The Bad Fish Paradigm


 * Leonard: So you see, what you’re eating is not technically yoghurt, because it doesn’t have enough live acidophilus cultures. It’s really just iced milk with carragenin added for thickness.
 * Penny: Oh, that’s very interesting.
 * Leonard: It’s also not pink and has no berries.
 * Penny: Yeah, but it doesn’t really answer my question.
 * Leonard: What was your question again?
 * Penny: Do you want some.
 * Leonard: Oh, right, no, I’m lactose intolerant.
 * Penny: Right.
 * Leonard: So, gas.
 * Penny: Got it.
 * Leonard: Well, good night. (They kiss. Camera cuts away to a wall mounted security cam above the lift. Leonard spots its movement and shuffles Penny away.)
 * Penny: What are you doing?
 * Leonard: There was a draft.
 * Penny: I didn’t feel a draft.
 * Leonard: Why don’t we just go into your….
 * Penny: Oh, yeah, you know what, maybe we should just slow things down a little.
 * Leonard: No, no, I didn’t mean to go into your apartment to… go fast.
 * Penny: No, I know, I… I know what you meant, it’s just… it’s only our first date.
 * Leonard: Yeah, okay, sure, no problem, why don’t we just figure out where we’re going, and when we want to get there, and then rate of speed equals distance over time. Solve for R.
 * Penny: Or we could just wing it.
 * Leonard: That might work too.
 * Penny: Goodnight Leonard.
 * Leonard: Goodnight. (He throws the camera a dirty look.)


 * Raj: He’s coming. Screen saver.
 * Howard: Oh, hey, Leonard, how was your date?
 * Leonard: Bite me. Sheldon, how could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
 * Sheldon: They were clever, Leonard. They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.
 * Howard: You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your relationship with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box.
 * Leonard: What are you talking about, the date went fine.
 * Raj: Dude, she said she wants to slow things down.
 * Leonard: Okay, so, she said she wants to slow things down. It’s like saying “I’m really enjoying this meal, I’m going to slow down and savor it.”
 * Howard: No, it’s like “this fish tastes bad, so I’m going to slow down and spit it out.”
 * Raj: You being the fish.
 * Leonard: I’m not the fish.
 * Howard: Oh really, did you make a second date.
 * Leonard: Well, we sort of decided to wing it.
 * Sheldon: Oh, even I know that’s lame.
 * Leonard: Okay, alright, let’s assume your hypothesis. We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we kissed, where could I have possibly gone wrong.
 * Howard: Think back, Leonard, the littlest things can set women off. Like, hey, the waitress is hot, I bet we could get her to come home with us. Or, how much does your mom weigh, I want to know what I’m getting into.
 * Leonard: I didn’t say anything like that.
 * Howard: Good, ‘cos they don’t work.
 * Raj: They also don’t care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that’s my home run swing.
 * Leonard: Look, everything went fine. I didn’t even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. The woman across the hall is into me.
 * Howard: Let’s go to the tape. Look at her reaction to the goodnight kiss, no change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.
 * Raj: Nice close up, by the way.
 * Sheldon: Interesting, her jaws are clenched, no tongue access, clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans.
 * Leonard: That’s not a bad sign.
 * Sheldon: Please, you might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement.
 * Raj: And the worst sign of all is, you’re here and not there.
 * Leonard: I’m not there because I’m taking things slow. Which, by the way, compared to you guys approaches warp speed. And take down that camera.
 * Raj: He was a lot more fun when he had no hope.
 * Howard: Give him time.
 * [The intro theme to "The Big Bang Theory" starts up]".

