Peter's Progress

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Hey, where's Cleveland? Doesn't he have a relative in town or something? I don't know, but I ordered him a beer, and now it's just sitting there looking lonelier than Alan Rickman's answering machine. Hello. You've reached Alan Rickman at 555-0122. Please leave a message at the beep. Hello, Alan Rickman. It's Alan Rickman reminding you to move the pork chops from the freezer to the refrigerator so they defrost properly. Do not disappoint me. Hello. You've reached Alan Rickman at 555-0122. Please leave a message at the beep. Alan, it's me again. Remember that turtle joke for the party. Hey, y'all. I want you to meet my cousin from Jamaica, Madame Claude. Nice to meet you all. You sound like the crab from Little Mermaid. I had crabs once. It's awful. You got to buy that cream that comes with a little comb. Of course I can still use the comb. - Well, that's Quagmire. - And you know what else? Madame Claude is psychic. She can tell you what you were in a past life. I already know what I was. A strawberry. It's another pleasant day for me, Peter the Strawberry. Hey, Mr. Worm. I welcome your arrival, 'cause we're all part of the same garden. Wait. What are you Wait, hey. Hey, get out of here! Hey! He was my neighbor and he violated me. Now I'll never end up in a fancy pie! What do you say, Joe? You want your past life read? It'll be fun. Sure. Why not? Okay, dear. Close your eyes and clear your mind. Okay. I'm seeing something. Joe, you were an octopus. Yes! Yes, this is so awesome! Damn it! Oh! That's so cool! That's so cool! Do me next. I'm getting something. I see you in London. I think it's the 1800s. Oh, my! You were Jack the Ripper! Giggity! - What about Peter? - Yeah, Peter next! I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me. You're wrong, Peter. Let us begin. Oh, my! You were a very important man. You were Griffin Peterson, the founder of the city of Quahog. Now, wait a second, Cool Runnings. We learned in school that Miles "Chatterbox" Musket founded Quahog after he was saved by the magic clam. No, that is a myth. Peter, you were the founder of Quahog. I see I see England a long time ago. It is a crisp, clear spring morning, and Griffin Peterson is riding to the home of his beloved. Peterson, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be down at your job making oblong bricks out of manure and straw? No, we're off. It's Martin Luther Day. Yes, that's a very smart joke. Isn't that right, comedy professors? Well done. Indeed. - Now, what do you want? - I want to marry your daughter, and I'm here to ask for your blessing. What could you possibly have to offer my daughter? Well, I'm one of the few guys in this town who isn't dying a slow, painful diarrhea death. All right, come on in. Knock-knock. Lady Redbush? Griffin! It's so good to see you. I'm so horny. Kiss my hand. What are you doing here? I was just walking off the rotted goose anus I had for breakfast, and I thought I'd come by and ask you a little question. - What's that? - Will you marry me? Oh, my God, yes! Yes, I will, Griffin! Oh, I thought you'd never ask. - Did you do it? - I did it! But in another part of London, there was a man who was not in such good spirits. The King of England, Stewart the Third. I'm so bored. I wish to be entertained. Where's my troupe of actors? Presenting the cast of How I Met Your Mother! - You told her I told you I kissed her? - Dude, you broke the bro code. That's not against the bro code. Yes, it is. Article 15 B. That's the heart of the bro code, man. Whoa, you're right! I guess I did break the bro code. Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa What is this? Are these jokes? Do people in other castles think this is funny? Well, yeah. We get a pretty sizeable chunk of princes 18 to 34. I think I'd like to delete this from my TiVo. Are you sure you want to delete this program? Yes. Bring me my mid-season replacement fool! - Hi there. - I want to hear some jokes, fool! Well, you know, I don't really tell jokes. I like to tell stories from my life and let the humor just flow organically from everyday situations. Yeah, my aunt Frieda was a real card. She always had the most wonderful spirit, even when her mind started to go. I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom, from whom she'd been divorced for several years. And in the letter, she misspelled his name T-O-M-M. And I said, "Frieda, you've spelled Tom's name wrong. "You need to take out one of the'M's. " And she said, "Which one?" You know, you're gonna be fucking dead in five seconds if Aunt Frieda doesn't throw a pie at somebody! I mean, part of that is you sort of have to know my - Make me laugh! - Hey, look. Keys. That's so satirical! What social commentary! Well, now I'm in a wonderful humor. I wish to go for a walk into town. Hey, coachman, let's drive on the left side of the road and see if that catches on. Good Lord! Who is that? That's Lady Redbush and her husband-to-be, Griffin Peterson. That piece of ass is marrying that tall glass of poop juice? Well, not if I have anything to say about it. A woman of that caliber should be married to a king. Well, what are you gonna do about him? I'm the king, jester. I'm going to have him exiled to the farthest corner of the world. And then she'll be all mine! Why is he such a jerk to everybody? Because he has a very, very small penis. I've seen it, actually, and it's, like, you don't even want to