Bully Bust

Candace: (In a dream) But, you honor, how could I have robbed that bank if I was already wearing the prison jumpsuit? It just doesn't make any-- (She wakes up to the sound of Buford humming) Somehow I want to finish that dream to find out if I'm guilty or not. (She walks to the window, to see Buford in the backyard, humming and tying his shoes) What?!

Buford: (After he finished tying his shoes) Voilà.

Candace: Buford, what are you doing?

Buford: Just trying out my new...

(Song: "Tuff Gum" (instrumental))

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Candace: No, I mean what are you doing in our yard so early?

Buford: There are two things you should know about the Van Stomms. One, we always set our alarms on time, and two, if we don't, we show up early and take our lumps. We've even got a song about it.

Candace: That's okay, I do not need to hear the song.

Buford: Too late.

(Song: "Van Stomm's Rule One")

Buford: Weeeeeellllllll...

Van Stomms wake up better

Than anyone else on Earth

It's because we have rules for sleeping

That we've seemed to know at birth

Rule One is to set the alarm clock

To precisely the proper hour!

And make sure you've got time to eat breakfast,

Get dressed, brush your tooth, and maybe a shower.

We're careful with our alarm clocks,

We're not sloppy like those other chumps

'Cause Rule Two's if you mess up and set it too early

You show up and takes your lumps

Buford: Does that answer your question?

Candace: Oh yeah, that explains a lot.

Buford: So that's why I got up early. What's your excuse?

Candace: I'm just getting an early start on busting my brothers.

Buford: You know, you should really find a new hobby. You've got no skills.

Candace: Ha! I'd like to see you keep their contraptions from disappearing at the last second.

Buford: Is that a challenge?! Because you should know that the Van Stomms never back down from a challenge.

Buford: Weeeeeellllllll...

Candace: Stop! Stop! Stop! I challenge you, just as long as you don't sing about it.

Buford: Her loss. The Van Stomm's "Accept a Challenge" song has a killer bridge. It goes to an F sharp minor, in the key of G!

(Cut to Phineas and Ferb's bedroom. Perry is sleeping on Phineas' bed.)

Major Monogram: Calling Agent P. Agent P. Wake-y wake-y Agent P. Over here. No, not on the computer screen. Though that would have made infinitely more sense. To the right. Down a bit. Over a bit more. That's right. (appears on a trading card) Hey-Oh. Carl installed a nano-screen on this trading card a few days ago, disguised as a Flynn-Fletcher family member.

Carl: (Dressed as Candace) Can you guess which one?

Monogram: Take that off already, Carl. You're creeping me out, man.

Carl: Okay...

Monogram: Sorry to wake you up so early Agent P, but evil never rests and by "evil" I mean Doofenshmirtz. It's not even 6 AM yet, and our surveillance cameras have spotted him at the local caffeination station, ordering the largest, most caffeinated beverage they sell. Nothing good can come from this hideous spurt of energy, so get to it Agent-- (Offscreen Phineas is talking to Ferb) Sounds like your boys are on their way back. Get to it Agent P. (puts the real figure on the trading card in)

Phineas: Way to floss, Ferb. Who knew fighting plaque could be so much fun? Come to think of it, (Entering his bedroom along with Ferb) I know what we're going to do today Ferb. Hey where's Perry? That's strange.

Ferb: I know we normally do this later in the day.

Phineas: Yes, yes we do.

Candace: Sweet, with Buford as my busting stooge, now I can concentrate on more important things. (Candace turns on the TV)

TV Show: It's time for "Girls Freaking Out!"

Candace: Ooh, I love this show. It makes me feel so normal.

Linda: (She walks into the room) Okay Candace, I'm off to the beach. Vivian called and said the waves are crankin'. I have my cell with me.

Candace: Oh, that's okay. I'm out-sourcing today. Everything will still be here when you get back.

Linda: Well, I certainly hope so. See you later hon.

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

Doofenshmirtz: (Speaking very rapidly) Gotcha. And you don't even know it yet. That's the beauty part. Watch this prolonged series of unnecessary events. (Doofenshmirtz launches a kangaroo, causing a ball to roll down a flight of stairs, through a tube) W-w-w-watch this. (the ball causes a car to drive into a target, launching an anvil into a catcher's mitt, dropping a cage on Perry) Yeah, yeah, yeah... Yes! Ha! I win! I know it's a little over the top, but I was inspired by this board game I love when I was a kid. Well actually, it was Roger's board game. But I would sneak a peek of it, through the keyhole of his door. You know it looked like I would love it. But, I borderline backstory. (He takes a few short breathes) You see, I have so much evil energy from the soy venti latte extra-caf-and-a-half quadruple sugar, blood pressure bomberino. Love it! So I spent the whole morning building this complex, giant version of the game. Really I surprised you didn't see it flying in. Okay, beholding time! Behold my Luff-Flex-Dill-Pickle-inator! What does it do, you ask? (takes out a screen) Well it will launch all of my enemies into orbit, and keep them floating there so far into the atmosphere, that they won't bother me anymore. Cool, huh? Yeah I know the name's a little weird, but hey, I bought it off the internet, and my rights to it expire tomorrow, so I was kinda forced to use it today. I have so much energy from that one cup of coffee, I just keep rambling-- (Perry hops out of a hole in his cage) Ooh. you know that trap was always the lamest part of the game. I always though-- (Perry attacks Doofenshmirtz)

Phineas: Hey Buford, you're here early.

Buford: The early bully catches the nerd, my friends.

Baljeet: Hello.

Buford: And my point is made for me.

Isabella: Hi Phineas

Irving: I am here also.

Isabella: Whatcha doin'?

Phineas: Well our inspiration for today's activity manifested as we performed our morning ablutions.

Isabella: I love it when Phineas uses unnecessarily long words for common things like brushing your teeth and washing up.

Baljeet: Yes, it is gratifyingly erudite.

Isabella: It's not as cute when you do it. Baljeet: (he sighs) I am cognizant of that fact.

Phineas: Introducing the Dental-Hygenosphere. A thrill packed adventure through the exciting and colossal word of Dental hygiene. Now who's with us?

Isabella and Baljeet: Me!

Irving: We!

Buford: It's a little preach-y for my taste, but count me in too.

Isabella: I'll help with the super structure.

Baljeet: Ooh! I will spray on the enamel coating.

Irving: And I'll sell ballooths. (Isabella and Baljeet stare at Irving) Balloons in the shape of a tooth.

Baljeet: Oh, you mean toothalloons.

Isabella: Ballooths? Where'd you get ballooths from?

Buford: Yeah, that's toothalloons. And I'll lock it all down, and make sure it doesn't move.

Phineas: Alright, safety first, I guess. Knock yourself out.

Candace: (Looking out of her window) Let's see how the rookie's doing on his assignment. (Quirky Worky Song in the background) Hmm, not bad. I kinda like his style.

Irving: Toothalloons! Get your toothalloons here!

(Work on the project continues and Buford proceeds to secure it)

Phineas: Alright everybody, all aboard the tooth-buggies. Ferb even installed dental floss-themed seat belts.

Isabella: Mmm, minty.

Phineas and Isabella: Wa-hoo!

(Buford gets on the ride as it begins to move, but Candace pulls him off)

Candace: Not so fast! I knew too! You're giving up, and just going on the ride for fun.

Buford: Not hardly. I swiped this bad-boy (His rivet gun) from the orthodontist's section, to cut off stuff sticking out of the ride that could snag a passing plane as they go along.

Candace: Listen, this thing ain't snag on a plane is just the tip of the bicuspid. It could shrink down to the size of a real tooth, and get lost in the grass. Or turn to ice, and melt into nothingness. For all you know it could turn into a giant Ducky Momo, and fly away. Are you prepared for all that?

Buford: Weeeeeellllllll...

Candace: I don't need to hear the "We Prepare for Every Eventuality" song.

Buford: Fine, for the record though, it's the "Be Prepared for Every Eventuality" song. It's in the imperative tense. (walks away angrily)

(On the ride)

Isabella: Wow, the periodontal level was awesome.

Phineas: Hang onto your retainers, everyone as we travel through the pulp chamber, past the cementoenamel junction, and up, up up, to the apex of the crown.

Phineas and Isabella: Yeah! Woo-hoo!

Baljeet: (To Ferb) You know this is tame compared to other roller coasters, but when you compare it to other dental themed rides, it is a rush!

Doofenshmirtz: (Weaving from behind a giant pink kangaroo) Now you see me. Now you don't. Now you see me. Now you don't. Hehe. (Perry punches him, and Doofenshmirtz falls down the stairs, and slides across the ramp of the trap) Hey, where'd ya' go? (Perry bounces up to the catches mitt holding the anvil) I've got you now Perry the Platypus. (Doofenshmirtz bounces up to get him, but smashes into the anvil, which then falls on him.) Ow!

Buford: I've completely protected their invention from airplane snags, stray balloons, meteorites, flocks of wild gazelles, and giant cracks that form in the crust of the Earth.

Candace: What if it turns into water?

Buford: Covered.

Candace: What if it turns into smoke?

Buford: Covered.

Candace: What if it space-harpies descend from the sky and have it for breakfast?

Buford: Aw, come on, really? Totally covered.

Candace: Really? And how di--

Buford: I sprayed it with space-harpy repellent.

Candace: Yeah, okay. Just make sure this is still here when I come back with my mom. (On the phone) Mom! Mom!

Buford: If there's one thing us Van Stomm do, we make sure things are still there when people get back with their moms. Well..

Doofenshmirtz: Hold still so I can hit you fair-and-square. (Perry kicks Doofenshmirtz into his -inator, causing it to fire) Really!?

(The beam hits a lawn chair in Phineas and Ferb's backyard)

Buford: Aw man! Random green rays from the sky! I forgot about random green rays from the sky! Oh, no, not on my watch. (Buford throws assorted objects in the path of a green rays) Oh, man, I've run out of conveniently placed objects. Bingo. (Buford runs, and grabs Irving's helium balloon) Coming through!

Irving: My toothalloons!

Buford: Yeah, they weren't selling anyway. Not on my watch. (Another beam hits the helium tank, and it floats away) Ah! The helium tank! Actually it's kinda ironic when you think about it. (Buford sees another beam heading towards him, and in slow motions blocks the beam with his body) Not on my watch! (He begins floating upward) Yes! The human shield tactic never failed. (He notices his shoe laces are caught on the tooth) man, I knew I should have hung onto that laser.

(Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, and Baljeet all exit the ride)

Isabella: Woo-hoo!

Phineas: Woo-hoo.

Baljeet: Let us go again. (The Tooth gets lift up)

Baljeet: Maybe not.

Buford: AAAAAH! I guess they ain't called--

(Song: "Tuff Gum" (instrumental))

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Buford: ...for nothin'.

Doofenshmirtz: Prepare to be blitzed by my inexplicable, new found martial arts mastery! (Doofenshmirtz shows off his new found talent, but accidentally kicks off his shoe) I hate to ask Perry the Platypus, but have you seen my other-- (Perry is seen rubbing his head, with Doofenshmirtz's shoe lying beside him) Oh, there it is. That's what I was planning to do. Perry the Platypus, looks like this is the end for you. (Doofenshmirtz lines up his -inator to hit Perry. However Perry throws Doofenshmirtz's shoe at him, causing the -inator to fire at Doofenshmirtz's building, and Doofenshmirtz to flip over the edge of the building, having him hang their by only his knees) Just not nice! (The top of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated lifts into the sky)

Buford: (After untying himself from the giant tooth) Well, I hope that lands in the backyard of a giant who needs a fake tooth.

(Perry smashes the inner workings of the -inator)

Doofenshmirtz: Hey, hey did you say, (He mimics a few electrical noises)

Buford: You know I kind of like to sit back and relax after all that manual labour. (The floating effect wears off of him and the other objects hit by the -inator) Uh-oh. (He plunges downward) Ahhhhhh! I've got a song about how Van Stomms fall from the sky too, but, it doesn't end well.

Isabella: That was so much fun.

Phineas: Too bad Buford missed it all. I wonder where he got to.

(Buford's laces catch on the tree, and he hangs in front of the gang)

Buford: Hello.

Phineas: Hey, Buford. Are those--

(Song: "Tuff Gum" (instrumental))

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Buford: Yes, yes they are.

(Scene cuts to the gate)

Candace: Right over here Mom. Ta-da!

(Long pause, Candace frowns. Her perspective)

Phineas: Hi Mom! Hi Candace!

Linda: What are you guys up to? Buford, are you okay?

Buford: Just putting my new laysizz through their paces.

Linda: Okay then. Then I'm going inside. Who wants pie?

Isabella: I do.

Baljeet: Ah, yes.

Phineas: Yeah, me too.

Baljeet: I always want pie. Candace: (stomps up to Buford) Buford, explain yourself!

Buford: Weeeeeellllllll...

Candace: (running away) I'm not hearing it!

Buford: ...if we Van Stomms don't succeed on the very first try...  ...Then we just give up.

(The top of DEI lands in the middle of a desert)

Doofenshmirtz: Just in case anyone's wondering what happened to old Doofenshmirtz, I'm okay. (The giant tooth lands on top of him) Well, obviously not now.

End credits
Buford: Weeeeeellllllll...

Van Stomms wake up better

Than anyone else on Earth

It's because we have rules for sleeping

That we've seemed to know at birth

Rule One is to set the alarm clock

To precisely the proper hour!

And make sure you've got time to eat breakfast,

Get dressed, brush your tooth, and maybe a shower.

We're careful with our alarm clocks,

We're not sloppy like those other chumps

'Cause Rule Two's if you mess up and set it too early

You show up and takes your lumps