Barry Goldberg's Day Off

Adult Adam: "Ferris Bueller's day off."

The epic '80s teen movie by the epic '80s teen-movie director John Hughes.

Ferris was effortlessly cool, confident, and charismatic, and every teenage boy wanted to be him, especially me and Barry.

Both with TV: You're Abe Froman?

That's right. I'm Abe Froman.

The sausage king of Chicago?

Yeah. That's me.

[Both laugh]

Oh my God! Ferris is so awesome.

One day, I'm gonna eat in a fancy restaurant.

And one day, I'm gonna be able to pull off this beret, just like Ferris.

Never! Only I can pull that off!

Give me mom's beret!

Yep, we constantly fought about which one of us was most like Ferris.

Are you kidding me right now?

In what world are you the Ferris?

Duh... we're both cool, we both date hot ladies, and we both have horrible sisters.

All of that applies to me, too.

Pfft! If anything, you're the sickly, goober best friend, Cameron.

Me?

You're the emotional wreck who wears a hockey Jersey all the time.

That's classic Cameron, dude.

Don't you dare call me the Cameron, Cameron!

I'm Ferris, bro. Deal with it.

Deal with this.

[Toilet flushes]

Aah!

But in reality, I wasn't Ferris.

I was this.

Hey, guys! Want to be in the school's video time capsule?

It'll be a learning tool for future generations.

Yeah, you're a learning tool for all generations.

[Laughter] Good one.

Dude, enough with the camera.

It's creepy and intrusive and weird... just like you.

Thank you for the feedback.

While I knew I was miles from Ferris, Barry lived in a straight-up fantasyland.

'Sup, math club?

Calcu-later!

'Sup, band geeks?

Staying out of treble? [Trouble]

I have no idea who you are.

Hey, lover girl!

How ya been?

Awful. I just got voted onto the homecoming court.

We made it?! Yes!

I'm gonna need a big crown, you know.

'Cause I have a huge head.

Oh, wow. You really, um, misread that badly.

You lost... like, big-time.

Anthony Balsamo won in a landslide.

Wait.

You and your dreamy ex-boyfriend are sharing a float in the parade?

Together?!

That's the most romantic of all modes of transportation!

Chill! We were a disaster when we dated.

We never talked. All we did was make out.

This is not getting better!

Um, you're on the homecoming court?

I thought we agreed it was for stupid, lame losers.

[Scoffs] It's totally for stupid, lame losers.

Then why are you doing it?

I wanted to be a part of it.

Yeah, well, so do I!

But you're not supposed to admit it.

So... are we still sure that I didn't win?

Yes!

Yes.

All right. I'm gonna go help make the float.

So lame... and fun.

[Squeals]

Ugggggh!

This sucks!

I can't compete with Anthony Balsamo.

He's a dreamboat.

Well, if it makes you feel better, you and Lainey lasted way longer than I thought.

Well, I'm gonna be even more dreamboatier than Anthony Balsamo.

I'm gonna be... Ferris Bueller.

It's time I have an epic day off.

Good luck, knob. Mom will catch you in two seconds.

Spoken like Ferris' shockingly unlikable sister, Jennifer Grey.

I want out of this family.

That's literally something Jennifer Grey says.

[Yello's "Oh Yeah" plays] A day off is exactly what I need to get my mojo back.

Life moves pretty fast.

If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

[Music stops] Again, dude, I don't know who you are.

I'm Ferris Bueller!

God! Read a book!

The Goldbergs - 02x14 Barry Goldberg's Day

It was April 27, 1980-something, and my loving smother was walking in on yet another mess she had to clean up.

I was gone for two minutes! What the hell happened in here?

We wanted milkshakes, and we couldn't find the lid to the blender, so we just used Barry's hands.

It did not work.

The lid was right here. You didn't even look for it.

I don't know why I put up with you. I...

Both: "I could have been a lawyer."

My mom used that catchphrase to remind us of the imaginary career she'd given up to raise us.

Shhhh!

Stop folding so loudly! We can't hear the TV!

You know, I did not sign up for this.

I could've been a lawyer!

This is the third time I'm calling you down for dinner!

Stop ignoring your mother!

I could've been a lawyer!

You know I could have been a lawyer?

Don't get fresh.

I've given up everything for you people.

No offense, but being a lawyer's like a whole thing, and you only went to one semester of college.

I don't believe this.

I would like nothing more than to be out there in the workforce with my shoulder-padded power suit and my thermos full of homemade soup...

Maybe chicken noodle or maybe a nice bisque.

Or stew.

Probably stew.

And we're back to cooking again.

Admit it... you complain about doing mom stuff, but you secretly love it.

