Pro Tiki Con Tiki

(phone ringing)

That ringtone is played out.

Why can't land lines have funky ringtones?

I kind of like the ring.

(phone ringing)

(imitates): Ring...

It's classic.

Bob's Burgers. Yes, this is Bob.

Hey, Warren Fitzgerald?

How's it going? Long time no talk!

Warren Fitzgerald?

Dad's childhood friend who got rich?

Uh, Dad's childhood friend who got super rich.

He's actually real?

I thought that was Dad's alter ego, like in Fight Club.

Kids, shush. Uh, what were you saying?

Oh, Warren Fitzgerald is real.

He's, like, ten feet tall, or maybe I was just really young when I met him.

No, he might be that tall.

He can afford extra leg.

And all the toes he wants!

Great, talk to you soon.

So, how's the richest man you know?

Wait, are you the poorest man he knows?

Probably. But he's great.

And he's gonna be in town, and he wants to come stay with us this weekend.

Is that okay?

Of course. He's your only friend. I mean, your oldest friend.

Good, because I kind of already told him he could.

This is gonna be fun.

Dad, you are positively giddy.

Yeah, you're glowing. Are you pregnant?

It's just that, you know, Warren was, like, the guy in high school.

He was... he was, like, the leader of our little group.

Oh, that must have been a tough job to get.

Was he the Fonz?

He made the Fonz look like Potsie. ‭Whoa.

That's great. But he wants to stay with us?

Why not stay at a nice hotel?

Or buy a nice hotel?

‭Yeah.

I, you know, I think he really wants to reconnect.

And... and get to know you guys, right?

Get the full Belcher experience.

Ew.

‭Right, we are disgusting.

So let's not make Warren sleep on the couch.

I need one of you kids to give up your room.

Not it! ‭Not it! ‭Ah! Darn.

That's how you guys settle things? "Not it"?

Yeah.

You want to get involved, help us sort stuff out?

No, you're good.

Yeah.

‭Mm...

You sure you don't want to sleep in my room, Gene?

Uh, this window by the street will be a little quieter than your room.

I guess I've been talking in my sleep a little lately.

More like yelling.

It's like a poetry slam in there.

Mm... I can make this work.

I hereby declare this nook New Geneland!

Our primary export is natural gas!

And Fiats.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, Warren's here.

Hey, we should dump a cup of water out the window on him.

We used to do that to each other all the time.

On it! (panting)

So that's life before the Internet, huh?

What the... My watch!

It's ruined!

Oh, no!

My grandfather gave me this watch!

Uh-oh. ‭Oh, crap! I'm sorry!

Oh, my God. Sorry!

(laughing): Bob! Gotcha!

I don't even have a watch.

Or a grandfather.

(laughing)

So now that I've sold my company, I'm just taking some time to reconnect with friends and family.

And you guys are like friends and family.

So... kill two birds with one stone.

Not that I'm trying to kill you.

Oh, phew.

Warren, a man of your means is gonna need some executive protection.

I can offer my services starting at five percent of your net worth.

'Kay, show me what you got.

Well, I can do this move.

It's called "Give the rich guy some space!"

(strained): But I want to touch the rich guy!

You got skills, Louise, but I had all of my blood and organs replaced with steel... a lot of rich people are doing it now... so I'm immortal and I can't be hurt, so I don't need security.

Of course.

Warren, did you have dinner?

Uh, I had a salad, so... no.

Well, you want to go downstairs and I can whip up a couple burgers?

Yeah, I do.

I finally get to try one of those famous burgers.

And later, Dad can give you one of his famous backrubs!

♪ ♪

Man, this is a great burger.

I mean, I was ready to like it...

I had a fake compliment locked and loaded... but I really love it.

‭Thanks.

What was the fake compliment you had?

"Man, this is a great burger!"

That's what you said.

Yeah, but I meant it.

(phone rings)

Oh, hold on. Hello?

Are you and Warren gonna come up and say good night or are we just going to do it over the phone, like animals?

Good night, Gene.

Good night, Father.

Now put Warren on, please.

