Lincoln Lover

My first meeting of the Langley Conservative Republicans. Oh! I've dreamed of this day for as long as I can remember you telling me I've dreamed of this day. Plus, tonight is very special. They're gonna announce who gets to speak at this year's Republican National Convention. The buzz is your old man's a shoo-in. Awesome, Dad! You're the most abortion-hating, stem-cell-research-opposing defecit-loving, affirmative-action-despising, Bible-thumping xenophobe I know. I've been waiting my whole life for this. And I can't think of anyone else I'd rather share it with. Stan. Stan, I'm ready to go. Stan? Didn't we already go through a security check? Oh, they aren't checking for weapons here. They're checking for something far more dangerous: Gay. - Gay? - Some Republicans want to allow gays to attend the convention this year. The Langley Conservatives are determined to keep them out and the party pure. Luckily, there are ways to identify them. Your typical homosexual male will be in great shape well dressed, wearing sandals, holding a brightly colored drink and listening to Céline Dion. - I own sandals. - Yes, but you can't pull 'em off. And that's how you spot your typical homosexual female. Check your fingernails for dirt. A gay would've checked for dirt this way. What does E. R. A. Stand for? Earned run average? A gay would've said "Equal Rights Amendment. " No! I just like musicals! So then it's cool to alienate gays? Yes, it is, Son. Gays are the new blacks. Remember, Steve, these hell-bound folk have made a choice to be gay. And they won't rest until everyone else is gay with them. - How do they do that? - They're insidious. It starts with them asking to borrow a wrench and ends with you on a boat to Mykonos wearing a pair of"assless" chaps. Welcome Langley Conservatives. It's time to announce who will be speaking for us at the Republican National Convention. Throw this when they announce my name. I couldn't find confetti, so I shredded a few napkins. It shouldn't be so hard to find confetti. Nancy Calliope. Thank you, Steve. Thank you for making my shame more festive. Snubbed by the Langley Conservatives after all I've done for them. I mean, I'm the guy who suggested a separate drink fridge. There are two fridges there now, Francine, one that's just for drinks. My cheeses from Lyon just arrived. See, I've organized them from mildest to boldest. And in this direction, from youngest- To most mature- I am honored, sir. Now, I found these small leather journals, so we can record our impressions as we go. Cheese makes me feel better. Can't have nice things! I know what'll cheer you up, honey. The community theater's putting on a play about Abraham Lincoln. Ah, Abe Lincoln, the first Republican, pure and perfect. Clorox bleach gets your whites white. Test drive the new Lincoln Continental. The McRib is back! Aren't we all just slaves? - That was an abomination. - Lincoln has been assassinated in the theater twice. Wow, that's nice, Steve. The G. O. P. Has lost its way, Francine. And as a proud member, it's up to me- Really, Steve, very nice turn of phrase back there- to help us get back to our roots for the future Republicans of this country. - Francine, wake up! - What's wrong? Is one of the children dead? I know how I'm gonna show Steve what it means to be a true Republican- by doing my own play about Abraham Lincoln. I'm gonna write the play from the point of view of one of Lincoln's greatest admirers. Did you know Abe had a personal bodyguard named Captain David Derickson? They traveled together, shared secrets, hopes, dreams. See, I've set the play during the winter of 1863. - That's when Abe and David really grew close. - Hey, you two. Don't forget our soiree on the third. But, and we mean it, don't bring a thing. Especially not a chilled bottle of Clos du Bois Chardonnay. You're so bad. Isn't that right, Heath Ledger? Isn't Poppy bad? Greg and Terry- handsome, successful, eligible bachelors. We really should set them up with some nice women. Hey, how about your sister? Uh, I don't think so, Stan. Yeah, you're right. She's too hot. God, is Gwen hot. And slender. God. And that dress she wore at our wedding. Oh, I have never seen her more beautiful than on that day. It's 2::00 a. m. We're in Mr. Lincoln's bedroom. He's invited me, his bodyguard, David Derickson, to sleep over again. I'm sorry Mary Todd takes so many long trips, Mr. Lincoln. Hmm? Okay, Abe. This log cabin will represent the strong roots of the Republican Party you founded, Mr. Lincoln. God, you have such muscles. I think "four score" sounds better than 80 more theatrical. I was his bodyguard, and he was my everything. Let me take you home, Abe, one last time. - You're an inspiration. - I love you. See, Son? People are desperate for a return to good old-fashioned conservative values. Fantastic performance, Stan. This is Bret and Jason. - We're members of the Log Cabin Republicans. - Log Cabin? Our group is based on the founding principles Abe Lincoln stood for. - We're