The Convergence Convergence

(Leonard and Beverly in the car driving to the apartment)
 * Beverly: How dare you invite your father without consulting me!
 * Leonard: (angrily) I'm sorry, but I don't think I need your permission to have my father at my wedding.
 * Beverly: You do understand our marriage ended because he had an affair.
 * Leonard: I know and there is no excuse for that.
 * Beverly: He claimed I was cold, emasculating, and hadn't shown him any physical affection for years.
 * Leonard: (To himself) I was wrong, there are three excuses for that.

(Leonard and Alfred coming up the stairs to the apartment)
 * Leonard: Oh, we have to use the stairs.
 * Alfred: When are they going to fix your elevator?
 * Leonard: Oh, any day now.
 * Alfred: Well the stairs are fine. Besides your mother is up there. Maybe I'll have a heart attack and not have to see her.
 * Leonard: I know things are a little rough with you and Mom, but I'm really glad you're here.
 * Alfred: Me too. I should have never have had that angioplasty because I feel fine.
 * Leonard: Penny's really looking forward to seeing you.
 * Alfred: Ah, she's a sweetie. You got a good one there, Leonard.
 * Leonard: Thank you, Dad.
 * Alfred: How the hell did you do that?

(Mary, Beverly, Sheldon, Amy and Penny waiting in the apartment - much uncomfortable silence. Penny crunches a celery stick, then Amy crunches a chip.)
 * Sheldon: Well isn't this nice.
 * Leonard: (Enters apartment with Alfred) Hey, we're here.
 * Penny: Alfred! Thank you for coming.
 * Alfred: Oh, I'm happy to be here. Congratulations.
 * Leonard: Dad you remember Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: Dr. Hofstadter.
 * Alfred: Dr. Cooper.
 * Leonard: And this is Sheldon's mother Mary.
 * Alfred: How do you do.
 * Mary: Nice to meet you.
 * Leonard: And this is Amy his girlfriend.
 * Alfred: A pleasure.
 * Amy: Hi.
 * Leonard: And of course there's Mom.
 * Alfred: Hello my hateful shrew.
 * Beverly: Hello to you, you wrinkled old bastard.
 * Sheldon: OK, now I'm starting to sense a little tension.

(In the restaurant)
 * Alfred: (To Mary) Now one of the more interesting things we have found lately is that Neanderthals and Homo sapiens frequently mated with each other.
 * Mary: Well that certainly explains my marriage to Sheldon's father.
 * Sheldon: (To Amy) That's funny because my father was not a clever man.
 * Amy: I'd be lost without you.
 * Leonard: I'd like to make a toast to my wife and bride to be.
 * Sheldon: (To Amy) That's funny because . ..
 * Amy: Back to your phone.
 * Leonard: Penny. I’ve always known I loved you, but this last year has shown me that I also love being married to you. Thank you for saying yes.
 * Penny: Oh, thanks for asking until I did. [Kiss.]
 * (Alfred and Mary are seen smiling while Sheldon is still on his phone, Beverly isn't quite smiling and Amy holds up her glass)
 * Amy: Hear, hear.
 * Leonard: Cheers.
 * Alfred: I, uh, I would also like to make a toast. Leonard. I am so happy that you found a woman who loves and cares for you.
 * Beverly: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
 * Alfred: Why don't you take a pill?
 * Beverly: Like you did before sex?
 * Alfred: What I really needed was a blindfold.

(Penny, Leonard and Sheldon back in the apartment after the dinner)
 * Sheldon: (Trying to call his mother) She's still not answering.
 * Leonard: (Trying to contact his father) My father's not texting me back.
 * Penny: (In a sing-song manner) Cause they both turned their phones off.
 * Sheldon: I don't like this at all.
 * Leonard: I don't like it either.
 * Penny: Really? (Bursts out laughing) Cause I love it.

(In Leonard and Penny's bedroom)
 * Leonard: Hey.
 * Penny: Hi. How was the screening?
 * Leonard: Oh, Sheldon invoked Rosa Parks to make somebody who cut the line fee bad, but only the white people felt bad.
 * Penny: Ugh, I should’ve never bought him that coloring book that explained Black History month.
 * Leonard: How’d it go with my mother?
 * Penny: Uh, you know, it started a little rocky, but I think we got to a good place.
 * Leonard: Wow. Well done.
 * Penny: Yeah and when I dropped her off at the hotel she even gave me a hug.
 * Leonard: Did she think you were choking or…I’m sorry. That’s great. Thank you for spending time with her.
 * Penny: No problem. Um, so listen. I don’t know if you have any plans for next weekend, but I kind of promised your mom we’d have another wedding ceremony so she could attend this time.
 * Leonard: What. We’re gonna get married again?
 * Penny: Yeah, kind of, but now we can invite our friends and family.
 * Leonard: Seems a lot of trouble for a hug.
 * Penny: Come on, it’ll be fun, and, you know, your mom was genuinely hurt we didn’t invite her to the first one.
 * Leonard: Look, in our defense, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing, and also, we don’t like her.
 * Penny: Leonard, come on, she’s your mom. If we can do something to make her happy, why wouldn’t we
 * Leonard: I just said why – we don’t like her.
 * Penny: Okay look, then forget about her, let’s do this for us. We keep it small and informal. This time we can invite our families.
 * Leonard: Is your brother out of prison?
 * Penny: Uh, thanks to overcrowding, yeah.
 * Leonard: I’d love it if my dad could come.
 * Penny: Oh you have to invite him. I haven’t seen him since the divorce.
 * Leonard: Oh, he’s like a different man. Oh. He stopped twitching, and I think he grew an inch and a half.
 * Penny: Well then it’s settled.
 * Leonard: Okay.
 * Penny: Yay. So funny. I never thought my second marriage would be to you!

(The Posse in the kitchen)
 * Penny: Okay, so it’s not a legal ceremony, it’s just a chance for us to redo our vows so everyone can be part of it.
 * Amy: So there’s no maid of honor?
 * Penny: No.
 * Amy: Huh. But if I were to, say wear a purple sating dress with a sweetheart neckline and stand near you, you wouldn’t be able to stop me, right?
 * Penny: I don’t see how I could.
 * Amy: Then I graciously accept.
 * Bernadette: Who’s going to officiate?
 * Penny: I was kind of hoping you would.
 * Amy: Wait, now I’m just some lousy maid of honor?


 * Mary: It was nice of Leonard and Penny to invite me.
 * Sheldon: Well, actually…
 * Amy: It sure was.
 * Mary: I’ve always had a special place in my heart for Leonard. Taking care of my baby all these years.
 * Sheldon: Excuse me, I take care of him.
 * Mary: Sure you do.

(Mary and Beverly are barely talking to each other.)
 * Penny: Whew, chilly.
 * Amy: I think I can see my breath.

(Howard lists a few movies where the government took over the situation.)
 * Bernadette: You do realize those weren’t documentaries, right?

(In the car on the way to the restaurant.)
 * Beverly: Penny, I hope the example of my failed marriage to Leonard’s father doesn’t discourage you from the commitment you’ve made to one another.
 * Penny: Oh, of course not.
 * Beverly: Although Alfred and I had a lot more going for us than you two.

(In the car on the way to the restaurant.)
 * Mary: So Alfred, what is it that you do for a living?
 * Alfred: Oh, I’m an anthropologist. I study ancient peoples and cultures.
 * Mary: MY goodness, so all the way back to the Flood.
 * Alfred: [Laughing.]
 * Sheldon: Don’t laugh. She wasn’t joking.
 * Amy: Play with your phone.
 * Alfred: Well, on that note there are many cultures that have an apocalyptic flood as a part of their mythology.
 * Mary: I don’t have a mythology. I have the unerring Word of God. But that’s very interesting.
 * Alfred: Oh. I-I don’t mean to disparage your faith. Actually I admire it.
 * Mary: Really?
 * Alfred: Yes, I’m an agnostic myself, but I prayed, many times, to God to turn my wife into a pillar of salt.
 * Mary: Well, he came close. Turned her into a giant block of ice. [Laughter]

(Leonard's toast to Penny.)
 * Leonard: Penny. I’ve always known I loved you, but this last year has shown me that I also love being married to you. Thank you for saying yes.
 * Penny: Oh, thanks for asking until I did. [Kiss.]
 * Amy: Hear, hear.

(Alfred and Mary are seen smiling happily)
 * Leonard: Cheers.
 * Alfred: I, uh, I would also like to make a toast. Leonard. I am so happy that you found a woman who loves and cares for you.
 * Beverly: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

(Mary trying to calm the atmosphere.)
 * Mary: All right everyone. Calm down. "Let’s all remember what it says in the Bible: He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty.”
 * Beverly: (rudely) Oh, dear woman, can you please read another book?
 * Mary: (angrily) When God writes one, I will.