The Bitchin' Race

1 It's been a thrilling season on "The Bitchin' Race. " 15 teams left New York hoping to win $1 million. Now, only five remain Stan and Francine. What a gift this has been. Traveling around the world, making new memories and capturing them in the honored art form of caricature. [French music plays] They say the giant head is the window to the soul. Every single one of those has cost us valuable time that I've had to make up. Not my first-choice partner, but every other person I know is at Dick's bachelor party. He's such a go-getter. That's why I put him in a go-cart in this one. [Italian music plays] Steve and Hayley Not surprised we made it to the finals. As "sibs," we have an unfair advantage You suck. The reason we're in the finals is because I'm carrying you. You keep stopping everywhere to buy souvenirs. And I swear, if Jeff wasn't at Dick's bachelor party Bear and Rick. He's a survival expert, I'm a travel expert. We've won every leg so far. It hasn't been particularly enjoyable. Yeager and Johnny. My name, and I hope it's trending right now, is Yeager Chillax. It is not trending. Oh, but Dannon Yogurt just followed me! I like to kick ass and jam clam with my man Johnny Bananas. Yo, I've won MTV's "The Challenge" six times. Now I own more yellow XTERRAs than anyone in the whole world. Boom! Vote for us. Is there Is there voting on this? And, finally, Meredith and Justin, her son who went to heaven and back. As a single mom who runs her own medical billing business, I've had my share of challenges, but at least I have my son. In heaven, everybody has long outie belly buttons that double as guitars. He's our miracle boy. The miracle boy who's captured the world's heart. But will that be enough to win "The Bitchin' Race?" We'll find out tonight on the exciting season finale. I know I should root for someone in the family, but Justin has captured my heart. Oh, I'd love to throw it in his mom while he's sleeping like an angel in the next room. Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U. S. A. Aah! Good morning, U. S. A. In this box are the first instructions for the final leg of the race. Is everybody ready? Travel safe. Go! Bangkok! Ah, Bangkok, the most romantic-sounding city in the Ahh! We've got to get to the airport. Expert travelers know that the best place to find a cab is often at a hotel. There's a Ramada two blocks southeast. I'll grab a boba on the way so when I have to drink my own piss later, it'll taste like Boba. - Dude, you ready to do this? - "Abs-solutely"! I'm all packed! Aww, yeah! Why does mine look different from yours? Are Are you doing something? Are you eating something? Let's go. Drive faster. We're in a race! I don't think this is a taxi. I think we just got in this Tunisian guy's car. Wait. Are you not a cab driver? Wait. Are you not carjackers? [Laughter] I didn't say slow down. [Laughs] - Where are all the cabs? - [Vibrating] What is wrong with this country? Maybe it's for the best. Our table's ready at the Hard Rock. We're not going to the Hard Rock. We've got a race to win. But some of the pins they won't let you buy unless you eat there! [Indistinct talking, horns honking] Do you need me to take out all my drawings? Uh, no. Your acne scarring inspires me. I'm gonna draw you. They're getting ahead of us! Ooh! I'm gonna put a little moon man planting a flag in your cheek. Maybe give him a tennis racquet. Can you imagine playing tennis on the moon? It's probably all lobs. [Snorts, laughs] Here's a tip. To get through the terminal quickly, sit in the lap of a wheelchair person. By the time anyone hears their weak protest, you'll be at your gate. Cowabunga, dude! If they get the first flight out, we'll never catch them. And Francine's still stuck at security. Steve's in the gift shop. He keeps buying and returning the same Tunisian New York Yankees hat. We have to stop the experts from getting on that plane. I invoke a one-time-only Dollar Shave Club Temporary Alliance. [Shaving cream squirting] Announcer: Now, that's some smooth action. Hi. I'm Brett Favre for poor retirement planning Klaus: Nope. Huh. When you're not doing it yourself, ski jumping is phenomenally boring. Ohh! Aah! He's pinwheeling! There's no way he survived that! Ugh. There's his leg. Nasty. [Sighs] They're bringing it to the widow. Good. Ohh! But another woman's fighting for it! His mistress, of course. Ah, ski jumpers. We're all dogs. Oh, no, the race! [Dramatic music plays] [Both panting] Who would have guessed that Rick Steves would be harder to choke out than Bear Grylls? He smiled the whole time and would not break eye contact. I like to go half-recline even before we push from the gate. I've never been busted. Are you willing and able to assist in the event of an emergency? Honey, I'll assist you anytime, anywhere. Oh! That is so Yeager Chillax. Angels are gonna help us fly the plane! All: Aww. Hey! I'm still hogging the camera here! What, that kid's special because he died for a second? Bananas can kiss his own tip! Tell 'em, Bananas! I could suck it, but I never do. Host: Once in Bangkok, teams