Sausage Fest

(The CEO of Burger King is preparing himself for bed after a long day.)

CEO: Ah! What a day! It's exhausting being the CEO of Burger King.

(The phone rings.)

CEO: Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Damn it.

(He hangs up.)

(The phone rings again.)

CEO: Hello? Who is this? I'm the CEO of Burger King, you know! Gah!

(A shadow scurries past. The CEO hangs up again in disgust.)

(The floor creaks.)

CEO: What was that? Who's there?

(He walks out, but sees no one.)

CEO: Heh...Must've just been my ima...

(He turns around and comes face-to-face with the mascot, the King.)

CEO: (Screams) I'm Flame-Boiling in my pants!

(He tries to run away, but falls screaming down the stairs, hurting his arm at the bottom. The King follows him all the while.)

CEO: Ow! My arm!

(The King heads downstairs.)

CEO: Die, you son-of-a-bitch!

(He grabs a shotgun and shoots the King, who falls down the stairs. The mask comes off, revealing who is beneath it.)

CEO (realizing what he's done): What? No! I've killed my only son! Oh, if only Philip had lived to taste the new Triple-Bacon King Burger now on sale at participating locations! (sobs)

(The "Triple-Bacon King Burger" meal spins around against a white background.)

Announcer: The new Triple-Bacon King Burger. Spend your nights with the King.

CEO: (sobs) Philip! (sobs)

Bailiff: Cat Court is now in session.

(Judge bangs gavel.)

Judge: We will now hear the case of Garfield VS Heathcliff.

(Heathcliff enters the courtroom followed by Garfield carrying a suitcase. Both cats names are typed under them with the labels Plaintiff and Defendant.)

Heathcliff: I was in the funny papers five years before this lame knockoff!

Garfield: Judge, if I might, I'd like to present this affadavit.

(Opens suitcase to reveal a piece of lasagna.)

Garfield: Oop, sorry Your Honor. I'm on a lasagna diet. I see lasagna, I eat it.

(Court appears unfazed by the joke.)

Heathcliff: Aww. That joke sucks, even for you!

(Judge bangs gavel.)

Judge: Court agrees. That.. that joke sucked. Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are at a stand-still. There is only one fair way to settle this arguement: CAT FIGHT!

(Garfield and Heathcliff appear in a gladiatorial arena with the cats from the court as spectators.)

Heathcliff : You want a piece of me? C'mon, fatboy!

Garfield: Come and get it, cat.

(Heathcliff then hisses loudly while jumping in the air and landing on top of Garfield opening out his eyelids.)

Heathcliff: Open your eyes all the way you lazy fuck!

(Garfield unsheaths his claws and grabs Heathcliff off his back and throws him to the ground.)

Garfield: I'm gonna start calling you Monday, (Begins to claw Heathcliff's face.) Cause I hate Mondays!

(Spectators begin to throw down things to the two cats to use. Heathcliff grabs a dead fish skeleton and trash can lid as a shield and sword while Garfield grabs... a plate of lasagna.)

Garfield: Oh, cruel irony.

(Heathcliff then smacks Garfield's face with the lid causing him to be a little dazed. Garfield then throws the lasagna at Heathcliff and grabs Nermal from the stands and uses him as a living shield as Heathcliff claws at him.)

Nermal: Ow! I'm dying! Aw! I'm so cute, and I'm dying!.

(Heathcliff then smacks him out of Garfield's hand and out a window with a soft quiet scream.)

(Scene then changes to Garfield shoving Heathcliff's head into a litter box.)

Garfield: Eat it! Eat it! Die! Die!

(Court continues cheering until Judge bangs gavel ending the fight.)

Judge: Enough! We have a champion. The court rules in favor of Garfield.

(Garfield celebrates his victory as Heathcliff spits out some cat litter and seemingly faints with his head in the litter box. Garfield then begins to have a heart attack clenching his chest.)

Garfield: Heart attack from decades of only eating...

(Bailiff then shoots Garfield dead with his gun before he can finish his sentence.)

Bailiff: Uh.. I'm sorry. I just couldn't take another freaking lasagna joke.

(Scene then changes to John and Odie standing over Garfield's dead body.)

John: Oh, gods be praised! I'm free.. FREE!

(Scene then changes to Chester Cheetah standing in the plantiff stand with Timer standing opposite of him, despite what the announcer says.)

