Shallow Boy

[COLD OPEN]

[SCENE: Outside the Matthew Family's wilderness store, a girl in her early twenties, named Corinna, sits outside on the step playing happy songs on her guitar as people drop money into her guitar case. An older man stands near Corinna with a look of disgust on his face. Eric approaches from the left.]

[FADE IN:]

CORINNA (singing) I dreamed a day like this, when children laugh and play like this, and the sun shine's just for me, and I feel good!

MAN Make it stop.

CORINNA (singing) And the sunshine's just for me, and I feel good! (Eric throws money into Corinna's guitar case and starts to enter the Matthews' wilderness store) CORINNA (singing) A handsome passerby tosses, me a twenty dollar bill,

ERIC Whoa. (Eric, realizing his mistake, scrambles to get his money back) CORINNA (singing) And the sun shine's just for me, and I feel good! (Eric enters the store) ALAN Close the door will ya, will ya please close it?

ERIC Aww, what's the matter dad, a little too perky for ya out there this morning? (Corinna continues to sing as Eric closes the door behind him)

ALAN Nobody's come in here. She's scaring all the customers away.

ERIC Well, would you rather have the smelly old guy who use to spit on people?

ALAN Yeah, yeah get him, get him and get rid of her.

ERIC Me, why me?

ALAN Because we're equal parteners in this business, and I'm your father, and you do what I tell you to do.

ERIC Well, as long as I know the rules. (Eric exits the store in order to talk to Corinna) CORINNA (singing) Feel the warmth. Can you feel it? Can you feel it, it's warm? It's warm and I feel good!

ERIC Excuse me, miss, I'm really sorry, could you just... (Corinna looks up from her guitar at Eric, their eyes meet, and Eric suddenly becomes aware of her good looks) CORINNA (singing) The sun shine's just for me...

ERIC, CORINNA (singing) ...and I feel good! (Eric drops more money into the guitar case and returns to the store with a dazed expression) ALAN So, it's done?

ERIC Ahh, of course it's not done, I mean, don't you know me at all? Why would you send me to do something like that?

ALAN She smiled at you?

ERIC Ghey-Hea!

ALAN All right, look. Take her to lunch and ask her to take her act further down the road. Can you handle that?

ERIC Ha! Can I handle that? Yeah, I can handle that or fail to do so. But I'm gonna need some money, so, can you give me some, cause I gave her all of mine. [SCENE: Inside Feeny's classroom, Cory, Shawn, Topanga, and the rest of the class sit as Mr. Feeny lectures on the importance of voting rights] MR. FEENY And as this will be the last presidential election in which you do not cast a ballot, I want this classroom to be an open forum to disscuss the issues, which most concern your life. Mr. Hunter, what issue most concerns your life?

SHAWN The swimsuit issue. How am I doing?

MR. FEENY Bravo, Mr. Hunter. Mr. Matthews?

CORY Ahh, yes, actually there is a pressing social matter, which I feel equipped to disscuss with confidence and alacrity.

MR. FEENY Ahh, well then, you have the floor Mr. Matthews.

CORY Nah, that used me up.

MR. FEENY Save us Miss Lawrence.

TOPANGA Well, first of all, I'd just like to say that I think Cory's really cute for trying.

CORY Oh thank you, sugar.

TOPANGA And, that I think the biggest crisis facing this country is the breakdown of the American family.

SHAWN Oh. You always gotta go after Shawn.

TOPANGA Well I just think that lots of other issues, like crime and the decline in education...

SHAWN Hey, hey, lay off me.

TOPANGA ...All have to do with how we're brought up in our homes.

MR. FEENY Well now. I agree with you Miss Lawrence.

SHAWN That's it. (Shawn gets up and walks to the door of the classroom and turns to Mr. Feeny) MR. FEENY Mr. Hunter? (Shawn points his hand up in the air just as the bell sounds) MR. FEENY Oh, that's it. (The class gets up and leaves the room, as Cory and Topanga follow Shawn out to his locker) CORY Shawn, you're not really upset, are you?

