Bad Tina

(dog barks)

(tires screech)

Okay, everyone, I hope you've all chosen your lab partners wisely.

I have.

You'll notice a mixture in front of you on the Bunsen burner.

Buns... sen.

This mixture is the most powerful love potion known to man.

Whatever you do, don't drink it.

Jimmy Junior, no!

It will make you want to touch each other's butts!

Too late.

I don't need a love potion to want to do that stuff... with you.

(glass shatters)

Miss Jacobson: Chad doesn't have a partner.

Maybe he can join you.

(moans)

The more the merrier.

(moans)

Linda: Kids...!

Linda: Time for breakfast!

Damn.

What kind of a maniac wakes up an hour early to write erotic fan fiction?

Me.

Louise: Are there any shows or movies left in the world that you haven't perved up?

No.

That's why I've started writing erotic friend fiction.

Using people at school and zombies.

Oh! Do the janitor and the vice principal.

I think they'd have beautiful children.

I did and they don't.

Good morning, my little late bird. What's with the vest?

It's my Welcome Wagon vest.

I'm showing a new girl around school today.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, Bob, this is what we're seeing tonight! Ugh.

Commercial Announcer: Experience patty cake like never before.

Cake. The New York Times says, "Cake makes everything we've been doing with our hands obsolete."

This week at the Wharf Arts Center.

War Farts!

Wow. What a must-miss.

No kidding.

Stop it. We're going.

(chanting): Let's get to Cake as fast as we can! Ah!

Bob: Ugh.

This is the cafeteria, And that's our American flag...

Tina, no offense, but this tour is giving me a snore-gasm.

Show me something good.

Well, there's a typo on the lunch menu. It says "browie."

Seriously, what do you do for fun around here?

I think there's more on the Tina tour than you're showing me.

Okay. There is one place I like to go.

Tammy: What is this?

Tina: The boys' locker room. You can only see up to their ankles.

So, you just go around looking through random holes?

Yes, but not anymore. Now I just look through this one.

Those are Jimmy Junior's feet.

I can tell by the way he walks.

So confident, but still figuring things out.

Zeke: Ha! (chuckles)

Jimmy Jr.: No, Zeke!

Skid marks. (chuckles)

That's not funny.

They're stripes.

Smelly stripes. (chuckles)

Zeke: Phew, you stink!

Tammy: Okay, and who is that?

Zeke. He's got some hyper in his diaper.

I'd like to see what that shin bone's connected to. Tammy, don't.

Someone might see us.

Man: Hey, what's going on in there?

Hi, Coach Blevins.

(Tina groans)

I can't believe I got detention.

It's no big deal, Tina.

Don't have a crap attack.

Sucks they give you detention for wrestling in the library.

What is this, Nicaragua? Yeah, this school's lame, right, Zeke?

(Zeke scoffs)

That's Jimmy Junior and Zeke.

The feet from the locker room.

Mm, manimal.

Introduce me, okay?

(smacks lips)

Here.

Oh. Mmuh, mm...

Hey Jimmy Junior! Zeke.

This is Tammy.

She's new at school.

Hey, (giggles) What's...

Hi, what's up?

My loog.

(hacks, then spits)

(grunts)

You like that, baby?

No.

Nice loogie, Zeke.

Hey, Jimmy Junior, look at this.

(hacking, chokes, coughing)

I'm okay.

Tina! Where the hell have you been?

Did you fall in something shiny on your lips?

Mm. (smacks lips)

Strawberry.

I got detention.

Others: Detention?!

Really?

I can't believe this!

Detention is no big deal, Mom.

Don't have a crap attack.

What did you just say?

A crap attack.

Don't have one.

(gasps) Don't you tell me not to have a crap attack!

I'll have a crap attack any time I want! Now, go to your room!

This is such a snore-gasm.

(exhales)

What the hell was that about?

What is it? Yeah. A crap attack?

I don't know. Do you?

Don't look at me. Well, you're the one that wanted to have one.

You're the one that sent her to her room for saying it. I don't know what these kids are saying.

Don't have a crap attack.

(laughing and screaming)

Nice, Bob. Nice.

