We Need to Talk About Liplor

1 I conquer these lands in the name of House Titanium! Hee-yah! Mother: Rex? Where's my magma? [sighs] My zinc is getting cold! How much [bleep] zinc can one woman drink? Careful, brother. Father hears you talking like that and you'll find your ass tumble polished by his fist. - Dax! You're back! - Quartz Mites of the Third Underrealm were far easier to conquer than we thought. Turns out they were blind, mostly. Probably gonna have my bard, Liplore, leave that part out. Awesome! When do I get to start slaughtering the blind like you, brother? Rex, you know only the eldest son joins the warrior class. You're destined to be an explorer. - Great. - Hey, without explorers, we'd never find blind Quartz People to enslave and slaughter. Sure, most explorers are sent in search of the surface, a perilous journey to a land that probably doesn't exist. But, you know, what a way to go. I guess. Unless For the seat at the head of House Titanium [hero music] - Don't. - I challenge you to a blood duel [grunts] The blood duel is not a joke, Rex. A challenge spoken, even in jest, must end in one of our deaths. Now smile. And remember, brother, it is better to be Subtopian slave than a free Quartz Mite. These markings are from Rex's drillpod. He came this way. My brother is close! You will sing songs of this day, Liplore. Yes, my master. Oh, oh! Oh, you mean right now. Yes. [clears throat] I sing the tale of Dax the Great And a brother lost to fate Dax searched for years to find his way And make his brother's captors pay [theme music playing] [grunting] [screeches] 2x08 - "We Need to Talk About Liplor" So what's everyone got goin' on today? - Why? - This book of Portia's I'm readin' with my ears says you should start every day by announcing your intention. You know, in my day, we read with our eyes. Ranger, in your day, people drowned kittens just to save a trip to the pound. Every time I start a sentence with "In my day," I seem to take a fastball right in the face. So, Cooch, what is your intention? I'd like to be very vocal about the fact that today, I'm gonna be buildin' a potato gun. That is inspirational. What the hell? - Don't let it hit the ground! - Ow! Aah! I can't touch it again! Hurry, Courtney! - Got it! [laughs] - That's enough! Is it too late to change my intention? I want in on the game! [balloon pops] [screeches] - Oh, come on! - Why?! Why?! Saturn, how long is this sleepover behavior between you and Courtney going to last? Not long. Courtney and I are moving out of the mansion. Black Saturn/Courtney: What? You're leaving? I thought you were happy here! I'm happy when I'm helpin', Rex. But Zenith is out of commission. And my ideas to rebrand the League arguably did more harm than good. What? You mean the movie based on my life that fell apart and the theme pizza restaurant that exploded? Okay, I get it. Not my best ideas. I know I've been a bust. But helping Ranger smooth things over with Gloria reminded me that I can help people, and the best way to do that is through my show. Uh Rex, do something! I need Courtney! He's my sidekick! I say who's on this team, and that only includes professional superheroes! So you're saying, if I can get Courtney trained to a professional level, you'll let him join the team, no questions asked. - No! - Oh, Rex, you won't regret this, I promise! - Come on, Courtney. Whoo! - Yeah, this is gonna be great! - Portia, please. - Rex! You need to see this! Newscaster: Trouble in Storm City, as two unknown supervillains rampage through the city. One of the villains appears to be dressed as a younger, substantially more attractive version of Titanium Rex. - Wow! He looks great! - For once, we're in total agreement. What do you make of it, Rex? Rex? No, but Rex does look like shit compared to this guy, right? Oh, yeah. [rapid gunfire] [laughing] These are your weapons? My flesh is tempered in the Valley of the Core. [over PA] Okay, I'm just gonna be dead honest. We don't love how our bullets are just bouncin' off your chest. - What do you want? - I want to know what became of Rex of House Titanium. Titanium Rex? He fights for the US government! They've enslaved him in their combat pits! Prepare to die! [whirring] [grunts] - Rex? - Hello, Dax. [laughing] - I thought this day would never come. - Oh, it's so good to see you. Dear God, what happened to your face? [laughs] - Okay, that's a funny story. - A funny story? And your And your face is a punchline? I should hope not. What have you done to him?! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No. No one did anything to anyone. This is my home now, Dax, and and these are my people. So you've enslaved them already. Excellent! Oh! Uh, yeah, no. I wouldn't exactly say it that way. - Titanium Rex, do you know this man? - Yes, this is Dax. He's my brother. [stammers] B-B-B-B-Brother? Was that absolutely necessary? I don't get a chance to do that often, so Sorry. Way too broad. Wrap it up, amigos! It was all just one big misunderstanding. So you retain the energy of the Earth's electromagnetic field? Yes. But we didn't evolve to be this far away from the Core. The aging process is sped up exponentially. So this is age. There wasn't, uh, some sort of horrific accident involving battery acid? - Uh, no. - There was not a battle, with all of Earth's armies fought directly on your face. - Nope. - And you're cool just walking around like this. - No thought of a mask? - No! Hey, Master. Shall I block him from your view? No. I've faced worse, though that face is top-five material. - Rex, you remember Liplore, my bard? - Oh, yes. I take it you're still doing the whole enslaving other cultures thing? - Oh, yeah. Big-time. - And I would love to hear how you enslaved the surface on your own. And why? Was your war beacon damaged, or Uh, that's a long story, Dax. It It's complicated. I should say so! The land animals walk around as if free. No worry. Once I've activated our war beacon, the council will decide how best to put them to use. Dax, before you do that, let me show you around a bit. I think you'll find the situation is a little more nuanced than you think. I hope you haven't been away from Subtopia for too long, Rex. But please, if you have something to show, lead the way. Seriously, I would prefer to walk behind you. Your face is it's too much for me. Hey, Portia. Uh, got a minute? In my day, a man only got a chance to talk about his feelings if he was on the battlefield looking for his legs. And even then, I'd probably call him a pussy. Now, I realize this is going to be as strange as if the Lincoln Monument itself suddenly stood up and told you he "like liked" you. - But no matter what your senses tell you - You have feelings for me, Ranger. How long were you going to let me talk? I was just vamping there towards the end. I have to admit, Ranger, I've enjoyed spending time with you. And Agony. Don't know what he has to do with it. But the truth is, I'm in a relationship with a man who apparently has been using his luggage to hide a candy hoard. Do you ever think that maybe you could do better? Now you're sounding like my mama. But I can't leave Courtney. The man doesn't brush his teeth unless I tell him to. And when you eat like this I'm sorry, Ranger. It is what it is. [music] Roger, roger. Over and out. We need to convince Rex you are a legitimate superhero. You'll need a dark backstory. Like being raised with money in a loving, two-parent household? Look! Not a day goes by I don't wish my parents were both gunned down in an alley in front of me, but that didn't happen, and I'm doing the best I can! I was talkin' about myself. Oh! Sorry! I love my parents very much. Okay. You've gotta have something in your past. - I was a valet. - Great. - For 20 years. - That's certainly disturbing. What about athletic abilities? If you watched me keep a balloon in play for 45 minutes this morning and still have to ask that, I'm outta here! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm on your team, Ringler. But that's not gonna be enough for Rex. Now think! Cool, cool, cool. - Another game to get the juices goin'? - Uh, nah. Whoop! [laughs] So, this is your palace. I thought there'd be more servants. Well, you only need one when you've got Marjorie. Isn't that right, Marjorie? - Marjorie's in Cabo for the week. - Cabo. - Is that some sort of punishment? - Absolutely. Well, perhaps you will find yourself in Cabo for addressing a Subtopian while standing, slave. Uh, American Ranger is is not my slave. Thank you. - He is my jester. - Okay. [chuckles] I suppose he does look quite foolish. Hello, my name is Robobot. You are touching me, machine! Fantastic. He's an asshole, guys. Careful. Is this how you run your kingdom, Rex? Where is the order? Dax, please. I I I can assure you, I have everything completely under control. Get the hell out of my way! [grunts] Courtney! The lava! [growls] The floor is lava. - The floor is lava. - Hmm. - Hey, dude. What you buildin'? - A war beacon. I'm sorry. When it is complete, your civilization will be lost. - Cool. I built a potato gun. - Okay. [thuds] Ohh! Son of a bitch! Okay, I'm crying now. Whoa! Are those lava tears? - Oh, yeah. Big-time. - What's your name? I was robbed of my real name by my