Quagmire's Dad

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and s*x on TV. ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry. ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Family Guy 8x18 Quagmire's Dad Original Air Date on May 9, 2010

Okay, I'm off.

Well, we knew this day would come.

Good luck wherever you wind up.

Take care, buddy.

Call if you want.

If not, take care of yourself.

I'm just going away for a few days.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, there's a seminar on creating...

Really? It would be that easy for you?

What?

You thought I was leaving forever and you just said, "Good luck"?

What the hell was that?

Brian, take it easy. You're not leaving forever.

You're just leaving for a few days.

What do you want, a parade?

You know what? Never mind.

Look, Brian, face it, you're a dog.

The fact that your last name is Griffin is a pleasantry extended from our family, not by any legality.

Yeah, and someday, when you're ready, you're gonna walk off into the woods and die.

And we're prepared for that.

Yeah, so there's this seminar in New Haven on creating your own Web-based lnternet series.

Sounds like it could be right up my alley.

Is this another one of those classes where you make the checks out directly to the teacher's name?

Feel good about that?

Feel good about what you just said?

You gonna go, Brian, or should I get the can of pennies?

(pennies rattle, Brian gasping)

Guys, I got some great news!

My dad's coming to visit.

Oh-ho!

Hide the women!

So, we're finally gonna get to meet the man of a thousand chicks.

That's right. You think I've been with a lot of broads.

My dad's had more pie than Kirstie Alley.

(laughing) What?!

Anyway, the navy is honoring him at this year's Naval Ball for all his bravery in Vietnam.

Wow, you must be proud.

Sure am. He was like a hero to me when I was growing up.

You know who was my hero?

Aquaman... and his secret alter ego, Arthur Curry.

Wow, you saved our lives, Aquaman!

Just doing my job.

Arthur Curry!

Did you see Aquaman?

He was just here!

Oh, darn, I must've missed him.

We forgot to tell him thanks.

Oh, I have a feeling he already knows.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, guys. Come on in.

Dad, they're here!

At ease, ladies.

Hey, Glenn, you're not gonna give your dad an entrance?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot.

Guys, watch this.

("These Boots Were Made for Walking" plays)

♪ Are you ready, boots? ♪ ♪ Start walking! ♪

Ha! That's my dad!

No one dances like Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire.

Dad, this is Joe and Peter.

Joe and Peter!

Which one are you?

Peter, sir.

Look at you.

You're a chowhound, aren't ya, Pete?

Don't want to get behind you in the mess hall, huh?

No, sir. No, you don't, sir.

I'd stand and salute you, sir, but this is the best I can do.

I'll take it.

And a salutey-rooty-toot-tooty back to you, my friend.

Sir, you gotta tell them about the time you had to eject from your plane behind enemy lines.

And I will, but first, it's been a long trip.

This sailor needs a cosmo.

A cosmo?

Hey, it's got to be 5:00 somewhere, right? (laughs)

(chuckles)

Okay, fine. I'll make you one; you tell a story.

He can be such a nudge.

So, anyhoo, I remember that day like it was yesterday.

I'd gotten a haircut earlier that day, the first one I ever got over there that looked like anything.

So all of a sudden, we get these orders.

And, of course, it's the day of all days I have to put on a helmet.

I remember the sky was a majestic orange. (text alert tone)

The breeze was just warm enough that you could wear short sleeves, but you know, not so warm (text alert tone) that you break any kind of a sweat. because let me tell you, I do hate to perspire. It just ruins...

Oh, sorry, that's my auto spell correct.

But, uh, yeah, he's super gay.

Brian, it's so boring here.

When are you coming back?

I'll be back soon, Stewie.

[i]And I gotta tell you, though, this seminar is great.

[i]I'm really learning a lot.

[i]I'll tell you all about it when I get home, okay?

[i]I'll talk to you later.

Wait, wait, hang on, Brian!

There was, um, something else I wanted to tell you.

What?

Um, the mail came a little later than usual today.

[i]Yeah, Stewie, I gotta go.

Ooh, wait, hang on, hang on!

Did I tell you about... that over there?

[i]Stewie, I can't physically see what you're pointing at.

[i]I'm getting off now. Bye. (phone beeps off)

Well, your loss, Brian.

That thing over there is pretty interesting.

Huh? An alien in a grass skirt juggling torches.

Yeah.

All right, you're all done. Go.

Come on, Stewie. Time for bed.

