Human Eddy

What's up, meat bots? Excuse me. What do you think you're doing? This is the fourth time this week I've caught you blowing off your security rounds. What do you expect? This job is too hard for one person. How am I supposed to patrol the grounds, monitor cyber security, and still find time to steal from you? Look, you asked me for this job. If you can't handle it, maybe I should find somebody else. Good luck trying to find someone else who wants a high-paying job on a tropical island. Hey, what's going on with the monitors? Somebody probably hacked our signal because the sheriff wasn't doing her job. Hi! I've been trying to get in here for months. I had to go through all sorts of firewalls and security blocks. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you didn't want me here. We don't want you here. Well, look who finally got a big-boy voice. Still waiting for the rest of your little-boy body to catch up, huh? Eddy, you're supposed to be in Mission Creek with Tasha. Don't worry, she's fine. I triple-locked her in the closet. Even her man paws can't claw through that. Speaking of man paws, how are you, Bree? That's it. Where's the hammer? I don't know about the hammer, but I'm definitely looking at a room full of tools. The world's first bionic superhumans. They're stronger than us. Faster. Smarter. The next generation of the human race is living on a bionic island. Hey, great news, everybody. You scored a goal in your junior soccer league? You finally fit into men's pants? You're going bald? Why would that be great news? You already act like a boring old man. Might as well look the part. The president wants me to be on his environmental task force committee. It's a think tank of the world's smartest minds brought together to address major ecological issues. Sounds like something a boring old man would say. This is the biggest thing that's ever happened to me. Committee member today, president tomorrow. And revolution the day after. What about your responsibilities here? Yeah, without you, who's gonna bore all the students to death? I already told Chase I would cover all his classes. Problem solved. The president is coming here to interview me and give his official stamp of approval. Then it's off to Washington, D. C., for good. Congratulations. We'll really miss you. I call dibs on his capsule. Washington, D. C. ? That's like another country. This isn't fair. Why does Chase get to leave and we don't? Well, for starters, because Chase knows that Washington, D. C. isn't a country. Perry, can I talk to you for a second? Sure thing, boss man. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I thought about what you said about being overworked, and I may have been a little harsh. So you're giving me a raise? I said I'm sorry, not crazy. What I'm gonna give you is better than a raise. Say hello to your new partner. Him? Does this guy even know anything about bionics? Actually, he knows a lot more about bionics than you might think. Isn't that right? That's ri-i-ight! Eddy? That's the little guy in the wall? In the flesh. Check me out. Why would you give a body to the most vile computer program ever created? Don't worry. Human Eddy isn't mean. When I put his artificial intelligence into this synthetic body, I altered his personality. I made him nice. I begged him not to, but now I'm glad. One little fix, and you expect us to believe that Eddy is nice? I'm not buying it. No, it's true. Earlier today, I caught Leo struggling to do a push-up. The old me would've mocked him. But the new me is just sad. Poor Leo. I guess that's better. Long story short, I still wanna kill you guys. With kindness. I don't get it. You could've designed any kind of body for him. Why does he look like that? The beard hides my gear. You wanna see? Yeah, besides, I couldn't make somebody better looking than me. I literally could not. This is once-in-a-lifetime stuff. That's my Donny. All right, Mr. President. I'm all packed and ready to go. Where will I be staying? West wing, east wing? Pull-out sofa bed in the Oval Office? Hold on now. I can't just give you the job. I meant it when I said there was an interview first. Oh, yeah, of course you did. This one, so by the book. All right, I'll play along. Go ahead, interview me. Why don't you just tell the committee a little about yourself? Well, for starters, I have so many scientific accomplishments, It would take me hours to list them all. - That won't be necessary. - So glad you asked. First up, perfecting cold fusion. Then, I memorized the first ten billion digits of pi, which are 3. 