The Maternal Congruence


 * [Sheldon, Leonard and Penny have just finished watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas.]
 * Sheldon: I found the Grinch to be a relatable and engaging character, and I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzzkill that was.
 * Leonard: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
 * Sheldon: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera and a stolen hat—a crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.
 * Leonard: [singing "Deck the Halls"] Fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la!


 * [Penny has just learned that Leonard's mother Beverly is coming for another visit.]
 * Penny: What? Your mother’s coming? When?
 * Leonard: Tomorrow.
 * Penny: When were you going to tell me?
 * Leonard: Um, tomorrow?
 * Penny: Why were you keeping this a secret?
 * Leonard: Well, I just, I thought...
 * Sheldon: If I can interject here, obviously Leonard is concerned that his mother won’t approve of you as his mate.
 * Penny: Why wouldn't she approve of me? I’m adorable.
 * Leonard: You are, it’s just...
 * Sheldon: If I can interject again. Leonard comes from a remarkably high-achieving family, who have all chosen high-achieving partners. He probably feels that it’s doubtful that his mother will be overly impressed with his dating a woman whose most significant achievement is memorizing the Cheesecake Factory menu.
 * Penny: Hey, it’s a big menu. There’s two pages just for desserts.
 * Leonard: I know. And those specials, they change every day.
 * Penny: Okay, you know what? It’s lame when I say it, it’s just ridiculous when you pile on.
 * Leonard: Okay, sorry.
 * Penny: So what did she say when you told her we were going out?
 * Leonard: Um...
 * Penny: You didn't tell her we were going out, did you?
 * Leonard: Um...
 * Penny: Why not?
 * Leonard: Um...
 * Sheldon: Leonard, I’m no expert on meditation, but if you’re trying to calm yourself down, I believe the word is "Om".


 * [Leonard and Sheldon pick up Beverly at the airport. They do some catching up, and among the news items is that Leonard's brother has gotten engaged.]
 * Beverly: She’s a remarkable girl. The youngest appeals court judge in New Jersey and a two-time Olympic bronze medalist.
 * Leonard: You must be very happy.
 * Beverly: Why? I’m not marrying her. So, how about you? Are you seeing anyone interesting?
 * Sheldon: Well, I’m not sure about interesting, but...
 * Leonard: Not the time, Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: Very well. Shall we switch topics to Isaac Newton v. Gottfried Leibniz?
 * Beverly: It’s all right, Sheldon. I will just pretend that Leonard’s not withholding information. Although, I will point out, Leonard, that I am a trained psychiatrist and you are exhibiting the same secretive behavioral tics that accompanied your learning to masturbate.


 * [Back at the apartment, Beverly visits with the rest of the gang over dinner.]
 * Beverly: So, Howard, have you and Rajesh finally summoned the courage to express your latent homosexual feelings toward one another?
 * Howard: What? No!
 * Beverly: Why not?
 * Howard: Because we don’t have latent homosexual feelings toward one another.
 * Beverly: I see.
 * Howard: No, really. I have a girlfriend now.
 * Beverly: And where is she this evening?
 * Howard: She had to go out of town. Her grandmother died.
 * Beverly: I see. Her grandmother died.
 * Howard: Honest to God. Leonard, tell her I have a girlfriend.
 * Leonard: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
 * Howard: What do you mean you don’t know what I’m talking about? Tell her I have a girlfriend!
 * Leonard: All right. [turns to Beverly] He [making finger quotes] "has" a "girlfriend".
 * Howard: Her name is Bernadette. She’s working as a waitress, but she’s going to school to be a microbiologist.
 * Beverly: Howard, keep in mind that the more passionately you stick to this construct, the more you’re hurting your partner.


 * [Penny arrives, albeit a little late.]
 * Leonard: Mom, you remember Penny.
 * Beverly: Oh, yes, the waitress-slash-actress with the unresolved father issues. Has he finally come to terms with his little slugger growing breasts?
 * Penny: Well, he sent me a football and a catcher’s mitt for Christmas, so I’m going to say no.
 * Howard: If it helps, we’re all good with your breasts.
 * Beverly: Classic overcompensation.


 * [The conversation continues. Leonard gets upset about family news that comes out in passing: his parents' upcoming divorce and his dog having died. As a result, Beverly asks Penny to drive her to her hotel. As they drive, Beverly spots and comments on Penny's constantly-on "Check Engine" light. Penny changes the subject.]
 * Penny: So, uh, you must be devastated about your divorce.
 * Beverly: Oh, not at all. But I am a bit distressed to be in a vehicle that’s not subjected to regular maintenance.
 * Penny: Come on, I mean, you’re not upset that your marriage is over?
 * Beverly: Well, initially I felt something akin to grief and perhaps anger, but that’s the natural reaction of the limbic system to being betrayed by a loathsome son of a bitch.
 * Penny: Sure, sure.
 * Beverly: Thankfully, my shock was somewhat mitigated by the fact that I haven’t had intercourse with him in eight years.
 * Penny: [incredulous] Eight years?
 * Beverly: Oh, that’s nothing. I’ve been responsible for my own orgasms since 1982.
 * Penny: Yikes. [Beverly chuckles] What’s so funny?
 * Beverly: That’s exactly what I say during orgasms. Yikes.
 * Penny: You know what? I could use a drink. Do you want to stop for a drink?
 * Beverly: Oh, I don’t drink.
 * Penny: I do. I’ll teach you.


 * [Beverly and Penny are at the bar at The Cheesecake Factory doing tequila shots. As promised, Penny teaches Beverly how to drink.]
 * Penny: Okay, now this time try drinking it all at once.
 * Beverly: [slams the shot] Yikes.
 * Penny: I've been responsible for my own buzz since 2003. [to bartender] Another round for me and my home girl.
 * Beverly: I feel a spreading warmth through my extremities.
 * Penny: As long as you don’t feel it running down your pants, you’re fine.
 * Beverly: [slams another shot] Oh, that is fascinating. I’m noticing an immediate lowering of my inhibitions. For example, I’m seriously considering asking that busboy to ravish me in the alleyway while I eat cheesecake. What do you think?
 * Penny: Well, we are known for our cheesecake. [to bartender] Hit us again!
 * Beverly: Yes! If a little is good, more must be better!
 * Penny: Hey Bevs, guess what?
 * Beverly: What?
 * Penny: I’m sleeping with your son.
 * Beverly: Really! Which one?
 * Penny: [drunkenly stumbling over her words] The one from whom I live across the hall from.
 * Beverly: Well, that’s convenient. How did his penis turn out?
 * Penny: Oh, Beverly, I can’t talk to my boyfriend’s mother about his penis.
 * Beverly: Oh, fair enough. [unclips her hair and lets it fall free] What can you tell me, if anything, about that busboy’s penis?
 * Penny: Actually, I've only had the cheesecake. [to bartender] One more time! [back to Beverly] You know, Leonard did not want to tell you we were dating.
 * Beverly: Really? Well, that means he’s either embarrassed about the relationship or he doesn't care enough about his mother to tell her he’s in one. Either way, one of us should be insulted!
 * Penny: Well, let’s go find out who.


 * [Penny and Beverly return to the apartment.]
 * Penny: Leonard!
 * Beverly: Sonny-boy!
 * Penny: Get out here! Your mommy wants to talk to you!
 * [Leonard emerges from the hallway.]
 * Leonard: What the hell is going on?
 * Penny: [in a sing-song fashion] You're in trouble!
 * Beverly: Why didn’t you tell me you were tapping my home girl? [to Penny] Did I say that right?
 * Penny: Yeah, not bad, not bad.
 * Leonard: Are you guys drunk?
 * Beverly: Well, I hope so. Otherwise, why would we have stopped at Del Taco? Now, how could you not tell me you were in a relationship with this lovely, charming young woman? [puts an arm around Penny]
 * Penny: Oh, thank you.
 * Beverly: [to Penny] You’re welcome. [back to Leonard] Is it because she’s uneducated? Trapped in a menial service position?
 * Penny: [deflated] What the hell happened to lovely and charming?
 * Leonard: How come you didn't tell me that you and Father were getting a divorce? How come you didn't tell me you had surgery? How come you didn't tell me my dog died?
 * Beverly: [shushes him] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What I hear you saying is that you want a more intimate mother-son relationship.
 * Leonard: I do.
 * [Beverly goes to Leonard and, obviously uncomfortable, gives him a stiff and awkward hug.]
 * Beverly: There. It’s late. Now, go to bed.
 * [Leonard goes back down the hallway toward the bedrooms.]
 * Beverly: I’m getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.
 * Penny: That’s the Del Taco.
 * [Sheldon comes into the living room.]
 * Sheldon: Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door?
 * Beverly: Speaking of warm feelings, come here. [She grabs Sheldon and kisses him, then spends a few seconds in deep thought.] No, I’d rather have the busboy.


 * [The next morning, Leonard, Sheldon and Penny take Beverly to the airport. Beverly is wearing dark glasses; she and Penny are obviously hung over.]
 * Beverly: Sheldon, I do hope you’ll forgive me for my inappropriate behavior last night.
 * Sheldon: I don’t blame you. You were intoxicated.
 * Beverly: Thank you.
 * Sheldon: I blame Penny.
 * Penny: I blame Penny, too. Bad Penny.
 * Leonard: Wait a minute. What are you talking about? What inappropriate behavior?
 * Beverly: I think it’s best that you not know.
 * Sheldon: Agreed.
 * Penny: Agreed.
 * Leonard: What the hell. Agreed.
 * Beverly: And I want you to take very good care of this young woman.
 * Penny: Oh, thank you, Beverly.
 * Beverly: You’re welcome. She doesn't have much in the way of career prospects. Don’t make her responsible for her own orgasms as well.
 * Leonard: Mother, remember when I was complaining that you don’t communicate with me enough?
 * Beverly: Yes, dear.
 * Leonard: I’m over it.
 * Penny: [singing the last line of "Deck the Halls"] Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la-la.