Chapter Forty-Seven

Latin lover narrator: Okay, so we ended on quite a cliffhanger.

I know you all can't wait to find out how Jane's novel is coming.

Jane: It's a love a story loosely based on my grandparents.

Latin lover narrator: She had to throw her energy into something, because she and Michael weren't allowed to have s*x yet.

See, after these lovebirds tied the knot, that very night, Michael got shot.

Somebody, help!

Latin lover narrator: I know!

These two have be through a lot.

It was my partner... Susanna Barnett.

Latin lover narrator: Oh, and Susanna was Rose, to thicken the plot.

I'm giddy! I'm rhyming because it's about to get hot!

What's going on?

Latin lover narrator: I know. Straight out of a Telenovela, right?

Well, imagine this. Jane's father had dreams of bringing his telenovelas to America.

And that's enough foreplay, people.

Let's get down to business.

(Michael and Jane moaning)

Jane: A little lower.

Michael: (grunts) There?

Jane: No. Uh, there.

Latin lover narrator: Ah, yes. Couldn't have you miss this moment.

Michael: Uh, it's too big! It won't fit!

Latin lover narrator: They were doing it! It was happening!

Jane: Come on, be gentle with my box.

Latin lover narrator: Jane and Michael were finally moving into their own home!

And you have dirty minds, all of you.

Seriously, do you really need all this stuff?

It's me, my history, who I am.

We are not putting this up.

I know, but I can't throw it away.

Face it, you married a girl with a lot of baggage.

I love you... and your baggage.

Michael: Stop, stop.

Two more weeks the doctor said.

Ooh!

Easier to do when we were living at home with my grandma.

Talking about your grandmother helps. Keep doing that.

We'll just... keep busy.

There's so much to do around here.

Carpet installation, furniture delivery.

We'll whip the house into shape.

What?

We're finally living together.

Oh. We're finally living together.

I am interviewing my grandma for my thesis.

We'll do the interviews here.

Yes, good, we're gonna need your grandmother around as much as possible.

Don't worry. We won't have a moment alone.

Latin lover narrator: Which seemed like a good enough plan until...

Jane: We can have s*x?

You can wait if you'd prefer.

No! No, thank you.

No! We're good.

Jane: Okay, cancel the phone company, furniture's not for another hour, Internet's after.

Trust me, it's not gonna take long.

Run! Run!

Michael: Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

I just can't believe this is actually happening.

I know. Me, either.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR Me, neither. What?

Oh, come on!

Dad, you weren't supposed to be here until 2:00.

No.

The movers are coming at 2:00.

My Tiago team needs to measure and prep first.

Go! Go! Go!

Whoa!

Oh.

This is gonna be a big job.

The shed?

I am not having s*x for the first time in a shed.

Hey, our neighbor, two doors down, Airbnbs his place.

75 bucks. Worth every penny.

They'll be done in 45 minutes, I'm canceling the Internet, and there'll be a window before your physical therapy and my interview with my grandma.

Mm.

Where do you want this?

Aah! I don't.

Please. Put it back in the truck.

Okay, Mr. De La Vega, that's the last of it.

Rogelio: Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you, sir.

(sighs)

Surprise! We're here!

Oh.

Oh, you didn't have to.

Oh. Wow.

Of course we did! You moved in!

Also, I need you to help me pick a dress for my Voice audition. I'm freaking out!

Mom, right now isn't actually the...

(phone vibrating)

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

My agent is calling.

A major network has my television formats.

They might make Tiago in English.

Give me good news, Barry.

Oh.

I see. We'll keep trying.

Apparently, they said it sounds like Quantum Leap... only it makes less sense.

Hey, it's okay.

They just didn't get it.

I know.

It's just, rejection is so hard.

And I'm not equipped to deal with it since it happens so infrequently.

Latin lover narrator: And friends, that's when Michael and Jane officially saw their window of opportunity shut.

So drafty.

Jane. When am I getting your chapter?

Sorry! Uh, tonight, I promise.

I just want to wait until after I interview my grandma so I can layer in a few more details.

Latin lover narrator: You'll recall, she was basing her thesis novel on her Abuela.

