Kylie Smylie

[A radio is playing, and Caitlin is singing along with it.] Kylie and Caitlin: "...for a while, and you just play me for a fool/And you just wait!" [Jen and Nikki walk up.] "I said play me for a fool!" Jen, Caitlin, and Kylie: "And you'll be mister yesterday!/You just play me for a fool/And oh, oh, oh, and walk away, walk away, walk away, yeah." Jen and Caitlin: "EEEE!" Nikki: [covering her ears] "Ugh!" Caitlin: "That has to be the best Kylie Smylie song ever!" Jen: "I can't believe she's actually coming to the mall tomorrow for a record signing and a concert!" Caitlin: "Do you think one of us will win the 'Spend the Day with Kylie' contest?" Jen: "Well, the essay I sent in to her website was pretty much the best essay I've ever written." Caitlin: "Mine was five thousand words long!" Jen: "What? Mine was only three thousand words!" Nikki: "I'm sure word count has nothing to do with proving you're fans." Caitlin: "We're not fans! We're Smylies." Nikki: "Smylies? Don't you mean Stalkies?" Jen: [gasping] "It's three o'clock! She should be sending out the winning phone message any second now!" Caitlin and Jen: "Please pick me, please pick me!" [A message pops up on Jen's phone.] Jen: "EEEE!!!" [She opens the message.] Kylie: [to Jen] "Hey, it's Kylie. Sorry, you lose! But like my song says, just 'cause you lost don't make you a loser." Jen: "Uh, but my essay was so good!" Nikki: "Well, on the upside, not winning means you're still semi-cool!" [Her phone beeps and she answers.] Kylie: "Hey, it's Kylie. Sorry, you–" Nikki: "Ah! Get out of my phone!" [She deletes the message.] Caitlin: "You entered the contest too?" Nikki: "As if I would voluntarily taint my phone with that. Must be a prank." [Caitlin's phone beeps.] Kylie: "Hey, it's Kylie. Thanks for entering the contest, Caitlin." [Caitlin gasps.] "I can't wait to spend the day with you tomorrow! Because you won!" Caitlin: "Woohoo! I won! Aah! EEE!" Jen: "No fair! Two three-thousand word essays for nothing!" Nikki: "Two?" [catching on] "You entered me in the contest!" Jen: "What? I would've taken your spot."

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Kylie Smylie''

[Caitlin is pacing nervously.] Caitlin: "How's my hair? Is my outfit okay? Anything in my teeth?" Jen: "You look perfect. I'm so happy for you I could POUND SOMETHING!" [calmly] "Not that I'm jealous." Caitlin: "It's okay, be jealous! I'm about to go with Kylie to a record signing, and a photo op, and watch her concert from the front row!" ''[Jonesy rushes up. He is wearing a suit and sunglasses.]'' Caitlin: "Huh?" Jonesy: "The name's Garcia. Jonesy Garcia. I'm part of Kylie's security detail." Jen: "What?!? How did you qualify for the job?" Jonesy: "I'm not at liberty to say." ''[Jonesy remembers how it happened. He caught Ron dancing with a mannequin in his office.]'' Ron: "Oh, Rastell, you're so graceful. It's like dancing with an angel." Jonesy: "Ahem." [He uses his cell phone to take a picture.] "I know what you're thinking. What's it gonna take to keep this quiet?" [Back in the real world, Jonesy chuckles.] Jonesy: "Anyhoo, Kylie's in safe hands now. If anyone can spot a creep, it's me." Nikki: "Takes one to know one." Jonesy: "I can tell you're feeling insecure about this, babe, and rightly so." Nikki: "I'm secure you'll be fired by lunch." Jonesy: "The bodyguard-superstar relationship can get intimate. So if Kylie flirts with me–and she will–obviously I'll have to flirt back. But it won't mean anything, I swear." Caitlin: "Don't even think about it! Kylie's not allowed to date until she's twenty-one, and her dadager will hurt any guy who even winks at her!" Jonesy: "Daddy-ger?" Jen: "Dad-slash-manager. He used to be some pro wrestler, Sergeant–" Jude: "Beef?!?" Jonesy: "Her dad is Sergeant Beef?!? The Alberta Hurta?!? He was a total beast!" Jude: "Yeah, and he had a smokin' finishing move, too! The Cow Pie." ''[Ron's cart pulls up, specially decorated. It has on it Ron, Kylie, and a very muscular man.]'' Jonesy: [running over] "Special security detail Jonesy Garcia reporting for duty, sarge!" [to Kylie] "Pleasure's all mine." [Her father leaps forward, growling.] "Okay, no pleasure, just business!" Caitlin and Jen: "EEE!" [Kylie walks up to them.] Kylie: "You must be Caitlin. I'm Kylie. I love your outfit!" Caitlin: "Thanks! I love your everything!" [They hi-five.] "These are my friends. Nikki?" Nikki: "Hey." Caitlin: "Jen?" Jen: "I–uhb–bap-bap-bap–blub." [She slaps her forehead.] Caitlin: "And Jude." Jude: "You are crazy hot!" Sgt. Beef: [standing up] "You lookin' fer a Cow Pie?" Jude: [crawling away quickly] "N-no thanks, b-bro." [skating away] "Peace out." Caitlin: "Is it okay if Jen gets a photo op with Kylie?" Jen: "Uhp–bah–blah–eeh–" Sgt. Beef: "Never gonna happen! Let's roll!" [Kylie and Caitlin get on.] Jonesy: [trying to get on] "I'll just try–okay, well, I'll just squeeze–" [Beef picks him up and sets him down by the cart.] "Oh sure, I'll just run alongside. All day. No prob." Caitlin: [as the entourage go past] "Bye!" Jen: "Guh–bah–beh."

