Breaking Up Is Really, Really, Really Hard to Do

Opening Credits

[SCENE – Chubbie’s. Cory reads an invitation to a party to Shawn, who sits at a nearby table]

Cory: (Reading) “Stephanie and Todd invite you to a dinner party at Todd’s place. Couples only.” Shawn, that’s discrimination! It leaves out a lot of people who have committed themselves to the single life. People like you and me! (Camera pans out, revealing Shawn making out with a girl at his table)

Shawn: (Stops kissing, looks to Cory) Huh?

Cory: (Slightly dejected) People like me… (Points to self meekly)

Shawn: Remember in health class, that section on movement of blood? (Looks to the girl, then back to Cory) I understand it now. (The girl, smiling, walks away)

Cory: (Slaps the invitation on the table, sits) Fine. Bail on your best friend.

Shawn: Cory, just ask a girl and you can go, too. Look, there’s Wendy. (Gestures to a booth where Wendy sits with a friend) You know her, you like her. Ask her to be your girlfriend.

Cory: Just for the party? That’s not right.

Shawn: It is right, you’re supposed to do that. You’re thinking too much. Do what I do – don’t think. (Smiles, pats Cory’s back)

Cory: (Stands, walks over to Wendy’s table, where Wendy is now alone) Wendy, hi.

Wendy: Oh, hi, Cory.

Cory: Um, listen, Stephanie and Todd are having this party (hands Wendy invitation) and I was wondering if you would like to go with me.

Wendy: Well, Cory, this invitation says “couples only.” (Hands the invite back)

Cory: Oh, that. Well, if we went to the party together, then we’d be a couple. (Sits across from Wendy)

Wendy: I think you’re just looking for a date.

Cory: No, I’d really like to go with you.

Wendy: So you wanna be a couple with me?

Cory: (Shrugs) Sure.

Wendy: (Stands excitedly) You do?

Cory: (Nonchalantly) Yeah, I do. (Stands)

Wendy: I do, too. This is wonderful, Cory. (Kisses his cheek) Is it okay if I go tell all my friends?

Cory: Sure, and I’ll tell all of mine. (Wendy exits) Shawn! (Holds out arms, walks over) Hey, look at me! I’m a couple! (Puts hands on hips like a superhero)

[SCENE – Matthews’ living room. Eric sits on the couch with Amy on one side of him and Alan standing over him]

Eric: Look at me, I’m alone.

Alan: (Holding an envelope) And you will be until these grades come up. Now, until I see some letters closer to the front of the alphabet, you’re not going out on any more dates.

Eric: (Sadly) Mom… Mommy… (Sinks into Amy’s embrace, looking pitiful)

Amy: (Stroking Eric’s hair) Oh, Alan, how can you be so cruel to my sweet little baby?

Alan: Well, it was your idea. (Amy smiles evilly and Eric looks surprised as their eyes meet) Eric, you can’t rely on your looks to get you through life.

Eric: But all I want to be is a weatherman. (Pause) Okay, look, you guys made a valid point about my grades. But now I’d like the opportunity to present a compelling counter-argument you may not have considered.

Amy: (Nods) Go ahead.

Eric: (Suddenly crying) Don’t take away my girls!

[SCENE – John Adam’s High School hallway. Wendy waits outside the doorway while Cory exits the class. Cory walks past her, but Wendy steps forward and gets his attention]

Wendy: Cory!

Cory: (Turns around to Wendy) Oh, Wendy, hi!

Wendy: (Kisses Cory’s cheek) Cory, I wanted to tell you that spending time with you this week, well, it’s been the best week of my life.

Cory: (Smiles reflectively) Mine, too. (Brief pause) See ya. (Takes one steps away, is stopped)

Wendy: (Stopping Cory) Oh, wait, silly dilly. I wanted to ask you… Where’re you gonna be this summer? (Sits on a bench)

Cory: Uh, this summer? I don’t know, it’s so far off. (Sits) Why?

Wendy: Well, since we’re a couple, I was looking forward to spending the summer together.

Cory: Well, why don’t we wait and see how the spring goes first.

Wendy: (Shrugs) Okay. You know, spring is when love blooms.

