Boyfriend From 27,000 B.C.

(At the Flynn-Fletcher House)

Narrator: And now, back to "Neanderthal: The Pride of the Paleolithic". The Neanderthals were great makers of tools, as well as skilled hunters. It's also believed that they had a highly advanced language. For example: (The narrator imitates the language of the Neanderthal)

Narrator: ...Is how they may have said "I love you" or "Please take out the trash". But one day, the fateful ice storms came. The Neanderthals blamed each other for being ill-equipped to survive the harsh cold. Many were frozen in glaciers and may be preserved to this very day. We will return to our program after a brief word from our sponsor.

(Song: Sandwich Town jingle)

Turkey on rye or plain bologna meat

Our sandwich guy will make you want to eat

Phineas: Hmm... I wonder if there's a caveman in the Danville Glacier.

Commercial: Come on down to Sandwich Town.

Phineas: Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today! (They come back with sandwiches from Sandwich Town) You know what else we should do today? Go search for a caveman at the Danville Glacier!

Candace: (Trying on different costumes) Oh, I've got to find the perfect outfit to wear to Stacy's costume party. That's it! A disco diva! Nah. A corn dog! Nah. I know! I'll ask Jeremy! (Talking to a photo of Jeremy taped on top of a teddybear) What do you think about my costumes, Jeremy? (As Jeremy) Gee, Candace, I think you look beautiful and everything. Will you be my girlfriend? (Cell phone rings) (As herself) Oh, yes, Jeremy! I will be your girlfriend! (Ringing continues) What? The prom? (At phone) What?!

Jeremy: Uh, Candace?

Candace: (As Jeremy) No-- Uh, just a minute, please. (Clears throat) Hi, Jeremy!

Jeremy: Hey, Candace. Are you going to Stacy's party?

Candace: Yes.

Jeremy: Cool. It's gonna be wicked. I'm going as a caveman. I'll see you there.

Candace: (Giggles) Bye, Jeremy! (She hangs up) Ghee! It's perfect! I'll dress up like a cavewoman, and Jeremy and I will be all matchy, and it'll be like we're on a date! (She laughs excitedly, throwing clothes)

Phineas: Okay, let's go over our checklist.

Lawrence: Well, boys, we're off to the Center for Historically Relevant Botanical Gardens, a virtual treasure trove of topical topiaries.

Linda: I'm sure it'll be riveting. What are you boys doing today?

Phineas: Archaeological dig!

Linda: Okay. Don't touch the flower beds.

Phineas: Wouldn't think of it! Hey, where's Perry?

(Perry sneaks up the drainpipe, and across a telephone wire, dressed as a magpie, and enters his layer via a telephone box)

Major Monogram: (Chuckles) Oh, there you are, Agent P. (Chuckles) Carl, he fell for it! (Chuckles)

(Carl laughs)

Major Monogram: We were just kidding about the whole magpie costume. (Perry rips off beak) Anyway, Doofenshmirtz is up to something. Seek out that wild-eyed miscreant and found out what he's up to.

Carl: Ooh! Tell him to do it dressed as a rabbit!

Major Monogram: Ooh, and Agent P, could– Could you do it dressed as a... Bunny? (He laughs)

Carl: Good one, sir.

Major Monogram: A big pink bunny.

Perry!

Candace: Wait till Jeremy sees how hot I am in my smokin' cave girl outfit. (Her phone ringing and she picks it up) Ooga-booga!

Stacy: Hi, it's Stace. Do you think you could bring a sandwich platter to the party?

Candace: Sure! Ooh, I'll brink roast beef! Jeremy eats roast beef on Phinedays and Saturferbs. (Yelling at Phineas and Ferb who passed by her door) Phineas and Ferb, you're lustin' for a bustin'

Stacy: Candace! Forget your brothers! Remember? Jeremy.

Candace: Right. Jeremy. Sandwiches. True love, your house. Bye!

(At Danville Glacier)

Phineas: Well, Ferb, let's scout around and see what's what. All right, let's see... Jurassic, Cretaceous, Plasticine... Oh, here's Paleolithic, down here on the end.

(Perry enters Doofenshmirtz's layer, and is trapped by a helmet, lifting him off the ground)

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus! Oh, your persistence is insufferable. And by that, I mean completely sufferable. You're just in time, though, to watch me rid the Tri-State Area of one of my biggest pet peeves: People who dress as sandwiches to promote restaurants. (Pictures of said people flash on screen) You see? You see what I mean? What is this? Are you a person or are you a food? For some reason, I don't mind the taco guy so much. Look at his cute little hat. Anyway, the whole thing sickens me to no end, which is why I created the Sandwich Remove-Inator It sucks all sandwich suits up into the air and then shreds them to teensy, weensy pieces. Today I will fly all over the city and strip anyone dressed as a sandwich right down to their skivvies! (He laughs crazily) Ugh... I've become my mother.

(Techno music)

Candace: (Looking into a mirror) Ooh, oh, yeah After Jeremy sees me lookin' so fly

He's gonna wanna be my guy

Uh-huh, uh-huh

(Candace's sell phone rings, Techno music stops)

Candace: Oh, hi, Stacy! Yes, sandwiches. I'm on it!

(In the garage, with a caveman frozen in a block of ice)

Phineas: This will be fantastic! Think of all the practical applications a caveman can have in the modern world. (Pause) Actually, you know, besides politics, I can't think of anything. (Phineas turns on hair dryer, and begins melting the ice) But wait till he says what we've done with the wheel, and fire, and shiny objects.

(The ice cracks) We did it!

Caveman: Me Conk.

Phineas: Me Phineas, he Ferb.

(Ferb waves)

Conk: Conk hungry. Food! (He runs off)

Phineas: Oh no, Conk! That's a carburet... or.

Conk: (Chewing on carburetor)

Phineas: Uh, seriously, Conk, me go to kitchen for food, while you wait here with Ferb. Wow. Not a very sophisticated palate.

Conk: Ahh...

Candace: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, uh-huh, uh-huh

Phineas: Hey, Candace. You think you could spare a sandwich?

Candace: Well, I'm sure I can spare one. I know how men are about their meat. "Argh! Me manly man! Me like meat!"

Phineas: Gee, uh, thanks, sis. Cool outfit, by the way. You should meet our new friend. He's a real Neanderthal.

Candace: I don't care how buff he is. Me, hang out with one of your friends? Puh-leeze. Now run along before I take my sandwich back. And if you even think about trying something funny today, you're gonna get it!

Phineas: Get what?

Candace: It!

Phineas: Well, if "it" is another sandwich, I'll take it now, please.

Doofenshmirtz: At last, my efforts have come to fruition! And nothing can stop me! (Turns on Sandwich Remove-Inator, Sputters) Hmm. (He walks out, and returns with a gas nozzle) I told Vanessa if she takes out the big head, she has to fill it up. (Doofenshmirtz fills the -inator) Ah, yes. All zeroes make it so much easier to balance my check-- Perry the Platypus, are you asleep? (He groans) Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to soliloquize. Where was I? At last-- Well, you remember the rest. (Doofenshmirtz flies out)

(Perry picks the lock on his trap with a coat hanger, and whistles for his rocket car to come pick him up, he then proceeds to chase ofter Doofenshmirtz)

Doo be doo be doo ba

Doo be doo be doo ba

Doo be doo be doo ba

Doo be doo be doo ba

Doo be doo be doo ba

Doo be doo be doo ba

Agent P!

(Ferb watches over Conk as he experiments with what is around him, while Ferb keeps him in check)

Phineas: Hey, guys, good news. I got refreshments!

(Conk eats the sandwich Phineas brought)

Phineas: A little something to wash it down?

(Conk drinks the entire six-pack of soda Phineas handed to him)

Phineas: I guess we'd be hungry, too, if we hadn't eaten in 28,000 years. Come on, Ferb. Let's go wrangle up some snacks for our new pal. (To Conk) You stay put, and we'll be back.

Candace: (Walking by the garage) Happy, happy sandwich man

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm

Conk: Sandwiches! (He follows after Candace)

Phineas: Good news! We got a plethora of sandwiches for ya! (Phineas sees that Conk is no longer there) Um, Conk? Uh oh.

(Candace knocks on the door, and Conk comes up behind her, and eats all the sandwiches)

Candace: Jeremy? Is that you? Wow, great costume! I hardly recognize you.

Stacy: Yay! it's Candace, and...

Candace: And Jeremy!

Stacy: And you guys are all matchy!

Candace: Yeah.

Stacy: Hey, everybody, Candace and Jeremy are here!

Boy dressed as a robot: Jeremy, dude! Sweet costume, bro!

Conk: (Punches him)

Boy: Okay, you're not my bro!

Stacy: Come on, let's dance!

(Stacey turns on some techno music)

Candace: Ooh, I love this song! Dance with me, Jeremy!

(Conk screams and grabs and destroys radio)

Candace: (Fake laugh) Yeah, he really hates techno.

Conk: (Sniffs) Food! (Chewing)

Candace: Hey, Jeremy, isn't this a great party? (Conk grabs her by the waist, and picks her up) Jeremy, you're so primitive. Woo!

(Candace's cellphone rings)

Stacy: Candace...

Candace: Hold that thought. (Picks up phone) Hello?

Jeremy: Hey, Candace. Sorry I'm running late, but I just finished getting ready.

Candace: Yeah, you look amazing! Wait, what?

Jeremy: See ya soon.

Stacy: Who was that?

Candace: J-J-J-J--

Stacy: Huh? I don't know a J-J-J-J.

Candace: But if that was... then who–

Phineas: (As a memory) You should meet our new friend. He's a real Neanderthal. (Neanderthal echoes)

Candace: Ooh, Phineas and Ferb are behind this! (Speed dial) Mom!

Linda: (On the line with Candace) Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay.

Lawrence: So, what is it this time?

Linda: She says they have a real caveman.

Lawrence: Well, you can say what you like about Candace, but there's nothing primitive about her imagination.

Doofenshmirtz: Well, well, well, what do you know? A hapless sandwich man. Prepare to be eaten by the Remove-Inator!

(Remove-Inator sucks sandwich costume and brochures)

Man: Mother of mayonnaise!

Doofenshmirtz: Yes! It is functioning properly! Oh no! Perry the Platy-- Oof!

Candace: I demand you let me go, you-- You-- Friend of Phineas and Ferb!

(Conk drops Candace)

Candace: When my Mom gets here, you're gonna be in big trouble.

Phineas: There you are, Conk. Looky kooky! (Ferb holds up a sandwich platter)

Doofenshmirtz: Oof!

(Perry pulls lever and the sandwich Remove-Inator drops sandwich costume)

Doofenshmirtz: I got you know, Perry the Platy– Oof! (He falls off) Curse you, Perry the Platy– Oof!

Phineas: There you go, Conky. There you go.

(Conk eats sandwiches)

(Perry jumps off and pulls parachute as the Sandwich-Remove-Inator crashes into Danville Glacier)

Agent P!

Doofenshmirtz: (Now in the sandwich costume that fell from his -inator) Ugh... What smells like mustard? Huh? (He screams)

Conk: That big sandwich!

Phineas: Well, I guess we can't compete with a sandwich like that.

(Conk chases after Doofenshmirtz)

Phineas: They say if you love something, let it go.

Ferb: Especially if it's a caveman.

Phineas: Yeah. Especially if it's a caveman.