Out with the Old, In with the Ed

''[Edd is writing on a clipboard. He checks a blueprint with a drawing of a floor plan on it and checks something off. He pulls out a stopwatch and looks at it.]'' Edd: "Commencing back-to-school simulation. And...time!" ''[Edd clicks the stopwatch on. He drops it into his shirt and pulls out a remote. With the press of a button, his door closes behind him. Edd then twists a clock 90º to the right without stopping. In front of him, a light pulls out from the ceiling and an arm holding a tied tie descends. Edd runs into the tie. He knots it, and a closet opens, revealing an orange coat. Edd puts it on and stops at the top of the stairs. The rug underneath him acts as an elevator. Edd is carried down. On the way, he grabs a briefcase. The rug reaches the ground floor and lets Edd off. Edd twists a statue's head as he runs by it. A closet door opens and the closet inside shifts to the left. A new one, filled with school supplies, appears. Edd starts to put supplies in his briefcase, but he suddenly stops and looks the closet over.]'' Edd: "The paper clips." [desperate] "I've forgotten the paper clips! Oh, curse those months of unrecommended summer irrationality!" ''[He slumps to the floor, pulls out the watch, and stops it. Edd then makes some marks on his clipboard.]'' Edd: "Sloppy sloppy sloppy." [He looks up at the calendar, surprised.] "July? Couldn't be." [His hat stands up.] "We should be in fall!" [He considers.] "Shouldn't we?"

''[Outside, Kevin runs by, clothed only in swim trunks. He raises a water balloon.]'' Kevin: "Too hot for you, Rolf?" [He throws it at Rolf.] "Better cool off, bro!" Rolf: "Okey dokey!" [Edd opens his door and steps out.] "Prepare for Rolf's water-laden bovine bladder!" ''[Rolf chases Kevin. Jonny and Plank run down a pole, whizz-whazzing.]'' Jonny: "Whizz, whizz it's time to whazz! Whizz, whizz it's time to whazz!" Sarah: [running through a sprinkler] "Whee! Microbursts!" Jimmy: "I love getting sprinkled, Sarah!" Edd: [confused] "But just yesterday, the air was cool. The leaves had turned color. Is that barbecue I smell?" ''[A swimming tire decorated to look like a hamburger is pulled down over Edd, and Edd is yanked off. He lands between Ed, who is spinning two "bun" tires. Ed slams the burger between the buns.]'' Eddy: [wearing a "Smooch the Cook" apron] "That's right, Sockhead. Now get out there and drum up some business." Ed: [handing over black, rubber patties] "Ready for sizzlin, boss!" ''[Ed heads behind the sign announcing the business and cuts up a tire, creating more patties. He looks for another tire. Finding none, he calls Eddy.]'' Ed: "Outta burgers, boss!" Eddy: "So? Get some more!" [He throws Ed out.] Edd: "Excuse me, Eddy, but I'm a trifle confused–" Eddy: [explaining Edd's role] "Burgers. Twenty-five. Cents. Eddy's. Summer. Barbecue. Got it? Now move it, we need customers!" Ed: "Got beef, Eddy!" [He comes back, carrying the axle of Rolf's tractor.] Eddy: "Thataboy, Lumpy!" Edd: [confused] "Could somebody please tell me what is going on here?" [He turns to Jonny, who is in line.] Jonny: "Nice hamburger costume. Not! Plank says Halloween's a long way away, Double D." Edd: "How can Plank be sure, Jonny? Does he know what month this is?" Eddy: [worried] "Uh hey, Jonny! What'll it be, hungry homber?" Jonny: "One veggie burger for me, Eddy! And Plank'll have two beef with lots of onions!" ''[Edd, suspicious, stumbles backwards. He sees an extension cord leading into a bank of bushes. He follows it into the bushes and pushes the foliage aside to reveal a heater.]'' Edd: "Domestic heat enclosure?" ''[Edd sees a set of vents leading through the cul-de-sac, often poorly disguised as speed bumps or garden separators. One vent, leading up a tree, blows a leaf off. Edd picks it up and wipes off the green to reveal the red beneath.]'' Edd: "Latex-based pigments?" ''[Edd looks up to see a fake bird next to a tape recorder chirping out birdcalls. The sky has grown dark.]'' Edd: "Of all the dishonest, false-hearted–"

Eddy: [serving customers] "Get 'em while they're sizzlin!" Rolf: "For Rolf, Ed-boy, cooked rare like Papa's chafed elbow!" ''[Rolf flips him a quarter and Eddy catches it. Eddy looks at his loot and sees the faked leaf, held up to his face by Edd.]'' Edd: "You're trying to fool everyone into thinking it's still summer, aren't–" [Eddy shoves his hands over Edd's mouth.] Rolf: [confused] "Summer? What? Hello?" [Sarah and Jimmy peek out from behind him.] Eddy: "Um...he said summer's super sweet!" [He drags Edd behind the sign.] Eddy: "Zip it, blabbermouth! You're gonna blow our cash cow! If summer never ends, then school never starts. And if school never starts, it's endless scamming, brother!" Jimmy: [offscreen] "I'm c-cold, Sarah!" [Above the cul-de-sac, storm clouds are gathering.] Jimmy: "W-what's happening?" [Rain starts to fall.] Eddy: [setting up a tent] "No big deal! Get em while they're hot!" ''[His heating system shorts out. Harsh winds begin to blow, and blow Jimmy away.]'' Jimmy: "Help! Sarah!" Sarah: "Jimmy!" Eddy: "Come back!" ''[The winds blow his tent away. Eddy desperately clutches at one leg, and is blown into a tree. He falls, and a tape recorder falls onto him.]'' Nazz: [struggling against the wind] "What is with this weather?" ''[The wind blows away a bank of bushes which were arranged to cover up three trashcans. One of the cans goes flying and lands on Kevin, dumping its contents all over the jock. The contents are a bunch of fall calendar pages. Kevin looks at the pile and picks one up.]'' Kevin: "September? It ain't summer, it's fall, man! Somebody swiped our calendars!" Rolf: "Son of a gun! Nipply Kevin speaks the truth!" Jonny: [unhappy] "Check it out, buddy! We missed Labor Day!" [to the cul-de-sac] "Plank's freaking out!" Nazz: "So doesn't school like start tomorrow?" Sarah: [freaking out] "School starts tomorrow?!?!?" [The kids run around randomly.] Sarah: "Pencils! Papers!" Jonny: "Binders Plank binders!" Kevin: "I gotta plan my lunches!" Nazz: "I'm so not ready!" Jimmy: "I still have last year's clothes!" Eddy: [whose apron now reads "Now I'm Mad"] "Forget about stupid school! It's summer I tell ya!" Rolf: "Double D Ed-boy!" [He grabs Edd.] "Rolf knows of your peculiar persnickety ways. Surely you have stored supplies for the upcoming months of instructional hardship." [to his friends] "The Ed-boy dwelling! Of course!" [The kids rush to Edd's house, intent on ransacking it.] Jonny: "Binders buddy, binders!" Rolf: "Stampede!" Edd: [running after them] "Cease! Desist! That's private property!"

''[The kids hammer on Edd's door. Suddenly, the hammering stops. A few seconds later, an axe breaks through the door. Rolf, crazed, leads the charge inside. Edd comes to the door, a horrified look on his face.]'' Edd: "Good lord! You didn't even wipe your feet!" ''[A few seconds later, the kids rumble out of his house, carrying numerous supplies. Ed and Eddy watch.]'' Ed: [excited] "Double D's giving stuff away, Eddy!"

