Bedknobs and Broomsticks

You there, which way to Pepperinge Eye? Couldn't say, sir. lt said on the wireless to paint out the signposts in case the Nazis drop in. l'm not a Nazi! l'm a British officer! That's what you'd say if you was a Nazi, isn't it, sir? Drive on, corporal. Sorry to give you so many but you do have six bedrooms. No trouble. Anything to get the poor things away from those terrible bombings in London. What about us? - Oh, yes. What is your name? - Rawlins, ma'am. Oh, yes. Here we are. Carrie. Charles. Paul. You're for Miss Price. l'm expecting her in. - Call out the navy - l won't be a moment. Please don't touch anything. Call out the tanks From the Cliffs of Dover, call up the gulls And don't forget the loyal territorials But who's digging in here? Who will defend Every inch of England, no matter what they send? Who's standing firm in our own front yard? The soldiers of the Old Home Guard, that's who The soldiers of the Old Home Guard We wrote the story of the old brigades We know the glory of yesterday's parades Who's standing firm in our own front yard? The soldiers of the Old Home Guard, that's who The soldiers of the Old Home Guard - Halt! - Carry on, sergeant. Captain Greer, sir, from headquarters at Tidbury, here to check military preparations. Tell them Pepperinge Eye has matters well in hand. Nevertheless, l... What on earth is that? Good morning, General. l received your message, Mrs Hobday. - l assume my parcel has arrived. - lt's in the office. How lovely. - Who is that? - Miss Price. Splendid woman. Her late father served with me. What does she burn in this? lt smells like sulphur. Ridiculous! One can't make motor fuel out of sulphur! Here we are. Another object from Professor Emelius Browne in London. - Thank you. - ls it what you expected? - l imagine so. - He sent you a cat last time. - Professor Browne is well? - l haven't the faintest idea. Are we to have the pleasure of meeting him? l doubt it. l don't know Professor Browne personally. - Was there something else? - Yes. Would you come this way? - l'm very anxious to get home. - Come along, please. - Get down, Charlie. l want a ride! - Bash him one! Stop it this instant! Children, this is Miss Price. Carrie, Charles and Paul Rawlins, all the way from London. - How do you do? - How are you, miss? The government are trying to evacuate children into the country. - Very sensible. - Today they sent us 45. And l've had to find homes for all of them at very short notice. These are the last three. All right, children. Pick up your things. You're not suggesting l take these children into my house? - Exactly. - That's quite out of the question. Children and l don't get on. l'll believe you, miss. Come on. Back to London. Be quiet. Besides, l have important work to do. Miss Price, you do have that entire house to yourself. According to the Ministry of Civil Defence, you have no choice. l see. lf that is the case l shall take them into my house, with the understanding that you find another home as soon as possible. Fine. Come along. Good morning, Miss Price. There they are! Oh, Miss Price, what a charitable thing you are doing, taking in these poor unfortunates from the city. - Hold this very carefully. - l wonder if l may drop by later. - Why? - Consider their spiritual needs. That won't be necessary. They won't be with me for long. My parcel, please. Bring your things inside. - Bit murky, ain't it? - Yeah. Not another house round here for miles. - Wipe your feet. - Big place, this. - Who else lives here? - l live alone. lt suits my purpose. All right. Come along, everybody. Sorry, miss. The cat startled us. No need for alarm. You just frightened him. Yeah, he's scared to death. You can see that! - What do you call your cat? - l don't give animals silly names. l call him Cosmic Creepers because that's the name he came with. You will sleep in here. This was my father's bedroom. Be very careful of everything in it. - You boys take the bed there. - All right, miss. - What was your name? - Carrie, miss. - You sleep in the sofa in there. - Thank you, miss. - ls that all you brought? - We ain't exactly burdened down. Travel light, that's us. l don't think this is going to work but it seems that l have no alternative. We'll do our best, miss. Really, we will. Thank you, Carrie. The bathroom is along the landing. - Supper is at 6:00. You will wash... - Wash? You will wash yourselves otherwise there will be no supper. ls that clear? A house of horror. That's what we've come to. Please don't bother to whisper. l'm exceptionally keen of hearing. You are planning to run back to London. Please do your plotting elsewhere where l shan't have to listen to it. l don't know much about what children eat. You'll have to make do as l do. ls there anything in particular that you fancy? Sausage and mash, bubble and squeak, toad in the hole, fried fish... Anything at all. You won't find any fried foods in this house. - No fried food? - No. How do you keep your health? Cabbage buds, rosehips, hyssop seed, elm bark, wattle yeast and stewed nettles. ''Dear Madam. With this shipment, the Emelius Browne College of Witchcraft sends you its congratulations on qualifying for the first degree of your chosen calling.'' ''You may now call yourself 'apprentice witch'.'' Yours faithfully, Emelius Browne. My first broom. Time to go. Everybody up. Wake up, Paul. We're going back to London. Let's see how we fly this thing. Here we are. Clasp the broom with both hands. Yes, of course. Never astride the broom. Oh, yes, of course. ''A witch is always a lady unless circumstances dictate otherwise.'' ''Take an easy, graceful sideways position.'' Of course, that's much better. An easy, graceful sideways position. There we are. How's that? ''To start up the broom, your basic formula: La kipo necriff scrumpet leech!'' l wasn't ready! Now watch this. Here we go. lt's going to be a little different this time. All right. l know it's not ladylike. What's the matter? - How does she do that? - She's a witch. That's the sort of thing witches do. She don't fly good, do she? - She's crashed! - Now's our chance to hop it! - Suppose she's hurt. - Go on! You can't hurt a witch. Look out! She's proper cross now. Let's get away from here. Hang on. l'm having a bit of a think. A witch she is, says you. Then let's use the old loaf, says l. - Let's get back to London. - What we have here is an opportunity. She don't want anyone to know she's a witch, does she? - Not ruddy likely. - That's the opportunity. And l intend to make the most of it. Come on. - Bran porridge. - Thank you, miss. Very healthful, l'm sure! - Hurt your foot, Miss Price? - Just