The Empathy Optimization


 * Penny: Hey, so I saw a movie trailer the other day. How could Batman possibly fight Superman? I mean, isn't that dumb?
 * Bernadette: Maybe he uses Kryptonite.
 * Emily: Well, Batman's got a lot of money. Maybe he builds a suit that can do everything Superman can do.
 * Penny: No, no, no, no, no. I've seen that movie. It's called Iron Man.
 * Leonard: (quietly): What is happening?
 * Howard: I don't know.
 * Raj: But it's beautiful.
 * Penny: And now Ben Affleck is Batman?
 * Emily: Oh, he was great in Shakespeare in Love.
 * Bernadette: Ooh, we should watch that next girls' night. We could do a double feature with the Leonardo DiCaprio Romeo + Juliet.
 * Penny: Oh, I love me some Leo.
 * Leonard: And it's gone.
 * Sheldon: Oh, hello, everyone. I am happy to report I'm feeling much better.
 * Leonard: Good for you.
 * (muttering)
 * Sheldon: My fever is gone, my sinuses are pressure-free, and my mucus is as clear as a Yosemite waterfall.
 * (Penny looks disgusted for a second)
 * Howard: Glad to hear it.
 * Sheldon: I'll be able to return to work tomorrow.
 * Raj: Yay.
 * Sheldon: Well, why isn't everyone happy? Your little ray of sunshine is ready to beam again.
 * Penny: You really don't know why?
 * Sheldon: No. But I knew that his “yay” was sarcastic. Not bad for a guy whose last bowel movement sounded like rain on a roof.
 * Leonard: Let me refresh your memory.


 * Sheldon: Penny, rub Vicks on my chest.
 * Penny: (she's really cross) Sheldon, I cooked you breakfast. I made your bed. I checked your mouth for thrush. You can rub your own chest.
 * Sheldon: Oh, sure, grope every other male on the planet, but draw the line with me.


 * Bernadette: I brought you a little care package from work. It's our latest antiviral and the best decongestant we make.
 * Sheldon: I hope laughter is the best medicine, 'cause this care package is a joke.
 * (Bernadette is now slightly disgusted by this)
 * Howard: (he starts to tell Sheldon off) Hey, she came all the way here... (Sheldon sneezes)
 * Bernadette: (she's suggesting to Howard crossly) You're gonna want to take these with food.


 * Raj: Sheldon, stop being a baby and let Emily take a look at you.
 * Sheldon: She's a dermatologist.
 * Emily: (she's telling Sheldon crossly) I went to medical school.
 * Sheldon: Well, in that case, try removing the irritating patch of brown skin standing next to you.
 * (Emily is now completely shocked by this)


 * Leonard: All right, here you go.
 * Sheldon: Leonard, I'm dying.
 * Leonard: You're not dying. It's just the flu.
 * Sheldon: I asked for chicken noodle. This is chicken and stars. It's killing me.


 * Sheldon: I never did get that chicken noodle, did I?


 * [Scene of Skype ringing in Sheldon's bedroom]
 * Amy: Hi, Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: Hello.
 * Amy: Are you feeling any better?
 * Sheldon: Physically yes, but I’m upset because everybody’s mad at me for no good reason.
 * Amy: Why don’t you tell me what happened, and in a gentle, loving way, I’ll explain to you why you’re wrong.
 * Sheldon: You know how when you’re sick and you’re allowed to be cranky and say whatever you want and other people’s feelings don’t matter?
 * Amy: Ooo. Gentle and loving – this is gonna be tricky.
 * Sheldon: I had a 101 fever. If that’s not the time to verbally abuse my loved ones, when is?
 * Amy: Sheldon, when your sick you can be…unbearable. That’s why your friends have been known to work late or sneak out to the movies or stay at a neurobiology conference three days after its ended.
 * Sheldon: You stayed in Michigan all week to avoid being around me?
 * Amy: No, no, not just that! I mean…Detroit is beautiful when it’s sleeting.
 * Sheldon: You know, I’m not the only one who’s unpleasant when he’s sick. When Penny got food poisoning, she threw up so loudly I could barely hear the television.
 * Amy: Oh, I just heard something. Might be hail, might be gunfire. Either way, I’m gonna take pictures. Bye.


 * Amy: Hi, Sheldon. What’s new?
 * Sheldon: Our friends are jerks, and I’m mad at all of them.
 * Amy: I said, “What’s new?”, but sure.
 * Sheldon: Can you believe they planned a trip to Las Vegas and didn’t invite me?
 * Amy: Did you refuse to apologize and act like they were stupid for being mad?
 * Sheldon: You know, I liked it better when there was still a little mystery left in our relationship.
 * Amy: Everyone tried to take care of you, and you were nothing but mean to them.
 * Sheldon: I can’t believe you’re not on my side. I was on your side when someone stole your car radio.
 * Amy: Who else’s side could you have been on?
 * Sheldon: I don’t know. A music loving hobo with a heat of gold?
 * Amy: Sheldon, I understand that you’re upset because you feel left out, but I don’t know why we’re even talking about this. Just apologize to them.
 * Sheldon: Fine, If that what takes to go on their dumb trip.
 * Amy: Maybe you should try apologizing because you actually feel bad. It’s called empathy. It’s something you could work on.
 * Sheldon: I have empathy. Watch. [Nastily] Leonard made me soup and I was mean to him.
 * Amy: Great. Now try as if it isn’t your first day as a person.
 * Sheldon: Fine. [Flatly} Leonard made me soup and I was mean to him. Hey, I felt a little something. Let me try it again. Leonard made me soup and I was mean to him. I was mean to him. He must have felt terrible. Oh, now I feel terrible. Neat.
 * Amy: Glad I could help.
 * Sheldon: Now let me see you feel bad for lying and staying in Detroit longer than you needed to.
 * Amy: [Flatly.] I feel so, so bad.
 * Sheldon: Hey, we’re both great at this.


