Strange Bedfellows

Oh, Niles, look at the cake that I got for my friend Mona's retirement party. Oh, it's beautiful. / It's plaster of Paris. Why would anyone buy a fake cake? Well, because, you know, I'm gonna take it out of the box, they're all going to ouh and ah, and then say, "Not for me. I'm an a diet. " This way I can use it again. Plus I can carry it on the bus like this. Is Mona excited about her retirement? Oh, I'm sure she's thrilled. After all those years killing herself working as a nanny. Believe me, there's a lot of pressure being responsible for the lives of other people's children. Fran, where's Brighten? / I don't know. Oh, you do know there's a piece broken off the side? Oh, I know. I had it at my mother's not ten minutes. She said it's dry, but if you dunk it in Sanka, it's delish. Niles, I seem to be fresh out of clean handkerchiefs again. You know, Mr. Sheffield, my mother has a cold remedy that never fails. Niles, next time you cut up a chicken, save the feet. Actually, I'm beginning to feel a lot better. See, never fails. / Ha! Ha! Ha! None for me. / I can't. I'm on a diet. Oh, you girls have such great willpower. Well, if you're not gonna eat it, neither will I. So, Annie, tell me, what did you get Mona for her retirement present? Well, you know how much she loves Vicki Carr. / Yeah? I got her the new CD. Oh, you know, someone already gave her that. You better take it back. / Thanks, Fran. Here she comes. Here she comes. Happy retirement! Congratulations! Oh, shut up. Give somebody's kid the best years of your life, and what do you get? A pat on the back and a couple stinking Vicki Carr CD's. Mona, did you switch perfumes? I think this is a little too woodsy. That's not perfume. The boss is turning my room into a cedar closet. Cheer up, Mona. Think about the big party your boss is making for you at the Waldorf on Saturday night. Oh, that reminds me, who's taping Dr. Quinn? Meanwhile, when the party's over, he goes home to Fifth Avenue. And I move into a dump in Queens and say good-bye to little Skippy forever. Oh, now, Mona, little Skippy's doing his residency at New York Hospital. I think that you you've milked this nanny routine long enough. When I started this job, I was 29, gorgeous, a figure like you. Look what happens after 20 years of eating all that rich food his butler makes. Don't you worry. Me and you are nothing alike. I mean, you chose to be a nanny. I just fell into it when my fiancee dumped me. Fran, that's exactly what happened -- / Thank you, Lupie. Mona is right. We're nothing alike Hey, moron, scoop that poop! Well, wait a minute here. We're not alike because I've got a skill that I can fall back on. That's what I thought. See, I was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens until my boyfriend kicked me out in one of those crushing scenes -- / Stop it, Mona! Oh, I'm so depressed. Give me that cake. Oh, um, ah, woopsey. I dropped it. It's still good. / No, it's not. No, it's not. It's got dirt all over it. Plaster of Paris. I used to do that. It's a hell of a lot easier to carry on the bus, huh, Fran? Ahhhhh! Come on, Niles, tell me what Maxwell's getting me for my birthday. I'll give you 50 bucks. No. But if you'll tell me your age, I'll tell you. All right. 75. / There, that wasn't so hard to admit, now was it? Nanny Fine, how sweet. That's for my birthday, isn't it? / Ah, yeah. "Congratulations, Mona?" Mona's your Hebrew name. So how was the park? Was Mona surprised? No. But I was. You know, Niles, being a nanny is a thankless job. I mean, I'm history the minute Gracie starts shaving her pits. Feeling a tad insecure about our future? Actually, I'm not the least bit concerned about yours. I mean, as long as you can put a tea bag in a cup of water, you got a career. Meanwhile, I'm out of here as soon as the last kid graduates. Fran, have you seen my math book? I have to study. No, honey, but who cares really? So what if you got left back? What's your rush? Look, second grade could be the best four years of your life. Go. Watch cartoons. Oh, wait. All right, go ahead. Hubba, hubba. Are you sure you want to waste that on a nanny retirement party? Oh, Niles, Mona is one of my closest friends. I want to look nice for her. Cardiologist Convention in the next ballroom? / Yeah. Hum Niles, do you have my cold medicine? / Yes. Here you are, sir. You don't have to watch me. I'll take it. I'm an adult. Yes, I mixed in the honey. All right, then, carry on. Oh, Miss Fine, I thought the PTA meeting was next week. Don't be ridiculous. I can't sit in this. Well, have a wonderful time at the party tonight, Miss Fine. / Thank you. As a matter of fact, why don't you take tomorrow off? Huh? You deserve it. You've been doing a wonderful job. Oh, thanks, Mr. Sheffield. Gee, whatever you're taking, keep taking it. Oh Mona, wow! You like? Labels For Less. I think it's Eaves St. Bernard. So guess what. I don't have to go back to Queens. Your boss said he can't let you go because he realized that the reason why he never remarried was because he was in love with you all these years? No. I'm moving to Florida. / Oh I'm gonna live with my mother. / Oh I don't mind sharing a sofa bed with my grandma. She's 100 this year. Can you believe it? Your mother and your grandmother. Better. Yeah. Grandma doesn't take up much space, and she can't roll over. So I just have to get used to sleeping on a plastic liner. Well, you know, it's so much easier doing laundry when you can use a bottle of 409 and a sponge. Let's go, gorgeous. The boss gave me the limo, and the bar is stocked. Oh, Mona, you know, I can't drink. One sip of Manischewitz at Passover, and I'm humming the "Jeopardy" theme during the four questions. Oh, I know you can't drink either, honey, but wait till the first time the boss tells you, "Take the day of. You're doing a great job. " / Why? It's the beginning of the end, honey. It means they don't need you anymore. Well, maybe just one Pink Squirrel. Gee, I don't know what they put in a Pink Squirrel. But I don't know how squirrels hold onto their nuts. Okay. Doing good. Doing good. Doing good. Doing bad, doing bad. Doing bad. Oh, I knew I had a door. Doing good again. She works hard for the money. So hard for the money. She works hard for the money, but he never treats her right. She works hard for the money -- the money. Oh, so hard for her money. She works hard for the money, but he never treats her right. Oh, my God. I better comb my hair Boy, I better get rid of some of those pant suits. Damn Annie Hall. Oh Oh! Oh, I'll take my makeup off in the morning. Da, da, dee. Oh, what are you doing here? The sun is up? Oh, Niles, just give it a rest. Today is my birthday. You're not going to get my goat. Why? Did you two get engaged? Niles, just shut up. How's Maxwell? Is he feeling any better? / Well, I think so, yes. He took a wonderful Jewish remedy last night. I wish there was something I could do for him. Well, I'd love to stay and chat, Miss Babcock, but Mr. Sheffield is waiting. And you know how much better he feels and how happy he is when someone brings him his tray. / Oh, let me do it. Let me do it. Oh, no, no, no, Miss Babcock, I couldn't. / Oh, just give me the stupid tray. Oh, no, no, no, no. Now, you really shouldn't be in his room. Why? Oh, my birthday present's up there, isn't it? I'm right, aren't I? / Oh, you know me like a book. Oh, Maxwell Maxwell. Ahhhhhhhh! Oh, Cee Cee. Cee Cee, what on earth are you doing in here? What am I doing here? What is she -- she doing here? Who? Oh. Ahhhh! Miss Fine! Oh, I'm having that dream again. Oh! Mr. Sheffield? What are you doing in -- your room? Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you Would you all kindly get out of my room. Happy birthday, Miss Babcock Miss Fine, there has to be a perfectly rational explanation to all this, but with you, that's so rarely the case. What? Well, nothing. It's just that you could use a tic tac or something. How the devil did you get in here in the first place? Oh, I don't know. I must have gotten a little snockered at the nanny party. What's your excuse? Well, I did take a lot of cold medicine last night -- I -- I don't need an excuse. It's my bloody room. Snockered? I thought you didn't drink? Look, I'm a grown woman. I could have a lousy pink drink if I want one. I'm going through a personal crisis. Meanwhile, these sheets are gorgeous. Do you know if Niles has to iron 'em? Miss Fine, focus. / Don't tell me to focus. You're going to turn my room into a cedar closet while I rot in Florida curled up next to Grandma Yetta on sheets designed by Rubbermaid. You should come with a bloody owner's manual, you know that? I've given you the best years of my life, and this is what you do to me? I haven't done anything to you. Did I? Oh, God, did we? What -- what -- what am I talking about? If we did, I think I would remember. You bet you would. / Miss Fine! Now, don't panic. I know nothing happened. I can guanantee it because my ears don't itch. There. Okay? All right. Just because I'm desperate, I'm gonna ask you, what do your ears have do with anything? Well, I can't really explain it. All I know is that the next day my ears always itch. Oh, wow, like you don't have a thing? Well, all right, I sing. Any particular song, or do you just scout? "Georgie Girl. " Hey, gee, I've been working here for two years and I've never once heard you sing -- great stones. Oh, God, Niles, it was so embarrassing having Miss Babcock come into my room when she did. Oh, yes, I know. If only I'd been there to stop her. I could just kick myself. It's not your fault, old man. You know, the worst part of it is it was her birthday, and no one remembered. Oh, I did, sir. / Oh, really? How nice. Did you get her something? Gave it to her this morning. You know, Niles, I've forgotten what it was like to wake up in the morning with your bed smelling of perfume. / Oh, I hear you, sir. I just wonder what's troubling Miss Fine. Oh, what am I wondering for? I'm standing here with Liz Smith. I resent that, sir. But according to my sources, Miss Fine is feeling a little insecure about the future. Aren't we all? Perhaps she should use a little less of that bloody aerosol hair spray. Oh, no, no, no. Not the future of the world, sir. She's concerned about the golden years. Oh, no. They canceled her favorite TV show? Oh, please, sir, work with me. What's to become of Miss Fine when her services here are no longer required? Oh, you're talking about after the children are grown, aren't you? Always one step ahead of me, sir. Fran, what are you doing? Well, you know, I can't be a nanny forever. I have to have something to fall back on, and it says here if you can draw Blinkie, you too can have a lucrative career in animation. This doesn't look anything like Blinkie. Hey, maybe you could try driving the big rigs on the other side the match box? Oh, shut up. Go get me some tracing paper. Come in. Hi, doll. / Oh, Mona, what are you so dressed up for? Oh, don't tell me it's a holy day and I didn't go to Temple. Now, God's going to punish me, and there goes my career in animation. No, no, Franny. I'm getting married. / Oh, Mona. Oh, I hope it wasn't that waiter last night that gave you the two end cuts. Because, you know, he left with the Yorkshire pudding guy arm in arm. No It's my boss. We were saying good night at the Waldorf, and he asked me to come back to the house, and I thought, what? Did I forget to clean my drain? No, no. He had something to give me. Look. / Oh, Mona, it's gorgeous. Oh, I'm so happy for you. No one deserves it more than you. Meanwhile, do you think this looks like Blinkie? Honey, I gotta go. He chartered a plane. / Oh Oh, and by the way / Yeah? You know that cedar closet? / Yeah? It was for me. For me. For me. / Oh Miss Fine / What? Well, Miss Fine, please sit down. Look, if it's about my lipstick on your pillow shams, don't lose any sleep over it. It's never coming out. No, no, no, Miss Fine. When I first hired you, I thought I was just getting a nanny. But, well, you've turned out to be so much more. Mr. Sheffield, what's this all about? Well, I -- I don't want you to think this job is going nowhere and that, when the children are grown, you'll be all alone. I want to take care of you for the rest of your life. Oh, could I just call my mother? Oh, wait, I'll fill her in. I'll fill her in. Miss Fine, there's something I want to give you. Oh, wait a sec. Wait a sec. Go ahead. It would give me great pleasure if you would -- / Yeah? Yeah? -- let me buy you a condominium. / Huh? For your retirement. / A condo? That's what you want to give me for my future? Oh, I'll tell you, I have never been so -- would it include carpet and Plantation shutters? Yeah, of course. / Pets okay? Because I'd probably want a cat. Whatever you want. So happy? / Yeah. Oy, this is gonna take forever. Oh, Mr. Sheffield, by the way, I'm sorry about last night. Oh, Miss Fine, don't you worry about that. I think we should put that whole incident behind us. And after all, nothing happened, right? / Right? Hey there, Georgie girl, what a nice --