Billy Madison

~ Suntan lotion is good for me ~ You protect me ~ Tee-hee-hee Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but you won't let it, will ya? Ultraviolet rays - bad. Lotion - good. (blows raspberries ) Smiley. There's something important I was supposed to do today. Have five daiquiris? No, you remembered to do that. Man, why did I have so many drinks? I can't remember. - What's today? - October? It's nudie-magazine day! Yeah! Watch out, butler! Ooh, you're a quick one. Nudie-magazine day! Nudie-magazine day! Nudie-magazine day! Nudie... Agh! Ooh! Ooh. Eee... Ah! Oh! (squawking ) Holy jeez! Lookee what we got here. That silly penguin is back again. No, Mr Madison, there no penguin. You got too much sun today. - There no penguin! - (squawks ) It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around here. I gotta send him back to the South Pole. No! Penguin! Don't you dare run away! Come here, Mr Penguin! I'm one of the good guys, penguin. Don't run! Oh. Oh... Don't run! Don't run from me! Penguin! Penguin. You're a bad penguin. Whee-hee! Call the zoo! All the people at the zoo are very nice, penguin. They'll treat you real respectable, like. There's nothing to worry about, big fella. Here I come! Right this way, gentlemen. Mr Madison is expecting you. Leg. Billy! You shouldn't pull that crap in front of your father's business associates. Now you get yourself upstairs and get ready. Dinner's in 15 minutes. - Yeah, yeah. - Don't yeah, yeah me, boy. This is a very important dinner. You best be there. I will. Thank you, Juanita. You gotta dress yourself up and look nice, too. Oh, that boy's a fine piece of work all right. He's a fine piece of ass though, too. Where the hell is he? I'm starvin'. I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car. You should've had some. If you'd told me there were Triscuit crackers,... - ..I could've enjoyed them with you. - I'm sorry. Sorry doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach, does it, Carl? Gentlemen? I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. Have you all met? Eric Gordon, my executive vice president. And our operations manager Carl Alphonse. Sit down, gentlemen, sit down. Beautiful table. Good seeing you, sir. Where's Billy? Juanita said he'd be down in a few minutes. I'm sure you'll all be very impressed. Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really! Stop looking at me, swan. (slurps ) - Hey, Carl, what's up? - Nothing much, Billy. - I see you got a little sun today. - You think so? - I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours. - Did you fall asleep or did you pass out? Shut up! That's enough, Billy. Because you took your sweet-ass time coming down here,... ..these gentlemen will miss their flights. Well, this guy can stay in my room, I'll tell you that much. Billy? Eat your soup. It's good soup. Gentlemen, I can't thank you enough for coming this evening. (yells gibberish ) Please, Billy, please, no gibberish tonight, please. I beg you. Sorry, Daddy. This is a big night for me tonight, gents. I have an important announcement. (fast gibberish ) That's it, Billy! Get the hell outta here! (slow gibberish ) - Nice talkin' to you, Billy. - (singsong gibberish ) (yells ) Right. One, two, three! Hey, Billy, how come you ain't poundin' any tonight? I don't know. My dad was yellin' at me. I'm just not in the mood. Hey, Billy, who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson? Jack Nicholson now, or 197 4? '7 4. - Meg Ryan. - Go. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Oh, my God! I am the winner! - Billy is not an idiot. - I'm not saying he's an idiot. I just think he might not be mature enough to run a Fortune 500 company. My late wife Emily and I started this company... ..with a 15-unit motel in Patchogue, Long Island. We built it into 650 hotels. Our dream was to one day turn it over to our only son Billy. - How many people work for Madison? - 61,000 and change. How long will they have jobs once Billy has the hotel operator speaking gibberish? Oh, Billy, Billy boy. When are you gonna find whatever it is you're lookin' for? Here's a nice piece of shit. My, oh, my. Wait till old man Clemens realises it's a bag of shit. He's gonna shit when he realises it's shit. Who got the lighter? Come on. Light it. (rings doorbell) Oh, my God! Old man Clemens hates shit! Shh. Here he comes! Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barbara! One of those flaming bags again! (Barbara ) Don't put it out with your boots, Ted. Don't tell me my business, devil woman. Call the fire department. This one's outta control(!) (sniffs ) It's poop again! He called the shit poop! This is the best night of my life! I'll get you damn kids for this! You're all gonna die! Billy, could you step in here for a moment? I have big news. Eric is pregnant! Congratulations, Dippy! Feel those kicks! He's gonna be a soccer player. He is. He is. All right, what's up? I've had to face some hard truths tonight, Billy. Do we have to do this with Captain Dipshit here? You were brought up with every advantage. I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes... Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank. Yeah, well, whatever. It's all my fault. I made a mistake. Jeez, what...? Are you some damned moron? Can't you just stop for two seconds? I'm trying to tell you that I'm retiring, and Eric, not you,... - ..is gonna take over Madison Hotels. - Eric?! You're gonna give the company to Eric? He is a bad, bad man! What do you care, Billy? What do you care who I appoint to run the company, huh? I mean, I'm doin' you a favour. You don't ever have to look for a job. You can sit around all day, goofing off, sipping drinks, chasing invisible penguins. Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this? - Penguin? - What an idiot. You know, I could help Billy until he gets the hang of it. I think crazy Carl is right. I mean, I can do this if I set my mind to it. High school was a pain in the ass, but I graduated. Because I paid your teachers to give you decent grades. I've regretted it every day since. I thought at the time... ..if you could get good grades, you might get into a good college... - ..and straighten yourself out. - I don't believe that. Well, what do you believe? That you were an honours student? How could I hand over to someone who couldn't get through school on his own? I don't know. Don't think about it. Just hand it over. Forget it. Well, listen, don't you think you better go to bed? Big day tomorrow. A day filled with daiquiris and Nintendos and jack-off magazines... Dad! Yeah, what? Give me one more chance. I'll prove I can take over. I'll do anything it takes. I'll go back to high school and take the exams again. - I'll get my diploma all by myself. - Billy, Billy, it wasn't just high school. Remember that spelling bee you won in the first grade? - No, you didn't. - Rock. R-o-k. Yeah? So what's your point? - R-o-c-k! - The C is silent. OK, all right. All right, you got it. First grade through 12th grade all over again. I'll do each grade in two weeks, take the tests, regraduate,... ..prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then I get to take over Madison Hotels. That's some idea. - You just think of that? - Yeah, I did. It's pretty good, huh? Brian, don't you think the future of Madison Hotels... ..and its 61,000 employees is too important to gamble on a game like this? No. You're on. Carl, you make the arrangements. You pass every grade before June 15 and you take over instead of Eric. Have a nice weekend, son. You start school on Monday. Oh! Give 'em hell, Bill. Nice try, asswipe. But you're just delaying the inevitable. (~ 'I'll Tumble 4 Ya' by Culture Club ) ~ Downtown we'll drown, we're in our never splendour ~ Flowers, showers ~ Who's got the new boy gender? ~ I'll be your baby, I'll be your score ~ I'll run the gun for you and so much more ~ I'll tumble for ya ~ I'll tumble for ya ~ I'll tumble for ya, I'll tumble for you ~ I'll tumble for ya ~ I'll tumble for ya ~ I'll tumble for ya, I'll tumble ~ I get a crazy feeling that chases in my head ~ It's nothing that you do to me, it's nothing that you said Where's my Snack Pack? You've got a banana. You don't need no Snack Pack. You know I like Snack Pack. Why can't you give me a Snack Pack?! I thought I was your Snack Pack. - What are you talkin' about? - Nothin'. Bill, you're gonna miss the bus. Yeah, you better get your beautiful buns up that driveway. - What a weirdo! - (Juanita laughs ) ~ Oh, back to school ~ Back to school ~ To prove to Dad that I'm not a fool ~ I got my lunch packed up ~ My boots tied tight ~ I hope I don't get in a fight ~ Oh, back to school ~ Back to school, back to school... Well, here goes nothin'. Thank you, Daddy. - Hi. How you doin'? - Fine. Are you going to class today, too? I'll be going to class to teach. How about you? I'll be going to learn. Ah. You must be Billy Madison. Yes, I am. Don't you think it's pathetic that because of your father you get to do school again? - Yes, I do. - Well, as long as you know. Well, all right! (bell rings ) (children shrieking ) Hey, mister, guess what I had for breakfast. - What? - Beans. Scotty likes beans, don't you, Scotty? - Hey. How you doin'? - Let's involve the class. Quiet down, my special people. I want you all to meet... ..our new friend Billy. - Can everyone say hello to Billy? - Hello, Billy. Hi. Billy is going to be sharing our fun and learning for the next two weeks. Billy is special, just like each and every one of you. And what do we do to our special people? All right. All right. Billy, why don't you take a seat right up front here? And we can start story time. You got a misshaped head. Thank you. The Puppy Who Lost His Way by Chrissy Taylor. ''One fine morning... ..a puppy popped his puppy paws out of his puppy house.'' This was no ordinary puppy. ''This puppy was the happiest puppy in the whole world.'' ''In fact, his name was Happy. Happy looked through the bushes...'' '''I'll never let you get lost again', cried the little boy,... ..who was so happy that he gave Happy a kiss... ..on his wet little puppy nose.'' The end. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like... ..is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up. He just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think: you got a pet, you got a responsibility. If your dog gets lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fuckin' dog! I think it's time to play dodge ball. You're out! O'Doyle rules! (sitar music ) Billy. What are you doing back? I'm out. Well, that just means you stay off to the side until a new game starts. That's OK. I'm kinda tired anyway. I'll just sit here and colour or something. Billy, dodge-ball time is a special time. Not just for you boys and girls, but for Miss Lippy, too. So stay outside. (children ) Whoa! Now you're all in big, big trouble. (~ 'Beat on the Brat' by the Ramones ) You're out! Oh, yeah! (bell rings ) Lunchtime! I bet that Snack Pack's pretty good. Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana? You know how badly I can beat you, right? Mortal Kombat on Sega Genesis is the best video game ever. I disagree. It's a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever. - Donkey Kong sucks. - You know somethin'? You suck. ~ Number one, number one ~ Now my song has just begun ~ With a rum tum taddelum, Old John Braddelum ~ Hey, what country folk we be ~ Number two, number two ~ Roosters crow, cock-a-doodle-doodle-doo ~ With a rum tum taddelum, Old John Braddelum ~ Hey, what countryfolk we be ~ Number three, number three ~ I like you and you like me Hey! That's very nice of you to pick up your little brother here at school. He's not my brother. He's my son. - You gotta be kiddin' me. - Mom, that's Billy. He's in my class. I heard he's retarded or something. (laughs ) Creative mind. Maybe someday he'll make Mommy and Daddy a lot of money. Daddy's in prison, and he won't be home for a long time. My dear Lord. Yeah! Yeah, well, I gotta get goin' right now. I gotta get on the bus. I ride the bus for the city and watch the bus drivers. This programme to make sure they turn the wheels right... Billy, you forgot your stuff. Come on, honey. Thank you very much, Miss Lippy! - (phone rings ) - Yes. - (secretary ) Brian Madison for you. - Tell him I'm out to lunch. Billy Madison. A buffoon. And yet a threat to my eventual takeover of this company. A menace. And what do we do with a menace? We eliminate it. We eliminate Billy Madison. - Tricia Labonte? - Here. - Scotty Logan? - Here. - Billy Madison? - (blows raspberry ) (laughing ) Hm... Hey. Look at all this milk. - You want some of this milk? - That milk belongs to that classroom. Oh. They don't gots to know about it. It could be our milk. No milk will ever be our milk. Ooh. That wasn't very nice. How 'bout you, sideburns? You want some of this milk? Rather have a beer. I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before... ..and, to be honest with ya, I wanted to see a blue duck. Well, it's an excellent blue duck. Congratulations. You just passed the first grade. Oh, Miss Lippy, that's so great. What do you think of that, Mr Blue Duck? That's quack-tastic! Wow! Look at all that candy! Rolex! - Thanks for the watch, Billy. - You're welcome, buddy. This is great. When I graduated first grade all my father did was tell me to get a job. (braying ) Hey, you wanna feed that donkey some beer, get it all messed up? - Maybe later. - I'll go put some beer in a bucket. - OK. - Hey there, Mr Graduate. How's it goin'? (Eric ) Go! Come on, kid! Get up! Get up! You're humiliating yourself! Get up! Whoa, whoa, whoa... Aaah! So he's passed first grade and he's moved on to second. Whoop-de-do. Any more information, Rollo? Billy likes to drink soda. Miss Lippy's car is green. And now we have just two students left. Bath. Bath. B-a-t-h. - Bath. - Correct! Bath - that's a little easy. Why don't you just give her the trophy? Cheese. Cheese. C-h-e-e-s-e. - Cheese. - Correct. - Couch. - Couch. C... C-o... - W? - No! No, I'm sorry, that's not right. (laughs ) Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly, you pass second grade. Couch. C... Cou... Cou... C-o... R... Are you going to the mall later? That's what I'm asking. No, I am not going to the mall. Keep spelling, mister. C-o-u... ..c-h? Correct! I am the smartest man alive! (squealing ) Is he gonna have a stupid party every time he passes a grade? (Carl) Everybody's having a good time but you. Spoilt snot. Get outta here. Let me ask you something, Carl. You started here, what, 25 years ago? Night bellboy at the Philadelphia Madison? After all your hard work, how would you feel working for some punk kid like Billy? Could be worse. That's nice. Man, I'm so nervous. First and second grade were easy,... ..but social studies, division? This is gonna be tough. Man, I'm so nervous. First and second grade were easy,... ..but social studies, division? This is gonna be tough. Relax, dude. Jackpot. - Good morning, class. - Good morning, Miss Vaughn. We're gonna start today by reading a short story entitled My Sister Fanny. Quiet. OK, so let's all open up our Reading is Fun books to page 69. 69! Class, say hello to Billy Madison. Hello, Billy Madison. Billy is a nuisance. He will be gone in two weeks. I apologise for this inconvenience. - Jeez! What's up her butt? - What was that, Billy? I said Reading is good. Can we start the story now? Dan, you may begin. ''O... o... once... ..th... th... there w... was... ..a g... g... girl... ..who w...'' - He can't even read. - Cut it out, dude. You're gonna get us in trouble. ''..p... p... p... p...'' T... t... t... today, junior! Ow! You're tearing my ear off! Making fun of a kid for trying to read. Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul? I'm sorry. I can't hear you. I've been physically abused in the ear. Keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks or I'm gonna fail you. End of story. I see your lips movin', but I can't make out your words. I'm deaf. Oh, Veronica Vaughn. So hot. Want to touch the heinie. (howls ) So that girlie I've been chasin'? Turns out she's my third-grade teacher. First thing she does is kick me out of her class. Maybe she feels she has to make an example of you. - Or she's got somethin' up her ass. - That's what I said. - Poor Billy. - I'm so depressed. - Want me to take my shirt off for you? - No, thank you. OK, baby. But remember, the offer is on the table. Oh, yes. Oh, my. Oh, God, yes. - Lordy. - Billy Madison. Uh-huh? Would you like to try writing some words in cursive on the blackboard today? OK. Sure. OK, how about the word dugout? OK, good. How about bunt? Bunt. B-u-n-t. In perfect cursive. Any more brain-busters? Rizzuto. Z... Z... Rirruto? Those are Zs. They look like Rs to me. That's not fair! Rizzuto is not a word. He's a baseball player. You're cheating. Would you like to try the word buzz? (children laugh ) I hate cursive and I hate all of you! I'm never comin' back to school! Never! (children laugh ) (Juanita ) Billy! I swear, I'm sick. I can't go to school. If you're gonna stay home today, you could help me shave my armpits. Oh, my God! I'll go to school. O'Doyle rules! - What's goin' on? - Miss Vaughn's sick. (teacher claps ) Please take your seats. - Who's that guy? - Principal Anderson. As you can tell, Miss Vaughn is not feeling well today, so I'll be taking her place. But don't get your hopes up, because I plan on teaching,... ..so I hope you plan on learning. Now, who can tell me where we are in our social-studies reader? Yes? Michael? Excuse me. What's that in your hand? Bring that note up to me. (class ) Ooh. Now let's see what couldn't wait till after class. ''We're so lucky to have Principal Anderson substituting.'' ''Now we have the privilege of staring at that tub of lard all day long''? ''If I were him, I would walk my fat ass right into oncoming traffic.'' Oh, man, Billy, I just thought of the funniest thing. Billy? - Where's Billy? - He's in school, man. Oh, yeah. (~ 'I'm Not the One' by the Cars ) ~ I'm not the one ~ That you'll be shootin' for ~ I'm not the one ~ Who's coming back for more ~ You know why ~ We've been through this too many times ~ You know why ~ It's never clear it's pantomime I don't wanna sound like a weirdo, but I kinda missed Miss Vaughn today. - Why? Do you like her or something? - No! - Why? Did she say she likes me? - Not to me. Well, let's find out. Uh, hello? Um, is this Miss Vaughn? Oh, hi. It's Ernie from class. (whispers ) Ask her if she has a boyfriend. Uh, Miss Vaughn, do you have a boyfriend? (whispers ) No. - Ask her... - Shh! Ask her if she likes anybody from class, like, more than a friend. Uh, Miss Vaughn, do you like anybody in class more than a friend? (whispers ) No. Ask her if she would ever go out with somebody from class. - No! - Just do it! Um, Miss Vaughn, would you ever go out with anybody from class? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You see, Ernie, grown-ups like to go out with other grown-ups. - What about Billy? - You're more of a grown-up than Billy. - I'll give you a grown-up. - What was that, Ernie? (high-pitched) Nothing. See you tomorrow in class, Miss Vaughn. You blew it! Hey, I dare you to throw your sandwich at the bus driver. (children ) Do it. Come on. Hey! Hey, who threw that? I'll turn this damn bus around. That'll end your precious little field trip pretty damn quick, huh? Bullshit. Hey, I'm tryin' to score points with the teacher today. Don't screw it up! I dare you to touch her boobs. Touch her boobs? That's assault, brother. Ya double-dare me? Miss Vaughn, how long till we get there? - I have to go to the bathroom. - Probably about two minutes. Sorry about that. Damn guy drives like an animal. That's all right, Billy. Why don't you go back and sit down now? - OK. - I double-dare you. Da... I... Accident... Mistake... Tit... - Go sit down now. - Yes. (children giggle ) Yeah, here we go again. Another treat from the road. Grand, ripe banana. Trick of the day. Great... (woman ) What is a horseshoe? What does a horseshoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me? Anyways, I am sorry about what happened back there,... ..but you have to admit, I've been tryin' to be good lately. Well, you're not the first person that's tried to grab my chest. I'm trying not to hold you to a higher standard than the rest of the students. Although maybe I should. You are, what, 50? No, but the other kids look up to me. I don't want them to think I'm a coward. Don't worry about it. Next week you're gonna have another teacher to annoy. I don't want to annoy another teacher, Miss