The Tangible Affection Proof


 * Raj: Can I have your attention please? We’re all here tonight because we have no one to be with, but this doesn't make us mutants. The only mutants here are in these comic books. Let us stop defining our self-worth by whether or not we’re in a relationship. You know what I see when I look around? I see a room full of great people. So let’s give ourselves a break. We are a community and as long as we have each other we’re never truly alone.


 * Leonard: You know what. That was pretty crappy of you. All I wanted to do was give you a great night and it’s like you went out of your way to destroy it.
 * Penny: Yep. I know. I’m a total bitch.
 * Leonard: I’m not saying that.
 * Penny: Well, I am.
 * Leonard: Well. Fine you win. You’re a bitch. Why couldn't we just have a nice time?
 * Penny: I don’t know. Maybe because things are going so well between us lately and I’m been really happy.
 * Leonard: O.K. You’re going to have to make a lot more sense than that.
 * Penny: Obviously I have some commitment issues.
 * Leonard: We’re in the obvious. Go on.
 * Penny: As long as things keep going great between us, you’ll keep asking me to marry you and eventually I’m going to end saying yes then we’re going to be married forever and the whole think just freaks me out.
 * Leonard: O.K. I know I propose a lot so how about this. I promise I will never ask you to marry me again.
 * Penny: What? What do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?
 * Leonard: No. No, no, no, no, no. But if someday you decide to you want to get married, you have to propose to me.
 * Penny: Really?
 * Leonard: Yes. All on you. But I got to tell you when the time comes I want the whole nine yards. I want you down on one knee, flowers; I want to be swept off my feet.
 * Penny: You got it.
 * Leonard: And I’m cool with surprises, but nothing on the Jumbotron. I don’t to cry on a big screen like that.
 * Penny: O.K. You know what, this might be the wine talking, but I have a very important question to ask you.
 * Leonard: You do?
 * Penny: Leonard Hofstadter.
 * Leonard: Yes.
 * Penny: Would you be my valentine?
 * Leonard: Sorry, maybe next year. I’m just kidding. Romance ninja! Let’s have sex! Wo-ah! [Penny laughs and they kiss.]


 * Sheldon: Ah, Alex, excellent. I have a research problem that I believe you can help with.
 * Alex: Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you. I've been waiting for an opportunity to contribute to your scientific work.
 * Sheldon: Oh, no, no. That’s not going to happen, no. What I need you to do is find a Valentine’s gift for my girlfriend.
 * Alex: You realize I passed up an opportunity to work at Fermilab to take this job with you.
 * Sheldon: Well, I guess those chaps will have to have someone else buy their girlfriends presents. Now, here is, let’s see, this is, this is about two thousand dollars, um, I think she likes monkeys and the color grey. Contribute to my work. Ah, kids say the darndest things.


 * Amy: And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I canceled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day.
 * Sheldon: What is that?
 * Amy: By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things.
 * Sheldon: Really?
 * Amy: Well, that’s what you’d love, isn't it?
 * Sheldon: More than anything.
 * Amy: Well, then, that’s what we’re going to do.
 * Sheldon: Well, I don’t know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone’s ever given me. And that’s including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.
 * Amy: I’m your girlfriend. That’s my job. And I know gift-giving puts a lot of pressure on you, so whatever you got me, you can return.
 * Sheldon: No. No, after everything you didn't do for me tonight, I want you to have it.
 * Amy: What’s this?
 * Sheldon: Read it.
 * Amy: Sheldon Cooper, Cal Tech University employee information?
 * Sheldon: At the bottom.
 * Amy: In case of emergency, please contact… Amy Farrah Fowler. And there’s my phone number. This is the most beautiful gift you could've ever given me.
 * Sheldon: Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?
 * Amy: And you picked me.
 * Sheldon: It’s like you said, you’re my girlfriend.
 * Amy: Oh, Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: Yeah. Okay. Stop ruining Valentine’s Day and order my pizza.


 * Sheldon: So, in conclusion, I believe the painful sensation felt after passing a meal of spicy chilies is proof that the rectum does possess the sense of taste.
 * Amy: I concur, but you changed the subject. What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
 * Sheldon: Oh, you caught that did you?


