Brainania

HA HA HA! WA HA HA! HA! WHOO! HA HA HA. OH, BRAIN, YOU LOOK SIMPLY FETCHING! NARF. HA HA HA.

SILENCE, PINKY. THESE ARE THE ONLY GARMENTS I COULD OBTAIN. BESIDES, YOU'RE NO HELEN OF TROY YOURSELF. TONIGHT WE SHALL USE THE POWER OF STATIC ELECTRICITY TO CONQUER THE WORLD. OBSERVE. SEE, PINKY? STATIC WILL ENTRAP THE WORLD IN ITS OWN GARMENTS.

ZORT. GEE, BRAIN. WE LOOK KIND OF GROOVY.

DON'T USE THAT WORD. IT SICKENS ME. TO GENERATE GLOBAL STATIC CLING, WE SHALL CONSTRUCT A MASSIVE CLOTHES DRYER. BEHOLD THE TITANO-CYCLE 4000! WITH THREE SPEEDS AND AUTOMATIC WRINKLE GUARD. IT WILL BE HUGE, PINKY. THE LINT SCREEN ALONE WILL BE A HALF MILE LONG.

OUTSTANDING, BRAIN! NARF.

UNFORTUNATELY, A DRYER OF THIS MAGNITUDE WILL COST $14 BILLION AND 59 CENTS.

I HAVE IT! WE BUILD A HUGE TOOTH AND LEAVE IT UNDER A PILLOW-- A HUGE PILLOW. THEN, FAIRIES WILL BRING US LOTS OF MONEY.

I SUGGEST YOU REFRAIN FROM EATING PAINT CHIPS, PINKY. NOW, GO BUSY YOURSELF. I MUST PONDER A WAY TO RAISE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

RIGHT THEN. I WON'T BE A BOTHER. BRAIN, IF I ATE, WOULD I EXPLODE?

I MUST HAVE PEACE, PINKY. WHY DON'T YOU USE THIS TIME TO ACQUIRE A HOBBY?

YOU MEAN LIKE RESTORING WORLD WAR II AIRCRAFT? ZOOM! BOGEY AT THREE O'CLOCK! WA HA HA!

HERE, PINKY. TRY ORIGAMI, THE JAPANESE ART OF PAPER FOLDING. IT WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH COUNTLESS HOURS OF WHOLESOME FUN.

EGAD! THAT'S ASTOUNDING, BRAIN! THANK YOU, PINKY.

NOW, QUIETLY AMUSE YOURSELF.

OOH. LOOK, BRAIN. I MADE A ROUND BIRD.

YES. GOOD. SPLENDID.

BIRDY BIRDY BIRDY! NARF! [WHAM]

WHAT IS THIS? A BIRD.

A ROUND BIRD.

IT'S A MESS. THE CORRECT WAY TO FOLD-- THAT'S IT! "PRESIDENT SIGNS $30 BILLION AID PACKAGE TO CHAD." PINKY, ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING?

WELL, I THINK SO, BRAIN, BUT PANTYHOSE ARE SO UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE SUMMERTIME.

NO, PINKY. THE MONEY. WE'LL GET IT FROM THE U.S. GOVERNMENT! OOH. FIRST WE ESTABLISH A BOGUS NATION. THEN, WE DUPE THE STATE DEPARTMENT OUT OF A HUGE FOREIGN AID LOAN.

GENIUS, BRAIN! OH, WAIT. NO. WON'T THEY KNOW WE'RE NOT A REAL COUNTRY?

THE AVERAGE AMERICAN'S KNOWLEDGE OF GEOGRAPHY IS PITIFUL.THEY'LL THINK WE'RE PART OF THE FORMER SOVIET UNION OR CANADA. WE'LL CREATE OUR OWN NATION RIGHT HERE ON ISLAND "X." STRATEGICALLY LOCATED BETWEEN KWAJALEIN AND LAMOTREK, ITS REMOTE LOCATION WILL BE PERFECT FOR THE GIANT CLOTHES DRYER.

CAN WE CALL THE COUNTRY PINKYLAND OR MAYBE ERIC?

DON'T VEX ME, PINKY, OR I SHALL TURN ON YOU. NOW COME. A LONG SEA VOYAGE AWAITS US, AND AT ITS END, WE SHALL FOUND A NATION, AND THAT NATION SHALL BE CALLED BRAINANIA!

OOH! PRETTY ROUGH SEA TONIGHT, EH, BRAIN? WA HA HA HA!

I'M ABOUT TO EVACUATE MY LUNCH. LUCKILY, THIS ACCURSED SHIP WILL SOON REACH ISLAND "X."

AHOY, BRAIN. WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF SPAM, BUT THERE'S A BUNCH OF GELATIN IN HERE WITH BITS OF SPAM STUCK TO IT. DO YOU WANT ANY?

[BRAIN GROANS]

RIGHT. I'LL SAVE YOU SOME THEN. ZORT.

[PINKY] AAH

NO, JOCKO. AWAY. AAH THAT WAS NOT MY FIRST CHOICE.

WE HAVEN'T SEEN ANYBODY YET, BRAIN. I GUESS WE'RE ALONE HERE.

EXCELLENT, PINKY. IT'S TIME TO FLESH OUT THE TERRAIN. THAT VOLCANO WILL BE MOUNT BRAIN, THIS CLEARING WILL BE BRAIN FLATS, AND THAT WATER OVER THERE--

[WHIMPERING] OH, VERY WELL. THE FJORD OF PINKY.

ZORT! OH, THANK YOU, BRAIN. THE FJORD OF PINKY!

I AM STERN BUT BENEVOLENT.

FJORD. HA HA HA HA. FJORD!

LET US SALUTE OUR NATIONAL COLORS.

[IMITATING BUGLE]

[BRAIN CLEARS HIS THROAT]

HMM? I MUST DELIVER MY STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS. "PEOPLE OF BRAINANIA, "THE GIANT CLOTHES DRYER THAT I BUILD HERE "WILL MEAN JOBS-- JOBS THAT WILL PAY FOR SCHOOLS."

EXCUSE ME, BRAIN, BUT--

QUIET, PINKY. "SCHOOLS THAT WILL PAY FOR MORE GOVERNMENT WASTE."

POIT.

WHAT?

[PINKY] BIG NATIVES, BRAIN.

THIS IS MOST UNEXPECTED.

AAH!

I'LL ADDRESS THEM IN THE PRIMITIVE ARGOT OF THE SOUTH SEAS. ME NUMBER-ONE FELLA. OTHER FELLA NUMBER 10. CATCHY ALL SAME-SAME. YOU SAVVY?

G'DAY, MATE. ME AND THE BOYS LEARNED THE LINGO FROM AN OLD ISLAND TRADER. LATER ON, WE ATE HIM AND SHRANK HIS BLINKIN' HEAD. WANT TO SEE?

PERHAPS LATER.

ANYWAY, YOU CAN CALL ME ALAN. EVERYONE DOES.

HELLO, ALAN.

UM, I WOULD BE PINKY. AND THIS IS PRIME MINISTER BRAIN WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THIS ISLAND AND EVERYTHING YOU SEE.

NARF.

HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT, MATE? THIS ISLAND BELONGS TO OUR GREAT VOLCANO GOD WANGANUI. WHAT PROTECTS US FROM EVIL AND HARM AND WHAT-ALL-ELSE. YOU'RE CLAIMING TO BE GREATER THAN OUR VOLCANO GOD, AND THAT DON'T SET WELL WITH US.

M-M-MY FRIEND AND I HAVE BEEN SENT BY YOUR VOLCANO GOD. HE HAS GIVEN US MAGICAL POWERS. BEHOLD. I CAN CREATE FIRE FROM A LITTLE BOX.

SO WHAT?

BIG DEAL.

LET'S EAT 'EM.

I CAN STEAL YOUR SOULS AND PUT THEM IN THIS GLASS.

SO WHAT?

BIG DEAL.

LET'S EAT 'EM.

I CAN MAKE BUBBLES WITH MY SPIT.

[GASP]

[GASP]

NOW, DO YOU BELIEVE WE WERE SENT BY YOUR GOD?

NO. THAT'S JUST REALLY COOL! I'M SURE WANGANUI WHAT PROTECTS US FROM EVIL--

NOT NOW.

WOULD APPROVE OF YOU. WE'RE YOUR FOLLOWERS, MATE.

EXCELLENT. STOP THAT, PINKY. YOU CAN AID US IN BUILDING OUR COUNTRY'S MOST IMPORTANT INSTITUTIONS-- AN AIRPORT, A KENO PARLOR, AND AN OVERPRICED GIFT SHOP.

WE'RE GOING TO BUILD BRAINANIA! WE'RE GOING TO BUILD BRAINANIA! AH, ISN'T IT PRETTY, BRAIN?

SAVE YOUR ADORATIONAL MUSINGS, PINKY. WASHINGTON AND THE WORLD AWAIT!

[PINKY] I'M MAKING A BIRDY! OOF! LATER.

NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY, PINKY. FROM NOW ON, I AM THE MOST EXALTED NED LIMPOPO, PRIME MINISTER OF BRAINANIA. YOU ARE HASSAN LEMBECK, THE MINISTER OF FINANCE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

UM, NO, BRAIN. I DON'T THINK I DO. FJORD!

I'LL HANDLE ALL MATTERS OF PROTOCOL. YOU CARRY THE DIPLOMATIC POUCH. REMEMBER, IT'S GENUINE LEATHER, SO KEEP IT DRY.

OH, RIGHT, BRAIN. I GOT IT.

WE'LL OBTAIN THE LOAN AND BE GONE BEFORE ANYONE IS THE WISER. THIS SHOULD BE LIKE MISAPPROPRIATING MILK DUDS FROM AN INFANT.

WELL, AREN'T YOU THE TINIEST FOREIGNERS I'VE HAD IN HERE ALL MORNING! I'M MRS. APPLEBEE. CAN I HELP YOU?

YES. WE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE RELATIONS WITH YOU AND STEAL SOME MILK DUDS.

GRR! WE WISH TO ESTABLISH DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS WITH THE U.S. I AM THE PRIME MINISTER OF BRAINANIA, AND THIS IS MY MINISTER OF FINANCE.

BRAINANIA? OH, YES, I REMEMBER. YOU USED TO BE A SUBURB OF PRAGUE. CAN YOU PROVE YOU'RE A NATION?

YES. WE HAVE POSTCARDS. THAT'S THE FJORD OF PINKY.

FJORD!

YOU FOREIGN FOLKS SURE HAVE YOUR OWN QUEER LITTLE WAYS. THIS GIVES YOU RELATIONS WITH THE U. S. AND A COMPLIMENTARY FOOTBALL PHONE. CONGRATS!

THANK YOU.

NOW, WE'D ALSO LIKE SOME BIG, FAT FOREIGN AID.

OH. WELL, THAT WOULD BE MR. FONTAIN BISQUE. YOU'LL FIND HIM DOWN THAT HALL. HE'S NASTY.

[WOMAN] MR. BISQUE, THE PRIME MINSTER OF BRAINANIA IS HERE TO SEE YOU.

GREAT! MORE MOOCHERS! SEND HIM IN. BRAINANIABRAINANIA MR. BISQUE. I AM THE MOST EXALTED NED LIMPOPO, PRIME MINISTER AND RULER OF BRAINANIA. THIS IS HASSAN LEMBECK, MY MINISTER OF FINANCE. WE WOULD LIKE A GREAT, BIG SACK OF MONEY PLEASE. BRAINANIA? OH, YES. YOU--YOU USED TO BE A DUTCH COLONY IN SOUTH AMERICA. WHAT DO YOU WANT A LOAN FOR? I INTEND TO BUILD A TITANIC CLOTHES DRYER AND CONQUER THE WORLD. OH, PLEASE STOP. NEXT YOU'LL BE SAYING, "WHAT A COUNTRY. " HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU WANT? $14 BILLION AND 59 CENTS, AND WE'D PREFER IT IN U. S. CURRENCY. YOU SEE, OUR ONLY MONEY IS THE QUEEB, AN ASPHALT COIN WEIGHING OVER 30 POUNDS. ALL BRAINANIA HAS RIPPED POCKETS. SORRY. NO LOAN. THERE'S NOTHING HERE TO INDICATE FINANCIAL TROUBLE. IN FACT, YOU HAVE NO CREDIT RATING AT ALL. NOW GO AWAY. HE CAN NO DOUBT BE PRESSURED BY A SUBTLE THREAT. IN REFUSING OUR LOAN, YOU COULD HARM DELICATE NEGOTIATIONS BETWEEN BRAINANIA AND THE U. S. OH, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT. UM, WE'RE GOING TO INVADE YOUR LAND, GO BOOM BOOM BOOM, AND MAKE YOU OUR PATHETIC SLAVES. INVADE? HELP! BRAINANIA HAS DECLARED WAR! EVERYONE TO ARMS! PINKY, YOU'VE JUST CREATED AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT. THANK YOU, BRAIN. NARF! QUICKLY, LET US-- IN THE WORDS OF THE IMMORTAL YOGI BERRA, IT'S DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN. THIS IS PUNCHLINE. GOOD EVENING. I'M FRED FLOPPEL. THE CRISIS CONTINUES BETWEEN THE U. S. AND BRAINANIA. IS THERE AN ELEVENTH-HOUR CHANCE FOR PEACE? TO FIND OUT, WE HAVE THE BRAINANIAN MINISTER OF FINANCE, HASSAN LEMBECK. [PINKY] NARF. AND THE MOST EXALTED NED LIMPOPO, PRIME MINISTER AND RULER OF BRAINANIA. [BRAIN] THANK YOU, FRED. GOOD EVENING. PERHAPS YOU GENTLEMEN WOULD CARE TO CLIMB UP ON THE DESK. MR. PRIME MINISTER, YOU CLAIM THAT THE STATE DEPARTMENT INSULTED YOUR COUNTRY BY REFUSING FOREIGN AID. IS THIS WORTH A CONFLICT? QUITE FRANKLY, FRED, WE'VE GONE TO WAR OVER A LOT LESS. STILL, NO ONE WANTS PEACE MORE THAN BRAINANIA. WE ARE LOVERS OF PEACE. OH, YES. I LOVE PEACE VERY MUCH. IT'S GOOEY IN A GOOD WAY. NEVERTHELESS, WE WILL NOT BE BULLIED. LET THE U. S. BEWARE. WE FOUGHT THE ISLAND OF YAP TO A SAVAGE DRAW. MY MOTHER WAS THERE. OH, YEAH. SHE GOT HIT ON THE HEAD BY A CANOE PADDLE. FJORD! MY PEOPLE STILL SING OF THIS AROUND THEIR LITTLE CAMPFIRES. REALLY? WOULD YOU SING A LITTLE OF IT FOR US NOW? UH, YES SPEARS IN HAND, WE SAIL FOR YAP WE WILL WIPE THEM OFF THE FRONT PORCH * BRAINANIA, YOU NATION OF FOLKS * * HERE COMES A GUY SELLING WATERY COKES * * WE WILL FIGHT AND NEVER QUIT * * FIND ME A ROOFTOP, AND I WILL SPIT ** NARF. WE WILL FIGHT AND NEVER QUIT. FIND ME A ROOFTOP, AND I WILL SPIT. NARF. AND SO THE BRAINANIA DAVID SPAT DEFIANCE AT THE GOLIATH UNITED STATES. WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT, GENTLEMEN. THEY WON'T BACK DOWN, AND NEITHER WILL WE. AS YOU SEE, ALL UNITS ARE DEPLOYED AND READY TO GO. [MAN] GENERAL ODIN. WHERE IS BRAINANIA? IT'S UP HERE ON THE BIG BOARD. UH, WHERE EXACTLY, SIR? WE'RE READY TO GO AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE. [TELEPHONE RINGS] YES, MR. SECRETARY. FOR THE LAST TIME, GENERAL, WHERE IS BRAINANIA? WELL, IT'S, UH, ON THE BIG BOARD. WE'RE WAY DOWN IN THE POLLS. WE NEED A FAST, EASY WAR. SIR, BRAINANIA ISN'T ON THE MAP, OUR SATELLITES CAN'T FIND IT, AND IT'S LISTED INANY BACK ISSUES OF NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC. SADLY, WE CAN'T GO TO WAR WITH A COUNTRY WE CAN'T FIND. WUSS. EDWARD BURROW HERE LIVE AS THE BRAINANIAN MOTORCADE HEADS FOR THE WHITE HOUSE TO SIGN AN HISTORIC