Vaughn. I want to annoy you. - Miss Vaughn! - Somebody stole all our lunches. Who would steal 30 bagged lunches? I'll tell you who took those lunches. That damn sasquatch. Well, I guess that's it. OK, everybody! Back on the bus! - Hey, what's with Ernie? - I don't know. I'll be right back. Hey, Ernie, what's up? Nothing. You fallen in love with the wall or somethin'? - I had an accident. - An accident. What does that mean? Ooh! Oh, I know. OK. Uh... Don't worry, buddy. You hang tight. I'll be right back. Hey, look, everybody! Billy peed his pants! Of course I peed my pants. Everybody my age pees their pants. It's the coolest. - Really? - Yes! You ain't cool unless you pee your pants. - Wow. - Hey, man, Ernie peed his pants too. All right! If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis. Oh! That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life! Let's go! Get on the bus here. Move it. Get up there, Kyle. One, two, five, seven. Move it or lose it. Get on the b... Hi, Miss Vaughn. Nice to see ya. That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ass. I know from experience, dude, if you know what I mean. No, you don't. Well, not me personally, but a guy I know. Him and her got it on. Whoo-ee! No, they didn't. No, no, no, they didn't. But you can imagine what it'd be like if they did, right? Huh? Everybody on? Good, great, grand, wonderful! No yelling on the bus! ~ Billy passed the third grade ~ Oh, what a glorious day ~ Oh, passin' third grade ~ The Billy Madison way Yeah! Rock on! Yes! (boy ) Stop it. Who are you? I don't even know you. Go away, mister. Stop it. - Are you OK? - Yeah. - Look! She came! - And she came too. The mucus queen is yours. Thanks. Hi! Oh, gosh. Oh, thank you. Oh, my God! Snack Pack! You're the coolest! - Those should last you the weekend. - Thank you very much. - Billy is on the right track. - He's on track all right. He's headed right down the toilet. Easy. You still don't think he's gonna make it? Trust me, Carl, baby. I know he's not gonna make it. Would you excuse me for a second? Who will help me destroy Billy Madison? Who? You know, that was really sweet, the way you helped Ernie out yesterday. He would have done the same for me. So what's it like being back in school? I don't know. I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes. Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out. Is it just you and your dad in here? Well, actually, no. There's Juanita, and some maids and butlers and stuff. And people who work for my dad are always stoppin' by. And my friends are always sleepin' over, even when I didn't ask 'em to. - Sounds like a hotel. - It kinda is. It can be distracting. That's why I moved out here. Wow. This is where I've been spending most of my time lately. Not exactly roughing it, are you? Those are, uh... They come with the tent, so... Oh, wow. A Tale of Two Cities. I don't think we're up to that one yet. I can understand nine words in that book now. So, it's, um... the last day of third grade. And you have the teacher, alone, in your tent. What do you wanna do? Well, I can think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine-iron. - Two would include a buffalo. - Really? Live or stuffed. Preferably stuffed, for safety's sake. Three: we'd bring back some of those ice cubes,... ..but switch it over to a pitching wedge. How you guys doin'? Hey! Carl! Good to see you! This is Veronica, my teacher. That's Carl. Very pleased to meet you. Bill, I think Eric is up to something. - Who's Eric? - He works for my dad too. He gets the company if I screw up. He's a douchebag. He made some menacing comments to me, and then he did that little weasel laugh. - Yeah. How does that laugh go again? - You know. (laughs ) - Very good. It sounded just like him. - Thanks. Well, I'm sure he's got something up his sleeve. - Thanks, buddy. - No problem. (~ 'ABC' by the Jackson 5) ~ You went to school to learn, girl ~ Things you never, never knew before... (teacher ) The most densely populated part of the US is along the eastern seaboard. We're gonna talk about why that is over the next few minutes. We all know what a census is, don't we? That's like taking a census... You know, yeah. Pick it up and gimme... You want some of this? Oh, my dear Lord! You never leave me open, son, cos I'm gonna hit it every time. You want some more of that? I didn't think so! ~ Reading, writing, arithmetic are the branches of the learning tree ~ But without the roots of love every day, girl ~ Your education ain't complete ~ Teacher's gonna show you ~ How to get an A ~ How to spell 'me', 'you' and add the two ~ Listen to me, baby, that's all you gotta do ~ ABC ~ It's easy as 1-2-3 ~ As simple as do-re-mi, ABC... (belches the alphabet ) All right, stop before I throw up. Hey, Billy, you wanna go play soccer with us after school? No, I got a test on Friday. I'll play with you guys next week. - Next week you'll be in ninth grade. - Yeah, high school. Oh, yeah. You aren't gonna wanna hang round with a bunch of dumb elementary-school kids. That's not true. I'll come and visit you guys all the time. Yeah, to see your girlfriend. (boys ) Whooo! (cackling ) Have some more