die-hard Republicans. - With dyed-to-match shoes. I don't get it. Our group is speaking at the R. N. C. This year and after seeing you as Lincoln's "special friend" well, we think you encapsulate what we're all about. Would you consider speaking on our behalf? Me? Speaking at the R. N. C? Why, it's a dream come true. Excellent. We're having a mixer at our headquarters later tonight. You know, nothing fancy. We just threw it together at the last minute. Mmm. Oh, my God. What is this? A Cuervo cosmotinian. I first had one on Fire Island. A whole island made of fire? How manly. So, Stan, what do you think of our humble organization? Fantastic. Why didn't I know about the Log Cabin Republicans before? There you are. Stan, I'd like you to meet my partner, Tino. Partner? What are you guys, cops? Partners in a law firm? Tennis partners? Golf partners? You might say I'm Captain Derickson to his Lincoln. Céline Dion. Gays! They're everywhere! I am a pilgrim in an unholy land! Greg, act casual. Get your stuff and meet me outside. - What? Why? - There are gays here. Uh, Stan, I'm gay. What? Does Terry know? Oh, poor, straight Terry. Terry's gay too. He's my boyfriend. I thought you knew. The Log Cabin Republicans are a gay group. A gay group? Oh-Oh, my God. Y-You don't think- Look, I'm straight. I mean, yes, Francine's bat cave grosses me out every now and then, but- We know you're not gay, Stan. But we've always maintained Lincoln was. And the way you portrayed him with his boyfriend- Wait. You got gay from Lincoln Lover? You-You people really grasp at straws. Look, this is ridiculous. How can you be gay and Republican? Ugh, these preconceived notions about gay people. It's time to dispel that stereotype through a lavish musical number. Hit it, Joshua. My God, where did you get that confetti? But you told me we hate the gays. That was A: Before I knew they came in Republican form and B: Before they cut and styled my hair. How can you associate with them? You said they're tearing apart the fabric of this nation. Steve, don't worry. I'm just spending time with them because they're letting me speak at the convention. - So they're not gonna turn you gay? - Of course not, kiddo. Now, I don't wanna be late for my first Log Cabin meeting. "Byesies. " I mean, "byesies. " Wow, front row Clay Aiken. This is the best meeting ever. Good night, guys. Oh, look who stopped kissing. Have fun. - Greg? - Terry, I thought you were at bonsai topiary class. Heath Ledger has a head cold. That's why he's in his sweater. You took a limo with Stan to do a report on the new otters at the zoo? Otters? We're coming from our gay Republican meeting. You're a Republican? - Honey, I can explain. - Oh, you didn't know? Oh, that's- that's funny. Gay couples lie to each other just like regular couples. - Well, bye. - All these years you've been a Republican? - Listen, calm down. We'll go inside and- - I am not calming down. For God's sake, Republicans are the people who say we can't get married. And right now, I want to send them a big thank-you basket from the BodyFactory. Just three more days until I get to speak at the R. N. C. Sip? Oh, my God. What is this and how can I replace my blood with it? It's a Cuervo cosmotinian. - Roger, are you crying? - Tears of joy, Stan. Tears of joy. Stan, thank you for the beautiful roses you left on my nightstand. Oh, no, honey. They're not for you. Those are ambient roses. They're a present for the bedroom. Oh, that was nice of you. I don't know what you've done, Stan, but kudos. No notes for you. Hello, Dad. Wow, that's a nice manicure you have. - Why, thank you, Esteban. - Aha! I knew it! The gays got to you with their insidious ways. I'm not gay. I'm just enjoying the lifestyle. - Now don't squint your eyes. You'll get crow's-feet. - There it is again. This has gone way beyond you speaking at the convention. And I'm not gonna let them have you. This isn't over. Don't you tell me you voted for he who shall not be named! - Look, the war was inevitable. Freedom isn't free. - Are you kidding me? - Hi, I'm here for the Log Cabin Republicans sunset cruise. - Whoa, whoa. Straight check. Who is the only person to win an Oscar, an Emmy and a Tony in the same year? Uh, the guy from Monk? If you get on that boat with those Republicans - then it's open season while you're gone. - Fine. Mary Martin, Cathy Rigby, Sandy Duncan, Mary Lou Retton. Wow. All the Peter Pans, and in order. Bret, Bret. Tell this guy I'm okay. Tell him you can't have a Log Cabin event without me. - You're not invited, Stan. - What? Why? Because your son stopped by the office today and dropped off this. So? It's me and hatemonger Pat Robertson. I met him at some party. I was just walking through. It was just a momentary lapse of judgment. My mind's a blank. Not only are you not invited on the cruise but you're clearly not the kind of person we want speaking for us at the convention. But I am! I've changed! You gotta believe me! Well, Steve, they kicked me out. They're not letting me