Shopping

(Adult Adam) Back in the '80s, before you could buy anything you wanted with a click of a mouse, shopping was more of a contact sport.

(Women shouting) And no one was better at it than my mom.

Remember, dented cans are 50% off.

I made it easy for you. They're all dented. (Chuckles)

Oh! (Clank)

Now they're all dented. (Laughs)

I don't care if it is a misprint.

This ad says that that lawn mower is $9.99, and I am not leaving until you honor this price.

There was no bargain too small, too large, or too dangerous for Beverly Goldberg.

I'm not exaggerating. This really happened.

Mom, they're slipping!

Don't you dare let go.

Use the tag! Hold on tight!

It's ripping! It says "Do not remove"!

Dad, slow down! We can't hold them.

No. Speed up. They'll stabilize at a higher speed.

This isn't worth it!

They were buy two, get two free. It's totally worth it.

(Singsongy) Pumpkin.

Big news about the winter formal.

Found a great price on that dress you wanted.

Is it behind this picture of a dress I don't want?

Seriously, I don't want some crappy knockoff.

Dad, little help?

Here's all I know about fashion.

I like blue. That's it.

Then let me explain how it works.

You have to spend money to look nice.

Or you could grab some of the old dresses in your closet, cut 'em up, and make a new one in the current style.

Like, um, that movie with, uh, the girl with the face.

Mom, he's upsetting me.

You should go.

I'll go. (Crunches)

(Sighs) Look at these prices, Erica. (Laughs)

It's gonna be so much fun. Discount barn, here we come.

No! No discount barn or huts or warehouses.

I'm tired of always asking you guys for money.

I'm getting a job.

A job? You're just a child.

I can't have you losing a foot in a forklift accident.

Forklift?

Patty Newsome's son got his foot crushed his first day at the lumberyard.

He'll never bike through Europe now. Is that what you want?

Brenda said she could get me a job with her at Gimbels, okay?

I'll finally have my own money. Plus, I get a big employee discount.

That magic word was all my mom needed to hear.

(Fanfare playing)

Well, who am I to stand in your way?

That settles it. You're getting a discount.

Job. (Laughs) You're getting a job.

I'm just so happy for us.

You. (Laughs) I'm happy for all of us.

Oh. Discount.

♪ (I Fight Dragons) ♪

Season 1, Episode 10 "Shopping"

It was November 19th, 1980-something, and like every afternoon, I was spending quality time with my good friend Nintendo. (Beeping and blooping)

Come on, slugger. Let's hit the track. The ponies are waiting.

One sec. I'm so close to winning "Zelda," I can taste it.

Six months of hard work is about to pay off.

You know what I did in six months? Win World War II.

I get it! You lived a rich life! Enough!

I'm sorry. I'm under a lot of pressure here.

This game is all I have.

Guess whose life sucks a big sack of marbles.

Just guess.

All right, Barry, what now?

First period, backpack rips open. Bad luck.

Second period, I fail my pop quiz. Super bad luck.

Third period gym, we're playing basketball, and a bird dooks on my face.

He dooks on my face!

Actually, when a bird goes poo-poo on you, it's good luck.

Oh, really? Well, after school, I asked Jen sperling to the Winter Formal, and she told me Ryan Corbett just asked her two minutes before me.

I don't just have bad luck. I have Barry luck.

Why don't you come to the track with us?

Pops, don't do that. He's a jinx.

Shut up! I'll blind you with my fists!

But he's right. I'm the worst.

Stop talking that way.

All you need is a positive attitude, and you'll find your luck's as good as anyone's.

You think?

I know.

You're sitting on my bagel bites.

What?

Damn it!

Stupid Barry luck!

Thanks for coming. Come back soon.

How are we doing over here?

Terrific. Just sold an extended warranty for a basketball.

Nice work, Erica. You keep that up, and pretty soon, you'll be wearing this vest.

Well, not this exact one.

There's a different style... (Singsongy) For the ladies.

Just to be clear, I'm not hitting on you.

Okay.

(Singsongy) There's my little worker bee. Buzz, buzz.

Mom, what are you doing here? (Chuckles)

Just wanted to come by and see my daughter on her first day of work.

(Camera shutter clicks)

Oh. (Chuckles) And while I'm here, I picked up a couple of essentials.

