The Peter Principal

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Sesame Street, now on HBO. (CHEWING NOISILY) Oh, hi, you guys. How was school? Honestly, Mom, today was kind of weird. Every kid in school had to write a list of five reasons Principal Shepherd is cool and then have their parents sign it. What? That seems crazy. One time, I saw him pee in a urinal with his hands on his hips. That's pretty boss. Why would the principal make all the students do that? I don't know. I think he's going through a tough time. He's in the middle of a bad divorce. What? How do you know that? He's actually been pretty open about it. PRINCIPAL SHEPHERD: Good morning, students. Today at 3:30, James Woods High will be hosting a cross-country meet, which also happens to be where Lorraine has threatened to take my children, across the country. And here's today's "Tuesday Trivia" question: Does this sound like yelling? Because, apparently, this sounds to some people like yelling. All right, finally some peace and quiet, so I can buckle down and get some writing done. (DRUMS PLAYING OFFBEAT) - JOE: Hey, Bonnie! - BONNIE: What? JOE: Listen to this. Say, "It's all been a pack of lies. " BONNIE: What? Why? JOE: Just do it! Just say, "It's all been a pack of lies. " BONNIE: "It's all been a pack of lies. " (DRUM BREAKDOWN FROM "IN THE AIR TONIGHT" PLAYS) BONNIE: That sounded really good. JOE: Thanks, babe. Hey, you know what that song's about? Phil Collins watching some guy watch another guy drown. And then, the next night, he invited the watching guy to be in the front row of his concert so he could sing it right to him and they could arrest the guy! BONNIE: Really? Why wouldn't he have just helped the guy who was drowning? JOE: I don't know, I think he was on a bridge or something. Like, he could see it, but he couldn't get there in time. BONNIE: But he let a whole day pass? Why didn't he call the cops? JOE: 'Cause he was busy writing the song! BONNIE: Wait, if he just watched, doesn't that also make him a little guilty? JOE: Look, I'm not saying we wouldn't bring Phil Collins in for questioning. BONNIE: I feel like maybe this story is bogus. JOE: Hang on, let me check Snopes. Yeah, none of that happened. (GROANS) Hey. What's up? (SIGHS) Well, I'm trying to work on a sequel to The Old Man and the Sea. Are you, are you allowed to do that? But I can't get anything done. It's so damn loud around here. Oh, yeah, that's what Hemingway used to complain about. "This Spanish Civil War is just too loud. How am I supposed to get anything done?" No, I mean, it might sound silly, but I used to daydream that by now I'd have my own place by a lake somewhere, an oasis where I could go to write. Pay the bills by renting out the rooms. Oh, like a B and B? That could be fun. What? What are you talking about? I'm talking about you and me opening a B and B. Are you serious? That'd be great! Sure. It'll be fun. All right, let's give it a try. Can't be any worse than when I was on the Night's Watch. Hey, guys, you all want to say the oath again? (GROANS) - For the watch. - (GROANS) - For the watch. - (GRUNTS) - For the watch. - (GROANS) - Hi, Brian. - (GRUNTS) I'm the boring storyline of the fat guy that's watching that girl. And I'm Ballers. Ow! (CRYING) I totally get it. You're right to do this. Well, well, if it isn't Meg Griffin. Leave me alone, you guys. Relax. We're taking the day off from bullying. Oh, thank God. Very funny. Who put the Ark of the Covenant in here? (LAUGHTER) Meg is so stupid. She couldn't handle the glory of God's love. Students, faculty and staff of James Woods High, does anyone know how to push down the backseat of a Highlander? I know I can make a bed in there, I just don't know how. Oh, my God, Principal Shepherd, what's wrong? I just listened to two hours of butt-dialed sex between my wife and the ADT alarm guy. Why didn't you just hang up? (VOICE BREAKING): Because I miss the sound of her voice. (SOBBING): Oh, my God! SCHOOL SECRETARY (OVER P. A. ): Principal Shepherd, your wife is on the line. She says, "Uh, uh, oh, God, harder. " Man, I still can't get over how perfect this place is. I know, it's going to be such a darling B and B. I got the boiler up and running, Mr. Griffin. Well, we don't have a boiler, but I can't wait to see what you've done in the cellar. Oh, also, please rub the "H" and the "C" off all the knobs, so people won't know what the hell's going on. I want the first four minutes of every shower to be confusion and anger. Welcome, members of our school community. Let's call to order this emergency meeting of the school board regarding Principal Shepherd's meltdown. I know a number of our students have felt (MOCKING VOICE): "traumatized" by the events of this week, (NORMAL VOICE): and we take those concerns very seriously. Lois, I'm done with my gum. I don't want it. But I'm done with it. Peter, shh. I'll take it. So, due to his erratic behavior, we have placed Principal Shepherd on indefinite paid leave. Typically, Vice Principal McGuire would step in. However, I was informed earlier today that she was found dead in her car. (MAN COUGHS) Therefore, the board is seeking a parent volunteer to serve as interim principal until a permanent replacement can be found. Hey, Lois, maybe I should do it. I've always wanted a job where I can let my dandruff go wild. What? No way. I'm not having my dad be the principal. How embarrassing! Yeah, no offense, Peter, but I don't know if you should be running a school. What are you talking about? I'm a natural leader. That's why I'm so good at leading Simon Says. Simon says, "Leave the band. " Yeah, I don't know. Well, you know what? You guys are wrong. And I'm gonna prove it to you. Again, any volunteers? I'll be your new principal! Wonderful. Why don't you come on up and introduce yourself. All right. James Woods High cheerleaders, give me a hand! (CHEERING) CHEERLEADERS (CHANTING): Check. Him out. Check. Check him out. - My name is Peter. - Check. - That ain't no lie. - Check. I go pop, pop, fizz, fizz, oh, how sweet it is. Check! Check! I'm done with this gum now. I don't want it. But I'm done with it. Mom, why was this Listerine in the garbage? Oh, your father says he doesn't need it anymore now that he's a high school principal. Oh, my God, he's not really doing that, is he? I'm only gonna get bullied worse now. Hello, Breakfast Club. (CHUCKLES) As a principal, I like to start each morning with a reference from last century. Dad, I don't want you to do this. Too late. I've already been practicing giving students awkward and uncoordinated high fives. Chris, if I may? Yay! Two fingers and side-of-the-palm contact. Perfect! All right, I got to get to work by 7:40, 'cause that's when high school starts for some reason. See you at the way-too-early 10:40 lunch. (GROANS) I feel you, Meg. - Shut up. - You shut up! (GUESTS CHATTERING) Wow, look at us. Running a B and B. Yes, so far, all the guests seem very happy. Hi, we're checking out. Just charge my card. That's weird, that's the fifth couple to check out after only an hour. Hi, we'd like a room, please. Wait, I'm sorry, weren't you just here a moment ago with a different man oh, crap. Stewie, we have a problem. The only people checking in are here to have sex with prostitutes. What? Nonsense. Well, then why are they all signing the guest book and writing quaint things like, "Railed Crystal good. " Oh Damn it, this is awful. How could I have not noticed sooner? I mean, it's more obvious than when George Takei was in the closet. Hey, George, how are you? I am a heterosexual. I love vaginas. (CHEWING NOISES) So, what are you doing tonight? Hopefully, choking on some lovely lady parts. Oh, nummers. All right, that sounds fun. See you later. I am a heterosexual. Good morning, children. I am your interim principal, Mr. Griffin. And to show I'm a fun principal, I'm gonna do the Ice Bucket Challenge. Three years too late, but right on time for a principal. And making no less sense than it did when it was current. (KIDS LAUGHING AND CHEERING) You're welcome, person who's probably already dead. But, hey, now I got something even more fun. How about we all do an expertly choreographed lip-dub to a popular song. ("UPTOWN FUNK" BY MARK RONSON AND BRUNO MARS PLAYING) (GUITAR RIFF PLAYING) Ah This hit, that ice cold Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold This one for them hood girls Them good girls, straight masterpieces Stylin', wilin', livin' it up in the city (YELLING) Got to kiss myself, I'm so pretty I'm too hot Hot damn Call the police and the fireman Ladies, this is my associate. Brian, bitches. Bitches, Brian. What what's all this? This, Brian, is called diversification. You see, if our guests insist on bringing prostitutes into our B and B, we might as well provide the women, too. What? Stewie, we're not gonna become pimps. Are you sure? I'm sure. The answer is no, so don't bother flashing a wad of money, because there's no way I'm gonna change my answer in the middle of this sentence Okay, maybe we could try it out and see how it goes. Hey, what are you girls doing standing around?! Get to work! Ha-ha! I'm telling you, that dog is very easily persuaded. Now let's see what's going on at the old high school. Ooh Doo-ooh Doo Hey, guys, guys. When Borat was making announcements over the P. A. this morning, that was me. What?! Shut the front door. (IMITATING BORAT): Taco Tuesday is nice. MEG: Knock it off! Give me back my lunch. What do we got here? Grape juice in a Ziploc bag? I have to make my own Capri Suns. Hey, stupid, what the hell are you doing? That's my daughter! Yeah? What are you gonna do about it? What am I gonna do about it? I'll knock your teeth down your throat and out your butt, you little bastard! - (LAUGHS) - Oh, you think that's funny, him spilling juice all over the floor? This is gonna make people's sneakers sticky, and then we're gonna have to listen to (IMITATES STICKY SHOES WALKING) all day! Well, I won't have it. Get on your knees and lick that up! What? A-Are you serious? Yeah, I'm serious. I'm the principal! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. What are you talking about? That jerk is finally getting what he deserves. Yeah, Meg, now that your dad's the principal, you could finally have power over the bullies. Now, you little punks get to class. And if you see Miss Millikan, tell her I said, "Hey, what's up?" Huh. Maybe you're right. Wow, Dad, that was really something. Miss Millikan's just a friend. Oh, I don't mean that. I mean the way you handled those guys that were picking on me. Really? I felt like I kind of lost my cool there. Not at all. That's what you've got to do more of. - You were like a real principal there. - I was? Yeah. In fact, if you're gonna lead this school, you've got to know that kids need discipline. Especially kids like them. And their friends, Jeremy and Bridget. Oh, really? Where might I find this Jeremy and Bridget? I don't know, study hall, second floor? (LOUD CHATTER) All right, listen up, maggots! Fun's over! There's gonna be some changes around here, and what better way to show you I'm serious than to smash a desk with a baseball bat? (GRUNTS) (GRUNTING) Oh! (GRUNTS) (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) Okay, we'll pick this up on Monday. Do any of you know my wife Lois? Tell her I'm on the bats and to come get me. She'll know what it means. Let's go. Keep it moving. Get to class. Hey, you. You salute that flag when you walk by, kid. Loads of people fought for that thing, including yours truly. Y-You were in the service? I may have misunderstood what "yours truly" means. Hey, Dad, listen. The four of us got together last night, and we came up with a list of 11 students and two teachers that you need to do something about. Maybe you should start with Mark Rutledge. Why? What'd he do? He wouldn't kiss Ruth at the Sadie Hawkins dance, even though she bought him dinner before at Walt's Roast Beef. Well, I don't see how that's got anything to do And he called you fat. Oh, I'm gonna squish him! That's right. Don't take any crap from anyone. Oh, I won't. I'm gonna take down all these punks, just like I did in my 1980s crime series, Gary Ratowski, Hockey Cop. Gimme that purse! Hey, criminals. Puck you! (SKATES CLACKING ON CEMENT) Get the puck out of my neighborhood. Go puck yourself. (SIREN WAILING) Uh-oh, here come the real cops. ANNOUNCER: Hockey Cop, not a cop. All right, ladies, I'm going to put this as gently as I can, but it appears that someone's rectum fell out on the stairs. Now, whose is it? Be honest. All right, that's fine. But let's just agree on a rule that if your rectum falls out on the stairs, it's on you to pick it up. Look at that, Brian. Our day has just begun, and there's a line out the door. I know, we're raking it in. This is a hell of a lot easier than when I delivered pizza in New Orleans. (BAND PLAYING LIVELY MUSIC) What the hell? We're all just blocking the street We're all just blocking the street Come on, I got to deliver this pizza. Five trumpets do the job of one We're all just blocking the street I need to be there in 30 minutes. It's a company promise! Half the band isn't in the band We're all just blocking the street Oh, thank God. One of us dropped a contact lens We're going back to block the street Ah, screw it. We won't stop blocking the street Never stop blocking the street. Okay, so I think Lee Blanding gets detention. And for Jason O'Neil, maybe you could pants him during an assembly. Yes, good. I like that. Oh, hi, you two. What are you working on? Oh, nothing. I, um I'm just helping Dad with his schedule for tomorrow. You know, he's really doing a great job. He's actually made the school a lot better. Huh. Well, I got to admit I was skeptical, but it sounds like things are going pretty well down there. You bet they are. They'll go even better after The Purge. The what? Hey, Meg, how about one of these? (GRUNTING) One of them things, yeah? Peter, what the hell are you doing? Uh, he's just saying he wants to use his key to drive me to school tomorrow in his car. Peter, what exactly are you doing down at that school? I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm doing a great job, like when I was a pro football kicker. (CROWD CHEERING) Yay! Now I can fist bump with black guys. Nailed it, Peter! There you go! Yeah! We going to the club tonight? - Not you! - Okay! Hey, Brian, what's a "splat job"? I-I don't, I don't know, Stewie. I'm worried that you're seeing too much. Good morning, ladies. Were the paramedics able to resuscitate Lamar Odom? They're still working on it. (WHEELS SQUEAKING) He's tall, get it? Okay, show's over. Everybody back to work. Yeah, about that. We got to talk. Oh, uh, sure. What's up? We just realized we can keep all the money, take your house, and kill you if you try to do anything about it. All right, we're just gonna step outside and figure out a counter. (LOCK LATCHING) And they locked us out. What about my loaf of cinnamon raisin bread?! It's mine! It's not for the whole house! (SIGHS) Let's just go. They won. Oh, we'll see about that. Hello, I'd like to report a brothel operating on Route 6, near Round Hill Road. Thank you. You want to eat mangled raisin bread across the street and watch the cops raid the place? Yeah, I'd like that. (SIRENS WAILING) (CLATTERING) (WOMEN SCREAMING, GUNSHOTS) Oh, here comes the UPS guy. Oh, I bet he's delivering those marmalade jars we ordered. Doesn't that feel like a million years ago? Yeah, we don't need those anymore. Sorry, just send them back. You can just do that? Oh, yeah, you can just refuse delivery. You've never done that? I-I genuinely did not know you could do that. Well, you can. Anything you order. If you don't sign for it, it has to go back. Everyone does it. Most of what America is now is just boxes going back and forth. (ROPE WHOOSHING SHARPLY) Students, this is a chair without a seat. Jeff Banfield, I'd like you to please come down here, take your pants off and sit. Me? What did I do? You know what you did, Jeff! I don't even know what's going on! Just go, Jeff, or he'll start hitting that trash can with a spoon again. That means now, Mr. Banfield! What is going on here? Just a little of the three "R" s Reading, writing and wrecking this guy's sack. The school board received a very serious complaint. Mr. Griffin, you are hereby relieved of your duties. (GASPS): A promotion? No, you're fired. We've reinstated Principal Shepherd. Wait, he's back? But he had that crazy meltdown about his divorce. Yes, but then I went on a sex trip to Thailand, and I banged all the goofy right out of me. Wait. Dad's fired? Who did this? Who turned him in? I did. PATTY: Hi, Mrs. Griffin! Hi. Hi, Patty. Why, Mom? Because what you and your father have been doing is wrong. We'll talk about this at home. Well, I guess your mom was right all along. I had no business running a school. Can I be honest with you, Dad? I thought you were awesome. You stood up for all the kids who get picked on. You stood up for me. Wow, so so you think I did a good job being principal? No, you did a good job being my dad. Come on, Meg, let's go home. And next time I want to get back at your bullies, I'll do it the old-fashioned way As a grown man beating up teenagers in a parking lot. I'm planning on dying tonight. What are your plans? (THUNDER CRASHES)