Three Hundred Big Boys



This the transcript of Three Hundred Big Boys from Futurama.

Dialogue
Announcer: [voice-over; on TV] This week in the universe. [The scene on the TV changes to a planet where DOOP soldiers battle giant spiders.] Dateline, Turantulon 6: The brave warriors of Earth, under the command of General Major Webelo Zapp Brannigan, have achieved victory over the spider homeworld. [Kif hits two spiders with a giant fly swat and Zapp runs him over in a Jeep.] And to the victor belong the spoils; one trillion dollars in silken treasure.

[Zapp strokes a silk suit.]

Zapp: [on TV] Mmm!

[The scene changes to Nixon at a podium outside the White House.]

Nixon: [on TV] My fellow Earthicans, after meeting with top voodoo economists, I have decided to refund our silk surplus to you, the taxpayers. That's right! I've sent you each 300 buckaroos in the form of a Tricky Dick Fun Bill. Knock yourselves out!

[The newsreel ends and the staff cheer.]

Zoidberg: Money!

Amy: I'm slightly richer!

Bender: What to do, what to do? One $300 hookerbot or 300 $1 hookerbots?

Leela: I'm going to swim with a whale. They're the gentle giants of the deep.

Farnsworth: I'm well aware of that.

Scruffy: Scruffy's gonna get himself one of them $300 haircuts. This one's lost its pizzazz!

Zoidberg: A fortune, it is! At last Zoidberg will live like a rich man!

[He kisses the bill and Nixon squirms on it.]

Nixon: [on bill] Hey, cut it out! Go away! Get away!

Amy: Shmeesh! It's just 300 bucks. What is that, like a hundred cups of coffee?

Fry: That's it! I'm getting a hundred cups of coffee. Starting now. [He walks over to the coffee machine.] Coffee machine, one cup of coffee, please.

[He puts the $300 into the machine and it takes $3 off.]

Nixon: [on bill] Smells good!

[Fry takes a sip of the coffee and a coffee cup counter comes up on the bottom of the screen with a "1" on it. Zapp appears on the big screen.]

Zapp: [on screen] Leela? Are you there?

Leela: No.

Zapp: [on screen] Oh, yes, you are! I'm hereby inviting you and your oddball co-workers to a special reception to display the national silk surplus. I believe you know the heroic space stallion who captured it. Show them my medal, Kif.

[Kif points at a medal on Zapp's chest.]

Kif: [on screen] He rented it with his tax refund.

Zapp: [on screen] So, Leela, will you have the pleasure?

Leela: What little there is to be had.

Zapp: [on screen] Tomorrow night at eight them. Smooches!

[He kisses the screen.]

[Scene: New New York City Street. People spend their $300. The 99c Store changes its name to 299.99c Store. The crack addict walks out of an alley kissing his money.]

Crack Addict: No cheap crack houses for me no more!

[Cut to: Outside Crack Mansion. The crack addict hands a man his $300.]

Man #1: Very good, sir. Shall I pre-warm sir's crack pipe?

[Above the crack mansion, Kif and Amy fly over on a paddle plane. Kif struggles and wheezes.]

Amy: Oh, Kif, it was so romantic of you to rent this paddle plane with your tax rebate. We're like two dandelion seeds wafting on the breeze.

Kif: (gasping) Yes. Seeds ... wafting.

Amy: I almost feel kinda shallow for blowing my rebate on this cool talking tattoo!

Tattoo #1: Hey, Gordon Gecko! I cost as much as this whole crummy date!

Amy: Shut up! [She slaps her arm.] Ow!

[Scene: Geneworks. Farnsworth talks to a woman at a desk.]

Farnsworth: Uh, ma'am, it has become too much of a chore for me to clean out my wrinkles each day. Is it true that stem cells may fight the aging process?

Geneworks Woman: Well, yes. In the same way an infant may fight Muhammad Ali. But--

Farnsworth: One pound of stem cells, please.

[He slaps his $300 on the desk and the woman gives him a tub of stem cell cream.]

Geneworks Woman: Of course, any age-reversing effects will be purely temporary.

[She gags and turns away as Farnsworth spreads the cream around his face.]

[Scene: Hacking Jack's Fine Smokables. Bender peruses the fine merchandise within. He looks at some $1.99 Dutch Butts, then at a box of $25 Zubans, then the $300 Royal Kooparillo. He then sees a cigar in a glass case, Le Grand Cigar, which is $10,000.]

Bender: Say, buddy, why's this Grand Cigar so pricey?

Clerk: Well, as you can see, its wrapper is a piece of the original US Constitution. It was hand-rolled by Queen Elizabeth during her wild years and was buried with George Burns until graverobbing space mushrooms-- Uh, well you know the rest.

Bender: Give you 300 bucks for it.

Clerk: No can do.

Bender: Oh, alright, I'll just take these $300 burglars tools then.

Clerk: Very good, sir.

Bender: So, uh, what time d'you close tonight?

[Scene: Outside The Conrads' House. Dwight sits on the steps and smiles as Hermes arrives with a box behind his back.]

Dwight: Hey, Pops! Did that tax rebate come?

Hermes: Came and went! You're now the proud owner of Bamboo Boogie Boots. [Dwight's smile fades.] With a warning label this big, you know they gotta be fun.

Dwight: But, Pops, I don't wanna have fun. I wanna be like you; boring but prudently invested.

Hermes: Babylon's bells! I tallied almost 300 bananas on this entertainment product. Now you put 'em on and have fun.

Dwight: (shouting) I don't wanna!

Hermes: Well then I'm gonna put 'em on and make you watch me have fun. [He sits on the steps, puts the boots on, stands up and smiles.] See? Fun! Fun-- [The bamboo comes out of the bottom of the boots and lifts Hermes into the air. He screams.] Dwight! Help me!

Dwight: I'll save you, Pops!

[He climbs the bamboo and hangs on to Hermes' feet. Hermes starts to lose his balance and he stumbles down the road. Drivers swerve their cars to avoid the enormous boots and honk their horns.]

[Scene: Outside Geneworks. Farnsworth comes out of the building looking younger. He sees a group of young people standing around a car listening to loud music.]

Farnsworth: Hey! Turn that damn music-- [A woman looks up at him] Up!

[Hermes and Dwight stumble past on the bamboo boots.]

Hermes: Isn't this fun?

Dwight: No! I wish I had two mommies!

[They walks past a jewellery shop called Diamonds Are Forever.]

[Scene: Diamonds Are Forever. Randy holds a "Going Out Of Business Sale". He hands jewellery to Zoidberg.]

Randy: Try these, uh, sir.

[Zoidberg puts the rings on his mouth flaps and looks at himself in the mirror.]

Zoidberg: I ask for rich guy stuff and you give me shiny pebbles? Bah! I bid you adieu.

[He shakes the rings off and they hit Randy on the head.]

Randy: Ow!

[Zoidberg woops and scuttles out.]

[Scene: Brooklyn Aquarium. Leela stands at a booth near the whale tank.]

Leela: I'd like a pass to swim with Mushu, please.

Whale Biologist: Well you asked the right guy. I'm the whale biologist. Though personally I hate whales. (whispering) Especially Mushu.

Leela: Then why'd you become a whale biologist?

Whale Biologist: I don't know you well enough to get into that. $300, please. [Leela hands him her $300 and he hands her a card.] Noon tomorrow. If you're late you only get to tread water in the scallop tank.

[Leela takes her pass and leaves. Fry waits in line at Starfishbucks Coffee.]

Fry: Uh, I'll have a coffee.

Man #2: Guppy, trout, mermaid or--

Fry: Whale, please.

[The man pours the coffee and Fry drinks it. A coffee cup comes up at the bottom of the screen with "2" on it. Amy and Kif fly over the aquarium on the paddle plane.]

Kif: (gasping) Amy, I-I also spent some of my tax rebate on a gift for you.

Amy: Oh, Kiffie!

[She opens the box. Inside is a watch with two faces and a picture of Amy and Kif on each.]

Kif: It shows the time wherever we both are. And it's powered by love! Also, you have to wind it.

Tattoo #1: Oh! Somebody won big at Skeeball!

Amy: You shut up! I love it, Kif. I'll use it whenever I wanna know what time it is. [She kisses and hugs him. She looks down and sees Fry and Leela sat at a table.] Ooh! It's Fry and Leela! (shouting) Hi, Fry and Leela!

[The paddle plane lurches forward and starts falling. Kif screams.]

Kif: Oh! Keep peddling! Oh, for the love of God, keep peddling!

[Leela screams and Fry gurgles his coffee as they get closer to the ground. The plane lifts up at the last second and swoops over people. They scream. The paddle plane flies over Mushu's tank. Kif wipes his brow and breathes a sigh of relief. Amy turns around and waves.]

Amy: (shouting) Bye, Fry and Leela!

[The plane tilts sideways and the watch slides off the front of it. Kif panics. The watch slips off and he sighs. Mushu leaps up out of the water and eats the watch. The crowd applauds.]

Tattoo #1: Oh, I can't wait until the tattoos on Amy's butt hear about this!

Tattoo #2: Hear about what?

Tattoo #3: Tell us!

[A horse tattoo neighs.]

[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Kif cries.]

Amy: Don't feel sad, my little tadpole.

Kif: (crying) I'm trying not to. But my gift to you is in the belly of a whale.

Zoidberg: Say, this reminds me of that time I ate that other watch Kif gave you.

Amy: Hey, it is kinda like that.

Zoidberg: To induce vomiting, that was the solution. Everywhere it went! [He chuckles.] What a Valentine's Day that was!

[Leela looks at her Mushu pass.]

Leela: Hmm. This may seem like a huge coincidence, but I happen to have an in with that whale.

Scruffy: Scruffy's formulated a plan, but you'll need a ready source of nauseatin' rotten fish.

[Scene: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. In the restaurant, Fry, Leela, Kif and Amy sit around a table with a huge fish in the middle. Enter Elzar.]

Elzar: Freshen your coffee, sir?

Fry: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Keep it coming! Put the pot down! Get away!

[He drinks his 31st cup. Leela leaves the table. At another table, Farnsworth dines with the woman.]

Woman: You're so young in spirit. It's hard to believe you're as old as 25.

Farnsworth: The key is to grab life by the hojos! Live every day like it might be your last.

Elzar: What'll it be, kids?

Farnsworth: One bowl of mild farina.

[Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine: Kitchen. Leela crosses the room and opens the fresh fish freezer door.]

Leela: Pay dirt! [She closes the door and pulls the plug out of the socket.] Hi-yah!

[Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Leela strolls out of the kitchen, whistling casually. Elzar serves Zoidberg.]

Elzar: Here you go, big spender. Foie gras and caviar.

[Zoidberg sniffs the food.]

Zoidberg: Goose liver? Fish eggs? [He eats it and spits it out.] Pah! Where's the goose? Where's the fish?

Elzar: Hey, that's what rich people eat. The garbage parts of the food.

Zoidberg: I ate garbage yesterday and it didn't cost me $300! I'm not paying. [He puts on a top hat.] Farewell, good sir!

[He leaves with a very classy scuttle and woop.]

[Scene: Outside Hacking Jack's Fine Smokables. On the roof, Bender shines a torch onto a grate.]

[He cuts the grate open and lowers himself through it.]

[Cut to: Hacking Jack's Fine Smokables. Bender lowers himself from the roof à la Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible and stops just above the case containing the Grand Cigar. He gets a diamond out of his chest cavity and cuts through the glass with it then throws it in the bin. He reaches in and takes out the cigar.]

Bender: Le Grand Cigar! She is mine! And with absolutely no consequences.

[He cackles and raises himself out of the room. In the corner a security camera watches him. The signal goes along a wire, down a dark tunnel, through the sewers where El Chupanibre terrorises the leg mutant, up a pole and through a dark hole.]

[Cut to: Police Station. Smitty watches the goings-on on a screen built into URL's chest.]

Smitty: You see that?

URL: Grand theft tobacco. Time to get off our fat, cop asses and ride!

[A flashing red light comes out of his head.]

[Scene: Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Hermes and Dwight walk past on the bamboo boots, sleeping. Elzar comes out the back door of the restaurant with a crate of fish.]

Elzar: Pee-yew! This fish is slightly too rotten to even make jambalaya.

[He tips the fish into a dumpster and leaves. The dumpster lid swings open and Leela and Amy climb out with the fish in a net.]

Amy: (whispering) So far, so good. Where's Kif?

[Behind them Kif groans as he is dragged along inside the net.]

[Scene: Guadalajara Brown Drip. Fry is jittery as he has his 51st cup.]

Fry: (shouting) This isn't Yemeni! It's Sulawesi! [He spits it out.] And the cup's shaking! I don't want my coffee shaking!

Bender: You seem a tad wound up, buddy. And your face is greasy. Real greasy! You been up all night?

Fry: Of course I've been up all night! Not because of caffeine. It was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee. I need a nap. [He goes to sleep for less than a second and wakes up and grabs a cup of coffee.] Coffee time!

[He gulps down his 52nd cup. Bender gets out his cigar and sniffs it.]

Bender: Ah! Mighty fine smokable!

Fry: Fancy cigar. Why don't you smoke it already? Puff, puff! Go, go, go, go, go!

Bender: Nah, you can't blow the smoke from such a majestic stogie in just anyone's face. I'm saving it for the fancy-pantses at Zapp Brannigan's black tie reception. You comin'?

[Fry nods jitterily.]

[Scene: Brooklyn Aquarium. Leela is kitted out in a swimming costume and flippers. The rotten fish is packed into her costume.]

Whale Biologist: And the fifth reason whales kill is for the sheer fun of it.

Leela: Anything else?

Whale Biologist: Yeah. You're lumpy and you smell awful. [Leela glares.] Hey, I calls 'em like I sees 'em! I'm a whale biologist.

[Leela turns to the tank.]

Leela: OK, Mushu, it's feeding time! [She dives in, not stopping to look at the "Please Do Not Feed The Whale" sign. Chewing sounds come from beneath the water and Leela comes up at the side of the tank gasping for air and not wearing her swimming costume.] Oh, crud! He ate my suit.

Whale Biologist: (offscreen) The suit was ugly. Whale biologist!

[Scene: Golf Club. Zoidberg swings at the ball but repeatedly misses.]

Caddy: Perhaps if you tightened your grip, sir?

Zoidberg: Ah! Thank you, golf slave. [He tightens his grip and cuts through the golf club.] Bah! Rich people wouldn't waste their time on this nonsense. Plus, these eggs are gritty and tasteless.

[He spits out three golf balls and whacks them with the half club.]

[Cut to: Picnic Site. Farnsworth and the woman kiss. One of Zoidberg's balls hits Farnsworth on the head.]

Farnsworth: Ow! Not so rough!

[Scene: Brooklyn Aquarium. A show has started and the bleachers are full of people. Kif, Amy and Bender are already there. Leela arrives wrapped in the "Please Do Not Feed The Whale" sign and gives the thumbs up. The Cookieville orphans and Warden Vogel sit in front of them.]

Whale Biologist: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Mushu, the educated whale who thinks he's better than you.

[The crowd cheers.]

Amy: C'mon, Mushu! Barf! Barf like a freshman!

Whale Biologist: And now, ignorant whale lovers, we'll see who's boss as I make Mushu jump through this hoop. Jump, Mushu! [Mushu jumps but he is so fat he gets stuck halfway through the ring.] Who wants a fish?

[Mushu throws up and the crowd gasps.]

Little Orphan: Mushu is sick!

[Smitty and URL stare as Bender sneaks out behind them.]

URL: It just keeps comin' and comin'.

Kif: Wait! That chunk. It's the watch! [Kif runs down the bleachers and dives into the water. The crowd cheers. He comes up in the middle of the vomit holding the watch.] I got it, Amy! I got it! The plan went off without a--

Whale Biologist: He's got aquarium property! Stop him!

URL: Better do what he says. He's a whale biologist.

[He lifts Kif out of the water.]

Smitty: You're under arrest, you squishy punk!

[Smitty puts the cuffs on Kif and he drops the watch. He sighs. Mushu regurgitates Leela's swimming costume.]

[Scene: Outside Museum of Natural History. Judge Whitey and his wife walk through a body scanner to the silk surplus reception. Two hobos try to follow them but a forcefield stops them and they fall over.]

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Zapp talks to Mom and her sons and Mayor Poopenmeyer.]

Zapp: The Spiderians, though weak and woman-like on the battlefield, are masters of the textile arts. Taste like king crab, by the way. Crazy bugs actually wove this tapestry of my heroic conquest while I was still killing them.

[Zoidberg scratches the tapestry and sniffs it.]

Zoidberg: What? It's not even scratch and sniff? But if rich people think it's good, I'll buy it. [He waves his $300 around.] One art, please!

[Mom laughs.]

Mom: What a clever impersonation of a stupid, poor person. How much is that placemat actually worth, Brannigan?

Zapp: Exactly $1 billion.

Mom: Now that's walking-around money!

[She blows her nose on her $300.]

Nixon: [on bill] What? Hey! Wait! Aroo!

[Zoidberg looks on sadly. Over on the other side of the room, Fry just about manages to pour himself his 99th cup of coffee. Bender "enjoys" a conversation with Whitey.]

Whitey: So I said to Kitty, "The only way to keep the butler from running away is to cut off his foot." [Bender chuckles unenthusiastically and lights his cigar.] Yes, it reminds me of a joke I heard about upper-middle-class people.

[Bender blows smoke in his face and he coughs. Elsewhere, Amy and Scruffy talk.]

Amy: (crying) I've never been sad at a party before. I wonder if my mind is thinking about Kif being in jail.

Scruffy: Jail's not so bad. You can make sangria in the terlet. Course, it's shank or be shanked.

Amy: (crying) Of course.

[Scene: Commander Riker's Island. Kif paces around in his cell still covered in the whale vomit.]

Whale Biologist: Look, just give back our property and we'll drop the charges.

Kif: Fine, have the watch. It's broken anyway.

[He throws the watch but a forcefield stops it from going through the bars and it bounces back and hits him on the head.]

Whale Biologist: I don't want your watch. You're covered in precious ambergris.

Kif: Precious ... hamburgers?

[The whale biologist sighs and presses a button on his belt. A holographic image of Roseanne appears.]

Holo-Roseanne: Ambergris. Noun. A grease-like product of the sperm whales digestive tract that is used as a base in the finest perfumes. This has been Roseanne, your guide to the world of facts.

[The holo-encyclopaedia shuts off.]

Whale Biologist: You heard Roseanne. Scrape off the priceless ambergris and I'll let you go.

Kif: Or-Or better yet, I'll simply shed my skin.

[He grunts as he takes it off.]

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Morbo's wife fiddles with his bow tie.]

Morbo: Stop it! Stop it! It's fine! I will destroy you!

[Bender walks past and blows smoke in their faces. They cough. Underneath a giant spider dress, Farnsworth and his girlfriend make out. A bell tolls.]

Farnsworth: Wha? [His stem cells start to come away from his skin and his gasps. His hands go wrinkly, his hairline recedes, his face goes floppy and his ears go hairy.] Uh, gotta go. Uh, fight club!

[He runs out from underneath the dress and covers his face. His girlfriend follows.]

Woman: What's happening, Hubie?

Farnsworth: I'm afraid the face you fell in love with was actually just a blob of living gunk I bought with my tax refund.

[He looks down at stem cell cream as it slides away.]

Woman: Well as long as we're being honest, I also spent my tax refund on a crazy treatment.

[She pulls a plug out of her navel and she swells up.]

Farnsworth: That certainly is honest.

Woman: It's better for us to both just be ourselves. You, wrinkled as a prune.

Farnsworth: You, fat as the queen of sea cows.

Woman: I love you!

[They kiss and she falls on him.]

Farnsworth: Oh, my!

[On the other side of the room Leela talks to Whitey and Kif is reunited with Amy.]

Kif: So, you see, the putrid, waxy substance I was coated with was--

Amy: Not precious ambergris!

Kif: Yes! And I managed to sneak some out in the usual place. Ta-da! [He hands it to Amy.] Using that, I'll make you a perfume of lilac and jasmine and frankenberry.

Amy: Oh, Kif, it's so romantic I can't even wait! I'm gonna wear it right now.

[She puts some on. Her tattoo splutters. Everyone else chokes at the stench.]

Mom: Who smells like freaking porpoise hork?

Amy: I do! Kiss me, Kif!

[They kiss. Zoidberg slinks out sadly.]

[Cut to: Outside Museum of Natural History. Zoidberg walks out through the fire exit and sits on a dustbin.]

Zoidberg: (crying) Oh, what a foolish squid I've been. I'm not rich. I can't even buy one measly masterpiece.

[He sobs. The hobos approach him.]

Gus: Pardon us, gent. Might a couple of hungry, hungry hobos take a feed from that aluminum snack box?

[Zoidberg gets off the bin and the hobos rummage through it.]

Zoidberg: So now I'm in the gutter, surrounded by bums who eat garbage? Money brought me no happiness. Bupkiss!

Hobo: Ooh! This boot's got a little pudding at the bottom.

[He licks it off.]

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Bender and Leela talk to Ben Beeler.]

Beeler: Interestingly, the Spiderians are more closely related to our elephants than our spiders.

[Bender blows smoke in his face and he coughs. Bender chuckles then gasps as Hermes and Dwight enter via the window, still walking around on the bamboo boots.]

Hermes: (shouting) Don't mind us!

[The start to go off balance and one of the bamboo legs knocks Bender's cigar out of his hand. It spins through the air and sets fire to the tapestry. The flames quickly spread.]

Nixon: The loot! The loot! The loot is on fire!

Zapp: Leela, my precious rock tub. I'll save you!

[He runs towards her but gets caught in a Spiderian web.]

Kif: Everyone! To the fire door!

Leela: It's on fire!

Farnsworth: We're trapped, my sweet hippopotamus!

[Amid the chaos Fry still finds time for a drink.]

Fry: Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee!

[He drinks the rest of the jug and his heartbeat rapidly increases. The ticker at the bottom of the screen shows it is his 100th cup. He starts to move in a slowed-down bullet-time world à la The Matrix. He gazes around the room. A champagne cork slowly shoots out of the top of a bottle. Outside, the wings of a hummingbird beat slowly à la the hummingbird in Star Trek: Insurrection. Fry blows out the fire that has engulfed Leela's shoe, picks her up and carries her away. Hermes and Dwight are in mid-fall. Fry picks them up, throws them over his shoulder and carries them out. He carries a few more people out. Kif is slowly blowing out the fire on Bender's burning arm. Fry squeezes his cheeks and the flames go away. He puts Bender, Kif and Amy onto the table with everyone else and wheels it out into the alley through the fire door. He picks up a fire extinguisher and quickly puts out the flames.]

[Cut to: Outside Museum of Natural History. Everyone looks around.]

Dwight: Where are we, Pops?

Farnsworth: Wha?

Woman: What happened to the food?

Leela: I think we were saved by a mysterious orange blur.

Zoidberg: Welcome, one and all. I finally figured out how money could make me happy. By using it to buy my hungry friends a feast.

[Behind him the hobos cheer.]

Hobo: Everyone join us. Oysters Rockefeller here has provided genuine turkey dogs!

Whitey: Heck, you're never too rich to enjoy a free turkey dog.

Amy: Yeah!

Bender: Alright! Turkey dog!

Woman: I'll take four!

Leela: Me too!

Mom: Oh, what the hell.

[Everyone sits down and eats. Zoidberg puts a pack of 36 Gobble Wieners on a barbecue.]

Hermes: Here, Dwight. The boots only cost $299.99. You invest this penny like you wanted.

Dwight: Thanks, Dad. I'm gonna take this and buy five shares of Amazon.com.

Hermes: A risk-taker? That's my boy!

[Poopenmeyer walks out of the building carrying Nixon's head.]

Nixon: The entire surplus is gone! Oh, what a McGovern I've been! Why did I have to issue that crooked tax rebate?

Leela: At least we got a few mildly interesting stories out of it.

Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes.

Bender: Speaking of which, my story kinda petered out without me learning a lesson.

[He laughs. Smitty and URL burst through a door.]

Smitty: There he is!

[Bender panics. They grab him and bash him with their lightsabers.]

Bender: Alright! Closure!

[Closing Credits.]

Holo-Roseanne: [over credits] Futurama. Noun. Um, I don't know, you just watched it, dummy. What are you asking me for? Hey, here's a fun definition: Idiot. Noun. You! [She laughs and snorts.] This has been Roseanne, your guide to the world of facts.