Uptight (Oliver's Alright)

Miley comes racing down the stairwell in the schoolyard towards Lily at the bottom.

MILEY Lily! Lily! OK, guess who is crushing big time?

LILY Oh, Miley, not again, even Jeff Gordon makes a pit stop every once in a while!

MILEY I am not talking about me!

They walk over to a lunch table.

MILEY Although, tall, dark and yummy over there is definitely on my radar!

Miley stares over at a boy sitting at the next table. Lily clicks to get Miley's attention.

LILY Miley!

MILEY Right! Anyhow, I'm talking about Oliver. He is in love.

LILY Are you sure? I was just in the girls bathroom and there was nobody sobbing (whining) why me! Why me!

MILEY I'm sure. I just saw him upstairs and he was totally distracted and "spacey".

Oliver begins to walk down the stairwell and suddenly trips over, falling down the stairs cowering.

LILY Guess you're right. That's love. Painful, painful love.

Oliver gets himself up off the ground.

OLIVER Hey, how's it going? Nice gigs. Timm-y!

Miley and Lily walk over to him.

LILY Spill it Oliver, who is she?

OLIVER Who's who?

MILEY The girl who you're falling for... (pause) all the way down the stairs!

OLIVER There's no girl.

LILY Oh, really. Then how do you explain this box of chocolates?

She waves the box of chocolates from Oliver's bag around.

OLIVER Alright ... fine ... they're for a girl.

LILY What's her name?

OLIVER Guys she's not even in our grade, (snatches box of chocolates from Lily) you don't even know her.

The three of them walk over and take a seat at the table again.

LILY (teasing) Come on, you know you want to tell us.

MILEY Yea-h! (pokes Oliver repetitively) come on, come on! Come on, come on!

LILY Tell us, tell us! Tell us, tell us!

MILEY Come on!

LILY Tell us!

MILEY Come on!

LILY Tell us!

Oliver jumps up from his seat and takes his bag.

OLIVER (Defensively) Come on guys, just leave me alone! OK!

Oliver walks away and Lily and Miley sit closer together, impersonating a cat's miow.

LILY / MILEY Ra-aw!

MILEY I've never seen him like this.

LILY I know. Maybe we should just respect his privacy.

MILEY Yeah. (pause) Although, if we respect it to long, we'll loose his trail. Come on!

The two of them jump off their chairs and follow Oliver's trail.



Oliver is walking along the corridor with the box of chocolates in his hand making sure no one can see him. He slowly opens the door to the Nurse's station as Miley and Lily reach the entrance to the hall.

MILEY Oh!

They suddenly hear the nurse's voice coming from the station.



In the Nurse's station, the Nurse is cradling the box of chocolates from Oliver.

NURSE Oh, thank-you Oliver.

Miley and Lily walk over closer and peer in the window.

OLIVER The ones with the little squigglies on top are the best.

The nurse pats them across her heart, Miley and Lily watching in disgrace. As Oliver walks out, Lily and Miley run over to the notice board.

MILEY I'm going to take A.P. English.

LILY I think I'll take A.P. Water Polo.

Oliver gives them a quick glance but then, shrugging, walks off down the corridor. They jump to attention.

MILEY (Flared) Good night, nurse! Oliver is crushing on someone old enough to remember the Beatles!

LILY (Baffled) The who?

MILEY You to!



OPENING CREDITS

starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

and BILLY RAY CYRUS

"HANNAH MONTANA"



At the school, Miley and Lily are still standing in the corridor, only this time, people are walking through.

LILY Well he did say she wasn't in our grade!

MILEY Not in our grade? She ain't in our generation!

LILY Oh, hey...that's a good one! I can't wait to use that one on him!

Lily starts to head for Oliver, but Miley stops her.

MILEY No! You can't! Remember in seventh grade when you had a crush on Mr. Hugano, the french teacher?

LILY Vaguely.

MILEY Please! You wore a beret and said "we-we" so much, people started calling you Tinkle Truscott.

LILY OK, fine! But people made fun of me, I got over it, and now nobody even remembers!

Amber and Ashley walk over to them.

ASHLEY (To Lily) Hey, Tinkle! We've got same stale french fries here! (holds them up)

AMBER And you know how you like things old and french!

AMBER / ASHLEY Oolala, Tss.

They walk off.

LILY (Shouts after them) That was two years ago!

MILEY (calling after them) Yeah! She's had a ton of boyfriends since then! OK fine, two... Lucas cheated on her, but that doesn't really count! And the other one she took to court but if she ...

LILY Stop helping me! (lowers voice) I get it. I can't make fun of Oliver. For this. Everything else is fair game, right?

MILEY Of course. Now we've just gotta' protect him from the trash talking twins.

LILY How?

MILEY Simple. We get him nursing on a new crush, not crushing on an old nurse.

LILY One other good one I can't use. (sighs)

MILEY Come on...



At the Stewart Household, Robby is on the phone to his mother.

ROBBY Mom, you may want to sit down for this one. Jackson, you're grandson, got a 'B'. (Holds up paper)

We hear loud screaming from the intercom inserted on the phone.

ROBBY Told you, you may want to sit down. Yep, and it's all because of this new girlfriend he's got. Tell you what, she is as smart as a whip, and you ain't gonna' believe what an influence she's been on him. (Jackson and his girlfriend walk in) Hey, here they come, I gotta' go, if you can't get up, call me back. (The two teens walk over to him) There they are! My B boy and his A plus lady!

JACKSON Dad!

ALLISON Hi Mr. Stewart.

ROBBY Little lady, from now on, you can just call me Happy Pappy.

JACKSON He's not really my Dad. I was left on his doorstep. By a wizard. (gestures wizard top hat)

ROBBY Oh son, come on now, I didn't mean to embarrass you, but look at this! (walks over to fridge) You made the refrigerator! (he begins to cry) I'm sorry, I just got a little dust in my eye, that's all.

ALLISON (To Jackson) Wow. What'll he do when he finds out about your A on the history quiz?

JACKSON That's a risk I can't take!

Jackson chews up a piece of paper in his hands and keeps it in his mouth.

ROBBY (still crying) OK. I'm just gonna' go for a jog now and leave you two to your - "studying". I'm sorry. More dust!

He runs out the door.



While Jackson is upstairs, Allison is sitting on the couch as her phone rings.

ALLISON Hey Monica! Yeah, we're studying for the Chem test. I dunno, he's cute, but I'm just not feeling it anymore.

Robby is standing at the doorway behind the piano listening in on her conversation, and his mouth falls open.

ALLISON I was going to break up with him today.

Robby holds up his hands to gesture a prevention.

ALLISON But I just can't.

Robby pulls his arms downs in a victory gesture.

ALLISON I'll wait until after the test tomorrow.

Robby begins to mime sobbing as Jackson comes over to him from upstairs.

JACKSON Pull it together old man! It's not like it's the last B I'll ever get!

ROBBY Wanna' bet?

Shrugging, Jackson walks back down to the couch.



In the schoolyard, Miley and Lily are looking around the tables for girls that would match with Oliver.

LILY OK, who's the lucky lady who's going to break the "nurse curse"? Hey, what about Stephanie, she's cute!

MILEY And on last year's field trip she sat in front of Oliver ...

LILY Oh yeah. He scarfed down three hot dogs before they got on the bus ...

MILEY And she was wearing them when they got off!

They walk over in the other direction.

LILY No problem, argh...I'm sure there's plenty of girls for Oliver.

MILEY Yeah, well let's see ... (as they walk past tables of girls, they point at them) tricked her, sat on her lunch ... spilled on ... spilled on ... (grunts) and poor Pamela ... the only survivor of the Oiken natural gas disaster of 2006.

LILY This may be harder than we thought.

The nurse comes down the stairwell.

MILEY Oh no, there she is. Sweet old lady doesn't suspect a thing!

Oliver comes racing down the stairs behind her.

MILEY Lover boy's at it again, let's go!

As Oliver turns the corner, followed by Miley and Lily, he places a note under the Nurse's door.



The nurse in her office is reading the note from Oliver as Miley and Lily walk in.

NURSE Oh, hey guys, what's up? Miley, did you get hit by a football again?

MILEY No.

NURSE Soccer ball?

MILEY No.

NURSE Boomerang?

MILEY No, I'm fine! This isn't about me.

LILY It's about Oliver, and you, and the chocolates, and that note.

NURSE So you know?

MILEY (Nods) Yeah.

NURSE (Relieved) Oh, I am so glad he told you.

LILY You are?

NURSE Absolutely! He wanted this to be our ... (closes blinds on door)/i> our little secret. But I told him it was nothing to be ashamed of.

MILEY (Surprised) You did?

NURSE Of course! Oliver didn't ask for this to happen, I mean ... none of us ever do. But when it does you can either run away from it or you can embrace it!

LILY (Shocked) And you want him to embrace it?

NURSE Oh, I begged him to and now that he has ... I couldn't be happier!

MILEY You're kidding me, right!

NURSE Why would I kid about Oliver having diabetes?

LILY / MILEY (Astounded) What?



Miley and Lily are still standing shocked.

