Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad

Hey-o! What is up, bitches?

I'm trying to revamp my MySpace page, but Dennis keeps criticizing... every move that I make.

What is that?

What in the hell is a MySpace page?

It's, like, that friends forum.

These things are pretty awesome.

You create a profile, put your picture on there... other people send you pictures and want to be your friend.

Oh. So that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You guys are losers.

How are we losers, dude?

Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy.

Computers are for losers.

You're drinking a beer at 8:00 in the morning.

Whatever, dude. Irrelevant.

Holy sh1t!

This guy's been trying to contact me for, like, two weeks now... and I've just been blowing him off.

But he's saying that he's our dad.

Awesome. Crazy person.

Let me see.

No. Not awesome. Because look at the pictures he's sending.

Oh! Oh, look at that!

See?

That's your mom, dude!

There's, like...

There's, like, a ton of pictures of this guy and your mom.

Oh, you know what?

He does kind of look like you, Dennis.

Don't jump to any conclusions here.

This is bullshit! You guys have two dads, and I don't even have one.

Yeah! That is bullshit!

We don't even have one.

Wh-What are you talking about?

You have a father.

Yeah. But he's in prison.

He's been there my whole life. It doesn't count.

That does count!

I never met my father!

Take it easy, all right?

This guy's not our dad.

I don't know.

This is really freaking me out.

Look, Dee, this guy can't be our dad.

That's ridiculous.

Is it? Is it any more ridiculous than our dad having brown eyes... black hair and being 4'10"?

This is really a nice place.

It's about time you kids show me some respect.

It doesn't really have anything to do with respect.

We just wanted to take you to a fancy place so that you would behave yourself.

Yeah, yeah.

We need to talk to you about something, Dad.

Shoot.

It's kind of disturbing.

You two aren't banging, are you?

What?

No! What are you talking about?

That's disgusting.

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Stay away from that kind of thing.

No good can come of it. Trust me.

That's not what we're here to talk about.

It better not be... because I don't want no... grandkids.

I am not banging my sister.

Jesus Christ! What have I walked into here?

Oh, my God.

You two aren't having s*x together?

No, we're not having s*x together.

What the hell is she doing here?

Sit down, please, Mom. Sit.

I am not getting pulled into any sort of perverted s*x talk.

It's not perverted.

Banging your sister is perverted, Dennis.

I am not banging my sister!

God!

Can you just sit, please?

Please sit in the chair. Please sit in the chair.

Frank.

Barbara.

Your turkey neck is looking exceptionally attractive this evening.

You have turned into a retarded person.

You're a retard.

Can we use some adult language, just for a couple minutes?

Let's get to it. There's this guy Bruce who contacted Dee on MySpace... and he's claiming to be our biological father.

We just wanted to ask the question and just get it out of the way.

Is there a chance that that could be possible?

No.

Yes.

What?

Well, Bruce who? Bruce Mathis?

Yeah.

Then, yes.

There's a chance this guy could be our father?

No. Yes, he is your father.

What the hell are you talking about?

Do we really have to get into all of this?

My God! Yes.

Yes, we really have to get into all this!

Everybody settle down.

It's not the end of the world.

A long time ago, I met Bruce and we had this little affair, or whatever you want to call it.

Long story short, he got me pregnant, and I had to make a decision.

Seeing as he had no money, I decided that the best thing for everyone... was if I didn't tell Bruce and let your father think that the twins were his.

End of story.

End of story?

How could you do that?

Oh, I'm sorry. Would you rather I had them aborted?

Children, would you like to have been aborted?

I can't believe this.

I just can't believe this!

Okay, Dad. Keep your voice down.

You whore!

Keep it down, okay?

Please don't make a scene.

Don't make a scene.

Sit back down.

Oh, no! I'm not gonna make a scene!

I was just told, excuse me... that my horrible, whore wife... has tricked me into raising two bastards... for 30 years, and I'm being asked to not make a scene!

Whoa! Oh, excuse me?

Oh, did you bang my wife? Huh?

Did you bang my whore wife?

Does anybody here have any illegitimate children with my whore wife... that I should know about?

Jesus, Frank!

Jesus! Jesus, Frank!

Jesus, Frank! Jesus, Frank!

Jesus, Frank!

Jes... Oh! Jesus, Frank!

My life is a lie! My life is a lie!

Somebody's got to get stabbed!

Somebody's got to get sta...

No...

Sta... Sta...

Let's get out of here.

So, Dad.

Kind of a funny story.

Turns out my friends got some weird news the other day about their biological father... and it got me to thinking, uh, about maybe, you know, reconnecting with mine.

Uh-huh.

And, you know, Charlie never had a father.

