It's a Nice Day for a Wheeler Wedding

Okay, the wedding prep is finally done.

In 48 hours, I will be married to Brad.

I have to say, Mrs. Wheeler, your relationship with Brad makes me believe in miracles.

I'm going to ignore that...

Because I am going to want to borrow that blouse someday.

All right, now where's Ben?

I still need to go over my vows.

Are you really sure you want Ben to officiate?

Since we got back from Vegas, he only speaks in grunts, snarls, and some pretty rude hand gestures.

We kind of got in a fight.

So make up. How bad could it be?

Oh, good. All the liars and backstabbers are here.

So, by a show of hands, who knew that Danny was in love with Riley, that Riley was in love with Danny, and that I've been making a complete fool of myself for the last year?

Mother?

People tell me lots of stuff.

That's what I thought.

Tucker?

See, what had happened was, awesome! Awesome! Yeah!

So you all knew. That's great.

Okay, which means I'm never speaking to you, you, or you ever again.

And I'm taking this. Thank you.

Ben.

I can't believe you told him on a weekend that's supposed to be all about me.

You're so selfish!

Okay, Ben, just listen...

Sorry, mom.

Don't waste your time.

There's nothing you can say that'll make me feel better.

Mm-hmm. How about... "Get over your damn self"?

Feel free to try a little harder.

Honey, it's not your brother's fault that you and Riley aren't together.

He was 100% behind your relationship with her despite the fact that he's been in love with that girl his entire life.

And now that Riley, after all these years, might actually have some feelings for him, he should be running into her arms, but he's not because of you.

But he lied to my...

Okay, do not cut your mom off when she's on a roll.

We don't get to decide who Riley, or anyone else for that matter, loves.

Because if we could, I would be Mrs. jon Bon Jovi, and you would be Benjamin Bon Jovi Bon Jovi!

Anything else?

Yeah. If you screw up my wedding, we will both regret the day you were born.

Now I hope this helped, and I love you very much.

Come here.

(Groans)

If you could talk, you would have told me, right?

High five? Yeah?

Pound it. (Gibberish)

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪ ♪ Can take your life and change directions ♪

Oh my God! This is a disaster!

How can a wedding planner quit the day before the wedding?

You realize that's your fifth piece of toast, right?

It's called stress eating, Bonnie, and you are making me very stressed!

Well, take a breather.

Nobody wants to marry a chunker, honey.

Maybe it's a sign. Do you think it's a sign?

Yes, I think it's a sign that I cannot control myself around carbs.

I begged you not to keep bread in the house.

Knock, knock.

Where have you been?

I know you said it was a matter of life and death, but, I mean, I figured you'd be dead by the time I got here anyway, so...

I mean, why not stop for coffee?

Our wedding planner just quit.

All of our plans just up in smoke, literally.

Apparently, she went crazy and burned her offices to the ground.

Oh my God, that's horrible.

I got my good suit cleaned for nothing.

Tucker, please, you have to produce our wedding.

I saw that wedding special you did last week on the Mary hart show.

Oh my God, you did?

No, not really.

(Knock on door)

Charlotte!

Bonnie!

Oh my gosh! Get in here!

What are you doing here?

Oh, my gosh, I came running over here the second I heard that that wedding planner that I recommended left you high and dry.

I really thought prison would have changed her.

Well, no worries.

No, I am just glad that you are here to help.

All right, Charlotte.

Yeah.

This is my fiance.

Wow. I knew you liked 'em young, but do you have to pack this one a lunch for school?

No, not this one. Tucker, this one. This is Brad.

Oh, wow. He's an upgrade.

Hello.

Hi.

So, Brad, Charlotte and I met at the hospital when we both went into labor, and we've just been besties ever since.

She's always been the Thelma to my Louise.

You know they died driving off a cliff, right?

Yes, right after they shot a man who crossed them.

Okay, let's get to work! We got a wedding to plan!

Yes, we do!