Jude: "I'M KING OF THE DUDES!" ''[Jude skates down the escalator. When he gets to the bottom, though, two hands grab onto his underwear and hold him there, wedgied.]'' Jude: [pained] "Release the gitch, bras." Black-Haired Escalator Girl: "What'd you say?" Jude: "I said, could you maybe, um, loosen the grip and let me ride?" Black-Haired Escalator Girl: "No, I think you said you want a new hat." [The girls hike Jude's underwear over his head and push him away.] Jude: "Whoa! I'm not rolling!"

[Jen and Nikki walk through the mall.] Jen: "I've never been so humiliated! I had my chance and blew it!" Nikki: "Well there's always the record signing." Jen: "You're right! I'll bring all my Kylie collectables and prove I'm not a total loser!" Nikki: "Yeah, just a partial loser. Baby steps."

[Jonesy runs alongside the security cart.] Jonesy: [sweating] "Whoo! Shoulda ate a bigger breakfast!" Ron: "You need sulfides, Agent Maggot. No one gets near Smylie!" Jonesy: [seeing the approaching fans] "Take her to warp speed! We're overrun!" [Ron increases the speed and they blow past him.] "Legs–on fire–everything–so sparkly." Caitlin: [to Kylie] "What a life! It's so exciting! Do you bring your friends on the road?" Kylie: "I don't really–have friends. No time!" Caitlin: "Real friends come before everything. Except maybe for seriously hot guys." Kylie: "Totally! If only daddy would let me meet a hot guy." [Her stomach rumbles.] "Oh! Um, know where we can get some grub?" Caitlin: "I know the perfect place! Burger McFlipster's, please, driver!"

[Jude is going to try the escalator again.] Jude: "The coast is clear...the dude will stunt." [He skates down the escalator.] "Woo-hoo-hoooo!!!" ''[Too late, he sees the Escalator Girls holding their arms out in a bar. He rams into the bar and goes flying, landing on his back.]'' Jude: "Ow...not fair, dudettes! Neutral territory! And before you ask, no, I do not want a new hat!" Black-Haired Escalator Girl: "How about a new outfit?" [The girls grab Jude, pants him, tie his shirt into a belly shirt, tie his hands behind his back, put a rose between his teeth, and push him off on his skateboard.] Jude: [rolling away] "Not cool!"

[Jen and Nikki are walking through the mall.] Jen: "Okay. I've got all her DVDs, every Kylie Beat magazine, plus all her CDs, pins, socks, and press-on nails." Nikki: "Wasn't the goal to look less creepy?" Jen: "Hey!" [coming across Jude] "Jude?" Nikki: "More like Judith. What happened?" Jude: "Escalator Girls have a hate-on for the Judester." Nikki: "Aw, what'd the Judester do to them?" Jude: "Begged for mercy." Jen: "Jude! You can't let 'em see you're scared! They feed on fear." Nikki: "It's your mall as much as theirs. Next time, read 'em the riot act." Jude: "You're right! I'll do it! Don't suppose you got a copy of that Riot Act on ya?"

