The Ballad of Steve McClean

Transcript for The Ballad of Steve McClean
Narrator: It’s a beautiful morning here at National National State Park. But at the famous Hot Springs, trouble is brewing… courtesy of Dr. Two-Brains!

(Scene: a pond inside the park. A bird is swimming in the waters, when suddenly a yellow filmy substance surrounds it.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Ha-ha-ha-ha! Success!

Henchman 1; Good shot, boss!

Dr. Two-Brains: Oh, I’m just getting warmed up!

(As he speaks, two “bushes” start creeping closer to him.)

Henchman 1: Umm… boss?

Dr. Two-Brains: Quiet, I’m trying to concentrate.

Henchman 1: But boss…

Dr. Two-Brains: Sssh! Ready… Aim…

(WordGirl and Huggy spring up from behind the creeping bushes. It startles Two-Brains so much that he throws his ray gun, and Huggy catches it.)

WordGirl: Not so fast, Two-Brains!

Dr. Two-Brains: WordGirl?!

(He regains his composure, and Huggy tosses the ray back at him, in pieces.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Ohh! You ruined it! Now how will I achieve my super secret plan to--

(Huggy is relaxing in the hot springs.)

WordGirl: --Turn the National National Hot Springs to liquid cheese, suck it into that giant tank, and take it home to fill your swimming pool so you can break the world fondue record?

Dr. Two-Brains: Okay, fine. I have been chasing that fondue record for years, but-- how did you know my secret plan? Have you been spying on me?

WordGirl: We didn’t have to, we’ve been on to you the whole time, Doc!

Dr. Two-Brains: Ooh, I doubt that, WordGirl. I think YOU just got lucky.

WordGirl: Well, I gotta say, your cheese  heists  are starting to get kind of predictable.

Dr. Two-Brains: All these-- now, you take that back!

(Exposition Guy comes by, looking through a pair of binoculars.)

Exposition Guy: He-e-elp! Someone’s robbing the grocery store! (stops and looks around) Is this the police station?

WordGirl: Um, no. It’s the woods.

Exposition Guy: (looking at his map) Oh, yeah. (tosses it aside) He-e-elp!

WordGirl: We’ve got to get to the grocery store! Let’s go, Huggy! Word Up--

(She starts to fly off, but Huggy calls her back.)

WordGirl: Oh, right. Uh, tell you what, Doc. I’d love to stay and duke it out, but this might be important? So…

Dr. Two-Brains: Sure, run along to your little grocery store villain. (chuckles) Let me know when you’re ready to take on number--

WordGirl: Word UP!

Dr. Two-Brains: --one.

Henchman 1: Boss, she didn’t even arrest us!

Dr. Two-Brains: Oh, be quiet.

Narrator: Later, at the grocery store…

(Scene: the grocery store. WordGirl flies in with Huggy. They look around, but nothing is going on. They look up at the narrator.)’

Narrator: Oh, sorry. Aisle six.

(She flies over to aisle six, where the grocery store manager is staring at empty shelves.)

WordGirl: What happened?

Grocery Store Manager: We were robbed, by a strange new villain. He really cleaned us up.

WordGirl: Don’t you mean, he cleaned you out?

Grocery Store Manager: I mean, both! You see, first he cleaned us OUT. Then he cleaned us UP. This character stole all the cleaning supplies from aisle six, then he cleaned the whole aisle before he took off. And all he left was this  snazzy  card. It’s laminated.

WordGirl: (reading) “Another clean getaway by Steve McClean. Making the world a cleaner place one crime at a time.” I’ve never heard of Steve McClean, have you Huggy?

(Huggy shrugs.)

Grocery Store Manager: You have to admit, he is one  snazzy -looking fellow!

(Huggy chatters at WordGirl.)

WordGirl: Oh,  snazzy  means something that’s nice to look at, in a fun or flashy way.

(Huggy gives a thumbs up, and chatters back.)

WordGirl: Uh, sure. Like you.

Grocery Store Manager: Or  snazzy  like aisle six! It hasn’t been this bright and clean in years!

WordGirl: Aisle six might look  snazzy , but we’re going to find this Steve McClean so he doesn’t get away with this  heist !

(The intercom comes on.)