twisted my ankle. - Sorry to hear that. - Thank you. lt's nothing serious. Lovely weather for flying last night. Why did you say that, Charles? Game's up, Miss Price. We know what you are. l see. Don't worry, Miss Price. No one's gonna peach on you. Thank you. l should be most grateful if you didn't tell anyone. Course there would have to be one or two little changes made round here. l mean, l'd like to see an occasional sausage on the table here. - A bit of strawberry jam. - Charlie! Let me handle this. And another thing, Miss Price. There will be no more of this wash, wash, wash, morning and night. Anything else? Now you mention it, l could do with a bit of lolly. Lolly? Cash. Cold, hard cash. You must have buckets of it. The most accomplished of witches can't make money out of thin air. Have you ever heard of a rich witch? Be that as it may, you don't want us to blab, do you? Have you considered what danger you might be in? l am a witch, you know. What will you do? Turn me into a toad? Lovely. A toad with pink eyes. - l might just do that. - Go on, then. l dare you. Very well, Charles. - You shouldn't have said that to her. - She don't frighten me. She can't even ride a proper broom. Excuse me, Charles. Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perigee. Oh, Charlie! That's better than a toad! That's a rabbit! Bother! l never seem to be able to manage toads. Stop! Leave him alone! - Don't let Charlie get hurt. - My spells don't last very long. l'm just an apprentice witch. Look out, Charlie! You flaming brute! l'll teach you to do that to me! Let Cosmic Creepers alone. Weren't his fault. l'm afraid it's my fault. Bad enough not being able to manage a broom. l can't perform a simple, basic spell. You dared her to do it. l don't see why we can't all be friends. Maybe she's not a wicked witch. Of course l'm not! - See? - lf only l could trust you. You see, the work l'm doing is so important to the war effort. - How do you mean? - l mean exceptionally important. Most secret. What do you say, Charlie? We can keep a secret. Yeah. lf someone made it worth our while. l don't follow. Simple. You give us something valuable to seal the pact. Oh, Charlie, don't try to be clever again. lt's for our own protection, ain't it? lf we broke the pact, we'd have to give back the valuable object. l think it's an excellent idea. l wonder what l could give you. Would you settle for one of my spells? Bet that's not worth much. Come with me. - l like you better as a rabbit. - Shut up, you. Well, l never had a rabbit. Careful what you touch in here. Rum sort of place, ain't it? When l signed for my witchcraft course there was a free bonus, a marvellous travelling spell if you paid in advance. l think l'll give you that one. - ls it valuable? - Certainly. Poisoned dragon's liver? You mean you poison the dragon or just the liver? lt comes prepared. lt's part of the school equipment. Here we are. The travelling spell. Everybody gather round. All right now. Let's see. Does any one of you have a bracelet or a ring? - Something that you can twist. - No, Miss Price. - What about you, Paul? - Always carry a few things around. Never know when they might come in useful. Piece of blue glass. Lovely bit of string. Horseshoe nail. What's that? Knob from the bed upstairs. - lt twists, don't it? - Yeah. Twisted right off. Yes, l think that will be all right. Carrie, turn the light down a little bit, will you? Hellebore, henbane, aconite... glow-worm fire, firefly light! There. lsn't that pretty? ls that all we get? This knob will now work the famous travelling spell. And what's the famous travelling spell? - How does it work? - You take this knob and put it back on the bed upstairs. Then turn it smartly a quarter turn to the left then in a firm, clear voice, tell it where you want to go and the bed will take you there. Go on! - Will it really? - l see no reason to think otherwise. Thank you for the lovely gift. Sorry, but it belongs to Paul. He's the only one who can work the spell. - Me? - Yes. That's right. My knob, weren't it? That's the way the spell works. Nice mess he'll make of things. Oh, bother. You children run upstairs. Don't try anything with the bedknob till l get back. ''Dear Madam, it grieves me to inform you that we have been forced to close down our College of Witchcraft.'' ''This means that we shall not be sending you the final lesson in which you expressed so much interest.'' - What's keeping you? - l've had some very bad news. ls there anything we can do? No. No, thank you. Yes. Yes, there is something that Paul can do. - Me? - l need the bedknob back. - l must get to London. - No. l want to go to the jungle. Come with me, Paul. Now, Paul. Ridiculous as it may seem to have to explain this to a six-year-old, - l do need your help. - Go ahead. l was expecting a very important spell in the mail from my teacher, Professor Emelius Browne, and it hasn't come. What's that got to do with my knob? l must go to London immediately and see Professor Browne. With his help, we may be able to bring this war to a successful end. That is why l need the knob. What is your decision? Thank you, Paul. l brought this for your hair. lt may be windy. Thank you. lt's ever so nice. Paul, have you been to the bathroom? - Twice. - Good. Charles, put on something warmer. The bed may travel quite fast. l'm not going. l'm staying right here. But why? All that rubbish about a travelling bed. lt won't work. That's why. Carrie, help me to pull the bed out. We don't want to scratch the wall when we take off. How's a ruddy big bed like that gonna get out of this room with those little windows? l don't know. There's a great many things about magic that l don't know. - We'll just have to find out. - Lovely! Just leave me out of it. l don't fancy making a fool of myself. What's come over you lately, Charlie? You're no fun any more. Help me tidy up. We don't want to go to London with an unmade bed. - How old is Charles? - Eleven, going on twelve. l see. That's what my father used to call the age of not believing. What's that supposed to be? When you rush around in hopeless circles Searching everywhere for something true You're at the age of not believing When all the make-believe is through That's Charlie to a tee. When you set aside your childhood heroes And your dreams are lost upon a shelf You're at the age of not believing And worst of all you doubt yourself Throw that away. You're a castaway where no one hears you On a barren isle in a lonely sea What's that? Poetry? Where did all the happy endings go? Where can all the good times be? Everyone on the bed who's going. You must face the age of not believing Doubting everything you ever knew The knob. Until at last you start believing There's something wonderful in you Lovely sentiment, l'm sure. - Are you ready, Paul? - Yes, Miss Price. Repeat after me. Take us to Professor Emelius Browne... Very good. Headmaster, Correspondence College of Witchcraft. ..of Witchcraft, London. When l say go, tap the knob three times and turn it a quarter turn to the left. - Left... - That's it. We'd better hold on tight. The behaviour of the bed is something l'm not sure of. Let me breathe a little. All right, Paul. Ready? Go. One... two... three... - ls this London? - Course it is! - Smell that lovely sooty air. - Marvellous, ain't it? - Charles, are you convinced? - Not yet l ain't. l don't see no Professor Browne. Neither do l. You children look after the bed while l make enquiries for Mr Browne. - l told you this bed wouldn't work. - Don't start that again. lt didn't work. lt was supposed to take us to Professor Browne. - Professor Browne. - Come on! Ladies and gentlemen, gather round, please. Please note the name: Professor Emelius Browne. l am here to divert, to amuse, and, yes, even to help you. - There he is! - lt is not what things are... lt is what they seem to be. ls that not so? That ain't the kind of professor l expected. l'm not sure it's the kind Miss Price expected, either. What effect a little smoke is... with a dash of hocus-pocus and the scent of burning... and the scent of burning sulphur in the air. And now, for my next trick, may l draw your attention to this solid piece of ordinary window glass, framed in an ordinary unprepared frame. May l also draw your attention to this perfectly ordinary steel nail. Now l shall place the framed glass in this brown, unprepared... Unprepared, mark you... Unprepared brown paper bag. l shall now attempt to drive the steel nail through the glass without breaking the glass. lmpossible! l hear you say. We shall see. He ain't very good, even if he is a professor. l tell you what l'm going to do. No, please don't go. Don't leave now and regret lost opportunities later. You, young sir. Would you care to warble like the storied nightingale? With this inexpensive device, you can charm the very birds down from the trees, like so. - How much? - For you, sir, one penny. One copper coin of the realm. Carrie, l'm very surprised at you wandering off like this. We found him for you, miss. We found Professor Browne. Don't work. l've been cheated! ls that Professor Browne? lt is indeed, my dear. How may l serve you? Would you be interested in the mating call of the Brazilian bird of love? Very useful, eh? You are the headmaster of the Emelius Browne College of Witchcraft? The late headmaster. The college, alas, is now defunct. Professor Browne, l am one of your pupils. My dear lady, you are indeed an ornament to the college. - Splendid. - Not at all. l was shocked when you closed down the college without that most important last lesson. l'm sorry, my dear. No refunds. Look at your contract. But l must have the spell that comes with the last lesson! The matter is closed. l bid you good day. l have an appointment at my club. The matter is not closed! - Don't let him get away. - Righto! Here we are. Will you get this child off my leg? Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perigee. Now l trust you'll behave more like a gentleman. Look out! There goes another rabbit. What was all that about? l changed you into a rabbit with one of your own spells. My spell? From my school? Not one of your best spells. lt doesn't last. Some of your others are much better. But l don't understand. My spell? They were just nonsense words from an old book. They worked perfectly well for me. They work for you? Good woman! Some kind of destiny has brought us together. You got these spells out of some old book, you say? l changed them round a bit. l gave them a bit of my own style, as it were. The old sorcerers did have a bit of a tendency to waffle on. But dear lady, l never thought l'd meet somebody like you. What a treasure. Mr Browne, will you please stick to the point. l would like to see this book immediately. Certainly. lt's at my new town house. Would you care to join me for luncheon? We can discuss my ideas at the same time. Thank you. We'd be delighted. We shall all go together. - On the bed? - On the bed, Paul. Come along. You go round the other side. l always travel on the left. Will you give the address to Paul, please? May l ask how we are going to get there on this bed? Fly? My dear Professor, with your own travelling spell. The one you gave with the course as a bonus. My travelling spell? That works as well? Just give the address, please. Bed, take us to 8 Winchfield Road. Madam, is this vehicle safe? Perfectly. A bit theatrical, perhaps, but then most good spells are. We're here. l would never have believed it. You must have given us the wrong address. Do you live here? ln fact, l do. Temporarily, at any rate. l found the front door open. The house was deserted. Everyone has left the neighbourhood. Why should they do that? This probably has something to do with it. Merciful heavens! You should be terrified at the very idea of living here. You would have thought so. l am by nature a little bit of a coward. But then l pondered. ln the perverse nature of things, this diabolical object is probably the best friend l've ever had. lt enables me, for the first time in my life, to live like a king. Shall we go in? Rothschild '26. Noble, worldly-wise, but with a charming touch of innocence. Mr Browne, the book. Where is it? Dear lady, you are relentless. The book is in the library. We shall proceed there after our cheese and wine. Why do you keep the curtains closed? So that we may enjoy the gentle glow of candle light. More likely so's a copper don't peek in and catch you hiding out here. Why don't you have a look round the house? - l want to chat with Miss Price. - May we? Yes, run along. But don't touch anything. Remember, this house does not belong to Mr Browne. Mr Browne, where is that book? l must have that spell on substitutiary locomotion. - What is it? A toy shop? - No, it's a nursery. - Ain't you ever seen a nursery? - No. And neither have you. Would you hold this, please? What do you think of that? - Well, l... don't know what to think. - Miss Price. Think how successful l could be with an assistant who can really do magic. Dear lady, have you ever considered entering show business? - The what business? - The theatre! Pantomimes, village fairs, the seaside. Brighton, Blackpool, follies on the prom. l have very important work to do. Listen to me. We could make a packet. Let