Pierce Me

(opening theme song)

(walking to school)

Daria - We can bake cupcakes for the whole class and pretend you're really popular for the day.

Jane - Will there be pony rides?

Daria - Do you have any ideas?

Jane - I just don't feel like celebrating my birthday. It's a totally artificial holiday created to stimulate the economy.

Daria - Aren't birthdays the one holiday the greeting card industry didn't make up?

Jane - That's what they want you to believe.

Daria - Okay, okay. No party and no present.

Jane - Who said no present?

(at Daria's house)

Helen - Great pizza, honey.

Daria - Aah!

Jake - Oh, my gosh! Daria! Helen! Heimlich!

Daria - Relax, Dad. It's just cheese burn.

Quinn - You're such a pain wimp, Daria. You know, Dad, you really should get cheese-less pizza anyway. It's much healthier.

Jake - Cheese-less pizza? What a great idea! Hey, hey, can I have that?

Helen - What's this? And who opened it?

Quinn - Don't worry. It's not going to happen.

Helen - A mother-daughter fashion show at school? To raise money?

Daria - And consciousness.

Jake - (around mouthful of pizza) What a great idea!

Quinn - The Fashion Club has already scheduled an emergency meeting. We'll put a stop to it.

Daria - Don't want a bunch of smelly amateurs stinking up your catwalks?

Quinn - Right, Daria. You can't just mix with fashion civilians when you have an image to uphold.

Helen - Well, that's a relief. I mean, who wants to parade around showing off some ridiculous outfit.

Quinn - With your mother. (phone rings) Oops.

(split-screen between Trent and Jake)

Jake - (around mouthful of pizza) Hello?

Trent - Hello. Um, can I please speak to your daughter?

Jake - Just a sec... (gulps) Quinn, honey, it's for you.

Quinn - Who is it, Daddy?

Jake - Didn't catch his name.

Quinn - I hope it's not Adam. I was going to cancel on him to go out with Simon, but then Todd called so I'm not sure, but if it's Bryce, maybe I'll go out with him instead and cancel on Simon anyway since he hasn't even asked yet.

Daria - Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.

(split-screen between Trent and Quinn)

Quinn - Hello?

Trent - Who's this?

Quinn - You called me, duh. Who's this?

Trent - I didn't call you.

Quinn - Well, excuse me. I think he's selling something. Tell him off, mom.

(split-screen between Trent and Helen)

Helen - Hello? Don't you think it's a little late to be soliciting people?

Trent - Uh, sorry. I didn't think 7:00 was late, but, uh... is Daria in bed already?

Helen - Daria? Who are you?

Trent - Um, this is Trent. Jane's brother.

Helen - Daria, it's Trent. Jane's brother.

Daria - (blushes) Trent, Jane's brother? For me?

Helen - Yes, but he does sound a little confused.

(split-screen between Trent and Daria)

Daria - Um...

Trent - This is Daria, right?

Daria - Hold on, I need to switch phones. (to family) I'll take it upstairs, okay?

(in Daria's bedroom)

Daria - (shouts) You can hang up now! I got it! Hang up!

Jake - (shouts) You have the phone, kiddo!

Daria - (shouts) Okay, thanks, I'll hang up myself, then.

(split-screen between Trent and Daria)

Daria - Hi, Trent. Sorry about that. Trent?

(Jane walks into kitchen)

Daria - (on phone) Trent? Trent!

(Jane laves)

Trent - Hey, Daria.

Daria - Uh, hi. What's up?

(Jane walks into kitchen)

Daria - (on phone) Trent? Are you awake?

(Jane leaves)

Trent - I, uh, need to ask you something.

Daria - Me?

Trent - Yeah, you.

(Jane walks into kitchen)

Daria - (on phone) So...

Trent - So...

Daria - (on phone) So... you wanted to ask me something?

Trent - Right. Right, and, uh, yeah. That sounds excellent. See you then. Bye. (hangs up)

Jane - Who was that?

Trent - What?

Jane - Who were you just speaking to?

Trent - What's it to you?

Jane - You're acting really weird, that's all.

Trent - I'm acting weirder than usual?

Jane - None of your trick questions, young man. You're behaving strangely.

Trent - You're the strange one.

Jane - You are.

Trent - You.

Jane - Where are you going?

Trent - Who are you? Mom?

Jane - No, Mom would never ask where you're going.

Trent - Exactly. (leaves)

Jane - Rrrre-dial.

(phone rings)

Daria - Hello? Trent? Hello? Anyone there? Trent, is that you?

Quinn - Daria!

Daria - Ah!

Quinn - Daria, the downstairs members of the household would like the cordless phone back now, please.

(in the living room)

(Quinn sighs deeply)

Helen - What is it, Quinn?

Quinn - Nothing.

Jake - You can tell us, sweetie. What's got you blue?

Quinn - It's just... I'd look so good on a runway.

(in Daria's bedroom)

SSW Announcer - He gave her his kidney. She gave him her heart. Transplants and romance when Sick, Sad World continues.

(Daria fantasizes)

Trent - Daria?

Daria - Yes, Trent?

Trent - Want to hear this song I wrote... for you?

Daria - You wrote me a song?

Trent - You're my muse, you know.

Daria - Really?

Trent - It's called "Silly, Little Self-Deluded Girl. Why Would a Cool Guy Like Me Ever Write a Song About You?"

(phone interrupts fantasy)

Quinn - (in phone) Hello? Oh, hi, Sandi.

(in the living room)

Quinn - (into phone) Really? That sounds cute, I guess that's cute. Yes, definitely cute. Yeah, that would be cute, but... I'll think about it. Okay. 'Bye. (hangs up) Poor Sandi. Her mom insists on being in the fashion show.

Helen - She would. She's awfully full of herself, don't you think?

Quinn - We're cuter than them.

Helen - Cuter than they.

Quinn - Damn right.

Helen - Linda is very attractive.

Quinn - You're definitely cuter than Sandi's mom, Mom.

Helen - This is silly.

Quinn - If Sandi can be in it then everyone should be allowed to be in it. I'm vice president of the Fashion Club. We have to win.

Helen - But it's not a competitive event.

Quinn - Oh, it will be.

(Jake answers door, finds Trent standing there)

(at Daria's house)

Trent - Hey.

Jake - Quinn! Your date is here!

Trent - Actually, I'm...

Quinn - God, Dad, are you kidding? (leaves)

Jake - Gee, I'm sorry, young man, but you know how girls can be. Just give her some time, son. Give her some time.

Trent - Is Daria home?

Jake - Daria?! Who are you?

(in the living room)

Jake - So, you're here to see Daria.

Trent - Yeah.

Helen - Daria is a very special girl, isn't she?

Trent - Uh, sure.

Jake - How old are you, Trent?

Trent - What?

Jake - Are you in school? Do you have a job? Life isn't just one free handout after another, you know. How many earrings in that ear?

Helen - Daria has mentioned that you have some sort of band.

Trent - Mystik Spiral. But we're thinking of changing the name.

Daria - Um, Mom, Dad. Quinn's on the phone in the kitchen ordering a convertible.

Jake - Oh, my God!

(outside)

Trent - I didn't mean to hang up on you before. Janey walked in and I couldn't think of what to say.

Daria - Oh. That's okay.

Trent - Daria, I...

Daria - (hopeful) Yes...?

Trent - I want you to help me pick out a birthday present for Jane.

Daria - (deflated) Oh.

Trent - Every year I end up getting her art supplies. Can you help me out?

Daria - Anything for Jane.

Trent - Thanks, Daria. I'll pick you up tomorrow morning. Not too early, sometime before lunch... or after.

Daria - Um, okay.

Trent - Or better yet, why don't we leave it loose?

(in the kitchen)

Quinn - Don't do it! (grabs coffee cup)

Helen - Quinn, what is the matter with you?

Quinn - Coffee, caffeine: dark circles, capisce? Fashion show, mom. Don't handicap yourself.

Helen - Quinn, I need my coffee.

Quinn - "Woman Loses Fashion Show Due to Pathetic Addiction. Daughter Shamed For Life." Come on, the spa is about to open anyway.

Helen - Daria? Last chance to join us for a mother-daughter day of beauty. It's very relaxing.

Daria - Once you pass out from the pain.

(horn honks)

Quinn - Who's that? I don't have a date now.

Daria - I think it's for me.

(in Trent's car)

Daria - I wasn't expecting you for a couple of hours.

Trent - I came straight from rehearsal. We ran late, or early... whatever. So, where should we go?

Daria - Um, I was thinking...

Trent - No art supplies. We decided already. Don't want to get her a CD. And I can't set foot in a bookstore. Don't ask me why, Daria. I just don't want to talk about it. So, what are your ideas?

Daria - A fuzzy little bunny?

Trent - Let's just go to Dega Street. I'm sure we'll find something there.

(at the spa)

Quinn - I was thinking we could both wear cigarette trousers, and I'll wear a halter top and you could wear more the nehru jacket thing. And remember, Mom, cute is not a look, it's not an attitude, it's a way of being.

Manicurist - She's a little miss chatterbox, isn't she?

Quinn - We're in training. She's going to be my mother and I'm going to be her daughter in a fashion show. Actually, she is my mother and I'm her daughter in real life, too. Mom?

Helen - (wakes up) What?

(on Dega Street)

Trent - (points at guitar) Hey, Daria, what do you think?

Daria - Um, wouldn't that be more for you than for Jane?

Trent - That's a really good point.

(Daria and Trent look in window of retro clothing store)

Daria - I just don't see Jane in tie-dye.

Trent - (points at outfit) You'd look good in that.

Daria - (mutters) Um, oh... thanks.

Trent - Hey! (points at Axl's Piercing Parlor)

Daria - Body piercing? Jane?

Trent - Haven't you always wanted to get pierced?

Daria - No. It just seems too much like getting tortured for the sake of some subculture's notion of beauty.

(at the spa)

Stylist - Now, the dryers. We'll blast heat on your heads for 20 minutes or until you can't take it anymore.

Helen - Can't you just wrap a warm towel over my head?

Stylist - I'll lower the temperature if I smell anything singeing.

Helen - How about we start on medium?

Quinn - Not for me. Full blast, please.

Helen - Quinn!

Quinn - I have really high pain tolerance for hair-care treatments.

(at Axl's Piercing Parlor)

Axl - Hey, Trent, just so you know, we're having a two-for-one special.

Trent - Hey, that's cool, Axl. 11 bucks each. What do you say, Daria?

Daria - Um...

Axl - Take a look at our piercing menu.

Daria - I don't think that's how you spell "uvula."

Axl - That's not "uvula."

Trent - I've been wanting to put a hole right here. (points at eyebrow)

Daria - You can never have too many holes in your head.

Trent - Come on, Daria. Let's get the special.

Daria - (reluctantly) I guess I could pierce my ears.

Axl - Ah, no can do. Special's one hole, ears are two holes. Full retail price applies.

Trent - That's too boring, anyway, Daria. You gotta do something fun.

Daria - Fun?

Axl - You'd look nice with a lip ring.

Daria - Are you going to let him talk to me that way?

Trent - I know what would be cool. Little silver hoop. (points at Daria's navel; Daria blushes)

Axl - Yeah, okay. A navel ring works. It's a start, at least.

Daria - (blushing furiously) I am not going to pierce my belly button. It never did anything to me.

Trent - Daria, it would look really hot.

(in Axl's back room)

Axl - Hey, you are 18, aren't you? I should've asked.

Daria - Is it a problem if I'm not?

Axl - Yeah. You'll need parental permission. This establishment is licensed to serve adults only and operates strictly according to the letter of the law.

Trent - She is.

Axl - Right.

(bells on door ring)

Axl - My apprentice is out today. I better go see who that is.

Monique - Hey, Axl, it's just me.

Axl - Hello, darling.

Monique - Axl, I need some more of that antiseptic stuff for my nose ring. Oh, Trent! (hugs Trent)

Trent - Hey, Monique. How's it going?

Monique - Pretty good.

Trent - How are the Harpies?

Monique - I'm thinking of leaving, for real this time. Start my own band.

Trent - You could do it, Monique. You've got stage presence. No kidding.

Monique - I learned from the best, man.

Trent - Aw, stop it. Monique used to be in a band with me. Oh, hey, Monique, this is Daria. My kid sister's friend.

Monique - Hey, Daria.

Daria - (flatly) Hi.

Trent - Daria's like the coolest high schooler I know.

(at Cashman's)

Quinn - That'll be good on me. That's cute for me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Possible Mom. Me. Me. (giggles)

Helen - Quinn, this just isn't working.

Eric - Helen?

Helen - Eric!

Eric - This is Jasmine, my niece. I'm buying her a birthday present.

Jasmine - Hi.

Helen - Hello, Jasmine. Quinn, this is Eric, from work. And Eric, Jasmine, this is Quinn. She's going to be my daughter and I'm going to be her mother in a fashion show. Actually, she is my daughter, and I was just trying to be a good parent... oh, my God, what have I done?

Jasmine - I like that skirt, Uncle Eric. I mean... I'd like it on me.

Eric - Hmm...

(at Axl's Piercing Parlor)

Daria - Have I mentioned that I hate pain?

Axl - Now, this won't hurt. It's no worse than popping a pimple.

Daria - Ahh!

Axl - I haven't done anything yet.

Daria - I was thinking about how much it hurts to pop a pimple. (starts shaking)

Axl - I can't concentrate if you keep shaking.

Trent - I'll help you through this, Daria. Here.

Daria - Uh... what's that?

Trent - That's my hand. Give me yours. (beat) It's pretty clean, Daria.

Daria - No, I, um... sorry. (takes Trent's hand)

Trent - The best thing to do is not think about it. Then it won't hurt.

Daria - (stops shaking) It doesn't hurt.

Trent - Huh?

Daria - What?

Trent - Daria?

Axl - Don't take out the ring for six months, or it'll close up and we'll have to pierce it again. Don't get scared when the mucous starts pouring out. Put some of this antiseptic stuff on, and take 50 milligrams a day of um, some metal or other... zinc, aluminum, I forget.

Daria - You did it? I'm pierced?

Trent - Yup.

(at school, in the girl's bathroom)

Daria - (from stall) Psst!

Jane - Oh, no. The toilet is talking to me again.

Daria - (from stall) Psst! Lane!

Jane - Talking toilet, you may call me "Jane." (Daria emerges) Oh! It's you. (Daria shows her navel) Did I just see what I think I saw?

Daria - You didn't see a weeping virgin or anything, did you?

Jane - Do that again. (Daria shows her navel) I can't believe you had the nerve.

Daria - Neither can I. It was Trent's idea.

Jane - So you did go out with Trent.

Daria - Shopping for your birthday present... oops. He wanted to surprise you.

Jane - And he go me a hole in your navel. That is a surprise.

Daria - I don't know how it happened, but there we were and there he was, and there was this two-for-one special... oh, my God, what have I done?

Jane - (teasing) Oh, dear, our little girl's becoming a woman.

Daria - Shut up.

Jane - Don't you get it, Daria? You did something stupid for a guy. Gee, you may join the human race after all.

Daria - I didn't do it for a guy. I did it so Trent could get the special.

Jane - Oh, that's different. Hey, what'd you end up getting me?

Daria - I can't say.

Jane - I hope it's art tools. I need some new supplies.

Daria - I did do it for a guy, didn't I?

Jane - Oh, yeah.

Daria - It itches like hell, and I'm not showing anybody else.

Jane - Just keep your shirt tucked in. No one will know. (Jodie enters) Hey, Jodie, check out Daria's navel ring.

Jodie - Really? (Daria shows her navel) That's kind of cool.

Daria - It is?

Jodie - Yeah. As long as you didn't just do it for some guy.

Daria - Right. That would be bad.

(at Daria's house, in the bathroom)

Quinn - You didn't really do that!

Daria - Do what?

Quinn - That!

Daria - Oh, this old thing? I only wear it when I don't care how my navel looks.

Quinn - Mmm... I get it. You're trying to brighten your ho-hum life with a little illusion. I've seen those fake rings, Daria.

Daria - So have I. They don't do this. (pulls on ring) They don't itch like this, either.

Quinn - Mom and Dad are gonna freak!

Daria - Do you think you should be upsetting mom or dad on the eve of your big competition?

Quinn - Uh...

Daria - It'll just be our little secret... sis. (leaves)

Quinn - Ugh!

(in Daria's bedroom)

Daria - (takes ring out) You may be fashion forward but you itch like hell.

(morning; Daria can't put ring back in)

(at Jane's house)

Jane - What are you doing here? School's not for an hour.

Daria - It's gone.

Jane - What's gone?

Daria - I'm not pierced anymore. It closed up.

Jane - You didn't take the ring out?

Daria - Just for the night. I couldn't stand the itching.

Jane - I've heard of fast healers but this is ridiculous.

Daria - Gee, maybe E.T. came in my room and touched my navel while I slept.

Jane - Boy, Daria, you have the weirdest sex dreams.

Daria - Don't tell Trent.

Jane - About E.T.?

Daria - About my belly button.

Jane - What does he care?

Daria - Just don't say anything when he wakes up, okay?

Jane - That won't happen for hours. Maybe days.

Trent - (walks in) Hey, Daria.

Jane - Trent?

Daria - Late rehearsal?

Trent - Or early. Whatever. So your piercing closed up?

Daria - It was an accident.

Trent - Yeah, that happens a lot.

Jane - And it doesn't make you a geek. Right?

Trent - Of course not. Tell you what. When you're ready we'll go down and get you a tattoo. They last forever.

(at the school fashion show)

Quinn - I love Tiffany, I really do.

Stacy - She's so smushy.

Quinn - But isn't there something a little strange about her... mother?

(Tiffany and model walk the runway)

Stacy - She told the agency she wanted the prettiest model they had.

Quinn - I guess it's okay. I mean, look at Brittany.

(Brittany and Ashley-Amber walk the runway)

Stacy - There should've been a rule about stepmothers.

Helen - Quinn? We're next.

Quinn - Remember, Mom, think cute. (Quinn and Helen emerge onto runway) Confident, up, totally... uh-oh!

(Quinn trips and they both fall; audience groans)

Quinn - (miserable) Totally humiliating.

Jake - Ow! (Helen slaps camcorder out of Jake's hand)

(at the Zen)

Jane - You still haven't told me what present Trent came up with.

Daria - Be patient. All will be revealed.

(smattering of applause as Mystik Spiral warms up)

Trent - Hello. We're Mystik Spiral and I want to say happy birthday to my sister, Jane.

Jesse - This for you, Jane.

(music begins)

Trent - (singing) Little sister, little sister you came into my life like a twister. What can I get you that you haven't taken? What can I get you that hasn't been killed by corruption and greed? What can I get you that isn't tie-dyed or like what you already have, or plastic or not alive or so sad?

Trent and Jesse - (singing) Does anybody know, does anybody know why we're here? Does anybody know, does anybody know why we're here? Does anybody know, does anybody know why we're here?

Jesse - Yeah!

(applause as music ends)

Jane - By the way, thanks for the cool art supplies.

Daria - Somebody had to do it.

(at Daria's house, in the kitchen)

Quinn - All that work. All that preparation. Why? Why me?

Helen - Honey, it was just a little school fund-raiser. You'll have other moments in the sun.

Quinn - But none with you, Mom.

Helen - Oh, that's so sweet.

Quinn - Nope. None with you. No freaking way.

Helen - Quinn, isn't there anything that would make you feel better?

Quinn - Yes! Yes, there is.

(in the living room)

(Daria walks in)

Jake - We want to see your belly button, young lady, and we want to see it now.

Daria - What are you talking about?

Helen - Out with it!

Daria - (shows her navel) Do you have a problem with innies?

Helen - Quinn, what's the matter with you?

Jake - Your sister's not pierced. Why would you scare us like that?

Quinn - But... but it was there yesterday!

Daria - Trying to brighten your ho-hum life with a little illusion? (yawns) Boy, I'm tired. Night, everybody. (heads upstairs)

Quinn - She was pierced... pierced, I tell you! Oh, the humanity...

(closing credits)