Sneeze the Day

[Setting: The Marketplace. Amin Damoolah climbs onto the roof of a building, holding a diamond.]

Fazal: Stop thief!

(Amin turns toward Fazal's voice, not paying attention to where he's running. He's forced to make an abrupt stop at the edge of the roof, almost dropping the diamond. Aladdin, Fazal, and Hakim climb onto the roof.)

Aladdin: Stop, thief!

Amin Damoolah: All this for a gigantic diamond?

(Amin jumps off the roof. He slides down a clotheslines and gets rope burn. This causes him to let go of the line, become tangled in some clothes, and crash to the ground. The diamond hits him on the head, then bounces into his hand. Amin gets up and runs away. He stops all of a sudden— Aladdin, Hakim, and Fazal block his path.)

Aladdin: You won't get away that easy.

Amin Damoolah: You think that was easy? (He starts in the other direction, but Genie blocks his path)

Genie: Getting into trouble a little early today, aren't we, Amin?

(A horse-drawn cart passes between Genie and Amin. Once it passes, Amin is gone; he stands on the back of the cart.)

Amin: Trouble? Ha ha, you're only in trouble if you get caught!

(The cart passes underneath a low bridge. Amin hits his head on the bridge and falls onto the street.)

Amin: (rubbing his head) Doh!

(Genie, dressed as a football player, tackles Amin. They crash into a fruit stand and become covered in fruit juice.)

Merchant: My fruit!

Genie: (picks up Amin) That was one for the highlight reel, eh, Al?

(Aladdin reaches into Amin's pocket and removes a pouch of coins. He hands it to the merchant.)

Aladdin: This should cover the damage.

(Aladdin holds up Amin's diamond. Fazal takes it from him.)

Fazal: We'll take him from here, boy!

(Hakim and Fazal drag Amin away.)

Aladdin: No need to thank us or anything.

Genie: (back to normal, wiping himself off) Ah well. All's well that ends well. (Sneezes, then gasps) What kinds of fruits are these?

Merchant: Guavas. The purest in Agrabah.

Genie: That's what I thought. Oh, this is bad!

Aladdin: So you're a little sticky. What, would it kill you to take a shower?

Genie: Al, it's guava juice! (Sneezes; a kitten appears on his shoulder) See? It's starting already!

Aladdin: (takes the kitten) Aw, he's cute. What's starting?

Genie: Oh, guava juice is the only thing that can give a genie a cold. And when genies get colds— (sneezes; a balloon appears on his wrist and he begins to fly away)— we can't control our magic!

Aladdin: Everybody gets colds, Genie.

Genie: But, my magic! (Unties himself from the balloon and lands on the ground)

Aladdin: I don't think kittens and balloons are anything to worry about. (The kitten jumps out of Aladdin's arms and onto the ground) Come on, let's get you some nice, hot tea.

Genie: Well, okay. But it might get worse.

(They walk off. Genie sneezes; the kitten turns into a panther and runs into the Marketplace.)

[Setting: The Palace courtyard. Aladdin and Jasmine are on the edge of the fountain, splashing each other.]

Aladdin: Gotcha!

(Genie sneezes; a red ball bounces past Abu and Carpet. He sneezes again and a remote-control car drives past Iago. Genie is across the courtyard. His skin is green, he has a thermometer in his mouth, and he is wrapped in a blanket. He sneezes again; an armadillo appears and runs off. Another sneeze and Genie is now wearing a sombrero, with a trumpet in his mouth.)

Genie: I can't take it anymore!

(Genie throws the sombrero to the side and walks over to Aladdin and Jasmine.)

Aladdin: Sorry, Genie, I thought the sun would do you some good.

Genie: Do me some good?! Al, I'm dangerous! (He sneezes— his teeth come out of his mouth and chase Abu. Genie catches them) This is the small stuff, Al. (Puts his teeth in his mouth) It's bound to get worse. Much worse!

Jasmine: Oh, poor Genie. You will get over it, won't you?

Genie: Oh, sure, genie colds don't last long. A century or two tops. If we're lucky, it's one of those 24-year bugs.

Aladdin and Jasmine: What?!

Genie: Wait, is a hundred years a long time to you guys or not? Oh, I keep forgetting.

Iago: (flies over) Eh, he's just fishing for sympathy. (In Jasmine's voice) "Oh, poor Genie!" (Normal voice) Please, cry me a river.

