I'm With Stupid


 * [Patrick's house is shaking. SpongeBob knocks on it. Every time he does, it closes. He opens it himself. Patrick is cleaning frantically. He feather-dusts SpongeBob]
 * Patrick: Need...furniture! [makes a lamp post model out of the sand, then licks it to make it remain in shape; he then makes a sand drawer, television, stool, and a couch. The whole time he is still frantically mumbling]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, what's with the home improvement? [Patrick barks like a dog and continues to clean] Hey, Patrick!
 * Patrick: Oooooooh, sweep sweep! [Sweeps around the walls of his house and the air]
 * SpongeBob: Well, Patrick, I came over to see if you wanted to go jellyfishing. But I can see you're busy having an episode.
 * Patrick: [Stops cleaning. His face turns mad] You know something, SpongeBob? It's just all fun and games for you. Nothing really matters. [imitates SpongeBob] "Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do!" Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews, and nobody has anything to dust or to clean or to wipe! OR FABRICATE!
 * SpongeBob: But, Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate.
 * Patrick: [Patrick snaps out of being angry and starts crying] I don't know what to do, SpongeBob. You gotta to help me!
 * SpongeBob: [gasps] Patrick! You forgot how to eat again! Come on, we'll get the funnel.
 * Patrick: No, it's not that, SpongeBob; it's worse.
 * SpongeBob: Darn, I like the funnel. Well, what is it, then?
 * Patrick: Look! [Takes out a rolled-up flashcard from his belly button]
 * SpongeBob: Hey, a note! [A sixteenth note is shown]
 * Patrick: Yeah, but turn it over, there's a letter! [The letter B is shown]
 * SpongeBob: You're right!
 * Patrick: And I got this message from my parents! [Hands out a small message]
 * SpongeBob: Your parents? [Reads the message out loud] "Dear Patrick, your mom and I are coming out tomorrow for Starfish Day. Please try to remember, but don't try too hard, or you'll hurt yourself like last time. Love, Daddy."
 * Patrick: SpongeBob, my parents think I'm dumber than a sack of diapers.
 * SpongeBob: No, they don't, Patrick. Parents just like to push your buttons. Like this! [pushes Patrick's nipples and his eyes elongate] Nauuugh!
 * Patrick: [Laughing] That always cheers me up. [His eyes go back to normal] But not today.
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, if your parents think you're dumb, then they must not know what dumb really is.
 * Patrick: But don't they watch television?
 * SpongeBob: That's what I'm saying, Pat! If your parents got to meet a real dummy, they'd realize what a genius you really are!
 * Patrick: But don't geniuses live in a lamp? And besides, we don't know any dumb people.
 * SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick! I'll be the dummy! When your parents see how dumb I act, they'll think you're the smartest guy ever!
 * Patrick: Math is power!
 * [Bubble transition to the next day. Patrick is in front of his mirror]
 * Patrick: A, B, C, D, E, F, G... [Doorbell rings] Oh! H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O...!
 * Janet: Should I get the bullhorn again, Marty?
 * Patrick: W, X, Y and Z! [Marty doesn't realize the door has been opened and knocks on Patrick's head] Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
 * Marty: Son! You recognized us this time!
 * Patrick: Why wouldn't I recognize my own parents?
 * Marty: You never were a bright one. [Patrick groans. Marty laughs] Well, aren't you gonna show us inside?
 * Janet: He probably forgot where it is.
 * Patrick: Well, I know where it...
 * Marty: Oh, let me lead the way so we don't get lost. [Patrick, Marty and Janet hold hands] Huh? Hold hands now! [Inside the house] Okay, we're almost there! Let go on three. One... two... three! [Marty and Janet let go of Patrick's hands on three]
 * Janet: Good job!
 * Marty and Janet: Pats for Patrick! [Both laugh as Patrick looks annoyed]
 * Patrick: I'll go get the beverages. [Patrick leaves, then comes back with a tray with three drinks on it]
 * Marty: Wow, son! You put the drinks in something this time! Ah, son, you must've been working all night to put these together for us.
