Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and s*x on TV. ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

That's funny. I don't remember buying Stewie these toys.

My God. It all makes sense now.

My baby is some kind of diabolical genius bent on world domination!

Bravo, Lois. The last horse finally crosses the finish line.

All these months I should've been paying attention to what you've been saying.

You're an evil child.

Why? Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you?

Cheer up. Be proud. You've given birth to the future emperor of the world.

Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio.

Aaagh!

Lois! Lois!

Huh? Hm?

What's the matter?

I just had the strangest dream.

Something about Stewie and Cheerios... It's gone.

Come on, get up. It's opening day for the Sox.

Hey, Chris, Meg! We're going to Fenway!

You can't pull the kids out of school for a baseball game.

Nothing they learn in school they can't learn on the street.

It's 3 o'clock. Where the hell is Louie?

You tell me.

Louie left his house at 2.15 and has to travel a distance of 6.2 miles at a rate of five miles per hour. What time will Louie arrive?

Depends if he stops to see his ho.

That's called a variable.

Look what I made for the game.

What's that mean anyway?

"And the Lord said 'Go, Sox. "'

Dad, don't you have to work today?

It's nothing a little phone call can't take care of.

Hello?

Mr Weed? I can't come to work today.

I was in a terrible plane crash. My entire family was killed and I am a vegetable.

I'll see you tomorrow. Huh? Huh?

Please, Peter. Your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.

Too soon?

Here it comes, Jeremy!

I got it! I got it!

Yes! Yeah! Whoo! All right! I'm the man! Yeah!

Hold on to this. It'll be a souvenir of your first Major League game with your Dad.

My God! I shall cherish this for ever.

I'll trade you this baseball for your souvenir bat.

Sure.

What did you learn?

We haven't done anything together like this since we saw Mike Tyson get beat.

All right, Mike. The word again is "onomatopoeia".

Uh, C.

I'm sorry. That's incorrect.

Oh, dang.

I'm so glad you talked us all into playing hooky.

Me, too. Maybe we can get on TV if we take our shirts off and run onto the field.

I'm not taking my shirt off.

There. Now they're old news.

Peter!

Go, Sox! Go...

Aaargh!

Hm.

Peter?

Oh... Hi, Mr Weed.

It seems you've made a full recovery.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That plane crash I told you about, it turned out to be gas.

Aha! Liar. Tomorrow, my office, 9.30.

I'm tired of Mr Weed treating me like a common doormat.

I want him to treat me like a deluxe one from Pottery Barn with the fancy straw.

I don't care for Pottery Barn.

If you want Mr Weed to respect you, you're gonna have to earn it.

Earn it...

Why have you forsaken me?

Mr Weed?

I heard you ran into my identical twin brother at the ball game yesterday.

If you don't buy that, sorry I was at the ball game.

Peter, I just received terrible news.

This company has been taken over by a conglomerate.

After 23 years of faithful service, I've been terminated!

Wow. The business world sure is funny.

What do you call it when a guy in middle management moves to upper management?

I don't know. What do you call it?

A promotion.

Oh, thanks. Here's a memo.

Sometimes the business world's funny.

And so on behalf of the El Dorado Cigarette Company, I'd like to welcome you to our family.

I think you'll be very happy with the changes we've made.

This is sweet! Why are you putting a window in the factory?

So Aunt Bee has a place to let her pies cool.

Hello, boys. Today's pie is cherry. It'll be ready just in time for lunch.

Wow. These guys sure know how to run a company.

Look how happy those morons are.

They'll never realise we're using toys to get children addicted to our company's cigarettes.

Good boy, Connor.

Pull.

Can't we eat? I'm so hungry, I could ride a horse.

I don't get it. I could ride it to the store, I guess.

I told you we're not starting without your father. Dinner just isn't dinner without him.

Perhaps I could help simulate the experience. Yum, yum, yum...

Hey, family, anyone in the mood for lobster? Ow! Oh, God! One of them has my pupil!

Agh, agh, agh!

Oh, God! Agh! Agh!

Ah.

How can you afford lobster on your salary?

I got a raise.

What?!

The new owners gave everyone raises.

Even Kenneth, the badass mail clerk with the heart of gold.

Hi, Kenneth. Did I get any mail?

No! If you come any closer, I'll slice ya!

OK, OK. Man, what a badass.

Yeah? That "badass" just gave half his pay cheque to orphans.

Orphans with diseases.

And check out the new toys we're making.

Baby Smokes-A-Lot?

Tastes like happy.

Cool! That's imitatable.