(Genie sneezes again; his face comes off of his head, as if attached with a rubber band, then snaps back into place)

Genie: Ow… you're suggesting I enjoy this?

Jasmine: I'm sorry you don't feel well, Genie.

Aladdin: It won't, uh, kill you, will it?

(Genie sneezes. Aladdin is thrust into a stone column; swords land all around him.)

Genie: No, but your health might take a turn for the worse. Uh oh!

(Abu cowers. Genie sneezes— lights begin to flash red. The ground beneath Abu opens and he falls into a pit. A rocket rises out of the pit, with Abu clinging to the top.)

Genie: Uh, whoops….

(Abu chatters, scared, as the rocket flies into the sky. Carpet pulls Abu off of the rocket and brings him to the ground; the rocket explodes. Aladdin frees himself from the swords.)

Aladdin: I'm starting to see your point. We have to find a cure.

Genie: I don't know if there is one.

Jasmine: Somebody must to know how to cure you.

Iago: Cure him? Forget it. You'd need the Orb of Makana to do that.

Jasmine: The what?

Iago: The Orb of … nothing! I didn't say a thing! I was— I was singing to myself! (Singing) Orb of Makana, quick on the draw— ahh!! (Aladdin grabbed him)

Aladdin: You know the cure, don't you?

Iago: No, no, no, don't make me tell! It's dangerous! I'm allergic to danger. I break out in DEAD.

(Genie sneezes; a safe lands on him. The safe door opens and Genie comes. He starts to sneeze again, but Abu stops him. Aladdin holds Iago up to Genie's face.)

Aladdin: Talk! Or you'll be something to sneeze at.

Iago: No way! I'm a parrot, not a stool pidgin. (Genie is about to sneeze) Okay, I'm a stool pidgin, I'm a stool pidgin! (He flies away and lands in tree. Genie sneezes; a bowling ball lands where Iago had been.) Okay, you know how Jafar was always dragging me around, looking for some magic thing or other? Well, one time we were in this quaint little sea-side village. Ah, best darn clam chowder I ever had. And such charming people…

Aladdin: Iago, get to the point!

Iago: Uh, anyway, that's where I heard about the Orb of Makana. It's the cure all for genies.

Aladdin: How do we get it?

Iago: Well, that's where the danger part comes in. You've gotta go into the Cavern of Makana and pass these three insidious obstacles. Of course, no one's ever done it.

Aladdin: You mean no one has yet.

Iago: Hello! Wake up and smell the calamity! The Cavern of Makana is a safety no-no.

(Genie sneezes; a glove appears and starts slapping him in the face. It stops, waves at him, then flies away.)

Aladdin: My friend needs help.

Iago: Stop right there! You've got that "let's put the bird in jeopardy" look in your eye.

Aladdin: Iago, you know I'd never ask you to do anything dangerous.

Iago: Really?

Aladdin: (grabs Iago by the tail feathers) So I won't ask.

Iago: I knew there was a catch.

(Aladdin and Iago climb onto Carpet)

Aladdin: Watch over Genie, okay guys?

Jasmine: We will!

Abu: (chatters in assent)

(Carpet takes off; he stops before Genie)

Aladdin: I'll be back as soon as I can, pal. Hang in there.

Genie: Thanks, Al. I-I-I—(sneezes; a pair of scissors appears and cuts his hair)— I appreciate it.

Aladdin: Okay, Carpet, let's go.

(Carpet leaves)

Jasmine: (puts her arm around Genie) Is there anything we can get you?

Genie: (sighs) Some of my Mom's chicken soup?

[Setting: The sky]

Aladdin: Are you sure we're heading the right way?

Iago: Trust me, I'm part homing pigeon.

Aladdin: And part stool pigeon. Ha, you're more pigeon than parrot!

Iago: Drags me into spine-mangling peril, then mocks my lineage. What a pal. Ah, look!

(Carpet flies over a jagged island)

Iago: The Island of Makana! Told ya so.

(Carpet lands on the island)

Aladdin: So, the Orb is in there?

Iago: (clings to Aladdin) Yeah, but let me remind you of the three great obstacles of Makana.

Aladdin: I remember. What happens if we fail?

Iago: What do you think happens? A warm handshake and a hearty "fare thee well?" NO! It's WHAM and we're mushy paste!

Aladdin: … mushy paste?

Iago: Not unlike hummus.

Aladdin: We don't have any choice. Genie's depending on us to get that Orb.

(The enter the cavern. There are bats and spider webs inside.)

Iago: Ew, I hate spider webs. I hate spiders! So many legs! What's wrong with just two legs?!

Aladdin: Easy, Iago. We're barely inside.

(They ascend a staircase and enter a large, empty room)

Aladdin: Wow! Well, I don't see any obstacles.

(All of a sudden, there are loud footsteps)

Voice: Ahh, who dares disturb the slumber of Makana?

(A large shadow appears from the doorway)

Iago: Eh, I'm going out on a limb here, but I think that just might be an obstacle now.

(A giant, crocodilian monster walks into the room and roars. He stomps toward Aladdin.)

Iago: Perfect. We're gonna get pureed before we even got off the welcome mat.

Aladdin: Let's get outta here!

(Aladdin and Iago hop on Carpet and fly past the monster. The monster roars in frustration and slams his fist onto the rock face; rocks begin to fall from the ceiling. One of the rocks traps Carpet and he falls to the ground. The monster picks up Aladdin and Iago.)

Monster: Who are you who seeks the Orb of Makana?

Aladdin: I am Aladdin! And this is—

Iago: (Covers Aladdin's mouth) Bob! Hi, I'm Bob, the Jolly Parrot! Ho ho ho! (To Aladdin, quietly) How many times do I have to tell you, never, EVER give my real name to giant, crocodile-headed monsters?

Makana: Aladdin and… Bob the Jolly Parrot, quiver in fear before the first great obstacle of Makana! (Puts them down)

Iago: We're quivering, we're quivering!

Makana: The first obstacle is a physical task. You must stick out your tongue and touch… your forehead! (laughs)

Aladdin: …that's the obstacle?!

Iago: What are we, aardvarks all of a sudden? It can't be done! Oh, I'm dead. I'm a bucket of Extra Crispy!

Aladdin: Uh, what kind of obstacle is that?

Makana: I'll have you know there's a long tradition of problem solving obstacles among immortals!

Aladdin: Right.

Makana: For example, the Sphinx. And all he had was one riddle. I have three great obstacles!

Aladdin: Eh, I was expecting something a little more dangerous. Like fighting a dragon or something.

Makana: Oh, dragons, how creative. There's something new. Like you don't find them guarding every old treasure. Don't worry, if you fail my test, you'll be just as dead. So, Aladdin, can you do it? Can you stick out your tongue and touch your forehead?

Aladdin: Sure! (He sticks his tongue out, then touches his forehead with an index finger)

Makana: Oh! (face-palm) Okay, fine. You may proceed to the next obstacle. Go on, go on! Don't stand about gawking. I'm a busy monster.

(Aladdin looks to Iago, who shrugs. They hop on Carpet and fly into the next room.)

[Setting: The Palace. Genie shivers under a blanket; Jasmine and Abu stand nearby]

(Genie is about to sneeze; Jasmine and Abu duck. It's a false alarm, but after a moment, Genie begins to sneeze repeatedly. Jasmine is turned into a tree, then a koala, then a carrot, then the Mona Lisa, then back to normal. Abu puts a hand over Genie's mouth.)

Jasmine: Genie, cover your mouth!

(He does so, then keeps sneezing. He turns into a pig, then a block of Swiss cheese, and then a vacuum cleaner. The shot focuses on Jasmine; in the background, there's the sound of a cat, then a jackhammer, and then a sheep. Genie continues to sneeze.)

[Setting: The Cavern of Makana. The gang approaches three baskets.]

Aladdin: But the first obstacle was easy.

Iago: I don't care. This guy is about eight oranges short of a basket. He could snap at any second. Watch your back.

Makana (off-screen): Tremble in dread, mortals! (Iago screams and clings to Aladdin; a giant spider drops from the ceiling) You have reached the second great obstacle of Makana!

Aladdin: Makana? Is that you?

Makana: Makana has many faces. His glory cannot be contained in any one form. He is the sky, the moon, and the stars! He is the wind! He… you understand that when I say "he" I mean me, right? It's something we immortals do. Now, are you ready to face the second great obstacle, Aladdin?

(Makana holds a sword forward and laughs wickedly. He then places the sword underneath one of the baskets. He begins to shuffle them around)

Makana: Okay, step on up! Step on up and find the knife.

Iago: Couldn't we just play "Crazy 8s"?!

Makana: Uh, no.

Aladdin: Calm down, Iago. We've got a one in three chance!

Makana: You don't know! Why don't use just admit it?

(Aladdin sees Makana's shadow— Makana is holding the sword behind his back.)

Aladdin (to Iago, quietly): It's under the— (whispers the rest in Iago's ear).

(Carpet flies Aladdin over to the baskets.)

Aladdin: It's simple. It must be under the middle one.

Makana: (laughs) Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!

Aladdin: Well if it's not under either of those — (Carpet and Iago lift up the other two baskets, revealing nothing underneath them)— then it must be under the middle one!

Makana: (long pause) Did I say wrong? I meant right. Yes, right, right, right. (A door opens) Proceed to the third and final great obstacle of Makana! And don't touch the walls, the painters were just here. (Walks away)

Aladdin: Oh, the third and final obstacle? (Mocking) I am SO scared.

Makana: (turns around) You dare speak thus? (Picks Aladdin up) You want a harder riddle? I'll give you one. And when you fail, I shall rend you limb from limb! (Drops him and walks off).

Iago (to Aladdin): Would you like some salt with your foot?

[Setting: The Palace. The room is now filled with objects, including an airplane, a crane, a straw shack and a cow. Genie sneezes; he stands beside a classic piano now. Abu is screeching; he's stuck inside of it, spinning around.]

Genie: Oh, I'm so sorry!

(Jasmine climbs over a pile of objects and frees Abu)

Jasmine: Are you okay, Abu?

(Abu nods weakly. He suddenly gets up and jumps into the piano again; Genie sneezes, turning Jasmine's necklace into a snake. She screams, then throws it aside. It slithers away.)

Genie: Oh, I'm sorry, Jas.

Jasmine: It's not your fault, Genie. It just startled me.

Genie: No, it is my fault. This cold is putting you all in danger.

Jasmine: Well, you have sneezed up a few… problems.

(A seal passes by, balancing a basketball on his nose. Genie sneezes again; Jasmine ducks. They look around.)

Jasmine: Nothing happened.

(The snake from before grows huge and scaly.)

Genie: Hm, must'a been a dud!

Jasmine: Or maybe you're getting better! See, we'll get through this.

Abu: Oh…

(Abu turns and sees the snake; he screams. The snake breathes fire toward the group; Genie shields Jasmine)

Genie: Stand back, Jas! I can handle a fire-breathing serpent! (He sneezes; the serpent grows a second head) But a two-headed fire breathing serpent? That's another matter.

[Setting: The Cavern of Makana. Makana, this time a griffin, approaches Aladdin.]

Makana: You who mock the great obstacles must now answer the great riddle of Makana. These obstacles, you must admit, are as tough as rocks and rubble. What simple thing, if you'd done it, would have saved you all this trouble?

Aladdin: Simple thing… simple thing… simple thing…

Iago: Uh, a flamethrower? Uh, lots of money? Calling ahead for a reservation?

Makana: (laughing) You don't know! (The cavern begins to shake; a piece of the roof falls, barely missing Aladdin) Answer now or perish! What simple thing would have saved you all this trouble?

(Aladdin doesn't respond.)

Iago: Uh, if this is a dramatic pause, it's gone too far. ANSWER THE MAN!

Aladdin: Uh, we should of just stayed home!

Makana: … How did you know? "We should have stayed home?" That's exactly right. Ten thousand years and nobody guesses it. But you just… cough up the right answer?! "We should have stayed home?" What are you, a philosopher?! Somebody slip you the answers?!

(Makana rears up on his hind legs. A hatch opens in his chest and a rope drops down. A bug climbs out.)

Makana: Yes, I'm Makana. Yes, I'm a bug. Go ahead with the jokes, I've heard them all. "How's the weather down there?" "What's bugging you?" Oh, yeah, that was funny, about the first five hundred times I heard it! (He pulls on the rope; a pink Orb falls out of the griffin) Okay, here's your Orb, Mr. Answer-the-Riddle-Nobody-Else-Could-in-Ten-Thousand-Years. (Aladdin take the Orb) Now take a hike.

Aladdin: (jumping on Carpet) Come on, we gotta hurry.

