Halo Dick

Cortana: Waypoint set, Master Chief. Covenant forces incoming.

Master Chief: You're my eyes and ears, Cortana. On my way. Right after I take a quick leak.

Cortana: Detecting enemy oh! I-I'm sorry!

Master Chief: Oh, shit! Cortana! Wait! Oh, great.

Cortana: Um, enemy combatant.

Master Chief: Wait, Cortana. Remember, did you see my peener? I mean, I don't care. I'm just, it's just, I'm stressed right now with the fighting, and my peener's a little smaller than usual.

Cortana: Heads up!

[Master Chief shoots a Grunt.]

Master Chief: Got 'em. Anyway, I don't want to beat a dead horse here, but my peener being that small, that's, like, a super-rare thing.

Cortana: Noted.

Master Chief: You know what? I still got to pee just a little bit. Can I have a second?

Cortana: Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Master Chief: Okay little chief, time to chub up. Here we go. Alyssa Milano in "Poison Ivy 2," girl from "Cradle of love" video. Mmm, nice. Houston, we have plumage. Cortana, Cortana!

Cortana: Yes, Chief, what is the- Oh, god!

Master Chief: Oh, it's crazy! There was an attack! Oh, man. I hope I wasn't shot! Uh, head, chest, my peener, that is right now at the length and thickness that represents the usual size of my peener.

Cortana: Chief.

Master Chief: Sorry if you caught a glimpse of my peener during that. You saw that, right? Crazy.

Cortana: It's not a big deal. [chuckles] Literally.

Master Chief: Pardon me?

Elite: Hey, needle peen!

[An Elite shoots Master Chief.]

Master Chief: Aah!