Break-Up and Shape-Up

Tony, I've got a great idea for what we can do this Saturday!

I bet we're thinking the same thing!

Art museum.

Go bowling.

Okay, you know I love going bowling with you and eating hot wings while inhaling shoe disinfectant.

But we just went bowling last weekend.

Because the weekend before we went to The Met.

Which, by the way, had nothing to do with the actual Mets!

Yeah, I'm sorry you had to walk around the museum with a baseball mitt, but I did buy you peanuts.

So, you want to grab some lunch?

As nice as that sounds, I can't.

I'm stuck training some new doorman named Vic who probably can't tell push from pull.

Is that really a problem?

You'd be surprised.

Look at the hinges people. Look at the hinges!

Yo, Tony, it's me, your new doorman!

Uh-oh.

I'm Vicky Montesano, Theresa's little sister.

You probably don't recognize me since I lost the braces and had the nostril reduction surgery.

Better, see?

Holy Cannoli! Little Vicky?

Now I remember! I can still picture you in your Catholic school uniform!

[Chuckles]

Okay, you can stop doing that now.

Hi, I'm Vic.

Tony and me go way back.

Hi, I'm Jessie. Tony and I go out.

They're going to snap him like a wishbone.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ My whole world is changing. Turning around. ♪ ♪ They got me going crazy. Yeah, they're shaking the ground. ♪ ♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town. ♪ ♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie. ♪

[Music]

What are you guys making?

Toast.

And my doctor wonders why I'm tense.

He says my stress levels are somewhere between...

" Getaway driver" and "shark whisperer".

Bertram, if you are serious about getting healthier, maybe we can help you.

Really? Aw, I'm touched that you care.

Hey, we don't want anything to happen to the guy who buys our food.

And we care. [Chuckles]

Well, anything you guys come up with will better than my plan.

Which is to buy bigger pants.

Do they make bigger pants?

Hey, girls.

Vic, why don't you go sort the mail?

You got it.

If I get a paper cut will you kiss it and make it feel better?

There's a first aid kit.

Vic is doing great. I mean, she's really fitting in.

Especially into her uniform.

Really shows off her...

Epaulets.

Vic: Tony, can you give me a hand?

Sure, Vic. [Gasps]

I forgot it was catalog day!

Lift with your legs!

Jessie, aren't you worried about this?

Of course not!

But they're gonna be in that little room together, lifting...

With their legs!

Look, I totally trust Tony.

Now let's go to the park and pray. I mean, play.

Meditation can help you reduce your stress.

Begin by clearing your mind.

[Tv blaring]

I said clear your mind, not the DVR.

But I want to watch Extreme Crafting Death Match.

I love when they do battle in The Yarn Barn.

No! Now, concentrate on your breathing.

In through your nose, out through your mouth.

[Gagging]

Oh, what is that horrible smell?

Perhaps you relaxed a little too much.

[Gags] Okay!

There's no bigger fan of sitting and doing nothing than me, but I can't take this awful stench!

What is that awful aroma?

[Sniffing] [Coughing]

Luke, why are you spreading your stench?

Because your mumbo jumbo is not going to help Bertram get rid of his stress.

Oh, so you think you have a better idea?

Always.

What Bertram needs is exercise.

You know, to work up a sweat.

Smells like you have worked up enough for both of you!

It's a gift!

Jessie, remember you told me about a guy you dated in high school named Ted Hoover?

Sure, he's the only guy I ever dumped.

You dumped him?

What kind of horrific, troll beast was he?

He wasn't a troll, he was just a...

Heavy, hairy in the wrong places, slightly smelly toll booth attendant at our local bridge.

Oh, my gosh, he might actually have been a troll.

Well, I went on FacePage and found his profile pic.

He's changed. And he's in town.

So I invited him over so you can make Tony jealous.

[Scoffs]

That won't work, not unless Ted has changed a lot.

[Elevator dings]

Jessie!

Ted? You've changed a lot!

If he's the troll, I'm crossing that bridge every day.

Yeah, after you broke up with me, I started working out and losing weight.

Plus, I, uh, got the hump removed.

I was gonna say, who did your hump work? Because it looks fantastic!

I'm Zuri. Hug me.

Okay.

Sorry. When Zuri sees something she wants, she goes for it.

[Grunts]

So, Ted, are you in town for some kind of International Handsome Man Convention?

Zuri, that's just silly.

Ooh, no, she's right. I'm a model now.

And the IHMC is great for networking.

Well, you guys obviously have a lot to catch up on.

Right, so we should go to lunch.

Through the lobby. Past the doorman.

Okay, however you get to the street.

Great plan, Emma.

How did Jessie ever keep a man before us? [Elevator dings]

She didn't.

Oh, right.

[Music]

Twelve minutes.

Not bad for a mile.

You were running the 100 yard dash!

And you stopped at a hot dog cart.

Now let's do some chin-ups.

[Groaning]

Okay, your turn.

You've got to be kidding.

We could do some more running.

Upsy daisy!