Sloppy Joes. I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy. Lady, you're scarin' us. - Do you know where the bathroom is? - Second door on the left. Hey, tubby, how about a little bathroom reading? I have the August 1983 issue of Wrestling World here. There's a terrific article about a wrestler named the Revolting Blob. Gee, you know somethin'? He kinda looks like someone I know. - Where'd you get that? - I have a subscription. Bad guy. He threw one opponent out of the ring and hit a bunch of senior citizens. Boy, this wacko looks familiar. What do I care about some stupid phoney wrestling guy? My God. In June 1983 he sat on some guy's head and killed him. It was just a stunt! He was supposed to pinch my leg if he was running short of air. With this guy sitting on everyone's head, I wonder how he got his teaching degree? No! No, you can't do that to me. Those kids are my whole life! So you wouldn't want anything to happen that would make 'em think less of you? Max? Max? You ready to cooperate with me? Yes. Then Madison Hotels is as good as mine! (rock music from car ) (laughter ) - (student ) Nice shirt. - Yeah. Yep. (bell rings ) Now the cell's happy. But other molecules are saying We'd like some energy too. And it uses its own pigment molecule, chlorophyll, to carry out the action. This does not make the ribosomes happy. And poor chlorophyll is caught in the middle of this. Chlorophyll? More like bore-ophyll! Right? - Jeez, a little bit stuffy in here, huh? - Don't talk to me. - And why is that? - Because you're a loser. (teacher ) ..from these ribosomes. And chlorophyll helps the chloroplast... No, I will not make out with you! Did you hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class! You got chlorophyll man up there talkin' about God knows what. All she's talking about is makin' out with me. I'm here to learn, not to make out. Go on with the chlorophyll. O'Doyle rules. Thanks a lot, O'Doyle. Nice meetin' you. (giggling ) - Wait till they start with the wedgies. - Yeah. You oughta start cutting your underwear before you get to school. So it rips easier. I see. Who are you guys? The guys everybody used to pick on before you started here. No, they ain't pickin' on me. They're givin' me a hard time cos I'm the new guy. A little first-day hazing. - Are you in loser denial or something? - I had a bad case of loser denial myself. Till the lacrosse team stuck a parking cone up my ass. Loser? I ain't no loser. I was the king of this high school. A hundred friends, a million parties... You guys are losers, not me. And that is what a prime number is. (children ) Billy! I figured I got fourth period off, I'd shoot down and say hi. - How's high school, Billy? - Yeah, how's high school? High school is great. I mean, I'm learning a lot. And all the kids are treating me very nice. It's great. Gee, I can't wait till I go to high school. Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that. Stay here. Stay as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. (Veronica ) Jennifer, why don't you read out loud? You gotta cherish it. You do. Hm. I don't understand it. I mean, ten years ago high school was the greatest. I had so much fun. I guess a little too much fun, since you've gotta do it again. I know. It's just that classes are so hard, and all the kids treat me like I'm a goof. Well, you are a goof. Suck it up. Eight more weeks and you're all set. Yeah, you're right. You're so smart. - I gotta go, OK? - OK. Billy, wait. It doesn't feel so great to be called a loser, does it? No. Maybe the first time you went to high school,... ..you weren't as nice to the kids that you thought were losers. I know what you're sayin'. You're so smart. (phone rings ) Hello? - Hi. Is this Danny McGrath? - Yeah. The Danny McGrath that graduated from Knibb High School in 1984? - Uh, yeah. Who's this? - This is Billy Madison. You probably don't remember me, but I went to high school with you. I kinda gave you a hard time back then,... ..and I did some things that I thought were funny at the time,... ..but now I realise they were just mean and stupid. And I just wanted to apologise, and I hope you forgive me. Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it. Wow! That's great! Well, I am sorry, and maybe we can get together some time... ..and have coffee or somethin'. - Sure, I'd like that. - OK. Well, I'll see you around. OK. Bye. (~ 'Telephone Line' by Electric Light Orchestra ) Speak for yourself, moron. Oh, my God! That is funny! Next.: the shocking story of power and corruption involving a hotel tycoon. How his 27-year-old millionaire son cheated his way through school. - What the hell...? - Now, now. Maybe it's somebody else. My name is Max Anderson,... ..and I am the principal at the Polly Fector Elementary School. Recently a young man named Billy Madison was enrolled there. During that time Mr Madison was disruptive. The only reason he passed was that he offered me a bribe of $5,000,... .. which I regrettably accepted. I'm sorry, Billy. (reporter ) That was Principal Anderson of Polly Fector Elementary School. Dad! He's lyin'! You made a fool out of me. This was a mistake from the beginning. Brian, I