High Auxiety

[Michelle is doing her homework when her sisters return from a mall trip.]

Stephanie: [as she empties her bag] Well, I got a T-shirt, and a belt, and a cat toy.

Michelle: But we don't have a cat.

Stephanie: I know. But the sales guy at Stuff for Cats was so cute. I wonder how this thing works. [She tries it out, with D.J. acting like a cat, clawing, er... slapping it away from her.] Oh, I get it!

Michelle: I wish I could go shopping.

D.J.: Michelle, you went shopping last Sunday with Dad.

Michelle: That's not 'shopping'. That's Dad telling you what to try on.

D.J.: Well, that's how it worked. Dad picked out all our clothes when we were little kids. Remember how he'd hold up the outfit and say...[with Stephanie] 'Isn't that the cutest thing you've ever seen?'

Michelle: But I'm not a little kid anymore.

D.J.: Do you wear makeup?

Michelle: No.

Stephanie: Do you like boys?

Michelle: Ugh.

D.J.: Do you still talk to your stuffed animals?

Michelle: If I'm not mad at them.

[Her sisters look at each other, and they determine that she is still a...]

D.J. & Stephanie: Little kid.

[In the morning, Jesse comes downstairs holding a palette of paint color samples.]

Jesse: I can't believe these paint samples! Look at this: blueberries 'n' cream, iced apricot, mocha frost... I don't know whether to put on two coats or two scoops.

Stephanie: What are you painting, Uncle Jesse?

Jesse: The Smash Club. I'm doing a whole new renovation. It's so cool. It's my club; I can decide the look, I can decide the feel, I can decide the mood.

D.J.: So, what are you gonna do?

Jesse: I don't know. I can't decide.

Steve: Well, the decision to decide is a decision in itself.

Jesse: That's heavy, Steve.

Kimmy: [to Jesse] It's true, hair boy. The wrong color combinations can make people physically ill. [to Stephanie] In fact, blondie, your outfit's making my eyes water.

Stephanie: Me? Your getup should come with an airsick bag.

Jesse: Alright, chill out, gang. I've made my first selection, and I'm going with... teal.

Joey: Teal? Ow.

Jesse: 'Ow'? What 'Ow'? I like teal.

Joey: You probably don't care that teal was the color of 'Custer's last shirt' (see Trivia). [He walks out of the kitchen.]

Jesse: Hey Joey, what do you know about sharp truths? What color was the Titanic?

[All the older kids leave for school...]

Danny: OK, Michelle, sweetheart, here's your lunch.

Michelle: Why can't I buy my lunch like Stephanie and D.J.?

Danny: Sweetheart, I don't wanna worry about you losing your lunch money. Besides, who else makes a happy face out of grape jelly on your peanut butter sandwich, huh? Of course, once I close it, you can't see it anymore. But we both know it's there. Right, honey?

[A car horn honks.]

Michelle: That's my ride.

Danny Oh, OK. [He puts a green hat, with a fabric flower in front, on her head.] Here you go. You have a good day, OK sweetheart? [She just glares back at him.] Isn't that the cutest thing you've ever seen?

Michelle: Bye, Daddy. [She heads out the door and sees Comet.] Bye, Comet. Hey, Comet. [She puts her lunch box on the lawn and then puts the green hat on Comet's head.] 'Isn't that the cutest thing you've ever seen?' [He whimpers about the hat on his head, and gives the same look that she did with her dad.]

Jesse: [to Nicky and Alex]: Once upon a time, there lived a handsome well-clothed nightclub owner, and he couldn't make a decision. He couldn't decide if he wanted [as he turns the pages] this color, or this color, or this color, or this color, and it was driving him crazy. [The phone rings.] And then the phone rang. The end. OK. Thank you, guys. Great story. [The phone rings again and he picks it up.] Talk to me. Oh, bathroom fixtures? I'm sorry, I've got so many big decisions to make. Why don't you guys send something over and I'll look everything over, and I'll sorta go with the flow. You know what I'm saying? 'Go with the flow', plumbing? Hello? Hello? [He hangs up just as his wife enters the living room.]

Becky: Hi, honey. How's it going?

Jesse: Oh, terrible. I've got so much riding on this club, and I can't make a decision! I've got so many options, and I never knew it'd be this difficult. I got flooring and wallpaper... I feel like my head's gonna explode.

Becky: Honey, your head's not gonna explode. You might get a slow leak.

[Stephanie and Michelle come home from school, and greet Vicky and Danny.]

Vicky: Hi, Stephanie. Hi, Michelle.

Stephanie: Hey, Vicky. Hi, dad.

Danny: Hey, Steph.

Michelle: Hi, Vicky.

Danny: Hi, honey.

Michelle: [angrily handing Danny her lunch box] 'Father'. [She then heads upstairs.]

Danny: Did you see that? She's so angry at me. She says I treat her like a baby.

Stephanie: Well Dad, sometimes you can be a little overprotective.

Danny: Me?

Stephanie: Yeah. Last week, I was at the mall talking to Lucas Kilian, the cutest boy in my class. Dad notices my shoes are untied, so he gets down on the floor to tie them. [She and Vicky then turn and look at Danny.]

Danny: I was afraid you would trip.

Stephanie: I did... over you.

[Jesse comes home and takes off his shades. He asks for input on some cup choices.]

Jesse: I'm finally close to making a decision, OK? Now, you guys tell me which cup you like for the Smash Club. This one [a big blue cup] says, 'Here's a club that gives me a lot of value for my money', and this one [a teeny-weeny white cup] says, 'Boy, this place must be hip, 'cause I'm getting ripped off.'

[If that's not bad enough, he gets a huge surprise in the living room.]

Jesse: I'm ready to sit down and make a decision.

D.J.: Good. Then I've got just the place for you to do it. [And cue the huge surprise: Toilets of every design and color available.] You know, it's an interesting look; but personally, I would've gone with chairs.

Jesse: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What is this?! I wanted a catalog or something.

D.J.: Well, good luck, Uncle Jesse. And, uh, don't forget to put the seat down.

[Michelle is facing her fears as she does her best to get down from the backstop after tossing down the frisbee.]

Michelle: Daddy, I can't get down! Come and get me!

Danny: Honey, you can do this on your own. Just come down the same way you went up.

Michelle: I can't! I'm sorry! I'll wear the hat, I won't buy lunch, I won't get a tattoo, just get me down!

Danny: Honey, did you hear what I said? You're a big girl now. You can do this on your own.

Michelle: Are you sure?

Danny: I'm positive. A really great man once said, ''.

Derek: I believe falling is also a consideration.

Danny: Michelle, honey, I know you can do this. I'm right behind you. I'm not gonna let you fall. Just come down slowly.

Michelle: [still scared] OK. [She slowly starts her descent, as Danny guides her verbally.]

Danny: Good. That's it. It's just like a step-ladder. Now, there's a metal step. [She steps on it.] That's right, easy now. Just step..that's good. It's like a ladder. [As she reaches a slanted metal pole, he then guides her physically, despite promising otherwise.] Michelle, you're doing this all by yourself. I'm not helping you [again, despite otherwise]. You're almost there, just two more steps. [And those 'two more steps' put her back on the ground, as he tells her...] You did it! [This brings cheers to her classmates, who come up and hug and high-five her.]

Derek: Well... that was exhilarating!

Danny: OK. Show's over! There's nothing more to see here. [Her classmates depart.]