The LEGO Batman Movie


 * [ the screen is black and Batman starts to narrate]


 * Batman: [ voice-over] Black. All important movies start with a black screen. And music. Edgy, scary music that make a parent, or studio executive nervous.
 * [ The screen now shows us the opening with logos.]
 * Batman: [ voice-over] And logos. Really long, and dramatic logos. Warner Bros? Why not "Warner Brothers"? I don't know. DC. The house that Batman built. Yeah, what, Superman? Come at me, bro. I am your kryptonite. Hmm. Not sure what Rac Pac does, but that logo is macho. I dig it. Okay, get yourself ready for some reading. [ Words appear.] If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and make a change. Hooo. [ shows Michael Jackson] No, I said that. [ changes to Batman] Batman is very wise. I also have huge pecs, and a nine pack. [ his 9th ab is by his lungs] Yeah, I've got an extra ab. Now let's the movie.
 * [ At 10:25 pm, a Gotham City airship was on its way to the city.]
 * Pilot Bill: [ over a speaker] Gotham Tower, this McGuffin Airlines Flight 1138. [ The plane has so much of explosive devices] We are transporting 11 million sticks of dynamite, 17,000 pounds of C4, about 150 cute little classic bomb-type bombs...
 * Pilot Bill & Captain Dale: And two best friends.
 * Pilot Bill: And request our permission to fly over the most crime-ridden city in the world. Over.
 * [ The transporter people were concerned]
 * Airport person #1: I'm just looking at all the guys' faces here in the control tower.
 * Airport person #2: I'm good.
 * Airport person #3: Sounds good to me.
 * Airport person #4: Do it.
 * Airport person #5: Yeah, as long as they're best friends.
 * Airport person #6: Thumbs up!
 * Airport person #1: And yep. I think we're cool with that.
 * [ Then another aircraft came flying and landed on the airspace, and criminals began to seal in.]
 * Joker: Gentlemen, seal breach in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! [ the back side breaks.]
 * Captain Dale: What was that?
 * Pilot Bill: One of us should check it out.
 * Captain Dale: Okay.
 * Pilot Bill & Captain Dale: Scissors, paper, rock...
 * Captain Dale: Paper.
 * Pilot Bill: Scissors. [ cuts the paper] Ha! You always do paper.
 * Captain Dale: [ depressed] I'm a loser at home, and a loser at work. [ checks the plane and the criminals launch him, made him surprised] Holy cow! Whoa!
 * [ A figure comes to Pilot Bill]
 * Pilot Bill: [ not looking] Captain Dale, is everything okay? [ then he looks at the figure]
 * Joker: I'm afraid Captain Dale had to bail. I'm your new co-pilot. And I always come to work, with a smile. [ makes an evil smile]
 * [ Pilot Bill stares unimpressed]
 * Joker: You should be terrified.
 * Pilot Bill: [ confused] Why?
 * Joker:  [ dances] Because, I will be taking over the city.
 * Pilot Bill: [ not sure] Mmm.
 * Joker: What?
 * Pilot Bill: Batman will stop you. [ Joker sputters] He always stops you.
 * Joker: No, he doesn't.
 * Pilot Bill: What about that time with the two boats?
 * Joker: This is better that the two boats.
 * Pilot Bill: [ unsure again] Mmm.
 * Joker: Well, TONIGHT, is gonna be different. Tonight is my greatest plan yet. And trust me, Batman's never gonna see coming.
 * [ Now we see Gotham Energy Facility]
 * Pilot Bill: [ voice-over] Like that time with the parade and the prince music.
 * Joker: [ voice-over] Hey, quiet!
 * Jeff: Good night, Steve.
 * Steve: Take it easy, Jeff. [ he leaves] Man, I really like that guy. I sure hope nothing bad happens to him.
 * Jeff: [ driving, whistling, and singing] Nothing bad ever happens to me. [ suddenly a big question mark blocks his way] What the..?
 * Joker: [ voice-over] Your city is under attack by Gotham's greatest criminals minds. [ Riddler grabs Jeff's hand and a truck helps him take it off] Including, the Riddler, [ Riddler laughs, an another car heads to Steve] Scarecrow...
 * Scarecrow: Pizza delivery. [ hisses an odor on Steve, then more trucks appear]
 * Joker: [ voice-over] Bane..
 * Bane: Hello!
 * Joker: [ voice-over] Two-Face...
 * Two-Face: We need that door open, baby. [ crashes some cars, and a lady enters a password on a computer]
 * Joker: [ voice-over] Catwoman...
 * Catwoman: Meow, meow, you're in. Meow, meow.
 * Guard: I'm jumping out of the way. [ Two-Face drives on]
 * Joker: [ voice-over] And let's not forget Clayface. [ Clayface roars at the security guards]
 * Security Guards: Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
 * Joker: [ voice-over] Poison Ivy...
 * Security Guards: Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
 * Security Guard: Freeze!
 * Mr. Freeze: No, you freeze! Pew!
 * Joker: [ voice-over] Mr. Freeze, Penguin, Crazy Quilt, Eraser, Poke-a-dot Man, Mime, Tarantula, King Tut, Orca, Killer Moth, March Harriet, Zodiac Master, Gentleman Ghost, Clock King, Calendar Man, Kite Man, Catman, Zebra Man, and the Condiment King. [ Back on the ship]
 * Pilot Bill: [ dumbfounded] Okay, are you making some of those up?
 * Joker: Nope. They're all real. Probably worth a Google.
 * [ At the Gotham City Police Department, O'Hara heads to Gordon's office]
 * Men: Hey! / Oy!
 * Chief O'Hara: Commissioner Gordon!
 * Jim Gordon: What is it, O'Hara?
 * Chief O'Hara: [ with paper] We just got a report. All the Z-grade villains have broken into the energy plant. What are we gonna do, sir?
 * Jim Gordon: The only thing we have to do. Flip the switch to the bat-signal. [ flips it, but...] Flip!
 * Police Officer: Commissioner, are you there? The bat-signal! She's been egged! [ another villain is seen]
 * Chief O'Hara: It's Egghead, sir. [ eggs somehow covered her] I'm well aware of his work.
 * Pilot Bill: Dear, gosh. You've destroyed the bat-signal. You have thought of everything.
 * Joker: Yeah, I know! [ opens the energy plant doors] And when I take over Gotham City...
 * Voice-over: Opening reactor core doors.
 * Joker: Batman will grovel at the feet of his greatest enemy...
 * Catwoman: Whoo, hoo!
 * Joker: Me! The Joker! [ laughs, then Harley calls]
 * Harley Quinn: Joker, do you read me?
 * Joker: 10-4, girl buddy. [ changes his clothes]
 * Harley Quinn: [ over the phone] We're ready for you, sugarplum.
 * Joker: Well, then, let's raise the roof.
 * Bane: [ aiming for the roof] Fire in the hole! [ shoots the roof, the police race across the street]
 * Jim Gordon: O'Hara, have you tried the bat-phone?
 * Chief O'Hara: Yes, but all I'm getting is this hold music. [ It reveals the music is really coming from the phone.] I love it. [ they arrive at the scene of the crime]
 * Jim Gordon: I want snipers trained on that building!
 * Police Officer #1: You bet!
 * Jim Gordon: I want water and air support yesterday.
 * Police Officer #2: Ahoy, sir!
 * Jim Gordon: And I need SWAT here now!
 * Police Officer #3: [ with a phone] Phone call for Commissioner Gordon.
 * Jim Gordon: Hello, Batman? [ Instead of Batman Joker calls.]
 * Joker: Hi, Jimmy! It's the Jokes. Whoop! [ the bomb is being landed]
 * Jim Gordon: Nobody calls you that.
 * Joker: [ sputters and mutters] Yes, people do call me that! Okay, listen up!
 * Penguin Minions: Go, go, go!
 * Joker: At this very moment, an unnecessarily, complicated bomb is being attached to the inside of the main energy core. [ the penguins attach the bomb] If the mayor isn't here in five minutes to negotiate the city's surrender, then I shall destroy Gotham City.
 * Killer Croc: [ activates the bomb] I did something!
 * Pippa: Doctor, that sounds frighting and overly complicated. Talk us through it.
 * Dr. Quivers: Well, I don't wanna scare any small children who may be listening. But, it's a little known fact that Gotham city is built on a bunch of flimsy plates stuck together. There's literally nothing beneath us, except an infinite abyss that smells like dirty underwear. If Joker's bomb were to go off these plates would break apart, plunging every Gotham citizen into the eternal abyss forever. [ he shows a quick video from The Lego Movie with Emmet falling it the abyss]
 * Joker: And you wouldn't want that, now, would you? Now give the mayor! Joker out! [ drops the phone]
 * Jim Gordon: Madam Mayor, I cannot ask you to do this.
 * Mayor McCaskill: Jim, did you find Batman?
 * Jim Gordon: [ disappointed] No, ma'am.
 * Mayor McCaskill: Then we have no choice. The Joker has the upper hand. We have to surrender Gotham City.
 * Jim Gordon: Oh, no!
 * Mayor McCaskill: I'm sorry!
 * Pilot: Flying the mayor package in right now.
 * SWAT Leader: SWAT team, get your stun guns ready!
 * SWAT Team: Non-lethal! Yeah!
 * Pilot: Lowering mayor package through hole. [ the mayor lands where Joker and his team are driving in circles around her]
 * Joker: Madam Mayor! thanks for dropping by.
 * Mayor McCaskill: [ scoffs] I've only got one thing to say to you Joker.
 * Joker: Well, you better make it fast.
 * Mayor McCaskill: Do you like to gamble?
 * Joker: Oh, I certainly do.
 * Mayor McCaskill: