Sexy Dance Healing

Oh, oh, he's got one. False alarm. I really thought that was gonna be it. Wait, wait... Huh? (groans) You know, like, "Say cheese." It comes with cheese. Yeah, it's really good. No, it's not. It's just a cheeseburger. Cheese on a burger? You broke it wide open, Dad. Well, it's better than the "Let Us Catch Up Burger." With lettuce and ketchup. So you're in a little slump. You know what you should do? Take a walk to the store and look at some produce. Maybe you'll get inspired. Yeah, maybe I should. And if that doesn't work, just take peyote, like in the old days. Right. (bell jingles) Maybe something pickled. Pickled something... Ugh, what is wrong with me... (grunts) Ow! Man: Are you okay? No. Ow. Oh, I went down pretty hard. Oh, uh, Bob? Jairo? Oh, come on. I thought I recognized those whimpers of pain. (groans) God, why is this sidewalk so slippery? Oh, it is excess sandalwood oil I use it for massage. So you dumped oil onto the sidewalk? You make that sound bad. People will fall, Jairo. I just fell. You did. You fell down, go boom. (groans) Ugh, I think my shoulder is broken. It's not broken. If it was broken, you would know it. Oh, don't say that. That's just something people say. I'll see what a doctor says. It's not broken. If it was broken, you'd know it. It's a torn labrum. Oh, my God, a torn labrum! What's a labrum? It's the middle part of your wiener. No! Close. The labrum is cartilage in our shoulders that helps us do movements like this and this. All right! (chuckling): All right. Well, I don't do a lot of high-fiving, but I'm worried I'm not gonna be able to cook. Oh, you should. I should what? You should high-five. Okay. So when will I be able to do that... and cook? Right after the rehab that's right after the surgery that you need. Wait, I need surgery?! (chuckling): Yeah. Sandra! Sandra! Sandra! Sandra! Gene. Sandra! This is fun. It is fun. Sandra! Sandra! Louise. Sandra? (chuckling): Where is she? Sandra! Sandra! Were you guys calling me? Hey, look, it's Sandra. So I checked your insurance, and your deductible is high. How high? Really high, $6,000 high. Ouch. I mean, totally worth it. But you slipped in oil, right? Yeah. And someone poured it there? Right. Just sue the guy. I like Sandra. Sandra! (laughs) I don't know. I don't want to sue anyone. You know what they say... "If you don't sue, shame on you." I don't think people say that. If you don't sue, shame on you. Oh, so people do say that. Listen, your case is very strong. I'm sure we can sue Jairo for damages, lost wages, pain and suffering... the deluxe package. I say we ask for 300,000, settle for two. $200,000? Jairo doesn't have that kind of money. He's mystical and handsome, but he's not rich. He's rich in abs. N-No, we only need, like, 6,000. I see. I'm thinking maybe my hourly rate would better suit this suit. (chuckles) Get it? (chuckles) This guy. I like it. Um, uh, that could work. All right, what I can do for you is encourage Jairo to pay for your surgery with a strongly worded letter on my letterhead. Interesting. Just sending a letter could work? Well, you'd be surprised how many doors a letter from a lawyer can open. Or close. It seems like you're talking slower, since you started charging by the hour. (slowly): No, this is the speed I talk. But that reminds me of a funny story. Oh, I want to hear a funny story. (chuckling): Once when I was in law school... (laughs) No, no, no, let's not tell stories. We should go. We're off the clock. Thank you. Bye. Bye. "It Takes Bun To Know Bun." Served on a fancy bun. Huh. I don't want to talk about it. Me neither. Bob, this letter says I am liable for your labrum. I am liable for no one's labrum. Look, I really didn't want to get a lawyer involved, but unless you pay for my surgery, we're gonna have to sue you. Hello, Jairo. I see you're looking tan and perfect, as usual. Good for you. Thank you, Tina. So, Bob, who said you need surgery? My doctor. A doctor? (scoffs) What does that sound mean? (repeats scoff) You don't know what that means? It's, um... I think I do, it's just that you're doing it weird. I am not doing it weird at all. You do it. (scoffs) That's I'm doing. (scoffs) (chuckles) That's not... (scoffs) (scoffs) Well, I think you're both nailing it. Hmm, you look like you are in pain. (grunts) I am in pain. Because I fell on your oily sidewalk, and I can't chop onions or flip burgers or make a fist. Perhaps I can help. (inhales deeply) Um... (Jairo grunts) Please stop touching me. Now try to make a fist. You made a fist. I... I did. How'd you do that? I am a healer. Bob, let me work with you instead of you getting this painful super-yucky surgery you so-call say you need. You really think you can heal Bob? How about this? If I can't heal you in ten sessions, I'll pay for your surgery. (sighs) Fine. Ah, the healing has begun. (groans) Let me in on that. Okay. I want some of that. Okay. (chanting): Heal our dad. Heal his disgusting broken body! Is everyone liking the font? Yes? Good. We have just created the very real-sounding law firm of Fromage, Schuster and Pitz-Lopez. We sure we don't want to go with Daddy, Grandpa and the Beaver? Pretty sure. So what's our first suit? I think a letter from our attorneys might get Miss Selbo to back off with all those tardy slips. Yeah, tardiness happens. Deal with it, Selbo! There's the patient. I made you a big breakfast for your healing I'm not supposed to eat. Jairo said to arrive with an empty stomach, an open mind and no underwear. Dibs on Dad's underwear. I'm wearing underwear. Oh, boo. And I'm eating this. But your mind's open, right, honey? Mmm, not really. Bye. Jairo: Okay, Bob, let's explore your lifestyle. Describe the color and personality of your bowel movements. Mm, no. Just give me some key words. Are they perky, shy, clingy? You know what, this was a mistake. I-I should just get the surgery. Jairo (jabbering): Ajabuttabuta... (Bob groaning) Ah, how do you do that? Take off the sling crutch, and take off your clothes, starting with the underwear. It's time for a massage. Wait, h-how'd you know I was wearing underwear? You have underwear face. (bell ringing) TINA: So, yeah. Unless you want to get hit with a lawsuit, you'll be taking these tardy slips back. 'Kay? Sorry. We're late because we care! Do you know how long it takes to put this together? Let's go to work on your shoulder. (groans) That's not my shoulder. Before we walked upright, our buttocks were our shoulders. And I found a knot. Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow. You're holding stress everywhere I touch. There is a knot. (Bob groans) Oh, a double-knot. Do you feel that? Yes, pressing on knots hurts a lot. Ow! Hmm, I wouldn't know. I've never had one. To heal you, we must heal the stress. So what is causing all your stress? I-I don't know. I guess, um, uh, money? Money? What a silly thing to stress about. You silly money goose. (groans) Okay, so, wait, you don't worry about money? Don't you pay rent here? I teach capoeira to make things other than money, such as fit bodies and healthy non-clingy bowels. Speaking of which, our first session is over. Here, you have earned this. What is that? The yellow scrunchy of trust. And here's this. What's this for? You are dripping with oil. I used too much. The-the little cap came off. Whoa. Watch your step! Whoa! Whoa. Oop. Hup! Hey-oh! Help. Heh-dup, hup-hup! (door bell jingles) So how was your first day of healing? You know, actually, my shoulder feels a little better. That's great. What you got on your wrist there? Oh, this? I-I... I don't know. I guess I earned it. Is that a scrunchy? Um, uh, yeah. Give it to me. I'll put it in my hair. Okay, uh... Well, no, you know what, I'm gonna keep it. So, Bob, burger of the day, huh? Oh, the "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Tomatoes" burger. Is it okay? It's fine. I mean, it's a burger with tomatoes on it. Well, that, yeah, that's what I was going for. Right. Well, you did it. You're gonna come out of this slump, don't worry. All great artists have slumps. Hey, let me be your muse, Bob. Okay. Look at me. Look. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What is... What are you thinking? I don't... Is anything coming? Look, look. I think you're... Uh, like you're in an aerobics class? Shh, sh-sh-shh. Look at me and think. Clear your mind. Let it wash over you, Bobby. I'm your muse, look at me. And the burger of the day is what? I-I just don't know if that's the way it works. Look at me now. Look at me now, what are you thinking? Oh, my God. Jairo: This is my body feeling good. This is my body feeling good. This is my bowels feeling good. This is my bowels feeling good. This is me tickling you. (laughing): Hey, hey. Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. Stop... (laughs) ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ Whoo, whoo-whoo ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Cease and desist ♪ ♪ 'Cause I know I can't resist you, baby ♪ ♪ This is not just a chance to run ♪ ♪ Or keep on doing my exercises, baby ♪ ♪ Cease and desist, 'cause you know I can't resist you, baby ♪ ♪ As you can tell by my wrist, I'm gonna keep on doin'... ♪ And pop, pop. (groaning) Again. Pop. Pop, pop, pop, pop. (doctor humming) Uh, Bob? Oh, hey, Doc. You never scheduled your surgery. Oh, uh, yeah, I'm, uh, I'm working with him now. Who are you? I am Bob's healer. Uh, my shoulder's actually feeling pretty good. Okay, but can you high-five? D-Do you think I'm ready? High-five away, Bob. (sighs) Okay. I did it! Wow, I've seen a torn labrum blast a fiver like that. Impressive. Keep up the good work, guys. (resumes humming) ♪ ♪ "Labrum-ham" Lincoln in the house. What's going on, Jairo? I've been evicted. What? Why? I wasn't supposed to be living in my studio, but I had to because of what happened with my apartment. Well, what happened with your apartment? I was evicted. I don't get all stressed out about money, but my landlord does. Mr. Fishsticks. Wait, you mean Mr. Fischoeder? He's my landlord too. I-I'd offer to talk to him for you, but I'm, uh... I'm kind of avoiding him. Well, I have no place to live. I have no place to heal. Right, you have no place to heal. But the universe will provide, like a pigeon who flies into a bread-crumb vending machine. Do they have those here? Wait a minute, Jairo... I'm your breadcrumb vending machine. Guess who's coming to stay with us for a while? Me? Is it me? Oh. Probably him, right? 'Cause he's got all of his stuff. Yeah. So, not me, then. (capoeira music playing) Hello. Hi. How are you? (making rhythmic noises) Good morning, Bob. Join us. Oh, uh, no, no, that's okay. Oh, come on, your shoulder is ready for capoeira. Yeah, but the rest of me isn't. Well, just try and not move to these rhythms. (making rhythmic sounds) Pandeiro! (makes rhythmic sounds) Brasil! (makes rhythmic sounds) Rio Janeiro! om! What? What is it? There's something you need to see. (gasps) You married that. Gene: And now he's Jairo's plaything. Where's Tina going? Got room for one more? (grunting) Can you just, um, can you move a little? Thanks. Hildy: "Our client is entitled to extra taco fillings." What is this crap? Hildy, do you want this to get tied up in the courts for years? Or do you want to just give me the extra fillings and send me on my way? Ugh. Thank you! Did anyone else see Dad wearing sandals... on his feet? Yes. Yes. And what is that stuff he keeps burning? Sage. Sage. At first I thought it was kind of funny that he was getting "healed" by Jairo, but now it's starting to freak me out. Me, too! I farted up the shower before he got in and you know what he said? Namaste. That son of a bitch. Jairo: Mmm... good smoothie. Not too much broccoli? There is no such thing as what you just said. (exhales) All right, let me take a shot at this. Uh, Bob? Are you okay? Your buttocks look stressed. Like they have a test tomorrow. No, I'm fine. I-I'm just hoping this smoothie will help me come up with a burger of the day. What's a "burger of the day"? Well, it's this thing I do. I come up with a special burger, every day. People love it. Well, Teddy loves it. It's been a few weeks since I've come up with a really good one. I'm, uh... I'm kind of in a little slump. A new burger, every single day? But every day is a different day. Must be stressful. Uh, yeah, it can be a little stressful, but I... I like doing it. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Let's pop that shirt off and dig around. Oh, boy. Okay. Yes... this makes sense. Wh... what? There's this one knot I can't break up. Oh! That really hurts. We've found the mother-knot. The mother-knot? The knot caused by your biggest stress in life... your burgers of the days. Well, that's crazy. Oh! Bob, we've finally uncovered why the universe brought us together. No, you're... you're my healer because I fell on your oily sidewalk while I was... trying to think of the burger of the day. Oh, my God, the universe did bring us together! Then it is settled. You're going to stop doing burgers of the day. W-Well, no, I don't know about that. How about this: give it up for one day. Let your chalk sleep today. Leave it on its little sleeping ledge. Look how cute the chalk. (whispering): He's so cute and quiet. He's sleeping. All right, well, maybe just for one day, I'll take a break. Shh! Oh, sorry. The chalk is trying to sleep. Right. (grunts) Red? Yes! Oh! Sorry, not the red one. That is Jairo's special scrunchy. Give it back, please. Give-give it... Oh... (sing-song): But here's a nice orange one... Oh! ♪ ♪ Eh, Bob? Yeah? Uh, what-what's up with the, uh... huh-huh, huh-huh. Oh, the burger of the day? I'm not doing it today. What? You do it every day. Well, not today, Teddy. And you know, I feel fine. I might not do one tomorrow. What? Linda! You know about this? You know about the burger board? Yeah, I know. I know. You know about the burger board. I know, Teddy. Bob's turned into a real Brazil nut. This is crazy! You're crazy! You do burgers of the day. Every day. Teddy... A new burger, every day! It's the only constant in my life! Okay, easy, Teddy, Teddy, easy... No, no, no, get off of me! Teddy! Teddy! Get off of me! When I come back tomorrow, there better be a friggin' burger on that board! You hear me, Bob? Yeah. Do you hear me?! Bob: Bye. I'm sorry, sir, I know you're enjoying your lunch. Put a burger on that board! (bell tinkles) Uh, why is Teddy walking in the street trying to punch cars? He's overreacting because I... Tina: The burger of the day board is blank! The burger of the day board is blank! Ahh! Your father's not doing it today. Or maybe ever again. According to Jairo, they were "stressing him out." But it's blank! You kids can write something up there if you want. You know, one of your joke burgers or something. What?! It's no fun if you want us to! All right, do it or don't do it. It's fine either way. Does anyone want a broccoli smoothie? No! I hate you! Maybe a sip! That's it, we gotta get rid of Jairo. Time for Fromage, Schuster, and Pitz-Lopez to take over. (bell tinkles) Did you put this phony cease-and-desist letter under Jairo's door? Give it to me! Give it to me! Phony? That looks real to me. Look at that font. Roman numerals. Must be real. Bob, if you wanted me to leave, you could've just told me. You didn't have to threaten me with "death by scrunchy." Kids, did you do this? We're not at liberty to discuss... Louise... Fine! We wrote that letter. But you left us no choice! You've changed, man. You've changed. My client isn't going anywhere. Your client? You're our lawyer. In the case of Bob v. Jairo, I'm Bob's lawyer. But in Jairo v. Bob, I'm Jairo's lawyer. How is that legal? They're totally different cases. But what's not legal is the eviction of a good-looking tenant who has a verbal contract to stay here for free. Did you just say "good-looking tenant"? That's the law. This guy's amazing. Tom, I love your energy. I love your energy. You're my favorite client. Uh, thanks. Kids, you can't go around threatening people with letters from fake lawyers. We can and we have. And it was fun and it worked! Until it didn't. Well, now we're stuck with friggin' Jairo. Listen, having Jairo in our basement is a good thing. He's helped me in a lot of ways. He's not just a shoulder shaman. Why am I listening to you? Is it because you're crouching? Yeah, since when have you been able to crouch? Only recently. You've changed, man. And you don't miss making burgers of the day? At all? I do not... miss it... at all. I'm