What the hell? "El Dorado Cigarettes"? That's who bought your company?

Oh, my God! They're trying to corrupt our children!

Those bastards turned a whole generation of Americans into smokers with subliminal advertising.

Timmy, where's Lassie?

She's out in the orchard, Ma.

Peaches are coming in mighty early this year.

Smoke.

You know what they say: "Early peaches, long summer".

Smoke.

What's that, Lassie?

Are ya smoking yet?

If kids see this doll, they're gonna think smoking's OK.

You have to talk to these new bosses in the morning.

Don't worry, Lois. I'll set 'em straight. Just like I did with Chris.

Dad, what's the blowhole for?

I'll tell you what it's not for, son.

And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to SeaWorld.

We need to talk. My wife says you're trying to get kids to smoke.

That's just not true.

What about this toy?

It's just a doll with a cigarette.

Barbie has a Dream Car, but you don't see eight-year-old kids driving. They're fun toys.

Smoke.

Not now, Jerry.

Trust me. The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking.

What about that graph on the wall that says "The first thing we want is to get kids to start smoking. "

That's just something my son made me in art class.

Huh. Then what about that poster that says "The graph was not made in art class. We really do want kids to start smoking. "

We're a caring company.

I mean, would you really be the president of a company that didn't care about kids?

No. But I'm not the president.

Yes, you are... if you want to be.

Ah.

Oh, wow. Imagine me, president.

I'll do it!

How did it go?

I'm not finished yet.

Aren't you gonna ask me how it went?

Did you talk to the executives?

Peter, answer me!

I did. They made me president.

Of the whole company?

All right, Dad!

You shoulda seen the way they treated me. I've never gotten that respect before.

Great work-out, Bobby.

Up yours, sack-breath!

That's Mr Griffin.

Peter, why would they make you president?

Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.

That was just a loud yelping noise.

Jeez, Lois. I thought you'd be proud of me.

The company finally thinks I'm worth something.

Wait till you see all the perks we get.

Um... hi. Can I help you?

Some company hired me to stand next to you all day, so you'd look better.

That's ridiculous.

Meg? Did you get less ugly?

Yeah!

Surprise!

Everything looks the same.

It looks the same.

But El Dorado Cigarettes coated the inside of the house with a microfilm of Teflon, so it's easy to clean.

Oh.

Maybe I shouldn't have had 'em do the floors.

I'm Nudes on lce!

This is so exciting. Your father's first day as president.

Good morning, First Family.

Lois, what's in this coffee?

Isn't it wonderful?

They sent Martha Stewart to help me with the housework.

I take back all the bad things I said about them. The coffee is delicious, Martha.

A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans. It's a good thing.

I think it's a crappy thing! In fact, this is my last cigarette ever.

You make me sick being bought off with a few lousy perks.

Oh, I beg to differ.

Oh, you don't need to park here, Mr Griffin. You have an executive parking space now.

That looks exactly like my old space.

This one comes with your own company suck-up.

Morning. Nice day.

It's a little cloudy.

Absolutely. One of the worst days I've seen in years.

Good news about the Yankees.

I hate them.

Pack of cheaters, they are. I love your tie.

I hate this tie.

It's awful, it's gaudy, it's gotta go.

And I hate myself.

You make me sick, you fat sack of crap.

I'm the president The best there is.

But you just said you hated me.

But... not you the president.

The you who said you hated you. You, who love, hate, Yankees, clouds...

I'll have that fixed for you, sir.

Here's your new digs. Now get to work, sport. We're counting on you.

Wow. My own office. I guess I'd better get busy.

Agh!

Gentlemen, we have a problem.

There's an anti-smoking bill that could put us out of business.

Yes. Apparently, causing cancer is this year's "hot button".

We've tried everything to get through to these politicians.

Harvard lawyers, lobbyists, wisecracking leprechauns.

Excuse me. Do you have a dollar? I'm a little short.

That's the problem. They're idiots in Washington.

Instead of a smart guy, we should send a moron they can relate to.

Where are we going to find someone who's that stupid?

Yeah. And not just stupid. Fat, too.

That's exactly what we need.

Wait. Didn't we just make a fat, stupid guy president?

You bet we did. Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is... that guy!

So what's this big assignment you got for me, chairman of the broad?

"Chairman of the broad". When did you become such a stitch?

Don't you remember? You gave me writers.

"I don't want to say you're rich, but when you walk into a bank, all the tellers go 'Whoopee!"'

That wasn't funny. I thought you were Jewish.

He's only half-Jewish.

