The Luminous Fish Effect

Quotes

 * Leonard: Howard brought a date?
 * Sheldon: A more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an amazing leap forward.


 * Mary: (To Raj) I made chicken. I hope that isn't one of the animals ya'll people think is magic.


 * Howard: (With a woman) Hey, what up, science bitches?

Scene: Penny’s car


 * Penny: (she's being curious to Sheldon) How come you didn’t go into work today?
 * Sheldon: I’m taking a sabbatical, because I won’t kow-tow to mediocre minds.
 * Penny: (she grins sarcastically) So you got canned, huh?
 * Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get canned. But yeah.
 * Penny: Well, maybe it’s all for the best. You know I always say, when one door closes, another one opens.
 * Sheldon: No it doesn’t. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or there are motion sensors involved.
 * Penny: No, no, I meant…
 * Sheldon: Or the first door closing causes a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.
 * Penny: (she grumbles for a bit) Never mind.
 * Sheldon: Slow down. Slow down, please slow down.
 * Penny: We’re fine.
 * Sheldon: Look, you’re not leaving yourself enough space between cars.
 * Penny: (she shouts crossly) Oh, sure I am.
 * Sheldon: No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let’s say 4,000lb, now add say 140 for me, 120 for you.
 * Penny: (she's asking Sheldon crossly) 120?
 * Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?
 * Penny: Well, yeah.
 * Sheldon: Interesting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let’s say, 4,400lb.
 * Penny: (she's so very surprised) Let’s say 4,390.
 * Sheldon: Fine. We’re travelling forward at, good Lord, 51 miles an hour. Now let’s assume that your brakes are new and the callipers are aligned, still, by the time we come to a stop, we’ll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation and… oh look, they built a new put-put course.

Scene: The supermarket.


 * Sheldon: This is great. Look at me, out in the real world of ordinary people, just living their ordinary, colourless, workaday lives.
 * Penny: Thank you.
 * Sheldon: No, thank you. And thank you, ordinary person. Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes?
 * Penny: Uh, no, no not really. Listen, didn’t you say you needed some eggs.
 * Sheldon: Uh, yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.
 * Penny: Oh, okay, well maybe you should start heading on out then.
 * Sheldon: No, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think you’ll really enjoy this, is, they’re shelved with the vegetables, but they’re technically a fruit.
 * Penny: Interesting.
 * Sheldon: Isn’t it?
 * Penny: No, I mean what you find enjoyable.
 * Sheldon (as Penny selects vitamin supplements): Oh boy.
 * Penny: What now?
 * Sheldon: Well, there’s some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much, what you’re buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine.
 * Penny: Well, maybe that’s what I was going for.
 * Sheldon: Well then you’ll want some manganese.

Scene: On the stairwell of the apartment building.


 * Sheldon: That was fun. Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehouse stores.
 * Penny: Oh, I don’t know Sheldon, it’s going to take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today.
 * Sheldon: Are you sure? There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month’s supply at a time.
 * Penny: What?
 * Sheldon: Well think about it, it’s a product that doesn’t spoil, and you’re going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years.
 * Penny: You want me to buy thirty years worth of tampons?
 * Sheldon: Well, thirty, thirty five, hey, when did your mother go into menopause?
 * Penny: Okay, I’m not talking about this with you.
 * Sheldon: Oh, Penny, this is a natural human process, and we’re talking about statistically significant savings. Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28 day cycle, are you fairly regular? (Penny shuts the door in his face.) Okay, no warehouse store, but we’re still on for putt-putt golf, right?


 * (Sheldon is sitting in his room, working on a genetic sculpture, when his mom walks in.)
 * Mary: Good Morning, Snickerdoodle!
 * Sheldon: Morning.
 * Mary: (Looking at Sheldon's sculpture) Aw, now that looks awful fancy - what is that?
 * Sheldon: It's my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon based life-form.
 * Mary: But intelligently designed by a creator, right?
 * Sheldon: What do you want, Mom?
 * Mary: You know how your Daddy always used to say that you can only fish for so long before you've gotta throw a stick of dynamite in the water?
 * Sheldon: Yes.
 * Mary: (Picking out a shirt, pants, and shoes from Sheldon's closet) Well, I'm done fishing. You put those on.
 * Sheldon: What for?
 * Mary: Because you're gonna go down to your office, and you're gonna apologize to your boss, and get your job back.
 * Sheldon: No.
 * Mary: I'm sorry, did I start that sentence with the words, "If it pleases you your highness"?
 * Sheldon: I'm not going to apologize. I didn't say anything that wasn't true.
 * Mary: Now you listen here. I've been telling you since you were four years old, it's okay to be smarter than everybody else but you can't go around pointing it out.
 * Sheldon: And why not?
 * Mary: Because people don't like it! Remember all the ass-kickings you got from the neighbor kids? Now let's get cracking. Shower, shirt, shoes, and let's shove off. [Leaves]
 * Sheldon: Wouldn't have been any ass-kickings if that stupid Death-Ray had worked!


 * Sheldon: (Reluctantly apologizing to Dr. Gablehauser) We may have gotten off on the wrong foot when I called you an idiot. I was wrong... to point it out.


 * Sheldon: How’s this? Pleased to meet you, Dr. Gablehauser. How fortunate for you that the University has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you've done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo.
 * Leonard: "Mahalo" is a nice touch.
 * Sheldon: You know, there are only eight consonants in the Hawaiian language.
 * Leonard: Interesting. You should lead with that.


 * Mary: Oh, you got yourself a loom. How nice.
 * Sheldon: Thank you.
 * Mary: Honey, why did you get a loom?
 * Sheldon: I was working with luminous fish, and I thought, "Hey...loom".