Parent Teacher Night

''A bell rings in the skool. In Ms. Bitters' classroom, the words 'The Big Bang' are written on the chalkboard.''

Ms. Bitters: ...And you, Mary: Right where your head is, before the Big Bang, there was NOTHING there!

Mary stares speechlessly from her seat.

Ms. Bitters: And outside, where that squirrel is, there was NOTHING!

''Ms. Bitters points to the window. On the outside there is a barbed wire fence where a squirrel sits, eating an acorn. The squirrel looks inside at the classroom. Zim sits in class, looking extremely bored.''

Ms. Bitters: And under your chairs, NOTHING!

''Zim looks at the clock and sees that class is almost out. It is less than a minute from ending, but the second hand suddenly stops right as it is about to reach the 12.''

Ms. Bitters: And by that tree, where that dog is, nothing.

''Inside the clock, a bug is caught in the gears. Zim grunts, grits his teeth and clings to his desk, waiting for the clock to start moving again. The bug splats inside the clock, sending its innards all over the gears. The gears start running again. The second hand reaches the twelve and the bell rings.''

Zim: Ah, phew.

The students get up and start leaving, except for Dib.

Ms. Bitters: Don't forget that tonight is parent-teacher night. Everyone is required to bring their parents to the cafeteria.

Zim stops in the door way and then turns around and approaches Ms. Bitters.

Zim: I never agreed to attend this parent-teacher night!

Ms. Bitters: Yes, you did.

Zim: No. You lie! You liiiie!!!

Zim flails his arms in scratching motions.

Ms. Bitters: Heh.

''In a phantom-like swoop, Ms. Bitters goes to her desk. She opens a drawer and pulls out a disk which she sticks into a computer on her desk. She grabs the mouse and clicks and the blackboard opens up revealing a view screen. The view screen plays a recording of Zim sitting in class. Zim fiddles with a pencil.''

Ms. Bitters: (on recording) Zim, are you going to bring your parents to parent-teacher night?

Zim balances the pencil on his lip, then removes it so he can give an answer.

Zim: (on recording) Yeah, sure, whatever.

''Zim puts the pencil back on his lips. The recording ends, and the blackboard returns to normal. Zim looks up at a security camera hanging from the ceiling.''

Zim: Why would you tape that?

Dib packs his stuff.

Dib: Putting up a lot of fight for something as simple as parent-teacher night, Zim. I bet he doesn't even know what parents are!

Zim: Of course, I do...

''Zim flashes back to an incubation station on Irk. The station has a large wall that is separated into boxes, and each box has a simplistic face on it which has three slits, one for the mouth and two for the eyes. The faces are blue to match the wall and the features are purple. Suddenly, the features on one face turn green and the eyes swell up into circles while the mouth becomes a smile. A robotic arm with a claw-like hand grips onto the face and twists it. The arm pulls the face forward, revealing that it is the end of a clear tube that holds baby Zim in it. Another robotic arm grabs the other end of the tube for support. The arms crack the tube in half so that all the green liquid and baby Zim fall to the ground. Zim lies unconscious. Another robotic arm approaches baby Zim from behind and then pokes 2 smoking holes in his back and inserts a standard issue Irken backpack where the holes were made. Another robotic arm zaps electricity into Zim until he jolts awake.''

Computerized Voice: Welcome to life, Irken child. Report for duty.

Baby Zim hops up and hugs the metal arm.

Baby Zim: I love you, cold unfeeling robot arm!

''The flashback ends and Zim realizes he is hugging Ms. Bitters. Ms. Bitters growls and slithers out of his grip, making Zim fall to the floor.''

Ms. Bitters: You will be here tonight, Zim. You and your parents!

Zim walks towards the exit.

Dib: Yeah! See you and your parents tonight, Zim!

Zim stops in the doorway.

Zim: Yes. Oh, I will bring my pa-rents. And they shall be the greatest, most parental parents ever!

''An Avon door-to-door saleswoman walks towards Zim's house holding a make-up bag. She pauses to run a hand through her hair and fix her suit. She looks at one of the lawn gnomes and then walks up to the front door. As she walks, the lawn gnome's head turns to follow her. Its eyes turn red. The Avon lady rings the doorbell. Within the walls of the house, two metal arms clamp together in response to the ringing of the doorbell. They spin around, creating volts of electricity. Somewhere else in the house, lights along a wall begin lighting up. A door opens up at the top of that wall and a rectangular attachment to a robotic arm goes into the door, fitting smugly into the compartment. Within the compartment, RoboDad wobbles. A door on the main level of the house interior opens up and RoboDad wheels out along a track to the front door. The front door opens.''

RoboDad: Welcome home, son!

Avon Lady: Um, oh, heh. Is the lady of the house in?

RoboMom rams into the side of the RoboDad.

RoboMom: That's me! I am house lady, brush your teeth!

''GIR in disguise walks by the open door humming a tune. He catches sight of the bag of make-up which says 'take make-up' and stares.''

Avon Lady: Um... (she clears her throat) I'm selling make-up and I just know you'll find something great in-

Mother Decoy: (cutting her off) I said brush your teeth!

''She lifts up a toothbrush and jumps on the Avon lady. Down the block, Zim walks home looking depressed. A thought cloud appears next to him with Dib's head in it.''

Thought-Cloud Dib: I'll see you and your parents tonight, Zim! By the way, it's not called Parent-Teacher Night, it's called Zim doom parent, Zim doom zimmy... doom... night! (Thought-Cloud Dib laughs) Watch out for that puppy.

Zim: Huh?

''Zim grunts as he trips over a motionless puppy. He lands right in front of his yard and hears a strange noise.''

Zim: Huh?

He lifts his head and sees the RoboMom forcefully brushing the teeth of the Avon lady as she screams.

Zim: Ah!

''The Avon lady hits the RoboMom with her bag and runs away. GIR chases after her.''

GIR: No, wait! Come back! I need stuff!

As Zim walks angrily into the house, the RoboParents back up a bit.

RoboDad: Welcome home, son!

RoboDad wheels backwards until he rams into the wall and electricity sparks out from him.

RoboMom: (holding a bag of flour) You want some dinner, sweetheart?

''She pours the flour on Zim's head. Zim wipes the flour off as he walks over to the couch.''

Zim: What am I going to do? I only have a few hours before this... (Zim uses his metal spider leg appendages that come out of his backpack to boost him up to the couch) ...parent teacher thing.

RoboMom repeatedly pokes RoboDad with a wooden spoon.

Zim: The parent decoys aren't ready for that kind of service. Their interactive skills are too limited. Unless... GIR!

''GIR in disguise plops in front of Zim wearing make-up he stole from the Avon lady. Make-up items scatter around him such as lipstick, a compact, and a brush.''

GIR: Yes, sir!

Zim: GIR, we have to program the parents to learn human social behavior if they are to join me for parent teacher night.

GIR: Yes sir, right away!

''Fade into a room with 16 televisions hooked up to many wires coming out of the backs. The RoboParents are strapped to chairs, their eyes are clamped open, and wires are attached to their heads. The televisions are each playing something different.''

TV Voice: Failure to rotate stock destroys merchandise.

TV Voice: You stupid moron!

The televisions continue cutting each other off so it is hard to get complete lines from them.

TV Voice: Do you have any ideas?

GIR in disguise walks over to a TV showing a fence between two houses.

GIR: Ooh! This is my favorite show!

GIR walks over to a different TV showing a clip from an old Warner bros. cartoon.

GIR: Wait, no, this is my favorite show!

GIR walks back to the other TV.

GIR: It's my favorite show!

''GIR's dog ears drop then perk up when the TV shows the fence between two houses, but now a man named Yorgh is walking down the sidewalk in front of it. An x-ray view of his back shows his spine crack.''

Yorgh: Ahhhhh! My spine!

''He spasms on the ground and foam shoots out of his mouth. The word 'Aspirin' appears over the television. Zim shakes his head. The TV next to that one goes from static to the scary monkey show. GIR hugs the TV playing the scary monkey show.''

GIR: I love this show.

Zim: No, GIR! The robot parents must learn proper parenting from this video program!

''Zim holds up a cassette that says 'Proper Earth Parenting.' Zim sticks the video into a VCR and all the TVs start playing the tape. GIR nestles his head up to a wire and falls asleep. Zim starts walking away.''

Zim: Make sure they watch the entire video, GIR. The fate of our mission depends on it!

''A double door slams behind Zim and wakes up GIR. All the televisions display a mom and a dad showing off their son.''

Earth Mother: We sure are proud of our little boy.

Earth Father: We sure are!

''GIR stops the tape with a remote and starts watching normal television. One TV shows a woman standing by a washing machine holding up a pair of pants with grass stains.''

Woman: Are you plagued by grass stains?

Another TV shows a fat man with a burrito and a glass of hot sauce.

Firgile: I like burritos... but they sure don't like me!

The word 'Diarrhea' appears written in blood. Another TV shows a woman with a wild haircut.

Woman: Who does your hair?

Another TV shows the words 'Kung Fu Theatre.'

Announcer: We now return to our movie in progress.

The words 'Poke of Doom' replace 'Kung Fu Theatre.'

Announcer: Poke of Doom!

''Kung fu type noises are heard as we see the camera follow a thick wire that attaches to the chair the decoys are sitting in. A close-up on RoboMom's eye shows blue trails of energy flowing towards the pupil. The sound of the kung fu poking goes on in the background.''

GIR: I love this show.

''Later, in a portion of Zim's lab, the RoboParents stand in a doorway on looking a massive pit. Zim jumps out of the pit and lands in front of them.''

RoboMom: Are you ready dear?

Zim: Yes.

Zim makes a triumphant arm gesture.

RoboDad: Well then we otta be on our way.

Zim: Yes!

RoboMom: We sure are proud of you, son.

RoboDad: We sure arrrrre....

''As RoboDad says 'are' he leans forward. His eyes look off into different directions.''

GIR's Voice: I love this show.

''Parents are seen entering the Skool. Inside, Lizard Boy shows off to Flan by wiggling his tongue around in a water glass held in his mouth. Mr. Elliot walks up to Dib and Gaz who are accompanied by a floating monitor that displays Prof. Membrane on it.''

Mr. Elliot: Hey kids, it's your dad! I never knew he was a floating head!

Dib: No, he's not. My dad's just really busy and he couldn't be here in person. He's transmitting live from his lab across town.

Prof. Membrane holds up a test tube and studies it.

Mr. Elliot: Hey, my dad was like that too, you know I understand. It's nice to meet you, professor.

Mr. Elliot holds out a hand to the floating monitor.

Mr. Elliot: I'm Mr. Elliot, huh, your daughter Gaz's teacher!

Gaz groans.

Prof. Membrane: I'm sorry but I'm very busy right now. We're testing some highly unstable- NOOO! You have the mixture all wrong!

''Light pours on Prof. Membrane. An explosion is heard, and a mushroom cloud can be seen in the window behind Mr. Elliot. Sirens go off and screaming is heard. Prof. Membrane's monitor screen shows static, but then a hazardous warning symbol appears with the words 'Please Stand By.' The mushroom cloud outside is gone, but smoke can be seen rising from a building. Zim stands in the cafeteria doorway with his Parent Decoys behind him. Zim looks unsure, but then he gets confidence to enter. He walks over to where Ms. Bitters is talking to some parents while the Parent Decoys wheel along behind him. Zim clears his throat and Ms. Bitters turns around.''

Zim: These are my parents, I love them with all my heart.

RoboMom twists around and RoboDad sparks electricity.

Zim: I must have punch now!

''Zim scampers away with the RoboParents following behind him. Ms. Bitters turns back to the parents she was talking to.''

Ms. Bitters: When you were my students, I said you'd amount to nothing. And I was right, you're nothing!

''Zim stands by the punch table holding a glass of punch. Dib, Gaz, and Prof. Membrane in his monitor screen approach from behind. Gaz is chewing on something and Dib gets himself a cup of punch.''

Dib: Hello, Zim.

Zim: Dib.

Dib: Dad, there's somebody I want you to meet. This is Zim. You know, the alien.

''Prof. Membrane's floating monitor hovers up closer to Zim. Prof. Membrane rubs his chin.''

Prof. Membrane: And what country is the little green boy from?

Zim's not paying attention.

Zim: Yes, yes, that's fascinating.

''Zim scampers away, but returns and hits the bottom of Dib's cup of punch so that punch goes all over Dib's face. Gaz sniggers.''

''Zim walks over to where the RoboParents are talking to the Slunchy family. As he approaches, the RoboParents writhe around once again. Billy Slunchy looks disgruntled.''

Zim: So, what's goin' on?

Billy Slunchy: My mom won't shut up about me. It's really embarrassing.

Mongo Slunchy: At least she's not showing the pictures.

Mrs. Slunchy: Oh, and you've just gotta see these pictures!

RoboMom just stares blankly as Mrs. Slunchy pulls a bunch of pictures from her wallet.

Mrs. Slunchy: Now here's Billy cryin' when he was kicked off the soccer team for cryin' too much!

''Mrs. Slunchy giggles. Billy Slunchy starts crying.''

RoboMom: Grass stains sure are tough to get out of those soccer uniforms!

RoboDad: Sports aren't everything. I'm sure your boy will find... something he's good at.

Zim looks thoughtfully and puts a hand to his chin.

Ted Slunchy: That's true. (Mrs. Slunchy nods) Hey! Try one of these cookies! My wife made them!

RoboDad: Thanks, Ted!

''RoboDad takes a cookie and eats it, but then grabs his stomach with a look of pain on his face. Mrs. Slunchy nervously squints while Ted Slunchy just looks angry.''

RoboMom: Oh no. Honey, is it-

RoboDad: Yup! Diarrhea!

''Many parents and a few students look in the direction of the RoboParents. Zim's eyes bulge.''

RoboMom: I have just the thing for that!

''She lifts a cup of punch and splashes it in RoboDad's face. He wheels backwards into a wall and sparks shoot out of him. RoboMom turns to face Mrs. Slunchy.''

RoboMom: Who does your hair?

RoboMom starts poking Mrs. Slunchy so hard that it leaves marks.

Mrs. Slunchy: Ow, ow, ow! My head!

''She starts screaming as a crowd forms to watch. Zim looks shocked.''

Zim: Mom, I think we should go home now!

''RoboMom turns around to face Zim. Mrs. Slunchy goes into her husband's arms.''

RoboMom: Don't tell me what to do young man! You go to your room!

''RoboMom picks Zim up and drops him in the bowl of punch. RoboMom wheels away. Zim hops out of the punch bowl, soaking. Dib dumps a cup of punch over Zim's head. Gaz sniggers. Zim is about to say something when he hears his RoboParents causing trouble again and goes running to check it out. RoboDad is charging the wall over and over again, leaving a mark and creating sparks on impact.''

Mr. Elliot: Hey, is your dad feeling well?

Zim: Yes, he's perfectly fine.

''An electric volt runs from tRoboDad's feet to his left arm. His left arm shoots off and flies through the air where it lands right by Mr. Elliot's feet. It wriggles around. Mr. Elliot screams. Dib laughs, but realizes that no one else thinks it's funny.''

Zim: Nothing to worry about! My dad lost his arm in the, uh, the war!

RoboDad: (on his knees) That was my squeezin' arm. They took my squeezing arm! Why my squeezing arm?!

''RoboDad screams. The sound of Mrs. Slunchy's screams is heard again.''

Mongo Slunchy: Quit pokin' my mom's head!

Zim grabs RoboDad by the arm and drags him along over to where RoboMom is poking Mrs. Slunchy again.

Zim: Look, mom, we really have to go! Please. Now, please!

RoboMom: Honey, you're upset!

Zim: Yes! And I want to go home!

RoboMom: I know what'll cheer you up.

''The RoboParents start river dancing. Dib leans back at the punch table, eating a doughnut and sipping punch. Then he springs forward, pointing at the parent decoys.''

Dib: Look everyone, look!

''Some people turn their heads, but most are looking at Mrs. Slunchy. Billy Slunchy is crying.''

Woman: Can't you see this woman is suffering from severe pokie trauma!?!

The RoboParents are still river-dancing.

Zim: Uck, mom, dad. I think I've broken my spine! My spine!

Zim screams and then pants.

RoboMom: Awe, honey. I think it's time we took you home.

''Zim's eyes widen. RoboMom picks him up and holds him in a cradling position. Zim grins, but that grin fades when he realizes the RoboParent's legs are turning into jetpacks. The RoboParents fly away, blasting through the window.''

Dib: Lemme guess. Nobody saw that, right?

''Every single person there is looking away, possibly still crowded around Mrs. Slunchy. Dib throws his punch to the ground.''

Hugh Monstro: Hey!

''The entire crowd turns around. ''

Hugh Monstro: That kid's throwing punch!

A phantom figure slithers through the crowd and materializes in front of Dib as Ms. Bitters, who hisses angrily.