Elaine's Big Day

Hey, guys! Hurry up!

I'm the maid of honor and I have to be there early and I wanna get a picture in before we go.

Miami Vice called and I'm not sure... I don't know how to finish that joke.

What?

Ah, it's a crap joke, scratch it.

Winston, please. Your belly is on my hip.

Dad, can you come and take our picture?

All right.

Having a little trouble getting off this air mattress.

Oh, here we go.

And we... okay. I'm off, I'm off.

Here... where is it? All right, give me this.

Let's do this.

Okay, you ready?

Scrunch together. There we go.

No... uh, Rick, move one step to your right.

Me?

Yes, one step to your right.

One more step to your right.

I can't go much further.

One more step to your right.

Until you get into the hallway, and then, once you get in the hallway... No, I see what you're doing, dude. - Dad, Very funny, buddy. - Dad, Dad, we have to go...

...go directly to the Chinatown trash can where you got that suit. - There's nothing wrong with this suit. - Dad, we need to take the picture.

I wore this at my high school graduation.

Nick, you're not doing yourself any favors.

I look very handsome. I look like I'm on Miami Vice.

Should I take the picture?

No, I'm not doing this.

He's getting on me about the suit.

You're ruining the picture. - Okay.

I'm not doing it. I'm out of here.

Stop. Where are you going?

Was gonna do my cool poses.

You ready? One, two...

♪ Who's that girl?

♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ Who's that girl?

♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess.

You changed.

Check it out.

Schmidt gave me his worst suit.

He said, if I could get it over my thighs, he didn't want it.

Miami Vice called, and this time, I answered.

Yeah?

Yeah!

I hope you're not doing all this

'cause of what my dad said.

I don't think you're an unemployable alcoholic bummer.

What?

No, I don't think you're a child.

Whoa, when did he say that?

Hmm?

What?

Bob said that about me?

Anyway, the point is... I don't think you're any of those things.

We're at a wedding together.

It's nice, right? You look great.

Thanks. So do you.

I'm gonna go find Cece.

Yeah.

All right, I guess we're doing that.

There are so many fun, cool traditions at this thing.

The groom comes in on a white horse.

So, basically, they're just copying my Bar Mitzvah.

Oh, my goodness.

That is Bucky the Badger, Wisconsin's mascot.

Yeah, I got a sweatshirt with his face on it, and he's wearing a sweatshirt with his face on it.

Bucky cool. Bucky!

He's got a super weird thing with badgers.

Is that a real badger?

Hey, the ceremony lasts for three hours, so you better go pee now. You know, your weak bladder.

You remembered.

Of course I did.

Now I have to pee. Every time you say "pee," I have to pee.

Thank you for coming.

Go pee. Okay.

I'm gonna.

It's okay to be nervous.

But nothing can go wrong.

All you have to do is go out there, get married, and I will do the rest, okay?

Schmidt!

Get out.

Well, this certainly isn't the bathroom.

Get out. Get out.

Guys, guys, shut up and listen to me - it's Cece.

She doesn't want to get married.

Damn. - What happened?

Well, her exact words were: "I don't want to marry Shivrang, "but my whole family has flown out here from all the way across the world.

I can't back out now. Please, Schmidt, as my closest friend, help me."

What did Jess say?

Well, Jess didn't hear it -

Cece told me with her eyes.

Oh, so nothing happened. - Cool, so she's marrying Shivrang. - No, guys, I know Cece -

I know her looks.

Schmidt, what were you doing back there?

Cece's backing out of the wedding.

What?

It's true. She told me.

With her eyes.

Oh, my God.

I thought you were talking about something real. Schmidt.

The wedding's happening - let her go.

I have let her go. I'm with Elizabeth now and she's amazing.

Look, Jess, I'm telling you this as Cece's friend and nothing more.

Cece loves Shivrang - I know that 'cause I know her better than you do.

False. When you've had sexual congress with someone and you've peered into their soul at the exact moment of fulfillment... Ew.

No, no, hear him out.

Schmidt, listen up and listen good.

You are not to talk to Cece, you are not to look at Cece, and you are not to have eye conversations with her.

Or I will bust you.

Hard.

And later, I'm gonna bust you hard.