PEACE AND FRIENDSHIP TREATY. LAST-SECOND DIPLOMACY HAS AVERTED A WAR, A GRATEFUL AMERICA TURNS OUT TO THANK BRAINANIA FOR-- [CLICK] OUR BLUFF WAS SUCCESSFUL, PINKY. IN A FEW SHORT HOURS, WE SHALL HAVE OUR FOREIGN AID LOAN AND THEN THE WORLD! BIRDY BIRDY BIRDY! NARF. I SENSE THAT MUCH OF THIS HISTORIC MOMENT IS ESCAPING YOU. [HAIL TO THE CHIEF PLAYING] MR. PRESIDENT, MAY I PRESENT THE MOST EXALTED NED LIMPOPO, THE PRIME MINISTER AND RULER OF BRAINANIA, AND HIS MINISTER OF FINANCE, HASSAN LEMBECK. ME NUMBER ONE FELLA. OTHER FELLA'S NUMBER 10. CATCHY ALL SAME-SAME. YOU SAVVY? HEY. SURE YOU DO. ALL BRAINANIA EVER WANTED FROM THE U. S. WAS FRIENDSHIP FRIENDSHIP AND $14 BILLION AND 59 CENTS. THE FRIENDSHIP I WILL TREASURE. THE MONEY I WILL SPEND ON POLO PONIES AND CRUISE MISSILES. THANK YOU. [APPLAUSE] NOT TO SOUND UNGRACIOUS, BUT PRESSING STATE BUSINESS AWAITS ME IN BRAINANIA. CERTAINLY, MR. PRIME MINISTER. HOWEVER, BEFORE WE GRANT YOU THE LOAN, THERE'S A SMALL FAVOR WE'D LIKE TO ASK. PERHAPS YOUR MINISTER OF FINANCE WILL WANT TO HEAR THIS. HE'S, UH PRAYING. OF COURSE. NOW, THEN, WE WERE WONDERING IF BRAINANIA WOULD MIND STORING OUR NUCLEAR WASTE. YEAH. WE'RE KIND OF OUT OF ROOM RIGHT NOW. REACTOR CORE CONTROL RODS OR RESINS AND FILTERS? ACTUALLY, IT'S CORE FUEL. STRONTIUM 90 OR URANIUM 238? URANIUM 238. WE USE IT BECAUSE IT SPLINTERS EASILY WHEN STRUCK BY A FREE NEUTRON. HMM. WE'LL TAKE 4 TONS, PROVIDED YOU SUPPLY BURLOYEN-LINED METZGER TANKS. DONE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ALL ARE TALKING ABOUT, BUT, WHOOEE, IT SURE SOUNDS SMART. HERE. YOU BETTER NOT LOSE IT, BUSTER. I JUST ERASED YOUR RECORDS. YOU WON'T GET ANOTHER CHECK FROM ME. ONE SHOULD BE ENOUGH. THANKS AND FAREWELL, YOU NIGGLING BUREAUCRAT. WHAT DID YOU CALL ME? THE HAPLESS FOOL. WE'LL SEE HOW HE RAGES AFTER HE'S BEEN IN OUR CLOTHES DRYER AND HIS VERY GARMENTS IMPRISON HIM LIKE A MUMMY. THEN WE CAN PUT TICKLY THINGS IN HIS NOSE. ZORT. LET'S NOT BE VINDICTIVE, PINKY. I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT, PINKY. WE'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE. THE ENTIRE ISLAND IS DESERTED. MAYBE ALAN WENT TO THE STORE. PROBABLY TO EAT A CLERK. [ALAN] G'DAY, MATE. ME AND THE BOYS HAVE BUGGED OUT BECAUSE WANGANUI-- WHAT PROTECTS US FROM EVIL AND-- NOT NOW-- IS BLINKIN' MAD. BEST OF LUCK AND ALL THAT. ALAN. NOW I GET IT! HA HA HA! TO EAT A CLERK! HA HA HA! FJORD! QUIET, PINKY. WITHOUT ALAN AND THE OTHERS, WE MUST CLEAR THE JUNGLE OURSELVES, BUY THE PARTS, BUILD THE DRYER-- DRAT! WE'VE LOST OUR WORK FORCE. WELL, AT LEAST WE'VE STILL GOT BRAINANIA. [RUMBLING] I SENSE LIFE HAS TAKEN ANOTHER SARDONIC TWIST. WHOA AAH AAH THE SEA, PINKY. WE'RE ALMOST TO SAFETY. WE MUST GET AWAY FROM THE COASTLINE IN THE EVENT OF A TIDAL WAVE, BRAIN? SEISMIC WAVE OR TSUNAMI. EITHER WOULD BE CORRECT. FJORD! WE ARE ACCURSED OF MICE. AAH WHOO HOO HOO! THAT WAS FUN, EH, BRAIN? KABLASH! WA HA HA! DON'T YOU HAVE A HOBBY? OH. RIGHT. YES, I DO. MOTHER NATURE HAS SLAMMED HER UNMERCIFUL FIST ON OUR FAIR ISLE, PINKY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? BIRDY BIRDY BIRDY! NARF! HA HA HA! BLAST IT, PINKY. I SAID, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? UM, IT MEANS YOU JUST TORE UP OUR FOREIGN AID CHECK? I FEEL WEAK AND SHEEPISH. UNH. START PADDLING, PINKY. WE MUST REACH THE LAB BEFORE TOMORROW NIGHT. WHY? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TOMORROW NIGHT, BRAIN. SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY-- TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! THEY'RE DINKY THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN