ArTHOR / The Big Fang Theory

(Segment begins at the place Asgard, the scene goes to somebody sleeping in bed snoring, the clock that says "9:29" turns into "9:30" and makes an alarm sound, a person in bed breaks it with hammer, Odin walks in and turns light off and on)

ArTHOR: Dad, I just want to sleep more.

Odin: You are a vain, greedy, and cruel boy.

(ArTHOR is heard snoring)

Odin: You aren't worthy. (Odin picks up the hammer with power) And until you learn how to conduct yourself like an adult, I cast you off.

(Odin gets a magic wand and casts it on the bed making him land in the middle of the desert)

(Scene goes to the man getting up and Rango appearing)

Rango: Well, you just crash landed in dirt. who are you?

ArTHOR: I am a god. But you can call me... ArTHOR. Yeah, I said it.

(Scene goes to title card "ArTHOR" with rain and thunder pouring.)

(Scene goes to Rango and ArTHOR trying to get a ride)

Rango: A god? Well, you must be invulnerable.

ArTHOR: Yes, but- (HONK! BUMP!) It still hurts.

(ArTHOR gets up looking hurt)

Jane Foster: Is this yours?

(She picks up the dismembered arm)

ArTHOR: No, but I think I know whose it is. I'll just hold it for him.

(Scene goes to "Dirt Dinner")

Jane Foster: I can't believe you're a god from another world.

ArTHOR: So? I can't believe you took a job with Ashton Kutcher. Doesn't mean it ain't true.

Jane Foster: You seem so un-godlike.

ArTHOR: That's because my dad cut me off from my power until I learn how to act more responsibly.

Jane Foster: Like how?

ArTHOR: You know, get a job, marry my fiancee, pick up a check every now and then.

Tammy: I'll take the bill whenever you're ready.

(ArTHOR begins to slide the bill to Jane)

ArTHOR: (Whistles)

(ArTHOR slides it to Jane again)

ArTHOR: Ahem.

(Scene goes to "Jim's Boxing Gym" with a bell dings)

(ArTHOR is seen warming up by punching)

Rango: ArTHOR, we need to find you a job.

ArTHOR: I'm taking boxing lessons from my new friend Captain America.

Captain America: You looking for a job? Maybe you could join S.H.I.E.L.D. like me.

ArTHOR: Oh, but I don't have a shield like you.

Captain America: You don't need a shield, it's just a name.

ArTHOR: I have wings like you. I could join a group called W.I.N.G.S. if you'd like.

(Short silence)

Rango: He, uhh, he don't got to be smart for this job, does he?

(Scene goes to S.H.I.E.L.D.'s headquarters building)

Phil Coulson: So you have what it takes to join S.H.I.E.L.D, but your references are a girl you just met and a chameleon.

Chameleon: Whoops.

(Chameleon changes back into Rango)

Rango: (Acting nervously) This is definitely not a secret plan to infiltrate S.H.I.E.L.D., by the way. (Laughs nervously)

Phil Coulson: Oh. Well, ok, then. You're in.

Rango: Now you just have to marry your fiancee.

ArTHOR: But I don't love her, Rango. I love Jane.

(ArTHOR holds Jane's hands and little hearts appear near Jane)

Rango: Then we'll just have to explain it to her.

ArTHOR: That's not going to be easy.

Rango: Well, why not?

(Rumbling can be heard)

(ArTHOR and Rango see through the window)

ArTHOR: That's my fiancee.

(Scene goes to the Destroyer wrecking the city)

The Destroyer: (Roars)

Rango: Whoa! Is that an enchanted suit of armor?

ArTHOR: Yeah, her mother wore it at her wedding, now she wants to wear it at ours. Blah blah blah.

(Scene goes to the Destroyer wrecking the city)

Rango: Uh, excuse me. I know this isn't easy to hear, but ArTHOR loves someone else now.

(The Destroyer opens helmet and shoots flames at Rango, leaving him burned)

ArTHOR: Are you OK?

(Rango falls down not saying a word)

Jane Foster: ArTHOR, help!

(Scene goes to the Destroyer with Jane in its hand onto a construction site building)

Jane Foster: Save me! Aah!

(Scene goes to Mario and Donkey Kong eating lunch)

ArTHOR: Excuse me, sir. I need to borrow this.

(Scene goes to ArTHOR trying to save Jane in a Donkey Kong (Video Game) style; also, video game sounds are heard)

(ArTHOR saves Jane and the Destroyer climbs up stairs.)

(ArTHOR jumps down to Rango and Phil Coulson)

Jane Foster: You did it, ArTHOR.

ArTHOR: Now my power can be restored.

(Hammer falls on ArTHOR's head)

ArTHOR: Thanks, dad.

(Segment ends)

Announcer: This summer, hide your picnic baskets, 'cause he's not just smarter than the average bear, but he also has a few tricks on his sleeve.

Announcer: Yu-Gi-Bear! Watch as Yu-Gi-Bear battles Ranger Smith.

Ranger Smith: You'll never get that family's picnic basket Yugi.

Yu-Gi-Bear: Try and stop me Ranger.

Yu-Gi-Bear and Ranger Smith: Let's duel!

Woman: I think we have enough for everyone actually.

Announcer: Yu-Gi-Bear!

Ranger Smith: I attack you with the Amazon of the Seas.

Yu-Gi-Bear: Hehehe, but I play with a Smarter-Than-the-Average-Bear trap card.

KA-POW!

Man: Uh, okay. So is that it?

Yu-Gi-Bear: Hahahahahahaha, not even close.

Man: Huh, Better pass me a sandwich then.

Announcer: Yu-Gi-Bear! Is it packed with excitement?

Ranger Smith: I special summon Giga Plant which has 2400 attack points.

Announcer: Does a bear play collectable card games in the woods?

Yu-Gi-Bear: Clever strategy, but I play Boo-Boo my Boy Dragon.

Boo-Boo my Boy Dragon: Good move Yugi.

Yu-Gi-Bear: A card with 3000 attack points, that when on the field, allows me to-

Ranger Smith: Uh, actually they left.

Yu-Gi-Bear: Oh, hmm.

Yu-Gi-Bear and Ranger Smith: Yu-Gi-Bear!

Announcer: Yu-Gi-Bear!

(Segment begins with Edward Cullen)

Edward Cullen: I'm in love with you, Bella. If only I knew how to talk to humans.

Jacob Black: Would you please not write your diary on the giant chalkboard?

Crowd: (Laughing)

(Edward Cullen blushes while the crowd laughs)

(The scene goes to the opening title with faces and Edward and Jacob fighting each other and the them with Bella sitting)

Narrator: (With opening title) ♫ Vampires, werewolves, fighting over pretty girls, it all started with a big fang. ♫

(Title card: "The Big Fang Theory" with a wolf howling offscreen)

(Scene resumes to Jacob and Edward)

Jacob Black: The chalkboards are for equations to solve problems. Like mine.

(Scene goes to the chalkboard with Jacob's equation, which said "Bella + Edward - Edward = Bella + Jacob?")

Crowd: (Laughs when it goes to "Bella + Jacob?")

Edward Cullen: Hey, is that your tail?

Jacob Black: What? Where?

(Jacob hits Edward with tail accidently)

Jacob Black: (Chasing his tail) Oh, I'm gonna catch the heck out of that.

(Edward hits Jacob with pan knocking him unconscious. Also crowd laughs)

Crowd: (Laughs)

(The scene goes to a moon with food (Peppers and tables) flying)

(Scene goes to Bella and Edward walking to her)

Bella Swan: Ugh. Is this still broken?

Edward Cullen: Oh, hey, Bella. Do you want me to carry you?

Bella Swan: I guess so.

(Edward takes Bella and takes her from the 1st floor to the 3rd floor. Also the crowd laughs)

Crowd: (laughter)

Edward Cullen: So, uh, you want to- you want to, like, go out for dinner?

Bella Swan: Ugh. That sounds so lame. So sure. Why not?

Crowd: (Short Laughter)

Edward Cullen: Great. I'll meet you back here in a minute.

(Edward goes through the door leaving a bat symbol on it. Also the crowd laughts)

Crowd: (Laughter)

(Scene goes to Edward, in a tux, putting on perfume that makes him handsome. Also the crowd laughs when he looks handsome)

Crowd: (Laughs)

Jacob Black: Where are you going? A mope in the woods?

Edward Cullen: For your information, I have a date with Bella.

Jacob Black: What?

Edward Cullen: I asked her to dinner, and she said- and I quote- (Sounding depressed) "Eh, why not?"

Crowd: (Laughs when Edward said "Eh, why not" in a depressed way)

Edward Cullen: Heh. See you, wolf butt!

(Scene goes to Jacob Black as Edward walks out)

(Scene goes to the same moon again but this time with sausages and cheese flying.)

(Scene goes to Edward and Bella in a table at the dinner)

Waiter: So that's an order of hot broth for the lady, and for the gentleman, absolutely nothing.

(Waiter walks away)

Waiter: (Talking to himself) Really glad I came in tonight.

Crowd: (Short Laughter)

(Mysterious dog falls between Bella and Edward. Also the crowd worrys)

Crowd: Ooh.

Jacob Black (Dog): (he uses his tail to hit Edward, again) Rello. Ran I write your order?

Crowd: (Laughter)

Edward Cullen: Jacob?

Jacob Black (Dog): (Gasps) Row'd you rnow?

Edward Cullen: Uh, because other than natureboy Ric Flair, you're the only other guy I know who could turn into a wolf.

(Scene backs out to the people of the restaurant)

Ric Flair: Whoo!

Crowd: (Laughter)

Waiter: You know, you can also just ask for the check.

Crowd: (Laughter)

(Scene resumes to Edward and Jacob (Who is still in wolf disguise))

Edward Cullen: Now get out.

Jacob Black (Dog): Make me, deadwad.

Edward Cullen: (Growling)

(Edward and Jacob begin to fight on the table)

Bella Swan: Stop it.

(Edward and Jacob stop and Jacob spits out apple. Also crowd laughs)

Crowd: (Laughter)

Bella Swan: I- I'm...(Sighs)

Edward Cullen: See? She's choked up with love for me.

Jacob Black (Dog): No. She's conflicted because she really loves me.

Bella Swan: No, I'm bummed because I'd rather be working with Ashton Kutcher.

Ric Flair: Whoo!

(Crowd Laughs and segment ends)

5-second Cartoon
(5-Second Cartoon segment begins with ArTHOR, Jane, Rango and Phil, basically where we left off)

ArTHOR: Isn't there supposed to be a special cameo or something after the credits?

Phil Coulson: Sorry, we ran out of money in the budget.

(The crew walks away)

(Meanwhile, the scene goes to a mysterious person looking like Nick Fury facing backwards only revealing a bald head and jacket)

Crowd: (Cheers)

(Mysterious Person that looks like Nick Fury turns around only to see Alfred's head.)

Crowd: Oh.

(Segment ends again)