masters. - But my Subtopian name is Liplore. - What's your real name? Chudrick, which I get isn't great, but, uh You know, I'm really busy building this war beacon. - What's with the collar? - If I am lax in my duty as a slave, my master has only to push a button to end my life. Hey, you wanna blow off the war beacon and make quesadillas? Okay, either you didn't understand what I just said, or you want to see my head explode. - Uh I think it's that first one. - That's good. I should have known my little brother lacked the mettle to lead and the competence - to send a signal to the war council. - You caught me on a bad day, Dax. [stammers] Let's keep the war council out of it, okay? [doors slam open] Well, well, well. It might be time to get a monocle, because I'm seein' double. You told us you were the only Subtopian in town, Rex. By what authority do you question a son of House Titanium? While any of you live in this house, you are bought and paid for by the United States Senate! [scoffs] The US Senate wishes to enslave House Titanium?! Not exactly what I said. - The time for words is over. - What do you think you're doin'? [grunts] Oh! Something I should've done a long time ago. Any other Skywatchers have any questions about who's in charge here?! Because I will be wiping all of you off of my boot if you don't start showing me some goddamn respect! There is Subtopian blood flowing through your body, Rex. Less so, your face, but, uh, let's not labor that issue. Carry on. Watch out, bunghole. [grunts] Anything you'd like to tell us, Rex? You know, something tells me you haven't been quite honest with us about Subtopia, Rex. Something as in Dax ripping my goddamn arm off and talking about enslaving humanity. I've got something to tell all of you. Gonna file that under "no shit. " - Agony! What the hell is goin' on down here? - Ooh, Agony went crazy. Said some very anti-woman, anti-talk show things. If you need a hug, I'm here. Wait. What What did I do? You, uh, uh slipped on a thing. Look, gather around here. Sergeant, you should hear this, too. When I arrived on the surface, many years ago, I told everyone I was a lost explorer from Subtopia. What I've never told anyone is Subtopia is a harsh, warlike society. They send explorers like me out to find new lands to conquer. I was blood-bound to send my navigation coordinates back home to signal the invasion. I didn't come here to save humanity. I came here to enslave it. But I couldn't live with that. I disobeyed my orders, let them assume I was dead, and covered my tracks as best I could. I wasn't counting on Dax dedicating his life to finding me. - Now the whole world is in danger. - Dear God, Rex. So you're really a traitor to both Earth and Subtopia. Thank you for that, Courtney. You're right, Rex. We need all the help we can get, so if I can just get your John Hancock right here. - What's this? - Just says Courtney's a real hero and a member of the League. You know, standard stuff. I'm not going to let Courtney in the League! Cooch: Fire in the hole! [thuds] Ow! Can everyone cut their shit for five seconds? If Dax activates a war beacon and sends Subtopia a route to the surface, our very way of life is at risk! Oh, you're probably not gonna wanna go outside, then. [disco music] We need a beacon We're holding out for a beacon Pumping into the ground It's got to be strong and it's got to go long And it's got to bring our armies around - # We need a beacon # - That's enough, Liplore. - Dax, stop! - I know it was a killer song, Rex. But there are more where that came from. I can't let you activate that beacon. Can't let me? What's going on here?! These creatures might look like so much human garbage to you. Hell, they did to me for the first couple of years. And yeah, they're weak. And yes, they're stupid. - But they are mine. - Killer pep talk, Rex. My God, Rex. You've gone full native! You're not sleeping with them, are you? No! Of course not. Okay, fine. Yes. The surface was a swimming pool full of tail, and I've been doing cannonballs nonstop for nearly a hundred years! Uh, but, um, excuse me. Real quick, though. He hasn't had sex with all of us. When I saw how old and unimpressive you'd become, I wished I'd never found my brother. - I guess my wish came true. - Dax, please, don't. Try to stop me. [sighs] [grunts] Subdue the humans! Rex is mine. [shouting] Wait, wait, wait. I'm I'm not part of the team! Aah! Damn it! Someone buy me time to reload! - I'm sorry. I have no choice. - Aah! This is for your own good, brother! - You'll thank me later! - Mind if I cut in? - What the [bleep] does that mean? - Ow! Just had