Just the Good Parts

(On the set of The Moment of Truth)

Mark L. Walberg: Next question...Have you ever told your wife you liked her dress when you really didn't?

Male Contestant: (Stammers and exhales sharply for a long period of time while his wife looks at him) [Whispers] Oh, here we go... (Stammers some more) Yes. (Audience gasps, his wife cries) Yes.

(Show is paused)

Spokesperson: Wow! They pad the hell out of that show, huh? That's why I subscribed to "Just the Good Parts" from my cable or satellite provider. You can watch an entire B.S. game show in just 15 seconds.

(Show speeds up rapidly)

Mark L. Walberg: Ever told your wife you liked her dress when you really didn't?

Male Contestant: Yes. (Ding!)

Mark L. Walberg: Ever cheated on your taxes?

Male Contestant: Yes. (Ding!)

Mark L. Walberg: Ever used the N-word in anger?

Male Contestant: Yes. (Ding!)

Mark L. Walberg: Ever put your penis in a slinky?

Male Contestant: Yea--no.

Mark L. Walberg: You lose!! (Buzzer)

Male Contestant: Aw.

Spokesperson: "Just the Good Parts" speeds up all your favorite shows and movies. Just watch!

(Card shows "Every James Bond Movie",)

James Bond: (Walks across screen and shoots targeting shooter) Bond, James Bond.

(Cuts to scene where James Bond punches a villain off hot-air balloon)

James Bond: Now that the mission is over, let's find your balloon knot.

Bond Girl: Oh, James!

(Card shows "Philadelphia" with "The Streets of Philadelphia"-alike tune playing in background)

Andrew Beckett: I have AIDS.

Joe Miller: HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!!

(Cuts to scene where Miller mourns for Becket at his funeral)

(Card shows "The Shining" with intense music in background)

(Three scenes show Jack Torrance sitting at the desk with his typewriter, on the bench, and outside in the snow)

(Cuts to scene where Dick Halloran dances and scats in the kitchen)

(Card shows "The Wizard of Oz")

Dorothy Gale: (In Black & White plain road scene) I'm running away from home! (At colorful yellow-brick road scene) I wanna go home!

(Cuts briefly to hanged munchkin)

Dorothy Gale: (In Black & White bed scene) I was home all along!

(Card shows "There Will Be Blood" with very intense music")

(Worker gets impaled by a block of wood, another worker gets impaled by a long piece of pipe, an explosion occurs at an oil well, blowing back a child)

Daniel Plainview: A bastard in a basket!!

(Card shows Peter Jackson's "King Kong")

(Cuts to ending credits)

(Card shows "Enchanted")

(Gizelle sings scales while a deer farts in the background)

(Card shows "Lawrence of Arabia", then it cuts to a crime scene in the desert)

Investigator: Never saw a man killed with a sword before

Citizen: Why don't you take a picture?

Investigator: I wish I had.

(Cuts to T.E. Lawrence riding his motorcycle and crashing off-scene)

(Cuts to Oscar award show)

Elliott Gould: (At podium) And "Best Picture" goes to..."Lawrence of Arabia"!

(T.E. Lawrence on motorcycle snatches Oscar, then crashes out of the auditorium screaming)

(Card shows "Step Up 2 The Streets")

(Cuts to scene where two dance groups are at a dance-off while a deer farts in the background)

(Card shows "Battlestar Galactica")

Captain Kara "Starbuck" Thrace: Ugh, I'm a cylon.

Karl C. Agathon: I'm a cylon.

Colonel Saul Tigh: Dammit, I'm a cylon!

Sharon/Number Eight: I am a cylon.

Officer William Adama: Cylon.

D'Anna Biers: I am a cylon.

Seth Green: Uhh...I--I'm a cylon. (His head gets blown off by a shotgun)

Ronald D. Moore: (Behind Seth with a shotgun) Gotcha you filthy cylon son of a bitch motherf*cker you DIE!!