Cory: (Nodding) I did not know that, thank you. (Bell rings) Oh, listen Wendy, can we talk about this later? (Stands to get away) I’ve got, uh…

Wendy: (Finishing Cory’s sentence, stands) Chemistry.

Cory: (Impressed) Yeah. Boy, you know my schedule better than me.

Wendy: (Giggles) You’re so cute. Now, straighten your collar (does it for him) and off you go. (A bit confused, Cory steps away) Cory! (Cory turns to Wendy) Didn’t you forget something? (Cory checks his fly to make sure it’s zipped, which it is) No, goose. Kiss kiss! (A bit confused, Cory walks to Wendy, kisses her on the cheek, then walks away stiffly) (Wendy exits the other way)

(Enter Feeny from the back of the hallway, and Turner from his classroom with a sports bag)

Feeny: Ah, Mr. Turner! Remember, mid-term grades are due next Friday.

Turner: I thought I’d give everybody A’s. That way, the parents are happy, the kids are happy. Nobody gets hurt.

Feeny: Hurt them. (Notices Turner’s bag) Y’know, I was a bit of a squash player in my day.

Turner: Well, I’m sure you were, George. What does that have to do with racquetball?

Feeny: (Taps forehead) Oh! Of course. My goodness, I guess I’m out of touch with current recreational sports.

Turner: Ah, no. Actually, from what I’ve seen on old engravings on the History Channel, squash and racquetball are really quite similar.

Feeny: Really?

Turner: Yeah.

Feeny: Same basic principle?

Turner: Oh, yeah. I’m sure and old squash player like yourself would pick it up in no time.

Feeny: Well, I’d certainly like to get in step with the times.

Turner: Well, look. I’m playing a friends today, how about tomorrow I take you out and show you how? That would give you enough time to get a doctor’s note. (Smiles)

Feeny: (Realizing Turners joke, feigns laughter) …You’re a funny guy… (Pause) You think there’s room on the court for my respirator?

Turner: (Laughing) Oh! (Still laughing, exits)

Feeny: (Walking away) What a chump! (Exits)

(Enter Eric, who goes over to his locker. There is a cute girl, Lori, following him. Eric opens his locker, Lori stops behind him)

Lori: Hi, Eric. (Eric stands up straight, but remains silent) Eric, it’s me Lori.

Eric: (Looking into his locker) I know who it is. Be kind and move on.

Lori: My parents are out of town. (Eric turns to Lori and squeals, suddenly slain) And I’ve been having trouble adjusting the temperature on my hot tub. (Eric squeals again in a similar manner) I thought maybe you could come over and help get the heat up.

Eric: (Meagerly) Lori, if you had any feeling for me, go home, get ugly. (Enter Jason, surveying the scene from far away)

Lori: (Disinterested) Okay, I’ll ask Phil. (Walks away. Eric, frustrated, closes his locker and begins banging his head on it over and over again)

Jason: (Approaches) (In mock superhero style) Lockerheadman! I heard your signal and came as quickly as I could!

Eric: (Turns to Jason) Jason, I’m going nuts. I mean, the more I try to study, the more I think about girls. Look at this. History? Perfect example look at this. (Opens books, shows Jason inside) Queen Victoria… Catherine the Great… Madam Curie! Are they yummy or what?

Jason: (Slight pause, sarcastically) Yummy!

Eric: (Turns page) Oh! And who is this raven-haired beauty?

Jason: (Looks at Eric squarely) That’s Leonardo da Vinci. (Eric looks closer, then shrugs acceptingly) (Dead serious) Stop that, you’re scaring me. Come here. (Begins walks with Eric next to him) I happen to know of a parentally acceptable, highly satisfying, dating substitute.

Eric: (Laughs incredulously) There’s no such thing! (Begins walking away)

Jason: Fine…

Eric: (Manically turns around and leaps over the stair banister to get beside Jason) HELP ME!! (Grabs Jason’s collar)

[Cut to a hair salon. Jason looks smug as Eric looks around skeptically]

Eric: A haircut? That’s your girl substitute? So if I was starving would you buy me pants? Look, thank you, Jason. (Pats his back) But I don’t need a haircut, alright? I’m outta here.

Jason: I think you need a haircut more than you need anything in your entire life.

Eric: Why?

(Enter Dominique from, behind Jason. Dominique speaks with a thick, sexy French accent, and is quite appealing herself)

Dominique: Hello, Jason. You’re back so soon.

Jason: (Excitedly) Helllooooooo, Dominique! (Smiles)

Dominique: (Sees Eric, gasps) Oh! And who is this (runs fingers through Eric’s hair) silky head of hair, hm?

Eric: (Enfatuated, slurs his speech) Eric Matthews…

Jason: (Speaking for Eric) Eric Matthews. My friend, Eric. He needs the full scalp treatment.

Eric: (Still slurring, laughs in agreement) He’s… scalp treatment… (Giggles)

Dominique: (Giggles, touches Eric’s cheeks) He’s cute. Come with me, sit. (Shows Eric to a chair while Eric giggles foolishly) There you go. You know, I like you’re friend. (Eric giggles loudly) You ready?

Eric: Uh-huh.

Dominique: Okay… (Throws a pink cover over Eric, begins running her fingers through Eric’s hair sensually) Mmm… Oh! You have very soft hair, Eric. Very full!

Eric: (Slurring) Thank you…

Dominique: (Tilting Eric’s head back) Okay, there we go…

Eric: (Entranced, childishly) Goodbye… goodbye!

[SCENE – John Adam’s High School cafeteria. Bunny approaches Cory, who is talking to Shawn, who sits on a table]

Bunny: Hi, Cory.

Cory: (Turns) Oh, Bunny. Hi.

Bunny: Can you help me with my English homework?

Cory: Sorry, I can’t tonight.

Bunny: (Disappointedly) Oh… (Walks away)

Cory: (Turns back to Shawn) What’s with the girls in our English class? That’s like the fifth one who’s asked me for help with the homework. (Sits on the table next to Shawn)

Shawn: Cor, are you that clueless?

Cory: Clueless? Obviously I’m the one that knows what the homework is.

Shawn: (Stands) They don’t want homework, they want you!

Cory: Why?

Shawn: Because you’re a couple! You’re off the market. They can’t have you, they want you more. (Walks to the soda machines)

Cory: (Following Shawn) What sense does that make?

Shawn: You’re hot. Use it, go for it. (Puts money in the machine)

Cory: But what about Wendy?

Shawn: How long have you been going out with her?

Cory: All week.

Shawn: Oh, break up!

Cory: Why? Wendy’s so cute. She’s adorable, she likes me.

Shawn: You are so superficial. End it this minute! (Walks to a table)

Cory: (Following Shawn) Why?

Shawn: Because a week’s too long to be going out with the same person. She starts waiting for you outside your class, she knows your schedule. In one extreme case, I even heard of a girl who wanted to know what the guy was doing next summer.

Cory: (Chuckles uncomfortably) What a loser! (Shawn walks away)

[SCENE – Turner’s class. All of the students settle in, including Cory and Shawn. Cory and Shawn drop their papers on Turner’s desk]

Shawn: So, you got the breakup note?

Cory: Yeah, but I just want to wait for the right moment to give it to her.

Shawn: She knows the breakup’s coming. She’s waiting for it. She probably wants it more than you. (Sits)

(Enter Wendy with a gift box)

Wendy: Hi, Cory! I bought you socks. (Hands him the box, kisses his cheek, and then sits in the desk in front of him)

Shawn: (Cory sits, displaying the gift to Shawn with a confused look) It’s a lovely parting gift.

(Enter Turner)

Turner: Okay, everybody! (Walks towards his desk) Do I have everybody’s poems on my desk here? (A student holds a paper out) Ah, thank you. (Takes the paper, then adds it to the pile in his hands) I thought what we’d do is read a few of them and then we’ll discuss them okay? (Sits) Okay, the first one up is Shawn Hunter. His poem is called “Welfare.” Okay. (To Shawn) You want me to read this out loud or just forward this to the guidance counselor?

Shawn: Read it. It’s some of my best work.

Turner: Okay, everybody… Buckle up. (Reading) “My uncle Ralph, he does not care, ‘cause twice a month he gets welfare. My uncle Chuck has nylon hair, he bought the rug with his welfare. (Skimming ahead) Old Corvair… long nose hair… (A bit disturbed) electric chair…” (Looks to Shawn inquisitively) That’s a very colorful family you got there, Shawn.

Shawn: I didn’t use their real names. That’s okay, right?

Turner: Oh, yeah. The less I know, the better.

Shawn: (Leans towards Cory, whispering) Give her the note.

Cory: (Whispering) Oh, right. (Takes the note from his pocket) Psst! Wendy. (Passes the note to Wendy)

Turner: Okay, moving on! Ah, here’s one written by Wendy Jansen. It’s called, “Leave Me and I’ll Die.”

Cory: (Suddenly looks terrified) (Whispering) Wendy! I need that back!

Wendy: Shh!

Turner: “Our love is a flower that blooms in the sun. Our love runs deeper than deep rivers run. Our love is so strong that it makes me cry. Leave me and I’ll die, I will die, die, die.” (Wendy smiles thoughtfully)

Cory: (To Wendy) you think I could have the note back?

Wendy: Oh, the note. Right. (Opens the note)

Cory: No, don’t…! (Sighs)

Wendy: (Reads the note, then suddenly looks horrified. Timidly raises her hand) May I… be excused…? (Quickly stands and exits running. Cory stands)

Turner: What’s going on?

Cory: We both had a lot of ice tea at lunch. (Exits into hallway)

[Cut to hallway, which is empty aside from Cory and Wendy. Wendy sits on the bench, Cory enters from Turner’s classroom]

Cory: Wendy, I’m really sorry. The note… I may not have said what I was hoping you’d think I meant to say.

Wendy: You mean you don’t want to break up?

Cory: No! (Sits next to Wendy) I mean, what gave you that idea?

Wendy: (Unfolds notes, tilts it to Cory) (Reading) “I think we should break up.”

Cory: Should not! See? (Writes on the paper) Not! Does this look like the face of a guy who wants to break up? (Makes a face that can only be described as reminiscent of Eugene Levy’s sexy face in “American Pie”)

Wendy: (Sincerely) I just love you face.

Cory: You do?

Wendy: Yes.

Cory: Then everything’s gonna be okay?

Wendy: (Stands) Well, I need a hug. (Cory stands and hugs Wendy) (While hugging) I hope our kids turn out as sensitive as you.

Cory: Me too. (Pause, realizes) Our what?!

[SCENE – Matthews’ living room. Cory and Shawn enter. Cory hangs up his jacket]

Shawn: So did you or did you not break up with Wendy? (He and Cory walks towards the kitchen)

Cory: No, but I have a plan. I’m gonna call her up and tell her things are moving a little fast, and I just need a few days by myself to think things over.

Shawn: It’s a good plan, how could it not work? (Cory opens the kitchen door, Wendy is there cooking with Amy and brandishing a large knife for chopping vegetables)

Wendy: Hi, Cory. (Chops a carrot) (Cory and Shawn simultaneously gasp and point)

Amy: Hey, Cor, look who’s here.

Shawn: (Laughs uncomfortable) It’s Wendy! And she’s holding a knife… (Puts hand on Cory’s shoulder)

Amy: Guess who’s fixing us dinner tonight.

Cory: (Laughing awkwardly) Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh…

[Cut to later, the family is eating in the kitchen. Eric isn’t there, but Wendy is]

Amy: Amy, these are terrific scallop potatoes.

Amy: I just mentioned to Wendy that they were Cory’s favorite and she just whipped them up from scratch.

Wendy: Well, maybe I could come over again and show you how to make them.

Amy: I’m sure I would like that.

Cory: Well, I’m sure I’d like that, too. In fact, why don’t we invite Wendy to move in and we could become one big happy potato-eating family.

Wendy: Well, I don’t just make potatoes, Cory. I can make fun stuff like… Belgian waffles.

Cory: (Excitedly) With whipped cream and strawberries?

Wendy: Whatever you like.

Cory: (Happily) Ooh! (Turns to his parents, smiling)

Wendy: My grandmother makes them for my grandfather. They’ve been together sixty-six years.

Cory: (Suddenly solemn) I’m on an emotional roller coaster.

(Enter Eric and Jason from the backyard)

Eric: (To Jason) So you think she’ll have an opening tomorrow?

Jason: I can call.

Eric: Call now.

Alan: (To Eric & Jason) Hey, guys. Where ya been?

Eric: (Defensively) Hey, I can get a haircut! As many as I want! (Looks suspiciously between his parents)

Jason: (Struggling for an explanation) Eric is the… cut… (chuckles uncomfortably) (To Eric) Let’s go. (He and Eric exit upstairs)

Amy: (To Alan) How bad is this?

Alan: Uh, let me finish dinner and then I’ll assess.

Amy: (To Wendy) The well-groomed boy there was…

Wendy: (Finishing Amy’s sentence) Eric. And his friend, Jason. Cory’s told me so much about him.

Cory: (Pause) When?

Wendy: (Takes Cory’s hand, to Amy) I hope out three kids turn out as wonderfully as yours have.

Alan: (Slightly staggered) You’ve decided on three children?

Wendy: Well, I’m one of three children and Cory’s one of three children, so I thought we’d keep the tradition alive.

Cory: (Laughs) (To Alan) Three kids, whaddya think about that, gramps?

Alan: (As he stands slowly, beckoning Cory with a finger) Uh… could you, uh… Come, Cory… with me… over… (Still carrying a fork with food, goes to the backyard. Cory follows)

[Cut to the backyard]

Alan: Nut case?

Cory: Ya think?

(The two reenter the kitchen and sit)

Alan: Oh, Wendy. Uh, don’t you think that, um, three children on Cory’s five-dollar-a-week allowance might be a little stressful during the holidays? (Laughs)

Wendy: (Chuckles) Mr. Matthews, we’re not going to get married anytime soon. We both have a lot of growing up to do.

Alan: Oh, well, I’m glad to hear that.

Cory: (To Alan) Mm, let her finish.

Wendy: We’re just gonna grow up together.

Cory: (To Alan) Wanna go outside again? (Stands, Alan gestures him down)

Morgan: (To Wendy) When you and Cory are married, will you be my sister?

Wendy: That’s right.

Alan: (Whispering to Cory) (Inhales sharply) Ooh, she’s got Morgan.

Amy: (About Wendy/Morgan) That is just so completely sweet.

Alan: (Quietly to Cory) Ahh, she’s got all the women.

Morgan: (To Wendy) Want to see my dolls, sis?

Wendy: I’d like that. (To the Matthews parents) Would you excuse me for a moment? (Stands, begins exiting with Morgan)

Amy: Of course, dear. Make yourself at home.

Cory: (Defeated) Yeah, move in. (Morgan and Wendy exit upstairs)

Alan: (Stands, leans in to Cory) Okay, okay. Family meeting. (To Cory) What the heck did you bring home?

Cory: (Pointing at Amy) She let her in!

Amy: (Stands) Oh, come on! She’s just a little girl playing house.

Alan: Amy, sweetheart, she’s a little blonde loon!

Amy: Nonsense! Look, if I thought there was anything to be concerned about, I would be the first one to sound the alarm.

Wendy: (Reenters with a photo, stands on the stairs) Mrs. Matthews, I found this picture of you in your wedding dress. Maybe someday I’ll get to try it on. (Exits upstairs)

Amy: (To Cory and Alan) Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

[SCENE – John Adam’s High School hallway. Feeny enters with Turner in tail]

Feeny: Come on, Jonathan! Young minds waiting to be taught.

Turner: Yeah, I’m coming. I’m coming. (They stop at the bench, Turner drops his bag weakly)

Feeny: Our little match didn’t take it all out of you, did it?

Turner: Oh, yeah, you’re some piece of work, George. (Mimicking Feeny) “Oh, I don’t know how I will adapt to this vastly different game. Am I standing the right way? Oh, look! Another point for me!” (Puts his knee up and rests on it)

Feeny: I believe it was your idea to make a small wager on the outcome.

Turner: You were old, I thought you’d lose!

Feeny: And I cleaned your clock. So…? (Holds out hand expectantly)

Turner: Yeah, you took me. (Takes out a bill) You hustled me. (Hands Feeny the money)

Feeny: (Laughs cruelly) Yes, I did. (Takes his bag and begins exiting, but stops halfway down the hall) Oh, by the way, Jonathan! I don’t shoot pool, either. (Laughs again, exits)

(Turner exits, Cory enters with Shawn from the back of the hallway)

Cory: So after she made us desert and read to us, I walked her home. And right there on the porch I laid it out. I said, “Wendy! It’s over. Forever.”

Shawn: How’d she react?

Cory: Well, she invited me in for oatmeal cookies, Grandma Jansen played the organ, and we all sang “Big Rock Candy Mountain.” (Shuffles gloomily towards the bench)

Shawn: Nice knowin’ ya.

Cory: You know they have four generations living in the same house? (Sits) The men don’t say much. (Bell rings)

Shawn: Listen, man, I’ve got class. Stay here, I’ll come back and get you. You sure you’re okay? (Walks away)

Cory: (Deadpan, to self) Yes, dear, I’m very happy… I don’t have to think about anything for the rest of my life…

[Cut to the future via wavy transition. In the future, Cory and Wendy are an elderly couple at a old-person restaurant. Cory and Wendy wear really funny old-people make-up and outfits. Cory always talks like an old Jewish grandpa. Cory is sniffing a roll. He then smiles, and throws it in his sweater and picks up another and inspects it]

Wendy: Cory, sweetheart, what are you doing?

Cory: What?!

Wendy: We don’t have to steal the dinner rolls.

Cory: Oh, they want you to take the rolls. (Throws a rolls in his sweater, picks up a cloth napkin)

Wendy: No, they don’t.

Cory: (Tucks the napkin in his sweater) At the prices they charge, they’re lucky we don’t take the silverware. (Takes the silverware)

Wendy: I know why someone’s cranky. I’ll have the waitress bring some prunes. (Cory takes the bread basket) (Wendy stands and goes to Cory’s side. She kisses his head, then walks away)

(Enter Shawn, also looking like an old man. He, too, speaks like an old Jewish grandpa, and does so loudly, as though he cannot hear well)

Shawn: (Standing about ten feet away) (Calling out) Cory?! Is that you?

Cory: (Takes some sugar packets) Shawn, who else would it be? You know I come here every day, 4:30 for the early bird special. And every day you ask, “Cory, is that you?”

Shawn: My mind’s not as sharp as it used to be. (Sits)

Cory: I got news, Shawn, it never was. (Takes more sugar packets) How’s the fish?

Shawn: (Grinning elatedly, rocking forward) Nice!

Cory: (Takes a small ceramic bowl) You know, Shawn, I used to envy you. Since we was young, you’ve dated thousands of women. And I’ve been married to Wendy for the past ninety years.

Shawn: Has it been that long?

Cory: Oh, yeah. (Takes some Tabasco sauce) Did you know the ninetieth anniversary is the potato anniversary? (Shakes some salt on his hand and sniffs it)

Shawn: No, I didn’t! How long ya been married?

Cory: (Looks up, confused) Who?!

Shawn: What?!

Cory: They want you to take the rolls! (Takes the salt shaker)

Shawn: (Pause) You and Wendy. A beautiful girl who’s been by your side since you were thirteen. And here I am, at the twilight of my life, alone… (An older woman walks by, catching Shawn’s attention) But maybe not tonight. I gotta go, she’s moving pretty fast. (Stands, calling after the woman) Miss Ludwig! (Runs after her, exiting)

Cory: (Takes the pepper shaker) (Wendy returns and places another basket of rolls and a jar of prunes on the table and sits) (Picks up the jar) Ah, prunes. This should get the through the day. (Puts the jar in his sweater)

Wendy: Honey, did you miss me?

Cory: Miss you? You haven’t been out of my sight for the past ninety years.

Wendy: Cory, has it been that awful?

Cory: Wendy, as I look back on our past ninety years together, and see how you gave me a wonderful home, three or four beautiful children, your left kidney, and a pair of beautiful socks…

Wendy: Did you like them?

Cory: Have I ever taken them off? (Puts his foot on the table and pulls up his pant leg, showing the sock, then puts his foot back down)

Wendy: No.

Cory: That’s love. So I just want to say, thank you for loving me and giving me a wonderful life. (Kisses her hand)

(Feeny, dressed as a waiter but looking completely normal aside from that, approaches)

Feeny: Empty your pockets, Mr. Matthews.

Cory: What?!

Feeny: Stealing the dinner rolls again! (Cory takes a rolls from his sweater and places it on the table) And the Sweet’n Low!

Cory: I didn’t take any Sweet’n Low!

Feeny: (Points at Cory’s pocket) What’s in that pocket?!

Cory: (Demoralized, takes a huge pile of Sweet’n Low packets from his pocket and plops them on the table. He then looks up at Feeny sheepishly) I bought these! (Shrugs)

[Cut back to the present, back to the hallway. Cory sits on the bench with his eyes closed, Feeny stands over him]

Feeny: Mr. Matthews. Mr. Matthews!

Cory: (Eyes closed, still talking like a Jewish grandpa) Okay, but I only took three bags!

Feeny: Mr. Matthews!

Cory: (Eyes closed, same voice) This is coming out of your tip! (Opens his eyes, slowly turns to face Feeny)

Feeny: Here’s a tip for you. Get to class!

Cory: (Stands) Oh, I’m late. (Begins rushing away) My wife is gonna be so upset. (Exits)

[SCENE – Chubbie’s. Cory takes two hamburgers and sits across from Wendy at a booth]

Cory: Here’s our food, sweetheart. (Gives them each a burger) I didn’t get any cheese on our burgers because of how you tell me it’s no good for me. And no red meat, either. See? Just rolls. (Holds open the barren hamburger buns to show Wendy)

Wendy: I just want what’s best for you, Cory.

Cory: Yeah, I know. I know, you’re just thinking of me.

Wendy: Ever since we first sat in this booth and you asked me to be a couple with you.

Cory: Yeah… Y’know, that seems funny now.

Wendy: Why?

Cory: Well, I guess it doesn’t matter now, but when I first asked you out…

Wendy: Mm-hm?

Cory: I wasn’t looking for a life long relationship. I just needed a date for the party.

Wendy: But that’s not what you told me.

Cory: Yeah, but Shawn told me I’m supposed to go out with lots of girls ‘cause that’s the right thing to do and that’s what girls want, too.

Wendy: (Horrified, shaking her head) Cory, it’s over.

Cory: What?

Wendy: Our relationship… is over.

Cory: Why?

Wendy: Because it’s been based on a lie. And that’s not something I wanna be a part of.

Cory: But what about our three kids? What about our life together and all the waffles?

Wendy: I’m sorry, Cory, but it doesn’t mean anything if it’s not something we both really wanted. (Gets up and exits)

(Enter Shawn, who passes Wendy as she leaves)

Shawn: (As Wendy runs by) Hi! (Wendy is gone, to Cory) Hey, Cory, where’s Wendy going?

Cory: We broke up.

Shawn: (Surprised) She let you go? (Sits)

Cory: Yep. For good.

Shawn: All right! Free man again, on the prowl. Tell you what. Tonight, you and me, the Wolensky twins. Party ‘till we drop. Whaddya say?

Cory: (Sadly) No, you go.

Shawn: Why?

Cory: Because… (Looks at his socks) I miss Wendy.

[TAG – The hair salon. Eric is talking to Dominique, who still has her French accent]

Dominique: I don’t understand.

Eric: (Sternly) It’s over. I can’t see you anymore.

Dominique: But you’re in the book. (Touches Eric’s cheeks) No, no, no, no, no. Come. Sit. We’ll talk while I shampoo. (Sits Eric in a chair)

Eric: (Jumps up) No! No, Dominique! Look, what we had here was wrong and I have to walk out of here with a dry head.

Dominique: But one quick rinse! No one has to know.

Eric: I’d know! Look, Dominique. Don’t you see one of us has to the strong and it has to be me. So don’t make me do something we’re both gonna regret.

Dominique: Eric, you’re making me angry. I will be very rough with you.

Eric: (Long pause, looking serious, then, suddenly happily) Okay. (Gets into a chair)

Dominique: Good boy. (Rubs Eric’s hair, throws the pink cover over Eric)

-End-