Sheesh! Cab, Bob?

(Audience murmuring)

Shh!

Bob!

Hey! Whoo!

(Whistles) Bob! Hey, I think you missed a spot!

Oh, never mind.

That's just your mustache!

(Laughing)

Ka-boom!

Ha-ha. Ha-ha, Jimmy! Good one.

Uh, at least I could grow one.

You can't!

Gene? Louise?

How about a "ka-boom"?

You can do better than that, dad.

Yeah, step it up.

Okay, you do better.

Give me something.

How about, I don't know...

Nice shoes, Jimmy. Do they make them for men, too? Ha!

That's, uh... that's good.

Hey, Ji...

Oh. They're gone.

God, I hate Jimmy Pesto with his crappy food and all his... customers.

Oh, forget about your silly rivalry for one minute.

Bob, listen, come here.

Tina's birthday's coming up, and I think we should do something special since she's turning 13.

This is the year she becomes a woman.

Yeah, I don't want to hear this.

Bob, she deserves a special party this year.

If what it says in her diary is true, then I'd say she needs it. A lot.

It's true.

Wait. You read her diary?

Yeah.

What I can stomach.

I just skim it to make sure she's not on drugs.

What... what does it say?

It says, "I'm not on drugs."

It's pretty rough.

But she thinks things will really turn around this year.

Yeah, she dubbed it the "year of Tina."

Why is everyone reading her diary?

It's well-written.

She's better on the page than in person.

And what if the Nazis get us, and it's all we have of our family?

Okay, fine. We'll make this birthday extra-special.

All right.

Tina, sweetie, come here. Yeah?

Listen, baby, we'd like you to have and extra-special 13th birthday party.

So take your time, and think about what would make the perfect party.

I'd like it to be a boy-girl party.

Mm-hmm. Mm.

With mingling.

I want to close the restaurant and invite my whole class over.

No.

And I want there to be a dj, and dancing, and a smoke machine, mmm-mm.

And about two hours into the party, I want there to be a moment where I see Jimmy Jr.

Across the room hmm.

And we're pulled toward each other.

Mmm-mm.

We meet under the disco ball, mm. And we kiss until our bodies and souls become one.

Oh, God.

And it's my first kiss.

Mm.

And it's perfect, and I remember it forever.

Freak.

Scary.

Wow. You've really put some thought into it.

That, uh, sounds expensive.

And I could do without the kissing Pesto's kid part.

Oh. It's okay, I guess I wasn't meant to have a good life.

Bob, a word?

Now?

Not now.

Now.

All right.

You want to kiss Jimmy Pesto Jr.?

Yes. A lot.

Many times.

I can help you. I'll be your kissing coordinator.

It's my birthday present to you.

Yeah, I think I know how to kiss.

Ow! Do ya?

You think you know how to kiss?

You know how to lock lips, huh?

Do ya? Ow!

You think you know what it feels like to kiss a man, Tina?!

If you don't know what you're doing out there, you could get yourself killed.

Or worse! Ow, ow!

STDS, Tina, have you heard of them?

Have you heard of herpes?

Have you? Yes. Yes.

Do you know what herpes feels like on your mouth? Yes.

What? What is it? What?

Like, um, cuts on your mouth.

That sounds right.

Sla... I'm gonna slap gene.

Ow!

Closing down the restaurant, getting a smoke machine, and a dj? That's gonna add up.

We have nothing extra this month, lin.

Well, we got to do what we got to do.

Look at her.

Bob: She's so awkward.

She's a good girl.

Okay. I'll talk to Fischoeder about getting an extension on the rent.

(Horn blowing)

It's foggy.

Yes, it is.

Are you there?

I am.

(Exhales sharply)

Why are we here in the fog?

I-I wanted to meet you, and then you told me to meet you here.

Oh, that's right.

It was a good idea.

I love the fog.

Listen, Mr. Fischoeder, I know we talked about never doing this again, but if you can just give us two extra weeks this month on the rent...

I'm going to have to stop you right there, Bob.

Were-were you going to follow that up with anything?

No.

Oh.

Oh, I love the way the fog feels under my cape.

Uh, right. I'll get going.

Bob, listen. What do you think of this?

What if I don't give you an extension on your rent, but I do give you the opportunity to earn some extra money in one of my side businesses?

That sounds...

Sketchy.

Oh, it is, Bob.

Oh.

But you get to wear this hat.

Oh!

So, for the next week, I'll be driving a taxicab to pay for Tina's party.

And I'll be wearing this hat.

Cool! Cool!

Cool hat or job?

Job. Hat.

Thank you, dad.

This party is gonna sizzle.

(Imitates sizzling)

Stop it.

Wait, wait.

Bob, Bobby. Yes?

