I Don't Even Have to Use My J.K.

So, what'd you think? If a good power washing doesn't get rid of the pizza smell, the owner's offered to sandblast it. Yeah, they're good people, and they just made the mistake of opening a restaurant next to an Arby's. - Got decimated! - It sounds like a real steal. Yeah, you should do great here, unless you're planning on opening up a restaurant, 'cause, well, you know. Right, the Arby's. Did I mention it's built on top of an abandoned missile silo? - Talk about closet space! - Room for plenty of skeletons. Ho-ho! Figuratively speaking, I hope. [both laughing] - Aah! - Ha-ha-ha-ha! Banter, banter, banter. Was that necessary? He was a Realtor. You merely sent him to Hell for a second time. We should attack Titanium Rex now! - We're wasting time, Devizo! - Well, patience, Lex. The first order of business is a headquarters for the all-new Injustice Club! - Guys? - Rabdo: Wait. Was that our cue? We can't see shit, man. It's darker than a whale's asshole out here. What happened to this place? It looks like a great location. Oh! An Arby's. Well, that explains everything. You better bring your A-game if you're gonna set up shop next to the B's. Poor bastards never had a chance. How are we supposed to strike fear into people's hearts from a boarded-up pizza place? We need a mountaintop fortress or an island shaped like a skull. Or a giant billboard that says, "Injustice Club. Come arrest us. " - I vote for the skull thing. - This is not a democracy! We need utter secrecy until my plan to destroy the League of Freedom is perfect. I'm in charge, and I say, we sign this lease! [chuckles] Oops-a-daisy. [theme music playing] [grunting] 2x04 - I Don't Even Have to Use My J. K. Robobot: Ranger, can I ask you a question? Do you respect me less now that I'm not a Jew? Is this one of those "Are you still beating your wife" questions? You know what? Never mind. Cooch, you're reading. I'm proud of you. Yeah, you know, it's some erotic fan fiction, starring Black Saturn. - Huh? - I found it on the printer. I don't know who Jem and the Holograms are, - but they are getting tore up! - Oh, my darkest secret! Who told you you could read "Jem and the Swallograms"? I don't see what you're afraid of, Rex! This could be a great opportunity. Yes, to embarrass me on a national stage. Let's forget about my fan fiction and talk about whatever this is. Some Hollywood big shot optioned the rights to a Titanium Rex movie. Some actor wants to shadow me to get into the role. - It's gotta be Steve Buscemi! - What? No! - Nick Nolte in old-age makeup! - Bruce Vilanch! - It's JK Simons. - Simmons. - Eh, whatever. - This is bullcrap! JK should shadow me! I do cool stuff, like troll athletes on Twitter! Hey, Reggie Miller with a successful block. Guess it's not the 2000 NBA Finals. Rex, we can't have an actor running around the mansion! It's an ignoble profession! They're basically gypsies with toothbrushes! Now, JK is one of the good ones, Ranger. I've had him on my show many times. His involvement makes us all look good. - Now, JK Simmons is the Harry Potter dude? - That's JK Rowling. - Frizzy hair, short shorts? - That's Richard Simmons. - Plays bass, splits blood? - Gene Simmons. Makes quilts? Owns his own quilts factory? I don't know who that is. Checkmate, mother [bleeps]. Who put their fish tank on top of my stuff? Oh, my God! It's leaking all over my "MAG" magazines! Oh, not the "Star Trek" issue! A star black. [laughs] Roasted. Rabdo! Move your shit, so I can set up the home cinema! Oh yeah. Like I'm gonna miss arm day so you can set up your Roku. Diamond cut, bitch! Rabdo! I don't know many things in this life, but I know if I miss "Dr. Ken," you're getting mouth [bleeps] with a Shake Weight! - I call dibs on the master bedroom! - You don't need all that space. Nope, but all the [bleeps] I'm gonna assassinate sure does, limp dick. [loud arguing] Come on! What in the Earthly hell? [over comms] Devizo, where the frick are you? I'm down in my