Yeah, you are.

Good night, nurse. I've been naughty.

Sorry, I didn't know - you guys were supposed... not supposed to hear that, so... Bros ever before the ho.

Anybody have a jar?

I'm sorry, okay?

But we have to sabotage this wedding.

Winston?

No, guys, look, you always bring me into these situations, and I get in over my head because I love pranks.

I really do. I mean, you know that.

Yeah. - But look, it's time for me to just face the facts that I'm no good at them.

You know, I'm 31 now, and it's time for me to cut the nonsense.

You're 100% right, man, but just, I don't know... what about today, just today... you give me full-on crazy?

Yeah!

You listen here!

Hey, hey, hey. Nobody's doing anything!

Yeah! - What?

What?

Jess asked us not to, so we are going to enjoy Cece's wedding like adults.

So good night, nurse.

Sorry for saying that.

I am all... I'm all turned around.

We sabotaging this thing or what?

Absolutely.

Hello, Auntie.

This is embarrassing.

I'll be right back.

Excuse me, Elizabeth. Can I talk business?

Yeah.

Thank you.

I want you to call it off.

What?

Whatever you're planning on doing, don't do it.

This wedding means a lot to Jess.

What are you doing?

What has happened to you?

You changed your suit, you're carrying her purse. - Yeah, I am.

You're wearing deodorant under both arms... Both arms, yeah.

Why are you trying so hard, man? Either Jess wants the real you or... or she don't.

The real Nick would help me sabo this wedding.

Is "sabo" short for sabotage, Schmidt?

Why would you...?

I mean, why would you even say that?

I knew it was. I was being mean.

I was bullying you to get dominance in this moment.

You know it... of course you know... you know it is.

I want you to call it off.

You know it's... You know "sabo" is short for sabot... sabotage.

I know... I know... Hey, skin it and call it off.

You got it, man.

Thanks, man.

I'll call it off. No problem, Nicholas.

Thank you, buddy. I appreciate that.

Thank you.

Now.

Now?

Shivrang, hold on!

Ow, my testicles!

Don't get on the highway!

Just reared up and just took off... I'm scared that it might have damaged me.

No, no, no, no damage.

Are you enjoying the wedding festivities, Schmidt?

What a spunky horse.

I know you're responsible for the horse thing.

Was I?

Yes.

Was I?

Yes.

Was...?

Yes.

Was...?

Yes.

Was I?

Yes.

Was I?

Schmidt.

♪ If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eyed Joe ♪ ♪ I'd been married a long time ago ♪ ♪ Where did you come from, where did you go? ♪ ♪ Where did you come from, Cotton-Eyed Joe? ♪ ♪ If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eyed Joe... ♪

It's okay. Who are you working with?

♪ Where did you come from?

♪ Where did you go?

♪ Where did you come from... Cotton-Eyed... Joe.

♪ Where did you come from, where did you go? ♪

Winston, no! Don't do this.

What's done is done, Nicholas.

Turn it off! - I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to.

Turn it off!

Nick!

Pranks!

Wrong way!

What... What did you... Of course!

Of course you were scheming with Schmidt.

Jess, I didn't do anything.

You think that Schmidt and Winston would be smart enough to duct-tape the sound board?

That's brilliant!

Plus, we both know that this is your CD.

♪ Where did you come from, where did you go? ♪ ♪ Where did you come from, Cotton-Eyed Joe? ♪

Why did you need me for this?

Nick?

Winston must have taken that out of my car.

How gullible do you think I am? You're fist-pumping right now.

No, I'm not fist-pumping.

Yes, you are.

Aah!

It's so freaking catchy.

I thought I could count on you.

I thought things would be different now.

How could you think I would do this at your best friend's wedding?

Because it's exactly the type of thing that you do.

A stupid, childish prank.

Oh, childish?

You're right.

I'm a child.

Great sabo, man!

I'm so good at pranks, man.

I feel alive.

Really good... Phase three.

What's phase three? Whatever it is, I'm in.

Let's do this.

Uh, hey, Jess?

Hmm?

We went too far.

What?

It's bad.

How bad?

It's really bad.

Schmidt... What did you do?

It was Winston's idea.

Oh, my God.

