The Choronicles of Meap

Part I
Narrator: The Chronicles of Meap. Starring Lorenzo Lamas as Meap. Episode 38, "More Than Meaps the Eye".

(Scene cuts down to Phineas holding a baseball launcher)

Phineas: It's the bottom of the ninth inning, bases are loaded. It all comes down to this final pitch from Ferb the curve Fletcher. And the wind up.

(Ferb pitches with a baseball launcher, and manipulates the ball's path)

Phineas: And it's a striiiyiiiiyiiike! And the crowd goes wild! (Cheers) (Perry is wearing a baseball cap and a foam finger, looking as bored as he usually does.)

Phineas: Yeah, it looked way outside, but then it was right in the zone. There's a lesson, baseball fans: never judge a book by its cover.

(Candace, looking at a row of books, is apparently doing just that)

Candace: Boring, dull, stupid, lame, heavy-handed and derivative.

Linda: Oh, thank you for those insightful reviews of books you haven't read.

Candace: Mom, that's why books have covers; to judge them. I mean, why did you choose these books from the library?

Linda: They looked interesting.

Candace: So...

Linda: Point taken. Okay honey, I'm off to help Dad at the antique store. Oh, hey, here's a package for you.

Candace: My Bango-Ru!

Linda: Your what?

Candace: My Bango-Ru. They're these adorable Japanese characters that are so in right now. Like in a kitschy way. The lead guitarist for The Bettys has one painted on her guitar. Stacy and I designed our own dolls online.

Linda: Well, assuming none of that is teenage code for something I should be worried about as a parent, I'm off.

Candace: Bye Mom. I got to call Stacy!

Stacy: Bango-Ru!!!!

Candace: Bango-Ru!!!

Stacy: I just got my little bunny-bear! It's a cross between a bunny and a bear! You get it? It's the most precious thing.

Candace: I just got mine too. He's a cross between a cow and a frog. I'm calling him "Señor Frowwg". He's gonna be the cutest thing, you're just going to...

(Candace pauses, seeing her doll)

Stacy: Candace? What's going on?

Candace: I just discovered why cows and frogs don't date.

Stacy: Well, We'll still have fun at the Bango-Ru Convention today.

Candace: (Sighs) Yeah, I guess.

(Phineas and Ferb are still playing with their baseball launchers in the backyard.)

Phineas: Okay, Ferb, let's see what this bad boy can do. Go long! Pop fly!. (Phineas launches the ball into the sky) Cool! (The baseball hits a spacecraft, which starts falling toward Earth) Oh, here it comes! (Phineas sees the spacecraft) Hey, Ferb I know what we're going to do today. Run for our lives! (The spaceship crashes in their backyard) Whoa, I think we may have just stopped and/or started an alien invasion. I hope he's not too angry, or hungry.

(The space ship opens revealing the alien inside...)

Alien: Meap!

Phineas: Wow, that is cute. Hey, are you okay? We're really sorry about your ship.

Alien: Meap!

Phineas: What's your name?

Alien: Meap!

Phineas: Hi Meap! I'm Phineas and this is Ferb.

Meap: Meap!

(Meap pulls out a picture of another alien)

Phineas: Whatcha got there? Hey, this must be his father. Don't worry, Meap. We'll fix your ship, and you'll be with your dad in no time.

Candace: Hey Ferb, I know what we're going to do today, Let's get ourselves totally busted by crashing our stupid toy in the backyard.

Phineas: Oh, hi Candace. It isn't a toy. It's a real live alien spaceship!

Candace: Oh good! Because this isn't a cell phone. It's an inter-galactic little brother buster-izer. Which I'll use on you if you don't clean up this mess. What's with the spaceship anyway? Haven't you guys, you know, been there, done that?

Phineas: We weren't planning on going into space. But if we did, I'm sure there's still a ton of cool stuff left to do.

Candace: Yeah, well I'm all done with outer space. Never again! I'm going to stick with Earth, where I'm the one in charge of busting people who do things they're not supposed to do.

(Meap walks from behind the spaceship up to Candace)

Candace: Huh? Oh, that is the most adorable thing I've ever seen in my entire life! You guys made a Bango-Ru doll?

Phineas: That's Meap.

Meap: Meap!

Candace: He talks?

Phineas: Well, more than Ferb, but "Meap" is pretty much the only thing he says.

Candace: Well you and your little Bango-robot better not show up at the convention and make me look bad. (She turns around and steps on a baseball launcher, launching a ball into somebody's window) ...That's strike one.

Phineas: Okay Ferb, let's fix us an alien spaceship.

Meap: Meap!

Phineas: Where do you want to start? Hey Ferb, have you seen Perry?

(Perry puts on his fedora and starts to run off, the quickly takes it off when he sees Meap)

Meap: Meap!

(Perry chatters)

Meap: Meap!

(Perry chatters)

Meap: Meap!

(Meap walks off, and Perry puts back on his fedora)

(Perry enters his lair through a chute)

(Major Monograms arms are white, and he seems to be making more gestures than normal)

Major Monogram: Good morning Agent P! I wonder what exciting mission we have for you today. (starts itching his nose) Excuse me, my nose is really itchy. Doofenshmirtz has purchased a lot of carpet, he must be up to something bad. Because he's a bad, bad person... He's this bad. (Holds up his arms to show how bad Doofenshmirtz is. He starts to laugh) I can't do this. Carl was doing my arms. See? (Turns around to show Agent P) Oh, too funny, anyway, stop Doofenshmirtz with the carpet thing.

(Phineas and Ferb are in the backyard working on Meap's ship)

Phineas: It seems to run on a quantum front loading system. Can the wew system support that? (Ferb gives Phineas a "thumbs up") Hang on I'll bring you down.

(Ferb is shown to be strapped to a table being controlled by Phineas's glove)

Isabella: Hi guys! What'cha doin?

Phineas: Oh, hi Isabella. come over here and we'll show you. (Phineas realizes Ferb is still attached to the contraption) Oh, oops, sorry Ferb. We're fixing up this spaceship that belongs to our new friend Meap. Meap, he's the most adorable thing in the world.

Isabella: Really? Are you sure there's nothing, or no one that's more adorable?

Phineas: No, not a chance. (Isabella frowns dejectedly) Here, see for yourself... Meap? Meap?

(Stacy rides up on her bike and meets Candace)

Stacy: Bango-ru!!!

Candace:(Dejectedly) Bango-ru.

Stacy: (Notices Meap, and mistakes it for Candace's Bango-ru) Oh, Candace! Look at it! It's so cute, I could die!

Candace: What? Oh no...

Meap: Meap!

Stacy: And it makes little noises. How did you do that?

Candace: Oh well, Phineas and Ferb, you know?

Stacy: Oh, they tricked it out for you, cool. Come on, lets go to the convention. (She rides off)

Candace: Right behind you. Hmm. Your reign of terror has come to an end Señor Frowwg. (Tosses him into a trash can and then rides off. Meap sees Señor Frowwg and shoots a rainbow death ray from his mouth, defacing Señor Frowwg)

Phineas: Okay. I jury-rigged Ferb's old GPS device, to create a cute tracker. It locks on to the cutest thing in the area, so it should lead us right to Meap. Let's see if we can get a signal. (The cute tracker beeps) Got something!

Isabella: Oh, that's probably me. Sorry.

Phineas: No, it's three miles in that direction. Ferb, why don't you stay here and finish the ship? (Ferb salutes Phineas, and knocks himself in the head with a wrench) Isabella, want to come with me and help me find Meap?

Isabella: (Sarcastically) Sure, I still haven't gotten my "You wouldn't know cute if it bit your legs off" accomplishment patch.

Phineas: Cool! Let's go.

(Isabella growls)

(The entire Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. building is covered with carpet)

Doofenshmirtz Evil is carpeted!

(Perry crawls through Doofenshmirtz's carpet and blasts a hole it in)

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus, just in time for your little lesson in static electricity! (A mechanical hand rubs Perry against the carpet, causing him to poof out, then flicks Perry onto a wall, trapping him) Looks like I rubbed you the wrong way, Puffy the Fuzzypus. You might ask; Why the carpet? What is he doing? What is going on? Why is he listing questions I might ask him? Well, I believe the answers are best expressed in back story form.

(Scene fades into sepia-tone)

Doofenshmirtz: When I was a boy, the smell of pork emanating from me was so bad because of well, (Back in Doofenshmirtz's lair) well the reason's unimportant, it was part of a different emotionally scaring back story. I'm not getting into... regardless the smell of pork was so bad (Flashback) that no one would come near me. So one day the carnival came to town and I needed money because of, (Back in his lair) well another back story that, basically my parents disowned me, I was being raised by ocelots. (Flashback #2) The point is, I had to get a job at the carnival, but the only work was at the dunking booth, and not as the guy who got dunked, I was what they threw to dunk him, which is again a whole other back story. Okay, long back story short, I got a balloon at the carnival, I drew a face on him, I sprayed him with special "Life-Long-Lasting" spray I created, and I named him Balloony. He became my best friend in the whole world, yadda yadda yadda. Then one tragic day, when I was protecting our garden as a lawn gnome, whatever you remember that back story. Balloony started floating away. I tried to reach out and grab him, but...

Mr. Doofenshmirtz: (from inside) Bewege dich nicht! (Don't move!)

Doofenshmirtz: And I never saw Balloony again. (Flashback ends) He's still out there, somewhere. Not to put to fine a point on it, but I put that Long Lasting spray on him. So he's still out around. And I plan to bring him to me! Balloons, you see, are attracted to static electricity, so I created this. Behold the Static Electro-Amplif-Inator! Keep beholding, keep beholding, beholding, and we're still beholding, and scene.

Isabella: La-la-la-la-la-laa-la-la-la

Phineas: I keep getting some kind of cute interference...

Isabella: It's me! I'm endangering the mission, I shouldn't've come!

Phineas: No. Now it's cleared up. I wonder how Ferb is doing.

(Ferb in the backyard putting Meap's ship back together)

(Song: "Quirky Worky Song")

(Man) Suitty-up, Bootty-up, Billa-be-do-do-da,  (x3)

Do-da be-de-da, da-da, da-da-da

(Repeat verse over and over, approx. 6 times)

(Man) Bom-bicka, Bom-bicka, Bom-bicka-bicka-bicka

Bom-bicka, Bom-bicka, Bom-bicka-bicka-bicka

(Ferb gets into Meap's spaceship, and turns it on)

Computer: Warp-Drive signature detected.

Alien: He he. I have you now.

(Song: "My Ride From Outer Space")

When I light my afterburners, I'm a bullet whizzing by

I'm zero-to-60 light-years in the blink of an alien eye

I'm in a shaking, baking, staking, smoking, light speed vertical climb

If I was going any faster I'd be going back in time

Leaving nothing but a vapor trace

In my ride from outer space

Yeah...

(Ferb's spaceship whips past Buford and Baljeet, tearing off all their clothes, except their underwear)

Buford: We must never speak of this again.

Baljeet: Agreed.

I can bang shift through a nebula and slingshot around the sun

Don't look no further baby, 'cause you know I'm number one!

I'm chopped and flamed and bobbed and filled, you got to trick it out

When I burn through your dimension, you'll know what it's all about

I can tell, girl, from that look there on your face

Ferb: You're digging my ride from outer space.

You know you're digging it, baby

My ride from outer space (X2)

(At the Bango-Ru convention. "Bango-Ru")

Make a new friend, it's... Bango-Ru

Cuddly little bug-eyed... Bango-Ru

Fine, battery-powered... Bango-Ru

I love you, I love you, I love you Bango-Ru

Stacy: This is so weird.

Candace: It's like a strange alien world.

Stacy: Ooh! Bango-Ru purses!

Candace: No way! Let me see! Let me see!

Stacy: Look how cute!

Candace: I think I saw this on the on the red carpet the other night.

(Meap looks at the picture an alien, and see someone who looks like him from behind)

Guard 1: What? Hey!

Guard 2: I got it. (Picks up Meap) Irresponsible kids.

Candace: I'm totally going to have to get some Bango-shoes to go with this!

Guard 2: Hey, is this your doll, young lady?

Candace: Yeah.

Guard 2: We found it abandoned on the floor over there.

Candace: Oh, sorry.

Guard 2: Your irresponsibility makes our job as security guards a million times harder! Someone could have stolen it. Or tripped over it.

Guard 1: That's right. Injuries, lawsuits, stolen property.

Guard 2: Even death!

Guard 1: Yes, you could have killed me.

Guard 2: Me too!

Guard 1: We're lucky to be alive.

Guard 2: Yeah, you're in big trouble.

(Meap fires his rainbow death ray at the guards, leaving them in their underwear)

Phineas: The cute signal's getting stronger.

Isabella: Phineas...?

Phineas: Yes?

Isabella: How come you think Meap is so cute. What does that even mean anyway? Cute.

Phineas: I can't define cute. I just know it when I pick it up on my cuteness meter. Although, I keep getting this weird cute interference from somewhere.

(Ferb pulls up in the spaceship)

Phineas: Whoa! Sweet you tricked it out! Isabella and I are hot on Meap's trail, let's bounce.

Candace: (Riding her bike) You can't ban me from Bango-Ru conventions for life. I ban myself! (Looks at Meap) What kind of a toy are you anyway?

Phineas: (In a thought bubble) It isn't a toy, it's a real live alien spaceship.

Candace: That's it! You're not a toy! You're a real live alien.

(The spaceship pulls up)

Phineas: Hey Candace, you found Meap.

Candace: More like he found me.

Phineas: Well, his ship's fixed, so he can get back to his family now.

(A ray of light envelopes their spacecraft)

Isabella: What's happening?

Phineas: We're caught in some kind of tractor beam! It's pulling us in! Maybe it's the space authorities. Did we do something wrong?

Ferb: Well, it occurs to me that not all of the modifications I made are technically "Street Legal".

Candace: What's going on? Wait! Come back! (At Meap) Who was that? (Meap pulls out the photo of an alien) That was your father? But why...

(Meap pulls out another photo revealing it to be a mug shot)

Meap: Meap!

Candace: Oh, it's not your father? It's a mug shot? Oh no! Phineas and Ferb have been abducted by an intergalactic criminal!

Meap: (Sadly) Meap.

Part II
Isabella: Where's he taking us?

Phineas: Look! He's headed for that small cloud!

Ferb: That's no cloud, that's a space station.

Phineas: I got a good feeling about this!

(Their craft enters the space station)

Alien: Ha, you thought you were clever disguising your ship, but I've got you now ...whoever you are.

(The ship opens up revealing Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella)

Phineas: Hey look, it's Meap's dad.

Alien: Alright, what the heck is going on here? Is this some kind of joke?

Phineas: I'm Phineas, that's Isabella, and this is Ferb.

Isabella: What's your name?

Alien: I am know by many names throughout the universe, well two mainly. Mitch, and some of the guys call me Big Mitch. Anyway, where did you get this ship?

Phineas: It's Meap's ship.

Mitch: Meap?

Phineas: Yep.

Mitch: About "yay" high, big eyes...

Phineas: The biggest!

Mitch: Kinda looks like this?

(Mitch shows them a calendar with Meap on it, vandalized with buck teeth, glasses and a speech bubble saying "I smell")

Isabella: That's Meap?

Phineas: That's Meap!

Mitch: That's my mortal enemy.

Phineas: Really? He seems like such a nice guy.

Mitch: He is; I'm not. You see, I steal rare creatures from their home worlds, and imprison them on my ship. I'm a...

Phineas: You're a zookeeper?

Mitch: No, that sorta legitimizes it. Umm...

Isabella: You're a poacher!

Mitch: Yes! I'm a poacher.

Isabella: That's wrong! These poor creatures shouldn't be lock up here.

Phineas: Yeah, they should be brought back to their homes and set free.

Mitch: Oh, really? Maybe I should lock you three up in here as well.

Phineas: Nah, that's cool. Tonight's taco night at home.

(Candace is in the backyard talking to Meap)

Candace: Hi Mom. Phineas and Ferb have been abducted by an evil alien, and I'm here with another alien, who isn't his son, and... How does that sound so far? (Meap blinks) I agree. Craaazey! What are we going to do? (Meap walks off, and returns with one of Phineas and Ferb's baseball launchers) Play catch? Well, if you think it will help. (Meap begins to pull out pictures, in an attempt to explain his plan to Candace. First with Phineas and Ferb) Phineas and Ferb. (Meap pulls out a picture of Mitch) Your father. (Meap pulls out another picture of him)  No, right not your father. A bad guy. Say where do you keep all these pictures?

Meap: Meap! (Signals for Candace to focus)

Candace: Right, stay focus. (Meap next pulls out a picture of the space station) Their in a giant spaceship. But how are we supposed to get up there and save them? (Meap grabs the baseball launcher, and shoots a baseball into the sky) Oh! I get it. Duh. You're trying to tell me something. (Pause) What?

(At D.E.I., Doofenshmirtz is getting dressed behind a screen)

Doofenshmirtz: So you know when you walk around in socks and rub them across the carpet, you get that little static shock? (He comes out from behind the screen) Behold, the new uniform of pure evil! I call it the socky-shocky-suity.

(In Mitch's spacecraft)

Phineas: Oh, cool!

Mitch: Would you three sit still? You don't get it. You're my prisoners. You should be afraid of me! (Turns his attention to his monitor, showing Meap coming toward him) Ah, like a moth to the flame.

(Candace is riding her bike towards Mitch's spacecraft, being kept aloft by the floating baseballs Phineas and Ferb made)

Candace: Whoa. I got this situation totally under control.

Mitch: (Still looking at his screen) You kids might be of some use to me after- Hey, hey, don't go in there. (Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella leaves through a door) You'll track dirt back into the corridor. Ugh, I'll deal with them later.

(Candace and Meap standing inside Mitch's spaceship)

Candace: Wow, check this place out. Well, now I know how to find Phineas and Ferb. They'll be where the cool stuff is.

(Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella ride an alien into water)

Phineas/Ferb/Isabella: WooHoo!

Candace: Ca-Ching! Okay, I'll go in and get them, you stay here. This could get dangerous.

(Candace goes in to find Phineas and Ferb, and Meap runs off into another part of the spaceship)

Candace: Wow, cool!

(Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, and Candace have fun playing with the aliens)

(Meap enters a larger atrium, and finds Mitch)

Mitch: So, we meet again.

Meap: Meap!

Mitch: I agree, it ends here. Oh, and by the way I talked to your little friends, and just so we're clear, I am not your father.

(Back at DEI)

Doofenshmirtz: Okay, I'm almost done charging up to socky-shocky-suity suit. You know it's the technical side of evil I think people don't really appreciate. There! Now watch as every balloon in the entire Tri-State area is ripped from the hands of children, clowns, and ... clown-children. Hahahaha. (He connects himself with the Static Electro-Amplif-Inator ripping balloon from children, clowns, and clown-children, filling up DEI) Wow, that's a lot of balloons. (The immense static charge pulls Doofenshmirtz and Perry onto the balloons, then the upward force of the balloons, rip the Static-Electro-Amplif-Inator out of DEI and lifts them towards the clouds)

Doofenshmirtz: You know on paper, this was the outcome too.

(Back at Mitch's spaceship, Meap is about ready to attack Mitch)

Meap: Meap!

Mitch: Oh yeah?

(Doofenshmirtz suddenly bursts through the floor of Mitch's spacecraft)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh man, what the... (Seeing Mitch) Oh, Hello.

Mitch: We're right in the middle of a showdown, if you don't mind.

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, Uh, I get it. It looks serious. Nemesis confrontation. One of those "it ends here" kind of things. Whoo-ee Not fun. Okay, well don't mind me, I'm just playing through as they say.

(Outside, Perry shoots his grappling hook at the spaceship and detaches himself from the balloons)

Doofenshmirtz: You're doing fine, just ignore me. I'll show myself out. (Opens a door)

Mitch: No! That's where I keep--

Doofenshmirtz: It's you. Balloony.

Mitch: Hey! That's the most unique creature in my collection. Collin. My best friend.

Doofenshmirtz: What! That's Balloony, my best friend

Mitch: No, I found Collin just floating all alone in space.

Doofenshmirtz: Well, I actually drew his face! Look, look, I signed it.

Mitch: That's a birthmark.

Doofenshmirtz: A birthmark! It's a balloon you idiot! "Collin". Come on Balloony, let's scoot.

(Balloony remains floating in place)

Doofensmirtz: Ba-Balloony?

Mitch: Ha. See? Collin is my best friend.

