What a Steal

Attention, everyone, this meeting of the Reptile Club will come to order.

Uh, Ravi? We need to talk.

(Clicking)

Uh, can it wait?

Glenda, the Gecko, is about to go over the minutes.

Ever since the school Reptile Club disbanded, you've been acting a little strange.

It did not disband.

The principal shut us down for losing an unacceptable number of snakes in the library.

One is unacceptable.

(Gasps) Ew! What's that?

Oh! Mrs. Kipling was kind enough to bring the refreshments.

They are cute and nutritious.

Mm. Please tell me you're not gonna try one of those on a cracker.

Okay, look, Ravi, I think it's time you made some new friends.

You know, ones that are warm-blooded and alive.

That is what the principal said.

Right before he screamed for the anti-venom.

Good thing I always pack that in your lunch.

Anyway, I found this group you might like.

It's called The Intelligentsia Club.

Oh, I know what Intelligentsia is.

A group for people with genius IQs, who do not wish to associate with numbskulls.

Hey, just 'cause someone isn't a genius, doesn't make 'em a numbskull.

Actually, according to theories of phrenology, diminished cranial sensitivity is directly related to stupidity.

Yeah, you're gonna fit right in.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪ ♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪ ♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪ ♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Hey, Bertram!

I've, uh, got some fun plans today, if you're looking for something to do.

I'm not.

To me, doing something is a distant second to doing nothing.

There's a collectible show in the park.

I've been looking for a Mickey Mantle rookie card, and I bet they'll have lots of other cool stuff, too.

Ooh! You think they'll have cuckoo clocks?

Uh...

Would it be a collectibles show if they didn't?

Good point! I'll go get my collecting gloves.

Oh! You mean the ones with the orange stains?

Sometimes I collect cheese puffs.

Hey, Emma. Oh, you left your wallet at home.

Oh.

Wow, that's a fancy ring to wear to work.

Oh, this old thing?

It's just my burger-flipping diamond.

Jessie, look!

It is the international crossword puzzle champ!

You did not tell me there would be celebrities here!

That's 'cause there aren't.

Wow!

Crossword puzzles aren't the only thing filled with squares.

Hey, did I hear you guys talking about crosswords?

I was front row at that championship match.

(Scoffs) Lucky! I had to listen to it on wide world of nerds.

Wasn't it amazing when he won with that four letter word for a Middle Eastern goat?

Both: Ibex!

Which school do you attend?

NYU Medical. I'm specializing in Psychiatry.

So, you are the world's youngest Jungian?

I'm a-Freud, I am.

(Both laughing)

Wow!

Well, I'll let you two get your geek on. (Chuckles)

I'll pick you up at three.

Oh, hi. Oh, hi.

I'm Scott. Are you here for the Intelligentsia meeting?

You betcha! I mean, indubitably.

So, what's your IQ?

Or should I wait to ask you that on our first date?

Are we going on a date?

Is any fraction with zero as its denominator undefined?

Yes?

Great! Good!

How about tonight?

Sure! Yeah. I can always translate The Odyssey into Greek tomorrow.

Uh, the original is in Greek.

I knew that. I was just testing you.

Pass!

Madeline, welcome.

I am so happy Ravi made a friend.

I mean, so happy! So, so, so, so...

Okay, Jessie!

I think we are good.

Will you be joining us for a round of Advanced Aztec Trivia?

Gee, I wish I could.

But I've got to go find an outfit and double my IQ before my date with Buff 'N Brainy!

Oh, Zuri, meet Madeline, my new friend.

New friend?

Whatever Jessie is paying you, she should double it.

Do you not have some inane country music to listen to?

You're a country fan? Me, too!

Next to Power Ponies, it's my favorite thing ever!

I love power ponies! (Both screaming)

What is happening?

Wanna watch Power Ponies season three with bloopers?

Stardust keeps forgetting her lines.

Uh, hello?

Madeline and I were about to go over calculus flashcards.

Don't you think she's a little too young to be your friend?

No, she is my intellectual equal!

And I am sure she'll prefer higher math to a mind-numbing spree of equine comedy.

Ravi, I do love those formulas, but I'm also a card-carrying Pony Pal.

Be right back. Promise.

