My Affair Lady

So, how much weed do you want to buy? Buy? Aren't you gonna give me some? Come on, we've been making out all night. No. I'm a drug dealer. I only make out with customers to make sure they're not cops. Cops can't legally make out with people they're not in love with. Look, I don't have any money right now 'cause I recently became unemployed five years ago. No job? What a loser. You're what's wrong with this country. Well, what's wrong with drugs is they go straight to your head. [ Scooter engine revs ] [Tires screech ] [ Gasps ] I stayed under for five minutes, and I saved the bag of weed. Winner, winner, weed for dinner! Oh, Hayley, look at you. All-time low. What? No, that's my best day in Oh, my God. A drug dealer called me a loser. For the fourth time in three months. This one feels like rock bottom. It is. But lucky for you, I'm working out a new persona. Lavarr Crush, life coach. What do you do when life gets you down? Crush it. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Like I said, I'm working it out. Arbuckle T. Boone, life coach. Who'd you used to be with? Lavarr Crush? Lavarr Crush is shit. I went to life-coach school with him. He's a hack. Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the American race oh, boy, it's swell to say good -- Good morning, U. S. A. I'm always interested to know how applicants hear about our company. Well, it's, um, it's kind of embarrassing, but, um wellI have a life coach, and he said you were hiring. That is embarrassing. But we are hiring. And we only hire the best. Hmm. You're not the best. Sir, m-my rÃ©sumÃ© may be short on experience, and it might not be my name on the top, and I'm not as familiar with Windows 95 as that person is But as long as you don't have me making rÃ©sumÃ©s, you will not regret this. You're passionate. You remind me of a younger me. Sure, my hair was a little longer and my Ann Taylor suit a little more maroon, but everything else is a dead-on match. You're hired. Now, about your pay. I'm hoping this might entice you to come aboard. Whoo-hoo! Record greeting at the beep. [ Beep ] You've reached Hayley Smith's office. Please leave a message at the beep. Ugh, boring. [ Beep ] [ As Mr. T ] Hey, fool, this is Mr. T, and I pity you if you don't leave a message for Hayley. [ As Gilbert Gottfried ] This is Gilbert Gottfried, and I agree. You must be the new hire. And I must say, your Gilbert Gottfried isflawless. Hi. Y-yes. Hayley is me. Ax Jenkins. Just wanted to welcome you to the company. Here's everything you need to know. Mary is sweet, but she'll talk your ear off. That's Carl. He denies it, but we're pretty sure he's one of the jerky boys. And everyone hates Andrew. I don't know why. Someone told me that when I first started, so I just went with it. He is the worst. Anyway, welcome to corporate America. See you for cake during your birth month. Thanks. Hey, there. I'm Andrew. Yeah, nice try. You're gonna fit in great here. I'm not sure about this dance. I don't think my date really wants to go with me. Steve, it's a mother/son dance. Of course she wants to go. Oh, mother, you look so beautiful. Yeah, yeah. Let's just get this over with. Can't believe I'm going to a dance with a nerd. Your chariot awaits. I'm gonna totally nail your date later. I'm so happy you got a job. Another Arbuckle T. Boone success story for the first time. Oh, it's great. There's a whole room full of markers you can huff. And I even met a cute guy. Oh, a cute co-worker. Sounds like you're following my system to a "T. " That's the "T" in Arbuckle T. Boone. Step one is a job. Step two is a man. Step three is a baby with that man so you can quit step one. It's just three steps. You can really wrap your head around it. Unlike all those other systems. I don't know. I-I just got my first real job. I mean, should I really be messing around with one of my co-workers? I'm your life coach. This is life. Have I steered you wrong yet? It's true. You got to play the hot hand, Hayley. He's batting a thousand. He's one for one. And I'm always afraid that when I turn on my car, it's gonna blow up. And when it doesn't, it's like, "Wow, Mary! The world does want you here. " Hey. Since you don't know where everything is yet, I brought you some coffee. Oh, thanks. Just trying to impress the only girl in the office who looks good in a business suit. Well, this is what 40 bucks gets you at sears. Well, this and two tires. Brenner: Attention, everyone. I have a big announcement to make. So maybe stop stuffing your fat face for one second and listen, Andrew! It's come to my attention that, as of this quarter, we have dropped to the number-two industrial-solvent distributor in East Chimdale. Number two. Which is also known as shit! [ Gulps ] But I'm not mad. We just need to get back on top. So, I'm taking the company on a corporate retreat to Belize, leaving now. Food, clothing, necessities, everything will be provided. I even got banana chips for the plane. Whoo! Whoo! Man: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That's so great! [ Whistles ] [ Telephone rings ] Fisher automotive, Trish speaking. Hey, Roger. So, I think I may be moving on to step two. Please hold for Arbuckle. [ Phone beeps ] Arbuckle here. What am I hearing about step two? Well, my company's going on a corporate retreat to Belize. Sounds like you're moving on to step three, girl. You do know what Belize's number-one export is? Sugar cane? Sex memories. I mean, I definitely like him. And it would