Wreck It Gandalph / The Big Bird Theory

(Scene: Moria, in the early years of the War of the Rings. Gandalf the Grey, member of the Fellowship, battles against the Balrog, Durin's Bane, deep in the Mines of Moria, staff in his left hand, the sword Glamdring in his right.)

Gandalf as narrator: Hi, I'm Gandalf. There I am, in the Lord of the Rings movies, of which there were three.

Gandalf in movie: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

(Gandalf lifts his staff and smites it on the bridge, sending the Balrog falling down to the lava. Cut to Gandalf, during the Quest to Erebor, looking tired from his long sojourn, no doubt from all his years as Wizard, coming across a trio of Ogres below him.)

Gandalf as narrator: And now, I'm about to do three Hobbit movies, of which there will be three.

Gandalf in movie: (Fatigued) You shall not pass... or turn to stone or... whatever.

(With another smite of his staff, Gandalf turns the three unlucky Ogres into stone)

(Cut to Sequels Anonymous. Attending the meeting is Darth Vader of Star Wars, Gandalf, of whom he needs no introduction, Harry Potter of his namesake series, Spider-Man and Batman.)

Gandalf: And then, I was in those eight Harry Potter movies.

Harry Potter: I'm-- pretty sure that wasn't you.

Gandalf: Oh yeah, that was me. I was Dumbledore.

Harry Potter: I don't think--

Gandalf: Point is I'm sick of holding my staff and yelling at monsters! I'm sick of being a wizard, and I want to be in other movies!

(In an act of cinematic defiance, throwing his staff down the ground, Gandalf jumps out of the silver screen like it was 3D, giving the audience a scare, and storms off to begin his quest throughout the movie realm. Cue title card on the screen.)

[Title card: Wreck It Gandalph]

MOVIE ONE: JAMES BOND: SKYFALL

Sévérine: Pleased to meet you, Mister...

Gandalf: The name is Dalf. Gandalf.

Man #2: Why is Dumbledore in the James Bond movie?

Man #1: I'm think that's Gandalf!

Man #2: I'm pretty sure they're the same person.

(Scene cuts to a train action scene. Thanks to his battle experience, Agent Gandalf pummels the minions easy as pie, kicking one off the train, giving another a knuckle sandwich, and introducing one on his six to his backhand.)

Gandalf: This is great! I don't care if any monsters want to pass!

(Just then, Bilbo climbs up)

Gandalf: Bilbo?! What are you doing here?!

Bilbo: Gandalf, you got to come back to the Hobbit. If you don't, they'll stop screening it!

Gandalf: (sighing) I guess you're right, Bilbo. (Checks watch) TAKE THE SHOT!

(Eve Moneypenny takes aim and snipes Bilbo off the train. The unlucky hobbit falls into the river with a soft drip, screaming.)

Gandalf: Gotta go!

(His work in the realm of James Bond done, Gandalf jumps out of the screen, leaving the audience booing in disappointment)

Man #1: I didn't know this movie was in 3D!

Man #2: We're not even wearing glasses!

MOVIE TWO: LINCOLN

Guy: Mr. Lincoln, your hat. (Hands the hat to Gandalf)

Gandalf: Hmmm. Could be a little pointier. (Modifies the hat in the likeness of his wizard's hat)

Guy: Now I would like to introduce the men who are going to secure the votes we need: Mr. Lafin, and Mr. Bilbo.

Gandalf: Aaah! Bilbo! ... Wait, you're not my Bilbo. You're a funny weird man. (Mustache droops. Thunder strikes as Bilbo Baggins shows up out the window) THAT'S my Bilbo. Aaah! Bilbo!

Bilbo: Gandalf, you've got to go back. Without you, the movie's just a bunch of Dwarves!

Gandalf: Get out of here, Bilbo! You're the worst. (Mr. Bilbo walks away) Wait, not you! I like you! ... Well, if he's out, (Drops hat and jumps out of the screen...) I'm out, too! (... to the rioting of the disappointed audience) Huh?

Audience: GO BACK TO THE HOBBIT!

(Gandalf leaves out of the room with a sign above saying "WRECK IT GANDALPH 7:30" and two trash cans next to the door, then Gandalf runs to Ralph, who's struggling to get out to his game)

Gandalf: You've gotta hide me, they want me to go back to my movie.

Wreck-It Ralph: You've gotta hide me! They will meet me to go back to my video game.

Gandalf: If only there was a way to... (Both gasp, video game beep)

MOVIE THREE: THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY

Wreck-It Ralph: I'm gonna wreck it! (With his mighty fists pounding, Wreck-It Ralph crushes the cliff, burying the Ogres under rubble.)

Man #1: What is going on here?!

(They leave)

Man #2: First, bearded James Bond walks out of the movie and never comes back, (The bathroom. The other guy washes his hands.) then in Lincoln, the president disappears halfway through, (The arcade. The guy pops a quarter into the game) and finally, we come toThe Hobbit and Dumbledore isn't even in it!

Man #1: You mean Gandalf?

Man #2: THEY'RE THE SAME PERSON! ... What the--?!

(Cut to the screen, with pixelized Fix-It Felix Jr. facing a pixelized Gandalf)

Fix-It Felix Jr.: I'm gonna fix it!

Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT FIX IT!

(One smite of the staff later, BOOM goes the arcade machine, leaving behind debris and a scorched Gandalf lying down.)

Bilbo: Well, I hope you're happy! Now you've been in other movies and on MAD.

Gandalf: MAD?! (groans) (slaps forehead) There's just no winning here, is there?

(Video game music plays as the segment ends)

(The sketch starts with Leonard and Sheldon on the couch.)

Leonard Hofstadter, PHD: I can't take this anymore, Sheldon!

(Laugh track)

Sheldon Cooper: You mean the way they make us dress up like nerds from the 1980's?

Leonard: No.

(Laugh track)

Sheldon: The hairstyles?

Leonard: No.

(Laugh track)

Sheldon: The demonic laugh track that plays after everything we say?

(Laugh track)

Leonard: No! It's Everything! After five seasons I can't take being here anymore! I want to be on some other show!

(Laugh track)

Sheldon: I figured as much, which is why I've been working on this formula.

Leonard: What's this formula for?

Sheldon: It's for what I call "New Root Beer", but for the purpose of this sketch, just push this button and watch.

(Leonard does so, warping them both through shows until they hit a nest... and Leonard is in Bert's shirt and Sheldon is in Ernie's shirt!)

Leonard: Where are we?

Big Bird: Hi, guys!

(Cheers)

Leonard: Hang on, Big Bang Theory plus Sesame Street divided by MAD, carry the one-- Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!

(Title card: The Big Bird Theory)

Big Bird: I'm so excited you guys are here! I can't believe you got the formula to work.

Sheldon: Big Bird was operating this experiment on the other side, when two of his friends got sick of being on this show.

(Back to the couch. Bert is wearing the green jacket and red "ZUNE" T-shirt while Ernie is wearing the blue "GREEDO SHOT FIRST" T-shirt. Laugh track.)

Bert: There it is again!

(Laugh track)

Ernie: Where is that laughing coming from?

(Back on the street.)

Leonard: Wait, so you're telling me you're a scientist?

Big Bird: Are you kidding me? I count to 10, I can almost say a whole sentence in spanish. (Facing the screen) Me llamo es sopa. (My name is soup)

(Maria facepalms and cries)

Leonard: Well, I don't care! I just wanna go back home.

Sheldon: You don't wanna go back there. Look how much better things are here!

Leonard: How do you figure?

Sheldon: Well, back at home, you just write numbers down. But in Sesame Street, the equations actually talk back.

(Cuts to the equation)

5: Hey, we're exhausted from hanging up here all day. Can we get down now?

Big Bird: That's enough out of you! You understand me?

5: Yes, Bird.

Big Bird: I can't hear you!

5: Yes, Bird.

(Dramatic moment...)

Big Bird: At ease!

Leonard: (Whispering) Cree-py.

Big Bird: What did you say, boy?

Leonard: Sorry Bird!

(Big Bird scratches his neck.)

(Dramatic moment.)

(Title card: The Big Bird Theory (Again))

Sheldon: It's a perfect fit! Everyone here has their own dopey one-dimensional catchphrase, too, like "bazinga"!

(More cheers)

Cookie Monster: Cookies cookies COOKIES!

Oscar the Grouch: SCRAM!

Prarie Dawn: Hi, I'm Prairie Dawn.

(Music stops. Crying in the distance.)

Big Bird: Oh, uh, Prairie Dawn? I don't think that's a catchphrase.

Prarie Dawn: True, but it's catchier than "I'm Being Held Against My Will". Seriously, I'm Being Held Aganst My Will.

(Title card: The Big Bird Theory (Yet Again))

Leonard: I still don't see how being on Sesame Street is better than being in The Big Bang Theory.

Sheldon: Are you kidding me? They get much better guest stars than we do.

Big Bird: Everyone visits Sesame Street! Look who's stopping by now! (cuts to Amy Poehler, Conan o' Brien, and Sofia Vergara) Look who's stopping by now! It's Amy Poehler, Conan O'Brien, and Sofia Vergara! (cuts back to Big Bird) And look! It's Johnny Galecki! (cuts to Johnny Galecki)

Leonard: Wait, that's me! How can I be there and here at the same time?!

Big Bird: You've always been here! I should know. I've always been here. (cuts to Big Bird at the 1921 Sesame Street ball)

Leonard: I wanna get home! Please, Sheldon, can you tell me how to get away from Sesame Street?!

Sheldon: Yes, it appears Big Bird and I have proven that the grass is always greener. This was just a little excersise to make you happy with what you have. Push this button. It should swap everyone back to where they belong. (Leonard pushes button and it swaps them back to their show)

Leonard: Well, I guess we've learned a valuable lesson here today.

Ernie: (Rises from behind the couch with Bert) Says you! No way we're going back to that crazy bird.