Dreaming of a White Porsche Christmas

Where have you been? I sent Steve and Hayley to go find you. If they were smart, they'd start in Sears, 'cause that's where I used to be. Did you get your shopping done? [ Sighs ] Yes, Francine. Daddy delivered again. But I don't want to have to do this every year. I don't want Christmas shopping to become a tradition. [ Click ] Is that for Steve? It's for Steve and Hayley, but I'll be the one using it. You know, if you get people the presents they want, it shows you thought about them. Now, do I hear the clink of Riedel wine glasses I've been dropping hints about? I doubt it, 'cause I don't know what that is. And this is more of a sweater-shaped bag. Maybe a sweater with a snowman. Like the one I'm wearing? I got to go return something. We're almost at the front of the line, and we need this photo for our Christmas-party invite, so hurry! Francine, how much do you want from me? I'm buying gifts. I'm returning gifts. I'm trying on tons of jeans at Lucky's. I've got a million balls in the air. Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the American race oh, boy, it's swell to say Good -- Good morning, U. S. A. [ Slurping ] Yo, Smith! What's up, my man? Oh, hey, Principal Lewis. Just dealing with dumb family crap. But, geez, you look cool as a cucumber. Hell, yeah! Just down here for a little "P" and "P. " A little what? "P" and "P. " Peppermint latte and peacockin', see? I add a little flair to let the ladies know I mean business. Woman: Hey, Soul Santa! Whoa! You're single. No wonder you're not stressed-out. But me? I have to plan this whole Christmas bash for my family. Oh? When's the party? No clue. Not that involved. But you should come. I'd like to finally get loose. Maybe I will. Oh, really? Oh, really? Are there gonna be any chicks there? My wife and daughter. Mm Oh, you got to come! Do it! Do it, Lewis. Do it up, Lewis. [ "Deck the Halls" plays ] H-hey, Santa, I-I'll bet if you checked your "nice" list, you'd find a boy on there who'd love a stargazing cape. Son, you're 14. You can't really be nervous I'm Santa. I'm not even wearing the beard. [ Chuckles ] W-who's nervous, sir? So, it-- it's a reversible cape with the northern hemisphere stars on one side and the southern on the other -- you know, for cozy stargazing. Hey, Stan. Francine wants you in the kitchen. [ Groans ] Hey, dad. Did mom find you? I'm wearing a Santa costume. How hard can she be looking? Ugh, honey. The tree isn't done. Go get the angel from Roger's attic. This isn't our tree angel. What are you doing up there? You better not be goofing around! [ Vehicle approaching ] [ Tires screech ] Ha ha ha ha! Lewis, finally! I should have asked when you were getting here. I got here way too early. Just making an appearance, my man, so you can say your party went off! [ Chuckles ] I'm headed to a bash at the sororities. Don't they go home at Christmas? Not the poor girls, and they're the ones who dig my Porsche the most. Hi, Brian! Merry Christmas, girl. You want to get out of here? I'll go! Stan, angel, tree! [ Imitates whipcrack ] Short leash. Anyhoots, it's time for me to do what I do best. And that's whatever I want all the time! [ Smooches ] Wow. He just takes what he wants, doesn't he? Must be nice. Need a hand? No, Roger, I don't need help. I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to these two little Christmas miracles. [ Lewis laughs ] [ Tires squeal ] Francine: Stan, will you do something about the trash cans? [ Sighs ] Sometimes I just wish I had Lewis' life. [ Twinkle! ] Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Francine: Stan! Go check the fuse box! Klaus, just be glad you're alone with no family. But I have grown to feel that I am part of your family, Stan. [ Laughs ] Don't you dare cry, not this Christmas. Just this time, no. [ Sobbing ] [ Groans ] Merry Christmas, Francine. Honey, where's my morning B. J. ? I have to get my own breakfast juice? Some Christmas. Hello? Where is everybody? Hello? Stan, you're shouting louder than the driver whose taxi I threw up in last night. And if you're not quiet, you'll wake him