Joking Victum

[Open Ext. Funland Arcade]

(Steven washes sand off of his feet at a faucet when Amethyst approaches.)

Amethyst: Hey, Steven. You wanna try some special new french fries? *offers Steven a cup of red french fries*

Steven: *happily* Do I! *eats a handful of fries*

(Amethyst chuckles loudly and Steven, unwittingly, joins in until his face begins to turn red.)

Steven: *face turns red* HOOOOOT!

Amethyst: They’re special because they’re seasoned with Fire Salt! *pulls out a vial of Fire Salt to show him*

(Steven, face still burning red, quickly attempts to turn the faucet back on but the spigot breaks off, forcing him to sprint into Big Donut as Amethyst looks at him happily.)

[Trans. Int. Big Donut]

(Steven bursts in, rushes to the soda fountain and sprays two types of soda in his mouth, causing the excess soda to spill onto the floor forming a large puddle, Lars steps out to confront him.)

Lars: Steven! What are you—*slips on puddle of soda* Whaa—! *falls on side*

Steven: *exhausted, tongue still burnt* Sowwy, Lars.

Lars: Ugh, Steven! Who do you think has to clean up this mess? *turns to Sadie* Sadie, clean up this mess.

Sadie: *annoyed* *stocking* No way, it’s your turn. I cleaned the last five "Stevens".

Lars: Aww, come on. That fall messed up my back. *rubs side* It hurts, really bad.

Sadie: *rolls eyes and brings out mop and bucket* Fine. Move aside, I’ll take care of this. Could you grab the soap? *Lars belts out a faked anguished groan*

Lars: *exaggerating, contorts body into pained position* Oh! It hurts! Sooo much!

Sadie: *concerned* Maybe you should take the day off.

Lars: *snaps upright* Okay! You gonna be fine on your own?

Sadie: Well, I guess so, but—

Lars: *walking out* You’re the best, Player Two! *leaves*

Sadie: *touched* Aww... *snaps back to reality* Wait, I can’t run this place by myself!

(Steven walks over with a large pile of napkins and drops them directly on the puddle.)

Steven: *turns to Sadie* I can help! This place has given me so many delicious donuts. It's time I gave back.

Sadie: *dresses Steven with the Big Donut uniform* I hereby deputize you as Lars-for-the-day. Now, it's time I showed you the Employee Room.

(Both enter the room, which is populated by several large supply boxes on the right, over a dozen Donut boxes lining the back left, and a CRT TV, two folding chairs and a small circular table furnishing the front left.)

Steven: *enters* Woah, this is the most magical place I’ve ever seen.

Sadie: Let me give you the tour. *directs Steven to boxes* These are the extra supplies: Cups, plastic silverware... sometimes I sleep on the napkins when I get tired.

Steven: Is that why they’re called, "nap" -kins?

Sadie: Not really, no. Good joke, though. *directs Steven to the folding chairs, table and TV* On breaks, we chill out here. We can even watch TV. *leans and whispers* Sometimes, Lars will cover for me so I can watch Canine Court. (Steven makes a "lips sealed" gesture and Sadie brings him to another pile of boxes.) Now, most important of all, this is where we store, the donuts. They’re mailed in from some corporate bake-station.

Steven: You mean you don’t make them here?

Sadie: No, not since... the accident.

[Screen pans right to reveal a blast mark on the wall outlining a body]

Sadie: *shows Steven a VHS Tape* Now Steven, this job is a big responsibility, so you’re gonna have to watch this video tape.

Steven: What is it?

Sadie: It’s like a DVD shaped like a box, and it’ll tell you everything you need to know. *puts tape in VHS player*

(The tape reveals that Mr. Smiley is its star.)

Steven: ... Mr. Smiley used to work here?

Sadie: No, but he used to be an actor/R&B singer.

(Steven enjoys the lengthy video featuring the song Do or Do Nut. It informs them about routine procedures such as the Heimlich maneuver through Mr. Smiley's singing, but greatly bores Sadie.)

Steven: *video ends* Wow, that was great! Are all video tapes that informative?

Sadie: *pulling tape* In my experience, yeah!

(Both go back to the front of the store.)

Sadie: It started out as just a summer job, but... that was two summers ago.

(Mr. Fryman and Peedee leave as Mr. Smiley approaches the counter.)

Mr. Smiley: Hmm, I’ll have a—

Steven: *gets excited* *repeating song lyrics* Donuts! At the Big, Donut! *surprised, Mr. Smiley joins in*

Mr. Smiley and Steven: Hey! They make the world go round. (Mr. Smiley chuckles.)

