The Truth Hurts

1 Hey! What are you doing tomorrow? Well, it's Tuesday, so I'm gonna be at school. What are you gonna do? I meant after school. Hey, here's an idea off the top of my head. Not like I put any thought into it. Why don't we play dress-up? You can be, I don't know, a middle-aged Southern belle. (Chuckles) I have a better idea. How about you play dress-up as someone who gets real and tells me what they really want. Okay, I need you to do this because I applied for an after-school job, and I need a recommendation from my former employer, Mrs. Dubois. The only problem is, Mrs. Dubois does not exist. So you want me to pretend to be your old boss, and you picked a Southern belle? It was either that or a Russian contortionist. Your spine should be thanking me. Come on, it is a cool job. Working at a food bank, helping people in our community. Don't you want me to be a better person? Of course I do. Let me get you started off. Stop lying about your work experience. Come on, KC, please. Okay, fine. Fine. What are we thinking? Big hair maybe. Some glasses. Whatever you think. But a parasol wouldn't kill anybody. Actually, last time I used a parasol on a mission never mind. I'll do it. Oh, when danger comes for you You know I'll stand beside you 'Cause ain't nobody keep things hustle cool I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire Don't tell nobody, tell nobody I'm not perfect So many things I wanna tell you But I, I, I, I keep it undercover Livin' my life, no way to learn Doin' my thing, gonna make it work Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless But I always got your back Nobody can do it like I can I gotta find out who I am Ain't got to worry about me It's all part of the plan I keep it undercover. I keep it undercover. Yeah, I think this batch is gonna work. Bro. How many times do I have to tell you, you cannot make yourself a girlfriend. For your information, I happen to be working on advancing my career. As what? A weird scientist. 'Cause you're already halfway there. Oh, clown all you want. You certainly have the feet for it. I am trying to make a name for myself in the Organization. Oh, really? I thought you already had a name. Agent Nobody Else Was Available. Ha ha! Eh. Look, this is my shot. I know I'm never gonna be Action Hero Guy. Feel free to disagree at any point. - Sure, you could. - Sure, you can. Anyway, I have mad serious science skills. And lab techs solve just as many cases as field agents. I'm just trying to improve myself. But if you wanna make fun of me, go right ahead. Fine. You're so ugly that when Agent Kira dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering. Ha! Denied. You know what? Science is cool and so are you. I'm proud of you, bro. Thank you. It feels nice to be appreciated. Plus, when I get rich from my experiments, I'm gonna be able to buy myself a 3-D printer. That's right, this boy's not going to prom alone. Uh, why is that glass empty? What happened to the truth serum I've been working on? Oh, hey, Sophie. Good seeing you. You still smell like cat pee. Why did I just say that? I mean, it's true, but why did I just say that? Oh, hey, what's up, guys? Way to lose that 58-point lead last night. You guys choke more than CPR dummies. I am so sorry that I didn't say that sooner. - Hey, KC - Not now, Ernie. I'm feeling really weird and I feel like something is seriously wrong with me. We don't have time to discuss your personality flaws right now. But let's bookmark it, because that's a conversation I've been dying to have. But right now, here's what you need to know. I created a truth serum, you accidentally drank it, and it's working. Are you feeling any side effects? Yeah, just this overwhelming urge to strangle my brother. I don't know why they're making us give dumb presentations about our dumb family history. And I don't know why the glue doesn't stick to the inside of the bottle. At least this project gives us a chance to get to know each other better. I know everything I need to know about the kids in our class. They're loud, smelly doofs. Present company included. You mean excluded. Do I? Do I really? Ernie, your stupid little truth serum is driving me nuts. Uh, KC. Not now, Judy. You know what it's like to tell the truth all day? No, you don't, because no one actually tells the truth all day. We protect each other's feelings. And you know what happens when you don't? People start to develop feelings about you, like hatred and disgust and apparently, they don't need your little truth serum - to share their truthful feelings. - Uh, KC, we have company. (Distractedly) Hi, Petey. (Sweetly) Hi, Petey. What were you just saying about a truth serum? Nothing that I can say without you finding out about our family secret. What family secret? Uh, we're competitive cloggers. Uh, we came in third at the Mid-Atlantic Clog-Off. He's lying. We're spies. You're spies?! Don't listen to KC. She's just pulling your leg. We're just your regular, average, normal family. And Judy's a robot. I knew something was going on around here. The comings, the goings. That time you threw the girl's head across the attic. And of course you're a robot. I've never seen you eat. That's because you make me lose my appetite. Liar! Spy! Robot! Mom!! That went well. KC: No, it didn't. Marisa: KC, I need to talk to you. KC, I Ernie, I thought you said KC was up here. I am. Why are you in that box? I'm hiding from you. If you wanted to hide from me, just go to the library. Now stop playing. It's time for you to become Mrs. Dubois, and give me the recommendation