Lame Gretzky

Adult Adam: Hockey... a time-honored tradition for the Goldberg gang.

My dad raised us watching the Flyers and dreamed of us being as cool and tough as the Broad Street bullies.

Of course, what I lacked in size and strength, I made up for with clumsiness and asthma.

My costume is so uncomfortable.

It's a jersey, not a costume.

Geez.

It didn't matter that I was a total scrub.

My dad thought I could be great someday, and I didn't want to let him down.

You ready?

Hell yeah.

I'm ready to hockey it up.

There he is, my little ice angel.

Remember our rule: The real winner is safety.

It's the big leagues, Bevy.

He's in Junior Peewee now.

This is the year that Adam scores his first goal.

Murray, I don't understand why you insist he plays.

Adam, be careful on that ice. It's very slippery.

Why don't you just skate around with him all game and make sure he stays safe?

I know you're joking, but I would do that if the situation presented itself.

Hockey wasn't my thing, but it was Barry's everything.

Whoo! What a hit!

I don't think he's getting up.

I told you... flyers got to hit to win.

[ Grating voice ] I'm Freddy Krueger!

I'm gonna haunt your dreams, fool!

What's he doing?

Just ignore him.

[ Growls ] Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma.

He'll wear himself out.

[ Growls ] Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma.

That's enough. That's enough.

Let me watch the game. Stop.

Just watch the game, Adam.

My dad took hockey very seriously, and my brother, Barry, did, too.

Out of all the things he thought he was good at, this one he actually was.

[ Buzzer sounds ]

Barry: Goal!

And my dad loved going to his games.

Look at you! Look at you!

But when it came to my games, not so much.

Go, Adam!

[ Cheering ]

Even so, my dad dragged his ass to those stands to cheer me on.

No, no! The other way!

But he never stopped believing that one day I would score that first goal and live up to the Goldberg potential.

Do something!

Then, it finally happened.

My moment... my big shot to make my dad proud.

♪

[ Buzzer sounds ]

Or so I thought.

Yes! I finally scored!

Yeah.

Damn it, Goldberg. You scored on our goal.

[ Crowd jeering ]

I call a do-over!

That's a thing in sports, right?

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪ ♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪ ♪ I don't know the future ♪ ♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was February 25, 1980-something.

My sister was prepping for the SATs and my mom was gonna be there every step of the way with words of support and encouragement.

Okay, I don't want to make a big deal about this, but your entire life is literally riding on this one test.

You've made that very clear.

Now stop hovering.

Sorry. I'll just be quietly over here.

[ Clangs ]

Aah! What the hell?

This test is all about how you handle distraction.

Focus your mind.

Shut out the world.

Mom.

I don't think there are going to be any explosions at the test center.

You don't know that.

It could be underneath a discotheque, or next to a fireworks factory, or in a bad part of South Philly, like where your gym teacher got arrested.

You're not helping.

And time! Pencils down.

Okay, you didn't even answer the last 10 questions.

What's wrong with you?

You're what's wrong with me!

You know what?

That's fine. I'm done for the night.

The night has just begun, missy.

Tuchus down, now.

Look, my SAT tutor said that taking too many practice tests will burn you out.

And that's why I fired her.

You fired Wendy Woo?

I fired Wendy Woo.

She was happy and kind and patient... ugh.

Three terrible qualities in a tutor.

But don't worry. I hired someone else.

She'll be here momentarily.

What? What's happening?

Surprise!

No.

It's me! I'm your new tutor!

Stop doing what you're doing.

Erica, the fate of your college career rides on this one single test, and trust me, I know how important college is.

The biggest regret of my life is dropping out to have you.

Oh, that sounded awful.

I am just gonna keep on talking until it fixes itself.

Has it fixed itself?

No.

I think it has. Here.

I've gone through tests from the past 10 years and compiled all the most difficult math problems.

Do them now.

What? These are way too hard.

I believe in you.

While my mom was turning the screws on Erica, my dad had given up on me.

What are you doing? The Flyers are on.

I got news for you, Albert.

I'm done with hockey. That's right.

Adam spoiled the whole sport for me.

It happens.

Sometimes the puck deflects off you and ricochets into your own goal.

No. He aimed. He shot.

He scored. He danced!

I'm so sorry.

Why don't you just let the boy quit?

He hates hockey.

For now.

But when I force him to play against his will, he'll eventually become great.

And then his bitterness towards me will turn into love.

That, my friend, is what it means to be a dad.

Yes, that's very touching.

But maybe you should do something that Adam likes for a change.

But he likes space ships and dragons and video games.

Did you know that the Mario brothers aren't even real?

For three years, I thought they were the boys who lived across the street.

Just give it a shot.

I think you'll see that kid is into some pretty cool stuff.

[ Breathing heavily ]

Hey, Dad, check it out.

Doesn't it look like I'm in zero gravity?

Yeah. So, this is what you do, huh?

Making a Sci-Fi movie.

Yeah, space stuff.

You ever do any westerns or gritty cop dramas?

No, not my genres.

Although, technically, Star Wars was a Western, and Robocop was incredibly dark.

So just space stuff.

Well, you need a hand?

Really?

Yeah, sure. I'll, um, hold the camera or something.

Do you want to act in it?

Do I?

Awesome!

Lie down on the bed, and whatever happens, don't move.

Lie down and don't move.

What do you know, I've been an actor my whole life.

Okay.

In a nutshell, you're Caine, a space miner who has an alien egg gestating in your belly.

I'm who with the what?

Get ready to freak out.

Why would I freak out?

[ Squirts ] What are you doing?

Why would you do that?

Stop! [ Growling ]

What is that?! Get it out!

Stop! Stop talking. You're dead.

You ruined my one good shirt! You're dead!

Ah.

Dad, I told you there was an alien egg in your stomach.

What do you think that means?

You know what? Let's go back to hockey.

That, I understand.

While my dad's attempt at bonding was an utter failure, my mom was pushing Erica to the next level.

How did I do already?

Okay, just know that this is a practice test and we still have a lot of work to do.

Son of a bitch. That bad?

1,280.

What?

You better come over here and hug your mama before I punch you in the face.

Oh, my God!

I thought you were just talking like a crazy person like you do every other second of the day.

But you actually helped me boost my score by like 100 points!

You're damn right I did.

And that's good enough to get you into Penn.

Forget Penn. That's good enough for Stanford.

Wait, what?

Yeah, I need a 1,300 to get in.

Only 20 more points to go.

Stanford is in California.

I know. It's so far away.

You are not going to school 20,000 miles away from me... us. The family.

You seriously won't let me go to one of the best colleges in the country?

I...[Gags]

What the hell was that?

I...[Gags, chokes]

Stop.

I...

[ Gags ] Stop doing that.

What are you doing? [ Chokes ]

I'm sorry. I can't help it.

I-I-it... Stanford's just so far away.

I...I wouldn't be able to just pop in on the weekends, and... and hang out with you and your girlfriends and try on clothes and then have you take me to the local college pubs, where you introduce me as your older sister Barbie to the cute TA's.

That's your plan?

One of them, yeah.

Well, thank God I learned how to kick ass on this test.

Thank God.

What have I done?

[ Chokes ]

Well look who it is.

Try not to score on your own goal, lame Gretzky.

Maybe, instead of being a total putz, you could actually help me?

You want my help? Quit.

Quitting isn't an option.

You know how much it matters to Dad.

I don't want to let him down.

If I cared at all, that would make me sad.

Maybe you could teach me something, so then, when I look in the stands, dad's not hiding his face in shame.

What I got can't be taught. It's called natural talent.

See, I'm the type of player who controls the flow of the game.

You, on the other hand, are a turd on ice.

I know! But there's got to be something I can do.

I guess you could always be a goon.

A goon? Like in "Goonies"?

A goon... an enforcer.

They protect the awesome players like me using violence and dirty play.

As long as they can kick butt, a goon doesn't need to shoot or score.

Teach me. I am yours to mold.

Please. Teach me how to be a goonie.

Goon!

Can we just say goonie if it helps me get there?

That meant yes, Barry would help me.

All I had to do now was learn how to fight.

Realizing a good test score meant losing her daughter, my mom changed her tutoring tactics.

Hey, study buddy.

What's all this?

I just wanted some coffee so I could stay up and study.

Well, you're in luck, because nothing keeps your energy up like warm milk and a big pile of turkey.

Don't those things put you to sleep?

No, no. The opposite is true.

I read that in a magazine I threw away.

Well, you got me this far. I trust you.

Oh, you're sweet.

Oh, listen, I was thinking, as a reward for all your hard work, you might want to let off some steam and go to see Rick Springfield on Friday night.

But that's the night before the test.

Whoa.

Okay.

Your loss, egghead.

Well, I should probably get back to work.

Oh, about that, um, I made up some new vocab cards for you to memorize.

This should get you the extra points you need to get into Stanford.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

"Scubulence, noun... the process of removing scuba equipment from a boat."

[ Chuckles ] Weird word.

Yeah, weird and real. Just like "flimjam, verb... to run backwards in a zig-zag pattern."

Got it.

Well, that makes me feel very "torkulent, adjective... delighted and a little scared."

Well, let me just flimjam out of here and, uh, good luck with your studying.

"Fidangle, verb... to finish dangling."

What the hell?

She wouldn't.

She would.

While my mom was trying to hurt Erica's chances on the SAT, Barry was teaching me how to hurt people on the ice.

Okay, ad rock, listen up.

There are a few crucial things you need to learn in order to be an enforcer.

I'm ready for this. Teach me.

We'll start with the basics.

Lesson one... this is your stick.

People like me use it to score.

People like you use it as a weapon.

Cool. Like a sword.

I can use the moves I learned in my stage-combat class.

Ow!

Lesson two... every time you say something like that, you get a nerd punch in the meaty part of your arm.

Smart. The pain will motivate me.

Nerd punch!

Ow!

Lesson three... your stick is to never touch the ice.

It's used for slashing, hooking, butt-ending, and spearing.

Any questions?

Aren't all those penalties?

Nerd punch!

Aah.

Lesson four... fighting.

But I didn't learn lessons one through three yet.

Maybe you did, maybe you didn't.

I didn't.

Or did you?

I didn't!

Nerd punch!

Now, the trick to a hockey fight is the first person who sheds their gloves strikes first.

Go! Again!

Come on, hurry, hurry, hurry.

Again!

Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick!

You're gonna lose to a kid with looser gloves.

Again!

I think I got it now.

You got it when I say you got it.

Which is now.

Lesson five, and the most important lesson of them all... when you're in a fight, you grab the bottom of your opponent's jersey and yank it over his head, like so.

Stop it! I can't see!

Good. You're learning.

Lesson six... watch out for elbows.

Ah!

There's my little genius.

You all geared up for the big test tomorrow?

All thanks to your help.

You know, I thought a lot about what you said, and I decided that Penn is a great choice for me.

Oh, it's happening.

We're going to Penn!

I know!

I'm so excited that I decided to get a head start on my essay for their application.

Here it is.

"I believe that the University of Pennsylvania is the right school for me because of its torkulent history and diligord reputation."

Oh, boy.

Don't stop. Keep going.

Ah, I'd rather not.

Okay, Pops, would you mind?

"I feel that I could really benefit from being part of its cromtormulous student body and weepeggle faculty."

Weepeggle? What the [Bleep]

Keep reading.

"I would be bumgubbled to quarp a university that is so vernaciously proggle that even the most zeticent student could gobulate."

Gobulate?

Honest question... when you wrote this, were you smoking a jazz cigarette?

Oh, it's much worse than that.

I have a mother that taught me fake vocab words to screw me out of the college I want to go to.

What? That's crazy.

That is crazy, right?

I can explain.

Oh, no.

What kind of mother sabotages her daughter?

Who does that?

Just go to Penn.

It's only 20 minutes away.

I can cook for you and do your laundry and clean your room because it's only 20 minutes away, so you should live here and commute.

Oh, well, I've got news for you.

California ain't far enough away.

I'm going to Japan university.

That's right. Good luck popping in on me there.

Do you really think that'll stop me?

I'll fly halfway around the planet just to see you every weekend if I have to.

Fine! Then I'll just colonize the moon and go to college there!

Then I'll get on a rocket every weekend just so I can give you a hug.

You can't do that!

Oh, I can.

And I will bring you Tang and I'll iron your space suit and I'll take your alien roommates to Bennigans!

I hate that you love me so much!

While my mom and Erica had taken the gloves off, I was about to do the same.

[ Yells ]

Nooo!

This wasn't the plan!

Fight back, Adam!

Use your stick, just like I taught you!

You taught him what?

Nothing. I taught him nothing.

No, no, stop! I'm the enforcer.

You can't enforce the enforcer.

Ball up!

Curl into a ball!

Dear God, no!

[ Buzzer sounds ]

Adam! Get back here. We need to talk.

No. Just leave me alone.

This is your fault, you moron.

I'm a moron?

Adam's the one who got suspended for fighting.

Yeah, you're the one who taught him how to fight!

I was trying to help him.

All he wanted to do was impress you.

How's it supposed to impress me to have him dragged by the face and turned into a human hockey puck?

I don't know.

You won't let him quit, so what else is he supposed to do?

Do you know why I won't let him quit?

You and I have a ton in common.

We talk about sports, food, cars.

But Adam... this is all we've got, and if you take hockey away, there's a good chance that Adam and I might never speak again.

I see what you're saying.

I'm your favorite son.

Didn't say that.

I get it.

No, you don't.

You love me more.

You're an idiot.

You can say it all you want.

You're an idiot.

But we all know how you really feel.

You're an idiot.

I get it.

Just stop.

Okay.

Listen, I know Adam's hobbies are weird to us.

No. Weird to everyone.

But the kid tried for five years to do your thing.

Maybe now it's time to try his thing for more than five minutes.

That's pretty smart, Barry.

Of course! I'm your favorite.

And back to stupid.

Poopie, can Mama come in?

Let me guess.

You're here with "directions" to the new test center that doesn't exist?

I'm here to apologize.

What I did was wrong.

You know, you always say you want what's best for your children, but, really, you just want what's best for you.

Okay, I was selfish.

But... I just love you so much.

I never want to let you go.

And you think that that's supposed to make what you did any better?

Look... I know you're gonna go off to college one day, but the reality of you moving all the way across the country and starting a whole new life, that freaked me out.

But I know this isn't about me, so if Stanford is what you want, then, damn it, we are gonna get you into Stanford.

Do you mean that?

I don't.

Understood.

But I'll work on it.

And maybe in a year or so... I will.

You know, um... I never finished college, so I could always apply.

Don't ruin the hug.

Okay.

[ Big country's "In A Big Country" plays ]

Hey. How you doing?

Well, I discovered the only thing worse than scoring on your own goal is getting scored into your own goal.

Look, I know you're not enjoying hockey, and I'm not enjoying you not enjoying hockey, so I thought, "there has to be something else we can do together."

Please don't make me play football.

No, no, no. No sports. Done with sports.

So, I went to the store, and I got you a family-size bottle of ketchup and a three pack of t-shirts for you to ruin, in case you want to give that alien movie thing another try.

You mean it?

Yeah. Why not?

Well, if we do this, we do it right.

♪ I never took the smile away from anybody's face ♪ ♪ And that's a desperate way to look for someone ♪ ♪ Who is still a child ♪ ♪ In a big country ♪

[ Groaning ]

[ Screaming ]

Oh! Oh, my God!

Call the robot president!

[ Chomping ]

My dad learned that, while I was nothing like him, he could meet me halfway, and even though I didn't play hockey anymore, he still had Barry...

Barry: Goal! [ Whistle blows ]

Oh, yeah! All, man! Whoo!

...which was a mixed bag.

Put it in, scorekeeper. Put it in.

As for Erica, she was feeling quite torkulent as she sat down to take the SAT.

Nothing would stop her, not even fireworks.

Woman: And begin.

Mail just came.

Oh, my God!

I knew you could do it.

I may actually go to California.

I'll follow you to the moon, baby.

♪ In a big country, dreams stay with you ♪

In the end, my parents realized all they could do was let us be who we wanted to be and just enjoy the ride.

♪ Stay alive ♪

And we're rolling. "Alien Dad... The Sequel."

Okay, here's the backstory.

You're a space miner about to explore an alien vessel all by yourself.

By myself? An alien vessel? No, no, no, no.

Let's just send in a dog or something.

A dog?

We'll give it a flashlight. Strap a camera on its back.

You're on a solo mission. There is no dog.

Only a moron would go on a ship by himself.

Well, you're going in there, so I guess you're a moron.

How are things going in here?

He's refusing to go on the alien ship.

Murray, just go in the damn ship.

Fine! I will go in the damn ship.

Good, 'cause now an alien attacks your face and implants an egg inside your belly.

Well, that's exactly the reason I didn't want to go in.

[ ding! ]

[ Ding! ]

[ Ding! ]