Back 2 School

Cory, let's go! You wanna be late for your first day of high school? Alan, don't yell at him. He's probably a nervous wreck. Hey, Mom! Hey, Dad! How ya doing? - Hey, Morgan, lookin' short. - Go back to camp, loser. - Cor, you're not? - A nervous wreck? No, because I know my place. I understand where I am in the high school universe. See, I'm starting off a nothing - a zero. A big booger. You know how you tell me, the earlier I do my homework, - the better I'll know the stuff? - You've done homework? It's a metaphor. But all summer long, I bugged Eric about what high school's gonna be like. - And I took notes. - Ooh impressive. Thank you. So, how do I avoid years and years of abuse and humiliation? Don't get married. - It's a metaphor. - All right, here's my plan. Today I make friends with the most feared and influential senior in high school - Harley Keiner. And in one master stroke, I go from lowly first year victim, to Harley's most trusted advisor. Cor, as proud as I'd be to see you become Harley's toady footstool, you don't have to reinvent yourself for high school. Yeah, really, relax. Go, enjoy it. You don't need a plan. Nobody else has a plan. Cory, I lost my copy of the plan. I knew I shouldn't have left the old school. I was so cool in the old school. They had no right to pass me. I am an idiot! See? Shawn's not reinventing himself. Shawn are those sideburns? You mean the ones on my face? It's just that when you saw you yesterday, they weren't on your face, were they? Mrs. Matthews, you just can't accept the fact that Cory and I are growing up. And we're old enough now to buy our own hair. - You've got a glue spot on your cheek. - Oh OK, thanks. All right, look, we've got all the answers to high school right here. - Having a big brother finally paid off. - Cor, sign this. "With regard to my brother, Eric Matthews, hereafter referred to as 'Oh, Great One,' I, Cory Matthews, hereafter referred to as 'insignificant speck,' pledge never to contact the "Great One", verbally or non-verbally, during any and all school hours, from this day forward, forever and ever. " Amen. Nice to see you're looking out for your brother on his first day. Dad, word gets out I'm related to a seventh grader, I lose all my status. I mean, I might as well just strap on a tuba and join the band. So your social status means more to you than your brother? Mom, look, I don't like walking all over Cory any more than you do. It's just to keep up appearances. I mean, he's my brother. Of course I love him. Amy, Alan etcetera. So Mr. Feeny, are you feeling any regret that you're losing us from your class? No. What can we do for you, George? There is a large, rusty object, blocking not only my driveway, - but most of the light into my kitchen. - That's my new car. May I assume it moves? Sure, like the wind. Especially downhill. Oh, you want me to move it? Well, we certainly can't count on anyone stealing it. You know, it just hit me. High school means we're through with Feeny. This is the greatest day of our lives. - Yes! - Yes! (both) How do you do Do, do, do You know what, Shawn? - We're in high school now. - Yeah, we do have to be cooler. (both) Hey! - Ooh, yeah - Gotcha! (both) Oh, give it to me! Ooh, yeow, yeah! Dude This is it - high school. What happens to us now will determine our entire futures. - This is it! - Ouch! Ooh High school! What happens to us now will determine our entire futures. Are my sideburns on straight? Shawn, what are you worried about? Look, it's just a school. There's no lockers. There's a class and a kid in his underwear. - They took my clothes! - Who? - Seniors. Seniors took my clothes. - Why? Just 'cause I'm a new guy. - Well, I'm a new guy. - Well, good luck to ya. - Uh, Cor? - No, no. Don't worry about it. He must've had it coming. He must've done something Hey! - What did I do?! - You were almost in my way. You're Frankie Stecchino, right? - Yeah, how'd you know? - "Strong territorial sense. " We are just looking for our homeroom, you know? It's in there. - In there? - Right there. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hey, I'm the first one here. And now for you. Why was you almost in my way? You know, if I was in my homeroom, I wouldn't be anywhere near your way. - Huh? - I think he's saying, that if he was someplace else, he wouldn't be here. What? You saying I'm gay? No. No, I didn't say that. Come on, let's finish him off. No, I need to be alone with my thoughts. - I think we can go now. - No, thanks. I think I feel a lot safer in here. But the view is better out here. Shawn, if Harley Keiner's the biggest and meanest, then who are those two who almost killed us? What if they were the nice guys? What if they're the welcoming committee? What is this place? - Hi. - Topanga! - What's with you guys? - We just missed you, that's all. Walk in front of us. - What are you staring at? - Uh nothing. - New blouse? - Yeah, I got it over the summer. Summer was very good to you. - Yeah, well, at least what I grew is real. - Ouch! (bell ringing) That's homeroom. I checked the list, we're all together. Room 218. We have Mr. Turner. Turner Turner He's not on here. What if he was so bad, Eric didn't want to tell me anything? What if he was just like Feeny? Only Feenier. Teachers - the one thing here, I am not afraid of. I haven't met one yet that I couldn't take down. - Hey! - (all) Hey. That is Harley, I know it. That is Harley Keiner. - That guy's gotta be 30 years old. - He's a lifer. I think I made a very good first impression. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sir? My name's Cory Matthews - and I want to be your friend. - Cool. Yeah. I'll hold your coat for you, I'll stand in lunch line for you. - I'll even do detention for you. - Yeah, nice offer. Why don't you just do the homework? I'm not sure you want me doing your homework. I want all my students doing the homework. You're so mean they gave you students? They give all the teachers students. I'm Jonathan Turner. You can call me "Mr. " (bell ringing) You're late. OK, I'm here for homeroom. I'm here for English and I'm here anytime you just wanna talk. - Cool. - Did I say you could talk? - I thought so - You trouble, Matthews? You the guy who's gonna bring down the new teacher? No, sir, that would be Shawn. - I mean that - No, Matthews. Good man, good man. Shawn Wait, don't tell me. Don't tell me. Now, if Shawn is real trouble, Shawn is really gonna try to avoid making eye contact with Hi, Shawn. - How ya doing? - I'm good. So, Shawn, buddy You know anything about The Odyssey? - Yes, I do. - Yeah, besides that it's a book. No, I don't. OK. Who knows what "odyssey" means? - What's your name? - Topanga. - Topanga. - It means a difficult journey. Yes, it does. An epic journey. About a guy just trying to get home alive. In fantasy worlds, with characters who have these ancient notions - about loyalty and heroism. - Yeah, who wants to read that? Yeah, apparently you do. - What is that, X-Men? - No, it's What, I don't know X-Men when I see it? It's a great issue, wasn't it? - You read X-Men? - Do I read X-Men? Fantasy worlds, epic heroism Yeah, I read X-Men. In fact, let's all read X-Men. Your assignment is to read The Odyssey and this issue of X-Men. Finally! A cool teacher. My friend, Mr. Matthews, will lead the discussion on the similarities and the differences. Feeny with an earring. Shawn, he's on to us. He singled us out on the first day. No, Cory. He singled you out on the first day. - You singled me out. - Sorry. So, where's the next stop on this misery bus? Uh Earth Science. Let's go. - (bell ringing) - I don't have Earth Science. I've got History. - You mean - We're gonna be separated? - No! Shawn! - No! Cory! Friday, Dylan's parents are going out of town and Hey, Eric! You know me? I heard of you. Eric Matthews, right? Cool junior. Only child. Yeah, everybody's heard of you. Even insignificant specks like me, who are having the worst possible day of their lives. - I don't care. - Thanks. See ya. So Harley, last year of high school again, huh? - Thinking about going to college? - Yeah. This year I might even take the SOTs. Harley Keiner? How the heck are ya? How the heck am I? Kill him. Hey, look, it's the kid from when you were scared. What? I need time. Look, Harley, I'll make this short and sweet. Everyone knows you're a tough guy, a vicious guy. But that's all they know. If you made friends with a seventh grader and just, you know, looked out for him all year, everyone would like you even more. - What's your name, kid? - Cory Matthews. Nah that's a poufy name. If you're gonna hang with me, you've gotta have a name that inspires fear and respect. Let me look at you. I got it. From now on, you are Johnny Baboon. Cool. The bell rang, gentlemen, several minutes ago. What are you doing in the hall? You shouldn't be in the hall. What's your name? Johnny Baboon. You're making fun of me? Nobody makes fun of Marion Stimpleman! (mocking) Marion. To the principal's office, both of you. - What did I do, Marion? - You're with him, Keiner. You should learn to pick your friends better. OK, we will see the principal in alphabetical order. OK, you first, Baboon. I only wanted us to be liked. Now I'm Johnny Baboon. - At least my life can't get any worse. - Wrong again Mr. Baboon - Mr. Feeny? - The legend continues. - Wait, you're the principal here? - Acting principal. Oh, so that means you're only temporary, right? I mean, you don't have the full authority to authorize, let's say, detention or caning? No, the school board in it's infinite wisdom has seen fit to give me full authority. Now, then, Mr. Stimpleman, what exactly did Mr. Matthews do? Got on my nerves. I can't imagine. Well, Mr. Matthews, why don't we treat this little rendezvous as a dress rehearsal for the many visits we'll undoubtedly have this year. - Huh? - Get out of my face. Oh, sure. My next class is, uh, American History with Mr. Fee Mr. Fe Fe (bell ringing) You're late. So, Johnny, I just wanted to thank you for the chance of meeting our new school principal and getting detention all week with my good friend, Marion. - I'm very, very sorry. - Oh, think nothing of it. By the way, Johnny B., do you think you could meet me in the senior bathroom, - say around 3:00? - Sure. What for, gang pictures? No, when I get through killing you, you won't be so photogenic. - You're gonna kill me? - Oh, yeah oh, yeah. I really, really, really am. But not until 3:00. Enjoy your lunch. - Ah, Mr. Turner, if I might have a word? - Yeah, sit down. And the word I believe would be "Shazam!" Yes, George, I did assign a classic comic book. I realize that you're the new "groovy" teacher and I'm the hard-bound traditionalist. I just thought I might use the material to sort of relate to them on their level. Oh. Mr. Turner, their level is the level of the Beasts of the Field. I want them off that level and closer to