Super-Adaptoid

[CAPTAIN AMERICA GRUNTS]

[MISSILES WHISTLE, EXPLODE]

IRON MAN: You can run, but you can't fly!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I don't need to.

IRON MAN: Really? – [EXPLOSION] [GRUNTS] Give up? –

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Do you? [GRUNTS]

IRON MAN: We don't actually need to see you're scattered atoms to prove my point.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: The point being your video game has some nice graphics? Sure.

IRON MAN: Flattery won't get you un-atomized. You want to survive, you got to change with the times.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Spend a few decades frozen in ice, then we can talk about survival.

J.A.R.V.I.S.: Sir, I believe you would call that a “burn.”

IRON MAN: Point to Jarvis, master of the obvious. I've already designed new armor for you, Cap, plus an upgrade to the shield. Don't worry, I kept the color scheme.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Tony, armor would slow me down and my shield is like an extension of my arm. - If you change it in any way –

IRON MAN: Just say it. Say, "Tony, I'm afraid of new tech." Admitting you have a problem is always the first step.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Gosh, Mr. Big Brain, your modern tech is so gol-darn confusing. How does this contraption turn water into coffee? Is it coal power, or is it a miracle? Hmm.

IRON MAN: Hmm. Sarcasm must be a modern invention because when you do it, it just sounds wrong.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Say, if I hit this, will the whole building just launch into the sky?

IRON MAN: Uh, the Aven-Jet? Yes.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I know, I read the manual. I don't have a problem with technology. But no machine can replace human intuition - or just plain guts.

IRON MAN: --You're saying I don't have guts?

J.A.R.V.I.S.: Sir, there's a broadcast I suggest you watch.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: On your newfangled magic picture box?

IRON MAN: Enough.

HAMMER: You call them "Avengers"? I call them loose cannons. Ha! Hammer Tech offers better, safer high-tech protection from evil, without the unbearable ego of Tony "The Phony" Stark. Avengers, I challenge you. Come on down and see for yourself that I can do a better job of hero-ing than you can. I'm Justin Hammer, and I approve telling the Avengers to stuff it for a safer America.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Someone doesn't like you.

IRON MAN: A lot of people don't like me. None of them are as annoying as Justin Hammer. Jarvis, get me coordinates and call the gang. Hammer's a wannabe. Smart-ish. He's a weapons tech guy, like I am. Only he's got no skill, talent, or tact.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Since when do you have tact? - Why are we taking his bait?

IRON MAN: Because on the off chance he really did build something dangerous, we don't want a guy like Hammer running around with an atomic bomb in his pocket.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: And he called you out on TV.

IRON MAN: And that.

HAMMER: You accepted my invitation. Mango iced tea? I made it myself.

IRON MAN: Whatever sad, little game you're playing, Hammer, let's get it over with so I can get back to something more meaningful. Like, anything.

HAMMER: I just wanted to run a little experiment. The Avengers against one of my humble inventions.

IRON MAN: Seriously? What could possibly—[GRUNTS] Huh?

HAMMER: Meet the Super-Adaptoid, superhero of the future. It's time to put your metal where your mouth is, Iron Man.

IRON MAN: Wow! You invented a sucker punch machine. Congrats!

HAMMER: Oh, he's a lot more than that. Go on, take a whack at him.

[IRON MAN GROANS]

HAWKEYE: Guys, come on! Came all the way out here, let's at least enjoy the show for a few seconds. Maybe Stark will get punched again.

IRON MAN: Thanks for the support, Hawkeye. You're the best. Hammer's toy robot packs a wallop, barely. Oh, look, it's scanning us for weaknesses. That is adorable.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Don't get cocky… cockier. It's learning.

IRON MAN: Then let's take it to school.

[ELECTRICITY FIZZLES]

FALCON: I give him an F. Whoa. [GRUNTS]

HAWKEYE: F-minus.

THOR: In Asgard, we do not have a grading system such as this. But I will play along. I give him a G!

HULK: Make that an H.

IRON MAN: Next time, school's out, then bam. Work for you?

THOR: Ah-ha! I see what you did there.

HAMMER: You ruined my only model! It'll take me forever to build another.

HULK: Next time you build something to attack us with -- don't.

HAMMER: Can't blame a guy for trying!

IRON MAN: Actually, we can. Stay out of the weapons game before you hurt someone.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: It's never that easy.

HAMMER: I'm going to sue! That'll teach you! Lawyer up, blue boy! Because I'm going to sue you all!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: My ride is leaving.

HAMMER: That was... exceptional. You're sure you're getting all this? 'Cause we're ready for Phase Two.

HAWKEYE: A Super-Adaptoid that can't adapt? Hammer should've called it Stupor-Adaptoid. [SNORTS] Oh, why so blue, big green?

FALCON: He hardly got to smash anything besides Hammer's junk bot.

HULK: Left a 10 gallon tub of peanut butter for this stupid mission. Better still be there. [KNUCKLES POP]

CAPTAIN AMERICA: What did you scan from the Adaptoid during the battle?

