Bob and Deliver

Louise: Ugh, even stripes don't help.

His body's an enigma.

Do they make an apron with a control top?

I think you look pretty, Dad.

Stop it. I just want a plain white one.

You can't wear white.

You're not a virgin. Gene.

Hey, there's Mr. Frond.

Oh, hello, Belcher family.

Classy martini set.

The name's Frond. James Frond.

I've got a license to... counsel.

Double-oh-so-sad.

Louise, be nice.

Why? It's Mr. Frond.

Ah, Tina, since I caught you, your Home Ec teacher Mrs. Woods is going on disability.

O-M-G. Is she okay? Obviously, I can't share confidential details.

All I can say is, she's a drug addict.

So, until she comes back, we're folding Home Ec in with Metal Shop.

Metal Shop?

Say good-bye to your fingers.

You can build metal fingers.

Boy, it's a shame to cancel Home Ec.

I mean, everybody needs to learn how to cook, right?

A lot of kids aren't lucky enough to grow up in a restaurant.

Oh! So that's what you tell yourself. Well, Bob, maybe you'd like to fill in as a substitute, huh?

Me, teach? Wow, I mean, I can't.

I-I've got the restaurant to run. But... it is an honor to pass on what you know to the next generation, right?

I mean, I might even change some lives.

What's wrong with Dad?

Frond is right! I can teach kids!

Mmm... I did it with you, Gene.

(blows raspberry) What the hell, let's do it.

Wow, this will be great. I've never been teacher's pet before.

But now I have a huge head start because Dad already likes me.

Like is a strong word.

Teacher's pet, the gold star of gold stars.

(jazzy music playing)

(applause)

Mmm...

Ahh...

What are you doing, Tina?

Nothing.

You'll see.

Well, here I am, all set for my first day.

Oh, my God.

You look so handsome!

Just like Richard Dreyfuss in Mr. Holland's Old pen1s.

Um... Why are you carrying Mom's old purse?

Oh. I-I thought it kind of looked like a briefcase.

Go ahead and use it. But let me take out my pepper spray.

Unless you want to cook with it.

(chuckles)

If it's anything like butter spray, I'm in!

Guys, remember, at school, I'm Mr. Belcher, so treat me like you would any other substitute teacher.

That means you get a mean nickname and we assume you live a horribly depressing life.

In this case, we know it's true.

Bob, you're getting a nickname! Fun!

Mr. Belt-Stretcher.

Ha!

Gene: Mr. Bowel-Chair.

No, Dr. Fart!

Alphonso Poo Poo Fatty III.

Those are kind of all not very good.

Hmm, Bowel-Chair, pretty good.

All right, let's go to school.

Let me try a squirt of that pepper spray.

(screaming)

Oh, actually, not so bad.

Linda: Aw, what's the matter, Teddy?

You're actually chewing your food instead of throwing your head back like a duck. (groans)

I got to go to my cousin's wedding this weekend and I'm dreading it.

Oh.

Is this the cousin you got to second base with?

No, that was my second cousin and it was third base. What is it then?

There's always dancing at weddings, and I can't dance.

You know, Teddy, I could teach you how to dance. I taught myself, and look at me. (tunefully grunting) That is impressive.

Right? I don't know. I mean, the wedding's in three days.

That's plenty of time.

It's maybe's too much time.

Can they move it up?

(chuckles) I don't think so.

They already rented a bounce house.

Bounce house?

Yeah, pretty shi-shi.

(school bell rings)

(indistinct chatter)

Hello, class.

I'm, uh, Mr. Belcher, your substitute.

I will be teaching you, but I also look forward to each one of you... whoa... teaching me.

Nice purse, Mr. B.!

(laughter)

It's a... it's a briefcase.

Man purse!

No, it's not a man purse.

Zeke: Purse! Anyway, what have you guys covered so far?

Pies? Omelets? Maybe you've tackled a casserole?

One time we made popsicles out of juice.

And then we made juice by melting popsicles.

Oh, wait, that was in science.

We don't cook in Home Ec.

We watch educational movies.

And I do funny commentary.

Zeke's really funny.

(chuckles) 'Prec.

So put in a flick Mr. B.

No, no, no. Today, why don't we actually do a little cooking?

Cooking's stupid!

The only cooking I do is an lndian burn!

(cackling) Ah! Zeke, it burns!

Gotcha!

I'm gonna go get your neck! Zeke!

Zeke, let him go.

Play the movie!

Class: Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie!

Alphonso Poo Poo Fatty III!

Dr. Fart!

Alphonso Poo Poo Fatty III!

(indistinct shouting)

I have pepper spray in my purse, and I will use it!

Movies! Movies! Movies! Movies!

You're animals!

You're all animals!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's going on in here?

Calm down, children.

Here's your movie.

(sighs)

♪ I'm here to teach you Home Ec ♪ ♪ It'll only take a sec Nothing to make fun of yet. ♪

I'm really enjoying it so far.

Kids are horrible.

Why do we keep making them?

Do you need a hug?

No. Kind of. No.

All ght, Bob, I should have explained.

Home Ec isn't for honor students.

It's where dumb-dumbs learn to make ice.

You know my daughter's in that class, right?

Yes, Bob, I do.

Okay, but shouldn't we be... challenging these kids?

What? Like a fight?

I don't want to fight those kids.

Maybe the girls, but...

No, teaching them.

Teaching them how to cook.

Bob, the movies mellow them out.

(chuckling): It's not like we can slip meds into their milk.

Anymore.

What?

Hmm? I got to go. I g-got lots to do. Wait. Di... But I'm not go...

I don't want to go back in there.

Frond... (muttering quickly)

Teddy: So, what's the easiest step?

No steps. If I wanted to see steps, I'd go to a staircase.

Right.

Everyone's a dancer. You're probably dancing all day long, you don't even know it. There!

You just tugged up your pants to cover up your butt crack.

Now, that could be a move.

Okay, tug and wiggle, tug and wiggle. Right?

Tug and wiggle, tug and wiggle.

Now let's make your boom-boom jiggle. Come on.

(scatting)

(scatting)

There he is.

(gasp)

Look at you.

Bill Cosby's got nothing on me.

Hey, guys.

Hey, how was Home Ec?

Keep it goin', Teddy.

Tina: It was fun.

(whispers): Mr. Belcher totally lost control of the class.

Dad did great.

He broke down and cried quicker than any substitute teacher ever.

I didn't cry.

Well, the rumor that I started says otherwise.

I started a rumor you wear diapers.

But so far, no traction.

No, I heard that.

Yes!

Linda: Nah, just quit, Bob.

You always have a job at Bob's Burgers.

Yeah, that'll cheer him up.

No. You know what. I'm not gonna quit on those kids.

I just have to find a way to reach them.

(panting): Should I still be dancing? I'm having chest pains.

Keep goin'!

(grunts)

Bob: Sorry I was all up in your grill about cooking yesterday.

(chuckles)

Don't try to be our friend.

Um, all right, well, let's fire up Chester the Home Ec-ster Meets Dustin the Dusting Cowboy.

Those two are always gettin' into it.

Oh, anybody want some microwave popcorn to go with the movie?

Whoops, I ripped the bag.

(groans) Now we can't have popcorn! Idiot.

Hey, everybody, maybe there's another way to make popcorn.

He's trying to microwave without a microwave.

Mr. B.'s lost it.

God, he's lost it!

Let's see where he goes with this.

Oh, my God!

What's happening?!

We're cooking, Jocelyn.

That's what's happening.

What's cooking?

Aw, poop, he tricked us!

Or, aw, poop, he taught us.

It smells like real microwave popcorn.

Hey, who wants to make some kettle corn?

Me! Me! I do.

You rock, Mr. Belcher.

All right, Anthony.

Down low, too slow.

Oh. You got there in time.

(sighs).

Come on. There's a line?

That was a great class, Mr. Belcher.

Calm down, kiddo. Sorry, Zeke, I just got carried away.

Nah, we're cool and all but just shut up sometimes.

Right. Got it.

Shut it! Jimmy Jr., shut it!

Your dad's really cool.

He's married!

To a friend of mine!

What the heck happened here?

I'm not sure. I think Dad might be a great teacher.

Your dad rules! Hey, I don't appreciate your lack of sarcasm.

(sighs) There's a lot of competition for teacher's pet.

It's a real petting zoo in there.

Linda: And shake it and shake it and shake it and shake it and...

Aw, stop shakin' it. (grunting)

Whew.

Teddy, I'm gonna be frank, okay?

You got the moves but there's no fire.

(growls) I got no fire!

No, it's okay because weddings have firewater.

Firewater?

Yes.

What is firewater?

It's alcohol.

Right. Okay. It's been helpin' men dance at weddings since the beginning of time. Come on.

You chug-a-lug and cut a rug!

Well, I got to fix a roof later but this is important.

(guzzling)

Attaboy!

Will not be the first time I've fallen off a roof.

Hi, I was wondering if I could borrow an egg?

I'm Bob, the substitute Home Ec teacher.

Well, well, well, Mr. Bob the substitute Home Ec teacher comes into my kitchen and wants to borrow a egg.

If you don't have one, it's fine.

No, let's get you that egg.

Oh, thank you.

Here it is.

That's not an egg.

That's your middle finger.

If you don't want it sunny-side up, I can make it over easy.

Finger upside down, got it.

Want to see scrambled?

Jeez, it's a little aggressive down here.

I mean, aren't we on the same team?

We both work for the school.

I don't. I work for Caf-Co Food Services.

And Caf-Co has a strict policy against lending eggs to Bob.

All right, well, I'll find an egg someplace else, I guess.

(laughs)

Just messing with you.

Seriously, I've got a dozen over here on the shelf.

(chuckles) Jeez, you really had me going. (chuckling): I know.

Fu... That's funny.

Here you go. Here you go.

(sighs) Uh, I got it.

Here you go. Here you go.

You got a basket for these? Huh?

Yeah, no... I'm all set, thank...

Thank you. Thanks for your help.

All right. Take care, Bob.

Have a nice day. Yeah, you, too.

Can you believe that guy?

Substitute.

Okay, someone taste this soup and tell me what it needs.

Oh, look, he chose me.

Okay, fine, I'll do it.

Um... salt.

I know that because I pay attention in class, and I'm not texting like Jocelyn or late like Peter.

Uh, someone else?

Zeke, you want to try?

I don't need this stuff, Mr. B.

I ain't goin' to college.

Just try it, Zeke.

Nope! I can't do it.

Well, no...

Zeke.

No!

No one will laugh at you.

(groans)

All right. Might as well try to Zeke it up, I guess.

(slurps)

(smacking) Let's see what we got.

All right.

Uh, let's try some of this leafy stuff.

Some of these orange flakes that look like fish food.

(sniffing, groans)

Forget it, forget it.

Let's invite some of thisto the party!

Ooh, la, la.

Paprika? Eureka!

Get your ass in here, girl!

(laughing): Oh, man. (mutters) Oh, boy.

All right, I probably wrecked it.

It's... unbelievable.

Shut up.

It's amazing.

No. Zeke, you may have a perfect palate.

Do you know how rare that is?

Get out of my mouth, Mr. B.! Stop it!

Zeke, you can't run away from your gift! No! No! No!

I can teach you! Zeke, don't shut me out! (blowing raspberries)

You've got to... You've got give it a... Shut up! Shut up! Go to hell!

You've got to give it a chance, Zeke! Go to hell!

All right, I'll try it.

Just don't start something you can't finish, Mr. B.

I won't let you down, Zeke.

Anyhow, the soup wasn't perfect.

Tina put too much salt in it.

Go to hell, Zeke.

♪ La, la ♪ ♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪ ♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪ ♪ La, la ♪ ♪ La, la, la, la, la. ♪

(sniffs) Smells great.

Yeah, we should eat it right now.

Hey, you guys aren't in this class.

Please?

It smells so good.

We'll pay.

With our lunch money.

You guys, we're not a restaurant. Go away.

Well, wait, we could be.

No, we're not.

Well, that's the "Ec" of "Home Ec."

A-a restaurant.

Oh.

Yeah, a Home Ec-staurant.

Jocelyn, you can do your salads.

Yay, salad!

Peter, you can be our beverage guy.

What's a beverage?

Jimmy Jr., can you handle the money?

I have a calculator.

You do the math.

And for our head chef, the person who will wield the spatula... Tina?

Yes?

Can you hand this to Zeke?

(dramatic sting)

Hell, yes!

(grunts)

Tina, give it to him.

(groaning)

Come on, let go.

Tina, give him the spatula.

Let go, Tina.

(grunting)

Let go of it, Tina!

We want to eat!

Let go of it, Tina.

Give it to Zeke.

Give it to Zeke. Tina!

Where are all the food holes?

Huh?

The rest of the kids.

Maybe they're at the Home Ec-staurant?

The Home Ec-sta what?! Back up!

Home Ec-staurant.

Home Ec-sta what?!

Aah! I can't breathe.

Home Ec-sta what?!

Can't breathe! Aah!

You're useless! Useless!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Hildy's sorry.

Here, take an extra, uh, black and white bar.

(indistinct crowd chatter)

Yeah, we got a problem.

No, it's Hildy.

Look at us, we're packed.

Yeah, we're busier than a monkey with six dingalings! Order up!

Come on, Jocelyn, get your head out of your butt! Oh.

How am I doing on dishwashing, Mr. Belcher?

Good, Tina. Of course, kids are licking the plates clean, so it's kind of easy, right? No.

Yeah, if we're gonna keep up, we need more manpower.

No, no, no, no, no!

No! no...

You don't want me.

I'm a terrible employee!

Check my references!

And Gene's the one who trained me.

I didn't even listen.

Gene, you're a waiter, Louise, you're hostess.

We need to turn some tables! Fine!

Hello. How was everything?

Guess you didn't like it!

Ha, ha, just kidding.

So unless there's anything else, maybe you should go now.

Ga-up, up, up, up, up, up.

Drive safe. Thanks for coming.

Come again.

I got an open two-top here!

Give me a bald Kelly Ripa and a canoe with a brick!

Chicken taco, no sour cream, plus a brownie... you got it.

Really? I didn't even know what I meant.

I think I'm a great waiter!

I think I'm a great hostess!

Maybe we've always been great.

Yeah! And we've just been working in a sucky restaurant.

(sighs)

I guess I know where I belong.

Hi. I want to transfer into Metal Shop.

(deep, sinister voice): Come in.

Linda: Part of dancing is finding a partner, okay?

So go ask that guy to dance. Um...

Do it.

What if says no?

Make him say yes with your body.

With my body, right.

(laughs): Right, yeah.

No, I don't want to dance.

What about now?

(groaning)

Okay.

(groaning)

Hey, Bob, I made this guy say yes with my body. Great.

Enjoying yourself, sir?

Yeah, this is all right.

Hey, you're home from school early.

Well, I'm going back.

I'm just grabbing some plates for the second restaurant.

What second restaurant?

The home ec class.

Now it's a home ec-staurant.

Lin, this teaching thing is unbelievable.

I'm changing kids' lives!

Me, too! I feel exactly the same!

I changed Teddy's life!

Bob: Um, uh, I don't know if we're feeling quite the same thing, Lin.

I mean Teddy's one life, and he's old.

Not that it's a competition.

No, of course not, but, uh...

I bet none of your students can do this.

Come on, lift that guy up.

Lift him up.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

(grunting)

See that?

(whimpering)

I got him up!

He's up.

I'm gonna spin! Light!

Light! Light! Light!

Kevin, are those new pants?

Cindy, Ray, are you two back together?

So happy.

Hey, Paul, when's the cast coming off?

Stop using those crutches as a crutch. (laughs)

David, come here. Sorry about your parents' divorce.

It's not your fault.

I love you, man.

Donald, the rat tail... it's coming back!

Okay, I'm going to the bathroom now.

I'm going to stop talking.

(sighs, liquid pouring, footsteps)

Aah!

I didn't mean to startle you.

Just wanted to check in with the new lunch lady.

I-I'm not a lunch lady.

You sell lunches to kids, you got a little mustache.

Occupied!

Well, I-I should probably get back to my classroom.

Not so fast.

Wash your hands.

That's disgusting.

Oh, yeah, you kind of threw me off my routine.

Wash up.

I prefer to do it myself.

You got to get in there.

Can you not wash my hands?

Hotter water. I got to get hotter water on this.

You're hurting me.

That's really hot.

Ow! Oh! Oh, God!

Oh, God... Ah.

Now that you're all cleaned up, there's someone who wants to talk to you.

Get in the back.

"Get in the back"?

Lift the thing on the side, the seat slides forward.

Crawl under the seat belt. I'll hold it up.

Okay, um...

Hello. I'm Mr. Platt.

"Michael Mauermann."

Mr. Mauermann retired.

My cards aren't ready yet.

Trust me, they'll look quite similar.

"Caf-Co Food Services."

Bob, we have an exclusive contract that you are in violation thereof.

Come on, your big corporation has a problem with kids making food for other kids?

Definitely.

If it's bigger than a bake sale, they call Michael Mauermann, and they reach me because I have his number now, and I shut it down.

Well, I was hired by Mr. Frond, so, take it up with him.

Oh. I already have.

(car door opens)

Sorry I'm late.

I thought we were meeting in that hatchback over there.

Hmm. Bob, could you please...?

(scoffs)

Make a little room.

Could you...?

Yeah. Yup. Yes.

And I'm not gonna sit on the hump!

Can you be polite, Bob?

Just move over.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, I don't want to sit on your lap, so...

Uh... I don't want you to, either.

Bob, the administration is siding with Caf-Co.

You are to close the Home Ec-staurant, and go back to movies, or you're fired.

No. I-I won't do it to the kids.

Then out you go!

(grunting) What are you doing?

Open the door so I can push him out, Mr. Frond. Can you not do that?

I mean, I can just curl up in the seat here and let him go by.

Well, if you would shimmy forward, now, now...

You know, all you need to do is move.

You're pushing my neck.

I-I want to push you out.

You're... Stop pushing me.

I'll just get out.

And here it comes.

Got you. Ha, ha!

No, you didn't.

Well, yes, I did.

I pushed you out, and you're fired.

So, double burn on you.

I got out on my own.

Well, then, uh... you're rehired.

Get back in the car.

No. I'm not falling for that.

No, just... just sit down on the edge of the seat here.

No, I'm walking away now.

Thank you. You...

(goofy singing)

Now you.

Not bad, Lin, but what about...

♪ Baba, bada, ba-ba, ba-bada-bup. ♪

Yeah, that's okay, Teddy, for people who can't do this, and thisand that and thatand that!

Maybe you were thinking of this!

Ooh, ah, ooh-ooh, ah!

Ow, my face!

Oh, my God, Lin!

(groaning)

Aah!

This was a bad idea.

I should never dance.

I should never dance!

No, Teddy. This is what dancing's all about.

Not holding back, taking chances!

Yeah, sometimes people get hit in the mouth. So what?

You're not... you're not mad?

Mad? Teddy, I'm as proud as can be.

I got nothing more to teach you.

The only thing left to do now is... Kiss?

No! What? No! Dance.

Dance out that door.

It's your graduation.

♪ Teddy knows how to dance now ♪ ♪ He is ready for the wedding. ♪

Come on, get out the door, move it.

♪ Get out of the restaurant ♪ Aah! ♪ ♪ I want you to leave now. ♪ ♪

♪ Ah, ooh-ooh, ah! ♪ ♪ When your underpants are streaky and your socks ♪ ♪ Are smelling freaky, get some bleach. ♪

(groans)

Oh, uh, sorry.

I, uh... I just need to get a couple things.

(gasps)

It's Mr. B!

Save us, please!

We don't want to watch movies, Mr. Belcher! We want you!

Yeah, we want to, like, cook stuff! We miss you.

Look, kids, I'm sorry.

This-this wasn't my idea. I...

Come on, Mr. Belcher, you got to stay.

Come on!

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay, okay, children, children.

Okay, everyone, hush.

Watch the movie.

Wait.

Mr. B.

(gasps)

Stop it!

That's a huge waste of popcorn.

(bags tearing)

Get out, Bob!

Caf-Co won. You're done.

Meat is done, not people!

I just felt a little tingly there when you said that.

Listen, we can't win this war, but maybe we can go out cooking.

What if we serve this school one more lunch?

The Home Ec-staurant is closed!

Everyone's already down in the cafeteria anyway. It's over.

Yeah, they are, so we go to them.

Let's get this chow-wagon rollin' to Mouth Town, everyone!

I'm telling Mr. Platt.

What do we make, Mr. Belcher?

Burgers!

Burgers, really?

Wait. That...

We don't want burgers?

No! No, no, no!

That's good. That's fine.

I thought burg...

Okay, well, we could...

No, sounds like you're married to burgers, so...

Burgers! Thought I heard "braised lamb shank" is all.

Gene: Great, after I bought all those gift certificates!

Well, I can't go back to my old job.

I burned a lot of bridges there!

To the cafeteria!

Gene, Louise, hop on!

Louise: Okay.

Gene: All right.

It's the mobile Home Ec-staurant.

Tina, how are we fixed on dishes?

Tina? Where's Tina?

She transferred to Metal Shop, because her home ec teacher was treating her like day-old bread.

Tina transferred?

Oh, my God, I-I didn't even realize she was gone.

Wait. Everybody stop.

Which way is Metal Shop?

(metallic clinking, whirring)

Look, I welded a piece of metal to a piece of metal.

Hi. I'm Tina.

Tina!

Hello, Mr. Belcher.

What are you doing here?

Really cool things with metal.

At least I'm teacher's pet somewhere.

No, that's Jeremy. Oh.

Tina, I'm sorry I didn't pay enough attention to you.

I-I've never taught a class before.

I didn't know how to treat my own kid.

I wanted to be your favorite student, not Zeke.

But you're already my favorite... eldest daughter.

I can't do anything right!

Come with us, Tina.

We're gonna serve one last lunch, and we need you.

To wash dishes?

Yes! But you can also do prep.

Okay.

Bye, everyone.

Bye, Jeremy.

(Tina panting)

There they are.

Nice try, Bob, but your little food cart escapade is over.

Don't listen to him, kids.

Keep pushing.

We need speed.

Gene, get off.

I just got comfortable.

Get off your cushion, and do some pushin'!

(Gene grunting)

Stop!

Ramming speed!

Oh, goodness, I am jumping out of the way. Aah!

(clinking)

Oh, God, it's collapsing.

I have something we can use... metal.

The Home Ec-staurant is back in business.

Louise: Come and get it, Wagstaff!

(cheering and whoopi We got burgers!

And tomatoes and onions that I chopped, because I'm in charge of prep.

Joceyln's doing it, too, but I'm more in charge than her.

No, you're not.

Yeah, he said that I was.

Mr. Platt: No. No, don't eat that!

Eat that!

We need that money!

You... You, stop chewing!

Hildy, get that food out of his mouth!

All of you, eat the cafeteria lunch!

Ah... forget it.

Hildy, let's go get drunk.

What do you mean, "Get drunk"?

Yay! We did it, Mr. B!

This will always be remembered, till people forget.

By the way, you guys are all getting an A. (gasps)

Oh, yeah!

Yeahh Except for Tina.

Yay...! Oh.

A plus.

Thanks, Mr. Belcher.

It's a pass-fail class.

Oh, okay. Uh, pass plus.

Hey, you want to take a break and get something to eat?

Belcher party of two, your server will be right with you.

Hi. How's, uh, everybody's day so far?

Getting better.

Fantastic.

I'll be back with some waters and tell you about our specials.

I could really use someone like him back at the restaurant.

Ooh, ah. Ooh, ah.

I'm dancing so high!

I'm dancing so high!

Someone get in here with me!

Someone get in... Oh.

Oh, God. Oh, no.

(retches)

(zippering)

Do not come in here!

Nobody come in here.

Someone threw up in the bounce house.

Kids, kids, kids, you can't go in the bounce house.

Someone threw up in there.

I don't know.

I don't what happened.

I don't know what...

Who wants to dance?