[Straining] [Metal creaking]

Just a moment.

[Groans]

Bertram, are you okay?

No, I need some ice.

Maybe the snow cone guy will let me sit on his cart.

Well, well, well.

Can someone not handle his fitness bit-ness?

Please never say bit-ness again.

Hey...

Did you sabotage this bar?

Maybe.

Just like your foul underarm odor ruined my meditation session.

Because it was pointless!

My plan for Bertram will work.

Maybe.

[Both laughing]

Hey, Tony. Look who dropped by. My ex-boyfriend, Ted.

Try to keep calm.

Don't fly into a jealous rage.

Hey, Ted.

Nice boots.

Ah, thanks, man.

Well. That was a letdown.

Don't worry, I got this.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! [Muffled]

Now, to be hypnotized, just concentrate on this watch as I count backwards from three.

Three...

This is so stupid.

Two.

Don't you have to be weak-minded for this to work?

One.

[Snoring]

Yes. Yes, you do.

From now on, you will no longer enjoy the taste of apple pie, butter, chocolate, donuts, egg creams, French fries...

Toffee cake, upside-down cake, vanilla cake.

And anything that ends in whiz.

No whiz.

Very good.

I will now bring you out of your trance with the ring of a bell.

As soon as I find the bell.

Stay put. Do not give me the Freudian slip! [Laughs]

Oh, hypnotism humor.

Tough room.

[Imitating ravi] Whenever someone says Bertram, you will act like a cat, until someone says your name again.

This hypnotic suggestion was brought to you by Ravi.

Ah, there it is. Silly me.

[Ringing]

So, how do you feel, Bertram?

Meow.

What is the matter, Bertram?

Nothing. I feel great.

'Sup, Bertram?

[Hissing]

Cat got your tongue?

Luke, what did you do?

Stop it, Bertram!

Why am I caught in your Kurta?

Because Luke exploited your hypnotic state to make you act like a cat!

Because you sabotaged all my exercise sessions!

What are you guys talking about?

Well, Luke and I disagreed about how to help you manage your stress.

And I guess we kind of got carried away trying to prove who was right.

What?

I thought you guys really cared about me, obviously I was wrong.

We're really sorry...

Bertram.

Meow.

Meow!

[Ted laughing]

You know what, Jessie, I am having a really great time.

Not for long.

So, what's it like being a male model?

Awesome! These runway shows pay you a fortune to walk around, wear clothes, and look good, which...

I was totally doing anyway!

You know, I can't talk to Tony about fashion.

He thinks an ankle boot is something you wear when you're under house arrest.

Oh, whoa. Don't move. You've got a ladybug on your shoulder.

You know those are good luck, right?

Apparently, not for me.

Here, take my jacket.

No, really, I'm...

Whoa.

Uh. I mean, no, I'm arm enough.

Warm! Warm enough!

Oh, man!

If Jessie's mindless babbling can't ruin this date, what hope do I have?

Zuri, don't you have anything better to do than watch us eat?

I'm eight. I've got nothing but time.

And according to my teacher, a very poor attitude.

So, where's your girlfriend?

Off having lunch with some hunky hayseed.

I've never said this about anyone before but...

I think he may have better hair than me.

No way!

And if she likes that guy more than you, she's nuts!

You're perfect!

Jessie doesn't think so.

She says I spend too much time bowling.

What? How dare she!

Bowling is the national sport of Brooklyn!

After running from the cops. [Both laugh]

And remember what your grandma always used to say.

Sorry, I had cabbage?

Yeah, but also, L'Amour non trovare un difetto...

L'Amour cieco.

They're bonding in Italian?

Mamma Mia, it's go time!

[Barking]

Tony: Aw, man!

My meatball sub got munched by a mutt!

Darn! Guess your cozy little lunch is ruined.

Better get back to work, Tony.

Oh, here, Tone, we can just share my pasta.

You were supposed to take the pasta, too!

I am so disappointed in you guys.

[Whining]

[Elevator dings]

Good afternoon, Miss Prescott. Delivery.

[Glass shattering]

There goes my stained glass window kit.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing's wrong. How was your lunch with G.Q. McCowboy?

Aha!

You're jealous that I had lunch with Ted.

I didn't have time to be jealous, because I was having lunch with Vic.

What do you think about that?

I think she seems like a very nice girl.

I'm sure she has a heart as big as her hair.

Aha! You're jealous!

Oh, please, I'm not that immature. You can be friends with anyone you want.

Thanks, I will.

In fact, why don't we all be very mature and have dinner together?

One big sophisticated group of friends.

Fine by me. We'll have it at my place. I'll use the good China.

You mean styrofoam?

Yes, I mean styrofoam.

Excellent. I look forward to it.

As do I.

Sorry, I need you to sign for that package.

Oh, right yeah!

[Music]

[Elevator dings]

Hey.

How did your follow-up doctor's appointment go?

Like you guys care.

Oh, we do! And we really want to apologize.

All we wanted to do was see who could help you the most.

