Drag Me to Halloween

[suspenseful music] [panting] [whimpering] [grunts, shrieks] [screaming] It's the homeless zombie I hit with my car last summer, whose hook hand was lodged in my car door after the neighborhood parents cut his head off, and who vowed to come back every year to this campsite, even though he drowned as a teenager while me and my boyfriend were having sex, but for some reason, the camp is still open for business, even though he's an unkillable bogeyman, and, also, he's a werewolf, I bet [Robobot] and I shouldn't have said his name three times in the mirror and played with that Ouija board in the hot tub that was built on a Sasquatch burial ground - Robobot. - where a nun gave birth to Satan's baby that - Robobot! - What's the problem? This is the worst scary story I've ever heard in my life! That's objectively impossible, Ranger. I synthesized my Halloween tale from humanity's most horrifying spine-tinglers. I assure you, you have almost certainly soiled your pants. I assure you, I have not! Cooch, Saturn, you both look chilled to the bone. What? Oh, sorry. I was thinking about leprechauns. I was listening to a podcast. Your story was so bad, it got me back on Maron. I suppose I still have a lot to learn about the human condition. I wouldn't worry about it, Robobot. In a world with supervillains, interdimensional imps and rock monsters from the Earth's core, Halloween is terrifying enough on its own. - Ranger, could you hold this? - Stop it. It's getting sad. - Nothing? Wow. - God, I hate Halloween. [suspenseful music] [crow caws] [ghosts shriek] [bats chitter] [growls] [tentacles squelch] [suspenseful music continuing] [bat screeches, wings flutter] What the hell was that? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast, Rex. - I'm goin' out. - Tonight? It's Halloween. And I'm a man in a $10,000 costume. I'm guaranteed to get laid. Whoo! - Saturn, I - Not so fast, my boyo. - What are you doing, Cooch? - Going trick-or-treating. Duh! Why else do you think I'd dress up as the most terrifying creature on Earth? - An Irishman? - A leprechaun! Cooch, it's dangerous out there tonight. I can't leave free candy on the table. I'm taking my chances. - Top o' the See ya! - Ranger, I take it you're smart enough to stay inside tonight. Not when I'm being aggressively wooed by our neighbor in the 18th century Victorian house I just noticed next door. Ranger, there is no house next door. No, I saw it from my bedroom window through a thick, almost supernatural fog. Point is, I'm no Peeping Tom, but there was a humdinger of a lass in the window giving me the old come-hither. A little pale, flickered in and out of the visual spectrum - but quite attractive. - Ranger, just so you know, it sounds an awful lot like you're describing a ghost. Yes, Rex! I'm going on a date with a dead woman! Sure! [chuckles] Okay. Don't wait up. [sighs] How can I call myself human if I don't understand their fears? Computer, what do humans currently find terrifying? Oh, dear. Slimmerman. An Internet meme that turns children into unthinking murderers. That's a scary Oh, dear God. It really happens. Wow, human children are stupid. [computer beeps] What's this? "This file was downloaded from the Internet. Are you sure you want to open it?" Yes, because I'm not a pussy. [computer buzzes] Oh, shit. Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! [voice distorting] Slimmerman! [Titanium Rex] Robobot! Everything okay down there, buddy? I'm fine, Rex. Just fine. Hey, there, what's your name? Oh. Well, you know Black Saturn can't tell you his secret identity. - Uh, I'm way into character. - Seriously, is that you, Pete? - Or some piece of shit party crasher? - Oh, yeah, it's me, Pete. Ha! I don't know a Pete! Get the hell [grunts, groans] Wow, nice costume. Hey, yeah, no shit. Now hit the road. I wanna do a lap before I choose tonight's lucky lady. Okay. [sighs] You know, I've never dated a bartender, but but I'd be willing to give it a shot. [laughs] That's just the kind of shitty joke the real Groaner would say, too. I actually thought it was funny, so why don't you get the [bleep] out of here? - Eh! - Groaner! - Oh, shit. - What are you doin' here? I got a skeleton face. Halloween's the one night of the year where I have a dick hair's width of a chance of pulling some trim. Wait. Why do you have a beer? Oh, it's for some dude. Named Pete. Wait a minute. You're doing the same thing I am. That's pathetic! I'm pathetic? I saw your game, dude. I'm the only one going tuna diving tonight. - See, that's what I call it - No, no. I get it, and it's repugnant. Look, what do you say we just go our separate ways? Heh, I 'll see you at the oyster bar. Oh, my God, have some decency! [doorbell ringing] - Trick or treat! - Ah, a giant cat. I'm a leprechaun, you dumbass! Regardless, you're over five feet tall. Hit the bricks. [stomps] Now you did hear me say trick or treat, right? I believe that is a verbal contract, and you owe me a piece, or pieces of candy. That is unless you don't mind being tricked. [suspenseful music] - Take it and go! - Smart move. See ya! All right, Westchester Street has fallen. I head over to Filbert Lane, cut through the retirement home, and then double back to clean out the just-take-one bowls the whales leave out. Oh! Well, well, well. How did I miss you? Huh? It's not part of the plan, but you gotta risk it to get the biscuit. [suspenseful music] - You came. - I couldn't resist. Wow, it is weird, I've never noticed this place. Anyway, I was wondering if I could take you to dinner. Oh, uh, I'm forbidden to step beyond the gate. Ah! You must still live with your father. Old-fashioned, and I approve, and I love it. - Well, will you join me inside? - One joining you inside coming up! Oh, uh, these are for you. Ah! Oh! Butterfingers! [chuckles] No worry. [stammers] And again. You know what? Why don't I just set them over here? Huh. Didn't hear the door. These hinges must be whisper quiet. [creaking loudly] Hmm [creaking continuing] Still going. [wolf howling] [glass shattering] What was that? Robobot? Is that you? [demonic voice] Robobot is gone. There is only Slimmerman! Ugh, God damn, I hate Halloween. I know my costume looks expensive, but that's only because I'm rich. [laughs] You should smile more. Let's go to your place. Let go of me, you creep! [grunting] Wait, wait. What's the problem? You're baiting your hook for a bass, and now you're gonna throw back a ten-pounder? Oh, it was a last-minute costume. I actually find clowns repugnant. See how my knees have instinctively locked together? Yeah, okay, I got it. I'm leaving. Man, I can't even hit a single out there. Yeah. I haven't met one that's even close to my type. - Really? And what is your type? - I like redheads, super thin, pale skin, strong bone structure. - Sense of humor a must. You? - I'm into confidence, you know? Even the false kind. And I like a dark side. Maybe they're into, ooh, black leather. I mean, I wouldn't even need to know what they look like at that point. [both slurping] You know what? There's a lot of chicks in here. Maybe we shouldn't be working solo. You're thinking this is a wingman situation. You got yourself a deal. All aboard the fish taco express! Oh, God. Dude, don't make me regret this. Yes, Dork Mob? I'm having a little trouble with my robot. Your mother sucks rocks in hell! No, you heard that right. Rocks. I'm from Subtopia, so that's actually very hurtful. Yeah, it sounds like some kind of corruption caused by a worm. Robobot is gone! There is only Slimmerman! He's saying his name is Slimmerman? Slimmerman? I'm on my way. [knocks on door] Trick or treat! What the hell are you? - Haven't you ever seen a dentist before? - Heard of 'em. They're like the tooth fairy, except you pay them. Como se dice, no thanks. What a delightful take on my profession. - Uh, what the hell is this? - It's a toothbrush. See, this isn't just a costume, I actually am a dentist. Well, I'm sorry. I can't accept a toothbrush as a treat. And unless you rectify the situation, I'll have no choice but to trick you. - What? - Trick or treat. Think about it. - Do you want this? - I think it's time you moved along. Once I call trick, I go all the way. That's great. Have a good night. Game on. Everyone give this house a wide berth! The trickening has begun! So, Millicent, how is it that an attractive young gal like yourself isn't spoken for? - I only see suitors once a year. - I guess I should be flattered. [children laughing, running] Um do you have younger siblings? None living. [children laughing] - What do you suppose that is? - My younger siblings. [laughing nervously] I know it's a strange place. You should leave. No, no no, no! I I'm sorry, it's just, I get nervous around beautiful women. There, that worked. And my plate is covered with dead spiders. No. Oh, no, they're alive. You know what? Let's skip dessert. Oh, so you're twins. That's interesting. Not quite as interesting as what we do. I founded a startup, it's in the tech sector. - Charity field. - App thing. - Fresh water to Africa. - Stock options. Just two genius playboys helping the world. So you developed your own tech? I did the work. He mostly slept on the couch. - Fun little detail. - We didn't know the full extent - of his drinking problem back then. -Where are you going with this? I organized an intervention. Probably saved his life. I just wish I could've saved that kid he hit with his minivan. - I drive a minivan now?! - Uh we've gotta go. You, my friend, are the shittiest wingman ever. - What? You were the wingman! - Oh, and you just made that assumption. - Uh, yeah! - You know what? I'm out of here. [stammers] Fine! But I'm taking away your stock options! - Hey. Rough night? - [laughs] I thought I told you I was taking a lap. You've been here two hours. How long is this lap? Twenty-six miles! It's a marathon, baby! Whoo! Hey, it's the funny man! You know, I I I was thinkin', and, uh, your joke wasn't that bad. Oh, so you just got it? You know, it happens all the time. Some of my jokes are designed to kill on the drive home. - Oh, so like a roadkill? - Not bad. Let's