Zapp Dingbat

Hey, guys. Welcome to my parents' I'm bored. Let's drink. Wow, what a turnout. It's great to see so many happy smiles, most of them on mouth mutant. (All laugh) All: Hey-o! Morris: But let me just say, for 40 years, my beautiful wife Munda has been by my side Even that year my side mutated into some kind of venomous radish. Munda: And, Morris, I fell in love with your honesty and humility.And those things never mutated. Both: Mmm All: Aw (Guttural): Aw : Now, if you'll direct your attention to this moldy shower curtain, I've prepared a video tribute to the happy couple. In their 40 years together, my parents have been through so much. Well, not that much, actually, since mutants weren't allowed to leave the sewers until last year. Like anyone wants to leave the sewer. Am I right? (All laugh) Shush, Morris. Leela: So, how did it all begin? The unlikely lovebirds met at Brown University. She, a brilliant exolinguistics major, he, a laid-back sewer surfer who didn't even know the meaning of "exolinguistics". Morris: I still have no idea. (All laugh) Munda: I've been telling you for 40 years, it's the study of alien languages. Why can't you listen? Morris: Oh, sugar lump, I hear you when you actually say something important. Leela: But sometimes opposites attract, and like the fairy tale of face mutant and butt mutant, the love of Munda and Morris has grown stronger every day. Munda: "Something important"? Exolinguistics was my passion. Until I gave it up to go into the lucrative pot-roast-making field. Morris: Pot-roast-burning. I never got why you studied that alien junk anyway. We can't even see the stars down here in the sewer. Why can't you accept that? Munda: I did accept it for 40 years! But now we're free to go up there. I could be in space seeing things I've only dreamed about, if it weren't for you! Uh, okay, everybody, thanks for coming. Morris: I had dreams, too! I was going to surf the world's sewers, but I happily gave it up for you. Happily! Munda: I just want a little more out of life. But no, you don't want to go into space because you're too afraid. Morris: You bet I'm afraid. You want to go? Go! Get your head knocked off by a meteorite. Leela: Okay, take a deep breath. You're having a little lovers' quarrel, but I'm sure you'll work everything - Raoul Inglis: Divorce is final. Munda: Don't worry. I'm only going to stay with you until a vacancy opens up on this floor. You know, the rents are a lot more reasonable in Peru. Come on, Leela, let's go out. After 40 years, I want to see the world. (Sighs) What the heck? You want to go out? Let's really go out. (Jaunty jazz playing) Dance, slave, dance. (Groaning) (Zaps) (Buzzing) Well, I lost two straight hands to the Borax Kid. I don't really have any use for these, but you can't have them back. Ladies. Imagine me, a girl from the sewer meeting a man made entirely of detergent. (Gasps) And look over there! It's Zapp Brannigan, the famous space captain. Hey, I have an idea. Let's look in a different direction at something else. You go ahead, dear. I wonder what Captain Brannigan's doing with those Carcarons? Now, regarding this peace treaty, Admiral Chu. That's a napkin dispenser, sir. This is the universal translator. Whatever. Now, Admiral, in exchange for your promise not to attack us, we will grant you exclusive fishing rights in Supernova Scotia. (Translated guttural alien language plays) (Replies in guttural alien language) Well, okay. Excellent. We'll meet aboard my ship in one month to sign the treaty of table seven. (Alien language translation plays) Table seven? Now, watch, Kif, as I score a diplomatic Coop by congratulating the Admiral in his native tongue. Last time you tried that, the Mexican restaurant declared war on us. I beg you, just use the translator. Kif, just trust me for once. (Speaks alien language) I'd like to spank your sister with a slice of bologna. (Chuckles) Oops. (Angry, guttural reply) (Weapons cocking) (Zapp gasps) It's the battle of Paco's tacos all over again. (Whimpers) (Speaking alien language) Mom, what are you doing? What I was trained to do. (Speaks alien language) (Speaks alien language) What did you say to them? Eh, just that Captain Brannigan confused the word for "congratulations" with the word for "spank your sister with bologna. " Nicely squawked, madam. Leela, you never told me you had a mother. I insist you stay for a courtesy thank-you drink. (Low whirring) Mmm, good barium shots. Expensive, though. We can put it on the corporate card, as long as we discuss business. So, uh, yesterday, huh? That business happened, right? Somebody? I'll just pay for it. Well, we should get going. You guys see where my mom went? I don't know where most of her is, but her tongue's in Zapp's mouth. Both: Mmm Whoo! Nasty. Mom, are you okay? Did Zapp take advantage of you? Show me where he touched you on this dried-apple doll. Oh, don't be silly. Zapp's a perfect gentleman. And so handsome. Did you know he wears a velour man-skirt? (Groans) Mom, I hate to break it to you, but Zapp's a jerk. The truth is I once slept with him A few times. I know. He showed me the commemorative painting. - What?! - Look, sweetie, I get it. You're jealous because Zapp likes me now and not you. But don't worry, this isn't a competition. Although he did say I'm a better kisser. I am not jealous. Also, yech! Zapp doesn't care about my mom. He's just doing this to get to me. Don't worry, Leela. Your mom won't see Zapp much. He's in space all the time. (Device trills) Guess what, honey. Zapp hired me as his personal translator. I'll be with him all the time In space. What? But I've never been so happy! (Device trills) Hang on, mom. I have another call. (Sobbing) (Sobs) Thank you for coming. You know, without your mother, the sewer's a dank and dismal place. Dad, we need to talk. Mom is Well, she's seeing someone else. Who is it, mouth mutant? I ought to punch him right in his big mouth. And then in all his smaller mouths! No, no, listen. It's time to get on with your life. But she was my life. Bender: Aw. What? Hey, what about your lifelong dream? Didn't you always want to surf the world's greatest sewers? Yeah, and Fry and Bender can go with you. You can teach them how to surf, and they can make sure you don't (Mimics cork pop, gulping, blubbering, gunshot sound) I don't know. Would you come, too, sweetie? I can't. I have to keep an eye on mom to make sure she and Zapp don't (Mimics air raid siren, train chugging) Yee-haw! You know what? I'm going to give it a shot. Let's go surf the great sewer waves of the world! (Squeaking) (Speaking alien language) Where have you been? What? It's 2:00 in the afternoon. Several days later. Look, enough is enough. Zapp is a jerk. I insist you break up with him. Why can't you just let me be happy? After all these years, I'm going places I've never been, and having sex there. You're too old to be happy. I'm not too old to enjoy hot sex with Zapp. Ugh! Sex with Zapp! Ew! Sex with Zapp! Aah! Sex with Zapp! No, no! Now, if you'll excuse me, I don't think I can live here anymore. I'll be back for my things at 8:00 sharp. (Beeping) Sex with Zapp! - This one is for the E. Coli - Ow! - And this one's for the leprechaunorrhea. - Hiddly-Dee! I don't care how many diseases Fry has. It was worth it. Right on, brah! I feel free as a bum. How can you be so calm, dad? The woman you love is out there having the time of her life with Zapp Brannigan, and you're not doing anything to stop it. Surfing helped me chill out, honey. When you're down there riding the waves, the wind ripening in your face, everything just makes sense, dude. You mind if I call you dude, princess? Look, I don't want to put a rat in your face-cage, or whatever you kids say nowadays, but Zapp's using mom to get to me, and I'm going to prove it! Kif, I'm bored. What say you go out on the wing and pretend you're a gremlin? (Sighs) Well, if it isn't my second favorite Turanga girl. Hi, Zapp. I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner tonight with me and my mom. You know, to celebrate your genuine love for her. Sounds good. And don't forget my genuine love for par-me-zian cheese. Shall we say about 7:58? Precisely? Nice to see you, Zapp. Well, nice to see a surprising amount of you, too, Leela. Is Munda here? Mommy's not home, big boy. We both know you're just using her to get to me. So let's do it right here by the front door at 7:59. Leela, does your mother know you're using her pole? (Grunts) Come on, I'm all yours! Have your way with me for the next 30 seconds. That would be more than enough time But I can't. I love Munda. I love everything about her: Her laugh, her maturity, the cold, lifeless touch of her tentacle on my body. She is one juicy calamari. Munda: Oh, Zapp I love you, too. (Gasps) Oh, squiddums! I've been thinking about this for a while, and, well Here in front of your half-naked daughter seems like the perfect time. Darling Will I marry you? Of course, I'll marry you, Zapp. I, uh, think a motel room might be in order. Leela, here's $40. Mom, don't do this. Zapp is a selfish, womanizing idiot. There's no need to call me names, Leela. Just call me "Daddy. " (Screams) Mom, if you try to marry Zapp, I will shove you into a filthy nursing home so fast you won't know what hit you. Probably, it'll be a filthy nurse. Leela, you're my daughter and I love you, but cram it! Morris: Is this a bad time? I was riding the el torito dinner backwash, and I thought I'd pop in. Oh, thank God you're here. If we don't do something, mom's going to marry Zapp Brannigan! So? He seems like a nice kahuna. Dad, stop being so mellow. Leela, honey, chill out. You got to take the good with the gnarly. Speaking of which, time for me to shoot the ihop dessert curl. (Wave splashes) (Groans) Oh, you sure you won't come to your mom's wedding? There'll be "chicken or fish, circle one. " I can't. Not when I believe with all my heart that this marriage is a mistake. I know you're upset that your parents broke up. But what if Zapp really does make Munda happy? What if they're meant to be together? Fry, that's just so I can't even believe You are so totally Right. You're right. I am? Huh. Maybe Zapp isn't the only one who's marriage material. You're getting there. (Grunting) Leela? You look beautiful, mom. Really? I'm not showing too much sucker for a lady my age? Just the right amount. You'll make a lovely bride. Oh, mom I'm sorry I've been so horrible to you. Ah, you weren't so horrible. Just enough to show you care. ♪ At ease, darling. Honored guests And Kif. One of a captain's many superpowers is the ability to conduct marriage. So I will now join myself in holy macaroni. Kif, raise the ceremonial mirror. Zapp, you magnificent bastard, do you take Munda to be your lawful (Alarms whoop) Alien ships approaching, sir. It's the Carcarons! Oh, meatballs. I forgot they were coming to sign the peace treaty today. Ladies and gentlemen, my blushing translator and I have business to tend to. In the meantime, enjoy the comic stylings of Nixon and Agnew. Oh, Mr. Agnew? (Monster-like grunting) Munda, tell the Admiral that by signing this peace treaty, we will achieve harmony between our worlds. Zapp, honey, this is the wrong document. It's not a peace treaty. It says they're declaring war on us. Brilliant, isn't I? The moment they sign, we destroy their fleet in one glorious burst of quote-unquote "self-defense. " Up high, Mrs. Brannigan. Don't leave me hanging, Mrs. Brannigan. I come from the sewer, but that is low. I'm not going to translate your lies. Munda, dear, as your captain and soon-to-be husband, I gave you an order. Now, let's tell these vicious lies and get back to our sacred vows. There's not going to be any wedding. I don't want your fancy ring. Careful! That's glass! Leela was right. You're a lousy man and a lousy captain. And I'm going to tell our Carcaron friends the truth. (Speaking alien language) Zapp lying sack of (Speaking alien language) Well, this is awkward. Our Carcaron friends declared war. Then, once again, my lies have been proven true. (Explosion, screams) We're under attack and the wedding's off. Kif, return fire and the cake. Our weapons are disabled, and you can't return ice cream cakes! We're doomed! (Clattering) Stop the wedding! (Gasping, exclaiming) Morris? I'm not giving up the love of my life without a fight. (Grunts) Do I know you? (Groans) Dad? I thought you were all zen with mom getting remarried. I was at first. But then I conquered my inner peace. If you care about something, you've got to take action. Harsh, violent action! (Screaming) Kif, get us out of here. Navigation is out. We're sitting ducks. Is there an auxiliary control system? Yes, outside on the hull. But there are 20 separate control keys. No one could work them well enough to ride out these energy waves. No one? It's time to hang 20! Munda: Morris! What are you doing? Hold on to your coconuts. We're going for the ride of a lifetime! ♪ but I thought you were terrified of outer space. I was, but then it hit me. If heaven's above us, then the whole universe is just God's glorious sewer. (Grunting) Hang on, sweetie! (Alarm blaring) What do we do? Who do we blame? We don't blame anyone. We make peace. One word can end this. Then say it. No, you say it. (Clears throat) (Speaks alien language) (Grunts in agreement) This actual peace treaty is hereby enacted. Agnew, give it your stamp of approval. (Grunts) (Cheering) What do you say, sewer plum? Want to give it another go? Well, I am still in my wedding dress. And we still have a cake. Uh, half a cake. (Belches) Very well. Morris, Munda I now pronounce you man and wife. May I kiss the bride? (Grunts) Congratulations.