Steven: Wow, I can’t believe you used to be a real actor/R&B singer!

Mr. Smiley: Used to be? *depressed, mumbles while leaving* Kids these days, they don’t know anything... *exits*

Sadie: *looks at Mr. Smiley as he leaves, holds her head* Wow, I'm impressed, last time someone mentioned that song we couldn't get Mr. Smiley to go home.

Steven: *singing* To perk up, you gotta percolate, a hot cup of coffee, makes the perfect day.

Sadie: Haha, thanks. *playfully* Maybe I should phone up Lars to tell him he can stay home, 'cause I found his replacement. *chuckles*

Steven: *excitedly* Really?!

Sadie: Oh, no. That was a joke.

Steven: I know we both love Lars... (Sadie's eyes grow large.) But... *speaks fast* this job is the best thing to ever happen to me and we should fire Lars.

Sadie: We can’t "fire Lars".

Steven: *bends downs* Ugh. *looks up suspiciously* Why not?

Sadie: Well, you know, he may do things like come in late, and leave all the really hard work for me but... (Steven stares suspiciously.) Look, I like Lars, he— he’s a nice guy... once you get to know him. There was this one time when the new "Army of War" game was coming out, but Lars was banned from the only place selling it. *laughs* He wanted it SO bad. So who does he beg to stand in line for SEVEN hours? Me. I didn’t think much of it, but when I got to his house I saw he cleaned up his room a little, and he got a big box of Oyster crackers. They’re my favorite. He let me be his Player Two, and we spent the whole night together. *stares admiringly into her coffee*

Steven: That really is nice... must’ve been one great video game.

Sadie: *snaps back* Yeah, it was...

Steven: Maybe we could do something nice for Lars?

[Trans. Ext. Lars' House]

(Sadie and Steven walk to Lars’ house with a large box of donuts as Steven sings.)

Steven: Donuts! D-d-donuts! Donuts donuts donuts, donuts donuts donuts...!

Sadie: (Steven still sings.) I thought you wanted this to be a surprise? He can hear us a mile away. (Steven stops singing.)

(Steven and Sadie approach Lars’ front door.)

Steven: But the Donut fever’s fried my soul. Ah-hahaha. (Sadie rustles his hair.) Huh? (He notices the Fish Stew Pizza Car parked out front.) Aw, he’s already ordered pizza.

(Both hear Lars laughing from his backyard, where Steven and Sadie find him jumping on a trampoline with Jenny, Sour Cream and Buck Dewey.)

Jenny: *bumps into Lars* Oof. Hey, Lars, thanks for inviting us over.

Lars: It’s no problem, *dorky laugh* 'cause I got the whole day off, by faking a severe back injury! (Both Jenny and Sour Cream high-five him.)

Steven: *disgusted* Ugh, he was faking this whole— *notices an emotionally distraught Sadie*

(Emotionally pained, and on the verge of tears, Sadie, shaking with Lars’ gift in her hands, sees that she has been noticed in a vulnerable state and tosses the box of donuts on the ground. She starts to run off, taking slight recoil at seeing Jenny’s Car once more before Steven is able to catch up with her.)

Steven: *grabs her arm* Uh, don’t worry! We can handle the Big Donut. Who needs crummy old Lars?

Sadie: *emotional* Steven! *makes to punch Steven* He’s made a fool of me! *to herself* IDIOT! *crying* He’s burned me before... *angrily* Just once, I’d like to burn him back!

Steven: I know how to burn people! Wait right here— *turns back* Actually, this might take a while, you better go home. See you tomorrow at work! *runs off*

[Trans. Int. Big Donut]

(The next day, Sadie is watching Canine Court while eating oyster crackers when Steven bursts into the room.)

Steven: *enters* Fire Salt! Burn, burn people! *puts bare donut in front of her and starts to apply the salts*

Sadie: *stops him* You know we can’t add anything to the donuts!

Steven: It’s just a little fire salt. I was gonna prank Lars.

Sadie: *embarrassed* He did really hurt my feelings... a little. But what kind of person does that make you, if you try to hurt him back?

Steven: ... Uh, a hero?

(The front door bell goes off as Lars enters the store, groaning in false pain, both are able to see him enter though the racks of donuts.)

Lars: Huu! Oh, my back! Sadie? I finally got out of bed but I don’t think I can work today, either... Sadie? Don’t make me walk all the way to the break room. *enraged, Sadie applies a heavy dose of the Fire Salt to the top of the donut*

Steven: Sadie! This is gonna be soo funny!

