Bridezilla vs. the Baxters

Uh, yeah, so, Reverend, I was looking over the readings you suggested, and they're coming off a little... preachy.

Um, I have some tweaks.

On the Bible?

(Chuckles)

Mike, your daughter wants to rewrite God.

Mandy, let's not get too hung up on the words.

No one's gonna be listening to the reverend anyway.

Well, I see where she gets her charm.

Because everyone will be looking at the most beautiful bride ever.

So beautiful. Way more beautiful than I was.

You're right. Thank you.

Um, that's fine. We can keep them for now.

But these pews... ew.

They're a little pewy.

Okay. You know...

If it makes God feel any better, she criticizes my house, too.

I've got a funeral tomorrow, and I hate to say this, but I'm actually looking forward to it.

Big life changes tend to freak Mandy out more than most people.

Boy, I remember preschool.

It was a flood of hysterical tears.

I'm guessing from the teacher?

Over the next couple of days, I got to fix everything that might set her off.

It's like defusing a bomb but not as much fun.

Okay. But you owe me.

We have a church canoe expedition, and we need a trip leader.

All right.

And canoes.

Okay, but I'm gonna expect a little heavier pour this communion.

You got it?

Hey, Mandy.

Hey, I know you said you didn't need me here, but I just want to show you what me and my best man just got.

Okay, can it wait?

'Cause I'm really busy right now?

Oh, for heaven's sakes, he's excited.

Let the young man speak.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. One sec.

Um, uh, sorry, Reverend, one quick thing.

During the ceremony, I'm going to be standing here so that nobody can see my bad side, which isn't really bad.

It's just less good. See?

Yay.

Nay.

Yay.

Nay.

That's my spot.

So, nay.

Excuse me, Reverend. Excuse me for a second.

Have you ever read this passage here, "Thou shall not dig in thy heels"?

Okay. Okay.

I can be flexible.

Just like our new church raft.

Can I show you now?

Yeah, sure. You got one minute. Mm-hmm.

A whole minute.

Well, Mandy, when you give, you give with both hands, don't you?

Okay. So, Ed and I were at the mall, picking up our suits.

Well, actually, no. First we got a Jamba Juice.

Oh, and news flash... I like mango now.

Fine.

Take us home, Kyle.

Right.

Anyway, so, we found the perfect shoes to wear with our tuxes.

Great.

High tops!

You're speechless.

See, Ed, I told you she'd love them.

I do not deserve her.

(Chuckles) That's something you say.

Let's leave before she regains her speech.

Uh, Mandy, honey.

Huh?

A-Are you with us?

No. I'm gonna lose it.

Okay, all right. Don't worry. Don't worry.

Your dad is gonna fix the whole shoe thing.

My pleasure. My pleasure.

Looky there, I just lied in church.

Well, how's the best-man toast coming?

Not great. No.

Normally, I'd open with a joke about a wild bachelor party.

But Kyle's was at Dave & Buster's.

Well, who needs a topless stripper when you've got bottomless tater tots?

Listen, I'm looking for Kyle. You know where he is?

Mandy doesn't really want you guys wearing sneakers at the wedding.

Uh, the store won't take them back, Mike.

You know, the kid jumped in a puddle.

Why are you letting Mandy act like this?

Because it's her wedding, Ed.

Weddings are about the bride, right?

Well, it's Kyle's wedding, too, and frankly, you know, Mandy's behavior throughout all this is reminding me of someone.

Oh?

Me.

Well, I can see that.

You both make me miserable.

All of my relationships, I was the selfish one.

Over the years, it ruined each of my marriages.

Right, but Mandy's not "you" bad.

You know I love her, but I'm Kyle's best man, and the sneakers are very important to him.

You can't let Kyle wear whatever he wants.

He'll come dressed like Spider-Man.

He should get something he wants.

She shot down all his other ideas, like having the wedding here at Outdoor Man.

You know that Mandy loves Kyle.

