The Ornithophobia Diffusion


 * Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, get away from me, you monster!


 * Penny: Remember, he's more afraid of you than you are of him.
 * Sheldon: That doesn't help.
 * Penny: I was talking to the bird.


 * Sheldon: (triple knock) Go away, bird! (triple knock) Go away, bird! (triple knock) Go away, bird!


 * Leonard: No, you always picked, and it was always the same, an hour-and-a-half of  in the rain 'til the woman turns around and realizes love was here all along.


 * Sheldon: It’s remarkable. All that time spent in fear. And for what? He’s magnificent. Oh, dear. I just realized I haven’t offered you a beverage.
 * Bernadette: (rather happy by Sheldon's attitude of bird feeding) Oh, it’s just like my grandma with her parrot. And after she lost her marbles with her remote control.
 * Sheldon: My phone’s on the desk over there. Take a picture of us together. Make it good enough to go on a mug, a mouse pad, and a calendar. If you were a dove, I’d call you Lovey-Dovey. Oh. Who am I kidding? This isn’t a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You’re just my little Lovey-Dovey, aren’t you?
 * Amy: Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.
 * Bernadette: (speaks with embarrassment) I still think he looks like someone’s pet. Maybe we should put up posters.
 * Sheldon: Yes. It should have a big picture of him, and the words, is this your bird? Not anymore.
 * (Bernadette looked silent with complete anger by what Sheldon had said)
 * Sheldon: We’re going to have so much fun together. You can carry messages to all my enemies. I can tie a string to your leg and fly you like a kite.
 * Amy: (with a rather cunning smile) If you’re keeping him, I’ve got a cage you can borrow. One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. It was both tragic and hysterical.
 * (Bernadette just smiles crossly and says nothing)
 * Sheldon: Nonsense. No. Lovey-Dovey doesn’t sleep in a cage. No. Lovey-Dovey sleeps in his very own nest, which I’m going to get off the windowsill and put in my room. Isn’t that right, LD? (Opens window. Bird flies out.) No. Where are you going? Come back, Lovey-Dovey! This is your home now! I already ordered 20 pounds of bird feed off of Amazon! He’s gone.
 * Amy: (mega-fully worried) I’m sorry, Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: How could he do this to me? Get back here, you stupid bird, so I can love you!
 * (Amy looks frightened by Sheldon's yell through the window and the screen fades to black)


 * Amy: (She is not entirely happy) Sheldon, what do you expect us to do?
 * (Bernadette and Amy turn their heads at the timid and sensitive Sheldon in the doorway)
 * Sheldon: You’re biologists. Biology is the study of living things. That’s a living thing, get cracking.
 * (Bernadette and Amy exchange glances for a second)
 * Bernadette: (she is rather nervous) I specialize in microorganisms, and Amy studies brains.
 * Amy: (she's scolding at Sheldon indignantly) Yeah, neither of us minored in bird-shooing.
 * Sheldon: (he is extremely annoyed) Oh, come now. Your undergraduate work must have included a varmints and critters class.
 * Bernadette: (crossly) Come back in, Sheldon, he’s not going to hurt you.
 * (She walks up to the top of the couch joyfully)
 * Bernadette: He looks friendly. I think he might be someone’s pet.
 * Sheldon: No, Bernadette, don’t be a hero!
 * Bernadette: Oh, he’s a sweetie.
 * Sheldon: Yes. It’s very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet.
 * (Bernadette ignores Sheldon and admires the bird, Amy now gets more crosser at Sheldon)
 * Amy: Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman.
 * Sheldon: Every year tens of people around the world are killed by birds. I’m not going to be another statistic.
 * Bernadette: Look how sweet he is. Come over and say hi. Come on. You can do it. Don’t be scared. Come on.
 * (Sheldon starts reaching for three seconds, he then put his hands on the top of his heart and sighs with fright as Bernadette now yells at him angrily for a second)
 * Bernadette: (she is so extremely cross) Oh, just pet the bird, you big baby!
 * (Sheldon now reaches to give the bird a tiny stroke)
 * Sheldon: (he's sighing with excitement) I did it!
 * (Amy smiles reactingly)
 * Sheldon: I actually did it.
 * (sighs for three seconds and bosses Bernadette)
 * Sheldon: Okay, now flush him.
 * (Bernadette just glares at Sheldon crossly at the 'flush him' order that he has given her).


 * Howard: I'm pushing "play"--I mean it; yeah, if we don't start soon George Lucas is gonna change it again.


 * Raj: I really don't get your problem with birds.
 * Sheldon: What the question you should be asking is what is their problem with me?


 * Sheldon: (on the phone) I'd like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I'm sorry; this is Animal Control. I don't understand the laughter.


 * Sheldon:  are the  of the flower world.


 * Sheldon: Age 7: a bloodthirsty chases me up a tree. Age 12: a  tries to steal the . Age 16: a  in a  calls me "fat ass". Need I go on?
 * Raj: Yes, please, this is way better than the movie!


 * Howard: I have a  from.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, but you got a can-do attitude, and that's what's important.


 * Raj: That is one tough birdie.


 * Sheldon: It’s called ornithophobia. And someday it will be recognized as a true disability, and the landlord will be required by law to put a giant net over the building. Which is unfortunate, because I have a fear of nets.


 * Penny: Oh, it’s not a date, Leonard. It’s just a man and a woman hanging out, not having sex at the end of the night.
 * Leonard: Sounds like most of my dates.


 * Sheldon: Bird in the apartment! Bird in the apartment! (sees the bird standing on his spot) No