Neptune's Spatula

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Neptune's Spatula" from season one, which aired on April 1, 2000.

Plot
SpongeBob Patrick are browsing through Fry Cook Museum making noises at every rare item they see)

SpongeBob: Behold the ultimate cooking utensil, the golden spatula! (Larry tries to pull the spatula out)

Patrick: Hey SpongeBob, look what it says here. (reads plaque) Many have tried to pull the spatula from this ancient grease but all have failed.

SpongeBob: Only a fry cook worthy of King Neptune himself can wield...

SpongeBob & Patrick: ...the golden spatula. Wow!

SpongeBob: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Take a picture of me and the spatula! (SpongeBob runs up to the spatula and holds it) Okay, I'm ready! (Patrick is about to take a picture)

Old Lady: Excuse me, do you know where the menu section is? (Patrick gets confused and drools)

Patrick: UHHHHHHH!!!

SpongeBob: Menu section? That's easy, it's over that way. (SpongeBob pulls the spatula out and gray clouds appear above him) Uh-oh.

Old Lady: (deep voice) Holy smokes! (runs away)

Patrick: Rude. Hey, the light changed.

SpongeBob: Uhh, Patrick...

Patrick: Hold on, almost there. (clouds open to a mysterious figure comes out that is known as)

King Neptune: Yes, yes, at last! Someone worthy of being the royal fry cook. Who has freed the spatula from the grease?

SpongeBob: Uhh, I did, Mr. Neptune, sire.

King Neptune: A fine jest, boy. You are but a lowly sponge. Puny, insignificant, a commoner. Therefore you could never be fry cook to a god and this is why it is funny! (laughs) Now step aside as I seek out the real fry cook. (searches for the real spatula taker then comes up to a hot dog stand) Ah! A purveyor of foods. Yes, you must be my new fry cook.

Hot Dog Vendor: Uhh, sorry, King Neptune. I don't make them. I just sell them.

King: Then who pulled the spatula from the grease?

Hot Dog Vendor: Well, he did. (points to SpongeBob)

King Neptune: (laughs) It is even funnier a second time! (destroys the hot dog stand with fist) You there, crustacean!

Larry: Who, me?

King Neptune: You have the physique of Atlas!

Larry: (laughs) Thanks, I work out.

King Neptune: Make poses with me!

Larry: Okay!

Both: (show off their muscles) Body slam!

King Neptune: You pulled the spatula from the grease!

Larry: Nope, that was SpongeBob.

King Neptune: This joke has gone far enough! Where's my fry cook? (everyone runs except Patrick) Certainly you with your prodigious girth would know how to cook a burger to suit a royal palate! (Patrick points to SpongeBob) What? Am I expected to believe that this creature is royal fry cook material? I don't suppose you have any proof? (Patrick shows photo he took of SpongeBob holding spatula) Ha! This thing is unfit to even scrub the royal tail fin! And besides, it's not just enough to pull a spatula from a greasy griddle. There are certain qualities that a royal fry cook must have.

SpongeBob: Like?

King Neptune: The royal fry cook must be left-handed.

SpongeBob: Actually, I've got two. (shows two left hands)

King Neptune: (snaps fingers) Also, the royal fry cook wears red underwear. (SpongeBob shows his red underwear) No, blue. (SpongeBob shows his blue underwar) The royal fry cook's wallet contains... (SpongeBob takes out his wallet) His big toes... (SpongeBob gets ready to show something about his foot) Uhh, he has six...

Patrick: He is the new royal fry cook and you...

King Neptune: Silence! (Patrick gets zapped)

Patrick: Is it hot in here or what? (falls over)

SpongeBob: (gasp) Patrick! You hurt my friend! You're not a king, you're a bully and a liar!

King Neptune: So, little one, you think you have what it takes to become my royal fry cook? I will prove your worthlessness. You will be tested with a challenge!

Patrick: (faint, down below) Bring it on! SpongeBob can handle any... (Patrick gets zapped again) Ouch.

King Neptune: Your friend's arrogance will cost you dearly. There will be two challenges.

Patrick: Only two? What are two challenges to someone like SpongeBob? (Patrick gets zapped again)

King Neptune: Three challenges!

Patrick: Three? (laughs) Three challenges is nothing. Might as well make it 500 challenges! (Patrick gets zapped again)

King Neptune: Enough!! (Patrick gets zapped into a dust pile)

Patrick: He'll settle for one.

King Neptune: There will be but one challenge. You will face me in: The Ultimate Cook-Off!

SpongeBob: I will accept your challenge if you fix my friend.