Yeah.

She just doesn't want you guys wearing clown shoes at a wedding.

I don't think it's that big of a deal.

Well, it is to me.

I mean, she's telling him what to wear, how to act, when to speak, and they're not even married yet.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mike.

I can't be party to something that I think is wrong.

That's all.

What are you saying?

What I'm saying is maybe I'm not the best man to be the best man, so I relieve myself of the job.

Okay. Why don't you just quit?

It's a good thing we don't work together 'cause that would be awkward.

Now, I'm going to need all eyes on me, so make sure Boyd doesn't take his sweet time bringing the rings down the aisle.

Uh, well, we can't make any promises.

(Stammers) Mm.

I'm sorry, what is... (Stammers)

What is that?

It's... It's nothing, okay?

Sometimes, Boyd gets stage fright and freezes.

Like last year's Christmas pageant when only two wise men made it to Jesus.

Yeah. Our little magi was stuck backstage with a handful of myrrh.

Uh, no. You need to fix this.

I don't have time to cast another ring bearer, okay?

Ryan, don't you have some other children somewhere?

Mandy, relax, okay?

I promise that Boyd will make it down the aisle with the rings.

(Sighs) They say never work with kids, but he's family, so...

Hey, what are we doing... No. Mm!

How many times have I told you... the tea roses go around the hydrangeas, and then you add a splash of purple.

That's not a splash. That's a sploosh.

Less sploosh, more splash.

Thank you.

When do we get to throw rice at her, and can it be rocks?

Wow! This is how I pictured my funeral.

Except I want more flowers, more crying, and John Elway up here going, "He was such a stud."

Honey, did you fix the high-tops problem?

Yes.

Ed won't be wearing high tops to the wedding.

Oh, see, Mandy? Dad fixed it.

Because he's not coming to the wedding.

Ed isn't the best man anymore?

Mandy, honey, now, I'm sure everything is gonna be fine.

(Chuckles) Honey, what the hell happened?

You know Ed.

Talked about wearing black shoes, we talked about Spider-Man, and he quit.

Queue Mandy's explosion in 3, 2, 1...

This is great.

Well, that was a let-down.

Honestly, I never even wanted Ed in the ceremony.

Mike: Oh.

Because the pictures were all gonna be, like, all these young people, and then in the corner, like, Voldemort, you know?

You know, I don't think Voldemort would come to your wedding because he'd be frightened of you.

I'm going to get something to drink.

Hey, I got the baby's breath.

I would've been here a lot sooner if someone had told me it was a flower.

Oh, uh, bad news.

Um, Ed quit.

What?

Yeah, but good news. You get to pick a new best man.

No. Why would Mr. Alzate quit?

I don't know. Weddings make some people crazy.

(Chuckles)

(Doorbell rings)

Hey.

Hey, hi.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Okay, okay.

So, the stationery store said this is the only shade of blue we haven't tried yet and that they never want to see me again.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Larabee.

Ooh, ooh, hey, have you ever been the best man at a wedding?

(Sighs) Lots of times.

Just not officially.

Fabulous.

Kyle here is shopping for a new best man.

Oh, okay. (Chuckles)

Now, I'd love to be the only raisin in your wedding oatmeal.

I think I'll pass.

(Door closes)

Mandy, I don't think anybody can replace Mr. Alzate.

What about you, Eve?

You're kind of mannish, and you don't have the shoulders to pull off that bridesmaid dress.

Well, then I won't be in the wacky "bridesmaids getting ready" photos.

Deal.

Thank you.

Hey, Dad. Eve is the new best man.

What... What?

What? Are you okay with this?

Whatever makes Mandy happy.

Aww, thanks, sweetie.

Okay, let's go get her to the tailor.

Hopefully, he can make a tux and do something with all this.

Ouch. I'm going to be thinking about that when I'm writing my toast.

You're gonna get burnt!

I can't believe Ed quit.

