Patty Hype

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Patty Hype" from season 2, which aired on February 17, 2001.

Plot
(We see The Krusty Krab all dusty, old, and abandoned. I appear that there has been a lack of customers for awhile. Squidward, in the ordering boat, blows dust off of him and the register. SpongeBob dusts off a cobweb on one of the tables, but a spider comes and makes another one. Once he dusts that one off, but and other one just comes and spins another web. Mr. Krabs is completely coated with dust, and sneezes it all off.)

Mr. Krabs: Ugh... 36 days without a customer.

(A fish dying from hunger crawls into the Krusty Krab.)

Fish #1: So...hungry...

SpongeBob: Ah! Mr. Krabs, a customer!

Mr. Krabs: Ah!

(Krabs squeals in delight, revealing a spider web growing in his mouth. A spider crawls all over it.)

Fish #1: No food... 3 days...

Mr. Krabs: Hold on, me bucko! Food's on the way!

(He is about to call into the kitchen, but then has a second thought.) Uhh... You got money, right?

Fish #1: Yeah...

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Bring this guy some grub before he keels over!

SpongeBob: Here you go, sir.

(He presents Mr. Krabs with a Krabby Patty and soda on a platter)

Fish #1: Oh. Krabby Patties, huh?

Mr. Krabs: Finest under the sea!

Fish #1: Yeah, yeah, sure. But where's the pizaz? I mean, look at this place. What's the theme here? Underwater? It's boring! (He turns and crawls away.) Food! Water! Atmosphere!

Mr. Krabs: No one goes to a restaurant for atmosphere. They go for food!

(He looks out the door as two fish see each other on the street.)

Fred: Hey, Tom!

Tom: Fred! Hey, you wanna eat at the Krusty Krab?

Fred: Nah, I'm going to the Shell Shack. They've got a talking dog!

Tom: Great! Say, what's a dog?

Mr. Krabs: (Gasps) Money walking! I need to think up a gimmick like that to bring customers back in here!

(SpongeBob peek through Mr. Krabs' eyestalks.)

SpongeBob: I have an idea!

(Mr. Krabs' eye stalks pull back together, chopping SpongeBob in half.)

Mr. Krabs: Wait! I've got an idea! (Cut to outside the Krusty Krab, where a marching band plays, and a crowd gathers around Mr. Krabs.) ...and so ladies and gentlemen, be sure to buy plenty of Krabby Patties as I bury myself alive! (Everyone cheers and confetti shoots up from the ground as Mr. Krabs wields a shovel. He digs a hole, and then hops into it.) No free refills.

(Then, he pats the dirt in around him, leaving himself underground with no trace of him. A fish runs up to on top of where Krabs was buried.)

Fred: Hey, everybody! The talking dog at the Shell Shack is SINGING!!! C'mon!

(He motions for everyone to follow, and they do, leaving Mr. Krabs alone, under the ground. Cut to the inside of the Krusty Krab, where it has been cleaned out.)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I have an idea!

Mr. Krabs: (Ignoring him.) What am I going to do? If I don't think of an idea, I'll go out of business!

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I have an idea!

Mr. Krabs: (Still ignoring SpongeBob) Why can't someone give me an idea?

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I have an idea!

Mr. Krabs: Great Neptune in Heaven, I need an idea!!!

(A divine light hits Krabs, and SpongeBob comes down, playing the harp and dressed like an angel.)

SpongeBob: (Singing) Mr. Krabs, I have an idea!

(Krabs grabs SpongeBob.)

Mr. Krabs: What in the name of money are you waiting for, boy? Tell me!

SpongeBob: OK. Prepare yourself, Mr. Krabs. Don't bother sitting down, Mr. Krabs, because you'll just stand up when you see this! Tada!

(Shows Mr. Krabs a green Krabby Patty.)

Mr. Krabs: Great Barrier Reef! That patty's spoiled!

(He knocks it off of the plate and onto the ground, where he burns it with a flame thrower. Once the fire is gone, SpongeBob appears in a fire-retardant suit and laughs.)

SpongeBob: Relax, Mr. Krabs! It's not tainted meat, it's painted meat! (Fire once again overcomes him, and he emerges in regular clothing, with an artist's pallet in hand. On the palette, Krabby Patties lie in different colors.) Pretty Patties! Available in 6 designer colors.

(Mr. Krabs laughs, and SpongeBob looks broken-heartedly at his own creation.)

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward! Come look!

(Squidward walks up.)

Mr. Krabs: Don't that look appetizing?

Squidward: Mmm, mmm!!! Good, sir!

(The two laugh.)

Mr. Krabs: Wait! Gimme an orange patty... With extra purple!

(Squidward laughs.)

Mr. Krabs: What's next? Sequin milkshakes?

(Holds up a milkshake cup with sequins and encrusted into it.)

Squidward: Bow-tie French fries?

(He holds up a French fry with a bow-tie on. SpongeBob is now welling up with tears.)

SpongeBob: No...

(Squidward and Mr. Krabs dance mockingly.)

Squidward: Pretty Patties, Pretty Patties!

SpongeBob: (Crying) Stop it! (When they don't, SpongeBob becomes indignant.) I know this is a good idea. I'll show you I'll... I'll... I'll open my own restaurant! (He runs out of the Krusty Krab.) You'll see!

(Squidward and Mr. Krabs look at each other. Then, they continue laughing. Cut to Conch Street, where SpongeBob passes his and Squidward's houses to get to Patrick's.)

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, are you angry, too?

Patrick: Yeah.

SpongeBob: What's the matter?

Patrick: I can't see my forehead. What's your problem?

SpongeBob: I have a good idea, an nobody else thinks so!

Patrick: Me, too. Inflatable pants! (He pulls a cord on his own Hawaiian shorts, causing them to inflate and lift into the air a few feet. Patrick is now upside-down.) What's your idea?

SpongeBob: I'm gonna open a restaurant and sell Pretty Patties!

(Patrick's shorts explode, leaving him with only a little patch covering his front.)

Patrick: Forget my dumb idea, that's great!

(Cut to later, where SpongeBob has constructed a purple stand that says "Pretty Patties". Patrick is behind a second one to the left of SpongeBob that is brown and says "Pay Here".)

SpongeBob: Are you ready for the big rush, Patrick? (Patrick pulls up his purple-and-green trunks and gives SpongeBob the thumbs-up.) Pretty soon those hungry customers will be lining up, because we are open! (He puts up an "Open" sign. Cut to him at the stand.) I'm ready! (We see him as an adult with the same camera angling. He has glasses on, and brown hair.) I'm ready. (We see him as an old man with a long, grey beard. His pineapple wilts and dies.) I'm ready... (We see his gravestone behind the stand, that says "R.I.P. I'M READY". There is a vacant spot where his pineapple previously was. SpongeBob wakes up at the stand and sees that that was a dream.) Patrick, how long have we been standing here?

Patrick: Uhh... (He looks at the sloppily-drawn crayon marks on his wrist made to look like a watch.) I need to draw a new battery for this thing.

(He scribbles on his wrist with a blue crayon.)

SpongeBob: What if Mr. Krabs was right? What if my idea is dumb?

(He cries.)

Patrick: SpongeBob, sometimes we have to go deep inside ourselves to solve our problems.

SpongeBob: I'm scared.

Patrick: Then I'm going in for you!

(He climbs into SpongeBob's head through one of his pores. Then, SpongeBob blows up like a puffer fish.)

Patrick: Sorry. Stupid inflatable pants!

(He flies out of SpongeBob.)

SpongeBob: Did you find anything?

Patrick: Huh?

(A fish walks up to the stand.)

Fish #2: Hey, do you guys sell food here?

