It's a Handbag

Hey, I'm off to the mall. What do you do there every day? You don't have any money. I don't need money. I go to the food court and eat free samples. Are you looking for your purse? It's in the closet. It's a handbag, not a purse. Why don't you just carry a wallet? And what am I supposed to do with all my items? What items? My phone, sunglasses, my mints, my lip gloss, my scrunchies. Ugh. I can't believe you go out looking like that. You're right. Oh, no. What'd he do? He didn't do anything. His purse was stolen. It was a handbag. Anyway, he was extremely distraught, so we gave him a ride home. Oh. Do you want a medal for that? Where were you when I was being criminalized? So we can leave him with you? Ehh We'll let you know if we find your purse. Handbag! Ohh. What happened? I was in the food court. I had just finished some mini-meatballs when I noticed the Cinn-a-Ball girl with a tray of Cinn-a-Balls. Over here, doll. Mm. Mm! Oh, that-- ooh, that's nice. So light. I'd eaten about 4 or 5, when she jerked the tray away from me and told me I'd had enough. What do you mean, I've exceeded my sample limit? Where does it say anything about a sample limit? Naturally, I became enraged. You can't just arbitrarily make up rules. This is insanity! This is Kafka-esque! I am a valued customer! What does this have to do with your purse? For the last time, it's a handbag. And I am getting to it. In order for you to understand what happened, you need to know the backstory. Actually, the backstory's not important. When I turned around, my handbag was gone. So get another handbag. That handbag was irreplaceable. I got it years ago in Paris when I was modeling. What? I mean, look at me. So young and innocent. Oh, there's me with the bag. My handbag. My beautiful handbag. All right. I can't listen to this any more. - Where are you going? - The mall. I'm gonna get you a new handbag. I told you it's irreplaceable. Fine. But if you insist, get something in, like, a chocolate brown, you know. Something versatile. Just not black. And it should have a lot of pockets. It needs to be functional but still fashionable. But nothing too big. I don't want a tote. He's gonna get me a tote. Uh, what do you mean, I've exceeded my sample limit? It didn't say anything about a sample limit. Hello. I am a different person, and I'm very interested in one of these samples. Oh, my gosh! Is that Bugs? Oh. I mean, oh, my gosh. Is that Bugs? Ooh! Where did he go? There he is. What is he buying a purse for? Our anniversary! It's this Friday. He's buying me a purse. Oh, bun-bun. You're so sweet. I can't believe I almost forgot our anniversary. Oh, what am I gonna get for Bugs? Ahem. I mean, what am I gonna get for Bugs? Ehh. Eh. I'm a valued customer. I want another Cinn-a-Ball. Aah! Ooh! - Hello? - Hey, it's me. What time you want me to pick you up for date night? Date night? I can't go anywhere. What's wrong with you? I was the victim of a violent crime. What happened? My handbag was stolen. You were mugged? Did you get beat up? No. I just turned around and it was gone. Then you weren't the victim of a violent crime, you nitwit. You probably just left it somewhere. I told you not to carry a purse. Handbag. The point is it's gone. Just like my innocence. Before this, I would look at strangers as a friend I hadn't met yet. I saw the possibility and the beauty in everything. I was like a newborn child. I lived my life with an open heart. I can't get the person I was back. That person is gone. Tina? Tina? Tina? Mm, this is kind of nice. Clean. It's crisp. He'd look good in this. Wait a second. I can't just get Bugs a shirt. It's our anniversary. I've gotta get him something incredible. Something extraordinary. And I don't care if I have to go to the ends of the earth to find it. Yes, uh, I'm interested in hiring a bodyguard. I guess 24 hours a day, Ex-special forces guy? Ooh. Yeah, that sounds good. $2,500 a day? Wow. That's kinda steep. But if it means not having to look over my shoulder in fear for the rest of my life, then I guess it's worth it. Let's do it. The name on the card is Bugs Bunny. The number is 2546 77-- I'll call you back. What the-- Can I help you? Why doesn't my key work? I had the locks changed. You can't be too careful. Daffy, let me in. What's the password? There is no password. This is my house. Fine. But there is a password. And it's "the leprechaun is in motion. " What? That's not a password. That's a pass sentence. Oh. Uh, then the password is Zero, 8, 4, 4, ll-"L", "X", "Z", dash 6, 6, Just let me in! Not without the password. Fine. What is it again? Zero, 5-- Oh. No, wait. Zero, 3-- No, wait. What was it? Oh. I've forgotten the password. Well, I can't let you in without the password. Please. Please let me in. I'm begging you. It's me, Daffy. All right. Just this once. Unlock the door and I'll let you in. Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. Hey, Bugs! Let me in! I'm vulnerable out here. It's unlocked. Are you out of your mind? You just leave the door unlocked? Not that I want to reward this kind of behavior, but here. I got you something. What is it? It's a new handbag. This isn't a handbag. This is a clutch. - A what? - Ugh. A handbag is a versatile bag that you can carry every day. It goes with any outfit. It's practical, wearable. This is a clutch. It's a strapless bag that is clutched in the hand. It's an evening bag for a fancy night out, like a night at the opera. Not that you ever take me to the opera. Fine. I'll return it. Well, let's not be hasty. It's good to have options, you know. Maybe one night, you actually will take me to the opera. Not that I'd even want to go. I don't want to go anywhere any more. I don't feel safe. I mean, look. There's not enough room in here for pepper spray. I can barely fit my credit card. That's my credit card. Fine. I'm gonna go see if there's anything in my closet that goes with this. I would have been better off with a tote. I'm a valued customer. I want another Cinn-a-Ball. Ehh Do you mind if I sleep with you? - Hello? - Hi, Bugs. Just making sure we're all set for Friday night. Uh, sure. What's Friday night? Oh, yeah. All right, ok. See you then. Oh. Now what am I gonna get Bugs? Oh! Hmm. I like the frame. Oh, her face is tough. What is she thinking? Well, this is nice. Oh, but it's broken. Ugh. Ooh! This is perfect. Excuse me, miss. Hi. How much for this painting? Pardon? Oh, sorry. You speak French? Luckily, so do I. Ahem. I am looking for a very special gift for my boyfriend, and I want to buy this painting. Oh, I have a 20. And two ones. So, your lucky day. That is $22. 00. Well! The French really are rude. Wait a second, I can't get this. Bugs is allergic to sunflowers. Well, time for plan "B". I can't take it anymore. I live in a constant state of fear. I can't sleep. I can't eat. That's a good egg salad. Here's the deal. I need someone by my side So, will you be my bodyguard? Why me? Porky, you'd be perfect. For the past 3 years, you've been taking karate. I don't take karate. I take Pilates. Pilates? What the heck is Pilates? It's a body conditioning routine that builds long, lean muscles. And you've been taking that for 3 years? Heh. You should get your money back. Well, forget it. Go home. I'll figure something out. No, wait. I want to be by somebody's side I mean, I want to be your bodyguard. I can't thank you enough. Is there, like, Pilates homework you haven't been doing? You know, today was the first day since the incident that I've felt like my old self. Just knowing I had someone watching over me gave me the freedom to get out there and live my life again. What do you mean, "get out there?" You didn't go anywhere. Is this what you do every day? Well, I used to go to the mall, but I don't see myself doing that anytime soon. Of course, now that I have a bodyguard, I guess anything's possible. Ok. Well, see you tomorrow. See me tomorrow? You're gonna see me all night. I want to feel those beady little piggy eyes on me while I sleep. I don't know. Maybe I'm not thinking big enough. Bugs needs something big and dramatic. That's it! That's what I'll get Bugs for our anniversary. Oh, it's perfect. He'll love that. Uhh. No, wait. I can't just get him one. That'll look weird. I'll have to get him the whole set. But then, 3? Is that too much pyramid? Maybe that's a little too much pyramid. Ooh, what about that? No. That wouldn't be good. A pet is a lot of responsibility. He's already got Taz. Man, this beach goes on forever. Excuse me? How far 'till we get to the ocean? Eesh. And I thought the French were rude. Uh-oh. Sliding. Sliding, uh, off the hump. Um--uh, person? Person with the leash? Sand in my mouth. A lot of hot sand in my mouth. You gonna get that? Why would I get it? Because you're my bodyguard. What if something happened to me when I answered it? The cord could get wrapped around my neck. It's a cordless phone. Just get it. Hello? It's the police. Since we don't have a lot to go on, we'd like you to look through these mug shots and see if you recognize anyone that might have taken your purse. Handbag. Ma'am, relax. We're just trying to help. Nope. Nope, uh-uh. Hm. Can I see that one again? Aha! I recognize this guy. So this is the guy who took your handbag? No. He's my neighbor. But someone's gotta pay. That's not how it works. I need closure. Well, sometimes, to help a victim access memories they may have suppressed due to trauma, we use hypnosis. Here. This is the name of the therapist we use. Who's this guy? My bodyguard. I think Bugs already has one of these. Yaah! Hey! I'm sorry! It's just very hard working 24 hours a day. You're my 2:00? You're my therapist? I thought you were a witch. Well, some of us gotta make a living. We can't all mooch off of Bugs Bunny. Are you my 2:00? Oh. Uh, I'm actually-- Right this way. You're getting very sleepy. When I snap my fingers, you gonna be all hypnotized. So let me get this straight. When the cops can't do their jobs, they rely on voodoo-- Let's go back to the day your purse was stolen. Handbag. It's a handbag. What do you mean, I've exceeded my sample limit? Where does it say anything about a sample limit? Good, you're there. Now where's your handbag? It was hanging on the back of my chair. But now it's gone. Ok. Ok. Now look around. What do you see? He's got it. That man. That man's got my handbag. - Who's got it? - I can't tell. I can't make him out. Well, you gotta try. He's in a dark jacket. Good, good. What else? His name's on the back. Ok! Can you read it? I don't know. I think it's in Spanish. "Mal Secur. " Mal Secura. His name is Mal Securati. Is this the name on the back of the jacket? Yes! That's it. Mal Securati. You fool! This says "mall security. " I bet your purse is in the lost and found. Wait. So I wasn't the victim of a violent crime? The only victim here is me for having to sit here with you wasting my time. Now, get on out of here. Guess I won't be needing a bodyguard anymore. Mmmmmm. "Mal Securati. " I can't thank you enough. I didn't realize I had been suppressing so much for so long. It's all so clear now. I'll see you next week. - Where were you? - Daffy, we need to talk. I can't be your bodyguard anymore. - Ok. - Wow. That was easier than I thought. Ok. Also, if we're gonna be friends, I need you to treat me like an equal. No way. Now, give me a ride to the mall. I've got to pick up my handbag. Well, one out of two isn't bad. Ha ha. Baby steps, huh? - Here. - What? It's nothing. I mean, you deserve a gift that's as amazing as you are. And I looked everywhere, believe me. But I just ran out of time. So A shirt. Wow. Thank you. I love it. You do? Sure. I'd love anything you gave me. Oh! Happy anniversary, bun-bun. Sowhere's my present? Oh. Uh, it's In the car. I left it in the car. Be right back. Go ahead and order dessert. I parked really far away. Anniversary? Where am I gonna get a gift at this hour? Perfect. Now I have a day bag and an evening bag. Aah! My purse! I mean, my clutch! Someone stole my clutch. Help! Stop him! He's got my clutch! Hoo! Why does this keep happening to me? Man, this thing's small. Can barely fit my credit card. Wait a second. We met on a tennis court. - So? - In July. It's April. Last night wasn't our anniversary. Oh. Right. Yes. Wait. Then why were you buying a purse? Oh, I haven't seen these in years. Look at this. Oh, it's wonder--oh. Here I am with Lauren Hutton and a then-unknown Bo Derek. And yes, that's a Bob Mackie jumpsuit.