Dune Quixote

(Setting: The marketplace. Aladdin is at one of the stalls trying on a series of silly hats; Abu and Iago are watching him, giving negative reactions to each hat he tries on.)

Aladdin:  (wearing a green hat with a long red feather)  Hey, how about this one, Abu?

Abu: Oh, uh... nuh uh.

Iago: Face it, some people can wear feathers and some can't.

(There is the sound of a woman screaming, and Sadira falls through the stall's awning, into Aladdin's arms.)

Sadira:  (flirting)  Ooh, glad I dropped in.

(Farouk, a merchant, shouts down at them from a tall building.)

Farouk:  Stop that girl! She's a thief! She stole from my stand!

Aladdin: Sadira, is that true?

Sadira: I don't know what he's talking about. Bye!

(Sadira tries to run away, but Aladdin grabs her arm.)

Aladdin: If you're innocent you have nothing to worry about. I'll protect you.

(Farouk jumps down from the window, almost landing on Aladdin and Sadira.)

Farouk:  The proof is in her hands. She stole a ladle.

(Sadira is holding a ladle behind her back, while she's talking she slips it into her sash.)

Sadira: I am heir to the ancient secrets of the sand. I don't steal anymore. (holds out her hands) See? Nothing here.

Farouk:  Once a thief, always a thief!

Aladdin: Forget it, Farouk. She doesn't have it.

(Farouk kicks dust in Aladdin's face and storms off.)

Aladdin: And next time pick on someone your own size!

Iago: If he can find anyone his own size.

Sadira: You saved my life! Allow me to show you my gratitude.

(Sadira tries to kiss Aladdin, and they both fall to the ground.)

Aladdin: Um, uh... I don't think that Princess Jasmine would want me to accept another girl's... um, gratitude.

Sadira: Keeps you on a pretty short leash, does she? I don't suppose she'd let you have a cool drink of pomegranate juice at my place, would she?

Aladdin: Nah, no, she'd never let me... Hey, wait a minute!

Iago:  (to Abu)  She's playin' him like a well-tuned zither.

Aladdin: Jasmine doesn't tell me what I can and can't do!

Sadira: Yeah, uh huh, sure. Well, I've gotta go. Look me up if Jasmine ever lets you off the ball and chain. (starts to sashay away)

Aladdin: Hey, wait!

Iago: Are you gonna let her manipulate you like this?

Aladdin: I'm not being manipulated! I'm doing what  I  don't wanna not do, not what  Jasmine doesn't want me to not wanna do!

(Aladdin catches up with Sadira, and they walk off arm in arm, with Abu on Aladdin's shoulder.)

Iago:  (to himself; sarcastic)  Oh, yeah, his head's on straight. I tell ya, that Sadira's as shifty as a two-legged table.

Sadira: I so admire a man who knows his own mind.

Iago: Talk about leading the lamb to the slaughter. Baaa! Baaa!

(Setting: the palace. Jasmine is holding Carpet in front of her.)

Jasmine: Like this, Genie? (waves Carpet like a bullfighter's cape)  Toro! Toro!

Genie: Perfect! Now comes the fun part! (changes into a bull)

Jasmine: Toro! Toro!

(Genie charges at them, but Jasmine pulls Carpet away in time and Genie goes running past. He tries to stop but keeps sliding, through the palace and out into the garden. There's a huge racket, and Jasmine and Carpet look outside and see that Genie has crashed into the fountain, and has a flamingo on his back.)

Genie:  (to the flamingo, gurgling)  Go away!

(Iago enters the room that Genie slid through. Jasmine and Carpet are cleaning up.)

Iago: I can't believe that chump Aladdin. A fruit bat could see that that kid's got more on her mind than pomegranate juice.

Jasmine: Who has more on her mind than pomegranate juice?

Iago: Sadira.

(Jasmine gasps and drops her broom.)

Iago:  (looking at the mess)  Oh, almost looks like there's been a bullfight in here, or—

Jasmine:  (grabs Iago)  Tell me more about Sadira.

(Setting: Sadira's place. Aladdin is drinking from a goblet.)

Aladdin: Well, uh, thanks for the juice, Sadira. I'd better be going.

Sadira: Wait! I have a new spell to show you. (pours some sand out of a bottle into her hand)

Aladdin:  I hope it works better than your sandstorm spell. Abu's still digging sand out of his ears.

Sadira: This spell is different.

(Sadira throws the sand into the air, and it shows a fairytale kingdom, with a castle in the background.)

Sadira: Behold! The land of my fantasies.

Aladdin: It looks too good to be true!

Sadira:  (sighs)  It is.

(The image fades away.)

Sadira: There's a hero in my fantasy world, Aladdin. He saves a beautiful princess from a fire-breathing dragon. I'm the princess. Guess who's the hero?

(Sadira kisses Aladdin and sprinkles some of the sand over his head.)

Aladdin:  (muffled)  I'm engaged to Princess Jasmine!

(The sparkling sand surrounds Aladdin, and he starts to look drowsy, like he is being hypnotized.)

Abu: Uh oh...

Sadira: You are my dragonslayer, Aladdin.

Aladdin:  (stumbling around clumsily)  I am... dragonslayer... I am... ( his voice becomes more confident as the spell takes hold)  I am Dragonslayer!

Abu:  (shaking his head)  Ay ay ay...

Aladdin: Fetch my sword!

Sadira:  (gasps with excitement)  Right away, Dragonslayer!

(Sadira pours some of the sand onto the stolen ladle. It turns into a golden sword, and she hands it to Aladdin.)

Aladdin: My battle armor!

(Sadira throws some more sand over him, and his clothes change to golden armor.)

Aladdin: And now, my golden helmet!

Sadira: At once, Dragonslayer!

(Sadira skips over to a table where there is a bowl of water. She tries to pick it up, but Abu grabs on to it.)

Sadira: Let go, little meddler!

(Sadira splashes the water on Abu and he lets go. She then sprinkles sand on it, and it turns into a golden helmet. She places the helmet on Aladdin's head.)

Aladdin: Saddle my mighty steed.

(Sadira looks around, thinking of what to do next, and sees Abu. She grins evilly as she pours sand on Abu, who is trying to escape. He then changes into a horse.)

Sadira:  (throwing more sand into the air)  Magic portal, open wide, let my love and me inside!

(The image of the magical kingdom appears again; a bluebird flies out of it and drops a flower into Sadira's hand.)

Sadira: It worked!

Aladdin: I go to slay the dragon and free the princess!

Sadira:  (looking down at her rags)  Oh, I have to get dressed!

(Sadira sprinkles sand on herself, and her clothes change into a pink gown with a tall, pointed hat.)

Jasmine: Not so fast, Princess!

(Jasmine flies in on Carpet, with Iago and Genie.)

Sadira: You're too late, Jasmine. Aladdin and I are just one punctured dragon away from living happily ever after! (runs into the portal)

Jasmine: I'll stop Sadira, Genie, you close that portal.

Genie: But, you know how dangerous it is to mix magics!

Aladdin:  (trying to get Abu to go through the portal)  What's the matter, mighty steed?

(Jasmine flies through the portal and grabs Sadira, pulling her up onto Carpet.)

Sadira: No!

Jasmine: Genie, close the portal!

Genie: Oh, I can't look! (covers his eyes)  Here goes nothing! (zaps the portal)

(There is a huge flash of light; Aladdin is knocked back off his horse.)

Sadira: No!

(Abu is surrounded by the flashing light. Genie puts on sunglasses to watch. Aladdin's clothes change back to normal; he has the bowl on his head and is holding the ladle.)

Jasmine:  (runs up to Aladdin)  Are you all right?

Aladdin: Uh... uh huh.

Genie: Whew! We got off lucky that time.

(Abu changes from a horse into a donkey.)

Genie and Iago: Oh, boy.

Jasmine: Abu?

(Abu nods, while making donkey noises.)

Iago: Look on the bright side. Now we can open that salt mine we've always wanted. (Abu kicks him)

Jasmine: Don't worry, Abu. We'll find some way to change you back.

Aladdin: Ah, mighty steed! Come, we must face the dragon!

Jasmine: Um, Aladdin?

Aladdin: Hmm? You've mistaken me for someone else. (climbs onto Abu's back)  My name is Dragonslayer! And now I'm off! (tries to spur Abu, who refuses to move)

Iago: He's off, all right.

Aladdin: Forward, mighty steed! To the dragon's lair!

Genie: Uh oh! He's still acting out Sadira's fantasy!

Jasmine: Can't you do something?

Genie: Forget it! It was mixing magics that got us into this mess!

Aladdin: Be brave, Princess! Your savior is nigh!

Jasmine:  (to Sadira)  Now look what you've done!

Sadira: Me?! You're the one who ruined my spell!

Jasmine: You were stealing my fiancé!

Sadira: And your point is?

Jasmine: Ooh!

Aladdin: Onward we ride! Racing like the wind!

Sadira: Look, Aladdin's no good for either of us like this. Somehow we have to break the spell.

Jasmine:  (sighs)  You're right, but how? I'm afraid to have Genie try anything.

Sadira: Well, I could cure him with another kiss...

Jasmine: Ooh! You never give up, do you!

Sadira: But, it's true!

Jasmine:  (to Genie)  She's making that up about the kiss, right?

Genie: Well, there is a history of osculation in these matters...

(Genie turns into a giant frog; a pair of disembodied lips appear and kiss him, and he changes into a giant frog dressed like a prince.)

Genie: Is this funny or just weird?

(Genie makes a screen and a movie projector appear.)

Genie: There are a number of ways to cure him...

(The movie starts, showing a cartoony-looking Aladdin.)

Genie: You can press him flat under a pyramid...

(A pyramid lands on the cartoon Aladdin, smashing him flat.)

Genie: ...or you could feed him to a dinosaur.

(A tyranosaurus rex swallows the cartoon Aladdin, then disappears in a puff of smoke.)

Genie: Squish him with a steamroller! Or blow him up with dynamite!

(The cartoon shows all these things happening to Aladdin.)

Genie: Or puree him in a blender! Or boil him in molten lead! Or dress him up in a cat suit and throw him in a kennel! Or...

Jasmine: Are there any cures he might actually live through?

Genie: Oh uh, heh heh, just one. (draws a face on his hand and kisses Jasmine with it)  Kissy-kissy! But, it's got to be Sadira.

Jasmine: I give up. Okay, one kiss. Just one.

Sadira: Oh, Dragonslayer... (looks around, Aladdin is gone)  Where'd he go?!

(Setting: the desert. Aladdin is pushing Abu up a sand dune.)

Aladdin: The dragon's lair is just ahead, mighty steed! We just have to cross these rocks ahead!

(Two thieves are watching from behind the rocks.)

Thief 1:  Ah, another foolish traveler approaches. In fact, this one seems even more foolish than most.

Thief 2:  Then, we must... wise him up.

(Genie has changed into Pluto the dog and is following Aladdin's scent. The others follow him on Carpet.)

Jasmine: Are you sure these are Aladdin's tracks, Genie?

Genie: Unless someone else is using his feet.

Iago: Of course, this deep in bandit territory, they're buzzard bait by now.

Jasmine: We'd better hurry.

Iago: Nobody lasts this long in—

(Carpet smacks Iago to the ground; he lands in front of Genie, who sniffs him.)

Genie: Whew! (holds up a bottle of spray deodorant)  Have you considered a man's deodorant?

(Aladdin is dragging Abu when he sees the two thieves.)

Aladdin:  (brandishing his ladle)  Let me pass! Or so help me, I'll... I'll...

Thief 1:  You'll what? Spoon us to death?

(The two thieves start laughing.)

Thief 2:  Good one, Douani!

(Aladdin hits one of the thieves in the stomach with the ladle.)

Thief 1:  He spooned me. (tackles Aladdin)  Give me that!

Thief 2:  (dragging Abu away)  Your hide should fetch a shekel or two!

Aladdin: Let go of me, you blaggard!

(Jasmine and Sadira arrive on Carpet.)

Sadira: Over there!

(The first thief finally manages to knock Aladdin to the ground and draws his sword.)

Jasmine: Looks like our Dragonslayer needs some rescuing of his own.

Sadira: I'll save Aladdin. You get Abu.

Jasmine: Wait!

Sadira: No time! (Jumps off Carpet and lands on the first thief, knocking him to the ground)

Thief 1:  Ah, two victims for the price of one!

(Sadira waves her hands, and bars made of sand rise out of the ground, trapping the thief.)

Thief 1:  What is...? What... what trickery is this? Let me out of here, you... you witch!

(Abu is holding onto a rock to stop himself being dragged away by the second thief.)

Thief 2:  Won't move, eh? (pulls out his sword)  Then, I'll skin you right here.

(Jasmine and Carpet fly down towards him; Jasmine pulls off his belt, and he spins around until he finally falls over, dizzily, with his pants down.)

(Sadira hugs Aladdin.)

Aladdin:  (pushing her back)  You are a brave warrior. If there's any way I can repay you...

Sadira: Well, there is one way... (puckers her lips)

Aladdin: That's the one thing I cannot do. My heart belongs only to the fair princess whom I will rescue from the evil dragon!

Jasmine: Maybe I should give it a try. I  am  a princess, after all.

Sadira: Sorry, it's my spell. It won't work unless it's my kiss.

Iago:  (flying towards them)  Help! Dragon! Help!

Aladdin: A dragon? Where?

Iago: Just the other side of those rocks! If ya hurry, you can slay 'im before he devours the princess.

Aladdin: Be brave, Princess! Your hero flies to your rescue! (jumps on Abu's back and rides away)

Jasmine: Iago, what is going on?

Iago: Genie and I have got it all figured out. Come on! We're gonna give Mr. Dragonslayer exactly what he wants!

(They fly toward the rocks, passing Aladdin and Abu. There's what looks like a movie set, complete with wooden scenery.)

Jasmine: What kind of place is this? It all looks so... so...

Sadira: Fake? (lifts an inflatable boulder over her head)

Genie:  (dressed as a director)  Of course! It's as phony as a three-drachma bill. That's the magic of the movies!

Iago:  (flying around Sadira)  This frumpy frock will never do. Wardrobe!

(Genie turns into a fairy godmother, waves a magic wand over Sadira, and she is dressed in the pink gown again.)

Genie: Now remember, dry clean only!

Iago: Places, everybody! (lands on the inflatable boulder, which starts leaking air)  Inflatable rocks? Oh, like we can't afford real rocks. Props!

(Jasmine chains Sadira to part of the set.)

Sadira: Do you think all this stuff will fool Aladdin?

Jasmine: At least these chains are real.

Sadira: Why do I have a bad feeling about that?

Aladdin:  (riding towards them)  Never fear, Princess! Dragonslayer approaches!

Jasmine: He's coming! But where's the dragon?

Iago: Effects! Cue the dragon!

(Genie presses some buttons on a remote control, and a giant mechanical dragon approaches, roaring and breathing fire.)

Jasmine:  (gasps)  Is that thing safe?

Genie: Sure! What could go wrong!

(Genie shrugs, accidentally throwing the remote against a rock, breaking it. The dragon goes haywire.)

Genie:  (nervously)  Well, that's one possibility...

Sadira: Jasmine, help!

(The dragon breathes fire at Sadira, but misses; she screams.)

Jasmine: Genie, make it stop!

(Genie is searching through a trunk full of remote controls.)

Genie: It's okay, I have more remote controls right here. Garage door, CD player... now what does this one do? (presses a button and his head flies off)  Oh,  that's  right...

(Genie's head lands a few feet behind his body, which is stumbling around looking for the head.)

Genie: Over here, this way! (whistles)  What am I whistling for? I'm the part with ears.

(Sadira raises giant sand bars around the dragon, like she did with the thief earlier. The dragon swings its tail at them, knocking them down.)

(Jasmine gets on Carpet, flies above the dragon's head, and throws a rock at it.)

Jasmine: You wanna snack on a princess? Why not try the real thing?

(The dragon breathes fire at her; Carpet gets her out of the way just in time.)

Aladdin:  (still riding toward them)  Don't worry, Princess! Dragonslayer shall save you! Charge!

Jasmine: Aladdin, no!

(The dragon breathes fire again; Jasmine ducks, and Abu sees the fire coming at him and turns to run the opposite direction.)

Aladdin: About, mighty steed! Turn about!

(The dragon chases after Aladdin and Abu. Jasmine tries to take the manacles off of Sadira.)

Jasmine: If only I had the key!

Sadira: Or something to pick it with.

Jasmine: That's it! Iago! Get Abu's lock picks! Hurry!

Iago:  (flying off)  Check! But I'll expect a thank you later — in large bills, please!

(The dragon has Aladdin cornered.)

Aladdin: Taste cold steel, beast! (goes to hit the dragon with his ladle, but it kicks him away)

(Abu tries to kick the dragon, but it knocks him back with its tail. Iago flies down and takes the lock picks out of his vest.)

Iago: I'll return these when you get your fingers back.

(The dragon is about to step on Aladdin, but Carpet flies down and carries him out of the way.)

(Iago returns to Jasmine and Sadira with the lock picks.)

Jasmine: How do I know which one to use?

Sadira: Try the 19Z double reverse Fatima pick.

Jasmine: This one?

Sadira: That's the Faisal-head! Don't they teach you anything at the palace?

Jasmine: Not thievery!

Iago: Ah, deplorable how they ignore the basics...

