Boy Barry

Adult Adam: Back in the '80s, the mustache was king. Nothing said "I'm a man" like a bristly patch of lip hair. But the manliest mustache of all was Magnum, P.I. himself, Tom Selleck... Next to my dad's, that is.

Hoo-hoo! Look at Magnum go!

Such power and grace.

Like a mustachioed gazelle in a Hawaiian shirt.

He got the idea for the 'stache from his new best friend, Bill Lewis, and it bonded them like we'd never seen before.

You know, I used to think his was a lip wig, but he swims with it.

That's the real deal.

You're looking pretty bushy there, too, Mur-man.

Thick and manly yourself, Billy-boy.

As much as my dad loved his new mustache, my mom hated it.

He looks like a criminal or the tenor in a damn barbershop quartet.

Don't go around saying your husband's in a barbershop quartet.

That is the lowest form of musical entertainment.

Just use an instrument, damn it.

You know, the only reason he grew that mug rug is 'cause Bill pushed him into it.

I'm telling you, the guy's a bad influence.

So, it's not the ferkokte mustache you hate, it's Bill.

Stop. I like Bill all right.

Well, except for the way he dresses, drives, walks, talks, eats, thinks, laughs, and tilts his stupid bald head to the side when he's confused.

Yep, you could say my mother wasn't the biggest fan of my dad's bestie, who was hanging around more and more.

Ooh, Charlie's Angels.

Who are they chasing? Where's Bosley?

Why is she on a boat?

Who's she kissing?

Are those pirates?

These are the opening credits, Bill.

And while my mom usually called the shots, lately, it seemed that Bill was in charge.

A mustache comb!

And all this time, I've been using a brush with a handle like a jackass.

Give it a whirl, Mur. Take it down to whisker town.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you kidding me with this?

We should be talking about shaving, not grooming.

Come on, lady, everyone knows a man's face is his castle.

His castle, you say?

Oh, yeah. And the mustache is the moat of the mouth.

Without it, the fortress falls.

Who knew? I didn't.

In fact, the mustache is named after the Earl of Mustache.

What did he do?

Well, he was from Mustache, France, and one day he was like, "I'm gonna grow some hair right here."

You can not argue with history, Bevy.

Honey, please, can you just shave it off for me?

Luckily, my mom could always win using her creepy 12-blink puppy dog stare...

This is the new me.

...until now.

Oh, yeah. Getting in all the nooks and crannies.

Fantastic.

Get it, Mur.

I'm getting it.

You go on and get it.

Oh, I'm getting it but good.

Get it, doggy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Barks]

Is barking a mustache thing?

Oh, yeah.

Go on, doggy.

I'm going!

[Barks]

Oh, yeah.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪ ♪ I don't know the future ♪ ♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was October 21, 1980-something, and my brother was doing what he did best... being way too cocky.

Uh, you sure this is a good idea, man?

Seems like the ramp points directly at the side of the van, bro.

Honestly, my concern is I jump too high and too far.

Maybe we should put a mattress back there for safety.

JTP!

All: JTP.

Oh, cool.

Barry's doing that sweet trick where he damages his head again.

Well, hello, Lainey.

This is all for you, girl.

Time to put myself in serious danger.

Hot, right?

Barry, I told you a million times, jumping stuff does not impress me.

For all of my brother's ridiculous over-confidence.

There was one person who could make him crumble into an insecure mess... his girlfriend, Lainey Lewis.

I'm sorry! I'll never jump stuff again.

See? No more bike.

Okay, so now I'm the lame-ass ball-and-chain who says no to your passions?

So, you do want me to jump stuff?

I don't care, okay? Just do what you want.

I want you to not be mad at me.

I'm not mad at you.

Well, your face and your words are clearly mad.

Oh, my God.

Tell me in words I understand.

What do I do or feel or think?

I think you need to get a grip.

Better yet, get a girl that's not miles out of your league.

Hey, Erica! Look what I can do!

Ooh!

Ugh!

Is she looking?

Erica, I did it!

My God. What is Barry's deal?

It's like he gets more needy and insecure every day.

I live with him. It's constant.

God, I wish there was some way to snap him out of it.

