Warring Factions

Warring Factions is the first episode of the British sitcom Peep Show. It originally aired on September 19, 2003. Lines in parentheses represent internal monologues spoken by the characters via voice-over.

Transcript
[Opening credits]

[Inside Jez's room, where he his playing a musical track he has composed]

Jez: (This is fucking wicked. I am almost definitely a musical genius). [Looks at himself in the mirror]. (Maybe a tattoo on my chest, but of my face. Yeah, double me! Feel it!)

[In the streets; Mark is running towards the bus].

Mark: (She's on there, she's on there. Got to get the same bus home. Don't go! Almost there. Yes, I am the lord of the bus, said he! Where is she? Knickers! She's not on here...)

Sophie: Hey Mark!

Mark: Sophie!

Sophie: We must stop meeting like this.

Mark: I was running. Were you running?

Sophie: I was right behind you. I shouted but-

Mark: Of course, stupid music. Why don't you?

[Sophie sits down on his hand]

Sophie: So what did you make of Jeff's memo?

Mark: (Oh no, shit! She's... I should say. No, too late. Already it's too late. Maybe if we hit a bump I can slip it out, or keep shtoom, ride it out. Gonna need to waggle eventually, keep the circulation going).

Sophie: God there's something - Mark, have you got- Your hand?!

Mark: Oh, I was going to say, but I just... Sorry.

Sophie: No, no. It's fine. [Gets out a book and starts reading].

Mark: (Of course, she's giving you the book-off. Women don't want your hands under their bottoms, Mark. That's been established. That's a given. She sat on it officer, it was an accident. Of course it was, now get in with the nonces.)

[Mark is on his way home]

Mark: (What a disaster)

[Gets approached by some children]

Boy: Oi mate, can I have some of your Coke?

Mark: (They're going to trap me, and their brothers will hack me to-)

Boy: I said can I have a bit of your-

Mark: Here, look, you can-

Boy: Hey look, he's a pedo!

Boys: Pedo! You fucking pedo!

Mark: (You're not a pedo. You're definitely not a pedo.)

Boys: Pedo! Go home man!

[Mark is at home reading a book]

Mark: (Those kids have no idea whatsoever of what went on at Stalingrad. Although I can in no way compare my struggle of reading it with that of the Red Army. It has been a very big read.)

[Mark turns on the TV]

Woman on TV: I'm basically hoping to meet someone like myself.

Mark: (Pfftt. That's exactly the opposite of what I'm looking for.)

[Jez comes into the living room]

Jez: Hey man.

Mark: Hey man.

Jez: I'm telling you, now I know whatshisname felt when he finished the Mona Lisa - Knackered. So how was your day?

Mark: Shit.

Jez: Well, Toni came round to drop this off. [Hands Mark a party invitation].

Mark: Hm? A party? Did you, you know, make your move?

Jez: No, she was going to Starbucks to read a book. It's one of her things. Besides, the move, it's not a whole Sophie uptight situation. We're just gradually sliding into a fuck buddy scenario.

Mark: Fuck buddy?

Jez: Yeah, a buddy... You can fuck. I mean we're both so relaxed about the whole sex thing. Last time I was around there I watched a porno. Four in the afternoon - just me and her watching a porno. I mean, that's me. I'm not ready for the kind of thing you're after. The whole someone to go to Waitrose with.

Mark: Yeah I suppose. (I don't want to go to Waitrose. I want a fuck buddy.)

Jez: (I wish I was her fuck buddy next door. We could do it through the wall.) How thick is wall?

Mark: Depends. So, which Starbucks did she go to?

[Mark is in the lobby and looking through the letterbox at the children who harassed him earlier]

Mark: (Come on, come on. Piss off. I want to go to the shop. Need a poo, got to have loo paper. I should just be able to walk out of my own front door. What's wrong with me? Would be great if a car just ploughed through the lot of them. Twisted, broken bones.)

[The door opens and Mark falls to the floor]

Toni: Jesus, Mark! Are you OK?

Mark: Hi Toni, I'm fine. I was just checking the letterbox for - sometimes they get stuck in there [Holds up a letter] And the next thing you know you're phone's cut off. [Gets up]

Toni: Right. God, you know they haven't got any Alpen at that stupid corner shop.

Mark: No?

Toni: I asked them "Have you got any Alpen?" He said "No." I said "Are you going to be ordering any in?" and he said he didn't know!

Mark: Oh right, that is a bit crap.

Toni: It's ridiculous! What kind of a shop doesn't have Alpen?!

Mark: I don't know. (Go on.) I've got Alpen!

Toni: Yeah?

Mark: Yeah, I mean... You could have some. (What are you doing? What about the poo?)

[Mark and Toni are eating cereal in Mark's kitchen]

Mark: (If I could just hold it in... I think it's retreating.) So, here we are then. Bowl o' Alpen.

Toni: It always makes me think of skiing holidays. We always used to go skiing on holiday. Me, my mum, my sister.

Mark: I've got a sister. She's a lawyer actually. (Don't boast!) What does your sister do?

Toni: Not much. She's got leukemia.

Mark: (That's what you get for trying to flirt.) That's terrible, I'm so sorry. I suppose, I mean at least it's not cancer.

Toni It's a form of cancer.

Mark: Shit, that's terrible. My gran died of cancer. Although hopefully your sister won't. Obviously... Listen, let's talk about something else. Something fun. Do you like Blackadder? I got the Blackadder set for Christmas.

Toni: I never really -

Mark: No, no, sure, forget it. Terrible idea.[Looks at a CD containing Jez's track] I know something funny.

[Mark and Toni are in Jez's room, listening to his track]

Jez's Track: This is outrageous! This is contagious!

Mark: And he's been working on it for about a month.

Jez's Track: Soooo futile!

Mark: Wait, this is the best bit.

Jez's Track: Waaaaaaaaa!

[Jez arrives home]

Jez: (This Grammy goes out to my homeboys in Compton, the Japanese people who mean so much to me) [Hears that Mark is playing his track] (Hey, Mark's playing my track. Ah, he just can't get enough of that shit.)

[Jez comes into his bedroom to see Mark and Toni laughing]

Mark: Jez!

Jez: What's going on? Toni? [Quickly leaves]

[Mark is in the kitchen making lunch]

Mark: (Great idea Mark. Humiliate your best mate just to - I mean why didn't we just play Othello? Oh I'd love to bang her. Just buckle down, do your time like Leslie Grantham.)

[Jez comes in and switches of the radio]

Mark: Hey Jez, you're up.

Jez: Yes that's right. I'm up.

Mark: I'm making chicken tikka. Plus, I've bought us lots of great stuff: Dune on DVD, Bakewell slices, gin [opens the fridge] and Sara Lee. [Jez takes some food out of the fridge] Plus, I was thinking, you know that 30 quid you owe me? Let's call it quits, yeah? I mean not quits, but you know. [Jez takes a large spoonful of food and ignores Mark] I'm just really really really really sorry Jeremy. (Maybe he doesn't mind. Maybe nobody minds about things as much as me.) Cause it was only a balls up. I ballsed up, and now we're fine. This'll be ready in a minute and we can eat it in front of ''Hitler's Henchmen. ''

Jez: Yeah.

Mark: And listen. You know Kerry? Cancer Kerry?

Jez: Yeah.

Mark: I need to find out for a friend the name of that Chinese doctor she was raving about. Can you remember?

Jez: Sure. [Mark gets a piece of paper and writes down the name Jez tells him] It was Dr Ying Fu Yip Wang Shong Pang Fang Wang Dang Dong Wing Po Ku.

Mark: Oh right. I see, I get it. You are lampooning me. It was a simple lampoon.

[Jez is in the pub and meets up with his friend Super Hans]

Super Hans: Hey Jez. What's up man?

Jez: Super Hans!

Super Hans: [To bartender] Pint of Guinness please, no logo on the foam.

Jez: No logo on the foam?

Super Hans: You don't buy into that, do ya? What the old "Ooh, I've got a clover in me foam. I'm so important." No, what you're doing there is you're drinking an advert. Ain't yah, eh, shithead. [Hands the bartender money, and the bartender gives him a pint of beer] Thank you. So, you got our track?

Jez: No, I've been thinking, I'm not sure. I think maybe it's shit.

Super Hans: Woah! Hold it cowboy, rewind, what's shit? The track's shit? Jez, the track's the shit.

Jez: It's just I found Mark laughing at it.

Super Hans: What, so Mr Ocean fucking Color Pants don't get it. Quelle fucking surprise.

Jez: Plus, he was doing it in front of Toni.

Super Hans: Mate, you gotta get some rewengay. He broke omertà.

Jez: You think?

Super Hans: Listen, the whole industry's run by suits like your mate.

Jez: Do you think that's why we haven't hot a deal yet?

Super Hans: Course it is. They're all a bunch of Marks, ain't they. Sitting behind on their big marble desks, ties done up to 11, clicking their fingers to the fucking Lighthouse Family, getting their dicks sucked by a big Alsatian dog.

Jez: Yeah.

Super Hans: They're all perverts mate. All in with each other. It's not who you know, it's who you blow.

Jez: Right.

[Mark is returning home late at night]

Mark: (Why shouldn't I go for Toni? So she scares me. You can have good relationship with someone that scares you. Just look at me and dad.)

[Comes across the same children from earlier]

Mark: (Oh shit. Relax, relax, it's OK, you're not a pedo. You're just a normal human being walking past some simple children.) Hi there.

Boy: Hey look, it's clean shirt

Mark: (Clean shirt? What does that mean? Isn't that good?)

Boy: How do you get that shirt so clean mate?

Mark: (I can handle it. Use the power of reason.) Look, I know it must be difficult being a kid, not a lot of schemes, but you know I'm not the borough. I wish I was but -

Boy: Fuck off clean shirt!

Mark: I'm just a man. Can't we just - [The boys start kicking him] Hey! No! Ow! Don't kick my bum! Stop it! [The boys laugh at him as he runs off home]

[Mark is at home making his way to his bedroom]

Mark: (Me and Toni, Toni and me. When his kooky charm starts to cloy I'll be right there. Fuck buddy number two. Yeah right, wait for the crumbs to fall while my nuts slowly shrivel. Actually I hope they do shrivel, they're getting distubingly -) [Removes the sheet from his bed to discover "JUDAS" written on his bed with pork] 

Jez: What's the matter? I thought you liked pork.

Mark: But how did? What does it mean?

Jez: It means omertà. It means rewengay.

Mark: Look, I'm sorry, OK? I'm sorry I humiliated you in front of Toni.

Jez: Don't think I can't see you Mark, trying to get a slice of my action because Sophie the office girl won't put out.

Mark: All right, the gloves are off are they? Well, perhaps it's best you do know what I think of your music.

Jez: Well lets have some more truth shall we? Yeah, yeah? Cause the truth is you're a posh spaz!

Mark: Oh really, well I'd love to know in what way I am a posh spaz.

Jez: In the way you're always doing posh spazzy things like tidying up and ironing your socks.

Mark: I do not iron my socks!

Jez: Socks, shirt, whatever!

[Mark is in the kitchen eating spaghetti]

Mark: (I'm going to the party and I'll get her in the end. I have the power of the brain, the most erotic muscle. A longbow beats the crossbow my idiotic friend.)

[Jez sits down with him and takes some of his spaghetti]

Mark: Hey! Look, just lay off. [Jez tries to take Mark's drink] That's my bit of lager!

Jez: Oh, I get it. Are you going to do me in?

Mark: Don't be ridiculous.

Jez: Are you going to punch me Mark? Is that it? Is that what's going to happen?

Mark: You just You You're lucky I don't - You're just very very lucky.

Jez: You're an animal, Corrigan. You must get your tie done up to 11 or else all of the grey office envy sludge will spill out and drown you! And you've got weird nuts!

Mark: What? How did you?

Jez: If you're going to watch the TV in your dressing gown, you might want to put some pants on.

[Mark and Jez are outside Toni's apartment]

Mark: So I'm glad we cleared the air.

Jez: Me too.

Mark: I feel better, much better. Like a weight has been lifted.

Jez: Me too. That's exactly how I feel. [Rings the doorbell and Toni answers the door]

Toni: Hey, hey, hey! It's the guys, come on in. [They enter]

Jez: So, Toni's friends. Who, what, why, where?

Toni: Well that's the fun. I don't know anyone, these are our neighbors.

Mark: Neighbors?

Toni: Why? Did you think I was going to invite my friends? You know who your real friends are when you set fire to Hampton Court Maze because you can't take any more of your husband's shit.

Mark: Yeah, well its great to know your neighbors, I mean not just from a home security point of view but -

Toni: Right, exactly. So, drinks?

Jez: Wicked. [Follows Toni into the kitchen] (If I laugh at everything she says, I'm bound to at least get a suck job.)

Mark: (Maybe I should forget it, leave her to him. Concentrate on the long game. Work on a six pack by Christmas then - Why should I? We really had something going when we were laughing at Jeremy!) [Sees Jez and Toni talking with each other] (Oh too late, they're bonding.)

[Jez is laughing at a fridge magnet shaped like an egg] 

Toni: What's so funny, it's only a fridge magnet.

Jez: I know but it look just like a fried egg.

Mark: (Ha ha, twot.)

[Jez is in the living room talking with another woman, while Mark and Toni are talking to each other]

Paula: Yeah, but if I pull out now, that's the deposit gone.

Jez: Right, nightmare.

Paula: On the other hand -

Jez: (Jesus, how did I get trapped with her? She's definitely the most boring person here.) [Looks at three people talking to each other] (I mean they look great, they're probably talking about how they're going to make a real life porn movie with a proper story and everything. I could do the music.) So where do you live in the building?

Paula: Oh I don't live here, I'm Toni's sister.

Jez: Oh, OK, and what do you do?

Paula: I work in the music business.

Jez: You do? Well that's amazing! That's just really amazing!

[Toni is explaining the rules to a party game]

Toni: Everyone writes down someone famous, we swap, put them on our foreheads and you work out who we are by asking questions. It's really really funny because you - Anyway lets just play.

Jez: [Writing down "Cockmuncher" on his card] (Heh-heh, yeah this is it. Paula's gonna love this. Very Iggy.) [Tries to stick it on Mark's forehead]

Toni: No, no, no Jez, when you're finished just put your Rizla in the bowl.

Jez: Oh well, could I do mine again then?

Mark: We're not playing for points, mate.

Barry: Come on, just drop it in old chap.

[Toni is playing with Mark]

Toni: I give up.

Mark: No just don't - this one's mine!

Toni: Tim Henman?

Mark: Yeah, how did you know?

Toni: Hey Jeremy, have you worked out yours?

Jez: [Having been given a card which says "David Blunkett"] Don't even go there, it is literally impossible. Turns out I was just someone's secretary.

Mark: The home secretary, Jeremy. You're the home secretary.

Jez: Yeah, right whatever. We're just popping next door.

Mark: You're going next door? (The coast is clear. The coast is clear!)

Jez: That's right, I'm taking Paula back to listen to my work. She seems like someone who'd appreciate a good track when she heard it.

Toni: Cool, don't do anything I wouldn't do sis! Which leaves a hell of a lot of leeway [Laughs]

Mark: (I am in here. Sis! Sister! Shit!) Excuse me. Jez? Can I have a word?

Jez: Yes, that's right, I'm going. The coast is clear. I don't expect you'll get very far but by all means have a pop at the champ.

Mark: I though I better tell you, Paula, she's, she has cancer.

Jez: What? Are you serious?

Mark: I just thought I'd better mention it. You don't wanna drop a clanger.

Jez; No, right.

Old lady: [Wearing the "Cockmucher" card Jez made for Mark] Is it Jamie Oliver?

Jez: Look, you're a cockmuncher, OK?

[Paula is listening to Jez's track in his bedroom]

Jez: (Of course you can't catch cancer. I'd have heard it. Someone would've said.)

Paula: OK, I think I've heard enough. [Jez turns the track off] Yeah, it's OK.

Jez: Do you really think so? (What kind? Blood, bone, knee, face.)

Paula: Yeah, I mean I like it.

Jez: Great! I mean that's great!

Paula: Listen, I'm guessing you didn't invite me round to your room just to listen to some tape. RIght?

Jez: (Shit. Of course, it's who you blow.) No, no, sure. I know the rules, yeah. Let's get it on, baby. [They kiss]

[Mark is in Toni's living room, talking with her]

Toni: Barry, that guy is one serious power tripper. He was all over my Rizla game!

Mark: (OK Mark, you asked for it, now you got it. She's looking for a fuck buddy, change gears. Sauce things up.)

Toni: He just so "Yah, take the A304" I mean "Yes, we can see your hairy chest, and no, we're not impressed."

Mark: So Jeremy tells me you two watched a porno together. You know, I'd be into -

Toni: That wasn't a porno. That was The English Patient.

Mark: (Ha! What an idiotic boob. He's out, I'm in. Now, what's my schtick? Yeah.) You know, the Red Army shot 16,000 of their own men at Stalingrad.

Toni: OK?

Mark: And of course, the majority of the Wehrmacht had no winter clothing. [Barry walks by] (I'm the tank commander now Barry.)

Toni: I know how they feel. You buy classic but classic keeps changing.

Mark: You see, by the winter of '42, the whole city was surrounded by the massed 6th army. It was pressing and pressing. The Russians couldn't hold on much longer. Many wanted to submit...

Toni: Mark, you know I just don't bang anyone, yeah. I'm not some kind of next-door fuck jar.

Mark: No, no, of course not, what I mean is that the German supply lines were stretched, Zhukov countered and the siege was broken. And that's the story of Stalingrad.

[Jez and Paula are kissing in Jez's room]

Jez: (You're a sunshine coach, bringing a last smile to her-) [Paula is about to take her hat off] If we've got to do this, do you mind keeping the hat on? It's just - sorry.

Paula: We don't have to do anything, Jeremy.

Jez: No?

Paula: No.

Jez: I don't mind. I'd just rather not We could take Polaroids of me, you know, all excited and you could take them away or something. I am very keen to sort you out, so to speak.

[Toni's apartment]

Mark: (That was embarrassing. Not a fuck jar. Don't dwell, no need to dwell. Think charming, considerate.) So your sister, she looks great considering...

Toni: Considering what? Considering she doesn't have any dress sense?

Mark: No, no, you know, the whole thing. The leukemia.

Toni: Oh no that's not Paula. Paula's my half-sister. No, Paula's doing fine, apart from her idea of a birthday present is a bunch of CD singles. And yes, I do know you get them for free.

Barry: Toni, we're dry. I was thinking someone should run to the offy before it shuts.

Mark: (The second front. I can win on the second front.)

[Mark is going to the liquor store]

Mark: (I'm gonna be the knight on horseback with an armful of booze and enough nachos to feed the Mexican army.) [Notices the children from earlier are in front of the store] (Oh shit. Shit. Fuck off! Why don't you fuck the fuck off? Just run the gauntlet, the little bastards will... It's gonna shut as well) [Notices a man walking by] Uh, excuse me, mate? Sorry to bother you, this is a bit embarrassing really but you couldn't possibly buy me a couple bottles of wine, Pinot grigio maybe?

Boy: Oi! Look, it's that pedo! Haha pedo!

[Jez is playing the keyboard]

Jez: But on the song, do you really like it?

Paula: Yeah, it's hard to get that excited about. [Rolls up a joint] 

Jez: Yeah, I guess you're not in the right frame of mind to... (Don't go on about it, Jesus.)

Paula: I mean are you going to do anymore work on it?

Jez: (How much time has she got?) Maybe. I mean, how long are you planning to stay in your job?

Paula: You know, as long as I last. [Starts smoking]

Jez: Right. Look, should you be doing that?

Paula: Probably not, but you know, fuck it.

Jez: Jesus. You know, I do think you're brave. I just think you're very very brave.

Paula: I make my decisions, I stick by them. Everybody said you couldn't market acid jazz to the over 30s and I was like "Fuck that shit!"

Jez: Listen to you, you beautiful crazy thing. I meant... the cancer.

Paula: I'm sorry? Which cancer?

Jez: The bloody cancer eating you away!

Paula: OK, would you like it if I did have cancer?

[Mark return to Toni's apartment empty handed]

Mark: (I bet Zhukov would've got some booze.) [Sees Barry pouring Toni a glass of wine] (Oh!)

Barry: Oh, you're back. I think it's winding down a bit now actually, mate.

Mark: (Bastard.)

[Jez and Paula come back to Toni's apartment]

Jez: Oh yeah! Very funny! I suppose you think cancer is this huge enormous practical joke!

Mark: What? Oh Jeremy, I'm so sorry. I thought...

Jez: No, no you're quite the guy. Certainly not the kind of sicko to ruin someone's music career by suggesting certain other people have cancer! [Laughs hysterically] What joke is next? Hey Jez, your mum's dead! Bo-boom! Bloody hilarious!

Toni: What's going on?

Mark: I accidentally told him Paula had cancer.

Toni: Jeremy, Mark got it wrong. He thought Paula was ill, she's not. Honest mistake.

Jez: I'm sure if Kerry was here she'd be rolling round the floor except she couldn't cause she's head to toe in acupuncture needles.

Mark: Hey! Listen mate, I made a mistake. It was you would wouldn't give the name of the doctor for Toni's sister.

Paula: He wouldn't give the name for Sal?

Jez: What's the big deal? So I didn't give him the number for Dr Tang. She's got leukemia. Sticking a few needles in her face at 50 quid a pop is not going to fix that.

Barry: OK, I think it's time for you boys to fuck off now, hmm?

[The next day; Mark is on the bus with Sophie]

Mark: Yeah, well really really nice to catch up, Soph. See you tomorrow?

Sophie: Tomorrow.

Mark: Great [Leaving the bus] (Yes, that's the way. Sophie's the one. Toni's Russia - Vast, mysterious, unconquerable. Sophie's Poland - Manageable, won't put up too much of a fight.) [Notices the children] (Shit. Oh shit.) [Picks up an iron bar off the ground] (OK. You want some, do you? Do you want a taste of my steel?) ''[He runs at them with the bar, screaming. They run away. Sophie, passing by in the bus, watches him, shocked]''

''[End of episode. Jez's track, which was heard multiple times in the episode plays over the end credits].''