IRON MAN: I scanned it being crushed to bits. Why?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I'd just like to see the data, that's all. You said it was scanning us?

IRON MAN: There's nothing to see. Nada, zip, zero. Hammer came at us with his cheesy robot. We tore it apart.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: That "cheesy robot" started to adapting to your fighting style and was about to use Falcon's weapons against him. And don't you think it's strange to spend billions on a robot just to let us crush it? Hammer can't be a complete idiot.

IRON MAN: Oh, Hammer is a complete idiot. Really. He's just a geek with armor envy.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Data, please.

IRON MAN: Not my idea of a good time, but knock yourself out. If any of the math looks complicated, that's because it is.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I can do this. [SIGHS]

FALCON: If you just say, "I meant to do that," it pretty much covers everything.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Thanks.

FALCON: I don't want to overstep, but if you need help with the tech, just ask. Probably sort of challenging for someone of your age.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Sam, I'm barely older than you. I slept through a lot, but I woke up to a world of marvels. I really think this stuff is the tops.

FALCON: Cool. But just so you know, nobody says "the tops" anymore. What are you looking for anyway?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Hammer played right into one of Stark's blind spots. He threw a machine at Tony. And Stark believes he's master of all machines. Woah. Right there.

FALCON: Those are undifferentiated micro-clusters. Tiny machines--

CAPTAIN AMERICA: That can be repurposed in response to new programing, right? Futura. Never miss an issue. Tony thought the Adaptoid was scanning us for weaknesses. But it can do more than that. Better call him.

[BOTH YELL]

HAMMER: Gentlemen, you left so soon. Our little test wasn't over. See, first Super-Adaptoid learns, then he adapts. Capisce?

FALCON: He hit me with a repulsor blast just like yours. What is this?

IRON MAN: Don't quote me on this, but, uh, I've got no idea.

HAMMER: Soil your armor yet, Stark?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Hammer's machine wasn't scanning us for weakness. It was learning.

IRON MAN: I got it, Cap!

HAMMER: When was the last time you tasted uni-beam, Stark?

IRON MAN: Taste this!

HAMMER: Stuff it, Stark!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Iron Man!

IRON MAN: No one unibeams me!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: That's not gonna work!

[IRON MAN SCREAMS]

HAMMER: You should listen to your team.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: You still don't get it.

HAMMER: Smooth. I'll have to remember that one. The beauty part is recalling you're every move, shouldn't be a problem. I feel like causing trouble. You feel like stopping me?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Gonna listen to me now?

IRON MAN: You bet. Soon as I remind Hammer that anything he can build, I can break.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Tony!

FALCON: Don't worry, I got him!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: This doesn't look anything like listening.

HULK: I hate robots.

THOR: Aye. Shall we begin the smashing, then?

[HULK ROARS]

FALCON: As Adaptoid is hit with new weapons, energy, or powers, it can copy them by creating new devices, new weapons and new tactics. Like that one.

IRON MAN: What's the game, Hammer? You don't get to be superhero of the future by attacking us over New York city.

HAMMER: True. Maybe that was a little fib on my part. Maybe I have bigger plans for the Adaptoid. And I bet you just wish you knew what they were.

IRON MAN: Well, that wasn't ominous at all. Hmm? Turbines approximating Falcon's speed, my repulsor tech, Hulk's excess density and strength, Cap's shield, obviously. How did you figure it out, Sam? –

FALCON: I didn't. It was Cap.

IRON MAN: Cap? I hate it when he's right… especially when it means I'm wrong.

THOR: Go back to school, robot. [CRASH] [GRUNTS] That was a good jest, yes?

HULK: Just light it up. [THUNDER CRASHES]

HAMMER: It's not going to be that easy!

THOR: Ha! We were not finished!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Ready up, Avengers. This isn't over yet. I have a strategy --

IRON MAN: We're all good, Cap. That thing just took a face full of Hulk and kajillion volts of Asgardian lighting. It's toast.

HAMMER: Really? You're the ones about to burn.

[ALL CRY OUT]

CAPTAIN AMERICA: When are you going to learn? It's learning our moves and mimicking our powers. We have to try a new way of doing things, different than we're used to.

FALCON: I'm on it!

HAMMER: Bring it on, little bird.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: If the Adaptoid can steal what our moves are, - then we can't be ourselves.

HAWKEYE: Ooh! I call handsome billionaire.

HAMMER: You're all limited by years of experience, hardened into habit. But all my Adaptoid does is grow and change and learn.

HULK: Learning takes too long. [ROARS]

IRON MAN: Let's try a combined assault. If we can overwhelm him, we can wipe that smirk off his face. Come on!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Keep it occupied! We need better tools!

IRON MAN: Avengers, attack!

HAMMER: You don't think a Adaptoid can handle you all at once?

[ALL SCREAM]

IRON MAN: Hawkeye, missiles!

HAWKEYE: I am all over them.

HAMMER: Good boy! But can you stand some Falcon power mixed with Thor-brand lighting?

HAWKEYE: Whoa! My hair!

HAMMER: Oh, no, no, no. Sneak attack? That will not do.

[THOR CRIES OUT] All taken care of except –

IRON MAN: Me!

HAMMER: Zap!

[IRON MAN GRUNTS]

HAMMER: Ha! Too bad you don't know how to adapt. Now, where were we? Time to put your metal where your mouth is, Iron Man.

J.A.R.V.I.S.: System failure.

HAMMER: Ah, Tony. -- May I call you Tony?

IRON MAN: No.

HAMMER: Are you man enough to admit my hardware is bigger and much, much better than yours? Where's the famous Stark snark, huh? Finally bowing to the better man? [COMPUTER WHIRS]

IRON MAN: Here's a tip. When you're busy monologuing, you're not busy noticing that your butt's about to get beat red, white, and blue.

HAMMER: Huh? [SCREAMS]

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Copycats never get far, Hammer. Hope you know you're finished.

HAMMER: Finished? Not nearly.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: All right, new plan.

IRON MAN: Everyone accounted for? Cap!

HAMMER: Run away? I'm faster. Hide? I'll find you. Adaptoid's mastered all your tricks, remember? I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but there wasn't much to learn tech-wise from a relic like you. Before we wrap this up, I want to patch in a friend to enjoy this victory. Skull, are you getting this?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Figures you're not alone.

HAMMER: So, tell me, how's my audition going for you so far, huh?

RED SKULL: Impressive. But, Herr Hammer, I must caution you not to underestimate Captain America. He's more formidable than you can imagine.

HAMMER: He's puny. And old. And no match for my modern mechanical mayhem. I am good.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Cornered. Just what I wanted.

HAMMER: Ha! My tech was too much for tired old Captain America? Guess our little experiment is finally over.

[CAPTAIN AMERICA PANTS]

IRON MAN: Cap, what are you doing?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: It's called adapting.

IRON MAN: Great plan. Expect the Aven-Jet has a monster-sized hole in it, and any second you're going to run out of air.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Um I meant to do that.

HAMMER: [LAUGHS] I'm surprised at you. Aren't you the one who keeps telling Stark not to use the same old moves? What a shame.

HAMMER: Huh?

IRON MAN: Cap, hang tight. We're on our way. ETA, two minutes.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Okay, but just wait for my signal.

IRON MAN: Wait, what signal?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: You'll know it. Got to go.

HAMMER: You are a wily one, Mr. America.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: It's Captain. And I meant for you to catch my shield.

HAMMER: Huh? [EXPLOSION] Nice touch. But I've already taken down gods and monsters. You're just a man. So it's only a matter of time.

[ARROWS WHIZ]

HAMMER: And still going. Let's face facts, Cap. You're not going to win this fight because you borrowed a bow and arrow.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: You tech-heads are all the same. You always forget one simple variable. Good old-fashioned guts.

HAMMER: [GRUNTS] Why can't I hit you?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: You copied the moves of the teammates I spar with every day. Now, I know your robot better than you do. For example, Thor always drops his left guard. Like that! And Falcon always flares his wings whenever he's thrown for a loop. Like that!

[STATIC HISSES]

HAMMER: Yeah? Well, maybe you know them, but I bet you don't know yourself as well as you think.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I'll take that bet. See 90% of the time I dodge to the right when I throw my shield. But never in front of a window.

HAMMER: Huh? [GRUNTS]

CAPTAIN AMERICA: That was the signal, in case you missed it!

HAMMER: Aw, pig's feet.

IRON MAN: Time to end this, don't you think?

THOR: School is out for summer!

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES] [EXPLOSION]

IRON MAN: Cap? Come out, come out, wherever you are. If you're still alive. Oh, man, I hope you're still alive. Cap!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Tony!

IRON MAN: So that was your plan? Trash the Aven-Jet and shoot it into space?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Don't worry, Tony. I'll lend you a book on home repair. But wait, you do know what a book is, right?

IRON MAN: Yeah. There are a few old-fashioned things worth keeping around.

HAMMER: I deserve to be in the cabal. Next time, it'll work better. You got to understand, this is just a minor setback, okay?

RED SKULL: Indeed. But I'm afraid your services will not be required.

HAMMER: Aw, come on! I'm begging you. Give me another chance. I almost beat them. I almost --

RED SKULL: Imbecile. But still, an imbecile with an important tool. M.O.D.O.K, do you have what you need to rebuild it?

M.O.D.O.K.: Some of it. Most of the machine burned up on re-entry, so it's only about 20% viable. But it's already healing itself.

RED SKULL: Hammer failed in his audition for our little cabal, but his machine did not. All it needs is a better pilot.

IRON MAN: Okay, wait a second. So, explain to me again how you memorized all our moves without the aid of a single machine.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: You just wouldn't understand good old-fashioned human ingenuity.

IRON MAN: Maybe. Maybe not. But I'd be willing to… learn.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: In that case…

IRON MAN: Humbled and impressed in one day. I think I hate today.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Impressed by this? It's just a little something I whipped up on my handy dandy Starkpad. Now, let's go over the battle.

IRON MAN: Hold on -- I want to take notes.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Learning.