Yeah. And I can't believe we haven't.

So, for the reception later, I'm practicing my "I don't want to come to your table, but thank you for the gift" wave.

So, how does this look?

A little gift from the reverend.

Between us, I think he's had a few.

Aww, Mom, you're crying.

I just thought this day would never come.

Come on. It's gonna be great.

You know what they say... I'm not just gaining a son, I'm spending a fortune.

Oh, Mom, Dad, I want to thank you.

I'm not sure what exactly you've been doing, but it must be a lot because you both look exhausted.

Yo!

Here on best-man biz.

Get the camera ready 'cause this could be her last hissy fit as a single gal.

What... What happened? Is something wrong?

Nothing happened.

Kyle's wearing the high tops.

Well, look at that. Something's happened.

Kyle cannot wear the high tops.

Well, as best man, I feel it is incumbent upon me to be the one to get the hell out of here.

Dad, you need to fix this, now.

A vein is about to pop out of my forehead and ruin my pictures.

Mandy, I love you... but I'm out.

(Chuckles) What are you talking about?

I know this wedding scares you, and I fixed everything I can to make it better for you, but you've crossed from scared into scary.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, Mom, make Dad fix this.

Uh, I... I'm with your father.

You have become a nightmare, and we're out.

Wow.

Fine.

I'm gonna go handle things myself.

Oh, and, by the way, as far as being a wedding planner is concerned, do not even think about using me as a reference!

(Door closes)

That felt great.

(Laughs) So great.

Kyle, open the door.

Kyle: No. You can't see me in my tux before the wedding.

It's bad luck.

N-No. No, honey, that's just for the bride.

Why would the bride be in a tux?

I think this is a trick.

Okay.

Kyle, can you just come out here, please?

Hi.

I really don't want you to wear the high tops.

No, I have to.

Why?

Have I ever told you about my job interview with Mr. Alzate?

I'm sure it's a super-great story, but we really don't have time right now.

I had to borrow a suit from a friend, but I forgot to ask for shoes.

And so, I wound up wearing the only ones I had... high tops.

I was wrong. It's not a great story.

When Mr. Alzate saw me in those shoes, he said, "You're an original, kid.

I want you on my team."

Look, because of those shoes, he gave me the job at Outdoor Man.

And because of that, I met Mr. B., and because of Mr. B., I met the love of my life.

How come you never told me that before?

Well, you've been kind of...

(Sighs)

A nightmare?

Well, I was gonna say distracted, but yeah, kind of.

Oh.

Mr. Alzate is like a dad to me.

And if he can't be there in person, then at least he'll be there in sneaker.

Mm.

Ah.

You know the worst thing about horror movies?

The monster always comes back.

I've wrecked my wedding.

Oh, God, she killed Kyle.

(Chuckles)

You didn't, did you?

I was so worried about making everything perfect for the wedding, I didn't realize I was ruining it for Kyle.

Oh, honey, if it makes you feel any better, you didn't just ruin it for Kyle.

Vanessa.

You know what? You haven't wrecked anything.

You tend to get scared when things change, and you overwork the details.

You forget that there are other people around.

Maybe that's something you should remember now.

Honey, all this, it's wonderful, but this isn't what it's about.

All a wedding needs is two people who love each other and the people who love them.

And for Kyle, that means having Ed there.

Okay. I think I know how to fix this, but I'm going to need your help pulling it off.

Now, this is the girl I love to help.

Mandy. Wait a minute.

Isn't there someplace you need to be right now?

(Chuckles)

Yeah. Right here.

Ed, I want you to reconsider being best man.

No, I can't.

I already went over this with your father.

Now, the road you and Kyle are going down is, well... troubling.

I understand. I know.

I made my wedding all about me.

The wedding.

Right. And I get that now.

Although, in my defense, there is no magazine called "Modern Groom."

Well, at least you're willing to admit it.

(Chuckles) It took me four marriages and a 10-hour deposition to get there, so...

I'm not perfect.

But being with Kyle makes me want to be a better person.

You know, he always says he doesn't deserve me, but I know it's the other way around.

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

That sweet little moppet has burrowed his way into my ticker, as well.

(Laughs)

Guess you and I are a lot alike.

Hm?

Except that I have youth... and hair.

Listen, I have money... and tact.

Listen, I love Kyle, and he really, really wants you at my... our wedding.

All right.

That's how you really feel, I'm back in.

Thank you. Thank you, Ed.

Come on. Let's go.

We'd better get to that church.

That minister seems a little uptight.

I know, right?

It's like, "Calm down. It's just a wedding."

But, no, no.

What?

We're not going to the church.

What do you mean?

You've been waiting all your life to get married in that church.

Ed, all a wedding needs is two people who love each other and the people who love them.

Hey, Ed.

One of these is for you.

♪♪

Hey, Boyd, I got bumped from best-man duty.

Can I help you with your job?

All right. Cool.

Stick close. Crowds scare me.

♪♪

Only two things get me crying... weddings and that video where a dog takes a bus... to find its owner.

(Voice breaking) My baby's getting married.

(Chuckles)

I've been all over the world, but I've never seen anything so beautiful.

Sorry for being such a pain in the ass.

If that were true, why is it so hard to give you away?

I'm really glad you're here.

It wouldn't have been the same with Eve.

She hasn't been a great father to me.

I wouldn't have missed it for the world, son.

Oh, and let's forget I almost missed it.

♪♪

Please, be seated.

You look like an angel.

You should wear that all the time.

(Laughs)

We are gathered here today in the presence of God, family, friends, and fishing poles, which, apparently, are on sale now through Tuesday.

Not just fishing poles, but also ammunition... 30% off.

We were going to start with a reading, but since we only have 15 minutes till the shoppers arrive, why don't we go right to the vows?

Mandy.

Kyle...

I'm so sorry about the shoe thing and for not listening to you or paying attention to your needs.

And for all of those times that you thought that I was listening and I totally wasn't.

These aren't the vows.

I know. I know.

I just... I had to get it out first.

Kyle, I was only acting that way because I wanted our wedding to be crazy, over-the-top amazing, like this totally unforgettable experience.

But you know what?

That's what every day with you is like.

I never dreamed I could be this happy, and I can't believe I'm the one who gets to marry you.

I love you so much.

Wow.

I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

Ditto.

Um, perhaps a little more, son.

Mandy, I love you more than anything.

And you never have to apologize to me.

Unless you do something really awful, and then it would just be polite.

You two kids are perfect for each other.

Kyle, do you have the rings?

I do.

Oh, and that's not the "I do" I do.

I'll do that one later.

Kyle, do you take Mandy to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

That's the "I do" I do.

And, Mandy, do you take Kyle to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I totally do.

Then, by the powers vested in me by the church, the state of Colorado, and this fine sporting-goods establishment, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

(Cheers and applause)

♪♪

Come on, you guys. Pull it together.

(Sniffles) Wow.

There's some dust in here or something.

We may have stumbled upon a new revenue source here.

Yeah, yeah.

We could have actual shotgun weddings.

(Clicks tongue)

Mikey, did I see you get a little misty-eyed during the ceremony?

Yeah.

Although, I don't know if it was my daughter getting married or the fact that I paid for a church we didn't use.

Yeah.

(Sighs)

Reverend. Now, come on, be honest.

That wasn't that bad, right?

Thank you.

You know what? She's a beautiful bride, and in the end, it turned out wonderful.

Terrific. Wonderful, isn't it?

And, uh, Reverend, Reverend, hey, I said, "Something off the shelf."

Yep. This is on him.

Oh, I'll be back to get the others later.

Thanks, Mike.

Uh-huh.

(Stammers) The others?

How much is this wedding going to cost me?

A lot less than your first four.