When are you going to have time to drive a cab?

Well, I'll work the full day at the restaurant, lin, then I'll go drive the cab from 10:00 P.M.

To 6:00 A.M.

Aww, Bob.

All right, all right.

Wait. Why do you have to wear a hat?

Just let this be fun for me.

Dad, you won't regret this.

When I kiss Jimmy Jr.

Under the disco ball, it'll be like we're all kissing Jimmy Jr.

Under the disco ball.

I call first.

Really?

Well, if I'm gonna kiss him, I don't want to go after you guys.

I'll go last. I'm fine with that.

We're not kissing Jimmy Jr.

Yes, we are!

That's ten pieces of gum, Tina.

Chew! Chew!

A kiss is like a fight with mouths.

And... time.

Spit.

I'm going to destroy this kiss.

(Moaning, grunts)

Ow!

Not yet.

There's my Johnny two-jobs.

Making money for the dream birthday party.

(Groans) Okay.

Off into the night I go.

Bobby, be safe out there.

And make chitchat.

You'll get more tips.

Yeah, and keep the meter running.

Watch out for pukers.

And stay away from route one.

It's bumper-to-bumper all the way to the interstate.

Tina, how did you know that?

I like traffic updates.

Why?

I like when they say "bumper-to-bumper."

"Bumper-to-bumper"?

(Sighs) Wow.

Yeah. Uh, bye.

(Grunts)

Stupid beaded seat cover.

Ooh, okay.

I get it.

Fm. Nice.

Hey, guess what?

You're my first fare.

Oh, no!

No. Oh.

(Vomiting continues)

(Gagging)

Uh, where to, ladies?

Fourth and ocean, doll.

Thanks for stopping.

Most cabbies are too prudish to pick us up.

(Chuckles)

And, uh, that's because you are...?

Fabulous!

(All laughing) That's true.

Well...

You're clearly fabulous.

Yeah.

Yes.

Hey, eyes on the road, mister.

Yeah, stop staring at us.

This ain't no library.

Don't fall in love, Mr. cabdriver.

You can't afford us.

Hey, who's picking up who here?

(Chuckling)

Hey. Don't worry, ladies.

I'm-I'm kidding.

I'm, uh, I'm a married man.

So am I.

(Bob laughing)

Bob: Oh.

Now, Tina, anyone can tie a cherry stem with their tongue.

Let's see what you can do with this banana peel.

Get-get it in there.

(Groans)

Bobby! Good morning.

You're home.

Yeah. Guess who learned a lot about transvestites last night.

I was only on that web site for, like, two seconds.

What? No. I was talking about me.

I picked up a group of transvestite hookers who showed me a side of this town I never knew existed.

And, gene, you're banned from the computer for two days.

After what I saw, I'm-I'm fine with that.

(Muffled): What's a transvestite hooker?

Bob, I'm not sure this is appropriate breakfast conversation.

(Yawning): I guess you're right.

Maybe I should just try and go to sleep.

Uh...

(Snoring)

Gene, honey, I think he's sleeping.

I have to go to school.

Shh, shh. Just hold still.

Ew. Is this drool or sweat?

It's both. Your father is a very moist sleeper.

(Groans)

Aw, look at my two boys.

(Gags) Nice.

Oh, a bow.

Let's put that on dad's head.

There's your transvestite.

Get the camera.

I'm having a birthday party this Saturday.

It's co-ed.

Because I'm becoming a woman.

Co-ed?

My hands just got clammy.

Hey, Jimmy Jr.

Hi, Tina.

This is an invitation to my birthday party.

Hey, I notice you haven't RSVP'd to my party yet.

Um, I need to ask my dad for permission.

Can I let you know later?

Sure, okay.

Butt.

♪ Across 110th street ♪ ♪ pimps trying to catch a woman that's weak ♪ ♪ across 110th street ♪ ♪ pushers won't let the junkie go free ♪ ♪ across 110th street... ♪

Oh, how you holding up, Bob?

Good. I mean, I'm tired.

And, um, I might be a pimp.

You're gonna need a bigger hat.

Well, you're still father of the year. Hmm.

Tina's party's gonna be amazing.

I got a disco ball and streamers.

It's gonna be like Buckingham Palace.

Yeah, yeah.

Studio 54.

(Laughing) Those are two very different examples.

Well, you get the idea.

You know. It's a party.

So, is Tina happy?

Uh, she'll be happier once Jimmy Jr. RSVPs.

She's over at Pesto's right now to see if he'll come.

I told her to show some skin.

(Tina sobbing)

So, how'd it go?

Jimmy Jr. isn't coming to my birthday party even though he wants to because his dad won't let him.

All because our dads hate each other.

Oh. Sorry, Tina.

