J is For Genius

''[Jen is looking at a calendar. She gasps.]'' Jen: "Do you realize in exactly one year to the day we have to start applying for university?" Wyatt: "That's cool. Wait. How do you know that?" Jen: "What can I say? I'm an organizational machine." Caitlin: "I'm so gonna rock the preppy collegiate look!" Jude: [sighing] "Feels like just yesterday I was chasing the boob." Jen: "Uh, it was just yesterday? With that new hottie at the Penalty Box?" Jude: "Oh yeah! She was hot!" Jen: "Hey. Are you guys gonna go to university together, Nikki?" Jonesy: "Why are you asking Nikki?" Jen: "Because Nikki's the go-to person in your relationship." Caitlin and Wyatt: "Totally." Jonesy: "Nikki's not the go-to person! Wait, what's a go-to person?" Caitlin: "In every couple there's one person who makes the decisions and has all the answers. In your relationship, that's Nikki." Jonesy: "What? I'm totally the go-to person!" [His friends laugh at this idea.] Jen: "Whatever." Nikki: "In your dreams. Well, I've always wanted to go to Banting. They have an amazing poly-sci program, but it is pretty tough to get into." Jonesy: "Are you saying I don't have the goods to get into your dumb school?" Nikki: "No, I'm saying you don't have the goods to get into my smart school." Jonesy: "Don't let the good looks fool you. Up here is a well-oiled machine!" Nikki: "If you say so." Jonesy: "I'll prove it with this." [He hands her a pamphlet.] Nikki: "An IQ test?" Jonesy: "They're doing them in that tent right over there." Nikki: "This will be like taking candy from a baby." Jude: "Babies have it made. Boobs and candy!"

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is J is For Genius''

[Jonesy chugs down a coffee–the fifth of the afternoon.] Jude and Wyatt: "Go Jonesy! Go Jonesy!" Nikki: "All the caffeine in the world won't help you pass the test. See you at the IQ tent at three. Hey, don't be late." [Jonesy burps loudly in reply.] Nikki: "Ah, the sound of hot air escaping an empty brain cavity." Wyatt: [to Jonesy] "Aren't you even the least bit worried? No offense, but in the IQ department, Nikki's got you licked." Jonesy: "I don't need book smarts. I got something way more valuable." Jude: "Limited edition hockey cards?" Jonesy: "No Jude, street smarts. And guy smarts. You make up for what you don't have in confidence. It's about knowing you're the best, even if you're not." Wyatt: [sarcastic] "Can't wait to see this."

Coach Halder: "All right, team huddle!" [Coach Halder's employees gather in the middle of the Khaki Barn.] Coach Halder: "I have a very important announcement. After six long seasons, this coach is taking a time-out, in beautiful Los Cabos." Jen: "You're going on vacation? Woohoo!" Charlie: "Nice." Coach Halder: "My friend Jane here will be calling the shots while I'm gone. She has her own chain of sporting goods stores, a degree in sports medicine, a zero handicap in golf, and she still has time to supply soccer balls to poor kids in developing countries." Jane: "I'm really excited to be part of the Penalty Box team. I hope we can all learn a lot from each other." Jen: "Okay, wow." [scooching over to Jane] "Wowie. Wow. Wow." Jane: "You're standing on my foot." Jen: [stepping back] "Oh. Sorry." [Coach Halder looks at Jen oddly.]

