Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and s*x on TV. ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

So, tell me about yourself, Tina.

I really love music.

Me, too. I just saw Don Giovanni. In my opinion, the best opera of the 18th century.

Definitely.

And the use of recitative throughout...

Mozart was a genius.

Oh, yeah, re... cita... tive... is really, you know, where it's at.

Sir, are we ready to order?

Whoa. Hold on a second.

You don't know what I'm talking about.

Sure I do. Opera's bitchin'!

OK. I guess I'll have the escar-got and a glass of chab-lis.

Same here. Escar-got and the chab-lis.

Don't dawdle, Jonas. Play your exercises.

Brian, what happened with your date?

Same as always. She was an idiot.

Oh, Brian.

Don't slow down, Jonas. Keep the rhythm.

"Bum, bum, bum, bum Brian, your standards are ridiculously high You'll never find a girl unless you compromise so you can find your love I don't think I have to compromise a thing I'd rather be alone if someone doesn't get me How long has the coffee been on the burner?

"I could really use a cup about now Oh, it's not very fresh I meant to make more I made the mistake of watching Oprah She had on James Garner James Garner? What's he plugging?

" Some crappy movie on TNT Very good, Jonas. I'll see you next week.

So, you don't think these women understand you?

I'm not comfortable talking about this a-melodically.

Peter, could you...

Hang on a second.

Now back to "The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams".

Grizzly? Who's Steve?

What?

There's a message on the machine from Steve.

Oh, yeah, Steve. He's... new to the mountain. I met him down at the general store.

He makes canoes.

Oh.

How come I've never met him?

He hasn't really been here that long.

Long enough to get your number!

Ben! Ben!

Dammit.

Look at that Grizzly Adams. Look at how confident he is, how majestic.

I'm gonna grow a beard.

Peter, you know I hate beards.

Oh, no, it's time I joined the ranks of great men with beards.

Why do you think Jesus Christ was so popular? Because of all the magic tricks?

Brian's depressed. Could you take him with you to the laser rock show tonight?

Sure. That's one thing I'm good at - cheering people up.

Mr and Mrs Ramsey, JonBenet's untimely death is a tragedy.

And I will not rest until I find her killer, or killers.

Oh, really, don't bother. Nothing's going to bring our baby back.

No, I insist. I will make it my life's work...

We're fine. Drop it.

The next laser rock show will begin in 20 minutes.

You hear that, Brian? A laser rock show! Come on, cheer up, would you?

I don't feel like it.

Binary code is a computer language in which words are translated into zeroes and ones.

Anything can be expressed in binary, as we demonstrate in this scene from The Miracle Worker.

0-1-1-0-1-0-0-1.

0-1-1-0-1-0-0-1.

0-1-1-0-1-0-0-1.

01! 01!

You don't think this is amazing? When I saw this at the 1904 World's Fair, I nearly crapped my pants!

All right! Virtual reality!

Whoa! You guys gotta try this!

Hey, look at me. I'm a pole in a strip club! Oh!

It's showtime.

Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh! Hey, stop! False alarm! Agh!

Oh, my God! I'm flying. I'm flying!

I'll have a Diet Sprite.

You are a filthy whore.

OK, Johnny Depp or Richard Grieco?

Oh, that's gross!

Yeah, let's not do this.

Come on.

If you're secure in your masculinity, you can answer a hypothetical.

Johnny Depp, cos he kind of looks like a chick.

What about you, Peter?

Oh, man. I don't know.

Richard Grieco would probably appreciate you more. Not take you for granted.

With Johnny Depp, he wouldn't really need you.

He'd probably sneak out after you fell asleep.

Of course, with Johnny, you'd get financial security. I'd go with Johnny.

Oh, great.

Brian?

Hey, Joe. How's it going?

Good. You were doing a little swerving back there.

Me and the boys were just...

Whoa! You're off the meter, Brian.

You're under arrest.

Come on.

Move it!

One of you guys all right to drive?

Yeah, I can do it.

I'll meet you at The Drunken Clam. We'll tie one on.

I'm very disappointed in you.

God, a DUl. I can't believe this. I could actually go to jail.

It's OK. You'll get through this DUl and you'll be a better person for it.

Hold on. Don't disguise his alcohol dependence as a ticket to self-realisation.

You're not one to talk. Remember when I gave you apple juice and told you it was wine?

You are a special person.

Thanks.

Now, come on. I'm being serious. I will be serious here for a second.

Are you gonna listen to me?

Are you gonna listen to me so I can tell you that I respect you?

Brian, I know this is a bad time for you.