LILY Oliver has diabetes?

NURSE Of course, what did you think I was talking about?

MILEY (Refluxing) Diabetes! Oliver ... has diabetes! She meant to say it with the period, but she said it with a question mark by mistake. Right, Lily?

LILY Argh ... oh yeah. (speaks in up and down tone) It's a teenage girl thing.

MILEY We all do it.

LILY My mum hates it.

NURSE Wait a minute, you didn't think that Oliver had a ...

MILEY / LILY No!

NURSE Because I would never ...

MILEY / LILY Of course not!

NURSE Me and Oliver?

MILEY / LILY We know.

MILEY I mean, let's face it. You still have a couple of good years left, you could do a lot better.

NURSE Gee, thanks. (walks back to desk)

LILY Poor Oliver.

MILEY I know. I just wanna' give him a big hug.

LILY Oh, this is why he gave her the chocolates. So he wouldn't eat them. When you have diabetes you're not supposed to have a lot of sugar.

NURSE Wait a minute, you guys didn't know, did you?

They put on a fake grin and point back at her, thinking of an excuse, but have nothing. They turn away shamefully.

LILY / MILEY Uh-argh.

NURSE Oh boy. (sits down) OK, listen, you can live a very full life with diabetes, but this is all still very new to Oliver and he's struggling with it. So please, let him tell you, OK?

LILY But, what if he doesn't?

MILEY Yeah - we're his friends, I mean, we wanna' help him.

NURSE You're just going to have to be patient, OK?

MILEY OK. We can do that.



Miley and Lily are leaning up against their lockers in boredom. They bang their heads across the lockers impatiently.

MILEY We can't do this! Miley is sitting at the kitchen table with her dad reading over something on her laptop.

MILEY It says here that Oliver's body just doesn't process sugar the way it's supposed to. But if he takes his insulin and doesn't eat to many sweets, he can lead a normal life. (she takes out an ice cream sundae from her knee and digs into it) I don't know why he is so afraid to tell us. (through a mouthful) I could totally help him stay away from sugar.

ROBBY I agree. You are quite the little robot.

MILEY That's not the point. I mean, he's gotta' tell us eventually. What's he waiting for?

ROBBY I can't imagine. It's not like you didn't tell him you were Hannah Montana right off the back. I mean, you didn't keep him waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting ...

MILEY I got the point Captain Subtle!

ROBBY Hey, I got a great idea, why don't you take him to Traci's party tonight? Hang out, have fun, get his mind off things.

MILEY ... that's actually a good idea!

ROBBY (Walks to fridge) I do have those on occasion, you know. It's not like I'm one of those doopy TV dads!

MILEY You keep telling that yourself, big fella.

As Miley walks away, Robby looks over at Jackson's quiz paper marked with B.

ROBBY Oh ... my little B boy! I hardly knew you!

Jackson and Allison walk in.

JACKSON OK ... so what do you call a pig who knows karate? A pork chop! Ha-ya!

ROBBY Jackson! Allison! You're here! Together, that's great!

Robby embraces them with his arms.

ROBBY You are a b-eautiful couple!

JACKSON Don't worry, he always gets like this just before nappy time, huh? I'll be right back.

Jackson takes Robby aside into the kitchen.

JACKSON Don't blow this for me! She said she wants to "talk" and I think we both know what that means.

ROBBY Well, one of us does.

JACKSON I don't have time for you words old man, so just go!

Jackson ushers Robby upstairs.

JACKSON Go, go, go!

As Robby goes off, Jackson comes back downstairs with an attractive look on his face. Allison looks away as he puts some breath spray on - but accidently sprays it the wrong way. He corrects himself and "dances" over to the couch where Allison is waiting in anxiety.

JACKSON Aye, aye, aye, aye! (Allison glares over at him) I ... I am just dancing over to you because I can't wait to talk. (jumps on couch and pops lips) ready when you are.

ALLISON Actually, I really did want to talk.

JACKSON (Taken aback) Really? OK, well I guess we could, you know, start with that...

ALLISON Listen, Jackson....

Robby suddenly comes down the stairs and crouches down in between Allison and Jackson.

ROBBY Hey, uh, before I take my nap I just wanted to say to you that you are the best girlfriend Jackson has ever had. Ever...he's had a lot, I can't keep the ladies off of this one.

JACKSON Dad, we're trying to have a little conversation here...

ROBBY Conversation? Oh, you don't want to do that. Talking is the quickest way to ruin a relationship! (he comes and joins them on the couch) Hey, let me ask you, have you kissed him yet?

Jackson and Allison stare at him.

