I Will Always Loathe You

Loser. How do you do that? Lungs of a singer, baby. Which means Mamaw sleeps in your room. But this isn't fair. Why should l have to give up my room? Because you've got the lungs of a loser. But she wouldn't even be coming here if it wasn't for your stupid award. An lnternational Music Award is like winning an Oscar. lf it was a stupid award, you'd win brains down. Man, this is really gonna mess up your back. Well, careful with that box, Robby Ray. That's got my fancy wig. l only air it out for parties and funerals. Sorry, Mom. And l can't believe you had the music on so loud in the car. You didn't hear a word that l was saying. Really? What in the world was l thinking? Well, you missed my whole story about that big old hairy mole that l had found on my Kids! Say hello to your grandma. Quick. -Mamaw! -Mamaw! There they are. My handsome grandson and my beautiful granddaughter, the youngest person ever to win the lnternational Music Awards Female Artist of the Year. By word, that is a mouthful. No wonder those award shows are always so long. Hey, hey, you know what else is long? The walk from my bedroom to the bathroom. Miley's is right next door, and it has a view of the ocean. See dolphins in the morning. Would you give it a rest? She's in your room. Mamaw, Sunday is gonna be perfect. l am getting an award l've always dreamed of, Daddy's presenting it to me and now everyone l love is here. You, Aunt Dolly Back this tractor-trailer up. You mean to tell me that bottle-blonde, shrink-wrapped, five pounds of baloney in a three-pound bag Now, Momma, l know you don't like her, but Son, it is not just her butt l don't like. lt's her head, her toes and everything in between. Mamaw, this is the biggest award of my life. Can't you guys just get along for a weekend? Please, Mamaw? Sweetie, l guess for your sake, l can look the other way, and l do mean the other way. l don't even want to see that woman. That might be kind of hard. Why? We don't have to pick her up at her hotel, do we? Can't she just hitch a ride on one of her flying monkeys? We don't have to pick her up, Mamaw, 'cause she's staying here. Award-winning granddaughter say what? Hey. l can see dolphins from my guest room. Well, shoot, that's nothing. There's a snot-green blowfish right here in the living room. Now, Ruthie, if you're gonna be mean, talk to the booty 'cause the hand's off duty. Well, l would love to, but that booty has been nipped and tucked so many times, l just can't hardly find it. Well, l ain't having no problem finding yours. Family! So glad to have you here. Good times, good times. Yeah. come on! You get the limo out front Hottest styles, every shoe every colour Yeah, when you're famous it can be kind of fun lt's really you but no one ever discovers Who would have thought that a girl like me Would double as a superstar? You get the best of both worlds chill it out, take it slow Then you rock out the show You get the best of both worlds Mix it all together And you know that it's the best of both worlds So, this whole feud started over a boy? Yep. lt was high school. Mamaw was having a summer romance, and then Aunt Dolly bounced in and Well, that was pretty much all she had to do. Mamaw never forgave Dolly for stealing the love of her life, Mr Elvis Presley. -No! -Yes! -No! -Yes! -No! -Yes! Yes! Yes! Elvis. Elvis with the pelvis and the hair and the ''hunk, a hunk of burning love. '' Guys, l haven't slept all night, and my back is killing me, so, please, for the love of all that is good and pure in this forsaken universe, zip it! Good morning, everybody. Well, Jackson, you lazy bones, get your rump out of bed. Well, what do you know? Floor's more comfortable than the couch. -Morning, Mamaw Stewart. -Hey, Lilly, you cutie-patootie. lt's too bad Dolly isn't here to see what a real blonde looks like. -Mamaw -l'm sorry. l'll chillax. What? l'm Hannah Montana's grandma. l gotta keep up on the teen scene so l can be fricky-fricky fresh. Okay, now that is just wicky-wicky weird. Hey, Mamaw, come here. Will you look at my nails? What should l do for the awards show? Sparkly or non-sparkly? l think non-sparkly. Sparkly just kind of feels trampy. Hey, look at my sparkly nails. Just had them done for the awards show. Exhibit A. Come on, Mamaw. Now, you promised you'd be nice. Aunt Dolly's being nice. Well, of course. l'm always nice. At least that's what the King used to tell me. You know l gave Elvis that nickname. We used to always play checkers, and he would be like, ''King me, baby. '' So l started calling him the King. True story. Now, Ruthie, there's no need to get your granny panties in a twist. Why don't you come on over here? l'll give yours a twist. Your family's better than cable. Pull your claws in, Miss Kitty. l'm just here to celebrate my goddaughter's big night. And l am here to celebrate my granddaughter's big night. That is my granddaughter, my kinfolk, a blood relation. Now, l'm just gonna run and get my purse. Then l'm gonna take you to find something beautiful to wear for your awards show. How sweet. Don't worry, darling, l'll take you shopping later, and l'll buy you something you'll actually want to be seen in. Rico's public access commercial, take one. And action. Hey-o. My name is Rico. And this is Rico's. Do you like hot dogs? We've got hot dogs. Do you like Cut! Cut! Okay, maybe l was a little nervous. lt was my first take. l'll loosen up. Just give me a minute. Hey-o, l'm Rico! Hey-o, l'm Rico! Okay, l'm good. Rico's public access commercial, take two. And action. Hey-o. My name is Rico, and Cut! Cut! Stupid. Stupid. No, you're not stupid. You just can't act. Face it, Rico. We need a better Rico. Fine. Who's first? -Hey-o! Hey-o! Hey-o! -Hey-o! Hey-o! Hey-o! Okay, open your eyes. Wow, your mamaw has better taste than l thought. Aunt Dolly bought me this. Mamaw bought me this. Wait for it. With lights! l thought having both of them here would make this night perfect, but now, l just can't wait for it to be over. What am l gonna do? Well, too bad you can't just put them in front of a mirror and show them how ridiculous they look. Wait a minute. l got an idea. Okay, that was weird. -E-7. -Miss. Again. -A-2. -Hit. Again. Dang it, woman, l'm your son. Doesn't that account for anything? No. Excuse me, l'm a little hungry, but l was just wondering if l should eat this apple before lunch? -B-4? -Hit. -A-3. -Miss. Excuse me, could you tell me where l might find a napkin? 'Cause l don't see one. All right, l will tell you what l see. The woman who put the old in the Grand Ole Opry. -You sank my submarine. -He did that. Crying out loud, he couldn't beat me at tiddlywinks. Let that live forever. Don't you walk away from me, you shrink-wrapped, rhinestone hillbilly. Let it go, you sour old prune. You are just mad 'cause Elvis chose me. He didn't choose you. You stole him, you big-haired, two-timing yackity-yodeller! Well, l'd rather have big hair than a double-wide backside. Well, at least l don't have a triple-wide ego and a mouth to match. Ladies, please, you're all shook up. Don't be cruel. You gotta take all that anger and return to sender, baby. Elvis, didn't you love me the most? Well, pretty mamas, when it comes down to it, l would've traded you both for a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. So you mean to tell me we've been fighting all these years for nothing? And forgetting that we both married wonderful men? And we should just stop arguing and celebrate Miley's big night? Yeah, yeah. l believe it's your turn now, ladies. Well, don't that beat all. Well, don't l feel foolish. How come l never thought of yackity-yodeller? That one's a keeper. l'm gonna do you a favour. l'm gonna pretend like l didn't hear that. Kind of like you've been pretending for the past 30 years that that's your real hair? You wanna dance, mamaw? Well, bring on the music. -Bring it on, blondie. -You just Okay, stop it. l love you both, but l guess you don't love me enough to stop this. And if this is how you're gonna act, l don't want either of you guys there tonight. ln fact, why don't you both just go home? Sweetie, could we talk to you for just a minute? Why? Well, because you really are important to us, angel. And if you'll let us come to the awards show, we promise to behave. We really will. Why should l believe anything y'all say? Well, we'll prove it to you. Ruthie, does this outfit make me look trampy? No, not at all. Wait a minute, l can do better than that. Mamaw, it's okay. You're trying. That is all l've ever wanted. -So, we can come? -lt would mean the world to us. Fine, but l'm picking out my own outfit. -But -But -Okay. -Okay. Hey-o! My name is Rico. And this is Rico's. Do you like hot dogs? Well, we've got the best hot dogs in town. Perfect! He's great! l'm not feeling it. He doesn't have the right look. Are you kidding? He could be your brother. l am his brother. Now that's a Rico. ln what world? Let's just see what he's got. Whenever you're ready, beautiful. lt's like looking in a mirror. Hey-o, my name's Rico. Okay, l know how to fix