 * Penny: This place is really beautiful.
 * Leonard: Waugh, romance ninja.
 * (Penny giggles and sips her wine just as the really aggressive Howard and Bernadette arrive at the table that Leonard and Penny are sitting on).
 * Penny: Hey.
 * Howard: Sorry we’re late.
 * Penny: No problem. We just sat down.
 * Leonard: (he's asking Bernadette) Mmm, would you like some wine?
 * Bernadette: (she is already very cross) Yeah, fill her up.
 * (Leonard pours the wine into Bernadette's glass for a second and then he stops himself while Bernadette says one last thing to Leonard crossly)
 * Bernadette: (she is still very cross) I’ll tell you when to stop.
 * (Leonard pours the wine again while Penny asks a question to Howard)
 * Penny: Is everything okay?
 * Howard: (sarcastically) Terrific. Couldn’t be better.
 * Bernadette: (she is so completely cross with Howard) Oh, bite me.
 * Howard: (he speaks aggressively) Look, we can still have a nice night. Just tell me where it is.
 * Bernadette: (she is even more crosser) Maybe if you did what you said you were going to do, I’d tell you.
 * Leonard: Uh, where what is?
 * Howard: (he is now really angry) She hid my Xbox like I’m a child. (Leonard nods sarcastically just as he scolds loudly at Bernadette) Yeah, and my mom got me that for my birthday, so if you don’t give it back, I’m telling.
 * (Penny looks disgusted at Howard and Bernadette's arguement)
 * Bernadette: (she yells at the trio angrily) I’ve been working late every night. All I asked was that he clean the apartment and do one load of laundry. But did he do it? No.
 * (Scene of Penny and Leonard reacting at Bernadette's angry voice referring to Howard)
 * Bernadette: (she's yelling offscreen) He just kept on playing that stupid game.
 * (Scene of Bernadette so gigantically cross with Howard)
 * Bernadette: You like pushing buttons so much, try pushing them on the washing machine.
 * (Penny and Leonard react for a second each)
 * Howard: (firmly) I said I’m sorry.
 * Bernadette: (she is still gigantically cross) Sorry doesn’t clean my underpants, buddy.
 * Howard: (he argues sarcastically to her) I told you, turn them inside out.
 * (The still completely angry Bernadette is several times more crosser)
 * Bernadette: (she argues angrily to him) And I told you to bite me.
 * Leonard: Trying to have a magical night here, guys.
 * (Scene of Howard shaking his head whilst Bernadette carries on with getting a billion times angry, Penny has now finished another sip of wine and sees something from afar)
 * Penny: (grumpily) Oh, son of a bitch.
 * Leonard: What?
 * Penny: Nothing. Nothing.
 * Leonard: No, tell me.
 * Penny: It’s just this guy I used to date.
 * Leonard: Oh.
 * Penny: Until he cheated on me with my friend Gretchen, who’s here with him now.
 * Leonard: You’re kidding.
 * Penny: And it looks like she lost a lot of weight, damn it.
 * Leonard: I know it’s not ideal, but don’t let them ruin our night.
 * Penny: No, you’re totally right. She could be skinny ’cause she’s dying.
 * Leonard: That’s the spirit.
 * Penny: You know what, screw them. Our night is going to be way more special than theirs.
 * Leonard: Yeah.
 * Bernadette: (she is very worried) Uh-oh.
 * Penny: What? (Penny’s ex is proposing to Gretchen) Oh, you got to be kidding me.
 * Gretchen: Oh, my God, yes. Of course I’ll marry you.
 * Leonard: Two can play this game. Penny…
 * Penny: Get up.
 * Leonard: All right.


 * Penny: Oh, I can’t believe he’s going to marry the girl he cheated on me with.
 * Leonard: Isn’t it kind of nice? I mean, he was with the wrong person, and now he found the right person.
 * Penny: What, so I’m the wrong person? Maybe you want to be with Gretchen, too.
 * Bernadette: (still very cross) They do look happy.
 * Howard: Yeah, maybe tonight. But a year from now, he’ll be crawling under the sink looking for his Xbox. Well, he will.
 * Leonard: You know what? Why don’t we just forget about them and enjoy our Valentine’s Day?
 * Penny: Yes, absolutely. Now they’re doing that phony link-arm-drink thingy. I totally taught him that.
 * Leonard: I thought we were letting it go.
 * Penny: We were; it’s just, it’s not fair, okay? They’re bad people. It’s not supposed to end happy for them, it’s supposed to end happy for me.
 * Leonard: Um, it did end happy for you. You’re here with me.
 * Penny: Yeah, yeah, I know.
 * Leonard: Okay, this is getting a little hard to not take personally.
 * Penny: Oh, come on, don’t make this about you.
 * Leonard: Oh, I’m not. It’s about you.
 * Penny: Yeah, well, whatever, okay? I told you, Valentine’s Day sucks.
 * Leonard: This one does, and you’re the reason why.
 * Penny: What?
 * Bernadette: You know, compared to them, I’m feeling pretty good about us.
 * Howard: Me, too. How about we blow off dessert, go home early, I’ll do that laundry.
 * Bernadette: (proud) Thank you.
 * Howard: I love you.
 * Bernadette: Love you, too.
 * Howard: So where’d you hide it?
 * Bernadette: Where you’d never look.
 * Howard: Damn it, it’s in the washing machine.