14159265358979323846 I love the environment, but this may not be worth it. Well, you've seen the whole joint. Tell me that doesn't fill up your hate bucket. I'll tell you what's wrong with these kids, Terry. There's not enough of 'em. You're new here, so I'm gonna let that one go. Come on. We've got work to do. Let's blow it off and go eat subs on the beach. Now, Terry, we're model employees. We can't slack off like that. Plus, I thought we agreed we're gonna cut back on the carbs. That's it. If we're gonna be partners, I want the old Eddy back. Donny said he programmed you to act this way. That means there's gotta be a way to reprogram you. Oh, yeah, that's easy, but we need Donny's password to do it. Oh, I have all his passwords. Plus his credit cards, his thumbprint, and his original nose. Let's do it. My lips are sealed. Except for a smile. Did it work? Better than your last trip to the beauty parlor. You're back! Now remember, this is our little secret. You can't tell Donny what I did to you. And you can't go out in public without a mask on your face. Good morning, Eddy. Go choke on a muffin. What did he just say? I said go choke on a muffin. But if you prefer a bagel or Danish, as long as you're gasping for air, I'm good. - Oh, no. - Oh, yes. I'm back. Remember all those times you treated me like a piece of junk on the wall? Well, guess what. It's your turn. Don't get too excited. You'll use up all your air faster. Then I converted every recorded presidential address from analog to digital. Isn't that fun? Adam! What are you doing? Oh, my, I'm so sorry. Is this where you're having your little interview? What a coincidence. It's also where I practice playing my big, loud, shiny things. Get out. Does anyone else wanna sneak out the back and pretend all this never happened? Sorry about that. He's just jealous because I'm going to Washington and he's not. Now, where were we? Pizza's here! Adam, I'm in the middle of my presentation. Middle? Adam, sit down. Don't mind if I do. What are you guys talking about? Well, I'd like to be talking about global warming. I don't suppose you have any thoughts? Let's see. The globe is warm and round, much like my pizza. And when I cool it, I only blow on the parts I'm about to take a bite of. So what I think you're saying is, instead of focusing on the entire planet, we zero in on the specific hot spots, right? Uh, yeah. You know what? You may be on to something. Maybe I underestimated you, Adam. Well, perhaps we'll find more answers with a simpler approach. What? I think we have another candidate for the job. Him? No! Hear that, Chase? I'm gonna be president. What do you think you're doing? That job was mine. Chase, I can't help it if I'm a genius. You are not a genius. The president thinks so, and he's a pretty smart dude. There's a reason that he's the king of America. Okay, here's how we'll decide who's the best candidate. We'll have a debate. Whoever wins gets the job. Fair? Sounds good to me. Let's debate. I call skins. Uh, this is gonna get ugly really fast. So you're gonna be skins? First question. Chase, what would you do to reduce greenhouse gases? Easy. Curtail our rampant consumption of fossil fuels, then overhaul our infrastructure, and switch to renewable energy sources. Adam, you're up. The planet of the earth and the fuels of fossil contain force that is clearly curtain energy from shoes, lightning cans, ozone climate candles. Yes. Okay, this debate is over. Whoo! Did I win? Ha ha. Let me put it into terms you can understand. You see this pizza? This is you. This is me. Ha! I just ate you up. You know, I don't think I've ever had anyone offer to brush my hair before. Welcome to heaven. Oh, goodness. Look at these two messy Bessies. Hope those aren't school clothes, Donald. You know exactly what happened. Eddy disabled our bionics with his laser cuffs. Then he cut open the wall, shoved us in, and sealed it back up. I don't believe that. I programmed him to be nice now. Really? Wanna check the security camera footage? I don't get it. The wall's intact. But it was just It was just what, honey? Be a big girl and use your words. - He doctored the footage. - Come on, guys. Why are you trying to get Eddy in trouble? He hasn't done anything. It's obviously a desperate cry for attention. It's okay, there's enough of Daddy's love for all of us. It's only his second day as a human. He deserves better. We both deserve better. You're buying this? If you're asking if I believe in my technology more than my children, yes. Congratulations, Chase. You're clearly the most qualified candidate, and since I don't have to attend any future meetings, welcome aboard. Thank you, sir. Oh, and Adam. Thank you for the pizza. No problem. Give my best to the queen. Did you really think that you could steal that job away from me? Nope. I just didn't want you to get it. Yeah, 'cause you're jealous. - Nah. - Yes, you are. - No, I'm not. - Yes, you are. Look at you. You're so jealous, and you can't even admit it. Okay, you wanna know the real reason why I didn't want you to get the job? Go ahead. This should be real good. 'Cause I didn't want you to leave. Wait. That's what this is all about? Yeah. But you know what? Doesn't matter anymore. Good luck, Chase. Okay. If Eddy's gonna play dirty, so are we. So seems like things have been running pretty smoothly with Eddy here, huh? Yeah. With him on the job, I got to spend the morning spear fishing with my big toe nail. So I guess it won't be too long before Mr. Davenport notices how well Eddy's doing. And I do recall him saying that if you couldn't do the job, he'd replace you with someone who can. Donny would never fire me. He loves me. He yells at you all the time and calls you horrible names. That's what people who love each other do. Come to think of it, Eddy is off doing your job as we speak. And if there's no job for you You're right, Dooley. That dashing robo-hippie is trying to snake my gig. I gotta go sharpen my big toe and go get him. What are you doing? Since you're leaving, I'm using your capsule as my sock drawer. Well, you can stop. No, I can't. I already broke up with my old sock drawer. If I go back now, it's just gonna be awkward. No, I mean, you can stop, because I already called the president, and told him I'm not gonna take the job. Why? Look, I thought you were sabotaging me, so I acted like a jerk. But when you admitted that you just didn't want me to go, I felt terrible. Oh. Well, nothing makes me feel happier than knowing you feel terrible. But you're really gonna stay? Yeah. The more I thought about it, why would I go to Washington, D. C. ? I already have my dream job right here. As long as you're staying, so do I. What's that? Throwing you. Hey, Sasquatch. - Oh, hey, Ter. - Don't you "Hey, Ter" me. I know what you're up to, and there's no way you're stealing my job. Oh, Terry, I could never fill your shoes. Mostly because I don't fit into a size gnome. What did you say to me? I said why don't you go back to your mushroom house and leave me alone? Okay, that's it. There's only room for one of us at this academy. Yeah, I'll say, so why don't you squeeze over - and give me some space? - You're goin' down! Ha ha! My body's synthetic, so I don't feel pain. - You can't hurt me! - Yes, I can. Hey, if you're gonna grab my beard, then I'm gonna grab yours. Guys, what's going on? Eddy's bad again, and Perry's trying to destroy him. Tell her to watch the beard. My phone's charging in there. Used all my signature moves on him and nothing worked. Even the Perry throttle. Hey, get back here and fight me like the she-beast you are. Oh, I will, you deranged drifter. Since you reprogrammed me to be mean again, I'm unstoppable. You reprogrammed him? Not now, kids. I'm a little busy. Oh, Perry's gettin' her butt kicked. If we don't take Eddy out, he's gonna terrorize this place forever. Not if my bionic leg has anything to say about it. That doesn't sound as macho as you think. Release the beast, Eddy. Sit tight, Leo. You're next. No, you are. Didn't feel a thing. Who else wants to not hurt me? That's it. I'm going to get Mr. Davenport. Go ahead. I have him totally fooled. That has-been has no idea I'm back to my old self. Yes, I do. Ha ha, Donny. Hi! You beard-dialed me on Adam's phone. Heard everything. Everything? It was just a show for the kids. I'm bad, I'm good, I'm bad, I'm good. I'm just a great big bag of emotions. It's over, Eddy. It's time for you to go back in the wall where you belong. No, please. I'll be good. Or how about just not bad in front of you, split the difference? What do you say, Don-Don, huh? Don't make me hurt you, Donny. I don't wanna hurt you. You already hurt me with your words. Okay, I can't stomach much more of this. Oh, Donny, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it! Bet he felt that. Well, Eddy, you're finally back where you belong. Yeah, well, at least you let me keep the beard. But I got to keep your hand. If you knew where that's been, you wouldn't be holding it. Hey, who tore me apart anyway? Your new wall mate. Wall mate? Let me out! Get me outta here! Oh, no, I got an itch. Scratch it, Eddy, scratch it. No. No! Get me outta here! Get me outta here!