Sailor Mouth

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Sailor Mouth" from season 2, which aired on September 21, 2001.

Plot
The title card has men singing an old-fashioned sailor song, then we cut to the Krusty Krab at night...)

Mr. Krabs: Well, it's the worst time of the day once again. (cringes as he changes the "Open" sign to "Closed") Closing time!

SpongeBob: Well, see you in the A.M., Mr Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Wait a second, SpongeBob! (pulls SpongeBob back) Take that pile of filth out with you. (Squidward holds up a trash bag)

SpongeBob: (gasps) Mr. Krabs, you shouldn't talk about Squidward like that!

Squidward: He means this filth, you loon.

(SpongeBob goes to the dumpster while bring the trash bag.)

SpongeBob: Takin' out the trash, takin' out the trash.

(SpongeBob throw the trash and then looked at some writings on the dumpster.)

SpongeBob: Hmm...dumpster writing! The voice of the people! "Up with bubbles, down with air!" (laughs) "Nematodes are people too!" (laughs) Nematodes... Here's one someone didn't finish! Squidward smells. (writes the word "Good" after "smells") Gooooood. (laughs) Hmm, what's this one? Krabs is a... hmm? Krabs is a ******.

Garbage Man: (clearly disgusted) Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?!

SpongeBob: Well, sometimes, but not...recently.

Patrick: (off-screen) Hi, garbage man. (on-screen) Hi, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick! Patrick, do you know what this word means?

Patrick: Krabs... Uh, isn't that the red sweaty guy you work for?

SpongeBob: No, not that word, THAT word.

Patrick: Hmm... ******! Uh, hey! I think I know what that means. That's one of those sentence enhancers.

SpongeBob: Sentence enhancers?

Patrick: You use them when you want to talk fancy. You just sprinkle it on anything you say, and Wham-O! You've got yourself a spicy sentence sandwich!

SpongeBob: Oh, I get it! Here, let me try. (coughs) Hello, Patrick. Lovely ******* day it is, isn't it?

Patrick: Why yes it is, SpongeBob. This ******* day is particularly ******* lovely!

SpongeBob: How ******* right you are, Patrick!

(The two say the word a few times.)

SpongeBob: You're right, Patrick, my lips are tingling from the spiciness of this conversation.

Patrick: Oh, me too!

(both laugh)

SpongeBob: It tingles when I laugh!

(SpongeBob walks into the Krusty Krab the next day.)

SpongeBob: Hello, customers, nice ******* day we're having, uh? [The customers stop eating and stare in shock]

Sailor Fish: (gasps) Did he just say?

Pirate Fish: Aye, he did.

SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick, how the **** are you?

Patrick: (sitting at table at the Krusty Krab) Pretty ******* good, SpongeBob.

Old Man Jenkins: I thought this was a restaurant, not a gutter mouth convention.

SpongeBob: (taps on the microphone and speaks into it) Attention, customers, today's special is a ******* Krabby Patty served with in a greasy ******* sauce and grilled to ******* perfection. And don't forget to ask us to **** the ******* fries. It'll be our ******* pleasure. [Squidward hears the intercom and a giant human ear pops out of his head; he pushes it back in] Hi Squidward, how the **** are ya?

Patrick: Nice ******* day we're having, isn't it Squidward?

Tom: I don't understand. The guy's talented, but he doesn't have to work blue.

Evelyn: Let's go somewhere more family oriented. (Everyone leaves the Krusty Krab, grumbling in frustration)

Fish: I'm eating at the Chum Bucket!

(The krusty Krab customer meter is running down. Sirens wail.)

Mr. Krabs: [Sitting on the toilet] Huh? [pulls down a telescope and views the restaurant] AH! The Krusty Krab! She's empty! All hands on deck! Batten the front doors! Brace the cash register! Break out the happy snacks! Squidward, where have all my money paying customers gone?

Squidward: Apparently the two barnacle-mouth brothers just learned a new word, and SpongeBob just said it over the intercom.

Mr. Krabs: Well, what was it? What'd he say?

Squidward: Er...he said...um, he said...

(Squidward whispers)

Mr. Krabs: Huh? (Squidward whispers it again. Mr. Krabs gasps) SpongeBob and friend! Front and center! Why I oughta make the two of you paint the Krusty Krab for using such language!!!

SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, we were only using our sentence enhancers.

Patrick: Yeah, it's fancy talk.

Mr. Krabs: There ain't nothing fancy about that word!

SpongeBob: You mean ****?

Mr. Krabs: Yes, that one. Now quit saying it! It's a bad word.

SpongeBob and Patrick: Bad word? (both start wiping their tongues)

Mr. Krabs: Yes sirree, that's bad word number eleven. In fact, there are thirteen bad words you should never use.

Squidward: Don't you mean there are only 7?

Mr. Krabs: Not if you're a sailor! (does his trademark laugh)

SpongeBob: Wow, thirteen!

Patrick: That's a lot of ******* bad words!

Mr. Krabs: OK, boys. I want you to promise me you'll never use that word again.

SpongeBob and Patrick: We promise.

(later at SpongeBob's house, SpongeBob and Patrick are playing Eels and Escalators)

SpongeBob: Gee, I'm sad Mr. Krabs told us that word we were using was a word!

Patrick: Yeah, me too, because classy sophisticates like us shouldn't stain our lips with cursing.

SpongeBob: Yea, verily! Now, let's play a nice, wholesome game of Eels and Escalators.

Patrick: Hooray, my favorite! [Flops arms up and down like a seal]

SpongeBob: Come on, Gary needs a new pair of shoes! (rolls the dice)

Patrick: Oh, eels. Too bad, SpongeBob, you gotta ride the eel.

SpongeBob: Darn. (moves game piece to eel)

Patrick: My turn! (rolls dice) Hooray! escalators! Yay! (screams) Up,up,up!

SpongeBob: Come on, escalators, escalators! (rolls dice) Uh, eels again.

Patrick: My turn! (rolls dice) Escalators!

SpongeBob: Escalators, Escalators, Escalators! (throws dice) Eels?

Patrick: (rolls dice) Es-skee-lators!! (moves to escalators) Well, this is your last chance, SpongeBob, oh if you get eels again, you lose!

SpongeBob: (gets frustrated while rolling the dice) Escalators, Escalators, Escalators!!! (dice is thrown and lands on escalators) Ha! Escalators! (dice turn over to eels)

Patrick: Eels...

SpongeBob: Ahh, ****! (covers mouth when he realizes his mistake)

Patrick: Ooooh! You said Number 11!

SpongeBob: (babbles for Patrick to understand about his mistake)

Patrick: Don't worry SpongeBob, I completely understand. (pause) Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! (starts running to the Krusty Krab)

SpongeBob: (starts running after him) No wait, Patrick! (after SpongeBob catches up to Patrick) Please Pat, no, please don't tell!

Patrick: But you said ****! (Covers mouth as he realizes his mistake)

SpongeBob: Ah-ha, Now, I'm telling Mr. Krabs on you!

Patrick: Not if I tell first!

SpongeBob: I can run faster than you! (laughs)

Patrick: (riding in an ice cream truck) See ya at the Krusty Krab! Ha, ha, ha! (the truck goes the wrong way) Oh nooooo!!!

SpongeBob: (laughs)

Mr. Krabs: Huh?

SpongeBob: Patrick, Patrick, Patrick!!

Mr. Krabs: Yes, yes, yes?

SpongeBob: He said, he said, he said!

Mr. Krabs: Out with it, boy!

SpongeBob: (talking fast) Me and Patrick were playing Eels and Escalators, and Patrick was going up-up-up, and I had to ride the eel and then we ran and Patrick, he said some THINGS.

Mr.Krabs: (eyes Spongebob) What kind of things?

SpongeBob: Well, he said...

Mr. Krabs: Yes?!

SpongeBob: Well, let's just say he said a certain word that you said we shouldn't say, and this particular word happens to be number 11 in a list of words you said shouldn't be said.

Mr. Krabs: Uh... right, uh, you said what...? Who now?

Patrick: (eats an ice cream but throws away the cone) Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr.Krabs!! (Mr. Krabs sighs)

(both babble on about the word, but Mr. Krabs grabs their lips)

Mr. Krabs: Now I'm gonna let go of your lips, and when I do, I want you boys to calmly tell me what you need to tell me, understand?

Both: Mmm-hmm... (Mr. Krabs lets go of their lips) He said ****!

Mr. Krabs: (gasps) Do my ears deceive me? You two should be ashamed! Time to take out the trash. You two need to be taught a lesson. I thought I made it clear. Never, and I mean, never use number 11 or any of the 13 bad words! Now the both of you wait right here. I'll be back.

Patrick: What's going to happen to us?

SpongeBob: We'll probably get 40 lashes!

Patrick: Oh, no! (imagines himself with 40 large, weird eyelashes)

SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Patrick. Mr. Krabs was right. There's no need for words like that.

Patrick: I'm sorry too, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Let's make a vow, Patrick. From this day forth the foul word shall never pass our lips! We will be good citizens,just like good ol' Mr.Krabs.

Patrick: (shakes hands with SpongeBob) Agreed!

Mr. Krabs: All right, you two foul mouths. As punishment for poisoning the air in my restaurant with your foul words, you're going to give the Krusty Krab a fresh coat of paint from pussy to titties. (trips on rock then hops on one leg) Oh my ******* foot! What ****** genius puts a ******* rock on a ******* path? Can't you see I got a ******* on here? (continues saying a bunch of swear words as he and Pat count them!)

SpongeBob: That's all 13, Patrick! (cut to SpongeBob with 13 fingers) (gasps) We're gonna tell your mom, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: No, please, not my mommy! (Spongebob and Patrick run to Ms. Krabs house, Mr. Krabs runs after them) Wait, please don't tell me mother! I don't think her little old heart can take it!

(They go to the house.)

SpongeBob and Patrick: Mama Krabs, Mama Krabs!

Mama Krabs: Well, hello there!

(SpongeBob, Patrick and Mr. Krabs all attempt to explain the situation, swearing numerous times as they do so!)

Mama Krabs: Oh, dear! My poor old heart. (faints)

Mr. Krabs: (gasps) Oh, dear mother! What have these foul-mouthed heathens done to you? (takes a coin out of her pocket) You two should be ashamed! Making an old lady faint with your sailor talk!

Mama Krabs: (wakes up) You should all be ashamed! If you're gonna talk like sailors, then you're gonna work like sailors!

(Then the three are painting her house, Patrick is painting the sand.)

Mama Krabs: I guess you three scallywags have earned yourselves a glass of lemonade! (laughs like Popeye, trips on a rock) YEOW! My (classic horn honks) foot!

(SpongeBob & Patrick gasp.)

Mr. Krabs: Mother!

Mama Krabs: What? It's Old Man Jenkins in his jalopy!

Old Man Jenkins: Howdy, Mrs. K! (honks the horn)

SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs and Mama Krabs: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!