If You Can't Be With the One You Love...

Opening Credits

[SCENE – John Adam’s High. Cory and Shawn have just exited Feeny’s class into the hallway.]

Shawn: Well, there’s 42 minutes of my life I’ll never have back. Just when I think Feeny’s class can’t get any more boring: Feudalism. I’m beyond bored, I’m angry. (Shoves kid into locker)

Kid: Feudalism?

Shawn: (Nods) Uh-huh. (Kid pats Shawn’s arm & walks away)

Cory: (To Topanga, who is walking by talking to Kimberly, very delayed) Have a nice weekend… Topanga.

Topanga: You too, Cory. (Walks away)

Cory: Shawn, did you hear how she said “you too, Cory”? I mean, there was coldness there.

Shawn: There was not.

Cory: Nonsense! I could practically see her breath! Shawn, why isn’t she suffering as much as I am?

Shawn: Cory, she’s suffering. She just doing it with something that you know nothing about.

Cory: Feudalism? (In the background, a kid shoves another kid into a locker)

Shawn: No, dignity. Topanga’s handling this breakup with dignity, while you (Phony British accent) Norton, are a train wreck.

Cory: I’m dignified.

Shawn: You burst into tears every 3… 2… 1…

Cory: (Suddenly, crying) Stop exaggerating! (Sits on couch) Jeez…

Shawn: (Waving a handkerchief in his face) Cory, who carries these things around?! What did you do, dig up your grandfather and pick his pocket?!

Cory: (Near tears) Grandpa Poppy… He always had seeds in his teeth. And that’s why we called him Poppy.

Shawn: Ugh. (Sits) You’re depressing. You’re depressing to be around. That’s why you’re not invited to Kimberly Sussman’s party tonight.

Cory: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kimberly Sumsan’s having a party tonight?

Shawn: Yeah, to celebrate her new nose. Like, the whole world’s going.

Cory: Well, I’m sure if I wasn’t invited, Shawn, it’s probably due to some tremendous oversight.

Shawn: Does “Seven thirty sharp, and whatever you don don’t tell Cory,” sound like an oversight? The word’s out on you, man, nobody wants to be around Cory the Downer. Three… Two… One…

Cory: (Teary) Including you?

Shawn: I’m getting there. (Walks away)

Cory: (Stands) (To Shawn) Shawn, listen, you think I like myself like this. I don’t. I don’t blame everyone for not wanting to be around me. I don’t want to be around me, either. (Sits) I’m done with me.

[SCENE – Kimberly Sussman’s party. Kimberly, wearing a bandage on her nose, walks over to a chair in which Angela is sitting in and sits on the arm]

Kimberly: So, now that you’re going out with Shawn, does this mean I can’t dance with him tonight?

Angela: You can dance with him all you want, Kimberly. But he’ll be going home with me. (They both feign laughter)

(Enter Cory, Kimberly, alarmed, walks over to him)

Kimberly: What are you doing here?

Cory: I’m crashing. Crashing the party…

Kimberly: (Hostile) Get out.

Cory: Say that again?

Kimberly: (More hostile) Get out.

Cory: You know who you look like, don’t ya? Bridget Fonda.

Kimberly: (Flirtsy) Get out!

Cory: (Laughs) No, I’m serious. I mean, your old nose, it was fine, but now it’s… La Femme Nikita, baby.

Kimberly: (Begins wandering in) Look, as long as you’re here, why don’t you stay? I think Topanga’s coming.

Cory: Who? I’m sorry, but right now I can’t see anybody past Kimberly Sussman-Fonda.

Kimberly: (Flirtsy) Cory! (Bumps him into the door, which shuts, then walks away)

(Cory take a bite of some gum from his pocket, then wanders into the party)

[Cut to later. Cory is happily telling a story to a bunch of kids.]

Cory: So they got Hunter kidnapped and handcuffed to a pole, and I have to step in and save Shawn’s butt, because I have a way with women, as you can probably tell by the fact that I’ve never been more available in my life. Tickets go on sale at the box office. (Crowd laughs, then disperses. Shawn approaches)

Shawn: Okay, who are you and what have you done with Cory the Mope?

Cory: Shawn, it’s me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got that groove thing, going. (Begins to dance hideously. Shawn laughs, then walks away. Topanga approaches)

Topanga: (Surprised) Cory!

Cory: (Stops dancing) Hey… The ex-other-half-of-my-heart-and-soul. How’s the family? (Resumes dancing)

Topanga: (Confused) Good… Cory, you look really, uh, not very cool.

Cory: Thanks, that’s what I’m going for. See, they told me to relax and have a good time, that’s what I’m trying to do.

Topanga: Okay, well I’m not gonna stay very long.

Cory: Stay as long as you’d like. (Dances away, still hideous)

(Topanga wanders over to Kimberly and Angela)

Angela: Mmm, he’s been like that since he got here. I gotta say, he’s the life of the party. (Topanga looks concerned)

Kimberly: So, are you and Cory officially broken up? Because I think he’s really cute.

Topanga: Cory’s free to do whatever he wants, so are you. Angela, I’ll talk to you later. (Exits past Cory, who is still foolishly dancing)

Kimberly: Sounds like a yes to me. (Approaches Cory)

Angela: (Stops Kimberly) You make one move on my best friend’s man, and that new nose is gonna look like your old nose. (Fake happiness) Kay? (Kimberly walks away unhappily, Angela begins to dance while keeping an eye on Kimberly)

[SCENE – Kimberly’s bathroom. Cory is looking at himself closely in the mirror.]

Cory: (To reflection) Hey, I didn’t know you were gonna be here. But since you’re the most exciting person here, I propose a toast. (Holds up a bottle of whiskey) To us. (Takes a swig.)

[SCENE – Kimberly’s bathroom, continued from earlier. Cory chews some gum, there is a knock at the door.]

Shawn: (From outside) Cory, open up!

Cory: (To reflection) It’s Shawn, my sidekick. (Opens door) Hello.

Shawn: Dude, you’ve been in here for like an hour and a half. (Shuts door)

Cory: Are they asking for me?

Shawn: Topanga left.

Cory: She did? That’s too bad. I was gonna dance with her.

Shawn: (Sees whiskey bottle) This that yours?

Cory: (Picks up bottle) This was given to me when I stole it from my father. You want?

Shawn: Wait a minute. Cory is the one holding the bottle, what’s wrong with this picture?

Cory: Because you said that no one wants to be around Cory the Downer, so now I’m not Cory the Downer! You wanna drink?

Shawn: I told you to have fun, not put away a pint of whiskey.

Cory: Well I am having a good time, and I want you to have a good time, too. So drink. (Offers bottle)

Shawn: Eh, I don’t need that. What’s it taste like?

Cory: It’s the foulest tasting stuff I’ve ever had. (Offers bottle) Here.

Shawn: (Takes bottle and sniffs the whiskey) (In disgust) Oh! Why would I want to do this?

Cory: ‘Cause your goody-goody friend Cory did it and you will not be able to live with yourself unless you do it, too.

Shawn: I’m not falling for that peer pressure crap. (Takes a swig, cringes) Oh, yikes!

Cory: (laughing) Ah-hah-hah, I know, and such a small price to pay for its magical powers. (Takes a swing, cringes) Ahh! (Passes it off to Shawn.)

Shawn: (Takes a swig) Ooh-Ah!! (Passes it back to Cory)

Cory: (Takes a swig) Voof! (Passes it to Shawn)

Shawn: (Takes a swig) Vant!! (Passes it to Cory) Ah…

Cory: Y’know, I just can’t understand why they don’t sell this stuff to kids.

[SCENE – Street sidewalk and night. Drunk, Cory and Shawn stuble down it, arms around one another.]

Cory: This will forever be remembered as the night we peed on a police car.

Shawn: Pretty unbelievable, huh?

Cory: You know, Shawn. (Stops his walking) Normally, I can’t go when another guy’s standing right next to me.

Shawn: What a perfect target! I mean, I bet that’s why they put those numbers on the roof.

Cory: I can’t think of any other reason. (Takes own whiskey bottle) Well, here is to squad car 72, wherever you are. (Takes a big swig, Shawn stops him)

Shawn: Oh, no no. You’re not gonna finish that. (Takes the bottle and finishes its contents) Ahh! Oh well, party’s over. (Tosses empty bottle in the air. He and Cory watch it arch up, off screen, and crash to the ground.) Gravity…

Cory: Hey, (puts arm around Shawn & continues walking) I was gonna put flowers in that and present to Armanga as a token of my steam.

Shawn: (Laughs drunkenly) Wait a minute, Cory, you called her “Armanga”.

Cory: No, not our manga, my manga. (Shawn laughs some more, a bum walks out of the nearby corner store)

Shawn: (Still laughing) …oh, Cory…

Cory: (The bum tears up some lotto tickets and drops them on the ground) No luck, huh?

Bum: Ah, those things never pay off.

Shawn: Then why do you play?

Bum: (Sarcastically) Because I like losing.

Cory: Well, hey, hey, hey. (Holds up a $10 bill) How’d you like the chance to lose five more times?

Bum: Well, hey, five lottery tickets is only five bucks, that’s a ten.

Cory: You buy yourself five lottery tickets and you buy us a six-pack with the change.

Bum: Nah, if I buy a beer for a minor I can get arrested. You a cop?

Cory: (Laughs) Do we look like cops?

Bum: (Broad smile) Do I? (Cory and Shawn look at each other, the bum snatches the ten and goes into the store)

Cory: You know what, Shawnie? (Shawn does a handstand and takes a few steps forward) I always thought that Topanga (Shawn lands) was the one person I could never live without. But she’s gone, and you’re here, and I’m alive, so it must be you.

Shawn: I’d take a bullet for you, man.

Cory: No, Shawnie, I love you. (Hugs him closely)

Shawn: (Still hugging) I love you, too, Cory. And I’m not ashamed. (They separate, and Shawn sees the bum) Now I’m ashamed.

Bum: (Holding a brown paper bag) It’s okay, it’s okay my brother’s also chosen an alternative lifestyle. (Hands them the bag, walks away)

Shawn: (To bum) Let’s keep in touch.

Cory: You know what I can’t get over? When I left the house, I was almost half-crocked and my dad didn’t notice a thing. (Shawn hands him a beer, then takes one for himself.)

Shawn: That’s what happens when you start to get up there in years, y’know. You start to lose your edge.

Cory: Okay, wait, this is a toast. To the best friend in the whole world on the best night ever. (They clink cans, take a sip, then rush to conceal the cans as a police car pulls up)

Shawn: Oh, no. It’s Sippowitz.

Cory: Stand very still and we won’t get in trouble.

Shawn: (Seeing the 72 on the roof) Why does that number look so familiar?

[SCENE – Matthews’ Kitchen. Amy is waiting when Alan leads Cory & Shawn in]

Alan: (Pointing to table) Sit down. (They do) So, how’s it feel to pull one over on your parents? You feel good?

Cory: (Ashamed) No…

Alan: I cannot believe that my kid stole liquor from my cabinet like… like… (Looks at Shawn) Well, like somebody else’s kid!

Amy: Have they been charged with anything? Are they gonna have a record?

Alan: No the charges were dropped because they are juveniles and there was no prior arrest.

Amy: Cory, this isn’t you.

Alan: (Angrily) No, of course it isn’t! Somebody influenced him, didn’t someone? (Leans in close to Shawn)

Amy: (Surprised) Alan.

Cory: No, dad, okay? You’re completely wrong. I did this completely on my own.

Alan: Come on. You’re covering up for Shawn like you always do.

Cory: No. I’m not. ‘Kay, in fact I’m the one that got him to drink.

Shawn: (Puts hand up to silence Cory) No, no, no, no, stop protecting me, Cory. Yeah, you know how lousy he’s been feeling good. Well, he wanted to feel good and I showed him how.

Cory: Shawn’s, what’re you doing?

Alan: I am sick and tired of overlooking the influence you have on my kid.

Amy: (Pulls Alan aside) Alan, that’s enough. Come into the other room, I want to talk to you. (Takes his hand)

Alan: That’s probably a good idea. (Amy leads him into the living room)

Cory: (Stands) Why are you taking the rap for me?

Shawn: Because your dad’s right, Cory. All my life, you’ve had my back. Just let me take the heat this time.

Cory: But I’m the one who got us into trouble!

Shawn: I’m not in any trouble, you are! People expect this from me. I’m the screw-up, you’re Mister Teenage America. Especially in the eyes of your parents. They’ve got you on this pedestal, I’m not going to let you fall off.

(Alan and Amy reenter)

Alan: Okay… this is what we think. First, we feel that you two need some time apart. Now, this doesn’t mean that the friendship is over.

Cory: No, No! Forget it, dad, okay? Forget it. I’m not doing that.

Alan: I’m not giving you the choice.

Amy: Cory! You were drinking tonight.

Cory: I don’t care, mom! Dad drinks!

Alan: (Moves towards Cory threateningly) I am slightly over 21. And when I do drink, I drink responsibly. (Taps Cory’s chest with the next line) And when you are ready to do what I do, then you can get out of this house and GET A JOB!!! (Backs Cory into the door)

Amy: What if Kimberly’s party wasn’t within walking distance, would you have driven?

Cory: I wouldn’t drink and drive, I’m not a moron.

Amy: You peed on a cop car! How smart is that?

Shawn: (Stands) I appreciate the lecture, and thanks for coming to the station to pick me up, but you’re not my parents. And, yeah, I’ll just stay away from Cory if that’s what’s gonna put everything back to normal. (Makes for exit)

Cory: Normal. (Shawn stops, turns around) Y’know, I’ve just broke up with someone that I’ve spent my entire life with. I don’t have a heart anymore. I’ve lost my life. So I went up to your liquor cabinet… And I took a bottle of whiskey… and I made Shawn drink. Because I didn’t want to be alone.

Alan: Shawn…

Shawn: (Quietly) Forget it.

Alan: No. I was worried about my kid, and I said some things that I shouldn’t have.

Shawn: It’s okay…

Alan: It is not okay. And I apologize. (Slowly, he and Amy go to the table & sit)

Cory: (Shawn puts his hand on Cory’s shoulder, Cory turns to face him) No more drinking?

Shawn: Yeah, no more drinking.

[SCENE – Feeny’s classroom. Shawn, Topanga, Angela, Feeny, and the rest of the class are already there when Cory enters and sits in his seat.]

Cory: (Whispering) Topanga, listen, about Friday night.

Topanga: Uh, Cory, you don’t need to apologize to me.

Cory: Well, no, no, no, there’s a reason I was acting so strange.

Topanga: I don’t really care. (Turns away)

Cory: You don’t?

Topanga: No.

Cory: (Unsure) Okay…

Topanga: (Turns back) It’s okay with you that I don’t care?!

Cory: No!

Topanga: Oy… (Turns back) (Cory throws up his arm in disgust)

Feeny: Class, as we continue our study of Feudalism, I would like to focus today on the life of the serf. (Shawn raises his hand) Mr. Hunter?

Shawn: I don’t wanna.

Feeny: You don’t wanna what?

Shawn: Boring. It’s boring. That’s why the whole feudalism thing didn’t work out, (stands) they got bored out of their freaking minds! (Cory stands, trying to quell Shawn) What?

Cory: It’s too far… (He and Shawn sit)

Shawn: No, y’know, just once, I would like to learn something somewhat relevant to our lives.

Angela: Shawn, shut up. I say this with love.

Topanga: (To Shawn, quietly) What’s the matter with you?

Shawn: (Loudly) Nothing. Now why don’t you stop being so crazy and sit on Cory’s lap.

Feeny: Mr. Hunter, we will discuss your outburst at the end of the class.

Shawn: (Nonchalant) Cool… So let the boredom begin. (Mimics blowing on a horn)

Feeny: Mr. Hunter, please leave!

Shawn: (Grinning) Okay. (Stands) But only because you asked me so nicely. (Grabs backpack and exits)

Cory: (Raises hand) Mr. Feeny, can I…?

Feeny: (Waves him off) Go, go… (Cory exits)

[SCENE – Shawn, Jack, and Eric’s apartment. Shawn enters with Cory behind him. Shawn throws his bag on the couch, opens the fridge, grabs a beer, and opens it]

Cory: Are you kidding me?

Shawn: Oh, I’m sorry. Do you want one? (Places a second beer on the counter)

Cory: You get kicked out of class, you fight me all the way home, you puke on my shoes, and you still want another beer?

Shawn: Why don’t you go home, Cory the Monitor?

Cory: Y’know what, I… I could’ve sworn we agreed to stop drinking.

Shawn: (Laughs) Yeah, well, I’ve been drinking the whole week and you haven’t noticed a thing. (Goes to couch, takes a swig)

Cory: You been drinking all week?

Shawn: (Takes another swig) Yeah, see, I’m doing this for you. (Sits) You’re worried about me, you stop thinking about Topanga. By the way, she’s getting out of school right about now. Why don’t you go across the street from her and cry? (Sips)

Cory: What?

(Enter Jack)

Jack: (Sees Shawn’s beer) What’re you doing? (Takes his beer, puts it on the table)

Shawn: (Laughs) It’s a beer! What’s the big deal here? (Jack looks to Cory)

Cory: We got drunk at a party the other night, I think he might’ve liked it a little too much.

Jack: (To Shawn) Yeah, well, beer is a big deal for us.

Shawn: (Sarcastically) Ooh, goody. Goody, now I get the lecture from the big brother who I’ve known all of six months. (Stands, gets in Jack’s face)

Jack: You don’t have a clue, do ya?

Shawn: About what?

Jack: About dad.

Shawn: Yeah. Dad used to drink, and then he stopped. Next?

Jack: DO you know why he stopped drinking?

Shawn: (Semi-serious) Because he ran out of money?

Jack: DO you know why my mom left him?

Shawn: Because she went for a guy with more money?

Jack: She left him because he was an abusive, ugly drunk!

Shawn: Don’t you ever talk about my father!! (Grabs Jack, throws him on the couch and tries to pin him)

Cory: Shawn! Stop! (Pulls them off the couch)

(Enter Angela and Topanga)

Jack: (Pointing to Shawn’s face, threateningly) He’s my father too, man. Alcoholism is in our family, and you shouldn’t drink!!

Angela: Shawn?

Cory: After the other night, Shawn, I feel like I could never drink again.

Topanga: (To Cory) You were drinking?

Shawn: Yeah. What do you figure that was about? I wonder.

Cory: Y’know what, Shawn? (Points) Shut up. Okay? We agreed to stop drinking. I have, you obviously haven’t.

Jack: (To Shawn) What do you think that’s about? I wonder…

Cory: (Quietly, to Topanga) And by the way, I happened to have been an adorable drunk, you should’ve seen me.

Topanga: I did. You weren’t. And this isn’t about us.

Angela: Shawn, it’s okay. Look, we can talk about anything. (Shawn pulls away) There’s a problem, we can figure out what to do.

