Deadheads

1 Ah, the Grateful Dead They were the chillest jam band of the '80s, and wherever they went, their die-hard fans would follow them. Back then, every school had the token Deadhead. Ours was Matt Bradley. I will get by - So talented. - So chill. I will get by. JTP! - JTP! - JTP! Where you guys been? I was at the Wawa, feeding that stray dog pizza. You missed out big-time. He loves pineapples, like a person. - I told you, bro! - Hilarious. I eat those, and I'm a person. Come on. Let's go spit off a bridge. Actually, I think we'd rather just chill here and watch Matt Bradley jam. That guy? He's a stupid Deadhead. - So? - So? Their songs are, like, a million hours long, their crazy fans smell like armpits, and all they wear is tie-dye. It's like, pick a color, bro. You can't have them all. Look past the swirly colors, man. Matt Bradley's a good egg. We should totally make him a member of the JTP. No way! It's in our official bylaws that any potential JTP prospect has to bring something new to the group. Dude, he's, like, a chick magnet. We already got one Me! He's also, like, super-chill. I'm super-chill! I will physically hurt your face right now! At the very least, he's musical. You want music? Watch and learn. Attention, adoring fans! Big Tasty is in the house! You suck! That's right! I do rock. JTP, drop a beat. Um, Bar, history has proven that you say two good lines and then you freeze up and just repeat them over and over I said "Drop a beat"! (Beatboxing) (Rapping) Check to the one and check to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rappin' at you 'Cause I'm checkin' to the one and I'm checkin' to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rappin' for you Checkity one and checkity two He's stuck in a loop again. And I'm rappin' and I'm rappin' and I'm rappin' at you (Crowd boos) And he's gonna get hit in the face in three, two I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was March 8th, 1980-something, and I was doing what I did best Being awesome. (As RoboCop) Dead or alive, you're coming with me. All right, my little Robo-Schmoop, time to clean up your masterpiece so I can lay out mine. (Normal voice) But we're about to shoot Pops' big scene. Adam, is that you? I can't see in this thing! Just take five, Pops. Finally! I'm shvitzing in this big box! What happened next would change my life forever. (Slo-mo) Oh Fudge! Only, I didn't say "Fudge. " I said the big one, the granddaddy of bad words, and it was not good. - Hey! - You don't even want to know what this little muddy mouth just said. You only get one helping of shrimp Parm tonight. You can have seconds on cheesy garlic bread, but no thirds! It was an accident, okay? Unacceptable! I mean, where did you even learn such a potty word? - Nowhere. - Answer me! Who taught you how to do this stuff? You, all right?! I learned it by watching you! Wha What?! I have never! Seriously? What? I don't talk like that. But she did. Bev Bombs were dropped on a daily basis in our home. Holy [bleep]! I love that idea! I hate drugs so [bleep] much! Adam used to be a good boy, and now he's a real [bleep]. [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep] Yeah! Okay, maybe I do get saucy once in a blue moon, but I can because I'm an adult. An adult who can't stop herself from talking like a lumberjack. Oh, really? Well, we'll see about that. I'm starting a swear jar. My pickles! You do realize that jar is way too small for you, right? Oh, you'll see. I'm not gonna drop a penny into thing. Oh, well, then you won't mind if we use it for something awesome, like, I don't know A trip to the Bahamas. Or even more exciting, a trip to Colonial Williamsburg! We can finally get a picture in the stocks! You already have one! But I want a new one. Oh. Thou doth look so snuggly. (Giggles) No more old-timey trips where we learn stuff. I want to tan in the Bahamas. No one's going to the Bahamas. No one's going anywhere. Of course not. And you know why? Because my lips are squeaky-clean. Yay! Making my kids better people is gonna be [bleep] fun. (Music Playing) Yo, dude, we've been talking, and we want to make an official vote to induct Matt Bradley into the JTP. We already decided. He brings nothing new to the table. Bro, he's got a snake. A streamlined iguana? For real? A deal's a deal, He's JTP-worthy. Fine! We take a vote and never discuss it again. All those in favor in accepting Matt Bradley as a member of the JTP, say "Aye. " - Aye. - Aye. Those opposed? Me. And as we all know, I'm the leader, so my vote counts at three. - And what does that mean? - Tie vote. And what happens in the event of a tie vote? You win. Democracy in action! Let's go. Yo, JTP, you meet Snake Plissken? - He poisonous? - Nah. - He's a boa, super-docile. - Lame. Oh, I was gonna see if you wanted to hold it. Oh, yeah! I mean, no. We took a vote. We reject you and your awesome viper. That's not what the vote was for. It was to be a member of the JTP. Wow. I would be honored. Don't be. You've already been rejected. It was a landslide. Come on, Bar. At least give him a chance to take the membership test. Membership test? It's a series of riddles, trivia, and feats of strength. - Sounds rad. - Fine! I'll give you a shot. But, as our charter states, once you fail, you can't ever be one of us. You don't mess around in the JTP. - (ALL) JTP! - No! He's not a member! No call and response, JTP. - JTP. - JTP. As Matt Bradley was learning the rules of the JTP, my mom was setting up her own rules. The rules are simple You curse, you reimburse. One dollar for every swear sworn in this household. Well, I, for one, think this is a fantastic way to make us the very best people that we can be. And go to the Bahamas and pierce my belly button. Forget I said that. No one's going to the damn Bahamas. Bup-bup! That's a dollar in the swear jar, Dad. She's right, Murray. We have to live by example. I'm not paying for these morons to go to the Bahamas. You know, "moron" may not be considered a curse word, but it really does feel like one emotionally. I'll put 20 bucks in that thing if I can call any moron who's acting like a moron a moron anytime I want. - 50. - Worth it. Morons! You know what would teach us a super-valuable lesson? Upping the fee for the big-time swears to 5 bucks a pop. Yes! Ooh! What a great idea. Oh, balls! It's really not! (Laughs) That's $5! For "balls"?! But it has so many meanings, only one of which refers to one's nards. That's $10! Yay! My babies are gonna be angels! What have you done, dragon lady? I've got $7 to my name, I'm already in debt. Relax. I have a plan. When it comes to swearing, we have self-control. Lucky for us, our mom does not. Oh, my God. You're gonna use the swear jar to scam Mom. I ran the numbers. We need 723 big swear words. If we can up Mom's swear rate to twice an hour and nail her on some "hells" and "damn its" in between, we're gonna be slurping on strawberry daiquiris in the Bahamas in 13 days. How do we get her to swear more? Follow my lead. Hey, Mom? I've been thinking about it, and You're more than a mom. You're also, like a friend. That's exactly how I feel! We're like best [bleep] friends! Ohh. Wow. While I appreciate the enthusiasm, you kind of just dropped a big-money word. That'll be a fiver. Did I say "[bleep]"? I said it again! Ohh! How many [bleep] was that? (Sighs) Oh, [bleep] it. I'll just put in a $20. It's money well-spent for my delicious, talented superstar! Mama! I'm cold, and nothing can keep me warm like your hug! Will you hug me till I'm all roasty and toasty inside? [Bleep] (Laughing) You are so adorable! (Gasps) I'll get my purse. (Chuckles) As we bankrolled our trip to the Bahamas, my brother was banking on Matt Bradley failing the impossible JTP entrance exam. Let the trials of the JTP begin. - JTP. - JTP. First up, Smashball. Let's see you hit my unhittable knuckle melon. - (Music Playing) - Yes! But he destroyed that melon, and every other challenge. Slushee chug. No mere mortal can ingest an extra-large Done! Aah! My head! But worth it! - Dang! - He's unstoppable! - He's immortal! - Riddles and trivia. A body is found in a locked room Is the weapon an ice knife? Damn it! Next category, busting balls. Come up with three insults for how short Andy is. Oh. No, we don't have to do - Go! - Andy is so tiny, he uses a sock as a sleeping bag. When Andy plays mini-golf, it's just called "Golf. " Did you hear Andy died? He was bungee-jumping off a curb and the dental floss broke. - Ohh! - Ohh! I feel completely humiliated. This guy's awesome! Blindfolded Rubik's Cube, which no human can do, which means you'll never be one of us. Go! Bro, this isn't in the charter. The charter is a living document, and, lucky for me, it makes it so he'll never be able to - Done! - What? That's awesome! Dude! Am I in the JTP? - JTP! - JTP! That means "Yes. " Cool! So, what are we doing this weekend? Well, I don't know what you'll be doing, but the O. G. JTP will be seeing the Fat Boys. I'd invite you, but it's sold out. Why don't we go see the Dead? They're playing at the fairgrounds. Easy, new guy. The JTP likes their music in rap form or not at all. Actually, I wouldn't mind switching it up a bit. Shut up, you tiny, little Pocket Man Face? Damn it, that's hard. That's a big thumbs-up on the Dead, Matty. Wait. Barry, don't you own a van? - We could turn it into a Dead bus. - Yes! - For sure! - A van-bus! No! That's our A-Team van we're taking to the Fat Boys! And, like all other JTP decisions, we're putting this concert to a vote. Who wants to see the Fat Boys tomorrow? That's three votes for Fat Boys. Why do you count as three? 'Cause don't question it. Now, how many of you want to go see that weird, lame thing I don't want to do? One, two Three Four? Grateful Dead, it is. You're gonna love it, JTP. - JTP! JTP! JTP! - JTP! JTP! JTP! (Chanting continues) They have four votes. I'll never get to bulldoze my closest friends again! This is a nightmare! It had been a week, and my mom's little swearing problem had gone from bad to worse. - What'd you say now? - Nothing. What, did Erica get another solo? No. Adam wrote "Adam hearts Mama" on his Trapper Keeper. I had no choice. He hearts me. Damn it! I am slowly paying for a trip to the Bahamas that I don't want to take. I hate to be that person, but you said "Damn it. " That's a buck. Don't you see what the kids are doing to you? They're using your dirty mouth against you. It was at that moment that my mom finally realized she was being played. Oh, my God! They're fleecing me! It's time I teach them a real lesson. I've been thinking, Schmoops. This jar has been so effective at stopping my potty mouth, I figured everyone should have a jar. I don't know what your angle is here, but I'm gonna have to say Phbt Pass. Oh, sweetie, such attitude. Luckily, now we have this. - Dollar, please. - A "Baditude" jar? - That's not a thing. - Oh, it is. Every time you lip off, it'll cost you a dollar. Well, that's incredibly stupid! (Gasps) Baditude! Now it's $2. Just stop giving them baditude! I don't know how not to! This isn't fair! What about him? Don't worry. Got you covered. An "Adam" jar? You pay up any time you say any weird stuff about space or robits or space robits. So the Adam jar is just a nerd jar? - Yeah. - That's very hurtful! Hey, your robit-cop movie started this whole mess. RoboCop isn't a robot. If anything, he's a cyborg, which falls under the umbrella of android, which means I'll put in a dollar. See? We're all just using these jars to become better people. By the end, I'll curse less, Erica will be a ray of sunshine, and Adam will be more accessible. But we don't have that kind of money. Unless you have some way for us to steal fractions of a penny off every bank transaction, in "Superman III. " - Dollar. - Just stop talking! I can't! It's like the Nothing in the "NeverEnding Story. " It can't be stopped! - Dollar. - Just don't speak! I'm like Indy when he drank the black blood of the Kali. - I can't help myself! - Dollar. Don't worry. We'll just take money from my swear jar and put it into yours. The proceeds from your jars will go towards a trip to Colonial Williamsburg! You think you'll beat us? Well, I'll be an utter delight, and Adam won't even be a little bit nerdy. Yeah! I'll be as cool as the ice planet Hoth. - $5. - Just stop talking! And so we were forced to avoid being our usual selves. Meanwhile, Pops was watching TV as Barry forced himself to like the Grateful Dead. (Groans) Stupid Grateful Dead. I've been listening to a bass guitar solo for 20 minutes. That's a lot of bass. Everyone knows no song can be longer than 10 minutes unless it's The Sugar Hill Gang. I know what'll make you feel better "What's Happening!!" And I told you This kid Matt Bradley is trying to take my place as supreme and almighty leader of the JTP. No, I'm saying "What's Happening". I'm losing my posse! How are you not getting this? I get it! I mean"What's Happening". I told you what's happening 10 times! Much like my mom, who tended to swear, this is what Pops usually said. What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? (Boom) What's happening? Oh, "What's Happening". I love Rerun on these reruns. This is a classic. Rerun tries to bootleg a show, and then the Doobie Brothers stop an entire concert when they see Rerun taping them. Thanks for ruining it. Wait a minute. He ruined the concert. That's it! I'll record the Dead concert and get caught. I'm gonna really ask this time, What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening. I'm gonna make sure the JTP never see a Dead show again. (Music Playing) Oh, there you are. Erica, do me a favor and empty the dishwasher. I would love to do that, Mother. So nice of you. Also, clean the gutters. - What?! - Hold it together. Fun that would be. My mom was playing us just like we played her, and then she pulled out the big guns. I heard there's a new "Star Track" movie coming out. We should go see it, huh? Go see "Star Track"? That is a title you would say. And I heard the best thing about the space movie is this one superhero named Hans Olo. Run, Adam! Run! No! I got to say it. His name is Han Solo, not Hans. He's a rogue smuggler, not a Danish shoe cobbler. You boned us. Han Solo is from "Star Wars," not "Star Trek. " And it's "Trek," by the way, not "Track"! Colonial Williamsburg, here we come! Oh, you're gonna look so cute with your [bleep] musket. - Aha! - You swore! I knew that she wouldn't last long. So predictable. Baditude! Huh! Someone can't keep their [bleep] together. - Ha! - Who can't keep it together now? This is more twists and turns than the Battle of Endor! Adam jar! Stop talking, you giant nerd! Baditude jar! (Chuckles) This is too [bleep] easy. - Swear jar! - Swear jar! With that, the jar wars were on. Meanwhile, it was all peace and love at The Grateful Dead show. Dude, this 45-minute song is amazing. And everyone's so nice. Yeah, especially that one guy that invited me to live with him and those 10 other guys over there on that patch of lawn. Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if we could listen to this concert later? What's all that? Definitely not illegal bootleg equipment that'll allow me to profit after selling them later! Hey, pal, you trying to tape the show? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh! We're gonna have to go, huh? For sure. Taping section's way over there. You can go on down. Unfortunately for my brother, he picked the one band chill enough to let you tape them. Barry, you're the man. You just scored us better seats. Why? What kind of band allows you to tape their entire concert? This doesn't make any sense. Dead are a band of the people. Music's for everyone. They're so nice. Now I hate them even more! They were supposed to kick us out! Whoa. So, you wanted to ruin this for us? I mean, not ruin. I was just Not cool, bro. Yeah, man. You're, like, a bad friend to the JTP. - JTP. - JTP. Hey! I started this posse, without me, there is no JTP. You didn't say "JTP" back. Matt is right. You're a selfish friend. Yeah, and if that's how you want to run the JTP, then we don't want you in it. Fine. I don't care. I'll start a better, more badass posse without you. See you around, Tasty. (Music Playing) Since my brother lost control of the JTP, he decided to assemble a better crew, he hoped. Okay, welcome to my all-new and improved posse. I'm Big Tasty, founder and leader. First order of business, we need a name. How about Rush? How about hush? No Rush, no Atkins. Later. Okay, so, our name has to have "Jenkintown" in it. I was thinking the Jenkintown Awesome Group. Wait, You want us to be the JAGs? (Russian accent) This is name for unbearable loser, yes? A jag? Foreign kid's right. I don't want to be a jag. Also, why is there an old man in our super-cool group? Every group has a life of the party, and that's Pops. I'm our badass leader, Sergei's the funny one. and, of course, we got our wild card, Naked Dan. Naked Dan? This is weird. I'm out. Is decided, Naked Sergei! While Barry was realizing what the JTP meant to him, the jar wars had taken on a whole new meaning. (Clock ticking) You know, I never thought I'd say these words, but the silence is making me crazy. Somebody say something! Unh-unh! If I say anything, we're gonna end up in Colonial Williams-turd. Baditude! That's $5. Pay up for comparing our beloved U. S. history to poo-poos. Poo-poos! All right, enough! I'm putting an end to this once and for all. Hey, I only made these other jars 'cause you made me realize that they were playing me. Of course they were. They're awful. That's part of their charm, just like swearing's part of yours. But Adam was right He learned it from watching me. You swear because you care. And I wouldn't want to change that. - For sure. - Sadly, he's right. And I'm not changing. I'm gonna keep calling them morons because they act like morons. And I can't change the fact saying "Star Track" will always bother me. And there's, like, zero chance of me changing my crap attitude, 'cause you're all lame. See? We are who we are. And I love it! - Dad's right. - I feel the same way. So, we all agree No more jar wars. "Jar wars" sounds like "Star Wars"! Oh, God, it felt so good to say. With that, the jar wars came to an end. Meanwhile, my brother was hoping for a new beginning with his friends. Hey. Can I talk to you guys? Come on, guys. Give him a chance. Thanks, man. I was a jerk, okay? Look, the three of you are the first real friends I ever had, and I just didn't want to lose you to someone else - and be all alone again. - Dude. - Dude. - Dude! So, to make it up to you, I bought tickets to the next Dead show. Hoping maybe I can tag along? Don't look at me. I'm not the leader. No one is. We're just The JTP. - JTP. - JTP. Uh, Bar, these tickets are for Fairmount Park. How are we supposed to get there? - No way! - Awesome! This seems like a big move for a band we just got into, - but I like it. - Yep. Yep. (The Grateful Dead's "Touch of Grey" plays) Good to have you back, Big Tasty. It's good to be back, Matt Bradley. It was official. The JTP had their newest, chillest member Matt Bradley. And to this very day, He is still my brother's closest, dearest friend. That's what happens when you open your heart and let someone in. What's this? We mapped out the best route to Williamsburg. We took all the money from the swear jars and booked a hotel room. We thought you deserved a trip. And I say that without any attitude. I will get by I truly, madly, deeply love you so [bleep] much, I can't stand it. Us too, Mama. Guess I'm schlepping to Williamsburg. Morons. 'Cause in the end, no matter what you go through I will get by If you have your friends and family by your side, you will get by. I will get by Will Matthew Bradley come out as a winner today? - (Ding!) - He's got the smile. Or will Barry Goldberg be a winner today? (Ding!) The cream is then agitated by the motion of the stick, creating thick, rich butter. Ma'am, would you like to give it a try? I'm good. I'm approaching the natives now. They seem to have a leader. Dude, no! I told you not to do this. Greetings, Colonial settlers. I have come from the year 2032 to warn you of impending doom. Everyone disregard. - Time travel is not part of the tour. - Not part of the tour! See, I knew you'd say that Proving that I'm from the future, where robots have taken over and their power source is pure, thick, rich butter! I'm starting up the Adam jar again. It's for your own good. One of the female followers is a sad loner with no boyfriend.