And if I have any advice to give you, it is this: Grow a beard.

I wish you'd shave that thing. Beards are so ugly.

Hey!

Oh, relax, Wooly Willy.

There's lots of fun things you can do.

There we go.

Thanks!

On the charge of driving under the influence, we find you guilty.

Good call. Churn the butter.

Ooh! Ooh!

In lieu of jail time, I sentence you to 100 hours of community service.

Next item.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join these two in holy matrimony.

If anyone objects to this union, speak now or for ever hold your peace.

Quiet! You had your chance!

What are you doing for community service?

I got assigned to Outreach to the Elderly.

I gotta take care of an old woman who hasn't been out in 30 years.

When I got caught at school with my hand down my pants, I had to keep it there for a whole week. Ha! What a week!

Taking care of this old woman'll be like baby-sitting, with bigger diapers.

Aha! So they do make bigger diapers!

That deceitful woman told me I'd have to use the toilet.

Fie on the toilet! It's made slaves of you all.

I've seen it sitting in there, lazy, slothful porcelain layabout feeding on other people's doo-doos while contributing nothing to society!

You get a job!

Pearl Burton? My name's Brian. I'm here from the Outreach to the Elderly programme.

You're late!

What the hell is this?

Delousing powder!

Everyone on the outside is filthy!

You could have warned me.

OK. It's gonna burn like hell in 30 seconds.

I like my tea at four, my dinner at six.

I take my bath at seven so I can listen to Paul Harvey.

You'll warm up my bath with quick bursts from the faucet during commercials.

Paul Harvey moves seamlessly into commercials. It's been 30 seconds.

Stop scratching that thing.

I can't. It's itching like crazy.

Can I scratch your beard?

You finished your homework?

Yes.

OK then.

Brian, you're quiet. Is community service not going well?

Lois, it's horrible. I was cleaning her house all day.

It's the worst job I've ever had. Except for one.

Excuse me. Would you like to taste my smoked-meat log?

Here you go. Enjoy your food.

Yes, enjoy your studio apartment.

You got something right here.

Where?

Other side.

Here?

The left side.

Here?

Your other left.

Where?

Up a little.

Is it gone?

Go down.

Is it gone?

Is it gone? Agh! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!

Peter, hold still!

Don't touch that bird!

What's it to you?

I'm Dr Goodman of the Quahog Ornithological Society, ironically dining in a restaurant that serves poultry.

Doctor, what is this?

It's a very rare species.

The endangered White-rumped Swallow.

Rump.

This isn't funny, Chris!

Swallow. Look, just get rid of this bird, all right?

I can't do that. Once the swallow has chosen its nesting place, it's illegal to disturb it.

He can't have a bird in his beard.

You have to wait until the bird departs of its own accord or you'll be prosecuted.

Wow! You sure know a lot of stuff.

It's great to learn.

Cos knowledge is power!

What is this? Spit soup?

Tomato bisque.

What is this? Snot soup?

Tomato bisque.

What is this? Diarrhoea soup?

I'm not making you anything else. Eat it.

Then I'll have to call the judge, and that means you'll go to jail!

You're one phone call away from getting a human booster shot from a guy named Mali.

Dammit!

Shh!

Sorry! Sorry!

Shut up.

There's nothing I can do.

Take it outside.

Ever heard of a sitter?

It's an endangered species.

I'll make you an endangered species!

Good comeback, Potsie!

I'll kick your ass!

Yeah!

Everybody shut up!

He has stopped squawking. He's receded into my beard.

We can all watch the movie. Shut up.

Eric, we're all going to Marty's after the movie.

I love you so much.

I love you too, honey.

Aah!

Aah!

What's wrong?

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

That's it. You're history, pal. No bird Frenches my wife and gets away with it.

Help! Help! I've broken my hip!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Brian!

5.3 seconds. I could have been dead by now!

You're not really...?

I heard you drop that light bulb, too. That'll be 67 cents!

Go warm me up some diarrhoea soup!

That's it! I've had it with you, you old hag!

You're a miserable, dried-up shut-in, trying to make everyone feel as bad as you do!

Why don't you do the world a big favour and drop dead?!

This last one won't open.

You gotta jiggle it.

Like this?

Let me get it.

Oh, thanks. And... you know, drop dead.

Get out of my beard, you squawking b*st*rd!

Nothing. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.

Oh, my God! Peter, no!

Lois, the bird must die!

It's gone! It's gone! Oh, thank God!

Peter, what's that sound?

Oh, my God. They're babies.

Hey, look, Lois. There are three of 'em, just like ours.

And, uh... um...

Sweet.

We now return to E's mysteries and scandals.

Pearl Burton, the Jingle Queen.

Pearl?

I'm AJ Benza. You won't find Pearl's name on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Yet from 1945 to 1960, you couldn't turn on a radio or television without hearing one of her trademark jingles.

"You're only healthy when you're tan So soak up all the sun you can With Copper... Coppertone At her peak, Pearl Burton earned 26 grand a year, which, by today's standards, would be just under 49 billion dollars.

Brian, she's beautiful.

Yeah, and that voice. I had no idea.

In 1961, Pearl used an appearance at Carnegie Hall to make the leap from jingle-singer to artist.

That's "Habanera" from Carmen. Oh, I've never heard it sung so beautifully.

Sing Coppertone!

Yeah, Coppertone!

Do Doan's Pills!

Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder!

Pepsodent!

Chiclets!

No one has seen Pearl Burton since that fateful night over 30 years ago.

She's presumed dead.

My God. I said those awful things to her!

Pearl!

Pearl, don't do this!

You should be happy. I'm doing the world a big favour!

Move! Your fur is making my feet sweat!

Pearl, listen to me. I heard you sing.

It was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.

Oh, sure. Warbling for Vick's VapoRub and Dippety-Do!

No, I mean...

Stop trying to talk me out of it! I'm a pathetic sellout!

No one who sings Carmen like you is pathetic!

What?

I heard you sing "Habanera".

You were sublime.

You... you liked my aria?

I was overwhelmed.

You're the first person who ever complimented my "Habanera". Thank you.

Well... I'd better get going. I'll see you tomorrow.

But you're not scheduled tomorrow.

I know.

And then the cow came out of the barn. See? Look, there's the cow.

And what does a cow say?

Yes! Yes, that's right. A cow says "Peep-peep-peep-peep. "

Peter, they're getting awfully big.

So?

A mother knows when it's time for her babies to leave the nest.

Hey, they're free to go any time they want! Aah!

Fine. I'll let 'em go.

Pearl, do you rent or own?

Own what?

Those wings, you angel. That was fantastic. That was so incredible.

What do you want for dinner? I was thinking of making that lamb and rice you love.

Pearl, what I'd really like for dinner is to go out.

Brian, you know I can't do that. I haven't left this house in such a long time.

I'm afraid.

I know. But I'll be with you.

I don't know.

There's so much you've missed in the last 30 years.

In fact, allow me to fill you in.

"The '60s brought the hippie breed And decades later things have changed indeed We lost the values but we kept the weed You've got a lot to see The Reagan years have laid the frame For movie stars to play the White House game We're not too far from voting Feldman-Haim You've got a lot to see The town of Vegas has got a different face Cos it's a family place with lots to do Where in the '50s, a man could mingle with scores of all the seediest whores Now his children can, too You heard it from the canine's mouth The country's changed - that is, except the South And you'll agree No one really knows, my dear lady friend Just quite how it all will end So hurry cos you've got a lot to see The baldness gene was cause for dread But that's a fear that you can put to bed They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head You've got a lot to see The PC age has moved the bar A word like "redneck" is a step too far The proper term is "country music star"

"You've got a lot to see Our flashy cellphones make people mumble "Gee whiz"

"Look how important he is, his life must rule. "

"You'll get a tumour, but on your surgery day The doc will see it and say Wow, you must really be cool"

" Lots you may have missed Like Pee Wee and his famous wrist Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phony eye That Thundercats cartoon Neil Armstrong on the moon Neil Armstrong? Wait, was he the trumpet guy?

"So let's go see the USA They'll treat you right unless you're black or gay or Cherokee But you can forgive the world and its flaws And follow me there because You've still got a hell of a lot to see You've got a lot to see Brian, I've missed so much! I wouldn't be standing here right now if it wasn't for you!

She's in here. Tell the disorderly when you're ready to leave.

Don't you mean the orderly?

No, I mean the disorderly.

That's a doctor joke we like to make. We also like Kevin Pollak.

Oh, my God, Pearl.

Brian, I don't have much time.

I never should have made you leave. This is all my fault!

Shh, shh, shh. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Aside from the truck part, this was the best day of my life.

I only wish we could have a little more time together.

We can.

Goodbye, kids.

Goodbye, Pearl.

Hey, who wants to see a dead body?

Rough week, huh?

I've seen better.

Brian, looks like somebody's checking you out.

Nah, I'm not ready yet. Hey, you're getting some looks yourself.

I'm not ready either.