The Grandmaster

I can't believe Kim's finally moving back home from Japan. Did Rudy get the "welcome home" banner yet? (Door opens) Guys I found the perfect banner in the clearance section. (Rustles) (Scoffs) Oh, and I know the perfect place to put it. Well, Jack's freaking out because of Kim coming home. He said he didn't have anything to wear, so I went and bought him an outfit. - What do you think? - Milton: Oh Looking good! - Terrible. - Unbelievably bad. Thanks a lot, Milton! (Mimics Milton) Gah! Relax, Jack. Kim's gonna be so excited to see you, she's not even gonna care what you're wearing. - Guys: Kim! - (Laughs) - Hey! - Milton, Jerry, Rudy Oh, what are you wearing? Oh, guys, I brought someone I want you to meet. He's very special to me. I knew it! She runs off to some far away country and gets swept off her feet by some exotic guy with an accent and a a shiny bald head. You're gonna miss this, sister! Guys, this is grandmaster tomo, headmaster at otai. Oh. Ah! You must be sensei Rudy. I've come because two of the finest students I have ever seen have trained at this dojo. - Thank you. - We do what we can. - I was talking about Kim and Jack. - Mmm. - Makes sense. - Much better choice. Rudy, we are considering offering you a position as grandmaster at the otai academy. Oh. Oh, that'd mean he'd have to move to Japan. Wait, Rudy's leaving us? Jerry, relax, this is a really big decision. Rudy loves this dojo more than anything. He's gonna wanna take time to weigh in all of his I'll be in the car, tomo! Dojo's yours, Jack! Don't you get all tough with me I'm saying won't you come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall that's just how we do and no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you here we go, let's start the party chop it up like it's karate everybody won't you come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall that's just how we do and no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you. Before we can offer you the position, we need to know more about you. We'll be talking to people that know you, I'll be returning tomorrow to interview your students. My students will give you the whole truth on Rudy Gillespie, because as sensei, I have taught them that there is nothing more important than honesty and integrity. - (Door opens) - You guys are gonna lie like you have never lied before! Rudy, shouldn't we just tell the truth? Yeah. What, are you worried we're gonna say something embarrassing about you? Yes. Yes, I am. - Sometimes I can be - A nut loaf? I was gonna say, "slightly imperfect," but "nut loaf" works, too. Now here's a few things that you're absolutely not allowed to talk about. Oh! Oh! (Grunts) Ah! - (Rips) - Wha oh! You guys want me to rev this baby up, get some attention? - Kids: No! No! - On it! - (Engine revving) - (Tires screech) I'll rock any pipe you've got, brosef. - Just go for it! Whoo! - Rudy! It's totally worthless. There's nothing here! Nothing here! Ja. I'm Rudy's cousin, Arnold Schwarzenrudy. Look at me, I'm so very huge. And I think that about covers it Unless anyone can think of any other times that I embarrassed myself. Okay, we don't have time for this! You guys got a big day tomorrow of making me look good. So, Milton, at the otai academy, we believe that great leadership creates a peaceful dojo. Would you say that is true here? Uh You know what? That is it! I am so done with you! - I'm done with you! - Ah! (Plops) No! That's it! You left me waiting in the park for the past two hours! Hey! - How dare you?! - (Yelps) - Get off! - (Groans) I w I would definitely say that Rudy's leadership has created a peaceful dojo. Ah. This coffee's terrible. - (Splashes) - (Rudy screams) Jack, at otai we believe it's very important that a grandmaster puts his students before himself. Would you describe Rudy as selfless? Uh Hey, show a little respect. You're talking to a man who's won Two oscars, a nobel peace prize, and the heisman. (Exhales sharply) All right, now before we get started, I just wanna say that when people come into sudden wealth, it can sometimes change 'em. Friends have been known to turn on one another. The miners called it gold fever. I just want you to know that that's Exactly what's gonna happen to me. But rest assured, as you're out there facing certain death, I will be right beside My toasty fire Where I'll be writing a letter of condolence to officer Nate's hot wife Annabelle. All I need is another thousand bucks and it's mine. Guys, I just counted. We have $1,100. Oh, thank you. Uh Selfless. So very selfless is he. (Screams, thuds, groans) Jerry, a leader cannot be great if he does not respect those he leads. Has Rudy taught you to be respectful to each other? Uh It's called the Jerry zone, so step off, not Jerry. What career?! I've had zits that lasted longer than your career! Oh, come on! I think you should crawl back to whatever slop kitchen you oozed out of! Do you wanna learn the ancient martial art Of shin-do? I shin-don't. Well, when I see something wrong, it's my job to do something about it. Why don't you do something about your breath? You could use a mint, sister! Uh Respectful. Very very respectful. Dojo's full of respect. Thank you, Jerry. I've learned everything I need to know. - (Thuds) - (Rudy grunts) (Door opens) Look who just got a shipment of 16-lb. Bowling balls! - Oh! - (Grunts, coughs) - Kickin' it with you! - (Bell rings) Grandmaster tomo, I am so glad Oh. Great. It's just you. - (Bell rings) - Grandmaster tomo! I am so glad Oh. Great. It's just you. - (Bell rings) - Grandmaster tomo! I am so glad Oh. Great. It's just you. - (Bell rings) - Grandmaster tomo! I'm so (Pants) Tired. I'm just gonna stay up here. After talking to your students, I made the decision about making you a grandmaster at otai, and it's Yes! Yes! I knew it! So long, suckers! Grandmaster out! My answer is no. - What? - Wait, why? Because I know Rudy was spying on our interviews. He clearly has something to hide. If you cannot trust your students, I cannot trust you. What? I'm not gonna But I told people and I moved out of mother My apartment. Grandmaster tomo, you're probably gonna want to take a step this way. - Yeah. - Why? Sensei going down! (Crashes, thuds) (Grunts) That's why. I can't believe grandmaster tomo didn't give Rudy the job. - How's he taking it? - (Rudy grunts) - (Glass shatters) - (Rudy yelling) (Banging) Hey, it's better than expected. Guys, we gotta do something. Tomo doesn't know the real Rudy. But we do. He's the best sensei that we could ever hope for. Anyone could ever hope for. Tomo needs to know that. How did you get outside? There's no exit in the locker room. There is now. Time to go put in a skylight. Thanks for agreeing to meet with us. You said you didn't know who Rudy was, which is fair. Sometimes we don't even know. (Gasps) Oh, I'm like a Dutch oven with a cape! Uh, excuse me, ma'am, I'm sorry. - We're closed. - It's me. I'm feeling lucky, baby! - Okay, is Rudy a bit of a crazy person? - Oh, yeah. - No doubt. - Better believe it. But he's also the greatest sensei a student could ask for. Before I came to the dojo I was just a skate punk. - Dude, I was a troublemaker. - You're not gonna believe this, but I You were a nerd. How'd you know? You're still a nerd. We're not gonna let you leave until you hear the truth about Rudy. (Crying) So I'm not good enough to be a grandmaster? (Sniffles) Fine. I don't need a dojo! I don't need any of this! Except for that blender. Other than this, I don't need anything. I kinda need this stool. I need this blender and I need this stool, and that is it! God, that's a really nice bowl of fruit. You know what? I am taking the whole juice bar. You are coming with me, juice bar! (Grunting) Rudy, I need to speak to you. Tough! I don't need anything from you! Except for this pen. Rudy, I have had a meeting with your students and they finally told me the truth about you. Oh, great. So now you know that I chew on my toenails, I wear diapers to long movies and I got banned from the petting zoo for Rudy! We didn't tell him any of those things. Good, because none of those things are true. I've really misjudged you. I have never seen students so loyal to their sensei. They've truly shown me what kind of man you are, and we'd be honored to have you at otai. (Cheering) Rudy: Yes, get in here. Kim: You guys stink. And no matter how much I chop and punch It's not as cool as kickin' it with you! All right, since we spend most of our time making fun of Rudy behind his back, we thought, before he leaves, why not do it in front of his face - (Rimshot) - With the roast of Rudy Gillespie?! - (Cheering) - All right. Okay, okay. As you know, a