[Wyatt is looking at movies in Underground Video.] Wyatt: "Pirates of the Penguin Sea...Dumber and Dumbiest Part 4: The Dumbining...I Talk to Dead Cats...Aw, why can't anyone make a good movie anymore?" Jude: "Hear that, bro." Wyatt: "Something with heart, something with soul, something that makes you think about the devastating purity of the human spirit!" Jude: "Something with chicks!" Wyatt: "You said it." Jude: [taking off his backpack] "Oops, almost forgot." [He pulls out a DVD case.] Wyatt: "Booty and the Borough? You rented Booty and the Borough?!?" Jude: "Nah, they're my mom's. She asked me to return them. Why? They good?" Wyatt: "It's a chick series about dating in your thirties!" Jude: [reading] "Lonely and single Carla wants more than a one-night stand. But she's looking for love with all the wrong guys." [Jude's eyes bug.] "Du-hoo-hooed! There's sex in H-E-R-E!" [He chuckles.] "I spelled the wrong word." Wayne: [walking by] "You go, girl!" Wyatt: "Just drop the DVDs in the return slot so we can get outta here?" [Jude stealthily looks around before slipping the DVDs back into his backpack.]

[Jen is helping a customer.] Jen: "You look like you could use a new SX360 to go with your tennis balls. It's super-lightweight, and it'll help you shed those unwanted...love handles." [The customer looks down at himself and walks out of the store, depressed.] Jen: "Ugh. Another sale bites the dust." [She shuts herself in the penalty box.] Jane: "Jen? What're you doing?" Jen: "Coach always makes us take a five-minute major for losing a sale." Jane: "Get out of there. Your job isn't to sell customers things they don't need." Jen: "It isn't?" Jane: "You're doing a great job, Jen. The way you handled that bungled shipment today? Amazing. You can even cash out tonight if you like." Jen: "Oh, I'd like. Coach doesn't think I can count to ten, let alone cash out." Jane: "Oh, one last thing." [She takes the racket and takes out a ball.] "You're not following through on your backhand." [She swings.] "See? Twice the power." [The ball hits the lost customer.] Penalty Box Customer: "Ow!" [Jen and Jane gape.] Jen: "Nice shot." [Jen and Jane giggle.]

[Caitlin is looking in Jonesy's underwear.] Caitlin: "Mmm...okay." [She looks up.] Jonesy: [almost naked] "You'll be hearing from my lawyers!" Caitlin: "No cheat sheets, wiretaps, or cameraphones." Jen: "He's clean!" [She hands Jonesy back his clothes.] Jonesy: [to Nikki] "The fact that you think I would cheat on this test hurts me deeply. Let the IQing begin!" Fat Girl: "You've got two hours." Jonesy: "I have to write a test for two whole hours?" Fat Girl: "On your mark, get set, start writing!" Jude and Wyatt: "Go Jonesy!" Caitlin and Jen: [at the same time] "Go Nikki!" [Jonesy and Nikki start work on their tests.] Jen: [to Caitlin] "Do you have that Ruby Rouge lipstick you always wear?" Caitlin: [taking it out] "Never leave home without it. Why?" Jen: "Jane wears it too. Maybe it would look good on me." Caitlin: "Who's Jane?" Jen: "Only the best manager EVER!" Nikki: "Sssh!" Jen: [quietly] "Sorry."

''[The test manager blows her whistle. The IQ test is finally over.]'' Fat Girl: "Time's up, pencils down." ''[Nikki looks over at Jonesy, who is still writing. She grabs his pencil.]'' Jonesy: "What?" [Nikki snaps his pencil in half.] "Hey! I wasn't finished!" Nikki: "You are now." Fat Girl: "The results should be ready in a few hours." [She takes their tests.] Nikki: [to Jonesy] "So?" Jonesy: "So, how badly did I kick your butt, or so, how does it feel to be so brilliant?" Nikki: [faking sympathy] "Oh no! You've broken your brain!" Jonesy: "Um, that was my pencil. Pen-cil. I can see how someone of your intelligence might get them confused." [Nikki rolls her eyes.] "I'm off to find a job worthy of my advanced intelligence." Nikki: "New Jersey Sweet Potatoes is hiring." Jonesy: "Actually, Things That Beep is looking for a computer technician. They could use someone like me." Nikki: "Yeah. To clean out the trash cans for the real geniuses." Jonesy: [to himself, as he leaves] "Nikki thinks she's won now, but she'll be sorry."