got some interim forecasts for you to... - Why is everybody so glum? - You seriously don't believe me? That's right. I seriously don't believe you. The deal's off. Eric's got the company. Wow. Good news for me. I can't believe this is happening right now. Are you gonna come to class on Monday? Wouldn't make much sense now, would it? Stupid idea in the first place. (~ 'Renegade' by Styx ) ~ They finally found me ~ The renegade who had it made ~ Retrieved for a bounty ~ Never more to go astray ~ This'll be the end today of the wanted man Better get up outta this bed! ~ I've been years on the lam And had a high price on my head ~ Lawman said 'Get him dead or alive'... (Billy howling ) Yoo-hoo! Hello! Billy's here! Hey, baby! You lookin' hot tonight! - Billy, what has happened to you? - We're gonna go on a date. You, me, Jack and Frank... ..are gonna go around puttin' shit on people's doorsteps... ..and we're gonna set it on fire. Billy, why are you acting like this? I know that you didn't pay off Max. Well, that makes two of us, then, baby,... ..but it takes more than two to tango. Or somethin' like that. - So let's go. - No, let's stay. And the three of you can light dog shit on my living-room floor. - Come on, Billy, you know that... - Talky, talky, talky. No more talky. You got a lighter in here? Oh. I see what's goin' on in here. So sorry to interrupt! Proceed. Billy, you're losing your mind. All right, boys' night out! Let's go! (snoring ) Ow! I need to talk to you. Jeez! What's goin' on, man? I think Billy and his girlfriend are playin' water polo or somethin'. Hey, maybe they're playin' Marco Polo. Marco. - Jeez, that was a great game. - Yeah. I got an idea for you. Instead of being an idiot every day,... ..why don't you go back to school, graduate and get the company? Cos I don't want it any more. - What do you mean, you don't want it? - I got somethin' comin' outta my nose? I can't believe I liked someone who could roll over and die. I ain't rollin' over and dyin'. I was set up. And, worst of all, nobody believes me. I believe you, Billy. And I believe in you. You know, some people have no willpower, no brains, no vision. They just drift through life like lumps of crap. What is she talkin' about? And you have all those things. You're just afraid to use 'em. Don't be. You say you're not a loser, Billy Madison. So win. ~ Yes, I will go back to school ~ And achieve victory ~ No man will take what my father has built ~ Unless that man is me ~ My Billy, sweet Billy boy ~ I knew you would go back ~ No one can stop you if you try ~ Don't I have a nice rack? ~ Veronica, I thank you ~ For beating the shit out of me ~ I see things so clearly now ~ I choose my destiny Oh, Billy, I knew you had it in ya. ~ We're here to help you, Billy ~ Get back in school to stay ~ You gotta work real hard and stick it out ~ Till graduation day ~ Hey, kids, it's me ~ I bet you thought that I was dead ~ But when I fell over I just broke my leg ~ And got a haemorrhage in my head ~ There are obstacles in the way - ~ But together we shall overcome - ~ Overcome ~ Cos you can't break our spirit and you can't kill our dream ~ Do you have any more gum, more gum, more gum, more gum? ~ Do you have any more gum? Oh. Hello, kids. Mr Anderson, is that you? Oh. Yes, actually, it is. This is just... Well, this is... Normally I don't allow children to be in my home without parental supervision. So why don't you just run on... Oh, boy. It sure is great to have all you kids come surprise me like this at my home, but I... Mr Anderson, Billy said the stuff that you said didn't happen. Is he lying or are you lying? Oh, well, listen, kids. It's not always as simple as all that. The statement I made about Billy Madison was and is completely untrue. No. I know now that I shall never escape my fate... - ..as the Revolting Blob. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no! (Anderson ) It's something I must learn to live with. Joyce? What a mess. First this psycho goes on TV, lies, then retracts it. And now Eric's secretary is in a coma. Carl, has anybody been able to find out anything about this Max guy? No, sir. He's vanished. Nobody has any idea where he is. - I believed in Billy all along, sir. - Cut the horseshit! - I know you blackmailed Max. - Take it easy, Billy. Things were going along great until this wrestling freak messed things up. Billy should get another shot at high school. Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed to finish each grade within the two weeks... ..or I get the company. He didn't finish ninth grade. Eric, certainly there are extenuating circumstances. Extenuating, exschmenuating. We had a deal. A signed, written deal. Each grade, two weeks, or I get the company. Well, technically you're right, but... Oh, shut up, Brian. I've had to listen to your jawing for too long. Well, technically... Just shut up! Are you ready to hand the company over to me now? - No. - Then I'll see your ass in court. Good. Nice talkin' to ya, shitheads. Hey, Eric, how would you like to settle this now, no lawyers? You and me, mano y mano. - What does that mean? - What does that mean? - Carl, what does that mean? - Uh... I don't know. It means an academic decathlon. One day, ten events, testing all the knowledge one would gain in high school. Me versus you. - You're joking, right? - Let's take it a little easy here, Billy. No, I'm serious. Let's do it. Let's do it on Friday. - Let's do it. - Is that all right with you, Daddy? Well, if you think you can beat him. Oh, I can. And I will. - It's a deal. - (whispers ) I know it was you. You broke my heart. Here are the trigonometry hand-outs. Last year's physics notes. Best I could do. Thanks a lot, fellas. You're saving my life. O'Doyle rules. O'Doyle, I got a feeling your whole family's goin' down. But for now I gotta study. (Veronica ) Norman invasion of England. That is correct. The Magna Carta. 1215? Yes. Spanish Armada. 1466? '67? 1469? 1514? 1981? 1986? Please do not do that. Come on, I swear... Just hang in there one second. Please, God, give me the answer! Buenos dias. Buenas tardes. Buenas noches. (speaks French very quickly ) Slow down. (speaks French very quickly ) Oh(!) Spanish Armada... That is correct. Ladies and gentlemen, thanks to a generous donation by Mr Madison... ..to the Knibb High School library, I have been able to arrange for ten teachers... ..to administer this academic decathlon in various courses of study. However, if there is any attempt by either contestant to cheat,... ..especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty tramp, I am just gonna snap. Do I make myself clear? - Yes, sir. - Yes, sir. All right, then. Let the academic decathlon begin. (Billy laughs ) Second team, all-American, Harvard track. Is that right? Oh, gross! Did you see that guy's balls? Yeah, they were weird-lookin'. Whoa! (tuneful melody ) (squeaking ) He's good. To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune... Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; No more. (boy ) Billy! Hey, hey, hey. Who rules? O'Doyle rules! O'Doyle rules! O'Doyle rules! O'Doyle rules! O'Doyle rules! O'Doyle rules! O'Doyle rules! O'Doyle rules! (explosion ) Good afternoon, students. You've been invited here today to witness the tenth and final event... ..in the competition between Mr Eric Gordon and Mr Billy Madison. As of this moment, Mr Madison is ahead by one point. Each competitor will select the final category for his opponent. Mr Madison will go first. Mr Gordon, choose the topic. English Literature. US Presidents. My Wife, the Tramp. Burning Dog Poo and the Human Response. Reflections of Society in Literature. Reflections of Society in Literature. Good luck, schmuck. Mr Madison. The Industrial Revolution changed the face of the modern novel for ever. Discuss, citing specific examples. (yelling ) (clears throat ) Uh... Come on! OK. The Industrial Revolution, to me, is just like a story I know... ..called The Puppy Who Lost His Way. The world was changing... ..and the puppy was getting... bigger. So, you see, the puppy was like industry,... ..in that they were both lost in the woods,... ..and nobody, especially the little boy - society - knew where to find them. Except that the puppy... was a dog. But the industry, my friends,... ..that was a revolution. Knibb High football rules! Mr Madison, what you've just said... ..is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response... ..were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. OK. A simple wrong would have done just fine, but... You remain one point ahead. Mr Gordon, it is your turn. Mr Madison, choose the topic. I choose Business Ethics. Mr Gordon. The American business environment has fundamentally changed... ..following the insider trading and savings and loan scandals. Explain business ethics, and how they are applied today. The, uh, ethics of, uh, business... ..can be summarised in... Yeah, um... See... Ethics are, uh... You know, the... the thing about ethics... Aagh! That question was not fair! That was not in the reading. - I demand a new question. - Take it easy, psycho. You blew it. You lose. I oughta blow you away, you miserable... Well, go ahead and do it. Yikes! No! (Eric ) Get off me! No! Man, I'm glad I called that guy. - Max, are you OK? - Yeah. Yeah, I'm OK. OK. A little confused, kinda sweaty,... ..a little hungry,... ..but all in all I'm OK. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you. Well, what can I say? I graduated. It's over. I did it. I know most of you are sayin' Hey, any idiot could do that. Well, it was tough for me, so back off! - Sorry. Sorry about that. - Yahoo, Billy! Billy's number one! Yahoo! (Billy ) That's nice, buddy. Yahoo! Yahoo for school! Yahoo for me! Anyways, this hotel stuff really isn't for me,... ..so I decided to step down as chairman of Madison Hotels... ..and give the company to Carl. I'm gonna go to college. I'm gonna be a teacher. - Peace! I'm outta here! - (cheering ) Daddy. What can I say? I saved the day, I guess. I mean, Eric doesn't take over the company. Are you sure this is what you wanna do? I'm sure, Dad. Thanks for everything. Max! What can I say, buddy? You saved my life. You don't have to say anything. I'm so proud of you. But I'm still horny. All right, man. You're hurting me. You think he's horny. Come here.