He deserves to be good night-ed.

My son wants to say good night.

Oh! Good night, Gene.

Good night, Warren.

(whispers): Can you bring up some fries?

Is he asking you to bring him fries?

No...

(whispers): He's onto us, I gotta go.

Go to bed, Gene.

I'm in bed, I'm just hungry!

So, this place must do pretty well, huh?

Yeah, I mean, pretty well.

Business is up and down, you know.

Okay, mostly downs. Never really an up.

That doesn't make sense to me, Bob.

I mean, that was the best burger I've ever had and I've had a burger in Japan that cost $1,700.

What? H-How was it $1,700?

Well, they put all sorts of fancy stuff on it... foie gras, an edible gold leaf.

You get to eat it inside a hologram.

You are really rich.

I am. And I'll tell you something: I want to invest in you.

What? This place has untapped potential.

I mean, it's crazy that it hasn't taken off yet.

You love what you do, and you have an amazing product.

I want to tap that potential.

I want to tap that!

I don't think you mean to say it like that.

Oh, yes, I do!

‭I... (laughs)

Okay, so, invest in me?

What are we talking about, here?

Well, for starters, I write you a check for a $100,000.

(coughing)

You okay?

Mm-hmm.

Are you... crying?

(falsetto): No. No. No.

Is your voice getting higher?

‭(falsetto): Yep!

Okay, anyway, we can talk about all sorts of things... branding, marketing, some sizzle.

Throw out some ideas.

You know, just business-partner stuff.

For you to take or leave.

Okay, yes!

I didn't really hear anything you said after "write you a check for $100,000," but yes!

Great!

‭I can't believe this!

(phone rings) ‭Hello?

Gene (deep voice): Hello, this is the fire department.

There's a ketchup fire upstairs and we need all the fries you got!

$100,000.

$100,000!

I mean, how much is that?

Show me the check again. Show me, show me, show me, show me.

I want to kiss it! Come here!

Mwah, mwah, mwah.

Can I see it?

Wow, I never knew checks could have commas.

I even put an exclamation point in there.

I'm as excited as you guys are!

Okay, everybody stop touching the check.

I'm going to take it to the bank right now.

I bet he's gonna drop it in the gutter.

Don't drop it in the gutter, Bobby!

Don't you drop it!

Tape it to your chest!

Bob: I'm not going to drop it.

Oh, crap.

Never mind, I got it!

Where are your pants, Gene?

I just came from New Geneland, where you don't need pants.

Well, this is Linda-braska, so put 'em on.

So, New Geneland's pretty great, huh?

"Pretty great." It's amazing!

I got the TV right there, and the pee plant is just a few steps away.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You watched TV after we went to bed?

No fair.

Yes, and if last night is any indication, we are living in the golden age of late-night talk shows.

Did you say "pee plant"?

And you are welcome to use it, sir.

Oh, thanks, but I'm-I'm covered.

I've got a pee shoe in your closet.

Oh, right.

My rain boots.

I was kidding.

Do you really pee in your rain boots?

No...

♪ ♪

I would like to make a deposit, please.

Oh, Bob. Has it gotten this bad?

What? What-what do you mean?

Nothing. Just a moment, I have to make a quick phone call.

Are you having your security guard stand over me?

No, no, no, no, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Hello, Mr. Warren Fitzgerald?

Yes, I'm the manager at the First Oceanside Savings Bank, and I have a Bob Belcher here trying to deposit a check with your name on it for $100,000.

Oh, wow. Thank you for alerting me to this.

I have no idea who that...

What did... what did you say his name is? Bob Belcher?

Yeah, I-I have no idea who he is.

So it is fraud.

Wait, wh-what?

He's saying you committed fraud.

I-I didn't, that's my friend.

W-what... wait...

‭Thank you for confirming this, and we'll have the proper authorities...

Oh, wait, wait.

Bob Belcher. Yes, yes, yes.

I thought you said Boab Belcher.

It just sounded weird when you said it.

I did write him that check.

You did.

‭Warren: Mm-hmm.

