Kill Gil, Volumes I & II

Laugh it up with Christ and Krusty Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha We got hired 'cause we are busty Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Hey! Hey! Oh whoa whoa! Real nice laughing at an old man's pain. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! We've got a great show tonight, with all your favorite second-tier costume characters. Like Ribwich Rib-it! Matrix Poochie! And right off the plane from his dad's funeral, Sideshow Mel! And now for the highlight of our show, a special appearance by Elvis Stojko! Olympic Medalist Elvis Stojko performs a graceful triple axel. Elvis Stojko is so handsome. He can lace up my skates any time. Don't you hags know that all male figure skaters are "twinkly in the lutz"? That's a common misconception. I have a girlfriend in Vancouver. Made-up girlfriend, made-up city. Just think, Lisa, if I had paid for those skating lessons, that could've been you. Say, Mel, those figure skaters sure are having a swell time out there. Indeed! Why don't we join them? Oh, my back. Wow, Krusty and Mel sure can skate. Nothin' slows down the baby boomers. Aw, don't look so shocked. You knew the deal. Children, we need your help. The Grumple has stolen all of our Holiday Cheer. That can't be good. Grumply, grumply groo, I'll throw my net over you. Look out! It's the Grumple! Oh! Whoa, watch where you're going there, pally. We've got a basketball game in an hour. But we're trying to get to Mistletoe Mountain. Tell it to the Utah Jazz, snowflake. Elvis, Grumple, Candy Kevin! Let's teach these guys the real meaning of Christmas. Come on, Homer. Let's get the kids out of here. Homer? Give back that Holiday Cheer, you bastard! Never! This sweater is gorgeous. I'll take onein "wife" size and three in"mistress" size. Now Smithers,I need your advice picking out a gift for a very dear friend of mine. A single fellow,a bit quiet, but one with a warm,loyal heart. Well, sir, a fellow like that might have had his eye on this silver frame. It would go great with his collection of Art Deco Shut up, shut up!There he is. Hello, Phillip. What are you doing here? Oh-ho. Never you mind, Mr. Nosey. Are you going to that string quartet thing? 'Cause I'm not. Are you still here? Go pay for that. Well, uh what can ol' Santa bring you for Christmas, son? I want a dirt bike, one of those video gamechairs that vibrate Dad, he's not the real Santa. We can't afford that stuff. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up! I better go after him. What can I do for you,young lady? What I want can't be bought at any store. Oh, what is it, sweetie? Peace on earth? What? No! I-I mean,that's a given. But also, the Malibu Stacy Pony Beach Party Set with Sparkle Sand. It's sold out everywhere. You know, Santa thinks he saw an extra Beach Party Set sitting back in the stockroom there. Really? Y-you just wait here. Let me go check,Sugar plum. Oh, thank you,thank you, thank you! You really made my daughter's Christmas. Well, her smile made mine. Gil! March your fake bootfronts over here! Mr. Costington! Sir, I'm glad I have this chance to talk to you. I've been on the payroll here since May, and I'd really like to start working in Ladies Shoes. Not literally, of course. I I couldn't walk very fast, though I'd learn if that's what it takes. Never mind that now! Did you sell the Malibu Stacy set I put aside? That was for you? It was for my daughter! You nitwit! I want my dolly! You nitwit! Now get back that toy. Gee, I'm sorry, sir. Taking back that doll would break a little girl's heart on Christmas Eve. I made a lot of mistakes in my entire life, but I would never do that. Well, then, you're fired! But I'm sorry Aw. Oh, you poor man. Fired on Christmas Eve. Why don't you have dinner with us tonight? Please, Santa? Well, let me check the bus schedule here. If I get itmake a transfer there. Well, I could be there by 2:00 a. m. We'll give you a ride. That's swell. Could you swing by my ex-wife's place? I want her to see me riding in a car. And a partridge in a pear tree. Oh, yeah. Well, I guess ol' Gil should skedaddle. You can't go home tonight. It's cold. It's late. Yeah, maybe I should spend the night here, too. You're getting a cab, old man. In fact, I believe I see it now. But I haven't given you a present. Your present is leaving. Oh, I don't see a cab. Well, since I'staying,how about another song? Jazzin' around the Christmas tree It's a skit skat holiday. It's Christmas! It's Christmas! It's Christmas! I didn't think it would ever come, but it did! What is all this? Well, I figured since you invited me to stay, I might as well go down to the bus locker and get my stuff. Oh. Marge, we have a problem here. You have a bigger problem out there. Grumply, grumply groo,your blood will make my stew. Do you think that's the same Grumple from the ice show? Because I do. Hey Hey, who wants some eggs a la Harold Stassen? Huh? They're always running! Do you really understand what that means? Kinda. Why did you let that loser into our home? I'll tell you why:Christian charity. Christian Charity? What does a porn star have to do with this? He's gotta go. I promise you he'll leave after today. Really? Who's gonna make him? I will. He sure has a lot of markers that don't work. Well, I got something. Gah! A spider bite, or as I like to call it,a "Christmas kiss. " Listen, uh, Gil I sort of thought that you know, you'd be on your way by now. Really? You're gonna put me out on Christmas day, huh? Well, that's all right. I can go down to the men's shelter. I just hope that weird priest with the runny eye ain't serving soup,'cause they Wait, you don't have a place to live? Lower the boom. I guess you don't have to leave till the holiday's over. Has the boom been lowered? No! D'oh Appearing in their first Rose Parade, the marching