Men in Black III


 * [first lines; a girl in an S&M-type costume with the name ‘Boris’ tattooed on her back, enters a maximum-security facility carrying a cake]
 * Prison Guard #1: Well, well, Boris The Animal has a visitor. I guess one every four years is okay.
 * [the other guard scans the cake]
 * Boris’ Girlfriend: It’s a cake.
 * Prison Guard #2: I decide what it is.
 * [the scan reads that it’s ceramic cookware and organic matter
 * Prison Guard #2: Looks like some kind of cake. She’s clean. Well, not clean, but you know!
 * [both guards laugh]
 * Prison Guard #3: Boris The Animal, you’ve got a visitor.
 * Boris The Animal: It’s just Boris.
 * [to the girl entering the cell]
 * Boris The Animal: Your letters have been a soul nourishing tonic.
 * Boris’ Girlfriend: And you are much more unconventionally handsome than your photos.
 * [he kisses her with his extremely long tongue and the guards look grossed out]
 * Prison Guard #4: This ain’t a conjugal visit, so quit your conjugating.
 * Boris The Animal: When was the last time you conjugated anything?
 * [to the girl]
 * Boris The Animal: I see you’ve brought me a treat, darling.
 * [to the guards]
 * Boris The Animal: Would you mind cutting this up for us? It’s a special day. I’m a romantic like that.
 * [the girl holds out the cake towards the guard, one of them steps forward and sticks his finger out to place in the cake]
 * Boris The Animal: Oh, I wouldn’t do that.
 * Prison Guard #4: Why is that?
 * Boris The Animal: It’ll ruin your figure.
 * [the guard shoves his hand in the cake, suddenly a small spider-like alien leaps out of the cake, shoots spikes into the guards’ foreheads, killing them, it unlocks Boris’ chains, then crawls inside a hole in his palm]
 * Boris The Animal: You complete me.
 * [as Boris and the girl break into the arms room and steal a giant gun, they pass an adjacent cell, one of the prisoners yells]
 * Obadiah Price: Boris, you promised to take me with you! We had a deal!
 * [Boris opens the prisoners cell]
 * Boris The Animal: Obadiah Price. Yes, I did make you a promise.
 * [Boris holds up his hand and shoots him in the head with a palm spike]
 * [as Boris breaks out through to another cell he is greeted with dozens more guards all pointing their weapons at him]
 * Lunar Guard: You can’t win, Boris.
 * Boris The Animal: Mm, let’s agree to disagree.
 * Lunar Guard: There’s too many of us.
 * Boris The Animal: Rather hot in here, mind if I open a window?
 * [Boris shoots a hole in the ceiling, the guards get sucked out into outer space, Boris uses the claws on his feet to hold on to the floor, the girl tries to holds onto Boris’ arm so as to not get sucked out]
 * Boris The Animal: Sorry, darling. We did love the cake.
 * [he callously lets her go and she gets sucked out into outer space]
 * [as Boris breaks out of the prison, he lands on the surface of the moon, he looks straight ahead and says]
 * Boris The Animal: Let’s rewrite history, shall we K?
 * [addressing crowd of people who have witnessed a flying saucer crash]
 * Agent K: Good afternoon. Please give your attention to my associate, Agent J. He’s going to demonstrate an Electro-Biomechanical-Neuro-Transmitting-Zero-Synapses-Repositioner, we call it the Neuralizer.
 * [to J]
 * Agent K: Better keep it simple.
 * [J turns to the crowd]
 * Agent J: Thank you, Agent K. Uh…ladies and gentlemen, if you will, look right here.
 * [he holds up the Neuralizer and flashes the crowd]
 * Agent J: Okay. You know how you’re on an airplane and the flight attendant asks you to turn your cell phone off, and you’re like; I ain’t turnin’ my cell phone off, that’s doin’ no harm to the damn airplane?
 * [pointing to the saucer crash behind him]
 * Agent J: Well, this is what we get. That’s what happens, it gets up there, bounces around on the satellite, and bam! Just turn your damn cell phone off. Now you’re gonna drop off a cliff cause your GPS don’t work.
 * [referring to the donar kebab meat that’s being roasted on a vertical spit]
 * Agent J: Seriously, I’m not even sure that’s meat! I think I just saw a tooth in that thing, or a claw, a hoof.
 * [K takes buys a kebab from the kebab vendor and walks off]
 * Agent J: That does not belong in a pita, it belongs in a casket.
 * Agent K: You know, it feels good to eat in silence.
 * Agent J: But see, here’s the problem. You can’t smell it, because your nose already smells like that, where my nose doesn’t.
 * Agent K: Silence feels good with a lot of things. Did you ever try it, or is talking the way you breathe?
 * Agent J: If you hate me, you should just say you hate me. Don’t take it out on the car.
 * Agent K: You know, I’m enjoying this.
 * Agent J: Wow! Enjoyment. So, that’s what enjoyment looks like on that face. I like that emotion.
 * Agent K: Let’s keep emotion out of it.
 * Agent J: Out of what, K? Life?