The Adventures of Mark Twain

It all started one day... ...after Tom heard about Becky Thatcher... ...going down to see Saint Louis with the judge. It just worked on him thinking about her down there having fun. Time is slipping away, and l'm getting older and older, Huck. There's no wars breaking out, no continents to explore. No way a man can make a name for hisself. And now Becky exploring. What an outrage. l heard tell the Saint Louis papers been talking about... ...some kind of balloon up there. Suppose Becky will see it. But probably not. -That's it. -What? All the continents and stuff been discovered by Christopher Columbus. But for certain sure, nobody has charted the skies. What the sam hill are you carrying on about? The balloon in the papers near Saint Louis. What about it? You couldn't see an adventure hanging from the end of your nose. Full steam ahead. Get your paper right here. Halley's comet coming. Extra. Extra. The countryside was humming because of the balloon... ...and folks said there was a comet heading our way. Penny a paper. Penny a paper. --like even these ones. He might let me at least... ...you know, get on and walk around.... -lt's taken me a long time. -Doomed! But once lost, l could not find it with a dog. -Great guns. -Amazing. Surely, Mr. Twain, you aren't fool enough... ...to actually travel in that fantastic contraption. The man with a new idea is a fool... ...until the idea succeeds. Why, Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn, whatever are you doing here? -Nothing. -Why, Becky Thatcher... ...land sakes, what a coincidence... ...you being here the same time as Huck and me. lsn't he grand? l got up close so l could see, and he stopped. He let me shake his hand. -You shook his--? -Well, that's nothing. He's invited us to be the first inspectors of his balloon. -He has? -ls that just more of your hot air? Come, step lively, Huck. We'd best be getting aboard. So long, Becky. Tom.... Where you really going in that thing, Mr. Twain? Going traveling? Travel has no longer any charm for me. l've seen all the foreign countries l care to see... ...except for heaven and hell... ...and l have only a vague curiosity as concerns one of those. No, friends, l go to meet the comet. He's not really gonna do that. -Yes indeed, l surely plan to. -But that's dangerous. Come on, Huck. Come on, hurry up. You're nothing but a liar and a stowaway, Tom Sawyer. You too, Huck Finn. You mustn't. l came in with Halley's comet in 1 835... ...when l was born. And l expect to go out with it. Oh, l'm looking forward to that. -Welcome to the hurricane deck. -lt stopped. -Whoopee, let's go. -What in tarnation is this thing? Be careful, Tom. -Tom, where are you? -Great Scott, what a contraption. -Huck. -Look at that, Tom. l thought l saw someone. Gee willikers. Look at this. Huck. -Whoopee. -Oh, no. -We're on our way. -Oh, no! Great Scott, we gotta get off. Off? What's the matter with you? Now, l'll be celebrated. Tom Sawyer, the aeronort. -That'll show that Becky Thatcher. -Show her what? Caught you out, didn't l, Tom Sawyer? You are stowaways. -Becky, you're no balloon inspector. -Neither are you. Are you ever gonna catch it when your Aunt Polly gets ahold of-- -Welcome to the hurricane deck. -Boys. Tom. Huck. -Mark Twain. -And Becky Thatcher. -How did he know our names? -Hello, my angelfish. More every day you remind me of my wife, Livy, God rest her. Same combination of innocence and sand. Same carefree laugh of a girl. What happened to Livy, Mr. Twain? To the helm. We've work to do. Mr. Twain, there's been some kind of an accident. l think a miscalculation. -Not by a considerable sight. -But we're taking off. What a view. -How are we gonna get down? -You keep a tight tongue, Huck. -This is bully up here, Mr. Twain. -This is glorious. -Did we ever strike it lucky. -Yeah. -How high are we? -How are we gonna get back down? -Down is not our destination, my boy. -Oh, no. You mean we're--? -Where are we going? -To Halley's comet. Halley's comet? -We'd get-- -Burned to a crisp. lt will be the greatest disappointment of my life... ...if l don't meet up with that comet. -Have a look back here. -The man's plumb crazy. -l wanna show you something. -Well, l'm not. You stick with me. See here. Now, we cross the Atlantic... ...catch this trade wind... ...to where the comet's parabola comes close to the Earth. Or close enough. How come a writer knows so much about piloting and