Just Add Water

(opening theme song)

(in the school cafeteria)

Jane - How can you eat that meat loaf? Don't those little colored pieces scare you?

Daria - We only go around once... I hope.

(Jodie enters)

Jodie - I realize I'm probably wasting my time, but do you guys want to buy tickets to Casino Night? It's going to be on the Princess Fairy luxury liner.

Daria - So the only means of escape is drowning.

Jane - Look, we'd like to help you out, but we have a very busy schedule. There's a Sick, Sad World marathon all Friday night, so we'll be way too tired on Saturday.

Jodie - You guys are hopeless. (leaves)

Daria - Damn it, she saw right through our facade of hopefulness.

Jane - She's the 12th person today.

(in the girl's bathroom)

Quinn - Casino night on a cruise ship is going to be so glamorous.

Tiffany - You're so lucky to be going with Rex, Quinn.

Stacy - Yeah. This week, he's, like, the most popular guy in school.

Quinn - Oh, I don't think so. Well, probably. (giggles)

Sandi - (clears throat) Actually, I believe Brent, my date, may be a little more popular than Rex. Not that it matters.

Quinn - Oh, no, Sandi. I'm sure you're right. Um... did you say you were definitely going with Brent?

Sandi - Gee, Quinn, I hope this inability of yours to retain simple information is just temporary and not symptomatic of a more serious, underlying problem.

Quinn - It's just that I wait-listed Brent, you know, in case something happened to Rex, like he got a pimple, but if it does, I'll go to the next person on my wait-list. No problem.

Sandi - I see. I guess Brent asked you while he was waiting to hear back from me. You know, using you as his safety date.

Stacy - I know how you can figure it out. Quinn, which day did Brent ask...

Sandi - Stacy, who cares about such trivial matters? Can't we find something less shallow to talk about than when someone asks someone out? (leaves)

Stacy - (tearfully) I'm sorry, Sandi. (follows Sandi out)

Tiffany - Sandi's so pretty.

(in Ms. Li's office)

Mr. DeMartino - And so, I regret to inform you I will be unable to attend Casino Night. I have, uh, plans.

Ms. Li - Cancel them. Every student and faculty member must attend or I won't be able to afford the Secure-Fence Shock-Hundred.

Mr. DeMartino - Fine. I'll buy a ticket! Just so I don't have to go!

Ms. Li - Negative. We need all the adult volunteers we can get.

Mr. DeMartino - Ms. Li, I implore you...!

Ms. Li - Please, Mr. DeMartino! I haven't heard anyone try so hard to squirm out of a school event since Helen Morgendorffer made up that ridiculous excuse about being allergic to crepe paper. (grabs microphone) Is this thing on?

(in the hallway)

Ms. Li - (over P.A.) Attention, students.

Jane - Uh-oh, it's those voices again.

Ms. Li - Due to cash flow problems, Casino Night attendance is now mandatory. Show your school spirit and dip into your college fund. (singsong) Thank you.

Daria - Now I'll never be able to buy that college.

(at the beauty salon)

Quinn - It's so unfair, Jozu. Sandi is always accusing me of being shallow, but I think a lot about important stuff, like what about all those poor people in those other-world countries who can't afford professional grooming assistance?

Jozu - Quinn, don't look now, but Marco has just sat down next to us.

Quinn - Marco? The talcum powder model?

Jozu - Just pretend like we don't notice. So, Quinn, what were you just saying about the less fortunate?

Quinn - Oh, yes. So, anyway, even in this country, there are people who can't afford nice haircuts and it must be awful for them. I mean, how can they go outside?

Marco - I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.

Quinn - Oh, well, that's okay.

Marco - You know, I used to go out with my hair uncombed and stuff, but then I realized that by looking good, I'm bringing a little beauty into the lives of people surrounded by their own ugliness.

Quinn - I know exactly how you feel.

Marco - You're really thoughtful. Are you around Saturday night? Maybe we could hook up?

Quinn - Hmm... let me check my schedule.

Marco - "Casino Night on the Princess Fairy"?

Quinn - Yeah, it's this silly little high school event. I, uh, wrote it down to remind myself not to go.

Marco - Oh, too bad. I look really great on a boat.

Quinn - You do?

(at Daria's house)

Jake - You see, Helen, anyone can make a floating key chain or a glow-in-the-dark key chain, but this is the first time someone's made a floating glow-in-the-dark key chain.

(Helen repeatedly attempts to get pan out of microwave)

Helen - Damn, this pan is hot!

Jake - So I said to them, "Look, you got a great product here, but its name should reflect both its floatability and its incandescence." Helen, you should've seen them light up when I said "incandescence." Hey, that's probably some kind of a pun.

Helen - Yes, dear. Ouch!

Jake - "How does this sound?" I said -- "The Radioactive Duck." Man, they loved it. Loved it! I think.

Helen - Uh-huh. What the hell did the girls do with the other mitt?

Jake - Helen, you're not listening to me.

Helen - Of course I'm listening to you. You're considering getting a new key chain and I think it's an excellent idea.

Jake - You know, you could be a little supportive of my career.

Helen - I am supportive! It's just right now, I've got more important... I'm sorry. Tell me about the keys.

Jake - (mimicking Helen) Tell me about the keys, Jake. Oh, Jake, I'm so interested in the keys. Well, you can just forget it, missy! Jake Morgendorffer doesn't repeat himself! Doesn't repeat himself! (leaves)

(later, at the dinner table)

Quinn - So, anyway, the whole school is all excited about my date with Marco.

Helen - I'm sure Casino Night's going to be wonderful. Dad and I would volunteer but I have to go over some briefs. We'll be happy to drive you to school, though. Right, Jake?

Jake - Sure. Drive you to school. The Invisible Man here will be happy to drive you to school.

Daria - Will you be wearing those neat bandages?

Quinn - No, thanks. Marco will probably pick me up in a limo or one of those cute little sports cars.

Daria - To go with his cute little brain.

Quinn - Besides, Casino Night's not at the school. It's on the Princess Fairy.

Jake - The Princess Fairy? The cruise ship?

Quinn - (warily) Yeah...

Jake - They're looking for a new ad campaign. What better way to suck up to the owners than volunteering at a fund-raiser. They'll never know they're being pitched. Jake, you crafty devil.

Helen - Why, Jake, what a wonderful idea.

Jake - Oh, like you mean it.

Helen - No, really. Casino night is the perfect time to approach them.

Jake - So you'll volunteer with me?

Helen - What?

Jake - You'll volunteer with me. You'll do the supportive wife thing.

Helen - Um, sure.

Jake - Really?

Helen - I said yes.

Daria and Quinn - No!

Jake - Great!

(later, in the family room)

SSW Announcer - Her amputee boyfriend was cheating so she stole his prosthesis, but he kept right on hopping into strange beds. The one-legged lothario next, on Sick, Sad World.

Daria - Serves him right for keeping his leg in a display case.

Jane - Yeah, he should've used the freezer like everybody else.

(much later)

(Daria and Jane yawn)

Woman on TV - I didn't mean to hurt him.

Daria - (tiredly) The knife just slipped... 67 times.

Jane - (tiredly) What can you say? Some people are just klutzy.

(much, much later)

SSW Announcer - Meet the cannibal with a heart... quick, before he eats it! Next, on Sick, Sad World.

(Jane mumbles incoherently)

Daria - (nearly unconscious) Right...

(both girls fall asleep)

(at Daria's house)

Helen - Daria, get moving or we'll miss the cruise.

Daria - (muffled) Just carry me to the car.

Quinn - I can't believe Marco isn't here yet.

Daria - (muffled) It appears the unthinkable has happened.

Quinn - Tube tops are coming back?

Daria - (muffled) No. You've been stood up.

Quinn - Shut up, Daria! I have not!

Daria - (muffled) Okay. My mistake.

Quinn - That's it! I'm not going to the dance. I'm telling everyone I got sick and canceled the date. Daria, you'll back me up, right? Right?!

(Daria snores)

Quinn - Fine! Desert me in my hour of need. I can't...

Helen - Quinn, are you sure Marco knew to come here? Maybe he thought he was meeting you at the ship.

(at the ship)

(ship's horn sounds as it pulls away from dock)

Quinn - Wait. Let me off. It's an emergency.

Crew Member - Sorry. Too late.

Quinn - Ooh...!

(inside the casino)

(DeMartino freaks out and runs out on deck)

Mr. O'Neill - Anthony, what are you doing out here? The fun's in the casino.

(DeMartino grumbles)

Mr. O'Neill - Come on inside. Don't be a party poop... eep!

Mr. DeMartino - Timothy, I've got a problem -- a gambling problem. Once I start, I can't stop.

Mr. O'Neill - Listen to me, Anthony. Just give away your chips and reclaim your self-esteem.

