IHave a Lovesick Teacher

How did you drop your textbook in the water?

Ah, my bathtub study tray broke.

You have a bathtub study tray?

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Hi.

Hey.

'Yo.

Why do you have a bowling bowl?

Don't ask why.

Just pretend you don't see it and that way, we won't be a part of the tragedy that's about to happen.

Hey, all set.

Okay, people, unless you're a bowling pin, move.

[Cheering]

Ha, no way you can knock both of them down.

Don't doubt my ball skills.

What's wrong with Ms. Ackerman?

What'd you do to her, Sam?

I know why miss Ackerman is upset.

Why?

What happened?

Her boyfriend dumped her last night.

No way.

What?

Yup.

You didn't hear it from me.

[Bell ringing]

I got to get to class.

Sure.

Right after I knock down these last two pins.

With one throw?

Not possible.

We'll see.

Ow.

I'll call the school nurse.

[Music]

♪ I know you'll see, somehow the world will change for me and be so wonderful, live life, breathe air, I know somehow we're gonna get there and feel so wonderful, it's all for real, I'm telling you just how I feel, so wake up the members of my nation, it's your time to be, there's no chance unless you take one and the time to see the brighter side of every situation, some things are meant to be, so give me your best and leave the rest to me, leave it all to me, leave it all to me, just leave it all to me *

This is super weird.

She's been like that for 20 minutes.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

Miss Ackerman, are you okay?

Yes.

Sit down.

Okay.

Now, I want you all to write a 10-page essay on the Louisiana purchase.

Um, we haven't even gotten to that chapter yet.

Too bad.

Sometimes, things happen you're not prepared for.

But how are we suppose to write an essay on something you haven't taught us about yet?

I don't need your sass, carly shay.

Sass?

Look, it's not fair to make us write 10 pages-- let's make it 15 pages, yeah, that's right.

Ow.

I'm gonna go get some aspirin.

Start reading chapter whatever.

I'm not sassy.

Her boyfriend must have dumped her hard.

No kidding.

The lady is losing it.

Sometimes I'm bold, but I'm never sassy.

Freddie, why aren't you reading chapter whatever?

Oh, um, 'cause I dropped my textbook in the bathtub last night.

Of course.

You men are all the same.

You lose interest in your textbook and then you just dump it in your filthy bath water.

Ms. Ackerman, you don't need to yell at Freddie in front of the whole class.

Oh, look, more back talk from the sass master.

I am not the sass master.

And it's wrong for you to be mean to Freddie just 'cause your boyfriend broke up with you.

Wow, Carls.

Maybe you are the sass master.

You go straight to the principal's office.

What?

You heard me.

But-- go.

Why do I-- now.

Miss-- get out.

Oh.

[Music]

F, f, f.

Excuse me, Ms. Ackerman.

What?

I'm Spencer shay, carly's older brother.

What do you have there?

Frozen yogurt.

There's no eating in my classroom.

Sit down.

Yes, ma'am.

So, principal Franklin said you wanted to speak to me about carly's behavior.

That's right.

She sassed me in front of my entire class.

Right.

We talked about it and she regrets her sass.

But she felt she needed to defend Freddie.

She felt like it wasn't fair for-- did I--did I say something?

Hey, come on.

Don't cry.

Blue skies.

No.

No.

Why are you crying?

Well, this is how I use to get carly to stop crying when she was little.

Oh.

And if that didn't work, little carly can expect a surprise visit from the tickle monster.

Oh.

Now, now.

I cannot take-- I can't take this.

Stop.

Stop.

I'm sorry.

Just that I recently broke up with my boyfriend and it's been rough.

Oh, don't beat yourself up.

We've all been through some bad breakups.

Yeah.

So, do you have a girlfriend now or-- nope, I got a goldfish, but we're just friends.

So, do you wanna go get some coffee or something?

Sure.

I make great coffee.

I also have cookies, the soft kind.

Really?

Uh-huh.

Wanna come over?

That sounds nice.

Well then, through the door, teacher lady.

It's okay, little guy.

[Music]

Oh.

You want me to stop?

No, it hurts too good.

Miss Ackerman?

Oh, hi, carly.

Hi.

Uh, not that I'm not happy to see you, but why are you here standing on my brother?

'Cause she has magic feet.

Oh.

I spent six months in Thailand learning the art of back-walking massage.

Oh, those thailamanians taught you good.

So, coffee, snacks, back-walking.

What's going on here?

Well, after our guardian-teacher conference at your school, we decided to come back here for coffee and cookies.

Soft cookies.

Okay.

Well, I'm just gonna go upstairs and try to make myself comfortable with all this.

No, why don't you hang down here with us for a while?

You can watch me give Spencer a haircut.

Try it and I'll call the scissor police.

Oh, give me that hair.

No.

Give me-- come here, Spencer-- I love my hair.

I love it.

Come on.

It's all luxurious.

A little bit.

No.

I know you've been very pretty.

No.

Okay, everyone.

I know you were all expecting a test today, but instead I've decided to give you all a-pluses and caramel apples.

Oh, yeah.

Pass those around while I make a phone call.

Okay.

Spencer dating miss Ackerman is the best thing that's happened at this school since that lunch lady fell in that giant gravy pot.

Hi, Spencer.

No, I was just missing you.

Yeah.

Did you get my text message?

Did you think it was cute?

No, you are.

Oh my, stop it, I can't take it.

It's just a little weird seeing a teacher in my house.

Weird, how?

Weird like when she comes over for dinner, I feel like I have to raise my hand to say, "pass the peas."

Eww, peas?

Not the point.

Yeah, the point is this could not get better.

Hey, kids.

Instead of class tomorrow, how would you all like to come ice skating with Spencer and me?

Yeah.

Just got better.

[Music]

[Oven bell ringing]

Ah.

[Doorbell chiming]

Carly, could you get the door?

I'm not dressed yet.

Okay.

Oh, miss Ackerman, you look sort of like hot.

Really?

Yeah.

Come on in.

Spencer is just finishing getting dressed.

Oh, hey.

I--I just got the new cable for the--whoa.

I also said "whoa."

Hi, Freddie.

What are you doing here?

I was just, uh, coming over to help--work on a Web show with carly.

Whoa.

Okay, why don't we go upstairs before you start drooling?

Have fun, you guys.

Go.

Wow, you look fantastic.

Thanks.

I got you a present.

What for?

Our one week anniversary.

Ah, how great are you?

Very.

Open it.

No, a pearpod?

Uh-huh, and it's loaded up with 500 of the best songs ever.

Five hundred songs, that must've cost you a fortune.

No.

No, pearpod wasn't cheap, but I just downloaded the songs from one of those music-sharing websites.

Oh, I think you've got something boiling over in your stove.

Ah.

Whew, you saved my soup's life, which means you deserve some passion fruit punch.

Hmm, sweet.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uhm.

Uh-huh.

So, where were you today between 3:15 and 3:40?

What do you mean?

I called you one, two, three, four, five, six times between 3:15 and 3:40

and you didn't pick up.

You write down every time you call me?

Well, we're dating.

I'd like to know where you are.

Every minute of every day?

Yes.

Really?

Really.

Oh.

I'm gonna go carve Mr. chicken now.

All right.

So, where do you think you were?

Just take a guess.

I--I don't know.

I think, uh, maybe I was-- liar.

Love me.

Ah.

[Music]

Okay, how about this?

What if you guys do an "iCarly" segment where you compare vegetables?

What?

You talk about squash and carly talks about asparagus?

What?

You see, this is why carly and me are the creative ones, and you're the technical producer who really shouldn't talk so much in these meetings.

Carly.

Carly.

Let's take a break.

Yeah.

Let's talk about how awesome it is that Ackerman never gives us homework anymore.

Yeah, we really owe Spencer.

Big time.

Can you believe how mean Ackerman got after her last boyfriend dumped her?

Oh, she was gonna ruin our lives.

No doubt.

We're just lucky that-- hey.

Hey.

Where's miss Ackerman?

Oh, she left.

I dumped her.

Hey, Freddie.

[Makes sound]

I can't talk.

I'm trying to prepare for miss Ackerman's pop quiz on chapter seven.

We're having a pop quiz?

Probably.

You saw how she treated us last time she got dumped.

Oh man, he is right.

Give me that thing.

I gotta start writing stuff down on my arms.

How much information can you write on two arms?

Yeah.

I'm gonna need more space.

I'll be in the bathroom.

Wait, the book.

Get your own book.

That is my own--ah.

Ooh, miss Ackerman's coming.

Be cool.

Maybe she won't notice us.

Good morning, carly.

Good morning, Freddie.

How are two of my favorite students today?

Uh, fine.

Good.

Uh, you sure are in a good mood.

Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Well, we sort of heard that you and Spencer broke up last night.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We just had a little spat.

No, Spencer and I are still very much together.

Oh.

So, no pop quiz today?

Of course not, you silly goose people.

Here, take your book.

I'm all set.

You don't need to be.

We just saw miss Ackerman.

No pop quiz.

So I did this for nothing?

[Music]

Hi, we need to talk.

Sure, in a minute.

I gotta finish pumping the guns.

Pump your guns later.

Miss Ackerman's on her way over here.

She thinks you two are still dating.

Oh.

Oh.

What is wrong with that woman?

She's loony, loony in the head.

Man, why didn't you call and tell me?

I could've been in Canada by now.

Well, I don't think Canada's gonna-- [doorbell chiming]

[Screaming]

It's her.

Why couldn't I've been born with wings?

You're not a cockatoo.

Be a man.

All right.

I'm gonna set that lady straight.

No.

Right.

What?

Spencer.

We have to?

Don't upset her?

But I don't wanna go out with her.

I know.

Tell her that, but say it nicely and sweetly so she doesn't ruin our lives in school.

Okay, nicely.

And sweetly.

I'll be upstairs.

Boo.

[Screaming]

Hi, Lauren.

What a surprise.

So where should we go for dinner tonight?

Do you like Italian food?

Yeah, uh, but Lauren-- I know we had a little argument, but it's okay.

I'm not mad at you anymore, and I brought you a panda pig.

A panda pig?

Yeah.

You said your two favorite animals were a panda bear and a pig.

So I cut off the head of a pig and I sewed it onto the body of a panda bear.

For you.

Uhh, that's not weird.

Lauren, I don't wanna go out with you anymore.

Spencer, I think you're just overreacting.

No.

I think you're under-reacting.

Seriously, I don't wanna date you.

If you're trying to tell me something, just say it.

I don't want to date you.

Fine.

And I'm just gonna do this.

That was a loud slam.

Did you break up with her?

Yup.

She didn't handle it well.

Were you gentle and sweet?

Yes, but she wasn't.

[Music]

Okay, class.

This pop quiz is going to count for 90 percent of your final grade.

Uh, miss Ackerman, you forgot to give me a quiz.

That's right, because I already graded yours.

You give me an f on a quiz I never took?

That's right.

F, f, f, f-iny, f, f.

Okay, that is jenk.

Life is jenk because sometimes, certain little girls' brothers dump you for no good reason.

Miss Ackerman, I didn't mean to-- there's no talking during the quiz.

But it's not my fault.

That tears it.

You give me 100 jumping jacks.

Huh?

That's so not fair.

You too, flapjack.

One hundred jumping jacks with her in the corner.

Man, you're off your nut.

Is that so?

Well, then, I'm gonna-- yeah, yeah.

I know.

Now, I gotta go do jumping jacks.

No.

You are gonna wash my car.

Faster.

I want those faster.

Faster.

I wanna see you sweating.

[Music]

What are we gonna do?

We're gonna tell Spencer to call miss Ackerman and start dating her again.

No, I'm not gonna make my brother's life miserable just to make ours easier.

Come on.

Havin' a miserable life is not all that bad.

Sometimes my mother laughs.

Why can't Spencer just date her?

'Cause the woman's a big bottle of crazy sauce.

But-- but what?

I think I might know a way to fix this.

Good.

How?

"Icarly."

Our Web show?

No, our potato farm.

[Music]

Okay.

Now to close the show--

we're gonna do something a little different on "iCarly."

Please say "hello"

to someone you've met here before, my big brother Spencer.

[Cheering]

Thanks for coming, Spence.

Do you know why you're here?

No, because you wouldn't tell me why I'm here.

That's 'cause we have a little surprise for you.

Ooh.

Come on out here, miss Ackerman.

[Cheering]

Yeah.

What is going on?

Just go with it.

Oh.

All right.

This is our history teacher who very kindly agreed to appear on our show.

Hello.

Spencer and miss Ackerman have been dating.

But they've been having some relationship problems.

So we're gonna talk to them.

And then you guys could vote online right here at iCarly.Com--

to tell us whether it's time for them to-- I'm not comfortable with this.

Shh.

So Spencer, why do you feel that you and miss Ackerman are having problems?

Well, she seemed nice at first, but then I realized she's totally insane--

not my type.

And miss Ackerman, where do you feel things went wrong?

I don't know.

I tried to be a good girlfriend.

I bought him presents.

What kind of presents?

Well, a customized stuffed animal.

Oh, and a brand new pearpod with 500 songs on it.

Wow, a lot of songs.

You buy 'em all on peartunes?

No, I just downloaded them from one of those music-sharing websites, but it's not about how much a person spends, it's the thought that counts.

You make a good point.

Okay, "iCarly" viewers.

It's time to vote.

But I can't-- right here at iCarly.Com.

Just look under the pics of Spencer and miss Ackerman-- and vote make up--

or break up.

Can I say one more thing before they vote?

No.

Sit down.

[Music]

Is that it?

That's it.

Well, what's the vote?

The "iCarly" viewers said that you and Spencer should-- break up.

[Cheering]

I'm deeply sorry.

Yeah, right.

Listen, we know you feel bad.

Want a bite of my burrito?

No.

And if the vote says that we shouldn't be together, then I hate you and the Internet.

Ow.

Okay, what was the point of all this?

Now, she's just gonna be mean and vicious to you guys at school.

I don't know.

Lot of people watch "iCarly."

And sometimes-- --we make sure certain specific people watch.

Hmm, yes.

Yes, we do.

You guys are up to something and I don't wanna know what it is.

[Music]

I hope you all haven't made any plans for this weekend

'cause you're gonna be up to your eyeballs in homework.

When?

Soon.

And today, you will all write 1,000 words on why men are dirty, rotten, stinktacious, ungrateful-- Lauren Ackerman.

Yes, who are you people?

FBI.

You are under arrest?

Arrest?

For what?

Five hundred counts of illegally downloading music on the Internet.

Well, you have no proof.

Yes, we do.

Ma'am.

I believe all the proof we need is on this pearpod.

And you admitted it last night on those kids' Web show.

Which we recorded.

You set me up.

That's a lie.

No, we set her up.

Oh, yeah.

So now, what do we do?

Yeah, we should probably tell principal Franklin that our teacher's been arrested.

Or we could go ice skating.

Yeah.

Hey, "iCarly" people.

You guys know how you do wake up Spencer on iCarly.com?

Okay, watch me wake up my dad with a bucketful of ping-pong balls.

Matthew, Katie.

Matthew, come back here right now.

Mmm.