Expert or Lair

(Episode opens with Rigby starting to pull weeds)

Rigby: Pulling weeds is the worst! Who planted these weeds next to the flowers, anyway?

Old Woman: Excuse me, young man. Are you responisible for this beautiful garden?

Rigby: Pfft, yeah.

Old Woman: You must know a lot about flowers. Are you an expert?

Rigby: I'm totally an expert!

Old Woman: (In manly voice) We got an expert!

(Cameramen come out from the bushes)

Rigby: What the---

(Cameramen point cameras at Rigby. The old women unzips her costume, revealing a young man in disguise. The man kicks away the costume and eagerly begins talking.)

Bert Coleman: Yeah, that's right! I'm Bert Coleman, host of TV's hit game show: Expert or Liar! Each week I disguise myself and question people on the street to see who's an: (Text comes up on the screen, along with people shouting the words 'Expert or Liar') 

(We cut back to the park house where everybody is sitting around, watching Rigby's debut on T.V. Everyone appears to be excited, except for Rigby himself, that is.)

Muscle Man: Aw, I've been waiting for this!

(We then cut back to Rigby and Bert Coleman)

Bert Coleman: Now, Rigby, you're claiming to be an expert on flowers; well, we've got ten flower-related questions for you. Answer each one correctly and ''you're an expert! But get just one question wrong and the world will know you're a big fat liar! ''First question: what color are violets? (He holds the microphone in front of Rigby's face)

Rigby: Easy. Red! No wait!

Bert Coleman: That is... incorrect''! (Bert Coleman points at Rigby) You are a liar''!

(The word 'Liar' appears on screen in big red letters. We then cut back to the park house again, where everyone is laughing, to Rigby's dismay. Rigby hides his face in his hands as his television debut continues.) 

(A person working for the show puts a cardboard sign over Rigby, which of course says 'Liar.' )

Anonymous Crew Member: You make me sick, liar!

(He punches Rigby, causing him to fall to the ground. Bert Coleman then bends down so he is at the same height level as the helpless raccoon.)

Bert Coleman: Flower expert? More like a big, dumb liar no one wants to hang out with!

(We cut back to the park house for a third time. Everyone is still laughing at Rigby's national screw up.) 

High Five Ghost: Classic Rigby.

Rigby: Aw, come on; stop it! What was I supposed to do, he just showed up and zipped off his face!

Muscle Man: You gotta admit, he got you good, liar.

Rigby: I'm not a liar! I may not be an expert on flowers, but I'm an expert at something!

Mordecai: Whatever.

(He and the rest of the park crew walk away, leaving Rigby to sit by himself on the couch)

Rigby: I'm gonna get back on that show, and then you'll see how much of an expert I am. You'll all see!

(A clock transition shows Rigby at the snack bar, stuffing nachos and cheese sauce into a green backpack. He starts to put in even more snacks as Mordecai enters.)

Mordecai: Dude, you don't have to do this, you know.

Rigby: I have to! That jerk Bert Coleman made a fool out of me!

Mordecai: How are you even gonna find him? He's always in disguise.

Rigby: Easy! His costumes are really lame. I just gotta find the weirdest looking person, pull their weirdo face off, then bam- I go back on T.V. and prove I'm an expert.

Mordecai: Dude, that's the worst plan ever.

Rigby: I don't care! Nobody ever takes me seriously, and I'm sick of it! I'm going after Bert Coleman and I'm not coming back until I find him, so don't wait up!

(A clock transition shows Rigby walking through town, trying to find somebody that might possibly be Bert Coleman. He approaches an old man that appears to be having trouble with a map.)

Old Man: Excuse me, sonny, could you help me read this map?

Rigby: Maps? Yes, I'm a map expert!

Old Man: Oh, wonderful.

Rigby: I'm also an expert at finding you, Bert Coleman!

Old Man: Bert who?