Oh, get a job!

Peter, what are you doing home?

I thought you'd be out on the town with Quagmire and his dad.

Lois, you're not gonna believe this.

Quagmire's dad's gay.

What? Quagire never said anything about that.

I don't think he knows.

It's like he doesn't even notice it.

Really? Well, then how do you know he's gay?

And a lot of little things: the way he talks, his mannerisms, and he had the complete DVD set of s*x and the City between his butt cheeks.

Peter, no, he didn't!

No. He had the DVD set.

I was just being colorful with the rest of it.

Well, maybe you should go talk to Glenn about it.

I mean, especially if he has no idea.

I guess I could, but I don't know if it'll do any good, Lois; he's in complete denial, like people in massive debt.

Well, honey, I've extended our line of credit and exhausted all our savings.

We should be good for another month.

Oh, that's great, honey.

What are we gonna do next month?

Well, I'll tell you what we're not gonna do: shoot all of our children and then kill ourselves.

(both laugh)

I'm gonna hold you to that.

I don't think you'll have any control over it.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, Peter, how you doing?

Hey, Quagmire. Um, is your dad around?

Oh, he's off at his Stitch n' Bitch club.

I'm glad you stopped by, though, My dad wanted me to tell you he would be thrilled if you and Lois would join us as his guests at the Naval Ball.

Yeah, yeah, that'd be great.

Um... hey, remember when we met him the other day, and he danced for a while?

Oh, yeah, that was so funny, man!

No, it... it wasn't funny.

Oh, my God.

He's hilarious, that guy.

It wasn't funny. It wasn't funny. It was gay.

(laughs)

What?

Yeah, I think that your father is gay.

Gay?! (laughs)

We... we should all be so gay!

Quagmire, don't you see it?

See what? I'll tell you what I'm seeing.

You're jealous!

Huh?

Yeah, your father's a drunk, and mine's a hero.

Look, you'll see.

At the Navy Ball, you'll see how much of a man he is and how everyone in the military respects him.

Look at this, Dad.

All of these people came out just to honor you.

Oh, it feels good, son; I won't lie to you.

Dan Quagmire!

Wally! Good to see you.

This my son Glenn.

Nice to meet you, Glenn.

You should be very proud of your dad.

Oh, I am, sir.

It was an honor to serve with him.

Come on, Dan, let's get a drink.

Huh. It's great to see you back in your element tonight; surrounded by seamen.

(chuckles) "Seamen."

See, Quagmire? I told you he's gay.

Shut up, Peter!

Hey, you Dan's boy?

That's right.

Your dad was very brave back in Southeast Asia.

He flew supplies in where others wouldn't dare to go.

I can't tell you how many loads you dad took when I served with him.

Huh?

Glenn, I wouldn't miss this night for the world.

Everyone here admires your dad.

He'd walk into an army barracks and make every private there feel important.

Yeah, he just knew how to stroke those privates.

Oh, God!

Your dad was cock of the walk, Glenn.

Every day at rifle training, he'd help me clean my butt.

Your dad once drank me under the table.

If there was one man you wanted in your hole, it was your dad.

Your dad had the best pen1s in the military.

Okay, just stop, stop!

Everybody stop!

Dad... are you gay?

What?

Are you gay, Dad?!

No, Glenn, I'm not gay.

Just... just tell me the truth!

I am telling you the truth.

Now calm down. You're ruining this ball.

You know how much I love balls.

All right, come on now! That's not helping!

Son, you have my word, I am not gay.

You promise?

I promise.

All right, I believe you.

But I am a woman trapped in a man's body.

And while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation.

Oh, come on.

Just be gay.

(knocking)

Hey, guys, you got a minute?

Hey, what's up, buddy?

It's, um, it's about my dad.

He... he wants to have a sex-change operation Whoa! I knew he was gay.

I didn't think he was that gay.

No, no, Peter, he's not gay.

He's a woman stuck in a man's body.

Yeah, gay.

It's totally different!

Sounds the same.

Well, it's not!

Okay, so he wants to be a woman so he can be a lesbian?

No, he'd date men.

Gay.

Yeah, gay.

Okay, this is not the help I came over here for.

Well, look, let's just all agree that he's odd, huh?

(laughs)

He has an appointment Friday with Dr. Hartman to have the procedure, and he wants me to go with him.

I... I just... I don't know if I can handle that.

Well, I'm sure your friend Peter would be happy to come along for moral support.