Shawn: (Laughs disbelievingly) Nobody’s listening to me, okay? (Picks up bottle) I drink this stuff because I like it! It makes me feel good. (Taps bottle like a microphone) Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? I have no problem!

Angela: (Embarassed) Okay, maybe we don’t have to talk about this in front of everybody. (Takes Shawn’s arm) Let’s go out into the hall. (Tries to gently tug him away)

Shawn: Let go of me! (Shoves her into the door)

Angela: (Taken aback) I don’t like that you drink. Call me when you don’t. (Exits. Topanga exits behind her.)

Shawn: How did that just happen?

[SCENE – Matthews’ kitchen. Alan is there, cleaning dishes. Shawn knocks at the door]

Shawn: Hi. I, um… I just wanted to let you know that you don’t have to worry about me. I’m not going to drink anymore. But if you want me to stay away from Cory because of all the other idiot stuff I do… I understand.

Alan: (Nods towards house) Come on in. (Shawn does so) You know, I wouldn’t want two friends to be kept apart. When I said that I was under the influence of alcohol.

Shawn: You were drunk, too?

Alan: No, you were. And so was Cory and I didn’t like seeing you that way.

Shawn: That seems to be the general consensus. So, um, when can Cory come out and play? (Cory enters from upstairs, waiting on the bottom step)

Cory: Can I, dad? Huh? Huh? Can I? (Sits on bottom step)

Alan: What month is it?

Cory: (Stands) Still March. (Walks over to Shawn & Alan)

Alan: Sorry, Shawn. (Pats his shoulder) Maybe next time you won’t be so easily influenced by you (Grabs Cory’s face) rotten friends. (Pats Shawn’s chest, walks away)

Shawn: Yeah, well… He’s the only one I got.

Cory: Angela hasn’t called back yet?

Shawn: No, she won’t return my messages. (Joking) I picked a fine time to quit drinking! Yeah, well, I have a lot of apologizing to do.

[SCENE – Feeny’s classroom. Shawn holds an apple up to Feeny, who is sitting at his desk]

Feeny: An apple? Are you kidding me?

Shawn: What I did in class yesterday was so out of line. (Places apple on desk) If you won’t accept my apology, then I want you to have this twelve dollars. (Takes cash from his pocket)

Feeny: The only thing of value to me, Mr. Hunter, would be to know that you’re alright. Are you alright?

Shawn: Yeah, you know, you’re right. My brother and I, y’know, decided to talk to this guy who’s gonna help us understand how to deal with this.

Feeny: Good for you, Shawn. That’s the right thing to do.

(Topanga approaches)

Shawn: Topanga.

Topanga: I know you’re sorry. I got the card and the fruit basket, it was missing an apple by the way.

Shawn: (Feeny hands him the apple) Right, here. (Hands Topanga the apple, then kisses her on the cheek. She sits, Shawn approaches Cory) How ya doing?

Cory: Hey! Wanna hang out two weeks from Thursday?

Shawn: I’ll be there.

Cory: (Sits) Good morning, Topanga. I still love you.

Topanga: We can’t start off that day like that, Cory.

Cory: I don’t care what you think.

Topanga: Fine!

Cory: Fine!

[Cut to Shawn talking to Angela, who has just entered]

Shawn: Hi.

Angela: Hi.

Shawn: I don’t like me when I drink, either.

Angela: Good, because I sure like you when you don’t. (Shawn, like a gentleman, allows Angela entry to the room past him. She then takes his hand before they separate to sit in their seats.)

[Public Service Announcement]

1-800-729-6686

S.A.M.H.S.A National Clearinghouse for Alcohol & Drug Information

Ben: If you or someone you know has a problem with alcohol, get help. Call 1-800-729-6686. The National Clearinghouse for Alcohol & Drug Information. Again, that’s 1-800-729-6686.

-End-