Great Space Roaster

Stan: Come on out, you thieving bastards!
 * Oh, my God!

- Dad! Hayley, you were elected family gun shield at the last family meeting. You're also in charge of the Netflix queue. Just know this. I never don't want to have Kindergarten Cop. - Roger, did you see who did this? - Yeah. I did this. I was looking for clues to where you're throwing my birthday party. Found nothing, so I took a nap. Roger, we wanted it to be a surprise. We're throwing you a bowling party. Oh, a bowling party. How original. Apparently, I'm a 13-year-old Latino kid. Well, what do you want to do? Something good! I mean, you rented out the amphitheater for Steve's birthday. We went to a 4 Non Blondes concert. It's not our fault we were the only ones there. You took Hayley skydiving. Stan got four pairs of jeans. I guess you had to come out of- or regularly visit- Francine's clown hole to matter around this place. It is a happening spot. I want to do something special. I'm turning 1,601. It's when I hit puberty. Warning. I'm gonna get a lot more sexually aggressive. - You have any suggestions? - Uh, yeah. Everyone should avoid wearing loose-fitting shorts around me. I'll get in there! Heh! But seriously, I want to do what the greats do when they get celebrated. - I want a roast. - Roger, do you even know what a roast is? Of course I do. I was a member of the Friars Club in the '60s. I drove Phyllis Diller to two of her first three abortions. She must have such regret, never getting her driver's license. I guess we can do that. We'll dress up nice, throw a few good-natured barbs your way. Good-natured? Oh, no. Don't you dare go light on me. - The best roasts are brutal and hilarious. - Oh, I think it'll be fun. You can't participate, Klaus. I hate you. I say that not out of anger, but simply as a fact. It's 67 degrees outside, and I hate you. Well, if that's what you really want, then of course we'll do it. Make it so, Fran-cisco. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have my bowling league tonight. I'm a-roll a turkey tonight, ese. Settle down, everyone. Who threw that? Your mother's ass! Due to recent financial hardships the C. I. A. has been forced to take on a corporate sponsor. That sponsor is Jones Enterprises makers of the Chia Pet. So from now on, we'll be known as the Central Human Intelligence Agency. - Frank. - Just let him go. The Chia Pet people are sending a C. I. A. family into space for one year to see if Chia seeds grow up there. The dream of an Afro on the moon is within our grasp, people. Looks like your wife's bald! Kruger, you just got yourself a month in Kabul! Now- the agent chosen for this mission was not only the most qualified. He also sold the most magazine subscriptions. Congratulations, Sanders! Can't you even smile? I don't have any friends in space. You're friends with your sister! Good evening, and welcome to the Smith family roast of Roger Smith. Say mean things, Stan! Talk about how he's gray! You ready, Roger? Roger is truly one of the most interesting people I know. He's also a pathetic drug addict. Ho, ho! I'm gonna read a list of different drugs. And, Roger, if you hear one you're not on right now, raise your hand. Cocaine. Heroin. Ecstasy. Crack. OxyContin. Meth. Steroids. Cooked-down Afrin. Euphoria, the fake drug from 90210. Okay. Next, I'd like to introduce a woman who is in a rare group for Roger - one who hasn't penetrated him with a strap-on. - Ho-ho! Let's hear it for Francine Smith. Thank you, Stan. Roger, you're the most disgusting out-of-shape piece of shit I've ever met in my life. And I know Sammy Hagar. A few years ago, we thought it would be a good idea to get Roger a checking account to teach him responsibility. Here's what old Rog did. Here's check 001, the only check Roger ever wrote. Please note that in the date line, he's written "Today comma 1783. " It's made out for the amount of $72 million, and it's payable to "Drugs. " In the memo line, it says "For Drugs, yo. " And it's signed "John Travolta. " Anyway, this was the only check he ever wrote. The rest of the checks have holes in them because Roger got drunk and raped them. Roger's June 4 diary entry. It says "Million-dollar ideas. " - And under it, it reads, "Diarrhea equals Rhea Perlman. " - No! The rest of the pages have holes in them because he raped them. All right, it's time to hear from the man of the hour. Roger, you drunk, lazy cocksucker. Get the waiter's dick out of your mouth and get up here. Why? Why would you do this? What- What did I ever do to any of you to make you say those incredibly hurtful things? Are you serious? Does it look like I'm not serious? Roger, this is what you asked for. You stay away from me, Francine. All of you stay away from me. This has been the worst night of my entire life! - Morning. - Roger, where have you been? We haven't seen you in days. Getting my life together. That's where. Those comments you made the other night resonated in me and I decided it was time for a change. We didn't say those things so you'd change. We were just poking fun. Well, the person you described in graphic detail and in decent joke form is not someone I want to be. I got a job at a bank which should address the monetary problems Hayley pointed out. And I'm also three days' sober. Stan, thank you for that very loud wake-up call. Who's that positive girl with you? This is Ally, my life coach. She also works at Jumbo Juice. She gave me a fiber boost. Then she gave me a life boost. She has weird energy, doesn't she? She also made me a goal list. This is the first piece of paper I haven't sexually assaulted in years. So you're not mad at us anymore? God, no. You saved my life. Okay. Because you were madder than we've ever seen you. - And you do have a history of holding grudges. - What? No, I don't. You wrote death threats to Merlin Olsen for seven years after Father Murphy was canceled. He was just the star, Roger. That was the old me. I'm done with all that. By the way, Merlin had a producer credit the second season. He could have done something. I'm off for a little night run at the Howard University track. - Sit down and have dinner first. - Thank you, no. I'm going for a run, and I have to leave here right now, immediately. Guys, get in here! The porn channel's coming in for some reason. Nice. Is everyone okay? Did we lose the porn? There must have been a gas leak. We could've all been killed. You know, Roger sure did leave in a hurry. You- You don't think Roger had something to do with the explosion? Because of the roast? Guys, you heard him. We inspired him to better himself. Still, to be safe, we should follow him you know, just to see if he's doing all the things he says he is. And 300. Have a good one. Hey, Liz, I'm thinking about going to Nordstrom's at lunch. You want to grab a sandwich and walk around Nordstrom's at lunch, Elizabeth? You know, the other day, I took a walk down to George C. Scott Park right when the sun was going down. You know how that time is like. Sun's throwing shadows and all. It got me thinking about when I was a young man sitting in that park you know, watching the girls, smoking a little herb, drinking a cold beer. And I had this moment when I wanted to feel that way again. But I didn't get high. Instead, I went home and watched The Wire. That's where this speech is from. Thanks for letting me share. You guys thought I tried to kill you? Hilarious! It's- It's so therapeutic to laugh. Hey, does anyone have the exact time? - 8:04. - Thank you, my love. Ow, ow. My running regimen is killing my lower back. I got to lie down. You guys can get up now! It's definitely over! You were right. Someone is trying to kill us. Let's get out of here! Get in the car. Let's go. I think we're safe. Quick thinking back there, Roger. Roger? Roger might be trying to kill us. And we have no brakes. - Wow! This is a really safe car. - Of course it is, Son. The new Chevy Tumbler has driver- and passenger-side air bags as well as head curtain-side impact air bags. Plus an all-new third row of seats and OnStar with a one-year Safe & Sound Plan. - - This is OnStar. Is everything okay, Mr. Smith? Everything's fine, Elaine. Thank you. Who the fuck is Elaine, Stan? # I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes # # I saw the sign-# You're alive! - So you are pissed about the roast. - You're damn right I am! You guys all got up and insulted me in the meanest way possible. - And you were all laughing. - Yeah, that's a roast. - Roger. - It's too late! A switch went off inside me that night. And now all I think about is killing you guys. That's been my real goal all along. My first few attempts failed. So I'm changing my approach- gonna get more creative. Nothing set in stone, although I'm pretty sure these scorpions are going in Steve's butt. They're rare butt-hole eating scorpions, and they cost me 2,000 bucks each. But then I'm not very good with money, am I, Hayley? Roger, you need to stop this now! I'm never gonna stop. Nice shot, Steve. Every shot's a nice shot with a McGregor tranq gun. McGregor- it's Scottish for "bull's-eye. " What are we gonna do now? Well, Roger's clearly committed to killing us all. So I'm gonna put him somewhere he can't hurt us. The Bang Kwang maximum security prison. No man's ever gotten out alive. - I feel bad for Roger. - Don't. - It was either him or us, and I picked us. Program Theme] - Oh, my Godl Breaking news from Asia. - Oh, no. An inmate has escaped from the Bang Kwang prison in Thailand. The prisoner killed two dozen guards then built a boat out of their corpses to get away. You guys watching the news? - How- How did you know? - Because I'm right behind you. Just kidding. I'm at the Indianapolis airport on a layover watching a Hoosiers game at a bar. Comin' to kill ya! - We gotta get the hell outta here. - Where are we gonna go? Hi. You've reached the Smiths. Leave a message. Just so you know, there's nowhere on earth you guys can go where I can't find you. Nowhere! Can I get another iced tea? Anyone watching this game? It's a blowout. You are? Why? It's a blowout. You know what, forget the iced tea. I'm gonna head to my gate. Flight 32 to Phoenix is now boarding at Gate 7. Hi. Do you have this week's People? People magazine? This week's? Sir, wait! Well, according to this paper Smith has sold 10 more magazine subscriptions than Sanders. - What? - I guess I have no choice but to let the Smith family take the Sanders's place on the space station for the next year. We'll be safe in space. That we know. Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, yes. You think Roger's still looking for us? All I know is we don't have to worry about it for the next year. Stan, can you please just put a jumpsuit on like the rest of us? No can do. Earth Stan is boxers. Space Stan is panties. Steve, don't steal glances. If you want to check out my meatballs in this thing, go right ahead. I'm your dad. Day Three. Chia Pet 122271: Three and five-eighths growth. Fascinating. Permission to apply Chia Pet Specimen 010874 with alpha paste. Paste application approved. Steady. Well done. - Prepare olfactory system for flatulence. - Flatulence denied. Flatulence has been sent. Steve, Klaus went to get more Chia seeds an hour ago. - Go find him. - Aye, aye, Captain. - This isn't a boat. - It is a ship. Get out. Klaus? Klaus, where are you? - Help! - Klaus? - Klaus, it's stuck! - Get away! It's a trap! He's here! Steve! Behind you! Stan, what's happening? Not much. What's happening with you? What is that? Is that Ace of Base? Roger! He's here. He's gonna kill us all. Steve's still out there. We have to find him and get off this space station. Let's split up. Whoever finds him, radio the others and we'll meet up at the escape pod. # You're not the one for me # # Is enough enough? # # I saw the sign # # And it opened up my eyes # # I saw the sign ## Stan, Roger's gonna get us! - Where are you? - We're in the kitchen! I'm running as fast as I can! It's gonna be okay, Francine. I made it to the escape pod. - I'm safe. - What? Stan, hurry! We're almost on the ground! Oh, God! Oh, God! Well, I did all I could. Fresh panties for the ride home! # I saw the sign # # And it opened up my eyes # # I saw the sign # Ow! Welcome! And thank you for coming. - Are you gonna kill us now? - That'd be too easy. No. You have to feel the same pain I felt that night. - So you're gonna roast us? - No. You're going to roast each other. And your zingers better be mean. If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a zotz. Now, Stan, roast Hayley. You feel that zotz? Hayley, you're not very smart, and you smoke a lot of pot. - Zotz! - Okay. Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button and you were aging backwards and your life was almost over. Uh-huh! Oh, yeah! Insults in the form of jokes. How's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Okay, now do Steve. Steve, you will never get laid. There's nothing attractive about you. You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital. Oh-ho-ho. Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. Okay, Steve. Let's see you give it to your mama. Mom, you are not smart. I don't tell "Yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "My mama's so dumb" jokes. Example. My mama's so dumb, I don't tell "Yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "My mama's so dumb" jokes. I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it! Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray. Why are you laughing? That wasn't funny. That's like the meanest thing anyone's ever said to anyone. What the hell's going on here? Where's the hurt feelings? Roger, we can say these things to each other because we're family. It doesn't hurt my feelings, because I still know they love me. Well, your roast hurt my feelings. Wait a minute. You don't consider yourself part of this family, do you? - No. 'Cause I'm not. - Are you kidding me? We tried to throw you a bowling party. We did the roast you wanted. If after all this time, you still don't feel part of this family, it's your hang-up. Roger, we love you. You're a Smith. If you can't accept that, go fuck yourself. Oh, my God. I am a part of this family. You do love me. I feel it now. I'm- I'm letting it wash over me. Look at me. I'm crying like Francine when she watches Grey's Anatomy. I just feel so sorry for those poor actors. Hey, Roger. Go take some Euphoria and rape the data journal. I've been eyeing it. I'm not gonna lie. Fun birthday. Hey! Never thought I'd see you dirty bastards again. Ah! I feel great, cleaned out. All right, who wants 'em next? No one? Okay, you heard them. Round two, boys. And make sure this time that you really- Oh. Oh, you know what you're doing. Bye! Have a beautiful time.