All right, but look, here's the deal: Anything he lops off, we get to bring home for Brian.

That's very green of you, Peter.

What?

I don't know.

Lois, that doesn't make any sense at all.

Yeah, it's something I heard on TV.

I don't know. Have fun at the circus.

(sighs) I wonder how long it's gonna take.

I don't know.

Hey, hey, you know what we should do?

We should put on some '80s music, and then, like, every few minutes, have him come out of there as a different s*x, and we'll go...

And then like the fifth or sixth s*x, we'll go like this...

This is not a joke, Peter, okay?!

They're cutting off his pen1s in there!

All right, all right.

I mean, this is my dad we're talking about!

Okay, okay.

What are you gonna name it, huh?

What are you gonna name your he/she father/mother?

Knock it off!

Wow! That thing was on there.

How is he, Doc? Is he all right?

No, I'm afraid not. (gasps)

But she's gonna be just fine!

Oh, my God!

(feminine voice): What do you think, boys!

♪ I'm walkin' on sunshine. Whoa-oh! ♪

Okay, kids, Mr. Quagmire and his dad... his moth... his friend are coming over soon for dinner.

So, remember, Chris, no staring.

And, Meg, you know how it is to be different, so be very nice.

(doorbell rings)

Well, hi, you guys.

I'm so glad you could come over.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet lda.

Hello, everyone!

Hello, Ida.

What's up?

I made a crumble.

Oh, how thoughtful.

Throw it away in the outside garbage.

Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room.

I'll say it. So, Ida, you miss your pen1s?

Peter!

Thank you for asking it.

Jeez.

No, it's okay.

It's a perfectly normal question.

We can't sit here and just pretend everything's the same.

It is a big transition for me, yes.

But the answer is, I still have it.

They just turn it inside out to simulate a v*g1n*.

Come on, Dad...

Not a bad option to have in the back pocket.

So, Lois, wh... what is this meal?

Wow... so good.

Oh, thank you, Glenn.

It's nothing fancy.

Just chicken with rosemary.

But I did put a lot of planning into the meal.

Yeah, we went down the list.

Nothing with wieners, nuts or grapes.

Out of respect.

Lois, I have to say, you look so put together.

Where do you buy your clothes?

Oh, how sweet.

Well, I love Anne Klein.

Oh, I'll have to try them.

I like the outfit you have on.

Thank you, Meg. Who did your procedure?

Wow.

You just burned your last friend in this room, lady.

This corn is special.

So tell me about those knockers.

Are we...? Are those...?

Is that just like, r... implants or did they reassign some ass fat up there?

All right, I'm out of here.

(door slams)

I wonder if I could push mine inside.

Oh, my God, it worked. It's gone!

I can't believe... Oh, no, it's back.

Well, that was quite a performance.

My performance? What about you?

Golly, Lois, where do you shop?

"Gee, your house looks beautiful.

Hey, I have an inside-out pen1s."

I never said their house looks beautiful.

Because, frankly, it didn't.

My dad, my dad, talking about decorating and women's clothing?

All I've talked about for years with these people is what a war hero you were.

And I was.

I'm changing my future, not my past.

Oh, yeah? What about my future, huh?

I don't even know what to call you.

My dad? My other mother?

My friend who pees sitting down but can also palm a basketball?

What about lda?

Aw.

No, man, you know, this is too hard.

You know, you're asking me to accept an awful lot.

I... I... I don't know if I can do this.

I understand.

I had the advantage of thinking about this for years.

For me it was easy: Do I want to be happy the rest of my life or miserable?

So now you're happy, and I'm miserable.

I see.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Oh, boy, nice to be back home.

Those seminars can wear you out.

(clearing throat)

Wow, did you say, "Web-based lnternet series?"

No.

Oh, my bad.

Great... idea... for one...

Where am I taking you again?

You know what? Drop me off at the Marriott.

I could use a drink.

Jack on the rocks, please.

Hey, here's to exciting, new opportunities on the lnternet.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you.

Oh, no, it's not you.

I'm... I'm just dealing with a lot right now.

You know, kids.

Ah. Does not... come... with a manual.

(chuckles)

So, wha... you're doing something with the lnternet?

I am, I am.

Being a writer, I'm always exploring new possibilities.

Wow, I could never be a writer.

How do you do it?

Well, you see, when I watch the world go by, I think of it kind of like a huge screen.

