Snowball Effect

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Snowball Effect" from season three, which aired on February 22, 2002.

Plot
(footage of real glaciers)

Narrator: Ah, observe the majesty of the mighty iceberg. (scene cuts to a block of ice falling into the water) This frozen giant, normally found floating in polar regions, can sometimes stray into warmer waters causing dramatic changes in climate to undersea life. (a giant block of ice floats over Bikini Bottom and it starts to snow underwater)

Realistic Fish Head: Yes, it seems Old Man Winter paid us a visit late last night, and he brought with him not a pillow or a sheet, but a blanket.... a blanket of snow! (view of Jellyfish Fields) Yes, from Jellyfish Fields... (view of Mr. Krabs' house) to residential abodes... (view of a traffic light changing from 'go' to 'stop' then back to 'go') to bustling downtown... (view of SpongeBob’s house) it’s nothing but the white stuff. (SpongeBob opens the front door)

SpongeBob: Whoopee!

Realistic Fish Head: And local residents are taking notice! (SpongeBob and Gary put on their Santa hats. Scene scrolls over to kids making ice sculptures, even Mr. Krabs making a sculpture of a dollar. Mrs. Puff walks over to her boat, covered in snow. She take a deep breath and blows it all away then drives off, driving pass a guy covered in the snow she blew off)

Fred: Hey!

Plankton: (walks outside the Chum Bucket) What’s this? Drops of rain frozen into ice crystals? I shall harness their energy and rule the world! (laughs evilly but a bunch of snow falls on top of him) Ahh...oh, stop! I wish to rule you...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (he's now buried in snow. Scene cuts to Patrick)

Patrick: Snow angel! (laughs while on the ground flapping his hands and arms. He stands up but he only made a circle) Oh... (a snowball hits him in the side of the head) Hey! (SpongeBob whistles) Thanks a lot, SpongeBob! While you were just standing there, whistling, someone threw a snowball at me!

SpongeBob: Oh really, Patrick? (giggles) Did the snowball look like this? (Throws another snowball. This one hitting Patrick's eyes)

Patrick: Yeah. (SpongeBon laughs. Patrick runs over to SpongeBob) This is serious SpongeBob. Someone’s after me. I think I’d better leave town.

SpongeBob: Patrick, I threw it. We’re having a snowball fight. Don’t you get it?

Patrick: Snowball fight? I want to play! I want to play!

SpongeBob: Well first, you have to make a snowball.

Patrick: Oh yeah, snowball. (bends down and starts making a snowball) Oh, this is gonna be great! (shows his snowball but it's a cube) Huh? (tries making another snowball but it's a triangle) Wha...? (tries making another snowball but it's a double-helix) Aw...! SpongeBob, could you help me make a snowball?

SpongeBob: Sure, pal. (makes a snowball and hands it to Patrick)

Patrick: Thanks buddy. (throws it at SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: Patrick! How could you?

Patrick: It’s a snowball fight, remember?

SpongeBob: Oh yeah. (two stare at each other then run back to their forts they made out of snow. They start to throw lots of snowballs at each other. Scene pans then cuts to inside Squidward's house where Squidward is sitting by the fire with his slippers on each tentacle)

Squidward: Ah, yes... Warm fire, cozy slippers, and a piping hot cup of tea with a lemon wedge. (squirts lemon juice in his eye) Why do I even bother? (Banging is heard outside. He looks outside to see SpongeBob and Patrick building snow forts) Would you two please keep it down?!

SpongeBob: Squidward! You’re just in time to enlist in my army! Join me, and together we’ll defeat the Pink Menace!

Patrick: That’s me!

SpongeBob: I can start you off as a buck private, but with hard work, perhaps you’ll rise through the ranks and become a regular private!

Squidward: Thanks, but no thanks, Major Stupidity. You and General Nonsense over there will have to fight without me. (snickers) Got 'em both. (notices a snowball flying at him, so he ducks. The snowball puts out his fire.) Grrrrrrrr!! (Squidward closes his window)

SpongeBob: Patrick, you fool! This was over before it started! I will now consider your unconditional surren... (a snowball hits him in the face, sending him into the snow) ...der. (Patrick guffawls) So that’s how he wants it to go down. (takes off his Santa hat, revealing a funnel under it. Scoops up snow in the funnel and puts it on his head. He jumps up on his fort and starts shooting snowballs at Patrick very fast)

Patrick: (stands up, revealing a bunch of snowballs lined up on his forehead) Ha! You missed me! (SpongeBob shoots more snow into Patrick's mouth. Slow motion occurs then resumes to normal speed after Patrick swallows the snowballs. SpongeBob fires more snowballs and this time the snowballs get stuck)

SpongeBob: Score one for the boys back home! (Patrick walks up to Squidward's house and knocks on his door)

Squidward: Yes? Oh, Patrick. (Patrick is still choking) What an unpleasant surprise. Oh boy, nothing like a game of charades. (Patrick swallows the snowballs)

Patrick: I was trying to tell you that I was choking on snow, but the snow melted and turned into water, and I drank all the water and now I’m better.

Squidward: Fascinating. (closes door) Now where was I? (another knock on the door) What?

Patrick: Can I use your bathroom?

Squidward: Patrick, go use your own bathroom.

Patrick: I don’t think I can make it! Please?

Squidward: No.

Patrick: Please?

Squidward: No.

Patrick: Please?

Squidward: No.

Patrick: Please?

Squidward: Ok, make it quick.

Patrick: That’s ok.

SpongeBob: Aha! Aiding the enemy! Caught you red-handed, Squidward!

Squidward: Look, SpongeBob, I was just... (SpongeBob throws a snowball at Squidward but it lands in his fire again, putting it out) SpongeBob! Oh... (picks up a snowball. SpongeBob shrieks)

Patrick: Yay, Squidward’s on my side!

Squidward: I most certainly am not!

SpongeBob: Then that means he’s on my side!

Squidward: No SpongeBob, I’m not on your side either. I’m on nobody’s side. Snowball fights are for immature children and I will not stoop to your level. (drops the snowball) If you two want to knock each others brains out with snowballs, kindly leave me out of it. (walks back inside)

Patrick: Come on SpongeBob, let’s go knock each other brains out! SpongeBob: I’m ready!

Squidward: Hmmm... (imagines Patrick throwing a snowball at SpongeBob, knocking his brain out) SpongeBob: Ok, Patrick, it’s out.

Squidward: (chuckles) Now there’s something I’d actually like to see! (takes a chair up to one of his windows) Nothing wrong with getting a front row seat I suppose. (snickers) Ah. What’s this? (SpongeBob and Patrick are shaking hands) Wha...I...no! (walks back outside) What are you doing? You’re supposed to be knocking each other’s brains out!

SpongeBob: We signed a peace treaty, Squidward. (Patrick shows treaty) You were right, fighting is for children.

Squidward: No, no, no, I misled you, it’s for adults too! Give me that peace treaty! (rips the treaty into pieces) There! Let the war continue!

SpongeBob: Squidward, that wasn’t the peace treaty. That was a copy of the peace treaty.

Squidward: Look, you two are giving up too easily. Now Patrick, pretend I’m SpongeBob.

Patrick: Then who am I?

Squidward: You’re Patrick.

SpongeBob: Can I be Mr. Krabs?

Squidward: No! Wait, why?

SpongeBob: He’s a good leader.

Squidward: Would you butt out?

Patrick: Hey, you can’t talk to Mr. Krabs like that, Squidward!

Squidward: I’m SpongeBob, you’re Patrick! (Squidward throws a snowball at Patrick) Now, what are you going to do? (Patrick throws it back at Squidward) Patrick, why didn’t you hit SpongeBob?

Patrick: You said you were SpongeBob, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: (imitating Mr. Krabs) Arrgh it’s true, Mr. Squidward! Now get back to work! (laughs)

Squidward: Oh boy. Alright, I can see where this is going. Let’s just say for all intents and purposes that I, Squidward, am now part in this war. Now...

SpongeBob: If you're in this war then where’s your fort?

Squidward: I don’t have one, ok? Now...

Patrick: You gotta have a fort, Squidward.

SpongeBob: Forts win wars, Squidward.

Squidward: (growls) Ok, fine? You want a fort? (makes a small snow fort) There, there’s your fort. Now...

Patrick: That fort’s too small, Squidward.

Squidward: It’s ok, Patrick. It’s just a demonstration. Now...

SpongeBob: He’s right, Squidward. That thing would never protect you, it’s downright puny.

Squidward: Trust me, it’s fine. (Patrick throws a snowball at Squidward)

SpongeBob: See, it is too small.

Squidward: Not if I crouch down. I mean, you didn’t even give me a chance to crouch down. (crouches down) See? Down here, I am perfectly... (Patrick throws a snowball at Squidward)

SpongeBob: Exposed.

Squidward: Would you two please... (Patrick throws a snowball at Squidward) ...stop throwing... (Patrick throws another snowball at Squidward) ...snowballs?! (Patrick throws another snowball at Squidward. Squidward growls and retaliates with a snowball of his own but it puts out his fireplace again)

SpongeBob: Squidward returned fire!

Patrick: Then it’s war!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Squidward: No, no...no, wait, wait, wait! (crouches down behind his snow fort) I was just giving a demonstration! (SpongeBob and Patrick throw lots of snowballs at Squidward. Squidward ends up looking like a snowman from all the snowballs that hit him) Alright, that’s it! You guys asked for it! (throws a snowball at SpongeBob) I got him! Ha! I got him! (laughs) In your face, SpongeBob! (laughs) This is actually kind of...exciting! Why I’ve never felt so alive!

Patrick: (laughs) He got you good, SpongeBob! (Squidward throws lots of snowballs at SpongeBob and Patrick) Take cover! (Squidward continues to throw snowballs)

Squidward: Oh yeah...

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick?

Patrick: I think Squidward’s taking this really seriously. (Squidward's clarinet is wedged in Patrick's forehead) That last one had his clarinet in it.

SpongeBob: It’s time for Plan B. (both tiptoe away while Squidward stops throwing snowballs)

Squidward: What’s going on? The snowballs have stopped falling. I’d better take advantage of this momentary cease-fire. (notices his fort is a little lopsided and gasps) What? My left flank is exposed? That bloated starfish is gonna run right through me! (pats it down with more snow) I’ll just fix that right now. (laughs) Wait, that makes my north wall a weak spot! (pats some more snow on the north side) But if they attack from the rear, I’m a goner! (gasps) But what about the possibility of an aerial attack! (starts digging more snow on his fort. Scene cuts to a few seconds later where Squidward has a gigantic fort, near the top of the tree) Fort Squidward is now all but impenetrable! (laughs more) Now, where are those fools? (snow falls on Squidward’s head) The first shot has been fired! (throws a snowball while more snow falls on his head) Take this, Patrick! (throws another snowball as more snow falls on Squidward) Taste my frozen fury! (throws two snowballs. Zoom out to show the snow from the tree is falling on Squidward's head) Victory is mine! (laughs wildly) Well, I got you now! (Squidward keeps throwing snowballs while SpongeBob and Patrick are watching TV and sipping some cocoa)

SpongeBob: Did you hear something, Patrick?

Patrick: Nope.

TV: Let out the snowshoes and the shovels.