Trust No One

1 All right, I'm in. I just have to locate the intel and I'll be out in less than five. You know, as long as no one stops Uh-oh. How y'all doin'? (Nervous laugh) I was just here to, you know, pay my electric bill. Can you guys, um, direct me to Accounts Payable? Okay, chill. Chill, all right? I was only a few days late. MEN: (Groan) Oh, look at that. Now your lights are out. Oh, man, did the DVR cut out? I hate when that happens. All right, fine. Okay, I'm sorry. They were on to me, I had no choice but to bolt. How could you completely fail your mission? Uh, wait. I'm still alive. So, technically, I didn't completely fail. I only half-failed. Which means I also half-succeeded. So, if you round up, one could argue that I completely succeeded. I want answers, KC. This was a simple mission. Says the guy who hasn't been on a field mission in, what, 50 years? Forty years? (Mouthing) All I'm saying is it wasn't my fault. - They knew I was coming. - How could they have known? This was a top secret mission. It was off the books! Off the books?! I swear they were reading a book called: KC Will Be Here At 6:15. Are you saying someone leaked information? Everyone out. Glad that's over. Not you. You stay. So you can apologize in private for yelling at me in front of everybody? Guess not. Oh, when danger comes for you You know I'll stand beside you 'Cause ain't nobody keep things hustle cool I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire Don't tell nobody, tell nobody I'm not perfect So many things I wanna tell you But I, I, I, I keep it undercover Livin' my life, no way to learn Doin' my thing, gonna make it work Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless But I always got your back Nobody can do it like I can I gotta find out who I am Ain't got to worry about me It's all part of the plan I keep it undercover. I keep it undercover. Are you suggesting there's a mole inside the Organization leaking classified information? No, you're suggesting there's a mole. My suggestion is next time you do an interrogation, you might wanna floss, 'cause you got enough spinach in your teeth to bake a quiche, my friend. Yeah. Noted. I'm putting you in charge of finding the mole. Wait, me? Yep, you better get on it right away. Okay, you got it, sir. But remember, trust no one. All right, but if I can't trust anyone, then how do I know I can trust you? - You can trust me! - Oh, really? 'Cause that sounds like something a mole would say. KC, do I look like a mole? I don't know. I've never seen one before. Or have I? Get out. Yes, sir. Or, yes, mole. (Groans) Agent Johnson just assigned me another top secret case. Guess I'll be doing all the work around here. I'm kidding. We all play an equally important role. All right? What would we do without Ray ruining our coffee every morning? Give it up for Ray, everybody! Yeah! Ray! Whoo! All right, well, I'm gonna head down to the Olive Pit all by myself and look over these highly-classified sought-after files. All right. Oh, um, Ray, that's actually a soil sample from the Fresno mission. It's not ground coffee, just ground. Hey, Ernie. Not that you asked, but I'm working at the school's pop-up clothing sale. We are selling gently used clothes to raise money for charity. Hmm. It's cool you decided to volunteer. Volunteer? More like volun-told. Vice Principal Wysocki is making me do it. Why? - I don't know, something about not paying attention in class. Honestly, I wasn't listening. Anyway, we need more guys' clothes and I don't wanna ask anyone I'm dating, have dated or might date, so that leaves you. Um what do you got? Well, since it's for charity, help yourself. Oh. Attention, everyone. Don't bother bringing anymore clothes to the pop-up sale, we now have Ernie's sweaty gym shorts! No need to get any closer, I'm sure you can smell them from where you are. Point taken! I'll check my dad's closet. He's got a couple coats he never wears. Okay, good. Oh, and since we need more menswear, you might wanna check KC's closet, too. (Glasses beep) Well, well, well. Look who we have here. Agents McKenzie and Garcia. - Oh, hey, girl. - Hey. I'm on to you. Do us a favor, KC, don't tell anyone you saw us here, we could get fired. Oh, no, no, no, you guys are gonna get more than fired. You two are going to prison, you lowlifes. Prison? Sure, agents aren't supposed to date each other, but what Johnson doesn't know won't hurt him. It's not like what we're doing is illegal. No, no, no. You two are here because I planted a seed that I had sensitive information and you two moles took the bait. The only crime committed here was when Agent McKenzie stole my heart. - Uh-uh-uh! Uh! - Oh! I don't believe any of that for a second! Now can you explain to me why $20,000 would be wired to your account and then withdrawn the next day? Yeah, that's right. I got information, my friend. Are you laundering money? Maybe funding a terrorist organization? Or perhaps you guys are lighting the cash on fire because you two are a couple of maniacs! Maniacs! (Sarcastic) Yeah, we're the maniacs. Not that it's any of your business, but my grandmother loaned me the money. And why would your grandmother loan you $20,000? (Sighs) To buy this. Was gonna wait till after dinner, but Lori will you marry me? No! You had to borrow money from your grandmother to buy a ring? Get back to me when you open a savings account. Hey, look, man, um just for future reference, pizza place? Not really the best place to pop the question. Craig: Kira! Kira: What?! Craig: Have you seen my brown coat? (Mouthing) Kira: What brown coat? Craig: My brown spy coat. The one with the built-in laser doohickey. Kira: It's in with your spy gear. Craig: I'm looking in my spy gear! I don't see it! Kira: Well, did you look on your stationary bike, or as I like to call it, "the pants tree"? Craig: (Laughs sarcastically ) It's not there. Kira: That coat better not be lost, Craig. It's a two-million-dollar gadget. Two-million-dollars?! Hey, son! Where you going? Uh school. It's 6:00. Never too late to learn. Kira! Kira: What? I love you, baby. Yeah, I'm still not helping you find that coat, Craig. Oh! I cannot sell you these jeans, Mrs. Crowmise. They are a crime against fashion and I will not be your accomplice! You shouldn't talk to your math teacher like that! Oh, it's okay, we're close. I've had her two years in a row. So far. Anyway, remember the brown coat I donated? I need it back. That coat is a two-million-dollar spy gadget. Seriously? Your dad owns a two-million-dollar coat? And he keeps a drawer full of old soy sauce packets? - Where is it? - I'm so sorry. I sold it to some guy this morning. Okay, I'm gonna need your security tapes. Entrances, exits, any surveillance you might have. Ernie, this is a pop-up sale. The only surveillance we have is Mrs. Eaton, who keeps browsing and never buys! Well, at least tell me what the guy looked like. (Scoffs) I don't know. He was He was round, he was wearing a red shirt. And, like, eating something sweet. You just described Winnie the Pooh. No I don't think that was him. KC: I'm telling you, it's the only way to find the mole. If you wanna know how evil thinks, you gotta talk to evil. Fine, I guess we have no choice. To get inside, you're gonna need the access code. (Clears throat) 11B4J27QR9TT. (Stammers) Dang, if you were that hungry I would've given you some peanut butter crackers from my backpack. KC, it's too important to have a paper trail. You need to memorize it. 11B4J27QR9TT. Okay. Yeah, no. I got it. Good, because it's far too sensitive to keep repeating it. You need me to say it again, don't you? (Scoffs) No. I am a professional international spy. All right. I think I can handle a code. Okay, then what's the code? - I know it starts with a one. - (Groans) No, no, I'm kidding. Kidding, all right? I got this. (Keypad beeps) - 9TS? - GT! 9GT! Hello, Zane. Long time, no see. Bernice, I'm glad they let you visit me. How's life? Must not be easy being stuck with KC's face. I am KC. Oh, yes. I see that now. Still, must not be easy being stuck with your face. What brings you all the way down here? Let me guess. You came to ask my permission for Brett's hand in marriage? (Chuckles) You're so old-fashioned. (Sarcastic chuckle) You're so delusional. Look, I came here 'cause I need information. And I need a bathroom with a door. I guess we're both out of luck. No, what you need is a better attitude, Mr. Stuck-in-the-poke-and- never-seen-the-light-of-day-the-rest-of-your-life. Fine. I would be happy to give you the information you require, Miss Disappointingly-average- teenage-spy-gotta-ask-her-family-nemesis-for-help. - Provided you give me something. - Sure. What is it? Paint supplies, so I can paint myself something to look at. (Scoffs) Really? I would have given you anything and that's what you choose? - And my freedom. - No, no, no. Too late. You already chose paints. Now, look. Someone is stealing information from the Organization, and I need to know how you would do it. Perhaps it's not being stolen. Perhaps you shared it with the wrong person. What are you talking about? No one even knows that I'm a spy. What about your blonde friend? The one who talks faster than she can think. Marissa? No. No. All of my secrets are safe with her. I mean, she never told anyone that I practiced kissing on my pillow. You didn't hear that. Think about it, KC. It's always the people that we trust the most. Husbands betray wives. Children lie to their parents. Friends spread rumors behind each other's backs. Maybe Marissa is selling your secrets for profit. (Inaudible dialogue) Hey. Hey, hey, hey, how are you? (Chuckles) Marissa, can I talk to you in private for a second? KC, what are you doing here? Zane was right, I can't trust you. Who is that guy and are you selling him my secrets? - He is my date. - Your date? Oh, so all of a sudden you have a boyfriend that you never even told me about? I didn't tell you because he's a freshman in college and I knew you'd give me a hard time 'cause I'm still in high school. No, Sean, Sean, Sean. Don't leave. I'm only technically in high school and I'm barely ever there! Thanks a lot, KC. Why are you spying on me? There's a mole in the Organization and sometimes I tell you highly classified information. You actually thought that I was selling your secrets? For your information, when you're telling me spy stuff, most of the time I'm just standing there quietly waiting for you to stop talking so I can start talking about myself again. I can't believe you. You're right, you're right. I'm sorry, okay? It was wrong, I should've never suspected you. But I am not sorry for ruining your date, because that guy's too old for you. I do not approve. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna have a little chitchat with a criminal. Oh, so I can't date someone a tiny bit older than me, but you can go hang out with criminals? That is a double standard, missy. Hey, at least I have standards. Well, she got me there. Ah, KC, what do you think of my painting? Well, it's a pretty good alien. It's a kitten. In that case, it stinks. You lied to me. Marissa isn't the mole. I'm taking the paints back. I didn't lie to you. I was simply illustrating a point. Well, you illustrate points about as well as you illustrate kittens. Now I need information. How do I find the mole? (Clicks tongue) Poor KC. She's not asking the right question. I meant what I said. It's always the ones closest to us that hurt us the most. So ask yourself, KC, who's closest to you? I don't know. Yes, you do. Think, KC. Who do you see every day? I don't know. Who knows your every move? I don't know! Who knows you better than you know yourself? Who knows you so well that you'd never suspect them? Even though they're right under your nose. My family! Okay? My family! I said it, but why would someone in my family want to sell me out? Well now you're finally starting to ask the right questions. KC, you okay, honey? You've hardly said a word since you got home. Yeah. I'm sure you'd love it if I just spilled all my secrets to you. Yes, I would. I mean, I like our mother-daughter talks. In fact, I like talking to everyone in this family. Craig: Kira! What do you want from me now?! I searched this house from top to bottom, somebody took my coat! Coat? Is there a coat missing? (Nervous chuckle) That's weird. Craig, nobody took your coat. Obviously, you lost it. I didn't lose it. The only thing I've ever lost was my place in line for those New Edition reunion tour concert ticket. 'Cause somebody didn't feel like standing anymore. My water broke, Craig. You know, if you didn't lose the coat, where is it? I mean, it's not like it just up and disappeared. Maybe it did! It is a spy jacket! You're right, Craig. And maybe it went on vacation. Maybe it booked a flight to Aruba for some R&R! Ohh! And we were fourth in line when your water broke. If you could've waited ten more minutes, I'd have had my tickets! Why are you staring at me? Because you're sweating. - What do you have to hide? - I didn't do anything! Oh, really? Then why do you look so guilty? All right, I admit it! I knew it! My own brother, the mole. Mole?! I'm no mole. I took Dad's coat. I gave it to Marissa for a stupid charity pop-up sale. Wait, so you're not the mole? No. I'm a two-million-dollar coat stealer. And I have no idea where it is. You do know that coat has a tracking device, right? What? I had no idea. Yeah, good luck with that, computer guy. (Door slams) Craig: Kira, I got my hand stuck in the toilet. Kira: What the heck was your hand doing in the toilet? Craig: I already looked everywhere else. What was I thinking? Of course none of these chuckleheads could be the mole. (Gasps) Winnie the Pooh! Thanks, tracking device. Those cannolis, best in the city. Thank you, thank you. And for my next trick, I will make this jacket disappear. Craig: I'm telling you the coat wasn't there before. Kira: Oh, so it just magically appeared in your closet? Craig: No, I bet you put it there to make me look stupid. Kira: Craig, you do not need my help to look stupid. You do that all on your own, baby. KC: Hey, Brett. A kiss? I don't see why not. 11B4J27QR9TT. You're a liar, Zane! 11B4J27QR9TT. You'll never get out of here! - 11B4Q - KC. KC. You're talking in your sleep. What was I saying? You kept talking about Zane and then saying a bunch of nonsense numbers. What numbers was I saying? I don't know. 11B4-something. The code! It's in here! It's gotta be in here. Uh, hate to break it to you, but you made more sense when you were sleep talking. (Groans) They're bugging me. They're bugging me! Yes, and you're starting to bug me. Ah! I got it. Ooh! Ow! Whoo! Ow. Well, I found the mole. Excellent, I can't wait to get a hold of that slimeball. I'll make him wish he'd never been born. Or, we could forgive and forget. What are you talking about? Well, technically, the mole is me. You? Yeah, um, I've been talking in my sleep. Remember that code that you ate for lunch? Oh, yeah. (Grunts) Well, let's just say I've been practically singing that code in my sleep. So whoever bugged my room, will have that tune stuck in their head for quite a while. Wait, if the code has been leaked, that means Oh, move! No, no, no! How could this have happened? Hey, look at this. "Hello, KC. If you're reading this, then I have successfully escaped. That, or I tried to escape and you caught me and now you're reading this back to me just to tease me. I'd like to thank you, KC. Without your help, I never would have been able to leave this place. Thanks to your stay in my barn, I learned that when you're stressed you sleep talk. " ZANE: "Thanks to the bug I planted, it was only a matter of time before you let the access code slip and one of my people came to bust me out. Oh, and thanks for the paint supplies. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a nice, sharp brush and a dull guard. I guess this is farewell. But don't be sad, I'm sure we'll see each other soon. " Zane's out there. He hates my family more than ever, and it's all my fault. Rob, your name's on TV.