The Bitter Man and the Sea

Previously on Mike & Molly Watch out! After that accident, the one face that's been popping up in my mind is Victoria's. Mike, I'm gonna ask her to marry me. He's gonna propose to Victoria. He's gonna propose? I didn't say anything. You said exactly that! I know, I know, I know! But don't tell anybody. Don't tell anybody. He wants it to be a surprise. You got the ring? What ring? The ring you're gonna use to propose to Victoria with. I changed my mind. That ain't happening. Man. I cannot decide what I want. God, you make me sick. What is going on? Nothing, sweetie. Unfortunately, nothing is going on. Isn't that right, Carl? Victoria, I love you. I mean, I-I really do. And, you know, one day, who knows? You know, but whatever you thought was happening, not gonna happen. Oh, thank goodness. What's that now? Getting my stuff and I'm getting out of here. Go ahead, be a baby. Need help changing your diaper?! Oh, no, don't try and get sexy with me! Uh, yeah. Yeah, about 30 people. Saturday night. Okay, I'll e-mail you my information. Thank you. Who was that? Ah, I've been racking my brains trying to plan me and Molly's anniversary party. Mm-hmm. And then bam! A Dave & Buster's commercial came on like a sign from God. God told you to have an anniversary party at an arcade? And pub. Do you really think Molly's idea of romance involves a plastic cup full of tokens? It's not tokens, it's a credit card that you sw Have you not been there? you're gonna take Molly and your closest friends on a moonlight dinner cruise of Lake Michigan. Okay? There's gonna be some drinking, there's gonna be some dancing, and breathtaking views of the city where you fell in love. Wow. That's good. Yeah. That's where I was gonna take Victoria for our anniversary. Mm, sorry, buddy. I feel for you. Hey, can you fish off that boat? Hey, Molly. Hey, Carl. Didn't think you'd still be here. Mike, I didn't think he'd still be here. Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't realize the game was gonna go this long. Can't you take Victoria around the block a couple times? No, we already took a couple extra hours at the spa. I've got stuff waxed that shouldn't be waxed. Really? Just get him out. All right, hey, uh, Carl, we got to wrap this up, buddy. How 'bout we listen to the rest of the game in the car? What, basketball on the radio? That's just a bunch of squeaky sneakers. You guys, I know Victoria's out on the porch, all right? Just let her in. We're both adults. No, you're not. I suppose this was gonna happen at some point. What are you doing, silly? Oh. Hello. Victoria. Yeah. Uh, we were just going. Oh, you don't have to go anywhere on my account. See? We're fine. Let's just watch the end of this game. And, Victoria, you might want to join us. You like to play games. My favorite game was Dump the Chump, so Okay! Okay, we tried, we failed. Carl, maybe you should go. No, I'm here as a guest of my best friend, all right? And if he wants me to leave, he should just tell me himself. I want you to leave. - No. - Ugh. Why do you always to be such a drama queen? Don't you dare call me that! I don't know what I ever saw in you. You know what, well, I got news for you, lady. You're not the first woman to say that. You're an awful man! And you're a crazy woman! Ugh! Okay! Okay! You get yours, I'll get mine! All right, let's go. Just call him Daddy he'll do whatever you want! I don't want to hear any more! Just get Daddy out of here. La, la-Ba-Dee-da La, la-Ba-Dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love If you don't have plans on Saturday, I thought maybe I could blow your mind. By taking me to Dave & Buster's for our anniversary? Aah! What? They called earlier to confirm. Ah, I forgot to cancel. We're-we're not actually going to Dave & Buster's. Oh, thank God. But I seemed on board though, right? For our anniversary, you, me, and a group of our friends are gonna take a moonlit boat tour of beautiful Lake Michigan with views of the city we fell in love in. Get out of here. No, I will not. Oh, my God. I am blown away. And will you thank whoever gave you that idea? It was Carl. But everything comes with a price. He's singing "Isn't She Lovely" for our first dance. Mike, do you think it's really a good idea to have Carl and Victoria at the same party? Well, not really. But what am I supposed to do, uninvite him? Aw, come on! Well, what are we supposed to do? I mean, the two of them? Plus alcohol? On a boat? Did you not see The Poseidon Adventure? We're gonna be upside down and climbing up a Christmas tree before we know it. He was my best