(Carpet leaves)

Makana: Do I get a thank you? Oh, noooo. Ingrate. (He pulls a lever; a door opens, to a room stocked with Orbs. One of them rolls over Makana) Criminey, at this rate it'll take me a million years to get rid of these things.

[Setting: The Palace Courtyard.]

(Jasmine, Abu, and Genie run out of the palace, screaming. The serpent follows them, attacking with fire. The serpent slithers over to a tree; suddenly, rocks drop on both heads. Abu is in the tree; he waves to the monster and uses a vine to drop down between the two heads. He gives each head a raspberry, then jumps down. The heads rear back and shoot fire toward each other. Both heads turn black, burnt, then disappear. Abu runs over to Jasmine and Genie.)

Jasmine: You did it, Abu. You are so brave.

(Genie, sullen, walks away)

Jasmine: You are the smartest, bravest monkey ever.

Abu: Ohhh… (chatters happily)

Jasmine: Father will probably want to give you a medal.

(Abu stands tall, points to himself, and bats his eyelashes.)

Aladdin: We got it! (Carpet flies in) We got the Orb!

Jasmine: Genie, we can cure you now! (Genie's gone) Genie?

Aladdin: Where'd he go?

Jasmine: Look!

(There's a scroll laying nearby. Jasmine picks it up and opens it.)

Genie (voice, from the scroll): My faithful companions, I have gone someplace where I cannot hurt you anymore. Please, don't try to find me. You are the greatest friends ever. Love, Genie. P.S.: Iago can have my golf clubs.

Iago: Pebble Beach here I come! (Abu glares at him) Uh, I mean, how tragic.

Aladdin: No! We can't give up! Come on, Carpet.

Jasmine: But we don't even know where to begin. He could be anywhere.

Aladdin: Then we'll just have to look everywhere.

(The gang leaves on Carpet; they fly into the desert. There is a loud sneeze and a large flume of smoke.)

Iago: I think it'll be easier than that…

Jasmine: There he is!

(Genie is sitting on top of a pile of objects (including the kitchen sink), still sneezing.)

Aladdin: Genie, we got the Orb! We can cure you!

Genie: That's great, Al! I'm saved!

(Genie sneezes; the Sultan of the Al-Muddi (from "Mudder's Day") appears. He sneezes again; Fashoom (from "The Prophet Motive") appears. He sneezes on more time; a large, mechanical bug (from "Getting the Bugs Out") appears.

Genie: (waves to the monsters) Uh, nice to see old friends…

(The Sultan of the Al Muddi flicks mud at Carpet; the gang crashes to the ground. Iago has the Orb in talon; Aladdin takes it.)

Aladdin: Genie, the Orb!

(Aladdin stops; he's in the shadow of the mechanical bug)

Genie: Al! (Fashoom grabs him) Whoa!

(Aladdin runs underneath the bug)

Aladdin: Oh boy.

(The Sultan of the Al Muddi is about to strike him. Aladdin dodges, then notices Fashoom swinging Genie like a pendulum between two rocks. Aladdin runs toward him, but the mechanical bug grabs him by the vest and lifts him into the air.)

(Fashoom pokes Genie's teeth and they fall out.) Genie: Ow.

(Aladdin looks at the Orb, then at Genie. Fashoom throws Genie.)

Aladdin: Genie, open your mouth! (Throws the Orb)

Genie: Why? (The Orb flies into his mouth. Genie turns into his normal shade of blue.) I'm baaaack! (In a fairy costume; he taps each of the monsters with a magic wand) Goodbye, goodbye, and goodbye.

(The monsters start to disappear; the mechanical beetle shrinks, allowing Aladdin to free himself. Genie swats the tiny beetle with a flyswatter.)

Genie: (giving everyone a group hug) I'm cured!

Iago: Euck! Get away, you might be contagious!

Genie: Not a chance! (Flies into the air) I am a 100%, double-A-okay picture of health! (Flexes) I couldn't feel better!

Jasmine: I'm so happy for you.

Aladdin: Yeah— (sniffles) —yeah, Genie, me too.

Genie: Al, are you okay?

Aladdin: Yeah. I'm just— (sneezes).

Genie: Al! You've… you've… caught a cold! (As a nurse) And no wonder! Wandering around that drafty Cavern of Makana without a shirt! (Wraps Aladdin in a blanket and shoves a thermometer in his mouth) Oh, you kids will be the death of me.