Ribbitless / The Clawfice

(Segment begins at the world in space)

Narrator: What if you could access all your brain, (The Scene slowly goes into world from city into a park) be the best you you could be? Well, that's what happened to me. I'm that guy in the park.

(Scene goes to a man sitting on a bench)

Narrator: No, no, not that guy. That guy.

(Scene goes to frogs - one of which isn't feeling 100%, what with the X's for eyes and all)

Frogs: (Ribbit)

Narrator: I'm sure all frogs look alike to you, but trust me, I don't look good...

Frog: (Ribbit)

Other Frog: (Ribbit)

Frog that looks dead: (Blows bubble with mouth full of water)

Narrator: ... until one day when, (Scene goes to frogs eating flies) instead of snacking on flies, I accidentally ate a butterfly.

(The Kermit-to-be snaps his tounge on the butterfly, and the moment he gulps it down... things were about to change.)

(Scene goes to the almost dead frog brain, where it shows the DNA and him transforming into the Kermit we know and love today.)

Narrator: Not only did I become smarter, but I was taller, leaner, and I could talk.

(Scene goes to the almost dead frog transforming into Kermit)

Kermit the Frog: (With waving his hands around) Hey-oh!

(Record scratches and Kermit blocks his mouth)

Narrator: Even if I did sound different than I thought I would.

(Scene goes to the title card "Ribbitless")

(Scene resumes to Kermit with a banjo)

Narrator: I taught myself how to play the banjo overnight and even wrote a really great song about a rainbow.

(Scene goes to Store and Kermit holding two songs... realizing there are many rainbow-themed songs before him.)

Narrator: Turns out I wasn't the first.

Kermit the Frog: Ohh! Why are there so many songs about rainbows?

(Scene goes to Kermit walking with signs appearing and disappearing)

Narrator: I needed to get out, find out more about the world I was living in. And guess what: turns out it's awesome.

(Kermit stops at a door open (because a guy holding it) leading to a Nightclub and goes in)

Kermit the Frog: ♫ (Dancing) If you like it, then you should have put some green on it (Slaps butt for the three ohs) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. ♫

(Kermit starts to dance the same moves again)

Narrator: I was alive. I was special. Surely, there was no other creature out there that could do the things that I--

(Kermit stops dancing)

(Scene goes to Miss Piggy dancing the same moves as Kermit)

Narrator: Uhh... She was a vision. Her hair like silk.

(Scene goes to Kermit amazed with hearts as eyes and sweating)

Narrator: And if I know anything about women, probably had a voice to match.

(Kermit runs to Miss Piggy)

Miss Piggy: (In a Shrill voice) What's up, frog?

(The windows shatter from Miss Piggy's horrid voice and people take cover)

People: (While Ducking) Ahh!

Miss Piggy: I'm Miss Piggy.

Narrator: (Kermit shrugs shoulders) This voice thing still takes me by surprise.

Kermit the Frog: I'm Kermit. Hey, you didn't accidentally eat a...

(Bell rings)

Miss Piggy and Kermit: Butterfly?

Kermit the Frog: Yeah, I knew it! Me, too! Then I taught myself how to ride a bicycle in a day.

Miss Piggy: I taught myself karate in a hour. See? Hyah!

(Miss Piggy hits Kermit causing him to fly)

(Scene goes to Fozzie Bear on stage)

Fozzie Bear: Ahhh. So the tiger said, "If he's got my blood, does that mean my fur has his sheen?"

(Drums beat)

Fozzie Bear: Wocka-wocka!

(Kermit flys past the brick wall and lands in Fozzie's mouth. Also crowd laughs)

(Fozzie takes Kermit out of his mouth)

Fozzie Bear: Oh, thank goodness. I'm dying here.

Narrator: Whoever he was, he was right. Whatever was making us talk probably wouldn't last forever. I'd to make my mark while I still had the chance.

(Miss Piggy appears at wall Kermit flew through)

Miss PIggy: Kermie, are you OK?

Kermit the Frog: Miss Piggy, I need your help.