Doofenshmirtz: You've changed, Balloony. And I though you were actually back-story worthy. It makes me sick! Well, I don't even need you anymore. Yeah, I've got an even better best friend. He's a really good listener, he even put up with me going on about how great you were! Ha! (Perry finally climbs into the spaceship) It's clear to me now that my real best friend is Perry the Platy—Oof! (Perry knocks him out of the large hole in the bottom of the ship)

Doofenshmirtz: Uh, hello? Falling to my doom here! (Perry jumps out to go help him)

(Mitch presses a button causing a cage to fall over Meap)

Mitch: All too easy.

(Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella come out from playing with the aliens)

Isabella: That was awesome.

Phineas: I knew there was still more cool stuff to do in space.

(Evil looking floating robots surround them)

Phineas: Uh oh.

Isabella: What are they?

Phineas: I don't know. (At a robot) Hi. (Robot shoots laser at Phineas) Okay?

(The robots suddenly get hit with baseballs, destroying them)

Candace: (Holding the baseball launcher) Strike three. They're out.

Phineas: Cool! What ever happened to strike two?

Candace: Uh... Where's Meap? I told him to wait right here.

Phineas: Hmm, I'm having trouble picking up his cute signal.

Isabella: Phineas, since you obviously won't figure this out on your own, I think I'm the one causing the cute interference.

Phineas: Don't be silly Isabella. I took into account your cuteness, and adjusted the cute-meter settings accordingly from the beginning. See, look what happens when I change it back to normal. (The cute-meter overloads due to an excessively strong cute signal from Isabella) Oops, so much for finding Meap.

Isabella: Do you think he's okay?

Mitch: No, no I don't.

Phineas: Hi Mitch.

Meap: Meap!

Candace: (Points the Baseball Launcher at Mitch)  Get away from him, Mitch!

(Mitch laughs evilly, and sends more robots to surround the gang)

Mitch: Foolish children, only now do you understand your grave situation.

(Candace begins to manipulate a base towards Meap's cage)

Mitch: (Makes voice high and squeaky) "Hi, Mitch!" "Look at the cool stuff, Mitch!" "Blah, blah, blah, MITCH!"

Phineas: Ha. He totally nailed you, Ferb.

Mitch: Silence. I mean seriously, seriously. You're still not getting this. You're all trapped, on my ship forever! Like animals in a cage. Get it? You lost, I won!

Candace: (After opening Meap's cage with the baseball) Go, hide.

(Meap gets out and shoots the robots with his rainbow death ray, destroying them)

Candace: Huh?

(Meap begins to do battle with Mitch)

Isabella: Whoa.

(Meap continues to fight with Mitch)

Candace: I... I don't believe it.

(Meap finishes off Mitch and ties Mitch's hands behind his back)

Mitch: Okay, okay I surrender, you can stop behaving in a way counter intuitive to how you superficially appear. We get it. Hey! Stay away from my universal mustache translator. Ow! MEAP!

Meap: Meap! (He puts on the mustache translator) Children, thank you for your help in bringing down this villainous scoundrel. You see, I am an intergalactic security agent who roams the universe, busting people who do stuff they're not supposed to do.

Candace: You're like the me of the galaxy.

Meap: Exactly. I am pleased to not only have made some true friends, but to have met a kindred spirit as well.

Candace: I thought Meap was a helpless little creature. Huh, I guess I learned to never judge a book by its cover again.

(Another alien comes into the room)

Candace: (Screams) An alien monster! Get to the ship!

Meap: Actually that's my mother-in-law, so yeah she's correct. Let's get out of here! (Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella follow)

End credits
(A large Metal object nearly crushes Phineas, Ferb, and Meap)

Mitch: Hahahahaha!

Mitch: Aren't you a little young to save the universe?

Phineas: Yes. Yes, I am.

Major Monogram: I want your hat on my desk!

(Perry throws his chair towards the screen at Major Monogram)

Doofenshmirtz: Balloony!

Mitch: Colin!

Candace: What? Jeremy's going to be there?

Narrator: The Chronicles of Meap, Episode 40.

Meap: Meap!

Narrator: Meapless in Seattle.

(The screen goes black, displaying the following text: "IN MEMORIAM... Don LaFontaine 08/26/40 - 09/01/08 One man, in a land, in a time, in a world... All his own.")

Narrator: In a world. There, I said it, happy?