The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification

Scene: The apartment. Sheldon has a series of whiteboards across the room.

Leonard: Whatcha doin’ there? Working on a new plan to catch the roadrunner?

Sheldon: The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?

Leonard: Yes.

Sheldon: And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?

Leonard: Yes.

Sheldon: What I’m doing here is trying to determine when I’m going to die.

Leonard: A lot of people are working on that research. So what is all this?

Sheldon: My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera.

Leonard: Interesting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB. What’s KBB?

Sheldon: Killed by badger.

Leonard: How’s that?

Sheldon: It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there’s a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.

Leonard: I don’t think you need to worry about death by badgers being hereditary.

Sheldon: Not true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who’s to say that I don’t share that flawed DNA?

Leonard: You can always get a badger and find out.

Sheldon: But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left.

Leonard: That long, huh?

Sheldon: 60 only takes me to here. I need to get to here.

Leonard: What’s there?

Sheldon: The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality.

Leonard: So, you’re upset about missing out on becoming some sort of freakish self-aware robot?

Sheldon: By this much.

Leonard: Tough break. You want eggs?

Sheldon: You don’t get it, Leonard. I’m going to miss so much, the unified field theory,  cold fusion, the dogapus.

Leonard: What’s a dogapus?

Sheldon: A hybrid dog and octopus. Man’s underwater best friend.

Leonard: Is somebody working on that?

Sheldon: I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself on my 300th birthday.

Leonard: Wait a minute. You hate dogs.

Sheldon: A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that.

Credits sequence.

Scene: The apartment.

Howard: What do we owe you?

Leonard: It came to $28.17. Let’s say six bucks apiece.

Howard: Here you go.

Leonard: Thank you.

Penny: What?

Leonard: Never mind. I got it.

Penny: Oh, you wanted me to pay.

Leonard: It’s no big deal.

Penny: No, no, no, no. You’re right. We’re not going out anymore, I should pay for myself. (After Raj whispers to Howard, and Howard laughs) What?

Howard: He said if he had woman parts, he’d eat for free the rest of his life.

Penny: Yeah, but you wouldn’t be able to talk to yourself. I’m a little low on cash.

Leonard: Hmm? How much you got?

Penny: Nothing.

Leonard: How can you walk around with no money?

Penny: I’m cute. I get by.

Leonard: It’s okay, you can owe me.

Penny: Okay.

Leonard: Sheldon, six bucks.

Sheldon: No, thank you. I’m not eating pizza tonight.

Penny: But it’s Thursday. Thursday’s pizza night.

Sheldon: Not for me. Thursday is now Cruciferous Vegetable Night. Tonight’s selection, brussels sprouts.

Howard: Really? You’re changing the Sheldonian calendar?

Sheldon: It’s a small price to pay.

Penny: For what?

Leonard: No, no, don’t ask.

Penny: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Sheldon: In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.

Penny: Wait. Cybernetics is robot stuff, right?

Sheldon: Correct.

Penny: So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot?

Sheldon: Essentially, yes.

Penny: Okay, here’s my question. Didn’t you already do that?

Sheldon: Flattering, but sadly, no. I’m also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system. AKA jogging.

Penny: Wait. Honey,have you ever run before?

Sheldon: Certainly. I’ve run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.

Howard (after Raj whispers to him): You’re right, Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.

Sheldon: That’s an excellent idea. Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.

Penny: No, it won’t. Um, how does he know I jog?

Howard: Oh, he watches you from his car with high-powered binoculars.

Penny: Oh, my God, that is so creepy!

Howard: I know! (Raj whispers to him) And he says he’s not gonna stop. (Raj whispers to him urgently) Then see a shrink and figure out how to talk to women.

Scene: Leonard’s bedroom

Sheldon (off): (Knock, knock, knock) Ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) U-u-ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) Lenu-u-ugh.

Leonard: What the hell? What’s the matter?

Sheldon: I have pain radiating from my navel to my lower right abdomen. I’m nauseated and feverish. I believe I may have cholera.

Leonard: There’s no cholera in Pasadena. Just like last summer, when there was no malaria in Pasadena.

Sheldon: Well, if it’s not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung’s Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms.

Leonard: When would you have accidentally eaten chrysanthemum blossoms?

Sheldon: It’s part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than-vigilant proprietor. Oh, Lord, my belly!

Leonard: Have you had your appendix out?

Sheldon: I haven’t. I’ve been meaning to, but who has the time?

Leonard: Let’s get you to the hospital.

Sheldon: So this is how it ends, with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?

Leonard: No.

Sheldon: I do. And yet I’m doomed while you live on.

Leonard: Funny how things work out, isn’t it?

Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I think it’s about to burst! (Loud sound of farting) On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.

Leonard: Good night.

Sheldon: Good night. Appendicitis. What a nervous Nelly.

Scene: The hallway.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

Penny: Coming, coming. Hey, nice knees.

Sheldon: Thank you. They’re my mother’s.

