The Hot Troll Deviation


 * Raj: I'm telling you, if emits, then those  discoveries must be wrong!
 * Sheldon: Yes, well, if we lived in a world where slow moving Xenon produced light, then you'd be correct. Also, pigs would fly, my derriere would produce cotton candy, and the Phantom Menace would be a timeless classic.
 * Raj: You're so arrogant! If you were a superhero, your name would be Captain Arrogant. And you know what his superpower would be? Arrogance!
 * Sheldon: You're wrong again. If my superpower were arrogance, my name would be Doctor Arroganto.


 * [Scene: Bernadette’s car.]
 * Howard: I had a good time.
 * Bernadette: Me, too.
 * Katee Sackhoff: Kiss her good night. All right, now a little tongue.
 * George Takei: Hold on there. We’ve only just rekindled the romance. Let’s not sully the moment with the exchange of saliva.
 * Katee Sackhoff: Don’t listen to him. She wants it. Tongue. Luh-luh-luh-luh-luh. See? Now make the move.
 * George Takei: Mm-mmm. Too soon.
 * Katee Sackhoff: Trust me, she’s ready. Make the move.
 * George Takei: No, no, no. A lady wants to be wooed, courted slowly.
 * Katee Sackhoff: How would you know?
 * George Takei: I read.
 * Katee Sackhoff: Listen to me, Howard, it’s time. Make the move, now.
 * Bernadette: Mm! What are you doing?
 * Howard: You said, well, the move, remember?
 * Bernadette: Oh, not now. We’re starting a new relationship. I need to get to know you again.
 * Howard: No, you don’t. It’s me. The lusty charmer with the fancy patter and the hoochie pants.
 * Bernadette: Be patient, we’ll get there.
 * George Takei: Told you.
 * [Bernadette and Howard keep kissing as the scene fades to black]


 * Sheldon: Penny, a moment.
 * Penny: What?
 * Sheldon: Nothing, I just wanted Raj to stop talking.
 * (Raj tries to whisper something to Howard)
 * Howard: (To Raj) No, no, no, he won, suck it up.


 * Sheldon: This isn't a desk, this is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity!
 * Raj: Is that the American idiom for "giant big-ass desk"?
 * Sheldon: It's actually British.


 * Sheldon: Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose.
 * Raj: Well seeing as its purpose was to piss you off, I'd say it's spot on.


 * Sheldon: Alright, I see what's going on here. This is the opening salvo to what will be a escalating series of juvenile "tit for tat" exchanges. Well titted.
 * Raj: Thank you.
 * Sheldon: Stand by for my upcoming tat!


 * Leonard: Oh, God, what’s that smell? (Knocks on Sheldon’s door. Sheldon answers in a gas mask). Oh-ho-hop!
 * Sheldon: Yes?
 * Leonard: What are you doing in there?
 * Sheldon: I’m making hydrogen sulphide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control.
 * Raj: It’s not gonna work, dude, I grew up in India, an entire subcontinent where cows walk in the street, and nobody has ever had a solid bowel movement.
 * Sheldon: Well, we’ll just see how long you can hold out.
 * Raj: Well, we’ll just see how your noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple-scented aroma therapy candles.
 * Leonard: Didn’t you say you’re making hydrogen sulphide gas?
 * Sheldon: Yes.
 * Leonard: Isn’t that flammable?
 * Sheldon: Highly. Oh, dear. (Explosion)
 * Raj: This is not over.


 * Katee Sackhoff: Kiss her good night. All right, now a little tongue.
 * George Takei: Hold on there. We’ve only just rekindled the romance. Let’s not sully the moment with the exchange of saliva.
 * Katee Sackhoff: Don’t listen to him. She wants it. Tongue. Luh-luh-luh-luh-luh. See? Now make the move.
 * George Takei: Mm-mmm. Too soon.
 * Katee Sackhoff: Trust me, she’s ready. Make the move.
 * George Takei: No, no, no. A lady wants to be wooed, courted slowly.
 * Katee Sackhoff: How would you know?
 * George Takei: I read.


 * [The Cheesecake Factory scene where Bernadette has finished her waitress shift and she has taken her apron off as she walks to the table that Howard is sitting at alone].
 * Bernadette: Sorry. (scene of Howard looking up at Bernadette) I had to clock out.
 * [Bernadette sits down opposite Howard andputs her apron on the table]
 * Howard: Oh, no, that’s okay. How have you been?
 * Bernadette: Okay. You know, busy, school, work. You?
 * Howard: Same. I took a scuba-diving course over the summer, but it turns out I’m terrified of the ocean.
 * Bernadette: Too bad.
 * Howard: You wouldn’t know anybody who wants to buy a wet suit, boy’s large? Yeah, forget it. Not important. So, are you seeing anyone?
 * Bernadette: Well, to be honest, I…
 * Penny: Hey, how are we doing over here? Can I get you something to drink?
 * Howard: Not for me, thanks.
 * Bernadette: I’m okay.
 * Penny: Are you gonna want to order food?
 * Howard: Maybe later.
 * Penny: Okay.
 * Howard: So, are you seeing anybody?
 * Bernadette: No.
 * Penny: That’s what I told him when he asked me. I hope that’s not out of line.
 * 'Bernadette: No, it’s fine.
 * Howard: Penny, can we have a little privacy?
 * Penny: Oh. I’m sorry.
 * Bernadette: What about you, have you been seeing anybody?
 * Howard: Well, you know how it is with guys. I mean, we have needs and…
 * Bernadette: So you’ve been seeing other girls?
 * Howard: Well, not real girls.
 * Bernadette: (getting upset) Does that mean slutty trolls?
 * Penny: You know, you look thirsty. I brought you some iced tea.
 * Bernadette: Thank you.
 * Penny: It’s passion fruit, new on the menu.
 * (Bernadette says an excuse to get Penny out the way)
 * Bernadette: (not sounding too happy) I know. I work here.
 * Penny: Oh, sorry. Yeah, you’re right. Doy. So, Howard, trolls, yay or nay?
 * Howard: Isn’t there somewhere else you can be?
 * Penny: Not where I can hear you guys.
 * Howard: Okay, fine. I’ll admit, there are dark, sordid little corners of the Internet where the name Wolowizard is whispered in hushed tones.
 * (Penny nods her head and thinks)
 * But the only reason I go there, the only reason I’ve ever gone there is because I don’t have a real woman in my life. (Bernadette looks shocked) You happy?
 * Penny: Yeah, that’ll hold me for a while.
 * (Bernadette now has a sharp word with Howard about his irresponsibility)
 * Bernadette: (she is now very cross) Howard, you did have a real woman. I was right there in the next room while you were clicking that troll’s brains out.
 * Howard: Yeah, but we weren’t, I-I mean, you and I never…
 * Bernadette: Had sex?
 * Howard: Yeah.
 * Bernadette: (asking crossly) Well, whose fault was that?
 * Penny: Complimentary nachos! You enjoy. Never had sex? Wow.
 * Howard: What do you mean, whose fault was that?
 * Bernadette: Well, we could’ve been having sex, but you never made the move.
 * Howard: I didn’t think you wanted me to make the move.
 * Bernadette: (she is now even more cross) Howard, a girl doesn’t go out with a man like you, with your looks, your fancy patter and your tight hoochie pants if she’s not expecting him to eventually make the move.
 * Howard: Really?
 * Bernadette: Really.
 * Howard: Son of a bitch.
 * Penny: Hey, this is a little awkward, but my manager says I can’t actually give nachos away. So, just take that when you’re ready.