The Parent Rap

(SINGING) Won't you marry me, Bill? I got the wedding gown bill. Because weddings are nice (GROANS) Let's never miss the school bus again. (Man on radio) That was The 5th Dimension with Weddings are Nice. You know what else is nice, Marty? What's that, Bill? The KBBL Prize Posse! Man: Damn dirty ape! (CHUCKLES) If our Wampum Wagon spots your KBBL Party Penguin, you'll win $40! (CASH REGISTER SOUNDING) Did you hear that, Pengy? $40! Hey! There's the Wampum Wagon! (GASPS) End of the line, boys! (HONKING) Look out, because it's zooming! If we're late for school, we'll miss our free federal breakfast! Big deal. It's just saltines and fig paste. Ew! Saltines! Hey, Cora. I heard science is working on a donut that actually burns off calories. How's that going? What? Never mind. Just refill this with jelly, will you? Thanks. You're an angel. What? Hey, check it out. Wiggum's cruiser. Wow! Tear gas, riot club, police hat. With rain baggy! Oh, man. That would really keep your head dry. Have you ever been in a police car? Not in the front. Hey, I just had this crazy idea! Really? What? What's this thing? "Miranda Rights Teleprompter." Check this out! (OVER SPEAKER) You there! Put your hands up! Me? Okay. Now, drop your pants. Yeah, but... But my hands are up. Hula out of them. All right, Officer. (HUMMING) (LAUGHING) (GROWLING VICIOUSLY) (SCREAMS) What the heck is going on out there? Officer Sniffy? Come in, Sniffy. Do you read me? It's me, Clancy. (SNARLING) No! Get away! Uh-oh. Hey, somebody's stealing my car! (Cora) What? (TIRES SCREECHING) Look out! Soup! Soup! (BOTH SCREAMING) That's why you young athletes are so promising. Now, who'd like to buy a trophy? (ALL EXCLAIMING) (GROANS) Finally, some recognition. All right. You two are under arrest for joyriding. You have the right to remain, um... Uh... Silent? That doesn't sound right. I love our court days. It's about the only thing we do as a family anymore. Hey, Karie. Hey, Lisa. Your Honor, please don't send my son to juvie. He's basically a good kid. He's just weak. Morally and in the upper body. Hmm. Please let me slip through the cracks. Well, you look like a good student, what with those glasses, and I suppose boys will be boys. Case dismissed. (CHUCKLES) Good old Judge Snyder. Next defendant, Bartholomew J. Simpson. Well, show time. Why, hello, Bart. Say, are those new shoes? Yes, they are, Roy. Judge Snyder? While we're young? Oh. Sorry. Oh, my. Looks like you were the ringleader in this car theft! And that's a felony! Yes, sir. On the other hand, I was young once. (SOFTLY) I'll bring the car around. And I suppose boys will be... (ALARM BEEPS) Oops. My vacation just started. All rise for the Honorable Judge Constance Harm. (GASPS) Uh-oh. Silence in my courtroom! Grand theft auto? It was an accident, ma'am. Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting. What did she say about cupcakes? According to this, your father was driving you to school? Then where was he when you stole the police car? Your Honor, I was chasing the KBBL Party Penguin Prize Patrol. You abandoned your son to win $40? And a Blue Oyster Cult medallion. Cool. And that was more important than keeping your son out of trouble? Your Honor, if I may sing a little bit of Don't Fear the Reaper, I think you'll agree that... I'm familiar with B.O.C. But you have got a boy here who is crying out for adult supervision! I couldn't agree more. Perhaps some sort of court-appointed babysitter or "au pair." Sorry, bub. That crow won't caw. It won't? I hereby order you to be tethered to your son! Tethered? Tethered. Report to room five. Room five? There we go. How's that? It's a little tight. (HEARTBEAT POUNDING) Sir, you are not a size four. I used to be. (SOBBING) This punishment is so cruel. And unusual. Can that judge do this to us? Creative sentencing is common these days. That's why Bill Clinton is our new mailman. (GRUNTING) Dang magazines. Well, maybe it'll be fun. You'll get to spend more time together. Make sure your father takes his mood medication. I'll medicate you... Honey. You know, this could be fun. Race you to the kitchen, my little tether ball. You're on, Rope-a-Dope! (BOTH LAUGHING) Today we're going to talk about predicates and predicate nominatives. Homer: Boring! Mr. Simpson, I'm trying to teach. Come on. These kids are never gonna use that stuff. Will you please just go back to sleep? Fine. (SNORING LOUDLY) (STARTLES) All right, now, who can pick out the predicate in this sentence? (HOMER SHOUTING) What's