Bartok The Magnificent

In the Russian woods

There's an evil witch

People only whisper

of her name in fright

Teeth of sharpened iron

Hands that catch the wind

Steals the children sleeping

in their beds at night

She flies in a mortar and pestle

Through darkened Russian skies

lf you see her

running would be wise

Baba Yaga

- Baba Yaga

- Baba Yaga

The witch of the Iron Forest

Her evil is next to none

Baba Yaga

- Baba Yaga

- Baba Yaga

The wolves are afraid to chase her

The wind is afraid to race her

All Russia's afraid to face her

Except for one

Women and children in front.

Gentlemen behind, please. Don't push.

- Plenty of room for everybody, sir.

- Oh!

Now, don't try this at home.

Part of the show.

Totally planned.

Stay with me now, folks,

'cause here comes the good stuff.

Once in Mongolia

I noticed a fire

Whole city burnin'

and the flames gettin' higher

They're yelling

"Save us or we're all gonna bake"

I ate the flames

and then I drank the whole lake

They called me

Bartok the Magnificent

The specifically

terrifically Magnificent

A mammal so inflammable

he saved the day

I tell you, B-A-R-T-O-K

Folks, that's      pounds of pressure.

Go over there at once and put a stop

to that inane little bat.

No, Ludmilla.

Leave him alone.

I like him.

He's funny.

- Your Highness, can you-

- Yes?

As you wish.

Leave him be.

Folks, this here's a dragon,

an exact replica.

tons easy.

A fire spitter.

Kill you with a flick of the tail.

Careful there, sir.

Better safe than sorry.

One time in Hungary

this dragon appears

He's very "hungary"

No dinner in years

And then he grabs me

and I'm practically through

But I summon all my strength...

and using the dragon's body weight

against him, I throw him off me.

And I give him a one to the solar plexus

and a two to the kidneys.

He was deflated

'cause I knew my kung fu

That's why

I'm Bartok the Magnificent

With a " Hah"

and a " Hy-ah" that are significant

That dragon hasn't eaten

since that fateful day

Thanks to B-A-R-T-O-K

Bartok the Magnificent

Undeniably, reliably magnificent

And heaven help

a harpy who gets in my way

I guess I'm just a natural

or so they say

This bat'll

go to battle for you, come what may

- I tell you

- B-A-

R-T-OOOOOOOOO

- O-K

- Great crowd. Good people.

Oh, please, you're too kind.

Show's over.

- Thank goodness.

- Thank goodness.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey! Okay.

Not so fast there, big fella.

Oh, really?

- Why don't you try this on for size?

Abraca- Watch it!

Now, watch very closely.

There's a half hitch.

And here's a sailor's breastplate,

and this one's called

"ropin' the bear."

Yes! Yes!

Hey, thanks a lot, folks, really.

Thank you. That's too kind-

Oh! Wow.

Thank you. That's too kind-

Oh! Wow.

Bravo! Bravo!

Prince Ivan, that-

that is a ring for a Romanoff.

- No commoner may ever wear that.

- Why?

Because-

Because that is

how it has always been.

Well, perhaps it's time for a change.

Ah, ah.

Very well, Your Highness.

- Let us go.

- Thank you for helping my people!

Please, don't be silly.

It was the least I could do.

- Bye!

- Wow. Would you look

at the shine on that?

You can't go around...

giving royaljewels to commoners,

especially street performers.

- You only encourage them.

- Well, I wanted to encourage him.

Ludmilla, don't be that way.

The people like the bat.

Did you see how he made them smile?

- It was nice to see them happy.

- Nonsense.

I thought he was funny.

- Vol, what do you think?

- I thought so.

When the feathers cleared...

and the bat's standing there

holding a chicken-

- That's good stuff.

- See?

Or-When he punched the-

Silence.

Yes, Your Highness, I know.

But one day you'll be czar.

You must show respect

for your crown.

If you don't,

how can you expect the peasants to?

Your Highness,

are you listening to me?

I'm tired of listening to you,

Ludmilla.

If I am the future czar,

then I will do as I choose.

And it is you

who must respect the crown.

My apologies.

One for me and one for me.

One, two, three for me.

One, two, three...

for me.

And one, two, three, four for me.

- And- Aah!

Why do you do that?

I hate when you do that.

Ah, that never fails to amuse me.

- Ha ha ha.

- Oh, come now.

You're certainly not going to let

the fact that I got the better of you...

ruin quite possibly one of

our finer performances to date, hmm?

You were inspiring today:

focused, fully in the moment,

exceeding well beyond

what your talent would indicate.

- Thanks a lot.

- And l-

Well, suffice it to say

the performance of my death today...

would have shamed Prometheus.

Bound to a cliff-

Okay, okay. Okay, Zozi,

with the cliff and the thing. Sheesh!

I wish you could hear yourself.

It's really quite irritating.

Critics.

And what, pray tell, are you doing now?

I'm divvying up the spoils.

What do you mean?

This again.

Why not just pool our assets?

We're always together as it is.

No, no, no.

Fair is fair.

You're not planning on keeping that,

are you?

What are you talking about?

He gave it to me.

Yes, but he's a child.

It is a ring for royalty,

and you should know better.

Yeah, well, maybe I don't.

Well, I can only hope

one day you will.

There we go.

Perfectly balanced,

my friend. Here.

- Perfectly balanced?

- Oh, yeah.

- Both sides are the same?

- Exactly even.

Good. Then you won't mind

if I take this side.

Whoa, whoa.

Wait a second there, fella.

What happened

to pooling our assets?

- Will you give

the prince back his ring?

- Well, what's the hurry?

He's not going anywhere.

Sheesh!

Oh.

Oh, this can't be.

But last night he was

in his bed, and he-

- Have you searched the grounds? And?

- Every inch. Nothing.

- He's gone.

- Oh, imbecile.

Wha- Oh, good heavens.

What is this?

A clue.

We must inform the peasants.

- Good people of Moscow.

The prince has been kidnapped.

- But I know who has stolen our czar.

For she left this iron tooth behind.

Baba Yaga!

- Baba Yaga!

- Oh!

Yes. Baba Yaga.

Can anyone help us?

Think, good people, think.

Who- Who can rescue our prince

from the evil Baba Yaga?

I know someone.

Hey, Zozi,

will you take it easy up there?

Aargh!

Avast there, me pint-sized matey.

Man the helm.

Batten down the hatches.

Rough seas ahead.

There's a storm a-comin'.

Heave ho!

Hard a-starboard!

All hands, clear the deck.

Splice the mainsail.

Enemies on the horizon.

- What, somebody's comin' ?

- Aargh!

I spy with my- my little eye...

Cossacks. Cossacks!

Cossacks! I knew you shouldn't

have kept that ring!

Quick, hide. If they see you're

not dead, we will be. Hurry!

Hurry. Hide.

- Halt!

- All righty. Halting.

Are you Bartok the Magnificent?

Uh, no. No, I'm not.

Never have been.

-Although I hear he is quite gifted.

A real talent.

- Silence!

All right, I'lljust be quiet then.

That's no problem for me to be quiet.

- I'lljust shush it right down.

- What is that?

Uh- Ooh.

That's Bertok.

Bertok the Magnificent.

It's really quite different. I take

my show in a whole nother direction.

You are coming with us.

Oh, no, fellas, I really-

I have a thing-

Okay, then, that'll be fun.

Hello, Your Royal Impressiveness.

Listen, if this is about the ring,

just take it.

Bow before the Regent. Bow!

Okay, there. Bowing, bowing. Don't have

to tell me twice. I love a good bow.

Oh, Bartok the Magnificent,

we're so glad you came.

- Please, l- You are?

- Hmm?

- Our young czar has been taken

by the evil witch Baba Yaga.

- Aah!

Our people and the royal family

have called on you to save him.

- Ah-huh.

- Don't even think-

Go to the Iron Forest...

and return with our czar.

Uh, good people

of the fair city of Moscow,

it would give me no greater pleasure

than to risk my life...

so that I might bring back

your fabulous prince.

I mean that. I wouldn't just say that.

He's really something special.

Unfortunately,

my schedule is extremely tight.

Let's see.

I've got a Hydra in St. Petersburg.

I gotta be in the Ukraine on the  th.

I can't get outta that.

Perhaps I could squeeze it in

when I get back from Minsk.

I assure you,

you will be handsomely rewarded.

No, no, really, l-

- Well, perhaps I could push

the Hydra to June.

l- l- I mean no.

I really- I can't.

Hydra, terrible, eight heads,

flailing about, eatin' people.

It's- It's not pretty.

But thank you. Thank you very much.

Mr. Bartok?

Oh, boy, here comes trouble.

Oh, please, magnificent Bartok,

save my czar.

Don't do it.

Um, well, you see,

it's- it's complicated, but-

-but, um,

- l-

- Please.

- Ah, I'll do it.

- Oh, no.

Hey, come on, huh?

How often do you get to rescue a czar ?

Yea, Bartok!

- Or eaten by a witch?

- Thank you.

Okay, thanks for the send-off, fellas.

I'll... take it from here.

Zozi, how's it going in there?

Uh, listen,

I'll let you out in a second,

but first I just wanna let you know...

what a very special friend

I think you are.

You're warm, you're affectionate,

you're supportive,

honest, thrifty, clean, reverent-

You're furious.

You're upset with me, aren't you?

You're peeved, you're miffed.

You can say it. Go ahead.

You're fuming. You're incensed.

- Bartok-

- Hang on. I'm not finished.

- You're irate. You're beside yourself.

- Bartok-

I mean, literally,

you're here and yet you're here.

You see, the- You get it?

Because you're here and yet-

All right, they all can't be gems,

all right? I'm done.

I believe we should do it.

It was the little girl.

She killed me.

Did you hear the lilt in her voice?

Nobody could resist that.

- I'm sorry. What did you say?

- We should do it.

- We should?

- Yes.

- Now, there's no denying

it will be difficult.

- Right, exactly.

- Even dangerous.

- Dangerous?

Okay, well, then that's it. We're

definitely going to St. Petersburg.

Bartok, these people asked you

to help them for a reason.

Because they saw

something in you.

Is it so hard for you

to see it in yourself?

Somebody needs you

And that's how it starts

Someone believes you'll come through

You're scared

So what

I'll bet you've got

A possible hero in you

It's more than courage

or just being strong

Those things are easy to do

Have faith

Take heart

He's kind, he's smart

That possible hero in you

- Close your eyes

- I think I see it.

You're unafraid

It just might be.

I can almost predict

No more tricks, no more false pretenses

from the back of a wagon.

Maybe I'll save a life someday.

Or slay a dragon

- Somebody needs you

- What else can you do

But take your chances and see

We're on our way

- All right?

- Okay.

A possible hero

Impossible hero

A possible hero

- In you

- In me?

Yes, you.

In me

Gee, who does her landscaping?

Okay, well, it's official.

I'm frightened.

Well, there's your witch's hut.

Gee, looky here.

I'm terribly sorry.

Did I startle you?

Yah, yah.

You could say that.

Mmm.

Now, why have you come here?

l-I've come for Prince Ivan.

Delightful.

And how might I help you?

Well, you just let him in here

to talk to that evil witch Baba Yaga.

- He'll handle the rest.

- And you're certain

you're up to the task?

Have you ever heard

of Bartok the Magnificent?

- Oh, should I have?

- Mm-hmm.

- Do you like riddles?

- Riddles?

- Riddles?

- Could you answer one?

If I do, will you let me in?

Why not? Let me see.

Oh. Ready?

If a section of fence

is   feet long and   feet wide...

and the parallel section

is the same length,

but both perpendicular sections

are twice as long-

Carry the six, plus the two-

What is the key

that will open the witch's door ?

I'm sorry. I lost you there.

What was that last part?

What is the key

that will open the witch's door ?

- I thought it was an arithmetic thing.

- A skeleton key.

That's exactly

what I was just gonna say.

A skeleton key.

Zozi, you jumped the gun on me there.

Come on.

- Ooooh!

- Hey!

Mmm-mm-mm.

Did you hear me say...

you could go in?

You go on ahead.

I'll wait for you here.

- But-

- Apparently, I'm not permitted.

And as much as it might pain me

to not be with you

at this criticaljuncture in your life,

I accept it, fully aware,

as you should be,

that I am with you in spirit.

- In spirit, huh?

- Always.

"Once more into the breach,

dear friends, once more.

Or close the wall up

with our English dead in peace."

Thanks for mentioning the dead, really.

That's real helpful.

- Hmm.

Whoa-oh.

Oh, would you look at that?

Hello!

Prince Ivan?

Anybody home?

Hmm?

Who...

is in my house?

I smell a rat.

A witch's life

is very solitary

No one around

to talk to but trees

So many years

of never makin' merry

But I can feel

a change in the breeze

'Cause tonight there's

no one in the hallway

No one left or right

But my hallways all say

Someone's in my house tonight

No one by my fire

No one sippin' tea

My fire's burnin'higher

Someone's in my house with me

Witches are people

with a magic intuition

And she's havin'a feelin'

that is, oh, so bewitchin'

Even though no one's hangin'

round in the kitchen

We knowthat someone is near, dear

No one in the attic

No one in my chair

But I'm so emphatic

Someone's in my house

somewhere

- Where is he, where is he

- Where are you

You wouldn't desert me

You know it would hurt me

- Where is he, where is he

- Where are you

Little no one

you're through, ooh

No one in the mirror

No one by the door

But I'm gettin' nearer

Someone's in my house for sure

No one small and dumb, no

No one pink and white, hey

No one

here I come, 'cause

Someone's in my house

Someone's in her house

And no one's

gettin' out tonight

- Ah!

- Whoo!

Well, that was...

convenient for you.

- Quiet!

- Okay, sure, whatever you say.

Not another peep.

You broke into my home.

Well, actually,

your big head out there by the gate,

he gave me a key.

Why don't you just hang on to that.

That's fine.

Shh!

Ah, you've come for the prince.

- Ah, mm-hmm.

- But why have they sent you?

Filthy little creature.

Not quite a rat, not quite a bird.

You certainly are not

a worthy adversary for me,

the evil Baba Yaga!

Yeah, well,

appearances can be deceiving.

- I think.

- Yes, they can.

I know where the prince is.

Oh, what a shocker.

Okay, okay, I'll stop. I'll stop.

However, in order for me

to show you where he is,

you must first prove

that you are worthy of saving him.

Oh, listen, I'm extremely worthy.

They don't come more worthy than-

Sorry, sorry. Can't help it.

You go ahead.

Sorry, sorry. Can't help it.

You go ahead.

There are three things

I seek within my forest.

I will tell you

where to find them...

and you must bring them to me.

Quick question. Totally hypothetical,

of course. What if I can't?

You can or you can't.

But if you can't,

you will die not a hero,

and Moscow will never

see its prince again.

Sounds like a real win-win.

When do I start?

You already have.

- I have?

- Head south to the ice quarry...

and bring Piloff to me.

- Bring Piloff. That's it?

Bring Piloff to you?

Nah, it's just I thought

you were gonna say more.

Okay, how am I gonna know this Piloff?

Aach! Go. And tell your furry friend

if he helps you in any way,

you'll both die.

Okay, now, that I really

should be writing down.

" Both die."

It's the little things.

Wind.

Whoa! Okay, well,

I guess I'm gonna go now!

I'll catch ya later!

He's actually rather charming

for an oversized skull,

once you get past

his inquisitive nature.

- Gosh, I feel like we've

been walking for hours here.

- We have.

-I have absolutely no idea where we are.

-Mm.

Not unlike Oedipus,

blinded with his mother's broach.

Left to wander the earth,

never knowing-

- Zozi.

- I'm doing it again. I'll stop.

Is it getting cold?

I must say, it is rather exciting.

The first of three gifts

you must search out and bring to her.

- Uh-huh.

- And I can't help in any way.

That's what she said.

I am freezing.

Why is it getting so cold?

Well, hello there.

Bingo. Piloff.

Aha.

Hello there.

I never get visitors.

This is- You know what this is?

It's a pleasure.

- It's an absolute pleasure.

- You must be Piloff.

And you must be lost.

How delightful.

That's it? A little hike,

some cold weather...

then bring this little thing

back to the witch?

This is gonna be a piece of cake!

Oh. Oh, my goodness.

- Hey there. I'm Bartok.

- Oh!

Sorry about this, my little friend,

but I gotta bring you

back to Baba Yaga.

Ah!

- Oh, dear. This isn't good.

You see, I'm stuck.

- Ah!

- Ow!

- It's unbearable.

I don't even know how long

I've been here. What year is this?

- Oh, boy.

- How's it going?

It's not going good!

Ooh, that tickles.

Pull, pull, pull.

Yes! Yes!

Pulllllll!

It's enough to drive you crazy,

isn't it?

Uh- Oh, boy.

- Whoa!

From the sound of it,

you're making great progress.

- Oh, that was close.

You know, I felt like

we almost had something there.

- Hmm.

My goodness, you are determined.

I love that.

This whole thing is very exciting.

- Okeydokey.

- Artichokey.

My friend, we're going to Baba Yaga's,

with or without the extra baggage.

Such fun.

I'm having entirely too much fun.

Yeah, well, that makes one of us.

Wa-ha!

Wheeeeeee!

Hi-ya!

- Oh, careful, careful.

- Whoa!

- Wheeeeee!

- Intriguing.

Bartok, I've landed and I'm unharmed.

Are you still on the boulder ?

- Um, yes!

- Whoop-de-do.

What a strong little bat.

You're actually doing quite well.

I'm very impressed.

This is one of those days

you never forget,

when everything you wanted to happen

happens, only better.

I'm beside myself.

You know what, Bartok?

You should try

and remember this too.

Yeah, I'll make a mental note.

All right?

Wheeeeeeee!

Ah, talk about fun.

We did it, Bartok.

That was a blast.

Wheeeeeeeee!

Ah! Can you believe this, Bartok?

We dragged this big old boulder

all the way across the forest,

and I pop off ten feet

from the house.

- That's funny.

- Yeah, that's hysterical.

- Ah!

- And where, pray tell,

do you think you're going?

- In to see Baba Yaga.

- Do you have a key?

No, she took it. Ah, come on.

You're kidding, right?

Me me me

No matter how hard you hit me,

no matter how much I hurt,

I'm always good for a laugh.

What am I ?

Hmm. A funny bone.

- Funny bone. Ha ha. Key, please.

Much obliged.

You're really quite good

at solving riddles.

I say, have you heard this one?

- What starts off

in the morning on four legs?

-Ah,you brought me Piloff.

Hello, Baba. I was stuck to a rock.

- Oh, boy.

Ah! Ow.

Uh, uh, uh.

Don't sit.

But I'm tired.

Okay, okay, I'm not sitting.

Okay, okay, I'm not sitting.

Now,

go fetch me the crown

of Oble the metalworker.

Oble? He sounds big.

Is he big?

Enormous.

- He's much bigger than you.

- Piloff!

- Sorry.

- Go!

- But I'm exhausted.

Or if you don't,

Prince Ivan will be doomed.

- Which way?

- Walk east until it's dark.

Then look for a fire in the forest.

That's it, huh?

Walk east and look for fire.

No "thank you" ?

No "nice work" ? Nothing.

Yes, one last thing.

Give me the key.

Ah, but why?

I solved the riddle twice already.

Give it to me.

- Okay, that's yours.

Go ahead and take that.

Sheesh, helping people

sure can take it out of ya.

Good people of Moscow,

the prince has been taken from us.

God willing he will be returned.

But in the meantime,

the affairs of state must continue.

And l, as Regent,

will do my best...

to carry on and ensure the safety of...

and respect for...

the throne... of Russia.

This is ridiculous. I'm out here

working my wings off, and for what?

I tell ya, if I get back

and she dumps this crown into her stew,

I'm gonna have a cow.

- Meanwhile, I ain't seen

hide nor hair of that prince.

Oh, would ya look at that.

He is large.

There's no denying it.

- But perhaps he's friendly.

- You think?

Let's try, huh?

I'lljust- I'lljust shout to him

and ask him if I can borrow his hat.

I'll drop Baba Yaga's name. Maybe

they're friends. What could it hurt?

- Hello, good sir!

Yes, very good.

Uh, we come bearing gifts, sir.

Uh, well, not real gifts,

but gifts of warmth and affection.

In exchange for which we'd just love to

bring your headdress back to Baba Yaga.

Aaba Raaba.

Pee wan foof poo mee nana.

- What did he say?

- I just don't have a clue.

Diction, my dear boy. It can make

all the difference in the world.

- Carry on, Bartok.

- Oh! Ah! Hot! Oh, that's hot.

- It's hot. It's hot.

- Manna ooo boorin eeeeear?

Yeah, you and me both,

my friend, I'm sure.

We just need to get that crown of yours

and we'll be on our way.

- Aah!

- Oopsie.

Ah, ah.

- Okay. Hmm. How about this?

Well, how about- Hey, it's hot.

Hey, hey, hey, hey-

- Hot, hot, hot.

- Yaya. Boogaler?

- Part of the show. Totally planned.

Stay with me now,

'cause here comes the good stuff.

Abraca-woozi!

Eeyyy, boogaler.

- Bravo!

- Zozi, let's roll.

Bartok, he's still coming.

Would you look at you?

You did it! You did it!

- He's something special.

- Quiet, Piloff.

And she drops it in the soup.

Perfect.

Tomorrow is the most

difficult task of all.

Oh, dear.

Hold the onions.

Yeah, that's to go, please.

Ay-yi-yi!

Yaah!

Hey, what's with the ruckus

first thing in the morning?

What happened to a nudge? What happened

to the smell of a nice cup of coffee?

Using only this crown...

and the boulder from the quarry,

pluck the magic feather from the sky.

Okay, let me stop you here

for just one sec.

'Cause it's early,

I haven't eaten in about two days...

and I'm a little agitated.

- But what does this have

to do with the prince?

- Everything.

'Cause from where I'm standing,

I'm just running errands

for your little broth there.

Oh, I am so sorry.

How insensitive of me.

Are you still tired?

Honestly?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Oh, oh, oh.

Are you awake now?

Yes. Yes. You were saying

something about a feather ?

A magic feather.

It floats high in the air,

in the middle of a clearing.

One feather comin' at ya.

-Ah, one last thing.

- What's that?

You cannot fly.

Whoa!

Aah!

- Oh! Ow!

- You can't fly?

Nope. Hmm. Ow!

How do I do this?

Help me here.

- I can't.

- Hmm.

Maybe if I just try- Careful now.

I just wanna-

Ah! Ay, hot!

Oh, I'm exhausted.

I haven't eaten in days.

This isn't the life for me.

Just forget it.

A possible hero in you

But I tried.

I did the best I can do.

We can get along without Moscow, and

I won't let that crazy witch find me.

- Ah, well, thank goodness.

- Huh?

Well, you can just imagine

if you had completed this task,

everywhere we went

people would know who we are.

We'd spend the rest of our lives

running around having to help people.

The incessant grabbing

and touching of admirers.

It's more than one can bear.

Aah!

It certainly is.

Now we can run away, hide from

Baba Yaga for a couple of years.

Which is fine by me.

I'm behind on my hibernating anyway.

Then take the show back on the road,

and you can go on pretending

to be what you always wanted to be.

Besides, this is absurd.

How are you supposed

to get   feet in the air...

with a large crown and a boulder?

You just can't do it.

Well, no, I can't, especially now

that it's all in pieces like that.

It's, um, in pieces. Aha.

But of course.

Hi-ya! Tah-dah!

Now we get the prince!

When is a door not a door ?

When it's a jar.

Child's play.

- Now, open wide. I'm coming through.

Ha ha. I did it. There you go.

Three for three.

You didn't think I had it in me,

did ya?

Now, hand over the prince.

You have given me the three things

I needed from the forest.

But before I show you

where the prince is,

I need something from you.

But how can I know what that is

if you never told me?

Hmm.

Is this a beauty or what?

They don't make 'em like this anymore.

- No, that's not it.

- Okay.

Okay, okay, here it is,

the mother lode.

An autographed portrait

of Ivan the Terrible.

l, uh- I caught him in a good mood.

- No, that's not it.

- No, huh?

Well, how about-

- It's something from here.

Huh.

- Here. Here you go.

- Hey, what's so funny? Hey, stop it.

Why don't you stop laughing

at other people's misery?

- Uh-oh.

- You never told me

I had to give you something.

You're a cheat and a liar, you babbling

old woman with your iron teeth...

and your hocus-pocus.

- It's no wonder everybody hates you.

- Bartok?

- Yeah? What do you want?

- Good-bye.

- Oh, yeah, sure. Good-bye.

- Huh?

Um, what are you doing?

I'm just being a silly old woman.

I didn't mean what I said.

Look, nobody hates you, okay?

I just- l- ah- oh-

I wish I could give you what you need.

Oh.

Oh!

- You just did.

- Huh?

Yes.

The most important ingredient,

from your heart.

And now he is worthy

and so he shall see. Come.

Come. Hurry up, you little rat bird.

I don't have all day.

Whoa, whoa.

The tower.

Uh, you never took him, did ya?

- I never said I did.

- You never took any children.

- People will believe what they will.

- But-

I'm happy to live alone in the woods

and not be bothered.

There. Take this.

You may need it.

- What is it?

- A magic potion.

This will allow you

to be your innermost self.

When you drink it,

whatever you are

in your heart of hearts,

you will become on the outside tenfold.

Wait a minute. You mean, the whole time

I was doing all that stuff for me?

Mm-hmm.

Now, leave me and save the prince.

Um, could l-

Um, how about a- a hug?

- A hug?

- Come on. Bring it in.

A hug?

Don't push your luck, Bartok.

- All right, all right, all right.

- I'm outta here. Color me gone.

Yeah, and now all we have to do is tell

'em that the prince is in the tower...

and, boom,

we're on to St. Petersburg.

- Uh, what are you doing?

- Finding an appropriate character.

Zozi, I hate to break this to you, but

you can't go. They think you're dead.

That is exactly why a rich

and multi-layered character is crucial.

The right wardrobe,

a dab of well-placed grease paint,

and none will be the wiser.

Um, Zozi, just let me go tell 'em

where the prince is.

What if something goes wrong?

We still don't know who took the prince.

Yeah, but- What is this?

- Cabbage.

