Minstrel Krampus

NARRATOR: Ahh, Christmas... That time of year when children are at their absolute worst. You see, kids have figured out that they'll get whatever they want whether they're bad or good. So they all became spoiled turds. Hey, I want that. It's too expensive. (whining): But it's Christmas. I get whatever I want! If you're a good boy. Steven Anita! No, I'm a bad boy. I get what I want. ♪ What's gotten into this boy? He's insane. He's a mystery to me. ♪I'm the one they call a mystery ♪ "They"? ♪I'm the one they call insane ♪ ♪Ain't no other way I'm meant to be ♪ ♪I want this and gimme that ♪ ♪Are we to blame? Oh, no ♪ ♪If I told you once, I told you twice ♪ ♪I'd never be a saint ♪ ♪Daddy, no ♪ ♪Mommy, no ♪ ♪Ain't no saint ♪ ♪Bad ♪ ♪Bad, bad, bad, bad boy ♪ ♪W e want it, we want it♪ ♪And you're paying for it ♪ ♪I'm no good ♪ ♪So bring me toys ♪ ♪I want it, I want it♪ ♪D on't appreciate it♪ ♪I know what's coming and I see the way ♪ ♪H e gets whatever he wants ♪ ♪Ain't no other way to go! ♪ ♪D on't you ever tell him no♪ ♪And when I want it, you buy it for me ♪ ♪W e've got you in our aim♪ ♪S o pony up the dough♪ (groans) Steve, you're the worst. ♪You want the worst? ♪ ♪Well, you gonna see the worst ♪ ♪'Cause I'm the best, the best at bein' the worst! ♪ FRANCINE: Stop! I have heard enough of this song and dance. You're just lucky I don't beat you like my dad did to me. In fact, let's pay a visit to my dad so you can see what happens to naughty boys when they grow up. Dad, tell him how much jail sucks. Tell him about the beatings, the rapes, the overly washed Egyptian cotton bath towels. Tell him so he'll stop being bad. Steve, just be happy you're bad now and not when I was boy. Back then, Krampus would have come for you. Krampus? Yes, Krampus. The demon of Christmas. When I was a boy in Southern Bavaria, in lower Berchtesgaden, Santa would ride with Krampus. Santa would give gifts to the good kids and Krampus would punish the naughty ones. Scare you with his rusty chains. Slap your bottom with his birch branches. And if you were really bad, he'd throw you in his almost child-sized sack and shake you good! Oh, that's Krampus for you. Yeah, sounds like a load of bull jizzle. I've never heard of Krampus. That's because your gramps trapped the demon, he did. On Christmas Eve, I snuck out of bed to get more of Mother's strudel even though she told me I couldn't have any more. I didn't care. I wanted more. When I got there, I saw that Krampus had beat me to it. He was neck-deep in Mutter's strudel. So I trapped him in that copper pot. Copper-potted him good. And that's why you and all the other baddies never get a visit from Krampus on Christmas Eve. That's nonsense. See for yourself. That copper pot is with my stuff in your basement. Okay, okay, I'm bored. Let's go. Krampus is real. Real I say! The copper pot's in your basement. It's right there with my old Rossignol skis! They're super-long and super-fast! Check your basement, Stan! So, Hayley, have you decided what to get the family for Christmas? (sighs) No, not yet. ♪It must be the perfect thing ♪ ♪For a family so loving ♪ ♪A gift that's from above ♪ ♪A gift that's full of love ♪ ♪It's the perfect thing, can't you see? ♪ ♪A tub of popcorns three ♪ ♪Caramel for Mom, salted for Dad, ♪ ♪And a hearty cheese for Steve ♪ ♪Roger, oh, Roger ♪ ♪I hate to be a bother ♪ ♪But I need some money for a gift ♪ ♪This gift, you see, is a tub of popcorns three ♪ Wha-Wha-Wha... just stop, stop. J-J-Just tell me what you want. Wh-What's going on? I need a job so I can get the family a Christmas gift. The bar gets busy during the holidays. Maybe you could use an extra hand. You're too late, sister. I already hired college kids from the water polo team. I've got almost too many hands for jobs. Here's the classifieds. Ooh, the airport's hiring. What's with this Speedo, Jeremy? It's too baggy. Is it a tandem Speedo for two men? Eh, even this is too loose. Mark, hop in here! Did they get this on sale? Was this the floor model? Well, if it wasn't, it is now! Smash! (gasps) Steven! By the power of Grayskull, what do you think you're doing? I am hiding these until Christmas. Boy driving me insane. Got me talking like Bernie Mac. (hollow ringing) (knock) Krampus? Jack? No, Jack's my dad. Let... me... out. I can't. You're a demon. I-It would be... unwise. Release... me. STEVE: Hey, ***! Where's my Mickey Mouse towel?! FRANCINE: I'm sorry! I'll try harder! Okay. If I let you out, will you promise