The Confidence Erosion


 * Clerk: Here’s your license. Now if you’ll wait over there we’ll call you when the officiate is ready.
 * Sheldon: Do we need a blood test?
 * Clerk: No.
 * Sheldon: Well, then how will you know whether or not we have syphilis?
 * Clerk: I’m going out on a limb and say you don’t have that.
 * Amy: Okay Sheldon you officially exceeded the number times I hope I heard word syphilis on my wedding day. I can’t believe we’re doing this.
 * Sheldon: I know. I’m going married the new Star Wars movie’s coming out. We are really finishing this year strong.
 * Amy: Okay, but of the two of tho… You know, I’m not even going to ask. I’m not gonna ask.
 * Sheldon: Are you sad we’re not having a big party?
 * Amy: I’m really not. I’m here with you. It’s perfect.
 * Court Clerk: Cooper-Fowler? You’re up.
 * Amy: Can you believe it? We’re about to walk in that door, Dr. Cooper and Dr. Fowler, and walk out as a married couple, Dr. Cooper and Dr. Fowler.
 * Sheldon: Wait. I want to have a first dance with you.
 * Amy: Right here?
 * Sheldon: At our wedding.
 * Amy: This is our wedding.
 * Sheldon: No, I want a real wedding.
 * Amy: Well, Sheldon, it was just making us fight.
 * Sheldon: I know, but Amy, I never thought I would want to marry anyone. So that fact that I found you is astonishing. It’s…it’s like finding dark matter, except I was looking for dark matter. I wasn’t even looking for you. SO you’re even better than dark matter.
 * Amy: Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: Plus..plus you even interact with light, so I can see you. And, also, you don’t account for the missing mass in the universe. Oh…and…oh…
 * Amy: Okay, I think you’re getting caught up on the ways I’m not like dark matter.
 * Sheldon: Right. Sorry. But when you make a discovery like this you don’t just take it down to city hall…you tell the whole world. SO I’ll say it in Latin or Klingon or…or smoke signals if that’s not culturally appropriation.
 * Amy: It is.
 * Sheldon: Okay, so not smoke signals. But I want to do this right.
 * Amy: Me, too. Let’s go plan a wedding. [Kiss.]
 * Sheldon: You know we did get dressed up and come al the way to city hall.
 * Amy: What are you thinking?
 * Sheldon: I have always wanted a permit to dispose of hazardous waste.
 * Amy: Let’s do it. [Shamy leaves the office.]


 * Penny: Decaf, genius.


 * Bernadette: You're gonna make me forget I've been stuck in bed while a baby uses my bladder as a kickball?
 * Penny: Hey, you had unprotected sex with Howard. You deserve to be miserable.


 * Howard: Hey, is that Raj there at girls' night? Well, hey.
 * Raj: Hey, Howard.
 * Howard: Just remember, if you fall asleep first, they're gonna freeze your bra.


 * Penny: Oh, I love the observatory. They tell you your weight on all the different planets. Yeah, it's always bikini season on Venus.

(Skype tones sound)
 * Raj: Hey, Dad.
 * Dr. Koothrappali: Hello, Rajesh. How was the interview?
 * Raj: Uh, not so great. They asked me what my biggest weakness was and 45 minutes later, they thanked me for coming.
 * Dr. Koothrappali: Son, don't take this the wrong way, but what's your problem?
 * Raj: I would tell you, but apparently it takes 45 minutes.
 * Dr. Koothrappali: You know what? I bet it's those friends you surround yourself with. Like that Howard, always making fun of you.
 * Raj: Howard doesn't mean anything by it. I-I think it's cultural. His people come from a very sarcastic village called Brooklyn.
 * Dr. Koothrappali: Don't make excuses. What kind of friend acts that way?
 * Raj: Well, I-I guess--
 * Dr. Koothrappali: It was a rhetorical question. A bad friend!
 * Raj: Come on, Dad! That's just our relationship, okay? He makes Indian jokes and I laugh, but, you know, with angry eyes so he knows it's not okay.
 * Dr. Koothrappali: I, too, was in a relationship with someone who made me feel bad about myself.
 * Raj: If you're talking about Mom, I don't want to hear it.
 * Dr. Koothrappali: I'm just saying, if you replace Howard with a nice 22-year-old grad student, your self-confidence will soar.


 * Sheldon: I mean, it's not that I think we're living in sin, but I do like the idea that our next act of intimacy will be a legal requirement.

(Raj is alone in his office; Howard comes in.)
 * Howard: Want to grab some lunch?
 * Raj: You know what? I don't think so.
 * Howard: Well, let me guess: You're not eating because the mean girls circled your chubby bits in marker? (smiles jokingly)
 * Raj: (looking at him with a frank facial expression.) No, that. That right there, that's the reason: You're always making fun of me!
 * Howard: Those are just jokes. It's my way of saying we're friends, and it wouldn't hurt you to drop a few.
 * Raj: See? No wonder I don't have any confidence!
 * Howard: Come on! You can't blame that on me.
 * Raj: Why not?! Fifteen years of constant ridicule. I think our relationship has become toxic.
 * Howard: What are you saying?
 * Raj: I think you and I need to spend some time away from each other.
 * Howard: I can see you're upset, but I'm gonna need some ground rules. While we're apart, can I see other needy Indian men?
 * Raj: GET OUT! (slightly downhearted, Howard leaves Raj's office.)

(Raj shows up as Howard, Leonard, and Sheldon are having lunch)
 * Raj: Hello.
 * Sheldon, Howard, and Leonard: Hello. (Raj promptly walks over to another table and sits there with his back to Howard)
 * Howard: Really? You're not gonna sit here?
 * Raj: (looking over his shoulder at Howard.) I'll sit there as soon as you leave.
 * Howard: (in disbelief) You're still on this? I said sorry!
 * Raj: Well, sorry doesn't make up for years of emotional abuse.
 * Howard: Well, what's it gonna take? You want half my sandwich? (Raj goes back to his own food and ignores Howard.)