Spice World

Well done, girls. Excellent performance. You weren't even watching, Clifford. - Yes, I was. - No, you weren't. - I sensed the vibes. - Yeah, right. - He doesn't love us any more. - I love you like a wildebeeste loves five lionesses chewing at his legs. Hello. I'm Piers Cuthbertson Smythe. Today, I'm spending the first of five days with the Spice Girls. - Elton! - Elton! - Hey! - Hello. - Good to see ya. - Hi there. - Great glasses, Elton. - Thank you. We've gotta go. Sorry, Elton. Soon, the Spice Girls will be stampeding down this corridor in a frenzy of chaos and energy which is their hallmark. Chickens? How many? Why are we going round the back? You said they were coming this way. I never said that. - Want me to cut? - That would be wise. There won't be any fans out here. They're around the front. - Girls! It's Andy from the Sun! - Not up the skirts. What was that, Clifford? Bye! Come on. Come on. Hands off my fluffy toys. Nobody come in my bit. Don't touch my wardrobe. Can you get changed? We're there in 15 minutes. Dennis, Albert Hall. Partner... we're heavy and rolling. OK, horoscopes! I don't believe star signs. You're Aquarian. Aquarians don't believe in anything. I don't believe that, either. Oh, no! I can't find my boots! It's always the same. I never know what to wear. It must be hard to decide whether to wear the little Gucci dress, the little Gucci dress, or...the little Gucci dress. Exactly. I know. Why don't you wear the little Gucci dress? Thanks, Em. - There they are! - What? - You're wearing my boots! - How did that happen? Typical Leo, borrowing stuff without asking. - No, that's Capricorn. - Don't start on Capricorns. That's it! - Have them back! - I don't want 'em! - Excuse me! - What? - What do you think of this? - It's great. A press conference's coming up. That means smiling and answering dumb questions. It really is exciting. We're breaking the news now. Next Saturday, the Spice Girls perform live at the Albert Hall. - Are you excited? - Very excited. It'll be fantastic. It's gonna be broadcast live throughout the world. How many countries? - Millions. - Maybe more. Have you a message for your fans? Yes. To the people in France. They're huge in Portugal. And to the people in Leeds: "Northerners!" I don't know what that means, but it's gonna be great. They are adorable. - You haven't shaved for us. - Well, I... - I've got what you want. - Watch this! These are the Spice Girls. I've seen them. I like the blonde one. - No, Sporty. - Yeah, sporty one's good. This is what our movie should be about. They're cute. They're hip, they're wacky. But can they act? Did anyone care if Marilyn Monroe could act? All they cared, was she in focus? I've got an idea. You're gonna love it. It's the Spice Girls. There's five of them, and they're singers... I love it. We pitch this afternoon. Yes, Chief. Are the girls ready for Saturday? They've got fire in their eyes, hunger in their bellies and great big shoes on their feet. They're raring to go. Remember that now is the dangerous time. They've had success very quickly, so get ready for the backlash. When the speeding melon hits the wall... it's Christmas for the crows. Shall I go after the paparazzi? 'I could start kicking arses, stir things up.' There's no need for any stirring. Put cats among the pigeons. Leave the pigeons alone. Watch the feathers fly, get some blood on the walls. - No! - Sorry, Chief, just an idea. There'll be time for that soon enough. The drummer who is without sticks has no backbeat. Absolutely. Right, Puss? - What did he say? - I haven't a clue... but I know that he's right. Drummer? Drummer. Remember, the camera is the window to the soul. - Window to the soul. - That's it. Through the eyes, obviously. I wanna take my audience into their mind's eye, and focus on their deepest subconscious. Deepest subconscious. That's it, Enzo. Got it? Great. So track, track, track, track, and then... We'll need a longer lens. What's going on? Sorry. My fault. - Sort your fingers out! - Left your boxing gloves on? Once again, please. That was absolutely perfect without being actually any good. Once again, then. - Hiya. - Hi, Nic! Let's keep the momentum going, please. - Time to quit. - After a short break then. Are you all right? Look at that emotion. Real, raw emotion. Come on, boys! Capture that magic! Quickly. How are you feeling? All right, except my back's done in and I haven't seen my feet for weeks. - I hear they're really fat. - They are...not. How's baby? How would you feel being carried around in a waterbed? Very lucky. It kicked! - When's it due? - Last week. You ought to charge it storage. - So...how's Trevor? - Trevor's left me. I don't believe it. Sound running. Would you mind not filming, please? Cut. I knew Trevor was irresponsible, but now he's proved it. What a complete... I want to show the real Spice Girls. I want to crash through the show-biz facade and reveal the truth. So long as you crash through the show-biz facade on schedule. And don't get in anybody's way. Yes, well, a smile costs nothing. Nic, it'll be all right. Oh, no. - What? - What? - I think I am getting broody. - Oh, no! Wait till you start having kids. That'd be really weird. How does my Gloria gets her clothes so dirty? Bless her. My poor back. How can you have more kids? You've