Ted 2


 * Narrator: [voice over] We are often told that happily ever afters exists only in the pages of fairy tales, and in the naive minds of sheltered innocents. And yet on this bright sunny Boston afternoon, a talking teddy bear is about to marry his girlfriend. Proving two things: Happy endings can come true for anyone, and America doesn’t give a shit about anything. [we see Ted and Tami-Lynn in a church getting married]
 * Sam Jones: Do you Tami-Lynn McCafferty take this teddy bear to be your lawfully wedded husband?
 * Tami-Lynn: I do!
 * Sam Jones: And do you, Ted, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
 * Ted: Fucking A right I do!
 * Sam Jones: Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bear. [Ted and Tami-Lynn kiss and the guests in the church clap and cheer] [at their wedding reception]
 * Tami-Lynn: Teddy, this is the best day of my life! I just love you so much!
 * Ted: I love you too, baby I’m gonna go fifty shades of bear on you tonight!
 * Tami-Lynn: Let’s go get shit faced!
 * Ted: Okay! [Tami-Lynn gets them some bears from the bar]
 * Tami-Lynn: Thank you. [she hands a bottle to Ted, at the same time Guy walks up to them hand in hand with his boyfriend]
 * Guy: Hey, congratulations, you mo-fo’s.
 * Ted: Oh, hey, Guy.
 * Guy: Beautiful ceremony.
 * Tami-Lynn: Oh, thank you so much for being part of it.
 * Guy: Hey, this is my new boyfriend Rick.
 * Rick: How you doin’?
 * Tami-Lynn: Good, good.
 * Guy: He is a gourmet chef. So he knows how to toss a salad. [they both chuckle]
 * Guy: Rick and I are actually about to tie the knot.
 * Tami-Lynn: Oh, you guys getting married?
 * Guy: No, we’re just gonna go home and tie our dicks together.
 * Rick: Huh! Fuck you.
 * Guy: Fuck you.
 * Rick: Deal. [they high five each other and hold onto each other arms] [Ted notices John sitting on his own looking sad so Ted walks over to him]
 * Ted: Hey, buddy. Are you okay there? You look a little down. Are you still shaking off that hangover from the bachelor party? [flashback to Ted’s bachelor party where Ted, John and some other guys are watching something on TV]
 * John: She’s fucking begging for it!
 * Ted: She’s totally. Yeah, get it! Get in there!
 * Bachelor Party Guest: Look at her! She wants it bad! [we see they are watching a nature program where two bears are copulating]
 * John: Yeah, she wants more than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh?
 * Ted: That’s bigger than the average bear, right there, I’ll tell you that.
 * John: Hey, you know what’s fucked up? That’s somebody’s fucking daughter!
 * Bachelor Party Guest: Oh, Jesus, come on! [back to the wedding reception with Ted and John looking sad]
 * John: No, I’m fine. I was…I was just thinking about Lori.
 * Ted: Oh, Johnny. Come on. Man, it’s been six months since you guys got divorced.
 * John: I know! I know! It’s just that…I don’t know, being back in that church again? You know, everything seemed like it was gonna be so perfect.
 * Ted: Yeah, well, you’re not the first guy to marry the wrong girl.
 * Sam Jones: Hey! Big day, huh, bud? You guys want to celebrate with a little…? [he wipes his nose indicating drugs]
 * Ted: Oh, no. Thanks, Sam. Tami-Lynn’d kill me if I did drugs on our wedding day.
 * Sam Jones: Ah, she won’t notice. I just did a line with a dude in the men’s room and I bet you can’t even spot him. [he looks up and we see a man vigorously jumping rope in the middle of the guests, he then punches a guest and jumps out the window]
 * Ted: Yeah, I’m gonna pass. [as they are dancing at their wedding reception] This is the best day of my life! [One Year Later; Ted is sat in their apartment going through their piled up bills] Hey, I’m starving. What the hell are you doing over there?
 * Tami-Lynn: I’m carrying cancer! I’m cooking your fucking steak! What do you think I’m doing?
 * Ted: What do I think you’re doing? I think you’re bleeding us dry, is what I think you’re doing. [pointing to a bill] Look at this, look at this! A hundred and twenty-nine dollars at Filings Basement! What are you buying over there, Tami, gold bars?
 * Tami-Lynn: I need clothes for work. Alright, Teddy!
 * Ted: What do you mean? You wear a smock! You’re a fucking cashier!
 * Tami-Lynn: Yeah! So are you!
 * Ted: Yeah, exactly and I’m not…I’m not going out and buying designer shit! I’m not going into…
 * Tami-Lynn: Oh, no, no, no, no! You’re just buying weed! You’re just buying drugs, you should fucking talk!
 * Ted: I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me.
 * Tami-Lynn: Well, I have to interrupt you, or else I never get to fucking say anything!
 * Ted: Are you going to let me finish talking?
 * Tami-Lynn: You’re always cutting me off!
 * Ted: Are you going to let me finish talking?
 * Tami-Lynn: You know what?
 * Ted: Are you going to let me finish talking?
 * Tami-Lynn: It’s important to look good at work, okay? I’m trying to climb corporate fence here! Okay?
 * Ted: People are not…! Nobody is in there to look at your ass. Their all there to buy…
 * Tami-Lynn: You know what? You’re acting like an asshole!
 * Ted: Oh, what am I acting like?!
 * Tami-Lynn: You’re acting like a fucking asshole!
 * Ted: What am I acting like?!
 * Tami-Lynn: Like an asshole! That’s what you’re acting like.
 * Ted: You don’t have to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag.
 * Tami-Lynn: I am the face of the business, okay?
 * Ted: The face of business? Jesus Christ!
 * Tami-Lynn: Just get off my case, alright?!
 * Ted: Listen to you, you’re delusional!
 * Tami-Lynn: I should’ve married Robby Echico, I really should’ve.
 * Ted: Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!
 * Tami-Lynn: He treated me good, and he had a dick! He had an awesome dick!
 * Ted: Oh, news flash! “Boston whore has seen Italian penis.”
 * Tami-Lynn: What the fuck did you just call me? What did you just fucking call me…? [suddenly Tami-Lynn picks up the frying pan off the stove and throws it at Ted]
 * Ted: Jesus fucking Christ?! What the fuck?!
 * Tami-Lynn: Are you gonna call me a whore?! [Tami-Lynn throws the toaster at Ted]
 * Ted: You wanna throw shit?
 * Tami-Lynn: Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit!
 * Ted: I’ll fucking throw shit! [Ted throws a beer bottle at the wall smashing it] There! See? How do you like that? [he then throws the table over]
 * Tami-Lynn: Oh! I’m so scared. I’m really fucking scared of you, little fucking bear!
 * Boston Neighbor: Shut the fuck up!
 * Ted: Oh, for Christ’s sake! [Ted opens the window and shout down to the neighbor] You shut the fuck up!
 * Boston Neighbor: Why do not you come down and make me, tough guy?
 * Ted: Yeah, why don’t you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?
 * Boston Neighbor: I am gonna come up there and I’m gonna kick your fucking ass!
 * Ted: I want you to try, asshole! Get your ass up here and kick my ass! [a Portuguese neighbor opens her window and shouts at the in Portuguese] Why don’t you shut up?
 * Boston Neighbor: People are trying to sleep!
 * Ted: Shut the Fuck up! [the Portuguese neighbor closes her window]
 * Boston Neighbor: Hey, I’m really sorry!
 * Ted: Yeah, me too.
 * Boston Neighbor: She’s worse than us.
 * Ted: Yeah, she’s our enemy now. [Ted is at the bar drinking with John]
 * John: You guys at least tried marriage therapy?
 * Ted: Oh, God. Yeah, it was a freaking disaster. Two hundred and fifty dollars and we didn’t learn a Goddamn thing.
 * John: Two-fifty? Due, that’s ridiculous. I mean, doesn’t your insurance cover that or something?
 * Ted: No, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for Obama Care on the internet, but I came back five minutes later, she was looking at black cocks.
 * John: It seems like every time you go online you’re two clicks away from black cocks. Look, see? [he takes out his phone] I googled Grand Canyon. Here. Look, it says, “Did you mean black cocks?”
 * Ted: I don’t know, man, I gotta do something or my marriage is gonna collapse.
 * Allison: Here you go, guys. [she brings them their drinks] We’re gonna be closing in a few minutes. I’m going to this after hours thing at my friend’s apartment if you want to join?
 * John: Oh, thanks, Allison, but I got an early day tomorrow.
 * Allison: Oh. Okay. Well, if you change your mind, here’s the address. [she writes it down on a napkin] I put my cell number on there too. [she turns and walks away]
 * Ted: Oh, my God! Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me?
 * John: What?
 * Ted: What do you mean what? After hours? Jeez, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you!
 * John: I’m not into it.
 * Ted: John, you’ve been saying that for over a year and a half about every chick that throws herself at you. You gotta get back in the game, man!
 * John: No, don’t start this shit. Alright? Look, I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl and got burned. I’m not gonna make that mistake again.
 * Ted: Jesus, Johnny. You’re not gonna marry Allison, you’re just gonna bang her, and maybe pee a little on her.
 * John: What?
 * Ted: It’s always good to find new ways to surprise your lover.
 * John: Yeah, I gotta take a leak. [John rises and walks off]
 * Ted: Sorry, Allison. I tried.
 * Allison: Oh, it’s okay. I just wish he wasn’t so Goddamn cute.
 * Ted: Yeah. Hey, can I get a Jack Daniels with just a splash of Gray Goose?
 * Allison: Wish I could help you, but we’re closing.
 * Ted: Come on. One drink and I promise I won’t tell anybody that Jay Leno comes in here for gay bathroom sex. [we hear John shouting from the bathroom]
 * John: Hey, what the fuck are you doing? Get off me! [Jay Leno walks out of the bathroom]
 * Jay Leno: Sorry! It’s my mistake. [at the grocery store, Liam Neeson stops at Ted’s counter to buy Trix cereal]
 * Liam Neeson: Hey.
 * Ted: Hello.
 * Liam Neeson: I’d, uh…like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
 * Ted: Uh, yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.
 * Liam Neeson: That’s right. I’ve been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children, is that correct?
 * Ted: Well, I mean they say, uh…Trix are for kids in the commercials.
 * Liam Neeson: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And is that enforced by law?
 * Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
 * Liam Neeson: So if I purchases these Trix there’ll be no trouble?
 * Ted: No, no, you should be fine.
 * Liam Neeson: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
 * Ted: I…I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
 * Liam Neeson: Okay, I’m gonna bring these back to my apartment.
 * Ted: Uh, yeah, yeah. You’ll…you’ll be okay.
 * Liam Neeson: And, uh…I won’t be followed?
 * Ted: Uh, no. That’s…that’s not in our budget here. [Liam Neeson puts the money on the counter]
 * Liam Neeson: Hey, I won’t forget what you’ve done for me here today.
 * Ted: I would prefer that you do. [Liam Neeson hides the cereal box under his jacket and walks off] Jesus Christ! [Ted’s co-worker, Joy, notices that Tami-Lynn is not talking to Ted]
 * Joy: You two still not talking?
 * Ted: No. Honest to God, Joy, I don’t know how to fix this. I mean, how the hell do you take a broken marriage and make it work again?
 * Joy: Well, I tell you one way. You have yourselves a baby.
 * Ted: A baby?
 * Joy: Uh-huh! Look at that. You see them two white niggers over there? [Ted turns to look at the couple in the store holding their baby]
 * Ted: Yeah, what?
 * Joy: Look at ’em, they’re so happy. Because they got that little baby keeping them together. If they didn’t have that baby, they’d just be two sad ass white niggers waiting for Downton Abby to come home.
 * Ted: “White”, you said it twice. Is that an actual phrase or…?
 * Joy: I’m telling you Ted, y’all better have a baby or your marriage is over. Trust. [Ted goes to see Tami-Lynn in the stock room]
 * Ted: Uh, hey.
 * Tami-Lynn: Go away Teddy.
 * Ted: Tami, listen, I just want to talk to you. Okay? Will you just listen to me for one second?
 * Tami-Lynn: Why? So you can give me shit about my clothes?
 * Ted: No! Look, I’m sorry about that, okay? I’m sorry, I was an asshole and I didn’t mean it.
 * Tami-Lynn: You know, whatever, Teddy.
 * Ted: Tami, listen. I love you. Okay? And…and I don’t want us to fight like we’ve been doing the past few months.
 * Tami-Lynn: I don’t know, Teddy. I mean, something got to change. You know? Because I can’t do this no more. It’s too much.
 * Ted: I know, I know. And that’s why I want to have a baby.
 * Tami-Lynn: You do?
 * Ted: Yeah.
 * Tami-Lynn: A baby? Like really?
 * Ted: Yeah! See I think if we got a kid to love, it’ll teach us how to love each other again.
 * Tami-Lynn: Oh, my God, Teddy. You better not be messing with me.
 * Ted: I swear to God, I’m not messing with you. I think you’ll make an awesome mom.
 * Tami-Lynn: Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? I would like kick so much ass at moming.
 * Ted: So what do you say, we all good?
 * Tami-Lynn: Yes! Ah, I love you! I love you so much!
 * Ted: Oh, baby! I love you too! [Tami-Lynn kisses Ted] Let’s make a baby!
 * Tami-Lynn: Let’s make a baby! [John and Ted are sat on the couch getting stoned as they watch TV]
 * John: Okay, are you ready?
 * Ted: Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
 * John: Here it comes.
 * Ted: Okay. Okay. I’m ready. [Ted starts singing the theme tune to Law & Order as it starts on the TV] Let’s all go to court. Let’s go make some law now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, some law. Bow… I say we go to court.
 * John: Yes, let’s go to court.
 * Ted: We’re a bunch of assholes who take up a whole hallway with our conversation. [Ted continues to sing to the theme tune as it finishes] Hey, you lawyer guys. You don’t know me and Johnny are watching you. While we’re high.
 * Ted: Hey, so, uh…listen, I got, uh…I got some big news to tell you.
 * John: Oh, yeah. What’s that?
 * Ted: Tami-Lynn and I are gonna have a baby.
 * John: Holy shit! You?
 * Ted: Yeah! Yeah! We talked about it today.
 * John: Dude, that’s fucking awesome! Congratulations!
 * Ted: Thank You!
 * John: Wait, wait, wait! How do you guys…?
 * Ted: Well, that’s the thing. We…we, uh…we gotta find a sperm donor. And, um…I’m wondering, what do you think Sam Jones would say if I asked him?
 * John: You want to Flash Gordon to father of your child?
 * Ted: Yeah, I mean do you think would that be weird? Like he’d be freaked out if I…?
 * John: No, I think he’d be flattered, plus your baby would be a fucking superhero!
 * Ted: Well that was the logic I arrived at as well.
 * John: I say do it.
 * Ted: Alright, I’ll shoot him an e-mail right now and see if I can stop by tonight. You’ll come with me?
 * John: Sure!
 * Ted: Alright, great. [as Ted goes to send a text to Sam Jones] Shit, I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?
 * John: Yeah, go ahead.
 * Ted: Okay, thanks. [Ted goes to use John’s laptop] What the fuck?
 * John: Holy shit! What’s the matter? What happened? What’s going on? [John goes over to Ted who’s sat looking at John’s laptop]
 * Ted: There is so much porn!
 * John: What the hell are you doing looking at my private shit?
 * Ted: What are you talking about “private shit”? Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
 * John: Well, I’ve been meaning to clear some of that out.
 * Ted: Jesus Christ! Look at the organization here. Clockwise rim job, counter clockwise rim job.
 * John: Yeah, well, sometimes you like seeing the tongue go the other way.
 * Ted: You sick fuck! Look at this! Chicks with dicks?!
 * John: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, alright? I need help!
 * Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
 * John: Well this is such a relief. You have to help, I’m glad I finally got caught. I wanted to be caught!
 * Ted: Johnny, you listen to me. This is a wakeup call. Alright? You gotta get back out there and meet somebody because you are spiraling out of control here.
 * John: Alright, alright. Fine, I will. Just stop looking at that shit, please!
 * Ted: Johnny, I mean it! Alright? The next chick you meet you are getting be back in the game.
 * John: Fine, I got it. Done!
 * Ted: Alright. [Ted picks up John’s laptop] Now, let’s get rid of this.
 * John: What do you mean? Just delete the files.
 * Ted: No, no, no. That shit can always be recovered. We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer. [we see John and Ted smashing the laptop]
 * John: Alright, there. Are you happy?
 * Ted: No, the circuits can still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We gotta bury it in the harbor. [we see John and Ted burying the laptop at the bottom of the harbor] [Ted and John are at Sam Jones’ house] So basically that’s it. We need a sperm donor. So what do you say? You’d really be helping me and Tami out.
 * Sam Jones: No can do, my brother.
 * Ted: Well why not?
 * Sam Jones: Oh, look, I did a lot of blow in the eighties and my…my sperm count is a little low.
 * John: Well how low?
 * Sam Jones: One.
 * John: One?
 * Sam Jones: Yeah, little fella’s having his own “I am Legend” in my nut sack.
 * Ted: Well, can we have that one?
 * Sam Jones: No! Gonna need it for protein if I ever get lost at sea. Come on guys. I mean, are we done here? I gotta go. That Sister, Sister marathon ain’t gonna watch itself. [as they leave Sam Jones’ house]
 * Ted: I can’t believe it. That son of a bitch!
 * John: That was really selfish of him.
 * Ted: I know, and after I’ve watched his piece of shit movie like a hundred times. Goddamn it! [Ted throws a stone in anger and it hits Sam Jones’ car window, smashing it]
 * John: Oh, shit! [Ted and John make a run for it]
 * Ted: Johnny, please, just help me do this, okay? He’s the only guy in the world whose sperm is even close to Flash Gordon’s.
 * John: Teddy, it’s insane. We can get in a lot of trouble.
 * Ted: Not if nobody finds out. Look, look. John, John. We sneak into his house, jerk him off in his sleep and sneak out with the sperm. It’ll be easy. And think how awesome the baby will be.
 * John: It would be a sweet ass fucking baby. Alright, I’ll help you, but we gotta have a game plan. [posing as an A/C repair man, John knocks on a door of a large house; to himself] I’m calm down. Just calm down. [Tom Brady opens the front door]
 * Tom Brady: Yeah, can I help you?
 * John: Hey. Um…you’re, uh…Tom Brady?
 * Tom Brady: Yeah.
 * John: Um…your neighbors called and your air-conditioning is making a lot of noise so I’m supposed to check out the unit.
 * Tom Brady: Oh, okay. Yeah, it’s around the back.
 * John: Okay. Um…I just, I need a signature, in case I gotta get some parts for the building. [he gives Tom Brady a pad with pen and paper to sign] If you could just write that to John and Ted with number twelve. And you’re not a cheater. I mean, I think your balls are perfect.
 * Tom Brady: It’s around the back.
 * John: Alright. Yeah. [John goes round the back and cuts the A/C] [that night Tom Brady finds his A/C isn’t working]
 * Tom Brady: Stupid fucking idiot! [he opens his bedroom window to cool off before going to bed; outside the house Ted and John watch the lights go out]
 * Ted: Okay. Go, go, go! [Ted and John climb onto Tom Brady’s bedroom balcony]
 * John: Take the damn rain gear off, you’re making too much noise.
 * Ted: Piss off! I don’t wanna get any jizz on me. [they walk over to Tom Brady, who’s asleep in his bed] Two league MVPs, four Super Bowl rings. Guaranteed first bell at hall of fame. Now let’s give him a hand job into this red solo cup.
 * John: Alright, go ahead.
 * Ted: What…what do you mean go ahead? You gotta do it.
 * John: What are you talking about? You’re the one who needs the sperm.
 * Ted: Yeah, but it’s gotta be a human hand. It’s gotta be skin on skin, otherwise it doesn’t work.
 * John: No, it doesn’t, it’s just friction
 * Ted: Look, I’ve never done this before.
 * John: Well neither have I!
 * Ted: You do it to yourself!
 * John: Yeah, but that’s different!
 * Ted: You’re an adult with a poster of this guy in your fucking room. You’re telling me you don’t want this?
 * John: Yeah, I want it. You know I want it, but I’m nervous, alright? What if he doesn’t like the way I’m doing it? He’s like the best.
 * Ted: Pull yourself together for God sakes. He’s gonna love it. Go, go, go!
 * John: Alright. [John gently lifts Tom Brady’s bed cover as he sleeps, and they see a golden light shining through from Brady’s groin area]
 * John: Sweet God and baby Jesus.
 * Ted: And that’s at rest. [suddenly Tom Brady wakes up]
 * Tom Brady: What the hell?!
 * John: Mr. Brady, we just need a moment of your time.
 * Tom Brady: What are you doing here? Who are you? Get out of my house!
 * John: Wait, Mr. Brady! [Brady pushes John off the balcony]
 * Ted: Wait, wait, wait! Mr. Brady! [Brady picks up Ted]
 * Tom Brady: Take your Goddamn teddy bear with you! [he throws Ted down at John]
 * John: Holy shit! I hurt my spinal!
 * Ted: Come on, let’s get out of here. [the quickly make a run for it] [after running from Tom Brady’s house] Fuck! What the hell do we do now?
 * John: Hey, Ted, let me ask you something.
 * Ted: What’s that?
 * John: Why didn’t you just come to me?
 * Ted: What are you talking about?
 * John: For the sperm.
 * Ted: Johnny, you kidding me? You’re the first person I wanted to go. But you…you’ve just been so bummed out over your divorce lately, that I just, you know, I didn’t want to put you in an awkward position. And plus, after seeing your laptop I didn’t think you had any left.
 * John: Just so you know, I’m totally willing to do it.
 * Ted: Really? You…you’d do that for me?
 * John: What? Ted, you’re my best friend. I’d do anything for you. And besides, we just broke into Tom Brady’s house and tried to jerk him off. You’re ready to be a parent.
 * Ted: God, I do not know what to say. Johnny, thank you. Thank you so much!
 * John: Hey, thunder buddies for life, remember?
 * Ted: Thunder buddies for life.
 * John: Now, come on. We gotta get out of here before the cops show up.
 * Police Car Radio: [over a cop’s car radio] All units, we have a 3-17 on Maple Drive. Area units please respond.
 * Boston PD Cop #2: What’s a 3-17?
 * Boston PD Cop #1: Someone’s trying to steal Tom Brady’s jizz again. [Ted and John are sat waiting in a fertility clinic, Ted notices John subtly touching his groin]