Leaving the Busting to Us!

(Opens on a close-up of Candace's screaming mouth.) Candace: MOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! Look! Look, look! In the backyard! Look! They've done it again!

Linda: Just let me drop off the groceries.

( carnival)

(Zoom out, we see a giant Ferris wheel that the boys built.)

Isabella: This was the best ride ever, guys.

Astronaut: (Russian accent) Ohh, that was very fabulous ride. Now can you send us back to space station perhaps?

Alien: Erimnevop Yelsgnik Nad.

(A ray from nowhere hits the ferris wheel, causing it to roll away.) Candace: (With her eyes closed) Look, look, look! OK, tell me you don't see a giant, enormous Ferris wheel in the backyard!

Linda: (flatly) All right, I don't see a giant, enormous Ferris wheel in the backyard.

(Horror music; Candace goes over to see that the Ferris wheel disappeared.)

Phineas: Hi, Mom.

Linda: Hi, kids.

Candace: "Why don't you come in for snacks?"

Linda: Why don't you come in for some snacks?

Candace: "Oh, there you are, Perry."

Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry.

Candace: And Ferb says...

Ferb: You know, gladiators were Roman, not Greek. Candace: (sighs) It's always the same thing every day.

(Cuts to the kitchen where Phineas and Ferb are eating apples.)

Candace (cont'd): The same insane routine.

(Cuts to the living room, Candace stomps through.) (Song: "Paul Bunyan's Pancake Haus (jingle)" (instrumental))

Candace (cont'd): My life is like a bad sitcom.

Man on TV: Do you live in the Danville area and want to bust your brothers? (Candace zips back over.) Then call now and you can be on the next episode of Bust 'Em!

Candace: Yes, yes! (Song: "Leave the Busting to Us!") When you're bothered by your brothers and you can't convince your mother

And you don't think you can take another day

Don't swear or cuss 'cause they got your back against the wall

And you think you've tried it all, there's a number you should call

To throw them underneath a bus

Just leave the busting to us

''Bust 'em! Bust 'em! Bust 'em!''

(Operators are standing by.) Candace: (dials phone) Hello, Bust 'Em? Do I have a show for you.

(Cuts to outside the Flynn-Fletcher house, it is the next morning.)

Phineas: Bright, sunny and clear. Yep, it's gonna be a hot one. Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today. Linda: Well, I'm off to my cooking class. You kids keep cool today. Phineas: Oh, good. Our stuff is here.

Candace: Already?

(The Bust 'Em truck arrives in the background)

Candace: Yeah, well... OK, OK. You guys keep doing whatever it is you guys do.

Phineas: That seemed oddly out of character. Hey, where's Perry?

Perry!

Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P. It's a beautiful day in the Tri-State area, just the kind of day that makes Dr. Doofenshmirtz a little verklempt. That's why your mission is...Sky... Weather... Rain... Doofenshmirtz. Uh, we're breaking up. Let me call you on a land line. (telephone rings) So, just to recap: sky, weather, rain, Doofenshmirtz.

(At the Bust 'Em truck...)

Woman: (whispering) Are you Candace?

Candace: Yes.

Woman: (whispering) Get in. We're from the TV show. (cuts to inside the truck, normal voice) My name is Lulu Jones, and this is my assistant, Fifi.

Fifi: Hi there.

Candace: So you really think you can bust my brothers?

Lulu: Ha-ha-ha. You're so cute. Isn't she cute, Fifi?

Fifi: Oh, yes, she is. Ha-ha-ha!

Lulu: You see, Candace, busting is my middle name. It's my actual middle name. Lulu "Busting" Jones. I was born for this job.

Candace: But you have no idea what my brothers are capable of.

Lulu: Believe me, I know. That's why I created this show. My brothers used to drive me crazy. Let me tell you a story. (She shows her fists, one reading "bust", the other reading "them".) The story of "bust" and "them." (She pretends her fists are fighting.) "Bust" fights "them", but "them" fights right back. It's the age-old struggle, but in the end "them" always wins. No, I'm sorry. Wait, "bust" - ha-ha – "Bust" always wins. That's it. Yes, bust them. Ha-ha! The point is, I feel your pain. Mom never believed they were the ones breaking the plates or scratching the records.