(giggles)

I can't believe Tina got detention.

She's changing, Bobby.

Tina's turning into a teen.

You've lost her, Mom. Time to focus on your good daughter.

Gene.

I'm pretty.

You know, maybe you're overreacting, Lin.

I mean, you did have a crap attack. Ha...!

She's supposed to baby-sit tonight while we're at Cake.

Can we even trust her now?

That's a good point.

Maybe we should stay home.

What?

Please?

We're not skipping Cake.

Okay, fine. But I'm gonna complain the whole time.

Yeah!

You're the baddest girl in detention, Tina.

Tell me about it, stud.

(giggles) I'm a stud.

I'm an idiot. I know, Zeke.

Don't talk anymore Tammy, spill that.

Jimmy Junior, mop that up with your pants.

Okay.

Linda: Tina!

We're waiting for you!

(big sigh)

We need to go over some ground rules for tonight, Miss Mouthy.

No boys, no parties, no summoning spirits or switching bodies, and no filling the house with soap bubbles.

You hear me, Tina?

Yes. I wear glasses, not hearing aids, Mom.

Ho! Well, I don't wear a hearing aid either, so I didn't hear that.

Haw!

Well, good night.

What are you doing with the emergency cell phone?

Texting my friend Tammy.

That'll cost a fortune!

We have a terrible data plan!

Tammy wants to come over.

I texted back a smiley face.

She texted back some letters I don't understand.

I think she's coming over.

Oh, my God, is she or isn't she?

I can't wait to ha...

(snores)

Louise, wake up, Louise!

(screaming)

Ugh.

Huh?

Cute room. I used to have one of these. I cut its mane off.

I bet that looked cool.

I'm totally going to do that.

(whispers): No, I won't.

This is like watching two monkeys at the puberty zoo.

What's wrong with her face?

Looks like she needs a flu shot in her eyes.

What's this?

It's my erotic friend fiction.

"Tina reached towards Jimmy Junior's butt: "'Your lips say no but your butt says yes.'" This is hilarious!

It's not meant to be hilarious.

It's supposed to be erotic.

Maybe you don't understand it.

Oh, I understand. And I'm into it.

But never let Jimmy Junior see this.

He'd be weirded out and he'd never talk to you again.

Really? Oh, my God, there's a little drawing here of Jimmy Junior's butt.

(laughs)

(farts) Wha...?

What just happened?

I think Tammy laugh-farted.

That really smells, Tammy.

What? I didn't fart, you did!

Oh. Okay.

Come on, if you're gonna be loud, you gotta be proud!

Anyway, since you're such a good writer, how about texting Zeke and Jimmy Junior and inviting them over?

I need a Zeke peek.

I'm not allowed to have boys over.

(groans) Come on, Tina.

Bring your friend fiction to life.

Uh...

Come on, do it, do it.

Do it, Do it. Good. Okay, okay.

I'll tell them to get their butts over here. Yeah.

How do you do an emoticon for butt? Three.

Three... three...

Oh, I hope you got a jar to pee in, Gene.

We're gonna be in here a long time.

I've got Tina's rain boot.

Okay. I'll take the other one.

(rhythmic clapping)

Isn't her hair cute?

I did it.

Do I look just like Tammy?

This is Tina talking, not Tammy.

Uh, I know who you are.

Oh, 'cause I look like Tammy.

No, not really. When I'm 14, I'm gonna shave my head bald.

You guys want to play truth or dare?

Great, good. I dare us all to drink this!

Margarita Mix!

The heavy stuff!

Cool.

That's my mom's!

I know, I took a little booze cruise through your living room.

Does margarita mix have alcohol in it?

No. Mom uses it to fill the humming bird feeder.

(gulps) Oh, my God, I totally feel it.

Whoo! Come on now, let's kick on some tunes!

I want to hear some FM, baby.

(grunting)

You're disgusting. Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, my God. I can't stop.

Come on, girl! Come on!

I can't stop! I can't stop!

I'm dancing!

I'm dancing, baby!

(gasps) My porcelain horse, Horselain!

Leg's broke. We gotta shoot it.

