8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

Thanks for baby-sitting, Meg. We'll be back in a couple of hours. I don't understand why I have to baby-sit Stewie. I mean, what's he really gonna do if we leave him by himself? And now to test my teleportation pods. Oh, damn! I'm a monster! It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do all the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy So, this is awkward, but have we ever actually, you know, met? I mean, you know, I don't even know, say, for example, if you have a room up there. You know, a room? I have a room. You know, Meg, if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, you know, that's something to think about. Just burped. Hi, Meg. You busy Saturday night? NeiI, you ask me out, like, once a day, and I always give you the same answer. No! God, I don't think I could have been any clearer the last time I turned him down. Ray, your mother insulted my steak pizzola again. NeiI Goldman of Quahog, Rhode Island leave me alone! I hate you! I hate you! - Anyway, your mother insulted- - I don't care anymore, Patty. After nine seasons, I just don't care. Maybe you could try not being a bitch. Hey, Mort. Lois and I are out on our date night. Why don't you give me some condoms? And some Excedrin. My wife's got a headache this big. You know, it's like from the commerciaI. This big. Only it's my junk. all right, then. $12. 43. Jeez, that's more of a rip-off than that breakfast machine I bought. Ow! Ow! What was the point of all that? all it does is shoot you. It doesn't make breakfast at all. Besides, I forgot my wallet. Well, that's okay. I'll just open up a tab. Wait a minute, what the hell's a tab? Does that mean I don't gotta pay? - Well, not right now, but- - Ah, sweet! Hey, while I'm at it, give me all these copies of Marie Claire. You know, in case I want to rub out that easy one before I get Lois into bed tonight. Kathleen Turner's on Page 45. Kathleen Turner, huh? Let's see how she looks. Oh, that's a shame. And now back to The Kids' Choice Awards with host Paula Poundstone. I choose you and you and you. So, come on. I said, let's go! Meg! Meg, I'm hungry! There's a granola bar in the cupboard. I want it. Hey. Hey. What's this? What's going on? Am I talking to myself up there? Oh, my God. Stewie, just shut up and go to bed! Do you know what I do, Meg? I spit in your mouth while you sleep. Finally. Look, Mom, I've had it. I am not baby-sitting anymore. It's Saturday night, I could be out having a life. Meg, if you don't want to baby-sit anymore, that's fine. But don't you stand there and lie to me. Meg, she torched your ass, man. She torched your ass. Why can't you just hire a reaI baby-sitter? Well, I guess we could do that. Damn! I'm terrible at meeting new people. Like the time I was on Blind Date. - I'm having a great time, Stewie. - Me, too. So, you ready to go grab some 'za? Yeah. So, a wild guess here but from the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Itallan? all right, you guys, I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now, whoever goes the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. Okay, here we go. - How's everybody doing? - Good. Good so far. all right, all right. - Nothing yet. - CooI, cooI. You know, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie already but that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois- One down. I know somebody who won't be having any- I'm starting to feeI funny. Well, I feeI fine. I guess I'm- Oh, boy! That means I win. I get to eat- Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me Oh, my God! My insides are on- No. No, please. No more, no more. No- Dad, I'm scared. Get the phone. Call 911- Lois! Lois! Lois, get in here Okay, okay. I think it's all gone. I think- I don't wanna, I don't wanna Peter. Peter, I need you to hold my ears Who wants chowder? What the hell? Hey, Meg, you better check this out. Oh, God, this is so embarrassing. I can't believe this is happening to me. Looks like someone could use a greeting card to cheer them up. I put these on my tab. Here, take a Far Side one. The vulture thinks he's a cowboy. It's kind of funny. Hey, Peter, you got a card for if you transferred VD to somebody? Let's see here. Yup. "Sorry I accidentally gave you VD. " That's all you got is accidentaI, huh? all right, I'll take it. Well, first let me thank you for answering the ad. Now, what do you feeI quallfies you to be an effective baby-sitter for Stewie? Yeah. We couldn't run an ad that said "no Portuguese," but no Portuguese. So, I see here you worked for a family for a number of years. Can I call the Herculoids for a reference? I'm sorry, I don't understand. The position has been filled. The position has been filled. Thank you very much. You can go now. Leave! Now! I didn't think it was gonna be this hard to choose a baby-sitter. Yes, if only you were this discerning when you picked that happening Bruce Jenner hairdo. Sorry I'm late. Can I still apply for the job? My God, I haven't been this exhilarated since Brian took me to see Les Miserables. Attention, ladies and gentlemen. There will be a slight change in the cast tonight. Oh, no. For this evening's performance the role of Jean Valjean will be played by Kirk Cameron. Oh! Oh! Unbelievable! Oh, my God! How lucky are we, huh? "Hey, Stewie, what are you doing tonight?" "Oh, nothing. Just watching Kirk Cameron play Jean Valjean. " Oh, my God! Curtain up. Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors? Peter, are you eating those? No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them. Give me a carton. Peter, it's the end of the month, and I'm calling your tab. - You owe me $34,000. - What? Oh, man, how am I gonna come up with that kind of money? Peter, I'm waiting. all right, all right. Listen, I got another idea. What if I sold you my daughter? You drop the tab, and your son can have Meg. What? Yep, all you gotta do is sign this contract. Are you out of your mind? You can't sell me, you fat son of a bitch! Whoa! CarefuI getting this fish off the hook, Mort. She's got some fangs. What do you think of that, NeiI? Daddy bought you a girlfriend. Excuse me. If anybody is interested, I already have a girlfriend. There's no way Wait, what? You ready to go, honey? You rejected me too many times, Meg. I couldn't wait for you forever. Besides, Cecilia thinks my psoriasis is sexy. I can't believe he's over me. I can't believe I'm out $34,000. I can't believe it's not butter. Stick around. More Family Guy coming up. Peter, how could you have tried to sell our daughter? all right, Lois, I don't want this to ruin our date night, so I'll make it up to you. Oh, Peter. "I'm sorry I tried to sell our daughter. " Yeah, you don't know how hard it was to find one of those in English. Tonight the baby-sitter comes, Rupert. Lovely LaDawn. Hey, LaDawn. Hey, what's going on? How are you? Yeah. Just me, Stewie. Just being myself. Yeah. Well, this here? It's just my package. Just my package. God delivered it, I signed for it. World keeps on spinning. Yeah. Oh, no! Jenga, there it is. Well, I guess that's why they call it Jenga. Stewie, you're so cute, I can't even stand it. Thank you. I'm having a good time, too. I hope I don't make any sociaI faux pas like I did at Pamela and Tommy Lee's dinner party. Hi, sorry I'm late. I was visiting my aunt in the hospitaI. She has hepatitis. Sorry. NeiI is such an amazing guy. We just make an absolutely perfect couple. You know, NeiI liked me first. And I was gonna go out with him when I was ready to settle for him. Get your own spaz. all right, ladies, enough chitchat. Take it off, get in the shower and bounce around for me. Sweetie, your daddy and I are going to the movies tonight. How would you like LaDawn to baby-sit? Yes! I'm going to wow her tonight, Rupert. I'm gonna be cooler than Brian when he hangs out at the bowling alley. That's what I love about high-schooI girls. I keep getting older, they stay the same age. Yes, they do. Yes, they do. Please go out with me. I'm just trying to make NeiI jealous. I promise, I'll pay and everything. Yeah. That sounds cooI, but I'm gonna be in the hospitaI that night. - Hi, gorgeous man. - Oh, you. Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver? Stewie, this is Jeremy. Hey, little man. So you're the guy who's been trying to steaI my girlfriend. What You Girlfriend? What kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at? Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed. I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your Hacky Sack tourney! I'm not gonna lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his SkoaI Bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitched crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love Mr. Plow. You've got the song memorized, do you? So does everyone else! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1:00 in the morning. The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder. Good night, Stewie. If he wants to throw hands, I'll throw hands. I tell you Hey! NeiI and Cecilia. I didn't expect to see you here. Meet Jake, my boyfriend. I want some BB's. My dad lets me shoot at cats. Hi, Meg. NeiI and I are celebrating our two-week anniversary. It seems like only yesterday he was just a stranger videotaping me through the window. Big deaI. He did that to me three years ago. And he gave me the tapes for Christmas. He gave me DVDs. The production values were amazing, much better than Kramer vs. Predator. You want him back? You can't just disappear for three months and then suddenly decide you want him back! You can't have him! Well, I'm glad NeiI's over me, anyway. I'm with Jake now. Right, Jake? Maybe someday we'll get married and you can go up on me. - NeiI, I wanna be your girlfriend. - What? I was wrong to drive you away. We belong together. Of course, I'm understandably skepticaI of your newfound affection for me. You still got that contract our dads drew up? Give me that. - You wanna hook up? - Buy me something. I can't believe we're going out. This is so cooI. NeiI. NeiI, not so fast. Meg, you need to fulfill your contractuaI obligations. What are you talking about? all right, Meg, according to the contract every night, you have to put on my pajamas. My mom's record is 12 seconds. - NeiI, I think you're old enough to- - Go! - Would you stop kicking? Just hold still. - That's tickling. It tickles. - My thumb. - Hold still. Quit it LaDawn, I thought we could watch a DVD together. I picked up the first season of Jiminy Glick. Imagine being that guy for a day. Colin Farrell, so I was talking to my wife, Dixie, the other day and she was saying that you weren't a very good actor. And I agreed with her. Now, why, Colin, why would we both say that? all right, that's it. Jeremy must be destroyed. Mom? Dad? Mom? Is anyone there? Little man? You in here? I say, I think this is how you change a tire. But what do I know? I'm just a baby! Here's your iPod, so you can listen to The Streaks while you gasp for air. The Strokes. Right. Boy, this was a better acquisition than I thought. We may even be able to put in some sorghum this year. So, anyway Hey, I made you a mix tape. I don't have a duaI cassette player so, you know, I had to hold the tape recorder up to the radio so the quallty is kind of sucky but, you know, all the songs describe my feelings. I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me. He what? That blaggard! Come here, let me just hold you for a while. Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. But But I You No more TV. Well, how about no more job? You hear that, Miss Fussy Britches? I shall see you fired, damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun. - We do everything together, ja? - Ja. You got your poison? Okay. One, two, three. - You didn't do it. - You didn't do it, either. Okay, okay. This time we really have to do it. - Okay, all right. You ready? Okay, okay. - Okay. - One, two. - One, two. You want me to kill myself and you're not going to. - You suck. You suck. - You suck. Hey, Stewie, there's something thunking around in the trunk of my car and I can't get in there 'cause somebody busted the lock. You have any idea what that's about? That. It's this whole It's this whole crazy thing. Hey, this is not a barn, young lady. I'm just so exhausted. You know, I thought I'd be happy being with NeiI, but I'm not. This is horrible. Sweetheart, we'll figure some way to get you out of this. Brian, did you find any loophole in the contract? Nope, it's airtight. The only way out is if NeiI commits an infidelity. Well, that's it then. We got to find somebody to seduce NeiI. - Who, me? - Well, if not you, Lois, then who? Beverly D'Angelo? 'Cause I don't think she'd do it. And I don't even know how to get ahold of her. Hello, LaDawn. Listen, I certainly hope you'll excuse last night's indiscretion. It was just Oh, my God, LaDawn! What's that on your neck? Lois! Thank God you're here, Lois. It was all her friends. They were doing marijuana and heroin. And they were taking eczema and touching each other. - LaDawn, wake up this instant. - What? - I don't- - You know what? Don't bother, LaDawn. You are fired. Well, I really don't know how this happened but I guess this is the last time I get to see you. I'm gonna miss you, little guy. This is for you. She made me a mix tape. Oh, dear God, what have I done? I've made a terrible mistake. LaDawn! LaDawn! LaDawn! all right, you all set, honey? I can't believe I'm doing this. It's so disgusting. But it's for my little girI. Dad, how do you know NeiI will show up? Don't worry, Meg. I sent him an invitation he couldn't refuse. Strange. These conventions usually have Segway parking. Hello? Am I too late for the Q&A? Yeah, but you're just in time for the T&A. Mrs. Griffin, what are you- You can call me Mystique. Mrs. Griffin, this is wrong. Well, well, well, look at this, Meg. Your boyfriend is violating both your contract and my wife. Meg, I wasn't doing anything. Mrs. Griffin was just You're bending it. I don't care. You've nullified the contract. I'm free! Free? I don't understand, Meg. You don't want to be my girlfriend? Well, I thought I did. But I guess I was just jealous. I see. Well, Meg, I want you to be with me because you want to be with me not because you have to. Thank you, NeiI. Cecilia, it's The Goldman. How about we fire up the old Segway and find a nice quiet field to do long division in? I mean, a nice quiet field in which to do long division. Sorry. Sorry, everybody. Okay, I'm on my way. He's going back to Cecilia? I can't believe I'm actually jealous. I can't believe I actually touched him. I still can't believe it's not butter. Next week I run for mayor of Quahog. Do I have what it takes? We'll find out. Don't miss it. Well, here we are again. Another Saturday night with basic cable. Yep. I suppose neither of us is really cut out for love, and we Oh, my God! Jeremy's still in the trunk! Oh, God, how long has it been? Let's see. Two weeks. Yep. Yeah, he's dead. Definitely dead.