Stan's Food Restaurant

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! This place seems great, huh, Stan? I couldn't disagree with you more. Don't like the chairs, hate the cutlery. Food looks boring. The waiter's ugly. Let me get you guys some spit bread. Stan, you find fault with every restaurant we go to. Can't we just once have a nice meal without you criticizing everything? I'm not criticizing everything. I haven't said a word about how the lighting in here makes you look like John Madden. You look jowly here, eyes look sunken here, and boom, you're working on a second chin. Cat whiskers. Why can't we find a single restaurant that's good enough for you?! What the hell?! Oh, the hell? You want the hell, huh?! I'll tell you the hell! Take the wheel while I look off reflectively. I was eight years old, and my dad had just left us. I thought I'd never be happy again. Come on, Stan. Little did I know she was taking me to the happiest place on Earth. Hey, little guy! I heard your dad walked out on you 'cause he didn't love you enough to stay. But I know what'll make you feel better. At that moment, I was a hundred percent sure I was going to be molested, but it was even better. Forget about the menu. Tonight, you can have whatever you want. Can I have a licorice burrito? Now you're talking! That was a magical night. I had chocolate-covered hot dogs. I had cherry-pie pizza. I had the third-worst diarrhea of my young life. We closed the place down that night. It was the best dinner ever. Come back any time! I'll always be here for you, Stan! So you weren't molested? No, that wasn't till four or five years later. It was my first week at Christian camp. But I'm not ready to talk about Father Roy. Boy, he had a set of paws on him. What a summer. Anyway, no restaurant has ever been as good or as fun. That's why I'm always so critical. I just know I could do it better. Then why don't you? Open up your own restaurant! But I couldn't do that. I don't know the first thing about the restaurant business. Whoa, whoa, pull over! I think I just saw Roger in a lawn chair. Roger, what are you doing? Signing you up for an adult literacy class. "Nocturnal petting zoo. " Get out of here! I warned you, Dugan! Sorry if I was a little curt with you before. These junkies got me on edge. What do you know about working with animals? Nothing. When I get something in my mind, I always make it happen. And I stick to it, too. No, I don't stick to it. That's not believable. But the first part's true. Dugan, there's urine in this bottle! Stan, Roger's the perfect guy to talk to about your dream of opening a restaurant. He's always doing new things he knows nothing about. Do you know where the office is? It's right down there. You new or something? Yeah. I got kicked out of my old school for having too much sex. Oh, tingle. My name's Ashley. My mom's going out of town next week. Why don't you come over? Yes! Oh, wait. I just remembered I promised my best friend Julie we'd hang out. Unless you could bring a friend for her. Oh! Oh-oh, yeah. No prob! Great. Oh, and just so you know, I end up going all the way on the first date every time. Is that okay? With me, it is. I would not tell anyone else that. Every other boy here would be furious. Hey, Roger. Uh, what you doing? Sorry, Stan. I'm under the gun on this repair order. I didn't think the demand for 17th century ironwork was this brisk. When did you learn how to weld? This morning. Didn't even read the manual. Just dove right in. See? Why can't I do that? You can. Don't be afraid. Here. Turn it off. Listen, I'm actually here 'cause I want to open a restaurant. A restaurant? Why? Well, when I was eight years old, my dad walked out on us. Oh, my God, your story has moved me! You have to open a restaurant just like that! I don't know if I can. I know you can. I'll help you. I'll help you so much. All you need is confidence. Hit it! Well And that's how they do it from Egypt to France A big bold step called the confi-dance! Bravo! Bravo! I'm so glad you liked it. Let's do this. For you. You were fantastic. Oh these are cheap. Restaurants are a tricky business, and it doesn't look like you've worked in the industry before. Mr. Smith, I'm sorry, but I don't think I can approve this loan. But, sir, please! Roger, wait. Do some of the confi-dance. Okay, listen to me and everybody lives a lot longer! Oh, my God! Roger what are you doing? I went outside to feed the meter. It's cold out there. Anyway, if you want to live longer, you have to eat good food. Not canned and frozen foods, not foods trucked in from out of state. No! Who believes food should be grown locally with no pesticides? Farm to table. Plate to face. Because that's the kind of restaurant my friend is opening. Who wants to eat at his restaurant? Oh, yeah. Great. I'd love that. Plate to face. Best presentation ever. Looks like you're in business. Good morning! I'd like to open a checking account! Roger, I was up all night building this exact replica of what I think the restaurant should look like. Great. It's your vision. I am here to help you realize it. Yeah? Kill the work! I got a long-distance call here! Larga distancia. Larga distancia. Ooh, larga distancia. Stan, that was the phone call we've been waiting for. We got Qui-Lo, the Laotian midget master chef. Oh, well, I was kind of thinking we'd keep things simple and fun. See, I made up a sample menu. Wow, what's, what's a ravioli burger? It's a hamburger with all the trimmings slumbering inside a giant ravioli. Oh, my God, you and I are going to get so fat. Average American fat. And Qui-Lo, that hunky little potsticker? He could cook this stuff in his sleep. Are you sure? Trust me. I know the restaurant business. I managed a Hardee's in Myrtle Beach for three years. Everyone called it "Party Hardee's" 'cause of the buttload of drugs I was moving through there. I was "sick" the day of the raid. Got tipped off by this detective whose daughter I saved from drowning. But I-I can't go back there. He won't look the other way again. So did your girl say my girl was hot and slutty, too? She didn't say, but hot sluts hang out together. Excellent. I'll use the condom first. Hey, guys. Come on in. You must be Snot. Yeah, yeah. So where's Julia at? She's right here. She's a doll. Yeah, she's super cute. Everybody says so. What's that, Julia? Ah. She says she likes Jews. Okay, wait a second. You know that's not a real So, Julia seems great. Steve, can I talk to you for a second? I'm out of here. Okay, so Ashley's crazy as hell, but she's good to go. You have to do this for me. How many chocolate bars did I buy so your Hebrew school could go to Mount Vernon?! Well, I leased the restaurant truck like you wanted! Is it Arctic White? Yeah. It's weird how white it is. Weirder than one of those white dog poos. Oh, yeah, those are weird. Have you ever seen a dog lay one of those? No. Just seen them on the grass. Me, too. Maybe, maybe they come out brown and it's some sort of mold or fungus that turns them white. Like if you cracked one open, it might be brown on the inside? Like a powdered chocolate donut. Mmm Now you're making me hungry. How's my dream coming? I've been running around so much, I haven't had a chance to see It's still drying. Hey, want to come with me? I'm heading to the organic farm to choose the produce for your Cap'n Crunch vegetable tempura. Sounds good. I'll fire up the truck. Great. I'll follow you on my scooter if that's okay. This is amazing. I can't believe I'm opening my own restaurant. You're doing it, buddy. You're living your dream. Not a lot of people can say that. Oh, no, look at this. I got strawberry all over my brand-new white Keds. Looks like I just bought a $45 pair of knock-around shoes. Roger, I really want to thank you for helping me. The truth is, I I was always afraid. I thought it was better to keep this restaurant idea in my head because if I tried and failed, I wouldn't even have my dream anymore. Oh God! Farmer Ted, what's wrong with the cow? Not a thing. She's about to give birth is all. Oh, that's so damn beautiful. Promise me you'll call us when she goes into labor, okay? We want to be here. Day or night. Uh Here's my home number, my cell, and the women's shelter where I'm either volunteering or dropping off my stupid whore wife. Soup is not a meal, Vera! Good shot. Julia's turn. Um, Snot, she's never played before. Maybe you could teach her. Oh, she's doing it! Beginner's luck. Yo, Snotster, how about you and your lady give us a little privacy? Stupid doll. Did you hear that? There's no blood going to my ears, sweetheart. I'd better go check on Julia. You took advantage of Julia! What? Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no. Get out! What's going? Both of you, get out! No, no, wait! She was a virgin! What's that, Julia? He didn't use a condom?! You didn't use a condom? Are you kidding me? Stan, I thought I sent you to Memphis for napkin holders. Yeah, I drove all night. Why is the grand opening sign up? We're not opening for three weeks. Oh, I moved it up. But I didn't do my final walk-through. I didn't, I didn't do any walk-through. Well, no time like the present. Take a look. Ta-dah! Ow! Ow! Did I sprain my wrists? No, they're fine. Oh! No, no. No, I didn't. What is this?! Your dream restaurant: Roger's Laotian Adventure. But what about my scale model? Stan, it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with it. What? Look, it's time for some opening- night honesty. Your ideas are terrible. I've done you a favor. Qui-Lo, shut up! I'm trying to talk here. Wow, Qui-Lo's freakin' fired up. This isn't my menu! Where's the Raisinet carbonara? Where's the ravioli burger? Where is it? It's in your head where it belongs. Because it's stupid. It's in your stupid head. You son of a bitch! You insult my mother?! If you had half the culinary talent she had in her little finger! What?! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! It's a girl! Oh! She's so beautiful! Oh, look at that! Would you look at that! in my mother's little finger than you have in your entire body, you no-talent hack! You know what? You're fired! You can't fire me from my own restaurant! Actually, it's all mine. The bank wouldn't lend you 50 cents! The restaurant, the truck, the napkin holders, they're all mine! But to show you I'm a good guy, I got you this. Ta-dah! The perfect split. You like that? Get off my property. I can't believe Roger fired you! He told me all my ideas were stupid. You can't let him steal your dream. It's too late, Francine. It's already done. I'm gonna grab some shut-eye. Maybe dream a new dream! Francine, we've been driving for hours. Are we at the frozen yogurt place yet? Actually, Stan, that was a trick. We're in Philadelphia. Take a look. Does this bring back any memories? Oh, you want me to confront Father Roy about what happened at camp. Thing is, I'm not sure it was entirely his fault. I may have deserved it. In fact, I may have instigated it. Actually, Francine, I seduced him. I don't know why I wanted him, but I wanted him. There was no actual inser Stan, no! This isn't about that! This wasn't always a church. This used to be Mr. Johnson's restaurant. Remember the dinner you had here? Remember what it meant to you? Don't let Roger steal that dream from you. Clearly there's some kind of natural gas leak. They really have to stop building here. Ashley, come on! It was all a big misunderstanding. Really? Well, is it a misunderstanding that Julia's period is late?! What? I don't blame Snot, okay? Julia told me she was the one who jumped him. Great! So you and I can pick up where we left off. Oh, I wish, but I really just need to be with Julia right now. She decided not to keep the baby. Oh, wow. Well, uh, Snot and I are gonna give you our complete support. Aw, I knew you were a sweetie. And soon I'm gonna taste that sweetness. Ah! This cold locker ought to relieve my swelling. Qui-Lo, open the damn door! Lovers' quarrel? What the hell are you doin? I fired you. I got a loan from Francine's parents, and I'm opening a restaurant next door. It's gonna kick your ass. Ha! You open a restaurant? You couldn't open a French whore's legs with a wheel of cheese. Well, I've got some help. He's late 'cause he has to quit first. Fine, quit! You're a bum, Qui-Lo! You think you can treat people like this because you've got everything going for you?! Well, obviously you can because I'm fine with you, and I'll be rooting for you in the bike race this Friday! Wow, Francine! This is exactly what I wanted! And this is exactly what I was afraid of. No one's coming. Roger was right, my ideas are stupid. Stan! It's a whoopee cushion. They're on all the chairs. It's funny. Something's not right. Stan! COOKS & STAN Welcome, chum! You got the eats?! People love to be greeted. We're doing that here. Right this way. Work in the area? Actually, I sing in the D. C. Opera. Oh, excuse me! That was a whoopee cushion. No. Here are some chocolate chip meatballs to get you started. Ooh! What the? My knife went right through my plate! Oh, th-the plate is edible. It's a pancake. A pancake plate? What a wonderful idea! Pancake Plaaaaa! ate! Now don't let Julia's situation put you off of sex. We should take our time and do it safely. This bush looks great. Are you okay? Oh, Jules, it's behind you now. Everything's gonna be fine. What did you actually do in there? Nothing. I went in, gave my number to any girl who wasn't crying, and came back out. So, now that everything's taken care of, you and I can get some sex going. No. Julia's just so emotional right now, and I just have to spend all of my time with her. We have to get rid of that doll! No way! I'm done! Mount Vernon, dude. I hated that trip! I pooed my pants on the bus ride there. That's a long time to pretend you don't smell anything. Don't go in there! Come eat at my restaurant! Hey, Roger, ya got the eats? Sorry, Stan, I'm a little busy right now. You know, lunch rush. Welcome. Do you have a reservation? Uh No problem. Why don't you have a drink at the bar, and we'll see if we can find you a table. What can I get you, Mac? Uh, I'm meeting friends at Can I use your crapper? Get out of here! There's a bathroom in the park! The service here sucks! Have you even seen a waiter? What am I doing? This isn't helping me. Macaroni and sweet tarts! WAITER & COOKS: Macaroni and sweet tarts! Stacks! MAN Gah! Good God! There's a cockroach in my salad! I'm terribly sorry! Wait a second. This is a food restaurant. We don't serve salad. Well, it came from your kitchen! Roger! Don't-don't worry, everybody, it's fine. Don't eat here. There's a clean restaurant next door. If that's really from our kitchen, then you can eat the plate. Delicious. Tito, I need you to fix the vibe. You know what to do. Hey, Ashley. I just came by to check on Julia. That's so nice of you. Julia! No! Oh, look, it's her suicide note. "Dear Ashley, I'm in a better place. Have sex with Steve. " Mmm, in loving memoriam to your best friend's dying wish Wait a minute. This this is not her handwriting. She was murdered! We cannot fool around while her killer is still on the loose! Oh! that's it. I'm out of here. Snot, it didn't work! You're a real weirdo! You know that? Well, my restaurant's going under, Stan. You win. I acted like an ass. I'm sorry. You know, I'm not even mad. In fact, I should be thanking you. If you hadn't been such a controlling jerk, I wouldn't have been mad enough to try it on my own. Did you recapture any of those feelings from when you were a kid in Mr. Johnson's restaurant? You know, I did. It really felt good feeding the people and making them smile. So, yeah, it was pretty much the same. What do you say we make it exactly the same? How do you mean? What the hell?! I was in over my head financially. But why my place? No one will suspect a successful restaurateur of arson, Stan. And it's spreading to mine right now. Oh, yeah! I'm gonna kill you! Whoa! Whoa-whoa-whoa, take it easy. You just, you just need to calm down, okay? Yeah, okay. Just relax.