The Wrong Stuff


 * (The episode starts in T.U.F.F. headquarters, where a "welcome back" party is being held)


 * Dudley Puppy: (in a robe) "Whoa! A welcome back party? All I did was take a nap in the conference room. You shouldn't have."


 * Kitty Katswell: "We didn't. The party's for my old partner Jack Rabbit. He's stopping by for a visit. (points to framed photos of Jack Rabbit)


 * The Chief: "Before he retired, Jack was the best agent T.U.F.F. ever had."


 * Dudley Puppy: "Sometimes I dream I'm the best agent T.U.F.F. ever had. In fact, I just had that dream in the conference room." (points to conference room) "Then I dreamt I was playing checkers with a snake! I double jumped him, and he bit me!"


 * (lights are shut; agents in the background are taken aback)


 * The Chief: "That's Jack now!"


 * (Keswick appears in a parody of the James Bond gun barrel scene complete with theme music, then runs off to make room for Jack Rabbit's silhouette)


 * Jack Rabbit: (a dashing, tuxedo-wearing yellow rabbit with a Sean Connery-esque accent) "Greetings. The name's Rabbit, Jack Rabbit. (teeth sparkle, causing some workers T.U.F.F. to collapse in adoration)


 * (Jack turns off his cufflink theme music)


 * The Chief: "Great entrance Jack, welcome back!"


 * Jack: "Hold that thought Chief."


 * The Chief: "Actually uh, I was done."


 * Jack: "Well, you were almost done for. Some fiend has planted a bomb in this bomb-shaped paperweight. (throws bomb out the window; explodes in the distance)


 * Everyone: (cheering) "Yay Jack!"


 * Jack: "And what's more, that vending machine happens to be your archenemy, the Chameleon!" (aims blaster at Chameleon, who shape shifts back into his regular form)


 * The Chameleon: (nervously clapping) "Bravo Jack Rabbit. You got me again. (handcuffs himself) Since I know resisting you is futile, I will now escort myself to prison, the big house, the slammer, the hoosegow.


 * (everyone continues to cheer for Jack)


 * Kitty: (somewhat dreamily) "See Dudley, I told you Jack was amazing."


 * Dudley: (somewhat jealous) "Not so fast Kitty. My bloodhound nose tells me the Chameleon hasn't left. (driving a laser tank) "He's actually turned himself into the Chief's bowling trophy." (trophy is vaporized into a smoldering black pile of ash by laser) "Oops, not the Chameleon."


 * The Chief: "Nooo!" (on his knees) "Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to roll a bowling ball?!"


 * Jack: (approaches Kitty) "Kitty, oh it's good to see you again." (takes Kitty for a little dance by spinning her around)


 * Kitty: "You too Jack, you look great!"


 * Dudley: (*cough* attention grabbing *cough*)


 * Kitty: "Oh, right. Jack, this is my new partner, Dudley."
 * Dudley: (boastfully) "Just so you know, I've got my own theme music too." (pulls out boombox and presses play)
 * (gramophone music plays, to be interrupted by a recording) 
 * Peg Puppy: "Dudley, take out the trash! And stop playing my records!"
 * Dudley: "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"


 * (Jack and Kitty stare at Dudley awkwardly)


 * Dudley: (embarrassed) "Soooooo... uh, what brings you back to T.U.F.F.?"


 * Jack: "I've come out of retirement to start my own secret agency. It's called S.T.U.F.F." (pulls out business card and shows it to Kitty) "That's the Super Turbo Undercover Fighting Force." (smiling) "And I've come to recruit the best secret agent I know."


 * Dudley: (smug) "Thanks, but I already have a job."


 * Jack: "No dusty, I was talking about Kitty." (to Kitty) "With your vast knowledge of T.U.F.F.'s secret crime-fighting techniques, you'd be perfect for S.T.U.F.F"


 * Kitty: "Wow, I'm really flattered. We always did make a great team, but I'm happy working at T.U.F.F."


 * Jack: "Well, at least let me take you to lunch. We can go to our old stomping ground."


