There's Something About Marrying

(SINGING) ♪ The Simpsons ♪

(TIRES SCREECHING)

D'oh!

(EXCLAIMING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

Some sucker will think he's getting beer, but he's really gonna get a face full of melon!

Seedless melon!

(LAUGHING)

Shh. Don't ruin the moment.

Oh, boy, free beer!

Oh, man.

(CHUCKLES)

Easy, Barney. Easy.

Remember the 12 Steps.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,11,12.

(GRUNTS)

Nice try, boys.

Now, as the Road Runner said to the Coyote, "Meep meep!"

(MOANS) Everyone in town is wise to us.

We need someone new we can prank.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GRUNTS)

(TRUCK RECEDING)

(CHUCKLING EVILLY)

Sweet. Fresh meat.

Meat's not sweet. It's savory.

Hi, bean sprouts.

The name's Howell Huser. I travel the country.

Gawking and talking, and I was hoping to take in your town.

We can show you around if you don't mind a heaping helping of local color.

Why my favorite color is local.

Ooh! Watermelon! Want to plant the seeds?

It's seedless.

(GROANS)

(GASPS)

(Howell) Radioactivity?

That means it's a place where we do radio activities.

(LET'S TWIST AGAIN PLAYiNG)

(LAUGHING) I'm happy to be exposed to that kind of radioactivity.

(LAUGHING)

You know, the fish here are so friendly, you can walk right up and feed them.

Hmm. (CHUCKLES)

Well, howdy, little feller.

(GROWLS)

OW! Oh! OW! Oh!

I can't wait till this is over! Ow!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I was thinking maybe we could visit the hospital now?

Perhaps a stick of gum will lighten your mood.

It always has in the past.

Ow!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Finger pain? I thought I had gum coming!

That tears it! (GROANS)

I've been smiling for 47 years, and you two broke my streak!

Shame on you, and shame on you.

And shame on your whole ill-mannered town!

Hey, that guy's shaming us.

My self-esteem sure didn't need that!

(ALL GRUNTING) Ow!

(Jimbo) Loser!

(BOYS GRUNTING)

(Dolph) Yeah, get out, shamey.

(CHUCKLES)

I don't think we'll be hearing from him again.

So, Kitchen Wizard, I understand you have a book coming out.

Yes, it's about Winston Churchill's life between the wars.

Up next on the Soft News Network, let's hear from our own wide-eyed wanderer, Howell Huser.

Uh-oh.

I've ambled and rambled across this country and never found a town I didn't like, till now, and the name of that town is Springfield.

(GASPING)

I was attacked, humiliated, and fed misleading gum.

I give Springfield the lowest rating I've ever given a city, a six out of 10.

(CLATTERING)

I hope this bad publicity doesn't affect tourism.

Eh, who needs tourists?

They never buy my maps to stars' homes anyway.

Homer: Have you read them all? Okay, good.

(DOG HOWLING)

We need to bring tourism back to Springfield.

As usual, I will open the floor to all crazy ideas that jump to people's minds.

Stronger beer! Gladiator fights!

Poetry slam! Giant rats!

H... I have a real suggestion.

Yarr.

Why don't we legalize same-sex marriage?

We can attract a growing segment of the marriage market.

And strike a blow for civil rights.

Yeah, them gay guys got lots of disposable income.

I can serve fancy drinks and charge 10 bucks a pop.

What's in a martini?

Gin and vermouth.

And that makes a what?

A martini.

Never heard of it, but I'm still in favor of that same-sex marriage deal.

Then it's settled. We'll legalize gay money...

I mean, gay marriage.

(ALL CHEERING)

I propose we also legalize gay funerals, starting with this guy.

I'm not gay. I'm nothing yet!

Okay, now let's say I put a Lean Cuisine in a blender and I pour some beer on it.

What do you call that?

A lean cuisini? Wrong.

(SINGING) When my man and I shop for wedding gowns.

We were mocked and shunned and pushed around.

But yesterday, we found a place to be gay.

I'm going to marry my Harry in Springfield town.

Gay-o, it's okay-o.

Tie the knot and spend all your dough.

Gay-o, come stay-o.

Visit our web site for further info

Springfield, a place where everyone can marry.

Even dudes.

We're just off Route 202.

Do not take the Jefferson Avenue exit.

For God's sake, do not take that exit.

(ALL CHATTERING)

While I have no opinion for or against your sinful lifestyles, I cannot marry two people of the same s*x any more than I can put a hamburger on a hot dog bun.

Now, go back to working behind the scenes in every facet of entertainment.

Excuse me, Reverend. Yes?

As long as two people love each other, I don't think God cares whether they both have the same hoo-hoo or ha-ha.

Ha-ha!

The Bible forbids same-sex relations.

Which book?

Which book? The Bible!

But, Reverend, (CHURCH BELL TOLLING) scriptural scholars disagree on the significance of depictions of marriage in Old Testament's descriptions.

Jesus' teachings stress inclusiveness and compassion.

(BELL CONTINUES TOLLING)

Lovejoy's an idiot.

His church is giving up hot gobs of gay green.

He could get 200 bucks a couple.

200 bucks a couple, eh?

Hey, I got to get in on this! These people have rights!

The right to buy me a 62-inch TV!

(GRUNTS)

(CHUCKLES)

Homer: Now begins the long and spiritual journey to becoming an ordained minister.

"Name?

Homer Simpson.

(Male Voice) You are now an ordained minister.

(CHURCH MUSIC PLAYING ON COMPUTER)

Now to answer all the pop-ups.

Ooh! A talking moose wants my credit card number.

That's only fair.

(STRAINING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

And do you, Julio, take Thad to be your lawful wedded life partner in Massachusetts and Vermont, maybe Canada, stay out of Texas, as long as you both are gay?

I do.

It brings me greatjoy to unite two such loving people.

Photo mouse pads for sale out back.

(SHUTTER CLICKING)

Okay, what's next, Adam and Steve or Madam and Eve?

Homie, you married every gay couple in town.

Eh, what can I say? I love love.

Well, all you can do now is wait for some other guys to turn.

Hmm, where's Lenny and Carl?

Don't you push them!

They've got to work that out for themselves.

Oh. But I'm only $200 short of $14,800!

Well, what about people of the opposite s*x who want to get married?

Opposite? Yuck.

I mean a man and a woman.

Hmm. Well, maybe marriage isn't just for gays.

What's that thing called when a guy is gay for a girl?

Straight.

(CHUCKLES) Look at me! I'm as straight as a $1 bill.

La-dee-da! Ooh!

(PIG OINKING)

Do you, Cletus, take Brandine to be...

Wait a minute. Are you two brother and sister?

We's all kind of things!

Hmm.

A new epidemic is raging through Springfield, and this one didn't start with Krustyburgeﬂs Whatchamacarcass Sandwich.

I'm talking about an outbreak of marriage fever.

Reverend Simpson... Please, Kent, call me Your Holiness.

(CHUCKLES) I can't. I just can't.

Homer, have we started down a slippery slope, where marriage becomes so meaningless that anyone could marry anything?

Oh, Kent, not anything. It has to exist.

Or does it?

Well, call me old-fashioned, but I believe that marriage described in the Bible...

If you love the Bible so much, why don't you marry it?

In fact, I now pronounce you and the Bible man and wife.

And you're the wife!

(CHUCKLING)

Hey, you owe me 200 bucks.

Homer, your impulsive marriages are gonna lead to a lot of divorces.

Which will lead to a lot more impulsive marriages, which will put more green in the blue.

The blue being my pants.

I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm gonna have to leave you hanging there.

(Krusty) If I may say a word?

Why, we're joined live now by Krusty the Clown. Krusty?

I want to clear up a misconception about the Whatchamacarcass Sandwich.

I used non-diseased meat from diseased animals.

Everyone does it.

(CHUCKLES)

(GROANS)

Oh, Homie, I'm so proud of you.

You stood up for people's right to express love in its most perfect form, a binding legal contract.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hey, saturated fats, I came to ask you a favor.

Let me get my belt sander. Maybe I can grind the ugly off your face.

Very funny. I wasn't joking.

(WHIRRING)

I'm getting married, and I need you to perform the ceremony.

(GASPS) You're getting married? Patty, that's wonderful!

So, tell, tell, who's the lucky man?

What does he do? (GASPS) Let me guess. Mmm. Does he work in customer support?

You can guess all night and never get it.

(INHALING DEEPLY)

Her name's Veronica.

But Veronica's a girl's name. Did you know that?

I'm marrying a woman.

I'm... I'm gay.

(GASPS SOFTLY)

You're not disappointed, are you?

Oh, no. No, no. No, I'm just surprised.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Yeah, big surprise.

Hey, Marge, here's another bomb. I like beer.

(LAUGHING)

So, Patty, you're a woman who likes women.

I guess that fear I always had of you stealing Homer away is unfounded.

(BOTH SPITTING)

Marge, I'd be a lot more worried about me leaving you for a sausage patty than your sister, Patty.

(LAUGHS)

(SCREAMS) Next time it'll be your eye.

Marge, did you really think I was straight?

Well, I guess I should have seen the signs.

(QUE SERA SERA PLAYING)

Que Sera, Sera.

Whatever will be, will be.

The future's not ours to see.

Que Sera, Sera.

What Will be, Will be

You could see it from space, Marge. This isn't a problem for you, is it?

Oh, no. No, no. Why would it be?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

I love you, I love gay marriage, so I'd be a super-hypocrite if I didn't love your gay marriage, right?

Now, Patty, here's a veil I picked out just for you.

Mmm.

(SNIFFS) Smells like cheeseburgers.

Give it back! (SNIFFS)

(SIGHS)

Why are we dressed as "Sunday Best Simpsons" for dinner with Aunt Patty?

Because she's bringing over someone very special.

(SIGHS) Her fiancée.

Is this one of those reality deals where a guy gets a million bucks for marrying Aunt Patty, but they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes?

Son, that's the stupidest idea I ever heard.

And I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it.

(DIALING)

(Female Voice) You've reached Fox.

If you're pitching a show where gold-digging skanks get what's coming to them, press one.

If you're pitching a rip-off of another network's reality show, press two.

Please stay on the line. Your half-baked ideas are all we've got.

Actually, your aunt is marrying a very lucky woman.

I thought you said Aunt Patty was just waiting for the right man.

As opposed to you, who grabbed the first blimp that floated by.

Correction. The first blimp who got her pregnant.

Seriously, Dad, I'm worried.

You should go on a diet.

Why, you little...

(CHOKING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Save my place.

Lisa: Why you little...

(BART CHOKING)

This is my fiancée, Veronica.

It's a pleasure to meet you all.

So, Veronica, what do you do?

I'm a pro golfer. No surprises there.

Aunt Patty, where did you two meet?

Alternative book store? Ethiopian restaurant?

It was so romantic, like a scene from a Hollywood movie.

Yeah, Bride of the Monster.

(PATTY GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

I was at the LPGA Ritz Bits celebrity Pro-Am.

Lady golfers?

I thought we played this stupid game to get away from the women.

With the yack-yack-yack and the spend-spend-spend, am I right?

(All) Boo!

Hey, clown. Watch out for this lady driver.

Huh?

(GRUNTS)

(THUDDING)

Are you all right?

Never better.

(COUGHING)

I'll bet that's how angels cough.

I've been wearing that 3-wood ever since.

Whoa, save something for your wedding night.

Oh, we're saving everything for our wedding night.

Mmm-hmm. That's what Mom would want.

I don't think it's exactly what Mom would want.

Marge, are you sure you're okay with this?

Of course. Everyone should do whatever they want.

Take a bear to church. Read a book with your feet.

Change your name to Gooble-Glop!

Oh, I get it.

You act all liberal, but you can't handle it when your sister finds love in her own locker room.

Marge, if you can find it in your heart to accept me for who I am, I would love to see you at the ceremony.

If not, I'll see you at Homer's funeral.

(BUZZING)

(GRUNTS)

(GIGGLES)

Which should be pretty soon.

Homer: (GRUNTS) Got him! Uh-oh.

What am I not invited to this time?

Gay wedding, but I can get you in.

You can? Is there an open bar? No, cash.

Well, I say this whole thing is against nature.

So, want to do a jigsaw puzzle tonight?

Selma, I'm getting married in an hour.

I know, I know.

I'm just having trouble getting used to the idea of being alone.

Don't lay that on me.

You got married three times.

Actually, four.

You see, last week...

Disco Stu just got an annulment from John Paul ll.

Boogie down!

Selma, we'll always be there for each other.

I don't know about Marge, though.

If she doesn't show up today, I have no non-identical sister.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, Lord, please help me say the right words this afternoon, as I consecrate another gay union that angers you so.

And please let thy holy spirit open the heart of my wife. Amen.

I just can't believe my sister would keep me in the dark all these years, then expect complete acceptance on the day she gets married.

(WOLF WHISTLE)

You handsome devil.

Someday they'll let you and me get married.

Can you imagine the children?

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

(MOANING) I love you, Homer.

I love you, too, Homer.

(BOTH MOANING)

Oh, Homer.

(GASPS)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

The toilet seat's up. But that wouldn't happen unless...

(SINGING) Yeah, dude looks like a lady.

Dude looks like a lady

(GASPS) She's a man.

(CHUCKLES) Looks like Patty's gonna get something she didn't register for.

(HUMMING WEDDING MARCH)

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

Queerly beloved, we're here to join Veronica and Patty in matrimony.

But the news isn't all good.

They've written their own vows. Patty?

Veronica, in you I have found a soul mate.

You are the perfect woman for me, Truthful, honest, hiding nothing.

At last I have found the yin to my yin.

(GROANS)

If anyone knows a reason why these two should not be joined, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

No! I can't let this happen!

I knew it!

You think everyone in the world should have a big dumb man like you!

People, please, can we wrap this up?

It's gonna rain and I got to get the bikes in here.

Patty, it's not what you think.

Veronica is a man!

(GULPS)

(ALL GASPING)

Look at the size of that Adam's apple!

Veronica, how could you?

Patty, I love you, but long before we met, I disguised myself as a woman and lied my way onto the LPGA tour.

I can see why you lied to other golfers, caddies, fans and officials, but how could you lie to me and the sponsors?

Because you fell in love with me as a woman, and I didn't want to lose you.

But now I'm asking you, not as Veronica, but as the man I am, Leslie Robin Swisher.

Patty, will you marry the real me?

(GROANS)

Hell, no, I like girls!

(GASPS)

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Marge, thank you for accepting me for who I am.

Well, I learned a lesson.

Just because you're a lesbian, it doesn't make you less of a being.

Patty, I admire your decision.

It takes courage to follow your heart and walk out on a non-refundable wedding ceremony.

So, I'm gonna waive the rose petal removal fee and prorate the cake-handling surcharge.

(SCOFFS) Thanks. Yeah.

Well, that's the end of Dad's wedding business.

Why?

Hey, twisted sister, you still have that jigsaw puzzle?

Oh, there never was a jigsaw puzzle.

I was trying to make you jealous.

Hey, want to go to the airport and leave a bag unattended?

It is a good way to meet security personnel.

Let's go!

(BOTH GRUNTING INDISTINCTLY)

(TIGER GROWLING)

(SPRAYING)

Next. Hurry, before she changes her mind.