Recipe for Death II: Kiss the Cook

Adult Adam: The '80s were the pinnacle of the badass, jacked-up action hero. They tore up the movie screen and inspired every kid to let out their inner commando.

Dude! It's like looking into a mirror!

[As Arnold Schwarzenegger] I'll be back.

You're not going anywhere, mister.

You got schmutz all over your face.

Here, let Mama get it off.

No! I'm Commando.

Commando? No, no, no. Go put some undies on.

You're gonna chafe your little gumdrops.

Yep. Growing up, a new Arnold movie was an event.

Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last?

That's right, Matrix, you did!

I lied.

[Screams]

Schwarzenegger really is the coolest man alive.

And his acting gets slightly better in every movie.

Hoo-hoo! Look at Commando go!

He just punched that guy dead!

Like most dads in the '80s, Murray Goldberg loved action movies as much as me.

No, Commando! Don't go in that shed!

Adam, Commando won't listen!

[Whispering] You know who is listening?

[Normal voice] The entire theater!

But my dad just couldn't contain himself.

Incredible! That had everything you want in a movie!

Explosions, revenge, a steam pipe being thrown through a guy.

All movies should be "Commando."

Or "Rambo."

Or any action movie with an "O" on the end, I'm in!

For the first time, me and my dad had something in common.

Naturally, I'd use it for my gain.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Arnold said six lines in that movie and your dad talked over every one?

No! This is my big ticket to get him to finally pony up some dough for a homemade action movie!

Dude, when are you gonna learn?

What?

It's like every week you go to your dad and ask him to support one of your insanely geeky hobbies.

[Scoffs] Name one.

Robots, swords, video games, Space Camp, D&D, Magic, Fraggles, a new computer so you could "Weird Science" up a hot girl.

I live a rich life, Dave Kim!

But this time's gonna be different 'cause for the first time, we love the same thing.

He can't say no!

And yet, I think he'll find a way.

And so began the presentation of a lifetime.

Evening, dad. Full disclosure...

I'm gonna do that thing where I present you with an awesome idea and ask you to fund it.

Kiddo, please don't put us all through this again.

It's hard to watch.

Not this time!

I've decided to make my first action movie.

And I need you to help me realize my vision.

Behold!

It's called "Recipe for Death."

I'm in.

I play John Cook, the street-wise chef whose brother was kidnapped by the Mafia.

Now the only thing I serve is vengeance.

I'm in.

Let me finish before you mock me.

My movie stars the world's biggest, baddest action hero.

He's not from Austria, like Arnold, or Belgium, like Van Damme, or wherever Steven Seagal is from.

Probably central Florida.

No! This superstar lives in our house!

Me.

Stop talking! I'm in!

We get it, you're out, just let the poor yutz finish.

What part of "I'm in" don't you get?

The answer is yes.

Oh, sweet balls! I've never made it this far.

What do I ask for? I'm panicking.

He's having some sort of episode.

Get everything you can.

Just take my 80 bucks.

Dear Lord! This is a big-budget movie!

I'm making a big-budget movie!

Yoo-yah! [Grunts] Ya-ya-ya!

I'm already regretting this.

Too late!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪ ♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪ ♪ I don't know the future ♪ ♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was November 9, 1980-something, and my sister was obsessed with the one thing every teen girl loved... fashion.

Seriously! That dress could literally not get any radder.

It's a sweater dress from Benetton.

They can take even the lamest and lumpiest of all clothes and make it sleek and sexy.

Well, Benetton is the Italian word for "style."

I agree.

It's the perfect dress for our homecoming party.

Me and Barry are gonna look so classy.

God! I want a sweater dress so bad.

I wish I could afford it.

Maybe you can get a job.

And maybe you can try and help me instead of talking nonsense.

Well, then just ask your mom to buy it for you.

No way! Shopping with her is a nightmare.

She always turns it into a daylong bonding marathon with brunch and mani-pedis and ice cream and long talks.

