Of Mouse and Man

MAN HAS AN EVIL SIDE, PINKY. UM, FRONT OR BACK? THE DARK SIDE THE DARK SIDE THAT HAS CREATED GROTESQUE WAR MACHINES, POLLUTION-SPILLING FACTORIES, AND NOW, A HIDEOUS THING THAT IS SPREADING ACROSS THE WORLD LIKE A HORRIBLE PLAGUE-- VOICE MAIL. NARF. ARE YOU GOING TO STOMP IT OUT, BRAIN? SQUASH THE BAD, BAD THING? YES, PINKY. BUT NOT UNTIL I HAVE MANIPULATED IT IN A PLAN OF WORLD DOMINATION. UTILIZING SATELLITE TECHNOLOGY AND THESE WE WILL REDIRECT ALL GLOBAL TELEPHONE COMMUNICATION INTO AN ENDLESS VOICE MAIL SYSTEM, AND ONCE A PERSON IS ON THE LINE, THE ARRAY AND AMOUNT OF CHOICES WILL RENDER THEM OCCUPIED, BUSY, AND UNABLE TO DEFEND THE EARTH FOR A FULL 72 HOURS-- MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME FOR A WELL-PREPARED MOUSE TO SEIZE CONTROL OF THE PLANET. I SEE. SO, ALL WE NEED IS A WELL-PREPARED MOUSE. I AM THAT MOUSE, PINKY. OH. WELL, THERE YOU ARE, THEN. JOB WELL DONE, BRAIN. HA HA HA HA! NARF! KEEP IT UP, PINKY. DONKEY TOWN NEEDS A NEW MAYOR. THE FACT IS, WHAT WE REALLY NEED TO SET UP THE SYSTEM IS $1,614,000. EGAD, BRAIN! THAT'S GOING TO TAKE A LOT OF MONEY. PINKY, WE STAND ON THE THRESHOLD OF WORLD DOMINATION. YOU HAVE A CHOICE. YOU CAN LISTEN CLOSELY AND PROVIDE ASSISTANCE, OR YOU CAN FIND YOUR HEAD COMPRESSED INSIDE A WALNUT SHELL. HMM. WORLD DOMINATION, WALNUT SHELL. WORLD DOMINATION-- [MUFFLED] WALNUT SHELL. THERE MUST BE A WAY TO GET THIS MONEY WITHOUT RUNNING FOR CONGRESS. OH. WHOO-HOO-HOO! OOF! HAVE YOU BEEN INJURED IN AN ON-THE-JOB ACCIDENT? YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO HUNDREDS, THOUSANDS, EVEN $1,614,000 IN COMPENSATION. LENNY PARVIK GOT ME $211. EVEN THOUGH I AM NOW IT'S O. K., 'CAUSE LENNY PARVIK GOT ME $142. 15 AND SOME CHANGE. [SOBBING] PINKY ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING? I THINK SO, BRAIN. BUT I GET ALL CLAMMY INSIDE THE TENT. SIGMUND FREUD WOULD HAVE HAD A FIELD DAY WITH YOU, PINKY. OH, LIKED SPORTS, THEN, DID HE? THE PLAN, PINKY. I WILL GET A JOB AT A LARGE CORPORATION, STAGE A HIDEOUS ACCIDENT, AND THEN SUE THEM FOR $1,614,000 IN WORKERS' COMPENSATION. IT WILL PROVIDE US WITH THE NECESSARY FUNDS FOR OUR PLAN OF EARTHLY RULE. EGAD, BRAIN. BRILLIANT! OH, WAIT. NO, NO. ISN'T THAT HORRIBLY ILLEGAL? YES, BUT ONCE I RULE THE WORLD, I WILL RETURN THE FUNDS AND THEN HAVE GERALD FORD PARDON ME. TAKE A MEMO. EGAD, BRAIN. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YES. FORTUNATELY, MY CHEST CAVITY IS CONSTRUCTED OF A TITANIUM ALLOY. OH! BE SURE TO MENTION THAT IN YOUR JOB INTERVIEW. AAH! POIT! [MAN] IMPRESSIVE CREDENTIALS. YOU'RE CERTAINLY QUALIFIED. NOW, BRASS TACKS. ARE YOU MARRIED? YES, I HAVE A LOVELY WIFE AND TWO WONDERFUL YOUNG CHILDREN. OH, THAT'S TOO BAD. FRANKLY, WE'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS NO LIFE. THANK YOU. SEND IN THE NEXT CANDIDATE. MR. BRAIN. YES. WELL, WELL. WE'RE AN EAGER BEAVER, AREN'T WE? ACTUALLY, NO. I'M NOT RELATED TO THE BEAVER FAMILY IN ANY WAY. [LAUGHS] THAT'S A GOOD COMEBACK. PLEASE BE SEATED. MR. BRAIN, AS YOU KNOW, WE AT FIERO AND COMPANY ARE RE-RE-INSURERS. WE PROVIDE INSURANCE TO