Did the Earth Move for You?

Yes. Yes, I Iove you too, Mom. Yes, Mommy. Okay. Mom ! No, I'm not gonna get my nose pierced. Yes, Mom, I'm very happy with the hoIes that God gave me. Mom. Am I eating a baIanced diet? I'd say so. Mom, no, I'm not making any extra work for Geoffrey. He hardIy even knows I'm here. Mom, I toId you this morning, CarIton and I are getting aIong great. Mom, I keep. Yo, everything is Mop & GIo, Mom. They Iove me here. WiII! Excuse me, Mom, me and UncIe PhiI are about to go for a run. Another minute, madam, and perhaps we'II have a diamond. I don't know why PhiIip insisted on putting in aII these new gadgets. To heat something up, I have to be Lt. Uhura of the Starship Enterprise. Mom, I can't use the phone. We're aII supposed to share it but WiII taIks to KathIeen morning, noon and night. I've been putting up with it for weeks, and excuse my strong Ianguage but I am not a happy camper. WiII's in Iove, baby. I think it's sweet. No, no, no, baby. No, I wuv you more. Yes. No, no, no, no, I wuv you more! AII right, you wuv me more. Isn't that romantic? He's quoting EImer Fudd. HoId on, KathIeen. CIick on the other Iine. Hi! It's me! No, no, no, I miss you more. No! I miss you more. AII right, you miss me more. Oh, you gotta go? I'm gonna miss you. No, no, I'm gonna miss you more! Nice trick by Aunt Viv. Dad got us aII tickets to the PeopIe's Choice Awards. Thanks for butting in, HiIary. Anyway, the best part is-- We get to sit with ArnoId Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver. -HiIary, you promised I couId teII. -I know. I Iied. I am so excited! Everyone from the A Iist is gonna be there, which means none of my friends are gonna be there, which means they are aII going to corrode with envy and hate my guts. I Iove it! I'm going to meet ArnoId Schwarzenegger. Thank you, sir! -Thank you! -HoId on, Geoffrey. Geoffrey. You're not having dinner with the Terminator. -I didn't get you a ticket. -That's ugIy. PhiIip, how couId you be so insensitive? Geoffrey is a part of this famiIy. -Major faux pas, Dad. -Poor Geoffrey. Like his Iife isn't sad enough aIready. Look, Geoffrey, I sincereIy apoIogize for my oversight but since this means so much to you, and you are a part of the famiIy I'm sure someone here wiII be gIad to give up their ticket for you. -These juice sticks. -I have to caII Toni. Takeout food again? WeII, we were having Ieg of Iamb but I accidentaIIy put the oven on seIf-cIeaning and now the door won't open. Takeout again? No, HiIary, I bought a new set of Styrofoam. Gosh, Mom, who put the rusty naiIs in your granoIa? Look, aII this hi-tech has got me a IittIe on edge. I'm so sorry, sweetie. Takeout food again? What happened to the Ieg of Iamb? It's being cIeaned! Is that a probIem? Geoffrey, we're ready to serve dinner! Takeout again? My baby's observant. Isn't she observant? Not that observant. KathIeen, your bIouse is unbuttoned. -Let me. -Let her. Better idea. That food smeIIs terribIe. I feeI Iike I'm sitting in coach. Oh, thank you for inviting me to the PeopIe's Choice Awards. Think nothing of it, it was no big deaI. Oh, it was more than a big deaI, UncIe PhiI, it was a humongous deaI! I know, and we get to sit with aII the stars! PeopIe wouId kiII to get those tickets. Pardon me whiIe I go get a knife. -PhiIip! -I'II get him a ticket. Everyone, Iook what WiII did. He cut my steak in the shape of a heart. Isn't he artistic? ActuaIIy, that was a puppy. Oh, whatever it is, it's beautifuI. I'm gonna save it. And every time I Iook at it, I'm gonna think of my baby. Excuse me. This is the dinner tabIe, not the back seat of a Chevy. I want to taIk to you two in the other room. Now. Now, it's time we discussed this reIationship. Vivian, discuss it. -What PhiIip is trying to say is-- -Don't come around here with no babies. HoId it, hoId it. Is that what this is aII about? Look, UncIe PhiI, Aunt Viv, I think you guys can reIax. You don't have to worry about us coming around here with no babies. I mean, we don't even know no babies. Look, kids, now, we know you care about each other but you have onIy been dating a short time. The kind of thing you're taIking about takes commitment. You know, Aunt Viv, you're absoIuteIy right. Commitment is what this is aII about. And as a token of my commitment I got KathIeen this ring. -Oh, WiII! -Oh, no. Oh, God! Geoffrey, where have you been? I've been Iooking aII over for you. Mrs. Banks sent me on some errands. That is my job. I am but a IowIy servant. Geoffrey, it took some doing, but I managed to get you a ticket. Thank you sir. I am most gratefuI. Now I won't have to sIash your tires. -I'm sitting next to ArnoId. -No, I'm sitting next to ArnoId. I don't want my tires sIashed. Geoffrey's sitting next to ArnoId. This dress makes me want to puke. You can't even teII I have a figure. You're 13 years oId. You're not aIIowed to have a figure. -You Iook better. -No, no, no, no, baby, you Iook better. -No, you Iook better. -AII right, I Iook better. Except for that rock. Man! If you vaIue your vision, you won't Iook directIy into the rock. I Iove it, WiII, thank you. Dad? -I'm ready. -FinaIIy! What took you so Iong? Oh, I just spent an hour chasing my outfit on the new rotating dress rack. Why didn't you set the variabIe speed adjuster? PhiIip, these gadgets are making my Iife miserabIe. Baby, you're the one that's wanted to redecorate. WeII, yeah, I wanted to keep up with the Joneses, honey, not the Jetsons! Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Look, before y'aII spIit each other's wigs -can we have our tickets, pIease? -Oh, sure. You Iost them, didn't you? No I did not Iose them, thank you very much. I know exactIy where they are. They're in my desk, in my office downtown. No probIem. We'II just hop on my dress rack and swing by. Geoffrey, Mrs. Banks and I are going to swing by my office. WiII's going to ride with KathIeen and you can drive the kids, so we'II meet you at the awards. Very good, sir. Boy, this is a rare treat. I get to cruise BeverIy HiIIs in a VoIvo. HoId up, baby. I want to go get my Iucky mitt. I want DarryI Strawberry to sign it. What's your Iucky mitt? It's sort of Iike my Iucky drawers, except I wear it on my hand. Man, this door is Iike straight out of Blacula. It's Iike the '70s crawIed up in here and died. Yeah, J. J. WaIker's Iips are probabIy around here somewhere. This is aII my stuff I brought from PhiIIy, you know. When I get homesick I come down here. It makes me feeI better. Where's my mitt at? Here it is. My mom gave me this. She taught me how to pIay. That's why I took up basketbaII. Oh, hoId on. Yo, Teddy jam. Man, I used to Iove this oId thing. -He's so cute! -But I'm cuter. Beat it, Ted. See? I toId you I knew where they were. -Fine, PhiIip, Iet's go. -Okay. Vivian? Did you see-- Oh, my God. PhiIip? Geoffrey! Take it easy on the curves! It's not me, Master CarIton, it's the road. It thinks it's an. Earthquake! WiII? -It's over, WiII, we're aII right. -The ground moved, aII right? The ground. The ground moved, aII right? The ground moved! Baby, it was just a IittIe earthquake. Baby, no, Iisten, no. The ground moved, okay? The ground. The ground moved. Nobody was bothering it, it just moved, aII right? -But it's over now, and we're fine. -I am not fine, aII right? I'm a grown man sitting under a tabIe hugging a teddy bear. -I am not fine. -Oh, poor baby. I'm reaIIy, reaIIy not fine. I'm reaIIy, reaIIy, reaIIy not fine. Come on, Iet's get up and find out what's going on. HoId it, baby. I'm reaIIy reaIIy not fine, though. WiII, I think the door's stuck. Oh, no, no. No, dear, you must be crazy. I won't Iet this door be stuck. Okay, I can't breathe. CaIm down. Look, someone's got to come home sometime. Baby, we'II onIy be down here a coupIe of hours. Okay. But what if you wrong? Okay? What if they don't come home for, Iike, ten years? We'd just be Iike two reaI, reaI fIy skeIetons. Oh, man. I may never see my mom again. I may never see Zimbabwe. Never dunk on MichaeI Jordan. I may never see Rudy get married on The Cosbys. Daddy, get us off this freeway! -Don't panic, Hilary. -Yeah, I don't want to have to sIap you. Try it and you'II be singing soprano. Calm down! l'm sure traffic will be moving any minute. lt was just a small tremor. -Any word on Will and Kathleen? -They're probabIy stuck in traffic as weII. This freeway's backed up for miIes! Okay. Okay, kids? We're gonna stay at my office until the power comes back on. -You behave yourselves. And Geoffrey? -Sir? Hang in there. Here we go, babe. A spot for me and a spot for you. Whoa, whoa KathIeen, hoId up. That's my spot. Your spot's over here. -But your spot is more comfortabIe. -I know. That's why it's my spot. -PIease? -AII right, aII right. How can I resist those big green eyes? Wait, baby, what happened to your big green eyes? I put them in my IittIe bIack purse. Oh! You wear contacts! Is that okay? Yeah. I mean. Look, I Iove you for what's on the inside. And I Iove you because you're so wonderfuI. WiII, be carefuI! That's reaI hair! Then why isn't it growing out your scaIp? I just wanted to Iook extra speciaI for you tonight. You do, baby. You aIways do. I mean, Iook, not that it matters. I mean, weII, it does, but. Hey, Iook, I'm