Well, if the goal is to show Barry what an idiot he's being, I do have years of wonderful experience.

So you'd help teach him a lesson?

Unleash me.

I don't know, you look too excited right now.

Excited to help my friend.

Okay, I'm desperate. Let's do it.

Promise you won't be too mean, though.

Promise.

Lainey's in love with another man?!

You're dating a girl way out of your league.

It was bound to happen.

Who is it?! Tell me.

I'll destroy him with my hands and feet.

It's him.

Boy George?

From the glam-pop band Culture Club?

What does he have that I don't have?

He's cute, he's cool, he's stylish... everything you're not.

Then it's settled.

I'm flying to England and challenging him to a duel.

Maybe I'll even slip him my demo tape.

No, I will not get distracted!

Dude, you're missing the point.

If you can rock this look, you can rock Lainey's heart.

Yes.

I don't have to destroy Boy George.

I can be Boy George.

Or should I say "Barry George"?

You should say "Boy Barry".

Really? Barry George sounds better.

It really doesn't.

Boy Barry it is. Thanks, Erica.

I have no idea how I'll ever pay you back.

Money's fine.

I'll smash my piggy bank.

[Coins rattling]

That'll do.

Mom, you need to vacuum in here.

[Engine revs]

[Horn honks, emergency brake clicks]

Bill: I know what you're thinking.

[Car door closes]

And you're right.

I'm Hawaiian super-sleuth Magnum, P.I.

You're right! That's exactly what I was thinking!

My God, Bill, please don't tell me you blew all your money on this thing.

Oh, God, no. I can't afford this car.

Just taking it out for a very leisurely test ride.

I'm sorry, are you saying you have no intention of purchasing?

Because you made it sound like you...

Bup-bup! I'm still considering it, Randy.

Oh, Murray, what do you say we Magnum over to Geno's for cheese steaks?

Oh, no, there's no food allowed in the car.

Uh, and we have to stay within a two-mile radius of the showroom.

Not now, Randy. Let's Magnum!

No magnuming. Uh, Murray and I have plans tonight.

What plans?

I'm gonna iron while he watches TV in his chair.

It's our thing.

Yeah, I can watch you iron tomorrow night.

This just feels right.

Sweet ride, dude!

But you cannot pull off that outfit.

Your son walks his own path. I get what Lainey sees in him.

I don't.

Hey, Mur, take the wheel.

Yeah!

Randy, hit the bricks.

Uh, okay, I will get fired.

Yeah, just stay here for a while.

[Engine turns over]

My mom was livid.

[Tires screech]

She couldn't take it out on my dad, so she took it out on his tighty-whities.

Mustaches, fast cars, Tom Selleck, and where does it end?

With me, all alone, ironing underpants like some goblin who lives beneath the streets.

I think you're overstating it, Bev.

Murray finally has a friend.

You can't change that, and you can't change Bill.

You're right.

That's the answer.

I need to change Bill.

I didn't say "change Bill". I said the exact opposite.

Yeah, you don't need to repeat yourself, Dad, I'll do it.

Do not do it!

Agreed. Doing it.

Do not do it.

Doing it.

I'll change Bill and make him the best best friend my husband could have.

You're just hearing specific words to suit your own horrible needs.

Just.

No!

You're the best, Dad.

As my mom was preparing to fix my dad's best friend, Barry was ready to win Lainey's heart at all costs.

♪ Do you really want to hurt me? ♪ ♪ Do you really want to make me cry? ♪

'Sup, football team?

Looking good, band nerds.

I'll tumble for you, Johnny Atkins.

♪ Precious kisses, words that burn me ♪ ♪ love is...

Oh, my God! What did you tell him?

That you're in love with another boy... George.

Hey, Sweet baby girl.

Need a personal escort to class by Barry George?

Damn it! I meant Boy Barry.

Point is, drink me in.

Oh, God! Stop! Don't do that.

What's the matter? You don't like it?

On Boy George. Not on Barry Goldberg from Jenkintown.

You can't pull this off, Dude.

But I cracked my piggy bank and everything.

We were just trying to teach you a lesson.

You've been so needy lately.

