Meg Stinks!

Welcome, all, to James Woods High's annual college fair, where each year, our seniors gather to decide where they will go in the fall to get HPV. Wow, Meg, there are so many choices. Yeah. There's a state college with an incredibly offensive Native American mascot. I'm Drunky! The Dakota University mascot! Look how drunk I am! This is important for sports! (gasps) Oh, look, you can go to Oral Roberts. Peter: Oh, and there's a**l Roberts. Oh, boy, that is a tough, tough place to get into, Lois. That is tough, but once you're in there, you'd be surprised how much you like it. Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. So glad you could make it. You know, Meg has attracted interest from several colleges. Meg going to college. I always thought she was going to be one of those ladies who wears a jean jacket and hangs out at the bar in a chain restaurant. Hey. You know you can get a slice of pineapple on your burger here. Hey, Jimmy, another water. I call Miller Lite "water." Jimmy knows me, he knows that. Come on, hockey team! This one's on me. Merry Christmas, Meg. You really think Meg is college material, Principal Shepherd? Yeah, she's a solid B student and that's quite an accomplishment, considering none of her teachers are willing to sleep with her. Sophomore year, she was molested by the janitor. (laughs) Mr. Griffin, I believe they're called "custodians." Anyway, I was able to get Meg an interview this weekend at Green Mountain College in Vermont. Green Mountain College?! Oh, my God! That's my first choice! Can one of you guys take me up there? Meg, please excuse your mother and I for a moment. We need to work out our schedules. (Peter and Lois punching, grunting) I'd be happy to take you, Meg. Announcer: We now return to Extreme makeover: Bethenny Frankel Edition. Crowd: Move! That! Bus! Put! That! Bus! Back! Hey, can you guys turn that down? I'm trying to read. Oh, shut up, Brian. We were here first. Yeah, Brian, go read in your own room! Yes, you do. You have that wicker basket in the laundry room with the frayed bath mat in it. God, I can't get any peace and quiet in this house. Well, now you know how I felt at Mardi Gras. (applause, cheering) Hey! Keep it down! I'm trying to get some sleep up here! Man: Show us your boobs...! My boobs? Wait, I-I don't think I... Oh, my! Jewelry! The rules of this city are very unclear. (sighs) This is actually very pleasant. (crashing) Hey. Who the hell knocked over the garbage ca-- Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey. Hey. Hey. I-I don't want any trouble. (laughs): Well, you in the wrong place if you ain't looking for trouble, boy. Nothin' but trouble out here. Big ol' hoot-owl come down, scoop you up, take your eye out. All right. Well, can you at least clean this stuff up when you're done? It's... otherwise it's going to start to smell. Oh... you don't like smell, huh? Well, sniff on this! (yells) (laughs) Yeah! You got that stink all up on you, now! (maniacally barking) (screams) Oh, my God! What is that smell?! (barking continues) (yells) It's like a burning tire dump right in my nose! (yelling) (hysterically crying): Brian, why are you doing this?! We're sorry...! (Stewie yells) (Brian and Stewie yelling, grunting) Ah! You bastard! (barking) (Brian grunts) I can't see! I'm blind! (yells) (grunting) Ah! What is that smell? (barking) Oh, my God! Brian got sprayed by a skunk! No! Not against the wall. You're going to scare off the cockroaches. Oh, that's not good. They were 70% of the structure of this house. Peter, please tell me this is covered by our insurance. Sorry, Lois, it doesn't cover acts of "dog." (plays rimshot) Hey, you guys, I-I think the tomato juice is really working. Don't you? No. You smell like my six-foot-tall German girlfriend. Christopher, are you ready to go to the Guttenschvartzen? Hell, da! She can swim across the pool in two strokes. Wh... I don't know what else to do. I do. Until the smell wears off, you're staying outside! Outside? Lois, I'm an inside dog! I'm an inside dog! I'm sorry, Brian, but you stink. (chuckles) I'll take smelling