No Money, Mo' Problems

Thanks for winning this for me. Mmm.

That is some arm you've got there.

Oh, thanks. I got it from trying to hold Luke back.

He tries to hug me.

A lot.

Well, if it isn't my destitute son, and the trash who's dragging him all the way down to her trailer park.

I live in the penthouse above you!

My offer still stands, brooksie.

Dump bessie and you get your fortune back.

No! I am not dumping bessie! Jessie.

Right, sorry.

Brooksie, I want you to be happy.

But what have I always told you?

The secret to a healthy relationship is that the other person has much more money than you.

How sad is it that I'm the one with money?

Hey, I have some money.

Oh, sweetie, that's a button.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ it feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ but they keep on pulling me every which way ♪ ♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ my whole world is changing turning around ♪ ♪ they got me going crazy yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪ ♪ but they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪ ♪ and I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪ ♪ hey Jessie ♪ ♪ hey Jessie ♪ ♪ it feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

So, Brooks is tapped out and desperate for a job.

Are there any openings in the building?

Maybe. What are your qualifications?

Well, I can race cars, horses, boats.

Also, I'm an amazing squash partner.

Whoa.

How big are the things you're squashing that it takes two people?

(Elevator dings)

Oh, hey, maybe Brooks could be the elevator operator?

We haven't had one since Vince fell asleep on the job and got his head caught between the doors.

It's possible, but first, stretch here has to get through the interview process.

Step into my office.

(Clears throat)

Now, have you ever been in an elevator?

Yes.

Did you get to the floor you wanted to?

Almost always.

Good enough for me! You're hired!

Oh, congratulations, babe!

Things are finally looking up.

Or should I say, "going up?"

Because you'll be saying, "going up?"

Whatevs. That is some classic elevator humor.

Ravi, why did you stay after school to talk to the teacher?

You know you don't have to speak to them after class.

Yeah, once I hear that bell, I leave a Zuri-sized hole in the wall.

My teacher was upset because I forgot to do my history report.

(All gasp)

Gasp indeed.

Why on earth didn't you do your homework?

Because I was too busy doing all of your work!

Ravi, excuses are like 40-foot yachts.

Everyone has one!

Hey, you know what would make you feel better?

Doing my math homework.

And filling out my state capitals worksheet.

Is there no end to your temerity?

That depends on what temerity is.

(Grunts)

Great.

How am I supposed to know the capital of Alaska?

Juneau?

No, I don't know!

That's why I need Ravi!

Try to keep up.

So the best job you can get was elevator operator?

Remind me not to go to Harvard.

Don't worry.

(Elevator dings)

Tony, doesn't it bother you that Brooks is dating Jessie?

Not really. Jessie and I are just friends.

No, you're soul mates.

You never should have let her go.

Guys, that's sweet, but you're wrong.

No, we're right!

Yeah. Outside of school, we're right a lot.

Both: School!

So, how's the new job going?

Good. You know what they say, another day, another $10,000.

(Laughs) You are in for a rude awakening on payday.

I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you've done for me. Mmm.

I think the worst is behind us.

(Elevator dings)

Yuck!

Or in front of us.

Brooksie? Going up, mother?

Yes, unlike you. I can't believe you've sunk so low.

Well, if you hadn't taken away all his money, he wouldn't need this job.

I had to sell more stuff just to pay for lunch yesterday.

As we speak, my monogrammed towels are drying someone else's butt!

Lucky for Bertram, both of your initials are "b. W."

Half of me is revolted, the other half is intrigued.

Well, all of me is weirded out.

Brooksie, what would my friends say if they knew my son was an elevator jockey?

They'd say, "for the last time, rhoda, we don't like you.

"Now get out of our house before we call the cops!"

I'm taking the stairs.

Tony, carry me up!

And remember my rule, pinching is allowed.

(Laughing)

I know. I still have bruises from when I carried you to the cab.

Oh!

Are you comfortable? Not really, but the view is fantastic.

I wish I could say the same.

Hello, you big scrub muffin.

(Groans)

Watching someone clean can be so exciting.

Your last husband must've agreed, considering he ran off with the housekeeper.

Oh, bertie, you're so delectably clever.

Not clever enough to lock the door.

I'm here because I need you to help me split up brooksie and that babysitting baboon.

Give me one good reason why I should help you.

Because if you don't, I'll tell Morgan and Christina that you rent out their helicopter for aerial tours of Manhattan.

Where they often pass your army of flying monkeys.

(Chuckles)

So, what do you want from me?

Dirt.

I'm the Butler here. There's dirt everywhere. Help yourself.

I meant on Jessie!

I need some tawdry tidbit that will make my brooksie bolt.

Hmm, let me think.

Oh, I know!

She likes to raid the fridge at midnight, and gorge herself on decadent imported cheeses from a secret compartment that only I know about.

(Chuckles) Oh, wait, that's me.

Focus, sweet cheeks!

Think high tech.

Read her email, analyze her browser.

Ooh, maybe you could hide a camera in her room.

Luke's been trying that for three years.

She always finds them.

