La Candace-Cabra

(Scene opens in the backyard)

Phineas: Well, Ferb, we can cross that one off our bucket list.

(Buford walks in with Baljeet, he is dressed like Isabella)

Buford: Hey, guys! What'cha doin'?

Phineas: Uh, I think the bigger question is: What are you doing, Buford?

Buford: I'm filling in for Isabella while she visitin' her grandparents in New Mexico.

Baljeet: The dress was all his idea, though.

Buford: Hey, I got the legs for it. (takes off wig) Ah, New Mexico. My great grandfather once saw something mysterious in New Mexico...

(Buford begins a flashback)

Buford: (voiceover) There he was, happily plying his trade, cowpunching.

(Buford's grandfather punches a cow, it punches back)

Buford: (continuing) It was a dangerous in profession.

Buford's grandfather: Darn tootin'!

Buford: And then one day, he saw it.

Chupacabra Ho!

Buford's grandfather: What the Sam Hill?!? Huh?!?

(End flashback)

Buford: It was the elusive Chapricobra.

Phineas: The what?

Baljeet: Based on his extensive history of malapropisms, I would say that he is talking about the Chupacabra, the Latin American goat sucker, that is said to haunt the deserts of Mexico and South-Western America.

Phineas: That's just a myth. Like the Lake Nose Monster, and Klimpaloon, the magical old timey bathing suit that lives in the Himalayas.

Baljeet: Umm, have you not proven those things to be true?

Phineas: So we have. (to Ferb) Ferb, I know, what we're gonna do today. We're gonna search for an elusive creature that tends to slip away unse -- Hey! Where's Perry?

(At the O.W.C.A. headquarters, Carl begins to give a presentation)

Carl: I-Is this thing on? I want to thank you all for taking some time outta your busy schedules to attend our compulsory O.W.C.A. Animal Sensitive Seminar. However, if you currently are an animal, you may be excused to your missions.

(The animals leave)

Major Monogram: What -- what -- what? They get to go? What is this, Pick On the Higher Species Day?

(The animals turn around and make angry noises)

Major Monogram: What? Humans are a higher species, everybody knows that!

Carl: And...that's why you're here today, sir.

(In the backyard)

Phineas: Gentlemen and gentlemen, we present to you the Chupa-Copter!

Buford and Baljeet: Wow! Right on! Etcetera.

Phineas: Alright, everyone! Take your seats and buckle up! We're off to New Mexico to find the elusive Chupacabra!

Baljeet: But what are we going to use as bait?

Buford: Oh, I got that handled. (He picks up an Isabella suit.) Check it out! It's reversible! (He turns the suit inside out) Tada! A goat costume!

Phineas: Alright, then! Let's start trackin' us a chupacabra!

(Phineas pushes a red button followed by other buttons.)

Computer: Searching chupacabra traits: Rooting, sniffing, long neck, desert dwelling.

Phineas: Ferb, let's light this candle!

(Ferb gives a thumbs up as the Chupa-Copter lifts off the ground.)

(In Candace's bedroom, Candace is with Stacy showing her all of her identical outfits.)

Candace: Look! Everything in my wardrobe is jinxed!

Stacy: Jinxed?

Candace: Uh-huh. I was wearing this one when the boys made a giant gelatin monster. I was wearing this one when the boys split me into like 50 mes. And this one is from the whole Meap thing. And this one... Well, I just spilled grape juice on it. (Indistinct) But still...

(During Candace's spiel on her clothes, the Chupa-Copter peers outside the window. The image of her appears on the computer.)

Computer: Begin analysis. Rooting.

Candace: (gets out a perfume bottle) Ooh. Je Bust Number 12. (she sprays some on herself)

Computer: Sniffing.

Candace: I guess I could wear this tonight.

(The computer zooms in on her neck.)

Computer: Long neck. (The picture zooms out.) Non-desert dwelling. Not chupacabra.

Candace: Wait. Somebody's judging me. (she looks outside the window. The chopper flies away) ''Phineas and Ferb! You are SOO BUSTED!''...For something!

(At Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, there is a biplane sitting atop a ramp Doofenshmirtz has built)

Dooby dooby doo-bah

Dooby dooby doo-bah

Perry!

Doofenshmirtz: Well, hello, Perry the Platypus. You like the new Bi-plane? Pretty sweet huh? Uh, I got it off the internet. (Perry gets trapped under a hair drying machine) Don't worry about your hat; the heat is really good for the felt. Look what I invented... (pours a tonic on a mannequin which regrows its hair he chopped off) It grows your hair back. Got it in all the stores, but it's not selling it like I thought of it. That is why it got a catchy name: Get Back Hair.

Get Back Hair!

Doofenshmirtz: It should be flying off the shelves. I-I just don't get it. Anyway that is about to change. Behold, the Switch-Place-inator. Wha- Why do you look so unimpressed? I'll explain. I simply fly over town in my biplane, Ride off! And I look for someone with a receding airline, standing next to someone with a full head of hair. I fire, and presto! The hair switches places. The person who was formally hairline challenged, is thrilled, and the other guy is- well he's gonna spend a lot of money to get his hair back. Thus, Get Back Hair!

Get Back Hair!

Doofenshmirtz: Here, I'll show you how it works. Okay, Perry the Platypus, how would you like to trade places with a hungry, man eating shark? (Doofenshmirtz zaps the two with the -inator, causing the shark to flail on the floor, whil Perry swims happily in the shark's former tank) Oh yeah, you're semi-aquatic. Well, I've got some other tricks up my sleeve. Like switching places with a- (The shark, flails around, and manages to bite Doofenshmirtz's upper body) Aw, ah man, I did not see that coming. (Doofenshmirtz throws the shark off him) Okay Señor pantalones inteligente, that's, Mr. Smarty Pants... Spanish. (He fires his -inator switching the places of a lightbulb, and the tank. The tank flips and falls, trapping Perry under it) "Tanks" for playing Perry the Platypus. See ya' around.

Phineas: Okay guys, welcome to New Mexico. Ferb, let's lower the chupacabra bait. (They lower Buford in his goat costume)

Buford: (bleats) Hey! Hey! Watches the cactuses. Ow! Ah! Who's driving up there?

Phineas: Baljeet?

Baljeet: (He laughs nervously) Sorry.

Doofenshmirtz: (Flying in his biplane) Now to go make my millions with my trusty Switch-Place-inator! Where is it? (He sees Perry has it, and Perry shoots himself and a bird, switching their places, and making Perry fall into Doofenshmirtz's plane) Perry the Platypus, you didn't by any chance hand it over, it belongs to me. Give it, give it. (They begin fighting and doing other things on top of the wing, such as fishing) This is what I call "fly fishing" (or teaching Perry to ride a bike) Haha! Yes! Yes! Attaboy! (Throwing Perry a party) Make a wish. (Perry blows out the candles) What'd you wish for (Perry resumes beating up Doofenshmirtz) Really, that's what you wished for?

(In the backyard)

Candace: I'm going to wait right here until the bustees return. Oh, and they will return.

Stacy: Sooo...since you're in busting mode, I take it, my services are not required? (Candace does not answer) Yep, I'm superfluous. (leaves)

(shift to the desert)

Buford: (bleating)

(Song: Chupacabra Ho)

Swampy: We're searchin' for a beast of yore with a long neck and a tail;

Everywhere we look we lose on this long and dusty trail...

We're westward ho 'cause the ranchers know somethin' isn't right;

Their goats are bein' snatched away in the darkness of the night...

Chupacabra ho...

Swampy and kids: Chupacabra, chupacabra:

Phineas: What just jumped the wire?

Swampy and kids: Chupacabra, chupacabra:

Buford: I'm starting to perspire!

Swampy and kids: Chupacabra, chupacabra:

Buford: I'm not usually a crier, But isn't that-

Baljeet: The goat vampire!

Swampy: Lots of gangs have tried to hunt and flush it from its lair,

But not 'til now have the gang of kids pursued it from the air...

Cowboys tried to trap and trick it with just about everything,

But no one's ever tried to lure it with a bully on a string.

Bully on a string...

Chupacabra ho...

Chupacabra ho...

Buford: Hey, guys! I think we got somethin'!

Phineas: Gotcha, Buford. Let's see if we're getting any --

(the computer beeps, it shows "TARGET LOCATED")

Phineas: Sweet!

Buford: (bleats)

(We see the legs of the Chupacabra. It is in a big ball of violence)

Buford: Almost there. (the Chupacabra falls into a hole) Bingo!

Phineas: All right! Let's go check it out. (on the ground) So that's what a Chupacabra looks like.

Baljeet: Yes. Surprising, is it not?

Buford: Well, I think he's kinda cute.

Phineas: Now we just have to get him back home.

(They fly home carrying the Chupacabra in the crate. Candace can be seen behind the tree)

Phineas: Wow. The Chupacabra doesn't sound too happy.

Candace: Aha! A real live Chupacabra, eh? Wait til Mom sees this!

(the Chupacabra growls)

Buford: I'll bet he's hungry. I totally sound like that when my blood sugar's low.

Baljeet: Does your mom have any goat-based food products?

Phineas: I don't know. Can't hurt to check the fridge.

(they exit)

Candace: Now's my chance! (runs up to the crate) Woo! Evidence at last! Wait a minute. Let's just make sure it's really in here. (opens the crate) Here Chupa... (The Chupacabra scratches her in the face) This is the best day EVER! (she stops for a moment) Wait a minute. I'd better move this to the front lawn where Mom can see it right when she gets home. (she pushes the crate to the driveway and dials the phone) Hello? Mom?

Linda: (Driving, while talking to Candace with an earpiece) Hi, Candace. What is it?

Candace: Mom, listen. The boys have caught a Chupacabra. You have to get home quick and bust them.

Linda: Take it easy honey, I'm just a few blocks away.

Candace: Awesome, thanks! (hangs up) Whew, now all I do is wait. While I sit on top of the crate for safe-keeping.

(The chupacabra growls)

Candace: Hold that thought. Mom will be back soon.

(In the kitchen...)

Baljeet: Ha, how convenient that your mother has a whole terrine of goat biryani.

Phineas: I know, right? Those gourmet cooking classes are sure comin' in handy.

(Linda is driving on the street, Candace is watching her)

Candace: Hehehehe,..hehehehehe...

(In the backyard)

Buford: (Carrying the goat biryani)'' Hey! Wait for me guys! '' Phineas: Whoa! (his perspective, there is a hole where the Chupacabra's crate was) The Chupacabra's gone! (to Ferb) This must be how Candace feels when this happens.

(On Doofenshmirtz's bi-plane)

Doofenshmirtz: You know I've had it with you, Perry the Platypus. You never, never let me have a -- (Perry pulls Doofenshmirtz's parachute, sending him flying off the plane) AAAAAAHHHHH CURSE YOU, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!

(Perry's watch beeps)

Major Monogram: Agent P, we've just heard that our New Mexico operative, Agent CH, has had his cover compromised. We have the coordinates of his location, and you are the closest agent. Get to it.

Carl: (offscreen) Keep writing sir.

(Major Monogram returns to writing "Animals are people too" on a chalkboard. Perry starts driving the plane)

(Scene shifts to the driveway, Linda pulls up)

Candace: Ee-ee-ee-ee...ee-ee-ee-ee...Mom, you won't believe this.

Linda: Now, Candace, why would you ever give me reason not to believe you?

Candace: What if I told you, that Phineas and Ferb captured an actual Chupacabra?

Linda: Well, that would test my suspension of disbelief.

(Above them, Perry flies by and zaps something in the backyard and the Chupacabra with Doofenshmirtz's Switch-Place-inator. Neither of them notice)

Candace: Well, disbelieve no more, 'cause I've got it right here! And it's not going anywhere.

Linda: (flatly) ...Rrright.

Candace: Oh, ye of excessive sarcasm, (She opens the crate) I present to you...the elusive, Chupacabra!

(Buford comes out of the crate)

Linda: (with disdain) I don't believe it.

Buford: Hey! How did I get into that crate?!

Linda: Well, I'm at least glad to see you kids are going to finish up my leftover biryani.

Buford: Yes, ma'am.

Candace: But...but, but, but...

(In the backyard, Perry watches as the Chupacabra aka Agent CH, gives him a thumbs up and flies away in the Chupa-copter. Perry waves)

Chupacabra ho

Phineas: I don't get it. He usually shows up by now. Oh, there you are Perry. You'll never believe this, but for a while there, we had a real, live Chupacabra. (they take out their smartphones) Here, we took pictures.

(Phineas looks through the pictures on his smartphone, but all the pictures show are a disappointing amalgam of his finger, the New Mexican Landscape, and parts of the Chupacabra. The same goes for Ferb and Baljeet)

Baljeet: Next...next...next...next...

Ferb: Well, I guess perhaps the universe wants somethings left un-photographed. Like Chupacabras, or...group photos where everyone has their eyes open.

(A Chupacabra roar is heard)