totally... content. Yup, yeah, yeah. Fine. Come on, emergency kids-only under the table meeting, now! All right, trying to evict Jairo sort of backfired. So what we need to do now is get Jairo un-evicted from his old place. How are we gonna do that? By taking our case to the top. (gasps) Beyoncé? Close. Now make me look like a lion. Mr. Fischoeder, you've been served. Okay, it'll be ready in ten minutes, bye! To-go order, Bobby! "Four burgers of the day." Lin? Yeah. We don't serve those anymore. Oh, right. Well, uh, they're coming in ten minutes, so cook 'em something. Okay, let's see here now... "...pursuant to Orville vs. Redenbacher..." Mm-hmm. Blah, blah, blah... "habeas porpoise," blah, blah, blah... Mm-hmm. "Reverse-evict Jairo." Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm... (sniffs) Blueberry-scented marker. Mm-hmm. Yeah, blueberry. We pay extra for that. Well, I smell a fake lawyer in the mix here. What? What?! How dare you! You got us. Tina! Yes. I use fake lawyers myself from time to time. I once stopped these very wharf workers from unionizing with a rather playful letter on a very threatening letterhead. Interesting. I bet you wouldn't want them to find that out, would you? Oh, why did I say that to someone who wants something from me? I thought we were cool. Bob: I'm not doing it. I'm not cooking a burger of the day. All right, fine, whatever. I'm just making regular burgers. Regular, stress-free burgers. Uh-huh. You know what? I'll see what's in the fridge and I'll just slap something on. But I am not gonna name it. Great, now I'm stressed. And I'm running out of time. And there's thyme. Huh, egg. Lin! What...? Linda! What? Runny out of thyme! What? Runny fried egg and thyme! The "Runny Out Of Thyme Burger!" Oh. Oh! It's the best one I've come up with in weeks! Oh, he's back! I'm back, baby! Ha-ha, whoo! Uh, Bob, will you hold my ponytail while I do some upside-down push-ups? Hold on a minute. What's going on with this? Oh, I came up with a burger of the day that I'm really proud of. I'm confused. You gave them up. Because they are stress makers. Well, they're also happy makers. Hey, we should call them "happy meals." Oh, wait... You were finally at peace, like a pigeon who found a jar of peanut butter. Jairo, you know I love your pigeon analogies, but I think I need to wake up every day and wrestle with this, and create something. And that can be stressful, but it's worth it. There's my Bob. There's my stressful Bob. Your body will turn back into a knotted, rotted thing. It will creak like a boat. I like his creaking. I know where he is in the dark. Then I must go. What? You can still stay here until you find another place. No. Your... your stress will make it all stressy in here. Where you gonna go? I don't... know. Maybe I need to change the way I live... buy a jacket... Hit the bricks, Jairo! You can move back into your old place. Oh, everything's fine! No changes for Jairo! Really, Mr. Fischoeder? You'll take Jairo back? Well, if it means avoiding another worker uprising... which aren't as fun as they used to be, now that workers are considered "people." Thank you, Mr. Fishsticks. That'll teach me to be honest with children. Good-bye, Belcher family. And Bob, you earned this. (gasps) The red one! Oh, whoops, sorry about that. I meant to give you the purple one. Oh. O-Okay. The chalkboard! It's not blank! It's alive again! A to-go order busted your father out of his slump. Yeah, what's taking them so long? Their burgers are gonna get cold. Um, they're not coming. What? They're not? Yeah, no, there wasn't really a to-go order. I made it up. And it worked! I am your muse! Ha! Muse-dance! (grunts dancing noises) But the burgers are real. (gobbling) Huh. It's kind of weird not having Jairo around. (door bell tinkles) Jairo's back. Totally forgot, I'm supposed to teach a class right now. Would it be cool if we... Go ahead. Use the basement. Thank you, Bob, you're the best. Teddy: There's something on the board. There's something on the board! Bobby, make me one of those! But hold the egg. That sounds gross. And the thyme. Do you know what? Just do the tomato one! I'm coming in there!