Candace: Um, uh, my brothers don't break plates or scratch records.

Lulu: Well, whatever they're doing, we'll get them. Our crew has planted cameras covering every square inch of your backyard. Basically, if a squirrel breaks wind, we'll have it on tape. Fifi, none of these cameras seem to be working.

Fifi: Actually, I think camera number eight is working fine.

Squirrel: (breaks wind)

Candace: So, your show must be pretty popular, huh?

Lulu: Well, you know, not really. We're having some problems with our ratings right now. Our station manager is threatening to pull the plug, but with an episode like this one, it'll never happen! Come on, gimme one!

Candace: One what?

Lulu: A "Bust 'em!" Gimme a "Bust 'em." Come on!

Both: (Fist bumping in time) Bust 'em! Bust 'em! Bust 'em!

Candace: Well, you know, they must be done by now anyway.

Lulu: Done with what?

Candace: I don't know. It's different every day. Come on, I'll show you.

(Cuts to Candace and Lulu in the backyard; the latter has her mouth dropped open, the former looking uneasy.)

Fifi: So where is this thing I'm supposed to film?

(Candace points upward; Fifi faints.)

Candace: So, what do you think?

(Pan upwards revealing the water slide.)

Lulu: I think we finally have our (voice squeaks) very special episode!

Phineas: Hey, Candace, what do you think of the water slide?

(Cut to:) Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated (Perry swings in and hits a "window" with Doofenshmirtz in it. Doofenshmirtz peeks out the other window.) Doofenshmirtz: Ha-ha! Oh-ho, Perry the Platypus. (crash) I can't believe you fell for that old fake window trick. Ha-ha-ha. Whoo! (crash) Wait a second, how did you...? (gasps) Oh, I can't believe I fell for the old fake Perry the Platypus bit. That was pretty good, Perry the Platypus. I gotta give you props on that one. I know, I know. You're wondering about the hat, right? It's part of my new magic kit. Ever since the seventh grade, I have wanted to be a magician. But it was a pretty tough road.

(Flashback)

Young Doofenshmirtz: Hey, wait! Where-Where's Bobo the rabbit?

(audience laughs)

(grunts)

Young Doofenshmirtz: Can somebody please get me out of this? Anyone? Hello?

(Flashback ends)

Doofenshmirtz: But I guess my dreams faded into sepia tone somewhere along the way. Oh, Perry the Platypus, your shoes are untied. ... Psyche! Before you go, I'd like to introduce you to the Gloominator 3000... inator! (rattle) Hmm? What's that? Could it be Morse code for "That evil gadget looks so manly and threatening. What on Earth does it do?" All right, I'll tell you. Sheesh! Stop bugging me! With this, I will launch thousands of weather pellets into the atmosphere, thereby plunging the Tri-State Area into a new ice age! (dramatic music) But before I do that, I shall finally make Perry the Platypus disappear! Voila! Ha-ha. It really worked! Maybe I should have stuck with the magic business, hmm?

Phineas: Hey, Candace, wanna join our maiden voyage?

Candace: I'm not gonna be a guinea pig for one of your harebrained...

Lulu: Candace, wait! (She places a bike helmet with a camera on Candace's head.) We need you to get on that ride with this secret hidden camera. Now go get that footage and leave the busting to us!

Phineas: Everybody ready? Make sure your life vests are securely fastened. In case we capsize, your seat cushions can function as a headstone. (removes Candace’s helmet) Oh, you don't want to get this wet.

Candace: But-But-But-But –

Phineas: Come on, Candace, that wasn't too bad, was it?

Candace: Actually, that was kinda...

(all scream)

(gasps)

Candace: That's it. It's over, right?

(laughing)

(Song: "Gotta Make Summer Last")

Summer, I love summer

We like summertime

(screaming)

Whoa!

Summer...

''Whoa! Whoo!''

''Whew! Aah!''

Gotta think summer now

Candace: Aah!

Phineas: You wanna go again?

Candace: Are you crazy?!

Lulu: Oh, she'd love to! Ha-ha. (at Candace) We need that footage if you wanna bust 'em. (She gives her a cowboy hat with a camera sticking out of it.) We disguised the camera this time. Don't lose it.

All: Whoa!

(screaming)

Doofenshmirtz: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Now let's test my Gloominator 3000-inator! A couple of these ought to be enough. Let's see. Whoo-hoo! Look at them go! .... Perfect! Now for the real thing. .... Hmm. Maybe I can squeeze a few more in there. Lemme see. Perry the Platypus? Bobo the rabbit! Do you know that I've been looking for you since the seventh grade? (top hat cocking) Aah!

(Cuts to a farmer and his wife at a vacant bunny farm.) Farmer's Wife: I can't believe you spent our entire life savings on a bunny farm and forgot to buy any bunnies!

Farmer: But, dear, I...

Farmer’s Wife: I mean, what did ya think - rabbits were just gonna fall outta the sky?

(The bunnies fall down everywhere.) Farmer: Looks like somebody owes me an apology.

Farmer's Wife: Touché.

(Cut back to the Bust 'Em truck.) Candace: So, Lulu, did we get enough footage?

Lulu: Did we ever! (Brief shot of the TV monitors showing the footage.) Now we need you to call your mom for the big confrontation scene, and I'll call the station manager.

Candace: Hi, Mom.

Linda: Hi, Candace. What took you so long?

Candace: Just get over here as soon as you can. This time, it's gonna be different.

Lulu: Sir, you should come over here right away. This will be our best show ever, I guarantee it!

Kid 1: Hey, that evil scientist just stole my bike!

Kid 2: Hey, that nice duck just gave me 20 bucks for my skateboard.

(Cut back to the Flynn-Fletcher house.)

Lulu: Ooh! This is great! I can smell that second season pickup. .... What was that?

Candace: (gasps) My mom is here.

Lulu: My station manager is here.

Linda: Candace, what's going on? Who are these people? Could you please...

Candace: Mom, Mom, we're gonna be on TV. I can finally prove everything.

Lulu: I'm talking about ratings dynamite here, sir. (With her eyes closed) Tell me that's not ratings dynamite!

(horror sting)

Station Manager: That's not ratings dynamite, that's a suburban backyard.

Lulu: (sputtering) But I had no idea... What? I don't understand... What?! Where is everything?!!

Candace: Welcome to my world.

Lulu: Wait a minute, wait a minute! The video tapes! All the proof is still in the van! Come on, gimme a "bust 'em"!

Both: (Fist bumping in time) Bust 'em! Bust 'em! Bust 'em!

Station Manager: You get that a lot?

Linda: Pretty much every day around here.

(Cuts to the front yard.)

Lulu: It’s in the van, it's in the van, it's in the van, it's in the van!

Station Manager: I don't think I can take this everyday.

Linda: You get used to it.

Lulu: The van... (Reveal the van is gone.) Where is the vaaaaaan?!

(Cuts to the Bust 'Em ban being driven by Doofenshmirtz.)

Doofenshmirtz: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! So nice of them to leave the keys inside.... That's what you get for being the good guy. You have to stop at all the traffic signals. (laughs) Uh... Oh, no! What.... What is this? Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

(Cut back to the Flynn-Fletcher house.)

Linda: So, kids. Keeping cool today?

Candace: "Hi, Mom."

Phineas: Hi, Mom!

Candace: "Oh, there you are, Perry."

Phineas: Oh, there you, Perry.

Candace: And Ferb says...

Ferb: And that's why I never wear suspenders in public.

Candace: "Now for some snacks."

Linda: Why do you kids come inside for some pie?

Candace: Yeah, I'll take some pie.

(Cuts to Candace and Lulu sitting on the doorstep, holding plates of pie.  Candace: Now you can understand my pain. Want some pie?

End Credits
Doofenshmirtz: I'm getting dizzy! Oh! Maybe I'm supposed to turn into a skid. Whoa!

Farmer's Wife: I can't believe you sold our lucrative bunny farm and bought a van rental place! And you didn't buy a single van! (Hears the van falling over her) Not one word.

BAM!