Fireballs and Bullet Holes

So, Marjorie...

Mm?

How's it going with the...

[quietly] ...chemo?

Why are you whispering? Are you afraid the cancer will hear you?

Fine. How's it going with the chemo?

Oh...

It's great fun.

I can't believe I waited this long to try it.

Actually, my doctor says I'm responding well to treatment.

Oh! That's good news.

We should celebrate.

Yeah.

Let's start by getting you a new wig.

Mom.

Oh, please.

It's like a fat, gray squirrel died on her head.

This is my real hair, Bonnie.

Oh.

I need to go pee-pee.

So you're... feeling good, then?

Can we talk about something else?

Okay.

Here's a biggie.

Mm-hmm.

You know how Bonnie always said that she didn't know who my real father was?

Mm-hmm.

Well... turns out she did. And I got to meet him.

What?!

We had to sit here and listen to your mother ramble on for 20 minutes about a**l bleaching, and you have this?

Tell me everything.

There's not much to tell.

I didn't actually tell him I was his daughter.

Why not?

I don't know.

I guess I chickened out.

So is that it?

[sighs]

I'm not sure.

I mean, I'd like to talk to him about everything, but I'm afraid, you know?

I mean, this guy totally screwed my Mom over.

What if I like him? How is that not going to hurt her?

Oh, honey, it's great that you're concerned about your mother, but you can't make this decision based on how she might feel.

You think?

Oh, please.

Your mom can take care of herself; she's an adult.

Score! The tampon machine was broken.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

1x15 - "Fireballs and Bullet Holes"

Alvin: I swear to God, if those tools don't magically reappear by the end of the day, I'm gonna gut you like a fish!

Now get out of here, you friggin' thief![/i]

May I help you?

No, that's okay.

I'll come back when you're not pissed off.

Oh, you don't want to wait that long. Come on in.

Okay. Thanks.

Mm-hmm.

I don't know if you remember me. I was here a while back.

'91 Volkswagen Jetta.

Wow. Good memory.

Yeah, for cars. And stolen tools!

What can I do you for?

Well, when last here, I failed to mention, um, certain facts...

Oh! Fireballs. You like Fireballs?

Yeah.

So do I. It's weird, huh?

Not really. Probably a few million of us.

I'm sorry, miss, it's just, I'm a little busy...

Bonnie Plunkett.

Bonnie.

Yeah. Um... I'm her daughter.

Oh, my God.

I'm your daughter.

Yeah, yeah, I got that.

You're the reason I'm short.

I know how it works.

I didn't know any other way to do this.

No, it's okay.

Uh... it... so, uh...

I'm sorry, what is your name?

Christy.

Christy.

Uh... how did you find me?

My Mom actually found you.

So she's alive?

Yeah, of course.

Well, if you knew her when I knew her, that is not a given.

Wow, okay. Look at you, you're all grown up.

Yep.

Man: Hey, Alvin, I found those...

Get out!

I'm sorry, I got a lot of ex-cons working here.

I can't close my eyes for a second.

So, Christy... what brings you here?

Seriously?

Yeah, stupid question.

Listen, I don't want anything.

I was just thinking that maybe we could... get to know each other.

Yeah, that-that's not gonna happen.

It's not?

I can't do it, honey.

No, I-I got a family... a wife and kids.

This thing here with you, me and your mom... that's a non-starter.

Oh.

Wow.

Yeah, I'm really sorry.

It's all right. I should go.

Just so you know, I turned out to be a wonderful person!

Got my temper.

I mean...

I dreamt about that moment my entire life, and the man could barely look me in the eye.

I felt so stupid. So... worthless.

I have one question.

Yeah?

What did I ever do to make you hate me?

What?

You drive all the way to Chico to see that little weasel and you don't tell me?!

Mom, please, can I just have five minutes where we make it about me?

All I'm saying is...

Two minutes! Give me two!

Look, I'm sorry, but I'm a human being and I have feelings.

Are you? Do you?

Oh, my God, I have no parents.

I'm officially an orphan.

Little Orphan Christy.

[sighs]

Don't be so dramatic. You get that from him, you know.

I get nothing from him!

And yet you want him in your life, disregarding how it impacts on me.

Excuse me, lady? Do you know where my Mother is?

Because I really need to talk to her about something important!

Knockity-knock.

To be continued...

You guys have fun at the park?

You tell her.

What happened?

Nothing.

We were tossing the football, I told him to go long and... neither one of us saw the tree.

Oh, Baxter...

I know, I'm stupid, I'm-I'm a screwup...

No. You're a great dad.

I am?

You're here, aren't you?

Just go with it.

Thank you.

Oh! Here's his tooth.

How's everything going here?

Enjoying your dinner?

It's wonderful.

What about your food, honey?

Mm-hmm.

Great.

[quietly] Special occasion?

Do we need a... birthday cupcake?

Oh, no, no. We're just having a little "daddy date."

[chuckles]

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, we do it once a month.

You know, give Mom a night off. Catch up.

[choked up] Well...

Isn't that terrific?

Yeah, I love it.

If I wasn't so busy, I'd do it every week.

Every week? What a... [sniffles]

...good dad you are.

Thanks.

And you... you are such a lucky girl.

Okay.

No! Not okay!

Whoa...

It's wonderful, wonderful thing and you need to cherish your daddy!

All right, let's not ruin her birthday.

It's not her birthday! They do it every month!

[knocking]

Hi. Is Christy Plunkett here?

You a bill collector?

No.

Subpoena?

No.

Are we being evicted again?

No. What do you mean, "again"?

Never mind. She's not here.

Oh, okay. You, uh, you must be her daughter.

Listen, pal, we're not joining your church.

I'm not... Forget it. I'll come back another time.

Whatever. [dang]

Wow, my granddaughter's a joy.

What do you want?

Hi. Uh, I-I was hoping we could talk.

There's nothing to talk about.

No, no, wait. Christy, give me a chance! Please!

[door opens]

Hang on.

I want you to buy me an ice cream cone.

Two scoops.

And a bicycle... and a Barbie Dream House.

How about a pony?

I'm not a child.

Is it good?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, pistachio is my favorite flavor, too.

Really?

No, I was just trying to make a connection.

Listen, Christy, I'm really sorry about how I acted back at the garage.

You just caught me by surprise.

Okay.

And as far as what went down with me and your mom when you were born... Geez, I-I don't know what to say.

What kind of a man abandons his newborn baby on Christmas Eve?

Well, in my defense, God did that to Jesus.

Good-bye.

No, no, I'm sorry, I'm...

The answer to your question is that I was a very stupid... very selfish, very frightened young man, and I'm not that man anymore.

Did you ever think about me?

Every day.

And then after a few years, I had to stop.

I don't know... it was too painful.

And by painful, I mean shameful.

[sighs]

So... now what?

Well, like you said, I thought maybe we could get to know each other.

Yeah... that's not gonna be so easy.

Why not?

You really did a number on my Mom.

I don't see you and I having any kind of relationship until you make things right with her.

Yeah, that makes sense. How's she doing now?

She's actually doing great. Really got her life together.

Terrific. Where do I get in touch with her?

She's living on my couch.

Yeah. The worst part about the chemo is it makes me so tired.

You know, it just drains me of all my energy.

I can barely keep my eyes open.

So chemo's kind of like talking to you?

Oh, I'm sorry if you find my desperate fight for life boring.

Apology accepted.

So did Christy tell you about meeting her father?

Yeah. I thought it was great they reconnected.

Wow! Anything to hurt me.

What are you talking about?

Do I need to walk you through it again?

That rat-bastard dumped me and Christy the minute she was born.

No, I get it. You're angry.

Angry? I want to cut the son of a bitch from throat to scroat!

Oh, Bonnie, you have to let that go.

Oh, Marjorie, I most certainly do not.

Well, it's your choice, but holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person.

Why do I even talk to you?

You finally have a good relationship with your daughter.

If you stay angry at her father, it could ruin that.

[sighs]

I hate you.

And I love you.

Stop that.

Love you, love you, love you.

Seriously, I will wring whatever life you have left out of you!

[car door closes]

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage... not to set this evil dwarf on fire. Amen.

[knocking]

Coming!

[clears throat]

Gee, I was starting to think you'd never come back.

Hi, Bonnie.

You're losing your hair.

It's not lost, it's just in my ears.

Thanks for agreeing to see me.

My pleasure. Please come in.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Can I, uh, get you something to drink?

No, thanks. I just had three beers sitting in the car.

Needed a little liquid courage, did you?

Yeah, it didn't really work.

I just need to pee really bad.

If you like, I could tie it in a knot for you.

It's okay, I'll hold it.

Come, sit. Say what you have to say.

All right. I guess I'll just jump right in.

I know what happened was...

You know, I'm sorry.

I can't listen to this.

You left me with a one-day-old baby and 18 bucks in my jeans.

There is nothing you could say that could ever make that right.

I know. What I did was...

You burned me so bad I could never let another man near my heart!

Believe me, when we broke up...

There was no breaking up!

Breaking up is fighting and splitting up your albums and maybe one hot, angry good-bye bang!

What you did was abandon me when I was the most vulnerable I've ever been in my entire life!

I'm-I'm not defending it...

Yeah, because you can't!

And just so we're clear, the only reason you are sitting here is because my daughter wants to get to know you, and I'm not gonna stand in the way of that.

I really appreciate...

Shut up!

But if you hurt that little girl, I will hunt you down and I will kill you and everything you love.

I think I just peed a little.

Well, I think I found what the problem is.

What is it?

Your engine has like, uh, 800,000 miles on it.

Think it's time to trade it in?

For what, a sandwich?

I'll keep working on it.

This is nice, spending time with you.

Yeah, it is.

Is it okay if I call you Dad?

I don't see why not.

Okay.

Dad.

[chuckles]

So... when do I get to meet your family?

Ow!

Oh, my God.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I just rang the bell a little.

[exhales]

Uh... well...

I, uh... haven't yet told them about you.

What are you waiting for?

Uh, tell you the truth, I was waiting till I was on my death bed.

What are they gonna do, unplug me?

So, what, I'm supposed to introduce myself to them at your funeral?

That works for me.

I liked you a lot better when you were in my imagination.

Come on, Christy. My family thinks I'm a good guy.

I-I just don't know how to tell them that wasn't always the case.

I understand.

I already ruined your life once, I wouldn't want to do it again.

Now, come on, now.

No, that's okay.

Just... go home to your happy little family and forget about me.

You got to give me some time.

I gave you 35 years!

Ah. Violet, Roscoe.

This spineless son of a bitch is your Grandfather!

Call me Papa.

[sighs]

[somber music playing over TV]

God, this is so sad.

I can't believe they killed that poor old dog.

I know.

You talk to Marjorie lately?

It scares me, the way your mind works.

[horn honks outside]

You expecting anybody?

Nope.

[sighs]

What do you think?

What do I think of what?

Your new car.

You're kidding me.

No, no. I got it at a police auction.

Cleaned it up.

Look at that door. Can't even see the bullet holes.

[sighs]

It's nice. But you can't buy me with a car.

Okay.

How about if I throw in a couple of slightly used brothers?

Hey, sis.

'Sup?

Hi.

You told them?

Yeah.

No more secrets. I want you in my life.

Where's your wife?

She's still processing the information.

At her sister's in Albuquerque.

She's totally pissed; tried to stab him.

All right.

How about we take it for a ride and you get to know your brothers better?

Oh, my God, oh, my God... my God!

Ah.

Hi, guys.

Hey.

Hi.

Oh. That smell. [engine starts]

[sighs]

Let go of the anger, 'cause it's poisoning you.

[breathes deeply]

Nah, I don't think so.