A Couple of Skating Fools

(The episode opens on Cow and Chicken's house and cuts to the living room, where Chicken and Earl are watching TV.)

TV Announcer: "Ladies, are you man enough for figure skating?" (The camera zooms in on the TV screen, where a pair of figure skaters skate around on the rink.) "Well, Dan's World of Diapers' First Annual Skating Championship invites you to compete in a World Class Figure-Skating Competition, if you got the guts."

(Chicken gapes open-wide at this and has a moment of inspiration.)

Chicken: "Why, it has been my life's dream to be a figure-skatin' champion!" (He places his hand on Earl, turning to him.) "Come! Let me show you my dark secret!"

(Chicken whisks Earl away and brings him to a hidden room, where he opens the door and shows Earl his figure-skating collection. Dozens of figure-skating outfits, magazines, posters dot the interior.)

Chicken: (cont.) "Earl, dis is my callin'! Underneath my gruff, feathered exterior lies a heart focused on the beauty and grace of figure-skatin'."

Earl: (amazed) "Wow!"

Chicken: (confident) "Earl, we can win dat world class competition!"

Earl: "Yeah!"

(The two friends high-five each other and shake their hands. Later, the camera cuts to a skating rink in town, where it cuts inside to see Chicken and Earl practicing their skating. Chicken is wearing a pink turtleneck shirt, and Flem is wearing an olive green gown, showing off his briefs underneath. Cow is there to watch them practice.)

Cow: (cheering) "OH, SKATE LIKE THE WIND, BIG BROTHER!"

(Chicken and Earl spin around as they practice. Unknown to them, the Red Guy, taking on another identity, watches them with envy (and with Flem).)

Red Guy: (enviously) "Ooh, look at those two! HOW ARE we gonna beat them, Flem? They've got talent, and skill, and all I've got is Flem!" (He drops Flem on the floor, as Flem is heard groaning.) "Hmmm, the chicken is good, but the real genius must be that Earl guy! Just look at those tee-hee-hee-heeth!" (A close-up of Earl's braces is shown.) "Hmmm, with him out of the way, I just might have a chance."

(Chicken and Earl leap into the bleachers for a break.)

Chicken: "Boy, that was great!"

Earl: "Yeah! We're a cinch to win!"

(Chicken grunts and tugs on his skate, until he pulls it off so hard that the skate hits Red's face. He pulls the skate with an impact lodged in his face.)

Red Guy: "Someone lose a skate?" (He hands it to Chicken, shaking it.) "HERE YA GO! CAN'T WIN WITHOUT THIS!"

Chicken: (thankful) "Eh, thanks, buddy."

(He comes up to the boys with a smoking pipe in his hand.)

Red Guy: "Allow me to introduce myself: My name is Mary Lou Hiney, and this is my gentleman smoking pipe." (chuckles) "Galvanized here, of course." (He snickers and taps the pipe gently on Earl's kneecap. It cracks, causing poor Earl to clutch it in pain.)

Earl: (screaming) "AAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!"

(Chicken and Red look at him sprawling on the ground with concern.)

Red Guy: "Why what?"

Chicken: (alarmed) "Quick! Call a ambulance! Earl down!" (An ambulance arrives on the scene outside the building.) "Hurry! Over there!" (Two paramedics rush in to grab Earl on their stretcher.)

Paramedic: "Man, this one's in bad shape. Look at dat face." (They carry off with Mary Lou Hiney instead.)

Chicken: (correcting them) "'Ey, it's Earl who's hurt!"

Paramedic: "Sorry."

(They dump off Mary Lou and carry off Earl this time.)

Earl: "Why?! AAAAHHHHH!"

(Chicken follows them, as the scene dissolves to the hospital, and the camera cuts to the door leading to the X-Ray room, where the surgeon performs his X-Ray on Earl inside.)

Earl: "WHY?!"

(The camera then cuts inside to the X-Ray room. Earl is laid on a bed, and Chicken and the surgeon look at the pictures.)

Surgeon: "Okay, let's take a looky at the X-Rays of Earl's leg." (He puts a map of Cuba and the Dominican Republic on the monitor.) "Jumpin' Grandma on a stick! This is terrible. Cuba is nowhere near where it should be, and the Dominican Republic should not be part of Puerto Rico!"

(Chicken sobs and brings a handkerchief to catch the tears.)

Earl: "What are we gonna do, Chicken? Why? The skating competition's tomorrow. Why?"

Chicken: (desperate) "Don't worry, Earl. We'll find a way to win!" (He slams his fist on Earl's foot cast by accident.)

Earl: "Ow!"

(The camera cuts back to the skating rink on the day of the Figure-Skating Championship, as a blimp flies overhead with an advertisement reading, "Dan's Diapers' Figure Skating Championship Today".)

Announcer: "Ladies and Germans, Dan's World of Diapers welcomes you to the big Figure-Skating Championship! Introducing the elegant team of Chicken, and his partner, Earl, along with his doctor, nurse, and his I.D.!"

(Chicken, Earl, his doctor, his nurse, and his blood bag all skate proudly onto the rink. Cow is there to cheer them on.)

Cow: (cheering) "Yay, big brother!"

(The four friends and the blood bag perform a circle across the rink. The surgeon lets go of the nurse and the blood bag by accident.)

Surgeon : "Whoops!

(Both the nurse and the blood bag fly and crash into a wall. Cow and the audience shut their eyes to avoid the flashing explosion. The doctor lets go of Earl's bed and spins around on the rink. Cow gasps in terror as he, too, crashes into the wall with another explosion. Only Chicken and Earl are left in the competition as he leans Earl up in his bed for a striking pose. He spins around while holding up the bed and puts it down on the ice, yet oblivious that he's thrown Earl out of bed by accident. Earl flies across the rink.)

Earl: "Why?!" (The judge screams as Earl crash-lands into him.) "Hi, I'm Earl."

(The judge angrily holds up a score card with a zero on it. Earl frowns.)

Chicken: (devastated) "We're doomed!" (crying)

Cow: "My poor figure-skating brother! His dreams have been dashed like SO MANY PIES!"

(Red is watching this with glee.)

Red Guy: (gleefully) "Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Now, we've got a chance!" (He turns to Flem.) "Ever since I was nien, THIS IS ALL I EVER WANTED!" (He drops Flem on the floor again as he continues, moaning.) "Mommy and Daddy said I didn't have the FIGURE TO BE A FIGURE SKATER! Well, okay, MOMMY AND DADDY, just watch!" (He and Flem step out into the rink as a spotlight shines on them.)

Announcer: "And, now, Mary Lou Hiney and Flem!"

(Flem giggles excitedly as he takes Red's hand. Red brings Flem above his head, as they jump above the rink, where Flem lands and holds Red on top by his skates. Grunting, he throws Red into the air, where he coos and poses for a few photo shots. Flem skates by, and Red lands back on the rink.)

Flem: "Whee!" (Red then grabs him and spins him around.) "Woah-woah-woah-woah-woah-woah-woah!"

Cow: "Man! These guys rock!" (She grabs a man sitting next to her and shakes him like a rag-doll.) "Oh, I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO TO HELP MY BIG BROTHER!" (An idea pops in her head.) "I know."

(She drops the man back on the ground. Red and Flem do a final pose by holding onto each other's hands, pull away from each other, stretchin their arms, and let go of their hands. The crowd cheers, as the judges give them a score of 9.9.)

Announcer: "Wow! Nine-point-nines for Hiney and Flem! I bet it'll take a ten to beat that!"

Crowd: "Hiney and Flem! Hiney and Flem!"

(The spotlight then shines on Chicken and Earl laying back in bed.)

Earl: (sorrowful) "Sorry I ruined your dream, Chicken."

Chicken: (feeling shattered) "It's okay, Earl." (screams) "I GUESS SOME DREAMS ARE MADE TO BE BROKEN!"

(The announced puts an X through Chicken's name on the score board with a piece of chalk, canceling him out.)

Announcer: "Looks like Chicken will lose to Hiney and Flem by default."

(Cow then comes up to him, as she knocks his chalk away with her udders and grabs the microphone.)

Cow: "Not so fast, announcer boy! Moo!"

(Chicken hears his sister mooing determinedly.)

Chicken: (surprised) "Cow?"

Crowd: (gasps)

(Chicken sees Cow skating out onto the rink wearing a blue figure-skating dress and tutu with red-orange frills. A miracle is born!)

Announcer: "Replacing Earl: Cow!"

Cow: (kindly) "May I skate with you, big brother?"

Chicken: (blessed) "Uh, Cow, I said a lot of mean things like to yas like bein' fat and all, but you're really a big, fat lifesaver!" (He takes Cow's hand.)

Cow: (excitedly) "C'mon!"

(Cow brings Chicken away, as the two siblings participate in the championship. A spotlight shines on them, as they bow to the audience. For their first act, their hold their hands, allowing Cow to swing Chicken in mid-air and let him slide on his side on the ice. Next, Cow leaps in the air and lands in Chicken's arms. Chicken carries her across the rink. Cow then grabs her udders and squirts plenty of milk out to freeze into a slide for Chicken. Cow then puts Chicken on the slide as she giggles. Chicken rockets across the slide, as he slides over the loop, and slides down, where he zooms off the jump ramp formation. He floats toward the ceiling, posing off, and plummets back to the rink. The audience gasps in shock, and for their final act, Cow grabs Chicken and shows him off to the audience, who cheer for their amazing act. Earl has seen the whole thing with joy on his face.)

Announcer: "Do you believe in miracles?! A perfect ten! Cow and Chicken win!"

(The judges hold up their tens for the Cow and Chicken's final score. Red slides onto the rink, feeling hurt.)

Red Guy: (angered) "Hey! I DESERVE TO WIN! If I hadn't clobbered that idiot Earl with a pipe, COW WOULDN'T HAVE SKATED!" (sobbing) "I feel so cheated!" (The audience boos at Red and pelts vegetables at him.) "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! I DON'T WANT YOUR FOOD!" (He then skates away.)

(The audience cheers and tosses flowers at Cow and Chicken once more. Cow holds up a flower and giggles.)

Chicken: (blessed) "Oh, Cow, we won!" (The judge from earlier hands him a bouquet of roses. Chicken gasps.) "Oh, they're beautiful!" (He skates over to Earl and gives him the bouquet.) "Here, Earl. These are for you, too."

Earl: "Hey, group hug!"

(Cow slides over to them.)

Cow: "Oh!" (moos)

Chicken: "Wait a minute!" (He turns to Hiney and Flem.) "Flem, Hiney, get over here.)

Red Guy: (surprised) "Whom? Us?"

(Chicken grabs Flem and Hiney away, as all five of them get their pictures taken. The camera irises out on them, but it focuses on Red first.)

All: "Aw!"

Red Guy: (blessed) "This is the happiest day of my life."

(Iris Out)

(Cut to 'End' card)

All: "End!"

(Black out)