man. She's my sister. Mol, you just don't understand the kind of position you're gonna put me in. I do. It's an awful one. But tell him that we'll do something together, just the three of us. Dave & Buster's? Yeah. Just the two of you. Yeah. Go. Isn't sh Isn't Isn't-isn't she lovely. Hey, don't worry. I'll be ready when we set sail. Yeah. Listen, Carl, um Mm-hmm. You remember when you were picking players for the precinct softball team, and when you didn't pick me, you asked me to take it like a man? Mm-hmm. That was right before you ripped up home plate and threw it at my head. But eventually I understood, 'cause it was good for the team. It was good for you, too. I mean, you may be built like Babe Ruth, but you play like Dr. Ruth. Ha-ha! Dr. Ruth. That's a good one. You can't come to the party. Excuse me, what? Molly and I especially Molly think it's a good idea that you don't go since Victoria's gonna be there. H-Hold on now. If you're talking about what happened yesterday, that was not my fault. Okay, you heard her when she walked in there. "Hello. " I'm supposed to ignore all that? Well, look, I'm sorry. You're out! I can't believe what I'm hearing. I basically introduced you two, made you ask her out, and this whole party is my idea. Without me, there is no Mike and Molly! I know. And I'm asking you, as my best friend, please just let this one go. Is that what you really want? No! But it's what I need you to do. All right. Consider it done. Thank you. You're a good friend. Isn't she lovely Isn't she wonderful Okay, not that it's a competition, but I call Mike's anniversary cruise, and I raise it with this. Ta-da! Oh, my God. It's beautiful! What the hell is it? It's a window into our relationship. I mean, these are the tickets from the first Cubs game we ever saw. This is our wedding invitation. This is an actual page out of Mike's police notebook when he first asked me out. Oh, he's so lucky you're a hoarder. I'm not a hoarder. I'm a romantic with hoarding tendencies. I can't believe you and Mike have been married for three years already. I know. And I can remember our first date. Oh, I was so sick. I got hopped up on liquor and cough syrup, and I threw up all over his car. And he asked you on a second date. That's when I knew I had him. It's hard to find something special like that. But when you do, hold on to it. Yeah. Oh, sweetie. You have so much to offer. Thanks, Mom. Any man would be lucky to have you. Or woman. Now, my friend Janice has a daughter. Very successful pediatrician. At least have coffee. See where it goes. Might as well. Couldn't hurt. Yeah. Ramirez! So glad you could make it. We're upstairs on the Topaz Deck. All right. Open bar? How long have you known me? Long enough to bring my own flask. Attaboy. Hello, Michael! Aw, Nana. Mmm. Hey, thank you so much for coming. I hope you understand why I couldn't invite Carl. Of course I do! This is your night. And we all know what Carl can be like. A grown-up party is no place for a 12-year-old girl. Ah. Congratulations. Thank you. Seriously? A life vest? I'm sorry, I thought we were on a boat. Happy anniversary, Mike. Two tickets to Wicked. Wow, hey, thanks, Harry. Molly's been wanting to see that show. Oh. Sure, Molly. Yeah, I can see it another time. This is a beautiful venue. Yeah. You really went all out. High-class, all the way. It's a cash bar, deal with it. Carl, what the hell are you doing here? You promised me you weren't coming. I did. But time has passed, and things have changed. Who's this? Allow me to introduce you to Stephanie. I pulled her off Craigslist. Hi. Please don't do this. I'm not doing anything but enjoying a moonlit cruise on Lake Michigan. And until we cross into Canadian waters, this is still a free country. You know what's gonna happen when Victoria spots you? Well, I don't know exactly, but for the amount of money I paid on Stephanie, I hope her head explodes. I see the entertainment has arrived. Eight dollars for rum and Coke suddenly seems like a bargain. This is so romantic. You're lucky you got somebody to share this with, Mom. Aw, honey, I know you're disappointed, but you're gonna find somebody. Probably when you least expect it. Look at your mother and me. Who knew a sloppy drunken one-night stand would turn into forever? Not me, that's for sure. I woke up next to this one and thought, "What have I done"" "And who still has a water bed"" Say what you want, but that bed did half the work. Point is, love is tricky. You can't go looking for it. Then how am I gonna find it? You don't. It finds you. Is it here now? It was, till you just asked. Now it's gone again, till you forget about it. Have you not heard a word we've said? This is all very confusing. Exactly. That's love. Three years married. That's right around the time Mike's dad first cheated on me. You sure you don't want to save that story for your toast? Mm. I should've known something was up when he switched to colored underwear. I guess what I'm saying is Mike knows the warning signs, so watch your step. Hey, Ma. Check her underwear to see what color it is. Listen No, you listen. You did it this party is amazing. And the bartender knows I'm the bride, so I keep getting free drinks. Maybe you want to take it easy. We might have to keep our wits about us. Oh, no. Is this some kind of murder-mystery cruise? Mike, you were doing so well. No, Carl's on the boat. What? And he brought a date. What? And I dropped my phone in the toilet, but Carl is the main problem. Well, you got to get him out of here before Victoria sees him. We're in the middle of a lake. What do you want me to do? Push him overboard? There are a lot of boats out there. Somebody's gonna pick him up. Molly. Fine. Give him a flashlight and a whistle. Hey, Harry. Have you seen Victoria? No, I have not. And you're not supposed to be here. Shouldn't you be floating out in the darkness or somewhere, waiting for a ship to hit you? Haven't you hurt enough people today? Charmed. You know something, it might be the three margaritas, but I'm feeling much better. Aw, see? I don't know why they say alcohol's a depressant. It fixes everything. Mm-hmm. Listen, Victoria. We-we may have a bit of a situation. I'm sorry, he wasn't supposed to come. Don't worry, I'll go get rid of the two of them. No, you won't. I'll handle this. Ah, that's my girl. Get her to the ground, put her in a camel clutch. End this quick so we can get back to your sister's nice party. Hey, Carl. I hope you have a wonderful time at the party. See, that's how we Flynn girls do it. Pure class. Jackass. Unbelievable. Ah, best drink ever. Okay, everybody, come on, gather round. It's time for Mike to open his present. Been wanting to get you something that, you know, is from the heart and shows you how much I love you. Aw, thank you, sweetie. All right, it's an old window! I love it. Turn it over. Over. Aw It's stuff from our life together. Yeah, Cubbies tickets. And, oh, there's the "Do Not Disturb" sign from that hotel where we first Okay. Okay, a lot of good memories. You like it? I love it. And I love you. I love you, too. All right. I would like to say a few words. Oh, thanks. Four years, three months and two days ago, I had no idea who the hell I was or where I was going. And one day later, all of that changed. 'Cause I met a girl. And her only flaw was her taste in men. And I thank God for that every day. I hope everyone here is lucky enough to feel the way I feel at least once in their life. Here is to love. Aw Did you have the garlic prawns? No. Good. Uh, as you probably know by now, I did have the garlic prawns. But I sensed this was my moment. Well, I'd hate to catch what he just gave you. Don't worry, uh, I'm very clean. No one has touched me in three years. Well, let's change that. Hey, get off of her, man! Hey, hey, hey, that's enough, Carl. Come here, come here. What is wrong with you? Let go of me, man! Got nothing to do with you. Hey, hey! You happy?! Now, how is this my fault? How is this your fault? Because you made it about you. You're selfish, you're a baby, and you're a crappy friend! Oh, I'm a crappy friend, huh? None of this would have happened if you just invited me, but you didn't. You chose them over me like you always do. Well, Victoria's family. Yeah, I thought I was family. Honestly, I don't know what you are right now. Mike, it's okay. No, it's not. He ruined everything. All our memories are at the bottom of Lake Michigan. Hey, we'll make more, okay? We don't need a bunch of stuff in an old window to prove what we've got. Come on, let the bride get you a drink. So was all that just? Okay, that's what I thought. I haven't seen Carl yet. No, he's apologizing this time, and he'd better have a scone in his hand when he does it. Hey, uh, what do you say this weekend, we go down to that little hotel and see if we can't earn ourselves another "Do Not Disturb" sign? And Dave & Buster's? God, I love you. All right, I'll talk to you later. Okay, love you, bye. Hey, Biggs. Ramirez, what are you doing? Oh, you didn't hear? Carl requested a transfer. He already cleared his locker out. What are you talking about? I'm your new partner. Buckle up, big guy. I've got rules in my squad car.