up. Roger, something weird's going on. Look at this Kathy Ireland poster. Francine would never go for this. That is weird. Never seen a Kathy Ireland poster that wasn't just put up with tape. What's going on around here? A pool table? Foosball? I sat by a girl in a bar in 1977 who said her dad invented foosball. Never looked into it, but it seemed like a lie. Oh, God. Oh, my God. People will lie to you in a bar, Stan. It's just a sad fact. No! The tree! Last night, when I was putting the angel on the tree, I wished I had Lewis' life. Oh, Jesus. This is the tree of a single man. Francine! Hayley! Steve! I did this. I wished for this. Well, it couldn't have come true, right? Do wishes come true? That's Lewis' pimp ride. Whoa. My family's all gone. What am I gonna do?! Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh [ Tires squeal ] Whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh, it's always a good time whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh [ music stops ] Wait, wait. This is all wrong. It is? I should be peacockin', baby! We both should, bitch! Let's go to work. Wait. If I wished for this, then why are you here? Maybe 'cause I was touching your butt when you wished. Butt wish? Sounds like a thing. Whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh, it's always a good time whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh we don't even have to try Unseasonably warm Christmas we're having. Race you to the beach! [ Engine revs, tires screech ] Good time whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh, it's always a good time whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh, it's always a good time whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh, oh [ crash! ] Best wish ever! It's always a good time I tell you, Roger, being single for a day it's been such a vacation. No doubt. Paradise, baby. Well, we got to make sure we milk this cow till it's dead. You know what? Let's go talk to Lewis, make sure we're doing all the single stuff. Diggin' it. He'll show us how to blow it out. [ Car doors close ] [ Engine turns over ] Sir, sir! The nozzle's still in the tank! It's okay! We're single! You guys are awesome! [ Tires screech ] [ Doorbell rings ] Uh, Stan. I-is that you? Check out this guy. He's all, "Uh, Stan. Is that you?" I-it was just your pirate costume threw me. I'm peacockin', dawg! So, me and my good friend, uh Lazlo Morphine. Me and Lazlo were buzzing around, having single-guy fun, and we need some pointers from the king of single players in this town. [ Chuckles ] Oh, Stan. What are you talking about? I'm not single. Oh! Oh, right. I get it. You got a girl in there. Don't want to let on you're a player. [ Chuckles ] Okay, ummaybe we can talk after the holidays. [ Chuckles ] We got to get a peep at his babe. Lewis is always killing it. Francine? What the hell is going on?! Oh, I think it's pretty clear, Stan. Principal Lewis and Francine have been doing it. Are you picturing it? I'm picturing it. Whoa. You should picture it. Whoa. Lewis has my family. Well, you did wish for his life. Maybe he got yours. Well, I didn't wish for that. I wanted my family to be, like, suspended in a void or -- or like a static nothingness or whatever happens when I leave the room. All right. I'll just wish for them back. I wish my family back. Andwish activate. You know, it might not be that easy. This might be one of those dealios where you got to learn a lesson before things go back to normal. What the hell does that mean? Like in the movies. You've seen "It's A Wonderful Life," right? Nope. How about "Big"? Unh-unh. You saw, "Ted. " No. Really? Look, sometimes in a movie, a person thinks they want something, but then -- Ooh! Like in the "Care Bears: Big Wish Movie. " Okay. I learned my damn lesson. Lewis has my shit, and I want it back. Not sure you have. You're calling your family "shit. " [ Door slams ] Guys, I know this may sound crazy. But right now, we're in a Care Bear movie. Is that why you're dressed as a pirate, Principal Smith? He's your principal. This is your fault, Lewis. You made being single look so lovely! I