Well, just send it, okay? I need to see where you're at.

Okay.

(Xiomara singing in Spanish)

(sighs)

(Xiomara continues singing in Spanish)

Latin lover narrator: And where are we at?

Ah. This must be Xo's Voice audition.

♪ Amor. ♪

Nice. Perfect.

So it says here you're a grandmother?

Yup. Bet you don't see a lot of grannies.

Seven this morning.

Now, tell me, Xo, if you weren't a singer, what would you be?

Jane: Oh, wait.

Abuela, stay in frame.

Huh?

Posterity.

Don't be so morbid.

Whoa.

Cecilia? As in your sister Cecilia?

Hey, hey, hey, is this really her?

Oh, my God.

(sighs)

Um...

Why didn't you ever tell me she looks exactly like me?

Oh!

Abuela, whatever happened between you two?

Jane...

Come on. I'm a married lady. You can tell me.

What could be so bad that you haven't spoken in 40 years? Hmm?

Why would she do that?

No! No, I'm not saying this stuff!

Stop writing. I've had it!

Nobody does things just to be a bitch!

Your grandma... your grandma is the one being a bitch!

(door opens)

Michael: I'm home. Where are you?

In here!

Wait. What are you doing? Don't shut me down, bitch!

You have a deadline!

I'm sending Donaldson the chapter I already have.

Ay!

No one here?

No one's here.

(moaning)

Oh! (laughs)

(moaning)

Latin lover narrator: Oh, man, I'm prematurely excited!

I love you so much.

I love you so much.

(moaning)

Are you ready?

Yes.

Are you nervous?

A little.

Are you?

A little.

I want it to be good for you.

It's gonna be perfect because it's you.

I love you.

I love you.

Latin lover narrator: And, friends, I can't show you what happened next, but let's just say...

♪ ♪

Wow.

You and me finishing at the same time.

About a good a first time as I could've wanted.

How do you feel?

Latin lover narrator: A little different, honestly.

Good. I feel good.

Thirsty, though.

Do you want some water?

Mm.

(sighs)

Okay.

I've had s*x.

I am now a person who has had s*x.

(sighs) Thank God.

Okay, know what? I feel like we should mark the occasion with a glass of... wine.

Latin lover narrator: Or sleep.

(sighs)

Maybe talk to someone?

(phone chimes)

Really? Now?!

(sighs)

Why is it taking so long to load?

(Jane and Michael kissing, moaning over speakers)

Oh, no. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No!

What? What happened?

Jane: Oh. (laughs)

(panting, moaning)

We made a s*x tape!

What?

And I sent it to my advisor!

What?!

Latin lover narrator: And, unfortunately, friends, it wasn't the cartoon version.

Hey. Hi there.

If you want to know if I got your e-mail asking me not to read your file in time, the answer, unfortunately, is no.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

I-I had saved my grandmother's interview as "Abuela Story" and attached it...

That was not Abuela.

I know. I accidentally taped over it, and I saved the document as...

The details are not important.

Agreed. Thank you.

Onto my work.

(sighs) Unfortunately, I didn't love your chapter.

Latin lover narrator: Hey, compared to the s*x tape debacle, this was music to Jane's ears.

I get it. I was actually in the middle of a rewrite, and I was gonna add the main character's sister...

I'm sorry, can I just say one thing about the tape? Why do you kids have to record everything? I mean, every snack, selfie, sexual encounter...

No, I wasn't.

Obviously, you were. And why?

It just happened.

I mean, I get the urge to spice things up...

It was actually my first time.

Really?

Uh-huh.

Oh.

Well, that... that explains things.

What things?

That's what's been missing from your writing.

You're writing romance, but romance without s*x, it's just, you know, fantasy stuff.

So use this, okay? In your... in your writing.

Jane: She couldn't even look me in the eye.

Who cares? How was the s*x?

Good. It was good.

Oh, no. What happened?

(breathes deeply) Okay, I'm gonna tell you something, but you cannot tell anyone.

Obviously. Go.

I faked my orgasm.

(quietly): What?! Why would you do that?

I don't know.

I panicked. I-I could tell that he was about to... finish, and he was trying not to, and I knew it was gonna take me a while...

Oh, this is bad.

I know.

Faking orgasms are for nights when you need to get some rando out of your apartment.

I know.

Not for the guy who you're supposed to have s*x with for the rest of your life.

I know!

I just... I-I'm gonna tell him what happened, explain...

No, no, no.

Stop. You cannot tell.

Rafael: Michael.

You're back to work already?

Not officially. Just, um... you know, stopping by, trying to get back up to speed.

(chuckles)

Um... yeah, you, uh, you here about your family?

Latin lover narrator: Ah, yes. His family.

To remind you: his mother, Elena Di Nola, aka the Crime Lord Mutter, currently in jail; his brother Derek, currently in the wind; (wind whooshes) and, of course, his sister Luisa, still MIA.

Ah.

Here's Luisa.

So, yeah, I definitely need to catch you up on these two.

Luisa: So Susanna didn't exist?

It was you the whole time?

Exactly.

I left some stuff in Miami that I needed to pick up...

A record of the criminals' faces she changed, and a cool $200 million.

And I realized you wouldn't give me a second chance, not if you knew it was me...

Because you killed my father.

Yes. And I regret that.

But I love you, Luisa.

(whispers): I've always... loved you.

Why are you talking in that creepy voice?

It... wasn't supposed to be creepy, it was supposed to be sexy.

See, I don't even know how to talk to you anymore.

You make me so nervous.

Oh, I make you nervous?

Yes! You're the only person that I have ever felt this way about.

And you fell in love with me twice.

Let's build a life together.

Please.

Say yes.

(gasps)

If I have s*x with you once, it doesn't mean that I'm saying yes.

♪ ♪

What's wrong?

Can we ascend?

Just to see if my brother e-mailed me on my birthday.

See? He's written you off.

I'm the one that's here.

I know.

It's just that you killed my father. We're going around in circles here.

Latin lover narrator: Which is true, by the way.

They'd been circling the Great Barrier Reef for the last month.

You need to make a decision.

I want to get off the sub, go to my island, start our life.

What will it take for you to say yes?

I need to see your list.

The people I've slept with? It's long.

Of the people you've killed.

Even longer.

Bitchy Cecilia: I told you.

I am not a villain!

And I won't be written like one! Ah?!

Access my sexuality, like your writing teacher said.

I mean...

I have orgasms, unlike some people.

Oh, sorry.

Was that too bitchy?

(phone vibrates)

Oh.

(gasps) Mom! Hey, finally. I've been calling.

Xiomara: I know. Sorry.

I didn't get a callback for The Voice.

Oh, no. I'm sorry.

It's all part of the hustle, though, right?

Maybe.

Maybe I'm done with the hustle.

What?

The producer asked me this question: If I wasn't a singer, what would I be?

And...

I don't know, it got me thinking.

I haven't really, seriously considered anything else since I was, like, 19.

Because you love to sing.

Yeah, well... maybe it's time to move on.

What does she mean, "move on"?

Jane: She goes through these phases of self-doubt; she just needs a boost.

Like, um, another Paulina Rubio moment.

No, no, no, no. I cannot ask Paulina for another favor.

Not enough time has passed.

What?

Celebrity friendships need to be very carefully calibrated.

Someone like Paulina, you ask a favor every... seven years.

Someone like Gloria, every 20 years.

Now, Oprah... You just don't ask favors.

Your best bet is to ask Gayle.

Gotcha.

Okay.

Canadian celebs, well, you can ask anytime.

Michael Bublé has washed my car twice.

But he's traveling now.

Dad, okay, what about someone not famous?

Like a music executive who can get her singing backup maybe?

Let me work on it.

Now, I have to run.

The CW is interested in doing an American adaptation of The Passions of Santos.

What's The CW? Like a... like a streaming thing?

No, no.

It's a huge network!

Look it up. Amazing shows.

Fabulous lineups!

Anyway, if everything goes well, I'm gonna be on a plane to Los Angeles tonight.

Well, good luck.

Let me know how things go.

Ooh. (chuckles)

Uh, where's Mateo?

He's napping.

Perfect. How much time do we have?

He'll be awake in, like, 20 minutes.

Sweet. I'll just do the same exact thing I did last time, okay? Mwah.

Wait.

(moaning)

Hey, so, maybe we don't do exactly the same thing as last time.

What do you mean? Why?

Well, we can try something different for variety.

There's no time.

There's 20 minutes.

Michael, wait.

Got to be efficient.

Uh, but I faked it.

What?

My orgasm.

Why-why... why would you do that?

I got nervous. A-And I wanted it to be perfect, and I saw that you were finishing.

Wow.

I know. I'm sorry.

(sighs)

Have you faked it before when we did other things?

No. Definitely not.

Okay. We'll just start with the other things, then.

Thank you.

You know what? I just... I don't think it's happening.

I'm too much in my head now.

(exhales)

Rogelio: Boo!

Latin lover narrator: And speaking of a buzz kill...

Don't boo me, Rogelio.

But you're going to love The CW.

I don't even know what channel that is, and I own 50%

of the show, and I don't want to do business with you again.

Look... I get that you're upset about our breakup.

This has nothing to do with that.

I've already been approached to do other shows.

I'm in talks with...

But conquering the American market was your dream, too.

It was our favorite pillow talk topic.

Well, that... and my erotic

(whispers) shadow puppets.

Come on.

Put your ego aside.

It's good business.

Fine.

Separate rooms.

I get the better view.

Done. So... we're going to Hollywood?

We're going to Hollywood.

We're going to Hollywood!

Major news. That's what they say here in L.A.

Everything's major, and gluten-free.

Anyway, major music producer friend of mine, Hector, is free to go see your mom on Thursday.

That's great! She sings at the Blue Penny.

Hard pass. That place a dump.

Somewhere fancier.

The Marbella, perhaps?

I could ask Rafael.

Rogelio: Perfect.

(gasps) Oh, my God, that's a Kardashian!

Jane: And I know it's late notice, but Rafael said yes. And since you're in good with Diego, can you ask him to trade nights?

I don't know, hon.

This is all so much trouble.

What do you mean?

It's already organized.

Come on. I know you're down, but this is a big shot.

Don't lose sight of what you want, who you are.

And who are you, Jane?

Not a virgin. Finally. (chuckles quietly)

So, what, are you going to use your sexual experiences to write me? Okay.

Hmm?

Mmm, now you're talking.

You want to know why I told the world that Alba wasn't a virgin?

Because s*x... should be celebrated.

(giggles)

And I was tired of your hypocritical Abuela calling me a slut!

Oh.

You're in a bit of a sexual crisis, no?

So, what is your plan about your failure to launch with El guapo Michael?

Let me give you some advice, honey.

Turn up the seduction.

Kick it up a notch.

Now, remember, Dina, when we go in there, don't fawn all over the executives.

A superhero for every weekday!

You guys are programming masterminds!

Rogelio.

I'm sure these are very busy people.

Maybe we should get to The Passions of Santos.

Yes, yes, of course.

We love it.

It's major.

And we absolutely want to adapt it.

Wow!

That's such great news.

You have such great taste!

Right? So here's what we're thinking.

Two words.

No, four.

"Rob Lowe as Santos""

Rogelio: Rob Lowe?!

Maybe as Santos's father!

Rogelio, come on.

Who cares? No one's even heard of this network anyway.

It's the armpit of American television.

I think we should take the deal.

What?!

Look, I don't like it either, but the truth is Rob Lowe can launch a series, and you're just not famous enough in America yet.

Come on.

Put your ego aside.

It's good business.

Latin lover narrator: And speaking of getting down to business...

Jane: Hi there.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, so I thought we could spice things up a bit.

(giggles)

I actually went to the store.

Sexy 'N' Wild Gel with extra stimulation tinglers to enhance pleasure?

Jane: Ooh.

How's it feel?

Oh.

Oh, my God.

It burns.

It... burns.

Like a good burn?

No, not a... good burn.

It feels like wasabi down there.

Oh, my God!

Ow, oh, my God!