Mr. DeMartino - But the smell of the cards. The sound of the shuffle. The pain of handing over the title to my car to some yokel with beginner's luck! I can't stand it! I... aah! (O'Neill slaps DeMartino)

Mr. O'Neill - Oh.

Mr. DeMartino - Thank you, Timothy. I needed that.

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, well...

Mr. DeMartino - Don't do it again!

(in the casino)

Daria - Let's find someplace we can nap in peace.

Jane - All right. But first, let's gamble all our chips away in one grand, magnificently pointless gesture.

Daria - That's the only kind of gesture I make.

Mr. O'Neill (voiceover) - Give away the chips.

(Daria places chips on number 13)

Jane - Hey, wouldn't it be ironic if we won?

Dealer - Number eight.

Daria - So much for irony.

Mr. DeMartino - Daria, take my chips.

Daria - Excuse me?

Mr. DeMartino - You know, as a thank you for making me want to kill myself a little less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates.

Jane - You're not one of those "young people are our greatest hope" guys, are you?

Daria - Thanks, Mr. DeMartino, but I can't. I've already reached my fun quota.

Mr. DeMartino - Well, then, you take them, Jane. For being so...

Jane - Yes?

Mr. DeMartino - Angular.

Mr. O'Neill - Hello, everyone. Hope there aren't any "card sharps" here. (chuckles)

Jane - Hmm. It is tempting. Especially with Mr. O'Neill about to sit down at the poker table.

Daria - I bet he has a good poker face.

Jane - But I'd rather be sleeping. Thanks, anyway.

Mr. DeMartino - "Give the chips away..." "Poker face..." Aah! Poker!

(in the banquet room)

Tiffany - I wonder where Quinn could be?

Sandi - Tiffany, grooming facilities on these vessels are very primitive. She and Marco are probably fighting over mirror space.

Stacy - Wait. There she is! Hey, Quinn.

Tiffany - Hi.

Sandi - Hey, Quinn.

Stacy - What's up?

Tiffany - You look cute.

Quinn - Hi. Boy, I'm so glad I found you guys.

Stacy - Where's Marco?

Quinn - Oh, um, he got stuck at a photo shoot, but he said he might stop by later.

Tiffany - Later? We're on a boat.

Quinn - You know, Tiffany, there are things called helicopters.

Sandi - Gee, poor Marco must be the only model in the world who's ever had to work on a Saturday.

Quinn - Sandi, you act as if you don't believe me.

Sandi - Of course I believe you, Quinn. And even if I didn't, which I do, I would never tell anyone you've been stood up. It could put your popularity in free-fall, and I'm too good a friend for that.

Quinn - Thanks, Sandi. You are a good friend. I guess I'll get a soda. (leaves)

Sandi - Poor Quinn. I can't believe she's been (raises voice) stood up.

Girl #1 - Did you hear? Quinn's been stood up.

Girl #2 - Quinn's been stood up? Oh, my gosh.

(everyone starts whispering about Quinn)

Mr. DeMartino - Ha-ha! Three jacks! I win again!

(Ms. Li grumbles)

Mr. O'Neill - Um, Anthony, I really think you're taking a bad detour off recovery road.

Mr. DeMartino - Well, that's interesting. Deal! (laughs evilly)

(in the lounge)

Lee - You've had too much to drink, damn it. Now, get out of here and back in the pilothouse where you belong.

Captain - Aye aye, captain. (leaves drunkenly)

Lee - You're the captain, you idiot!

Jake - Okay, those must be the owners. You strike up a friendship with her while I dazzle him with a little consulting expertise.

(Helen sighs)

Jake - Ahoy there, mates. You must be the owners of this fine ship.

DeeDee - Right you are, handsome. I'm DeeDee, and this is my husband, Lee.

(all great each other)

(sound of crash followed by shout from captain)

Lee - Damn it! I've got to go escort that captain to the pilothouse, but let me stand you to a flagon of grog there, Jake. (leaves)

Jake - Grog? This is beer!

Bartender - Cheap beer.

Helen - My, what a lovely brooch.

DeeDee - It cost a fortune... little enough compensation for sleeping with that bozo for 30 years.

(Helen laughs uncomfortably)

Mr. O'Neill - I'm out of cash. Do you take credit cards?

(bartender points to "no credit" sign)

Mr. O'Neill - Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer! I don't know if you're interested, but they're looking for another poker player.

