The Master

The Tension

 * Could you pass me the salt, please, Anais?
 * But of course.
 * Thank you.
 * My pleasure. May I have the gravy, please, Darwin?
 * Gladly.
 * Now, now. Maybe a little desert will sweeten you.
 * I will not tolerate this kind of behavior in my house. I barely got to lick the icing!
 * Wait a minute, you licked the cake?!
 * Well, duh! How else can you tell they're ripe when you buy them at the store? Anyway, what's with all the tension?
 * Right, I think it's time we layed it all out on the table.
 * She made us believe we only had 24 hours to live because of a disease called gullibilitis!
 * And that our butts were gonna fall off and everything inside of us was gonna spill out from the bottom like an undercooked flan!
 * I only wrote that in my diary to teach you a lesson about privacy.
 * I was so distressed I spent the whole afternoon by the lake listening to soft rock while cross-fading!
 * You what?
 * Like this.
 * Well maybe you shouldn't have dazzled the toilet seat. My butt looks like a Fabergé egg!
 * No amount of butt dazzling can make up for the day we had because of you!
 * Oh, you little...
 * Stop fighting!
 * First of all, that is how you crashed the car earlier. Secondly, what I meant by lay it all out on the table was the game! For Saturday night is family time, and since it's my turn to choose, we're raiding dungeons and fighting dragons!  Sorry Gumball, you rolled a two in stealth, get back here.
 * How's this gonna help?
 * Like this.
 * Well maybe you shouldn't have dazzled the toilet seat. My butt looks like a Fabergé egg!
 * No amount of butt dazzling can make up for the day we had because of you!
 * Oh, you little...
 * Stop fighting!
 * First of all, that is how you crashed the car earlier. Secondly, what I meant by lay it all out on the table was the game! For Saturday night is family time, and since it's my turn to choose, we're raiding dungeons and fighting dragons!  Sorry Gumball, you rolled a two in stealth, get back here.
 * How's this gonna help?
 * First of all, that is how you crashed the car earlier. Secondly, what I meant by lay it all out on the table was the game! For Saturday night is family time, and since it's my turn to choose, we're raiding dungeons and fighting dragons!  Sorry Gumball, you rolled a two in stealth, get back here.
 * How's this gonna help?
 * How's this gonna help?

The Game

 * You're all travelers from distant lands seeking refuge from a great storm. Testosterona the Barbarian,  Norovirus the Wizard,  Frumpet the Elf Bard,  and finally, Mario Kebab the Dwarf Warrior! Because I ran out of name ideas. You stumble across a tavern called the Merl Inn, and find yourself in the midst of a brawl.  Not against each other!  All right, against each other, I guess. But you're interrupted, by a mysterious voice.
 * Do you want to be rich?
 * How rich are we talking, enough to get my kids new battle armor?
 * More.
 * Enough to get healthcare against loss of limbs and dental for my tooth?
 * Even more.
 * Enough for us to pay to get into a good pillaging college?
 * The riches I speak of are to be found in the Black Crystal Dungeon, and they will give you a lifetime of joy, but the road to the dungeon and the treasure is treacherous, but not as treacherous as- uh?

