The Engagement Reaction


 * Penny: Oh, my God! You're about to jibber-jabber about jibber-jabber.


 * Sheldon: To a hospital? Full of sick people?


 * Sheldon: I gargled some tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.
 * Leonard: You all right?
 * Sheldon: I'm fine, thank you for asking. I love you so much!


 * (Sheldon has just left the bathroom with his hands trying to avoid touching stuff.)
 * Sheldon: Finally.
 * (Soon, a patient on a stretcher, who is coughing terribly, moves past Sheldon and he freaks out. He seeks refuge into a room, which, unbeknown to him is a biohazard room. When he turns around, he sees a patient surrounded by doctors in Hazmat suits and he knows where he is.)
 * Sheldon: Oh, what fresh hell is this? (turns to leave immediately)
 * Nurse in hazmat suit: Wait, you can't leave here, you've been exposed!
 * (Sheldon panics and covers his mouth with his shirt.)
 * Sheldon: No, I haven't. It's all good.
 * (Meanwhile, Penny and Priya have returned from the cafeteria with their coffees. They were talking about Priya's mother.)
 * Penny: You wanna talk about crazy mothers? Leonard's mom wouldn't give him any sort of approval growing up.
 * Priya: Oh, the poor thing.
 * Penny: It makes him desperate to please women. That's where the foreplay goes on and on.
 * Priya: It does, doesn't it?
 * Penny: It's like he's trying to win a prize. Oh, word of advice, do not dose off, you'll never hear the end of it.
 * (They walk right past the bio-hazard room, where Sheldon is yelling and struggling to get out of there, but the doctors won't let him.)
 * Sheldon: Help me! Come back! Penny!


 * (The scene of Howard, Bernadette, Leonard and Penny sitting together in the hospital waiting room with the nervous Sheldon plodding slowly around the room).
 * Howard: So I knocked down the bathroom door, picked up my poor unconscious mother, carried her to the car, and drove like a madman to the emergency room.
 * Bernadette: You’re a real hero, Howard.
 * Howard: No, I did what any son would do.
 * Penny: Hang on a second, you picked up your mother? Her own legs are barely able to do that.
 * Howard: I was filled with adrenaline. It happens to be how women lift cars off babies.
 * Penny: Yeah, I’m saying, it’d be easier to lift a car.
 * Howard: What can I tell you? After I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable.
 * Leonard: So, how is she?
 * Howard: They’re running tests. I don’t know. It may have been a heart attack or heart-attack-like event.
 * Penny: What’s the difference?
 * Sheldon: A heart-attack-like event is an event that’s like a heart attack.
 * Penny: Thanks for clearing that up.
 * Sheldon: Regardless, coronary problems are eminently treatable. What’s more likely going to kill Howard’s mother are the antibiotic-resistant super-bugs festering in every nook and cranny of this hospital.
 * Penny: Okay, you’re not helping.
 * Sheldon: Disagree.
 * Leonard: Go sit over there.
 * Sheldon: I’ll sit over there, it looks cleaner.
 * Leonard: Is there a history of heart disease in your family?
 * Howard: My family is the history of heart disease. There’s a cave painting in France of one of my ancestors doing this (clutches chest).
 * Bernadette: (she speaks to Howard crossly) So it’s probably genetic.
 * Howard: Well, maybe. Mom also had just gotten some news that might have upset her.
 * Bernadette: (shocked) What?
 * Howard: It’s not important.
 * Bernadette: (he is feeling guilty) Come on, Howard, I’m going to be your wife. You can share anything with me.
 * Howard: You’d think that. But no.
 * Bernadette: You told her we were going to get married and she had a heart attack?
 * Howard: You can’t take that personally.
 * Penny: How else is she supposed to take it?
 * Howard: What you’ve got to keep in mind is that ever since my dad left, I’ve been the whole world to my mother. :mean, she’d be threatened by any woman who can give me what she can’t.
 * Bernadette: You mean sexual intercourse?
 * (Leonard and Penny exchange glances)
 * Howard: Well, when you say it like that you make it sound creepy.
 * Priya (arriving): What happened?
 * Bernadette: (she is mega-fully upset) Howard’s mother had a heart attack because I have sex with him and she can’t.
 * (She is now off the seat and she runs off in tears and Howard gets up and follows her)
 * Howard: (now out of vision) Bernie, wait!
 * Sheldon (to Raj): I’ll give you $1,000 if you’ll drive me home.


 * Priya: Nice of you to come for Howard.
 * Penny: Well, he’s my friend. It’s what you do. (Laughs)
 * Priya: I’m sorry, did I miss something?
 * Penny: It’s just so weird. Howard Wolowitz is my friend. You know, once he tried to stick his tongue down my throat and I broke his nose.
 * Priya: That’s a little easier to believe than he’s your friend.
 * Penny: Yeah, tell me about it.
 * Priya: You know, my brother had a group of friends like this in India. They dressed up in leotards and goggles and called themselves the New Delhi Power Rangers.
 * Penny: You mean when he was little.
 * Priya: Not as little as you’d want him to be.
 * Penny: You know, this stuff is horrible. You want to see if we can find the cafeteria and get real coffee?
 * Priya: Sure. We’re going to the cafeteria to get some coffee. You want anything?
 * Leonard: I’m fine. That’s nice that they’re getting along.
 * Raj: Your girlfriend and your ex-girlfriend are hanging out together? Oh, yeah, that can only be good for you.
 * Leonard: What are you talking about?
 * Raj: One of them broke up with you. Do you really want her telling the other one why?
 * Leonard: I don’t care. I don’t have anything to hide.
 * Raj: Good, good. Then you have nothing to worry about.
 * Leonard: No, I do not. You are a mean little man.
 * Raj: You’d think it’d be because my parents didn’t love me, but actually they loved me a great deal.


 * (The hospital scene of Howard and Bernadette on waiting room seats)
 * Howard: Bernie, it’s not you. She’s just set in her ways.
 * Bernadette: (she's still upset and very cross) How can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother?
 * Howard: It’s the circle of life, sweetie. (Bernadette moves her head around crossly) One day our son will marry someone and it will kill you.
 * Sheldon: Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.
 * Howard: What’s wrong with the bathroom here?
 * Sheldon: Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses.
 * Howard: Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiancée is grief-stricken over putting her there. I’m not taking you home.
 * (Scene of Bernadette looking more crosser at what Howard had said)
 * Sheldon: Will you at least go with me to the restroom here, so you can open the door and flush the urinal?
 * Howard: No!
 * Sheldon: This might be a good time to point out, Howard, that friendship requires a certain give and take.


 * (The hospital scene where the doctor has entered the waiting room)
 * Sheldon: Hold the door!
 * Doctor: Mr. Wolowitz?
 * Howard: Is she okay?
 * Doctor: It wasn’t a heart attack. She’s awake, she’s resting comfortably. We’re still running a few tests.
 * Howard: Can I see her?
 * Doctor: Actually, she said, and I quote, she’d like to see the little Catholic girl first.
 * Bernadette: (she shouts with a quiet shock of anger) Me? Why me?
 * Howard: (grunting nervously) Jews have been asking that for centuries. There’s no real good answer.
 * Bernadette: (she is completely nervous) Okay, well, wish me luck.
 * Howard: (he reassures her) Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Let’s just hide Mr. Cross. (Bernadette sternly walks away after Howard fiddled with the cross her medallion) If it touches her, it burns.
 * (Bernadette huffingly exits and Howard has a thinking expression on his face. The sound of door closing is played to the mystified Raj and Leonard)
 * Doctor: You brought a Catholic girl home to your mother?
 * Howard: Yeah.
 * Doctor: Why don’t I write you a prescription for Xanax.


 * (The scene of Raj reading a magazine in the waiting room at the hospital with Leonard sitting net to him)
 * Leonard: There are a couple of things I did with Penny that might be a little silly, but…
 * Raj: Like what?
 * Leonard: Every once in a while, before we’d go to bed, I’d put on a little show for her.
 * Raj: What do you mean, a show?
 * Leonard: Well, you know, the way I took my clothes off.
 * Raj: Like, to music?
 * Leonard: I’d look pretty stupid if there was no music.
 * Raj: So you’d do a striptease?
 * Leonard: I wasn’t swinging around a pole.
 * Raj: Good, good.
 * Leonard: There was one time I put body glitter on.
 * Raj: Well, I don’t think you have to worry about Penny telling my sister that.
 * Leonard: No, she wouldn’t.
 * Raj: Your big problem is me telling her.
 * Leonard: You really are a mean little man.
 * (Enter Priya and Penny)
 * Priya: (giggling) Oh, God, that’s so true.
 * Penny: Yeah, I know, right?
 * Leonard: Hey, what took you guys so long?
 * Priya: Oh, we were just chatting.
 * Leonard: That’s nice. What about?
 * Penny: We were just comparing notes about how you are in the sack.
 * (both Penny and Priya giggle they now go off toward their seats)
 * Leonard: That’s funny.
 * Penny: Yeah.
 * (both Penny and Priya giggle go off to their seats)
 * Raj: What if she wasn’t kidding?
 * Leonard: It doesn’t matter. I’m the king of foreplay.
 * (Leonard starts to read a magazine on "Easy Home Living")


 * (The hospital scene where Bernadette comes back into the waiting room looking extremely unhappy and most angry from visiting Mrs. Wolowitz)
 * Howard: Hey. How did it go?
 * Bernadette: (she is so angry with Howard) You're a putz!
 * (Howard looks a little shocked)
 * Howard: (quietly) What?
 * Bernadette: (she asks him angrily) Do you have any idea what that means?!
 * Howard: (a little bit confused) Yeah, do you?
 * Bernadette: (she answers him angrily) Your mother just taught it to me. She says she thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she just wanted to make sure that I was OK!
 * Howard: Well, are you?
 * Bernadette: (she's now hugely angry with Howard) No! Because I'm engaged to a putz!
 * (Howard gazes around a waiting room for two seconds)
 * Bernadette: (she is still hugely angry) You let me believe I was the reason she had a heart attack!
 * Howard: Well, sweetie, with the timing...
 * Bernadette: (she yells at Howard for the final time) Shut up! (Howard jumps) She says that I'm a wonderful girl and you're lucky to have me!
 * (Bernadette starts to storm off with even more enormous anger)
 * Howard: Hey, sweetheart, where're you going?
 * Bernadette: (sounding like Mrs. Wolowitz) TO THE TOILET! IS THAT OK WITH YOU?!
 * (Bernadette now angrily opens the door and exits in a huff. After that Howard now turns to the surprised Raj and Leonard).
 * Howard: Is it just me, or does she sound sexy when she's angry?
 * (Raj and Leonard look at each other with distraught expressions at Howard's question)


 * (Sheldon is then shown in a hospital bed under quarantine while he plays Mystic Warlords of Ka'a)
 * Sheldon: Mountian elf!
 * ''(The scene then expands to show Howard, Leonard and Raj in hazmat suits playing with Sheldon)
 * Raj: He takes the elf off the self!
 * Leonard: Hellhounds!
 * Raj: (while singing) Hellhounds, who let the satanic dogs out? who? who? who?
 * Howard: Colossal serpent
 * Raj: Well I got you're colossal serpent right here!
 * (he then grabs his groin with his hand)
 * Sheldon: (looking annoyed at Raj) Must you?
 * Raj: Sorry, I just trying to chill my body up! Rotting zombie, Sheldon's new facebook photo!
 * Sheldon: (still looking annoyed at Raj) Zandor, Wizard of the North. Ha! I win!
 * Howard: Just skip about that part that you were under a two-week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease, absolutely!