A Midsummer Night's Ream

1 1x07 - "A Midsummer Night's Ream" Diamonds still a girl's best friend. Well, if dogs are man's best friend, a dog wearing diamonds would go over pretty well with both genders, eh, Blood Moon? That doesn't even make sense! Neither do we, yet here we are, Storm City's dark avenger - in love with its greatest criminal. - Love? Oh, God. [both grunt] Mm, that's good. Keep up the act in case someone's watching. Saturn, what we did was a mistake a terrible, Pinot Grigio-induced mistake. You weren't saying that when you were screaming my name! I was trying to get you to stop crying. Well, excuse me for feeling safe! Look, it was a one-time, nauseating thing, and now we should go back to hating each other. You look me in my eyes and tell me my body doesn't - haunt your dreams! - You did have a lot of crack hair. I didn't come out here to fight with you. Okay, you are not getting it. - Aah! - That's enough poison to kill an adult orangutan. Don't ask me how I know, because it's a really sad story. You'll need this antidote in the next 12 hours, or you're dead. Either way, I look forward to never seeing you again. Goodbye forever. The dance continues, and what an elegant dance it [gurgling] [theme song playing] [both grunt] You want some Cooch? [gasps] Aah! Don't get mad, get Brad! [laughs] Ross and Rachel just kissed! That's where the show really finds its legs. You have a lot to catch up on when you've been trapped in a time tunnel for 70 years. Oh! You didn't miss much, except for the '60s. You couldn't throw a rock without hitting a coed begging for some free love. Yeah, well, everyone tells me "The Wire" is good. Oh, it is good I hear. Hey, yo, Cooch! [laughs] What are you doing tonight, huh? I was thinking maybe we could hit da club - you know, girls' night. - Tonight's not good, but, uh, maybe we hook up the 12th of Never. - Sound good? See ya! - She got me! [laughs] Cooch? Cooch? Guys, check it out! We got sent a 50% off coupon for MuscleReam. It's like CrossFit, but more physically destructive to your body. A lot of superheroes are doing it. Oh, there's always a catch, Brad. I don't trust coupons. Gypsy food stamps? Me neither. MuscleReam is totally legit. Check out the ad. Do you want to overwhelm your body's capabilities alongside strangers in a hostile environment? Yeah! Do you want to be verbally attacked for running out of breath? Hell yeah! Hi. I'm Johnny Rabdo, purveyor of the regime of ream, MuscleReam! You may be asking, "Why MuscleReam?" Let's ask a satisfied customer. I am Carbonaut, or as everyone used to call me, "that fat guy in tights. " Now I use my washboard abs to scrub panties every night. Smells like ream spirit. So what are you waiting for? Do whatever you ream necessary to get your MuscleReam today! What do you say, guys? Chicks dig chiseled abs. Who cares what stupid chicks dig anyway? - Hey, Saturn. What's up? - What's up?! The level of darkness and despair inside me is up! Sounds like someone has a broken heart again. You do this every time someone dumps you. This time's different! - You dumped her? - No, she poisoned me! Makes me want to toss this antidote down the garbage disposal! [grunts] We need you and your mom's credit card on this team! - Get away from me! [grunts] - Hold him while I give him the sauce. Ah! I I got him! Ah! Get his legs! God, it's like trying to [bleep] a cat! - What?! - Flip him, boys. We're sneaking it through the back. [all grunting] [screams] [cries] Well, that's done. What a goddamn mess. He turns into a monster every time his heart is broken. Back in the war, we'd call them "were-pussies. " - What? - You know, like werewolves, except for brokenhearted pansies. I I might have dreamt it. I was asleep for a long time. [sobs] A warm bath should fix him right up. - Uh, Jewbot, are you okay? - I Uh, look, if you want to check out another guy's dick, I can show you how to be discreet. There's a protocol. Do all men have these sad-looking fingers between their legs? Eh, most of them. It appears I do not. Oh, my. Just give him a day or two. He'll forget all about Blood Moon. [Black Saturn sobs] Blood Moon? [Black Saturn sobs] - [chuckles] That's fun. - Three able-bodied heroes struggling to subdue one total moron. Pathetic. You know what we need? - MuscleReam. - Hm Oh, sweet, little Cooch. Who wants a belly rub? - Easy, Cooch. - [mews] What the hell?! Huh?! Are you crazy or somethin'?! I'm sorry! I just I want us to be friends, BFFs. [laughs] Why won't you let me in? - Because I don't like you! - Why?! Why is "Fallen Skies" still on the air, but "Terra Nova" got canceled? You can't predict this stuff! I need to talk to my girls. Your girls? I do not have a penis. That can only mean one thing. - You're a robot. - I am a woman. I'll be leaning on you both fairly heavily to teach me what that means. Oh, here we go. American Ranger: Blood Moon! [Black Saturn sobs] Should we do something about that, or Welcome to MuscleReam. I'm Johnny Rabdo you know, from TV and I wanna know who's ready to get reamed? We're superheroes. We'll never get reamed with this crap equipment. You think I'm running some kind of Ponzi ream? MuscleReam has a program for all fitness levels, idiot. The Carbonaut did it. I made all his reams come true. [whistles] You could bounce a Susie B. off that ass. So are you punks ready to take your coffee with ream? [laughs] All: We're in! All I ever wanted was the sweet touch of a woman to chase the darkness away. Buck up! You just got to put yourself out there. I'm way out there! I've had this video up on OkCupid for three years, and not one freaking hit! [acoustic guitar playing] Throw it to me, Tom Cruise! Hyah! Oh, hey, I didn't see you there. I'm famous superhero Black Saturn, and I'm just playing a little ultimate with my best friends. Hands up, Matt Damon! Here's a riddle for you ladies. What do Benjamin Franklin and Prosecco Spumante have in common? I have a lot of both, plus this balling-ass jet ski. I'm looking for a woman who can love me for everything I am. [laughs] Sweet toss, 50 cent! I can just call you Fiddy? Thanks, dude. That means a lot. So hit up your boy, B-Sizzle, and I guarantee you'll be in for the ride of your life! Cue Pyro! [explosion] Not one freaking hit. Explain that to me! - I can't. Four stars, man. - Ooh! Maybe you need to be on Plunder. It's the hottest dating app. Smile! [camera clicks] It lets you find all the people within five miles of you that will go long on your dong. Now you just need something to say to them. You sure do know a lot about this stuff for a chick. - Thank you. - Um, he was talking to me. - [laughs] So - Peacocking, eh? Wait till they get a load of me. [upbeat music plays] Black Saturn: Did someone order a beefsteak? Oh, God. Oh, shoot. I just remembered that I have to, um I have to, um It's called peacocking, you Philistine! I guess that's why I quit dental school Okay, then neg your way into her panties. Uh, you have the teeth of a chipmunk, - and that's more like a five-head. - Excuse me? I mean, you look like a wino, and your breath smells like tacos. Wait, wait! Where Oh, come on! These are great negs! And, uh, uh, magic tricks are a good replacement for charm or personality. Huh. [clears throat] Um, anything to add, or I I was actually trying to make my crotch disappear - in your mouth. - Uh, think I'll tap out on that. W Wait! What did I do wrong?! How about some feedback? Girls like guys that are nice and funny. Funny, eh? I need your help. I need the Groaner. [laughs hysterically] These kettlebells are made out of compressed uranium. This treadmill hits 30,000 MPH. And this oh, this is Sandra. Titanium Rex: Hold on. - We fight a gorilla? - Not just any gorilla. We don't let her sleep, we spike her food with angel dust, and every couple hours, we show her the video - of her violent capture. - Wow. Yes. This is a gut-wrenching but very effective ream. All right, all right. Let's do this already. Okay, dawg. It's being brought. We're gonna start with a ream-out I like to call the full-body violation. One, two, three! Let's ream! [hard rock music plays] Lena Dunham: You guys, I get it, but let's just, like, take all our clothes off and go to Brooklyn. Thank you for showing me the ways of the modern, young woman, Lex. This Lena Dunham makes me want to move to New York City and get aggressively okay with my body. Can we please watch "Swamp People"? It appears a large part of the female experience is attracting men. Well, I mean, no. - Not if you're in a good place of - You're goddamn right it is! But how would one attract a mate? Guess we could, uh, take you out and show you dem ropes. Let me check my calendar. Oh, free! [laughs] Always. - Let's go! - I thought you couldn't stand me. Hell, if I leave Jewbot with you, he'll never get laid! [music] Now, let's make this robo-skank sparkle! - Jewbot: Okay. - Cooch: Try this on! - Jewbot: Hit it, girls. - Cooch: Smokin'! Oh, Jewbot, you look stunning. I am no longer Jewbot. You may call me Bernice. Yeah, whatever. Let's get [bleep] up! [dance music playing] Testing, testing. Groaner, do you copy? I'll be with you every step of the way. Just do exactly what I tell you. [helmet beeps] - Oh, hi. What's with the trunk? - It's it's got my props. Whoa, whoa! Easy. She doesn't need to know that yet. I ordered us a couple of beers. Ooh! She just put it on a tee for us. Listen carefully. - Mind if I squeeze your cans? - What? [crunch] Oh. [laughs] You see? Because cans also mean boobs. Groaner: Don't explain the gag! I thought [laughs] Okay. Okay, I've got you crawling. Let's see if baby can walk. I'm not usually this forward, but could I offer you something long, hard, and full of seamen? - Okay - Hey-yo! - I don't know what you were thinking. - Oh. [laughs] I guess that's funny. [laughs] Seamen as in sailors, not my ejaculate. [feedback whine] Groaner: God damn it! Don't explain the [bleep] gag! So, this is what human females call a meat market. What is the protocol for pulling sausage? I like to buy the guy a drink, show him I'm independent. What?! Just get out on the dance floor and start grabbing on dicks! Now, Cooch, I don't want to step on your paws, but I think that's sexual assault. Thanks for the info, Officer Dipshit. Cooch, I get it. You hate me. But tonight is about finding Bernice a date, okay? - She's gonna need all the help she can get. - Man: Excuse me, beautiful. May I have this dance? Yes. Engaging in your human mating rituals would be of great interest to me. Well, that's that's a real boner killer, but let's go. - I need a drink. - Yeah. Come on, American Ranger! Live the American ream! [grunting] # Dream a little ream for me! # - Yeah! - Oh! The American ream is dead. [groans] I'm gonna pass out. There's no "I" in "ream. " [treadmill beeps] Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Whoa! [intense whirring] [growls] Hey, Rex, how's that cage treating ya? This is all you got? Not even close. [electricity crackling] [growls] [screams] Okay, let's go again. I just I made a little [Johnny Rabdo laughs] Sweet reams, Rex. Sweet reams. Well, I'm hitting the club! No one's paying attention to me. Ugh. I'm like three seconds away from grabbing some dick! [slurring] Getting ignored for the new girl! Now you know how I felt when you showed up! Oh. Now Bernice is the new girl. Circle of life, Simba. Hug it out. [gasps] Cooch, you're being nice to me. Must be the seven gin and Baileys. Well, if that helps us be friends, how about I get us seven more? [laughs] Now you're speaking my language! - What did you think I was talking about? - [laughs] Wow. You really are different. Uh, I'm really feeling a connection. [romantic music plays] - Time to lose the training wheels. - What are you doing, Saturn? I've got it from here, clown. Do not lose the training wheels! Repeat, do not [clicking] - Look, Cassandra, this isn't me. - It's not? I'm just a man with a broken heart broken by my previous girlfriend, Blood Moon, who I will now talk about in great detail. So, do you want to go back to my place? [laughs] No way, man. My buddy said, "Look at that ugly robot dressed like a Bulgarian prostitute," and they dared me to dance with you. Guys, you owe me five bucks for totally facing this wildebeest! That man lied about his intentions. Yeah, that's kind of the name of the game. You know, I lie all the time. I'm part balloon, Cooch. See what I did? I'm a good liar. [vomits] Crowd: Oh! Hey, ladies. Anyone want a shot of Bailey's Irish ream? - Hell yeah! - Oh, hey! Whoo! Jesus Christ! And she left me! She left me on that rooftop with a swollen tongue and a broken heart! S Saturn, I I want you to listen to me very carefully. I want you to take two forks, and I want you to put those forks into your dinner rolls. [sobbing] And a one, a two, a one - Okay, I'm done. - She's Oh! She's going! Blood Moon! Waiter, Jager shots! Blood Moon: [laughs] Oh, my God. - Carbonaut, you're so funny. - No [bleep] way! Oh, what the hell, Blood Moon?! - You broke up with me for Carbonaut?! - You and I were never together, but for the sake of time, yes, absolutely. Carbonaut: I think the lady wants you to leave. Aah! Ugh! Dude! Ugh! Get your codpiece out of my face! Ugh! [laughs] I do not wear codpiece. But but but but, dear God, how does he even fit that thing inside your It's not easy [chuckles] but we make it work. Let's go, babe. All this talk about my hog is making me horny. [sobbing, gulping] [romantic music playing] Don't wanna break your heart Oh, no Don't wanna break your heart Uh-uh [groaning] Oh, God, oh, God, yes. Right there, right there. Groaner: Oh, my God! Saturn, come on, man! For the love of God, cut the feed! [Black Saturn yawns] [grunts] The best part of waking up is Saturn in your butt. [clanking] That doesn't sound right. - Good morning. - Oh, God! What the hell?! - Please tell me we didn't - We did. Oh, gross! What was I thinking?! Was I any good? I mean, is this something that could last? Well, I was just experimenting. Wait. Are you going to make this weird? Maybe we just cuddle this out and see what happens. You know, bust a cud. Uh, I think I'm going to go. Right, right, right. No, no. Of course. - I'll get you a taxi. - I live here. - Well, I should probably get some work done. - Yeah, I'm gonna go. I am so sore! I am so hungover Oh! I'm gonna kill that Rabdo fellow, in a few years when I can feel my body again. If anyone say, two grown men wanted to have their way with me, I could do nothing about it. Yes. We're all very sore is the point. - Saturn, where have you been? - Nowhere. Who would I have even been having sex with? How long is a walk of shame supposed to last? Jewbot, what [pained laugh] what the hell happened to your voice? I recently became a female, and after Black Saturn obliterated my HDMI port, I became a woman. - What?! - Saturn boned Jewbot? What? No. No, I didn't. Unless you guys think that's cool. And what kind of trouble did you two get into? Shit, man, I don't even remember after the 30th SoCo and Peps. Both: What, what! [retches] Well, it didn't help that some dude kept buying us shots. [retches] - Guy kept calling it "peaches and ream. " - What?! [door opens, closes] [laughs] What up, brohams and broheims? Johnny Rabdo? What are you doing here? I put that coupon in your mail, knowing that MuscleReam would massacre your bodies. Then, I hit the club and reamed your teammates' livers with copious amounts of alky. I had a plan for these two, but before I could act, they started banging on the dance floor. I'll just come out and admit it, I did not see that coming. Groaner: I saw them both coming. [laughs] That's just funny. Made the whole night worth it for me. Let's see how you do in a fair fight. Bring it on. I'm an expert in all forms of fitness. Deadly downward facing dog! [grunts] Ow! Overhead triceps extension squat stance! Chin to chest bicep dead lift jerk! [grunts] Aah! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. [electricity crackling] Aah! Bernice, no! The League of Freedom makes one hell of a ream. [groans] What do you want, Rabdo? What's your big ream scheme?! Damn it! Quality inquiry, Rex. Let me tell you a little story - about a boy named Johnny Rabdo. - Oh, dear God. All that little boy little J. R. ever wanted was to be a supervillain. - But when that boy - We know it's you! Little Johnny Rabdo tried to join the Injustice Club, - he, aka, "J. R. Jr. " - Just say "I"! was told that squat thrusts weren't a superpower. Well, we'll see if they reconsider after that little boy, little Johnny Rabdo, little J. R., turns the League of Freedom into ream brulÃ©e. And in case you haven't guessed it yet, that little boy was me. - We get it! - See you on the crisp side. [laughs] Well, there's no one screwing this pooch. Brad, Rex, and I can't move, and Cooch and Lex are sleeping it off. Time to make peace with dying in a fire. Why are you so calm, Saturn? Now that I'm in a committed relationship with Bernice, I can die happy. Excuse me? Our bodies made a promise last night. Uh, last night might have meant something different to you than it did to me. W What What are you talking about? Is something wrong, baby? Oh, don't don't do that. It's nothing. Rex, are you thinking what I'm thinking? - Uh no. - Were-pussy. Jewbot, you have to break up with Saturn. But w we'll all be dead in three minutes. Why don't we just spare his feelings? Uh, being a real woman means not stringing a guy along just to avoid hurting his feelings. It sucks, but it's part of being human. Oh, this is brutal. Uh, look, Saturn, I feel like this might be moving too fast. W W What?! - I can't do it. - Our lives depend on it. Saturn, I think we should just be friends. Friends with benefits? Friends that never see or talk to each other. Like a long-distance thing? Like an "I'm breaking up with you" thing. It's not a breakup! It's a break! Oh, you're going to make me do it, aren't you? Leave me alone! Do not call me. Do not talk to me. Do not look at me. Forget that I even exist. I find everything about you repulsive. We. Are. Through. [sobs] [screams] Love the ultimate ream. Oh, shit. [screams] [Johnny Rabdo groaning] [screams hysterically] Ream me up, Scotty. [groans] [Black Saturn sobs] If I had the ability to move my arms right now, I would give you a big hug. You really took one for the ream team. Team, Bernice. I'm afraid Bernice died today, Rex. I'm not ready for human sexuality. I saw things wangs, tears, crack hair. I am no longer Bernice. You may call me Jewbot. Yo, yo, Cooch. [laughs] I'm so happy we bonded last night. - I'm glad we can finally be friends. - What?! Nice try! Bernice is gone, so you're back to being the new girl. Circle of life. Hakuna ma-see ya! Bernice? [Black Saturn sobs] [laughs] Oh, still fun. [groans] Groaner: Finally, someone to talk to. Hey, w what's long, hard, and full of semen? Uh, a a battleship? Oh, I'm afraid I'm all out of battleships. Aah! Somebody get me out of here, man, now! No! In jail, no one can hear you "ream. " Aah! Okay, that was pretty good. [monkey chatters] Man: Stoopid monkey.