Dragon Nuts

It's alive! - Man, Greg is really pissin' me off. - Big Greg or little Greg? - Little Greg in Accounting. - Yeah, he's a prick. To 25 years of marriage. To evil! To 30 days of sobriety. Oh, crap. ¤ When you wake up in the morning what's the first thing that you see? ¤ ¤ It's your morning wood ¤ ¤ Morning wood ¤ Well, hello, morning wood! Billy, were you playing with your morning wood? No. No need to be embarrassed, honey. Your dad has morning wood, too. ¤ Look around your neighborhood ¤ ¤ Everybody has morning wood ¤ Hello, I'm Bruce Campbell and I can't start my day without waxing my morning wood. Morning wood. From the makers of slow dance chubby. If Bill Gates offered you a billion dollars to be his ass slave for a year, would you do it? No way! Never. Ass slave? Are you kidding me? OK. Mike, how much would it take for someone to run over your nuts? Two million dollars. Done! Now, I'm gonna get the money, promise? Of course, dude. You rule. It's heavier than I thought! I can do a nut transplant but it'll cost exactly two million dollars. Oh, man. - Plus tax. - Oh, man! Welcome home, dude. You're a legend to us, hombre, but everyone else thinks you're nuts. Nuts! Get it? It took me a month to come up with that. Oh, my God! Damn it, doctor, what did you do to me? I'm sorry, Mike, all we had to transplant were the nuts of a serial killer. No! Idle Nuts, starring Jessica Alba. You know, I'd want to attack you with my nuts even if they weren't possessed. Thanks? Also starring Seth Green. I'm a pot smokin' corpse, bottle in my head! Gotta stop the madness! Hi, I'm Bill Gates. I heard you take insane bets and wondered if you'd be my ass slave for a billion dollars? I'll get my coat. They said it could never happen, but they were wrong. Shiver with fear as the abomination runs amok. Giant midget. Run! Tremble with terror when the creature cannot be stopped. Witness the beast devouring everything in his path. Nothing is beyond his reach - Yes, a mermaid! - This hook hurts. Now give me my three wishes. What the hell are you talking about? There's a hook in my face! You mean mermaids don't grant wishes? That's genies, you ass. Oh, man. I've wasted the last 20 years of my life. However, I happen to be a genie who only looks like a mermaid. What a twist. I'm Bruce Wayne. My knee! I'm so bored, Falkor. Is anything going on tonight? Nothing, Atreyu. Nothing. What's Bastian up to? "And then the boy took a big crap. " Hey, I'm taking a big crap. Everyone in Fantasia's doing nothing. It's like we've been hit by a nothing storm! I think it's time for a neverending party! ¤ Friday night ¤ ¤ Boring as can be ¤ ¤ Buy some booze ¤ ¤ Every cheap 40 ¤ ¤ Call up all the crazy ¤ Those look like big, strong hands. - Don't they? - Can you open this for me? Spray it all over me! We are so wasted. Say my name, Bastian. Say my name! This party is ending right now! West side. ¤ Neverending party ¤ Good evening, Omaha. And oma how are ya? It's flu season. Ross Hathaway has the story. Flu season means trips to the pharmacy, missed work and kids coming home with crusty shirt sleeves. But surprisingly, giant robots are the hardest hit. The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers offer great health insurance. But even a Ranger can get the flu and call in sick. Being a Zord down really leaves the Rangers in a bad way. Also effected was Voltron. And the menacing Devastator. We now take you to our eye in the sky for today's live car chase. Officers are in pursuit of a white sports car which failed to yield for a routine traffic stop. Good Lord! The sports car now appears to be on fire! No, it's a smoke screen! I've never seen anything like this. More later as the story develops. Now, shocking amateur news footage acquired by this program so that we may shock you with it. - Give me that! - No! Help, police! There's no need to fear. Underdog is here! Holy fucking shit balls! You're a talkin' dog! A talking dog? Really? Great ass fucking Moses! Can you speak? Can you say something, doggie? OK. There's no need He talks! He really talks! A fucking talking dog! That's it holy - The dog can fly! - And it flies! And now, the weather with chief meteorologist Paris Hilton. - It's hot. - My ear is saying something to me. There's new developments in that freeway police chase. The sports car is now tailgating a semi truck. Holy He's apparently got himself an accomplice But wait a minute, there he is. He's back on the road. Oh, my God! He just destroyed that helicopter with some sort of ground-to-air missile! Apparently, that was the traffic helicopter from our associates at Channel 5. Our hearts go out to their entire news team. Once loveable, the Shirt Tales are causing controversy at the local zoo with their new T-shirts. Look, man, you can't reach kids these days with crap slogans like "hug me. " Yeah! If it grows in the ground, it was meant for me. That's right, sweetheart. What can I do? Every time I chase them the Shirt Tales take off in that fucking flying car of theirs. Son of a bitch! I'm just getting word that police are closing in on the killer sports car. Why don't motorists realize they just can't outrun the police? Unless they have a speedboat like the one he's taking off in right now! Ladies and gentlemen, we're getting word of panic throughout the city. We turn to our internet expert for more. A new worm is deleting not only the porn on people's hard drives but all the porn on the internet entirely. We're now seeing live footage from downtown Boston where social order has completely broken down. I was only halfway done. Halfway done! We now take you to the White House, where a press conference is underway. My fellow Americans, I give you my word that the United States of America will find, capture, and punish those responsible for this great national tragedy. And if the perpetrators are listenin', I have only this to say. It's not funny, man. Give us back our porn.