Ow, my... I got to get it off of me!

Honey...

Oh, ow. (whimpering)

(water running)

Oh, my God, the water's making it worse!

Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

I was just trying to s*x it up and get out of my head.

No, it's okay.

It was a good idea.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Ow. Uh, sorry. It still burns.

Right.

Gotcha.

Ooh.

Maybe just... keep this between us.

I mean, I know it goes without saying.

But I just... I just wanted to say it anyway.

I mean, you can tell people we had s*x, but just... no details, right?

We should work this... glitch out privately.

Yes. Right.

Yeah.

Latin lover narrator: Which brings us here, now.

Oh.

I can't.

Xiomara: Jane?

So what do you think of this one for the show?

So beautiful.

You look beautiful.

Wow. (chuckles softly)

So, I feel like I haven't seen you alone in forever.

How's newlywed life?

It's... going well... really well.

Everything's great.

And Michael and I actually...

We had s*x.

(gasps) What?!

A couple of days ago doctor cleared.

Yeah.

I can't believe it.

Why didn't you call me?

Oh, my God.

How do you feel?

Good. I feel good.

And how was it?

Latin lover narrator: Remember, Jane, don't talk about the glitch.

So great.

(doorbell rings)

That must be your dad.

He's back from Hollywood.

Okay, I need details later.

(squeals)

(Mateo babbles) No, Mateo!

Rogelio: I'm devastated!

Either I compromise the integrity of Santos by aging him up significantly, or I don't get to do the show at all.

But, Dad, you are Santos.

Abuela.

Ma.

No, see, that attitude right there, that's what I'm up against!

At the same time, I have to think as a producer.

So if this is the only way the series gets made, maybe it's worth it.

No. There's got to be another way.

Is this the moment you cash in on one of your biggest favors?

Two words. No, four words.

"Gloria Estefan and Emilio...

Estefan."

Okay five words. They deserve five.

I will get Gloria to play a part in the American version of Santos, and Emilio can produce all the music.

I may not be as big a star as Rob Lowe, but add Gloria and Emilio...

Boom! Basic celebrity math.

Can you really get them attached?

I'm cashing in a favor 20 years in the making.

Horndog Cecilia: Do me a favor, and write me some hot sexity-sex-sex.

Agreed.

You had your burning bush moment; it was a sign.

s*x is all about intimacy between two married people, which is why I told on your grandmother.

Don't lose your way now.

Sexual pleasure is not the most important thing.

That's why they call it Le petit Mort...

"a little death."

It's small.

What's big is the connection between two souls.

Mm?

Latin lover narrator: Which brings us here, now.

So... I just...

I don't want you to worry tonight.

This is about our love, you know?

Who cares about the rest?

Mm.

What... what do you mean?

Just that the most important thing is our connection and intimacy and...

What's wrong?

(sighs)

I'm just bummed that you think having s*x with me is so bad that you've given up any hope of having an orgasm.

No, no, no, no, that is not what I meant.

I just didn't want to pressure you.

I want us to get out of our heads.

Mm.

Well, I... Now I'm in my head.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I can talk dirty instead.

Hmm?

Maybe let's just... r-relax.

We'll just relax.

Lina: You guys should just bite the bullet and try p0rn.

Oh, forget I told you.

The s*x is good, and I've had orgasms since.

You're lying.

No, I'm not.

(phone vibrates)

Hey, Dad.

Rogelio: Bad news.

Hector's schedule changed; he can't come now.

What? Oh, Mom canceled her gig at the Blue Penny.

What-what can I do?

I don't know.

But, Dad... I found a list.

Of alternate careers.

I've never found a list before.

I'll get someone there.

Can we get back to the Telenovela?

Yes, of course.

Latin lover narrator: And we should get back to ours.

(gasps)

I was just coming to bring you an e-mail.

It's from your brother.

When we ascended today, I checked, and he didn't forget your birthday; we were just a day ahead.

Thank you.

You jumped.

When I came in, you jumped.

Uh-uh.

Rafael: Hey, Luisa.

I don't know if you'll read this, if you're alive, even.

But if you are, know that I love you.