And, uh, I thought that maybe the three of us... could all become, like... like, friends or something.

Really? Well, okay.

I'll tell you what.

Maybe I got something for you.

It's a father-son type of thing, huh?

Yeah.

You see, I got a little business I been running in here the last couple of years.

I was thinking of expanding, and I'm gonna need some people on the outside.

Some really badass, tough guys.

I like where you're going with this.

I think you came to the right place.

What do you guys know about... smuggling heroin through your anus?

You definitely look good.

That's not what I'm saying.

I just think you need to tuck it in in the back.

In the back?

Yeah. You button the top button and then they tuck it in in the back.

It is tucked in the back.

Is it?

Is it bunchy?

It's not bunchy.

Let me see. That's exactly it.

How do I look?

That's gonna impress your dad, right?

It is gonna impress my dad.

You piece of sh1t!

You no-good piece of sh1t!

Whoa, whoa, Frank!

What's going on in here? What happened?

I had a minor stroke. No big deal.

What's with the gun, dude?

I'm trying to find the son of a bitch who fathered my children.

What? By doing MySpace?

Yeah. And I did everything they said to do.

I put a picture, a profile.

The thing won't tell me where the b*st*rd lives.

Did you send him a friend request?

I don't want to be his friend.

I want to shoot him in the face. Can you help me?

No. You...

Yes, absolutely. But no killing.

Needs to be killed.

Doesn't need to be killed.

He could take a good ass whupping.

And we're down with that.

Are you crazy?

No, dude!

Give us one second here.

Charlie.

This is our opportunity to prove to people that we are to be respected.

No one is more respected than dudes in prison, right?

Yeah.

And what are dudes in prison?

Hard?

Right. This is our chance to get hard.

Okay. I just don't know if this is the best way to get hard.

Of course it is.

This is totally hard.

You want to get hard, don't you?

I want to get hard.

I want to get very, very hard.

Do you want to shove heroin into your ass?

I don't want to shove anything in my ass.

This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are and not shove anything into our asses!

What in God's name are you two talking about?

Frank, we're in.

Great.

Oh, God! This is so weird.

I'm really nervous.

I really hope he's not an asshole.

I don't think I can handle two asshole dads.

Are these my beautiful children?

I just... I can't believe what a miracle this is after all these years.

Oops.

You know, I loved your mother more than I can say.

And I'm sure she had her reasons, but she never told me.

Yeah. Well, this whole thing is very strange for all of us.

Yeah.

We've got a lot to catch up on.

Yeah. Tell us about yourself.

Yeah.

Where to begin, uh...

I met your mom here in, uh... in Philadelphia.

It was just before I shipped off to Alaska with Greenpeace.

I do a lot of environmental work and work with kids. - Mm-hmm.

And we were in Alaska.

And then we went to Africa, to the Sudan.

We... Here.

This... This is my adopted family.

Oh.

You adopted them?

Yup. In fact, um...

Huh.

Hello. Those are your brothers and sisters.

Your family just got a little bigger today.

It sure... It sure did.

You want to know their names?

No. We'll do that later. We'll do that later because it's... it's hard to remember.

Okay, thank you very much.

And anything here, at all times, is yours.

Anything in my life is yours.

These are cool speakers.

Yep. They're yours. Take 'em. Take 'em.

No, no. I was kidding.

It was just a joke, I think.

But if you want them, just...

Uh... Africa.

Yes. Yes, Africa.

Right? Sudan.

I went from the Sudan...

I was in Darfur.

We had a water-purification program there.

So much work to be done there.

And then I-I...

I spent a little time in Afghanistan.

We were doing a literacy program for women who were resisting the Taliban.

Well, for better or worse, I came back here a couple of years ago.

And I think it was for better, 'cause I'm doing this work... uh, starting some programs for Sacred Cross Hospital, which I think is very promising.

And... ah!

My story is boring. L...

What about you?

What are your passions?

You know, what are you doing with your lives?

There's been a lot of...

Oh, so many things we do.

Phases.

Oh, God. Where do you begin?

Yeah.

Something like...

I know. I know. It's...

A lot of different...

Chapters.

Kinds of... kinds of things.

I want to hear anyth...

Just tell me chapter one.

Well, a lot of this kind of stuff, right here.

Yeah.

These guys.

A lot of...

These guys are important to us.

I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Son of a piece of sh1t!

Hey, you gotta relax there, Frank.

Seriously, bro.

You're gonna have another stroke.

He won't make me his friend. How am I gonna find him if he won't make me his friend?

Be patient. It's a process.

Yeah, bro. Come on.

It's been days.

I got no friends.

Stop saying that. You have friends.

I got you. I got this guy Tom.

And that crazy woman who claims we had a one-night stand 30 years ago.

Right, yeah. Tom doesn't really count though.

He kind of, like, comes with it.

Screw this! I'm gonna just follow Dennis and Dee around.

Sooner or later, they're gonna bump into this b*st*rd.

And we're gonna just jump him and beat him over the head with a baseball bat!

Frank, come on.

They're gonna see that coming a mile away.

Man, we need to be more devious, more cunning!

Uh, that's not very hard.

That's some weak ass-buster sh1t, bro.

This b*st*rd destroyed my lineage.

He must be smashed.

We're gonna smash him, friend.

We're gonna smash him good. We know people.

Look, Frank, uh, we know a guy on the inside we can talk to.

He might be willing to help us out with the situation here.

You guys are fast.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks, Dad.

Okay. Now, here's how it's gonna work.

I'll have a guy meet you in the bathroom in about 10 minutes.

Now he doesn't mind sifting through the feces, so don't hold back.

Uh, yeah, here's the thing about that, Dad.

We don't have anything in our butts.

No. We don't have anything in our butts.

We're working on that.

But we're still hard.

Yeah. Oh, you should see how hard we're getting.

Oh, we are getting so hard.

It's, like... Whew!

We actually came by 'cause we need your help.

Yeah.

Let me get this straight.

You come to me empty-handed and you want my help?

Yeah. And, look, we are really, really sorry about that, Dad.

But if you could give us some advice on how to handle a certain situation... then we promise we will come back with our butts filled.

Oh, so filled.

So filled for you.

We need to find our friends' father so that we can give him a serious beating.

Oh, we're gonna kick the crap out of this guy.

And check it out.

We can't find him.

All right. All right. Why don't you just follow your friends around for a while?

They're bound to contact him at some point.

When they do, just jump him.

Beat him with a baseball bat.

That's pretty badass.

That could work.

Now, you listen to me.

Do not come back here... without anything up those asses!

Okay?

Okay.

Thank you! Thank you.

Thank you, Philadelphia.

The Juvenile Lupus Association thanks you, and the children thank you.

Oh, saving the kids, huh?

Yeah, I guess.

Those little angels, they're the future.

That's my dad up there.

He put this whole shindig together.

Really?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, I mean, I helped, of course.

I mean, this whole lupus nightmare has gone on long enough... you know?

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, sometimes a father has the privilege... of playing a little music with his daughter.

Would you please welcome Deandra Reynolds?

Juvenile Lupus Association.

What a bunch of bullshit.

Mac, I got one question for you.

What?

What's the plan again?

Are you kidding me?

I swear, Charlie, you're, like, a retard.

What we're gonna do is we're gonna bash him with the bat when he comes out.

You want to huff some of this glue with me?

No! Put the glue away!

Please. Huff a little with me, dude.

All right, fine.

Fine!

We just need to keep an edge.

We got to stay hard, dude, because you can't do it if...

This is Elmer's glue, for Christ sakes, Charlie!

Do you have the camera?

Yeah, I got the camera!

I just don't know what it's for, Mac!

I'm gonna bash you with this!

When he comes out, I'm gonna smash his face.

You're gonna take a picture.

We're gonna show it to my dad...

Show it to your dad.

To prove how hard we are!

Whoo!

Oww!

Whoo!

No, dude. We shouldn't do this.

I'm backing out.

You can't back out.

Frank is waiting in the car.

He's gonna be pissed if we don't finish the job.

Let Frank wait in the car.

We owe this to him.

This guy banged Frank's wife.

So did you.

Yeah, but it's different.

How is that different?

I don't know, Charlie! Focus!

There they are.

Just relax, dude.

He's hugging them.

They're hugging him back!

This is crazy. We shouldn't do this.

We should bash all three.

This is it. Let's go.

You ready? Don't be a pussy.

Let's go.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh. Hi.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Can I help you?

Can I help you?

Can I help you?

Uh, okay.

Um...

It's... It's okay. It's okay.

I got it.

Have a good night.

What the hell was that sh1t?

What did you do?

I freaked out.

You totally freaked out! You just left me...

I was gonna hit him.

You left me standing there. I took a picture of the guy.

Hey!

What?

Snap out of it! Okay?

Okay! Yes.

Now we got to think of something to tell Frank.

Okay.

Hey! Look at me.

Yeah?

Ow!

Let's tell him the truth.

Let's tell him the truth.

Blood! Blood! There's so much blood!

What happened?

We bashed him good!

We bashed him so good!

We bashed him good!

I think we killed him.

Drive! Drive! Drive!

Jesus, children! This isn't exactly what Mommy needs right now.

No. No, no, no.

Mom, Bruce is so awesome. He...

We had the best time last night.

Bruce is the coolest.

We went to this lupus event last night. Lupus is awesome!

Amazing.

You should give Bruce another chance.

Barbara.

My God. You still look amazing.

Wow.

The years have treated you well.

I would have thought living in poverty for a quarter of a century... would have taken its toll.

Well, when Father died, I was left with all that money.

There's only so much you can give away before you finally realize... it's okay to spend a little on yourself.

On you.

Yeah, on me.

Father? Wealthy?

I never knew.

I guess it never came up.

So you guys ready?

I am!

I'm up for anything.

Okay. But first things first.

Oh.

Yeah. Let's just put these on.

One for you.

One for me.

Great.

Okay, let's go spread somejoy.

Right. Uh...

Ooh. Okay. Um, hey.

Hey, pal.

How... How you feeling?

It hurts everywhere.

Well...

Well, it... Everything's gonna be okay.

You don't know that, Deandra.

Shut up, Mother.

I don't think we should be lying to the sick children.

I was trying to be encouraging.

What if he doesn't get better? You're gonna look like a fool.

I gotta say I agree with Dee. The kid's gonna die anyway. What difference does it make?

I can hear you.

Oh, you heard...

Well, you know what? Disregard that.

Yeah. You know, we weren't even talking about you.

No. No.

We were talking about your sick and dying friend in the next bed.

Mother! What are you doing?

Nothing!

Oh, my God!

You can't steal the children's medication.

I'm not.

Let me see in your purse! Open your purse up!

Don't be ridiculous!

Really?

Everything okay over here?

Yes.

A slight glitch here.

Um, this is really kind of bumming me out here.

Yeah, this is not fun.

Yes. I'm not exactly sure what it is we're trying to prove.

We're not trying to prove anything.

We're just helping the kids.

Who are we really helping?

Yeah?

I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

Well, listen, it's one thing to rock out, raise some cash.

But it's a totally different thing to put our lives at risk.

Oh, yeah. I mean, there's all these diseases floating around in here.

Yes. I mean, how can we help anyone if we're all getting sick?

I mean, use your head.

Plus, it's freezing in here.

You think you could talk to somebody about cranking the heat up a little?

This isn't good for us.

You're not serious?

I don't think it's a lot to ask to have them turn the temperature up.

It's easy. You just push a button or, like, crank a thing over.

Are you guys getting hungry?

Oh, yes.

I am starving.

Yeah, I could eat.

Is there a cafeteria in the hospital?

No, come on. Gross.

I'm not eating in a hospital cafeteria.

That's a good point.

Brucie, do you know a nice restaurant in the area?

I'm gonna want those noses back.

Please. Give it a rest with that martyr nonsense.

Yeah. Who is he? Patch Adams?

You know who never acts like he cares about kids?

Dad.

Dad.

All right, buddy.

Baking soda, lube, balloons.

This is how it's gonna go.

I'm gonna jam this into your rectum.

And then, woo! Like that, it's gonna expand in your colon, okay?

It's gonna be that big?

Absolutely. You ready? Drop those pants.

Hey, guys. What do you think?

That's a good look. That's a good look for you.

Where're you headed?

I tell you what, I feel like a hundred dollars.

Ever since you guys beat that guy up, I got to thinking. Hey, what am I gonna do? Huh?

Dive into some kind of depression over this? No.

I'm gonna jump right back on the horse.

So I contacted that woman on MySpace who claimed that we had a one-night stand.

Turns out she's single and ready to go.

Give me some skin.

Good work.

There you go, Frankie!

That might be her. Mac, get the door.

Let me clean this up.

Hide that balloon.

That's gonna kill your date.

Where's my dad?

So he's your dad now...

Get out of the way.

Daddy.

Don't Daddy me. You blew your chances with this daddy. You're dead to me.

No. Just listen for a second here, okay?

No. No.

We've had a change of heart.

We've decided to forgive you... and to allow you to be our father again.

I'm not into being your dad anymore.

Don't want to be your dad.

Uh, kinda giving you a second chance here, Dad.

Daddy, yeah.

No. I'm over it.

You can't be over it.

No, no, no.

I'm over it.

He can be over it.

Will you shut up? What is with you two?

I am over over over it!

You're not allowed to be over it!

I can yell at him!

Shh.

Charlie?

Hey, Mom.

What... What are you doing here?

I'm confused. Do you live here?

Yeah.

Bonnie?

Frank!

How do you guys know each other?

This is my date.

Whoa! Wait a second. I thought... you were going on a date with a woman you had a one-night stand with 30 years ago.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So if you guys had a one-night stand 30 years ago, and I don't...

You know, I don't know who my... father...

You could be my...

Dad?