Slim City

(Serena has just gotten out of the bath. Now, she's getting ready for what can be any woman's nightmare.)

Serena: Okay. Time to weigh in.

(Luna is stretching outside on the roof. Her stretch is interrupted, however, by a familiar cry.)

Serena: Waaaaah!

(Back inside, Serena's parents and her little brother, Sammy, peek in to see what's the matter.)

Tsukinos: Huh?

(Serena's on the floor... in tears.)

Serena: Ah! I'm a total fatso!

(Later, at dinner...)

Kenji Tsukino: Serena, don't be ridiculous. You are not overweight. You can't skip meals.

Ikuko Tsukino: It's bad for you.

Sammy: It's just half a pound, so what's the big deal?

Kenji Tsukino: Half a pound? That's it? That's the big crisis?

Ikuko Tsukino: It's nothing, sweetheart. You'll work it right off...

Tsukinos: ... on your hundred-yard dash to school.

(Serena is insulted.)

Serena: Oh... you don't care! None of you!

(She starts crying again.)

(Later, in Serena's bedroom, Luna has a talk.)

Luna: Serena, are you still upset about that half-pound you gained?

Serena: Uh huh.

Luna: So now you're going on a strict diet?

(Serena nods, then notices that Luna is drawing.)

Serena: Huh? What are you doing?

(Luna presents her with a crayon drawing of Serena as Sailor Moon. It makes her look very "fat".)

Luna: Drawing my favorite hero.

(She looks at it... and hates it.)

Serena: Ooh!

(It gives her even more conviction to go on a diet.)

(Meanwhile, in Queen Beryl's castle in the Negaverse...)

Queen Beryl: Jedite, what news?

(An image of Jedite appears and reports.)

Jedite: Very good news, my queen.

Queen Beryl: Yes, I must commend your efforts.

(He bows in respect and gratitude.)

Jedite: Thanks, Queen Beryl. I am only following your plan. You have tapped a bottomless resource.

Queen Beryl: I know. The humans are so vain.

Jedite: They are. They expend an absurd amount of energy on crazy diets of fanatic activity they call 'fitness.'

(Next morning, at Crossroads Junior High, Serena, Molly, Brandy, and Loraine are sitting on the grass outside talking.)

Molly: No way! Your parents let you diet?

Serena: Well...

(Loraine herself is a bit on the wide side.)

Loraine: My mother says girls our age should never diet.

Other Girls: But we're fourteen.

(Brandy turns to Serena.)

Brandy: So you're gonna start a heavy-duty diet? All right! Me too.

(Then Molly turns to Serena.)

Molly: So you're gonna totally quit eating?

Brandy: Sure!

Loraine: But that's really bad for you. You wanna lose weight? Cut the junk. All those ice cream sundaes and potato chips and root beer floats. Mmmm.

(The thought sends the girls reeling.)

Other Girls: What a sacrifice!

Brandy: I always lose weight really, really fast whenever I get a new boyfriend.

Loraine: Boyfriend? When did this happen?

(Brandy turns shy ...)

Brandy: Well...

(... but the girls press her.)

Other Girls: So spill.

Brandy: It's Michael.

Molly: 'Motor Mouth'?

Brandy: Why does everyone call him that?

Loraine: 'Cause, he's always mouthing off without thinking first and saying totally dumb things.

Brandy: So now you're saying my boyfriend's dumb?

Loraine: No.

(The two get up and almost start a catfight. Serena now doesn't know what to do.  Molly makes a suggestion.)

Molly: Maybe you should talk to Miss Haruna. She's been on a really major fitness kick lately.

(Serena gasps.)

Serena: She has?

Molly: For sure.

(As they talk, Miss Haruna walks behind all the girls and says hello.)

Miss Haruna: How are you, ladies?

(Serena notices that she does look terrific.)

Miss Haruna: I hope you're ready for today's test.

(With that, she heads inside. When she's gone...)

Serena: Wow, there IS something different about her.

(Melvin then pops in and offers Serena something interesting.)

Melvin: Hey there, Serena. Look at these cool pictures.

(The pictures are of Miss Haruna working out.)

Melvin: Miss H dropped them from her purse. Teachers aren't supposed to look THAT good.

Serena: No way.

(Serena and Molly gasp at the pictures.)

Melvin: I guess she's been working out.

(Then Molly remembers something. She questions Melvin.)

Molly: Where'd you really get these, Melvin? Miss H wasn't carrying a purse.

(Melvin realizes that the jig is up.)

Melvin: AAH!

(He turns tail and takes off with the girls right behind him.)

Serena & Molly: HUH?! Come back here! We wanna know!

(Melvin quickly ducks behind a crate. Molly zooms past him...)

Melvin: Oh. (Whew. That was close.)

(... but Serena goes the other way.)

Serena: There you are, Melvin.

(She takes Melvin's path and finds him.)

Melvin: Okay! Okay! I admit it! I borrowed the photo club's camera secretly and took those pictures, okay?

Serena: Oh Melvin, you are too weird, so just tell me. Where's Miss Haruna working out?

(She isn't going to cream him?)

Melvin: Huh?

(That afternoon, the girls go to the fitness club where Miss Haruna works out. A lady fitness instructor is on a screen in front of the building.)

Instructor: All RIGHT! Yeah! Super warmup, everybody! Now, let's aerobicize! Yeah, you can do it!

(Serena and the other girls are outside, noticing the screen.)

Instructor: Excellent! That's right! Give me lots of energy! We're gonna get in shape! Lift those legs, ladies! YES!

Girls: Wow!

Serena: Aerobics!

Molly: I can't wait to get started!

Other Girls: Let's do it!

Serena: 'Kay.

(As the girls step inside, someone watches them from the second floor window.)

Jedite: Ha ha ha ha. Excellent. More humans for our energy collection.

(Within minutes, the girls change into workout clothes and get ready to get fit. As the girls decide where to go . . .)

Serena: So what do you guys wanna do first?

Molly: I don't know. Something easy?

(...a fitness instructor steps into the hall. The sight of him drives the girls dreamy.)

Girls: Who's that?

(He's tall, thin but obviously fit, and very handsome. It's really Jedite posing as an instructor.)

Jed: I'm Jed. I'll show you around today.

(The girls are already blushing. He's so handsome.)

Girls: Oh...

Serena: Is he for real?

Molly: Gosh, I sure hope so.

Jed: Have you been here before, ladies?

(Their blushes intensify, and Serena has trouble speaking.)

Serena: Uh, no. It's the first time here for all of us.

(He indicates the direction.)

Jed: Well, right this way, then.

(Now in a workout room, the girls get started. Molly first tries pull-ups, but can't do them too well.  Brandy and Loraine are using exercise weights, and Serena is on a rowing machine.  As Serena finishes two hundred repetitions . . .”)

Instructor: Good. Two hundred more.

(Now Loraine's on a treadmill, struggling to keep up.)

Instructor #2: Not bad. Three more miles to go.

Jed: You're all doing great. Keep it up, girls. We'll have you in shape in no time at all.

(Molly's now on an exercise bike. She takes a break.)

Molly: Done yet, Brandy?

(Brandy's at a butterfly weight machine.)

Brandy: Almost. It's my last set.

Jed: Done? Oh, not by a long shot.

(He calls to Molly...)

Jed: Hey you! On the bike! Back to work!

(Molly blushes...)

Molly: Okay.

(...and starts pedaling again.)

(Finally...)

Jed: Great. Your workout's over.

(The three girls are exhausted.)

Jed: Now for your reward. After each workout, you get access to the beauty spa downstairs.

Molly: Great!

Loraine: Cool.

Brandy: We need it.

(The one girl who's conspicuously missing from the picture is Serena. She had opted out early and is now relaxing in her bathtub.)

Serena: Oh, I'm sure glad I bailed on those exercises early. Ooooh. I'm so sore. Ah. That was tough.

(Meanwhile, in the downstairs of the health club is an array of five pods connected by glowing tubes to a central orb above. The girls are scared.)

Brandy: What is this, Jed? This is weird.

Jed: Don't be scared. These are relaxation pods.

Girls: Huh?

(Jed(ite) tries to gain their confidence.)

Jed: You get inside these pods, and in a minute, you're completely relaxed. Try it. You'll feel like a brand new person.

Molly: Okay. I'm game. They look like some kind of weird space capsule.

Loraine: Yeah. Let's do it.

Brandy: Count me in!

Molly: Let's try it!

Jed(ite): Hmm...

(The three get into separate pods. The power kicks in, and the pods begin their real task... of draining the residual energy from their workout. Jed(ite) looks on and gives an evil smile.)

Jed(ite): 'Relaxation pods.' That's a good one. Ha ha ha ha. Queen Beryl will be most pleased.

(Queen Beryl is pleased indeed as she watches from her castle.)

Queen Beryl: Ha ha ha ha.

(After the "relaxation," the girls are now more exhausted than ever, having had the energy sucked out of them.)

Molly: I'm... exhausted.

Loraine: Major pooped.

(Jed(ite) covers up the truth.)

Jed: But you should see the glow you have on all your lovely faces.

(A total lie. In fact, they look kind of blue.)

Loraine: Huh?

Brandy: Really?

Molly: You think so?

Jed: I'm sure of it. The relaxation pods have worked wonders.

(The girls stumble on to their homes. Jed(ite) then finishes the sentence in his head.)

Jedite: Ha ha ha. Wonders for the Negaverse. Stupid humans. They're so easy to fool.

(He gathers the energy, which collapses itself into a ball, ready for delivery to Queen Beryl.)

Jedite: Ha ha ha ha. I shall feed their energy to the Negaforce. Arise, Queen Beryl. Your realm shall very soon include Earth. Ha ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA!

(The next day, Serena takes a walk downtown. However, because of her refusal of any food, she's weak and barely able to walk.)

Serena: This fitness business is a total snore. My stomach's growling so loud, you'd think. . . oooh... I'd swallowed a bear.

(A little boy then passes by, biting into a doughnut and carrying a bagful of them. The sight of food is driving Serena crazy.)

Serena: Hey kid!

Boy: Huh?

(There's a wild look in her eyes.)

Serena: You're not gonna eat all those doughnuts, are ya?

(The kid just stands there for a second, then, frightened, cries and runs away.)

Boy: MOMMY!

Serena: Huh? Oh, I don't believe that kid. What a totally selfish brat.

(Her signs of weakness are beginning to show. She tries to distract herself.)

Serena: Don't think... about food. Don't think about food.

(As she passes a Sailor V poster, she thinks...)

Serena: If only I were more like Sailor V. I bet she never has to diet.

(She drops her schoolbag and she's growing faint.... Fortunately, someone's there to catch her.)

Andrew: Serena, what's the matter?

(She had stumbled to the Crown Arcade, and Andrew had seen her.)

Serena: Nothing's the matter. Why?

Andrew: I thought you were gonna faint.

Serena: No way.

Andrew: Are you sure you're all right?

Serena: I would be if you'd just stop moving.

Andrew: Oh...

Serena: Everything's going round and round. It's all spinning...

(Then Serena loses consciousness. She begins to dream... of being in Andrew's arms.)

Serena: Wow. I'm dancing with Andrew. Ooh. I just wish I didn't have to leave. Goodbye, my love. It's been totally great."

Andrew: Don't do this, Serena. It's not good for you to stop eating. There's a better way, my darling.

Serena: But, I gained half a pound.

Andrew: So what? Look what you're doing to yourself.

Serena: What should I do?

Andrew: Have a big steak... with french fries and a chocolate malt.

Serena: Oh... a guy after my own heart.

(Serena wakes up, though still dazed. She's on the long chair in the arcade's office. Andrew is beside her, worried.)

Andrew: Here, Serena. Drink this.

(He offers Serena a can of soda, which she drinks. Walking past the arcade, Luna notices and jumps to the sill to watch. Serena soon regains her senses and realizes where she is. Then she notices Andrew... and blushes.)

Serena: Thanks, Andrew.

Andrew: I should be thanking you, Serena.

Serena: Huh?

Andrew: When you fainted into my arms, it made me so happy.

Serena: Huh? It did?

Andrew: Oh yeah. For the first time, I'm absolutely positive I really want to be a doctor.

(Serena gets a surprise with that remark.)

Serena: Oh, you wanna be a doctor? So you don't wanna work at the arcade anymore?

Andrew: Not forever.

(He laughs.)

Serena: Andrew, I don't want you to go.

Andrew: Well, first I need to finish school and earn my tuition, so I won't be leaving the arcade for a while, but listen, Serena. Are you dieting? 'Cause you look great. You don't need to lose a pound. In fact, I'm gonna take you out for a big lunch.

Serena: Lunch? Oh, really?

Andrew: Yep.

