Stan's Best Friend

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! Oh, my God, please don't tell me Shatner died. You're looking well. Our presentation can now begin. Word of caution, I would refrain from sharing popcorn with the gentleman to your left as I saw him cut a hole in the bottom of his bucket. He's kidding. Popcorn? Hello. I'm Steve Smith. I'm sitting right over there. What? In the past, I have personally made ironclad cases as to why I am the perfect candidate to own a dog. I am an American boy and I both crave and offer companionship. But tonight, I'm calling on other folks to help me make my case. This is my best friend, Snot. I'm Snot Lonstein and this is my dog Dreidel. We get a lot of comments when I walk him. "Hey, who's walking who?" is one I particularly enjoy. That's good fun. That's enough! Steve, I've told you over and over, I will never allow anyone in this house to get a dog! Ever! I agree with Stan. I'm the only pet this house needs. What about me? You can't be a pet unless someone loves you. Stan, don't you think you were a little harsh with Steve in there? I'm tired of his constant pleas for a dog. It's, "Dog, dog, dog," all day long. You think you can get something just by saying it enough? If that were true, all I'd be saying is "Jane Seymour from behind. " Just "Jane Seymour from behind, Jane Seymour from behind," over and over. Jane Seymour from behind? Stan, have you considered that maybe you won't let Steve have a dog because of a deeper issue? You know damn well why! When I was a boy, I had a dog named Freddy. He was my best friend. But right after my dad left us, my mom said Freddy was diagnosed with what is now known as "Air Bud" disease. She told me the humane thing to do was to put Freddy down. Nooo My mom said to. Please accept your fate with dignity. Turns out Freddy wasn't even sick. They just didn't allow dogs at our new apartment building. And because of that super sad story, I will never have a dog in my home. It's such a sad story that I won't even undercut it with a joke. I'm just gonna let it end sad. Are you sure you don't want to come up with some joke to end that? Nope. Keeping it sad. Stan, we had a dog already. I don't think so. We did. Five years ago you got Steve an old dog that peed dust, and you killed it. We also had another dog named Fussy that you didn't like or something. Francine, those were obviously dreams. I refuse to discuss your dreams in the daytime. Hey, Roger, what's? Where the hell have you been?! You are not going to believe what's going on in this house. Things are really going to pot around here. Great. It's locked. I forgot my key. Of course you never gave me a key. That kinda bothers me, but that's not important. What is important is what's going on around here! You're gonna see, buddy, oh, you are gonna see! This is great. Suddenly security's real tight around here. You are just gonna lose it when you see what's going on in your house! You are really gonna blow your stack! The worst part of it is the disrespect to you, They are castrating you, quite frankly. I'm sorry, but that's what they're doing. They are cutting off your nads, period, end of story. Oh, you're gonna see it so soon! Look! It's sloppy! It's so wet! Oh, I love you, too! What in the hell is that? It's my new dog, Kisses! I said no dogs! Oh, this is good for Steve. And it'll be good for you to love a dog again. I bet Freddy is smiling down from doggie heaven right now. I hope he is. I hope he's up there, living in a lake house, driving a kickass speedboat, eating the foamy grass he just threw up. Let Steve keep Kisses, Stan. Fine. But I won't have anything to do with that dog. If he buys a table at a charity event, I won't sit at it. I'm mad at you. You are consistently a problem for me. Whoa! Taking some liberties here. Oh, um, okay. But I'm-I'm only letting you sit there because my crotch is chilly. You're soft. Like the detergent bear. Oh, and look, there's a little ear. Who likes a scratch? Who likes an ear scratch, huh? Just gonna snap a pic for Steve. It's for him, not for me. Oh, my God, what a cute little yawn, what a tired little baby! You were right, Francine. It feels so good to love a dog again. Don't throw the Frisbee too close to the street, Stan. Don't worry. The odds of me being involved in another dog-related tragedy are astronomical. Atta boy, Kisses! Mee-argh! Oh, it's, it's not fair! It's not fair! Why him?! Why?! No, take me, take me, take me! Oh, my God! Smith family? Yes?! Well, the good news is that Kisses survived the balloon accident. He's still alive! Well, yes, but he's only breathing with the help of a machine. Oh, God! He's not dead? Are you sure? I don't mean to question your abilities, it's just I saw you pull into the parking lot in a Geo Metro. That's not a car for a doctor. That's a sweet 16 gift for a Filipino. No! This is an unfortunate situation. Doctor, is Kisses gonna make it? Well, most of his vital organs have failed. I'm afraid there's not much hope. Oh, no, it's Freddy all over again! I know this is hard, but under the circumstances, I think the right thing to do is to pull the plug. Oh, God! It's so sad! I won't be responsible for another dog dying! Who are we to play God?! You know who I'd like to see play God? Borat. He'd be all like, "My wi" No. He'd be, "My-my wif" I can't do it. I can't do it. Well, if you're going to keep Kisses on life support, we'll need to discuss the cost of care. Oh, here we go! That's the real medicine, huh? Cash! Guess I gotta show Jerry Maguire the money! Here, why don't you take it all? Just so you know, it was Rod Tidwell who asked that the money be shown to him, not Jerry Maguire. I'm sure in your grief, you mixed up the characters. You know, we've never even discussed what we would do if either one of us was on life support. If I was messed up like Kisses, I'd want you to pull the Okay. doctor aside and tell him I'm allergic to penicillin. Wow, you said "Okay" pretty quickly. You know, we should probably see a lawyer and make a will to sort this stuff out. That way we both know our final wishes will be honored. Why did you guys drag me out here to listen to this boring lawyer stuff?! You're still here? Of course I am. What did you find out? When's the surgery? Surgery? Mr. Smith, I know this is hard, but Kisses is not going to recover from his accident. You're real quick to give up on this dog, aren't you, Doc? What's your hurry? You gotta get your report card out of the mailbox before your folks get home? Look, it's obvious I'm gonna have to cure the dog myself. I'm going Lorenzo's Oil on this one. You're going to fix him? Why not me? What, you don't think I can do a major surgery because I'm not a doctor like you? You sound a lot like my tailor, who also didn't think I could do things on my own. Come on. He's defacing the walls. Do something! Oh, no, you don't. Nuh-uh. You don't do that around here. Okay, that takes care of all the medical stuff. Now let's move onto the distribution of possessions. We're hippies, Bernie. We don't care about material things. That's gross. That's a gross way to live. Well, we do have a few things. Uh, there's my Hacky Sacks and my sleeping bag. Oh, and I control the master tapes to Blues Traveler's first album. What? Years ago, I was the tour cook for the band, and the lead singer, John Popper, loved my food, so he gave me the tapes. They earn about $2 million a year. What? Or maybe more. I don't know. I haven't really been paying attention since I gave the rights to Patricia, my daughter. You have a daughter? Well, stepdaughter. Yeah, back when I was into cougars, I married her mom, who was 71. That's hot. That's a hot way to live. Anyway, my wife had passed, and it was Patricia's 50th birthday, and I didn't know what to get her, so Jeff, you need to get those tapes back, okay? My God! Is there anything else that you'd like to share with me? I think the dude who lives in your parents' attic has a crush on me. He makes me uncomfortable. Hey, bookworm. Well, I just did a ton of research at the library, but I couldn't concentrate. They were blasting Oingo Boingo at top volume. But I did find this flier. This woman specializes in fixing animals that other vets have given up on. Look, I know you want to do everything to help Kisses, - but this isn't right. - Hello. Steve, you've stopped crying. Well, it's been four days. I ran out of tissues and started using my handy tube sock to dry my tears. Think my eyes might be pregnant. Anyway, Dad, it's time to let Kisses go. There's no quality of life for him anymore. He's right, Stan. It's my dog, Dad. It's my call. Okay, Steve. Okay. Hey, yin-yangs. Steve, did you tell them you want to pull the plug? I at least want to be there when Oh, my God, look at your hair. It's getting so long. How sweaty is your nape right now? You're doing the right thing. Your husband was here earlier to say good-bye in private. Don't you worry, Kisses. Dr. Lizzy's going to fix you right up. You like music? My friend, Klaus, made us a mix tape for the drive. Hey, Stan. Hey, Kisses. Hope this tape makes your journey a little more rockin'. Sent a letter on a long summer day Made of silver, not of clay Oh, I've been running down this dusty road Klaus, you dick. Oh, the wheel in the sky keeps on turning Dr. Lizzy? My name is Stan Smith. My dog, Kisses, was crushed by a hot air balloon full of pirate cats. Can you help me? Come in. Thanks. Is it cool that I parked there? Kisses is being prepped for surgery. He's going to be fine. You were stuck in what I like to call the "Western Pharma-cycle. " Veterinarians give pets diseases, and then sell owners medicine that cures those diseases, but gives them different diseases. Oh, it's a great business model if you're the Devil! You have a beautiful laugh. So, you see, Patricia, I'm remarried now, and we could really use the Blues Traveler money. No way. Okay, we thought you might resist, which is why we brought our lawyer. Bernie, do your thing. Alright, ma'am, I understand that you're determined to keep the money. I just have one question. Will you marry me? What?! Yes! Yes, of course I ll! Bernie! You know he's just doing this for the money. I know. But we'll still have lots of sex, right, Bern? Maybe. Oh, my God. My baby's getting married! Jeff! We are paying for the wedding. I don't want to hear another word about it. Thanks, Dad. Well? The procedure was a success. We saved Kisses. Oh, thank you, Dr. Lizzy! Can I see him? I'll do you one better. Call him. Kisses. Kisses. It's Daddy. Come to Daddy. Come to Well, what do you think? Where where are his eyes? He was blinded by the accident, so I removed his eyeballs and put them where his testicles used to be. Dogs deserve dignity, too, sir. Is his head a a baseball mitt? Softball mitt. Know what I'm saying? A wink. Saying it without saying it. I like-a the ladies. This this isn't how I pictured he'd turn out. Stan, you wanted me to keep Kisses alive, and I did. You told me to do anything and everything I could. Did you not tell me that? No, I-I did. I did. Good. Now, here's the bill. $6,000? Well, I also fixed your car. Stan, this is the sixth message I've left. Please call me when you get this. Hey, look what I found. My smile. You know where it was? Four minutes into The Today Show. Thank you, Al Roker, for talking to those fat women holding a banner that said "Minnesota Cheese Queens. " Oh, I'm worried about your father. He was just so distraught over Kisses, God knows what he'll Stan, where have you been? Doing what none of you thought could be done. I saved Kisses. Okay, I don't know what you did, but all Kisses needs is to be put out of his misery. Misery? You call this misery? Kisses, come on, boy. Oh, my God! Please kill this dog! End this! I know he's initially hard to look at, but it's still Kisses. Look deep into his eyes, which are now his balls, and you'll see. Okay, whatever that is, it's not Kisses. Don't listen to her, Kisses. You're still Daddy's little fella. Is that Kisses? Oh, my God. Oh, no! No, now, this dog I like. He can stay. Freddy! Hop in, Stan. Where are we? This is Heaven. Grab me something cold, will you? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Come on, bro. Look, Stan, this nonsense you got going on with Kisses isn't right. But Dr. Lizzy said that Dr. Lizzy's a mental patient, okay? Look, take it from another dog. If Kisses can't run and play and do all that crap we like, then what's the point? Maybe I don't know. Stan, let Kisses go. Saving him won't bring me back. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. It's okay, man. You want to drive? I got to quit these things. I got to quit these things, too. But I can't. I got too much of my dad in me. All right, Kisses. You ready? Three, two, one. Stan! I blew up Kisses with dynamite. What? Why? Because of Freddy. Because of you, Freddy. This is nice. Hey, Freddy, Trish thinks the new guy is cute. Penny! You're going to do just fine here. Yeah, you got to kill those sometimes.