Dark of the Darker Darkness

(The episode opens on a pitch black, cloudy background.)

Narrator: "Today's episode: "Dark of the Darker Darkness"!"

(The words to the title literally appear in yellow with purple bolding on screen as he speaks, and the setting then shifts to the crime lab inside Possum Place and pans right to see Pith and Obediah, who are working on a new crime-fighting weapon.)

Narrator: (cont.) "Pith Possum, stalwart protector of the good citizens of Possum City, is hard at work in his lab with his partner, Obediah the Wonder Raccoon, on yet another ingenious device to foil any criminal who might be foolish enough to try something shifty in this peaceful community."

(As Obediah checks off the requirements for the weapon on his list, Pith is wiping the cannon barrel dry. He spits on it, rubs it off, and sticks his head inside the cannon barrel to inspect it.)

Obediah: "Okay, boss. Better climb down so we can test it." (hops off the stool)

(Pith sticks his head out the cannon barrel and climbs down the ladder, but his right foot slips on one of the ladder rungs. He falls down to the floor and makes a crash landing in front of Obediah. Stars fly around Pith's head as he gets back up and does a few karate poses, until he settles down.)

Obediah: (confident) "Ready for the test, sir?" (holding out a pair of headphones)

(Pith's theme is triumphantly played, as Pith grabs the headphones from Obediah and marches to the control panel. Pith then presses one of the direction buttons to the cannon, unaware that he's positioned the cannon to aim his head!)

Pith Possum: (pressing buttons) "Say, Obediah, tell me again why we call this the Cranium Crasher Mariachi Cannon."

(Obediah has his own pair of headphones on his head, as he makes some last-minute checks.)

Obediah: "Because that's what villains will hear if they ever get with this thing." (A trio of mariachi players with their guitars and a pair of horns appear and play a short, wacky Mariachi tune.) "Mariachi music!" (The players and horns disappear, leaving loose, purple music notes to appear.)

Pith Possum: "Hmmm, interesting. Ready to fire?"

Obediah: "Ready!"

Pith Possum: (begging Obediah) "Can I press the button?"

Obediah: (considerate) "Of course, sir."

(Pith fires the cannon with the button, only to get blasted by the cannon, thanks to his obliviousness. The control panel is destroyed as a result.)

Obediah: (alarmed) "But, how did-?! Sir, sir! Are you all right?!" (Obediah drags Pith out of the wreckage and lays him on a spot under the cannon barrel.)

Pith Possum: (awaking) "I...I..."

Obediah: (concerned) "Your head looks damaged, sir. Let's try some tests." (He grabs Pith and carries him to the cannon turntable to rest.)

Pith Possum: (struggling) "I, I..." (Mariachi music plays in his head.) "I hear mariachi music!" (He swivels his fingers as if he's conducting the music.)

Obediah: "Well, that's normal, sir, after getting blasted by the cannon like that." (The mariachi music dies down as Obediah holds up a pair of fingers.) "How many fingers, sir?"

Pith Possum: "Seven, why?"

Obediah: (concerned) "Oh, dear."

Pith Possum: (leans up) "Say, this doesn't look like a dance academy!"

Obediah: (shocked) "The WHAT?!"

Pith Possum: "The dance academy!" (spins around) "Professor Featherfoot's Dance School. I'm alumni. Perhaps you've heard of me: Serguei Krasnikov?"

(Obediah nervously turns his eyes away from Pith.)

Pith Possum: "Shall I do a little Swan Lake for you?"

(A lovely, romantic piano tune is played as Pith pirouettes on his feet three times and prances on his right foot to the right. He leaps in the air and spins around, destroying a lab transformer. He pirouettes on his toes, moving stage right, and stops to spin around and leaps about like a ballerina. He grabs his cape, opening it wide, and prances on his toes, turning in circles to make a Figure 8, and leaps in the air to strike a ballet pose. Obediah, on the other hand, is freaking out and grips on his cheeks in fear and embarrassment. It gets worse when the phone rings, forcing Obediah to pick it up, as Commissioner Stress appears on screen.)

Commissioner Stress: "Obediah, thank goodness. We're in another jam, and I-" (sees Pith dancing) "What's going on over there?"

(Pith continues dancing and destroying the lab equipment.)

Obediah: (distracting him) "Oh, it's uh, Pith Possum, sir. He's, uh, doing a little, um... maintenance!" (makes a toothy smile)

Commissioner Stress: (obvious) "Looks like he's trying to dance."

Obediah: (laughs his head off) "Oh, that's a good one, sir! Ha-ha! Pith Possum dancing around like some kind of an idiot! Imagine!" (chuckles) "Of all the absurd things."

Commissioner Stress: "Yes, I guess that would be pretty silly. A superhero of this sort that can't even dance or would even have the time to dance when there's such evil events transpiring in our fair city. If we found him dancing around when there was work to be done, I suppose he'd just have to find himself another city to protect!" (chuckles) "You, too."

Obediah: "Um, what evil event, sir?"

Commissioner Stress: "Some crazed fiend is rampaging through the city stealing huge quantities of food. He's knocked over ten grocery stores and several restaurants."

Obediah: (salutes him) "We're on our way, sir!"

(The screen fades out as Pith strikes a final ballet pose. He tips over into Obediah's arms, as he carries him into his seat into the Possummobile. Obediah hops in the driver's seat and closes the lid. He then raises the platform to the city streets.)

(Transition: Pith's head)

(The camera cuts to a cashier monkey is being forced to feed pizza pies to the hungry Supper Squirrel, who is keeping his gun armed at the monkey's head if he doesn't comply.)

Supper Squirrel: "C'mon. Keep them coming, you minimum wage earning twit." (He scarfs down the pizzas one-by-one.) "I'm so hungry I can't get enough, you see."

(The Possummobile races along a tree root and stops at a pizza parlor where Supper Squirrel is doing the dirty work.)

Obediah: "Uh-oh! It's Supper Squirrel, sir." (The two heroes exit the vehicle, as Obediah turns to Pith.) "Remember, you're not Serguei Krasnikov; you're Pith Possum, Super-Dynamic Possum of Tomorrow, and you've gotta-" (He gets knocked out of the way by Pith.)

Pith Possum: "Teach that hungry, little squirrel how to dance!"

Obediah: (panics) "NO!" (flails his arms)

(Pith leaps inside the parlor and dances around, catching Supper Squirrel's attention.)

Supper Squirrel: (laughing) "Some Super-Dynamic Possum of Tomorrow. Oh, I'm going to eat everything in town, because I can."

(Pith poses in front of Supper Squirrel, who throws a massive punch to Pith's face. Obediah screams with eyes bugging out. He ducks down as Pith rockets over him and crashes into a set of trash cans nearby. An empty can rolls off.)

Supper Squirrel: "Yes! Oh, this is sublime." (goes back to eating the pizzas) "With Pith Possum's head damaged like that, I can take Possum City to the cleaners, you see." (laughs) "Oh, ice cream is good." (walks away)

(Obediah runs up to the mess where Pith Possum is.)

Pith Possum: (getting crazier) "Hey, how are ya folks, huh? Where ya from, sir?" (He stuffs a banana up his nose as red hypnotic circles loop in his eyes.) "Hey, that's terrific. Boy, it's great to be back here in Las Vegas!"

Obediah: (flustered, resting a palm to his head) "Oh, no!"

(The phone rings again inside the Possummobile.)

Obediah: (cont.) "Gotta get the phone, boss! Don't move!"

Pith Possum: "Hey, where ya goin'? This is funny!" (chuckles) "Stop here, I mean-" (taps the banana) "Is this thing on?"

(Inside the car, the screen fizzles as Obediah picks the receiver up to his ear. Commissioner Stress reappears on the screen.)

Commissioner Stress: "What's going on?! That fiend just knocked over an ice cream stand, and he's on his way to the Pasta Works! What happened to Pith Possum?"

Obediah: (nervously) "Well, we had a little difficulty." (tugs on his cape)

Commissioner Stress: (aggravated) "Oh, you'll know what difficulty is if Pith doesn't stop this madman! Now, get out there, and be superheroes!"

Obediah: (saluting him once more) "Right away, sir!" (hangs up the phone)

(Obediah walks back inside the pizza parlor and finds that Pith is gone.)

Obediah: (worried) "Oh, my gosh! Where's the boss?!"

(A nightclub, Live: Critters!, is located in downtown Possum City next to other nightclubs as a jazz riff and dog sounds are heard in the background.)

Narrator: "Meanwhile, in a sleazy nightclub in the heart of Possum City..."

(Pith Possum has taken on a new identity, as he is on stage holding a microphone and cracking bad jokes in front of a bored audience.)

Pith Possum: (chuckling) "No, but seriously, folks, I-"

Patron 1: "Get a job!"

Pith Possum: (misinterpreting the insult) "Job! Say that reminds me: A guy goes into the employment office, and the guy there asks him what kind of a job he's lookin' for, see, and he-No, wait. That-that's not how it goes." (He gets hit by a wine bottle and gets back up with stars flying around his head.) "Hey... tough crowd."

Audience: (booing and hissing)

Pith Possum: "Okay, have you ever noticed that sometimes when you look at your watch, you quickly forget what time it said? Don't you hate that?"

Patron 2: "Hey, I'll tell you somethin': We hate you, huh? Ooohh!"

Pith Possum: "Hold on, I've got another one!"