for the food bank. Okay, Marisa, look. Um, I have to tell you something. I just want you to listen and say okay for the sake of our friendship, all right? Okay. Okay. I cannot give you that recommendation today. Okay. Why? Marisa, why can't you just say okay? KC, what's going on? Ernie gave me a truth serum, and now I am not responsible for the words that come out of my mouth. Ooh, like last year when I had the flu. (Makes vomiting sound) Yeah, that, um That wasn't the flu. I actually undercooked the brownies I made you, and gave you a mild case of food poisoning. Well, it wasn't really mild, because technically, you were dead for almost a minute. See that? That's the truth serum, and I can't control it. Okay. I'm skipping past the "you killed me" part and going straight to relax. All you have to do is say that I'd be the best candidate for the job. (Clears throat) Yes, that is what you want me to say. Uh, but Being Mrs. Dubois, that would be untruthful, right? So I really think that we should just postpone. But they're deciding today. If you don't go and give me the recommendation, I won't get the job. You're not really gonna let me down, are you? My, my, my. And a good afternoon to you, Mr. Todd Clint, I presume. Mrs. Dubois, I presume. Well, you presume wrong. Excuse me? My friends, they call me KC. I hope you'll call me KC, too. All right? Everybody calls me KC. Okay. Uh, Mrs. Dubois. Mm-mm-mm. KC. It says here that Marisa worked as your part-time personal assistant. Yes. That is what it says. Those words are on that paper. You know, Marisa, she is a lovely gal. She's vivacious, good-humored, sweeter than a sugar cake on a baby's bottom. Well, I should go now. Here is a can of creamed corn for y'all. Have a good day, darlin', all right? Uh, just a few more questions. Please, since you're here. Oh, goody goody gumdrops. So how long have you known Marisa? Since I was five. You mean, since she was five? Yes, that is true. I have known Marisa since she was five. We used to take baths together. Can we wrap this up now? Uh, we're almost finished. Would you say that Marisa is generally on time? Oh, yes, absolutely. She is always on time. For a party or a sale. Not for anything important when you're really countin' on her. Well, thank you for your candor. I have just one more question. If you were me, would you hire Marisa for this job? No, no. No, no way. Absolutely not. Negatory. Nein, nicht, nope. If I wasn't clear before, no. Wow. Uh, well, is there anything else you wanna tell me? You look like a sleepy turtle. Where I come from, dear, that's a compliment. No, it's not. Oh, hey, Sophie, looking good. And smelling even better. Hey, guys. I heard you guys killed it on the court last night. Even though you lost 86-3, at least no one fainted this time. Way to hydrate. I am so glad that truth serum wore off. Feels good to lie again. KC. Hey, Marisa. I just wanna say thank you so much for that recommendation yesterday. Oh. Yeah, it's all good. I'm really glad it worked out, 'cause I was actually really worried that you were gonna be upset with me. Why would I be upset? You generously took the time out of your busy day to put on that elaborate costume and heavy makeup to go all the way down to the food bank and crush my dreams. So you are upset. That makes more sense. If I wanted someone to go down there and point out all of my flaws, I could've just sent my mother. Because of what you said, Todd thinks that I am incapable of hard work. Marisa, I didn't say that you couldn't work hard. I said that you didn't work hard. Which now that I say it out loud, is not very comforting. I'm sorry. I really am. You know that I would never do anything to hurt you. Yeah, I know. But in my defense, I told you, I needed to wait till that truth serum wore off, and the good news is, it did. I'm sorry. Are you saying because you were on truth serum, you couldn't find one nice thing to say about me? No. No, no, no. No, I just got kinda jammed up with the way he was asking me the questions. Yes. After all of your experience being interrogated by international crime thugs, I'm sure Food Bank Todd was very intimidating. He must've really raked you across the coals, huh? Marisa, don't be like that. Please? Look, I said I'm sorry and I meant it. Let's be real. We all know that if you would've gotten the job, you would've just gotten bored after five minutes and quit anyway. KC, I know some people think that I'm just some shallow party girl, and yes, I do like to have fun, but there is more to me than that. I really wanted that job with the food bank. I wanted to make a difference. Maybe my world isn't as big as yours, but right now, it's feeling a little too big. - Maybe you shouldn't be in it. - (Bell rings) Uh, Marisa, just to be clear, it's maybe, not definitely, right? Because you said maybe, but your body kinda said definitely. Marisa, it's a maybe, right? Marisa! I don't think it's a maybe. As you guys can see from my family tree, both of my grandparents were accountants. (Coughs) Lies. And my parents are accountants, too. (Coughs) Lies! It's obvious, with all these accountants that I wanna grow up to be anything but an accountant. She's lying. They're not accountants, they're spies. Spies? What? I don't know what he's talking about. And this one, she's a robot. Yeah, right. I'm a robot. I'm Judy. Bee-bop, bee-bop. - Beee - (Laughter) It's true. She is a robot. Open your eyes, people. Have you ever seen her eat mac and cheese? What kid doesn't like mac and cheese? Don't listen to Petey. His family tree grows nothing but nuts. Marisa, I need to talk to you. Well, I don't want to talk to you. Okay, dude, come on, we need to work this out. Can't you see that I am on a date? Cecil and I are in the middle of a scintillating conversation where Cecil is telling me in 500 to 700 words about Roman mythology. You do realize that she's just using you so that you'll do her homework. Yeah, I know. It's how I get all my dates. Gotta use what my mama gave me. Yeah, well, did she give you feet, 'cause I'm gonna need you to use 'em. Know what, Marisa? Enough is enough. What's that? It's Ernie's truth serum. I know that I hurt you, and I think the only way for us to get past this is for you to just get even, so I want you to drink this and tell me whatever it is that's on your mind. Okay, look, I know you're hesitant because you don't want to hurt me as much as I hurt you Really, I think that Okay. Yeah, sure. Uh, let it fly. Let me have it. You wanna know what I really think about you? Fine. I will tell you. You make me the happiest person on Earth. I feel joy when I see your face. When I am depressed, all I have to do is think about you, and it puts me in a good mood. - Okay, well - I am not done with you. The worst part is, you inspire me, KC Cooper. You inspire me to give back to the world the way you do. That is why I wanted to work at the food bank in the first place. Because I see everything that you do, and everything that you accomplish, and it makes me think maybe, just maybe, I could step outside my comfort zone and accomplish a little bit more than I thought I could. Okay, I I am still not done with you. I like that sweater on you. It is a nice color. It totally complements the warm, sunny glow of your impossibly lovely, gorgeous skin. Okay, well, I don't need a truth serum to tell you that right now, honestly, I feel terrible. I mean, so terrible that even Ivan the Terrible would look at me and go, "I can't with you. You are terrible. " You are, but your hair is phenomenal. It is both bouncing and behaving. I'm so sorry about the weird way Petey acted at school. Making up all those stories. Who does he think he is, Hans Christian Andersen? Why can't he just stick his nose in his phone and play games like all the other kids? Hey, don't feel like you have to apologize. Also don't feel like you have to stay. I'm in no rush. They're tenting my house for bedbugs. Well, in that case, you look thirsty. Want some juice? Love juice. Don't mind if I do. That tastes weird. I love it. Hi, Mrs. Goldfeder. Ernie. Have I ever told you how much I love this house, and I love the way your mother decorated it. I mean, a table in the kitchen, and a couch in the living room. Who does that? I love, love, love it. And I love, love, love being your neighbor. Wow. That's an awful lot of love. (Gasps) I really gotta stop leaving my experiments lying around. If you would just give me a chance to Marisa, Marisa, please. I just don't think you're the right person for this job. Look, I have to tell you something. I lied to you. I've never had a real job in my life. That's why I sent my friend down here to pretend she was my former employer. She's not an older woman named Mrs. Dubois. I can't tell you how sorry I am. I also can't tell you how she was able to access cutting-edge facial prosthetics and movie-studio quality makeup, so let's just skip past that part, okay? I just I really wanted this job. I think what you're doing here is important work, and I wanted to be a part of that. In fact, I would do this job even if you didn't pay me. Oh. Why didn't you say so? There's a lot of competition requirements for the paying position, but anyone can volunteer. You're hired. Hey, I really have the job? Sure. You just won't get paid. I'll take it. And I promise, I will be worth every penny. Okay, Marisa. Marisa, I am a highly trained spy. How many times have I told you you cannot sneak up on me like that? I don't remember the exact number. But right now, I don't remember my exact name. Oh, what's this? It's my "I'm sorry" memory board. Oh, look. We're, like, five years old in this picture. Oh, how cute. I'm giving you a makeover. And here we are, just last week. And you were giving me a makeover. I don't know why I bother. There's nothing anybody can do to make your hideous face look attractive. I am hoping that truth serum wore off. A couple hours ago. But, if you want the truth, I didn't like what you said about me. But it wasn't 100% wrong, and I am trying to change. Which is why I went down to the food bank, came clean, and they are letting me be a volunteer. That's awesome. Marisa, you handled it all by yourself. I'm really, really proud of you. You're totally becoming responsible. So when does this new job start? A half hour ago. I gotta go! Well, it's a process. Do you know what I'm thinking? That you love, love, love that apple? You really get me, Ernie. Believe it or not, some people find me annoying. I'm gonna go with believe it. (Knocking on door) Hey, neighbor. I got your message. What's up? We just bought a new juicer. - I thought you'd like to try a sample. - Sounds tasty. Oh, Mr. Hancock. You know Mrs. Goldfeder, right? Yeah, that loud, obnoxious windbag who Makes my heart flutter like a butterfly on a warm summer day. You're not too shabby yourself, Mr. Sweet Talker. Wow. I never noticed what blue eyes you have. I could go swimming in those pools. Well, dive on in. The water's fine. Can I interest you in coming over for a cup of coffee? Okay. You should know, I like my coffee hot, blonde, and full-bodied. You left out "to go. " Rob, your name's on TV.