lab, doing actual work! Lex: You're supposed to be in charge, remember? It's totally FUBAR up here! Okay, here we go. [humming along to music] Devizo. Devizo! Are you even [bleeps] there? [engine revs] [music] Now, come on, Rex. You've got nothing to be afraid of. Of course not! The man plays make-believe for a living! You dress like an eagle. [stammers] [door opens] Titanium Rex, in the flesh. And you must be JK Simon Oh, I mean Simmons. Didn't hear you knock. Not really something you worry about when you have one of these. - Aw, John-John! - Sha-Sha! So this is where it all happens. Hey, I'd love a tour. Yeah, yeah. Sure, fine. Follow me. - Great. - Would you like me to hold your Oscar for you? Yeah, you sound like Miles Teller. No. This little baby stays with me at all times. This here is our state-of-the-art training facility, - which we've nicknamed Hazard Chamber. - Yo! JK! I heard you're looking for complex characters with a dark side! Coming right up! Computer, threat level omega. Go now! - Computer: Going now. - Saturn, no! [grunting] [music] Ta-da! No skin off of my - [screaming] Computer, safeword "pumpernickel"! - Yeah, we've also got a cappuccino machine over here. [saw buzzing] - Uh, are you gonna do something about that? - Yeah, I probably should. Whoa! That would probably make a great "all is lost" moment if you'd made the movie about me! - Would you get out of there! - Hmm. This could be a problem. - Oh? How so? - You're practically invulnerable. How is this movie gonna have any stakes if you can't be hurt? I can be hurt. All Septopians are vulnerable to - Ah, that's a trade secret. - Sorry, Oskie. Looks like we have a snoozer on our hands here. You won't be getting that baby brother after all. [stammers] Now, wait a minute. You haven't seen what being a hero is all about. - You still interested in that ride-along? - Sure. Let's do it. Wait! Let me get cleaned up! Do you have to go now? - Computer: Going now. - Wait, wait, wait. Oh, shit! Pumpernickel! No way do you get the biggest room and the salad bar! Hey, anytime you want to toss a salad, just knock. I knew you were gonna make that joke! [all arguing] Will everyone shut up! I'm working on the goddamn plan. And for the last time, can someone move that Realtor's corpse off the sidewalk? Yeah, I'm on it. - Why is all this shit in my bedroom? - Oh, oh, it's your bedroom? - Oh, it's our it's our bad. Take it. - Wait. Why should Devizo get the big room? All his scheming has ever done is risk our lives. And for what?! - Yeah! - She's not lying. Titanium Rex is still in charge. The League of Freedom is still kicking our asses. - What did we accomplish? - We kind of killed Brad. - Others: Who? - Exactly. Maybe it's time someone else led the Injustice Club, someone who gives everyone a voice. - Yeah! - That's what I'm talkin' about. We want an everyone say it together elec election. I'm sorry, I thought it was more clear. We want an election. - We want an election! - Yeah! Yeah, yeah! Very well, morons. But I think you'll soon find democracy is a double-edged sword. [loud thud] Did Did he just throw the [bleeps] body on the roof? [alarm blaring] Ladies and gentlemen, the pleasure is all yours! - You're getting robbed by the Ski-Mask Gang! - Simmons: The Ski-Mask Gang? Oh, my gosh! It's Academy Award winner JK Simmons! And Titanium Rex. Come on. Let's find some villains that are more cinematic. - What? We have different colored masks. - Come on. Oh, sorry. I didn't realize going to art school was a prerequisite for a life of crime! Where you're going, the only class you'll need is How to Make License Plates 101. Yeah, they don't make license plates in prison anymore. - That industry privatized years ago. - Can we just save all the notes till the end? Yeah! We're trying to work here. [rapid gunfire] [growls] Stay down! A punch to the chin? Kind of cliché. [metal creaking] - Feel like I've seen it. - Ow! Come on! - Okay. - Aah! We're getting somewhere, but we still need some flare. Hey, hand me one of those dye packs. Okay, thank you. [dye pack pops] [screams, gurgles] Oh! That was awesome! - Now put one up his butt! - Okay, I think we're done here. Robo-Dino: Welcome to the Injustice Club presidential debate. Each candidate will be allowed 10 minutes for their opening statement. Dr. Devizo. [feedback whines] [clears throat] I hope this building burns to the ground with all of you in it. Thank you for your time. What? But so That That's it? You're done? I was actually gonna run to the bathroom, but [sighs] Guess Lex Lightning's up. Ask yourselves, are you better off now than you were four hours ago? - Others: No! - Is Titanium Rex dead yet? - No, he's not dead. - Uh-uh. A good leader talks, but a great leader listens. [music] I think there's a lot of talent in this lair, but your voices aren't being heard! - Yeah! - That's true! Elect me, and we'll destroy the League of Freedom together! - [cheering] Whoo-hoo! - All right! - Groaner, what are you doing? - I'm running as an independent. The two-party system is broken, and laughter is the best medicine. - Get off the stage! - Boo! Now let's say this balloon is Dr. Devizo's master plan. - Come on! - Ah! [gagging] Oh no! I propose we all stand around and see if he can dislodge it himself. [groans, spits] Mm, he got it. Oh! Ooh! I'm still looking for that hook, Rex, that detail that makes this a film. I know just what you're looking for. I keep a few mementos in here. Simmons: Key to the city. Presidential Medal of Freedom. I didn't know you were on a stamp. Galapagos Islands. Domestic only. Hey, check out these headlines! "League Defeats Hellish Copter. " "Rex Defeats Nixon's Evil Twin. " "Gas Prices Triple. " Is there a story here? 'Cause I don't get that last one. That is a keepsake from the day I defeated Professor Shrinkray. That's what you call a real swat team, huh? [cackles] - Gross. - Did someone say my name? - Hey, you're Juno's daddy! - Uh, yes. Is it true a lady can get knocked up by sittin' on a toilet? - No - If you put Juno on that "Jurassic Park" island, would she eventually develop both sets of sex organs and get herself pregnant? "All life finds a way" and shit? - I'm gonna go with "unknown. " - Cool. See ya! She doesn't have to be in the movie. It's time to vote. All those in favor of Groaner as leader, say aye! [man clears throat] Oh, is that right? Well, in that case, I have a brief concession speech. [inhales] [bleep] you! All those in favor of Dr. Devizo? - All those in favor of Lex? - All: Aye! - What? - O. M. God! Yay! [music playing] [cheering] [record scratches, music stops] Aah! I've indulged this moronic exercise long enough! Get back to work! Sorry, Devizo. We are in charge of ourselves now. Yeah! [music playing] [Devizo giggles] Good luck. Why Why are you smiling? Why is he smiling? [cork pops] Whoa! This is gonna be great. The key to the perfect green juice is kale. - The leaves are so tender. - Yeah, that's real important when you're going to pulverize them at 37,000 RPMs. [whirs] Oh! That is stupendous, JK. - Drink it, Cooch. - Why? What'd I do wrong? [phone vibrates] Oh, I got to take this. Hey, Bryan. No, you can't borrow it! Look, "Trumbo" was great, but it was Leo's year. Ah, did you try the juice, Robobot? If I ever want to know what it feels like to suck off the Jolly Green Giant, I'll let you know. Wait. Well, what's gotten into all of you? Your friendship with that professional liar is clouding your judgment! - That's ridiculous. - Oh, really? I heard you two running lines late into the night. The Rex I know is in bed by 8:30! Hey, hey, hey. He's on Hollywood time, baby. "Baby"? Rex, what's gotten into you? Nothing. You're sure no one wants a drink? It's delicious. Do you really believe that, Rex? Or are you just acting? Wha no! No. [chuckles] Look, I have to make a phone call. Show us your phone's lock screen. Oh, I-I get it. You think it's gonna be a photo of JK. - Well, it isn't. - Show us. Listen. I'm Titanium Rex, not some goo-goo-eyed, 13-year-old girl. Okay, I'm getting a lot of filibuster here. Let's cut to the part where I take your phone from you. Oh, no, no! Wait! It was like that when I bought it! And this juice is delicious! [gags, groans] Delicious! Okay, great. I said 3:00 p. m., and it's wow, look at that 3:42. But, uh, you prioritized an Arby's run. Do I wish you would have picked me up a beef and cheddar? Sure! But it's not important. I'm the cool boss. Don't care. But care about some things. Okay! Let's storm it up, brain wise. That's a brainstorm. Just start shouting out ideas. Don't be shy. There's no wrong answers here. I don't know how we could get to this plan. I'm just thinking out loud here. [clears throat] If we could somehow end up with Rex's neck in my mouth, uh, my titanium jaw could maybe kill him? Okay, that's great. Yes. Also, I am illiterate. So if you could, uh, draw it maybe. - Yep. - My kicks are pretty accurate, so if I could get within kicking distance of Rex, I could maybe kick him into Robo-Dino's mouth - so he could do that thing he said. - Okay Draw me flying a helicopter so Rabdo can swing down on a rope ladder and kick Rex into Robo-Dino's mouth! - Can you fly a helicopter? - You know what? Draw me getting helicopter lessons. And what are we supposed to do for eight weeks while you're learning to fly a helicopter? - You could learn to read. - Hey! That was aimed at me! - Yeah, no shit. - Guys, maybe let's focus? - Hey, who's our balloon guy on this? - Draw me eating a bone. Say the word, I'll give Gary a call. Maybe one of those helicopters we used to kill Bin Laden! - We? Were you present? - I'm still a goddamn American! [all shouting angrily] TV time! And that's why that son of a bitch was smiling. - Oh, whoa. You're JK Simmons. - Yeah, Hi. This is crazy! I'm writing a screenplay right now, like literally right here. Will you give me your opinion? You have a lot of talent. Never give up on your dreams. - Uh, that was just the title page. - It was great. Titanium Rex: There's my man! [spits] - Ooh. What's wrong? - What's wrong! I'm Bridget Fonda and you're Jennifer Jason Leigh! - That's what's wrong. - Oh, I got that reference. You're totally biting my style. I'm surprised you didn't shave your head. Got an appointment at Supercuts at three. Listen, Rex, I asked you to meet me because I have some bad news. I'm just not feeling your character. You're too hard to get on the screen. You can fly. You're bulletproof. Your metal fist turns into stuff whenever it's convenient. - You're what we call a Mary Sue. - A Mary Sue's a character with no flaws, originating in "Star Trek" fan fiction. There's a beanbag chair over there with your name on it, skinny jeans! Unless you can tell me some sort of weakness or or vulnerability I'm sorry. I I can't. Uh, well, I guess that means there's no reason for us to hang out anymore? Are you Are you waiting for me to say something? Because your statement was true, absolutely. What if we steal an invitation to a League of Freedom black-tie charity event? I enter the skylight on a wire rig, looking awesome. I'm disguised as Johnny Franco, world salsa dance champion. Lex, for the love of Christ, we're talking about salsa lessons! Just be the leader and tell us what to do! Okay, I I [others shouting] Mind if I interrupt this "Gong Show"? While you've been circle-jerking onto your participation trophies, I've been watching my master plan unfold. I've planted a spy in the League of Freedom: JK Simmons! - He was great in "Labor Day. " - Oh, that's very much my tempo. Soon, he will possess the knowledge we need to destroy Titanium Rex and the League forever! Devizo is back, baby! [chanting] Devizo! [others chanting] Devizo! Devizo! - Devizo! - Gong! [all laughing] Wait. How long has that picture been on the back of that board? - Is that really important to the narrative, here? - I would like to know. You were right, Ranger. Actors aren't real people. I was just a fascinating subject to him, someone he could admire and study. But he was never a friend. - Ranger, you're awfully quiet. - I'm sorry, Rex. I saw "Whiplash" last night. JK's biceps alone said more about that character than I know about any of you. The man's a genius, and my life may be forever changed. [alarm beeps] Oops! Late for my drama lessons! I called in the one favor JK owed me to set this up, Rex. You think JK is just out there handing out favors? Eh, he went digging too deep. I want to help him, but I don't know if I have that much trust. Trust? This is Hollywood! If he hasn't offered you cocaine or asked you for a sexual favor yet, he's one of the good ones! Now, I don't care what you have to do. Get out there and make it happen. Go ahead. Show me how the Black Saturn would wash a car. I hope you're taking notes. He'd do it just like this. Nope. I think he'd scrub a little harder than that. JK, I have something I want to show you. A hero's not a hero without a weakness to overcome. I knew all along you weren't a Mary Sue! Mary Sue? Have you guys been reading my fanfics? I had Mary Sue blow Papa Smurf. It's in the secret subterranean level. Cool. Uh, let me just put my glasses on, so I'm not stumbling around in the dark. - Others: Ooh! Ah! [music] - Devizo: Everyone get comfy! You're about to enjoy Titanium Rex's final curtain. What lies below is so dangerous, only I know the way in. [beeps] Easy as pie. Robo-Dino: I never thought I'd say this, but this is better than "Whiplash. " [static crackling] [indistinct shouting] - They're too far underground for the signal to carry! - Come on! Here it is, my only weakness. The anti-magno rod. So powerful, it cancels out the Earth's magnetic field. It saps my powers, weakens my muscles, and with prolonged exposure, could kill me. So whatever you do, don't open that Well, son of a goddamn bitch! [groans] [laughs evilly] You [coughs] betrayed me! I'm a Hollywood actor! It's in our nature. The rod we weakens my body [farts] including my bowels. But I won't apologize for that! [groans] And the Oscar for Best Supporting Corpse goes to Aah! [Lex grunts] - Oscar revoked. - Lex, how did you I know every inch of this mansion, remember? I'm the OG mole. Hmm. Since I'm only half Septopian, it looks like I'm invulnerable to [farts] Okay. Okay, let's get this thing put away. I got a little cocky there. That was my shoe, by the way. - Lex, thank you. - Oh, Daddy. I don't think you understand. I'm not gonna let anyone kill you but me, after I've shown the whole world who you really are. No, no. I'm not buying it. Deep down, you wanted to save your old man. Um, you shot me in the face, you dick! [groans] [music] - I don't know. Try blowing on it! - Stop it! Enough, enough! I don't understand it. By now, he should have - What? - Another mole, Devizo? You should write the next "Taken" movie. They love recycled plots. [glass shatters] [static crackles] No! Whoa, wait. What's happening? People don't like those "Taken" movies? But it's not a total loss. Now that we know where he hides his secret - You mean, this? - Ooh! - Ah-ah. Finders keepers. - You! You Hold the only key to defeating Titanium Rex? Good point, Devizo. So as of now, I'm in charge around here. Does anyone have a problem with that?! [clapping] [chanting] Lex! Lex! Lex! [sadly] Yay! Bravo! Bravo! Give it up. So, how we feeling about that lease? He was Devizo's mole the whole time. I knew that stage parrot was up to no good! Still, that last 15 minutes of "Whiplash" - Mm, perfect. - It's perfect, yeah. I wonder what he was trying to steal. Uh, yeah, I We'll never know. It just seems like it was an awful lot of trouble to go through just to Anyway, movie sure isn't happening now. He sure had me fooled. Not me! I know a butt baby when I see one. Where's Cooch? Hey, Juno's daddy! - I need you to sign 200 pictures. - I don't feel like it. Sorry, man! That ain't quite my tempo! [electricity crackling] [screaming] All right! I'll do it! I'll do it. And make those sons of bitches out to eBay.