wrong with him now, Bart? Night terrors, ma'am. Cobras! Okay, Son, concentrate. Shut out everything but the sound of my criticism. Swing! (KIDS CHEERING) Hey, hey! Run, Bart! Pump your thighs! Pump them! Hurry up, Dad! I'm with you, Son. (MUFFLED GROANING) Safe! Wow. My first home run. That's my boy. (EXCLAIMS) Come on, hug me. (SNORING) (SCREAMS) Cobras! Cobras! I thought I would hate working nights, but it's so peaceful. And there's no one here to squeal on me for shooting mice. Can I ask you something, Dad? Sure, boy. The town keeps getting bigger. Will there always be enough electricity? (CHUCKLING) Oh, Son, you know that's none of your business. Say, is that our house? Uh, I don't think our house has a steeple. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I forget things sometimes. Really? You like skateboards? Mmm-hmm. We're sure learning a lot about each other. Yeah. This tether has some pluses. (BOTH GROANING) My head! I need a beer. (EXCLAIMING) I hit my head, Moe. One beer, coming up. Hey, hey, no kids in the bar! Since when? The heat's been on since them Bush girls were in here. All right, all right. Come on, Bart. I'm cold and scared. That's my little slugger. Come on, Dad. Let's go. Hey, knock it off! These pants cost $600. Really? Yeah. They're ltalian. All right, hand them over. Moe, what the... Yeah, I rob now. (Kent) There's a new judge in town with a hard-nosed approach to juvenile crime. Punish the parents. It's about time. Oh. Kids are running wild, Kent. And I blame Mr. and Mrs. Neverspank. Uh-oh. We'll have to bleep their names. You'll bleep nothing. Parents, it's time to take control. If you can't cope, you'll wear the rope. Well, you can tell she's never had kids. Look how high and firm her breasts are. Granted. But you gotta admit, constant supervision has been good for Bart. He might even make the honor roll, if Dad can control his night terrors. Well, that's a pretty big if, honey. Come on, Dad. I gotta go to the bathroom. I just got comfortable. Use the bottle. No! I don't want you going in a bottle. That's what hobos do. Come on, Homer. No. Mom! Oh, geez. Homer, just take him to the bathroom. Fine! I don't know why we even have a bottle! Somebody tell me! Would you mind? I'm trying to do my homework. Son, it's a little chilly. Maybe you should wrap a blanket around your head. Homie, no. We can't. What's the... What's the big deal? He sees a thousand times worse on that Animal Channel! I don't want him to see us... Expressing our love. Why not? Kids are very visual these days! No! But... The lady said no. Hey, shut up. You shut up. Ow! Why, you... (GROANS) What'd you do that for? Because I... Ow! You... Ow! (GROANS) Ah! Ow! Oh, yeah? I'm sleeping in the bathtub. Why, you little... Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! That really hurt. I can't take it anymore! (BOTH SCREAMING) Mom, you cut the tether. We're free! Your mother set us free! Woo-hoo! WOMAN'S VOICE: Don't celebrate too much. Hey, what... Who said that? That's right. It's me, Judge Harm, through the magic of fiber optics. Hey, how about that? Quiet, Tubsy! You violated my order. But Constance, it only happened because... Hey, hey, if I want a cock and bull story, I'll read Hemingway. Don't be mad at Homer. I was the one who cut the rope. Are you threatening me with that knife? No! Wait. I'm to blame, Judge. You see, I was pressuring my wife to make love in front of our son, you're gonna laugh when you hear this, when suddenly... (GROWLING) Well, I thought Dad was the problem, but apparently Mom is no prize pig herself. It's a miracle poor Bartholomew isn't robbing banks and chasing sweet Lady H. I'm a latchkey kid. You are not! Quiet, little girl! You two need to wake up and smell the java, and the first step is to admit that you're bad parents. I admit it. Homer, no. We're not bad parents. Yes, you are! Just say it! No, I won't! And frankly, Judge, I think you're a bully! You do, huh? You're so busy thinking up crazy ways to punish people, you can't see how much I love my kids. Your Honor, I'd like to be tried separately. I don't mean to be disrespectful, Judge Harm, but we are not bad parents, and there isn't a tether in this world with enough fiber optics to make me say we are. Hmm. She's such a butthole. (MARGE GRUNTING) Sorry! Just... Just let me get... Ow! Damn it! Poor Mom and Dad. Do you think it's fair that you're always getting into trouble yet Mom and Dad are being punished? No, it's terrible. Well, why don't you do something about it? After wrestling. Ladies and gentlemen, I don't believe what I am seeing. Doctor Bonebreak just married Rumble-lina, and they're already whaling on each other! When are you gonna start taking responsibility for your actions? 