SHAWN What? That I'm personally responsible for the breakdown of American society? No, I got bigger problems.

CORY I know. I got problems too. I mean, Topanga and I were supposed to go out tonight, but it's not happening.

SHAWN Oh well that's good. Now we got ourselves a rare guys night out. You and me. Two guys catching up.

CORY Allright, I'm in to that. The boys, together again. So, ah, it's a pretty lucky thing Topanga's babysitting tonight, huh?

SHAWN Woa, woa, woa, woa, woa. You have a girlfriend who's babysitting?

CORY Yeah, late into the night. So burgers or a movie?

SHAWN Cory, there's no burgers. There's no movie. There's just you and your girlfriend in a stranger's house, no interuptions, alone, on a couch.

CORY Ahhhh...

SHAWN Ahhhh...

CORY Cory Matthews, a parents worst nightmare. Lock up your daughters, the hormones will be a flyin tonight. You believe me?

SHAWN No, but, you're very sweet. [SCENE: At the resaurant, Chubbies, Eric and Corinna sit in a booth talking over a nice lunch, when Corinna starts talking about her music.] CORINNA (singing) I got interested in music, when I saw my frst broadway show.

ERIC Ahh, Corinna, Corinna, uh, talk. Use your words. It's ok just to talk.

CORINNA Oh, ok. Well, I saw Annie, and when that little girl sang "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow", I felt, like she was talking to me.

ERIC Ahh, did she maybe mention that you should write something with a little more, edge?

CORINNA Uhh, you sound just like my uncle at the record company.

ERIC Oh you have a record deal?

CORINNA Not yet. Uncle David says I don't have enough edge. He seems to think I don't have enough life experience yet.

ERIC Man, that must have really, ah, put you in a bad mood. Brought you down, put you in a, in a dark place.

CORINNA (laughs)

ERIC You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

CORINNA No. I mean, I just do what I always do. I put my feelings in a song. (Corinna begins to play her guitar again) CORINNA (singing) Thank you Uncle David, for listening to my song, and only taking two calls, and I'll try to be more edgy. But I can't right now, because I'm looking at a, dandalion, dandalion. [SCENE: Topanga stands inside a boy named Billy Epperson's house, with his mother and father. Topanga is seeing Mr. and Mrs. Epperson to the door and preparing to babysit him for the remainder of the night.] MRS. EPPERSON Now Topanga, Billy's bedtime is?

TOPANGA Nine o'clock sharp.

MRS. EPPERSON And the emergency numbers are?

TOPANGA Posted next to the telephone.

MRS. EPPERSON And?

TOPANGA No boys.

MRS. EPPERSON And?

TOPANGA No boys at all. (Topanga walks to and opens the door for Mr. and Mrs. Epperson to find Cory standing in the doorway. Cory, realizing what's wrong, picks up an empty water jug and pretends to be a water guy.) CORY Water Guy.

TOPANGA Don't worry he's not staying, I know your rules. No boys. (turns to Cory) What are you doing here?

MRS. EPPERSON Oh, Topanga. When I said no boys, I didn't mean this kind of boy. This is Amy and Alan's little boy.

MR. EPPERSON Uh-huh.

CORY Amy and Alan's "dangerous" little boy.

MR. EPPERSON We're all dangerous in the beginning.

MRS. EPPERSON We'll be out late. If you two get dozy, just take a little nap on the couch.

MR. EPPERSON Very comfortable couch. Lie down on it, you'll think you're dead. It's wonderful.

(Billy's mother and father exit the house, leaving Cory and Topanga alone in the front room)

TOPANGA I'm glad you come over, "dangerous" boy. Why don't you get all dangerous on the couch, and I'll get us something to eat. (Topanga leaves the front room and goes into the kitchen) CORY Ok. Allright, allright, cozy couch, empty house, dangerous guy. Everything is working out according to plan. What could possibly go wrong? (Billy jumps up from behind the couch, bringing to Cory's attention that he was not alone) CORY Can I help you with something?

BILLY Your Morgan's brother.