swear I'm your dad. Remember last year at Christmas I got you both three-hole punches s-so you wouldn't have to fight over one? No, last year on Christmas, we pretended we didn't see you walk into the sizzler by yourself. That's all I remember. Look, Stan, you, uh, seem to be a little agitated, but I don't want this to get out of control because, as you know, I'm a C. I. A. agent. You're in the C. I. A. ?! That's my life! Wait! Then you should have a gun right here. Oh, God! There it is. Everybody just chill out. [ Gun cocks ] You're my family -- mine! -- and you're coming with me. Some people say Porsche. Some people say Porsh-uh. I don't choose sides. I let the car do the talking. I say Porsh-uh. It's longer. Better chance someone will overhear me talking about it. Porsh-uhhhh. Seven swans a-swimming six geese a-laying [ Gun cocks ] Five golden rings I can't do this! But you sound beautiful! They sound terrified. [ Sirens wailing ] Oh, the C. I. A. 's here. This should be interesting. Principal Smith, you cuckoo bird, I know Christmas is a time for family, but it's supposed to be your own family! Of which you have none. You are alone in this world and, undoubtedly, will be alone in the next. So let that family go! But I'm not alonebecause I have you, Francine. Please remember. Okay, this should mean something. I know what you wanted for Christmas, so on three, let's say it together. One, two, three. Wine glasses. Snowmansweater? Damn it. Bullock: All right, Smith. We're coming in firing, but this Christmas massacre is on your head! Wait. A snowman sweater? I don't know why, but that does sound familiar. It -- it does? Francine, thank you. Thank you so much. But honey, the C. I. A. will never believe you. Our only hope is if I can convince them. Yes. Go, go. I'll be right back. Kids, come help me explain. Yes, yes. Good idea. That way it's not just her word against Lewis'. [ Gasps ] It was terrible. He's completely lost it. That poor, poor man. What are you waiting for? Take him down! I don't want to armchair Q. B. this whole thing, but, um, never release all your hostages, 'cause now what's stopping them from -- There it is. Yeah. I'm gonna go hide in the attic. [ Glass breaks ] Let me know how you do! [ Chuckles ] He should be unconscious by now. [ Sniffles ] [ Tires squeal ] I can't live like this! [ Siren wails ] Smith, stop or we'll shoot! If I can't be with my family, I don't want to live! [ Groaning ] [ Screams ] Sometimes I wonder if what we do makes any difference at all. [ Wind blowing ] [ All whistling "Joy To the World" ] Angel: [ Chuckles ] That was brutal. But you learned your lesson. You mean Yes. You learned the importance of family. So, I-I get my family back? [ Chuckles ] Yes, dear Stan. [ Blows ] [ Twinkle! ] Here you are, Stan. Andmy family's in there? No one is more in there than your family, Stan. Hey, pops! Hi, daddy! Just in time for dinner. This isn't my family. Oh, but it is. It's your real family. Hey, merry Christmas, pops. Merry Christmas, daddy. [ Smooches ] Merry Christmas, schmoopsie. Merry Christmas. What do you say, pop? Let's open presents! Oh, daddy! Can we, please?! Yes, son and sister of son. It's not weird that I'm your father. With that in mind, I'm gonna go in the kitchen. Angel? Angel! Klaus? What's going on? Everything's so different. [ Bubbles ] My God. The fish doesn't talk. What kind of twilight zone am I living in? [ Bubbles ] This is crazy! [ Bubbles ] [ Twinkle! ] [ Sighs ] What do you need, Stan? And bear in mind, this is my Christmas, too. Where's my real family?! This is your real family. But you didn't appreciate them, so we took them away and gave you a terrible family to teach you a lesson. Wait. Francine, Steve, and Hayley aren't my real family? No. They're your cautionary family. It was supposed to be temporary, butwell, ah, you fell through the cracks when the angel handling your case died. Angels can die? Where do they go? They go to super heaven. Well, I mean, if you believe that sort of stuff. Not everybody does. But I love my terrible family. Then why did you wish to be single? But -- but I want to go back. I wish to go back. No, you only get one Christmas wish. Now go join your family, Stan. It's the only one that's real. [ Blows ] [ Bubbles ] Mary: Honey, the kids are opening your gifts. Uhwhat's this? Caveman shoes? I bought this family the wrong gifts, too? I'm a crummy father in every reality. The Chinese grocery was open. We can still make peanut brittle! Roger, thank God you're here. I can't believe this is happening. Everything's so different, but not you, Roger. You're the same. I'm Gerald, your tenant. Why are you calling me Roger? 'Cause you're -- oh, my God. You didn't come with me this time. No, I've been at the mall giving eye exams, like I do six days a week. Thank God the mall's closed on Tuesdays. Tuesday is my Sunday. You weren't grabbing my ass when I went off the bridge. [ Chuckles ] Why would I grab it? I-I wouldn't even brush up against thatperfect a-apple. Yeah, you would. I know what you like. I also know you're an alien. How do you know all this stuff? Because I'm from an alternate reality where we're friends. Am I boring mall optometrist there, too? No. You're thousands of things. You're whatever you want to be. In this alternate reality, do I ever dress as a woman? Uh, yeah! That is, when you're not walking around naked. Oh, my God! That sounds amazing! We have to go there. Yes! Just this morning we were zooming around in a white Porsche, and you were wearing a purple jumpsuit. Stop digging! You struck oil! Why aren't we going already? Because I used my only Christmas wish. Well, do I get one? [ "Jingle Bell Rock" plays ] Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock Put this back on the tree and make your wish. Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring Wait, wait. All right. Make your wish. What's the point? It already came true. Just do it. Now the jingle hop has begun [ Twinkle! ] Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. It didn't work. Yeah, it did! I got my Porsche! Whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh You fool! What? [ Music stops ] Oh, we're out of wishes. Mary, you're my only hope! Don't you sometimes wish that we were never married? Honey, what's come over you? I-I-I think you're fat and. . ugly and you have bad hair. But those things aren't true. [ Sobbing ] I know! You're perfect! You got to think of something. These people suck balls. [ Car door opens, closes ] [ Engine turns over ] [ Tires screech ] I ruined the house. Now don't you wish we were never married? No! I'm just glad you're okay. You monster! Is this for me? Silly, that's for Ruth. No one understands me here! [ Crow caws ] Oh, Francine, these are like the wine glasses you never got. What's that, Stan? Oh, nothing. Just -- this wine glass has a spot. [ Chuckles ] Uh, there's -- there's no spot on that wine glass. What? Don't criticize her housekeeping. It's her one thing. It is? Yeah. Mary, this glass is filthy. [ Glass clinks ] Dude, I just told you -- Shut up, dickhead. I worked too hard for you to say -- This whole table setting looks kind of shabby. And these aren't even Christmas napkins. [ Gasps ] Mary: How dare you, Stanley?! Honestly, with your taste, the hole I put in the wall is an improvement. And you call this a tree angel? It looks like the creepy girl from "The Ring. " [ Shivers ] My great-grandma Lindqvist died with this in her arms. Well, it lookslikecrap. Maybe you're right, Stan. Sometimes I do wish we were never married. Great. Now put it on the tree. [ Twinkle! ] Please work. Please, please. [ Gasps ] Francine: Oh, honey. I thought you were sleeping in. No. I never want to sleep in. I want to be part of everything! [ Gasps ] Cozy! Thanks, dad. These are for you. [ Gasps ] I needed new birks! I know. I can smell. You got the wine glasses. Just the one. [ Chuckles ] What? Why? 'Cause you're my one and only, baby. Oh! Group hug! Aah! What's all the racket? Oh. Family hug. Stan: Get in here, fish. Mwah! Mom, dad! I learned my lesson. I'll never take you for granted again! Snot, for the last time, you're not our son. [ Sighs ] It was worth a shot. Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays