The Hot Tub Contamination


 * Sheldon: Will you please inform Amy how much you enjoy adhering to a strict bathroom schedule?
 * Penny: Can’t.
 * Leonard: Won’t.
 * Penny: Didn’t.
 * Leonard: No.
 * Amy: I told you, you can’t regulate every aspect of our lives.
 * Sheldon: I can if you’d just roll over and accept your fate.
 * Amy: I’m sorry for bringing this over here.
 * Penny: Believe me, we know what you’re going through.
 * Leonard: And I think the most helpful thing we can tell you is no backsies.
 * Penny: Mm-hmm.
 * Amy: Sheldon, I understand that you like things a certain way and I’m willing to make some concessions, but you have to be open to compromise.
 * Penny: She’s right, that’s reasonable.
 * Sheldon: Oh, look who’s in favor of compromise, the woman that married Leonard Hofstadter.
 * Leonard: Hey, she didn’t compromise, she settled. There’s a difference.
 * Penny: Yeah, you tell him, babe. (they fist bump)


 * Leonard: When you’re going to live with someone, there’s gonna to be conflict. You just have to keep communicating.
 * Sheldon: I’m open to that.
 * Amy: Okay, well, for starters, there’s nothing wrong with keeping our toothbrushes in the same holder.
 * Penny: Sheldon, what do you say to that?
 * Sheldon: I think we should see other people.
 * Amy: What?
 * Sheldon: Well, as a male, I have evolutionary drive to perpetuate my DNA. Restricting myself to a single partner is against my nature.
 * Amy: We sleep together once a year!
 * Sheldon: Don’t blame me. Blame your friend, biology. He’s the pervert pulling the strings here.
 * Amy: You wanna see other people? Go see other people.


 * Sheldon: You know, people are quick to accuse me of being difficult to live with, but the truth is, Amy is just as challenging.
 * Penny: Just as challenging.
 * Sheldon: Yes.
 * Penny: As you.
 * Sheldon: Yes.
 * Penny: Just as challenging as you.
 * Sheldon: When we’re sleeping, she breathes on me. One night, it got so bad I almost grabbed Toto and headed for the storm cellar.
 * Penny: Leonard breathes on me, too. It’s not a big deal.
 * Sheldon: She’s always complaining about people at work.
 * Penny: Well, so does Leonard. It’s kind of annoying, but it’s not the end of the world.
 * Sheldon: Do you know when I get out of the shower, she eyes me up and down like I’m a piece of meat?
 * Penny: You know, so does Leonard. Can’t I just get ready in the morning without him giving me his goofy thumbs-up? “Hey!”
 * Sheldon: I Know. Sometimes I would just like to be appreciated for my mind.
 * Penny: Agreed. Thank you!


 * Bernadette: [hearing the front door open and close] Was that the front door?
 * Howard: [nervously] It sounded like it... Oh, my god. Someone's in the house!
 * Bernadette: Lock the door! Lock the door! [Howard quickly races to the bedroom door and locks it]
 * Howard: We should call the police.
 * Bernadette: I left my phone downstairs.
 * Howard: Damn, so did I.
 * Bernadette: Wait! I have my iPad.
 * Howard: What are we going to do, email 911?!
 * Bernadette: That's not helpful!
 * Howard: You know I rely on humor in times of stress!
 * Bernadette: Let me know when you start because that wasn't funny! [a click and the sound of bubbling water indicates the hot tub has just been turned on; Howard and Bernadette listen]
 * Howard: Is that the hot tub?
 * Bernadette: [as Howard goes to the window and looks out] Who would use our hot tub?
 * Howard: Well, the answer is both... more and... less disturbing than you think.
 * Bernadette: [getting up and out of bed] Who is it?
 * Howard: Stuart. [Stuart is shown relaxing in the hot tub; Bernadette comes to the window] He heard me talking about us going away. I guess he decided to invite himself over?
 * Bernadette: Should we say something to him?
 * Howard: Maybe. How about "Hey! You look like a boiled chicken breast."? [they both laugh]
 * Bernadette: I meant like "What are you doing here?".
 * Howard: Nah, that's not gonna hurt his feelings.


 * Bernadette: [she and Howard are still watching Stuart using the hot tub] Is it me, or is there something fun about watching him just float there?
 * Howard: Maybe this is why people get fish tanks. [the porch lights turn on, startling Stuart] Who just turned the porch lights on?
 * Bernadette: Is someone else here? [Raj walks out onto the porch in a bathing suit and carrying a towel, a bottle of wine and two glasses]
 * Raj: Hmm. Must've left the tub on. Good thing I stopped by. [sets the bottle, glasses, and towel down on the table and gets in the hot tub, which appears to be empty] Ah! [a few seconds after Raj gets in, Stuart surfaces, gasping for air; Raj freaks out and screams]


 * Raj: [to Stuart after finding he's not alone in the hot tub] WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
 * Stuart: What are you doing here?
 * Raj: [glares at Stuart] Maybe Howard and Bernadette said I could be here!
 * Stuart: Did they?!
 * Raj: Answer the question: What are you doing here?! [Howard opens the window slightly]
 * Stuart: I had nothing else to do tonight. [Raj softens] The last couple of months, I come here when I know they're not home.
 * Howard: What?
 * Stuart: They heard me in the bushes once, but they thought it was a raccoon. [Raj looks at him, all confused]
 * Bernadette: [crossly] I told you raccoons don't say "Uh-oh"!


 * Amy: Why is nothing easy with him?
 * Leonard: Look, here’s the thing you need to understand about Sheldon. He’s the worst.
 * Amy: I prefer to think of it as high-maintenance.


 * Sheldon: She has coitus one time and she thinks she is Gloria Steinem.


 * Sheldon: Being with Amy has awoken the sexual creature within. When I see a pretty gal walking down the street, I think “Hubba-hubba” like any other guy.


 * Stuart: You’ve got all your lady friends and…
 * Raj: Actually, I’m single now.
 * Stuart: What? When did that happen?
 * Raj: It’s okay. It’s by choice. Well, their choice, and it’s not okay.


 * Amy: It’s so much easier to give him what he wants.
 * Leonard: Oh, true, but think of how much you’ve accomplished. Who got him to stop Pruelling his pocket change?
 * Amy: Me.
 * Leonard: And who got him to put things other than gloves in the glove compartment?
 * Amy: Me. It was mittens.
 * Leonard: Mmm. And who got him to try a turkey dog?
 * Amy: That was actually Koothrappali, but I did let him spit it out in my hand.
 * Leonard: Look, how can you stop now? That’s like walking out of Pinocchio right before he becomes a real boy.
 * Amy: You know, you’re right. I’m in this relationship, too. I need to stand up for myself.
 * Leonard: Of course, you do.
 * Amy: And if he doesn’t like it, he can move back here.
 * Leonard: Oh, he can try. He’d just need a good locksmith.


 * Penny: Well, who you gonna hit on? The girl in front of us got strawberry. That’s your favorite.
 * Sheldon: No, no. If we both like it, I’ll spend the rest of my life opening the freezer and going, “Aw, no strawberry."
 * Penny: What about the girl behind the counter?
 * Sheldon: Hmm. Well, she spends her whole day scooping. One arm’s probably bigger than the other.
 * Penny: Is it possible you might not actually want to meet someone?
 * Sheldon: You are truly wise.
 * Penny: Thank you.
 * Sheldon: I’d say wise beyond your years, but you’re getting up there.
 * Penny: All right. Come on. What is really going on with you?
 * Sheldon: Penny, I’m going to tell you a story that I’ve never told anyone.
 * Penny: All right.
 * Sheldon: When I was thirteen years old, and on spring break from college.
 * Penny: Not relating. Go on.
 * Sheldon: I came home early because they ran out of math to teach me.
 * Penny: Oh, now I’m with ya. Okay.
 * Sheldon: My mother was at bible study. I walked in the house expecting to find it empty and heard a sound from my parents’ bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman.
 * Penny: Oh, that’s awful.
 * Sheldon: I know. It’s also why I never open a door without knocking three times. I mean, the first one’s traditional, but two and three are for people to get their pants on.
 * Penny: Well, what happened with your dad?
 * Sheldon: We locked eyes, I ran to my room, and we never, ever spoke of it.
 * Penny: You poor thing.
 * Sheldon: Since Amy and I have been living together, we’ve been bickering like my parents used to.
 * Penny: And you’re afraid you’re gonna do something like your dad did?
 * Sheldon: Yes. I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road.
 * Penny: Down the road? Sheldon, she wanted to share a toothbrush holder with you, and now you’re at an ice cream parlor trying to pick up women?
 * Sheldon: Well, anything can sound silly when you put it in that tone.
 * Penny: Honey, instead of worrying about pain you might cause in the future, how about trying to fix pain you’re causing right now?
 * Sheldon: I’m sure you’re right. I suppose I should apologize to you, as well.
 * Penny: Okay.
 * Sheldon: That must have hurt watching me look for other women without ever considering you. Please understand that I think of you as more of a nanny.
 * Penny: Just finish your ice cream so I get you home to bed.


 * Raj: It's getting late. Maybe we should head home.
 * Stuart: Yeah. You're probably right.
 * Raj: You coming?
 * Stuart: Yeah, just give me a minute.
 * Raj: Why?
 * Stuart: You know how you're wearing a bathing suit?
 * Raj: Yeah.
 * Stuart: I kind of went the other way.
 * Howard: [angrily opening the window] YOU JACKASSES JUST BOUGHT YOURSELVES A HOT TUB!! [Raj and Stuart look up in shock to see Howard and Bernadette at the window]


 * Leonard: What do you think?
 * Amy: It’s a nice enough spot. You know, if I’m going to start standing up for myself, this is exactly the kind of thing…
 * Penny: We’re back!
 * Amy: Oh hi!
 * Leonard: Hi.
 * Sheldon: Hello.
 * Leonard: How you guys doing?
 * Penny: We’re doing good. I think Sheldon has something he would like to say to Amy.
 * Sheldon: I want to apologize for my behavior today. It was unnecessary. This is warm. Oh, and also, I am willing to forego the bathroom schedule.
 * Amy: Oh, really?
 * Leonard: Why does he get that? We never got that.
 * Penny: Do you want him back?
 * Leonard: I’m very happy for you.
 * Sheldon: Amy, you should know I was never really interested in other women. And to prove how serious I am about us, I’m willing to take our relationship to the next level.
 * (In the bathroom)
 * Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler. Will you share this toothbrush holder with me?
 * Amy: I would love to. (Places brushes in holder and hugs)
 * Leonard: Did we really need to be here for this?
 * Penny: Call me crazy, but I found it moving.