Mazel Tina

Louise: Click. Click.

Click, click.

Louise, stop saying click.

Click.

Click.

And, Tina, will you stop typing like that?

I'm refreshing my e-mail.

I'm waiting for an invitation to Tammy's Bat Mitzvah.

I believe the term is badminton.

Common mistake.

No, Gene. Tammy's Jewish.

It's a ceremony where she reads from the Torah, lights a candle and becomes a woman.

Sounds like my spa night.

Except I read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. (groans)

You know a lot about Bat Mitzvahs for someone who thought Chanukah was Han Solo and Chewbacca's baby.

It's about becoming a woman and it's a really great party.

Why wouldn't I research that?

Plus, rumor has it this one's gonna be packed with B-FOS.

What are B-FOS?

B-F-O-S.

Boys From Other Schools.

What's wrong with the boys from your school?

I need fresh faces.

(quieter): And fresh butts.

You'll take the butts you're given and you'll like it!

(school bell ringing)

Don't you dare call back until it's done!

Do you understand me?

Okay, bye, Mom.

Hi, Tammy.

(groans)

Tina, I am up to my pits in Bat Mitzvah planning.

Mm-hmm.

But I figured out the theme, which is "Tammy"!

Me, it just makes sense.

Nice.

You get an "O" for original.

And for O-M-G I didn't get an invite to your Bat Mitzvah.

Mm, that's 'cause I didn't invite you.

Oh. That "O" doesn't stand for anything.

It's just me being surprised.

I was really looking forward to all those B-FOS.

Mm, me too.

Yeah, a lot of B-FOS.

I got Hebrew School B-FOS.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

I got Camp B-FOS.

I got B-FOS who are Filipinos.

Fili-B-FOS.

Got your invite, Tammy.

We'll be there.

Bat Mitzvah, baby!

Hava Nagiddiyup!

(laughs)

Giddyap, boy!

Ow!

Get! Giddyap!

Ow! (grunts)

Ow!

Yeah!

Well, if a spot opens up, keep me in mind.

Spots are for underwear, Tina.

Not my Bat Mitzvah.

Got to run!

(sighs)

Tina, that's the third time you sighed on my sandwich.

You're heating up the bread.

It just seems like everyone's going to Tammy's Bat Mitzvah but me.

But you got to go to Shauna's Bat Mitzvah.

Shauna had a Bat Mitzvah?

Oh! Uh...

No!

Mom! Shauna Glassman had five caterers at her Bat Mitzvah and everyone talked about how great that was.

So, we need six caterers.

Find me another caterer or I'm gonna find another mom!

Excuse me, Tammy? I couldn't help overhearing your conversation.

If you need another caterer for your Bat Mitzvah, my dad can do it.

We help him with catering jobs all the time.

No, no, we can't do that.

(groans) What does he do again?

Nothing. No...

Burgers.

(groans) Can he do sliders?

'Cause I want slider burgers.

Oh, no, he's terrible at sliders.

He can do sliders.

No, he...

He can make them as small as you want. Oh... He has a real...

He can make them so small you can't even see them. No.

I'm eating one right now.

(groans) Fine.

(phone ringing)

He's hired, he's hired.

No!

Oh, okay.

We'll be there!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just have your parents call my parents.

I got to take this.

What is it now, Rabbi Rosenberg?

What is it now?

Yes!

Great!

Now we all have to go to that "Brat" Mitzvah.

Have fun explaining this to Dad!

I'm sure Dad will love it.

No way.

Dad, you have to!

No I don't, Tina.

I-I don't like catering.

You guys always wander off and leave me with all the work.

Dad, this is the only way I get to go to Tammy's Bat Mitzvah!

Tina, this isn't going to Tammy's Bat Mitzvah.

It's working at it.

Won't it be awkward for you with all your friends there as guests?

You don't understand!

This is my way in!

She's having B-FOS from all around the world!

(groaning)

All right, calm down.

That's it.

Get all the blood to your head.

Let it flow.

Does it really mean that much to you?

Yes! Look at my face!

Oh, my God.

Aah! One luftballon!

Okay, get her up, get her up!

(all gru.ting)

I don't know.

We won't leave you alone this time, Bobby. Right, guys?

Eh.

Soft maybe.

Please, Dad?

Fine. We'll do it.

Yay!

All right!

Now can I get circumcised?

Gene.

I know some people.

Look at all this food.

It's like we died and went to fancy mall food court heaven.

That is the creepiest thing I've ever seen.

Tina: I think it's nice.

Two mini burgers, please.

Hey, Jimmy Jr.

Zeke.

What's it like out there?

So sweet. They even have a DJ in the bathroom.

I was dancing so hard I forgot why I went in there.

Wow.

I've had not one, not two, but three Tammy-tinis!

I'm waiting for the sugar to hit me!

Here I go, oh!

Here he goes.

It's gonna happen.

It's coming!

Here we go. Kaboom!

Nice!

I'm hyper. Officially hyper.

Wow, sounds grea...

Hey, can we get those mini burgers?

They're taking a long time.

Oh, right.

Hurry up, T-town.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the star of the evening.

Tammy!

♪ She's Tammy, she's glammy ♪ ♪ She's just a little hammy ♪ ♪ If she sang a song right now ♪ ♪ She'd probably win a Grammy ♪ ♪ You know who I'm talking of ♪ ♪ So why don't you all say mazel tov ♪ ♪ Tammy, yeah. ♪

Hey, everyone!

Mazel tov to me!

Mazel tov!

Tina, is this Tammy-tastrophe everything you dreamed it would be?

I wish I was more in the mix.

From here, I can only look at the B-FOS, but not touch.

You could probably touch them.

You think so?

Yeah.

(grunting)

No, I can't.

Aw, I have bad depth perception, sorry.

What's going on here?

Where are the Tammy toothpicks?

Tammy what?

All of the food is supposed to have toothpicks with my face on top.

Janet, what's happening?

Here are your toothpicks.

And here's your headset.

You didn't give them a headset either?

God, Janet!

What's this for?

So Janet can stay in contact with all the caterers. Duh.

Why would we need to stay in contact?

Hello?! The toothpicks?

That was almost a major disaster.

Uh, you're kind of exaggerating, Tammy.

I'm exaggerating?

Yeah, I think so.

A little bit.

That is literally the stupidest thing that anyone has ever said in the history of mankind.

Ever!

You're having a hard day, I think.

I'm having the best day of my life.

It's my Bat Mitzvah.

You're a wonderful little girl.

Thank you.

What a 'tude.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

During the walk there and back, it'll be like I'm at the party.

Great, now we lost Tina.

No one else is allowed to leave.

Tammy (over headset): Janet, we're out of ranch dressing!

Janet: Um... I-I...

If a chicken tender touches my lips without ranch dressing I am literally going to kill someone!

I'm not wearing this.

I'll take that.

Bat Zilla.

(roaring)

Oh, no. Who said that?

Janet, are you listening to me?

Louise: Bat Zilla's angry, Janet.

What are you gonna do?

Janet: Uh, please, if this could just, uh, I've got two and half me hours?

Bat Zilla's gonna kill you in under two.

(whispering): You're absolutely right.

You're absolutely right.

Janet, you got to get out of this.

Please help, please help!

You're better than this!

Janet, you know you can do better!

Who are you?

The voice in your head, Janet.

Ah, no big deal.

Just the single greatest collection of food ever assembled under one roof.

Not gonna wander off.

Nah, good Linda.

Stay right here.

(sniffs)

The crepes smell good.

The crepes smell real good!

Don't know you, don't know you.

Janet!

What's wrong with Tammy's eye?

Uh, that one's a little bigger than that one.

Not me! Her!

Uh, uh...

I need someone to fix the bulb on the Tammy head stat.

Janet, you got to get out of here.

I do, I do. What are you doing here still, Janet?

What are your dreams?

I know you've got dreams.

I'm gonna... move to New York.

You should go there, Janet.

And I'm gonna sing and dance!

Give me some of that singing.

Give it to me now, Janet.

♪ Start sp... ♪

Wake up, Janet! Wake up.

You wake up, Tammy.

'Cause guess what?

I quit!

What?!

Oh, how the tides have turned, Tammy!

Janet, don't you dare.

Oh, look at me.

The headset's a-coming off of the ears!

Janet, don't you take that ear... headset off!

I can't hear you anymore!

Janet!

Look I respond to nothing, Tammy!

Janet! Janet!

Nothing but my own desire to be a star!

Janet!

(laughs)

Oh, voice, voice, you've taught me well.

Janet!

You're welcome, Janet.

Excuse me, Tammy?

This might not be the best time but can you tell me where the ladies' room is?

(groans) Not now, Tina!

(panting)

Wait, how good are you with a clipboard?

I'm okay.

Sometimes I get my fingers caught in the clip thing.

Here, you're my new coordinator.

I am?

Yeah.

You wanted to be at the party... now you're running the party.

Okay, I'll do the...

First, the schedule's on the clipboard.

We have to stick to it no matter what.

Got it?

Check.

See all those people?

Those are my relatives.

We're not close and they all have old person face.

So it's your job to tell me who's who.

How will I know who's...?

There's a Tammy's family cheat sheet on the clipboard.

Oh, okay.

And that's Justin.

He's the cutest guy in Hebrew school.

Remember that punim, okay?

That means "face" in old Jewish language.

Justin.

The ladies choice dance is at 9:30.

And by ladies, I mean me.

I'm choosing Justin as my dance partner.

That makes sense. And that'll lead right into the hora, which is when I get lifted into a chair and I feel like a Jewish movie star, like Whoopi Goldberg.

Would it be okay if I went to the bathroom really fast?

Never mind, I-I'll hold it.

I'll make it go away.

You do that.

Louise: Tina, did you just get bat-bullied into being a party planner?

Louise?

This line is for work only.

Why do you want to be the new Janet?

Well, at least I'm not stuck behind the burger station.

Tammy: Tina, I've got a wedgie and I'm not gonna pick it at my own party!

Janet had small fingers!

Got to go.

Hmm.

Hello, guac.

Let's take a little walk.

Uh, where's Louise?

Did we lose her, too?

She's on the Mexican food, Chinese food border.

It's a war zone!

I'll go see if she needs backup.

No.

Oh, boo.

Bobby, I'm getting light-headed, I need some air.

Lin, you're not light-headed.

You want a crepe.

You've been saying crepe under your breath for ten minutes.

What?!

Crepe.

There's crepes here?

Crepe.

You're doing it.

I am not!

Don't be ridiculous!

Crepe.

You just did it.

Crepe. What?!

Oh, my God.

I didn't do nothing.

Just go.

I told you, I'm light-headed.

Just go.

Crepe, crepe, crepe.

Go.

Crepe, crepe, crepe, crepe, cr... I'll be, I'll be right back!

Mm-hmm.

Crepe! Crepe!

Wait for me, Mom!

(grunts) Why aren't I moving?

I will not be left alone.

But Mom said she'd be right back!

Gene, look at me.

You and I both know your mom's not coming back after just one crepe.

She's not gonna stop, Gene.

She's never gonna stop.

It's who she is.

If she stops, she'll die.

Like a crepe shark.

Gene?

Yes.

We need to stick together.

I'm gonna grill and you're gonna plate.

Dad, I never realized how soulful your eyes are.

(groans) Gene.

Wait, really?

Aunt Frida from Florida.

She had hip-replacement surgery last year.

Aunt Frida!

Your new hip looks hot.

Tammy, I'm so proud of you on your big day.

(grunting) We got a clinger!

Tina.

Let go of Tammy.

(grunts)

Those are your parents.

I know who my parents are, Tina.

Are you having fun, honey?

Mom, You got your weird perfume on me!

(groans) I got to go swab this off.

Tina, make sure we stay on schedule.

Okay.

It's not weird.

You like it, right?

Um, yeah, I like it.

I wear it. It's bisexual.

Do you mean unisex?

It's the same thing.

It is not the same thing.

My swim-aerobics instructor is bisexual.

Thank you, Frida.

(humming)

What? This shouldn't be open!

Looks like you got a runny nose, Tammy.

(Tammy gasps)

What are you doing in my head?

(gasps) Whoops.

Hey, Tammy!

Good to see you there.

I thought the tortilla chips were in here.

Which is like, so creative.

But I guess not.

(gasps) You were going to pour guacamole out of my nose like boogers, weren't you?!

(laughing): Oh, my God, Tammy, that's hilarious.

Let's do it!

Stop it!

What's going on?

I think we're going up!

God, it won't open!

No!

Hello!

(screaming) I'm in here!

Help us!

I'm in here!

It's Tammy the Bat Mitzvah girl!

No one can hear us over the terrible band!

The Klezbians are not a terrible band!

Yes, they are!

How dare you!

Oh, help!

(Tammy screams)

Tammy: Hello!

Louise: No!

I'm in here!

(yells)

♪ ♪

Oops!

Gene, easy.

That's the fifth burger you've dropped on the floor.

That you know of...

Tina: Have you guys seen Tammy?

Oh, good.

You're back.

No, I'm not back, I'm the new Janet.

I'm really busy.

Tammy's supposed to lead off the limbo soon and I can't find her anywhere.

I haven't seen her in a while, and I have to say, I have enjoyed every minute of our time apart.

Have you seen your mother or Louise?

We don't need them!

Oops!

(sighs)

Mom's over by the ltalian food station.

Hi!

Mm.

You gotta try this!

I-I mean, I'll be right back!

Mm.

I gotta find Tammy.

We gotta stay on schedule no matter what.

Ugh. We're out of napkins. I'll go.

I don't know what they're for, but I'll get 'em.

No. No.

Gene, you stay here.

I'll go.

Tammy: Help!

The headset's clogged.

Um, who cares about that right now?

You should, Tammy, because the headset was our only way of communicating with the outside world.

Now I'm gonna die in here and they're gonna find my bones in your head.

This wasn't the head I wanted them to find my bones in!

Hello!

It's me, Tammy!

The star of the Bat Mitzvah!

(sighs loudly) Okay.

Let's do what I came here to do.

You are not pouring guacamole out of my nose.

If I pour the guacamole, it might fall on someone and they'll look up and see us.

Ugh. Fine.

(grunts)

Louise: No... no, no!

Tammy: Why isn't it falling?

Because of your big mouth, Tammy!

Someone's gotta notice I'm missing.

This is my party.

The theme is me.

What are you planning to do with this stupid head after today anyway?

Um, hello?

I'm gonna donate it to charity.

I do thihink about other people.

Gnocchi.

Looks good.

Maybe I'll just try one.

Mmm.

That's really good.

Okeydokey, gnocchi.

I'm sorry I just said that.

Out loud.

To myself.

Uh... my dad said he'd be right back.

He's getting napkins, whatever that is!

In the meantime, is anyone here for just a plain bun?

Mr. and Mrs. Larson, I can't find Tammy and we're supposed to do the limbo in two minutes.

Hi, Other Janet.

Sometimes when Tammy gets like this we just let her take some time by herself.

We call it Tammy time.

But Tammy time isn't on the schedule.

Other Janet's moving her mouth but all I hear is, "We-wah we-wah."

(laughing)

Ow.

(sighs) What?

Be a man.

You be a man.

It's time for the limbo!

(sighs)

Somebody's gotta kick this thing off.

I guess it's gotta be me.

How low can you go?

Not that low.

Still too low.

Yeah, a little higher.

Mm, one more inch?

Well, you'll walk right under it now!

Yeah, but just in case, a little higher.

Okay, everybody, let's limbo!

What the hell is your sister doing?

Looks like the limbo.

Or some awkward version of it.

I was supposed to lead off the limbo.

I was the one who went to limbo boot camp!

Limbo, check.

Next on the schedule is the conga line.

Gotta stay on schedule no matter what.

Whoops.

Bob!

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I'm eating this dumpling.

Yeah, the food here is really good.

They hired great caterers for this, right?

Yeah, except for us... sneaking off like a couple of Shirky Shirleys.

(laughs)

No, no, no, it's okay.

Uh, Gene is running the ship over there, so we're fine.

Over where?

Where-where is he?

Over, uh, there, see?

Behind the... uh, you can't see from here.

Where are we?

Yeah.

We are not in the same hall as we were a minute ago.

It's like the end of The Shining in here.

We could get lost.

Where did everybody go?

Wait a minute, this is a wedding!

Hey, boys.

It's time for the conga line.

Grab on and let's go.

Oh, hey, okay.

I could get used to being Tammy.

Look out for that wall!

I got it!

(Tammy gasps)

Tammy: Tina hijacked my conga line!

I want my conga!

Looks like they're doing fine without you.

Are you kidding?

She's all over the road!

It's da-da-da-da da-da.

It's not supposed to be like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

(makes farting noise)

(headset beeps) Guess what?

No, you guess what.

When we get out of here, Tina is so fired.

I'll have my Bat Mitzvah back and your lame sister can conga her butt outta here.

(whispering): You owe me one, Tina.

You know what, I can't fix this thing.

Looks like you won't be getting your party back for a while.

(beeps) It's just you and me, Tam-tam.

We're going to take a quick break.

We'll be right back.

Excuse me, but there's no break on the schedule.

Uh, I gotta call my dog sitter.

But it's time for me to lead the Macarena.

So, hey, Macarena or hey, you're fired.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Hamotzi lechem min ha'aretz. ♪

Tammy's taking Tammy time.

I'm filling in.

Take it.

♪ Amen. ♪ ♪ ♪

(guests cheering)

It's been almost two hours.

No one even notices that I'm not there.

Wow.

This is like a reverse It's a Wonderful Life.

You get toee how much better off everyone is without you shrieking at them.

Yeah.

(sobbing)

Okay, okay, easy there, ugh.

Everyone is having a good time without me.

It's true.

I was being...

A horrible Bat Zilla?

Yeah.

Like, the worst person alive?

(sobbing)

Just like, a crazy monster?

Yeah!

All right, there you go.

Coming around.

(snapping fingers) Hey. Hey. Hey.

Look at this!

Tammy!

What?

I fixed the headset. What?

I fixed the headset.

Oh. Oh!

You're a genius!

I know.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Get us out of here!

Oh, it's broken! No! (sobbing)

Okay, I fixed it, I fixed it.

But you watch your tone.

I'm sorry.

And you better start inviting my sister to all your dumb parties.

I can't give you a guarantee.

All right, then it's broken.

No!

(sobbing)

(playing "The Chicken Dance")

♪ ♪

Come on!

Keep up!

What part of the chicken dance don't you understand?

Tina, you're kind of getting an attitude.

Hmm. Let me check the schedule for mouthing off to the party planner.

No. Not on here.

So zip your lips and shake your hips.

Louise (in headset): Tina! Tina, can you hear me?

Louise?

Oh, Tina!

Hey, hey!

Tina: Where are you?

I'm stuck inside Tammy's head!

Yeah. This whole thing is just too much Tammy.

Louise: No! I'm literally stuck inside Tammy's giant head.

With Tammy!

Get us out of here!

Huh? How did you guys get up there?

Are those boogers?

That's funny.

Thank you.

Can you just get us down?

Okay, I'll get the maintenance guy to...

"Ladies choice dance with Justin." What?

Oh, I mean, it's just that next on the schedule is ladies choice dancing with Justin.

So?

And if we want to stay on schedule...

No, no, no, no.

...I probably should keep filling in for Tammy.

It's what she would've wanted.

No!

Tina!

Get us out of here right now!

I want my Bat Mitzvah back!

Um...

(imitates static)

Uh-oh, you guys are starting to break up.

(static) I can't hear you.

Louise: You're terrible at making static sounds, Tina.

Get us down!

Tammy: Give me back my party, you psycho!

(imitating static)

I'm losing you guys.

(static) I'm not a psycho.

Louise: Tina, don't do th... (gasps)

Hi, Aunt Frida.

Frida: Hi, Other Tammy.

Tammy: Your single white female sister is out of control!

What do we do?

I don't know, Tammy, I hate her, too!

Plan B.

And what is that?

Going back to your plan A.

Jump till this thing breaks open!

Go!

You got it!

(grunting, yelling)

Louise: Oh, my little legs!

Justin, it's time for your ladies choice dance with Tammy.

But since she's still taking Tammy time, we found you another partner and it is me.

Um, but...

Can't talk... there's a schedule.

Hey!

This burger isn't cooked!

You want this food cooked, you go put it in a sink and run it under hot water.

All right.

Good! I don't have time to run all this food under hot water.

Who's next?

It's time for the Bat Mitzvah lady and the gentleman of her choice to take the dance floor.

That's us.

♪ ♪

What's Tina doing out there?

Becoming a woman. Oh.

The hand wants what the hand wants.

I can't tell where your back ends and your butt begins.

Oh, there it is.

I was just too high.

(grunting) That's my song!

She's doing my dance!

(growls)

(Tammy screams, guests gasp)

Oh, my God!

Lower the Tammy head!

(whirring)

Uh-oh.

We've been looking for you!

Honey, are you okay?

Hold on. Hold on, let me put down my drink.

You! Justin, what are you doing?

I'm not Tammy!

Get my hands off your upper butt.

The ball is over, Fake-erella.

Tina, what the hell?

(growling) I was stuck in there with that and you did nothing!

Why didn't you rescue us?

Um, I guess I got a little swept up in my role.

Yeah, you think?!

The power of the Bat Mitzvah is intoxicating.

It's like a religious experience.

Tammy, they don't get it.

But I do.

We do.

I guess we do.

Thanks for coming to my Bat Mitzvah.

(snarling) Um...

Time for the hora, everyone! The hora!

(band playing "Hava Nagila")

The hora!

This isn't over, Tina!

Oh, my God.

See, this is what happens when we cater.

We better get out of here before we get chased out.

Let's go back to the wedding.

Ooh, I want to sign the guest book.

Sorry we left you, Gene.

I'm not!

It was easy.

You make it seem so difficult.

Once you stop using the grill, it's fast.

For my Bat Mitzvah, I just want a gift certificate.

Louise, you're not getting a Bat Mitzvah. I know.

Because I'm getting a gift certificate.

Mazel tov, Tammy!

♪ Uru akhim be-lev sameakh ♪ ♪ Uru akhim be-lev sameakh ♪ ♪ Uru akhim be-lev sameakh ♪ ♪ Uru akhim be-lev sameakh ♪ ♪ Uru akhim ♪ ♪ Be-lev sameakh ♪ ♪ Hava nagila, hava nagila ♪ ♪ Hava nagila ve-nismekha ♪ ♪ Hava nagila, hava nagila ♪ ♪ Hava nagila ve-nismekha ♪ ♪ Hava neranenah, hava neranenah ♪ ♪ Hava neranenah ve-nismekha... ♪