Tales of a Third Grade Nothing


 * Angela: Griffin, I need you to run these shipping reports upstairs to the CEO. [leaves]
 * Peter: Huh. There's nothing fun or entertaining about that. Maybe if I walk down the hall with a wisecracking rabbi.
 * [cuts to Peter and a wisecracking rabbi]
 * Peter: Do you charge a lot for your circumcisions.
 * Wisecracking Rabbi: No, I just keep the tips.
 * Peter: [laughs] All right, where's the CEO's office.

Yeah, I've always wanted to see the inside of the executive bathroom.

Executive bathroom, sir?

Uh...

Yes?

Right this way.

So, uh, where is this executive bathroom?

There.

Welcome to Executive Bathroom lsland.

Well, this is peaceful.

Good morning, Lois.

Wow, Peter, since when do you get so dressed up for work?

Since I got tired of getting nowhere in this world, Lois.

I've decided to do whatever it takes to become an executive.

It would certainly be great if you got a promotion.

You'd earn more money, get better health insurance.

Lois, I am doing this for the bathroom.

And I'm not giving up on my dream, like I did with that indoor hot-air balloon.

And away we go.

No, no, no!

I can't feel my legs.

Welcome to the party, pal.

No, wait. There they are. Aww...

Boy, it sure is great to have you back in town.

Yeah, but this place is dead.

I don't know. That guy seemed to like it.

I like everything, including ginger ale. Psst.

That's my way of ordering a ginger ale.

Sorry I can't pay you more, but business has been bad.

I'm looking to sell the joint.

You can't sell this place. So few clubs play real music anymore.

Wanna buy it? I'll give you a good deal.

You know, that's not a bad idea.

We could really turn this place around.

It could be bigger than the Apollo Theater.
 * Cut to the Apollo Theater where an announcer is speaking in front of an audience]
 * Announcer: Alright now! Next up we got the comedy stylings of Kim Lee Sung! Give it up!
 * [The audience applauds as an Asian man walks on stage]
 * Kim Lee Sung: How you doin' tonight? So you ever notice when two black guy come in your convenience store, and one go one way and one go the other way? What they doing? What they stealing? Who with me?
 * [The audience, all of whom are black, begin to boo him]
 * Kim Lee Sung: You stay out my store! All you stay out my store I remember you face!
 * Angela: Peter, I want you to retype those...[notices that Peter's work station is clean] Wow. What is this? Have you been cleaning?
 * Peter: Yep, I working extra hard so you'll promote me.
 * Angela: Well, based on your track record, you'll understand if I have trouble believing you.
 * Peter: Believe it, Angela. I hate just being a cog around here. Almost as much as I hate homeless people asking me for money.
 * (cuts to Peter walking in the street and encounters a homeless man)
 * Homeless man: Spare some change.
 * Peter: Sure. [he open his hand and drops nothing]
 * Homeless man: You didn't put anything in there.
 * Peter: Yes, I did. I put hope in there. Hope. Don't spend it all in one place, raggy.
 * [Angela walks in and finds Peter with a robot sitting at a desk]
 * Angela: Griffin! What the hell is this?
 * Peter: Its a robot that I built to save this company money. Now before you say anything; 1: It has no human emotions. And 2: It's prime directive is never to harm people.
 * [Robot gets up and begins choking Peter]
 * Peter: Oh, oh God! Its harming people!
 * Robot: ANGRY! ANGRY!
 * Peter: Oh, God! It's got human emotions, too!
 * [Robot slams Peter against the wall, then picks up a stapler and beats him with it]
 * Peter: Ahh! It's using tools! It's learning, Angela, it's learning! Run!!
 * [Peter walks into Angela's office, holding a detonator]
 * Angela: What do you want, Griffin?
 * Peter: Angela, look out your window. [She swivels her chair around to face the window] You see that Anheuser-Busch billboard next to the Children's Hospital? Well watch this!
 * [Peter presses the button on the detonator, and it cuts away to the view of the billboard and the Children's Hospital, where we see the hospital's top two floors explode]
 * Peter: Oh God! [The camera stays on the burning hospital] Oh my God, this is horrible! Oh God [The third floor explodes] Oh that's terrible! Oh Good Lord save them! Bless their li... [The flames from the hospital engulf the billboard] Oh! Ok, okay. Yeah! There we go! Alright everything worked out.

We now return to Matt Damon... and Leonardo DiCaprio in The Detarded.

You're under arrest.

No, you're under arrest.

Stewie, guess what.

Frank and I just closed a deal to buy the Quahog Cabana Club.

Oh, wow, Brian, what else are you doing that's terrible and stupid?

Just wait. In a few weeks, that club will be the hottest spot in Quahog.

Huh. You're deluding yourself.

You're gonna fail faster than John Madden's wedding-video business.

Boom, here's your groom over here.

Boom, you got your bride right here.

A lot of people say that Stacy's no good... and that she slept with this guy, and done that guy... and even did some handwork on this guy.

I'll tell you, that is gonna work in her favor late in the game.

You know who had a heck of a wedding? Brett Favre.

Griffin, I've got good news.

A management position has become available.

And I've seen that you've been working very hard lately.

I am recommending you for a promotion.

I get to use the executive bathroom?

Of course.

Holy crap. You know, last week I ate a fortune cookie that said: "Obvious lesbian will bring great news. "

It also said a grand piano will fall on me.

Well, good day to you.

And I will, um...

Uh, yeah. I mean, we're done.

Just, uh, squeeze by you here.

Is this where I get the poop pass to use the executive bathroom?

Sit down. We need to talk.

Well, make it fast, because I'm starting to crown.

Mr. Griffin, all our executives require a high school education.

And your file says that you never passed the third grade.

If you want this, you'll have to go back and finish.

Well, that sounds hilarious, but it also might take a while.

I'm afraid that's your only option.

Well, I mean, if that's what I gotta do, then I guess I...

(Suddenly, a piano falls down on Peter)

[After a piano falls down on Peter]

Next time you get a fortune cookie, don't open it.

Bye, you guys. Have fun at school.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, Peter, stop pouting.

All you gotta do is finish third grade and you'll get that promotion.

Oh... This is gonna be a bigger pain... than getting into a last-clap contest with Cleveland.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Quahog Men's Chorus.

Hey, hey, hey.

Clap one more time, you're not coming to my birthday.

Who did that? Giggity.

Good morning, class.

Starting today, we have a new student.

Peter, would you like to introduce yourself?

Hi, my name's Peter Griffin. Um...

I was actually in third grade a long time ago, but I never finished.

Back then we had a teacher named Mrs. Wilson.

Ha-ha. Except we had this funny little nickname for her.

We called her "Mrs. Kill-Son" because she had an abortion.

I know it's kind of silly, but we were just a bunch of kids.

I'm sorry. Go ahead, Mrs., uh...?

Wilson. Thank you, Peter.

Why don't you sit over there next to Omar?

Omar is our top student.

And we're hoping he'll lead us to victory next week in the district spelling bee.

What are you doing? You're old. Are you stupid or something?

Oh, picking on the new kid, huh?

Well, at least my parents didn't name me "Gaymar. "

Wow. I never knew you could make fun of someone for being homosexual.

And by laughing at other people's sexuality... somehow I feel better about my own.

Brian, where are all the people?

They'll be here. We gotta give them time.

And wouldn't you know it? There's our first customer.

I'll entertain him while we wait for more to arrive.

So thanks for coming. How you doing tonight?

Good.

Glad to hear it. Any requests?

Play "On the Dark Side"... by John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band.

Give it up, Brian.

No one wants to go to a stupid big-band club anymore.

I could help make some changes around here that would bring in customers.

You know, we should give Stewie a shot. It can't hurt.

Well, what did you have in mind?

Just trust me. I know exactly what to do.

You've gotta be aggressive.

More aggressive than Michael Jackson's treatment of his own groin onstage.

Hee-hee.

Thank you.

All right, Susie. What have you brought in for show-and-tell?

This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year.

She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses.

Oh, my God. Who the hell cares?

Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom.

Not for long.

[Quagmire walks into Peter's classroom]

Can I help you, sir?

Hi. My name's Glenn Griffin. Uh, I'm here to pick up my son Peter for a ball ga... Uh, doctor's appointment.

Peter is, your son?

That is affirmative.

Because you look a lot more like that child over there.

[She points to a child who bears a striking resemblance to Quagmire]

Daddy?

Oh, God.

[Runs out of the room and into the Special Ed room]

Daddy?

Oh, God.

[Runs out of the room and into a Spanish classroom]

Papá?

Oh, God.

[Runs out of the room and into the Teacher's Lounge]

Hey, there are no kids in here, right?

No. Just me.

Oh, thank God. [Looks at her] You wanna have unprotected sex?

Hmm...

What the hell did Stewie do to this place?

Hey, get a load of Maynard G. Krebs over here.

He's rubbing the records with his hand.

Hey, hey. You're gonna ruin that, you know.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you a name.

Here, take some of these for your 45s.

You can't play your 45s without these little yellow things.

What'll they make you buy next?

Hey, hey. There they are.

Stewie, what is all this? What did you do to the Cabana Club?

Oh, we don't call it the Cabana Club anymore, Frank.

It's now called pLace. Little P, big L.

Congratulations. You two now own the hottest spot in town.

Wow, that's a lot of people. I hope we have enough rye.

How'd you pay for all this?

I got a job as a field reporter for Channel 5 News.

All the juice is collected underneath?

Yes. And whoever collects the most is gonna win a free weekend here... with international foods and wine tasting.

Stop. Oho... Oof!

Oh!

Ow, ow, ow!

Oh, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Ow, ow, ow.

Ooh. Oh, gosh. I hope he's all right.

We'll have to send someone to make sure that he is.

Hey, Omar, want a Hertz doughnut?

Um...

Okay.

Hurts, don't it? Ha-ha-ha. Dumb-ass.

Wow, he effectively silenced Omar by hitting him in the face.

My dad hits me. But I bet if I hit others, the pain stops.

Someday, I'll use what I've learned here on my wife.

Peter, is this your homework?

Hold on. Let me take out my reading glasses.

Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, that's mine.

I could flunk you for this.

But "buttlickers" is a three-syllable word.

Not even Omar can spell those.

So you're joining him at next week's district spelling bee.

If you lead our school to victory... I'll let you pass third grade.

But if you lose, you fail.

I accept that challenge.

Late '70s Bruce Jenner, take me home.

Hop on, Peter.

Brian, how does it feel to own the coolest club in Quahog?

You think this is cool? Look at these people.

I'd rather go bankrupt than cater to jerks like this.

Whoa, Brian. Slow down, man.

We're making money now. And besides, this place ain't all bad.

Hey, you girls thirsty?

Could I interest you in a couple of Rob Roys?

What's a Rob Roy?

Only the drink of Mr. Peter Lawford.

Who's Peter Lawford?

What am I hitting on, Lou Costello here?

Who's Lou Costello?

Uh, sorry, my friend's a little new to the club scene.

Jeez, what the hell's with these broads?

Look at you two. Tuxes in a nightclub?

You're more out of place than Prince was on The Price ls Right.

And what's your bid on the dining-room set, Prince?

Three-fifty.

I'm sorry?

Three-fif...

Can you speak up, please?

Three-fifty.

All right. And the actual retail price of the dining-room set is $350.

Yay.

Peter, wake up.

Huh? Wha...? Oh. Oh.

Oh, Lois. I just had the weirdest dream.

Lewis Black told jokes that were so funny... he had to shout them so everyone could hear.

Peter, you gotta stay awake. The spelling bee's tomorrow.

But, Lois, I'm scared.

There's no way I can compete against those kids.

It's like trying to beat Schpupel champion... Fjurg van der Ploeg at a game of Schpupel.

Schpupel.

Don't be sad, Peter. That's why they call it Schpupel.

God, we look like idiots.

Hey, hey. That's more like it. Where'd you get the threads?

We went to Barneys.

I heard that's where all the people shop for skinny-leg jeans.

Whoa, these are the tightest, penis-compressingest... sperm-killingest, testicle-grippingest jeans I ever tried on.

Brian, Frank, meet Dakota and New Bedford.

Hey, how's it hanging, Dakota?

What's up, New Bedford?

You look like rappers, but you're not black.

So that's the perfect amount of danger.

Listen, you guys get to know each other.

Looks like my doorman let another gazelle in here.

Sorry, but we've been over this before.

We don't serve your kind here.

You're gonna hear from my lawyer.

Yeah? I would welcome that. I would welcome the opportunity... to hear from a lawyer that represents a gazelle. What's his name?

Yeah, I don't have a lawyer.

I'll tell you about Dean Martin.

He was the only guy on the golf course who had a 5-iron... with a cork on the end of it.

So, uh, who wants to come back to the hotel and take a whack at my genitals?

Cool.

Awesome.

All right, we got a ball game.

Hang on, girls. I'll get you a couple of appletinis.

This is going great, Frank. This club and these clothes.

My God, there's nothing that can stop us.

Hey, party people!

I'm ready to get eighty-sixed.

Andy Dick?

Oh, no.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

What the hell just happened?

Andy Dick happened.

As soon as that guy shows up anyplace... it gets a worse rap than John Wilkes Booth.

Stupid hat. Damn it.

I paid 15 cents for this ticket.

Oh! No, he didn't.

Christ, could he be any more annoying?

Oh, hey, it's Tom. Tommy. Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, I hear you took that black chick home.

Hey, hey. You're welcome.

Our next spelling-bee contestant is Omar Mahajareef... Uh...

Something September 11 th-y.

All right, Omar. Your word is "candy. "

Candy. C-A-N-D-Y. Candy.

That's correct. Our next contestant is Peter Griffin.

Peter, your word is "tree. "

Can you use it in a sentence?

There is a tree by the lake.

Huh. Can you use it in a dirty sentence?

I like to bring transient hookers to the oak tree... where I asphyxiate myself at the same time I'm watching them have s*x.

T-R-E-E. Tree.

Correct.

We're down to our final two competitors: Peter Griffin and Omar North Tower. Omar, you'll be going first.

Your word is "coagulate. "

C- O-A-G-A...

Oh, I'm sorry, Omar.

Bet you could spell "box cutter. "

I'm 9 years old and I'm lndian.

All right, Peter.

If you spell your next word correctly, you win the competition.

Your word is "lesbians. "

Can you use it in a sentence?

The two lesbians are going shopping.

Use it in a dirty sentence.

The two lesbians are going shopping for double-headed marital aids.

Damn.

Wait! Can you use it in a libelous sentence?

Gillian Anderson and Helen Hunt are lesbians.

L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S.

Correct.

[after Peter wins the spelling bee, Lois, Chris and Meg hug him]

I did it, Lois. My God, I did it.

You sure did, Peter. I'm so proud of you.

Way to go, Dad.

Yeah, you're a smart fella, Dad.

And you're a fart-smeller, Meg.

Aah!

Ha-ha-ha.

Let's go home.

Angela, I did it.

I finished the third grade. I'm ready for my promotion.

Griffin, you blew up a children's hospital.

You're going to jail.

What?

What, you think everyone just forgot about that?

There was an investigation, fingerprints, forensic reports.

Nineteen children died, Peter.

And the FBI knows it was you.

[The Judge is telling Peter his sentence, at court]

Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty... and sentences you to seven days in prison.

You'll be out next Sunday at 9.

God, I can't believe we bought these clothes for a club that didn't even last.

Hey, come on. We had a great 72-hour run.

In this business, that's all you can ask for.

Besides, I've already opened a new club that's even more exclusive than this one.

Really? Where is it?

Brian, it's so exclusive that it doesn't even have a location.

It's in here. Human heart.

I think that's a beat we can all dance to.

Wow. I weirdly feel a lot better.

Hey, Brian, what do you say we sing Stewie some real music?

Sounds good to me.

On the western side of Quahog If you'd care to come along There's a club that's so exclusive That the line is 10 miles long Where the douche bags come to party And to spend their father's cash Just to take home slutty women And then wake up with a rash Yeah, they wake up Wake up, wake up Wake up with a rash Take me out to pLace tonight Where the wool knit caps are tight And the guys in hooded sweatshirts Have forgotten that they're white Take me out to pLace tonight Where a dude can pick a fight Over who takes home That smoking Chinese bar skank On the right There's a throng of trendy people And they're stretched Around the block And there's one unpleasant deaf guy Who just really shouldn't talk

Vodka tonic, please.

There's a chick who's kind of Persian And a broad with zero fat And a giant human monkey Oh, no, wait, that's Spencer Pratt Yeah, you're right That's Spencer Pratt Take me out to pLace tonight To a bathroom-stall delight Where a girl will help you empty Every last electrolyte Take me out to pLace tonight Where there ain't no cellulite And we'll drink ourselves insane Until we're feeling Dynamite