[Wyatt is at work singing.] Wyatt: "If your burger tastes like ribeye/Then we've done our job for you/If your burger tastes like doughnut/Then something wrong got through." Caitlin: "Kylie, this is my friend Wyatt. Wyatt, this is Kylie!" Wyatt: "Any friend of Caitlin's is a friend of mine." Wayne: [spotting Kylie] "Holy Pop-tarts!" Kylie: "I gotta say, you have an amazing singing voice." Wyatt: "Thanks." Caitlin: "So does Kylie! You know that song, Awesome Awesome Awesome?" Wyatt: "Sorry, never heard of it." Caitlin: "Rad Tights? Hot to Trot? Spakin Good?" Wayne: "Come on! Even I know Mr. Yesterday." Wyatt: [to Wayne] "Oh, that song? Man, that's the worst song I ever heard!" Caitlin: "Wyatt!" [She gestures to Kylie.] Wyatt: "That's...you?" [feeling stupid] "Aw, man. I didn't mean–pop music isn't really my bag. But you have a really beautiful face–voice." Kylie: "Oh, thank you." Wyatt: "Here, let me make it up to you with a Wyatt Special. On the house." [He hands her a burger.] Kylie: [eating] "Mmm. This is the best burger I've ever had." Caitlin: "That's why we're here!" [Jonesy walks into the store, panting and sweating.] Jonesy: "Your dad scared me–uh, sent me–to tell you we have to be at Spin This for the record signing in two." [He leaves.] Kylie: "'Kay. Thanks for the burger, Wyatt. Maybe I'll see you at the signing." [She leaves.] Caitlin: "He'll be there!" [to Wyatt] "What Kylie wants, Kylie gets. EEEE!" [She leaves.] Wayne: "She wants you. How did you do it, man?!?" Wyatt: "I have no idea."

[An extremely large line stretches out the door of Spin This.] Nikki: [sarcastic] "Wow, this line is full of winners!" Jen: "I'm so excited, your sarcasm has no effect on me!" Nikki: "Really? Then why am I even here?" [Inside the store, Caitlin is sitting next to Kylie as she signs various pieces of memorabilia.] Caitlin: [eating chocolate] "Security escorts, adoring fans, and endless bowls of chocolate? Being a pop star is the best!" Kylie: "Yeah, it's okay. But between us, you know what I'd rather be doing right now?" Caitlin and Kylie: "Shopping! EEE!" Caitlin: "Pop quiz: accessories or shoes?" Caitlin and Kylie: "Both! EEE!" Serena: [walking up with some coffees] "Hey Kylie. Thanks again for doing this signing. Cappucino?" Kylie: [taking one] "Thanks." [taking another] "And this one's for my best friend Caitlin." Caitlin: "That's me! EEE!" ''[Farther down the line, Sergeant Beef whistles. Jonesy comes up to him, drinking a bottle of water.]'' Sgt. Beef: "You! Anyone with more than five items is a threat. So weed 'em out, starting with the babbler!" [He points at Jen.] Jonesy: "Yeah." [going off to do his duty] "This isn't gonna be awkward." [Wyatt walks up to Kylie.] Kylie: "Wyatt! You came!" Wyatt: "Wouldn't miss it for the world." ''[Wyatt and Kylie look at each other, love in their eyes. Serena stares at them, shocked.]''

[Jude is ready to try the escalator run again.] Jude: "All clear for takeoff!" ''[Jude goes down the escalator and does a jump at the end. Unfortunately, this jump sends him straight for the Elevator Girls, who have formed a pyramid and grab his board out from under him. Jude crashes.]'' Jude: [crashed] "Okay bras. Can't we all just chill?"

[Jonesy is explaining the situation to Jen.] Jonesy: "Yep, according to Beef, you have a 'threatening number of items'. So you gotta lose all but five pronto." Jen: "But how can I not show her my Kylie tape? Or the grilled cheese she took a bite out of that I bought online?" Jonesy: "Okay, cuckoo bird, let's smooth out the feathers and pick a fave five." Jen: "Make an exception! We're family! Kylie, hey, over here! Caitlin, tell her I'm awesome!" [Sergeant Beef and Jonesy tow her away.] "Gah! No! I'm sane, I tell you! Not fair!" ''[Nikki watches her friend get taken away. Caitlin grins nervously. Jude rolls up to Nikki. He is trussed up like a turkey and set on his skateboard.]'' Jude: "So, I took your advice..." Nikki: "Enough is enough! I'm gonna go set those escalator girls straight!" Jude: "Could you set me straight first, bra?" ''[Nikki doesn't hear Jude. Serena, meanwhile, grabs Wyatt and moves him a few feet away.]'' Serena: "Wyatt, have you been working out?" Wyatt: "Not unless flipping burgers counts." Serena: "Oh, you. So, Chad and I broke up." Wyatt: "Yeah? But, you'll get back together again eventually, right?" Serena: "Not this time. He'll never be the man you are. I shouldn't have let you go." Wyatt: "Really? Wow." [He looks back over to Kylie and Caitlin.] Kylie: [to Caitlin] "Thanks for introducing me to Wyatt, he seems really sweet." Caitlin: "He's an amazing songwriter, too." Kylie: "Perfect boyfriend material!" Caitlin: [shocked] "Wyatt? But your dad won't let you date until you're twenty-one!" Kylie: "So you can help me! What daddy doesn't know won't hurt him." Caitlin: "But what Wyatt doesn't know might." Kylie: "Wyatt's so great, you have to help me ask him out while daddy's busy." Caitlin: "Yeah, Wyatt's great, but he kinda needs all his fingers to play guitar, and if your daddy finds out–" [She realizes that Wyatt and Serena are holding hands.] "Oh thank goodne–I mean, darn it! Looks like Wyatt's getting back together with his ex." [Kylie slumps.] "Sorry Kylie."

''[Jude follows Nikki up to the escalator. Nikki continues forward.]'' Jude: "Be careful, bra! It's like they all share the same evil brain!" Nikki: "Yeah! Hey! Escalator trolls! News flash: you don't own the mall!" Black-Haired Escalator Girl: "Aw, wussy brought a bodygirl." Nikki: "You three need to get a life! And some mouthwash, by the reek of it." Jude: [worried] "Easy, Nikki." Nikki: "You guys think you're so tough." Jude: "Nikki!" Nikki: "Well you're about as tough as a b–" [They pick her up.] "Hey! Hey, put me down!" [As one, the escalator girls heave Nikki into a trashcan.] Jude: [skating up to her] "Tried to warn you, bra." Nikki: [getting out angrily] "This. Means. War!"

Serena: "So, will you give me another chance?" Wyatt: "I can't believe I'm saying this, but no." [Serena gasps.] "I'm sorry, Serena. I never thought I'd get over you, but I have. Maybe it's time for you to do the same." [Wyatt walks back to Serena and Kylie.] "Okay. That was intense. I just told Serena that she needs to get over me. I'm the man!" Kylie: "So–so–so you two aren't–cool!" [writing on his hand] "This is my private number? I'd love to see you again." Wyatt: [high-pitched] "Really?" [deepening his voice] "Me too." ''[Caitlin tries to warn him off. Wyatt looks puzzled, and Kylie looks at Caitlin.]'' Caitlin: [faking a stretch] "Yay! This is so great! What could possibly go wrong?"

[Jen is watching people pass by in Kylie gear.] Jen: [angry] "Go on, be happy! See what I care! Ooh, she signed my shirt, ooh, I'm so awesome."

''[Nikki and Jude walk into a hardware store. Nikki's phone rings.]'' Nikki: [answering] "Lemme guess, you're in a rubber truck on your way to a padded room?" Jen: "Nope, I ran away before the truck arrived." Nikki: "Well, thanks to the escalator girls, I now smell like coffee dregs and half-eaten tacos." Jen: "Gross!" Nikki: [picking up a chainsaw] "But they will pay. Oh, yes they will." Jen: "I hope it's easier than getting past Beef and Jonesy." Nikki: "I hate to say it, but for once, he's actually good at his job." Jen: "I know. It's so unfair! But Kylie's doing a photo op at Taj Mahome Video, and I have the perfect disguise. So, what are you gonna do about the escalator girls?" Nikki: [holding up a drill] "I am going to break them."

[Ron pulls up to Spin This.] Ron: "Special Ops Task Force ready for deployment. ETA, the next drop zone Taj Mahome Video. T-minus two minutes." [Jonesy is walking towards the cart when Caitlin grabs him to stop him.] Caitlin: [whispering] "Jonesy! Kylie's into Wyatt!" Jonesy: "Our Wyatt? Dreads, low self-esteem Wyatt?" Caitlin: [whispering] "Yes! And he's totally clueless about Kylie's dad and his no-dating rule!" Jonesy: "That could be fatal." Kylie: [patting the seat] "C'mon, BFF!" Caitlin: "EEE! Coming!" [to Jonesy] "You have to warn Wyatt about Sergeant Beef before it's too late!" Jonesy: "I'm on it!" [He takes his cell phone out and quickly texts.]

''[Wyatt is working the grill when his phone dings. He picks it up and takes a look.]'' Wyatt: [reading] "Kylie's hot but Beef is dangerous. Stay away?" [annoyed] "Still making jokes about me working at a burger joint? Weak."

[The entourage walks into Taj Mahome Video.] Jonesy: [whispering to Caitlin] "Mission accomplished." Caitlin: "Thanks!" Cameraman: "Welcome, Kylie. Please stand here amongst our beautiful dancers." Kylie: "Sure thing! Hi, everyone!" ''[The girls all smile at her, except for the somewhat familiar-looking one on the end, who smiles and giggles. The music starts playing, and all but the last one dance in sync. The last one does a kick, and her shoe flies off and hits Sergeant Beef in the face.]'' Ron: [leaping in front of Kylie] "Security breach! Lock it down! Lock it down!" [He walks over to the last dancer and rips off her veil.] Jen: "AAAAAHHH!" Jonesy and Caitlin: [shocked] "Jen?!?" Jen: "I swear I'm not a stalker! Stalkers don't have boyfriends, but I do! Long distance, but still! Just sign my sandwich and let me smell your hair!" [Jonesy, Ron, and Beef grab her.] "Aah! I don't know why I just said that! I need a photo with you!" Caitlin: [to Kylie] "I'm so sorry about that, she's very goal-oriented. But harmless, I swear!" Kylie: "Hey, I owe her one for causing the distraction." [creeping off] "Wish me luck with Wyatt!" Caitlin: "Huh?" Jen: [crazily] "I stood beside her! Kylie! Kylie! I smelled!" Jonesy: "Hey, where is Kylie?" Sgt. Beef: "Show starts in fifteen." Jonesy: [to Caitlin] "Any idea where she went?"

[Wyatt is flipping burgers.] Kylie: "Hi." Wyatt: "Whoa. Hi." Kylie: "Anywhere we can be alone for a bit?" Wyatt: "Really? Uh, yeah. I know just the place."

[Jonesy runs through the mall.] Jonesy: "Kylie? Kylie?" [The golf cart is heading in another direction.] Caitlin: [calling] "Kylie? Everyone's looking for you, and whomever else you might be with!" Sgt. Beef: [angry] "Is she with a boy?!?" Caitlin: "You shouldn't get so mad. It makes your veins all bulgy and gross."

[Wyatt and Kylie are in the freezer of Burger McFlipster's.] Wyatt and Kylie: [singing] "When I was alone, you brought me the dawn/I wish I was home, why have you gone?/Oh, why have you gone." Wyatt: "Wow! That sounded so good, my goosebumps have goosebumps!" [Kylie giggles.] Kylie: [giggling] "Caitlin was right. You're a great songwriter." [realizing] "Oh. No. The concert!"

[Jen walks through the mall, head down.] Jen: [looking at her phone] "Sorry, Travis. I tried to get you a picture with Kylie." Kylie: [wearing sunglasses] "Which way to the concert stage?" Jen: "Through the food court, turn left." Kylie: "Thanks. You're the best." [removing her sunglasses] "Say cheese!" [Kylie grabs Jen's cell phone and uses it to take a picture of the two of them.] Jen: "Kylie?" [The cart pulls up.] Caitlin: "Look! Jen found Kylie, not Wyatt!" Sgt. Beef: "Guess I had you wrong, babbler." ''[Jonesy crawls up to the cart. Sergeant Beef picks up Kylie and Jen and sets them in the front seat.]'' Jen: "I got my photo! EEE!" [The cart peels off, leaving Jonesy behind.]

[Jen is in the front row with her friends.] Jen: "I was sulking, and she asked me a question, and I answered, and she hugged me!" Nikki: "Okay, and we're breathing now." ''[Kylie takes the stage. The crowd cheers.]'' Caitlin: "EEE!" Kylie: "You might be the one/Yeah you might be the guy/Play your cards right/And stick around a while/But play me for a fool/And you just wait!" Jude: "Aw, yeah!" Caitlin: "Awesome!" Kylie: "I said play me for a fool!" Caitlin: "I love you!" Kylie: "And you'll be mister yesterday!/I said play me for a fool/And oh, oh, oh, walk away, walk away!" Wyatt: [walking up to his friends] "Hey guys." Caitlin: "I want a full report after the show." Kylie: [finishing the song] "Thank you! Now I want to sing a new song by a special new friend. C'mon up, Wyatt!" Jen and Caitlin: [shocked] "Wyatt?" Jonesy: [shocked] "Wyatt?" Wyatt: [shocked] "Wyatt?" Kylie: "Don't let me down, Wyatt! C'mon!" [Wyatt heads for the stage.] Caitlin: "Oh. I guess that makes sense too." [Wyatt walks onstage, takes his guitar from Kylie, and begins to play.] Jonesy: [to Sergeant Beef] "I can totally vouch for Wyatt, sir, he's solid gentleman material." [Sergeant Beef takes Jonesy's sunglasses, crushes them in his hand, and lets the tiny fragments fall.] Jonesy: "Nevermind." Kylie: [singing] "On a cold and a rainy day/In a small cafe, yeah/I waited and waited for you." Wyatt: "We had a seaside view/The walls we pushed through/I waited–" Kylie: "Oo-oo-ooh–" Wyatt: "And waited–" Kylie: "Oo-oo-ooh–" Wyatt: "And waited–" Kylie: "Oo-oo-ooh–" Wyatt: "For you." ''[The crowd begins to boo. Sergeant Beef growls.]'' Kylie and Wyatt: "When I was alone, you brought me the dawn/I wish I was home, where have you gone–" ''[The crowd begins to throw trash at them. Sergeant Beef growls and leaps onstage.]'' Kylie: "Daddy!" Jonesy: "NNNOOOO!" ''[Sergeant Beef leaps on Wyatt. Jonesy jumps at the Sergeant and is thrown to the ground alongside Wyatt.]'' Crowd: "Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie!" [Sergeant Beef performs the requested move on Wyatt and Jonesy.] Jonesy: [crushed] "Something tells me I'm fired."

[Caitlin, Jen, and Jonesy are gathered around the table.] Caitlin: "I think I'm coming down from my celebrity high." Jonesy: "At least you didn't wrestle an angry building!" Jen: "Serves you right, keeping me away from Kylie all day." Wyatt: [walking up to them] "Well, Beef says I can date Kylie." [He and Jonesy hi-five.] "In five years." Jude: "Oh escalator girls, come out and play!" ''[Jude is standing at the top of the escalator. The escalator girls wait for him at the base eagerly.]'' Jen: "He does not want to live, does he?" Jude: [attached to a bungee cord] "Check out this tasty mover! Eat my dust, bras!" ''[Jude rides down the escalator. Inches away from the girls, his line goes taught, and he snaps back.]'' Jude: "Woo-hoo-hoo!" [As the escalator girls watch, stunned, Nikki comes up behind each of them and gives out giant wedgies, pulling their underwear over their heads.] Ron: [spotting them] "3-8-11s. Indecent Exposure of Underthings. Punishment: Immediate mall expulsion!" [Nikki and Jude sit at their cheering table.] Caitlin: "Yay! Way to go!" Wyatt: "Nice!" Jonesy: "Yeah!" Jen: "EEE!" Nikki: "Told you I'd take care of it." Jude: "Bra, I will never doubt you. Or cross you. Again."