Home Away from Homer

Announcer: You're listening to Nationwide Public Radio. It's now 2:00. Time for Verbal Tea, with Amy Levine-Gonzalez. Oh, boy! This is what sunny Sunday afternoons are for. Woman: Today, we'll discuss a dying form of Peruvian banjo music, with Dartmouth banjologist, Stefan Whitmore. (PLAYING) It's just... It's not that good. In our second hour, humorist David Sedaris takes a wry look at overcrowding in America's prisons. Prison overcrowding? I've got a solution for that. (MIMICKING MACHINE GUN) (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! (MIMICS AMBULANCE SIREN) U-S-A! U-S-A! But, first, we're giving away tickets to the latest film by acclaimed director Mladzieul Klernt. (GASPS) Her films are so lyrical. The phone lines are gonna be jammed. Winner of the Romanian Film Festival's prestigious Golden Bucket... Holy crap! Someone's actually calling! (MEOWING) (HUMMING) Hmm. Hey! I won four free movie tickets and it starts in half an hour! Free movie tickets? I feel like Roger Ebert or his kiss-ass new partner. But we don't have a sitter for Maggie. She'll be fine here under the watchful eye of Grandma Shark Week. (ROARS) A TV shark is not a babysitter. Homer: How about this guy? Ha! Homer! (NED HUMMING) Howdy, Homer. You here for a viewing of my shampooing? Shut up, Flanders. I need a favor. Would you mind watching Maggie for a while? It would only be until later. Sorry, but I promised to rewind videotapes for the poor. Come on, Flanders. Doesn't that Bible of yours say to love thy neighbor? Why won't you love me? All right, neighbor. I'll babysit. Thanks, Ned. You wear a bathing suit in the bathtub? Yeah, so I can't see my own shrinky-dink. Makes sense. (AIR WHOOSHING) Instead of video games, they have weird, free newspapers. Hmm. Mom, am I "butch" or a "fem"? Honey, you can be anything you wanna be. Ha! This theater sucks. My seat's uncomfortable. The screen's only half a screen, And that guy's eating an apple. Would you care for a segment? Yes. (MUSIC PLAYING) (SPEAKING ALBANIAN) What language is this? Gibby-Gabby? It's Albanian, but the producers added subtitles to make it commercial. Mom, I don't wanna read. It's the weekend. (GROANS) I've had enough. I'm leaving. (GRUNTS) (SQUEAKING) Oh, I'm stuck! Why did I eat that apple segment? Oh, oh, oh. Sorry, Maggie. That's something to collect, not enjoy. It's one of my Humble Figurines. He scampered out of Parade Magazine and into my knickknack nook, and, well, his little buddies soon followed. You like them, huh? Come on, I'll show you the other 300. (GASPS) How could this have... Oh. (SIGHS) I feel so much empathy for those villagers. They had to drink their own tears. I was so bored, I cut the ponytail. Off the guy sitting in front of us. "Look at me. I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old, "and I made $600 last year." Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice. Judas-bear, you're not touching your Last Supper. I can't eat because my conscience is heavy. Boys, enough of your shenanigans. It's bedtime. Both: Mmm! Ned, let me give you a little something for babysitting. I can't take money from a neighbor. Although business at the Leftorium's been pretty slow since that big chain store came to town. (SIGHS) You've got a big house, Ned. If you need extra money, why don't you rent out a room? Well, it might be fun to be a landlord... Land fella. There's only one Lord. I need a place to crash while my mom's drying out. Well, I'd love to help you out, but you do have to be over 18. I am. Check out my ID. Wait, this is my license. No, it's not, you hump. (RAVING) Well, I do appreciate that you've got a cashier's check. Now, do you have any pets? (RAVING) (GASPS) I am Katja and this is Vicki. We make much study at community college. We're, like, here about the room. We moved out of our dorm. Because it was, like, co-ed. Sometimes we saw (GASPS) the boys in their robes. You poor thing. Now, I've heard about those robes. Flapping everywhere. Girls, welcome to your very own Ned and Breakfast. Silly talk means "yes"? (BOTH GIGGLE) Here's your room, ladies. You can catch some z's while you earn those degrees. You rhyme like Snoopy-Dogg. Well, thank you. I know what we can ask Jeeves. Why does he suck? Hey! A banner ad! Sexyslumberparty.com? It's flashing. We better click it. (BOTH GIGGLING) Katja, do you think