A Moving Finale

Hey, Kyle.

Damn it.

Kyle.

Kyle!

Here I am!

(Laughing)

You had no idea where I was!

No.

Had I known, I would've taped that box up.

You haven't packed any of this stuff up.

Well, I started to, but I took a long stroll down memory lane when I found this.

A hanger.

Well, the hanger.

From when I first moved in.

- Remember?

- No.

Well, I used to leave my coat laying on the sofa all the time?

- Remember?

- No.

And you said, "Hang up your coat or I'm gonna smack you in the head.

" Remember?

Yes.

Yeah, and I said, "Where am I supposed to hang it up?

" And you said, "In the closet.

" And I said, "With what?

" And you said, "A hanger.

" And I said, "What hanger?

" And you said, "This hanger.

" This hanger.

First off, the hanger stays here.

Message received, you old softie.

You got to pack all this stuff up.

This is why we had to cancel the moving truck last week.

I know.

I know, it's just everything I pick up tells me a beautiful story about my time here.

I understand.

How about this?

You pack it up real quick, it'll tell you the same stories, even better ones as you're unpacking it at your new house.

- All right.

I'll get on it.

I promise.

- Okay.

Oh, um, would you ask Mandy to give me a hand?

- Geez Mandy?

Mandy!

- Here I am!

You know, Air Force Academy food is good, but there's something about a meal at home that just tastes so much better.

Yep.

Well, you're old enough I can tell you the secret: I use obscene amounts of butter.

Oh, I love special occasions.

'Morning.

'Morning.

Hey because there's waffles, and I don't have to cook them.

- That's right.

- (Chuckles)

You can cook them anytime you want, just not on the waffle maker that my dad passed on to me.

You know, Mike, my grandmother passed me down a loom.

Doesn't mean I have to use it.

That's because a loom is stupid.

(Scoffs)

This thing's got generations of Baxter family flavor baked right into it.

Ew.

You said it was butter.

Make all the jokes you want, but this is a big day for me.

This is when my nearly 30-year-old daughter and her husband move out of the house.

Mmm.

(Chuckles)

Well, in that case, I am opening champagne.

I'm adding orange juice.

I'm not a lush.

As long as we're celebrating, I'm gonna add some more chocolate chips, making this waffle one step closer to cake.

Honey, aren't you upset?

You're finally home for the summer and your sister's leaving?

She's like the sun.

I enjoy her from a distance, but if you spend too much with her, you'll suffer a stroke.

Ooh, champagne and orange juice.

That's called an Omarosa.

Actually, that would be champagne and sour grapes.

- Ooh.

- (Chuckles)

Ah, waffles.

One of the most memorable smells.

Mike: Mm-hmm.

You know, it's like fresh cut grass or gasoline covering the trailer right before your mom files an insurance claim.

You know, the key to making a great waffle is hard on the outside, soft on the inside.

It's almost the opposite of how it is in your artery.

All right.

Sit down, guys.

Why don't I get some breakfast in you before the moving truck arrives?

Yep.

Oh, actually, we canceled that.

This will be the third time you've canceled this thing.

- What's going on?

- No, now, hey, hey, hey.

Maybe they have a good reason.

Which I would really love to hear.

Yeah.

We-we ordered some curtains, and we thought we'd wait till they got delivered.

We don't want people peeking in.

Trust me.

Nobody wants to watch you and Kyle try to program a stove clock.

Heh.

Hey, Ed?

I got your text.

What's the emergency?

No, no, no.

Did you see a customer who drove off in a cherry red convertible?

Oh.

I don't know.

Did he hit something?

No, no, no, no, no.

How do you think I would look in a cherry red convertible?

Okay, we we need to talk about the word "emergency"?

Yoo-hoo.

Anybody want a muffin?

Ooh.

Absolutely.

Someone was up all night baking.

And then I bought some from the bakery.

- Mmm.

Mm.

- What's that?

The whole thing tastes just like the top.

And that granola bar in my desk can go kiss my ass.

(Laughs)

I'm so glad you guys like them.

Uh, hey.

Are you guys gonna be here tomorrow?

Mm-hmm.

All day.

Great.

Uh, Boyd's school is doing their spring musical, so he's gonna come in with me and do some fund-raising.

Seems like he was just here for Peter Pan.

(Chuckles)

Yep.

Uh, this year they're doing Music Man.

He's so excited to tell you guys about it.

Have a great day!

Thanks, bye.

(Chuckles)

I knew this muffin would cost me.

(Grunts)

Last year he talked me into that "Tiger Lily" package.

Mmm.

200 bucks for a signed cast photo and a room temperature soda at intermission.

This year I'm not gonna do it.

What?

Yeah.

He asks me to donate?

I'm gonna say no.

Wow.

But but that's Mike's grandson.

Yeah.

He-he doesn't realize that the kid's a jackass.

I don't give a damn.

I'm done.

All right.

Me, too.

I'm not gonna bankroll that kid anymore.

- Yeah.

- All right?

Yeah, right.

(Chuckles)

And I'm talking all these bribe muffins.

We got to get rid of these sponges.

Really?

I just bought those.

No.

I mean Kyle and Mandy.

Yeah.

Well, uh, you know, they'll be gone soon enough.

It's-it's like Mandy in high school: dicey for a while, but she got out.

Right She even said it herself.

She's not feeling any pressure to move out.

I want to put some pressure on her.

Okay.

What-what do you want me to say?

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

I-I realize we attract more flies with honey than vinegar, but we want to get rid of the flies.

- I can be tough.

- Honey.

(Chuckles)

I don't like watching old movies.

Everybody who was in them is dead.

- Like, see that adorable kid?

- Mm-hmm.

Dead.

Hey, uh, could you guys turn that off for just a second?

All right, listen up.

I've been thinking about this, and if you guys don't want to move into the apartment, I'm gonna have to find another tenant.

Wait, what are you talking about?

You know what he's talking about!

We spent a lot of money fixing that place up, and I think we've done a great job.

And if you guys aren't gonna move in, I'm gonna put it back on the market, so I'm saying you're gonna have to move in tomorrow.

Well, Dad you're-you're putting us under a lot of pressure.

- I know.

- (Loudly): We know!

Well, I I mean, I guess when you put it that way, we don't really have a choice.

Exactly.

Rent it to someone else.

- What?

- No You You realize you're gonna lose the apartment.

- I know.

- (Loudly): We know!

Hey, let's go unpack, babe.

I still get to use the hanger!

Wow.

I know this is probably too late, but, um Oh, I thought this would be the last gallon I'd have to buy.

(Sighs)

You know, that, you know, I-I could be one of those elegant women who buys her milk one skinny quart at time.

But Mandy and Kyle are staying, so I guess I'm still "Ugly Jugs" Vanessa.

Honey your jugs are beautiful.

Hey.

- Ooh, actually - Uh-uh-uh What?

I'm thirsty.

Drink water.

Milk is for movers.

I think what your father is trying to say is, what the hell are you and Kyle still doing here?

Hey, hey.

(Laughs)

I can't wait to get out of here.

Right back at ya.

The problem is this family is too loving and too supportive.

Boy.

That's gonna be an interesting call to social services.

Well, you guys know Kyle grew up with an alcoholic mom in a condemned trailer.

And then he comes here to a to a caring and supportive family.

I-I think maybe he wants more of that.

Well, does explain why Kyle's been dragging his heels.

- I mean, it's kind of sweet.

- Yeah.

So I created a wonderful home and family, and once again, being too good at something bites me in the ass.

Yeah.

And those three pregnancies hardly took any toll at all on your figure.

- Retail area.

- Uh-huh?

There's a guy in a black leather jacket with lots of buckles.

- Uh.

- Lots of buckles.

- Got him.

- Uh-huh.

- Did you see him lift something?

- No, no, no.

Do you think I could pull off a coat like that?

Only in a cherry red convertible.

(Chuckles)

Oh, uh, okay.

Uh-oh.

Boyd's here.

- It's happening.

- Huh.

Oh.

What-what, wait, wait, wait.

That's the first place he'll look for you.

Come on.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

Shh, shh.

Ed?

Chuck?

Hey, where are you guys?

It's a perfect idea.

This way he can't shake down people he can't find.

Yeah.

I stared down the Iraqi army.

Now I'm hiding from a peewee music man.

But the Iraqi army wasn't singing show tunes.

(Phone ringing)

Come on, stop that.

Come on, cut it, cut it, cut it, cut it.

I got it.

Whoa!

- Ooh!

- (Phone ringing)

I got it.

Turn the damn thing - There it is.

Okay.

- Turn the damn thing off.

What are you guys doing?

- Chuck just dropped his phone.

- Uh Why is it so dark in here?

- Uh, because the lights aren't on.

- Yeah.

- Ed, Ed, I told you, turn the lights on - Okay.

- Whoa.

It's bright.

- Let me ask you a question, fellas.

- Yeah?

- Yeah?

Do you love love?

Both: Yes.

Well, then, you're going to love the story of a flimflam man who travels town to town selling musical instruments, till one thing gets in his way.

What do you think that is?

Both: Love.

What's with the picnic basket?

We usually go to the woods with guns.

This is for Kyle.

He's having a hard time leaving.

Then take him to the woods with guns.

Your father has agreed to let me explain to Kyle that family is family no matter where he lives.

Mike: Right.

You know, sometimes I just prefer to rip the Band-Aid off, all right?

Damn it, I don't even like putting Band-Aids on.

You'll see, you'll see.

Once I talk to Kyle, he will realize on his own that it's time to go.

Right.

Or he'll just wait us out, take the master bedroom after we die.

Then I'll take him to the woods with guns.

What?!

Uh, Kyle Hey.

Uh, I packed this picnic basket full of all your favorite snacks.

My favorite sna I thought they discontinued making choco-balls, like, ten years ago because they caused "lesions.

" Heh.

No, no, no, no.

No choco-balls.

Okay, so Um, I just thought that maybe you and Mandy could take the picnic basket outside, and you could realize that food tastes just as good no matter where you eat it.

That's not true.

I mean, there's something that's just so magical about your kitchen, and nobody beats Mr.

B's waffles.

That's very nice, but what I'm trying to tell you is that The only thing that my mom cooked in the kitchen was this weird stuff that made her friends really excited to clean the trailer.

Yeah, uh, look, I realize your childhood wasn't exactly ideal Yeah, but it's okay now, 'cause living here with you guys has been the happiest time of my life.

Which is why I'm not sure I'm ever gonna leave.

Mike!

Listen, Kyle, I'm gonna get ahold of the moving van.

It'll be here in an hour.

Your stuff's gonna be in it or in the front yard.

Now, get out.

That Band-Aid had a little hair on it.

I can't believe I have my own beautiful, perfect apartment.

I want to kick you guys out of here so badly.

Okay, well, a few last-minute things.

Uh, the curtains will be in tomorrow.

Oh, and there is a bus that stops by every few days because we are on the "Haunted Denver" tour.

Prison murder.

Don't ask.

Where do you want the bowling balls?

That's the last one.

Now all that's left is back surgery and three months of physical therapy.

Hey, how about your new landlord buys everybody lunch at the Grill?

I can get us a good table.

I sleep with the manager.

(Chuckles)

Oh, don't tell her I said that.

Maybe Dad could join us.

He likes to pay for things.

Actually, I'm-I'm not hungry.

I think I'll just get started unpacking.

Okay.

What about you, Eve?

Uh, I think I'll hang here, too.

I lost my appetite when I fused my spine.

Kyle, um, I think you and I need to talk.

You know, Baxter son to Baxter son.

Apparently I'm not a Baxter son.

Which which I suppose is a good thing, since I'm married to a Baxter daughter, and that would be, you know disgusting.

Well, Dad thinks of you as a son.

Oh, yeah?

He sure has a funny way of showing it.

Well, he has a funny way of showing most things.

You kind of have to learn how to read him.

He kicked me out.

An-And I don't know why.

I don't know what I did wrong.

You didn't do anything wrong.

