Double, Double, Boy in Trouble

Stupid shopping list, turning food into work. Bart! Look at me! I'm doing something! (EXCLAIMS) You better settle down, boy, or I'll drag you into the blind spot of that security camera and beat you with one of those big thick women's magazines with all the ads in it. Mr. Homer, why don't you forget your worries with this, the last lottery ticket on the roll. (SING-SONG) They say the last one is lucky unlike all the others. Lucky, or not. You make a good case. I'll take it! Dad! Look at me! Look at me! Cannonball! (SCREAMS) I'll take that last lottery ticket, Apu. (EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHS) Again! (BART GRUNTING) Lenny: I won! I won! $50,000! Ponder this, Homer. This ticket would've been yours if your kid hadn't been screwing around! That is true. Another ironic tale of the Kwik-E-Mart. (APU LAUGHS EVILLY) You just cost me $200,000! I thought it was 50. I was going to bet it on the dogs! All the groceries seem to have been balled up in anger. That kid has become a Dennis-level menace! Now, Homer, boys will be boys. Bart cost us $50,000! (GRUNTS ANGRILY) (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) (GROANS) I'm going to Moe's. All: (SINGING) Lenny! Lenny! He's our guy! Got the ticket Homer didn't buy! (SIGHS) Cheer up, Homer. The drinks are on Lenny. I don't want your pity booze. I'll pay for it myself. I gotta check with Lenny on that. Is that all right, Lenny? Nope! Lucky Lenny's buying all the drinks tonight! Sorry, Homer. But here's a compromise. Why don't you both pay for the drink? And tip. I just want to tell you all that even before I won this money, I was the luckiest guy in the world because I've got friends like you. All: Aww. That's why I'm spending my remaining scratcher winnings on a kick-ass party for all my friends! (ALL CHEERING) (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) (DEEP SIGH) Where's Bart? We're gonna be late for Lenny's party. Bart: Don't waste your shot, Bart. You've got just enough cat pee to soak two dorks. (TODD LAUGHS) Bart Simpson! Did you just spray water on me? It was water this morning. (GRUNTS) Dang that Bart! Thanks to him, I have to wear my backup dress, which makes my arms look fat. You look great! Ha-ha! You feel self-conscious! (MARGE GRUNTS ANGRILY) Why can't our son just behave? Well, Marge, you did have that one sip of alcohol while you were pregnant. I now christen this ship, the USS Float and Shoot. (MARGE GASPS) Ay, caramba! Ay, caramba! That was unforgivable. But I'm beginning to think that Bart's bad behavior is more than just a phase. Mom! Bart's flicking boogers on me! They're not boogers! They're clumps of rubber cement that I stored in my nose. Oh! Stop it, both of you! Don't make me drive into that tree! You know I will! (TIRES SQUEALING) No flicking boogers! And no driving into trees! Both: Yes, ma'am. (PIANO PLAYING SLOW MUSIC) Wow, Lenny went all out. Announcer: In the beginning, there was darkness. So God created man. But man was alone. God created the animals and birds. (ELEPHANT TRUMPETING) But man was still lonely. (LEOPARD CA TERWAULING) So God said, let there be friends! (SINGING) Thank you for being a friend. Travel down the road and back again. Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidant. Thank you for being a friend Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for being a friend Thank you for letting me take home the centerpiece! These are going right on my mom's grave! Thank you for being a friend Lenny, it was pretty cool of you to spend your lotto winnings on your pals. It was worth it so everyone could have a wonderful evening and go home with a gift bag. Hmm. A vacuuming robot? (LAUGHS EVILLY) Now before you all leave, I know everyone hates vacuuming and loves robots! (ALL EXCLAIM) (ALL EXCLAIMING IN FEAR) (PANTING) (SCREAMS) These innocent robots couldn't have done this on their own. Somebody would've had to turn them all on at once and imbue them with some kind of malevolent sentience. Yep, there it is. Well, whoever did this must be long gone by now, Chief. I don't know how we'll ever catch him. Kill, kill, kill! Hold it right there, Bart. Can you tell us anything about who did this? Vac-U-Bot: Bart make bot bad. (ALL MURMURING ANGRILY) I can explain. Kill the child! (DRESS RIPPING) (EXCLAIMS IN ANGER) Bart, I've had it with you! I'm taking away all your TV privileges. You already did that. Okay, then video games. That, too. No more non-dice board games! What? You can't take my Balderdash away! I just did! (BART GRUNTS ANGRILY) I don't mean to be bad. I don't know why I do the things I do. (SIGHS) No one understands me. I wish I had a different family. Simon: (IN CULTURED VOICE) I feel exactly the same way. Oh, my God. You look like a dorky version of me! And you look like a dimwitted version of me! And you two are 10-year-old versions of me. The three of us could create quite a lot of mischief. But I have to fly back to New York. That's where my wife and I live. That's her. You want to see pictures of our kids? My name is Simon Woosterfield. Woosterfield? Your family owns this place. And Woosterfield Arena. Bonnie Raitt played there. You guys must be loaded! Yes. You know, but the funny thing about being rich is sometimes you wake up feeling... Terrific? Incredible? Happy as a clown? Yeah. I'm living the dream. (COUGHING) (INHALES DEEPLY) Wouldn't it be hilarious if we switched places and lived each other's lives for a while? I don't know. I'm pretty attached to my family. And... Homer: Get out here, boy! I want to punish you before I get drunk and merciful! Deal! My father's name is Homer. My mother's name is Mom. My sister's name is Lisa but everyone calls her Loser. (LAUGHING) My butler's name is Chester. I have a brother named Devon and a sister named Quenley. And my horse is called Shadowfax. You can't miss him. He's the only Lipizzaner in our stable. Lipizzaner, got it. There you are, Master Simon. Thank you, Lipizzaner. As you say, sir. Watch your head. Bart: Ow. (CAR ENGINE STARTING) (HOMER GRUNTING ANGRILY) You ruin everything! Driver, laugh at those people for me. My pleasure, sir. (CHESTER LAUGHS FALSELY) McMansion, McMansion, McMansion, McDonald's? McDreamy. McSteamy. McMansion, Fleetwood Mac and Macaulay Culkin! And this is your home, sir. But of course you already knew that. Bart: Awesome. Awesome! Awesome! (EXCLAIMS DISINTERESTEDLY) This is my bedroom? A candy corn volcano? A ceiling from Saddam's palace? Ooh! And a racecar bed! That really races! Wow. Cool poster of Joe Montana. It's not a poster. (BART SCREAMS) I'm the real deal. And every day I stand here, the family donates a million dollars to Notre Dame. Did you know the words "Notre Dame" are French but the team is the Fighting lrish? That's the kind of thing I think about in here. Back in the poster, Gabby. Yes, sir. Milhouse, it's me. Check out the caller ID on your phone. Blocked number? That service is 3.65 a month! Did you switch places with a millionaire kid who looks just like you? Just sit tight. I'm sending a car. Why are these noodles orange? I made it with Cheetos, just like you like it. If the sauce is too thick, I can add more root beer. Maybe I'm just not hungry. Human garbage can to the rescue! So at work today, we got a memo saying everyone's getting new chairs. Father, could you... Talk louder? You bet! Naturally I threw my old chair in the Dumpster right away! But then Lenny said, "No. That was the new chair. "That memo was two months old." So now I'm sitting on an orange crate. (LAUGHS) I never felt so... Will you stop spitting food on me? Huh? Keep your meal in your mouth, you semi-literate spew monkey! That's it, boy! You're going to bed without supper! That was an odd thing for Bart to say. Maybe he's going through certain changes. If that boy thinks I'm paying to put him through four years of puberty, forget it! Stupid kids, think I'm made of hormones. (MUFFLED) Mister La-Di-Da, uppity... This is the greatest great hall I've ever eaten in, Bart. Chester: Huh? I mean, Simon. Oh. This must be my half-brother and half-sister! They're beautiful. I mean, just the girl. I didn't notice the beautiful boy. So I said, "Dad, I wanted a Range Rover, not a Land Rover." This is the worst Martin Luther King Day ever! Well, well, if it isn't our halfwit half-brother. Ow. The old hot spoon! But why? Because you're our half-brother, you're blocking our full inheritance, and we hate you. Now I get it. Quenley: Hmm! Bart, I have a crush on your new sister. You had a crush on my old sister! Yeah. But that was never gonna happen. Give me back my newspaper! Marge: Homer, it's not a real paper! It's a rubber chew toy! For your information, the Daily Growl is the only newspaper that's not afraid to say how great this country is! (LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY) How's the war going? We're winning? That's great! And our standing abroad? (TOY SQUEAKING) Fantastic. This place is insane. Tonight I got sent to bed without dinner! Yeah. Well, what's up with your brother and sister? They're jealous because my father left their mother to be with my mother, to... You lost me. Well, gotta go. Enjoy the upper lower middle class. (SIGHS) Bart, honey? I saw you didn't like your dinner. So I thought you might like pepperoni pizza with the crusts cut off. Now let me tuck you in, fluff your pillow, and sprinkle a little fairy dust to keep the monsters away. (WHISPERS) It's cinnamon. Nighty-night, sweetheart. I could get used to this. Fancy party. This is like a rap video before the rappers show up. Simon, have you ever seen the family mausoleum? All the Woosterfields will be buried here. Do you know that after 100 years, dead bodies turn to red licorice? Whoa! Let me at it! Bart: Help! Let me out! I have my doubts about this licorice! (MR. BURNS GROANS) Mr. Burns, I'm really sorry. Nonsense, Young Woosterfield. Your fortune is greater than mine. It is I who am at your service. Smithers, fetch us some lemonade! (MR. BURNS GRUNTS WEAKLY) (SMITHERS PANTING) All they had was Sunnytime Pink. Premix? I beg your forgiveness, lad. Smithers, pour it down your pants! Now squish about in those pants, rewetting every hour! (SQUISHING) Come with me. You know, Master Simon, I too was once the youngest in a wealthy family. You were once the youngest of something? But fortune ended up smiling on me while snuffing the life from my siblings. My older brother was trampled by a horse. My sister died of a poisoned potato. My twin was shot. That girl was stabbed. He ate another poisoned potato. Spontaneous combustion. Fell down a well, potato, potato, and impaled on the Chrysler Building. Wow. Only you survived. (GASPS) Which means the entire fortune went to you! Yes. Funny, that. A word of caution, Young Woosterfield. Watch out for those closest to you. Devon and Quenley? You don't know when they'll strike. A boating accident, a mishap during a ski trip. But rest assured, one way or another, they will do you in. Oh, my God. Simon set me up. And all this time I thought he wanted the life of a stranger he met in the bathroom. Now, would you care to continue this conversation on the teeter-totter? (BART GRUNTING) Why won't you come down? I told you. I only weigh as much as my clothes and keys. Hmm. So I looked down the barrel of my Winchester rifle, I pulled the trigger, and I shot that buffalo! You shot a buffalo? (STUTTERING) You were listening? Oh. That means I gotta come up with an ending for this nonsense! Bart, what are you doing? Politely listening to our grandfather. Huh. It was the war to end all wars. But Pepsi would not give up. They continued to challenge Coke! (SIMON EXCLAIMS IN SHOCK) Okay, listen, you. I don't know who you are or what you've done with the real Bart, but... Well, God help me, I want him back. I don't know what you're talking about. (CHUCKLES) The real Bart would've thrown me out the window! He would have defenestrated you? You're just digging yourself even deeper. (GRUNTING) Come on, Bart. You gotta get out of here. Pack like you've never packed before. You know, I have never packed before. (GRUNTING) This is hard. So you're packing. You must've already heard. Heard what? We're going to Aspen. On a little ski trip. Ski trip? You won't know how they'll strike. A boating accident, a ski trip. (SCREAMS) (SINGING) Scrubbing you is easy 'cause you've been pre-rinsed. And when you're covered with goo that's when I'm scrubbing you. Scrub-ub-ub-ub-ub Scrub-ub-ub-ub-ub Mom, "Bart" has something to tell you. I don't like the look of those air quotes. So now Bart is on his way to Aspen where they're going to try to kill him. Thank you, Future Bart, for traveling back through time to warn us. Boy, Aspen sure is ritzy. Even the winos look better. We are champagnos. Who wants a mimosa? Uh... This trail is for experienced skiers. Which is what you'll be if you make it to the bottom. Which you won't. (BART SCREAMS) Soon he'll be dead. And we'll split the inheritance. Yes, split. Potato? (GASPS) There's Bart! This looks like a job for Captain Crazy! Up, up, and away! Come on, gravity. You used to be cool. D'oh! (HOMER SCREAMS) Occupied. (EXCLAIMING) (BOTH EXCLAIMING) (SIGHS TIREDLY) Two hot chocolates, please. Are you guests at the lodge? No. (BOTH SCREAMING) You know, I feel sorry for you, kid, going back to that cold, loveless family. I'll survive. Your favorite, sir. Hot fudge sundae with gold leaf and diamond flakes. Take me with you! I'll be anything and everything you want! Don't leave me here with them! I never thought I'd say this, but I missed you guys. Even what's-her-name... Lisa. (LISA GRUNTS ANGRILY) Now we tuck in the tummy, the tushy, and the tootsies. (MARGE GIBBERING) (BART LAUGHING) This is the life.