Who's Afraid of the Dark?

(The episode opens on Cow and Chicken's house, where terrified screams are heard inside. Inside the living room, Cow, Chicken, and their parents are watching a horror movie on their TV seat. A movie zombie growls as he comes into view, until Dad turns the TV off.)

Chicken: (complaining) "'Ey, Dad! That was the best part!"

Dad: (wisely) "I don't want you kids havin' nightmares. Time for bed!"

(Cow and Chicken walk upstairs to their bedroom, followed by their parents Cow has her Manure the Bear doll in her hoof.)

Cow: (giggling and singing) "Sleepy, sleepy, sleepy fairy princess!" (She giggles as she climbs on the top bunk of their bed.)

Chicken: (flopping over on his bottom bunk) "Sheesh."

Dad: (stepping in) "Okay, kids. Under the covers now."

Mom: (following Dad) "No more scary movies before bedtime."

Dad: (to Chicken) "Would you like me to leave a light on, Chicken?"

Chicken: "Nah, that's okay. You can turn it off."

Mom: (to Cow) "I can plug in the nightlight if you're afraid, sweetheart."

Cow: "Oh, no thank you, Mom. I am not afraid."

Dad: "We can leave the door ajar a-and the hall light on."

(Chicken frowns at this.)

Mom: "So, if you have a BAD dream, you can-"

Chicken: (interrupting them) "Mom, Dad, it's okay!"

Cow: (settling into bed) "Oh, we are not scared of the dark."

(Mom and Dad scream terrifyingly, attracting both their kids.)

Cow: (confused) "Oh?"

Chicken: (equally confused) "Huh?"

(Mom and Dad are sob together, as Cow and Chicken watch them, confusedly.)

Dad: (fearfully) "Oh, Mother, where did we go wrong? Was it something we did?!"

Mom: (screaming) "What's to become of our children if they're not afraid of the dark?!"

Dad: (panics with his legs shaking) "They'll think THEY COULD BE EATEN BY MONSTERS!"

Mom: (terrified) "The Boogeyman could get them!"

Dad: (quivering) "Werewolves could carry them away!" (He then mans up.) "Okay, you two! Outta bed RIGHT NOW! (He pushes the door open, and Cow and Chicken march out of the bedroom, with Dad acting as a drill sergeant.) "Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!" (Cow and Chicken run down the stairs, while Mom and Dad slide down the bannister.) "One, two! One, two! One, two!"

(Now, the whole family is situated in the living room. Cow and Chicken are sitting on the couch, as Dad watches Mom carry their phone book.)

Mom: "Here, Dad!" (drops the phone book on the floor) "We can check the Yellow Pages under "Terror"!"

Dad: (flipping through the pages with his foot) "Let's see, "Sailcats", "Sponges", "Tapeworms", "Tongues", "Terror"." (reads the caption below) ""See Fear"." (flips through the pages again) ""Pharmacies", "Fatness", "Feminism", "Forgeries"," (He makes it to the selection.) "Fear"!" (Cow yawns and clicks her tongue, while Chicken rests with hand on his belly.) "A-HA!" (He reads the ad.) ""The High-Knee Institute. Run by renowned child psychologist Dr. Lax-Slax." (Cow and Chicken droop low out of boredom and start snoring.) "If we can't scare your kids into some sort of long-term phobia, then it's your money back. House calls 24 hours a day!" That's IT!" (He stamps his foot on the page.) 

Mom: (agreeing with Dad) "Just the thing for night terrors!"

Dad: (dashes for the phone) "I'm gonna call right now. What's that number again?"

Mom: (reads the phone number) "1-800-555-NO-PANTS."

Dad: (dials in the phone number) "Uh, P-A-N-T-S."

Mom: "Oh, look, Dad!" (reads the Spanish translation) "¡Se habla Español!"

Dad: (thrilled) "GREAT!" (He then starts talking to the receptionist on the phone.) "Uh, hello. Could I speak to-Aahhh!"

(He yelps. Cow and Chicken yelp too, as the doorbell rings followed by loud knocking on the door. Dad goes over to the front door and opens it to see the Red Guy as Dr. Lax-Slax.)

Red Guy: (introducing himself) "Dr. Lax-Slax at your service." (He marches into the living room with his surgery bag.) "All right! Where's the patient?!" (He meets Mom.) "So, you're the fearless, little lady then?"

Dad: (correcting Red) "Uh, Dr. Lax-Slax?"

Red Guy: (digging through his surgery bag) "In that case, you wouldn't mind if I put," (He shows Mom a spider to which she screams bloody murder.) "THIS IN HER UNDERWEAR drawer? AAAHH!" (Cow and Chicken watch as Red runs for his life from the spider.) "HELP! IT'S AFTER ME!" (He hides behind Dad's legs, screaming.) "PLEASE, SAVE ME! IT'S GONNA EAT ME ALIVE! AAAHH! KILL IT! KILL IT!" (The spider catches up to them, to which Dad squashes it with his foot.) "Is it dead?" (The spider is still alive, however, as it creeps away from the ooze.) 

Dad: "Yes, but, Dr. Lax-Slax, it's our children who need your help."

Red Guy: (looks at Cow and Chicken) "Why, yes, of course!" (He brings his head closer to Dad.) "No charge for the wife." (He winks at Dad and zips over to the couch where Cow and Chicken sit. He makes scary breathing noises into a paper bag.) "HA!" (He pops the paper bag open, causing Cow and Chicken to jump into the ceiling. Mom and Dad jump into the ceiling as well, leaving behind their pantyhose and shoes. He checks it off on the list, as Cow and Chicken land on the floor, followed by falling debris.) "Well, their scare reflexes seem to be working fine."

Dad: (bewildered) "What happened? What's going on?"

(Red grabs Chicken and licks his stethoscope clean. He puts the stethoscope on Chicken's head and listens to a single cluck. He slides the stethoscope down Chicken's beak.)

Red Guy: "Hmmm, heart rate seems NORMAL!" (Cow is snoring, when Red comes up behind her and wraps a blood pressure cuff around her nose. He pumps the cuff that inflates her nose, as air comes out Cow's nostrils.) "BLOOD PRESSURE! A-okay."

Mom: "Is everything all right, Dr. Lax-Slax?"

(Cow and Chicken yawn as Red shows them a group of flashcards.)

Red Guy: "So, you brave, little boys and girls, tell the doctor what you see in the picture." (He shows them a flashcard of a flower.) 

Chicken: "Dat's a stupid flower."

Red Guy: "Next!" (He shows them a flashcard of a fish.)

Cow: "A fish."

Red Guy: "Next." (He shows them a flashcard of a vampire.)

Chicken: "A vampire."

Mom and Dad: (horrified) "VAMPIRE?!"

Red Guy: (chuckles) "Next!" (He shows them a flashcard of a ghost.)

Cow: "A ghost."

Red Guy: "NEXT!" (He shows them a flashcard of his butt.)

Chicken: "Dat's your butt!"

Red Guy: (looking at the flashcard) "AAAHH!" (He runs up the stairs and hides himself in Cow and Chicken's bedroom, shutting the bedroom door behind him, and pants. Mom and Dad still stand there.)

Mom: (desperately) "It's not hopeless, is it, doctor?" (screams) "There is something YOU CAN DO, ISN'T THERE?!"

Red Guy: (adjusting his goatee) "Oh, yes. But, it's very serious. We must act quickly!" (He waits for a moment, as crickets chirp in the background. He then hears knocking on the door and opens it to see Cow and Chicken ready to go to bed.)

Cow: (tiredly) "I would like to go to bed now, please." (Cow and Chicken run to their bed.)

Red Guy: (acting as a drill sergeant) "Bed, bed, bed, bed!" (Cow and Chicken sit on the bottom bunk as Red asks them a question.) "Now, are you comfortable? (He leans his head closer to the siblings.) "Let's see how brave you really are, hmmm?" (He turns around and puts on a tribal mask, roaring. He then runs around the room, acting as a monster, until he sees himself in the mirror and screams yet again.) "AAAAAHHHHH!" (He hides away, as Cow walks up to Red.) 

Cow: (tiredly) "Oh, I'm tired. I want to go to sleep."

Red Guy: (leaning up, fearfully) "Be careful! There's a scary monster in that window."

Cow: "Oh, that is my vanity mirror." (She takes off Red's mask and throws it away.) "There. The monster is all gone."

Red Guy: (looks at the mirror and then shouts) "GET BACK TO BED!"

(Cow walks back to her bed and sits with Chicken.)

Dad: "Now, Cow, be a good girl for the doctor."

Red Guy: (to Cow and Chicken) "So, you're not afraid of the dark, huh?" (Cow and Chicken nod their heads, "No." in reply.) "Well, let's just see what happens..." (He hands the siblings a pair of flashlights and zips over to the light switch.) "WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT!" (He turns out the lights. Dad yelps and jumps into Mom's chest. Cow and Chicken turn on their flashlights and inspect the room, as Red speaks to them, sinisterly.) "Boys and girls, ever check the dark corners of your bedroom. That's where the boogeyman likes to hide." (He makes the sound of the boogeyman.) "Oooooo." (He then gets shined by Cow and Chicken using their flashlights.) "AAAAAHHHHH!" (Red then runs for his life around the living room.)

Mom: (cooing) "Oh, Dad! Oh, he's just so adorable! He's afraid of everything!"

Red Guy: (screaming) "MY SIGN IS IMPAIRED!"

Dad: (enthralled) "Let's adopt this grown man right now!"

(Chicken has had enough of this, as he walks over to the light switch and turns the lights back on.)

Chicken: (impatiently) "Mom, Dad! Please can we go to bed now?!"

Cow: "Oh!" (She giggles as she feels something under the bed.)

Red Guy: (peeking from beneath the bunk bed) "Is it safe to come out?" (He then feels a sneeze coming on.) "Ah, ah... CHOO!" (He launches Cow in the air and gets crushed by Cow landing on top of him.)

Cow: (pointing down) "There are lots of dust balls under our bed."

Red Guy: "Dust balls?" (Cow and Chicken's house is then seen outside, as Red screams bloody murder again.) "AAAHH! GET 'EM OFF! GET 'EM OFF! GET 'EM OFF!"

(The next morning, Cow and Chicken are eating their cereal for their breakfast.)

Chicken: (annoyed) "'Ey, quit shovin', will ya, Cow?!"

(Dr. Lax-Slax sits in his high chair, shivering.)

Dad: "You know, Mama? Adopting Dr. Lax-Slax was the best idea I've had since becoming a man!" (He and Mom then laugh wildly.)

Red Guy: (teetering around in his chair) "Ah, AAH! I'm gonna fall! I'm gonna fall!"

Dad: (taking his seat) "Man! It does my heart good to see such fear."

Mom: (agreeing with him) "Now, our family is complete."

Chicken: (nonchalantly) "Well, I guess dis is the end."

Red Guy: (gasps) "It's the end! Finito! THE END, I TELL YOU! We're all going to nibble the dust!"

Dad: (cracking up) "He's afraid!" (laughs maniacally) 

Mom: "This is the happiest day of my life!" (She and Dad both laugh maniacally.)

Cow: (hugging Chicken) "Oh, mine, too!" (giggles)

Chicken: (to the viewer) "Uh, please end this film and put me outta my misery! Sheesh!"

(Cut to 'End' card)

Red Guy: (fearfully) "End!"

(Black Out)