The Date Night Variable


 * Stuart: So Howard is really in space?
 * Leonard: International space station... 250 miles away that way (points up).
 * Raj: Right now Howard's staring down on our planet like a tiny Jewish-Greek god... Zeus-o-Witz.
 * Sheldon: I must admit, I can't help but feel a twinge of envy... he can look out the window and watch the majesty of the universe unfolding before his eyes... His dim, uncomprehending eyes. It's like a cat in a airport carrying case.


 * Bernadette (on webcam): (out of vision) Howie? Howie?
 * Howard: Hey, there’s my beautiful bride. Can you see me?
 * Bernadette: I can. How are you?
 * Howard: I’m amazing. I mean, this is even better than I dreamed. I look out the window, and it’s all so unbelievable.
 * Bernadette: (out of vision) Good for you. (Scene of Bernadette on Skype) I just had a seemingly endless dinner with your mom.
 * Howard: Oh, yeah? That’s nice.
 * Bernadette: It was. Until I found out you never told her we’re not gonna live with her. Let’s talk about that for a minute.
 * Howard: Hey, look, this pen is floating. How crazy is that?
 * Bernadette: You said you told her, but you never did!
 * Howard: Okay, okay, I know you’re upset, but let me share something I’ve learned since I got here. You realize how small your problems are when you’re looking down on them from space. Now, come on, that’s got to make you feel better.
 * Bernadette: (asking him crossly) How clear is the image of me on that screen?
 * Howard: Pretty clear.
 * Bernadette: (very cross) Do I look like I feel better?
 * Howard: I mean, it’s not, like, HD quality.
 * Bernadette: (smiling crossly) Listen, mister, you’re gonna talk to your mother and you’re gonna fix this, or that thing I said I was gonna do to you the minute you got home, you can do to yourself.
 * Dimitri: Like he’s been doing since he got here.
 * (Howard looks at Dimitri floating to the walls)


 * Amy: Oh yes, according to our Relationship Agreement, on the anniversary of our first date, he must take me to a nice dinner, ask about my day, and engage in casual physical contact that a disinterested onlooker might mistake as intimacy.
 * Penny: That's hot. You kids better use protection.


 * Raj: You guys are like family to me, you know that, right?
 * Leonard: That's great! Get out.


 * Amy: You and I are done! (stands up and walk away)
 * Sheldon: You can't leave! I need you.
 * Amy: You do?
 * Sheldon: Yes....you're my ride.


 * Amy: Have I ever told you you're like a sexy praying mantis?
 * Sheldon: Every time you drink alcohol.


 * Mrs. Wolowitz: HOWAAAHD! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!​
 * Howard: I can hear you WITHOUT THE PHONE!
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: Don’t be snippy. I’m just excited to talk to my baby.
 * Howard: I’m excited to talk to you, too.
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: So, what’s this mishegas about you moving out to go live with the little Polish girl?
 * Howard: How about calling her my wife?
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: Wives don’t take boys from their mothahs.
 * Howard: They do. That’s why we marry them.
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: I just hope I’m not dead from a broken heart before you get back.
 * Howard: Ma, please. Everyone from NASA is listening to this phone call.
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: Good. They should know what a horrible son you ah.
 * Howard: Okay, Ma, great talking to you. Gotta go. (hangs up space phone.) Well, space is ruined.


 * Amy: Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done.
 * Sheldon: All right. Please. Amy, when I look into your eyes and you're looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal, because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don't know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.
 * Amy: Sheldon, that was beautiful.
 * Sheldon: I should hope so. That's from the first Spider-Man movie.
 * Amy: I'll take it.


 * Bernadette: (out of vision) Aw, that’s such good news, Howie. Thank you for telling her.
 * Howard: Hey, I’m a grown man. I’m gonna live with my wife. My mother’s just gonna have to learn to make do on her own.
 * Bernadette: Was she upset?
 * Howard: Who can tell? She yells everything. She might have been upset. She might have been hungry.
 * Bernadette: Thanks for fixing it. I love you.
 * Howard: I love you, too. Sweet dreams. I’ll talk to you tomorrow?
 * Bernadette: Good night, Rocket Man.
 * Howard: To infinity and beyond, baby.
 * Dimitri: Loops. You realize you just lied your ass off to your wife and your mother.
 * Howard: I know.
 * Dimitri: What are you gonna do when you get back to Earth?
 * Howard: Oh, I’m never going back.