But I Have a Receipt

(The park workers are all in the living room. Benson runs through with choices for game night)

Benson: Ahem. Alright. The options for this month's game night are: (reads list) checkers, cards, Double Dutch, Tiddly Winks and-- (pauses) "My Mom" isn't a game, Muscle Man. That doesn't even make sense.

Muscle Man: Looks like I win! (high fives Hi Five Ghost)

Pops: Let's play Ball-bo Catcher! (plays with the Ball-Bo Catcher and laughs)

Skips: A crossword puzzle?

Benson: Okay, let's vote. (Mordecai yawns) Yes, Mordecai?

Mordecai: Oh, nothing.

Benson: Do you have a better idea?

Mordecai: We could play one of those stale old games we usually play.

Rigby: Or we could play the sci-fi fantasy epic of the century! (holds up game box) Behold, The Realm of Darthon!

(Mordecai waves his arms while vocalizing)

Benson: So, what is it?

Mordecai: It's a role-playing game. We make up an adventure and you guys try to beat it.

Rigby: You can use magic and stuff!

Pops: A game of imagination? What fun!

Muscle Man: Sounds lame.

Rigby: No way!

Mordecai: The guy at the store told us it's the hottest RPG of the year!

Benson: (sighs) All in favor?

(everyone else but Skips agrees)

Mordecai and Rigby: WHOOOOO! Darthon! Darthon! (high-five) WHOOOOO!

Rigby: Get ready for the best game night of your life!

(clock transition to the kitchen. The park workers are all playing Realm of Darthon)

Mordecai: Your party walks down a long hallway and reaches a locked door. What do you do?

Muscle Man: I smash it open with my war claw! Then, a bunch of ladies come out, and they're all, "Ooh Muscle Man, quit pinching my butt with your war claw!"

Rigby: Roll the 50-sided die to see if you unlock the door.

Skips: (looks at the die and marbles) All we have is a 48-sided die and two marbles.

Rigby: Close enough.

(Muscle Man rolls the die and marbles... only for all of them to roll off the table.)

Muscle Man: Did it work?'

Rigby: (looks at chart) Uhhh... I don't think so.

Muscle Man: This blows.

Pops: (waving hand) Mordecai! Mordecai! (in western accent) But I'll reckon I'd like a turn now!

Mordecai: (looking at book) Cyborg cowboys take three days to awaken from hypersleep. Sorry, Pops.

(Pops moans)

Skips: Can't he cast a saving throw?

Mordecai: Uhhh...

Benson: What does all this stuff mean? Are we even in Darthon yet?

(Mordecai flips through the book, moaning)

Benson: Or is that just an artifact for something?

Mordecai: (flips through book, then quickly closes it) Uhhh... your party is suddenly ambushed by a flock of manbats! Skips the Mighty gets first strike! (Skips rolls the dice and marbles)

Rigby: Let's see... (calculates) Pirate samurai have plus two times two shen... minus three charisma... divide by number of geese... Do we have a protractor?

Benson: I'm outta here.

(All of the park workers, except for M&R, get up and walk away)

Muscle Man: Worst game night ever!

Rigby: (moans) Dude, they're right! (knocks away stand) This game sucks!

Mordecai: Let's get our money back.

(clock transition to Comics Plus and More, etc. There's a long line of people standing in front of the store. M&R cut past the crowd to get to the front)

Rigby: Out of the way! Out of the way, everybody!

Mordecai: Coming through, coming through!

Rigby: Out of the way! Out of the way people!

(they've reached the front of the line)

Mordecai: We're here for a refund.

Clerk: I'd love to give you a refund, but you need a receipt for that.

Rigby: I got a receipt right here. (slaps receipt onto the table)

Clerk: Excellent. And now the unopened product?

Mordecai: What?! You can't return it if it's opened?!

Clerk: Well, yes! It's clearly stated on the back of your receipt.

Rigby: What?! That's lame! You can barely even see the writing!

Clerk: Yes, well, perhaps if you learned to read, it would be easy for you to see. Good day, gentlemen!

Rigby: Dude, just give us our money back. This game blows! (pounds on table)

Clerk: Uh, The Realm of Darthon does not blow! You're probably doing it wrong. It's a role-playing game. You have to use your imagination.

Rigby: No way, dude! The game is the problem, not us!

Person in Line 1: Uh, hey, are you guys gonna be wrapping this up soon?

Clerk: Oh yeah. We're done here. (the person goes up to the table to get TRoD checked out)

Mordecai: Hmph. Hmph. Okay, I guess you won't mind if we tell people how "cool" your game is! (to the people) Hey, everybody! Don't waste your time waiting in line for this huge piece. It's probably the worst game we've ever played.

Rigby: Yeah, and he won't even give us a refund. This guy doesn't give refunds, people! (everyone puts their copies back on the shelf)

Clerk: Let's go! (pushes M&R out the door) I want you two out of my store, now! (slams door)

Mordecai: Ugh! We can't let that guy get away with this. Dude, we spent the last of our cash on it! We have to get our money back.

Rigby: Yeah! (pause) So, how do we do that?

Mordecai: (zoom into his face) We'll just sabotage his business until he gives us our refund.

(cut to sometime later at the store. M&R drive up in the golf cart, wearing cheaply-made costumes)

Person in Line 2: Heh, nice outfits! (chuckles) Losers! (everyone else in line laughs)

Rigby: You don't like these costumes? But they're from the "Make Your Own" section of the Darthon gamebook! (everyone in line gasps)

Mordecai: That's right! (the clerk looks on, and walks out) We followed the instructions perfectly.

Clerk: But you used toilet paper rolls instead of paper towel rolls! The costumes look awesome when you do it right.

Rigby: Yeah? Do they look as awesome as the game pieces? (holds up an ugly-looking wizard character piece)

Person in Line 3: Ugh! (walks away)

Clerk: W-w-w-wait! There's lots of other characters if you don't like the pixie sorcerer!

Mordecai: (holds up book of characters) No there aren't! They're all just the same with different costumes. (flips pages of book to show that every character has the same ugly face and pose)

Person in Line 4: I didn't realize it was that kind of game!

Rigby: Nobody knows what kind of game it is.

Mordecai: Is it medieval? Sci-fi? Western?

Clerk: It's a role-playing game! (everyone walks away) You have to use your imagination! Ugh! (walks away)

Rigby: That's right! Go get us our refund! (the clerk nails a sign to the wall. It reads: "25% off The Realm of Darthon")

Passerby: No way! (everyone comes to the store because of the sign) 

Mordecai: Dude. This campaign is just getting started.

(begin a montage of M&R discouraging the other people from buying TRoD. M&R first show two people that the stand must be set up, and that setting it up can be dangerous, making them shake their heads and walk away. The clerk gets angry and makes the game 50% off. Then, Rigby shows the people in line that the 50-sided die is only 48-sided. The people in line walk away again as the clerk watches and makes the game 75% off. Mordecai then shows the people in line how excessively long the gameboard is. The people walk away yet again, making the clerk having to sell the game for 100% off with purchase of gum. One person purchases gum and gets the game, but M&R stop the guy to show that the card deck has a joker playing card and a dry cleaning coupon. The person then throws the game against the wall and kicks it a few times before walking off. M&R high-five as the montage ends)

Clerk: That's it! (Comes out wearing a cape and a gold helmet, and holding a book) The Realm of Darthon does not suck!

Mordecai: Yeah, but your costume does. (M&R laugh)

(The clerk pants heavily before an aura surrounds him while he holds the book to his face, exposing his skull)

Clerk: (demonically)  No refunds!

(the Clerk's face reverts to normal, but with dilated pupils, as he laughs insanely. M&R scream before we cut to black. Torches light the scene, showing that we are now in a temple. M&R are now in authentic fantasy-like outfits)

Rigby: Dude, check out our costumes!

Mordecai: Yeah! Where are we?

(zoom out. A booming voice echoes through the temple)

Voice: Welcome, to the Realm of Darthon! (pan to the park house) Leave while you still can!

Mordecai: We're not leaving without a refund!

(The scenery around the house goes black as the doors to the way out close.)

Voice: Then come and get it!

(gate door opens. M&R run into the temple. A noise makes sound somewhere)

Rigby: Did you hear that?

Mordecai: I think it's coming from a-- (manbats come towards M&R) ...head! (they start to swarm around them)

Rigby: Aaagh! What are these things?

Mordecai: Ignore it, dude. They're just lame enemies from the game.

Voice: Lame? What do you think of manbats' teamwork? (a big manbat sucks up some manbats in front of him and spits them at M&R, but they slice them all in half with swords)

Rigby: Next time, send enemies that don't blow! (M&R run into a foyer)

Voice: Well, if you didn't like those enemies, then how about some... (appear as said) Mutant jellyfish! Robo-bears! Angry tree people with pixie sorcerers?

(M&R start slicing the enemies, and as they die, they disappear into smoke)

Mordecai: Watch out! (throws a knife that lands into a pixie sorcerer's stomach. Although it dies, M&R are still surrounded) Dude, there are too many of them! (M&R look at each other)

Voice: Come on! Everyone knows technomancers can summon allies!

Mordecai: Rigby!

Rigby: (pushes buttons on keyboard) Summon allies! (three orbs are unleashed into the air. The orbs summon Skips, a warrior, Pops, a cyborg cowboy, and Benson, an elf) 

Benson: What the-- (in the BG, M&R are fighting the bad guys) I told you guys I didn't want to play this game!

Mordecai: We need your help!

Rigby: We need the refund from the game master!

Benson:  What?!

(a robo-bear roars, and starts charging towards them. Skips goes over and kills the robo-bear with one swipe of the blade. A bird flies onto his shoulder)

Benson: When this is over, you two are dead!

(Benson fires an arrow. M&R fend off some formally-dressed jack o'lanterns. Pops pushes buttons on a keyboard, firing a laser at an angry tree person, killing it)

Pops: Oooh!

(Pops laughs while firing lasers at mutant jellyfish. There's still a lot of enemies around them all. Skips kills a jack o'lantern, and Benson fires an arrow at a mutant jellyfish. Pops is still trigger crazy)

Mordecai: Haha, yeah!

Voice: I changed my mind! Necromancers can't summon allies! (Benson, Pops and Skips disappear)

Rigby: What?!

Mordecai: He's just cheating so he can win!

Rigby: Quit cheating! (a pixie sorcerer shoves him in the stomach, pinning him to the ground, and punches Rigby. A mutant jellyfish is stuck to Mordecai)

Voice: I'm not cheating! I'm using my imagination! (Mordecai slices the jellyfish, splitting it into two) That's what makes this game fun!

Mordecai: That's what makes this game blow!

Voice: Enough! (enemies disappear. A light shines) I won't allow you to insult my realm any longer!

(the silhouette of a knight appears into the light, and reveals itself on top of the steps)

Darthon: I am Darthon! (the mace levitates into the air, and its spikes morph into screaming faces that turn into a ghost skeleton) Still think this game blows?

(the ghost flies towards M&R as they scream. Rigby unleashes a lightning bolt from his finger)

Darthon: Lightning bolts have no effect on giant monsters! (the lightning bolt bounces off the ghost. Mordecai throws a bomb) Projectile weapons deal damage to the user! (the bomb morphs into a boomerang and explodes over M&R's heads) Oh no! You stepped in a permafrost puddle! (the ground freezes under M&R's feet, causing them to slip) Players are frozen in place! (ice freezes up to M&R's necks. The ghost is coming towards them)

Rigby: Stay back! (the ghost stops) Self-destruct? (the ghost explodes. M&R look at each other, now realizing the only way to defeat Darthon is to beat him at his own role-playing game - fight magical fire with magical fire, in other words)

Mordecai: We are not frozen. (the ice around them breaks) Looks like it's our turn!

(M&R start running)

Darthon: Your party is washed away by a flood! (summons a tidal wave)

Mordecai: Our +3 awesomeness repels water! (the wave fails to attack M&R. Darthon screams in anger and summons a fireball)

Rigby: Fireballs are made of kittens! (fireball becomes kittens)

Darthon: Kittens are man-eating tigers! (kittens become tigers)

Mordecai: Man-eating tigers turn into stuffed animals! (tigers become stuffed animals. The stuffed animals run into M&R as they run up the steps)

Darthon: Players lose their weapons when running! (Mordecai's sword and Rigby's staff fly off)

Mordecai: Warriors carry the Immunity Sword, which is immune to all rule changes! (pulls out sword)

Darthon: W-what?! No! That's not--

(Mordecai stabs Darthon with the Immunity Sword in the chest, beating the Dungeon Master in his own game. Darthon screams in agonized pain)

Mordecai: Now give us our refund.

(Darthon kneels to the ground as we fade to the real world. It turns out Darthon was the clerk)

Mordecai and Rigby: Haha! Yeah, we did it! (the clerk groans. It turns out the immunity sword was a ruler)

Mordecai: Dude, are you okay?

Clerk: Yeah. I'm fine. Here's your refund. (pulls out the money)

Mordecai: No, it's cool. You should keep it.

Clerk: No, no. You beat me fair and square. (hands Rigby the money)

Rigby: Are you sure you're okay?

Mordecai: Yeah. We can take you to the hospital.

Clerk: No. No. I'm fine. (gets in car) I just need an icepack. (struggles to get seatbelt in) I... just... gotta... I gotta go up and lay down for a bit. (drives off. Benson, Pops and Skips walk up)

Pops: Mordecai! Rigby!

Mordecai: Pops! Where have you guys been?

Benson: We were hiding in the armor closet, then suddenly, we were in the stock room at Shoe Farm.

Rigby: (pulls out money) Good thing it was worth it! (shakes money) Seven bones, baby!

Benson: Seven dollars?! We almost died for seven dollars?!

Rigby: The numbers aren't important!

Mordecai: It was the principle!

Rigby: Yeah! If we're gonna spend that kind of money, it's gotta be on a cool game!

Mordecai: Yeah! Something like Trail of Elderich or The Lair of Anthalon.

Rigby: Dude! Is that out?

Mordecai: Yeah. It came out last week.

(M&R run into the store)

Mordecai and Rigby: Yeah-yuh!

(end of "But I Have a Receipt")