(Rigby then tries to pull the man's face off, leading to a montage of several failed attempts to find Bert Coleman. He ends up attacking a mime, yelling at an ice cream man, frightening a couple making out on a bench, bothering a construction worker, looking into a horse's mouth, and even fighting with Bloodshed and Manslaughter, who fight back. Rigby is then seen walking around with a black eye and angrily eating food. He looks at a billboard that is advertising Expert or Liar, the camera zooming in to the word 'liar.' Rigby then proceeds to dramatically scream 'Bert Coleman!') 

(Back at the park, Benson is seen walking into the snack bar. He is surprised at the amount of chips left in the nacho container and pulls out a tape measure to satisfy his suspicions.)

Benson: Oh no, no, no; these are not optimum chip levels! Mordecai, what did I tell you about hoarding snacks?

Mordecai: It wasn't me, it was Rigby!

Benson: Where is he?

Mordecai: He's not here. He got humiliated on national television for lying and now he's trying to get back on the show to redeem himself. You know, typical Rigby.

(Benson suddenly stops to think about what Mordecai said)

Mordecai (continued): Benson....?

Benson: Did you say he was humiliated on a T.V. show?

Mordecai: Yeah.

Benson: I have to go. (He exits the snack bar)

(We skip to much later at night. Rigby is sleeping on a bench, mumbling about Bert Coleman in his sleep. Suddenly, a vehicle pulls up, its headlights shining over Rigby's body. A shadow is then seen looming over Rigby, right as he opens his eyes. Rigby is eventually shaken awake by none other than Benson.)

Rigby: Benson? Where am I?

Benson: My apartment. (He hands Rigby a bowl of soup) Here, eat this. You look terrible.

Rigby: (Takes a sip of the soup) Why are you being so nice to me?

Benson: Look, Rigby, I know we don't always see eye to eye, but we do have one thing in common. (He sighs and holds up a tape) I, too, was humiliated on national television.

(He puts the tape in his VCR. A much younger Benson with short brown hair and glasses is shown standing in front of a microphone, waiting for the show to come back onto the air. A game announcer walks up, ready to ask Benson the final question.)

Game Announcer: And now back to: (Text comes up on the screen, along with people yelling 'Say That Word!') Benson, you've made it to the final round. Say that word, and you'll win a hundred thousand dollars!

Young Benson: (Runs around in circles) Woohoo! A hundred thousand! (He quickly pulls himself together again)

Game Announcer: What will you do with that money?

Benson: Quit my dumb job at the park!

Game Announcer: You work at a park? Sounds awful! Now, let's see that final word! (The word bandana appears in front of Benson) Alright, Benson: say that word!

Benson: BANANA! (His excited expression quickly fades when he hears a buzzer)

Game Announcer: Oh, I'm sorry Benson, the word is bandana. Not quite sure how you missed that one. (The camera zooms in on the word 'bandana') I mean, there it is: bandana! You just had to say that word. (Mutters) I thought we screen people to make sure they know how to read.

(To add irony to injury, a woman ties a plain white bandana around Benson's neck that says 'loser.' Right after this happens, all of Benson's hair fall outs, leaving him to scream 'No!' as static overtakes the screen.)

Rigby: Woah. Brutal!

Benson: (He puts a hand on his forehead) The mockery. The scorn! For years I couldn't leave the house without someone handing me a banana. I would never wish that kind of pain on anyone. Not even you.

Rigby: Thanks, Benson. I just need to get back on that show and prove I'm an expert at something.

Benson: Expert, huh? Well, I think we both know what you're best at.

(Rigby and Benson both shout a different answer at the same time)

Benson: Slacking off!

Rigby: Sandwiches!

Benson: Wait, what?

Rigby: Yeah, man, sandwiches! Meat, bread, condiments, what else you need to know?

Benson: Alright, let's go with sandwiches.

Rigby: But how are we gonna find Bert Coleman?

Benson: Let me handle that.

(A clock transition shows Benson addressing everybody in front of the park house)

Benson: Alright, listen up! Today I have a special task for all of you. Go to all the sandwich shops in town-

Muscle Man: (Interrupts) Aw, yes! 

Benson: -and find Bert Coleman for Rigby.

(Everbody starts complaining)

Mordecai: Aw, what?

Muscle Man: Why should we help that liar? He's the one that got himself into this mess!

Benson: (Points at Muscle Man) That may be. But think of all the times his lying got you out of messes. (He points at Mordecai) Mordecai, who lied to get you out of your chores countless times? (He points at Pops) Or when Pops broke that vase. Who lied to Mr. Maellard and told him a bird did it? (He points at Muscle Man) And Muscle Man... (The camera shows a close up of Benson's face) How many times did you get Rigby to lie to Starla because you weren't man enough to do it yourself?

Muscle Man: (Crosses his arms) Point made, bro.

Thomas: Actually, my friend Cody's an intern on Expert or Liar. He might be able to tell us where Bert Coleman will be.

Muscle Man: Geez, Thomas, why didn't you say so sooner?

Benson: Alright, then. Rigby and I will talk to this intern. As for the rest of you: start searching those sandwich shops or you're all fired!

(The next scene starts with Benson opening a drawer of a file cabinet. Thomas, Rigby, and Cody are standing eagerly behind him, waiting to see what he'll find.)

Benson: Thanks again, Cody.

Cody: Anything for Thomas.

Benson: (Rifling through the files) Okay, let's see. (The camera zooms in to show the message on the front of the drawer which says: "Expert or Liar" Upcoming Episodes A-Z) Swim dancing, scuba diving, sword fighting... nope. No episodes about sandwiches. Wait a minute! (He pulls out a file) It says here that Bert Coleman will be at an arcade tomorrow. That's kind of your thing, right Rigby?

Rigby: Of course! Video games! If there's anything I'm a true expert at, it's that! Man, who would have thought skipping work to play video games would finally pay off?

Benson: Uh, yeah. We'll deal with that later. (Points at Rigby) For now, we gotta get you ready.

Cody: It won't be that easy. Expert or Liar doesn't allow repeat guests.

Rigby: Hmm, hmm. I got an idea.

(We skip to the next day. A kid is playing Super Donkey Bros. when a short, stout man approaches him.)

Short Man: Hey, buddy, that's a pretty high score. Are you an expert at video games?

Kid: Yeah, I'm an expert.

Short Man: We got an expert!

(The short man unzips his costume, once again revealing Bert Coleman. His camera crew runs over as he starts talking.) Surprise, I'm Bert Coleman, and you're on Expert or Liar!

Kid: Well, I've got a surprise for you, Bert Coleman.

(The kid unzips his costume, revealing a well-disguised Rigby.)

Rigby: We meet again! Now put me back on the show, Bert!

Bert Coleman: We don't do repeat guests. Get out of here, liar!

Rigby: No! I'm here to stand up for myself, and everyone else out there who's been humiliated on television!

Joe: That's right! My name's Joe, and they made a fool out of me on Pull My Finger!

Anonymous: They got me on I Kissed Your Wife!

Anonymous: Pie in the face!

Benson: (Steps out from behind a game console) And I was humiliated on Say That Word!

Anonymous: Hey, it's Banana! (A banana hits Benson on the back of the head) 

Benson: Urrrrrrrrrrrragh. (Sighs) Put him back on the show, Bert.

Bert Coleman: You want a second chance, huh? Well, I have something real special for you. It's our season finale, and we're broadcasting'' live! (Bert picks up Rigby and shoves him up against a camera) ''Say hello to the folks at home.

(Back at the park house)

Skips: He's in for it now!

(Back at the arcade)

Bert Coleman: And that's not all! If you lose, we'll re-run this episode every day as long as this show's on the air. Which will be a long time 'cause our ratings are really good. So what do you say?

Rigby: Bring on the questions.

Bert Coleman: To the gaming center!

(A video-game like background appears behind Bert Coleman, featuring elements such as platforms and ladders. A pixelated audience appears, watching in anticipation.)