Some fiddle faddle... (Cash register beeping)

Videotapes for Adam, a clapper for dad so he can...

Turn the lights off from bed, cologne for pops... (Beeping continues)

And an athletic supporter and cup for Barry. Look at this.

(Robotic voice) I'm Darth Vader.

Erica, I am your mother. Give me your discount.

(Laughs)

(Normal voice) Oh, but seriously, give me your discount.

I've only been here an hour. I'm not even sure how that works.

The discount policy extends to the employee's immediate family, and that's me.

How do you even know that?

Well, I took a look-see inside the employee lounge and checked out the handbook.

Ugh. Fine. I'll give you my discount, just as long as you stay out of the lounge.

(Whispers) Okay.

With the discount...

(Register beeps) It comes to...

$17.10.

And... damn it, I'm good.

Mom... (Camera shutter clicking)

(Laughs)

I'm so proud of us.

(Man over P.A.) And down the stretch they come...

Yes! Yes! Move your ass! Move it! Move it! That's it!

Yes, yes!

No! Son of a bitch!

Damn it!

The one day I wear a ketchup-colored shirt!

(Groans)

("Call to Post" playing)

Come on. I got an idea.

Hey, Barry. Barry, wait up.

I lost three in a row, pops. Can we just go?

Why would we go?

You didn't lose that race. You won.

Really?

Really?

Really. When I placed your bet, I also picked the trifecta, then boxed the quinella, and wheeled the exotica.

That means you win for coming in last.

That doesn't make any sense.

Of course it does. It's like in golf.

The person who gets the lowest score wins.

That does happen in golf!

You just won yourself 20 bucks.

Now that's Barry luck.

Chili dogs on me, baby!

Whoo!

Told you I had a plan.

Where's the snack bar?

Whoo!

While pops was making Barry's life better, over the next week, my mom continued making Erica's a living hell.

This is the last outfit left in Adam's size, so I'll just bring the mannequin back tomorrow.

Mom, this is the fourth time you've been here this week.

Actually, it's the fifth. I came in on your day off, and Randy let me use his discount.

I don't wanna get in trouble.

Donald said I'm being considered for assistant manager.

Oh, my God. That would be amazing!

According to the handbook, you'd get another 10% off.

Mom, you're not listening.

And you're not making with the beep-bop-boop.

I'm sorry, honey. I've gotta speed this along.

I've got lunch plans.

You can't be back here.

(Register whirs)

It'll just take a minute.

You're messing with my drawer. I have a system!

(Clank)

(Receipt rips)

Thanks, poopie.

Yeah, we need to talk.

I know, I know.

Look, you've become a really special member of the Gimbels family.

Technically, your mom is allowed to use your discount, but...

In my heart, it just feels wrong.

I get that.

You get that if you don't get rid of her, I will fire you?

I didn't get that. But now I do.

Good. Make sure we get the mannequin back.

Erica knew someone had to go, and it wasn't gonna be her.

So when my mom came in the next day, she was ready.

Here you go. Four snow pants, four parkas, three sets of mittens, and of course, fiddle faddle.

And it practically all pays for itself with my employee discount.

Have I told you that you're my favorite child?

I'm gonna say it at the dinner table tonight.

I literally love you the most.

Aw.

(Clicks teeth) Aw.

Aw.

Aw.

Aw.

Aw...!

Bye, sweetie.

Bye.

(Alarm sounding)

Sorry, ma'am. We're gonna need to go through your bags.

Oh. Of course. (Chuckles)

You know, I come here all the time.

It's just standard procedure.

I honestly... don't know how that got in there.

Can you come with me, please?

Why? I didn't take it.

I don't even wear white diamonds. It's not my signature scent.

Come on.

Don't put your hands on me!

I have rights.

We don't need to make a scene.

Erica! Call Mr. Gimbel.

Tell him one of his best customers is in trouble and needs his help.

I'd rather not get involved, ma'am.

You. I've been framed. She framed me with snow pants.

Oh! Please hold on to my merchandise until I can get this sorted out!

(Football on TV)

Now that Barry's luck had changed, he was sure it was contagious.

Yah!

Whoo!

I'm on fire, baby!

That was all me. I scored that goal.

What are you talking about?

My awesome luck's going right through the TV and into the Flyers.

That's true. Whenever something good happens, we call it Barry luck.

