Hawk & Chick

Hey, little guy, you're gonna become part of a great burger today.

(high-pitched): I'm honored.

What are you calling it?

(normal voice): Jicama-Tah-Ta.

(high-pitched): Great joke!

No making the food talk, please.

And you wonder why I'm the only one who'll go shopping with you.

Dad, look!

Wait, don't look now.

Okay, now look.

Where?

There.

Wh-What is it?

Bob: An old Asian man?

Louise: That's not an old Asian man.

It's not?

It's Hawk!

Hawk?

Hawk! From Hawk & Chick!

Father, look out!

The Jellyfish Monster!

Thank you, Chick.

(fierce yell)

♪ ♪

Hi-yah!

Father-daughter samurai team played by an actual father and daughter.

It's like they based it on us.

I know.

We could sue. We won't, 'cause we love these movies.

But yeah, that's us.

But is he the right age?

How old was he in his last movie?

The one where they fight the giant butterfly?

Yeah.

Probably 40.

And how old is that guy, a hundred? He's not a hundred.

Well, you're 80, so he's got to be at least 90.

What's he doing in our dumb town, anyway?

Maybe he flies from Japan to buy our mushrooms?

He's leaving the market.

Should I shout his name?

No.

We should leave him alone.

Or we could follow him.

We kind of already are.

This is weird. Let's go home, live our lives the best we can.

I mean, we're poor, but we're happy.

He's crossing the street!

Move! Move!

(horn beeps)

Sorry. Thank you.

Ooh!

Sorry. Sorry.

No! He's getting on a bus!

Well, we're not getting on a bus to follow this guy.

We should get off at the next stop. It's not him.

Both (whispering): It's him!

It's Rising Hawk.

(low gasping)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Where the hell are your father and your sister?

They should be back by now.

Maybe they're afraid to be around me. (grunts)

'Cause I'm on fire.

(groans) Game, set, salt.

Wow. She can't do long division, but the girl can slide a saltshaker.

Who? Oh, me.

I'm gonna say something.

What are you gonna say?

Say it to me like you're gonna say it to him.

Okay, all right.

Um, hi, Mr. Kojima...

Terrible.

What?

Ugh! Bad.

Right, right, right.

Not ready. Not ready.

♪ ♪

(elevator bell dings)

Fourth floor.

Yeah.

Stairs. Let's go.

(whispering): Wait, this is crazy.

What's our plan?

Um, get him to sign your jicama?

I don't...

I don't have a pen.

(all yell)

Why are you follow me? Aah!

(both screaming)

(laughs) Joking! Joking!

Oh. Oh, that-that's good.

Y-You got us.

Did I get you?

Yeah, very much.

(chuckles)

My little heart is beating so fast.

(laughs) (laughs): Yeah.

I dropped my jicama.

Uh, so... Shinji Kojima?

Please, call me Kojima... or Koji.

Just don't call me if I owe you money.

(laughs)

I owe people money.

Uh, uh, my name is Bob.

Uh, and this is my daughter, Louise.

We've seen all your movies.

Am I screeching?

I feel like I'm screeching a little. Yes.

Sorry, you're kind of a big deal for us.

It's nice to get recognized.

We were wondering... why are you in our town?

Did you get lost?

Lots of people are here because they got lost.

Not lost.

Just looking...

Okay.

Wait, what-what does that mean?

You kind of trailed off there.

I have, uh, said too much.

So, do you know a good place to eat?

Yes! Uh, we have a restaurant.

No, no, no, no!

It's not good!

It's really good.

It's not good enough for Koji, Dad!

Is it good or not good?

Good.

Not good.

Good.

Oh, not good.

Mmm! Good.

Wow, so that's how celebrities chew their food.

I was all wrong.

Celebrity Chewing!

I'd watch that show.

Tina, take another picture of me with Koji.

Let's do one where we're laughing at a hilarious thing I just said.

But it's so smart you don't get it for a second, and then you do.

Hmm. Mmm?

Oh, now I get it.

(laughing)

Oh, he just got it.

He just got it.

When I'm famous, I'll have a handler whose only job will be to keep people like Mom away from me.

And Mom, too, maybe.

What?

Just kidding. You know you'll live in my trailer.

I want a copy of that one.

Oh, we don't print our photos.

They live in the camera.

Guys, here it is!

All the Hawk & Chicks we recorded from TV.

We've got a lot to choose from.

Hawk & Chick versus Sharkman or the classic Hawk & Chick versus Tsukumogami.

What's a Tsukumogami?

Um, it's just an object that comes to life every hundred years. Oh!

And in this case, it's a tree.

So, they fight a tree? Cool.

Well, there's more to it than that, Tina.

It's about a barber and his daughter traveling from village to village, trying to avoid trouble...

But trouble always finds them.

And then they kick trouble's ass!

Am I right? Looking at you, Koji.

(mouth full): Looking back at you, Louise.

Wait, so these movies are about traveling barbers who fight weird Japanese monsters?

So, it's like a less sexual Incredible Hulk?

(crowd clamoring) Hmm?

That's not a tree.

That's a monster.

(both yelling)

This is amazing.

We're watching a Hawk & Chick with Hawk!

I know, and he must be excited 'cause he's watching it with us.

Or not.

He's crying.

Oh.

(yelling)

Everything okay, Kojima?

No. Not okay.

The reason I'm in your town is to find my Yuki.

Is that Japanese for getting your groove back?

No. It is English for getting my daughter back.

Yuki? Your daughter lives here?

Yes, she does.

I haven't gathered the courage to speak to her.

I haven't spoken to Yuki in 30 years.

(all gasp) Hawk and Chick haven't spoken in 30 years?!

What the hell?

She chose to move to America with her mother after we divorced.

Our relationship was strained because I strained it.

Now Yuki is... an accountant.

Both: What?!

Oh, nice.

I've come all this way, but I worry Yuki doesn't want to see me.

Eh, what's 30 years?

I got underwear older than that.

You two will be sword-fighting together in no time.

We've got to make this samur-ight! Whoa!

I've got a great idea you're all gonna hate.

Family conference.

Don't worry.

Doesn't seem rude.

No, no.

Maybe all we need to do is get Yuki to see her dad as Hawk again.

Up on the big screen!

Okay, but how do we do that?

I'm really enjoying this huddle.

One of the best huddles ever.

It's all right.

Guys, this is the part you're gonna hate.

We got to put on a Hawk & Chick film festival and convince them both to go.

Reunion! Boom!

You hate it, you hate it.

I don't hate it.

I like it.

I love it.

I love it, too.

(all yell)

Oh! You snuck in the huddle!

I am out of ketchup.

But I am in for the festival.

(all cheer)

♪ Samurai festival of love. ♪

So, you want me to let you guys take over the theater for the entire weekend for a marathon of some obscure samurai movies from the '70s.

Is that right?

Yup. So we're good here?

Not gonna happen.

But the stars of the movies are gonna be there.

Most likely.

Well, one is for sure.

Point is they're gonna reunite in front of all their fans!

Father and daughter together again...

What-what are you doing?

Oh, this? Nothing.

Keep talking.

Can you still hear me?

It's a little crack now.

I'm just gonna close this down, and bye!

Great. Thank you.

Thank you!

Come on, Louise.

Let's go.

Psst. Hey.

(clicks tongue)

Me. I'm talking.

Is Shinji Kojima really in town?

And Yuki?

Yeah! Wait, so you know the Hawk & Chick movies?

I love them!

Lots of people do.

If you did a Hawk &

Chick film festival, people would definitely show up.

So, can you talk your boss into letting us use this theater?

No.

We've had bad experiences doing film festivals.

We had a Meg Ryan film festival, and this place was disgusting afterwards.

Oh, well, we tried.

Thanks.

Wait, wait, wait.

You can do the festival here.

We just got to be sneaky.

Like a coyote.

Oh, I like the sound of this.

Listen, the last show on Saturday night lets out at 11:00.

Once my manager drives off, the theater's ours.

It'll be a secret, one night only, midnight screening of a Hawk & Chick movie.

Okay, we'll do it.

Yes!

Thanks, Dominic.

You're all right.

So which Hawk & Chick movies do you have prints of?

"Prints"?

Yeah, you know, a print?

Thing that goes in the projector?

Makes pictures on the screen?

Oh, we don't have one of those.

No, we just thought we could bring our VHS tapes and just fast-forward through the commerci...

Okay, I realize how terrible that sounds.

Hmm, maybe I can find one.

All right, you know, I'll poke around on some film forums.

You're lucky I was planning to go online today.

Linda: Ooh, exciting!

An illegal samurai film festival!

I like all those words!

Now all we need is a movie.

And we got to convince Yuki to want to reunite with her father, who she might hate.

And we need flyers!

But how do we advertise a secret film screening?

Psst. You like movies?

Yeah, I like movies.

Are you cool?

What do you mean?

Forget it!

Keep moving.

How's it going?

Some of these people seem cool, but they're not!

How can you tell?

You can tell.

So, uh, trash can?

No. I think we owe it to an old Japanese man and his middle-aged daughter to see this through.

Wow, that just got me.

Let's try the quad at the community college.

There's two things those honkys love... foreign films and flyers telling them where other honkys will be!

Well, this is the address Kojima gave us.

That's her! That's Chick!

It's so gross to see her behind a desk.

She should be slicing up the Snow Monster or the Six-Headed Sumo!

God, idiot!

Please don't call her an idiot to her face.

Just get it out now.

Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!

All right, let's go get Yuki to say yes to the fest.

No.

What?

Look, I haven't even thought about those movies in years.

Okay, okay, we're giving you a chance to feel like a movie star again.

You can see yourself up on the big screen instead of staring at that number screen on your desk there.

I'm very happy as an accountant.

No, you're not.

I am.

You're depressed.

No, I'm not.

You didn't let me finish!

"...ing" me.

Depressing me!

Louise?

I mean, who makes 14 amazing movies with their dad, and then just walks away one day?!

Who does that, Yuki?

Louise, stop.

Who does that?!

Louise?

I'm sure it wasn't easy working with your dad all those years.

I-I know. I get it.

I've been there.

Wrong. Wrong!

Working with your dad is fun.

I mean working with your dad was fun.

Because he was a samurai and you killed monsters!

Yuki, um, can we have a minute, please?

Look, Louise, she obviously doesn't want to reconnect with her father.

We should call off the screening.

What? No way! We need to get her butt into that theater so she can apologize to Koji.

I think it's more like Kojima needs to apologize to Yuki for driving her away.

Yuki didn't want his life, Louise!

So we're in agreement.

We're not gonna tell her that her dad's here!

Wait. What?

We're gonna trick her.

We are?

Shh, shh, shh! Here she comes.

So, about that film festival... can we put you down as a "yes"?

I'm not so sure.

Yuki, Yuki, come on, Yuke.

Just say yes.

Imagine a packed theater of your adoring fans all there for you!

Just you, no Hawk.

It'll be Chick's night.

(loud gasping)

We love you, Yuki! Ah! Ah!

What is...?

She's doing a... like, a lot of people cheering, but it sounds more like a ghost.

Well, you do it, Dad. Can you do it. I guess that could be fun.

All right, what the hell. I'll go.

Great!

Great!

So you got her to come?

Both: Yup.

That's great.

Mm-hmm.

Did you use my icebreaker?

Pretend to rob the place? No.

Did you file for an extension on your taxes?

No, Tina. That's a myth.

You can't do that.

Well, how does Yuki feel about seeing her father?

We might not have told her that her dad was gonna be there.

On purpose by accident.

What? Yup.

Nice. You tricked her!

Yup.

I'm not sure you can trick people into reuniting.

Not true. That's how they got Mel Gibson and Danny Glover back together for Lethal Weapon 3.

Yeah, I read that.

This is gonna work, people.

Yuki's gonna see Hawk & Chick up on the big screen, get all weepy like Koji did, and realize how crazy she's been, and we're gonna be heroes, and we're gonna be invited to the premiere of their next movie in Japan!

Ooh, I got to get a passport.

Guess who got the print. Me!

I freaking love this guy!

Dominic! Ah, come here.

Which one is it?

Hawk & Chick versus Seaweed Monster.

Ooh, Seaweed Monster, scary!

Only thing... it's an original 35 millimeter print from Japan.

That's incredible.

No, I mean, original, vintage.

It's not dubbed in English.

It's not even subtitled.

Oh.

Yeah.

Well, so, can't you just whip up some English subtitles?

Oh, sure. Yeah, I'll just add some words to the screen.

What do you think this is, future world?

I have an idea... not about this.

Okay, wait. No, I got one about this, too.

I have, like, six ideas.

The third one's about this.

Dubbing it ourselves?

Great idea.

Thanks, Gene. Guys.

All right, I typed up all the subtitles from Hawk & Chick versus Seaweed Monster.

Did you guys know about spell check?

It's amazing.

It tells you if you misspell something.

I mean, it's... Some of it is open to interpretation.

But, you know, it's helpful.

Here's everyone's parts.

How many characters are you playing?

Three.

Ah, three's good.

I'm doing four characters, but I guess, you know, I'm more experienced.

But I've got a lot of lines because I'm the mayor.

You're the mayor?!

Bob, she's the mayor?!

Lin, it doesn't matter.

Tina, Tina, let me be the mayor.

Back off.

Let's dub, people!

Rub a dub dub!

(rhythmic clicking)

Bob: It has been many days since we have loaned you our lantern.

Can we have it back now?

Gene: Yes. I see you are returning the lantern with less lantern oil than when I lent it to you.

Also, the wick is in need of replacement.

Lot of lantern talk.

There's always a lot of lantern talk.

You get into it.

Already there.

As the mayor of this village...

As the mayor of this village...

Mom, back off.

Seriously.

All right, don't forget, secret screening, so we cannot look like a line!

The manager's gonna come out pretty soon and go home.

We're just 40-some-odd people who happen to be standing here.

So, look at your phones or up at the sky and whistle or something.

Oh. Okay. Like this?

Great.

Wait, wait.

Too many shoe tie-ers, One of you hail a cab.

Taxi!

What do I do?

Commit, commit, get in, circle the block.

Hello.

Right this way, talent.

I can't believe I agreed to this.

Are those from my rose bush?

Shh, shh. Tonight, you're a celebrity again.

You don't have a worry in the world.

Well, I'm worried about my roses.

They're fine. They're fine.

They're resilient!

Linda: Hi, Yuki!

Belcher family limo at your service!

You'll notice a bottle of water on your seat.

That's for you, because celebrities gets thirstier than normal people.

The cheese sticks hidden in the seat... uh, those are not for you.

I will now put up the privacy divider for the remainder of your ride.

(imitates window whirring up)

(mutters)

Okay, he's gone.

Get 'em in! Get 'em in!

Oh, crap, they're early!

Aw, crap, we're early!

They can't see each other yet!

I know! First Yuki's got to watch the movie, feel bad and want to repair their relationship!

I know! Our perfect plan!

Flawless!

We got to get him inside!

Koji, come on.

But I am giving Kevin an autograph.

Ugh. Forget Kevin.

Inside, now, let's go!

Gene! Privacy screen!

Get in there! Ah!

Aah! Ow! Aah!

You need privacy! Be private!

We got to move! Let's move!

Ow, you hit me.

That was... Kevin.

Kevin, get away!

Get away, Kevin!

(as Kevin): Ah, you got me away!

Watch out for the...

Ugh! Ow!

Okay, privacy's over.

You had some you time.

Thanks.

Okay, we'll come and get you when it's about to start!

Wait. Why can't I go in now?

Yeah, just relax and enjoy the green room.

Sorry it's not actually green, or a room.

You may have one cheese stick!

Okay, just sit here and be quiet.

And keep the jacket on your head till the movie starts.

It's very cold in here.

Okay. Got it.

No problem.

Enjoy the movie, lady!

You're in it! And here's some tissues.

They're good for when something life-changing happens.

All right, here we go.

Linda: It was a time in Japan when evil monsters would attack nice little villages for no good reason.

And the only force in all of Japan who could stop them...

Hawk & Chick!

Bob (as Hawk): There's a village up ahead.

Maybe there's hair that needs cutting.

Louise: And hopefully, no monsters that need defeating.

This is amazing!

I know!

We're incredible.

We really are.

Tina: Oh, no, seaweed monster!

You're ruining my haircut, and I'm the mayor!

Aah! (grunting) (grunting)

Seaweed monster, let me go!

So, you loving the movie?

No. Not really.

It's kind of painful?

Uh-huh. You want some popcorn?

Sure.

It is finally dead.

Father! It's not all dead!

(low, distorted): Part of it still wishes to fight.

That's not how I sound.

Is that how I sound?

No! Oh, God, I think the batteries are dying!

But we put new batteries in this morning!

How could this happen?

Fast-forward! Rewind!

Fast-forward! Rewind!

Fast-forward! Rewind!

Well, it's not that bad.

Maybe no one will notice.

(low and garbled): Let's send this thing back to the...

Okay, that's really bad.

We got to do something!

There's a mic.

I think we got to wing it.

Good thing we've seen this movie a thousand times.

Aah! Aah! No longer will you terrorize this town, Seaweed Monster.

We are going to weed you out!

Crap, we need the villagers!

Lin! Lin! Psst!

We need you guys up here.

What?

Come here! Hurry!

Which way did the Seaweed Monster go?

That way!

No, that way!

Gene: Aah! Monster! Green!

Green! Aah! Aah!

I can't do this.

Oh, God, she's leaving!

Yuki's leaving!

Oh, I forgot to tell you, your plan's not working.

She's having a terrible time. She told me.

I thought the popcorn would make her feel better, but it didn't.

Hang on, it's my line.

Don't hurt me.

I'm the mayor.

Don't hurt me. I'm the mayor.

Mom!

Louise: Damn it, Yuki, you're killing me!

What do we do?

What do we do?!

Bob: Wait.

Yuki, don't go!

Huh?

I mean, Chick.

I know we're fighting this Seaweed Monster right now, but I want you to know how much I love and support you, even if you decide...

Hold on. Hiya!

Aah!

...to stop fighting monsters with me someday and... do taxes instead.

Tina: And, Hawk, I want you to know... hiya!... if that ever happens, it's me who should apologize for leaving!

'Cause I would be dumb to do that.

I don't remember this part.

Are the actors really bad?

Yes. They're horrible.

Bob: No! Smash this house!

Chick doesn't need to apologize for anything!

Chick was just a kid!

And I hit this guy!

But... but... how could a father and daughter not talk for 30 freaking years?!

Whoa.

Seaweed Monster suddenly thinks this might be about something else.

And I'm squeezing you.

Sorry about that.

Am I gonna turn into someone completely different someday?

Is that what happens when you grow up?

You... you grow apart?

Listen, what happened to Hawk and Chick will never happen to us.

This Hawk and this Chick will never not talk for 30 years.

You promise?

Yes, of course, Louise.

I mean, Chick.

Foreign films are so much more complex than Hollywood movies.

(growls) I'm the monster again.

Aah, I'm getting stabbed.

I'm getting... I exploded.

I'm not sure why I... I explo...

I'm dead. I'm gone.

Koji, talk to her.

To who?

To Yuki.

My Yuki.

Yuki, it's... it's your father speaking.

Dad? What are you doing here?

You said he wasn't gonna be here.

You tricked me.

Uh, surprise.

Yuki, please, I've come all this way to tell you I miss you.

I am sorry for everything.

I have not been a good father.

Oh, she's thinking about it.

I love you, little Chick.

Oh, Dad.

Oh, he got her.

He got her.

(crying): We did it. We did it.

(applauding)

Wow, that ended up working way better than I thought it would.

Eh, it went about exactly the way I thought it would.

So I should get you kids home, right?

What time is it?

It's after midnight.

Is it a school night?

Yes, and I have a big test tomorrow.

It's, like, half my grade.

Oh, sorry.

Bob: Hastings Classics proudly presents: The Hawk & Chick collector's box set.

All 14 films, featuring the most celebrated father-daughter traveling barber samurais in the history of Japanese cinema.

All their epic battles have been digitally remastered.

The toughest job for Hawk wasn't cutting hair or defeating a jellyfish monster.

It was raising a daughter by himself.

Order today.

Take the Hawk & Chick box set home to your village.