That's why he kicked you out.

Don't you get that?

Okay, this might be a little late in the game for me to ask this, since, you know, I'm married into the family and all.

EVE: Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

But are you people insane?

Kyle, he knew it was time for you to move out.

He knew you were ready.

That's why, when he found out that you weren't going to pull the trigger, he did.

And if there's one thing Dad knows, it's it's when to pull the trigger.

I guess that's true.

Of course it's true.

And you want to know another thing that's true?

You think you moving out is hard on you?

Trust me, it's way harder on Dad.

You think so?

I do.

That's why I know how to read him.

You're a good brother, Eve.

You think you could teach me how to read?

Sure.

You mean my dad, right?

Hey, guys, I'm back.

Me, too, and I brought more muffins.

Now, Ed, you bought the "Shipoopi" package.

That gives you four tickets to each performance, and a special lunch with the cast.

I know what I did.

And, Mr.

Larabee Now, now this is my favorite.

Mm.

- You get - To build a gazebo.

I know.

Oh, you're gonna need an insurance waiver.

What?

Insurance waiver?

(Chuckles)

If it helps, we have to host the cast party.

46 drama nerds spilling soda and spreading it all over my house with their jazz hands.

I just bought myself another year to try to figure out how to say no to that kid.

Next year, they're doing Cats.

Oh, for the love of God.

A-Am I gonna have to build some kind of giant litter box or something?

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, hey, Jen, Jen, Jen.

Don't take this the wrong way, but get out.

Boyd's gonna get here any second.

He's fundraising for his new play, so get Hey, that's my kid.

But he's right.

You should totally just leave right now.

Just go.

ED: It's too late, too late, - too late.

- Oh, Jen, great.

Let me ask you a question.

- Do you love love?

- Why?

Because if you do, you're going to love The Music Man.

- It's the story of a guy - Stop.

- What?

- Not interested.

- But don't you want to know - I do not.

But it-it's a musical.

Yeah, people don't like those.

Let's go, Boyd.

I think we're done here.

(Chuckles)

That is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

You don't seem to feel any guilt.

How did How did you do that?

Well, I'll tell you right after I tell you about the geology club, which is raising money for a field trip.

You two strike me as the type who would be Limestone Members.

You got a check Hello?

Hey, Kyle.

Kyle.

In the box?

Oh, hey, Mr. B.

Hey, buddy.

You know, this place is starting to look pretty good.

Yeah, yeah, it's starting to feel like home.

That's because it is a home.

Can I get you anything?

No, but, uh, I brought you something.

This is yours.

Yeah.

Family heirloom.

Oh.

Cool.

I'll tell Mandy you brought it by for her.

Actually, uh, I brought it for you, Kyle.

- Really?

- You, uh Vanessa's got a loom, but that's stupid.

Heirloom good.

A loom, stupid.

- Thank you, Mr. B.

- Mm-hmm.

Anytime you want a waffle, you come by.

Okay.

Listen, I, uh I should get back to work.

And do you remember how I like the waffles?

Hard on the outside, soft on the inside.

You know how to read me.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, reminding you that the outdoors has much to teach us.

For example, you know one thing you'll never see in nature?

A millennial still living at home.

And you know why?

It isn't good for them.

Buy your own damn milk.

You see, it really doesn't matter if the teat is attached to your mom, an almond or the government.

If you suckle at it for too long, you won't know how to be a grown-up in the real world.

Of course, in nature, the parents don't mess around.

Birds will just launch the kid out of the nest.

They don't even check to see if the dude can fly.

They're like, "Well, you got a couple seconds "to figure it out, otherwise you're gonna get eaten down there.

" With people, it's a little trickier.

Especially the-the people your very loving wife gave birth to.

If you're really lucky, your grown-up kid who lives at home will get married, and you get to take in a stray.

It's like birth one, get one free.

You ever see those videos where the goat folds in with the family dogs until he thinks he's a dog?

Well (Imitates goat)

we had a goat.

He thought he was one of us.

Thought he was one of us.

(Chuckles)

And I hope that he knows that he is and always will be.

Baxter out.