The Gothowitz Deviation

(Raj and Howard leave the group, heading to Walgreen's) Leonard: They're gonna get beaten up at that club. Penny: They're gonna get beaten up at Walgreens. (Leonard smirks)

Scene: The apartment kitchen. Penny is cooking breakfast while singing and dancing along to “Man I Feel Like A Woman” by Shenia Twain. Sheldon enters.


 * Penny: Morning, Sheldon. Come dance with me.
 * Sheldon: No.
 * Penny: Why not?
 * Sheldon: Penny, while I subscribe to the many worlds theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.
 * Penny: Are you fun in any of them?
 * Sheldon: The math would suggest that in a few I’m a clown made of candy. But I don’t dance.
 * Penny: All right, want some French toast?
 * Sheldon: It’s Oatmeal Day.
 * Penny: Tell you what, next French Toast Day, I will make you oatmeal.
 * Sheldon: Dear Lord, are you still going to be here on French Toast Day?
 * Leonard: Morning.
 * Sheldon: Look, Leonard, Penny made French toast.
 * Leonard: Sorry. I haven’t given her your schedule yet.
 * Sheldon: It’s an iCal download, she can put it right in her phone. And I thought we agreed that you’d have your conjugal visits in her apartment.
 * Leonard: We did, but there were extenuating circumstances.
 * Sheldon: I see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?
 * Leonard: No, her bed kind of… broke.
 * Sheldon: That doesn’t seem likely. Her bed’s of sturdy construction. Even the addition of a second normal size human being wouldn’t cause a structural failure, much less a homunculus such as yourself.
 * Penny: A homunculus?
 * Leonard: Perfectly formed miniature human being.
 * Penny: Oh, you’re my little homunculus.
 * Leonard: Don’t do that.
 * Penny: Sorry. Okay, who wants syrup and who wants cinnamon sugar?
 * Sheldon: I want oatmeal.
 * Penny: Yes, well, I want a boyfriend whose roommate isn’t a giant pain in the ass.
 * Sheldon: I’m sure that will happen soon enough. But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal.
 * Penny: You know what, I give up. He’s impossible.
 * Sheldon: I can’t be impossible. I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, “I give up, he’s improbable.”
 * Leonard: Sheldon, you really need to find a better way of dealing with Penny.
 * Sheldon: What am I supposed to do, eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible.
 * Leonard: I’m just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
 * Sheldon: You can catch even more flies with manure. What’s your point?
 * Leonard: It’s a… (gives up)
 * Sheldon: Boy, that does smell good. Too bad it’s Monday.

Sheldon: Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto that.

Howard: Yes, she's pushy, and he's whipped, but that's not the expression.

Leonard: No, I don’t want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can’t train my girlfriend like a lab rat.

Sheldon: Actually, it turns out I can.

Leonard: Well, you shouldn't.

Sheldon: There’s just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren't happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.

Leonard: No, this has to stop now.

Sheldon: I’m not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the “bazinga” was implied. I’m just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.

Leonard Hofstadter: No, you’re not sanding Penny.

Sheldon Cooper: Are you saying that I’m forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?

Leonard: Yes, you’re forbidden.

Sheldon: (Squirting him with a water spray) Bad Leonard.

Bethany: What are you going to get, Howard?

Howard: Well, I can’t really decide between a screaming devil, this mean little skull or Kermit the Frog.

Bethany: Kermit the Frog?

Howard: You know, (Kermit voice) Hi ho, I’m on Howard’s butt!

Bethany: Get the mean little skull, and I’ll see if I can make him smile.

Howard: Yeah, I’d like the mean little skull, please.

Sarah: What are you going to get, Raj?

Raj: With my luck... hepatitis.