Bob Fires the Kids

Gene, what are you doing?

Tanning! It's the middle of summer and I look like a British lady.

Hey, slow it down, George Hamilton.

You want to look like an Oompa Loompa?

Gene, if you want a tan, why don't you go out in the burger suit for a while and hand out samples?

No way. I don't want burger lines.

(door opens) MAN: Package for Bob Belcher.

Dad, that's you!

Thanks, Gene.

A mystery package!

What could it be?

Huh, the return address is my dad's old restaurant.

That's weird.

There's a note.

It's from those ladies who bought your dad's place.

"Dear Bob, the workmen found this box when they were redoing the air vents. We were afraid it had vibrators in it. Boy, were we relieved."

If you think about it, any box could have vibrators in it.

Oh, my God, it's my toys!

Wow, I haven't seen these since I was just a kid.

I used to hide it from my dad because he didn't want me to have toys during work hours.

Joke's on you, Dad.

Someone filled your toy box with trash.

What? No.

This is my friend Brilly.

A scouring pad?

A scouring pal.

And my World War II fighter plane.

And my dog, Mr. Doglavich.

That's soap.

Yeah, but see?

It's sort of shaped like a dog. Mm...

What is this feeling I'm feeling right now?

It's like I'm sad for another person?

Is that a thing?

Am I going crazy?!

Look, times were different when I was growing up.

We had to make our own fun.

Here, try these.

You'll see.

Ow.

See?

Now I get it.

If anything, this is too fun.

I want to pet the dog!

No, Mr. Doglavich!

Sorry, Dad.

He's dead.

You could take him to the soap vet.

No, I can't, Tina!

We're going to bury him out back.

Everybody get your coats.

Bob, stop it now.

No!

It's summer!

That's my dog!

He's dead!

Go take a time-out.

I'm gonna write a eulogy.

I knew you so briefly, you dead soap dog.

Oh!

I think I can fix him.

There you go, good as new.

Who's a good boy?

Woof-woof!

Fetch, Mr. Doglavich.

Man: Get back to work, Bob.

(mimics machine gun)

Die!

Get back to work, Bob.

(bicycle bell ringing)

(kids laughing)

(model plane trilling)

(dog barking)

Get back to work, Bobby.

Oh, my God.

Lin, I just realized something.

I had a bad childhood.

Yeah, I know.

What do you mean you know?

Look at you.

What do you mean, look at me?

Look at how you stand.

People who had good childhoods don't stand like that.

I thought I remembered having fun working at my dad's place, but I was just working... all the time.

And snuggling with steel wool.

And petting a piece of soap.

(sighs)

I guess talking about it helps.

(snoring)

(humming "Bridal Chorus")

(both grunting)

(groans)

Kids, get back to work.

(echoing): Get back to work...

Oh, my God! Linda!

Kids, your mother and I have an announcement.

Buh, buh-buh-buh, buh-baa!

You're having another baby?

At your age?!

Sick!

I knew I spotted a bump.

What?! No, I'm gassy.

No, guys.

Okay, here it goes.

Kids... you're fired.

Buh, buh-buh-ba!

Ex-squeeze me?

You're all fired.

I deserve this.

I've been coasting.

This isn't punishment, it's, it's a gift.

My dad made me work all the time.

And that box of toys...

Horrible toys.

Yes, horrible toys, made me realize that I never had any fun.

So, I want you to go out and have the summer and the childhood that I never had.

So go out! Go outside!

Go be children!

But what are we supposed to do?

Have a water balloon fight.

Play in a vacant lot.

Ride bikes.

I'm more of an indoor boy.

I can't defend myself, I've been declawed. Gene...

All right, well, I guess we're gonna take off.

Arrivedercis.

Bye, Mom and Dad.

Keep in touch.

Don't change.

See you in the fall.

Tina, you can come home at night.

Ah, phew.

I'm glad you kids store your bikes in my garage.

It's fun for me.

Sometimes I pretend I have three kids of my own and these are their bikes.

Which kid is your favorite?

Jeremy.

He needs me the most.

The twins have each other.

Whoa.

Sometimes I come in here just so I can trip over 'em.

I'll be, like, (growls)

"The kids left their bikes here again."

All right!

Summer fun starts now!

(grunts)

Oh.

♪ Fun, fun... fun-fun ♪ ♪ Fun, fun... fun-fun ♪ ♪ Fun-fun-fun, fun-fun-fun ♪ ♪ Fun-fun-fun, fun-fun-fun, fun-fun-fun! ♪

Ah! Diapers!

So, how would you feel about, um... how do I say this?... uh, deferred payments?

I wouldn't pay you now, but... eventually I would, in the future.

What I'm gonna ask you isn't totally legal.

It's not a s*x thing, though, so...

Okay, I guess I'll keep these resumés on file.

Maybe we can get an unpaid intern.

Ooh, they could do coffee runs!

Lin, we have coffee here.

I don't care.

No one's ever gotten me coffee!

Everybody on the floor!

This is a stickup! (both gasp)

(laughs) Mickey! Ah, you're out of the slammer.

Bob, Linda. bring it in. Aw...

Hey... how's my favorite hostage?

I thought you got eight years.

You didn't escape, did you?

It turned out the prosecutor was on meth for the entire trial!

(gasps)

And he drove his car into a peacock sanctuary.

Now he's in jail and I'm out!

Oh, good for you.

I'll get you a beer A beer'd be nice.

Hey, where are those whippersnappers of yours, huh?

Uh, I fired them.

What? No!

That sounds harsh.

We laid them off to go enjoy themselves.

Ah, yeah, sure, breaking windows, lightin' fires, huffin' paint, Um... sniffin' glue, blowin' up houses, settin' rats in a bottle and throwin' 'em down a river and...

No, none of those things.

So, what's next for you, Mickey?

What're you gonna do?

Goin' straight, Bob!

Gonna get a job.

Find myself a gal.

Or... I don't know what people do nowadays.

Build a-a barn maybe.

Um... Paint the barn with the gal.

Put the gal in the barn and...

Yeah, maybe.

You know, American dream.

Gal and a barn.

Yeah.

Hey, Bobby, psst.

What psst?

We can both hear you, Lin.

What about ickey-May for the ob-jay?

I'm pretty sure he can understand you, Lin.

What language is that?

Oh. Uh... wow.

Well, Mickey, if you're serious about finding a job, we-we need someone for the summer. Oh.

We can't pay you that much, honey.

Not even what we're legally supposed to.

I'd work for meals and a cot in the basement.

Um... I guess you could sleep in the basement.

(laughs) Oh, yay! Oh, I love it!

We got the team back together again, huh?

Oh!

The three amagos.

Olé!

Ugh! Summer is awful.

There's too much pressure to enjoy yourself.

It's like New Year's Eve for kids.

We should probably go by the restaurant.

I bet that place is falling apart without us by now.

Well, we've sown our wild oats.

Things got crazy!

Anyways, no need to grovel, Dad.

We're back.

We all said things we didn't mean.

You said: "You're fired."

You did not mean that.

It sounded very insincere as I remember, and I thought, "No."

(pots clattering)

Oh, my God, is someone here?

Um...

Uh...

Hey, baby Bobs!

Kids, you remember Mickey.

You fired us for a bank robber?

Hey!

Look, Mickey, we're back now, so you can turn in your apron.

Louise, no.

You guys are just our kids now, not our employees.

Is that all we are to you, Dad?

Your children?!

Yes, and I want you to go have fun.

Never!

Stop fighting it and give it a chance!

You can't make us leave.

(all grunting)

Hell no, I won't go!

Hell no, I won't go!

Uh! why are you guys stronger than me?

Pilates!

This is for your own good!

Fine! We'll ride our bikes.

Oh, yeah, we'll ride 'em so far you'll never see us again!

Okay, bye, kids.

Have fun.

Bye, Mom.

Guys, I think we're lost.

I know.

And all this breathing is making me hungry.

Blueberry bushes!

We're saved!

Is this a farm?

I thought those were extinct.

We can't just eat these berries.

They probably belong to someone.

If you don't want people to eat your fruit, grow it inside a safe.

I don't know how animals do it.

Fruit is just bad, and they know it.

Hello, children!

(shrieks)

Farmers!

How did those get in there?

Don't worry, we've got plenty of berries.

Eat as many as you want.

Or if you'd rather have sandwiches, we have plenty at the house.

And lizards.

I'll eat both.

...and then I woke up nude on horseback in the forest, and there she was, my Beverly.

I had wandered away from a community birthing in a barn nearby.

She looked like a faerie queene pooping under a tree.

♪ A faerie queene pooping under a tree. ♪

30 years and five kids later, and we're still doing it.

Gene: Ew...

Well, we've got an empty nest now, but we still have our farm.

Our dad has a restaurant.

We used to work there, but he fired us.

Oh, now, that's a shame.

We always let our kids work here.

Beverly, I have a crazy idea.

♪ They could work here... ♪ ♪ Work here. ♪

We couldn't afford to pay you much.

Just, say, ten dollars a day.

Ten dollars?!

I could start saving for my Porsche Cayenne.

But Dad doesn't want us to work.

Dad doesn't have to know.

Are we gonna send him a letter?

You gonna call him up? No.

You gonna find a phone and call Dad and tell him stuff? No.

Seems like Dad told us to just make our way, didn't he?

Well, I guess I don't want any gaps in my resumé.

That's right.

You don't.

Good, because we've got a lot you could do.

Yes, they could pick the weed... s.

Great idea, Bev.

We have a terrible weed problem.

(both giggling)

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

I don't get it!

Morning, kids!

Can I get you anything?

I'll just have your coffee.

Give it back.

I'll just have a sip.

Louise! No time, Louise.

We're late.

Late for what?

Late to... for our...

(clears throat) What would we be late for?

It's not like we have jobs or anything.

'Cause we're late for the pier.

Yeah, we gotta go to the pier.

Yeah, the pier.

To do our pier, our rock stuff.

What's rock stuff?

What do you mean...?

Oh, droppin' rocks...

Yeah.

...in the water.

Sounds fun.

Yeah. Yeah. I can disorient a fish.

Nice.

Well, as long as you kids are having fun.

Oh, yeah.

Ah.

Summer rocks are the best rocks.

Boy, we should go.

Well, drop one for me.

(chicken squawking)

I want your nuggets!

(Gene grunting)

You two little critters will be our pickers.

Now come with me.

Gene has tons of experience picking his nose.

And my butt.

Tina, you'll be our blueberry delivery girl.

Just remember, if you get jammed up, you don't know my name and you don't know where this farm is.

I don't know where this farm is.

Exactly.

Mickey: Ta-da!

Wow, Mickey, you handed out the whole tray of samples already?

Sure did, Bob.

And, ah, you don't mind the burger suit?

I love it.

I love it.

I know who I am in this.

I'm the burger.

Right.

Sorry, it's a little tight.

But, yeah. It is.

It's incredibly snug.

It looks fine.

It's good.

I'm gonna need your help taking this off, I think.

If that's all right?

Oh, uh, yeah, sure.

I'll, uh, try and pull the...

No, you see, there's snaps in the crotch that my arms aren't long enough to get down to.

If you could just... this and that.

Yeah, I don't want to touch down there, so...

Well, I need you to, 'cause that's what I can't reach.

If you could root in there real quick and just pop 'em out.

Um... ugh.

Let me just, ah... get in there.

Yeah, oh, okay, it's hairy, yup.

Mickey: Ah, there you go.

Thanks, man.

Whoa, Mickey. You're not wearing any underwear.

Do not wear underwear in prison.

Someone could choke you with it.

Well, why don't you leave the burger suit on then, huh?

All right.

Hey, Mickey's a pretty good worker, huh? Yeah.

He's the helpful, enthusiastic employee we've never had.

I wish he'd wear underwear though.

Yeah, hold the pickle, ha-ha!

And that's how you pick the weeds!

Which ones are the weeds?

They all are.

Why are the weeds inside?

So that they aren't outside, messing up the blueberries.

Why don't you just set this whole greenhouse on fire?

Be done with it.

Oh, we're going to, one dime at a time.

(hums)

I'll sing you a work song.

♪ Well, we work ♪ ♪ And we work and we work all day ♪ ♪ Work, work, work in America, work ♪ ♪ And we workin' in the weeds and American work ♪ ♪ And workin' in the weeds and a work, work, work ♪ ♪ And worky-work-work, and come on, Gene. ♪ ♪ Pick up the pace, come on, buddy, there we go. ♪

Good day. Hello.

Howdy.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, I have your blueberry delivery.

Hey all right, new blueberry girl.

How's this batch, pretty kind?

Yeah, kind to your body.

Because of antioxidants.

Hello, Belcher child.

Does your father know what you're doing?

No, he thinks I'm having summer fun. Good.

Let's keep it that way.

Let's keep it that way.

Ooh, blueberries.

I'm ready for a bake-off.

(groaning sound)

Tina?

Oh, it's just the refrigerator.

Hey, fridge.

You sure sounded like Tina a second ago.

Wonder what she's doing right now.

And I wonder what Gene's doing.

Probably farting.

(Mickey laughing)

(laughing)

What's so funny?

The burger of the day, Bob.

I just noticed it.

The "Beets Me Burger."

(laughing)

That's brilliant.

It works on so many levels.

Well, it's not that good.

I mean...

Louise would come up with a better one than that.

Like, she would write, like, "Dia-beets-es Burger, comes with insulin."

Oh... that's in poor taste, huh?

Sure, but that's what makes it fun...

That doesn't sound fun.

It sounds hurtful.

That's a really terrible disease.

Well, I know it is...

My grandmother had that disease.

Well, I'm sorry.

B.B. King has that disease.

Shut up, Mickey.

Sorry, but just hush.

Ten dollars in my pocket, Gene got bitten by a lizard, we're living the dream, guys.

I just wish Mom and Dad worked at the farm with us.

Yeah, I miss making fun of Dad's B.O.

I'm too scared to make fun of Cooper and Beverly's smell.

I think there's something seriously wrong with them.

Hey blueberry girl, do you have any extra blueberries on you?

No. And don't ever come here again, you hear me?

My parents don't know I deliver blueberries, get it?

Okay, whatever.

No.

Do you get it?

Don't... come... here... again.

Okay, bye.

That was a close one.

People love fruit!

I will never understand it.

It's not that good.

(calypso music playing)

Bob.

Hmm?

Mickey's playing his calypso again.

Can you say somethin'?

You go.

Come on, get up.

All right.

(music playing, Mickey singing)

♪ Is that a parakeet in my hat? ♪ ♪ No, no, no ♪ ♪ That's not a parakeet in ya hat ♪ ♪ Is that an alligator Mickey? ♪ ♪ Want to eat the parakeet? Mickey? ♪ ♪ The alligator say... Mickey? ♪ ♪ No, I do not want the parakeet ♪

Hello, Mickey?!

Ha-ho-ho, hey, Bob!

What's that?

Oh, this?

Oh, you've never seen this movie? It's great.

It's a guy, he wants to be big.

Then he gets big, he doesn't want to be big anymore, then he gets small, but the suit's too big.

I'm talking about behind the poster, Mickey.

Oh, um...

Are you making a hole in my wall?

No, no, no.

I was fixing that.

Fixing it with a pick?

Yes.

Mickey?

All right, look, Bob.

Don't tell anybody, but I'm digging my way to the bank.

What? Come on, no.

It's the perfect crime.

I've got double jeopardy!

What do you mean you have double jeopardy?

I'm robbing the same bank, Bob.

They can't try me for it again.

Yes, they can, Mickey.

Look, remember how you held me hostage?

Of course I do, silly.

That's how we met.

And there were SWAT teams, and helicopters, and negotiators?

Yeah, it was great, right?

It wasn't great, Mickey.

That's the only time in my whole life I ever want to have SWAT guys pointing guns at my face.

Just that one time.

Never again. Got it?

So, are you cool with me finishing my tunnel?

No. You may not tunnel through my basement to a bank.

I forbid it!

Fine, then, Bob, why don't you fire me?

Okay, you're fired.

You're firing me?!

Look, you can stay tonight, but tomorrow you're gonna have to find another place.

Okay. That's cool.

I'm taking the pick.

No!

Oh, Bob. I tell you.

Uh-huh.

It's gonna be really tough to find a job within 50 feet of the bank that will also let me sleep in the basement.

Hmm.

Well, I'm sure there's something.

Oh, I'm so clumsy.

Better clean that up, Mickey.

Actually, I fired Mickey.

And good news, I'm hiring you all back full time, starting right now.

So you can clean it up!

Uh... sorry, Dad, but we can't do that.

Look, I know what I said before about wanting you to have fun, but the thing is, my childhood was terrible because I actually had to work, and my dad never smiled or laughed.

Yeah, mine neither.

And he had a drinking problem.

Oh, been there, man.

Open up some fresh wounds here, Bob.

All right, Mickey, enough.

All right.

(clears throat)

I spent last night thinking about this, and I'm a pretty good dad.

Yeah, Mom's the one with the drinking problem.

The problem is I don't have a friggin' drink in my hand!

(laughing)

The point is, you guys don't have a hard life, you know?

You just goof around.

And you should be goofing around here at home, with us.

Dad, we've moved on.

We got other jobs.

What?!

We're working girls now!

You're a girl?

Yes.

Nah.

Yes.

He's not.

He's not.

No.

Tell that to my v*g1n*!

You got other jobs? What do you mean, you got other jobs?

What about the restaurant?

Oh, that's adorable, Dad.

You thought that you could snap your fancy dad fingers and we'd come crawling back.

You thought if you didn't want us, nobody else would?

Well, guess what, Cooper and Beverly wanted us!

Who's Cooper and Beverly?

Cooper and Beverly?

They're farmers.

And they smell great, so don't even bother asking.

They still have farms?

Where do they have farms?

Way out in the country where a man can breathe the air.

Sorry, Dad. I hope we can still be friends.

Wait. Wait.

What are they paying you?

I'll match it.

Ten dollars a day.

Never mind.

Have a good day. Bye, guys!

Hey, is that blueberry delivery girl with the glasses here?

You mean Tina?

She's not here.

Well, I need to return these blueberries.

Can you tell her they were mostly stems and seeds?

I want a replacement or my 40 bucks back.

Okay, I'll let her know.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

That was weird.

Wow, 40 bucks?

Those are expensive blueberries.

They're probably organic.

(sniffing)

Oh, they smell like a music festival.

(sniffs)

Huh, you're right.

Bob: Oh, my God, Lin.

Are the kids working on a pot farm?

(gasps): Ooh.

Oh, yeah, the old false-bottom blueberry box.

I remember these from when I was a kid.

We have to go get the kids.

But we have no idea where this pot farm is.

I may have some idea of exactly where it is.

Mickey: No, wait, go back, go back, go back, go back.

Wow, this isn't what I pictured.

It's nice.

Hey, I've been there, buddy.

Remember, they can't cage this.

What are you doing on our property?

We want our kids.

What kids? There are no kids here.

Tina: Hi, Dad.

Oh, hey...

Hello.

Oh, you mean our kids.

Your kids?

Those are our kids!

Come on, guys.

Get in the car.

Now. Let's go.

Mom, Dad, we already explained this.

We work here now. Okay?

You're acting a little desperado.

No, Louise, you no longer work here.

Dad, small farms are the backbone of America.

Willie Nelson would love this place!

Yes, he would, Gene, but not for the reason you're thinking of.

(helicopter whirring)

Bob: Oh, no. No, no.

No SWAT teams! No guns!

Code red, Mother!

Code red!

B-Bob, what do I do?

I've never been an innocent bystander before.

Just get your hands up, Mickey.

Eh, like that?

What?

No. Up.

Like this?

The... you're doing like kitty paws.

Up. Up. Higher.

Higher? Like that?

No, all the way up.

Like past my shoulders?

Get down! Everybody down!

Hey, I know that guy.

Hi.

Hi.

Pedal, Daddy, pedal!

Both: Right! Left! Right! Left!

♪ Right, baby, left ♪ ♪ Right, left ♪ ♪ Right... ♪

Federal agent: Stop!

And, uh, oh, let's take a right.

Let's keep it moving.

♪ Right, and turning ♪ ♪ And a little more right. ♪

Stop, please.

Oh, my God.

♪ We got to get out of here before they catch us ♪

Whoa! Now this is summer fun!

Cooper: Oh, hey, how you doing, guys?

♪ Let's head over this way. ♪

I'm getting a little dizzy.

Louise: And that's why I believe blueberries should be decriminalized.

(sighs)

Louise, sit down.

(school bell ringing)

Okay, that's recess.

Uh, be cool out there.

Don't Bogart the snacks.

And if the po-po rolls up, your first call's to your lawyer, not your mom.