Swing Vote

Hey! What the hell is this? I'm guessing it's my latest budget cut proposal based on your rage sweat. First of all, I am rage glowing. Second, you wanna cut funding for the Pawnee Palms Public Putt-Putt? What did the P. P. P. P. P. ever do to you? Ron is very anti-government, and he has that philosophy, but there are just certain things that you don't cut. Schools, police, mini-golf, merry-go-rounds, parades, gazebo repair, roads and bridges, whatever. Pretty gardens, hummingbird feeders. I believe in cutting useless government projects. I also believe in cutting useful projects, future projects, and past projects. The Hoover Dam is a travesty. You also believe in making furniture. Why don't you go solder a chair instead? Do you expect me to make a chair out of transistor chips and small wires? Look, the defunding of the mini-golf course is on the agenda for the city council meeting tomorrow. I'm sure you'll argue against it with your trademark vigor. Oh, I will argue, and I'm gonna win. That putt-putt is gonna be around forever, and when I am done with it, it'll attract more visitors than the Hoover Dam. And it'll produce double the amount of electricity. - How? - I'll figure it out. It already has windmills. Who cares? Councilmen, I have something to discuss with you, but before I do, can I just point out how handsome the both of you look today? - Yeah, I know. - I feel very ill. Okay, well, tomorrow we are voting on funding for the mini-golf course, and personally, I think it is great for families, it's a great job creator, and it's extremely cute. I'm wondering which way you two are leaning. Well, the last time I was there, I saw kids of all races getting along and playing. It was terrible. So I'm voting to get rid of it. At least you have a good reason. Well, Howser is with me. Milton is with Dexhart. Jeremy, you're the swing vote. - What do you think? - Hmm. Well, on the one hand, I love cutting government programs. On the other hand, mini-golf rules. And on the third hand, I hate both you and Ron Swanson. So this one could go either way. I'm kind of a badass wild card. Hey, what are you doing tonight? More like who am I doing? No one. I'm free. What's up? Can I get two beers and an ice water for my friend here, designated driver? I am? You drove here. Nah, it's too late, bro. I already ordered the water. I don't know what you want me to do. Andy and I just closed a big donation to the Redwood Music Program, a charity he discovered, so I suggested we all go out for a celebratory drink. And somehow I just ended up becoming the designated driver. And paying for everyone. And I didn't get to choose the bar. I should be more assertive. Aw, the band is moving me tonight. It's really good. Really? They sound kinda crappy to me. Kinda sounds like one of your songs, babe. Well, you know what, Mouse Rat has a lot of influence on some of the local high school bands, mostly 'cause Chang buys 'em beer and whatnot. Wait, Andy, this is a Mouse Rat song. Spread your wings and fly, yeah That's my band. I didn't recognize us without me because I'm the only one that matters. Thank you, everyone. We are Rat Mouse. Rat Mouse? Rat bastards. They're playing without me? That's a song I wrote! Hey, baby, can I borrow your car for a month? I already lent you my car. Do you not know where my car is? Ugh, I'm so sick of the third degree. It's like dating a cop. I'm gassy. Let's make out. - What? - Yeah. Move aside! Dating Mona-Lisa is awesome. Except that I live in constant fear for my life. So I guess it's time to do the mature thing and have someone else dump her for me. Uh, Perkins, sit down. I just heard that you and Traeger might be getting back together. Yeah, it's funny, right? I mean, we're already planning on having a baby together. We're not quite a couple but-- Yeah. Cool. Congrats. Listen, I need your help. My girlfriend is crazy. You say that about every girl you date. You said that about me. Calm down, Ann. You're proving my point. Seriously, Mona-Lisa is legit insane. She once jumped out of a moving car to buy a Nicki Minaj poster. Can you break up with her for me? I'm not gonna dump a girl for you. I'll give you that chenille blanket of mine - you love so much. - Deal. Ugh, but that's my favorite blankie. - Won't you do it for free? - Nope. Fine. Yeah, dead ringer for Courtney Thorne-Smith. She works at the gas station. Okay, I need to have Jamm fall in love with this place, so I'm rolling out the red carpet. I need you to stay upbeat. Keep things light. Absolutely. I can be a sort of Conversational lubricant. Yeah, there's probably a less gross way to say it, but sure. I love being a caddy. It's so much more than just carrying clubs. It's about offering positive reinforcement. I consider myself a caddy to everyone in my life. - Yeah, good one! - Nice shot! Great sweeping. Way to be, duck. Councilman, nice putter. Oh, thank you very much. Some fat Hawaiian guy left it in my waiting room. When he came back, I was all like, "Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, no, I