Our Very First Night

[Danny is dismayed by Joey and Jesse's effort to dress Michelle for bed.]

Danny: OK, I got the girls in--

Jesse & Joey: [as they show off their efforts] Ta-da!

Danny: Gentlemen,, who was raised in the jungle by apes, went to bed in better shape than that baby.

Jesse: Big deal. You're talking about a guy who wore diapers his entire life. [See Trivia.]

Danny: I really appreciate the effort, but I'll take it from here.

Jesse: Oh, yeah, sure, now that all the work is done. Good night, Michelle.

Joey: [in his best "Michelle" voice] Good night, Uncle Jesse. Next time you see me, I'll have a big surprise for you. I don't care how many diapers I have on. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Danny: Give me my kid.

[Joey and Jesse leave the room shaking hands.]

[Stephanie enters Jesse's room (her former room).]

Stephanie: What happened to my room?

Jesse: Looks pretty cool, huh? Look at this. I'm hanging up right here [a poster over her pink bunny wallpaper].

Stephanie: Over my bunnies?

Jesse: Well, Steph, your bunnies are very uh... pink.

Stephanie: My mom made those bunnies just for me. Don't you like them [with her pouty face]?

Jesse: [rips the poster down] These bunnies. I love these bunnies. I'm sure Elvis had bunnies hanging all over Graceland.

[Danny comes in.]

Danny: Okay, it's riddle time. What has blonde hair, purple pajamas, and is up way past their bedtime?

Stephanie: Uh, Elvis?

[Jesse and Joey decide to settle who will stay and babysit the girls.]

Joey: Okay. We'll settle this the only truly fair way. Ready? Go! [They make a dash for the door, and Joey is outside. He sticks his hand back in and uses it like a mouth:] Once again, comedy kicks music's butt.

[After Joey and Danny leave, D.J. and Stephanie come downstairs and walk past Jesse undetected.]

D.J. & Stephanie: Hi, Uncle Jesse [as they go into the kitchen].

Jesse: Hi, girls. Girls, hey girls! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Girls, girls! Aren't you supposed to be in bed, dreaming about Tweety Bird, or Big Bird, or or something?

D.J.: Uncle Jesse, if we get hungry, Dad always makes sure we have a late-night snack.

Stephanie: We're gonna have ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk.

D.J.: And cookies.

Jesse: Freeze, chick. All right. I know. I'm pretty hip, here. You guys think I'm a, I'm an idiot or something? [The girls look at each other and Stephanie makes a face.] Let me tell you something. I know what's going on here. Your dad's gone, and it's 'let's take advantage of the babysitter' time. Well, I got news for you, girls. Your Uncle Jesse's a little too sharp to be taken on that kind of ride. Now you guys can have ice cream and chocolate milk. No cookies.

Stephanie: Yay!

D.J.: [covers Stephanie's mouth] Okay.

[In D.J. and Stephanie's room, their little table has messy ice cream and chocolate milk cartons all over it. Stephanie is jumping the rope that D.J. turns, tied to her bed.]

Stephanie: [singing] Z, my name is Zippy And my husband's name is Zorro. We come from San Francisco With a carload of zebras. A, my name is Alice--

D.J.: That's enough jump rope. Let's do the hand-jive.

Stephanie: Okay, but I can't stop jumping. I may never sleep again. [D.J. is able to stop her from jumping.] Thanks.

D.J.: [to Stephanie] Two bowls of ice cream sure gives you a lot of pep, huh?

Stephanie: Does pep mean you can't blink?

D.J.: That's pep. [hearing music from downstairs] Party time.

Stephanie: [to the band] Do you guys do any Bangles stuff?

[The doorbell rings.]

D.J.: Oh, that's for me.

Jesse: Wow.

D.J.: Oh, I bet my dad forgot to tell you about our 11:00 pizza. Hi. How much?

Pizza Man: $11.50.

D.J.: [to Stephanie, as she pays the pizza man] Did the cheese slide off or stick to the box?

Stephanie: No [on both counts].

D.J.: [regarding the change] Keep it.

[Joey has just come home from his comedy gig, and yells...]

Joey: Conga! [And that's what everyone does, when suddenly, Danny comes home. He is not happy at what he sees, as Joey turns his attention to Jesse.] Boy, are you gonna get it.

[After the break...]

Danny: Attention, Solid Gold. It's 12:15 [to D.J.] and your hair is purple. [to Stephanie] Get down! ...and I don't mean 'get funky'. [See Trivia.]

[The girls are getting ready for bed.]

Stephanie: Uncle Jesse's the best babysitter we ever had.

D.J.: Yeah, but I think he's in big trouble. [They then hear a knock, and know that it's their dad.] Get into bed. [They both jump into D.J.'s bed.] No, no. Your bed! [Stephanie does so, as D.J. runs and hits the light switch. Then they pretend to be asleep, with D.J. even fake snoring.]

Danny: [opens their door and turns the lights on] Girls? Are you awake?

D.J.: Dad, is that you?

Stephanie: Is it morning?

Danny: D.J., Stephanie, please come over here right now. Girls, we have a problem with Uncle Jesse.

D.J.: Oh, no, Dad, we didn't have any problems with Uncle Jesse at all.

Danny: I'm sorry. He was just so irresponsible. [looking under the table] What is this? Uh-oh. Empty bowls and empty cartons. [sarcastically] Oh, now I see what happened. Uncle Jesse forced ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk down your throats – and then he hid the evidence under your table. Oh, the sick fiend. He probably ignored you when you told him no sweets after bedtime, huh?

D.J.: Probably.

Danny: No 'probably' about it, because otherwise you'd be lying. And you know better than that, don't you?

Stephanie: Probably.

Danny: Well, that does it. I guess asking Uncle Jesse to move in here was a big mistake. In fact, this may be a matter for the police. Now, sweet dreams, my perfect little angels.

[The girls head over to Jesse's room.]

D.J.: Uncle Jesse?

Jesse: Whatever it is, the answer's no.

D.J.: We just wanted to say thanks for trying to keep us out of trouble. The only reason we took advantage of you was because you had no idea what you were doing.

Stephanie: From now on, we'll be good and do whatever you say.

D.J.: Steph, don't get crazy. [to Jesse] We'll try to do better.

Stephanie: You can cover up my bunnies if you want.

Jesse: That's all right. Your bunnies are growing on me.

Stephanie: We really love you.

Jesse: Well, I love you girls too. But next time you pull that stuff on me ... I'm still gonna love you.

Danny: Okay now, either you girls go to bed for real or I'm taking everything out of your room and turning it into a 24-hour mini-mart.

D.J.: Good night, everybody.

Stephanie: Good night, Daddy. Good night, Michelle. Good night, Uncle Jesse.

Danny: [to Stephanie] Good night, honey. [to Jesse] Hi.

Jesse: Hi.

Danny: Want a piece of pizza?

Danny: [attempting to sing ] Lullaby and good night. And there's more words I'm not sure of...

Joey: Conga! [And the guys do just that, as they carry Michelle to her room.]