The Girlfriend

Empty Heart



 * [to Banana Joe] It's lunchtime. [Banana Joe offers her his money] That is not what I asked for. [Banana Joe sighs and peels his head. Jamie bites it and spits it out. She walks away] Not in the mood for banana.


 * [brainless, drooling] (?) please can have.




 * [muffled] Oh, sorry. You don't like the crusts, do you?




 * Not in the mood for sandwich. You eat it.




 * Mmm, perfect. [To Carmen] Try some.




 * Move.




 * [whispering to Alan] My lunch.


 * Here, Carmen, you can have mine.


 * Wait. Are you, sharing with her?


 * Of course. There's no greater happiness than sharing with your sweetheart.


 * I don't get it.


 * Then maybe it's not just your stomach that's empty.




 * Are you saying I've got an empty head?


 * No! I meant your heart! Your heart!




 * What do you mean, my heart?




 * I mean, maybe you'd feel better if you found someone to share things with.




 * Well played, you made her think. [Grabs Alan from Jamie and walks away] That buys us some time to escape.

The Realization



 * [to Alan] That was way more time than we needed.


 * I need a sweetheart.






 * Dude, what were you thinking? Why didn't you just run?


 * I thought you said I need to sweat hard, like at the gym or something.


 * Well, why did you say nothing when she asked you out?


 * Because when a gorilla charges you, you stay still and say nothing. I saw it on TV.


 * Dude, she's not a gorilla.


 * What is she, then?


 * [softly] She's your new girlfriend. [Dramatic sting as the camera closes in on Darwin. Beat] Didn't you get that? "Dun dun dun" is usually not a good sign.


 * It's okay. I'll just ride out the storm and say nothing.

The New Girlfriend



 * Trust me, man, you need to rub yourself with garlic.


 * She's not a vampire.


 * Yeah, but it would still keep most people away.




 * Okay, rule one: If you ignore me or break up with me, there will be serious consequences involving you, me, a spoon, and a saltshaker. [Darwin thinks, then shudders] Oh, by the way, I got you a present to celebrate our love. [Shoves the present in Darwin's face. He opens it - it's a slightly smaller present] My present to you is a present for me. I've given you the gift of giving. Now hand it over! [He does and she opens it] Perfume?! [She throws the perfume on the floor, breaking it] Are you saying I smell bad?! Gosh darn it! [Beats up Gumball's locker] Sorry, honey. Lost my temper there for a second. See you at lunch.



Lunchtime



 * Wanna share Gumball's lunch with me, sweetheart?




 * Hey, Jamie, if a coconut has both hair and milk, why isn't it classified as a mammal? [Jamie goes brain-dead again] So, Darwin, why don't we get some more food in the [points downward] basement? [Imitates walking down the stairs as he goes under the table. Beat. Gumball pulls Darwin down with him] Were you just gonna sit in silence up there, why aren't you saying anything?


 * Simple - her problem is that she doesn't understand love so the best thing to do is to wait quietly until she works it out for herself.


 * But, dude, you're encouraging her. Could you at least look less adorable? Something more like this.




 * You know I can only look adorable. [Whispers] It's my curse. [His face turns into a cute real-life face] See?


 * Nipples!




 * What?


 * A coconut has milk, but it doesn't have nipples, which means it's not a mammal, it's a hairy milk carton from a tree.


 * [whispers] Wow.


 * Can we get some privacy?! We're having a romantic meal here!


 * Yeah, I know, it's mine.


 * Look, if you don't get out of here, there will be serious consequences involving you, me, an electric fan, and a pair of dice.



In the Schoolyard



 * To think we've only been together for a day. It takes some couples years to have the kind of long, comfortable silence as we have when we're alone.


 * You're not alone [He's being used as a bench for Darwin and Jamie] And this isn't exactly comfortable.


 * What did I tell you?!




 * [whispers] Benches don't talk.




 * Hey, guys.


 * So how long has this been going on??


 * What?


 * No one asked for your opinion, you frozen freak! [Gets off of Gumball] Do you know what happens when you mess with my man?!


 * I think you might be overreacting.


 * I'll show you overreacting! [Starts acting like a monkey, throwing a trashcan at Sarah and passing gas] Yeah.




 * Who does that?




 * Now it's pretty gorilla-ish to me.


 * Dude, she's your girlfriend, do something. Look, if you don't wanna talk, how 'bout you just use body language? It's easy: "I, [no symbol] don't, [heart] love, [Jamie's face and voice] you. I respect you as a person and hope we can be friends in the future. [Throws pebbles] Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye." [Jamie comes back. She has ice cream on her cheek] Uh, you got a bit of yellow on you. [She wipes it off] No, on your hand. [She licks it off] Right, I'll just, uh, g-g-go scrape Sarah off that, uh, general area and take her to the infirmary.



