I Am the Walrus

So, I watching this show about spiders on Animal Planet. We were watching a show about spiders. Doesn't hurt your story to include me. If you're going to set the scene, set it right. Do you want to tell the story? I don't remember what happened. Maybe I wasn't there. Anyway, there's this one spider that's unlike any other insect. The mother actually takes care of her young after they hatch. Oh, that is so sweet. Then, once the babies are big enough, they overpower their mom and eat her. Arachno-matricide! When I turned 15, I ate my dad. What is happening at this dinner? It's spiraling out of control. Every year, on my birthday, I take a celebratory nibble off his severed leg. I keep it in the freezer. That must be what's making the ice cubes all fuzzy. Damn it, Roger. Your race is the most disgusting Finished! What just happened? Steve finished his dinner. But I still have three bites left. I always finish first. Well, I guess not tonight. So these popsicles are weird. It's finally happening. What? Steve. He finished his meal before me. He's challenging me for dominance. Like when the young, upstart lion forces the elderly lion out of the pride and into the wilderness to die alone. You're watching too many nature shows. You know what's a good show? You shutting up and going to bed. This is the beginning of the end. He's on the upswing, and I'm on the downswing. I've known this day would come. I've been dreading it for a long time. One last push. Oh, my God! I just tore from my "V" to my "A"! That's normal. She's ruined. It's a boy. I know you're coming for me. You're being silly. So he finished his meal first. He's growing up. It's a good thing. Well, this old lion isn't going down without a fight. Hey, I'm looking at myself in the mirror. It's not ruined. I mean, it's not good, but it's not ruined. Yay! Dr. House is skateboarding. Hey. I was eating that. Hey. I was watching that. Hey. I was sitting there. Pipe down, boy. Because that's what you are. A boy. And I'm the king of this jungle. That's odd, what you're doing. Get used to it. What are you doing? That is not how we treat little boys in this house! Hey, you're opening the wrong end. It doesn't matter what end you open. See? Now you broke it. You can't break something before you put it together, Dumbo. Don't call me my favorite movie! Oh, babe. Look at us. We're fighting all the time, like well-managed boxers. Maybe we need help. Maybe we need to talk to someone. You mean, like, a marriage counselor? No way! We've been married for, like, five minutes. They say the honeymoon phase is the hardest part. No one says that. You're driving me insane. Could you just leave the room, please? Do you want to have sex first? Whatever. Mm-hmm. Just as I expected. Dad just pushed me off the couch and took my food. I-I think he was acting like a lion. Oh, your father has a crazy idea in his head. He's just Well, he's intimidated by you. Dad? Intimidated by me? You finished your food first last night, and now he's scared you're coming into your prime and going to dethrone him. What? That's ridiculous. I'm no threat to him. We'll talk and straighten this whole mess out. Mm-hmm. That's what I thought. It smells like pee. This is my area. Look, Dad Mom said you were worried I'm going to dethrone you, and, well, I just want you to know you should be. I'm coming for you. Now I know. You're afraid of me. You've always been afraid of me. That-That's not true. Quiet! Every day, you get weaker, and I get stronger. So enjoy that popcorn and remote while you can, because soon I'll be sitting where you are, and you'll be looking for a spot under the porch where you can curl up and die. Nuh-uh. I'm the king of You're the king of nothing! Nothing. Done! For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory. Amen. Done! Done! Oh, hey. Don't mind me. I finished ten minutes ago. I'm just looking for the plunger. Mine's so big, it won't go down. Oh. Was there a rabbit in here? My reign is over. My son bested me in everything that's dear to me. Yeah, I heard about the bunny poops. I'm I'm done. He's replaced me as head of the house. Why don't you do what the animals do on your TV shows? When an older male is threatened, he responds by reasserting his dominance. The bull walrus will ward off all challengers with an extreme display of power. Only the strongest walrus will be able to mate. That's it. Klaus, you're a genius! Genius? No. You know who's a genius? Jack Worcestershire. Had a terrible name, created a terrible sauce, made a fortune. Yup, Snotters. I got my old man on the ropes. I'm the man of the house now, and he knows it. I should probably learn to make chili that's not very good that I call "my famous chili. " Ooh, comic. Ooh. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh. Ooh Sounds like Mommy found a comic. Oh, no. It's Steve. Oh, my God! Steve, don't look! Yeah, Steve, don't look. Look! Mommy and Daddy are just dancing. Yeah, we're dancing. We're not dancing. Hey, champ. I, uh, wanted to talk to you. You know, about what you just saw. Because things aren't always what they appear. Sometimes when someone is choking, you have to get behind them and give them the Heimlich. This was not that. I was not helping your mother with a leg cramp. I was not giving her a lying-down hug. I was not helping her look for her contact. I was plowing, Steve. Oh, my goodness. See, in the animal kingdom, he who mates is king. And you are many, many years from finding a mate of your own. This is nature, bitch. We're getting primal in this house. This is where we're having marriage counseling? In-in a community center pottery class? Public-assisted counseling is all we can afford, babe. Whoa! Someone actually showed up. Principal Lewis? You're a psychologist? Oh, no. I just do this to pick up some extra cash to feed my watch fetish. Look at this bad boy. Huh? Mickey Mouse in an S. S. uniform. Only ten were made in the whole world. I own five of them. Now, if only I could tell time. I'm out of here. No, babe. This is important. Looks like you two aren't seeing eye-to-eye. I can help with that. Yep, looks like the pottery class is coming in. Perhaps we should relocate as I am not legally permitted to be within 100 feet of the instructor, or more specifically, her sugary sweet ass. Oh, baby. Steve, sit next to me. I can't sit up there. My dad marked it. I'm not allowed to sit anywhere he's peed. Oh, we can pee where we sit now? Great! I don't know what to do about my dad, Roger. I was finally coming into my own. I got a taste of first-class and now I'm back in coach, squished between two fat ladies from Toronto. Ugh, Blue Jay fans are the worst. I don't know, you ever been to a Detroit Tigers game? Those fans are drunken slobs. At least there's some diversity. You ever see a black man at a Red Sox game who's not playing first base or singing the national anthem? So true, so true. You know what we should do? We should take a train into D. C., and see the Nationals play. We totally should. Maybe a day game. Yes. Will you look into getting tickets? Are we serious about this, or are we just talking about it? Pull the trigger, man, pull the trigger, let's do it. Oh, I'm so excited. I'm gonna go do it right now. That kid's a good egg. I can't believe we're going to see the Nationals play. We said it, and we're doing it. Take me out to the crowd Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks I don't care if I Wait, what are we doing? I want to talk about my dad. I don't even like baseball. Well, me neither. I thought you wanted to go. I hate that game. So slow. Not like go-carts. I love go-carts. How great are go-carts? So great. You know what we should do? We should call a cab, take it out to the slick track. Totally. And we'll just open it up and see how fast we can What?! No, Roger! I'm in a crisis with my father! Right. Well, it seems to me the only way you can regain the upper hand is to assert your dominance. Luckily, I know an easy way to make that happen. I've been trying to think of a way all day. Surely, it can't be that easy. As a matter of fact, it is. And please stop calling me Shirley. How great is the movie Airplane? So great. The pilot has an unnatural interest in that little boy. It didn't seem unnatural to me. All right, welcome to my home. As you can see, it is a (bleep). But it's a good arena for bonding exercises and a constant reminder of what happens if you try to strike some sense into you lady. You're a marriage counselor? Step one on you path to a happier union: You have 45 minutes to clean this room, but you can't talk to each other. Not one word. Trust me on this. Let's go, Jeff. This isn't real. It just got real, bitch! Now clean my house! This is even better than the first Airplane. Sonny Bono's buying a bomb at the gift shop. Hilar Roger, we did it again! Oh, right, right. We were talking about asserting your dominance over your dad. What is it with us? We're a couple of Forget-Me-Marys. Yeah, we're a couple of Distracted-Susans. Forget-Me-Marys wasn't good enough for you? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were doing like a back and forth. No, we weren't. I said we were Forget-Me-Marys, and that's what we are. Okay, you've beaten your dad in every arena except one sex. The dominant male proves himself by mating. So the solution is simple you need to bang. Bang, bang, bang. But I don't know any girls. Well luckily, I've got just the ladies' man persona who can help you get your shlinker into a woman's shlonker, if you catch my drift. I'm Ace Chapman. Star forward Wait, does it have to be consensual sex? Yes. Okay, well, then you definitely don't want Ace. Oh, don't take those. You will be conscious but paralyzed for 12 hours. Bing Cooper. Sexually active high school senior. I've pulled more tail than a slow kid at a petting zoo. You'll be on top again my friend, because I'm going to get you laid. Oh, yeah! I can finally put some of my dance moves into action. All right, our goal tonight is simple. We're not trying to win any prizes; we're not trying to find you a girlfriend; we just have to get you some sex. Now I know what you're thinking. Why don't we just go to a whorehouse? Get that thought out of your head! You don't pay for it in the jungle. If you want to be the head of the animal kingdom, you gotta hunt it and take