No Such Thing as a Sure Thing

(THEME SONG PLAYING) (BAND PLAYING) (CROWD CHEERING) (SHOUTING) If I was only gonna be alive for one minute, I'd spend it looking in your eyes! (SHOUTING) And if you were only gonna be alive for one minute, I'd tell you to stop looking and start kissing! Who's goin' down? ALL: The Amish! Who are we gonna beat? The Amish! And who's gonna lead us to victory? ALL: Jerry Mungo! (CHEERING) ALL: Go, Pengy! Go, Pengy! Go, Pengy! (CHEERING) It is so noisy in there. Can we sit with you? Yeah, sure. As long as you guys don't That. Pennbrook! Pennbrook! Yay, Pennbrook! (CHEERING) Eric! What, oh! See you, Panty Patty! You would rather look up her skirt than beat the Amish, wouldn't you? I got nothin' against the Amish. They're a decent, hard-working, agrarian people. Who kicked our butts Oh, so they're on a little streak! What are the chances they're gonna do that again? Vegas has them a 14-point favorite. You, Mr. Clean-Cut, a gambling man? Get off my back. Jeez! Jack, I'm only gonna ask you this one time. Do you have a serious problem that needs my help? No. Okay. (CLEARS THROAT) Hey, look, the penguin's Amish! (LAUGHS) Hey! Come back here! (EXCLAIMING) Oh! Look how the formerly separated now behave. Okay? I wanna be like them. What? You want to make out until we realize we hate each other someday? Topanga, we hate each other now! Okay? So your little plan doesn't work, does it? Kiss me with tongue! She thinks that's gonna stop me. That's not gonna stop me. She thinks that's gonna How you doing? That's not gonna stop me. Cory, are you okay? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. That's it, Topanga. I've had it with you. (PANTING) Okay. Turns out the penguin was an Amish infiltrator. He had our team's playbook in his britches. How did I get it out? Don't really want to talk about it. The point is, we're gonna need a new mascot. I'll do it. CORY: I'll be the penguin. Cory, you can't be the penguin. You'll hurt yourself. I couldn't be hurt any more than you've hurt me already. How you doin'? Now, you broke my heart. I gave you every opportunity, but now, I have to keep my dignity. How do I look? You the bird. Oh! Do you hear that, Topanga? I the bird! And this bird is moving on. This bird is flying solo. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the pride of Pennbrook, Pengy, the Pennbrook penguin! (CHEERING) I'm gonna be the penguin. What's this I hear about Jerry Mungo not playing Saturday? I mean, if Jerry Mungo doesn't play, you guys have no chance. I'm gonna be the penguin! Nah, there's just a rumor he might not be eligible academically. I hear he's dumber than you. Nah. Well, Jerry Mungo better be playing Saturday. I'm gonna be the penguin! I'm tired of losing money betting against the Amish. Alan, I really don't like it that you're gambling. That's why I do it. Topanga doesn't think I can be the penguin. She doesn't know me. Fine, we're not getting married. Fine! I hope none of you start gambling. Why? Because it could ruin your life, blow every relationship you ever had, make mom and stepdad almost have to sell the house in the Hamptons? Would it kill you to use real potatoes? I heard you have a problem. What? No, Topanga just doesn't believe in love anymore. Well, maybe you should face reality, maybe it's time for you to move on with your life. I am. I'm the penguin. Study, Mr. Mungo. Star running back or no, you fail my test, you don't play. You know, when this college paid me to come here, they didn't say nothin' about no tests. Did they say anything about double negatives? Why are you so upset? Open a book. How you doin'? Hey, Rach, great speech yesterday! You really got everybody fired up. You know, rah! Well, thanks, but it wasn't for the crowd. It was for Jerry. I was trying to light a fire under his lazy butt. You know what, if he doesn't pass Feeny's exam, we don't have a chance at winning the football game. Yeah, well, you know, it's a sporting event, oddly shaped ball, inside information, inside information. Will you excuse me for a second, please? Dude You're, like, shaking. There's no such thing as a sure thing. That's the first step to accepting you have a problem. Hello, my name is Jack. (PANTING) Hello. Okay, Jerry. Please get this one for the team, okay? JERRY: All right, ask me anything. What African nation abolished apartheid in 1986? Florida. That's one right. How come you keep asking me all these history questions? Because it's your major, you dumb, dumb, dumbest person alive! No way this gavoonz passes Mr. Feeny's test. Yeah, that's great. Without him, I don't think we're gonna have a prayer to Now you're gone. Where did you go? Danny, Jack Hunter! We want to place a little bet on the Pennbrook game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm on the 13th step. Relapse. Just put me down for a dime on the Amish. Excuse me. Hello, bookie? Hey, you don't Excuse me. You don't know what you're doing. Excuse me. Hello, bookie? Hello, bookie. Hi, my name is Eric. I would also like to place a dime on the Amish. Thank you very much. Bam! I don't know what I'm doing? I don't know what I'm doing? He just put me down for a dime, baby. I'm down for a dime! Do you know how much a dime is? I know the lingo. A dime's $14. 50. A dime is $1,000. Wow! (LAUGHS) (GASPS) So, uh, you really think I was good? You were the best penguin ever. But what about when I fell into the band and knocked over the tubas? That was the best! Really? She thinks I'm a good penguin! Topanga would have thought it was wrong for me to fall into the tubas. I'm busy here. Sorry. You're doing a great job. Maybe after the big game, you'll want to see my dorm room. Don't all dorm rooms look the same? Oh! (LAUGHING) Well, we We really don't know each other. That's why you're coming to my room. Cory can do whatever he wants. He is. If she's what he wants, then let him have her. You're what he wants, and he's what you want. Shawn, give me five minutes, and I swear I'll make it up to you. Okay. I haven't had water for four days. Topanga, everybody you know has tried to help you. Cory went to Pittsburgh, he tried to get your parents back together. What do you want from him? Are you happy like this? I've never been so unhappy in my life. I thought I was protecting Shawn by pushing him away, but I was only hurting us both. I'm back with him now, and I'm happier than ever. Except I could use some ChapStick. Here. I have no use for it. (HONKING) Oh, ciao, bella. (ITALIAN ACCENT) I ride the bike, I honk the horn. (HONKS) Eric This is a $5,000 bike. We're only gonna win $1,000. Oh, no, that's not right, my little Jacquelina. Eric No, I'm sorry. My English is no so good. I, how you say? (NORMAL VOICE) I called Danny. I placed a new bet. I bet four more dimes. We're down for five large. You called Danny? Yeah. What's the big deal? I mean, you said it was a sure thing. There's no such thing as a sure thing! I learned that in rehab. (ITALIAN ACCENT) Then why I got the expensive bike? And the $200 panties with the cushions in the buttocks? Feels nice! All right, all right, all right. You know what, it's probably gonna be okay as long as Jerry doesn't play. (NORMAL VOICE) He's not gonna play. Well, there is a way he could play. There's no way. The only way he could There's no only way There is! What if Feeny goes soft and lets him play? Oh, come on, Jack. It's never gonna happen! I've known Feeny for, it's gotta be He's not gonna let him play. What if he does? Then we lose We can't pay the bookie. (VOICE BREAKING) And he'll understand that. Yeah, he'll understand that. He'll understand that while he's looking at our thumbs in a jar. He has a thumb jar? That seems odd. (HONKING) Wow, the "Tour de Idiot. " (ITALIAN ACCENT) Hi. I'm from Italy Shut up. All right. Jerry Mungo. I think you should pass him and let him play no matter how stupid he is. Eric, I'm going to make this so simple that even you can understand it. You can try. Because Jerry Mungo can score touchdowns, he's been given a free ride through this university. I detest that. All right, so let me try to get this perfectly straight. You're saying that if Jerry Mungo fails his test, there's absolutely no way you're gonna let him play. None whatsoever. (SNICKERING) What's passing? Oh, that's right, you wouldn't know. What if he gets a 64? Fails. What if he gets an 80? Passes. No good. Are you kidding me? Oh, sorry, sorry. What if he gets a 20? Focus, Mr. Matthews. Ok, right. So let me try to understand this. You care more about morals and ethics than you do about football? That's absolutely right. Fine. Fine. Fine Fine. Fine Fine. I don't want to play anymore! Fine! I win. (GIGGLING) (STILL GIGGLING) Done? Oh, we're done. It's in the bag, baby. There's no way Feeny's gonna let him play. I did it! I outsmarted Feeny! It feels so good! Good for you. Let's go. No, one more. I'm gonna do one more. No. No, no, no. I'm gonna do one more. No, Eric. Oh, boy. (HONKING) Just remember something, Feeny. When Jerry Mungo fails his test and that Amish horse-drawn buggy charges across our football field in victory, crushing the hearts of every student here at this university, you hold your head up high, Feeny, 'cause you held to your ethics, Feeny. Good for you. (GIGGLING) Jed, there's absolutely no reason to tell her this now. She's gonna find out eventually. It's better for her to find out from me. This is not why we're here. This is about Cory and Topanga, not about Topanga and you. Hey, the only reason there's trouble between Topanga and Cory is because she's trying to save Cory from what happened to us. I want to help her. She's not ready for this. You tell her you left me for someone else, she'll hate you. No, she won't. I'm her father. She loves me. (BUZZING) Get out. Honey Get out. Topanga (SOBBING) Go! JEDEDIAH: I love you, sweetie. I'm sorry. Mom, I'm so sorry. Did you know? Yeah, honey, I knew. He was just so happy all the time. Why didn't you tell me? Because that's not what's important. I don't like him anymore. Neither do I. Except I do, and so do you. He's your father, honey. I hate him. No, you don't. You could never hate him. I would never want you to. How can you be so rational about all this? Because after you cut his head out of all our photos and smash everything he owns and cry hysterically for three months, you eventually get to rational. Well, I'm not rational. That's right. You're not. What? Honey, whatever happens between your father and me shouldn't affect what happens between you and Cory. You're unbelievable. All of this is happening to you, and all you can think about is me. Well, I may not be a wife anymore, but I'm your mother. I don't ever want Cory and I to hurt each other like you and Dad. The hell with me and Dad! This is isn't about us anymore. This is about you and Cory. And what you and Cory have, it's rare and real and good and true. Why would you want to throw that away? Because I'm scared. Why? Because of you! You scare me! I thought you two were happy. Honey, we were. And now we're not, but listen to me. I would never trade what I had with your father even if I knew it wasn't gonna last forever. You wouldn't? Never. Are you gonna give up Cory because you're afraid of what might happen in the future? Or are you gonna have the courage to marry him and find out? (BAND PLAYING FIGHT MUSIC) (CHEERING) Remember My room after the big game. So, Jack. It's getting a little late. Don't you think Feeny should have announced that he's not playing by now? Here comes Mr. Party Pooper now. Everybody, quiet! Could we have some quiet, please? I believe Mr. Feeny is about to announce some, well, bad news. As some of you are aware, there have been rumors regarding whether or not our star player would actually be playing today. And I'm afraid I have some bad news. Aw, bad news. Yes! Bad news For the Amish! I give you our starting tailback, Jerry Mungo! (CHEERING) Jerry's playing! Jerry's playing! Jerry's playing! Jerry's playing! ALL: Mungo! Mungo! Mungo! Mr. Feeny, how could he pass? He's dumber than me! How could he pass? Mr. Feeny, what happened? He happened. That last thing you said to me in my office made me think. You had to go back in there! Don't hate me. Was I so focused on academia that I forgot about school spirit? No, no, no. No, no, no. Yes! So I took on the ultimate challenge. Could I take somebody actually dumber than you, and in only 24 hours, raise him to his highest possible level? And you did? (GASPING AND MUTTERING) Come on, boys. Let's go kick some Amish butt, huh? You killed us, genius. No, no, Jack Jack, Jack, Jack, no, no, no, no Listen to me. Bookies take so many bets they're probably not even thinking about ours. Yeah. You're probably right. I'm not right, like, at all, am I? No, no. No, I'm not. Hello, two very large men! I don't believe we've had the pleasure. Danny sent us. See, the bookies had a little convention, and you two were voted most likely to lose and run like the wind. See that, Jack? They're not here to hurt us. They want to give us a plaque! Run! Don't say anything. Just hold me. Hey! Why aren't you the penguin? I fell on the tubas. I tore cartilage doing the igloo dance. You were right, Topanga. I I made a terrible penguin. I mean, nobody knows me better than you, though. Nobody knows me better than you. But it doesn't matter, right? You mean everything to me. Because you and I, we're never gonna be together again. I want to be with you forever. But it's okay. You know, I've accepted it. I'm ready to move on. I love you. I want to be your wife. So, I guess you and I are officially over. Goodbye, Topanga. (GRUNTING) This is new. Cory If something bad happens to us someday, it could never change what we have now, what we've always had, because you're right, Cory. Love is real, and we have to do everything we can to keep it alive. Well, you really haven't been doing that, dear. What can I do to make it up to you? You could move your knee. Sorry. Wherever life takes us, I want it to be with you Forever Or until tomorrow. It's time to stick it to the Amish! (CHEERING) (BAND PLAYING FIGHT MUSIC) Whoa! Eric, you've got to stop groping the women when they're churning butter. But I love dairy. I think I'm falling hard for Anna Lewendike. I tried to talk to her, but she shunned me. She hit you with a rake. And her brothers pummeled me. How long do you think we have to hide out here? Forty, fifty years. Everybody should be dead. You know something, Jack? Maybe it's not such a bad thing. I mean, nobody here knows who I am. It's a fresh start. If I don't screw up, I could have a good life here. Hey, isn't that that girl you were just talking about? Oh, it is! Anna Lewendike! I wish to make out with thee! You see the arm on her? They're chuckin' pitchforks! Let's go! All right, come on, let's go. Let's go! I thought you were a peaceful people!