The Buzz Identity / Two and a Half Man

(Scene begins at that one point in Toy Story 3 where the Sunnyside toys attempt to reset Buzz.)

Lotso: I'm afraid you know too much, Buzz.

Buzz Lightyear: You'll never get away with this, Lotso! Pixar movies are sad in the middle, and sometimes at the beginning, but never at the end!

(Lotso snaps his fingers. Big Baby comes in with a screwdriver)

Buzz Lightyear: Wait! What are you doing?!

Lotso: Hmmm. "Resetting your Buzz Lightyear."

(Big Baby removes the screws and is about to switch Buzz from "Play Mode" to "Demo Mode".)

Buzz Lightyear: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Buzz ends up being reloacated in a bath tub, unconscious. Along sails a Fisher Price ship.)

Blue Sailor: Whoever he is, his batteries are gonna rust if he's left in the tub too long.

(Buzz has been lifted up into the sailors' boat and placed on a bunk.)

Red Sailor: Not bad for two guys with no arms.

[POW!]

Amnesia Buzz: (Attack mode) Who am I? [WHAM!] I have no memory! [KICK!] Who are you? [SLAP!] What's my name?

Blue Sailor: We don't know. It wasn't... on your underwear.

Amnesia Buzz: Oh no! ... You checked my underwear?

(Title Card: The Buzz Identity)

(Cuts to the exterior of a bank named PigiBank)

Amnesia Buzz: Can you tell me who I am? All I have on me is this serial number.

Hamm: It says you are Buzz Lightyear of Star Command.

Amnesia Buzz: "Lightyear"? What is that? Dutch?

Hamm: You're also coming up as Tim Allen, Scott Calvin and the Shaggy D.A. (Screen reads "ALLEN, TIM", "CALVIN, SCOTT", and "YIKES".)

Amnesia Buzz: Well, I'm either a secret agent or a mediocre actor with no talent for choosing mo--

Spanish Toy: (Translated from Spanish): Perdoné. (Pardon me.) Tienes te la tiempo? (Do you have the time?)

Amnesia Buzz: (In Spanish): Desculpe, yo no hablo Espanol. (Sorry, I don't speak Spanish.) (In English) *Gasp* (Ay Ay Ay!) I DO speak Spanish! (Si hablo Espanol!) Why can I hablo Espanol? (Porque puedo speak Spanish?) I can has Spanish! (????????????)

(Two cop toys walk in, with the intent of apprehending Buzz.)

Amnesia Buzz: Ay. Mucho poopoo. [POW! KICK!] Spanish and karate? Whoever I am, I am AWESOME!

Jessie: Yodel-lay-hee-hoo! Come with me! You'll be safe.

[Pan out to reveal cop toys everywhere in the place]

Amnesia Buzz: Nice try, honey. Almost had me with that yodel too. Got me right here. (Buzz pushes a large red button which activates the suit's flight system.) Wings? I must be able to fly. To infinity, and- something... or other.

(A truck hits Buzz, blasting him off to Ken's house)

Ken: Good to see you again, Buzz.

Amnesia Buzz: How do you know my name? Did you look at my underwear?

Ken: My name is Ken. We work for Mr. Lotso and you are a Space Ranger.

Amnesia Buzz: I don't understand any of this.

Ken: Relax, let me get you some cake from my "Malibu Ken - It's Okay for Boys to Bake Too Oven".

Wheezy: Psst. Everything Ken told you is a lie.

Amnesia Buzz: Even the cake?

Wheezy: No, the cake is real and extremely rich - but you're not a space ranger, you're a toy! Andy's toy! And we need to get you out of here!

Amnesia Buzz: A toy? This couldn't get any weirder.

(Buzz is taken by the hand of Jason Bourne out of the Play City)

Matt Damon/Jason Bourne: Back off! I'm Jason Bourne, and I can turn this toy into a weapon if I need to!

Amnesia Buzz: Okay, it just got weirder.

Julia Stiles: Awww! Is that a Buzz Lightyear? I used to sleep with one of those when I was little.

Amnesia Buzz: Keep talking...

Matt Damon/Jason Bourne: Take that!

(Matt/Jason throws Buzz at the two, only to duck in time, leaving him flying straight into a wall)

Amnesia Buzz: I knew I could fly! To infinity-- [CRASH!]

(Buzz wakes up from his insane dream in bed)

Buzz Lightyear: What... What happened?

Woody: You took quite a spill, pal. We were worried about you.

