Grand Theft Mario

(Mario & Luigi are driving on their Kart along the road.)

Luigi: Oh no, Mario! The bridge, she's-a closed.

(The bridge is out. So, they turn to a different path. They come to a fork in the road.)

Mario: Uh, which way should we go?

(They choose the right path. When they enter Vice City from the Grand Theft Auto series, their Kart's right front tire blows out.)

Luigi: Oh, look at that! We got a flat tire!

Mario: Look! A repair garage. I'll pull in there.

(The Mario Brothers enter the garage. When they come out, they are in a different car.)

Mario: Mama mia! Luigi we've got a Pimped-out ride!

(The car lifts on its wheels, and the Mario Brothers drive over to a parking meter and stop.)

Luigi: We need some coins Mario, We have-a no money.

Mario: Leave-a it to me.

(Mario goes under a brick building. He tries to smash it to get coins, but just bangs his head instead. Luigi rushes over.)

Luigi: Mario are you okay? Oh, look. It's a turtle. (A little girl is walking her turtle on a leash. Luigi, thinking it is a Koopa Troopa, jumps and kills it.)

Little Girl: What are you doing?! You just killed my turtle!

Luigi: Oh, my god! Uh, I'm-a so sorry!

(Five "Most Wanted" stars appear in the top of the screen. One fills in. A policeman arrives on the scene.)

Cop: Hey, what's going on here?

Mario: Luigi let's get out of here!

(Mario and Luigi flee the scene. Another star fills in as the cop shoots at them. The Mario Brothers drive up to a hooker and mistake her for Princess Peach.)

Mario: Look, Luigi! It's the princess! (to hooker) Princess, you must-a come with us!

Hooker: I'll suck your c**k for fifty bucks.

Mario: Princess!

Luigi: Do you accept-a coins?

Mario: Come on, Princess! We've got to go!

(They grab the hooker and flee. Another star fills in as a pimp spots them.)

Pimp: Uh-uh! Uh-uh! No, that's my bitch! (He shoots at them. Mario is wounded.)

Mario: Oh no! I'm-a hit! What is this?

Hooker: That's blood, baby.

Luigi: Oh, Mario! We need to find you some-a mushrooms so you can-a heal.

Hooker: I know just the guy.

(They drive up to some drug dealers. One of them offers a "Magic Mushroom" to Mario.)

Dealer: (gives Mario a Magic Mushroom) This is some really good s**t, man.

(Mario eats the mushroom. When he is finished, his eyes swell up.)

Mario: Ah-ha-hi! Oo-hoo! Wow! I feel-a really good! Look at the pretty colors. Ha-hi! Hoo-hoo! Hee-hee!

(The hooker and the drug dealers all flee. Another star fills in as the Mario Brothers are pursued by the police.)

Luigi: Oh, Jesus! It's the fuzz!

Mario: (thinks he sees coins on the road) Ah-ha-ha! I-a feel so funny! Look, there's-a coins everywhere! Ha-ha! I'm-a rich!

Luigi: Mario, no!

(The coins are actually pedestrians as Mario runs over them. The final "Most Wanted" star fills in.)

Luigi: I think I should-a drive!

(They crash and fly out of the car.)

Cop: Freeze! Put your hands in the air! (The Mario Brothers do so. Unfortunately, Luigi has a wrench.)

Cop: Aaah! He's got a wrench!

Cop: Take him down!

(The cops shoot Luigi.)

Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Luigi: Maama-mia! (chokes and dies)

Mario: He's-a marinating in his own Ragù! You killed-a my brother! You sons of-a bitches!

(Mario grabs a M3 submachine gun and shoots the cops and blows up the police cars. A helicopter is also shot down and crashes into a nearby building.)

(The army and SWAT show up.)

Mario: You'll never take me alive, you mother f-- (They shoot him.) Ughh!

(Mario dies as his blood spills out onto the sidewalk. The screen fades to black.)

(Yoshi is driving on his Kart and comes to a fork in the road from the beginning. He chooses the left path.)

Yoshi: Hmmm... Raccoon City sounds lovely!

(Yoshi enters Raccoon City from the Resident Evil series and promptly gets eaten by zombies.)