CORY Uh-huh, and aren't you supposed to be in bed?

BILLY I got a Nintendo 64-bit upstairs.

CORY Well why are we down here. (Topanga enters back into the room)

TOPANGA Billy, what are you doing up?

CORY Uh, he's got 64 bits.

TOPANGA Well, he's got 9:00 bed.

CORY Ahh, Topanga, let him have five minutes. I really want to play. (Topanga sits down on the couch to talk to Billy as Cory mocks her from behind her back) TOPANGA Listen Billy. Your parents have entrusted me with your care and I am obligated to folow the rules that they have clearly laid out. (turns to Cory) What were you doing?

CORY I love you. (Topanga gives him a dirty look and turns back to Billy) TOPANGA Get to bed, right now.

BILLY Can't I watch tv?

CORY Sure.

TOPANGA No, Cory?

CORY No, Billy? What were you thinking?

BILLY But it's the Friday Night Line-Up.

CORY Oooh... the Fridy Night Line-Up.

TOPANGA What does that have to do with anything?

CORY The Friday Night Line-Up? It's only the best shows on tv. I mean, you walk into school Monday morning and you didn't see the Friday Night Line-Up. Forget it! You got nothing to say.

BILLY Don't take that away from me. (Topanga turns to talk to Cory as Billy mocks her from behind her back) TOPANGA I cannot believe you are undermining my authority. I am this child's babysitter, and I take my responsibility very seriously. (turns to Billy) What were you doing?

BILLY I love you?

CORY (laughs)

TOPANGA What? You think this is funny?

CORY No Miss-triss Topanga, I-I think it's the opposite of funny. I-I think it's... wood.

BILLY Will you please let me watch my favorite show? It's on right now.

TOPANGA But its 9:30, I know you don't stay up past 9:00.

BILLY It use to be on at 8:30, but this year they moved it to 9:30. Those idiots.

CORY Wait a minute. They moved that show to 9:30? Why?

BILLY No one knows.

CORY Well was it doing badly at 8:30?

BILLY No.

CORY Well why didn't they leave it alone.

BILLY They're trying to kill it. They're trying to kill it.

CORY Those are bad, bad people.

TOPANGA Cory, we have to have a little talk.

CORY Right after the show honey.

TOPANGA There will be no show. (turns to Billy) Get to bed. (Billy leaves the room) CORY Well that was nicley done. Now it's just you and dangerous me on a cozy couch.

TOPANGA You're going home.

CORY Well, then it's just you. What fun could that be?

TOPANGA You have no idea what this is about, do you?

CORY Yes, I do, and it happens to be a very important issue, not just to me and you, but to all men and women in relationships both here and abroad.

TOPANGA You have no idea what this is about, do you?

CORY Oh, do I ever? (Billy comes racing back into the room) BILLY Hey, Cory, you're missing a real funny one. The curly headed kid just keeps on digging himself in deeper and deeper. (Billy takes Cory and drags him out of the room) CORY I love that kid. He is such a doof. [SCENE: Back at Chubbies with Corinna, who is still talking about her music carreer, and Eric, who has his head down on the table looking worn out and deeply annoyed.] CORINNA I mean, I don't know what Uncle David could have possibly meant by life experience. I'm 18 yers old. I've been to a sleep-away camp. I even got on the wrong bus once. I had a goldfish who died.

ERIC Suicide, was it?

CORINNA Oh, you. Hey. (Corinna starts to play her guitar again) CORINNA (singing) Oh you, oh you. I'm glad I know you, and I'm glad you know me too. I'll never get the flu, and go a-choo, choo, choo.

ERIC Ok, ok, ok. Check... check!

CORINNA Is there something wrong?

ERIC No, no. No, nothing's wrong. I was just um, I was just looking around, and I noticed all these people were-were-were watching you and listening to your song and I was afraid they were gonna steal it, and-and I don't know, go-go sell it to Andrew Lloyd Webber, who'd then write a three hour musical about your dead goldfish.

CORINNA Would he call it "Goldie"?