So, this was all a lie? You were just messing with me?

How could you do this?

You're my girlfriend.

I mean, do you really want to hurt me?

Oh, my God. It's happening.

Do you really want to make me cry?

He's saying it for real.

I'm sorry you think I'm so insecure.

Trust me, you don't need to worry anymore.

We're done.

Thanks for inviting me over, Bev.

This shrimp parm is delicious.

Anything for Murray's best friend.

Are you saying that I'm his best friend...

Or did he say that?

Tell me exactly what he said, word for word.

No, don't tell me.

Tell me.

No, he said it.

Yahtzee!

Oh, my God. My heart is beating out of my chest.

Yes, it is very exciting.

And now that you two are best bros, you're not only important to him, you're important to me...

Thanks, Beverly.

That means a lot.

...which is why I've decided, out of the goodness of my heart and because I'm a decent person who cares deeply for my husband, to change you.

Wait. Wh-what?

Bill, you don't have a woman in your life telling you all the things you do that are wrong and stupid.

I will be that woman.

Actually, I really haven't missed that very much.

Look, I'm not trying to change who you are.

I just want to fix how you dress, drive, walk, talk, eat, think, and laugh.

That seems like almost all of me.

I don't understand what's happening.

Bup-bup. Don't move, let's start right there.

Huh?

See? No need for the head tilt.

You're not a confused dog. You're a confused man.

Why the heck are you coming down on me so hard?

Murray's mustache? The Hawaiian shirts?

The defiant attitude?

That's not the husband I created.

Oh, I see what's happening here.

You want to change me because I threaten you.

You threaten me?

[Laughs] Oh-ho, please.

You used to call the shots with Murray, but now you're just passing through Bill country.

We'll see who calls the shots when I get him to shave off his mustache.

Don't you dare!

He looks powerful and handsome, like a circus strong-man.

Well, I think he looks like he's got [Bleep] on his face.

Murray is an eagle that needs to soar, but you just want to lasso him back to the nest.

Oh, he soars!

He soars big-time.

And I am the wind beneath his wings.

Oh, no, I am the wind that blows across the ocean, and Murray is but a leaf on my mighty gust.

You take that back!

Never! There's a new force of nature in Murray's life.

[Inhales deeply, blows]

It's me!

Bill had started the mustache war, but my mom was gonna finish it.

It had been two days since Lainey embarrassed Barry, and he refused to let it go.

Hey.

What do you want?

Got you some Grind wax for your BMX.

Thought I could go watch you jump stuff.

Sorry, you don't get to live the highs and lows that is bicycle motocross through me anymore.

I messed up.

You can't just break up with me. I love you.

Well, if that's how you treat someone you love, count me out.

Don't worry, he'll come crawling back when he realizes that he'll never get a girl like you ever again.

See, that's the whole problem.

For some reason, Barry is convinced I am out of his league.

I may have mentioned it once or twice...

A day.

Oh, then you're gonna help me romance your brother and win him back.

Ew. Never.

Please! There has to be something I can do.

Like Chuck Norris.

Barry loves that dude.

Maybe he can apologize for me.

Chuck seems like an accessible guy, right?

Barry's written to Chuck a few times.

[Chuckling] I think that's a dead end.

Maybe I can jump something to impress Barry or body slam Adam or challenge an animal to a fight.

What's the name of that horse that Barry has a problem with?

If you really want to fix this, just do a big, embarrassing display that says "I love you, and I don't care if I look like an idiot saying it."

If embarrassing myself gets me one more kiss from his drooly, cheeto-dusted lips, I'm in.

I'm sorry, I ca... I can't be with you right now.

I just can't.

As Lainey plotted a way to show Barry her love, my mom's plot to win the war of Murray was in full swing.

Beverly!

Good morning, handsome.

I made your favorite... food.

And here's your newspaper and tushie pillow.

You mowed my Magnum off while I slept.

Who does that?

Funny story. Me.

She lathered your face, shaved you clean, and you didn't even wake up?

When I go down, I go down hard.

Oh, I get a lot done while he's asleep.

Fingernails, nose hairs, rough elbows, q-tip work.

Soup to nuts.

Wow.

It's so smooth, like a puppy's paw.

Let me get in there, see what all the fuss is about.

I want you to drop by Bill's store on your lunch break and show him my handiwork.

Will everybody stop touching me?!

Use my name. It's Beverly. Say it.

I know your name!

Is this why you're doing all of this?

Because you hate my best friend?

I don't hate him, hon.

All I did was show that ridiculous ass-for-brains whose face this is... mine.

And you will speak of what happened here.

Enough! You, me, and Bill are going to talk this out.

You... want to talk?

Of course not.

But you've forced me into it.

I think he's secretly happy. [Chuckles]

While my mom wanted to show Bill she had won, Lainey was trying to win back Barry.

Hey, big tasty. It's me, McDLT.

I keep the hot side hot and the cool side cool.

I'm not interested.

Maybe this will change your mind.

JTP, kick me a beat.

[Beat-boxing poorly]

Let the whole school laugh at me... I don't care.

[Rapping] ♪ I'd do anything for a guy named Barry ♪ ♪ all the girls want him, but I don't want to share-y ♪

What followed was the worst, most ill-conceived rap ever performed in school history.

Unfortunately, Lainey was hot and popular, so this happened.

Hey, Lainey Lewis is rapping. She's awesome.

♪ Love is a love I'm thinking of ♪ ♪ love is a love that loves my love ♪ ♪ love from above fits like a glove ♪

Like any great performance, there was something for everyone.

No, she's making fun of Barry Goldberg's dreams and aspirations.

Hilarious. Give it to him, Lainey!

Well, everyone except Barry, who was elbowed out of his own apology rap, which quickly caught on with the crowd.

♪ Love is a love that loves my love♪

Barry, where are you going?

She's showing how much she loves you by embarrassing herself the way that you would.

She can't even embarrass herself when she tries.

All this proves is what you've always said.

She's out of my league.

While Barry gave up on Lainey, my dad was fighting for Bill.

Okay, you two have forced my hand, so now we're gonna have to talk...

About feelings.

I'll go first.

I'm feeling mad.

You're mad?

How could you let her take your 'stache, Mur? How?

That's not the only thing I took, big guy.

That's not yours! That's a friendship comb!

It's a spoil of war.

Stop it, both of you. There is no war.

Open your eyes, fool. Look at her just peacocking me.

She thinks she's won, but we're just getting started.

Are we, now?

We are.

Court-side seats to the Sixers, Mur.

You want to stay here and watch "Charlie's Angels" or go watch Charlie Barkley?

Nobody calls him that.

Someone does... maybe his mama or a close cousin who's more like a sibling.

All right, enough.

Bevy, you're gonna have to be the bigger person here and apologize so we can move past this.

Me apologize? For what?

That's right, Bevy.

Looks like your man's on my side.

There are no sides.

I think it's time we settle this once and for all.

It's a simple choice, really.

Her or me?

What?

That's right, woman. You forgot.

I negotiate big tile contracts for a living, and I always win.

Overplayed my hand, huh?

Yeah, you did.

Hey, listen. I got a counteroffer.

How about Tuesday nights and every other weekend?

Yeah, the thing is, she's my wife.

It's... it's... it's over.

Nah, I get it.

Makes sense now with a little distance.

Yeah, we probably should have discussed the details of your plan beforehand.

Seems that way.

[Door closes]

It's for the best.

For you.

You're in charge around here, and I'm good with that.

But I kind of liked having a friend, and it would have been nice if you liked him, too.

Even though my mom won the infamous Goldberg mustache war, my dad was the real casualty.

[Horn honking]

[Car door closes]

Who's there? Bill?

Better.

I'm Charlie's most sensible angel, Kate Jackson.

I'm the one who wears pants.

What is this? What's happening?

Glad you asked, Bosley.

I was thinking we could take a little joy ride in this sporty automobile we have no intention of buying.

But you said we were close. I ran a credit check.

Don't blow the sale, Randy.

Honey, I know Bill was your friend, but I'm your best friend.

And any fun you had with him, you can have with me.

I'm sorry, Bevy. It's just not the same.

