Black to the Future

1 [sirens blaring] [gunfire] [electricity crackles] [gates rattle] [metallic thud] Halt! You are in violation of Gamora protocol 769, existing without a license. Oh, I got a license right here, a license to tickle your funny bone. Prop comedy detected. Exterminate with extreme prejudice. Groaner, you reckless bastard. [beeps] League member detected. Request backup. Groaner: Run! [beeps] Come on! We don't have much time! Our mysterious benefactor came through. We are sending you back. - You're sure this thing is safe? - God, no. It's a time machine made out of old Roombas and gym equipment. It's It's a death trap, dude. We've both got to get okay with the fact that you're probably about to die. Like 100% okay? [hums, crackles] Oh, oh, all right. I guess we're doing this. Okay. Shake me. I need to be real jacked up for this. - Ugh! Cleveland Creamer! - It's all that's left. [crashing] Oh, I think I left some 60 Lime in my room. Quit stalling. Get in there! Okay. On the count of 10. Sure. 10, nine [screams] [energy hums] What's happening? Oh, oh, I'm getting leftovered? Let me hide my Fleshlight! [screams] Ohh. Where am I? You're in the future, and you're totally [bleep]. [theme music playing] [screeches] 2x05 - Black to the Future Cooch, your food orders have gotten excessive. Marjorie could have had a rectal prolapse moving this. I've been watching "Doomsday Preppers. " I gotta start buildin' my hoard. This is bigger than Marjorie blowing out her butthole. That was insensitive. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"? People stopped reading that in the '90s after it decimated the birth rate. Well, I've got a lot of catching up to do. There's a woman who's caught my fancy, an exotic woman. Oh, no. You're not still hung up on Portia, are you? She's got a boyfriend, and I've instituted a rule against inter-League dating. - After you were caught railing my wife? - Will you get over that?! I already bought you a very expensive motorcycle, Courtney! - I'm not buying you a minibike! - But all my friends have 'em! I told you to stay away from that junior high. It's weird. I told you. They get me. You'd never find me hanging out with little boys, Portia, except for that time in WWII when I had a sidekick who was a little boy. Let's change the subject! [mutters] It's like a train wreck. Portia, would you like to date me instead of Courtney? - What? - Whoa, are you coming at me, bro? 'Cause I'm feeling very comed-at right now. This is exactly why I have forbidden dating on this team. - Now, Ranger, just walk it off! - Fine! And, Courtney, I couldn't care less what you do, - and I resent that you're my problem. - Whatever. - Ranger? I had no idea. - Yeah. Sorry. [hums] Damn. I don't know what it is, but something's going on with Zenith. You can sense her in the Gods' Realm? Only when it's something big. Zenith: I will not abide this absurdity! It is our way, Zenith. Every millennia, our kind must lay with a mortal man. Your time has come. We have built this utopia by rejecting the coarse male energy of below. - Now you expect me to - This is our curse to bear. If you don't do this, the fever will come. You will become an unstoppable creature of pure rage and destroy the mortal world. Can't I just use the tremoring staff of pleasure? No. And you should slow down with that thing. It makes a lot of noise. We can all hear it. Oh! I I didn't Only the touch of a man may quell the beast and save the Earth, a perfect male specimen. I won't do it! You will, or you will [demonic voice] face my wrath! FYI, this is just the tip of my wrath! I have much more wrath than this! [normal voice]Now, go. This must be done. It shall be. A word of advice regarding butt stuff they all say they're not into it. They are. They are. This isn't going to make a lot of sense to you, - but you're in a hellish future. - What's wrong with your wig? It's my real hair, and, yes, it's receding. Thank you for pointing that out. There's probably still enough to comb it over. Do you wanna know what happened to your world or not? [crashing] Shit! We have to go! - Too late. - Robobot? You are in violation of Gamora protocol 116. - Do not move. - Quick! Kiss me. - Whoa! What? - Come here, you. [grunts] You are in violation of proto protocol Oh, that's so touching. Oh, to know love. - Run! [Saturn spits] - Groaner The death bots are vulnerable to displays of emotion! - Did you use your tongue? - Keep moving! Ooh! Oh, that felt good. Ah, good to go running. Storm City in ruins? What happened here? 15 years ago, a supervillain named Gamora rose to power and turned our world into this hellscape. Bullshit! The League of Freedom would never let that happen! The League is gone, man! And this this is all their fault! And you didn't [glass shatters] Oh, shh, shh, shh. Quiet, quiet. - This is Cooch's territory. - Really? [grunts, groans] Cooch, it's me, Black Saturn! [yelps] Oi! It's him. This dumb shit has the balls to show his face on Cooch's turf? It's cool! I know Cooch. Yeah, and she knows you. [Saturn grunts] [yells] My Lambo poster! My blacklight! My Fleshlight! It worked. I'm back. Hello, Rex. Now, I know this is hard to believe, mostly because of how well I've aged, but I am from the Holy shit, are those Slim Jims?! No. No, Saturn. You have a mission. You Oreo mother [bleep] Cakesters! I can't believe that guy, Portia! [laughs] I should have kicked birdman's ass. Courtney, the man would tear you apart. He's cooling down, chopping wood in the backyard, and you're Snapchatting with 13-year-olds. I told you they get me. [hums] Oh, no. We in trouble now. Oh! [heroic music] I must find a perfect male specimen to mate with. Well, if you can keep a secret, I guess I'm down to Where is the American Ranger? The heart wants what the heart wants, Rex. Look, Ranger, there are plenty of fish in the sea. I don't have sex with fish, Rex. I have sex with people. Since I don't see any gills on Portia, I'd say she's fair game. Wait. What are we talking about again? [Cooch screeching] [alarm blaring] - Cooch! - An intruder alert! - Time to move! [yelps] - I have use for you. Okay. Hey! [growling] Cooch, where's the intruder? Intruder? The Saturn got into my doomsday hoard. [crying] I haven't seen a Twinkie in 15 years! Yeah. That overweight man in his 50s is clearly not Black Saturn. You're right. I'm not your Black Saturn. I'm Black Saturn from the future, and I'm here to save the world. Okay, light him up. [screams] [grunts] [dramatic music] Don't make a move. These guys are [bleep] maniacs. Hey, you don't have to worry about us. Cooch would have our asses if we killed you. - That's right. I wanna do it myself. - Cooch? Remember what I told you would happen if I ever saw you again? - Uh, not at the moment, no. - Well, neither do I. So I guess I'm gonna throw you in with the pit monster. [crowd cheering] - What? Why? - For what you did to Rex. - Wh-What is she talking about? - Okay, C-Cooch, you've got to believe me. We're We're trying to save the world here. This world? There's no saving this world. I was prepared for it. At the time, people laughed at me when I started packing away Gatorades and Slim Jims. But once Gamora started tearing through shit, y'all stopped laughing, started begging. "Oh, please, Cooch. Please just save me half a Slim Jim. " I showed mercy. I fed my people. I trained my warriors. I have it all, Saturn, except for you, the man who killed Titanium Rex! Killed Rex? I I would nev [yelps, thuds] [crowd cheering] You know what? I'm gonna go ahead and skip the donkey kick. Thanks. Wait. [thuds] Come on, boys. I'm feeling good. We're going leprechaun hunting. [cheering] [heavy footsteps approaching] [growling] [heavy footsteps approaching] [growling] Rawr! Aarr! I got you! - Oh, this is gonna be awkward. - Ro-Ro Robo-Dino, what the hell are you doing here, man? Look, you think I'm jazzed about this? You think little Robo-Dino dreamed about being a pit monster? I'm down here 24 hours a day. I'm talking to piles of bones. How about throwing down a [bleep] book next time?! Look, I know this sounds crazy, but I have a chance to change the past. But if Black Saturn gets eaten, the whole plan is [bleep], man. Look, I've heard it all before, and I take my job pretty seriously, so no deal. So you're just gonna eat us. Well, how does that work? Eh, I guess that's up to you. I could either just start eating you or slowly beat you to death with rocks. Dealer's choice, really. Well, shit, dude. I guess, start chomping. I killed Rex. T-That's impossible. Hey. Hey. Snap out of it. I'm taking one for the team, here. You gotta get going. There's not a lot of skin on these bones, so it's not gonna take long. [growls, grunts] Whoa! [slices] Robobot: Time to move. [grappling gun fires, clangs] Hey, I want out of this shit bit, too! Groaner: Holy shit! [clangs] Well, I've searched the mansion. There's no sign of Black Saturn. [sniffs] - I'm telling you he's right here. - Cooch, this is not Saturn. - Look at how old he is. - Shit, man, I'm a cat. I can't tell how old any of you are. We sure do learn a lot about cats around here. Wh What's that? - A truth serum. - Ow! We need to know what you've