ChefBob


 * [The episode begins at the Krusty Krab. The customers are crowding in front of the little window. Bubble Bass is sitting on Squidward and Squidward struggles to free himself from the bottom.]
 * Squidward: [grunts as he tries to free himself] You people are proof that evolution can go in reverse!
 * Customers: Shh!
 * [The customers watch as SpongeBob juggles the Krabby Patties and roll them onto the grill. Three patties remain spinning until SpongeBob "shoots" them flat like shooting a gun.]
 * Customers: Ooh! Ahh!
 * [SpongeBob sprays ketchup and mustard on the buns. He bangs on the grill and sends the patties flying. Then he makes six perfect Krabby Patties.]
 * SpongeBob: Ta-da!
 * [The customers applaud for SpongeBob's talented performance.]
 * Bubble Bass: Ooh, impressive! That's most impressive!
 * [Mr. Krabs comes in.]
 * Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, why aren't these walking wallets spending money?
 * Squidward: [grunts and talks muffled] Because they're too busy watching SpongeBob cook!
 * Mr. Krabs: What? [climbs onto Squidward]
 * Squidward: [gets stepped on by Mr. Krabs] Ow!
 * [Mr. Krabs climbs onto the customers and take a peak in the kitchen. SpongeBob is spraying ketchup and mustard on the buns.]
 * Mr. Krabs: Hmm. Well, he's not exactly maximerizing his worktime with those flourishes. But, boy, does that boy-o have talent. [his eyes become light bulbs with dollar signs on them; he turns them on with his nose] Ding! [climbs down and grabs a mallet] And talent equals money!
 * [The customers turn and run as they see Mr. Krabs preparing to smash a hole in the wall. Squidward screams and runs away as well. Mr. Krabs smashes the wall really hard and makes a massive hole between the kitchen and the dining room. SpongeBob finishes his juggling act and turns around. He becomes startled to see the massive hole Mr. Krabs made.]
 * SpongeBob: I have X-ray vision! I can see through walls!
 * Mr. Krabs: Calm your waters, lad. I just knocked it down.
 * SpongeBob: [jibbers] Why'd you do that?
 * Mr. Krabs: In the restaurant business, it's called an open kitchen so the customers can watch the cook cook.
 * SpongeBob: Oh, Mr. Krabs, I don't think I can take that kind of pressure.
 * Mr. Krabs: Nonsense. You're a born performer. [looks around and sees a closet] Ooh! [carries SpongeBob to the closet] Here. [takes out a pen, opens it, and draws a star on it] You even got your own dressing room. See? Huh? Huh?
 * [A Krabby Patty falls from the shelf. SpongeBob runs in and locks the door.]
 * Mr. Krabs: Hmm? Uh... [jiggles the doorknob] Come on, boy-o, it's showtime!
 * SpongeBob: [whimpers as he looks through the mop on his head] I can't! I've got stage fright!
 * Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, if you don't come out, you're fired!
 * [SpongeBob reluctantly comes out of the closet and feels nervous.]
 * Mr. Krabs: There he is! [flicks SpongeBob's hat off and gives him a toque] ChefBob! [grabs SpongeBob and closes the closet with his foot] Me little star! [pushes SpongeBob to the grill] Break a leg. Break two legs.
 * Fred: [holds up his leg] My leg!
 * Mr. Krabs: Shut up, Fred! [makes his leave] Ta-da! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da!
 * [The customers cheer. SpongeBob is really nervous and unsure about this open kitchen business. He grabs a patty and he wipes the sweat off his head.]
 * Customers: Ooh!
 * [SpongeBob puts the patty onto the grill, but accidentally burns it. He grabs a bun filled with mustard and puts the burnt patty on it. He puts his shoe and a bar of soap on the patty. SpongeBob presents it and the customers seem confused.]
 * Harold Reginald: What?
 * [Now Mr. Krabs is getting a little nervous, but keeps his cool by smiling.]
 * Fred: That's just wrong!
 * [SpongeBob grabs a tube of toothpaste and smears it on the patty. The customers are still confused.]
 * Mr. Krabs: Come on, boy-o! Razzle-dazzle them!
 * [SpongeBob hides under the grill trying to think of a solution to his stage fright problem.]
 * SpongeBob: Oh, what do I do? What do I do? [sees a paper bag] Huh? Oh!
 * [SpongeBob grabs the bag and makes it into a small little puppet version of himself, ChefBob. He slowly shows the puppet to the customers and Mr. Krabs. The customers are amazed at it.]
 * ChefBob: Hi, everybody! Who's hungry?
 * [The customers shrug in confusion. The couldn't figure out how to respond to it. One customer was gnawing on his hand.]
 * Dave: I guess I am.
 * ChefBob: Welcome, welcome to my job in the kitchen of ChefBob! I cook and dance, I wear square pants, cooking for this hungry mob! [singsong] Your order, please!
 * [The customers cheer and SpongeBob is happy.]
 * Mr. Krabs: [rubs his claws together] The little ChefBob is a sensation.
 * [The scene changes to all of the customers gathering around to see the ChefBob show Mr. Krabs put up. ChefBob comes out from the curtain.]
 * ChefBob: Hi, everybody! Who's hungry?
 * Customers: We are!
 * [ChefBob grabs some patties and juggles them. and roll them onto the grill. Three patties remain spinning until SpongeBob "shoots" them flat like shooting a gun just like how SpongeBob did earlier. SpongeBob grins happily at ChefBob's performance. ChefBob flips three patties and grabs one with a whip. He gives the patty to a cowboy and stamps a picture of himself with a branding iron.]
 * ChefBob: Huh?
 * [The scene changes to ChefBob playing magic tricks with the patties. He pulls a patty from Jennifer Millie and Clay's ears.]
 * ChefBob: Ha, ho! Ha, ho! Voilà!
 * [ChefBob throws the patties on the grill after they bounced onto Squidward's nose.]
 * ChefBob: Ta-da!
 * [The customers cheer.]
 * Clay: [looks at his watch] Oh-ho! Look at the time. I gotta get home and get my beauty sleep.
 * Squidward: Oh, what died on that guy's neck? Oh, it's his head.
 * [Squidward's insult was accidently heard out loud by ChefBob.]
 * ChefBob: Huh?
 * [ChefBob comes up with an idea. He thinks that he could use insults to make himself popular. He slides over to Clay just as he was about to leave.]
 * ChefBob: Hey, what died on your neck? Oh, it's your head!
 * [The customers laugh, but Squidward is offended by it. Clay felt embarrassed at first, but laughs along with the customers.]
 * Squidward: Oh, that little plagiarist. That was my line.
 * Clay: [laughs] Obviously, the sleep hasn't been helping! [makes a hideous face as he laughs]
 * [SpongeBob becomes shocked at what he just heard.]
 * SpongeBob: D-did I say that? I didn't say that.
 * Jennifer Mille: [laughs and grabs ChefBob] Hey, do me! Insult me!
 * ChefBob: Alright. Roses are red, violets are blue, I was born pretty, what happened to you?
 * Jennifer Mille: [laughs] That was a good one.
 * ChefBob: [gets grabbed by SpongeBob] Huh? Oh!
 * SpongeBob: ChefBob, we don't speak like that to our customers.
 * Harold (red fish): Me next! [ChefBob goes back up] Shoot me a zinger!
 * ChefBob: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't get that. [shoots an arrow on Harold's head] I don't speak "goober!"
 * [The paper with the word "Goober" rolls down and the customers laugh.]
 * Harold (red fish): [laughs] I love it! Guilty as charged! [laughs and sheds a tear]
 * [The customers yell out at ChefBob to make more insults and give him money and jewels. He even gives them their autographs for their books and their children.]
 * Squidward: Oh, great. I've created a monster. A funny, talented monster.
 * [The scene changes to ChefBob powdering his nose in his dressing room.]
 * Mr. Krabs: Ho, ho, ho, ho! [flicks money] Oh, I gotta hand it to ya! That new insult comedy act is really bringing in the money!
 * [SpongeBob, with a sad look on his face, turns around and gives Mr. Krabs a paper.]
 * Mr. Krabs: Ah, what's this, here?
 * SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs. It's a list of things ChefBob needs for his little dressing room.
 * Mr. Krabs: Oh-ho, does he? [reads the list] "Fresh cut seaweed." [his smile turns upside-down] "A manicurist for SpongeBob's puppet hand?" What? [gets angry] "A bigger dressing room?"
 * ChefBob: In the meantime, we'll just take over your office, Blubber Boy.
 * Mr. Krabs: Blubber Boy?! [his belly blubbers; he lowers his shirt and rips up the paper] No way! [stomps the paper bits on the ground]
 * ChefBob: [grabs Mr. Krabs] What's the matter, Krabs? [flicks his nose] You don't like money? [whacks Mr. Krabs in the face with money]
 * [Mr. Krabs takes the money and puts them in the bag.]
 * Mr. Krabs: [weepy] What?... Of course I like money. The office will be ready in five minutes. [leaves]
 * SpongeBob: ChefBob, I think your insults are mean and hurtful. What do you say we just go back to the Krabby Patty routines, huh?
 * ChefBob: Need I remind you that my insults pay your salary?
 * SpongeBob: Yes, sir. I mean, no, sir.
 * [SpongeBob and ChefBob leave the closet.]
 * Squidward: ChefBob, you stole my line! I do all the insults around here!
 * ChefBob: [grabs Squidward's hand] Oh, I am so sorry, Squidward. You're absolutely right.
 * Squidward: Um, oh, well, uh, thank you. It's—it's—it's really not such a big deal.
 * ChefBob: Let me make it up to ya! [grabs Squidward and drags him and SpongeBob outside] Hi, everybody! I'd like to introduce you to a very good friend of mine: Squidward Tentacles!
 * [The customers cheer.]
 * Squidward: Huh? Oh, no. Please, please, you're to—you're too kind.
 * ChefBob: I was gonna ask Squidward how old he was, but then I remembered he can't count that high!
 * Squidward: [dumbfounded] Huh?
 * [ChefBob sprays water in Squidward's eye and the customers laugh at his humiliation. Squidward shrinks down nervously and pops.]
 * SpongeBob: [growls] Alright, that's it! You can't talk to Squidward that way! He is one of my best friends!
 * Squidward: [reappears next to Mr. Krabs] That's even more insulting.
 * ChefBob: Get a load of him, folks! He must've been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen! [grabs a rubber chicken and hits SpongeBob with it]
 * [The customers laugh. SpongeBob grabs the rubber chicken and goes to whack ChefBob with it, but ends up hitting Nat Peterson.]
 * Nat Peterson: Ow! Not funny!
 * [SpongeBob and ChefBob both get into a fight. ChefBob flings SpongeBob to a table and crash onto it. The customers continue to think this is part of the act and continue to laugh. ChefBob grabs SpongeBob, swings him around and flings him to the bathroom.]
 * Jimmy Gus: He scores!
 * [The customers rush into the bathroom.]
 * Fred: Yeah, yeah! Fight in the bathroom!
 * [ChefBob is trying to push SpongeBob down the toilet.]
 * ChefBob: Have a drink!
 * [SpongeBob struggles to get up, but ChefBob pushes him down the toilet. SpongeBob pulls the lever, hoping to flush ChefBob down along with him.]
 * ChefBob: No, no! [grabs the lever but gets flushed down the toilet]
 * [The customers become worried now that SpongeBob and ChefBob are flushed. In the kitchen, SpongeBob and ChefBob emerge from the sink and crash into a box of spatulas. SpongeBob and ChefBob engage in a spatula sword fight.]
 * SpongeBob: En garde!
 * [SpongeBob and ChefBob fight each other with all their might. They exit the kitchen and continue their fight in the dining room while the customers watch. ChefBob removes the spatula from SpongeBob's grasp and goes to finish him. SpongeBob holds his ground and keeps ChefBob's spatula from hitting him. ChefBob cackles evilly as if he was about to win. Just as ChefBob was about to deliver the final blow, SpongeBob lifts ChefBob, grabs the spatula with his teeth, and throws it onto a poster in the wall. SpongeBob hops in the boat, opens the cash register and slams the drawer onto ChefBob. The customers gasp in fright and realize that SpongeBob and ChefBob's battle is not part of the act and is not funny at all. The parent and the child cry at the sight. The customers become disgusted with this and they leave the restaurant just as SpongeBob collapses from exhaustion.]
 * Mr. Krabs: Me customers! [gets angry and walks over to ChefBob, who's punching SpongeBob] Alright, enough of this. [grabs ChefBob off of SpongeBob's hand and holds up a hand puppet version of himself]
 * Hand puppet Mr. Krabs: ChefBob, you are hereby fired! [punches ChefBob to the floor] Mr. Squidward, will you do the honors?
 * [Squidward holds up a hand puppet version of himself.]
 * Hand puppet Squidward: [picks up ChefBob] Let me help you slip into something more comfortable. Like the gutter!
 * [Squidward kicks ChefBob out the door. ChefBob gets run over by a boat, trampled on by a little girl's pogo stick, and swept away by a street cleaner.]
 * SpongeBob: [sighs] I learned a very valuable lesson today.
 * Hand puppet Mr. Krabs: To always be yourself and not hide behind a puppet?
 * SpongeBob: Well, yeah, that, but [holds up his swollen hand] mostly don't slam your puppet hand in a register drawer. [his hand thumps]
 * [SpongeBob, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs all share a laugh together.]
 * SpongeBob: Ow.
 * [The scene changes to the next day. Squidward screams at something on the television.]
 * SpongeBob: [overlapping] What is it, Squidward?
 * Mr. Krabs: [overlapping] What is it, Mr. Squidward?
 * Squidward: It's—it's alive! [points to the television]
 * TV Announcer: And now, it's time for the ChefBob Cooking with Insults Show! And here's your host, ChefBob!
 * ChefBob: Hi, everybody! Who's hungry?
 * [The live action audience cheers.]
 * ChefBob: Alright. Roses are red, violets are blue, I was born pretty, what happened to you?
 * [The live action audience cheer once more.]
 * ChefBob: Yay, yeah! Yay, yeah!
 * [SpongeBob, Squidward and Mr. Krabs are completely shocked and they all faint to the floor. The curtains close and the words "The End" appear on the screen, ending the episode.]