You know, every little interaction, every little moment is another scene captured by this camera.

That's fascinating.

Oh, yeah.

Brian.

Ida.

Two more, please.

So I finally tell them, "Hey, I came here to be at the seminar, not run it."

(both laughing)

That's... Oh.

Mm.

Hmm.

You know, we are in a hotel.

And I'm in room 406.

Go on ahead, I'll settle up.

Put it on 406.

Well, look who's home.

Hey, buddy.

How was the seminar?

Oh, it was terrific. The first day we were there...

Brian, Brian, Brian. I was after good or bad.

You know what, fine.

You... you guys are not gonna get to me this morning.

I am in too good a mood.

I met an amazing woman; Finally, the whole package.

Oh, you met her at the seminar?

No, that's just it... it was right here in town last night.

She's a classy, smart, beautiful lady.

Look, I took a picture of her.

See.

Uh...

Wha... Is... is...?

Um...

I...

Here, Lois, take a look.

(both laughing uncontrollably)

Oh, my God!

This is the best day of my life!

(laughing)

You know what?

You're just jealous 'cause I found a real woman.

(laughing harder)

Oh, hey, Brian.

Hey.

Not to worry, I called in, and a new cell phone should be here for you in three business days.

What? Why?

Well, clearly, yours is broken.

Because I haven't heard from you.

I wanted to tell you about my week.

God... Doesn't anyone in this house care about anyone but themselves?

Hey, Brian, how was the seminar?

Meg, please.

I'm serious, Stewie.

I've had an amazing few days and nobody cares.

Oh, come on in. Come on in.

Tell old Stew.

Okay, well, first, the seminar was terrific.

I absorbed so much.

And then I get back here last night, and I meet an incredible woman.

You know, I've heard the phrase soul mate for years, and I never got it till last night.

Well, I've got a woman story for you that you're not gonna believe.

Quagmire's father, decorated war hero, Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire, is now a woman.

You're kidding.

No. Total s*x change.

(laughing) That is hysterical.

I know, huh?

Suck on that, Quagmire.

Yeahit's, it's not settling with the Q-man all too well.

Oh, my God, what... wha... what does it look like?

You know, not half bad.

Nothing you'd look twice at, but not bad.

Oh, my God, that... you know, that is a tough road ahead.

I mean, like, what do those people do as far as relationships and s*x and stuff?

I don't know.

I mean, it's got to be a train wreck down there, right?

I mean, just... just an absolute casserole of nonsense.

Is she over there right now? We should go take a look.

No. They had a fight; she's staying at the Marriott.

Aw, damn, I was just there.

Really?

Yeah, maybe I saw him in the lobby and didn't even know.

Oh, no, you'd know.

Aw, man, what... what do we call him now?

We... Do we still call him Dan?

No, and I'm not crazy about the name change.

What is it... like Danielle or Dana?

No, Ida.

(retching)

(retching)

(gasping)

(screaming)

Oh, what?! What the hell?! What's wrong with you?!

(yelling) I had s*x with her!

What?!

I had s*x with her at the Marriott!

(screaming) Why?!

I didn't know! I didn't know it was her!

Oh, my God!

(both screaming)

How does this happen?

When they move to a new place, they're supposed to notify the neighborhood.

That's how it works!

He didn't actually move, he's just visiting!

Oh, Dad, I've been worried sick. Where have you been?

Listen, I... I feel awful about the things I said last night.

I was selfish.

Aw, you weren't selfish.

I realize I put a lot on you.

I was wrong to just assume that you would understand and be able to accept this.

But, trust me, I had been unhappy for a long, long time.

Wow.

Well, all I want is for you to be happy.

You're my dad.

And if you're happy, I'm happy for you.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I love you.

I love you, too, Glenn.

Glenn?

Sorry, sorry.

Damn thing can't tell the difference.

(both laughing)

Oh, dear...

Okay, well, so now that we got all the mush out of the way, I have some news.

Tell me. Tell me.

I met someone.

What? You did?

Oh, my God, Glenn, he's amazing.

I couldn't be happier.

Really? What's his name?

Quagmire (screaming): No!

(gasping and whimpering)

(gasping and whimpering continues)

(door slams)

Quagmire: Where is he?!

Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch?!

Get out of there, you dirty little b*st*rd!

You're dead!

(groans)

(groaning)

If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off!

Now lay there and die, you piece of crap!

Hey.

I (bleeped) your dad.