It's Only a Paper World

[CLANK] OW! HA-HA HA HA! [CLANK] OW! HA-HA HA HA! [CLANK] OW!

PAPA NEEDS A PLAN.

[CLANK] OW!

OH, FOR A CREATIVE IMPETUS.

[CLANK] OW! HA-HA HA HA!

PINKY, END THIS INFERNAL TOMFOOLERY.

OW! HA-HA HA HA! OH, YOU SHOULD TRY THIS, BRAIN. IT'S LIKE FALLING DOWN, ONLY WITHOUT THE GROUND. AHH! OOF! LIKE THAT.

YOUR VERY PRESENCE IS MAKING ME ITCHY. WHY NOT FINISH RECITING THAT MILK AD YOU STARTED LAST WEEK AND LET ME GET BACK TO WORK?

RIGHT. GOT, UM SOMETHING. POIT!

I WONDER IF WE HAVE ANY BAGELS. OH! OHH! GRRR! PINKY, STOP CHEWING ON THAT BALL OF FOIL. IT'S MAKING ME QUEASY.

OH. SORRY, BRAIN. FINISHED WORKING OUT YOUR PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION? NARF!

NO, PINKY. IF YOU MUST KNOW, I AM SUFFERING FROM AN ACUTE CASE OF CONQUEROR'S BLOCK, SO KINDLY MAKE LIKE OPPENHEIMER'S THEORY OF NUCLEAR FISSION AND SPLIT.

RIGHTY-O, BRAIN. OH, IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE IN THE CORNER PRACTICING MY CLAPPING. [CLAPS] OH, I'M GOOD.

FINALLY, A CONDUCIVE WORK ENVIRON. HMM. RIGHT NOW, I'D KILL FOR A BEAR CLAW AND A MOCHA CAPPUCCINO.

TV: AND WITH THE HAPPY LITTLE BRUSH, MAYBE PAINT A HAPPY LITTLE CLOUD IN THE HAPPY LITTLE SKY.

HAPPY CLOUD. HAPPY SKY. HAPPY PINKY! NARF! OH. TASTES JUST LIKE CHICKEN.

TV: MAYBE A HAPPY LITTLE BLUEBIRD ON A HAPPY LITTLE BRANCH AND A HAPPY LITTLE METEOR, LIKE THE METEOR THAT'S ABOUT TO DECIMATE OUR HAPPY LITTLE EARTH.

HA HA HA HA HA HA! WHA-HA-HA! HA HA HA HA!

SO, UH WHATCHA DOIN'?

GETTING HAPPY. HOW ABOUT YOU? TONIGHT'S PLAN FINISHED YET, BRAIN?

UH, PLAN. UH, THE PLAN. YES, OH, I'VE I'VE COOKED UP A JUICY ONE, PINKY. TRUST ME. OH, IT'S A DOOZY, A REAL HUMDINGER.

NARF! GOODY. WHAT'S THE PLAN, BRAIN?

UH,GUESS.

ALL RIGHT. UM, ARE WE GOING TO TAKE DEBBIE ALLEN HOSTAGE, DEPRIVING ALL OF HUMANITY OF ENJOYABLE CHOREOGRAPHED PRODUCTION NUMBERS?

HMM. NOPE. GUESS AGAIN.

ARE WE GOING TO OH... CREATE A RIOT BY FORCING PEOPLE TO LISTEN TO THE TOUCHY-FEELY MANDY PATINKIN?

NO. GUESS AGAIN.

HMM. I GOT IT. USE THE TALENTS OF PAUL ANKA AND CARROT TOP TO STAGE THE COMEBACK OF THE LOVABLE TV GENIUS JAMIE "KLINGER" FARR.

COME NOW, PINKY, LET'S REMAIN WITHIN THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY.

I GIVE UP, BRAIN. YOU WIN. HOW DO WE TAKE OVER THE WORLD THIS TIME?

THE PLAN, PINKY. UH, THE PLAN.

TV: YOU CAN USE THESE OILY RAGS AS A RUSTIC OVEN MITT OR GLUE THESE FLEA-MARKET-FIND CORNCOBS TOGETHER TO MAKE AN INEXPENSIVE YET CHIC HARD HAT TO PROTECT YOU FROM THAT PESKY, DESTRUCTIVE METEOR. NOW LET'S CHECK ON THE PROGRESS OF OUR PAPIER-MÃCHÃ BUST OF ART BUCHWALD.

YES! PINKY, ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING?

I THINK SO, BRAIN, BUT ISN'T THAT WHY THEY INVENTED TUBE SOCKS?

GRR! OLD FRIEND, I'M LOANING YOU TO A CIGARETTE COMPANY.

NOT AGAIN? NARF. [COUGHS]

MY PLAN. WE SHALL USE SOMETHING THAT IS UTILIZED BY TODDLERS, THE AGED, AND THE CRIMINALLY INSANE.

DISPOSABLE DIAPERS?

NO, PINKY, PAPIER-MÃCHE. WE SHALL CONSTRUCT AN EXACT REPLICA OF MOTHER EARTH OUT OF PAPIER-MÃCHÃ. THEN LURE ALL OF CIVILIZATION TO THIS NEW TERRA NOT-SO-FIRMA, RENDERING US THE SOLE INHABITANTS OF THE REAL EARTH.

BUT--BUT HOW WILL THEY ALL FIT?

IT SHALL BE ACTUAL SIZE.

EGAD! THAT'S BRILLIANT, BRAIN. IT'S 2, 2, TWO EARTHS IN ONE.

[SIGHS]

EEEE-YOOPH!

FIRE UP THE KILN, PINKY. TONIGHT, WE COOK UP AN ALTER-EARTH.

Brain: YOUR MISSION, PINKY, IS TO MAKE A SUPPLY RUN TO BIG STUFFS, THE LOCAL BULK-AND-BUNDLE WAREHOUSE. YOU ARE ONLY TO PURCHASE WHAT I HAVE WRITTEN ON THIS LIST. "FLOUR, FLOUR, FLOUR, FLOUR, FLOUR, "FLOUR, FLOUR, FLOUR, FLOUR, FLOUR, FLOUR, FLOUR."

FLOUR?

FLOUR. AND A CARTON OF TUBE SOCKS.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHILE I'M GONE, BRAIN, CONSTRUCT A CORE FROM A SYNTHETIC MAGMA, ENCASE IT IN A THICK LAYER OF SHALE CREATED BY CENTURIES OF SEDIMENTARY DISUSE?

PINKY, WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT?

WELL, THAT'S HOW THEY DID IT ON THE WAYANS BROS.

FASTEN YOUR ORAL CAVITY. WE HAVE NO TIME FOR VERBAL BRIC-A-BRAC. HIE THEE HENCE AND FETCH ME FAST MY FLOUR.

IF I'M NOT BACK IN AN HOUR, I'VE PROBABLY MADE ANOTHER HUGE MISTAKE. HA-HA HA!

[DIAL TONE] [RINGING]

ALABAMA BUGLE, PLEASE DELIVER A SUBSCRIPTION OF YOUR FINE NEWSPAPER TO ACME LABS. THANKS Y'ALL. ALBUQUERQUE TIMES, PLEASE DELIVER A SUBSCRIPTION OF YOUR NEWSPAPER TO ACME LABS. EXPEDITIOUSLY. GRACIAS, Y'ALL.

EEHH UHHH!

[ANGELIC CHOIR SINGS]

REGIS PHILBIN'S I'M ONLY ONE MAN. AH! "AS READ BY REGIS PHILBIN"!

[RINGS]

HELLO. ZACABIMBABWE NEWS? [GLOTALIZING IN AFRICAN DIALECT] Y'ALL.

HELLO, BRAIN. SORRY I'M LATE.

YES, PINKY, HAPPY NEW YEAR. DID YOU OBTAIN MY FLOUR? YES, SIR. YES, SIR. THREE MILLION BAGS FULL! HA-HA-HA! AND I GOT SOMEBODY SOME PRESENTS. A VALUE-PAK BOTTLE OF SKIN STINGER, A VAT OF TORTOISE WAX, AND AN ASSORTMENT OF MAGNIFIED READING GLASSES. YAY! WOOO

BOO.

EHH! HA-HA HA HA!

[HORN HONKS]

AH, MY NEWSPAPERS. WHILE YOU WERE FRIVOLOUSLY SPENDING MY FUNDS, I ORDERED EVERY PERIODICAL ON THE PLANET. PINKY, FETCH ME MY PAPERS.

HA-HA HA! HEH HEH HEH HEH! WHOA-OOPH! WOW! NARF. WHAAAH!

YES. TODAY, A RECYCLING PROBLEM. TOMORROW, THE WORLD! THIS IS A HISTORIC DAY, PINKY.

BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T FAILED YET, BRAIN?

YES, BUT BESIDES THAT. NOW QUIET. I'M RUMINATING. THIS IS WHERE WE SHALL BUILD OUR EARTHLY DECOY. FIRST, WE WILL RIP THE PAPER UP. THEN, WE SHALL DIP IT IN THIS GOOPY FLOUR-WATER CHOWDER.

WOULD THAT BE THE NEW ENGLAND OR THE MANHATTAN?

PINKY, SIMON SAYS GO LIKE THIS. WHEN THE PAPER IS WET, WE SHALL LAYER IT IN THE SHAPE OF MOTHER EARTH. LEST YOU FORGET, PINKY-- ROUND.

[MUFFLED] MM-HMM, MM-HMM, MM-HMM.

LET THE RIPPING AND DIPPING BEGIN.

[MUFFLED] MM-MM.

SIMON SAYS. YES! THERE YOU ARE, HAPPY LITTLE PLANET. HAPPY LABORATORY. HAPPY SIGN. HAPPY LITTLE DEOXYRIBONUCLEIC ACIDS. PINKY, WHERE ON ALTER-EARTH ARE YOU? Pinky: UM, I'M IN YLATI. OH. SORRY, BRAIN. I WAS READING UPSIDE DOWN. I MEAN, UM, ITALY. STAY WHERE YOU ARE, PINKY. YOU MIGHT MAKE A WRONG TURN AT OUAGADOUGOU AND END UP IN ADDIS ABABA. PINKY, I'M A STONE'S THROW AWAY FROM THE VATICAN. WHERE ARE YOU? IN HERE, BRAIN: THE SIXTEEN CHAPEL. THIS FROM A MOUSE WHO THINKS A FRESCO IS A CAN OF CARBONATED SODA. WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK, BRAIN? HMM. REMIND ME. WHAT WERE YOUR OTHER ARTISTIC ENDEAVORS? UM, THE GREAT CUBES OF EGYPT. SNAKE EYES. I SMELL JIHAD. WHAT ELSE? WHO ARE THEY? THEY'RE THE FOUNDING FATHERS, BRAIN-- BELOVED TUNESMITH NEIL SEDAKA, ACTOR'S ACTOR NICK NOLTE, TV FUNNY MAN ABE VIGODA, AND, OF COURSE, ABE LINCOLN. PINKY, YOU ARE A FISTFUL OF STUPIDITY, BUT WE CAN'T WORRY ABOUT THAT NOW. WE MUST IMPLEMENT PHASE 2. WHILE YOU WERE BUILDING THE 7 BLUNDERS OF THE WORLD, I WAS BUSY GENETICALLY ALTERING THESE SEEDS. WHEN WE MIX THEM INTO A FLORA-PASTE FORMULA, THE MOLECULAR STRUCTURE OF ALL THINGS PAPIER AND ALL THINGS MÃCHÃ WILL BE ALTERED FOREVER. IT WILL MAKE OUR BRAVE NEW WORLD Pinky: LIKE THE 'FRAIDY-CAT OLD ONE. NO, PINKY, THE SEEDS NOT ONLY GROW VEGETATION, THEY CREATE MOUNTAINS, AND THEY MAKE OUR BUILDINGS MORE BUILDING-LIKE, OUR DESERTS MORE DESERT-LIKE, AND OUR BASKETBALL PLAYERS MORE MIKE-LIKE. IN OTHER WORDS, ABSOLUTELY INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM THE REAL PLANET. BRILLIANT, BRAIN. WHAT DO YOU CALL IT? I CALL IT CHIA EARTH. OH. TRADEMARK? YES, PINKY, TRADEMARK. [PANTING] EGAD. WHAT A LONG NIGHT, BRAIN. DO WE GET TO REST NOW? NOT YET, PINKY. IT'S TIME TO IMPLEMENT PHASE 3. THERE IS A MYSTERIOUS POWER THAT NO HUMAN CAN RESIST, PINKY, A THING SO GREAT THAT THE STRONGEST OF SOULS BEND AND SURRENDER TO IT INSTANTLY. [GASPS] YOU MEAN THE ARK OF THE COVENANT? NO, PINKY. THE MOST TREMENDOUS FORCE IN THE COSMOS-- OH, BRAIN. THAT'S EVEN NICER THAN THE ONE YOU BROUGHT ME BACK FROM DOLLYWOOD. HERE. PUT THIS ON. OH, THANK YOU, BRAIN. LET US BEGIN. HUMANITY WILL COME RUNNING TO CHIA EARTH FOR THEIR FREE T-SHIRTS, LEAVING EARTH VACANT FOR MY CONQUEST. [FLIES BUZZING] HEY! DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS? LIKE, GOSH, THEY HAVE FREE T-SHIRTS. All: FREE T-SHIRTS?! GEE, BRAIN, YOU THINK THEY'LL COME? All: BUY! SELL! HUH? FREE T-SHIRTS?! OH, YES, PINKY, THEY'LL COME. [SHOUTING IN CHINESE] PERHAPS NO ONE HEARD ME SAY-- [GROUND SHAKING] [INDISTINCT TALKING] FREE T-SHIRTS. UH! WE DID IT, BRAIN. PLANET EARTH BELONGS TO US. NOW, TO SEND STEPMOTHER EARTH INTO ORBIT. [BOTH GRUNTING] [PANTING] VERY WELL, BUT DON'T EXPECT ME TO BE NEIGHBORLY. BEHOLD, PINKY, OUR NEW DOMAIN WHERE