Gulliver's Travels

Give me your press badge. No way, you're not my dad! Then I shall take it by force. He's my brother! Then you shouldn't have made out with him. So, your name's Dan? Yeah, Dan... Dan Quint. Like on the resume. Dan Quint. Born 1990. I didn't think that was possible. Yeah, 1990. People are born every year. What do you hope to get out of being in the mailroom, Dan? I guess I hope to get out of being in the mailroom. You got sass. I like it. Guess what? You're hired. I'm Lemuel Gulliver. Welcome to the team. I was hired... yesterday by HR. - Doggy wants a bone. - What? Doggy wants a bone. Floor 30. This is the editors' floor. Oh, yeah. This is the epicenter, my friend. - Feel it. Feel it. - Okay. Got a little something for you. God dang it! Sorry about that. I will dry-clean that. Sorry about that. My bad. - Just wait out here. - What? One second. Here's your mail, sir. Hey, you're Harold Jones, right? Yeah. I loved your piece on the failure of derivative markets. Thanks very much. I look forward to seeing you around. Thank you... from me and all the readers. Dan, what are you doing? You can't talk to those guys! Why not? Okay, this is your first day. We are the mailroom guys. Mailroom guys are meant to be seen and not heard. And ideally, not even seen, okay? We're not on their level. We're little people. No, I think you're just scared to talk to them. I am not! Dude, listen. I am just respectful of their workspace. I talk to these people all the... I'll let you know as soon as I've made a decision, Nigel. Okey-dokey, thank you. Good day, fellas. - Good day. - Good day, mate. Gulliver, got any mail for me? Yeah... No... Maybe. Let me check. - Hi, I'm Dan, from the mailroom. - Hey. Darcy. And I'll do whatever it takes to not be from the mailroom. Dan doesn't need to be bothering her right now. She's busy. He isn't bothering me. I love to have a reason to procrastinate. Yeah, me, too. You're not bugging me. There you go. Well, I'll see you guys later. - Good to see you. - Okay. Oh, boy. Let's go. So, how long have you had this debilitating crush on the travel editor? Crush? On Darcy? No way, dude. First of all, you're a terrible liar. Second of all, why don't you just ask her out? - You don't think I could ask her out? - No. I could ask her out whenever, wherever. It's no problem. It would take me five seconds. "Will you go out with me?" "Yes." Done. I'm now going out with Darcy Silverman. We are boyfriend and girlfriend. "Gulliver and Darcy?" "Cutest couple ever." Okay. So, then, do it. Next time I see her, I will. Hold on! Hi, again. Hey, Darcy. I just remembered, I get claustrophobic in elevators. - How is your day going? - Really good. Just really, really, good. - What are you doing this weekend? - So much stuff. It's just going to be... a bunch of stuff. - Cool. - Yeah, it's cool. - Have a good one. - You, too. Wait! I forgot something. Yeah, me, too. So? Yeah? Yeah! You chickened out, didn't you? I wasn't... I just... You know... I didn't chicken out. - Being respectful of her workspace. - Exactly. Dude. Speaking of which, after work... do you want to go for a couple of brews and shoot some poos? Maybe a little man-date. I don't think so. Especially because you called it a man-date. I got you. You want a rain check. You want to wake up all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for the boss. You're not my boss anymore. What are you talking about? I just got promoted. That's impossible. You just got here. Yeah, they promoted me... to head of the mailroom. So I'm your boss now. Look, Gulliver, the reason you didn't ask her out and you never will... is the same reason that you're not going to leave the mailroom. You've been here 10 years, man. You peaked. You talk a big game and that can be fun sometimes. And you're pretty funny around the office, but that's all you are. It's just talk. So you might as well face it... you're never really going to get any bigger than this. These talks. This is the worst part about being a boss. Anyway, be in tomorrow at 7:00. We're going to sort of change things up... and we're gonna start with getting rid of "Guitar Hero" during work hours. Night, Darcy. See you. Gulliver? Hi. Hi. Can I help you? Yeah, I... I wanted to see... if you wanted to... You seem a little nervous. Are you all right? No, I'm fine. I'm just... I got so much going on. I wanted to pick this up, and then I'm on my way. You want to apply for a travel writing assignment? Yeah. Exactly. I had no idea you wrote or traveled. I do. I travel a lot. I go to New Zealand. Been to Mexico. Mjico, they call it... in the locals. Africa, the Congo. Which I know is in Africa because I travel and write. So this is kind of what I want to do. Why don't you bring in a writing sample tomorrow and I'll see what I can do. Perfect. - Okay. - Okay. Hey, Gulliver. Nice job putting yourself out there. Yeah. Cool. Okay, bye-bye. Bye-bye. I should've just manned up and asked her out. Now she's expecting a writing sample? What was I thinking? I saw some things In different lands Karate chop... I gotta write this thing! No, I got nothing. I am so impressed, Gulliver. I had no idea you were such a good writer. I kind of keep it secret. I don't like to brag about my more literarian side. These samples are terrific. And you exhibit such variety. This one about Oaxaca feels really classic, like it came straight out of Frommer's... whereas the description of Barcelona is all... sassy. It's like I'm reading Time Out. Yeah. I think I have the perfect fluff piece to start you off with. There's a guy down in Bermuda who claims he has the secret to the Bermuda Triangle. He's either crazy or he's trying to bilk tourists. But I figure... it could be a fun way in... to explore Bermuda and the smaller islands around it. You do have boat experience, don't you? I'm a... boat... man. I'm a boatman. Okay, good... because I have to be honest, it was hard to find someone to do this. You have to be at sea for three weeks, completely off the grid. That's okay with you, right? Good, because I thought... I was going to have to do it and I get super seasick. It's crazy. So, what do you say? It's not a big story, but it's a start. So, the Bermuda Triangle, huh? Everything I need to know is in here? It is. Your contact's been arranged... and there's a boat waiting for you. Yeah. That's me! Okay, precious cargo! No, no, no! That was close. All you chickens, get out of the road, man! I don't know about this, Hank. I mean, are you sure this is safe? All this Bermuda Triangle talk is just to sell T-shirts to tourists. It makes for good stories... if you want to skeet-skeet with the girls on the mainland. This is your boat. Knotfersail. They really went pun-tastic on that boat. The dock master's really into puns. He believes it keeps the pirates away. Ship Happens. This is you, and the dot is your destination. You just follow that dot, and you'll find yourself in a triangle. - In the Bermuda Triangle? - Yeah. And then to come home, you say I turn this knob... and I follow the dot back home? Yeah. - Easy. - Easy. - Done. - Done. I've got it. I am fine. Fine. It's not moving. Okay, where's the clutch? And as you go out to the ocean water... towards the Bermuda Triangle... there's reflections everywhere. I should've brought some sunglasses. I am as hungry as a horse. I could eat 1,000 cheeseburgers. Okay. Quitting time. Yeah. How to build your own robot? Yeah, that's going to happen. Darcy. Cheeseburger. Darcy. Cheeseburger. No! Safety! Okay. Rubber ducky. No! Floaties! Floatie one. Floatie leg, floatie left... floatie right, floatie head. I am safe! There is no... 9-1-1. Oh, no. Oh, God, help me! I'm paralyzed from the neck down. What's that crawling on me? Not fire ants. Please don't be fire ants. I am General Edward Edwardian, Commander of Lilliput. All hail Lilliput! All hail Lilliput! You are herewith charged with aiding our sworn enemy, the Blefuscians. You are my prisoner, and shall be presented to our Royal Highness, King Theodore. What say you... beast? You are not real! Where is my...? Where am I? This must be a dream. I'm gonna close my eyes, then I'm gonna open them, and I'll be home in bed. Okay! Okay! My spear! Bring the beast down! All right, boys! Release the hookers. Pull, pull! Hey! Pull! Hey, not cool. Hey, that's my pants. That's not funny! Unlucky. Heave! Heave! It was awful, horrid! Nightmarish! I was trapped in the valley of violent rumbles. I was nauseous! Lift! Squad, halt! This giant is hereby declared... the property of His Majesty King Theodore. All hail King Theodore! All hail King Theodore! I wanted a bracelet, not a great big hairy beast. Oh, dear! Are those restraints really necessary? They are, my innocent, naive little bunny tail. To prevent the giant beast from running rampant and killing us all. What is this thing? A Blefuscian spy. I'm not a blue fish man. I don't even know what that is. Will someone please just tell me where I am? You are in Lilliput. Lilli-puh? The grandest and greatest land in all the world. All hail Lilliput! All hail Lilliput! This is insane. This is insane. Okay, enough. Come out with the funny cameras. Mealtime, beast! Hay? I can't eat hay. Eat up! You have a busy day ahead of you, beast! Enough with the beast! I may be a giant, but I have feelings! I think you'll find that the hay... is a bit more digestible if mixed with some... sewer water. I'm sorry that my countrymen call you a beast. I do not think of you as a beast. As a matter of fact, before you arrived... I was the tallest man in Lilliput. So I know how you feel. Thanks, man. I can't reach you for a handshake. I'm Gulliver. Horatio. Oh, man. You guys are so tiny. Are you the only other prisoner in the whole dungeon? Yes. I have been placed in this prison by the great and glorious... General Edward Edwardian... for sending a lascivious look to his betrothed... Princess Mary. That's it? He put you in prison for hitting on his lady? Dude, that is harsh. No, you must understand. I am of a lowly station. To legally court a woman of her stature... one must commit a valiant action... and this is virtually impossible as a commoner. Come on, don't be so hard on yourself. You seem like a cool guy. You could do something valiant. General Edward has led countless crusades... and is known far and wide for his bravery. I'm no General Edward. Well, no offense... this Edward guy seems like kind of a lame ass. A lame what? It is my impression... that "lame ass"... is a negative expression from whence you came. If this is the case... you shall be thrown in the stocks! No, no, no! "Lame ass" means... great... brave and courageous... heart-of-a-lion man. Is this the honorable truth? Yes, this is the honorable truth. Then, I am not just... a lame ass. Oh, no. I'm a big lame ass! The biggest! I, General Edward Edwardian, am the biggest lame ass in all of the land! Heart of a lion. Hurrah! So, listen... now that you know we're cool... what do you say you loosen up these shackles a bit? No. It is time for your life of hard labor to begin. Left! Forward! Left! Right! Left! Their defense system is operational. We must move in stealthily. Left! - Did I tell you to stop fanning, peasant? - Sorry. Sorry. They will be too busy with the fire to protect their princess. A fire! A fire is two bells, that was three. It's an attack! No, it actually sounded more like... two bells, and then, a pause... and then a third bell. So, it's an attack and a fire? - The Blefuscians! - The princess! To the castle, beast! Left, right, left, right. Faster, beast! Oh, no. The Blefuscians. Do not kidnap me. Please do not kidnap me. Why is she just standing there? Of course, she's gonna get kidnapped if she... You speak not of the princess. Down! I shall save you, my princess. My princess. Dude, I can help. We do not need your help, beast. You just stay here. Nobody save the princess! He'll never get to her in time. Please, you must save the princess. But you heard that angry little dingleberry. He said I shouldn't. I beg of you! - It is too late. - You are kidnapped. I am kidnapped! Not on my watch. Hop on, princess. Let's get you out of here. Fear not, my darling! I am here to save you. Where has she gone? Oh, she has been kidnapped. There you go, Princess. Thank you so much. Are you okay? Yes. Thank God. The Blefuscians are retreating. We are to have a victory feast. How lovely. The fire has raged out of control. My father is trapped! You guys have to invest in a more efficient warning system. Your Highness! Out of the way. I have to put out a fire. Out of the way. I'm coming through! The beast! Yama-schatzi, that's hot! Princess, no! Princess, you mustn't. Father! He's burning! You have served me with great honor. We need access to a great deal of water. Do something! Oh, Lilliput, great kingdom... I do not wanna do this. You have a plan? I have a plan, but you're not gonna like it. Don't look. Cease, beast! - It's working! - Huzzah! Yeah, it's working! Out of my way! How dare you evacuate yourself... on our great and glorious king! Oh, no. Oh, no. Sorry about the smell. I've been drinking sewer water. This is grounds for execution! I know, that was pretty gross. Let me pull up my trousers. Father! Father! You look glorious. Thank you, my dear. Our savior! The beast! Beast! Beast! Beast! You guys, it was nothing, really. I saw a fire... I had some water, I released! Flood on aisle two. Does that translate here? Is that a joke here? Flood on aisle two? Thanks, you guys. The king requests the honor of your company... at a banquet this evening. Do you accept? Yeah. On one condition. You free my friend, Horatio, and allow me to bring him as my plus one. He is jailed for... unlawful courting. He must return. That's my condish! One moment, if you will. Why are you doing this for me? Because you're my buddy. I'm not gonna go to this thing without you. I'm not gonna know anybody there. You have to come. Play it cool. The king requests the honor of your... and Horatio the Glovier's company at a royal banquet this evening. Do you accept? Yes, indeed. - I can make it. - Oh, God. Oh, my God. I'm forever indebted to you. It's not necessary. Instead, let's just do this. What is that? You pound it with your fist! Come on, don't leave me hanging. Yeah! Now let's go party! Is anyone gonna... I'm just gonna go ahead and get this. So, since you're not... from Blefuscia... where are you from... beast? Once again, totally cool to be just called Gulliver. Some people believe you've come from the Island Where We Dare Not Go. Is there any truth to this rumor? No. Where's the Island Where We Dare Not Go? There... beyond the fog bank. I didn't come through a fog bank. I'm from the island of Manhattan... between the islands of... Staten and Long. This island of Manhattan, what sort of kingdom is it? I'm not from a kingdom. I'm actually from a democracy. You see, we elect a president every four years. You are so honorable... and courageous. Were you the president? Of course, he was, Mother. Look at him. He is the most powerful gentleman in all the land. I'm so sorry if Mother embarrassed you. No, it's a common mistake to not think I was president. Were you a victorious president? Yeah. I was pretty victorious. Noble, as well? Yeah, I was super noble. I was actually known as "President the Awesome." "President the Awesome." Pretty unlikely title. When do you return home, noble and awesome Gulliver? Pretty soon, I suppose. Yes? I should imagine they're falling apart without you... their greatest hero. Without my boat, looks like I'm stuck here. Don't worry. My army will find your boat. In the meantime, we could find you accommodations. Like some hay to sleep on? - Anything. - Anything? We are the finest builders in all the land. We can build you anything. Seriously, we are ridiculously good builders. And we are your servants, awesome Gulliver. I don't wanna take advantage, but... It's day seven of my stay here in Lilliput. At first, me and the little guys got off on the wrong foot... but turns out they're a pretty solid group of dudes. They're building me a temporary place to live. They threw me an awesome party just for releasing myself... and the king sent out a search party to find my boat. In the meantime... I'm roughing it. That is a good cup of joe. Good morning! Morning, Gulliver. - Morning! - Morning! Top of the morning to you, fellas. Gulliver... your media room is ready. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father. He told me enough. He told me... you killed him! No, Gulliver. I am your father. No way. This is an impossibility! Yet somehow, it seems completely inevitable. Gulliver, you truly have lived a thousand lives. King Theodore, it is time to perform our bi-weekly military exercises. Just one moment. We're watching the stories... of Gulliver's life. We have not missed a military exercise in over three hundred years. Dude! Get out of the way. We cannot see the screen! Move! Move! The Titanic is sinking! But it was meant to be unsinkable. I love you, Gulliver. No, don't do that. You're gonna make lots of babies and die in a warm bed... in old age. I'm cold. And also... I'm king of the world! Oh, Gulliver. Bravo! Encore! Wait! I'm sorry. You mean to say that you actually died in this shipwreck? Yeah, I died. You actually died. But I was resuscitated. It's preposterous. No, but then I survived. It's ridiculous. - You have to see the seq... - But you're okay now! It's silly. Just silly, silly stories. So, let me get this straight. After you were brought back to life as an avatar... that's when you met your princess, Darcy Silverman of Manhattan? Yeah. Can't wait to get back to her. I noticed you had a little eye contact with the princess. - How is it going? - Good, yeah! I think if things go well, within two to four years... she may deign to speak to me. Hold your horses. Thank God. Now, you can't woo a lady by hoping she'll deign... to speak to you. To land a princess, you got to employ some grade-A court-age. Could you teach me? This court-age that you speak. Yeah, I could teach you some of my moves. Yes! Thank you. If you beat me back home. - I need a head start. - On you mark, get set, go! I'm not ready to race you! Princess! Oh, Princess! Wherefore art thou, Princess? Hello! Who calls? It is I, Horatio. Why are you so far away? I don't want to invoke the ire of thy father. But I must be honest... And tell ye... And tell ye... Tell me what, Horatio? You don't have to be rich to be my girl. Say it! You don't have to be rich to be my girl. You don't have to be cool to rule my world. You don't have to be cool to rule my world. Horatio, these passionate words could get us into trouble. There's no particular sign I'm more compatible with. There's no particular sign that I'm more compatible with. I just want your extra time and your... ...kiss. Kiss. What beauty emanates from your lips! Think I'm gonna dance now. I think I'd better dance now. Think I'm gonna dance now! Put more mustard on it, baby. Feel it. Move your hips. I don't think it's working. You're not dancing good. Shake it! I've never been wooed with such unique passion. It's working! Did I tell you? Yes! I hear someone coming! Till the morrow. It worked! I did it! Let's go. Yes! To whom were you speaking, my darling? No one. Me. I was... I was speaking to me. Myself. What are you doing in my chambers? I have come to court you... as I always do... at this time of day. Or have you already forgotten who is your one true eternal love? No, no. Of course, I remember. Remember what? That you are my one true... ...eternal love. It's just that I was talking... with the giant and lost track of time. I trust not this beast. Seems trustworthy to me. - He's very nice. - You've done sewing. Sewing. Yes. An embroidery. It's my grandmother's doily and I'm trying to present... I captured a hawk today. Did you? He lay in a field. I came behind him and captured him with my bare hand. This is impressive, also. Fun. Fun courtship... you and I have. It is over now. Must go. Those villagers shan't pillage themselves. We must alert General Edward of this at once. We've found it. I hear you, ring-a-ling-a-ding-dong. Okay, I'm coming... Hey, how's it going? Hello, beast! I come bearing the most terrific news! Yeah? Really? We have discovered your ship. The Knotfersail. Clever name. You did it! You found my boat. I'm actually going home. Hey, you guys can fix this thing, right? Of course, you can. You're incredibly awesome builders. Yes! Darcy is about to read the best article ever. I'm talking Pulitzer. "Slide to unlock." What are you guys doing? Is that my phone? Man, it takes a lickin'. No signal, but I got 12 messages. Mr. Popularity. Hey, Gulliver. It's me. It's Darcy. I just realized why I felt like your writing came straight... out of Frommer's. Because it does! Call me as soon as you get this. Sergeant Peacock, what's it doing? He's checking his voicemail, General Edward. Good. What's voicemail? Hey, Lemuel! It's Darcy. I've totally forgiven you. Wait! No, I haven't... because now I have to get seasick on a boat to cover your butt! Thanks for this. And if you can't tell, that "thanks" was sarcastic. Darcy, again. I can't believe you lied to me. I trusted you. Wherever you're hiding, stay there. I never want to hear from you again. Mr. Beast... I've instructed our builders... to work day and night to ensure you are seaworthy by week's end. Isn't that just the most fantastical news you've ever received in your life? Great. I can't tell you how happy I am... for you. Why do you look so forlorn, noble protector? Me? Forlorn? No way. You do look quite forlorn. Just for the record, what's "forlorn" mean, again? Is it "sad"? Basically, it's just a bit more dramatic-sounding. Yeah, well, in that case, I guess I am a little forlorn. Oh, Gulliver... you miss your princess. The truth is, we're not super close. Oh, Gulliver. She's kind of mad at me right now. I am forlorn as well. I don't know what to do. I think I'm in love with Horatio. But that's great! Don't be forlorn about that. Most people spend their lives looking for that and don't find it. Go for it! Follow your heart. But my heart is promised to General Edward. And I cannot break that vow. He will lose honor and respect. And he will die of heartbreak. Okay. Look, he's just being melodramatic. - Is he? - Yeah. Gulliver, I will miss you so much. I'm gonna miss you, too. Maybe I should stay. Don't you miss your subjects? And the White House? And the Millennium Falcon? Yeah. But Vice President Yoda can run things without me for a while. Do you think the king would mind if I stuck around for a bit? Well, of course not, Gulliver. You've made everyone here so happy. I can't imagine anyone in Lilliput not wanting you to stay as long as possible. Noble and valiant King Theodore. I trust-eth not this beast, Gulliver who lives-t in our midst-ith-ith. He can now leave-th but he chooses to stay. And furthermore... I do not believe it who he say-eth he is-eth. I most-eth humbly disagree-eth. And why-eth must we always go on with these "eths"? Because we speak officially-eth. Forget it. From now on, even when speaking officially... we must get rid of these "eths." Official speaking is... an illustrious Lilliputian tradition! Inside castle voice. Please. Forgive me-eth. Forgive me. I think this job is beginning to stress you out. Maybe a little time off would be the thing. Who else could run your army? Our new general, Gulliver! I won't let you down, King. And I look forward to working with you, Vice General Edward. "Vice General." Vice! I've never been a Vice of anything. I can't be expected to take orders from that gargantuan fool. I would rather take orders from a woman. - You are relieved. - Thank you, Vice General Edward. All right, Gulliver, protect against this. They have turned off their defense system. Alert the king, and prepare the armada. Oh, no. Our defense system has failed. We shall never reach our ships on time. Careful now. Mind yourselves. Oh, what a mess. They are defenseless. Cease fire and ready the troops! Gulliver! The Blefuscians attack! - Are you sure? - Yes! Please, we need you. You're our general. Good lord! It's the entire Blefuscian armada! I know. Finally! Our general has arrived. What's going on? I heard the bells. As our mighty general... you must lead the army to save Lilliput... and vanquish the entire Blefuscian armada. You want me to... vanquish all of them? Yes, please. Every last one of them. Yeah, fine. Thank