speak at the R. N. C. I saved your soul, Dad. You can thank me when we're duck hunting with Strom Thurmond in heaven. - You didn't belong with those people. - You're right, Son. I love their world, but I'm not one of them. - You can't live a gay lifestyle without being gay. - Of course you can't. Which is why I've decided to have sex with a man. You wanna have sex with a man? Francine, that's the fourth time you've said that. What doesn't make sense to you? We're married. I'm your wife. God, you can be so selfish. I'm doing this for me. - This can't be happening. - Steve. Stay away from me! I don't wanna catch your gay! It's very simple. If I become gay the Log Cabin Republicans will know I'm one of them. They'll let me speak at the R. N. C. So I'm making this choice. - But where does that leave me? - In the best position of all- with all the other women who can't make it with a straight guy. The role of a hag. I'm not that great at songs yet, but once I poke a guy, I'll be a regular Sondheim. Terry, I heard you tell Greg that it's open season and you're the only gay guy I know who's still in town. So I was hoping I could take you to dinner and then afterwards have sex with you. If my terminology is correct, I'm a power top. I'll get my jacket. You know, I did some research on the Internet about the whole gay club scene. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any crystallized methamphetamines but maybe we can make do with some Michelob Ultra and diet pills. Uh, yeah. Why don't we just have some wine instead? That should break the ice. You're the professional. God, that was so tight. That's what the kids say, right? "Tight" as in "good. " - Your dancing was good. It was tight. - Glad you liked it. Well, I guess it's time to have sex. I have to admit, I'm a little nervous. Let's just start slow. - What's wrong, Stan? - It's weird. I don't feel anything. You must not be doing it right. I've been doing it right sinceJ. V. Football. I don't get this. I danced to Madonna. I drank merlot. How come I don't feel anything? I hate to break it to you, Stan, but I think you're straight. What did you call me? I'm gay, damn it! This is my choice. I wanna be gay. I choose to be gay. Either you are or you're not. It's not a choice. - It's- It's not? - No. Huh, I always thought it was. So why am I in bed with you with my shirt off? Because Greg is a bastard! There, there. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. I have a perfectly good hag in my kitchen. - Want me to get her? - That would be great. Good to have you back, Dad. Apparently, this is where I belong. Damn right. Here they come. Come on. Let's keep this convention pure. Just like you taught me. What is the meaning of this? We are invited guests of the R. N. C. You're invited guests of the devil! Stan! Nancy Calliope has been kicked out of the Langley Conservatives. - What? Why? - We just found out her second car is a Prius. Terrorist! Stan, will you speak on our behalf? And now, representing the Langley Conservatives, Stan Smith. Two, four, six, eight. Gays are bad. God is straight. My fellow Republicans, last night I kissed a man named Terry. Greg, you were on break at the time. And I learned something. We're wrong about gays. I was wrong. And I taught my boy wrong. It turns out that being gay is not a choice. It's true. Believe me. I tried and it didn't work. The Log Cabin delegates trying to get in tonight didn't choose to be gay but they did choose to be Republicans. Even though, as Republicans, we used bashing them as the backbone of our last presidential election, they're still sticking with us. By God, these people love America as much as they love brunch. You know what else is a choice? Being a Democrat. Democrats weren't born Democrats. They chose to be Democrats. I'm not telling you to stop hating. I just want you to hate where hate deserves. Hating gays is hate we could be using on the Democrats. We shouldn't discriminate against gays. We should get more of them to be Republicans. They're supporting the economy by buying high-end appliances and teacup poodles. Do you want manufacturers of super tight T-shirts to go out of business? No! - Would you forsake Socrates, Plato and Grandpa Walton? - No! There's room for everyone. We all belong in the G. O. P. So come on, David Geffen. Get on board, Nathan Lane. Come on, Johnny Depp. - Really? You would've thought with the tiny glasses. So come on, L. A. Sparks. Come on, half the population of Palm Springs. Oh, who are we kidding? Come on, all of Palm Springs. Come on, Anne Heche, you confused son of a bitch. Come under the big tent. The Grand Old Party just got grander. In the words of the founding father of the Republican party, Abraham Lincoln "A house divided against itself cannot stand. " And that house, my friends, will be re-surfaced with an aged lime wash and flipped for a profit! - Dad! - Mmm. This doesn't make me gay, does it, Dad? Only if you get a boner, Son. Only if you get a boner. Bye. Have a beautiful time.