- Cabbage?

That's your character ?

Cabbage?

Great. You're gonna

blend right in with the crowd.

A big six-foot-tall cabbage guy.

Yes, but what could be more apropos...

than Simka, the Russian peasant woman?

- I'm going, okay? You wait here.

- But-

But nothing, okay?

I'll be right back.

Ah! Ouch.

Ah, brave bat,

you have returned

from your difficult journey.

Healthy, alive,

apparently no worse for the wear.

Our congratulations.

- But where is the prince?

The prince never left the city.

- Never left? I don't understand.

Okay, it's a little complicated

and fairly long-winded,

so everybody listen up, huh?

I left here,

a little fanfare, down into the forest.

Lots of trees there,

some gargoyles, big, big skull.

Solved a riddle, met Baba Yaga.

Not a looker, folks.

Did three tasks.

Not important what they are.

Suffice to say, at this point,

I'm fairly confident of my physical,

emotional and intellectual prowess.

- But the prince.

- Hold on to your britches.

I'm getting there.

Me and the witch, we have a slight

disagreement. Some fisticuffs ensue.

I come out on top,

and she slips me this here potion.

-See?

- A potion? For what?

Well, to be all that I can be,

basically.

Since I did all the tasks,

I'm now worthy of saving the prince.

It- It makes you tenfold on the outside

what you are on the inside.

That's my understanding anyway.

Eh, eh, eh. Look, but don't touch,

fella, all right?

Sounds impressive, I know.

Let me break it down for you.

Essentially, if I ever need to be

more powerful than l- I already am,

I just give this here sucker

the old heave-ho.

Yes, but where is the prince?

Prince Ivan is in the tower.

- What?

- The tower. The tower.

Tall building, just outside

and to the right. You can't miss it.

My goodness. Well, we-

we must go to the tower at once.

Come.

I warn you, if the prince

is not where you say he is...

and this has all been part

of some elaborate performance,

I assure you,

Bartok the Magnificent,

the city of Moscow will have your head.

Tah-dah!

What'd I tell ya?

- Hi, Ivan.

- Bartok?

My prince!

Whew! I got worried there for a sec

while we were climbing the stairs there,

I don't mind telling ya.

You with the talk about taking my head

and everything. Aah!

- I still might.

- Hey, hey!

You imbecile!

What is that?

That- That's a prince?

Very good, yes.

Why didn't you do what I said?

I did. I dressed up like the witch,

left that tooth and took the prince.

And what about him?

But you told me

you wanted him out of the way.

Well, what's he doing here?

Well, I put him in that cage

in the tippy-top of the tower.

How much more

out of the way could he be?

Dead, you imbecile!

Dead is what he could be. Dead!

Dead? But he's the prince.

- Ah, may I interject something here?

- No, you may not.

- Okay.

- I never thought

I'd have to see you again.

Stupid little bat.

It was all so perfect.

Eliminate the prince, frame Baba Yaga,

send a hapless entertainer to save him.

And yet, here you are.

The conquering hero, returning

from battle with all the answers!

Well, all the better.

- Vol ? Get the prince.

- Yes?

Yes, Your Regency.

- You three are the only ones who know.

- Hey!

And none of you will ever

leave this room-

alive.

I'll take that.

Do svidanya.

Poor Bartok the Magnificent.

He's come so far and done so much

for the good people of Russia.

Such a shame

he'll be remembered as a liar.

Ten times more powerful

than I already am.

Tenfold on the outside

what I am on the inside.

- No, no, no!

Help!

Oh, not to worry.

The water will be along shortly.

I'm off to claim my throne.

Mmm.

Oh!

Starting today

they are going to welcome a new girl

Starting today

no more lying or sneaking about

- No!

They'll see

someone lovely as a flower

Someone who is totally in power

Starting today

when the real Ludmilla comes out

Starting today

every rule's guaranteed to be broken

Broken

Starting today

every whisper turns into a shout

Aah!

I feel all my inhibitions molting

More than just the peasants

are revolting

Starting today

when the real Ludmilla comes out

Starting today

is the grand transformation

- Hide, run away or go on a vacation

- Ah

- Starting today she'll be ruling

the nation, no doubt.

- Ah

Oh, yes

And starting today the whole world

will be mine on a platter

Every man on a plate

Kneel, you peasant, you peon

you dim-witted lout

Gee, the future looks great

Now my inner beauty is appearing

I can almost hear

the peasants cheering

Starting today

when the real Ludmilla

Proves she's a ruler

to rival Attila

Starting today

when the real Ludmilla

Comes out

- People of Moscow.

My people!

Oh, my goodness.

Vol, the water's rising. Hurry.

Bartok, help. Help!

Psst! Bartok.

- Come on.

- Whoa.

- Huh? Zozi ?

- Yes.

- What happened?

- Oh, you know, not much.

Ah, Prince Ivan and his guard

are about to drown.

I'm next, 'cause I can't

get out of the cage.

Ludmilla drank Baba's potion

and is about to take over the kingdom.

Other than that, though,

everything is, you know, hunky-dory.

I've got an idea.

Get us up!

Don't leave us here!

- Zozi ?

I believe I've separated my shoulder.

- Hey, help us down here!

- Hurry.

One more time oughta do it.Just give it

a little more, you know, oomph.

Ooh, that's what I've been doing wrong.

I've been lacking...

oomph!

Aah!

Let me ask you. You mentioned

something about having an idea.

Was- Was this what you came up with?

You can be honest.

I may have made a slight miscalculation.

I'm slipping.

I'm sorry, Your Highness.

- Ah, Zozi ?

- Uh-oh.

- Tah-dah!

I'm reminded of Euripides'

character Hippolytus...

whose own life hung in the balance.

Wronged by Aphrodite.

Dying, nobly,

in his forgiveness of Theseu-

You've gotta stop Ludmilla.

Go on.

- Oh!

- The potion.

Not so fast.

Ah!

Hey, you got yourself

one hard head there, really.

- Oh!

"At night the sea began

to rise in waves of death.

"Ship against ship...

the Thracian storm wind shattered us."

Oh, you are very good.

Thank you.

First time I performed that was in '

at the Siberian Greek Tragedy Festival.

- Do more.

All right,

that's enough already with the fire.

Fire! Fire!

The town's on fire!

We need water, lots of water.

This is gonna stop her.

It's time for the "boogaler."

It's good, no?

In addition,

you gotta realize that these are all

a different size and weight.

That increases the level

of difficulty exponentially.

Step right this way.

"The man who is well-minded

to the state...

"from me in death and life...

shall have his honor."

Please, that's completely unnecessary.

Here, dragon lady!

- Zozi.

- Bartok.

- We're over here.

- Aha!

- Hey, where's the water ?

- Yeah, I'm working on it.

- Hurry!

Hey, good for you.

You got it. Congrats.

Oh, hey, hot, hot, hot!

Oh, so close on that one.

Listen, I've been right where you are.

I had a whole thing

with a magic feather.

Oh, oh!

It's frustrating, isn't it?

It's right there,

but you can't get at it.

It's, uh- It's not fun.

Much better there.

Just up a little bit and to the left.

Have a nice trip.

See you next fall.

Bartok, where's the water?

Aah!

Shee.

Talk about your big finish.

They can't write stuff like this.

Well done, my friend. Well done.

- Well, right back at ya, my friend.

- Some wicked witch.

- Yeah.

It was those tasks that helped you

become what you always wanted to be.

- And I never gave her anything.

- What do you mean?

You gave her what she needed most

and what only a true hero could.

Your compassion, Bartok.

You gave her your compassion.

Hey, I did, didn't I ?

She got upset, and l- I helped her out.

Boom! I just gave her my compassion.

Didn't even think about it.

Hah. Well, when you got it,

you got it, I guess, Zozi.

I'll tell you what.

I'm one heck of a guy.

You certainly are.

For a bat.

Citizens of Moscow.

Please stand with me and give thanks

to Bartok the Magnificent.

- He saved us

and we are forever in his debt

Please, it's embarrassing.

- Psst!

- Ooh, I almost forgot.

Here you go.

- But that was my gift to you.

- Nonsense, Your Highness.

Let me tell you

something about that ring.

- That ring is a ring for royalty.

- How's tricks?

- How's tricks?

I think he did really, really well,

don't you, Baba?

Piloff, shh, shh, shh.

Congratulations.

Thank you... for everything.

Yes, well...

fine.

Hang on a sec. Is it me or is there

a lot of love up here right now?

You know what? I think it's time

for that hug I was talking about.

- Again with the hug?

- Come on, Piloff. Group hug.

- Stop it now. Go, go, go.

- Bring it in, everybody.

- Oh, I love hugs.

Okay, enough.

- I'll be seeing ya.

- You can count on it.

- See you soon! Auf wiedersehen!

- Piloff.

Bye, Bartok!

Good-bye, Bartok the Magnificent!

Uh, see you later, folks.