Frannie 911

♪ GOOD MORNING, U.S.A. ♪ ♪ I GOT A FEELING THAT IT'S GONNA BE A WONDERFUL DAY ♪ ♪ THE SUN IN THE SKY HAS A SMILE ON HIS FACE ♪ ♪ AND HE'S SHINING A SALUTE TO THE AMERICAN RACE ♪ ♪ OH, BOY IT'S SWELL TO SAY ♪ ♪ GOOD MORNING, U.S.A. ♪ [ Chorus ] ♪ GOOD MORNING, U.S.A. ♪♪ GOD, WHAT WAS I THINKING? I DON'T WANNA BE AN ORGAN DONOR. PEOPLE OUT THERE JUST ROOTING FOR ME TO DIE. [ Grunting ] STEVE, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL AFTERNOON. SHOULDN'T YOU BE OUTSIDE WITH YOUR FRIENDS... TURNING MY TOOLSHED INTO MORDOR... OR ENDOR OR... SOMETHING HEARTBREAKING? I'VE GIVEN UP THAT DORKY PASTIME AND DECIDED TO FOLLOW MY TRUE PASSION: BACK-UP DANCING. LOOK, I'M GOOD, BUT I DON'T PULL FOCUS. WORK IT, DAD. YOU'RE THE STAR. THRUST IT! UH! THRUST IT! UH! THRUST IT! THEN HIDE THE REVEAL. WE REALLY SHOULD HAVE SPACED OUT YOUR VACCINATIONS. WHAT THE-- AND MY TURKISH BATH. - HAVE A FIG. - YOU ARE SO DEAD! [ Screams ] HOLD ON. [ Screaming ] YOU DESTROYED MY STUDY! YOU BARGED IN TO MY SAUNA. YOU KNOW HOW STRESSFUL THAT IS? I HAD JUST UNCLENCHED MY ***. MY SANCTUARY IS RUINED! YOU ARE THE MOST SELFISH THING I'VE EVER MET. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I OFFERED YOU A FIG. I OFFERED HIM A FIG, FRANCINE. IS THAT TRUE, STAN? DID HE OFFER YOU A FIG? BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF SELFISH. THAT SOUNDS NUTRITIOUS. ALL YOU EVER DO IS DEFEND HIM! PLEASE. YOU'RE ALWAYS DOING IT. ROGER PAINTED ME IN MY SLEEP! MY CANVAS IS LIFE. I'M AN ARTIST! LEAVE HIM ALONE, HONEY. HE'S AN ARTIST. ROGER STUCK A SYRINGE IN MY CHEST. I WAS PLAYING PULP FICTION. THE *** WAS O.D.'ING ON ME AND I GAVE HER A SHOT IN THE HEART. LEAVE HIM ALONE, STAN. HE THOUGHT YOU WERE AN O.D.'ING ***. HE TOOK MY HAIR! LEAVE HIM ALONE, HONEY. YOU TOOK HIS LAND. YOU HAVE TO STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM. YOU'RE AN ENABLER. I AM NOT. HE'S AN ALIEN. HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HOW THINGS WORK HERE. HE'S BEEN ON THIS PLANET FOR 60 YEARS. HE KNEW STOCKARD CHANNING WHEN SHE WAS IN HER LATE 40s. NO, I KNEW STOCKARD CHANNING IN THE LATE '40s. SHE WAS 50. GOD, I'M SICK OF YOU! FRANCINE, IF YOU WANNA DEAL WITH ROGER, BE MY GUEST, BUT I AM THROUGH WITH HIM. WELL, YOU'RE DEAD TO ME TOO! YOU HEAR ME? I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK! HE HATES ME! [ Sobbing ] OH, ROGER, NO HE DOESN'T. OH, PLEASE DON'T CRY. ♪ I SEE THE MOON THE MOON SEES ME ♪ HE... DOESN'T... CARE... IF... I... LIVE... OR... DIE! [ Sobs ] I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF! I'M GONNA GO TO EUROPE AND THROW