Lotsa Latkes

(Scene opens up in the senior lodge)

Isabella: Thanks for helping me set up for the Latke Festival this year, guys! It'll really go a long way toward helping me get that Golden Years Assistant patch.

(Nana Shapiro blows her nose)

Phineas: Hi, Nana Shapiro.

Nana Shapiro: Can't wait for the latkes, darling. Nobody's had a bite to eat all day!

Isabella: We can start cooking as soon as Baljeet gets back with the potatoes.

Baljeet: No! No, you cannot! We looked all over the place, but there are no potatoes in the entire Tri-State Area!

Buford: And I'm down to my last potato chip! Better make this bad boy last...

Isabella: What am I going to do? Have you ever seen senior citizens riot? It's like a slow gray tornado of canes and false teeth!

Phineas: Buford, let me see that potato chip. Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today! We're gonna use the DNA in this potato chip to clone our own potatoes! Hey, where's Perry?

(In Agent P's lair...)

Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P! We recently learned that Doofenshmirtz has fallen behind on his electrical bills. This seems odd considering his generous alimony package. His ex-wife, Charlene, is loaded! And, I might add, quite a handsome woman. (Perry stares in boredom) No, not, not that I've given that a great deal of thought. (clears throat) Investigate at once. Monogram out!

(Perry salutes, then blasts out of the lair in a rocket)

(In the Flynn-Fletcher house...)

Candace: Summer is boring! I am so-oh-oh-oh bored...

Linda: Why don't you call Jeremy?

Candace: He's working.

Linda: What about Stacy?

Candace: Grounded.

Linda: Jenny?

Candace: Protesting.

Linda: (flatly) What about busting your brothers?

Candace: Well, it's nice of you to take an interest, but they're not even in the backyard.

Linda: Well, you can't sit inside on a gorgeous day like today. So, Missy, grab that pink bike! We're gonna get out and about!

Candace: I don't think so.

Linda: Oh, come on, It'll be fun. (drags Candace by the arm)

Candace: Whoo-hoo, hooray.

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

(Perry lands, slips on a banana peel and lands in a stockade)

Doofenshmirtz: (laughs) So, Perry the Platypus, do you like your trap? It's called the stocks! I read about it in this book, Ten Greatest Historical Traps of All Time. Look, it's a pop-up! (shows a pop-up bear trap) It also came with this bonus pamphlet, The Ten Greatest Historical Armies of All Time. And according to this, the Spartan Army was fierce, unstoppable, and followed every order without hesitation. Which is why I got this! (leave, emerges in Spartan General costume) Huh? It's a Spartan General costume. Yeah, it must have been...warmer in Ancient Greece. (pause) Anyway, once the Spartan Army sees me in this, they'll obey my every command! And help me take over the Tri-State Area! And how will I acquire the Spartan Army, gone lo these many millennia? With my Historical-Army-Retrieve-inator! I-it's potato-powered because I spent this month's alimony check on my last inator. You remember that, the Made-of-Gold-inator. And you know, I wore out three pairs of shoes buying up all these potatoes, but...on the good side, it smells like French fries in here.

(Scene shifts back to the senior lodge)

Phineas: Ladies and gentlemen, behold the wonder that is the Spudsalot! Buford, the potato sample.

(Buford gives Phineas his chip and Phineas puts it in the compartment. The chip is scanned)

Phineas: Okay, Ferb, start her up.

(Ferb drives the Spudsalot around the lawn, zapping the ground making holes with potatoes in them)

Phineas: It's working!

Isabella: Oh, thank goodness! Now I can... Uh, Phineas, those potatoes have eyes.

Baljeet: All potatoes have eyes.

Isabella: Yeah, but these eyes blink!

(The potatoes have eyes on them and are staring at Isabella)

Phineas: Buford, you didn't put that chip in your mouth, did you?

Buford: And if I did, would that be...actinable?

Phineas: I think the DNA from Buford's saliva must have combined with the potato's DNA to make some sort of... (the potatoes stand on their own) Buford potato hybrid! Let's get outta here!

(The kids run over to the Spudsalot and watch the potato gremlins run)

Buford: Oh, look at the little guys, they're like little bullies! I am both proud and ready to soil my pants in terror.

Potato Gremlin: I like my tacos spicy.

Phineas: We should probably do something about them before they do, um, whatever...mutant Buford potatoes would do.

Isabella: But what about the party?