Scene: The laundry room. Sheldon is folding shirts.
 * Penny (entering): Hi.
 * Sheldon: Oh, hi Penny. FYI, the hot water is inadequate on machine 2 so colors only, and 4 is still releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle so I’d avoid using that for your delicates.
 * Penny (tipping all her laundry into one machine at once): Thanks.
 * Sheldon: Oh, good Lord. Why don’t you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock?
 * Penny: (asking Sheldon crossly) Sheldon, may I ask you a question?
 * Sheldon: I would prefer that you not, but I won’t go so far as to forbid it.
 * Penny: Alright, I heard yes, so… okay, here’s my question, has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girl.
 * Sheldon: Well I assume you’re not referring to digestive regularity? Because I’ve come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate.
 * Penny: No, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn’t a Brainiac?
 * Sheldon: Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature.
 * Penny: How is that not a Brainiac?
 * Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.
 * Penny: So, do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating he’ll eventually get bored with me.
 * Sheldon: That depends.
 * Penny: On what?
 * Sheldon: Do you have a working knowledge of quantum physics?
 * Penny: No.
 * Sheldon: Do you speak Klingon?
 * Penny: No.
 * Sheldon: Do you know any card tricks?
 * Penny: Okay, okay, you know, I get it, Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress slash actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.
 * Sheldon: Why would you lie about that?
 * Penny: Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school and I didn’t want him to think I was some stupid loser.
 * Sheldon: You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate?
 * Penny: You know, there are a lot of successful people in this country who are community college graduates.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, but you were neither.
 * Penny: Right, okay look, this is between you and me, you cannot tell Leonard any of this.
 * Sheldon: You’re asking me to keep a secret?
 * Penny: Yeah.
 * Sheldon: Well I’m sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can’t impose a secret on an ex post facto basis.
 * Penny: What?
 * Sheldon: Secret keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a Lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It’s a joke. It relies on the homonymic relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.
 * Penny: Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment.
 * Sheldon: Physiologically impossible.
 * Penny: Oh Sheldon, please, look, I’m asking you as a friend.
 * Sheldon: So you’re saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?
 * Penny: Well, yeah.
 * Sheldon: Interesting. See, one more question, and perhaps I should have led with this, when did we become friends?


 * Leonard: (confused) Good day?


 * [The scene at the Cheesecake Factory where Penny tells four customers about a menu offer of 'a fresh-caught Alaska salmon that's served with a teriyaki glaze and sticky rice'. She is about tell them about the 'soup of the day' just as Sheldon suddenly appears behind her].
 * Sheldon (appearing behind her): You must release me from my oath.
 * Penny: (she giggles for a second) Sheldon, I’m working.
 * Sheldon: Why don’t you take a minute to decide (Penny sighs indignantly whilst he leads her away) I can’t keep your secret Penny. I’m going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit.
 * Penny: (she really is cross) Oh, look, why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?
 * Sheldon: I’m constitutionally incapable. (Penny groans angrily) That’s why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider, located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles south east of Travers City, Michigan. Which you did not hear about from me.
 * Penny: (she's even more crosser) Look, just forget I told you about me not graduating from community college. Okay?
 * Sheldon: Forget! You want me to forget? This mind does not forget. I haven’t forgotten a single thing since the day my mother stopped breast feeding me. It was a drizzly Tuesday.
 * Penny: Okay, look, you promised me you would keep my secret so you’re just going to have to figure out a way to do it.


 * Sheldon: Leonard, I'm moving out.

Scene: Howard’s house. The door rings.
 * Howard: Who is it?
 * Voice: Strippergram. (Howard opens door. Outside are Raj and Sheldon.)
 * Raj: Tag. You’re it. (Runs away.)
 * Howard: Shouldn’t you have put him in a brown paper bag and set him on fire?


 * Sheldon: I’ve never slept on an air mattress before. No lumbar support whatsoever.
 * Howard: (grunting angrily) Maybe you’d be happier on a park bench?
 * Sheldon: I don’t see any way to get a park bench in here.
 * Howard: Do you want to switch?
 * Sheldon: No, that’s fine. I’m perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle.
 * Howard: (ordering angrily to Sheldon) Get out of bed, we’re switching.
 * Sheldon: Now, only if you want to.
 * Howard: (he shouts violently) Just get in the bed!
 * Howard’s mother: (shouting offscreen) WHAT'S GOING ON? ARE YOU BOYS ROUGH-HOUSING?
 * Howard: We’re just talking, ma.
 * Howard’s mother: IF YOU DON'T SETTLE DOWN RIGHT NOW, I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU HAVE ANY MORE SLEEPOVERS.
 * Howard: For God’s sake, ma, I’m 27 years old. It’s not even a school night! (To Sheldon) Comfy now?
 * Sheldon: Meh.