 * Sheldon: Howard and Bernadette, you tried to comfort me when I was ill, and I treated you terribly. I'm sorry.
 * Howard: Wow. (chuckles) I'm impressed.
 * Sheldon: No, no, no, wait. I'm not done. Allow me to underscore my sentiment with a haunting rendition of Brenda Lee's “I'm Sorry” played on the pan flute.
 * Bernadette: Forgiven, forgiven!
 * Howard: Apology accepted!
 * Sheldon: All right, that's eight hours of practice down the drain.
 * (Bernadette is now very cross by Sheldon's remark)
 * Sheldon: And to memorialize this occasion, here are your commemorative T-shirts.
 * Howard: Sheldon Cooper apologized to me
 * Bernadette: And he made it all better. (camera clicks)


 * Sheldon: All you did was offer maternal care and affection, and all you received in return was rude and insensitive behavior.
 * Penny: Can this wait?
 * Sheldon: I'm afraid it can't. The trip is tomorrow. And I have more apologies to make.
 * Penny: Okay, fine, I accept your apology, now get out!
 * Sheldon: Wonderful. would you mind holding up this shirt while I take a quick...?
 * Penny: Leonard!


 * Sheldon: You brought me my comic books when I wasn't feeling well. That-that was thoughtful. And I was insensitive. I'm sorry.
 * Stuart: Thank you, Sheldon. I appreciate that.
 * Sheldon: And I want you to know that I mean it, you know? This isn't me just wanting to go on the trip to Las Vegas.
 * Stuart: What trip to Las Vegas?
 * Sheldon: The one everyone's taking this weekend on the party bus.
 * Stuart: Of course, I wasn't invited.
 * Sheldon: That would be my understanding. On a less painful subject, what size T-shirt do you take?


 * Sheldon: Raj, you were being a good friend, and my illness was no excuse for my behavior. I hope that you can accept my apology.
 * Raj: Of course I do.
 * Sheldon: And, Emily, I'm sorry for saying dermatologists aren't real doctors. And I'm sure you're tired of hearing that.
 * Emily: Do you honestly think I hear that a lot?
 * Sheldon: Well, I would imagine when your job is popping zits and squirting Botox into old lady faces...
 * Raj: Okay! Okay, the point is that we accept your apology.
 * Emily: Uh, maybe you do. He just insulted me again.
 * Raj: Yeah, but he doesn't mean it.
 * Emily: Why are you defending him?
 * Sheldon: (stammers) I believe I can answer that. Uh, like me, Raj is demonstrating empathy. Now, why don't you accept my apology, receive your free T-shirt, uh-- I hope extra small is okay. For some reason Wolowitz took a medium.
 * Emily: Well, I don't accept your apology.
 * Raj: What are you doing?
 * Emily: It's called standing up for myself. You should try it some time.
 * Raj: Fine, how about this? You're making me uncomfortable by prolonging this ridiculous fight, and I wish you'd stop.
 * Emily: Oh, you want me to stop? No problem.
 * Raj: No, come on, please don't leave! (Sheldon stammers)
 * Sheldon: Point of clarification-- are you still going on the trip? Because if not...
 * Emily: Don't worry, you're good.
 * Sheldon: I caused that fight, I feel terrible. (stammers) Wait, I can do that better... I caused that fight. I feel terrible. Yeah, wow, I don't know which one I like more.


 * Howard: Ooh, check out the stripper pole.
 * Bernadette: You know what that means.
 * Leonard: That Raj'll be on it before we make it to the freeway?
 * Raj: You know it! (whooping)
 * Bernadette: This is so cool.
 * Penny: Here's some champagne! Mm-hmm.
 * Leonard: Well, I would like to propose a toast to a well-deserved weekend of...
 * Sheldon: Aha!
 * (all scream)
 * Leonard: (asking Sheldon crossly) What are you doing?!
 * Sheldon: My plan was to jump out at the state line, but one of my nose plugs fell into the toilet.
 * Penny: (she's very cross with Sheldon) You couldn't give us just one weekend?
 * Stuart: I told him this was a bad idea.
 * Leonard: What do we do-- kick them off?
 * Penny: If we drop them off at a fire station, they have to take them; no questions asked.
 * Sheldon: Before you do, please give me one more chance to apologize to Emily.
 * Raj: (so fed up) Oh, God.
 * Sheldon: Emily, as I'm sure you know, I'm considered an odd fellow. But what you don't know is that, while I often say the wrong thing, in my heart I mean well. I think that you are a smart and wonderful woman, you know? And we all think that you can do better than Koothrappali.
 * Raj: You know, Sheldon...
 * Emily: Shh, let him finish.
 * Sheldon: So, for all the times I've offended you and all the times that I'll offend you in the future, I'm sorry.
 * Emily: Thank you.
 * Sheldon: Good. Then I'll be leaving now.
 * Emily: Oh, it's okay, Sheldon. Come with us.
 * Sheldon: Oh, that's very kind of you. But I'm sure you'll all have a better time without me. Let's go, Stuart.
 * Stuart: But I want to stay.
 * Sheldon: Stuart, now!


 * Emily: You know, I know he's a jerk, but I actually feel bad for him.
 * Penny: And now you see the problem.


 * Leonard: Come on, you pain in the ass!
 * Sheldon: That's me! Bye, Stuart.
 * Stuart: Wait! I'm a pain in the ass, too!


 * Sheldon: Are you relieved that you and Raj were able to patch things up?
 * Emily: At the moment? No, not really.
 * Penny: Shake it, baby!
 * Bernadette: (whoops) Work that thing!