The Pants Alternative


 * (Sheldon comes home from work to find the others waiting for him)
 * Sheldon: Hello.
 * Leonard: Sit down, we wanna talk to you.
 * Sheldon: Am I in trouble? Did my mother call you?
 * Penny: Just sit.
 * Leonard: We think we can help you with your stage fright.
 * Sheldon: Oh, I doubt that. I haven't figured out a way and I'm much smarter than all of you.
 * Penny: Yes, but you're not smarter than all of us put together.
 * Sheldon: I'm sorry, that is what I meant.
 * Penny: OK, your problem is, you're trying to do this all by yourself.
 * Leonard: We can help you, we can be your team; like Professor Xavier and his X-Men.
 * (Sheldon grins at the thought)
 * Sheldon: I do like the X-Men.
 * Penny (to Leonard): Did I see X-Men?
 * Leonard: Yeah, we saw it last week, you said you liked it.
 * Penny: Oh, I say a lot of things sweetie. So, how about it Sheldon?
 * Sheldon: I don't know. If you're my X-Men, what are your powers?
 * Penny: OK, well I'm gonna take you shopping and get you a nice suit, might give you more confidence.
 * Sheldon: It's not exactly a mutation that will get you into Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, but go on, Leonard.
 * Leonard: I thought I could try to analyze you and get to the root of your anxiety.
 * Sheldon: What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind?
 * Leonard: My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist and I've been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast feeding co-dependently.
 * (Raj whispers to Howard to what he has to say)
 * Howard: Raj says he can teach you... what do call it? (Raj repeats it to him again.) Uh, I don't know. Some Indian meditation crap.
 * Sheldon: I see, I assume since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you're saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go ahead, Howard, dazzle me.
 * Howard: Well, my power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problem. And that's 24/7 buddy.
 * Sheldon: And I appreciate the pretense.
 * Penny: So what do you say Sheldon, are we your X-Men?
 * Sheldon: No. The X-men were named for the "X" in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men (sounds like semen to the others and they are in disgust.)
 * Howard: Oh, that's not a good name.


 * (Sheldon, without his pants and hung over from the previous night, is watching his performance on YouTube and is humiliated.)
 * Sheldon: Oh Lord. This couldn't be anymore humiliating.
 * Leonard: A dadadada, give it a minute.
 * Sheldon (On Youtube): Now for the astronomers in the audience, get ready to see the dark side of the moon (He turns around and moons the audiences). And here's Uranus!
 * (Sheldon looks horrified, while Penny and Leonard are laughing their heads off at Sheldon's clip.)


 * Sheldon: And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again? I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics.


 * Sheldon: A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can’t run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror! (Sound of door slamming) Raj? Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.