ha, ha. The duck. This is gonna be too easy. Just do me a favor and make it quick on the poor jerk. I'm paying you by the hour. Okay, Dodgers, here's the deal. You two kids are very much in love but it's just not meant to be. So you just try and let her down easy. Roll camera and action! MAN: Duck Dodgers: The Movie. Love scene, take one. It's over. Hit the bricks, sister. If there's one thing I hate, it's a girlfriend who can't take a hint. We are through. Hasta la vista, baby. And scene. Talk about a rerun of the last Valentine's Day. Your level of intensity is good. But on this next take, let's go for subtle and tender. Lovey-dovey, kissy-wissy. And action! MAN: Duck Dodgers: The Movie. Love scene, take two. Oh, cadet my lovey-dovey, pookey wookums our love is not meant to be. Oh, my captain. Oh, and my stomach. One last kiss before we part. Mm-mm. Hey, hey, enough with the kissing already. I had clams for lunch. Remember, kids, never get a cut-rate face-lift. I should be paying you for this one, Harry. Knock them dead, Nina. With pleasure. HARRY: And action! Oh, my darling. Oh, my darling. Oh, my darling Clementine. [SINGING] I was lost and gone forever Simple parting, Clementine Now, Harry? Yeah, yeah. Hurry before he starts the chorus again. - Dodgers, your time is up. - Hang on, sweetie, I'm almost finished. You're already finished. H. V. , I think we're out of script. Go with it. It's real, baby. Now for my revenge. Look, I told you when we first started dating that I played the banjo. You realize that's only a banjo? Only a banjo? Ha! - And you thought you knew me. - Argh! Why, this banjo is as dear to me as a member of my own family. Cheap stupid banjo. Ha. Did you think you could disarm me with a broken banjo? That wasn't just any broken banjo. It was a Kookaburra special limited-resonance from Australia. Oh, no. The Klybourn effect of return resonant vibration. You know your music theory. Come to Papa. Wow, that actually worked. You had your chance, cadet but now the nunchucks are on the other foot. You shall receive no mercy. [THUMP AND CAT SCREECHES] Whoops. Well, maybe little mercy. If mercy is not good for you, how about a whole lot of loving? I'll pass. Cadet, remember all we've meant to each other. I never loved you. It was only a job to me. I once had a cadet who knew that being a cadet was more than just a job. I count myself as privileged to have served beside him. So where is he now? Here I am. [GASPS] Chew that scenery, toots. Heh, heh, heh. Cut, cut, cut! Thanks to you, we have to do this whole scene again. NINA: Lucky me. All right, Dodgers our next scene takes place in this re-creation of the Martian desert. But we're on location. This is the Martian desert. Oh, silly me. I guess it is. Those boys in the Set Department do such good work these days. Maybe they should start writing scripts because I can't make heads or tails out of this junk. Look, in this scene, the Martian Queen has declared her undying love and promised to make you the king of Mars. King of Mars? Who would believe such nonsense? This story stinks. Let's be honest, kiddo. This is an action comedy starring a cartoon duck. Nobody cares about the story. So you just listen carefully and follow my instructions because I am the director here! I can't wait to lose this doofus in post. MAN: Duck Dodgers: The Movie. Desert scene, take one. And action! You're lost in the Martian desert. The blazing sun is merciless. You're dying of thirst. [COUGHS] Say, Vermin, who'll be playing the part of the Martian Queen? I must admit, I'm partial to Ms. Marilu Henner. [GROWLS] Yeah, yeah. Stick to the script, Dodgers. You trudge on, but suddenly stop, and discover you're trapped in deadly quicksand. But I'm not trapped in quicksand. Yes. Yes, you are. You're stuck like a helpless little fly trapped by a villainous spider. DODGERS: No, I'm not. It doesn't look like I'm trapped at all. Are you sure this is quicksand? Do you know how much that death trap cost? Well, I'm not sinking. Well, you've gotta give it a chance to kick in. - Nothing. - Maybe if you jump up and down a bit. Uh-uh. Why don't you try struggling? Struggling is good. Help! Help! Somebody, help! Oh, good. Good, baby. Work it. Got to break free. Too much to resist. Jeez, Dodgers, can't you do anything right? Like you could do any better. I could do better. Why, anybody could do better. You see, it's actually quite simple. In fact, I feel it working already. Hey, you're sinking. You're actually sinking. Of course I am. All you have to do is put your mind to it. It's really beautiful, almost an art form the way you do it. HARRY: Why, thank you. I wonder if Marilu has plans for lunch. Yee-ha! HARRY: I hate you, Dodgers. Hate you! Yo, yo, sugar daddy. We've come up with a better way to nail Dodgers. Are you certain this will work, Vermin? Hey, would I kid a psychotic Martian nutjob? I'm glad to be playing the cadet again but how are they gonna explain the change? Well, the writers have got that all figured out. You see, she's being evaporated up to the ship and there's interference from a fierce electrical storm. And tragedy strikes when the evaporator malfunctions. We finally manage to stabilize the situation but it's too late. She's been transformed into a hideous creature. That's where you come in. Maybe I should've spent a little more time at the gym. All right, Dodgers, baby this is the big killer scene where you save the cadet who's been chained to a giant block, from a giant raging astro-dragon. But Captain Dodgers never rescued me from an astro-dragon. Well, he must've done something like that, eh? Well, there was this time when a bee flew dangerously near the cadet and I swatted it with a newspaper. The bee stung me. Perfect. Inspired by true events. MAN: Duck Dodgers: The Movie. Arena scene, take one. Cadet, you're scared. You've been chained to a block. You turn and look at the jeering crowd that will be added later in CG. [ASTRO-DRAGON SNARLING] You hear something. You feel you have to go to the bathroom that'll be added later in CG too. But there's no place to go. You look around but there's no help in sight. Then you see a glimpse of the monster. Is this where I run in and save the day? Look, I'm trying to create dramatic tension. I'll let you know when to go in. The monster enters the arena. Now just go with it. [SNARLING] [GROWLING AND CADET SCREAMING] HARRY: Enter Duck Dodgers! I think, if it's okay with you, I'll let that thing settle down a bit. I said, enter Duck Dodgers! Okay. Somebody is on a power trip. [CADET CONTINUES SCREAMING] Hey, ham bone, knock off the corny screaming. I'm not acting. I think he means business. [ROARING] Hey, Vermin, this is one of those trained astro-dragons, right? Heh, heh. You know, the trained ones are a lot more expensive. Stupid budget cuts. Hey, we're still rolling. Make with the action! I'm not afraid of you. I've got super technology. What's the matter? Afraid of a little fire, scarecrow? I love The Wizard of Oz. All right, I've got you cornered, you big stupid monster. Back into your pen, moron. I thought I told you to buy some new batteries! [ASTRO-DRAGON GROWLING] Poor brave Captain Dodgers. Sacrificing his life that I may live. Unh! He'll be okay, he'll be okay, he'll be okay. - Aah! - Oh, this is priceless. You drop that pig right now. Put him down. You heard me, big fellow, put him down. That's it, nice and easy-like. A little to the left. [ASTRO-DRAGON SPITS] Oh, no. This isn't happening. [ASTRO-DRAGON WHIMPERS] Sit, big red. Good puppy. A little love and discipline was all he needed. Dodgers, what do you think you're doing? You're ruining everything. If I were you, I wouldn't be yelling at me right now. I am the director. Yelling at you is my job! [ROARING] HARRY: Aah! Let me out! Let me out! You'll never eat lunch in this town again! I estimate he'll take 12 to 14 hours to work his way through the digestive track. And I thought the inside of his mouth was gross. That means we have time for a round of golf. HARRY: Hey, we're losing light, people. Everything is going completely according to plan. Heh, heh. COMMANDER: Then Duck Dodgers is finished? Huzzah! Well, it's not exactly "huzzah" time. COMMANDER: Dodgers is still alive, isn't he? But not for long, baby. I think this picture is about to reach its explosive climax. All right, kid, this is it. The most important scene of all. Is this where I put my space-captain career aside to pursue my dreams in the food industry? Even better. In this scene, you get to defuse a big, giant bomb. Wow, that's a Pluto Nash-sized bomb. That's right, junior. And if you don't defuse this baby, it's gonna destroy the rain forest. Not the rain forest. Here's the instruction book. You got 60 seconds or you can forget the ring-tailed lemur. Good luck. And action! Ha, ha, ha. Hello, Martian moolah. MAN: Duck Dodgers: The Movie. Big kablooey scene, take one. [BOMB BEEPING] Less than a minute, huh? Should be plenty of time. [LAUGHING] I don't know why Vermin gave me this instruction book. I'm pretty sure it's written in Chinese. I can't see anything with all these spare parts in the way. [LAUGHING] Hm. This might be useful. Nope, just made a mess. I wonder what would happen if I filled it with feral cats? Ha. These Baby Huey comics get funnier every year. Ha, ha, ha. Captain Dodgers, shouldn't you be defusing the bomb? Defusing the bomb? Any second now and kablooey. DODGERS: More unnecessary junk. [BEEPING] Three, two, one. What, no kablooey? But there's gotta be a kablooey. What did you do to my bomb? - I defused it. - Heh, heh. You what? Just a simple matter of disconnecting that blue wire thingy. Oh, well, I'll be in my trailer. What blue wire thingy? Don't you ever watch the movies? It's never the blue wire thingy. You always have to disconnect the red wire thingy. Like so: - Did you hear something? HARRY: Unh. I surrender, Dodgers. Harry Vermin knows when he's beaten. Me and the Martian had this whole scam worked up to do you in. What Martian? You know, little guy, head like a bowling ball. That jerk. Now look at my studio. I'll never finish this picture. Gee, I hate to see a homicidal megalomaniac so depressed. - Mr. Vermin? - What is it, kid? I once took a film class at a community college. Maybe I can do something with the footage you shot. Do you think so? [CROWD CHEERING] Ah! There he is. Duck Dodgers! ALL: Oh, Dodgers. What a man. You hear that, cadet? I'm a star. Those girls work for the studio. Oh, Mr. Vermin, your movie looks fantastic. It sure is. Pay attention to the bit at the end with the flashbacks. That was all me. Hey, hey, the superstars are here. Cadet, I love that bit at the end with the flashbacks. Heh, heh, heh. I stole it from a peanut butter commercial. And you catch on quick. We better get in. The show is about to start. [CROWD MURMURING] [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON FILM] Here it comes. My name in lights. [CROWD CHEERING] What? How could you do this to me? He's a bankable star talent. COMMANDER: Shh! I'm trying to watch the picture. Dodgers may live, but due to my initial investment I at least stand to make a financial killing. [English - US -SDH]