And it wasn't a terrible mistake you made by accident?

No. ‭Or a lapse in judgment.

Nope.

‭Serious head injury?

(chuckles) No.

Are you sure?

I'm quite sure.

Okay, then, very well.

Ha!

‭What, Bob?

Ha! Put that down in the comments section on my account.

Bob... says... "ha."

Good one, Warren. You got me.

That guy was so ready to have you arrested, Bob.

Yep, that's my banker.

That should be their slogan: "We're ready to have you arrested!"

What are you guys doing?

Uh, measuring the window for an awning.

I take it you've met, then.

Yup. I heard all about it from Linda.

Congrats, Bob.

I always knew you'd make it big time if one of your old friends ever made a bunch of money.

Thanks, Teddy.

I already made a list of repairs that we can get started on.

It's funny, it came out to exactly $100,000 worth of work.

(laughs) It adds up.

It adds up, Bobby.

All right, take it easy, Teddy.

‭Yeah.

(bell jingles)

I'm riding this one out as far as she'll go, Bob!

This is my big break, too!

Quit smudging!

An awning could be a good idea. ‭Sure.

But I'm surprised you went for the tiki thing.

(bell jingles)

The tiki thing?

Yeah. You didn't know?

It's gonna be a palm-frond awning.

We're gonna tiki-fy the place.

"Tiki-fy"?

Oh, you're pranking me.

I-I get it. Good one.

No, no, I'm serious, Bob.

It's business 101.

You need an entry point, a hook.

I-I figured we would use the money to maybe upgrade some equipment, or do some advertising, but...

This is advertising!

You lure people in with something flashy and fun, something that distinguishes you, and once they're in, you wow them with your product.

Makes sense to me.

Thank you, Teddy.

My entry point is my bangs.

Then I wow them with my winning personality.

You wow me with your breath.

‭Thank you.

Hey! I just realized it's called an awning because it's "on" the window.

Oh, yeah!

It's just, tiki, I mean... should we talk about this?

Hey, if you don't like it, we can do something else, but I think you're gonna like it.

It goes with the whole beach town thing.

You walk in here, see the tiki, and you say, "Yeah.

It makes sense. Perfect."

We do live by the beach.

I... I don't know.

Don't-don't worry, Bob.

The destination is still your burger, but the restaurant is the journey there.

Wow, I just got chills.

From me.

‭Okay...

Plus, I found a bunch of tiki stuff for sale at a place that went out of business in Bog Harbor.

But they went out of business so that doesn't seem like...

They didn't have your superior product, Bob.

Tell you what, I'll go check that stuff out and you keep Tik-ing about it.

See? All these fun jokes we can make?

Yup, that's... great.

(door opens, bell jingles)

I mean, we'll think of better ones, but you get the idea.

See you in a bit!

A theme? Lin, we already have a theme.

It's a restaurant.

Restaurant theme.

It'll probably be just a couple things to spruce up the place, you know?

Nothing crazy.

So, this is a lot of stuff.

Yeah, great stuff.

We got the tiki water pitchers, the tiki salt and pepper shakers.

Tiki straws for tiki spitballs.

(door opens, bell jingles) Ow.

Umbrellas for the drinks.

In case it rains, keep the ice dry.

Couple of tiki statues... ooh, scary!

Where do these guys go?

Wherever there's space... tables, countertops, everywhere!

What's this?

That's to wrap around the bottom of the counter.

Ooh, our counter's gonna look like a sexy hula dancer!

Should I start wearing a coconut bra?

No. ‭Yes.

Everybody's thinking it.

And here's the crown jewel of it all...

Pineapple: Aloha!

(gasps) You can talk!

(chuckles) It's on a motion detector.

You put it near the door, and when people walk by, it says, "Aloha."

I wanted that job.

Wow, I, uh, usually don't like sunglasses indoors, but that pineapple really pulls it off.

That is one cool fruit.

People are gonna go crazy for that pineapple.

Yeah. ‭What a time to be alive.

You're gonna love the giant volcano it sits on.

Will you give me a hand with it, Teddy?

