Laugh Your Pants Off

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy III

 * TV Announcer: The New Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy! We join Bikini Bottom's noblest, boldest, oldest superheroes as they bravely prepare for vacation. [both pack their clothes into their bags while FOLD and PACK words come up as they put them in] But wait! While our heroes relax at leisure village, who will watch the Mermalair? [Barnacle Boy opens the doors and SpongeBob and Patrick jump in]
 * SpongeBob: ManSponge...
 * Patrick: ...and BoyPatrick!
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: Reporting for duty.
 * Barnacle Boy: Yeah, yeah, follow me.
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: Up, up, and away!
 * Mermaid Man: Evil!
 * Barnacle Boy: Now, we want you boys to keep an eye on the place. Water the plants, and make sure that...
 * SpongeBob: Oh my gosh, Patrick. This is the greatest wall of superhero super gadgetry ever! I'm going to play with the Cosmic-Ray!
 * Patrick: I'll get the Aqua-Glove.
 * Mermaid Man: Hold on there, boys! You cannot play with this stuff.
 * SpongeBob: What about the Orb of Confusion? [turns the orb on and makes confusion faces]
 * Mermaid Man: [turns it off] No, no! Prolonged exposure from the Orb of Confusion will give you... uh... confusion!
 * Patrick: [opens then closes the boat's door] What about the invisible boat mobile?
 * Barnacle Boy: Especially not the invisible boat mobile. When we say don't touch anything, we mean don't touch anything. Do you understand?
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: Loud and clear trusted boy companion!
 * Barnacle Boy: Well, great. Here are the keys. [SpongeBob takes the key from his hand] We'll see you in a week.
 * Mermaid Man: [both run out the door] Up, up, and away.
 * SpongeBob: Come boy Patrick. While our heroes are away, we will keep evil at bay. [both flip into the other room while yelling karate sounds]
 * Patrick: Huh? MUH-MUH-MUH-MA-MUH-MUH-MA-MUH-MA...
 * SpongeBob: What is it trusted sidekick?
 * Patrick: MUH-MUH-MUH-MA-MUH-MUH-MA-MUH-MA! MUH-MUH-MUH-MA-MUH-MUH-MA-MUH-MA!
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: MUH-MUH-MUH-MA-MUH-MUH-MA-MUH-MA! MUH-MUH-MUH-MA-MUH-MUH-MA-MUH-MA! Man Ray! Ahh! [both hide]
 * Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, how come he's not chasing us?
 * SpongeBob: Looks like he's frozen or something.
 * Patrick: FRUH-FRUH-FRUH-FRO-FRUH-FRUH-FRO-FRUH-FRO!
 * SpongeBob: It appears to be some sort of prison chamber... [licks the chamber] ...made out of frozen tarter sauce. This is incredible. Next to the Dirty Bubble, the evil ManRay is the all-time greatest arch nemesis of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. I have so many questions to ask him. [Patrick pulls the lever down to UNFREEZE] Pat, what are you doing? We're not supposed to touch anything!
 * Patrick: But you said you had a question.
 * SpongeBob: We could get in trouble.
 * Patrick: Well, that's not a question. [they both argue when ManRay's eyes start to light up]
 * SpongeBob: He said not to touch anything and that includes unfreezing a super-villain! [pulls level up back to FREEZE]
 * Man Ray: I'm free! Hahaha!
 * SpongeBob: Uh, actually, Mr Man Ray, sir, only your head is free.
 * Man Ray: I, the supreme authority of wickedness, I, the evil Man Ray, command you to release me from this frozen prison at once.
 * SpongeBob: Well, uhh, Mr. evil ManRay sir, we can't do that.
 * Man Ray: Why.. NOOOOOOOOOOOTTT?!
 * SpongeBob: Because you're evil!
 * Man Ray: You mean, if I was good then you'd let me go?
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, sure, why not?
 * Man Ray: Then, uh, in that case... I am good.
 * SpongeBob: Really?
 * Man Ray: Yes, really.
 * SpongeBob: Really, really?
 * Man Ray: Yes, yes, really, really.
 * SpongeBob: Really, really, really?
 * Man Ray: Yes, yes, already! I'm good! I'm good! Now let me out of here or you'll suffer dire consequences.
 * SpongeBob: Well, that's good enough for me. [SpongeBob pulls the lever back to "UNFREEZE" Man Ray is unfrozen and falls to the ground]
 * Man Ray: You fools, prepare to be eradicated. [tries to jump at SpongeBob and Patrick but stops in mid-air and falls to the ground then laughs] What's wrong with me? Hahaha. What is this... Hahaha. infernal contraption?!
 * SpongeBob: Don't play dumb, Man Ray! You know that's the tickle belt Mermaid Man used on you in episode #17.
 * Narrator: [showing a picture of the belt] As seen in episode 17!
 * Patrick: Oh, I love that episode.
 * SpongeBob: Oh, me too, me too.
 * Man Ray: I'll never get out of here wearing this belt. [chuckles] I... I need an evil plan that will trick them to take it off me. [chuckles again] Time for those acting lessons to pay off.
 * SpongeBob: Remember that part Mermaid Man and Barnacle...
 * Man Ray: Oh, sob! Oh, cry. [opens and closes his eyes] Oh, woe is me. You don't know what it's like being evil for so long. Oh, how I wish to be... good. If only some kind heroes would show me the path to decency. [SpongeBob and Patrick gasp]
 * SpongeBob: We could teach you how to be good and then we'll let you go.
 * Man Ray: [turns around] Ahh, that would be fantastic! [chuckles] I'll fake my way through this just like I did in high school.
 * [laughs]
 * SpongeBob: Okay, Man Ray. Are you ready first day at goodness school? [Man Ray puts an apple on his desk] Pat, get your wallet out. [Patrick gets his wallet out his pocket] Okay, goodness lesson number one. You see someone drop their wallet. Patrick, drop the wallet. [Patrick tosses it on the ground] Now, what do you do?
 * Man Ray: Excuse me, sir, but I do believe you've dropped your wallet.
 * Patrick: Doesn't look familiar to me.
 * Man Ray: What? I just saw you drop it. Here.
 * Patrick: Nope, it's not mine.
 * Man Ray: It is yours. I am trying to be a good person and return it to you.
 * Patrick: Return what to who?
 * Man Ray: [facepalms, then shows Patrick his ID] Aren't you, Patrick Star?
 * Patrick: Yup.
 * Man Ray: And this is your ID.
 * Patrick: Yup.
 * Man Ray: I found this ID in this wallet. And if that's the case, this must be your wallet.
 * Patrick: That makes sense to me.
 * Man Ray: Then take it.
 * Patrick: It's not my wallet.
 * Man Ray: [in anger and frustration] YOU DIM-BULB! TAKE BACK YOUR WALLET OR I'LL RIP YOUR ARMS OFF! [SpongeBob pushes tickle button and Man Ray laughs]
 * SpongeBob: Nuh. Wrong. [SpongeBob pushes button] Good people don't rip each others arms off! [Man Ray chuckles] Okay, goodness lesson number two. You see someone struggle with a heavy package. What do you do?
 * Man Ray: Hello, friend. I noticed you were struggling with that package. Would you like some help? [Patrick drops package on Man Ray's foot] Ow!
 * Patrick: Oops, sorry. Can I start over?
 * Man Ray: I noticed that... [Patrick drops package again] Ow!
 * Patrick: Oops. Gotta start again. [Patrick drops package again]
 * Man Ray: Could, Ow!
 * Patrick: Oops!
 * Man Ray: You butter-fingered pink thing! What's in that box anyhow?
 * Patrick: My wallets.
 * Man Ray: [in rage] Arghh! [Man Ray grabs Patrick head and slams him into the ground a lot]
 * Patrick: No! SpongeBob, tickle him! [SpongeBob pushes the tickle button but ManRay keeps slamming Patrick into the ground]
 * Man Ray: It tickles but it's worth it.
 * SpongeBob: Alright, goodness lesson number three. [Patrick is shown being severely damaged] Uhh, let's see. [Patrick grabs the remote]
 * Patrick: I've got one. I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 100. What is it?
 * Man Ray: Umm... 62?
 * Patrick: Wrong! [pushes button]
 * Man Ray: Haha. Stop.
 * SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, that's got nothing to do with being good.
 * Patrick: Let go of it, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: Pat, we've got to use it only when he's bad.
 * Patrick: Let go!
 * SpongeBob: No, you let go!
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: Let go! [remote breaks and the belt goes hay-wire]
 * Man Ray: Frequency rising. Bel- Belt out of control. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Belt on too hard. [he continues to laugh] It's tickling my DNA. Make it stop! [tears come out as he laughs] Haha. PLEASE!
 * SpongeBob: Did you hear that, Patrick? He said the P word.
 * Patrick: Peanuts?
 * SpongeBob: No. Please.
 * Patrick: Well, that's good enough for me. I guess he's reconstituted.
 * SpongeBob: Rehabilitated.
 * Patrick: Gesundheit.
 * SpongeBob: It's graduation day, Man Ray. This is the key to your future. [unlocks the belt, then the tickling stops] Just look at him, Patrick. The picture of goodness. [Man Ray takes the Aqua-Glove off the wall of weapons] Umm, we're not supposed to touch that stuff. [Man Ray put the glove on his hand and activates it] We're not supposed to touch it that way, either. [Man Ray grabs the Cosmic-Ray and attaches it on the Aqua-Glove] We are really not suppose to touch those, sir. [He aims the weapon at SpongeBob and Patrick] good people have no use for weapons such as... [Man Ray zaps them into dust] THOOOOOOOOOOSE!
 * Man Ray: [laughs] The only thing I'm good at is being evil. [door opens and Man Ray runs] So long, suckers.
 * Patrick: What's that smell, SpongeBob?
 * SpongeBob: That, Patrick, is the smell of defeat.
 * Patrick: Good, I thought it was my skin.
 * SpongeBob: Forget about your skin, Patrick. Man Ray is still bad and someone has to stop him. This is a job for Mermaid Man...
 * Patrick: ...and Barnacle Boy! [both slide down pole and get their costumes on]
 * SpongeBob: To the Invisible Boat Mobile. [both stop in the invisible boat]
 * Patrick: Ignition, on!
 * SpongeBob: Wait! I don't have a license.
 * Patrick: Well, this is an invisible boat, right? So, you need an invisible license. [shapes hand into a rectangle]
 * SpongeBob: You're the best sidekick ever, Barnacle boy. [boats drives through the wall and into a street light]
 * Patrick: Thank goodness for invisible seat belts.
 * Man Ray: Out of my way, fools. You no longer have control of me. And now this town belongs to, ManRay!
 * SpongeBob: Not so fast, arch-villain. We still have the orb of confusion. [Patrick takes out the Orb of Confusion] Take this! [turns it on and gets all confused] Doy. Duh.
 * Man Ray: Well, that was easy. [heads to the bank where he kicks in the door] Hahaha. All right, people! Everybody stand right where you are.
 * [citizens gasp]
 * Man Ray: I want you to, uh... [Man Ray chuckles, so everyone else chuckles, too] No! No! Stop giggling or I'll have to... [chuckles again, so everyone else is still chuckling] Stop laughing, you fools.
 * Bank Lady: What can I do for you, sir?
 * Man Ray: Well, I'll tell you what you can do. [points glove at the lady] Gimme all of your... [Man Ray chuckles again] G-gimme, gimme all of your... [Man Ray is still chuckling] Give me... [he chuckles so much he realizes what's going on] Ahh! The belt is gone but I still feel it's tickle. The urge to do bad is gone. [groans] I guess I'll just open a checking account. [Man Ray returns to Sponge Bob and Patrick and turns the orb of confusion off]
 * SpongeBob: Doy. [gasps] Man-Ray!
 * Man Ray: No need to be alarmed, SpongeBob. You're teachings have transformed me. Besides, I have checks... with little poodles on them! [Man Ray takes his head off and gives it to SpongeBob] I won't be needing this anymore. Farewell, fellow do-gooder. [walks off]
 * SpongeBob: Bye, Man Ray! Wow. We did it! Just like the real Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. We saved the day. Isn't it incredible, Patrick! Patrick?
 * Patrick: Uhh... [still has a confused look on his face]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, you know that thing's turned off, right? Patrick? Yoo-hoo? Patrick?!

Big Pink Loser

 * Narrator: Welcome to Bikini Bottom, where can be found some of the finest specimens of undersea life. [chuckles] Well, you know. [Patrick is sleeping and the mailfish walks by and puts a box in his open mouth as he is yawning and waking up, he grabs it and quickly opens it, and it turns out to be a shiny, gold trophy]
 * Patrick: An award? I never got an award before! Eeeee! Look rock, I got an award. [arrow on top of rock breaks] Jellyfish, I got an award. [jellyfish zap him and he jumps up above the surface] Island, I got an awar... [chokes for air and floats back down] I gotta show SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: [building a house of cards looking like Gary]Hold still, Gary.
 * Gary: Meow.
 * SpongeBob: Almost done. [Patrick smashes through the wall and cards fall on the floor. Gary flies away]
 * Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, guess what? I got an award.[SpongeBob falls down to the floor]
 * SpongeBob: That's great, Patrick. What's it for?
 * Patrick: See for yourself.
 * SpongeBob: [his body is facedown but his face come out and reads the award] "For Outstanding Achievement In Achievement: SpongeBob SquarePants?"
 * Patrick: SpongeBob SquarePants? That's a funny way to spell my name.
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must've got it by mistake.
 * Patrick: But, it's shiny. [SpongeBob takes the trophy]
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, but you know what else is shiny?
 * Patrick: Ice cream!
 * SpongeBob: Exactly!
 * Patrick: I can find it. Is it in here?
 * SpongeBob: No, don't! That's my... [Patrick opens the door and a bunch of awards pile out of SpongeBob's closet] ...award closet.
 * Patrick: I want an award. [starts to cry]
 * SpongeBob: [SpongeBob with two 1st place ribbons in his eyes] Aww, Patrick, don't cry.
 * [Patrick starts sobbing loudly going away from the awards]
 * SpongeBob: You'll get an award one day.
 * Patrick: I'm never gonna get an award because I haven't done anything.
 * SpongeBob: But you're Patrick... [jumps on Patrick and his eyes turn into stars] Star. You can do anything you want.
 * Patrick: That's easy for you to say. You're SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, if you wanna win an award, you have to do something.
 * Patrick: Hmmm...I wanna defeat the giant monkeyman and save the 9th dimension!
 * SpongeBob: Me too! But that sounds a little hard. Why don't we start smaller?
 * Patrick: I wanna defeat the little monkeyman and save the 8th dimension!
 * SpongeBob: Smaller. [shrinks]
 * Patrick: Doctor?
 * SpongeBob: Smaller. [shrinks more]
 * Patrick: Fireman?
 * SpongeBob: [In a tiny voice] The smallest you can think of. [shrinks even more]
 * Patrick: A job at the Krusty Krab?
 * SpongeBob: [normal voice] Yeah! [grows to normal size] I do things at work all the time.
 * Patrick: Then let's go. [Patrick runs off, pulling off SpongeBob's arm]
 * Patrick: Boy, it sure was nice of Mr. Krabs to give me a job.
 * SpongeBob: And at 50 dollars an hour, too. When I started working here, I had to pay Mr. Krabs 100 dollars an hour. Hey, Squidward, guess who just got a job?
 * Squidward: Guess who just quit? [puts his hat on Patrick's head and then leaves]
 * Patrick: Do I get my award yet?
 * SpongeBob: You have to work for it, remember?
 * Patrick: Tartar sauce. [SpongeBob flipping patties]
 * SpongeBob: [SpongeBob places the order in the window] Pick up order! [Patrick comes and eats the order]
 * Patrick: Do I get my award, now?
 * SpongeBob: No, you have to take the tray to the customer.
 * Patrick: Ok. [tray gets to table but with no food. Patrick burps]
 * SpongeBob: Almost. Try again and this time make sure the food gets to the table. [Patrick arrives with food on tray but then eats it as he sits down]
 * Patrick: Like that?
 * SpongeBob: Nope.
 * Patrick: [spits out food at the customer as he talks] Barnacles!
 * SpongeBob: Let's try something different.
 * SpongeBob: All you have to do is answer the phone.
 * Patrick: Aye aye, Captain! [phone rings]
 * Guy on Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
 * Patrick: No, this is Patrick. [hangs up and starts whistling. phone rings again]
 * Girl on Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
 * Patrick: [annoyed] No! This is Patrick! [hangs up and continues to whistle. phone rings, yet again]
 * Another Guy on Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
 * Patrick: [infuriated] No! This is Patrick! [puts phone down and folds his arms] I'm not a Krusty Krab.
 * SpongeBob: Uhh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.
 * Patrick: Huh? Oh, Fishpaste!
 * SpongeBob: It looks a little dusty around Table 3. How about you sweep it out? [hands Patrick a broom]
 * Patrick: What's the point? I can't do anything right.
 * SpongeBob: You'll do fine. [Patrick sweeps with the top side of the broom instead of the bottom]
 * Nat: [approaches Patrick] Hey pal. You just blow in from Stupidtown? [continues drinking]
 * SpongeBob: Keep trying, Patrick.
 * Delivery Guy: I've got a load of awards for SpongeBob SquarePants. [Patrick becomes furious and sweeps harder]
 * Patrick: Why can't I do anything right?! [bangs the bottom of the broom on the floor making dust rise all over the Krusty Krab's dining area, which makes the nearby customers start coughing]
 * SpongeBob: [pushing Patrick] Kitchen!
 * Patrick: [throws the broom to the floor] I'm never gonna get an award, now.
 * SpongeBob: Don't give up, Patrick. This time I've got something I know you can do. We're gonna open a jar. [gets a jar and opens the lid] Easy. Now you try. First get a jar. [Patrick gets out a pickle] Patrick, that's a pickle.
 * Patrick: Yes.
 * SpongeBob: You need a jar. [Patrick picks up a spatula] No. [Patrick picks up his pants] No. [Patrick picks up SpongeBob] No. Try...this! [gives Patrick a jar] Now take the lid off the jar. [puts the lid in his mouth] Just relax. Lift your hand. [Patrick lifts his hand] Great! We're almost there. Now put it on the lid. [puts his hand on counter] No, the lid. [slides his hand to the corner of the counter] [Patrick tries for the lid over and over as SpongeBob keeps telling him "the lid", Patrick pants due to exhaustion. Few seconds later, Patrick is almost there] Freeze!! [hand is on the side of the jar] Almost there. Now head for the lid. [hand goes lower] Cold. [hand goes higher] Warmer. [hand goes higher] Warmer. [hand goes higher] Warmer. You're hot. You're on fire!
 * Patrick: Ow, it burns!
 * SpongeBob: Ok, ok. Wait, wait. Do exactly as I do. [takes it off again] Exactly as I do. [takes it off again]Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.
 * Patrick: Exactly as you do. [takes lid off jar, then starts to cry] Oh, no, I broke it!
 * SpongeBob: No, no, Patrick, you did it!
 * Patrick: I did? [both cheer as Patrick throws the jar into the floor] Touchdown! I'm jarmaster!
 * SpongeBob: That was great, Patrick! You really got the hang of it.
 * Patrick: Yeah. Remember when I had my hand up? And I put it on the lid?
 * SpongeBob: Oh, yeah.
 * Patrick: Then I took the lid off and I thought I broke it.
 * SpongeBob: [laughs] Yeah.
 * Patrick: But I didn't. I opened the jar with my hand. And it was all because you showed me how to do it. I'm never gonna forget this.
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, you do exactly what I do and you'll have an award in no time. [night becomes day in SpongeBob's house then clam crows everyone up] I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. [notices Patrick dressed up like him]
 * Patrick: Good morning, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: Wow. It's amazing how a simple change of clothes can make a guy look...just...like...me.
 * Patrick: Yup. If I'm gonna be an award winner, I've gotta dress like one.
 * SpongeBob: That's creepy...but flattering! I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready... [Patrick copies SpongeBob then SpongeBob stops] Huh?
 * SpongeBob: Well, back to the ol' grind.
 * Patrick: Well, back to the ol' grind.
 * SpongeBob: Forget my hat.
 * Patrick: Uh, me, too.
 * SpongeBob: [SpongeBob mops the floor then puts the mop up. Patrick mops the floor but he makes the floor wet. SpongeBob comes out with a handful of plates and slips and breaks them all. Patrick follows in SpongeBob's footsteps. SpongeBob glares at him]
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: [at the grill, frying patties, both whistle a tune, then stop, they both wipe their foreheads] Whew! [SpongeBob drops his spatula]
 * SpongeBob: [laughs] Dropped my spatula. [bends down to pick it up]
 * Patrick: Uhh, me, too. [drops spatula and bends down to pick it up. SpongeBob takes off his hat, then Patrick takes off his, they both put their hats back on. Then they both put their hands on the grill. Patrick's hand burns after a few seconds] Ow!
 * SpongeBob: A-ha! [shows the fake hand] You're copying me!
 * Patrick: Yes.
 * SpongeBob: Why are you doing that?
 * Patrick: So I can win an award like you.
 * SpongeBob: Well, it's annoying, so stop it!
 * Patrick: Stop it. [both imitate the others facial expressions]
 * SpongeBob: Say, you're good.
 * Patrick: Thanks.
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: Ha! Darn. [both look at each other with suspicion, while rubbing their chin] Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as...pickled fish lips!! [both cover their mouth] Sea weavle. Gorgy smorgy.
 * SpongeBob: [in his mind] At least I'm safe inside my mind.
 * Patrick: [in his mind] At least I'm safe inside my mind.
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: [screaming]
 * SpongeBob: [he and Patrick run out of the Krusty Krab] Stop copying me!
 * Patrick: There's no award for that.
 * Squidward: [leaning against the Krusty Krab sign pole, reading a newspaper, a Krusty Krab hat falls near him] Well, I guess it's safe to go in now. [puts hat back on and walks back in]
 * SpongeBob: [he and Patrick are still running] Patrick, how long are you gonna keep this up?
 * Patrick: Until I have as many awards as you.
 * SpongeBob: We'll see about that!
 * Patrick: No, we won't.
 * SpongeBob: [takes out a jump-rope] I'm the jump-rope champion of Bikini Bottom.
 * Patrick: Me, too. [takes out a jump-rope]
 * SpongeBob: Oh, yeah? I call this one: The Slice N' Dice. [crosses arms and jump-ropes while Patrick tries to imitate but ties himself up with his rope] Ha! Not a scratch on me. [body breaks down into pieces]
 * Patrick: Oh, no, you don't! [squeezes the rope on himself breaking his body down into smaller pieces. Then both hit a hammer on their heads]
 * SpongeBob: Not much fun being me, now, huh Patrick?
 * Patrick: Are you kidding? I used to do this way before I started copying you. [SpongeBob stops hammering his head but Patrick does not notice. Patrick hits himself faster and too hard, he stops and gets dizzy, trophies appear and spin around his head, and falls on the ground. SpongeBob runs into Patrick's rock painted as SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob gets angry and steam comes out of his head]
 * Patrick: My turn! [runs into the pineapple rock]
 * SpongeBob: [runs into his house] I wish I had the old Patrick back, but he just wants to be like me. [pushes his nose into his face and comes out of his house dressed in Patrick's normal outfit] Hi, I'm Patrick Star. I'm the laziest, pinkest starfish in Bikini Bottom and I wish I were me and not SpongeBob.
 * Patrick: What's so great about being a Big Pink Loser? [SpongeBob's nose pops back out] Exactly. I was never closer to an award then the minute I started copying you.
 * SpongeBob: But, Patrick...
 * Patrick: Patrick's not here!
 * Delivery Guy: [stops in front of SpongeBob and Patrick in truck] Trophy delivery! [he drives off and Spongebob has a package in his mouth]
 * SpongeBob: Another trophy?
 * Patrick: Oh, great! [SpongeBob opens the package] What's it for THIS time?
 * SpongeBob: 'For Doing Absolutely Nothing Longer Than Anyone Else'.
 * Patrick! This trophy's for you!
 * Patrick: Yay! [puts trophy on head like a hat] Eee! [both rip off their present outfit to reveal their own normal outfits.]
 * SpongeBob: So, what are you gonna do, now?
 * Patrick: I'm gonna go protect my title. [jumps on his rock and falls asleep, the rock closes]
 * Narrator: So you thought I was kidding, huh? No, in Bikini Bottom, excellence can be found, even under a rock.

Opposite Day

 * [Squidward is sleeping and hears noise. He awakens, revealing SpongeBob and Patrick under his blanket with a sign that reads "happy birthday"]
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: Surprise! Happy birthday, Squidward! [all 3 standing in front of a cake] Happy happy birthday! Happy birthday cake! [standing in front of a picture of a seahorse and Squidward has the tail] Happy happy birthday! Pin the tail on the seahorse! [surrounded by presents] Happy happy birthday! Happy birthday Squidward! [SpongeBob and Patrick run out of Squidward's house]
 * SpongeBob: Yeah! So long Squidward, bye-bye, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
 * Patrick: Another year older. [laughs]
 * Squidward: It's not my birthday! [shuts door and takes off party hat] That's it! I'm moving out of this neighborhood!
 * Realtor Lady: [looking at a picture of Squidward's house] Absolutely, Mr. Tentacles! [showing the Realtor lady as Patty Rechid from Bikini Realty on phone] I can sell your home in a heartbeat.
 * Squidward: Oh that's great news, because I want to move as soon as possible.
 * Patty: No problem! As long as it's not infested with nematodes, or surrounded by troublesome neighbors or something like that.
 * Squidward: Oh sure, there's none of that... Did you say "neighbors?"
 * Patty: Of course! I can't tell you how many times I've seen a sale fall through because of bad neighbors.
 * Squidward: Neighbors. Uhh...
 * Patty: Anyway, I'll be by tomorrow to check out the house. See you then! [both hang up]
 * Squidward: SpongeBob! No one will ever buy my house with him living next door! Whatever a good neighbor would do, he does the opposite! Opposite... opposite... [Later, SpongeBob is sleeping but is awaken from Squidward's instrument playing outside]
 * SpongeBob: Umm, Squidward, why are you playing that drum? [Squidward stops playing]
 * Squidward: Drum? What drum? [puts the drum on the ground and punches a hole in it] This is just my wig case! See? [puts on the wig, kicks the drum out of the way and frolics around] Come on SpongeBob, tackle me!
 * SpongeBob: Squidward! You need bed rest! [pushes Squidward to his house as Squidward is blowing bubbles] I'll keep you safe until you're well again.
 * Squidward: Oh, I get it. You don't know what day it is, do you?
 * SpongeBob: Uhh, Wednesday?
 * Squidward: Why, it's Opposite Day! [SpongeBob is confused] You mean you've never heard of it? Boy, have you been missing out! Opposite Day is the one day of the year when you get to act different! Normally I'm stuffy, boring, but today I'm silly and spontaneous!
 * SpongeBob: Does everybody know about Opposite Day?
 * Squidward: Oh sure! It's a game! Get it?
 * SpongeBob: Oh, a game.
 * Squidward: Yeah! Normally, you're really loud and annoying, so what are you going to be today?
 * SpongeBob: Quiet and out of the way! Yay!
 * Squidward: Yeah! Why don't you get a jump on it.
 * SpongeBob: I love... I mean, I hate Opposite Day. [giggles as he runs back into his pineapple] I'm not ready!
 * Squidward: So long, chum. [takes off wig] And goodbye, Bikini Bottom.
 * SpongeBob: [running to Gary] Gary! It's Opposite Day and I... [stops running] ...walk, don't run. And I'm gonna... opposite... opposite... I'm just gonna crawl into bed and do nothing all day. [crawls into bed] Too bad it only comes once a year, huh Gary?
 * Gary: Meow!
 * SpongeBob: Gary, wheres your holiday spirit?
 * Gary: [barks like a dog]
 * SpongeBob: [doorbell rings] Company! I hate company. Who's there?
 * Patrick: It's Patrick!
 * SpongeBob: Patrick... go away! I never want to see you again! [giggles but Patrick cries]
 * Patrick: [sobbing] SpongeBob doesn't like me anymore!
 * SpongeBob: [opens door] That's right! You're my worst enemy! [Patrick falls to the ground, bawling]Patrick, you're not really not my friend. It's just Opposite Day!
 * Patrick: Opposite Day? Hey, I've heard of that!
 * SpongeBob: You have?
 * Patrick: No! What is it?
 * SpongeBob: Well, whatever you normally do, today you do the opposite.
 * Patrick: Oh! Let me try! Let me try! [Patrick holds his breath and turns purple]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick, breathe! [He takes a deep breath in and pants] Not that opposite. Let me show you how to do it the wrong way!
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick dance across the screen as SpongeBob is pink and Patrick is yellow. Gary eats properly from a table]
 * SpongeBob: [eats from Gary's bowl] Meow.
 * Patrick: [sitting on newspapers] Meow.
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick both blow a bubble, but they blow themselves into bubbles, instead. Patrick pops]
 * SpongeBob: Kcirtap yeh. [forwards: Hey Patrick.]
 * Patrick: Pu evig i. [forwards: I give up.]
 * SpongeBob: Edis etisoppo eht ot teg ot. [forwards: To get to the opposite side.]
 * [Both laugh in reverse. Cut back to house]
 * SpongeBob: Say, want to help me do some work around the house, worst enemy?
 * Patrick: Nope. [He smiles, both laugh]
 * Squidward: Nearly noon and not a peep from SpongeBob! [packing his belongings into boxes] I'm almost sorry I'm leaving! [laughs] Opposite Day. [hears noises from outside] SpongeBob, what are you... [screams as he sees both SpongeBob and Patrick destroying SpongeBob's pineapple]
 * SpongeBob: Hello, Squidward! Oops. I mean, goodbye, Squidward! Aww, isn't Opposite Day... [giggles] ...terrible? [laughs]
 * Squidward: I'll tell you what's terrible! Living next to you! You're the worst neighbor in history!
 * SpongeBob: Wow! That's the nicest thing Squidward has ever said to me! [Squidward smacks his forehead]
 * Squidward: [panicked] If the real estate agent sees that mess, I'll never sell this house! [SpongeBob and Patrick look at the destroyed pineapple]
 * Patrick: Isn't it beautiful?
 * SpongeBob: On Opposite Day it is. [Squidward drives up with a bulldozer]
 * Squidward: Out of the way, SpongeBob! [Squidward begins to rebuild the pineapple]
 * SpongeBob: I don't get it. I made my house a mess, which was making it clean, which made Squidward clean my yard, [Sponge wraps his arms around himself repeatedly] but that really means he's messing it up. [Patrick is drooling] But the opposite of clean is filth, which means filth is clean, that means Squidward is really making my yard a wreck, but I normally wreck my own yard which means, [Gary meows] Squidward is being the opposite of Squidward which means he's SpongeBob! [SpongeBob wrapped his arms around himself] A-ha! I understand everything now! I must be the opposite of SpongeBob! By being... [stretches his nose out and puts his belt around the middle of his head to resemble Squidward's head and talks like Squidward] Squidward!
 * Patrick: Hey! I wanna be opposite too! [SpongeBob thinks then snaps his fingers. He takes a piece of coral and puts it below Patrick's eyes where his nose would be] Yeah! Finally! Yoo-hoo! [dances] I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward, Squidward.
 * SpongeBob: Wait! It's not enough to look like Squidward to be opposite... [talking like Squidward] ...you have to act like him, too. Boy, oh boy, do I like playing the clarinet. I practice and practice all day long but I never get any better. [normal voice again] Now you try.
 * Patrick: OK. [takes a deep breath and continues dancing] I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward, Squidward. [SpongeBob dances along with Patrick]
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: I'm Squidward. I'm Squidward. I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward.
 * SpongeBob: [opens door for Patrick] After you, Mr. Squidward.
 * Patrick: Why, thank you, Mr. Squidward. [walks in]
 * SpongeBob: You're quite welcome, Mr. Squidward. [walks in and shuts door]
 * Squidward: [still rebuilding SpongeBob's pineapple] Oh, Opposite Day. Next time, it's going to be "Go Jump Off A Cliff Day!" [as he is building, Patty Rechid drives up]
 * Patty: Oh my! The house is even more beautiful in person! [walks up to the front door, knocks on the door. SpongeBob opens it] Hello Mr... [looks down] Uh... Mr. Tentacles?
 * SpongeBob: [talking like Squidward] Yes, please come in.
 * Patty: It's funny, I pictured you being much taller.
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, everyone says that.
 * Patty: Now if you want the sale to go through, you've got to tell me all the positive things about your house.
 * SpongeBob: [normal voice] Positive things! Opposite Day... [talking like Squidward] I'd love to. The floor creaks, the roof leaks, there's a terrible draft.
 * Patty: Uhh... well, you didn't mention that on the phone.
 * SpongeBob: Please, let me finish. The winters are harsh, the summers are brutal. There's a wild man-eating clam in the backyard! [Patty looks at him, shocked] Now, would you care to see the rest of my home?
 * Patty: Well, umm, I'm not sure if I'm interested...
 * SpongeBob: Nonsense! I won't take no for an answer. [laughs then stops] Please follow me. [both walk into Squidward's art room] And here's the worst room in the house. My gallery.
 * Patty: [looks at painting of Squidward] Oh my, this painting is very nice. [Patrick bursts through the painting]
 * Patrick: Thank you! [Patty screams and leaps up to the ceiling, hanging onto a beam]
 * Patty: Who's that?!
 * SpongeBob: I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Squidward.
 * Patty: You're both Squidward?
 * SpongeBob: I'm Squidward, he's Squidward.
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: We're both Squidward.
 * Squidward: Well, that's done. At least SpongeBob has been quiet. [sees Patty's boat and screams] NO! [SpongeBob plays Squidward's clarinet badly for Patty]
 * Patty: Okay, I really don't want to hear another one.
 * SpongeBob: Okay. [plays more]
 * Patty: I really don't want to hear more, thank you.
 * SpongeBob: I hear you loud and clear. [plays more]
 * Squidward: [bursts in] Stop! Get away from her! Oh oh, I am so sorry, Ma'am, I hope these two barnacle heads! haven't harmed you in any way.
 * Patty: Who are you?
 * Squidward: Why, I'm Squidward! [SpongeBob and Patrick pop up in the background. Patty's face slowly turns angry]
 * Patty: [stands up from chair] What kind of fool do you take me for?! He's Squidward, he's Squidward, you're Squidward?! I'm Squidward! Are there any other Squidwards I should know about?
 * Gary: [with a pickle on his face. Imitates Squidward's voice] Meow.
 * Patty: [shocked then angry] I'm outta here. [she walks away]
 * Squidward: Ma'am, please! What about my house?!
 * Patty: I wouldn't sell a house for you if you were the last Squidward on earth! [walks out of the house]
 * Squidward: Wait!
 * SpongeBob: Don't...
 * Patrick: ...Go!
 * Squidward: [screams, runs out, and holds onto her leg, dragging him, as she is leaving] No, no, no, no, no!
 * Patty: Stop! Stop!
 * Squidward: Please, sell my house!
 * Patty: Never! [releases her leg, gets in boat]
 * Squidward: Don't leave me here! [crying. Patty drives off]
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: [happily walk up to Squidward] Happy Opposite Day, Squidward! We hate you! [Squidward seethes with fury, then gets an idea]
 * Squidward: Let me show you guys how much I... hate you! [Squidward drives up with the bulldozer chasing SpongeBob and Patrick, they both scream and run away]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, do you ever get the feeling that Squidward likes us too much?
 * Squidward: [angry, still chasing them] Happy Opposite Day! [chases them down the street and laughs evilly]

Squirrel Jokes

 * [Lights are circling outside the Krusty Krab. Inside, there is a sign hanging from the ceiling that says 'Komedy Krab']
 * Mr. Krabs: Okay, everybody settle down. Welcome [pauses] to the Komedy Krab! [Puts an arrow on his eyes. Everyone laughs] Now please give a warm welcome to our first comic, the indiscernible Dougie Williams. [Dougie walks onto the stage as Mr. Krabs walks out]
 * Dougie Williams: Good evening, folks. I'm going to skip the jokes and get right to the part where I throw pies at you. [Pulls out a cart of pies. The crowd takes out their umbrellas. SpongeBob opens the curtain from behind and gets splattered with pie]
 * SpongeBob: [Laughs] I hope I do as good as that guy.
 * Dougie Williams: [Backstage] Man, those people will laugh at anything. Hey, don't sweat it kid, I got them all worked up for you.
 * Mr. Krabs: Put your fins together for SpongeBob SquarePants. [SpongeBob walks out with a bow tie on]
 * Sandy: Go get 'em, SpongeBob!
 * Patrick: [Sitting at a table with Sandy] Whoo-hoo! [SpongeBob gives them a thumbs-up]
 * SpongeBob: Hey, hey, hey ladies and jellyfish, have you ever noticed salt shakers? I mean, you fill them up every night at closing, and I mean, where does it all go? Huh? You know what I mean?
 * [No one laughs. A cricket is heard chirping. Cut to a live-action clip of a cricket chirping.]
 * SpongeBob: And tomatoes -- what's the deal on those things? [Chuckles weakly. Crowd is still silent] I mean, you chop them up into slices, but... [Cut again to the cricket, who is no longer chirping.] What are they, vegetables or... fruit? And what does that make? Ketchup? [Chuckles weakly]
 * Fish #1: Oh, brother, this guy STINKS!
 * Harold: Hey, hey funny guy! I've got a joke for you! What smells rotten and puts people to sleep?
 * SpongeBob: Umm, noxious gas?
 * Harold: No! Your act! [Everyone laughs]
 * SpongeBob: Did you ever notice how, uhh... [Notices a fork on a table] ...forks, uhh...
 * Fish #3: Forks?! Come on! [Crowd is booing]
 * SpongeBob: [Thinking] Quick, SpongeBob, make a witty observation! [Looks around for material then notices Sandy's teeth] Did you ever notice how big squirrels' teeth are? [Crowd chuckles]
 * Fish: That's true.
 * Sandy: Huh?
 * SpongeBob: I mean, hey, you could land a plane on those things. [Crowd laughs more] And what's up with all that squirrel fur? I guess fleas need a home too. [Crowd laughs loud]
 * Patrick: [Laughing] Squirrel fur!
 * SpongeBob: And they smell! But hey, you'd stink too if you spent three months buried in dirt. [Crowd laughs] Hey, why does it take more than one squirrel to change a light bulb?
 * Fish #2: Why?
 * SpongeBob: Because, they're so darn stupid! [Crowd laughs]
 * Patrick: That's a good one, huh, Sandy?
 * Sandy: Uhh, y-yeah... [SpongeBob walks behind the curtain where Mr. Krabs is waiting for him]
 * Mr. Krabs: That was fantastic, boy. You really knocked them out! I think I'll do this joke night thing again with you as the head-liner!
 * SpongeBob: I never thought I could be a head-liner! Whatever that is.
 * Mr. Krabs: The headliner's the one who cleans up after the show. [Hands SpongeBob a mop]
 * SpongeBob: At least I don't have to clean up my act! [Laughs]
 * Mr. Krabs: Stick with the squirrel jokes, boy. Now get busy. [Walks off]
 * SpongeBob: Mops, mops, mops, what's up with those things? I mean, really. [Walks up to Sandy] Oh hey, Sandy!
 * Sandy: Howdy, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: Did you enjoy the show?
 * Sandy: Well, ac-actually SpongeBob, n-no. Those jokes are hurtful and you know it.
 * SpongeBob: Come on Sandy, I was just joking. I mean, everybody knows that you're the smartest one in Bikini Bottom.
 * Sandy: Well, I can't argue with that.
 * SpongeBob: We all gotta laugh at ourselves once in a while. I do it all the time! [Holds up a mirror and laughs excessively into it. Sandy chuckles]
 * Sandy: You're right, SpongeBob. I was being a little too sensitive. [Both hug] No hard feelings. [Scene cuts to Sandy at Barg'N-Mart] Okay, deodorant. Huh, let's see. Roll-on or stick? [Fred and Nancy walk by]
 * Fred: I think she should buy both. [Laughs]
 * Sandy: Huh?
 * Scooter: Hey look guys! [Seen with Lloyd and Eddy] It's the stupid squirrel!
 * Lloyd: I know, let's try to communicate with it.
 * All: Duh... [Making funny faces then walk off laughing]
 * Sandy: Hmph! [Throws the deodorant into the cart then walks up to a little kid] Hello, little critter! What's your name?
 * Mable: [Grabs her child] Don't stand too close to a squirrel, Billy. You'll catch its stupid. [Walks off]
 * Billy: Okay, mom.
 * Sandy: Stupidity isn't autism, but it sure is spreading like it. [Scene cuts to the Komedy Krab where everyone is chanting for SpongeBob. SpongeBob is sitting at a desk preparing for his act]
 * SpongeBob: La-la-la-la-la-la. Squirrely, squirrely, squirrely, squirrel. Because they're stupid. Because they're stupid.
 * Sandy: Hey, uhh, SpongeBob?
 * SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Sandy.
 * Sandy: Umm, I need to talk to you about them squirrel jokes.
 * SpongeBob: We already talked about that, remember? [Looks in a mirror and laughs]
 * Sandy: SpongeBob, this is serious. Since you've been telling them jokes, people have been treating me different. [Patrick walks backstage]
 * Patrick: SpongeBob, five minutes. [Notices Sandy then talks slowly] Hel-lo... Sandy. Me Patrick. Do you un-der-stand? [Sandy looks away] Squirrels. [Walks off]
 * Sandy: Y-y-you see? That's what I'm talking about!
 * SpongeBob: Ah, that's just Patrick. He's just fooling around.
 * Sandy: I'm just asking you as a friend, please lay off them squirrel jokes, OK? Tell some of them other jokes you got.
 * SpongeBob: [Nervously] Other jokes? [Imagines the fork joke] Bah! I got a million of them.
 * Sandy: [Hugs SpongeBob] Thanks SpongeBob, I knew you'd understand. [Walks to her seat. The crowd is still chanting for SpongeBob]
 * Mr. Krabs: Put your fins together for SpongeBob SquarePants. [In deleted scene, he says "Put your fins together, fishes, for SpongeBob SquarePants again." Everyone cheers as SpongeBob walks out]
 * SpongeBob: Uhh, hi. [Chuckles nervously] Uhh, did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt? Now he's a bronze fish. [Crowd is confused] I guess you heard that one.
 * Sandy: I haven't heard it! Good one, SpongeBob!
 * SpongeBob: Thank you, you're too kind. Hey, what about this water! I mean, the stuff's everywhere.
 * Patrick: Tell the one about the squirrel and the light bulbs.
 * SpongeBob: Uhh, hey, what about this thing! [takes out a big rubber chicken] Huh? Huh?
 * Fish #5: Get on with the squirrel jokes! [Crowd chants for squirrel jokes]
 * SpongeBob: [thinking] What do I do? Who do I do? SpongeBob, you've got a choice to make: [Looks at Sandy] your friends [Looks at his microphone] or your career.
 * [After a beat, he drops the microphone and everyone gasps. He walks backstage then, after a beat, jumps back on stage with hillbilly teeth]
 * SpongeBob: HOWDY, Y'ALL! [Crowd cheers loudly] How come it takes more than one squirrel to screw in a light bulb?
 * All: Because they're so darn stupid!
 * SpongeBob: [Laughs as he walks around tooting a bicycle horn] My people! [Sandy gets angry] But seriously folks, I want to give a special thanks to my friend, Sandy. [Spotlight on Sandy as the two women around her giggle] Sandy, don't you see? The crowd loves these jokes. [to audience] Am I right? [Crowd cheers; to Sandy] Don't you see, Sandy? We're laughing with you, not at you! Do you understand now, Sandy? Huh, do you?
 * Sandy: [deadpan] I understand everything that's going on, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: Great. I knew sooner or later you'd get it. What a great sport. [to audience] Let's give a big hand for Sandy! But clap slow, because remember... SHE'S A SQUIRREL! [Crowd is cheering their loudest] Thank you! You've been a wonderful audience, and uhh, good night! [Walks backstage] Ah... another spectacular performance, SpongeBob. [Sees a note taped to his mirror] Oh, what's this, a fan letter? [Reads it]
 * Sandy: [voiceover] You were right SpongeBob! Those jokes are funny! Come on over to the Treedome tomorrow and celebrate, Sandy.
 * SpongeBob: You did it SpongeBob. You get to keep your career and your friends. [Scene cuts to SpongeBob walking up to the Treedome with his water helmet on and flowers in his hands. He knocks on the door as the water empties from the Treedome] I'm glad that Sandy can finally see the genius of my comedy. [Door opens] Good morning, Sandy.
 * [He stares on; Sandy is dressed as a hillbilly with flies floating around her]
 * Sandy: Well, hoooow-deeeeeee!
 * SpongeBob: Sandy, are you feeling alright?
 * Sandy: I'm just being my own au-naturally squirrelly self! [Licks her teeth with her tongue. SpongeBob laughs nervously] Well come on in! Y'all must be tired from telling them funny jokes all the time. Why don't you take a load off! [Pushes him onto a log with glue on it]
 * SpongeBob: Uhh, Sandy, I think something's wrong with this seat.
 * Sandy: Naw, [Holds up a brush and a bucket of glue] I just done put glue on it so you wouldn't fall off. [Gasps and grabs the flowers that SpongeBob was holding] Are them flowers for me? You even done got me a vase! [Takes SpongeBob's water helmet off his head]
 * SpongeBob: But Sandy, that, that's not a... [Sandy places the flowers in the water helmet]
 * Sandy: Ain't that purdy?
 * SpongeBob: [already dried out] Sandy, I need wa...
 * Sandy: Oh, that's right. Youse a sea critter. Now what was that thing that sea critters need? Umm, uhh... let's see, uhh... [A big lump in her throat wiggles up and down] Sea critters need, uhh...
 * SpongeBob: Wa...
 * Sandy: Oh wait, don't tell me. I know this one!
 * SpongeBob: Wa...
 * Sandy: Wa...llet? Watch? Waffles?
 * SpongeBob: [hoarsely] Sandy! Water!
 * Sandy: Well, why didn't you just say so! [Puts the end of a hose in SpongeBob's mouth] Yup, a squirrel sure is stupid. [Connects the other end of the hose to a pipe then turns it on. SpongeBob enlarges as more water enters into him]
 * SpongeBob: Sandy!
 * Sandy: Dumb, dumb, dumb, squirrels is dumb.
 * SpongeBob: Okay Sandy, I get it!
 * Sandy: What's that? You want more? [Connects to the end of the hose to a bigger pipe and turns it on] Okey-dokey! More water for the sea-critter! [SpongeBob is still enlarging]
 * SpongeBob: Ok Sandy, Ok! I get it! [SpongeBob is filled up every inch of the Treedome] No more squirrel jokes. [Scene cuts to the Komedy Krab where the crowd is chanting for SpongeBob again] Thank you, thank you very much. Well, on my way over here, I ran into a squirrel. [winks at Sandy. cut to Patrick show his happily exciting smile, Sandy blinks with a smirk] And I said, 'Hey, why don't you go get a couple of squirrel friends and we'll go change a light bulb.' [Crowd laughs] But seriously folks, the only thing dumber than a squirrel is a sponge! [Crowd is silent] I mean, we're so dumb, we don't even have a vertebrae! [Twists himself] Look at me! I got no bones!
 * Fish #6: That's true. [Crowd laughs]
 * SpongeBob: Crabs? Oh brother. They're so cheap, they can't even pay attention!
 * Mr. Krabs: [Laughs] It's true, I am cheap!
 * SpongeBob: Now let me tell you about those fish? Boy are they smelly. Whoo-hoo! I mean how can a creature that spends so much time in the water smell so bad? I mean, really! [Imitates a fish] Soap... soap... what is... soap? [Crowd laughs more. SpongeBob and Sandy give each other a thumbs-up as the scene cuts to an outside view of the Krusty Krab] And don't even get me started on starfish!

Rock-A-Bye Bivalve

 * SpongeBob: [runs outside to retrieve the newspaper] Gary, the paper's here! [Gary comes out on a motorized skateboard. SpongeBob gives him the paper but keeps the rubber band] You can have this, buddy. 'Cause all I need is the entertainment section! [shakes the rubber band around for emphasis. Hums while he stretches the rubber band around the middle of his body and snaps it together, turning him into a bowtie-like shape] I am a happy sponge! [runs around, laughing, while Gary is reading the paper]
 * Gary: [looking slightly annoyed by SpongeBob by rolling his eyes] Meow. [SpongeBob runs into Patrick, who also has a rubber band stretched around him]
 * Patrick: I see you got the paper. [ his rubber band snaps off]
 * SpongeBob: Oh, hey, Patrick. [ then his rubber band snaps off as well. Patrick clears his throat] Well, I'd better get going!
 * Patrick: Yep, see you later. [both walk off but then hear a chirping sound and they both quickly run back, with their hands over their ears]
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: What did you say?
 * Patrick: Well I didn't say anything.
 * SpongeBob: I didn't say anything, either.
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: See you later then. [both walk off again and the squeaking noise is heard again so both run back. This time they are angry]
 * SpongeBob: [Pointing at Patrick] Alright, quit messing with me, I know you said something.
 * Patrick: Ah, but it is you [points] that is messing with me. [both look down to see the squeaking noise is coming from a shaking branch. Patrick points downward. ] That's what's messing with us!
 * SpongeBob: It's a baby scallop.
 * Patrick: [lifts up his foot with a threatening look on his face] I'll take care of this!
 * SpongeBob: No, Patrick! It's totally helpless. [takes the baby scallop in his hands] It looks like he can't even fly yet.
 * Patrick: What's the matter, is he stupid?
 * SpongeBob: No, Patrick, he's just a baby. [close-up of the chirping scallop in SpongeBob's hands] He's all alone with no one to take care of him.
 * Patrick: Well, we can't just leave him out here.
 * SpongeBob: You're right. Come on, let's take him into the pineapple. [both run in and set the baby scallop on the ground] Hmmm, let's see, we need a box for him to sleep in. [SpongeBob removes his pants and sets it in front of the scallop] There you go. It's the best seat in the house. [scene cuts to Gary does a rimshot]
 * Patrick: Let me see! [Patrick sticks his whole head inside SpongeBob's pants] Hey, he's kinda cute. Uh-oh! [takes his head out, which is now eaten on the side] I think somebody's hungry!
 * SpongeBob: [takes out Junior and speaks in baby-talk to it] Is it true? Are you hungry?
 * Junior: [chirping happily] Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep!
 * SpongeBob: I've got just the thing. [puts Junior on a barrel and takes out a Krabby Patty] How would you like a Krabby Patty? [Junior yelps]
 * Patrick: SpongeBob SquarePants, are you crazy? That's not the right food for a little fella like him!
 * SpongeBob: Of course not. I don't know what I was thinking. What he needs is a tiny Krabby Patty. [shows Junior a minuscule Krabby Patty]
 * Junior: [sniffs the patty, then sticks his tongue out] Blech!
 * SpongeBob: Huh? No one's ever turned down one of these before. [gobbles it and gulps it down]
 * Patrick: [holds up a donut] Let's try a donut. [Junior hisses]
 * SpongeBob: French fries?
 * Junior: [shaking his head] Unh-unh.
 * Patrick: [eating the donut] A donut? [Junior blows a raspberry]
 * SpongeBob: [holds up an apple] All we have left is this apple! [a worm pokes its head out of the apple]
 * Worm: Hello sea creatures! I bring you greetings from Apple World! [Junior jumps in the air in excitement]
 * SpongeBob: Of course, scallops love worms! [picks up the worm]
 * Worm: Huh, wait! We will bury you! [SpongeBob drops it in Junior's mouth]
 * SpongeBob: Well, you should be good for the rest of the... [Junior cries]
 * Patrick: What now?
 * SpongeBob: I don't know. Aww, don't cry.
 * Patrick: Do something, SpongeBob!
 * SpongeBob: Uhh...uhh...uhh... Blah-blah-blah, look at the funny face! Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, look at the funny face! [shows SpongeBob has a puppet that looks like him on his hand] Look at the funny face!
 * Patrick: Wait! I think I might know the problem. [picks up Junior and looks at him] Yep, that's it alright. [hides it behind his back] Hold on just one second. There he is, good as new. [Junior has a diaper on]
 * SpongeBob: How did you know?
 * Patrick: How do you think? [drops his pants showing that he is wearing a diaper] And I've been doing it all by myself for almost a year.
 * SpongeBob: Wow, I'm sure glad you're here.
 * Patrick: I know, good thing there's two of us.
 * SpongeBob: You know Patrick, since this scallop doesn't have parents, we should raise it ourselves.
 * Patrick: Yeah! At least until it's old enough to be on its own! Oh, I wanna be the mom!
 * SpongeBob: I don't think you can be the mom, Patrick, because you never wear a shirt.
 * Patrick: You're right. If I was a mom...[the camera draws back to reveal Patrick's hairy, obese, unsightly form]...this would be kind of shocking. [lifts his arms, revealing armpit hair] Just call me Daddy!
 * Montage:
 * Patrick: [softly, from inside the house] It sure is cute when it's asleep.
 * SpongeBob: [softly, from inside the house] Yeah. [SpongeBob and Patrick watch Junior sleeping] Shh! [both tiptoe out of the room]
 * Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob? [goes to what appears to be the right side of the bed]
 * SpongeBob: [goes to what appears to be the left side] Yes, Patrick?
 * Patrick: I never thought being a parent could be this much fun.
 * SpongeBob: Me neither.
 * [scene zooms out, revealing that Patrick is sleeping on the bottom mattress and SpongeBob is sleeping on the top]
 * Patrick: Well, good night, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: Good night, Patrick. [SpongeBob's mattress slams shut on top of Patrick. Scene cuts to morning] Patrick, breakfast is ready! [SpongeBob is cooking something over at the grill as Patrick walks in, noticing the bunch of food that is on the table]
 * Patrick: Alright! All this parenting stuff makes me hungry. [lifts the table up as all the food slides down into mouth. He burps then pats Junior] Hey Junior, how are you doing today? [smells an odor from Junior] SpongeBob? [adjusts his tie]
 * SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick?
 * Patrick: Kid's got a stinky.
 * SpongeBob: [doing many chores at the same time] Can you take care of him? My hands are kind of full. [Patrick guzzles down the coffee as Junior begins to cry]
 * Patrick: [drinking coffee] Ahh! Wish I could, but I gotta get going.
 * SpongeBob: Going? Where are you going?
 * Patrick: [puts on a suit and takes his briefcase] I'm goin' to work. I'm the dad, remember?
 * SpongeBob: You mean I have to do all this baby stuff myself?
 * Patrick: I'll give you a break tonight when I get home. Don't you two stop being adorable. [chuckles as he closes the door]
 * SpongeBob: Ok. [chuckles weakly. Day turns into night and Patrick walks in and takes his jacket and hat off]
 * Patrick: Phew, what a day.
 * SpongeBob: Oh great, you're home! Now you can help me with the baby.
 * Patrick: Aw, gee, SpongeBob, I'd love to but I'm totally beat from work.
 * SpongeBob: Huh? [Patrick sits down and watches TV. Coconut "clonk" sound effect is heard.]
 * Patrick: [laughs] That guy got hit in the head with a coconut!
 * SpongeBob: [walks in still doing the chores] Patrick, what about my break?
 * Patrick: Oh yeah, your break. Uh, tomorrow, I promise.
 * SpongeBob: Uhh, ok, tomorrow.
 * Narrator: Tomorrow... [scene cuts to Patrick walking in at night and taking his stuff off]
 * Patrick: Phew, another tough day! [walks by SpongeBob, who is still doing the same chores from yesterday]
 * SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick, I'm so glad you're home after working all day. I can't wait for my break!
 * Patrick: Work was a killer! I need my chair. [sits down and watches TV again]
 * SpongeBob: [walks in still doing chores] Patrick, I really need my...
 * Patrick: Tomorrow for sure.
 * Narrator: Tomorrow for sure... [scene cuts to a tired SpongeBob doing the same chores as Patrick walks by]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick?
 * Patrick: I'll get to it eventually...
 * Narrator: Eventually... [scene cuts to SpongeBob still doing the chores but even more tired]
 * SpongeBob: Uhhh?
 * Patrick: Uhhh.
 * Narrator: Uhhh... [scene cuts to Patrick watching TV as SpongeBob walks in and turns on the lights]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick Star, we need to talk.
 * Patrick: Just one more minute, I gotta...
 * SpongeBob: Don't 'one more minute' me, Mr. Man! [turns off the TV]
 * Patrick: Hey, I'm missin' the coconut!
 * SpongeBob: You haven't been helping at all with Junior! [pulls in baby stroller] We made a commitment and you're not doing your share! You never do anything.
 * Patrick: I changed his diaper!
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, once.
 * Patrick: He's only this big. [shows with his hands on how big Junior is] How many diapers could he possibly use?
 * SpongeBob: [opens up a trash can full of diapers] Hmmm?
 * Patrick: Oh, that's not that much.
 * SpongeBob: [points over to the corner of the room where there are two bags and a trash can full of diapers] Hmmm?
 * Patrick: [nervously] So?
 * SpongeBob: [opens up the refrigerator, full of diapers] Hmmm? [pulls the cover off the couch, revealing it to be diapers] Hmmm? [tears the wallpaper off the wall, revealing a bunch of diapers behind it] Hmmm!? [points outside to a garbage truck loading a bunch of diapers into the dumpster. Patrick quivers at the sight of it]
 * Patrick: [his eyes fill with tears] I have no idea! What kind of a father am I?! Oh! [sobs as he looks at SpongeBob] I'll make it up to you, buddy. I promise! [scene cuts to next day]
 * SpongeBob: So, what's the plan for the day?
 * Patrick: No more foolin' around. From now on, I'm Super-Dad! I'll work straight through lunch so I can get home on time. So make sure you save a big ol' stinky diaper for me to change, and you can take the night off, pal!
 * SpongeBob: [gives Patrick his briefcase] Great, so I'll see you at six o'clock.
 * Patrick: Six o'clock.
 * SpongeBob: Six o'clock.
 * Patrick: Six o'clock.
 * SpongeBob: [waving] Six o'clock.
 * Patrick: [waving] Six o'clock.
 * SpongeBob: Six o'clock.
 * Patrick: Six o'clock. [cuts to a time card]
 * Narrator: 12:00 midnight.
 * [Patrick walks in with a lampshade over his head, giggling and turns on the light]
 * Patrick: Oh, that was some party! [SpongeBob is standing there, tapping his foot] Oh, hey, SpongeBob. Hey, Junior. What? What?
 * SpongeBob: Oh, nothing.
 * Patrick: Oh, what a relief. [takes the lampshade off his head and puts it on SpongeBob] For a second there, I thought you were mad at me.
 * SpongeBob: [takes the lampshade off his head] Do you remember what you said to me this morning?
 * Patrick: Somethin' about root beer, right?
 * SpongeBob: [takes a deep breath, flatly] No.
 * Patrick: Oh wait, wait, let me guess. I give up.
 * SpongeBob: Does... [imitates Patrick in a mocking tone with a goofy look on his face] "You can take the night off, pal!" [normal voice] ...ring a bell?
 * Patrick: [raspberry] I don't need this. [walks outside]
 * SpongeBob: What? Where do you think you're going?
 * Patrick: [opens his rock] I'm going back to work. [gets in and closes his rock]
 * SpongeBob: Work?! [growls and rips off his hairpiece]
 * [Cut to SpongeBob, not wearing his mother-like clothing anymore, walking outside to Patrick's rock. He opens it up, and finds Patrick in his easy chair, watching TV]
 * Patrick: [a "clonk" sound is heard on the TV; laughs] He got hit in the head with two coconuts!
 * SpongeBob: [angry] So! This is work?
 * Patrick: You know, it's not as easy as it looks. Sometimes I gotta move the antenna, sometimes I lose the remote, [looks at his rear] and sometimes my butt itches real bad!
 * SpongeBob: [sarcastically] Oh, you poor, poor thing! By the way, you forgot your briefcase! [he pulls a briefcase out from behind his back, and opens it up to reveal that it is filled with donuts and ice cream sundaes as he angrily dumps it all over Patrick]
 * Patrick: [quietly but furiously] Oh, so this is the thanks I get for working overtime?
 * [SpongeBob is enraged. He balls his fists and fumes so hard, his entire body shakes. Then he loses his temper and goes ballistic on Patrick, and his face morphs into a stereotypical Asian face with lots of teeth.]
 * SpongeBob: [Screaming intensely] Overtime?!
 * [SpongeBob jumps into Patrick's rock, and they both begin to argue intensely.]
 * Patrick: Yeah, overtime, pal!
 * SpongeBob: [overlapping Patrick] Oh, boy, yeah, you're working!
 * Patrick: You know what that means?
 * SpongeBob: And that's the kind of work you're doing?
 * Patrick: ​It means working when you're just too tired to work!
 * SpongeBob: Show me where I can sign up for this, because I've been working my fingers to the bone!
 * [Junior is heard beginning to chirp]
 * Patrick: You just keep going on working and working!
 * SpongeBob: ​You never help! [screams] Never!
 * [Junior's chirping intensifies, which makes the two finally stop arguing and listen to it]
 * Patrick: [still mad] There's that stupid noise again!
 * SpongeBob: Oh, that's not a stupid noise. That's just Junior about to jump out of that two-story window.
 * [Patrick and SpongeBob see Junior teetering on the edge of the window of SpongeBob's house, ready to fly.]
 * Patrick: [calmly] Oh.
 * [All at once, Patrick and SpongeBob are struck by what's happening.]
 * Patrick and SpongeBob: [eyes bulge in horror, screaming] Junior!
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick run over to SpongeBob's house, get under the window, and try to catch him, but they miss.]
 * SpongeBob: Did you catch him?
 * Patrick: [looking sadly at his empty hands] No.
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: [crying] We're bad parents! [As they sob, they are unaware that the chirping Junior is flying above them.]
 * SpongeBob: Junior? Hey, he's flying!
 * Patrick: I guess he's all grown up! [Junior kisses SpongeBob then flying off] Hey, what about Daddy? [Junior drops a coconut on Patrick's head then kisses him] That's my boy.
 * SpongeBob: Goodbye.
 * Patrick: Goodbye, Junior.
 * [they watch Junior fly away]
 * SpongeBob: Well, Patrick, he doesn't need us anymore.
 * Patrick: This is the hardest part of every parent's life, I assume.
 * SpongeBob: Despite all we've been through, it was worth it.
 * Patrick: Yeah... Let's have another!
 * [SpongeBob looks shocked]

Pressure

 * Sandy: [looking at the clouds] You know, SpongeBob, sometimes it's nice to hang up my hang-glider and just watch the clouds roll by.
 * SpongeBob: Yup, and just relax.
 * Sandy: Yeah. Relax.
 * SpongeBob: Oooh! Oooh! Do you know what that cloud looks like?
 * Sandy: What?
 * SpongeBob: A flower.
 * Sandy: They all look like flowers, SpongeBob. All the time.
 * SpongeBob: They sure do.
 * Sandy: You know, normally, I'd offer to race you to the top of coral cliffs. But I don't want to miss out on a second of this beautiful beauty.
 * SpongeBob: Me either. Who wants to get all dirty anyway?
 * Sandy: Yeah. And sweaty. Besides, I think we'd all know who'd get to the top first.
 * SpongeBob: Yeah.
 * SpongeBob and Sandy: [both laugh] Me.
 * SpongeBob: That's funny, Sandy. That sounded like you said you could beat me at a climbing contest.
 * Sandy: Course I can! I'm a squirrel. See? [points to her acorn patch]
 * SpongeBob: I thought that meant you were nuts.
 * Sandy: Nope, that means I'm a natural born climber. I'm from the surface world, and nothing prepares you for climbing than growing up on good ol' dry land.
 * SpongeBob: [laughs] Land-shmand, it's all about finger strength, baby, and if there's anything we've got plenty of down here, it's finger strength! [his fingers flex] What do you think about that, "Miss Mittens"?
 * Sandy: I'd say I'm already halfway there!
 * SpongeBob: Ahh! [begins to climb the mountain] Hey, no fair, Sandy! You got a head start!
 * Sandy: Sorry, SpongeBob, that's the way the coral crumbles! [collapses the rock SpongeBob is climbing on]
 * SpongeBob: Hey! [gets back on another rock] You did that on purpose!
 * Sandy: Yeah, but this is an accident! [unleashes more rocks at him]
 * SpongeBob: [screams] Aaaaah!
 * Sandy: Too bad you forgot your umbrella!
 * SpongeBob: [holds on to an umbrella and floats up] I didn't! [laughing, reaches the top of the cliff]
 * Sandy: [sitting in a lounge chair, reading a newspaper] Well. It's about time you showed up.
 * SpongeBob: [gibberish] I want a rematch! First one to the Krusty Krab is the winner!
 * Sandy: Ain't no way a sea critter can run faster than a land critter.
 * SpongeBob: I can underwater! I'm... [Low voice] Hydrodynamically designed! [Normal voice] Think you can win a fair race in that clunky tin tube?
 * Sandy: Why don't use ask my behind! That is, if you can catch it! What do you think of that, HydroPants?
 * SpongeBob: I'd say I'm already halfway there!-halfway there! [zooms out to reveal a record player] -halfway there!-halfway there!.
 * Sandy: [gasps] Hey!
 * SpongeBob: [running at the bottom of the mountain, laughing, hits a brick wall]
 * Sandy: [jumps on SpongeBob's face and over the brick wall] Thanks for the face lift! [runs into the Krusty Krab, laughing] You see, I told you that you didn't-
 * SpongeBob: [dressed as an old man] There you are! Ain't that just like a land creature to keep a sea creature [licks lips] waiting! [rips off suit, laughing]
 * Sandy: I thought y'all wanted a rematch.
 * SpongeBob: I did! And I took a head start like you did!
 * Sandy: Well, I was just funning with you that time! But I guess all y'all underwater don't have to play fair!
 * SpongeBob: I guess I don't, air breather!
 * Sandy: Water sucker!
 * SpongeBob: Tree climber!
 * Sandy: Gulf streamer!
 * SpongeBob: Kite flier!
 * Sandy: Chum chewer!
 * SpongeBob: [gasps] Take that back! You- [nervously] not wet person!
 * Sandy: A-ha! You can't even come up with another name! That proves it!
 * SpongeBob: Proves what?
 * Sandy: That land critters are better than sea critters!
 * Patrick: [walks to the two] Better at what?
 * Sandy Cheeks: Oh, dern near everything, I guess. Cattle roping and pie eating and wood chopping and flying!
 * Squidward: [walks to the three] What's she blabbering about?
 * Patrick: She says land creatures are best.
 * Sandy: Only 'cause it's true! We're best at horse riding and fur stylin' and rowing. Y'all got us licked in swimming, but we've got corn shucking [Mr. Krabs joins the four] and hay bailing and barn raising... and fishing!
 * [SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward and Mr. Krabs all gasp]
 * Sandy: And name calling, for sure!
 * Squidward: And drowning, don't forget drowning!
 * SpongeBob: [laughing] Good one, Squidward! [jumps to high five Squidward, but freezes in midair] Woo!
 * Squidward: Not on your life, sport. [SpongeBob falls]
 * SpongeBob: I'll admit, you've got some pretty good moves. For a squirrel. [SpongeBob and the rest except Sandy start laughing until SpongeBob signals them to stop] But you're still just a land creature.
 * Sandy: Squirrels can do anything they want to!
 * Patrick: I bet they can't eat a Krabby Double Deluxe in one bite. [gulps a big patty down] Ah.
 * Sandy: [reaches offscreen for the same big patty] Give me that. They don't call me Cheeks for nothing. [tries to eat it, but it splatters on her air helmet. Everyone, but Sandy, begins to laugh]
 * Patrick: Thank you, thank you.
 * Sandy: Well, there's just one thing.
 * Mr. Krabs: Can you do this? [pops his eyestalks in and out of his head] Everyone in my family can do that.
 * Sandy: [Tries to do it] Uh...uh...
 * Squidward: How about this? [balances six spinning plates on a stick with his tentacles] Huh?
 * SpongeBob: Can you reproduce by budding. [begins to do it] Can ya? Can ya? Can ya? Can ya?
 * Sandy: No!
 * SpongeBob: Most importantly...can you do this? [all except Sandy make their eyes big and round, and begin gasping three times without releasing any breath]
 * Sandy: Well, what would I wanna do any of that dumb stuff for anyway?
 * SpongeBob: Admit it, Sandy, you can't do anything us sea creatures can do. In fact, if wasn't for that suit, you couldn't live down here! [everyone but Sandy starts laughing]
 * Sandy: Well, you know... [all continue laughing] I don't need to... [all laughing harder] Grr... I'll show ya all! I don't need this suit! [rips off suit, and all gasp] And I don't need this helmet neither! [throws helmet to ground, releasing an air bubble]
 * Mr. Krabs: Neptune preserve her!
 * Squidward: How long can she stay like that?
 * SpongeBob: I don't know!
 * Patrick: Sandy's a girl?
 * SpongeBob: Wow, Sandy. You sure proved us wrong. I guess land creatures are better. At least until they need to breathe... [Sandy winks] Yep, won't be long now. [she starts struggling to hold her breath] Feelin' light-headed yet?
 * Sandy: Mm-mm. [Sandy shakes her head]
 * SpongeBob: Remember this? [SpongeBob takes a deep breath in and out]
 * Mr. Krabs: It's free! [also takes a deep breath in and out]
 * Sandy: [Starts suffocating underwater, screen cuts to her insides and her right lung breaks and falls off, she looks around and quickly searches through multiple objects, then puts her head into a pickle jar and breathes heavily. All others start laughing] Stop laughing at me!
 * Mr. Krabs: I knew it! There was no way some "airhead" was gonna win anything against a water breather!
 * Patrick: Airhead... [laughs. The top of his head deflates like a balloon] Huh? [puts thumb in mouth and blows. His head becomes round at the top]
 * SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward and Mr. Krabs: Sea creatures rule! Water! Water! Water!
 * Sandy: All right, all right! You had your little laugh. But now it's my turn! Y'all think you're such hot stuff, don't ya! Swimming around with your fancy gills and such. But none of you wetheads could last a minute on my turf. Dry land!
 * Squidward: Do we have to wear pickle jars? [all, except Sandy, laugh]
 * Sandy: Nope, nothing but the clothes on your backs.
 * SpongeBob: One minute? No problem, Landy! [all but Sandy begin to laugh]
 * Sandy: [all but her are still laughing, as she leads them all to an island rising out of the water from the seafloor, as they see the island, they stop laughing] Well? So are you going or not?
 * SpongeBob: Actually, you know, but...
 * Squidward: We can't, uh...because...
 * Mr. Krabs: Well, um... we're late for our...
 * Patrick: Our fitting!
 * Sandy: Oh, you mean for your chicken costumes!
 * Patrick: [holding and eating popcorn] Hey! We are not chicken! [drops popcorn] Huh! My popcorn! [begins pecking at it like a chicken]
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, we're not chicken, we'll do it. [looks at the water's surface and pokes his finger above the water] There. Mission accomplished.
 * Sandy: Look. Unless you can stay above water for one measly minute, you forfeit the contest and prove that land creatures are better than sea creatures!
 * SpongeBob: No, way, San-day. We can take on your challenge!
 * Patrick, Squidward and Mr. Krabs: Yeah!
 * SpongeBob: Where not afraid of your dumb old land!
 * Patrick, Squidward and Mr. Krabs: Yeah!
 * SpongeBob: We're sea creatures!
 * SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward and Mr. Krabs: Yeah!
 * SpongeBob: Okay... Well, this is it.
 * Mr. Krabs: Wait, boy! [gives him a glass of water] Make it last.
 * SpongeBob: [drinks from it] Thanks Mr. Krabs Ok! Here I go! [gasps out of water, He's now a real yellow kitchen sponge on a stick] Hey, this isn't so bad. We can do this! Hey, Patrick, come on up! The air is fine!
 * Patrick: I'm gonna do it quick and get it over with. Cannonball! [jumps up out of the water. He's now a real pink starfish, missing his pants, on a stick] Hey, I lost my trunks! Hi, SpongeBob!
 * SpongeBob: All right, Pat, you made it! Come on, Mr. Krabs! Up here!
 * Mr. Krabs: All ashore, that's going to shore, Mr. Squidward! Land ho! [runs up. he is a red rubber toy crab on a stick]
 * SpongeBob: Looking good, Mr. Krabs!
 * Patrick: Yeah! Yeah! Woohoo!
 * SpongeBob: Come on, Squidward, you're missing all the dry. Come on, Squidward!
 * SpongeBob, Patrick and Mr. Krabs: [chanting] Squidward! Squidward! Squidward! Squidward!
 * Squidward: Well, I'll do it. But I won't like it. [walks up. he's a puppet squid with his eyes and big nose. [all stop chanting] ...What?
 * SpongeBob: Well, here we are. [all four are walking on the island]
 * Squidward: This is pretty easy.
 * Patrick: I may keep a second rock up here.
 * Mr. Krabs: Once you get your land legs it's not so bad!
 * SpongeBob: We're the masters of land and sea!
 * SpongeBob: [a string puppet seagull lands in front of them] Hey, a local. Hi, we're from underwater. Do you know Sandy Cheeks? [seagull looks at screen]
 * Sandy: 3, 2, 1. Well, tan my fur. They made it! Better congratulate them. [walks onto the island. She's now a real plush squirrel toy with a small, round plastic helmet on her head] SpongeBob! Patrick? Hmm, where'd those critters get to? [sees the seagulls attacking all four of them] Holy guacamole! You can't eat my friends, you rats with wings! Hiyah! [attacks the birds and feathers start flying. All five sink back down to the seabed, with Squidward upside-down.]
 * SpongeBob: Uh, thanks for saving us, Sandy.
 * Sandy: You know, everyone's best at something.
 * SpongeBob: But no one's best at everything. Sorry I made you take off your helmet, Sandy.
 * Sandy: Sorry I made you go up on dry land, SpongeBob.
 * Mr. Krabs: Three cheers for feeling sorry for ourselves! Hip hip!
 * All: [all jump up] Hooray!
 * Mr. Krabs: Hip hip!
 * All: [all jump up] Hooray!
 * Mr. Krabs: Hip hip!
 * Seagulls: [lying on island with their feathers missing] Hooray.

The Smoking Peanut

 * [The episode starts at the Bikini Bottom Zoo]
 * Narrator: Ah... Bikini Bottom Zoo is having its annual free day. Free balloons...
 * [Mr. Krabs, disguised in a mustache, steals a whole bunch of balloons from Jimmy]
 * Narrator: Free drinks...
 * [Mr. Krabs comes by and fills up a huge barrel]
 * Narrator: Free... light bulbs?
 * [Mr. Krabs unscrews a light bulb from a lamp post and puts it into his pants just as the police arrive]
 * Mr. Krabs: A-ha! Top of the mornin', boys! [Laughs nervously] Next stop: gift shop.
 * [As he runs into the gift shop, SpongeBob and Patrick walk by wearing zoo hats]
 * SpongeBob: There it is... Oyster Stadium. Not only do they have the largest oyster held in captivity, it also does tricks!
 * SpongeBob: [Like an announcer] He spits a giant pearl 100 feet in the air! Like a cannonball!
 * [SpongeBob crumples up his hat and spits it into the air and into a little fish's ice cream]
 * Patrick: What are we hanging around watching a cheap imitation? Let's get over there!
 * [The two run into the stadium]
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: This is the greatest day of our lives!
 * [Clamu is snoring and gurgling]
 * Patrick: This is the greatest day of our lives? Boring!
 * SpongeBob: You're right, Patrick. We came to see [Announcer voice] pearls 100 feet in the air, [normal voice] Right? I'll try my oyster call.
 * [SpongeBob makes a strange noise, but he gives up, because the oyster is asleep]
 * Patrick: Well, I'm outta here. Thanks for nothin', SpongeBob.
 * [Patrick walks away]
 * SpongeBob: Come on, come on, wake up already! [He pulls out his bag of sea peanuts. He looks left and right and then throws one at the oyster. The oyster stirs] I think it's working!
 * [The oyster frantically looks around]
 * SpongeBob: Hey Patrick, it's waking up!
 * Patrick: Oh boy, did I miss it?
 * SpongeBob: No, the show's about to begin!
 * [The oyster suddenly cries at the top of its lungs. SpongeBob and Patrick get blown away to the seats. The oyster hops around while bawling. Two zoo employees come running into the arena]
 * Zoo Worker #1: What's wrong with Clamu?
 * Joe: Easy girl, it's me, Joe! Remember?
 * [The clam snarls as if it sounds like a belch and uses its tongue to throw Joe out of Oyster Stadium. Patrick and nervous SpongeBob wait at the stands]
 * Patrick: Now this is a show!
 * [Outside]
 * Announcer: Attention zoo patrons! Clamu the giant oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and run around in circles. [everybody runs for their lives and scream] Thanks for coming.
 * [In the stadium, Clamu is still smashing things and making snarling belch noises. The zoo worker goes up to SpongeBob and Patrick]
 * Zoo Worker #1: You boys better get out of this area, pronto! There's nothing more dangerous than an emotionally disturbed oyster!
 * [The worker points menacingly at SpongeBob]
 * Zoo Worker #1: You didn't do anything that might have caused this horrible tragedy, did you?
 * SpongeBob: Uh...
 * Patrick: No way! Only a jerk would upset a gentle giant. Right, SpongeBob?
 * [SpongeBob hides the peanut bag]
 * SpongeBob: Right. [SpongeBob lets out a nervous shriek]
 * [Clamu chomps on a piece of metal. Cut to Patrick and SpongeBob leaving the zoo]
 * Patrick: Man, if I see the guy who upset Clamu, I've got a few choice words for him, like "you"... and "are" ... and ... "a jerk!"
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick have now gotten to Conch Street, where their houses are]
 * Patrick: Are you sure you didn't see anything suspicious?
 * SpongeBob: I already said I didn't, Patrick! Sheesh!
 * [Walks up his cobblestone path into his pineapple]
 * Patrick: Hey, let's investigate this crime and catch the lowlife who's responsible!
 * SpongeBob: Give it a rest, Patrick! There's no crime to investigate! Now go home! [Inside the pineapple] Stupid Patrick, I didn't do anything wrong. Ah, what am I getting so worked up about? I'm sure that by tomorrow, this whole ugly mess will be a funny memory!
 * [He chuckles and turns on the TV]
 * Johnny: Our top story tonight: giant oyster has its feelings hurt! The only clue that could be found was this lone peanut! And as you can hear, the oyster continues to emit its horrible cry. A cry so powerful, it can be heard around the world! [TV is shown with real people covering their ears in Egypt, Holland, and India] A cry that not only breaks the sound barrier, it breaks the hearts of our citizens! [SpongeBob stares a the TV with a look of guilt and horror] What kind of cruel, careless, evil person would deliberately upset one of Neptune's most gentle creatures?[Hans uses a tissue to wipe a tear off Johnny's face. SpongeBob turns off the TV]
 * Gary: Meow?
 * SpongeBob: [screams] No, Gary, how would I know anything about the oyster?
 * Gary: Meow.
 * SpongeBob: Defensive? I'm not being defensive! Barnacles! What is this, 20 Questions or something? [He peers out the window at Oyster Stadium, where we still hear Clamu's shrieking] This is getting a little out of hand. All I did was throw a peanut. I didn't mean to make the oyster cry. I just wanted to see it perform spectacular stunts! Aw, everyone's gonna hate me! I-I need some advice! Now let's see now, who could never hate me no matter what I do? [Cut to SpongeBob knocking on Squidward's door] Squidward? Squidward! Oh, Squidward!
 * Squidward: SpongeBob! Do you have to knock so loudly?
 * SpongeBob: Sorry, neighbor.
 * Squidward: Oh... that overgrown clam is giving me a headache! I can't even take my afternoon beauty nap!
 * SpongeBob: Funny thing you should mention that old oyster, because I... uh... was kind of wondering, um... Let's say I know this guy who may have something to do with the oyster.
 * Squidward: You know the guy who did it?!
 * SpongeBob: [gulps]
 * Squidward: Oh, this is great! You and I can go turn him in! And then I'll get so much sleep, I'll be gorgeous!
 * SpongeBob: Um, actually, I-I'm just talking hypothetically.
 * Squidward: You mean you don't know who did it?
 * SpongeBob: Well, um... I... uh... no. [Squidward slams the door in SpongeBob's face] Squidward?
 * [SpongeBob sighs and walks away. On his way home, he encounters Patrick in a Sherlock Holmes outfit]
 * Patrick: Gotcha! [SpongeBob screams and jumps out of his pants]
 * Patrick: Where were you on the day of today? Don't play games with me, mister!
 * SpongeBob: Hey Patrick, what are you doing?
 * Patrick: Oh, hi, SpongeBob. I'm just continuing my investigation of the great Clamu Caper!
 * SpongeBob: Um, have you found out anything?
 * Patrick: Yes! No wait, uh... no. [Holds up sand] But this grain of sand looks pretty suspicious, and so does this rock! [Holds up magnifying glass to look at a piece of grass] And I've got a few questions for this little piece of grass! Don't worry, SpongeBob! Patrick's on the case! The truth will be revealed!
 * [SpongeBob runs away]
 * SpongeBob: I better go see Sandy! She'll know what to do!
 * [We see Sandy and SpongeBob in the treedome, and Clamu is still shrieking]
 * Sandy: Oh, I can't stand it anymore! That poor, poor critter! What kind of inconsiderate person would upset such a gentle creature?
 * SpongeBob: Uh, that's kind of what I wanted to talk about, Sandy.
 * Sandy: Why, when I find out who caused that oyster so much pain, no more jiggery-pokery!
 * [Holds up the Bikini Bottom Phone Book and rips it in half in front of SpongeBob]
 * Sandy: Now, what was it you wanted to talk about, SpongeBob?
 * [SpongeBob tries to speak, but can't]
 * Sandy: Hey SpongeBob, how come you're all twitchy like that?
 * SpongeBob: Twitchy? Twitchy? Who's twitchy? I'm not twitchy! Sorry Sandy, I have to, um... um... go get my hair cut! [He runs home]
 * Sandy: SpongeBob doesn't have hair... or does he?
 * [SpongeBob runs down the block panting. He runs to the house and tries to open the door. Patrick approaches him to talk]
 * Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! [SpongeBob is startled and he falls apart. His limbs and facial features all reattach in different places] This is it! All of the clues are coming together. I followed these footprints right to this exact spot and then, right where you're standing, I found this bag of peanuts! Ha! Oh, I'm so close to solving this crime, I can almost taste it. [Zoom in on Patrick's mouth licking what appears to be SpongeBob's head. It is revealed to be instead licking a yellow ice cream pop that appears to be shaped like SpongeBob's head] Boy, crime fighting sure makes me hungry, and this yellow popsicle hits the spot!
 * SpongeBob: Okay, good luck with all that Patrick, and, um, I guess I'll see you later!
 * [He shuts the door, and inside]
 * Police Fish #2: Open up! This is the police!
 * [SpongeBob's eyes pop out of his head]
 * SpongeBob: Uh, uh, just a second!
 * [Two policefish bust in and one flashes his I.D]
 * Policefish #2: Are you SpongeBob SquarePants?
 * SpongeBob: Y-y-yes.
 * Policefish #1: Put those eyeballs back in your head, son! We've got a few questions for you.
 * [SpongeBob puts them in and twists them like a dial until the are positioned. Policefish #2 taps the baton on his hand while Policefish #1 talks.]
 * Policefish #1: Were you at the zoo on the day of the oyster incident?
 * SpongeBob: [Stutters] Y-yes! [Hides in his pants]
 * Policefish #1: Did you, or did you not take part in various activities of zoo-time merriment?
 * SpongeBob: Yes... [He sinks even lower into his pants]
 * Policefish #1: And are you familiar with... this peanut?
 * [Holds up a zip-locked peanut with "Exhibit A" written on it]
 * SpongeBob: Yes!
 * [His eyes peer out over the top of his pants. The bottom of his pants rip, and his body falls through]
 * Policefish #1: Just one more question... Is it true that you at the oyster's lair with a Mr. Patrick Star?
 * [sobbing]
 * SpongeBob: Yes! Yes! It's true! It's all true! The merriment, the peanut, the Patrick!
 * Policefish #1: That's all we need to know, son. Let's book him! [clink. The police put the cuffs on Patrick]
 * Patrick: Wow, you guys are good. I'm the last person I would have suspected, but I was looking for me all the time! It's the perfect crime!
 * Policefish #1: Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge, Pinky!
 * [Police Man and Police Man 2 escort Patrick out]
 * SpongeBob: Oh, no! Patrick's too sensitive for the big house![SpongeBob follows the police boat to the zoo]Wait! Stop! I'm the one you want! I am the criminal!
 * [crowd booing and yelling]
 * Sandals: [Cockney accent] Hey, everybody, let's throw peanuts at him and see how he likes it!
 * [crowd yelling]
 * Patrick: I get what I deserve! [Crowd yelling. Patrick attempts to catch all the peanuts with his mouth.]Ouch.
 * SpongeBob: Wait! Hold your peanuts! Patrick Star is innocent! I have come here to reveal the truth! They say that truth and honesty will be rewarded with trust and forgiveness...
 * Patrick: [humming while SpongeBob talks] Dum, dum, dum dum, de, dum...
 * SpongeBob: I'm here to lay my cards on the table, to trim the branches of deception from the tree of life, to shave away the unkempt sideburns from the face of truth! I...
 * Sandals: Ay! Just get on with it!
 * SpongeBob: I am the one who threw the peanut! I know now that what I have done is wrong. So I say, I am sorry, giant performing oyster. I am sorry, Patrick. I am sorry, citizens of Bikini Bottom. [Patrick stops humming]
 * Sandals: Hey! Let's throw peanuts at both of them!
 * [crowd yelling]
 * Zoo Worker #1: [objecting] Wait! Here's the real criminal!
 * Mr. Krabs: Uh, top of the mornin'!...? [his fake mustache falls off]
 * SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
 * [All gasping]
 * Patrick: I knew it!
 * Zoo Worker #1: Mr. Krabs has stolen a very important item from the oyster. [rips off Mr. Krabs' clothes by accident] Behold! [the crowd gets disgusted] Wait a minute... [reveals Clamu's pearl] Behold! The oyster's pearl! [The crowd gasps in shock; the zoo worker then gives the pearl to Clamu] Here you go, girl.
 * [Clamu sniffs her pearl and the crowd cheers. But suddenly, the pearl starts to crack. And to everyone's amazement, it hatches into a baby oyster.]
 * Baby Oyster: Mama! Mama!
 * SpongeBob: Mother of pearl! That oyster's a mother! And that pearl's no pearl, it's an egg!
 * Baby Oyster: Mama!
 * Clamu: Aww!
 * [The baby oyster and Clamu embrace each other.]
 * All: Awww... [They glare at Mr. Krabs]
 * Mr. Krabs: But it's free day!
 * [crowd yelling and then they throw peanuts at Mr. Krabs]

Krab Borg

 * Announcer on TV: [SpongeBob is watching the movie while eating popcorn] We now return to tonight's Creepy Time Theater presentation of Night of the Robot.
 * Dan Povenmire: [screaming while being chased by a giant robot]
 * SpongeBob: Hurry, Gary, the scary robot movie's on.
 * Gary: Meow.
 * SpongeBob: What do you mean I shouldn't watch this? Scary movies don't always freak me out. [scene cuts to SpongeBob lying in his bed, whimpering and shivering] What if Mom is a robot? What if Uncle Sherm is a robot? What if Gary is a robot? Gary? [Gary is sleeping] Psst, Gary? Gere-Bear? [pokes Gary's eye, causing him to wake up]
 * Gary: Meow.
 * SpongeBob: Gary, if you were a robot, you'd tell me, right?
 * Gary: Meow.
 * SpongeBob: Oh, I've got nothing to worry about. And now to get a good night's sleep. [goes to sleep. Dreams about running from the giant robot from the movie earlier. Scene cuts to the next day at the Krusty Krab, with SpongeBob in the kitchen, panting] Robot! Oh my gosh! [robot turns out to be a sack of potatoes, a dust pan and broom, and a bucket] Huh? [chuckles nervously. Scene cuts to Mr. Krabs holding down his money on Mr. Krabs' desk]
 * Mr. Krabs: How about a little music to count me money to? [turns on the radio that is next to him]
 * Radio DJ: [From the radio] And now for the #1 song in Bikini Bottom: "Electric Zoo." [techno beat is heard. Mr. Krabs starts counting his money]
 * Mr. Krabs: Hey, that's pretty catchy. Bee-bee-boo-bop, bee-bee-boo-beep. Yeah, that's not bad. I love this young people's music. [scene cuts to kitchen. A buzzer goes off]
 * SpongeBob: I surrender! Oh.
 * Squidward: SpongeBob! [SpongeBob screams. His hat flies onto Squidward's nose]
 * SpongeBob: Squidward, why are you wearing my hat on your nose?
 * Squidward: [removes the hat from his nose and puts it back on SpongeBob's head] I'm not wearing your hat on my nose! I'm waiting for #17's order!
 * SpongeBob: #17 -- [holds up a tray with food] Krabby Patty and a medium beverage. Course. Sorry Squidward, I'm not really feeling myself today. I guess I'm a little bit jumpy. I keep thinking robots are taking over the world, probably on account of this movie I watched last night where robots take over the world. I even asked Gary if he was a robot! Pretty funny, huh?
 * Squidward: [sarcastically] Hilarious. Just deliver the food.
 * SpongeBob: [delivers the food to Thaddeus] There you go! Enjoy your... Say, you're not a robot, are you?
 * Thaddeus: No, I'm not.
 * SpongeBob: Well, keep your eyes peeled. [in a deep voice] They're everywhere. Back to work! [he runs away, Thaddeus shrugs his shoulders. SpongeBob walks by Mr. Krabs' office]
 * Mr. Krabs: [from office] I feel completely recharged!
 * SpongeBob: That sounds like Mr. Krabs. [peeks in the window]
 * Mr. Krabs: Come on, little buddy, play it again. [shakes his radio] Please? One more time, for me.
 * SpongeBob: That was strange. Mr. Krabs was talking to his radio, and he said he feels "recharged." [laughs] If I didn't know better, I'd say he was... [scene zooms in on SpongeBob] ...a robot. Nah.
 * Mr. Krabs: [calls the radio station] Yes, hello. I was wondering if you could play that song again.
 * Radio DJ: [From the phone] Hmmm... which one, man?
 * Mr. Krabs: The one that goes "bee-boo-boo-bop, boo-boo-beep."
 * Radio DJ: No, man. You're thinking of "bee-boo-boo-bop, boo-boo-bop."
 * Mr. Krabs: Bee-boo-boo-boo-boo-bop, [Garbly telephone noise] bee-boo-boo-bop, [Garbly telephone noise] boo-boo-bee-bop? [Garbly telephone noise] Not bee-boo-boo-beep? [Garbly telephone noise] Bop? [Garbly telephone noise] Beep? [Garbly telephone noise] Boo-boo-bop? [SpongeBob screams]
 * SpongeBob: Oh my gosh. Why was Mr. Krabs making all those beeping sounds? Could it be that he's... [scene zooms in on him] ...a robot? Nah. [peeks into the window again and sees Mr. Krabs doing a robot dance on his desk. He jumps onto Squidward's arms] Oh, Squidward, it's terrible! Mr. Krabs... talking to radio... beeping sounds... strange dancing... robot!
 * Squidward: [picks up SpongeBob off his arms] That's great, SpongeBob. Why don't you work on this problem back in the kitchen? [throws him in the kitchen. Squidward laughs, but SpongeBob reappears beside him. Squidward is confused and looks around for how he did it]
 * SpongeBob: I'm serious, Squidward! Mr. Krabs is a robot. And I can prove it, too.
 * Squidward: [confused] How did you...?
 * SpongeBob: Let's see, in the movie the robots didn't have a sense of humor! They couldn't laugh. Hey, Mr. Krabs!
 * Mr. Krabs: [runs up to the counter] What is it, boy?
 * SpongeBob: Squidward just told me a hilarious joke and I thought you might like to hear it.
 * Mr. Krabs: Is it true, Squidward? Is it hilarious?
 * Squidward: Umm... yeah, sure.
 * Mr. Krabs: Well, let's hear it, lad.
 * SpongeBob: Okay, here it goes! Uhh, how'd it go Squidward?
 * Squidward: [chuckles nervously] Uhh, it went, umm, uhh, let's see, uhh... why couldn't the 11-year-old get into the pirate movie?
 * Mr. Krabs: Why?
 * Squidward: It was rated "R." [laughing] Arr! Because it's... about... pirates.
 * Mr. Krabs: I'm not paying you to do stand up, Mr. Squidward! Now get back to work!
 * SpongeBob: [gasps] Not even a chuckle. See, Squidward? He didn't laugh because he couldn't laugh because he's... [scene zooms in on him] ...a robot.
 * Squidward: There's a logical explanation why he didn't laugh, SpongeBob. He's obviously heard it before. The only reason you think Krabs is a robot is because you watched that stupid movie. Now why don't you...
 * SpongeBob: Hey, Mr. Krabs!
 * Mr. Krabs: [runs up to the counter again] What? What is it, boy?
 * SpongeBob: Squidward's father never hugged him. Isn't that sad? [pretends to cry]
 * Mr. Krabs: Yes, I suppose that is rather sad, but Squidward can hug himself during his break! Now get back to work!
 * SpongeBob: Just like the robot in the movie. He couldn't cry either.
 * Squidward: SpongeBob, this is getting ridiculous. I'll have you know my father loved me very much!
 * SpongeBob: That's the final test, Squidward. The love test. Robots can't love.
 * Squidward: No, wait, SpongeBob!
 * SpongeBob: Hey, Mr. Krabs!
 * Mr. Krabs: [runs up to the counter again] What is it, SpongeBob?!
 * SpongeBob: I just wanted to tell you that Squidward loves you! [Mr. Krabs makes a blank expression on his face]
 * Mr. Krabs: Get back to work, Mr. Squidward.
 * SpongeBob: [gulps] Squidward? [Mr. Krabs is at his desk writing something when the radio stops working. Radio breaks with electronic breakage sound effect.]
 * Mr. Krabs: Aw, me radio died! [takes out the batteries] Hmmm, these batteries still have a little juice in 'em. I know! I'll give 'em to Pearl for Christmas. [puts the batteries in his back pocket. A bell rings and then Mr. Krabs walks over to a pot of boiling water] Me hard-boiled egg is ready! [picks up a pair of tongs] I can already taste it. Come to Papa. [takes the egg out of the water with his tongs] Got ya! And what good is a hot-boiled egg without a little salt? [picks up a pinch of salt]
 * SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
 * Mr. Krabs: [breaks the egg and accidentally tosses the full salt shaker into his eyes] Ahhh! Oh, my eyes! [starts screaming]
 * SpongeBob: Mr... [Squidward puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth]
 * Squidward: Will you be quiet? Now listen, what did these robots in the movie look like?
 * SpongeBob: Well, they had piercing red eyes, metal pinchers for hands, and they ran on batteries.
 * Squidward: Okay, so tell me, does Mr. Krabs look anything like that?
 * Mr. Krabs: [Barges out screaming; his eyes are piercing red, his pair of the tongs snip, then it shows the batteries in his pocket]
 * SpongeBob & Squidward: [both screaming]
 * Mr. Krabs: [continues screaming as he goes into the bathroom]
 * Squidward: I'll evacuate the customers, you call the navy!
 * SpongeBob: [runs over to the phone] Hello, Operator? Get me the Navy!
 * Operator: Hello, you've reached the Navy's automated phone service.
 * SpongeBob: Squidward, the robots are running the Navy!
 * Squidward: Not the Navy! [over loudspeaker] Attention, everyone, run for your lives! Robots have taken over the world! [everyone is silent] Our world! [all the customers run out screaming] What do we do now?
 * SpongeBob: I don't know. [notices a nickel] Hey, a nickel! [he points at it]
 * Squidward: SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: Sorry.
 * Mr. Krabs: [walks out of the bathroom, his eyes back to normal] Ah, that's better. [walks back to his office]Bee-boo-boo-boo-bee-bop, boo-boo-bop.
 * Squidward: We need to find out what that robot did with the real Mr. Krabs, but how?
 * SpongeBob: Well, in the movie the hero teams up with a buddy, and they get the poop on the robot.
 * Squidward: They poop on the robot?
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, you know, they get the straight poop, ask questions, get information.
 * Squidward: I never thought I'd say this, but, SpongeBob, let's get that poop! [grabs the book titled How To Torture and reads it with SpongeBob. SpongeBob grabs some rope while Squidward grabs a hammer and a saw. SpongeBob also grabs some old comedy records. Scene cuts to Mr. Krabs' office, where SpongeBob & Squidward enter]
 * Mr. Krabs: Oh, hello, boys. [they are at the door with angry expressions on their faces] What can I do for you? [SpongeBob & Squidward lock the door, making Mr. Krabs look nervous] Heh-heh, why did you lock the door? [nervously] Why do you have that rope? Who's watching the cash register?! [shot of outside the Krusty Krab where loud crashing and everyone screaming can be heard. Back in the office, Squidward ties Mr. Krabs to a chair] SpongeBob! Squidward! What's the meaning of this?! Untie me this instant!
 * Squidward: Shut up! [slaps Mr. Krabs]
 * Mr. Krabs: Sweet Davy Jones, what the heck is going on?!
 * Squidward: I said "shut up!," you bucket of bolts! [slaps him again]
 * SpongeBob: I can't take it! [runs off, crying]
 * Squidward: SpongeBob, are you okay?
 * SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, seeing you slap Mr. Krabs like that is just too horrible to watch!
 * Squidward: No, that's not Mr. Krabs. That's Robot Krabs. [Mr. Krabs is trying to get out of his chair]
 * SpongeBob: Oh, yeah.
 * Squidward: And the only way to deal with these robot types is to find out what they know.
 * SpongeBob: Right. [runs up to Mr. Krabs and then slaps him]
 * Squidward: SpongeBob, you got to ask him a question first.
 * SpongeBob: Oh, yeah. What color is my underwear? [slaps him again]
 * Squidward: SpongeBob, let me handle this. [turns a light on Mr. Krabs] Where's Mr. Krabs?
 * Mr. Krabs: [confused] What are you talking about? I'm Mr. Krabs. [Squidward slaps him again]
 * Squidward: We can do this all night if you want. Where's Mr. Krabs?
 * Mr. Krabs: I'm Mr. Krabs.
 * SpongeBob: Where's Mr. Krabs?
 * Mr. Krabs: I'm Mr. Krabs.
 * Squidward: Where's Mr. Krabs?
 * Mr. Krabs: I am Mr. Krabs! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am!
 * SpongeBob: This is one stubborn robot.
 * Mr. Krabs: [confused, then angrily yells] What?! [his yelling knocks over the light and SpongeBob] You think I'm a robot?!
 * Squidward: We don't think; we know.
 * Mr. Krabs: That's the silliest thing I ever heard! I am Mr. Krabs!
 * Squidward: [walks over to SpongeBob] He's not cracking. We'll never get it out of him this way.
 * SpongeBob: I got an idea. [pokes Squidward's nose] Keep an eye on him, Squidward. Don't fall for any of his robot tricks. [runs out and returns later] If Robot Krabs won't tell us where Mr. Krabs is, maybe one of his little robot friends will. [holds up a blender]
 * Squidward: SpongeBob, uhh, that's a blender.
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, but I saw Mr. Krabs talking with his radio before. He called it his "little buddy."
 * Squidward: Oh, really? Put it on the table, SpongeBob.
 * Mr. Krabs: You're gonna interrogate my blender? You're crazy.
 * Squidward: We're just gonna see what your "little buddy" knows. [SpongeBob sets the blender on Mr. Krabs' desk. Squidward holds up a bat]
 * Mr. Krabs: [panicking] No, wait! What are you going to do with me blender?! That cost me money!
 * Squidward: Where's Mr. Krabs? [shot of the blender] Not talking, eh? [breaks the blender with the bat]
 * Mr. Krabs: No! That cost me $24.95!
 * SpongeBob: I guess it didn't know anything.
 * Squidward: Go get the toaster. [SpongeBob gets the toaster then puts it on Mr. Krabs' desk]
 * Mr. Krabs: No, not me toaster. That cost me $32.50! [Squidward breaks the toaster and then SpongeBob sets a food processor on the desk] $62.67! [Squidward breaks it with the bat. SpongeBob picks up a coffee maker and puts it on the desk] Four... well, actually, that one was a gift. [Squidward breaks it]Nooo!
 * SpongeBob: [while trying to put the cash register on Mr. Krabs' desk] This is the last robot, Squidward.
 * Mr. Krabs: No, not my cash register! I raised it myself. I got it when it was just a little calculator. [crying] No! [sobbing and then sobbing louder]
 * Squidward: I thought you said robots can't cry.
 * SpongeBob: I also said they couldn't love.
 * Mr. Krabs: [crying] I loved it like it was me own.
 * SpongeBob: Uh, at least he's not laughing.
 * Mr. Krabs: Oh, I remember the laughs we used to share! [sobbing]
 * Squidward: SpongeBob uhh, how did that movie of yours end?
 * SpongeBob: The movie? Oh, yeah! The ending was great! Turns out there weren't any robots after all. It was just their... [slows down, as he realizes his mistake] imagination. [chuckles nervously, timpani noise, as if he anticipates Squidward to be angry at him, then checks his watch] Hey, it's time to feed Gary. [runs out while Squidward smiles nervously at Mr. Krabs and then grabs a broom and sweeps the broken pieces on the floor. Mr. Krabs becomes infuriated]
 * Mr. Krabs: [growling. The background shakes] GRRRRRRRR...SQUIDWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!!!!

Karate Choppers

 * SpongeBob: [SpongeBob is lurking around, heading home, looking for Sandy because they are playing karate. He suspects the pineapple of being Sandy] Hi-yah! Oh, sorry, pineapple house. I thought you were someone else. [walks inside] Ah, what a great day at work. [hears something] Huh? Yeah... [tip toes over to the couch but makes duck sounds as he tip toes. He realizes he's been stepping on squeaky ducks, and in frustration, kicks them away. Then he runs in front of his couch] I know you're back there, Sandy! And I also know that nobody can hide from Sponge... [jumps behind the couch and no one is there] ...Bob. [has his back to the couch while he squeezes his eyes through the couch looking for Sandy. When he thinks he's spotted her, he runs out from behind the couch and in front of the TV] I got you now! Hi-yah! [no one is there so he sits on the couch and watches TV] Well, I guess the coast is clear.
 * TV: [shows a realistic pink and yellow fish] Yeah, shopping's weird. Did you ever go into the seafood aisle and say Who eats this stuff?" [TV audience and SpongeBob laugh]
 * SpongeBob: I love this show! [Sandy is sitting next to SpongeBob]
 * Sandy: Me too! [SpongeBob screams and begins to fight]
 * SpongeBob: Hi-yah! [Sandy puts on her green karate gear]
 * Sandy: Hi-yah! [SpongeBob high-kicks in slow-motion]
 * SpongeBob: Hi-yah! [Sandy runs off then drives forward but SpongeBob jumps his upper half of his body to avoid Sandy] Uhh, just a second. [runs off but returns with his red karate gear on] Safety first! [he winks] And now, spin technique! [spins around and lunges towards Sandy]
 * Sandy: Hi-yah! Yah. [SpongeBob grabs her hand and spins her around]
 * SpongeBob: Double overhand squirrel knot! [turns her into a round knot and throws her through the door like a bowling ball]
 * Sandy: I'm gonna get you tomorrow, SpongeBob!
 * SpongeBob: That'll be the day. [spins his arms and legs around. Pans over to nighttime at Sandy's treedome, when the phone rings]
 * Sandy: Hello? [SpongeBob's arm tries to karate chop Sandy but Sandy takes SpongeBob's hand and puts it through the phone to karate chop himself] Nice try, SpongeBrain! [hangs up phone. Later, at Barg N Mart, Sandy is shopping when a box of Kelpo falls. She thinks it's SpongeBob so she gets in her karate stance] Yah! [notices the box of Kelpo] Heh, silly me. [But when she walks a few more steps, SpongeBob is there in his karate gear]
 * SpongeBob: Hey Sandy, have you ever heard the one about the squirrel and the tin cans?
 * Sandy: I don't think so.
 * SpongeBob: Well, it goes like this! [stretches his arm to ricochet off a shelf and the ceiling to come at Sandy] Oh wait, I forgot the punch line. [His arm stops right before hitting Sandy] Oh, yeah! [hits the loose board on the floor, sending Sandy into a pile of tin cans] That's a good one, isn't it? [later, SpongeBob is walking down the road] What a beautiful day. Beautiful sky. Beautiful plants. Hi plants. Beautiful... [sees a pile of tin cans on the ground] pile of cans? Mmm, mmm, Sandy, that is your worst disguise yet. [He puts on karate gear]
 * Sandy: No it's not, SpongeBob. [shows him a squirrel mask] This is! [jumps in front of SpongeBob] Now, prepare for a long, merciless whooping! [grabs SpongeBob's tongue and takes out a bottle of hot sauce]Mmmm, my favorite.
 * [SpongeBob whimpers in fear as a drop of hot sauce hangs over the edge of the bottle and Tom Kenny's face appears on the drop]
 * Volcano Sauce Drop: Eheheheheheh! [cut to SpongeBob's confused face, and then back to the Volcano Sauce Drop] By the powers of naughtiness, I command this particular drop of hot sauce to be really... really ... Hot!
 * [SpongeBob gasps.]
 * SpongeBob: Sandy! Wait! Victory is yours.
 * Sandy: I knew you'd come to your senses, SpongeBob.
 * [Sandy drinks the bottle of hot sauce. While she is doing this, SpongeBob takes out his tongue revealing a label that says "Novelty Toy" and he wraps the fake tongue she was holding and around her and spins her]
 * SpongeBob: Yah.
 * [Sandy karate chops SpongeBob far away]
 * Sandy: Hi-yah!
 * SpongeBob: Curses! [Now at the Krusty Krab the line is very long]
 * Customer: With extra cheese. To go!
 * Squidward: Three patties, four large oyster skins, on the double, SpongeBob! [SpongeBob is still wearing his karate gear]
 * SpongeBob: Oh yeah. Gotcha! [SpongeBob opens a door]
 * Squidward: SpongeBob!
 * SpongeBob: What? [karate chops Squidward's face]
 * Squidward: I'm going to pretend that didn't happen. [throws two pieces of paper at SpongeBob] Now fill these orders or leave, SpongeBob. We're very busy today! [SpongeBob runs out of the kitchen with tray of patties in his hands]
 * SpongeBob: Order up. [stops as he sees a customer karate chopping a fly. The customer turns into Sandy who is in her gear and winks at SpongeBob]
 * Squidward: SpongeBob! Now are you gonna... [SpongeBob throws the tray backwards at Squidward, causing the Krabby Patties to land on Squidward's head]
 * Mr. Krabs: Oh, Squidward. I was going through some records back in me office and. Huh? So, you got the hairpiece after all.
 * SpongeBob: Hi-yah!
 * Fred: My leg! [under the floor]
 * SpongeBob: Thought you could sneak up on me at work, did ya? Well, you can't! Cause I'm fast, I'm mean, and I can do this! [does something with his hands] Ssss! [Points at Fred then walks backwards] Took care of her, yes I did. [bumps into Mr. Krabs] Oh, ahoy, sir!
 * Mr. Krabs: What was that?
 * SpongeBob: But sir, she snuck up on me. In my own dojo.
 * Mr. Krabs: Are you on some new allergy medication, boy?
 * SpongeBob: No, sir. Just practicing my karate, sir. Or kara-tay, as some call it.
 * Mr. Krabs: Kara-tay? You should be making me money-ay! With your spatu-lae! Now get back to work.
 * SpongeBob: Aye aye, capi-tay. Nice hairpiece, Squidward. [he walks off. Later, at closing time, Squidward is mopping the floor]
 * Squidward: SpongeBob, did you get those bathrooms mopped yet? [SpongeBob is staring at his hands]
 * SpongeBob: Yes, ma'am. I mean, sir. I mean, boss. I mean, poobah!
 * [Squidward lets out a frustrated yell. Then, SpongeBob walks into the bathroom with a mop and a bucket in hand. He hears a sneeze, so he opens a door but nobody is there]
 * SpongeBob: Hah! [opens the next stall door and jumps in it] Sandy! [Mr. Krabs walks out of the stall with SpongeBob in his hand]
 * Mr. Krabs: No more.
 * SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs.[Mr. Krabs grabs a hold of SpongeBob's mouth]
 * Mr. Krabs: Shh! No more of this karate stuff, lad. Or you're fired. [lets go of his mouth and walks away]
 * SpongeBob: [high-pitched voice] Fired? [walks out] No more karate? How am I gonna tell Sandy?
 * Sandy: Hi-yah! [jumps at SpongeBob and starts karate chopping him]
 * SpongeBob: Sandy, wait! I can't. Mr. Krabs said I have to give up karate.
 * Sandy: [stops] Uh-huh. Sure, SpongeBob. [Sandy karate chops him again]
 * SpongeBob: No, no. Really, Sandy. Stop.
 * Sandy: [stops] I'm not falling for it, SpongeBob! [karate chops him even more]
 * SpongeBob: No, really! Please, stop! [Mr. Krabs looks out the window]
 * Mr. Krabs: What the? [walks outside] SpongeBob! [SpongeBob screams]
 * SpongeBob: Ahh, Mr. Krabs!
 * Mr. Krabs: What did I just get through telling ye, lad?
 * SpongeBob: But I uhh, she...
 * Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you're fired!
 * Sandy: Huh?
 * SpongeBob: [high-pitched voice] Fired? [face gets smaller until it's not there anymore]
 * Mr. Krabs: Eh?
 * Sandy: SpongeBob? [SpongeBob's face reappears and he then bursts out crying and runs everywhere] Wait, Mr. Krabs, it's not his fault. It's it's mine. He tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen. [SpongeBob is crying into a cup and drinking his tears. Now he's flipping over and over around Sandy and Mr. Krabs] Give him another chance, please?
 * Mr. Krabs: Hmmm. [grabs SpongeBob as he runs] Alright, me boy, I'll give you a second chance. But no more karate. It's poisoning your mind. [sniffs Sandy] Mmm, mammals. [walks off]
 * Sandy: Aww, shoot, SpongeBob. I guess you ain't fibbing. [she and SpongeBob sigh] Aww, that game was getting old anyway. It's not fun anymore. I mean, what's so fun about [karate chops SpongeBob] this?
 * SpongeBob: [laughs then suddenly stops] Nothing. Nothing is fun about that at all!
 * Sandy: We can find something to do that's almost nine times as fun.
 * SpongeBob: We can? I mean, sure we can. Yeah! Like we can, uhh. [picks up a rock] We can squeeze things! [squeezes the rock and drops it] Woo! How much fun was that?
 * Sandy: Almost some.
 * SpongeBob: I know! We can act like plants. [lies on the ground and opens and closes his legs and arms]Photosynthesis. Photosynthesis.
 * Sandy: Wanna go to the park? [SpongeBob and Sandy are at the park. SpongeBob is holding a basket in one hand]
 * SpongeBob: Karate sure is dumb.
 * Sandy: Yeah, you can say that again.
 * SpongeBob: I feel dumb just thinking about it. [puts the basket down] Duuuuh! I'm stuuuupiiid! I like karaaateee! Doyeee!
 * Sandy: You like what?
 * SpongeBob: Not karate.
 * Sandy: Ha! I don't even know what that is.
 * SpongeBob: Me too. I don't know what anything is! In fact...
 * Fisherman: [casting off his fishing rod] Hi-yah! Hi-yah!
 * SpongeBob: [giggles] For a second that sounded like.
 * Sandy: Karate?
 * SpongeBob: Right now? I mean, no! What is this karate? [opens up the basket] Uhh, what do you want on your sandwich?
 * Sandy: Karate.
 * SpongeBob: What did you say?
 * Sandy: Uhh, mustard. Mustard! I want mustard on my sandwich. [takes out some mustard] There we go. [SpongeBob pulls out some barnacle loaf]
 * SpongeBob: How many slices of barnacle loaf do you want?
 * Sandy: One. Just one.
 * SpongeBob: One for you! [karate chops a slice off]
 * Sandy: Hmmm?
 * SpongeBob: And one for me! [chops off another slice in slow-motion]
 * Sandy: Ohh, uhh, SpongeBob?
 * SpongeBob: Hmm?
 * Sandy: Maybe just one more. Uhh, I'm kinda hungry.
 * [SpongeBob brings out the barnacle loaf again]
 * SpongeBob: Sure thing, Sandy. [lifts up his hand]
 * Sandy: SpongeBob?
 * SpongeBob: Yeah?
 * Sandy: Do you think, umm do you think I could cut this one?
 * SpongeBob: Uhh, sure.
 * Sandy: Thanks. Hi-yah! [chops one slice] Is that enough?
 * SpongeBob: Maybe just one more. Or two!
 * Sandy: Or three!
 * SpongeBob: Or 10!
 * Sandy: 10! Yes, 10! Because we're really hungry!
 * SpongeBob: Right!
 * Sandy: Right!
 * SpongeBob: Right!
 * Sandy: Right! [chops off more slices and they fly everywhere]
 * SpongeBob: Time for buns! [throws a bunch of buns in the air and chops them in half]
 * Sandy: How about some tomatoes?
 * SpongeBob: And I'll cut the cheese! [both throw the cheese and tomatoes in the air while chopping them into a bunch of slices that land on the patties]
 * Sandy: And, what else should we slice? [SpongeBob grabs more buns]
 * SpongeBob: More buns!
 * Sandy: [Sandy grabs two heads of lettuce] And lettuce!
 * Both: Yeah! [both slice up more food to complete their Krabby Patties and one of the buns lands on an earthworm]
 * SpongeBob: Phew. Making sandwiches sure is fun. Right, Sandy? [Sandy has a dazed look on her face] Right? I guess I'll eat one now. [reaches for a patty but Sandy karate chops his arm with her green foam hand]
 * Sandy: You're mince meat!
 * SpongeBob: [in his red karate gear] In your dreams! Hi-yah! [both start to karate chop each other. Later, Mr. Krabs is walking through the park carrying an umbrella]
 * Mr. Krabs: Huh? What the barnacle? [Everything in the park is chopped in half. Sandy is chopping wood while SpongeBob rests on a rock]
 * SpongeBob: Do you think Mr. Krabs ever does karate? [Mr. Krabs clears his throat to get SpongeBob's attention. SpongeBob screams] Mr. Krabs! [tries to hold a tree back in one piece] Uhh, hey Mr. Krabs, hows it going? [holds the rock in one piece] Nice day, huh? [half of the tree falls on SpongeBob's head] Oh, alright, Mr. Krabs. You caught me. But you know what? I just can't help myself. You're just gonna have to fire me.
 * Mr. Krabs: Fire you? [grabs a couple Krabby Patties] I've got something else in mind. [at the Krusty Krab, SpongeBob and Sandy are karate chopping up Krabby Patties for the customers. Sandy is chopping up the meat and SpongeBob is chopping up the mustard]
 * Sandy: I love karate!
 * SpongeBob: I love kara-tay!
 * Mr. Krabs: I love money-ay! [He holds some money]
 * Squidward: I hate all of you. [cut to black] 

Fools in April

 * [the episode begins with Gary snoring and meowing]
 * SpongeBob: Wake up, Gary.
 * Gary: [wakes up] Meow?
 * SpongeBob: We're moving today!
 * Gary: [quizzically] Meow?
 * SpongeBob: Yes,That's right! We're leaving home. We're going to become peasants! [puts on a hat and mustache]
 * Gary: Meow.
 * SpongeBob: [He takes away Gary's bowl] No more food. [gives Gary a plate with clams on it] Sorry, Gary. Peasants only eat mashed-up clamshells. [sprinkles some salt on the shells. Gary starts crying] April Fools! [takes off the outfit and puts Gary's food bowl back onto the floor] There ya go, pal!
 * Gary: Meow. [eats]
 * SpongeBob: [goes into the kitchen] Whew, I'm thirsty! [takes a big glass of lemonade out of the fridge] MALE VOICE: This is an extreme thirst! [sets the lemonade down on the floor; bubble transition to him putting all the lemonade into a lot of small glasses with umbrellas]
 * SpongeBob: Whew, I'm exhausted. I sure can't wait to drink all of these drinks! April Fools! [holds up a mirror] To me! [laughs obnoxiously and walks outside and towards work. Squidward sees him]
 * Squidward: What's he so happy about? [walks by the calendar and notices it's April Fools Day. He panics] April 1st? [screams] April Fools Day is SpongeBob's favorite holiday! [puts a heating pad on his head and dials the number for the Krusty Krab] Mr. Krabs, I can't come in today. I caught something terrible.
 * Mr. Krabs: [over phone] What'd you catch?
 * Squidward: I caught sight of the calendar.
 * Mr. Krabs: Oh, hold on Squidward, there's someone here to see you. He says he's from the Barnacle Bay Art Museum and he wants to honor you as artist of the month.
 * [Squidward runs to the Krusty Krab with an artist uniform on]
 * Squidward: I have arrived. [SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs laugh] What's so funny? Where's the art dealer?
 * [SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs laugh more]
 * Mr. Krabs: You just missed him.
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, but he told us to tell you...
 * Squidward: Tell me what?
 * SpongeBob: [whispers into Squidward's ear] He told me to tell you...April Fools.
 * Squidward: [lays his hat on the table] Well, it's been nice working here. [he walks off] Thanks for everything, Mr. Krabs.
 * SpongeBob: Squidward, wait!
 * Squidward: Just send my last check to the P.O. box, Mr. Krabs!
 * SpongeBob: Wait, Squidward! [grabs Squidward's legs] It was just a joke! No more jokes on you today, I promise!
 * Squidward: You do?
 * SpongeBob: Sure, there are lots of other willing participants. Right, Mr. Krabs?
 * [Mr. Krabs sits on a whoopee cushion and it "farts". SpongeBob laughs]
 * Squidward: Well, as long as it's not me.
 * [bubble transition to SpongeBob carrying a tray of burger patties when an old lady comes by]
 * Cora: Excuse me, could you tell me where the forks are?
 * SpongeBob: They're right here, lady! [leads her to the utensils]
 * Cora: [picks up a spoon] But this is a spoon.
 * SpongeBob: April Fools! [laughs; Squidward stares at SpongeBob and he runs away. Bubble transition to SpongeBob behind the register. A customer comes up to him] Welcome to the Krusty Krab. How may I help you?
 * Nat: [raises up his left arm] Yeah, give me two large fries and a Jumbo Krabby Patty.
 * SpongeBob: [points at something] Hey, what's that?
 * [Nat turns around. SpongeBob turns around and has a smiley face on his back]
 * Nat: Well, I didn't see anything. [notices that SpongeBob is gone] Hey, where'd that other guy go?
 * [SpongeBob turns around]
 * SpongeBob: April Fools! I'm right here!
 * Nat: [laughs] Hey, that was pretty good.
 * [SpongeBob laughs obnoxiously. Squidward notices SpongeBob behind the register]
 * Squidward: What are you doing behind the counter?
 * [Bubble transition to SpongeBob wiping the floor. Tom comes by with a cup of soda]
 * Tom: Excuse me, can I get a couple of ice cubes in here, please?
 * SpongeBob: Sure! A couple of ice cubes coming up! [fills the cup with ice and comes back whistling]Here you go.
 * Tom: Thanks. [he takes a sip of his drink. SpongeBob titters and Tom looks at him but SpongeBob stops before Tom turns around] Huh? [SpongeBob is silent, so Tom takes another sip of his drink. SpongeBob starts giggling again and then Tom turns around and looks at him, but SpongeBob stops before he turns around] Huh? [SpongeBob is silent, so Tom finishes his drink] Ah.
 * SpongeBob: [laughs loudly and obnoxiously] April Fools! [Tom grabs SpongeBob by the collar, suddenly panicked]
 * Tom: What did you do to my drink?!
 * SpongeBob: I... [giggles] I... [giggles]
 * Tom: You what?!?!
 * SpongeBob: You asked for a couple of ice cubes in your drink, and I only put in one! [laughs]
 * Tom: I guess that is pretty funny. [laughs as he walks off]
 * SpongeBob: [laughs so hard his tongue pops off] Hey, your shoes untied. [tongue looks down] April Fools! You're not wearing shoes! [laughs and hugs his tongue, which smiles. Then they laugh into the microphone. Everyone hears it. In the kitchen, Squidward tries to mute the sound with tissues but he can still hear it] April Fools! [Squidward drops a plate]
 * Squidward: That does it! SpongeBob and his stupid pranks! I'm going to show him what a real prank is all about! [bubble transition to him squirting some mustard inside a rope circle then he chuckles and shows SpongeBob the mess]
 * SpongeBob: Oh boy! Something for me to clean up! [starts cleaning it and Squidward is standing next to a rope which he is about to cut]
 * Squidward: April Fools! [laughs as he cuts the rope which grabs SpongeBob]
 * SpongeBob: Whooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!! [the rope sends him into a bag of flour. Squidward is laughing through all of this. Then SpongeBob is taken around a bar] Whoa! Blblblblblblblblblblblbl... [screams as he is sent into a wall]
 * All except Squidward: Oh, no.
 * [Squidwards eyes pop out as he laughs. SpongeBob screams and flies into Bubble Bass's rear]
 * SpongeBob: Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [we see Squidward cheerleading, laughing, and jumping into the air. Then SpongeBob smashes into the ceiling]
 * Squidward: [runs and holds out his arms to catch SpongeBob] Ill catch you, SpongeBob! [he giggles to himself. SpongeBob screams and almost lands in Squidward's arms, but before he does, Squidward sets out a garbage can in front of him, and SpongeBob falls into the goop in the garbage can] Whoops. [dumps SpongeBob, who is now the shape of the can, out of the garbage can] April Fools, you little sausage! [he laughs. SpongeBob cries hysterically and runs out of the Krusty Krab] SpongeBob! I was just kidding! Cmon, cmon. You all know I was just kidding… right?
 * Lloyd: Aww, man, poor kid.
 * Shubie: That guy has definitely got some issues to work out. [Everyone looks angry at Squidward and leaves]
 * Tom: April Fools, jerk.
 * Squidward: Wait, don't go!
 * Man: Hey, you stink!
 * Squidward: Wait, wait, it was a joke! Uh huh... [looks around at the mess he has made of SpongeBob and winces. Then he looks at Bubble Bass who have a hole in his bottom due to the "prank" and Squidward gets angry with himself] Why is it whenever I'm having fun, it's wrong? I didn't mean to make him cry. I guess this means I'd better tell SpongeBob I'm sor-eaach. [makes silly face] Huh? I guess this means I'd better apolo- [throat goes haywire] gii! This is gonna be tougher than I thought. [bubble transition to Squidward going to SpongeBob's pineapple. He knocks on SpongeBob's door] SpongeBob? Uh, SpongeBob, come out! I've got something to tell you! SpongeBob? [notices a Krusty Krab hat and goes over there to talk to the man who is wearing it] Uhh, I was thinking about today and uh… and it just seems that I may owe you some sort of… This isn't something I normally do so, listen carefully SpongeBob, because I am about to tell you that I am... [notices that the guy with the hat on is Patrick] Patrick? What are you doing here?
 * Patrick: Digging.
 * Squidward: Why are you wearing that hat?
 * Patrick: Hmm, I don't know. [takes off the hat]
 * Squidward: [growls] Where's SpongeBob?
 * Patrick: He's in the house. He's impressed.
 * Squidward: With what?
 * Patrick: I don't know, but it must have been pretty good to make him cry like that.
 * Squidward: [shivers then goes back to SpongeBob's house] SpongeBob, SpongeBob, let me in there! [tries to turn the handle but SpongeBob's arm comes from under the door and pulls it inside. Squidward grabs his clarinet] SpongeBob, you'd better let me in there! I don't want to have to use this! [plays clarinet horribly. SpongeBob opens the door]
 * SpongeBob: What do you want?
 * Squidward: SpongeBob, I just wanted to say that I'm sorr-yyyy. [sticks out tongue while talking]
 * SpongeBob: What?
 * Squidward: I'm trying to say I'm [turns into a donkey and starts braying] hee-haw-hee-haw!
 * SpongeBob: What?
 * Squidward: I'm just trying to say that I'm... [head explodes] There's gotta be an easier way to do this. [bubble transition to Squidward writing a note. He puts it in a bottle and rolls it to SpongeBob where he picks it up] Well, arent you going to open it?
 * SpongeBob: I can't, I don't have a bottle opener. [Squidward hands SpongeBob a can and Squidward drives to the other side of the road]
 * Squidward: SpongeBob, I'm... [whispers into the can. Puts the can up to his ear but hears some sort of noise. Patrick is flossing his teeth. Squidward throws the binoculars down on the ground] SpongeBob, all I am trying to say is that I am... [waves tentacles in the air and bubbles form. Puts a big bubble on his head and then talks] ...sorry. [pops the bubble] There you go.
 * SpongeBob: But I couldn't... [Squidward slams the door in his face]
 * Squidward: I don't care! I said it! My conscience is clear! [walks away. Then an image of Patrick appears in the air]
 * Patrick: It must have been pretty good to make him cry like that. [Squidward continues walking and runs into a ghost image of a guy at the Krusty Krab]
 * Tom: April Fools, jerk. [runs again but this time his mother appears]
 * Squid's Mom: [man voice] You stink!
 * Squidward: Mother? [runs back to SpongeBob's house to apologize] All right, all right! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I admit it, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you, in fact SpongeBob, I like you! I like living next door, I like hearing your foghorn alarm in the morning and your high-pitched giggling at night! I also like Gary, Patrick, Sandy, Mr. Krabs, and all the other people I'm forced to be in contact with! And, and, and... [SpongeBob opens the door slightly]
 * SpongeBob: Squidward! Is all that true?
 * Squidward: Yes, SpongeBob. Yes, it's all true.
 * SpongeBob: Even the part about the lima beans and the car chase?
 * Squidward: What the...? Yes, whatever! But you have to promise not to tell anybody.
 * SpongeBob: I promise.
 * Squidward: Really? [SpongeBob opens the door all the way, revealing the citizens of Bikini Bottom inside]
 * All: April Fools!
 * Squidward: [twitches eye] April Fools! You're right, April Fools! I just fooled you all! [laughs hysterically while going back into his house]
 * SpongeBob: What would we do without Squidward? [cut to black, episode ends]