The Voyage

 * The treasure will be mine!
 * Not if I get there first, wizard!
 * Had you stayed and listened to the Witch, you'd have known that the road was far less treacherous than the path you took through the forest of
 * Who comes up with these names, man?
 * Sorry, that was a cheese curl stuck in my throat. It's called the forest of Grok, and there's an Owlbear blocking your path.
 * Everyone, roll for initiative.
 * I guess it's me first.
 * What are you gonna do?
 * I throw Norovirus into the mouth of the Owlbear.
 * Oh, come on!
 * Darwin, you're next. What do you do?
 * I play a merry tune and I dance.
 * Ah, hahahaha!
 * Ugh. Nicole, what do you do?
 * Testosterona sits this one out. She already crashed her station horse wagon because of these fools.
 * All right, whatever. He swallows you.
 * Norovirus, what do you do?
 * I perform a suggestion charm.
 * 17 plus 2 intelligence bonus, 19!
 * Finally, someone's getting into the game and playing it properly.
 * Mario Kebab, Frumpet, head-butt yourselves in the butt as you walk towards the Owlbear.
 * Ugh!
 * Right. You're now all inside the stomach of the beast. What do you do before your last breath?
 * I pop Norovirus in the face.
 * Your attack roll is one, you miss, and hit Testosterona.
 * Then I enter a rage and I swing my sword!
 * Okay, you're fighting again, but somehow your literal internal struggle frees you from the beast. However, you are hurt, and in the remains of the beast you find its fire gland. What do you do?
 * I pick it up.
 * Of course! With your knowledge of potions you can use it to heal everyone.
 * No, I throw it at Mario Kebab's face.
 * I throw it at Testosterona.
 * And I throw it at Frumpet.
 * Despite your constant bickering, you continue your journey towards the dungeon.
 * The Sphinx gives you this question: What comes up from the deepest darkest mine, rots men's souls, and lingers in their senses?
 * The dungeon master's toots?
 * Ugh, the answer was gold.
 * Ah!
 * [They continue their journey to the Estrala Mountains. Darwin and Anais are fighting over a card while Nicole throws the die and lands a 20. Testosterona is about to throw a spear at a giant snake, but Darwin jostles the table and the die changes to a 2. Testosterona plants the spear into her foot and the snake starts eating her.]
 * Give me that! Let go of it!
 * [Later, in a forest, a giant walks by, not noticing them, but Norovirus sparks a flame by Frumpet's feet. He screams, and the giant punches him.]
 * [They are crossing an icy bridge that Norovirus is forming. Mario Kebab cracks the ice with his axe and laughs, but everyone falls through the ice except for Norovirus, who keeps going]
 * [The line on the map showing their journey starts zigzagging]
 * Where are we even going?
 * I think it's this way!
 * No, I think it's over here!
 * No, ugh, listen, we already went that way!
 * [The line goes off the map, and the characters fall off the edge of the world. Richard pauses a tape playing epic music.]
 * In the name of Gygax's beard, stop fighting, otherwise we'll be here all night! Ugh. [plays tape] Before you plummet into the depths of the nether floor, an astral portal appears and conveniently teleports you across the kingdom to the entrance of...the Black Crystal Dungeon!!
 * Hm. Kinda sounds like a night club.
 * [sighs heavily] You enter the dungeon. Finally, after all your travels and battles, mostly with each other, the object of your quest lies before you: the treasure. [The characters see the treasure chest in the middle of the empty cave. They gasp in wonder.] Suddenly, out of the darkness, a familiar face appears! It is the witch from the tavern! [The witch's face is seen in the shadows.]
 * Come closer, my valorous warriors!
 * It's a trap.
 * [in his witch voice] It's not a trap!
 * It's totally a trap.
 * [witch voice] No it ain't.
 * This is more trap than an autotuned rapper. [Lights a torch, and the rest of the creature comes into view: it's not the witch, but a giant turtle-like monster with the witch's face.]
 * Yeah, okay, it's a trap. The beast swallows the treasure!
 * Beast? LOL! It looks more like a police drawing of the imaginary friend of some crayon-eating kid! [They laugh]
 * LOL all you want! I lured you here for food! And a band of warriors is easier to swallow when they've been chewing each other up all day!
 * You face certain doom! What are you gonna do?
 * Right. We're gonna have to use our greatest weapon. [His eyes turn yellow. Dramatic music sting.] BLAME!
 * [Everyone breaks out into another fight. Richard, amidst all the flying dice, pencils and cheese curls, sighs and rolls the die.]
 * The tarrasque successfully attacks. You all lose 30 HP. [Everyone falls off their chairs.]
 * Okay! Time out! [The four huddle for a moment, and sit back down with evil grins.] We decided to change tactics and use our greatest weapon. [His eyes turn yellow again. Dramatic music sting.] BLAME!
 * [Sighs and shakes his head]
 * But this time, we blame the game master for making us spend time together! [Zoom in] So now it's us against you.
 * [perks up] Hmm! [Zoom in] Finally. [plays the tape again]
 * Yeah, okay, it's a trap. The beast swallows the treasure!
 * Beast? LOL! It looks more like a police drawing of the imaginary friend of some crayon-eating kid! [They laugh]
 * LOL all you want! I lured you here for food! And a band of warriors is easier to swallow when they've been chewing each other up all day!
 * You face certain doom! What are you gonna do?
 * Right. We're gonna have to use our greatest weapon. [His eyes turn yellow. Dramatic music sting.] BLAME!
 * [Everyone breaks out into another fight. Richard, amidst all the flying dice, pencils and cheese curls, sighs and rolls the die.]
 * The tarrasque successfully attacks. You all lose 30 HP. [Everyone falls off their chairs.]
 * Okay! Time out! [The four huddle for a moment, and sit back down with evil grins.] We decided to change tactics and use our greatest weapon. [His eyes turn yellow again. Dramatic music sting.] BLAME!
 * [Sighs and shakes his head]
 * But this time, we blame the game master for making us spend time together! [Zoom in] So now it's us against you.
 * [perks up] Hmm! [Zoom in] Finally. [plays the tape again]

The Final Battle

 * I heard the beast say Testosterona's neck was so thick, she'd have to wear drapes as a necktie! [Testosterona growls]
 * And I heard it ask if she's wearing hairy boots, or if she just forgot to shave her legs! [She gets angrier]
 * And I heard it say her hair looks great!
 * Aw!
 * Said it makes her look fifty again! [Testosterona can barely contain her anger now]
 * I fly into an epic barbarian rage and take my anger out on the beast! [Testosterona jumps up and swings her sword, but merely chops off some of the beast's hair]
 * Your attack works! The beast is weakened! Who's next?
 * Me! I play a seduction ballad to woo the monster!
 * But you can't! It's an animal!
 * Yeah, but it's half-witch!
 * [Frumpet busts out his flute and dances as he plays a seductive tune. The beast is hit by glittering pink beams and it looks at Frumpet with hearts in its eyes.]
 * Hahaha!! What do you do now? The creature is in love with you!
 * I break up with her! By text message! [A carrier pigeon drops a scroll by the beast.]
 * Ha ha! Okay! [Rolls die] I'll use Rule of Cool for that one.
 * [The beast is seen crying and sad music plays.]
 * This house don't feel like home anymore, you say-
 * The beast is down, but not defeated! Mario! It lunges at you, its fangs bared! What do you do?
 * Uhh--I panic and scream!!!
 * I cast a portal spell between Mario Kebab and the tarrasque! [Its head gets stuck in the portal]
 * Its head disappears into the portal, just before it bites Mario! Where is the other portal opening?
 * Its butt! [The monster's head comes out of its butt.]
 * Good one! The beast loses more HP through shame! Suddenly, the monster rears and plans to strike! Whaddya say to that?
 * Snack break?
 * [Everyone nods. Cut to the Wattersons eating Joyful Burger. Back to game]
 * The beast has eaten so much it is exhausted and on the verge of defeat! But you too have overeaten, and are now on the edge of a food coma! What do you do?
 * [stands up, lethargic and teary-eyed] I sing a song to inspire strength in my fellow warriors so we can deliver the final blow! [He inhales deeply, and starts passionately singing “Un bel dí vedremo.” Nicole, Gumball, and Anais all come out of their food comas and tear up, mesmerized by Darwin's singing.]

The Greatest Lesson of All

 * [Anais lifts up her pencil and the scene cuts to Norovirus, creating wind with her staff. Darwin's singing underscores the entire scene. Testosterona throws Mario Kebab at the monster. Gumball throws the die. It almost lands on a 2, but changes to a 20. The Wattersons cheer as Mario Kebab delivers a blow to the monster. He explodes! When the dust settles, the chest is seen again.]
 * As the light fades, you see the chest!
 * The treasure!
 * You open it, and inside find only a small piece of parchment. [Slides a paper to Gumball]
 * "The greatest treasure on earth is the time you spend together." [Looks up, watery-eyed]
 * [Crumples paper, smiling while holding back tears] Lame.
 * [Mario Kebab, Frumpet, Norovirus, and Testosterona start crying with joy and share a group hug. Fade to the Wattersons, in the same position. They all look at Richard, who shrugs with an "I told you so" expression.]
 * [smirks] Boom. [draws his cape] Mega happy ending. Game master out! [Covers himself with his cape and slinks out, but slams against the bookcase and falls over, and groans. Episode ends.]