How to Get Rid of Alan Harper

Hi. This is Jeff; Jeff Strongman. So what happened between you and your girl? She wanted to get married and I'm just not sure I'm ready. It's the same reason I lost Lyndsey. It's like we were dating the same woman. I am gonna ask Lyndsey to marry me. Lyndsey MacElroy will you marry me? Yes! I will marry you! Everything you need to know is right in here. Somebody gave me a billion dollar idea-- thought controlled computing. We have so much work to do and all I can think about is you and me-- wow Gotta stop thinking about sex. This is Walden Schmidt saying-- Pudding. I think the computer just read his thoughts! It worked. Yes! Someone's not wearing a bra. Men. This is great! My best friend, my fiancÃ©e and a great bottle of French wine. Uh, uh, technically it's French Canadian. Uh, it's called "Two-buck Canuck," and, uh, it's not wine, it's wine-ish. Um, but it still gets the panties on the floor, if you know what I'm talking about. Maybe you should have another glass, Lyndsey. I'm good. Hey, uh, how about you, Larry? No, I'm not wearing panties. All righty, so, uh, guess we're done with this. So how long of an engagement are you guys planning? Uh, two years? Five years? I mean, you know, there's no rush to start a family. I mean, after all, uh, Lyndsey's well beyond her child-bearing age. Well, we have talked about adopting a baby from China. Oh! Course, then we'd have to teach it English, which seems like a lot of work. Would you mind getting desert, sweetie? Sure. Sure. Um, kidding. Uh, this one's on you, sweetie. All right, but no funny business while I'm gone. I'll know, Jeff. You haven't so far. I've been banging this one for months. Oh! I love this guy! She does too! Isn't this fun? Yeah. It's great. Why the hell are you here? Larry asked me to dinner. What was I supposed to say? That you couldn't come. That you had to work. That you're not really Jeff Strongman and your entire friendship is a lie. That I had to work-- that's a good one. Alan, this wedding is very important to me. If you still have any feelings for me at all, you will let me have this day. Fine. I shan't go. But good luck getting the Chicken Dance started without me. Hey, Jeff, you want a piece of Lyndsey's pie? There's no way I can eat it all myself. I don't know. Last time I had some, there was a hair in it. Jeff was actually just saying that he's got to get going. Mm. Really? Oh. Well, then I'll make this quick. I know we haven't known each other for a long time, but I feel like we share a lot. M-More than you know. So I was wondering if you'd do me the honor of being my best man? What?! What?! What do you say? I say you've made me the happiest person in the world-- yes! You sure? Don't you want to take a moment to think about it? What is there to think about? You know, you could change my name from "Jeff Strongman", to "Jeff Best Man. " That's the kind of stuff I want in your toast! And this is the kind of stuff you're gonna get on the dance floor: Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah. Men. Men. Oh. Oh. Wait. Hey, good lookin'. Whatcha got cookin'? Pot brownies. What the hell is that? It's a new project I'm working on. It enables a computer to read my mind and then talk to you. Why can't you just talk to me? Because, I and this shut up. Come on, try it. I think it's big enough. I think it'll fit. The last time someone said that, I ended up pregnant with my first daughter. Hey I got good news. I'm paid to pick up your crap, not listen to it. Guess who Larry asked to be his best man? One of his friends who's actually real? Jeff Strongman is like butter on movie theater popcorn. He may not be real, but he's delicious nonetheless. Okay, so, let me get this straight: your alter ego, Mm-hmm. is going to be the best man at the wedding of your lover and another guy? When you put it like that, it sounds like a soap opera on Telemundo. SeÃ±or Strongman, why do you make love to the woman of the man you love? Lyndsey? Are you insane? Oh, si, SeÃ±or Strongman es muy loco. How could you say "yes", to being Larry's best man? I don't know. I got excited. And you and I both know when I get excited, I tend to react prematurely. Why would you even want to go? Are you kidding me?! I mean, just 'cause you're mad at me right now doesn't mean I'm going to miss the wedding of someone I love. Aw that's very sweet. I was talking about Larry. Oh! Ow! Ah! Dios mÃ­o! Alan, I don't care how you do it, fake Jeff Strongman's death-- actually die. You will not be at my wedding. She will be back here in three seconds looking for make-up sex. One Two Three. Three. You're an idiot. I'm, um, I'm sorry. That was wrong. TÃº eres una idiota. Men. All right, Bill Gates Steve Wozniak and Mark Zuckerberg. Ooh, that's a tough one. Yeah. I'd definitely kill Mark Zuckerberg bang Bill Gates, marry Steve Wozniak. What?! That's crazy. I mean, yes, you have to kill Zuckerberg. But you gotta marry Bill. I mean, I've seen it before, he is gonna take those glasses off and shake is hair loose and you're gonna be like, "Where did this guy come from?" I hear you, but I'm still marrying Woz. I'm a boob man. Are you guys playing "Bang, Marry, Kill" again? 'Cause if you are, I've got one for you: Angelina Jolie, Mila Kunis and me. I would kill you by banging you to death on our honeymoon. Aw And then after the funeral, Angelina Jolie. I would love to bang Mila Kunis. Not gonna happen, Barry. All right. I'm out of here. I thought we were gonna grab some dinner. I can't. I got a thing. You got a thing. I got a thing. We put our things together, we have some fun. Hey, every time I say stuff like that, I get pepper sprayed. That was one time, Barry and my mom still feels bad about it. I'll make it up to you tomorrow, I promise. What's your mom up to these days? Shut up, Barry. Better hope I don't run into Mila Kunis. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. Men. Hey! There's my best man! Groom goes the dynamite. Come on in. I've got some beer on ice and sports on ice. Oh, yeah! You're right! Uh, tonight's the finals of the pairs ice dancing. You're hilarious. Hey, you got to do this gay character in your best man toast. Uh, about that, you know I'm-I'm-I'm not sure that I'm the right person to be your best man. I'll probably just end up drinking too much and getting yelled at by the bride and singing a tearful, yet moving version of "All by Myself. " At least, that's what happened at my wedding. Well, you're not getting cold feet, are you, buddy? Well, no, it's just that it's your special day. I mean, y-you sure that there isn't somebody more deserving to be your best man? A-a-a brother? A college roommate? Someone who knows your last name? God, you're a riot. There's nobody I'd rather stand with at that altar than you, Jeff. Why do you have to be so darn sweet? Plus, I'm counting on you to help me out with the most important part of this wedding-- bachelor party. Outfits. I was thinking black tie. Sure, black girls, Thai girls, whatever you want. Larry, where can I put this poop? Ooh! And who do we have here? This is my sister Gretchen. She just moved here. Gretchen, this is Jeff Strongman. Oh, yeah! Hey, from what I hear, I should call you "Jeff Best Man. " Oh, my God, that's what I said. Um, so, where's your dog? In the garage trying to wipe his ass. Now, I couldn't find the trash. It's out back. I got it. You can tell I love her, 'cause I take a lot of crap from her. Get it? Crap. And he's Mom's favorite. I hear you. Luckily, my brother's dead. Oh. So uh uh, you just moved here? Yeah. My brother's letting me crash here. I told him it was just for a couple days, but, between you and me, it's a pretty sweet deal. Huh. I should try that. Part of me thinks I should just stay here till he dies. Why stop there? Why not move in with the next guy who buys the house? Yeah. So, uh, what do you do? I'm a vet. I moved out here to run an animal shelter. Oh so that tasteful sports bra covers a tender heart? Well, the puppies at the shelter aren't the only ones that need support. Well, I'd uh, I'd love to meet your furry little friend. Oh. I mean, I'm talking about the dog. Um Not that I don't want to meet-- Never mind, uh So, you run a shelter? Yeah. I've always had a soft spot for strays that no one else wanted to take in. Men. Hey. Ho, ho, ho-- somebody is gettin' laid tonight. Thank you. No, not you. I just found a late night booty call on Craigslist. Hello, BoobaFett420. You know, Barry, sometimes the picture isn't who you get. Oh, tell me about it. I used your picture. Where's Nicole? Ugh. Nicole. Yikes. This is gonna be tough. What happened? She's dead. What? No, she just blew you off again. I was just trying to soften the blow. The second time she canceled. Something's going on. Look, I'm sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation. She say anything? Just that she would call you later. But on the plus side, I'm available now. Dave and Buster's, party of two. We're not going to Dave and Buster's. We're gonna track down my girlfriend. Now shut up and get in the car. Oh, my God, you sound just like my dad. Men. This is impressive. How'd you track her down at the restaurant? GPS? Triangulate the cell phone signal? No, she asked me to make the reservations for her. Look at her in there. Happy as can be. I'll have an order of seared Walden's Heart. Hold the trust and honesty. Okay, okay, let me try one. You know, honey, I'm worried about Bobby. His grades have really been slipping. Who are you doing? That serious-looking couple in the corner. Well, I'm worried about the fact that you always have to drive the baby-sitter home. I'm just doing Nicole. Well, somebody's doing Nicole, but it's clearly not you. Why does this always happen to me? Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, girl breaks boy's heart, boy ends up in car with socially awkward friend. Come on, man. You know chicks. She's probably just playing hard to get. "You can't just show up at my house like this, Barry. " "Where'd you get those pictures, Barry?" "Stop washing my car in jean shorts, Barry. " D-Do you have to notify people when you move into a new neighborhood? Oh Who's that guy? A waiter? Yeah. A waiter who likes to hug. Oh! Maybe it's Bobby, the son of the serious couple. Will you stop that? Hey, don't yell at me. I'm not the one cheating on you. You know, new rule: no more talking. You know, honey, I'm worried about the way the man in that car is treating his friend. Men. Men. Hey. What you doing? Filling out an application. You're getting a job? No, I'm getting a medical marijuana card. "What is your medical condition?" Stress. Brought on by lack of marijuana. Hey, can I can I run something by you? I think Nicole's cheating on me. Why do you think that? I followed her and I saw her with another guy. That can mean a lot of things. Well-well, we were supposed to go out and then she canceled last minute and then she lied to me about where she was going. Bitch be cheatin'. Guess who's dating someone new. His girlfriend. Really? That sucks. Her name is Gretchen, and she's amazing. Is this the beginning of the end of the whole Jeff Strongman thing? Uh, au contraire, uh, she's actually dating Jeff Strongman. She's Larry's sister. Uh, oh, and, uh, I'm still the best man in Lyndsey's wedding. Standard best man stuff: Throw a bachelor party, give a toast at the wedding, assume a false identity and bang both the bride and the sister of the groom. Wow. When you put it that way, it sounds like a soap opera on Telemundo. That's what I said! What does Lyndsey think of all this? I don't know. Um, Alan hasn't told her and Jeff Strongman doesn't care. How is it that SeÃ±or Strongman has two girls and I have none? Because you're not willing to lie and treat women like crap so you can get laid. You're a romantic. You think every girl you meet is your soul mate. You're ready to move in after the first date. We have a term for guys like you in the Lesbian community. It's "lesbian. " Men. Hey. How you doing? Great. I didn't sleep at all last night. I just kept thinking about Nicole and that guy. I found my first gray hair. Not on my head. Yeah. I didn't sleep much, either. I met up with BoobaFett420. Turned out the "420" was in reference to her weight. Hey. Look who it is. I'm really sorry about last night, but there's something I want to talk to you about. Is it your pants? 'Cause they're on fire. 'Cause you're a liar. What? We saw you at the restaurant with a guy last night. You followed me? No, actually, we followed a really handsome guy who you had dinner with and just happened to run into you. I wanted to go to Dave and Buster's. All right. Okay, I was waiting for a better time to tell you this, but the guy I had dinner with last night works for Google. Oh W Get Barry, Google "betrayal" and Oh, actually, Bing "betrayal" and let's see what comes up. Yep. Picture of Nicole. I didn't really Google it. That's my screen saver. It's not what you think. He offered me a job in San Francisco. They're working on the same technology that we are, and he said that I could pick my own team and that's you guys. Oh, my God. Yeah. I've never been picked for a team. And you're gonna do this? We are so close. Well, they're a lot closer. Wow. I mean, the chances of us beating Google are one in a googol. I bet we'll get to make jokes like that all the time at Google. Who cares if they beat us? We'll create something else. All we have to do is believe in ourselves and we can change the world. Now, they're giving you an opportunity to work for Google. I'm giving you an opportunity to be Google. I have to take this. I'm sorry. So you're just going to San Francisco? Where does that leave us? Well, I mean, we were we were just having fun, right? Yeah, fun. Okay. Good. I'm just I just I'm glad you're not one of those people who thinks every person they meet is their soul mate. Or that-that you would think that we were moving in with each other just 'cause we had sex. She's not a lesbian, dude. I gotta call the guy back. Go ahead. Good luck in San Francisco. Thanks. All right. I'm sorry, buddy. I'm here for you. Appreciate that. You know, actually what she's offering is a pretty good deal, so if you wanted to go with her Oh, thank God. Men. So tell me about Gretchen. Well, um, there isn't much to tell. I, um I grew up in Chicago, I went to Northwestern, became a veterinarian, married the man of my dreams but apparently he was dreaming of banging my best friend, so How 'bout you? Uh, I haven't met your best friend. Is she hot? You know I neuter dogs for a living. Are you threatening or offering? So-so, uh, what brought you to L. A. ? Uh, just looking for a fresh start. You know? I mean, out here, I can be whoever I want to be. I can reinvent myself. Mm. I thought about doing that. But in the end, I can't be anyone but Jeff Strongman. Well, I wouldn't mind a strong man in the end. Ooh, dirty word play. I'm vibrating. I'm growing. No, uh no, our-our table's ready. Oh, great, great. Uh, well, let's take our wine and have a seat. Yeah, or, um, you know, there's 20 minutes left in happy hour. I mean, we could just stay here and fill up on two-for-one appetizers and half-off drinks. Yes! I mean, you know, if that's what you want. It's just I hate spending money unnecessarily. Anything we don't finish is going home with us. I tell 'em it's for the dogs, but woof. Gretchen do you believe in love at first sight? Men. Men. What the hell is "wine-ish"? Hey. Hey. How was the date? Best date ever. We are perfect for each other. It's like it's like God cloned me and gave me boobs and a vagina. Alan, can't you see that this Jeff Strongman stuff is only gonna cause you problems? Actually, I'm starting to think Alan Harper is the problem. I mean, Jeff Strongman has a girlfriend, a best friend and he's practically debt-free. Practically? He may have received a free credit card offer that was a little too good to pass up. Jeff Strongman has a credit card? And get this, Alan Harper got Now I just need to figure out a way to get rid of Alan Harper. It's not as easy as you think! Barry. I thought about what you said and I decided I want to stay and work with you. I mean, I don't want to work for Google. I want to be Google. Really? Yeah. I want to change the world. Hey. We're gonna do great things together. Hell, yeah, we are. All right. So where do I sleep?