Quagmire & Meg

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ Is violence in movies and s*x on TV ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ All the things that make us ♪ ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 10x10 ♪ Meg and Quagmire Original Air Date on January 8, 2012

You guys, don't you think I'm a little old for the Teen Choice Awards? I mean, I turned 18 today.

Oh, come on, Meg.

You always used to love the Teen Choice Awards.

Yeah, ever since Fox pulled this contrived night of (bleep) out of their ass, in an effort to get in on the awards show business, it's been very special to you.

Announcer: Coming to you live, it's the Teen Choice Awards!

Featuring...

(girls scream)

(girls scream)

(girls scream)

(girls scream)

I tell ya, every year, I recognize fewer and fewer names.

(girls scream)

(girls scream)

(girls scream)

(girls continue to scream with each announcement)

And a live performance by...

Plus we tally your text vote for the Biggest Whiff and Choice Bro-ment of the Year!

And now your host...

Wavyhair Doucheston!

(girls screaming)

I touched him!

What's up, Teen Choice Awards?!

We're gonna kick things off with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile!

Give it up for our first presenter, Wilford Brimley!

There's no accountability anymore!

I have diabetes!

Hey, what do you say we get some music in here, huh?

No, that'll only make things worse!

Give it up for our first nominated Choice Band of the Night, Peehole Skin!

(rock music plays)

♪ (grunts) Feelings ♪

(girls scream)

♪ (grunts) Feelings ♪

(girls scream)

♪ (grunts) Feelings ♪

(girls scream)

I'm gonna put a stop to this!

(all screaming in fear)

Well, that was unfortunate.

Hey, what's with all the cars on the street?

Oh, they're all here for your surprise party, Meg.

Peter, for God's sake, you idiot!

We were supposed to open the door so everyone could yell "surprise!"

Surprise!

Oh... Oh, dear.

Mom, if it's a surprise party, where is everybody?

(hushed): Chris, what the hell?!

I thought you were gonna pay the kids from school to show up! I gave you $300!

Why do you think Dad's here?

Hey, Meg, happy birthday.

You're the coolest.

Well, then what are all the cars doing out there?

Oh, they must be for Mort's party.

Okay, the first rule of Jewish fight club is if somebody says, "Ow," you stop.

Ow!

Okay, let's eat.

I'm really sorry about this, honey.

I-It looks like nobody's coming.

But we had fun at the Teen Choice Awards, right?

I guess.

Well, I guess we ought to call it a night.

Come on, Stewie. Up to bed.

No party? Oh, come on. I was gonna show a slide show of all those silly photos I took of Meg.

Well, happy birthday anyway, Meg.

See you in the morning.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, Quagmire. What's going on?

Well, Peter, a little birdie told me that today is Meg's birthday.

You giving me credit?

Yeah, I just told him.

I'm the one who told him.

So where is the birthday girl?

Oh, hi, Mr. Quagmire.

Oh, please, my father is Mr. Quagmi--

Oh, no. He's... Okay, well, he used to be Mr. Quagmire.

Now he's, how he's just lda Davis.

Anyway, this is a special day for you, young lady.

Here's a gift for ya.

A scented candle?

As a girl, I love this!

That was originally $30.

Thanks, Mr. Quagmire.

Well, it's your 18th birthday, Meg.

That's a very important milestone in a young girl's...

I mean, a young woman's life.

Hey, welcome to the adult club, huh?

And you know what?

You got another member right next door if you ever want to talk and stuff.

Happy birthday.

Hey... Hey, where's that pinky going, huh?

Where's he going?

Wha, what's he doing? Get back here.

There you go.

Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank.

You know he's gonna close the deal.

Peter, that skank is your daughter.

Oh, my God, you're right!

You know, Meg, I'd love to see you without your hat on.

Okay.

So, anyway, I'm on approach into Lambert Field in some of the worst turbulence I've ever flown through.

I mean, I have never seen anything like it.

Everyone in the cabin was, like, "Aah!" but I kept my cool.

I trusted my training, and brought the plane in safely, and in fact, it turned out, ironically, to be one of the smoothest landings I've ever made.

Well, gosh, Quagmire, this has been a fun night, but I guess, uh, you better be getting home now, huh?

Yeah, it is getting late I guess I'll go home and rub out a giggity.

Take it easy, you guys.

See you later, Meg. (clicks tongue)

Bye.

Okay, that was weird.

That was weird. Right?

Oh, my God, so weird.

I tell you something, if he touches my daughter, I'm gonna be kicking butts and taking names!

And then giving those names to other people whose butts I kick.

What's your name?

Derek.

What's your name?

Michael.

You're Derek now!

(phone beeps)

(phone chimes)

Oh! (chuckles)

(phone beeps)

(phone chimes)

(phone chimes)

(phone beeps)

(phone chimes)

Okay, Glenn, time to reel her in.

(phone beeps)

(phone chimes)

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Ah, it's too much, too much.

(phone beeps)

I love stars!

We now return to Grainy Footage of a Potential Bigfoot that will surely spark a lively debate in your household.

Oh, my God! That is real!

No, total fake. (all talking at once)

Look at that. That is obviously a suit. It's a fraud.

Look at the way it walks. Totally fake.

Why would somebody make that up, Lois?

What's in it for them?

(knocking)

Oh, hey, Mr. G. How's it going?

Quagmire, what are you doing here?

Hi, Glenn. Bye, you guys.

Me and Glenn are going out.

What?! Like hell you are!

Don't worry, Dad! I'll take care of him!

Stay away from my sis!

Okay, you two have fun on your date.

What?! Drive carefully.

We'll see you later.

Lois, are you out of your mind?!

We can't let Quagmire take Meg out on a date!

That guy'll bang anything.

Hey, Lois, I'm starving. What's for dinner?

I made meatloaf. It's in the fridge.

Hey, Peter, do you mind?

But I have to get dinner.

Go out!

Peter, nothing's gonna happen.

Don't you see?

She's only doing this to get a rise out of us.

If we fight her on it, she'll only push further.

Well, she may not plan on sleeping with him, but you don't know how smooth Quagmire is, Lois.

He's like a vagician.

Oh, that's clever.

I know! Isn't it? He practices vagic.

"Vagician" was funnier.

Okay, well, the point is, we ought to be worried.

Peter, trust me.

I know what's going on in her head.

It's just a game.

I used to do the same thing to my parents.

The problem is, they pushed back, and the results were not good.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, we pumped your daughter's stomach and we found vodka, Rohypnol, a fair amount of DNA that is not her own and a class ring.

Harvard?

I think it was SUNY something.

Oh, I don't want to hear any more!

So how're your studies going?

They're going pretty good.

School's good.

What's your favorite class?

What was your favorite class?

Okay, let's say it at the same time and see if they're the same.

Okay, one, two, three.

Hist... math! Math!

Oh, my God, we have so much in common!

Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Yeah, I have two brothers.

Aw, they sound terrific.

Hey, you want to blow this joint?

Sure.

Oh, wow, really?! All right, go for it!

Come on. Let's go.

Oh, oh, you, you mean leave.

No, yeah, sure. No, let's go.

Gosh, Meg, I sure had a swell time with you.

Me, too, Glenn. God, it's so amazing that you've been my dad's friend for, like, years, and now we have this connection.

Hey, do you want to come in for some Crystal Light or something?

Well, I do believe in me, but it's getting kind of late.

Um, I really want to see you again, though.

Oh, you know it.

Oh, God, Peter!

Scared the hell out of me!

What're you doing here? I think you know.

Did you have s*x with my daughter?

What? Come on, Peter.

Did you have s*x with my daughter?!

Peter, trust me, it's not happening.

(sighs) All right. Good.

Yeah, she's really making me work for it.

Maybe you could talk to her.

Well, I'll try, but sometimes she can be as stubborn as a mule.

I tell you, you tell her to do something once, she does the opposite.

You know, it's like she ain't even heard you in the first place.

It's like talking to a brick wall.

Worse than talking...

Even a brick wall doesn't tell you they understand you, and then go do the opposite, you know?

So it's no surprise to me that you're having these difficulties.

That-that just seems to be the way she is.

You know, whether it's just that she's not listening or whether it's that she's making a conscious decision to defy your wishes, who can say, you know?

And I would say, in some respects, having a strong-willed kid is a good thing, but it can get frustrating as hell on the other side.

So, you know, lieve me, I hear loud and clear where you're--

Wait a second! No, I won't talk to her!

And I want you to stay the hell away from her!

Peter it's me-- Quagmire.

This is what I do.

Besides, Meg is 18 now and you've gotta let go.

You've done your job. It's my turn now.

Look, Quagmire, you're one of my best pals, and I'm asking you not to do this.

I want to help you, Peter, I really do, but it's-- it's like you're asking a fish not to swim.

She's legal and I'm going in.

Well, we'll see about that.

I ain't afraid to stand up to friends.

Just ask Spartacus.

I'm Spartacus.

I'm Spartacus.

That guy's Spartacus.

Announcer: We now return to Two Lame Chicks on Vacation in Mexico.

Oh, my God, don't drink the water.

I'm so going to brush my teeth with tequila.

Mexico! Mexico!

Hey, is this beach topless?

No, but my margarita's bottomless.

Mexico! Mexico!

That cute guy's been staring at you all night.

Oh, my God. I'm going to go poo now, so I don't have to later.

Mexico! Mexico!

Hey, you want to see my pictures from Mexico?

Look, Janine, I just-- this is-- I can't with you anymore.

It's all the time. This is a job.

Please take off that silly hat.

(phone ringing)

Girl: Mexico! I... I can't talk right now.

You okay?

Yeah, babe.

I got to pee, but I don't want to move.

I'm so comfortable right now.

I can pause it.

I guess you could pause it... but you can't pause me!

Fast forward. Fast forward.

Fast forward. Glenn, stop.

I can't breathe. I can't breathe either.

This is torture for me, too.

No fair. Stop.

I'm going to... (farts)

Sorry.

Ah, that's all right. It's just your body.

Sometimes things slip out.

Probably just making room for something.

Like what?

Hey, gang, got room for one more right in the middle of you two?

Come on, scooch apart, there.

Ooh, what's this? Quagmire's cell phone?

Well, now that you're with Meg, you don't need to be talking to, uh, "Backbush" anymore.

Oh, and I'll send a text to "Possible Nipple Ring" saying you're off the market.

(phone beeps)

You're "Possible Nipple Ring"?

All right, well, I better send a text to "Backbush."

(buzzing)

Oh, come on. I'm "Backbush"?

This can't be a surprise to you, Peter.

Yeah, I knew.

(sobbing): I just didn't know you knew.

Okay, what compound is this?

That's sodium chloride.

That's right. How about this one?

Hydrogen peroxide.

God, you're so smart. How about this one?

QM2? I'm not sure what that is.

It's Quag-megium.

It's the strongest compound on Earth.

Nothing can separate it.

It has an atomic weight of awesome.

You're such a cutie patootie.

If I'm a cutie patootie, then you're a peenie-vageenie.

Aww!

I heard a cute "aw" in there. Cool down!

Meg, there's something we need to talk about.

Dad, I swear to God, I thought you could flush those things.

Meg, you ever heard of Joan Van Ark?

No.

Here's a picture of Joan Van Ark.

Oh, my God, she's gorgeous.

Gorgeous. Yes.

Yes, Meg, gorgeous.

Yes. Every man wanted her.

But one man got her.

A man she trusted to keep her safe and beautiful forever.

That man was Glenn Quagmire.

And two short months later, this is what happened to Joan Van Ark.

Oh! Oh, my God!

I don't want this to happen to you, Meg.

I don't want you to turn into a hilarious photograph.

Dad, I know what you're trying to do, and I want you to stop it.

Mom!

What is it, Meg?

Mom, tell Dad to leave me alone.

I'm 18, and he keeps treating me like a kid.

Peter, I told you not to push her about this Quagmire thing.

If you push too hard, you're going to push her right into his arms.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Nothing.

This is a big game Meg is playing, and the only way to win is not to play it.

Is that a WarGames reference? Might be.

You know WarGames? Yeah.

Still finding out new stuff about you.

That's the adventure.

There's a nerd in there.

Maybe there is.

I might bang her later.

How about a nice game of chess?

I prefer banging.

Dad, have you seen my book bag?

What, Chris? (screaming)

Oh, Peter, there you are.

Would you go tell Meg that lunch is on the table?

Oh, Meg's not here. What do you mean?

She and Quagmire went up to his cabin for the weekend.

What?!

Yeah, I drew you a crude flip book to explain what's happening.

Okay, I got a little off track there, but they went to his cabin.

Peter, Quagmire has a name for that cabin.

He calls it his s*x cabin.

No, he doesn't. He calls it "The Stuffet lnn."

Oh, my God, I can't believe you knew about this and you let her go.

Hey, don't give me that crap.

I'm doing exactly what you told me to do.

You said don't mess with her business, so I didn't.

Peter, this is different.

It's one thing to rebelliously flaunt an older guy in front of your parents, but it's a whole other thing to go away with him for the weekend to his s*x cabin.

Oh, is that right?

Oh, don't worry, Peter, he's not going to sleep with her.

That's you. Nerd.

Look, everyone knows if you go away with a guy for the weekend and don't have s*x with him, you're a huge bitch.

We got to stop them.

So you admit you were wrong. Yes.

You admit you were stupid. Yes, yes.

You admit all women are stupid. No.

All right, I'll take what I can get.

Come on. To the Peter-dactyl.

(screeching)

(buzzing, crackling)

Oh, no, now I got to take care of the babies.

Look, Peter, his car's still there.

Maybe they haven't left yet.

Quagmire, let me in, you son of a bitch.

Quagmire (recorded): I'm sorry I'm not home to receive you.

The reason being that you have sufficiently scared me away from your wife or daughter.

I plan to get help and use better judgment in the future.

Wait a minute, so Quagmire just changed all of a sudden, just like that?

You want me to read this or not?

No, Grandpa, I don't.

No kid wants to be read anything any more.

Computers exist. It's just you won't leave.

Okay, where were we? Quagmire's front door.

You think they're hiding in there?

(engine revving) Oh, no! Peter, look.

See you later, suckers.

Oh, good luck to them. Peter!

Oh, right, right. Let's go.

(tires squealing)

(horns honking)

We're never going to get up there.

I wonder what's causing all this traffic.

Oh, boy. Yep, there's the problem.

Not drawn yet.

Come on, guys. Really? Let's go.

What the hell's going on up there?

(snoring)

What...? Yep. Yep.

(owl hooting)

So tell the truth.

Have you brought other women up here before?

Honestly? Two. Really?

Yep, I brought the ashes of my third grade teacher, Mrs. Nicholson, and spread them across the lake, per her last request.

Oh.

The other was some skag I met on a dock four miles from here.

What?!

(imitates buzzer) Strike four, Jelly Jealouson.

The other was my sister.

(both laughing)

(sighs) It's so nice up here.

I know. I love the way the fire makes the shadows dance around behind us.

One time, my friends and I went camping, and nobody could start a campfire, and then I tried to start the campfire, and I could.

That's insane.

Wha-- what is going on over here?

Wha-- are we taking our shirts off now?

Okay, follow the leader.

Come on, Peter, hurry!

Wait wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

(loon calling)

Listen to that. It's a loon.

That's beautiful.

You know, we ought to get a (bleep) cabin up here.

Peter, we're wasting time.

Quagmire's in there about to have s*x with our daughter.

That son of a bitch.

Let's-- wait-- w-wait a minute, do you hear that?

I don't hear anything.

I know. Isn't it bliss?

Peter, let's go!

Mm. Thanks for the ice cream, Glenn.

And you're right, somehow it does taste better in my underpants.

Yeah, it's like being at the beach, huh?

Now get over here while the inside of your mouth is still freezing cold.

There you are, you son of a bitch!

You get away from my daughter, you pervert!

Meg, get in the car, we're going home.

I'm not going home!

I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore.

Meg, I'm only going to say this once.

You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners.

So, I don't care how old you are, you're going to do what I say and get in the damn car!

Yes, Daddy.

If you ever touch my daughter again, I will cut your thing off and feed it to Brian.

Okay.

And Peter and I get this cabin for one weekend a month.

Do you understand me?

Yes, ma'am.

Peter, I got us the cabin. Yay.

I don't want to see your face knocking on our door for at least a month.

Would you sign the guest book on your way out?

Lois... Griffin.

Peter... Griffin.

We... heard... a loon.

You know, Mom and Dad, I'm really glad that you kept me from doing what I was going to do.

Well, that's what parents are for, Meg.

No matter what age you are.

We love you and we just never want to see you hurt.

I only wish I'd seen what was going on from the start, like your father did.

Well, I know the signs... because the same thing happened to me.

An older neighbor.

Her name was Elaine.

I was 18 and my body was firm from push-ups and sit-ups.

I was stunning.

But while my body was mature, I had the mind of a 12-year-old.

Elaine invited me over with the promise of pie.

Little did I know this would lead to an eight-year-long psychosexual entanglement.

She's probably dead now.

Life's funny sometimes.

And... scene.