The Cohabitation Formulation


 * (Scene: Howard and Bernadette are in her bed, shortly after having sex)
 * Howard: What’s so funny?
 * Bernadette: Nothing. Just thinking about the noises people make during sex.
 * Howard: I do sometimes get a bit carried away, don’t I?
 * Bernadette: It’s cute. You sound a little like a drunken monkey. Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
 * Howard: You know it’s meant as a compliment.
 * Bernadette: That’s how I take it.
 * Howard: This is perfect. I hope this moment never ends.
 * Bernadette: Me too.
 * Howard: Well, gotta go.
 * Bernadette: Oh! Already? Why don’t you stay over?
 * Howard: Well, I’d love to, but you know my mother needs me in the morning.
 * Bernadette: Please, I think the woman can manage to put a wig on by herself.
 * Howard: It’s not just the wig. It’s pinning her hair up, drawing on her eyebrows. It’s a two-person job.
 * Bernadette: It’s just, when you leave right after we make love, it makes me feel cheap.
 * Howard: Oh, honey, I’m sorry. What can I do?
 * Bernadette: Stay.
 * Howard: Okay. Like, what, another five, ten minutes?
 * Bernadette: Go home.
 * Howard: Your call.
 * Bernadette: Howard, have you ever considered us living together?
 * Howard: Boy, I don’t know. You, me, Ma living under the same roof?
 * Bernadette: No, I mean just you and me. You can move in here, or we can find a place.
 * Howard: I’ve got a better solution.
 * Bernadette: What?
 * Howard: We wait for my mom’s heart to explode from all the salt she eats. Then we just stick her in the ground, flip her mattress and move into the big bedroom.
 * Bernadette: Great.
 * Howard: Look at us planning a future together.


 * (Howard comes home from Bernadette's place. He puts his keys in the door, when he hears his mother shouting.)
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: WHO'S THERE?! ARE YOU A SEX CRIMINAL?!
 * Howard: Sex criminals don't have KEYS, MA!
 * (Howard goes inside.)
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: WHERE WERE YOU SO LATE?!
 * Howard: I WAS OUT WITH BERNADETTE!
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, I WATCH DR. PHIL, AND HOPE TO GOD YOU USED A CONDOM!
 * Howard: I'M NOT HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH YOU, MA!
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: GOD FORBID YOU GET ONE OF THOSE "NEW FANCY" SEX DISEASES!
 * Howard: NOBODY HAS A DISEASE!
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: I HOPE NOT: I SHARE A TOILET WITH YOU, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, TO GIVE YOUR MOTHER HERPES?!
 * Howard: THAT'S IT, I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS..... (Howard storms out of the house and is about to leave.) AND GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR EYEBROWS IN THE MORNING!
 * (Howard starts going, until he checks his pocket and he realizes he forgot something. He goes back inside to get it and his mother starts shouting again.)
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: WHO'S THERE?! ARE YOU A SEX CRIMINAL?!
 * Howard: Still leaving, I just forgot my CLARITIN!


 * Bernadette: Wow.
 * Howard: Wow, indeed.
 * Bernadette: I can’t believe we’re finally living together.
 * Howard: Yeah. You know what would make this moment perfect?
 * Bernadette: What?
 * Howard: A little snack. You got any string cheese?
 * Bernadette: No. I, I might have some cheddar.
 * Howard: Not as good. You can’t make strings with it. Remind me to put it on your shopping list.
 * Bernadette: Okay.
 * Howard: You have hypo-allergenic detergent?
 * Bernadette: No.
 * Howard: Better put it on the list. If you wash my underwear with regular soap, I get little red bumps on my tuchus.
 * Bernadette: Wait a second. I’m doing your laundry?
 * Howard: Well, honey, it’s not gonna do itself. Oh, before I forget, tomorrow morning, you’re driving me to the dentist.
 * Bernadette: I have to take you?
 * Howard: You don’t have to take me. You get to take me.
 * Bernadette: Wait a minute. Are you telling me your mother usually takes you to the dentist?
 * Howard: It’s not weird. There’s lots of kids there with their moms.
 * Bernadette: I can’t believe this.
 * Howard: What? It’s fun. If I have no cavities, afterwards, we go out for a treat.
 * Bernadette: All right, Howard, let’s get something straight right now. I’m not going to be your mother.
 * Howard: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where did that come from?


