The Matrimonial Momentum


 * Penny: So, what package are you thinking?
 * Leonard: Mm, this one comes with music and flowers. Oh, they even stream the whole thing live on the Internet.
 * Penny: Why would we want that?
 * Leonard: 'Cause there's a lot of gorgeous blondes out there who don't believe they can land a short, nearsighted scientist. Let's give them hope.
 * Penny: Whatever. Put us on the Internet. I've always wanted a wedding with a comment section.
 * Leonard: If you're not OK with this we can put it off to another time.
 * Penny: No. I want to. We've put this off long enough. Let's do it.
 * Leonard: That's the same thing you said the first time we slept together.


 * (The Apartment 4A scene where Sheldon is on the phone to his mother)
 * Sheldon: Hello, Mother.
 * Mary: Shelly! How's my baby doing?
 * Sheldon: I just wanted to let you know that you can remove Amy from your nightly prayers. Unless you're open to praying for a beehive to fall on her head.
 * Mary: Oh, what's going on?
 * Sheldon: She broke up with me.
 * Mary: Oh, Shelly.
 * Sheldon: No, I'll be okay. But I think that I'd like to send the ring back to you.
 * Mary: Well, let's not be hasty. Are you sure it's over for good?
 * Sheldon: It's over for me. I'm done with women. Like when I swore off Pop Rocks. They both hurt you on purpose.
 * Mary: You want to tell me what happened?
 * Sheldon: Are you going to say it's all part of God's plan?
 * Mary: Good chance.
 * Sheldon: Then no, thank you.
 * Mary: Well, honey, don't send it back yet. Your sister's married, and I'm not letting your brother give my grandmother's ring to that whore he's dating.
 * Sheldon: Wasn't Mary Magdalene a woman of ill repute?
 * Mary: When your idiot brother redeems mankind, he can date whoever he wants.
 * (Sheldon shakes his head in sad silence)


 * (Later at Penny's apartment)
 * Sheldon: Knock, knock, knock, Penny? Knock, knock, knock, Penny? Knock, knock, knock, Penny?
 * Penny: What's this?
 * Sheldon: Leonard told me what happened, so I took it upon myself to make you a hot beverage.
 * Penny: Oh. That's so sweet of you.
 * Sheldon: Yeah. I know. Turns out, being sweet isn't enough to keep a girl these days. I blame Madonna.
 * Penny: I'm sorry to hear about you and Amy.
 * Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry about Leonard. Thought I raised him better than that.
 * Penny: You know, it's bad enough what happened, but then he tried to hide the fact that he sees her all the time at the university.
 * Sheldon: He does? Who is it?
 * Penny: (scoffs) Some girl named Mandy.
 * Sheldon: Mandy Chao?
 * Penny: Yeah.
 * Sheldon: Oh, you don't need to worry about her. She's brilliant and attractive. She can do way better than Leonard.
 * Penny: That's great. (clears throat)
 * Sheldon: Wait a minute. I know this may sound farfetched, but I'm on the market now. You know, if I dated Mandy, that would teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson.
 * Penny: all right. That's ridiculous.
 * Sheldon: Oh, you're right. I could never be with a woman whose self-esteem was so low she'd be with Leonard.
 * Penny:I'm with Leonard.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, I know. Forever. (Penny sighs) Who would have believed these things would happen to us?
 * Penny: Right? (scoffs) I can't believe Amy actually went through with it.
 * Sheldon: Hang on. You knew she was going to end it with me? Did you try and stop her?
 * Penny: I told her to be true to herself and do what makes her happy.
 * Sheldon: Do what makes her happy! She plays the harp and her car is paid for. How much happier can she be?
 * Penny: OK. Look; it's not me fault that she thought you were a bad boyfriend.
 * Sheldon: (stunned and hurt) I see. (puts everything back on the tray, pulls tea-cup from Penny's hand) I think I'll be going.
 * Penny: Sheldon!
 * Sheldon: No! no! no! I think we are done here. (hands full pauses in front of Penny's door) Would you mind opening the door and then angrily slamming it behind me?
 * Penny: (exasperated) Sure.
 * Sheldon: And slam it hard because I'm pretty steamed. (Penny slams the door)


 * (After Leonard carries Penny across the threshold)
 * Leonard: No, no, no. Hang on. I believe I'm supposed to carry you across the threshold.
 * Penny: Can you?
 * Leonard: Who do you think carries Sheldon to bed when he falls asleep in front of the TV?
 * Penny: Okay, let's do it. (sighs) (grunts) (grunting softly)
 * Penny: You gonna make it?
 * Leonard: I'm okay! (grunts)
 * (both Penny and Leonard chuckle)
 * Penny: Nicely done.
 * Leonard: Finally there's a Mrs. Hofstadter who isn't disappointed in me.
 * Penny: Oh, well the night is still young.


 * (The ending scene of Leonard and Sheldon holding coffee mugs in their apartment)
 * Sheldon: Would you like to hear another reason why men are better than women?
 * Leonard: Sure, let's make it an even hundred.
 * Sheldon: You would never kiss me and make me say "I love you" and then break up with me.
 * Leonard: I would not.
 * Sheldon: And you know why? 'Cause you're a man. The champagne of genders.
 * Leonard: Well, I may be a man, but I think I'm the one that screwed up on this one.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, well, and you admit it, like a man. All you hear women say is, "I'll just have a salad." You know? "Where's my lip gloss?" "I think this element should be called radium." That last one was Madame Curie.
 * Leonard: I figured that out.
 * Sheldon: You know what? She was kind of an honorary man. She had a penis made of science.
 * Leonard: Can't believe I'm spending my wedding night with you.
 * Sheldon: Really? I never imagined it any other way.


 * (The scene at the Vegas reception scene during the opening where Leonard's cell phone is ringing)
 * Leonard: Oh, excuse me.
 * (picks his phone up and answers it)
 * Leonard: (to Penny) Sheldon. (speaks to Sheldon) Hey.
 * Sheldon: Leonard. Have you gotten married yet?
 * Leonard: (He sighs grumpily) No. Why?
 * Sheldon: Good. Don’t do it.
 * Leonard: Why not?
 * Sheldon: Some new information has come to life. Women are the worst. I thought it was papercuts, but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.
 * Leonard: What happened now?
 * Sheldon: (sighs) Amy has ended our relationship.
 * Leonard: Oh no. Seriously?
 * Penny: (worried) What’s going on.
 * Leonard: Amy broke up with Sheldon.
 * Penny: She did?
 * Sheldon: Is Penny crying?
 * Leonard: No.
 * Sheldon: No. Of course not. They thrive on our suffering.
 * Leonard: Buddy, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?
 * Sheldon: Yes. If I ever talk about going out with a girl again, roll your eyes like I do when you say dumb things.
 * Leonard: Sheldon, okay. Just because you’re going through this with Amy doesn’t mean that all women are bad.
 * Sheldon: Whatever.
 * Penny: Hey, I just heard about you and Sheldon. Are you okay?
 * Amy: (she's so miserable and grumpy) Not really. Can you come over?
 * Penny: (she speaks to Amy nervously) Uh, actually I’m in Vegas. Leonard and I are about to get married.
 * Amy: (asking Penny crossly) Hold on. You’re getting married and you didn’t invite me?
 * Penny: Well, it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing.
 * Amy: (sarcastically) Wow. Hope I can catch the bouquet from here.
 * Penny: (scolding angrily) Amy don't be like that.
 * Sheldon: Why did I just hear Amy's name?
 * Leonard: Penny's on the phone with her.
 * Sheldon: Did she say anything about me? Never mind; I don't care. If you care, you can find out for me and tell me. Just don't be shocked when you find out that I don't care.
 * Penny: (stroppy with Amy on her phone) Would you relax. You're not missing anything special.
 * Leonard: Hay?
 * Penny: She's upset. It's going to be a great wedding. Look at you in your little suit.
 * Sheldon: Amy's upset?
 * Leonard: I think it's because we're eloping.
 * Sheldon: Your marriage is causing her pain? I take it back. Go ahead and do it. Yay for love!
 * (The intro theme of "The Big Bang Theory" starts up)


 * (The scene where Amy is about to leave her apartment when Sheldon is in the hallway)
 * Sheldon: Hello.
 * Amy: Oh! (she steps backwards to her locked door and she asks Sheldon crossly) What are you doing here?
 * Sheldon: When last we spoke, you said you needed time.
 * Amy (she looks at her watch and then yells at Sheldon) Well, it's only been 11 hours.
 * Sheldon: The Lord of the Rings trilogy was nearly 11 hours. I made you watch that, you said it was an eternity.
 * (Amy looks down for a second and speaks to Sheldon angrily)
 * Amy: Sheldon, when I'm ready to talk, I'll let you know.
 * Sheldon: Very well. (he points at her for a second) You seem to be headed somewhere. May I walk with you?
 * Amy: (sarcastically) Sure.
 * (They start walking down together for one second)
 * Sheldon: Boy, I’m glad we’re going out again.
 * (Amy turns around, she thinks for a second and she pretends to push Sheldon away)
 * Amy: We’re not back together.
 * Sheldon: Why? Is there someone else? You just couldn’t wait to get that first notch on your bedpost, could you?
 * Amy: If you must know, I'm going to Howard and Bernadette's to watch the wedding.
 * Sheldon: And who's this guy you're taking?
 * Amy: (she is informing Sheldon firmly) There's no guy!
 * Sheldon: Oh, you're going to a wedding alone? That's sad.
 * Amy: I'm not gonna be alone. I'll be with my friends.
 * Sheldon: (in shock) Your friends? Well, I think you mean my friends. And why wasn't I invited to this?
 * Amy: Maybe because the two of us being there would make them feel awkward


 * (The scene of the Wolowitz kitchen where Bernadette and Howard are comforting Amy while Stuart has made a mug of coffee)
 * Bernadette: (she's feeling sorry for Amy) I know it hurts now, but it's gonna get better.
 * Howard: Yeah. Everything's gonna be okay.
 * Stuart: (he striding up to Amy) You've got so much to offer.
 * Amy: (sadly) Thank you.
 * Stuart: Any man would be lucky to have you.
 * (scene of Bernadette nodding her head worryingly)
 * Bernadette: (she is still very worried) That's true
 * Amy: (she is mega-fully sad) I just hope I did the right thing.
 * Stuart: I'm sure you did. Maybe that's the problem-- you always do the right thing. Maybe it's time to do the wrong thing.
 * (Amy doesn't seem too happy with Stuart's hand on her shoulder. Howard and Bernadette looked rather shocked by this. Pan back to the unhappy Amy with Stuart's hand on her shoulder)
 * Amy: (she's asking Stuart sadly) Like you're doing right now?
 * Stuart (slowly and sadly) Exactly.


 * (At the end of the hallway by Amy's apartment scene when Amy starts exiting)
 * Sheldon: We make everyone feel awkward. That’s our thing.
 * (He now follows her)


 * (The scene at the reception of Vegas where Penny is thinking to herself)
 * Leonard: Look, it-it's not how I pictured it either, but I'm still glad we're doing it.
 * Penny: Me, too.
 * Leonard: You sure?
 * Penny: Yes.
 * Leonard: And you promise you're okay with everything from the car?
 * Penny: Oh, my God, would you stop bringing it up? You're right.
 * Leonard: You're right. I'm sorry. We have the rest of our lives to dredge stuff up from the past and fight about it. So what do you think? Should we run next door and grab a bite?
 * Penny: What if they call our names?
 * Leonard: Oh, don't worry. They gave me this vibrating coaster.
 * Penny: Oh, and the fairy tale continues.


 * (the scene of the six gang members (Raj, Amy, Bernadette, Howard, Stuart and Sheldon) in the Wolowitz living room watching Leonard's and Penny's wedding on television)
 * Bernadette: Aw, that was beautiful.
 * Howard: Yeah. I mean, not like our wedding beautiful.
 * Bernadette: No, we totally won.
 * (Howard clicks his teeth while both he and Bernadette do a hand-pat as like "Yeah, we've won").
 * Sheldon: Amy, I don't understand, are we broken up or not? It's like you can't make up your mind.
 * Amy: (she is still angry with Sheldon) It's because you're not giving me any space to think.
 * Sheldon: Well, you should think fast, because men can sire offspring their entire lives, but those eggs you're toting around have a sell-by date.
 * (Amy now looks shocked at Sheldon as she now lifts herself off the couch and she now glares at Sheldon angrily)
 * Amy: (She shouts at him with enormous fury) You know what, Sheldon, you've made this really easy. You're immature, you're selfish, you just insulted me to my face. (Close-up of a timid Sheldon) I don't need any more time to think. (pan back to the angry Amy) We're broken up.
 * (Bernadette hurries herself off the couch and follows Amy)
 * Bernadette: (she is sadly running after her) Amy...
 * (Amy is now out of sight. There is a sound of the dining room door just as Bernadette runs out of sight)
 * Sheldon: Will someone take me home?
 * Raj: Yeah. Come on, I'll give you a ride.
 * (Sheldon and Raj both leave the Wolowitz house with Howard and Stuart watching them leave)
 * Minister: (voice over from the TV)...symbolizes your eternal love. I now pronounce you husband and wife.
 * (Howard and Stuart turn again to face the TV after hearing the last 7 words of the Minister; Both of them are stunned)
 * (pans the to the scene of Leonard and Penny on the TV screen)
 * Penny: We did it!
 * Leonard: I'm so glad you guys could watch!
 * (They muck around with excitement and then the TV screen pans to the scene of Howard and Stuart looking distraught at each other)
 * Howard: We'll say it was beautiful in the comment section.
 * (He now reaches out for a cinnamon roll and the scene fades to black when he puts it on the plate).


 * (Scene at the Vegas wedding reception of Penny and Leonard)
 * Leonard: They're running a little behind. Should be pretty soon.
 * Penny: Okay (nods her head sadly)
 * Leonard: Hey, if you’re hungry there’s a breakfast buffet at the strip cub next door.
 * Penny: Thanks, but I don’t like glitter on my scrambled eggs.
 * Leonard: I don't think the strippers prepare the meal, but okay.


 * (The scene at the Wolowitz sitting room where Howard is connecting wires to the television whilst Bernadette, Amy and Stuart drinking hot beverages together).
 * Amy: Thank you for doing this.
 * Bernadette: (she speaks with concerned happiness) Our pleasure. (she is terribly worried) You feeling okay?
 * Amy: (she sighs) We were together for so long, I honestly don’t know what I am feeling.
 * Howard: Well, that’s understandable. You forget. It’s called “happy”.
 * (Howard struggles to find a hole to connect the cable to the television).
 * Bernadette: (she scolds at Howard with firmness) Howard
 * (Howard has finally finished plugging the cable into the hole of the television's edge)
 * Howard: I'm not saying anything bad. Just that she was in love with her captor and somehow managed to escape from his dark and crazy dungeon.
 * (Amy just gazes crossly up at the ceiling)
 * Stuart: I know what you're going through. My-my last breakup was pretty tough.
 * Amy: (she's rather puzzled with curiosity) What was her name?
 * Stuart: Hey, it's a true story. I don't need the third degree.
 * (Amy remains angry and quiet. Bernadette turns around and suddenly gasps at Sheldon through the window. Sheldon looks around through the window for a second. Bernadette slams her mug down and she gets up to the window)
 * Bernadette: (she's suddenly very cross) For God's sake, Sheldon, what are you doing?
 * Sheldon: I didn't want to come in. I was told it would make everyone feel uncomfortable.
 * (Amy gazes around the room pretending not to see Sheldon)
 * Sheldon: So I'll just stay out here and pretend that I don't have to go to the bathroom.
 * (Bernadette suddenly turns her head away from Sheldon angrily and Amy has a glare of anger by what had happened)
 * Bernadette: (she orders Howard with calm anger) Howie! do something
 * Howard: (he mutters grimily) I'm on it.
 * (Howard strides up to the drapes and he immediately closes them, he now strides back to the TV whilst Bernadette still looks very cross by all of this. She now opens the drapes again)
 * Bernadette: (she yells at Sheldon through the window crossly) Sheldon, you being here might not be making things better.
 * Sheldon: (He yells through the window) I see! And is that why everybody was invited but me?
 * Amy: (she is now gigantically angry) They didn't invite everybody but you. (scene of Bernadette gazing crossly at Sheldon) Bernadette invited me (pan to Amy referring to Stuart) and Stuart lives here.
 * (Raj opens the dining room door and Raj immediately enters the lounge with a big tray)
 * Raj: (in a sing-songy voice) Who wants hot cinnamon rolls?
 * (Bernadette just continues smiling crossly at Sheldon and ignores Raj)


 * Minister: So, when you hear the music, that's your cue. Any questions?
 * Leonard: Oh, the package that we paid for said the aisle was supposed to be strewn with rose petals.
 * Minister: Where are the rose petals?!
 * Woman: We're out.
 * Leonard: You know what? It's fine.
 * Woman: We can use the potpourri from the bathroom!
 * Penny: Really, we're good. (she chuckles for a bit)
 * Leonard: Yup, just want to get married.
 * Penny: Yeah.
 * Minister: Great. I'll see you two up there.
 * Leonard: This is it.
 * Penny: I know.
 * Leonard: I love you.
 * Penny: I love you, too.
 * Woman: Was that a yes or no on the potpourri?!
 * Penny: No, thank you!
 * Leonard: We're good!


 * (The scene of Leonard's and Penny's wedding)
 * Minister: Before I go any further, have either of you prepared your own vows.
 * Penny: No.
 * Leonard: Yes.
 * Penny: You wrote vows?
 * Leonard: Yeah.
 * Penny: Well, I don’t have any. You’re kind of making me look bad.
 * Leonard: Its okay. I don’t have to say them.
 * Penny: I’ll come up with something mushy. You’ll cry. We got this.
 * Leonard: Penny, we are made of particles that have existed since the universe began. I like to think those atoms have traveled 14 billion years through time and space to create us so that we could be together and make each other whole.
 * Penny: Wow.
 * Minister: Penny.
 * Penny: Right..um..okay. Leonard, I mean, you’re not only the love of my life. I mean, you’re my best friend. You’ve got a friend in me. You got troubles. I got them, too. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. We stick together, and we can see it though…cause you got a friend in me.
 * Minister: Isn’t that the song from “Toy Story”?
 * Penny: He loves that movie.
 * Leonard: I do.


 * (The scene on the honeymoon bed where Leonard stops kissing Penny and tells her about his incident)
 * Leonard: Okay, listen. Uh... If you're imagining that it was sexy, it wasn't. We-we were both drunk, and she smelled like an ashtray. The boat was moving a lot, so I chipped her tooth.
 * Penny: Did you feel guilty?
 * Leonard: No, she had dental insurance.
 * Penny: (repeating the question angrily) Did you feel guilty after kissing her?
 * Leonard: Yes. I felt guilty as soon as it happened. I feel guilty every time I see her.
 * Penny: (she starts getting really angry) What do you mean every time you see her?
 * Leonard: What … do I mean. Boy, that’s a toughie.
 * Penny: You still see her?
 * Leonard: Well, no, not socially. But, you know, just at work.
 * Penny: (she's so enormously angry) You work with her? (Leonard sighs) How could you not tell me that?
 * Leonard: I wanted to tell you in the car, but you told me to stop talking.
 * Penny: Okay, so you’re saying now saying it’s my fault?
 * Leonard: No, of course not. Okay, look instead of fighting, why don’t we dim the lights, get naked and make a baby? I was trying to lighten the mood. It’s not easy. You try it.


 * (The scene of Leonard and Penny climbing up to their apartments)
 * Leonard: (aggressively) I asked you over and over if you were okay. Why would you go through with the wedding if you weren’t?
 * (Penny now strides to the door of her apartment)
 * Penny: (she's so cross with Leonard) I thought I was okay, but it turns out I was not.
 * Leonard: (stopping her) Okay, listen I may not have entirely faithful, but you, you are not easy to lift.
 * (Leonard nods angrily and opens his and Sheldon's apartment door. Penny opens her mouth with a gigantic shock after being shouted at by Leonard. We now see Leonard slam the door when he is now in the apartment).
 * Sheldon: (he's surprised after seeing Leonard storm in) wow! Well, marriage must agree with you. Well, you are just glowing.
 * Leonard: I'm not glowing. I'm upset.
 * (Leonard now leaves for his room with so much fury)
 * Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it agrees with you.


 * (The scene of the six gang members (Raj, Amy, Bernadette, Howard, Sheldon and Stuart) watching the wedding starting to begin, the string instruments are playing "Bridal Chorus" through the audio of the television).
 * Sheldon: (He yells to Raj) Raj, you're probably wondering why Amy and I aren't showing any affection to one another
 * Raj: Didn't even crack the top ten.
 * (Sheldon glares at Raj and it pans to Bernadette and Amy looking distraught)
 * Sheldon: Well, you should know that she recently broke up with me.
 * (Pan to Amy speaking to Sheldon while the distraught Bernadette says nothing)
 * Amy: I said I needed time to think.
 * Raj: (sighs and then speaks)
 * Sheldon: You hear that? Raj is devastated.
 * (pan to the couch where Amy, Bernadette, Howard and Stuart are sitting)
 * Bernadette: (she shushes Sheldon and she informs him crossly) Sheldon, shh. The wedding's starting.
 * Sheldon: I see what's happening. Sides are forming. Well, if Bernadette's on Amy's team, I pick Howard.
 * Howard: (he's whispering crossly to Sheldon) I'm not taking sides.
 * Sheldon: Fine, I guess I'm stuck with Raj.
 * Raj: Really?
 * Stuart: At least you got picked.
 * (the scene of the four people on the couch pans to the scene of Leonard and Penny's wedding).


 * (The scene of the Wolowitz kitchen where Bernadette is sitting at the table with a coffee mug, Howard has finishing pacing up and down the kitchen whilst speaking to Leonard on his cell phone and Stuart is washing up)
 * Howard: (he's wishing Leonard a sad goodbye) All right, Leonard, hang in there. Talk to you tomorrow.
 * Bernadette: (she's looking very worried) What happened? They just got married.
 * (Howard sits down at the table with her and he sighs with upsetness)
 * Howard: I don't know. It's a mess. They had a huge fight in Vegas.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking him worringly) Think they'll break up?
 * Howard: (he sighs) I don't know. Sounds pretty bad. Penny's back in her apartment all by herself.
 * (Stuart turns around and looks down at the upset Howard)
 * Stuart: (slowly) Really?
 * (Bernadette and Howard both look up at him in surprise and say nothing. Stuart now looks confused).


 * Leonard: Everything all right?
 * Penny: Yeah. I guess.
 * Leonard: Just tell me.
 * Penny:: It's just, when we were kissing, I couldn't help, but picture you with that other girl.
 * Leonard: Oh, no. No, come on. I have a friend in you. You said so.
 * Penny: You're right. Just forget it.