Happy, Texas

Hey. Why did the armadillo cross the road? Why? It didn't. See. Can't someone else be on bag for a while? Excuse me. Wanna be the bag guy? Did I say you could speak to me? Oh, sorry. When you move up to committing real crimes... then you can speak to the men. Put it in the bag. Hey, wait. Are you gonna just stand there like some coward... and let him talk to you like that? Hey, goat boy. The same goes for you. Now you two damn amateurs stay in your own yard... or else I'll chain you there. Goat boy? Oh, you gonna get you some now, boy. Well, then the light is green. Guard! I have stood upon the mountain I have seen the other side As soon as we get you boys back to lockup, this is gonna mean... a week in the hole for each of you. Goat boy you fight like a girl. Seen my love forsaken Felt the pleasure and the pain The light is green. No, no, no! Knock it off, goddam it! I have cried in tears of sadness I have cried in tears of joy I have found a life worth livin' From the peace within the noise I have turned my back on hatred lyin', prejudice and greed Found the future in the present Found hope within a seed Hey. Hey, hey, hey, where you goin'? Hey, if you're escapin' give us the keys! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! We don't need keys! I don't even know him. This ain't adios. It's just goodbye. God! Gotta get outta here. Hey, I don't even know who you are. Harry Sawyer. Wayne Wayne Wayne Junior. Hi. Hi. Now we have three... count my fingers... three runnin'. First, a man who likes to steal cars. Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr. Next, Harry Sawyer. Fraud, credit card scam. Finally... the reason why we're all here today boys and girls... Bob Maslow. Bob Maslow is a bad man. Let's get the guy before he kills somebody else. Get anything but it has to be nonfat. Well, this is nonfat. Don't worry about it. What about this? Look it. You know, we don't owe these people a damn thing. I know. I know. I'm not happy either, David. Peas or corn? Peas. If I have to listen to one more of those little monsters butcher "Tomorrow..." I may end up doing something very violent. That is exactly what I'm talking about. Now I say we dump Happy. Not that. Well, we can't dump Happy. That reminds me. We need some toilet paper. No, not that, the other one. Okay, stop snapping at me. It's softer. I am on your side. Let's just drop... I am not the enemy. Listen to me for a second. Let's just junk that crappy apartment on wheels... I want this. And quit this whole stupid business. I want a real life again, you know? A little fun. You remember that word "fun"? Yes, I do remember fun, Peter. I want our old life back. You need to get a new attitude is what you need. I think that she may have overcharged us. She did not. If you would have brought the coupons maybe we could have saved some money. No, some of this stuff is not right. Oh, my God. David. It's gone. Somebody stole our crappy camper. We gotta go call the police. No, listen to me a second. Steven, if we call the police we'll just get it back. What? But if we wait a couple of weeks... call the insurance company, we can cash in on the modern American dream. Yes! Yes! Yes! Can we go to Maui? Yes! Trust me, it's perfection. Dual tanks on this baby. Even on back roads, it's more than enough. Let's get out of Texas. Go, Daddy, go! A prison break today at the Jim Hogg County Correctional Facility... has brought out law enforcement agencies in four states. The three fugitives, including convicted murderer Robert Alan Maslow... escaped from their prison van while being transported to the facility. Authorities are advising motorists not to pick up hitchhikers... and to use caution at all rest stops. The big prisons are leaking like a macram diaphragm. Texas finest are in full manhunt mode. Shoot, manhunt mode. Sounds like a full weekend for you and your pals. Oh, you. Hey, you folks, keep an eye out for three orangejumpsuits... unless until the marshal gets those fellas back in the pokey. Hey, comin'up next another Hollywood actor is in rehab. And the state's largest tomato gets auctioned off for charity. Well, I guess we better turn around. So what you're saying is north is there, right? Well, a little bit. Yep. Yep. Unless I turn the map this way. That is so much better. Come on. Ow! Yeah, I almost got it. Come on. I almost got it. It's the cops. It's the cops. Come on, let's get outta here. Pop who? Shit. Hi. Must be my lucky day. Lotta folks lookin' for you. Hey. Oh, my! Yeah, we're on our way in, but you better get your tow truck out there. Over. Oh, no. I've heard about this before. Vigilante justice. We're screwed. They're gonna hang us. No. Yeah, they are. Shut up. Oh, my God. Okay, sell me. What, you want... you want me to speak? All we wanna know is if you were offered one instead of two... would you take it? We... We can do one easy. I know this is not what you were expecting, but... I've always found these things to be negotiable. You wanna negotiate? Now hold on. If it's all the same with you, Judge we'd rather get less. Much less. Now we're gettin' somewhere. Now stop right there. I didn't bring them in so you could give them less than minimum. These fellas are professionals. They should get what they deserve. Damn cop. We'll take one, Your Honour. Sold American. Let the record show that they've agreed to one thousand. Put in the time and date it. One thousand? Yes. Thousand what? Which one of you is Steven and which one is David? What? Oh, for Christ's sakes. Which one of you is Steven and which of you fellas is David? I'm Steven, and this is... The other... The other one. Well, Steven, we're talking about $ 1000 here, which you've just agreed to. Two thousand is highway robbery and you know it. Now, if we're done here, you go to see Joe at the bank in the morning. You can sign for your money then. Welcome to Happy. There must be something here with our names on it. Midget clothes. We're midgets. We're not midgets. No. Maybe whoever owned this had kids. Circus kids. What about this? Hey. Maybe