 * Sheldon: That poster of Halle Berry’s little unnerving.
 * Howard: So don’t look at it.
 * Sheldon: She’s like my fourth favorite catwoman.
 * Howard: (he snaps at Sheldon firmly) No kidding?
 * Sheldon: Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her.
 * Howard: What about Lee Meriwether?
 * Sheldon: Oh, I forgot about Lee Meriwether.
 * Howard: Well I’m glad that’s settled.
 * Sheldon: That makes Halle Berry my fifth favorite catwoman. There’s Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether…
 * Howard: (shouting at Sheldon with tiredness) Please, I’m begging you, go to sleep.
 * Sheldon: I’m trying, I’m counting catwomen. She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies though.
 * Howard: (he is completely fed up) Oh for God’s sake.
 * Sheldon: But she’s not my favorite of the X-Men, in order that would be Wolverine, Cyclops, oh wait, I forgot Professor X. Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel, the Bea.. No, wait, Nightcrawler.
 * (Howard has now just about had enough of Sheldon's jabbering about his list of X-Men characters)
 * Sheldon: Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman.
 * (Howard finally picks the pillow up and puts it over his angry face for one second when Sheldon says "then Storm, Angel..." in the background. Now comes the scene of the sound of knocking on the door of Apartment 4A where an angry and awake Leonard says "I'm coming".)


 * (The Apartment 4A scene where Leonard had just opened the door)
 * Sheldon: (he falls into the doorway) Hey. (He's rather glad to see Leonard) There he is, there’s my old buddy-bud-bud.
 * Leonard: What’s with him?
 * Howard: Koothrappali dumped him on me, and he couldn’t get to sleep, so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom’s valium in it. But he still wouldn’t shut up, so, tag, you’re it.
 * Sheldon: I’m ba-ack!
 * Leonard: I still don’t know why you left.
 * Sheldon: I can’t tell you.
 * Leonard: Why not.
 * Sheldon: I promised Penny.
 * Leonard: You promised Penny what?
 * Sheldon: That I wouldn’t tell you the secret. Shhhhh!
 * Leonard: What secret. Tell me the secret.
 * Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell Dad.
 * Leonard: Not that secret, the other secret.
 * Sheldon: I’m Batman. Shhhhh!
 * Leonard: Dammit, Sheldon! You said Penny told you a secret, what was the secret.
 * Sheldon: Okay, I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell Leonard.
 * Leonard: I promise.
 * Sheldon: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she is afraid she’s not smart enough for Leonard.
 * Leonard: So it’s nothing I did? It’s her problem?
 * Sheldon: I drank milk that tasted funny.
 * Leonard: Penny thinks I’m too smart for her, that’s ridiculous.
 * Sheldon: I know, most of your work is extremely derivative. Don’t worry, that’s not a secret. Everybody knows.


 * Penny (opening door): Hi.
 * Leonard: Yeah, hi, listen, I know what’s been bothering you about us, and I have the answer.
 * Penny: What are you talking about?
 * Leonard: First I want to say that its not Sheldon’s fault, he tried very hard to keep your secret, if Howard hadn't drugged him he would have taken it to his grave.
 * Penny: He told you?
 * Leonard: Yes, but it's okay. Now that we know what the problem is, there’s a simple solution. (Hands her a brochure.)
 * Penny: Pasadena City College?
 * Leonard: A place for fun, a place for knowledge. See, this man here’s playing hacky sack, and this girl’s going to be a paralegal.
 * Penny: Wow, I get it, because Dr. Leonard Hofstadter can’t date a girl without a fancy college degree.
 * Leonard: Well, it’s really not that fancy, it’s just a city college.
 * Penny: Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you?
 * Leonard: That doesn't matter to me at all.
 * Penny: So, it’s fine with you if I’m not smart.
 * Leonard: Absolutely. (She slams the door in his face.) Okay, this time I know where I went wrong. (Looking up and seeing the camera) Oh, bite me!