Daria Day

Daria - Wow. Exciting state of the art graphics and sound, huh?

Jane - You betcha!

Daria - And what's the occasion? Daria Day, that's what. Hours and hours of Daria. Plus special stuff like us answering your online letters, all hosted by me and my sidekick Kramer here.

Jane - The whole thing is leading up to our devastatingly thrilling season premiere at 10:30.

Daria - So kick back, get down, throw up, and lets start things off with the very first Daria episode ever.

Jane - "Esteemsters."

Daria - Well, there it is. The very first episode ever of Daria.

Jane - Hmmm. Poignant.

Daria - Can you guess what episode's coming up next?

Jane - Could it be... our second episode?

Daria - Correct! It's "The Invitation." About one of those big high school parties that always seem to get out of hand.

Jane - Did it ever! That party went on long after we finished shooting!

Daria - Some of us were partying harder than others.

Jane - What do you mean?

Daria - Does the phrase "skinny dipping in the fish pond" mean anything to you?

Jane - I don't know what you're talking about. (pause) Who else saw?

Daria - Who didn't?

Jane - Roll tape.

Daria - So. Let's answer some of these letters sent to MTV Online.

Jane - Okie-doke. Here's one from Courtney P., who writes "How come your sister doesn't like you? Let's give my brother to Quinn, and I can have you."

Daria - Courtney? I'll tell you what. I'll send you Quinn. You can keep your brother. Okay, now, Skate Omaha writes, "Dear Daria, are you a virgin? And is your friend Jane a virgin, too?"

Jane - Ahem.

Daria - We'll be back in a little while with more letters. And this time, we'll read through them before we go on.

Daria - Hey. It's Daria Day.

Jane - And Jane Day!

Daria - It's not Jane Day.

Jane - Oh, right. Daria's the star. Okay. It's all about her.

Daria - And we're answering some of your letters submitted through MTV Online.

Jane - Here's one from Joe R. of Kenosha, Wisconsin. He writes, "Why don't you people ever do a Jane Day?"

Daria - I know. Let's move on to our next episode. Shall we?

Jane - It's a little thing we like to call - "College Bored."

Daria - Hey. We're back with your questions from MTV Online. Robert of Vasleia, California wants to know how old we are. Should we tell him?

Jane - You first.

Daria - Bob, I'm 16.

Jane - Yo tambien.

Daria - My sister Quinn is 14 and a half.

Jane - My brother Trent is 21.

Daria - And my mother is...

Helen (VO) - Daria!

Daria - We'll be back with more letters soon.

Daria - So much for higher education. Now we're going to get into an activity that's really important to society: shopping.

Jane - See, we're going to skip episode four and go on to episode five, "Malled." For complex technical reasons.

Daria - They lost the tape.

Jane - In this episode, for some trumped up reason the whole economics class goes to the world's second or third largest mall.

Daria - Teens at a mall. Talk about the ground-breaking story line.

Jane - That's why we have that shelf full of awards, my friend. I'd like to thank the members of the academy...

Daria - Oh, let's just watch.

Daria - Daria Day continues with more of your very important questions.

Jane - Paul S. from Aurora, Maine wants to know if Quinn was ever dropped on her head as a baby.

Daria - No Paul, but now you've given me something to do when I get home.

Jane - And Donnie from Baltimore asks, "Daria, will you marry me? I love you."

Daria - Yes Donnie, I will marry you. But only to get my green card. Okay, more letters soon.

Daria - Okay, we're back with an online question from Brian H.

Jane - "Dear Daria, are you a lesbian? If so, would you be interested in acting in a film?" Wow.

Daria - Brian, I'm not a lesbian. But if you think you have to be a lesbian to play a lesbian, then you must think Tom Cruise drinks the blood of virgins.

Jane - Um, bad example.

Daria - Huh? Oh yeah, but you know what I mean.

Jane - I'm a lesbian!

Daria - You are not.

Jane - I know, but I want to be in a movie.

Daria - Now Daria Day takes a turn for the serious, with an episode that really takes on society's worship of empty beauty. It's called "This Year's Model." And boy, is it powerful.

Jane - Hard hitting.

Daria - No holds barred.

Jane - No punches pulled.

Daria - No quarter given.

Jane - No prisoners taken.

Daria - Airing it was a spit in the face at the glamour worshippers who erode the nobility of the human spirit.

Jane - It didn't make a damn bit of difference.

Daria - Not for a second.

Daria - We're back with some more of your letters.

Jane - Here's one from FX-Man. "Dear Daria, why does MTV suck so much?"

Daria - Come on, FX-Man, you know they're not going to let us read that on the air.

Jane - I don't know what that guy's thinking.

Daria - We'll try again later.

Daria - Daria Day! Fun! Excitement!

Jane - Time and a half holiday pay!

Daria - Big fat season premiere at 10:30!

Jane - Endless re-runs leading up to it!

Daria - Episode seven! Science project!

Jane - Mismatched lab partners!

Daria - Hilarious antics!

Jane - Adorable rodents!

Daria - Why are we talking like this?

Jane - I don't know.

Daria - Episode seven.

Jane - "The Lab Brat."

Daria - It's letter time! And here's one from Daria super fan Katherine G. of Arlington Heights, Illinois, who wants to know, "What's your opinion on bad grammar?" Well Katherine, me no like.

Jane - Me no am liking bad grammar neither, Katherine. Now, Eric B. of Hatfield, P.A. wants to know, "Do you wear a bra?"

Daria - Bustier, Eric, strictly bustier. Okay, I'm tired of letters now.

Jane - We'll be back.

Daria - Well, by now we're so far into Daria Day that I can't remember anymore what a regular day feels like.

Jane - I'll never be able to go back to regular days after this. It's sad, really.

Daria - Which episode's next?

Jane - "Pinch Sitter."

Daria - Oh, yes. The one with those two cute little child actors.

Jane - It's a shame what happened to those kids after this episode made them stars.

Daria - Yeah, really.

Jane - I kinda feel partly responsible.

Daria - I know exactly what you mean.

(both sigh)

Daria - Here's "Pinch Sitter."

Daria - Say, I have a spontaneous idea: why don't we answer some of those letters from MTV Online?

Jane - Okie-dokie. First off, we have e-mail from Oga Nagaro from Nigeria who asks, "Do you think the world is going to end in the year 2000? Or do you think we're all going to be wiped out as in the Bible?" Very serious question that deserves a thoughtful response.

Daria - Yeah! Nigeria! Cool! They've got really cool animals there, don't they?

Jane - Okay, thanks for writing.

Daria - We're back with more letters from MTV Online.

Jane - Here's a nice one from Megan G. in Richfield, Utah, who asks, "How do I get rid of a large growth on the big toe of my left foot?"

Daria - Why Megan, thanks you so much for coming to me with your question. But I can't possibly give it the attention it deserves here. Watch for my upcoming MTV News special, "Toe Growth - A Generation in Crisis."

Jane - Shall we go away for a while?

Daria - After you.

Daria - Hey. It's super duper Daria Day, leading up to our second season premiere at 10:30.

Jane - What a terrific way to celebrate the unique entertainment phenomenon that is Daria.

Daria - Indeed. And our next episode is "Too Cute," in which 75% of the Fashion Club gets nose jobs.

Jane - Of course, they've had a lot more work done since then.

Daria - Oh, yeah.

Jane - But we're not supposed to talk about it.

Daria - Because they're our colleagues and our peers.

Jane - The surgically enhanced nitwits.

Daria - Here's "Too Cute."

Daria - Okay, we're back with more online letters. What have you got there, anything good?

Jane - Hmmm, let's see. Stacey A., the Markeson Family, Kelly420, Roselind and Cynthia, Jennifer F., Alicia, Amber C., and Daniel and Jen of Texas, all have more or less the same question.

Daria - So, it must be an important one. Let's hear it, and I'll try to answer.

Jane - The question is, "Hey Daria, what's up with you and Trent?"

Daria - Umm... ahh... Darn it, we're out of time.

Daria - Now this next episode has everything. Crime and punishment.

Jane - Generational conflict.

Daria - Psychological warfare.

Jane - And a fat guy on rollerblades.

Daria - We call it...

Jane - "The Big House."

Daria - Once again, it is time for the virtual online electronic mailbag, or something.

Jane - Let's see, Kelsey Z., Ryan, Stephanie R., Carl, Iko and Alison, Rebecca, Randy634, Deena S., and Brittany, all want to know: why the hell don't we ever change our clothes.

Daria - This is cable, guys. We don't have those big wardrobe budgets they have at the networks.

Jane - Why don't you go bug Marge Simpson about her hair? Ingrates.

Daria - I think you look great in that outfit.

Jane - You, too.

Daria - Thanks.

Jane - Don't mention it.

Jane - Folks, it's time now for a very special episode of Daria.

Daria - Stop.

Jane - An episode about... about the most important thing in a young girl's life.

Daria - Kill you.

Jane - And the one glorious emotion that soars above all others in her heart.

