Buford Confidential

(Scene opens up at the Flynn-Fletcher house)

Candace: (Talking on the phone) ...So I said, "You're not getting me up into the mountains on a day like this", (She is on the couch with dozens of fans) I'm staying right here, with my beautiful air conditioning. I'm just gonna chillax right through this one.

(Scene shifts to Betty Jo and Clyde's cabin)

Isabella: Thanks for letting us host the French Fireside Girls at your cabin, Mr. and Mrs. Flynn. This'll be a great place for them to get their North American Tracking patches.

Clyde: What did I do again?

Phineas: The French Fireside Girls, or le filles coin du feu, as they're known in their country of origin, are going for their North American Tracking patches. And you're helping us help them.

Betty Jo: I put a sticky note on your shirt.

Clyde: (sees the note) Aww. And you wrote "love". (whispers as they leave) I knew it was there.

Betty Jo: Why do you play senile?

Clyde: I love your notes!

(A van pulls up)

Isabella: They're here! The French Fireside Girls! Or le filles coin du feu, as they're known in their country of origin.

(As she says this, the French Fireside Girls arrive.)

Brigitte/Josette/Collette: Alouette, gentille alouette,

Alouette, je te plumerai.

Isabella: ''Bonjour, le filles coin du feu. Je m'appelle Isabel.''

Brigitte: ''Oh, chi paz français. An as sassa en ou toum de? Y je buhouchs e du...''

Isabella: Whoa, whoa, stop, stoppee! That's all the French I've got.

Brigitte: Dacaz. I am Brigitte, and these are Josette and Collette.

Josette/Collette: Bonjour!

Isabella: (gestures to Phineas and Ferb) And this is --

Brigitte: Phineas et Ferb! (Holds up newspaper) We read your column in Le filles en coin de feu Gazette.

Isabella: (Humbly) I'm syndicated.

Phineas: Matre de maz.

Baljeet: (He wheels in a large crate with a tarp over it) Everyone, please stand back! Keep your fingers, and berets away from the bars.

Isabella: Le filles coin du feu, to earn your American Tracking Patch, you'll have to capture the most dangerous of creatures, the vicious, American, (She pulls away the tarp, revealing Buford in a bear costume) grizzly bear.

Baljeet: He has not been fed.

(Buford roars, buts stops short when he sees Brigitte)

Isabella: My friend has graciously agreed to be the bear for today's hunt.

(Buford pulls the tarp back over the cage)

Baljeet: Excuse me. (He goes around to the back of the cage) What is up?

Buford: (he pulls Baljeet inside) Get in here! I know that girl out there!

Baljeet: You do?

Buford: Yeah, we met, in Paris. (He flashes back) It was a year ago, and I was taking in some of the local color, when I saw her, Brigitte. She was a beautiful French girl, and I was an ugly American. Which of course holds a certain mystique. With her I completely forgot myself. I read poetry, I wept at beauty, I clipped my toenails. For Brigitte, I even learned to speak the language of love, French talk.

Baljeet: Oh, that is why you are fluent in French.

Buford: It was easy actually. A lot of the root words are the same in Latin. But I can't let anyone know I have a heart, it'll ruin my tough-guy image. And believe me, the irony is not lost on me in this suit. Aw man, don't you see, if I get all gushy now, I'll be totally exposed! I can't stand it! (He pushes Baljeet aside, and flees the cage)

Isabella: There he goes. Let the tracking begin. (The girls run after him)

Baljeet: Wait, you speak Latin!?

Phineas: Go get 'em girls!

Clyde: You'll never catch me running around in a fuzzy bear suit, (He passes for a moment) in this heat.

Phineas: It is a tad sweltering. A little fun with water might be in order.

Clyde: Way ahead of ya' kiddo. (He shows them a sprinkler)

Phineas: You're on the right track Grandpa, mind if we kick it up a notch?

Clyde: I was hoping you might.

Phineas: Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today! Hey, where's Perry?

(Perry puts on his hat, and slides into a log, where there is a monitor at the back)

Major Monogram: Good morning Agent P. I'd tell you what Doofenshmirtz is up to but the screen isn't big enough for the little box thingy over my shoulder, but I'm sure you'll figure it out when you get there. Good luck Agent P.

(Agent P leave)

Monogram: Oh give me a home, where the buffalo-- Moth! Moth!

Buford: Of all the clearings, of all the woods, in all the world, she had to walk into mine. (Buford's phone rings) Tell me she was deported!

Baljeet: Buford, what are you doing?

Buford: The forest is crawlin' with patch-crazed Europeans and I'm a bear in the woods. What do you think I'm doing?

Phineas: Ooh! Ooh! I know!

Buford: Am I on speaker phone? GET ME OFF OF SPEAKER PHONE!

Brigitte: This way I see a score.

Buford: They're comin'!

Phineas: How's he doin' Baljeet?

Brigitte: I want his fuzzy fent on my wall!

Baljeet: Ha, well...

Phineas: You want to help us make a super-sprinkler?

Baljeet: Yes, yes I do.

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated! (Perry arrives at Doofenshmirtz's door and kicks it down, only to find another door blocking him, he kicks this one down as well, and continues to kick in eight more)

Doofenshmirtz: Aw, Perry the Platypus, are you felling tired?

(The door Perry was standing on wraps itself in a sheet, trapping Perry)

Doofenshmirtz: Take a rest! I figured you'd be exhausted after breaking all those doors. I-I even put a mint on your pillow, and everything, though, I guess it's probably just stuck to the back of your head now. Sorry about that. So, let's talk about pretzels. You see Perry the Platypus, when I was younger, (Doofenshmirtz flashes back) I did a summer internship at Master Drakkenblad's Pretzel Palace, He was the biggest pretzel wizard in Drusselstein. His disproportionately delicate hands, could turn any dough into a masterpiece. But even after months, my pretzel still lacked, polish. No matter how hard I tried, my work was never good enough. I don't know why he was such a stickler, I mean it's a knot. What difference does it make as long as you can't untie it? It's a knot! Anyway, I was declared unworthy. (Doofenshmirtz's Flash back ends) So now I despise pretzels. And any pretzel related entertainment. And now Danville is having its own Pretzel Festival! Can you even imagine how angry that makes me? Can you imagine? No? Angry enough to create the De-Twist-inator! We'll see how festive they feel after I turn all those stupid pretzels into boring straight tubes of baked dough, like-like breadsticks, which I also have a problem with, but I'm dealing with one neurosis at a time. And then, when I've straightened all their precious pretzels, I will waltz in, and take over the Tri-State Area. Yeah, I know it doesn't quite follow. I mean I even made a venn diagram. (He hold up a venn diagram, with to circles, not intersecting at all) See, the-the pretzels are here in this circle, and we're talking about taking over the Tri-State Area here, and... Yeah, no intersection, nothing. Hmm. But I'm gonna work it out you'll see.

(Phineas, Ferb, and Baljeet work on their super sprinkler underwater to the tune of the Quirky Worky Song)

Brigitte: You see here, these tracks indicated, that he went in that direction.

Isabella: Great! Come on, let's check it out!

Brigitte: But, the weight was on the balls of his feet instead of the heels, he retraced his steps to here. Voilà! the footprints continue here. This way, the hunt is on!

(Song: "Runnin' from Love (In a Bear Suit)")

I've got no time for conversation,

'Cause I'm runnin' from love!

Don't need no complication,

'Cause I'm runnin' from love!

Wish I had better transportation

But I'm runnin' from love,

'Cause I'm runnin', runnin' from love in a bear suit

Runnin' (runnin'), runnin' (runnin'), runnin' from love! (runnin' from love!)

Runnin' (runnin'), runnin' (runnin'), runnin' from love!

How about a giraffe suit?

Afraid I'll hit my head

How about a reindeer suit?

I can't pull that sled!

How about a lemming suit?

Afraid where I'd be led!

I guess I should feel lucky cause if you find yourself runnin' from love in an animal-themed costume,

You could do a whole lot worse than a bear suit

Runnin' (runnin'), running (runnin'), runnin' from love! (runnin' from love!)

Runnin' (runnin'), runnin' (runnin'), runnin' from love!

(Oh, runnin' from love!) Runnin' (runnin'), runnin' (runnin'), runnin' from love in a bear suit

Brigitte: Fireside Girls, goggle on. (The Fireside Girls don goggles) He has gone completely animal. He smells us. Pursue!

Doofenshmirtz: And when the chickens hatch, that's when the marshmallows kick in. Oh, oh boy, this one really taxed my brain. I am telling you, I am pooped. Anyway, forget the details, the circles are touching so the plan can't miss. Now, I've got a pretzel problem, and I'm about to straighten it out. Hahaha, you see? 'Cause their pretzels, their twisted, their not straight. It's- You like that one Perry the Platypus? I've been saving it up. (Perry twists around in his trap, and using the mist that got stuck to his head, he rips off the sheet tying him down. He then launches himself at Doofenshmirtz, and causes the -inator the fire off a few shots, hitting a girl with curly hair, a yoga class, and a roller coaster)

(Buford continues to run away from the fireside girls, but unfortunately trips over a log, sending him tumbling to the edge of the lake, where he spots Phineas and Ferb's super sprinkler)

Phineas: Hey Buford, what do you think of our super sprinkler? We used low turbulence mechanics, and specific gravity to make the water hold its shape while in motion.

Buford: You had me at super sprinkler.

Brigitte: There he is!

Isabella: Get 'em girls!

Brigitte: You cannot escape!

(Buford jumps into the water, and rides up the super sprinkler)

Brigitte: You think I am afraid of a little water, bear? Think again! (Brigitte runs after Buford)

Buford: What the-?! Aw man.

Isabella: She is really serious about getting this patch.

Josette and Collette: Oui.

Buford: (To Baljeet) Where have you been?

Baljeet: Dude, it is not my problem.

Phineas: Ferb, did you order a bear?

(Ferb says something, but it is muffled by his snorkel)

Phineas: Oh man, that would have been so funny without the snorkel.

Brigitte: Move it or lose it!

Buford: (He comes to the end of the super sprinkler) It just stops? How is that possible?

Brigitte: There is nowhere left to run bear!

Buford: No! No! Don't look at me.

Brigitte: Buford?

(Perry wraps Doofenshmirtz in his blanket, then spins him into the -inator, setting it off, and destroying it)

Doofenshmirtz: See? Another reason to hate twisting. Curse you Perry the Platypus. (The De-Twist-inator blows up)

(A ray from the -inator hits Phineas and Ferb's super sprinkler, straightening it out, making everybody fall)

Brigitte: Buford!

Buford: No! I'm not me! I'm somebody else!

Brigitte: Buford, I know it is you, but why would hide from me?

Buford: (He sighs heavily) Oh, Brigitte, I've spent years building up my tough-guy street cred. I can bounce back from the fuzzy bear suit, but being in love with a beautiful, sweet, exotic girl like yourself... If people found out about that, my image would be fini

Brigitte: Oh, Buford, you silly boy. I'm a well-bred, refined European. I would never let the Fireside Girls know that I was vaguely interested in brute such as you. In fact, (She slaps Buford across the face) au revoir. (She swims away)

Baljeet: You okay buddy?

Buford: (Dreamily) She said she was vaguely interested in me.

End Credits
I've got no time for conversation,

'Cause I'm runnin' from love!

Don't need no complication,

'Cause I'm runnin' from love!

Wish I had better transportation

But I'm runnin' from love,

'Cause I'm runnin', runnin' from love in a bear suit

Runnin' (runnin'), runnin' (runnin'), runnin' from love! (runnin' from love!)

Runnin' (runnin'), runnin' (runnin'), runnin' from love!