Tom's Divorce

Leslie. What's up, Ron? I'm gonna need you to go up to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles on the fourth floor. We gotta talk ourselves out of this late registration fee for the Parks van. Come on. I don't want to go to the fourth floor. That is the creepiest place on Earth. The fourth floor is awful. The DMV, divorce filings, probation offices. Ugh! They put a popcorn machine up there just to brighten things up, but they used the wrong kind of oil, and a bunch of people had to get their throats replaced. They'll only talk to you or me, and I can't go, because I don't want to. Okay. Hey, boo. You're pretty. Uh Thank you, sir. Hey, girl. Are you on probation? I got clean urine. You need female? I got female. I'm good, thank you. Hey, you clean? I buy, too. Order. Order! Next case. Indiana vs I know, I'm just telling you. Tom and Wendy? Popcorn? So, Tom, how's everything in your life, generally? Amazing. Took a risk. Bought some shoes online. Paid off handsomely, as you can see. Uh-huh. And how are your institutions, that you're a part of? Ah. You heard about my divorce? I saw you on the fourth floor. I'm so, so sorry. Honestly, it's fine. Lasted longer than Avril Lavigne and the guy from Sum 41, am I right? I don't know what those are. Look, Tom, stop working. Whoa! Would have been nice to have saved that. You should've auto-saved that. Right. That kind of feels like your fault. Look, I've heard your voice when she calls you on the phone. I've seen you look at her ass when she leaves the room. You love her. Leslie, I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but I'm fine. Look, look at my face. Are you watching? I did a little research, and divorce is the number two most stressful event in a person's life. Of course, marriage is number seven. So, watch out, everyone. It's all bad. We have to step up, for Tom's sake. I think Tom seems fine. Well, that is the problem. Tom always seems like Mr. Slickster Cool Guy, but he's actually hiding his emotions underneath a very thick layer of Axe body spray. We have to help him. We are his safe bubble. She's kind of right. None of his family lives here, and all of his friends are frat guys and morons. This seems like none of our business. Be supportive, okay? Don't be all, like, "No, I don't want to. "I am a guy and I like fire and playing hockey and eating meat! "No, no, says I!" That was a really good Ron. Thank you. I don't know how to explain Hey, Mark. The shoeshine stand still doesn't have that syphilis medication you were asking about. Ann, hey! What a coincidence! Are you in this office purely for business reasons? Pleasure, actually. My boyfriend Mark works here. He's sitting right next to me. Hey, Andy. What a surprise, running into you all day, every day, every single place that we are. Likewise. Well, I guess I'll see you guys around. See you. Oh! Uh, also, Mark, again, we don't have those extra-small condoms you ordered. I called the factory, it's gonna take a special order. Not just because of the size, but because of the weird shape as well. Something they've never dealt with before. We'll talk. Mark never asked me for any small, weirdly-shaped condoms. I made that up. Every day, I subtly chip away at their relationship. Weakening it, little by little. Where's Tom Haverford? For sake. So, you had a divorce, of course, of course And no one enjoys a divorce, of course I don't know what to do, man. I can't be like, "Hey, Leslie, it's a green card marriage, I'm fine. " You know, Leslie just thinks you're a wounded animal, so her female instincts are kicking in. Here's what you do. Act sad, let her pull the thorn out of your paw and wrap a bandage around it. That'll make her feel better. She'll get off your jock. You still can't tell anyone about the green card thing. Apparently you can get in trouble even after a divorce. Damn the man. Well, hey, your secret's safe with me. Thanks, Rondoleezza Rice. Okay, everyone. The rumors are true. Wendy and I are splitting up. Yeah, I'm really hurt. I'm so sorry you feel that way, little friend. Why don't we go out tonight, hit the town after work, huh? We'll make it Tom's night. You can go anywhere you want, our treat. Oh, I know there's a really fun documentary about tandem bicycles at the art house. It's supposed to be pretty unapologetic. Or we could go to a restaurant Strip club? Did somebody say strip club? No Did somebody say strip club? You did. I definitely heard someone say strip club. You just did. Would the Glitter Factory be okay with whoever suggested strip club? I don't think that's a good idea, Tom. There is a great dinosaur-themed restaurant in Patterson. It is called Jurassic Fork. I have gone there three times a week for the last 15 years. Ooh! Dinosaurs, huh? All right. Sounds okay. Okay! It's gonna be a crazy night, guys! I will see you at Jurassic Fork at 5:45 p. Yes. Hi. Welcome to Jurassic Fork, where the only thing that'll be extinct is your appetite. You ready to order? Yes. I will have the Jamaican Jerk Chicken Veloci-Wrap. I'm gonna get the Tricera-chops, please. How do you want that cooked? Medium roar. Medium rare? No, medium roar. For legal reasons, we're not allowed to make puns about the temperature of the meats anymore. I'll have the surf-and-turf-a-saurus, and a couple of bottles of wine. I'm gonna need a lot of wine, so keep it flowing. I'm not gonna be drinking anything. Just wanted everybody to know that. I'm not a big fan of group dinners where everybody splits the bill no matter what they get. I ordered a Tyranna-Caesar salad, and that's all I'm paying for. Hey, check it out. They got pool. Mark, you want to play a quick game? Finally settle the debate about who's the better pool player? I've never had that debate with anyone, Andy. Come on, we'll put a little money on it. Make it a little more interesting. Andy, please. No, I just figured because pool is all about angles and he's a failed architect that he might want to play pool. Let's do it. Really? That worked? How to hustle somebody in pool, by Andy Dwyer. Step one, find the person you want to hustle. Invite them to play pool. Should they accept, you're in. Here's what I think we should do. Everyone should go around and say one thing that they love about Tom. I'll start. I really wish I could have your body. What? Ew! Like, tied up, naked, in your basement? No, no. I mean, you're in good shape and you can eat whatever you want. Well, that was weird, Jerry. Ann, you go ahead. I think Tom is really nice. Also, if you guys want to give me your credit cards, I'll just divide it up myself, I don't mind. Oh, my God! Don't worry about it. The restaurant will just divide it evenly. Just enjoy yourself. April, go ahead. Tom is the only cool person in the office. Ridiculous. Donna? I love you, Tom. You're my little prince. I just want to put you in a little cape and a little hat and just fly you around. Thank you, Donna. Hey, garçon. I'm still feeling pretty sad. Can I get two crème brûlées and another glass of bronto grigio? I thought I had Tom all figured out, but it's almost like he's faking being sad. Why would he do that? And that's game. I think you now owe me $25. Shoot. Someone had a pool table growing up, huh? Hey, no, no. What do you say we play again? We'll make it a little more interesting. Go double or nothing? Why not? Step two. Lose to your opponent intentionally so they gain confidence. Step two has been completed easily. Very easily. Mark is pretty good at pool. So, how are you feeling, Tom? Are you feeling okay? I like pretending to be sad. I now see why girls do it. So, your arrangement with Wendy, it really was completely platonic? Yeah. Never so much as even kissed, except for a little peck at the wedding ceremony for appearances. Uh, now that you're getting divorced, I sort of feel like there may be some potential with me and Wendy. Would it be okay with you if I was to ask her out, once the fake dust settles? Yeah, why not? Sure. Looking at her, I feel like she might be the perfect spooning size for me. I'm gonna take a leak. Oh! That would be $6,400. I accept checks and most major credit cards. Yeah! Mark is way better than me. I'm gonna I'm gonna say that there is at least a chance that I didn't think this through completely. I think I'm done, Andy. Okay. Forget money. We'll play for something else. You have nothing else to give me. I have a T-shirt I tackled Eddie Vedder in. It's literally priceless. Okay, how about this? If you win, you don't owe me any money, but if I win, you have to stop bugging me and Ann. What are you talking about? No more comments, no more showing up when we're hanging out together. You have to leave us alone. That doesn't seem like a very fair bet, Mark. So, if I win, I also get Ann. Okay, fine. If you win, then you get Ann. Rack them up! Somebody punch someone! So, how you doing, buddy? Want some steak? Champagne? Think of something extravagant and we'll get it for you. What do you want? A cheese fountain? A ruby? A goose heart? How about a marriage? How about a non-divorce? Tom, I'm sorry. Maybe you guys just need some time apart, you know, to remember how much you care about each other. Leslie, think about it. Does our marriage really make sense to you? She's a tall, beautiful surgeon. I'm a short, beautiful government employeelclub promoter. You're a club promoter? Aspiring. The point is, I never meant anything to her. It wasn't even a real marriage. Now, the sadness is pouring out of Tom, like blood from a pterodactyl after it's attacked by a T-Rex. I have to take him to a place where he can't possibly be sad. Oh, crap. We are going to the Glitter Factory. What? Not me. I can't go back there. But if you see Jasmine, tell her she can keep Anthony, but I want my microwave back. Okay, good. You're gonna take April home. No, I want to go to the Glitter Factory. Well, drop out of school and start doing meth. Let's go, everybody. Leslie, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but once you go in there, you will see things you cannot un-see. I'm a feminist, okay? I would never, ever go to a strip club. I've gone on record that if I had to have a stripper's name, it would be "Equality. " But I'm willing to sacrifice all that I've worked for just to put a smile on your perverted little face. So don't blow this. All right. Okay! Lap dances are on me. I mean, I'm paying for them. They're not gonna actually be on me. Got it. I kind of feel like Jane Goodall studying the chimps, you know? 'Cause there are some feminist scholars who say that stripping is a feminist act. There is a girl here that also works at Quiznos. She's really nice to me here, but really mean to me at Quiznos. Okay, Tom, go put these in places I do not approve of. Leslie, I'm gonna put these in places you've never heard of. Yeah, I've been a little down. Totally natural. I'm getting divorced. But now, I'm ready to pull myself up by some g-strings. God! It is rough in here. Is it always like this? I wouldn't know. Don't like strip clubs. Smells like a wet mop in here. And I get the feeling that every one of these women is running a low-grade fever. You're one of the good ones, Ron. Wait a minute. Hello, beautiful. Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt-of-the-earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field. Your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopeses. But I will take a free breakfast buffet any time, any place. Tomcat, pull up a mouth. This buffet is unstoppable. Yeah, I'm not hungry. By the way, you're doing a bang-up job of looking sad about Wendy. Does she make scrambled eggs? No. Take it down a notch. You already won your Oscar, DiCaprio. Coming on stage next is Angel. Angel! Ann, in case I don't sink this, it's been a real pleasure dating you. Scratch on the eight! I'm victorious. I am awesome at pool and I hustled your ass. Ann, take a moment to say goodbye. I don't even know how to say this. I am so sorry, and I will do my best to visit you on holidays. Thanks, you tried. I guess you're his now. Do you want to get out of here? I do. Yeah. Bye, Andy. I know that, legally, Ann is now mine, but it weirdly doesn't feel that way. All right, Tom! This is Seabiscuit. Sierra. Sierra. Sorry. It's loud in here. And I gave her money to writhe around on your parts. Leslie, I don't want to do that. Well, I already paid her. Can I get my money back? No. Okay, so let her do her writhing. All right. I just gotta say, Sierra. I really don't get why this cheers men up, because it's very insincere and it's very fleeting. But go crazy, okay? Give my friend here the works. Really grind the sorrow out of him. You got it. And then, afterwards, maybe reconsider your profession, but for now, grind away. Whoo! Stripper dancing action! This isn't working. I don't want to do this. Is it because you have a strong, positive female figure watching you? No. It's because I'm miserable. Okay. Never mind. Thank you, Seabiscuit. That'll be all. All Glitter Factory girls, please come backstage. Tom. I don't know what's wrong with me. This is honestly the saddest I've ever been. Glitter Bomb! Ah! I've been to the Glitter Factory a million times. That girl up there, she's my emergency contact. But right now, I hate it here, and I just want to see Wendy. Tom, it's perfectly normal to feel devastated when something's over. It's exactly how I felt when that Planet Earth series ended. Sixty days. And then she's free to marry Ron Swanson. What? Ron? He's gonna ask her out. He told me. But who cares? If it's not him, it'll just be some other guy. Swanson! Did you tell Tom that you were gonna ask out Wendy? It's complicated. What is wrong with you? I wish I wasn't alive to hear myself say this, but I am ashamed to be your deputy. I don't get men. If they're not wagering their girlfriends in pool, then they're trying to steal each other's wives. It makes you question the whole notion of those bromance movies. Tom. Great! Good, okay. Could you carry him out of here, please? And, you know, also maybe not have sex with his wife? Thanks. From the knees. He weighs eight pounds. Oh! Oh. Oh, boy. Hi, Wendy. We took Tom out tonight, and he had a little bit too much to drink. Oh! Okay. Come on in. Oh, my God. You insensitive little hussy. Excuse me? Leslie, whoa. Halt. You're not even divorced yet and you're inviting other men over? You were married? Uh Technically. Yeah, that's That's my husband. Who's he carrying? No. No, that's his That's his boss. My husband's the one that's being carried by his boss. How's it going? Good. You know what, Wendy? You and Ron will be perfect for each other. You two should get married and start a club for people who betray Tom Haverford. You have a lovely home. So, where do you want this? So, how you feeling? Rough morning? You know those hangover pills you can order on TV? Mmm. I threw up a bunch of them this morning. I feel much better. I know last night was really rough, but all I want for you is to be able to get over this. Leslie, I need to tell you something. Okay. Uh The reason I was acting weird yesterday was Wendy and I have a green card marriage. Oh, my God, because you're a Libyan! No. Damn it. Wendy's from Canada. Oh! Oh. Okay. Wait. Start again. This Hey, Ann. Mark. You guys got a second? It's about last night. I hope I'm not gonna have to explain to you that you don't actually own me. Of course not. I never for one second thought that that was for real. Look, you don't have to worry about me bothering you anymore. You clearly have something going, and I should respect that. Okay. If you say "psych" right now I'm gonna be really pissed. You remembered how much I like to say "psych. " But no, no. This is no psych. Andy, thank you for saying all that just now. Sure. Goodbye, A-Cakes. Hello, Ann. Goodbye, Ann. Goodbye, Andy. Oh, oh. I thought for a second you were gonna chase after me right there, but you didn't, and that's okay. I meant every word I said. Aw, you like your wife? That's a bummer. Does anyone else know that you like your wife? Does your wife know that you like your wife? I didn't know until yesterday. So don't tell anyone. Don't tell Ron. It's my problem. How could there possibly still be glitter on me? It takes forever to get off. My crotch looks like a disco ball. Leslie's sorry She called you selfish, of course She just didn't know the full story, of course But now that she does She's sorry, of course She loves being your deputy