Buzz Lightyear: I had the weirdest dream that... I was in The Bourne Identity! Lotso, you were there, and you were there too, Ken! And Matt Damon, you were there and Julia Stiles, you were there. But then you weren't really in anything after that. I don't know why, 'cause you were great in 10 Things I Hate About You.

Lotso: The important thing is it was all a dream, and you're awake now!

Leonardo DiCaprio: ...Or are you?

(Leo spins the top, putting reality to the test. Everybody's heads turn into Leonardo DiCaprio heads, then characters from the end of The Wizard of Oz, then Snow White and her seven dwarves.)

Talking Top: Man, am I dizzy! [HURK!]

(Segment ends)

NOTE: All *s mark something Jake says, translated.

(Alan reads a magazine called MAD's Mike and Polly. Charlie's car CRASHES in.)

Alan Harper: Charlie, you're just getting in?

Charlie Harper: BURP!

Crowd: YEAH! WOO-HOO!

Alan Harper: Man, you live like an animal.

Charlie Harper: (Presses his car beeper) At least I have fun. You haven't lived since your summer in Narnia.

Alan Harper: Yeah, and look what it got me!

(Cue the centaur Jake.)

Jake Harper: [neigh] (I hate you!)* (He falls down the stairs and kicks Alan.)

(Two and a Half Man, after the title card)

Jake Harper: [neigh] (This title card STINKS!)*

(Cuts to the kitchen)

Alan Harper: For the last time, there is NO WAY you're having a party in this house!

(Jake throws his food.)

Jake Harper: [neigh] (You're so unfair...)*

Charlie Harper: C'mon, let the kid off the leash, or whatever centaurs wear. (Jake throws Charlie's food onto Alan.)

Alan Harper: He's my son and I say he's too irresponsible to have a party! That would be more stupid than the time Jonah Hill tried to eat a plane.

(Scene goes to Peter Griffin.)

Peter Griffin: So that's what that looks like. Heh.

(Back to the kitchen.)

Charlie Harper: How's the kid ever gonna grow up to be a stallion if you keep treating him like a pony? (Whacks Jake into the floor)

Alan Harper: Charlie, the kid can't be left alone. He chews on the furniture, poops on the floor...

(FART!)

Charlie Harper: Actually, that was me.

Alan Harper: AND he's spooked by loud noises.

Charlie Harper: Oh, speaking of loud noises, have I shown you my official World Cup vuvuzela? (Gets out the World Cup vuvuzela. He breathes into the vuvuzela, then blows)

Jake Harper: [neighs while beating up Alan] (Oh no, loud noises! It's CLOBBERING time!)*

Alan Harper: Oh, oh, uh. Why would you do that?

(FART!)

Unseen Character: The pain!

(Scene goes to Charlie and Alan. They come home from the hospital. Alan has all bones but 48 broken. Charlie still carries his official World Cup vuvuzela.)

Charlie Harper: Look on the bright side, Alan. There are still 48 bones in your body that weren't broken.

Alan Harper: Yeah, I suppose it could be worse. He could have thrown a giant party full of mythical creatures while we were at the (Goes in the house. BIG party.) hos..pi..tal.

Mr. Tumnus: So I go "Yeah, those were bubbles, but this ain't no hot tub!"

(They all laugh, then Mr. Tumnus punches the mouse to the wall.)

Alan Harper: First he breaks my clavicle, and then he breaks my heart!

Jake Harper: [neighs and breaks the Narnian cheese platter] (Woah!)*

Charlie Harper: Aaaaaaaand your priceless Narnian cheese platter.

Jake Harper: [neigh] (I'm sorry!)*

Alan Harper: Don't give me that "You're sorry" routine! Go to your stable, young half-man! You can come down when you learn how to be responsible.

Jake Harper: [neigh] (But you never gave me the chance?)*

Alan Harper: Well, that is true. I've never given you the chance to show how responsible you can be.

Jake Harper: [whinny] (You don't love me.)*

Alan Harper: No, Jake, I just don't want you to turn into your Uncle Charlie. (Zooms out) Where is he, anyway?

(Outside. Charlie's with the White Witch.)

White Witch: My home is a frozen fortress guarded by giant wolves and filled with the petrified statues of my enemies.

Charlie Harper: You had me at "frozen fortress". Can I should you my vuvuzela? Wait, where is that thing?

(Back to inside. The lion breathes...)

Alan Harper: Oh, nuts.

(...then blows the vuvuzela)

Jake Harper: [neigh, he destroyes Alan again with his stomping] (THE VUVUZELA AGAIN! IT'S DESTRUCTION TIME FOR THIS HOUSE!)*

(End segment.)