Mart of Darkness

(opening theme song)

(Lane kitchen. Tom is searching through a cupboard while Jane is at the table, working a sculpture)

Jane - Oh. Oh, yeah. The magic is happening now.

(Tom shakes an empty box, returns it to the cupboard and closes the doors)

Tom - What magic? I'm not gonna end up turned into frog, am I?

Jane - Fear not, oh Prince of the Suburbs.

(Tom crosses room to a bowl full of gummy bears)

Tom - I hate it when there's a famine and nobody tells me. (he starts eating the candy)

Jane - You know Mom, she doesn't like to clutter up the kitchen with food. Now, all it needs is a little color and, voila! I'll just make the deadline for the art fair.

(Jane crosses to the counter that the bowl of gummy bears had been on)

Jane - You haven't seen my art supplies, have you? I left them here in a bowl.

(Tom has a "kid caught in the cookie jar" look while holding the bowl)

Tom - Oops.

Jane - Dammit!

(Tom sheepishly grins, showing candy-stained teeth)

(Quinn's room. She is seated on her bed, talking on the cordless phone and filling a drawstring handbag with items)

Quinn - So then, Brooke showed up at the party in acid-washed jeans and tried to pass them off as retro. (pause) I know! Who knows what she'll have on at the barbeque. Banana clips?

(Stacy, in VO, laughs along with Quinn. Quinn pulls the drawstring on the bag and it breaks)

Quinn - Oh no! Oh, my God! Oh no, accessory emergency. Stacy, I have to go. (pause) No Stacy, it's not you. It's not. It's not! Okay, fine! It is you! (VO of Stacy crying) Bye!

(Morgendorffer living room. Daria, with her boots off and propped up on the coffee table, is watching television. On the TV screen is a man in overalls looking reverently at a chocolate bar)

SSW Announcer - A vision of Christ in a half-eaten candy bar? Talk about "My Sweet Lord!" The Immaculate Confection! Next, on Sick, Sad World.

(The telephone rings and Daria picks up a cordless phone next to her and answers. While she talks, Quinn sneaks up behind her)

Daria (to phone) - I'm sorry, but Quinn's in Kenya on safari. Good...oh. Hey.

(Jane's room. She's sitting on the floor, leaning against her bed)

Jane - Want to go to that new warehouse store with me to pick up some more art supplies? I hear they've got a state-of-the-art linoleum floor.

(Quinn crawls along floor to Daria's boots and steals one)

Daria - Thanks, but I think I'll stay here, flat on my state-of-the-art ass.

Jane (VO) - Come on, you have to come with me. There's safety in twos.

Daria - What about Tom?

Jane - Actually, we got in a fight and he stormed out. Took the kids too, the bastard.

Daria (VO) - What happened?

Jane - I'd rather not talk about it.

(Quinn crawls back with the boot, sans lace, and puts it back where it was. She stands and pulls her handbag closed, using Daria's shoelace as the drawstring)

Daria - Then what's the fun of getting together?

Jane (VO) - Come on, I'll buy you a slice, after.

(Quinn exits)

Daria - I guess I can pick up this lying around project again tomorrow. I just hope I don't lose my momentum.

(Daria picks up boots to put them on and looks puzzled at the missing lace)

(Payday warehouse store. Daria and Jane walk across the parking lot to the entrance)

Jane - So, you reached for your boot and the lace was gone. The kid is sick, I tell you. What could she possibly want with a bootlace?

Daria - Maybe someone wore plaids with stripes and the Fashion Club's planning a hanging.

(Near the entrance, they look up at the "Grand Opening" banner. A man exiting the store with his arms full of stuff stumbles and drops a large jar of pickles at Daria's feet, splattering them)

Daria - How many slices are you buying me?

Jane - Let's just make it a pie.

(Thompson house. In the back yard, teachers, parents and teens are mingling for a barbeque. Doug Thompson, carrying a bag of hamburger buns like a football, charges out to the very large grill)

Doug - Doug Thompson scores and lifts his buns high in the air! (laughs) Hey folks, welcome to the annual Lawndale High football barbeque. Grab some food, make yourself at home, and feel free to toss around the old pigskin. And if she objects, use a football. (laughs)

Ms. Barch - I see where Kevin gets his charm.

Jamie - Yeah, Mr. Thompson's funny.

Ms. Barch - Oh, shut up.

Jamie - Okay.

(Mr. DeMartino tries to quietly raid the food table. Ms. Li runs up to stop him)

Ms. Li - Halt! Mr. DeMartino, you know very well that you are no longer allowed to consume food at school functions, what with your abysmal behavior at last year's bake sale. Loading up your trunk with leftover bundt cake.

Mr. DeMartino - Ms, Li. I explained to you at the time that I was merely trying to stretch a food budget drawn tight!

Ms. Li - Drawn tight by what?

Mr. DeMartino - By trying to make ends meet on a shoeshine boy's salary! Now get out of my way. I want chips and dip!

(He plunges his hands into chip bowls)

Ms. Li - Restraining order!

Mr. DeMartino - Aaaaaauuuggghhh!

(Mr. DeMartino holds his head and exits. Mr. O'Neill enters carrying a fruit bowl)

Mr. O'Neill - Was that Anthony? He sounded upset.

Ms. Li - Oh, no. He was telling a very clever joke that ends with a fellow falling onto a spike! Most amusing. (she looks at the food array on the table) Thank you for picking up the food, Timothy. Now, if you'll just give me the receipts so I can...so the school can write it off.

(Mr. O'Neill gives Ms. Li a handful of receipts)

Mr. O'Neill - I must say, it's commendable of the Thompsons to provide us this opportunity to bond with our students in a relaxed setting. Still, I wonder if Mr. Thompson shouldn't be setting, well, a slightly better example.

(Doug is drinking beer directly from the tap of a keg)

Ms. Li - Never mind that. I want you to talk to him about Kevin's grades. We can't afford to have our quarterback suspended for something as petty as academic performance. (to self) Lousy, stinking statewide requirements!

(Ms. Li exits and Mr. O'Neill weakly laughs)

(Doug id at a large grill, pouring way too much lighter fluid onto the charcoal. Mr. O'Neill walks toward him to talk)

Doug - Hey, where's the barbeque sauce? You can't have meat without barbeque sauce! Who's the idiot that picked up the food?

(Mr. O'Neill veers away from Doug as Charlene Thompson walks up to her husband)

Charlene (whispers) - Keep it down, we have company. (normal voice) I'm sure Kevin will be happy to go get some.

(Behind Charlene, Kevin is seated on a swing with Brittany on his lap and the other cheerleaders around them)

Charlene - Besides, he could use a change of scenery.

(Brittany holds up a very cheap-looking heart-shaped pendant)

Brittany - Isn't it beautiful? My Kevie gave it to me to show how much he loves me!

Kevin - Aw, babe. You're like, worth it.

Charlene - Kevin, your father needs you to run to the store for some barbeque sauce.

Brittany - I'll go with you.

Charlene - Oh, Brittany, you don't have to leave the party. Kevin is perfectly capable of bringing back the sauce on his own.

Brittany - But really, Mrs. Thompson, I don't mind.

Charlene - Brittany, read my lips.

Doug (VO) - Yaaaaahhhh!

(Doug is at the now lit grill. His right sleeve is on fire and he's trying to pat it out with his left hand)

Charlene - Damn!

(Charlene goes to Doug)

Brittany - It was, "Damn," right?

(Inside Payday. Kevin is pushing a shopping car past shelves of bulk laundry detergent. Brittany walks beside him)

Brittany - I just love laundry detergent boxes. They're so...happy!

Kevin - Wow, these must be for really big machines.

Brittany - Anyway, what were we supposed to get?

Kevin - Um, I thought you were gonna remember.

Brittany - Me? Your mother told you.

Kevin - Don't sweat it, babe. Whatever it was, we'll remember when we see it. Our memories will go jogging.

Brittany - Okay.

(Daria and Jane inside Payday)

Jane - Wow. I could never get Tom into a store like this.

Daria - And some day, he'll tell me his secret.

Payday Announcer (VO) - Shoppers, it's twelve noon. And that means...the sample stations are open!

(A crowd of customers run to the nearest cart of food samples and start eating)

Payday Employee 1 - One per customer. I said, one free sample per customer.

Daria - Great. A feeding frenzy, and me without any chum.

Jane - This could get ugly.

Daria - You're right. I'll go back to aisle thirty and get some lounge chairs.

(Daria and Jane walk away from the feeding frenzy)

Jane - No time. I've gotta go home and finish my statue or I'll miss the deadline for the art fair.

Daria - Okay, then. Where do you think they hide the bootlaces?

Jane - Hmm. Probably about sixty aisles away from the art supplies. Hey, there's a salesperson, let's ask. (Jane waves at the salesperson) Excuse me, miss?

(Salesperson escapes down an aisle, away from Daria and Jane)

Daria - It's good to know what they save on air vents, they spend on customer relations.

Jane - You don't do well in overheated, overcrowded, grimy warehouse stores, do you?

(Lane living room. Trent opens the front door for Tom)

Trent - Hey, Tom.

Tom - Hi, Trent. Is Jane around?

Trent - You just missed her. She and Daria went to Payday.

Tom - What day?

(Jesse enters)

Trent - You know, that warehouse store that just opened? Hey, that was a pretty good fight you had last night.

Tom - Yeah, sorry we woke you. Do you know where this store is? I figure we should talk.

Jesse (looks away from Tom and shudders) - Ugh.

Trent - Actually, I could take you over there. I need to get a new headlight.

Jesse - Do they have scented candles? I'm all out and I haven't had a bath in a week.

Trent - You're riding in back.

(Thompson back yard. Quinn, Sandi, Tiffany and Sandi enter)

Sandi - This yard is quite unkempt.

Tiffany - I know. They should really get a lawn makeover. And, who are all those old people?

Quinn - They must be Mr. and Mrs. Thompson's friends. Eww! I didn't know that teachers were gonna be here!

(Mrs. Bennett, Ms. Barch and Ms. Li are standing together, and all wearing casual attire and shorts)

Stacy - Ms. Li's legs are bare!

(Mr. O'Neill approaches Doug, Jamie, Joey and Jeffy standing at the grill. Doug's right arm is wrapped in bandages)

Mr. O'Neill - Um, Mr. Thompson...

Doug - Hey! How are ya? (slaps Mr. O'Neill on the back) Call me, Doug.

Mr. O'Neill - Okay, uh, um, Doug. I wanted to talk to you about Kevin.

Doug - He's a great kid, isn't he? (turns to the boys) Hey, did you see the game on Sunday? Did the Cowboys kick ass?

Jamie - Yeah.

Joey - Yeah, kicked ass!

Jeffy - It was awesome, man.

Mr. O'Neill - Of course, what's important is not whether you win or...

(Doug, Jamie, Joey and Jeffy all frown at Mr. O'Neill and there is several seconds of silence)

Mr. O'Neill - Boy they really kicked, um...butt. (forces a laugh)

Jeffy - Yeah, man. They kicked butt!

Joey - Yeah, kicked ass!

Jamie - Totally.

(Inside Payday. Daria, limping, and Jane are walking through the aisles.)

Daria - Great, this stupid boot is giving me a blister.

(They stop at a sample station that has a sign saying "Try a Cheez Log!")

Jane - Cheer up, a little indigestion and you'll forget all about your foot.

Payday Employee 2 - Have a Lincoln Cheese-Flavored Log. Made from the finest ingredients.

(Jane takes one and offers it to Daria)

Jane- Food substitute?

Daria - Call me a purist, but I don't think that cheese should crunch.

Jane - Doesn't the phrase, "beechwood aged" mean anything to you? (To Payday Employee 2) Excuse me, ma'am. Do these finest ingredients include mercury?

Payday Employee 2 - Do you want them to include mercury?

(Jane eats it and cringes in disgust)

Jane - Ugh.

(Jane points past the sample station to the employee she and Daria have been following)

Jane - Hey, there she is! Yo! Wait up!

(Jane runs after the salesperson and Daria walks to follow. The stop at a large display of chocolates, where Mrs. Johansson is trying to get a box off of the top)

Mrs. Johansson - Excuse me, girls, but could one of you get a box of chocolates off of the top of this stack for me? I don't want to topple it.

Daria - Actually, we're kind of in a rush.

Mrs. Johansson - See, my doctor told me not to exert myself suddenly. I had this seizure a while back.

(Jane climbs up a step latter to get the box of chocolate)

Jane - Um, sure.

Mrs. Johansson (sniffs the air) - Oh, cheez logs! I'll be right back.

(Mrs. Johansson exits at a fast walk)

Daria - That seemed pretty sudden.

(Mr. DeMartino is pushing a shopping cart holding a bulk package of toilet paper)

Mr. DeMartino - Hold out, Anthony. It's almost noon! (checks watch) You can do it!

Kevin - Mr. D! I thought you were at the barbeque. What are you doing here?

Mr. DeMartino - I'm sorry if my shopping cart has confused you, Kevin! I'm here for the command performance of Madame Butterfly! In the automotive department!

Brittany - Wow, Kevie. This store really does have everything.

Kevin - No kidding, babe. (to Mr. DeMartino) Have fun at the butterfly show.

(Kevin and Brittany exit)

Mr. DeMartino - Thank you, Kevin. (he sniffs the air) Cheez logs! (checks watch) But...but... (listens to watch) Aaahh! Damn, cheap watch!

(Mr. DeMartino runs toward the smell, abandoning his shopping cart)

(Trent, Tom and Jesse enter Payday)

Tom - Look at this place. I can't believe people actually shop here.

Trent - Kind of cool, huh?

Tom - What would anyone do with that much ketchup?

Jesse - Um, put it on hamburgers?

(Thompson back yard. Quinn, Stacy, Sandi and Tiffany are seated at a picnic table)

Sandi - Gee, Quinn. How are all of us going to use that sunscreen if you can barely get any out?

Quinn - How are all? Oh, no.

Sandi - Quinn, I hope you haven't forgotten that it was your assignment to bring the sunscreen for the entire Fashion Club. Unless, you want us to get wrinkles.

Quinn - Oh, Sandi, I hope you don't think that. I've always said your creamy complexion is one of your most attractive features. Um, should I go to the store and get some more?

Sandi - If, you don't mind.

Quinn - Oh, no. I'd be happy to.

Sandi - And, since you're going anyway, I'm out of moisturizer.

Tiffany - And I'm out of cran-raspberry lip gloss.

Stacy - Me, too.

Quinn - Fine, I'll go to that new place. They probably have everything.

(Quinn exits. A middle-aged man with a cup of beer sits down in her place)

Man - Hi, girls.

Sandi - Oh, Quinn! Wait up.

(The rest of the Fashion Club follows Quinn)

(Inside Payday. Trent, Tom and Jesse at the Cheez Log station. Trent and Jesse are munching on cheez logs while Tom impatiently waits)

Trent - Is this mozzarella?

Payday Employee 2 - Is that your favorite kind of cheese?

Trent - Yeah.

Payday Employee 2 - Then, it's mozzarella.

Tom - Come on. We're never gonna find Jane if we keep standing around.

Jesse - Hey, man.

Trent - It's mozzarella.

(Inside Payday. Kevin and Brittany are walking past a jewelry kiosk)

Brittany - Kevie, my feet are killing me! Maybe we should call your dad and ask him...

(Brittany notices the same pendant Kevin had given her earlier, on sale for $4.99)

Brittany - Eep! That's...that's my locket! The one you said you bought at Cashman's! Four ninety-nine! Is that all I'm worth to you?

Kevin - They made a mistake! Who put that dot there? It's supposed to say, um, a whole lot more!

(Brittany storms away and Kevin chases after her)

Kevin - But babe! You see, that locket was only temporary. Until I could save up the money to buy you a really, really expensive one.

Brittany - What do you think I am? Stupid?

Kevin - Wait. Are you asking if I think you're stupid, or are you just calling me stupid?

Brittany - Ooh!

Kevin - Babe!

(Thompson back yard. Doug, Charlene and Mr. O'Neill are at the grill)

Mr. O'Neill - Mr...uh, Doug. About Kevin.

Doug (drinks beer) - You're right. Where the hell is he? I sent him off an hour ago.

Charlene - I'm sure Brittany's holding him up. Doug, that girls gonna get in a family way and Kevin will have to get a job and never go to college!

Doug - Whoa, hold on there, Momma Bear. I'm sure Kevin will be more careful than we were.

(Doug laughs and Charlene scowls at him. Doug stops laughing)

Doug - E-hem. Well, what do you think, Timbo? You know Brittany. You think she's the opportunity gets knocked up type?

Mr. O'Neill - Actually, I was more concerned about Kevin.

Doug - Great kid, isn't he?

(Inside Payday. Mr. DeMartino is at the Cheez Log station, eating numerous samples)

Mr. DeMartino - May I inquire as to what is in these?

Payday Employee 2 - Why, the very best cheese alternative. Deep fried in nature's own cooking oil. At a thousand calories a piece, they're a meal in themselves. Um, sir. Please save some for the rest of the store.

Mr. DeMartino - I'm sorry, I must've missed the sign that says "one per customer." (he eats another) Delicious!

(Mrs. Johansson enters)

Mrs. Johansson - Excuse me, are these free samples?

Payday Employee 2 - Yes.

Mr. DeMartino (at same time as employee) - No!

(Fashion Club at the front entrance to Payday)

Tiffany - This place is so wrong.

Sandi - Quinn Morgendorffer, is this your idea of a joke?

Quinn - Sandi, no, I've never been to this store before. Otherwise, I'd never suggest we come here.

Sandi - I see. As President of the Fashion Club, I'm calling an emergency meeting, right now.

Stacy - But Sandi, I swear this shirt is a hundred percent cotton! It just looks like a blend.

Sandi - Stacy. If you're finished with your unsolicited outburst on fiber content, I'd like to call your attention to the fact that we're surrounded by moving fashion violations.

Quinn - So, we should try to help these people?

Sandi - Don't be silly. Some people are beyond help.

Tiffany - Right.

Sandi - Now listen carefully. We are to proceed directly to the health and beauty aisle, pick up our supplies, and go straight to the cash register. Unless Stacy wants to tell us what her shoes are made of.

(Stacy looks down)

Sandi - All right, then. Follow me.

(Inside Payday, Daria and Jane still searching the aisles. Jane looks at her watch)

Jane - Aw, crap. We'll never get out of here in time. Hey! The sales girl!

(Jane chases after the sales girl while Daria limps behind. Jane stops and backs up to an aisle. It is filled with gummy candies)

Jane - Wow, here's what I was looking for.

Daria - Gummy bears? I thought you needed art supplies.

Jane - These are art supplies. When you put these babies in a microwave, they melt into an incredible stained glass-like mosaic. The goop also works as a killer adhesive.

Daria - Gee, does it remove pet stains, too?

Jane - Scoff all you want, but I'd been sorting them by colors, gathering up compatible materials for weeks, and I was finally all set to make this incredible work of art when...

Daria - When, what?

Jane - When...Tom ate my gummy bears!

(Inside Payday. Daria and Jane are walking down an aisle, Jane carries a bag of gummy bears)

Daria - So Tom ate them, even though he knew you needed them for the statue. That was pretty inconsiderate.

Jane - Well, now that I think about it, I may not have actually told him they were for my statue, but he should've known!

Daria - Definitely, since they were probably right there, next to your paints, unless he eats paint, too.

Jane - Um, the gummy bears were in a bowl on the kitchen counter. But, they were in plain view of my statue! (she stops walking) I don't have a leg to stand on, do I?

Daria - I'd rather not answer that, Stumpy.

Jane - Aw, hell.

Daria - Look, Tom's reasonable enough. Maybe if you just talked it out.

Jane - Hmm. Sounds sort of drastic.

Daria - Then, how about this? Serve him some frozen lasagna and tell him you're sorry you haven't been around much lately, but as soon as you get some time off, you're gonna do something fun together and really catch up on each other's lives.

Jane - You know, Helen ought to right a book. (sees sales girl) Quick! Before she disappears again!

(Jane runs to catch sales girl)

(Inside Payday. The Fashion Club members are looking at bulk packaged beauty supplies)

Quinn - These containers are so...yuck...plain! And look, the names aren't even French.

Sandi - Really. Where are the small, pleasantly shaped bottles?

Tiffany - These gallon sizes are gonna stretch our purses.

Stacy - But guys! This whole thing is only five, ninety-nine!

Sandi - Five, ninety-nine? Like I would compromise my skin with cheap moisturizer? Come on, let's go.

(They leave the beauty aisle and stop by the Cheez Log stand, where Mr. DeMartino and Mrs. Johansson are still eating)

Payday Employee 2 - Hello. Complimentary cheez log?

Tiffany - Cheese?

Sandi - Well, I suppose, if they're low calorie. Excuse me, miss. How many calories are in these?

Payday Employee 2 - None. None, at all.

(Tom, Trent and Jesse at the gummy candy aisle)

Tom - Well, here are the gummy bears. but no sign of Jane.

Trent - Whoa. Look at all those gummy bricks. We should stock up for our next road trip.

Jesse - I wonder which ones have the longest van life?

(Thompson back yard. The keg has been tipped over and cups are scattered around. Several adults stagger. Doug and Mr. O'Neill are at the grill)

Doug - I can't keep stoking these coals forever. Dammit, where's that kid of mine?

Mr. O'Neill - Actually, we could us this little break constructively, by having a talk regarding Kevin's academic performance.

(Doug pulls two beers from a cooler)

Doug - Hey, I wanted to talk to you about that, too. Have a brewsky. (slaps Mr. O'Neill on the back)

Mr. O'Neill - Ah!

(Inside Payday. Mr. DeMartino and Mrs. Johansson are fighting over the remaining Cheez Logs)

Mrs. Johansson - Back off, it's mine!

Mr. DeMartino - Excuse me, madam! But, possession in nine-tenths of the law!

(The cheez log falls in the hot cooking oil on the sample station. Employee 2 intervenes)

Payday Employee 2 - Oh, that's it! I'm down to one log! I've got to go all the way to the back for more. I'm banishing you both from this table right now! Go to the tire section and find some nice rubber to gnaw on.

Mrs. Johansson (to Mr. DeMartino) - You'll pay for this.

Mr. DeMartino - I'm a teacher! Try to collect! (maniacal laugh)

(Kevin and Brittany in front of barbeque sauce)

Kevin - Come on, babe. Let me make it up to you. I'll get you anything you want.

Brittany - Anything?

Kevin - Um, sure.

(Mr. DeMartino enters)

Mr. DeMartino - Kevin, Brittany, I want to ask you a favor. They're, um, only serving people who's name start with letters in the first part of the alphabet. Like "K", and "B."

Brittany - But isn't "D" in the first part?

Mr. DeMartino - An astute observation, Brittany! But, uh, "M," as in Mister DeMartino, is not.

Kevin (laughs) - Yeah, babe.

Mr. DeMartino - I need to taste the cheez logs for, um, a big student appreciation party I'm planning in class. Would you mind getting me on or ten samples?

Brittany - Sure!

(Brittany and Kevin exit, while Mr. DeMartino rubs his hands together, and in the background, Mrs. Johansson watches and growls)

(Tom, Trent and Jesse in the automotive aisle)

Jesse - One of those square headlights might look kind of cool.

Trent - Hmm. Might not fit my car.

Tom - Might not? Trent, what's the year and model number of your headlight?

Trent - Hmm, I bet that's important.

(Tom winches in frustration)

(Kevin and Brittany bring Mr. DeMartino a tray of cheez logs)

Brittany - Here you go, Mr. D.

Mr. DeMartino - Thank you, Brittany! Yum!

(Security guard enters and takes tray from Mr. DeMartino,, spilling it)

Security Guard - You! Out!

(He and Mr. DeMartino wrestle)

Mr. DeMartino - Hey, you can't do this to me! Thug! Jackboot! By the way, mind telling me how much you make?

(Mr. DeMartino is led away while Mrs. Johansson smirks)

(Daria and Jane at the end of an aisle. Jane tiptoes toward the sales girl, putting prices on merchandise in a box)

Jane - Caught ya!

(Girl turns, it's Andrea)

Daria - Andrea?

Andrea - Well, you found me. Now you can make fun of the pathetic goth chick whose parents make her work at a crappy job in a stupid warehouse store. Go on, cut me up like you do everyone else.

Daria - I just want a shoe lace.

Jane - Besides, I don't think we could cut you up any better than you just did.

Andrea - Oh, shoe laces. Aisle 197b.

Daria - Thanks. Um, we never saw you.

Jane - We never saw each other.

(Daria and Jane exit, Andrea smiles in relief)

(Kevin and Brittany at the cosmetics aisle. The cart is now full of stuff for Brittany)

Brittany - Look! A case of rasp-cranberry lip gloss.

Kevin - Um, babe, maybe we've already got enough stuff.

Brittany - You're right. I probably won't need flavored lip gloss. Seeing as how I won't be kissing anyone anytime soon.

(Kevin puts case of lip gloss in the cart)

(Thompson back yard. Doug and Mr. O'Neill are seated on folding chairs drinking beer. Doug has a circle of empty cans around his chair)

Mr. O'Neill - Well Doug, I'm shocked (burps) pleased, that you're as concerned about Kevin's academic performance as I am.

Doug - Damn straight. You know what we need to do? Cut back on things that distract my son from what's really important.

Mr. O'Neill - I couldn't agree more.

Doug - Football! Now, there's gotta be some arrangement you can make so Kevin can stop worrying about his grades and concentrate on bringing home the state championship.

Mr. O'Neill - I'm, I'm not sure what you're saying.

Doug - Aw, hell. I'm saying, just pass the boy.

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, dear!

(Inside Payday. Daria is putting the lace in her boot while Jane looks at herb grow pets)

Daria - Remind me to pay for these. Hey, nothing says "I'm sorry" like an Herb Grow Road Kill.

Jane - Hmm. I hope Tom doesn't already have one. Hey, if we leave now, I might make that deadline after all.

(Jane takes a Herb Grow Road Kill and they go to the checkout, to find a bunch of very long lines)

Daria - I'm sure we'll be out in two hours. Three, tops.

(Daria and Jane get into line several away from Tom, Trent and Jesse. Neither group notices the other)

Trent - Those boysencranse straw candles stink, man.

(The Fashion Club passes behind them)

Jesse - Yeah, chicks like 'em though.

Stacy - Uh.

Quinn - Eww.

Sandi - What is that smell? Gee, Stacy, do you think you got enough cotton balls?

Stacy - But, I'm completely out and this is the smallest bag they had.

Sandi - I just hope people don't see that and assume you have a huge skin oil problem.

Stacy - Oh, no!

(Kevin and Brittany arrive at checkout)

Brittany - Kevie! You really do care.

Kevin - Of course I do, babe. Um, babe? I feel like we forgot something.

Brittany - Lip gloss, perfume, flowers, I don't think so.

Kevin - Cool!

(Daria and Jane at register)

Daria - Finally, the light at the end of the roach motel.

(Mr. DeMartino sneaks up on the Cheez Log stand and tries to take the last log from the oil)

Mr. DeMartino - Hot grease! Aaaahhh!!!

Security Guard (VO) - Freeze!

(Guard chases Mr. DeMartino, who trips over power cable for the deep fat fryer, pulling it off the stand and spilling oil into a floor electrical outlet, which causes a short circuit that knocks out power to the entire store)

(Jane is just about to hand over the cash for her purchase when the lights go out. There is a chorus of complaints from customers about the lights)

Daria (VO) - Of course.

(Thompson back yard. Mr. O'Neill is backing away from Doug)

Mr. O'Neill - Perhaps if I worked with Kevin after school.

Doug - Look! Either pass the boy or get off my property!

(Ms. Barch runs up to Doug)

Ms. Barch - Leave him alone, you testosterone-crazed Neanderthal!

Doug - You gonna let a woman fight your battles for you? You whus!

Mr. O'Neill - Now, Doug...

(Ms. Barch grabs Doug and flips him to the ground)

Ms. Barch - Hi-ya!

(She continues to pummel him as some in the crowd join in the fight while others run)

(Exterior of Payday)

Payday Announcer (VO) - Payday is currently experiencing a temporary power outage. Sales of butane, propane, methane, gasoline and other combustibles will be temporarily suspended until the sprinklers and ventilation system are working again, and we can get the damn doors open. Thank you for shopping the Payday way.

(Black interior of Payday)

Brittany (VO) - Oh, no! Kevie, someone stole our cart! (pause) Kevie?

Sandi (VO) - Will whoever has their hand on my butt please remove it, this instant.

Jane (VO) - Daria?

Daria (VO) - Yeah?

Jane (VO) - Gummy bear?

(Daria sighs in frustration)

(closing credits)