MYSELF IN THE BALTIC SEA! ROGER, PLEASE, DON'T TALK LIKE THAT. REALLY? HOW? DON'T WORRY. I'LL COME UP WITH A PLAN. YES, A PLAN. I WAS GONNA SAY, "LET'S JUST LET STUFF HAPPEN." BUT, YES, A PLAN. WAIT. WHERE YOU GOING? CAN I COME WITH? WILL YOU CARRY ME? I'M SAD! OKAY, OKAY. [ Grunts ] YOU'RE A BIG BOY. [ Straining ] [ Crash ] [ Roger ] I LIKE BEING CARRIED. HEY, KLAUS. CHECK IT OUT. MY DAD IS GONNA HIT THE ROOF. OH, A TEMPORARY HENNA TATTOO. HOW DARING. WHAT'S NEXT? YOU GONNA BAKE COOKIES AT 351 DEGREES? LIKE YOU'RE SO DARING. YOU WON'T EVEN GO INTO THE DEEP END OF YOUR OWN BOWL. OH, REALLY? MAYBE WE SHOULD SETTLE THIS WITH A GAME OF TRUTH OR DARE? HOW ABOUT I PUNCH YOU IN THE BLEEPIN' FACE? SEE WHAT I DID THERE? I BLEEPED MYSELF. I TOOK THE JOY AWAY FROM THE CENSORS. YEAH, I'LL PLAY YOUR GAME OF DARES, LITTLE GIRL. I'M A BLEEPIN' FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH! OKAY, I'LL GO FIRST. I DARE YOU TO KISS ME. ALL MY NANCY DREWS RUINED! NOW I'LL NEVER KNOW HOW THAT GHOST LEFT FOOTPRINTS! HELLO? WHAT? WHO IS THIS? YEAH, RIGHT. IF YOU HAVE ROGER, THEN WHERE'D YOU *** HIM FROM? [ Gasps ] YOU SAVAGES! [ Distorted ] IF YOU WANNA SEE ROGER AGAIN, [ Normal Voice ] BRING $1,000 TO THE ABANDONED ICE FACTORY... IN LANCETON BY 6:00 P.M... [ Distorted ] OR WE CUT HIM IN HALF. [ Gasps ] WELL, WHAT DID HE SAY? IS HE WORRIED? OH, THIS IS GREAT! AND WHAT A LOCATION FOR A KIDNAPPING. IF I WERE WRITING A PLAY-- WHICH I AM, BUT NOT ABOUT KIDNAPPING-- I'D SET IT HERE. INTERIOR: LANCETON ICE FACTORY. MAGIC HOUR. OOH. AND MAYBE THE CALL OF A LONE CROW... CAN ECHO IN THE DISTANCE. MAYBE. MAYBE THAT COULD BE IN YOUR PLAY. NOW HURRY AND TIE ME UP. HE'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE. [ Panting ] I HOPE I'M NOT TOO LATE. PLEASE DON'T HURT HIM. ONE FOR PLEASE DON'T HURT HIM! 8.50? IN THE NEWSPAPER IT SAYS 5.50. THAT'S WHEN THE MOVIE STARTS, SIR. THAT'S WHY YOU SHOWED UP AT 5:50. FEEL GOOD? FEEL LIKE A BIG MAN? WHERE IS HE? STAN SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE WITH THE RANSOM HOURS AGO. MAYBE HE'S LOST. OF COURSE HE'S LOST. LANCETON? THIS PLACE IS BARELY ON THE MAP. LANCETON MAKES IDLEDALE LOOK LIKE WEST HEMETBURG. LOOK, JUST CALM DOWN. I'LL GO HOME AND TRY TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED. OKAY. UM, UH, WELL, I HAVE A BAGGY OF GRAPES IN MY PURSE. OH. WERE YOU EVER GONNA TELL ME ABOUT THE GRAPES? YOU SEE WHY THIS ISN'T WORKING, RIGHT? FEED THEM TO ME! I DON'T LIKE GRAPES. COME ON. I DARE YOU. YOU HAVE BEEN DARED. [ Inhales ] OH, MY GOD. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT. NOW YOU MUST RELY SOLELY ON YOUR EYELASH FOR PROTECTION FROM DEBRIS. JUST WATCHING COMMERCIALS. TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH TRUCK IS THE MOST RUGGED. UH-HUH. HEY, I HAVEN'T SEEN ROGER ALL DAY. HAVE YOU? OH, YOU JUST MISSED HIM. HE SAID HE'S GOING TO A BACHELOR PARTY IN NAPA. YEAH. ROGER'S AT A BACHELOR PARTY IN NAPA? WHO'S GETTING MARRIED? [ Gasps ] [ Thinking ] I KNOW HE'S LYING, BUT I CAN'T CALL HIM ON IT. 'CAUSE IF I SAY, "HE'S NOT IN NAPA. HE'S AT THE ICE FACTORY," HE'LL SAY, "HOW DO YOU KNOW?" AND I'LL BE LIKE, "OOH." OH, GOD. HE'S LOOKING AT ME. SAY SOMETHING. THAT WASN'T SAYING SOMETHING. THAT WAS DOING SOMETHING. CLAPPING! [ Thinking ] ATTAGIRL. [ Phone Ringing ] [ Distorted Voice ] WHY DIDN'T YOU SHOW UP? - AMANDA? - [ Normal Voice ] AMANDA? NO, THIS IS THE KIDNAPPERS. [ Distorted ] WHO'S AMANDA? A WORK FRIEND? LOOK, I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO KILL ROGER, BUT A THOUSAND BUCKS, THAT'S A LITTLE STEEP. [ Normal Voice ] NO, WE DIDN'T KILL HIM... YET. BUT WE HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. TIMES ARE TOUGH. SO LET'S SAY-- WHAT-- A HUNDRED DOLLARS? FORTY DOLLARS. I DON'T KNOW. [ Distorted ] LOOK, JUST BRING US WHATEVER YOU HAVE IN YOUR CHANGE JAR. - OKAY, I GUESS. - [ Normal Voice ] THAT'S RIGHT, YOU GUESS. [ Distorted ] GET HERE BY MIDNIGHT, OR WE CUT OFF HIS HEAD. FRANCINE, WHERE'S OUR CHANGE JAR? FOR WHAT? YOU CALLED IT "OUR" CHANGE JAR. I GUESS WE'RE REALLY IN THIS FOR THE LONG HAUL. [ Train Horn Blowing ] HE COULDN'T GET THE MONEY TOGETHER, SO I LOWERED THE PRICE. WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE. YOU SET THE PRICE TOO HIGH. OF COURSE IT'S HARD FOR HIM WITH YOU NOT WORKING-- NOT CONTRIBUTING. O-KAY. I CAN'T WAIT FOR STAN TO RIDE IN HERE LIKE A WHITE KNIGHT... AND HUG ME AND GIVE ME HUGS. WELL, IN THE MEANTIME, I BROUGHT YOU YOUR TACOS. OH, THANK GOD. I AM STARVING. THIS IS TACO BARN. I SAID TACO KING. AREN'T THEY THE SAME THING? ANYWAY, STAN'S COMING, SO-- I'M SORRY. I JUST HAVE TO ASK, HAVE I COMMITTED SOME CRIME? DID I CLEAN MY TOILET WITH A WASHCLOTH AND THEN JAM IT INTO YOUR MOTHER'S MOUTH? 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME! [ Grunts ] OKAY, THAT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT. NO, IT WASN'T! OH, HOW DID I END UP HERE? STUCK IN AN OLD ICE FACTORY IN MY LEAST FAVORITE WIG, ALL PART OF SOME DIZZY BLONDE'S JOYRIDE. [ Sobs ] DON'T CRY, ROGER. ♪ I SEE THE MOON THE MOON SEES-- ♪ NO, I HATE IT HERE! IT'S DRAFTY! [ Sobs ] [ Sobs ] ROGER, PLEASE CALM DOWN. LOOK. WHAT IF I TAKE YOU TO A MOTEL? A MOTEL? YOU THINK I'M A ***, BUT I'M NOT! OKAY, OKAY! HOW ABOUT THE FOUR SEASONS? [ Grunts ] I'M GONNA HOLD ONTO YOUR HAIR FOR SAFETY. STAN, HOW COME YOU ASKED WHERE THE CHANGE JAR WAS LAST NIGHT? I KNEW I WAS GONNA BE BARBECUING TODAY, AND I DIDN'T WANT THE NAPKINS FLYING ALL OVER THE YARD. I MISS ROGER. DON'T YOU MISS ROGER? - NOPE. - WELL, MAYBE YOU DON'T MISS HIM NOW, BUT SOMETIMES THE THINGS WE TAKE FOR GRANTED DISAPPEAR... AND WE CAN NEVER GET THEM BACK. [ Camera Shutter Snaps ] GOT IT, HAYLEY. I DID IT! WHO? - ROGER! - OH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU. ROGER CALLED AND SAID HIS PEOPLE CAME BACK FOR HIM. ROGER CALLED AND SAID HIS PEOPLE CAME BACK FOR HIM? ROGER'S GOING BACK TO HIS PLANET? YES, BUT HE SAID IF WE WENT UP ON THE ROOF, HE'D FLY OVER AND SEND US A GOOD-BYE MESSAGE. OF COURSE YOU'LL HAVE TO WEAR THIS. I HAVE THESE TONGS. OOH! OOH! I'M GETTING A MESSAGE. QUICK, WAVE! HE WANTS US TO WAVE. UH-- I GUESS PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING HE'S SAYING TO YOU. NO, HE SAID EVERYONE WOULD GET THEIR OWN PERSONAL MESSAGE. UM-- I-I, UH-- I THINK-- IS HE SAYING WE HAVE CALLER I.D.? IS HE SAYING NEXT TIME YOU KIDNAP ROGER, DON'T USE YOUR CELL PHONE? IS THAT HIS MESSAGE? - YOU KNEW THE WHOLE TIME? - OF COURSE. OH, STAN, IT'S BEEN AWFUL. I JUST WANTED TO SHOW HIM YOU CARED. BUT IT TURNED INTO A NIGHTMARE! ROGER'S A SELFISH, INCONSIDERATE BEAST! [ Crying ] LOOK AT THIS. IT'S TACO! HE DID THIS TO ME. HE WAS SCREAMING, SPITTING GRAPES. HE EVEN MADE ME BUY HIM A YORKIE, AND THEN TAKE IT BACK WHEN IT WOULDN'T DANCE FOR HIM! BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE CAN GET AWAY WITH IT. YOU WANT HIM TO STOP BEING A BRAT, YOU HAVE TO STOP ENABLING HIM. GET TOUGH. YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG. HEY, LOOK. I'VE BEEN UP HERE BACKGROUND DANCING... TO YOUR CONVERSATION THE ENTIRE TIME. AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE. I AM AWESOME! OOH. [ Screaming ] THERE IS, BUT SHE'S FAT. [ Knocks ] PUT THE BUCKET OF CLAMS IN THE CORNER. I'M NOT READY FOR 'EM YET. AND THAT SMEAR ON THE SHEETS IS A PEPPERMINT PATTY. IT WAS HERE WHEN I GOT HERE. OH, IT'S YOU. WHAT? OH, MY GOD! FRANCINE, WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME? I'M GONNA THROW THIS SEA BASS ON YOUR SHOES. THERE. NOW YOUR SHOES STINK AS BAD AS YOUR IDEAS! [ Laughs ] [ Gasps ] YOU-- YOU STRUCK ME WITH A BASS. THAT'S RIGHT, BECAUSE YOU'RE A SPOILED BRAT! YOU WHINE AND YOU COMPLAIN AND YOU WALK ALL OVER ME! BUT NO MORE. I'M DONE! [ Sobs ] GO AHEAD, CRY. I'M NOT ENABLING YOU ANYMORE. ♪ I SEE THE MOON THE MOON SEES ME ♪ ♪ THE MOON