Penny: Oh. And the Flash shirt is what? Because you’re gonna run really fast?

Sheldon: No, the Flash shirt is because it’s Friday, but it’s nice when things work out. Where’s your heart rate monitor?

Penny: I don’t have one.

Sheldon: What about your pedometer?

Penny: Don’t have one.

Sheldon: Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?

Penny: Uh, no.

Sheldon: What do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?

Penny: No. I just run till I’m hungry, then I stop for a bear claw.

Sheldon: Why are you doing that?

Penny: It’s good to stretch your muscles before you run.

Sheldon: All right.

Penny: All right, let’s start with a toe touch. Okay, you do it.

Sheldon: I am doing it.

Penny: Oh. Wow. Good job. Okay, um, can you do this?

Sheldon: We’ll never know.

Penny: Okay, let’s just warm up on the run.

Sheldon: Okay.

Penny: Okay, let’s go.

Sheldon: Yeah, I’ve been reading up on biomechanics. I think you’ll be surprised at my… Wah! Oh!

Penny (squealing): Oh, my God, are you okay?

Sheldon: I think so.

Penny: Oh, let me help you up.

Sheldon: Thank you. (Loud sound of farting)

Penny: Oh, Sheldon!

Sheldon: If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer Cruciferous Vegetable Night.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: Here’s my chicken curry. Howard, your shrimp biryani.

Howard: Thank you, sir.

Leonard: Palak paneer, that’s Penny.

Penny: Thanks.

Leonard: And for Rajesh Koothrappali, from whose homeland these tasty dishes originate, one large order of chicken McNuggets.

Penny: Hey, what’s my share?

Leonard: Uh, 12 bucks.

Penny: Okay, can I get you after Friday when I get paid?

Leonard: Sure.

Penny: What am I up to now?

Leonard: Well, okay, with the Indian food, the pizza, the Thai food, the tank of gas, the frozen yogurt and your rent, uh, a little over fourteen hundred dollars.

Penny (after Raj whispers to Howard and they both laugh): What now?

Howard: He’s just expressing his admiration that you don’t even have to put out to get free stuff.

Penny: It’s not free, I’m gonna pay him back. (Raj whispers. Both laugh again) Shut up!

Leonard: Sheldon, are you gonna join us?

Sheldon: Coming! (From the bedroom area, a wheeled device consisting of a base, a tee-shirt on a coat hanger, and a computer monitor with Sheldon’s face, appears). Greetings, friends.

Leonard: Greetings, whatever the hell you are.

Sheldon-bot: I am a mobile virtual presence device. Recent events have demonstrated to me that my body is too fragile to endure the vicissitudes of the world. Until such time as I am able to transfer my consciousness, I shall remain in a secure location and interact with the world in this manner.

Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Really? That’s your question? When did he put a ramp in?

Sheldon-bot: You’re in my spot. This may seem a little odd at first, but over time you’ll grow accustomed to dealing with me in this configuration.

Penny: Yeah, to be honest, I don’t see much difference.

Sheldon-bot: Thank you. That’s what I was going for. Now, Leonard, tomorrow, when we go to work, you’ll need to allow some extra time to get me down the stairs. For your convenience, I disassemble into four pieces.

Leonard: This is ridiculous. I’m coming to talk to you.

Sheldon-bot: You don’t know where I am. My physical body is safely ensconced in a secure, undisclosed location.

Leonard: You’re in your bedroom.

Sheldon-bot: No, I’m not.

Leonard: I can hear your voice coming from your bedroom.

Sheldon-bot: No, you can’t. Wait. Come back. Halt. Authorized personnel only!

Penny: So, either one of you weirdos want to buy my underwear? Only fourteen hundred bucks.

Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.

Leonard: Sheldon, this is ridiculous.

Sheldon: I’m behind you. Please look at me when you’re talking to me.

Leonard: I am looking at you.

Sheldon: No, you’re not. Pay no attention to that man in the bed.

Leonard: You cannot exist as a virtual presence. Not here and certainly not at work. Oh, good God.

Sheldon: At my age, do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die?

Leonard: At the hands of your roommate?

Sheldon: An accident.

Leonard: That’s how I’m going to make it look.

Sheldon: Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed.

Leonard: Fine, but don’t expect my help.

Sheldon: You have to help, it’s in the roommate agreement.

Leonard: No, it’s not.

Sheldon: Section 74.C. The various obligations and duties of the parties in the event one of them becomes a robot.

Leonard: I’ll be damned.

Scene: Leonard’s car

Sheldon-bot: This is delightful.

Leonard: Uh-huh.

Sheldon-bot: It’s much easier to enjoy the picturesque route we travel to work when you remove the spectre of fiery vehicular death.

Leonard: Refresh my memory. Why didn’t I just put you in the trunk?

Sheldon-bot: Because I called shotgun. Remember?

Leonard: Right.

Sheldon-bot: You seem tense. Perhaps this will relax you.