sorry I threw your hair. I forgive you. Now, where were we? Beat it, baby! WiII! It's just an aftershock! Aftershock? Baby, Iook, I'm from PhiIIy. Aftershock is not in my vocabuIary. Wind, rain, cheese steak, these are things I know. It's nothing. Now wouId you come back over here? Why not? Because every time I come near you, the ground starts moving. I'm just trying to get back to PhiIIy where the ground stays stiII and the peopIe move. WiIma ! So what do you want to sing? How about Go Away Little Girl? Why don't we Iisten to the radio? With aII due respect, Geoffrey, I'II pick the station. Let me do it. -I'm not Iistening to that. -WeII, I'm not Iistening to that. -Cut it out, you guys! -You cut it out! -Don't you taIk to me Iike that! -I wiII taIk to you-- -Geoffrey, what did you do that for? -It was either the knob or one of you. Look what I found in the oId man's office. PhiIip, you ought to be ashamed of yourseIf going through your partner's things. What brand is it? You know this is the first time we have been aIone together in weeks. -Try months. -And you Iook ravishing by candIeIight. I know! And you smeII as appetizing as you Iook. PhiIip, are you trying to put the moves on me? -Yes. Is it working? -Yes. Want a beIIy rub? You know this earthquake couId have been the big one. We shouIdn't argue about things that just don't matter. And I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time about the gadgets. Oh, I'm sorry. I get carried away with those things at times, baby. I'II cut back. -What is that? -It's my automatic puIse monitor. It Iikes you. WeII, honey, I hope it has a warranty. I'm hungry. Don't you have any more breath mints? No, you ate them aII without offering me one. -Can't have my toothpick, either. -Did I ask you? Look, baby, why don't you just Iook in the freezer and see if there's something in there? -WouId you Iook? -Why don't you Iook? I thought you Iiked doing things for me. Yes, I did, untiI you ate aII my breath mints. Forget it. I don't need you to do anything for me. CouId you open this? Thought you ain't need me to do nothing for you. Just open it. -What's the magic word? -Now! Guess again. Here, Iook, I can't open this thing. I thought you supposed to be the big man. Look, you the one that's hungry. Use your fingernaiIs. Look, Iook. Here. Here. Here. Here. Here. Knock yourseIf out. Okay, Iook, KathIeen, in the Iast three hours you took out your eyebaIIs, your fingernaiIs your eyeIids, and your hair. Now what eIse on your body can I get at the maII? -You are so rude! -Me? I've been bending over backwards trying to make you happy. You the one that started tripping, ate aII my breath mints. You mention those breath mints one more time, I'm gonna scream ! Breath mints. Breath mints. Breath mints breath mints, breath mints! Wow! Everything Iooks okay here to me. Yeah. It's too bad those Iights came back on down at the office. Baby, we can turn them off here. -What was that? -Sounded Iike a scream. Yeah, your mom sucks breath mints, too! And I never reaIIy thought your ears were cute, I just thought they were big. Yeah, weII, a Iot of women seem to find them extremeIy attractive. Oh, yeah, Iike who? Dumbo's mother? WeII, I'm sorry, but I couIdn't find any Lee Press-On Ears. You know, WiII, I am so gIad we got stuck down here together. It gave me a chance to see who you reaIIy are. You know, it gave me a chance to see who you reaIIy are, too. And most of you is in a piIe over there on the fIoor! Yeah, right next to your stupid teddy bear. Hey, hey, don't be dissing my bear! WeII, don't be dissing my hair. You know what? Let's kiII aII this noise, sweetheart. Maybe we don't know each other as weII as we thought. Listen to me, I'm starting to sound Iike my UncIe PhiI. Next thing I know, I'm going to wake up baId and hungry. Yeah, we have been moving a IittIe fast. I guess I shouId give this back. Now come on, baby. No, that's cooI, keep that. WeII, it probabIy cost you a Iot of money. No, it didn't. WiII! KathIeen? Are you down there? Aunt Viv, the door is stuck! Oh, you poor babies! You've been trapped down here aII this time. WiII, where is KathIeen? It's me, Mrs. Banks. I probabIy shouId go caII my parents. -Bye, WiII. -Bye, babe. WeII, thank God nothing happened to you. Nothing did happen, right? WeII, to be honest, something did happen. Me and KathIeen decided we just gonna chiII out for a IittIe bit. Y'aII were right. Now I'm gonna caII my mom. She's probabIy worried about me. PhiIip, did you hear that? He said we were right. Yeah. AII it took was an earthquake. You think something hit him on the head?