And happy birthday.

And I miss you, okay?

I really miss you.

No reply?

Not yet.

Have you seen my dad?

Um, is that him over there with...

Is that...

Oh, my God.

Latin lover narrator: Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Jane! I want you to meet my dear friends, Gloria and Emilio Estefan.

Yes, thank you for coming.

We've been friends with your father for over 20 years, and he's never asked us for a favor before.

I just don't think that way.

So, we knew this must be major.

Latin lover narrator: Wow! Just look at her.

Hey, I'm sorry. That fan is making me cold.

Should we sit?

Good evening!

Thank you all for coming.

Oh, wow, I see some guys who usually come out to the Blue Penny. Hi, guys!

(crowd cheering)

Love that.

It helps with the nerves.

(chuckles)

Latin lover narrator: Yeah, that doesn't.

Uh...

I'll just sing, then.

♪ Amor, amor ♪ ♪ Amor ♪ ♪ Nació De ti ♪ ♪ Nació De mí ♪ ♪ De la Esperanza ♪ ♪ Amor... ♪

Latin lover narrator: Transportive, isn't it?

So... thank you for giving me the e-mail.

You didn't have to.

I want you to be happy.

I know.

That's why I can't say good-bye to my brother.

Not forever.

What if you don't have to?

You go back to Miami, tell the cops everything.

When I'm around your family, I'll have a different face...

That's the thing.

You... around my family.

I've changed.

I'm done with crime.

You have to trust that.

And if you can't...

If you're going to jump whenever I enter a room, then I'll drop you off at Port Kembla, you can fly home and never hear from me again.

So?

What's it going to be?

Lina: So, what's the word?

What?

Everything good with you and Jane?

She told you.

Look, I'm here to help.

But I really can't diagnose a problem without a play-by-play.

Gloria: So, tell us, Xiomara, what are your goals as a singer?

(exhales)

I don't know.

What?

She wants to be one.

I am one.

But right now, career-wise, I-I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads.

Interesante.

Well, what's more interesting is how much she loves singing.

Agreed.

Yeah, tell them about that, Mom, how you've been at it forever, and she just needs her break.

Xiomara: Or maybe I don't.

I-I have my weekly gig.

Maybe that's enough.

With no fame component?

Maybe I just have to accept that that's not gonna happen.

Huh. Interesting.

I'd still sing.

I'd just pursue other things professionally.

Mom, come on, you're really gonna regret it if you don't talk music with the Estefans.

I mean, that is their thing.

Emilio: Actually, we have different, uh, dentures.

He means "ventures""

Emilio: That's what I said, baby.

It's true.

We have several restaurants; we have a show on Broadway, On Your Feet; and I also write children's books.

That's great! (chuckles) That's great.

You know, but that's just not really what you're known for.

Well, it depends on the circle we're traveling in.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure, like, in the circle of Earth...

Rogelio: Jane.

I'm just saying, right now's not the time!

Latin lover narrator: Oh, no.

She can't control herself any longer.

It could be the time.

Okay, you know what, I just need you to stay out of this, Gloria Estefan!

I'm so sorry, Gloria Estefan.

Okay, what the hell?

I'm sorry.

I don't know what happened.

But it just feels like you're giving up on this huge thing that was so important to you for so long.

Ah.

What?

Just that...

I'm realizing that this isn't totally about me.

What do you mean?

You gave up something pretty big lately.

My virginity?

No.

I'm happy it's gone.

I-I'm married. I have a kid.

It's been, like, this weight.

I've been dying to get rid of this for so long.

Oh, honey...

This is so stupid! I'm married.

(sniffles)

I wanted it to be gone.

I don't know. I just...

I feel weird.

Like...

I lost something, like a part of my identity.

(sniffles)

Yeah.

I get that.

And I blame the flower.

What?

"It's perfect untouched.

Then crumple it up, now it's ruined."

I know I'm not ruined.

But you feel like you lost something, and you didn't.

You just gained something.

A whole new dimension of your life, your relationship.

What if we're not compatible?

It hasn't been great?

We're not really talking about it with other people.

Ah. Got it.

Okay, so you know, this has nothing to do with you.

But... with s*x, it can take time to find your groove and figure out what you like, what you need.

You're just starting out.

You'll get there.

(phone chimes)

(groans softly)

(scoffs)

Latin lover narrator: Which brings us here, now to...

(moaning, kissing)

Oh. Wow.

(moaning, panting continues)

(phone chimes)

Okay, I'm down to give p0rn a chance...

That's not p0rn. It's us.

Yeah. Lina asked for a play-by-play.

I wasn't gonna give her that, but I realized maybe it could help me figure out where it went wrong.

So, um...

There.

That was good, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I really liked that.

(Jane moans)

Was that moan real?

Definitely.

(exhales)

And I liked that.

That?

Mmm, yeah.

This s*x tape's really turning me on right now.

Latin lover narrator: And again, friends, I can't show you what happened next.

But let me just say...

♪ ♪

(Jackie Wilson's "Higher & Higher" playing)

♪ Your love, lifting me higher ♪ ♪ Than I've ever been lifted before ♪ ♪ So keep it up ♪ ♪ Quench my desire ♪ ♪ And I'll be at your side forevermore ♪ ♪ You know your love ♪ ♪ Your love keeps lifting me ♪ ♪ Keep on lifting ♪ ♪ Love keeps lifting me ♪ ♪ Higher... ♪ ♪ Higher and higher ♪ ♪ Higher ♪ ♪ I said your love ♪ ♪ Your love keeps lifting me ♪ ♪ Keep on ♪ ♪ Love keeps lifting me ♪ ♪ Lifting me ♪ ♪ Lifting me ♪ ♪ Higher and higher ♪ ♪ Higher ♪ ♪ All right ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Mmm... ♪ ♪ Let me tell ya, your love ♪ ♪ Your love keeps lifting me ♪ ♪ Keep on lifting ♪ ♪ Love keeps lifting me ♪ ♪ Higher ♪ ♪ Lifting me ♪ ♪ Higher and higher, and I said ♪ ♪ Higher ♪ ♪ Sock it to me, all right ♪ ♪ Lift me up, woman ♪ ♪ Love keeps lifting me... ♪

By the way, I'm throwing out that flower, make room in the closet.

Yes. Throw it out!

(whoops) Whew.

Latin lover narrator: And that, my friends, is how Jane and Michael got their groove back.

And as for her writing groove...

Bitchy Cecilia: Now, can we finally stop obsessing over that virgin whore nonsense?

Your bracelet, where'd you get it from?

Oh.

Ay.

(chuckles)

(sighing): Ay.

Ay.

Shh!

(indistinct chatter)

Eh! (laughing)

(sighs)

What do you mean? I made it up.

What letters?

Latin lover narrator: Her closet. Go!

Go!

No!

I'm out. Santos is a no-go.

What happened?

I know you spent your Estefavor on Xiomara, not on our Santos remake!

And I am done being dumped for Xo.

I thought you said it wasn't about that.

Look...

I didn't want to date you.

You pursued me.

And as soon as I realized I still had feelings for Xo, I tweeted...

And I should have called.

I'm sorry.

But I just didn't want to lead you on, romantically.

But you and I, we are soul mates, you know.

Okay, now what are you talking about?

Artistic soul mates. Think about it.

We keep coming back to each other, because we're such a good team.

I want 51% of the show.

Deal.

And you have six months to get famous enough to star in the American version, or you have to go beg Rob Lowe to come back.

Latin lover narrator: And speaking of coming back...

Tell him what you told me.

All of it.

Latin lover narrator: And so she did.

The s*x, the submarine.

She told me to come here...

Which you did.

Tell you everything...

Which you did.

Say that we broke up.

Which we did.

Although if they didn't, she'd be saying the same thing.

And Derek? What happened to him?

He's dead.

He was on her list.

Along with your mom.

I'm so sorry, Raf.

Wait, my mom's not dead.

What?

We need eyes on Elena Di Nola.

Now. Hurry! Now.

(coughs)

(strained): My son.

My son...

Latin lover narrator: I know, I know!

Now, that's what we call a big death.