good over walking good any day. Bonnie: You don't smell good, Joe. I'm sorry, I thought I was alone. (shivering) Good morning, Brian. Ew! You still really stink. Yeah, you smell like the meatball sub I left under the couch. Damn it, I just gave away my hiding place for meatball subs I-I'll tell you where there definitely aren't any meatball subs-- the side pocket of my golf bag. Geez, Peter, shut up! Did you sleep okay out here, Brian? No! I was so cold. And you have no idea how many terrifying things there are out here in the dark. My nephew, Scrappy Brian, didn't even make it through the night. (rustling) Hey, Uncle Brian, let's go check out that noise. I don't know, Scrappy Brian. It might be better just to stay put. Aw, I'm not afraid! Let me at 'em! Let me at 'em! (screeches) Damn it! I told my sister this wasn't a good weekend. Hey, Bri. How's it going out there? Oh, boy, I need this cold air. They got the heat cranked up so high in here, Lois is walking around without a shirt. Oh, come on, Stewie. Hey, throw me a jacket or something, huh? Nope. You'll stink it up. Also, since you've been out there, I've stopped sneezing, so this might be permanent. Well, at least throw me down some food or something. Well, I'm afraid I finished my dinner. All I have is a steak, but that belongs to Rupert. Can I have it? I don't know, that's a question for Rupert. You'll have to ask him. Uh... hey, Rupe. "Rupe"? Oh, no. No, no. No, this is already over. Come on, Stewie, I'm starving. Good Lord, Brian, get a hold of yourself. You're in a suburban yard. What kind of dog can't live outside? God, he's right. I'm a disgrace to my species. Like that gumball machine traffic cop. (horns honking, alarms blaring) Oh, my God, O'Connor's a disaster out there. It's not his fault. He was a great gumball machine-- they just shouldn't have promoted him. Oh, I think we're getting close here. Meg, what are you doing? Just letting the wind wave my hand. Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm flying. Plus, it tickles. That's stupid. (laughing): Hey-hey-hey... The wind wants my hand to go back, but I'm not letting it. I'm stronger than it. Oh, my God, Dad, you lost your hand! That's all right. I can regenerate. (deep, evil voice): My name is Retep, and I am evil. (stomach growls) Come on, Brian, you can find your own food. Every animal finds its prey. ♪ Love in an elevator... Dude! Check it out! (tires squeal) (flies screaming) All right, I can do this. Holy crap, I'm so much faster on all fours! (grunting) What's that big rock doing there? (sinister laughing) (bird chirping quietly) Now, go on, get out of here, you little b*st*rd. (crunch) (crunching) I did it. I caught a bird. I caught a bird! Yes! Fear me! Aah...! Aah! I feel so alive! (exhales) I feel like a dude who just touched his first v*g1n*. Hey. Pound it. Cool baby. Well, I called and confirmed my interview for tomorrow morning. I ordered you nothing. What else is new? (intro to "Night Moves" by Bob Seger plays) Hey, "Night Moves"! At least there's one cool person in this dump. I wonder who played this. I did. You played "Night Moves"? How would you even know what that song is? From you. Dad, I've been hearing that song in the backseat of your car since I was a little kid. Huh. I never knew you were listening. Never even knew you were there. Wait, were you that little fat boy with the glasses? Yes, Dad. I know a lot about you. You do? I know you're afraid of guacamole. It's the devil's vomit. In the last election, you voted for Mighty Mouse. Time to put the might-mouse in the White House, Meg. And I know you love Augustus Gloop. (giggles) And you hate Mike Teavee. Oh, don't even say his name. And you know a lot about me, right? ♪ Out past the cornfields where the woods got heavy ♪ (motorcycle approaching) ♪ Out in the backseat of my '60 Chevy ♪ (motorcycle driving away) ♪ Working on mysteries ♪ ♪ Without any clues... (sighs) Dad, sometimes I wonder why you even had a family. I don't know, it's just, I was dating your mother, I don't like the way condoms feel, next thing you know, I got a mortgage, a kid, and a crappy job at a toy factory. I thought you liked working at the toy factory. Hell no. I always wanted to be a podiatrist. Thanks to you, Dr. Griffin, my bunion is healed and I can walk without pain. This isn't a joke. I once had legitimate aspirations. You never got to pursue your dream. No wonder you hate me. I don't hate you, Meg. You're my kid. Who had the chicken parm? Oh, that's my second entree. But you know what? You have it, Meg. Thanks, Dad. Boy, after all this food, we're gonna have a couple of "night moves" back at the motel later, huh, Dad? Oh, absolutely. You know, that's what this song's about, Meg. It is? Oh, yeah. All of Bob Seger's songs are about taking dumps at night. Uh, "Night Moves," "Like a Rock," "Shakedown," "The Fire Down Below." "Against the Wind" was him poopin' out of a car. Quick! Someone give me my notebook! Well, here we are. Oh, my God, Meg, there's a keg party! Let's go. If we meet any chicks, you're my daughter. Yes! Yeah! College! Oh, God, I got to take a whiz. Yeah, I got to whiz, too. (giggles) Sword fight! Gonna get ya! You got a funny little wiener, but you're a nice guy, Meg. This is great, Dad. I know! I'm having even more fun than when I... I mean, than when we went Fiona Apple-picking. Dad, they're all bruised and filthy. Yeah, these might be throwin'-at-buses apples, not eatin' apples. See, Meg? You can be in the flashback 'cause we're friends now. (wind blowing) Hey, Brian. (sniffs) Hey, you don't even smell like skunk anymore. Why are you still out here? There's nothing inside for me anymore. I've moved on. (hawks, spits) There was a boo-ger in that spit, wasn't there? Stewie, leave me alone. This is where I belong, out here in the wild. The wild? You're standing on the driveway. Come on. Hey, hey! Let go of me! (growling) I can't believe it. You've become a wild animal. You're like that tiger from Siegfried and Roy. Um, I think we all know the answer to this, but should I get tested? (Meg and Peter laughing) You guys are back! Meg, how was your interview? Ah, we didn't go. I slept right through it. What?! Yeah, it was awesome. We stayed up all night partying. By the way, if a girl named Rachel calls, it's a wrong number, but do tell me that she called. Where's your wedding ring? Yeah, so we missed the interview, so that's a shame. Meg, how could you miss your interview? That school was your first choice. (phone rings inside house) I'll get it! It doesn't matter, Mom. Dad and I had a great time. We went to a party! We bonded for the first time in our lives. It was just Joe. Meg, how could you blow your chance to go to your first-choice college? I can't believe you would be so irresponsible. Hey, Meg, you want to huck some water balloons at nerds? Sure! What the hell?! (giggles) (mimics giggle poorly) We'll work on the laugh, but you'll get there. To the Meg-copter! Huh, look down there. That looks like me with a green shirt. He's murdering a lady. (Retep laughs sinisterly) Dinner's getting cold. I wonder where your father and Meg are. They left for the movies five hours ago. God, look at Lois picking food from her teeth with her nail. Someone should tell her she's a pig. Mom, you're a pig! No, you're not supposed to actually do it! We were just talking here! Oh, now she's crying. That's not what I wanted. Stop crying, you bitch! (groans) I got to get Brian back in the house. It's just not the same without him here. It's like Arnold Schwarzenegger without an accent. It might be a tumor. (American accent): It's not a tumor. Where are you two going now? We're going two places: none of yo and beeswax. Clean slam! Come on, Meg! Meg, I'm glad you're having a good time with your father, but don't let him distract you from your priorities. Remember, you still have a chance to get into college. Mom, we're just having fun. I've never had a good time with Dad before. I'm just saying, it's not easy dealing with your father's craziness. Believe me, this is no job for the family's designated schmendrick. Trust me, Mom. I know what I'm doing. That's what your father said before he took that walking tour of Providence. This is where a homeless man ate the finger of another homeless man. This is where some teenagers beat a gay guy to death. This building used to be Irish. Now it's Cambodian. And this is where fake tour guides throw rocks and steal tourists' wallets. Oh, yeah, I read about this part on Yelp. Peter (quietly): Meg. Meg. Come on. (ostrich squawking) Come on, it'll be fun. (giggles) Isn't this great, Meg? (panting) Sorry I forgot to get you an ostrich. All right, Meg, you and me are gonna get something pierced together. I'll get my ear done. How about you? Um, I guess my ears would be okay. Oh, come on, Meg, you're my daughter. Nothing but the best for you. You're getting the works! Here, I want everything you got. Only the best for my daughter Meg. Ah, look at that. You look like one of them beautiful, troubled Scandinavian youths I've seen on the p0rn sites. You like it? (muffled): Mm-hmm. Awesome. Come on, let's go next door and get your mom a funny refrigerator magnet. I got a piercing, too. Hey, Lois, guess who made 15 baskets in a row at the county fair. Some kid we beat up. Oh, what a great day! Had enough yet? Yes! I don't know how you do it. Everything he does is exhausting. Even something as simple as going to the bank. Meg, you've probably wondered from time to time how on earth I pay for all my shenanigans. Well, I'm gonna show you. This is a robbery! Everyone get on the fucking ground! If this bitch moves, shoot him in the eye! Dad, I don't want to do this! You have to! Next week, we're buying a zebra! But, Dad... There's no time to argue! We got 150 seconds before the police respond to the silent alarm! Now check those bags for dye packs! (crying) Who's the manager here?! I-I am. (wailing) What are you doing?! You said if he moves, shoot him! He's the only one with the combination to the safe! It's blown! It's blown! This whole operation is blown! I'll get the car. Kill everyone else. You've got to help me, Mom. What do you want me to do? Please, take him back. I suppose I could, Meg. But a part of growing up is learning how to handle a tough situation on your own, like getting into college or breaking up with your father. I guess, but it's not going to be easy. Well, life's not always easy, Meg. Just ask an ugly Boy Scout. Scoutmaster Davenport, you want to share a tent with me tonight? Oh, Billy, I like you as a friend. Brian, you got to get in here, man. I've been taking a break from Lois's breast milk, and her boobs are enormous. They're like Jiffy Pop just before the foil breaks.

You should come check 'em out before they get infected. Yeah, nice try, Stewie, but I'm still not coming inside. But, Brian, I need you inside. I'm going crazy in here without you. Please, I need my friend back. Look, Stewie, I've learned something out here. You see, living in the wild, I-I've realized that all the pain I've ever had in my life has-has come from me always trying to be something I'm not. I mean, I'm not a writer, I'm not an artist, I'm not an intellectual. What I am... is a dog. And as a dog, my place is outside. I'm sorry, Stewie, but nothing will ever make me come back inside. (thunder crashing) Stewie, get the hell in here! (chuckles) That dog sure changed his mind quick. Oh, Meg, there you are! Hey, let's put on fake eyelashes and flirt with people on the bus. Dad, I'm sorry, but I can't go with you. Mmm, are you sure? I called Green Mountain College. They let me reschedule my interview, so I'm going to drive back up there. It's time for me to get serious about my life and take some responsibility. I don't like this Meg. I like the fun Meg! I thought we were friends. Dad, I don't want you to be my friend. I want you to be my dad. Well, that is too much to ask, Meg. It's hard being a father. This is why that woman in Texas drowned all her kids. I hate the passage of time! (sobbing): My little girl's growing up! (crying) Yes, she is, Dad. Yes, she is. ("Night Moves" begins) Meg: I did get into Green Mountain College, and contracted HPV my first night there. I got nicknamed the Warthog, and, like the HPV, it stuck for life.