make fun of it. You know, it's just medically fascinating. I kind of want to see it. Yeah, it's like that one grape in the bunch that never got to be a grape. - I wonder what's keeping Griffin? - I'm sure he'll be along, sweetie. Remember, he's tubby. It takes him a while to move around. - I hope he didn't get diarrhea and die. - Can I feel those boobs? - No! Daddy! What are you? Sick? - Hey, it's a different time! What a wonderfully exciting day! I'm young, I'm all dressed up, and I'm on my way to marry the woman I love. And there's 290 years separating me from the films of Kevin Smith. Hey, Peterson. - Who are you? - I'm King Stewart. - Don't you recognize me from the coins? - Oh, yeah. The ones with your profile. You know, you look really weird from the side. Well, that's something we didn't really think out too well when we started. But never mind that! You're going into exile, Peterson! I'm shipping you out on the first boat to the New World! But I'm supposed to get married today. Oh, Yeah? Where are you going for your honeymoon? - That medium-sized hill. - Wrong! Seize him! And King Stewart's cruelty was only just beginning. Maybe he changed his mind. Maybe he's not coming. Oh! Come on now. There, feel better after I just said that? - Now give me one little touch. - No! I hate this! I I I hate my life! - The king! - The king is here! Oh, I didn't vote for him! Your majesty, this is a real honor. Carter Redbush. Very glad to meet you. Hello. Harry MacAfee. As a citizen, I'm proud to have you reign over me and the MacAfee Fertilizer Company. Lady Redbush, I wish I was here on a happier errand, but I'm afraid I must inform you that Griffin Peterson is dead. What? Now that some time has passed, do you want to go out? With Griffin Peterson exiled to the New World and Lady Redbush believing he was dead, King Stewart was now free to marry her. The bride and groom have written their own vows. Our love is like two figs hanging from a fig tree cradled by Cupid's own hand. You and I are like two Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Is my wedding interrupting your, your promotion? We're right in the middle of our show, okay? Right now. You have a time slot. Go there. Maybe finish this candy bar before you open another one! Well, at least it wasn't one of those promos where they've got the whole cast shoving each other playfully like they're all good pals. Oh, oh, look! There we go! Oh! Look at them jostling each other around! Oh! They give each other a hard time, but they're friends. Is that a real show? No, it's just No. Somebody's making a joke. Forget it. Meanwhile, Griffin Peterson and the other exiles pass the time on the ship to the New World. Aw, crap! A splinter. Well, it's been nice knowing you guys. So what'd you do to get exiled? I got caught pleasuring myself to a painstakingly etched engraving of the Wife of Bath. What'd you do? I slept with an underage virgin to cure my puff penis. Hey, fellows. You want to join me in a game of mumble peg? - Oh, no, thanks. - Fine. I'll play by myself. One, nothing! Eventually, after many months at sea, Griffin Peterson and his shipmates finally reached the New World. I declare this land Quahog! This place is nothing but a wilderness! What are we gonna do? We're gonna build a new settlement. We'll have a happy new life, and we'll have equal rights for all. Except blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, gays, women, Muslims Um Everybody who's not a white man. And I mean white-white. So no Italians, no Polish. Just people from Ireland, England and Scotland. But only certain parts of Scotland and Ireland. Just full-blooded whites. No, you know what? Not even whites. Nobody gets any rights. America. How's your stewed fox quail, my dear? It's quite good. I'm also enjoying the turtled hen. Isn't the turtled hen good? So, listen, you and I need to have a conversation about you not bearing me a son. Well, my lord, we've discussed this. We have to have sex in order for me to bear you a son. Oh, I know. I've just been so tired, and I've had so much work. And I think I think I wanted to the other day but I couldn't find you. So, you know, it's, like, both of us and our schedules, you know? Well, why don't we do it tonight? Maybe. Tonight might work. Yeah Oh, no! I got that thing in the morning! How about tomorrow at 4:00? You know I'm with my mother tomorrow at 4:00. Darn it! I'm gonna be so horny tomorrow at 4:00. You know, I got to say I'm a little mad at you for not being more available. We can have sex right now on the table. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. We eat here. Griffin Peterson and the other colonists worked day and night to build their new settlement. Until finally, after much hard work, the colony of Quahog was complete. It didn't take long before Quahog was a thriving New World settlement bustling with life. Boy, everything's shaping up real nice! Yeah, and we finally finished the town abortion clinic. Time had helped Griffin forget Lady Redbush. And soon he found himself a hearty new wife. Boy, that was fantastic! You must have had a lot of practice. No, not really. I've been saving myself for marriage. We should probably open up some windows. I don't know what to do, jester. I can't be married to the king anymore. My heart still belongs to Griffin Peterson, but he's dead. - No, he's not. - What? I was ordered to keep silent by the king under threat of execution. But you're gonna see this anyway. Oh, my