You mean like a loving mom who you can always count on?

Ugh! I know, right?

Well, the question you have to ask yourself is how bad do you want that sweater dress?

The answer... bad. So bad that she did this.

Mommy, remember that one time when I lived in your tummy?

[Gasps] So weird. I was just thinking about that.

Anyway. Can we go shopping for a dress?

Wait, to clarify, I'm being invited to go shopping by you, my delicious little pickle.

Yeah, that's me. A pickle.

Whatever it takes.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Oh!

I just had to capture the moment so I could remember it forever.

The moment when my daughter became my best friend.

So that's a yes?

Heck, yes! Grab your coat!

Look out, Gimbels! The Goldberg gals are coming in hot!

Actually, I was thinking a different store.

Oh, but everybody loves Gimbels.

Yeah, it's like traveling back to a simpler, less-fashionable era.

I was thinking more Benetton.

Ooh, yes.

That's the place where you order the meats and they cook them right there next to you and then they flip the meats into your mouth and then you eat the meats.

That's Benihana.

Okay, then.

So, Gimbels first, then flying meats, then we get our nails done, then a sherbet stop, then I gotta pick up your dad's prescription, then paddleboating in the park, and then who knows?

The moon! [Chuckling]

I just want a sweater that's also a dress.

Lucky for Erica, Gimbels wasn't an option.

Going out of business?

What could that possibly mean?

I think that means they're going out of business.

Gimbels is the biggest shopping chain in America.

That's like saying Blockbuster Video shut down, or B. Dalton Books, or Circuit City.

It's impossible!

It seems possible and very much happening.

I think you need to shut your face-mouth!

I'm sorry. This is the worst day of my life.

No. No way. Why are they naked?

Give them their decency!

They need bulky khakis and nylon blouses!

Calm down, mom. It's just a store.

Not to me. I've had my best memories there.

Just think of all the coupons I've doubled.

All the managers I've made cry.

All the clothes I've worn for a decade and then returned no questions asked.

No wonder they're going out of business.

Now I'm store-less, Erica.

Life will never be the same.

Hey. It doesn't matter that Gimbels is closing.

What matters is that we're spending time together.

Now, come on. Let's buy me stuff.

While Erica was playing my mom, I was about to play my cinematic masterpiece for my producer, my dad.

[Suspenseful music plays]

Yah!

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

Cool, right?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Lots of good stuff there.

Dad, you're actually interested in my movie!

I want your feedback.

Good or bad? We're partners on this.

Partners? Okay then.

Well, it's all dark and hard to see.

There were some lighting challenges. Note taken.

And the camera shakes like crazy.

Camera's kinda heavy, so...

Also, it sounds like crap.

Wow. Lotta thoughts.

And it looks cheap as hell.

All right, maybe ease off.

Like a washed-out, crummy public-access show that's on at midnight.

I'm just a boy!

I gave you $80 to make a real movie.

You said you were gonna do some real "Van Damage."

Look, a film camera and lights and boom mic cost a ton of money.

It's not just going to fall in my lap.

Here's the stuff. Make it good.

Wow. Where'd you score this?

My cousin Russ films bar mitzvahs for a living.

He said you could borrow it.

Whoa. Wait. All this time, I've had access to high-tech Hollywood film equipment, and you've never told me?

I guess I never connected the dots.

Oh, my God.

There's, like, a warm sensation inside my heart.

Don't make it weird.

It's like you're one of those dads in the stands cheering me on 'cause I'm good at athletic-sport competitions.

You made it weird. Now, just take the stuff and go.

Now that I'm a real director, I've gotta write a script and hire a crew...

And hire your leading man? You've come to the right place.

And I accept your offer.

We didn't come to you, and there's no offer.

Wait! Maybe this is the one time Barry would actually be helpful.

This is the one time, bro!

I've extensively studied the work of Chuck Norris and know what it takes to be a badass action star.

Karate!

Stunts!

[Groans]

Acting.

Surprise! Anger!

Surprise! Anger!

And most important... love scene.

No. Please don't show us love scene.

Oh, sweet Lord.

He's never getting married.

Adam, a word. Are you serious about this?

The guy's a moron.

He's your son.

That's how I know!

Trust me. Barry's gonna be amazing.

Also, I have no other options.

So do I have the part?

No.

Yes.

I see what's happening. You're negotiating.

I will reduce my normal fee of $1 million and will work for free.

No, wait. $1,000!

No. I'll pay you!

Damn it. I blew it.

While Barry was preparing for his new role, my mom wasn't at all prepared for Benetton.

Welcome to the future of clothing.

The United Colors of Benetton.

It's very bright and it smells weird.

Forget Gimbels. This will be just as fun.

Hey. What's the one thing you love doing most when we go shopping?

Nodding yes or no as you try on outfits like they do in the movies.

Well, then get ready to nod yes because we have some shopping to do.

[Katrina & the Waves' "Walking on Sunshine" plays]

♪ Ow ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Uh-uh.

♪ I used to think maybe you loved me ♪ ♪ Now, baby, I'm sure ♪

[Music cuts]

Stop shaking no.

I need a yes. Shake yes!

I can't shake yes!

Just try!

It won't do it. My neck loves Gimbels too much.

Well, I don't care about your stupid neck as long as your credit card is nodding.

I'm trying!

[Sighs] Perhaps a dollop of tuna salad from the Benetton cafe will calm my nerves.

There is no cafe.

Oh [bleep] no!

I will find tuna.

Give me [bleep] tuna!

What kind of store doesn't have tuna?

It was the morning of the shoot, and while my star was ready to shine, my dad was ready to pull the plug.

And the Oscar for Best Actor goes to...

Barry Norman Goldberg!

A lot of other actors would say, "Thank you."

I'm saying, "You're welcome."

Hey, Barry, are you sure this is how you want to spend your Saturday?

Dude. This movie is gonna be my calling card, and it'll make Jamie Lee Curtis notice me.

Don't tell Lainey!

No wait, tell her. She needs to know.

All right, first off, I wouldn't rock the boat of that relationship.

And secondly, I think I saw your Jenkintown Boys Club down at the Wawa parking lot.

The JTP? Who was leading them?

I don't know. Some new guy.

Was it Dan?!

Sure.

Stupid Dan!

I will challenge him to a game of smashball and reassert my dominance.

[Tires screech]

Turns out, when it came to being a producer, my dad knew how to get exactly what he wanted.

Why would he pass on the role of a lifetime?!

Why?! We're screwed blue!

We have no time to recast!

I'm way ahead of you.

Coach is here and ready for his closeup!

I am your clay.

Mold me.

Coach Mellor? He's our star?

Oh, yeah. I slipped him the script.

He responded to the material.

Well, I guess you're my only option, so... you got the part.

You honor me.

Do you know your lines?

I memorized the whole script. I love the zingers.

My favorite one... "See you ladle."

I like how you wrote "ladle" instead of "later."

'Cause I'm a cook.

"See you ladle"? I-I didn't write that.

That'd be me. I did some noodling with the script, partner.

Dad! You can't rewrite my script!

But you didn't have any snappy one-liners like Arnold says.

That's the best part of an action movie.

Now you got a bunch of 'em.

Sear you later.

Spat-u-later.

Cheese ya grater.

They are all the same!

Dad, I appreciate the support, but this is still my movie.

Hey. Everyone knows that you're the creative vision behind "Recipe for Death 2."

Two?! We haven't even filmed part one.

The best action movies are always the sequel, so we're just skipping ahead to the good stuff.

Know what? We're a team.

The important thing here is we're working on this together.

Pops, I need a new producer!

Huh? What am I producing?

80 bucks and no back talk.

I'm in.

While I had found a way to push my dad out of the picture, Erica had finally found her new look.

Find everything you need?

[Grumbling] Mm. Eh.