 * Kitty: (dreamily) "You mean that Italian place?"


 * Jack: "No, it's a new restaurant called "Our Old Stomping Ground". (plays cufflink theme music, takes Kitty by the arm and shoots a grappling hook gun to escape via a opening that appears in the ceiling)


 * Keswick: (looks up) "Wooooow."


 * Dudley: "Something about that guy rubs me the wrong way."


 * Keswick: "Are you sure you're not just je..je...jealous 'cause he's more charming, handsome, successful? I'm sorry, he's so dreamy I lost my point. (chuckles)


 * Dudley: "He's trying to woo Kitty away from T.U.F.F. Without her, I'd be lost!" (calls out) "Hey Kitty, where am I?!"


 * Kitty: (from above) "Snack room!"


 * Dudley: (shouting) "Thanks!" (to Keswick) "See?! We're going undercover to see what this Jack Rabbit is up to."


 * Keswick: "Can I wear my ninja pants?"
 * Dudley: "Go for it. And I'll crank up some undercover theme music." (brings out boombox and presses play)
 * Peg: "Dudley, it's bath night! Get in the tub!"
 * Dudley: "DO YOU EVER SLEEP?!?!?"


 *  (scene changes to Dudley driving in a vehicle, with Keswick sitting to his left) 


 * Dudley: "Keswick, I'm not so sure you picked the best undercover vehicle."


 * Keswick: "Trust me, no one will ever notice us in this baby."


 * (screaming kids chase the ice cream truck Dudley is driving; he arrives at the "Old Stomping Ground")


 * Dudley: (looks through binoculars at Jack and Kitty inside restaurant) "I have visual."


 * Keswick: (trying to shrug off kids) "But I have a uh.. pr..oblem. These little monsters are gonna blow our cover."


 * Dudley: "Just give them some ice cream and they'll go away."


 * Keswick: "I'm all over it. (twitches) Luckily I outfitted this thing with a fudgey bar cannon. (operates hand-crank) Dance you little hoodlums! (fires fudgey bars)


 * (scene changes to the restaurant, a violinist is playing elegant music while diners quietly chat)


 * (hiding in a plant Dudley manages to grab a hold of the violinist, presumably knock him out and switch clothes)


 * (Dudley tries to disguise himself as the violinist but is horrible at playing the violin, grating everyone's ears)


 * Jack: "Ah, that's okay my good man I have my own restaurant music. (takes violin bow from Dudley and uses it to press the play button on his musical cufflinks)


 * Kitty: (suspicious) "Dudley, is that you?"


 * Dudley: "Yea.. no! My name is Bob. Bob... uh... (looks at men's room sign) ...Men's-room. I play this guitar thingy. (holds violin)


 * Kitty: (grabs Dudley) "Uh Jack, will you excuse me for a moment?" (goes off) "Dudley, what are you doing here?!"


 * Dudley: "I have a bad feeling about your friend Jack."


 * Kitty: "That's ridiculous, I've known Jack for years. He's totally on the up and up.


 * Dudley: "Oh yeah? Then why is he stealing seconds from the salad bar?" (points to Jack lowering himself down to the salad bar with a cable, Mission: Impossible style)


 * Kitty: (annoyed) "It's all you can eat."


 * Dudley: "Really? I've gotta come here for lunch."


 * Kitty: "Dudley, go back to work and stop following me." (trots off)


 * Dudley: "Fine! You're on your own. I'm totally not gonna follow you."


 *  (next scene is at Petropolis Park; Kitty and Jack are sitting on a park bench) 


 * Jack: "Kitty, it's been great catching up but now I'd like to talk to you about stuff."


 * (Dudley and Keswick are eavesdropping in their ice cream truck, in the background)


 * Kitty: "What kind of stuff?"


 * Jack: "No no S.T.U.F.F., my new secret agency. I really want you to join me.


 * Kitty: "There's a problem Jack. It's T.U.F.F."


 * Jack: "What's tough about your problem?"


 * Kitty: "No, T.U.F.F., the agency. I like it there, and believe it or not I really like my new partner."


