Bitch Pudding's The Crucible


 * Sammy: Oh, my sweet daughter, Betty. What is there to be done with you?
 * Bitch Budding: Uncle Sammy, Susanna sad ass is back. Should I tell her to [bleep] the hell off?
 * Sammy: No, Bitch Pudding. [Chuckles] Send her in. [yelling] Susanna!!! I'm sorry, Reverend. Dr. Griggs said that her sickness may be the result of unnatural causes. My daughter's illness is not supernatural, Susanna. Yeah [bleep] the hell on off. Everyone's saying there's witchcraft all around, running their [bleep] sucking mouths about spells and shit? And what am I supposed to tell them? That Tituba forced my daughter and niece to cavort with spirits in the forest? Psh! There weren't no spirits out there. Then what was going on? - Show your tits! - Whoo! [Laughs] Yeah! You crazy, girl. [Glass shatters] Yeah! Nothing. There can be no doubt that witchcraft is at play in this town! Dirty, filthy witchcraft! Ms. Pudding, would you give your account of what happened? It wasn't no whack-ass witchcraft. You see? Just stupid little girls having fun. Stupid? [Clears throat] He's right. We were just having fun with the devil! [Spectators murmur] Oh, Christ. It was horrible, Mr. Hale. Tituba was dancing with the devil, and I'm not saying I saw anything, but I'm pretty sure he penetrated her. - All right. - In the fart blaster! Ugh! Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh. Yeah, yeah. [Imitates fart] Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Uh, yes. I also saw Goody Putnam dancing with the devil. [Spectators gasp] Yes. In the fart blaster? And the halibut hole! Right after she refused to give me a couple bucks to buy candy. Hmm. Who else? Who else? [Groaning] Stop! She's lying! She's trying to get revenge on my husband because he won't lay with her anymore! - And what proof have you? - I managed to capture them doing it. Man: [gasps] Photograph? She's a witch! [Laughs] And she's a girl who had sex! Get her! Uh-oh. [Indistinct talking] At least I can rest easy knowing that lying harlot Bitch Pudding will burn alongside me.
 * Betty: I'm not Bitch Pudding! I'm Betty! My awful cousin knocked me out in the bathroom, and now I'm here! Then where's Bitch Pud [Screams]
 * Bitch Pudding: [Clears throat] This has been Arthur Miller's "the Crucible". Remember, kids, write a shitty, thinly veiled metaphor for McCarthyism, and you, too, can stick your limp-ass candle up Marilyn Monroe's wind tunnel. Copyright Elton John and Bernie Taupin. Peace