we're tailors. We travel from town to town... tailoring dresses for... circus midgets. Travelling midget tailors. Yeah, you think? No. "Pageant World. A magazine for the pageant and talent industry." Heavy reading. What is this? Oh, my. Whoo! Legs that wrap around you twice. Yeah. "Princess pageants at pauper prices. Dreams come true and we come to you. Trust Steven and David the pageant professionals." We put on beauty pageants. You mean, we drive around in this thing here... And slide hot bodies into tight dresses. I can do that. Hey, it's photos. Hey. Yeah. Here we are in front of the motor home. Uh huh. So we're gay. How hard can that be? It might not be hard for you Rock Hudson... but I have got heterosexual... What? Not gay written all over me. It's business. It's for the money. I don't wanna be gay. I'm not asking for the world here. I'm not asking you to act civil. Just... Just walk into the bank and co sign for a thousand dollars. A thousand dollars. Do you really need a new tractor or do you just want one? All right. Now, can I have your account number with the bank? Hi. Uh, can I help you? Yeah, sweetheart... we got some confidential business with the bank's president. Oh, oh, you must be the pageant people. Yeah. We're here to collect the thousand dollars. Oh, I I think that's half half a thousand. No, no, all of it. You wanna go fetch the pants around here? We prefer to deal with Joe. Nothing personal. Joe. Josephine McClintock. Howdy. How y'all doin'? Folks round here call me Joe after my dad. He died quite sometime ago, so he's gonna be kinda hard for me to fetch. And I know that I'm just a girl and everything, but I do believe... that the agreement was 500 up front and five upon completion. Aren't we the assholes? Fifty, four hundred. Fifty and fifty makes five hundred. Here you go. You're both gonna need to sign here as proof of receipt, okay? Hey, Ely, what are you doing out here this early? I got him. Hey, Joe. Uh, the boys at the court give me a $20000 advance on the truck. Mm hmm. I'll have that in fives and twenties. Oh, come on, Ely. You know I don't have that kind of money round here till harvest day. Why don't you leave this here with me for the next two weeks? I'll pay you better interest than that mattress of yours. After harvest day, I can cash any cheque you like. Hmm? Well, could you let me have three dollars for lunch, then? Well, I'll need to see some I. D. Well, here. No, no, Ely. That was a joke. Oh. Bye bye. Bye. All right, thank you. So, Joe, you cash a lot of $20000 cheques around here? Why, you got one that needs to be cashed? Not on me. Why, it's bad luck. Well, uh, it was... it was real interesting meeting you both. Yeah, see ya. Yeah, very nice meeting you. Oh. Bye. Okay. Nice. Fan frickin' tastic. Let's find us some wheels and get outta Dodge. Are you thinking again? 'Cause you could think on the road, you know. We're not goin'. What? We're stayin'. We're not goin'. We? What, you grow another face? 'Cause I'm outta here. Remember my half now, 250. Give it over. Oh, this one's sweet. Would you just stop and think? Two fifty. It's plenty enough for me to get outta here. How far? Right now every law enforcement officer in the southwest is looking for you... but no one is looking for a cake eating... pageant producing, midget tailoring gay couple in Happy, Texas. Wait for the heat to cool down. Stay here two weeks. Then we take the bank down and travel in style, right? When did people in small towns start lockin' their doors? God. All right. What about the RV? I mean, somebody's gonna come looking for that. Worries we don't have yet. If it gets hot, we just grab a car and get gone, right? All right. Let's say I go along with this. I mean, you're kind of a wuss. You've been right so far. What do you need me for? Two man job, Wayne. I need a partner. Oh, uh, mornin'. Howdy. Glad I found y'all. L I looked at your place. What can we do for you? They're waitin'. They're waiting? The girls. Oh, the girls. They started without you. I told them I'd round y'all up. Girls are waiting. Yeah, the girls. Hardly sit down they're so excited to meet you two. I've often said to David "David" I've said... "nothing starts the day off like an excited girl." Yep. And I've often said... "Right." Well, let's giddap. And ball change and sugar. And ball change. Now we do a loop kick. Now, normally I like to be on the glamour end of a partnership but you've got a real way with people. I've seen it. So, to use your talents in the best way possible... I'm willing to take the burden and responsibility for the bank. Yours will be this... Sheena, give me some sugar. Pageant thing. Or how about this? You bite me. Why can't I do the bank? Why do I got to do the kids? Wanna know what I was doing time for? Sorry. Good mornin'. Well, I'd like to welcome you both to Happy. I'm Miss Schaefer. Good morning, Miss Schaefer. I'm Steven. I'm the other one. David. David. Hi. Well... we're just so very excited y'all being here and all. We're convinced with your expertise we can finally qualify this year. I'm afraid I've been doing the Little Fresh Squeezed Pageants for eight years now. No qualifiers yet. Last couple of years even the parents stopped comin'... which is a disappointment. But we're hostin' the event this year. What, with 13 towns and nearly 100 girls competing, well... Well, you did the right thing calling us in, because David here is... what we call in the business... a pageant master. Really? And there are only four of those in the whole United States. My, my. So, what I'd like to do... is to leave you in his capable hands and let him work his magic... All right. While I tend to our business affairs. Steven, you don't have to go so soon. Yes, I do, David. No, you don't, Steven. Yes, I do, darling. He hates it when we're apart. Oh. Pleasure to meet you, Miss Schaefer. Nice meeting you. See ya. Well. Would you like to meet the girls? I said don't point at me! Stop it! No! Stop it! You mind if I just stand here for a minute? Shake, shake. You do it with your booty. You don't have to be nervous about the girls. They're fine with uh, you know. What? About you being a homosexual. Oh, yeah. Now, everyone, I want you to say hi to David. Hi, David! Hi. Your booklet requested a piano. Perhaps you'd like to let the girls vocalize. Great. That's too high. Old Dan Tucker was a fine old man Washed his face in a frying pan Combed his hair with a wagon wheel Died with a toothache in his heel Way out west Go out west Old Dan... Kickin'around Way out west, Old Dan Tucker Old Dan Tucker. Was that that hard? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello. Hello to you. Jesus. Thought I was going to have to stop a bank robbery. You really scared me. Last man in that safe... who didn't work here my daddy shot in his tracks. I understand that's the most painful place to be shot in. So, uh, what are you doing back there? L I couldn't find anybody. I call out. The safe was open. Could have been soundproof. I'm gonna have to start beefing up security around here. Pistol whip him, Chappy. Give him a little knick knack paddy whack. He's one of those pageant fellas. Oh. Oh! Oh, Joe, ask him about the trees. The trees? Yeah, you are looking at the pageant's decoration committee. Yeah, we've been out shopping for decorations. We, uh... we sort of decided on orange trees and twinkle lights. I mean, if... if that's all right with you. Twinkle lights sounds great. Um, well, so was there something that you needed? No. I just wanted to make sure the decorations were taken care of. And things look great here, so, uh... So I better go check on Wayne. Uh, Wayne Newton. Oh. Music for the dance numbers. Oh. Okay. Gotta go. Okay. Well, I'll see ya. Bye. Not how I pictured him at all. They're crafty that way. Mm hmm. I mean, he's cute in a sort of zestfully clean kind of way. But I like my men a little dirty and packin' heat. Hmm, Chappy? L I best bring the rest of it up. All right. I got it. I got it. All right. Thank you. I thought they were gay. They are. Oh, I don't know much but I know men. And he was looking at you the way a fat man looks at fried food. Sixty four bottles of beer on the wall Sixty four bottles of beer You take one down, pass it around Sixty four bottles of beer on the wall No, goddam it. They're keeping us totally in the dark here. Yeah, I got my tactical display here. Mm hmm. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on in here. Come on. Save me a trip. Hold. Hold. Let me get a pad of paper here. Hold on. Look at that. What do you think of that? Okay, give it to me. Wasn't my idea to escape. Hold on one second. It was a fight between Wayne and Bob. Hey, can I finish this phone call please? Thank you. Go ahead. Send it to me. No, don't fax it to me. Goddam it that's what I've been tellin' ya. It's... It's all mushy. I can't make heads or tails out of it. Bring it to me, you bet. That'd be fine. Tomorrow? Fine. I'll keep an eye out for you. Oh. I was gonna find you. The boys at the garage... your RV there... basically a piece of crap. Sorry. So how are you? Better all the time. Mexican authorities have been brought into the search... for the three men who escaped from a prison van yesterday. Police now think the three may have crossed the border into Mexico... so the manhunt is being concentrated along the Rio Grande Valley. You won't believe what just happened to me. Thank goodness for small town sheriffs. The guy's holding my mug shot in his hand. Next thing I know, we're drinking a beer and talking about... If you ever leave me with a kid again... I will make sure that you never have one! You have no idea what it is like to have these screamin'... little booger eaters lookin' up at you... expectin' you to... know stuff. An ordinary love comes in a plain brown wrapper Why can't we do the bank now? Because right now that bank... is just an ugly stepsister to when the harvest money comes in, that's why. I don't care whose sister's at the bank. I can't go back in there and play the fool. All right. I agree. All right? Don't. That's just the price That life imposes on a heart An ordinary heart We gotta get the girls into the pageant. It's the answer to keeping the whole town busy on bank day. It's the best of all possible diversions. It's our alibi. We can't rob a bank if we're hosting a beauty pageant, can we? No. Wayne. Come on, Wayne. Solitary... Iousy food big men with bad breath. Or we're rich... great beaches... foreign women with large breasts. I'm gonna pick that one. All right. All right. Sold American. All right. To pull it off, this needs to be more of a partnership. All right. Thank you, guys. Yeah. Hello? Sheriff? Anybody here? Hello? Sheriff Dent? Gimme that gasoline, Jency! I promise you I'm gonna let you do your flaming baton trick later. Sissies, sissies Pageant sissies David, do you want to help me with something? Right. I wanna get him! No! Let go of me, you homo! You come anywhere near these girls again, I won't say nothin'. I'm just gonna come over to your house late at night when you're asleep... and kill you with a chain saw. Cool. You got no room to talk, lady. Don't you ever let me catch you fight like that again. And don't ever drop your lead shoulder when you throw a punch. You think shoulder to face when you hit. Shoulder to face. Sure you're okay? Yeah. Do you smoke? No, thanks. Man, I've never seen Miss Schaefer that mad before. She was mad? I think she was expecting... m more from this whole thing. She's been talking about all this great stuff you were going to teach us. And, well, so far, nothin'. All right, goddam it! Shut your yappers! Get your diapered butts in line! Get over here! Over here! Now, we got work to do! Cool! All right, this might look hard at first. All right. Head back! Oh, my God. One, two, three, four! Go! Okay! It's a tornado! It's a tornado... goin' through the small town! Whippin' around. Watch it. Make it go. Winds of fury! Giddap! Go! Go! Okay. All right. Let's get started. Girls, would you like to try to follow what he did? Going once. Going twice. Sold! $350 for this nice Mako gas range over here. Cute