God! He's alive. Jester, I've got to get to him. I'll help you, but only if I can go with you. If I stay here, the king will execute me for telling you all this. He's a real fit head. Well, okay. But how are we gonna get there? We'll hitch a ride on one of the slave ships tomorrow night after an all-new Shovin'Buddies. Followed by an all-new Slowly Rotating Black Man. And so Lady Redbush sailed off to the New World to find her beloved, and the timing was good because his new wife was a pain in him ass. And then I finished scrubbing the kettle, but then I saw that I had missed a spot. And, oh, I was so worried that the whole thing wasn't clean enough, so I went back and started washing it again. And sure enough, I'd missed another spot. And there was a clump of cornmeal under the rim from when I made breakfast. Shut up, Meg! I pray thee, shut up. - Griffin! - Lady Redbush! And so Griffin Peterson and Lady Redbush were happily reunited. Of course, Griffin had to go through the complex, extensive divorce procedure required by 18th century society. Gone? What do you mean she's gone? Sire, Lady Redbush has been gone these six months. - Six months? - Yes. Forgive me, sire. But how could you not be aware of this? Don't you share a bedchamber with her? Well, I mean, sometimes, I mean, we sleep We We We go to different We go to bed at different times. We've both been so busy it's been ridiculous. I thought she was taking a class or something. Oh, man! That sucks because I'm so horny. Damn it! Oh I wanted to do sex to her tonight. - Well, then I guess we've got to go get her. - Yeah. All right. Months rolled by, and Griffin and Lady Redbush continued to flourish happily in the colony of Quahog, completely unaware that King Stewart was on the march. There was a peaceful town called Quahog Where people lived in harmony They never had no kind of trouble There was no hint of misery Then all at once the trouble started A pack of murderers and thieves Like swarms of locusts they descended Their aim to make the town folk flee They've got to be here somewhere. Where's my first lieutenant? Here I am, sir. Yes, sir. Right indeed. Here indeed. Yes, I am, sir! I want you to turn this settlement upside down until you find Lady Redbush and Griffin Peterson! That fat bastard thinks he can steal my bride and get away with it? I wouldn't bet a corn farthing on him escaping. No, I wouldn't. Not a corn farthing would I bet. No, sir. - What's wrong with you? - A little wrong in the head, I am, from eating some bad sausages. Yes, some bad sausages did I eat, indeed, sir. Yes, I did. Some bad sausages ate I. Oh, Griffin, this time together has been the happiest of my life. Me, too, Lady Redbush. All those months I was without you I never stopped seeing your face in the back of my wife's head. And all those months I was sailing for the New World, I saw your face in every slave's stomach. - Tell me we'll be together forever. - We will. I found him, Your Majesty. Indeed, yes, I did found him, did I. - Indeed, yes, sir. I did. - Yeah, okay, okay. Whatever. All right, Peterson, two things are gonna happen here. I'm gonna take my wife back, and then I'm gonna kill you! All right. All right, Mr. King, sir. You win. I'm sorry, Lady Redbush, but he is your husband. Let me just walk over here and get your things for you All right, Your Majesty. If you want to leave with your pal in one piece, - I suggest you throw down your weapons! - Ah! Go ahead and kill him, Griffin! You kill him and I'll kill her! Go ahead! You kill her, I'll kill him! Go ahead. You kill him, I'll kill her! Knock yourself out. You kill her, I'll kill him. This is me laughing. You kill him, I'll kill her! This is me before Ultra Slim-Fast. You kill her, I'll kill him! Wait, wait! There's got to be a better way to settle this! - Talent show? - Talent show. "Hear ye. Hear ye. This talent competition "will decide rightful possession of the good Lady Redbush "and control of the colony of Quahog. " We first present King Stewart of England with some observational humor. Hi there, everybody. You know, my Aunt Frieda was a real card. She always had the most wonderful spirit, even when her mind started to go. What the fuck? I remember once she wrote a letter to my Uncle Tom, from whom she'd been divorced for several years. And in the letter, she misspelled his name T-O-M-M. This is my bit. These are all my bits. - This is funny. - Unbelievable. And I said, "Frieda, you've spelled Tom's name wrong. "You need to take out one of the'M's. " And she said, "Which one?" Clap your hands, everybody And everybody clap your hands We are the Quahog colonists and Mort the Jew Hey there We're out here on stage tonight to do a show for you We got Peterson on the violin And Quagmire and Joe will be joining in We got stumpy Seamus on the lead guitar And he's gonna give you a great big Break! Oh, God, they put so much work into theirs! I didn't know we could rip off movies! And from then on, Lady Redbush and Griffin Peterson lived in peace and happiness. - Oh, Griffin, I love you. - And I you. Let's grow old into our 30s together. I want to have a baby with you. And I want to be there when you die giving birth to it. And so ends the tale of Griffin Peterson and the founding of Quahog. Well, what a bunch of delightfully colorful characters! So, is that it? That's it. Now stay tuned for an all-new Crossarmed Opposites. - This guy. - No, this guy. - No, this guy. - No, this guy. Both of us. English - US - SDH