The Ballad of Badbeard

(Scene opens up showing Camp Phineas and Ferb.)

Grandpa Clyde: (Playing bugle)

Phineas: (Gasping) It sounds like somebody strangling a cat! It must be Grandpa! Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!

Baljeet: (Coughing) I cannot believe we ate the same food.

Buford: (Burps) Believe it.

Candace: Grandma, would you show me where the shower is?

Grandma Betty Jo: Shower? Why, sure honey. Would you like a massage and a fruity drink too? How about a manicure and a mud facial while you lay by the pool eating crab cakes?

Candace: I can do without the sarcasm.

(Scene switches to the kids finishing their breakfast by the campfire.)

Grandpa Clyde: Chow time's over, campers. Time for our nature walk to Badbeard Lake.

Phineas: Why do they call it Badbeard Lake?

Grandpa Clyde: Well, it's a body of fresh water surrounded by land-

Phineas: No, the Badbeard part.

Grandpa Clyde: Oh, right. It was named after Badbeard, the most ruthless freshwater pirate ever to plunder a lakeside community.

Kids: Cool!

Grandpa Clyde: And in the middle of Badbeard Lake lies Spleen Island, where legend has it Badbeard buried his bountiful booty. Heh!

Phineas: Booty?

Grandpa Clyde: You know, treasure.

Kids: (Gasps) Treasure?

Grandpa Clyde: Aye, mateys- Oh, just a sec. (Marker squeaks) Arrrgh!

Phineas: Why are you talking like a pirate, Grandpa?

Grandpa Clyde: Arrrgh! I'm trying to tell the story of Badbeard the Pirate. There's a song about it. Say, does anyone have a concertina? Buford?

Buford: Me? (Pulls out concertina) Yes.

(Song: The Ballad of Badbeard)

Grandpa Clyde: Arg, arg, arg, arg, this is the Ballad of Badbeard (X2)

(Birds chirping)

Phineas: That's it?

Grandpa Clyde: Well, I didn't say it was much of a song. So, meet me at the trail head in 5 minutes.

Kids: Aye, aye, Captain Grandpa!

Grandpa Clyde: That's the spirit!

Baljeet: (Stretching out his overalls) Oh, dear. I seem to be missing my underpants.

Buford: (Laughs)

(Scene switches to the kids, Grandpa Clyde, and Grandma Betty Jo on their nature walk.)

Grandpa Clyde: You see kids, wherever you go, the forest is teeming with life for us to step on. Remember, always stick to the trail so you won't get lost. And whatever you do, never touch the orange moss on the right side of a Jum-Jum tree.

Candace: Boring. I'm calling Stacy.

Grandpa Clyde: Left is right. Right is wrong.

Candace: I can't get any reception up here.

Grandpa Clyde: So stay clear of the orange moss. The slightest touch, and the orange moss will absorb through the skin, causing wild hallucinations.

Candace: Huh? Oh no! Was that the right side or the wrong side? No, wait. The left side was the right side. (Gasps) Moss! Orange! (Screams; Runs off)

Grandpa Clyde: Thar she blows mateys. Badbeard Lake.

Kids: Ooh!

Grandpa Clyde: And thar be Spleen Island. The bones of them that hunted the treasure all be lyin' below in Davy Jones's locker.

Phineas: Cool!

Grandpa Clyde: Let's go!

(Song: The Ballad of Badbeard)

All: Arg, arg, arg, arg, this is the Ballad of Badbeard! Arg, arg...

Grandma Betty Jo: Candace? Where's Candace?

...This is the Ballad of Badbeard!

(Scene switches to Perry walking in the forest.)

Perry: (Puts on his fedora, takes out a remote, and presses its button, when it doesnt work presses a few more times.)

(Agent E swoops down and carries Agent P to her nest. She puts on her fedora. They both turn thier attention to one of the eggs in the nest)

(Egg cracks)

Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P, and thank you for your help, Agent E. Sorry to alarm you, Agent P, but we're remodeling our regular base here. Actually, my wife's doing it Mexican-country style. Distressed wood, wrought iron. It should all be very- Woah! Hey, woah! Hey, Agent E, back off! Anyway, Agent E has spotted Dr. Doofenshmirtz on Spleen Island. He's moving boxes and equipment into what's known as the haunted cave of the old sea hag. Honestly, I'm not making this stuff up. But anyway, we believe he's creating a new hideout there, and we want you to foil his plans. Good luck, Agent P.

Candace: (After seeing Perry) No way. This is so weird. I see Perry with an eagle, and their both dressed up like secret agents and they're talking to man inside an egg. (Snickers) That is so messed up. It must be the moss. Hey, wait a minute. How did I get way up here? (Screams, Coughs; Eagle calls)

Now Perry has a wetski? (Gasps) How strange can this get?

Talking Zebra: Oh, it gets much stranger, Kevin.

Candace: (Screams)

(Scene switches to a beach where the kids and Grandpa Clyde are now at.)

Buford: En garde, you scurvy dog!

Baljeet: Ha! I don't even know what scurvy is!

Phineas: Hey! I know what we should do today! Let's be real pirates, and go find Badbeard's treasure.

Grandpa Clyde: (Laughs) Sure, knock yourselves out. I was just about your age when I first heard about Badbeard's treasure. I'd come up here every summer and search for it. But I felt drawn by the excitement and adventure. Of course, then I discovered girls and the rest is a blur. I never found the treasure, but I did find a treasure map.

Buford: Treasure map? Hey!

Baljeet: (Laughs) Woah..!

Grandpa Clyde: But be warned, mateys. They say Badbeard's treasure comes with a curse!

Kids: A curse?

Grandpa Clyde: Aye! Them who disturb the treasure of Badbeard shall be cursed with bad beards for the rest of their days.

Phineas: You mean we'll be stuck with a big ugly beard on our face for the rest of our lives?

Buford: That's gnarly.

Grandpa Clyde: Well, while you kids search for treasure, I better go search for Grandma. Wish there was a map for that.

(Scene switches to Candace)

(Men vocalizing)

Candace: (Screaming)

(Scene switches to the beach)

Phineas: Okay, troops. We set sail from Point Plots, sail through the Stones of Gall, and into the Cove of Incontinence, and then continue on foot into the Dark Tunnel of Doom. Well, that sounds delightful. And "X" marks the spot. Easy-peasy. First thing we gotta do is, we make Grandpa's secondhand dingy into a first-rate pirate ship. Ferb, any ideas?

Ferb: (Takes out small piece of folded paper, unfolds it into a giant blueprint)

Phineas: Woah. Impressive.

(Scene switches to Perry driving the jet-ski into a cave)

(Engine revving)

Candace: Hehhehheh, hehheh, ee-ee-ee-ee, hahahaheeheehee.

Doofenshmirtz: Is that the cable company? So, Mr. Cable Man, you don't carry the Evil Science Channel? What's up with—Perry the Platypus? Oh, give me a break! I-I'm moving, legally. I bought this place, and cheap too. It's supposed to be haunted by a terrifying old sea hag. (Laughs) Look, Perry the Platypus, just because I'm evil doesn't mean everything I do is evil.

''(Camera pans to Perry, then Doofenshmirtz, back to Perry, then back to Doofenshmirtz])' '' Fine! You want evil, Perry the Platypus? I'll give you evil!

(Song: The Ballad of Badbeard)

Phineas: Avast, me 'arties!

We're sailing for the Island of Spleen to search for the treasure of Badbeard

Holly: I'm feeling sick.

Gretchen: You're looking green.

All: We search for the treasure of Badbeard

Buford: We'll plunder and pillage

Baljeet: And do some math

Ferb: And all refuse to take a bath

Isabella: We seek adventure and romance

Baljeet: I'm running out of underpants

All but Ferb: There's ghosts who haunt the cave and worse

Skull: It's guarded by a pirate's curse

Candace: Why do my nostrils whisper to me?

Ferb: (Rings bell)

All: Arg, arg, arg, arg, this is the Ballad of Badbeard (X2)

(Scene switches to the kids entering the Tunnel of Doom.)

Phineas: This is it. The Tunnel of Doom. Just like on the map.

(Bird chirps)

Isabella: Are you sure we're going the right way?

Phineas: Sure I'm sure. We just follow Ferb. He's got the map.

(Wind blows map)

Phineas: Uh oh. Oh well, I'm pretty sure it's straight forward from here. Heh, heh.

Isabella: It doesn't look very safe.

Buford: I think you better test it.

Phineas: No problem. It'll hold us.

(Bridge creaks)

No, wait! Not all at once!

All: (Screaming)

(Monster roaring)

Phineas: Run for it!

Isabella: Oh my gosh! Buford, what are you doing?

Buford: Look! I found these nifty hand puppets!

Isabella: Well stop fooling around and let's go.

Buford: Oh, all right.

Baljeet: This place is creeping me out. If I had any underpants, I am sure they would have been soiled.

Isabella: Phineas, we're not getting lost, are we?

Buford: Yeah, Dinner Bell. What if there is no treasure?

Baljeet: Perhaps the real treasure is true friendship and the spirit of adventure.

Phineas: Nah, there it is over there. "X" marks the spot.

Isabella: Look. There's the chest.

Baljeet: But who d-dare open it?

Phineas: I'll open it.

Isabella: But Phineas, what about the curse?

Buford: Bad beards forever, dude.

Baljeet: You don't even have a chin.

Phineas: That's a chance I'll have to take. Shiver me timbers! The curse is true! We will have bad beards forever!

Isabella/Baljeet/Buford: Oh no!

Phineas: It's full of bad fake beards.

(Scene switches to the cave)

Doofenshmirtz: Now, Perry the Platypus, why don't you say hello to my new pet crocodiles? Susan and Susan. I named them after each other. Now, prepare to be delicious!

Candace: (Laughing maniacally)

Doofenshmirtz: (Gasps) The sea hag!

Candace: The pharmacist!

(Perry jumps out of the trap)

Hey Perry, I'm gonna get a snack from the vending machine. You want something? Suit yourself. I'm gonna have me some beef jerky! (Presses button)

Computer Voice: Island Self Destruct Sequence activated.

Candace: (Alarm beeping) Wait, my beef jerky!

Doofenshmirtz: AAH! Someone always finds my self-destruct button! (Sighs) Curse you, Perry the Platypus, blah blah blah.

(Scene switches to the kids)

Phineas: These are the best bad beards ever!

(Rumbling)

Quick, grab as many beards as you can carry and let's get out of here!

(Rumbling continues, Rock music)

(Monster roaring, Crashes through tunnel)

Cast off. Put your backs into it, mateys.

(Scene switches to Perry and Candace running out of the cave)

Candace: WEE!

Agent E: (Grabs Perry and Candace; Drops them at the ship)

(Kids clamoring)

Phineas: By the way, where's Per- Oh, never mind.

Candace: Perry, what happened to your cute little secret agent hat?

Phineas: Well Ferb, me ol' matey, our first time out as pirates, and we come home with a bounty of beards.

Ferb: And perhaps the greatest pirate story ever told.

(Scene switches to a close-up of Grandpa Clyde)

Grandpa Clyde: Wow, that's the greatest pirate story ever told!

Grandma Betty Jo: Oh. How are you feeling, honey?

Candace: Oh, better. Thanks, Grandma. Can you believe I actually thought Perry was a secret agent?

(Perry chatters)

Well, I learned my lesson. Stay away from the orange moss.

Grandma Betty Jo: The orange moss? Is that what your Grandpa said? Oh, he always gets that wrong. It's the blue moss you gotta watch out for.

Candace: W-what?

Grandma Betty Jo: I guess it was all in your head. Well, that's the power of suggestion for you. You get some rest now, sweetie.

Candace: The blue moss. What? Ohh.

Talking Zebra: (Appears out of no where, knitting) Love the beard, Kevin.

End Credits
(Song: The Ballad of Badbeard)

Phineas: Avast, me 'arties!

We're sailing for the Island of Spleen to search for the treasure of Badbeard

Holly: I'm feeling sick.

Gretchen: You're looking green.

All: We search for the treasure of Badbeard

Buford: We'll plunder and pillage

Baljeet: And do some math

Ferb: And all refuse to take a bath

Isabella: We seek adventure and romance

Baljeet: I'm running out of underpants

All but Ferb: There's ghosts who haunt the cave and worse

Skull: It's guarded by a pirate's curse

Ferb: (Rings bell)

All: Arg, arg, arg, arg, this is the ballad of Badbeard (X2)

Buford: Bad beards forever, dude.