(Genie's body is crawling towards his head.)

Genie: You're hot! Getting hotter! You're burning up!

(The body picks up a rock next to the head and puts it on its shoulders.)

Genie:  (annoyed)  Very cold. Arctic.

(Jasmine is picking the lock of Sadira's manacles.)

Sadira: Okay, raise the upper pick. Jiggle the bottom one. A little more. A little more—

(The manacles pop open.)

Jasmine: There!

Sadira: You did it! Not bad... for a princess.

(Carpet is flying toward them with Aladdin, who has the bowl stuck down over his eyes.)

Jasmine: Oh no! Hurry, pretend you're still trapped! (puts the manacles back on Sadira, without closing them all the way)

Sadira: What?

Aladdin: I'll free you, Princess!

(Aladdin lands and runs toward Sadira, swinging his ladle in the air. He accidentally hits Iago.)

Iago: Watch where you're swinging that thing.

(Aladdin takes the chains off Sadira.)

Sadira: My hero!

(The dragon approaches, snapping at them.)

Aladdin: Princess, look out! (hits it with his ladle)  Dragon, prepare to meet your doom!

Jasmine: Carpet! Save him!

(Carpet wraps himself around the dragon's mouth. It tries to breathe fire, but knocks itself backwards instead. It then tries to pull Carpet off of its snout.)

Jasmine: I have an idea, but I need your help.

Sadira: But what...?

Jasmine: Trust me!

(Genie's body is still trying to pick up its head, but keeps missing.)

(The dragon finally pulls Carpet off and throws him to the ground, then advances on Aladdin. It bites off the end of the ladle.)

Aladdin: Perhaps Dragonslayer needs... (gulp)  a bigger sword?

Jasmine: Hey, dragon! Over here! Toro! Toro!

(Jasmine is waving a red cape at the dragon, which looks over at her.)

Jasmine: Toro! What's the matter? Feet stuck to the ground?

(The dragon walks toward Jasmine. We can see that she has a rope hooked to the back of her clothing. The rope goes up and over the scenery, and Sadira is holding the other end.)

Jasmine: Toro! Toro! Come on you slowpoke! Toro! Toro!

(The hook comes loose from Jasmine's clothing and swings behind her.)

Jasmine: Come on! Come and get me!

Iago:  (sees the hook)  Uh oh...

(The dragon is almost to Jasmine.)

Jasmine: Pull me up, Sadira! Now!

Sadira: No! Jasmine!

Jasmine: Now, Sadira! Sadira!

Iago:  (flies down and re-hooks Jasmine)  Sadira!

(Sadira pulls Jasmine out of the way and the dragon runs past, crashing into the rocks and breaking into a million pieces.)

(Genie finally finds his head, but puts it on backwards.)

Genie: Ooh, what'd I miss? Did I miss something? (looks down)  Wait a minute, this can't be right.

Iago: What was I thinkin'?! I could've been killed! (to Abu)  Don't  ever  let me do anything like that again!

Aladdin: Some dragonslayer I am.

Sadira: You were wonderful!

Aladdin: My princess! (hugs Sadira)

Jasmine:  (annoyed)  This had better work, that's all I can say.

(Aladdin and Sadira kiss; they are surrounded by sparkling sand.)

Jasmine:  (growls)  Ooh!

(Abu changes back into a monkey.)

Abu: Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

Aladdin:  (back to normal)  Huh? Sadira! (Sadira hugs him; he gasps)  Jasmine! Uh, I can explain! (pushes Sadira away)  I mean, I can't explain! I mean I... I...

Jasmine: Sit down, relax; I'll explain everything later. (makes Aladdin sit down on the inflatable rock)

Sadira: Jasmine? I just wanted to say, well, I'm sorry. Aladdin's your boyfriend, not mine. But maybe with this outfit I can attract a hero of my own!

Jasmine: Are you sure you want one? Come on, I'm treating us both to a well-deserved shopping spree.

Aladdin: Hey, wait for me!

Jasmine: Sorry! Women only. (they leave)

Aladdin: Jasmine! Wait up! (goes after them)

Genie: Oh, poor Al! If he ever finds out what happened, he's gonna be so humiliated! He'll be mortified! He'll never live it down!

Iago: Yeah, I can't wait to tell 'im. Yoo-hoo! Oh, Dragonslayer! Dragonslayer! (flies after Aladdin)

Genie:  (running after Iago)  Oh! No! Wait! Iago! No! Wait! No! Back! Back! No!

THE END