haven't seen it. I don't know. " Classic. What a great and funny story. Okay, before we start, anybody want a hot dog? Hot dogs? You know I have irritable bowel syndrome, you racist. Yikes, okay. How about a snow cone on me? Hello, Councilman. Chris, Leslie, snow cone lady. I see you're about to play a round of publicly subsidized mini-golf. Mind if I join you? Well, hello, Burly, Chang. Hey, man, what's up? I was just over at the bar, enjoying a wonderful night with my co-workers who all talked about how awesome I was, and I look up, and what do I see? A band. But you're missing something like, uh, I don't know, your lead singer/songwriter/ T-shirt designer/nacho chef. What's up? First of all, your nachos are terrible. No one's had the guts to tell you. Why don't you melt the cheese? We tried to tell you about the show, man. I called your cell, like, 20 times. Well, I dropped my cell phone in a bowl of cereal last week, you idiot. You bothered to call me, you'd have known that. Maybe you should change your name to Burly and The Backstabbers. That's a pretty good name, actually. Yeah, he's really good at coming up with names. Get me a Budweiser Black Crown. You guys got Black Crown here? If not, you should. Ron, are you gonna be joining us? I won't be playing. I'm simply here to remind Councilman Jamm that this ridiculous play palace costs the taxpayers thousands of dollars a year. And what a bargain. I mean, kids love it, adults love it, Jamm loves it. Everybody loves it. It's like the Toy Story 3 of places. Yeah, she's right, Swanson. I do love it. You should relax a little. Have a snow cone. Leslie's buying all night. You don't say. She's buying you snow cones, and tomorrow you're voting on an issue that she cares about. Hey, guys, what, are we gonna stand around all day and listen to Ron spout off unrelated facts about blah, blah, blah, or are we gonna play? Game on. Hey, everybody, great news. They gave us free mylar balloons. I got dibs on the dinosaur. And the pirate and the dolphin. I want all of 'em. - You got 'em. - Sweet. The Councilman is away Good luck to you both. Luck has nothing to do with it, Chris. Yeah, I could be a pro! Wow, you are on fire, Jeremy. - Having fun? - Mmhmm. I think this proves that this is a wonderful place that brings joy to people's lives and brings a community together. It's also a place that costs the taxpayer $9,000 in annual subsidies. You guys sound like school. I have two important pieces of caddy information. Councilman Jamm leads by eight strokes, and you are both about to set a course record. For friendship. On to the next hole. You are pandering to get a vote. And worse, you're deliberately losing. I am not deliberately losing. I'm having a very off night. Losing on purpose is a form of lying. You're only as good as your word. You want a word, Ron? I have a word for you. I will do anything I can to get Jamm's vote so that he will keep this course open, and it will be good for the community-- stop! I know it's more than one word. Shut up. Remember Hi, Mona-Lisa? Hi. I'm Ann Perkins. - I used to date Tom. - Oh, okay. We can do this, but I will bite you. Is that a screwdrive-- no, I do not want to fight. - No. - Okay. I just wanna talk to you woman-to-woman because I know Tom pretty well. Do you know his ATM pin? 'Cause I cannot crack that little bitch's code. I don't. You know what used to drive me nuts? He is a total control freak. I mean, you have to put a coaster down on every surface, and the worst part is, they're all made out of pictures from Diddy's Instagram. Diddy's on Instagram? How did I not know that Diddy was on Instagram, you jagweeds? - Who are you yelling at? - The jagweeds. Why are you still in front of me? - Everything that used to - I'm done with that band. I mean, I'm an adult now, you know? I work two part-time jobs. Hello. I don't need the stress of playing guitar with my friends every few weeks. Yeah, plus look how bad they are without you. Burly's terrible. He actually has a really beautiful voice for a backup singer. Right, that's what I meant. I love Andy, but to be perfectly honest, Mouse Rat's music is not my thing. I really only listen to, like, German Death Reggae and Halloween sound effects records from the 1950s. And Bette Midler. Obviously. You know what, I'm retiring from music. - Andy. Andy. - Done. But not without first a monster farewell performance solo on this stage tonight, everybody. I'ma show these idiots what a big mistake they made. I need piece of paper, I need a pen, I need four more beers, I need a computer fan, I need a lightning bolt of inspiration. It's song writing time. What do you need a computer fan for? Sometimes when you use a computer, it gets hot, and the fan cools it down. You know, I think it's great that you're cool with Tom's financial situation. What are you talking about? Tommy owns his own business. Yeah, but he had to borrow a lot of money, and when you're not around, Tom drinks tap water. What? Excuse me. You're broke? Uh, yeah, super broke. Are you upset about that? Mm, yeah, 'cause I don't eff with poorsies. But thanks to a warning from my new best friend, I don't have to, okay? We're done, you're awesome, and I don't even usually like Puerto Rican chicks. I'm not--I mean, it shouldn't matter, but I'm-- You're breaking up with me? - Oh, man, that sucks. - That's right. It's over. Let's go dance. Help. Ugh, I cannot catch a break. You better find your stroke, Knope. Guys, I'm gonna let Julie go home. It's getting late, and Jeremy's eaten all the syrup. Thank you. It's been an honor working alongside you. - Thanks. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. Snow cones are half the fun. Yeah, Julie, could you stay, please? I have calculus homework. I-- Oh, well, math is worthless in real life. I mean, there's an app for calculating tips. That's all you need. Math is very important, especially for young women. Stay in school. I've made my point. Leslie has made hers. Which way are you voting, Councilman? Uh, well, I'm kind of still on the fence about this budget thing, but I do love watching you guys squabble over me. You sure make a guy feel like a real lady. Weird. All right, how about this? You two play each other. Nine holes. Winner gets my vote. I'm game. Ron? An athletic competition where both parties are competing their hardest is certainly more honorable than whatever this charade is. Sudden death playoff on the very course that hangs in the balance. I could literally faint if I didn't have impeccable blood pressure. Oh, hey, everybody. My name is Andy Dwyer. You probably know me as the artist formerly known as the lead singer of Mouse Rat. Well, after tonight, you'll only know me as the former artist formerly known as the lead singer of Mouse Rat. I'm retiring from music. This is my swan song. Once I was a golden swan swan of a man now that swan's name was Andy and he started a rock and roll band he made incredible nachos that everybody claimed they loved and then the band mates dicked him over with a massive rock and roll shove this is my swan song watch me fly - Tom. - What happened to you? Mona-Lisa happened to me. She covered me in glitter and Anna Nicole body spray. Why do they still even make that? They don't--she's had the same bottle for years. She just mixes in water and baby oil. Now it's your turn to help me, okay? You need to break things off with me and Mona-Lisa. Uh, Ann, this might be a battle you need to fight yourself. I try not to get involved in other people's personal relationships. Aah! Don't hurt me. Get me out of this friendship! I'm gonna find a place where I can be the beautiful duckling I always was inside whoa whoa whoa Why is there a gorilla guarding this gingerbread house? Because mini-golf is awesome. It's cute, and it's fun, and it needs to be saved. Less talk. More competing for my vote. Wow. This is it. Ron leads by one. If he hits the ball into the dragon's mouth, he gets Jamm's vote. Uh, bean sprouts. Tofu. Ralph Nader. Ayn Rand is a terrible writer. Don't mess up, don't mess up, don't mess up. - Damn it! - Hole- in-one! Excellent win, Ron. Even better loss, Leslie. Ultimately, we learn the most about ourselves through the losses. Swanson, I hate you. Nothing will change that. But I respect the hell out of your short game. You got my vote, hombre. Hey, you got a hole-in-one on 18, so I'm supposed to give you this. No, he gets the dragon too? A fine trophy. I think I'll keep it in the office. No, you won't. - Here, kid, want this, huh? - Yeah. Take it and run. Run! Tom, she's coming! Tom! Okay, desperation time. Follow my lead. What lead? What do you mean? What are you-- oh. What the mother-effing, c-ing ess-ing, effing k-ing eff is going on right now? Sorry, Mona-Lisa. We can't keep our hands off each other. That is accurate. Oh, it's all finally very clear. All the times that you were like, "Oh, no, Tom's no good for you. " And all the times you tried to break it off with me - I finally get it. - Mmhmm. You guys want a threesome. What? No. We do not wanna have a threesome with you. Well, let's not rush to judgment. - I mean, I say we hear her out. - Gross. Tom, good luck. You still owe me a blanket. She's got a screw loose, am I right? Actually she's not the one in my life I would call crazy. Look, I still don't think we should date. Oh, me neither. I've been single for an hour now, and it's the tits! I'd still like to hook up though. Yo, do you wanna have a threesome with us? Yeah, okay. - Cool. - Sweet. - All right. - All right. Yo, what up? My name is Mona-Lisa. Well, hello, fellow employees. Co-workers, I bid you adieu. Whoa, fancy Andy. Oh, me? No. This is just how I dress now. Funny goofball music Andy is gone. You're left with the professional remains. I'm an adult now. I'm gonna focus on business, which is good. Give me more time to play video games. Babe, you love that band that I also love so much. They're important to you. Come on, call Burly and ask him to let you back in. Why, so they can steal my swan song? Ha, joke's on them. I forgot it. No, business is my life now. - Okay, what's in there? - I don't know. I-it's locked. - Yeah, that's my briefcase. - Is it? Good gravy. Oh, hello, Ron. I believe you know this gorilla. It used to bring joy to hundreds of Pawnee families, but then you got rid of its habitat, so it died. Your office shall serve as its monkey tomb. - How much did you pay for this? - Irrelevant. I would pay any amount of money to properly shame you. Leslie, you should know by now that I live my life according to a certain set of principles, and I do not deviate from them. Right, I mean, God forbid you're flexible in any way. You should just stick to your stupid, rigid, anti-government principles. But you know what? Those principles stink. They're not the right principles. You may think so. I do not. Thank you for my new silver-backed friend. I like him very much. I will call him "$9,000 of taxpayer money the gorilla. " That is a terrible-- his name is Mr. Fuzzyface! Hey. How did your wild dirtbag fantasy night work out? Well, Mona-Lisa and the random girl she grabbed after you left got into a fistfight in the parking lot. Eventually, Mona-Lisa threw a cinderblock through the girl's windshield. She dives in, steals her purse, doesn't go for the money, steals all her birth control pills, and says, "Bitch, you're gonna get pregnant. " She then pretends those are ecstasy and sells it to a bunch of college kids that are drinking GoldschlÃ¤ger at a gas station. You have to break up with her. I tried. Again. It did not go well. Did she assault you? - No, this was a sexual injury. - Okay, gross. Anyway, here's your chenille blanket. You earned it. Thanks for your help. Tom, thank you. Eh, be nice to Chenille O'Neal. I will. It needs to be brushed regularly. Never use a lint roller. - I'm dead serious. - Okay. And keep it out of direct sunlight. If I see this at one picnic, I swear-- Okay, you know what, I don't even want it anymore. Yes! Thank you! What's up, yellow head? Jamm, are you here to rub it in my face that I lost your vote last night? Well, I was, but it doesn't have to go down that way. You shook Ron's hand and told him that you were gonna vote to close the putt-putt. My word is garbage. Everyone knows that. Let's talk deal. What can you offer me to change my mind? Wow, Jamm, even for you, this is pretty sleazy. Hey, don't act so shocked. A few months ago, you traded me your office for that stupid swimming pool bill. Last night you bring in a teenage girl to pump me full of snow cones. This is simply how people like us operate. I have six things to say to you. One: You drive me nuts with your rigid code of honor. Two: Congratulations, putt-putt has been defunded. And only because Jamm was going to double-cross you, and I made him stick to his word. Three: I am furious that putt-putt has been defunded. Four: I am sorry that I said the gorilla's blood was on your hands. 'Twas Leslie killed the beast. Five: Putt-putt is for children, and they are the future, and I have already written a ballot measure that will save it, and it will pass. And six: Your rigid code of honor, which drives me nuts, makes you a wonderful human being, and I am proud to call you my friend, and don't ever change. - You want a drink? - Very much. Burly, I just want to say I'm sorry that I haven't been to rehearsal and that I won't let you sing or write songs or walk out onstage in front of me. Man, I love playing with you guys. And I want back in if you'll let me. Well, we never wanted to kick you out. It's just, you didn't show up for practice, - and we like to play. - Right. If you wanna come back in, you can. I'm more of a backup singer anyways. You can say that again. No, no, no. Hey, you got a great voice. Yeah, Ben! God, don't say that. - Welcome back, buddy. - Yes. All right! Hey, I'll even try melting the cheese on the nachos. All right. It won't work. You're gonna look like such an idiot. I have been in the city council for almost a year, and I'm proud of what I've done. But every once in a while, I end up in a situation that makes my stomach queasy. You're in politics. What did you expect? Frankly, I hoped it would be like dealing with you. People with strong opinions hashing it out respectfully. And then you either realize that I'm right or you get hungry and go home and I win. There are a lot of Jeremy Jamms along the path you're walking. I suppose you just need to figure out whether it's a path you truly wanna walk. Yeah. I'm taking that gorilla with me and putting it back in the putt-putt - when it reopens. - Sorry, no. That gorilla was a gift from a very determined co-worker whom I respect. And there's a certain code of honor that accompanies gift-giving. God, you're the worst. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mouse Rat's Reunion Show, featuring me, Andy Dwyer, and for the first time, Andrew "Burly" Burlinson on lead vocals. That's right, two lead vocalists. Name one other band that's done that. The Beatles. Three, four! Oh I know we had bad times but we had good times too