Sorry, Horselain.

Let's shift into after-party mode.

(turns off radio) Okay, after party is over. Time to go home.

Come on, Tina. We were just starting to have fun.

I got to go anyway.

My dad's girlfriend just had a baby and she's nursin'.

I want to go check that stuff out.

I'd check that out with you, Zeke.

Tina: I'll walk you out.

Come on, Tammy!

(sighs) So lame.

Later, square bear.

Bye.

(sighs)

Louise: Tina, Tina, Tina.

Or should we say Margaritina?

Don't tell Mom and Dad.

Okay, but it's gonna cost you.

$10,000.

Or... you do all our chores for a month!

Oh, that's better.

That's better.

First chore: rinse all the pee out of these boots.

And this one needs plunging!

Linda: We're back!

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

How was Cake?

Eh...

Loved it!

It made me so hungry.

Now, I'm craving cake.

Who wants to cake with me?

Gene?

No thanks. Ever.

Oh, you changed your hair.

Or maybe her hair changed her.

♪ Dum dum dum. ♪

There's nothing sweet in here.

Maybe I'll have a drink instead.

No!

No?

What's gotten into you, Little Miss Mommy Can't Drink?

You did hit those Sambucas pretty hard during intermission, Lin. Hey! If they didn't want you to pound 'em down, they'd give you more than ten minutes, right?

Oh, you are drunk, Mom.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, 'cause you're yelling.

I'm talking normal.

Hm.

Mommy doesn't get drunk.

She just has fun. Crackers, where's the crackers?

You're coming to bed with me. Come on.

(sighs with relief)

Hey, Tina, since you crapped out last night, I talked Zeke and Jimmy Junior into cutting and going to the mall.

Cutting what?

Cutting classes.

Come on. You owe me.

Sorry, Tammy.

I don't want to cut.

I thought you might be like this.

(gasps) That's my erotic friend fiction!

Uh-uh-uh. See, this stays with me.

And if you don't stop acting like a prude-a-bega and come to the mall, I'm going to give it to Jimmy Junior!

But you said if he ever saw it, he'd never talk to me again.

Yeah. It's called a threat.

Oh. But I thought we were friends.

We are. That's why I'm making you go on a double date with me.

Don't be such a boob punch.

Okay. But first, let's fix you up.

Hello, Glamsterdam.

Now we're ready to go to the mall.

Ollie (screams): Bathroom clowns! much better than being in school right now?

Yeah. Hell, yeah! I guess.

Jimmy Junior, what do you think of Tina's new look?

Pretty trash-tastic, huh?

Yeah, I mean... sort of.

Piercing booth!

Y'all do nips or scrotes?

Tina, let's get our tongues pierced!

I-I don't want to pierce my tongue.

Yes, you do.

No, I really don't.

Jimmy Junior, you can read, right?

Yeah.

Mr. School.

Not really.

Fine. I'll do it.

But I only have three dollars and a coupon for my dad's restaurant. Okay.

What can we get for that?

I can give you temporary tattoos.

Temp tramp stamps!

Where's Tina?

She should be doing this.

I'm so tired of being hurt by her.

It's a bunch of grown-ups playing patty-cake.

I don't get it, Bob.

Then you don't get me, Teddy.

You don't get me.

Oh, he's been slapping everything since we got back from that show.

It's called "caking," Lin.

You know. You were there.

No, I don't know.

No. I fell asleep.

Come on. Do it with me.

No! My hands still hurt from yesterday.

Teddy? How about you?

Put up your hands. No, thank you.

I just kind of want to cake with somebody!

All right.

Ow!

I don't like it, I don't like it.

Stop!

Keep your hands up!

I don't like it!

I don't like this!

Keep 'em up!

Just stop!

Just stop, Bob.

I don't like it.

Don't lower your hands, Teddy!

You're scaring him.

Oh...

He's crying.

It's not fun for everyone, Bob.

(bell on door chimes)

Tina! You're late!

You didn't get detention again, did you?

No. I'm just late, okay?

What is all that goop on your face?

And why are you showing so much skin?