SEES THE-- ♪♪ [ Muttering ] I DON'T KNOW. YES. YOU WANNA KNOW WHY STAN DIDN'T SHOW UP? BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T LIKE YOU EITHER. NO, I DON'T. AND IF YOU WANNA WIN BACK MY LOVE AND BE PART OF THIS FAMILY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE-- YOU HAVE TO BE NICE. I CAN'T BE NICE ALL THE TIME. IT'S NOT IN MY NATURE. THEN I'M SORRY, ROGER, BUT THIS IS GOOD-BYE. [ Door Opens, Closes ] NO! DON'T GO! I'LL DO ANYTHING. [ Sobs ] ARE YOU SURE? YOU'RE REALLY READY? YES, YES. I'M READY TO QUIT DRINKING. OH, THANK GOD. [ Doorbell Chimes ] GOOD, YOU'RE HERE. THERE'S SOMEONE I WANT YOU TO MEET. SAY HELLO TO A WELL-BEHAVED FELLOW WHO'S VERY SORRY. I'M VERY SORRY. I KNOW I'VE BEEN A REAL PAIN, BUT I'M GONNA BE SUPER NICE FROM NOW ON. POUR VOUS. YOU SHOULD KEEP IT IN YOUR STUDY. IT'S NICE AND HUMID IN THERE FROM ALL THE STEAM. I'M VERY SORRY. [ Klaus ] SAY IT. YOU HAVE TO SAY IT! [ Hayley ] HELP! RACCOONS TOOK MY ***! OOP. ALLOW ME, MY DEAR. OH. THANK YOU, ROGER. WHY, YOU HAVE FANTASTIC POSTURE. A TRULY PRESIDENTIAL CARRIAGE. STAN. I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S GONNA TAKE MORE THAN A FEW ACCURATE OBSERVATIONS... ABOUT MY STUNNING HANDSOMENESS TO CONVINCE ME THAT ROGER'S CHANGED. [ Panting ] [ Grunting ] WELL, ROGER, TELL STEVE WHAT YOU THINK. WOW! YOU WERE REALLY... GOOD. [ Groans ] WOW. IT'S SO BRIGHT AND CHEERY IN HERE. [ Cawing ] THEY'VE BEEN DOING THAT ALL MORNING. WHEN I GET FOUR AND 20 OF 'EM, I'M GONNA BAKE 'EM INTO A PIE. SEE? I TOLD YOU IT WOULDN'T KILL YOU TO BE NICE. [ Groans ] [ Man ] ♪ TIME FOR ♪ ♪ A COOL CHANGE ♪ ♪ I KNOW THAT IT'S TIME ♪ ♪ FOR A COOL CHANGE ♪ ♪ NOW THAT MY LIFE ♪ ♪ IS SO PREARRANGED ♪ ♪ I KNOW THAT IT'S TIME ♪ ♪ FOR A COOL, COOL CHANGE ♪ ♪ IT'S TIME FOR ♪ ♪ FOR A COOL CHANGE ♪♪ I'VE GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU, FRANCINE. YOU TOTALLY TURNED ROGER AROUND. HE JUST MADE ME LAUGH FOR 10 MINUTES STRAIGHT. AND WHEN I'D HAD ENOUGH, HE STOPPED. A LITTLE TOUGH LOVE TURNED OUT TO BE JUST WHAT HE NEEDED. - WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING NICE FOR HIM. - LET'S GET HIM A KAYAK. THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. WHERE IS ROGER? LET'S GO TELL HIM WE'RE THINKING ABOUT GETTING HIM A KAYAK. I SAW HIM GO INTO YOUR STUDY WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER AND A WATERMELON. THERE'S GOTTA BE AN EXPLANATION. DO YOU SEE A GALLAGHER TREE, FRANCINE? ROGER'S BACK TO HIS OLD WAYS. I AM LIVID, FRANCINE! NOW I KNOW HOW BEARS FEEL. ROGER, YOU SON OF A-- SURPRISE. YOUR STUDY'S REBORN. OH, MY GOD, ROGER. THANK