I'm really sorry, okay? I didn't want anybody to get hurt, but it's too late now.

It's bigger than all of us.

Tell me everything.

Or, so help me God, I will mess up your hair.

Your precious hair.

Winston's in the... What?

Winston's in... What? Say it louder. Say it louder.

Winston is in the air ducts with a badger.

What?!

Nick's there, too.

Ah, Nick.

You've never gone along with one of my pranks before.

This is exciting.

I never noticed, but you kind of have a girl butt. Is that weird to say?

This priest is never gonna know what hit him.

Wait, that is the plan?

You're gonna drop a badger on a priest?

Oh! He's mad.

That can't be the plan, man!

What did you do? What did you do? What did you do?

I deserve this. I deserve this. I deserve this, okay?

It's just, when Nick got involved, it became too big.

What? What do you mean, "when Nick got involved"?

He wasn't always involved?

No. He said no.

He said, "Jess means too much to me," or some crapola like that.

What are you doing?

Calling Nick.

Jess, he's in the ducts!

The ducts!

Beautiful ceremony.

Happy day.

The ducts!

I know where he is, Schmidt.

What? No, no.

That's my phone.

I said no phones.

I know. I'm gonna get it.

They can track us with phones.

What is going...? Relax. You're so weird with pranks.

What is going on with you?

Put the phone away!

I'm trying to! I'm trying to turn it off, you idiot!

Oh... no.

What's going on?

Uh... Bucky got out of his cage, man.

No! No! I'm getting out of here!

Let's go get him. No, you're coming with me.

You got to help me find the badger, Nick!

You don't be no bitch!

I want out of this place!

Bucky!

God bless both of you.

May he shower you with many, many children.

Ugh, he's not picking up.

Of course he's not picking up. He's in the... - Don't say it.

...ducts.

He's in the ducts.

Nick, stop being a bitch! Don't be no bitch!

Bucky!

I'm going up there.

Okay, good.

'Cause I really don't want to go up there. Look, I'm the kind of guy that likes to enjoy the AC, not see how the sausage is made.

Seriously, Schmidt? Shut up and give me a boost.

Bucky... Aah.

Winston!

Nick, where are you?

Marco... Polo!

I don't want to play that.

No!

Nick, it's me!

Nick, it's me!

Jess, what are you doing here?

Look, I-I know you didn't plan the sabotage, and I know you're doing this just to get back at me, but please don't do this.

Jess, it's not about the sabotage, okay?

It's about the fact that you think I'm gonna screw up everything I touch.

No, Nick, I don't.

You know what, Jess?

This is where I belong.

With Winston and a badger.

All right, Nick, look, let's just go get the badger and get out of here.

Can't get the badger because it's loose.

What?!

Hey, Jess, welcome, welcome.

No! Jess!

You know, I'm just staying positive, but, uh... I'm pretty sure this is where we die.

Winston!

When you complete the seven circles, you will be officially married.

You don't have to walk so fast, you know.

Guys?

Guys, you know... I've been thinking a lot about the Earth.

We got to leave it better than when we found it.

Is this what you wanted your life to be?

Is this how you wanted to enjoy your best friend's wedding?

Nick, look, no. Stop that.

I am not a healthy person.

Yeah, I know. I know, Nick.

Oh, you do?

So a part of you agrees with your dad.

No.

Just... oh, my... Okay. We got to get out of here.

...lovely ceremony with all your family and friends.

Tell me that there isn't a small part of you that's scared that I'm too much of a mess.

We have to go.

That this thing is a mistake.

You and me.

Just admit it, Jess.

Yes, there is a small part.

Yeah.

But... Run!

Oh, my... It's okay.

Jess?

Always a bridesmaid... Aah! Something touched my leg!

You know, sometimes I feel like I never really felt love, you know?

Do you know?

Hey! Hey, hey, everybody.

Hi. Hi. I'm Jessica Day. I'm the, uh, maid of honor.

I'm also the person who fell through the roof with my friend Nick Miller here.

Um, I have a few things to say.

Um, there might be a badger on the loose, but I have my best people on it.

I'm on it. Don't scare the badger!

Schmidty, help me!

Okay!

Funnel it into the mandap!

