The Cabin In The Woods


 * [first lines; two office workers are talking by the coffee machine]
 * Hadley: It’s hormonal. I mean, I don’t usually fall back on, you know, how it’s…it’s women’s issues.
 * Sitterson: But child proofed how? I mean, gates and stuff?
 * Hadley: Dude, she did the drawers. We don’t even know if this whole fertility thing’s gonna work, she’s screwing these little locks, I mean you can’t even open the drawers.
 * Sitterson: At all?
 * Hadley: Well, they open like an inch, but then you gotta dig your finger in. I mean, it’s a nightmare.
 * Sitterson: I guess, sooner or later.
 * Hadley: Yeah, well, a lot later! She did the upper cabinets. It’ll be thirty before it can reach ’em, assuming, you know, we have a kid.
 * [Sitterson and Hadley are walking in a huge office complex, Lin interrupts their conversation]
 * Lin: Guys. Guys! Stockholm went south.
 * Sitterson: Seriously? I thought they were looking good.
 * Hadley: We’re cracked.
 * Lin: I haven’t seen the project boards, just going around.
 * Hadley: Well, it’s never been a stable scenario. Everyone knows you can’t trust Swedes.
 * Lin: That means there’s just Japan. Japan and us.
 * Hadley: Well, it’s not the first time it’s comes down to that.
 * Sitterson: Japan has a perfect record.
 * Hadley: We’re number two. We try harder.
 * Lin: But, guys, if we fail…
 * Sitterson: Please! We haven’t had a glitch since 98.
 * Hadley: We know what we’re doing, Lin. We have it written down, somewhere.
 * Lin: You guys better not be messing around in there.
 * [Sitterson and Hadley get into a small electrical buggy]
 * Sitterson: Ooh, does this mean you’re not in the betting pool this year? Big money.
 * Lin: I’m just saying it’s a key scenario.
 * Hadley: No, I heard what you’re saying. In 98 it was Chem department’s fault, right?
 * [looking at Lin]
 * Hadley: Where do you work again? Wait, it’s coming back to me now.
 * [just at that moment they ride off in their buggy leaving Lin behind]
 * [just as they leave Lin and are driving off in their buggy]
 * Hadley: This will be a long weekend if everyone’s that puckered up. So you wanna come over Monday night? I’m gonna pick up some power drill, then we’re gonna hit my cabinets.
 * [Sitterson doesn’t answer as he’s messing around with this coffee cup]
 * Hadley: Are you even listening to me?
 * [at that moment the movie’s title hits the screen ‘The Cabin in the Woods’]
 * [Dana is getting ready in her apartment, she picks up her notebook and looks at a drawing of a man, Jules comes up behind her as she’s looking at the drawing]
 * Jules: Uch! Professor Fuckwad! Why haven’t you stuck that asshole’s picture on the dart board yet?
 * Dana: It’s not that simple.
 * [Dana turns and looks at Jules and notices her hair color]
 * Dana: Oh, my God! Your hair! It’s blond!
 * Jules: Very fabulous, not!
 * Dana: I can’t believe you did it!
 * Jules: But very fabulous, right?
 * [Dana doesn’t answer]
 * Jules: Are you up with the very fabulous? I’m getting insecure about it now.
 * Dana: Oh, God…no, no! It looks awesome. Curt’s gonna lose it.
 * Jules: Oh, Curt’s gonna thank me. And so will you.
 * [Jules rips off the paper with the picture of the professor]
 * Jules: While we’re burning this picture.
 * [she walks off with the picture]
 * Dana: No! I’m not ready. Seriously! This isn’t his fault.
 * [Dana grabs the piece of paper off of Jules]
 * Jules: What’s not his fault? Fucking his student or breaking up with her by email?
 * Dana: I knew what I was getting into.
 * Jules: Oh, please! Do you know what you’re getting into this weekend?
 * [she shows Dana a red bikini]
 * Jules: This! And, if Holden’s as cute as Curt says he is, possibly getting out of it.
 * Dana: That is the last thing that I want. If you guys treat this like a setup, I’m gonna have no fun at all.
 * Jules: I’m not pushing. But we’re packing this! Which means we definitely won’t have room for…
 * [she takes out Dana’s books from her bag]
 * Dana: Oh, what if I get bored?
 * Jules: These’ll help?
 * [she reads the names of the books]
 * Jules: ‘Soviet Economic Structures’! Aftermath of the Co..’! No! We have a lake and a cake! No more learning!
 * [after Curt walks in on the girls as they’re talking about packing for their trip]
 * Curt: Hey, I’m kind of seeing this girl, but you’re way blonder than she is. I was thinking maybe…
 * [he looks down and notices Dana’s books in Jules’ hand]
 * Curt: What is this? What are these? What are you doing with these?
 * Dana: Okay, I get it. I don’t believe this.
 * Curt: No! No! No! Who gave you these? Who taught you about these?
 * Jules: I learned it from you. Okay. I learned it from watching you!
 * [Jules stomps off, Curt laughs and turns to Dana]
 * Curt: Okay, seriously. Professor Bennett, he covers this whole book in his lectures.
 * [he goes over to Dana’s bookcase and takes out a book]
 * Curt: You should read, this. Perofsky, now this is way more interesting. Also Bennett doesn’t know it by heart, so he’ll think you’re insightful. And you have no pants.
 * Dana: Oh!
 * [Curt smiles and walk out of her room as Dana looks down and notices she’s just got no pants on]
 * [as they are getting their luggage into the RV]
 * Holden: Is that pretty much it?
 * Curt: Fucking better be!
 * [turning to Jules as he carries all her bags]
 * Curt: You know it’s just the weekend, not an evacuation.
 * Jules: Trust me when I say that there’s nothing in these cases you won’t be glad I brought.
 * Curt: I’m shuttin’ right up.
 * [as Marty pulls up in his car whilst smoking pot from a huge bong]
 * Curt: What the fuck is wrong with you, bro?
 * Marty: People in this town drive in a very counter intuitive manner. That’s what I have to say.
 * Curt: You wanna spend the weekend in jail? Cause we’d all like to check out my cousin’s country home.
 * Jules: Marty, honey, that’s not okay.
 * Marty: Statistical fact, cops will never pull a real man with a huge bong in his car. Why? They fear this man, they know he sees further than they and will bind them with ancient logics.
 * [referring to Jules newly dyed hair]
 * Marty: Have you gone grey?
 * Curt: Look, you’re not bringing that thing into the van.
 * Marty: What? A giant bong in your father’s van? What, are you stoned?
 * [as they are driving to the cabin]
 * Jules: I hope this is the right road. It doesn’t even show up on the GPS. It is unworthy of global positioning.
 * Marty: That’s the whole point! Get off the grid, right? No cell phone reception, no entrapment cameras. Go some place for one God damn weekend where you can’t globally position my ass. Okay, this is the whole issue…
 * Jules: Is society crumbling, Marty?
 * Marty: No, society is binding. Right? It’s filling in the cracks with concrete. Everything’s filed or reported, logged, right? Chips in our kids heads so they won’t get lost. Society needs to crumble. We’re all just too chicken shit to let it.
 * Jules: Alright, Mr. Rants!
 * Marty: You will come to see things my way.