(sighs)

(sighs)

Is that a dinosaur over your tar pit?

Here you go.

What? No.

Oh, you want us to tell Mom and Dad about your margarita party?

And your new tat?

Uh... no, I'll do it.

Oh, okay!

And when you're done here, change my litter box.

And don't tell Mom and Dad about my litter box.

Tina!

There you are.

I told Zeke and Jimmy Junior that we'd hang out at the park tonight, and you'd bring margaritas.

No, Tammy, I can't.

Ah! Tina!

Can't you tell that Jimmy Junior likes the new you?

Yeah, I guess.

Then why do you keep fighting it?

I wish I didn't have to force you have fun.

Sorry.

You know what?

Let's see what happens when we lose the glasses.

They kind of make your face look like math class.

Thank you?

No, math class is bad.

Oh.

There we go.

That's so much better, right?

Yeah.

Ah!

Oh, no.

Ow. Tina? Tina?

What the hell is going on?

I wasn't sneaking out.

Try again!

Over here. Woo-hoo!

What happened to your glasses?

And where were you going with my margarita mix?

I was just gonna meet some people at the park.

What?

(phone buzzing)

Hold on.

The emergency phone's buzzing.

"Where are you?"

Who the hell is texting the emergency phone?

It's my friend Tammy.

What?

Can I just text her back?

She'll be really mad if I don't.

No! You may not text her back, or anyone.

Mom! Stop being a boob punch.

Boob punch?

Your mother's not being a boob punch, Tina.

That's it. You're grounded.

(Tina sighs, phone buzzes)

"Your three is grass."

I don't get it.

Oh. "Your ass is grass."

It's not funny.

I didn't say it was funny.

I just said I figured it out.

(tap)

(tap)

Why weren't you at the park?

I looked like an idiot!

I'm sorry. I got grounded.

You wrecked my chances with Zeke.

That's actually good, Tammy.

Zeke's really gross.

I don't feel that way!

Please don't give my journal to Jimmy Junior.

Oh, I'm not.

Oh, good.

Yeah, no, I'm going to read your freak fiction out loud to everyone tomorrow during lunch.

No, you can't.

It includes material that may not be suitable for all ages.

(fakes crying): Don't worry.

No one's going to hear all the nasty details over the judgmental laughing!

You're going down, Tina!

(moans)

Tina, hurry up.

You might be grounded, but you still got to go to school, little lady.

Mom, I have a fever.

It says you're done if you're a pork loin.

Meat thermometer?

What, are you new here?

Well, let's go, little piggy.

Off to school!

I can't go to school today.

Why?

Because.

Why?

Because Tammy stole my erotic friend fiction.

She's gonna read it out loud during lunch today.

Everyone's gonna laugh at me and think I'm a freak, especially Jimmy Junior.

(crying)

Aw...

Is that why you've been acting so bad lately?

Yeah. She's blackmailing me.

Blackmail?

No one blackmails our sister but us!

Yeah! Messing with Tina is a privilege, not a right.

All right, you two, scoot.

I need some private time with Tina.

Tina...

Tammy can't embarrass you.

The only one who can embarrass you is you.

Yeah?

And you're a creative, imaginative girl.

You just be you, and Tammy can go sit in syrup.

Let the bees get her.

What about Jimmy Junior?

He's into dancing, right?

He probably likes the artsy-fartsy girls like you.

Maybe you're right, Mom.

Yeah, of course I'm right.

I've got nothing to be embarrassed about.

No, you do not.

I'm going to write the most erotic, graphic, freakiest friend fiction ever.

All right!

Freaky friend fiction!

And I'm gonna read it to the whole school myself.

That's the Tina I know!

C'mere.

♪ My little baby's back ♪ ♪ My teeny Tina. ♪

Louise: Yeah, that's right.

Put on that pretty, pretty lipstick, Tammy.

Then kiss you ass goodbye with it.

Yeah! Unless you lived inside of Mom, you can't mess with Tina.

We're Belchers, from the womb to the tomb!

We need to get that backpack and steal the journal back from her.

Hello.

Andy, can I take your backpack on a walk?

We'll be back in two minutes.

My backpack's gonna miss your backpack.

We'll get through this.

Sorry, gotta frisk you for weapons.

Ugh. You got brownie all over me, jerk.

She's clean.

(toilet flushes)

Ooh, yikes.

Try some club soda.

Oh, thanks so much.

Was I talking to you?

(laughing): I guess you weren't.

Ha ha ha ha!

Sucker.

I got the goods.

On to the cafeteria to save Tina!

And get me another browie!

So Tina's rotten friend Tammy threatened to read Tina's private writing in front of the whole school.

But we had a talk, and Tina's feeling better, so...

What'd you tell her?

I told her she's very creative, and not to be embarrassed, no matter what. Well, that's good advice.

Yeah. And then Tina had a great idea.

She's gonna read her erotic friend fiction out loud to the whole class herself.

Tina's gonna read her erotic friend fiction out loud at school?

That's a great idea?

Huh. When you say it like that, it doesn't sound as good as when I said it with Tina.

Right, 'cause she's gonna read...

Both: ...erotic friend fiction out loud at school. out loud...

Loud... at school.

At school!

Oh, my God!

What have I done? I'll drive.

Attention, everybody.

It's time for announcements.

The first one is from our new student, Tammy Larson.

Good afternoon, everybody.

(clears throat)

I would like to present to you a...

What the hell?

Cool! Mom packed tampons for lunch!

Ooh, share!

I have an announcement.

It's an erotic friend fiction story that I just wrote.

I hope you like it, because you're all in it.

It's called "Buttloose."

This is even better.

Tina! Tina!

We got your journal back from your best friend slash enemy.

I don't need it anymore.

(clears throat)

"It was lunch time at Wagstaff."

Tina: Touching butts had been banned "by the horrible Headmaster Frond."

What?

No... no, no, no.

"Suddenly, Tina Belcher appeared in the doorway."

She knew what she had to do.

She grabbed Jimmy Junior's butt, "and changed the world."

Okay, Tina, that was a great story.

Now let's pass back the mike.

"Everyone began to touch each other's butts.

"Omar touched Jocelyn's butt.

"Chad the Zombie "touched the butt of that girl with the frosted hair from my art class.

I think her name is Kristi."

It's Katie, and ew.

"Even the horrible Headmaster Frond touched Ms. Jacobson's butt."

What?

(stammering)

Tina: "Everyone touched each other's butts, and it was great." All right, come here. Come here, come here.

Come here.

Come here, come over here.

"And then Tammy came up to Tina "and said, 'Sorry for everything.'

Okay...

"Tina said, "That's okay.

Let's go to the movies next week."

"The End."

Linda: Tina!

Don't read your friend fiction!

But I just finished it.

You're a freak!

(laughing)

(farts loudly)

Ooh.

Tammy farted!

Oh, my God!

My ears can smell it!

Laugh fart, laugh fart!

Tammy made a blammy!

Ha ha ha! Gross!

No! It... I didn't do it.

It wasn't my butt.

(farts)

That wasn't me.

(farting)

No!

Oh, ow, ow, ow.

That one hurt.

That wasn't me!

(fading into distance): I didn't do it.

(crying, farting)

Why are you guys here?

I realized maybe reading your friend fiction in front of everyone wasn't the best idea.

It turned out okay, I think.

No.

No.

Honey...

No, I think it did.

No. No, I'm gonna regret it for the rest of my life.

I think people liked it.

Man, that girl really farted, huh?

Hey, Tina.

Was the Jimmy Junior in your story supposed to be me?

Oh, uh... it's a really common name.

Yeah. It is.

Cool story.

Thanks.

Tina, what was that...

Bob? You're a patty daddy?

I love cake!

Want to cake with me?

Oh. You know, I'm really not a fan.

A patty cake, a patty cake, a baker's man! Woo!

Okay, all right.

Work it! That's it.

Got it!

More! Low!

Oh!

High!

Down!

Uh, you guys gotta take this outside.

Let's take it outside.

Okay, let's go.

Hi, see you later.

Okay...

Having your parents at school.

There's nothing more embarrassing than that.