Pairing Off

- Richard and Cindy? - Very deeply in love. - Since when? - Lunch. What did they eat? I don't know, but it doesn't look like it was enough. Ah, Mr. Heckle and Mr. Jekkyl, don't we have classes to attend? Mr. Feeny, shouldn't you break them up or hose them down or something? Oh, I wouldn't interrupt their tryst, Mr. Matthews. They're both A-minus students and happily struck by Cupid. So, if they were C-minus students, you wouldn't let them kiss? - School policy, don't you know. - So I can't kiss? With your grades, Mr. Matthews, you can't even shake hands. Just watch, Mr. Feeny. By the end of the year, I plan to have an A-plus average and a hickey. Dare to dream, Mr. Matthews. Holy cow. Jerry and Shoshanna? Deeply. - Has the whole world paired off? - Pretty much. Is there a list posted somewhere where I find out what girl's been assigned to me? You want a girlfriend? No, not a girlfriend, just a girl who's like a friend, but not a girlfriend. - How about her? How about the new girl? - No. I mean, I don't know her. Shut up. Look, I want someone I know, someone who knows me, someone who we know each other, someone like, uh Topanga! Topanga, my honey. - May I call you honey? - No. Topanga, my girl, my friend, my girly friend. Believe me, I don't want this any more than you do, but everybody around here is pairing off, and I think you and I should spare ourselves a lot of uncoolness and walk through life together. Cory, my dear little butthead May I call you butthead? Sure. - I can't walk through life with you. - Is there someone else? There's everybody else. Why? We're already standing together, and we look great. Oh, come on. Work with me here. Cory, when guys and girls go out, first they fall passionately in love. Then, after a week, they hate each other. So for one great passionate week, we'd lose a friendship that could last a lifetime. - I'm in if you are. - Cory, don't worry. I'm sure there's someone out there for you. Gimme a name! - For the record, I dumped her. - That's how I saw it. Well, Dubin's out sick again. Health teacher sick again? Not a lot of credibility. I wonder what kind of creepy substitute we'll get today. Wow. That is no substitute. That is the real thing. Good afternoon, class. I'm Ms. Kelly, and I'll be filling in for Mr. Dubin for the next few days. On behalf of the entire class, I'd like to say stay as long as you like. Now, right now, you seem to be covering CPR, and I'm today's dummy. No, actually, we seem to be up to human reproduction, which I hope we can discuss in a mature fashion. (laughter) Oh, stop being so young. You know, I'm not as young as they are. I've stayed back, like, 50 times. - Really? How old are you? - 24? Really? What are you doing in a seventh-grade classroom? I'm a cop. Sit down. All right, but I'm watching you. All right, who can tell us the name of the organ where the eggs are stored? Officer? Oh, sorry, Ms. Kelly. I don't have that stuff. I can name the stuff I have. Or at least what I call them. All right, the name of the place where the eggs are stored. What are the gonads? No, sorry. I was looking for, what are the ovaries? Oh, the o Yeah, I always mix those two up. Try not to. Your future will be brighter. Can you tell us anything about ovulation or how pregnancy occurs? Well, the man's got the sperm, and the woman's got the egg. Now, once a month, an egg slides down the Philippine tube towards the uterus. The first sperm to reach the egg wins, it gets a medal, it's born, you name him Cory, you push him out the door, and nothing makes sense for the rest of his life. Congratulations. You seem to have a thorough understanding of the life cycle. - Hey, I live it. - Any questions? Yes? How do you get a girl to say hi? Michael and Lisa Marie? - Looks like it. - Since when? - Just now. That was it. - What, that? - Yeah. You saw it happen. - I can't believe it. I saw it happen, and I still don't know how it happens. Stop obsessing, man. You're gonna pop a lobe. You're right. I should relax, 'cause this coupling thing, it's just a phase. I mean, how long can it last a few weeks? The cafeteria's right this way. They know me there. I'll get us a good table. - You would do that for me? - Oh, yeah. I'm very tight with Bertha, the lunchroom lady. Yeah, I once rescued a dolphin from her hair net. OK, maybe it'll last a few years. Yes, I'm acting principal now, and the pressures would be daunting for a man half my age. Fortunately I have a vitality that belies my years. I'm the only one who doesn't know how it's done. Listen, I think I found something that kind of works. - What? - This. Hi, Shawn. - Wow. From across the hall. - Yep, I got a 30-foot range. - What, you just jerk your head? - Watch again. I'm still young enough, I can do this twice in a row. Shawn, it's so strange. I was just thinking about you. And that's without conditioner. Cory, what is it? - You were just drawn to me, weren't you? - No, I thought you had head lice. - Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm great. - Oh, good. - Hi, Topanga. I was just thinking about you. I need new hair. Hi, Mom. This is Rebecca. It's kind of a new relationship, so don't say anything too embarrassing, OK? Oh, hi, Rebecca. He wet his bed till he was 12. Oops. Wanna sit? Hey Weasel, you wanna move your stuff off the table? We gotta cram for the math test tomorrow. My name's not Weasel, it's Morgan. I thought you liked it when I called you Weasel. I've never liked it. You like it so much, it's your name now Weasel. - What an assertive little sister you have. - Oh, it's the uniform. When she takes it off, she has a vulnerable side, I'm almost certain. OK, Morgan, soccer practice. Remember what we learned last week? Don't kick the coach. Hey, before we get started, why don't we take a break? Can I get you something to drink? I got full access to all the major appliances in the kitchen. Aren't you gonna show me your house first? The house? You wanna see the house? Sure. Uh, this is the house. Are there any other rooms? Uh, yeah, there's probably one right through here. Do you wanna? All right. Hey, I was right. This is the living room. This is where we live. And this is the couch where much of the sitting takes place. Aren't you gonna show me the, uh, upstairs? Yeah, boy, yeah, boy, yeah, boy. The upstairs. I love the upstairs. You know, we weren't even gonna have an upstairs, but I made 'em put it in because I knew you were coming. Nobody told me about this girl thing, Shawn. I mean, no one warned me. I thought they were just there. I didn't know they were interactive. You'll get the hang of it. Sure. It's easy for you. Your hair moves. - There's other techniques. - Like what? I don't know. I just do hair. Yeah, but where do I get my technique? Ask your brother. He's got the boom. You know what? Let's just forget this whole subject. There are a million other things to do in the world. I mean, we're too young to worry about finding mates. - You're right. See ya. - Where are you going? Off to meet girls. I've got a 30-foot range. - (girl) Is that you, Shawn? - Get out. Fine. No girls for me. I'll just study and get good grades and get smart and become a famous scientist, and then I'll build a wife. I'm bored. - ( jazz) - What's that? Mom? Dad? Are you home? - Cory, we're studying. - So am I. Don't go, Rebecca. Sorry. I really don't feel like being here anymore. You haven't seen the whole house. Let me take you up to the roof. Actually, Eric, I think it's nice we didn't go any further than we did. - Thank you. - No prob. Why don't we just study together like we planned? - I need to study alone. - So I'll see you Friday? No. OK, then! So, what's new? - I'm gonna kill you. - I have you. I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna bring you back to life, and I'm gonna kill you again. - I have you. - What?! What do you have? You have what I have nothing! You, my boy, were in Mom and Dad's bed. Oh, ho-ho-ho. What was that, the sound of power suddenly shifting? Nothing happened. Yeah, and it didn't happen in Mom and Dad's bed. I have you. I have you by your ovaries. Hey, Cor, buddy, I'm not gonna kill you. That was one of those wacky brother-to-brother murder threats. Yeah. Listen, I'd like you to do something for me. - Anything you need. - Tell me how you do it. What I was doing with Rebecca? No, no, what you were doing with Rebecca, I don't have the lung capacity for that. I just wanna know, how do you get a girl to say hi? - Oh, you're wasting my time. - I have you. Now, ordinarily I wouldn't reveal my foolproof method, but I know I can count on my favorite little brother to keep a secret. I'm listening. - OK, you got eyes? - Yeah. - Use 'em. - How? Look at her. Look into her. Look through her. I mean, make her think she's the most exquisite thing your eyes have ever beheld. - Who her? - Who cares? Pick somebody. Well, how do I pick? - You got eyes? - I thought we established that. Make eye contact. Make her eyes believe that your eyes are interested in her. - So I have to be interested in her. - No, you're overachieving. You only have to make her think you are. So we find, in Fielding's novel, the character Tom Jones is absolutely irresistible to women. - Isn't that right, Matthews? - Uh, yeah, that's right. - What's right? - What you just said. - What'd I just say? - You weren't listening, either? Matthews, keep your head facing this way. Shawn, tell your buddy what I was saying. Uh, he was saying, "Matthews, you're not listening. " Thank you. Did either one of you guys do the reading assignment? - Some of it. - What did you read? I read the page you handed us with the reading assignment on it. - (bell rings) - Yay! Yay! - What? - Oh, uh Uh, I was just looking at your hair. I'm very interested in your hair. - Why? - Because it's it's interesting hair. I mean, it's very exquisite hair. It's the most exquisite hair my eyes have ever beheld. Well, actually, I did comb it differently this morning. So, um, with all that said, would you be interested in going out with me? All right. I guess so. When? - Uh, tomorrow, after school. - OK. See you then. Has a brand-new couple taken shape before my very eyes? What can I say? I've got the boom! (sighs) - What's the matter? - Nothing's the matter. Yeah, you got your, uh floor-length flannel armor on there. - This happens to be very comfortable. - Mm-hmm. Well, you're looking positively Amish. Alan tomorrow I have three busloads of these Garden Club ladies coming to the gallery, and some of the paintings are just a little risquÃ©. RisquÃ©? What do you mean? Like flannel-off-the-shoulder kind of What is with this? Is this welded on? I'm a little stressed, OK? Well, I'm just the guy to relieve that stress. - How's that? - It helps. Mm-hmm. - Ow! - Was that a good "ow"? No, it wasn't you. It was this. Whose earring is this? - Well, it's not yours? - No. Well, I-I-I have no idea. Honestly, I don't know who-whose earring that is. Alan, sweetheart, I'm not accusing you. - Why not? - I know you're not having an affair. Oh, you think I'm safe? You think other women aren't attracted to me? - I haven't said anything. - And, boy, are you oh so wrong. Just today at the store, this slim little blonde with a low-cut dress, she came up to me and asked me if the bread was fresh. Alan, sweetheart, I know there are still many women that still are attracted to you. - You don't sound very threatened. - I'm threatened. I know I could lose you at any moment. - (blows) - Oh, stop that. We just found an earring in our bed. I know a cheap, tacky one, the kind of thing a teenager would wear. - Eric! - What about Eric? The earring. Eric was with a girl alone in this house. Oh, boy. OK, sweetheart, I will go have a talk with him. No, no, no. I will talk to him. I don't want to have any of that father-son winking thing going on. - What father-son winking? - No, I-I don't want to see you go, "Son, what you did was wrong," and then, "Attaboy. " I don't want to see that. - You think I'd do that? - I think you'd do that. Well, I wouldn't do that. That just goes to show you don't know me at all. We'll both just go have a talk with my son. - My son. - Ugh! - Hello. - You want to tell us anything? Uh not yet. Now I got something to tell you. We found this in our bed. What was it you wanted to tell us? I just wanted to say, "Happy Birthday, Mom. " The other one's on layaway. Nothing happened between me and Rebecca, if that's what you're thinking. Why should we believe that nothing happened? Look at my face. Do I look happy? Nothing happened. Well, I'd like to know what you were doing bringing a girl into our room. And don't give us some lame-o excuse like, "She wanted a tour of the house. " OK. We were on the roof replacing tiles when we fell through the ceiling, and luckily your bed broke our fall. Eric, you're in some big trouble here. Hey, go easy on him, I need this brother. He taught me how to get what I want from a girl. - Excuse me? - He taught me how to get a date, - and it worked big-time. - Oh, I see, and who is this girl? - Uh, I don't know her name. - You don't know her name? Not yet, but I'm gonna find out before I make any type of commitment. How can you manage to ask a girl out if you don't know her name? - All part of Eric's foolproof method. - Cory, get the phone. - Oh, Eric has a foolproof method? - Ring! Ring! - Go ahead, Cory. - All right, first you pick a girl, any girl. - Just any-ol-body. - Yeah. Then you pretend you're interested in her. Now you don't really have to be interested in her. I thought you did, but Eric said it wasn't necessary. - Ring! - That's what you told him? What? Does it matter what I told him? I'm dead. You had the big sex talk with him two years ago. What did you tell him? Not that! How can you think I'd tell him that? - Alan, I'm not accusing you. - Yes, you are. You're accusing me of this, and yet you refuse to accuse me of having an affair. That hurts. Cory, I know you look up to your brother, but I want you to go to your father for advice on this subject. Eric has some explaining to do about his own behavior with girls lately. - I know. - What do you know? Pretty much everything. I kind of walked in on them. Amazing grace - On Eric and his friend in our room? - How could this happen? Dad, Rebecca sat down on the bed and went like this Oh, so this is her fault. And you bear no responsibility? - Clearly, I should have locked the door. - Eric, you're missing the point. No, I know the point, Dad. I should have controlled myself, but nothing happened. Eric, Eric, you are in so deep. Dad, I'm sorry. I mean, I'm really, really s You know, for thousands of years, fathers have said to their sons, "Don't rush into sex," and the sons have always said, "Yeah, sure. OK. " I didn't understand my father till this very moment, and you won't understand me till you're a father, which won't be for a very long time! - Dad? - Learn her name! - Yes, sir. - As for you Rebecca. Her name was Rebecca. - Is that all you know about her? - Well, not too much more, I guess. - Does that make you feel good? - No, it doesn't. Eric, every once in a while, let your brain in on what the rest of you is doing. Are you two both clear on this? But if I can't use Eric's method, then how do I get a girl to say hi? - Cory - Yeah? What did you know about girls before your brother's excellent advice? - I didn't know anything. - Why don't you just go with that? Um, ready to go? Look, are you feeling a little funny about this? You mean, about going out on a date? Yeah, because we don't even know each other. A little funny. So do you wanna, like, not go out on a date? - Yeah, it doesn't feel right. - I understand. But we should still get to know each other. Oh, that would be nice. Yeah, because then, in case we ever did want to go out, well, we'd know each other. So, um, how do you want to get to know each other? Well, we could go somewhere and talk if you don't have something else to do. Well, I did, but, um now I'm suddenly free. Great. Let's go. So, uh, what do you want to talk about? Well, um, do you know my name? - Uh - It's Wendy. Wendy. - Wendy? - Yeah? - Hi. - Hi. - Lot of homework? - Yeah, a lot. You? Yeah. Look, Cory, I know I've been forbidden to give you any advice on any subject ever again, so if there's any information you'd like to voluntarily offer about the current events of your life, I'm listening. - How was my date? - Yeah. - I had a real good time. - So, what was your technique? Look, I know you know everything there is to know about women and I don't know anything, so I did what I do best I was real nervous and I nodded a lot. Did she like that? I don't know, but when we were done, I asked her if she maybe wanted to go out again. She said, "Yeah, I would. " Cool. - Cor? - Yeah? So, how did you nod? I mean, was it like this or? (laughs)