Hi, Ravi.

What you watching?

The bollywood channel.

A four-hour remake of snakes on a plane.

They are wicked, dangerous and refuse to be charmed.

How about instead of watching an awful movie, we play a quiz game?

Ooh, fun!

I am a bit of a quiz wiz.

(Laughing) He said wiz.

Okay.

Question one, this native American helped the pilgrims celebrate the first Thanksgiving.

The correct answer is squanto.

Easy.

Thank you.

Question two. Three-fifths times one-third equals...

Three-fifteenths, reduced to one fifth, obviously.

(Chuckles) This game should come with a teething ring.

(Chuckles)

Okay, here's a tougher one.

Use this word in a sentence, "incongruous."

Very well.

I find it incongruous that you are all pretending to cheer me up, just to exploit my brain yet again!

Can you slow down? I didn't get all that.

All I am to you people is a beast of academic burden!

Is my IQ the only reason you hang out with me?

Absolutely not!

We also hang out with you because you live here.

That is it!

I am done doing your homework, and I am done with all of you.

Wow, he was really incongruous.

I am so going to fail this test.

Wow, you're really hungry.

When you get to the white thing, stop.

It's the plate.

Sorry, I haven't had any money to buy food today.

Your Butler really low-balled me on my towels.

Well, you have been rich for 25 years, so it must be extra tough making ends meet.

Mmm, speaking of meat, do you have any in there?

Because I am this close to hunting squirrels.

(In New York accent) Forget about it.

New York squirrels are tough.

Before you know it, you'll be their lunch.

(In normal accent) Oh, besides, I brought you this.

(Chuckles) Just pace yourself.

Thanks.

(Sighs) So, do you really miss working at the animal sanctuary?

Actually, yeah.

We just saved an endangered fanged toad that spits acid.

Oh. You know, some things are better off extinct.

No, you would love Fernando.

He's one of a kind. Literally.

(Sighs) This is all my fault.

Because of me, you lost your mother, your money, and your deadly Spanish toad.

No, it's not your fault.

It's my mother's.

And anyway, you're worth it.

Jessie, I love you.

(Chuckles) Oh, Brooks, I love you too.

I just want you to be as happy as you've made me.

And I will be, once I get used to this new job.

Well, that's the elevator biz for ya.

Full of ups and downs.

Seriously, you're gonna have to learn to appreciate this kind of humor. Okay.

(Playing slow tune)

Oh, uh, here.

(Coughs) Got that for you.

(Alarm blaring)

Hey, Tony. Aw, Brooks, you didn't have to get me flowers.

Sorry, bro. These are for Jessie.

She's so awesome!

Seriously, I don't know how you ever let her go.

Yeah, I've been getting that a lot lately.

From you, Emma, Zuri, my ballet teacher.

What? Can't a guy have a hobby?

And how can you afford such beautiful flowers on your salary?

(Elevator dings)

(Chuckles) They're free, at the cemetery.

(Elevator dings)

Hi, Tony. Hey, girls.

You were right.

You have to be more specific. We're right a lot.

I mean about Jessie.

I think I might still have feelings for her.

Well, duh!

Everyone knows that.

Even the weird shut-in on the sixth floor.

She texts.

So, what should I do?

Tell Jessie how you feel!

It might be too late.

I think she's totally in love with Brooks.

But you can't let her end up with him.

He's just a pretty boy with great hair and a uniform!

Hey, you just described me!

What can I say? The woman has a type.

Ah-ha!

(Screams)

(Grunts)

(Panting)

Were you following me?

No.

(Grunting)

Don't lie. My dad trained me in counterintelligence.

Although, considering it's you who's tailing me, there's not a lot of intelligence to counter.

Rhoda made me do it.

She threatened to tell Morgan and Christina about the helicopter tours.

The what? Okay, fine, I'll cut you in!

Just give me some dirt to get that crone off my back.

Wait, she wants dirt on me? Why?

To show Brooks, so he'll break up with you.

(Scoffs) That is so low!

I can't believe she would stoop to enlisting a spy in my own home.

You can't? This is the same woman who wanted to keep children out of the building, unless they were declawed.

I mean, I thought for sure she'd eventually let Brooks have his old life back.

He's her own flesh and blood, or whatever she's made of.

That woman will stop at nothing to get what she wants.

And that includes tickling.

(Shudders)

So who cares? You guys are so happy and in love, and Brooks seems okay with his new life, right?

Yeah, for now.

But what about in a year, five years, 10 years?

I mean, he... He's just gonna end up resenting me.

I can't let that happen.

So, what are you saying?

I'm saying I have to love him enough to let him go.

It's the best thing for him, and Fernando.

He's got a kid?

No, he's got a toad!

Well, the good news is, I think she forgot about the helicopter thing.

Hello, bertie.

Dessert's here.

And there goes my appetite.

So, do you have anything juicy for me? Besides all that.

Actually, there is something I dug up that you're going to want to see.

(Screams)

My birth nose!

Where did you find this?

My plastic surgery records are sealed!

