1600 Candles

I'm mobile! Check me out, I'm mobile! Roger, look what I bought. It's a hamster ball but I modified it. That's a thing. Look at them down there, planning my birthday party. Yep, I'm turning 1600. A big 1, 6, double bagel. I like spying. My fanny is so high in the air right now. Hi, I'd like to rent a bouncy castle and a sober clown for my friend Roger this Saturday. Do you the number of someone who does have a sober clown? No, sir. I don't believe I am asking for the moon. Making a cake, ordering clowns They love me! Yep, in my culture, 1600 is the most important birthday of all. - And mine's shaping up pretty - Coming through! Behold! It is here! My first pube! It's red! Fire! God, I'm gonna be sick. I've finally hit puberty! Honey, that's wonderful. We're so happy for you. Yes, very happy. Now go ahead and pull up your pants. No chance. I gotta go brush and style this bad boy. Okay, freak show's over. Let's get back to my birthday. Where are you guys going? Come back. Francine, the frosting! Hello, clown dispatcher? Oh, man. This is bad. I can't deal with this. - Puberty. - Our worst nightmare. The only thing worse than a child going through puberty is being the parent of a child going through puberty. Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a while? Nobody honked. - What are you doing? - I can't do it again, man. I'm leaving. I'm going to I don't know, my mom's, my sister's Hell! I'll even go back to prison, I don't care. Look, maybe it won't be so bad. - We got through Hayley's puberty. - Barely. What do you mean, every month? Honey, that's the glory of being a woman. I'm not using these! I'm never using these! This is as big as they're gonna get? I'm hideous. - Honey, you can't even see it. - It's pretty. Your cheek's pregnant. Who's the father? Touching your face all day with your greasy hands? Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna wear my big shoes and pack my flip flops. I'm not ready for Steve to make the change. He's gonna have man breath and his poops won't smell good anymore. I wish he could just stay 14 a little while longer. Not me. I want him to skip over puberty and jump right to 21 so the two of us can go have a shot and a shave. We can finally sit down and discuss Ordinary People. Tired of talking to the kid about that movie and just getting a blank stare. Hey, rental units. I cleaned all the kid crap from my room. I'm gonna dump it, then go for a jog. You know, clear my head. It's a little chilly out, wear a sweater. You're my mother, not my thermometer. We have to do something. There's nothing we can do. We're helpless. Like a turned-over tortoise in the sun. Sure, our bellies are warm now, but soon it will be dark. And then, the crows will come. Fellows, how's the sloppy joes today? Sloppy, I trust. Are those khakis? A braided belt? Don't itemize, boys. Take it all in, it's a package. Speaking of packages, mine's got a hair on it. Way to go, Steve! Sit down and tell us all about it. I'd love to, kimosabes, but I'm here on business. Lisa Silver, as I live and breathe What do you want, tweeb? It's not what I want. It's what you want. Which is to go to the dance with me this Saturday. - I don't - I know you're into me. And if you weren't before, you are now, because you're intrigued by this moment. Go on. Meet me at Macy's tomorrow, Young petite. We're going dress-shopping. I've got a look in mind for you. And I got you a present. It's getting to watch me walk away. - Hey, scientists. - Hey, Mrs. Smith. What brings you by? Well, I was talking to Stan last night. And he seemed pretty sure that nothing could stop the ageing process. But I think if anyone in the world could do it, it'd be you boys So smart! We have been goofing around with this, but it's classified. Still classified? Still classified? - I've brought brownies. - Brownies! He makes it difficult to negotiate. What an angel. God took a little extra time on you, didn't he? My little deep-sleeper. What's this? The Home & Hearth catalog? What a great place to shop for birthday presents! Is that Is that a nightstand from the Country Mystique collection? What the hell happened to me? I'm a goddamn toddler! Moving on! There is a choice between brass and wood drawer pulls. If you get the wood ones, I'll throw everything in the street. Do not test me. Which one of you did this to me? I just asked those scientists at the CIA for something to stop you from ageing. - They must've given me too much. - Francine, how could you? I just wanted him to stay 14 for a few more