The Idol Side of Me

Well, there you have it, America. Tonight, we saw Ethan Williams sing his heart out with Shakira and win his own recording contract. Give him a hand. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Congratulations, Ethan. We'll see you after the show. Which means we have to say goodbye to these two adorable kids who really have a fine career ahead of them as long as it doesn't involve singing. And I mean it, guys. Not even Happy Birthday. Next week on Singing With The Stars, three new hopefuls get their shot at a record deal and a chance to sing with this teen pop sensation. Who is she? Hey, get up Me! Hannah Montana! See you all next week, and we'll really pump up the party! Hey, get up Get loud Start pumpin' up the party now I can't believe you're gonna be the celebrity singer on Singing With The Stars. That makes Hannah Montana just about the coolest person ever! - Must be you. - Must be you. Guys, bad news. Amber and Ashley's annual Cool List is out again. Well, that explains it. How far down did they put us this year? Keep going. Keep going. Keep Just skip to the last page. Oh, we're tied for dead last with Dandruff Danny. Is someone actually talking to me? Look away, look away! - Okay, see you later. - Where are you going? Look, I finally cracked the top 100. And there's no way I'm talking to people from the last page. Stop begging. I'll see you after dark. That boy flip flops more than a catfish in a moon bouncer. Oh, hey, look, everyone, it's a couple of last page losers in their native habitat. So sad. Still eating. As if they had a reason to live. Okay, that's it. Listen. This list is as bogus as the people who wrote it. Come on, everyone! Let's show Amber and Ashley that they can't tell us who's cool and who's not! Let's rip up these lists right now! Miley? I'm the only one doing it, aren't I? I'm with you, sister! (GRUNTING) How is he not below us? (SINGING) Come on! You get the limo out front Hottest styles, every shoe, every color Yeah, when you're famous it can be kind of fun It's really you but no one ever discovers Who would have thought that a girl like me Would double as a superstar? You get the best of both worlds Chill it out, take it slow Then you rock out the show You get the best of both worlds Mix it all together And you know that it's the best of both worlds (LAUGHING) So, maybe some people care about the list. But there are plenty of other decent people strong enough to think for themselves, and those are the people I want for my friends anyways. Like Sarah. - Hey, Sarah. - Oh, hi, guys. Listen, Miley, I'm really sorry but I can't be your lab partner. Today after school I have to read to the blind, serve punch at the blood drive and hose down cages at the animal shelter. Wait a minute, you read to the blind yesterday. I took an extra shift. Extra shift, my Aunt Petunia! You're just bailing on me because I'm last on Amber and Ashley's list. - Aren't you? - No, I'm not. Oh, no, here comes Amber. Sorry, I'm charitable, not stupid. Okay, bye. Great, even Saint Sarah is freezing us out! But, Amber, you have to come to my party. It'll be a total disaster without you. Oh, that is so true. But my mom let me audition for Singing With The Stars and if they have any taste, I'll be singing with Hannah Montana Saturday night. Okay. Well, I gotta go to the bathroom. I haven't looked at myself in like a half hour. Okay, so maybe we can't get rid of that stupid list, but I can make darn sure that Amber never gets to sing with Hannah Montana. (SINGING OFF-KE Y) By day, I play the part in every way Of simple, sweet, calm and collected! Or I can make darn sure she does. You could do that? Sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire. Amber likes to make fun of people, and I'm gonna make sure she knows what it feels like. Oh, boy! Once the world hears her sing, she'll be at the bottom of her own stupid list. Amber sounds like my pet pig, Luann, after she birthed her first batch of piglets. - I can't believe it. - I know, she's horrible. No, I can't believe you had a pet pig named Luann! We thought it was a Lou before the kids came. (SINGING) If we were a movie I'd be the best friend (OSCAR BARKING) If we were a (OSCAR BARKING) If we We Hey, Dontzig! Could you tell your dog to keep his opinions to hisself? Oh, is Oscar bothering you, Stewart? Yeah! Good boy, Oscar! (OSCAR BARKING) Please make it stop. (BARKING STOPS) Thank you. And about what I said in traffic this morning, she cut me off. Hey, Dad, I finally got that dog to stop barking. Just took that big T-bone from the fridge and chucked it over the fence. You mean the one that I dry rubbed, tenderized and marinated for 48 hours? No, the other one? Jackson Rod Stewart! (DOORBELL RINGING) I cook, I clean, I work my fingers to the bone and what's my reward? Hello, Stewarts. Oscar just wanted to thank you for the T-bone. Oh, and next time, he'd like a twice-baked potato on the side. Oh, that's right, baby. No sour cream, it gives him gas. (LAUGHING) (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) Sweet niblets, this is worse than the barking dog! (BOTH LAUGHING) - Hey. What's all this? - Hey. So, check it out. I took some of Hannah's concert speakers and I stuck them over in Dontzig's yard. Next time that little dog barks, he's gonna find out that my woofer's bigger than his. - You actually think this might work? - There's only one way to find out. Oh, look, there he is. (OSCAR BARKING) - Would you like to do the honors? - Don't mind if I do. (MIMICS DOG BARKING) (OSCAR WHIMPERING) - And that's how the big dog does it. - Oh, yeah. Hey, what's that little rat doing now? Hey! Get away from those speakers! Put your leg down. Put your leg Put your leg down! Well, it may be dark, but at least it's quiet. (OSCAR BARKING) (DOGS BARKING) Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is much better. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Cramp! I must've worked out too hard last night. Y'all just go on without me. I'm just gonna sit at this random table with these random people till the pain subsides. I miss you guys! - Listen, Oliver - Don't look at me when you talk. So, have you heard from the producers yet? Are they actually gonna let Amber be on the show? Hey, how's it going? Just resting a cramp. If you're not gonna look at us, we're not gonna tell you. Yeah, and it's really good. - Oliver! - Okay. All right. Not only is she gonna be on the show, guess who gets to give her the good news? Okay, this is so worth it! I know. I'm just waiting for the right mouthful of pasta salad. Oh, that's a good one! And send. Hide me. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Hey, Amber, it's Hannah Montana. Gross! The producers asked me to call you to tell you that you are one of the three lucky people performing with me on Singing With The Stars! Anywho, they'll call you with the deets. I can't wait to meet you. Thank you, thank you so much! Oh, don't be silly, you deserve everything you're gonna get. Bye. Hey, everybody, I'm gonna be singing with Hannah Montana on Singing With The Stars! Okay, who wants to hear the song I'm gonna sing on the show? (CLATTERING) I think we all do! I know I do! Well, if you insist. I mean (SINGING) By day, I play the part in every way Of simple, sweet, calm and collected - But she - Her voice - You said - I know But now Then who did you guys hear in the bathroom? (SINGING OFF-KE Y) The other side, the other side The other side of me I thought we had an agreement. No singing. Snaps and claps only. Okay, let's just calm down. Let's try to find the bright side in this. - I got nothing. - Me, neither. Sweet niblets. (SINGING) The other side, the other side I want you to see The other side, the other side The other side of me Yeah! That's great, Hannah. And after that you're gonna hug Amber Addison. Brian will say something he thinks is funny, try to laugh, it'll be over before you know it. Don't worry, I'm used to it. My dad gets all his jokes from bubble gum wrappers. Yeah, well, that would be a step up for Brian. Look, this must be where the losers stand. There's puddle stains from all the drippy nervous sweat. Lola! Would you please focus! Amber's got a real shot at winning this. And if she does, that list will be the least of our problems. - We've got to do something. - You think? - Whoa, that is so cool. What is it? - The beginning of the end. We enter through the smoke, Amber sings great, then you and I are on the bottom of the Cool List till we're seniors. And I'm talking blue haired, Bingo playing, mitten knitting seniors. Maybe. And maybe not. What are you up to? Remember my exploding volcano disaster at last year's science fair? Mount Saint Lilly? People were blowing lava out of their nose for a week. Well, if I could do that by accident, imagine what I can do to Amber on purpose. I'm imagining. And I'm liking. What the Hey, Dad. Say hello to Rocky. Hey, Rocky, you big, drippy horse, you. What are you doing in my Malibu dog house? I borrowed him from a friend. And then I invited Dontzig and his little yapper over to play. Wait till that little yapper finds out that he's playing lunch. Yes, he is. Son, I don't like that yapping little purse puppy anymore than you do, but I don't wanna see him swallowed whole. Don't worry, Dad. I've got his leash tied to my wrist. Rocky's not going anywhere. (DOORBELL RINGING) Well, as long you're sure it's just gonna scare him, I guess it's worth a shot. (GROWLING) (BARKING) Oscar, no! - Oh, is little Oscar scared? Not exactly. (OSCAR BARKING) (ROCKY WHIMPERING) Very thoughtful, Stewart. Osky needed a little exercise. - Yeah, well, so do you. - (SCOFFS) So do you. - Well, so do you. - (SCOFFS) So do you. - (SCOFFS) So do you. - So do you. - So do you. - So do you. So do you. Rocky, Rocky. Heel, heel, heel, heel. Rocky, whoa. Heel. Oh, boy. Go ahead, primp all you want, Little Miss Cool List. You're about to have a make-up malfunction people will be downloading forever. She won't get hurt or anything, right? Just her pride, nationwide. Nowhere to hide, humilified, sad inside. Are you done? Just remember, you go through the red and she goes through the green because she's mean like an evil queen. Now, I'm done. - How do I look? - Like a star. I can't believe you're about to sing in front of 30 million people. And that's just America. There's Canada and Europe and the Soviet Reunion. Okay, that is so stupid. The Soviet Reunion is in Europe. You know I'm not good in geology. I'm sorry, Ashley. I'm just nervous. Well, don't be. Forget about the fact that it's live. Forget that if you screw up, everyone in the whole world will be laughing at you. Just put that out of your head. It wasn't in my head. Until now. Oops. My bad. Have a good show. Hey, Amber! You all ready for your big number? Hannah, I can't do this. I can't go out there. Hey. Hey. Everything is gonna be fine as long as you go through the green arch. I repeat, green arch. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. I'm gonna screw up. I know I'm gonna screw up. Listen, sometimes I have these worries, too. But you know what two words always get me through it? Green arch. See you out there. Hey, come on. Get into position. It's gonna be a blast. You don't understand. - I can't be made fun of again. - Again? When has anyone ever made fun of you? Well, I know it's hard to believe looking at how beautiful I am now, but when I was a kid, I was the geeky girl with glasses, the one that everyone teased all the time. Really? How geeky? You wouldn't happen to have any pictures, would you? You know, because then I could feel your pain. No, I burned them all. And I'm always afraid it's going to happen again. So you make fun of people now because of what people did to you when you were a geeky little kid? - Yes. Yes, I do. - Well, you shouldn't do that. Don't you get it? When you fight fire with fire, all you get is a bigger fire. I know, and now I'm gonna flame out in front of America, Asia and the Soviet Reunion. - You mean Russia. - Oh, man, we're on there, too. Okay, listen. If I can promise you that you're gonna go out looking great, can you promise me that you're gonna be a better person? And then buy a globe? Yeah. But could you really make that happen? I can pretty guarantee you that you're gonna come out looking a whole lot better than me. Places! - Oh, no. Hey. You're gonna do fine. Just Just enter through the red arch. - But you said green. - And now I'm saying red. Just do it before I change my mind. Hey, remember, better person. And then a globe. Sweet niblets. And now our final contestant from Malibu, California. Give it up for Amber Addison! (SINGING) By day, I play the part in every way Of simple sweet, calm and collected (EXPLOSION) Pretend, to my friends I'm a chameleon (COUGHING) Can make a girl feel disconnected Feel like a star A super hero Sometimes it's hard to separate Got too much on my plate If you could see the other side of me I'm just like every I may have a used a little too much green. (COUGHING) You think? I've been thinking about it and you know what, I don't care what anybody else says, you're my real friends and I'm sitting with you. Hey, how's it going? I just dropped a taquito. Careful, green bean, you're showing. That's 'cause somebody didn't make this gunk so easy to get off! Don't blame me, blame science. What are you gonna do now? Not only did Amber win, she's gonna get a recording contract. All because you had to be a good person. I hate when you do that! Guys, don't worry about it, it's all gonna be worth it. Trust me. (MIMICS FANFARE) Ashley. Fine. Snaps and claps only. Anyway, as you all know, last night I was the big winner. But before that happened, I made a promise to myself and to my new best friend, Hannah Montana. - Still worth it? - Wait for it. So I'm doing something really drastic to the List. Wait for it. Dandruff Danny, you and your flakes are ahead of those flakes. I'm not at the bottom! In your face! (DANNY EXCLAIMING) Still waiting. Okay. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but at least she was being nice to somebody. That's it? You're not even gonna try to get her back? Come on, it's just a stupid list. Besides, I learned my lesson. When you fight fire with fire, you just get burned. I wish you would have told me that before. Before what? Well, I kind of arranged a little surprise for Amber. (EXPLOSION) Ew! Who did this? Come on, y'all, it's not funny. (GRUNTING) Although, I must say, I do love her in green. (SINGING) In the end we'd be laughing Watching the sunset fade to black Show the names Play that happy song Finally got that dang dog to hush up, didn't you? - Thank you, Son. - You're welcome. Next time, trim the fat. We've got our figures to worry about. Don't we, Osky baby? Come on, Osky wants another piece. Cut faster!