Hurricane! (American Dad!)

As hurricane flows out grow stronger, breaker surf runs to breach the Langley fall sea wall and flood all of Langley. Residents are urged to evacuate. Thanks, Greg. Stay safe out there. Ahahahah, don't worry. I didn't see some nasty storms. Oh my God. The sky and Creg. How can you calmly do housework when there's a hurricane outside? I'll stuck inside all day anyway, How am I supposed to scratch something of my to-do list? Stole this white mixture, prepare the table, buy my old college javelin. Why on Earth would you ever need that? You'll never know. Well, this weather is worrying me. Are you sure we shouldn't evacuate? Evacuate? I'm not going to abandon my house just so a bunch of guys in sports jerseys can loot the place and do God-knows-what with my old college javelin. (thunder crashes) But we're in Lower Langley. And we're in the lowest part of the neighborhood! That's why so many soccer balls end up in our yard. (wind howling) (Greg screams) We'll be fine. I've got us totally prepared to ride out the storm. But what if the sea wall breaks? Greg said that Francine, a man's most important duty is to protect his family. So, please, just trust me. I won't let anything happen to you guys. Okay? Mm, okay Try to relax. Watching all that news is just making you paranoid. Maybe a nice massage will calm you down. Just start up here. Check it out! I got full blueprints of our house for my project. The Junior Architect Society isn't going to know what hit them! Are you allergic to vaginas, Steve? Jeff, what if the sea wall breaks? The zoo is in Lower Langley. Wh-What about the animals? Uh, don't worry, babe. All the animals will take care of each other, just like they do in the wild. I don't know what I'd do without you. You're my rock. Come on. Let's go get high and talk about other times we got high. Last night was magical. I think we could really have something. Oh, yeah, yeah Yeah, say, could I get that sweatshirt back from you? It looks pretty nasty out there. Maybe I could just wear it and give it back to you next time? Yeah it's just, it's kinda my favorite, you know, from college. I'll wash it for you. I just want to wear it for a while. (deep sniff, sighs) It smells like us. (groans) (wind rushing) If you've seen this man, please call the station right away. He was last seen being sucked into the sky, where he belongs. (voice cracking): Because he's an angel! (doorbell rings) - Hey, Buckle. - Stan, you're still here?! Everyone in the neighborhood has evacuated. Even my friends Julius and Rachel Epstein left. They're beavers, Stan! I appreciate the concern, Buckle, but we'll be fine. The roads aren't passable anymore, but I've got an amphibious vehicle! I'm going to get Shari, and we'll stop by on our way out. I pray you come with us, my friend. (kisses) Stan, are you sure we shouldn't go with them? The sea wall could break any minute. For the last time, we'll be fine. We have weeks of supplies, and the house is completely watertight. How do you know that? Remember when everyone was worried about anthrax and dirty bombs a few years ago, even though they should be far, far more worried about it now - trust me I know what I'm talking about? - I remember. Well, I everything-proofed the house. It's sealed against anthrax, radiation, water This dumb bastard's going to get us all killed! We have to evacuate! We are staying right here! "Not I," said the guy who lived, and was beautiful. I'm going with Red Beard Raccoon Coat. Anyone who's interested in living and not being stupid and crazy, I suggest you join me. And anyone who trusts my judgment as the protector of this family, I suggest you join me! Francine?! I'm sorry, Stan. But when there's a crisis, you make bad decisions. They sound reasonable in the moment, but they always end badly. That's ridiculous! I know it's hard to hear, Stan, but it's true. Come on, kids. I'm with Mommy! Betrayal! I have to stay, Mom. If the zoo floods, I need to be here, so I can start rescuing animals. Besides, I-I think the house will probably hold. I'm with you, babe. See what a good wife Jeff is, Francine? He sticks by her husband. I'll stay with you, Roger. You're still here? Come on, you guys! How can you trust that guy over me, your own husband?! You're not giving me any choice! Staying here is a perfect example of you making a bad crisis decision. I still don't understand why we couldn't have taken the Solara! The Solara is not amphibious, my sweet Semitic treasure! Francine, staying here is not a bad decision. I've prepared for this I finally did it. I've made my decision about whether to stay or go. It took a lot of soul searching, but in the end ALL OTHERS: Shut up, Klaus! Punt! (Klaus screams) Hayley, please come with us. I can't, Mom. (dramatically): What of the animals? Why, why, why, why do you have to say it like that? (deep rumbling) No! The sea wall has broken! (all scream) (panting) What an exciting first date! We're not dating, you miserable cow! (laughs) You're funny! Oh my God. Buckle and Shari! They're dead. Nothing we can do now but pray and strip all the copper piping out of their house. If you'd gotten in that vehicle, you'd be dead, too, Francine. If we'd left this morning, like I wanted, we'd be safe at Mah Mah and Bah Bah's right now! We're safe here! The generator's working. The place is sealed tighter than an unlubricated Komzel valve. Or maybe the more obvious joke: a Zwanzi tribesman's nook-nook ribbon, pre-Lonzi ritual. (loud bump, house jerks slightly) Um, Dad You didn't seal the drainage that allows water to pass under the house, did you? 