it down yourself. Oh, dear, don't ever do that again. Here's a condom. Don't use it. Do what I do. Pretend to put it on, then hide it in your poop cannon. Let's boogie. Hey, where are you going? I was going to put the shoes to your mom again later. Want to make sure you're around to catch the show. Come on, Roger, I'm going to grab a snack from the kitchen and then we'll get out of here. No. I'm done feeding on this sandwich. You can eat my leftovers. The lesser males get the scraps. Come on, Steve, don't dignify that with a response. Principal Lewis, we've cleaned your whole house. Can we go now? Hell no. You haven't even started on the backyard. We're gonna die here. I can't do this anymore. I'm just going to take this. What's that? It paralyzes you. If I can't move, I can't work. I got it from Ace Chapman, that basketball guy who sometimes lives with us. Why don't we just give it to Principal Lewis? Good idea, babe. But how are we going to get him to take it? I'll step on his foot, and when he opens his mouth to scream, you toss the drugs. What's that, drugs? I'll take it, I don't care what it does. You crazy-ass son of a bitch. Now you only have four. Can you plug in the air freshener plug-in? It stinks down here. Here we are, suburban teenage house party. Booze and hormones are a-flowin'. Anyone can get laid here, even you. Just watch old Bing Cooper for a while. Learn from the master. You're my Obi-Wan. I'm gonna give you two seconds to leave that right out here on the lawn. Bing! What's up, fools? Wildcats take state! How does everyone know you? What do you mean? I throw parties here all the time when my parents go out of town. My parents are super into me. Who are? You grew up here? Well, we lived in Wisconsin till I was five, then my dad got transferred he worked for Toyota. That's how I learned to speak Japanese. Mu shu pork, Melissa. Hey, Beth. Hey, Bing. Here we are. The epicenter of drunk girls. The kitchen. They want to be close to the booze at all times. I don't know if I can do this, Roger. Hey, do you want to be the alpha male of the house or not? Okay, okay. But how do I approach them? What do I say? Just say the three sweet words they long to hear "Jell-O shot, bitch?" Jell-O shot? Bitch? Make it happen, Steve. Bing, I just saw an acceptance letter from UCLA on your fridge. What's going on? I thought we were going to Arizona State together? This isn't how I wanted you to find out. I wanted you to find out by me not showing up at Arizona State. What are you doing? I'm so confident Steve's not a threat to my position as alpha male, I've taken up knitting. Here, I've made you a sweater. I knitted it with nursing flaps. Oh, I'm a boy, but okay. It's still a lovely gesture. Now I have something for you. Roger has taken Steve to a party for intercourse so he can usurp you. Here's the flyer. Drink, Charlie. Don't worry. I'm just here to talk. Pop the one in the chamber. Streetwise. I like that. I'm here to get my watch back. We earned that watch. You kidnapped us and forced us into slave labor. Did I? Or did I solve your marital strife, as promised, by providing you with a common enemy? Whoa. Welcome back, Mouse-schwitz. Hey, can I get another one of those Stephen Hawking pills where my mind's working, but my body ain't? Maybe I'll write a book while I'm out. Call it A Brief History of Fine. Be about Diana Ross. Yeah Here, take the whole bottle. Great! See you all in 12 hours. Fire up the cloud car, Lando I'm coming to visit. So then I said, "Bing never gets his hair wet. " Where is he?! I've got to stop him! You're wasting your time. I'm too late. He already did it. Already did? Oh, my God, no. Look at him. Oh, that's beautiful. I was thinking of getting "Yub Yub Eee" tattooed on my chest. That's Ewok for "Steve. " But I hate taking my shirt off, plus the pain would make me cry, and once I start crying, I can't stop for at least an hour. Oh, here I go. Well, done, Stan. There's no threat of your son challenging you, and there's no threat of his son challenging him. With the way you raised him, he'll never have kids. You were so obsessed with keeping him down that he's never going to get up. Oh, speaking of not getting things up, Lucy, you really let yourself go. Gross. On, my God, what have I done? Are you happy, Dad? You win. I'm never going to be a man. I know. Especially if I keep raising you like we're walruses. Your mother was right. You're growing up, and I shouldn't try to stop you. My job as a father is to give you the skills and the confidence to send you out into the real world. Judging by tonight, I clearly haven't done that. But that changes now. You're going to get me laid? No, no, you're too young for sex. Let's start with the basics. I'm going to teach you how to shave. Looking good, Steve. I'm still going to finish before you, though. No, you're not. Yes, I am. I'm almost Done! Good job, son. Very impressive. Smooth and no nicks. You're a natural. Thanks, Dad. It's much better to practice on a man's back rather than you own face. Good thing we found your school's principal passed out in your sister's room. What do we do with him now? Hey, I know that look. I'll take it from here.