Your Mouth Is Hanging Off Your Face

1 [Whirring] [Theme music] [Whirring] Man: It's alive! [Thunder rumbles] Hey, did somebody down here order a pizza? - Oh, whoa! - Cowabunga, dude! Uh, oops. I, like, left my cash inside. Why don't you come in while I, like, grab it. Oh, bummer! I can't find my cash. How else can I, like, pay you? Uh, bro, I don't know what's happening, but I'm a hard pass. [All chuckling] [Claps] Yeah. Great job, Mikey. That schtick always gets us free pizza. [Chuckles] [Chuckles] Yeah, that was my goal. One day, someone will make me come out of my shell. Uh, yeah, I'm supposed to meet Melanie here? I'm I'm Melanie. You don't look anything like your pictures online. Wait, did you human me? [Music] Happy Easter, kids! And don't forget the true meaning of the holiday chocolate and Easter egg hunts. - Yay! - Who's next? Oh, that would be me. Chocolate and Easter egg hunts, huh? Nothing about a certain someone dying for a certain everyone's sins?! [Bleep] off, man. It's just business. Hey, is there a problem Ow! Ow, my [bleep] hand! [Sobbing] Hey, hey! [Music] [Grunting] Happy Easter! All right! Look, I'm sorry, man. I just I couldn't turn down $300 a day. You committed this blasphemy for $300 a day?! Happy Easter! Ho ho ho! Eggs! We're splitting it 50-50, right? Uh, 60-40, Bugs. I rose from the [bleep] dead. Jeepers, you're Unsinkable Molly Brown. You survived the Titanic! Can I have your autograph? Certainly, my dear. [Chuckles] [Screams] Oh, shit! [Grunts] We can now confirm King Kong fell from atop the Empire State Building, landing on Unsinkable Molly Brown, crushing her to death, and [Gasps] Wait, I-I don't believe what I'm seeing. Rescue workers are pulling a victim out of the great beast's mighty anal cavity. Let's let's listen in. [Squelching, woman gasping] It's Unsinkable Molly Brown! She's alive! What incredible luck for the creature to land on her in such a way all things considered. Molly Brown truly can't be killed. Gee willikers, aren't you King Kong's Butthole Molly Brown? - Can I have your auto - Get the [bleep] out of my face! And I was like, "Unh-uh, my makeup is perf. You're getting a dry handy or nothing. " [Laughter] [Phone chimes] Who is Carol Young? - That's my mom. Why? - She just followed me on Twitter! [Chirps] Your mom just sent me a friend request! She's blowing up my Insta. She just commented on a picture I posted from Cancun in 2015! "Looking hot, chicas!" Sombrero emoji, poop emoji! What?! [All scream] - Hey, hey! - Mom! Get out of here! [Panting] She's coming, she's coming! What are you guys, on roller skates? [Screams] - #Squadgoals, right, girls? - Just kill me now! [Laughing] A selfie! [Laughing] [Screaming] [Smacking] [Crunching, smacking] [Squelching] [Phones chiming] [Horn honks] Ew! Ugh! That young man over there is mooning us. What?! [Squeaking] Ugh! Oh, no! He's full-mooning us, Karen, - I'm I'm a werewolf. - You're a what? Oh, Karen, take the wheel! Aroo! [Music] [Tires squeal] Hey, I've got some candy in my van. You want to come see? Hey, I've got underage boys in my van. Want to come see? Well played. Pick a card, any card. For the souffle, you must make sure to use room temperature eggs. Un, deux, trois. Oh! Hey, you killed my sisters, you [bleep] bitch! [Gunfire] Hi, yes. 30 boxes of Sudasmurf, please. - "Sudasmurf"? - I mean, Sudafed. Smurfed that up. [Chuckles] We don't sell to smurfs. I'm not a smurf. I hate smurfs! What's a smurf? Smurfs are what we call people who buy Sudafed to make crystal meth. We are not here to make meth. We're here I mean I'm here because Papa Smurf I mean, Papa Human Being Person ugh! Has a bad head cold and asked me to smur Ugh! I mean, buy some cold medi-smurf for him! - Nailed it. - Uh-huh. - I need to see some I. D. - Of course. Smurf on a sec. Uh, Handy, smurf me out here. Handy is what I call my hand. [Chuckles] Oh. Here you go. Uh, this I. D. is made of cardboard. Hey, Brainy, smurf him this. [Laughs] We all chipped in and smurfed you a gift. - And, again, by we, I mean me. - Hmm. Odd, but, okay. Got it! Hefty, get us out of here! Whoo-hoo! We're gonna get so smurfin' high! I'm gonna smurf crank right into my eyeball. [Jail doors slamming] Der-di-ker der, der, der, nnn! [Sighs] I don't understand you, sir. You're going to have to return to your country of origin. Dergin do! [Cackling] [Idyllic music] [Chuckles] You know that's a mole's dick, right? [Spitting] Oh, no, it's not. Actually, I'm a mole down here, and I can see clearly that it's a worm! Now get that worm! Get it! Ziggy, we found a way to double your productivity with Silly Putty. Talk about your suffocating work environment. Hey, good looking. - Hey, you look like me. - No, you look like me. - No, you look like me. - No, you look like me! Sometimes it's hard to feel unique in this world. What do you want me to do, Ziggy? Profits are up 1,000%. - And just look at them out there. - You know, sometime I wish the water cooler would make me a little cooler. When I wished for a paycheck, I should have been more specific about the numbers on it. They're all so dull. My God, what have I done?! We have to end this. Burn them. Burn them all. [Screaming] - Ow! - Ow! [Screaming] Ow! Ow! I always wondered what bacon feels like. [Chuckles] They always told me my career would catch fire. - Oh, [bleep], even one's too many. - Whoa! Is this your way of telling me I'm fired?! You just used a fire pun! Just burn faster! [Ziggys screaming] Looks like somebody's got a case of the Mondays. [Music pulsing] - This is a raid! - All: Raid?! Announcer: Fox News has fired yet another host. Filling in tonight, an actual fox Swiper. Caution, you're about to enter the Swiping Zone! First up tonight, the president continues his immigration crackdown, deporting a suspicious senorita. I was born in East L. A. ! I'm not leaving! Oh, no! You can't tell me where to go! [Grunting] Anyway, what's next? Lori? Hey there, boobs. Looking good. Doesn't she look great? I could fox with that. Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! - Swiper, no swiping! - You're too late! [Chuckles] [Music] Little boy of wood and string, for you the gift of life I bring. Hey, that's pretty nifty. Can can you do that on anything? W-What kind of rules are we working with here? Oh. Achoo! Oh, this hay fever is killing me. - Drop the narcotics. - What's that, son? Suspect noncompliant. [Gunfire, screaming] You cannot purchase antihistamines without proper identification. Suspect noncompliant. [Sobbing] Oh, my foot! Okay, I don't need the Sudafed. I'll just go home! Oh, God. Pseudoephedrine is a key ingredient in methamphetamine. You will not purchase pseudoephedrine without proper identification. It's in my car! Please, son, just let me get to my car! Suspect noncompliant! [Gunfire] [Grunting] Whoa, man, this ain't what it smurfs like, man! [Screaming] Suspect noncompliant. [Beeping] Hello, Sarah. [Beeping] You never called me back. [Beep] I miss you. Me-ma, me-ma, me-ma. Hey, ALF, what ya doing? Brian, I'm just listening to some old tunes I wrote - back on Melmac. - You were a musician? Yeah! I even have an old music video I shot. Check it out. [Rap plays] Coming straight outta Melmac That's where I'm at What's my favorite dish? You know it's cat Eat so many cats, my belly's flabby But ALF ain't eating no regular tabby Chomping deep-fried Siberian kitten fritters You eat skinny cats, I like my felines fat I eat fat, bald cats that look like fat ass rats Cat burgers, cat dogs, man, you think I'm a liar Bitch, I once ate a Sumatran tiger I eat cat tail churros and declawed paws I eat kitty soup out of an Egyptian vase While you're all eating alley cats covered in fleas Your boy ALF's eating cats that are Siamese I eat Burmese biscuits for breakfast Short-haired stack for brunch In between a Manx or a lynx to munch Take down a Persian virgin Sphinx for lunch For dinner, I chow on Arabian Mao Even got a snow leopard in my tummy right now So what you know about that? I eat gourmet cat ALF's eating so much pussy, yeah ALF's eating so much pussy ALF's eating so much pussy, yeah ALF's eating so much pussy Maybe that's a good point to stop. Oh, that was awesome! I want to be just like you. That's great! You want to rap? No. I'm gonna eat our cat! Come here, Lucky! [Chomps] Ha! I like your style, kid. Save me some butthole. It's the best part! Ba-bawk bawk bawk, ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk, ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk, ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk - Ba-gawk! - Bawk.