us strike a bargain You possess a gift But I can speak the jargon That will give your gift the needed lift You possess the know-how And I command the show-how Oh, how successful you could be With me l'm afraid we're wasting valuable time. - What's your name? - Miss Price. - Your first name. - Eglantine. Eglantine, Eglantine, oh, how you'll shine Your lot and my lot have got to combine Eglantine, Eglantine, hark to the stars Destiny calls us, the future is ours As the shine sells the boot and the blossoms the fruit All you need to succeed in your plan Is the proper ally upon whom to rely And I'm your man For I have an acumen that's nigh-superhuman I sell things that nobody can So I humbly suggest you accept my behest I'm your man Eglantine, Eglantine, oh how you'll shine Will you stop? Your lot and my lot have got to combine Eglantine, Eglantine, hark to the stars Destiny calls us, the future is ours What are you reading? lsle of Naboombu. - Can't be no such place. - There is too such a place. These pictures prove it, don't it? Bit weird, ain't it? Animals wearing hats and things. l like it. Now where is the book? Well? Where is it? At last, Mr Browne! The Spells of Astoroth. Of course. Here's the travelling spell. This is where you got it. Does one's nose have to twitch like this? Oh, you're back, Mr Browne. Miss Price, a word about your tactics. l don't mind being changed into a hawk or a tiger or something with dash. But always a fluffy white rabbit? lt's intolerable! Here we are! Substitutiary locomotion. The ancient art of... ''The spell which creates this force is five mystic words.'' These words are... But the rest of the book is missing! Now you see why l closed down the college. - But where are the other pages? - Haven't the foggiest. - Listen to me! - l'm all ears. You will be if you don't pay attention. Where did you get this book? l bought it from a street market. There was a bit of unpleasantness. He claimed that l'd given him a dud coin. l ask you! There was a sort of scuffle. The book tore. He got one half and l got the other. - But where's the other half now? - lt's probably been thrown away. But if it still exists, there's only one place to find it. - Where is that? - Portobello Road Portobello Road Street where the riches of ages are stowed Anything and everything a chap can unload Is sold off the barrow in Portobello Road You'll find what you want in the Portobello Road - Rare alabaster - Genuine plaster A filigreed samovar owned by the tsars - A pen used by Shelley - A new Botticelli! The snippers that clipped old King Edward's cigars Made in Hong Kong? Two bob a dozen, would you say? - Waterford crystal - Napoleon's pistols Society heirlooms with genuine gems Rembrandts, El Grecos, Toulouse-Lautrecos Painted last week on the banks of the Thames Very interesting, but where do they sell books? There's a little place around the corner. Portobello Road, Portobello Road Street where the riches of ages are stowed Anything and everything a chap can unload Is sold off the barrow in Portobello Road You meet all your chums in the Portobello Road Lovely to see you. Goodbye. What l want is the other half of this book. All in good time, my dear. Burke's Peerage, The Bride Book, The Fishmonger's Guidebook l'm looking for the other part of this. A Victorian novel, The Unwanted Son - You don't understand! - The History of Potting The Yearbook of Yachting The leather-bound Life of Attila the Hun Portobello Road, Portobello Road Street where the riches of ages are stowed Artefacts to glorify a regal abode Are hidden in the flotsam in Portobello Road Who do you think you are? Tokens and treasures, yesterday's pleasures Cheap imitations and heirlooms of old Dented and tarnished, scarred and unvarnished In old Portobello... This lady is looking for the other half of this book. lt's called The Spells of Astoroth. l don't keep no torn or damaged books here. What do you think l am? A ruddy wastepaper merchant? You can eat like a king in the Portobello Road There's another bookstore along here somewhere. You don't expect to sell a piano like that, do you? Let me have a go, my dear fellow. Portobello Road, Portobello Road Happy things are happening in Portobello Road You feel like a ballerina when you're hopping like a toad When you kick your heels up down in Portobello Road Come on, ducks! Come on, girls! Lovely. Oh, yeah, play the drums. Closing time! Bye! Portobello Road Portobello Road Street where the riches of ages are stowed Anything and everything a chap can unload... Hey, governor. Something for the lady friend? Nylons? - No, thank you. - Petrol coupons? - Chocs for the little 'uns? - No. How about one of these, mate? Fell off the back of a lorry. - Be a good chap and run away. - Would you fancy this, then? Now you have my undivided attention. - What can l do for you? - Get over to the Bookman right away. He wants to see you. You too. Who is the Bookman? And what right has he got to order me about? l think we'd better ask questions later. Excuse me. Sorry, guv. No one told me about the stairs. Why didn't you bring Scotland Yard, Swinburne, and half the Household Cavalry as well? What's the bed for? lt's a present for you. That's what he said. Nothing of the sort. The bed belongs to me. Except for this knob, which is mine. Bookman, there's been bad blood between us long enough. Let this gift begin friendship anew. - Draw the curtains. Lock the door. - You'll be snug as a bug. lsn't that the section of the manuscript we've been looking for? - Who is this person? - Miss Eglantine Price. A charming young woman of my acquaintance. Miss Price, l've been looking for this other bit a long time. Mr Swinburne told me you were in the market making enquiries. And here we are. l don't mind saying, to see it all together at last... - There isn't much l wouldn't do. - Or haven't done, for that matter. - Right, guv? - You'll close your mouth, Swinburne. ls that clear? lt's all like a jolly detective story or jigsaw puzzle, isn't it? We're both after the same spell. You have one clue, l have the other. Yes, in that case, the sensible thing seems to be for us to cooperate. l assume you're looking for the same thing l am. May l? This is quite a moment for both of us. ''Substitutiary locomotion, the lost miracle of the ancients.'' And so on and so forth. Here we are. ''The spell which creates this force is five mystic words.'' ''These words are... engraved on the star that was always worn by the sorcerer Astoroth.'' But where are the words of the spell? l assumed they'd be in your half of the manuscript. l thought they'd be in yours! Once again, a dead end. l shall