The ABCs of Beth

1 News Anchor: In local news, child murderer Joseph Eli Lipnip is scheduled to die tomorrow by lethal injection, his execution already drawing dozens more spectators than the death of TV news. Carla? Carla Johnson: The man that once ate his own son Wow. He's really getting executed after all this time. You know the son that he ate was -- Your best friend -- Tommy. We know. Stop true-crime bragging. I was traumatized, Summer. Okay, your generation wouldn't get that. Bitch, my generation gets traumatized for breakfast. It took years of therapy to even process the reality. I mean, when I was a kid, I just told myself that Tommy had gotten lost in the magical realm of Froopyland. "Froopyland?" My make-believe world. I know the name's stupid, but it was so real to me. Aren't you guys supposed to be at your father's for custody weekend? We're not in a hurry. Dad sleeps until sundown. Can we talk a little bit more about this Froopy-- [ Zap, bloop ] Summer: Not the bubble gun! There's no air -- [ Zap, bloop ] I gotta say, I am warming up to the bubble gun. You know, if you're so great at naming things, why don't you do it from now on? -What? -Froopyland. Was it my best work? I don't know. Does it deserve to be shit on creatively? Yeah, that's right. I agree with your look of horrified realization. You can be very inconsiderate sometimes. [ Rattling ] [ Grunting ] Here it is. You know, I collapsed a quantum tesseract to -- Dad, I don't care how you made it. I want to know if Tommy's still in there! Relax, Beth. [ Jingling, crackling ] If he is, we'll find him. He'll be the only sun-bleached skeleton with non-imaginary DNA. Tommy! Tommy! This is a nightmare. I can't believe you used to lock me up in this glorified chicken coop. Chicken coop? Those are procedurally generated clouds, Beth. That river is a rainbow. Literally. Come on, I-I-I put real elbow grease into this place. Well, you're supposed to put elbow grease into your daughter! Gross. Do you think something ate him? Nope. Froopyland creatures were designed to be harmless. He definitely just starved to death. I could have been the one who starved to death in here. What if I'd gotten hurt? God, you're right. I'm a terrible dad. Well, nothing to live for. Goodbye, cruel world! Dad! [ Thump ] Oh, how do you like that? What kind of merciless creator makes the ground bouncy? I'm gonna have to drown myself. [ Thump ] Unh! Oh, no. Oh, the water's breathable? Who went and did that? Oh, whatever. Yeah, whatever. A dad makes a toilet look like R2-D2, and it breaks the front page of Reddit, but I'm Charles Manson because I gave you your own world instead of an iPad. I think the words you're looking for are -- Aah! [ Screeches ] Holy [bleep] [Bleep] This thing has claws! Yeah, I get it. It's a childproof world. No, no, seriously, this hurts really bad! This thing is sinking razor-sharp claws in -- Aah! [Bleep] You've made your point, Dad. Dad? [ Pop, pop ] Ugh! [ Both panting ] Whose idea was this stupid custody weekend thing? I think it's supposed to help prevent abandonment issues. I want to be abandoned. Yeah, I'm talking about Dad. [ Door opens ] Bienvenue a la Chez Divorced Dad. Wow, Dad. Your place looks way less like a crackhouse. It's actually clean, like a cocaine house. Dad, what's going on? I'm simply centered, activated -- [ Glass clinks ] [ Warble ] And telekinetic? Pretty cool, huh? Check it out. Who wants a smoothie? [ Rattle ] [ Blender whirring ] Oh -- Oh, no. Uh, oh, God. Summer -- Summer, can you -- -Aah! -Sorry. [ Warble ] You have much to learn, my Uloo. Morty, Summer, this is Kiara. She's a Krootabulan warrior priestess from Krootabulon. I-I know where Krootabulans are from, Dad. Uh, Chaimuntolo. Chaimuntolo, younglings. Hymencholo. Your father's mind holds love for you. I am humbled to meet in physicality. Dad, are you -- In love with a badass, sexy alien lady? Ha, ha, I don't know, Summer. You tell me. I wasn't going to ask if you were in love since you barely know her. Summer. Kiara and I met on that interstellar dating service Rick was always suggesting when your mom and I were together. And things just kind of clicked. We must move! Our reservation is at 7:00. [ Whoosh ] I hate to see her leave, but I love to watch her phase shift away. I'm sure you noticed what she has three of, but guess what she has two of? [ Screeches ] Oof! All right, knock it off! Listen, I've been giving you a pass because I'm charmed that life finds a way, but -- Aah! All right, you know what? [ Ray gun fires ] Ouch! Oh! Unh! Ouch! God! [ Sizzling ] Aah! Agh! [ Arm clicks ] Oh, Dad, this place is the safest. Best dad ever. Can't you just say, "I admit it, I screwed up"? Uh, what would be the point of that? [ Chuckling ] You can't do it, can you? You can't just [bleep] apologize. Okay, okay, Beth, I'm sorry you think you deserve an apology. [ Screeches ] Hey, don't look at me. You let your kid roll around on the floor of a target, it's gonna get stepped on. [ Screeches ] [ Whir, zap ] Huh. Well, here's the problem right here. We've got a bunch of Froopyland procedural carbons all gummed up and mixed in with real human DNA. Are you saying Tommy survived here by having sex with Froopy creatures, creating Froopy-human hybrid offspring, and then consuming their proteins, sustaining himself with an endless cycle of cannibalistic incest? It's just a working theory. Of course, if that's the case, I expect he'd be worshiped as a kind of god by a medieval-level society of his least-delicious children. Halt! You are now prisoners of our exalted ruler, giver and taker of life, helper and consumer of mortality, dispenser of life -- Yes, if I could interrupt? We're way ahead of the reveal here. Yeah, just take us to King Tommy. I thought warrior priestesses could only leave Krootabulon on a hunt. Mmm. Thank you, sweetie. I hope it's not human season. I'm on Earth hunting the Varrix. I would never hunt a human. Your father and I are soul-bonded. Soul-bonded? Um, does your planet have shorter days, because you guys are moving kind of fast, no? [ Sniffing ] [ Dramatic music plays ] [ Whoosh ] Go get him, honey! She's always hunting. [ Chuckles ] She probably knew a Varrix worked here, and that's why she said the Yelp reviews didn't matter. Dad, do you understand how serious Krootabulon soul-bonding is? Uh, gee, Morty, I don't know. It's got such a casual name. If you want to lecture anyone about commitment, start with your mom. Oh, my God. Dad, is that what this is about? Are you rushing into a new thing to get back at Mom? Every weekend, you two have told me to move on. Move on, like, out of bed. Like, stop using paper towels for toilet paper, not move on into a sloppy rebound. Dad, you need to slow down, rethink this soul bond. Why don't you just say what you really mean? You think it's cool that having sex with her gives me telekinesis and you recognize she's got a hot bod like Cheetara in "Thundercats," but you're grossed out by her avocado-shaped head and blue skin, and you think I want to put a bag and a wig on her head. After all the time and energy I spent teaching you two about race [ Varrix screams ] you ended up racist. [ Whoosh ] Soon your world will be rid of Varrix. Tomorrow, we celebrate. We could take the kids to the water park. We celebrate with a hunt! Ooh. You kids want to hunt? -Yes. -Yes. [ Trumpet fanfare ] All kneel for King Tommy! I'm not kneeling. Suck my [bleep] Well, hello, all! I am the King of Froopyland, but I go by another name, too. We know. It's Tommy! -We know. -We know. I have lived here since I was a mere child. -We know. -Got it. I suppose you're wondering, how do I sustain myself? -Oh, boy. -No, we aren't. I always find the theater is the best way to clarify things. -Ugh. -Seriously? Oh, my God. Players, go! I am little Tommy. [ Crowd cheers ] I am tiny Beth. [ Crowd boos ] Oh, come on. Come with me to a magic land. Froopy: Don't do it! This is my secret Froopyland where I have no rules! I am excited. I am jealous of Tommy's friends and his Nintendo and his dad who likes him. I take it Tommy wasn't class playwright. You want to see the Honey Swamp? Yes! Let's do it! Well, I want to see you dead. Ow, help! I'm stuck! I'm covered in honey. Huh. Well, that's interesting. Fake news. Many nights have passed, trapped in this strange land. I am hungry, and all I can do to pass the time is hump. I will hump this rock. [ Tapping ] I will hump this tree. [ Tapping ] I will hump this beast of the land and put my seed in it. [ Tapping ] I am the first of Tommy's children. Eat of my flesh so you may survive. And so I did. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. Certified fresh. Good -- Good job. Perhaps a demonstration is in order. [ Unzips shorts ] No, that is the last thing that is in order! Ugh. Oh, my God. Poor Froopy character. Leave him alone. [ Shorts zip ] Ahh. Gather round, gang! [ Moos ] Dinner time. [ Splorch ] All right, that's it. I'm outta here. What are you doing? We're in the middle of an adventure. Here's some things an adventure needs, Beth. Conflict, stakes, a way for me to benefit, and, clearly, Morty. But Tommy's still in there, raping Muppets and eating babies. Yep. Luckily, that's not our problem. Time to pull the plug. Pull the plug? We have to get Tommy out of there, okay? We -- We need to do the right thing. Do what you never did as a dad -- Put in a little effort. All right, cut the high-road routine. We both saw Tommy's shitty play. You pushed him in the Honey Swamp, Beth. His very happy life is in your hands. You go save him from it. [ Scoffs ] You're gonna believe a play over your own daughter? Yes, I am, Beth, because you're not my own daughter. Oh, God, yes. I'm one of infinite Beths with infinite fathers in infinite universes. It's called a hug, Dad. It won't kill you. Yeah, don't be so sure. You know why all Ricks made a Froopyland for all their little girls? Same reason I wasn't surprised by Tommy's overwritten, badly structured, cheaply produced flashback. You were a scary [bleep] kid, man. [ Scoffing ] Oh, my God. I didn't make Froopyland to get rid of you, Beth. I did it to protect the neighborhood. Not in a [burps] noble sense. It was just more practical to sequester you before I had to start, you know, cloning a replacement for every less-than-polite little boy or gullible animal that might cross your socio-path. You would rather believe I'm evil than admit that you were a bad father? Oh, dude, no. No, bad father all the way to the max over here. I'm a [bleep] nutcase. And the acorn plopped straight down, baby. Look at some of this shit you were asking me to make you as a kid. Ray guns. A whip that forces people to like you. Invisibility cuffs, a parent trap, a lightning gun, a teddy bear with anatomically correct innards, night-vision googly-eye glasses, sound-erasing sneakers, false fingerprints, fall-asleep darts, a lie-detecting doll, an indestructible baseball bat, a Taser shaped like a ladybug, a fake police badge, location-tracking stickers, rainbow-colored duct tape, mind-control hair clips, poison gum, a pink, sentient switchblade. Hi, Beth, you've gotten taller. Shall we resume stabbing? Has it occurred to you that I asked you to make those things because I wanted you to spend time with me? Has it occurred to you that if I did try killing Tommy, it might be because I was jealous of his family? Wait, what? Why? Wasn't his dad, like, some kind of cannibal? Seems like it must be hereditary. Oh, my God. This is your fault. I am not a bad person. I'm gonna go back in there, I'm getting Tommy, and I'm fixing this! Whatever you say, Stone Cold Steve Austin. [ Jingling ] I don't know why I just said that. Doesn't make a lot of sense, but gotta stand by it. Whatever you say, Stone Cold Steve Austin. I'm owning it. [ Ax swings ] Morty: No, Dad! You're not doing it right! [ Ax swings ] Cutting off their heads isn't doing it right? They're [grunts] clearly regenerative! I-I think you have to stab them through the heart or something. You think or you know? I thought you were the alien expert, Isaac Asi-hole. Don't snap at me! I'm tired! -Me, too! -We're all tired! [ Ax swings ] [ Whoosh ] [ Grunts ] That's the last of them. Tonight, we celebrate. With a hunt? Yes, for tomorrow, we hunt. [ Rain trickling ] [ Clears throat ] I, uh, really have to get out of this soul bond. -What the [bleep] Dad? -Oh, my God! Duh! -Obviously! -Yeah, no kidding! Can you guys help me? What? How? Can I just, uh, tell her it's because of my kids? You know, like, you don't like the shape of her head, or -- That's you, Dad! That's you! You're a baby and an idiot! I think that's been established, Summer. Now help me! First, I want you to admit that you're a closet racist, a beta-male sexist, and you dragged everyone into a horrible situation by only thinking of yourself. Okay. I want to hear you say it. [ Sighs deeply ] Look, I'm a closeted racist, and I'm sexist and selfish, and I dragged us all into my sexist, racist bad things because I'm stupid. Thank you. Now you're gonna help me, right? She just did. Yeah, clean up your own mess. Wait, wait, what? Oh, man. [ Trumpet fanfare ] Tommy: All right, everybody. Next item on the docket -- I would like to have sex with some of you, and then eat the babies. [ Froopys murmuring ] I thought you'd like that. I do keep rolling out the hits, don't I? [ Bang ] Oh! It's the Magic Crayon Lady! Are you hungry? I was just about to make dinner. And by "make dinner," I mean -- Tommy, I'm going to take you to the real world. Well, this is the real world. No, you don't understand! Your dad -- Uh, people think your dad ate you! So? You doy-oy! People should eat people. Just leave me alone! Tommy, you don't understand. I have to make this right because it's my fault that you're in here. I'm Beth. [ All gasp ] -Beth? -The destroyer! The destroyer! Oh, suck it up, Princess Incest. You fell into some honey. Well, it tends to happen when one is pushed into honey. I respect your right to believe I pushed you. Oh, do I get to have that? Is my reality like a little side of fries -- a little Kwanzaa you're willing to slide my way? Yes, because I'm focused on saving your father's life because I'm not a petty piece of [bleep] So, then, it should be pretty easy to say, "Sorry I pushed you. " Real easy and not necessary, since you coming home will save your dad's life whereas nothing is changed by anyone stroking your batshit-crazy ego. Sorry, forgive me. Uh, I've been in Froopyland for quite a while. Have apologies changed? Tommy, I'm sorry you think you deserve an apology. Oh, my God. I'm my father. Uh, will someone just kill this B-word? [ Froopys muttering threateningly ] [ Grunts ] Hi-ya! Oh, my God. I'm my father! Ya! Ooh! Froopy! [ Screams ] Switchblade: It's stab time! Together: Ooh! [ School bell rings ] And that's why one pussy plus two pussies makes a bunch of pussies. Come on, y'all, I'm trying to make this appealing to your sex-addicted lifestyles. Hi, I need to pull Morty out of school. Come on, Morty. Ha! You heard your daddy, Morty. you have to leave school. Wait, what are my values? Dad, what's going on? We're going to Alaska. What? Why? It's nice there. Also, I broke up with Kiara, and she didn't take it well, and she wants to murder you two. What? Th-Then why are we walking? I'm walking because I'm tired. You guys should definitely run. [ Whoosh ] [ Screams ] [ Thud ] Excuse me, I just -- You know what? I'm -- I'm just gonna go left. No, okay, your left, that's fine. Do you know what left is, 'cause -- Ugh! What does your breakup have to do with us? [ Engine starts ] Yeah, we chose Mom hands down. I thought we made that clear at the lawyer's office and in the comments under your weird rant on Facebook. [ Crash ] [ Tires squeal ] She kind of blames you guys for the breakup. -Why? -Why? Because I told her it was your fault. -What?! -What?! Look, I'm not an evil person. I'm just not very imaginative! [ Warbling ] [ Grunts ] [ Metal twisting ] Oh! [ All scream ] Rick: Doo-doo butt Doo-doo-doo -- doo-doo butt No. [ Jingling ] Doo-doo butt, doo-doo butt Hey. Hey. Um, hmm, so just, like, out of curiosity, if you were gonna make a clone of Tommy, what would you need to get started? I don't kn-- Tommy's DNA? Okay, 'cause he, um Yeah, he didn't want to come back, so, um, he gave me this. He gave you his finger? Uh, well, what happened is -- It's okay. It doesn't matter. Okay. This'll take about three hours. Okay. Hey. You want to help? Okay. Doo I got a doo-doo in my butt Doo-doo-doo-doo And I don't know what to do With the doo-doo in my butt But I know that a father should say to you That he's proud of you Doo Every daughter is a doo-doo from a father's butt Biologically speaking, the butt is a nut And every father fathers wrong Ooh And there isn't a song That can change that I am wiped out. I guess I'll turn in. Cool. Dad? I feel like I've spent my life pretending you're a great guy and trying to be like you. And the ugly truth has always been -- That I'm not that great a guy and you're exactly like me. Am I evil? Worse. You're smart. When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal. It grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots just to eat them, not unlike your friend Timmy. Tommy. Yeah, it hardly matters now, sweetie. You know, smart people get a chance to climb on top, take reality for a ride, but it'll never stop trying to throw you. And, eventually, it will. There's no other way off. Dad, I'm out of excuses to not be who I am. So who am I? What do I do? My advice -- Take off. Put a saddle on your universe. Let it kick itself out. I can't do that. The kids, Jerry, my job, and, as much as I hate to admit it, ABC's "The Bachelor. " I can make a clone of you, a perfect instance of you, with all your memories. An exact copy in every way. It'll love and provide for the kids, do your job, and consume broadcast-network reality TV on the same allegedly ironic level as you. You could be gone a day, a week, or the rest of your life with zero consequences. The moment you decide to come back, I flip a switch, and the clone's job is done. It feels no pain, it regrets nothing, and has zero chance of going "Blade Runner. " If nothing matters, why would you do that for me? I don't know, maybe you matter so little that I like you. Or maybe it makes you matter. Maybe I love you. Maybe something about your mother. Don't jump a gift shark in the mouth. I don't know if I can do it. Then stay, and luxuriate in a life you can finally know you've chosen. My secret bonus is that no matter what you choose, you're finally gonna chill the [bleep] out. Okay. I know what I want to do. [ Whoosh ] Aah! [ Thud ] Ow! You can't run forever! She's really pissed off. I know. It's kinda hot. Shut up! The hunters! They're back! Run! -We're not hunters. -We want to hide with you. We're not hiding. We're nesting. Ooh la la. [ All scream ] The children must be destroyed so that we can be together. You need to break up with her, Dad -- properly! [ Whoosh ] God damn it, Dad! [ Grunts ] Dump her! Okay, okay. Kiara, let's just run away. -Dad! -Come on! Just rip the Band-Aid off! Okay! Kiara, when I told you my kids were bigoted racists who were demanding I break up with you, I lied. If anybody deserves to be telekinetically strangled, it's me. I'm the one who wants to break up. I -- I'm not an evil person. I'm lazy, I'm cowardly, and -- and I do not know what I'm doing. Look, I got someone pregnant at 17. We're getting a divorce. None of this is on purpose. I was excited to date someone cool because it would make my ex notice me. I would expect nothing less from humanity -- a selfish, manipulative, dishonest species that -- -Kiara? -Trandor! What are you doing here? Justhunting. Do you really expect me to believe it has nothing to do with us? You knew Earth was my domain. I don't like what you're insinuating. Dad, can we go now? Hold on a second. I'm starting to get the feeling that I was the rebound. Dad, you just got handed an Ex Machina. You're taking it. Varrix nests spread across 300 galaxies, and you just happened to pick this planet to hunt? That's Gorgon shit -- total Gorgon shit! [ Birds chirping ] We're home! Hey, guys! What's for dinner? How was Jerry's? The usual. Can we have pizza? Pizza sounds great. Hey, Rick, did you know my dad was dating an alien? No. Gross. For the alien. Aw, crap, I think Arnaldo's is closed. Are you guys sure you want pizza? [ Whoosh ] Arnaldo's isn't closed in the dimension where they didn't invent Daylight Savings! What would we do without you? I love you, Dad. Love you, too, sweetie. By the way, that wasn't time travel. There were just a couple pizzas on the counter. I grabbed them. [ Beep ] Hey, Jerry, it's Kiara. Listen, my boyfriend saw those texts you've been sending me, and he got pretty pissed off. If he calls you, just ignore him! [ Beep ] [ Beep ] This is Carmox. I have intercepted sexual communications between you and my new girlfriend, Kiara. I am coming to kill you now! [ Beep ] [ Beep ] Rick: Yo, Jerry, it's the Big R. Uh, I killed that alien that was coming after ya. Looking out for ya, buddy. [ Beep ] [ Beep ] Hey, Jerry, it's Rick. Don't be mad. I [bleep] your ex-girlfriend Kiara. Kiara: Who are you talking to, Rick? Doesn't matter. [ Beep ] [ Beep ] Hey, Jerry, this is Michael down at The Antique Phone rentals. Um, I'm gonna go ahead and let you off the hook for the $70 late fee. You can go ahead and keep that answering machine. Nobody really uses those anymore except for exposition on TV shows, anyways. [ Click ]