Canning Randy

ed's class

Ted: And so, due to one architectural oversight, the Toledo Bridge Disaster of 1906 claimed the lives of 75 people. Now, I hate to stop while I'm on a roll, but happy Halloween, ya crazies!

(class cheering)

Student #1: Hey, Professor Brosby, you gonna come get beers with us later?

Ted: Nah, I got a thing. But you kids have fun trick or treating. This is a treat.

Student #2: You're the coolest, Professor Mosby. Well, hot dog.

(class laughs)

At the GNB halloween party

Lily: Did it hurt?

Ted: What?

Lily: Getting that kid's nose surgically removed from your ass.

Ted: It's not her nose that's in my ass, Lily, it's her heart. My class loves me; I-I'm really making an impression on those guys. I'd like to make impression on those guys.

Barney: Man, I love the office Halloween party. It is so much sluttier than the office Christmas party. Though not as freaky as the office President's Day Rave. Or the office Tu B'Shvat Pajama Jammy-Jam.

Randy: Hey, guys.

Marshall: Hey, Randy. Uh, you want a beer?

Randy: Oh, no, thank you. I brew my own. At the risk of bragging, my Hazelnut Pilsner won fourth prize at the Weehawken Retirement Home Clam Bake and Wheelchair Maintenance Picnic.

Barney: I wouldn't consider any part of that bragging.

Randy: Hey, it just occurred to me, is your friend, what's her name? Garbin, Flabin...

Ted: Robin?

Randy: Robin. That's it, yeah. Is she gonna be here? Oh, not that I really care.

Lily: Robin has another party to go to.

Randy: No! Damn it! I'm leaving.

Lily: But she might stop by later.

Randy: I guess I can hang out a little longer. So, anyone going to see the Halloween parade?

Ted from 2030: Oh, we were big fans of New York's annual Halloween parade. I don't mean the one that takes place Halloween night in the Village. I mean the one that takes place the morning of November 1st, the Annual Post Halloween Walk of Shame Parade.

On the porch of Ted's appartment

Marshall: Look at them heading home after their dirty, filthy hookups.

Barney: (shudders) Looks like that bee got busy.

Ted: Looks like that French maid didn't turn down somebody's bed.

Marshall: Oh, looks like Pocahontas has a couple of wounded knees.

Ted: Come on, Marshall.

Barney: That's a line.

Marshall: No, it's because of the...

Ted: We get it.

Barney: Does it get any better than this?

Ted: Uh, yes. (Robin arrives) Yes, it does.

Robin: Crap.

[OPENING CREDITS]

The Bar:

Barney: There she is Florence Night-In-Bed-With-A-Stranger.

Lily: So, who's the lucky patient?

Robin: I don't want to talk about it.

Ted: Please tell me you're not hooking up with one of your co-anchors again.

Robin: My co-anchor's a woman.

Barney: Please tell me you are hooking up with one of your co-anchors again. (laughing)

Ted from 2030: Robin had always believed that the key to success was intelligence, hard work and professionalism. Her new co-anchor Becky had a different philosophy.

[FLASHBACK]

(techno music playing)

Becky: Boats! Boats! Boats!

Announcer: It's the Farhampton Boat Show! Remember 5th, 6th and 7th at the Farhampton Civic Center. Come on down.

Becky: B-B-B-Boats!

Robin: You did a commercial?

Becky: Why not?

Robin: You're a journalist! Don't you want to be taken seriously?

Becky: No. I'm cute.

Robin: Okay, well, if you really think this is going to help your image.

Mike: Hi, Becky. Boats, boats, boats! Robin, a little help here?

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Ted: Robin, you gotta not worry so much about being liked.

Robin: Oh, easy for you to say. Everybody loves you at your job.

Ted from 2030: That was true of my teaching job. But I was also designing the new headquarters for Goliath National Bank, and well...

Zoey: Ted Mosby, we don't like you! What do you have to say for yourself, tearing down a beautiful, old building just to put up a stupid band headquarters?

Ted: Hmm... Boo... freakin'... hoo.

Zoey: Boo freakin' hoo? That's it? The Arcadian is an architecturally significant...

Ted: Architecturally significant?! Zoey, you're very pretty. Your hair smells great.

Zoey: Shampoo. You should try it sometime.

Ted: You don't know the first thing about architecture.

Zoey: Key - Ted Mosby's car. Go on.

Ted: I'm a professor, okay? I teach this stuff at one of the best colleges in the country. I don't go down to your place of non-employment and lecture you about how your little protest is a misguided waste of time, except whoops, I just did. Ha-burn.

Zoey: Oh, good, the eggs are here.

Ted: Well, I should head up.

Ted from 2030: No, GNB was not popular. That's why every year they produced a feel-good video to improve the bank's image.

The GNB Headquarters

GNB announcer: What makes Goliath National Bank different from other big banks? Here at GNB, we care.

Barney: I care about our precious Earth.

Randy: I care about old people.

Man: I care about high-yield offshore investments. And so does Tugboat here. Isn't that right, Tugboat?

Marshall: Yeah. Okay, get that camera out of my face before I flip you like a cheese omelet.

Barney: All you have to do is say "I care about making dreams come true."

Marshall: First of all, that line makes me sound like a hooker and saying it makes me feel like a hooker, so.

Barney: Everyone is in this video. Randy's in the video.

Randy: I don't want to brag, but in 29 takes, I only threw up thrice.

Marshall: Wait. Randy, did you send the Hermanson contracts downtown?

Randy: I did. I sent them downtown. Why are you saying it like that?

Marshall: They never arrived at the downtown office.

Randy: They... Well, just to make sure we're on the same page is "send them downtown" not an expression for shredding a document?

Marshall: You shredded them?!

Randy: Yeah. I sent them downtown. You know, down into the shredder. You-you feed the paper in a downwards fashion, so that's where the expression comes from.

Marshall: That's not an expression! That has never been an expression!

Randy: Okay, I can fix this. I am all over this project.

Barney: I'll say this: There is no quit in that guy. You should fire him.

Marshall: Okay, that, that right there. That attitude is exactly why I won't be in your video. Because GNB doesn't care. They hand out pink slips like they're hors d'oevres. Just last week, I was talking to Arthur...

[FLASHBACK]

Arthur: Oh, whoa, you're wearing a green tie now. I'm wearing a green tie.

(elevator bell dings)

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Marshall: GNB treats people like they're disposable, and I will not be a part of that. Marshall Eriksen does not fire people, period.

Randy: Uh, just want you to know, we are making good progress on this new project. (phone rings) Oh, you gentlemen keep talking, I will answer that. Marshall Eriksen's office. [...] Yeah, I can get that for you. [...] Just a second. Uh... bank. The "B" stands for bank. Okay, Mother, I'll see you tonight. Oh, yikes. I'd better get Mr. Messy a napkin. (loud clattering)

Marshall: Period.

The Bar

Lily: Just tell me who you slept with!

Robin: Lily, I don't want to get into it, okay?

Lily: Aha, it's someone we know. If it was some ding dong we didn't know, you'd just give me his name.

Robin: Fine. It's Bill Pepper.

Lily: Bill Pepper? Mm-hmm. Kind of a coincidence there happens to be a bill and a pepper shaker here on the table. Any chance you and Bill had a three-way with Fork Napkin? It's someone we know!

Ted's class

Ted: So, I'm assuming you all read the chapters on the Greek Revival architecture. Any questions?

Zoey: Yes. How do you sleep at night?

Ted: What are you doing here?

Zoey: It was recently made clear to me that I don't know the first thing about architecture, so here I am.

Ted: Very well, then, let's get started. (clears throat) Some examples of Greek Revival architecture...

Zoey: Ooh! Ooh! Is The Arcadian Greek Revival?

Ted: No.

Student: What's The Arcadian?

Zoey: Oh, it's just this beautiful, old building that Professor Mosby wants to tear down.

Student: What?! No, Professor Mosby loves old buildings. He wouldn't do that. Right, Ted?

Ted: Getting back to Greek Revival...

The bar

Ted: I lost them.

Lily: Look, you're new at teaching. In my kindergarten class, I have had plenty of troublesome students. Like Johnny Marley...

[FLASHBACK]

(boy shouting playfully)

Lily: Johnny? Johnny!

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Lily: He and that little stuffed horsey raised all kinds of hell. But I have a simple method for shutting down troublemakers. You know that '98 Taurus that's always parked outside? The one with the really annoying alarm?

(Robin and T'ed both mimick a long, complex car alarm blaring)

Ted: We're familiar with it.

Lily: Well, when a kid like Johnny acts up in my class...

[FLASHBACK]

(kids laughing and shouting playfully, when Lily starts mimicking a long, complex car alarm blaring)

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Lily: Shuts them right up.

Ted: Lily, my students are adults, and I treat them that way. I'll just give them more candy and make them a mix CD. Problem solved.

Lily: Oh, baby, what's wrong?

Marshall: Something bad happened.

[FLASHBACK]

(knocking)

Marshall: Randy, hey, have you seen the...

Randy: Before you get to that, regarding the earlier project I was working on... Voil&agrave;!

Marshall: That's the Hermanson contract?

Randy: The Hermanson contract? Oh, man, this is the Filbert contract. Damn it! No... (He shredds the file once again) Anyway, what's your thing?