I'll never know how soft Jimmy Jr.'s lips are.

My guess is, they're pretty soft.

(Groans) Like, a...

Like a Kitty cat's tummy.

Gene, stop.

Without Jimmy Jr., I don't want to have a party.

Hey. Your father's been working very hard for this party, young lady.

It's going to happen.

Right, Bob?

(Snoring)

I'll refrost it.

It's still good.

Mmm. Oh, it's delicious.

(Muttering)

Tina, honey, your father's been working his you-know-what off, driving a cab to pay for this.

Yeah, and we've rented the smoke machine, so this party is definitely happening.

You've been working your you-know-what off?

I've been working my ass off!

Night and day training!

Louise, take it easy.

Do you know what she was like when I started working with her?

She was a sick joke!

Now look at her!

Gene: Incoming.

Bob, you gotta go talk some sense into Jimmy Pesto.

This isn't fair.

Fine.

Jimmy: Uh, hey, Bob.

You look like crap.

(Laughing) Nice.

Yeah, that was funny.

Look, Jimmy, my daughter Tina said that Jimmy Jr. isn't allowed to go to her birthday party.

Whatever issues we have shouldn't matter.

Just please let Jimmy Jr. go.

Okay. Okay.

You know it's going to cost you, right?

Oh, God.

Yeah, you see, Bob, I'm a collector of rare and exotic trophies.

Well, that's pathetic.

And you have something I want to add to my collection.

Your mustache.

Your bushy, robust, filthy eyesore of a moustache.

What are you talking about?

I want you to shave your mustache, and bring it over in a baggie, and I'll pin it on the wall.

What? Why?

As a trophy.

Trophies.

Well, I'm not giving you my mustache.

Well, I'm not giving you Jimmy Jr. then.

This is crazy, just let him go to my daughter's party.

If you want a bag of hair so bad, why don't you just pick it out of the food you serve here?

Ka-boom!

How dare you.

No 'stache, no bash.

So, what'd he say, honey?

Are these lips gonna see any playing time?

Yeah, is Jimmy Jr.

Coming to my party?

No, Tina. I'm sorry, he's not.

(Groans)

What happened? You two couldn't work it out?

No! We couldn't work it out, Linda.

He said the only way he'll let Jimmy Jr. go is if I shave my mustache and give it to him.

So Jimmy Jr. can come to my party?

What? No, Tina.

But if all you have to do is shave your mustache then he can come.

Yeah, it sounds to me like you just said that Jimmy Jr. can come.

That's what I heard.

Done deal.

I'm not shaving my mustache.

It's my mustache!

Hey, no, watch it.

You know, Bobby, you're just as handsome without the mustache. Kind of.

Uh, so that's what we should show our kids, lin-- that it's okay to negotiate with terrorists?

I'd drive a cab every night for the rest of my life for my kids, but I'm not letting Jimmy Pesto humiliate me.

You're the most selfish father in the world.

Oh, Bob.

Good night!

You can't shave it, Bob.

It's glorious.

Oh, I miss having a mustache.

Pff. Miss it?

Honey, news flash...

I can see it from here.

You can see it from space.

Stop it, cha-cha.

I will thumb your eyeballs out of your skull. Ay!

Hey, come on.

Glitter, your... I happen to like the way your upper lip looks.

Thank you, prince Valiant.

Your shift's almost over, right, papi?

Yea... uh, yeah it is.

Why don't you join us for a beer?

Yeah.

Yeah.

We'll throw back a few beers and smoke some crack.

Crack?

Just the beer, then?

What is that?

Ooh, your breath!

I know.

Bobby, listen.

Hmm?

All right, I talked to Tina, I told her how hard you've been working, and she agreed to come to the party tonight.

For a few minutes.

It's something.

What party?

Bob, you're delirious.

Shh. You are.

You're drunk.

I may or may not have tried crack.

Okay. Last night.

I don't think I did.

But if I did, I liked it.

Okay, Bobby, listen, go take a nap, and I'll watch the restaurant, please.

Take off your clothes.

Bobby!

I got to go to bed.

Bobby?

I don't want to do this.

Stop it.

Get your hands off me, sick idiot.

Such a freak.

Pull it together.

(Groaning)

I'm like an animal!

Keep your voice down.

I'm like king Kong!

Unbelievable.

I need to go to bed.

Good night.

Go get me special pillow.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Hey, sleepy bear.

What time is it?

How much longer till the party?

It started a half hour ago.

What? Ow! Oh.

You let me sleep all day?

Why didn't you wake me up?

I tried. That was not the first pickle I dropped on your face.

Oh.

The boys hate dancing, and the girls won't ask the boys.

It's a Mexican stalemate out there.

Come on, boys. You're the peanut butter.

Girls, you're the jelly.

