The Telltale Head


 * Marge: Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday School today?
 * Lisa: The answers to deep theological questions.
 * Bart: Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
 * Homer: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that?
 * Bart: Our teacher.
 * Homer: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?


 * Jimbo: Naw, that was cloud talk. Throwing stones is one thing but I would never cut off the head of a guy who iced a bear with his bare hands. So what's in the bag, Bart?
 * Bart: Uhhhh.
 * Jimbo: I said, what's in the bag, Bart!


 * Janey: Will my dog Pepper be there?
 * Ms. Albright: I'm sorry, but the answer is no.
 * Janey: Why not?
 * Ms. Albright: Because Heaven is for people.
 * Lisa: What about my cat, Snowball?
 * Ms. Albright: I'm sorry, but the answer is no!
 * Bart: Uh, ma'am. What if you're a really, really good person and you've been in a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated? Will it be waiting for you in Heaven?
 * Ms. Albright: For the last time, Bart, yes!!!


 * Krusty: (grimly) There's someone out there in Krustyland who has committed an atrocity! If you know who cut off Jebediah's head... I don't care it's your brother, your sister, your daddy or your mommy... (cheerfully) Turn 'em in and Krusty will send you a free slide-whistle just like Sideshow Bob!!


 * Bart: Dad, can I borrow five bucks?
 * Homer: I hope you're not planning on seeing a certain movie starring certain Space Mutants that a certain mother didn't want you to see. (laughs)
 * Bart: (laughs) Perish the thought!
 * Homer: (handing Bart five dollars) Here you go son. "Share the wealth", that's what I always say!


 * Homer is listening to football during church
 * Announcer: It's a 49 field goal kick into the wind.
 * Homer clasps hands together along with everyone else
 * Homer: Make it, make it, make it, make it, make it! Please please please please please please please please!
 * Announcer: Holy tomato, it's good!
 * Homer jumps up in happiness.
 * Homer: It's good! It's good! IT'S GOOD!
 * Everyone stares at him.
 * Homer: It's good... to see you all... in church.
 * Rev. Lovejoy: Please be seated, Homer.
 * Marge: Yeah, sit down, Homer.
 * Afterwards
 * Woman talking to Rev. Lovejoy: That was very nice, Father.
 * Rev. Lovejoy: I'm glad you liked it. Ah, Homer, I seemed to have struck a chord with you today.
 * Homer: Huh? Oh yeah, you were great.


 * Grampa: I hope they find the punk who did this, and I hope they cut his head off!