Exposition Guy (voice): He-e- e-elp! Someone is robbing the First Second Third Bank!

Grocery Store Manager: Hey! That mic is for employees only!

Exposition Guy: Sorry. But someone has cleaned out the bank’s vault, and dusted all the potted plants! H-e-e-elp!

(He goes by them riding in a shopping cart, and crashes into something.)

WordGirl: I have a pretty good idea who it might be! Word UP!

(The grocery store manager looks at his reflection on the floor.);

Grocery Store Manager: Well, hello, handsome!

Narrator: While WordGirl investigates at the bank, Dr. Two-Brains enjoys leisure time at home.

(Scene: Two-Brains’ lair. He is sitting on his couch wearing curlers and a nightcap, watching the TV and eating popcorn. The henchmen stand nearby in their pajamas, with Charlie hugging his teddy bear.)

Henchman 1: Can we watch TV with you, boss?

Dr. Two-Brains: Have you both had your baths?

(Charlie shakes his head, but the other henchman nods and elbows Charlie. Then they both start nodding at Two-Brains.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Oh, alright, but no talking while my stories are on.

Henchman 1: You got it, boss!

(We see that Two-Brains’ TV is being powered by a mouse running in a wheel.)

Supervillain Reporter: Welcome to "WordGirl Weekly Supervillain Countdown"! Coming in at number five, Mr. Big, still in the big house! At number four, it’s Tobey-- currently on time-out, according to his mommy! At number three, it’s the Butcher. Who’s been quiet this week, but he and WordGirl are sure to-- MEAT-- again soon! (giggles) Get it?

Henchman 1: Do you think you’ll be number one again, boss?

Dr. Two-Brains: Of course! Haven’t I been number one on the supervillain countdown every week for two years? I just want to make sure they use that nice new picture I sent ‘em.

Supervillain Reporter: But the big new this week is our brand new number two villain, it’s our long-time number one, Dr. Two-Brains! Slipping down a notch.

Dr. Two-Brains: You see, I-- WHAT? NUMBER TWO?! Who’s number one?

Supervillain Reporter: And zooming to number one is the new, the cool, the  snazzy , Steve McClean!

Dr. Two-Brains: Steve Mc-WHO?

Supervillain Reporter: Steve McClean has taken the city by storm. Pulling daring  heists  at the grocery store, the bank, and the House of Combs!

(Two-Brains throws the TV out the window.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Hmph! Steve McClean, what a joke. I’m the real number one villain! And I’ll prove it, I will!

''(This is followed by a montage of scenes in which Two-Brains is shown “competing” with Steve McClean. In the first scene, Two-Brains and his henchmen are scrambling to load large quantities of stolen cheese into their van, while Steve McClean is seen casually driving by in a pink convertible with a carload of fire hydrants, being chased by a police car. Then a newspaper shows a large front-page picture of Steve McClean stealing the fire hydrants, while Two-Brains is pictured in a much smaller article below, looking frustrated. In the next scene, a police officer is trying to stop Two-Brains and the henchmen from stealing something, but then sees Steve McClean driving by with a stolen elephant, and chases after him instead along with another police car. Once again, there is a newspaper showing a huge picture of Steve McClean and the elephant, and a smaller picture of Two-Brains below. In the final scene, Two-Brains pulls up in front of the police station, goes inside holding up a large piece of stolen cheese, and eats it. But Police Commissioner Watson and other officers are too busy staring at a bulletin board with a picture of Steve McClean on it to notice. Two-Brains bangs his head on a desk in frustration. Then he walks by a group of wanted posters and sees that his is the largest one on the wall, and he turns around feeling victorious, until other officers put up a much larger poster of Steve McClean.)''

(Scene: the Supervillain Reporter is doing another broadcast, this time from the street.)

Supervillain Reporter: Welcome back to "WordGirl Weekly Supervillain Countdown." And holding the number one spot for the third straight week is Steve McClean!

(He drives past her, carrying a large bronze statue of a bison in his pink convertible.)

Supervillain Reporter: And there he goes.  Snazzy  wheels, Steverino!

Dr. Two-Brains: (watching the broadcast from his lair, on his recovered TV) Please!

Supervillain Reporter: Don’t look now fans, but it’s WordGirl and Captain Huggy Face in hot pursuit! (waving) WordGirl! WordGirl! Care to say a few words?

WordGirl: (panting) Ordinarily, yes, but we’re hot on the trail of Steve McClean. He’s just pulled off another  heist !

Supervillain Reporter: Well, how about a quick definition?

(Huggy looks up at her with a frown and points to his wrist.)

WordGirl: Uh-- okay, sure. A  heist  is another word for a robbery, a holdup, or a theft. And Steve McClean just pulled a big one at the car wash. He washed his car, then cleaned out the cash register!

Supervillain Reporter: Well, let’s just hope Steve McClean’s latest  heist  doesn’t leave WordGirl all wet!

(The reporter chuckles at her joke, and WordGirl covers her face.)

WordGirl: Uh, we have to go. (takes off)

Supervillain Reporter: And in other news, the grocery store's celebrating another Mc-cleaning out! They’ve doubled security on the cleaning products aisle, leaving their dairy case completely unprotected. Guess they’re not too worried about old Dr. What’s-his name.

Dr. Two-Brains: “Old Dr. What’s his name”? Ohh, you fickle public! Okay, okay, get a grip, get a grip. HENCH-MEN!

(They come over to him, each wearing a thick red fake mustache.)

Henchman 1: Coming, boss.

Dr. Two-Brains: Eh, what’s with the mustaches?

Henchman 1: We just thought, Steve McClean is kind of, you know,  snazzy .

Dr. Two-Brains: OHHH, THAT IS IT! (He grabs the mustache off of Henchman 1, and puts it on himself.) TWO can play at this “ snazzy ” game!

Narrator: Meanwhile, at WordGirl and Captain Huggy Face’s Secret Spaceship Hideout…

(Scene: WordGirl’s spaceship. Huggy is cleaning the floor, also wearing a Steve McClean fake mustache, while WordGirl sits and ponders.)

WordGirl: If only we had a way of knowing where McClean planned to pull his next  heist .

(Huggy flips his hand up, and WordGirl lifts her feet so Huggy can clean beneath her chair. Suddenly, the grocery store manager appears on the communicator screen.)

Grocery Store Manager: Come in, WordGirl, come in!

WordGirl: That’s a “go” for WordGirl!

Grocery Store Manager: Steve McClean has been spotted heading toward our grocery store. He’s being chased by a crazy mob of teenage fans. Please, come quickly!

WordGirl: A-ha! We’re on the way!

Grocery Store Manager: Oh, by the way, the guy with the mouse brain is here too, hanging out in the dairy section. Typical.

WordGirl: Eh, okay. We’ll check that out too. Word UP!

Narrator: Meanwhile, at the grocery store’s foolishly unguarded dairy case…

Henchman 1: Attention, shoppers. Come meet the villain formerly known as Dr. Two-Brains, now the new and improved,  snazzy  Dr. Cool-Brains!

(Two-Brains is wearing a fancy outfit and standing in a disco pose, facing a large cheese wheel.)

Henchman 1: Hit it!

(Charlie, who is acting as the DJ, stands in front of dual turntables and starts playing a very hip-hop beat. Two-Brains turns around, wearing a mustache and bling, and starts to perform.)

Dr. Two-Brains:  (rapping)  I’m Dr. Cool-Brains, and I aim to please / I can hook you up with a nice piece of cheese / I’m hip, I’m fun, I’m totally chillin’, /  Snazzy  enough to be the number one villain! / I got bling to fling, and these cool sunglasses / Steve’s got ONE, I’ve got TWO mustaches!

(He points to the mustache on his mouse brain.)

Henchman 1: Oh no, he didn’t!

(The shoppers move away, ignoring him. Two-Brains signals for Charlie to cut the music. WordGirl flies in with Huggy.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Hooray, look everyone! It’s WordGirl, come to battle her number one arch-villain, Dr. Cool-Brains!

WordGirl: Yeah, sure, whatever. You haven’t seen Steve McClean around, have you? We were about to finally catch him, but then we lost him when he was mobbed by fans in the parking lot.

Shopper 1: Did you hear that? Steve McClean is in the parking lot!

(He and Oak Street lady run to the parking lot.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Wait-- come back!

WordGirl: Whoa, Doc, you look-- uh…

Dr. Two-Brains:  Snazzy ?

WordGirl: Ridiculous.

Grocery Store Manager: (over intercom) WordGirl! Please report to the front entrance. Steve McClean has just robbed the safe-- and straightened up my office. And now he’s trying to take all my suits to the cleaners.

Dr. Two-Brains: Bah!

WordGirl: Word UP! (takes off)

Dr. Two-Brains: Oh, I have had it up to HERE with that Steve McClean! If you ask me, all he’s done is make a mess of this town. (pause) Oooh! Dr. Two-Brains just had a very  snazzy  idea! Henchmen, fetch me my cheesefizz ray!

(He goes to pull the mustache off of the mouse brain, and yelps in pain. Then he runs into another aisle, while WordGirl continues searching for Steve McClean )

WordGirl: I don’t see him either, Huggy. Maybe we’re too late!

(She zips away, and just then Steve McClean comes out of hiding, holding the grocery store manager’s dry cleaning. Two-Brains watches from behind a display of Snappy Snaps.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Well, us Two-Brains have a saying-- if you can’t beat ‘em, eliminate ‘em! Cheesefizz ray, engage!

(The henchmen give a thumbs up, and push a cart into a display of bottled water by the door, knocking them over and making a mess just as Steve McClean tries to make his escape.)

Dr. Two-Brains: See if you can clean up THIS mess, McClean!

(He aims his cheese ray at the water, changing it into liquid cheese. Steve McClean backs away from it, looking horrified. Still holding the dry cleaning, he begins to speak in a really pathetic sounding voice.)

Steve McClean: Oh, what a terrible mess!

Dr. Two-Brains: Whoa. That’s the voice of Mr. cool Steve McClean? Ha!

(WordGirl spots McClean by the door.)

WordGirl: Huggy, look! Steve McClean is such a clean freak, he can’t bear to cross the liquid cheese! He’s TRAPPED!

(McClean throws the suits aside. Then he picks up a mop and tries to clean up the mess. WordGirl flies over to him.)

Steve McClean: Stay back. This cheese is icky.

WordGirl: Oh don’t worry, Steve! They’ve got a nice clean cell waiting for you down at the city jail!

(A couple of officers come in to apprehend him.)

Officer Jim: Actually, it’s quite dirty in jail.

Steve McClean: No, no, hey, watch the shoes-- the shoes, cause if cheese gets on leather, you know, it never comes out...

WordGirl: Well, I guess they’ll clean up his act, eh, Huggy? Heh, did you get it? Clean up-- ehh… but hey! Where’d all this liquid cheese come from?

Dr. Two-Brains: Whoopsie! Oh, clumsy me! Just sloppy, I guess!

Supervillain Reporter: And now for a "WordGirl Weekly"’s update… in a stunning turn of events, former number one villain, Steve McClean, has seen his latest  heist  foiled by the unlikely team of WordGirl and our new number one villain, Dr. Cool-Brains!

Dr. Two-Brains: (grabbing the mic) This just in-- it’s plain old Dr. Two-Brains again.

Supervillain Reporter: Well, Dr. Two-Brains, how does it feel to mop up the competition and get back to number one?

Dr. Two-Brains: Well, I’m not the type of person who worries about what other people think about me, I just try to be myself. What do you think of that?

Supervillain Reporter: You’re very modest.

WordGirl: Come on, Doc, admit it. Aren’t you just a little excited to be number one again?

Dr. Two-Brains: You know, it’s just a number. It doesn’t really-- YES! YES!! I’M NUMBER ONE, I’M NUMBER ONE! WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO!

WordGirl: Oh boy, easy there Doc! Roll back!

Narrator: And so, WordGirl and Captain Huggy Face foil yet another  heist . With the help of some teamwork from a surprising source!

Dr. Two-Brains and Henchman 1: (together) We’re number one! We’re number one!

(Officers escort them off.)

Narrator: Tune in next time for another adventure from the  snazziest  superhero around, WordGirl!

(For the closing scene, WordGirl flies up and poses with Huggy for the camera, both of them wearing Steve McClean mustaches.)