Let's make some sandwiches!

Oh, God, why is mort doing magic?

It's his gift to Tina.

Uh-oh.

I mean, ta-da!

Bob: Whoa.

Tina, you look... great.

(Sighs)

Maybe I can cheer her up.

Louise, smoke me.

(Whooping)

Tina, dance with mommy.

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

It's a party.

All right!

Did someone say party?

They don't go to my school.

I'm sorry, ladies. We're closed for a private party.

We were invited by Bob.

Bob?

You invited transvestite prostitutes to our daughter's birthday party?

No. Maybe. I...

This week has been kind of a blur.

All of you are coming to my daughter's party.

We're gonna have so much fun.

And bring whoever you want.

(Cheering)

I might have thrown it out there.

Is this the sweet 13 party?

Dad, you brought all your nighttime friends, but you won't shave your mustache to get me Jimmy Jr.?

(Sighs)

Where do I put my coat?

Oh, hey, marshmallow.

So, marshmallow, how'd you get your name?

'Cause if you show me a sweet potato pie, I am on top of it.

I knew it!

Tina, I know you're upset because Jimmy Jr.'s not here, and that there are more transvestites than you imagined, but...

Unless you're Jimmy Jr., and you're here to kiss my lips, I don't want to talk to you.

Come on, girl.

It's your party!

You might as well enjoy it.

It's like I always say.

When life gives you lemons...

Tuck em'!

Uh, I think what my girlfriend here is trying to say is, when it's time for you to blossom into a woman, you can't let anything stop you.

Not a party, not a boy, and not a town full of doctors who refuse to remove your pen1s.

And you have a very good father, baby.

Never forget that.

It's true.

Not many fathers would make the sacrifices your father made to throw you this party.

Working two jobs.

The things he saw.

The things he smelled.

He deserves an award.

Bob, what'd you do?

You lost your nose cozy.

Oh, Bob.

You made yourself ugly to save Tina's party.

Yes, Linda, this is why I didn't want to do it.

But you know, it's worth it if it means Tina will be a happy teenager.

Just stop staring.

Stop! Don't do this.

I... just did it.

You don't need to.

I don't want you to.

You know how mustaches work, right?

Well, don't give it to Jimmy Pesto.

What about Jimmy Jr.?

Jimmy Jr. isn't gonna make this party perfect.

You already have.

Really?

I'm sorry I didn't appreciate everything you've done for me.

I didn't appreciate it as a girl, but I do appreciate it as a woman.

It would have been nice to hear you say that a minute ago.

b*st*rd.

Come and join the party, Bob.

That's Jimmy Pesto, cha-cha.

The guy I was telling you about.

Wait. That's Jimmy Pesto?!

I know that guy.

We all know that guy.

But we know him as baby num num.

Baby num num?

Wait. Pesto is one of your dates?

He wishes.

We run in the same circles.

He's a regular over at the desire dungeon.

He's what's known as a diaper-lover.

You know what that is?

It's nasty.

(Chuckling)

Jimmy Pesto is a diaper-lover?

Ha, ha, ha.

Hello, Bob.

Well, I see I'm getting my trophy after all.

Bup, bup, bup, bup.

Not so fast, baby num num.

(Gasps) Baby...

How do you know about that?

(Laughs) Hey, baby.

Pesto: Oh.

Hi!

No. (Laughs)

We just wanted to see if "wittle" baby num num...

Shh. Come on. Quiet.

Wanted to change his mind about letting Jimmy Jr.

Go to Tina's party.

Or maybe he wants the whole "westaurant" to know about...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on. Hey! We got...

Fresh pie! ...

How he likes to put on...

Listen, would you...?

...Diapers and poop in them.

♪ ♪

(Gasps)

I don't believe it.

Thanks, dad.

You're the best pimp I'm ever gonna have.

I've been waiting to hear those words all my life, Tina.

Happy Birthday.

Bobby, come help me with the candles.

Gene: This one goes out to the birthday girl.

Pardon me. Birthday woman.

♪ If you were here ♪

I like your shirt.

Are those snaps?

Yes. Snap.

One more.

Snap.

Both: Want to dance?

Both: Yes.

It's go time, Tina.

I want his kids to have hickeys.

(Fireworks popping)

♪ But would you suspect ♪ ♪ my emotion wandering, yeah? ♪

I just kissed my first boy.

Me, too.

Oh, boo hoo.

Mmm!

Mmm.

Hurry up and grow that thing back.

I know. It's bad.

Now! Concentrate!

Push it out.

I'm trying, lin.

Oh, let me cover it with my finger.

That's okay.

I'm gonna glue this to my chest so I can wear v-necks.

Glue it to your back!

Oh, glue it to your palm.

♪ ♪