ERIC No, he'd call it "Check". "Check", he would call it.

CORINNA You know, when I got up this morning, I had no idea that before the day was over, I'd meet someone I was gonna spend the rest of my life with, and all our lives to come.

ERIC Ok, Corinna. Um, I don't know how to say this, so I'm gonna choose my words very carefully. I think you're a pshyco. I wanna get as far away from you as I possibly can.

CORINNA What?

ERIC Well, I, I'm just not the guy for you. I mean, you need a guy who's-who's happy, and perky all the time. You know, maybe a guy who's had part of his brain removed, and he think's he's a bunny. And you guys can go out and be bunnies together. CHECK! (the waitress throws all of her papers in the air from the surprise of the scream) For the love of God, will someone please give me a check?

CORINNA You don't wanna see me anymore, do you?

ERIC Oh, see it's not just that. I wanna put you on a rocket ship and send you to planet Fla-Flu-Ga.

CORINNA This has never happened to me before. (Corinna starts to play her guitar, strumming a very dark sounding chord) ERIC That's a minor chord.

CORINNA (singing) I wanna give in to my heart, I wanna give it up, who I am, but you trammpled on my soul, cause you don't understand. Your, shadow. Your, shadow. Look at that shadow, boy. (Eric sits waiting as he watches Corinna continue to sing and play her guitar)

[SCENE: Cory begins to talk to Topanga out in the hall at her locker during lunch, as everybody else goes to the cafeteria to eat tacos.] CORY Topanga, the lunch bell sounded and I thought maybe you and I could grab a biteskie at this charming little place I know called... the Cafeteria.

TOPANGA What would be the point Cory?

CORY Well, first I'm gonna take a step back and then I'm gonna tell you. There are three points. I'm hungry, you're my girlfriend, and it's Taco Bar Tuesday.

TOPANGA You would feed tacos to our child?

CORY Our wah? You-you and I are gonna have a child? Wait a minute. We've only kissed. I mean, I knew I was a good kisser, but, wow!

TOPANGA Our future child. The one we'd have if we got married.

CORY Oh, that kid? Would I feed him tacos? Yeah, four for 99 cents, he's gonna be taco crazy.

TOPANGA You're not getting that I'm really upset with you.

CORY Oh no, my precious peach, I had that rigt away.

TOPANGA Do you know why I'm upset with you?

CORY Yes, me, something I've done, or haven't done, or did do, but didn't do properly. Now with that said, (pointing to his mouth), taco!

TOPANGA You let Bily stay up last Friday night. You'd rather be pals with our kid than a strong, responsible role-model.

CORY Ummm-hmmm, ummm-hmmm, and yet, if I may at the risk of being argumentative, we don't have any kids!

TOPANGA And we're not gonna, you know why?

CORY Cause we're just kissin?

TOPANGA Because I believe that a family falls apart if they are not strong, authoratative role-models at home.

CORY Topanga, it wasn't our home. It wasn't our kid. Now, I'm sure what you're saying probably makes a lot of since, but right now my blood sugar level's dropping, and all I want's a little taco.

TOPANGA Well if that taco is more important to you than our child, then this family has disfunction written all over it. (Topanga exits to the right, while Shawn enters from the left with a taco in his hand) SHAWN Hey, Cor., taco?

CORY I don't think I'm supposed to have one.

[SCENE: Cory and Shawn enter the Matthews' wilderness store, where Alan is standing behind the counter. Eric is in front of the counter keeping busy.] CORY Eric, you know how you got this great job with dad, and your life's finally beginning to come together?

ERIC Yeah.

CORY That's over.

ERIC Why?

SHAWN CD player, you got one?

ERIC Yeah, under the counter here, let me just pull out "The Sounds of the Sleepin Sled Dogs".

SHAWN We were walking by Varsity Records when we saw them putting these in the window.

ERIC Hey. This looks just like Corinna.

SHAWN Yeah, ain't that a hoot.

ERIC Wait, she put out a record? How'd she do that so fast? ..."Uncle David's Records and Tapes", oh.

