The Application Deterioration


 * Howard: Okay, I gotta ask-- why are you wearing a bow tie?
 * Sheldon: I've never applied for a patent before. I wanted to make a good impression.
 * Howard: Oh. Is the impression that your first name is Pee-Wee?
 * (Leonard chuckles)
 * Sheldon: Yeah, well, you're an engineer. End of joke, burn.
 * Tim: Come on in, fellas.
 * Leonard: See, he's not wearing a tie.
 * Sheldon: Well, he's a patent attorney. Maybe his tie is pending.
 * Tim: So, I've reviewed your paperwork, and it seems like we've got everything we need to file a patent for your infinite persistence gyroscope.
 * That's great! Excellent.
 * Leonard: So what happens next?
 * Tim: Well, the legal team needs to review existing patents to avoid overlap.
 * Howard: Oh, I don't think there will be.
 * Leonard: Yes, we did our own search.
 * Tim: That's nice, but I think ours might be a bit more thorough. (chuckles)
 * Sheldon: Get a load of this guy.
 * Howard: Can you imagine if we make money with this?
 * Leonard: If we do, I am splurging on the best sinus irrigator money can buy.
 * Howard: That old sad story-- guy gets a little money, goes straight up his nose.
 * Tim: Just need you to review and sign this document acknowledging that you understand the university will own 75% of the patent.
 * Howard: 75%?
 * Sheldon: That's outrageous. This is our idea based on our research. How can you possibly justify owning a majority share?
 * Tim: It's university policy.
 * Sheldon: I know when I'm beat.
 * Leonard: Hold on, hold on. So the three of us do all the work and only end up with 25%?
 * Tim: Dr. Hofstadter, this university has been paying your salaries for over ten years. Did you think we do that out of the goodness of our hearts?
 * Leonard: Well, until you just said that mean thing, kinda.
 * Tim: And as far as Mr. Wolowitz is concerned, I'm afraid as a federal employee on loan from NASA, your name can be on the patent, but you're not entitled to an ownership share.
 * Howard: Wait, so this can turn out to be a financial success, and I get nothing?
 * Tim: Well, sometimes they give you a plaque.
 * Sheldon: Well, that's not fair. We should all get plaques.
 * Leonard: Sorry, but we can't sign this.
 * Howard: Come on, let's go.
 * Leonard: Thank you for your time.
 * Sheldon: Couple of questions about the plaque...
 * (Leonard grabs Sheldon out of Tim's office by the arm juist as the intro theme of 'The Big Bang Theory' begins)


 * Amy: So, have you been having any morning sickness?
 * Bernadette: A little. And it doesn't help that I've got this heightened sense of smell.
 * Penny: Is that a pregnancy thing?
 * Bernadette: Yeah. The other day I sniffed out where Howie hid the Girl Scout cookies. No more Tagalongs, my ass.
 * Penny: But now you'll be able to make your own milk to eat the cookies with.
 * Raj: Hey, guys. Hey, Penny. I really appreciate you helping me with this. I don't know what to do.
 * Penny: Oh, sure. Let me see it.
 * Amy: See what?
 * Raj: I hadn't spoken to Emily since I broke up with her, and she left this on my doorstep with a note.
 * Penny: “Raj, I got you this before we split up, but couldn't return it and thought you'd like to have it. Happy belated Valentine's Day, Emily”.
 * Bernadette: (she isn't too happy) That's nice.
 * Penny: Nice, or is she trying to manipulate him?
 * Raj: I know. I mean, do I open it? Do I return it?
 * Amy: Why wouldn't you open it?
 * Raj: Well, she was pretty mad. For all I know it's a voodoo doll of me with a fork stuck in my junk.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking crossly) You don't think she'd actually send you something gross or dangerous, do you?
 * Penny: I know one way to find out-- sniff this.
 * Amy: She's pregnant, she's not a bloodhound.
 * Bernadette: Although I am getting a little machine oil. I think it's metal.
 * Penny: (she yells to Raj angrily) Come on, just open it.
 * Raj: (he sighs for a bit) You know, on Game of Thrones, Balon Greyjoy received his son's genitals in a box.
 * (Raj starts to tear the paper of his parcel)
 * Penny: Well, never hurts to have a spare.
 * Bernadette: (she asks Raj off-screen) What is that?
 * Raj: Wow. It's an antique sextant. Sailors used these to find their position by the stars.
 * Amy: What a nice gift for an astrophysicist.
 * Raj: I know, she's so thoughtful.
 * Penny: (she is now very cross) See, she's trying to get you back. Now, that is exactly what I would've gotten you if I had any idea what it is or what you do.
 * Raj: You know, I have too much self-esteem to let this girl guilt me into getting back together with her.
 * Amy: You don't need to be pregnant to smell that load of crap.


 * Leonard: Well, what if we go around the university and just get the patent ourselves?
 * Howard: We can't. It says on their Web site, as long as we work there, they have a controlling ownership of anything we come up with.
 * Sheldon: Great, so they own my idea for a T-shirt that says “Dumb as a Bag of Geologists.”
 * Leonard: Well, our choices are we do this with the university or we don't do it at all.
 * Howard: Either way, I get nothing.
 * Leonard: Or, if we ended up making money from this, Sheldon and I could split our shares with you.
 * Sheldon: To be clear, Leonard is referring to the gyroscope, not the T-shirt and mugs. Oh! Now they own the mugs.
 * Howard: I guess that is a way around this. You guys would be cool doing it like that?
 * Leonard: Of course, we can split any profits three ways.
 * Sheldon: I'm fine with that.
 * Howard: Okay, great.
 * Sheldon: It sounds like a, uh, contract might be in order.
 * Leonard: Sure, we could write something up.
 * Sheldon: But which one of us should be the party who...
 * Howard: You can do it, Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: So stipulated!
 * Leonard: Once I found a stash of contracts under his bed. It was weird.


 * Bernadette: I wonder how much she spent on this.
 * Amy: Ooh, let's find out.
 * Raj: It doesn't matter. It's the thought that counts.
 * Penny: Yeah, yeah, and beauty's on the inside, size doesn't matter-- how much she spend?
 * Raj: Seriously, guys, I don't want to know.
 * Amy: Oh, my.
 * Raj: Oh, come on, you can't say “Oh, my,” and then not tell me!
 * Amy: These things go for $500 and up.
 * (Raj reacts to Bernadette saying "Damn!" in the background)
 * Bernadette: (she is now very cross) All I got for Valentine's Day was a postcard saying my Vermont Teddy Bear was back-ordered.
 * Penny: Okay, so, she drops off a $500 gift and she's not trying to get back together with you?
 * Raj: Maybe you're right.
 * Bernadette: Or she's telling the truth and just being nice.
 * Raj: Maybe you're right. Wow, I am easy to manipulate. (phone chiming) Oh, guys, it's Emily. What should I do?
 * Penny: Okay, answer it. Just be strong. And if she starts to cry, don't make any promises. And most importantly, put it on speaker so we can hear.
 * Raj: Hello?
 * Emily: Hey, it's Emily. Is this a good time?
 * Raj: Yeah, yeah. Sure. What's up?
 * Emily: Was it okay I left that gift? I'm really hoping we can be friends.
 * Raj: Maybe, maybe.
 * Emily: Um, you think you'd want to grab a cup of coffee? {Waits while the girls whisper.} Hello?
 * Raj: I'm sorry, I seem to be taking an annoying amount of time deciding how I feel about this! I just... I miss hanging out with you.
 * Emily: It's not like I lost a friend, it's like I lost my best friend. (choking up): Is there any chance you'd want to come over? (Raj looks up at the three girls; Penny, Amy, and Bernadette all gesture "no")
 * Raj: I'm sorry, I don't think that's a good idea.
 * Emily: Okay. I'm just... (crying). I'm having a really hard time, but that's not your problem, that's mine. I-I won't bother you again, but please know that you'll always have a place in my heart. (Penny gags and sticks her finger in her mouth; Amy and Bernadette feel sick) Bye, Raj. You're a good guy.
 * Raj: Good-bye, Emily. (sighs). That was rough, you guys.
 * Penny: I know, but you did it. I'm so proud of you.
 * Raj: Well, anyway, I'll leave you to your girls' night.
 * Amy: Are you sure you don't want to stay here with us?
 * Raj: No, I kind of feel like being alone right now.
 * Bernadette:Well, if you change your mind, we'll be here. Thank you.
 * Penny: Say hi to Emily for us.
 * Raj: Will do.


 * Howard: This contract looks good to me.
 * Sheldon: I'll say it looks good. It's in my proprietary font, Shelvetica.
 * Leonard: I want to say something obnoxious, but it is easy on the eyes.
 * Bernadette: I'm a little tired, Howie. You ready to go?
 * Howard: Yeah, one sec. I just need to sign this contract.
 * Bernadette: What is it? Well, we ran into a problem about my share of the patent, so we're forming a partnership to split anything we make equally.
 * Penny: Sheldon, did you draft the contract?
 * Sheldon: You bet I did.
 * Penny: Ooh. You're gonna make out so hard tonight.
 * Bernadette: So, you're just gonna sign this without having a lawyer look at it?
 * Sheldon: Excuse me. I've been drafting contracts since kindergarten. Didn't need a lawyer to get me out of finger painting. Don't need one now.
 * Bernadette: I know, but...
 * Howard Bernie, the guys were nice enough to find a way to keep me from being cut out.
 * Bernadette: Well, I should hope so. The whole thing was your idea.
 * Amy: Well, to be fair, Howard's idea was based on Sheldon's math.
 * Leonard: Guys, everyone is involved in this, okay? Howard's invention, Sheldon's math, my original theory that space-time was like a supercooled liquid. Which I'm sure Penny would've mentioned if she wasn't working on that hangnail right now.
 * Penny: What?
 * Howard: Honey, this is fine.
 * Bernadette: (she is now very cross) If you want to sign a contract that Sheldon whipped up, go ahead.
 * Howard: Can I talk to you in the hall?
 * Bernadette: (she answers Howard crossly) Sure.
 * Howard: Excuse us.
 * Sheldon: Hey, Leonard.
 * Leonard: What?
 * Sheldon: If she doesn't think that we should apply for this patent, she's being patently absurd.
 * Leonard: Good one.
 * Sheldon: Okay, you got it. See, I was afraid it was a thinker.


 * Howard: (he's asking his wife aggressively) What are you doing?
 * Bernadette: I just want to make sure you've thought this through.
 * Howard: What's to think about? We have an invention and want to move forward.
 * Bernadette: (she really is very cross by this) Howie, you're about to form a legal partnership with Sheldon Cooper.
 * Howard: All right, if you're gonna calmly make excellent points, then I don't know if I want to talk to you. Okay. I get it. And it's sweet that you're worried about me, but I can take care of myself.
 * Bernadette: I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about me. I don't want to go through this pregnancy listening to you complain about Sheldon driving you crazy more than you already do.
 * Howard: (he shouts in violent fury) Here we go with the ironclad logic again.
 * Bernadette: You've tried to work with him before. It hasn't gone well. Why is this time gonna be any different?
 * Howard: Is the fetus helping you? 'Cause that's cheating.


 * Raj:(phone rings) Hello?
 * Claire: Hey, Raj. It's Claire.
 * Raj: How are you? Hi.
 * Raj: I'm good. Really good. Well, I don't know why I said “really good.” I'm just regular good. I really just wanted to sound confident. And that “really” was a real “really,” not a fake “really” like the first “really.”
 * Claire: Really?
 * Raj: I don't know. I lost track and I missed my exit. So, uh... so what's up?
 * Claire: Well, last time we talked, I had just gotten back together with my boyfriend, and I wanted to let you know that things didn't work out.
 * Raj: Really? I'm sorry. I swear I know other words.
 * Claire: So if you were still interested...
 * Raj: Yes! Indeed! Absolutely! Indubitably! I'm not even sure what the last one means, but it's another word, and I know it.
 * Claire: So, uh, when do you want to meet up? Uh, I'm almost off work. What are you doing now?
 * Raj: R-Right now, well... Well, actually, to-to be completely honest, I'm stopping by to see my ex-girlfriend because she's having a tough time. But... it's not like we're getting back together or anything.
 * Claire: Let me guess, the worst part about breaking up is that she doesn't have her best friend to talk to anymore?
 * Raj: That's exactly what she said! How do you know that?
 * Claire: I'm a girl. It's, like, page one out of the playbook.
 * Raj: Any chance you could send me a PDF of that playbook?


 * Leonard: They've been out there a while.
 * Amy: I hope everything's okay.
 * Sheldon: I wonder what they're talking about.
 * Penny: (she's enormously cross) If you guys would shut up, I could tell you. Oh. Be cool, be cool, be cool.
 * Howard: Hey.
 * Amy, Sheldon and Penny: Hello.
 * Leonard: Hey. You guys all right?
 * Howard: Yeah. But, um, we were talking, and... I'm a little concerned about the three of us forming a partnership.
 * Sheldon: Are you suggesting a limited liability corporation? (Howard mutters 'Hm?') 'Cause I did not L-L-see that coming.
 * Howard: Sheldon, my concern is not with the money or anything. It's-it's with how you treat me.
 * Sheldon: Well, I believe I'm treating you generously. That's why I've stipulated in the contract that your contributions to our invention are as valuable as my own.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Sheldon crossly) Are you saying that his contributions aren't as valuable as yours?
 * Sheldon: No, I am not saying that, because I kept saying that this morning and Leonard said, “Stop saying that”
 * Howard: See? This is what happens every time we work together.
 * Penny: You know what, hang on. What if Sheldon had no choice but to be respectful?
 * Leonard: Is there a switch on the back of his neck we don't know about?
 * Penny: No. What I'm saying is you could add a clause to the contract that he can't make fun of Howard.
 * Bernadette: How would you enforce it?
 * Sheldon: Oh, please. Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.
 * Amy: And his obsessive-compulsive disorder.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, that, too. And scoot over. Part of your shadow's on my spot.
 * Leonard: Howard, what do you think?
 * Howard: I'm on board.
 * Sheldon: I'll add it right now. Oh, baby, it's addendum time!


 * Raj: (line ringing)
 * Emily: Hello?
 * Raj: Hey, Emily, listen, I've been thinking, and I'm not sure it's a good idea that I come over.
 * Emily:Oh. (crying): Okay. I understand.
 * Raj: No, no. Please don't cry.
 * Emily:Okay, I'll stop! (Crying harder.)


 * Raj: Hello? Hey, so, listen, Claire, change of plans...
 * Claire: Fine. Do what you want, but she's playing you.
 * Raj:I don't think so. She sounded pretty upset.
 * Claire: You mean like... “I was just really looking forward to seeing you. I'm having such a rough day.”


 * Raj: Emily, listen... I'm sorry, but I can't come by.
 * Emily: Why not?
 * Raj: I think we both know if I come over, we're gonna get back together and...
 * Emily: I told you I needed a friend. What do you think is happening here?
 * Raj:Call you right back.


 * Sheldon: The-the revisions I made start on page four.
 * Penny: Wow. That is a lot of “whereupons”.
 * Amy: You should see the Valentine's Day card he gave me.
 * Howard: “Article three: As it pertains to this project, Dr. Sheldon Cooper promises to abstain from all insulting or disrespectful language directed toward Howard Wolowitz, including but not limited to: mockery of engineering, his height, his hair, his wardrobe, and his insane belief that the Ghost Rider movie was, quote, 'not that bad.'”
 * Leonard: Hang on. Maybe there should be a “no insult” clause about me, too.
 * Sheldon: Do you still like cilantro?
 * Leonard: Yeah.
 * Sheldon: You're tying my hands here.
 * Howard: All right, let's sign this.
 * Penny: Wait, wait, wait. What are these changes on page six?
 * Amy: Sheldon, what did you do?
 * Howard: I should've known.
 * Bernadette: “25% of profits due to Sheldon Cooper will be allocated to a scholarship fund for the firstborn child of Howard and Bernadette Wolowitz” Sheldon, that's so nice.
 * Leonard That beats the onesie I was gonna get them from Baby Gap.
 * Howard: That's very generous, Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: Oh, I've always valued education over money. And the very fact that you needed a written guarantee of respect made me realize how dismissive I've been of your contributions.
 * Howard: I appreciate that.
 * Sheldon: And I just hope that this scholarship can rescue your child from the subpar education and menial life of an engineer.
 * Amy: Sheldon. What?
 * Sheldon:I didn't sign it yet.


 * Raj: I hear what you're saying, but I've known Emily a long time, and I think she deserves the benefit of the doubt.
 * Claire: All right, it's your life. But you know how this is gonna end.
 * Raj: As a matter of fact, I do. I'm gonna comfort her, because I'm a caring and decent friend who's happy to be there when she needs someone to talk to.


 * (The last shot of Raj and Emily naked in bed together)
 * Raj: Good talk.
 * (Raj and Emily smile indistinctly)