Is that what you called it when he bit into his own hand at dinner the other night?

That's old Barry.

(Popcorn rustles)

You ate all the fiddle! It's all faddle now, you moron.

(Door closes)

Hey, kiddo. How was work?

Good. Good.

Another day, another dollar.

(Hands clap)

You...

You gave me no choice.

You were using me as a human discount.

Who has their own mother arrested? Who does that?

And to think I almost bought you snow pants?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. All right, what's going on here?

Your own daughter had me hauled off to jail.

It was the mall security office next to the Orange Julius.

It was jail. It was small and stuffy, and they took a very unflattering Polaroid of me.

Look at it. Look at it.

Look at it.

Eh...

Wait. Did you steal that? You were there for stealing.

I was providing this family with the essential items that make this household run, like food, clothing, fiddle faddle.

That's what I do. Tell her, Murray.

He agrees with me. You framed the woman who gave birth to you. Bravo.

Damn it!

(Hands clap)

Murray... Go to your room while I figure out your punishment.

I'm 17. You can't just send me to my room.

Oh, I can, and I will, and I just did.

It's my job as your mother.

Job? Please. You've never had a job a day in your life.

You're just a mom.

It had been three days since Erica questioned my mom's entire reason for being, so Beverly Goldberg did the only reasonable thing she could think of.

She went on strike.

(Pops) Hey, honey.

Uh, just talking with the boys, and we were kind of wondering where we are...

On tonight's dinner situation.

Ooh. I just made myself a delicious piece of teriyaki salmon, but, uh, oh, I think there's cold cuts in the fridge.

Look, Bevy, I know you're trying to make a point here, but it's been three days.

I had to wear my tuxedo shirt to work!

Yes, I did look like Roger Moore, but don't you think it's time you called off this fight?

There's no fight. All that happened was my daughter gently suggested that my life is meaningless.

Oh, here's our little angel now.

(Door closes) If you have a problem, you should take it up with her.

What?

You know what.

You broke mom.

While my mom and Erica continued their battle, my battle with "Zelda" was about to come to a glorious end.

♪

(Bloops)

(Panting) Okay. Don't touch anything in there.

I'm about to win "Zelda."

I gotta grab my video camera and record this moment.

'Cause it's literally the biggest day of my life.

Well, who's Zelda? Your... your girlfriend?

No. It's the game I've been playing for the last six months.

It's all I talk about. Were you even listening?

I think you answered your own question there.

Don't let anyone near the TV!

Oh, my God, it's happening!

Dad. You won't believe the day I had.

First I aced my math quiz. "B" minus.

Then bio lab got flooded, so we had class in the quad, where a bird did not crap on me.

Then after school, Jen Sperling asked me to the dance, 'cause her date got...

♪ Viral meningitis...

Oh, good for you. Bad for him. But good for you.

His brain is swollen! Everything's coming up Barry.

Barry was on a lucky streak, and I was gonna pay the price.

I was one button click away from winning "The Legend of Zelda."

Unfortunately, I wasn't the one who got to click the button.

♪

(Beeping and blooping)

See that? I literally can't lose.

(Crying) No, no! No!

What did you do?!

You stupid, stupid man.

Dude! What's your problem?

I've been playing that game for six months!

And I beat it in six seconds.

Guess that's just Barry luck.

You're not lucky. You didn't win a single race at the track.

I won the exotica! You just don't understand golf.

You don't understand anything.

No one wins for coming in last.

Pops made it all up.

What?

Pops would never screw with me like that. Tell him.

You can win tons of money for coming in last.

That's right! And one day, you'll ride a unicorn, and you'll live in a house made of candy.

Just to be clear... you won't.

And just like that, Barry's lucky streak ended.

You okay?

Yeah. I...

Finally made enough money to buy the dress I wanted at work, and apparently, taffeta melts.

Apologize to your mom.

Dad...

Not just for you, but for me, too.

There's no food in the house. Today I had to eat an apple.

I'm not gonna apologize to mom because you had to eat fruit.

I know your mom gets carried away, but everything she does, she does for this family.

It's her job.

And she doesn't get any employee discounts, and all her customers... Jerks! Every one of 'em.

You may not wanna do what your mom does when you grow up, but you gotta learn to respect it.

After learning pops had tricked him, Bad luck Barry set out to get his revenge.