RE-INSURERS WHO INSURE INSURANCE COMPANIES. IS THAT LUCRATIVE? TAKE A LOOK. AHH. VERY IMPRESSIVE. PRINCETON, HARVARD BUSINESS, SIX YEARS IN THE INDUSTRY. TELL ME, MR. BRAIN, WHAT ARE YOUR LONG-TERM CAREER GOALS? I PLAN ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD. YOU'VE GOT DRIVE. I LIKE THAT. BUT CONFIDENTIALLY, TAKING OVER THE WORLD'S MY JOB. HA HA HA! YES. HA HA HA. NOW, BRASS TACKS. ARE YOU MARRIED? NO. I DO HAVE AROOMMATE, BUT HE'S VERY BUSY WITH HIS OWN ACTIVITIES. OOH! GOOD, GOOD. UH, ONE MORE THING. ABOUT YOURHEAD. YES? ISN'T IT RATHERSMALL? NO, NOT FOR MY RACE. NO! NO, OF COURSE NOT. YOUR RACE. BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE ARE SUCH GOOD COOKS, WITH THEIR LITTLE HEADS AND ALL. PLEASE, EXCUSE ME FOR ONE SECOND. CAROL, SEND EVERYONE ELSE HOME. I'VE GOT MYSELF A MINORITY PERSON! MR. BRAIN, WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF RE-RE-INSURANCE. MY GOSH! YOU PEOPLE MUST HAVE RIBS OF STEEL! TITANIUM ALLOY, ACTUALLY. AHA! PINKY, THE ACCIDENT COULD BE BLUFFED BY ALTERING THE MOLECULAR MATRIX THROUGH A SUBSTRATE PLATFORM OF MICROWAVES. PINKY? LOOK, BRAIN. I MADE A CHOO-CHOO! AND ME WITHOUT MY VIDEO CAMERA. [WHIMPERS] ON THE JOB ACCIDENT, PINKY. I'VE FIGURED IT OUT. IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN, I WILL SIMPLY STAGE AN ACCIDENT UTILIZING THE MICROWAVE OVEN AND THE NON-DAIRY POWDERED CREAMER. FOR, NO ONE REALLY KNOWS HOW A MICROWAVE WORKS. BUT WHY THE POWDERED CREAMER, BRAIN? NO ONE REALLY KNOWS HOW THAT WORKS EITHER. HEY, PROFESSOR. TUITION'S DUE. [ALL GASP] WHOA! LOOK AT THIS. HEY, WE GOT A FREAK HERE. ARE YOU SOME KIND OF FREAK? ACTUALLY, I'M A LAB MOUSE INVOLVED IN AN INTRICATE PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD. OH, VERY FUNNY. YOU'RE A REGULAR GALLAGHER! YOU THINK GALLAGHER IS FUNNY? DON'T MESS WITH ME, MAN. AAH! HELP! OOF! [CHEERING] WOW, YOU SHOULD RUN THE POLICE DEPARTMENT, MAN. OH, I WILL, MY FRIEND. I WILL. THIS WILL BE YOUR CUBICLE RIGHT HERE. IF YOU NEED ANY OFFICE SUPPLIES, ASK THE OFFICE MANAGER, AND SHE'LL HAVE THEM HERE IN TWO OR THREE MONTHS. HERE'S THE COMPANY POLICY ON VACATIONS, ON PERSONAL PHONE CALLS AND SEXUAL HARASSMENT. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THIS. YOU'RE SAFE AS LONG AS YOU AVOID ALL CONTACT WITH HUMANS. MY GOAL IN LIFE. HA HA HA! I HEAR YOU. WHAT A MOLLUSK. "DEAR BRAIN, I PACKED SOME THINGS FOR YOUR NEW HOME AWAY FROM HOME. PINKY. " Man: UH, IS THAT YOUR PET? EXCUSE ME? THAT MOUSE. IS THAT YOUR PET MOUSE? I KEEP MICE. YOU DO? YEAH. I FEED THEM TO MY PET SNAKE. [SHIVERS] NAME'S HOWIE-- YOUR NEXT-CUBICLE NEIGHBOR. PUT HER THERE, PAL. ACTUALLY, MY ARM'S BEEN ACTING UP. BADTENNIS ELBOW. TENNIS? OH, HEY, LET'S PLAY SOMETIME! UGH! YOU SHOULD PLAY GOLF! OH, BRAIN! GOODY, YOU'RE BACK! I'VE MADE A YUMMY DINNER-- FOOD PELLETS WITH FOOD PELLETS. PLEASE, PINKY. I'VE HAD A VERY TOUGH DAY. OH, YOU HAVE. YOU'VE HAD A TOUGH DAY. YOU?! WHAT ABOUT MY DAY, BRAIN? WE ALWAYS HEAR ABOUT YOUR DAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT MINE? "THE BOSS" THIS AND "THE BOSS" THAT. LA DEE LA DEE DA! NARF! DO YOU EVER ASK WHAT I DID TODAY? VERY WELL, PINKY. WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY? UM CAN'T REMEMBER. ANYTHING? NOT A THING. NOW I KNOW HOW AMERICAN GLADIATORS STAYS ON THE AIR. PINKY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE PRESSURES, THE TENSION I'M UNDER. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M UP AGAINST, IT'S VERY DIFFICULT, THE STRESSFUL TASKS I FACE EVERY DAY. AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO MAKES COFFEE AROUND HERE? OH, I'M SORRY. THAT'S MY FAULT. [GIGGLES] YOU'RE CUTE. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY-- BIG EARS, BIG EARMUFFS. AHEH. HI. I'M GINA FALLOW. I--I'M THE, UH, MR. BRAIN. OH, WHY, MR. BRAIN, ARE YOU MAKING A PASS AT ME? NO, NO. I PROMISE. I HONESTLY DON'T FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE IN ANY WAY. YOU CREEP! LET GO OF ME! LET GO! OH, DEAR. UGH! Man: MR. BRAIN? I'D LIKE A WORD WITH YOU, PLEASE. IN HERE. NOW. I CAN EXPLAIN, SIR. THE YOUNG LADY SEEMS TO HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD ME. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. IT'S YOUR RESUME. I'VE DONE SOME CHECKING. NEITHER PRINCETON NOR HARVARD HAVE ANY RECORD OF YOU ATTENDING. OH. WELL, THERE MUST BE SOME ERROR. I HAVE DIPLOMAS FROM BOTH OF THOSE INSTITUTIONS. WELL, YOU BETTER GO GET THEM AND DELIVER THEM HERE PRONTO, MISTER, OR YOUR CAREER IN THE WORLD OF RE-RE-INSURANCE IS O-O-OVER. I FIND YOUR MANNER UNPLEASANT. WORKING STINKS. THE TIME FOR ACTION IS UPON US. AHEM. HELP! HELP! OH, HELP! A TERRIBLE OCCUPATIONAL DISASTER! Brain: HELP! I'VE BEEN MAIMED BY AN ON-THE-JOB ACCIDENT REQUIRING MASSIVE WORKERS' COMPENSATION! [PEOPLE GASP] Woman: OH, MY. Man: IT'S MR. BRAIN! HE WAS IN THE CUBICLE NEXT TO ME. I--I'VE BEEN TURNED INTO A MOUSE! [GASP] Man: $1,614,000? WE WON'T PAY! IN THAT CASE, MY FRIEND, I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT. Second man: YOUR HONOR, OUR SYMPATHY GOES OUT TO MR. BRAIN, BUT THE AMOUNT HE'S ASKING FOR AND THE CLAIM THAT HE IS A MOUSE, WELL, SIR, THEY'RE BOTH PREPOSTEROUS! MR. BRAIN? YOUR HONOR, TO EXPEDITE MATTERS, I WISH TO PRESENT THESE X-RAYS OF MYSELF, CLEARLY DEFINING MY MOUSE SKELETON. MY X-RAYS. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY X-RAYS? THERE REALLY IS ONLY ONE CONCLUSION HERE. THIS MAN IS A MOUSE. I'M AFRAID THE ONLY CONCLUSION HERE, DOCTOR, IS THAT YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN THESE. I THINK THIS MIGHT KEEP YOU QUIET. IT MIGHT. YOUR HONOR, I WOULD LIKE TO BEGIN BY PRESENTING SOME ACTUAL EVIDENCE-- THESE 2 ITEMS RECOVERED FROM MR. BRAIN'S CUBICLE. I ASK YOU, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HEARD OF A MOUSE WINNING A BOWLING TROPHY OR HAVING AN ATTRACTIVE FAMILY LIKE THIS? AHH, PINKY! YES? PINKY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? EGAD! I HAD TO COME, BRAIN. THEY'RE NOT COVERING THIS ON COURT TV. [WHISPERING] Stay down! Good thing they didn't find that mechanical suit, eh, Brain? The suit! OH, DEAR HEAVENS ABOVE, THE SUIT! PINKY, YOU MUST GO TO THE OFFICE AND GET THAT SUIT FROM THE KITCHEN CLOSET. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? IF THEY FIND THAT, WE'RE SUNK. [WEEPING] YOU WANT ME TO HELP? OH, BRAIN! GO! AYE, AYE! AAH! OOF! [WHISTLING] POIT! NARF. WELL, YES. I NOTICED HIS FURRY HEAD, AND I BELIEVE THAT'S TYPICAL OF HIS PEOPLE. AND WHAT PEOPLE WOULD THAT BE? UH, I'M NOT SURE. I THINK THEY'RE FROM EUROPE OR MAYBE FRANCE. Brain: OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR. THE SIZE OF MY HEAD AND IF I WAS A MAN BEFORE THE ACCIDENT IS NOT THE QUESTION HERE. THE FACT IS, I AM NOW A MOUSE! [CHUCKLES] YOUR HONOR, I INTEND TO PROVE THAT MR. BRAIN IS NOT A MOUSE BUT SIMPLY, AND ALSO SADLY, JUST AN ODD-LOOKING LITTLE MAN. OOF! TRY THE FRUIT ROLL-UM-UPS. THEY'RE YUMMY! AAH! [GASPS] [GRUNTS] OH, I AM DOING WELL! POIT! I CALL TO THE STAND MR. BRAIN. NOW, HOW EXACTLY DID THE ACCIDENT HAPPEN, MR. BRAIN? A BIZARRE THING INVOLVING A MICROWAVE OVEN. I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY. NO ONE REALLY KNOWS HOW THEY WORK. INCORRECT! IN THE OVEN, A MAGNETRON PRODUCES MICROWAVES WHICH CAUSE WATER MOLECULES TO ALIGN AND REVERSE ALIGNMENT, PRODUCING HEAT NOT MICE. THE ACCIDENT ALSO INVOLVED A NON-DAIRY POWDERED CREAMER. UMOH. Spectators: OH. WHOA! WHOA! WHA-HA! NARF! POIT! MR. BRAIN, IN YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH OTHER MICE, ARE THEY INTELLIGENT? WHOA! AAH! NO. EXACTLY! YOUR HONOR, I CONTEND THAT MR. BRAIN IS SIMPLY TOO INTELLIGENT TO BE A MOUSE. BUTNO! NO, I'M-- I'M NOT INTELLIGENT. I'M A SIMPLETON. YES. LIKE ANY AVERAGE MOUSE. UH, NARF. SO YOU WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH ME SAYING THAT ALBERT EINSTEIN WAS A CHAMPION SURFER. WHAT? I MEAN, NO. OR THAT THE TEMPERATURE OF THE SUN IS A COMFY I WOULDN'T KNOW. OR THAT THE FERMI-DIRAC DISTRIBUTION FUNCTION IS A SOUP KITCHEN? THAT'S PREPOSTEROUS! YOUR HONOR, THE FERMI-DIRAC FUNCTION IS FOR ANY SYSTEM OF IDENTICAL FERMIONS IN EQUILIBRIUM, THE PROBABILITY THAT A QUANTUM STATE OF ENERGY "E" IS OCCUPIED! MY WORD, MAN! DON'T YOU KNOW YOUR QUANTUM STATISTICS? [SPECTATORS GASPING] Woman: HE MUST BE A MAN. Man: HE IS SMART. [MURMURING] All: OHHHH! OH, BLUNDER. MR. BRAIN, IT IS MY RULING THAT YOUR INTELLIGENCE PROVES THAT YOU ARE NOT A MOUSE. AND, THAT BEING THE BASIS FOR YOUR CLAIM, I NOW DISMISS CHARGES AGAINST FIERO AND COMPANY. [EXCITED WHISPERING] VERY WELL. I'LL GO NOW. I'M AFRAID NOT. I FIND YOU GUILTY OF FRAUD, PERJURY, AND APPEARING NAKED IN A PUBLIC PLACE. TAKE HIM AWAY. WHAT? NO! NO! Pinky: WHOA! WHOO-HOO! NARF! I'VE GOT THE SUIT! WHOA! NARF! I GOT IT, BRAIN! PINKY! STOP THAT MAN. HOLD IT! PUT UP YOUR HANDS! OH. UM, VERY WELL. [SHOUTING] BRAIN? PINKY, DOWN HERE. PINKY! OOF. UM, EXCUSE ME. OH! OH, I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO. OOH. Pinky: JUST ONE MORE, THEN. CAREFUL, PINKY. NOT TOO TIGHT. I MUST BE ABLE TO THINK FREELY SO I CAN PLAN FOR TOMORROW NIGHT. WHAT, BRAIN? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TOMORROW NIGHT? THE SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY-- TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! THEY'RE DINKY THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN