I Honestly Love You (No, Not You)

Lola and Hannah are at the top of a mountain in the snow, skiing.

LOLA This is so cool! First we get flown to a film festival, and now they shut down the whole mountain celebs and their peeps. Eeep, I love being a peep!

HANNAH OK, new rule. No rhymes! Hey, here comes Ryan Scheckler.

LOLA How do you know?

HANNAH The helmet and googles cannot hide his powdy lips. Look at him!

LOLA Nope, nope, sorry, now that I am with Oliver my heart only skips for one cutie's lips.

HANNAH OK, now you rhymed and made me sick, all at the same time.

LOLA Hey, you're just jealous 'cause I got the coolest guy on the mountain!

Mike comes hopping over.

MIKE Hey, ski bunny! (he trips over and screams in a high-pitched tone) Argh! Argh! Snow in my pants!

HANNAH Yep. He's a keeper.

MIKE (as Lola helps him up) Let's go.

HANNAH Are you OK, my fresh, frozen Ollie-Pop?

MIKE I wouldn't say no to a little warm-up hug.

HANNAH OK, I'm 'gonna go before I hurl barf cubes! (places googles over her eyes) Hey, Ryan, wait up! If you love Colorado you are 'gonna love Montana!

Hannah begins to pull herself down the mountain - and ends up falling violently down, tossing and turning. We hear her grunts to signify her pain, and Lola and Mike stare on as she continues:

HANNAH (V/O) [CONT'D] (shouting from downhill) ...I'm OK!



OPENING CREDITS

starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

and BILLY-RAY CYRUS

"HANNAH MONTANA"



In the community hospital - Miley is in bed in a room, Robby and Lily at her side. Oliver is at the opposite side, Jackson is relaxed in a chair watching the television.

ROBBY I can't believe after that fall all she broke was her ankle. (Jackson screams something incomprehensible) I should've just left you at home with a bowl of kibble and a dish of water.

LILY What did the Doctor say?

ROBBY He said the surgery went great. And the seizure should wear off in a couple of hours.

OLIVER I mean, this is the longest I can remember her not talking. It's so nice! (Lily clears her throat) I mean, she looks so peaceful when she's sleeping.

LILY I apologize for my boyfriend, Mr Stewart, he is a working progress.

Jackson shouts at the television again.

ROBBY (referring Jackson) Yeah, I know what you mean, he's a working...no, he's just a piece of work!

The nurse enters, carrying a clipboard.

NURSE Oh no, we can't have this many people in the room, one at a time please.

LILY Oh, OK, sorry doctor.

NURSE Oh, I'm not a doctor, I'm a nurse.

Oliver and Jackson laugh at this remark.

JACKSON Nurse!

NURSE That amusing you?

OLIVER No, sir.

ROBBY Ya' darn tootin'. Nursing is a very noble profession for anyone.

JACKSON I...I...I couldn't agree more. In fact, I was thinking of pursuing a career in the ... nursial arts. Who wants to go the cafeteria?

He and Oliver jump up.

OLIVER Me too, I 'wanna leave. (as they are near the door) Bigger than my garage!

JACKSON Dude, tell me about it! And where do you find a size twenty-two nursing shoe?

LILY OK, if you guys don't get out of here, I think you know where you're going to find that shoe! (realization dawns on Jackson and Oliver's face) Yeah!

The three of them race out. The nurse is standing by Robby.

NURSE Looks like she's doing just fine.

ROBBY Thank you. And, sorry about my son.

NURSE You know, you could've just left him home with kibble and water.

ROBBY Tell me about it. (to Miley, as the nurse exits) You listen here baby girl, this smiling face is gonna be the first thing you see when you wake up.

A little while later, Robby is snoring asleep on the chair beside the bed.

MILEY (V/O) Oh man! What I wouldn't give for a (???) right now. Wait a minute, how can I hear if I'm still asleep? Oh, I saw this in a Kate Hudson movie! Her doctor said that it was totally rare, but while the seizure was wearing off, she could hear stuff. (Miley's figure appears in front of the bed, although he real body remains asleep on the bed) And then this happened! She imagined herself outside her body! So cool! (Robby snores loudly) And that is so loud! Yo, daddy, I'm trying to sleep over there. (she goes to his ear and shouts) Wake up! (nothing happens) Dang it! In the movie, Kate Hudson gets a marriage proposal from Ashton Kutcher. And I get a headache from a weasly hillbilly honker!

Jackson enters with an apple.

JACKSON Hey dad! Dad! (knocks him, but he does not wake) Cafeteria's got pie.

ROBBY (wakes suddenly) Pie? I heard pie! Hey Jackson, I'm just 'gonna run down the cafeteria for a bit. Pie! I mean, bye. (exits)

MILEY I never thought I would say this, but, thank you Jackson! The only thing worse than the sound of dad's snoring is...(Jackson is watching the television again, shouting) ...the sound of you watching football!

JACKSON Touchdown! Whoa!!!

MILEY Could you be any more insensitive?

Jackson goes over to Miley's body in the bed and high-fives her hand, before wiping his snot over it.

MILEY Apparently yes.

JACKSON Stupid commercials.

Jackson, with the remote goes to turn off the television, but nothing happens. It is instead the remote which controls the up/down motion of the hospital bed, where Miley is being hauled up and down.

JACKSON What is wrong with this remote?

MILEY It's in the hands of a boo-zoo!

Cuts to Lily entering - Jackson is sat on the seat, while Miley's bed is practically upside down.

LILY Hey Jackson, - what happened!

JACKSON The Titans just lost a fumble.

LILY I'm talking about Miley! (snatches remote from him)

JACKSON Ha? How'd that happen?

LILY Boo-zoo!

MILEY (spirit form still) That's what I said.

LILY Hey, argh, why don't you make yourself useful and go down the cafeteria and throw yourself between your dad and his blueberry pie.

JACKSON Hey, squirt. That might work on your boyfriend but not on the high school graduate.

LILY Oh, well, why don't I tell your dad how a high school graduate turned his helpless daughter into an (???).

JACKSON Fine. But FYI, he doesn't even like blueberries.

MILEY He's probably already scarfed down the apple, pumpkin and banana cream.

LILY Yeah, well he already scarfed down the apple, pumpkin and banana cream.

MILEY Do I know my daddy or what? Yeah!

JACKSON Great. The last time I got between my dad and his pie, I almost lost a finger! I'm not sure if he apologized afterwards, but I'll never forgot that crazed look on his face. (imitates a face) My pie! My pie!

LILY (to Miley's body, as Jackson exits) Oh, your skin looks so dry! Nothing a little lotion can't fix.

MILEY Finally. Someone to treat me with a little tenderness. Go ahead, Lily. I'll put myself in your loving, capable hands.

Cuts to later on, where Lily is pressing in Miley's lip, impersonating her voice.

LILY (impersonating Miley's voice) Oh, Lily! You're the best friend a girl could ever have. In fact, I just wrote a song for you. (sings to tune of "Nobody's Perfect") Lily is perfect! She's cute and she works it! She's perfectly perfect and perfectly cute!

MILEY Next time you spend the night at my house, pickle relish is so going in your bra!

Oliver knocks on the door and enters.

OLIVER Hey, Lilypop. How's she doing?

LILY Oh, she's good. She's still sleeping, but look what I can make her do. (pressing on Miley's lip's again) Oh, Oliver, you're so lucky to have a girlfriend as cute as Lily!

OLIVER Come on Lily, that's not funny.

LILY Thank you, Oliver.

OLIVER This is funny! (flares Miley's nostrils) Pig nose! (laughter)

LILY You bad boy.

MILEY Where's a good snot rocket when I need one?

LILY Argh, you know what, I think I'm 'gonna wash this stuff off my hands.

OLIVER OK.

LILY I'll miss you!

OLIVER I'll miss you more! (he hugs her)

MILEY Oh, hey, I've got an idea. Go with her!

LILY You know, it's really nice to hug in front of Miley without having to hear blah.

MILEY Blah!

Lily continues to make the noise as she exits, Miley mocking her. Oliver nears Miley's body.

MILEY Alright Oiken, I might be out cold but if you put your fingers anywhere near my nose, I will wake up just to bite you!

OLIVER OK. Here we go. (???)

MILEY Oh, man! Can't you just wait until you get in the hallway?

OLIVER (as he exits) Whoa. I mean it's harder than I thought.

MILEY You're really upset about something.

