Punctured Jugular

[ Thunder crashes ] [ Laughs evilly ] [ Sawing ] [ Electricity crackles ] It's alive! [ Thunder crashes ] [ Laughs evilly ] [ Smooch! ] [ Laughs evilly ] Are you telling me it's a world without cars? Cars are banned thanks to Obama. [ Tires squeal ] from award-winning visionary director Justin Lin [ grunts ] and the worst screenwriter in the history of movies Oh! [ Bicycle bell dings ] It's on. That would be a good line to put at the end of a trailer. Yeah, clearly. For sure. Polly, are you ready to get rid of your accessories? Because that's what they are-- accessories, not love. Y-yes. Oh, I don't know if you and a camera crew are gonna be able to cure me in a single afternoon. It's a freak show either way, Polly. Oh. [ Chuckles ] [ Sighing ] Oh, well, that was sex. [ Exhales sharply ] I feel so close to you. I want you to know the truth about me. I'm not only Jem. I'm also [ twinkle! ] Jerrica Benton. Uh that's great. How about switching back over to Jem? Thanks. Not big on Jerrica. No! Wilson! [ Sobs ] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't try to move. You're still very weak. Tell me -- who are you? Wait! Wait, my friend! We can help you! Hey, you bum! No loitering in the park. Come on. Let's see some I. D. Stand down, or I'll use force! Ow! All units -- we have a fleeing suspect who's just attacked an officer. Aah! Oh! Don't hurt me! I'll take you wherever you need to go! [ Engine turns over ] Why are the police after you? [ Sirens wail ] Oh, you're right. I do talk too much. [ Tires squeal ] I can't lose them. Take the wheel! [ Water splashes ] Stop! Ah! They're getting away! You did it. You're amazing. Oh [bleep] you cops! I've never felt so alive. [ Grunts ] This is my brother's place, but he's on vacation right now. [ Screams ] Save us! [ Grunts ] I got it. I got it! Oh, get it off me! Get it off me! Stay back! Stay back! Stay back! [ Screams ] Look out! Everyone thought you were dead. I love you, but I have a family now. Ow! [ Grunts ] Wilson! I thought I'd lost you forever! Did you just hit me in the face? I am calling the cops! Ow. [ Distorted ] No witnesses. No witnesses. [ Gasps ] [ Wind blows ] [ "Benny Hill" music plays ] [ Metal clanks ] Aah! My dog! Perseus! Hey! [ Screams ] [ Screams ] Make us proud, Sabib. I will! Guys! Guys! The western dogs [Spits] they're pulling their military bases from our soil! We won! We did it! We did it! That is a close one! Oh, yeah. Sorry, Sabib. There's no way to remove the vest. What? Hey guys, you're all coming to my super bowl party, right? Oh, yeah! Hey, what kind of chips should I bring? Cool ranch or -- ooh, sorry, Sabib, my wife kind of doesn't want your suicide vest around the kids. But that's not fair! I was prepared to martyr myself for the good of us all! So, my wife's a bitch? Is that what you're saying? No! I-I [ sighs ] Bro, your wife is a bitch. "Avengers 2" is sold out. Plenty of tickets left for the movie where Kevin James gets pregnant, though. [ Sighs ] My water's breaking! [ Water splashes ] It is in your power to end this. We'll do it together. Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest super-weapon ever created! I give you Astro Boy! [ Crowd gasps ] You know what would have made a greater super-weapon? A full-grown man robot with a [bleep] shirt, you sick son of a bitch! Shall I show him my cannon, sir? Uh, no, no, no, no, no. [ Doorbell rings ] "I am required by law to notify you that I am a registered s-sex offender. " Hi, there. May I help you with anything today? Yeah. I'm looking for a lotion that'll really soften up human skin. Well, our signature series uses sea-kelp extract. Here! Try it out! Oh, this nice. Um, is there a gift with purchase? If you buy the whole set, it comes in this cute basket! I do need a basket. Put the lotion in the basket. I'm taking the set. Excellent! And your total is $635. Yikes. That is pricy. Well, you pay for quality. I guess you can't put a price on beautiful human skin. [ Both laugh ] True. No! Please, mister! Let me go! It puts the moisturizer, refining serum and body buffer on its skin, or else it gets the hose again. Oh -- wow! CrÃ¨me de la mer? This stuff's insanely expensive. You're telling me, but obviously, people are willing to pay. Guilty as charged. [ Both laugh ] Seriously, put the [bleep] lotion on your skin. Who is she? What does she want? Ooh! Oh, dear. Oh, my! It's -- it's $10 each or $100 for all at once. Well, that sounds perfectly reasonable. Mr. Gargamel, how do you plead to the charges of kidnapping, murder, and consumption of 182 smurfs? Guilty, your honor. They were delicious. Then you are hereby sentenced to 50 years for racially motivated hate crimes. Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm no racist! All I was trying to do was round up every last smurf on earth and eradicate their entire species. You just gave the textbook definition of genocide. Whoops. So, me and Hitler, then. Hmm.

Velma: Why could a contractor need glow-in-the dark paint? I wonder if this has to do with the glowing ghost. *sigh* I put my parents a hundred thousand dollars in debt for that criminal science degree. I need to rethink my life.

