Sing Like a Larry Bird

Hey, mom, love the jacket. Your late 20s are really treating you well. And, George Clooney What did you do with my dad? - What do you want? - Right. Thanks. So I was wondering if I could go to a lecture on cultural studies, sometimes referred to as a Jay-Z concert. When? Night before Friday. - So Thursday. - You could look at it that way, sure. - Yeah, not on a school night. - Look, I already turned in all my homework, Megan's dad is driving, and I'm gonna ask Reggie, because he's responsible and Asian. Amber, no. I don't like your jacket. It looks fat. Whoa! Slow down there, tiger. - Eat me! - Mm! She's a charmer, that one. George clooney! What did you do with Debbie Weaver? What do you want, Larry? We want you to take us to a Broadway musical. - We've heard wonderful things - Yeah. Rumors of singing and dancing and mormons and cats! Yeah, sorry, guys. We stopped going to musicals after our $600 family nap at "phantom of the opera. " Besides, whatever you want to see, Hugh Jackman will eventually turn into a movie. Fine. We'll just go on our own. Okay, we know you guys are anxious to experience everything, but think of all the things that have happened so far Larry almost falling down that well That Tuesday Jackie spent in the revolving door. I mean, guys, I don't think you're ready to experience the big stuff without us yet. - But - It's not open for discussion. You never let us do anything. Your jacket looks fat. What are you doing out here, o dark one? Jay-Z concert tomorrow. I'm sneaking out to pick up tickets. Badass! - We're sneaking out, too. - I'm impressed. We're going to see "Annie. " I'm no longer impressed. It's about a tiny Ginger who falls in love with a bald man called "tomorrow. " All right, let's make this quick. I don't rat you out, you won't rat me out. Deal? - Deal. - All right. We're really doing this, aren't we, husband? Yes, wife, we really are. Let's walk over to New York City. S01E20 Sing Like a Larry Bird Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi Good morning- Good morning Morning. You guys are in a good mood. Of course we are, Debbie Weaver. Hidden hills is alive with the sound of musicals! Isn't it glorious? I can hear it everywhere The birds, the bees, the people, the trees The birds, the bees the people, the trees All right, okay. What's going on, guys? - We can't say. - We went to see a musical. - When?! - What?! We told you not to! She snuck out, too. - You snuck out? - Come on, man! So uncool! I can't believe you, Amber. I'm really sorry, but you were being kind of unreasonable about the concert, so I just thought that Okay, you know what? Enough with the excuses. You are grounded. Go to your room and stay there. Yeah. You're in big trouble, young lady. Guys, what if something happened to you? Please. The city was so pretty! The lights were so bright! Although New York was further than we thought, and people could be very rude as we were walking through the tunnel of Lincoln. You walked to a musical in New York City? Do you know what could have happened if you would have got discovered or run over? Do you want the scientists in the white coats to come and take over the community? I showed you "E. T. ," didn't I? Yes, you did, and it scared us, okay? Now let's move on. Okay, well, we are just trying to keep you safe. Right, I forgot. We need your help for everything. Wife, let's go. That is, if we can figure out how to get out of here with the weavers' help. Ha! That's the pantry. Borrowing this O. J. That's Mayo! - Yeah, they don't need us. - No. Hey! You're grounded. No computer. No texting. All right, you know what? I'm sorry I snuck out, but, honestly, you have to admit, it's been a little shawshanky around here. I'm a good kid, mom. I never do anything wrong. I wanted to go to one concert. You could do a lot worse for a daughter. No, no texting. Grounded. You are so Lame. Overprotective Stifling. Their musicals are clearly the best thing their planet has to offer. Just think about the other amazing things they could be holding us back from. If only there was a way of making them really hear us. A way of expressing our desire To experience new and exciting things. Ideally, things would rhyme. I've been waiting to use this thing. Megan, I think we've done all the analysis we can do for a 3-letter text. When he said "hey," I think he might have meant "hey. " Whoa! Whoa, whoa! What are you doing? Did you get your telephone from my bedroom? - You are grounded! - Hold on. You know, I thought about it, and I just decided no. I'm not grounded. What did you just say? What did she just say? Max, Abby, go to your rooms. No, actually, don't. You see, something occurred to me as I sat in my room Unplugged. Parents don't have any real power. They can ground us, yes. But what if we say no? Can we do that? Don't talk. Don't breathe. Let this play out. So, anyway, Megan, uh, I think a good response to "hey" might just be "hey. " - Did she just - -huh. - But I thought that we - Yeah. - So then how could she - I don't know. Dominique, do you think that was good? - Actually, I kinda do think - It wasn't. It was terrible. I'm sorry. Singing isn't your thing. - Yeah! - I'm sorry, Billie Jean King. It was a little bit cruise ship karaoke for me. I'm gonna do an original song. No, not another. I hate it when they do that. I've been writing this for my girlfriend Giselle. Giselle You're so swell You're a 16th the size of Adele Amber, listen to me. You are grounded. I reject your grounding, Marty. What kind of example are you setting for your brother and your sister? A pretty fun one, by the looks of it. What are you doing? What I should have been doing a long time ago. Abby! Hey, Debbie. Fix me up a sandwich, would ya? Easy on the Mayo for once. Should have let me go to that concert. My God. This is it. It's a coup. - We do we do? - What do we do? We ignore them. Give them 24 hours with nothing to rebel against. They'll lose steam. Yeah! All right, husband, are you ready for our first rehearsal? Am I ever. Up until today, I've always been a Larry bird. But today, I'm a Larry song bird. Deep breaths. Don't get pitchy. There's so much out there we should know And yet you never let us go if we could do things Big spanking new things Life would be big, bold, and bright as a Broadway show I want to get a circumcision I want to hitchhike to L. A. Drinking in dive bars? I'd give it five stars More or less like what you'd probably see on Broadway I want to use a public restroom And try all 50 shades of grey Roughing some bums up That's two big thumbs up Similar to the kind of thing you might see on Broadway I want to do a tap-dance at the local D. M. V. I want to give a lap dance to a Starbucks employee What about getting a new tattoo or possibly two or three? I want to smack the entire cast of "glee" So do we Also me I want to learn to use a chain saw I want to do a dream ballet Should you ignore us, we'll add a chorus Everyone form a kick line, what do you say? Hooray, hooray, hooray Life could be as wonderful magical adjective swell as something you may or may not possibly see on Broadway Please let us go and try new things today Sing out, Dick Butkus Make our lives as fabulous as Broadway Broadway Broadway Broadway No. Dick fell in the well. Coming through, coming through. Tie it 'round your waist, son! We'll pull you right up! No, don't do it, dick. It'll tear right through you! What are you trying to do, split him in half? He's tender like veal. Maybe we should just call the weavers and ask for help. I know. Let's call the police. Honey, they split up in the '80s. Now sting's off doing his own thing No. No. No, police officers. They'll come, rescue Dick, and we'll be back home before the weavers can say "I told you so. " Who has a phone? Thank you, son. Keep it short! Those are pre-paid minutes! How's it hangin', folks? Hey, Debbie, where's your copy of "Magic Mike"? You're not watching "Magic Mike. " Fine. I'll illegally download it from the Internet. I'm having a hard time ignoring this, Deb. Yeah, we need to put a stop to this. Where is she? So what are you doing now? I'm trying to write this song. Okay, well, why don't you stop trying to do that and come with me to the Jay-Z concert? Jay-Z? I love me some Jay-Z! - So are you in? - I'd love to, but I can't figure out this love song for Giselle. Just I can't finish it. Maybe you have writer's block. Or maybe Giselle is just too boring to write about. So meet me in the park. We'll walk to Megan's house from there. - Be there at 7:00. - Okay. Amber, we need to talk. But first, what happened to the rug in the hallway? Threw it away. Never liked that thing. Are those sirens? What is going on? Boy. Amber, watch your brother and sister. - I'm not gonna do that. - Amber, enough! Fine. Hey. I'm making Martinis. You in? Jackie, what is going on? Is everything okay? Yes. Everything is perfectly fine. We were doing a musical number, and Dick fell in the well. What?! Dick, are you okay?! I'm well. Get it? - Stop that, Dick! - It's not punny! Larry, you called the police? - I did. - All by himself. Well, how are you gonna answer their questions? You have no documentation, very silly names. All of you are dressed alike. You have that spaceship in your garage. Larry, you want this to end up like "E. T. "? Huh? Bubble over your house, you lying naked and trapped in some drainage ditch? - Is that how it ended? - No. - I never saw the end! - It's okay. - You didn't tell me that. - It's not how it ended. Great, here we go. I got eyes on the well! Are you the boy's father? Sir, please tell us your name. Larry Bird. And your son's name in the well? Dick Butkus. - Larry Bird and Dick Butkus? - Butkus. We chose those names because we we wanted to honor earth's finest physical specimens. We don't have a spaceship in the garage. This is "E. T. " It's happening. The whole thing is happening right now. My God. It is "E. T. " Did you get that? Okay. This is so exciting. A kid in a well. If I had to do one more teeth-whitening segment, I'd blow my brains out. Ooh, teeth-whitening. Wow! Don't you think your viewers would like to hear about that - instead of this silly old well story? - I've got this, Debbie Weaver. I've watched plenty of your TV. I can handle the media. Hi. I'm Jackie Joyner-Kersee. If you could tell the greater New Jersey area one thing about your son, what would it be? He does not have a tail. Yeah, you know, he's just like any other 8-year-old kid. I noticed all the people in this neighborhood dress the same. Is this, like, some kind of commune or a cult? What?! It's It's not a commune. No! I lied. He does have a tail. No. There's so much I'm feeling More th m you can tell So much going on beneath this shell I can't keep it hidden I can feel it swell Gotta let it ring out like a bell Giselle Giselle I can't stop thinking about Amber All right, boys, the winch is almost ready. What's going on up there? It appears all is lost. Why are you smiling, father? Because this is the low point. And if I've learned anything from musicals, it's right after the lowest point, everything turns around. The main song is reprised, but with a new, potentially opposite message to the first song. So let's pause briefly to recap This world's a scary tourist trap Shallow Offensive Much too expensive In short, exactly the same as that Broadway crap I think today we learned a lesson I guess I've learned my lesson Life's not some whimsical souffle I guess I really fell it's horrifying and ends in crying fell just like Dick Butkus in the well not unlike those lies they try to sell you on Broadway it's dumb and cheesy and depressing Amber It's just a badly plotted play Amber So, thank you, Weavers Amber We're now believers Home is where we'll stay, far from the lights And temptations And the dangers And the wells of Broadway Hey - Hey. - Hey. My God. I'm still in love with Amber. I have to tell her. I have to sing a song for her. Excuse me. So that's it. You're just leaving, right? Yeah. Once the kid's out of the well, story's over. Well, what about the story? Yeah. My boss looked at it, and he hated it, so I guess it's back to doing traffic. And my boss. You know, I like her. - No, you don't. - I don't like her. No. So I guess we got in a little over our heads. About 14 feet over, am I right? Good one, husband. We pushed too far too fast. Maybe we do need a little more guidance than we thought. I know you'll be happy to hear that from now on, we'll stay at home and live vicariously through "3rd rock from the sun" reruns. Well, we don't want that. No, we want you to experience the world. It's just that we worry about you. You know, we want you to be safe as well as happy. You guys, you're well, I guess you're like our E. T. Well, I suppose that would make you our elliott. We'll take it. I love that movie. I always wanted to be Elliott. So, um Elliott, there's a monster truck rally this Sunday Sunday Sunday. Will you take us? Please? Yes, I'll take you. - Let's do this. - Okay. - All right. - Good night. - Good night. - Sunday Sunday Sunday! - Honey, you should come, though. - No, I'm not coming. Guys, guys, guys, come on, stop! It's been four hours of this. Abby, are you wearing my makeup? I told you no. Yeah, I know, but something occurred to us. We can say no. You don't have any real power. But I do. Look. There's an unspoken bargain between parent and child. And if you are not going to live up to your end of the bargain, then we don't have to, either. So here's what goes Christmas, birthdays, help with homework, vaccines, food, the warmth of a mother, the warmth of a heater in January. All these things could potentially disappear, or you could go back to following the rules and have some semblance of your happy little lives. Do you understand? Can I get a "yes, ma'am"? Yes, ma'am. Okay, now go to your rooms and get ready for bed. You're grounded. I'm gonna count to three. One I don't know what I would have done if I got to three. And what about you? Are we done here? Yes. For the record, I would just like to say that I didn't go behind your back at first. I did all my homework. I was going with a parent. I do everything right, and you still don't trust me. I guess it is a little shawshanky around here. Maybe we can loosen the reins a little. Thank you. I crossed a weird line today. - Turned the little ones into animals. - Give me love take my phone. I'm grounding myself. Give me love I already grounded you. and I'll bring it back to you Whatever you need to tell yourself, Deb. Give me love Give me love and I'll bring it back to you It's Amber. Whatever. Hello, Amber. It's Reggie. I don't know why you didn't come tonight, but Maybe you found someone else to go to the concert with. I kind of wanted to talk to you. But never mind. Maybe it's not that important. Give me love Give me love and I'll bring it back to you - Father? - Don't tell the weavers I'm back down here. I don't know if this will work. That fence is pretty high. You can do it. You're an alien. You just have to focus. We're flying over that fence and across the moon. What the hell. What's the worst that could happen? Absolutely not! But, mom, Dick says he can do this! Okay, being grounded means no TV, no video games, no flying with aliens. Fine! I can't believe you, Max. Really? Come on, Dick. We can do this. Come on, Dick! You can do this! That didn't work.