 * Jack: "Oh. Davey?"


 * Dudley: (via megaphone) "IT'S 'DUDLEY'!!!" (Kitty is annoyed, via megaphone again) "WHOOPS!!!"


 * Kitty: (storms off to Dudley) "I don't believe this!"


 * Dudley: (disguised as an ice-cream man) "Hey little cat girl, care for a fish-sicle?" (Kitty slaps fish-sicle away)


 * Kitty: "You're still spying on me Dudley?!"


 * Dudley: "I'm not spying. And my name is Bob. Bob... (looks at sign) ...Don't-feed-the-squirrels.


 * Kitty: "Is that Keswick in there?!"


 * Keswick: "No. My name is Bob. Bob... duh... (looks at sign) ...Stay-off-the-grass.


 * Dudley: (peeved) "Real smooth Keswick, now she's on to us."


 * Kitty: "I can't believe you two can't trust me!"


 * Jack: "Listen Kitty, why don't you work this stuff out with Dicky and come by S.T.U.F.F. for a tour? Say, around seven?


 * Kitty: (furious) "You know what? I think maybe I will."


 * Jack: "I'll see you there. Toodle-oo, Mr. Don't-feed-the-squirrels." (waves to Dudley and walks off)


 * Dudley: "That's Mr. Stay-off-the-grass! No wait, he's got me confused."


 *  (next scene: Jack sneaking into an empty warehouse-type building; inside his ice cream truck from across the road, Dudley is spying on him yet again) 


 * Dudley: "Jack's up to something. I'm gonna check it out."


 * Keswick: "What should I do?"


 * Dudley: "You can go around the corner and pick up my dry cleaning."


 * Keswick: "Ooh, this is where it gets exciting for me." (puts on ninja mask and makes ninja noises)


 * (Keswick sneaks his way to the dry cleaners, where he is promptly beaten up by an old lady)


 * Dudley: (lurking just outside warehouse; Snaptrap laughs maniacally and shakes hands with Jack) "Snaptrap! I knew Jack couldn't be trusted."


 * (inside the warehouse)


 * Jack: "As promised you'll have Kitty Katswell tonight at seven. Oh, and I brought you a doggie bag from "Our Old Stomping Ground".


 * Snaptrap: "Thanks, but I've already got some sushi.. from "3 Days Ago".


 * Jack: (puzzled) "You're eating three day-old sushi?"


 * Snaptrap: "No, it's a restaurant called "3 Days Ago. It's super-trendy. Where have you been?"


 * (outside, Dudley prepares to storm into the warehouse)


 * Dudley: "Okay Agent Puppy, time for the element of surprise." (tries to bust through the door with his back, but it cause him to bounce off, throwing him into a ruckus) "Aargh! Who put a race track in this alley?!?"


 * Jack: (eyes narrow) "Oh great, oh but it's Kitty's numbskull partner." (to Snaptrap) "Just play along."


 * Dudley: (busts through door with a tire around his waist and a blaster in his hands) "Freeze!"


 * Jack: (acting) "Thanks for the back-up doggy, but this fiend is all mine. (leads Snaptrap to the exit) "You're under arrest Snaptrap." (kicks Snaptrap in the butt)


 * Snaptrap: "Ow! Oh, great, you just popped my packet of soy sauce." (puddle of soy sauce on ground) "IT BURNS!" (Jack leads Snaptrap outside)


 * Dudley: "I guess I was wrong about Jack.. and now because of me, Kitty might go work for S.T.U.F.F. I gotta apologize to her."


 * (Keswick meets up with Dudley outside)


 * Keswick: (beaten up) "Mission accomplished, Agent Puppy."


 * Dudley: (annoyed) "This is a wedding dress Keswick."


 * Keswick: "I was lucky to get anything. The dry cleaning lady knew three forms of ju-jitsu!"


 *  (scene progresses to S.T.U.F.F.'s headquarters; Jack leads Kitty on a tour of the building) 


 * Kitty: "Wow Jack, I'm impressed. Where did you get all this stuff for.... S.T.U.F.F.?"


 * Jack: (pulls up a chair for Kitty) "The usual sources."


 * Kitty: (Kitty takes a seat) "You mean private investors?"


 * Jack: "No, "The Usual Sources" is a high-tech spy store downtown. And I pay for it all by kidnapping agents like you and selling their crime fighting secrets to super villains!"


 * Kitty: (laughs) "Ahahaha, good one Jack. You always did like making jokes."


 * Jack: (sinister smile) "No, I always liked making money. These theme music cufflinks aren't cheap y'know?" (plays music)


 * Kitty: (gasp) (strapped to chair) 


 * Jack: "And now, it's time to drain your brain of T.U.F.F.'s top secrets. They'll fetch a pretty penny!" (Jack lowers the brain-draining device at the push of a button)


 * Kitty: "I can't believe this. Dudley was right."


 * Snaptrap: (comes in through door) "Hi Jack! I've got your money. I ran out of moneybags, so I had to use my mom's purse. Don't be surprised if you find some lipstick and a coupon book in there."


 * (Jack takes money and activates the brain-draining helmet)


 * (outside S.T.U.F.F., Dudley arrives in his ice cream truck)


 * Dudley: "Oh no Keswick! That's the D.O.O.M. Buggy. We better get in there fast!" (activates ice cream cone rocket and busts into the S.T.U.F.F. building) '"Get back Jack!"


 * Kitty: "Dudley, Jack's gonna drain my brain. You've gotta shut off this helmet!"


 * (Dudley confronts Jack)


 * Jack: "You'll have to get past me first Dippy, and I'm the best agent T.U.F.F.'s ever had."


 * Dudley: "Oh yeah? Well I beat a snake at checkers - in my dreams!" (tries to bite flea on butt, then attacks Jack)


 * (Dudley repeatedly shouts variations of "Hi-gee-gee" while trying to fight Jack, who effortlessly fends him off)


 * Keswick: "It's go time Snaptrap!" (Snaptrap growls) "So... I'll be going." (escapes)


 * Kitty: "Hurry Dudley, time's running out!"


 * (Dudley tries to stop drain by turning lever)


 * Jack: "I don't think so." (throws Dudley against the wall with his ears) "I'd drain your brain next if I thought there was anything in it. Any last words?" (aims laser pistol at Dudley)


 * Dudley: "Yeah. Hey Keswick! How about some FUDGEEY BAAAARS?!?"


 * (Keswick breaks into the room with the fudgey bar cannon mounted on a car)


 * Keswick: "Eat hot fudge villains!" (turns hand-crank and fires bars at Jack)


 * (Jack nonchalantly dodges the bars in bullet-time, but is distracted long enough to be puppy punched into the floor by Dudley, knocking him out)


 * Dudley: "Puppy punch. There is no substitute. (blows fist) 


 * (The brain drain is about to reach 100% but Dudley destroys the helmet and free Kitty with his laser blaster)


 * Kitty: "Dudley you did it!" (Dudley takes Kitty for a little dance but accidentally spins her out through the window)


 * (Snaptrap tries to escape with the purse of money, but is bombarded with fudgey bars by Keswick)


 * Snaptrap: "Okay, this is the worst brain freeze ever!"


 * (episode advances to Jack about to be sent off to jail)


 * Kitty: "I thought you were the greatest secret agent ever Jack, but you're just a no good crook!"


 * (Jack and Snaptrap are in the T.U.F.F. prison truck)


 * Snaptrap: (to Jack, who looks only slightly dismayed) "Fudgey bar?" (truck drives off into the horizon)


 * Kitty: "Thanks for saving me Dudley. You're the best partner anyone could ever have."
 * Dudley: "Thanks Kitty, how about a little victory music?!" (presses the play button on the Jack's theme music cufflinks)
 * Peg: (gramophone plays) "Dudley! Clean your room!"
 * Dudley: "THIS IS MY PRIVATE TIME!"


 * Kitty: "You really need your own place."

(ending gag with Dudley and Kitty)

THE END