Battle of the Networks' Stars

Gassie sketch.

Announcer: (singing) Some dogs beg, some dogs bark. This one saves the day... with farts! (speaking) It's time for another adventure of Gassie The Toot'n Pooch.

Farmhouse. The farmer was calling somebody on his cellphone.

Farmer (Grady): Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, sir. Bye now. (hangs up) (disappointed) Oh, no.

Gassie farts.

Farmer (Grady): Whoa, the mayor. He's coming over for dinner and he wants to eat beef stroganoff. I don't know how to make beef stroganoff!

Granny (Tawni): Well, don't look at me! I can't even pronounce "brif stroganoff".

Farmer (Grady): Well, what am I gonna do?

Gassie farts.

Farmer (Grady): Get one pound of top sirloin...

Gassie farts.

Farmer (Grady): Six tablespoons of butter.

Gassie farts.

Farmer (Grady): One-third cup of chopped scallions?

Gassie farts.

Farmer (Grady): But I can substitute onions.

Gassie farts.

Farmer (Grady): One-half pound of cremini mushrooms, salt and pepper to taste.

Gassie farts.

Farmer (Grady): Noodles? Well, what kind, Gassie?

Gassie farts.

Farmer (Grady): One-third cup of chopped scallions?

Gassie farts.

Farmer (Grady): How wide is extra-wide, Gassie? Come on, hurry up, the mayor! He's on his way!



The mayor eats the beef stroganoff and passes it to Granny.

Mayor (Nico): Arlo, as mayor, I hereby declare this to be the best beef stroganoff this side of the town I'm the mayor of.

Granny (Tawni): Ohh!

Farmer (Grady): Thanks, Gassie. I couldn't have done it without ya.

Gassie farts.

Farmer (Grady): What's that Gassie? I don't understand.

Gassie farts.

Farmer (Grady): Well if it wasn't you then who wa-- (to Granny) Granny!

Granny (Tawni): Not me!

Mayor (Nico): No, that was me. Beef stroganoff makes me gassy.

Farmer and Granny (Grady and Tawni): (to Mayor) Mayor!

Announcer: This has been another adventure of Gassie the Wonder Dog.



Opening Credits



Condor Studio Cafe.

Sonny: Guys, I have a confession to make. I asked for a water cup and I filled it up with soda.

Sonny sits at a table with three people that look like Nico, Grady, and Tawni.

Sonny: And, you're not Nico, Grady, or Tawni. (laughs) I was kidding about the soda.

Sonny sits at another table with three other Nico, Grady, and Tawni look-alikes.

Sonny: Something's happening to me, and it's happening again. Oh, no! It's that dream where I end up on TV wearing nothing but a hat.

Nico and Grady walk into the cafe. Grady shakes hands with another Nico look-alike.

Grady: Hey, what is up, Nico, my man! My man! You were great in that Gassie sketch. Just funny!

Nico: I'm standing right next to you.

Grady: No, you're right over there sitting next to me! And there, and the... (gasps) (to Nico) Dude, this means our time machine has worked!

Nico: That wasn't a time machine, it was a clock! And you...

Grady: No!

Nico: And that's not me!

Grady: No!

Nico: And those aren't Sonny! And those aren't...

Tawni gasps, slaps a Grady look-alike's hand.

Tawni: Then who the heck are you?!

Nico: Now that's definitely Tawni.

Tawni runs up to Nico and Grady and they run up to Sonny.

Nico: What is going on in here?! Sonny, are we in your stupid hat dream?

Sonny: I have no idea what's going on.

Chad talks through a bullhorn.

Chad: Okay, first up will be Group 1, "So Random!"

Sonny: Chad, what is all this? I should've known you were behind it. Why are you dressed like a paperboy?

Chad: I'm casting a TV movie about my life, "Chad Dylan Cooper: The Chad Dylan Cooper Story", a Chad Dylan Cooper Production. I need lookalikes to play the losers from "So Random!" No offense. (through the bullhorn) Well-gone loser, you're up next.

Sonny: Wait, you're auditioning people to play us?

Nico: We got the actual losers right here!

Sonny: Hey, we're not losers.

Grady snatches the bullhorn from Chad and blows breath through it.

Grady: (imitating Darth Vader) I am your father.