Do the Rat Thing

''Setting: palace garden. A rat scurries from tree to tree and leaps into a hall in the wall.''

Prince Wazoo: Oh, say you’ll marry me, my princess.

Jasmine: Look. I’ve already told you! I’m engaged to Aladdin!

Prince Wazoo: *scoffs* Aladdin? Please! That street rat does not deserve a princess!

Jasmine: Sorry! Not interested! (Turns her back)

Prince Wazoo: (Nuzzles Jasmine’s hair) Ahh, your hair. It’s so soft. Soft like a - (The rat from before falls from his hole to in front of the prince) - rat!

Jasmine: Soft like a rat? (Turns to see the rat attacking the prince in panic and gasps)

Prince Wazoo: No. Unhand my nose, foul creature! (Retrieves dagger from his side) Nobody attacks Prince Wazoo!

Aladdin: Hold it, Prince! (Grabs Wazoo’s wrist and gently scoops the rat up into a pot.) In ya go, fella! Sometimes it’s safer outside the palace wall. (lets the rat go safely)

Prince Wazoo: Rats. Uh! Disgusting things! Ohh! I must bathe now. There’s nothing I hate more than rats!

(Prince Wazoo exits as Genie comes out of the lamp behind Aladdin, and Abu scurries onto Aladdin’s shoulder and gives the Prince tongue raspberries behind his back.)

Genie: Abu! Show a little respect! Prince Wazoo can’t help it that he’s snooty and cowardly and OBNOXIOUS AND CRUEL AND… Ahh go ahead and razz him.

(Abu once more gives raspberries, although the Prince is out of sight.)

Jasmine: Why did you let that filthy thing go?

Aladdin: That rat isn’t so different from me and Abu! (Abu protests.) Okay! Okay. He’s not so different from me then. (Abu is satisfied.)

Jasmine: What do you have in common with a rat?

Aladdin: Aah, just forget it. You’re a princess! How could you possibly understand what it’s like to be a street rat?

Jasmine: You think I don’t know anything, huh? Well, I know plenty about the real world, don’t I, Genie?

Genie: (Poofs into trench coat) Sure! You know all about the dark, sleazy underbelly of this seamy city of sin.

(Jasmine gives a frustrated noise.)

Genie: (Laughs, then stops and changes back to normal) Oh. You’re serious. (Jasmine glares at him.) Whoa! If looks could kill!

(Jasmine walks off angrily. Genie salutes and plays dead.)

SCENE CHANGE --- ''The streets of Agrabah. ''

(A vendor shines his plates. A thief steals a golden cup on his stand, another thief steals it from him, and so on until the vendor snatches it nonchalantly, without looking up from his plate, from the last thief and puts it back. A hooded observer removers her hood, revealing it to be Jasmine. Iago is in her hood.)

Iago: Okay. You’ve seen the thieves’ quarter. Now can we go back to the palace?

Jasmine: No. Do you know what Aladdin called me? Princess!

Iago: Offend not my delicate ears with such language!

Jasmine: Look. I have to do this. Aladdin and I will be married some day! I have to understand this part of his life! I’m spending the entire day as a street rat if it kills me!

Iago: Which it just might-Oh!

(A thief grabs Iago violently)

Thief: An ugly specimen, but he may be worth a shekel or two.

Jasmine: (Snatches Iago back.) He isn’t worth anything! He’s mine!

Iago: Ah! Would you care to rephrase that?

Thief: Wait. I have seen you before. You are no thief!

Jasmine: (Stutters:) Of course I’m a thief!

Thief: You are a beggar! We don’t like beggars in the thieves’ quarter.

Jasmine: No! I’m a thief, really!

Thief: Oh yeah! Prove it!

Jasmine: You think I can’t?

Thief: You’d better! Or else. (Looms.)

Jasmine: Just watch. (Walks away.)

Iago: This is where we make a break for the palace, right?

Jasmine: No. I look like a street rat; it’s time I act like one.

Thief: (Sneaks up on Jasmine and grabs her shoulder. She gasps.) I’ll be waiting. Beggar! (Laughs)

(Jasmine defiantly walks on.)

Iago: Look. This is crazy. You know that? You don’t know the first thing about stealing. Now. Let me fill you in on some of the finer points.

Jasmine: What finer points? I’ll just take this. (Grabs a mirror from an unsupervised vendor stand.)

Iago: (Annoyed at how easy it was) But - You can’t just - Hey, you know there’s an art to this!

Jasmine: (secretively) I’ll come back later and pay for it.

Iago: (aside) Talk about unclear on the concept.

Fasir: (appears from nowhere and grabs Jasmine’s arm. She gasps.) A word of warning to the young and inexperienced. Those who do wrong may find themselves punished by mysterious forces.

(Jasmine escapes his grasp and retreats. She hears a noise and looks back. Fasir had disappeared!)

Jasmine: Look!

(She and Iago retreat until they feel safer. Jasmine pulls the mirror from her cloak with pride.)

Thief: (Grabs Jasmine from behind a corner. She yelps.) So! So, you are a thief! I am Wadi Yathouin of the thieves’ guild. You have 30 days to obtain a guild permit - a mere 50 dinari. My card. If you are short, we can arrange a payment plan. Good day!

(The thief leaves. Jasmine and Iago look happily upon the thief’s card.)

Iago: Wow, you need a permit for everything these days!

Jasmine: (Looks happily into the mirror) You see? I am a street rat!

Iago: Don’t make me laugh! If you’re a street rat, I’m a frilled lizard.

(Mirror glows blue. Jasmine lets a sound of worry.)

Iago: Uh oh.

(The blue glow surrounds them both, and Jasmine’s cloak falls to the ground. When the glow is gone, a rat appears from under the cloak. The voice reveals it is Jasmine.)

Jasmine: I, I feel so strange! (Examines herself) My hands! My face! My… Tail?

Iago: (as a green frilled lizard) Uh, princess… Do I look different to you?

Jasmine: (gasp) You’re a lizard! (simultaneously) Iago: You’re a rat!

Jasmine: That merchant! He said ‘mysterious forces punish those who did wrong!’

Iago: So why did I get zapped? You’re the one who stole the…

Jasmine and Iago: The mirror!

Jasmine: I said I was a street rat!

Iago: And I said I was a frilled lizard!

Jasmine: We have to tell it to change us back!

Iago: Look!

(Iago points to the mirror, which is shattered on the ground. They go over and look at their reflections in the shards.)

Jasmine: I’m a princess. A princess!

Iago: I’m a parrot! A devilishly good-looking parrot. (The mirror sparks for a moment but stops.)We just got seven years bad luck!

Jasmine: Rats and lizards don’t live that long…

SCENE CHANGE - The Palace garden

(The rat from the beginning digs a hole in the ground next to the wall. Rajah looms over it, and it takes off running. Rajah pursues it.)

Genie: A tiger runs down his prey. (Dressed as a zoologist) Yes, the mighty tiger. With the strength of ten-thousand men. The speed of a plummeting bicep. And jaws so powerful, they can crush an ocean liner. (It is shown that Genie is standing on Rajah’s tail. Rajah runs in place.) It may seem that the fore rodent has nary a chance. Oh, how can this weak and puny fellow survive? Will he not be spared? IS THERE NO HOPE?!! SHALL… (Sees Rajah, who has stopped to give him an annoyed look.) Oh. (Lifts his foot.) How do you supposed that got there?

(Rat scurries back into the hole before Rajah catches it.)

Aladdin: Hehe, That rat’s a little too fast for you, eh Rajah?

(Abu Chatters and scratches Rajah‘s chin friendlily)

Prince Wazoo: (Enters with Sultan) You need a new tiger, your highness. That one doesn’t know a street rat when he smells one.

(Rajah growls angrily.)

Sultan: I was just telling Prince, uh, oh, Wazoo that he should see our marketplace! I’d take him there myself - if I knew where it was…

(Abu whispers something craftily into Rajah’s ear. Rajah grins and growls and sneaks away.)

Prince Wazoo: I should like to pick up a bauble for the princess. Something fabulously decadent and gold perhaps.

Aladdin: Maybe you’d like a new pair of pants too.

Prince Wazoo: And why would I like…? (Rajah rips off a piece of his pants.) I could… hate you.

SCENE CHANGE - The marketplace

Jasmine: Okay. Let’s deal with this calmly.

Iago: Calmly?! I’m a lizard!! Look at this dry, scaly skin!! And what about this?! (referring to the frills around his head) Did I swallow an umbrella or what?!!

Jasmine: Iago! Look!

(She points to Aladdin and Prince Wazoo across the way. Wazoo picks up a gold ornament and throws it conceitedly back at the vendor. Neither Aladdin nor the vendor is amused.)

Prince Wazoo: Oh, please. Too common. (Walks away.)

Vendor: Oh. Well, I never!

(Abu chatters, mocking the prince behind his back.)

Aladdin: You said it, Abu.

Genie: (pops his head out of the lamp when Aladdin almost drops it.) I know what you’re thinking’, Al. He’d look a lot better as a toad, right? (turns his head into a toad-like head)

Aladdin: Sorry, Genie. I promised myself I’d never misuse your power. (pushes Genie back into the lamp)

Prince Wazoo: Oh, Street Rat! (snaps) Fetch my camel. This place bores me.

Genie: (pops his head out briefly) Did you get that promise in writing?

(Abu accidentally drops riches he smuggled into his vest.)

Aladdin: *sigh* Come on Abu. I promised the sultan I’d keep the prince happy.

Jasmine: There’s still hope, Iago. Aladdin will recognize me, and he’ll have Genie turn us back.

Iago: Yeah! That’s worth zero point nothing on the Hope-ometer.

Jasmine: He loves me. He’ll know me no matter what shape I’m in. You’ll see. (scurries away)

Iago: (sees the traffic of beings larger than him and gulps) Oh, boy. (frantically chases Jasmine, getting stepped on and run over repetitively) Whoa! Wait! Nobody stop… Ahhh! Oo! Ah! Look out! Coming through! Whoa! Whoa! Ah! Lemme out! Whoa! Hang on! (gets caught in the wheels of a cart) Oh! Let me off - oof! Hang on - oof! Somebody’s - oof!

(Jasmine makes it to Aladdin, who lifts Wazoo up on his camel. Jasmine pleads at Aladdin’s foot, but all he can hear is squeaks.)

Jasmine: Aladdin! It’s me, Jasmine! A magic mirror turned me into a rat!

Prince Wazoo: (cowardly) Uh! Another rat! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it a lot! Oh, I can’t stand rats!

Aladdin: I’ll handle it, oh brave Wazoo. (nicely scoops Jasmine up in a handkerchief and flings her onto a nearby vendor stand) Come on, Fella. Walk on your own feet.

Jasmine: (Iago appears) He just tossed me aside like a… (watches Aladdin and Wazoo leave) like a rat.

SCENE CHANGE - beneath a vendor stand, where Jasmine and Iago have taken refuge.

Iago: Well? We’re doomed.

Jasmine: No. We can handle this. We’ll just have to go to the palace and summon the Genie ourselves.

Iago: Sure! Go to the palace. We’ll just use the “rats and lizards” entrance.

Jasmine: Let’s go.

(Iago sighs and follows her out.)

Iago: (looks at the traffic again) I am gonna hate this. (runs after Jasmine and once again is trampled repetitively) Oo! Ah! Oo! Watch! Oh! Wait! Wait! Stop! Oww! Oo!

SCENE CHANGE - The palace garden

(Aladdin is setting a table outside for a grand picnic. A rat pushes out a brick from the wall and scurries across the lawn. Rajah chases it back to the hole in the wall and replaces the brick.)

Genie: That rat again, eh? Well I’ll show you how a real hunter… (transforms into a hunter) deals with a rat! (He shoots and laughs maniacally until he realizes he just went overboard.)

(Abu and Rajah peek their heads up from behind a bush nervously. There are holes all over the ground.)

Genie: Well? There I go! I’ve gotten carried away and alienated everyone again.

Aladdin: (approaches them, dressed as a prince) Hey, has anyone seen Jasmine? I thought she might be outside with you guys. But I guess she’s still hiding from that Prince Snootnose.

Sultan: Oh dear. If Jasmine doesn’t show up soon, we’ll have to start Wazoo’s banquet without her!

Aladdin: Don’t worry. She’ll show up when she’s hungry. Even a princess has to eat.

SCENE CHANGE --- The marketplace

(Jasmine is sniffing around.)

Iago: Alright! Dinner break! (Jasmine starts running, and Iago drags behind her, holding her tail.)What do lizards eat anyway?

Jasmine: Bugs, I think.

Iago: *gulp* Terrific. I’m a lizard, I’m starving, and I EAT BUGS! (Instinctively catches a fly with his tongue)

Jasmine: Oh no! All that running, and we’re back at Farouk’s fruit stand! Things look so different from down here! *Sigh* As long as we’re here… (runs up to the fruit stand)

Iago: And no bugs!

(Jasmine climbs a cloth onto the stand and hides behind some fruit. Farouk slices a watermelon open with a very sharp knife and holds the half up. As he advertises, Jasmine sneakily steals an orange.)

Farouk: Fresh fruit here! One bite brings undreamt-of ecstasy! Get them before the bugs do! Finest fruit in all Agrabah! Figs! Figs! The musical fruit! A watermelon a day keeps the doctor away! Fresh fruit! Buy the fruit!

Customer: (an old, loud man) Alright! Alright! I’ll take an orange if it’ll shut you up! (He takes the orange Jasmine is holding onto. When he sees her, she shyly squeaks and waves. He drops the orange frantically and gasps.) Rat!!!

Farouk: (grabs his knife) Whaaat?

(Farouk stabs wildly at Jasmine. A pile of oranges fall on top of Iago, who is waiting at the bottom hoping to catch one. Jasmine jumps off of the cart.)

Jasmine: Iago?! (pulls Iago from the pile of oranges, grabs him just before Farouk stabs the orange where they were, and runs away)

Farouk: Oh yeahh! (slips and falls on his back) Raaat! I HATE rats!

Jasmine: (once safe and alone with Iago, panting) I never knew it could be so hard just to get a little food! Ohh, here we are starving while there’s a feast going on at the palace!

Woman: Dinner, children!

(They look up. The voice came from an upstairs room from the home beside them.)

Jasmine: Wait here. (scurries to the steps) I’ll toss something down to you.

Iago: Remember! No! Bugs!

(Jasmine craftily makes her way up to the window and looks in. A young mother, clearly poor, retrieves two dates and places them on her poor children’s empty plates.)

Woman: Just one date each tonight. We must save the rest for tomorrow.

Jasmine: (sadly to herself) That’s dinner?

(below in the streets, a merchant driving a watermelon cart is racing down the streets

Merchant: Hurry, hurry! These melons should have been at the palace an hour ago!

(The merchant babbles as his cart loses a wheel, and all of the watermelons spill out of the back.)

Iago: (talking to himself, oblivious to the accident) I could have said, if you’re a street rat then I’m the richest parrot in the world! But what do I say? (stupidly) “I’m a frilled lizard!”

(A wheel from the cart rolls towards Iago, who screams and ducks. The wheel bounces over him and rolls to a stop, falling on the ground beside him. He sighs, relieved. Jasmine makes her way down and accidentally falls on top of Iago.)

Jasmine: Sorry.

Iago: So where’s dinner?

Jasmine: There isn’t any… (Iago gives a yell) to speak of.

Iago: Lovely. No insect is safe tonight!

Jasmine: Iago! (sees watermelon merchant) Isn’t that the man who delivers melons to the palace? (scurries to the cart with Iago as the merchant is picking up the melons) Where there’s a melon man, there’s dinner!

(The scene fades to the mother and her two children, plates empty. There is a knock at the door.)

Woman: Who could that be?

(She opens the door and gasps happily to see Jasmine and Iago sitting with a melon at their doorstep. Her children follow.)

Girl: *gasp* It’s the magic holiday rat! She brought us a present from the rodent king!

(Iago slaps his head at this comment. Jasmine scurries away down the steps, and he follows, panting.)

Iago: Slow down! Remember? I don’t have wings anymore!

Jasmine: Come on, Iago. We’ve got a melon cart to catch! (gets back to see the cart driving away) Oh no!

Iago: Forget it. We’ll never catch it now. There’s no hope! Might as well throw in the towel! Cash in our chips!

Jasmine: (sees a man under a sheet held hanging from two wooden poles, held down by a peg. She smiles, grabs Iago, and runs toward it.) We’re not beat yet!

Iago: Would ya quit yankin’ me around like that! You know, lizards have rights too. (Jasmine pulls him onto the sheet and starts nibbling at the rope holding it down.) I - Hey! What are ya doin’? … Oh I seee! You’re gonna use this thing like a sling shot and… (with dread) uh ohhh.

(Jasmine nibbles it down, and they are slung directly into one of the watermelons on the merchant’s cart.)

Iago: Just when I think there are no new kinds of pain, I find one.

SCENE CHANGE - the palace garden. It is dark outside.

(Aladdin, Prince Wazoo, and the sultan are sitting at the table outside, bored. Genie walks over dressed in pink as a housewife with big white hair, speaking in a southern accent.)

Genie: Oh, I declare it’s such a delight to cook for royalty! And, ohhh, Are you going to be pleased! Goat au gratin, hummus on the half shell, and deep fried camel fritters like MOMMA used to make! (Abu tries to open one of the dishes ‘ah ha!’, but Genie shoos him) We’re all fur and impatience, aren’t we now? Oh. Now. If a certain princess would only show up! Oh, my spoons and spices. I’ve forgotten my little weenie o’dourves! Must dash! (returns to the lamp at Aladdin’s side)

Sultan: Dear, I just can’t imagine what’s keeping Jasmine!

Aladdin: Oh, I’m sure she’ll turn up when we least expect her!

Servant: (to Prince Wazoo) Melon ball?

Prince Wazoo: Well, very well.

(Wazoo reaches to take a melon ball, when Jasmine and Iago pop out of it. He shrieks.)

Jasmine: We have to get the lamp, Iago!

(The servant, startled, tosses the bowl.)

Aladdin: Hey! What’s wrong- (Iago lands on his face.)

Sultan: (stutters) Oh, by Heavens! What! (Jasmine lands and bounces off of his hat.)

 Jasmine: (grabs lamp from Aladdin’s side as Iago continues to grip his face.) Genieee!

(Jasmine takes off with the lamp gripped in her tail. Abu chatters)

Genie: (from inside the lamp.) Keep it steady out there, Al! I’m flippin’ pancakes!

Aladdin: (removes Iago from his face) Hey! Hey, come back with that! Okay, rat, gimme that lamp!

(Aladdin tries to catch Jasmine by pulling the table cloth from under her. Wazoo slams a round lid over the lamp. Jasmine escapes, but the lamp is under the lid.)

Aladdin: I’ll take that if you please. (Iago runs and snatches the lamp before Aladdin gets it.) Hey! Come back here!

Prince Wazoo: I will stop him for you, Street rat. (Grabs a dagger and prepares to throw it at Iago. Jasmine sees this and scurries up his shirt.) Oh. My. Oh, please! (laughs as if being tickled. He slips on a banana, which shoots into the sultan’s mouth. Wazoo falls back into the fountain and spits as Jasmine leaves his shirt. He whines.) I’m all wet!

Jasmine: Iago? Iago!

(Iago runs by her, holding the lamp over his head.)

Genie: (from inside the lamp) Oh no! (squish noise) There goes my soufflé!

Iago: Now listen up, you squiffle-brained genie.

(Abu screeches as he picks up the lamp from a tree.)

Iago: Hey! I taught you that trick!

Jasmine: Abu, no!'' (Just then, Rajah growls and chases after Jasmine. When he has her tail caught under his paw, he sniffs her, smiles and licks her friendlily.)''

Jasmine: (wipes her brow) Ohh, Rajah.

Aladdin: Abu! Throw me the lamp!

(Abu snootily drops the lamp to Aladdin below him. Iago yells and leaps onto Prince Wazoo, again dunking him under water. He bounces off his hat with a midair yell and lands on Aladdin’s head. He catches the lamp before Aladdin does.)

Aladdin: Hey!

(Iago falls off of Aladdin’s head. The lamp tumbles on the ground. Iago yells as he falls. His frills turn into an umbrella, and he smiles. But then it collapses like an inside-out umbrella, and Iago thumps on the ground.)

Genie: Oo! Ah! Ooh! Eh!

(Aladdin runs after the lamp. He trips on Iago and slides across the table, breaking everything. Genie continues his “Oo! Ah! Ow!” ‘s as Jasmine, who pops out of a hole she dug, chases after him.)

Jasmine: (Jumps onto Rajah’s head) Hurry, Rajah! The lamp!

(Rajah takes off towards the lamp. Abu pursues them, jumping on Wazoo’s head and dunking him again. Jasmine is flung towards and into the lamp, and the lamp comes to a complete stop.)

Genie: (comes out of the lamp with dessert on his head) Okayyy. Who dropped a rat on me? I’ll have you know. Dessert is completely ruined! (sees Jasmine, who is back on Rajah’s head) Ohh! Hi Jasmine! Sorry about… Say there’s something different about you, isn’t there? New hairstyle?

Jasmine: I’m a rat!

Genie: That’s it! Ohh that’s a good look for you!

Jasmine: Genie, you’ve got to help me.

Prince Wazoo: (surfaces and whines) How more rats. (sinks again)

Sultan: (pulls his hat from over his face and stutters) What’s going on? Where’s? Why’s every-? Hmm!

Jasmine: Please, Genie. Change me back to a princess!

Genie: I’ll try, but my powers aren’t what they used to be. Nothing up my sleeve! (removes his arms as if pushing up his sleeves) Presto!

(Genie shoots magic at Jasmine. Her body returns to normal, but she has a rat’s head and tail.)

Genie: Mmm, that’s not it. (He tries again, changing her into a rat with a human body.) Nope. (He tries again and turns her into a creature with her own head surrounded by a pink flower, a giraffe’s neck, white gloved hands holding a baby rattle, a blue dinosaur tail, and an ape-like bottom with a pinned cloth diaper.) Where did that come from?

(He tries again and succeeds.)

Jasmine: Finally.

Iago: Hey! (tugs Genie’s tail) What about me? You think I like being cold-blooded? (Genie changes him back, but his feathers poof out like frills.) Oh. This is good. I’ll NEVER get this down. I LOOK LIKE A PETUNIA OVER HERE

Aladdin: Princess! What happened to you?

Jasmine: I am not talking to you. (walks away from Aladdin)

Aladdin: What did I do?

Jasmine: (goes over to the rat from the beginning and places it down on the table) As for you, it’s a little messy, but it’s all yours.

(The rat dives into the food eagerly and eats.)

Sultan: (stutters) Jasmine, I don’t understand! I mean, how did? Where have you?

Jasmine: I’ll explain everything, father. But first, we need to talk about the poor people of Agrabah.

Sultan: Poor people? We have poor people in Agrabah?

(The two walk away. Aladdin and Wazoo see that Jasmine still has a rat tail.)

Prince Wazoo: She’s a rat. My beautiful princess is a rat!

Aladdin: Sorry, Wazoo. Heh. I guess she’s more my type than yours after all, eh?

(The rat on the table, very fat, squeaks and burps and falls over with a smile.)