done with Black Saturn. [beeps, hums] I'm cross referencing your DNA Oh dear. - What is it? - We've got a match. Black Saturn. How is that possible? Nine months from now, one of your members, Zenith, gives birth to a baby, half-god. The baby grows to see humanity as weak, ripe for the picking. She joins the Injustice Club first, then uses them to attack the League. Rex is killed. The world's governments fall next, then she betrays the villains themselves. Going by the name Gamora, she rules with an iron fist. Rex, the serum has kicked in. He's telling the truth. We're faced with the classic moral quandary. Do we kill a baby in this time to prevent future turmoil? - I'll do it! - Slow down! Don't you think there's a reason he came back nine months before the baby was born? Uh, ding-ding! I was sent back to stop Zenith from mating. - Zero baby-killing. - One quandary down. If Zenith's the mother, who's the father? So, we're not killing a baby? Look, Zenith, I think you're great, I really do, but my heart belongs to another your other half, Portia. This is bigger than mortal love. If you don't have sex with me, your world will be destroyed. Well, I am sorry. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't run around when I'm in courtship. Wait! I'm getting a message from Portia. What? Really? That's how your situation works? Sure. She says she wants you to mate with me, for she would like to see how you measure up. Well, then tell her to keep her peepers peeled, because she's about to see the banana slam of the century! [laughs] This place creeps me out. Reminds me of this total poser who begged me to join his superhero team. That's a great story. You should tell it again on opposite day, because then it would be true. - Ivan Whiff! I knew it! - What, may I ask, are you doing here? - It's a bit complicated. We - Sent Black Saturn through time to try and stop Zenith and American Ranger from procreating, so they won't create Gamora, who is destined to grow up and take over the world? - Then why'd you [bleep] ask, then? - Did you ever stop to wonder who that mysterious benefactor of yours might be, the person who for months has been paying for your food, your clothes, your Propecia? - We don't need an itemized receipt. - But I was just the money. The real brains behind the operation is him. [screams] All right. Everybody, just relax. - It's your friend, Robobot. - Hello, Saturn. Robobot! Oh, why didn't you say something? It has not been easy since Gamora used my schematics to mass-produce her killing machines. I am the face of the holocaust. I must remain hidden. Cooch said I killed Rex. Is it true? Technically, no. But if not for you, Rex would still be alive. So, technically, yes. Rex had gathered the League for one last stand against Gamora's might. Beaten half to death, it was the greatest challenge he had ever faced. [both shouting] Robobot: But somehow, through pure force of will, he turned it around. [grunting] Robobot: He had but to deliver the final blow, but you tried to finish her yourself. You stepped in front of Rex, then paused for one of your shitty one-liners. That gave Gamora all the time she needed. Rex pushed you out of the way. [groans] Robobot: You walked away. He didn't. The one-liner. Did it land? - Saturn, don't. - Did it land?! You said, and I quote, "Gamora, I'm gonna listen to BeyoncÃ© on this one and put a ring on it. " That's not bad. That's not bad. [groans] It wasn't dated back then. - Yeah, nice try. - D-Don't worry. None of that will happen if you keep Zenith from having sex with Ranger in the past. We have to keep you alive. If you die here, there's no way you can go back in time and save the world. It's a little complicated, but, you know you know, it's not like "Primer" complicated. Oh, "Primer"! That movie will blow your mind! - Did you know that was made for $8,000? - No, I never heard that. The point, gentlemen, is that when Gamora does kill Saturn, all of your hard work will be for naught. What do you what do you mean "when"? Well, when Gamora gets my signal and kills all of you, of course. - Oh, God damn it! - Don't act so surprised. I have the know-how to engineer an army of death bots for Gamora, and she had the foresight not to feed me my own intestines during the Great Purge. Where does you pretending to be in a wheelchair fit into all of this? I I don't know. I I can't remember what I was trying to accomplish with that. I think [crashes] Oh, thank God. That was getting awkward. - Prepare to die. - Whoa. Well, I suppose we should get this over with. It would not be heroic to let the world be destroyed over one disgusting and pathetic sexual encounter. If you're trying to seduce me, try harder. I grow warm. [distorted] The fever approaches. Enter me, but do not expect me to move at all. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't know how it works in your world, but this red-blooded American male needs to be wooed. Wooed? Oh, sweet mother, I don't know if I can do this! Well, I'm not feeling very wanted. [growls] [demonic voice] Satisfy me, you weak-willed coward! Whoo! What do you know? That did it. Train to Pound Town, all aboard. Choo-choo! - Ranger, stop! - Rex, get out of here. I can't do this with an audience. Oh! Or can I? Human sexuality, huh? But maybe lose the fat guy dressed as Saturn. Or don't. I've got a real seam-ripper here. Stop talking and start thrusting! Wait, wait, wait, wait. If you consummate this, you'll destroy our world. - You've got it all mixed up, Rex. - I'll destroy the world if I don't. [roars] Or, more accurately, she will. Stay tight, fellas. M Maybe we all start kissing. - Come here, you. - Get [grunts] I'm afraid the death bots are the least of your worries. - Yeah, no shit. - Gamora wanted to finish you off herself. [screeches] [thud, break] [screaming] No! Black Saturn, you're looking well. Ah, Gamora, I- I think I broke my back. So you're the psycho that killed Rex in front of me or will, if I'm understanding how this all works. And you're the fool who thinks he can stop me. I can't feel my legs. It came true! Where is that chair? [roars] Her hormones have spiked to inhuman levels. You're quite literally battling a sex monster. Thanks for the fun fact, Robobot. But how do I [snarling] Out of my way! If I don't do this, it'll be armageddon! If you do, you're killing us all! [growls, roars] - Yah! [laughs] - Get after him! [laughs] Your feeble plans will only lead to your death. Well, we we all knew this could be a one-way trip, fellas. - No. I did not. - Run, Saturn. We'll begrudgingly sacrifice ourselves. I really wish I'd stayed in that pit now. No. - What? - Rex died because of me. - Refusing to run away, right. - It's time to make this right By getting the hell out of here so our mission can succeed? - by facing Gamora on my own. - God damn it! Hey, any interest in seeing a movie with me? Thinking of something in the horror genre. I've made my selection "The Ring"! And if we have time, "The Ring Two"! - God-awful. - Oh, it's embarrassing. [clangs] [screeches] [slowed] Saturn! [slowed] Shit, they're gonna bone! [Ranger, slowed] I can't wait to be inside you. [shouts] [screams] [gasps] [slowed] No! [clothing rips] - Oh, yeah - Bullseye. - What? - Impossible! No! He did it! The crazy son of a bitch did it! Oh, I guess that really was a seam-ripper. [coughs] Nobody move, look at, or say anything. My mind returns to me, but my gates were not infiltrated. How can this be? Unless Mother? Zenith will be angry when she finds out your stories of the world's end are false. I want a [bleep] grandchild. What do you want me to say? - How will we know if it worked? - It worked. I can feel it. I have one last thing to tell you. - I'm sorry. - For what? - For getting you killed. - What? I spent my youth showboating and spouting ridiculous one-liners. If you were smart, you'd kick me to the curb before I had a chance to Wait! I just changed the future! What? Before you had a chance to what? Never mind, Rex. I kick ass! - Always have, always will. Peace! - Wait! Oh! Before you have a chance to what?! Can't say it had anything to do with you, per se, but the job got done. Put her there, champ. A wedding ring? You're married? To who? Let's just say you know them - [emphatically] very well. - [hesitantly] Okay? Huh? Huh, long hug. Wait, b-before you go! Don't tell anyone anything about this future! You risk changing the timeline! Oh, I hope that wasn't important. and you were dead. And you were dead. And you you were really mean to me. - You probably deserved it, dude. - Mmm. Maybe he did. This thing is ice-cold. Zenith must be in big trouble for disobeying her mother. You didn't learn anything about my future, did you? - Nope. - Fantastic. Look on the bright side. The future is wide open now. Heck, who knows? You could even become president. President? Hmm. I can't wait to see Rex. We did it. The future is saved. Yeah, you know, I'm still kind of worried your younger self is gonna do something stupid and affect the timeline. Huh. It doesn't sound like something I'd do. [lasers blast] Future Ranger: You have broken curfew. Your punishment is death! So says President Ranger! What?