The Precious Fragmentation


 * Leonard: Why do I always have to carry the heavy stuff?
 * Sheldon: Well it's very simple. In our ragtag band of scientists, with nothing to lose, I am the smart one, Wolowitz is the funny one and Koothrappali is the lovable foreigner who struggles to understand our ways and fails. That leaves you, by default, as the muscle.
 * Leonard: One more floor and I'd be the pulled muscle.
 * Penny: It's about time. I'm starving!
 * Leonard: Well we didn't actually get Chinese food.
 * Penny: Why not?
 * Leonard: Don't worry. This is better!
 * Penny: Oh no. You didn't trade the food for magic beans did you?
 * Sheldon: Of course not. and technically magic beans would be food. Although eating them would be quite a waist because you could plant them and overnight have a giant bean stalk with enough roughage to feed a small city.
 * Penny: You know sometimes I don't listen. Sometimes I just watch your jaw go up and down.
 * Leonard: We were on our way and we thought we saw Adam West, so we followed him.
 * Penny: Who's Adam West?
 * Sheldon: Who's Adam West? Leonard, what do two of you talk about after the coitus?
 * Howard: My guess is, "Hay 4 minutes! New record!" - That's why I'm the funny one.
 * Leonard: Anyway, we followed this guy to this garage sale and they had the coolest stuff.
 * Howard: They were closing up. We got this whole box for 60 bucks. We didn't even get to go through it.
 * Leonard: There could be anything in here.
 * Penny: Is there a new girlfriend in there 'cause you night need one.


 * [Howard tells everyone what he's learned about the Ring from his mysterious buddy.]
 * Raj: Who's this mysterious buddy you suddenly have?
 * Howard: Just a guy. I...know a guy.
 * Raj: Is it Eddie Krispo?
 * Howard: I can't tell you who it is. Stop asking.
 * Raj: Who else could it be? It has to be Eddie Krispo.
 * Howard: I know lots of dangerous people!
 * Raj: Name one.
 * Howard: (embarrassed) Eddie Krispo.


 * Sheldon: (opening a ring box and taking a ring on a chain out) Fascinating. It appears to be a Lord of the Rings ring.
 * Raj: Ooh, it's even got the Elvish engraving on it.
 * Sheldon: It's not Elvish. It's the language of Mordor, written in Elvish script. (reciting the translation for the inscription) One ring to rule them all.
 * Raj: One ring to find them
 * Howard: One ring to bring them all
 * Leonard: And in the Darkness, bind them.
 * (short pause)
 * Raj: Holy crap, are we nerdy?


 * (Leonard has quit the game and the other three are still holding the ring.)
 * Howard (on the phone): I'm sorry, Ma, I have to. Stay late at the office.
 * Raj (to Mrs. Wolowitz): No, He doesn't, He's lying to you!
 * Howard: Will you be quiet?!
 * Raj: Well if you want privacy, let go of the ring, I'M SO GLAD WE CAME TO THIS GENTILE STRIP CLUB! HOWARD, HERE'S SOME MORE BACON TO TUCK INTO THE SHIKSA'S G-STRING!
 * Howard (on the phone): I'll call you back.
 * Raj: I think it's lovely of you to call your Mommy and let her know you're going to be late for dinner. From what I know about these things, if a woman doesn't breastfeed on time, it's very uncomfortable for her, boobies.
 * Howard: Don't you talk about my Mother's boobies.
 * Raj: Well if you're offended, let go of the ring and go on home to your Mother's boobies.
 * Sheldon: Excellent, excellent, tire each other out, the ring will be mine. Howard, why don't you go after Raj's Mother?
 * Raj: Why don't we go after your Mother?
 * Sheldon: Go Ahead. I have no allusions about my Mother; she is a kind, loving, religiously fanatical right-wing Texan, with a slightly out-of-scale head and a mild Dr. Pepper addiction. Anything you'd like to add?
 * Howard: Uh, that's not gonna get you anywhere. Better pull out the big gun.
 * Raj: You're right. Let's talk about your Grandmother.
 * Sheldon: No! I call no Meemaws.
 * Raj: Think about this, the only way your Mother was born, was your Meemaw had sex.
 * Sheldon: I don't wanna hear this.
 * Howard: Then let go of the ring, and walk away!
 * Sheldon: Never!
 * Howard: Alright, I bet that your Meemaw didn't just have sex to have your Mother, I bet she had sex, because she liked it!
 * Sheldon: Stop it!
 * Raj: Ha, Meemaw did the nasty!
 * Sheldon: I SAID STOP IT!
 * (Howard and Raj laugh.)
 * Howard: We're getting to him!
 * Sheldon: Waterfalls!
 * Raj: What?!
 * Sheldon: Waterfalls, Crashing Waves, Babbling Brooks!
 * Howard: What are you doing?
 * Sheldon: Subliminal messaging, I'm going to make you want to pee, Dripping faucets, leaky gutter....peeing.
 * Raj: Listen, it's not working dude.
 * Sheldon: Ha Oh, It's working alright. I have to pee.
 * Raj: Then let go of the ring and go.
 * Howard: Well actually, I wouldn't mind going too.
 * Raj: Fine, um, on the count to three. One, Two...
 * Sheldon: Eh, wait just to clarify. When you get to three, do we stand up...or do we pee?
 * Howard: We stand up!
 * Sheldon: Excellent choice.
 * Raj: Three!
 * (The guys stand up to go to the toilet.)
 * Howard: (Sigh), Something tells me this was a bad day to wear suede shoes.
 * (Howard, Raj and Sheldon are asleep on the couch. Howard has let go of the ring and Raj has just let go of it too and has started to sleep on him. Sheldon wakes up and sees he still has the ring. Howard and Raj then wake up to hear Sheldon yelling out victoriously.)
 * Sheldon: I've done it, I've Won, The ring is mine! IT'S MINE!
 * (Sheldon runs into the bathroom, closes the door and turns on the tap in the sink to start washing the ring.)
 * Sheldon: We're going to clean it up, and make it pretty. My own, my love, (in Gollum voice) MY PRECIOUS!
 * (Sheldon looks in the mirror to see that he has become Gollum.)
 * Sheldon: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (Sheldon wakes up from his dream.) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!


 * (Sheldon is sneaking into Leonard's room to take the "One Ring" prop.)
 * Sheldon: I knew It.
 * (He is almost successful until Leonard grabs his arm.)
 * Sheldon: Give us the Precious!
 * Leonard: NEVER!
 * Leonard and Sheldon: Gimme! Never! Gimme, It's MINE! Never! Gimme, It's MINE! Gimme, It's mine! It's MINE, Gimme! Gimme!....
 * (The two of them fight and annoy Penny.)
 * Penny: (Sigh), I gotta to go back to dating dumb guys from the gym!
 * Leonard and Sheldon: Gimmie! Gimmie! IT'S MINE!!....(The two roommates continue fighting.)