Miss Piggy: Oh, moi?

Kermit the Frog: I want to... audition for "American Idol."

(Record scratches)

Fozzie Bear: Not the direction I thought this was headed.

(Scene goes to a camera figure and in an apartment)

(Fozzie cleans camera)

Kermit the Frog: Hope you don't mind us using your apartment, Fozzie.

Fozzie Bear: As long as you don't mind that it's a five-floor whaka whalk-up!

(Drums beat)

Miss Piggy: Are you sure you ate a butterfly?

Fozzie Bear: Maybe it was a moth.

(Fozzie and Miss Piggy walk away and camera scene goes to Kermit)

Fozzie Bear: 'K, "American Idol" audition, take one!

Kermit the Frog: (Dancing) ♫ If you like it, then you should have put some green on it. ♫

(Kermit continues to do his dance from before only Narrator talks over him.)

Narrator: This was it. I was on my way. One look at this tape, and they were gonna...

(Scene goes to Kermit reading a paper)

Kermit the Frog: Turn me down?!

Miss Piggy: What? How come?

Fozzie Bear: (Takes paper from Kermit) Says here they don't allow animals.

Miss Piggy: How low can they go?

Fozzie Bear: About J-Low.

(Drums beat)

Fozzie Bear: Ahh!

Kermit the Frog: Forget it. We don't need them. We are super-intelligent creatures. And we'll gather all the other super-intelligent creatures and make a talent show that's even better than theirs.

(Scene goes to a curtain then a title card saying "The Muppet Show")

Kermit the Frog: It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Bradley Cooper!

Bradley Cooper: (Gives a wave kiss)

Kermit the Frog: Yay!

(Curtains open to reveal animals dancing)

Animal Muppet Group 1: ♫ We don't need Ryan Seacrest, that show is past its prime, it's time to leave the airways or the judges lose their minds ♫

(One animal holds picture of judge)

Animal Muppet Group 2: ♫ We all can sing and dance now, we've become super smart, our voices still sound goofy, but at least it is a start ♫

(Boing)

(Scene goes to Statler and Waldorf on top of stage)

Waldorf: Hmm. I guess this makes me Steven Tyler.

Statler: Really? It makes me sick to the stomach!

(Both men laugh)

(Alfred plays a single note and segment ends)

(Scene starts with the cast of the Office sitting in chairs. Also in the background we can hear telephones ringing.)

(Jim walks in the room)

Jim Halpert: What's going on?

Pamela Morgan: Video conference.

Jo Bennett: (On monitor) Sit down, Jim. I've got some news. Ever since Michael left, we haven't found a suitable replacement, so I'm merging you guys with the Westchester Office.

(The people start to wonder and get worry. Also the scene zooms on Andy Bernard)

Jo Bennett: Their team leader seems like a good fit.

Oscar Martinez: I didn't know there was a Westchester branch.

(Somebody claws the door from the outside and then breaks it to reveal Wolverine... the beginning of a mutant mess in the office!)

Wolverine: There's a lot you don't know, bud, which is why we're slashing jobs.

(Wolverine picks up Oscar and throws him out the window)

Oscar Martinez: Uh. Ahh!

Wolverine: (Panting)

(Scene goes to Pamela and Jim looking scared while Wolverine is breathing)

(Scene goes to Jim Halpert in an alone room)

Jim Halpert: I can't wait to see what they're gonna call this mess.

(The scene goes around to see the setting of the place while the theme song plays)

(Wolverine inside his office slides a trophy of himself on the desk)

(Scene then goes to a sign with a man and another man in a wheelchair and then to the title card "The Clawfice" with Wolverine slashing it once)

Wolverine: Everybody, meet the Westchester Team.

(Scene goes to the X-Men team)

Jim Halpert: The X-Men? You guys sell paper, too?

Storm: Uh, it's called Xavier's School for the Gifted. Selling paper just happens to be one of our "gifts".

Wolverine: Plus I'm 150 years old. Do you know how many jobs I've had?