Gym Class



 * Now I can see why you guys don't want to go to gym class.


 * You should see what she does with the lacrosse stick. Wait, what are you doing here?


 * You forgot your gym-dodging kit.




 * Thanks. The less interaction with her, the better.


 * Who is she?


 * Your future daughter-in-law.


 * Really? [Elbows Darwin] Daaaaarwiiin!




 * Are you done?


 * Almost. [Continues] I need to introduce myself. [Runs to Jamie] Hello, young lady. I'm Darwin's father. Listen, I just wanted to say--


 * No, you listen to me, mister. I DON'T CARE THAT YOU DISAPPROVE OF OUR LOVE, YOU CAN'T STOP US FROM SEEING EACH OTHER!


 * What?


 * [mocking him] What? What? You find this hard to swallow?! Then I have plenty more where that came from!




 * How could you let that happen to your own father and say nothing? [Beat]

Apology



 * I mean, if she were a food, there would be a label on her saying "Contains nut". If she were an animal, she'd be a crayfish. If she were a bird, her song would go "Cuckoo cuckoo [pretends to strangle something]".




 * There's a message in there for you about your dad.




 * "Sorrrreeehhh".


 * Is she gone?


 * Uh-huh. And if her spelling were better, she could've spared one of you. [A lopsided kiss is seen next to the "message"] Whoa, she even left a kiss next to it. Who kisses like that? It's like a rap star snarl. Mwah. Dude, for the sake of everyone's safety, can you please talk to her and put an end to this?


 * Mm-mm. [Walks away]

In Class

 * Please.


 * No.


 * Please.


 * No.


 * Please.


 * No.


 * Please.


 * No.


 * Please.


 * No.


 * Please.


 * No.


 * Please.


 * No.


 * No.


 * Please.


 * Bummer. Usually, it works on TV.


 * Darwin. Why aren't you sitting next to me?


 * He is next to you.


 * But he's also next to you.


 * So?


 * "So"? I'm tired of having to share my boyfriend with his other boyfriend.


 * Wait, there's a big difference between a boyfriend and a friend who's a boy, you know.


 * Not to me. Darwin, do you realize how this makes me feel?


 * Mmmm. ["I don't know"]


 * Then I'll show you. Gumball, from now on, you're my boyfriend, too.




 * You may now kiss the brides.






 * You already have a job, your job is to look after the kids.






 * Do you, uh, notice anything different?


 * Hmm. [Beat] You look older.




 * Don't say anything. She has to work it out for herself.




 * [leaving] Okay, I'll just run.


 * No, don't do anything either, just stay here. [Smiles nervously at Jamie]

The Chase



 * Gumball! Come back here! [Singsong voice] I'll make it romantic for you! [Turns all the lights in the hall off. Gumball turns the corner and bumps into Jamie, who's surrounded by candles and romantic messages] Look, candles. Now give me your heart. [Gumball screams and runs away] Wait! How about some music? [Plays "Daisy Bell" and Gumball stops to catch his breath] Sooooo cuuute. [Gumball screams and begins to run, but Jamie's around the corner] Come back; I wrote you a poem! "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're so cute, I could just eat you!" [Gumball runs into the cafeteria and jumps behind the lunch counter] I baked you a cake. [Gumball screams, Jamie smashes the cake, and he runs away] It's delicious! What is it? Am I not pretty enough for you? [Gumball runs into the janitor's closet. Jamie's in it, too. She shines a flashlight in her face. She has purple stuff on her lips] Is this better? [Gumball runs out of the closet only to face Jamie again. She's wearing a dress] Do you like my dress? [Gumball runs away] What? Is it the color? Wait, I got you a present! [Gumball runs into the library and into a dead end]


 * No!


 * Hello, boyfriend. I hope you're ready for your [singsong voice] special present.




 * Somebody! Darwin!




 * [singsong voice] Here it comes!


 * What do you want from me?!




 * I can't do this. I can't force you to be my boyfriend. That's not how love works.


 * Okay, so you're not--


 * I'M NOT DONE YET! If you wanna be in a relationship, there has to be a mutual bond of trust.




 * Okay, so--


 * THERE'S MORE! Love is not something you take, it's something you earn. [Beat] I'M DONE NOW!


 * O-okay, good! I-I only have one question, though. What were you gonna do with the fan and the dice?


 * Nothing. I know people who imagine way scarier stuff than anything I could think of. So I just took any two words together. You, me, a jug of gravy, and an umbrella. A flame and a French horn. A feather duster and a pack of mini pizzas.




 * Stop! Stop, Jamie! You don't understand! Love is not something you take, it's something you earn!




 * YOU THINK I'M STUPID? YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS?




 * [stroking Darwin] You know, dude, all you had to do was keep your mouth shut and say nothing.

[Episode ends]