years, so I could hold on to my baby. I'm a baby all right! Look! It's gone! My one man hair is gone! Can we have one family meal without someone flashing their genitalia? That is weird stuff. And we are certainly going to talk about it after my party. Maybe while we're cleaning up. Maybe while you're cleaning up. - You are so cute! - I'm not supposed to be cute! I'm supposed to be a man! You really gave it to me this time, Mom! You just took a nightstick and went It was a total violation of my - Steve, cartoons. - Of my Is that monkey working as a greengrocer? Francine, you had no right to turn Steve 5. I'm gonna pay the boys in the lab a visit and get the antidote. I'm gonna need something to grease the little one with. Where is he going? That's my cake! This is all your fault. They should be at the mall, buying me a tiny remote control helicopter - that'll break the moment I use it! - Oh, my God! I was supposed to meet Lisa at the mall to buy her a dress for the dance. I can't stand her up. She's the hottest girl in school! This is my shot! What am I gonna do? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna bite those little legs! No, stop! Who's gonna eat the cob? Mummy's gonna eat the cob! Look at me! Being escorted around town by this handsome little gentleman! Just so you know, I'm speaking calmly, but there is a tantrum brewing in me, like this mall has never seen. - You want me to come with you? - No, you've done enough. Press 4, please. I said 4! I'm sorry, I hit 3. I know, I saw. You've got stringbean legs. I want to bite them, I want to bite them! Hey, babe. Down here. It's me, Steve Smith. - Is this a joke? - I know this is weird. Since we last met, I had a little pituitary problem, but don't worry. You and me, that's still happening. So, I'm thinking open-toed shoes. You got good feet? Pop off those kicks, give Daddy a look. I don't know what's going on, if you're Steve's nephew or whatever, but when you see him, do me a favor. Tell him he blew it. It's me, I swear! Don't worry, kiddo. This is gonna fix you right up. You had to give him that shot! You couldn't just let him be my baby for a little while longer! No, Francine. That time of his life is over. I guess we'll just have to prepare ourselves for puberty. This will have to do till I can fashion a shive out of a chicken bone. Puberty? Not what I'm doing. When he gets up from his nap, he's gonna be 21. What? What did you do? I had the boys at the lab give me enough serum to drop Steve off just on the other side of puberty. Mary Tyler Moore is such an icy bitch in this, - it's fantastic. - Stan, we never discussed There he is My man's awake! Why? Oh, my God. I think the boys in the lab made a mistake. You think? I got my pubic hair back. A whole bunch of them. They're white as freaking Christmas. It's like Santa-town down there. And look at my pendulous nuts. Every time I walk, it's like a game of ganipganop. You rat bastards! You sons of - Weather channel. - I'm not interested in Looks like a storm front is headed for Seattle. Don't want to be on those roads. I was just reading this article about a bubble man. He comes to your party and makes big bubbles. Saint alive! Minus 14 in Minneapolis? - No, thank you. - Is that Is he Great. Nice. Good. I'll just hit back to the lab straighten this thing out once and for all. You do that. Do something right for once in your life. Shut up, old man. Steve, Lisa called. She's agreed to give you one more chance and wants to meet you later today Gross! What am I gonna do? If I show up like this, she'll never believe it's me. I'll have to think of something. Something clever and easy to explain. Hi, I'm future Steve. I've been sent back in time of which I am recording secretary. - What? - I remember these Now, I've been commissioned with 2 responsibilities. First, to assure you that Steve will be at the dance and is looking forward to it. And second They're bringin back the old sleeping booths! Hurray! I found him sleeping in a booth with, like, 4 other old people. - Did you get the shot? - Right here. - This'll make him 14 again. - It's gonna be hell for all of us. Yes, especially Steve. Horrible time, puberty. Years of sadness, rejection and confusion. He'll look weird, smell weird, his voice will change, he'll get painful acnea. Backnea, assnea, inner-earnea He comes from an oily family. Plus, he'll be getting his butt kicked through it all. The senseless beatings! Have you ever been beaten naked in a gym shower, Stan? One day, when I was showering after gym class, these mean pretty girls caught me and kept scrubbing me all over with soap. I mean, they didn't miss a spot! And even though we were all wet and naked and slippery, they were still able to get me on all fours, and shove my face to the floor. Can you imagine, Stan? How'd they catch you again, please? Wait, Steve Where did he go? They tried to make me put my bag under the box, but I told them, "That bag stays with me!" They tried to make me 14 again. But I'm not going through that hell. - I'm staying 80. - That's nice. Here is a picture of my grandson, Billy. I go to school with him. He's a total douche. I know. - Steve! - He's not in the toolshed. But I did find your highschool yearbook. You show me which girls did that mean stuff to you. Was it this gymnastics girl? Right? Right? What about this girl? Did this girl walk in on it? Not now. Our little 80-year-old boy is out there, scared and all alone! - Have you seen Steve? - I dropped him off at the bus station. Did he say where he's going? He said he'll live out the rest of his days - in some retirement home. - What? Which one? The Cross Feed-in. I just made that up, I don't know. How could you? It was a real struggle. I wrestled with it. Not easy. Now, we can focus on my birthday. I want a bike, just like this one. Except not stolen from the kid down the street. Apparently, his nanny gave it to him. What she needs to give him is an ice pack, because I slapped him in the face. Wait, where are you going? Let's talk about my birthday! Well, that's it. I'm gonna spend my 1600th birthday alone. Just like a sequoia. Come on, I34! Steve Smith, have a telephone! Watch my card. And rub my lucky monkey. Before he picks the ball, not after. Doesn't good after. Steve, we finally found you! - What are you doing there? - I'm living here. I heard you and Mom talking about all that teenage stuff. I'm happy I skipped all that and now I get to relax here. Plus, there are shuffle boards, cards, someone's niece came in and played the harp, it was wonderful. That's crazy. We're coming down there with the shot. Come near me with that shot and I'll swallow the whole medicine cabinet. Uppers, downers, stool hardeners, stool softeners. My stools won't know what to do! But that will be the mortician's problem. He says growing up sounds too hard. He just wants to stay an old man. We've lost our son. Because of us, he missed out on his whole life. What are we gonna do? Who is this? No, Steve's not here. But don't worry. Everything's gonna be fine. Bravo, Aiden. Looks like everyone's having a fun time. - Are you a kid? - That'll do, Aiden. What What did you wait? A whole 6 years for a bouncy castle? Yeah, try 1600! - This should have been my party. - Mom! Your mama's dead, boy. I killed her. No, I didn't. I just I went too far. That wasn't cool. This is Steve's fault. He ruined my birthday. And I'm gonna make him pay. I'm gonna go get my face painted and then get the hell out of here. I've got arthritis. My cataracts are as thick as nickels. I'm a virgin. - We got to get you laid. - Road trip. Mom! Dad! Don't you come near me with that needle. Honey, we're just here to talk. I'm putting it on the ground. It stinks in here. It's just so unexpected. I mean, the outside is so nicely landscaped. Kick the needle over to me. Here it is. Nice and easy. It smells worse than that dumpster at the crab restaurant. Steve, we're so sorry. This is all our fault. We were only thinking of ourselves Now, I smell it! It's like an egg and garlic farted in a sulfer pit. There's like a heat behind it. We tried to deprive you of the most important years of your life. Just to make it easier on us. Yes, there's lots of bad stuff about puberty. But, there's good stuff too. Like what? See, Steve? Lisa Silver. And she's waiting for you. When she called the house, it made me remember that puberty wasn't all bad. There's stuff you don't want to miss. Your first school dance, getting your driver's license, going over to your best friend's house finding his mother ODed in the tub, or however you cop your first feel. Come on, Steve. What do you say? Give me the shot. Sorry I'm late. I lost track of time. I don't want to wait for our lives to be over Hey, everyone. Check it out! He's only got one pube! - And it's red! - Let's give him a swirlie! Wait! Please! We did say there were crappy times, right? Serves Steve right. Stealing my thunder. Still I can't believe everyone forgot my birthday. Not everyone. Yeah, you. Happy birthday, Roger. Make a wish. It already came true. I hate Steve so much.