navigating? Because long before l was a writer, l was a Mississippi riverboat pilot. Say, that's an uncommon fine frog. Well, that's Homer. You know, it was a frog like Homer that put me in the writing business. l wrote a story about The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County. That's right here. Home of Jim Smiley and his famous frog, Dan'l Webster. Famous frog? Will you tell me what in tarnation a frog could do to get hisself famous? Oh, Tom. l've been trying everything l know, and l ain't even a little bit famous yet. Well, l'll tell you all about him. Just as it was told to me. What a fellow, that Jim Smiley. Always betting on anything that turned up. Only thing is, he made sure he won every bet. He catched a frog one day and took him home... ...and said he'd calculate to educate him. All a frog wants is educating... ...and he can do most anything. And so he never done nothing for three months... ...but sat in his back yard and learned that frog to jump. And you bet he did learn him too. All right, Dan'l, let's just see how far you can go. Come on back now. One for accuracy. Smiley knew a sucker when he saw one. What might that be you got in the barrel? Well, it might be a parrot. Might be a canary, maybe. But it ain't. lt's only just a frog. So it is. What's he good for? Well, he's good enough for one thing l should judge. He can out-jump any frog in Calaveras County. Well, l don't see no points about that frog... ...that's any better than any other frog. Maybe you just don't understand frogs. Anyway, l got my opinion... ...and l'll just rest 40 dollars... ...that he can out-jump any frog in Calaveras County. Well, l'm only a stranger here. l ain't got no frog. But if l had a frog, l'd bet you. That's all right. l'll go get you a frog. You hungry, frog? Smiley went to the swamp... ...and slopped around in the mud for a long time. Finally, he fetched a frog... ...and fetched him in to give him to this fellow. Eurekee! -Here he comes. -There's your frog. The likes of that.... Putting my money on Smiley's frog. -Me too. -Count me in. Now then, if you're ready, set him alongside of Dan'l... ...with his forepaws even with Dan'l's... ...and l'll give the word. On your marks, get set... ...get! Come on, jump. Get in there, boy, would you? What's the matter with you? Will you start jumping? l said, get. Get off that starting line. Get going. -Get off of that-- -Jump there. Come on now. -Oh, no. -Will you just jump? Jump. Jump, frog. Get going. -We won, frog. -What do you mean, you won? Dag blame it, Smiley. That was the last 40 dollars l had. Well, as l said before... ...l don't see no points about that frog that's any better than any other frog. l do wonder... ...why in tarnation that there frog just give up. Wonder if there ain't something the matter with him. Appears to look mighty baggy somehow. Why, blame my cats... ...if he don't weigh 50 pounds! l've been hornswoggled! He was the maddest man. He took out after that fella, but he never catched him. Shucks, l could write a better story than that one. Tom! That's what l said myself when l heard it. lt was a big success all the same. l became a writer. l haven't worked a day since. -Now, that's a job l'd like to get. -lf you get out of here alive. There she is. How come you wanna catch that comet so bad, Mr. Twain? The comet and l are a part of the plan, angelfish. No doubt the Almighty has said here: ''Here goes those two unaccountable freaks. They came in together, they must go out together.'' Here, set your eyes on this celestial schooner. Now ain't that a heartwarming spectacle. lt's beauti-- Well, Tom and Huck and l, well, see, we're not so sure-- That l know what l'm doing up here? Angelfish, it's just like piloting a river. You get to know the shape of it. Like following a hall at home in the dark. And even if you feel some fear, you know no harm can come to you... ...because you've traveled that hallway a hundred times... ...in nothing but bare feet and faith. What are we gonna do? You know your ownself... ...we gotta find a way off of this here balloon, Tom Sawyer. Adventure or no. Okay now, Homer, over here. Now over there. Well? l got a plan just starting to brew. Well, what is it? First, we gotta get Becky off. She talks too much. Can't keep a secret. So me and Huck was thinking... ...we should set her down and let Becky off. Things are liable to get pretty rough. There is nothing comparable to the endurance of a woman. But this is different, Mr. Twain. We're aeronorts, and girls don't belong-- That's aeronauts. She would have to horn in on this expedition. -To the main deck. -There's that thing again. Come on, let's go investigating. -Tom, where you going? -This thing's really amazing. Gives me the creeps. Table of Contents. Welcome to the works of Mark Twain. This is the Indexovator. Choose your story and proceed to the correct door. Let's have a look around. Okay, now, l gotta know about this secret plan if we're gonna be partners. Okay. We're gonna watch and learn... ...just the most we can about flying this here balloon-- -Welcome to lnjun Joe. -Look! That was close. l don't ever wanna meet that guy again. He was scary. Well, what then? What you said. After we learn the most we can about this here balloon...? Welcome to the library-billiard room. Have you ever seen a place like this, Huck? Tom, where you going? Listen here, Tom. l want-- -Look at all this. What a contraption. -Tom, l gotta know about the plan. Guess those must be the classics everybody's always talking about. What's a classic? Something everybody wants to have read... ...but nobody wants to read. -Library-billiard room. -Oh, here you are. -Doggone it. -What you guys doing? -Oh, what does this thing do? -Go ahead, give it a try. That's my monument to Adam and Eve. There she goes again. Thanks. -They're naked. -So are we all the day we're born. But we learn to be modest. Not all over. Just in places. But it 's just as well, l suppose. Naked people have little or no influence in society. The way l heard it, that Eve caused nothing but trouble. Well, l heard that each found the other a considerable nuisance... ...in the beginning. Perhaps you would be interested in my research. -Yes, sir, l surely would. -And so would l. Well, have a look here. The Diary of Adam and Eve. lt all started with the world's first birthday party. Oh, this is nice. What am I doing? There, okay. This is good. This is cute. Oh, what a surprise. He's gonna love this place. Adam. This is for you. -Adam. -Oh, yeah. Adam. Adam. -What? -It's for you. -Hello? -Oh, no. Here we go. This was truly paradise. And Adam figured to keep track of it all. But as it turned out... ...someone else was keeping track of paradise as well. Saturday. I think it is a man. I had never seen one, but it looked like one. I feel more curiosity about it than about any of the other reptiles. It has frowzy hair, no hips, and tapers like a carrot... ...so I think it is a reptile... ...though it may be architecture. I was afraid of it at first, for I thought it was going to chase me. But it was only trying to get away. I waited a good while, then gave it up and went home. Sunday. Today, the same thing. I've got it up a tree again. It is resting, I suppose. It looks to me like the creature is more interested in resting... ...than anything else. Oh, no. It was trying to catch the speckled fishes that play in the pool... ...and I had to clod it... ...to try to make it go up the tree again and let them alone. This new creature is a good deal in the way. I wish it would hang out with the other animals and leave me alone. The new creature eats too much fruit. This morning found it trying to shake apples out of that forbidden tree. Wanting to make friends... ...I tried to get him some of those apples. I failed... ...but I think the good intention pleased him. Where's my--? Ladder. During the last day or two... ...I have taken the work of naming things off his hands. He is evidently very grateful. The new creature says, ''It looks like grass. '' That is not a reason. It is imbecility and high-handed, it seems to me. Everything's named before I can lodge a protest. I get no chance to name anything myself. He has no gift at that line. I do not let him see that I'm aware of his defect. The naming goes recklessly on in spite of anything I can do. My life is not as happy as it was. Sunday. The new creature says its name is ''Eve. '' Well, that's all right. I have no objections. Says it's to call it Eve when I want it to come. In that case, I said it was.... Superfluous. This morning, he used a surprisingly good word. Yes, it is a large, good word and will bear repetition. Superfluous. Superfluous. Where did he get that word? I don't think I've ever used it. Superfluous. Yes, yes, l like that one. Friday. Adam! Oh, no, no, don't! She took to beseeching him to stop going over the falls... ...but they had no other use that he could see. I went over the falls in a barrel. Not satisfactory to her. Went over in a tub. Still not satisfactory. Adam, please! What l need is a change of scene. I escaped last night. But she hunted me out. We'll immigrate again... ...when the occasion offers. Sunday. Why, l-- For Adam, Sunday was getting to be more and more trying. It was selected and set apart... ...as the day of rest. I go to the water when I need someone to talk to. It is a good friend to me... ...and my only one. It talks when I talk. It is sad when I am sad. And it comforts me with sympathy. She nearly strangled and said it was most uncomfortable. This made her sorry for the creatures that live there, which she calls... -... ''fosh. '' -Fish. I don't see that they are any happier than they were before. Only quieter. He is avoiding me... ...and seems to wish I would not talk to him. So I made friends with the animals. She thinks that things aren't right. The buzzard, for instance. She thinks it was intended to live on decayed flesh. But we cannot overturn the whole scheme to accommodate the buzzard. They both should fall... ...or they both should fly. I don't know which. One of these is a fake. Congratulations, my dear. You have discovered the law of gravity. Why so l have. l always say it's best to prove things by actual experiment... ...or you'll never get educated. Don't you agree? Oh, l do indeed. Knowledge is not easily come by. But there is a fine adult-education course nearby... ...if you're interested in that sort of thing. Really? She has taken up with a snake, and I'm glad... ...because the snake talks, and this enables me to get some rest. But he advised her to keep away from that tree. He told her it would bring death into the world. But that's wonderful, Adam. You'll have fresh meat for the buzzards... ...and the lions and tigers can quit eating that ridiculous grass. Have you ever looked at their teeth, Adam? They aren't herbivores. -l foresee trouble. -lf they were meant to eat grass... -We'll immigrate. -...they'd have had cuds. He escaped, and rode all night as fast as he could go... ...hoping to get clear of the garden and hide in some other country... ...before the trouble over that apple should begin. l've got it. Come on. That does it. Too bad. -Hellfire, hurricanes. -Holy cow, what was that? Bully, a lightning storm. All hands on deck. Quickly now. -lt's a blind night out. -What a storm. -Homer. Homer, come back. -All hands, lay to. -Look out. -We're gonna crash. Like hell we are. Get to your battle stations, you landlubbers. -Huck, fasten that boom. -Great Scott. Becky, lower the pressure valve. Gotta find the mark. Tom! Fetch the sounding gun. Sound out. -Hey, look. -Sound out. l'm seeing things, Homer. The trigger. Pull the trigger! Mark 1 5. l think. Fifteen? Can't be. Huck, look! What? -l thought l saw someone. -Me too. We've hit a bar. We're coming about. Pull in the stabilizer. -Frog overboard. -What should l do, Mr. Twain? -Becky, take the wheel. -Okay. -Steady as you go. -Okay. -What's happening down there? -Hang on there, little fella. -l can't see. What's happening? -Oh, no. Homer! l can't look. Hang on, Homer. Hang on. -He's got him. -He got him! Homer. -Who's the leadsman? -l am, sir. Devil reef ahead. Becky, hard astarboard. Spin her. Spin her. Spin her! -We're heading for the rocks. -Helm alee. Port your helm. -No, not that way. -To the starboard. Turn, Becky. -Mr. Twain? -Starboard! The other way. The other way! What? Oh, no. -Oh, no. -Back her, quick. By God, back the immortal soul out of her. The rocks! The rocks! Oh, no! Ahead one half! Mr. Twain! Now we need altitude. Up ship. We'll drop ballast. Now! Ahead full. Here, l'll take her now. We've lost valuable time. As deck hands, you've got a lot to learn. Of course, training is everything. l mean, a cauliflower is just a cabbage with a college education. l'll show you the ropes later on. You go down and get warm. Let's go. You cabbages. Welcome to the hurricane deck. l don't think we're ever gonna get back home. Oh, yes, we are. Tom has got a plan. Don't you, Tom? What? -What in the...? -Tom! Aunt Polly? Welcome to The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. Well, I lay, if I get a.... -You, Tom, now you get going. -But, Aunt Polly, I'm an aeronort. -I'm on a balloon with Huck. -Aunt Polly? -What's going on? -Where'd he go? We're home. Oh, Huck, open the door. Hurry up. Tom! That was close. She was gonna make me whitewash that old fence again. Tom Sawyer, you chowderhead. Open that door. lf you want off so bad.... -Oh, no. -Where did it go? Close enough to home to bark our shins, and now it's gone. Look, somebody's coming. Oh, Mr. Twain. What's the matter? Welcome to The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. Am l already famous? Don't you care about nothing else, you lummox? Fame is a vapor. The only earthly certainty is oblivion. Welcome to The Mysterious Stranger. What? Hello. Who are you? An angel. -What's your name? -Satan. -What's the matter? -Nothing. Only it's sure a sorry name for an angel. -Please, come in. -A magician. Come on. Amazing. lt's like an island. -Did you see that? -Mercy's sake. How did you learn to do that? l didn't learn it at all. lt comes naturally to me... ...like other curious things. -Are you hungry? -Sure am. What kind of fruit do you like the most? -Oranges. -Apples. Grapes. -Where'd he go? -What happened to him? There. -Oh, boy. -Can we help? You may make some people. l'll make the king and queen. l'm a make a soldier. Look at that little village. There. Here's a buddy. Now we'll give them life. They're moving. Looks like my pap on Saturday night. Look. They're moving. They're just like regular people. l find you humans quite interesting. Even though you are a worthless, greedy lot. How annoying that sound is. Fools. What fascinations there are on this planet. Strange mortals with curious customs. We'll have a storm now... ...and an earthquake, if you like. You must stand aside, out of danger. l can do no wrong... ...for l do not know what it is. You murdered them. Never mind them. People are of no value. We could make more sometime... ...if we need them. Life itself is only a vision... ...a dream. Nothing exists save empty space and you. And you are but a thought. l wanna go home. -Welcome to lnjun Joe. -Reckon l'm getting out of here. No, Huck. Not that way, Huck. -Mr. Twain, close the door! -Mr. Twain, close the door! Remember your old friend, lnjun Joe? Mr. Twain, why did you do this? l realized that from the cradle up... ...l have been like the rest of the race... ...never quite sane at night. But, Mr. Twain.... Welcome To The Damned Human Race. That does it. We're only waiting for the right moment now. -Right moment for what? -Yeah. Becky, do you swear not to tell? -Sure. -On your grandmother's bones? -Well, do you? -Yeah. We're gonna hijack this balloon. -What? -Hijack? Can't you see it? ''Tom Sawyer, Aeronort... ...Saves Airborne Friends from Madman's Death Wish.'' When, Tom? Tomorrow. Okay, so you line that up with the sun. -Right? -Yeah. Mr. Twain? What's this? Now you be careful there. That's the central power panel. London. Right on schedule. Good thing too. That comet won't be around again until l'm 1 50. By that time, l may have changed my mind. All right, scouts, what did you uncover? Well, the steering looks pretty easy. l found the power thrusters, but l don't know-- Well, l've found a way to stop this ship cold. -What's that? -Welcome to Mark Twain's Notebook. l reckon it's Mr. Twain. I am the only man living who understands human nature. God has put me in charge of this branch office... ...and when I retire, there will be no one to take my place. l shall keep on doing my duty... ...for when l get over on the other side... ...l wanna use my influence to have the human race drowned again. This time drowned good. No omissions. No ark. Sometimes the old man seems powerful unhappy. l think he's lonely. l think he's asleep. Thunderation, we struck it lucky. -This is our chance. -What? We're gonna sashay on over there... ...hog-tie Mr. Twain, and hijack this here ship. -l don't think-- -Don't be a couple of sissies... ...in the face of a real adventure. Tom, is this necessary? There. That ought to hold him. Hey, don't set those keys there. The key always has to be just out of the prisoner's reach... ...so he can plan his escape. Confound it, that's foolish, Tom. To the helm, aeronorts. -That's aeronauts. -Come on. Welcome to the hurricane deck. -Look. -We had you all tied up. No, no, no. That was just a little writer's block. l never saw such a escape artist. You look about as disappointed as Presbyterians in hell. We'll never get home. They're thinking we're gonna die when we meet up with that comet. Suppose we do die... ...is there truly a heaven or a hell? Oh, l don't know. l don't want to express an opinion. You see, l'd have friends in both places. Now, consider Old Captain Stormfield. Come on over here, Tom. l've got something to show you. Look at that. -Stormfield, is that you? -Why, ahoy there, Mark Twain. Where might you be going? I might-- No, I most assuredly am going to heaven. An optimist. Racing his own comet too. Stormfield is a man with faith. Means he's willing to believe in what he knows ain't so. What was that? Oh, my. Well, quick, where are you from? San Francisco. -ls it a planet? -Planet? Why, it's a city. And moreover, it's one of the biggest and the finest. Well, that's delightful, but we don't deal in cities here. Where are you from in a more general way? l beg your pardon? Put me down for California. ls it a constellation? Oh, my goodness, no. lt's a state. l'm from America, the United States of America. -There ain't any such orb. -Orb? What are you talking about, young fella? lt ain't an orb. lt's a country. -Why, America is one of the finest-- -Silence! Now, once and for all, where are you from? -Just say l'm from the world. -What world? -Why, the world, of course. -The world? Well, there's billions of them. Next. The one that has a sun and the moon and Mars, Neptune, and Jupiter-- Hold on. -Jupiter? -Jupiter. Jupiter. Seems to me we had a man from there eight or 900 years ago. Did you come straight here from your system? Yes, sir. That is not true. And this is no place for a fib. You wandered from your course. How did that happen? l'm sorry. l take back what l said. l confess. l raced a little with a comet one day-- Only just the least little bit. Only the tiniest little bit. So that divergence has caused all this trouble. Well, it's landed you at a gate that's billions of leagues from the right one. Oh, go on in. You'll be safe forever, and you won't have any more trouble. Next. l'm off. Well, quick, where are you from? Well, l beg your pardon, mister... ...but ain't you forgot something? Forgot something? -Not that l know of. -Why, my harp. And my wreath and my halo and my hymnbook and my palm branch. l never heard of these things before. Oh, trust me. You won't be conspicuous in this district without it. Well, good day. Turns me on. Do it again to me, just like that. Yes! Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me. Oh, yeah. Hey there. -Yes, man. -Yes, man. -Dare we do any more? -Yeah! Yes, yes, yes. Well.... Well, look who's here. You know, l begin to see... ...that a man has got to be in his own heaven to be happy. Oh, perfectly correct. Did you imagine that the same heaven would suit all sorts of people? -Go that way. -A million leagues or so. Well, thank you, sir. -So long. -Au revoir. lt's been swell. lt's been grand. Harp, hymnbook, pair of wings. -Halo, size 1 3. -Size 1 3. -For Captain Eli Stormfield of-- -San Francisco, you betcha. Make him out a clean bill of health and let him in. Show me a cloud. l'm all right now. l think-- Oh, sorry, l forgot. Supposed to be quiet. A harp, a hymnbook and wings? Good God, what a swindle. l'm led to consider a different path. Heaven for climate, hell for company. Either way, you gotta die to get there. Land sakes. Set her back! -What's that? -Ah, the Sphinx. Nothing to be afraid of. lt's only the Phanx. That's Sphinx. Now, with the right wind, we should go aloft right here. The comet is still some time off. Best we should impose on this great beast... ...to secure our anchor. We're cooked. That's the end. We're goners. There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist... ...except an old optimist. Let's see.... -We'll have to wait to ascend... -Come on. ...until exactly 6:00. So when the alarm goes off, the knife cuts the rope... ...and the ax smashes the-- -What? -Thought l heard him coming. No, it's only Homer. l think that ought to do it. Why don't we just take the ax and smash it now? What's the good of a plan that's no more trouble than that? Timing's everything. You heard Mr. Twain. Six o'clock. Come on. My good old ancestor, Adam. How deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam and Eve. They brought death into the world. The diary. -Oh, yeah. -Yeah. We never finished Adam and Eve's story. Oh, that's right. -l guess we have time. -Sure, we've got plenty of time. Now, let's see, where were we? Oh, yeah. Eve had just eaten the apple... ...and rearranged the world a little. After the disaster, Adam found a place outside the garden... ...and was fairly