The Archer Sanction

1 Lana: I dunno, it just feels weird. Archer: That's just the altitude, dummy. Lana: I'm talking about the-- Archer: Try popping your ears, go like this Mawp, mawp, mawp, mawwwwwwp! Goddammit, it's not my ears! What? Sorry, my ears won't pop. [Sighs] Ray, did you bring gum? No. Well great, trip's ruined. Sorry, Ray forgot to bring gum-- I'm talking about the fact that we're about to climb a Swiss goddamn frickin Alp to assassinate somebody! The target's an assassin, Lana, not a king, or a pope, or a-- vice-pope. So it's not assassination. It's just a extrajudicial killing. And that makes it better. Yes, Lana, that's why they made up a whole different word for it. And the CIA told mother the target has killed judges and prosecutors and bankers and generals all over the world, so God knows how many actual assassinations we'll be preventing. And of course your mother would do anything to impress the CIA. - So - Oh my God! You have to try this! Hot cocoa, dark creme de cacao, hint of creme de menthe, and peppermint schnapps. I call it a Peppermint Patty. Here. Wow, that is your major loss. Ooh, can I try it? No. How hard is it to remember gum? [Sighs] Okay, so tonight we infiltrate this swanky climbing party. Then tomorrow we extra-judicially kill this guy. Yeah, or woman. Wait, what? Excuse me? We kill whoever it is. You don't know who the target is? I mean Ugh, God dammit. And since you obviously didn't read the mission dossier-- For your information, Lana I skimmed it. And bully for you. Give it here. Ah. God dammit! Where the hell is it? I assume on the back of my toilet. What, Lana? Look at all the shit I had to pack. I don't know what people are gonna be wearing for apres-montee! S-- And Ray didn't bring the gum! [Groans] Ah. Witch Just like every car trip I ever took with mom and daddy. Only I'm not getting whipped with a fan belt. Lana, wait! I just remembered a crucial detail about the target. I made a mental note of it at the time. Oh! Oh, my And you must be our late reservations. Good to see some fellow Americans. I'm your guide, Crash McCarran. Is-- um I thought there were three of you. One of us is weeping in the car. Oh. Uh, okay, well, come on in and meet the rest of the climbing party. That's Hans Hessler, from Germany. Guten Abend. Mario Savino, from Italy Buonasera. And Michiko Ishikawa, from Japan. Konbanwa. We're just heading into the bar for some gluhwein. Why don't you join us when you're ready? Well? What's this "crucial detail" you remembered about the target? The target was from a country that in World War Two, was an Axis power. [Sighs] Ray forgot the gum. So how'd you get the name Crash? Oh, it's a long story about me saving the lives of eight other climbers right after an avalanche. Sploosh. Sploosh. Sorry? Is I bet the sound an avalanche makes. Uh, no, it's more like a freight train full of tornadoes, which are in turn full of smaller freight trains. Which are in turn full of shit. Sorry? She just had a baby. Ya know I didn't. Okay, well, we've got an extremely difficult climb tomorrow, guys, so you might wanna take it easy on the [Slurp] C'mon, if you've climbed it how hard can it be? [Annoyed sigh] [Crash] Die Totenspitz For those of you who don't speak German, that means Herr Hessler? Ze peak of death. Fifteen thousand feet of some of the most dangerous climbing in all of Europe. Unstable seracs, frequent avalanches, and hundreds of crevasses that can swallow entire climbing parties in a split-second. One in every seven climbers who has dared to climb die Totenspitz has paid with his life. So yes, she's earned her name, alri -- [Slurping] [Annoyed sigh] Okay people, I want a good alpine start tomorrow, so pack your gear and get some sleep. We head out at dawn. And that's A. M. ? As opposed to? P. M. dawn? Set adrift on memory bliss. Come on, buddy. The mountain is dangerous Very dangerous So you should watch your step. Okay, great climb, everybody! Yaaaaaaay So, instead of antagonizing the person responsible for our safety-- What, shamelessly flirt with him? Was it obvious? Maybe call Malory on the sat-phone, and find out who the damn target is! One step ahead of you! May I please have the sat-phone? Rrrgh It's mother's fault anyway, Lana, you're obviously the one she should've -- [Malory] What? Mother-- Hey, it's me, quick question -- [Malory] Let me guess -- Oh, how's A. J. ? Because if the rash came back, what she needs to -- Shut up, please? Although actually yes, how is A. J. ? [Malory] That's why you called? Uh, no, actually I'm calling because -- [Mallory] You haven't the foggiest idea what it is you're supposed to be doing. Ugh, I know what, mother, I just don't know-- [Malory] Let me speak to Lana. Who? [Malory] Lana! No, I meant -- [Malory] Sterling, let me speak to-- No! Because you're gonna tell her she's agent-in-command, so that when she's not pathetically trying to make me jealous by hitting on this idiot beard-face sweater-model, she's gonna lord it over me and Ray, who, by the way, forgot to bring gum! [Malory] Are you finished? Yes. [Malory] Good, because [Operator] The voice mailbox of Elaborate voicemail hoax is full. Goodbye. [Dial