ROBBY All the ladies say he's got lips like butter.

JACKSON Dad!

ROBBY Oh, son, don't be modest. You know, Stewart men only get better looking with age. (he beckons himself) Exhibit A.

JACKSON (To Allison) Would you excuse us?

He and Robby walk off.

ROBBY (as they walk off) Did I happen to mention he's going to inherit a lot of money?

JACKSON What are you doing?

ROBBY I'm trying to get you into college!

JACKSON How? By humiliating me?

ROBBY By saving this relationship.

Allison looks over.

ROBBY I heard her on the phone yesterday, she's gonna' break up with you.

JACKSON What?

ROBBY Sorry, son.

Jackson turns back to Allison.

JACKSON Is that true? You want to break up with me?

ALLISON (long pause, relieved) Yeah! I didn't know exactly how to say it. Thank-you so much Mr. Stewart. (rises) Wow! That was easier than I thought!

She walks out.



Robby is sitting on the couch in tears, Jackson comforting him.

ROBBY It's just so unfair! I did everything I could! What more did she want?

JACKSON Look, these things happen.

ROBBY How could you be so OK with this?

JACKSON Well - I just found out that I'm gonna' inherit a ton of money! (pauses) And get even better looking! And you said I needed college! Yeah, wow!

He runs off wildly upstairs.



Hannah, Mike and Lola come through the bushes towards the entrance to Traci's party.

HANNAH Oh, come on guys, it'll be fun!

MIKE Guys, I don't know, man...I got a ton of homework, maybe I should just go home...

LOLA Oliver, OK...you are not thinking clearly, OK. This is Traci's sweet 16! There's gonna' be a ton of sweet 16's...if you know what I mean.

MIKE What do you mean?

HANNAH There'll be a lot of cute girls! Pretty girls...oh, and better yet, girls that haven't really formed an opinion yet.

LOLA Oh, and you know sometimes...it's good to take a break from things like, you know, homework, or stuff that may be weighing heavily on your mind.

HANNAH Or lightly...you know, stuff that seams heavy now, but with time, and the support of your great friends...

LOLA And a well-balanced diet.

HANNAH ...life can be a wonderful thing.

LOLA A wonderful, wonderful thing!

MIKE OK...I'm thinking your wigs are on a little too tight...(goes to walk off; Hannah pulls him back)

HANNAH And you are right. See, we need you. We are not stable. Come on, let's go have fun.

Lola and Hannah push Mike into the party...only to regret doing so when they find that the party is "sweet" based, with tables and tables of candy...

MIKE (as some girls walk past) Oh, my gosh, look at all of the cupcakes...

HANNAH Aargh, yeah...you really should get that homework done, it's not going to do itself mister, let's go!

They go to charge out, but Traci runs over...

TRACI Hannah! Welcome to my sweet sixteen...emphasis on the "sweet".

HANNAH Yep, everything looks great here, happy b'day, air kiss, 'gotta go, bye! (hauls Traci's present at her)

TRACI Wait, you just got here! Let's split the difference. Chiai, Lola. (Lola mocks her)

HANNAH Oh, no, see we've all gotta' get out of here, I have a headache, he's got homework to do, and she just can't stand you.

MIKE You know, OK...it can wait, it can wait. You know, like you said, life can be a wonderful, wonderful thing...(spots some cute girls)...hello there, wonderful thing...(walks over to them)

TRACI So, it's settled, you're staying! (to Lola) And seriously, I have a driver if you need a ride home.

LOLA (impersonating Traci's voice) And seriously, um...nobody here really thinks your sixteen. (Traci looks around anxiously; Lola waves her off)

HANNAH Yeah...bring him along, it'll be fun...thanks a lot, dad!!

LOLA What are we supposed to do now?

HANNAH Why does it always have to be me? Don't you have an idea, a suggestion...something to get the ball rolling...

LOLA Jeesh! What do you want me to do, eat every cupcake, cookie and brownie before he does?

HANNAH Finally, something useful!

Hannah and Lola high-five, as Hannah runs off. Lola does a little dance to herself.

LOLA Yeah! I have a good idea, yes I do...(Traci walks over)

TRACI Getting a pet rat, so at least you'll look good next to something?

LOLA Yeah, what size collar do you wear? (they growl at each other; and go off in opposite directions)



Mike is standing talking to a girl as a waiter comes with a tray of cupcakes.

MIKE Oh, sweet things everywhere I look, and I mean everywhere...(grabs off two cupcakes)...here you go...

Hannah and Lola come over and take the cupcakes and stuff into them (they under the assumption Mike was going to eat them himself)

LOLA (she and Hannah make indistinct murmurs) Oh, he's such a gentleman...

