Out of Commission

(Episode begins with Mordecai and Rigby driving the golf cart in the park. They are jamming to music as they begin to laugh.)

Rigby: Aw, yeah. Listen to that engine purr! Thanks to the cart, we picked up this manure in record time.

Mordecai: Yeah, dude. With this cart, there's no lame job Benson can give us that we can't handle. Hey, speaking of jobs, we're late for the staff meeting.

Rigby: Punch it.

(Mordecai steps on the gas, and they yell excitedly. They drive up to Benson, who doesn't look happy)

Benson: Oh, look who decided to show up.

Mordecai and Rigby: Sorry, Benson.

(They take their place on the steps)

Benson:  (annoyed) As I was saying, I crunched the numbers and the park has extra money this year. Mordecai and Rigby, you can take this hunk of junk to the dump.

Mordecai and Rigby: Wuh?

Benson: 'Cause I bought us this.

(Shows them the Smarten Karten as the screen cuts to it) 

Benson (contiuned): Say guten tag to the Smarten Karten.

Smarten Karten: (Voice) Guten tag.

(Everyone jeers and heads to the new cart, much to Mordecai and Rigby's disappointment)

Benson: Modern, sophisticated, powerful. These are three adjectives used to describe this miracle of German engineering.

Skips: Whoa! This thing has 100 horsepower!

Pops: A device that holds beverages.

(He laughs)

Muscle Man: (Gasps) No way! A butt warmer!

(Presses the 'seat warmer' button and relaxes. Pops laughs again.)

Mordecai: Who needs all that stuff?

(He and Rigby rush over to the old cart) 

Mordecai (continued): Here are a few words to describe the cart. Reliable, uh, classic...

(Mordecai sniffs it and immediately becomes grossed out)

Mordecai: Won't smell like manure later.

Rigby: These seats are vintage simulated vinyl.

Mordecai:  And look at these classic details.

Benson: Those are stickers.

Mordecai: Dude, Benson, the cart's been at the park forever. It's like a member of the family.

Rigby: It's the eighth worker of the park.

Benson: That cart's engine is on its last legs. It's releasing noxious gas fumes into the air.

Rigby: We're not taking Muscle Man to the dump and he releases noxious fumes all the time!

(Hearing this makes Muscle Man try to charge at them, only for HFG to stop him)

High Five Ghost: No! He's not worth it.

Benson: Guys, guys. I know you've had a lot of good times in that cart. But it's not cost effective. Who's gonna pay the bills for it?

Mordecai: We'll pay 'em.

Benson: So, you'll pay the gas bill.

Mordecai: Done.

Benson: And the repair bills. Not to mention insurance, tags, and the occasional tetanus shot.

Rigby: Pfff!

Benson: Okay.

Mordecai: Uh...

(Benson hands them lots of paper, and one of them has a total of 2,000 dollars)

Mordecai and Rigby: $2,000?!

Benson: That's right. Paid in full every month for the rest of your life.

Mordecai: (Dejectedly) You've made your point.

Benson: Now take the cart to the dump by the end of the day or you're fired!

(Mordecai and Rigby are parked up at the airport drinking sodas. They see an airplane come in. Mordecai sighs.')

Mordecai: We'd better get going to the dump.

Rigby: It's not fair, man. It's not fair to the cart!

Mordecai: Dude, I love the cart too. But we can't afford to keep it. Now let's pour one out on the hood, for old cart's sake.

Rigby: Word.

(They shed tears and pour soda on the cart. it goes through the engine, causing it to electrocute.)

Mordecai and Rigby: Huh?

(They jump out and back away as the cart appears to come to life.)

Cart: Woah.

(It moves around a little.)

Cart (continued): Is this what it's like to be conscious?

(Mordecai and Rigby are stunned.)

Mordecai: How is this possible?

(Rigby looks at the soda. It is called "Thunder Jolt X: 10x the Caffeine".)

Rigby: Woah.

(They walk up to Cart.)

Mordecai: This is awesome.

Cart: I am happy also, entity Mordecai and entity Rigby.

Mordecai: Dude, you know us. Call us Mordecai and Rigby.

Rigby: Don't you have a name?

Cart: Well, according to the writing on my insides, it's Hecho. Hech en Mexico.

Rigby: We'll just call you Cart.

Cart: Wow, my first nickname! A lotta good that'll do me now that you have to take me to the dump.

(He turns away from them.)

Cart: I've only been alive for 30 seconds and I already know that life is cruel. And to think, I've still never felt a delicate touch of a lady cart.

Rigby: I can't stand it!

(Cart turns back to the guys.)

Mordecai: Cart, you deserve better than this.

Rigby: Before you go to the dump, we'll take you to experience all the thing you never got to do.

(They go into Cart.)

Cart: Wow, you'd do that? For old cart's sake?

Mordecai: Yeah, dude. For old cart's sake.

Mordecai and Rigby: Hmm hmm hmm hmm!

Mordecai: So what do you wanna do first, Cart?

Cart: Well...

(Cart plays his radio and straps Mordecai and Rigby in. They scream as he spins a donut and they drive off. As the music plays, a montage begins. At a concert, Cart appears on the stage and Mordecai and Rigby cheer him on with the crowd. He then gets crowd surfed all the way to the end of the crowd, to which Mordecai and Rigby hi five. At a bridge, Cart is connected to a cord and he bungee jumps off it. At a tattoo shop, Cart gets a tattoo with a US Flag, eagle and his name. Later, Mordecai and Rigby hook him up to a red Volkswagon New Beetle. They then take him to Cheezers, where they decide to orderr in. Cart goes inside after them, dismantling the door. They are now seen enjoying Cheezers together while the door is being repaired.)

Mordecai: I gotta say, Cart, you're a pretty cool guy.

Cart: Heh. Rigby back at ya, Brodecai.

Benson: (via walkie talkie) Mordecai, Rigby, are you there?

(Cart snickers.)

Cart: Dude, dude! Answer in a French accent.

Mordecai: What? No way. (to Benson) Hey, Benson.

Cart: Wa-wa-wait. Tell him we just picked up his mama!

(He snickers again, and Rigby joins him. Mordecai punches Rigby.)

Mordecai: Dude, shut up!

Benson: (via walkie talkie) You guys were due back hours ago.

Mordecai: Sorry, we-

Benson: (via walkie talkie) I don't care! Get back here or you're fired!

(Mordecai sighs.)

Mordecai: Alright. We better head to the dump.

(Cart is no longer with them.)

Rigby: Where's Cart?

Mordecai: Ah, what?! Did he ditch us?!

Rigby: Oh no! This is just like that time Benson had us take care of his dog, then we took the dog to Cheezers and then the dog ran away!

(Cart is seen near the trash can.)

Mordecai: Wait. There he is.

(They walk over to him.)

Mordecai (continued): Cart, what are you doing?

Cart: Sorry, guys. I was just throwing away our trash. Kinda like how you're gonna throw me away. You know, at the dump?

Mordecai: Come on, Cart, it's not like that.

Cart: Is that all I am? Just a...used up old taco wrapper?

(Mordecai sighs. Cart turns to the guys.)

Cart (continued): You know what'd make me feel better?

Mordecai: What?

Cart: If I could get a view of the sunset.

(Rigby points at the sunset.)

Rigby: Yeah! That sunset is prime send-off material. Let's goooooooooooo.

Mordecai: I don't know.

Cart: Come on buddy, just one more drive. For old cart's sake?

(Mordecai sighs.)

Mordecai: I can't say no to that face.

(Cut to the three watching the sunset on a rooftop.)

Cart: Wow, it's....magnificent. Just seeing such beauty gives meaning to me short life, an even shorter life as a sentient being. I really feel at peace.

Mordecai: That's great, dude. Alright, let's get going.

(They try to get into Cart but he drives away from them.)

Cart: Y-You know, I've never been to a..a, a car wash. Yeah.

Mordecai: But we washed you all the time!

Cart: No, I mean a real car wash. Look, I know you wouldn't understand because you aren't a golf cart, but, I don't wanna go without experiencing this.

Rigby: But we'll get soaked!

Cart: Yeah, well I'm getting crushed. Seems like the least you could do, with me being crushed and all.

(Mordecai and Rigby feel guilty. Scene cuts to the City Car Wash, where Cart is passing through while Moredcai and Rigby are soaped, soaked and dried. They exit the car wash.)

Cart (continued): Thanks so much, guys. It really means a lot to me.

(Mordecai and Rigby come out of Cart.)

Cart (continued): And now that I'm clean, I'm ready for my final wish.

Rigby: Aw, what? You said the "last thing" was the last thing!

Cart: I promise this is it. One last wish, for old cart's sake.

Mordecai: Okay, fine. But that's it.

(Cart spins a donut.)

Cart: Nice! Let's gooooooooo!

(Mordecai and Rigby go back in.)

Rigby: Where to, exactly?

Cart: You'll see.

(They drive off. Cut to a resturant where bikes are parked.)

Cart (continued): Seriously, you dudes are gonna love this.

Mordecai: Family Restaurant?

Rigby: Why is everything in quotes?