got six already. Is it six? They're cute when they're little, then they grow up to be little bleeders. Thank God for boarding school. - Our Terry goes to me... - Cheers. He goes, "Ma, I wanna be a singer." I said, "Get yourself a proper job." Does he listen? No. They never do. I mean... Darling, kids today, they don't know... how lucky they are! Brucey! Demi! Turn that bloody racket down! There's the small matter of an extremely live gig on Saturday. We're coming. I don't want you to go. - Take care. - See you later. We're coming. - I need to wee. - Yeah, so do I. Down here. Quick. Baby Spice! Get her shoes! - Which one's Baby? - The blonde one. - Posh one. - Which one? The one that looks posh. Across to Geri. Hips. Good. This is a good bit. "Spice Girls set to conquer the globe." Look at that, Brad. "Spice Girls set to conquer the globe." Why can't I pick up a paper without seeing them all over the front page? - You told us to write that. - I know, I know! As long as they sell newspapers, we'll have to write about them. I'm sick of them! We need a new angle. Who cares if the Spice Girls get to Number One again? Who cares if they climb up Mount Everest on an ostrich, or find a cure for dj vu? Not me. Or if they find a cure for dj vu? Not me. I've got a better idea. Try this for size. "Spice Girls' live show cancelled." That's not bad. "Spice Girls fall out." "Spice Girls...split up!" Think how many copies that headline will sell. - I like it! - I can make it happen! Me, Kevin McMaxford. I put them there, I can bring 'em down! - Yes! - Who's gonna help me? Who is gonna help me take on Girl Power and bring it crashing to the ground? I'll find someone, Kevin. I just wish you wouldn't get so upset. It is dangerous to store moisurising cream in the refrigerator. It can be mistaken for mayonnaise. Check. - What do you mean, "Check"? - My bishop's got your king. - Where? - There. Move it in front or out of the way. I'll move that fairground horse. - Sort that out. - You can't do that. - Says who? - Says Mr Chess. - It's in the rules. - I'm gonna break the rules and set this fairground horse free. There. I'll slap you in a minute. It's obvious that the Spice Girls are movie stars. We've worked on this idea for months. Can we turn off our cellphones? Respect for the writer. OK, five girls, five lives. One story as old as time itself, but as fresh as newly-cut grass. - And that's fresh. - The girls play five sisters whose parents disappeared during the Harrod's sale and were never seen again. As if ripped from today's headlines. Now they live at home, struggling to support a grandmother who suffers from some mysterious wasting disease. I've got tears. Their only hope lies with the middle sister, Melanie C, who's convinced she could be an Olympic ski-jump champion if only she could overcome her fear of heights and snow and find a pair of skis. That's amazing. That's fantastic. - What do you think? - It stinks. Of course it stinks, but it's a start. We're cooking here. This is a stew, a gumbo - a jambalaya, if you will. We're just jamming. OK, here's another idea. Crocodiles... If you want tickets to the Spice Girls' live gig, you're too late. But they're with me now... - Oh, turn it off. - All right. What's it like to be Baby Spice? Do you think I'm always gonna be seen as Baby Spice, even when I'm...30. - You play up to it, Emma. - No, I don't. - You're doing it now. - I am not! Em, you've got this dead cute little smile, so you can get away with anything. Ladies and gentlemen.... Four horrible murders... perpetrated by the same... ruthless psychopath. Each victim riddled with 100 machine-gun bullets. But who is it? Professor Schutzman? Father Conan Murphy? Lady Matilda Davenport? Or... Miss Emma... Bunton? The murderer is... Father Conan Murphy! I am fed up with people thinking I talk about clothes all the time. People only judge you on what you look like. Exactly. It's the same with fish. You've got the spotty one that's wacky, the fluffy one that's cute, and this ugly loser one that reminds me of my ex-boyfriend Steven. Did you know the largest fish in the world is the manta ray? And there's the ginger one that is full of useless information about manta rays. I don't get it. Why do people stereotype us all the time? We're getting predictable. Maybe I should stop being loud. Fat chance. Hold it there. Now give it to me. Why don't we give each other new characters? - Like what? - What about Bricklayer Spice? - Sexy! Come on, energy! - Or Trainspotting Spice. Smashing! How about Sporty-But-Interested- In-Other-Things Spice? Go for it, girls! Cheesed-Off-With-Cheesy- Photo-Sessions Spice. - There you are. - Thank you! And again. Let's go do our own thing. Come on. Hello, Mr Bond. Or can I call you James? Do you want that shaken or stirred? That's it. I'm off. I'm going. Hup, hup, hup, hup! I'm so sporty! My mummy's my best friend. I'm just too posh. When are Liverpool gonna win the cup, like, eh? Are we finished yet? Girl Power. Feminism. Do you know what I mean? Oh, no. I feel as if I'm being strangled. I nearly fell off these shoes and sprained my ankle. These are really tight. They go right up my bum. - These are really comfy. - Don't even think about it. - I'm getting these off. - I need some platforms. How can you wear these, Geri? You look crap in my clothes anyway. Yes! I've got the man for the job. He did the Fergie toe-sucking pictures, he got the Teletubbies taking a poo, and he can get Clinton tucking his T-shirt into his underpants. Sounds great, but where the hell is he? I'm here. How do we know you're any good? 7.45. You sniffing your socks before putting them on. 8.55. You in the lift, picking your nose. Another bogey breakfast. He's good. You again. Behind the bike sheds with Eileen when you were 12. He's very good. He's gone. Now hear this. After using the showers, could people please pick up the hair in the plugholes? It's unhygienic and can lead to flooding. Clifford, can't you just tell us normally? Next stop - publicity party. Beautiful people, reporters, interviews, lots of finger food. Have fun. That is all. - They're here. Don't look. - I'm not looking. I hate these parties. Everyone dresses over the top. They all ask how you are, and they don't even care. I should be at the footie now and... Do you know him? Sorry. - Do you know who I am? - Who are you? Piers Cuthbertson Smythe. I'm with the Spice Girls. Your name's not down, you're not coming in. You said he'd recognise you. I have to go to all the shows - Gucci, Pucci, Fendi... I was very disappointed with their spring collections. As for McQueen and Galliano, I could go either way. What do you think about manta rays? Oh, yes. Marvellous designer, Manta Ray. I love Manta Ray. These are Manta Ray shoes. These are his glasses. Bob, we have to sort your hair out. I'm gonna do your hair. What's wrong with the hair? Everybody's going on about it. We don't want to threaten a man's masculinity. - Of course not. - Or be dominating. Of course not. Men sometimes get all nervous and don't know what to say. Well, um...things... I'm gonna go to the toilet. Hello, Trish! I've been talking to a Spice Girl. I know. Bob, I think you look great. What the hell have you done? - Nicola, Nicola! Remember me? - Yes. Hi. We're with her. We have to get in. Spare ticket. We have a ticket. "And tonight is the night, "When three become one." - Thank you. - He's great, isn't he? I've got something important to ask you. If you don't want to do it, it's all right. I was thinking one of you could be godmother to the baby. But you're all my best mates. I want you all to be godmothers. It's got to be a Liverpool supporter. Hang on. Do godmothers get stretch marks? Sorry to interrupt, it's interview and photo time. - Do we have to? - Yes, it's your job. - I'm so sorry. - See you later. Girls, it's publicity for Saturday's show. Are you part of the Spice phenomenon? No, I'm just nobody. Excuse me a minute. So we're on a wide-angled lens? Running. And now tonight, I'll be asking the big questions. How are relationships moulded in this kaleidoscopic world the Spice Girls inhabit? Let's find out, shall we? So do you have any time for boys? Boys? Doesn't ring a bell. I think you should just be able to wheel them in, then they're there, and then that's it. Really? And order them like a pizza. I'll have a deep pan, 6-foot, green eyes, pair of loafers, and no socks. Yeah, no cheese. But you like boys, don't you, Geri? Come on. Is the Pope a Catholic? Apparently he is, yes. Church leaders have reacted with shock to reports that the Spice Girls have cast doubt on the religious conviction of the Pope. That's more like it! A Vatican spokesman said the pontiff was confused by the suggestion that he might not be Catholic. We asked the Bishop of Candleford what he thought. It's a terrible suggestion, almost blasphemous. Of course the Pope's a Catholic! Otherwise he wouldn't have become Pope, would he? What evidence do they have to support these allegations? Here we go. The backlash has started. When the rabbit of chaos is pursued by the ferret of disorder through the fields of anarchy, it is time to hang your pants on the hook of darkness. Yup. Whether they're clean or not. London to Milan Flight SG 1919 6.30am Why Milan? London to Milan Flight SG 1919 6.30am A TV special. Screaming kids. The usual. London to Milan Flight SG 1919 6.30am Are we there yet? What is this? No way. Clifford, what is going on here? Stop, stop, stop. Why are you stop-a? We didn't agree to have them dancing with us. You said it was going to be tacky, but this IS tacky. Hey, Bobby Charlton. Why are they stop-a? They're stopping because these clowns suddenly appeared. Molto, molto good dancer. Sure, but they should be on another show, or in a zoo. Look at his muscles. He's got ferrets burrowing under there. I know. I'm sorting it out. Over here. You think that's real down there? Looks like a pair of rolled-up socks. You carry on like this, I take the girls back. You take the girls back? What about the contract? Contract? In my bed I've got two teddies, a rabbit and two dollies. Susan's got a bad eye. The boys a-stay here. The girls a-go, I a-sue you. A.C. Milan? Nah. You're weak in your midfield. I've got a green giraffe. I felt sorry for him. Then there's Buzz, the alien, and a fluffy pink water bottle. So there's not enough room for you, mate. - Hey, your mother. - My mother? Si. Your mother. Hey. YOUR mother! - Mi mama? - Si, your big fat mother, and your brother-in-law and your mad cousin and your next-door neighbour's goat! I kill you. Go for it! Boys, boys, boys. Calm down. Have you not heard of "compromisation"? What? E pazzo. Crazy, crazy. - That looks better. - We agreed on a compromise. You'll never believe it - What on earth's that? - That's the compromise. Hey, Bobby Charlton! Culi bellissimi! Milan to London Flight SG 1819 Midnight Was that really worth it? Milan to London Flight SG 1819 Midnight I'm glad we've got the morning off. Milan to London Flight SG 1819 Midnight First one in a month. Milan to London Flight SG 1819 Midnight Are we there yet? - I'm dying for the loo. - So am I. Can we stop the bus? Dennis, pull over. The girls need to go to the bathroom...again. I'm bursting to go wee. Geri, I borrowed your shoes. Mind the spiders! Doesn't matter how successful you are. Sometimes you have to pee in the woods. How can all the toilets break down at the same time? It's not my fault. It's hard to get a plumber to your house, and that stays in one place. Try calling one out to a bus. Impossible. Can't you do something about them? - Like what? - Fix them! Listen. I love these girls, and I'll do anything for 'em. But I won't do that. Let's not go any further. I'm scared. Why is the countryside so bloody muddy? Something just brushed past me. It's only a beast that wants to eat you. - Oh, pack it in, Mel. - It wasn't me. I think we're lost. What's that? Oh, my God, run for it! I can't move! It's them! It's them! Look! Are you sure? Yes! There's the little blonde one. That's what you said before... ..and it was a sheep! Get off! I told you - shake hands! Geri, say something to them. Say something. What do you want with us? Are you the Spice Girls? Yes. Can we have tickets for your Albert Hall gig? I'm sorry, but they've all sold out. I told you we should've booked early! What's that? Can I have your autograph? It's for my brother. What's his name? - Is that 3 or 4 Ks? - I think that's 4. Could you sign this, please, Posh? Oh, gosh, you're fat. Give us a kiss, Ginger one! He wants you to snog him. Say "khttttyakkk"! Smile. What do you mean, aliens? Aliens from outer space. They had little squidgy faces. And cheap green coats. You're obviously under stress. You need some time off. I'm going to stand up to the chief. Be assertive. I'll ask him...no, tell him... the girls'll have the morning off. The answer is no, Clifford. Chief? The girls cannot have the morning off. Of course not, Chief. The fact that they've been working hard and they're exhausted is... - Irrelevant. - Irrelevant. Without sacrifice, there is no success. Without pain, there is no pleasure. And without something, there is no nothing. Very assertive, Clifford. You'd better go and tell them. - I know. - Go on, then. I'm going on, then. - Good-bye. - Good-bye. Hold on, hold on. Where are you going? We're going home to sleep. I'm sorry. There's been a change of plan. The schedule's too tight. No morning off. - Oh, nice one, Clifford. - You nearly had us there. You're not good at telling fibs. I'm sorry. There's too much to get through. - You're not joking, are you? - Oh, no. We've got to see Nicola in the morning 'cause the baby's overdue. Babies are allowed to be overdue. You're not. Please. I'll buy you a milk chocolate Magnum each. - OK. - No. - You can only push us so far. - Yeah, right. You just better watch it, mate. From now on, there's no more Mr Nice Spice. My God. - What do you think? - I don't know, mate. Fooled you! - Gotcha. - See you in the morning! Don't forget my Magnum. Now hear this. You are about to enter dance camp. You will be under the instruction of the toughest dance teacher ever, Mr Step. Right, you horrible lot! Left, right, left. Whoo. Yaah. Don't give me any of that Julie Andrews high-on-a-hill type claptrap. I'm your mother now, and I don't mean superior. Take that sweet out of your mouth! Right, now, shooo-tanoo. Shimmy, shimmy. Are you the dance teacher? That is correct. I'll show you my pas de bra, though that won't apply to you. Pay attention. One... Two, one... - This is ridiculous. - We can't dance like that. Yes, I know. I've seen your videos. That's enough. Shall we do our own thing? Can't even understand them. They talk so strange. That's it. We're gonna get fit, fit, fit. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4 Attention! Turn right! 3, 4, love it. Make your mothers proud of you. What sort of men are you, anyway? Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right. Left, right, left, right. Right, then. Spice Girls, regimental chant! Get in there! Where are you going? Get out of those tubes! Up that ramp! Hold that rope! That is not correct! I'll give you not correct. - No, I... - Get him! - Shoo-tanoo... - I'll give you shoo-tanoo! Lights out! It's not even dark yet. And you, Melanie. It's pathetic that we can't even sleep in our own rooms. What are we making such a fuss? It's only an old house. A big old house. A big, very old, haunted, big, old house. I had this horrible dream last night. We were doing the live show, and I went on stage. I was just about to open my gob, and nowt came out. But something even more weird happened. - You didn't have a head? - Yeah. How did you know? - I had exactly the same dream. - No way. No. I had exactly the same dream, but much worse. You see, I had a head, but with no make-up. Oh, no. I don't understand. What does it mean? Probably our subconscious minds, so we don't have to deal with our anxieties when we're awake. Like we'll be scared of this live show. And that we won't be able to sing. And it's gonna be a complete disaster. Oh, no. Let's just stay here together. Squash up. I'm going to sleep now. I really hate you, McMaxford! I hate you! Look at that! Look at that! More stories! More evil harpoons from the press! I wouldn't let it bother you. Chill out. What's wrong with you? The press can just flick off. Makes me want to strangle something. If we took any notice of that press, we'd go mad like you. "I just can't take any more." "It's all lies! I'm not like that!" "Bring me a straitjacket!" Yes, you can laugh! He's so uptight. He's gonna have a heart attack. Maybe he's not getting enough nookie. Could be. It would be perfect if he fancied Deborah. - Yeah. - Yeah. I reckon he's got a chance with her. She hasn't had a boyfriend in six months. No. He doesn't fancy her. He doesn't look at her when he's talking to her. That doesn't matter. You know what men are like. They don't like showing their emotions. There's these animals in the jungle or rainforest. When the male is courting the female, he pees on her. Geri, do you have to? It's his way of showing that he fancies her. And afterwards they mate. Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer flowers. OK, baby, here's where we get high-concept. Eight miles high. An Air Force Stealth bomber is hijacked by extraterrestrial terrorists. Inside the pilot's pocket is a computer disk with a virus encoded on it that is so deadly, it could destroy the world. The prime minister has no choice. He has to call in the Spice Force Five. Can you see the merchandising? Action figures? Crack operatives in their own field, a martial arts expert... Counter-espionage agent... explosives expert... The master of disguise... Girl Power. Equalisation between the sexes. And...ohh...Victoria. - Then what? Back to reality? - Absolutely. Hey, yeah. Yeah. Why not? What...kind of reality are you interested in? I'm open. Competition winners. The chance to make those fantasy figures become a reality. Dreams come true. The stuff of fairy tales. How's it feel to have won the trip with the Spice Girls? It's great. I expect your friends are really jealous. - Yes. - I'm sure they are. I love you, Victoria! How's that sound? A bit noisy? Planes, dogs, traffic. We won't be using this bit anyway. Come on. I hate that. Can't get a word in edgewise. They treat us like bloody kids. Welcome to the Spicebus. Cool. Girls, competition winners. - Hello! - Hello! Balloons, cakes, sandwiches. Fun, fun. Do you want a Polaroid? Jack and Evie, isn't it? Do you want something to eat? Why are there fish paste sarnies at parties? - No one likes them. - I know. Must be great being a Spice Girl. It's really good. Yeah. Be even better without our fascist slave driver bossing us about! Let's escape from this place! Don't worry. She does this all the time. She is mad. When I say "Go," we go. - Go! - Grab some crisps! - Let's go! - Where are we going? Just go with the flow! Take it easy, girls. - Where are they going? - They're being spontaneous. If they want to be spontaneous, they have to clear it with me first. Come on. Let's go! Can we have a ride on your boat? There's an aquatic adventure happening here. We need a really serious speedboat. - Dennis, follow them! - I'm on a trail, Clifford. The Spice Girls at sea. What an extraordinary combination of Girl Power and horsepower. Can't this thing go any faster? Avanti! Deborah, can you please explain what the hell is going on here? They're just having fun. You know, rock 'n' roll. Rock 'n' roll is getting off your face and throwing TVs out of windows. I don't remember boats. They're dancing. Can we have them dancing? I hear singing. Can you get what they're singing? Don't you remember being a kid? What? Falling over in the playground, scraping your knees. Deborah, what planet are you from? Hold on! Water on the lens. Here they come. Stop! Stop! Oh, my... A child in the water! I want a close-up! - All I get is you shouting. - Shush, then! Turn it round! Quick! Don't worry! I'll save them! At last, a real drama! Oof! Sorry! Get off! I'm filming. I got a loud splash, Piers. Just great! Parents lend us their kids, and we drown them! - Wow, that was brilliant! - Yeah, wicked! That was not supposed to happen! - You OK? - We're fine. You mean I got wet for nothing? - Help! - What? This dress is dryclean only, Melanie! Are there sharks in the Thames? Shut up. They're coming! Whose idea was this? - Yours. - Yours. Can we do it again? - Do you want to wear this? - I'm not that desperate. - Easy! Easy! - Are you all right? Do you realise what'll happen if this gets out? And more drama concerning the Spice Girls. Today, two young competition winners had a dramatic escape when they fell from a speeding boat on the River Thames. This report from James Platt. Would you like a rescue remedy? It's time for a chat. Look at this! Front page news again. Suppose you had been drowned? - We weren't. - Speak for yourself. What do you think you're doing? - We were just having fun. - What? You know, fun, like ha-ha-ha-ha-ha? We're old enough to be responsible for our own lives. You don't have a life. You have a schedule. You are part of a well-oiled global