Marshall: I need the Filbert contract!

Randy: Well, I'll do what I can. But in my experience, twice shredded is fairly permanent.

Marshall: Sorry, Randy, but... this just isn't working out.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Barney: Marshall popped his cherry! Oh! Come on, Marshall, you have to admit, the guy was a disaster. I mean, it reflected badly on the company. He was an embarrassment. A huge embarrassment.

(pounds table)

Lily: You slept with Randy!

Robin: What?!

Lily: Why, it's elementary, my dear Scherbatson.

[FLASHBACK]

Lily: Your co-host is getting super-popular because of her stupid commercial, "Boats! Boats! Boats!" So, when you arrived at the GNB party after we left, you were feeling vulnerable and drunk. Then, from across the not-so-crowded conference room, your eyes met. And as we all remember... Randy has a unique condition.

Robin: Yeah, your nose is bleeding like a faucet.

Randy: Oh, God, this happens every time I get an erection. I am so sorry.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Robin: That's...exactly what happened.

Barney: See, Marshall, if getting fired is an execution, at least the guy had a last meal. I promise you, tomorrow you'll feel a lot better.

Randy's office

Marshall: Randy, hey, what's going on?

Randy: I just wanted to say no hard feelings.

Marshall: Thank you. So where you headed now?

Randy: Downtown. (Randy jumps into the shredder, Marshall wakes up)

Marshall: No!!

Lily: It's okay, baby.

Ted from 2030: It wasn't okay. So the next morning...

Marshall's boss' office

Marshall: Arthur, I'm here because I made a mistake. I fired Randy yesterday.

Arthur: That was a mistake. You should have fired him a year ago.

Marshall: No, sir, that is what's wrong with this company. How can we say "GNB Cares," and then turn around and treat someone like that? I mean, sure, he made a few mistakes but everybody makes mistakes. Like, like Tugboat here. Aw. I bet you he's made some mistakes. And you didn't fire Tugboat, did you?

Arthur: No, I got him fixed, and he calmed down.

Marshall: Exactly-- kind of. Randy doesn't need to be fired. He needs to be fixed.

Arthur: Marshall, we do some pretty bad things around here, but I...

Marshall: No, sir, I'm saying instead of getting rid of someone when they screw up, we should... we should help them. We should nurture them.

Arthur: I changed the ice pack on his crotch every hour for three days. Wow, Eriksen, if you want to un-fire Randy, I support you, because to come in here and say what you just said, well, you've got a couple things that Tugboat doesn't.

Ted's class

(angry shouting)

Ted: Guys, Prof Rock is a really good mix, okay?

Student: A piece of New York history is being torn down, and all you could say was "Boo freakin' hoo"?

Ted: Boo... freakin'...

Zoey: I may have mentioned our conversation over a session of hacky sack.

Ted: The one day I miss the sack circle, you guys sub her in?

Zoey: Why'd you miss? Too busy tearing down the Statue of Liberty?

Ted: No. I was returning a hot dog costume that you all enjoyed.

(angry shouting)

Ted from 2030: They were all turning against me, so I figured, what the hell.

(the shouting continues; Ted starts mimicking a long, complex car alarm blaring)

The Bar

Lily: And did it work?

Ted: Like gangbusters. We're buddies again. After class, we hacked a little sack to the thumpin' strains of my Prof Rock CD. And no, none of them had heard the Pixies B-side. Actually, none of them had heard of the Pixies. Or a B-side.

Randy: Hey, guys.

Barney: Uh-oh. I know that smile. Lily, there's no easy way to say this. Marshall's dead. Randy murdered him.

Lily: No. I know why Randy is smiling. You're smiling because of Robin.

Randy: Robin? Like how I think about her when I'm in the shower?

Ted: I'm trying to eat here, buddy.

Lily: No. Because you slept with her on Halloween.

Randy: What? No. I went home, had a shower an-and went to bed.

Lily: You didn't sleep with her?

Randy: No. Even in the shower, the farthest we ever get is hugging.

Lily: So why are you smiling?

Randy: I'll tell you why.

[FLASHBACK]

Marshall: This just isn't working out.

Randy, thinking: I'm fired. Great. This is the candle kiosk at the mall all over again. Wait a minute. I can get a severance check. If I don't shred it, I can use that money to start my own brewery. Imagine a beer with my name on it. Randy Wharmpiss, this is the best day of your life.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Randy: Thanks to that severance check, this time next year, you'll all be enjoying a frothy mug of Wharmpiss.

Marshall: Randy, great news! You're not fired!

Randy, wailing: No...!

Ted's class

(Ted enters an empty room)

Ted: Good morning, everybody... Where's my class?

Next to the Arcadian

(angry shouting)

Zoey: Hello, Professor. Ha-boom.

Marshall's office

Marshall: I got you your job back, Randy. I thought that you'd be happy.

Randy: But I don't belong here. I'm born to be a brewer! A... a hopsmeister!

Marshall: Well, then quit. No one's stopping you.

Randy: I-I can't. I need my severance check.

Marshall: Well, I'm sorry Randy, but that's called fraud.

Randy: It's not fraud. I'm just asking you to get me a lot of money to not work here and not tell anyone about it.

Marshall: Even if I wanted to fire you, after my talk with Arthur...

Randy: Oh, come on, Arthur can't remember that.

Arthur, entering the room: Marshall, what a memorable talk we had yesterday. Randy, on behalf of everyone at GNB, both in and out of prison, we're sorry. And I want to assure you you will never be fired again. You're going to work here until you die, huh? Green tie? (clears throat) Nice choice.

Randy: Thanks. It brings out my eyes.

Arthur: Yeah. I'll bring out your eyes.

Marshall: Listen, Randy, I'm sorry, but I broke my own moral code once and I felt evil. I will not let GNB change me. I will never fire anyone again ever.

Randy: Oh, we'll see about that.

Barney: Anyhoo, while I got you-- big smile. "We care about making dreams come true," in three, two...

Randy: No!

Marshall: What are you doing?

Randy: Oh, are you unhappy with my performance? Well, I guess I'm fired, then. I'd better turn in my I.D.

Marshall: No, it's actually, um, nice having some of this clutter off my desk. So thank you, Randy.

Randy: And there's more.

Marshall: I don't know what I'm going to use this for, but it's great stuff.

Randy: Now am I fired?

Marshall: I've been meaning to clean out that file cabinet for ages.

Barney: I'm not even here. Randy, the coffee.

Marshall: Oh! Okay. Okay. Thank you, Randy. I've been meaning to cut back on my caffeine.

Barney: Here, try this, but really go for it. Remember, this guy ruined your life.

Marshall: That's just the pick-me-up I needed.

Barney: Speaking of pickups, can we try the first one again?

Lily's class

(her phone starts ringing)

Lily: Hello.

Ted: It didn't work. They hate me. How do I get them to like me again?

Lily: You don't. Ted, you're their teacher. The only people that like their teachers...

Ted: I like my teachers.

Lily:...are dorks. Except for you, Miles. Ted, you just have to learn to embrace their hatred. Because behind that hatred lies fear. And you can use use that fear, like I did with Johnny Marley.

Ted: Was there more to that story?

Lily: A little bit.

[FLASHBACK]

(The boy wakes up from his nap and find the head of his stuffed animal next to him; he starts screaming)

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Ted: Lily, you're a psychopath.

Lily: A little bit. Oh, a panda!

Ted's class

Ted from 2030: I thought about Lily's advice. And I figured fear was worth a try.

Zoey: Well, Professor Mosby, is there anything you want to say to us?

Ted: Anyone not in class tomorrow gets an "F."

The Bar

Lily: You said that?

Ted: Well, technically, they'd get an incomplete, but I thought "F" had a nice, scary ring to it. Right?

Lily: Yeah.

Robin: Hey, guys.

Lily: Robin, who'd you sleep with?

Robin: I told you-- Randy. He was a machine.

Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?

Robin: Fine. I didn't sleep with anyone. The thing is, ever since Becky did that commercial, everyone at work loves her. So, the day after Halloween, I was in a commercial.

Ted: What... Why didn't you tell us?

[FLASHBACK]

Announcer: Bladder trouble; it's embarrassing, it's uncomfortable, and it can affect anyone.

Robin: I'm going to the bathroom right now.

Announcer: Neat and discreet adult diapers for anyone.

Robin: Say... "Ah..."

[END OF FLASHBACK]

(Ted laughing)

Ted: Wow! I can't wait to see it.

Robin: Well, hopefully you never will. They said that they might not even use it.

Ted from 2030: It ran for seven years.

Marshall's office

Randy: Okay, you win. Maybe trashing your office was a mistake. It's just, uh, as long as I can remember, making beer has been my dream. Wharmpiss? I know it sounds dumb to someone who's already achieved his dream, big-time lawyer at a huge corporation.

Marshall: You think working here is my dream?

Randy: Of course. Anyways, I'll clean this stuff up. Have someone get that dead squirrel out of your desk.

Marshall: Randy. This is delicious. You're fired.

Ted from 2030: Kids, the next morning, my class had the highest attendance it had ever had. And not long after that, Randy used his severance money to start a little brewery. Now you can have a Wharmpiss at every bar in America. And all because...

Marshall: I care about making dreams come true. You got what you need?

Barney: Yep. That's a wrap.

[END]