(He is creeped out as SpongeBob and Patrick giggle.)

SpongeBob: Yes, sir! We sell Pretty Patties!

(He holds out a green Pretty Patty.)

Fish #2: That thing's green! (He starts laughing hysterically.) Green!

(He laughs more. Patrick joins in, but doesn't laugh hard at all. SpongeBob cries.)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs was right! What am I going to do with all these?

(He holds out the palette of Pretty Patties)

Fish #2: (Stops laughing) Hey, is that one purple? Purple is my favorite color! (He tries it.) Hey! This ain't half bad! Hey, world! "Pretty Patties" is the best idea ever!

(Cut to Mr. Krabs in his office, eating popcorn and watching a movie, crying. A spider dangling from its web cries as well.)

Soap Actress: (On TV) Oh, Rick, how could you? Together we were one!

Soap Actor: (On TV) That was before. But now, I'm splitting us up.

(Onscreen, we see an amoebae split into two amoebae. All of a sudden, it turns to a Bikini Bottom News emergency broadcast. The Realistic Fish Head news reporter talks at a desk. Behind him is a backdrop, and a bamboo screen showing a crowd of Bikini Bottom citizens cheering.)

Realistic Fish Head: We interrupt this program to bring you a special news announcement! This wild crowd behind me is screaming for Bikini Bottom's latest culinary sensation. Let's take a listen.

Crowd: (Chanting) Pretty Patties! Pretty Patties!

Mr. Krabs: Pretty Patties?

(The spider comes down and steals Krabs' popcorn.)

Realistic Fish Head: It's easy to see Pretty Patties are popular, but what is it about them that drives Bikini Bottom feeders wild?

(We see 3 women fish on screen, who hold out their purses to compare with the Pretty Patties.)

Fish #3, 4 & 5: They match our purses!

Fish #6: (With Scottish accent, kilt, and bagpipe.) They remind me of home.

(He holds up a plaid Pretty Patty, and Larry the Lobster runs up.)

Larry: Pretty Patties rule!

(He flexes his muscles.)

Realistic Fish Head: Mr. SquarePants, how do you explain all this success?

SpongeBob: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I don't know.

Mr. Krabs: How can you make money with such a stupid idea?

Realistic Fish Head: And how can you not make money with such a brilliant idea?

SpongeBob: At first we didn't know what to do with all the money. We tried burying it...

(Mr. Krab's eyestalks inflate.)

SpongeBob: ...shredding it...

(Krabs' eyestalks blow up even more.)

SpongeBob: ...and burning it!

(Mr. Krabs eyestalks burst and fly around like a balloon with a hole in it.)

SpongeBob: But in the end, we decided just to give it all away.

(We see Patrick at this stand that now has a bamboo "$" and says "FREE MONEY". He hands a filled paper sack to a man.)

Patrick: Come again, sir!

Fish #7: I'm getting back in line!

Mr. Krabs: I don't believe it!

(He runs out of the office and across the dining area.)

Mr. Krabs: I've got to see this for me self!

(He runs out the door and into a fish.)

Fish #8: Hey! Watch it, buddy. I don't care how much you want your Pretty Patty. You're gonna have to wait in line like the rest of us.

Mr. Krabs: I've never had a line.

(At SpongeBob's stand, the "Now Serving" sign flips to 46,853.)

SpongeBob: Who's #46,853?

(There is an excited roar from the crowd. Mr. Krabs makes his way to the front of the line.)

Mr. Krabs: I never had 46,853 customers.

(SpongeBob hands a patty to an anchovy.)

SpongeBob: Here you are, sir. Stay pretty. (He laughs.) All right. Mr. Krabs is that you? Isn't this great, Mr. Krabs? The Pretty Patties are a big hit!

Mr. Krabs: They sure are, boy. You're doing pretty well for yourself. I guess you've completely forgotten the Krusty Krab.

SpongeBob: No, sir, I haven't. Sometimes I really miss the old days back at the Krusty Krab.

(Mr. Krabs gets an idea.)

Mr. Krabs: I bet you miss Squidward... and the grill. And the crow's nest.

SpongeBob: Yeah. Yeah! But do you know what I miss the most, Mr. Krabs? It's that tiny little squeaking sound you get when you rub two pickles together. You know what I mean, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Uhh... Yes. Yes, I do, lad. Well, the Krusty Krab's only a short walk away. Why don't you head on down. For old time's sake.

(He takes SpongeBob by the hand and starts to walk away, but SpongeBob's arm expands and he just stays in the same place.)

SpongeBob: Oh, I can't leave, Mr. Krabs! What about the stand?

Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, lad. I'll watch the stand for ye. (SpongeBob retracts his arm.)

SpongeBob: You will?

Mr. Krabs: No! I've got a better idea! I'll take this old roadside stand off your hands. For keeps. An in exchange, I'll give you the Krusty Krab. With Squidward, the grill, and all those squeaky pickles!

SpongeBob: (In a trance) What did you say, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Here's the key to the Krusty Krab. She's yours now.

(He hands him a key, composed of two golden "K"'s and a ring.)

SpongeBob: Thank you. What should I do now, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Run to her, boy. She's waiting for ya.

SpongeBob: I can't feel my legs, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, boy! I'll fix it! Get this to the Krusty Krab on the double! Good luck, lad!

(He tosses SpongeBob to the crowd, who holds him above their hands and passes him down. While crowd-surfing, SpongeBob's surroundings turn into a pink sky with clouds.)

SpongeBob: Dreams do come true!

(The crowd throws him on the ground in front of the Krusty Krab, where he floats up and kisses the building. We see him cheer in the dining area, kiss the floor, throw buns up into the air in the kitchen, laugh over the phone in Mr. Krabs' office, and stand at the ordering boat, the whole Krusty Krab cleaned and refreshed. Cut back to the Pretty Patties stand, where Mr. Krabs holds up a patty.)

Mr. Krabs: Ladies and gentlemen! "Pretty Patties" is now under new management! Who's next?

(He waves a patty in the air. We see a sea-level shot of the Bikini Atoll Island. It turns from night to dawn. Cut to Mr. Krabs at the stand beside SpongeBob's house. The "Free Money" stand has been disassembled.)

Mr. Krabs: I'm ready! I'm ready! For me money. (A crowd gathers around him.) Welcome to Pretty Patties! May I take your money?

Fish #9: We want a refund, Krabs!

(Everyone chatters in agreement.)

Mr. Krabs: Wha-!?! Who? What?

Fish #10: Your dumb Pretty Patties turned my face purple!

Fish #6: Look what I got under me kilt!

(He raises his kilt to reveal a plaid body, and white underwear.)

Fish #11, 12 &13: And look at our tongues!

(We see a yellow tongue, a speckled tongue, and a pink tongue. Krabs refers to the pink-tongued man.)

Mr. Krabs: What's wrong with you?

(Fish #13 turns off a light to reveal his tongue is glow-in-the-dark, and is pulsing green.)

Fish #13: We want out money back. All 46,853 of us.

(He turns the light back on, but Krabs is nowhere to be seen.)

Fish #14: Hey, where'd he go?

(Cut to Krabs running away, and the crowd chasing them, a rainbow trailing behind them. Mr. Krabs slams into the Krusty Krab door, but it is locked, so he searches for his key.)

Mr. Krabs: My key! Where's my key?

(Recalls he gave it to SpongeBob, and presses himself against the door to get SpongeBob's attention.)

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Let me in! SpongeBob! Let me in! SpongeBob!

(SpongeBob is in the dining area, and cannot hear due to his pickle-squeaking. Krabs is chased left and right by the mob, still yelling.)

Mr. Krabs: Ahhh!!! SpongeBob let me in! SpongeBob!!!!!!