How the Griffin Stole Christmas

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ Is violence in movies and s*x on TV ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ All the things that make us ♪ ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

TV announcer: We now return to How David Lynch Stole Christmas.

(BOX RATTLING)

Hello. I got you a present.

It's a thumb. (SCREAMS)

Don't look away.

Let the fear wash over you.

I don't understand.

That's the whole point.

Now, did you leave a plate of black coffee out for me?

No.

In the future, please leave a plate of black coffee out for me.

Also in the past.

You guys, what are you doing watching TV?

It's snowing.

Really?

Wow, it's so beautiful!

Isn't it?

And you know what's a miracle, kids?

Every single snowflake is exactly alike.

I don't think that's right.

No, it's true. Just like fingerprints.

All right, you guys ready for church?

Church? What are you, an idiot?

It's the first snow of the season.

We're going sledding.

Please, can we, Mom?

Well, I mean, it's Sunday, and...

Come on, Lois. After all, sledding was the second passion of the Christ.

Eat this, for this is my dust!

My sled has Dora on it 'cause my parents got it at a yard sale.

It's still for boys though.

She's about language acquisition, not gender.

Sorry, fun-seekers, this hill is closed to sledding.

What? What are you talking about?

Too many pansy-ass parents sue the city when their kids sprain a finger or crush their skull on a bumper.

I'm afraid sledding has been banned in Quahog.

You can't do that! Last time I checked, this is still the United States of Tara.

Obscure reference.

And I'm not gonna let anybody tell me where I can and cannot sled!

Yeah, you're right.

Power to the people!

The whole world is watching! The whole world is watching!

What... what just happened?

Who cares? Last one down the hill...

(CRASH)

Oh, my God!

Mayor West: Call my mom!

I crushed my skull on a bumper!

(SHOUTING, LAUGHING)

You serious? All this white stuff used to be water?

Mm. My word.

Joe, what are you riding on?

Oh, it's a bedpan. I got a ton of these at home.

You make every activity incredibly sad.

(PANTING)

There you are. Where have you been?

I just ran home to get the big sled out of our dining room.

What are you talking about?

We don't have a sled in our dining room.

Everybody on!

Peter, the dining room table is an antique.

It's been in my family for six generations.

It's fine.

Okay, now, since we're white guys doing something stupid, everybody grab a GoPro.

(ALL SHOUTING, LAUGHING)

Peter: Yeah, this is awesome!

Oh, we're drifting.

W-We're turning. We're turning!

Meg: Dad, I'm scared.

Chris: We're backwards!

Peter: Am I the only one who thinks that now we're at an alarming speed?

(THUMPING, CRASHING)

(CAR ALARM WAILING)

(ALL GROANING)

Peter, are you insane?!

You could have killed the entire family!

Sorry, Lois. I honestly thought this was gonna be fun.

Like when I won that s*x contest.

Peter: First again!

Wasn't even close, was it?

Lois: No, Peter, it wasn't even close.

Peter: Yeah, you are terrible at this.

Now, why don't you clean up and go get the champ a Gatorade, huh?

You wearing pants always amuses me.

Yeah, I know. It's just I got roped into going to some stupid office Christmas party with this girl I'm dating.

Really? I thought you just went to an office Christmas party with her last week.

What? Oh, no, um...

No, that-that was this other girl I was dating.

Um, her name was... Kow-ooch.

Did you just say "couch," but pronounce it strangely so it sounded like a name?

What's going on, Brian?

(SIGHS) All right, look, I've been crashing office Christmas parties for the free booze and drunk women who don't want to spend the holidays alone.

Oh, so you're a Christmas party creep.

Just like the fat man is a pool party creep.

Now, Chris, you're getting older, so it's time for you to learn the classic pool party game "Talk to Somebody's Wife in a Bikini Until They Cover Up Uncomfortably."

So, Bonnie, how are things going?

Oh, things are fine.

Been kind of busy lately, what with Susie starting to...

Okay, bye.

Man, that's, like, two seconds.

Hey, Peter. Hey, what have you been watching on TV lately?

Oh, you know, this and that.

There's a show called Shipping Wars.

Uh, it's actually kinda... Okay, bye.

Oh, boy, the Marshalls is now a Nordstrom.

I feel like our days at this mall are numbered.

Well, we have $60.

Let's see what kind of Chinese pressed-board garbage we can get to replace my grandmother's priceless mahogany table.

Dad, look, Santa's here!

I want to sit on his lap.

Geez, Chris, come on. You're in high school.

I'm gonna ask him for a family trampoline.

Holy crap, get your ass up there!

(SIGHS) You know what, Peter?

I'll get the table myself.

And then I might just sit in that car in the middle of the mall and cry.

Geez, look at this line.

Yeah, no kidding. And it's not moving.

Me and my adopted son have been waiting quite a while.

Wait, what... Why did you...

I didn't even ask.

So is your son a biolog?

What... I'm not...

I-I don't watch Modern Family, sorry.

Hey, Chris, wait here. I'm gonna see what's going on.

Hey, Muscles, what's taking so long?

I'm sorry, sir. This may shock you, but it turns out the seasonal Santa we hired has a drinking problem.

And I don't know where to find a replacement on such short notice.

Hey, you're a hefty guy.

I called you "Muscles."

Would you mind putting on the suit and playing Santa, just until the shift ends?

I'd pay you for your time.

All right, fine.

I mean, it's not the first time I pretended to be someone else.

I once dressed as a farmer to get a date on FarmersOnly.com.

Are you Peter?

Yeah. A-Are you the gross lady who lives in the converted horse trailer?

♪ You don't have to be lonely ♪ ♪ At FarmersOnly.com ♪

It doesn't say "whites only," but... yeah.

'Sup? Slammin' pantsuit.

Hey, I'm Scott Fitzgerald.

You probably don't recognize me 'cause I'm in corporate.

So am I. This is corporate.

(CHUCKLES) A little too much so, if you ask me.

I... I try to have fun, right?

I-I mean, we're not, we're not landing planes here.

Our company manufactures aircraft landing gear systems.

Yep, uh-huh.

Well, I am going to fly us over a few more drinks.

(IMITATING PLANE ENGINE)

Stewie? What are you doing here?

I followed you. I had to see for myself just how desperate and pathetic you really are.

And don't worry, I'm not sticking around this sad little... Ooh!

Is that rolled-up ham for everyone?

Yeah. Okay.

Well, I'll see you at home...

Woman: Hey, everyone, karaoke's starting!

Well, I could watch and make fun for just a few... Oh, my God!

They have a photo booth with funny props!

Oh, I call the big funny glasses!

♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell ♪

(CAMERA CLICKING)

♪ Jingle bell rock ♪ ♪ Jingle bell swing ♪ ♪ And jingle bells ring... ♪

And I want a tricycle and a pony and an American Girl doll and a drone with a camera and a gun that fires...

Ho, ho, ho. Yeah, sure, all of it.

All right, now, go pick up your picture.

And before you go crying to your mom, that's my cell phone you're feeling.

Hey, Santa Claus, you going home soon?

Well, depending on how traffic is at the North Pole.

(CHUCKLES)

So what can I get for you today?

Milk and cookies?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, okay.

Sorry I started this.

Chicken burrito, please.

There you go. Merry Christmas.

Uh, how much do I, uh...

Oh, come on, I'm not charging Santa Claus.

It's on the house.

This is free because I'm dressed as Santa?

That's right. Anything for Santa.

Anything?

Holy crap, this is awesome!

I'm Santa Claus.

In this suit I'm like a god.

(SOBBING)

I got a free burrito!

Ugh, look at these two lumps.

♪ Up on the housetop click, click, click ♪ ♪ Slipped on the chimney and broke his... ♪

Mornin'.

♪ pen1s ♪

Dad, why are you still wearing that Santa suit?

Well, the guy at the mall asked me to stay on till Christmas, and I said yes, 'cause being Santa's awesome.

You wear this suit, it's like a free pass.

People let you do anything you want.

What are you talking about?

Oh, it's the stuff of dreams, Lois.

Free burritos, free orange chicken, free pretzels.

Did you make it out of the food court?

I made it to the border.

I got a free iPhone case and a tiny license plate.

It says "Corey."

Yep. Cost me zilch.

So, who's this "Mary Christmas" everybody keeps talking about?

(LAUGHS) Oh... that's very clever.

I don't recognize you.

Which department are you in?

Well, right now I'm in Boob Assessment.

Eww.

Hey, you were right about office Christmas parties.

They're fantastic!

Uh-huh, okay.

I'm gonna keep looking around the room while you talk.

Yes, it's like watching a soap opera, what with all the drunken misbehavior and ill-advised hookups.

And down the hall they're doing a "white elephant."

Oh, that gift-exchange thing?

No, there's a fat secretary taking on all comers.

Where, uh, uh, which office is that in?

Oh, you won't miss her. She's still wearing the felt antlers.

Absolute freak show in there.

Hey, what the hell's going on?

Oh, Santa. I-I'm sorry.

I didn't realize this was your car.

That's right. Now, crumple up that ticket.

Now eat it!

All right, now we're gonna go to your home and wait for you to pass it, and then you're gonna eat it again.

Hey, honey, this is Santa.

He's gonna come in and watch me in the bathroom.

Oh, just like the Easter Bunny did.

Exactly.

I got a lot of guys coming through here.

Announcer: The next composition is Opus Dei, Dei Dei Pater, seventh movement, by Chopin.

(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)

Announcer: Correction. The next composition is 1-877-Kars-4-Kids.

(SYMPHONIC MUSIC BEGINS PLAYING)

♪ 1-877-Kars-4-Kids ♪ ♪ K-A-R-S Kars-4-Kids ♪ ♪ 1-877-Kars-4-Kids ♪ ♪ Donate your car today... ♪

I lost my virginity to this song.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Ugh, this party's a dud.

Yeah, no kidding.

That lady turned off a Hall & Oates song because it was "too provocative."

Female employee: Everyone, let's remember, this is still a workplace.

Male employee: Sorry, Barb.

You know what? I got an idea.

I'm gonna stir up some drama, make this party interesting.

(CLINKING)

Excuse me? Uh, could I have your attention please? Hi.

Hi, I'm Chadwick Redmayne from the regional office.

Unfortunately, since people only use printers now to print out boarding passes for their grandparents, 40% of you will be laid off as of Monday.

Oh, and whoever drinks the most shots keeps their job.

(ALL GASP)

See? That's how you get a party started.

Mr. Redmayne, I don't know who you are, but I've been in charge of this office for 16 years...

Sad.

And I want to thank you.

I've been trying to reduce our staff costs for months, but just didn't have the guts to do it, much less before Christmas.

Yeah, well, that's why they send in Channing Redwick, or Chadmayne, or whatever, I don't even remember what I said.

We could use someone like you around here.

Welcome aboard. See you Monday.

Wow, a paying, grown-up job!

I haven't been this excited about anything since the night Wicked premiered in Quahog.

All right, Brian, let's rob these gay guys.

What if they're home?

They're not gonna be home.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Women: Bye, Santa!

(SLURRING): Bye, strippers!

Uh, you can all take your clothes off now, I was just comin' in for the spaghetti.

Aah! Bitch!

Ah, that hurts.

Ah, I'm drunk.

Heart's beatin' fast.

Spaghetti angel!

I'm makin' a spaghetti angel.

When Italian guys die, they... they turn into... into... into... (SNORING)

Man: Peter.

Peter Griffin.

Peter? We need to talk.

Who... (GROANS) Who are you?

I'm the real Santa Claus.

Awesome! Okay, my first wish is for a thousand wishes.

Yes!

That's not me. That's a genie.

Okay, then my first wish is for a genie.

Again, you'd need a genie.

How wasted are you?

Don't judge me.

You live in a bottle.

It's a lamp. And I'm not a genie!

All right, come on now, pal, seriously, who are you really?

I already told you, I'm Santa Claus.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if you're Santa, then what did I ask for for Christmas when I was 12?

Nothing.

Because it was the year you found that Penthouse in the woods.

(GASPS) You really are Santa!

Am I really heavier than you?

I-I got to, I got to take control.

Look, I'm not very happy with you.

You can't go around in that suit pretending you're me and acting like a complete jackass.

What are you talking about? People love me.

They give me free stuff.

No, they love me.

You're just exploiting my brand for personal gain and destroying my reputation.

So there's, like, no toilet on the sleigh, so you're, you're just, you're just crapping in people's houses, right?

You're not hearing me.

Stop wearing that suit, or else.

Or else what?

Or else I will put you at the top of my naughty list.

You know, you're not talking to a little kid anymore, so get the hell out of my face, Santa.

I like this suit, and I'm keeping it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, you're standing in my strip club spaghetti.

I got to get this home to my family for supper.

(ENGINE STARTS)

You better watch out.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC STING)

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND)

Gail?

Gail, is your Internet working?

Mine's slow.

(GAIL SOBS AND SNIFFLES)

Oh, my God, Gail, what happened?

I just found out I'm part of the downsizing you announced.

Oh, no.

So your Internet, is it... is it slow?

