Take My Life, Please

(SINGING) The Simpsons (CROW CAWING) (MUFFLED SCREAM) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (BARNEY BELCHES) (HORN BELLOWING) (LENNY SHRIEKS) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (EX CLAIMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (BRAKES SCREECHING) Aha! (MARGE GASPS) Today we induct the newest honoree to the Springfield Wall of Fame, who will take his place along such luminaries as Duffman, Poochie and the man who invented the yield sign, Paul Yield. Now please welcome the newest inductee into the Springfield Wall of Fame, local businessman, frequent flyer silver cardholder, and legendary 20% tipper, (ALL GASP) Springfield's own Vance Connor! (ALL CHEERING) - Hi, hi. - MAN: You're better than us! - Homer, that guy's your age? - No, he's ten days younger. So you're saying he'll look like you in ten days? If he's lucky. The guy owns a few local businesses and everyone treats him like he's God! Well, God doesn't need his own special day. What about Sunday? Sunday's the Lord's day, boy. Not God's. Completely different guy. Your father's just jealous because Vance was our class president in high school. If I had won class president, I'd be the one getting thrown up in the air right now. Dad, you ran for class president? Yep. Back in high school, right before I met your mother. A simpler time when the only thing we worried about was total nuclear annihilation. (ROCK THE BOA TPLAYING) - (SINGING) Rock the boat - (SINGING) Don't rock the boat, baby - Rock the boat - Don't tip the boat over So under my reign as vice president, we sent three mathletes to the state finals. All of the tenth graders' lima beans germinated. - ALL: Yeah! - Yeah, you should be proud. So if you want to build on that, vote for me, and you will all advance with Vance! Now I'm gonna throw it back to a guy who, in my opinion, is the classiest principal in the business, (DONDALINGER COUGHING) Principal Dondalinger! Ladies, I've seen him up close. And, yes, his eyes are that green. Our next candidate is Homer Simpson. Please hold your applause forever. (MICROPHONE WHISTLING) My fellow Wildcats. My name is Homer Simpson. (LOUDL Y) There are many reasons why I I I You know what? (CONFUSED MURMURING) I spent all night working on that speech. But now I realize the best thing to do is speak from my heart. - WOMAN: His heart! - So I feel that Fellow Wildcats (STAMMERING IN FEAR) Webster defines In the words of Ted Nugent You School spirit Next card The future (ALL LAUGHING) I've never heard a speech so bad. Ten days detention! No fair! Anyone who votes for Vance gets a half day tomorrow. Half day, eh? (GROANS) Don't feel bad, Homie. I married you! And you're a million times better than (GASPS) Here comes Vance! - Hey, Vance! - Thanks for coming out. - Hey, Gail. I love your bangs. - Hi. There they are. My favorite mixed-race couple. Guys that popular and confident are never truly happy. - He looks happy. - Tears of a clown. He's not crying. And he's not known for clowning. Exception that proves the rule. If losers like me know one thing, it's that deep down, winners like him are miserable. Watch, I'll prove it. Angry nut coming through! Clear a path, boys. (HOMER MURMURING ANGRILY) - Hey, Vance. - Hey, Homer Simpson. How you been? Great. Thanks. Listen, settle a bet. Behind that smile, you're dying, right? Behind this smile is a bigger smile trying to get out. Oh! Oh! Here it comes! Oh, yeah! Please! You gotta have some secret agony! I bet those fancy shoes hurt your feet. No. Actually they're like two leather clouds. Oh! Got them from a buddy of mine with a store in Shelbyville. - You want his number? - No. Yes. Hey, Homer. You want to try my new Vance Connorpolitan? Like Vance, it is smooth, cool, and oh so sophisticated. I'll just stick with my beer. Homer, why are you so down on Vance Connor? - He gave me one of his kidneys. - Yeah, me, too. Because when Vance beat me in that election, he ruined my life. Why did you just exchange that look of guilt? (SIGHS) Lenny, I think it's time for us to come clean. (SOFTLY) About how we give each other haircuts? No. We'll take that secret to our graves. I'm talking about You know. (CLEARS THROAT) Right. Listen, Homer. Something weird happened back in high school. Teenage Carl and I were walking down the hallway when You two. I want you to take this box and bury it in the woods. The true results of this election must never be known. I tell you what. We'll do it under one condition. Our parents want us to go to college. But with a bad enough recommendation from you, we can stay here and party. Okay. But screw this up and it's Carnegie Mellon University for the both of you! (BOTH GASP) So there's a chance I actually won. I gotta dig up that ballot box! - Just let it go, Homer. - AI Gore? Homer, I had a presidential election stolen from me. But I moved on. And I think you could say everything worked out all right. Isn't that right, Alfred? (IN HIGH VOICE) "It sure is, Albert. " (HOMER MUTTERING) Ballots stolen. Real winner unknown. What is the truth? I gotta know! - Lenny, wake up! - Finally you return my shovel! That's not why I'm here. Get dressed! - California casual or business attire? - California casual. (LENNY GULPS) (HOMER AND LENNY GRUNTING) - There it is! - The ballot box? No. This is the box that tells us where the ballot box is. (LENNY READING) What will this box reveal? And what will I use this box for afterwards? Mismatched nuts and bolts? Recipes? I may never know. LISA: Vance Connor. HOMER: D'oh! LISA: Homer Simpson. HOMER: Woo-hoo! - Vance Connor. - D'oh! - Homer Simpson. - Woo-hoo! - Vance Connor. - D'oh! - Homer Simpson. - Woo-hoo! - Please stop doing that. - "D'oh," or "woo-hoo"? Both. Homer Simpson, Vance Connor, Fonzie, Homer Simpson. And the winner is (GASPS) Homer Simpson. Yes! I'm senior class president! I get a parking spot if the assistant principal isn't using it! (HOMER LAUGHING) Wait a second. If I'd been class president like I was supposed to, I'd be the one with the big mansion, and the color TVs, and the hot wife! - Hey! - Marge, I still would be married to you, but you would just be hotter. Ohhh! Dad, just 'cause you won a high school election doesn't mean your whole life would've been better. That's exactly what it means! And Dondalinger took that life away from me! And the taking of a life is murder! And the punishment for murder is Well, it varies from state to state and by race, but I'm gonna find Dondalinger and tell him I know what he did last summer, (DONDALINGER CHUCKLES) That's the thing about you assistant principals. You can drive the ball but you can't putt. (ALL LAUGHING) Wait a minute. You're not in our foursome. No other foursome would have me. My legs gross people out. HOMER: Dondalinger! Uh-oh. Looks like one of my former students on a quest for truth. Dondalinger, I should've been class president! But you stole the election from me! I can explain. But are you sure we should talk in front of your son? Yes! I want him to know that if your life doesn't turn out the way you want, there's someone else to blame! (CHUCKLING) I already knew that, Dad. I'm gonna blame you. I respect your choice. Now drive back to the clubhouse and order me a Tom Collins. With a virgin Tom Collins for me? (SCOFFS) Virgin. What are you? A girl? (BART LAUGHS) Now, Dondalinger, I want some answers. Very well. It's a fact, I didn't like you, Simpson. Still don't. You lie. You love me. Whatever complex emotions I feel, they're not why I did what I did. There was another reason. (JIVE TALKIN'PLAYING) Jive talkin' You're telling me lies Jive talkin' (CHUCKLES) Homer Simpson, what a loser! Hey, what if we got everyone to vote for him as a joke and he won? Then we could laugh at him all the way through high school and at every reunion! - Go, sports! - Go, sports! (BOTH GRUNTING) Hmm. So you see, I disposed of the ballot box to spare your feelings. You denied me my dream! So I'm angry! But you did it out of kindness, so I'm grateful. I'm filled with respect and contempt for you. I Why you Oh. (HOMER GRUNTS ANGRILY) You are so I hate you! As principal, I did a lot of things I'm not proud of. I would steal school chalk from my own chalkboard. But I'm not sorry I rigged that election. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna sit under that tree and think of all the women I could've talked to but didn't. Hmm. The brown-haired girl gave me a look. The red head in the park was reading a book. The girl at the airport upgraded my car. Tonight, I wonder just where you are. Homie, you're barely eating. Yeah. I can actually see your hands. They're not just a blur. I don't feel much like eating. I'll never know what would've happened if I had been class president. LUIGl: (IN ITALIAN ACCENT) You could know if you dared. Huh? Who said that? In the kitchen is a man from the old country who works for me. He stirs the sauce. They say if he stirs the sauce just right, he can also see what might have been! As a rational skeptic, I find that hard to believe. Also as a vegetarian, I hope there's not meat in that sauce. - Any other orders, Mussolini? - No. That's it. (IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Watch the sauce. You see what I see? - I see a hair. - You see too much! Now watch the sauce of bubbling red. - And see the life you could've led. - Okay. (COOK GRUNTING) COOK: Yes, I like to stir. Your new senior class president is, (BOY LAUGHS) (SIGHS) Homer Simpson. (ALL LAUGHING) - Our president's a real loser! - Yeah. A loser like us! He proves you don't have to be popular to have everyone like you. - (CHANTING) Homer! Homer! Homer! - BOTH: (CHANTING) Homer! Homer! ALL: Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer (ECHOING) I would've been a winner! Instead of some idiot spending his Saturday nights staring into a bowl of sauce! Why did fate do this to me? Ask the garlic bread. Why? Why? Hey, everyone! The stupid fat man's talking to garlic bread! (COOK LAUGHING) Come on, stir! I must see more! Homie, please. Nothing good will come of this. Marge, unlike CPR, this is something I must know! Very well. Now we must once more stare madly into the sauce. Mr. President, we need a class song, a class motto, and a class mascot! Color My World, "Disco Sucks," and Butthead the goat. Mr. President, do you approve of the bailout of the French Club? They're too big to fail. Homer, do you have a date for the prom yet? Sorry. The only girl I could ever want is right over there. Debbie Pinson. Hey, Debbie. Want to go to prom with me? Well, I'm engaged to the quarterback, but yes! Forget it, Marge. A girl like you could never land a Homer Simpson. LISA: Aha! So Dad's life would actually have been worse because he wouldn't have gotten together with Mom, his one true love. Just keep watching the sauce, girlie. (BAND PLAYING SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) (HOMER SIGHS) I got the biggest lapels, the ruffliest shirt, and the most beautiful girl. Thank you, Homer. Debbie, I forgot I have an English paper due on Monday. Would you read To Kill a Mockingbird for me? And if you could write down how Boo Radley fits into the southern gothic tradition, that would be great. Nobody's ever asked me to use my head brain before. (ALL CLAPPING) Homer Simpson, class president. MARGE: Oh, my God! He's talking to me! A lot of great things have happened to me lately. (CHUCKLES) But they're nothing compared to meeting you. - May I have this dance? - Only if it lasts forever. Homer Simpson! I was gonna let you get to fifth base! It would've been something you told your grandchildren about! Sorry, Debbie. I hope you can find happiness without me. (HOMER HUMMING) Who wants a cheerleader on the rebound? I do! Right. I can hardly believe this is real. Marge, the way I feel about you is as real and lasting as my hairline. (EX CLAIMS) Who's that side of beef munching on our sister? I don't know. But in this reality I am not gay. Hubba hubba! HOMER: Sweet dreams. Young man, you have the noble bearing of the Barbarian leader Vercingetorix. Thank you, mysterious weirdo. Tell me, what student government office do you hold? Secretary? Treasurer? Dare I say secretary-treasurer? I'm class president. Hot dog! Say, how would you like to work for me? - Sir, we could start him off in Sector 7G. - 7G? Let the Lennys and the Carls of the world waste their wretched lives in that testicle-shriveling torture chamber. Son, you'll be working in sector 6F! LISA: Aha! So Dad's life would've been the same! He would've married Mom and worked for Mr. Burns. It would've been a push. - Can you keep her quiet? - Not even when she's snorkeling. I was describing beautiful fish, Bart! (COOK SIGHS) (WHISTLING) How you doing, Dad? I can't complain. And I never do. Thanks for letting me live in your guesthouse. Honey, I'm home! Where are the kids? You used protection. We never had any. Well, that's what's missing. Our lives would be horrible without the kids. Yes. That must be it. This is the best of all possible worlds! Blah-blah-blah. I want to live in the sauce! If you could live in the sauce, don't you think I would live in the sauce? (COOK SPEAKING ITALIAN) (SIGHS) - How long has he been there? - I don't know. But he's algae-fying. - Homie, please come inside? - Okay. (HOMER SIGHS) - Dad, we need to have a talk. - I get it. You're all gonna try to convince me that my life is great just like it is, right? Are you kidding? We couldn't even convince you that Bruce Wayne is Batman! Come on! That millionaire playboy? He's too busy socializing at cocktail parties and managing the affairs of the Wayne Foundation! Don't open this one again. (WHISPERING) Why does he think Alfred's friends with Batman? Just stop! Dad, we think the sauce had it all wrong. Look who thinks he's smarter than sauce. Sweetheart, I think you'd feel better after we take a little walk. HOMER: Why would you bring me here? It's like bringing Richard Nixon to the Watergate, or Kevin Costner to Waterworld. Really? (GASPS) My own plaque! And one for Vice President Butthead! Cool! Is that why you brought me here, spirits? Yep. In the future, people will look at this and they'll say, "Whoever he was, he must've mattered. " I guess that would be nice. Pardon me. Can my son have his picture taken with you? Really? Sure. Dad, do you think I could be elected class president? Well, we can't all be Homer Simpson, son. Thanks, guys. Hey, was there another plaque here before? Plaques come, plaques go. Now let's get something to eat! - How about Italian? - God, no! I hear there's a Korean barbecue place where the beef spells out the date of your death. Whoo! That sounds like fun!