I'm gonna go in and watch TV.

You can come in and iron if you want.

But I bought a wig.

I will no longer be a pawn in your family drama!

[Engine turns over, revs]

[Tires squeal]

While Randy had had enough, Lainey was finally realizing that it was over with Barry.

[Sighs]

I can't believe it's really over.

You really love that big dummy, don't you?

I really do.

And in that moment, my sister decided to do the last thing she ever wanted to.

Win back my brother's heart.

Put down the Cheetos. Lainey needs you.

♪ In my heart, the fire's burning ♪

Trust me, she doesn't.

She does.

♪ Choose my color, find a star Look, a lot of this is my fault.

I've told you every day that you're not good enough for her.

♪ Precious people always tell me ♪

But you know what?

I was wrong.

She's lucky to have you.

But she embarrassed me in front of the whole school.

And you embarrass her every day by being you.

You're right.

♪ Words are few I have spoken ♪

I'm the worst, and she still loves me.

She loves me!

♪ I could waste a thousand years ♪

That was an amazing thing you just did, honey.

I guess sometimes two people just need each other no matter how weird it seems to everyone else.

That night, Erica didn't just open up Barry's eyes.

She made my mom realize how blind she'd been.

♪ Do you really want to hurt me? ♪

Mom, what are you doing?

♪ Do you really want to make me cry? ♪

Not now, poopie.

♪ Do you really want to hurt me? ♪

I'll catch up with you.

Wear a raincoat next time.

♪ Do you really want to make me cry? ♪

[Knock on door]

Bill, we need to talk.

Who is it?

No one.

I deserve that.

Bill, I am so sorry for everything.

I felt threatened, okay?

I started to think maybe you could give Murray things that I couldn't, but I realize that might actually be a good thing.

You know what's a good thing?

This right here.

And, Lainey, Barry loves you so much.

I think he was so afraid of losing you, he ended up pushing you away.

Lainey! Lainey!

We have to talk.

It's okay. We're okay.

We are?

Yeah.

But I didn't even get to say what I...

Shh.

Mama took care of it.

Are you kidding me?!

I had a beautiful speech planned out.

[Gasps] Cramping. My leg's cramping.

Oh, oh, sit.

You know, now that we're square, maybe I'll go upstairs and shave the old 'stache.

There's only one thing you need to do right now...

Go to him.

♪ Do you really want to hurt me? ♪

I'm coming, Mur!

Why are we running, too?

♪ Do you really want to make me cry? ♪

I left a lasagna in the oven.

Lasagna!

♪ Precious kisses, words that burn me ♪

In life, there are certain relationships that define who you are... Your first teen crush...

♪ lovers never ask you why ♪

.. your best friend, your family...

For $5,000, it's the title of a play... "Death of a salesmat".

Really?

What's a salesmat?

How would I know? I'm not a salesmat salesman.

Aww, so close, baby.

You two are the worst.

These are the relationships that matter the most.

But they're also the hardest, 'cause when you truly love someone, you sometimes hold on too tight, afraid that you'll lose them.

Here you go, boys. Bagel bites.

Actually, I think I'm gonna take off.

Got somewhere to be.

Later, Bill.

Yep.

♪ Do you really want to hurt me? ♪

But the truth is, when you give the people you love most just a little space, you'll find the place they really want to be

♪ do you really want to make me cry? ♪

is right at your side.

[Bell dings]

Oh, Adam, please.

You know, you have to start getting dressed, okay?

Please turn that off.

Out of the way, nerd.

Hey, I-I-I was just looking through the mail.

Actually, there's something here for you.

"Master Barry Goldberg?"

From C. Norris? Hollywood, California?

Dude, Chuck Norris wrote me back!

Norris: "Dear Barry, sorry it took me so long to write back, but thanks for the nice words and for being a fan.

I have given a great deal of thought to what I'm about to tell you."

What's he saying?

Shut up!

"Herein lies my most precious secret to being a true martial arts warrior. If you have a brother, obey him. He has a power you do not yet understand. Godspeed, douche-nozzle. Sincerely, Chuck Norris."

So, what's it say, douche-nozzle?

It says I should kick your ass.