YOU. THIS IS THE NICEST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE. [ Weakly ] PLEASE NOTE THE FRUIT BOUQUET. ESCAPE INTO THE TASTE OF SUMMER. [ Screams ] [ Moaning ] [ Labored Breathing ] I WAS NICE IN THE END. YOU'LL REMEMBER THAT. SHH. SAVE YOUR STRENGTH. [ Moans ] ROGER, YOU CAN'T DIE! ROGER, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? WHAT HAPPENED... TO YOU? OH, KLAUS DARED ME TO DRESS LIKE CAPTAIN STUBING FOR 14 MONTHS. AND SHE DARED ME TO CONGEAL MYSELF IN JELL-O. WOW. THAT IS REALLY STUPID. REALLY, REALLY STUPID. [ Gasps ] LOOK, THE FLOWER! WHEN ROGER'S A JERK, THE FLOWER PERKS UP. ROGER, IS BEING NICE KILLING YOU? MY PEOPLE... NEED TO LET OUR BITCHINESS OUT. OTHERWISE, IT TURNS TO BILE AND POISONS US. WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING? 'CAUSE YOU ALL LIKED ME THIS WAY. [ Sighs ] I WAS FINALLY MAKING YOU PROUD, FRANCINE. YES. ROGER, PLEASE, BE MEAN. IF YOU HAVE TO BE A JERK TO LIVE, THEN COME ON. GIVE US ALL YOU GOT. YES, ROGER, WE'RE SURE. OKAY. SEND ME STEVE. DANCE FOR ME. [ Grunting ] OKAY. OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH. I'VE GOT WHAT I NEED. YOU ARE TERRIBLE. YOU'VE GOT NO RHYTHM, NO COORDINATION. I'VE-- I'VE SEEN TWO EPILEPTICS... SHARE A BOWL OF NOODLES WITH MORE GRACE. IF YOUR GOAL WAS TO INSPIRE A FEELING OF DESPAIR, THE LIKES OF WHICH HASN'T BEEN FELT SINCE WHOOPI HOSTED THE OSCARS, THEN BRAVO! OKAY, I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH, ROGER. HONEY, NO. IT'S GOOD FOR THE BOTH OF THEM. I CAN ENVISION MILLIONS OF AMERICANS RISING UP AS ONE AND DEMANDING LEGISLATION... THAT WOULD REQUIRE YOUR LEGS TO BE AMPUTATED, BURNED AND BURIED NEXT TO HITLER. IN SHORT, YOU SUCK. OH, YEAH, THAT'S THE STUFF! OH, ROGER, YOU'RE BACK! AND YOU'RE STARTING TO GET LUNCH-LADY ARMS. WHAT AN UGLY THING TO SAY. I NEVER SHOULD HAVE TRIED TO CHANGE YOU. AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TRIED TO CHANGE MYSELF EITHER. I'M AN ENABLER. THAT'S JUST WHO I AM. YEAH, KIND OF LIKE HOW STAN IS A GIANT *** BAG. - HEY, TAKE THAT BACK! - DON'T HAVE TO! THAT'S NOT WHO I AM! WAIT. WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU SAID YOU WERE AN ENABLER. OH, I AM. AND I'LL BE YOUR ENABLER AS SOON AS STAN FINISHES BEING WHO HE IS-- THE GUY WHO BEATS THE CRAP OUT OF YOU WHEN YOU DESERVE IT. [ Screams ] DAMN IT. WHY IS THIS DOOR LOCKED? FRANCINE! IS THIS FOR THE TACO ON THE DRESS? FRANCINE, OPEN THE DOOR, YOU ***! OH, HI, STAN. THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HERE. THIS DOOR IS STUCK. [ Banging ] [ Banging ] [ Banging ] BYE. HAVE A BEAUTIFUL TIME.