anyone's watching? If they are, they will see us explore our sexhood without restraint. Hey, this is one of those dirty websites. Two girls? Who would want that? (KNOCK ON DOOR) (BOTH GASP) You may inside come. I got phi beta cappuccinos for Ned's pre-meds. Both: Flanders? That's odd. I could've sworn I just heard someone shriek my name. Bart: You heard nothing! That's better. (GIRLS GIGGLING) (LAUGHS) Spank me again with little boy's picture. (BOTH LAUGHING) What are you kids laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying. (GASPS) Scantily clad co-eds? Why, you little... (GRUNTS) (GAGS) To have a libido... Dad, look who's in there. (GASPS) Flanders? (GURGLING) He doesn't even know what's going on! Wait'll I tell everyone about this. I'll feel important without drinking. That'll be weird. Homer: What a combination. Hot chicks and stupid Flanders. (BOTH GIGGLING) And you say Mr. Flanders remains completely ignorant of their dot-Kama-sutra? Yup, and nobody's telling him. Not even his good buddy, God! Boy, nothing is sexier than still photos in a girlie magazine. Whoa! Sensual, isn't it? And the best part is, Stupid Flanders doesn't even know it's happening in his stupid house. Hence my nickname, Stupid Flanders. (HOMER LAUGHS) (CHURCH MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, Moses. Are you a loser? "Yes, I am, Homer." (DOOR OPENS) (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) How are those two comely boarders of yours, Ned? Well, Mel, they're swell. Oh, yeah. They're just what my laptop needed. (GIRLS GIGGLING) Son, I need to pee, but I can't stop watching. Fetch me a bottle. Come on, Dad. I've seen you hit the toilet from here. What are you two doing? (GASPS) Uh... We're watching the latest photos from Mars. Ho-ho! Great stuff. Worth every billion. GASPS) Bart, turn away from that screen and look out the window! No problemo. (BOTH GIGGLING) (GASPS) It's happening in Ned's house! Why would he allow that? Well, that's obvious. He doesn't even know. (GRUNTS) (GROANS) Come on. You tell him right now. Ned, Homer has something to tell you. (GROANS) Uh... I'm thinking about getting a yogurt franchise. It's called Plops. It's... (SCREAMS) You know what I mean. (MOANS) Okay. Flanders, you see... You soft-core sophomores took advantage of my trustful nature and sold to the lnternet by putting pornography on it! (Ned) Get out! (BOTH GASP) (ALL CHEERING) The whole town is laughing at me behind my back. (SIGHS) I guess you're the only real friend I have. Are you kidding me? Homer's the one what wised us up to the sexy goings-on. Homer, is this true? Ned, I had no choice. It was just so funny. The Bible says, "Cast your bread upon the waters." But all I got was a bunch of soggy bread. Mmm. Soggy... Don't say it, Homer! This is not the time! ...bread. Mmm. What's wrong, Daddy? Well, Toddy, you know how I said our friends are like the Canaanites? Today I realized they're more like the Midianites. (BOTH GASP) (SIGHS) I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear that only exists in the brains of us Republicans. "Made in Humbleton, PA." I don't usually make big life decisions based on things stamped on things that I bought at a garage sale, But corn dog it, boys, it's time for a change! (BOTH EXCLAIM) Dad, I don't think you realize what you've done. You've totally humiliated the best friend the Simpsons ever had. You're right. But you know who the real victim is here? Ned. That's what we've been trying to tell you! Oh, yeah. What's this? "Goodbye, Springfield"? (Ned) "The Flanders family has pulled up stakes. "You have laughed at us for the last-diddly-ast time." "Last-diddly-ast"? (WAILING) He's gone! And it's all someone's fault! Well, Homer, you've driven away the best neighbor a family could ever want. But at least we have a chance to start fresh. So let's be on our best behavior, okay? Don't worry, Marge. I've taken every precaution. This is so humiliating. Well, at least your name's on the bowl. Hmm. (GROWLING) (BOTH GROWLING) I submit! I submit! Hmm. (DOOR BELL RINGS) Hi, I'm Homer Simpson. I live next door. So, is that your whistle? Damn straight. Clay Roberts. I coach wrestling, so everybody calls me Coach. Listen, neighboreeno, I want to start our relationship off on the right foot, so if you need anything, anything at all... What jag-off left this here? (GASPS) (BOTH LAUGHING) (TUBA PLAYING) (BARKING) Boys, we're home. (MARGE HUMMING) (SINGING) Kick it (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) (WAILING) That's coming from next door! Don't worry, I'll straighten things out with Coach Clay. We're good buddies. We play this game called "Who can punch the softest?" And he always lets me win. Hey, Coach, do you mind turning down the music? My baby's trying to take a nap. That's too bad because my twins are just waking up, dude. Encourage me. Looking good. Feel the burn. Louder! You're a god! I can't think of anymore. Just say, "Go, 90, 90!" Go, go, go! Say it like you mean it, you wuss! Howdy, Humbletonian. Picnics and Pixy Stix! I'll see your smile and raise you a wink and a giggle. This town is sweeter than a cake made of pie. Even the dogs curb themselves. Everyone new begins here, in the dimple department. (Ned) (GASPS) Can I start yesterday? There is one personal matter. I'm afraid you'll have to lose the hippie lip. (GASPS) Get rid of Dr. Fuzzenstein? Why, I couldn't dream of thinking about considering. (SIGHS) I'll see what I can do. Very good. Until then, you can wear this. (GRUNTS) (MOANS) Daddy, why do you have to shave your nose-neighbor? You know what? I'm not gonna. My moustache has the right to life. It's my body and my choice! (SINGING) Bad Company. I can't deny (ALL GASP) Bad, bad company. Until the day I die. Oh, yeah Until the day I die. Ooh This is for you. (MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) Announcer: Tonight on "Celebrity Chop Shop," we sell the parts off Jason Bateman's Bentley. What did you do to my car? Dude, you've been chop shopped! Why would you do that? How am I gonna get home? Chop shop! Chop shop! (ZAPPING) Huh? (GASPS) Hey! You knocked out my power. How am I supposed to eat without watching TV? Yeah. Something tells me you won't starve, huh? (GROANS) Huh, chief? When are you gonna stop poking me? Will it be soon? Relax, dumbass. By the way. I borrowed some gas from your car, you dumb-ass! But I siphoned that gas from Flanders. Flanders. What are you doing, reminiscing? Like a woman? Like a woman who's made the biggest mistake of her life! (WAILS) (MUSIC PLAYING) (KNOCK ON DOOR) (GRUNTS) (GASPS) Homer? What are you doing here? I was just driving around the Mid-Atlantic states, ringing doorbells at random. And I just... (WAILING) Who am I fooling with my awesome lies? I want you to come back to Springfield! Why? So you can make me a laughingstock again? No. I want to make you a respecting-stock. I don't know if you've noticed. But I borrowed a lot of your stuff over the years. Well, that is true. In fact... Shut up, Flanders. But some things I could never take from you. Your kindness, your gentle spirit, and your infinite patience with a big, dumb jerk like me. Ned, I don't deserve you as a neighbor, but will you forgive a young, handsome fool and come home? Homer, that's really touching. But my boys and I are trying to make a new start, and people here are a little bit more my cup of... (INDISTINCT TALKING) Are there letters to pick up or no letters to pick up? I can't tell and I'm looking right at it. Ooh, that tears it! Boys, put on your goody two-shoes. We're moving back to Springfield! But I have a girlfriend. Now you've got a pen-pal. Yay! So you see, Mr. Roberts, I really would like my house back. Really? Well, that's too bad because I'm not leaving. See, I like this place, and I've already got fatso, here, broken in. Ain't that right, fatso? Huh? (GRUNTS) Yeah. lam a little pudgy. You got me. Yeah. Now, Coach, I've tried to be Christian and respectful. But I guess I'm just gonna have to point out your $200,000 check bounced. Legally, I still own this house. Yeah? Tell it to the Marines! (BOTH GRUNTING) (GROANS) Okay! Okay, I give. Ow! (GRUNTS) Ow! Why did you do that? I was begging for mercy! I saw my advantage and I took it. That's what heroes do. Okay, Ned. Get ready for your welcome home surprise! (GASPS) Homer, did you steal the organ from the church? Maybe. We don't know that for sure. Well, you gotta take it back. After the party. (PLAYING) It sure is great to look down my nose at everybody again. Mind if I waggle my finger a little bit? Go nuts. Flanders? Okay, that's it. It's really irritating! (GRUNTS) Read more at: http://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewtopic.php?f=431&t=22215