Oh! Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

Uh, this is hard, so please don't stop me.

I'd be lying if I said I still didn't have feelings for you, but...

Oh, Ben, we can't do this.

Remember the part where I said, "don't stop me"?

Anyway, about us, I just want you to know that I've moved on.

Yeah. Everything is good.

And I know that you're in love with Danny and that Danny's in love with you, Ben...

Still talking. Still talking.

Even though this information would have been super helpful a couple of months ago, I just want you to know that everything is good.

Yeah, I'm, I'm great.

Well, I'm, I'm good.

Actually, I'm just fine.

So if you two don't end up together, then that's all totally on you guys, not me.

Now you may speak.

All right. I don't know what to say.

I can't believe you're being so amazing.

Neither can I.

I'm super happy we're done talking about this.

I just don't ever think there will be a Danny and me.

And we're still talking about this. Okay.

Um, just tell him how you feel.

Okay, see you later.

No, I did, I did, and he completely freaked out on me, so I'm not gonna put myself out there like that again.

I can't do it.

Everyone loses.

Cool. I'm good with that.

Oh, hey, Ben, I'm really sorry, man.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

And you have to believe me, there's nothing going on between me and Riley.

Only because you blew it, which apparently runs in the family.

What are you talking about?

She told me she put herself out there and that you freaked out.

One time.

She put herself out there one time.

I did it, like, a thousand times, and I'm not gonna do it again.

If this is gonna work, she has to make the effort.

Yeah, I'll be sure to tell her that.

(Door closes)

Crap.

I'm gonna have to tell her that.

Hi! Hey, me again.

Um, look, not that I want to get in the middle of any of this, but I'm just saying if it was me, and we've clearly established that it isn't, I'd want to know that I was special to you before I made a move.

You really think so?

I know so. So, are we done now? Cool.

Uh, how about a picnic?

Um, maybe in the tree house where he carved our initials.

It's on the roof, and I saved the board.

Really? You kept that?

The whole time we were dating?

Kind of seems like a red flag, don't you think?

But I'm fine.

I mean, that's perfect.

So, do you think you could get him up there in an hour?

Oh, joy. I'm part of the plan.

Okay, sure.

Okay.

See you.

Oh, Danny, would you mind running downtown and picking up the tuxes?

Oh, I'll do that!

Uh, Danny's gotta be somewhere very important in... three minutes.

Okay, people, we got a little problem.

Is Mrs. Wheeler here?

Problem? Did I hear problem?

I thought I heard him say "problem."

Okay, okay, let's just try to stay calm.

There's no reason to freak out.

Just a couple of teeny tiny little blips.

The venue canceled, the caterer quit, and the florist said they've never heard of you.

There's not gonna be a wedding.

(Crying) No!

Sometimes you just gotta rip that band-aid off.

It's a style choice.

Oh my God!

It's another sign! Our wedding is cursed!

Mom, calm down! Calm down! We'll fix this, I promise.

Yeah, we totally got this, mom.

I know! Maybe we could have it at the bar.

Danny, call our distributors and make sure we have enough booze, and I'll go check to see if our banquet space is booked.

We got this, mom.

Okay.

Wait, weren't you supposed to be somewhere in three minutes?

(Door shuts)

If it was important, Ben would have told me.

Twice!

And this makes twice.

(Rattles)

Oh. Perfect.

(Thunder crashes)

Oh, please don't.

Okay, bad news.

The banquet room at our bar is booked solid.

The good news? The banquet room at our bar is booked solid.

Yay us.

We got it covered, little bro.

I lined up the food and drinks.

Yep, and I had the brilliant idea to do it on our roof while I was reminiscing about that time that I did it on our roof.

The roof?

Oh my God! Riley!

Riley?

This... this is why I didn't want to put myself out there again!

Are you happy now?

Well, it doesn't matter, because I am never getting together with you ever!

Did anybody understand any of that?

I may have a theory or two.

Ben, this is none of your business.

Why can't you just stay out of it?

I can't stay out of it.

You put me right in the middle of it.

She broke up with me for you.

You win, Danny. Not me, you.

I'm the giant loser here.

You always know what to say to make me feel better.

You're right, man, I'm being an idiot.

So you've really loved her your whole life?

Pretty much.

Every since she fell off her bike and sprained her ankle when she was six.

I carried her home, and she called me her hero.

I knew right then she was the girl I was gonna marry someday.

You carried her home?

Dude, good for you. She was huge.

Oh my God.

That's what I need to do.

I need to remind Riley that I'm still her hero.

Sounds like a plan. Hey, let me know how that goes.

Or, you know, don't.

Will you help me?

Oh, joy. I'm still part of the plan.

Was that a yes?

(Softly) Yes.

(Sing-song) Hello, Charlotte.

(Mockingly) Hello, Tucker.

Are we talking in funny voices now?

(Laughs)

You know, I believe I know the reason this wedding is falling apart.

Yeah, you're a horrible wedding planner.

No.

You.

You're the reason. Yeah.

I made some calls.

And the next time you want to blow up a wedding and cancel the caterer, the florist and the venue, you might want to hide your Southern accent.

What Southern accent?

How could you do that to your best friend?

Best friend? That shameful hussy?

She destroyed any chance of me being happy.

That doesn't sound like Mrs. Wheeler.

She slept with my fiance.

Okay, that sounds like Mrs. Wheeler.

I was supposed to get remarried last year, but she put a stop to it.

She didn't think I knew about it, but I did.

And ever since then, I've been waiting, scheming, and plotting.

Wow.

(Chuckles)

Did you ever think of maybe getting a hobby?

But you know, since I've been here, I can see how much in love she and Brad really are, I can't go through with it.

Hey, can I borrow your cell phone?

I need to call her and beg for her forgiveness.

I'm a horrible person.

Would you accept my apologies?

For what?

For this.

No!

(Car horn honks)

Ugghh!

(Rattles)

Charlotte!

(Thunder crashes)

Oh, please don't.

No, no, no.

No. No.

(Knock on door)

Riley, you in there? We need to talk.

The only thing we need to talk about is you coming over without calling first!

The whole Danny thing was my fault, and I just want to make sure you're okay for the wedding.

Hey, do you smell smoke?

No? Huh, maybe it's me. Okay, see you later.

(Smoke alarm blaring)

Ben! Ben, are you out there?

Oh my God, is something on fire?

Ben!

Danny, hey, it's go time.

Riley needs a hero right now.

Now? I'm on it.

Where are you going?

I've got to get ready.

Ready? For what?

Help!

Can anybody hear me?

(Rattles)

(Whispers) Oh my God.

Aah!

Oh, my God. Seriously? Super Danny?

I lost to a grown man in a costume.

Hey, this is what I was wearing when I saved her.

You do hero your way, I'll do it mine.

(Turns off alarm)

Riley? It's Danny! I'm here now! You're safe!

Danny?

(Screams)

Riley!

Stand back!

Little help here!

Seriously, how is she in love with you?

(Knock on door)

Hey.

Hey, I got your call.

Is everything all right?

I'd really rather not see Bonnie before the wedding.

I'm trying to maintain a little bit of mystery.

You know, I don't think I've ever seen her in white before.

I sent her off to my hair guy to get all beautified, but I do need your help.

Okay.

I'm in charge of the punch, and I just don't know which one to serve.

They're both from an old family recipe.

Okay? Here.

(Coughs)

(Exhales)

(Mumbles)

Huh?

Yeah?

Wow. That's, it, that, it's a little strong.

I'd probably go with the other one.

Oh, well, you haven't tried it yet. Here.

(Shivers)

What do you think?

(Hoarsely) I think your family might have a drinking problem, and I think I need to sit down.

Oh, okay.

Oh, gosh. Wow.

Just make yourself comfortable.

What you need is another cup of punch.

Here we go.

You, you kicked a hole in my door?

Oh my God! What is wrong with you?

I'm trying to show you that I'm still your hero!

Excuse me for trying!

They gave me a boot.

I'm sorry, a hero?

A hero would've saved me five minutes before I landed on a fire escape...

And the neighbor's yorkie.

It apparently takes him a little longer to get into his tights than it used to.

Well, don't worry. This is never happening again.

I don't care anymore! I'm done!

You're done? You don't get to be done, because I already said that I was done and...

I'm gonna say it again. I'm done.

(Door closes)

I don't know how you guys do it.

I hate helping people.

(Slurring) Is it hot in here or is it just me?

I mean, I know that it is partially me, but...

Yeah.

I think you'll be a lot more comfortable when we get the rest of these clothes off of you.

Oh my God!

Bonnie?

Look at me!

Blue hair! On my wedding day!

Blue hair!

It's a sign!

It's another sign that we shouldn't get married!

Why is this happening?

Charlotte! Brad! What are you doing?

Oh! Oh! (Chuckles) Bonnie.

We didn't hear you come in.

Hey, I love what they did with your hair.

Oh, hey, Bon-Bon. Good. You found something blue.

What the hell is going on here?

How could you? I thought we were friends!

We were friends, until you slept with my fiance Gerald!

Ha! You didn't think I knew about that, did you?

Well, it's payback time, little missy!

You were gonna marry Gerald? Why didn't you tell me?

I was about to announce it last summer at our barbecue, and then I caught you two in the pool house up on top of some inflatable rafts.

Oh my God, that wasn't me!

I was making out with Tanya's husband in the bushes!

Everybody knows Joanie, that big blonde tramp from down the block, was the one in the pool house.

Oh, really! Everybody knew?

Yeah. I came over the next morning to have coffee and talk about it, but you wouldn't open the front door.

I thought you were just mad at me because I stole your sangria pitcher.

I was mad at you because you slept with my fiance!

You stole my sangria pitcher?

Yeah, but not your fiance.

How could you think that I would even do something like that?

Because I've known you for 24 years!

Yeah, fair enough.

Oh God!

I can't believe I did all this for nothing!

Oh, you mean like trying to ruin my wedding and try to sleep with my fiance?

And now, because of you, I'm about to get married on a dirty roof with blue hair and a drunk groom!

Damn, you're good.

I learned from the best.

That's why we're friends.

We are still friends, aren't we?

Yes. Get over here, Thelma.

Charlotte's evil and can't be trusted!

Both: Yeah, we got it.

(Piano playing)

I'd like to welcome everyone.

"Today we're here to celebrate love. Some love comes quick, some love develops over time."

Pfft. "Love."

"A union between two people who have truly overcome the odds to prove they were meant to be together."

"Meant to be." Ha!

Why are people chiming in?

There's no chiming in. Stop chiming in.

Here's the thing about this love story that's so amazing.

Despite all its twists and turns, it has endured for almost 20 years.

(Whispering) Who is he talking about?

You guys have been best friends your whole lives.

You fell in love with her when you were in kindergarten and have never stopped loving her, not even for a day.

Ben, what are you doing?

I'm sorry, mom, I just need a minute.

You need a minute now?

You told me you always knew that someday you'd be together.

I think that someday is now.

My only question is, dude, what the hell are you waiting for?

And that's my final sign.

You wanna do this another time?

Yeah, I'm good.

Bonnie, I swear, I had nothing to do with this.

Okay. Ha.

So, despite our tremendous efforts and backbreaking work to put this event on, it looks like we won't even be having a wedding today.

So, uh, but, you know, feel free to just grab a bag of rice on your way out and you can boil that up later.

Hey, wait.

Maybe it's not over yet.

You're in a dress, I'm in a tux.

I always knew we'd end up here someday.

So what do you say, Riley?

Will you marry me?

(Acoustic guitar playing)