Puss in Books

[laughs evilly] Take that! I taught him a thing or two. But do you know what I can't teach him? - Algebra! - That's what school is for! A good education is as American as a heavy Ford automobile! Don't let the goddamn flag touch the ground! I've got some pretty big muscles, but the most important one is right here. - Ow! - Pussy. Hold up! What are we doing here? Cue cards? Can I just break dance or something? - But because it's here - In American halls and classrooms! Children just like you La-er-er ee-ar ee-ar - Learn to be real heroes! - So, be like us! All: Stay in school! [vocalizing music] - La-er-er ee-ar ee-ar - Mm-hmm. Looks like little kitty Cooch can't read. I got you now, Rex, right where I Hmm. "Homeless man asks a baby for candy. What happens next will blow your mind"? Yeah, I'm gonna click on that! [baby cries] What? That didn't blow my mind! They got me again! Goddamn it! 1x05 - "Puss In Books" [theme song playing] [both grunt] You want some Cooch? [gasps] Aah! Don't get mad, get Brad! Well, it looks like that "Stay in school" PSA has become a national embarrassment. I am also reading about that current event - in the newspaper. - That is a BevMo! insert. - So? - So, Kid Victory got our budget approved for another year, but that means we have a lot of eyes on us. Let's lock it down, people! Cooch, if you want to learn how to read, you could come by my room later. - I could, uh, tutor you. - Nice try, Brad! - We're through! - Oh yeah, totally. - I-I just wanna be friends. - Friends? You can kick that shit right down the road, dude! That never works! Rex, your copy of "Men's Health" came. - [stammers] No, I didn't subscribe to that. - We all chipped in. - Ranger, a copy of "Teabagging Monthly. " - Yes! [laughs] I heard this Tea Party has some good ideas. Holy Hell! Someone's eating that man's marbles! That seems like a terrible idea! [grunts] I guess I could use it. Odd. Another kit of Proactiv for one C. J. Wheelahan. Oh! I I know C. J. He's a friend of mine. He gets a lot of acne because of my mask his mask! Cooch, a postcard from Claudette? Sweet! Let me see that thing! - See ya! - Cooch, show some respect. - That woman raised you. - Yeah, when I was a regular cat. I left that life behind! I don't want to hear about her janky-ass life! - Plus you can't read. - That is a factor, but who gives a shit? [helicopter whirring] Sergeant Agony, what are you doing here? I saw your PSA! And Cooch looked like a damn horse with peanut butter in its mouth talking out its butthole! - She's illiterate! - Section A, chapter 37B. "Every member of the League of Freedom must have a high school diploma or higher. " - Oh, she's a cat! - The law is the law, Rex! An education is not a joke! - Take her away, boys! - It's okay, Rex. I knew this gig was too good to be true. Just don't go into my closet, okay? That poodle was dead when I found it. Wait. it says here that government employees are exempt if they're actively pursuing a diploma from an accredited institution. - Hmm. - Oh, hell no. No, no, no, no! - Agony, release Cooch this instant. - By what authority? Mine, as acting principal of SuperMansion High! [school bell rings] All right, team. Agony's administering Cooch's GED on Friday. We have exactly one week to get some sort of education to stick to her brain! Ranger, putting aside the 70-year gap where you were in a time tunnel, you are the perfect candidate to teach history. - It would be my honor! - Jewbot. I look forward to teaching Cooch about dead poets and igniting her passions. - You're teaching Home Ec. - Well, I guess I'll go [bleeps] myself. Brad, you still know your way around a chemistry set? Are you a cop? I mean, yeah, yeah. - And Black Saturn - As the cool bully! Yeah, no. We're not gonna have that. [laughs] Suck it, Principal Wreck! - Get back here! - Looking like a circus already. - You running a clown college, Rex? - What are you wearing? You're gonna play principal, then say hello to your superintendent. Let's lay the cards on the table, Agony. You don't care if Cooch has a diploma or not. You hate the League of Freedom. - I'm not a fan, no. - Well, let me tell you something. When you come after one of my members, you kick the hornet's nest. I'm gonna shove Cooch's diploma down your throat! If you'll excuse me, I think I have a spitball in my ear. Ready for your first day of school? Hell, yeah! Marjorie got me a bunch of Pee -Chees, and I already got dongs drawn on most of 'em. Uh, that's great, Cooch, but make sure you're focusing on your lessons. - Can you do that for me? - Focus? Yeah, Rex. No problem. [school bell rings] All right, class, let's start our day with our morning prayer. - Dear heavenly white Christian Father - Nuh-uh, Ranger! Keep your church outta my state! Marjorie, where's your hall pass? Don't you run away from me, girl. All right, let's start with the good stuff. WW2, the big one. American was a sleeping giant. Cooch's voice: You know what? Why are there leprechauns? They need to get more marshmallows in a box. That's what I get. Maybe they cash in the gold for marshmallows. Cashing in gold, that's true. Cooch! Are you paying attention? - Yep. The answer is rainbow gold! - No! This is serious! I had no idea what happened to this great nation after World War II. Have you heard of this Bay of Pigs? - Ow! - Wake up, freshman! - Man, quit your shit! - [laughs] No can do. Bullying is a big part of the high school experience. - Flick! - Ow! This must be a science fiction book. What's this Iran-Contra bullshit? Reagan funded Osama bin Laden? There has to be some good news in this thing! This John F. Kennedy seems like just the man to right the ship. Oh no! Why would anyone Nixon seems like a straight arrow. [screams] What the hell does 9-1-1 mean? Spying on our own citizens? Collapse of the new class? "Joe Millionaire"? And that's the story of America. Uh, this bullshit gonna be on the test? So, the fire pretty much gutted the place. That was my last day of school. Hey, what's our policy on dating students? I'm sure it's frowned upon. What if you've nailed them already? I really don't feel comfortable having this conversation. - NAFTA. [mumbling] - Hey, buddy, are you okay? Mitch McConnell's eyes. [shudders] [sings crying] # God bless America # Where do you think you're going? To find out if the American dream still has a pulse. Just me, the open road, and a quality American-made motorbike. [engine sputters] Come on, now. - Here we go! - Make sure that you prime it. - Yes, I primed it! I know how to do it! - Okay, okay. - Now come on. - My Kawasaki always just starts right up. Shut up! It just needs to. . Come on, come on. - Start! Start, start, start! - Give it some gas. How did American History go, Cooch? Pretty good. I learned about leprechauns, marshmallows, that history shit. Well, that doesn't sound like American history at all. - Are you paying attention? - Cooch's voice: Damn, I'm hungry. What was that? That a mouse? Nah, that's a stapler. I need sport pants. I'm hungry. Where are the quesadillas? - Cooch! What did I just say? - You were saying such as words and vowels and phrases and See ya! - You wanted to see me, Principal? - I did not. You will when you see the graffiti in the bathroom. - I hear you're a real good time. - Saturn, what are you trying to accomplish here? [phone rings] I have be Ugh! - Hello? - Brad: Yeah, I'm looking for a good time. Brad, did you get this number from the bathroom? [clicks] Brad? Brad! I've got to get back to the heart of this great nation, the place where good old American know-how thrives and industry reigns! I've got to get back to Detroit! [police siren wails] This can't be right. What happened to the flourishing Motor City? Master Blaster owns Detroit Town now! O-kay. Mr. Ford will have some answers for me. [music] Japan? Dear God! The America I knew gone! [clatters] [yelps] Ah! Come on, girl. There we go! Come back here, you son of a bitch! What have you done to the Ford company? What have you done to America?! It wasn't me, man! I stuck around after everyone left! [cries] I had nowhere else to go! I know the feeling. - What happened here? - America, it's sick in its soul, man. Just like you, from the looks of it. - That's very perceptive, um? - Reggie. Name's Americ Well, I guess it's just Ranger now. - The American dream is dead. - No, it's not dead. It's just sleeping off a bad trip, man. Here. This'll lighten the load, stranger. One hit of this and everything becomes the American dream, man. I just want to remember. Oh! Now, take your cookbooks and tear them in half. Cooch, this is very inspirational. Are you paying attention? Uh, yeah No. Maybe I am just a dumb cat. Hold on. Cooch, according to my brain scan, you have a case of ADD I can only call apocalyptic. - Cooch, it's not your fault. - Cool! - It's not your fault. - Got it! It's not your fault. You can start crying now. It's not your fault. And now we hug. Get off of me! Are you gonna help me out or what? I'm afraid my programming won't allow me to prescribe drugs. Unless you know someone who might have some black-market Adderall, you're out of luck. - Huh. Hey! - You're early. Students have to wait outside. I mean, if we were friends, I could let you sit down, but Come on, man. I was just joshing you about the friends thing. You want to be friends? Boom! We're friends. - Wow! That's great, because - You got any Adderall? Oh, yeah. I only take 'em when I need to think, you know, or function on any level. - For 20 bucks, I - Cool! Bombs away! Cooch's voice: Is "Small Wonder" still on? Peas are gross. When did those Circus Peanuts get in here? [buzzing] - Cooch! - Sorry, I was just I think I was learning stuff. [rock music playing] Hey, Ranger! What say we go easy on the ganja? You got a better way to fill the hole in my soul? We're going to see Hawkfeather! He's gonna heal your spirit, man! - Whoo-hoo! - Yee-ha-ha-ha! [motorcycle stalls] Aw, shit! No, no, no, no, no! Goddamn it! Come on, now. [car honks] I'm trying! Come on! - My Yamaha always starts. - You know what, Reggie? [engine starts] Ha-ha! Oh! Whoa! [school bell rings] Cooch, do you have your homework? Shit yeah. I got tomorrow's loaded up too! This all appears to be accurate. Here's my extra credit on protons, and it's good! - You sure? - Positive. [both laugh] - Ooh, sorry! I didn't see you there. - Oh, that's okay. Adolescent aggression is just the result of deep insecurities. - What? - I don't know. Maybe you got a small wang, dude. See ya! Hawkfeather should be right over that playa. - You just take Are you huffing paint? - This high is all I've got! American paint at least they got one thing right. [grunts] Reggie? Reggie! [coughs] Guess that wound from the terrible bike accident wasn't as superficial as we thought. Don't you leave me, Reggie! Please God! - I'll do anything! - I'll just take one hit off that can. Hello, no! I'm almost out! [gasps] Reggie! Re-Re! [eagle screeches] What? What's that? It's a sign That I'm as high as shit! Still, good-looking eagle. Where the hell is that eagle? Come back to me! Where did you go, eagle? Excuse me, sir. Did you see where that handsome eagle went? There are no eagles in this part of the country, only you. Professor Hawkfeather, New Mexico State University, and you are American Ranger. You know my name! What else do you know? Well, I know you're a man with a broken spirit. Reggie told me. Hey, where is Reggie? He's back there somewhere. Anyway, were you going to heal my soul or something? Your spirit animal is restless. You'll tame it or die trying. Sure. I'm all out of paint. Let's do that. The capital of Slovakia is Bratislava. Pi equals 3. 14, repeating. Ah. My girl's looking pretty good out there, huh, Agony? Care to make a little wager? [phone rings] Hello? [gibbering over phone] No, I am not a good time! Who the hell is this? Marjorie? I have noticed you're spending an awful lot of time with Brad. If he is being inappropriate, you can always come to me. Uh I don't wanna talk about it. See ya! Hmm. [school bell rings] Hey, Brad, today's the big day. Need that re-up! - Oh. Uh - Come on, man, gimme the pills! - Oh, right. Pills first, then we can - Oh, I don't think so. Providing a student with birth control, that is where I draw the line. Birth control? Jew-Jewbot, no! - There! - Mother[bleep] - That was my Adderall! - Oh. You need that. [growls] What's the matter? You look nervous. - Yeah, nervous for you! - Yeah. You wanna bet those fancy new arms Cooch passes this test? You have one hour. [watch ticking] "Two cars are traveling at the same rate of speed. One car is" Uh Cooch's voice: And the other car's a leprechaun! Peanut! Do jellybeans feel pain? How do pandas protect their Banana burn! Where does the moon go during the day? Hey, look! A leprechaun! - See ya! - Cooch? Cooch! Claudette? You in there? Coochie-paw! I never thought I'd see you again. Yeah, well, things didn't really work out. Yeah, I knew they wouldn't. Hey, shit stains! Your sister's back! [meows, purring] Damn, Slimer, you're looking good! You get a second coat? [screeches] - Uppity piece of shit. - Oh, they're just jealous you got out. Check out my new digs. Got a couple of new frames. That's a new bathroom. It's just a bucket. Bedroom's just the way you left it. [barking] Except for all the Chows. Chewed your stuff up pretty bad. [laughs] Got a few rusted-out Suzuki Samurais you can sleep in. - Oh. Cool. - Yeah, just have to fight off the Chows. They're in there pretty good. Wanna see something? You saved all my newspaper clippings? No, I save every newspaper. It's a debilitating illness. We will begin the ceremony now. - I'm ready. - I never asked you to undress. Oh, should I Imean I can put this back on, but it'll take a while. Forget it. It's fine. Let's just keep going. What's this? A Native American back scratcher? It's a blowdart gun, and I guess it's yours now. [chanting] Focus hard on the animal inside. That gives you power. [grunts] [creature roars] Your spirit animal, there is much madness in it, like your soul is poisoned with cheap spray paint! I I don't see what that has to do with anything! Holy hell! [roaring] [screams] Cooch. Sleeping in a Suzuki Samurai? - You're better than that. - This is my home now. Well, me and the Chows. They pretty much run the show. - Can't talk back to the Chows. - Cooch, why did you run away? - You were doing so good! - No, I wasn't! It was just the pills Brad gave me. Made me smart. Cooch, Adderall doesn't make you smart. Actually, it's legalized cocaine. It wasn't the pills, Cooch. That was you learning. You still have a shot at passing that test! Come back with us, Cooch. I promise I'll keep bullying you like nothing happened. Will you stop it! We promise to help you study all night if need be. I'm sorry. This is my home now. [barking] Shit! The Chows are loose! Oh shit! They saw you! Let's roll! Chows, man! [screams] [rock music playing] [yawns, slap] Ow! Thanks, man. Well, you ready for this, Cooch? Uh I can't remember nothing, Rex! I need those pills! We told you. The pills didn't make you smart. - They were a placebo! - Well, then get me another placebo! Here. This is a special smart helmet. Well, shit! I can't lose. Let's [bleeps] do this! [whirs, beeps] Oh, no, no, no. Wha This can't be right! - A passing grade? - Guys: All right, Cooch! Whoa! Uh-oh! Oh dear. There's no name on this test. Agony, you know damn well that's Cooch's test! Now, how am I supposed to know that? Why, anyone could've submitted this. I'm sorry, but I have to ask Cooch to get the [bleeps] out! - Let me tell you something, Agony. - It's okay, Rex. I knew I didn't belong here. Everyone's smart or civilized. [door slams] [screams] Run! Run! My nightmares have taken shape and haunt my waking hours! - Oh, hello. - Where the hell have you been? Oh, just doing a little drug-fueled soul searching, which may or may not have opened a portal to hell. [roars] [screams] [growls] [yells] Will you stop it? [roars] - What the [bleeps] is that? - Oh, it's my spirit animal, which apparently is a murderous buffalo, - quite unstoppable. - We'll see about that. No! [roaring] [Rex grunting] Help me! Help me! Cooch, could I have a moment? What is that on your head? - It's my smart helmet. - That can't possibly be true. Yes, it is! I used it to pass my GED! My God! A cat from the streets, through hard work and determination, betters herself through education? My America still exists! It's in you, Cooch! God bless America! [roars] Cooch! You've healed my soul! Sergeant Agony, you're not taking this cat anywhere! Sorry! Unless you can pull a diploma out of your ass, - you lose. - Maybe I can help. I was back behind that wall not cowering in fear and what I saw was this weird cat thing healing my friend. What does that have to do with anything? Professor Hawkfeather of New Mexico State University. An honorary degree from New Mexico State University? I believe you said Cooch required a high school degree or higher, even only slightly higher. Son of a bitch! You got me again, Rex! Is this the exit? Where's the exit? I'm proud of you, team. We stuck together and didn't let them take one of our own. Well, not you, Ranger. You freaked out and almost killed us all. Well, shit got real. What can I say? Do we need the hat on to the duration of the day? You gonna wash that paint ring off of your mouth? Oh, damn it. [grunts] Is that still there? Hey, Cooch, think I could get that 20 bucks for the Adderall? Sorry, Brad, I don't lend money to friends. Aww. Wait, I'm not asking for a loan. - You owe me 20 bucks. - See ya! [phone rings] Hello? [gibbering over phone] No! I'm not interested in giving you a good time! [dogs barking] Wait, are those Chows? Saturn! Did you use the bathroom at Claudette's? Flick!