Male Unbounding

MALE UNBONDING

Written by

Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

(Nightclub)

JERRY Most men like working on things, tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guy's out in his driveway working on              something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering out of the house like zombies. Men, it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. Just.. you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, "Honey,               I think Jim's working on something over               there." So they run over to the guy. Now they don't actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. That's what men want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, "What are you using,               the Philips head?" You know, we feel involved. That's why when they have construction sites, they have to have those wood panel fences around it, that's just to keep the men out. They cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But if they don't cut those holes - we are climbing those fences. Right over there. "What are you using the              steel girders down there? Yeah, that'll hold."

(Jerry's apartment building)

(Jerry and George are waiting for the elevator)

GEORGE I had to say something. I had to say something. Everything was going so well; I had to say something. JERRY I don't think you did anything wrong. GEORGE I told her I liked her. Why? Why did I tell her I like her? I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel. I like you I don't tell you. JERRY We can only thank God for that.

(Elevator opens, they get on)

GEORGE I'm outta the picture. I am outta the picture. (laughs) It's only a matter of time now. JERRY You're imagining this. Really.

GEORGE Oh no. No, no, no, no.

(elevator doors close)

GEORGE I'll tell you when it happened. When that floss came flying out of my pocket. JERRY What floss? When?

GEORGE We were in the lobby during the intermission of the play. I was buying her one of               those containers of orange drink, for five dollars. I reached into my              pocket to pay for it, I looked down; there's this piece of green floss hanging from my fingers. JERRY Ah, mint.

GEORGE Of course. So, I'm looking at it, I               look up, I see she's looking at it. Our eyes lock. It was a horrible moment. I just.. (eleveator doors open, they get off)

JERRY So let me get this straight: she saw the floss, you panicked and you told her you liked her. GEORGE If I didn't put that floss in my pocket, I'd be crawling around her bedroom right now looking for my glasses. JERRY And you're sure the floss was the catalyst? GEORGE Yes, I am.

JERRY (looks at a carrying pouch George is               wearing) You don't think it might've                had anything to do with that? GEORGE What? You don't like this?

JERRY It looks like your belt is digesting a small animal. (they go into Jerry's apartment to find Kramer talking on the               phone) KRAMER Oh, they've got a cure for cancer. See, it's all big business.. Oh hey, Jerry just walked in. Hi, George. (resumes               talking on the phone) Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, take my number - 555-8643. Okay, here he is. (hands phone               to Jerry.) JERRY (to Kramer) Who is it?

KRAMER Take it.

JERRY Who is it?

KRAMER It's for you.

JERRY (into phone) Hello? Oh, hi Joel. (Jerry               hits Kramer with a magazine.) .. No. I was out of town. I just got back.. Kramer doesn't know anything.. He's               just my next-door neighbor. Uh.. nothing much.. Tuesday? Uh, Tuesday, no. I'm meeting somebody.. Uh, Wednesday? Wednesday's okay.. Alright. Uh, I'm a little busy right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning? .. Okay.. yeah.. right.. thanks.. bye. (hangs up, then addresses Kramer) Why did you put me on the phone with him? I              hate just being handed a phone.

KRAMER Well, it's your phone. He wanted to               talk to you JERRY Maybe I didn't want to talk to him. KRAMER Well, why not?

JERRY He bothers me. I don't even answer the phone anymore because of him. He's turned me into a screener. Now I gotta go see him on Wednesday. GEORGE What do you mean Wednesday? I though we had tickets to the Knick game Wednesday. We got seats behind the bench! What happened? We're not going?

JERRY We're going. That's next Wednesday. GEORGE Oh. Who is this guy?

JERRY His name is Joel Horneck. He lived like three houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer the rest of              my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten. I would've               been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table.. he's so               self-involved. (phone rings, Kramer pulls his phone out of his pocket)

KRAMER That's for me. (into phone) Kramerica Industries.. Oh, hi, Mark.. No, no, no. Forget that. I got a better idea. A pizza place where you make your own pie.

JERRY Can you conduct your business elsewhere? KRAMER (ignoring Jerry) No, no, no. I'm talking about a whole chain of 'em. Yeah. (Kramer               leaves Jerry's apartment while still                on the phone.) GEORGE I don't know why you even bother with this ping pong guy, I'll tell you that. JERRY I don't bother with him. He's been calling me for seven years. I've never called him once! He's got the attention span of a five-year-old. Sometimes I sit there and I make up things just to see if he's paying attention. GEORGE I don't understand why you spend time with this guy. JERRY What can I do? Break up with him? Tell him "I Don't think we're right for each               other.." He's a guy. At least with a               woman, there's a precendent. You know, the relationship goes sour, you end it.

GEORGE No, no, no,no you have to approach this as if he was a woman. JERRY Just break up with him?

GEORGE Absolutely. You just tell him the truth. (scene ends)

(Nightclub)

JERRY As a guy I don't know how I can break up with another guy. You know what I               mean? I don't know how to say, "Bill,               I feel I need to see other men." Do              you know what I mean? There's nothing I can do. I have to wait for someone to die. I think that's the only way out of this relationship. It could be a long time. See, the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends just because they're two guys. That's almost all we need to have in common. 'Cause sports - sports and women - is really all we talk about. If there was no sports and no               women the only thing guys would ever say is "So, what's in the refrigerator?"

(Coffee Shop)

(Jerry and Joel are sitting at a table)

JOEL ..so my shrink wants me to bring my               mother in for a session. This guy is               a brilliant man. Lenny Bruce used to               go to him.. and I think, uh, Geraldo. JERRY You know, I read the Lenny Bruce biography, I thought it was really - interesting.. he would- JOEL (interrupting) Hey, hey, hey, hey we're               starving here! We've been waiting here for ten minutes already! JERRY (testing Joel) So, I'm thinking about going to Iran this summer. JOEL I have to eat! I mean, I'm hypoglycemic. JERRY Anyway, the Hizballah has invited me               to perform. You know, it's their annual terrorist luncheon. I'm gonna do it               is Farsi. JOEL Do you think I need a haircut?

(waitress comes to their table)

WAITRESS Are you ready?

JERRY Yeah, I'll have the egg salad on whole wheat. JOEL Let me ask you a question. This, uh, this turkey sandwich here, is that real turkey, or is it a turkey roll? I don't               want that processed turkey. I hate it. WAITRESS I think it's real turkey.

JOEL Is there a real bird in the back?

WAITRESS No, there's not bird but-

JOEL Well, how do you know for sure? Look, why don't you do me a favor. Why don't               you go in the back and find out, okay? (waitress leaves)

JOEL (cont.) Unbelievable..

JERRY How can you talk to someone like that? JOEL What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll? JERRY Listen, Joel. There's something I have to tell you. JOEL Wait, you'll never guess who I ran into. JERRY AND JOEL Howard metro.

JOEL He asked me if I still saw you. I said, "Sure, I see him all the time. We're               great friends." Anyway, Howard says hello. JERRY ..listen, Joel.. I don't think we should see each other anymore. JOEL what?

JERRY This friendship.. it's not working. JOEL Not working? What are you talking about? JERRY We're just not suited to be friends. JOEL How can you say that?

JERRY Look, you're a nice guy, it's just that - we don't have anything in common. JOEL (starting to cry) Wait. Wat did I do? Tell me.. I want to know. JERRY You didn't do anything. It's not you, it's me. It's.. this is very difficult. JOEL Look, I know I call you too much, right? I mean, I know you're a very busy guy. JERRY No, it's not that.

JOEL (crying) You're one of the few people I can talk to. JERRY Oh, come on. That's not true.

JOEL I always tell everybody about you; tell everybody to go see your show. I mean, I'm your biggest fan! JERRY I know, I know.

JOEL I mean, you're my best friend.

JERRY Best friend? I've never been to your apartment. JOEL I cannot believe that this is happening. I can't believe it. JERRY Okay, okay. Forget it. It's okay. Id               didn't mean it. JOEL Didn't mean what?

JERRY What I said. I've been under a lot of               stress. JOEL Oh, you've been under a lot of stress. JERRY Just, can we just forget the whole thing ever happend? I'm sorry. I din't mean it. I took it out on you. We're still friends. We're still friends. Still friends. Okay? Look, I'll tell you what. I've got Knick tickets this Wednesday. Great seats behind the bench. You want to come with me? Come on. JOEL Tonight?

JERRY No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight, I would've said tonight. JOEL Do you really want me to go?

JERRY (faking) Yes.

JOEL Okay. yeah, okay. Great! That would be, that'd be great.. so, next Wednesday. JERRY Next Wednesday.

JOEL Where is that waitress?! Hey! ..

(scene ends)

(Bank)

(Jerry is at the counter, filling out a slip; George is carrying               a jug full of pennies.) GEORGE ..she calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk." JERRY Uh, the four worst words in the English language. GEORGE That, or "Who's bra is this?"

JERRY That is worse.

GEORGE So we order lunch, and we're talking. Finally, she blurts out how it's "not               working". JERRY Really.

GEORGE So, I'm thinking, as she's saying this, I'm thinking: great, the relationship's               over. But the egg salad's on the way. So now I have a decision - do I walk or              do I eat?

JERRY Hm? You ate.

GEORGE We sat there for twenty minutes, chewing, staring at each other in a defunct relationship. JERRY Someone says, "Get out of my life!" and that doesn't affect your appetite? GEORGE Have you ever had their egg salad? JERRY It is unbelievable.

GEORGE It's unbelievable. You know what else is unbelievable? I picked up the check. She didn't even offer. She ended it. The least she could do is send me off with a sandwich.

JERRY (looking at George's penny jug) How much could you possibly have in there? GEORGE: It's my money. What should I               do? Throw it out the window? I              know guy who took his vacation on change.

JERRY Yeah? Where'd he go? To and arcade? GEORGE (sarcastic) That's funny. You're a funny guy. JERRY C'mon, move up.

(George moves up in the bank line)

CUSTOMER Oh great, Ewing's hurt.

GEORGE Ewing's hurt? How long is he going to               be out? CUSTOMER A couple of days at the most but.. GEORGE Geez.

JERRY Oh, God.

GEORGE I got scared there for a second. The Knicks without Ewing. JERRY Listen, George, little problem with the game. GEORGE What about it?

JERRY The thing is, yesterday, I kind of.. uh.. GEORGE What?

JERRY I geve your ticket to Horneck.

GEORGE You what?!

JERRY Yeah, I'm sorry. I had to give it to               Horneck. GEORGE No! My ticket?! You gave my ticket to               Horneck? JERRY (talking about the line) C'mon, c'mon, go ahead, move up. GEORGE Why did you give him my ticket for? JERRY You didn't see him. It was horrible. GOERGE Oh, c'mon, Jerry. I can't believe this. JERRY I had to do it.

(George is up to the teller, Jerry goes to another one.)

GEORGE Oh, please. (to the teller) Can you change this into bills? TELLER I'm sorry, sir. We can't do that.

JERRY Do you want to go with him? You go. I don't mind. GEORGE I'm not going with him. I don't even know the guy. (to the teller) Look, they did this for me before. TELLER Look, I can give you these and you can roll them yourself. GEORGE You want me to roll six thousand of               these?! What, should I quit my job?! (Scene ends.)

(Nightclub)

JERRY I do not like the bank. I've heard the expression "Laughing all the way to               the bank." I have never seen anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate it when there's nobody on the line at all, you know that part, you go to the bank, it's empty and you still have to go through the little maze. "Can you get a little piece              of cheese for me? I'm almost at the front. I'd like a reward                for this please." (Jerry's apartment)

(George is stuffing pennies into rolls.)

GEORGE ..Thirty-two, thirty-three-

JERRY George.

GEORGE (raises his hand) Not now.. (counts               to himself). JERRY Could you stop the counting?

GEORGE Nnnnnnnninngaaa! (Dumping out roll) What?! JERRY Can I make it up to you? I'll give you fifty bucks for the jug. GEORGE Oh, yeah, sure. Keep your money.

JERRY Well, then I'm not going to the game either. Okay? I'll give him both tickets. GEORGE (pantomimes sticking an imaginary knife               in his heart, and twists it) Oh geeeee.. Go, go! JERRY I.. no, I don't want to go.

GEORGE He was really crying?

JERRY I had to give him a tissue. In fact, let me call his machine now and I'll               just make up some excuse why I can't                go to the game either. GEORGE Wait a minute. Wait a minute. As long as you're going to lie to the guy, why don't you tell him that you lost both of the tickets, then we could go? JERRY George, the man wept.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER Oh, hey guys. Man, I'm telling you. This pizza idea, is really going to               happen. GEORGE This is the thing where you go and you have to make your own pizza? KRAMER Yeah, we give you the dough, you smash it, you pound it, you fling it in the air; and then you get to put your sauce and you get to sprinkle your cheese, and they - you slide it into the oven.

GOERGE You know, you have to know how to do               that. You can't have people shoving their arms into a six-hundred degree oven. KRAMER It's all supervised.

GEORGE Oh, well.

KRAMER All of it. You want to invest?

GEORGE My money's all tied up in change right now. KRAMER No, I'm tellin' ya, people, they really want to make their own pizza pie. JERRY I have to say something. With all due respect, I just never.. I can't imagine anyone in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie.. but that's me.

KRAMER That's you.

JERRY I'm just saying..

KRAMER Okay, okay. I just wanted to check with you guys. JERRY Okay.

KRAMER You know, this business is going to               be big. I just wanted .. okay. (he exits               quickly, then sticks his head back through                the door) One day, you'll beg me to               make your own pie. (he leaves)

(Jerry dials up Joel)

JERRY Hi, Joel. This is Jerry. I hope you get this before you - Oh, Hi. Joel.. oh, you just came in.. listen, I can't               amke it to the game tonight. I, uh, have to tutor my              nephew - Yeah, he's got an exam tomarrow.. geometry.. you know, trapezoids, rhombus.. Anyway, listen, you take the tickets. They're               at the Will-Call window.. And I'm really sorry.. Have a good time. We'll talk next week. Okay.. yeah, I don't.. fine.. fine.. bye. (he hangs up). GEORGE Trapezoid?

JERRY I know. I'm really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some kind of excuse Rolodex. (Scene ends.)

(Jerry's apartment, night time)

ELAINE Come on, let's go do something. I don't               want to just sit around here. JERRY Okay.

ELAINE Want to go get something to eat?

JERRY Where do you want to go?

ELAINE I don't care, I'm not hungry.

JERRY We could go to one of those cappuccino places. They let you just sit there. ELAINE What are we gonna do there? Talk?

JERRY We can talk.

ELAINE I'll go if I don't have to talk.

JERRY We'll just sit there.

ELAINE Okay. I'm gonna check my machine first. (Elaine sees a pad by the phone, and starts reading it.)

ELAINE (cont.) "Picking someone up at the airport." "Jury Duty." "Waiting for cable guy." JERRY Okay, just ahnd that over, please. ELAINE Oh, what is this?

JERRY It's a list of excuses, it's for that guy, Horneck, who's at the game tonight with my tickets. I have that list now so in case he calls, I just consult it and i don't              have to see him. (Elaine laughs.) I need it. (Elaine starts writing               on the list.) What are you doing? ELAINE I got some for you.

JERRY I don't need anymore.

ELAINE No, no, no, no, no, these are good. Listen, listen: "You ran out of underwear,               you can't leave the house." JERRY (sarcastic) Very funny.

ELAINE How about: "You've been diagnosed as               a multiple personality, you're not even                you, you're Dan." JERRY I'm Dan. Can I have my list back, please? ELAINE (gives Jerry the list) Here, here. Jerry Seinfeld, I cannot believe you're doing this. This is absolutely infantile. JERRY What can I do?

ELAINE Deal with it. Be a man!

JERRY Oh no. That's impossible. I'd rather lie to him for the rest of my life that go through that again. He was crying, tears accompanied by mucus. ELAINE You made a man cry? I've never made a man cry. I even kicked a guy in the groin once and he didn't cry.. I got the cab. JERRY A couple of touch monkeys.

(Elaine laughs, Kramer enters.)

KRAMER Oh, hi Elaine, hey. (to Jerry) Hey, you missed a great game tonight, buddy! JERRY Game?

KRAMER Knock game. Horneck took me. We were sitting two rows behind the bench. We               were getting hit by sweat! JERRY Wait. How does Horneck know you?

KRAMER Last week. When I, you know, game you the phone. He's really into my pizza place idea! JERRY This is too much.

ELAINE Wait, what pizza place idea?

JERRY Oh, no.

KRAMER You make your own pie!

ELAINE Oh, that sounds like a great idea. It               would be fun. JOEL (from the hallway.)Kramer..

KRAMER Yeah.

JERRY Perfect.

(Horneck enters.)

JOEL Hey..

KRAMER Okay, who wants meatloaf?

JERRY AND ELAINE No thanks.

KRAMER (to Joel) It's gonna be hot in a minute. (exits) JOEL So, I though you were tutoring your nephew? JERRY Oh, we finished early.

JOEL Uhm, I'll bet. So, are you going to               introduce me to your - nephew? JERRY Elaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck. ELAINE Hi.

JOEL Whoa, Nelson! This is Elaine? I though you guys split? JERRY We're still friends.

JOEL So, thanks again for those tickets. But next week, I'm going to take you. You about next Tuesday night? (to Elaine) And why don't you come along? ELAINE Oh, no, no. Tuesday's no good becasue we've got choir practice. JERRY Right. I forgot about choir.

ELAINE We're doing that evening of Eastern European National Anthems. JERRY Right. You know, the wall being down and everything. JOEL (to Jerry) What about Thursday night? I mean they're playing the Sonics. (Jerry shakes his head.)

ELAINE Huh... Thursday is not good because we've got to get to the hospital to               see if we qualify as those organ donors. JOEL You know, I should really try something like that. JERRY You really should.

JOEL Well, let's just take a look here. (looks               at his schedule) Forty-one home games. Saturday night we've got the mavericks. If you don't like the Mavericks, next Tuesday - Lakers. I mean, you gotta like Magic, right? Let's               see, on the road, on the road, on the road, on the road, back on the fourteenth. They play the Bulls. You can't miss Air Jordan..

(Scene ends.)

(Nightclub)

JERRY You know, I really.. I've come to the conclusion that there are certain friends in you life that they're just always your friends and you have to accept it. You see them, you don't really want to see them. You don't call them. They call you. You don't call back. They call again. The only way to get through talking with people that you don't really have anything in common with is to pretend you're hosting your own little talk show. This is what I do. You pretend there's a little desk around you. The only problem with this is there's no way you can say, "Hey, it's been great having you on the show. Were out of time." THE END