We did. Thank you.

Whatever.

I have a coupon.

Oh. I'm sorry, this coupon is for Gimbels.

Correct. It's a competitor's coupon, so you match the price.

And when we're done here, I'm gonna need this back so I can use it at other stores.

Yeah, we don't really consider Gimbels a competitor because we're fresh and cool and hip and fun, and they're... closing.

Oh, God. Um. Just run the credit-card machine thing.

Let me get this straight.

Benetton thinks it's better than Gimbels because you have all these glossy posters hanging around?

These kids were clearly dressed against their will.

Come on, make the ch-chunk.

This is bull corn.

Okay. I'm going to have to ask you to take your business elsewhere.

Ho-ho!

You're banning me from your store?

No-no, sister.

I'm banning you.

You can't ban me.

Oh, I just did.

You are Ban-itonned!

That's not a word.

Oh, it is now. I Bani-ton you from having the pleasure of us in your store, sucka!

Come on, Erica.

The cu... I'm...

No!

While my mom was making a scene, I was directing a scene of my own.

We meet again, Blade.

Well, well, John Cook.

I'm surprised you survived the series of traps I set in my deadly labyrinth.

Well, I'm back, a...

And I'm ready to spoon-feed you a delicious mouthful of pain.

I'll see ya ladle.

[Dramatic music plays]

Looking for something?

Cut! Cut. Cut.

You're not selling it, Dave Kim.

Think about how dumb your haircut is.

Use your pain.

Gah! Steady up the boom, Taz.

What's a boom?

It's the thing you're holding.

I kept whispering, "Boom" so you'd raise it out of frame.

Oh! I thought you were going like, "Boom! We just got another great cinematic moment."

Ah. Wh-What's all this?

Oh! Hey! I thought sending you to get donuts at the airport would take much longer.

You're shooting movies without me?

Kinda.

I thought we were doing this whole deal together.

Uh. I decided to go with a different producer.

[Mumbling] I have no notes.

I love everything the kid does.

I don't get it. You said you wanted my support.

I do! I-I did. I don't.

You can't give back support.

I just did.

No!

You keep the support!

And you're gonna get much more!

I'm gonna support you but good!

Don't you dare say that!

Oh, you heard me! I'm a big blanket of support!

A big blanket!

You monster.

Fine! Do what you want.

Also, you got some kind of bag so I can bring home this fruit?

You sure about this?

Oh, I'm sure.

My mom gets me banned from Benetton?

Then I'll just bring Benetton to me.

Uh, [scoffs] you can't just make a sweater dress.

Can't I?

She could.

My sister had access to the biggest, loudest sweater collection in the greater Philadelphia area.

She has a sweater that celebrates the culture of sweaters?

My mind is melting!

Hey. This one shows promise.

Yeah, but those sleeves. Blech.

But... if you took these sleeves and the bottom half of this sparkly one, that could totally be a dress!

And if you took the rhinestones from this one...

And used this fringe and these ruffles and these weird tiny pockets, that would totally work!

So cute!

And so they sewed.

They searched. They glued.

They ripped, snipped, and glittered.

Okay. The big reveal.

Eat your heart out, Bene... Oh, my God!

This did not work!

No, it did not!

This does not look like Benetton!

No, it does not!

We need to cut up more sweaters and fix it!

And so they did it again.

They sewed, they cut, they tore.

They generally made a mess... until they got it just right.

[Voice breaking] I made it worse.

You really did!

Why?!

Why?!

[Gasps] My sweaters!

My glorious sweaters!

I'm realizing now this whole thing got away from me.

Gimbels is out of business!

I can't replace them. They're all I had.

It's not my fault!

I mean, it is.

What I did sucks, but what you did sucks, too!

You got me Ban-itonned!

That is not a word.

And I thought that the most important thing was us spending time together.

What mattered was the dress! Not you!

♪

Fine.

[Smacks lips]

Go buy it.

Hope you feel good knowing the real price you paid.

I think the price was her.

I know the price, Lainey!

It had been a day since me and my sister tricked our parents into supporting us.

And now my mom and dad were farther from us than ever.

Look at her. She's not even Parming the shrimp.

Without her Parm, it's just plain shrimp.

Wow, you really messed her up.

Wow, you really messed him up.

He's wearing pants and not touching his rocky road?

This is bad.

This is awful.

All I wanted was for my mom to leave me alone.

All I wanted was for my dad to be a little more involved.

Now I've completely pushed him away.

I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but you've gotta figure out a way to make her feel good.

Just figure out a way to get him back.

Damn it, why are you always right?

Damn it, you're right.

'Sup?

What the...?

Wh-Where'd you come from?

Dad said Dan took over the JTP, and I had to stop him at all costs.

Who's Dan?

No idea.

So I gave everyone in school named Dan a wedgie.

Look. Movie's done, bro.

Damn you, Stallone!

I assume he took the part after I fell out!

Get your coat. We're going shopping.

Nice try. I'm done being used for my charge card.

Actually, this time it's my treat.

The Gimbels downtown store is having a going-out-of-business sale.

One day only. Everything 50% off.

Big whoop. Sales come and go.

I also believe you've been collecting a lifetime of coupons, one of which is good for 50% off your entire purchase.

Again, not interested.

You should also know that I called my old Gimbels manager and he said he would honor my employee discount.

[Mike & the Mec. "All I Need is a Miracle"]

Another 50% off.

That's half of half of half off.

The shopping trifecta.

Only the luckiest yentas ever get to see it.

I know I messed up.

But what do you say we go do some damage?

Together.

Let's go make some memories!

♪ All I need is a miracle ♪

That day, my mom and sister went on the shopping spree of a lifetime.

Racks were emptied, displays were toppled, sweaters were replaced, and carts were overflowing.

Go, go, go!

Housewares up ahead! I'm on it!

♪ All I need is a miracle ♪

[Music cuts out]

The reason he's cheating on you is 'cause your house is so filthy.

Right?

This is my mom's! All of these are!

♪ All I need... ♪

This is the proudest moment of my life.

And if Gimbels wasn't going out of business before, they sure would have after my mom and sister were done there.

Yes!

Ha-ha-ha! We did it! We did it!

♪

Hey, can we talk?

No talk. I-I-I'm fine.

Well, then just sit in your chair.

I've never said no to that.

I-I wanna show you something.

That something was my very first big-budget movie.

And I anxiously awaited the first review.

♪ All I need is a miracle ♪ ♪ All I need is you ♪

Wow. Your movie turned out really good.

Our movie.

See you ladle.

[Thud]

Hey, you kept in my one-liners.

Yeah. You're a pretty good producer after all.

♪ All I need is you ♪

Even though I kind of fired you, it was really awesome having your support.

[Sighs]

You know I'm not the kind of dad who cheers and screams from the sidelines.

But it's really important for you to know that I'll always be rooting for you.

Always.

♪ I'm gonna love you for the rest of your life ♪

That day, my mom got her picture-perfect ending.

Just not in the way she thought.

'Cause in the end, it's not about the costumes or the music... or the explosions, for that matter.

It's the characters.

And in our house, you never had to look too far...

I don't know how you did that.

...to find the perfect cast.

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

See you ladle!

♪

My dad has a seriously freaky talent of making action-movie zingers. Watch.

Hey, Dad. What would Arnold say if he threw a guy off a cliff?

"My favorite season is fall." "You've been grounded."

"It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a dead guy."

"Surprise! Hope you weren't thrown."

What would Arnold say to a guy he just fed to a lion?

"Pleased to eat you."

"This won't hurt, or am I lyin'?"

"Show some pride." What would Arnold say if he just ripped a guy's heart out?

"You're under cardiac arrest."

"Be my Valentine."

"Don't be so heartless."

He could be an action star.

Bevy! I need your strong fingers!

Or maybe not.