(Serena is ecstatic! Andrew laughs at her excitement.)

Serena: Yummy food!

(Several hours later, after Andrew had taken her out for lunch, Serena leaves a nearby doughnut shop with a bag full of doughnuts, and she immediately chows down.) Serena: Oh boy. This is delicious. I could eat ten of 'em.

(Then Darien meets up with her. She hates him for his lousy attitude and use of an insulting name.)

Darien: Meatball Head. Maybe I should be calling you 'Doughnut Head.' You're really chowing down.

Serena: Huh? Tease me all you like, Darien. You can't ruin the taste of this doughnut.

Darien: You're so selfish. The least you could do is offer me one.

(That did it.)

Serena: Gladly!

(And she throws one at him. He catches.)

Darien: Thanks, Doughnut Head.

(He munches on the doughnut. As he walks away...)

Darien: You know, that wasn't much of a throw. You should start working out.

Serena: Someday, I'll bean him good, and it won't be with a doughnut.

(Luna catches up with her, notices the doughnuts, and gives her a thorough scolding.)

Luna: Serena...

Serena: "Huh?"

Luna: He's right, you know? I've never seen you wolf down so many doughnuts.

(Remembering Luna's "wide" picture of her, she takes the wrapper for the doughnut and throws it at Luna.)

Serena: Buzz off!

(A little later, in the park . . .)

Serena: What's wrong with me, Luna? How come I never have any discipline or self-control?

Luna: Well... not eating's certainly not gonna solve your problem.

Serena: I ate.

Luna: I'll say. You were a total piglet at the restaurant, and then you went and bought those doughnuts.

(Serena is shocked. Luna had seen the whole thing!)

Luna: How many of those did you pack away?

Serena: Let's see here. I ate two, three, maybe four, okay. Five.

(Then realizing the number...)

Serena: Am I gonna turn into a doughnut?!

Luna: You see, if you'd just kept to your normal eating habits, you wouldn't have been starving so much.

(Serena gets nightmarish thoughts of her really being "fat".)

Serena: Oh man. This is. . . real bad. Oh, I'm a blimp!

(Serena starts pitying herself. Luna tries to get some sense into her.)

Luna: You're not fat, and you're not a blimp. Serena, it's time you got your mind back on what's important, which is fighting the Negaverse.

(That didn't work, so she tries something else.)

Luna: YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH DIETING!

(That snapped her to.)

Serena: Quit preaching! I hear you!

Luna: That's news to me.

(Serena has had enough of Luna.)

Serena: I'm not listening to you anymore. I'm becoming a blimposaurus.

(As Serena runs off...)

Luna: Wait! Don't run away! We've got Sailor business to discuss.

(But Serena doesn't listen. )

Serena: I can't. I have to work out.

(Later, at the health club, Serena gets to her workout at a fever pace! Luna is disgusted.)

Luna: Oh dear. It's even worse than I thought.

(Then she notices something.)

Luna: Who's that?

(It's Miss Haruna, plodding listlessly down the hall as if a zombie.)

Luna: That's Serena's teacher. She looks like she's in a trance. I better check it out.

(Luna heads inside and follows Miss Haruna's path down to the "relaxation room.")

Luna: I'm getting strange vibrations down here. (She notices a light.)

Luna: What is that?

(She gets a closer look as Jedite gloats in his evil plot.)

Jedite: Ha ha ha ha. So nice to see you back, Miss Haruna. I'm afraid your teaching days will soon be over.

(Now Luna realizes what it is. It's an energy drainer from the Negaverse!  And the man supposedly called "Jed"...)

Luna: Jedite!

(Serena is busy at an exercise bike when Luna leaps at her, knocking her off.)

Luna: SERENA!

Serena: AAAAH! I was burning fat!

(Luna just meows and runs out of the room.)

Serena: Luna, come back!

(Serena follows, figuring that something's up. Once out of the room...)

Serena: Luna?

(Luna leaps at her.)

Serena: This better be good. What'd you do? Catch rabies?

(Luna tries again and manages to knock her down. Luna now sits on top of Serena, claws at the ready.)

Serena: AH! LUNA!

Luna: Just be quiet. You're going to listen to me, Serena, and you're going to listen good Understand?!"

(Serena doesn't want to get a scratch on her face, so...)

Serena: Uh... uh... Uh-huh."

