The Graduation Transmission


 * Headmaster Edwards: And now, for our commencement address, one of our most distinguished alumni, noted Caltech physicist, Doctor Leonard Hofstadter. (Applauds.)
 * Leonard: Members of the facility, students. I’m excited to speak to you today. I can’t help, but remember the last time I was in that auditorium. Two guys from the lacrosse team played keep away with my asthma inhaler. But enough about my ten year reunion. I’d also like to take a moment to thank my beautiful fiancee for helping to make this speech possible, even though weather nearly prevented it.
 * Penny: Oh, hello. I didn’t know he was going to point it at me so, don’t do drugs and stay in school.
 * Leonard: They’re graduates.
 * Penny: Okay. By-ee!

(Later)
 * Leonard: It was L. Frank Baum who said, “No thief, however skillful, can rob one of knowledge.” And that is why knowledge is the best and safest treasure. Wow, I’m boring myself. (Sighs.) Sorry I can’t see any of your faces right now, but I bet you they look like this. Uh, you know, I wrote an entire speech to say how high school prepares you and what a wonderful place it is, but I hated it. Maybe high school is great if you look like this (Penny.), but I didn’t even feel like I existed at that school. And now that I think about it, I bet a lot of you feel the same way. So, for the reminder of my speech, this is for the invisible kids. Uh, maybe you never fit in. Or maybe you’re the smallest kid in the school, or the heaviest or the weirdest. Maybe you’re graduating and you still haven’t had your first kiss. By the way, nineteen, AND Geraldine Coco, wherever you are, thank you. Maybe you don’t have any friends. And guess what? That’s okay. While all the popular kids are off doing, whatever, I don’t know what they are doing ‘cause I was never there...
 * Penny: I…I’ll tell you later.
 * Leonard: My point is, while you’re spending all this time on your own, building computers or practicing the cello, what you’re really doing is becoming interesting. And when finally do notice you, they’re going to find someone a lot cooler than they thought. And for those of you who were popular in high school, it’s over, sorry. Thank you and congratulations. (Applauds.)


 * Raj: It’s time for me step up and take responsibility for my life. Be a man. Hello, Mummy.
 * Mrs. K: Hello, Rajesh. What a nice surprise.
 * Raj: Well, I’ve been thinking about you. How are you doing? Are you happy, Mummy?
 * Mrs. K: Such a sweet boy for asking. Can’t believe you come from the poison seed of your father.
 * Raj: Well, I like to think I take mostly after you. Anyway speaking of Daddy, I had a very strange conversion with him. He said he couldn’t afford to send me money anymore because of his active social life.
 * Mrs. K: What do you mean, “Active social life”?
 * Raj: Well, let’s not talk about him or whatever shenanigans he may not may not be up to. Let’s talk about you.
 * Mrs. K: Rajesh; is your father seeing someone?
 * Raj: All I know Mummy, is that he’s a single wealthy doctor and now for some reason there’s no money for your little boy.
 * Mrs. K: Well, however much your father was giving you, I’ll give up more.
 * Raj: Thank-you, Mummy. I love you. (whispers to the guys) Helicopters for everybody!


 * Tech Support Voice: Your call is important to us. All our technicians are busy helping other customers. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.
 * ("On Hold" music plays)
 * Howard: What happened to me? When did I become an old man baffled by modern technology? Next thing you know, I’ll be hitching my pants up to my armpits and complaining about the awful music the kids are listening to.
 * Sheldon: It is awful, isn’t it? Listen to that noise.
 * Howard: (Helicopter takes off.) Hang on, hang on. It’s working. I did it.
 * Raj: How did you do that?
 * Howard: No idea, but I did it.
 * Bernadette: (she's warning the three men crossly) Maybe you shouldn’t be flying it inside.
 * Howard: I’m not flying it.
 * Sheldon: Then who is?
 * Howard: I don’t know. Must be getting a Wi-Fi signal from somewhere else.
 * Sheldon: Initiate landing sequence. Initiate landing sequence. Hey, the camera’s working. Oh, look it’s me. (Screams.)
 * Tech support: Tech support. How can I help you?
 * Sheldon: Yes, it’s a robot uprising. Call the police.


 * (The opening scene at the apartment where Howard and Raj are admiring a helicopter whilst everyone else is ready for dinner)
 * Raj: It’s, like, the best one they make, I just can’t get it to work.
 * Howard: I’ll figure it out.
 * Raj: It streams HD video straight to your phone while it’s flying.
 * Howard: Nice. Where were you when I was single?
 * (Leonard enters the apartment with a suitcase)
 * Leonard: Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed?
 * Penny: Uh, yeah, I just need to throw in a few last minute things, you know, makeup, underwear, clothes.
 * Sheldon: If your bathroom floor counts as a carry-on, you’re packed.
 * Amy: Leonard, have you ever given a high school commencement speech before?
 * Leonard: Nope, it’s pretty exciting.
 * Sheldon: Aren’t you afraid of being blinded?
 * Leonard: How would I be blinded?
 * Sheldon:At the end of the ceremony, all the students throe those pointy hats on the air. It’s all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.
 * Leonard: I’ll take my chances.
 * Sheldon: Fine. I wonder if they make “I told you so” cards in Braille?
 * Raj: Look, the problem with commencement speeches is that they’re boring. Ooo. Do you own a t-shirt cannon?
 * Howard: Why would he own a t-shirt cannon?
 * Raj: I don’t know. Why do I own one?
 * Amy: I think it’s really nice that you’re sharing this experience with Penny.
 * Leonard: Mmm, I thought it would be fun to show her my old stomping grounds. I even know the exact spot where they used to stomp me.
 * Bernadette: Well, now you get to go back as a successful scientist.
 * Amy: With a beautiful girl on your arm.
 * Sheldon: And a pointy hat sticking out of your eyeball.


 * (The scene of Leonard and Penny in the hallway with their suitcases)
 * Leonard: How’d you get ready so fast?
 * Penny: Oh, I packed light. Once I spent an entire Spring break with nothing, but a long t-shirt and a belt.
 * Leonard: Why did you need a belt?
 * Penny: It’s called an evening look. I’ve never been to New Jersey before.
 * Leonard: It gets a bad rap from shows like Jersey Shore and Real Housewives.
 * Penny: So it’s not really like that?
 * Leonard: No, it’s like that. Well, I’m excited to show you around.
 * Penny: You think we will have time to visit your Mom over there?
 * Leonard: Yes, we’ll also have time to put my junk in a garlic press, but I’m not doing that either.


 * Dr. K: Oh, and there’s something else I wanted ask you. Why did you spend a month’s rent on a toy helicopter?
 * Raj: Oh you’re where that bill goes.
 * Dr. K: I’m tired of indulging your foolish lifestyle. It’s time you learned responsibility. And the only way to teach you that is to cut off your allowance.
 * Raj: No, daddy, no! There’s lot of other ways to teach me responsibility. I know, you can give me an egg and make take care of it for a week.
 * Dr. K: No, My mind is made up. Starting now, you’re on your own.
 * Raj: But, Daddy. I miss my family so much and with you and Mummy getting a divorce, I feel sad and empty. Buying a little toy every now and then helps me fill that void. So while I can’t hug you every day, flying that helicopter.
 * Dr. K: I’m cutting you off.
 * Raj: Just to be clear, financially or mid-sentence.


 * Leonard: Uh-oh. I just got an alert. Our flight’s been cancelled.
 * Penny: What?
 * Leonard: Yeah, looks like there’s a big storm all up the East Coast.
 * Penny: Well, can we get on another airline?
 * Leonard: I don’t think so.
 * Penny: So, that’s it? We’re not going?
 * Leonard: I guess not.
 * Penny: Well, that sucks.
 * Leonard: Yeah. I worked hard on that speech, too.
 * Penny: Oh. You could tell it to me.
 * Leonard: Oh, thank you, but I’m okay.
 * Penny: Are you sure? I could pretend I’m a high school cheerleader who can’t control herself around esteemed alumni.
 * Leonard: Greetings, distinguished cheerleaders


 * Howard: Okay, I think I’ve narrowed it down to a faulty pin on the on-board communication chip.
 * Sheldon: Very impressive. You know, when you’re done with that, can you look at this? (holds up a toy train) It doesn’t make smoke anymore.
 * Howard: One toy at a time.
 * Sheldon: Mm. Sorry. Ah, maybe it’s for the best. I hear locomotive smoke is the second leading cause of death among train aficionados.
 * Raj: What’s the first one?
 * Howard: Suicide. (Howard and Raj laugh)
 * Sheldon: Wrong. Obesity.
 * (Enter Bernadette)
 * Bernadette: I have the tool you wanted.
 * Howard: Thank you.
 * Raj: You guys don’t have to go to the trouble. I’m back in the money now, I can just buy another helicopter.
 * Howard: It’s not about the money. It’s about solving a problem. It’s why I became an engineer. It’s what I like to do, it’s what I’m trained to do. It’s who I am.
 * Sheldon: Oh, look at you, the little engineer that could.
 * Bernadette: Why don’t you just call tech support?
 * Howard: Hey.
 * Sheldon: Whoa.
 * Raj: Not cool.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking all three guys crossly) What?
 * Howard: There’s two kinds of people in this world, those who call tech support, and those who make fun of the people who call tech support.
 * Bernadette: I call tech support all the time.
 * Howard: Ha-ha.
 * Sheldon: You call tech support.
 * Raj: What a baby.


 * Howard: All right, the power supply is reconnected. I think we’re back in business. Let’s just run a few tests before we take it outside. Sheldon, we got WiFi?
 * Sheldon: Check.
 * Howard: GPS?
 * Raj: Check.
 * Howard: Battery charged?
 * Sheldon: Check.
 * Bernadette: Four hours of our lives gone? Check.
 * Howard: All right. All systems go. In five…
 * Together (Howard, Raj, Sheldon): Four, three, two, one.
 * (Drone sparks and smoke puffs out the top)
 * Sheldon: That’s what my train used to do.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Howard crossly) Ready to call tech support?
 * Howard: Give me the number. Probably wind up talking to some foreign guy who’s reading from the same manual I have.
 * (Raj’s phone rings)
 * Raj: It’s my father, you jerks. Hello, Daddy.
 * Dr. Koothrappali: What did you say to your mother?
 * Raj: Nothing. I was just calling to check in, make sure she’s doing okay.
 * Dr. Koothrappali: Well, after talking to you, she seems to think I’m some sort of playboy.
 * Raj: Really? I don’t know where she’d get an idea like that. You know Mummy and her crazy imagination I’m so lucky I take after you.
 * Dr. Koothrappali: You think you take after me?
 * Raj: Well, I try to. I certainly wouldn’t be a scientist if you hadn’t been my role model. (Re-entering apartment) Who wants to go to Vegas in a real helicopter?