King Neptune: Ah, yes, the round one. I shall restore him. (Patrick gets zapped to normal)

Patrick: SpongeBob? SpongeBob? (turns around as we see that his face is now on the bottom of his body above his legs) SpongeBob? Oh, there you are!

SpongeBob: How you feeling?

Patrick: Pretty good. Say, have you gotten taller?

King Neptune: And now, see the fate that may lie ahead. For if some minute chance you meet the challenge, your reward will be great. (opens the clouds) Behold! (shown a man taking a shower and he screams) Woopsie. Now, behold! (opens the clouds again and shown the city of Atlantis) My beloved home of Atlantis. A prize worthy of Apollo. You will reside here in this glorious palace, cook only for me, and be a god!

Patrick: Hey, that sounds pretty good.

King Neptune: But if you should not succeed, you must give up fry cooking forever! What do you say?

SpongeBob: I'm ready.

King Neptune: Very well then. To the Poseidome! (At the Poseidome)

Mr. Krabs: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Ultimate Cook-Off! (Everyone cheers) All right, mates. First to a thousand patties wins. (King Neptune and SpongeBob shake hands. SpongeBob’s arm disintegrates) (it uses like this Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Ultimate Cook Off! (cheers and applause) All right, mates. First to a thousand patties win.)

SpongeBob: May the best man win.

Mr. Krabs: Go back to your corners and when the bell sounds, start cooking! (talking to SpongeBob) Don't worry lad, I have total confidence in you. (Mr. Krabs has a lot of money in his hands) Put it all on Neptune!

SpongeBob: I'm not good enough to cook in Atlantis, Patrick. I should have never taken the challenge.

Patrick: Don't give up on your dream, SpongeBob! People used to tell me: 'Patrick, you'll never amount to anything. You'll always have your head in the clouds.' Well, just look at me now. (bell dings) Go get 'em, tiger! (King Neptune starts making his krabby patties and so does SpongeBob. SpongeBob takes his time going through each important step to make sure his patty comes out right. King Neptune makes his very quickly with help from sea creatures. In the end the score is King Neptune: 1000 SpongeBob: 1)

King Neptune: I win! (everyone cheers but SpongeBob) Loser! Free patties for everyone! (everyone in the audience chews a bite out of the patties that K.N. made and they spit it out immediately) Fools! Have you no taste buds? There's nothing wrong with these, they're delicious! (subtitles say Fish: Too chicken to eat it!) (subtitles say Fish 2: Why don't you eat one?!) (everyone wants King Neptune to eat one) (captions read (chanting) Eat it! Eat it!) Okay, mine's no good. But what makes you think his will be any better? (King Neptune grabs a patty from SpongeBob) Give me that! (King Neptune eats it and begins to like it) Mmmm. Why this is so good, I'd like to try it a second time! (King Neptune spits it out and eats it again)

Audience: Eeewww! (captions uses like this All: Ewwwwwwwwww!)

SpongeBob: So, uhh, what do you think?

King Neptune: Yours is superior. Therefore, I concede to you, SpongeBob SquarePants, you win. (everyone cheers)

SpongeBob & Patrick: (both dancing) We're going to Atlantis! We're going to Atlantis! (King Neptune laughs)

SpongeBob: What's so funny?

King Neptune: You, SpongeBob. That repulsive thing in my palace?

SpongeBob: You mean, Patrick can't come?

King Neptune: (laughs) No, of course not.

SpongeBob: And my friends?

King Neptune: Ah, the only friend you need, dear boy, is the royal grill.

Patrick: (crying and wiping his tears with a tissue) It was nice knowing you, buddy!

SpongeBob: I know, Mr. Krabs, I'll miss you too.

Mr. Krabs: (crying) I lost me bet!

King Neptune: Come SpongeBob, grab your things! It's time to depart... (2-seater bike appears) to Atlantis!

SpongeBob: I...I... (cries) I don't wanna go!

King Neptune: It's too late now. I can't live without your burgers. You're going to be a god and like it! (King Neptune zaps SpongeBob and he becomes a muscular god. But being the same size, he looks a little strange) Maybe we do have a problem.

SpongeBob: (in a booming voice) Wait, Neptune! I have another idea! (Patrick walks in the Krusty Krab still looking the same when King Neptune changed him back to normal but with his face on the bottom)

Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Krew.

SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick. What'll you have? (Patrick drools stupidity then SpongeBob hears King Neptune shout) Can you excuse me?

King Neptune: This accursed stove has burnt my finger. Feel thy own wrath, stove! (uses his powers to zap the stove) Haha!

SpongeBob: What did I tell you about using your powers, trainee?

King Neptune: (sighs) Perfect patties are made with love, not magic.