The Helium Insufficiency


 * Sheldon: Your face is pleasingly symmetrical.


 * Barry: Be honest. If the shoe were on the other foot would you do this for me?
 * Sheldon/Leonard: Not a chance/Of course.


 * (The scene of Bernadette and Penny with mugs of coffee in the Wolowitz sitting room)
 * Bernadette: Hey, you know who went out on a date the other night? Stuart.
 * Penny: Oh, good for him.
 * Bernadette: (she grumbles) I thought so too.
 * Penny: So is she like homeless or framing him for a crime?
 * Bernadette: (she explains to Penny crossly) He's using some kind of dating app on his phone.
 * Penny: Oh, which one? Maybe we can get Amy to try it.
 * Bernadette: (she is unamused) I don't know. (she calls for Stuart crossly) Stuart, can you come in here? (she speaks a plan to Penny crossly) He tried to explain it to me. It shows you pictures of people nearby, you swipe them around, it looks kind of like a game.
 * Penny: Oh, and if you lose the game, you have to go out with Stuart.
 * (Bernadette giggles at the meanest thing that Penny has said. Stuart now enters the sitting room)
 * Stuart: What's up?
 * Bernadette: Can you show us that dating app?
 * Stuart: Oh, yeah, sure. This thing has changed my life.
 * Penny: Wow. So how many girls have you met?
 * Stuart: Two. I probably don't need to mention there's an entire number between that and zero.
 * Penny: Well, so how does it work?
 * Stuart: Uh, well, it-it shows me all the single women in a five-mile radius who are using the app. If I like the way they look, I hit “thumbs up.” If I don't, “thumbs down.”
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Stuart crossly) Oh, what would make you give a girl a thumbs down?
 * Stuart: First time it happens I will let you know.


 * Leonard: If I may quote Einstein: The pursuit of science calls us to ignore the rules set by man.


 * Amy: I'm not sure how I feel about this.
 * Penny: Oh, come on, just let him put the app on your phone.
 * Bernadette: Yeah, Stuart got two dates with it.
 * Stuart: One of which would've ended in s*x had she not said no. Okay, all set.
 * Penny: Okay, let me see. (clears her throat) Nope, nope, nope... Oh, he's cute!
 * Bernadette: (she obviously isn't very happy) Doesn't a teardrop tattoo mean he murdered someone?
 * Penny: And he's sad about it.
 * (Bernadette and Stuart think to themselves. Enter Raj and Howard)
 * Howard: Hey.
 * Raj: Hello.
 * Penny: Hey.
 * Bernadette: Hey, I thought you were gonna be out late?
 * Howard: If you wanted me to stay out later, you should've given me more spending money.
 * Raj: What are you guys up to?
 * Bernadette: We put Amy on a dating app, (scene of the grumpy Amy) and we're seeing what's out there.
 * Raj: Oh, fun! Let me see. Uh, no... no, uh, definitely not.
 * Howard: What was wrong with that guy?
 * Raj: Uh, he's Indian. We've already got one of those.
 * (Scene of the Wolowitz' living room.)
 * Raj: Ooh, we should find a nice Latino. It really round us out.
 * Howard: (snatching the phone) Hey, I want to try.
 * Amy: Uh, excuse me. Can I have my phone back?.
 * Howard: Hang on, I’m trying to find the next great love of your life. The man who will father your children. Okay, yes or no on white guy with dreadlocks?
 * (Stuart, Bernadette, Raj, Penny and Howard all clamor at once whilst Amy gets more indignant)


 * Leonard: That must be him.
 * Sheldon: Of course. A nondescript white panel van. . You may familiar with it in the sentence: They found the bodies in a nondescript white panel van.


 * Ken: It seems were at a, uh, stalemate.
 * Sheldon: Not technically. In chess a stalemate refers to a situation in which there are no remaining moves. Uh, you have plenty of moves available to you. You could beat us up and steal our money. You could kill us, you know. Really you’re only limited by your imagination.
 * Ken: Huh, all these years I’ve been using stalemate when I really mean impasse. I feel foolish.
 * Leonard: I don’t think it matters if this is a stalemate or an impasse or a Mexican standoff. What are we gonna do here?
 * Ken: Oh, whoa, whoa? How can it be a Mexican standoff? Everyone knows you need three sides for that.
 * Sheldon: Not necessarily. Many argue the essence of a Mexican standoff is that no one can walk away from the conflict without incurring harm.
 * Ken: Hmm, I don’t follow.
 * Sheldon: Let me give you an example. Earlier today I decoded the headers on your email and I know that your name is Kenneth Fitzgerald. From that I figured out where you live and where you worked. Now to make this a Mexican standoff I would say something like: You give us that helium or I'll turn you in to the authorities.
 * Ken: Is that a threat?
 * Sheldon: Yeah, exactly. See, you’re getting it.
 * Ken: yeah, well, I know where you work. All right? And if you mess with me I’ll report you and then pound you into the ground.
 * Sheldon: Perfect. Now we really are in a Mexican standoff. Is this one of those times where I won the battle, but we lost the war?


 * (The scene in the Wolowitz sitting room where Bernadette, Howard, Penny and Raj are on the couch together eating popcorn. Amy and Stuart are on separate chairs. Penny has Amy's phone in her hands)
 * Penny: Okay, here we go. Now everyone can see. (Amy still frowns) All right. (Penny clears her throat) Where do we stand on cross-eyed Mike?
 * Raj: You know he won't be looking at other girls.
 * Howard: Unless they're sitting on the end of his nose.
 * Penny: Okay, okay, okay. Thumbs down. Next.
 * Bernadette: Ew! check out his tiny eye teeth. He looks like a man-dolphin.
 * Penny: Wait, if he’s good in bed, she can throw him a fish.
 * Howard: (Squeaking) I love you, Amy.
 * (squeaking)
 * Amy: Okay, I'm starting to feel guilty. Aren't we being a little mean?
 * Raj: That's a fair point. We wouldn't make fun of someone like this to their face.
 * Penny: (popping her eyes out) Look, it's Stuart!
 * Raj: You may want to leave the room.
 * (Stuart now thinks for a minute)


 * Penny: Okay, does everyone remember the rules? If he's shirtless, one sip. Posing with a pet, two sips. Pet and shirtless, chug like it's your job. And pull!
 * (Scene of TV screen still image of a brunette mustached/goateed man in tight leopard-print briefs with a black and white cat under his arm on a bed. Amy does not the slightest bit impressed by the image)
 * Raj: I have that same underwear!
 * Penny: Chug! (The five folks sip their beer just as Amy's phone chimes) Mm, Amy, you're getting a text.
 * Amy: Oh, um, give me that.
 * Raj's voice: (out of vision) “I had a great time last night”"
 * Amy: No, no, st-stop reading that.
 * Howard: Who's Dave?
 * Amy: I...
 * Penny: You went on a date last night? Are you seeing someone?
 * Amy: No, it-it's not like that. (Amy's phone chimes again)
 * Bernadette: (she's reading the screen message) “And I'd love to take you out again”?
 * Raj, Bernadette, Howard and Penny: Amy! What? Can't believe it. Oh, my God.
 * Amy: Okay it's like that.
 * (Bernadette, Howard, Penny, Raj and Stuart now exchange glances at each other)


 * Penny: (she's stroppy with Amy) I can't believe you're seeing someone and we don't even know about it.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Amy crossly) Yeah, why wouldn't you tell us?
 * Amy: Because it's new and weird and I'm just trying to figure it all out.
 * (Bernadette glares crossly at Amy)
 * Amy: And I knew if I told you guys I had been out with a few people that you'd get way too excited about it.
 * Stuart: A few people?
 * Raj: What?!
 * Bernadette: Amy!
 * Penny: Amy!
 * Stuart: So, are we allowed to ask how it's going?
 * Amy: It's going fine. It's mostly just been meeting people for coffee.
 * Raj: Wha...?! I thought we were all... Never mind.
 * Bernadette: (she's slightly too cross) I-I thought you weren't ready to start seeing people.
 * Amy: Well, I don't have much experience dating, so I decided it would be good for me to, you know, get out there a little.
 * Penny: (she grumbles) Well, good for you.
 * Amy: Thank you.
 * Bernadette: And how many guys have you gone out with?
 * Stuart: Please be less than two.
 * Amy: Three.
 * Stuart: Damn it.