Daria - Feed your body to dogs.

Jane - Here's "The Road Worrier."

Daria - Ugly dogs.

Daria - Hey, it's letter time again. And this one is from Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Jane - "Dear Daria, I have a sister just like Brittany except for the fact that she's not blonde, which she's taking care of. She always does her cheers everywhere and anywhere. Please tell me how to tell her she's an idiot without hurting her feelings. I've seen her cry, it's not a pretty sight."

Daria - Aww, that's so thoughtful. Just wait till she's asleep, and spend the night whispering, "You're an idiot," in her ear over and over again. That's what I do with Quinn.

Jane - Thanks for writing!

Jane - Now wasn't that touching? Wasn't Daria all cute and vulnerable in that episode?

Daria - Hey, I'm an actress. I do whatever the script requires.

Jane - Uh, huh. And if the script required you to take a long van trip with Upchuck?

Daria - New script. Anyway, we're coming down the proverbial home stretch of this portion of Daria Day.

Jane - Although, after we show these last two re-runs, we're coming back again with more re-runs at 8.

Daria - And then we've got our big season two premiere at 10:30.

Jane - And then at 11, we go into season two re-runs.

Daria - That's a joke.

Jane - We hope.

Daria - So here's our 12th show from season one, about a treacherous trip to the woods.

Jane - And an even more treacherous family reunion.

Daria - It's called, "The Teachings of Don Jake."

Daria - We're back with some more of your letters to MTV Online.

Jane - Daniel of West Covina, California says, "Why are you and your family always eating the same thing at the table? Looks like lasagna and bacon strips."

Daria - Good question Daniel. But that isn't lasagna. Those are actually concentrated protein and starch nutrition squares. You see, as two dimensional cartoon characters, we have very fragile digestive systems and need to take nourishment in this manner.

Jane - And what about the stuff that looks like bacon?

Daria - Oh. That's bacon. Yummy yum.

Jane - We'll see you later!

Jane - Crazy Morgendorffers running around the woods. Funny.

Daria - But now I think it's time to get a little serious, don't you?

Jane - Oh yes. Time to tackle one of those sensitive subjects that cartoons handle so well.

Daria - We're talking about The Big Chill. The Grand Goodbye. The Ultimate Trip.

Jane - The Final Quiet. Sayonara. So Long, It's Been Good To Know You.

Daria - Buying The Farm. Biting The Big One. The Great Equalizer.

Jane - Here's the episode that won us the prestigious Bambi's Mother Award for the best television program incorporating the death of a cute animated character.

Daria - "The Misery Chick."

Daria - Hey, time for another letter to MTV Online.

Jane - This one's from Shannon R., who wants to know, "When you're at school and Brittany is getting on your last nerve, what stops you from yelling at her?"

Daria - Shannon, it's a little thing called a court order. See, I got into trouble a few years back.

Jane - She beat the crap out of a cartoon of Tina Turner.

Daria - But thanks to anger management class, I'm all better.

Jane - Yeah, right.

Daria - What's that supposed to mean?

Jane - Um, we'll see you later! Don't hit me...

Daria - Wow, this episode is really moving.

Jane - Stop campaigning, will ya? The Golden Globe awards were over weeks ago.

Daria - I can dream, can't I? Anyway, the big finish in this episode will wrap up part one of Daria Day.

Jane - We'll be back at 8 to show you some of these episodes, again.

Daria - And don't forget our huge, brand new, all new season premiere here at 10:30.

Jane - America, thank you for watching our re-runs.

Daria - See you later.

Daria - That was a fine indictment of the college admissions process, huh?

Jane - I thought it was a fun-filled campus romp.

Daria - Whatever. Anyway, we're ready to show you our last season one episode for today.

Jane - And it's the one we didn't show you earlier today. Episode 4, "Cafe Disaffecto."

Daria - Then we're going to go away at 10:00 to make time for Road Rules. And then at 10:30 we'll come hurtling back with a vengeance with our all new season premiere.

Jane - Whattaya mean it's too complicated? They have highly trained professionals figuring this stuff out.

Daria - That reminds me. We've got to stop by the feed store and get them some dinner.

Jane - Anyway, here's "Cafe Disaffecto."

Daria - OK. We're almost finished showing you the sixteenth Daria episode we've aired today. And we've got one more to go.

Jane - The big one! Our season premiere.

Daria - That's at 10:30, right after Road Rules.

Jane - We've got to go now and get into makeup for the big show.

Daria - Thanks for being our hostages here on Daria Day. See ya later.