MIKE What are you guys doing?

HANNAH (through a mouthful) I'm just hungry...(walks off)

LOLA (through a mouthful) Really, really hungry...(follows Hannah; then runs back and takes the tray of cupcakes from the waiter)



MIKE (to some girls) So, I said to her Beyonce, in my book...you're A-eyonce! Hahaha, right...

Mike is chewing on a large string of red liquorice, and finds Hannah pulling at the bottom of it, trying to get it away from him.

MIKE What are you doing?

HANNAH I love liquorice!

MIKE Well go get your own!

HANNAH There's no more!

MIKE She's got a whole tray over there...

They look over and see that Lola has taken the whole tray of liquorice from the waiter.

LOLA Little late for (???). Can't have just one!

HANNAH Let's go!

Lola and Hannah run off with the liquorice.

MIKE (to the girls) Celebrities…they think they're entitled to everything!



A little while later, Hannah and Lola are at one of the candy tables stuffing their clothes with the candy and goods, and getting them out of Oliver's reach. They sit down, stuffed, as Traci runs after a group of people leaving the party...

TRACI Wait! I don't know where all the food went, I...I got enough to feed a whale!

LOLA ...or two.

HANNAH Well, the good news is, we saved Oliver from all that...(mimes a vomit) ...I never thought I'd hate the taste of a brownie.

LOLA Hey, where is Oliver anyway, I can't see him...

HANNAH I can't see my belt!

Mike comes running out from the bush.

MIKE Hey, where did everybody go?

HANNAH (drained) Party's...

LOLA (also drained) ...over...boo 'ya...

MIKE Hey, you know...I never even got anything to eat. (a wrapper blows off the cupcake stand to reveal there is one left, he approaches it...) Oh, finally...

HANNAH / LOLA NOOO!

They get up from their seats and jump on top of Oliver, to stop him from getting to the cupcake.

MIKE What is wrong with you guys?

LOLA We, urgh...we really like cupcakes.

HANNAH And we know about your diabetes. (they stand)

LOLA Yeah, the school nurse told us...and we couldn't just stand by and let you eat that cupcake.

HANNAH (gesturing around her shirt) Or this cupcake, or this cupcake, or this cupcake...(takes a pie base from her shirt)...or, this pie...

MIKE You guys think I can't eat this stuff because I have diabetes?

HANNAH Well, yeah...I mean, I think so…see, I didn't get to finish that pamphlet because I got ice cream all over it...

LOLA (under her breath) Don't say ice cream in front of him!

HANNAH ...sorry...

MIKE Guys, I have type one diabetes, which means I can have stuff with sugar in it...so long as I manage my diet, and monitor my blood sugar with this. (takes out a device from his pocket; and beeps it) You know actually, according to this, my blood sugar's low, which means I actually need something, urgh...like a brownie...if there were any left.

LOLA Oh, wait, wait...(pulls out a brownie from her shirt) ...kept that warm for you.

MIKE OK...thanks...(takes the brownie reluctantly)

HANNAH Look, Oliver, I'm sorry, but...why didn't you tell us?

MIKE I 'dunno...you know, I didn't want you guys to look at me like I was broken. Because I'm not.

HANNAH Well, we would've known that, if you had of told us.

MIKE Yeah, I know, and I should have.

HANNAH Yeah, and I guess I should have read all that pamphlet before we became the "food police". (she and Lola tap their stomachs)

MIKE (takes a bite of his brownie) Mmm...it's chocolatey, and…it's got like a hint of, urgh...pineapple...

LOLA (looks embarrassed) Urgh...that's my tropical mist deodorant.

MIKE Maybe we should just, argh, stop by a (???) on the way home...

HANNAH Good idea.

Arm in arm, the three of them walk off...



Hannah, Lola and Mike are sitting on Miley's couch in the Stewarts' living room...talking to the camera, as their real selves.

MIKE Tonight we learned a lot of important things.

HANNAH Yeah, I learned that forty kids get diagnosed with type one diabetes every day.

LOLA Yeah, and I learned you can't get it from eating too many sweets.

MIKE And I learned, if you take your insulin appropriately, exercise and eat a balanced diet, you can do anything and be anything you want to be.

Jackson comes running down from upstairs.

JACKSON And I learnt that someday, I'm gonna' be good looking, and...I'm gonna' inherit a lot of money! (laughs spitefully at Hannah)

HANNAH And I learned that my brother's really annoying...oh wait, I already knew that!

Hannah and Jackson start 'mocking' each other in their normal way, before they all look at the camera one last time and smile...