this. l'm Rico. And l'll be waiting for you. Hey-o! l am ashamed to be a part of this. Nothing sells hot dogs like some sweet relish. Okay, Daddy, now remember, when you introduce me, it is not about you. You get on and get right back off. Just for that, l'm gonna tell them how you used to put that diaper on your head and run around the house. ''Captain Diaperhead. '' They're gonna love that. That is exactly why l brought pictures of you in your chubby years. Fine. Captain Diaperhead triumphs again. Now presenting the award for Female Artist of the Year, award-winning singer and songwriter, Robby Ray. Hey, you guys might want to go take your seats now. No, l'm fine right here. l wanna be the first one to hug you when you come off that stage. Well, l wanted to be the only one wearing pink, too, so it looks like we're both gonna be disappointed. Well, we'll hug her together. What a nice idea. l'm watching you. Fifteen years ago, l was lucky enough to win Artist of the Year, and tonight it is my honour to present this to my own daughter. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Miss Hannah Montana! Thanks, Daddy. l couldn't have asked for a better introduction. l have to say that. He's my ride home. You know that girl has such a wonderful sense of humour. She got that from my side of the family. Really? l always thought she learned how to get a chuckle out of an audience from watching me on stage. ''Watching me on stage. Me, me, me, me, me. '' This is such an incredible honour, and getting it from my dad makes it all the more special. You know, actually, l never really thought you were all that funny. Well, Elvis thought l had a wonderful comic mind. l know what Elvis was thinking about and, honey, trust me, it had nothing to do with your mind. -You take that back. -You make me. And what makes this night perfect is l can share it with the two women who've inspired me with their character, strength, and, of course -Man-stealer! -Sore loser! their class. l can always count on these two very special ladies to stop what they're doing when l need them. l remember when l got my first review. They both cut it out and sent it to me. They sent me so many clippings, l finally just had to say Enough already! l'll be right back. Jackson, l leave the room for two minutes and you turn on wrestling. Flip back to the awards show. This is the awards show. That's gonna leave a mark. You guys promised. Now, break it up. Wow. Your family really is better than cable. Once again, l would just like to thank you so much for this award. l mean, this award. Sweet niblets. l hope you two are happy. Good night, everybody! Miley, slow down. l think l broke a heel. Yeah, well, l think l broke a hip. Will you two stop it? You turned one of the best nights of my life into some kind of granny smackdown. Miley, sweetie, how many times do we have to say we're sorry? You can say you're sorry a million times, but l will never forgive you. l learned that from the best. Mile? Great night, huh? Hey, listen, darling Dad, don't ask me to go out there and forgive them 'cause l won't. l don't blame you. l think those women actually dislocated my shoulder. l wouldn't blame you if you never spoke to them again. Good, 'cause l'm not. Good for you. Why should you treat them any different than they treat each other? Where are you going with this? Well, wherever your heart tells you l'm going. Think about it. l hate when he goes all fortune cookie on me. l'll put your luggage in the car. Gee, l wonder what's wrong with my shoulder. That's right. l was body-slammed into the stage door. -Sorry about that. -My bad, sweetie. -Well, l guess she's not coming down. -l don't blame her. Hey, don't go yet. l'm still incredibly mad at you. -l don't blame you, sweetie. -Me, neither. But that doesn't mean l'll never forgive you. Because if l don't, l lose you, and l've seen what that looks like. So you all can go on hating each other, but l'll never hate you. l don't think the two most important women in my life would want me to act that way. She's a pretty remarkable girl, isn't she? Yes, she is and smart, too. You know, l am kind of tired of acting this way. So am l. Hating burns up a lot of energy. Thirty years' worth. What do you say we start trying to be nice to each other again? Well, l'd like that. Hello. Squishing the pop star. Sorry. l didn't say l didn't like it. You're a true friend You're here till the end You pull me aside when something ain't right Talk with me now and into the night No need to pretend You're a true friend