comfortable for a while. I was not sorry she came. There are but meager pickings here... ...and she brought some of those apples. It was against my principles... ...but I find that principles have no real force... ...except when one is well-fed. I find she's at least a companion. I would be lonely and depressed without her... ...now that we've lost our property. Tuesday. She says it is ordered that we will work for a living hereafter. She will be useful. I will superintend. -What is it? -Fire. -How do you know? -lt looks like fire. It annoyed him that I should know, and he must ask. -How did it come? -l made it. -What are these? -Coals. He picked one up, but changed his mind and put it down again. Then he went away. Nothing interests him. I was mistaken about her in the beginning. Perhaps it is better to live outside the garden with her... ...than inside without her. Would you like to see my etchings? Eve calls it ''Cain. '' I believe she caught it in the timber. It's a new and different kind of animal. A fish, perhaps. Sometimes she carries it in her arms half the night... ...when it complains and wants to get to the water. I have never seen her do this with any other fish... ...and it troubles me greatly. I have come to like Sundays. Superintending all the week tires the body so. I have not seen a fish that could laugh. This makes me doubt. I do not love Adam on account of his brightness... ...though I think in time it will develop. He is self-educated... ...and really knows a multitude of things. But none of them are true. lt isn't a fish. Now, in my judgment, it is either an enigma or some kind of bug. l never had a thing perplex me so. Perhaps l could take it apart and see what its arrangements are. It is not a kangaroo. It is probably some kind of bear. Mama. Papa. This resemblance to words is extraordinary... ...and is a thing which no other bear can do. This one will be less dangerous when it has company of its own species. I will make an exhaustive search. Why do I love him? I guess just because he is a man... ...and because he is mine. It has been a weary hunt... ...yet I have had no success. But without so much as stirring from home... ...she has caught another one. -Hi, Daddy. -l never saw such luck. -They were children. -Good. Adam and Eve discovered it in time. It was their coming in that small shape that puzzled them. Abel is a good boy... ...but if Cain had stayed a bear, it would have improved him. -What's going on? -Here we go. It is my deepest hope that we may pass from this life together, but if-- But if one of us must go first, let it be me. For he is strong, and I am weak and am not-- And am not so necessary to her as she is to me. Life without him would not be life. How could I endure it? Wind in the east. l think we shall have rain. -What is it? -Well, it's a... -...valentine. -Valentine? Where did you get that word? Well, it-- lt looks like a valentine. lt's a good word and bears repeating. The garden is lost... ...but I have found him and am content. Wherever she was... ...there was Eden. l'm tired and old. l wish l were with my Livy. That's really why you want to meet the comet, isn't it? And l am looking forward to that. But, Mr. Twain, we're too young to die. Die? Fiddlesticks. You're not gonna die. But how are we gonna get home? Soon as l get to that comet, this vessel's all yours. -This ship? -You mean it? -Oh, bully! -Oh, no. Tom, the power. Oh, no. Oh, no. What in tarnation? The power. Dag blame it, what's going on? -We smashed the power panel. -What? -We didn't know. -We're trapped in here. lf we can't get to the emergency power switch... -...the air bag will blow us all to hell. -Oh, no. -Tom Sawyer, l ought to knock your-- -The porthole. Come on. Tom, let me try. lt's too small. -There must be a way. -Wouldn't bet on it. Homer. He can do it. Homer? Huck, this is serious. l been educating him. He can do most anything. lt's a chance in a million. -At least give him a try. -What else we got? All right. Huck, the emergency power button... ...is just inside the back rail near the helm... ...one foot forward of the stabilizer control wheel. What's the distance between my hand and the stabilizer control wheel? About 1 4 feet. Fourteen and a half feet. Homer, 1 4 and a half big ones as the crow flies, inside the fence... ...hold the backflips until you see the driver, slide one big one due east. -What the--? -lt's the pressure. -Oh, no. -Well, here goes. All right, Homer. One for accuracy. Drat. He missed. -l knew he couldn't. -What are we gonna do? -Homer. Homer! -Homer! Homer! Come on, you old toad. Hit the button. Homer. Homer. Will you listen to me, Homer? -By jinks, he did it! -Homer. -Now, look lively, you swags. -All right! Let's go. -Explorers, name your names. -Huck Finn the Red-Handed. -Becky Thatcher, Terror of the Skies. -And Tom Sawyer, Aeronort. To your battle stations. Come on. Homer, you're a hero. Let's go. There it goes. -Damn, we missed it. -Let's catch it. Aye, aye. Hard astarboard. Okay, here we go. We need altitude. Jettison the superfluous. Toss the typesetter. Worst damn investment l ever made. Shove the formal wear. l have all l need. Hold on there. Keep that manuscript. lt won't be published for years. We are fast rising from affluence to poverty. lt's way ahead of us. -Ahead full. -Right. -Commission the auxiliary thrusters. -Aye, aye, sir. -All right, pour on the coal. -Yes, sir. All hands lay to. Raise the stabilizers! Put some steam into them. Stabilizers activated, sir. -Tom? -Yes, sir. Lower the pressure valve. -Okay, we're catching it. -Here, let me help, Tom. Meteors. Watch out ahead, sir. Don't be afraid. Providence protects children and idiots. l know it's true. l've tested it. -Tom! -l got it. We're gaining on her. -We're hit. -Fire up the handy retriever. We got one. Got another one. -They're thinning out. -This is critical. We're entering the channel. Huck, pull back the thrusters one half. -Aye, aye, captain. -We must be very careful. Getting shallow and murky. -Can't see. -Larboard lead there. -To the sounding guns. -Yes, sir. Sound out. Mark three. -Mark three. -Ahead one third. Yes, captain. Half twain. -Starboard half twain. -That's too close. -Mr. Twain! -Good God. Hang on. Back two-thirds. -Aye, aye, sir. -Tom, sound out. -Less twain. -Port less twain. Now stand by, Huck. -Mark twain. -Mark twain. Mark twain. Now let her have it. Every ounce you've got. Dad-blame. -Hang on. -Okay. By jinks, we've done it! -We made it. -Doggone it. That was bully. Great guns, that was well done. Cabbages to cauliflowers. Yeah, okay, calm down, Homer. Come on out and show yourself. There you go, scaring everybody again. -Great Scott, look! -And you haunted me long enough. Let's get this over with. -Two Mark Twains? -What's going on? -How can there be two of you? -This is craziness. Everyone is a moon and has a dark side. . . ...which he never shows to anybody if he can help it. l've seen you before. You've been on this ship the whole time, haven't you? Why don't we tie that other one up to keep him from going with you? -Yeah. -He's such a rapscallion. He must come with me, Tom. l'm not whole without him. What about us? You shall ably sail the Mark Twain around the world... ...for a long time. You are a capable crew... ...and this ship, a large enough body of work... ...that you may live forever. Or long enough. My books are water. Those of the great geniuses are wine. Everybody drinks water. Let me see. There are a number of things l need to tell you before l go. Always obey your parents. When they are present. Be respectful of your superiors. lf you have any. Rise early, for it is the early bird that catches the worm. l once knew a man who tried it, got up at sunrise. Horse bit him. -lt's time. -l'm still considering whether to go. l have never seen an atom of truth... . . .that there is a future life. Yet l am strongly inclined to expect one. Anyway, don't be such a sissy in the face of a real adventure. Well.... And l'm not as big a fool as Stormfield. lf l can't swear, l won't stay. Look. Mr. Twain, where's the comet going now? To Eden, angelfish. Back to Eden. l found this in Adam and Eve's diary. You can have it. Yeah, well, l found these. The human race, in all its poverty, has only one truly effective weapon: Laughter. Against the assault of laughter... ...nothing can stand. -Hang on. -Grab a rail. Okay now, level her out. Well, this is one adventure Mr. Twain wouldn't get around to writing. Steady as you go. So I figured to get it all down before I forgot a single thing. Let me help you write it, okay? -After all, I am pretty much the hero. -Well, I.... When it's done, we'll get it to a publisher, just like Mr. Twain. -Okay, you start it. -You're asking for it, Huck. Okay, ready? The Adventures of Mark Twain... ...by the great, famous, world-renowned... ...celebrated author and aeronaut... ... Tom Sawyer.