OLIVER I don't think I can do this.

MILEY Sure you can. We're buds, you can tell me anything.

OLIVER Come on, Oliver! I mean, just say it. (walking towards Miley's bed again) Say it! (takes Miley's hand and sits beside her) I love you.

MILEY Now you see, that wasn't so...best friend's boyfriend say what?

OLIVER I really do.

MILEY Nooo! You can't! You're dating Lily! It'll break her heart.

OLIVER Yeah, like I'm ever really gonna have the guts to say that.

LILY (entering) Did you miss me!

OLIVER Argh, you know I did! You're my little Lilypop.

MILEY And you're a little lying poop!

Miley swings her arm at him, but as she is only in spirit form, it goes right through him. She stumbles onto the ground.



Back at Miley's house, she is pacing around in the kitchen with her foot cast on, venting to her dad as she crunches on a cracker.

MILEY Oliver is unbelievable! I am so angry I could spit, if this cracker didn't give me such bad cotton mouth.

ROBBY Honey, would you stop pacing and put your leg up? The doctor said you were supposed to keep it elevated.

MILEY There, problem solved. Oh, wait, it's not! How can Oliver say that he loves me when he's dating Lily?

ROBBY Well, can you blame him? I mean, minus the sass, you are adorable.

MILEY Oh, come on, I am not...OK, maybe a little. But...Lily's my best friend.

ROBBY Now, wait a second. You weren't even awake yet. Maybe you dreamed this whole thing.

MILEY Oh, so now I'm not adorable? Fine! But I am still sassy! And I do not think I was asleep when you over there snoring like a grizzly with that head cold, and cleaning the cafeteria clean out of pies!

ROBBY Oh, my gosh, you did hear everything, didn't you? Hey. This is just like that Kate Hudson movie!

MILEY Thank you! (Robby laughs) What's so funny?

ROBBY (through constant laughter) It's just, in the movie, she got, argh, Ashton Kutcher and you got argh...Oliver.

MILEY Oh, right...that is funny.

Through laughter, she slowly moves her leg cast off the stool and lets it smash down on Robby's foot.

ROBBY Ough!

MILEY Oopsies! (starts legging over to the couch) I don't know what I am going to do.

ROBBY Why do you have to do anything?

MILEY Because...I can't let Lily date Oliver knowing that he's in love with me. This stinks.

ROBBY You know, back when I was a boy...

MILEY (cutting Robby off) Oh, no, haven't I suffered enough?

ROBBY Oh, now, hold on baby, this one's got a point. When I was sixteen years old, I was crazy about Gabriella Godfrey. Whoaw, she was all that and the some. Until I met Heather Witt...whoaw, she was some!

MILEY Alright, if the mission was too completely creep me out... mission accomplished!

ROBBY Oh, honey, what I'm saying is that you know...at one time Oliver thought he loved Lily, and now he don't. And who knows, she might change her mind too. By the middle of next week she may be all goo-goo eye over Hootie Lamottie with the swimmer's body. What? Like I can't hear you in there flapping your jaws on the phone all night long! .

MILEY You're right. I 'gotta wait, till Lily moves on to someone else. I don't have to tell her anything!

ROBBY That's all you can do.

MILEY But wait...what about, what about Oliver still being in love me, I still have to deal with that don't I?

ROBBY Oh, he might change his mind on that by next week.

MILEY Oh, great, so now my 'adorable' has an expiration date?

ROBBY Why did I have to open that door?

As he goes upstairs, Lily enters from the front door.

LILY Hey, Miley! I picked up your favorite ice cream, cause I figured it might make you feel better while you're stuck in the house all day. I don't know why it has to be double, double chocolate chip, it's already so rich, but as long as you like it that's all that matters.

MILEY Oh, great. My favorite, soggy cardboard and...Lily hair. What did you do, put your whole head in there?

LILY I'm sorry, it's just...I'm totally nervous, I'm getting together with Oliver tonight and there's something I need to tell him.

MILEY You do?

LILY Yeah, but I don't know what he's going to do when I say it.

MILEY Oh, go ahead. So you moved on, I'm sure Oliver will be fine.

LILY Moved on, where did you get that? I'm 'gonna tell him I love him.

Miley spits out the ice cream in her mouth.

MILEY ...Just had to finally spit it.



MILEY Tell Oliver you love him? You can't do that!

LILY Why?

MILEY Because- the girl should never say it first. It's against the rules, you can't give a boy that kind of power. You do that and you'll send the women's moving back fifty years! And I am two years away from voting, and you will not take that away from me!

LILY But I do love him.

MILEY Yeah, and I love peanut butter. But you don't see me making a fool of myself in front of a jar of extra chunky!

LILY Well, I don't care. I love him and I'm 'gonna tell him.

MILEY What if he doesn't love you back? What if he's in love with someone else because they're...I 'dunno...adorable or something? (yawns) Oh, I am tired, 'gotta go take a nap, see 'ya!

LILY Do you know something I don't?

MILEY (clears her throat) How would I know anything? I was in the hospital, out cold. It's not like I can hear things like in that totally unrealistic Kate Hudson movie. Oh. Yawn, I am tired. 'Gotta go to bed, see 'ya! (covers her face with blanket)

LILY Miley, I know how he feels. I can tell by the way he looks at me! Even when I have a pimple. I never told you this, but...that's why he calls me Lilypop.

MILEY I could've gone my whole life not knowing that.

LILY I'm 'gonna go get ready. Oh, oh, can I borrow your no-smudge lipstick? I think it might come in handy, if you know what I mean!

MILEY You might want to borrow my water-proof mascara instead.

LILY Right! Because I'll be so happy I'll cry.

MILEY Well you're half right.

LILY What do you mean?

MILEY Well, I can pretty much guarantee crying, it's just...the happy I'm not so sure about. Lily, I didn't want to tell you this before, but...he doesn't love you.

LILY Of course he does!

MILEY No, he doesn't. Remember when I was in the hospital and everybody thought I couldn't hear? Well, I could...and I heard him say that he...doesn't love you.

LILY He doesn't love me?

MILEY I'm sorry, Lily.

LILY No, Miley you had to be dreaming.

MILEY If I was dreaming would I have heard this? (clenches Lily's jaws) Lily is perfect! She's cool and she works it!

LILY Oh, no!

MILEY It's OK, go ahead and cry.

Miley hugs Lily, as she starts crying like a baby.



A while later, Lily is sat on the couch crying her eyes out with stacks and stacks of tissues discarded on the floor. Miley comes over with a new box.

MILEY Here you go, I got you another box. Here, use this cold pack, it...OH, OK! May as well not waste it.



Miley has just finished constructing a large building out of paddle pop sticks, Lily is still crying.

MILEY There. Gosh, Lily, if I knew you were going to cry this much I would've built a boat!

LILY I'm sorry, I think I'm done.

MILEY Good. Because you know what - Oliver is not worth it! (Lily breaks into tears again, saying OLIVER!) Oh, sweet niblets!

Robby comes down from upstairs.

ROBBY Oh, no, poor Lily. You told her Oliver was in love you?

Miley hits her head. Lily flinches up.

LILY In love with you?

MILEY No. I cleverly avoided that, until now!

ROBBY Argh...I think I'm getting a fax, I better go check! Hope I got enough paper in there, see you! (runs off upstairs)

LILY How could you?

MILEY Lily, I swear, I had nothing to do with it! I'm adorable! It's a gift and a curse. And the important thing is, I don't feel the same way.

LILY Really?

MILEY Of course not! In fact, right now I hate him as much as you do.

LILY Oh, that miserable, slimy, Miley-loving weasel! Stringing me along when he never even loved me! Oh, I wish I could get him back!

MILEY You can! You know what we're going to do, we're going to get you all fixed up, then we're going to take you down to the beach, and get a picture of you sitting with a cute guy, send it to Oliver, so he knows, you're over it, you never even loved him.

LILY But I did!

MILEY Lily! Please, if you're going to waste this much water, just go cry over my plants.

Following Miley's orders, she goes and leans over the plants.



Miley is dragging Lily along the beach outside Rico's.

MILEY Stop crying, you're going to ruin your makeup.

LILY OK, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll stop. How do I look? (pushes her hair away from her face and we see her makeup is a mess all over her face).

Jackson turns and sees it and steps back with a gasp of shock.

MILEY Zip it, Jackson! You look great.

JACKSON Yeah, if you like circus clowns! Honk.

MILEY No, honey, you have inner beauty. Now, let's find you a hunk...with a big heart, and bad eyes...OK, sit here, and let's see what we're working with. Oh, hello!...goodbye. Oh, hubba-hubba.

LILY Did you find somebody?

MILEY Not really your type...bingo! Cute...but I can live without him. Now, you stay here, and try to push some of your inner beauty onto the outside, OK?

LILY OK, how's this?

JACKSON I got two words for you. Paper bag.

MILEY Yeah, look who's talking. I remember your last girlfriend, the dog went great until the dog catcher showed up! Woof! Woof! (she and Jackson start mocking each other. She approaches the cute guy) Hey, how's it going?

GIL Good. What happened to your leg?

MILEY I'm not really in the mood for sweet talk. You a good kisser?

GIL I guess so. But shouldn't we get to know each other first? I'm Gil.

MILEY I'm actually talking about my friend over there.

GIL The circus clown?

MILEY She is not a...yes, the circus clown.

GIL I don't think so.

Miley looks over and sees Oliver come over and greet his mates.

MILEY I'll give you twenty bucks!

GIL Can't I just shake her hand?

MILEY Twenty-five.

GIL ...deal.

MILEY Gil, Lil. Lil, Gil. Let's do this thing.

LILY I don't think I can do this Miley.

MILEY Guy who doesn't love you at two o-clock!

LILY OK, OK!

GIL I can close my eyes, right?

MILEY Just do it!

As the two close in on each other, Oliver walks down on it.

OLIVER What the?

MILEY Yep, that's right! She's kissing someone else, she's moved on, you cannot hurt her anymore!

OLIVER Hurt her? Miley, what are you talking about, I love her!

MILEY You do?

LILY You do!

OLIVER Yeah, I mean, I did, until you were inches away from kissing another guy.

MILEY Then why did you say you love me?

OLIVER I never said that!

GIL I still get paid either way, right?

OLIVER/LILY You paid him?

MILEY Not important! What is important, is that while I was asleep in the hospital, you said that you loved me!

OLIVER No, I didn't!

MILEY Yes you did!

LILY She heard you.

OLIVER She heard...oh! I wasn't saying it to Miley, I was practicing to say it to you.

LILY To me?

MILEY To her?

OLIVER Yeah, it's not easy saying I love you to a girl if you've never said it before.

LILY I love you to, Ollipop.

OLIVER This isn't exactly how I wanted to tell you, but.

LILY This isn't exactly how I wanted to look when you did!

OLIVER You look beautiful.

GIL I am not going to get paid, am I?

JACKSON Please. Everyone knows you can't clean the cash unless you kiss the clown.

MILEY Hey, how about that! Happy ending. About all that really matters. Well, I better get going, gotta put this leg up.

OLIVER Miley!

OLIVER You almost broke us up.

MILEY True...but all because of this totally innocent misunderstanding, you guys finally said I love you to each other! So I think the words you are looking for is thank you, to which I reply, you're welcome.

LILY Miley, if we weren't so incredibly happy, you would be in so much trouble right now.

MILEY But you are. And I have never been so happy to have been wrong.

OLIVER I can't believe you thought I was in love with you.

LILY Even I thought you were in love with her!

MILEY OK, guys, it's not that funny, I mean, look at me- I'm adorable. It's true! Even daddy said so!



JACKSON This is so cool! Just like that Kate Hudson movie.

ROBBY My boy.

JACKSON Oh, look at me, I'm Robby Ray Stewart, I jogged all the way to the mailbox so now I can have pie. Dang flab it, Jackson ate my pie!

ROBBY Dang flab it, Jackson ate my pie!

JACKSON And it was good!

ROBBY That tears it, that boy is going to pay!

JACKSON Pay? What do you mean "pay"? Hey, what are you doing with the whipped cream and the jelly? Come on, man, I'm sleeping! Hey, wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Avenge yourself...oh,oh I can't watch this.

ROBBY 'Yee doggies.

JACKSON Oh, oh yeah. Very nice. Real mature! So proud to call you my dad!

ROBBY N'argck. It's a masterpiece.

JACKSON It's very funny. Too bad you're the only one who's going to see it. Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no!

ROBBY Think I got next year's Christmas card.

JACKSON Please, please, please let this be a dream!