Phineas: Right! Baljeet, you and Buford go stall the seniors while the rest of us simultaneously round up the spud spawn. Hey, wait. Ferb, isn't "simultaneously" on our list of "S" words seldom used by kids?

(Ferb crosses out the word "simultaneously" on the said list)

Phineas: Awesome!

(Scene shifts to Linda and Candace on bikes)

Linda: See? Isn't this fun?

Candace: (not so thrilled) Thrilling. (hears growling) What?

(The potato gremlins go by, followed by Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella on the Spudsalot)

Candace: Mom, look! Potato, uh, gremlins! And Phineas and Ferb!

Linda: (turns her head to see a carrot juice truck go by) "Potato gremlins"? Candace, are you okay?

Candace: (Smiling) Never better. Come on, Mom, let's step it up! (takes off)

Linda: I'm glad you're finally getting in the spirit.

(Back at D.E.I.)

Doofenshmirtz: And now, to summon the Spartan Army! (fires up the inator) Ooh! Here they come! Here they come! They're coming!

(The army is summoned, but it's actually a Mongol Army)

Mongol Army: Huh?

Doofenshmirtz: Ha-ha! What, wait, what? A Mongol army? Really? Huh, I must have had the dial set for..."Hun". Oh, well, you don't look a gift horde in the mouth, so...hello! Hi there, me, yeah. Welcome to the future, my ruthless Mongol Army. I realize you can't understand what I'm saying, and you're probably confused a bit by the Spartan General's uniform, uh, but together, we will rule the Tri-State Area...

(The Mongols yell and run out, trampling Doofenshmirtz)

Doofenshmirtz: Ow! Hey, what are you... (notices the Mongols messing up the kitchen) Oh, you're hungry! I guess it has been 1,200 years since you've eaten. Well I suppose we could call out... (the Mongols trample him again and bust through the wall) Oh, you ruined my helmet. Now I've gotta get a new costum... Wait a second, that's it! I'm in the wrong outfit! All I have to do is hit the costume shop, then round up my Mongols, and the Tri-State Area will be mine! (runs off laughing)

(Back at the senior lodge...)

Senior citizens: We want latkes! We want latkes! We want latkes!

Old man #1: Hey! Where's my nosh?

Old man #2: I don't have to put up with this. I'm part of the greatest generation!

Baljeet: Buford, what are we going to do? Phineas wants us to stall. We gotta think of something!

Buford: Uh...wait a minute. I got an idea. (holds up a sock puppet, in high voice) Hello, folks! I'm Mr. Sock! Hey! Who turned out the lights? (Buford draws eyes on the puppet) Thanks!

(Pause)

Old lady: You stink!

Buford: (As Mr. Sock) That wasn't very nice!

(Baljeet holds up a sock puppet)

Baljeet: (high voice) Technically, we are socks.

Buford: (As Mr. Sock) Hey, Mr. Other Sock! What are you doing here?

Baljeet: (As Mr. Other Sock) Just looking!

Buford: (As Mr. Sock) For what?

Baljeet: (As Mr. Other Sock) My sole mate!

(they laugh)

Old woman 1: You both stink!

Baljeet: I think we have to take it up a notch.

(Buford shuts the windows and Baljeet turns off the lights.)

(Song: Frenemies)

Buford/Baljeet: We look good in hats

Long tails and spats

When we hit the town together, baby, we know where it's ats

Baljeet: You are pluralizing "at"?

Buford: Work with me, brain boy.

(Downtown, the potato gremlins start to cause havoc)

Phineas: Well, this is a mess.

Isabella: How are we going to round them all up?

(Ferb holds up two hoses)

Phineas: Yes! If we reverse the backup engine on the Spudsalot and attach those hoses, we can suck the potatoes into that soothing hot tub we built into the bulkhead.

Isabella: Hot tub?! Why on earth would you build a hot tub on this thing?

Phineas: I'd like to think the real question is, why wouldn't we? (attaches the hoses) Time to round up some spuds.

(Scene shifts back to the senior lodge)

Buford/Baljeet: If I were dangling from a ledge he'd

Surely save me with a wedgie

Baljeet: I'm smart, perhaps a bit refined

Buford: And I'm a bit more edgy.

Buford/Baljeet: 'Cause we're frenemies

We like disliking one another

Yes, we're frenemies

He's like my least favorite brother

(Isabella is trying to keep a hose attached)

Isabella: Uh-oh!

Potato Gremlin: I like my tacos spicy!

Isabella: Pull up alongside! (proceeds to suck up the potatoes) I got three more. How're we doing?

Potato Gremlin: Cannonball!

Phineas: It's working! YEE-HAW!!!

(The Mongols rush out of D.E.I, the potato gremlins stop)

Potato Gremlin: Spicy.

(Both groups stare at each other, the potato gremlins yell)

Mongols: French fry!

(The potato gremlins scream and run away as the Mongols chase them)

Potato Gremlin: Spicy!

Mongols: French fry!

Potato Gremlin: Spicy!

Isabella: Wow, Buford had Mongolian barbecue for breakfast?

Phineas: I don't think those are ours.

(They rush off, Doofenshmirtz comes out of D.E.I.)

Doofenshmirtz: Costume shop!

Phineas: Follow that horde!

Candace: Ha-ha! We've finally caught up to 'em! Mom, keep up!

Linda: (panting) Wait...up...Candace.

Candace: But they're right around the corner!

Linda: I'm not...as young...as I used to be! (stops pedaling)

Candace: Fine!

(She throws a lasso of sausages around Linda's handlebar and drags her)

Candace: (mocking) "I'm not as young as I used to be."

Linda: WHOAAAAA!

(Scene shifts to the costume shop)

Salesclerk: One Genghis Khan costume. Will that be cash or credit?

Doofenshmirtz: I'm kind of low on funds right now. (shows potatoes) Do you take potatoes in trade?

(Back to the senior lodge)

Baljeet: I like complex calculations

Buford: I like physical confrontations

Buford/Baljeet: We both have our roles, this is a symbiotic relation...ship

'Cause we're frenemies

We like disliking one another

Yes, we're frenemies

He's like my least favorite brother

You and I, we're not enemies or friends

We're just frenemies to the end!

(The Mongols and potato gremlins bash through the wall as the senior citizens applaud. Just as the Spudsalot pulls up, the Mongols begin to fight the potato gremlins just as Doofenshmirtz, dressed as Genghis Khan, barges in.)

Doofenshmirtz: Stop! My brothers! And...others. Uh, gaze at last, upon my appropriately Mongolian military regalia and know that you must now obey my every command!

Isabella: Oh, no! The Latke Festival is ruined.

(Candace pulls up followed by Linda with newspaper in her face)

Candace: Ha, ha, ha! Mom! Mom! Potato gremlins! (closes eyes and points) And...others! Look!

Linda: I'm trying, honey! These classifieds just go on and on. (tries to removes the excessive newspapers)

(Back at D.E.I., Perry manages to resist the stockade and runs over to the Historical-Army-Retrieve-inator. He flips it around and it fires a ray. Perry parachutes out of the building to safety.)

(Scene shifts back to the senior lodge)

Doofenshmirtz: Now, we can rule the Tri-State...

(The ray hits Doofenshmirtz and the Mongols, they disappear along with the potato gremlins and the Spudsalot)

Linda: (gets the last newspaper off) Ooh, coupon! (to Candace) Now, what am I looking at?

Candace: But...but...but...

Linda: I think you had enough fun for today. (takes Candace by the arm)

Candace: Noooooo!!!

(Linda drags an upset and deadpanned Candace out of the cafeteria)

Isabella: Oh, Nana, I'm sorry we ruined the festival.

Nana Shapiro: Ruined? Ha! That was the best time we've had since they cancelled Three-Bean-Salad Tuesdays. The floor show was fantastic!

Isabella: Really?

Nana Shapiro: The ending was a bit out there, but trust me, they had us at sock puppets!

Buford: Form a line, people. Form a line.

Phineas: Well, it's too bad we couldn't get the potatoes for the latkes. But I'd say everything worked out fine. (Perry arrives) What's Perry doing in a pillory?

Ferb: Actually, those are stocks; a pillory forces the wearer to remain upright, exposing them to poking and prodding from passers-by.

Phineas: Wow; I'd expect that kind of esoteric knowledge to come from someone a little older, 50 or 60. Or perhaps, a septuagenarian.

(Ferb crosses off the word "septuagenarian" in the list of S words. Phineas winks, points, and makes a clicking noise.)

End credits
(Somewhere in Mongolia...)

Archeologist: This is it. No one has seen this for a thousand years. (brushes off a legend and blows on it) The legend tells of an epic battle between the Mongol Army and... potato gremlin creatures, while a, uh, pharmacist from the future worked in vain to return to his time, crying out, "Curse you, Perry the Platypus"?

(The archeologist's companion leaves)

Archeologist: I swear! I majored this in college.