our level or should I say my level. - George? - Mm-hmm? You really think I'm a groovy teacher? I think, Mr. Turner, it shall be an interesting school year. Well, we got off to a rocky start, but at least we made it to lunch. Aah! Well, you got off to a rocky start, but at least you made it to lunch. Yep, my last meal. Chicken. How appropriate. You know, I wish it'd been macaroni and cheese. Because when Harley punches me and I puke on him, it makes a bigger mess. Good thinking. Here's better thinking - ask your brother for help. I can't. I signed that contract. - You got a car, the new Mustang? - Yeah. Uh only a little older and a little bigger. It's the new Mustang-Buick. - Psst! Oh, great one - What are you doing here, Shawn? I-I'm just calling him that. I don't know that his name is Shawn or anything. Too bad. - Well? - OK, it's about your brother. It's school hours. I have no brother. Yeah, and at 3:00, you'll really have no brother. Make this quick. Help! How could you possibly get into this much trouble in one day? It didn't take me a whole day. All right, look Last bell, head straight to the nurse's office. Tell them you're sick. You have to have Mom and Dad come and pick you up. - Won't I look like a coward? - Yeah, you will. So why don't you fight him? All right, who took the last piece of chicken?! I'm gonna kill the guy who took the last piece of chicken. And the nurse's office is where? Do not attempt to recontact me. So, what do you got? Oh, you know, I got fever and chills and the fluttering pelvis. - I got a broken nose. - Got that. - Sprained arm. - Got that. - And I got asthma. - Ooh We're just gonna wait here in the nurse's office - until our parents or guardians pick us up. - That's what we're gonna do everyday. You're gonna sit in the nurse's office everyday? - It's safe. - Safe. We like safe. Aren't you worried what other guys will think? - I mean, that they'll think you're - Cowards? So, cowards. We're only gonna be in this school six years. No big deal. You know, I'm not gonna sit here and fake an injury like a coward. - I'm gonna go get a real one. - (bell ringing) Wow, 3:00! We made it through the day. - Who's next? - Ouch! Lucky. Hey, Matthews, we survived day one, huh? The day is young, Sir and so was I. - I'll see you tomorrow. - Yeah, I'll be the one face-up in the suit. You OK, Matthews? You know, Mr. Turner, you know that book you gave us, The Odyssey? - Yeah. - Did the guy in that get home alive? Yes, he did. He gets past the Cyclops, the evil sirens and the clashing rocks. Did he go to this high school? - No. - He's a nothing. I'll see you tomorrow. Got here as quick as I could. I want you to know, that whatever happens, I'm right here with you. Thanks, Shawn, but I'm pretty sure this is something I gotta face alone. Well, I don't know. It just doesn't feel right leaving you here. - There you are, Shawn. - Now it feels right. Well, it's five after three. Maybe he's not gonna show. And maybe I'm just trying to be casually late, Mr. Anal-compulsive. Look, don't toy with me. I was looking forward to high school. I had a plan. I gave you a chance to change your whole future, and not be a guy who beats up on kids who are smaller than you, for the rest of your life. - You're giving me that chance? - Yeah. Well, here I stand at the crossroads of my life. Yet, I am what I am, and I must kill you. Aren't you gonna run or whine or something? - No. - Oh? I am what I am, too. I'd rather be dead than be the school coward for the next six years. - You done? - Guess I am. Guess again! - What are you doing here? - I have no idea. But I do know that I'm not gonna stand by and let you beat up somebody that I don't even know at all. - OK, OK, he's my brother. - Oh - This is your brother? - Didn't he just say that? Did not he just say I'm his brother? - Just how stupid - Cory, don't provoke. Well, how sweet. A chance to wipe out the whole Baboon family. We gotta hose the place down. Who the heck are you? Oh, I'm your worst nightmare. I'm a teacher. Oh, a teacher. No wonder I don't recognize ya. - What do you teach? - English Lit and kick boxing. - What seems to be the problem? - Nothing. We were working it out. Actually, it looks like you're about to pound this kid into the ground. See that's a problem for me. 'Cause if one of my students gets killed the first day- I look bad. People start to talk, I get a reputation. I'm careless with students, you know? So do me a favor, don't kill my student. - Could I take you? - Nah. - But I could've taken the kid though. - Good for you. So, Odysseus, looks like you may get home safely. - Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow. - Read the book. I lived it. - Hey, Eric, I want to tell you something. - What do you want to say to me? Thanks for being my brother. Do I know you? Shawn Shawn, you can come out. The fight's over. Our high school reputations are set. I'm still working on mine. Big lockers in high school. (door opens) Ladies and gentlemen, moms, dads and weasels I give you the man who said he didn't have a brother. The man who said he didn't know me. Eric "The Great One" Matthews! Aw, some goon at school was trying to pick on Cory. Just because he's bigger than him. Don't you hate that? I hate that! - I know, I hate that too. - Who asked you, speck? Give me this. - Hey, I'm watching that. - What?! - I'm just trying - Hey, don't hit the kids. Hey, everybody be quiet. I'm trying to watch TV. That's power.