never know the secret. lsn't that old Astoroth? And there's his star. Pity it's so small you can't read the writing. - But why the animals? - Towards the end of his life, Astoroth kept animals in cages in search for the spells that would make them more like humans. The legend is that finally the animals rebelled at the experiment, killed Astoroth and stole many of his powers. lncluding the star with the spell on it. Possibly. They found a ship, sailed away and were never heard of again. However, there is a final notation in my half of the book saying that in the 1 7th century a shipwrecked lascar was taken from the sea half mad with thirst and exposure to the sun. Before he died, he swore he had seen an island ruled by animals. Where? There is, l regret to say, no such island. l looked for it in every chart. The lsle of Naboombu does not exist. lt does too! Got my own... - What is he trying to say? - Nothing! When he don't say nothing, he mumbles. l wish the child to speak! - Now you've done it. - There is too such a place. Got my own book. There. Real pretty letters, ain't it? - Let me see it. - You're not interested, Bookman. - lt's just a children's book. - l'll be the judge of that. - Give it to me. - No. Please don't annoy me. - Give me the book, boy. - Not likely. Bit of a stalemate, isn't it? lf it's all the same to you, l'd rather use my own. Sentiment, you know. Come along, Paul. lt's time to go. Go? How, my dear? The door is locked. Observe the fundamental weakness of the criminal mind. - You will believe no one or anything. - l understand. - The knob, Paul. - Course you do, my dear. We can tell them the complete truth. They will believe nothing. He's up to something, you know. Before your very eyes, l shall cause this bed and the occupants on it to disappear. l should like to see a cheap-jack tenth-rate entertainer do a trick like that. Cheap-jack entertainer. - That was naughty. - All right, Paul. - Where to? - To the lsland of Naboombu. - l'm very curious about that place. - Good. Bed, take us to the lsland of Naboombu. Enough of this nonsense! Get the book! Beastly climate. l never did fancy the sea. - Where are we? - Naboombu, of course. l've never seen no island like this before. l'm afraid we may have fallen into the lagoon. That's right. Here we are on page three. Oi, Mr Codfish! Hello, young fellow! Welcome to Naboombu Lagoon. Now l'm hearing things. Fish don't talk. Not too bright, is he? - He's my brother. - Oh? Sorry. Mr Codfish, where is the lsland of Naboombu? You mean the land part? Oh, that. Straight up. You can't miss it. None of my business, of course, but l shouldn't go there if l were you. - Having troubles, they are. - Troubles? He's right, you know. A lot of trouble. Trouble or not, we should be getting along. - l wish to see who is in charge. - What's the rush? lt's really rather splendid down here. For you, my dear. Thank you. How pleasant... Bobbing along Bobbing along on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea What a chance to get a better peep At the plants and creatures of the deep We glide Far below the rolling tide Serene Through the bubbly blue and green It's lovely bobbing along Bobbing along on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea What if the octopus, the flounder and the cod Think we're rather odd? It's fun to promenade Bobbing along, singing a song On the bottom of the beautiful briny sea Look! It's lovely bobbing along Bobbing along on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea What a chance to get a better peep At the plants and creatures of the deep It's grand When you're dancing on the sand Each glance Bubbles over with romance It's lovely bobbing along Bobbing along through the water Where we get along swimmingly Far from the frenzy of the frantic world above - Two beneath the blue - Could even fall in love Bobbing along, singing a song On the bottom of the beautiful briny sea Bobbing along, singing a song On the bottom of the beautiful briny, shimmery shiny Beautiful briny sea Bravo! Most exciting, most exciting. You've won the ruddy cup. Help! This time l really caught a whopper! People! Oh, no! What scurvy luck. - My goodness! - l'll deal with this, my dear. - Don't you know that... - Good day, captain. l used to be a bit of a seafaring man myself. Many's the time l've shipped out of Portsmouth. Delighted to meet a fellow mariner. Now stow it, mate. - Oh, really! - Can't you read reading? lt says... No peopling allowed. - Ridiculous! - Don't antagonise him, Mr Browne. That means l've got to throw you all back. That's what to do. Wait it minute! lt says here that anybody can see the king. - And that's the law. - Where do it say that? Here in my book. So it do. But if you people knew what was good for you, you'd get yourselves all throwed back. The king don't like people! Nonetheless, we must see the king on an urgent personal matter. Please lead the way. But just don't say l didn't warn you. See? Follow me. Get out of here! Yes. What can l do for you? l caught some people down at the sea lagoon. They want to see the king. Really? Well, we can't be bothered with that sort of thing now, can we? l don't know that l fancy this. His Majesty is in a frightful rage. Excuse me, sir. As an all-round entertainer, l am considered not without talent. Perhaps l can cheer him up. No, no. You don't understand. As everyone knows, His Majesty is the world's greatest soccer player. But due to a technical problem, the Royal Cup match cannot take place today. And His Majesty had so set his heart on it! Throw these... creatures back into the sea. Aye, aye, sir. Just a moment! l can help! Do you really think so? l'd be most grateful. Do you know soccer? Do l know anything about soccer? Why, l was captain of Tottenham Hotspurs for two years. Three seasons with Manchester United... Yes, yes. You'll do. Come this way, please. Mr Browne, are you certain you'll be all right? Now what? Not an ideal person in many respects, but Mr Browne is a very brave man. Do you think he's done for? Do you think so? l can't tell you how l appreciate this. For some reason we have great difficulty finding referees round here. lf there be one thing we like, it's volunteers, eh, Birdy? He's a proper king! Look at his crown! What's he got round his neck? What a magnificent... ornament, sire. Ah, yes. Wouldn't be without it. Been in the family for years. The Star of Astoroth! You're to sit in His Majesty's royal box. No littering, no chewing, no fruit or wrappers or sweets. Please. Rise, please. Loyal fans, this is official. We have a volunteer referee. Let the match begin! He's still wearing it! Right, Dirty Yellows, let's have a clean game. Right, True Blues, best foot forward. Weird sort of game they play here. Hurry up! Get rid of it! Gracious! You're doing fine, matey. Move it around. Get on with the match! - Foul! - They're only animals. That's no excuse for dirty football. Ref, are you blind? Be quiet, Charles! Don't forget who the referee is! - Don't they have no rules? - Course they do. The king makes them up as he goes along. Poor Mr Browne. Do you think he's all right? Well, he's moving. Steady, matey. Move it around. He almost had it then. Looks like he's done for this time. Don't just stand there! Head it in! Stop... that... ball! Goal! Game's over. l win. Let me give you a hand, matey. That's quite all right, Your Majesty. Thank you so much. Please, let me help you on with your robe. Why, yes. Thank you. Can't have you catching cold, sire, can we? Why, no. Have you ever heard of something called the gypsy switch? No, can't say that l have. Remind me to tell you about it some time. l can't tell you when we've had such a good time. We'll carry your memory in our hearts for a long while. l think it's time to leave. Must you go? Must be dashing. Marvellous game. Lovely to see you. Goodbye. Friendly lot. Don't mind them visiting. Wouldn't want them living here. - Come along, children. - Hurry up. Stop gibbering! What's the matter with you? Your Royal Star! They've stolen your Royal Star! Don't be ridiculous. What do you think this is? Why didn't you say so? Paul, put the knob on the bed. At last the magic words. Treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee. l'll keep it. Women always lose things. - Hurry, Paul! The knob! - lt's stuck! - l suppose l'd better do something. - Please do. Quick. Got it. Filigree, apogee, pedigree... Oh, bother. l do hate shoddy work. l shall never get used to this thing. Will you push the bed back into place, please? l think we could all do with a nice cup of tea. No time. l've gone to a lot of trouble to find this spell. l'm going to try it immediately. Mr Browne, kindly let me have your shoes, please. - Fine. - What's the shoes for? lf you'd been paying attention l should think you'd be aware that substitutiary locomotion is the art of causing inanimate objects to take on a life force of their own. l must have inanimate objects to experiment with. Makes sense, don't it? Stand back, everyone. l need plenty of room. l want you all to be absolutely quiet. Mr Browne, you have the Star of Astoroth, l believe. Oh, yes. lt's in my nice clean hanky. lt's all right, Mr Browne. l should have realised that it would be impossible to take an object from one world into another. lf only l would have had the sense to remember the words on that star. - l know the words. - Don't bother her. She's thinking. Why don't you and l nip out and get something for supper? And l might conceivably call into the pub for a pint to steady my nerves. l do know the words, Miss Price. How can you know the words when Miss Price doesn't? Troop movements and massing of barges in French and Dutch ports. The prime minister has told the nation to be on the alert for signs of a possible invasion. That was the news. l might have been able to do something about this. lt's out of your hands now, my dear. lf only l could have remembered those words. lt's maddening. Why don't someone ask me? Come off it, Paul. You can't remember those kind of words. You mean like ''Treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee''? - How do you know that? - Easy. Says so right here in my book. You mean it was there in your book all the time? Yeah. But nobody ever listens to me. Treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee. Nothing happened! Am l doing something wrong? Well, it does seem a bit old-fashioned. After all, we are in the 20th century. - What do you suggest? - lt needs rhythm. Tempo. Music. As l always say, do it with a flair. - Do you mind if l have a go? - Of course not. Come along, you lot! We need all the help we can get. Treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee. Substitutiary locomotion Mystic power that's far beyond the wildest notion It's so weird, so feared, yet wonderful to see Substitutiary locomotion come to me Now! Treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee. I don't want locomotiary substitution Or remote intransecory convolution Only one precise solution is the key Substitutiary locomotion it must be Substitutiary locomotion Lovely substitutiary locomotion You've made substitutiary history With treguna mekoides and a little help from me - With treguna mekoides and... - Trecorum satis dee Mr Browne, what is going on here? l haven't the foggiest. How do you do? Shall we? - That's my nightgown! - ls it really, my dear? l'm not responsible for its behaviour. Obviously not, my dear. Paul, what on earth are you doing? Having a jolly good time, that's what. - How can we stop all this? - Must we? lt's most agreeable. But we must do something. Didn't l give you my all-purpose cut-off spell? - Lesson number eight. - Eight. - Yes, number eight l think it was. - Oi! My Sunday trousers! Buzz off, old chap. Find your own dancing partner. Be careful, Carrie! Slow down! Mr Browne, will you please control your shoes? Dear lady, l very much fear that we have nothing under control. Do you mind? Now, who would like some more of my lovely sausages and mash? - No more for me, thank you. - Carrie? l've already had two helpings. - l'm full. - Me, too. At least somebody wants some. Cheer up, my dear. This should be something of a celebration. l'm sorry, but there doesn't seem to be much to celebrate. - l still haven't mastered that spell. - Of course you have. You just need a little more practice. - Do you really think so? - No doubt about it. Meantime, there's nothing to liven the spirits like a little master juggling. Right, Charlie? Go on then, guv! Give us some juggling! Very few better than me at this. All you need is 20 years' practice and a touch of genius. Never happened to me before. l don't usually juggle with cats under my feet. Look! She's laughing! - Mrs Hobday. Do come in. - l can't stop, my dear. l've just come by to bring you the good news. Mr Bistlethwaite, who brings the milk, you know? He's promised to take the children in! He and his wife have got that farm. Just the place for growing children. Put a bit of colour back in their cheeks. Why, what's the matter? l thought you'd be pleased. You told me yourself that you had no time to take care of children. Circumstances have changed somewhat. We got a dad now. Mr Browne. - Paul! - Miss Price, is this true? Of course. You do want him to stay with us, don't you, Miss Price? l suppose l hadn't really thought about it. What about him? What do you say about it, Mr Browne? lt's all rather sudden! l don't quite know what to say. Then l'll leave you two to talk it over. l'll come back in the morning! Good night! lt is true, Mr Browne. You are going to be our father now, aren't you? We are rather rushing things, aren't we? Perhaps Mr Browne has other things besides you children to think about. Yes. As a matter of fact l should have left ages ago. l must get a train back to London tonight. lt's rather an important matter. l'd like to tell you about it, but it's a little bit hush-hush. Sort of a secret. Well... if... lf l've been any sort of help to you, l'm pleased. You've been immensely kind. Thank you. l've enjoyed being with you. Perhaps it's been good for all of us. Will you be coming back? Some day, my dear. l certainly hope that we shall meet again. Some day. When all this war business is over. - l see. - Perhaps l shall realise my dream. Eglantine and Emelius: illusionists extraordinary! Just think how that will look on the poster. The children are going to miss you. - You really think they will? - Yes. Well, l shall miss you. All of you. lf l don't go now you might never get rid of me. Goodbye, Carrie. - Must you really go? - l think it's best for everybody. - Goodbye, Paul. - l think you should be our father. Goodbye, Charlie. Do you want me to come down to the station with you? No, no. You stay here and look after everybody. - Goodbye, Miss Price. - Goodbye, Mr Browne. - When is the next train to London? - Lord bless ye, ain't no train. Not until milk job, - Mind if l await it here? - Suit yourself. Good night, sir. Good night. Out you go, Cosmic. Hello? Emelius Browne, do you know you could be warm and cosy in that house at this very moment? For once in your useless life, you really seem to have been needed. You're a failure, Emelius Browne, and a coward. No, Frulein, this is not the invasion, just a little exercise. A minor raid to induce panic and to spread a little mischief. When you English get it through your head that the German forces can land whenever and wherever we please, perhaps you will consider reasonable peace. Not bloody likely! Go on, Miss Price. Do it to him. l must say, it's very tempting. Colonel, how would you feel about being turned into a white rabbit? l said, how would you feel about being turned into a white rabbit? Be quiet, please. Filigree, apogee, epogee... - Not again! - Your memory, Miss Price. Would you kindly fetch my notebook from the workroom? Righto. Silence! We have work to do. l am sorry, but l must send all of you some place where you will no longer be a nuisance. As the words sell the tune And the moonbeams the moon All I need to succeed in my plan Is a champion rare with a flourish and a flair Eglantine! Where's the spell for rabbits? The easiest of all, she said. Confound it, can't women ever learn to file things properly? Here it is. Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perigee. That's it. Filigree... apogee, pedigree, perigee. Come along. For once in your life, you've got to believe in something. That's it. Good lad. Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perigee. What's the use of putting us in that draughty castle? lt's quite chilly. The colonel believes when a British female decides to become a nuisance, she can become the greatest nuisance in the world, and l'm inclined to agree with him. You need a lesson in manners. lf l had my notebook, l'd make certain you'd learn a few. Jumping Jehosophat! More Jerries! Take it easy, can't you? - Try holding your breath. - l am holding it. We could strip him down and grease him with soap. No, it's no good. We can't do it. l could have told you that in the first place. lf we can't get Paul out we'll just have to think of something else. What about that spell that makes things move about? - But l'd need weapons. - How about all these things? l'm afraid they're a bit ancient. - Where did this come from? - lt's Mr Browne! He's on his way to London. Mr Browne? lf you are Mr Browne, would you get off my lap? lt is Mr Browne! lt is you! You didn't think that l could do that spell, did you? l am glad to see you! But what about all these Germans? What's wrong with the substitutiary locomotion spell? - That ought to be useful. - lt isn't ready yet. - You saw what happened. - We have to chance it. We can't let these so-and-sos get away with their beastly little raid. Won't you get up off the floor? We'll go to work. - Jolly good luck, my dear. - Thank you. Let's hope you haven't forgotten the spell. - Not this time. - Found this in the castle. Probably not magic, but it might make you feel more at home. Thank you. That was very thoughtful of you. Let's get out of Miss Price's way. Treguna... mekoides... trecorum... satis dee. Look! Sound the advance! Just in time for the kick-off. Steady on the left. Victory for England and St George! Like a Lord Mayor's show! Pikemen, hold your distance. Treguna mekoides and trecorum satis dee Blimey! - Where's it coming from? - Sounds like the sea road, sir. Come on, lads! After me. Good shooting, bowmen! Well caught, sir. Very good. Knock his block off! That's it! Mr Browne, make those children take cover! Are you still there, Colonel? l thought you'd be on your way by now. You see? Things may not be so easy for you after all. Goodbye, Colonel! Eglantine. Dear Mr Browne. - We thought they'd damaged you. - See? No one can hurt Miss Price. There they are, lads! l said something was afoot! All right. Drive them into the sea. Firing positions. Both sides. All right, men. Hold your fire. l think we've taught the Hun a lesson. He'll think twice before coming back here again. lt's tragic. All your spells, your equipment. All gone. Still, l was able to perform some small service first. That mean you ain't gonna be a witch no more? Never? No, Paul. l realised some time ago that l could never be a proper witch. Was it that first magic moment when you laid eyes on me? No. lt was the day my poisoned dragon's liver arrived. l knew that anyone who felt the way l did about poisoned dragon's liver had no business being a witch. - Certain you're doing the right thing? - Well, l think so. lt's much too dangerous being a civilian. Take care of yourself, guv. l'll do that. And l'll be back before you've grown an inch taller. - We'll be together again. - Sounds like you have an escort. Well, here we go. - Permission to move off, sir. - Carry on, sergeant. Parade, by the right, quick march! Suppose that's it. We ain't gonna have no fun no more. Still got this, ain't l?