I know, because I put them in a weighted sack and tossed them into the Hudson!

Along with my plastic surgeon.

I called in a few favors.

The Butler underground is everywhere.

And that picture is going to be plastered all over the building if you don't leave Jessie and Brooks alone.

How could you betray me like this?

Because Jessie is like family to me.

And families stick together.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I know what's best for my son, which is why I left him penniless!

Which only showed him that Jessie loves him for who he is, and not what he has.

If anything, you brought them closer together.

(Chuckles)

How revolting!

Rhoda, did you ever stop and think that maybe there is a reason why you've had six different husbands?

Could it be that you've always married for money and never for love?

I'll have you know I always married for love.

The love of money!

Maybe that's why you can't recognize true love when you see it.

How can you just sit there, stone-faced?

It's easy after five gallons of Botox.

Luke: Ravi, get in here quick!

It's an emergency!

Luke, for the billionth time, losing the remote is not an emergency.

All: Surprise!

(Laughing)

You guys, you did all of this for me?

Of course!

It's Ravi appreciation day.

Oh, that is why you wrote "r. A.D."

I was afraid you were mocking my use of antiquated slang.

Which would have been a stone-cold bummer.

Oh, and you haven't seen the best part.

For once, we did your homework.

You completed my history report?

Uh, but it is too late. No, it isn't.

I gave your teacher a gently used tiara, and she agreed to give you an extension.

Luke: Dude, we didn't mean to take you for granted.

Yeah, we love you.

And we're sorry if we don't tell you that enough.

Thank you. You guys are the best siblings ever. (Chuckles)

Aww.

And we're going to start doing our own homework from now on, because you're not our personal homework machine.

Although, if you did wanna invent one of those, we'd be cool with that.

Brooks, I want you to know I have had the most amazing few months with you.

Every minute you've been in my life has been incredible.

Which is why it's so difficult say this.

Jessie, I love you.

Whatever it is, we can get through it together.

(Clicks tongue) Brooks, I love you too.

Which is why I need to do this.

We need to break...

(Elevator dings)

Okay, you two, we need to talk.

Where's an acid-spitting toad when you need one?

I came to apol... (Grunts)

Apologi... (Groans)

I came to say I'm sorry.

Brooksie, I'm giving you your money back, as well as your job as head of the animal sanctuary.

You are? I can't wait to tell Fernando!

Is this a trap? It feels like a trap.

No. After talking with that beefcake of a Butler, I realized that Jessie might be the one woman in the world who cares about you as much as I do.

And I want you to be happy.

Oh. Wait, did...

Did you just call me "Jessie," as in my actual name?

You like me. (Shrieks) Bring it in!

Oh.

(Shrieks)

Oh, you really wanna hug me, don't you?

I do.

Very well. Then you may bring it in.

Ohh...

(Chuckles) Thank you, mother.

Your blessing means more to me than the money.

But the money's pretty great too.

(Chuckles) So, Jessie... Mmm.

What was it you needed to tell me?

You said we needed to break... Uh, yeah. Yes.

We need to break dance together.

(Beat boxing) Right?

Oh. That's why you were so upset, because you're a terrible break dancer.

Don't worry, honey, we're gonna get you the best lessons money can buy.

I honestly don't know what you see in her.

Hey, Tony.

Wasn't it a beautiful day?

Not for me. I had to carry Mrs. Chesterfield to the cleaners.

(Elevator dings)

(Chuckles)

Uh, Tony, I wanted to thank you again for helping out Brooks.

I know it must've been weird.

You know, my ex-boyfriend helping out my current boyfriend.

No problem. Weird requests are my specialty.

Ah...

I once had to shave the alpaca in 5b.

Well, that explains why you gave everyone mittens for Christmas.

Um...

So, um, looks like you and Brooks are getting pretty serious.

Yeah. Yeah, we are.

Look, Jessie, I've been thinking a lot about you lately.

And I have to tell you something before it's too late.

Um...

Jessie, I still... (Elevator dings)

Jessie: Whoa.

Brooks?

Jessie, there is something I need to ask you.

All right.

But my heart is beating so loud, you're gonna have to really speak up.

You are the most amazing girl I have ever met.

You love me for myself, you make me a better person, you make me happy.

Okay, this is usually followed by a "but."

No buts.

I realize now that there will never be a more perfect girl for me.

And since I am lucky enough to have found the girl of my dreams, I see no reason to wait.

(Nervous chuckles)

Wow.

Is that a diamond ring or a disco ball? (Chuckles)

Jessie Prescott, will you make me the happiest man in the whole world, and marry me?

Hey, guys!

Come check this out!

Luke, what is this contraption?

Well, since you didn't invent a homework machine, I did.

All you have to do is put in a quarter.

What is the capital of Norway?

Norway city!

(Chuckles) Both: Ooh!

Oi!

The capital of Norway is oslo!

I am surprised you people can tie your shoes without a diagram.

Stupid machine!

Bertram: Ow!

That's it. I'm out of here.

(Grunting)

(All laughing)

Now that was worth a quarter!

(All laughing)