The Italian Bob

(SINGING) The Simpsons

(TIRES SCREECHING)

D'oh!

(SCREAMS)

Children, we have a special treat today. Willie!

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

(ALL GROANING)

(ALL GASPING)

(ALL GROANING)

WOMAN: Welcome to Diversity Tales.

(ALL GROANING)

Enjoy your multicultural hooey!

(LAUGHS)

Woman: It was the Feast of the Sea Lion.

Who Would Not Share.

''Come, Brother Titi. Let us collect cha-cha sticks.''

I will make a headdress for the wedding of Earth Turtle and Moon Mongoose.

You don't need a headdress.

Your most beautiful costume is your self-esteem.

(WOMAN READING)

What is this crap?

This is worse than Wheelchair-Nocchio.

Yeah? Well, if you don't like the movie, feel free to stare out the window.

(LAUGHS)

(CAR POPS)

Hey, crypt keeper, I like your Dodge Scare-a-van!

(ALL LAUGH)

How dare you mock my mobile-a-mobile?

It was the first car to outrun a man.

A caveman!

(ALL LAUGHING)

I thought of that because I slept in a cave last night.

(HUFFS) Of all the...

I will not be lampooned by school children! Kill them, Smithers!

Uh, you could just buy a new car, sir.

Well, whatever's easier.

A new car? May I suggest an Oldsmobile?

Mr. Bums sucks!

(LAUGHING)

I won't forget who mocked me! I'm taking your picture!

Now hold perfectly still for 78 minutes.

(SNORING)

(HOMER HUMMING)

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo!

Simpson! Charge!

I mean, yes, sir?

I just bought a new car.

A nice foreign number.

The Lamborgotti Fasterossa.

A Lamborgotti Fasterossa?

That's the car I think about when I make love to my wife.

Yes. I need you to pick up my car at the factory in ltaly and ship it directly back to me.

I'll save thousands in taxes.

You're sending me to ltaly?

Yes.

Can I take my family? Sure.

Do I have to hang outwith them?

It would be nice.

(GROANS)

Oh.

Mmm? (STRUGGLES)

Hey, that guy in first class is taking a TV out of his armrest.

What's in you?

(GRUNTS AND GROANS)

A bunch of stupid cables.

(GRUNTS)

Hey, Brandine! The kids just got a new playhouse!

Cletus, you are the most wonderful husband and son I ever had.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

What's with the Canadian flag on your backpack?

Well, some people in Europe have the impression that America has made some stupid choices in the past, oh, five years.

So for the next week, I'm from Canada.

Uh, I think Dad may blow your cover.

That flag is mine! Don't mess with Texas!

Shock and awe, losers! Shock and awe!

Your car, she's coming off the assembly line.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

This car is the ultimate marriage of design and technology.

Ooh, marriage!

Now we have to drive it straight to Rome where it will be shipped to Mr. Burns in Springfield.

Gee, I wish we could explore a little more of ltaly.

Marge, are you encouraging me to be irresponsible?

Why don't you encourage him to get us some health insurance?

Why you little... (GRUNTS)

(CHOKES)

(BOTH CHOKING)

Ow! D'oh!

(GRUNTING)

(BOTH GROANING)

So, first time in ltaly?

Homer: Wow. I've seen photos of this.

But you can't really experience it until you're here!

A McDonald's where you can get booze!

(GULPING)

Dad, don't you want to turn around and see the tower?

Eh, there's a picture of it on my cup.

When Mount Vesuvius erupted, people were overcome by volcanic ash so fast that they were frozen in whatever position they were in at the moment of their death.

Savages.

We've passed the Ponte Vecchio Bridge three times.

I think we're lost.

Let me check the navigation system.

(CLICKS)

Says here we should turn left at a fat chick in a tutu being fed by a midget.

That's a DVD of a Fellini movie.

(CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)

I get it. The midget represents dwarves.

Dad, cheese truck!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GASPS) Mozzarella! Parmigiano! Provolone!

Pecorino! Gorgonzola! Fontina!

Taleggio! Bocconcini!

(CLATTERS)

(ALL SCREAM)

Lisa: Mortadella!

(CRASHES)

Don't worry. We got the cheese insurance.

It doesn't cover mortadella.

(GROANS) No!

(ALL GRUNTING)

Stupid ltaly! I wish you'd never been unified by Victor Emmanuel ll!

If only you'd stayed a loose confederation of city states trading with each other and occasionally warring.

Maybe there's a mechanic in this Tuscan village.

(LIQUID SPLASHING)

Hey, do you know anything about fixing sports cars? Scusi?

It's a Lamborgotti Fasterossa XT 550 with ABS Sport Tech Package!

(SIGHS)

Americano?

Americana? What the hell could that mean?

Why can't you people learn to speak my language?

I learned to eat your food!

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Hey, she says the mayor speaks English.

I honor you and your country.

(GASPS) "Kentucky"? In ltalian this means "whore!" (GRUNTS)

Excuse me, Mr. Mayor? They say you speak English.