to tap him on the shoulder first! You know I was just trying to impress you! - I know. - Time for you to get in the game, rookie. [clangs] Son of a bitch! [shouts] [thuds] Aah! Dax, please. I swore I'd protect them. Do they know you swore to enslave them first? Maybe they should! [thuds] Senator: "Oliver's loins emitted a thick musk that stung the nose and settled on the tongue. " Oh, point of order! This has become obscene! I can filibuster however I want! [clattering] Titanium Rex came to make all of humanity our slaves but was made to bow before the Senate. Now you will bow! And later, we'll hear a song about it. Don't worry. I I know a guy. So those are pretty much the ground rules. Pretty simple, right? You respect me, I will respect you, and you get to live until your public executions. I shouldn't be here, man! Help me get this costume off! So that's your boyfriend? - It's complicated. - Looks pretty simple to me. You gave up on being a superhero and made millions of dollars on TV. But a part of you felt bad, like you didn't deserve to be happy. And that part found Courtney. I have advice for you, too, Portia! Life lesson. Life lesson. Quick, look over here! [groans] What are you doing? It's not what I'm doing. It's what you're going to do. And the whole world will see what you really are. I don't believe it, either, ladies and gentlemen, but Titanium Rex appears to have been a vanguard for a Subtopian invasion force. - No! - There's nothing you can do! Yes, there is. For the seat at the head of House Titanium - Rex, no! - I challenge you to the blood duel - No! - of Chalatar! You know what this means. By my honor, I cannot rest until - I slay you, my baby brother! - I know. Come one [classical music] Come all The warriors stand tall One will live and one will fall Subtopia Subtopia Subtopia Is it me or is Liplore singin' the shit out of that bloodmatch song? And Liplore he did sing the song And panties dropped, from brief to thong Liplore's song was popping All the girls were sopping - # Juices needed mopping # - Liplore! You riff on the goddamn bloodmatch song! Yes, my lord. So it begins. [sighs] That rock monster looks sad. Why does he let Dax talk to him like that? If he doesn't, that collar will blow his head off. Oh, that's terrible. He looks like he could use a good cry. Yeah, that might be a bad idea, what with his lava tears. Lava tears? - Hmm Liplore? - What is it, prisoner? I heard you sing. It was beautiful. That's the voice of a free spirit. I I used to herd rock goats. Go on. You're in a safe place, Liplore. I would write poems to the goats. Aw, you miss them, don't you? Recite one for me. [gasps] Oh, goats, my goats, the only friends I keep. Oh, goats, my goats, way too cold to sleep. Oh, goats, my goats, I, the hand, and you, the glove, Oh, goats, my goats, let us make sweet, sweet [sobbing] Let's all just be happy he didn't finish that. I mean a lotta things rhyme with "glove. " [Liplore sobbing] Liplore is free. That you are! Care to return the favor? [grunting] Dax, you don't have to do this. I do, Rex. That is the meaning of honor. Not when it makes you kill something you love. What good is honor if it is left at home? Damn you for making me kill you! [grunts] - Liplore! - My name is Chudrick! Chudrick means "goat [bleep]. " I was doing you a favor. Oh, yeah, thank you for that. I guess Liplore is better. [thuds] [grunts] Huh? - Ringler! The key! - What? The beacon is lava! The beacon is lava! - No-o-o! - Ye-e-es! Ah-ha-ha! Goddamn it! [grunts] Twenty years of valet parking, baby! Twenty years? Jesus. - You okay, Rex? - Cooch. How? It was Portia. She talked some sense into Liplore. He even gave me back my potato gun. - Thank you, Portia. - I'm here to help. We need to move Dax to a fortified cell before he can No! You must finish him, for he is honor bound to hunt you for the rest of his days. It is the Subtopian way. [music] It's not my way. - You did it, Rex. You kicked his ass. - Whoo! - I'm mighty proud of you, Rex. - Yes! - Just a quick signature. - Nobody move! Wait! Open fire! Titanium Rex is a traitor to Planet Earth! That's bullshit! League, circle up! No! No, they're they're right. - I am a double agent! - What are you doing? There's only one way to end this without all of you getting hurt. I would have loved to have enslaved you all! But I am not strong enough, yet! - Rex. - Give this some thought. Aah! [grunts] [gasps] [sighs] What are you doing, Rex? [music] I'm sorry, Cooch. But it's the only way. No. No, you can't leave! I hope you know what you're doing, Rex. - Where's he gonna go? - Portia: I don't know, baby. I don't know.