Suddenly Suzy

(Scene opens at the Flynn-Flecher house)

Candace: (from inside, chuckles) Oh, Jeremy, I had no idea you've felt that way about me. (Cut to inside; she is talking to a paper mache Jeremy.) But I still have a lot to accomplish before I get married. (pause) Hold on. (puts candles between it) Much more romantic. (the phone rings) It's you! (on phone, in dreamy voice) Hello, Jeremyyyy!

Jeremy: Hi, Candace. I was wondering if you could do me a favor?

Candace: (dreamy voice) Yeeeaaahhh...

Jeremy: Listen, I got called into work and my parents aren't home, do you think you could look after Suzy for a few hours?

Candace: (dreamy voice) Yeeeaaahhh...

Jeremy: I'll be right over. Thanks!

Candace: (dreamy voice) Yeeeaaahhh... (needle scratch) Huh? Uh -- wait -- what did you say? Jeremy? NO! JEREMY! (to the paper mache) I'll be right back. (runs out panicking) Mom! Mom!

(In the living room)

Candace: Moooom! Jeremy's dropping off his little sister and I --

Linda: How nice. A babysitting job.

Candace: No, Mom, you don't understand! She's EVIL!

Linda: Don't be silly, Candace. She's just a little girl. How much trouble could she be? (Sees Phineas and Ferb under an out of control sprinkler) I see you've discovered the broken sprinkler. Yeah, I'd better get to the hardware store! It's beginning to look like Niagara Falls out here.

Phineas: Niagara Falls? (sits up) Know anything about that, Ferb-meister?

Ferb: (sits up) It's over 167 feet high. It's also tremendously popular with daredevils.

Phineas: Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today! Hey, where's Perry?

(Cut to Agent P putting on his fedora. He lays on the grass and it flips for a second to a bunny in a patch of snow, then it flips again.)

Major Monogram: (with lots of unshaven hairs on his face) I can't believe you forgot to pick up new razors, Carl! Now I have to go on camera without a clean shave!

Carl: Me, too, sir.

Major Monogram: What? You don't have a single hair!

Carl: I have one, sir.

Major Monogram: Ew! Agent P, you're here! We're getting very suspicious about Doofenshmirtz. He hasn't ordered any bulk items from the Internet in days. Get over there and put a start to it! (Perry salutes.)

(Carl plays "Doo bee doo bee doo bah" on his one whisker.)

Major Monogram: Carl, you disgust and fascinate me.

(Cut to the house.)

Candace: Suzy'll be here any second! I hafta get this place in shape! Must! Hide! Anything! Suzy! Can! Use! Against me! (She throws away kitchen knives, the microwave, the blender, and Mr. Miggins in the trash. The doorbell rings. Cut to the front door, Jeremy and his little sister appear. Candace answers it wearing a very heavy protective suit.) Oh, hey! Hi, Jeremy!

Jeremy: Candace? What's with the outfit?

Candace: I get...cold.

Jeremy: (in non-belief) Uh...huh. Well, it's a statement. You guys have fun now. Bye!

(The door closes and Little Suzy does her evil laugh.)

(Cut to the backyard. Ferb is heard grunting and lifting a very heavy boulder to the top of a huge mountain.)

Phineas: Y'know, even though I know that was papier-mâché, that's still an impressive throw!

Isabella: Hey, Phineas! Whatcha doin'?

Phineas: Hey, guys! (to Baljeet, who is inside a baby carrier held by Buford) What's with the baby carrier?

Baljeet: Ask him.

Buford: (chewing gum) My chiropractor recommended it. It's just as humiliating as a half-nelson, and easier on my tennis elbow. (crunching loudly)

Phineas: What's that grinding sound?

Buford: Tuff Gum! Like the song sez...

(Song: "Tuff Gum")

Pound nerds like a drum,

Stop a train with your thumb

It's Tuff Gum!

Phineas: Wow, can I have some?

Buford: Nah, I don't think so. It's for bullies only.

Phineas: (to Ferb) You got any regular gum?

(Ferb gives some to Phineas.)

Regular Gum!

Phineas: Alright, everyone. Ferb and I have built a giant waterfall, right. And we wanna do a test run. Who's in?

Buford and Isabella: (raising their hands) Me!

Baljeet: Can I go?

Buford: Well, just be careful. Cuz I worry about you.

(Cut to:)

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

(Perry goes up the building on his rocket-powered skateboard.)

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus. (Perry gets tied up by a pair of electronic hands tying a shoelace around him.) How do you like my new Shoelace-inator? It's the perfect match for my new Carbon-Footprint-inator! (Cut to what looks like a giant black foot.) I made it entirely out of carbon paper I kept from the 1970s. I always thought it was going to come back. Tsk. Shame. Anyway, people are always talking 'bout reducing their carbon footprint. I don't really know what that means, but it sounds evil. "Carbon footprint." So, my plan is to leave giant carbon footprints all over the Tri-State Area! (Cut to Perry attempting to bite off his trap.) Don't bother, it's double-knotted.

(Cut to Suzy and Candace.)

Suzy: (evilly) So, Candace, are you ready to have some...fun?!

Candace: N-No-no-no. I'm good. I hate fun.

Suzy: I've got a little game we can play.

Candace: G-g-g-g-game?

Suzy: (rummaging through her backpack) It's called making...

Candace: M-m-making?

Suzy: ...paper...

Candace: P-p-p-paper?

Suzy: (nicely) ...dolls!

Candace: PAPER DOLLS?!?! Huh?

Suzy: It's for you!

Candace: For me? Aren't you going to do something horrible to me?

Suzy: Oh, no. Making you look bad is just one of the ways I control Jeremy. If he's not here, I'm off the clock.

Candace: Wait, you can control your brother?

Suzy: Can't you get your brothers to do anything you want?

Candace: No way! I can't get them to do anything!

Suzy: Un-ac-ceptable. To the backyard!

(Cut to the backyard where the gang are hammering on the mountain.)

Suzy: Hey, guys! (giggles) What'cha doin'?

Isabella: (angrily) Um, hello?!

Phineas: Hey, Suzy! We were just puttin' the finishing touches on our waterfall ride.

Suzy: Ah, just watching all this work makes me thirsty. What I wouldn't do for a cool lemonade.

Phineas: Lemonade? Whatever you'd like, Suzy. (Ferb gives Suzy a glass.)

Suzy: Thank you. (She sips as Candace looks in surprise.)

Candace: I have so much to learn.

Suzy: Well, now that you've watched the master at work, it's time for you to get yours.

Candace: Me? Oh, no! I'm not ready! I-I...

Suzy: What do you want?

Candace: To bust my brothers?

Suzy: (like a drill sergeant) Is that a question or a mission?!

Candace: A mission.

Suzy: So say it!!

Candace: I wanna bust my brothers!

Suzy: MEAN IT!!!

Candace: I wanna bust my brothers!!

Suzy: OWN IT.

Candace: I WANNA BUST MY BROTHERS!!!!!!

Suzy: Even better, get them to bust themselves.

Candace: Get my brothers to bust themselves? (in realization) Get my brothers to bust themselves. Get my brothers to bust themselves!! GET MY BROTHERS TO BUST THEMSELVES!!! GET MY BROTHERS TO BUST THEMSELVES!!!

Suzy: GO, GO!!!!

Candace: GET MY BROTHERS TO BUST THEMSELLLLLLLVES!!!!!!

Candace: (walks up to them) Hey, boys! What'cha doin'?

Isabella: Ugh, do I even need to be here?!

Phineas: Going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Wanna come? It's gonna be sweet!

Baljeet: (being carried by Buford up the ladder) If Buford does not drop me first.

Buford: Tuff guys don't drop stuff. Tuff Gum!!

Suzy: Alright, Candace! Time ta bring it on home!

Candace: Phineas and Ferb, I want you to pick up the phone right now—

Suzy: Psst! (smiles widely)

(Candace does a rather huge smile, then makes her eyes grow bigger turning herself into Creepy Candy. Phineas looks at her confused. Creepy Candy makes her face look even more disturbing.)

Phineas: Everything okay, Candace?

Candace: (back in her normal face) D'oh! Can you just help me out and call Mom?!

Phineas: What? So she can come and see this gigantic insanely high waterfall we built in the backyard?

(brief pause)

Candace: Yes?

Phineas: Great idea! Can I borrow your phone? (Candace gives Phineas her phone, and he dials.)

Candace: (to Suzy) Hey! (Suzy gives Candace a thumbs up.)

(Cut to Linda doing some shopping. Her phone rings. She picks up.)

Linda: Whadaya know? It's Candace. Right on schedule. So what kind of unbelievable contraption have Phineas and Ferb built that requires me to come home immediately?

(Cut to Phineas.)

Phineas: An unbelievably cool waterfall ride right in our backyard! You gotta come home right away!

(Cut back to Linda)

Linda: Phineas? Is that you? You sound just like Candace. I mean, you sound like you, but the things you're saying—

Phineas: (on phone) Hurry up! You gotta see it!

Linda: Alright, alright, just as soon as I find the right sprinkler part! (hangs up) I curse the day these things were invented!

(Cut to Doofenshmirtz Evil Dirigible, with the Carbon-Footprint-inator under it.)

Doofenshmirtz Carbon Footprint!