machine. People are working their butts off for you. - People like Deborah. - Leave my butt out of this. Just don't be so uptight, Clifford. Uptight?! You've got a live gig here tomorrow. It's my job to see you turn up. My bum is on the line! Could you please leave butts and bums out of this? Some things are more important than gigs. - Like what? - Self-respect and our freedom. And friendship. What are you saying? You don't want to turn up tomorrow? Maybe we don't! - Why did you say that? - I don't know. Listen, it's up to us whether we turn up or not tomorrow. OK. Stay at home. That's fine. - Fine! - What about the fans? - We can't let them down! - He didn't mean that. Didn't I? Please stop arguing! When you know exactly what is happening, could somebody please let me know? - Now look what you've done! - That's just too bad. Yeah, 'cause you know what? - I'm going home now. See ya. - Bye. Could we just stop this? It's doing my head in! I hope you know what you're doing! If you want a fight, you're gonna lose. So, what do you think? No, I don't want to hear it. What do you think? I think you definitely, definitely lost. I think... I may have started the break-up of the Spice Girls. It's fine, Chief. Everything's fine. - Oh, no, it isn't. - No, it isn't. How bad is it? Imagine how bad it could possibly be. - Yes? - Well, it's worse than that. - Oh, dear. - Don't get upset, Chief. - Oh, dearie me. - You're getting emotional. The show will go on, even if I have to round up four friends and personally dress up as Victoria. - May it not come to that. - I won't let you down. The headless chicken can only know where he's been. He cannot see where he is going. Do not be that chicken, Clifford. Chicken. Right. The girls have had a row with Clifford. They might not turn up for the show. Something strange is happening. What is it? Something's happening to my face. I...I think you're smiling. A very long time ago. Thanks, Brian. There we go, girls. That's six coffees. 1.50. - Put in on the slate, please. - What slate? The we'll-pay-you- when-we're-rich slate. Call me old-fashioned, but...no. - I'm not the Salvation Army? - It was worth a try. How's the career going? We've got this new song. What is it? Flip-flop or hip-hop? Funk? Where've you been for the last 10 years? Well, I don't know the music scene now. Anything goes these days. I'm a jazz man, and jazz is due for a comeback. They've got this great song. Do it for him. - Nah. He's not interested. - 'Course he is! Aren't you? Yes, you are. Sit down and listen. Let's do it! What do you think? Not bad. Just needs a bit more jazz. Wicked! - It'll make the top 20! - Wicked! It's great! I love it! - It's so sad. - That's what I was thinking. We used to live in there. - What are you doing here? - What are you doing here? Same as you. This seems like ages ago, doesn't it? It just shows you. You can't go back. I wonder what happened to Brian. We owe him for a couple of coffees. Let's go get some chips. Bacon butties for me. You don't care what you eat. No, I don't. I wonder if we've changed since we've been famous? I don't think I have. Nor have I. We worry about different things. Then it was, "Where's our next meal coming from?" Now it's, "Where's our next single going to?" And, "Is it over soon?" Melvin B, Emma, Melvin C, Victoria, Geri... You are guilty of releasing a single that is not as kicking as your previous records, nor does it have such a wicked bass line. You are sentenced to having your next record enter the charts at number 179 before dropping out the following week. What? Furthermore, you are sentenced to 20 years of having to appear on chat shows in Taiwan talking about how you used to be famous. May God have mercy on your lip gloss. Call Gary Barlow. We haven't got time for our friends anymore. Like Nicola. We're supposed to be godmothers to her baby. We haven't spent any time with her. Why don't we take her out tonight? Yeah! And go really mental! Yeah! We have a show tomorrow. What are we doing about that? If Clifford finds out he'll go beserk. What are we waiting for? - Yeah! - Come on! - Come on, Vicky! - I can't run in these heels. Thought I'd find you here. Sorry, there's only room for one depressed personality here. At least you're still alive. That's the bit that depresses me. I've got a degree in politics, philosophy, and economics, and I spend my life worrying whether Mel C is wearing the right Nike Air Max. - Did you sort them out? - Yes. Mind you, I'd rather be us than the girls. Fame is... Fame is a fickle thing. What can I get you? Gin and tonic, please. Just a minute. Can you make that a double? Yes. - You know what happens now? - What's that? We'll sit here and get self-pitying, telling each other tales of lost lovers, then deaden the pain with a night of passion and end up ruining our professional relationship. Well, I'm up for it if you are. Time, ladies and gentlemen. I hope Bob's here! You all right, Nicola? Fine. I won't be going out for a while, so I'm going to enjoy it. - I love this song! - That's because we wrote it! - Let's go and dance. - No, I'll watch you. Take care, Nicola. See you later. Could somebody please tell me what the dress code is here? - Excuse me! - Excuse me! Sorry. Can we sit down, please? I think the contractions have started. Maybe it's something you ate. I don't remember swallowing a baby. The baby's coming. Don't panic. - Don't panic. - I'm not panicking. What do you do in an emergency? - Call my mum! - We need an ambulance! - There's not enough time. - We don't need an ambulance! Dennis! We've got to get to the hospital! - All of you? - Just get there! Move 'em in. We're gonna hit the trail. - Ooh, that was a contraction. - Cuddle. Deep breathing. That's the thing. Not you, Victoria. Her! Does anybody know how to deliver a baby? - Don't look at me! - I know all about delivery. - Yeah, right. - I read it in a book. First...put your legs together. She should have done that 9 months ago. - Don't make me laugh, please. - Do not make her laugh, it'll shoot out like a cannonball. Seriously, what if the baby comes out right now? It's not gonna go far. She's still got her tights on. Stay there. We're not ready for you. - That's it! Push! - I am pushing! - Should she be pushing? - What else can she do? I'll turn myself inside out! - What's going on? - She's pushing! How dilated is she? Not very. She only had one gin. Calm down. This is going to take a long time. Oh, that's nice. It's all right. We're here. That's catchy. Excuse me? Are you the Spice Girls? Some of them. My son's unconscious. Could you talk to him, try and wake him up? - We can do that, can't we? - Sorry about this. Malcolm, the Spice Girls have come to talk to you! - Hello, Malcolm. It's Geri. - And Melanie C. And I'm Victoria, Malcolm! Shh. Stop it. What should we do now? - Maybe just talk to him. - What are we gonna say? You could take your top off, Geri. - Shut up! - Just a joke. Anyway, he's got his eyes shut. Not now. - How are you feeling? - Bad. Where are the girls? I don't know. I have no idea. How about trying to find out? Come on. Chop-chop. Hurry it up. Amazing how much pain mothers have to suffer. No wonder my mum thinks I'm so ungrateful. It's like passing a football. My mum says it was like passing a block of flats with balconies. Hello? Hi, Deborah. We're in hospital. No, we're fine. Nicola's having a baby. We can't leave her. Oh, no. I've got to go. Bye. I can't believe it. They're waiting for a friend's baby? - It's called loyalty. - No, it's called insanity. The world is waiting for this show and they're not here. They're doing it to spite me. They're trying to make me crack. But I won't. I won't. I spy with my bionic eye something beginning with "H". Hospital. Shut up, Geri. I'm off-duty now. Everything all right? Fine. Doing anything nice tonight? I'm going to see the Spice Girls' show. I'd better get a move on. See you all later... hopefully. Listen, this is silly. Don't wait for me. Go. Nicola, we said we'd stay, so we're gonna stay. - I think this is it. - Yeah, it is. Push down, Nicola. Very good. Hi, Clifford. No, I don't know when we'll be there. This is more important. It's about friendship. But you wouldn't know about that. I'll speak to you later. Bye. It can't take THIS long to have a baby! This is the nineties! He's about to crack up any moment. The sense of tension, of impending doom. Are you getting that sweat on his upper lip? That's beautiful. Clifford, have you got 5 minutes? Seeing as there's nothing else going around here - 5! Graydon, fetch! OK, here's the story! It's the girls' first live performance. They are... Only minutes until curtain up. Hopes of the Spice Girls' live triumph are dashed. My God! It's coming out! I think I'm gonna faint. - No, you're not! - Slap me! Oh! - It's a beet root! - It's a girl! With arms like that, she'll make a great goalie. Now, that is Girl Power. He's got a camera! You're that reporter, aren't you? - Emergency! - Get him, Melanie! I'm late for the theatre! The curtain's gone up! He crashes to the ground! Now the girls come face to face with their tabloid tormentor. The evil reporter is unmasked, and Damien's whole worthless life flashes before his eyes. The girls have made him realise that he's been living a lie. Do you know what? You've made me realize I've been living a meaningless lie. It's his character's one defining moment. There isn't a dry seat in the house. - I'm wet already. - I don't buy it. One minute, Damien's this threatening monster, the next, some weeping wimp. That's the power of Girl Power. - That's the end? - No. Damien goes after the evil boss, McMaxford. "McMaxford sacked in jacuzzi scandal." - What about the girls? - They must get to Albert Hall. They've been at the hospital for 12 hours. I don't believe it! Just when you need him! Now it's a race against time. - A chase? - Those are the rules. - Out of the way, girls. - What are you doing? Fasten your seat belts! Hey! That's my bus! What are you doing?! Out of the way! Come on! What are you doing? Are you blind? Put your foot down! Sunday drivers! It's only Saturday! The Spicebus is racing across London, through Trafalgar square, pigeons are flying up, guys are diving into fountains. As it zooms down the mall past Buckingham palace, Prince William's looking out a curtain. He turns to the queen - the queen, man! - and says, "Granny, look! It's the Spice Girls! "They're on telly in a minute! "Isn't that the posh one driving?" There's the queen! - Hi, William! - Hi, Charlie! Suddenly they're on top of the bus! - Why? - The rules. There they are, standing in gale force winds, holding on for dear life! Emma slips, but Geri grabs her! Then Geri slips, so Mel B grabs her. Then she slips so Mel C grabs her! Is that 4? Oh, there's one driving. They're on the bus, whiplashing back and forth, about to be turned into Spice Jam! - Oh, my God! - And? Two nuns pull up right in front! The braking tumbles them back inside. That was close. - Is everyone all right? - Victoria! Sorry! They're on the Tower Bridge. Your attention, please. The bridge will be lifted. The road is rising to let a boat through! The bridge is going up! They can't believe it! My God, I don't believe it! Are they crazy enough to jump the gap? Hold on to your knickers, girls! Hey, baby, these are the Spice Girls! Of course they're gonna go for it! Up it goes... a 5-ton London bus sailing through the air at 70 mph! - It's incredible! - It's expensive. Not necessarily. Just when you think they're safe, they discover the bomb. What bomb? That bomb. - Why?! - Those are the rules. I've had enough of the rules! Are you trying to kill them?! No more! They've suffered enough! Please! All right! All right! They run up to the Albert Hall, then they hurtle down the corridor, and they burst through that door right there. You lied to me. Now, now, hey, now. Hey, that's enough of that! Where are they? I'll re-write it. - Quick, we're late! - Clifford's gonna go mad! It's the coppers! Stay calm, it'll be all right. Is there a problem...Officer? Dangerous driving, criminal damage, flying a bus without a license, and frightening the pigeons. - Go on, Emma. Go. - What do I say? I'm really sorry, Officer. We were late for a show, so we were in a hurry. We didn't hurt anybody. We're sorry and promise never, ever to do that again. - Should we cut? - No, no! What's the matter with him? The very essence of documentary - silence. Silence. This is marvellous. This is the plan. The band starts up, the fans go wild, the lights come on, and I walk centre stage and hang myself. By the way, this is my good side. My final words are... "The Spice Girls - I hate them!" What are you doing sitting around? - We've got a show to do! - Let's do it! - Where are the mikes? - Where are the clothes? - Where are the bacon butties? - I love those girls. Hiya. I love those girls! - Damn. - My arm... That's ruined a perfectly good ending to this documentary. Everything's under control, Chief. Then let us enjoy this triumph while we can, before the hounds of catastrophe break free of their shackles and slobber chaos all over our faces once again. Ciao, Chief. - What did he say? - Does it matter? When you've been horrible to someone, and you want to make it all right again... - Yeah? - And you have to say stuff? - Apologise? - That's the one. - I want to do that. - You want to apologise? What do you think? Do we still have a professional relationship? Of course we do. Why ever not? Just a minute! I love you. Yeah? Let's go crazy! The marvellous Spice Girls! - We've got a deal. - Yes! I'm worried about me character. It's totally unreal. I'm supposed to be the baddie, but why do I hate the Spice Girls? - There's no reason. - He's a caricature. Sort of this evil, grotesque symbol about how power corrupts and perverts. But why can't I have a softer side? The kids are gonna hate me. They'll attack me in the street. As an artiste, a good kicking could be the highest compliment you'll ever get. They want me to play their road manager. I'm on a phone getting angry all the time. I don't want to end my career. Fat, stupid, lazy - it's all I get offered. The sort people always ignore. They want me to lose my Scottish accent. Fine. But the chest wig... - Where's Mel B? - There she is. - Hi, Mel. - Hello! - Hi, Mel. - You all right? This chest wig... - Hi. You're Mel B. - No, C. Just call me Sporty. "All right, sweetheart!" The saying from that film you did. - Yes. - What was it called? - With, um... - That was brilliant. - You were really good. - Thank you. We'd all like to say thank you for this. We needed a serious actress like you to give it some depth. We didn't want it to be... Superficial. Can I ask you about the chest wig? Oh, Graydon! Can I speak to you about our characters? In one scene, I'd like to be really angry and maybe slap someone... like Victoria. - Sure. Why not? - Emma? And I don't want to be on an exercise bike all the time. I've got this catch phrase I'd like to say. I go up to somebody and go, "I'm not from London, you know!" 'Cause you really are from London, right? Is that the joke? I got it. Does he not know I'm from Leeds? You lot, someone's watching us. Oh, yeah. Look at all those people in there. Hi! Hello! Look at them two snogging at the back. I bet you didn't see any of our film. - And look where your hand is! - Go on! Go on! Look at the mess they made with popcorn. Know what I wonder? Why do people sit there and watch the credits? It's probably the sad anti-climax. It's all over. Back to reality. I know where they're gonna go. They're gonna go to the pub and then to the chippy. Hey, you. No, not you. Behind you. To the left. I like your dress. Is that a new Gucci one? C & A, mate. Some people are watching this on video. Is there nothing on telly, then? You know what they're wondering now? What happened to the bomb? Ha ha ha! Thank you very much. European Captioning Institute