''[Inside his house, Edd lies on the floor, trampled. He raises his head and sees that his closet of school supplies has been ransacked and stripped bare of its contents. Edd feels the shelves, hoping against hope that he will find even one sheet of paper, knowing all the while that he will find not even that.]'' Eddy: "What's this about you givin stuff away? How am I supposed to compete with that?!?" Edd: [shellshocked] "My school supplies! Gone! Pillaged! Plundered!" [He backs away from the empty closet.] "It can't be!" [Edd covers his eyes and then looks again.] "IT CAN'T BE!" ''[Edd falls to the ground, a quivering mess. He then stands up and pulls something from the seat of his pants.]'' Edd: "A highlighter pen?" [He looks at it.] "How am I supposed to take notes with a highlighter–" Ed: [jolly] "Double D, can I have your hat?" Edd: "Oh sure, why not! Why would I need a hat when school is now totally out of the question!" ''[He throttles Ed and throws him on top of Eddy. Edd then has an idea.]'' "Wait!" [to Ed] "You still have it, don't you? From your parents, yes? The back-to-school-sale coupon?" Ed: "Haven't got a clue what you're talking about, Double D! All I got is a back-to-school-sale coupon from my parents." [He pulls it out of his jacket.] Eddy: "That stupid thing's worthless! The signs are as clear as the gap in your teeth. School ain't meant to be. 'Cause it's summer baby!" ''[He does a knee slide. His apron now reads "I ♥ Summer".]'' Edd: [running to Ed] "Ed, please! I beg of you! I can't be at an academic disadvantage!" [Ed accidentally head butts Edd.] "Ouch. Without my school supplies, my grades are sure to plummet! That coupon you're flossing with can procure the supplies to cross that desolate desert of scholastic learning! Eddy: "Oh puh-leeze." Ed: "Sounds good to me, whatever you just said!" [Edd smiles and drags a pantless Ed out into the rain.] Edd: "Quickly, Ed! We have shopping to do!" Eddy: [apron now reading "School Stinks"] "Oh c'mon, guys! Forget school, willya? SUMMER AIN'T OVER!" [He throws off his apron. A breeze comes along and chills him.] "Brr!"

''[Ed opens the door of Lih's Supply Co. into his face three times. Edd gently tugs him to the right.]'' Edd: "Ed? You'd have much less bruising if you'd go around the door." [Ed enters the way Edd has indicated.] Edd: "Oh and don't forget the paper clips!" ''[A lawn chair flies down the street and hits him. The chair pops open, and Edd lands on it. Eddy sits beside his friend.]'' Eddy: "Will you quit wasting your time? Think of the scams we could be pullin right now!" Edd: "Time is one thing I cannot afford to waste, Eddy. Tomorrow is the first day of school, and I will enthusiastically embrace the first ring of its morning bell." Ed: "All done, Double D!" [He has two bags stuffed to the brim.] Edd: [thankful] "Bravo, Ed! You have no idea the burden lifted from my nonexistent shoulders." Ed: "For you! One bag of pancake mix." [He puts it in Edd's arms.] "One blender." [A toilet is given to Edd.] "One steppity-step." [a stepladder] "And a pencil." [An old, used pencil, teeth marks all over it.] Edd: "Ed, that pencil is riddled with teeth marks." Ed: "Why thank you." [He tucks it behind Edd's ear.] Eddy: "Well, good luck with those supplies, egghead, but summer's still on in my books. Lumpy and me are gonna squeeze every bit of fun out of it. School ain't cool, huh Monobrow?" Ed: "Squeeze me, Eddy!" [He holds his arms wide for a hug.] Eddy: "In your dreams." [He pushes Ed away.] Edd: "One must do with what one has, I suppose." [He looks at the pencil disappointedly.]

''[Eddy twists a faucet connected to a hose hard. A bunch of water begins moving. Ed and Eddy rush to their creation–a giant slide in the middle of the cul-de-sac. Eddy puts up a sign reading 25¢ a Slide and waits. The lights go out in all the houses, one by one. Eddy, annoyed, lifts his sunglasses and looks down.]'' Eddy: "Where is everybody? Sleeping already?" [to the neighborhood] "HEY! GET UP AND HAVE SOME FUN! AT ED'S SUMMER FUN TIME WATER PARK! ONLY TWENTY-FIVE CENTS!" [Edd opens his patched up door and looks out.] Edd: "Don't you think you two should get some rest? After all, sleeping in is a thing of the past. It's an early start to a brand new day, gentlemen. Night night." [He slowly shuts his door.] Eddy: "WAIT!" [He wedges himself in the crack between the door.] "How can you go to bed when the good times are happening right here, right now? Right Ed?" Ed: [shivering in the wind] "I c-can't feel my l-legs, Eddy." Eddy: "See?" [He gets back to the slide.] "Forget them, Lumpy! Come on! Race ya!" [He gets on the slide.] "Geronimo!" Ed: "Torpedo away!" ''[He runs into Eddy, and the scam collapses. Now floating in mid-air]'' "Wait for me, Eddy!" Eddy: "Double D! What'd I tell ya? Summertime good times or what?" ''[Ed lands on the pile of debris. Choking]'' "Good times. Yep." Edd: "Perhaps school will allow you two time to improve your construction skills! Sweet dreams!"

''[The moon goes down and the sun comes up as Ed and Eddy lie in the wreckage. Suddenly, the wreck starts moving. Eddy gets up and sees that they are in a wagon. Rolf is steering, and Edd sits beside Rolf.]'' Rolf: "Rolf had to use a trowel this morning to break away Rolf's eye crustacean." Edd: "Thank you for sharing that, Rolf." Eddy: [elbowing Ed] "Ed! Wake up!" [Jonny rides by on his scooter.] Jonny: "Woohoo! Race you to school, Kevin!" Kevin: [carrying Nazz on his handlebars] "Maybe at lunch, dude. Right now I'm just cruising." Edd: "Good morning, gentlemen! I've taken the liberty of cleaning and pressing your school attire." [He holds out their clothes.] "No thanks necessary." ''[Rolf draws the wagon to the school and parks it. Solemn, he turns to the Eds.]'' Rolf: "The days of reckoning are upon us, half-naked Ed-boys. It is here that we shall be mercilessly judged." [Rolf tromps up the steps slowly, afraid of the horror that lies beyond those brown doors in the sparkling white linoleum halls of learning, in the rows of scuffed lockers, and in the classrooms that bore rather than teach.] Eddy: "This stinks!" Edd: "Time for school now, Eddy. There's no getting around it. Coming Ed?" Ed: "Oh yes I am!" [dancing obliviously] "Stinky books, stinky books, stinky books, stinky books, stinky books." ''[The doors slam shut behind Ed and Edd. The warning bell rings.]'' Ed: "Hello bell!" ''[Ed runs up the stairs. Edd follows a little more demurely. Ed runs into a locker.]'' Ed: [shaking its lock] "Oh, hello locker!" [He follows the clean floor.] "Hello, shiny speckled floor!" Edd: [as Ed tries to hug the floor] "Isn't this exhilarating? You can feel the knowledge in the air!" Eddy: [sarcastic] "Yeah, call a nurse 'cause I'm choking on it." Edd: "Oh, look!" ''[Ed stands up. Edd is looking at a bulletin board.]'' "The homeroom postings! Shall we?" Eddy: [sarcastic] "Shall we?" ''[He looks at Ed. Ed is running in place excitedly.]'' Kevin: [to Rolf and Nazz] "Choice! We're all in the same home room!" [He sticks a "Kick Me" sign on Rolf.] Nazz: "Let's sit together like last year, okay?" [Kevin sends a spitball at Rolf.] Rolf: [as a paper airplane hits him by way of Kevin] "It is always good to have friends close by." [depressed] "In this, our time of fire." Edd: "Congratulations! Oh, I'm so happy for you! Together again for another year of resourceful rapture. Isn't this exciting?" Kevin: [walking away] "What a dweeb." [Nazz knocks his hat off.] Edd: [looking for his homeroom] "Yes!" [Jonny gets in the way.] Jonny: "Patrick, Peter, Phillip...Plank! See? I told you we'd be in the same class, worrywart!" Edd: [scanning the list] "Ah, there I am!" [He finds Ed.] "Ed." [worried] "Eddy! Oh my." [The Eds are all in different homerooms.]

''[Ed and Eddy are playing with pencils. Edd comes around, and they stop.]'' Edd: "Gentlemen. Gentlemen! I bear bad tidings! We three have been assigned separate homerooms!" Ed: [shocked] "We three?" Eddy: "Can't be." Ed: [crying] "Oh where, oh where, have my little chumps gone!" Eddy: [slapping Edd] "So now what, Einstein?" Edd: "Ouch." [He opens his briefcase and pulls out a file drawer.] "Well, I could requisition a change of class form from the district. With proper notaries and signatures from our parents, we could have a reassignment as soon as three to four weeks." Eddy: "Four weeks?!?" Lee: [offscreen] "What's your hurry, May?" Ed: "KANKERS!" May: "C'mon, let's see if they split us up this year!" Lee: "Like we care. Yo, Marie! When's the last time we went to class?" [The Eds hide in a locker.] Marie: "How should I know? Figure it out." May: [at the board] "Oh goodie goodie! We're in the same homeroom, guys!" [Lee punches her.] Lee: "Who cares, I said." Marie: "She's dumber than a truck tire, I swear." May: [racing after her sisters] "I love truck tires!" [Edd opens the locker door.] Edd: "Did you hear that, Eddy? The Kankers are together in the same homeroom!" Eddy: "So?" Edd: "If we just simply ask them to trade places with us, you, Ed, and I could be in the same class together." Eddy: "Are you nuts? Why would I want to do that?" Edd: "It's not like they would attend, but if they did, you would be in the same class as them, Eddy!" Ed: [despairing] "Happy together happily, guys!" Eddy: [convinced] "Uh...so what are we waiting for?"

''[The Eds tromp down the stairs towards the basement. They stop at the top of the stairs that lead to the boiler room. Edd places his case at the bottom of the stairs. Up close, the boiler room looks scarier; it is covered in more graffiti than an inner-city bus station. Edd's stepping stool comes out and the Eds perch on it. Inside are the Kankers, setting up their hangout for the school year.]'' May: "Hey! That chair's mine! It's got my gum stuck to the bottom of it!" Marie: [pulling the chair away] "That gum's mine, I was saving it for later!" Lee: "Quit fooling around and help me decorate! We got a full year of hooky ahead of us, girls." Eddy: [scared] "What'd they do with the janitor?" Ed: "Another cleaning man falls prey to their hunger that is evil." Edd: "Now, now, let's not get all dramatic. I'm sure if we advance with diplomacy, we will be reasonably safe to make...a...fair...proposal." [He trails off.]

[The boiler door opens, and Eddy holds Edd out over the stairs.] Eddy: "You first!" [He drops Edd down the stairs into the center of the Kankers.] May: "It's our boy toy, guys!" Lee: "Check 'im out, he must be good at gymnastics!" Marie: "Let's find out!" Edd: "WAIT!" [He holds up a covered plate.] "Um, tater tots?" Marie: "Hey, get outta my way!" ''[May and Marie snatch the food and fight over it. Edd stands next to Lee.]'' Edd: "Why, hello Lee. Um...my friends and I have been put in a precarious position. It...seems we've been placed in three separate homerooms." ''[Ed and Eddy watch from the door. Lee comes up to them.]'' "Normally I would go through proper channels, but I felt a more personal approach would be–" ''[Ed and Eddy fly through the air and land on Edd. Lee looks at Edd's contract.]'' Lee: "So you wanna switch places with us on the list, right?" Edd: [crushed under his friends] "I couldn't have said it better myself." Lee: "So what's in it for us?" Marie: "Oh, I know!" [She grabs Edd.] "I want a public declaration of my honey's love for me!" May: [rocking Ed] "Good one, Marie! I want everyone in school to know about me and Big Ed too!" Lee: "And Eddy's got me covered. You got yourself a deal, dreamboat!" ''[She twists a knob, and the furnace fires furiously. The Kankers stand in front of the flames and laugh.]''

''[Plank is stuck in a vending machine. Jonny gives him instructions.]'' Jonny: "Keep looking, buddy! I been hankering for a bag of nuts all day!" ''[Eddy taps Rolf on the shoulder. Rolf, Jonny, and Nazz turn to face him.]'' Eddy: "Hey. guys. Uh. Have you seen. My new. Girlfriend?" Kevin: "Dorky's got a girlfriend!" ''[The kids laugh. Eddy backs up, but Lee whistles to him from behind a locker. She holds a pair of scissors next to the contract.]'' Eddy: "Yeah, ain't she somethin?" [He pulls out a picture of Lee shaving her legs in the bathtub.] Kevin: "Cool." ''[May pushes Ed forward. Ed is wearing May's clothes. Nazz looks remarkably stunned by this.]'' Jonny: "Hiya Ed! Did your mom shrink your clothes in the wash too?" Ed: "Nope!" [reading cue cards] "I am ex-hib-it-ing my love for point at May. Because she is so cute. And has a perfect figure with great toot! Teeth." [to Eddy] "Am I a great reader or what?" Edd: [staggering out of the gym with Marie on his back] "My name is Edd with two D's, and I love Marie Kanker. Yes I do. Oh, there's nothing I like better than piggy-backing my gal, Marie Kank–" ''[Edd collapses. Marie gets off. The kids laugh. The bell rings, and the kids disperse, heading to their classes.]'' Jonny: "No use in laughing now, Plank, it's over." ''[Edd gets up. His friends stand by him.]'' Eddy: "There, happy? A deal's a deal." Lee: "Yeah, a deal's a deal. Right girls?" [She puts the contract on the briefcase.] Edd: "Thank you." [He hands Lee the pencil.] "Your signature on the dotted line, yes? And the homeroom number there." [The Kankers sign and walk off.] Lee: "They're so cute when they're serious." Eddy: [grabbing the contract] "Bingo!" Ed: "Together once again!" [He hugs his friends.] "I missed you guys." [He kisses Eddy's forehead.] Edd: "Shall we see what homeroom we'll reside in this year?" [Edd and Eddy get on Ed's back and ride him to their new home.] Edd: [musing] "Room two twelve. I'm not familiar with that class." [Ed stops suddenly, throwing them off.] Ed: "Found it!" [The Eds are indeed at the homeroom door.] Edd: [excited] "Our new homeroom! Oh, the joy of structured education!" [Eddy squirts some breath freshener into his mouth and the Eds enter.]

Eddy: "What kind of classroom is this?" ''[The class looks like a public restroom. Ed leaves a partially eaten apple on the countertop.]'' Eddy: "Where's all the desks? Bah, this is bunk!" Edd: [realizing] "WE'RE IN A GIRLS BATHROOM! Oh, this is forbidden! Close your eyes close your eyes!" Eddy: "Ed, you idiot!" Ed: "Been around the block now, Eddy." [A high-heeled shoe kicks the door open.] Lee: "Class is now in session! Students, be seated!" ''[Lee kicks the stalls, and the doors open. The Eds rush to sit on toilets. May and Marie wheel in a blackboard. May locks the door.]'' Lee: "Today's lesson: Touchy-Feely 101. But first–" [dragging the Eds out] "–a little visual aid. Assistants May and Marie! If you would be so kind." May: "Would I ever!" [May and Marie drag their chosen pupils into restroom stalls.] Edd: "Wait I–I haven't studied for this lesson!" [They begin to kiss.] Ed and Edd: "RUN AWAY!" Ed: "Holy smoly!" Eddy: [petrified] "Okay, that's it! I'm telling the teacher on you!" Lee: "I'm all ears, my little teachers pet." ''[Lee cackles and shoves Eddy into a stall. Outside, the sign falls off the door, revealing it as it really is: a girls' bathroom.]''