So, when you think about it, we only hurt you because we care too much.

That makes no sense.

But I guess I forgive you.

Thank you! So, what did your doctor say?

He said thanks to you two, my stress levels are even higher than before.

So he gave me a new prescription.

To meditate?

To exercise?

Neither.

Stay 50 feet away from children at all times.

Doctors' orders.

But...

Back up.

Back up.

Back. Back. Back. Back. Back.

Back. Back. Back. Back. Back.

Hello? It's cold out here!

So, work up a sweat exercising.

Or, meditate until you believe you're warm.

[Chuckling]

Anyone want another Panini?

[Sizzling]

No, thanks. My last one was a little linty.

This is a real nice apartment, Tone.

And your neighbors are so friendly!

Even the muggers have manners.

Yeah, it's always nice to hear please before someone takes your wallet.

I'm glad you like it, Vic.

Some people don't appreciate it.

Just because it doesn't have fancy things like a doorman or air conditioning...

Or a way to escape in the event of a fire.

Well, excuse me for thinking you shouldn't live in a neighborhood called Murdertown.

It's not called Murdertown!

It's The Historic Murdertown District.

Hey, you got a little something.

Hey, Ted, you got a little something, too.

Oh, ow!

Oh, whoa! What's the matter?

Oh, I think I just cut myself on your cheekbones.

Okay, something's wrong here.

Why would you say that, Ted?

There's nothing wrong with my girlfriend obsessing over her supermodel ex.

Or with my boyfriend taking hours to teach his beautiful protegee how to open a ding-dang door!

You've never understood my work!

Opening doors is an art!

No, it's not! It's something we all do to keep from running into walls!

Oh, look, Tony left the oven open!

Don't close it. That's the central heating.

[Crashing] [Groans]

What are you two doing here?

Keeping you and Tony from making a huge mistake!

We're in this relationship, too, you know!

Okay, I haven't been this confused since that modeling shoot for reversible underwear.

I still don't know if I had them on inside out.

You're lucky you're pretty.

Very pretty.

Jessie, may I speak with you in the living room?

Absolutely.

Why are you acting this way?

What way? I'm not acting in a way!

If anyone's acting in a way, it's you!

Well, if you don't like the way I act, maybe you should just go out with Ted!

Maybe I should!

He and I have a lot more in common than we do.

And if you think I don't understand you, why don't you just go out with Vic?

Done!

Whoa, Tony, hold your Hair Gel!

I did want to date you, but now that I see what a jealous mook you are.

Forget about it.

And Jessie, you didn't seem so interested when I looked like a before picture.

[Sighs]

Plus, you dumped me by texting my mom!

I wanted you to hear it from someone who actually cared about you!

I'm not making it better, am I?

Yikes, that is a bad way to dump someone.

And that's coming from a girl who was once literally dumped...

Out of the back of a truck.

That is no way to treat a lady.

Hey, you want to let these guys duke it out and go grab some fro-yo?

Okay!

I know a great, cheap place on the corner.

We just got to duck the police tape.

Sweet. Oh, and don't worry about money.

When you're as pretty as me, you never have to pay for stuff.

I did not see that coming.

Okay, you guys obviously need your privacy.

We'll wait in the bathroom.

[Sighs]

Jessie, what are we doing? This isn't us.

Well, it wasn't us, but...

The truth is, things just haven't been the same lately.

Have you felt that too?

Actually, yeah.

I used to love doing things I hate with you.

Me too!

But now I have to fight the urge to throw your bowling ball through a windshield!

And if I have to watch a movie with subtitles one more time, I'll puke in my popcorn!

If I want to read, I'll pick up a comic book!

So...

I guess the spark is kind of gone.

Kind of.

Look, the truth is, I was attracted to Ted.

Do you hate me?

Actually, no.

Because if I'm being honest, I had feelings for Vic, too.

[Sighs]

So, what do we do now?

I don't know. I mean, if we're noticing other people...

Maybe it's a sign that we should see other people.

And maybe even date 'em.

I guess that's what you...

That's what I meant when I said...

So...

Are we breaking up?

I guess so.

[Sighs]

And I will always love you.

I'll always love you, too.

Friends, right?

Absolutely!

Friends. Always.

[Blowing noses]

[Sobbing hysterically]

How could you do this to us?

I feel like I've been kicked in the gut!

And you couldn't have sprung for two-ply?

Girls, come here, it'll be okay.

Look, soon, this will all be just another one of my break-up stories that I tell over and over and over.

[Both sobbing hysterically]

Okay, I get it.

This may be the wrong time to mention this, but there's definitely something swimming in this toilet.

[Squeaking] [All scream]

So, Ted and Vic ended up together.

Tony and I broke up, and to top it all off...

I had to fish a rat out of the toilet!

Still sounds like one of your better dates.

Sympathetic as always, but thanks you for listening, Bertram.

Meow.

Okay, you can stop listening now!

What is wrong with you, Bertram?

I'm sorry, you were saying something?

Maybe I should start confiding in Emma.