You're fired.

Here's the thing. Some troublemakers in Congress are trying to shut us down.

We need someone important like you to go down to Washington and help those bastards see what fun-loving people the tobacco industry's made of.

Washington? Sweet.

But I gotta warn you, I've made some enemies on the Hill.

And that's when Clarence Thomas forced me into his chambers and showed me lewd pictures.

We have indisputable evidence that not only have you never been in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you've never been in the same state.

How do you respond to that?

Bababooie! Bababooie! Howard Stern's pen1s! Bababooie!

How long is Dad gonna be in Washington?

As long as it takes. He's a very important man now.

He's the spokesman for his entire industry.

Thank you, Martha. Brian, could you pass me the TV guide?

Piss off!

What?

I'm sorry. It just feels like for ever since I've had a smoke.

I'm just a bit testy. Stop staring at my tail!

Mr Harrison? I see those government guys you were telling me about.

I'll show 'em a good time and get 'em to come around to our side.

Excuse me. Al Gore? George W Bush?

Yes?

Yes?

Great. And what's your friend's name?

Dick Armey.

Oh, God. No, seriously. What's his name?

Dick Armey.

Oh. Oh, I just got it.

Hey. Hey, Armey. Hey, what's your wife's name? v*g1n* Coastguard?

I'm kidding. Get in the car. We're going to a skin bar.

OK.

Great.

That sounds good.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I don't know what happened.

Oh, it's OK. It's OK, Senator. This girl didn't have a family.

It'll be like she never existed. Grab ahold of yourself.

You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat.

You may have killed her when you hit her with the stool. I'm not a doctor.

But I'll tell you what didn't kill her... Smoking.

You have our support.

Look, kids. Here's your father in People magazine with Jim Carrey, and they're both "Sssmokin'!"

I loved that in Mask. "Sssmokin'!"

"Sssmokin'!" "Sssmokin'!"

Do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day?!

But, hey, I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face!

Mom!

Honey, your face smells fine.

He doesn't mean it. It's the lack of nicotine.

Mom, the school janitor said that Dad's working for the bad guys.

He said it through a hole in his throat.

That doesn't make him right.

If I had a hole in my throat, I'd put pennies in it!

Your father's doing great work. Life's never been better.

Yes. I, too, applaud the oaf for finally showing initiative.

God knows it was years overdue.

You know who I saw at the market today?

Patty Croft. Oh, and she has gotten fat!

Oh, my God! Stewie, no! Oh, God. What have I done?

I knew smoking was bad. But I still sold my soul.

And for what? Martha Stewart?

Come on, kids. We gotta put a stop to this. Now!

Finally.

Ah.

"They call me Bill Yes, they call me Bill And I'm standing here on Capitol...

Aoow!

Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style.

Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole.

There you are. I caught Stewie smoking. That cigarette company is evil.

We can't be a part of this any more.

This is the best job I ever had!

Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.

What kind of cheap shot... Joel!

I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

Mr Griffin, time for your speech.

What about your son?

So Stewie had a puff. He's old enough to make his own decisions.

For God's sakes, Lois, he's one. Cut the umbilical cord.

Ladies and gentlemen of Congress, I am here today to talk to you about smoking.

Oh, please, Peter, do the right thing.

I know a lot of you are already on my side.

And for you naysayers, I have two strong words for you...

Come on! Come on!

OK. OK, sure.

All right. Why not?

Thank you, ladies and... and...

Baby needs to suck ash! Baby needs to suck ash!

Not "ass", you pervert. Save it for the interns.

Is that a baby?

Oh, my God. That's Stewie. Lois was right. Children under four shouldn't smoke.

I don't care about this job any more. Cigarettes are bad!

Mr Griffin is right! Smoking is a horrible vice!

It shortens life expectancy and pollutes our air.

According to recent polls, air is good.

Cigarettes killed my father and raped my mother!

I propose we send a message to tobacco companies by fining the El Dorado Cigarette Company infinity billion dollars!

That's the spirit, Frank. But I think a real number might be more effective.

All in favour of fining this evil tobacco giant $100 million dollars say "Aye".

Aye!

But that'll bankrupt us!

You mean the way you've morally bankrupted America?

Thanks for that zinger. Give me a snappy line to go out on.

Actually, our lunch is here.

Uh...

Well, that's my mama!

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. We've had a lot of laughs tonight.

But I'll tell you what's not funny. Killing strippers. Strippers are people, too.

Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate.

Besides, there's no need to kill 'em. Most of them are already dead inside.

Good night, everyone.