Hannah Dakota

[Miley Stewart, in her disguise as Hannah Montana, pulls up at the Dakota Hotel where an eager fan is waiting for her.]


 * Fan: Oh, my god! Hannah Montana, will you sign the latest album for me?
 * Miley: Oh, sure. Where is it?
 * Fan: Oh, I don't buy CD's anymore. (lifts up her laptop computer) Sign my iTunes!

[Miley signs the monitor and starts to walk into the hotel.]


 * Fan: Thanks! You're the best. Oh! One more thing.

''[Miley turns around, and the fan pulls out a handgun and shoots her straight through the chest, splattering blue blood everywhere. The fan drops the gun and runs off, as Miley drops down dead.''

In a classroom, all the students are in tears over the death of Hannah Montana as the bell rings.]


 * Teacher: Settle down, people!

[At the back of the class, Miley's two best friends Lily and Oliver (who knew that Miley was Hannah Montana) are sobbing.]


 * Teacher: Lily, Oliver, w-w-why are you crying?
 * Lily: I'm crying because Miley's...
 * Oliver: (whispering) Shh! Lily, we've gotta keep Miley's secret!
 * Lily: Uuueh... Miley... is... eh, home with diarrhea!

[The rest of the class laugh at this.]


 * Teacher: Well, her midterm is tomorrow, so let's hope her stool tightens considerably.

[Lily and Oliver look worried.

In the funeral home, Robbie Ray Stewart is crying over his daughter's body.]


 * Robbie Ray: Oh, Miley, my darling baby girl.

[The Funeral Home owner appears.]


 * Owner: Oh, Mr. Stewart, such a shame about your client. Will your daughter come and pay her respects?

[This causes a fresh flood of tears from Robbie Ray.]


 * Owner: Oh, there there. A big hug from your daughter will cheer you up. I'm sure she's just stuck in traffic.
 * Robbie Ray: Oh, God!

''[At the head of the coffin, Lily and Oliver appears. Oliver grabs Miley's head.]''


 * Oliver: All right. Come on, Lily, help me.
 * Lily: Oliver, this feels wrong.
 * Oliver: Hey, we were Miley's best friends. We gotta protect her secret at any cost, which means getting her to that midterm.

''[The two grab Miley's corpse and leave with it. They're then shown crossing the street with Miley between them, Weekend-at-Bernie's style. A bus comes around the corner and honks at them, causing Lily and Oliver to run in separate directions and leave Miley's body to get hit and sent flying.]''


 * Lily: (gasps) Oh, no!

''[Miley crashes through a window and lands in a bar. Inside, Lindsay Lohan has finished several drinks. A waiter is taking her order.]''


 * Waiter: I'll be right back with your drinks, Miss Lohan.

[Miley hits the waiter and sends him flying, before landing next to Lindsay.]


 * Lindsay: Hannah Montana? The tabloids said you were dead! I hate those liars!

[She hits Miley's body, causing her to slump down.]


 * Lindsay: Ha-ha! You need some hair of the dog. Hey, waiter, who've I got to freak to get a fresh round of Minnie Drivers over here?!

''[The body falls to the floor. Lily and Oliver then enter, and Oliver talks to the Maitre 'D.]''


 * Oliver: (trying to act casual) Ah, hey, what's up? Did you happen to see a limp blonde girl fly through the window?

''[The Maitre 'D points to a door. Lily and Oliver open it. Lily looks like she's about to be sick.]''


 * Lily: Oh, my God.

''[A waiter is sandwiched between Lindsay and Miley's body. Lindsay is having sex.......oh god its that lindsay]''


 * Lindsay: Whoo-hoo! Yeah-ah! Menage a butt! Yeah.

''[The waiter protests in Spanish. Lily and Oliver try to make a getaway with the body.]''


 * Lily: I'm sorry, Hannah's got rehearsal.
 * Lindsay: Ha-ha, rehearsal-urkel. Let's have an adventure.

''[Lindsay is then seen driving a boat with Lily and Oliver on board. Miley is tied to waterskis on the back, but slams off buoys and a boat filled with partyers.]''


 * Lindsay: Yeah-ha-ha-ha-ha! AROOGA! Ha! Look at me! I'm Space Craft! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
 * Oliver: Uh, Lindsay?
 * Lindsay: Captain Lohan!
 * Lily: Aagh, watch out!

[Some dolphins start to swim alongside the boat.]


 * Lindsay: Smile, sharks! They want my gold!

[Lindsay starts to run them over, and their bodies are sent crashing into Miley.

Next, the foursome are in a Teppanyaki restaurant watching a chef do his routine.]


 * Lindsay: No way, he's a witch!

[Miley's face falls onto the grill.]


 * Lindsay: I've gotta drop some crap off at the pool.
 * Oliver: Let's get the hell out of here!

''[In the classroom, the class are in the middle of their midterms. Miley's face now has half the flesh burned off.]''


 * Student: Ugh, what smells like a baby's a-censored like a dolphin laugh-s full of Indian food?
 * Teacher: No talking during the test, people.

[The door bursts open to reveal Robbie Ray alongside the police.]


 * Robbie Ray: There she is!
 * Teacher: What's going on here?
 * Robbie Ray: My daughter Miley was really... Hannah Montana!

[After a second to take in the revelation, the class jump for joy and rush to Miley for an autograph.]


 * Lily: Oliver, do something!
 * Oliver: (dragging Miley's body to the window) Run, Miley! Run!

''[He throws it through. The body falls to the ground causing the head to sever. It rolls along the ground with blue blood pouring from the neck.''

Miley Cyrus is then seen crying hysterically in a chair, knees clenched in horror as a Disney Executive looms over her.]


 * Disney Executive: ...and that's how we'll end Hannah Montana if you ever get knocked up like that Zoey 101 whore! Got it, Cyrus!?
 * Miley: (between sobs) I won't! I won't! I promise!