The Proton Regeneration


 * Bernadette: [Howard is scarfing down food] Howie, slow down.
 * Howard: I can't. I'm not allowed to eat for twelve hours before my surgery, and I only got two more minutes.
 * Leonard: [seeing Raj eating just as fast] What surgery are you having?
 * Raj: I'm stress eating. My best friend's getting a vasectomy tomorrow.
 * Penny: And you're sad you won't be able to bear his child?
 * Sheldon: [looking at his phone] Oh, my goodness.
 * Bernadette: If it's "vasectomy gone wrong" videos, he's seen them all. Including the one of the guy who's sitting on what appears to be a cantaloupe but is not.
 * Howard: [putting his plate of food down] And I'm done.


 * Sheldon: They're going to start making Professor Proton's science show again.
 * Bernadette: I thought he passed away.
 * Howard: He did. He was cremated, and his remains were put in a baking soda volcano.
 * Amy: Don't make jokes. He meant a lot to Sheldon.
 * Leonard: Yeah, me, too. I grew up watching his show. He's one of the reasons I became a scientist.
 * Penny: Aw. Thought you did it just to get girls.
 * Leonard: Joke's on you. It worked.


 * Raj: You know who'd make a great Professor Proton? Meryl Streep.
 * Howard: She's not a scientist.
 * Raj: Uh, then explain to me why she has chemistry with literally everyone.
 * Amy: It would be nice if they cast a woman.
 * Sheldon: Oh, you've already got "Doctor Who" and the Ghostbusters. Leave us something.


 * Leonard: Who do you think it should be?
 * Sheldon: Well, it should be a scientist I respect. You know, someone with a pleasing voice and symmetrical facial features.
 * Bernadette: Is he talking about himself?
 * Penny: If he's talking, he's talking about himself.
 * Sheldon: I just know how much Professor Proton touched me as a child, and I feel I owe it to him to try and touch as many children as possible.
 * Leonard: [awkward silence] You should put that on your audition tape.


 * Bernadette: [at the urologist's with Howard] You doing okay?
 * Raj: No, I'm very nervous.

[seeing another patient hobble out moaning, Howard stands up to leave]
 * Bernadette: Where are you going?
 * Raj: Gift shop.
 * Bernadette: There is no gift shop. Sit down.

[he sits down]
 * Bernadette: This was your idea.
 * Howard: So was having sex, and look where that got us.
 * Bernadette: This isn't a big deal. Stop whining.
 * Howard: When you were in labor and I said that, you kicked me.


 * Nurse: Howard Wolowitz?
 * Bernadette: Want me to go with you?
 * Howard: No. I'll be fine.
 * Raj: Yeah, we got this.
 * Howard: Sit down! [standing up] Wish me luck.
 * Bernadette: [he heads towards the exit] Other way, buster.


 * Amy: Okay, you ready?
 * Sheldon: Yeah, almost. I'm working on my facial expressions. See, uh, I've got interested. [demonstrating] Hmm. I've got very interested. [demonstrating again] Hmm. And, uh, enraged.
 * Amy: [he demonstrates] Why would you be enraged?
 * Sheldon: Hmm. Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.


 * Sheldon: Hello. I am theoretical physicist Dr. Sheldon Cooper, auditioning for the role of Professor Proton. Now, excuse me while I get into character. [he turns around, then back to face the camera] Hello. I am Professor Proton. And today, boys and girls, we're going to have fun with science. Did you know you could calculate the mass of an electron using household items? It's true. All you'll need is a pencil, some paper, dry ice, rubbing alcohol, and a spool of 50 micron-thick cobalt-60 wire. And remember, don't put it in your mouth, or instead of becoming a scientist, you'll become wildly radioactive.
 * Amy: Hang on. I have a question. Do you have any experiments that aren't life-threatening?
 * Sheldon: Come on! That was a perfect take and you ruined it.

[he does his "enraged" expression]
 * Sheldon: Oh, look! Hey, I did need "enraged".


 * Howard: [at home after his surgery] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
 * Raj: Really hurts, huh?
 * Bernadette: [sarcastic] No. He's just saying "Ow can these prices be so low?". [she helps him into bed] It's gonna be okay. A day or two of rest and you'll be fine.
 * Howard: You know nothing about Jewish people.


 * Raj: [reading a pamphlet he got at the urologist's] Okay, uh, this is a bit awkward. It says here that I need to check the area for redness and swelling.
 * Howard: You know what? It hurts so much, go ahead.


 * Sheldon: [showing Leonard and Penny his audition tape] So, what do you think?
 * Amy: Well, I already told him that I loved it, but if you found it dangerous or confusing or, I don't know, three to four times too long, now is the time to share.
 * Penny: I... I don't know what to say. Leonard, do you know what to say?
 * Leonard: Sheldon, uh, I thought it, uh... it... it looked like you were having so much fun.
 * Sheldon: Hey! That's what you used to tell me to say to Penny after one of her terrible plays.
 * Penny: [hitting him] Hey!
 * Leonard: Hey!
 * Amy: Well, what was wrong with it? You know, did you find it... borderline psychotic? I mean, I liked that about it, but... you guys discuss.


 * Leonard: Do you remember when you were a kid and you'd watch Professor Proton?
 * Sheldon: Of course.
 * Leonard: Well, did he ever make you, I don't know, hate science and the people who do it?
 * Sheldon: What are you saying?
 * Leonard: I... I just think it would... better if your contempt for children wasn't so much in the foreground.


 * Sheldon: You want me to lie?
 * Penny: Well, it's not lying. It's acting. Sheldon Cooper may not like kids, but Professor Proton loves them.
 * Sheldon: Interesting. You know, I really hadn't thought of it that way. It... it's similar to how, you know, I'm afraid of dogs, but my "D&D" character likes dogs, you know? But he's allergic, so he can't be around them.
 * Penny: Why don't we have a dog?
 * Leonard: Hey, you can always re-shoot it.
 * Sheldon: Mm, I suppose. And, you know, maybe I could even get some tips from someone who's acted professionally.
 * Penny: Oh. Sheldon, obviously, I'd be happy to help you out.
 * Sheldon: [more condescending than grateful] I don't know what to say.


 * Wil Wheaton: Hey, Sheldon. What's up?
 * Sheldon Cooper: I need an acting coach.
 * Wil Wheaton: Oh.
 * Sheldon Cooper: Would you give me Patrick Stewart's number?
 * Wil Wheaton: [insulted] No.
 * Sheldon Cooper: Fine. I guess you can do it.


 * Bernadette: Where did you get a bell?
 * Howard: App store. [showing her the app on his phone]
 * Bernadette:: Fun. Let me see. [he hands his phone over, and she puts it in her pocket] When you catch me, you can have it back.


 * Leonard: Oh, boy.
 * Penny: What?
 * Leonard: They cast the new Professor Proton.
 * Amy: Is it Sheldon?
 * Leonard: Not exactly.
 * Sheldon Cooper: [from his and Amy's apartment] WHEATON!
 * Leonard: [turning around back down the stairs] It's Wil Wheaton.


 * Howard: How was the doctor?
 * Bernadette: Good, but I have some news.
 * Howard: Don't say twins. Don't say twins. Don't say twins. Don't say twins.
 * Bernadette: It's not twins.
 * Howard: Oh. I mean, because I would have loved them both.
 * Bernadette: The doctor said I was overdoing it, so she put me on bed rest just to be safe.
 * Howard: Oh, no. [he hobbles towards the bed] It may not look like it, but I'm running to you!


 * Sheldon: Hello, Arthur.
 * Arthur Jeffries: What... what part of "rest in peace" don't you understand?
 * Sheldon: I suppose you're here because you heard the news?
 * Arthur Jeffries: Sheldon, I'm a figment of your imagination. I don't hear news.
 * Sheldon: You're a grumpy figment.


 * Sheldon: They're remaking your show, and they cast Wil Wheaton as Professor Proton. And the worst part is he's not even a scientist.
 * Arthur Jeffries: No, the... the worst part is I'm sitting on a moist log.
 * Sheldon: We have to stop this and protect your legacy.
 * Arthur Jeffries: What legacy? My... my last two seasons, I was on Sunday morning at 5:30. We... we were beat by "Davey and Goliath".
 * Sheldon: I can't believe you don't care.
 * Arthur Jeffries: Believe it!
 * Sheldon: Well, I care, a lot, and Wil Wheaton will rue the day he ever met me.
 * Arthur Jeffries: I think that's true of most people.


 * Penny: Hi, guys. Wanted to check in and see how you two were doing.
 * Bernadette: We're okay.
 * Howard: Yeah, hanging out in bed with my wife, thawing out some frozen peas in my pants; living the dream. [hearing Halley on the baby monitor crying] Oh, I'll get her.
 * Penny: I thought Raj was helping you out.
 * Howard: No, he had to work. Plus, he has a quota for the amount of Indian servant jokes he can tolerate, and apparently, I filled it.