I'll have you know that Virginia Kremp has been trying to get me to work part time at the flower shop for years, and I think it's time I finally take her up on it.

As of tomorrow, I will officially start my second job.

What's your first job?

Being a mom!

[Chuckling] Unbelievable.

Tomorrow, I am going to work, no matter what happens.

How could this happen?

Murray, feel his hands. They're cold and clammy.

I don't want to get sick.

[Sighs] I'm fine.

I'll get up. [Grunts]

Not a chance, mister. [Whimpers, sighs]

Don't you worry.

Mama's gonna stay right here and nurse you back to health.

No!

I mean... [weakly] No.

Are you seriously buying this bullcrap?

I mean, he told me in school he would do this.

He's faking it, like Ferris Bueller.

Erica?

Is that you?

Please don't be upset with me.

You have your health. Be thankful.

That's literally a line from the movie!

Please just watch the movie. It's all in the movie.

We don't have time to watch movies right now.

Clearly, your brother is very sick and needs his rest.

Now go eat breakfast and get to school. Move!

[Scoffs]

Bevy, it's your first day of work.

I'm not gonna let the moron ruin it.

I'll stay with him, okay?

But he needs constant care.

All you'll do is loaf around in your chair, watch hours of television, and eat whatever you want.

In that moment, my dad realized my mom was right.

This could be his day off, too.

I'm incredibly offended.

Just to prove you wrong, I will stay with Barry all day.

Feel better, but don't stop needing me!

[Groans]

["Oh Yeah" plays]

They bought it.

The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands.

You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over moaning, you lick your palms.

It's a little childish, but, hey...

[Music stops] Stop!

I told you, man... Stop touching my camera!

You're not Ferris!

Now all Barry had to do was outsmart my old man.

Later.

Have fun with your thing, Erica.

That part was beyond easy.

Next, Barry headed over to pops' retirement community to pick up some sweet wheels.

Hey. How you doin'?

Barry Goldberg.

Give me your firebird.

Okay.

Wow.

I...[Chuckles] Didn't expect that.

Okay.

Thing is, is I'm skipping school, and you can't tell anyone.

That may be a little difficult.

I'm taking the day off, too.

What?! You're stealing my thing!

Your thing? I'm the one that needs the day off.

You're a dumb kid! Your problems are meaningless.

It's been brought to my attention that my whole being might not be well-received at school.

Just like Cameron.

Admit it. Admit you're the Cameron.

My leopard vest and boyish charm say otherwise.

That's my look! I'm Ferris!

Enough. I'll be the Camden.

The two of you can be the Fergus.

Does that mean you'll help us?

Normally, I wouldn't let you kids skip school, but let's be honest... You both need a day off.

Well, then, let's hit the road.

["Oh Yeah" plays]

If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.

I did. It's mine.

[Engine turns over, revs]

♪ Bow, bow ♪ ♪ Chik, chika-chika ♪

Do you have a kiss for daddy?

Not now, Barry. I just got a call.

My grandmother passed.

That was me!

I called the school so you could skip.

Wait... so meemaw's not dead?

No!

I assume not.

I don't have eyes on her, but most likely.

Oh, my God. What is wrong with you?

It's what Ferris does, and everyone loves him for it.

Idiot!

Lainey's grandmother helped raise her, and you just told the school that she got flattened by a semi.

Come on. I need my Sloane.

I even got you a distracting white fringe jacket.

I can't leave, okay? It's homecoming.

Plus, I have to call my aunt and tell her that her mother is alive.

[Sighs]

You suck at this.

Shut up!

But he's right. Let's just go home.

No! We got a day off to have, kiddo.

Wait... you're actually encouraging them both to skip school?

Sorry, sweetheart. They need this.

God, I am so sick of everyone bending over backwards for these two losers because they fail at life.

Whatever, Jennifer Grey.

Have fun in school while we live it up.

Fine! You want me to be Jennifer Grey, you'll get her.

But not the awesome one in "Dirty Dancing."

[Engine revs, tires squeal]

♪ Chik, chika-chika ♪

And that was my fringe jacket!

After a bit of a shaky start, Barry's day off was under way. With me at his side, we would take Philly by storm and relive the movie. First up was the museum.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ The moon ♪

Where are the boobs?

Where are the boobs?

Where are the boobs?

Unfortunately, trying to re-create your favorite scene from a movie isn't as easy as you'd think.

Just take my hand!

Stranger danger!

Hey! Come here!

It's from a movie!

Next up was the Phillies, and it was gonna be legendary.

Hey, batter! Hey, batter!

S-wing, batter!

Hey, butter! Hey, butter!

S-weet, butter!

Are you saying "sweet butter"?

Shut up. I don't know sports.

[Bat cracks, crowd cheers]

Foul ball! Look alive, boys!

Yes!

[Crowd booing]

But, unfortunately for us, the day was becoming legendary for all the wrong reasons.

And we weren't the only ones struggling that day.

You okay? You seem blue.

It's just... Barry's sick, and I feel really guilty being here.

Aw, honey. Welcome to being a working mama.

You want to get out of that house, and then when you do, you can't help but feel like you're missing out, right?

Thanks, Ginny. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

[Chuckles]

And here I was, ready to bail and go check on him.

[Both laughing]

Come on.

Oh, Bev.

No, your family will still be there to love you when you get home.

That means a lot.

[Chuckles]

In fact, you've inspired me.

I think I'm gonna take the van and do some deliveries...

Or whatever it is you do with a van.

'Kay. Bye.

Wait! You forgot the flowers!

As my mom was ditching the first day of her new job, we were making a last-ditch effort to get a tiny taste of Ferris Bueller.

[Keys jingle]

Keep it close, pal.

[Classical music playing]

Hello. May I help you?

Yes, my good man.

I am Abe Froman, the cheesesteak King of Philadelphia.

And I am Gabe Froman, the emperor of soft pretzels.

Get out of here! You're terrible!

Take it easy, ferguses.

Maître d': Hmm. I don't see those names on my list.

But that's fine.

We have a beautiful table for you right by the window.

Whoa! Whoa!

You're gonna seat us just like that?

He just said he's the Pretzel Emperor.

That's not even a thing.

Well, we pride ourselves on accommodating all of our guests.

So, if you'll follow me...

No, sir, I will not follow you!

Make it difficult for us to sit.

Yeah! We need to outsmart you with our comedic shenanigans.

I'm sorry. I don't understand what's happening right now.

You're supposed to act snooty and threaten to call the police.

I would never call the police.

Now, if you and the Pretzel Emperor will follow me...

Call the police! I demand it!

Don't call the police.

Call the police!

Don't call the police.

We'll just get our car from valet.

We don't have a valet.

Then you better call the police.

And with one simple toss of the keys...

Keep it close, pal.

Barry was completely robbed of his day off.

[Triumphant music playing]

Unlike the movie, the firebird was never seen again.

[Tires squeal]

Even worse, my mom was flying home to give her sick little schmoopie some tlc.

[Thud]

Beverly: Ow! I hurt my bottom!

But she had promised my dad she wouldn't walk through that front door

[snorts] To go see Barry before the workday was done.

[Snoring]

So instead, she decided to climb the trellis and go through the window.

Oh!

Oh, poop!

Mama's coming, baby.

Oh, it's in my pantyhose! Damn it!

We are definitely overwatering this lawn.

My pedicure!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

How's work going?

[Door closes]

I told you... he's fine.

Something's wrong. He didn't come to the window.

I've got to get up there and put my lips on his forehead.

It's the only way to get an accurate temperature.

You can't stay away, can you?

You're crazy.

If stealing a van and trying to break into my own home so I can snuggle my boy is crazy, then I don't want to be sane.

You stole a van?

No time to explain, mostly 'cause it makes me look bad.

Barry needs me!

Luckily, my brother had followed the movie to a "T" and rigged an elaborate pulley system to a mannequin to fake out my mom.

[Barry snoring]

See? The kid's totally fine.

Really?

But Beverly Goldberg was a lot smarter than the mom in the movie.

[Snoring continues]

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Barry's ditching school.

Wow.

Thank you for telling me nothing of note.

Did you even hear what I said?

Yes, narc. I'm also ditching work.

Are you gonna tattle on me, too?

But I... get back to class, or you're grounded.

What do you mean, the car's already been reported stolen?

The question is, how did you know it was stolen?

I didn't.

I mean, I did, because I reported it, but I didn't really.

I'm gonna go.

No, you're gonna wait for someone to come and question you.

[Knuckles cracking]

[Cracking continues]

Drugs?

Thank you, no. I'm good.

No, I meant are you in here for drugs?

No.

Why are you here?

Drugs.

So, you gonna tell me your story or what?

Fine. You want to know what's wrong?

I know what's wrong. I just want to hear you say it.

In a nutshell, I hate my brothers.

They think my life is so easy, but I have problems, like everyone else.

Like what?

My friend got on the homecoming court, and I didn't go out for it because we both agreed it's stupid.

Well, then, what's the problem?

I don't know.

I guess, deep down, I really wanted to be on it.

Then why didn't you go for it?

If there's one thing I know, being on the Junior royal Court opens a lot of doors.

'Cause it's lame.

And I didn't want people to make fun of me.

But I guess that's what I do.

Instead of taking risks, I just keep my head down.

Maybe that's why Barry bothers me so much.

He's not afraid to look like an idiot.

Well, if you ask me, you ought to spend more time worrying about yourself and less time worrying about your brother.

All right, you're free to go.

It's about time.

Feels like I've been sitting here for 30 [Bleep] years.

♪ Chika-chika, bow, bow ♪

Meanwhile, Barry became so depressed that he'd never be Ferris Bueller, he became catatonic.

Come on. It's not that bad.

We had a great day.

Barry went comatose, we got pelted with garbage on national TV, and someone stole your car.

Enough!

You can't force a perfect day.

You got to just go out and live it the best way you can as you... No one else.

That's exactly what Ferris would say.

Great.

Even our 80-year-old grandfather is cooler than us.

Man. Look at the guy.

I think he blew a microchip.

You okay, kiddo?

Blink if you can hear me.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[Music stops]

Did he just... yep.

I'm coming, schmoopie!

Let my body be your life preserver!

Just like Ferris had been relentlessly tracked down by principal Rooney, Barry had been tracked down by my mom.

[Gasping]

Hold on to my bosom and kick with your legs.

Please! I was about to hit bottom!

Let me breathe air into your lungs.

Gross!

It was official...

Barry's day off was a total failure.

And even worse, my mom ended up grounding him for a month.

♪ When Barry was in Egypt's land ♪ ♪ Let my Barry go ♪

You okay?

I'm dying.

Dude, get up. It's homecoming.

You got to be there for Lainey.

What's the point? I'm grounded.

Maybe Ferris can sneak out, but not me.

Not Cameron.

What if I told you that Ferris isn't even real?

I know. It's just a movie.

That's not what I mean.

There's this theory that he's just a figment of Cameron's imagination.

That would make Cameron the hero and Ferris just the guy he wants to be.

So... even if I'm Cameron, I can still be Ferris?

Exactly.

Why are you cheering me up?

I met a dude who made me take a good look at myself.

Just then, my brother realized Erica was right.

Maybe Barry was Cameron, but that didn't mean he didn't have a little Ferris in him, too.

Come on. Let's go to homecoming.

You said you were grounded.

Hey, I'm Barry Goldberg, and if anyone can outsmart mom, it's me.

Later!

Have fun with your thing, Erica.

Once again, Barry had no problem sneaking past my dad.

Squishy, I know you're grounded, but that doesn't mean mama doesn't love you.

[Gasps]

And for 30 seconds, he had slightly fooled my mom.

[Marching band playing]

[Crowd cheering]

Boyfriend a no-show, huh?

Call me old-fashioned, but a guy who stands you up deserves to get cheated on.

[Chuckles]

[Feedback]

["Twist and Shout" plays]

[Marching band stops]

♪ Oh, shake it up, baby, now ♪

Oh, no.

♪ Twist and shout ♪ ♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on, baby, now ♪ ♪ Come on and work it on out ♪ ♪ Well, work it on out, honey ♪ ♪ You know you look so good ♪

This isn't what I meant, you dope!

♪ You know you got me going now ♪ ♪ Just like I knew... ♪

Even though Barry was making a fool of himself,

[cheers and applause] Something happened he never expected.

Every single person in that audience loved Ferris Bueller, too.

Uh, who is that crazy dude?

That's my boyfriend.

♪ Ahhhhh ♪ ♪ Ahhhhh ♪

He's doing it.

He's actually doing it.

♪ Ahhhhh ♪ ♪ Ahhhhhhhhhh ♪

I'll go get him.

No. Let him go.

Sometimes moms need to know when to take a day off, too.

♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on, baby, now ♪ sing, baby, sing!

That's when my mom realized there was a reason she wasn't a lawyer...

She already had the best job in the world.

As for me, I realized I didn't want to be Ferris Bueller or Cameron or anyone else in the movie.

I wanted to be the guy who sat behind the camera, making it.

I wanted to be John Hughes.

♪ Shake it, shake it, shake it, baby, now ♪

Of course, no one could be, but I might as damn well try.

♪ Ahhhhh ♪ ♪ Ahhhhh ♪ ♪ Ahhhhh ♪ ♪ Ahhhhh ♪ ♪ Ahhhhhhhhhh ♪

[Cheers and applause] Whoo!

That's the thing about the movies we grow up with...

We always wish we could be part of the fantasy.

And for one brief moment, my brother actually was.

You're still here?

[Chuckling] It's over.

Go.

Go home. Get out of here.

I don't get why I'm doing this.

Trust me... this will make you famous one day.

That's it. Go home. Get out of here. You're done. Goodbye!