(Sideshow Bob) Indeed I do.

(All) Sideshow Bob!

(GASPS) The Simpsons!

(ALL SCREAMING TOGETHER)

Bart: Sideshow Bob?

Of all the regioni in all the villaggi in all of Italia, you had to be il mayore of this one!

I can assure you I'm as sorry to see you as you are to see me.

How did you wind up here?

Yes. Tell us your story.

But ii better have a beginning, a middle, and an end.

And you'd better make us root for the protagonist!

My tale begins after I had once again attempted to murder Bart.

Okay. So far I'm rooting for you.

I needed a fresh start, but where?

Not in this lifetime!

Damn it!

Never!

Now cut that out!

Ah, Tuscany. Fortune is finally smiling upon me.

(GRUMBLING)

I left my past behind and moved to the small village of Salsiccia.

Acceptance came slowly.

It's pronounced “buongiorno.“

Your mouth is getting lazy on the second syllable.

Here. Let me guide you.

But that all changed when the grape harvest began.

(CROWD GRUNTING)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(ALL GASPING)

(SINGING) These feet are made for stomping.

And that's just what they'll do.

One of these days these feet will make chianti out of you!

Ready, feet? Start stomping!

(HUMMING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

it was the biggest harvest ever.

(CORK POPS) Never had I felt such acceptance.

The next spring, the contadini elected me their mayor.

''But! won more than the love of a town.''

Roberto, amore!

This is my bride Francesca. And my son, Gino.

Holy moley!

I always thought you were, you know, out, loud, and proud!

Well, I experimented in college, as one does. Yeah. I never went to college.

Stop the presses.

Hello. I'm Marge. This is my husband Homer, my daughters Lisa and Maggie, and my son Bart Simpson.

Bart Simpson?

The name Roberto cries when he has the bad dream.

Bart Simpson! Bart Simpson! Ban Simpson!

I make like my daddy! I cut, cut...

(CHUCKLES)

Yes. Ban and I used to go fly-fishing together.

Die, Bart! Die, Bart!

(GRUMBLING)

You shall all slay for dinner and tell me more about my wonderful Roberto.

(SIGHS) He makes love like a man who just got out of jail.

Mmm. (KISSES)

(CHUCKLES) Yes, yes, you crave my skillful touch.

Now go. Take the boy. And shut the door. I'll rock your world anon.

Simpsons, I beg of you, please don't destroy the new life I've created here.

Surely even the most heinous criminal deserves a seventh chance!

Bob, you haven't told your wife about all the terrible things you've done?

Yeah. I tell Marge everything.

Not necessarily in words, but in body language.

You know, sneaking around and such.

Bob, your family will find out the truth.

Sooner or later, you'll try lo kill me again.

Watch. I'll prove it.

Come on, Bob. Slice, dice, and serve on rice.

(CHUCKLES) You little scamp.

You know, you'll make some murderer very happy one day.

But it shan't be me.

Bart, Bob is a family man now.

You can't be a bad person if you have a family.

And literature is filled with tales of redemption from Jean Valjean, to the voice of Buzz Lightyear, Tim Allen.

All right, Bob, we won't tell your beautiful new family that you're a homicidal psychopath if you fix up our car.

Now, I can't undo the past.

But I can try to make it up to you.

My humble little town is at your service.

Questi sono I miei amici, i[/i] Simpsons!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(WHISPERS) Dad, don't act like Mussolini.

Ooh, I thought I was doing Donald Trump.

Hmph-hmph!

Here's a cute fact.

This sausage shop has been grinding the same family of pigs for six hundred years.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Prego.

Si, si.

Ooh.

(GOBBLING)

And he kisses you with that mouth?

(MUFFLED) I love you, Marge!

(KISSING NOISES)

(LAUGHING)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(CHILDREN GIGGLING)

(LAUGHING)

He's so wonderful. They must miss him in America.

Uh, well...

(GUNS COCK) Eat justice, Sideshow Bob!

Chief, I tried to warn you. Sideshow Bob hasn't lived here for months.

Oh, God, am I sorry!

(CHUCKLES SHEEPISHLY)

Oh, hey, is that a Penn State banner?

Because, um, my cousin went there.

Did you know him? Mark Wiggum? Fat kid?

Played a lot of Tetris.

(GLASS CLINKS)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

We are here to honor my old friends, the Simpsons.

Tomorrow they return to America, taking with them my gratitude, my friendship, and my heartfelt wish that they never return.

And now, mangiate!

No wine for her! She's only eight!

Marge, don't be so Olive Garden.

Yeah, this is ltaly. Look, the town drunk is two years old!

(SINGING) Hey, mambo Mambo ltaliano!

(BURPS)

(GULPS)

Bob, your generosity and abbondanza have touched our hearts.

(CHEERING)

Bravo! Bravo! Bravissimo!

Ooopsie.

I'll just get it outwith more wine.

See? It's fine. Go on. Go on with the thing.

Hmm.

It's obvious why Bob is a vaunted pillar of your community.