will hit their first detour, where they'll have to choose between yak and back. Here, they must herd yaks or have a full Thai massage before they can continue racing. Doesn't a massage sound nice, a little romantic couple time? We watched "Rush Hour 3" on the plane. I think I'm done wooing you. I bet we can rip through that yak herding. - Based on what? - Hurry up! [Cheers and applause] Dude, they love us! The cameras, the attention they're finally on us! [Crowd shouting]: Justin! Justin! In heaven, you can fart colors! [Cheers and applause] This ain't working, Yeager Chillax. I know, Johnny Bananas. I've seen this before. We're not the stars of this season, and we're never gonna be. Ugh. This sucks. I quit. I feel like I'll never be happy again. Ooh, karaoke! I'm next! I'm next! I'm Nattapong W. Host: Teams must herd their yaks into the pen on the far side of their corral. Since Stan and Hayley have done all the challenges so far, Steve and Francine must do the herding. Kiss for luck? We'll kiss at the finish line! Yak, I-I'm gonna need you to Wow, your fur is soft! Reminds me of a shawl I have. I like to wrap it around my shoulders when I get cold at Trader Joe's. [Chuckles] Why keep it so chilly? CVS same problem, not to mention how loud they play the music in the Move your ass! You can do it, honey! [Whispering] Your great grandmother says hello. [Yak grunts] [Yak bellows] [Yaks bellowing] Do what he did. Do something! Oh, my goodness. Will you look at that temple over there? I feel so lucky to be here. Together: Oh, come on! You're killing me! You have no idea what it's like trying to compete with that tied around my neck. "That"? Oh, I think I do. It's like you're an alpha, and you're strapped to a What's the "B" one? A little bitch boy. You think you're an alpha? You're an unemployed college dropout who sleeps with her husband in a twin bed. First of all, it's a yoga mat on an air-hockey table. Second, when there's something I want, I have another gear. So, you don't want a real bed? Stan, you really think I don't pull my own weight? Uh, this is you. "La-di-da! I'm on vacation and not trying to win this race or help at all!" I invoke a one-time-only Tostitos Scoop Partner Swap. Announcer: Partner Swap, brought to you by Tostitos Scoops scoop up a new partner! You know what, Stan? I don't want to be your partner anymore. Me neither! Announcer: Everyone loves a Scoop! Shall we massage, Mother? Yes, Steve, we shall. Let's win this thing. Which one of you yaks is the leader? Step forward, alpha yak! [Yak bellows] [Snarling] [Dramatic music builds] [Grunts] [Dramatic music plays] [Smooches] [Grunts] Holy shit. Call now and talk to hot singles in your area. Oh, man, we got chicks like that in my area? Oh! The race! I've never done a bungee jump before, but I'm a single mom, a lupus survivor, and I'll do anything for my miracle boy. [Screams] Wait! How much do you weigh?! Less than Meredith! B-B-B-Burn! Get the next clue. You block Justin and his mom. We have to find some big guy named George. Let's do it! Who would choose a yak herding challenge over a massage challenge? How stupid! And they think we can't make decisions? - Ludicrous. - Insulting. Cucumber water? Um Well, hmm I, uh Hmm That must be George. Hey. Are you George? - Uh, aren't we looking for a big guy? - That's got to be him. He's the only guy we've seen for an hour. Maybe he's got a big dick. Good thinking, daughter. Don't mess with us, "Big Dick" George. We're in a hurry, so take us now. Together: Take us! Take us! Take us! Hey, camera guy, it's a television show, not a television "don't show. " Roasted! I've said it before, and I'll say it again. If I weren't your dad, you'd really make me laugh. Host: Before they can continue racing, Justin must complete this puzzle blindfolded. Don't worry, Mommy. I got this. Or should I say, I "God" this. You sure do, honey! Believe it or not, he's always been like this, a real cocky little shit. [Beeping] Oh, it's 3:30. - [Gun clicks] - Well, back to the show. See you tomorrow. It must be an escape-room challenge. And an eating challenge? It's the finale. I bet as soon as we finish this gruel, this shack turns into a hot-air balloon. What a massage. You were crying a lot in there. Sanit said that happens all the time. Has to do with too much testosterone. Uh-huh. So, let's continue the race. You bet. We should find a like, a train? Is a taxi better? Tough to say. Maybe a stroll? We're already in this park. Gorgeous. - Quick sit? - Maybe a little nibble? Crying makes me super hungry. Whoa! You got the wrong idea. I'm not some prostitute who's gonna take you to the back room. What? I'm a freewheelin' party boy who'll slob your knob right here. Just untuck your Tommy Bahama and give me a little privacy curtain. - ["Ghostbusters" theme plays] - Oh, that's my song. When there's something strange Johnny. In your neighborhood I need you to Who you gonna call? jerk that guy off. Busters This must be the last part of the challenge. Any second now, we'll hit that hot-air balloon. Two holes, two balloons? Don't be silly. One's for the basket. Now just keep digging these holes, these two rectangular human-sized holes these graves. This isn't part of the show, is it? No. We seem to be prisoners in some sort of rebel camp. Hey, camera guy, did you know this? - Dad, what are we gonna do? - It's okay. I have a lot of experience getting out of situations like this. The first thing is to ascertain what they want. Then you figure out how you can help them get it. I want you to suffer, dum-dum, so you can help me by suffering! Welcome to the jungle, baby! You're gonna die! Hit it, Som Phong! Para bailar La Bamba No! Does that sound like "Welcome to the Jungle" to you?! Una poca de gracia Som Phong, do you even want to be here? Una poca de gracia I can't believe my arch-nemesis, Stan Smith, has just fallen into my lap! Dad, who is this guy? He's a Thai general who threw me and my friends into prison a couple of years back. You mean your co-workers. My friends. If they were your friends, you'd be at Dick's bachelor party. That's right. Everybody knows you weren't invited. - [Gasps] - And that is just a taste of the torture you deserve because after you escaped, the stupid king fired me from army! And he took my yaks, all of them! Dad, we were so focused on winning, we walked straight into a prison camp. The king took Yackie Mason and Samuel L. Yackson. Do you realize if we hadn't partner-swapped, we wouldn't be in this position. He also took Yackie O., Bo-Yak Horseman Maybe instead of wanting Francine and Steve to be more like us Gene Yakman, Hugh Yakman they're brothers. We should be more like them. There was a group of them I called Nickelyak. I don't miss them. Well maybe maybe it's not too late to learn. We're probably going to die here, but we can at least go out the way Steve and Francine would savoring every moment. We accept your invitation to stay. Invitation?! This is no prom! This prison! Instead of corsage, you will have disease. Instead of party limo, you will have pain. Instead of peach schnapps, you will have so much peach schnapps! [Laughs maniacally] [Birds chirping] Check me out, Mama! Great, honey! What the hell are you doing?! Well, we're I don't exactly know. What day is it? It's two weeks since you switched partners. Wow. I have got to say, I cannot account for most of that time. We've just kind of been hanging out. - So, who won? - No one! Everyone's stuck or disappeared. - Look. - [Beeps] Yay! This'll be in the movie of me! Right, Mom? Mom? It's time his father deals with some of this. That's fair, right? Bustin', yeah, bustin' Oh, bustin' makes me feel good [Cheers and applause] Whoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! What about Stan and Hayley? They were captured by Thai rebels. Every time I want to complain about how uncomfortable this is, I just think, "How would Francine and Steve be handling it?" They'd be appreciating every second. Feeling the sun on their face. [Inhales deeply] Really smelling the mud. And feeling the things in the mud, like the thing that's coiled around my leg and working its way up. I'm excited to see its face. We're very lucky. Please, please get off your asses and win this thing. I got to get home. My cat-sitter she's been sending me some very dark e-mails. Oh, no! If they're acting like us, they'll never get out of there! If they won't act like them, then we're gonna have to to save them from ourselves. Or you could just finish the race! I don't get to go home until someone wins! Wait. I invoke a one-time-only Rocket Mortgage Take Me Home loan. Announcer: Rocket Mortgage you can't go home if you don't have a house. Daddy's coming home, Mr. Slippers! [Grunts] You know, I've kind of learned to love this piss jar. I hope our captors will respect my wishes and let me be buried with it. And I am straight up addicted to pooping in a river. What is wrong with you guys?! We have like six bathrooms! Aah! Okay, only person being tortured here is me! That's on you, bro. You choose to torture yourself. Oh, I choose? Okay, then. I choose to have guards shoot you a lot. [Rumbling] Mush! Mush! Whoa! I believe these are yours. My yaks. You have my dad and my sister, so we came to trade. Check out alpha Steve! Just when we learned to appreciate what a huge wussy you are. And just to sweeten our offer A portrait! Of me! And you even guessed that, although I am left-handed, I would play tennis with my right, like my hero Jim Courier! Yep. So, what do you say? We got a deal? No one has ever been this nice to me. I could get used to it. Seize them! They had free Tai Chi classes in the park. Do you want me to cloud-hands you to the flippin' Stone Age? Okay, okay, okay! Backsies! I accept deal! You get dum-dum and daughter. I get yaks and portrait. Everyone wins! All: All right! Host: Actually, no one wins. Due to everyone being disqualified, this season's $1-million prize has been donated to the ExxonMobil legal defense fund. Better lawyer up, pelicans. Wait. It's over? Where's the big ending? [Creaking] What?! The big ending! I knew it! The winner is me! I won somehow! I'm being rewarded because I believed!