Interview With a Platypus

(Scene opens up showing Phineas, Ferb, and Perry in the backyard.)

Phineas: What to do, what to do, what to do today. Any ideas, Ferb?

(Ferb shrugs)

Phineas: What about you, Perry? Bursting with any plans?

(Perry chatters)

Phineas: Ah. I'll never get tired of you doing that.

(Perry chatters)

Phineas: Awesome. (Chatters) Come on, Ferb. Fire one off.

Ferb: (Chatters)

(All chattering)

Phineas: I wonder what that means.

(Perry chatters)

Phineas: Hey, Ferb! I know what we're gonna do today! Let's build a Perry translator. We can finally figure out what (Chatters) means. Some say he's just a mindless platypus, but he might actually be thinking some profound thoughts. Just like another quiet animal I know.

(All chattering)

(Scene shifts to Candace's room)

Candace: Stacy, it's been four days. (Rolls her chair to a picture referencing Cinderella. The faces are replaced with Candace and Jeremy's faces) I'm not expecting Prince Charming to bring me a glass slipper or anything, but a phone call would be nice. (Phone beeping) Hold on, I've got another call. (Gasps) (Holds up the phone, showing a heart with Jeremy's face in it) It's him! Call you back! Bye! (Phone beeps) Hello?

Jeremy: Hey, Candace. It's Jeremy.

Candace: Well, good morrow to you, sir.

Jeremy: Huh?

Candace: (Chuckles) I mean, what's up?

Jeremy: I just got the new Destruction Mayhem 3 game. I thought maybe you'd like to come over and try it out.

Candace: (Sarcastically) Oh, yeah, you, me, and little Suzy playing a video game, huh?

Jeremy: Suzy? No. She's at her friend's house. (The door knocks and he pauses the game) Uh, hold on, Candace. Someone's at the door. (Opens the door)

Candace: (Panting) So, video games?

(Song: Quirky Worky Song (Instrumental))

(Back at the backyard, Phineas sets up the animal translator's mic and pounds it)

Phineas: All set over here!

(Ferb plugs in a tube and flips a switch. He thumbs up signalling it's set)

Phineas: Okay. Now all we need is our subject. Where's Perry?

(Perry slides down a tube and lands on his chair. Inside the lair, the lights go up and down as electricity fizzes in the background)

Major Monogram: Ah, there you are, Agent P. Sorry about the lights. We're using an alternative energy source, and haven't got it working smoothly yet. I decided it was high time our operation went green. All right, assignment, assignment. Oh, let's see... We're saving paper by printing on the same one over and over again, so... Uh, sorry for the life on me. (Turns the paper, showing black ink all over it) I can't make this out. Hmm... Well, I'm sure it says something about Doofenshmirtz. Go get him!

(Perry salutes and leaves)

Major Monogram: (Gets up and walks off-screen) For crying out loud, Carl, (Carl is seen pedaling the generator, panting) pedal faster. I gotta check my E-mail.

(Perry comes out of a fence board)

Phineas: Perry! (Perry switches to pet mode. Phineas walks on-screen) Oh, there you are. Come on, boy. Here, just take a seat. (Puts him on a stool) Stay. All set.

(Ferb turns on the translator)

Phineas: (Holding up a mic) Okay, Perry. It's time to hear what's on your mind. Hit me with your (Chatters) shot.

(Perry is about to chatter when Isabella interrupts)

Isabella: Hey, Phineas! What'cha dooooin'?

Phineas: Oh. Ferb and I invented a Perry translator so we can finally figure out what he's saying.

Isabella: That's great. (Her face becomes sheepish) But don't you need Perry to be here for it to work?

Phineas: (Turns his head, noticing Perry is gone) That was weird. Perry was here a second ago.

Translator: I sure love worms. (Phineas and Ferb hear this and turn to Isabella, thinking she said that)

Isabella: Don't look at me.

Translator: Big, fat, juicy worms!

(Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella hear the voice and turn to the microphone on the translator. A red bird is shown on the mic. The bird then chirps into the microphone.)

Translator: Gotta find 'em, gotta eat 'em!

(The bird flies off)

Phineas and Isabella: Whoa.

(The bird lands on a tree branch)

Phineas: Hello, birdie. Do you understand me?

(Bird chirps)

Translator: Aren't you a little young for inter-speciel communication?

Phineas: Yes. Yes I am. How about you, squirrel? Do you understand me? (Points the mic at the squirrel)

(Squirrel squeaks)

Translator: Oh, I do. Do you have any nuts for me?

Isabella: That's so cute.

Squirrel: (Squeaks)

Translator: Yeah yeah yeah, I'm cute. I'm cute. Now, nut me.

Phineas: Wow. This works on all animals.

Isabella: Hey, do you think it would work on my dog, Pinky? He barks at the door when a doorbell rings on TV. I'd love to explain the whole concept to him.

Phineas: Couldn't hurt to try.

Isabella: (Runs off) Great! I'll be right back.

Phineas: Wow! With a device like this, all animals can finally say what's on their minds.

(The bird chirps and flies off, and chirps as it flies. The pigeons hear it, and they fly off. A dog hears it, barks, and enters a dog door, barking at the cats. The cats meow and run out the dog door, and more animals run down the street to the driveway at the Flynn-Fletcher house)

(Scene shifts to the Johnson house)

Jeremy: I'm really glad you wanted to come over, Candace. Most girls really aren't into stuff like this.

Candace: Pssh. Most girls. I guess I'm just cool like that. Yup, love me my video games. (A poodle pops up) Who's this?

Jeremy: Yeah, that's Suzy's dog. (Rubs her head) Who's a good girl? Who's a good girl? Yeah.

Candace: Yeah. Who's the good girl? Who's the good girl?

(The poodle growls at Candace)

Candace: Obviously, not me.

Doofenshmirtz out in the forest!

(Perry snaps a stick on the ground. Doofenshmirtz turns around)

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus? Don't be shy, It's just me. Come here. (A cage falls) (Laughs) You like my new cage? I got it from a second-hand shark supply store. It was half off, because you know, something bit half of it off. So, here's my evil plan: With this remote, I will open the Danville Dam, flooding all the streets and creating beautiful waterways! Like the canals in Venice, Italy! (Italian music plays) Or to a lesser extent, Venice, California. (Surf rock music plays) But how will people get around? They will have to buy my latest invention! It's like a car, but it can drive on the surface of water. (Pulls the tarp) Behold! You like it? I call it the Buoyancy Operated Aquatic Transport, or BO-AT for short. Everyone will want one.

(Scene shifts to the Flynn-Fletcher house, where there's a long line of animals waiting to use the animal translator)

(Cat meows)

Phineas: Yeah, I see what you're saying, but you don't have an argument. They're giving you 12 cans a day. Technically, you're not underfed. All right, next!

(Scottish Terrier barks)

Phineas: Oh yeah. I've been getting a lot of complaints about the vacuum. Just let it out.

(Scene shifts back to the Johnson house)

Candace: Hey, look at this. I'm getting the hang of it. (Game beeping)

Jeremy: No, actually Candace, you just paused it. (Game sounds) And now you've reset the game.

(Liquid splatting)

Candace: (Gasps) Oh no. These we're brand new.

Jeremy: Hey, bad dog! That's weird. Suzy trained her so well.

Candace: (Suspiciously) I see. Suzy trained her.

I can't believe this. Hey, that's my shoe!

Jeremy: Uh, okay in there, Candace?

Candace: Yeah, yeah. (at poodle) (Gasps) Don't even think about it! (Gasps, throws paper towels into toilet)

Poodle: (Drops shoe)

(Candace flushes the toilet)

Candace: Where's my shoe? No, no, no! (Grunting)

(Splash)

Jeremy: Hey, Candace. Ready for the third level? (Door slams) Candace?

(Scene shifts to the backyard at the Flynn-Fletcher house)

Isabella: Phineas?

Phineas: What's up?

Isabella: Okay. We've got 78 complaints about food quantity, 42 requests for belly rubs, and we're still trying to explain TV to Pinky.

Milly: Again, forget the idea of little people in there.

Isabella: So, what exactly are we supposed to do with this information?

Phineas: Hmm...

Ginger: Okay. The Jones's hamster is gonna lose it if someone doesn't oil the wheel in its cage.

Hamster: Hmph!

Ginger: Well, what now?

Phineas: That's what we'll do. Let's tell all the owners what their pets want! Starting with this little fella right here. (hamster squeaks) Sorry. Lady. Lady right here. (at Candace) Hey, Candace!

Candace: What is going on here?

Phineas: We made an animal translator! We'll tell you all about it later. Right now we're on a mission. Come on, guys.

Isabella: See ya, Candace!

Candace: An animal translator? I have had it up to HERE with stupid animals today! Why would you wanna know what stupid animals are saying? Oh, I can tell you what they'll say: "I'm an animal and I bite my own heinie!" "I've got a small cranial capacity!" "Look at me! I don't have opposable thumbs!" (The animals start to become angry at Candace's statements and begin growling at her) "I eat with my face!" "I sweat through my tongue!" "I'm a furry-flea bitten loser! LIKE ANY OTHER ANIMAL ON THIS PLANET!"

("planet" echoes)

Doberman: (barks into mic)

Translator: Get her!

(animals growling)

Candace: (screams)

(Song: Perfect Day)

It's a perfect day,

It's in the mid '70s

(Candace screams)

Humidity at 60%

It's a perfect day,

Not a cloud in the sky and I

Can say with out fear and dissent

It's a picture postcard perfect kind of

A summer afternoon,

It's a perfect day

(Ahh, ahh, ahh)

It's a perfect day

Yeah

It's a perfect day,

The birds are singing

The bees are pollinating the flowers

It's a perfect day,

The fauna is fawning

And frolicking away all the hours

It's a picture postcard perfect kind of

A summer afternoon,

It's a perfect day

(Candace screaming)

(Ahh, ahh, ahh)

It's a perfect day (X3)

(animals shrieking)

Band members: Oof! (Groaning)

Doofenshmirtz: Now, Perry the Platypus, with a push of this button, we will move out of the automobile age, and USHER IN THE AGE OF THE BO-AT! I'm driving on water! Look at me! I'm BO-AT-ing! Woo-hoo! Living the dream! Perry the Platypus? How did-- I always forget you are a semi-aquatic mammal. (Perry kicks Doofenshmirtz in the face)

Candace: MOM! MOM! ANIMALS HATE ME!

Linda: Oh, honey. That's just ridiculous. Perry likes you.

(Animals growling, water floods them away)

Candace: (sighs) Huh. Huh. Never mind.

(Perry kicks Doofenshmirtz in the face)

Doofenshmirtz: Aah!

(Perry the Platypus Theme instrumental)

Doofenshmirtz: No! Don't open the Metropolitan Oval Aquatic Trench! (moat opens up) No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, look! It spells "MOAT". I never noticed that before. Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

Candace: Mom! You're here! Come on, come on! You gotta see this!

Linda: Candace, will you--

Candace: Aha! (gasps) I can't believe it. Everything is still here. There it is! They built an animal translator!

Linda: Oh, that's adorable.

Candace: Wait. No, it is not!

Phineas: Hey, Mom. We built an animal translator. Look!

Candace: See? You're gonna see. It really works! Heeheeheeheehee.

Phineas: Okay, Perry. We've been waiting all day for this.

(Perry chatters)

Translator: (plays back Perry's chatter)

Phineas: Oh, well. I guess it doesn't mean anything.

Linda: Aw, you know he's saying, "You guys are the best!" Now, come on everyone. Inside for some lemonade.

Candace: Bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-but... (sighs)

Jeremy: Hey, Candace.

Candace: Jeremy?

Jeremy: Hey, where'd you go?

Candace: Well, I-

Jeremy: I brought you your shoe.

Candace: Oh.

Jeremy: Oh, don't worry. I washed it. Here. Allow me.

(Candace faints)

Jeremy: Uh, Candace? You 'kay?

Candace: (Sighs) Enchanted.