The Best Christmas Story Never Told

Ah, the lighting of the town Christmas tree. Can you think of anything more American? - An American flag? - Or- Or an American flag with Christmas trees for stars. Ooh! That would make a good cake. Note to self: I like cake. Well, isn't that cute? Roger's making a snow angel. A face-down snow angel in a pile of angel vomit. He's passed out, Mom. He's been binge drinking since Thanksgiving. Get up, Roger! What the hell's wrong with you? Another year on this planet and I ha-haven't- I haven't accomplished squat! Can't even drink myself to death. Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. - You've only been here four years. - Try 60. - You've been here 60 years? - Yeah. I crashed in Roswell in '47. Thanks for finally asking. Six decades of dragging my ass around this blue marble and what do I have to show for it? Nothing! Laugh it up, Ma! You were right! I'm a loser! Don't judge me, fatty! Damn it, Roger! Get ahold of yourself! You're not going to spoil my Christmas. Can I have everyone's attention? I've just been handed this injunction which means we have to cancel this function. - You're rhyming again. - I know. I hear it. I'm trying not to. It says here that the square is public land and, therefore, isn't an appropriate place for religious icons. What? We're going to let the secularist nonbelievers dictate how we celebrate Jesus' birthday? Actually, I kinda see their point. I mean, if you're not Christian all this Christmas stuff might make you feel a little uncomfortable. Oh, I cannot wait for the rapture! You're gonna be left behind! You're gonna be left behind! You're gonna be left behind! You're gonna be left- Stan! Post-rapture, feel free to use our pool. You know, if it isn't boiling. Francine, I'm going to completely lose my Christmas cheer if I don't get someplace where they understand this holiday pronto. - We can stop by church. - I don't need to be bored, Francine. I need to be reminded of what Christmas is all about. To the shopping mall! Ah, this is more like it. Two teenagers sitting on an old man's lap as a midget snaps a picture. If that doesn't commemorate our Savior's birth, I don't know what does. This year, Santa smelled like whiskey and the midget smelled like pot. I know! When did they change it up? Stan, did you remember to get a gift for Roger? Roger? He's not a Christian. You think he cares that 2,000 years ago our Lord and Savior was born in a "mangler"? - I think you mean "manger. " - No, no. Honey, you're thinking of"manager. " Just get him something, Dad. He's so depressed. Fine. - One of your items, please. - How about this cassette? - Is it 99 cents? - It's $1. 07 with tax. - You ever think about changing the sign? - It's not really up to me. Well, merry Christmas. Happy holidays. I, uh, said "Merry Christmas. " - Happy holidays. - Just say, "Merry Christmas. " - Management doesn't want us saying that. - Just say it! Uh, I had a gun. Happy holidays! I used to love Christmas. But now the liberals have decided that- Christmas is offensive. Someone's feelings could get hurt. You know who's to blame for this? Well, do you? - Jane Fonda. - Jane Fonda. Today's liberals are yesterday's hippies. And those hippies would have worn themselves out dancing in the mud but, no, she had to revitalize their dying movement by going to North Vietnam and humanizing the enemy. "I'm HanoiJane. Don't kill Communists. Look at my boobies. " That was the beginning of the end. Oh, here we go, Stan. Christmas carolers. - Welcome, ye gentle carolers. - Oh, we're not here to sing. We're just here to warn people about the Holiday Rapist. You mean the "Christmas Rapist. " The guy who strikes every year on Christmas. Yeah. They've asked us to call him the Holiday Rapist. No. He's the Christmas Rapist. He rapes on Christmas. Is nothing sacred? Christmas is dead! What are you doing? If I can't say it, I'm not gonna celebrate it. Daddy's breaking all the presents Chinese kids made for me. Stan Smith, is this your idea of a good Christmas? Destroying your children's presents and terrifying Roger? Is it over? If anyone's ruined Christmas, it's you! And you can think about that while you're sleeping on the couch! On the couch? But the window is broken and the Christmas Rapist is on the loose. Holiday Rapist! Arise and awaken, Stan Smith. Holiday Rapist! I mean, Christmas Rapist! I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. Why? Why are you here? Because you've forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. Take my sleeve, Stan. - This is where I grew up. - Yes, Stan. - And that happy little boy is you. - Whoa! 'Tis Christmas morn, 1970. President Nixon is in the White House. The Partridge Family toppeth the charts with "I Think I Love You. " And Jane Fonda is filming her Oscar-winning role in Klute. Ah, look at you, basking in the love of your family. You knew what Christmas was about back then, didn't you, Stan? Stan? What? Hey, no, no, no! Dude, where are you going? You can't run away! Great. My first gig as Christmas Past and I tank it. Couldn't be happy with just being the tooth fairy. No, no. It's too steady. "Live risky. Reach for the stars. " Well, that's not stardust on your hands, Michelle. It's failure, and it don't wash off. I should have just married Chad. There's only one way to save Christmas- KillJane Fonda. - Gotcha. - Hey, suit guy, totally nude nudes. No time, friend. I've got to killJane Fonda before she goes to Vietnam and ruins Christmas. All right, Ms. Fonda. Action! - Gross. - Cut! Beautiful, Jane. That fork thing- genius. Thanks. I figured, "Hey, share the experience. " Remove any notion of ownership. I mean, who's really the pet here, right? Oh, you are so dead. What the hell! You have to help me. I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past and I took your husband back to 1970, and he bolted on me. You lost my husband in the past? Look, if a mom takes a kid to the mall and loses the kid, do you blame the mom? No! No, you don't! No! Anyway, can you help me find him? I don't understand. Why would Stan run away? Beats me. One minute I'm talking about President Nixon and Jane Fonda - the next minute he's gone. - Oh. I think I know where he went. Be right with you. Um, we're kind of in a hurry. I'm not going back to that filthy decade without some Purell. Come on, Don. I'm just an actress. Jane, you have the power to be so much more than that. Donald Sutherland? You're destined to be a great woman. You know, you should get involved in politics. - I don't know. - Let's talk about this later- Over drinks, maybe at my place? I got it all wrong. Sutherland pushed her into politics. He's the one I have to kill. What did you say? Um- Are you here to giveJane her massage? Yes. Yes, that seems pretty fun. All right, Miss Fonda, lie down. You can finish that cat food later. Donald Sutherland! Ooh, Donald Sutherland. - You on the list? - Uh, yeah, Jack Nichol- I always mix them up. Not the golfer. The guy in About Schmidt. He was the one in the hot tub with the big lady from Dolores Claiborne? Kathy Bates. I am Kathy Bates. Back of the line. Ooh! Cold. Cold. But flattering. So did you get that part on Ryan's Hope? No. They really liked me, but they're going with someone a little more flesh-colored with a nose. Give it up, loser. I'm not a loser! "Disco's Greatest Hits. " "Best songs from 1974 to 1980. " This tape is from the future. But that's impossible! On the other hand, I'm a spaceman working at Elaine's so maybe I should open my mind a bit. Have you seen Donald Sutherland? You might want to check between Faye Dunaway's legs. Hold it now. That smells like a marijuana cigarette. It makes me high like one too. Maybe that's what it is. What's your name, funny guy? - Marty. Marty Scorsese. - Martin Scorsese? Wow! Oh, you're amazing. - I love your work. - You saw my six-minute film about a guy shaving? Let's just say the world has yet to recognize your genius. But you're never gonna win an Oscar hopped up on the dope. You know what, man? You're right. I'm proud of you. Come on, bring it in. Your eyebrows tickle. Oh, okay. Like you've never overshot a freeway exit. Oh, look how cute. You know, you should get involved in politics. Let's talk about it over drinks. Maybe at my place? Let's talk about it over your brains. Maybe all over the place? Delightful. - Ow. - Stan, you can't killJane Fonda. Don't worry. Sutherland's my new target. That lanky, Canadian, Kiefer-spawning bastard's going down. No. Anything you do here in the past could have drastic consequences in the future. Well, too bad. I'm here to save Christmas, and you can't stop me! - Wrong. We're going home. - Oh, man! What the hell happened to our house? Hey, I didn't screw up, okay? - This is the right year, and we're in the right place. - But everything's different. Steve? Hayley? Run! - What the- - Look out! What's a Soviet tank doing in America? I'll tell you what it's doing here. You changed something in the past that affected the future. Stan Smith, you destroyed America! - Francine! - What? I've had to pee since the '70s. How could I have destroyed America? Well, I don't know if I had said this yet but when something in the past gets changed, it affects the future! Think, Stan. What did you do when you were back in 1970? Nothing. I went to the set of Klute. I gaveJane Fonda a massage. - What? - Honey, it was 1970. It was before I knew you. Oh, right. Sorry. No. It wasn't any of that. No. Um, I met Martin Scorsese, got him off drugs. Getting Scorsese off drugs means he never did all the cocaine that fueled him to make Taxi Driver. Which means he never castJodie Foster. Which means John Hinckley never obsessed over her. And he never tried to impress her by shooting President Reagan. Which means Reagan was never empowered by surviving an assassination attempt. He must have lost to Mondale in '84. Bingo! Forty-seven days into his presidency Mondale handed complete control of the U. S. Over to the Soviet Union. I guess that explains the statue. - Stan, we have to make this right. - I'm way ahead of you. There's only one way to save America. I have to go back in time and make Taxi Driver. What? Stan, that's crazy. No, he's right. If that movie doesn't get made in 1974 - you'll end up Commies, and I'll be out of a job. - Let's go! - Hyah! Hyah! Time-travel me. - Yeah, that's not how it works. Okay. No more slipups. We're just here to make a movie. Let's try not to leave our dirty fingerprints all over 1974. - Mr. Epstein, Clive Davis is here to see you. What do you think, Clive? Funky! This is gonna be even bigger than the six other hits you've given me! You've single-handedly created the disco revolution. - It's what I do, baby. - I mean, it's uncanny. It's like you've reached into the future to bring back hit after hit. Congratulations. You just made your first million. Hey, baby. - Whoo! Whoo! - Oh, yeah. I like that. I'm a winner, Ma! Look at me now! Now don't look for a second. Whoo! You can look again, Ma! You talking to me? You talking to me? Cut! - Come on, man. What's wrong now? - Why were you talking to the mirror? Because Travis is such a loner, he's desperate for any interaction even if it's just with his own reflection. Didn't look like you were talking to your reflection. Looked like you were talking to the mirror. Like I was having a conversation with the actual mirror? - Yeah. - Not the person in the mirror? No. Now let's do it again. And this time- You're an idiot. I quit. Stan, you can't let him quit. The movie's gotta be the same. No, it doesn't. Jodie Foster's the one Hinckley falls for, right? So Robert De "Zero" wants to quit, fine. Now I can make this movie with the actor I wanted from the start. Okay, that's Hinckley. Howdy, pilgrim. Let's go home, Iris. La lengua "de la" cinema es universal. - Hey, excuse me. How did you like the movie? - Eh. But how about thatJodie Foster? Pretty hot, huh? I bet you'd have to do something really special to impress a girl like that. That's disgusting. She's 12. Yeah, a hard 12! Grass on the field! Go shoot the president! Well, that's it. Hinckley hated it. We failed. Good-bye, America. Good-bye, Christmas. Wait, no! No, no. No good-bye, Christmas. I can't go back to the tooth fairy guild. Okay? I burned that bridge when I left a little going-away present on my boss's desk. So- Did you know D. N. A. Is in poo? 'Cause I sure didn't. Come on. Come on. We can still fix this. - Where are we? - Washington, D. C., March 30, 1981. Hey, that's the Secret Service. President Reagan's inside. Reagan? He's my hero. Wait. This is the Hilton. This is where Hinckley shot Reagan. Yeah. This is where Hinckley used to shoot Reagan. But not anymore. Remember? Listen, Stan. I know you love Reagan. But you screwed things up. You have to make them right. You have to shoot the president. Great record-release party, Roger. The greatest, baby. We did it! Hello? Larry! Hey, hold on. I'm gonna put you on speaker. - Everyone, it's Larry! - Larry! Hear that? They love you, Lar, and so do I. - How'd the record do? - Take me off speaker, Roger. No. These are my friends. How many albums did we sell? Give me the number, you crazyJew. - Uh, 90. - Ninety million! No, 90. Ninety records. Disco's dead. You're broke. What the hell are you talking about, Larry? Hey, hey, don't leave. The party's not over. But what about my investments? What about all my racehorses? I thought you were feeding them. My God! I'm ruined! Ruined! There's no way I'm shooting Reagan. So we might as well start learning Russian. I wonder how you say "Hold the door" in Russian. I'm probably gonna miss a lot of elevators at first. But, Stan, if the Soviets control the U. S., there really won't be a Christmas. No decorations, no pageants, no Santa. I'll miss all that. But at least I'll still have you and the kids. What kids? If you don't fix this, you and Francine might never meet. Your kids might never be born. The future depends on what you do now. - There he is! Mr. President! - Hmm. - It's go time. - Are you sure you can do this? Francine, I came back here to save Christmas. But the most important part of Christmas is you and the kids. Now remember, you only need to wing him. Wow, thank you. Geez. That- That would have been ugly. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Did it work? No tanks! No Russian troops! Hey, boy! What day is this? - Why, it's Christmas, sir. - That's wonderful! Now get the hell off my lawn! We did it, Francine. We're having Christmas after all. You fixed everything. He sure did. This one is for you, but I think it's broken. That's okay, beautiful. I already have everything I want. Merry Christmas, Roger. I got your Christmas right here. That's- That's where my genitals are. I created disco, you know. Ja, ja, and you lost it all, and Clive Davis hogged your eight ball. We've heard it a million times. Get over it already! Yeah, you're right. Who got me what? Psst. Stan. I made it to the mall in time last night. - So I got you a little something, you know, for saving my butt. - Oh. Wow, a brand-new Glock. Wait. How'd you buy this last night? - There's a seven-day waiting period. The Brady Bill. - Oh, you only shot Reagan. No, there is no Brady Bill. You can get a gun like that. This is the best Christmas ever. Bye! Have a beautiful time!