Shaggy: Zoinks!

Velma: *gasp* Shaggy!

(Velma trips over a toolbox)

Velma: Oh, My glasses.

(Velma falls backwards off the bulding)

Velma: Aah! Jinkies!

Shaggy: G-g-g-glowing ghost!

(Velma lands backfirst on a pole, bleeding from her face)

Fred: Velma!

Daphne: Oh my god!

Glowing Ghost: Oh! Oh! I just puked right in my fucking mask!

Fred: Velma faces twelve to eighteen months of physical therapy with no insurance. While she's on that fun journey, we need someone to fill her role.

Shaggy: Like, dude. Me and Scoob already put an ad on Craigslist.

Scooby-Doo: Yeah! Craigslist!

Shaggy: *laugh* Like here she is now.

(Lisbeth Salander encounters the group on her motorcycle)

Lisbeth Salander: I am Lisbeth Salander.

Fred: I know we need a team nerd, but do they always have to be such boner killers?

(The gang is seen in the Mystery van with Lisbeth Salander)

Daphne: Hey Lisbeth. I really like your, um? (thinks to herself in her mind: Hair, eyebrows, make-up, piercings, tattoos, outfit, hygene, manners, smile, accent) Hey Fred, turn up the radio!

Fred: The owner of this amusment park says a ghost is scaring away all his customers. My plan is we split up.

Lisbeth Salander: You are incompetent.

Fred: Huh?

Lisbeth Salander: The owner of this park is bankrupt. These are his financial records.

Fred: Don't implicate me in whatever you're doing.

Daphne: Lots of honest people file chapter 11, Lisbeth

Lisbeth Salander: Here are his personal emails. He has fifty thousand dollars in gambling debt.

Fred: Well, gambling is a deplorable vice.

Lisbeth Salander: Here are receipts for a ghost costume, a one way ticket to Brazil, and twelve drums of acetone, the most common arson accelerant. He is planning to burn the park for the insurance money, blame it on a ghost, and flee the country.

(Everyone looks at her computer then on her, stunned)

Fred: I say we split up.

(The Amusement Park Owner appears from behind the gang)

Amusment Park Owner: Ooohhh!

Fred: Look out!

Shaggy: Zoinks!

Scooby-Doo: Ruh-roh!

Lisbeth Salander: That is Philip W. Anderson, the president and CEO of this-

Shaggy: Like, run!

(The gang runs from the amusment park owner. Daphne pulls Lisbeth along with them)

(Cut to Daphne and Lisbeth Salander standing face to face)

Lisbeth Salander: You wear too much purple.

Daphne: I know. It matches my eyes.

Lisbeth Salander: The only humans with naturally purple eyes are albinos.

Daphne: Fine, they're contacts. God! You think you know everything, huh? You think you're so cool. You know, you're not the only one with a badass tattoo.

(Daphne lifts up her shirt to reveal a tattoo of Fred on her lower back)

Lisbeth Salander: I think a tumbleweed just blew through my vagina.

Daphne: I know! It sucks! Fred sucks! I have the worst boyfriend in the world!

Lisbeth Salander: Maybe you could try handcuffing him to your bed.

Daphne: Oh, I guess that could spice things up.

Lisbeth Salander: Yes! And then sodomize him with a stainless-steel revenge dildo!

(Lisbeth and Daphne begin to tongue kiss)

Fred: Oh. So that's how these girls play.

(Fred unzips his pants and starts to masturbate)

Fred: Ohhh.

(Cut to Shaggy and Scooby walking around the camp)

Shaggy: This whole park smells like sex all of a sudden, and I get stuck with a four-legged tang repellant.

Scooby-Doo: Tang repellant? Maybe it's the soul patch.

Shaggy: Did you just diss the soul patch?

(Two claws picks up Shaggy and Scooby by the throat)

Scooby-Doo: It's the ghost!

Shaggy: Like zoinks!

Amusement Park Owner: Hoohoohoo! Ooh!

(Amusement Park Owner raises them with a button remote, trying to hang them)

(Lisbeth Salander hits the Amusement Park Owner in the head with a sledgehammer)

(Fred picks up his wallet)

Fred: Look! It was the amusement park owner after all. (Runs off to Shaggy and Scooby)

Lisbeth Salander: Imbecile.

(Fred and Daphne realeses Shaggy and Scooby from the claws)

Daphne: We actually solved the mystery without Velma.

Shaggy: And without a tacked-on car chase and explosion, unlike "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"

(Steigg Larsson's ghost appears behind Lisbeth Salander)

Steigg Larsson: Ohhhhh! Thanks for the critique, guys!

Group: Steigg Larsson?! Author of "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"?!

Steigg Larsson: Maybe I would've done a second draft if I hadn't died of a fucking heart attack!

Amusement Park Owner: *pain inhale*

Shaggy: Hey old dude! Did you lose a contact lens?

Amusement Park Owner: I just took a hammer to the skull! I think my fucking retina flew off!

(The group laughs)

Scooby-Doo: Scooby Dooby D