Full Bars

So, Bobby, I can't wait to see you and Linda at my Halloween party tonight. I went all out this year. Uh, actually, I'm taking the kids trick or treating tonight, Teddy. So, I probably can't make it. Oh. I noticed here that you, uh, RSVP'd online and you clicked "maybe." Right. Uh, that was kind of a soft maybe. Maybe means maybe, Bob. It doesn't mean "I'm too scared to say no." Uh, uh... I got 42 maybes, Bob! Who can plan for that? (door opens) Linda: There's my little candy corns. Ooh. Sad Wolverine. Scary and sad. I'm Edward Scissor Hands, Mom. Uh, I'm not sure about you walking around with scissors all night, Louise. Why don't you be Edward Spoon Hands? Get real. It's Halloween. Not Hallowuss. And Tina's a mummy. Sexy. Last year I was a mummy. This year I'm a mommy mummy. And I'm single and I'm working two jobs, and I'm just trying to get back out there. Tina, you have to put your costume back on the roll tomorrow. I'm not losing that much TP. Okay. (clears throat) Oh, and Gene looks great, too. Wait, what are you, hon? I'm rapper/actress Queen Latifah from her U.N.I.T.Y. phase. Oh, God, so specific and political. I love it. Mm-hmm. All right, kids, help me close up shop and we can all go trick or treating. Dad, we've decided that this year and in between we trick or treat alone. But you kids love trick or treating with me. That's the best part. Yeah, that's the best part (falsetto): Yeah, that's the best part. Shush, shush. I, I don't know. I mean, it's, it's Halloween. You know, things can get a little weird out there. Oh, just let 'em go, Bobby. C'mon. (sighs) Fine. You can trick or treat by yourselves this year. (cheering) But you stick to o regular route and I want you home by 9:00. Ugh. Hooray! You can come to my party. Oh, right, great. Yay! I wa this to be the sugar high I never come down from. (Gene screams) Okay, bad start. Bad start. Let's keep moving. All: Trick or treat. Uh, here's some oyster crackers. Now get out of here. All: Trick or treat. Is it Halloween? Here, uh, take some deli numbe. You'll be the first in line tomorrow. (knocking) All: Trick or treat. Some delicious seaweed candy from my solo vacation in Singapore. Wrap it up, Charles Dickens. You're not being paid by the word. ♪ I was walking in the graveya... ♪ Bobby. Linda. Oh! Hi, Teddy. Welcome to my Black and Orange party. Teddy, you really went all out. I spray-painted everything this morning. Yeah, it's uh, aittle strong. Maybe we should open a window or something. Yeah, I would, but they're painted shut. Can I offer you a hard-boiled egg? I colored them black and orange with a marker. (high pitched squeak) Whoa. Whoa. Hey. Ooh. What was that? Ooh. No need to be scared, everybody. Just my guinea pig, Francis. You can call her Frankie. But just don't call her Fran. She hates that. What about Francy pants? Saint Francis pants, huh? What's wrong with you? What? Hey, you're not wearing a costume, Bob. I just didn't think I needed to wear a costume. It's not a kids' party. Hey, everybody, we've got (rings bell) a party violation over here. What are you doing? Bob is not wearing a costume. Mike the mailman's not wearing a costume. Mike's a bunny. He's not a bunny. I'm a bunny. You have a cotton ball. He has a cotton ball. On your uniform. It's a great idea. Now we're gonna get you to the costume closet. ♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba ♪ We got some sort of Chewbacca. No. The sun. No. Summer Frankenstein. That's not a thing. And, uh, oh... I think we got a winner here. No, no, no. There, all better. Now, you don't look so ridiculous. I'll trade you two packets of hot sauce for a fortune cookie. Throw in some cough drops and you got a deal. Sold. This town is horrible at Halloween. We're trick or treating by ourselves for the first time ever; we need to get some real candy. Follow me. I know where we can go. We're going where the rich people live. Rich people are better at Halloween. And skin care. That's why we're going to... Kingshead lsland. Ooh. Ooh. Aah, I should have worn more toilet paper. Okay, uh, okay I admit it's a little colder than I thought it would be. Aah, I don't wanna die. I'm not wearing my good underpants and I'd be so embarrassed. (all sigh) Did it just get ten degrees warmer? I think that seagull just winked at me. Hello. Kingshead lsland, nice to meet ya. Now, I trick or treat ya. Tina: Wow, look how clean it is. I could drink from the puddles. I'm going to. Hey, guys. Sweet 'tumes. Costumes. Edward Scissor Hands, cool. Queen Latifah, also cool. Finally, somebody gets it. Toilet paper roll. Nailed it. Mummy. Hey, I'm Milo. I'm Ned. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, is that all candy? Yeah, we already dropped one bag off at home. Now, we're gonna head down Spencer Street. That's where all the good houses are. Funny coincidence. We were also gonna go down Spencer Street. Well, great. I'm gonna eat like a Queen. Come on, Lin, Teddy went to the bathroom. Now's our chance. Let's sneak out of here. But you look so cute. I wanna spank the cake right out of your face. Uh, no. Come on. Teddy: Aah! Oh, my God, oh, my God. Somebody stepped on Francis. Oh, my God, oh, my God. She's not breathing. She's not breathing. Live, damn it, live. Teddy, let me try. I have good lungs. (inhales deeply) (coughing) Somebody do something. Mike, do something. What do you want me to do? I'm a mailman. Aah, Mike's a mailman! Oh, God. Come on, move those legs, Francis. Move those legs. Oh, I saw it. I saw it move. Move those... She's alive. Come on. Oh, no, she's dead. No, she's dead. Somebody stepped on Francis. And then did nothing. Nothing! Teddy, how do you know someone stepped on her? Guinea pigs aren't flat, they don't just look like this in the wild. All right, well, uh, we're gonna go. Uh, Lin, get your stuff. Yup, yup, yup. Great party. Seriously, I hope that, uh, Francis comes... is... gets better. Oh, no, you don't. What? What? Nobody's leaving. The killer is inside this room. No one leaves until I find him or her. Sorry I'm late. Whoa, who died? (doorbell rings) All: Trick or treat. Oh, you kids look great. Here ya go, one for you. Here ya are. Oh, Africa. Hey, is Bill puking in my bidet again? Full bars? Full bars? Full bars! She just gave us full-sized chocolate bars. Does she know? Oh, my God, was it an accident?! What just happened? How does this not topple your economy? Everything I knew to be true just went out the window. The Wagners are on vacation in St. Bart's. You know what, good for them. Those Wagners were looking run-down. Please, take one. What happens when you take two? Aah, it got me. Help! Oh, wait a minute. Nothing happens. I'll take three. Thanks, Wagner family. Have fun at church or whatever St. Bart's is. Ah, it's got my hand. Just kidding. It was funnier when Louise did it. Ma'am, I'm speaking now. I let you speak. Now let me speak. You don't tell me when to call 911. The police aren't coming. Looks like I have to do this investigation myself. Teddy, I really don't think anyone at your party purposely killed Francis. Every man is capable of murder if he's pushed far enough. Mm-hmm. Even you, Bob. You've been stewing in the corner all night. What are you talking about, Teddy? You can get a little testy, Bob. Don't buy him a V-neck T-shirt, whatever you do. He goes berserk. You're not in the clear either, Linda. You couldn't share the spotlight with Francis, could you? You had to stomp her out. Don't accuse me, Teddy. You're the spouse. It's always the spouse. Passion of m-m-murder passion. Teddy, you're going crazy. I mean, you're kind of ruining your own party. Or did Dennis ruin my party? By killing Francis. I didn't kill your freaking rat. Maybe you didn't, Dennis. But I know you get dirty massages. Whoa. And let's not forget about Mike the Mailman. Me? What about me? It's your walk. Your menacing walk. Slamming your feet all over town. Left, right, Kill, kill. It's a limp, Teddy. You know Mike has uneven legs. It's why I wear my special shoes. Don't you mean murder weapons? Yeah, you know what? I actually wanna see everyone's potential murder weapons. Yeah, shoes in the chip bowl, now. Aww, those were good chips. Yeah, they were, Linda! They were good chips! Milo: Okay, guys. It's getting pretty late. Better get off the streets, huh? We're pushing it a little. Uh, don't you think? Yeah. What do you mean? We're just getting started. There's a whole other street here full of sugar just waiting to course through our veins. (whispering): Hell Hunt. (whispering): What does that mean? Yeah, why did you just whisper "Hell Hunt?" You guys don't know about Hell Hunt? You're not from Kingshead Island, are you? We come from the mainland: America. Every Halloween, after all the parents get drunk, the teenagers come out and they go freaking crazy. They ride around town on their bikes, vandalize stuff, and if any little kids are still out, I heard they, uh... I heard they, uh... I heard they, uh... They, uh... Say it. I heard they shave your head. I heard they throw balloons full of pee. Three years ago my brother's friend stayed out too late and he came home covered in syrup without any eyebrows. Yeah, I don't know about all this. That's a lot of different stories. I like syrup. Look, it's not safe. We've got to get indoors. And you guys need to get to the dock. Cool tip, Milo. Come on, guys. Let's go get some more candy. Huh, what was that? Huh? What? Did you hear that? No. (teenagers laugh) Hell Hunt! Hide! Boy: Oh, kids, come out and play. (laughs) (howls) (laughing) Hey, Wade Boggs, do you like eggs? How do you like these eggs?! Ow! I don't like 'em! Please don't cry. Please don't cry. Ah, quick question. Does anyone here know how to get back to the ferry? (brakes squeaking) Oh, ah, hey, Amanda! Hey, Bryce. What's up? Oh, not much. Just, uh, hanging out with my... budsies. I remember when I was a sophomore. Hell Hunt's so lame. Yeah. I mean, it's like... (laughs) grow up, right? I guess it's cool you guys are keeping up the tradition, though. Oh, totally. Yeah, Hell Hunt's the best. So are you. (clears throat) What? Um, that's your car that you're driving? That's your car that you drive? This guy is dying out there. He just needs to be himself. Oh, no. He should pretend to be someone else. What the freak was that? What? I-I thought I heard something. I got 20-20 hearing. Anyway, you should cruise by my lacrosse game. No thanks! Bye! Bye. There's one! Geesh! Aah! Goosh! Ow! Let's go. Where are we? I think it's a country club. It's like a huge miniature golf course. The windmills are gonna be enormous. Look. I see a light. Maybe that's the docks! (bird squeaks) (crickets chirping) Tennis courts? I don't think those kids are playing tennis. Or they're playing it very wrong. (squeaking) Ah, they all kind of fit. Like she got stomped a couple of times. Can I have my shoes back now? I'm the only one here with uneven legs. Quit milking that leg, Wobbles. Whoa, that's not funny, Teddy. It's okay. It's my last name. Fine, you can have your left one back! Thank you. Maybe we should ask Francis who killed her? Are you mocking me, Gretchen? No. I'm a medium, Teddy. I can talk to dead animals. Mort, your toupee says hi. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Good joke! She's pretending I wear a toupee. So funny. Okay, we're leaving now. Maybe I can still catch up with the kids. But Gretchen's onto something. (silly vocalizing) Lin, she's just drunk. Let's go before she asks us for a ride home. Bobby! Psst. Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! What? What is it? You have fur on the back of your costume, Bob. What? And tiny little scratch marks. Oh, God! Oh, God. I ki... (whispers): ...killed Francis. (groans) (squeaking) Psst! Milo?! I'm so glad you guys are here. They're gonna pee-balloon us any minute now. Oh, yeah, we're glad we're here, too. So, uhyeah, you know what? Oh, this just came to mind. How do you get to the ferry? Oh, ah, okay, just follow this road down the hill and turn right at the stop sign. Now help us break out of here! Lizard: There's kids loose! Let's get 'em! Run! (laughing) You're in trouble! Get it?! Louise: Yes! You can't outrun number one! Louise: Yes, we can! (panting) Three, please. Let's get off this godforsaken island and back to the armpit we call home. I can't wait to be back in my own house, in my own pajamas, in my own Dutch oven. So long, island! (screaming in distance) Oh, those kids are really getting it. I remember Hell Hunt. Still can't stand the sight of eggs. Won't eat 'em, won't touch 'em. What about a nice egg salad? No more egg talk! Yes, more egg talk! Man: Aah. Eggs! Let's go, Gene! Tina, come on! But Milo and Ned are back there, and they need us. (pained screaming) Do they, though? Tina, this isn't our fight! Do you really want to stay here and get pee-ballooned? Yeah. I can pee on myself. I don't need any handouts. Listen, this town gave us the best candy we've ever seen. We owe it to them to go back. Great. Now my candy tastes like guilt! Aah! Fine! We'll go back and save Milo and what's-his-face, but I get to slap Gene. That's fair. (yells) Aah! I banish you from the land of Latifah! Okay, so all we have to do is sneak up to the tennis courts, take out the guy guarding the gate, fight off four teenagers and free the kids. I zoned out. Say that again. We just need some kind of distraction. (tires squeak, phone ringing) I'll be right there. I'm just stopping to get gum and some t-pons. Distraction located. All right, who wants the first pee balloon? You? No. You? No. And... send. (phone beeping) (phone beeps on) Hell, yeah. I just got a text from Amanda. "Pool party at the Wagner house with me and the girls!" What? That's awesome! Ugh. It's kind of cold to go pool hopping. (phone beeping) "The Wagner's pool is not cold." That's weird. Okay, let's go! What about Hell Hunt? Are you crazy? These girls are seniors. I heard Amanda's got a belly button ring. Well, I heard she can tie a cherry stem with her butt! I heard she has to special order her bras! This thing is like a remote control. They'll do whatever I say. Tell them to push their butts together. Give them French accents. She says hurry. And that we're really cute when we hurry. Hey, get all your farts out now before we get there. (whirring) (crickets chirping) Help! Help! Let us out of here! (grunting) Help! Queen Latifah, give me strength! (groaning) (metallic creaking) Thanks, guys. Oh, oh, thank you. I'm not a big fan of pee, right, Ned? Well, we've got a boat to catch. Hold on. I'm not done with this yet. These teens messed with the wrong kids... us. (phone beeping) "Sorry we are late. "We are getting our boobs ready. "You boyz go skinny-dipping. C U soon to skinny-dip." All right, let's pop off our pants. There's a lot of carrots in that stew. (whoops) This is awesome! We're skinny-dipping! It's gonna be even better with girls, I bet! Okay, let's get to the ferry. This candy's not gonna eat itself. We should steal their clothes and throw them in the ocean. Or we could take pictures of them, and then later, we can look at them. That would show them! Fine, I'm gonna get started. Chocolate, caramel, lollipop, hot sauce. Yes! That's it! Let's put hot sauce in their underwear! Does that even do anything? Yeah, if there's one thing a wiener hates, it's hot sauce. I learned that the hard way. Mmm. Taco on the toilet. Why doesn't everybody do this? (screaming) 11 years old and still learning every day. ♪ And that's amazing grace. ♪ Who would like to pay tribute to Francis? Mike? Every time I delivered mail to Teddy, Francis greeted me with a friendly... ♪ Wee, wee, wee-wee, wee, boop-doop-doop. ♪ Something like that. What do I do? Teddy's gonna kill me for killing Francis. You got to tell him. A guinea pig. What is it? Anyway, I'm Dennis. Thank you guys. That was beautiful. Bob, do you want to say anything? Yes. Uh, Francis was a great animal. She went through her life with such poise... I can't do this. Teddy, I killed Francis. What?! I-I didn't even know I did it! I couldn't feel her underneath this stupid fat suit that you made me wear! Oh. Oh. (squeaking) Oh! Oh, God. Damn it. (squeaking) You could have been summer Frankenstein. Summer Frankenstein wasn't good enough for you. I'm really sorry, Teddy. She gave me the best 14 years of my life. Wait. She was 14 years old? How long do they usually live? I don't know. Three to five years. Uh, she was a 154 in guinea pig years. Uh, you probably shouldn't have painted her black and orange, man. Yeah, she got real dizzy. She kept trying to eat her paw. Wait. Why would you spray-paint your guinea pig, Teddy? For the party, 'cause it went with everything. I know... Lin, I know that. But why, Teddy, would you do that? It's pretty stupid. I got caught up in the party. Okay, Bob. We both killed her. Fair enough. Well, now I can get a ferret. Anyway, thanks for coming, everybody. Sorry I called you all murderers. If anyone wants me to burn them a copy of this Spooky Sounds CD, just let me know. They're not coming. I'm getting pruney. Let's get out of here. Chill out with your dills out, man. Don't be lame. I'll call her. (phone ringing through) What the...? (phone ringing) Hey! Bye! (panting) I should have just taken one! Those full bars are weighing me down! (yells) No! Louise? How many pairs of underwear did you hot sauce? Only one of them... wore underwear! Huh. Huh. (yelling) Oh, you are dead! My baby! Come here! (grunting and groaning) Our pee! Ew! And so, the hell hunters become... the ones who are being hell-huntered. Well put. Thanks, guys. Mess 'em up! Goodbye, Milo. Bye, Milo's friend. We'll probably come back next Halloween. No, we won't! Yes! No! Ooh. Gross. Have you guys seen my phone? Geesh! Uh, actually some kid... Ow! I'm getting hit with... Ugh, forget it. Bye! Boy: Yes! Yes! Ooh, so close! Ugh! No fair. I lost all my full bars. You can lick my wrappers. Or I can eat your wrappers! Nothing will ever replace my baby, but these full bars are coming pretty close. There's my little cavities! Yeah, how was your first Halloween without me? Pretty boring, I bet. Uh... Um... Your father killed a guinea pig! He squashed it with... Lin! Oh, tell us about that! Was it in self-defense? Did he disrespect your woman? No. I just... rolled on to him. Yay! Yay! Oh, yeah! Here's what happened. Mm-hmm. It was a dark and spooky night. I knew it!