ALAN Adult advisory, lyrics not suitabe for children?

ERIC Wonder why? (Eric puts in the CD and they all stand and listen to Corinna's #1 single, "Sahdow") CORY Wow! She sounds really angry.

SHAWN That was the ballad.

ERIC Come on, I mean, thare's two billion people in the world. She could be angry about anything. This could be about anybody. (Shawn reaches out and takes the CD from Eric) SHAWN Track #2: "Eric Matthews, You're so Vain You Probably Didn't Know The Song Before This Was About You".

CORY All signs point to you.

ERIC All right, fine, but I mean, this was just a vanity CD, you know. This is somethin' her Uncle put together in a booth somewhere. It's not like anybody's ever gonna here this. (Shawn reaches over the counter and turns on the radio) RADIO ANNOUNCER You're tuned in to FM 109. Well, if you thought Alantis held a grudge, you ain't heard nothin' yet. Her name is Corinna and she's real angry at some pitiful creep named Eric Matthews. This one oughta be on the charts for 20 years. (The radio man cuts out and Corinna's hit, "Shadow", starts to play) ERIC I'm famous. [SCENE: Inside the MAtthews' home, Cory is sitting on the couch, reading a book on parenting tips, when Amy enters the room from the right.] AMY It's so-so good to see you studying. "So you're gonna be a daddy"... Oh boy. Suddenly I have no legs.

CORY No, no, it's not what's your thinking Miss Dirty Mind, it's research.

AMY Research, why?

CORY Well because, one day Topanga's gonna be a mother and I'm gonna be the father... or the uncle... or the way I'm going, the guy down the street with the binoculars, but, I just wanna be ready for what ever it is I'm gonna be.

AMY Well that's good Cor. but, mostly you learn from experience. I mean, your dad and I weren't prepared in advance, but we did the best we could, and we ended up with three wonderful, well-adjusted children. (Eric opens the door and walks in to the house) ERIC Hey, now I'm a mal-adjusted, woman hating, looser freak!

AMY Ok, two.

CORY Corinna came out with a new song huh? (Eric walks over to the couch and sits down with Cory and Amy, at this moment Morgan comes down the stairs from her bedroom, with headphones on, singing to the music) MORGAN (singing) He's a looser freak, looser freak, he's a mal-adjusted looser freak. He's a woman hating, mal-adjusted, looser freak. (Morgan takes head phones off and leans closer to Eric) MORGAN I can't believe you're my brother. Ewwwwwww! (Morgan puts headphones back on and prances to the kitchen) MORGAN (singing) He's a looser freak, looser freak.

ERIC This is a very difficult situation here. I mean, Corinna's a very sweet girl, with great artistic spirit. It'd just be wrong to crush that. (Morgan burts back intothe room from the kitchen entry) MORGAN (singing) And he doesn't like girls, cause he afraid of them, afraid of them. I think he likes boys if you know what I'm sayin'. (Eric stands up, greatly annoyed) ERIC Ok, this chick is toast! (Alan enters the house from outside) ALAN Ahh, Eric. Hey, remember that girl that was playing guitar in front of our store?

ERIC No.

ALAN Ah, well, ah, she's lookin' for you. She gave me this.

ERIC Ahh, she wants to meet me later. I bet she wants to apologize. [SCENE: At Chubbies Restaurant, Eric sits at a table, Corinna comes down the stairs and enters the resturant.] CORINNA I'm surprised you had the guts to show up.

ERIC I'm surprised you're out when the sun is up.

CORINNA (writing on a notepad) Mysterious vampire references from a psuedo, angry man.

ERIC Ah, what are you doin' there?

CORINNA Oh, I just, ah, write things down from time to time. So, ah, why else don't you like me?

ERIC Uh, cause you make my life miserable. I just want you to cut it out.

CORINNA (writing on a notepad) Hm, meow, meow, came the sound from the whining cat. What else you got?

ERIC Nope, that's it. I've said my peace.

CORINNA No, no, no, no, I-I, I know you've got lot's of anger. I mean, ah, go ahead. Yell at me, d-dump me, make me feel bad.

