Pilot (The Cleveland Show)

So basically, Saran Wrap does work as a condom, whereas Ronald Wrap does not. - Hey, what's your problem, Cleveland? - I just had a terrible day. OK What happened? My divorce was finalize and I lost the house to Loretta! Oh my God, I've never seen a black guy cry before. I just hope you guys can't get more pissed off. Where are you going to live? I don't know. Quagmire, could I stay on your gross couch? I need that for humping strangers. How about you, Joe? Can I stay at your house? - No. - I understand. Plus, it's not just me. I also got custody of Cleveland Jr. What is he, 14 years-old now? He aged faster than Kathleen Turner. Good news Kathleen, you've been offered the leading role on a new feature. - What part? - What else? The Babe. The Babe seems to be calling this shot. Dad, when am I going to get hair on my grits? You'll get there, Cleveland Jr. But right now, we've got bigger problems. Your mom wants this house by tomorrow at sundown! - Where are we going to go? - Exactly! - Exactly who? - It's ain't not not joke! We've got to figure out what we're going to do! - Light it. - Peter, I don't want to do this. Do it, Brian. It's the only way I'm going to catch that bird. Here it comes, light it! Darn it, that's it! No more. I'm tired of being kicked around by this world! I'm sorry. - It's alright. - I tried to stop him I don't blame you, Brian. You're a dog! A dog! Hello everyone. Thank you all for coming. Anyway I've got an announcement to make. Losing this house has got me thinking about larger things: my life, and where it's going. There's got to be more than this. What are you going to do? Cleveland Jr. and I are moving to California. So I can persue my lifelong dream of being a minor league scout for a professional baseball organization. Who's gonna run that daily you never go to? When you sell boar's head, it pretty much runs itself. So I put it in a call to my old batting instructor, Mr. Joe Torre. Joe Torre who coached the Yankees for four World's Championships was your old batting instructor and this is the first we're hearing of it? You see? This is exactly why I'm leaving. Nobody never asks anything about what Cleveland's got going on. But if Peter wants to put together a new A-Team, or overthrow a British pub, or recreate all the old damn Star Wars movies, I'm expected to jump on board, no questions asked! Well, then I guess we're going to have to find a new Ringo. Well gosh, Cleveland! We're going to miss you! Is there anything you need before you go? You think you and Bonnie could kiss each other just once? I don't know We might need some champagne That's the first time I have ever asked for anything I really wanted! Touch touch nipples Well, this is it I didn't think it was going to be so hard. Goodbye, kids. - Bye, Mister Cleveland. - Bye, chocolate people. Quagmire Joe Don't you go drink any beers without me! - I know you will. - Take care of yourself. Bye, chocolate people. - Goodbye, Peter. - Don't say Goodbye! The French say "Au revoir". Touch Touch nipples What the hell! He's getting his own show? # My name is Cleveland Brown # # and I am proud to be # # right back in my hometown # # with my new family # # There's old friends, and new friends, and even a bear # # Through good times, and bad times, that's true love we share # # And so I found a place where everyone will know # # my happy black guy face this is the Cleveland show! # = [ Giggity Team ] = benji1000, Gu�j1, Swengin Dad, are you sure moving to California is the right decision for us? It's pretty hard to steal 2nd if your foot's still on 1st. That sounds foxy. What does it mean? It means you've got to take chances in life to find true happiness. - That sounds gay. - Gays are smart. Just look at how many lines Gene Hackman has been able to memorize over the years. Hey, look where we are! Wait a minute, what are we doing in Virginia? I have a surprise for you, Cleveland Jr. We're going to stop off for a day or two in my old hometown. I figured you'd learn a little something about where your dad came from. Okay, but we're out of sandwich cookie. An other box of Oreos has gone? Damn! Hey, look! The old Woolworth. I thought that company went bankrupt a few years back. I guess they forgot to tell this one. I guess they did! I guess they did. There used to be so much hot fur walking around here. Nowdays, the way the ladies are all grooming themselves, I don't even know what you'd call it. I guess you'd say there's so much hot area of skin walking around here. - I'm glad I grew up when I did. - Where is all your baseball trophies? Looks like they move the trophy case. I beg you pardon, can you tell me where the trophy case - Cleveland? - Donna? Thanks for driving me to the dance, Cleveland. Robert would have brought me himself, but he wanted to get drunk - with his friends first. - It's all right, I enjoy your company. I don't know why you're with that guy, he don't treat you right. - Oh, he's not so bad. - Well, I think he is. And I just want you to know that I think you're great. You're wonderful Donna. - I love - There you are, baby! Thanks for keeping her warm for me, do-boy. Donna come on over here and show my buddies your nice fat ass. - Wow, damn! - That's a nice fat ass. So you're working here at the old school? Yeah, I work for the Principal. - How long you're in town for? - A couple of days. On our way to California. Hey, is there a good hotel in the area for a man with keen taste, but also one who is on a budget? Well, if you need a place to stay, we have a spare room at our house. - But what would Robert think? - Oh, Cleveland There is no Robert anymore. We're divorced. I guess there is still some hot fur around here. I guess there is. I guess there is. Back in high school, I would have killed to spend the night - at Donna Tubbs' house. - Wait a minute dad. Is she the one you use to looked at naked trough her bedroom window from the ladder that I don't even know why I told you about that. "Oh, I can keep a secret daddy". - You're alright Donna? - Yes, Lester. Why? There's a couple of black guys following you. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot, you're also black. Have a good day then. Well, I guess I'm back in the south. Eighty-nine. Fourty-three on the back. The greens where fast. Very good Holt. This is my friend Cleveland. What's up Dawg? - You gotta blow it up, Bro. - Holt! - What mom? - It's time for dinner. I'm talking to my friends! I've got to get my dinner on. I come back later. Bring the new Dave. Live in Austin. Sick! He's a funny little man. Rallo, this is Cleveland and Cleveland Jr. They're going to be our guests for a couple of nights. We're having fat people stay at our house now - and nobody runs it by me. - Watch your mouth Rallo. Roberta! - Where's your sister? - She left! - And left you alone! - Evidently. Hey, I ain't gotta go to school no more. Rallo got kicked out. He pulled down the teacher's pants. During Show and Tell. She was doing a little too much telling. And not enough showing. Honey, go show Cleveland Jr. upstairs to the guestroom. We ain't got no freit elevator. You're alright with me, Chops, come on. That one gets kicked out of school, and his sister who's supposed to be watching him is probably running around with that nogood loser Federline Jones. Hard to believe a daughter of yours would be attracted to a boy who is no good for her. Twenty-five years later and you're still giving me guff about Robert. You need to get laid, fool. Oh mom! Thank God you're home. Rallo probably already told you. I was going to the library to get him some new books. But on the way I was mugged by six Al-Quaidas. And I say: "Oh no, you don't, Al-Quaidas. " And I fought them off. One by one. But by the end, I was so tired, I decided to just come home to the loving embrace of my family. I fought off six Al-Quaidas. Oh please, Roberta. That excuse was less convincing than an eyebrow comb-over. So, coach Torres office said they'd reemboursed me for the milage one the way out there. And with gas prices these days Write your own punchline. Gas costs a lot. He gets what I'm talking about. I've got to go get ready for Federline. - It's a school night! - We're studying mom. Studying each others wee-wees. Rallo! Oh, I swear my kids need some fathering. Tell you what. I get them on the right track before I leave for California. You think you can do in two days what I haven't been able to do in five years? Just watch me. - Be back by ten! - I'll be back whenever I want. Roberta, can I talk to you for a moment? No! You get on my nerves. I tell you what else gets on my nerves. When white people make a TV show, they think black people would watch. We now return to "That's what I was telling you before. " What are you kids doing? The church costumed party is tomorrow. That's what I was telling you before. Are you Federline Jones? I don't need my windows washed, old man. I wasn't offering to wash your windows. Do you see a spray bottle? Do you see a squeegie or a ***** or even a piece of balled-up newspaper? How would I wash your windows without those things? It would be impossible to wash windows without those things. Now, if you wanted me to check your spark plugs maybe I could do that, because all I would need is for you to pop the hood. But that's not why I came out here. There's a lady inside who you're going to bring home at ten o'clock, not 10:01, not 9:59, because that might be too soon. Because I'm hoping to get in a bit of petting myself tonight. I don't know why I'm telling you this but it's true. I want it because it feels good! Damn, I put a lot of time into this one, and I'm not going to let you mess it all up by coming home at 9:59! So, what time are you going to bring her home? Ten o'clock! Great! Have fun, kids! Don't drink too many sodas! So, you really showed that kid who's the boss, huh? A bear! A black man! You see? It doesn't feel so good, does it? It's very reductive. Anyway, don't worry about it. You must be Cleveland. - Who are you? - I'm Donna's neighbour, Tim. But my wife and our son Ramon live here, in this house, right here. Aren't you supposed to live in the woods? Yeah, I suppose It's not It's not the best place to make a buck in today's Well, you know the rat race! I know, right? Tim, for heaven's sake! How long does it take to take out the trash? Are you waiting for it to biodegrade? Do me a favor Don't tell the Mrs. She'd tied my head over the menthol if she found out. That's the antidote right there. Well, may the peace of Jesus Christ be with you. Alright then. I don't trust that Federline Jones And I don't trust Roberta either. But I don't know what to do Have you considered genital mutilation? What? I'm just kidding! You're so stupid! Do you remember that song you used to sing to me? Sing it to me again! - No - Come on! I don't remember it. You've got a man in the house now. - It's been a long time - She's lying. And tomorrow I'm getting Rallo back in school. He'd just have been curious. Like I was when I went to that Jimmy Fallon movie. I wonder if I urinated on the floor, it would make it all the way down to the front. Thank you for giving Rallo another chance, Mrs. Lowenstein. - May I call you Hadasa? - L'cha�m. Now, remember: I'm not trying to stop you for being who you are, you've just got to be cool about it. So what are you going to do when yo want to go under the table - to lookup someone's skirt? - Create another reason for why I would be going under the table. That's right. Now, go do your thing. Hey, ladies! Oops! I dropped my pencil I wonder where that pencil has gone It is the most elusive pencil one wonders if I ever will find it. Thatta boy! Speaking of pencils I have a golf pencil in my pants right now. - Guess who's back in kindergarten? - Adam Sandler? No, Rallo. I know, Mrs. Lowenstein called. I can't believe you did it Cleveland. Thank you so much. You know what you proved to me? That these kids need a man in their lives. And that I need a man in my life. Who do you have in mind. Who do you think do-boy? - Robert? - I owe it to the children to see if we can make it work. You showed me that. Come on baby. Let's go down to Woolworth. I'll by you a grilled-cheese and a peroqueet. - We're not getting a peroqueet. - I'd get you one if you wanted it. Robert! Thanks, Cleveland. It can't getting worse than this. Daddy, can you come wipe me? What should we name our new bird? - Is it a boy or a girl? - It's a girl. Joan! Her name is Joan. Dad, do you think uncle Robert would get us a bird as well? No time for that Cleveland Jr. We're leaving first thing in the morning. What? Then I cancel dinner with Robert. I shouldn't be gone your last night. No, I'll just do my thing and you can do your thing. Which probably involves Robert's thing and your thing. Oh, which way is the bar, Thing? So you're leaving soon for California, hey? I hope you packed your liberal shoes. Well, with their electric cars and their wriggle beagle and all, you know. Yeah, heading out tomorrow. It's not like there's anything to keep me here in Stoolbend. Certainly not Donna. Oh, I know how to read a person. I can tell you are sweet on Donna, aren't you? - No. - You are! You'd give up baseball for a woman whose already busted out two children - out of her twin leg area? - No! And even if I wanted to, I couldn't. Her ex is back in the picture. Oh! Not Robert, he's a terrible listener. - Busted my Gameboy! - Robert stole my ladder, my Well, he's taking her to dinner tonight. Anyway Nice knowing you guys. I got some packing to do. We can't just let him go. Cleveland, wait! You owe us like $8. 50 for your drinks, man. Eight fifty for two peach schnapses! - He's a good man. - She's a good woman. Yo, brewdogs. You guys thinking what I'm thinking? Looks like another case for Holt's Heroes. Alright, but for the last time we ain't calling ourselves that. We're the Kickassers! Then it's settled. All the Jesus Crusiders together? - Kickass! - No fat chicks! Holt to heroes: "Get those butterfly out, it's game time". Yipikaye motherf. Holt down! Repeat. Holt down! Somebody call my mom. Wait, you said you weren't leaving until tomorrow. I tought we'd get a head start so we could do a little sightseeing. Maybe check out Dolly Parton's birthplace. I guess she could nurse herself, hum? Stop it Bob. This is a real problem. So This is goodbye then. You're a very lucky boy to have this father. I can't think of a finer man than Cleveland Brown. Goodbye Donna. Oh I know y'all aint leaving without making these beds. Are we gonna have a pool in California? We'll try. We'll see what ***** they'll have for us when we get there. In our kitchen, will our freezer be on top of the fridge, or will it be side by side? Or will it be on of those that has the freezer on the bottom I don't know! I tought pursuing your dream was supposed to make you happy. Not a big douche. I'm sorry Cleveland Jr. Didn't you tell me that sometimes, you have to take chances in life - to find true happiness? - I did. Well then, what are we doing driving to California? Miss Donna is back in Stoolbend. Oh, look at the little one. Oh, baby, it feels so right to be back in this house with you, - the cable TV - Excuse me? You're tense! Come on sugar loosen up. Donna, I got something to say. - Cleveland? - You're too good for this man. Who are you, coming in here talking all kinds of trash? Who I am? I'm someone who wants more than just a booty-call. I'm someone who would treat this lady right. And be a good father to her children. Her children? My children. Do you even know what grades they're in? The girl must be done with high school, right? And Rerun is in what? Sixth grade? Donna, I don't want to go to California anymore. But What about your dream? You're my dream. You always have been. I love you Donna Tubbs. I have been waiting 25 years to hear you say that, Cleveland Brown. I love you too. Did you hear that, chump? This nice fat ass is mine. You ain't seeing the last of me. Say bird? Let's rip this joint. This is just a couple of jive ass turkeys, anyhow. That's what I was telling you before. I present Mr. and Mrs. Cleveland Brown. Usually, I think weddings are gay. Not this one. You're all OK with having a black guy for friend? I mean You know. Hey, we got a black president, it's about time we had a black friend. Hey, we can talk to him about the president. Well, I may not be a baseball scout. - But I think I just hit a homerun. - Me too! You know, I guess I could get used to having a dad again. And I can get used to having a brother and sister. Well, if we ain't the black Brady Bunch Except I'm not a gay architect, and my wife is not sleeping with my son. Not yet!
 * Oh, Donna you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind # # Hey Donna! # # Hey Cleveland! # # Oh, Donna, what a pity you don't understand, # # you take me by the hat, when you take me by the hair # Do you know what time it is? It's ten o'clock Damn, I should have told them 10:04 Federline insisted I'd be home on time.