'Tis the Cleveland to Be Sorry

My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show. Hey, guys. Christmas is coming up, so here's my Christmas wish list. I would've put it on an iPad Mini, but I do not have one. And I want a Gucci purse, because I'm black or Italian. Hello and thank you for coming to "Getting What's Mine: A Dynamic Analysis "of Good versus Bad Behavior Over the Last Fiscal Year and its Relation to Presents Deserved. " That's it! I am tired of you selfish children begging like it's a pledge drive. I did not raise a house full of public radio stations. Nobody is getting anything for Christmas until they give something back. Givin' back! This year, we're all volunteering at the homeless shelter. Pass. Then you most definitely will not get that purse. Gaudy materialism! Fine. Then I'll get a job. Don't use me as reference! The rest of you, go up to your rooms and put together a bag of clothes to donate. Give 'em away! That includes you, Cleveland. Hope they like yellow shirts, blue pants and red thongs! Hey, sir, we came down to help feed the homeless. Did you bring forks? Uh Just kidding. They don't use forks. Are they Chinese? Choppysticky? Just get in the kitchen and help. Okay. Bye. Those onions getting to you? I'm chopping potatoes. Boo-boos. Mm. I'm so hungry, I could eat a sandwich meant for a peasant. Hand pain! Hey, those sandwiches were donated by the finest restaurants in town. They're for the homeless. Wow! Yum, yum, yum, yum. Meow, meow, meow. So, Grundle's department store maintains the highest standard for the celebration of Christmas, set over a hundred years ago by my grandfather, the original Harry Grundle. I want a job. Great, you're an elf. Now put these on. Next! Kendra? What are you doing here? You already got the part of Mrs. Claus. I'm reading for the role of Santy Claus. The fella who played him for the last 20 years died. How'd he die? A fart to the face. Ho, ho, h! I'm sorry, Kendra, you're just not right for the part of Santa. But I'm fat, jolly, and I only leave the house once a year. But you're not a man, doll. But I can do this job better than any man. Hey, Arch, you want to be Santa? No. Will you do it anyway? Yes. Sorry, Kendra, the role's been filled. I've never been so embarrassed. I doubt that. You're right. Cleveland, you okay? You haven't touched your food. Because I stole and ate seven sandwiches from the homeless shelter Going one more time from the top. Because your cooking is terrible Take three. I can't eat this. Not after what I saw at the sandwich buffet-- I mean, shelter. While there are men going hoagie-- hungry, how can I sit at this table, sandwiched-- correctly used-- between my children? Where are you going? To squat and pinch off seven sandwiches and head back to the shelter. Uh-oh. And then there were six. Bye for now. Here, take mine. Looks like you haven't had a good meal in days. Yeah. I'm homeless. But at least I'm not ham-less. Or cheese-less. I'm pretending to be homeless while eating a ham-and-cheese sandwich. I'm terrible. Come on, Tim the Bear, they don't all look alike. Don't let Lester start rubbing one off on you. Your sandwich, sir. Thanks, dummy. I've seen you around a lot lately. You make me sad. What's your name, sad man? Why's that? Didn't think of one. Oh. Well, I'm Maggie. Cleveland Brown. Mm-hmm. This is Reed. Backwash? No thanks, brought my own. And we call this gentleman The Prof. I guess this is some sort of research project for you? Oh, indeed. I'm conducting research on how many college students one can sleep with before they revoke your tenure and drain your life of meaning. Nine. That's not tobacco in that pipe, is it? No, it's not. So, what's your story, Brown? How'd you end up here? Just like anyone else, I suppose. Internet bubble. Housing bubble. Racism. Vietnam. Get in the chopper! Ah, everybody in the chopper's dead! Lieutenant Dan ain't got no legs! Why?! So I got a shopping cart and here we are. Well, on behalf of everyone here and the voices in my head, welcome. Welcome. Welcome. I'm gonna stab you in the face! I still think you'd make a great Santa. Well, unless I win the lottery and pay the $58,640 for genital reassignment surgery, I am never getting that part. Actually, that's kind of why I invited you out. Roberta, I will pay you back every cent. No! No, that's not what I meant. Look! Saa Suuuh Saaan Saaanta. Muh "Muh?" It says, "Santa Wanted. " Upside down "muh" is "wuh?" What do you think? Of being a "Laundrymat" Santa? Do you remember what you asked Santa for when you were five years old? I don't know what I You asked for a black Barbie with white Barbie hair. How do you remember that? An elephant never forgets. You told Santa it had to be that Barbie or nothing at all. Well, that's how I feel about Grundle's. If it ain't Grundle's, it ain't Christmas. Thanks, but no thanks. Hi, Roberta. You know I saw Eric Clapton in here once? Okay, new guy, time for hobo initiation. Shh. This is a hot dog. Take whatever you want. It's free. Wow! I feel like a kid in a used candy store. What else you guys got in this place? I'll be homeless for Christmas It's the life for me Donated food fight! Stealing toys For my two boys And girl. And flu vaccines for free Shelter life is awesome Except the smell of pee That's me! I'll be homeless for Christmas And never brush my teeth. Hey, guys, a truck full of sticks and bandanas crashed into a truck filled with cans of beans and harmonicas! It's what we've been waiting for! I want some. You're up, little boy. Don't be nervous. Nervous? I got on five pair of underwear. He ain't getting in there. Don't touch. What do you want? Well, I wanted to tell you that I was a good boy this year. Define "good. " I always finished my plate. That's what you're supposed to do. I also brushed my teeth every night. Don't care. Dental hygiene is its own reward. What do you want for Christmas? A Nerf Vortex Nitron Blaster. You'll get a wooden tennis racket. It was good enough for Bjorn Borg, it's good enough for you. Ho, ho, ho. Good-bye. What?! Well,! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Sorry, Roberta, but even a pallet ride around the yard can't cheer me up. Maybe this will. I tricked her out. A new coat of paint, stainless steel runners and hydraulics that can carry half a ton of presents and half a ton of you. Why did you do this? Look, you remembered what I wanted ten years ago. That's who should be Santa. Not that monotone jerk who buys us beer. Roberta, Mr. Grundle already told me no. You can't let sexism get in your way. Stand up to him. I can't stand up! Whatever. I'm done with getting my hopes up, This is why I've never spoken to you before this week. Junior, we're off to Grundle's. I really do wish I could come, but they're short-handed at the shelter. That's okay. The kids and I will be fine. You're doing a great thing. Well Proud of you. Tickles. Merry Christmas. I'm Ari Cohen, filling in for everyone. Tonight, we'll be crowning our annual Christmas Angel? Whatever. But first, let's check in with the Grundle's Xmas Xtravaganza. And, in an effort to appeal to younger viewers, we go to a rapping vampire, live on the scene. I'm sorry to report there's no Christmas cheer 'Cause Santa Claus is nowhere near The kids are crying, the parents are This is ridiculous. I've been doing this for 130 years. What happened to the days when a vampire could just read the news? Anyway, Santa's a no-show and the kids are upset. It looks like Christmas is canceled. Santa forgot Stoolbend. Where are you, Santa? No Santa? Roberta was right. It's up to me to save Christmas. Hold on, childrens. Santa's coming. Oh, no! Oh, no! Wait, I know. Rascal, rise! Oh, well. I've done everything humanly possible. Good-bye, world. You were delicious. Don't want. Don't want. Don't want. Holy crap! London Fog! Now it's time for our Christmas Angel Award. This year's winner was nominated by his wife for his work at the Stoolbend Shelter. That's where we are. Cool! Desk lamp? Give it to me! I need that! We go there now as this unsuspecting angel is about to get his wings. Hey. Look. I'm on TV! Give me that camera! I'm homeless! I want it! Cleveland, you're pretending to be homeless? Yes. But I've continued to wash down there. Hmm? Tonight? No? But it's Christmas. Cleveland Brown sucks! You give a homeless guy a sandwich, and you're a hero. You take a homeless guy's hero, and suddenly you're a sandwich. Well! Cleveland, a word-- now. Well, we had a good run, buddy. I'd love to say we'll keep in touch after the divorce, but I'm not one for lying on Christmas. You have completely ruined this family's good name. You will apologize and make this right. Okay. Good morning, members of the press and unwashed bloggers. I stand here in a dark suit with my lawyer by my side and my wife behind me, barely able to conceal her anger as she nods dutifully to show support, so that I can publicly apologize for my actions. What I did at the shelter was wrong. It was low down. Way low down. Like a midget. Really? And while trying to apologize for my actions, I insulted little people, which was wrong. It was worse than interracial marriage. Serious? Isn't that in the Bible book? Without interracial couples, we wouldn't have Halle Berry. So, obviously, I can't be against that. I'm not some drunk Indian on the rez. I knew it when I said it. If you Native Americans had even the most basic system of ownership, none of this would have happened. Anyway, it's not as if you're a bunch of low-life pervs lurking in chat rooms to pick up underage boys. No way! You've got to be kid And while I cannot support your man-boy love, I appreciate that you'd allow me to continue my apology tour. Please know that I am sorry. Me so belly, belly solly. Hey, Brown. Where you been? I just wanted to come by and apologize. For what? For pretending I was homeless. Did that happen one minute ago? No. Then I forgot about it. Ha! You fried. Hungry? This is just government cheese and nonorganic processed ham food. What happened to this place? This is what it's like the rest of the year. Christmas is the only time anyone in this town gives a crap. You know what? We need to talk some sense into this town. We're going to Grundle's. Right now? What, you got a tee time? "Tee" standing for "trash"? Just teasing. Y'all bums come on. Hey, is that a wheel? Three more, and we can build a wagon, which we could sell for drugs. Kendra! Are you okay? I've got to get to Grundle's. That's where we're going. It's a Christmas miracle or something. You'll have to pull me. With what? I have a rope. It's too dark. I can't see a thing. I can help. Here goes 20 minutes of sobriety. Hyah! Hyah! Hmm, I wonder if I'm Dasher or Prancer. - Prancer. - Wha? It's after Christmas, and I still have to wear the shorts? Mr. Grundle, why do all the men get to wear long pants? I don't hire boys to see their legs, and I don't hire girls to hear them talk. Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! Santa! Santa, we thought you forgot us. Oh, I didn't forget you. Mrs. Claus had a hysterectomy, and I had to be there. But thanks to an elf who never gave up on me, I'm finally here where I belong. Now, who wants presents? We do! Uh-oh. Uh, everyone just take one thing from the store and walk out quietly and confidently. They can't stop all of you. The day after Christmas is saved. Back to work, Hot Legs. You know what, Mr. Grundle? I'm sick of your sexist ways. Okay. I quit. And if you like these shorts so much, why don't you wear them yourself? We will no longer be objectified. Come on, let's keep warm. Good people of Stoolbend, hear me speak. Hey, it's the guy who stole from the homeless. Undeserved Christmas angel! Sandwich Grinch! I've tried to apologize for many things recently and failed, but I come to you now for one last apology-- yours. For one week every year, you open your closets, your wallets and your hearts to the less fortunate, but the moment Christmas is over, you forget all about these smellies. I say, let's treat the homeless as if every day were Christmas. Or Chanukah. So let's all apologize to the homeless. I'm sorry. It's a juicer. I have no use for this. You're welcome. Cleveland, you may have done the wrong thing, and then several more wrong things trying to correct that wrong thing, but you made up for it all with a small token gesture that required no personal sacrifice. I did, didn't I? Baby, I'm the greatest. So I guess this is good-bye forever. You could still come see us. No.