Doofenshmirtz: (a little hoarsely) Everything is going— (clears throat) Everything is going according to my plan! Soon, Danville will know what it is to be trodden upon by true genius! (Perry attempts to get out of his trap) I think I'll start with a pond or bushes or something. You know, to beef up the whole anti-environmental theme I've been dancing around. (Perry finally comes loose from his trap.) Wait, where was that from? (Perry punches Doofenshmirtz.) How did you get out of that double knot? (Perry flings himself at Doofenshmirtz, but Doofenshmirtz pulls a lever opening a window, and Perry jumps out.) Hey, you like the window? I just had it installed! Sayonara, Perry the Platypus! (Agent P's parachute pops out.)

(Cut to the gang at the top of the waterfall in a barrel.)

Phineas: Alright, Buford, we're ready for you! You can let 'er rip!

Buford: Roger that! (grinds loudly)

Isabella: Better eighty-six the gum. It's a choking hazard.

Buford: Oh, all right. (takes it out and sticks it onto the faucet) But I'll be back for that bad boy. Alright, let's do this!

(He turns the wheel, and the water comes out of the faucet. The gang fall down the waterfall in their barrel.)

Phineas: I CAN'T WAIT FOR MOM TO SEE THIS!!

Candace: This is it! Today's the day! It's my day! It is my day!!

(The gang land at the bottom.)

Baljeet: But was Buford not in the barrel with us?

(Buford falls onto Baljeet's head.)

Buford: Bullseye!

(Cut to Perry at a building with a sign that says: "MR. BANANA WHOLE SALE." Pan left to a truck.)

(Cut back to the backyard where the gang is all wet.)

Phineas: Whoa, that was great! I can't wait for Mom to see it!

Candace: Me, too! (car horn honks) Mom's home! Yes! (grabbing Phineas) C'mon! Let's go tell Mom! Let's go let's go let's go!

(Cut back to Perry in the truck. The manager is speaking with him.)

Manager: Congratulations! You are now an official driver for the Mr. Banana Company. (Perry drives off) Man, that is so funny, I literally just wrote a song about a platypus driving a banana truck! Hmm. Hmm? Wait! My demo!

(Cut to the truck. Perry pops the CD in the CD player.)

(Song: "Alabama Bound")

He's Alabama bound with a load of bananas,

Headin' south across the Mason-Dixon line,

Then he's haulin' pineapples to Gary, Indiana,

Gotta burn some rubber, make that highway whine!

He's a mobile mammal and I bet you a fiver

He's eatin' hush puppies and corn on the cob,

He's a semi-aquatic semi driver,

A full-time agent with a part-time job!

Aw yeah, I'll bet you a fiver!

That there's a mobile mammal!

Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh! Woo!

(Cut back to the house.)

Candace: Mom Mom! Phineas wants to show you something!!

Phineas: We built Niagara Falls in the backyard! Wanna see it?

Linda: Why, I'd love to, honey.

Candace: Yes! Yes! Finally!

(Cut to Doofenshmirtz.)

Doofenshmirtz: Alright, Danville, get ready for a carbon footprint you'll never forget!! (The Carbon-Footprint-inator stomps onto the faucet, but the gum gets stuck to it.) What? What? Oh, see? This! This is why I hate nature! It's always getting stuck to your foot! Yech!

Tuff Gum!

(The waterfall drops off.)

Doofenshmirtz: There ya go.

(Cut to the farmer and his wife outside a building with a sign that reads: "Spring Water Bottling.")

Farmer's Wife: I can't believe it! You walk away from a profitable miniature golf franchise and open up a spring water bottling plant right in the middle of town! What? Didja think a mountain spring was just gonna fall out of the sky?

(It does.)

Farmer: You never believed in me.

(Cut back to the blimp.)

Doofenshmirtz: Alright, we'll try this again. Blah blah blah carbon footprint! (Cut to trucker Perry. He pulls the brakes, and the back part lifts, dropping the big banana off of it. The carbon footprint slips and kicks the blimp deflating it. Doofenshmirtz sighs.) I suppose this was inevitable. Curse you, Perry the Platypus! (Crash!)

(Cut to the backyard.)

Linda: Well, kids, you're right. It does look like Niagara Falls back here. (Puts a sprinkler part on the leak.) But this part will fix that. Voila! So, who wants pie!

(Everyone raises their hands and shouts.)

Candace: No! How could this be?! It was supposed to work this time! Don't you have anything to say?!

Suzy: Results may vary?

(Jeremy comes through the gate.)

Jeremy: Hey, Candace!

Candace: Hi, Jeremy!

Suzy: (giving Candace a hose) Hold this, please.

Jeremy: How's it going?

Candace: Perfect! Everything is— (gets squirted) Guess we're back on the clock.

Suzy: Splishy-splashy! (giggles)