Sure, sure.

Moving mountains.

This is what God must feel like.

(bell jingles) (hesitantly): Well, this is very exciting.

And now we don't need to go to Hawaii.

(laughs)

Pineapple: Aloha!

Aloha to you.

Hey, pineapple, if I'm supposed to marry a cute boy and live on a horse farm, say "aloha."

Pineapple: Aloha!

Yes.

And if you're kidding, say "aloha" again.

Pineapple: Aloha!

Damn.

Kids, enough. Leave the pineapple alone.

(Teddy and Warren grunting)

God, that is really giant.

Warren: Yeah, I got the biggest one.

So what do you think, partner?

Great. Really great.

(grunts)

And this is all just the tip of the iceberg.

I have two words for you, Bob: Mai-tai fries.

What?

They're like daiquiri fries but Mai tai.

It's the next big thing.

We'll talk about it later.

And here you go.

Aloha! ‭Aloha!

Aloha! ‭Aloha!

Eh, I will not get tired of this.

Nobody's gonna get tired of any of this stuff.

Pineapple: Aloha!

I'm freaky for tiki!

Pineapple: Aloha!

Bob: Oh, my God.

Back to the Future.

Mein Back.

Back to the Future II.

Men in Back II.

Guess Who's Back?

‭Yes!

Yes to which one?

Well, hers, 'cause it's a real movie, and it's the one I was thinking of.

Oh, that's how you play.

Our team wins.

‭And we lose.

Thanks for phoning it in, Dad.

Wow, that was great.

So this is what a real family does for fun, huh?

That was the first time we ever played charades.

We thought you wanted to do it.

Yeah, because you said, "Should we play charades now?"

Either way, good game, everyone, but I am beat. I got to hit the sack.

Good night, Bob's wonderful family.

Louise: Sweet dreams.

Tina: Sleep tight.

Bob and Linda: Good night.

Adios.

So, Bob, you've been a little quiet tonight.

Is everything okay?

Okay? Everything's great.

(Warren sings indistinctly)

My old friend is here.

He's singing in the bathroom.

Warren: ♪ Ooh, got a little pee on the seat ♪ ♪ But they'll never know it was me... ♪

He put $100,000 into our business, and he is "the guy," so it's all... it's all... it's good.

Oh. Good, good.

Hundred thousand dollars, Lin.

‭Yeah.

And the guy knows what he's doing.

‭Right.

Hundred thousand dollars.

Guy knows what he's doing.

You just said that.

Oh, good.

You heard it, too.

I'm gonna go to bed.

Everything's gonna be great.

Everything's great.

Great. Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great.

Great.

Well, the king of New Geneland has grown weary, so peace out.

You know, Gene, I thought I'd do you a favor and give you my room tonight.

Eh, I'll slum it out here.

Thanks, but no.

I want to watch TV after everyone goes to bed.

You should have thought of that before you said, "Not it!" Snap.

Come on, just trade me one night.

There's nothing in the world I'd trade for a night in New Geneland.

I'll give you my peanut that's shaped like a butt.

Deal, but for tomorrow night.

I've already got the Dutch oven set at the perfect temperature.

Fine.

♪ ♪

Okay, pineapple, do your job.

Bring people in.

Aloha!

‭No, I know.

That's what you say.

‭Aloha!

Right, I'm just gonna stop talking to you now.

Just work your island magic.

(bell jingles)

Aloha!

‭Whoa.

Well, aloha to you, too.

This is fun.

Hi, uh, table for four?

Yes, please.

Are you guys new?

No, we've actually been here a really long time.

Huh, we never noticed this place before, and then we saw all the tiki stuff, and we were like, "Oh, that looks like fun."

We are fun.

Yes, we are.

I'm gonna text Frank and tell him to bring everyone here.

Frank's gonna love this place.

So everything taste okay?

Super fun.

‭Oh.

Uh, people normally don't say things taste "fun," but as long as you're happy.

Frank, you good?

‭Mmm!

(bell jingles)

‭Aloha! ‭(laughs)

Another box?

‭Yep.

Warren sent me to get some Hawaiian shirts.

Hawaiian shirts?

Yeah, I think it's what the Hawaiian army wears.

Oh, this one's yours, Bob.

Huh, parrots. They're fun.

Ooh, you know what would go great with that shirt?

A real parrot.

‭Worth a shot.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Bob, are you doing okay?

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

You sure?

‭Yep. Yep.

Your face is a little scrunchie.

(door opens, bell jingles)

Pineapple: Aloha!

Hey, tiki theme. Nice.

I'd eat here. (chuckles)

You're finally doing something right, Bob.

Pulled your head out of your butt, you washed your hair, and everything's fine.

Warren, we need to talk.

I know what you're gonna say: "Where are the rest of the menus?"

The kids are helping with a little redesign.

These menus are going from laminated to "ka-blaminated."

Ugh. Warren, I want to give you your money back.

♪ ♪

What?!

I think he said, "Would you like a bowl of Honey Smacks?"

Yeah, 'cause that makes a lot more sense than "I want to give you your money back."

I'll take a bowl of Honey Smacks.

♪ ♪

I'm not taking the money back, Bob.

Yes, you are. You have to.

No, I don't, and you can't make me.

Well, that's checkmate, Dad.

You got to keep it.

Yeah, and also we should probably keep it.

(sighs) This was a bad idea.

I-I never should have taken it in the first place.

I don't want to have to answer to someone else.

Even if it's a friend.

Especially if it's a friend.

So please take it back.

You're making a lot of great points, but no, the answer's no.

Oh, and you're not making great points.

Well, I'm going to the bank to get you a cashier's check.

Well, I won't cash it.

Then I'll have the money wired to your account, Warren.

Then I'm gonna close all of my accounts, Bob.

Don't let him leave! Deploy menus!

Ow! Ow! Stop it. ‭(grunting)

Ow! Stop!

‭No!

Why are you so good at throwing menus?

What do you think we do all day?

So you want me to take the money from your account and wire it back to Mr. Fitzgerald?

Yes, please.

Just saying it out loud sounds like a bad idea, so no.

Wait, what? You-you have to.

I do not have to.

I don't have his account number or any idea who he banks with.

You have a copy of his check.

Well, not handy.

‭Ugh, forget it.

Just cut me a cashier's check made out to Warren Fitzgerald.

Okay, Bob.

You know best.

He said unconvincingly.

♪ ♪

(bell jingles)

‭Aloha!

‭Don't you dare.

Please tell me you didn't wire Warren's money back and ruin our futures.

Our already fragile futures.

Of course he didn't.

He wouldn't do that without discussing it with his wife, right, Bob?

They wouldn't let me wire the money.

Oh, thank God.

‭Oh, good. Good for them.

Oh, thank God.

‭So I got the cashier's check.

Son of a bitch!

Damn it!

I told you, Bob, I won't cash it.

Warren, you're taking your money back.

You are making a huge mistake.

Your business is just starting to click.

Look around.

I can't do this, Warren.

This? This isn't us.

This isn't who we are.

Not even the pineapple?

It kind of looks like Tina.

Huh, I see it.

Especially the pineapple!

So here, take the check.

No. ‭I'm putting it in your hand, Warren.

Close your hand.

‭I won't!

Take it!

And take all of your stupid tiki stuff.

It's not stupid, Bob. It's an entry point.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Linda: Oh! Oh!

Tiki's not stupid, it's fun.

Of course you'd say that.

You're stupid, too.

You're all stupid.

‭Hey.

Sorry, I didn't mean that, you're not... you're not stupid.

Thank you. But you didn't come here for the food, you came here for the tiny umbrellas and the talking pineapple.

I love that pineapple.

And that's a really dumb way to choose a place to have lunch!

Why are you throwing a tantrum, Tantrum O'Neil?!

Because I...

‭Hey.

Hate... tiki!

‭What...

(sighs) Well, tiki's... ‭(grunts) a great... idea!

Ow! You are taking this check if I have to shove it in your pocket myself.