WE SHALL BE THE MASTERS OF OUR OWN DESTINY. FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, OUR LIVES SHALL BE FILLED WITH VIM, VIGOR, AND VERISIMILITUDE, LORDING OVER EVERY LIVING CREATURE WITH FISTS OF FURY. WE SHALL NO LONGER CALL THIS PLANET EARTH, PINKY. WHEN WAS IT CALLED "EARTH PINKY"? FROM THIS DAY FORTH, IT SHALL BE KNOWN ASBRAINUS. [PLAYING HAPPY MUSIC] ALL RIGHT. NOW LET'S TRY THIS ONE MORE TIME, AND LET'S TRY TO GET IT STRAIGHT. MISS MARY MACK, MACK, MACK, ALL DRESSED IN BLACK. BLACK, BLACK AND, UH, THE NUMBER ONE REASON CHIA EARTH IS BETTER THAN THE OLD EARTH HA HA! FREE T-SHIRTS. [GLASS SHATTERS] [CHEERING] HEY, UH, BROTHER GINGRICH, WOULD YOU, UH, CARE TO DANCE? BROTHER CLINTON, I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK. HEY! WHOA! WHOA! HEY! YEAH! GO, GO! GO, GO! YEAH! [FEEDBACK] CITIZENS OF BRAINUS, TODAY IS THE START OF A NEW ERA, AN ERA WITHOUT CRIME, AN ERA WITHOUT TAXES, AN ERA WITHOUT QUENTIN TARANTINO. WHOO! FJORD! TROZ! WHY ARE YOU SO FAR AWAY, PINKY? I GOT HERE LATE AND COULDN'T GET A BETTER SEAT. WELL, MOVE CLOSER, PINKY. I'M LONELY. AH! HE'S TALKING TO ME. LORD BRAIN IS TALKING TO ME! OOF! FOR THE LAST TIME, PINKY, THERE IS NO SUCH WORD AS "CHRAMECIRUM. " WELL, THERE IS NOW, BRAIN, BECAUSE WE OWN THE WORLD! HA-HA HA HA! YOU KNOW WHAT, LET ME JUST PLAY AGAINST MYSELF FOR A WHILE. WHY NOT GO BACK TO THE AMY CARTER TREE HOUSE AND AMUSE YOURSELF WITH HER OSCILLATING FAN? ALL RIGHTY, BRAIN. POIT! "CHRAMECIRUMS. " NOW THAT'S A WORD AND A TRIPLE WORD SCORE TO BOOT. BOINGY! BOINGY! BOINGY! BOINGY! PINKY, THAT'S A BRILLIANT IDEA. LET'S DRAFT SOME BUREAUCRATIC LEGISLATION, THEN VETO IT, CREATING MASSIVE GOVERNMENTAL GRIDLOCK. OH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN, BRAIN. THEN MAYBE WE CAN FILL OUR TROUSERS WITH MARSHMALLOW FLUFF AND PARADE AROUND TO THE MUSIC OF XUXA. Brain: NOW TO FIND A PLACE TO UNLEASH MY FEARSOME ANGUISH. KING VITAMIN HAVE BREAKFAST WITH THE KING KING VITAMIN IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG DICTATORSHIP. THIS WORLD TOUR IS GETTING TO ME. LET'S GO, PINKY. THAT BEEF BRAHOUNA IS MAKING ME UNEASY. OH, ONE SECOND, BRAIN. WHAT DO YOU THINK? DOES IT MAKE ME LOOK CHUNKY? THIS IS GETTING SO SAD. YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH * YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH * HURRAH! MY MONARCHY IS MONOTONY. I ALMOST WISH I-I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT. OH? ABOUT WHAT, BRAIN? THERE'S THIS HUGE METEOR HEADED STRAIGHT TOWARD US. EGAD, BRAIN. HAPPY BOB THE PAINTER MUST HAVE HAD THE SAME DREAM, BECAUSE--[GASPS] THERE'S A HUGE METEOR HEADED STRAIGHT FOR US! HOW UTTERLY IRONIC. RUN, PINKY! RUN! PINKY. [BOTH COUGHING] WHAT DO WE DO NOW, BRAIN? THE SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY: TRY TO TAKE OVER CHIA WORLD. THEY'RE DINKY THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN * BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN * BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN