Big Orange

Growing up, my brother Barry had a favorite shirt he couldn't live without. It logged nearly 7,000 hours on his body and took part in over 2,000 loads of laundry. He even gave it a name, Big Orange.

Bye, Mom, off to school.

Whoa! Back it up.

It's picture day for the yearbook. You're not wearing that shirt.

The creamsicle orange really makes me pop off the page.

No. No way. You wear that thing all the time.

Just look at these pictures from last year.

Wrestling team, orange shirt.

Beatboxing club, orange shirt.

Nunchucking Society, orange shirt.

Don't forget Zombie Survival Club. Colleges are gonna snap me up.

You know what the coolest club is?

The handsome Oxford button down club! Huh?

Look at me and know this.

I will never take off Big Orange.

I will get married in this shirt.

I will win the Super Bowl in this shirt.

I will become President of the United States of America in this shirt.

Well, then I'm not gonna come to your inauguration.

Who am I kidding? Of course I'll be there.

And I'll iron that shirt.

And as bad as it was for my mom, it was even worse for his girlfriend Lainey.

Happy anniversary, babe!

Dude, I spent hours on my make-up, fixing my hair, and squeezing into this dress.

I'm so lucky I'm a boy.

I woke up like this. I was wearing this shirt and everything.

♪

Lainey always looked at my mom as a surrogate smother, but nothing bonded them more than one thing.

God, I hate that shirt.

He looks like a walking circus peanut.

He looks like an angry Cheez-It.

It's like I'm dating a glass of Tang.

Once, when he was wearing it, a panhandler gave him change.

I had a dream I married it and we had little orange shirt babies.

I wish I could get him to ditch it once and for all, but he won't listen to me.

(scoffs) Or me.

Wait.

What about us.

Us?

Separately, we can't control him, but together, we can join forces and destroy him!

With love.

I like where this is going.

We hit him hard and fast.

Let's juice this orange.

Babe. We're gonna take you to the mall and buy a new shirt.

Already got one. Thanks.

Really think you should let us take you shopping, Schmoo.

Mm, maybe some other time.

Oh, assuming there is time.

I'm just trying to help you, Barry.

And so the mother-girlfriend onslaught began. My mom and Lainey spent the next 10 minutes laying down the most intense guilt trip our family had ever seen.

All I know is I'll probably just die brokenhearted.

If that's the truth, then why don't you trust me?

Do you not love me?

Okay.

Great!

Wonderful.

(Both laugh)

What just happened?

I think you're going shopping for a new shirt, kiddo.

I really don't need one. This one's great.

(Muffled) Oh, shoot.

Oops.

♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪ ♪ I don't know the future ♪ ♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was May 11, 1980-something, and I was climbing the ladder to my treehouse. It was my sanctuary, the place I felt most safe.

Oh! Balls!

That's it. This treehouse is coming down.

Your mother told me to tear that thing immediately two years ago.

I was hoping it would rot from the tree, but no such luck.

No! You can't just destroy a piece of our childhood.

Trash it. It blocks my rays during peak sun.

Peak sun! There you go.

No. Don't listen to her.

That's my fortress of solitude.

(Groans) Can you please dismantle Adam's fortress of dorkitude now?

I would love to get a good base before pool-party season starts.

I'm gonna get my sledgehammer.

Never!

Damn it. Where are you going?

The only way to get me down is if you remove me yourself!

Whoa!

Please don't do this. That treehouse means everything to me.

Why is this the one time you're not giving in to your laziness?

Because I just had my morning nap.

Erica, help me out here. Dad's threatening to be handy.

Talk some sense into him!

What about your experience with me makes you think I'm gonna care about this conversation at all?

How can you say that? Don't you remember all the awesome stuff we used to do up there?

Sleepovers, stargazing, the bottle-rocket wars, the Goldberg Gang.

No idea what you're talking about.

Don't you?

Maybe the case of the missing skeletor will jog your memory.

Two days ago, our detective agency got a lead on a missing skeletor action figure. The details of the case reside in this dossier. Back in the day, kid crime solvers were all the rage. Nancy Drew inspired us to form our own detective agency with a completely original name...

Goldberg Gang here.

Or not.

After examining all our clues, our evidence leads us to this spot.

Dad? We need to see what's under you.

I told you I don't have your stupid toy, now stop aggriv...

Looks like Goldberg Gang is gonna have to set up one of those stealthy, intricate traps.

Dad, there's pizza in the kitchen.

What?

Yes! Case closed! To the treehouse!

Okay, stop! I remember the stupid Goldberg Gang.

Now erase the tape so I can go back to forgetting it.

Oh, come on. Can't we do one last case before the treehouse goes? Just like the old days?

Oh, look! Lucky's missing!

It's the case of the missing...

Damn it. She's right there.

As I was hoping to reunite the Goldberg Gang, Lainey and my mom were desperate to rid Barry of his trusty shirt.

I can't wait for you to try these on.

You're gonna be the handsomest boy in the whole world.

But you said I'm already the handsomest boy in the whole world.

Now you can break your own record!

Just like Wayne Gretzky!

The great one? Yes!

Distracting him with hockey people. You're good.

I learned from the best.

That day, Lainey and my mom manipulated Barry into the most epic trying-on-clothes montage that the '80s had ever seen. It started out fun, colorful, and somewhat stylish... But after two grueling hours and an ungodly amount of acid-washed denim... (Gasps) It became just plain ugly.

♪ And don't it feel good? ♪ ♪ I'll say it, I'll say it, I'll say it again, now ♪ ♪ And don't it feel good? ♪ ♪ Whoa ♪

He looks so cute!

We fixed him.

You sure about this?

Baby, I'm telling you, you look hot.

Richard Grieco hot.

Looks like Big Orange's reign of terror is finally over!

(Sighs)

Yeah, it wasn't.

Hey!

Um, what is happening right now?

What the (Bleep)?

You have a closet full of new clothes. Why is that back on your body?

I got an algebra quiz I'm not gonna study for, so I need my lucky shirt.

Oh, and Thursday is Naked Rob's birthday.

He expects me to dress up.

And Friday is Big Orange Friday.

Got to wear Big Orange.

It's back and more disgusting than ever.

How did it not work?

God, I just wish that shirt could disappear.

Couldn't it?

What are you saying?

Accidents happen all the time.

Look, I'm not saying we shouldn't do what you're suggesting right now, but if there was an accident...

Clothes are very fragile.

It's really got to look like one, if it were to happen.

Which it won't.

(Both chuckle)

Unless it does.

Ooh, Duran Duran is playing downtown this weekend.

Want to go?

Can't. It's my stepdad's last day before he turns himself in.

(Buzzer)

Boom! Dryer's done.

Come to papa, Big Orange.

Let those awesome threads magnify this awesome bod.

What the hell?

I could've sworn I...

(Gasps)

No.

No, no, no, no, no!

And in that moment, my brother Barry came face-to-face with the greatest tragedy of his young life.

Stay with me, Big Orange. It's not as bad as it looks.

The colors are draining from him!

You got to fight. Come on, buddy! Stay with me!

Want me to tell him it's just a shirt?

Don't just sit there. Do something!

What do you want me to do?

Call 911.

Tell them there's an emergency, but don't get into details.

Hurry! Tell them to put a shirt doctor in the ambulance.

God, why do bad things happen to good T-shirts?

I don't know. Mom made a mistake?

Mom never makes laundry mistakes.

Someone's out to get me!

A third party did this on purpose!

Well, it's done. Just cleaned out the treehouse.

The Goldberg Gang is officially out of business.

No. Not yet!

There's one more case I need them to solve.

There's been a murder, a shirt murder.

This has my stepdad written all over it.

To the treehouse!

Even though Big Orange was gone, Barry refused to rest until the culprit was found.

We know you could've taken this case to anyone, so we appreciate you coming to us.

Yeah. This is dumb, so I'm gonna go.

No! Wait! You guys got to help me find out who did this.

Big Orange's spirit will not rest until the perpetrator has been found and paid his debt.

And what's in it for us?

You mean besides the justice served?

Yeah, I'm gonna need something real.

I'll also pay you $7,000.

Um, yeah, no brainer.

It's my bar mitzvah money.

I've been saving it up for a moment exactly like this.

For when someone destroyed your $10 T-shirt?

Don't you want to save it for a trip to Europe or a down-payment on a h...

Don't answer that.

The Goldberg Gang is on the case.

Yes!

You know the drill, Erica.

To the treehouse!

That means frantically run to the backyard and start the case.

You know, to the treehouse!

Fine, but we're walking at a regular pace.

To the treehouse!

At long last, the Goldberg Gang was back on the beat! But before we could catch the culprit, we first had to go over the usual suspects.

Okay. This investigation is officially open.

It was Mom.

Too obvious!

We need to think outside the box.

It was Mom.

Figure out who has the means...

(Reading)

Which spells "Mom".

Coincidence! Fortunately for us, I've narrowed it down to only 36 suspects.

Suspect number one, Pops.

Put a few martinis in him, he's capable of anything.

It was Mom.

Suspect number two, me.

Am I guilty? Probably not, but I do sleepwalk.

It was Mom.

Suspect number three!

What is that?

A ghost, classic Scooby Doo villain.

Again, it was Mom.

This is not a mystery, we're not detectives, and this is not our headquarters.

What are you guys doing up here?

I told you I'm tearing this down.

You can't. Not now. This case is heating up, man.

Enough with the case!

I don't want you out there, running around like a loose cannon, because it's my ass on the line, and I won't have it!

I got to find the truth!

It's gotten too personal. You're off the case.

Give me your magnifying glass and your hat.

You can't shut us down, old man!

Me and my partner will not rest till we track down and interrogate every single option.

And so our intense search began.

It was you.

Me? Please. (Chuckles)

You know how much I respect laundry.

My record's impeccable.

Well, maybe it wasn't an accident.

What are you saying?

You've always had it out for that shirt.

Looks like you finally pulled the trigger.

Or it's not one person at all.

Maybe a crime this complex is a two-man job.

You don't know what you're talking about, nerd boy!

I mean, don't interrupt your sister.

You know, manners and stuff.

I know that you're guilty, and eventually, you'll crack.

Until then, we will follow every lead and not stop until...

Where'd she go?

(Whispering) To the treehouse!

This is bad. Real bad!

They're closing in on us.

Hold it together. They got nothing.

There's bleach on my hands.

Just remember, this was for Barry's own good.

So you keep your pretty little mouth shut! (Gasps)

Looking good, snuggy boo.

How do the new threads feel?

I look like a foreigner.

A handsome, stylish foreigner.

Like a super hot Balki Bartokomous.

I miss my old shirt.

I don't know who I am anymore.

Am I big or tasty? No one knows!

What have we done?

When he finds out, it's all over.

Well, he's not gonna find out.

Ya dig?

I dig.

Repeat after me. "I am rock solid."

I am rock solid.

It was your mom and I. We're, like, totally guilty.

I have one question. Who are you covering for?

What? No one. I literally just confessed.

Well, isn't that convenient?

Typical patsy taking the fall for a network of criminals above you.

Why is he talking like that? I, like, literally confessed.

It's pathetic.

He's stretching out the whole Goldberg Gang thing as long as he can.

Just ignore him.

Look, you got to drop it.

If Barry finds out what I did, he'll never forgive me.

Fine. Your secret's safe with me.

I'll save your implausible relationship with my brother.

You can't ignore the facts! This conspiracy runs deep.

I'll bring the real culprits to justice. You'll see!

Lainey may have confessed, but I wasn't convinced. I was about to blow this case wide open.

Dude, you okay?

Yeah, Adam said you had a bathroom-based emergency.

Yeah, I brought the back-up khakis from my locker.

This isn't my first rodeo.

What? Adam said you guys had a bathroom-based emergency.

I, too, have attended that sad rodeo.

Gentlemen.

There is no bathroom-based emergency, only a laundry-based mystery, and I've gathered all of you here 'cause the culprit stands amongst us.

JTP, is this true?

What?

Never!

So that's a no on the khakis?

They were all over at the house on the day in question.

That means all of you had opportunity.

That's insane.

Insane like the jealousy you felt every time Barry wore Big Orange?

You loved that shirt but knew you could never pull it off, 'cause you were too tiny.

I prefer small-boned.

Or was it Naked Rob?

A closet Penguins fan.

The Penguins? Robert.

I was born in Pittsburgh.

Or maybe it was Geoff Schwartz!

You knew taking out Barry's favorite shirt would make him melt down.

Lainey would have to console him, leaving Erica without a best friend and plenty of time for you to win her heart.

Wait, would that work?

I will kill you dead!

No, Barry. I didn't do it!

He's right. He didn't do it... alone.

It was the entire JTP!

Okay. If this is true, I must disband the JTP.

All: JTP?

Oh, it's true.

Thank God I kept digging even after Lainey confessed to destroying the shirt with Mom.

Yeah, thank God.

Wait, what? I can't believe the two of you would betray me like this.

Big Orange was better to me than either of you ever were.

It's just a shirt, babe. We didn't know how much it meant to you.

And in our defense, we didn't know we'd get caught.

I don't want to hear it! From this moment on, I officially declare I have no girlfriend and no mother.

You can't do that.

Yeah, you can't do that.

Well, you can do it to her, but you can't do it to your mother.

I say this all the time, you only have one mother.

Well, I'll find another one.

You wouldn't dare.

I will.

I'll tell that nice, old lunch lady who always calls me "son" to put her money where her mouth is.

Well, I hate to point fingers, but, uh, this is on you and only you and no one else and not me.

Are you kidding me? This whole thing was your idea.

What kind of mother does that to her son?

A mother who doesn't approve of her son's snitch of a girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend, thanks to you!

You promised not to tell and you narced like a narc, you narc.

I didn't tell Barry. The little geek went off on his own.

Only 'cause you and Dad kept insisting I drop the case.

Wait, Murray. You knew about this?

Great. I told you not to go off half-cocked like a cowboy, but you had to play by your own rules!

That's as much anger as I can muster for something so stupid.

Great job, genius.

You made everyone in this house completely turn on each other.

Blame yourself, narc.

And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids.

It's not my fault.

The case seemed so cut and dry.

Back when we were kids, there was always a twist.

Hello! Mom forced me to go up in that treehouse and play with you, so I made up all those cases.

So, you lied to me?

Yes. My God.

You are going to be in high school next year.

You need to grow up, and fast, because I'm done taking care of you!

I just... wanted to hang out like we used to.

That's all I wanted.

It had been a day since Barry had lost Big Orange forever, or so he thought.

Ta-da!

What's this?

It's Big Orange, squishy.

Big Orange is gone.

Big Orange was gone, but I sewed him up, dyed him, and steamed him real good, and now he's bigger, better, and more orangy than ever.

Hey, big tasty, look what I got!

And old friend wants to say "hello".

(LAUGHS) Wow! Lucky me!

Now I got two Big Oranges.

What the...

Why are you here?

To get Barry back.

That's what I was trying to do, but now you're screwing me in the pooper!

Oh, sweet God!

What? What'd I say? Is that bad?

Unbelievable! You not only destroy my shirt, but come in here and try pawning off these imposters?

Imposters? Mama fixed it.

This is the real thing.

No, this is.

This is it.

This shirt is. See? It's orange and a shirt.

I reject all these shirts with their coarse material and tight collar and non-stained pit parts.

These aren't Big Orange, they're big lies.

I know you're upset, sweetie, but don't throw out the Beverly with the Lainey water.

Hey, hey! Look what I sewed back up!

Large Orange, now everyone's happy.

That's Garfield!

I need to punch something. Adam, I need you!

That did not go well.

It's over. I have no son.

And I have no boyfriend.

I think Garfunkle is sporty. I'm keeping this thing.

In that moment, my mom and Lainey realized they hadn't just ruined Barry's shirt, they destroyed his trust. There was only one way to win him back, and that meant helping him truly cope with his loss.

What's going on?

Look, we messed up, and we know there's no way of going back, so we brought everyone here to help you move forward.

By saying goodbye, the right way.

This is nice. My shirt would've liked this.

They really did a great job with Big Orange, Bar.

Yeah, they really did.

They made him look so peaceful.

Murray! Turn off the TV.

I'll mute it, but that's it.

It's just a shirt.

("Walking on sunsine" plays)

♪ I used to think maybe you loved me ♪

Honey, do you have anything you want to say?

♪ Now, baby, I'm sure ♪

I'd like to say a few words about Big Orange.

It's like, life goes so fast when you're growing up.

I guess it was nice there was something that was always the same.

I mean, all my greatest memories were in that shirt. Dad!

I was wearing it when we went to our first Flyers game.

It's a shirt!

JTP, the first time I ever played smashball, I was in that shirt.

(All groan, laugh)

JTP.

JTP.

Ma, you taught me how to cook in that shirt.

Lainey, I ran in the rain in that shirt to tell you how much I love you.

♪ Whoa-oa-oh ♪

So I guess...

♪ I'm walking on sunshine ♪

I'm gonna miss the memories...

♪ Whoa-oa-oh ♪

But I'm glad I still have them.

♪ I'm walking on sunshine ♪

To Big Orange!

All: To Big Orange!

Wait, that's what this is? A shirt funeral?

Damn it. I missed a real funeral for this.

♪ And don't it feel good? ♪

The most painful part of growing up is saying farewell to the stuff you love the most. But as much as it hurts, we all have to tear down the old things to make room for what's new.

The Goldberg Gang is on the case.

To the treehouse!

We're gonna be communicating through this walkie-talkie system.

You ready, Adam? Copy?

(Mimics static) Anybody there?

It's gonna be great. Okay, over and out.

Still watching those old tapes, huh?

Don't worry. I'm over it.

Come with me. I want to show you something.

Why would I want to go anywhere with you?

I thought you like mysteries.

♪ I said, baby, I just want you back ♪ ♪ And I want you to stay ♪

What's this?

I thought we could build a new treehouse.

But I thought it was time to let it go.

Well, some things are worth holding on to.

Our old blueprints?

You still have them?

The truth is, when we were kids, I didn't make up those mysteries because I had to.

I did it 'cause I loved spending time with you.

♪ Whoa-oa-oh ♪ ♪ Don't it feel good? ♪

Letting go if the past is hard, but what's even harder is that we'll never know what the future holds for us. But when you finally stumble upon that perfect fit in life, nothing is more rewarding.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Yes!

Okay, Troy's freestyle on this one.

(Rapping) ♪ Yeah, you know it's me ♪

Yeah.

♪ Yeah, it's Big Tasty ♪ ♪ The one and only Grabbing on the mikey and I gots the gravy ♪ ♪ You know I'm gonna go a little bit shady ♪ ♪ And we ricky-ricky-ticky-ticky rhyme to the dime ♪ ♪ Yeah, you know me, always going kind of crazy with them lines ♪ ♪ And I'm fly-fly, yeah, you know it, Lainey, baby ♪ ♪ And we doing it and we in the '80s ♪ ♪ And we on fleek, on fleek all night long ♪ ♪ And you know, know, know we'll be singing that song ♪ ♪ And dab, dab, dab on them hoes ♪ ♪ And we go, go, go and we all jump, hey ♪

(Cheers and applause)

Yeah!