Helen - I'm on my way.

Jake - Helen?

Helen - Bye. Nice meeting you. (leaves)

Mr. O'Neill - Wait, Mrs. Morgendorffer. There's a player at the table who requires your special understanding. (leaves)

DeeDee - My, Jake. Your wife seems a little tense.

Jake - Oh. (chuckles) She's just, uh, very energetic.

DeeDee - But I'll bet you know how to relax her.

(Jake laughs nervously)

(on deck)

Jane - This cruise isn't so bad. We're doing the same thing here we'd be doing any other Saturday night.

Daria - You're right. Pleasant dreams.

(Kevin and Brittany enter)

Brittany - Oh, Kevvy, alone at last!

Kevin - Babe, want to join the Mile-High Club?

Daria - I know -- why don't you join the Bottom-of-the-Ocean Club?

Brittany - Hey, you've been spying on us! Come on, Kevvy. Let's go someplace where we can be alone.

Kevin - Yeah, let's get away from these nosey-bodies.

(Kevin and Brittany leave)

Jane - Back to the serenity of dreamland.

Daria - Yeah. I hope the fire-breathing cyclops hasn't caught me yet.

(in the lounge)

Jake - Now, there's nothing wrong with the name Princess Fairy, but if I were your consultant, I'd come up with something more... edgy, like the Elegante. Then, with a paint job and some new carpeting...

DeeDee - I don't know if my husband, El Cheapo, will go for spending that kind of money. He won't even paint the lifeboat.

Jake - Oh.

DeeDee - But maybe you and I can whip up a strategy to convince him. (grabs Jake's thigh)

(Jake yelps, moans, beats a hasty retreat)

(in the casino)

Ms. Li - Ha! Full house.

Mr. DeMartino - (screams) How could I, a born loser, ever delude myself into thinking that I could win at poker, when nothing in my whole miserable existence has ever worked out?

Ms. Li - Mr. DeMartino, please control yourself. It's only a game.

Helen - Not so fast. Read 'em and weep. Straight flush.

(Ms. Li groans)

(on deck)

(Kevin and Brittany make out in the lifeboat)

Brittany - Ooh, Kevvy...

(rope snaps, lifeboat falls into water)

Brittany - Oh, no! Kevvy, we're floating away!

Kevin - Don't worry, babe. I'll save us. (oars fall into water) Oops.

Brittany - Oh, no! Now what are we going to do?

(ship's whistle blows)

Kevin and Brittany - Help! Help us!

Jane - Do you hear Brittany and Kevin screaming?

Daria - No.

Jane - Me, neither. Nighty-night.

(Daria and Jane begin snoring)

(Quinn enters)

Quinn - Daria, I need your advice.

(Daria warily opens one eye)

(on deck)

Daria - My advice is: leave now and I won't turn you into shark kibble.

Quinn - I'm serious! The whole school is talking about how I got stood up.

Jane - You people just never want for stimulating conversation, do you?

Quinn - I know! How do I make them stop?

Daria - By acting like you don't care what they think.

Quinn - But I do care what they think. It's why I do what I do, wear what I wear, say what I say.

Jane - And I suppose if someone told you to read a book, you'd do that, too.

Daria - Look, just pretend you don't care. It'll take all the fun out of dragging your name through the mud, and the conversation will turn back to more important matters. Like which lip gloss has the longest staying power.

Jane - Besides, if you act upset they'll know you were stood up.

Daria - Yeah, so stop engaging in suspicious behavior.

Quinn - What suspicious behavior?

Daria - Hanging around us.

Quinn - Oh, you're right! (leaves)

Jane - That was easy.

Daria - I can do it in my sleep.

(both fall asleep again)

(in the casino)

Mr. DeMartino - Uh, Mr. Morgendorffer... I'm a little short on cash and I was wondering if you'd like to buy my watch.

Jake - Uh, maybe some other time. Say, that's a pretty cheap-looking item.

Mr. DeMartino - Jamie! (leaves)

Helen - I'll raise you 20.

Jake - Helen, I have to talk to you.

Helen - Not now, Jake.

Ms. Li - I'll see your 20 and raise you five.

Jake - Honey, it's important.

Helen - Not now, Jake!

(on deck)

Sandi - Excuse me... Quinn's visiting exchange student or whatever?

Stacy - We're really worried about Quinn.

Tiffany - Yeah, we want to make sure she wasn't really stood up.

Sandi - Marco did call from the shoot, right? Because it would be just awful if he didn't.

Daria - Yeah. He called.

Sandi - Oh. (leaves with Stacy and Tiffany)

Jane - You realize you just did something nice for your sister.

Daria - Must be the sleep deprivation.

(in the lifeboat)

Kevin - I know -- maybe if I light a match someone will see us. Aah! (falls into water)

Brittany - Quit splashing me!

Kevin - Sorry, babe. Hey, I found the matches.

(on deck at bow of ship)

DeeDee - Hello, there.

Mr. O'Neill - (yelps) I'm sorry. You startled me.

DeeDee - Little old me? (climbs onto railing) Don't just stand there, handsome. Hold onto my waist. (moaning) I feel so free.

Mr. O'Neill - Really? Um... that's nice.

(Ms. Barch approaches)

Ms. Barch - Hey! (pushes DeeDee)

DeeDee - Whoa... oh... whoa! (falls into water)

Ms. Barch - (tosses life preserver into water) Get a life! (climbs onto railing) Don't just stand there, Skinny. Hold onto my waist.

(in the pilothouse)

Jake - Oh, I've thought about chucking it all, believe you me. One day, I'm going to buy a boat. Sail it around the world -- twice!

Captain - I'm a mite tired, son. I'm going to bed. Try to be home by 11:00. (leaves)

Jake - Oh, hey, hey, wait... (runs after captain)

(boat heads towards garbage barge)

(on deck)

Helen - Daria! Have you seen your father?

Daria - (sleepily) Mom? Dr. Moreau invited you to the island, too?

Helen - I'm going to kill... there he is. Jake!

Jake - Listen, Helen! The captain...

Helen - No, you listen. Your little interruption broke my concentration and caused me to lose my big hand!

Jake - Oh, it did, did it? Well, your lack of support cost me a consulting job! Leaving me alone with that -- eww! -- DeeDee!

Helen - Oh, fine! Just blame everything on me!

Jake - Damn right I'm going to blame everything on you! It's your fault!

(Jake and Helen continue arguing)

Jane - We're never going to get any sleep, are we?

Daria - Not unless we kill every living thing on board.

Jane - I'm okay with that. Look, the fog's rolling in.

Daria - (sniffs) Eww... that's not fog. That's methane.

(barge approaches)

(in the casino)

Brent - I believe your story, Quinn. I mean, no guy would ever stand you up.

Quinn - Thanks, Brent.

(ship collides with barge)

(everyone screams and runs on deck)

(on deck)

Lee - Damn it! Where's the lifeboat?

Mr. DeMartino - The lifeboat?! Certainly you have more than one lifeboat!

Lee - Are you nuts? Do you know how much those things cost? Now where is it?

Mr. DeMartino - I don't know. Want to buy a watch?

(everyone starts leaping into water)

Jamie - I want to help Quinn off the boat.

Jeffy - But I was here first, so I get to.

Joey - But I know the heimlich maneuver.

Helen - I would've won that game, too.

Ms. Li - Except that you lost.

Helen - Oh!

(Sandi splashes around in a panic)

Sandi - Help! Whoa! I'm drowning!

(Daria and Jane jump into water, then stand up)

Daria - Stay there. I'll be right back with the life vest.

(everyone stands up in shallow water)

Brent - Hey, Sandi? About going out for some food... I think I'll take a rain check.

Girl #1 - Did you hear? Sandi's been dumped.

Girl #2 - Oh, no. Sandi's been dumped?

(everyone whispers about Sandi)

(Barch and O'Neill smooch inside ship)

(in the car)

Quinn - So... now that Sandi's been dumped, she won't dare bring up Marco. (Daria and Jane fall alseep on Quinn's shoulders) Eww! Get off me! (pushes them away)

Helen - Not now, Quinn. I'm talking to your father. You just had to interfere.

Jake - Oh, yeah? Well, none of this would've happened if you hadn't left me with that... that nympho!

(on road near beach)

Marco - Excuse me, but, like, I think I'm supposed to meet someone at a party here?

DeeDee - Actually, the party's moved. (hails cab) Come on, you can ride with me.

Marco - But...

(in the lifeboat)

(thunder rumbles)

Kevin - Wait! I think I see the rescue boat! Oh, no. It's a cloud. But doesn't it look kind of like a boat? Or maybe more like a camel.

(rain begins falling)

(Brittany shrieks and starts hitting Kevin with her purse)

(closing credits)