Leonard: I don’t want to listen to music, Sheldon.

Sheldon-bot: Very well. I don’t understand why you’re not enjoying this. Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, we’re like Knight Rider.

Leonard: Except in Knight Rider, the car isn’t a yammering sphincter.

Sheldon-bot: You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn’t survive. There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body. How many can you name?

Leonard: I was wrong, this is exactly like Knight Rider.

Sheldon-bot: Perhaps you’d be interested in a different game.

Leonard: No.

Sheldon-bot: This is a photograph of the 1911 Solvay Conference on the theory of radiation and quanta. Using Photoshop, I’ve introduced a few anachronisms. See if you can spot all 24. I’ll give you the first one. Madame Curie should not be wearing a digital watch. And go.

Leonard: That’s it. Bye-bye. (Turns off screen.)

Sheldon-bot (screen switching itself back on): Bazinga.

Leonard: Whoa!

Sheldon-bot: I have an override switch.

Leonard: I almost died!

Sheldon-bot : And I’m safe and sound in bed. Who’s crazy now?

Leonard: I’m still going to go with you.

Scene: A corridor at the university.

Sheldon-bot : Hello, Professor Hoskins. Nice to see you, Mindy. Konichi-wa Dr. Nakamora. Sorry the Swedes disproved your theory. Leonard, my door.

Leonard: What about it?

Sheldon-bot : Be a lamb and open it for me.

Leonard: Why? What’s the problem?

Sheldon-bot : You think you have me stymied, don’t you?

Leonard: No, I think a doorknob has you stymied.

Howard: Oh, look, it’s Leonard and R2-D-Bag.

Raj: That’s my joke. I told it last night. You can’t just use it.

Sheldon-bot : Raj, be a lamb and open the door for me.

Raj: Oh, sure.

Sheldon-bot : He’s a lamb. You’re not.

Raj: I’m a lamb.

Scene: The Cheesecake Factory

Sheldon-bot : Isn’t this nice? The pleasures of fellowship and camaraderie without having to tolerate your germy breath on my skin.

Howard: I say we just take him to Tatooine and sell him to some Jawas.

Raj: That’s two, dude. Write your own jokes.

Penny: Oh, great. Hi, I’m Penny, I’ll be your waitress.

Leonard: Why are you introducing yourself?

Penny: I’d rather people not know I have any prior connection to you whatsoever.

Sheldon-bot : Can you tell me the specials this evening?

Penny: Sheldon, I’m not waiting on you.

Sheldon-bot: Obviously. I don’t even have water yet.

Penny: Because you’re not here.

Sheldon-bot: That’s discrimination against the otherwise located. I’m going to have to go over your head. Manager, manager. Oh, Lord, look who it is.

Howard: Is that Steve Wozniak?

Leonard: I think it is.

Sheldon-bot : The Great and Powerful Woz.

Leonard: Penny, Steve Wozniak was one of the cofounders of Apple Computer. He and Steve Jobs started it…

Penny: Yeah, I know who he is. I watch Dancing with the Stars.

Sheldon-bot : I must speak to him.

Leonard: Of course you must.

Penny: You know, there’s an Olive Garden down the street. You guys should try it sometime.

Sheldon-bot : Excuse me, Mr. Wozniak?

Steve Wozniak: Oh, hey. Nice virtual presence device.

Sheldon-bot : Thank you. I just want to say I’m a big fan. You’re my fifteenth favourite technological visionary.

Steve Wozniak: Only fifteenth?

Sheldon-bot : It’s still six spots above Steve Jobs. I care neither for turtlenecks nor showmanship.

Steve Wozniak: Yeah, I never got that turtleneck thing.

Sheldon-bot : One of my proudest possessions is a vintage 1977 Apple Two. Despite the file system limitations of Apple DOS 3.3, it was a pretty nifty little achievement.

Steve Wozniak: Thanks, we were shooting for nifty. You know, if you had it here, I’d autograph it for you.

Sheldon-bot: Don’t move for 15 to 30 minutes, depending on how the buses are running.

Steve Wozniak: Nerds.

Scene: The hallway. Sheldon exits carrying the Apple 2.

Sheldon: I’m coming, Woz, I’m coming. (Trips on stairs.) Ow! Aw.

Scene: The hallway. Sheldon-bot approaches Penny’s door and starts bashing into it.

Sheldon-bot : (Bash) Penny. (Bash) Penny. (Bash) Penny.

Penny: What up, Shel-Bot?

Sheldon-bot: I can’t get out of bed. I hurt my ankle.

Penny: What do you want me to do?

Sheldon-bot: Sing me Soft Kitty.

Penny: Really, you want me to sing Soft Kitty to a computer monitor?

Sheldon-bot: Would you rather come over and sing it to me in person?

Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.

Sheldon-bot: Closer to the microphone.

Penny: Happy kitty, sleepy…

Sheldon-bot: No. You have to start over.

Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.