The Squat and The Hover

Men. So you're not paying any rent at all? Walden doesn't want my money, we're friends. Wow. I can't wait till I grow up and find a friend of my own to live off of. That's my dream for you. Mail's here. Whoa! - Whoa! - Whoa! Hey! Uh, Walden, are you feeling okay? Yeah, fine. Why? Your junk's all over the couch, dude. Yeah, so? It's my house, my couch, my junk. Fair point. Remember, we're guests. I thought we were friends. What is this? Package for "Alan Smith" from "Penis Pump Industries. " Nobody here by that name. I'll just I'll take this back to the post office. Oh boy, perfect. What? It's my divorce papers from Bridget. Oh, oh, I'm sorry, man. I remember getting my divorce papers. That was a sad, sad day. Remember, Jake? I wasn't with you, I was with Mom. She had a party on a boat. You gonna be okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I guess I knew it was coming. Well, that's a very healthy attitude. Of course, I was hoping she'd change her mind. But if I had hope in one hand and poop in the other, guess which hand would be full? The poop hand? Bingo. Yes. Well, my marriage is over. Big deal. It's only the final death knell of the most meaningful relationship of my life. Bong. That was a knell. But you're young. I'm sure you'll find someone else eventually. Yeah, yeah, I mean, sure. It's easy to find a soul mate. Heck, you practically trip over them everywhere you turn. Oh, look, a soul mate! Oh, jeepers, there's another soul mate! Everywhere I look it's another soul mate. No, it's a great day. It's just another fabulous day in the life of Walden Schmidt. Yah! Dad? Yeah? Please tell me I'm not done growing. Knock yourself out. Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Men, men, men, manly men, men Ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men Ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah. Men. Men. - Walden? - Yeah? What you doing? If I'm going to forget Bridget and start a new life, I got to get rid of the old one. Uh-huh. So, uh, so this is all Wedding photos and love letters. Right, right. Oh, this is from our second date. "I am bananas over you. " Isn't that adorable? Burn in Hell, little monkey. This-- wedding video. Honeymoon video. Oh, maybe I'll keep that one. Listen, I understand that you're very upset right now, but there may come a time when you'll regret not having some of this stuff. You still have your wedding photos? Well, the half that she gave me. And by half, I mean half of each picture. Yeah, well, I don't want any mementos. In fact, I don't even want to think about Bridget anymore. I am wiping the hard drive. Okay. I'm rebooting the system. Whatever makes you happy. And to really get a clean start, I'm going to sell this place and move to New York. With the possible exception of that. Why? What do you mean why? If you sell the place, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. If I didn't encourage you to reconsider, and maybe talk to a professional. Like a shrink? This could all be a sign of clinical depression. I guess you would know. If you're interested, I could recommend a good psychiatrist. The one that my brother used to go to. Uh, your brother ended up dead. Well, yeah, that's 'cause a crazy woman pushed him in front of a train. You can't blame his shrink for that. If anything, blame the crazy woman's shrink. I guess I got nothing to lose, huh? I'm in. Okay. Well, I'll go get her number. Geez, being a parasitic leech is exhausting. Men. I'm sure you're aware that depression is often the result of repressed anger. I'm not angry. Well, I got to tell you, Walden, burning all the mementos and photographs from your marriage can be construed as an angry gesture. That's not an angry gesture. This is an angry gesture. Arr! That's a good one, too. Why don't we put your marriage on the back burner for now. Let's talk about your childhood. I had a very happy childhood. Filled with wonderful memories. Your parents still together? No, and I don't want to talk about it. All right, fine. My first childhood memory was my father disappearing when I was three. He abandoned you and your mother? No, he disappeared. He was an amateur magician and it was his signature trick. Oh. And then when I was four, he ran off with a lady sword swallower. At least that's what my mother called her. In retrospect, it might have been a euphemism. So what was your mother like? Well, after Dad left, she raised me by herself. And how was that? It was great. She did everything for me. And I always felt safe with her. That sounds wonderful. It was. And the saddest day of