(Sighs) I rue the day those ponies received their powers from the magical rainbow crystal.

Curses! I have become what I despise!

(Chuckles)

Hey, this is all sports stuff!

You know I hate sports!

I'm sure you can find something you like here.

You collect everything.

That's not true. I'm very selective.

You need a snowplow to get to your bed.

Yeah, luckily, I've got one in my closet.

Just can't get to it.

Look, Bertram, I just want you to have a good time, okay?

That's why I brought you here.

Or is it because of that sign that says "Minors must be accompanied by an adult"?

What?

I did not read that on the website at all.

It was kind of you to placate Zuri.

It must have been tiresome to sit through that animated swill.

Actually, I really like Power Ponies.

Zuri has cooties.

Anyhoo, first trivia question.

This reptilian snake... Quetzalcoatl!

Correct. And now some hard ones.

Oh, hey, I'm Emma.

Oh, hi!

You're that pretty girl who wore that gorgeous ring to work today!

Aw! Back off. She is my friend.

I will get some more challenging questions.

I could answer these when I was in Pull-Ups.

Please, do not tell her how recent that was.

That's a beautiful necklace you're wearing.

Oh, this is just my reality-show watching ruby.

You should see the diamond I wear for awards shows.

It weighs more than Ravi.

Ooh, I'd love to see that!

Okay, BRB with the bling!

Hey, everything's going great.

The nanny's gone, and the kids are right where we want 'em.

We're gonna clean out this cushy crib.

I'm bored. I wanna go home!

Okay, I'm, I'm sure we can find you something.

Hey, Bertram, look...

(Chuckles) A wrestling belt!

You like wrestling, right?

Don't like that. It's stupid.

Fine, let's just move on.

Ow! You're mean!

(Sobbing)

(Shushing)

(Groans)

He gets like this when he hasn't had his nap.

Okay, if I get you cotton candy, will you please behave?

Only if it's blue.

(Groans)

Ooh, that one must have cost a fortune!

Yep. Almost a whole week's allowance.

Emma, you stole my friend!

Did not!

The irony here is that you both stole her from me!

More like saved her from death by boredom.

Guys, don't fight!

Look, I have an idea.

In my psychiatric research, I discovered a new type of family therapy.

It's rather intense, but it works.

It's called Handcuff Therapy.

Unless those are sterling silver, they're not going on my wrists.

I'm telling you, this is very effective.

Now, everyone, sit down with your backs to each other.

Why? Just trust me.

No, I trust you, but the last time I turned my back on Zuri she affixed a "Kick Me" placard to my posterior.

Did not! I stuck it on your butt!

See, you guys need this.

Studies find when you connect yourself with someone physically, you feel more connected emotionally, and are forced to resolve conflict.

Does this really solve problems?

It's gonna solve my cash-flow problem.

I don't understand.

I'm robbing you.

Is this part of the therapy?

How do you even dress yourself?

She conned us!

Madeline, I thought we were friends.

We had so much in common.

The crossword champ, the astrolabes...

(Gasps) I flashed my cards for you!

Sorry, nerd, it's just business.

(Both laughing)

So, do you only go out with fellow geniuses, or do you date outside of your percentile?

Oh, I date all kinds of guys.

Yeah, smart ones, dumb ones.

Lots of dumb ones.

They must've been fools if they let you go.

Oh! Scott, that's so sweet!

Do you have any flaws?

I mean, cologne abuse, unbearable karaoke choices, shared custody of a hamster with your ex?

No. Who does those things?

No one I've dated.

Come on, you must have some flaw.

Not really. I'm just a normal guy.

(Screams) Spider!

And, there it is.

Sorry, it's just that I have a little phobia when it comes to...

OMG, it's on the pizza!

That's a mushroom.

Okay, okay, but just in case, could you please put your napkin over it?

You know, I think this is the time when I usually go to the bathroom, and never come back.

Wa... Wait, stay! I'll be fine, I promi...

Did you see that?

The napkin moved!

Okay, we're done here.

No, wait! No, thank you!

Okay, now can we go look at the baseball cards?

Right after we get a banana shake.

No! You've already had cotton candy, a balloon, and you got to be a big, scary tiger.

Now it's time to do what I want!

Forget it. You only used me 'cause you needed an adult.

I want a 'nana shake!

I want a 'nana shake!

I want a 'nana shake!

(Whining)

Okay, I give up!

I've been looking for this Mickey Mantle rookie card for years.

And I thought you, as a collector, would understand how important that was.

But since you're not having fun, let's just go home.

Fine. I guess we can go look for your card.

But you're not gonna find any bargains here.

(Scoffs) Let me guess, all the good deals are by the pony rides?

No, I'm only telling you to avoid the tables up front.

These guys are pros.

All their stuff is way overpriced.

Well, it is. Just own it.

So where am I supposed to look?

In the back.

You want a disorganized table manned by someone who doesn't know or care what they have for sale.

They just wanna unload it and go home.

But I can't dig through all that stuff by myself.

It would take forever.

Let's do this.

Oh, thanks, Bertram!

Hey, up top!

Not until I get my 'nana shake.

(Elevator dings)

All: Jessie, help!

Guys, I told you, when Luke gets out his magic kit, just leave the room.

It wasn't Luke.

It's Madeline! She's a thief!

Hey, Nanny McDweeb, you're back early.

Wait! You're a thief?

I thought you were a tiny psychiatrist.

If you cannot trust a strange kid you pick up in the park, who can you trust?

(Elevator dings)

Jessie!

Scott, I already told you it's over.

But before you leave, could you please call the police and tell them this horrible little girl is robbing us.

Oh, that horrible little girl is my sister.

What? No!

(Grunts) I work with her.

For her! Oh!

And that's for calling me horrible!

Jessie started it! Wait! No! Okay!

Ow! (Grunts)

Wait, so you lied to me, took my family hostage, and now you're robbing us?

Kinda.

Still not my worst date.

When I asked you if you had any flaws, why didn't you mention that you're a liar and a thief?

Duh, because I'm a liar and a thief.

Cram it, Scott!

Get upstairs and grab the heavy stuff.

Can you try not to mess that up?

Please don't yell at me in front of the captives!

I am so telling Mom how you almost blew this.

You're off the Vegas job!

I love Vegas!

Okay, we're gonna push our backs together, stand up and move across to the elevator.

Ready? Go!

(All grunting)

Okay, come on! Use your cores!

I have no core!

Leave me! Save yourselves!

(PANTS)

Don't you think we would if we could?

Okay, Plan B. We butt-scoot across the floor.

Ready, go! (All grunting)

Ow! Someone scooted on my hand!

I... I think it is broken.

It's not our fault you have the bones of a 95-year-old woman.

Drink some milk!

(Grunts)

Zuri, slow down, you're pulling my wrist!

And it's turning green from these cheap cuffs.

Wow, you guys act like you've never been handcuffed and robbed before!

What? The drill team state championship was in a very dodgy part of Houston.

A mint condition Mickey Mantle rookie card for 50 bucks!

This is awesome!

All because a guy left his bitter ex-wife three storage units to clean out.

(Both laughing)

Hey, uh, I'm sorry I tricked you, Bertram.

Today was actually really cool.

Hanging out as friends, instead of, you know, master and servant.

How kind of you, sire.

I had fun, too.

Teaching a child how to sift through the possessions of a co-dependent feuding couple, it's what life's all about.

Oh, uh, by the way, I got you a little something.

What? (Gasps)

A cuckoo clock? You found one!

Yeah. It's a Derek Jeter limited edition cuckoo clock.

They're very rare. And very weird.

(Recorded voice) Jeter! Jeter! Jeter!

(LAUGHS) I love it!

Thank you, Luke.

Aw! (Chuckles)

Let's never speak of this again.

Wasn't planning to.

Guys, we gotta sync up our tushes.

Ready? Scoot! Scoot! Shoot!

Where do you guys think you're going?

Nowhere! Just taking a little scoot around the room.

Captivity is no reason to quit exercising!

Tell that to the chunky lizard upstairs.

(Gasps) Mrs. Kipling is not chunky.

She is just big scaled!

Dude, get some human friends.

I was trying to! With you!

And how's that working out for ya?

How did you meet that Madeline anyway?

At a mixer Jessie forced me to attend.

Another epic nanny fail.