butt, sexy eyes Tall and dark I know what I like Heart of gold Brain to match Ain't gonna settle for less than that Next up here we have a wonderful item. This is a classic. It's antique. It's a Ming vase. It's a Ming vase? It's a Wyo ming vase. I brought it in from Wyoming, but it's a nice one. There's a little crack in the back but you can fix that up. How about we start this at $ 100? A $ 100 bid. A hundred dollars, anybody? A hundred. How about this outstanding picture here? A man sitting on a tractor. I don't believe it's a John Deere... but his wife probably calls him John Dear. Right now our next lot is lot 24. It's a collection of tyres. You all know Varnel's affection for tyres. It's unnatural. There's a lot of good rubber in these tyres and there's some steel belteds in there. We'll start the bidding at, uh... at 200. Two hundred, two hundred. Give me three. Lookin' for three. Three hundred dollar bid, dollar bid. Three hundred dollars. Lookin'... Hi. Am I glad to see you. I thought I was gonna die. Dollar bid, dollar bid over here. We got a $400 bid. Hey, Varnel what are you biddin' on? Joe, that's a hell of a price. But, Varnel, those are your tyres. Judge, don't let him buy those tyres. Sorry, Varnel. Okay, we'll continue bidding here. Are you always taking care of everyone? You know what they say about small towns... like big families, no secrets. Which is, um, sort of why I wanted to, uh, talk to you. Uh, I need some advice. You can trust me. This is a little hard, um... but I feel that I can talk to you because you're, um... because you're sort of... Because I'm an outsider? You are. Yes, you are but that's not it. Because I'm handsome? No. I mean, you're very handsome, I think um, but that's not really what I'm, uh... Okay. Because I'm a man? Yes. And no. I sort of feel like I can talk to you like a girlfriend. You know what I mean? That's a first. I mean it in a good way. I mean I haven't had a girlfriend in a really long time. Me either. That's funny. Hilarious. I couldn't help but notice that... you seemed to have kept a certain amount of... passion in your relationship. With David? Passion? Yeah. I, uh... I guess I work hard to keep that in my life. See, relationships for me have all just been a little bit fuzzy. I mean, the difference between what is good and what is settling... has... has always been a real problem for me. So I'm just lookin' for anything that would help. You know what I mean? Um, a tip or a magic spell. For a relationship that you're in? Yeah. Oh. And this guy, uh... It is a guy, right? Yes, it's a guy. Of course it's a guy. Good. Guys are easy. I mean, all they want is... The bank. The bank! The bank? Sugar, stop cryin'. It's all right. It's just an accident. Everybody all right? Here's your baton, Jency. I'm sorry it melted. It's out! The fire is out! All you people go home! No, no, no. Lefty loosey, righty tighty. And will somebody turn off the damned alarm? Man, I always get scared when I hear that old tornado siren. You thought a tornado hit the bank? No, no, the bank's alarm fire department and public safety... are all tied into the same system. My heart is goin' a mile a minute. Girl, you need to relax. Yeah, well, I'm open to suggestions. Why don't you let me give the girlfriend role a try? Help you out with the decorations. Okay. Why don't you come by tomorrow then? David may I have a word with you, please? Now, most times I don't like to have to say anything... about what people say or what they do. But I will not stand by and allow you... to use vulgar language like the GD word in front of those little girls. I will not let that happen. Do you understand me? I wish you wouldn't talk to me like that. Well, I'm sorry, David but it had to be said. I'm sorry. Hi, Miss Schaefer. Would you mind if I borrow David for one second? No. It's the end times. What the hell are you trying to do? About what? Fry a bunch of little girls? Need I remind you... Need I remind you that those girls are our meal ticket here? What did you do that for? Don't talk to me like that. Okay. God. My mistake. Everything, uh, copacetic with your companion there? Yeah. We're more like just friends now. Yeah, it seems friendly. Yeah, in many ways, we just stick together 'cause of the job. Your, uh... your work's awful important to you. Sure. I gotta go. Yeah, hold... hold on there. Hold on. I was thinkin'... Something occurred to me. If you got the time, I'd like to ask you some questions... about you and your... your friend there. You mind comin' over to my office? Could I do it another time? Be better for me. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Well, I'm not superstitious but when she was passin'by How's it goin'? You know what they say. What are they sayin' now? Well, you know. Measure twice, cut once. You? How are you doing? Good. I'm almost finished with my masterpiece. I call it "Family Tree." I think I may have just found my true calling. How are you doin'? You almost done with the tree trunks? We need 'em. Be right there. So, tell me about this man of yours. Uh, his name is Glen. Uh huh. Where's Glen now? He's in Van Horne. He stops by every once in a while for dinner and breakfast. A few late night phone calls. It's a very modern relationship. Yeah, we've been together six years next month. Six years of what? Breakfast and phone calls? Sounds kind of convenient. Doesn't sound very... very permanent. Well, I can wait. What for? You know, you're in your twenties and everything's gonna happen "someday." And then you get a little past your twenties... and "someday" is happening or has happened. Your dad dies and you go from being Josephine to Joe... president of the bank. And everybody starts dependin' on ya. Your love life sort of takes a back seat. You start to realize that maybe... maybe your... maybe your ultimate dreams are just unattainable. I don't know. I guess I'm still waitin' for "someday." Well, on the plus side, he does do somethin' every once in a while... that feels worth waitin' for. What's that? He tells me that he loves me. Aw, come on. "Love you" is easy. Men say it all the time. Men say they love their work. Love their cars love their... Love their freedom. He should tell you something more than that. Like what? He should take you in his arms look you straight in your eyes. He should say... I don't know. He should say "I may have seen a woman in my life... "who is considered prettier... "but I've never seen one more beautiful. "When you laugh and your eyes are happy, I think... "I think no matter what... I'm a success." He should say, "I want you." Yeah. "I want you, Joe. "You'll never be second to anything else because I want you more than anything else. "I wanna kiss you. I wanna breathe in the air out of you." Right. Like some straight guy's ever gonna say that. Oh, my God. Ooh, man, you are good. You know that? You are really, really good. Well, a man in love is a man in love. Yeah. You know, it makes him say the strangest things. Come on. Finish the trees. Yeah, the trees. Let's go. Well, I better... I, uh... I better go wash this off so we can... move on to gettin' covered in tree trunk brown, yep. Oh, excuse me. Don't move. Gotcha. Bang. There's one less bunny rabbit that'll be bothering you. Damn rodents. Chewing up everything in sight. You know they breed like rabbits. Yeah, I heard. Sheriff, why are we out here? Let me choose the right words here. Uh... Ever since you and David come to town... I've been thinking "What's wrong with this picture?" There's one. You want him? No. Whoop. There he goes. Oh, there, he's got two. Thank you. Truth to tell, I invited you out here because I need some advice. Sure, if I can help. I'm just a crusty old redneck and I don't express myself well. And recently there's someone that I would... Iove to express myself to. Why, Sheriff. You've got a crush on some sweet thing. That's great. There comes a time in a... in a man's life... when he must be bold. Sure. I've learnt that you've gotta say what's in your heart. Life is short. To let the chance pass you by of spending it with someone you love... that's a sin a real sin. Here we go. You want this one? You take him. Bring it up nice and slow. Easy, easy, easy. You got the safety off there? Is it tight against your shoulder? Keep it tight. Nice and tight. That's good. You're good. Yeah. I guess like... like everybody else I'm scared of bein'... you know, rejected. Well, there's no way, man. You're a real catch. You're a man's man. You're a nice guy. You got your health. And everybody knows what a turn on that uniform is. Just bring it up tight into your shoulder there. You're gonna just squeeze it. Don't jerk it. Just squeeze it. Look right down the barrel. Keep both your eyes open. You mean all that stuff that you said? If you were gay... you'd be just my type. Pop him. Jiminy crickets. Are... Are you all right? Yeah. Yeah. Did I get it? Uh, I don't think there's any danger of that. Are you sure you're all right? Yeah, I'm fine. I think you're mighty handsome. I'd never split up another couple. But now that I see that you and David aren't together any more... well, that's a cat of a different colour. So... bein' bold here... what do you say you and me go out on a proper date? Two Cokes. And left, and left. Like an aeroplane. 'Cause I got my weight in my hip. Weight in my hip. Weight in the hip. And left, and... Put it up! Punch it! Punch! And come on! Shh! That way. All right. You do it. Yeah! Put it up here. Doing the swan head. Face me, though. Good. All right. Let's go inside and show the others. That's pretty much my story. Up to high school, anyway. Lucky we had the 21/2 hour drive to get here. It's just that I've heard about this place for so long... I figure this is a good time... Do you believe in love at first sight Tell you what. I'll get us a couple of beers. You can tell me about yourself. I'm glad that we agreed believe me That's a big relief This place is awful crowded and this music is so loud Would you like to go and grab a bite to eat Me neither Whoa, whoa, hold on there. God knows when we're gonna see you again. Uh, we need two more Tecates. Each? At least. There ya go. And, uh, give me the meanest steak you got. Rare, and I mean rare. Just dehorn it, wipe its butt and send it in. Steven? Two. There you go. Well, first things first. I'm glad you're here. I wish you'd start callin' me Chappy. Chappy. There you go. Got me a room in a cheap motel My head was spinnin' and I didn't feel well Hope you'll understand if we take this very slow. Oh, I wouldn't have it any other way. I fixed up my bed and I covered up my head It's just that I feel we're a lot alike. There's a lot you don't know about me. Well, that's what life's for isn't it? Findin' out. I'm gonna spin you again. No. A one, two. I turned and I tossed Love is stranger than fiction And I make this prediction Even though you say you won't I know you'll let me down Tell me I'm your heart's desire Love me long, you little liar We've got a strange love Love love How was the prom? Your date. Did you get any? Yeah, very funny. Screw you. Well, that would be... cheatin' on the sheriff. Did you do some dancin'? Why do you care? I'll tell you why I care. You don't... You don't think I know what you're doin'. Do you? What? What, goin' to the banker lady's house for popcorn and pillow talk. Goin' huntin'. What did you do? Did you go someplace nice for dinner? Did you have a few drinks? You don't think I'd like to get out some night, have a nice meal... spend one night not thinkin' about the girls? You know what I did tonight? I'll tell you what I did. I spent it right here... tryin' to figure out if... slip stitchin' or bastin' is the best way to put on a sparkly heart. Because you know what? I don't know how. Judges are gonna be here tomorrow. Madison's not gotten all the way through her song. Numbers are all over the place. Nobody can keep the beat. And I'm scared to death that Jency is gonna drop her baton... and fry like one of them Buddhist monks. There... I thought this was a partnership. You know what I don't see? I don't see no keys to the bank. Fine, Wayne, let's trade. You come pretend to be Chappy's life mate. You explain how you don't... kiss early in the relationship 'cause you're not that kind of guy. So now it's "Chappy." Yes, damn it, it's "Chappy"! We're dating! I gotta get outta here. Every time we start to have a nice talk, you gotta go. Fine. You know what? Maybe I'll just go do the bank myself. Okay, Wayne. Go. You go do it. You go do the bank. All right. First I gotta make little polka dotted flowers for the girls' hats. You're quiet today. Are you all right? Every time I think about you I am. What? You're such a surprise. What do you mean? I don't know. Just a surprise. Well, I have to get back to work. I'll clean up. Thanks. Can I see you later? It's last night in town. I can't. I'm havin' company. How about after? It's Glen, Steven. "After" will be tomorrow. Okay. Well, thanks again for lunch. I'll see ya. David, where you been? I just woke up. Where's the girls? They're inside with the judges now. So close. We're so close this year. Just once I'd like to show those people... from Pecos and Fort Davis that we are just as good as they are. Sorry. Well, I think we'll do fine. I just wanted to tell you that next year... you don't need my help 'cause you done real good. Well, thanks. Comin' from a professional like yourself, that means so much. Yep. Well... And you are, I must say you are fuckin' great! Don't mean to be rude. We still have the girls to see... over in Fort Davis this afternoon. And thanks so much for your hospitality. Everything looks very festive for tomorrow. Oh. Here... Mm hmm. Are the final instructions for the programme... and your copy of the contestant list. Are you telling me that somebody qualified? Miss Schaefer they all qualified. They all qualified! It zips! Trouble Love trouble Love trouble Love that trouble Aw, I think we can do something about that Now, I haven't had a whole lot of experience, but you're incredible. I mean, considerin' the fact that you are a homosexual. Well, that whole gay thing is just kind of a... hobby, really. I thought you had a lot of girls' names on you for a, you know... Who's Jessica? Jessica Lange. Who's Jamie? Jamie Lee Curtis... from that movie Trading Places. Who's this? That's not a tattoo. Oh, my! Three most romantic sounds in the world. Plane engine a ship's whistle... and a locomotive's horn. Somebody once said that. Or maybe it's the three loneliest sounds. I can't remember. What are you thinkin' about out here watchin' freighters go by? Goin'. I'm always thinkin' about goin'. Oh, Lordy, we sure did get to the "gettin' goin"' part quick. I got somethin' for you. Oh, Chappy, you shouldn't have. Oh, go on, now. It's for luck tomorrow. And to say thanks. Thank you for the... the gift that these last days have been. You know, I been thinkin' hell, Dallas ain't that far. My schedule's pretty flexible. Nah, we... we don't need to talk about that now. There's time for that later. Go on. Open it. It's a rabbit's foot. I made it. It's for luck. That come off the only one you hit that day. Thank you. I want you to know when you leave... I know folks around here. They'll talk about it for years. "Remember when them two fellas came for that beauty pageant?" I'll think about you. Just want to make sure you got somethin' of me with you. You want some coffee? Hang on a second. I'll be right there. I didn't mean to be rude. I just wanted to get out of that robe. So, I take it this is your "I stayed up all night" look... as opposed to your "I'll get up early and go get Josephine some breakfast" look. That bad, huh? I guess I should be flattered by your stalking. It's such a fine line between stalking and being attentive... and I was, I don't know being attentive. How's Glen? Oh. He's gone. I know. I saw him leave. No, I mean he's gone gone. Yeah. I told him it was over, and... he said, "Fine" he wasn't havin' all that much fun anyway. Very adult of him. I mean, I was at least hopin' for some tears... or a tantrum or somethin'. Well, how about that, huh? You all right? No. Which is stupid. I mean, it's not like anything he said was such a big surprise. It's just that... I had this big speech all worked out, right about how I didn't want to be second any more... how I wanted a relationship that felt... permanent, you know not just convenient... how I wanted to be part of a couple that did things as a... as a couple, you know? I wanted him to talk to me the way that you did... Iook at me, pay attention to me the way that you do. I mean... That's not too much to ask, right? It's not too much to want. Joe. Joe. God. I wish... Here. You're great. You are. You're great. You'll meet somebody. You'll meet someone. Yeah. And with my luck he'll turn out to be gay. Jesus! I'm in the crosswalk! I'm walkin' here! All right. All right, outside. Let's go. Hey, you and me, we ain't talkin'. I know what you're doin' here. It's not right. Hi there. Sure lookin' forward to that pageant this afternoon. Listen I am not waitin' for you... to clean this place out this afternoon and I get zip. I'm going to sign for my other 250 which I have more than earned... and then... Morning, boys. Piss on you, I am gone. Wait, wait, wait. Two fifty? Saw Liberace one time in Laughlin. Great show. He's an all right fella too. Like y'all but sittin' at the far end of that counter, if you know what I mean. Would you excuse us? Oh, sure. Two fifty? You're here to sign for the other half of the salary? I thought you were gonna rob the bank. Me? I'm not robbin' the bank. You're robbing the bank. I'm not robbing the bank! It was your idea. Yeah, it was my idea but now it's not. I think I'm falling in love. With the sheriff or the banker? With Joe. Bad luck. Boys, in case no one else got around to tellin' ya we sure do appreciate what y'all done around here. Yep, sure do. That's it. See you both at the show. Hey. You done a good job, Wayne. Better than I could've done with those kids. You're a good partner. You take my share. It's time for me to go. Buenos dias, girls. I got my new car parked outside. Y'all want to come look at it? Next. Ain't life funny us back together again. Kind of like a Kodak commercial. Imagine my surprise when I come out of my hole... where I've been waitin' for things to cool off a little bit, and who do I see? In my bank. Goat boy's girlfriend here. So, tell me, girlfriend... tell me about your plan to get my money. Or if we can just do my plan but I always figured... killin' a bunch of people makes for a slower getaway. All right, I'll give you the combo. Hey. Alarm. Thank you, Wayne. What about that? Don't worry about the alarm. I'll cut the alarm. If it's on a reset switch it'll it'll start before you... What about that? Lt'll be on for a second or two. I'll coordinate the break in with... with something loud. What's loud? Well, when my girls come on stage that entrance music is pretty loud. David! How you doin'? When? Quarter of 4:00. Okay. 3:45, I cut the alarm then you're on your own. How... How long has he been in there? Huh? In the bathroom. How long do you think he's been in there? What's it matter? L... I was thinkin'... if he has the cramps or somethin' we could surprise him. What are you gonna do jump him in the can? I can take him. No, you can't. I think I can take him. Wayne, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you're a lousy fighter. Well, at least I ain't actin' like a pee waddlin' hound... handin' out the combination of my girlfriend's bank! I am not helping him. All right, I am helping him. But it's better this way. It's better that no one gets hurt. You should've seen it. Lifted me right off the seat. I could've named it Flipper. Hey! You both look, uh que bonita. Just like everything's normal. That's good. Steven, it's me, Chappy. Who's Chappy? The sheriff. You get rid of him right quick or else I will. Getting dressed. Just a second. Hey, Chappy. Hey. Hey, you. I wasn't tryin' to catch you with just your drawers on, I promise. Hey, David. How are you? I thought I'd stop and visit for a bit before the festivities begin. Uh, I got a line on some transportation for you. It ain't pretty but it'll get you where you're goin'. I'm sorry. Am I interrupting something? Yeah, you sort of are right now. Oh, I'm sorry, Steven. I'm... Think I'm bein' a little selfish right now and it's your last day in town and all... and I'm tryin' to fit in as much time as I possibly can. Me and the boys are fixin' up your, uh... your RV there. We're gonna tow it to El Paso. I think we can, um... Chappy, I need you to go. I can stay out of your way here till you're done. No, I don't want you in here right now, all right? Of course. Sure. All right. Um, we still goin' to sit together durin' the show, right? No. No, I don't think so. What? What are you talkin' about? Will you just go away! I don't want to sit with you tonight. I don't want to see you back here again. I don't want you looking for me after the show. Steven if there's somethin' I've done... Here. No. I must have been out of my mind... wasting my time with some... redneck hick sheriff... with bug eyes and two left feet. Just leave me alone. It's nice my new amigo is so concerned about his friends. We don't have to worry about how this is gonna go down. Let's do it. All right. Around, around. Like that? Like that. And around the other way. Hi. Hi. Okay, everyone. I hope we're all ready. Come on. Come on. Come here. Okay. Do you think we should pray? Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you go ahead. All right. Bow your heads. What about hold hands? All right. Let's hold hands. Okay. Yeah. Okay, God just want you to look down on these girls here. They're like little flowers... and the rain you send 'em... gotta be gentle and sweet. We come to you today and we ask you to just help 'em... help us grab this pageant by the balls and rip 'em off. I mean, if those judges don't like us, then screw 'em. These girls here, they're... they're talented, they're pretty... and if if those judges say anything different then I hope that on Judgement Day, you put their asses through a meat grinder. Amen. Amen! Amen. It's show time, folks! Let's go. Good luck. Break a leg. Not really. All right. Break an egg. Ladies and gentlemen. Straight from the big bend of Texas... your nominees for Little Miss Fresh Squeezed! Whoo hoo hoo hoo hoo! All right! Welcome to Happy where we are more than happy to be hosting... the 18th Annual Little Miss Fresh Squeezed... Preteen Talent Competition. 97 girls from 13 communities... competing for a chance to represent their hometown... at the state pageant in Dallas next month. What's going on? No matter what, remember, 3:45! Speak. This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine Let it shine, let it shine let it shine How ya doin'? That's why... I have good news. The Del Rio girls they haven't shown up so the Happy girls are gonna go on stage early. I thought maybe we could go back to my place. That would be... What? I thought we'd go back to my place. Wait. Happy girls aren't supposed to go on till quarter to 4:00. Well, 15 minutes early. David. David. No. David. Hi ho. You know this reminds me of a story. Well, I'll be dipped. Hey, Alton. Get yourself a map get ahold of the SWAT boys... and get your best body armour. Yes, sir. We have been invited to a party. Call the local boy. Tell him what's up. Way out west Old Dan Tucker Popped some corn Old Dan Tucker Let's go! I am in the middle of a song here. Our plans have been changed. Hey, come on! Please trust me. Get us a car. I could not be prouder today to introduce to you the Happy girls! What the hell are we doin' here? The alarm is in Chappy's office. Okay. Enough. I consider the bank robbed, town safe. It's time to go. Where are they? Who? Texas Marshals. You saw Texas Marshals out there? No. Aw, Jesus, you scared me. For a minute there I thought we were in trouble. They should be here by now. No, see now if they responded to alarms which they don't... I called them. Jesus on a crutch! What the... I couldn't let him have Joe's bank. I can't let Bob do that. They're here. I think it's time to go. Thank you. No. Joe! Don't! Joe! No, you gotta hit Farm Market Road 2448. South to Happy. Great oogly moogly. What is goin' on now? Look who's here, mija. Joe. He's talkin' to you. Steven... That's enough. I put four of them inside. Let's assume the woman is a civilian. You let me know when one of you boys got a clear shot. You know what I don't figure, goat boy? Either you're here for the cut... in which case I'd just as soon shoot you or maybe you've come for mi novia here. You don't have to hurt her, Bob. Hurting her is not part of the deal. Now, you stand real still. You hold this. I'm gonna have to ask you for your gun. Gun? Amateurs. Got an unidentified on the street. Did anybody get ahold of the local? Bob, we had a deal. You take the money. But I'm warnin' you, that's all you're takin' out of here. You're warning me? You are one dumb peon. Shots fired! Shots fired! Get him! Will you tell your boy to cease fire before he kills us all. Cease fire! Cease fire! Sir, we got us an officer in there. What are we gonna do? Admire him, son. That is one big dicked cop. Officer down! Holy hell! Somebody kill me one of them bastards! Come on, lover! Oh, Jesus! Well, here's a surprise. You all right? Don't you worry about me. I've been hurt worse today. Aw, Chappy. Chappy. I want you to know I'm not tryin' to rob the bank. That's good to know. I'd hate to think I got shot tryin' to stop a bank robbery. You gonna be okay? I think I can take him. I'm a bit confused. I love small towns. Get in! Damn! What now? Hit the brakes! You stay here with the local. He's shooting! Turn! Hey! Jesus on a cracker! We are in pursuit of a late model tow truck... pullin' an early model recreational vehicle. We're travellin' east on Farm Road. Farm Road. Farm Road. Uh... 1832, but you don't wanna go that way. 1832 makes a big, lazy loop east. Instead, you fellas ought to take 2886 south and I'll head 'em to you. I'm gonna try to get up there. Ely, you still workin' that east parcel? Hey, Chappy. I need a favour. You mind drivin'? I'm feelin' a little lightheaded. Look, shooting them is not gonna make this truck go any faster. But dumpin' them will. Now, I want you to take the wheel. Joe! Steven! What are you doing? Trying to save you! Well, cut it out! I'm tryin' to save you! If I don't kill you first. Tractor! Watch it! Go! Go! Go! Oh, beautiful. Cops everywhere. Pull in there. Oh, no. Not the pageant. Out! So there! Hey! The light is green! Oh! Hey! Ha! Adios, amigo. You all right? He hurt you? Move! Move! Move! Hold your fire. That's real nice. Now, what we got here is an old fashioned Mexican standoff. Don't you ever talk to me like that! Sic him! Hey, you guys are good. You're fast. I don't know what I run a 40, but... Whew! In those shoes? Why, you guys are really good. That was for my girls! Hog tie that little convict prick! What was that all about? Escaped bank robbin' convict and I'm dancin' with him. You know what they call that in my line of work? Retirement. Chappy, uh... I never meant... Yeah, but you did. And that's what life's for, right? Findin' out? Sheriff Dent? I just wanna shake your hand. I wish there were more men like you in law enforcement. You are one big dicked cop. Thank you. Oh, my God! David! Miss Schaefer, don't you worry about a thing. I love you. I love you too, David. Maddy! Maddy, I'm sorry! I'm not gonna be able to hear your whole song, all right? I think you're a great kid! I like you a lot! Maddy! Maddy! Remember to keep the beat! And let the beginning start soft! Start soft. Shh. Shh. It's oh so quiet It's oh so still You're all alone Miss Schaefer. I love you, Miss Schaefer. Doreen. You can call me Doreen. You can call me Wayne. Look. Looky what I done for you, sweetheart. Oh, Wayne! Wayne? What's wrong, sugar darlin'? Look what I've done. I love that woman. And so peaceful until You ring my bell Bam, bam Shout, you yell You broke the spell Gee, this is swell You almost have a fit This guy's gorge and I got hit There's no mistake This is it Until it's over And then It's nice and quiet But soon again You look good. There are very few things that I remember about my mother. But I do remember her tellin' me... "Look out for boys. They have a way about 'em. "Make you feel like fine crystal one minute... an old penny the next." I didn't come down here for you. I came for me. I just wanted to know all that time that we were together all those things that you said were they just so you could get into my bank? Joe... Joe... Please, Joe, wait! Joe, I've been a screwup my whole life and I never thought twice about it even in prison, not until you. You make me think about it. Don't make me come after you. They'll shoot me! My life up till now has been very fuzzy. Now, the difference between what is truth and what is not truth... has been a problem for me. Joe. There is nothin'... fuzzy... about what I feel for you. You know, you spoke better when you were gay. I want you to know, if you think it will help, I'm willing to try that. Please don't. You forgive me? Not right now, no, but... I've got three to five to think about it, don't I? Good behaviour out in 22 months. You think you're capable of good behavior? If you give me the chance I could be very, very good. Perfect. You blow a fuse Zing, boom The devil cuts loose Zing, boom So what's the use Whoa, bam Of falling in love The sky caves in The devil cuts loose You blow, blow, blow blow, blow your fuse When you've fallen in love Shh. Cute butt, sexy eyes Tall and dark I know what I like Heart of gold Yes, yes, I'm here. I want to report a stolen recreational vehicle. Very expensive. Very expensive. Brand new. I'm very upset. It's brand new. It is brand new and I'm very upset. Yes, I will. I will. Okay. He's transferring me to a detective. I wish you would stop talkin' and yappin' away when I'm tryin' to do this. Okay, if you want to do it you can do it. I should have done it. Well, then, don't sit and talk about should've and would've. I can cry on cue, Steven. Well, I am trying to cry and make it believable. I'm doing the best I can.