 * Janet and Marty: We love you! [Both kiss Patrick as he looks even more annoyed and groans]
 * Patrick: [Doorbell rings] Hooray, the idiot's here! I mean, I'll get it!
 * [Outside, SpongeBob is putting on his karate helmet]
 * SpongeBob: Protective helmet, check.
 * Gary: Meow.
 * SpongeBob: I'm supposed to look stupid, Gary!
 * Gary: Meow? [Goes back to SpongeBob's house]
 * SpongeBob: What could go wrong? [Patrick's rock opens]
 * Patrick: What a surprise!
 * SpongeBob: Hi. [translation: "Hello, Patrick. Sorry, I'm late."]
 * Patrick: Mom, Dad, meet my neighbor, SpongeBob!
 * SpongeBob: Hi. [translation: "Nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Star."]
 * Marty: Hello there!
 * Janet: How do you do?
 * SpongeBob: Hi. [translation: "I am doing great. I'll come in." He walks to Patrick's parents]
 * Marty: Put 'er there. [SpongeBob puts a doll on his hand]
 * Doll: Mama! Mama!
 * Patrick: He means "shake". [SpongeBob shakes his entire body] No, SpongeBob, no! Shake hands! [SpongeBob shakes both his hands] No, SpongeBob! Grab my dad's hand. [Puts both his hands and his left leg on Marty's hand] Grab it with only one hand! [Puts his left leg and hand down] Good boy! Now move your arm up and down! [He moves his shoulder up and down. Patrick giggles]
 * Janet: So, SpongeBob. Do you live nearby?
 * SpongeBob: Hi. [translation: "Yes! I live right by Patrick."]
 * Patrick: No, SpongeBob. Show them your house! [SpongeBob pulls up his pants and reveals a blouse] No, not your blouse! Your house! [SpongeBob screams and runs over to his house. He runs into the shell and gets stuck]
 * Janet: He lives in a fruit?
 * Marty: That's unhealthy.
 * Patrick: [Giggling goofily] Hey, SpongeBob! You wanna stay for dinner?
 * SpongeBob: [babbling like an idiot; translation: "My Pleasure, Patrick, my friend."]
 * [Later, Patrick, Marty and Janet are watching television while eating TV dinners]
 * Marty: Does he always do that after he eats?
 * Patrick: Only on Wednesday. [Pan over to SpongeBob pushing his nose to reveal his underwear. When he lets go, his pants pull up by themselves. This is repeated a few times. SpongeBob makes an alarm sound after that. Patrick giggles]
 * Marty: [Starts giggling with Patrick] Uh, Patrick, I think your friend might be broken.
 * Patrick: Yeah. And it would take more than some masking tape to fix that guy. [SpongeBob balances on his nose while making a fire truck siren sound. Makes other various sounds, including a cat yowl sound]
 * Marty: Whoa! Is he gonna be okay? [Seal barking]
 * Patrick: Oh, that's nothing. [Dolphin chirping] You should see him in the morning prancing around yelling "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" [Rooster crows] He drives all the neighbors crazy! [Horn] Why, just the other day, our neighbor Squidward was--- [SpongeBob jumps backwards over Patrick, Janet and Marty while making an elephant trumpet sound, then he crashes on the floor]. ---was really no help for him. [SpongeBob makes imprints of his front and back twice on the wall] I mean, look at the way he's dressed. Only somebody with holes drilled in their head would wear that stuff! And how about his shape? I mean, I've heard of barrel-chested, [Shows closeup of SpongeBob's pants] but never box-chested! [Janet, Marty and Patrick laugh. SpongeBob frowns] Hey, SpongeBob, do you have any mascara I could borrow? [Makes his eyebrows sound like elastic rubber bands]
 * Marty: [Chuckles] The boy wears make-up?
 * Janet: What a card! [Everyone laughs, except SpongeBob, who's now very annoyed]
 * SpongeBob: [Confused] Hey, Patrick! Patrick!
 * Patrick: Aw, he said my name.
 * Marty: Wow, how'd you train him to do that?
 * [SpongeBob is mad. He bites Patrick's finger]
 * Patrick: Ow! He bit me!
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, meet me in the kitchen!
 * Patrick: Oh, I guess the dummy wants to have a private conversation. [Janet and Marty laugh] A dumb one! [They laugh again, as SpongeBob and Patrick enter the kitchen] So, what's on your mind? Oh, wait, I already know the answer. Nothing! [Patrick laughs very hard] See, that's funny. 'Cause your dumb!
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, could you let up on the insults just a little bit?
 * Patrick: Oh, were those too complicated for you? I'll try dumb-ing them down a bit.
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, I get the feeling that you think I really am dumb! [glances at Patrick's t-shirt, "I'M WITH THE DUMMY" with an arrow pointing towards SpongeBob]
 * Patrick: That's just what I'd expect you to say. Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are. [drools]
 * SpongeBob: I'm only pretending to be dumb! It was our plan, remember?!
 * Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob, if only you could see how stupid you sound right now, with your talk of imaginary plans. Tell you what. You've caught me at a good mood. I'll humor you. Go on, go out there and act "smart" for everyone.
 * SpongeBob: Okay, I will! [Takes off his helmet]
 * Patrick: [Puts on the helmet] And don't worry, I'll keep this warm for ya!
 * SpongeBob: [In front of Janet and Marty, clears throat] I have a confession to make. I lied about being stupid. I just acted like a fool so you would appreciate Patrick a little bit more. I know how to talk, and eat, and do laundry. I even separate the darks from the lights. So what do you say we start over and try again? Hi! My name is SpongeBob SquarePants. And I am not a dummy.
 * Marty: [laughs] Amazing! Three minutes in the kitchen and our son has taught him to talk in complete sentences. [Puts his right thumb up] Oh, good work, son!
 * Patrick: [Puts his left thumb up] It wasn't easy, dad.
 * SpongeBob: [sputtering] But... but, but, but, but, but, but...
 * Janet: It looks like it's time for your next lesson, young man!
 * SpongeBob: Now, listen to me! I'm not dumb! I have a brain! See? Here's a picture of it! [He shows them a small picture of his brain]
 * Patrick: That must be actual size. [All except SpongeBob laughs]
 * SpongeBob: No! It's normal size and fully functional, watch. [Writes on Patrick's chalkboard] 2 plus 2 equals 4.
 * Marty: Hoho, son! You taught him math, too!
 * SpongeBob: Noooo!
 * Marty: And you taught him to sing! [SpongeBob is blabbering and sputtering, then starts tensing up] Oh, now he's short-circuiting! You must have taught him a little too much.
 * [SpongeBob imagines the three all laughing hard, because of SpongeBob's intelligence. Marty and Janet look at each other and laugh; then the three starfish all do the can-can. He imagines the three popping out of SpongeBob's pores. SpongeBob is inside Janet, who is laughing, inside Marty, who is also laughing, inside Patrick, who is also laughing, inside his eye.]
 * SpongeBob: [Screams at the top of his voice, then starts running towards the wall, crashing through the wall outside, running all the way back home]
 * Marty: You know, son, I've always known that when it comes to brightness, well, you're about a three-watt. But this guy! He's a wet match in a dark cave. He makes phone operators seem smart! [clears his throat] But more importantly, son, he's shown me what a sharp, quick-witted boy you've become. [Hugs him] Ha! I feel like I'm really meeting you for the first time. Isn't that right, Janet?
 * Janet: You bet, Marty!
 * Patrick: [His eyes widen] Janet?! Marty?! Who are you people?!
 * Janet: Marty, I'm scared! [Doorbell rings, then the rock opens up. Squidward, Herb and Margie are outside his rock]
 * Squidward: Excuse me. Does this lovely couple belong to you? They've been standing outside my house saying "Where's Patrick?" all day! It's driving me nuts!
 * Patrick: Mom! Dad!
 * Herb: Wow, son! You actually recognized us this time.
 * Margie: And you remembered to get dressed today! [Patrick, Herb and Margie laugh]
 * Marty: Oh, that's right, honey. We don't have a son.
 * Janet: Oh yeah! [Both walk away. Patrick and his parents laugh as their rock closes over them, then the screen fades to black, ending the episode]