Snow Way Down

''[A snowy road. An SUV drives by]'' Lincoln and McBrides: "♫Dashing through the snow / In a luxury SUV / We're making us some time / Because we stopped to pee, hey!♫" [laugh] Lincoln: [to the viewers] "This is great! My first ever vacation with Clyde and his dads! And if it's anything like their souffles, it's going to be awesome!" [notices something] "Whoa. What is that?" [They're driving by an old ski ramp] Harold: "Oh, that's the Ramp of Insanity. It's a near-vertical drop where you can reach speeds of 100 miles an hour, then get launched 5,000 feet in the air!" Lincoln: "Sweet! Do we get to go on it?" [Howard gasps and passes out] Harold: "And that is why I'm doing the driving. Lincoln, let me translate for Howard: no." Clyde: "Don't worry, buddy. We have tons of other fun stuff to do." [rubs smelling salts in front of Howard's face] Howard: [comes to and stammers] "What happened?" Clyde: "You passed out when we asked about the Ramp of Insanity." Howard: [scared] "The Ramp of Insanity?" [passes out again]

[They arrive at the cabin] Howard: "Here we are!" Lincoln: [leaps out] "Woo-hoo! Race you to the front door!" [starts to run] Harold: [grabs Lincoln] "Ah, ah, ah. Hold on." [Clyde's dads clear the way with salt and a snow mower] Clyde: "My dads don't want us to slip on the ice." Lincoln: "Ah." [They enter the cabin] Lincoln: "Ah. Nice." [tries to rush in] Harold: [grabs Lincoln] "Ah, ah, ah! Hold on." [Now they're polishing the floor] Harold: "Now we're good." Clyde: "My dads don't want us to get splinters." Lincoln: "Ah."

[The boys run out of the cabin and cheer] Clyde: "So, what should we do first? Go sledding?" Lincoln: "I'll grab Big Red II!" Howard: [grabs them] "Ah, ah." [dresses them up in warmer winter clothes] "There. Now we're good." Clyde: "My dads don't want us to get frostbite." Lincoln: "Ah." [They waddle do the door and Lincoln can't reach his arm out to the handle due to his parka] Clyde: "Here. I've had a lot of practice with this." [opens the door with his teeth] Lincoln: "What if I have to pee?" Clyde: "Not a problem. Just give me 15 minutes notice."

[Out in the snowy hills] Lincoln: "Pilot to co-pilot, we are ready for launch!" [They're about to go down when Clyde's Dads appear at the base] Howard and Harold: "Ah, ah!" [Now all the trees have mattresses tied to them] Howard: "Good thing we found that clearance sale on mattresses." Harold: [wrapping Lincoln and Clyde up in bubble wrap] "And on bubble wrap. Now we're good." Lincoln: "Okay...well, this is still gonna be fun. Here we go! Whee!" [doesn't even get the sled budging] "Uh...why aren't we moving?" Harold: "Oh, we called ahead and asked the groundskeeper to level the hillside." Clyde: "My dads don't want us to break our necks." [Lincoln sighs]

[Snowball fight] Lincoln: "Watch out, Clyde! I'm gonna show you no mercy!" Clyde: "Well, I'm gonna show you even less! Unless you want me to, in which case I totally will." Lincoln: "Okay, whatever." Lincoln and Clyde: "Ready, aim, fire!" [toss their snowballs] Howard and Harold: [in slow motion] "NOOOOOO!!!" [take the snowball hits and thud] Lincoln: [facepalms] "What are you-what?" Clyde: "My dads don't want us to end up in the hospital because of an ice ball to the head." [Lincoln grunts in frustration]

[The boys are in the cabin reading comic books] Howard: "Who wants hot chocolate?" [offers them some] Lincoln: "Ooh, I do!" Clyde: "Me too, please!" Howard: "Here you go, boys. Enjoy." [They take the mugs and sip] Lincoln: [stops sipping] "Um, this is kind of cold." Clyde: "Yeah, my dads don't want us to scald the roofs of our mouths." Lincoln: [groans] "Clyde, permission to speak freely?" Clyde: "Granted." Lincoln: "Look. Your dads are awesome, but this trip has made me realize that they are really overprotective." Clyde: "Yeah, maybe a little, but they're just looking out for me." Lincoln: "Clyde, you're wearing a seat belt on the couch!" Clyde: "My dads don't want me to get injured in an earthquake. We are only three states away from a fault line." [Beat of realization] Clyde: [realizes] "Holy shamoly! You're right, Lincoln! This is..." [unbuckles his sofa seat belt] "...crazy! I'm gonna talk to my dads right now!" Lincoln: "Go get 'em, buddy." [The guest room] Clyde: [opens the door] "Dads, do you have a second?" Howard: [still polishing the floor] "Sure. What's up, peanut?" Harold: "Howard! We agreed we wouldn't call him that in case he develops a peanut allergy someday." Howard: "What's up, uh...apple slice?" [worried] "Was the cocoa too hot? I knew I should have put in more ice cubes!" Clyde: "That's exactly what I wanna talk about. I think...I think you guys are too overprotective." [His dads gasp] Clyde: "With the couch seat belts, and the tree mattresses, and the bubble wrap..." [They gasp again] Clyde: "I'm not a little kid anymore. I can take care of myself. You don't have to worry about me so much." Harold: "Worry? We don't worry." Howard: [gets out his phone] "I'm scheduling a group session with Dr. Lopez. We have to talk about this." [speed dials her] Clyde: "No. You don't need to call Dr. Lopez. You just need to let go a little bit." Harold: "What do you think, Howie?" Howard: [teary-eyed] "Well, maybe we could try." [sobs and hugs Harold] Harold: "I agree." Clyde: "You guys are the best. Thank you." [leaves] Howard: [dialing Dr. Lopez] "I'm still calling Dr. Lopez. Just for me."

[The boys are up on the highest hill] Clyde: "Okay, buddy, now the fun really begins." Lincoln: "I'll sled to that." [They fist bump and start sledding down the hill] Lincoln: "Yahoo!" Clyde: "Faster! Faster!" ''[Just then, the sled beeps and unleashes a grappling hook that latches onto the hill, leaving the boys puzzled. It's revealed that Harold pushed a button to make the hook go off]'' Harold: "I'm so sorry. That wasn't supposed to happen." Clyde: [sternly sarcastic] "Well, that's a relief." Harold: "It was supposed to be a parachute." Clyde: "Dads, you said you were going to let go." Howard: "We're sorry, Clyde. We're just not there yet." Harold: "It's a dangerous world and we don't think you're ready to face it on your own." Clyde: "I disagree." Howard: "Why don't we revisit this in another decade?" [Clyde stomps off irritated as the camera pans to the Ramp of Insanity]

[The next day, Howard screams, waking up and startling Lincoln who falls out of bed] Lincoln: [in slight pain] "I should have buckled up." [rushes to the main room and slips on the floor] "Whoa! Smooth floors!" [crashes] "Oof! What's going on?" [Howard stammers and flails his arm while holding something and faints] Harold: "Let me translate for Howard: Clyde's in mortal danger!" Lincoln: "What?" Harold: "We found this note from him when we woke up." [gives it to Lincoln] Lincoln: [reading the note] "Dear dads, I'm off to sled the Ramp of Insanity. I hope this will prove to you that I'm capable of taking care of myself. Love, Clyde. Oh, no! What have I done?!" Harold: "What do you mean?" Lincoln: "Well, after the buffed floors and the couch seat beat and everything, I kind of told him you guys were too overprotective. I'm sorry, I didn't think he'd take it this far." Harold: "It's okay, Lincoln. Just don't tell Howard." Howard: [comes to and grunts] "Tell me what?" Harold: [casually] "Uh, nothing." [chuckles] "Let's just focus on stopping Clyde before he-" Howard: [latches onto Harold, scared] "Don't finish that sentence!" [sobs] Lincoln: "Don't worry, Mr. McBrides. I got this." [breaks out his walkie-talkie] "Clyde, do you copy?" [he says with an echo nearby] "Wait! He's still in the house somewhere!" [they rush to the bedroom but don't find him there] "Oh. He just left his walkie-talkie behind." [Howard whimpers] Harold: [hushes Howard] "Come on. We're going to the Ramp of Insanity!"

[They arrive at the ramp] Howard: "There he is! I see him!" Harold: "Clyde, honey, don't do it! Just climb back down!" [No response or action] Harold: "Oh, Howie, he must be paralyzed with fear." Howard: [admittedly] "He gets that from me." Lincoln: "We'll just have to go up and get him." Harold: "No no no. We'll go, Lincoln. I don't want you getting hurt." Lincoln: "No. I have to go. Clyde is my best friend, and I'm not just gonna stand here while he-" Howard: [scared] "Don't finish that sentence!" [cries] Harold: "Okay, we'll all go up, but very carefully." [They reach the ramp's ladder] Harold: "I hope this thing is safe." Lincoln: "I'm sure it's fine. There'd be a sign if it wasn't." ''[Signs that say Stay off, condemned, and a picture of a man climbing being crossed off appear from under the snow. Lincoln starts climbing anyway and they reach the top]'' Lincoln: "We're here, buddy. You're safe. Everything's going to be-" [comes across a minimum height sign that says YOU MUST BE THIS TALL TO PUT YOUR LIFE ON THE LINE] "...okay?" Howard: "That's just an old sign! WHERE'S MY BABY?!" ''[The wind blows the sign down the ramp which launches it into a nearby snowdrift, shattering it. This causes the dads to scream]'' Howard: [hysterical] "My baby could be lying injured in a ravine somewhere. We need to get off this thing and find him." [As they approach the ladder, it breaks] Lincoln, Howard and Harold: "WE'RE TRAPPED!" ["Trapped" echoes through the air and Clyde arrives back at the cabin] Clyde: "Whew. Cold." [sees no one there] "Dads? Lincoln? Hello?" [finds his walkie talkie and calls Lincoln] "Lincoln, come in. This is-" Lincoln: [picks up] "Clyde! You're okay!" Harold: [takes the walkie] "Where are you, son? Did you go down the ramp?" Howard: "Sweetie, did you break anything? Can you wiggle your toes? Stay still! Don't move your head!" Clyde: "Guys, I'm fine. I didn't go down the ramp." Harold: "You didn't?" Clyde: "Oh, heck no. I got there and realized you guys are right. That thing is dangerous, so I turned around and went back home." Howard: "Oh, thank goodness." Harold: "That was good judgment, son." Clyde: "So, where are you guys?" Lincoln: "Uh...funny story."

[Clyde arrives at the ramp] Clyde: "Guys! I'm here!" Haarold: "Clyde! Did you call the ranger?" Clyde: "I did, but I got his voicemail!" Howard: "What?! Harold, our next vacation is Chicago, not the sticks." Clyde: "Don't worry! We don't need the ranger, 'cause I'm rescuing you!" Harold: "Oh, no you're not! Go back and call the fire department, or-or the police department, or Nana Gayle, but you are not coming up here!" [falls through a floorboard and Lincoln and Howard pull him up] "Okay, come up here. But please be careful." Clyde: "I'm gonna say this one last time." [takes off his hat and puts on a helmet] "Don't worry." [He grabs a grappling hook from his bag and latches it onto a snowdrift] Howard: "Oh, I can't look." [covers his eyes] Lincoln: "Clyde! What about your crippling fear of heights?" Clyde: [climbing] "I was trying not to think about that!" Lincoln: "Forget I mentioned it!" Clyde: "It's okay. I'm just trying to concentrate." [goes to a tree] Harold: "Honey, if you're thinking of climbing that tree, don't forget about your sap allergy." Clyde: "I took my pills. For gosh sakes." [starts climbing] Harold: [worried] "Oh, this is too much. Now I can't look." [covers his eyes] Howard: "I still can't." Lincoln: [covers his eyes] "You guys are rubbing off on me." [Clyde gets to the end of the tree, ties a rope to it, and slides down it to the top of the ramp; he and his dads hug] Harold: "That was very brave, son. Even if it took five years off my life." Clyde: "We're not out of the woods yet." [takes out his sled] "Let's ramp this up!" [The ramp starts to break] Clyde: "Quickly, everybody, get on. There's only one way down." [his dads aren't sure] "You're just gonna have to trust me. Hurry!" [His dads and Lincoln get on] Clyde: "Hold onto your butts." Lincoln, Howard and Harold: "Way ahead of you." [They push off and shoot down, all screaming and launch off into the air] Harold: "Since this is the end, there's something I need to tell you. I never liked your beef bourguignon!" Howard: "I don't go to the gym when I say I do. I go to the doughnut shop." [The dads and Lincoln all continue screaming and Clyde activates a parachute for the sled for a nice slow descent] Harold: "A parachute. Good thinking, Clyde." Clyde: "I got the idea from you." [They land safely] Howard: "Honey, we owe you an apology. You obviously can take care of yourself." Clyde: "Well, it's all 'cuz of you guys. You taught me to always be prepared." Harold: "From now on, we promise not to be so overprotective. And this time, we mean it." [They hug it out] Clyde: "Thanks. I'm lucky to have dads like you." Lincoln: [to the viewers] "I'll give them a little privacy." McBrides: [grab Lincoln] "Get in here, Lincoln." [pull him in for the hug] Lincoln and McBrides: "Hugs!" Howard: "Come on. Let's head back to the cabin for some actual hot cocoa." Clyde: [excited] "Really?" Howard: "Well, hot-ish." [to Harold] "So, what was that you were saying about my beef bourguignon?" Harold: "I can't remember because I'm still wondering why we bother paying for a gym membership." Howard: "Touché."

Harold: "Okay, Howie, ready to let go?" Howard: [sighs] "Ready as I'll ever be." Harold: "Man, we are fantastic parents." [Lincoln and Clyde are up on the hill] Clyde: "Pilot to co-pilot, we are ready for launch. Now the fun really, really begins." Lincoln: "I'll sled to that!" [They fist bump and sled down] Clyde: "All right!' Lincoln: "Yahoo!" Clyde: "Faster! Faster!" [They fly off an alcove, crash and laugh] Lincoln: "That was awesome!" Clyde: "Let's go again!" Harold: [laughs] "Looks like we're getting the hang of not being so overprotective, huh, Howie?" [sips his cocoa and gets no response] "Howie?" [sees Howard fainted again] "I'll get the smelling salts."