Giants vs. Dwarves

Psst! Psst! Psst! Galavant.

Galavant! Galavant, wake up.

G-Galavant! Wake up!

I have incredible news!

Ugh!

Is that news that you've misplaced your toothbrush?

[Laughs] Zinger! No.

No, you know how today we're heading into the land of the Giants to offer them the Jewel of Valencia in exchange for joining our quest to save Princess Isabella?

Yes, we discussed it last night in great detail.

There's no need for your clunky exposition.

Well, I have managed to trade the jewel for something even better than an army.

You traded the jewel?

Yep. For a dragon.

Can you believe it?

Imagine how our foes will run in terror!

Well, I mean, once he grows a little.

I'm going to call him Tad Cooper...

A name that evokes strength and valor and bravery.

What do you think?

I think you're a complete idiot, and you're taking it back.

Now.

But, no, I ca... I can't.

I pinkie swore and said "no backsies."

You do realize that without a jewel, I have no army, and without an army, I have no chance of rescuing Isabella.

Well... Hey, where you going?

To find the Giants... Without you.

What? Why?

Because I am done.

I am done cleaning up your mess.

I am done telling you that it's not your fault, because... news flash, Richard... it is your fault.

I'm done with your weakness, with your whining, but most of all, I am done with you!

Okay.

I admit, I'm on a bit of an unlucky streak, but I am destined for great things.

You'll see.

You have about as much chance of great things as that lizard does of breathing fire.

It's a dragon, and it can breathe fire.

Show him, Tad Cooper!

Show him.

Come on.

The perfect pair...

A dragon that isn't a dragon...

And a king that isn't a king.

Well, I am done with you, too!

Hello? [Chuckles]

Hello?

Guess I'm eating breakfast by myself, then.

"You can't do anything right, Richard.

Everything's a disaster, Richard.

You've ruined my life, Richard.

That's not a real dragon, Richard."

Well, you know what?

Galavant may not believe in you, but I do.

I super believe in you, Tad Cooper.

♪ Hey, little fella, I know just what you're thinkin' ♪ ♪ Nobody gets you or sees what you could be ♪ ♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪ ♪ But pluck up your courage and turn that frown up ♪ ♪ Soon we will eat this entire town up ♪ ♪ Then they'll believe in my dragon pal and me ♪ ♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo doo doo doo ♪ ♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo, dragon pal ♪ ♪ That's right, little fella ♪ ♪ We'll leave those doubters blinkin' ♪ ♪ We're gonna show 'em a thing or two or three ♪ ♪ Show 'em a thing or two ♪ ♪ Imagine the wonder that we'll inspire ♪ ♪ When we are setting their heads on fire ♪ ♪ Then we'll be even, my dragon pal and me ♪ ♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo doo ♪

Yes.

♪ We'll rise up ♪ ♪ And open their eyes up ♪ ♪ We'll light the skies up ♪ ♪ And rain destruction and death on their wives and kids ♪

Raar! Raar! "Aah!"

♪ So, when, little fella, you feel your heart is sinkin' ♪ ♪ When your feel your heart is sinkin' ♪ ♪ Just you remember, one day, we'll make them see ♪ ♪ Then they'll see ♪ ♪ And when they are watching, completely flipped out ♪ ♪ As their intestines are being ripped out ♪ ♪ They'll all look up to us, then I guarantee ♪ ♪ Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh ♪ ♪ Then they'll believe in my dragon pal and me ♪ ♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo doo doo doo ♪ ♪ They'll believe in me ♪ ♪ They'll believe in...Me ♪

[Men grumble]

I must warn you... I have a dragon.

Galavant S02E05 Giants vs. Dwarves

It's a bold tablecloth choice, but eggplant is going to be the "it" color this wedding season.

Wonderful.

Eggplant. So me.

Oh, I'm ever so excited about my special day.

Aww.

Barry...

Place the order.

My plan is working to perfection.

It appears so, sir.

Once Isabella becomes queen, you will be the most powerful man in all of Hortensia.

No.

Why, the wedding plan, you twit.

Do you think I'd discuss the evil plans so publicly?

This is why I thought we agreed to call one "the plan" and the other "the plot" to avoid these kind of mix-ups.

Barry, what is so hard to understand?

We have two plans, right?

One's evil and the other...

Sorry. [Chuckles] Moving on.

Um, we have a serious issue to discuss.

We've had most of the RSVPs, except a Princess Jubilee.

I need to know if she's coming.

Just mark her as a "yes" and order the steak.

I'm not paying, so I don't care.

Really?

Well, I do care, sir.

[Fingers snap]

Barry, go on. Tell them the mirror idea.

He's going to hand-draw each guest's name and table number on a fancy mirror.

Way to undersell it, Barry.

It's a masterstroke.

It's both functional and a work of art, but it'll all be for naught if the guest list isn't finalized.

Why don't you just make place cards?

Place cards? Place cards?

Madam, am I planning a royal wedding or a medical convention?

Isabella, you think my mirror is a good idea, don't you?

Oh, yes. It's a masterstroke.

Okay, Mr. Wormwood, I don't know what you're up to, but my daughter has been acting very strangely since you arrived, and I have had enough.

Isabella, seems your mother doesn't want your wedding to be perfect.

Perhaps she should be somewhere else.

You know, somewhere secure... And damp. Hmm?

Somewhere dungeonesque? A dungeon?

♪ Send her to the dungeon ♪

Send her to the dungeon!

No one ruins my special day.

Guards!

Guard: I hate the dungeon.

Oh, isn't it lovely to be working with a client who just...

Gets it?

♪

[Thuds]

Andre: [Echoing] Who goes there?

Oh, thank goodness. Giants.

I've been looking for you everywhere!

State your business, wee man.

I'm Galavant.

I need an army, and I'm told your people are among the fiercest warriors in the land.

"Among"?

We are giants, with fists the size of pumpkins.

Pumpkins, good.

And heads so big, they blot out the sun.

Perfect.

You've come to the right place.

'Cause we love a good war. Don't we, fellas?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Hush!

Titan, Colossus, pull him out of there!

[Footstep thuds]

[Grunts]

This is great. Thank you so much.

Hi. Galavant.

I'm...

Hello.

I'm so sorry.

Aren't you supposed to be...Taller?

I mean, not to be rude, but you did say that your heads blocked out the sun.

Yes, they do block out the sun.

You've got to catch it at the right angle.

Sorry. Can I, uh, just...

Here?

Uh...There.

Complete darkness.

Mm.

Are you sure that you're Giants?

Of course we are giants.

Just very short giants is all.

Fee fie fo fum.

Yeah.

Well said, Titan.

We will join you on your quest...

On one condition.

There's always a condition. Yeah. Go on.

You must prove your loyalty by helping us fight our most hated enemy...

The Dwarves!

Yeah!

Stinkin', tiny, awful, high-pitched-voiced Dwarves.

Right again, Titan.

Tonight, we meet to set the rules of battle, and tomorrow, we fight.

So, what do you say?

It shouldn't take long.

They're only very small.

[Laughter]

Stop laughing!

Yeah. Why not? I'm desperate.

Let's do this.

[All cheer]

♪

There's something different about you lately.

I mean, you've only punched a couple of people today, and I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like you took a bath.

What's going on?

All right, I'll tell you. I think I'm in love.

Oh, Gareth, that's wonderful.

Is it the executioner's daughter?

You know, the one who hangs on their legs if the noose doesn't quite do the trick.

Loretta?

Yeah.

She is something.

Heavy as an iron pot.

But she don't compare to my girl.

There she is.

[Bird chirps]

Hey, Gar!

Thanks again for the flowers.

Queen Madalena?

But we agreed she's the worst!

Yeah.

[Sighs]

♪

The Dwarves approach!

Oy, all right, lads.

Remember, keep your cool.

This is just a pre-fight meeting.

We save the killing for tomorrow.

[Growling] Yeah.

Do you mind if I just ask what started the feud with the Dwarves?

[Giants grumble]

Must you grumble every time I saw "Dwarves"?

[Giants grumble louder]

Give it a rest!

Started generations ago.

We were building a bridge to unite our two peoples...

Half by us and half by them.

When the day came to unveil the bridge, they had built their side too low.

And those whiny little bitches blamed us for building our side too high.

We have been at war ever since.

[Dwarves grumbling]

Oh, come on.

These aren't dwarves.

We are, too. We're very tall dwarves.

Oh, you've got to be kidding.

Look at their hideous little bodies.

[Giants chortle]

Hideous?

You are the same height!

You could literally be brothers.

Spoken like a true giant.

A giant jerkface, that is.

Hello, Galavant.

You're looking well.

I saw you this morning, you idiot.

I thought I got rid of you.

You thought wrong, then, didn't you?

It's fitting to see you take up with the Giants, considering you're a humongous blowhard.

[Laughter and cheering]

Well, then, I think it's rather fitting that you've fallen in with the Dwarves, considering you've been of little use to me.

[Giants cheering] Oh, no, he didn't!

Forget the meeting! Let's go now!

[All shouting]

Stop!

Guys, a word?

What the hell is going on?

You desert me at camp, I spend the whole day tracking you, only to find you're about to join a battle between two groups of very similar 5'10" men.

He lost the Jewel of Valencia!

He doesn't believe in my dragon!

Wait. Wh... dragon? [Scoffs]

I'm... I'm sorry, that's...Not a lizard?

Don't. Not you, too.

Look, my point is, these guys seem really serious about killing each other.

Don't you see how ridiculous this is?

Do you really want to die...

In a battle this ludicrous?

If it gives me a shot at Richard, yes.

Ditto, big boy!

Let's go to war!

Tomorrow, we fight... Giants versus Dwarves.

[All shouting]

Billy, Billy. Billy, you're a giant. Come on.

So, hey, have you, um... By any chance told Queen Madalena how you feel about her?

Gonna do it tonight.

Great.

Or... and just thinking out loud here...

What i... What if you don't?

What are you trying to say?

There's something I need to say, but before I do, have you ever heard of the Bro Code?

Is that a black thing?

It means, "what's said between guys stays between guys."

Look, don't fall in love with the queen.

She's bad news.

Think about her last three relationships.

They ended in betrayal, exile, and murder.

She will rip your heart out, and I don't mean symbolically.

[Sighs]

Yeah, you're right.

But she's so skinny and mean.

Just blinded me.

Thanks for having my back.

Hey, it's what friends are for.

Friends? You think we're friends?

Well, I'm a little worried that if I give you the wrong answer, you'll kill me right where I sit, but...

Yeah, I've come to consider you a friend.

Well, to friends, then.

[Chuckles nervously]

♪

I present Princess Isabella of Hortensia!

Oh. [Chuckles]

I-I'm sorry.

I'm looking for a Princess.

Princess Jubilee?

And you found her.

How's it hanging?

[Chuckles nervously] Hello.

My wedding planner asked me to find out why you haven't RSVP'd to my fabulous wedding.

And why would I want to do that?

Because it's a wedding and we're princesses?

[Laughter]

Oh, honey, wake up and smell my unshaved armpit.

[Wicked laughter]

♪ ♪ I like to eat meat ♪ ♪ Swill booze ♪ ♪ Wake up with brand-new tattoos ♪ ♪ I like to talk loud ♪ ♪ Play rough ♪ ♪ I ain't got time for that girly-girl stuff ♪ ♪ I'm a different kind of princess ♪ ♪ Can't you see? ♪ ♪ I don't lift my pinkie when I'm sippin' tea ♪ ♪ I'm a different kind of princess ♪ ♪ Got no class ♪ ♪ And if you don't like it, kiss my ♪ ♪ Royal a-a-a-a-a-ass ♪

Princess, that's not very ladylike.

Oh, from what I've heard, you didn't used to be, either.

♪ I like to live fast ♪ ♪ Make noise ♪ ♪ Swap spit with both girls and boys ♪ ♪ I like to start fights ♪ ♪ Make a big mess ♪ ♪ But this is one damsel who ain't in distress ♪ ♪ I'm a different kind of Princess ♪ ♪ Don't you think? ♪ ♪ I don't wear glitter, and I don't like pink ♪ ♪ I'm a different kind of princess ♪ ♪ Got no gown ♪ ♪ But that ain't stoppin' anyone from bowin' do-o-o-o-wn ♪ ♪ I'm a different kind of princess ♪ ♪ No one's fool ♪ ♪ And if you're my kind of princess ♪ ♪ Be that kind of princess ♪ ♪ Free your inner princess ♪

[Belches]

♪ And you will ru-u-u-u-u-u-le ♪

What happened to me?

Ohh. Where am I?

[Laughs wickedly]

Oh, wow.

[Whistling]

[Fingers snapping]

[Whistling continues]

♪ Let's go and pop a few Giants ♪ ♪ Kick some Gargantuan butt ♪ ♪ Hack out those huge knobby kneecaps ♪ ♪ And make them keep their big mouths shut ♪ ♪ Someone ♪ ♪ Has got to cut them down to size ♪ ♪ Someone ♪ ♪ And we're the ones who will climb them ♪ ♪ And slap their fat faces ♪ ♪ Let's mess a whole bunch of Dwarves up ♪ ♪ Stomp on those wee little tots ♪ ♪ Laugh at their wee little biceps ♪ ♪ And itsy-bitsy you-know-whats ♪ ♪ Someone ♪ ♪ Should punch their beady little eyes ♪ ♪ Someone ♪ ♪ When we're done squishing the runts ♪ ♪ There won't be any traces ♪ ♪ Listen, people ♪ ♪ There's no need to fight ♪ ♪ Holy freakin' cow ♪ ♪ You're the same damn height ♪ ♪ Dwarf or Giant ♪ ♪ Both will die tonight ♪ ♪ There must be a way I can make things right ♪ ♪ It's time to finish the Dwarves off ♪ ♪ It's time to take down the Giants ♪ ♪ There's no need to fight ♪ ♪ Rip out their teeth and their eardrums ♪ ♪ Kidneys and tonsils and livers ♪ ♪ You're the same damn height ♪ ♪ Gonna cream those Giants ♪ ♪ Dwarves ♪ ♪ We really, really hate those guys ♪ ♪ You're just the same ♪ ♪ Really hate those Giants ♪ ♪ Dwarves ♪ ♪ Let's put 'em in their places ♪ ♪ I'm gonna kill me a Giant ♪ ♪ Bring it ♪

[Whistles]

♪ You dwarf ♪

[All shouting]

Take that, you dwarf!

I'm a Giant!

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Yaah!

Ohh! What the... I'm a Dwarf!

Oh. My bad.

[Shouting continues]

Everyone... time-out!

Show of hands... Who here's a Dwarf?

Right. And who's a Giant?

[Body thuds]

Well, this isn't going to work.

Okay, okay. Let's go shirts and skins.

[Horse whinnies]

[Crashing]

Roberta, what are you doing?

Fixing the bridge.

You're fighting over nothing.

[Horse nickers]

You've been so busy arguing this whole journey that you can't see that you actually need each other.

Ha! Please. I do not need him.

What's been your sole purpose this entire time, huh?

Been trying to rouse an army to rescue Isabella.

Mm. And how many men have you got to join your quest?

One.

You got someone to join you?

Who is it? Do I know him?

You, Richard. She's talking about you.

Oh.

[Sighs] Roberta's right.

I'm sorry. I've been using so many horrible words to describe you that...

I've forgotten the one that describes you best.

"Musky"?

Loyal.

Forgive me.

Rejoin my quest.

It would be my honor.

But first, I must ask...

Do you believe that Tad Cooper is actually a dragon?

[Sighs]

I believe...

You believe he is.

I knew it. Do you hear that?

He believes in us, Tad Cooper.

Right, well, now all the fighting's over, off to Hortensia.

Actually, I think we need to bow out.

Before we do any more fighting, I think there's a certain bridge that needs our attention.

What say you, Giant?

Right you are, Dwarf.

Right you are.

Now, give me that little hand of yours.

[All cheering]

♪

Hey, there, friend.

Got a pair of tickets to tonight's joust.

Third row. Want to go?

Last time I sat there, I caught a tooth...

And I still have it.

No, thanks.

But you love violence.

Yeah, I know, but I think it'd be better if you went without me.

You should go right now.

Madalena: Is it him?

Aw, crap.

My Queen.

Oh, don't you "My Queen" me.

I'm bad news, am I?

You told her what I said.

Only that little bit.

I'll rip his heart out, and you don't mean symbolically?

Okay, I told her the whole thing.

I'm more "shrew" than woman?

And I made some stuff up.

What about the Bro Code?!

I know!

I'm starting to really like her.

And she's super-pretty.

We just started talking and... I think you better run.

Guards! Kill him.

Turns out I like you, too.

♪ Hey, there, old buddy ♪ ♪ You know what I believe in? ♪ ♪ I think we're gonna pull through ♪ ♪ Me too ♪ ♪ Me three ♪ ♪ Yes, I believe something might just have started ♪ ♪ And I believe I'll be joining the dear departed ♪ ♪ And I believe I have a wedding planner to see ♪ ♪ Better believe it ♪

His ass belongs to me.