 * [A British Army officer's car stops at a junction on a country road where an elderly man is painting over signposts.]
 * Captain Greer: You there!  Which way to Pepperinge Eye?
 * Elderly Man: Couldn't say, sir—said on the wireless to paint out the signposts in case the Nazis drop in.
 * Captain Greer: I'm not a Nazi, I'm a British officer!
 * Elderly Man: That's what you say if you was a Nazi, isn't it sir?


 * [Miss Price has just arrived on an old motorbike, emitting blasts of yellow smoke. After she has gone, the two army officers begin to speak.]
 * Captain Greer: Who is that?
 * General Teagler: Miss Price—splendid woman. Her late father served with me at Vimy Ridge.
 * Captain Greer: What's she burning in this thing?—It smells a bit like sulphur.
 * General Teagler: Nonsense! One can't make a motor fuel out of sulphur!


 * Carrie: Who else lives here?
 * Miss Price: I live alone— it suits my purposes.


 * Miss Price: Supper is at six. You will wash, thoroughly—
 * Charlie: Wash?!
 * Miss Price: You will wash yourselves, otherwise there will be no supper, is that clear?
 * [Miss Price leaves the room.]
 * Charlie: A house of horrors, that's what we've come to.


 * [Charlie notices an odd bottle on a shelf in Miss Price's office.]
 * Charlie: Poisoned dragon's liver?!
 * Miss Price: Poisoned dragon's liver.
 * Paul: Do you poison the dragon or just the liver?
 * Miss Price: It comes prepared. It's part of the school equipment.


 * Stallkeeper: The snippers that clipped old King Edward's cigars.
 * Mr. Browne: Made in Hong Kong—two bob a dozen, I'd say.


 * Paul: I liked you better as a rabbit, Charlie
 * Charlie: Shut up, you!


 * Charlie: Don't they have no rules?
 * Paul: Of course they do. The king makes them up as they go.


 * [as Secretary Bird sees that King Leonidas' star necklace is missing, he reacts, then stutters, and points]
 * King Leonidas: [growls] Stop jibbering. [hits Secretary Bird on the head] What's the matter with you?
 * Secretary Bird: [blubbing] Your Royal Star! They've stolen your royal star!
 * King Leonidas: [laughs] Don't be ridiculous. What do you think this is? [dangles a whistle in front of Secretary Bird, who blows on it, and when he sees the whistle, King Leonidas realizes and roars so loudly, that blows Secretary Bird's clothes off] WHYYYYYYYY DIDDDDDN'T YOUUUUUUUUUUUU SAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!!


 * Paul: Is this London?
 * Carrie: 'Course it is. Can't you smell that lovely sooty air?


 * Mr. Browne: I found the door open, the curtains closed—the house was deserted.
 * Miss Price: Why on earth would someone do a thing like that?
 * Mr. Browne: I would say this may have something to do with it… [gestures toward an unexploded bomb]
 * Miss Price: Merciful heavens! I should be terrified at the very idea of living here.
 * Mr. Browne: You would have thought so, wouldn't you? I am, by nature, a little bit of a coward—but then I pondered, as I often do: in the perverse nature of things, this diabolical object is probably the best friend I ever had. It has enabled me for the first time in my life to live like a king. Shall we go in?


 * Charlie: Why d'you keep the curtains closed?
 * Mr. Browne: So we can enjoy our cheese and wine in the gentle glow of candlelight.
 * Charlie: I bet it's so the coppers won't catch you hiding out here.


 * Paul: What is this—a toyshop?
 * Carrie: No, it's a nursery. Ain't you ever seen a nursery?
 * Charlie: [to Carrie] No, and neither have you.


 * [Miss Price is searching in Mr. Browne's library, standing on a ladder attached to a rail on the high shelves.]
 * Mr. Browne: What's your name?
 * Miss Price: [disinterestedly] Miss Price.
 * Mr. Browne: No, I mean your first name.
 * Miss Price: Eglantine.
 * Mr. Browne: Eglantine...Eglantine... [He pushes the ladder upon which Miss Price is standing along the rail, startling her.]  Oh, how you shine!


 * Miss Price: [reading from the book she has found at last] Ah! "Substitutiary locomotion. The ancient art of..."  [She reads for a few moments in a whisper.] Ah! Here we are: "The spell which creates this force is five mystic words. These words are—" [She pauses incredulously, and turns over the tattered leaves of the book.] ...But the rest of the book is missing!
 * Mr. Browne: Now you see why I closed down the college.


 * Mr. Browne: I will cause the bed and all its occupants to disappear.
 * Bookman: Disappear? I'd like to see a cheap jack entertainer do a trick like that.
 * Mr. Browne: Cheap jack entertainer. Now that was naughty.


 * [Miss Price's belongings inadvertently come to life after she recites an ancient magical spell. Mr. Browne begins to dance with a nightdress.]
 * Miss Price: That's my nightgown!
 * Mr. Browne: Is it really, my dear?
 * Miss Price: Yes, and I'm not responsible for its behavior.
 * Mr. Browne: Obviously not, my dear.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Miss Price and the children are being held captive in her house by German soldiers.]
 * Colonel: No, fraulein, this is not the invasion. Just a little excercise. A minor raid to induce panic and to spread a little mischef. When you English get it through your head that the German forces can land at will whenever and wherever we please, perhaps you will consider a reasonable peace.
 * Charlie: Not bloody likely!
 * Paul: Go on, Miss Price. Do it to him.
 * Miss Price: I must say, it's very tempting. Colonel, how would you feel about being turned into a nice white rabbit? [The colonel speaks German to a soldier, ignoring Miss Price] I said, how would you feel about being turned into a nice white rabbit?
 * [Paul smiles]
 * Colonel: Be quiet, please.
 * [Miss Price stands up, points at the Colonel, but cannot remember the correct words to the incantation]
 * Miss Price: Filigree, apogee, epigee...!
 * Charlie: Not again.
 * Carrie: Your memory, Miss Price.
 * Miss Price: Charles, would you kindly fetch me my notebook from the workroom, please?
 * Charlie: Righto.
 * [He attempts to run, but a German officer restrains Charlie. Miss Price and Paul attempt to retrieve Charlie in much commotion. The colonel, annoyed, turns to them]
 * Colonel: SILENCE!! [The commotion stops] Fraulein, we have work to do. I am sorry, but I must send all of you someplace where you will no longer be a nuisance. [Speaks an order in German and continues working]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Paul: That's not a rabbit— that's Mr. Browne, that is!
 * Miss Price: If you are Mr. Browne, would you kindly get down off my lap?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Carrie tries on some elaborate jewellery at a market stall and admires herself in a mirror.]
 * Stallkeeper: Who do you think you are, the Queen of Sheba?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Charlie: Hurt your foot, Miss Price?
 * Miss Price: Oh, just twisted my ankle.
 * Charlie: Sorry to hear that.
 * Miss Price: Thank you. It's nothing serious.
 * Charlie: Lovely weather for flying last night.
 * [heavy pause]
 * Miss Price: Why did you say that, Charles?
 * Charlie: [bringing out her broken broomstick] Game's up, Miss Price. We know what you are.