'Cause without that, the water'll put too much pressure on the structure Steve, stop it. Just because you're in an architect club doesn't mean Hiya, Barb! Some weather, huh? doesn't mean you know everything about Hey, Principal Lewis! End of days bitches! (laughs raucously) about this house We're moving. The house is moving. I see that now. (wind whistling) Just as I suspected! The water couldn't pass under the house, so it pushed it off the foundation! See, Stan? Sealing up the house and staying here sounded like okay decisions, but look what happened! I feel so close to you. Let's go look at your baby pictures. Great, you go get them. They're outside. Where? Just outside. Anywhere. Just go find them. It's a game. I say we go up to the attic the highest, safest part of the house. We should stay down here. If rescue comes, we can climb right out the window and onto the boat. You know what? Fine. Anyone smart or loyal enough to take my side in this, come with me to the attic. Hayley, don't listen to him! She's made up her mind, Francine. Just like how I normally make up your mind. (thunderclap) Penny for your thoughts? I don't have any change. Saucy. Shut up. Do not pass go. What? Chicken butt. I hate you. Got your nose! (groans) Stan, what are you doing? I'm dropping an anchor to stop us. We could crash into something and sink! Oh, please don't do that! I know an anchor sounds like a good plan. I can't poke any holes in it, per se. But based on your history (Stan grunts) My wine fridge! I had my cocaine in there! (deep creaking sound) See, Francine! It was a good idea, and it worked! Thanks to me, the Smith family is safe! (house creaking) (All scream) (All scream) (Francine and Roger groan) I'll never forget you, Roger! Just ignore her. No! My sweatshirt! (Jeff cries) Don't worry. I can fix this. It's jammed! Ha! Tables have turned, bitches! This whole house is going to flood. Tough luck for you dicks who don't have gills. I guess it's my house now, and I can go wherever I want! (laughs hysterically) See you never, goat-(bleep)! (screams) This is salt water! It burns! (gasping) Put me back, put me back! (panting) Whew! (laughs sheepishly): So a lot of funny jokes happened just now, ja? We're completely upside down! Aw, look Steve. Our glow-in-the-dark star stickers are still here. Remember that night we camped out in the living room? We told ghost stories and you had your first big-boy dream? Such volume! (faint pounding from below) That must be the others, in the attic! We have to help them! Hmm. Looks like we can use this vertical access aft to get down there. Those are the stairs, Steve. We need to make some kind of rope maybe out of curtains. As if! You think I'm gonna risk my neck for Stan, after what he did to my wine fridge?! No way! But what about your wigs? They're all in the attic. (gasps) Get out of my way! I'll kill you! (crashes) (debris clattering) ROGER (in pain): Franny we need to make some kind of rope perhaps out of curtains. (creaking) I couldn't get the window shut! The water is rising! I'll get us out of this! (crying) I'm not gonna make it, babe! I-I want you to take my Hacky Sack and-and give it to our grandchildren. Jeff, we don't even have kids. I know. That's why I want you to take this folded-up candy wrapper. Don't ask me how I did it. Just take it and start our family. It looks like this corridor should take us directly to the main attic access. It's not a corridor, it's a hallway! You need to stop with the architect jargon. Seriously. Look at me. You need to zip it, lock it and put it in your pocket. FRANCINE: Stan?! It's Mom! She's gonna save us! We don't need saving. I've got this under control. I'm here, Francine! Don't panic! I'll get us through this! FRANCINE: What? Stan, we're moving the stuff off the door! Just hang on! That's real good, honey! Keep your spirits up! I'm coming! There, there, you're safe now. The wigs! They're all gone! Half of those belonged to Brendan Fraser! Oh, thank the stars you made it! Come here, I've got you! Oh, bless you, Roger! KLAUS: I was afraid I Thank God this one survived. I can still go to cowboy weddings. Nein! Okay, one at a time. The rope isn't very strong. I don't want to die here! I'm supposed to die in the medical tent at a music festival! (Jeff screaming) Jeff, no! Ow! Jeff! Now we lost our rope! (sobbing): I'm so sorry! Get ahold of yourself! Huh. Huh. How are we gonna get up there now? Get us out of here, Mrs. S! No! I'll save us! We, uh we should open a window and flood this floor! The rising water will carry us right up to the living room. There's no way we're doing another one of your ideas, Stan! HAYLEY: Maybe we should. What? Look, I know Dad's decisions haven't worked out, but he is trying. I say we open the window unless anyone has a better idea based in reality. Okay, then. Window it is. Thank you, Hayley. You're welcome, Dad. (Hayley screams) Ahh! (trailing off): Dad was wrong Wow, what a beautiful creature. And we know so little about them. Hayley! Hayley! Oh, God! Oh, God! That shark's in here, man! If they're really attracted to blood, then it's in my room, attacking the boxers I wore the day Francine made tacos. Just leave me behind! I am bad in a crisis. And it got Hayley killed! Don't give up, Dad. We got the window closed and we'll find her. (muffled groaning) It's the ghost of Hayley risen up from the depths of hell! She has unfinished business with me! Leave me be, specter! No, she's alive! Why would you assume she went to hell? Hayley?! What's on the bottom of your mattress, Steve? So many of the girls are Asian, and pregnant. She's not in here, we should keep moving. Shark! Oh, thank god. It's just a dead girl. Ah! Roger, you came back for me. Uh, okay. Do you want to come to dinner at my parents' house on Tuesday? What did you find?! I-Is it Hayley?! No, it's nothing. Just a cushion. We're going to have lots of babies. No, no, no, no, no, no. She's not in here, either. Where's your father? The shark got him! Stan! Hayley! I don't see any (groaning): Oh! Hayley! Careful! The shark let me go when I jammed my one-hitter in its eye, but I think it's still here somewhere. Hang on, Hayley. Mama's coming. (whispering): Does anyone have Chap Stick? I got you, honey. It's okay (screaming) Go, go, go! (thudding) We have to go up! Oh! (shark growling) (sighs) (creaking) We did it! We got away. Okay, according to the blueprints (yelling) It's hungry for flesh and knowledge! (screaming) (crying) Don't look at me, whore! We both know what this is! It's love! Forever love! (crying) Stan! Oh. (laughs sheepishly): Didn't see you there. Sneaky. A sneaky boy is what you are. Francine was right about me, Klaus. The farther away from the family I am, the safer they'll be. HAYLEY: There he is! There he is! STEVE: Look at all his teeth! They don't sound very safe, Stan. You'd better get in there! I want to, but I'll only make things worse - with my bad decisions. FRANCINE: - Aah, look! Look, Stan, everyone makes bad decisions, but it's a numbers game. Eventually, you're bound to make the right call. (Hayley screaming in distance) I am? Sure. (blows landing nearby) Look at Nicolas Cage. He made many horrible movies. Snake Eyes, Eight Millimeter, Gone in Sixty Seconds, Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Windtalkers (blows landing, indistinct shouting) Ghost Rider, Family Man, Weather Man, Wicker Man, Bangkok Dangerous. (Francine screaming) But then he nailed it, Stan, with National Treasure Two, the greatest movie of all time! (distant screaming) He did nail it! He nailed it so hard that he became a national treasure too. STEVE: Mom, behind you! (Francine screams) My God! (blows landing, screaming) If Nicolas Cage can recover from his bad decisions and make a great one, so can I! That's the spirit. I'm going to save my family! (monkey hooting, lion roaring) And this time, I'm going to make the right call. I don't want to die yet. I haven't experienced the disappointment of being in a monogamous sexual relationship. (whimpers) STAN: Help has arrived! (growling) (all screaming) STAN: It's okay. I let the bear in to kill the shark. They're natural enemies since the dawn of time. (growls) (growling) They're working in tandem! They're brothers in arms! (grunts) (growling) Just a hiccup. Don't worry. I'm Nic Caging this mother! (metallic clanging) (hissing) This time, I'll make the right call. I'm gonna electrocute them! Oh, Stan, I don't think Aah! (whimpering) (wood creaking) Don't worry. I'm on this. Next time, I'm bound to make the right call. You're killing us, Mr. S! Stop it! Stay calm, Jeff! I'll get us through this. You have to let (groans) me (punching) (groans) help you (groans) FRANCINE: - Stan! - I know, honey. You believe in me again. No! You're making everything much, much worse! Now look me in the eyes. I'm going to tell you exactly what to do. You need to go out and get help. No more decisions or ideas. Go outside and get help, okay?! Okay, I hear you. I really do. But I'm not going to do that. Because I have a better idea. My old college javelin. Remember? I'll harpoon the bear, and the bear blood will distract the shark, and we can escape! Stan! (wind whipping) No! No! (tranquilizer gun fires) (tranquilizer gun fires) (tranquilizer gun fires) Ow! (birds singing) (groaning) Sorry about tranquilizing you, Stan. I-I wasn't sure who was doing the most damage down there. It's okay. You did the right thing, Buckle. You harpooned me. I told you to go out and get help and you harpooned me. I'm so sorry, Francine. I just wanted to prove I'm good in a crisis. I failed. Stan, 99% of the time, there is no crisis, and you're a wonderful husband and father. But what about when there is one? It's the man's job to protect his family. And you can, honey by getting the hell out of the way and doing nothing. Huh. Do nothing. Francine, we both know I'm not going to do that. I wonder how much damage the hurricane did to the neighborhood. Oh, what a day. CLEVELAND: Tell me about it. I don't even know where the hell I am. Looter! Self defense! A black and a white talking as if it's normal! Peter, what are you doing? You know me! Everybody shut up and let me think! Just let me think! Stan, have you? (fires gun) (crying) (laughs) Oh, man. Classic American Dad.