Audience: "Nooooo!"

(Pith looks around nervously, while the Possummobile races down the city streets.)

Obediah: "I've picked up the boss' signal on the Possum Tracker. He should be just around the corner."

(The Possummobile stops at the nightclub, and Obediah hops out of the vehicle and makes his way inside. However, the bouncer tugs on his cape and tries to throw him out, until Obediah remembers to pay the bouncer first. Meanwhile, the audience throws rotten vegetables at Pith)

Pith Possum: "So-so, the one fly says to the other fly, "No, but it sure smells like it!""

Patron 2: "Hey, Ringworm is funnier than you are, huh? Boo."

Patron 3: "Get off the stage, you butt!"

Obediah: (grabs Pith) "Come on, sir. I've gotta get you outta here."

(Obediah puts Pith in his car seat.)

Pith Possum: (angry) "What's the meaning of this? I was doing great in there!"

(Obediah hops in and shuts the lid. He then drives off for the Pasta Works.)

Obediah: "Come on, sir! We've gotta get to the Pasta Works! Supper Squirrel is on another binge!"

Pith Possum: (in denial) "What are you talking about? I'm Shecky Schlock, the famous comedian! Am not!"

Obediah: "Sir, your head has been badly damaged. You are Pith Possum, Super-Dynamic Possum of Tomorrow, and our fair city needs your help! Otherwise, there won't be anything left to eat! Supper Squirrel will cause a famine!"

Pith Possum: (ignorant) "All right. I'm gonna call my agent and-"

Obediah: "There he is, sir! Supper Squirrel!"

(The Possummobile parks outside the Pasta Works, where Supper Squirrel slurps up an entire bunch of spaghetti. He raises his gun in the air.)

Supper Squirrel: "Come on, fellas, you're losing your heads. You're falling behind on my meatball quota." (A pair of weasels rush out with meatballs in their wheelbarrows.) "Hurry it up, won't you?" (He scarfs down the meatballs in his mouth.)

(Obediah tries to pull Pith out of his seat.)

Obediah: (desperate) "Come, sir! Get out there, and stop that fiend!"

Pith Possum: (mistaking it for an outdoor performance) "Hey, all right! An outdoor performance. I'll slay him!"

(Supper Squirrel keeps eating like a pig when Pith comes up to him with a microphone in his hand.)

Pith Possum: "Say, how are ya tonight, huh? Y'know, it looks like you've got quite an appetite, sir. That reminds me: Did you hear the one-"

(Supper Squirrel punches Pith away and sends him crashing into a mailbox. His feet, legs, tail, hands, and head bust through the mailbox as Obediah pulls him out like putty. He stands up and takes on yet another identity, but this time, with a baritone voice.)

Pith Possum: "Hey, baby, watch the threads, huh? All right, skiddies, strike up that coo-coo tune." (He waves his hands and the microphone as if he's ready to lead a jazz band.) "A one, a dos, a three. Hey, what the hey is goin' on around here, Jack?" (Obediah puts his hand in his teeth, stressed out.) "You guys like your gig? Do you wanna go back to Hoboken and wash cars?"

(Obediah can't handle the pressure anymore.)

Obediah: (shakes Pith) "This is gonna hurt me a lot more than it's gonna hurt you, sir!"

(He digs into his pocket and pulls out a giant ship anchor. He jumps into the air with it and drives the anchor onto Pith's head with a clang. Pith lies on the ground, dazed and confused, as one last cycle of stars appears around his head.)

Pith Possum: (confused) "Wha... What happened?"

Obediah: (concerned) "Who are you, sir?"

(After a second of silence, Pith remembers who he is!)

Pith Possum: "Why, I'm Pith Possum, Super-Dynamic Possum of Tomorrow!" (A heavenly choir sings and a glow of white appears around Pith levitating in the air. He then notices Supper Squirrel still pigging out.) "Hey! That's Supper Squirrel over there stealing more food!" (He marches up to Supper Squirrel.) "Hold it right there, you compulsive critter!"

Supper Squirrel: (jitters) "Oh, it's Pith Possum, and his head is back to normal, you see."

(Pith pounces on him, and a dust cloud appears, as they attack each other inside the cloud with stars bursting out from the action. The dust cloud settles as Pith has tied up Supper Squirrel in a web of rope.)

Supper Squirrel: "I, uh, don't suppose you have a fish stick about ya that you're not going to... (groans) This is unrewarding."

(Obediah runs up to Pith and shakes his hand.)

Obediah: "Good work, sir! It sure is good to have you back!"

Pith Possum: "Yes, don't mention it, Obediah. You see, it's all in a day's work for... Aunt Mary, the Best Cornbread Maker in Texas!"

Obediah: (nervous, putting a palm to his forehead), "Uh, oh."

(Iris Out)