ERIC Wait a minute.

CORINNA What?

ERIC You're out of material, aren't you?

CORINNA I don't know what your talking about.

ERIC Yeah, that's why you had to see me today.

CORINNA No, it isn't.

ERIC Yeah. Uncle Dave needs some more angry songs and you don't have 'em.

CORINNA Uh. I have 'em. I have lots of 'em. I'm a very dark and edgy girl.

ERIC Mm-hm. Maybe to the rest of the world. But you know what I see when I look at you? ...Dandalions.

CORINNA What?

ERIC Mm-hm. Pretty dandalions and flowers on a sunny day.

CORINNA N-N-No, I-I-I-I-I-I don't wanna look at the d-dandalions. I-I-I-I-I-I'll loose my edge.

ERIC Come on Corinna. I know your true self.

CORINNA N-N-No, I-I'm a troubled, twisted soul. Y-Y-You know nothing about me.

ERIC (singing) The sun'll come out-

CORINNA D-Don't do that.

ERIC (singing) Tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that... when?

CORINNA (singing) Tomorrow.

ERIC (singing) There'll be... what?

CORINNA (singing) Sun. Just, thinking about, Tomorrow, clears away the cob-webs, and the sta- (Corinna notices Eric leaving) CORINNA Eric, a-a-are you leaving me? (Eric rushes back over andgrabs her by the shoulder) ERIC (singing) Tomorrow,

CORINNA, ERIC (singing) Tomorrow, I'll love ya, Tomorrow, your only, a day... (Eric sings drum part) ...away! [SCENE: Back at the Matthews' house. Cory is on the couch with Morgan reading her a bedtime story.] CORY So that night, the purple duck taught all his little friends, to go to bed early, to eat our green vegetables,... (Topanga enters from the kitchen) ...and that there's no reason to be afraid of the poty. The end.

MORGAN The little purple duck is quite the overahiever, isn't he?

CORY Well, that's something for you to think about when you go to sleep. Now, go brush your teeth.

MORGAN Billy Epperson said at his house, you let him stay up late and watch tv!

CORY Morgan, have we learned nothing from the purple duck?

MORGAN You're just making me go to bed because I'm your sister.

CORY No, no, I'm making you go to bed because I'm your brother, and, I love you. So, go to bed. (Morgan leans up and kisses Cory on the cheeck and goes off to bed, afterwards Cory gets up to leave and notices that Topanga has been standing in the kitchen entry) CORY How long have you been there?

TOPANGA Just walked in.

CORY Did you come over to yell at me some more?

TOPANGA No, I heard you were babysitting, so I brought you some tacos. (Topnanga holds up a taco bag) CORY Is this a trap?

TOPANGA I just figured, empty house, cozy couch, dangerous me and maybe you. CORY Ok, ok, but before I lower my shields here, what exactly made you change your mind?

TOPANGA I got to thinking about what you said about us being young and not having kids for awhile, and my guess is that by the time we do, you'll be a pretty good dad. (Behind Cory's back Morgan comes down the stairs and quietly opens the door for a bunch of her friends, who all follow her upstairs and into her room) CORY You know, my guess is I will be too. You know why? Because, kids respect me. They do. They sort of think of me as Mister Discipline. (Topanga shows Cory what Morgan is up to) CORY So we won't have kids. [Action freezes]

[CLOSE CREDITS]

[TAG ENDING: At the Matthews' wilderness store, Eric stands behind the counter busy listening to the radio, while Alan sweeps and cleans in the back of the store.] RADIO ANNOUNCER And now we've got the latestsingle by that angry young lady, Corinna Collins, who's taking the country by storm. I haven't heard this one yet. It's called... (surprised) ..."Fuzzy Wuzzy Love".

CORINNA (singing on the radio) At the little house down from the dandalion puddle, is a cute, sweet boy I sure, wanna cuddle-

RADIO ANNOUNCER Wow! That's bad! She's over!

ERIC (gives an evil laugh) [CLOSE SCENE]

End Of Show