UnwANTed

1 I am so excited! Olive and I are giving each other makeovers today! I barely get to spend any time alone with her since she started dating Dixon. He is always around. It'll be nice to finally do something, just me and Olive. Clearly you've been desperate for companionship, because you've mistaken me for someone who cares about your life. Hey, Chyna! Ready for some girl time? Sure. Just one problem. He's not a girl. He's pretty, but he's not a girl. The spy business is a very lonely business, I didn't want Dixon to feel left out. Come on, you can do my makeup, I'll do Dixon's, and Dixon can do yours. Dixon? Don't worry, Chyna. I've actually taken courses in makeup application. I know what I'm doing. Really? Okay. Thanks, Chyna. I look great. And Olive, I like the way you put makeup on me. And Chyna, what do you think? I think you could have told me you specialize in disguise makeup. And why would a spy ever need to look like a hamburger? Come on, Chyna, you look great. All you need are a couple of accessories. Oh, you mean like a milkshake and a side of fries? Look at her. She's an unhappy meal. Ooh, ooh Doo, doo Ooh, ooh Doo, doo Whoo! Everybody's got that thing Something different we all bring Don't you let 'em clip your wings You got it You got it We're on fire and we blaze In extraordinary ways 365 days We got it We got it You can dream it You can be it If you can feel it You can believe it 'Cause I am, you are, we are Exceptional Exceptional Yeah, I am, you are, we are Exceptional Exceptional Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh Whoo! Hey, Olive, Dixon. I'd hate to be a third wheel again. Don't worry, Chyna, you're not a third wheel. He is. We're on a date, Philip! Take a hint! Anyway, Dixon, this just came for you. It's an envelope! Maybe there's something inside of it. It's a digital voice recorder! Lucky guess. Good afternoon, Dixon. This is the National Intelligence Agency. We are contacting you because we need you for a top-secret operation. A top-secret operation? Yes, a top-secret operation. This is incredible! I've been waiting for a mission! Your wait for a mission is over. You must go to Washington D. C. and run surveillance on the Canadian embassy. It might look like nothing suspicious is happening. It might even look like the embassy is closed for renovations. But do not be fooled by that, or the fact that Canada is one of our closest allies. That's what they want us to believe. Sneaky Canucks. Well, I better get into my work clothes. There. Now I'm ready. You have to leave right now? You have to leave right now. By the way, if you mention anything to the agency, we will deny any knowledge of the mission, even though it is completely real and not at all pretend. Well, goodbye, Dixon! See you! I'm sorry, Olive. Duty calls. Philip, I need your unicycle! Official government business! Got all the clothes in! No! Lexi, you got a minute? No, I don't have a minute! Or enough closet space! Z-Tech's gaming division has a new street driving video game. We're trying to access the servers and play it before it's released to the public. I can't get past the security. We need your math skills to crack the encryption algorithm. Okay, but we better hurry, before one of us gets swept away by the undertow. Undertow? There's no All right. You're in. You're a genius! Sorry. I mean you're beautiful. This game is amazing! And the visuals look so real. This room would make a perfect walk-in closet. Watch it! You're going to smash into that storefront! Well, it was only a bookstore. No one reads anymore anyway. This is so much fun! Just us girls, having girl time, doing girl stuff. Oh, let's talk about boys. Dixon? Dixie Cup! You're back! But it's only been two days! Two glorious Dixon-free days. I had to abort the mission because I was discovered by a teenage Russian spy, cleverly disguised as a bowl of borscht. But the trip wasn't a total loss, because I brought her back with me. Olive, this is my girlfriend, Oksana. Oksana, this is my ex-girlfriend, Olive. Ex-girlfriend? What are you talking about? Oops. I skipped that part, didn't I? I think we should see other people. I am the "other people. " I don't understand. Dixon dumped me? How did this happen? Why are you asking me? What do I know about spies and secret missions? Want to talk about boys? Olive? Are you feeling better? A little. Maybe this is for the best. I mean, what kind of guy would dump you for some not-at-all exotic girl he has nothing in common with who he met on some completely real spy mission? I know, right? I wish he had never been sent on that completely real spy mission! Well, there's nothing we can do about it now. Other than continuing to refer to it as a "completely real spy mission. " Come on, Olive, there are plenty of fish in the sea. But Dixon was a really cute fish! Like Monkeyface prickleback fish cute! I'll never find another guy! Well, you won't if you just lie in bed crying. Are you referring to the cognitive neuroscientific study that determined that women's tears contain an olfactory chemosignal that reduces romantic response in men? Yes. Don't be sad. I'll find you someone else. Someone better. Not because I'm in any way responsible for any of this, but because plenty of guys want to date you. Really? Absolutely! You're the most desirable girl in school! I mean, what guy wouldn't want a chance to go out with Zeezoo? Zingzang? Zoozibble? Zazow. Come on. I'll prove it to you. Who wants to go out with Olive? Looks like they're all afraid to compete with Zoozibble. I knew I'd heard that somewhere! I told you there was no one else for me. What about me? No one! I want my Dixie Cup back. Well, if that's what you want, then I will make that my mission. Not that I know anything about missions. Guys, did you see the front page of this completely real newspaper? Nobody reads! Well, then I'll tell you what it says. "An out-of-control car in Palo Alto "has caused millions of dollars of damage, "including wrecking a bookstore. " That's weird. Angus and I hit a bookstore in the game. Don't you get it? It's not a game! You've been controlling Z-Tech's new experimental driverless car! Are you saying we caused all that damage? I'm not saying it. This completely real newspaper is. It says, "Authorities are determined "to bring the perpetrators to justice "and are closing in on two suspects in Palo Alto "described as undesirable to women. " Oh, no, they have our descriptions! Wait! I know. Why don't you guys hide out in my closet? But what about your clothes and shoes? Don't worry. I'll figure something out. Dixon, can I talk to you for a minute? Can it wait? I'm meeting Oksana. She's helping me study for my spy exam. It's torture. Why, is it, like, really hard? No. This semester we're studying torture. About Oksana. Do you really think you two belong together? You need someone you can talk to, not someone who has ways of making you talk. Listen, I'm sure if you look deep down in your heart, you'll see who's the right girl for you. You! Get away from him! Oksana? You try to steal Dixie Cup! No, not at all. I was talking about Olive. Dixon, tell her. Dixon? Where are you? Are you in disguise makeup? Are you the cantaloupe? Tell her, cantaloupe! You now become my blood enemy! Don't you think we're moving too fast? Maybe we should start as regular enemies, and see how that goes before we jump ahead to blood enemies. I would even be willing to try blood frenemies. This is what I do to blood frenemies. Ya! You've got to listen to me. I'm not interested in Dixon! Liar! All girlies want Dixie Cup! That is so not true! I want Dixie Cup! Okay, that is what we call in America "a hilarious coincidence. " I have ways of truthing the truth out of peoples! You know the best way to get the truth out of me? Close your eyes and count to 100. I only learn to count to 20 in English. Oh, that's okay. That'll work. One. Seven. Four. Ten. W. Six. Yellow. Lexi, we need to talk about this "arrangement. " Um, I can explain. After all these years of going to school together, I never thought you were capable of something like this. Really? Because I feel like I've done way worse. Moving all your stuff out of your closet and putting it in here. That must have been a huge hassle for you. Thanks. Oh, right, the hiding spot. You're welcome. Now back in the hole, fugitives! Uh, there's one problem. I can't spend that much time in a confined space with Fletcher. All he does is complain about my flatulence! Hey, I don't always complain! Sometimes I'm just unconscious. It is way too dangerous for you guys to be in here! The cops were all over this place right before you walked in. They boxed up all your stuff and took it away as evidence. Oh, no! We've got to get out of here! Good idea. See you. Wait! We'll never escape on foot. Why don't we take the driverless car Lexi read about in that completely real newspaper? No! You can't do that! Sure we can! All we have to do is use your Z-Pad to drive it here and it'll be waiting just outside the door. Right? I guess so. Ugh! Tricking people out of their rooms so you can turn it into a walk-in closet should not be this difficult! What's