Kitchen Nightmares Before Christmas / How I Met Your Mummy

(Segment begins at the Big Time TV Network studios.)

Arthur Smith: Okay, gang! We need something scary to air on Halloween! We need another Gordon Ramsay series!

(Patrica Llewellyn and Kent Weed agree on the idea. Not Chef Gordon, though...)

Chef Gordon Ramsay: Ugh, ANOTHER ONE? Haven't we beaten this to death already?!

Kent Weed: Well, let's see, you're mean on Mondays and Wednesdays, angry on Tuesdays and Thursdays and despicable on Fridays and Saturdays. We need something on Sunday - preferably vicious!

Chef Gordon Ramsay: Ugh, but I'm so tired of it all. (Singing) I feel an emptiness in my core...

Kent Weed: Is he singing?

Chef Gordon Ramsay: (Singing) A twinge until now I have ignored...

Patricia Llewellyn: Funny how his singing voice sounds nothing like his speaking voice.

Chef Gordon Ramsay: (Singing) The yelling has brought me fame and money, but I'd give it all up for some variety. (Accidentally falls into trapdoor poster) AAAAAHHH!!!

Kent Weed: We can afford a trapdoor poster?

Arthur Smith: We can if this new show gets picked up!

Patricia Llewellyn: What show?

(Title Card: Kitchen Nightmares Before Christmas)

(Gordon Ramsay goes into Halloween Town.)

Chef Gordon Ramsay: (Singing)

What's THAT?! Tastes like 'RAT! '

You call that ''a mummy wrap? It's '''CRAP! '

And those pancakes are remotely even flat!

And THAT makes me vomit in your lap!

I can't believe you tried to serve this from a 'VAA-AAT! '

What's THAT?!?!

I was tired of the same stuff, but along came Frankenstein!

He cooked a simple side dish, but IT TASTES LIKE A BEHIND!

These creatures are disgusting, they fill me full of dread!

But mainly for their cooking, all because they don't have HEAAAAAAAAADS...

What's THAT?! A SNAKE??!! IT'S FALLING OFF THE PLATE!

I HATE when Rigor Mortis comes too late!

''And WAIT! The garlic isn't straight 'cause your faith now that I hate you DECIMATE YOU!''

''I feel alive when I critisize these ugly creatures with 8 eyes! Have I died?!''

(Gordon bumps into the way to Halloween Town.)

Chef Gordon Ramsay: "Halloween Town", huh? Even better.

(Scene goes to Jack Skellington's house. The Mayor arrives.)

Mayor: Jack! Jack! I have some bad news! There's someone new in town and he's just as scary as you!

Jack Skellington: What? Not possible! Can he pull his head off like THIS?

Mayor: No.

Jack Skellington: Do his eyes shoot fire like THIS?

Mayor: No.

Jack Skellington: Then what makes him so scary?

Mayor: He's... honest.

Jack Skellington: (Gasps) That IS scary. Better sneak over and have a look.

Mayor: No need. It's being broadcast on Channel 9!

(The Mayor turns on Channel 9.)

Chef Gordon Ramsay: You call this head "well-done"?!?! IT'S STILL BLINKING, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!! Put it back in the furnace!!

Zombie: Yes, chef.

Chef Gordon Ramsay: Where's the Eye of Newt?! WHERE'S THE EYE OF NEWT?!?!?

Cyclops: I think we're out!

Chef Gordon Ramsay: Oh, you think you're out, do you?! THEN USE YOUR OWN GOOFY EYE!!! [Smacks eye out] Now get out of here you no-talent--

Werewolf: AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooh, that's harsh!

Chef Gordon Ramsay: You call this skin "blankie"?! WHAT ARE YOU, THE CREEPBURY DOUGHBOY?!?! 

Oogie Boogie: Heh-heh-heh-heh.

Chef Gordon Ramsay: Oh, you find that funny, eh?! Giggle on THIS, doughboy! (POW!) Come on, giggle! (POW!) Giggle! (POW!) Giggle! (POW!) Giggle! (POW!) Giggle! (POW!) Giggle--

Imp: He's so scary!

Chef Gordon Ramsay: Hello! BRAINS MUST BE SERVED COLD!!!

Jack Skellington: WAIT JUST A MOMENT!

(Jack Skellington arrives.)

Crowd: Jack!

Chef Gordon Ramsay: Great! The waitstopper's here! (Hands over a bottle.) Bring this to table 6!

Jack Skellington: Not so fast. So, you're the new kid in town, huh? Think you can just spice up your life by coming on my turf? Well, I've got one question for you: What's your career advice? I'm bored outta my mind down here!

Chef Gordon Ramsay: Hmm, let's see. A scary, soulless ghoul with the talent of frightening people? I may have just the thing. (Calls somebody on phone)

Jack Skellington [replacing Arthur Smith at his job]: Okay, gang! I'm in charge of TV programming now, and I say tonight's lineup is gonna be a '''SCREAM! [Rips Kent Weed and Patricia Llewellyn's heads off, showing their skulls] '''HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!

Bobby Wallace: Trick or Treat!

Woman: Awww! Look at you! You're a scary skeleton!

Fred: I got him!

Shaggy: Like, great work Fred!

Daphne: You captured the Sidewalk Skeleton!

Fred: But he's not really a skeleton at all! He's really…

Mystery, Inc. gang: Little Bobby Wallace?!

Velma: Looks like little Bobby was scaring people into giving him candy by dressing up as a skeleton.

Woman: Of course he was! It's Halloween! Y-you can't just…

Fred: Look, gang!

Bobby Wallace: Ah!

Fred: It's the Lawn Witch! Get her!

Mary Williams: Aaaaaaaaah!

Velma: Nice try, evil witch! Or should I say...Mary Williams from the Old Williams' House?!

Mary Williams: I just wanted to Trick or Treat!

Shaggy: Look, it's the Grim Reaper!

Scooby: Let's get him!

Announcer: The Scooby-Doo Gang, Ruining Halloween since 1969!

Waiter: Okay, bacon and eggs with a side of ghost.

Ghost:(wailing)

Mother: Uh, I'm pretty sure I ordered toast.

Waiter: Oh. Sorry, Herb

Ghost: D'oh.

Waiter: You'd be shocked how often I make that mistake.Now (pulls out devil legs) Who ordered the devil's legs?

Mother: Let's not eat here anymore.

(The scene begins with two children walking to Ted)

Ted: Come closer, children, and I will tell you a ghoulish tale of... (turns on light) How I Met Your Mummy!

(Title card: How I Met Your Mummy)

Ted: It all began one night at our favorite hangout.

Barney: I'm telling you, man! You've gotta get out there on the DATING SCENE! You gotta meet somebody!

Ted: Yeh! I'm gonna take Love Advice from a Guy in a Cape.

Lily and Marshall: (Laughing)

Barney: Hey! Ladies love the Cape. Watch and learn. (Turns to a Bat)

Barney: Hey there. How's it goin'?

Robin: AAH! A Bat! (Hits Barney with her pocket book)

Health Inspector: Flying rodents near the Kitchen?! (Smacks an F Poster on the A Poster) Hmph!

Lily: Trust Me! You will meet the Right Girl. Take Marshall for example he's the Man of my Dreams

Marshall: GWRRRR!

Lily: Of course, I created him out of my Favorite Parts of all this, Boyfriends but...

Ted: Agh! It's hopeless!

Ted: And then she walked into my Life.

Aunt Susan: Hey I'm sorry to take you Bat Friend away, we have some Rats in the Kitchen.

Ted: And that's how I met.... your Aunt Susan.

Werewolf Son: Wait! You said this is a Story about how you met our Mummy!

Ted: I'm getting to that! Sheesh! The Show is Fast enough as it is!

Ted: See the next Night, Barney convinced me to go out in a Double Date with him.

Ted, Barney, and Two-Headed Mosnter: RROOOOAAARRRRRR!

Villagers: AAAAAHHHHHH!

(The villagers cet chased by Barney, and the girl watches villagers and discovers Ted)

Ted: RAARRRARR!

Girl: AAAHH!

Barney: Man! I love terrorizing Villagers! (Turns back to Human), having' fun Ladies?

Left Head: OK!

Right Head: I Guess?

Villagers: GRRR! Get them! Kill, Kill, Kill!

(Barney turns into a bat and flies away, the Two-Headed Monster runs away, and Ted opens the tomb and runs away.)

Ted's Dentist: Someone in here?

Ted: RAAAHHHH!

Ted's Dentist: AAAHHH!

Mummy Daughter: Is that how you met our Mummy?

Ted: What? No! That's how I met my Dentist. She's very Good. Also a Mummy.

Werewolf Son: But You said....

Ted: I'm getting to that!

Ted: The next day, I was at the DMV. (Wallet falls out)

Mummy at DMV: You dropped your wallet.

Ted: And that's... how I got my Driver's License. Nice Photo huh?

Werewolf Son: Dad! That's wasn't even a Story!

Mummy Daughter: And why does the story of How I Met Your Mummy involve so many unrelated Mummies?

Mummy Mother: Hey kids, what are you doing?

Ted: Oh.. I'm just telling the Kids the Story of How We Met.

Mummy Mother: Oh, you mean when I was working at the vet and you came in becuase you kept scratching your butt on the carpet.

(Werwolf Son and Mummy Daughter get disgusted)

Ted: And that's why I was taking my time. (becomes angry)