my life was when it ended. Why, what happened? I got married. Hello. How did your wife and your mother get along? Not very well. I don't know why, though. Maybe it was just 'cause they were so different. I see. Tell me more about your wife. Bridget? She's great. She did everything for me. And I always felt very safe with her. Oh, isn't that what I said about my mother? Oh, Walden, you went and beat me to it. I wonder if when we get right down to it, I married my mother. And we're off. What are we saying here? That Bridget's right and I am emotionally immature? And all those years I was treating her more like a mother than a wife? And how would that make you feel if that were true? That would make me feel very angry. And repressed anger is sometimes the cause of Depression. Ta-da. Ta-da. That's the last thing my dad said before he disappeared. Is that it? Am I cured? Well, "cured" is one of those laymen's terms that we psychiatrists try to avoid. It hurts repeat business. Do I need to come back? I'm thinking three times a week. Well, I was going to leave town. Well, then you have a choice to make. You can stay here and make your problems go away, or you can go away with your problems. Well, that is going in my book. Okay, I need to know one more thing. When I was having sex with my wife, was I really having sex with my mother? I'm thinking double sessions. Monday, Wednesday, Thursday? What You Um, you don't work on Fridays? Not anymore. I'll see you next week. - Thank you, Dr. Freeman. - You're welcome. Oh, gosh. Okay, that's fine. Bye-bye now. Bye. Hmm, maybe I'm not gay. It turns out all these years, I've been trying to duplicate the good feelings I have for my mother with my wife. Oh, see, you lose me at good feelings toward my mother. Uh, I would like a jumbo hot dog, an extra large nachos and a super slushee. Um you want anything? No, I'm good. Oh, come on, you treated me to the movie, let me treat you to a snack. Give my friend a small popcorn. Oh, God! What? It's my wife. Oh Wow! That is one handsome man she's with. You think? Oh, yeah. He's gorgeous. He's better looking than me? Well, it's apples and oranges. I mean, you're prettier, but he's more What do I do here? Well, the adult thing would be to say hello and meet her new fella, but I'm a big believer in yelling fire and escaping in the confusion. No, no. I'm going to be a grownup. Bridget! Hiya! Over here! Oh, Lord. The closer he gets, the better he looks. Uh, Walden, this is Alex. Alex, Walden. Heard a lot about you. Yeah? Did you hear about my giant penis? I smell smoke. Does anybody else smell smoke? Hey, Alan, Hi. Hey. Alan lives with Walden. So, Alex What do you do? I'm a cosmetic surgeon. Really? Beverly Hills, Botox, boobies? More like Mogadishu, cleft palates and burn victims. He travels around the world helping children in war zones. Oh. What are you guys, like, on a date? Walden, you knew eventually I'd start seeing other people. Nuh-uh. Whatever. Um, we should go. Nice to meet you. Really? What about this was nice? You didn't tell me he turned gay. He's gonna split that little guy in half. What a loser. That'll be $47. 28. Oh, oh, damn. I-I left my wallet in the car. Uh, do you mind? Oh, yeah, sure. Oh, and throw in some Twizzlers. No, no, the big one. Men. I think you handled that very well, seeing Bridget with another guy. Another guy? She's dating Conan the Humanitarian. Yeah, she kinda is. It's like evolution, you know? He is to you as you are to me as I am to a howler monkey. That doesn't make me feel better. How do you think it makes me feel? You think she's sleeping with him? You kidding? I'm surprised they made it to the movies. Oh, God. Well, which raises a certain question. Um, your wife clearly attracts some extraordinary men. Of course she does. Look at her. I have. Which brings me to the question. Uh, does she have some sort of special powers? You know, sexually? What do you mean? All right, I'll just come straight out and say it. Does she have a magic vagina? Like, can you pull a rabbit out of it? Never mind. Men. In retrospect, maybe that wasn't the best movie to see under the circumstances. Are you kidding me? It was perfect. Boy meets girl, boy loses girl to a better guy, boy kills himself. Still, you got to love Sandra Bullock. - Here, take my keys. - Why? 'Cause I'm going to get dirty, stinking drunk. Appletini. Twice. Two beers. Whoa. Check it out. What? Who's that remind you of? Harry Potter? Bridget. Maybe a little. So? So it's a sign. Of what? I don't know. But I'm going to find out. Hi, I'm Walden. Danny. Danny? Short for Danielle. My father wanted a girl. It's nice to meet you, Danny. Let me save you some trouble. I'm here with somebody. Oh, yeah, of course. A beautiful girl like you. Bathroom's disgusting. I had to do the squat and hover. At least you're not peeing in a trough with looky-loos on either side. I'm Alan. Kiki. Oh, Kiki. Short for K-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki. Obviously, I'm gonna have to spell it out for you guys. Oh. Yeah, that certainly clears things up. What, you thought we were hitting on you? Maybe I have to spell it out for you. See? My apologies. I should've known by looking at him. Uh, what was that about? Just work with me. Still want to buy our drinks? Uh, sure. Cheers. - Cheers. - Cheers. We're here, we're queer, get used to it. Men. Oh, man, check this out. Did you buy it together? Oh, I wish. Mr. Moneybags bought it. I just make it a home. Come on, Alan, let's go get our guests a cocktail. No offense. Oh, cocktail. All right, what's the plan? We gonna try and get them blind drunk and then flip them over to our team? What? No. Don't worry, I'll take Danny. You can have the hot one. Well, first of all, Danny is the hot one. And second of all, I'm not trying to flip anybody. So what was kissing me about? I like her. And I want her to feel comfortable being around us. So you used me. Oh, come on, Alan. She reminds me of Bridget. Just help me out here. Fine. Oh, and I'm sorry about kissing you. No, it's all right. If a man's gonna kiss me, I prefer he looks like the Son of God. Thank you. Now, are we gonna do this? I can't quit you. Men. So when did you realize you were gay? Oh, boy, that's a toughie. Uh I guess my first hint was when I was, like, five or six years old. I used to make my G. I. Joe dolls touch each other inappropriately. I used the horn from my toy unicorn to make a strap-on for my Barbie. Mom was not happy. So when did you come out? It was later. Uh, I was actually married. Ooh, I bet that didn't end well. No. But I still love her. Even though, you know, I'm playing for Team Penis now. I am. So, girlfriend, scale of one to ten, exactly how gay are you? I don't understand. Well, you know, one being "love the one you're with"" and ten being "touch me with that thing and I'll cut it off"" Oh. I still don't understand. Are you exclusively with girls? Oh, no. I like guys, too, sometimes. Oh. What a coincidence. I happen to swing both ways as well. Really? You don't look like it. So how'd your wife react when you told her you were gay? She was very understanding. Very supportive. That's nice. Did I tell you we were high school sweethearts? Couple of times. She was the love of my life. What about Alan? Oh. Yeah, you know, I-I love him. Ah, God, I can't do this anymore. I'm on Team Vagina. What? I miss my wife, and I wanted to hang out with you because you remind me of her. Really? I'm sorry I lied to you. It's okay. Come here, you poor baby. Don't even think about it, slick. Sorry. I'm sorry. So, if you're not gay, what's the deal with Alan? I'm not sure. He claims to be straight, but his lips opened a little when I kissed him. Look at me, I'm kissing a girl. You're kissing my girl! Oh! Oh, yeah, yuck. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. All right, calm down. You can tell him he can stop acting gay. I'm not acting! You really hit me hard. I'm sorry. Let me see. Okay, that was uncalled for. How could you?! I'm sorry. Don't blame her. I mean, it was really Come on. Bye, Walden. Bye, Danny. Bye, Kiki. You have a really lovely home. Are you okay? Well, I think she broke my nose, but I almost turned a lesbian, so I'm gonna count it as a win. Attaboy. Men. Men. This was a nice idea. I'm just trying to cheer you up. After all, you did get your ass kicked by a girl. Well, jury's out that it was a "girl. " Uh, Walden, I-I've got a confession to make. Listen, I know you didn't really forget your wallet. Oh. Okay, then I guess I have two confessions to make. Um, the other one is that I-I've been a very selfish man. How so? Well, when you told me you wanted to move to New York, the only thing I could think about was me losing a great place to live. I was totally oblivious to your feelings. Don't worry about it. No, no, no, I need to say this. You know, you're a great guy and you deserve to be happy. And if you have to move, I'd understand. But, uh, I want you to know I-I'd really, really miss you. I'd miss you, too. But I'm not going anywhere. Oh, you're not? Nah, the shrink's right. My problems are gonna follow me wherever I go. Besides how could I leave my best friend? Aw I'm the luckiest guy in the world. Told you.