to scare my son and make him a good boy? Yeah! That's, like, exactly what I do, man. (screeching) Ow! (shouts) (growls) (shouts) No! Bring me Jack if you ever want to see your son again! Wait! (screeching) JACK: You did what?! I released Krampus. I just wanted him to scare Steve straight. What? Look, Krampus took Steve, and he says he'll only give him back if you take his place. What do you say, Dad? If I use my CIA connections to get you out of here, will you switch with Steve? I'm in. Krampus probably took him to his castle in Bavaria. I know where it is. Give me the keys. I'll drive. (cackles) See you, sucker! (tires screeching) Yep. Yeah. (chuckles) Uh-huh. (chuckles) Yep. (grunting) Get off me! Let me go! What are you doing? Krampus is back. He's been gone for, like, 50 years or something, you guys. You can't do this! I'm an American child! I'm a treasure! Well, you in Bavaria now. (growls) You need to be punished. If you lay so much as one finger on me, I will per... Who you talking to? I'm Krampus, ***! I do whatever I please. This is my expertise. ♪Round the world, it's all the same ♪ ♪Children freeze when they hear my name ♪ ♪Krampus, please don't beat me so ♪ ♪But do I listen? Sadly, no ♪ ♪80% of kids ♪ ♪End up turnin' into dirtbags ♪ ♪I just laugh ♪ ♪But, Steve, oh, Steve, you are the worst ♪ ♪Slap that butt with the branch of birch ♪ ♪Shake them chains till your ears go numb ♪ ♪See now just what you've become ♪ ♪Show you that life is pain ♪ ♪Not some silly stupid game ♪ ♪We do it my way ♪ ♪And because you haven't learned your lesson ♪ ♪You get the rod ♪ ♪You get the rod! ♪ I swear to God, do not touch me! You see, Steve, you don't know anything about pain. Yes, I do! Pain is having a girl named Sheila walk out on you in the middle of downtown Baltimore for some guy named Dennis, who worked as a mechanic and made twice as much money as you. Wha...? These are things you know nothing about, boy, but I'm here to show you. ♪Agh! Agh! ♪ ♪I'm gonna punish you ♪ ♪You ain't experienced all that I've been through ♪ ♪Sheila said the kid was mine ♪ ♪But it looked just like Dennis ♪ ♪That damn Dennis ♪ ♪And because you haven't learned your lesson ♪ ♪You get the rod ♪ (grunting) ♪You get the rod! ♪ You'll stay here until I see Jack. (sobbing) Looks like you got some stuff going on. Want to tell me what you did? Want to tell me who you did? (whispers): Was it a boy? Krampus kidnapped Steve. And the only one who knows where to find him is Jack. And Jack took off. Krampus? Santa's evil sidekick? Santa must know where he is. Santa won't help me. Santa hates me. I'm coming for you, Smiths! Hyah! (sighs) Look, even if I wanted to ask for Santa's help, how am I supposed to get to the North Pole? Oh, boys! Hyah! STAN: Damn... Santa's village is behind this wall. Give me a boost. Take my hand! Stan! (screaming) (grunting) Harder. Way harder. How dare you come to my house. Krampus. What about him? He's been gone over 50 years. No, Krampus is alive. And he has my son. Who cares about your son? I can't go back to sharing Christmas with that soul-singing goat. Always nibbling on my list. Please, I need your help. I need to find Steve. Okay. I'll help you get your boy if you help me kill Krampus. Deal. Come on, Roger. Just a little longer. I'm almost there. (whimpering) Aw. Tissue for your tears? (yelps) You don't have to be scared. Here, refresh yourself with a cool drink of water. See, everyone here is nice. You guys seem okay. But that Krampus is a real jerk. Oh, that's not true! That's not the way. (all babbling) Krampus cares about you more than anyone. He cares enough to punish you when you're bad. That's cause he's a monster who enjoys terrorizing kids. No, no, no, no, no, you got it all wrong. Come on. We'll show you. ♪With a smack to the forehead ♪ ♪And a poke in the eye ♪ ♪I beaten a lot of children in my lifetime ♪ ♪Oh, yeah ♪ ♪But the truth in the matter is ♪ ♪I've been hurtin' inside, wish I could rewind ♪ ♪Yeah! ♪ ♪Oh ♪ ♪Ooh ♪ ♪When I'm breakin' their fingers ♪ ♪Lord, it's breakin' my heart ♪ ♪And every Christmas Eve, my soul is always torn apart ♪ ♪Hey, wait a second, dude ♪ ♪I feel as bad as you ♪ ♪I don't wanna live like this no more ♪ ♪I just wish I could start over new ♪ ♪Damn, I feel just like you do ♪ ♪Oh, I know that we've been bad ♪ ♪But we don't wanna be sad no more ♪ ♪Such a drag ♪ ♪'Cause I miss Mom and Dad ♪ ♪And I miss my baby Sheila ♪ ♪Sheila, why'd you leave? ♪ ♪You left me on my own ♪ ♪All out in the cold ♪ ♪A dollar to my name ♪ ♪In dirty-*** Baltimore ♪ ♪And next time I see you I'm gonna kill you ♪ ♪Oh, Sheila, I'm sorry, baby ♪ ♪I love you. ♪ When you punished me, it hurt you more than it hurt me, didn't it? But I endure it because I care. So, why do you want my grand-poppy-pop so bad? He seems like a total lost cause. Which is exactly why I need to apologize to him. Apologize? It's my fault he turned out bad. I should have been beating his *** instead of munching down on your great-grandma's strudel. I failed him. Shh. No, no, no, no, no, don't. Shush now, frowny horns. Look, everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is you're back. And you're exactly what the world needs right now. Ho ho ho! Off we go to kill Krampus! STAN: Wow, full moon tonight. ROGER: Actually, once you get above the clouds, it's always a full moon. STAN: Is that true? ROGER: Is any of this? Once we kill Krampus, you'll be on my permanent good list, Stan. You and Jesus. But he's Jewish. He is?! Oh, what a surprise. My flight to Jamaica's delayed. And you people wonder why the world is all taking boats. You can discuss any of your concerns with our customer service rep, sir. Oh, you are a special kind of ***, Mary Anne. Where the irie plane, mon? You trying to tell me this flight is late, ***? Rude boy! Hayley? You work here? I need the money to buy the perfect gift for my family. But why? Because... ♪Family, say it ♪ ♪One, two, three ♪ ♪O ne, two, three♪ ♪Family is the way for me ♪ ♪Oh, yeah ♪ ♪W ay for me♪ ♪Do it for the family ♪ ♪F amily♪ ♪We gonna make them happy ♪ ♪Oh, Lord ♪ ♪S o happy♪ ♪F amily, it go one, two, three ♪ ♪Bada ding ding ding ding, whoa ♪ But I don't get it. Why do anything for your family? ♪Because family make you high ♪ ♪Here the reason why ♪ ♪They bada boom ba bing da ding ♪ ♪Ba bum whoa ♪ ♪F amily, it go one, two, three ♪ ♪B ada ding ding ding ding whoa ♪ Wait. I think I'm starting to get it. ♪You do it for your family because they go ♪ ♪Bada bada bing *** dun dun dun da dum bah ♪ ♪And you do it for the family ♪ ♪Because they bing baba boo bing do do ♪ ♪Family, it get you high ♪ ♪Now you know the reason why. ♪ Change this flight to Bavaria. I'm going to go save my grandson. Krampus, I can't believe I was acting like such a jerk. A real Stephen Hawking. Thank you. No. Thank you. For reminding me how good it feels to turn naughty kids into nice ones. I hope you don't mind blueberry crepes for breakfast. With homemade chocolate. (toilet flushes) (screams) (gagging) (gagging stops) (gasps) (screams) (all screaming) ♪ (screaming) (yelping) (screaming) (screaming) (grunts) No! Stop! What are you doing? (Steve gasps) (sobbing) He was good! (sobbing): He was good. (weakly): Steven. Looks like I'm big man on Krampus. (gun fires, Steve screams) Oh, gross! It got in your mouth! What are you doing? We had a deal. Yeah, well, I'm Santa, and maybe now even a *** like you can figure out that I'm the bad guy. That's what I was trying to tell you. Krampus was good. He cared about kids. Santa just spoils them. And I make a hell of a lot of money doing it. Most of my portfolio is in toy stocks. (laughing) That's why you give toys to everyone, whether they're naughty or nice. The naughty kids buy the most toys. Wait. What? Kids don't buy toys. You give toys away. How does that make money? Do not overthink this. Just know that I am in bed with Big Toys so I'm making money. See you in hell, Stan. (distorted, slow-motion): Rossignol! (grunting) (screams) Oh, God. I'm dying. Every man for himself! You came to help me. I finally realized the importance of family. And I wanted to tell you I'm proud of you, son. You're a good guy. Because of you. Because you were so *** me. Maybe. Maybe for people to turn out good, they need a beating every now and then. That's why the world needs Krampus. Yes. And that's why the world sucks so hard now. Because I took Krampus away. My... bad. (all gasp) (grunts) You're... Krampus. So I am. I suppose this is how I'm to repay my debt to the world for taking Krampus away all these years. So, will you remain Krampus forever? Like, all the time? Who knows? In the meantime, it's Christmas Eve, and I've got a lot of bottoms to blister. (Jack laughing) You better be good, boys and girls, or I'll beat you until blood's coming from your ears and your eyes and your mouth. Merry Christmas! And from your ***. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org Bye! Have a beautiful time.
 * orientation is not a choice!