Don't let him in there, Warren!

Tina: Turn your pockets inside out like a magician!

Warren: Hey!

Gene: Tiki tussle!

Uh, they're old friends.

They're-they're friends.

(slow-motion): Aloha!

Gene: No!

(Warren yells)

Okay, okay.

I'll take the check.

Good. Finally.

Rip, rip, rip, rip, rip, rip, rip.

Damn it!

You think you can just come in here and... change everything, just because you're a... huge success?!

No, I'm a success just because I have a lot of money, I drive a nice car, I recently got my pilot's license for the plane I bought.

That's what makes me a success!

Yes, you're the guy.

You were always the guy.

You were the leader. (grunts)

Bob, you were the guy.

What? Y-you thought I was the guy?

Dad was the Fonz?

(gasps) That makes Mom Pinky Tuscadero.

Yes, you were the leader.

We all wanted to be like you.

I mean, "we" was just me and that other kid who hung around with us that one summer, but still, and look at you now.

You built this place.

You're doing what you love.

You have something really special here, and I wanted to be a part of it.

To be like you.

And I tried to buy my way in.

I think you should be able to buy your way in.

Right? Am I... am I alone? Anyone?

Absolutely.

Yes.

No, I can't.

This was your baby, and I never should have tried to tap that.

Thanks, Warren.

Honestly, you don't need me or my money.

It's only a matter of time before this place takes off.

Well, I don't know about that, but maybe.

Probably not. Maybe.

Maybe? Of course we're gonna make it.

Eventually.

Someday. Right?

And you don't need a partner.

You already have one, and she's perfect for you.

Who? (gasps) Oh, me.

(Louise clears throat)

Warren: Yeah, all of you.

Having a family like this is worth way more than $100,000.

Probably $200,000.

$175,000 to $200,000.

Uh, I get it. We work well together.

I'm really sorry, Bob.

Thanks, pal.

Me-me, too.

Uh, and I'm sorry I dumped all over your tiki idea.

There's nothing wrong with tiki.

I would have hated any theme.

I'm a burger man, not a... this man.

Uh-huh, of course, of course.

What if it had been a space theme? ‭No.

Underwater? Submarines?

No, no, no, no.

Oh, bus-station bathroom!

Maximum-security prison!

Shoe store?

Shoe store theme!

But we'll sell burgers.

Oh, I'm gonna write these down.

Just in case. Be right back.

♪ ♪

Not only was I able to unload all that tiki stuff, I sold it for ten percent more than I paid for it.

Of course you did.

I just can't lose.

Great, so here's a second cashier's check.

Thanks, Bob.

Rip, rip, rip, rip.

‭No, no, no!

Just kidding.

I'm kidding. ‭(sighs)

Thanks for taking it back.

(Louise grunting)

Louise, stop trying to grab it.

You couldn't cash it anyway.

Don't tell me what I can't cash.

All right, kids, time for bed.

Say good night to Uncle Warren.

Good night!

‭Night!

Good night!

Good night, everybody.

It's all yours, Louise.

Finally.

Leave only footprints, take only memories.

Remember this, remember that, remember this.

Well, it's your last night here, Warren.

Anything you want to do?

Go grab a beer downstairs?

You got it.

Oh, not with you.

Oh, I thought... What?

Gotcha.

(chuckling): I can't wait for you to leave.

I think I'll check out what's on the tube before hitting the hay.

Where's the remote?

I hid it.

No TV, Louise.

‭What?!

Gene got to watch TV.

Well, yeah, he's the king of New Geneland.

What?!

‭Good night.

Warren: ♪ I love charades ♪ ♪ It's a fun game ♪ ♪ I could play all day ♪ ♪ He loves charades ♪ ♪ Oh, got a little pee on the seat ♪ ♪ Seat... ♪ ♪ Ooh, got a little pee on the seat ♪ ♪ But they'll never know ♪ ♪ They'll never know... ♪ ♪ Ooh, got a little pee on the seat ♪ ♪ But they'll never know it was me ♪ ♪ Never know it was you. ♪