'Cause I felt like it. You're not even listening. I know you are, but what am I? Haven't we been humiliated enough? Not yet, no. Today the judge wants you to bend over so people can spank you from their cars. Well, that explains the sign. Yeah! Ooh! Here comes a car. Yarr, ye scurvy dogs! Ow! Ow! Worst parents ever! Ha-ha! Hey! No extension cords! You know, we could get out of these stupid things if you'd just tell the judge you're a bad mother. And you don't even have to say "bad." It could be "negligent" or "unfit" or "drugged up." I just can't do that, Homer. It's a matter of principle, and I need you to support me in this. You're right. It's time to stand up to that firm-breasted judge. But first, we've gotta break out of these stocks. (SAWING) Easy. Easy. I want goggles, too! Shh! You'll wake up Flanders. (EXCLAIMS) What the... (MARGE SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) Hey, Marge, surf's up! You're using my table saw to violate a court order? Well, we tried all those other tools. Gee, I always like to help you, Homer, but I don't want to be an accessory to some sort of shady doings. And it does raise a whole host of ethical questions, such as... Woo-hoo! (SIGHS) Now, time for "Operation Judge-Get-Back-At." If that costume shop knew we were using these burglar outfits for real, they'd be furious. Okay. She lives at 1 Ocean View Drive. Let's start skulking. (HOMER HUMMING) (GASPS) Oh. It's only the milkman. Hey, maybe I should be a milkman! Concentrate, Homer. This address must be wrong. No! No, there it is! She lives in a houseboat? Wow! She is so cool! We hate her, Homer. I know. I know. Fight the power. Let's do this thing. (POLICE SIREN WAILS) Cops! Ain't that sweet, Chief? It sure is, Lou. Those two longshoremen found love. Let's go. (SHUSHING) Look at her in there, washing her body. Get away from that window and help me with this banner. (GIGGLES) I hate to call a judge dirty names, but there's only one way to describe a nasty super witch like her. Let's get out of here! It's just a friendly seal. (BARKING) Shh. No, we can't play now. (BARKING LOUDER) Shut up! (BOTH GASP) What is it, Pancho? Is someone out there? (BARKING) You can't hide from me. She's gonna find us! Oh, Lord, guide this cinder block. Homer, no! (SCREAMS) Homer: Oh-oh. My house! (GROWLING) Hey, how you doing? That quilt was made by my grandmother! So... It cost you nothing. Shut up! You two are not only horrible parents, you're violent criminals, and I'm going to lock you up until frogs do fractions. Your Honor, may I say something? Well, it is highly unorthodox. So, no! Please, Your Honor? Oh, I can't resist that look. You remind me of me when I was a little boy. Your Honor, it's not easy being my parents. I'm always screwing up in school and getting in trouble with the law. But if I grow up to be a halfway-decent person, I know it'll be because of my mom and dad. Everyone else might give up on me, but my parents never will. (SNIFFS) That's my brother. Um... Did she say she used to be a dude? So, Your Honor, if you're going to punish anyone in this courtroom today, I ask that you punish me. Okay, I will! Bartholomew Simpson, I hereby sentence you to five years in juvenile hall! (BOTH GASPING) Well, I'm back from vacation. But I was just about to bang my gavel, making the sentence official. Sorry, I've already put my clown down. But I was just going to... The clown is down. (EXCLAIMS) Judge Snyder, motion to declare a writ of boys will be boys. Motion granted. Case dismissed! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Marge: All right, we got lucky that time, but I want everyone in this family to raise your hand and promise not to break the law for one full year. We promise. We promise. (GASPS) (TIRES SCREECHING) (SIGHS) That was close. Please drive off me. What's that noise? Uh... Just the radio, dear. (SINGING) Dang me, dang me They ought to take a rope and hang me. High from the highest tree. Woman, would you weep for me (DON'T FEAR THE REAPER PLAYING) All our times have come. Here but now they're gone. Seasons don't fear the reaper. Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain. We can be like they are. Come on, baby. Don't fear the reaper. Baby, take my hand. Don't fear the reaper Homer: Cobras!