Yeah. But he's a wanted killer in our community!

(LAUGHS)

He deserves to be hailed at this wingding.

More like jailed at Sing Sing!

Time for bed now.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Drunken children tell the ugliest lies.

(CHUCKLES)

Mmm. (GIGGLES)

(SCREAMS)

(CROWD GASPS)

(SCREAMS) Sideshow Bob!

Sideshow Bob?

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

Both: Hmm?

Roberto, is this true? You tried to make the murder?

But darling, the boy drove me to murder by exonerating a harlequin who I framed for robbery at the Kwik-E-Mart!

Oh, it all sounds so stupid.

You have brought shame upon our humble, Mafia-controlled village!

You are welcome in Salsiccia no more!

(GRUNTS)

(BLEATS)

(SNARLS)

Uh-oh. He's getting that stabby look.

Simpson family, I hereby swear a vendetta!

"Vendetta" means "vendetta!"

(ALL SCREAMING)

Boy, that Sideshow Bob goes from zero to murder awfully fast.

At least this time it was Lisa who ruined Bob's life.

(GROANS) I feel so sick.

(CHUCKLES)

It's called a hangover, sweetie.

And it's an unavoidable part of life.

(Mr. Burns) ''Simpson! Simpson!''

''Where is my roadster? You were due back a month ago.''

Mr. Burns, we may be experiencing some technical difficulties.

Ah...

(HUFFS)

Sideshow Bob!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GASPS) Dad, you're driving on an ancient Roman aqueduct!

What am I supposed to use it for?

Transporting water to distant urban centers?

Uh-oh.

Lazy Romans!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(BANG)

(All) Huh?

Homer: Everyone remember where we parked.

(WHIMPERS)

(GRUNTS)

Come on!

(CRYING)

Why do I keep trying to kill them?

Roberto! Francesca, you've come to me!

Well, you've caught me at the right time because I swear never to raise this hand in vengeance again.

Hey, no, Roberto.

If the Simpsons have dishonored you, they have dishonored our family.

And we shall take revenge as a family.

Vendetta! Vendetta! Vendetta for mi papa!

Ah! Revenge is a dish best served family-style.

(EVIL LAUGH)

(CRYING)

(EVIL LAUGH)

We're in a foreign city, with no car, being stalked by a killer.

I feel like I'm in The Bourne ldentity.

(BRAKES SCREECH)

Hey, Krusty's in an opera here in Rome.

He can save our lives. Come on, let's go!

(GROANS) Oh!

Opera? They have that here, too?

(GROANS)

Let's see... Uh-huh.

I ain't doing that.

That's not funny.

Here we'll change "wealthy merchant" to "nudist with big rack."

This needs punching up. That's coming out.

Two acts?

Krusty, you gotta help us!

I don't do "gotta."

Sideshow Bob has sworn a vendetta against us!

Vendetta? What's that? An ltalian vending machine?

Ahhh! That's my opening joke, and my closer, and my saver, and my topper! (SOBS)

Please help us, Krusty.

We don't want to be the first Christians to die at the Coliseum.

I'll tell you what.

Put on these costumes. Go on the stage and mix in with the crowd scenes.

He won't kill you in front of all those witnesses.

Can I be the Phantom of the Opera?

Dad, the Phantom isn't in this.

But I do a great impression of him!

(HUMS)

I am the gayest super villain ever!

Beware my scented candles!

Ooh. Scented!

(SINGING) No more Rice Krispies.

We are out of Rice Krispies

(SOBS)

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

Hey, don't blame me. I didn't write this crap.

I can't believe what that clown is doing to Leoncavallo!

And they call me a murderer!

Vendetta! Vendetta!

I don't wish to brag. Vendetta! Vendetta!

But he's evil at an eighth grade level.

Vendetta! Vendetta!

Let's see. What else we got here.

So I had this beautiful tour guide, right?

And I tell her, "I wanna see your Naples."

She slapped me!

(LAUGHS)

We call it Napoli!

Yeah? Well, it sounds like you're all taking a Napoli!

Know you're out there! I can hear you being greasy!

Ahhh!

(SINGING OPERA)

(APPLAUSE)

That's so beautiful.

That's Sideshow Bob!

I know. And he's magic!

This is no act! They're actually trying to kill us!

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

(CONTINUES SINGING OPERA)

(AUDIENCE SIGHS)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(EVIL LAUGH)

Quick! Get in!

Krusty, you saved us!

Well, I need someone to help me smuggle antiquities to America.

Everyone break off a piece and hide it on your person.

Hide it well.

Vendetta! Vendetta! Vendetta!

Farfalla!

Farfalla vendetta!

Farfalla vendetta!

(Gino) Farfalla vendetta!

Oh, Homie, isn't Venice romantic?

This gondola ride was a wonderful idea.

(SINGING) When a wife looks like that.

And her husband's so fat, that's immoral.

When she kisses that jerk.

While I do all the work, that's...

Hey, knock it off!

Mi scusi. No speak English.

(SINGING) When a big tub of lard...