band from Altoona, Pennsylvania playing "Rachel's Theme" from Batman Begins. Hey-ya, Marge,Happy New Year. You make any resolutions? Yes. One involving you. What a coincidence! I made one, too. I'm gonna move my fanny off this sofa. And move it over to thatrecliner by the phone 'cause I'm expecting a call any minute now from my old boss at Jackpot Realty, asking me take over the Scottsdale office. Really? Oh, yeah. That desert air's gonna give the ol' one-two to my bronchitis. Oh boy. I guess you can stay a little longer. Ah, thank you, Marge. You know, those floats should really slow down and savor it, 'cause your lifecan go to Hell pretty quick. We're not keeping that moocher in this house another minute. He's still in need. We have to let him stay. It's what Dr. Kingwo to do. Oh, that's it. We're changing doctors. Please, just a few more days. Marge, admit it. You just can't say "no" to anyone. That's why you have three kids. It's true. I do have trouble saying "no. " It all started when I was seven. Marjorie, we need you to hide our cigarettes in your dollhouse. No! Mom? Gramma? Aunt Larina? Anybody? And that's why I have trouble saying "no" to people. Even Gil. Marge, I have no idea what you were just thinking about. Why would you think I did? What's a matter, Homer? You still miss the UPN? Yeah, but there's something else. There's this loser staying in our house. Marge says she's gonna kick him out, but then she never does. Well, you can't kick him out, 'cause then Marge will never learn to assert herself. Well, I guess I'll have to wait for Marge to show some backbone and You again?! What the hell is this thing? Happy holidays May the calendar keep bringing happy holidays Homie. Wake up. I rented that negligee you like. Those legs go on forever. Oh, wait, they stop right there. Homer, don't forget it's Valentine's Day! What you gettin' the missus? A heart-shaped box of chocolates. Gil, listen. We've been very patient, but I want you to Is that for me? Is it the Scottsdale job? It's your foot doctor, Gil! Yes. Yes. Oh, dear. I can't tell him that! Aw, geez! Boy, I was Well, I'm still a winner! As long as I got a cup of coffee and a tomorrow on the calendar, ol' Gil's comin' back. Oh. Say, Homer, how about closin' up that robe? I'm seeing the whole butcher shop. For your information, since I bought it, I put on a ton of weight. Happy holidays May the calendar keep bringing happy holidays McCarthy pumps the old bassoon While I the pipes do play And Hennessy Tennessee tootles the flute And the music isawfully grand Oh, their drunken singing is ruining St. Patrick's Day! Well, just let 'em finish this one song. There's O'Brians, O'Ryans, O'Sheehans and Meehans They come from Ireland Happy Holidays Happy Holidays While the merry bells are ringing May your every wish come true Happy Holidays Happy Holidays May the calendar keep bringing happy holidays to you. Oh, man. Now he even mooches our lunches. All he left me with are these used nicotine patches. Give me your lunch, dingus. Oh, mini quesadillas! Zesty! Happy Holidays May the calendar keep bringing happy holidays to you. Im so sick of Gil. He ruins Thanksgiving, uses my leg razor to peel his carrots Marge, I hate to interrupt the ol'solilo-diddly-iloquy, but I just want to thank you for your early Christmas card. Christmas card? I haven't even taken the photo yet. Isn't this your posse on this glossy? That Photoshopping freak! Oh, I don't mean to cause Gil ill will, but still Don't you defend him! I want that mooch out of my house right now! Marge, I've never seen you like this before. That's right! I just found my gumption, and I like it! Marge Simpson is gonna say no! Gil! Gil? Gil! Gil's gone. Back to Scottsdale. - Problem solved. - End of story. Can we have pancakes for dinner? Gil's gone? But I have a "no" inside met hat has to come out. Hey, Marge, you want a thousand dollars? No! I mean, yes! Too late. Don't worry. I make six of those a year. Even though Gil left, I still have to kick him out. I need this, or I'll never be able to say "no. " Mom, I understand your psychological need, but I'm not sure what you can do. I'll tell you what. - We're going to Scottsdale! - Scottsdale? Will we stay at a Tripletree Resort? - Sure. - Then forget it! I'll ask these active seniors if they know Gil. I'll have you know I'm 32. There he is! Gunderson?! Whoa, Gil's a big shot! And to think he and I once shared a shower. I don't care how successful Gil is. He's still a mooch, and I need to tell him off! Ooh, that reminds me. There's water under the seat! Now remember, Marge, we're not buying anything for more than 1. 2, but if I scratch my nose, that means we can go to 1. 5. People, remember, you're selling dreams! When a family owns a home, And what matters most isn't the commission you make, it's the smiles on their faces when they know they own that land free and clear. He's the best I've ever seen. He's talking at a Century 22 level. Gil, remember me? Marge Simpson? What are you doing here? Lookin' for a home on a quiet cul-de-sac, where your neighbor could be Tanya Tucker? Listen, bub. I have something to say to you, and it can't wait. Oh, well, looks like we got a Backout Bettyon our hands. But watch ol' Gil take her from furious to curious. Now, ma'am, you say you can't wait, and you're right. With interest rates climbing and choice properties in the Kingsbridge School District drying up The only house I'm interested in is my own, which you defiled for 11 hellish months. But now I've learned to say "no!" No to your mooching! No to your manipulation! And a big fat no to the Kingsbridge School District! Aw, come on, you can't say no to ol' Gil. No! Why, he's as pathetic as we are. Gunderson! I put you in charge of this office because I thought you could tame this town. You're fired! Here's a box for your stuff.