The Interview

The Interview is the second episode of the British sitcom Peep Show. It originally aired on September 26, 2003. Lines in parentheses represent internal monologues spoken by the characters via voice-over.

Transcript

[Opening credits]

[Inside Mark’s bedroom, where he is getting dressed]

Mark: (I wonder what kind of socks Sophie wears. Do women wear socks? Well, yes, sometimes is the answer to that. Socks before or after trousers, but never socks before pants, that's the rule. Makes a man look scary, like a chicken.)

[Jeremy walks by nude, except for socks, on his way to the bathroom]

Mark: (He just does not give one solitary shit.)

[Inside bathroom, Jeremy is urinating carelessly in and on the toilet]

Jez: (Yeah, take that, big Suze. Your toilet-seat regime is over. Ah, freedom.)

[Inside the kitchen, Mark is making toast].

Mark: (Brown for first course, white for pudding. Brown is savoury, white's the treat. ‘Course I'm the one who's laughing because I actually love brown toast.)

[Jez enters kitchen].

Jez: (There he is.)

Mark: Dr. J!

Jez:  Good morning, Mark.

Mark: Sorry I didn't manage to hook up with you and Super Hans last night…

[Jez tunes out as he makes himself toast]

Jez: (Wedge of ballast, then bed again.)

Mark: …then Barbara pops up with "Is the Birbeck file ready yet?"…

[Jez stares into the toaster and pokes bread with a knife]

Jez: (It's a bit like the crusher in Star Wars but red hot. What if Mum and Dad were trapped in one and I had a big hook I could swing down to rescue one of them. Who would I pick?)

Mark: I didn't get a chance to tell you the good news. Yeah there’s a vacancy going for a clerical assistant and I've managed to swing you an interview.

Jez: Uh-huh. (Clerical assistant? I can't be a clerical assistant. I'm a musician. You wouldn't ask the Chemical Brothers to do your laundry for you, they’d be off their tits.)

Mark: So is tomorrow at 11 all right?

Jeremy: Tomorrow at 11. Yeah, sure. I'll set the video.

[In the living room, Mark and Jez are watching TV]

Mark: It's a damn good company and it'll be the two of us together, Jez and Mez, the El Dude Brothers.

Jez: Mm-hmm, it's just the music, it's really starting to hot up.

Mark: You know how much I respect your music, it’s just--

Jez: Super Hans said he’s come up with a bass loop for our new track that is so good that when he tried turning it off, he literally couldn't. He actually physically couldn’t do it.

Mark: I'm on your side. Every artist needs his patron but, you know, there's a limit.

Jez: Oh. The rent.

[Jeremy changes the channel]

Mark: I'm not some kind of land baron trying to milk his cash cow, it’s just --

Jez: Don't worry, you'll get your milk. This track's a banker.

[On TV, Peters and Lee sing Somethin’ Stupid]

Jez: Everybody needs their Somethin' Stupid.

Mark: Sorry?

Jez: The guy who wrote that, he's probably up to his neck in penny loafers and blue pool tables.

[Jez changes the channel again, landing on The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross]

Mark: Right?

Jez: Blimey, what's God up to?

Mark: But listen Jeremy, just in case the song doesn't work out, maybe you'd better fill this out and fax it over by three.

Jez: Mmm.

Mark: Think about it. And have a great day, yeah? See you tonight.

Jez: Uh yeah, cool. Have a good one.

Mark: You, too, mate.

Jez: Bye, mate.

Mark: (Work-shy freeloader.)

Jez: (Tight-fisted cock-muncher. Maybe next time I have breakfast, he'll make me sit a fucking exam.)

[Inside office at JLB Credit]

Mark: (I wonder what Sophie's flirty cartoon will be today. I really should ask her out for lunch.)

[Mark runs to catch the elevator]

Mark: Can you hold that?

[Young man in elevator makes no effort to hold the door]

Mark: (You bastard.) Thanks. Third floor? (I mean, what's the worst that could happen? She could say no. Actually, that would be terrible. It would destroy me if she said no.)

Mark: There is a notice, you know, about only riding the lift to the first floor. You're wasting mine and other people's time, not to mention—

[Young man exits elevator with pronounced limp]

Mark: Oh. Uh, OK.

[On Mark’s office floor, walking down hallway toward his desk]

Mark: (People like him should wear stickers. They’ve got them for their cars. Oh, yeah. Great idea, Adolf.)

Sophie: Morning, Mark.

Mark: Hey, Sophie. (Go on, ask her.) Sophie, are you -- I mean, would-- How's your day going thus far? Have a nice shower or bath?

Sophie: Why, do I smell?

Mark: God, no, you don't smell. I mean, you smell nice - not that I've smelt you.

Sophie: Uh-huh, see ya.

Mark: Later, potater. (Uh, potater. What have I become?)

[Inside Mark and Jez’ apartment, Jez walking into Mark’s bedroom]

Jez: (Super Hans said he'll be here in 20 minutes. Means I've got at least an hour. I bet Mark's got some porn here somewhere.)

[Back at JLB Credit, at Mark’s desk]

Mark: (OK, where's today's cartoon? Mmm, not bad. No discernible romantic overtones. OK pen, let's flirt with Sophie.)

[Back at the apartment, Jez is searching through Mark’s room]

Jez: (Mark's got no conception. He thinks I'm so -- but really I'm busting my creative balls here, day in, day out. No, but it's all, "Where's the money? Where's my rent?” I mean where’s the rent, Mr. Jim Morrison? Mr. Keats? No, you don't like the attack dog, do you, Mr. Keats? Hold on I think I've struck the motherload!)

[Back at JLB credit, Mark viewing his drawing] 

Mark: (What the hell is that? That is very gay, that's what that is. Come on, go crazy! You're hungry like the wolf!)

[Back at the apartment, Jez has found a magazine in Mark’s closet]

Jez: (Fantasy Figure Modeller. Jesus. Maybe this is his porn.)

[Back at JLB Credit, Mark is finishing another drawing]

Mark: (I'm giving her a love heart. Yes, that's good. No, no, it's not good. It's terrible. Think "crazy horse", think "in your face". What would Jeremy do? Heh heh, yeah, that's it, love’s for Nazis.

[Mark adds a swastika to his drawing]

Mark: (Yeah, crazy love. Nazi love. I'm a nutter!)

[Back at the apartment, Jez is viewing the figure modeler magazine]

Jez: (I'm a dirty hobbit and she's a sexy elf so she might be "'Ohh! You dirty hobbit. Take off my bodkin and my jerkin.” Oh, yeah, pixie ears. But that sword. What if she was a hobbit slayer? I'd just use my enchanted amulet. Yeah. Yield to me, hobbit-slayer. You will touch my magic cock.)

[Back at JLB Credit, Mark is bringing his swastika drawing to Sophie’s desk]

Mark: [singing] (And then I go and seal the deal by doing something wicked like this cartoon. Swastika love. It's bloody mental.)

[Inside Jez’ room, Jez and Super Hans are listening to a track]

Super Hans: So what do you think?

Jez: I dunno.

Super Hans: Yeah, it's zzzhhhh! In your face.

Jez: It's just… I don't like it.

Super Hans: Yeah well, I do.

Jez: I just don't.

Super Hans: Oh, right. Well this is it, is it? This is the end of the Hair Blair Bunch.

Jez: Uh, we are not the Hair Blair Bunch.

Super Hans: Whatever. Sorry, this is the end of Spunk Bubble.

Jez: This is the end of Mama's Kumquat.

Super Hans: This is not the end of Mama’s Kumquat Jez, ‘cause I never agreed to it being Mama’s Kumquat.

Jez: Look, if this is it, if this is John and Paul 1970, then I need money for the equipment.

Super Hans: This is like your whole Balearic bullshit, innit? One minute, it's all, "Oh I love ya, man," the next, it's, "Where's that 50 quid you owe me?"

Jez: Look I'm just saying I need money, and --

Super Hans: Listen, mate. Shit is as shit does, my friend. Oh look Jez, I’m sorry mate this is all bullshit. We can't just let the Hair Blair Bunch --

Jez: We are not the Hair Blair Bunch!

[Back at JLB Credit, Mark is walking rapidly back to Sophie’s desk]

Mark: (A bloody swastika. That is the single worst single bloody idea ever. I mean, a swastika! It's gone. It's happened. Oh, yeah, do what Jeremy would do. Thanks, Jeremy, you tit.)

[Inside Apollo House hallway, Jez is approaching Toni’s door]

Jez: (Yeah, perfect plan. I want to fax this off then oh, Toni, I feel incredibly tired. Let's just both lie down on your bed. Hope she gets out the bong, not the fucking cafetiere.)

[Inside Toni’s apartment, she appears carrying a cafetiere]

Jez: Yeah so I was wondering. You're an urban, switched-on kind of lady. You've probably got a fax machine and all that stuff, right?

Toni: A fax machine? Yeah right, like I'd have a fax machine. What have you just come from the 1980s? This is like that movie The Spaceman and King Arthur, but in reverse.

Jez: Yeah. No I was just got this crappy job application.

Toni: Right... OK. Listen, tell me something Jeremy. Have you ever tried washing up without using washing-up liquid?

Jez: What? Has Mark been talking to you?

Toni: Could you clean a pot or a pan without using a scrubbing brush, a sponge or a scouring pad?

Jez: I don't think so.

Toni: So what you're saying is these kind of products are essential – the kind of products no one could do without?

Jez: Well, you're kind of making me say that, but—

Toni: Now the first thing to say is that this is definitely not pyramid selling, OK?

Jez: Right. Good. What's pyramid selling?

[At JLB Credit, Mark’s office, where he is eating a bag of crisps]

Mark: (Enter the pit of Sarlacc, little crisps.)

[Sophie walks by]

Mark: (She's ignoring me. Of course, she's ignoring me, this morning I sent her a bloody swastika. Jesus! This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone ever and -- relax, Mark. You're not Hitler in his bunker. He was really under the cosh. Mind you, at least he had a girlfriend. OK, enough mooning, let's strap on the nosebag and eat some serious work.)

[Back at Toni’s apartment, she is showing him sales graphs]

Toni: I mean, does that look like a pyramid to you? Clearly, it's not a pyramid. It's a pie.

Jez: And it's like a big, lovely club with free money for everyone? I mean it sounds great, but—

Toni: Free money for everyone? Ha! Look out the window Jeremy, that's never going to happen, not in this old world. No, see, the early birds are going to find their bird table covered in money pie.

Jez: Right.

Toni: But the Johnny and Sally Come-Latelys, they get a slice of the pie, but then they look closer and oh, dear, it's only pastry. Boo-hoo, Johnny and Sally. Are you with me?

[Back at JLB credit, Mark’s desk]

Mark: (Blown it with Sophie. Who's next? Big Suze? Never met her, not necessarily a disadvantage.)

[Mark struggles with locking his desk drawer]

Mark: (Why don't I get this fixed, why don’t I ever get this fucking thing fixed?! Every night it’s fift-- ah, it always comes out eventually, fuck it.)

Sophie: Hey, Mark. Liked the cartoon.

Mark: Oh, I'm so--you did?

Sophie: Yeah, it's meant to be me and Barbara from Personnel, right? And she's handing me this heart of holiday pay, um but in the heart, it's just…

Mark: Race hate?

Sophie: Exactly. That's so Barbara, she's such a racist.

Mark: Right, exactly. Listen, Sophie, I was wondering if I could get your home number. I mean, for work, in case I need to swap a shift or-- that is, if you don't—

Sophie: No, I don't, if that's what you want.

Mark: (She's actually writing it.)

Sophie: There you go. See you later.

Mark: Oh, hang on, this isn't enough numbers. Oh, no, it is enough numbers. (Oh, God, I hope she doesn't mind about my balls.)

[Inside the apartment, Jez and Mark are watching TV]

Man on TV: One step out of line, the slightest hint of any maverick behavior and you will be out.

Mark: Exactly. If it's such a bad thing to do things by the book, there wouldn’t be a book. (Have to keep an eye on him if he gets it. If there’s one thing JLB does not need, it’s a maverick.) So anyway, things went rather well with—

Jez: I bet he did it.

Mark: Oh, what? Just because he's black?

Jez: No, I mean, not because-- he was at the garage at the beginning!

Mark: I know what you meant. Anyway, in the end, I got Sophie's number.

Jez: We already know he's the only one with the key to the lock-up.

Mark: So do you think I should give her a call? I probably should, shouldn’t I. Oh I really don't know if I should.

Jez: Well, maybe you should.

Mark: OK listen, if God's doing mountains or sky or water, I'll call. If he's doing trees or critters, I won't.

Jez: All right, let God decide. Ready?

[Jez changes the channel to The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross]

Mark: Yeah, sky! Right, here goes.

[Mark dials Sophie]

Mark: Answerphone.

Jez: Ah, you see! He did do it, but for a nice reason. Who's the racist now, Mark?

Mark: Uh, Sophie. If you heard that, please ignore it, I'm not a racist. Far from it. Anyway uh it's good to hear your voice. I know it's only a recording but you have got a bloody nice voice and… God, I just called up to say hi and then, [breaks into song] then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I like you. I mean, not that. But anyway I noticed that the paper in the photocopier is running a bit low so I know it's not really your job but uh well you know, so, uh see you tomorrow.

[hangs up phone]

Mark: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Jez: Oh, fuck!

Mark: Oh, my God.

Jez: Jesus!

Mark: I've really fucked it haven’t I? Have I fucked it?

Jez: Maybe it was charming.

Mark: It was the behavior of an oddball.

Jez: No, not an oddball. A maverick. You may not play by the rules, but by Christ, you get results. Come on, let's go and have a drink, forget about it.

[Inside bathroom, Mark is seated on toilet, Jez in the bathtub]

Jez: Have you forgotten about the phone call yet?

Mark: No.

Jez: Right. Tell me Mark, how much washing-up do you think you could do without any washing-up liquid?

Mark: I'm sorry?

Jez: Exactly. And what about our friends and neighbors and colleagues?

Mark: What?

Jez: I mean everyone needs cleaning products and that's the one thing that’s never gonna change, right?

Mark: Why are you talking like this?

Jez: Well, that’s a very interesting question. Now, the first thing to say would be that this is not pyramid selling.

Mark: You're doing pyramid selling?

Jez: No no, not pyramid selling.

Mark: I can't believe you're into pyramid selling.

Jez: Listen, listen, it's not pyramid selling, it's network marketing and it's a guaranteed money-making--  Mark I've seen the - the charts.

Mark: Oh, the charts. There are charts. Why didn’t you tell me about the charts?

Jez: Are you trying to piss on my bonfire?

Mark: I'm trying to protect you from pissing all over yourself.

Jez: I'm not about to piss all over myself. I'm-- I'm pissing into the big time.

Mark: You're still coming to the interview.

Jez: Well, I thought --

Mark: Listen, Jeremy, you don't seem to understand. Nothing you want is ever gonna happen. That's the real world. Your hair isn't red, people don't walk around on stilts. Maybe somewhere, you can earn a living sitting around drinking margaritas through a curly plastic straw, but in this world, you've got to turn up, log on and grind out.

Jez: Yeah but if you get in early--

Mark: Come Friday, you will owe me three months' rent. You're coming to the interview.

Jez: OK. (Oh I'll come to the interview, all right, but I don’t think I’ll be getting the job.) Huh-huh.

Mark: What?

Jez: Uh, nothing, just something funny. Can you?

[At JLB Credit, Mark is walking into work]

Mark: (Maybe she will think it was charming. Yeah, maybe. Just keep clear of her until you’ve worked out a -- I could say Jeremy had a gun and made me sing it, because he's a crackhead and he does that sort of thing all the time. Yeah yeah, that sounds great – me living in my crack house, maybe you can be a crack bitch 'and sit on my--)

[Sophie appears, coming through a door at the end of the hallway]

Mark: (Shit! Shit, sugar, fudge, piss, poop, pants, bollocks.)

[Mark ducks into the supply closet and closes the door]

Mark: (Yes, blitzkrieg! I'm in the Ardennes! You can't touch me in the Ardennes. Concealed in the cupboard. Everything's OK in the cupboard. I'm safe in the cupboard.)

[Jeff opens the closet door]

Jeff: Mark? You're in the stationery cupboard.

Mark: That's right, Jeff.

Jeff: OK. Right. Well um, I hope you're having a good time.

Mark: Yeah, well

[Sophie appears in the background]

Sophie: Hi, Mark.

Mark: Hi Sophie. I'm just in the cupboard right now. About the message, we'll talk later, yeah?

Sophie: Er, yeah, fine.

[Mark pulls the door shut, closing himself inside]

Mark: [muffled shouting inside closet] Nooooo!

[At JLB Credit, where Jez has arrived for his job interview]

Jez: Ok, here we go. Operation ‘Come Over Like an Unemployable Freak’.

Barbara: Jeremy Usbourne? Hi, I'm Barbara. Do you want to walk this way?

Jez: Right you are. I might wobble because I'm a bit pissed from last night you see, and I don't want to get your hopes up ‘cause I have to say - I'm only really here because, you know--

[They enter a room where Mark is seated at a table]

Barbara: Obviously you know Mark Corrigan.

Jez: Mark. (Oh, shit.)

Barbara: Mark’s one of the team of loan managers you’d be working for…

Jez: (Got to be really careful. Don't want to get the job, don’t want to piss off the land baron.)

Mark: (He looks like crap.)

Barbara: …we have to make sure we've ticked all the boxes, so to speak and kept everything above board. So if I can outline the basic requirements of the role you'll be undertaking, you'll basically be responsible for updating and maintaining the filing system. Now that probably doesn’t sound very important but the truth is…

Jez: (Shit, what's she talking about? Nod. Look serious. I'm Di, she's Bashir.

Barbara: … is a portal through which the whole company communicates, and if you think about it…

Mark: (Great, he'll be able to pay off the Blockbusters fine, plus I'll be able to order him around. Not horrible, just "Jeremy, could you file this for me? Jeremy, could you take that for me? Jeremy, could you suck this for me?" Jesus! Where did that come from?)

Barbara: …one of the most valuable assets a company can have. Now, do you have any experience in this field?

Jez: Er, I've done quite a lot, actually. I mean, not formal filing but alphabeti-ba-cising the videos, doing the spices. I suppose what I'd want to do is build on that experience in a professional zone. Sphere. I meant sphere. (God, that sounded amazing! Don't accidentally get the bugger.)

Barbara: We're doing great. So, I see you used to be a nurse. Wouldn't filing be a bit of a step down?

Jez: Yeah, I suppose it would, actually. Although I'm looking for something more relaxing.

Mark: Challenging. He means, challenging.

Barbara: I expect Jeremy knows what he means, Mark.

Mark: Yes, right.

Jez: No, challenging is right, um, but a bit more of a relaxing challenge. More like doing a crossword than a tracheotomy.

Barbara: Right.

Jez: (Oh, shit. My natural bloody charm's only swinging it. Got to do something.)

[Jez pulls a face at Barbara while Mark isn’t looking]

Barbara: Are you OK?

Mark: What?

Jez: It's just a thing I have.

Mark: What thing?

Jez: Facial spasming.

Mark: Facial spa-- you do not have—

Jez: I do, sometimes.

Barbara: Well, um I guess that's everything. Jeremy, is there anything you'd like to ask?

Jez: Yes, Barbara. Yes, there is. Barbara, how much washing-up do you think you could do without any washing-up liquid?

Mark: No, Jeremy.

Barbara: Where's this..?

Jez: It's a unique business opportunity.

Mark: It's pyramid selling Barbara, I’m very sorry and --

Jez: It's not pyramid selling, Mark.

Mark: It is pyramid selling and you're making a fool of yourself.

Jez: You're pissing on my bonfire!

Mark: There is no bonfire!

Jez: Because you keep pissing on it!

Mark: This is low. This is really low.

Jez: Yeah, well, at least I don't fancy elves and pixies.

Mark: What does that mean? I literally have no idea what that is supposed to mean!

Barbara: OK uh well, thanks for coming in. We'll be in touch.

[Mark walking down the JLB hallway toward Sophie’s desk]

Mark: (Well, that was a fucking disaster. I want compensation. I want reparations - brutal reparations! I want the Rhineland. It's going to be 1919 all over again. Fuck the inevitable backlash! OK. It's OK, Mark. Later. Now, calm. Calm, honest and mature.)

Mark: Hi, Sophie.

Sophie: Hey, Mark. I just bumped into your flatmate in reception.

Mark: Oh yeah?

Sophie: Yeah I liked him, he kept talking about washing up. Very funny, like Jim Carrey.

Mark: Huh. Yeah, I know what you mean. (Get your tanks off my lawn, Jeremy.) But uh listen, Sophie, about the message last night. I want to kind of come clean really. It's a bit embarrassing but, well, the thing is Jeremy, sometimes, for a laugh, makes me say things with a bread knife. I mean he's obviously not a crackhead but –

Sophie: Uh-huh OK.

Mark: Yeah.

Sophie: Look, Mark you don't have to -- about the phone message, you don't have to be embarrassed about it.

Mark: I don't?

Sophie: Of course not, it's just one of those things.

Mark: Is it? It is? Oh, right. Fantastic. And you haven't told anyone about it?

Sophie: Of course not.

Mark: Oh, thank you, thank you thank you thank you. (Calm down, she's not bloody Pontius Pilate.) Yeah, well, you know the truth is-- the truth is, I suppose I like you. That's why I said the song. I like you. Is that such a crime? Should I be hounded to the ends of the earth just for liking you? I like you and if you can't handle it, you can just, you know, fuck off.

Sophie: No, no, I think I can handle you liking me.

Mark: Good. Right, excellent. OK. Bye.

[JLB, at the elevator bank]

Barbara: Hi, Mark. Thanks for bringing in Jeremy, he was quite the find.

Mark: Er, yeah right, I'm really sorry. I mean, I thought it would be a good, that he might, but—

[The young man who was limping in the earlier elevator scene walks by with no limp]

Mark: [shouting] Hey! Hey, there! Feeling better now, are we? Fully recovered? Hey, I see you! I see you! He used to have a limp! I mean, he pretended to have a limp. He's a faking little pegleg!

[They enter the elevator together, where Jeff is already on board]

Mark: Hi, Jeff.

[Jeff nods in response but doesn’t speak]

Mark: Well, fuck you if you're not doing small talk, I'm not going to help us out. Let's die together.

Jeff: [singing quietly] And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I like you.

[Jeff winks at Mark]

[Closing credits]