be fun to hook up in a foreign country that isn't Mexico. You know what? I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go for it. She's gonna sleep with Ax. Ooh, this is so exciting. No girl forgets the 88th time she has sex. [ Katrina and the Waves' "Walking on Sunshine" plays ] Mmm, yeah I used to think maybe you loved me now, baby, I'm sure and I just can't wait till the day when you knock on my door [ Taser clicking ] [ Both laugh ] Now every time I go for the mailbox gotta hold myself down Hey, you. I was wondering where you were. Is this seat -- Taken! I already called her as a plane buddy. Our bodies will melt together if the plane blows up. Okay. I'll see you when we land. Love him. He's handsome, funny, and he works like the rest of us even though his family is super rich. There's not a doubt in my mind -- he is one of the world's most eligible bachelors. Yeah. He is pretty great. His wife's one lucky woman. Wife?! Yep. Hey, can you help me with this crossword clue? What does the word "eligible" mean? Oh, and also "bachelor"? Hey, is everything all right? You didn't say a word to me the whole trip here. Well, I figured if you wanted to talk, you could have called your wife. Can you "Belize" we made it? Go [bleep] yourself. [ Cellphone rings ] Hello? Hi. I'm calling on behalf of Mr. Boone. He's wondering if anything went down between you and Ax. Yeah, it's not gonna happen. He's married. What?! He's married? That's a deal breaker. Give me that! Arbuckle here. So what if he's married? Lots of us are married. You're married. All the good ones are married. Haven't you heard that? It's not happening, Roger. Look, I'm mad enough I even let myself like this guy. I'm your life coach. I've drawn up the play. Run it. Hit a home run into the winning basket. Five points. [ Cellphone beeps ] Okay, that was super rude. Hey, there he is! Fun dance last night, huh, kiddo? Oh, was it? Was it a fun dance? Well, yeah. I thought we had a wonderful time. No, you had a wonderful time 'cause you stole my date! You made me look like an idiot. I was the only boy not dancing with his mother! Counterpoint -- I was the only chauffeur who got laid last night. Ohhh! I'm throwing away your business card! [ Sobs ] And what about mark? His mom died in a fire. He had to dance with his court-appointed guardian. I refuse to feel bad about this. This company retreat is all about getting us back to number one. Number one! So does anyone have any suggestions? Um, I think we need more honesty between co-workers. Honesty. Eh. Okay. I'll start. I don't know what grapes are. Who's next? Go quick. I'm feeling very vulnerable. Listen, Hayley, my wife and I haven't been intimate for a long time. There are reasons why I can't leave her, but it is a marriage in name only. I really like you, and I think if you got to know me, you'd like me, too. I'm sorry, Ax. You're married. I ca-- I can't do it. Just do it! That's the mantra of our next speaker, Nike chairman Mr. Phil Knight. [ Half-hearted applause ] Just do it, Hayley! And others. Hey, you're not Phil Knight. That's right. I'm gonna need a new check made out to Arbuckle T. Boone, life coach to the stars. I'm the man who keeps the cast of "Melissa & Joey" from killing themselves weekly. [ Murmuring ] Now, let's pair up. [ Scoffs ] What are you doing? I got you the job. Now I'm getting you the man. You and you, you're a team. And you owe me $80,000. I'll take that in hams. I'm gonna start a ham business. Unless you've already written the check. Check's probably better than hams. You know what? I'll take either one. Money, hams, whatever you got on you. I really shouldn't negotiate when I'm hungry. Trust who do ya? Trust what makes you a real lover? Trust I put this question to you, girl 'cause I want you to be with me love you cannot imagine how much I want to give to you hot gettin' so excited just thinkin' about all we could do dig it now [ Hayley and Ax laughing ] [ Breathlessly ] So, this is me. And, uh Oh, I'm right next door. Yeah. Our -- our doors are -- are really close together. It's almost like they're kissing. Hope they don't run off in the night together and someone comes and murders us. Yeah. [ Both chuckle ] Right? I guess we should say good night. Yeah. I-I think we probably should. Wellgood night, then. What? Sorry? You say something? Oh, no. Sorry. I-I thought you -- Oh, no. No, I, uh Okay. Don't freak out. Aah! Okay, I told you explicitly not to freak out. Speaking of not listening to me, why are you not next door grinding the Ax? Ha! I just thought of that. Sometimes they just come to me. I call them little gifts from the universe. She's not with him because she knows it's wrong. I'm beginning to think -- and I'm loath to say this, because I don't want people to say, "Klaus is a hater. " I get enough of that crap as it is. But I'm beginning to think Arbuckle T. Boone is not a good life coach. Hater! [ Gasps ] You know, so what if he's married? I-I'm married, but Jeff's up in space. I deserve to have someone I like. On earth. Ugh, just go do it already. Oh, and record it. Just the audio. I got plenty of video, short on audio. Need more audio. Roger, how can you encourage Hayley to have an affair? Cheating is wrong. Yeah. Naming a man "Courtney" is wrong. A blond Asian is wrong. Cheating is fun. It most certainly is not fun. I knowbecause I've been on the other side. You see, I was once cheated on. Elsa was my first love. We met at university. You mean you met in college. You're in the