[Jonesy creeps into a darkened washroom and takes a stack of paper sheets from Wayne.] Wayne: [through a roll of toilet paper] "Yeah, so uh, I could get in a lot of trouble for selling counterfeit tests if my identity was to become known?" Jonesy: "Your secret is safe with me." [Wayne glares at him.] Wyatt: "Why is it so dark in here?" [He flips on the lights.] Wayne: [through the roll of toilet paper] "Aw! Busted." Wyatt: "So Nikki was right! You are cheating!" [after a beat] "Wait. Aren't you a little late? You already wrote the test." Jonesy: "Like I could cheat with Nikki watching me like a hawk. I had to think outside the test box. A little bait-and-switch, and presto! I'm declared a genius!" Wyatt: "Isn't it much better to win fair and square?" [Jonesy and Wayne look at Wyatt and then burst out laughing.] Jonesy: "Oh Wyatt, Wyatt, Wyatt. If I let Nikki win, there'll be no living with her! I'm cheating for the good of our relationship." Wyatt: "This goes against everything I believe in." Jonesy: "Luckily I don't believe in anything, so it's all good."

[Jonesy and Wyatt are walking through the mall.] Wyatt: [babbling] "What if anyone sees you? What if you get caught? What if I get arrested for guilt by association?" Jonesy: "Dude, chill. The Jonesmiester may not be a genius when it comes to books and numbers and stuff, but I'm the Stephen Hawking of the bait-and-switch. Watch and learn." ''[Jonesy walks into the testing tent. He starts flirting with a girl, who swishes her hair into the testing administrator's face, knocking the administrator's glasses off and causing her to fumble the tests. While the blonde helps the administrator with her glasses, Jonesy picks up the tests, along the way swapping out his fake for the real one.]'' Jonesy: "Excuse me. I think you dropped these." [He hands over the tests and leaves.] Fat Girl: "Gosh. What a polite young man." Wyatt: [impressed] "Where'd you learn to do that?" [Jonesy throws his test away.] Jonesy: "These things can't be taught, Wyatt my man. You've either got it or you don't." Wyatt: "Do I got it?" Jonesy: "No." [Wyatt sighs.]

[Jude slips into a screening booth at Taj Mahome Video.] Jude: "Okay, Booty and the Borough. Time to entertain me." [He slips the DVD in.] Actress: "I've never enjoyed being caught in the rain so much. What's your name, handsome?" Actor: "Your umbrella's poking me in the eye." [Kissing sounds are heard.] Jude: "Awesome!" [An employee takes out the disc.] Employee: "Players are for paying customers only." Jude: "But I need to find out what happens with the pretty chick and the handsome dude." [The employee looks at the disc more closely.] "Hands off my Booty and the Borough!" [leaving] "Later."

[Caitlin drags Nikki through the mall.] Nikki: "Slow down! Where's the fire?" Caitlin: "I need my lip shine back. I'm starting to chap!" ''[When they enter the Penalty Box, they find that Jen has styled her hair just like Jane. They gasp.]'' Jen: "Afternoon, girls." Nikki: [freaked out] "Jen? Is that you?" Jen: "Nikki, Caitlin, I'd like you to meet my new manager, Jane." Caitlin: "Good call on the lip shine." Jen: "Thanks." Jane: "We should probably get started on the stockroom." Jen: "Love to stay and chat, but Jane's gonna show me how to stack golf balls into a pyramid." Nikki: [faking amazement] "Circles into triangular form? Oh, fun." Jen: "That's what I said." [She and Jane laugh in an identical manner before walking off identically.] Caitlin: "That's crazy! Jen is totally Jane's mini-me!" Nikki: "Huh. Jen really needs to learn to be her own person." Caitlin: "It's crazy because if there's anyone Jen should be copying, it's me!"