 * (It is revealed that Bernadette has kicked Howard out of her place and he has come back home to his mother's place with all of his luggage. He is putting his key in the door when his mother starts ranting again.)
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: WHO'S THERE?! IS THAT A SEX CRIMINAL?!
 * Howard: Nobody wants to do that TO YOU, MA!
 * (Howard goes inside.)
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: WHERE WERE YOU?!
 * Howard: DIDN'T YOU READ MY EMAIL?!
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: YOU KNOW, I CAN'T TURN ON THAT FERKAKTA COMPUTER. I LEFT YOU SOME BRISKET ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER!
 * Howard: THANK YOU!
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: REMEMBER TO FLOSS AFTER. WE HAVE THE DENTIST IN THE MORNING!


 * Raj: It’s completely inappropriate for a single woman to entertain a man in private. If you insist on talking, you must do it on the couch! All right, you may talk in the bedroom, but I want this door to remain open! All right, just this once you may close the door. But keep in mind I’ll be right out here monitoring the situation! (Dials phone) Oh, damn it. Leonard, when you get this message; call me. (Dials again) Priya, this is your brother. When you get this, tell Leonard to check his voice mail.


 * Amy: It seems like the appropriate thing to do when one’s best friend finds herself replaced by a smart, beautiful woman.
 * with the smoldering sexuality of a crouched Bengal tiger.
 * Penny: I already told you, I’m okay with it. I mean, if anything, I’m quite pleased (starting to blub) that Leonard has found someone (starting to cry) that makes him so happy.
 * Amy: It's okay; it’s okay.
 * Penny: Thank you.
 * Amy: Now, let’s get these electrodes attached and see what’s going on in that pretty little noggin of yours.
 * Penny: (in tears) Okay.


 * Sheldon: Would you be sleeping over again this evening? Because you’re welcome to.
 * Howard: That’s very nice of you, but I made other plans.
 * Sheldon: Well, just keep in mind that should you ever need a slightly apathetic tertiary friend, I stand at the ready.
 * Priya: Hi, Howard. Hi, Sheldon.
 * Howard: Hey.
 * Sheldon: Hello.
 * Raj: Why are you holding hands? I forbid you to hold hands.
 * Priya: Rajesh, you know Leonard and I spent the night together.
 * Raj: Yeah, but you were just sleeping, because I forboded you to have sex.
 * Leonard: The word is forbade.
 * Raj: Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.
 * Priya: Listen, Rajesh, Leonard and I have decided to see each other again, and you don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t have a relationship with.
 * Sheldon: Actually, he can. The Hindu Code of Manu is very clear in these matters. If a woman’s father is not around, the duty of controlling her base desires falls to the closest male member of her family, in this case, Raj. The code also states that if she disobeys, she will be reborn in the womb of a jackal and tormented by diseases. If true, that seems like an awfully large gamble given that the prize is Leonard.
 * Raj: There it is, Priya. We’re Indian. We believe this stuff.
 * Priya: I think it also says that if you eat beef, you need to live with cows for three months and drink their urine.
 * Raj: Some of it makes sense, some of it’s crazy. My point is, you can’t go out with Leonard.
 * Penny (arriving): Who can’t go out with Leonard?
 * Raj: My sister.
 * Leonard: Penny, this is Raj’s sister, Priya.
 * Priya: It’s very nice to meet you.
 * Penny: Oh, yeah, you, too.
 * Sheldon: Priya, if you’re experiencing any tension or awkwardness, it may stem from the fact that Leonard and Penny used to, if I may quote Howard, do the dance with no pants.
 * Penny: Sheldon!
 * Leonard: Really?
 * Howard: Hey, Bernadette, can I talk to you for a second?
 * Bernadette: Sure.
 * Raj: Penny, you became disenchanted with Leonard as a lover. Would you please tell my sister why?
 * Howard: (He's proud and shifty) Listen, my mom’s going to Palm Springs to visit her sister. That’s two whole nights in a row I can sleep over with you all the way to morning. Unless the desert air dries out her sinuses, in which case I’ll have to schlep out there with the big humidifier.
 * Bernadette: (asking Howard crossly) That’s it? That’s your big solution to all of our problems? If your mom’s nose holds up, we get two nights together?
 * Howard: (he's slightly confused) Isn’t that great?
 * Bernadette: (she is now very cross) No, it’s not great. You need to make a choice. Me or your mother.
 * Howard: (He is even more confused) Oh, uh…
 * Bernadette: (she is still very cross) Wrong answer.
 * (Bernadette starts to walk away, but Howard touches her shoulder)
 * Howard: (he's being assertive with her) No, wait. You didn’t let me finish.
 * Bernadette:​ (she's still a tiny bit impatient) I’m listening.
 * Howard: (mock stammering) Uh…
 * Bernadette: (she groans with violent rage) Agh!
 * (Bernadette finally walks away from Howard in complete fury. The Cheesecake Factory scene now fades to black).