Okay.

Hey, guys. He's in the ninth row.

He is headed north.

Where were we? Um, Your Honor, please tell us where we were.

We were on the seventh circle.

So close.

Great. Cece, go.

Jess, you don't have to fix this.

Fix what?

This is a perfect day.

I'm sorry, everyone, but I can't do this.

And it's not because of the horse.

Or the badger.

Or "Cotton-Eyed Joe."

This isn't what I want.

What I want is to be with someone else.

Shivrang, I feel terrible. I'm sorry.

No... No, Cece, it is okay.

In fact, it's more than okay.

I don't know why I didn't tell you the truth ages ago, but... but I want to be with someone else, too.

Really?

Yes.

I have tried to forget you, Elaine - really, I have - but I just can't.

Who the hell is Elaine?

And I don't care what my family says.

I want to marry you in a Presbyterian church.

Oh, Shivvy.

I've loved you since the first grade.

And I'm so lonely without you. I just lay awake at night, and I just write about you in my journal, and I paint pictures of you on my easel.

I want our children to be photographers and... and backpack across Europe.

Will you take me away from this madness?

And you are not too short for me. I don't care what your mother says.

Oh, Elaine!

Come!

Let's go to Vegas and elope!

I feel slightly rejected.

Well... you were slightly rejected.

Yeah.

You okay?

Well, I'm not as good as Elaine.

Who could be?

I feel better than I've felt in a long time.

Good. I'm glad.

Boobies.

I don't think the badger's actually rabid. I think, um... he's just kind of a dick. So... Hey, Nick.

You okay?

Me? Yeah.

You mean from the fall?

Yeah. And... what we talked about.

Yeah. Look, Jess, it's not... you know, that big of a deal.

And we tried. It's just... You might be right about your fears, you know, it's... Just... just say it.

I-I think we should call it, you know?

It's not like we're in love or anything.

We had one night.

Okay, let's call it.

I think that feels good to me.

Does that feel good to you?

But you must have feelings for her.

You tried to sabotage her wedding.

I sabotaged her wedding as a friend.

I didn't want her to marry someone else as a friend.

It's only mantic because it's a wedding.

I would be just as happy to sabotage, I don't know... let's say, her tax audit.

Schmidt.

Weird day, huh?

It's a beautiful wedding, Cece.

Thank you.

It was Schmidt that you were talking about, right?

It was.

I'm-I'm sorry, Elizabeth.

Don't be sorry. It's not your problem. It's Schmidt's.

Why is it... Why is it my problem?

Who's it gonna be?

Me or her?

No, she's right.

You have to choose.

We're gonna do this now?

But can... can we sleep on it, maybe? Maybe take the night?

I've got... I just got this brand-new Coldplay bootleg. Live from Rotterdam.

What if we just make some pasta and really listen to it?

Are you in love with her or are you in love with me?

You have to decide.

Can I get a beer?

Heisler?

Perfect.

Hey, man.

Hey.

Bucky bit me.

Bit me bad.

Hmm.

Yeah. So, um... so I'm pretty dizzy.

Okay.

Okay, what happened with Jess?

We called it.

And she left.

Yeah, we-we called it off.

So, now I'm gonna drink, because that's my move.

Yeah. That was also your dad's move.

Yeah, when things get messy, you just run away.

But, you know, there are other moves.

Go.

Thanks, man.

Hey, bartender, can you call an ambulance?

I'm about to bleed out.

Thanks, man.

Look, I know you think we should call it, but I don't want to give up on this, even if we don't know what this is.

I want to un-call it.

Please, can we un-call it?

Before you say no... Don't say no.

♪ Down, down in my bones... Hey, give me the keys.

Where are we going?

I don't know.

Where did we come from?

Where do we go?

Where did we come from?

Shut up.

Yeah, that was

"Cotton-Eyed Joe," wasn't it?

♪ You talk to me... I felt like something was gonna happen.

Let's go!

Let's go!

♪ So let's go to bed ♪ Before you say something real... ♪

Turn left.

No, I'm going to make three rights.

- No, Nick, just turn left!

No, it's slower my way.

Why would you want to go slower?

♪ 'Cause it's you ♪ Oh, it's always you