Uh, I'm right here!

So, this was all Jessie's fault?

What else is new?

Okay, that's it. I've had enough!

The entire Ross family has treated me like garbage for years.

You should've seen how we treated nannies one through ten.

I work seven days a week making sure four incredibly spoiled kids don't rip each other apart, I get paid bupkis, and no one ever bothers to say, "Thank you!"

All: Thank you?

Now you guys have the nerve to blame me for what's happening here?

It's payback time.

Guys, I wanna join your team.

All: What the what?

I can give you all their credit cards, PIN-numbers, and the combination to the safe hidden behind that obnoxious family portrait in the master bedroom.

You said our matching Christmas sweaters were adorable!

I lied.

The combination is 0-3-24-01.

(Zuri, Emma and Ravi gasp)

Ooh, those numbers are my birthday.

I guess we know who Mrs. Mommy's favorite is.

And there's a lot more stuff hidden around here.

Let me go, and we can split the haul three ways.

Sounds good to me!

Me, too!

You're cold, vicious, and heartless!

You're the big sister I always wanted.

(Elevator dings)

Oh.

Hey guys, we found some amazing stuff!

It's worth a fortune! Yeah.

Great! Wanna see a trick?

She's gone rogue! Call the cops!

No, call the cops! She's robbing us!

Guys, keep it down!

Jessie's gonna show me a trick.

Hey! No! My Mickey Mantle card is in there!

Don't take my cuckoo clock!

(Sobbing)

The big one's really annoying.

No wonder she wants out!

Mom is gonna love you.

All right, let's lock these guys out on the terrace so they don't get any bright ideas.

I begged your parents to screen her more carefully.

(All gasping)

(Sobbing)

Come on, go over there!

Yeah. Oh, oh.

Do you have a plan?

No, I just wanna sit. Ah.

I can't believe Jessie really turned on us.

Oh, she's gotta be faking it.

If she's that good at faking it, seems like she would book more acting jobs.

Luke is right. Our beloved Jessie would never betray us.

That traitorous she-devil!

You could knock me over with a feather.

We know. We have.

Told you guys I'd hook you up.

And you did.

Sorry I pegged you for a goody two shoes, old maid, brat-tamer.

She's not that old.

You guys must have been voted most popular kids in reform school.

He should have been voted the laziest.

Would it have killed you to pick up a flat screen or two?

Hey, Scott's doing his best.

Which is why I picked up something especially for him.

You did? Yeah.

(Screaming) Spiders!

Get 'em away from me!

Not until the cops come!

Get off me, you big dummy!

(Screaming)

I am so embarrassed to be related to you.

Who could have predicted Jessie would turn out to be so treacherous?

I should have seen it coming.

All those times she shut me down when I hit on her.

When we get married, that's gonna get really annoying.

You're still hanging on to that?

She just chained us up and robbed us!

I wish she had cut me in.

I mean, shame on her!

Worst nanny ever.

Guys, it's all over!

The night doorman called the cops, and they detained those creeps downstairs.

All: They did?

Yeah, it was so easy for me to trick them.

Can you believe they bought that garbage about me turning on you guys?

No. No.

Sure can't. No way!

You all thought I turned on you, didn't you?

Like a pit bull with mood swings.

I had fun tonight, Jessie!

Yeah, we should do this again in three to five.

Oh, uh, Madeline, I forgive you, so let us be the best of pen pals while you are at the reformatory.

Uh, that's okay. Don't go to any trouble.

Oh! No trouble at all.

You may be a felon, but you can still be my BFF.

Oh, thanks, but I'll probably mouth off and get my mail privileges revoked.

Then we shall video chat and you can...

No, we shall not!

OMG, kid, take a hint.

I've gotta find less needy marks.

Oh Ravi don't be sad, you'll make another friend.

One you won't have to get a pat-down to visit.

And in the meantime, I'll be your trivia partner.

Oh! Fantastic!

Let us start with something easy.

Early Druid mythology or Jurassic crustaceans?

Oh, you, you keep those on you?

Great!

(Chuckling nervously)

Oops! Did, did I forget to put that back?

Oh, I just wanted to wear it to the deli!

The guy who makes the egg salad is so cute.