you, fair Gulliver. Okay, here we go. Time to vanquish. It's cold! No problem. You're going down! Why have we stopped? It's him. Hey, dudes. I'm Gulliver. I come in peace. Listen... they want me to vanquish you, but I don't want to vanquish anybody... and you don't want to be vanquished. Let's just pretend, okay? I'll go crazy. You act all scared and just follow my lead, all right? Sell it! Okay. Here we go. Unfurl the sails! Hard to starboard! Battle stations. Prepare positions. Move! Move! This truly is a battle for the ages. It truly is. Okay, so now, I'll just tell them you were too swift or whatever and... How come you all turned around? Fire! Oh, no. That looks painful. Move! I'm invincible. Yes! Go on, Gulliver! Well done, sir! Well done! Excellent! Gulliver! Gulliver! Well done, you big, fat beast. Pound it. - Respect. - Well done, Gulliver! Awesome! - Pass! - That's a foul! That's disgraceful! Goal! The beast is victorious. Goal! All right! Yeah! Guys, this is what I'm talking about. Look at that. With the billboards and the lights... it's home sweet home. What can I say? Hey, could you guys send over a panzer division to my left shoulder, please? Yeah, north, two klicks. One klick. Oh, yeah, that's the spot. Okay, just a little off the top. Don't go crazy. And don't shave off my sideburns. I need those mutton chops. I wanna rock and roll All night And party every day I wanna rock and roll all night And party every day I wanna Rock and roll all night And you are my bitch And I double-defeated you because I was playing and singing You did good, though. Let's try it again from the top. One sec, please. Pause game. Pause game. I was just thinking. You're general of Lilliput now. Shouldn't you be training the army? What if Blefuscia should attack again? Come on, man! No one's gonna attack. Not while I'm around. I'm a one-man wrecking crew. If you want to worry, you should be worrying about how... you haven't made a move on the princess yet. You're in danger of falling into friendship lagoon. What? Yeah, friendship lagoon. It blows. You're gonna be like, "We're friends, it's great. I'm cool with that." And you won't be cool with that! And it kills you inside. No. No, never! Yeah, man! You have to man up and be direct. Next time you see her, just tell her what's up. "Hey, what's up, sexy? "I hope it's not too forward, but I find you incredibly sexy. "Never told you before but I'm into you... "but I'm also into a lot of things, so don't get too excited. "Got a lot of things going on. I'd like you to be one of them." You see the way I mixed it up? "I want you, but not that much." You try it. Okay... should I use the face? If the face comes to you, but make it natural. Don't make it a forced face. I just have one of those faces. It sort of happens naturally. My hands are sweating. Go. Okay. Well, hello... fine maiden with the wide, childbearing hips. Yikes. You don't want to talk about wide childbearing hips. It's a good instinct. You're getting there. But try it again. But this time, more smooth and sexy. No big hips? No big hips. I think I got it. Well, hello there, slim. I ought to call you "potamus"... because you've got no hip. Do we have to be here for this? Take five, save game. Forget about the hips. Here's what you have to do. You have to make sure... What are you doing in my chambers? I have come to court you as I always do at this time of the day. This is not the time of day for courting. You cannot just barge in. I can court you when I wish to court you. I am not in the mood to be courted. I have a headache. It is your womanly duty. Section 4.2 of the official courting doctrine... Edward! I am unsure about things between us. It be not you, it be me, but I'm very unsure. That make-th no sense. We are to be married. You are to be my bride. We are not in love. We are not in love. What do you love about me? Name one thing. Inappropriate, Edward. - Reach for it. - One second. Okay, take your time. I find you... absolutely... satisfactory. No. That is not enough... to say that someone is average or adequate or moderate. I want to be loved for who I am. There's an awful lot... going on up here. - Is there? - Now you're being cruel... and, frankly, melodramatic. And acting like a complete baby! You are acting like a little princess. I am a princess! But maybe you should... act like a princess. Gulliver was so right about you. - Why don't we all listen to the beast! - Don't call him that! He's a big ugly beast and you should know better. Get out! You cannot break our engagement! It is worse than death! Get out! You will be sorry you ever crossed General Edward. Get your Gulliver's T-shirts! Dress like Gulliver. You, sir! Get your Gulliver's T-shirts here. Get your Gulliver's T-shirts here! Gulliver's T-shirts! Look at him. He's handsome! What do you want? This beast... has transformed Lilliput... into his own sordid and rotten little kingdom. And he will do the same with your land if we do not stop him. To save Lilliput... I must first destroy it. How do you suggest we accomplish... such a dangerous task? I have got stuff! Look. I'm showing you. All right! Welcome to the first ever Lillapalooza! Let's get this party started with a little jam I wrote! Right? What are you up to in the morrow? - In the morrow? - Yes. I'm just hanging. So, yeah. Would you care to attend the Ball of the Moonlit Glen with me? - The ball? - Yeah. The ball is tomorrow? Right. Maybe. It's a pretty tasty jam! Pretty tasty jam. Why are you acting like this? - Acting like what? - Why are you being so strange? I'm a gentleman merchant about town... and I have got to keep my options open. Do you? That's what I've been told. I'm not an option. I'm a lady. I know you are, and I love ladies. Believe me... Okay! I'm sorry. I was... Five bells! Five bells? What does five bells mean? There have never been five bells. Yeah? Don't worry about it... because this guy throws down no matter how many bells are a-ringin'. Don't freak, little peeps. This one is on me. You must be kidding me. This is five bells? It's cute. Edward, you traitor! How dare you forsake your Lilliputian brethren! I only forsooked after I was forsooken. The forsookingness ends now! I challenge you to a duel! Cool. Whatever. So, you accept? Oh, yeah! Yeah, I accept your duel. Oh, goody! Make a move. Wow, you are hard. Okay! Just... stretching out the hammies. It's a good thing to do before the duel. You brought this on yourself, beast. Do you surrender, beast? Sure, yeah! Whatever! No, say it properly. - Say you surrender. - Oh, yeah. Say it! Say it! Say, "I surrender!" I surrender! I surrender, I surrender! You win. It hurts my butt. You cannot surrender! You are our most glorious protector! You're President the Awesome! And you and Captain Sparrow defeated the Joker and Magneto! And you and Jack Bauer had only 24 hours to do it! I didn't do any of that stuff. I'm just a guy from the mailroom. But you gave us your word! I'm sorry. I lied. I knew it! I hereby banish this beast... to the Island Where We Dare Not Go... never to return to Lilliput again! Take your positions! Please, Gulliver. Hey... is this Island Where We Dare Not Go really as bad as they say? It's delightful! Okay. No little people anywhere. That's a good sign. Hello! Is anybody here? No way. Raise the standard! Let's lose this rubbish! Lower away! Can I not walk alone in my own garden? Go away! Princess! I've secured a boat. We can leave tonight. No, Horatio. But Edward is gonna force you to marry him. I don't have any choice. Please. Of course you have a choice. No, you made that choice for me. You don't understand. Gulliver told me... Everything Gulliver said was a lie... including you. Oh, I'm paralyzed from the neck down. What's that? What's crawling on me? Not fire ants. Oh, please don't be fire an... I am General Edward Edwardian... commander of New Blefuscia. All hail New Blefuscia. All hail New Blefuscia! I must warn Gulliver. State your name... she-beast. Darcy Silverman. Of Manhattan. Oh, no! I'm not doing this. You got me in the diaper and the dress. I'm not doing teatime with you. Go find another doll. Tea! Time for tea! Okay, we're kissing. Gentler. Let's just hold hands or something! What's up? What kind of toy are you? Top Gun G.I. Joe? Cool detail. Gulliver! Gulliver! Down here. What are you doing here? Gulliver, you must return to Lilliput with me at once. Forget it, man. It's a no-go. No, you don't understand. Edward has... It doesn't matter. I may be a hundred feet tall, but I'm not half the size of one of you little guys. You have to listen. This is important. No, this is where I belong. As a giant girl's baby doll. Hey! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and listen! Blefuscia has taken over Lilliput... and Edward has captured Darcy Silverman of Manhattan. What? She's... - Darcy's here? - Yeah. Oh, no. She said she was gonna do the assignment herself. She's here because of me. It's all because of you. How could you lie to us? I was afraid to tell you guys the truth... because it was just so great being a big shot for the first time in my life. I didn't want it to end. Snap out of it, man. You think of yourself as this small little thing, but that's not how I see you. Think about what you've done already. You saved the princess. You single-handedly defeated the entire Blefuscian armada. Didn't you? Come on. I'm your best friend. I wouldn't lie to you. You can do this. So, take off that dress and let's get out of here! Am I really your best friend? You're kind of my only friend. Sweet, man. You, too, for me. Let's go save Lilliput. Yeah, let's go do this. Take me with you, yeah? One sec. There we go. - Oopsie-daisy. - I got you! Okay, officer... I'm just gonna borrow this parachute if it's okay with you. You don't need it anymore. This isn't safe! I'll let you... - Thanks, Horatio. - Good luck. I got this. Darcy. Darce. - Gulliver! - Hey. I'm coming over there. Are you okay? I can't believe you're here. I mean, of all the places, right? - What's up? - What's up? What's up? What isn't up? - Can we talk about the inverted whirlpool? - Crazy. And why is everybody calling me your princess? They don't. I think you misheard. I see you have... returned for your princess. He did, right there. He just called me your princess. That's because everybody is a princess here. I forgot to tell you, it's just sort of a thing. If you wish to speak to your one true love privately... we shall cover our ears. One true love? You told them I'm your one true love? Is now a good or bad time to tell you... about the crush I've had on you for the last five years? Really? Yeah, I totally have a crush on you. Is that why you bring the mail cart around, but none of the mail is for me? Yeah... yeah. I told everybody that you were my girlfriend. It's really embarrassing. I think it's kind of sweet. We must focus because we have to book... to the boat and get out of here. We're surrounded by little people. Darcy, listen to me. I would love to book with you over to the boat right now, but I can't. These little people have grown very large in my heart. They depended on me... and I let them down. And I have to do this first. King... if it's all right with you, I'd like to be your glorious protector again. I don't know. How are we to believe anything you say, Gulliver? Because my word is my bond. This time, for real. I promise. Gulliver. You work in the mailroom. Not today I don't. We're all with you, Gulliver. Hey, Edward. If I win... Lilliput returns to her former glory. And if you lose... this is what happens to Lilliput. I've made a slight improvement. Shocking, isn't it? Yeah! Hey! That's not fair. He's cheating. I've got to do something. Now do what you do best... beast, and run along! No way. Not today. I've always liked you, Gulliver. I've always thought we had a real spark! Fear not, Gulliver! I'm on my way! Gulliver! No! Now stay down this time, beast! It is on! Go, Gulliver! Yes, Gulliver! Go! Yes! Go on, Gulliver! You can do it! Get him! Help-eth. Bouche! Now, that's a wedgie! Yay, Gulliver! - Yes! Well done! - Come on, Gulliver! - You did it! - Did you see that? I wedgied him back to the second grade! I'm so, so sorry. I hope that you can forgive me for the way that I behaved. You're not an option... you're the most beautiful lady in all the land. Who's also super cool... and a stone-cold fox. Horatio! Do you realize what you've done? You have committed an act of valiance. I hereby... give my permission. Yeah. Nobody move! Halt! Stop! I have kidnapped the princess. You have been kidnapped. Congratulations. Enough with the kidnappings! Bouche! - Bouche! - Yes! Listen, I plagiarized all that stuff... because I thought you'd never go out with a dude from the mailroom. And I'm sorry, that will never happen again. So, yeah, coffee... I condemn you and all Blefuscians to the gallows. Prepare for war! No... you prepare for war! I have to do one more thing, real quick. Kings, kings, come on! Guys, what is it with you... and the executions... and the gallows and the stocks... ...and the war? Seriously, war? Why do war? What is it good for? Absolutely naught! War! Yeah What is it good for? Absolutely naught! Say it again, y'all War! Good God, y'all What is it good for? I find it good for absolutely nil! It's an enemy to all mankind The point of war blows my mind Life is much too short and precious To spend fighting wars these days War can't give life It can only take it away War! Good God, y'all What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again, y'all War! Yeah What is it good for? Absolutely nothing Listen to me Peace, love and understanding Tell me, is there no place For them today? They say we must fight To keep our freedom But Lord knows There's got to be a better way War! Good God, y'all What is it good for? Tell me Say it, say it, say oh! War! Good God, y'all What is it good for? Absolutely nothing Just stand up and shout it! You're gonna miss your big friend? A little. - Yeah? - A lot. Oh, dear. How was Papua, New Guinea? It was hot, sticky... and the most mind-boggling place I've ever seen. The most mind-boggling place you've ever seen? Okay, second most mind-boggling place. Sorry. Danny! Got your morning mail, Gulliver. - Darcy. - Who's your friend? I'm Mark. I'm just the new guy in the mailroom. Whoa, just the mailroom? Mailrooms are where it's at. Right, Dan? Yeah, I don't know why you would say that. That's where all the greats start. Remember, there's no small jobs. Just small people. Teeny, tiny, teeny little people. Remember I told you that? There are no small jobs. Just tiny, tiny, people. Can I take you to lunch? Of course you can... my fair princess. [English - US]