The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition


 * Amy: I think a boy likes me!
 * Bernadette: Doesn't he know you have a boyfriend?
 * Penny: She doesn't have a boyfriend, she has a Sheldon.


 * Sheldon: A date! You and me.
 * Sheldon: You call me sweetie all the time.
 * Penny: I call everyone sweetie.
 * Sheldon: You tramp!
 * Penny: Ugh... Look, Sheldon, all I'm saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy!
 * Sheldon: Strap on a pair? Of what? Skates?
 * Penny: Oh, sweetie, you are so not the guy.


 * Leonard: Hey, can I talk to you about something? It's a little awkward.
 * Sheldon: I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you're at, you're wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. (pauses) Yes! And if I may suggest, consider changing discipline, to the humanities or perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don't have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuffs that happened and then parrot it back. You can have fun with that.
 * Leonard: Yeah, that's not it! Stuart's kind of interested in Amy.
 * Sheldon: Well of course he is. She's very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes?
 * Leonard: No! He wanted me to find out if you'd have a problem with him asking her out.
 * Sheldon: I'm not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don't own Amy. You can't own a person, at least not since...?
 * (Leonard stares at him)
 * Sheldon: 1863. When President Lincoln freed the...?
 * (Leonard looks fed up)
 * Sheldon: Slaves. Come on, Leonard. If you're gonna teach history, these are the kind of facts you'll have to know.
 * Leonard: You know what, never mind. I'm gonna tell him it's okay to ask her out.
 * Sheldon: The question is moot. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture-books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist, capable of performing surgery on her own feet, with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.
 * Leonard: Alright. For the record, I checked in with you to see how you'd feel about it.
 * Sheldon: Fine! The record shall so reflect. Now, getting back to the problem at hand what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist?


 * Raj: Please, you're looking at Facebook to find out how their date went.
 * Sheldon: Really? You think I care if a man, what, shared a pumpkin latte with a dynamite lady?
 * Raj: You're so full of it.
 * Sheldon: You are free to believe whatever you like. And unfriend Rajesh Koothrappali!
 * Raj: You unfriended me? Seriously?
 * Howard: Oh, yeah, now he's gonna miss all those great updates like (imitating Raj's voice) "I can't believe I waited this long to make my own !"
 * Leonard: Sheldon, why don't you just acknowledge you have feelings for Amy and you don't want her going out with other men?
 * Sheldon: And unfriend Leonard Hofstadter!
 * Howard: Here's a radical thought. Go old school. Challenge Stuart to a fight. Ain't nothing makes the ladies hotter than two skinny white guys swatting at each other with their eyes closed.
 * Sheldon: And unfriend Howard Wolowitz!


 * (Sheldon knocks on Penny's door three times)
 * Penny: Who do we love?
 * Sheldon: Penny. (knocks 3 times)
 * Penny: Who do we love?
 * Sheldon: Penny. (knocks 3 times)
 * Penny: Who do we love?
 * Sheldon: Penny.


 * Penny: Oh god, are you trying to make Amy jealous?
 * Sheldon: No! Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart, and whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight?
 * Penny: Ok, listen to me, playing games is not gonna help get Amy back.
 * Sheldon: I'm not trying to get her back! But out of curiosity, what is a way?


 * Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
 * Sheldon: The thought of you sitting in a darkened theater with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offense Stuart!
 * Stuart: None taken. Though, repellent, is kind of, kind of a strong word.
 * Amy: Um... sorry this causes you discomfort but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want.
 * Stuart: Um...again...
 * Sheldon: Stuart, please, you're being rude.
 * Amy: Anything else?
 * Sheldon: I believe, I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.
 * Amy: I'm listening.
 * Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise. I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.
 * Amy: Interesting... Now try it without the quadruple negative.
 * Sheldon: You're being impossible.
 * Amy: (at Stuart) Hi, Stuart.
 * Sheldon: Fine. Amy, will you be my girlfriend?
 * Amy: Yes.
 * Sheldon: Alright, that's enough about it. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date.


 * Stuart: So, other than you taking your relationship to the next level with another guy, this was nice!
 * Amy: Yes, well, thanks for seeing me to my door.
 * Stuart: Oh, you're welcome.
 * Sheldon: (triple knock) Amy! (triple knock) Amy! (triple knock) Amy!
 * (Amy opens the door)
 * Sheldon: Let's wrap things up out there!
 * (Sheldon closes the door)
 * Amy: Umm... Good night Stuart!
 * Stuart: Good night!
 * (they hug)
 * Sheldon: Take a hint Stuart, the lady said good night!


 * Amy: How did you get into my apartment?
 * Sheldon: Wow! Is that the kind of nagging I can expect now that you're my girlfriend?


 * Bernadette: We should play limbo next. No one beats me at limbo!


 * Amy: That's so romantic...
 * Sheldon: Mutual always is.


 * Sheldon: (knocks 3 times) Penny. (knocks 3 times) Amy. (knocks 3 times) Bernadette.
 * Amy: That's my boyfriend. (to Sheldon) It's open!
 * Sheldon: (enters the apartment) I got a splinter.
 * Amy: (stands up straight) What do you want me to do about it?
 * Sheldon: Relationship Agreement Section 4: Boo-boos and Ouchies you have to take care of it.
 * Amy: I should've gotten a lawyer.


 * Bernadette: Penny, we're out of red wine!
 * Penny: You should probably drive.