Thanks for agreeing to bring me back here, pops.

I'm on such a lucky streak, figured I'd let it ride.

Mm. Well, what'll it be, kiddo?

There are some great odds on Semi-Charmed.

Mm. No. I'm gonna bet Colonel Seymour.

Colonel Seymour? He's 40 to 1.

You could jump on my back, and we'd beat him.

Well, with Barry luck, I can't lose, 'cause I'm Barry and I'm lucky.

Right? Right?

Here's all the money to my name...

Birthdays, allowance, money I stole from Adam... bet it all.

I don't think you should make this bet, kid.

Why not? I mean, you told me I'm lucky, and it's not like my grandfather would lie to my face for a week straight.

Right?

Right?

So I'm guessing you know.

Yeah, I know! Adam told me everything.

I'm a completely jinx, and you know it.

Kiddo, you just had the week of your life, and you know why?

'Cause you were thinking positive for a change.

Yeah, 'cause thinking positive got me a hot date, good grades, and stopped my night terrors.

Yes! Look, there's no such thing as luck.

It's all about betting on yourself.

That's when things really change.

Guess it was a good week.

So, uh, you're still gonna bet on this crazy long shot Colonel Seymour?

Nah. I think I'm gonna sit this one out.

(Man over P.A.) And the winner is Colonel Seymour by half a length.

Pops, how much would I have won?

Somewhere in the neighborhood of $4,253.

Ugh.

Ugh!

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing out here?

Had to get out of that stinky house.

It smells like a diaper fire.

(Plastic rustling)

Wow. These are comfortable.

"Comfort spring technology."

Look, I was pissed. I shouldn't have said all that.

I know what you do is a job.

You know, when I was younger, I was really good in school.

I got straight A's. I was a real good arguer, and people used to say, "Beverly Solomon, you should be a lawyer."

That wasn't my dream.

My dream was to have a family. My dream was this.

You're really good at it.

But it's not for everyone.

You want different things out of life, and... that's okay.

You sure?

Honey, you are a pain in my ass, and you never listen to a word I say, but the way you had me booted out of that store...

(Scoffs) You're gonna make a great assistant manager one day.

I'm sorry I got you sent to mall jail.

I'm sorry I got carried away with your discount.

I know I get crazy when it comes to shopping. I will try to work on that.

No, you won't.

I really won't.

Listen, I need your help.

I kinda ironed my dress.

Honey, you don't iron taffeta.

(Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers' "American Girl" playing)

It's okay. Mama will fix it.

Aw.

Aw...

(Clicks teeth) Aw.

♪ Well, she was an American girl ♪

Here you go, sweetie. Made your lunch.

Have a good day at work.

You, too. (Chuckles)

Yeah, in my family, we yelled and swore and sometimes framed each other for petty crimes, but under all that crazy, we were always there to support each other.

♪ With lots of places to run to ♪

"Zelda II"?! Seriously?!

I saved some money at the track. Come on.

Let's go play.

(Chuckles)

(Camera shutter clicks) Aw, look at my delicious little boy!

(Singsongy) Lucky guy.

♪ Take it easy, baby ♪ ♪ Make it last all night ♪ ♪ Make it last all night ♪ ♪ She was ♪ ♪ An American girl

She looks amazing.

♪

How'd you fix her dress?

Easy. I just bought her a new one.

And every now and then, we even made each other's lives just a little bit easier.

What is this?

Figured it was our turn to make you dinner.

Oh, my gosh. That is so sweet!

So exciting.

Tough on the top and has a jelly coating on the bottom.

(Mouth full) Is that baking soda?

(Grunts)

Why don't I just whip something up?

Thank God.

Perfect.

(Beverly) I love you guys.

Look what I swiped from the security office at work.

(Siren wailing on TV)

You can't detain me! I have rights!

I almost went to Law School.

I am a female woman, and I am being held against my will.

♪ Nobody knows ♪ ♪ the trouble I've seen This prison can't hold me!

Let me out!

You may have caged my body, but you have not caged my mind!

Do you think this is funny? I know what you're doing back there.

I can see you!

You will not break my spirit.

(Grunts)

How long was she in there?

12 minutes.

Please don't do that now. Don't do that.

(Adam) Well... that's a nice sweater. Where'd you get that?