Announcer: Up next, Cat Court hears the assult case against Chester Cheetah.

Timer: He hankered for a hunk of my ass! Yahoo!


 * CYCLOPS: Look sharp, team!
 * PROFESSOR X: (as he appears) Remember, my X-Men. Use extreme caution! This is your most dangerous mission yet!
 * CYCLOPS: Right, Professor!
 * (A Sentinel zaps the X-Men with a beam, vaporizing them, and stomping on the ground where the X-Men were)
 * PROFESSOR X: (appearing again) Oh, is it okay if I delete Real World: Road Rules Challenge off the TiVo, because it's been a-- Wow. I'm going to need some new students.
 * (At the Xavier Mansion)
 * PROFESSOR X: Welcome, recruits. Though we had to lower our standards, thanks to the shortage of the actual mutants. The dangers you'll face are no less real! You'll be defending the world that hates and fears you!
 * JONES: What?! Hate and fear us? Because we're mutants?
 * PROFESSOR X: No, because you're in the Police Academy movies.
 * (The scene scrolls through the Police Academy characters while Jones making wheelchair squeaking noises)
 * PROFESSOR X: The heaven's wrong with this chair? And it seems we're missing one recruit..
 * (The Blackbird jet comes crashing down, the right wing fell off, collided with cars, and Mahoney opened the canopy)
 * MAHONEY: Sorry, I'm late.
 * PROFESSOR X: (at the window, shaking his fist) Mahoney...!
 * (At the Danger Room)
 * PROFESSOR X: This is the Danger Room, the ultimate training facility. (Pushes the button to activate) You never know what you might face: Killer death rays, flying buzzsaws, inflatable alp bop bags... Let's begin.
 * (Several robots enter the Danger Room. Tackleberry guns them down, Hightower performs a overhead throw on one of them, Mahoney is against the wall with the knives being thrown around him, and Hooks went under the table with the swinging blade above it)
 * ROBOT: Hello, my robot brother. I'm...
 * JONES: Larvell Jones.
 * ROBOT: Destroy all humanoids! (kicks Jones in the groin)
 * HOOKS: Uh.. Um.. E-excuse me, um... (A small drone fires a laser at Hooks' hand) Um, please... Stop that...
 * PROFESSOR X: (appears) What?! You're an X-Men! Act like one!
 * HOOKS: (quickly gets up) Who wants a piece of me, dirtbags?! (A swinging blade slices Hooks down the middle)
 * PROFESSOR X: For heaven's sake, get that body to the morgue. Move it, move it, move it!!
 * (A few minutes later, 3 of the recruits appear in the movie X-Men suits while Jones performs a Super Sentai-style pose)
 * PROFESSOR X: Hightower, we haven't got all day. (Hightower pushes down the wall, wearing Storm's first costume) Well, that's horrifying. Recruits, these battle suits are stylish, temperature controlled, and best of all, bulletproof.
 * TACKLEBERRY: (draws out a gun) Awesome!
 * MAHONEY: Tackleberry, no!!
 * (Tackleberry shoots himself in his face with his gun)
 * PROFESSOR X: Of course, they can only protect the parts of you they actually cover.
 * (Jones is sitting on a sofa reading a newspaper while making wheelchair squeaking noises. Professor X rolls around on his wheelchair)
 * PROFESSOR X: Stupid chair. Hey! You! It's been you all along! Try making your cute sound effects with a telepathically erased brain.
 * (Professor X telepathically erases Larvell's brain)
 * PROFESSOR X: Ha! (his wheelchair squeaks) Uh-oh.
 * PROFESSOR X: Welcome new graduates of Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters.
 * MAHONEY: He's in for a surprise.
 * PROFESSOR X: As X-Men, you now carry the great responsibility--
 * (Xavier's pants zip down)
 * PROFESSOR X: Some mischief maker has gone to great lengths to hide a prostitute under my podium. Unfortunately, I'm paralyzed from the waist down and her enthusiastic efforts are quite for naught.
 * PROFESSOR X: As I was saying, the X-Men-- (looks down) I didn't say stop.
 * MAHONEY: Look sharp, team!
 * PROFESSOR X: (as he appears) Remember, my X-Men. Use extreme caution!
 * (The Sentinel kicks the 3 recruits far)
 * PROFESSOR X: Oh, well. Same time next week?
 * (The Sentinel nods yes)