The Stag Convergence


 * (The scene of Penny and Amy at the bedroom door of Bernadette's apartment)
 * Penny: Please come out, Bernadette. Let’s talk through this.
 * (We hear Bernadette's sad voice come through the bedroom door)
 * Bernadette: (out of vision) No, leave me alone.
 * Amy: Perhaps you should give him a taste of his own medicine. Do you have a cousin who you find attractive?
 * Penny: Amy.
 * Amy: Hey, you introduced him to the sleazebag. I’m just trying to clean up your mess.
 * Howard: (at the door) Oh, hi.
 * Penny: Hey.
 * Howard: I need to talk to Bernadette.
 * Penny: Well, I don’t think she wants to talk to anyone right now.
 * Howard: All right, well, could you at least give her a message?
 * Penny: Yeah, sure, I guess.
 * Howard: Tell her I’m really sorry, and if she doesn’t want to marry me, I get it. But what I really want her to know is the guy that she’s disgusted by, is the guy that I’m disgusted by, too. But that guy doesn’t exist any more, he’s gone, and the reason is because of her. So, if this relationship is over, let her know that she made me a better man, and tell her thank you.
 * Penny: (in tears of proudness) Oh, my God, Howard. That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. And it came out of you.
 * (Howard looks sad to the sound of door opening and Bernadette comes out of her bedroom)
 * Bernadette: (she is still very cross with Howard) Howie?
 * Howard: Penny has a message for you.
 * Bernadette: (she's explaining to Howard crossly) I heard. Your voice, not unlike your mother’s, travels through walls.
 * Howard: Do you want me to go?
 * Bernadette: (she speaks with a quiet smile of sadness) No. Come here.
 * (Howard walks to cuddle up with Bernadette for a second. Bernadette still looks crossly at him when the hug they have is finished)
 * Bernadette: (she speaks with quiet anger) I’m still really mad at you.
 * Howard: I get that.
 * Bernadette: (she's still upset for the final time) Is there anything else about your past I should know?
 * Howard: Couple things, but, you know, most of them happened overseas. I’ll tell you later.
 * Bernadette: Okay.
 * Howard: So, is the wedding still on?
 * Bernadette: (she is so proud) Yeah, the wedding's still on. (They hug)
 * Amy: (laughing) Oh, thank God. I’m still a maid of honour.
 * '(Amy joins in the hug of Bernie and Howie)
 * Penny: (crying with happiness at the hug) Oh, what the hell.
 * '(Penny finally joins in the hug too)
 * Amy: This is kind of hot.
 * (They all continue hugging each other)


 * Sheldon: I wish you could all be inside my head. The conversation is sparkling!


 * Raj: Anyone has any words they'd like to say about the man of the evening?
 * Sheldon: Yeah, I do.
 * (Everybody groans)


 * Sheldon: Howard, I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga! I don't! Double-bazinga! I do!


 * Sheldon: Good luck following that.


 * Raj: Anybody else? Huh? No? Okay! It all comes down to me, as the best man. (Stands up) Ooo, this grasshopper's kicking my ass-hopper. Okay, okay. When I first came to this country, I, I didn't know how to behave, or how to dress, or what was cool, I was pretty lonely. But, then I met Howard and suddenly my life changed, because, we could be lonely together. This man became my whole world!
 * Kripke: Yeah, nice speech Francine! (Tucks some cash into his pants)
 * Raj: (Takes out the money) I'm not done but, thank you! I think back, to all the good times we had, like uh, when we went camping, and spent that night telling each other all our secrets.... I told him, I'm addicted to pedicures, and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin. (Everybody laughs)
 * Howard: She was my second cousin.
 * Sheldon: And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually.
 * Raj: Oh, oh yeah, and then there was a time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and, and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish, and that she wanted his little Kosher pickle. (Everybody laughs again) Of all the Howard-humping-hooker stories, that was my favorite!
 * Howard: (Stands up) Okay, buddy! That's it. Sit down.
 * Raj: Oh, oh, what about that, that tubby girl in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic Con?
 * Howard: I don't remember. Please sit down.
 * Raj: The only threesome I've ever had in my whole life. And I'm proud to say it was with this man, right here! (Everybody laughs)
 * Howard: Please, shut up.
 * Raj: Oh, oh, don't get me wrong. Nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about, 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us!
 * Wheaton: (Recording the entire speech with his phone) Oh, internet, this is SO going all over you!
 * Sheldon: (Laughs) Jeepers, I'm drunk! (Clinks his glass with Wheaton's)


 * (The scene of Leonard and Penny walking up that stairs in the corridors of the apartment)
 * Penny: So, I hear you and the Lost Boys are having a Bachelor Party tonight.
 * Leonard: Yeah, just going to a restaurant. Get some steaks, some Scotch. You've nothing to worry about.
 * Penny: Why should I worry?
 * Leonard: I don't know, it's a bachelor party. There could be strippers. Won't that make you a little jealous?
 * Penny: Come on Leonard. It's you. What's gonna happen? I mean, even if there was a stripper, all you'd do is avoid eye contact and maybe offer to help her kid with his homework.
 * Leonard: Hey, I am a young man in his sexual prime. Under my conditions, I am capable of this, really crazy stuff.
 * Penny: Really? What is the craziest thing you've ever done with a woman? And the time you and I had sex in the ocean does not count.
 * Leonard: Oh, come on, that's gotta count. That was a really strong undertow, we could've died.
 * Penny: Well, have fun tonight!
 * Leonard: Oh, I will! There is NO telling what might happen.
 * Penny: (Snickers) Yeah, there is.
 * Leonard: You know, there's nothing wrong with helping some woman's kid get through their SATs.


 * (The nighttime scene of Bernadette's car where Howard and Raj are being driven home by a hugely-bad-tempered Bernadette)
 * Howard: Thank you for picking us up. There’s a warning, right there, on the scotch bottle. (He imitates a Scotsman) You cannot be operatin’ heavy machinery after you had a snootful of this, laddie!
 * (Howard and Raj both laugh whilst Bernadette continues driving angrily).
 * Bernadette: (she speaks with a smile of anger) Funny. (she asks both guys crossly) You boys have a nice time?
 * Howard: Yeah, it was great. And low-key, like I promised. No hanky-panky, no strippers. Just the guys telling jokes.
 * Bernadette: (she's so very cross by all of this) That’s nice.
 * Howard: How about you? Did you have a fun night?
 * Bernadette: (she answers Howard crossly) Yeah, we, uh, made gift bags, had wine, and then went online and saw this.
 * (Bernadette crossly lifts up her phone and a voice machine plays the voice of Raj talking about Howard's previous affairs)
 * Raj's voice (on the phone): Of all the Howard humping hookers stories, that one’s my favorite.
 * (Howard opens his mouth and he shuts it again)
 * Raj: You know, my apartment isn't that far, if you stop now, I can walk home.
 * Bernadette: (She is so cross with Raj) You ain't going anywhere, three-way.
 * Howard: Bernadette, listen…
 * Bernadette: (she is now really, really cross with Howard) You lied to me, you said you told me about all the women you've been with, but you never told me about your cousin, the prostitute, or Raj!
 * Raj: Seriously, you don’t even have to stop the car. Anything under ten miles an hour and I can combat-roll into the street.
 * Howard: Okay, just to set the record straight, I didn’t hire the prostitute, she was a gift from him. Shame on you, Raj. That is not how we treat women in this country.
 * (Bernadette still continues to get more crosser)
 * Bernadette: (she is still very cross) Don't you try and blame this on him.
 * Raj: Thank you, Bernadette.
 * (Bernadette yells angrily at Raj for the final time)
 * Bernadette: Zip it, pervert!
 * (Berenadette carries on with driving Raj and Howard home in a rage of more enormous fury)


 * (The daytimes scene at Bernadette's apartment where Bernadette (in a sweater and pants) walks sadly up Penny and Amy)
 * Bernadette: (she is so very sad) I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m supposed to marry Howard in a couple of weeks and I’m not sure I even know who the man is any more.
 * Amy: I’m curious what’s bothering you most, the borderline incest, the prostitute or group sex with the girl dressed as the children’s cartoon?
 * (Bernadette is now almost in tears).
 * Penny: Amy, remember when we went over things that would be helpful and things that wouldn’t?
 * Amy: Right. And that was…
 * Penny: Not.
 * Bernadette: (still very sad) When I first met Howard, he seemed so innocent to me, just a sweet little guy who lives with his mother.
 * Penny: Well, if that’s what you like, I’ll take you to the comic book store, the place is full of ’em.
 * Bernadette: (now sadly and crossly) Wait a minute. You set me up with Howard. Did you know about all the creepy stuff he was into?
 * Penny: Well, a little. You hear stuff.
 * (Bernadette puts her coffee mug down in sadness)
 * Bernadette: Why didn’t you tell me
 * Penny: Well, I was gonna, but I didn’t think it would go past the first date. Then, when it did, I thought for sure it wouldn’t go past you meeting his mother. Definitely not past the two of you sleeping together. I mean, the warning signs were there, this is really on you.
 * (Bernadette finally is in tears and she is now crying)
 * Bernadette: My God! I thought you were my friend.
 * (She runs off the couch to the bedroom. Penny sighs and we now hear the bedroom door slamming).
 * Amy: I don’t think that was helpful.
 * (Penny glares crossly at Amy's comment).


 * Kripke: I’ll go. Howard, I’m gonna say something to you that evewybody’s thinking but no one has the couwage to say out woud. When you invite a man to a bachewor pawty, the impwication is, there will be stwippews. Maybe not compwetewy nude, but at weast pasties and G-stwings. That’s not unweasonable.