Luna: The Negaverse is behind this whole thing. They've got an energy-sucking machine downstairs!

Serena: No way. That's the Relaxation Room.

Luna: (angrily growling) ''GRR! I AM TELLING YOU IT'S THEM!''

(With Luna's claws in front of her face, Serena listens.)

Serena: I guess we should check it out, huh?

Luna: It's Sailor business, Serena.

Serena: MOON PRISM POWER!

(Serena summons the power of her Moon Prism Locket and transforms into Sailor Moon, the Champion of Justice.)

(As Miss Haruna's energy is being drained away...)

Jedite: This will definitely be her last treatment.

(Just then...)

Sailor Moon: You let her go right now!

Jedite: Hmm?

(Jedite turns around. Just who he doesn't need. Sailor Moon!)

Sailor Moon: Game's over, buddy! I know you. You're working for the Negaverse!

(Jedite tries to cover up. Taking up his "Jed" voice...)

Jedite: Oh, there must be some mistake.

(She doesn't buy it.)

Sailor Moon: No mistake. I am Sailor Moon, and I am the Champion of Justice.

(This time, she gets her entrance straight.)

Sailor Moon: On behalf of the Moon, I shall right wrongs and triumph over evil, and that means YOU!

(Jedite has heard this once too often. He calls on the instructors.)

Jedite: Well boys, looks like it's time for a workout... on HER!"

(The instructors from the health club go after her. Wearing Evil Crowns, they follow Jedite's every command.) (One throws his exercise weight at her, which she dodges. The others, however, surround her.)

Sailor Moon: Oh no! Woah, they didn't look this big before.

Jedite: Have a good workout, Miss Moon.

(Jedite himself escapes into the Negaverse with the energy he has gathered.)

Sailor Moon: Luna! Get me out of here! Now, please!

Luna: No, Serena. You are Sailor Moon. You have to stand and fight. Be brave. Use your Tiara. You can beat 'em!

(The instructors go after her. Sailor Moon tries to run away.)

Luna: Hey, wait! What are you doing? Serena?

Sailor Moon: What's it look like, Luna?

Luna: What about Miss Haruna? You have to save HER.

(She regains some sense.)

Sailor Moon: Miss H. You're right. She's still in there.

(She turns around and readies. One of the instructors jumps at her. This time, however, Sailor Moon fights back, punching his gut and kicking his face. The one who threw the weight earlier throws his other weight, but he misses and hits the drain machine's core, destroying it and releasing the energy in a blinding flash. She takes advantage of the moment.)

Sailor Moon: You guys need an attitude adjustment.

(She takes off her Moon Tiara, and it transforms into a weapon. She readies...)

Sailor Moon: MOON TIARA MAGIC!

(...and throws the Tiara. It flies past the instructors and destroys the Evil Crowns, freeing the instructors' minds.)

Sailor Moon: Hey guys, you all right?

Instructor: What? What happened, you guys? I'm feeling woozy.

Sailor Moon: Whew. I'm glad they aren't real bad guys.

(Later, in Beryl's castle, Jedite feeds his ball of energy to Queen Beryl's orb while she gives Jedite a thorough scolding for botching his mission.)

Queen Beryl: Jedite, you were forced to abandon the plan much sooner than anticipated. Jedite, I'm disappointed. How is it that we were discovered so soon?

Jedite: I'm not exactly sure, my queen, but that Sailor Moon is getting on my nerves.

(That evening, Serena relaxes in the bathtub.)

Serena: This is bliss.

(She's been in there for a while, and her mom is wondering why.)

Ikuko Tsukino: Serena, are you almost finished?

Serena: Yeah. Why?

Ikuko Tsukino: Because your brother's been waiting quite a while.

Serena: All right. Tell him I'll be out in a minute.

Ikuko Tsukino: Okay. Thanks.

(Sammy is waiting outside the bathroom. As his mother steps out ...)

Sammy: I'm not really waiting around here to take a bath, you know?

Ikuko Tsukino: Well then, what ARE you waiting for? Is something wrong?

Sammy: Nah. Just playing a practical joke on her.

(He had tampered with the scale. When Serena steps on...)

Serena: WAAAAAAH!

Ikuko Tsukino: Huh?

Sammy: Huh?

Serena: It can't be! I don't weigh three hundred pounds! Mama, I broke the bathroom scaaaaaale!