The Hawking Excitation


 * Raj: (to Howard) You can make him do anything you want.


 * Raj: Oh boy, well, Sheldon's going to freak out!
 * Leonard: Yeah, he worships Hawking.
 * Howard: I was actually thinking of bringing him along when I go over there so he can meet the great man.
 * Raj: It's really nice of you, Howard.
 * Howard: It's no big deal.
 * Leonard: Boy, a from Stephen Hawking. It'll look so nice next to the ones he's already got from Leonard Nimoy,, and.
 * (Sheldon comes over to the table)
 * Sheldon: Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity's understanding of the Higgs boson particle and you said "Sheldon, it's 2 a.m., get out of my bedroom"?
 * Leonard: Like it was 10 hours ago. What about it?
 * Sheldon: Well, I believe I've done it. And I'm only saying believe to sound modest, because Sweet-Sam-Houston, I did it.
 * Leonard: Really?
 * Raj: That's incredible! (Takes out a pen from his pocket) Oh, here! Breakout the math.
 * Sheldon: Oh, okay, let me see this. (Starts writing) Alright! So, this particle here, is the boson, moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking... (pauses) Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn't going to make any sense to you.
 * Howard: Sheldon, I have a working understanding of physics.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, good for you! Don't stop working on it.
 * Raj: You still going to tell him about you-know-who?
 * Howard: Yep.
 * Leonard: Still going to introduce him?
 * Howard: Not on your life!


 * Sheldon: Alright! What would you like me to do first?
 * Howard: I thought I'd start you off by polishing my belt buckles.
 * Sheldon: Ooh, by all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my Meemaw's silver, then, she would entertain me with stories about growing up in . She's an interesting woman. You know, she once killed a with a.
 * Howard: That's nice. (Pours out all his belt buckles from inside a container)
 * Sheldon: That's a lot of belt buckles.
 * Howard: Funny thing is I only have one belt. Anyway, I'll let you get started. Oh, by the way, the little marks that look like s... I tend to stand too close to the so, what you're seeing there is splash back.
 * Sheldon: You make sissy on new belt buckles? Meemaw's forks never have that.
 * Howard: Here is a, to check them. And for your own peace of mind, you might not wanna shine that around the rest of the room.


 * (Sheldon is finished polishing Howard's belt buckles)
 * Howard: Sheldon, these look great! They're like magnificent little crowns that hang over my magnificent little jewels. How did you get them so shiny?
 * Sheldon: Oh, I, uh, buffed them with . The man down at says that from now on, the urine should just bead up and roll right off.
 * Howard: Way to go the extra mile, your Meemaw would be proud.
 * Sheldon: My Meemaw must never know of this. Now, will you give Professor Hawking my paper?
 * Howard: Oh, my dear boy, no. OK. (Howard gives Sheldon a white box) Next, this is a sexy French maid costume I brought for Bernadette, I thought it might spice things up and get her to dust my room at the same time. I was wrong and really wrong.
 * Sheldon: And you want me to return it for you.
 * Howard: (In a cheesy French accent) No, no, no, mon petit cherie.
 * (The next day Sheldon walks through the cafeteria in the French maid costume and everyone predictably stares at him)
 * Sheldon: What are you all staring at? D'you never seen a man try to get a meeting with Stephen Hawking before?
 * (Sheldon storms out and the three guys burst into fits of laughter)


 * Howard: Sheldon, you're a condescending jerk why would I do anything nice for you?
 * Sheldon: Um, to go to Jewish heaven?
 * Howard: Jews don't have heaven.
 * Sheldon: Well, to avoid Jewish hell?
 * Howard: (irritated) Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell!


 * Penny: Hey.
 * Sheldon: Hello.
 * Penny: It’s not Saturday night. Why are you doing your laundry?
 * Sheldon: This is not my laundry.
 * Penny: Wow, (holds up leopard skin print underwear) are these Amy’s? Kind of trashy, good for her.
 * Sheldon: Those are Howard’s.
 * Penny: Ugh. (drops the underwear) Why are you washing Howard’s man panties?
 * Sheldon: Because if I don’t, he won’t give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He’s a famous physicist.
 * Penny: Yeah, yeah, I know, he’s the wheelchair dude who invented time.
 * Sheldon: That’s close enough.
 * Penny: I don’t understand, why doesn’t Howard just introduce you to the guy?
 * Sheldon: Because he’s punishing me for being a, quote, "condescending jerk". You don’t think I’m condescending, do you?
 * Penny: Well…
 * Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, condescending means…
 * Penny: I know what it means. And yes, you love correcting people and putting them down.
 * Sheldon: Au contraire. When I correct people I am raising them up. You should know, I do it for you more than anyone.
 * Penny: Come on, you do it to feel superior. I see that twinkle in your eye when someone says who instead of whom or thinks the moon is a planet.
 * Sheldon: Or Don Quixote is a book about a donkey named Hotay.
 * Penny: See, there it is, there’s that twinkle.
 * Sheldon: Well, I can’t help it. That’s an involuntary twinkle.
 * Penny: What do you want me to tell you, Sheldon?
 * Sheldon: I want you to tell me that Howard is being mean to me for no reason.
 * Penny: Fine, Howard is being mean to you for no reason.
 * Sheldon: I knew it.


 * [The scene at Howard's mom's house of an upset Bernadette entering Howard's bedroom groaning angrily to herself]
 * Howard: (he's being friendly for one second) What’s the matter?
 * Bernadette: (feels uncomfortable) Every time I spend the night, (she shuts the bedroom door) your mom slaps me on the behind and says, (she imitates Mrs. Wolowitz) "go get ‘im".
 * Howard: It’s not her fault. She’s getting hormone replacement therapy. Makes her crazy horny. Check this out, I got Sheldon to wear the French maid’s costume.
 * Bernadette: (she is very worried) Oh, my God, that’s terrible.
 * Howard: Hey, I gave you first crack at it.
 * Bernadette: Why are you doing that? You’re being mean to him.
 * Howard: He’s mean to me all the time. You’ve heard him tease me about not having a doctorate.
 * Bernadette: If you don’t want to get teased about that, get a doctorate.
 * [Howard has a quiet shock for three seconds]
 * Bernadette: (she grins to him happily) I have one, they’re great.
 * Howard: Oh, come on, the man torments me. I’m just letting him have a little taste of his own medicine.
 * Bernadette: (stops smiling) It’s not the same thing. Sheldon doesn’t know when he’s being mean because the part of his brain that should know is getting a wedgie from the rest of his brain.
 * Howard: Fine, I’ll just make him do a couple more things, then I’ll stop.
 * Bernadette: (softly and firmly) No, you have to stop now.
 * Mrs Wolowitz (off): Bernadette, I want to remind you, you promised to take me dress shopping tomorrow!
 * Bernadette: (sighs) Oh, damn. (yells to Mrs. Wolowitz softly) I’m sorry, I can’t make it, but Sheldon’s going to go with you! (scolds to Howard angrily) And that’s the last thing you do to him.


 * Sheldon: Professor Hawking, it's an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir.
 * Stephen Hawking: I know.
 * Sheldon: I want to thank you for taking time to see me.
 * Stephen: My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.
 * Sheldon: I know.
 * Stephen: Your thesis that the is a  accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.
 * Sheldon: Thank you. It just... it came to me one morning in the shower.
 * Stephen: That's nice. Too bad it's wrong.
 * Sheldon: (shocked) What do you mean wrong?
 * Stephen: You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite the boner.
 * Sheldon: No, no... that can't be right. I... I don't make arithmetic mistakes.
 * Stephen: Are you saying I do?
 * Sheldon: Oh, no, no, of course not. It just, I was thinking... (spots his mistake) Oh, gosh, golly. I made a boo-boo, and I gave it to Stephen Hawking!
 * (Sheldon s)
 * Stephen: Great, another fainter.


 * Sheldon: Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there’s another human being.
 * Howard: Hang on. Are you saying the rest of us are dogs?
 * Sheldon: Yeah, okay, I can see you’re going to take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.
 * Howard: Get out of my lab.
 * Sheldon: Oh, now they’re so much smarter than dogs. Have you seen them on those little bicycles?
 * Howard: Get out.
 * Sheldon: What about dolphins?
 * Howard: OUT!!