Lars: Yo, Sadie, where you at? Are you slacking off?

Sadie: *coldly* Lars.

Steven: Hi, Lars!

Lars: Why is Steven in a Donut suit?

Sadie: Don’t worry about that. How’s your back?

Lars: Actually it still hurts like—

Sadie: Really?

Lars: No, no, it's cool. I know I can count on you to help, "P2".

Sadie: Sure. Just relax, in fact, why don’t you have a donut? *presents Fire Salt donut*

Lars: Yeah, alright.

Sadie: Careful, it's a little hot. (Steven’s excitement builds.)

Lars: *takes a bite* Hey, this is pretty good, is this a new flavor or something?

Steven: *cracks up* Hahahaha, she said— she said "it's hot"!

(At that moment, Lars’ face swells up and he begins to breathe a persistent stream of fire which lights the store aflame as he yells in a panic.)

Sadie: *grabbing an extinguisher* Steven, help Lars!

Steven: Lars, drink this! *hands him a cup of soda, which he burns before he can consume*

(In pain, Lars flees the store while holding his breath.)

Sadie: No, Lars! Come back! *puts out a fire before sprinklers come on* Steven, I didn’t want this.

Steven: I know how to fix this! We just need to get Lars to calm down.

Sadie: How are we gonna find him?

[Trans. Ext. Beach City]

(Steven and Sadie follow the path of flames as they pursue Lars through the streets and Mayor Bill Dewey holds a conference by a giant bowl of ice cream.)

Steven: I think he went this way! *both follow Lars*

Mayor Dewey: *addressing crowd in front of his statue* ... And of the many treasures of our wonderful city, this is certainly one of the sweetest. As Mayor, I’m proud to unveil this, the largest bowl of ice cream in Beach county! Yes, let’s all scream— *checks slip sheet* for ice cream. *crowd applauds*

(Lars flings himself into the bowl hoping to cool himself, only causing the ice cream to melt entirely and cover the citizens.)

Mayor Dewey: *takes out phone* Yeah, it melted, Gary. (Gary responds.) Well, you should’ve said that at the meeting!

[Trans. Ext. Funland Arcade]

(Lars falls on the beach in front of the Funland Arcade with Steven and Sadie close behind, Steven finds Amethyst to still be in her exact same position as the day before.)

Steven: Amethyst! *catches breath*

Amethyst: Hey, why’s donut guy breathing fire?

Steven: I tried to prank Lars but I used too much Fire Salt!

Amethyst: Steven... that’s hilarious. *eats fries*

Lars: *struggling to talk, getting out words in between fire breaths* You... did... this to me?!

(Lars holds his fire breath and chases Steven around as Amethyst looks on amused and laughs, causing him to light much the pier on fire until he finally grabs the tail of his shirt.)

Sadie: It wasn't Steven! *approaching* It was me. (Lars appears surprised and lets Steven go.)

Amethyst: Ohhh, now it's gettin’ good!

Sadie: After all I do for you, you LIE to me? So you can sneak off with some other girl?!

Steven: *from background* And other boys!

(Lars, still struggling to breathe, glares at Steven who retreats behind cover.)

Sadie: *tearing up* That night we played video games, I don’t know what it meant to you. But ever since then, I can’t get the thought out of my head that you’re a good person. *grabs his hand* That night, I really thought... Player Two. Is that just your way of saying I could’ve been anyone?

Lars: *attempting to speak without breathing fire* Sa-die— *coughs*

Steven: *noticing this from behind cover* "If a customer chokes on a donut," *rushes to Lars* "state law requires that you assist them! Take both hands, push below the di-a-phragm!" (Completing the Heimlich maneuver, Lars coughs up a large portion of the donut which Sadie puts out, curing Lars.) Another day saved by Steven Universe! With bonus musical styling of Harold Smiley. *to Lars* You're welcome.

(Lars, ignoring Steven, ashamedly approaches Sadie who continues to put out fires and turns from facing her, grabbing his damaged throat.)

Sadie: I'm not apologizing.

Lars: *still coughing up smoke* No! I wanna help. But I get it if you wanna be alone.

Sadie: Oh, no no no, stay. I me— I mean, you can help. But, first, let's get you some water, and maybe get you out of those burnt shirts.

(Both walk off from the pier as Steven and Amethyst look on.)

Amethyst: Hey, we make a pretty great team.

Steven: You were absolutely no help whatsoever.

Amethyst: ... Eh.

[END]