[Jude is watching Booty and the Borough in a darkened stockroom.] Actress #2: "Just be careful. Mr. Handsome is a notorious womanizer." Actress: "Somebody so cute can't be wrong. What's life without a little risk?" Jude: "Don't do it, bra! You're better than that!" [He falls off his chair.] "I'm okay!" [The lights snap on as Jen and Jane enter.] Jen: "Jude! What are you doing here?" Jude: "Watching my stories." Jen: [pushing him out] "Well you can't do it in here. There isn't enough room for you, me, Jane, and all our golf balls." [Jen ends up shoving Jude out of the store.] Jude: "There's gotta somewhere I can watch my stories." ''[His backpack hits him. Ron drives by.]'' "Ron's out doing his rounds. Wicked."

[The testing administrator walks up to Nikki and Jonesy and gives them their tests.] Jonesy: "Whatever happens, I'll be here for you." Nikki: [looking at her test] "Nikki Wong: Top five percentile. Haha! Read it and weep, sucka!" Jen: "Way to go! Woo!" Caitlin: "That's our Nikki!" [Jonesy starts slowly tearing open his envelope.] Nikki: "Oh come on." Jonesy: "Don't rush me! I want to savor the moment." Nikki: "The moment before you lose?" Jonesy: [looking at his test] "I didn't do as well as I had thought." Nikki: "Ha ha! I knew it!" Jonesy: "I did better. Top one percentile! I believe you were saying something about read it and weep?" Nikki: [reading] "Jonesy Garcia: certified...genius?" [She faints.] Wyatt: [catching her] "It's okay, I gotcha." Jen: "Maybe there was some kind of mistake." Jonesy: "I'll field this one, since I'm obviously the go-to person now. Only mistake is you guys underestimating me." [dancing] "I'm the smartest, I'm the smartest, I'm the smartest, I'm the smartest!"

[Nikki is standing numbly at work, failing to hang up clothes.] Kirsten: "She's doing it wrong! It goes extra-extra-small, extra-small, small–what comes after small?" Chrissy: "Is there a size after small?" Nikki: [to herself] "It's–it's just not possible." Kirsten: "I didn't think so." [Jonesy walks in dressed in a tweed jacket.] Nikki: "What are you wearing?" Jonesy: "This look is for my new job as IT advisor at Things That Beep." Nikki: [choking] "You got a job as an IT advisor?" Jonesy: "When they heard about my test scores, Darth offered me the job." Nikki: "But–you don't know the first thing about computers!" Jonesy: "Nikki, I'm a genius. I'll learn." [handing Chrissy a card] "Here you go, ladies." Chrissy: [reading] "Jonesy Garcia: top one per cent tile." Nikki: [looking at the card] "Uh, Mr. Genius? You spelled percentile wrong." Chrissy: [reading it again] "Per cent tile. Looks okay to me!" Nikki: "Oh, I give up."

[Jude sneaks into Ron's office and makes his way to the bank of monitors.] Jude: "Finally, some peace and quiet so I can watch my stories." [He pops the DVD in.] Actress: "I went over to his place, and a girl answered the door." Actress #2: "Oh, honey. Did you slap that good-for-nothing cat?" Actress: "Not exactly." Actress #2: "Don't tell you stayed." Actress: "Only after the other girl left." ''[Jude hears the sound of approaching sirens. He looks up and sees an air vent.]'' Actress: "Harold, I don't think things are going to work out for us." Actor: "Why?" Jude: "Hey, old buddy." ''[Jude escapes into the vent just as Ron enters the room. Ron sniffs the air.]'' Ron: "If I didn't know better, I'd swear that was the stench of adolescence."

[Jen and Caitlin are at the Big Squeeze.] Jen: "Jane likes it full, but not too full, and no pulp. Jane hates pulp." Caitlin: "It's a lemon squishy! That's what they are! Pulp!" Jen: "Sorry, no pulp. Jane's orders." Caitlin: "Did Jane also order you to talk, act, and dress exactly like her?" Jen: "What's wrong with the way I look?" Caitlin: "Nothing. It's just that ever since Jane came to town, you haven't been acting like yourself. I think you have a girl crush." Jen: "That's ridiculous! I like boys!" [Jude falls out of a vent above them.] Jude: "AAAAAAAHHHHH!" [He hits the floor hard, but stands up.] "A girl crush is a nonsexual thing. It's a strong attraction that one girl has for another who is beautiful, sophisticated, charming and accomplished." Caitlin: "Wow, Jude! How do you know so much about girl crushes?" Jude: "Carla. I–I mean, I heard it! Somewhere." Jen: "That doesn't sound right." Jude: "Girl crushes are powerful things, dudette." Caitlin: "Trust me, I have girls crushing on me all the time." Jen: "For the last time, I don't have a girl crush! Jane is the first person who has ever treated me like an adult. I like and respect her. Okay?" ''[Jude and Caitlin nod, and Jen takes the drinks back to work. Jane walks by with another employee.]'' Jane: "You're doing a great job, Harold. The way you hired that irate customer? Impressive." Caitlin: [shocked] "Did you see that? Jane is totally cheating on Jen!" Jude: "Everyone's cheating! First Jonesy on his IQ test, then Mr. Handsome on Carla, now Jane!" Nikki: [appearing behind Jude] "What did you just say?" Jude: "Mr. Handsome is cheating on Carla?" Nikki: "N-n-no, before that." Jude: "Umm...the part where I accidentally let it slip after Wyatt swore me to secrecy that Jonesy cheated on his IQ test?" Nikki: "That's the part! Ugh! Jonesy has gone too far this time!" [She walks away angrily.] Caitlin: "Oh, poor Jen's in for a broken girl-crush heart. This will kill her!" Jude: [patting her hand] "I may not have long to live either, bra."

[Jonesy is at work, supposedly helping customers.] Nerd Girl: [handing over her laptop] "All my emails are coming in as weird MIME files." Jonesy: "Ah, the infamous MIME file. Mega Irritating Mooch Email. Will suck your computer dry. Best thing to do is just ignore it till it goes away." [The girl takes her laptop and leaves.] Darth: "I had my doubts, Garcia, but you have the Jedi gift." Jonesy: "I just want to use my vast intellect to make other people happy." [Darth slings him a paper.] "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! My first paycheck!" Darth: "Much better than that, my Padawan. You're one of us now." ''[Jonesy takes a look at the paper. When he looks up, his eyes are filled with fear.]''

''[Ron has found some stray popcorn kernels on his desk. He picks one up and licks it.]'' Ron: "Popcorn. I knew it. My precious security console has been used to play–" [glancing at the case] "Booty and the Borough. Sounds tawdry. And immoral." [He turns on the console.] Actress: "Maybe I'm not just another notch on Mr. Handsome's bedpost." Actress #2: "Honey, there's no room left on his bedpost." Ron: "Who's this Mr. Handsome?"

''[Several teenagers are gathered in the back room of Things That Beep. Among them are Darth, Julie, Jonesy, and Chrissy.]'' Darth: "I hereby call this meeting of poetic geniuses to order!" [He brings the gavel down on the podium.] Jonesy: [looking at the geniuses] "Chrissy? What are you doing here?" Chrissy: "Just because I'm pretty doesn't mean I'm not smart." Jonesy: "I know what a burden looks and brains can be. What do you guys do at these meetings? Sit around and marvel at the size of our brains?" Julie: "Let's see if what they say about you is true." [Julie has set up an easel on which is scrawled an incredibly complex math problem.] Jonesy: "Geh–let's give someone else another chance, I don't want to be a–a calculus hog." [pointing to the janitor] "Hey, he looks smart!" Janitor: "You watch too many movies." [Jonesy gulps.]

[Ron is fully absorbed in Booty and the Borough.] Actress: "I think we need to talk." Actor: "About what, gorgeous?" Actress: "Your rampant cheating! It's all those other women, or me!" Actor: "I picked all the other women." Jude: [behind Ron] "Ah-ha! Caught you, bro! You're totally hooked on Booty and the Borough!" Ron: "I don't get why Mr. Handsome doesn't love Carla. A girl like that–cute, sassy, smart as a whip–they come around once in a lifetime, son." Jude: "Plus, she's got killer style." Ron: "I hear that." [Jude pulls up a chair, and they begin watching together.]

[Jonesy is still working on the problem.] Jonesy: "Nana always said forty-seven was the answer to all of life's mysteries." [Jonesy writes it in.] Darth: "Wrong! The answer is x to the power of 10! Nikki was right. You are a rebel impostor!" Jonesy: [shocked] "Nikki? You did this?" Nikki: "I set you up, poindexter. You're not a genius, and I just proved it." Jonesy: "But why?" Nikki: "Because you cheated!" Jonesy: "I'm gonna kill Wyatt." Nikki: "Did you really think there was such a thing as the Poetic Geniuses? And that Chrissy's smart enough to be one of them?!?" Chrissy: "I am getting a week of unpaid overtime out of you." Nikki: "True." [to Jonesy] "You see what lows you make me stoop to?" Jonesy: [smiling] "You know, you're kinda hot when you're scammin'." Nikki: "Please! Stop with the hot, already! Just admit that I got you!" Jonesy: "Yeah, but I got you first." Nikki: [pleased] "Yeah, but I got you better." [after a beat] "Fine. Let's call it even." [They hug.]

''[Jen walks into the Penalty Box and gasps. Coach Halder has returned.]'' Jen: "Where's Jane? I brought her her favorite latte." Coach Halder: [grabbing it] "Hey! Thanks for the java. Oh, and Jane left this for you." [He hands her a note.] Jen: [tearful] "She didn't even say goodbye?" [reading the note] "Don't forget to order more sport socks. Jane." [sniffling] "Oh. Jane does care!"

[Ron and Jude are still watching Booty and the Borough.] Actress: "Even though I couldn't afford them, I decided the best way to walk out of Mr. Handsome's life for good was with a new pair of sexy shoes." Ron: [choked up] "This is the best TV series ever." Jude: "It's so exactly like our whole lives!" [Ron and Jude notice how close together they are.] Jude: "Maybe we're bonding a bit too much. Dude." Ron: [letting go of Jude] "What happens in the trenches, son, stays in the trenches. You got that, soldier?" [Jude nods.] "Now pass me the last bon-bon."

[The gang are gathered around the table, only missing Jude.] Jen: "I love ya stepbro, but a genius you are not." Jonesy: [laughing] "Was smart enough to fool all of you." Caitlin: "There's all different kind of genius. Like I'm a genius with colors and fabrics." Jen: "And I'm a genius on the ski slopes." Wyatt: "And I'm a genius with the beats." Caitlin: "Nikki, are you okay?" [Nikki is rigidly staring straight ahead.] Jonesy: [chuckling] "She's just mad because Kristen beat her by 2 points on the IQ test." Nikki: "She must've cheated!" Wyatt: "I'm just glad I don't have to keep your secret anymore. It was killing me!" Jonesy: "Speaking of killing someone, anybody seen Jude?" [They look over to where Jude is shaking hands with the rent-a-cop and raise their eyebrows.] Jonesy: [to Jude] "What was that all about?" Jude: "When two men emotionally bond, they often feel they must hide their newfound sensitivity, lest they be judged as soft and weak, dude." Jen: "Give me those Booty DVDs! You've been watching way too many of those!" Wyatt: "You're starting to freak me out!" Caitlin: "Yeah, bring back the old Jude!" [She and her friends tussle with Jude over possession of his backpack.] Jude: "No, dudes, not my stories!" [While her friends wrestle, Nikki continues to stare ahead, shocked by Kristen's aptitude on the IQ test.]