Ryan Howard: No, I don't.

(Cyclops shoots laser out of his mask and it hits Ryan, destroying him and leaving a hole in the wall)

Wolverine: In the world of sales, you've got to know things. You also have to hustle and be able to control the weather.

Phyllis Lapin-Vance: Uh, how does that help with...

(Storm summons a lightning onto Phyllis, shocking her)

Phyllis Lapin-Vance: No further questions.

Wolverine: So here's the deal. Whichever team outperforms the other team gets to stay.

(Scene goes to Kelly Kapoor in an alone room)

Kelly Kapoor: At this point I don't even want to stay. But that Cyclops is cute.

(Scene resumes to Wolverine in another room)

Wolverine: Let the games begin.

(Scene goes to Pamela near a print machine)

Pamela Halpert: Paper jam!

(Jim comes with a screwdriver to fix it)

(Dwight Schrute runs in)

Pamela Halpert: I need this to go to shipping.

(Dwight runs with paper)

(Scene goes to X-Men team)

Jean Grey: I need a staple remover.

(Wolverine cuts it and removes staple)

(Nightcrawler jumps in)

Jean Grey: I need this to go to New York.

(Nightcrawler poofs out of existence, all the way to New York)

(Scene goes to Rogue and Storm)

Storm: Rogue, touch one of them so you can absorb their knowledge of the office.

(Rogue touches Meredith Palmer and absorbs her)

Rogue: Suddenly I'm depressed. I don't feel like doing anything.

Meredith Palmer: Honey, come with me. I've got just the thing.

(Scene goes to Andy and Iceman)

Andy Bernard: You'd like 37 orders? Excellent.

Iceman: Better freeze him in his tracks so I can catch up.

(Angela Martin runs in)

Angela Martin: Forget it, pal. I'll give you a cold stare like you've never seen before.

(Angela begins her cold stare which freezes Iceman. Ouch!)

(Scene goes to Stanley Hudson and Beast doing crossword puzzles)

Beast: You know, I've never been able to finish one of these.

Stanley Hudson: Probably 'cause you're working too hard. Gotta spend more time focusing your thoughts.

(Scene goes to Wolverine in an alone room... with Jim)

Wolverine: My team is getting destroyed!

Jim Halpert: Actually, it's a lot cuter if you say it like this: "Can you believe my team is getting destroyed?" (Shrugs hands)

Wolverine: (Facepalm) Aargh! You even give testimonies better than us.

(Scene goes to Cyclops without his visor)

Cyclops: (While knocking stuff down) Where's my visor? Where's my visor?

(Scene goes to Dwight Schrute wearing Cyclop's visor in an alone room)

Dwight Schrute: I've written enough Sci-fi fan fiction to know when a cool trade is in order.

(Scene resumes to Dwight's glasses on table)

Cyclops: Oh, here it is.

(Cyclops picks up Dwight's glasses and automatically shoots laser out of his eyes, making a destruction on his team's property.)

X-Men Team: (Screaming)

(Scene sees a boom in front and when it goes away, we see Nightcrawler holding a surrunder flag for the X-Men team)

Wolverine: Well, I guess I know who my new team is.

(Scene goes to the Office cast wearing costumes with hero/success music playing)

(Scene goes to Wolverine in an along room)

Wolverine: But let's face it, those members rotate so often, who can keep track?

(Scene resumes to Wolverine and the New X-Men team. Also hero/success music is still playing)

Wolverine: Never forget, your job is to sell paper, take inventory, and of course, defeat Magneto.

New X-Men Team (Office Cast): What?

(Scene goes to Magneto appearing and getting ready to attack)

New X-Men Team (Office Cast): AAH! IT'S MAGNETO!

(Back to Wolverine in an alone room.)

Wolverine: That's what she said.

(Segment ends)

5-second Cartoon
Miss Piggy: Kermie, do you have opening night butterflies?

Kermit the Frog: A little.

Miss Piggy: GIVE ME SOME!

(Miss Piggy takes bag of butterflies and begins to eat it.)