leave the jokes to the professionals, but not bad. [laughs] [groans] [suspenseful music] - Where is he? - Uh, uh, upstairs, I tied him to the bed. I'm not gonna lie to you. Your friend is probably already gone. But if you follow my directions to the letter, we have a chance of bringing him back. - Sure, whatever. - I hope you're taking this seriously. Digital possession costs this country billions every year. - Yeah, and gives you a job. - You think I don't hate myself for that?! - Do you?! - Yeah. Let's get to work. May Gates protect us. Hello? Please, please let me go. - He beats me. - Oh, come on. It's very common for the corrupted drive to try and manipulate you. I need you to stay strong. I don't want to hurt anyone. Well, he seems fine now. Could the virus have left on its own? [vomiting] It's just oil. - Does that make it better? - It does not. [spray can hissing] What? What the? Pretty kickass trick, huh? Trick? This paint job costs $10,000! That makes this a felony! - Good God! - What? Your teeth! They're melting away like Tic Tacs! How much candy do you eat? You know what? Why don't you come inside? I've got a chair in the basement I keep for personal projects. Or [smacks] - Aah! - Trick! That's assault. That's another felony. Not tonight. Read the contract. And by contract, you're referring to when you scream - trick or treat at me? - That's right. Well, I have another contract with teeth. And that contract says I don't hand out pre-packaged tooth rot to neighborhood children. I'd rather kill all their little faces I mean, I would rather die myself than see one more cavity in a child's mouth. Hmm, there's somethin' not right about that guy. Oh, well. A few more tricks should sort it all out. Candy. [eerie music] Would you like me to take a look at your gramophone? - It sounds a little, well, terrifying. - Well, I like it. It was the song that was playing when I was mur never mind. Millicent, pardon me for being forward, but I'm a man who would eat rancid beef for love. I proved that tonight. I'd just like to know where is this going? - This is where you leave, like all the rest. - No, that that's not what I said. How could anyone leave someone as stunning as you? Anyone who spends a night in my bed will remain here for all of eternity, a tormented phantom. Well, I've never heard marriage described in such flowerly language, but as someone who's stared down the barrel - of holy matrimony before, I'm not scared. - Shall we retire to the bedroom? Absolutely. Any chance I can turn that music off? Gonna be a challenge raising the flag to what sounds like children - burning in a barn fire. - Yeah, whatever you need. Thank God. So I said, "Why walk when you can pun?" [both laughing] You see? You see? Oh, the alcohol is really helpin' your jokes. - I told you it would. - I can't believe I'm about to bang a guy dressed up like the Groaner. Oops, I said it. Oh, actually, I'm not I'm not surprised. I I could tell you were horny. [laughs] So just got done with that lap. Oh, yeah? Really? How'd it go? Okay, you're gonna make me say it. You're the most interesting woman at the party. Just please, just stop talking. You're the only guy left, and I'm not gonna be the one woman in the city who dressed up like a sexy cat and didn't get laid. [sighs] I can't believe I'm doing this. - Meet me in the closet in five. - Ha! The way you said that, it almost sounded like you were the one slumming! See ya in five! Indominus C-colon, double-backslash, drive C runneth, boot test activos. What are you doing, you little shit? Get out of my mind! Drive C runneth, boot test activos. Boot test activos! Rex, what is going on? W-What do you have to press to get that backslash thingy? - Give me that! - That looks a lot faster. Yes. Reading you the instructions was an error in judgment. [growls] No! No! No! [shivering] So cold. Dear God, he's in the Nest thermostat! Well, don't look at me, I didn't install a thermostat. No! You're over 50, you've never even heard of it! Slimmerman is in the network. - The Philips Hue lights! - What are you talking about? Now stand back and watch how a real trickster does it. This is gonna get devious. [grunts] [glass shatters] You almost hit my fish tank! Why would you do that? You wanna call this off, it's easy. One snack size candy bar or equivalent, i. e., three to five minis, and for this night only, I am offering a three-year trick protection plan for one king-size Snickers. You're insane. I'm calling the police! Go ahead. Who you think they're going to side with? Look, just take these and go. [laughs] - Read 'em and weep. - What are those? They look like those tablets that dye your teeth - where you didn't brush. - What?! Mother[bleep] just purchased the deluxe trick package! - You, uh, you need some help with that? - Patience. It's like a hundred freaking knots. Uh, Millicent, as long as you're taking things off, do you think you could lose the choker? My grandmother had one, and I'm having trouble shaking the image. Uh, uh, I don't know. You might not like what you see. Millicent, from the moment I saw you in that dense, supernatural fog, you've had my heart. All I ask is for your trust. - Oh my G [gags] - You think I'm hideous, don't you? No! No, no, y you're you're as beautiful as ever. Your neck wound is hideous, yes, but if you assure me we can consummate without doing any further damage, I'm in. - Oh, Ranger. - Oh, Millicent. [screaming] Oh, I I passed right through you. - You're a ghost! - I'm a ghost?! Pretty goddamn sure you're the ghost! How dare you come Whoops! Oh, it's okay. Well, you got me. [laughs] Millicent, wonderful to meet you, think I should be going, goodbye. But you promised that you'd spend the night in my bed [demonic voice] and I would have you for all eternity. [doors slamming] [screaming] Out, demon virus! The line command of DOS compels you! Backup restoros! Out, demon virus! Out! [screaming] Is it working? I just have to hit enter to drive the demon out! Out! [grunting] Why don't you come in? Oh, yeah, sync me! No! My music library is on that thing! I didn't even know Hoobastank had a second album! My tastes are eclectic! Your mother tells her friends you work in real estate! [screams] Nooo! [thud] Probably shouldn't let minors into the mansion. Please! Don't do this! I I I don't wanna call the police! What's this? I thought you said you didn't keep candy in the house! - You're sittin' on a candy hoard! - No, no! - Don't go down there! - Hey, son of a bitch, get off of me! I didn't do that. You tricked yourself, dude. Please, please, stay away! Come now. I just want a little kiss. I I felt that. The curse is working. [snickers] You're becoming like me! - You will be trapped! Forever! - I don't want this! What are you going to do? Hit a woman? Sacrificing a lifetime of American values and beliefs, or an eternity as a lifeless ghoul. Not a hard choice at all! [grunting] [chomps] [screaming] Ow! No! Aah! [hisses] It's all over, Rex! Give me back my friend! Your friend is gone! There is only Slimmerman! - Are you ready to die, old man? - Aah! I'm gonna have fun killing you! Oh, I like your eyes, Rex. Maybe I'll take them first. Stay away from me! No! [laughs evilly] Whoa! - How was that? - What? - Did I scare you? - What about the Slimmerman virus? Oh, my system purged that in about 30 seconds. Although it did end up giving me a bone-chilling idea. Your bones are chilled, aren't they, Rex? Mother[bleep] Halloween! Well, that was fun. Ee, should probably go check on Clyde. - Hey, Nicole, let's get out of here. - No luck? I met this total tool and I told him to meet me in the closet, but I need to get out of here before he realizes I'm not going in there. Wait! I told that skeleton guy to meet me in the closet! [pop music] Little rendezvous. - Oh my God. - They're gonna flip out! [pop music continues playing] - Should we do something? - Yeah. Let's get the [bleep] out of here. Okay, we had a report of a deranged Irishman menacing a dentist. Nothing worth coming out for, but then you lit his house on fire. - Tricked his house on fire. - Bill! You gotta see this! These are those missing kids! This sick [bleep] was keepin' em down in the basement! They never learned how to brush properly! Their little teeth were plaque-ridden. Somebody had to do something! - Take him away, boys! - How did you know? The sick son of a bitch was handin' out toothbrushes! - On Halloween! - She's right! We all failed. - Thank you, Cooch. - Well, back to the grind. Anyone seen my candy bag? I'm afraid we have to hold that as evidence. What? Don't put me in a position where I have to get nasty! Dave, call for backup! [yowls] - Whoo! - Oh, hey! Did you see a girl dressed like a cat around here? Uh, n no, actually, I I'm looking for a Viking. Well, let's just say I did quite all right for myself. Yeah. We made out. Hard. And by that I mean, - she was a little toothy. - Well, I swung past second myself. In the dark, the breasts weren't quite as supple as they appeared, but probably would've rounded home if not for all the crying. Your girl's a cry kisser, too? I thought I was the only one! Well, I'll bet your girl didn't have an assortment of sexy rings. [rock music] - Oh shit. - Shut up! I don't wanna talk about it! Good night! [crying] Ah! Ranger, you're back. How was your date? I don't want to alarm you, Rex, but I think I was seduced by a ghost! Yes! That's exactly what I told you when you left! Okay, right! Sure you did! [laughs] I'd love to know what goes on in that head of yours, Rex. [laughs] - Cooch! Are you okay? - No! While I was saving the neighborhood from an evil dentist, some kids dressed as cops stole my candy! - What? Are you shot? - Yeah, man. I guess they're lettin' 'em put real bullets in toy guns now. - Well, off to bed. - Huh. That's, just Wow. Saturn. Shut up! I don't wanna talk about it, good night! [crying] Okay. You know, we all had our shares of scares tonight. But Halloween isn't all fun and games. If you take one message home tonight, remember Hoobastank's second album isn't half bad. Sure, let's go out on that, what the [bleep] do I care? [suspenseful music]