Bert Coleman: You must answer ten questions about video games. Each correct answer will move you ahead in the obstacle course. Let the game: begin!

(The platform underneath Bert Coleman raises up, taking the game announcer for a ride)

Bert Coleman: First question: How much lemonade takes you to the final level of Lemonade Stand?

(Four lemons and a pitcher of lemonade appear behind Bert Coleman. Bert sends a lemon tumbling down towards Rigby, which he dodges. Rigby then runs up a steel girder.)

Rigby: I know this! (He hoists himself up onto a ladder when another lemon comes towards him) Sixteen pitchers!

Bert Coleman: That is... correct! (The lemonade pitcher behind him disappears) Name the two main characters in Xtreme Xcape.

(The two main characters appear and try to hit Rigby with their guns. Rigby dodges their attacks, however.)

Rigby: Hairowitz! (The blond character disappears) Afroski! (The other character disappears)

Bert Coleman: Correct!

(Rigby scampers up a ladder and advances to the next level. Bert Coleman rides up on his platform, making three pixelated basketballs hover over his fingertips.)

Bert Coleman: The secret move in Hoop Jams 5000 is... (He throws the basketballs at Rigby)

Rigby: Triple Double Hand Combo! (The basketballs stop right in front of him and disappear)

Bert Coleman: Correct!

(Rigby crawls up another ladder to come face to face with two big, buff dudes. He doesn't even need to be asked a question, this time.)

Rigby: John and John from Strong Johns!

(The two characters immediately dissolve into pixelated nothingness)

Bert Coleman: Correct!

Rigby: The Hammer's weakness is ''furniture! (He bashes the eight bit character over the head with a chair)''

Bert Coleman: Correct!

Rigby: Left, right, AB, AB, start! (He deflects a fireball right back into the Destroyer of Worlds's face, causing the eight bit demon to explode)

Bert Coleman: Correct!

Rigby: (Jumps onto a ladder) The Maximum Glove! (The glove flashes red and explodes)

Bert Coleman: Correct!

(Giant fruit comes flying towards Rigby)

Rigby: Shikara Yama Shito! (He eats a banana, giving him a boost of energy)

Bert Coleman: Correct!

(Rigby quickly jumps from girder to girder as Bert Coleman asks him another question, the camera panning up to Bert as he finishes asking it)

Bert Coleman: In Dig Champs, how fast are the giant slugs?

(A giant slug appears in front of Rigby)

Rigby: Trick question. They're giant snails!

Bert Coleman: Correct!

(The giant slug turns into a giant snail and breaks through the girder. Rigby quickly climbs up two more ladders, only to end up hanging on for dear life as he reaches a final, spinning girder.)

Bert Coleman: Last question: Who holds the universe record in the game: Broken Bones?

(A giant GBF forms below Rigby and starts laughing)

(Back at the park house, everyone gasps in shock, and Benson looks on worriedly at Rigby from his place in the arcade)

Rigby: (He barely manages to hold onto the girder) It was... Garrett Bobby Ferguson!

Bert Coleman: Wrong! (Laughs) LIAR!

Rigby: I said he was. Until the record was broken by Mordecai and me! And I did it because I'm an EXPERT!

(Rigby jumps up and punches Bert off of his platform, leaving him to fall into the pixelated GBF's mouth. After swallowing him, the video game GBF yells 'No!' and explodes. Rigbys hops up onto Bert Coleman's platform.)

Rigby: IN YO FACE! (A giant eight bit version of himself appears behind him, along with the word 'Expert!')

(Benson happily eats a banana, and the video game audience cheers)

(Back at the park house, eveyone's cheering for Rigby)

Mordecai: He did it! He actually did it!

Pops: Oh, good show! Hahahaha!

Mordecai: Good thing he didn't go with sandwiches, am I right guys?

High Five Ghost: Sandwiches? Oh, no! Where's Muscle Man?

(We cut to Muscle Man yanking on some innocent bystander's burger costume) 

Muscle Man: Take off the bun, Bert! Take off the bun!

(End of Expert or Liar)