When Chaos Comes Calling

(Setting: Morbia, in Mirage’s palace.)

Mirage: (evil laughter, watching a ship in a storm in a crystal ball) Oh dear! My little storm is sinking the king’s ship, and now his country will plunge into civil war! (evil laughter) Ah, chalk up another one for the forces of evil. Now, let’s see what other hopes are due for demolition. (picture in crystal changes to show Agrabah) Agrabah! I have tried everything to crush the will of its people, but always that insufferable Aladdin arrives to restore their faith.

(A mummy case behind Mirage grows eyes, which float away, following Mirage.)

Mirage: But I swear I will triumph!

Chaos: You know, the problem with you evil elementals is that you’re always obsessing. (the eyes grow a mouth to go with them)

Mirage: Chaos!

Chaos: Crush this, destroy that, kill her, maim him. (the eyes and mouth grow a blue cat head) I for one like a change in routine, don’t you?

(A portal opens above Mirage’s head, dropping water on her.)

Mirage: Oh! Oh! (starts coughing)

Chaos: Ooh, that’s a nasty perspiration problem you have there.

Mirage: How dare you come in here...!

Chaos: Careful, kitten! (there is a flash of lightning, and a gust of wind blows past, drying Mirage; Chaos’s whole body, a blue cat with wings, appears and sits on Mirage’s throne) I might think you don’t want me here.

Mirage: Ah, I am sorry, Lord Chaos. (bows) Your surprise was... delightful.

Chaos: Wasn't it though? Now, is this the bauble that’s causing you distress?

Mirage: Yes! How can I make men despair when that remains to inspire them?

Chaos: Inspiring? I like inspiration. Maybe I’ll visit it someday.

Mirage: No, you wouldn’t want to do that. It’s not your kind of place.

Chaos: What? Well why is that?

Mirage: You are Chaos, master of the surprise, the unpredictable. Agrabah is populated by contented cows. Quite the pitiful cliché, really. The usual beautiful princess engaged to the dashing hero, destined to live happily ever after as expected. (crystal ball shows Aladdin and Jasmine kissing) All very tidy and mundane.

Chaos: Mirage, you really should have called me. I mean, “tidy and mundane”? Living “as expected”? It’s quite clear that Agrabah needs me. (explodes into a cloud of smoke with Chaos’s head reflected in it) What would the world be like without a little...Chaos! (disappears)

(Mirage laughs evily.)

(Setting: a royal banquet at the palace of Agrabah. Aladdin, Jasmine, and three other couples are seated around the table.)

Man 1: Agrabah has never run so smoothly, Princess Jasmine.

Woman 1: That’s a lot of responsibility with your father away.

Jasmine: Thank you, but I had some expert help. (looks at Aladdin)

Man 2: (laughs) You’ve come a long way since your street rat days, Aladdin.

Aladdin: Well, it’s easier to solve a problem when you’ve been one yourself. (rolls an apple down his arm to Jasmine; Abu hiding under the table snatches it away from her) You know what they way: it takes a thief to catch a thief. (Aladdin takes the apple away from Abu right before he takes a bite)

(The guests laugh, and Aladdin gives Jasmine back the apple. Abu walks out grumbling.)

Iago: (leaning against a pillar) Nice work, monkey. I guess we just have to hang out here and beg for pet kibble. You know, you’re getting too predictable. People see you coming from a mile - (Abu sticks a vase over Iago’s head) - away... Get this off you malcontent! I’m claustrophobic!

(Abu laughs; Chaos appears behind him.)

Chaos: I didn’t think that was predictable at all. (waggles his eyebrows at Abu, who runs up a pillar) But that’s just a start. To be really unpredictable you have to show more imagination.

(Chaos pulls the vase off of Iago, whose head has changed into the head of Gilbert Gottfried.)

Iago: About time, I could hardly breathe in there.

(Abu climbs down, looks at Iago, and runs away.)

Iago: What? What? Where’re you goin’? Screwy primate. An evolutionary dead end. (Chaos disappears) Well, I’m not goin’ hungry. (flies into the dining room; everyone gasps)

Iago: Alright Al, time to share the wealth. Pass me the baklava.

(The guests start to back away from Iago from fear, and start to talk amongst themselves.)

Iago: (about to take a bite of baklava) Oh, excuse me, a bird can’t ask for a handout?

Jasmine: Iago, it’s...it’s your...

Aladdin: Your head!

Iago: (pats the back of his head with his wings) What is it? It’s not my hairline is it? ‘Cause - cause I could get implants, I - (looks at his reflection in a metal jug) Aaaahhhh! My head! (runs around the table, knocking food to the floor) Help me! I’m a monstrosity! It’s a curse! Look at my eyes. They’re so beady and squinty! I’ve been turned into some sort of mutant! Help me!

Man 1: Aladdin! Your entertainment is unnerving the women!

Iago: My heart breaks for them. I’m in mourning. I should wear black, I feel so bad!

Jasmine: Just try to calm down, Iago!

Iago: I don’t need calm! I need help!

Chaos: (watching from a high window) Well, that’s certainly a start. But it still needs... ah!

Man 2: (to his wife) I’ve heard strange things about the palace. Don’t be alarmed, dear.

Woman 2: (her head has been turned into a donkey’s) Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

Man 2: Aah!

Woman 2: Hee-haw!

Iago: I want my beak back!

(The first couple get up.)

Man 1: We are leaving!

Chaos: Oh, so soon?

(As the couple walk away, they grow kangaroo legs, and hop around screaming. Hakim, who was guarding the banquet, changes into a giant hippopotamus. Man 3 is changed into a whale, and Woman 3 into a vase of daisies with a mouth.)

Jasmine: Aladdin, what is going on?

Aladdin: I don’t know! Wait a minute... (goes to the table and picks up the genie’s lamp) Genie! Get out here right now!

(Genie comes out of the lamp dressed in a safari outfit.)

Genie: Aw, can’t it wait, Al? Spielberg’s taking auditions, and - (a giant tyrannosaurus rex head comes out of the lamp, swallows the genie, and goes back into the lamp, and a burping sound comes out of it; the genie comes back out, with his outfit all torn) Never mind! I’ll wait for the sequel! (changes back to normal outfit) Now, what can I do for -

(Iago flies past Genie's head, the second couple and Hakim run past.)

Man 2: My wife is a donkey! This palace is cursed!

(The first couple hop by.)

Woman 1: I can’t let people see me like this!

(The whale falls from the sky, and the flower vase lands on top of it.)

Woman 3: Not again!

Genie: Hey, Princess, you throw a heck of a party!

Aladdin: You mean you didn’t do any of this?

Chaos: A genie? How interesting...

Jasmine: Can you just change them back?

(The donkey-headed woman, the kangaroos, the whale, and the vase change back to normal. Iago’s head explodes and turns back to normal.)

Iago: (feeling his beak) Oh, thank you.

Jasmine: (sighs) Thank you, Genie.

Genie: (scratching his head) I’d love to take the credit, but I didn’t do anything.

(All three couples leave the room.)

Aladdin: Don’t worry, OK, ‘cause we’re gonna get right to the bottom of this.

(Hakim leaves the room; he is still a hippo.)

Aladdin: Uh, come again. Genie!

(The guests pass Abu in the hallway. He hides behind a pillar until they’re gone.)

A guest: I think it was all some sick joke.

Another guest: I still think it was in the food.

(Abu runs into the room and jumps on the table with Iago.)

Iago: You. Thanks so much for your moral support.

Aladdin: Well, if it wasn’t Genie, then who did all the magic?

(Abu chatters excitedly and jumps up on Aladdin’s head.)

Aladdin: Ow, hey, slow down!

Genie: I’ll handle this! (picks up Abu) I’ll use my cyclotronic cyberscope (gestures to giant machine he has just made appear) to graphically map on this (gestures to a monitor) liquid crystal display the neural inflow of the monkey! (Abu is sitting in a chair wearing a metal helmet hooked up to the machine)

Iago: What?

Genie: It’ll draw you a picture.

(Genie changes into a scientist and starts taking notes on a clipboard while Abu chatters away.)

Genie: Uh huh, uh huh, yes...hmm...feathers, really...slow down...

(The monitor draws a stick-drawing of Chaos.)

Iago: This is what you get when you try to read a banana brain.

Chaos: (behind Iago) I think it’s a remarkable likeness.

(Iago squawks; Abu hides behind Aladdin’s head and points at Chaos.)

Jasmine: That cat caused all that trouble?

Chaos: And a  blue  genie. Oh, I see a lot of potential for fun here.

Genie: (smiling nervously) Heh heh. ‘Scuse me for a sec. (zooms over to Aladdin and Jasmine) Al, I know I’ve said this before, but we’re in a lot of trouble! That’s Chaos. He’s got more magic than any genie, and he makes his own wishes.

Aladdin: Then, how come I’ve never heard of him?

Genie: Maybe he’s got a lousy agent! Just don’t make him mad!

Jasmine: Well, I don’t care how much magic he has. (storms over towards Chaos)

(Genie’s jaw drops.)

Genie: (as the robot from “Lost in Space”) Warning! Warning, Will Robinson!

Jasmine: You have no right to disrupt palace affairs!

Chaos: You should thank me! Could a gathering be any more boring and monotonous? (disappears, with his eyes and mouth last, and reappears behind Jasmine) Admit it, you liked the excitement!

Aladdin: (laughs) Actually, it was kind of... (Jasmine gives him a  look ) ...I mean, no one was hurt.

Iago: Easy for you to say! My  psychological wounds go to the core!

Jasmine: Those people weren’t invited here to be humiliated! I order you to leave!

Chaos: (angrily) Order?! To me?! Wrong move. (his eyes glow, there is a swirl of magic around Jasmine, and she disappears)

Aladdin: (gasps) Jasmine! What have you done with her?

Chaos: Oh, she’s somewhere...underfoot.

(Jasmine has been shrunk down by Chaos and is near Aladdin’s feet.)

Jasmine: Aladdin! Down here! (Aladdin moves his foot, about to step on her) No! (Jasmine gasps; Aladdin’s foot just misses her) No!

(Jasmine has tripped, and Aladdin is about to step on her again, but Genie in the form of an insect pushes her out of the way in time.)

Jasmine: Thank you, Genie.

Genie: No problem. We bugs have to stick together. But don’t make Chaos mad. He’s got more magic in his little whisker than a palace full of genies.

(The shadow of one of Aladdin’s feet falls over them.)

Jasmine: (gasps and points up) Genie!

Genie: Whaa! (pulls them both out of the way in time)

(Setting: Mirage’s palace in Morbia.)

(Mirage is watching the scene in her crystal ball.)

Mirage: (laughs) Oh, this is too wonderful. The Princess Jasmine smashed by the big feet of her beloved Aladdin! Oh... (purrs) ... I love it. And tricking the master trickster to do my work... oh, Mirage, you are too good.

(Setting: The dining room of the palace of Agrabah.)

(Chaos starts drinking from a bowl of milk from the ruined banquet.)

Aladdin: Bring her back, Chaos! Or I’ll...

Chaos: (angrily, the scenery turns pitch black) What? Do you really expect me to listen to your puny threats? (turns into a giant Chaos head surrounded by smoke)

(Suddenly, the scenery, and Jasmine and Genie, change back to normal.)

Aladdin: Jasmine! (the two hug)

Chaos: (behind Aladdin) Surprise!

Aladdin: (jumps with surprise) Yeaah!

Chaos: See? You didn’t expect that! Didn’t it get your juices flowing? (laughs) Certainly better than your usual boring existence.

Iago: Boring? Look, Chaos, (Chaos is licking one of his paws) I’d love it if this place were boring! But they’re always dragging me off to some cockamamie adventure! “Hurry Iago! We have to fight the razor-clawed ice giants!” Or, “Come on, Iago! The natives of Nincompoop need saving from a blood-beast with a taste for parrot!”

(Iago is still talking in the background.)

Jasmine: We’d better stop him before Chaos...

Aladdin: No! This may work. Genie! We have to show Chaos that we’re not boring!

Genie: Right! So he’ll go away! You’ve got the right genie, Al! (disappears)

Iago: ...And then, and  then, when we  do  stay home, some mutant vegetable shows up, and they want me to be the bait! (pulls out some feathers) Boring?! Hah! I wish!

Chaos: Hmm? Oh, I’m so sorry, were you saying something?

Iago: (angrily) D’oh!

Genie: Hey, what’s the matter, guys? Nothing to do? I know! Let’s see what’s on the tube!

(A couch appears under Chaos and Iago.)

Genie: The thrill (places a TV in front of them) of motoring down the info superhighway (sits on the couch holding a remote and a bowl of popcorn, channel surfing) at 500 channels per second and finding... absolutely nothing to watch. (screaming sound) Oh, wait a minute! What’s this!? (holds up a TV Guide with Aladdin on the cover) “In stereo, the exciting, never boring adventures of Aladdin, who never does things twice the same way, ever!” Gee, that sounds good! (goes into the TV) Hey, kids, what terrible villain will Aladdin fight today? (Abis Mal appears on the TV screen with Genie) Abis Mal the desert thug? (Mechanikles appears) Mechanikles and his crazy clockwork creations? (Mozenrath appears) Or somebody new? I don’t know, do you? No! Because it’s completely unpredictable!

Chaos: Really? I had no idea that you had such a variety of adventures.

Aladdin: Well, I, uh, try not to brag.

Jasmine: He’s fought mud monsters, plant monsters, lava monsters...

Iago: ...giant spiders, giant cyclops, giant sharks!

Aladdin: And don’t forget wizards and dragons and evil elementals.

Jasmine: Just one surprise after another.

Iago: Yeah, ya never see these things comin’.

(Abu chatters excitedly.)

Genie: Yeah, the only thing predicable is that Al always wins.

Aladdin, Jasmine, and Iago: Genie!

(Genie claps his hands over his mouth.)

Chaos: Aladdin... always  wins?

Genie: Ah! Ooh! Ah! Did I say “always” wins? I didn’t mean that. Sometimes it’s sort of a draw or a kind of bittersweet thing that he doesn’t really feel right about for days.

Chaos: To always win against such odds, Fate must have smiled on you.

Aladdin: Well, I try not to...brag...

Chaos: But I never liked Fate. Predestination goes against the grain. Besides, he cheats at cards. But if Fate has decreed that Aladdin always wins, what can I do?

(Abu sighs with relief.)

Chaos: I mean, where’s the unpredictability in that? I’ve got it! (a cloud of smoke appears) Allow me to produce a little scenario I call “Evil Twin”.

(An evil-looking version of Aladdin steps out of the smoke. He looks the same except he has lighter skin and is darker around the eyes has a black vest, red-brown pants and boots, and a red and yellow belt. He grins evilly.)

Chaos: I have no problem with Aladdin winning all his battles. The question is, which Aladdin?

Aladdin: I’m not performing for you, Chaos, all right? We have no reason to fight.

Evil Aladdin: How about because I don’t like your face?

(Evil Aladdin swings a sick at Aladdin, who jumps back out of the way.)

Aladdin: Look, I don’t... (suddenly the two Aladdins are in Aladdin’s hovel) ...How did we get... (Evil Aladdin swings the stick at him; he ducks) Whaa!

(Evil Aladdin keeps swinging at Aladdin, who keeps grunting and ducking out of the way. Chaos appears on the windowsill. Aladdin gets knocked back next to him.)

Chaos: Oh, play along! I gave you the home team advantage! (Evil Aladdin swings at him again; he rolls out of the way) But then I guess that’s his, too.

(The two are now on a rooftop.)

Evil Aladdin: (still swinging at Aladdin) Ugh, ha! Ugh... ha ha! Yah! Yah!

Aladdin: This is nuts! Ugh...There’s no reason for us...

Evil Aladdin: Don’t you ever stop talking? (jabs Aladdin with the stick; he falls off the building) That’s better.

(Aladdin lands on a pile of sand.)

Aladdin: (groans, rubs his head) What’s next?

(Paw prints appear in the sand, followed by Chaos.)

Chaos: You know, you’re a nice enough kid, but a bit slow on the pickup. That’s the point of all this! Not to know what’s next.

(Setting: Mirage’s palace in Morbia.)

(Mirage is watching them in her crystal ball.)

Mirage: Locusts, boil, hangnails...ha! Chaos is worse than a plague of plagues! Soon Agrabah and Aladdin will be nothing more than objects of ridicule.

(Setting: the marketplace.)

(Aladdin is walking down the street, followed by Chaos.)

Aladdin: You can’t make me fight!

Chaos: Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it! I just set things in motion and watch the result.

(Evil Aladdin is throwing tomatoes at the first couple from the banquet.)

Man 1: The sultan will hear of your jokes, Aladdin! He’ll throw you out on the street where you belong!

Evil Aladdin: Just thought you needed a new look. Maybe something in red! (throws more tomatoes)

Chaos: (to Aladdin) Looks like he’s making quite a name for yourself.

Man 1: If I had the time, I’d thrash you right here and now!

Evil Aladdin: (threatening the man with a stick) Oh, let’s make time!

Aladdin: Leave them alone!

Man 1: (rubbing his eyes) What?

Evil Aladdin: Well, look who’s come back. (Aladdin picks up a stick) My wimpy counterpart. (to the man) Don’t move! This won’t take long. Let’s see if you can give me a decent workout this time.

Aladdin: Don’t you ever stop talking?

(The two Aladdins start fighting.)

Woman 1: How could there be two of him?

(Chaos appears behind the couple.)

Chaos: Um, excuse me, but don’t you have to be hopping along?

(The two look down; they have kangaroo legs again. They scream and hop away. Chaos sits on a barrel and watches the fight.)

Chaos: (sarcastically) Well, this is exciting; it looks like he’s fighting a mirror. (looks up) Oh, this looks promising.

(The  Sea Duck  from “Talespin” is flying towards them.)

(Setting: inside the Sea Duck.)

Iago: I can’t believe we’re searching for this Chaos guy!

(Genie has turned into Baloo and is flying the plane, Abu is dressed like Louie, Iago is dressed like Kit Cloudkicker, and Jasmine like Rebecca, with the same hairstyle.)

Iago: Let’s just leave him a bag of kitty litter and get out of town!

Genie: Keep it down, Little Britches! We got us a search and rescue mission!

Jasmine: We have to find out what he did with Aladdin.

Genie: There’s our boy! Or, uh, boys, anyway.

Jasmine: Genie, we have to help him!

Genie: Can do! Bombs away!

(Genie pulls a lever, and a door opens up underneath the others, who change back to normal and fall out.)

Jasmine: What are you...aaah!

Iago: Hey!

(Jasmine has a parachute, the other two hold on to her legs.)

Genie: Sorry. Combat is no place for civilians. (the plane grows two giant hands, swoops down at the Aladdin, and starts zapping with them)

(Setting: a street in Agrabah)

Evil Aladdin: A genie? I thought I was the one that was supposed to cheat. (reaches into his vest)

Aladdin: Hey, I didn’t ask him...

(Evil Aladdin pulls out a black lamp. Rubs it, and a giant, purple, ape-like genie comes out.)

Chaos. Well, that makes sense. Evil Aladdin, Evil Genie.

Genie: Better bring out the big guns! (the two hands disappear and turn into one giant hand)

(Roaring, the evil genie picks up a building and throws it; the plane flies towards him. It zaps at him; he roars and swats at it. Eventually, he hits the plane, which crashes.)

Genie: Whoa!

Evil Aladdin: Ha ha! Looks like your genie fights as well as you!

(Aladdin pushes Evil Aladdin backwards onto a carpet next to a well.)

Aladdin: We have our moments. (pulls the carpet out from under Evil Aladdin, knocking him down the well)

Evil Aladdin: Whoa!

(Evil Aladdin lands in the water with a splash, and coughs.)

Aladdin: I hope Genie’s okay. (looks up and gasps)

(Genie has turned into Godzilla.)

Genie: Two can play at this game, ape face! Now let’s see ya dance. (breathes fire at the evil genie, who is knocked back and crushes a building)

(Aladdin runs up to the others, and hugs Jasmine.)

Genie: You’re just a chump chimp, monkey boy! (his tail hits the ground, and there is a yelling sound)

Merchant: My wares! My goods! What have you done! (Genie bends his head down; the merchant runs away) Aah!

Genie: Sorry. We’re making a mess. Maybe we should move this - (Evil Genie throws a building into his stomach, knocking him back) - ooh! That does it! Prepare for a major-league hotfoot, hairball!

Jasmine: They’re going to destroy Agrabah!

Chaos: Yes! And that’s certainly something you don’t see every day!

Iago: Believe me, it happens more often than you think.

(Setting: Mirage’s palace in Morbia.)

(Mirage is watching the genies fight in her crystal ball.)

Mirage: And so, Agrabah falls because of the failure of its hero and his pet genie.

Chaos: (in the crystal ball) Yes, Mirage was right. I should have visited sooner.

Mirage: (gasps) Don’t mention my name!

(Setting: Agrabah.)

Jasmine: Mirage? That’s why you came here! Mirage sent you!

Chaos: Nobody sends me anywhere.

Aladdin: Hmm, I’m surprised you didn’t stay with her. She’s the boring one.

Iago: Yeah, really in a rut. Always evil. Evil thought, evil plans, every day the same thing! (Abu looks at him) Hey, I play the nuances.

(Setting: Mirage’s palace in Morbia.)

Mirage: I don’t like the direction this is going. Better pay a visit.

(Setting: Agrabah.)

(Evil Genie picks Genie up and throws him against a building. Genie changes back to his normal form.)

Aladdin: Genie, are you all right?

Genie: Sorry, Ginger, but I think I’ll sit this one out. (passes out)

(Mirage appears.)

Jasmine: Coming to gloat as usual, Mirage?

Mirage: Oh, I just thought I’d drop by to see how things were going. On a whim.

Iago: Oh, how predictable!

Mirage: You certainly livened up this place, Chaos.

Chaos: Oh yes, I’m quite pleased. And now that you’re volunteering to join in, it’ll be even better.

Mirage: Me? No, I was just checking. (Evil Genie picks her up) Aah! No!

(Evil Genie laughs; Mirage struggles to get free.)

Jasmine: Can he really hurt her?

Chaos: (shrugs) Who can predict?

Mirage: Aladdin! Use the lamp!

Iago: Forget it! Big blue is still touring la-la-land. (Abu fans Genie with a cloth)

Aladdin: No, not his lamp.

Jasmine: Where are you going?

(Aladdin picks up the evil genie’s lamp off the ground.)

Aladdin: (rubbing the lamp) I wish you to release Mirage, and return Agrabah to normal!

(The evil genie disappears, the broken buildings return to normal, and Mirage reappears next to Chaos.)

Genie: But why did he listen to you?

Aladdin: I figured that my evil twin wasn’t the type who’d ever free a genie.

Genie: That’s my Al. One in a million.

Chaos: How surprising. Instead of destroying Agrabah, you (points at Mirage) helped save it.

Mirage: What?!

Aladdin: He’s right. I’d never have thought of it myself.

Jasmine: Why, thank you, Mirage.

Mirage: (screeches and disappears) No!

Chaos: Well, I guess Mirage won’t try tricking me again.

Jasmine: Wait - All this was a plan to teach her a lesson?

Chaos: Mostly. I mean, she was in a rut. Well, I have to be going. Keep up the good work, Aladdin. Because if you ever get boring, I’ll be back. (disappears, his eyes and smile last)