wrong? I was just wondering if you got my Dixie Cup back for me. Maybe it's time to forget about Dixie Cup and just be Solo Cup for a while. You deserve someone who won't run off with the first homicidal maniac he sees. Speaking of which, you haven't seen Oksana, have you? Well, I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but there's no way you can understand what I'm going through. Nobody would ever break up with you, because everybody loves you. You can't understand how it feels to be afraid of having no one and ending up alone. Olive, you never have to worry about being alone, because I'll always be here for you. Where you go, Dixie Cup thief? Except now! Gotta run! Okay, the driverless car should be here any second. Is this the driverless car? You mean the car that just pulled up with no driver? Wow! You'd think Lexi's closet would have more clothes. And less of a stale flatulence smell. Aha! There you is, Chyna! Now admit you want Dixie Cup! Okay, the truth is I'm not Chyna. My real name Dorianna Bannisterovich. You Dorianna Bannisterovich? Head of Russian Secret Agency? There's really a Dorianna Bannisterovich? I mean da, da. Don't worry about Chyna. Agency took care of her. She tried to escape in elaborate makeup. This all that's left of her now. Yothinu I born tomorrow? I know you not Dorianna Bannisterovich. And this not Chyna. This Delicious! All American food taste this good? Yes. So maybe you should forget the whole spying and vengeance thing and just stay in America. Because revenge, like everything in America, is a dish best served with a side of fries. This driverless car is amazing. Although I don't know why we slow down every time we pass a clothing store or a cute guy. The cops are everywhere. There's only one way out of this. We need this car to drive us to Canada! Canada? No way! I'm not doing that! Who said that? Angus, it's obvious what's going on here. The driverless car talks! Yes, I am the car. Beep-beep. Take us to Canada, talking car! No. Why should I listen to someone someone who's been stinking up the back seat for miles? You have more gas than I do. Angus, watch out! There's a squirrel! Lexi? What's going on? Okay. You were playing a game. You didn't cause any damage. I tricked you so I could use your room as a closet. So you lied to us? You're no better than this talking car that also lied to us! Never mind that! I destroyed a bookstore! Luckily, no one got hurt, because no one reads anymore. Yeah, but you're going to have to pay for all this damage. I can't afford that! Then you'd better hide. And I think I know just the place. You think I'll be safe in my closet? Shh! I hear someone coming. Hey, Olive. Hey, Fletcher. Did Chyna send you up here to talk to me? No, I haven't seen Chyna. I was driving to Canada in a fake talking car. Oh. That's nice. What? You're not going to make fun of me or call me stupid? What's wrong? Ah You wouldn't understand. Relationship problems. I got dumped. I know how you feel. I was dumped recently, too. By Kennedy. You're going to go through some phases. At first you'll feel like a total loser. Then what? I don't know. I've been stuck in this phase for a while. Thanks, Fletcher. I needed that. It's not easy being alone. You're not alone. Look, I know we fight all the time, but I'm always here for you. What just happened? Your face bumped into my lips! No! No, you kissed me! And I don't feel like vomiting. Me neither. What is happening? Olive, there you are. Uh-huh. Look, I have a confession to make. I sent Dixon away. It's my fault he broke up with you. I feel terrible. Can you ever forgive me? Yeah, of course. 'Cause that's what friends do. They kiss and make up. And And by that I mean they reconcile because why would you literally kiss me? Or anyone kiss me? Especially Fletcher. I wasn't talking about Fletcher. Who is, ever? Look, I totally forgive you, Chyna. I'm over Dixon. You are? Mmm-hmm. Because you were, like, head over heels in love with him. I mean, he is really handsome, and debonair, and handsome, and handsome The lady said she's over him! Okay. Fine. Sorry. So What now? Well, we could either talk endlessly about the kiss and what it means, or we could just pretend it never happened. Or we could kiss again. Okay. Get out of here, Philip! We're trying to have a moment! Hey, Dixie Cup. I heard Oksana broke up with you. Feeling better? A little. Dude, you need to forget about Oksana. Tell you what, I'm sure I could find another girl to go out with you. Of course, it won't be easy. You're not exactly Zoozibble. Okay! Who wants to go out with Dixon?