tone] Huh. I guess you had that coming. Wh-? How so? Gimme that And if I wanted to make you jealous-- [Carol] What? Shut up. Let me talk to Malory. [Carol] Make me, and also hang on. What the stupid shit are you doing? You said you wanted watermelon! Watermelon's red? Wh-? Yes! How do you not know that? Who am I, Charles Fedric Adrus? [Clears throat] She didn't come in today. [Lana] Well where is she? Well, I assume somewhere else. It's like [Krieger] Yeah, right? Ya find it? No Find what? Nothing. Just don't make any sudden movements. Bowel or otherwise. Wh-? Why would we make a sudden bowel movement? Don't worry about it. Rrgh! No answer at home, no answer on her cell! So not only do we not know who the target is, now your mother has absconded with my child! Yes, but on the plus side, there are seven of us, so if one out of seven climbers dies on this mountain maybe we'll get lucky. Yeah, maybe it'll be you. No, not me, dummy, I meant-- oh, I get it. I see what you did there. Really? Yes. [Lana] C'mon, c'mon Pick up, pick up, pick up-- [Pam] Mmblello? Oh thank God, you're still at the office. I am? Aw, maaan [Lana] Pam, I need you to find-- Yaagh! [Lana] Pam! What? Goddammit! [Lana] I need you to-- Shut up! [Lana] --And listen! I need you to check Malory's apartment for me. [Crash] All right, pick it up, people! The weather's good now but it can change on a dime! Michiko, right there, that's your line. Now, stay on it, and work across toward the ridge. [Winded] Hai, okay. Looking good guys, looking real good! Oh, this old thing? It's just -- Keep walking. Uh-huh. Yep. Sat-phone? Yeah, sorry, I was just-- Keep it handy. I'm getting a majorly weird vibe from um-- from one of the other climbers. Oh, yeah, no, just tell him you're not interested. No, not him, one of the others. Yeah what's up, what're we doing? Uh, besides jeopardizing the entire rope line by being out of position? Yes, obviously besides that. Crash has a bad feeling about one of the other climbers. Oh, he's harmless, just tell him-- Not Ray. One of the others. Aha. And also ah-who? Well, look, maybe it's nothing, but-- Get down! You're not my supervi--! Oh, no! Hang on! Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Hang on! I got a key, ya skimpnuts. Oh yeah, me, too. Why do you have keys to her apartment? Ron gave them to us, when they were doing that weird open-house thing. Open marriage. Oh. Well that explains that You both had sex with hopefully Ron? Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. But I just wanna say, breaking into Ms. Archer's apartment to hopefully find a crying baby clinging to her dead and shriveled body is the best birthday present I've ever gotten. [Belches] Except for that Formula One team. Dibs on snacks. Looks like Pam's lucky night because of the snacks, ya dickholes! Although Michiko! Michikooooo! I can't see her! There's a ledge! Hang on, I'm coming! Do not move! Don't move! Everybody stay put, keep the weight spread out! I'm gonna clip on, abseil down on a v-thread, and try to reach her! I'm gonna blip blorp, blobba-do dob onna beep borp, check out mah beard! Little jealous? Little bit, yeah. No no no, damn it! Guys, be ready to pull on my command! And we gotta hurry. A storm's coming! Um, should somebody call the Ghostbusters? Okay, here goes! And pull on my command! So, will your feelings be super-hurt if I bang him? [Gillette] Yes! [Cyril] No, nothing in the study. Krieger, how about the other guest bedroom? [Krieger] No, nothing. [Cyril] No sign of Ms. Archer or the baby Pam, how about in the kitchen? Pam? [Pam] [Mouth full] No, nothing. [Cyril] Wh-? You better be eating snacks! [Pam] Ew! [Krieger] Wait, yeah, where is Carol? [Carol] Growrrrf! Oh, God, somebody kill me. We thought you threw up. Ew. Ew. What're you-- Is that a radish? And literally the most fattening thing in the entire goddamn fridge. No wonder she's so frickin skinny. [Muffled] Everything else is in plastic bags. What was that? Don't worry about it. [Crash] Okay, ready? [All] Ready! [Crash] Pull! [Crash] Okay, okay! Ease up, ease up Was?! Wo ist Michiko?! She's dead. Gott im Himmel Dio mio The fall must've broken her neck. Oh, my God Well, now, that could be very good for us. Japan? Axis power? Okay people, listen up! We've got a blizzard rolling in on us right now! [Crash] There's no time to descend! We've gotta bivouac right here, right now! C'mon, people, let's move! B-but, what about Michiko?! You mean her body. But-- She's dead, but we're alive! And you never let the dead jeopardize the entire party! Now, you would know that if you were an experienced climber like you said you were! You think it's Hessler? Axis power Germany Axis power Italy [Inhales] Then yeah, I dunno. Goddammit. Okay, listen up, people! Now, we've only got two bivvy tents! Ta-daaa! And two bivvy sacks! But that's okay, because it's gonna hit 70 below, so if we wanna live, we're gonna have to combine our body heat. Wait, do huh? So what we're gonna do is strip down naked. We're gonna go three to a tent, three to a bag! And I actually have some thoughts on that, who-should-go-where-wise! We go wiss him! Americans go zair! Well, now, let's just hear him out at least! (Chuckling) As if No, she was totally in there. Hurry up, dammit! Get in your tent, huddle up, and hang on tight! The wind's probably gonna hit a hundred miles -- [Ray] Shut the goddamn door! [Lana] What're you -- zip it up! [Archer] I am, obviously! If you'd shut up! [Lana] Wh-?! Nooope! [Archer] What? [Lana] I am not ridin' bitch in this tent! [Archer] You have to! It's the only way to keep Ray's genitals away from mine! [Ray] Oh, as if! [Lana] Uh-uh, no. No. Ray is the DMZ. [Archer] [Annoyed sigh] Goddammit Oh, please, I oughta be worried about your dirty old junk touching mine Ray, if I ever have sex with a man, it'll be a man who remembers the gum. And, not that it matters, also black. [Archer] [Winded, muffled] Eat a dick, blizzard. Can you see anything? Besides snow? Yes, Archer, besides snow. Hang on Hang on No. Well, now nobody's answering their damn phones. I tried Cyril, Pam, Cheryl, now I'm even trying Krieger! Where the hell is everybody? [Ringtone] Teutonic butts teutonic butts white on white butts white on white butts [continuing] [Vomiting] Seriously, I swear to God, somebody please come in here and kill me I would if I had the strength, dick! [Cyril] What'd I do? You poisoned us! With that stupid ceviche nobody asked you to bring! [Cyril] You asked me to bring it! I didn't know what ceviche was! Uh, hey guys? What do you want? What is it? I don't think it was the ceviche Huh. [Lana] What, can you see something? Uh yeah. Well? You wanna share it with the rest of the-- Jesus Christ! [Lana] [Shocked whisper] That's Hessler and Savino [Archer] Who I think just did our job for us, because we are out of Axis powers. [Crash] Mornin', gang! Who's ready for a piping hot cup of fair-trade practices? What the hell happened to them? Hypothermia. No shit, they're naked in the snow! It's called paradoxical undressing. You see it sometimes with severe hypothermia. The poor bastards rip off all their clothes and run out into the snow. With belts on their necks? [Coughs] What's that? Oh. Yeah, man, that hypothermia make ya do some pretty crazy shit. But-- Irish bastard! What? What's that? McCarran! That's an Irish name! Uh, yeah, Scotch-Irish, but I'm actually Canadian -- Save the blarney for the Colleens, Paddy! What? Archer, what're you -- He's the target! What? I just remembered, from the dossier! Patrick McCarran, mountain climbing enthusiast, slash assassin! Okay, first of all Lana! Lana! Yeah, that's true. Although I prefer the term "cleaner" to "assassin. " Well that's just smart branding. And I'm actually Canadian, not Irish. As is that. Those jagoffs and the Japanese broad were from Interpol. They've been on me for months, but obviously didn't know I was on to them. I sent her down into that crevasse, then went down in there and broke her neck for her. Those two, well that's kinda self-explanatory. They died in your arms Hang on-- Lana, hush. Yeah, shut up. I thought you three were just some idiot wannabe tourists, but now can I assume you're CIA? No! You know what, Patty? Hang on! Lana, I said shut up. I said shut up. And I said hang the frickin shit on! Okay, God So where did you get Axis power! Ireland? Again, I'm actually Canadian. And Ireland was not an Axis power! You sure? They were neutral! You asshole! Oh, that's right. (Chuckling) Gaping asshole. Because I dunno what your plan was with that gun, but there's about four feet of new wet snow on top of the ice crust, so if you fire that thing, I guarantee you it's gonna trigger an avalanche. Well Paddy, if there's one thing I've learned Wait, wait, Archer? It's that there's no guarantees in this crazy world. No, no, no-- I-- that-- you-- the-- that-- I believe the phrase you're searching for is "Thank you, Archer. That was--" [Ground rumbling] What's that sound? What was that? It's an avalanche! You you And I believe the phrase you're searching for is Holy shit, is that really an-- [Archer] Avalanche! Whoo-hoo! [Phone ringing] And exactly what are you doing with those bags? I don't live on the sidewalk, you mope. Take them upstairs. [Lana] Where the hell is A. J. ? With me, she's fine. I was having my apartment bug-bombed, so I took her to the Plaza. I'll call you back. [Phone beeps] And what fresh hell is this? [Lana] Can you believe that shit? Absconds with my child and she'll call me back? No, seriously, I mean can you believe that shit? [Archer] Can you believe this other shit? Peppermint patties! Still warm! Plenty more where that came fr-- How could you possibly be that excited to be in a frickin avalanche? I have kind of a weird bucket list. Number three, bang Joe Frazier. [Sigh] Really regret sharing that with you So, you think Crash is dead, or? I mean, he'd have to be, right? And either way I say we say he's dead. [Mumbled agreement] Yeah, right? Seems like a win-win. Unless you're him or the other three. But seriously, how in the hell did you think Ireland was an Axis power? [Chuckling] Oh, my God, I think this whole time I was actually thinking of Romania but only as an inevitable consequence of the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact and the Soviet invasion of Bessarabia.