roast is when you make fun of someone in a good-natured and loving way. This is my first roast, so here it goes. Rudy, you are a hideous little man and nobody likes you. Honestly, you have no friends. I hope you die alone. (Laughing) Oh, "die alone!" Phil, oh, terrific. Oh, Rudy's a terrific guy, and I'm shocked that he's the only man in Seaford that I haven't asked out yet. That's not a joke, stretch. But seriously, Rudy, how about you and I Ah, keep it moving! You'll be back. Anyway, coming to work has been a whole lot more fun because of Rudy and And all you guys. - You feel the burn? - Whoo-ee! I feel it! Hey, look, my butt's looking better already you might have a touch of the Madagascar madness. What makes you say that? I feel fine. I should probably call a doctor. - No, you're not calling anyone. - (Snaps) I never felt so alive! (Folk music playing) Please enjoy your free beach experience. Mm-hmm. That's what I thought. Ah! - Fire in the hole! - (Screams) Not only is Rudy a sensei, but he's a businessman and entrepreneur, and he's equally terrible at all three! - That was a joke. - No, it it wasn't. A lot of the times, people may say I'm not the sharpest bulb in the shed, but that is simply not false. You're talking into a Pepper mill. - Dummy. - (Feedback) What is wrong with this thing? Hey. Despite what we've just heard, everybody knows that Rudy is our friend. Rudy, I hate your face! (Joan laughing) Classic. But as our sensei, he helped us grow from kids into the wasabi warriors. - Wasabi! - (All grunting) Rudy. We love you. And we want to present you with this ceremonial belt. Wow. This is the ugliest thing anyone's ever given me. (Chuckles) We've made it from pieces of every belt you've helped us earn. This is the most beautiful thing anyone's ever given me. (Breathes shakily) Keep it together, Rudy. Letting 'em see you cry is a sign of weakness. (Both crying) I am going to miss you! - Do you wanna go on a date? - I gotta go. I am so thankful for the honor of being a grandmaster. And I just want you to know that I'm gonna be the same humble Rudy that I've always been. Good to hear, Rudy. Here is your plane ticket. (Scoffs) Coach? You expect me to fly coach? I'm a grandmaster, baby. Yeah, no no, coach is good. It's it's it's Here are the profiles to your black-belt students at otai. Wait, where are all the white belts? We have no white belts. You will be grandmaster to students who are already champions. I'll go see if the car is here. (Door opens) (Door closes) - (Sighs) - I wonder who the new head sensei will be. Well, hopefully me. I interviewed for it. So if we go in there and I'm waiting to meet us, - don't be surprised. - Just go. Rudy, what are you doing here? I decided to stay. - Why? - Because you guys showed me that here I can make a difference. Ah. Look, you can have all the money in the world, but if you don't have what we have right here, you got nothing. To friends. Jerry, volunteering can be very rewarding. What was it that you were supposed to do? I was supposed to bring meals and help out some old man. Well, not only are you gonna do it, but I'm gonna go with you! And no matter where life takes us, we'll always be connected by the wasabi code. One final wasabi? All: Wasabi! Nice. Again. - That was good. - All this Just so we can go on a date. You know what? You're worth it. Kick! (Exhales sharply) Kick! Jerry, why'd you do this for me? What I did was wrong, bro. I shouldn't have taken credit for something you did. Thanks, Jerry. Congratulations, Jerry. You're now a black belt. - Thank you, sensei. - Look at you, man. I'm so proud. They say you never forget your first love. And I know I never will. Remember what Rudy said: No matter where we go, we'll always be connected. I can't believe how far you guys have come. (All laugh) We're really glad you decided to stay, man. We know you're gonna be able to help a lot of other kids. They tried to make you fly coach, didn't they? It's none of your business, Kim! Welcome home, sensei. All right, now line up. - Hup! - (Kids grunt) Wasabi! All four cameras. I would make the perfect general Douglas! (Chuckles, grunting) Uh, oh n What's the line? And that's all the letters of the alphabet. Well, that's still too many. - A traitor. - (Rips) You need to hit the gym, bro. (Laughter) (Theme music playing) (Dog growls, barks)