states now. Say it the right way. [ Sighs ] So, Elsa and I met at university. Oh, I hate it! We were in love, she and I. And she supported me through years of constant ski-jump training. The Olympics. That's where I was going to propose to her. But I had no idea that the Olympic village would be a roiling cesspool of infidelity. Perfect humans with perfect bodies getting whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it. I would never wish what happened next on my worst enemy. Walking in on my girlfriend with the entire east German bobsled team. Man: Push! Push! Push! Lean left! Right! Left again! Faster! Elsa: Not too fast! Man #2: Okay, everyone think about luge. I was devastated. So that's why you can't be with a married man. Roger, what are you doing? Calling my 4-year-old nephew to tell him he's no longer the worst storyteller I know. Hayley, do you like this guy? Yeah. B-but -- So he's married. That's not your problem. That's his life coach's problem. All I'm saying is, where did not sleeping with married men get you? Running from drug dealers. So, go next door and get yours. Which is someone else's. [ Both moaning ] You're amazing. I know this is crazy, but it just feels so right. Let's get you out of those wet clothes. What? Aah! [ Laughs ] Oh, my God. What the hell's that? Oh, the tattoo. Yeah, that's my wife. Don't worry. The way I have sex, you won't be seeing her much. That's your wife? That's who you're married to? Yes, that's Rosalyn. Of course, that's her in her prime. Before the accident. So, you -- you live with your wife? Likeall the time? Yeah. I mean, much of the time she's out of town for her experimental treatments. There it is. Question -- so, before the accident, this, uh, worked for you? Yeah. I mean clearly, I have a type. [ Door slams ] You're the wife?! Oh, you saw the tattoo. But that means you got him naked! Huh. You know, I'm surprised you're a have-sex-with- the-lights-on person. Well, I don't care how disgusting it was as long as there was It didn't happen! Roger, what the hell is going on?! Okay, how far back do you want me to go? To when I pretended to be a life coach to get you a job so you could meet Ax? Or all the way back to when I married Ax for his money but had to sign a prenup that would only be voided if he cheated on me? Oh, look, I told both stories! See, Klaus? That's how you tell a story. Ugh! I can't believe you, Roger. This was never about me getting my life back on track. Oh, it's always about you. What about Rosalyn's life? [ Door slams ] Can't she win one for a change? Wait. Who's Rosalyn? RosalynRosalyn Yes, right. I was at your wedding. Ohh I owe you guys a present. Yeah. I know I keep coming back here, but it's not to put any pressure on you. It's just I ate something that didn't agree with me at the goodbye buffet, and I ruined the facilities up front. Like, if there was an air marshall I would be in custody for the bombs I brought on board. You look amazing. [ Stomach gurgles ] Ohh! Ax, get out of here before you crap your pants. Wow. Most couples never achieve that level of honesty. You two obviously have something. I would also have something if you sleep with him. Cash. Dolla, dolla bills. No. I'll give you a 50% cut. I don't need your money. I have a job. Brenner: Listen up, everybody. So, I got kind of a weird announcement. Turns out, taking all your employees on a vacation and blowing 80 grand on hams is not a smart way to deal with a bad quarter. So, after giving it a lot of thought, everyone sitting on the right is fired. [ Left side ch ] Oh, sorry. I meant my right. [ Right side cheer] Look at her, Klaus. Right back at rock bottom. No man, no job, no money. She liked the guy, too. Take me out of the picture, and they might have gotten together anyway. Fine. I'll sleep with Ax to void your prenup. [ Gasps ] She's gonna do it, she's gonna do it [ Normal voice ] Okay. Give me a head start so I can be there to catch you red-handed. Hey, check it out. Looks like somebody had a good time in Belize. [ Both moaning ] Oh, Andrew. Oh. [ Snorts, giggles ] [ Engine turns over ] Man: Mary killed Andrew! Woman: Whoo! Man: #2: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ Slow music playing ] Dad. What are you doing? Making things right. Oh, my God. Really? Oh, my God. I saved the last dance for you, Steve. [ Voice breaking ] I just need a moment. [ Sniffles ] I'm ready. Welcome to the O. C., bitch. [ Knock on door ] Hayley. Hi, Ax. I'm -- I'm so sorry I ran off when I saw your tattoo. That was a mistake. But I-I came back because I really care about you. That's great. I care about you, too. No, I-it's not great, because there's something I need to tell you. [ Inhales deeply ] I've been having an affair with your wife. What? Rosalyn? But how? She's been in an iron lung since she choked on a pixy stick and paralyzed her diaphragm. She just lies there, mute. Ax, she's lying to you. You know how she goes away for "experimental treatments"? Those are our getaways. Let's just say the treatments areextremely experimental. ButRosalyn isso frail. She really perks up once you get her out of the iron lung. Stop! You'll kill her. Ugh, forget it. Oh, this was a waste of eight years. Thanks, Hayley. If you want a ride home, I'm leaving now. He's my ride. He? Hi, this is Elsa. And Peter. And Hans. And Tolhans. And Lars. And Hans Junior. And Peter Junior. And little Tolhans. And Bucksled. Leave a message! Uh, yes, this message is for Hans Junior. Your mom is a total slut.