Gail, you were supposed to be gone an hour ago.

Hey, give her a break, man.

This is Gail Devereaux-Slansky.

Oh, it's just Gail Devereaux now.

Oof. Tough week.

Why don't you stop rubbernecking and finish that payroll report I asked for?

I can't believe I got fired.

And right before the holidays.

Oh, God, I've ruined Christmas.

Like the Little Drummer Boy when he got really into Neil Peart.

(DRUMMING)

♪ Our finest gifts we bring ♪ ♪ Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum ♪

(COMPLEX DRUM SOLO)

(GONG CRASHES, STICKS CRACK)

Christmas is gonna be sick!

So, Dad, now that you made Santa mad, aren't you scared he's gonna do something bad to you?

Ah, Santa's all talk.

He ain't gonna do nothing.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Hey, Peter.

Ready to go to Build-A-Bear?

What? What are you talking about?

I got your text.

It says, "Hey, Joe, cancel your plans.

Let's go to Build-A-Bear." I didn't send you a...

Oh, son of a bitch, Santa.

Joe, I did not send you a text.

Well, you sent another text that says, "Hey, Joe, it's definitely me, Peter, who sent the text."

Damn it, he covered all bases.

What do you think, Peter?

Maybe a little sun hat for Cindy?

Whatever, I'm done with my bear. Let's get out of here.

Well, the text you sent earlier would disagree.

You said, "No matter what I say, I want to build multiple bears."

Joe, I swear to you, I do not want to do that.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

News flash, Peter, looks like you do.

Would anyone like to lead the family in a holiday prayer?

I'll tell you who should be saying his prayers, Santa.

He messes with me, I mess with him.

That's why I replaced one of his flying reindeer with an ordinary, non-magical one.

(WIND BLOWING, BELLS JINGLING)

(BELLOWING)

Cut it off, cut it off!

(CONTINUES BELLOWING AND WHINNYING)

You know, I think this year is gonna be the best...

(LOUD CRASH, PLATES SHATTER)

Yay, free horse!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

What the hell?

Hey, Chris, get in here.

This is impossible, right?

All of Meg's farts here in this box?

I would think that's impossible.

Yeah, right? That's impossible.

Is this the box? Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, that's impossible. I know, it's impossible.

Right... O-okay, all right, I'm opening it.

Unless whoever sent it was magic.

Oh, well, now that's interesting.

Chad, we got to talk about this report.

Why do you write all your twos backwards?

Well, you know it's a two, so why are we talking?

Fix it, or you're fired.

You know what?

I thought working in a cubicle at a mid-sized printing company would be the adventure of a lifetime.

Instead, it's been nothing but tedium and cruelty.

It's time to set things right.

Here you go, Warren.

Merry Christmas.

$11,000?

Yes, it's the maximum check amount I'm authorized to cut.

Cash it fast.

Merry Christmas, cash it fast. Merry Christmas, cash it fast.

Merry Christmas, cash it fast.

Thanks, Chadwick. This is awesome.

I think you mean "Happy Holidays."

You got to be kidding me.

(CHUCKLING): Oh, this is too good.

(GIGGLES)

Point, Griffin.

Let's see you top...

(CHOKING)

Now you gonna listen?

Now you gonna listen, you little bitch?

Whose suit are you wearing?

Your suit!

Whose suit?

Your suit!

It's your suit!

(GROANING AND GASPING)

(YELLS)

Okay, okay, I'll never wear that Santa suit again.

Just stop terrorizing me and take me off the naughty list.

You promise?

Yes!

Thank you.

I've always known you were a good boy deep inside, Peter.

And just so you know there are no hard feelings, this is for you.

It's that Penthouse you found in the woods.

(GASPS) With Vanessa Williams and George Burns on the cover?

I'm glad you like it.

I had to buy it from a really creepy guy on the Internet.

Look, Santa, I owe you an apology.

I'm sorry I took advantage of your good name.

You spread so much joy and wonder to kids everywhere, and I just used that to get stuff for myself.

Apology accepted.

And truth is, you weren't the worst Santa.

This was the worst Santa.

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Oh, and that's another thing.

It's "Ho, ho, ho."

Everybody pronounces it wrong.

It's very irritating.

(WHISTLES)

So long, Peter.

Glad to have you back on the nice list.

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS)

Merry Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho.

Peter: And that was the Christmas I would never forget. Until I went home and had, like, 50 beers, and did forget. But only after I screamed myself into a blackout while my whole family held me down. Merry Christmas.