Torpedo's

Bob's Burgers!

Fresh ground meat!

Great atmosphere!

(guttural horn blast)

Gene, bring it in.

Get out of that burger suit.

We're going.

Baseball waits for no one.

(sniffs)

It smells like urine.

Did you pee in that?

I had to go!

I told you not to pee in it after I cleaned up from the...

I'm the only one who wears it.

What's the difference?

Oh, my God.

What, you don't want to buy burgers from a guy who smells like pee?

No one can place where it's coming from.

I can't believe you'll close the restaurant to go to a baseball game.

Louise, this isn't just a game.

We bought an ad at the ballpark.

That's worth closing for, right?

Oh, can't wait to see it!

It's gonna be so exciting. We're famous.

It looks like a hot dog wrapper's stuck in the net.

Like, a really tiny hot dog.

I did think it was gonna be a little bigger.

I think more people would see your ad if it was a urinal cake.

Are you kidding?

I wish I could afford a urinal cake ad.

All this talk about cake is making me hungry.

I'm gonna flag down the ice cream sandwich guy. Hey!

Play ball!

Welcome to opening day of minor league baseball.

Let's hear it for your Wonder Wharf Wonderdogs!

Please give a big Wonderdog welcome to Phe-Nom, the Korean bunt specialist!

I never realized baseball had so much butt-touching.

That's how they communicate, Tina.

It's like Braille, but with butts.

Read this!

(groans) I'm bored.

Boredom. Boring sports.

Hey, it's the seventh- inning stretch.

Time for the mascot race.

Well, hello!

Please welcome the owner of the Wonderdogs, Mr. Calvin Fischoeder!

Fish!

It's that time.

Now cheer for your favorite mascot!

Mr. Fischoeder owns the team?

He owns the ballpark, the team, Wonder Wharf.

I'm gonna marry that man.

No, you're not.

I wanna be rich!

Don't be frightened.

I have a gun!

So, get set...

(fans cheering)

Where has this sport been all my life?

You know, I wear the burger costume all the time.

Maybe I could race in one of these races, Dad.

Bob: I bet it's impossible to get in, Gene.

I'm sure you gotta know someone.

You do.

It's Mr. Fischoeder, our landlord.

The winner!

Well, I can't ask a favor of a guy I've never paid rent on time to.

You're his son, Gene.

He'll ask him.

Yay!

No, I won't.

Now taking the mound to pitch, former major league sensation, Torpedo Jones!

That can't be the same Torpe...

Kids, that's the Torpedo Jones!

I can't believe he's still playing.

God, he, he must be... my age.

I speak for everyone here when I say I don't know what a Torpedo Jones is.

Let me tell you, nobody...

We don't care.

Gene, let me finish.

Nobody...

That's what I was trying to prevent.

Nobody pitched like Torpedo.

I was there for his greatest moment: "The Pitch!"

It was 15 years ago, but I remember it like it was ten.

His pitch was the split-finger skadootch.

Torpedo clinched the pennant for us with that pitch.

If he's so good, why have we never heard of this guy?

Well, because he didn't last long in the bigs.

You know, the skadootch is just one of those pitches.

When it was on, it was really on.

But when it wasn't... it's like hitting candy out of a baby's hand... with a bat.

Wait. You mean it's hard because babies hands are so small?

No, it's easy because...

How could you hit a baby?

Nobody would hit a baby's hand with a bat in real life.

I don't understand.

Was he fired from the bigs 'cause he hit a baby with a bat?

I'm not interested in talking to you anymore.

Sorry, Gene.

I don't see Fischoeder anywhere.

Let's get going.

That's all right.

I only wanted to do it really, really bad.

Oh!

There's Torpedo!

Dad, ask Torpedo about the mascot races.

Maybe he can get Gene in.

Yeah!

Kids, come on.

I can't bother Torpedo.

He's, like, my role model.

Oh, that's creepy. Your role model is the same age as you?

I would never have another nine-year-old as my role model.

Hey, Torpedo!

My dad is a huge scout for the Baseball League of America!

Kidding. But he has a favor to ask you.

(chuckles)

Hi, I'm a huge fan.

You know, I was there for "The Pitch."

So, uh, what can I do for ya?

Picture? Autograph?

Three bucks each, both for five.

Uh, yeah, both would be great.

Dad!

Oh, and my kid wants to run in the mascot race.

You don't think...

Hey, Russell!

Some kid here wants to run in a mascot race.

For you, Torpedo, I'll make it happen.

I gotta free up one of these outfits.

No, you don't!

I got my own.

It's a burger.

Easy enough.

Thanks a lot, Torpedo.

Good luck out there, sport.

Linda, did you, did you hear that?

Torpedo Jones called me "sport."

He didn't call you "sport," he called Gene "sport."

No, he was looking right at me.

Yeah, he called me "sport" and he tussled my hair.

It was great, Gene.

You were great.

I'm a great tussle receiver.

Wow, wearing the burger suit in the mascot race, Gene.

That's advertising, huh?

Don't touch me!

It was so nice of Torpedo to give us these seats so we can watch Gene's race.

You can really make out the players' tattoos from here.

Tina: Makes you wonder about the tattoos we can't see.

(quietly): On their butts.

How you doing, Gene?

You feeling fast?

No, I feel queasy.

Got some butterflies, Ace?

Torpedo!

Want my advice, kid?

It's a mascot race; all you gotta do is stay on your feet.

Let the other guys trip over themselves.

It's time for the mascot race!

Whoo-ee!

Goodie.

Remember, you're an ambassador for our restaurant, so just y y and run well, 'cause you don't run well.

Good luck out there, sport.

Oh. Yeah, I thought earlier you called me "sport," so...

Nah, that was, that was a nickname for the kid there, Flash.

I'll take Flash.

Kids, call me Flash from now on.

Let's split the diff and call you Stinky.

Stinky! I like it!

Oh, Torpedo, here's a little thank you for getting Gene in the race.

I make burgers for a living, so it's not weird for me to give you this.

I don't think it's weird at all, Bob.

Like a good burger.

Mmm. That's a good burger.

Finish this guy back on the mound.

Ha! Torpedo Jones just said I make a good burger!

I want that on my tombstone.

Seriously, okay?

No, I already got your tombstone picked out for ya.

What, what is it?

It says, "Order up."

(chuckles)

That's good.

Let's go with that one.

Joining your Wonder Wharf mascots today is a special guest food, a burger!

A boy who is also a burger.

And I have my gun.

Ready, set...

Go get 'em, Gene!

I reinforced the crotch so he wouldn't tear it.

Win, Gene!

Avenge Dad's death!

Burt: Down goes Sammy Sea Lion!

(making explosion noises)

Ooh! It's a two-mascot race!

Burger and Captain Pel I. Can.

There they go, like two, fast, fiery... bew...!

(panting)

The burger is your winner!

(mimics trumpet fanfare)

Well, congratulations, young burger.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can purchase delicious burgers that look somewhat like him right here at the park.

And at my family's restaurant.

And, uh, what's the name of that restaurant?

Ah... it's, it's...

Bob's Burgers!

God, I'm there every day.

Bob's Burgers!

It's... Oh, God...

Gene! No!

Never mind. Never mind.

That's okay.

Bob's Burgers!

Oh, my God!

You can get everything you expect from a burger at whatever the name of his restaurant is...

Oh, oh, I just remembered!

I just remembered!

It's too late.

But you can get them here at the park, today.

No! Say it!

I won something! I won!

I won! I won something!

Yeah, and you didn't fall down like everyone else.

Tell that to your grandkids.

I will.

Gene, are you kidding me?!

The name of the restaurant is Bob's Burgers!

Well, I call you Dad!

I think of it as Dad's Burgers!

You live above it!

You work in it every day!

Bob, calm down.

Calm down. Calm down.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

He did great.

You did great, Gene.

A gold medal! Oh, we should get that bronzed!

Strike three.

You're out!

Torpedo's split-finger skadootch has suddenly started clicking.

I love that burger of yours, Bob.

Hey, after the game, let's all go to Bob's Burgers!

Whoo!

Now that's advertising, huh?

Ooh, Angel!

Do they call you that 'cause you're such a good boy?

I did many bad things to escape Cuba.

Things that haunt me in the dark of the night.

Aw...

How about another beer?

Man, you kids got a great dad, you know that?

One wife. One family.

That's the way to do it.

You know, in the majors, most guys got a whole bunch of families spread out over the 50 states.

When spring training starts, you get your Florida wife.

When it's regular season, it's open season, if you know what I'm talkin' about.

You kiss your home field wife and kids good-bye, you tell 'em you'll miss 'em, and you do.

But you still take some of their toys and re-gift 'em for your away kids.

I bet you're a great dad.

And three great husbands.

Mr. Torpedo, I couldn't help but notice that the tall boy was looking a little lethargic.

Yeah, he's got Lupus or rickets or somethin'.

I don't know why we keep giving that job to these sick kids.

I was wondering if I could offer my services.

I'm very healthy.

(grunting)

Okay, okay, okay. Whoa, whoa.

Hey, you got the job.

Just stop doing that.

Here's your first ball girl duty: bringing me one of your dad's burgers before every gam Okay.

Here's the tabacco you wanted.

And your comic books.

(speaking Spanish)

Phe-Nom, is it possible to be in love with 25 people at once?

(quietly): You're my favorite.

Don't tell Angel.

He's fiery.

Strike three!

(crowd cheering)

Sound the alarm because Torpedo is on fire!

(mimics alarm)

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Not a good idea, Burt.

It's a crowded stadium.

That Torpedo is amazing!

Has he always been this good?

No, he hasn't been good in a long time.

He says my burgers have helped him pitch better.

How does a burger help someone pitch better?

Here ya go, Bob, little souvenir.

(chuckles)

Thanks, buddy!

Whoa, slippery.

It's greasy, huh?

(sniffs)

What does this smell like?

Hey, stop sniffing Torpedo's balls.

(laughs)

Get it?

It's like you're in love with him.

(sniffs) Wait.

That's our burger.

Oh, crap. Torpedo's putting my grease on the ball.

That's how his skadootch is skadootching so much.

Your hero's using your burger grease to win. That's great!

No, Lin, Torpedo is using my burger grease to cheat.

Oh.

So you helped Torpedo cheat.

If that means the Wonderdogs keep coming to the restaurant bringing all sorts of business with them, I say big whoop, let the old man throw a greasy skadootch.

Umpire: Strike two!

(sighs) I don't even know what to think about this.

I gotta go take a leak.

Oh, get me an ice cream in a mini-helmet!

Bob. You look glum.

Oh, I, uh...

You... don't hold your... when you pee.

Why? It's not going anywhere.

Okay.

Um, well, what if you found out that someone you knew was doing something sort of bad, and you were helping them do that sort of bad thing...

Is it me?

Is it abortions?

Wait. What?

Uh, what were you saying?

Torpedo Jones is greasing the ball, and he's using my grease to do it.

Mm-mm.

Oh. Come walk with me.

Come behind the scenes!

Torpedo's dazzling pitching is putting more butts in seats than this stadium can handle.

Is the roller coaster going to be okay without those huge planks of wood?

Sure, sure!

These people aren't paying for extra wood, Bob.

No one wants to ride Extra Wood Mountain.

Whoa! Watch out!

Extra nuts and bolts.

Ow!

People come to baseball games for the same reason they come to the amusement park: To be entertained!

Does it really matter if the games are rigged? No!

The games are rigged?

Yes!

Oh. My wonderdog is hanging out.

(chuckles): Yes. Yes, it is.

I got so caught up in our conversation, I forgot to zip.

Yeah, I didn't want to say anything.

Why not?

I, uh...

Compliments are welcome.

Where was I?

You were saying the games are rigged.

Yes. The games are all rigged.

I'm not letting my kids play these games anymore.

But look at these smiling faces.

Just like those smiling faces.

Smiling at every skadootch the Torpedo throws.

They don't want to know, Bob.

They don't want to look behind the curtain.

I don't know.

It just seems like bad karma or something.

Karma? There's no such thing as karma.

(laughs)

Not in this town.

Oh, just kick 'em. Kick 'em right into the ocean!

Okay.

That's it.

Wait, why does Tornado want our old grease in a jar?

It's Torpedo, Gene.

Oh.

Uh, it helps him pitch better.

And-And don't forget, it's a secret.

Why? Is it against the rules?

Technically, yes.

So then it's cheating.

No. What it is, is helping people enjoy baseball more.

It's entertainment.

I'm confused.

Are you and Mom getting divorced?

What?

Oh, my God, you are.

I call Mom!

I call Dad!

You guys took both of them.

Enough. Go fill the condiments.

I call ketchup!

I call mustard!

Aw...

You can do horseradish.

There's not... okay.

Thanks, Bobby.

Hey, who wants a burger?

On the Torpedo!

Hooray!

Gene, you're defending your title. Are you nervous?

Why don't you ask my diarrhea.

You should be nervous.

You're a chubby kid in a mascot suit.

That's what I'm saying.

I should cheat.

Dad says it's okay when it's for entertainment.

That's right! Let's cheat!

You see that pelican?

Gene: Yeah.

You're running, right?

You have a switchblade taped to your shoe.

He does?

He will.

And on your other shoe, you'll have a lemon.

Stab! Stab! Stab!

Sting, sting, sting!

"What are you doing?"

"I'm squeezing lemon into your wound!"

Sweet baby blade foot.

Or... I can give him a nudge and tip him over.

Ugh, really?

Yeah. He's top-heavy.

I'll just give him a little tippity-tap.

Well, I'm still gluing a knife to my foot.

(starter pistol fires)

Yay, Gene! Go, Gene!

That-a-way, son!

Tippity-tap.

(grunts)

Burt: Ooh!

It's a three-mascot pileup!

Go, Gene!

All right! Go!

Phil: The Boy Burger wins again!

How about that?

Burt: Hey, how about this, Phil?

(makes whooping siren sound)

I don't know, Burt.

I'm not so sure about that.

Yay!

I won! I won again!

My brother won!

Guys, take off your shirts.

(grunting)

Good arm pumping, baby!

That's how I disguised the push.

What push?

He pushed the Cotton Candy mascot so he'd fall over.

Hooray for cheating!

Gene, how could you?

You know that's wrong.

Uh-uh.

Not when it's entertainment.

You said it yourself.

You told them cheating is okay?

No, I didn't, Linda.

Yes, he did.

Oh, Bobby.

Oh, crap.

Go get me a soft serve.

And make it a swirl!

Look, Gene, when I said it's okay to cheat, I meant for Torpedo, not for you to cheat in your mascot race.

You should really give back one of those medals.

Ooh, but I want to get a picture of you wearing them before you do.

I'm not giving back my medals!

Those suckers got their money's worth, Pops.

I'm good for business, Dad.

You know what? From now on, there'll be no more cheating.

Does that mean I shouldn't give Torpedo this grease?

That's right, Tina.

Yes.

No more cheating for anyone in this house.

From now on, I won't wear my tummy tuck jeans.

And good-bye, Brazilian.

Hello, rain forest.

Sorry, Dad.

But if I win tomorrow, I'll be the first mascot ever to win three races in a row.

I'm a top!

You mean you're on top.

No. I'm a top!

(groans)

Shew. I was starting to think maybe you were going to leave me high and dry here.

Well, what's in this jar is worth the wait.

What the...?

"You don't need to cheat.

"You can win without me.

"If you try your hardest, you've already won.

Love, Bob's grease."

That's right, Torpedo.

You can win without my grease.

It just took me believing in you.

Now, listen.

Gene's about to race, and since you're his role model, I'm hoping you'll tell Gene he can win without cheating, just like you.

Who the hell's Gene?

That's... my son.

You're his role model, and you're my role model, too.

Wh...? I can't be your role model; we're the same age.

What's this mean?

You cutting me off, Bob-o?

Torpedo, I'm cutting you free.

Come here.

Wait, what are you going to do?

I'm going to hug you.

Slow down there, tiger.

Guess I'll have to make this grease last the whole season.

I should have never given you my grease.

I created a monster.

You think you started my greasing?

I've always cheated, Bobby.

Not the... "The Pitch."

Oh, definitely "The Pitch."

Torpedo: That game, I had a pat of butter in my nostril, s*x jelly in my armpit...

Hell, I was on prescription drugs to stimulate production of earwax.

And "The Pitch"?

That was courtesy of some black market whale blubber I bought off some Eskimos.

Cute note, though, Bob.

Bit of advice: if you want a role model, pick an old guy.

By the time you grow up, they're dead.

(sighs)

Didn't go great.

Gene!

I'm sure it was fine.

Torpedo seems like a reasonable guy.

Torpedo Jones wants you out of his seats this second.

What a schmuck.

Gene!

Phil: It's the seventh-inning stretch.

Mascots are lining up.

All right, maybe I have an idea.

Hi, fellas.

I'd love to say a few words to my son, the burger, over the P.A.

Excuse me.

Uh... okay.

Highly unusual.

Doesn't matter.

None of this matters.

Gene.

Bob (over P.A.): Up here.

Jesus?

No, Gene, it's your father. I'm up here.

You're dead?!

Yes.

(gasps)

No, I'm-I'm kidding.

I'm up here in the booth.

Right here. See me?

(sniffs)

Boy, this microphone smells like beer.

Well, let's just say AA was "A" waste of time.

Winning isn't everything, Gene.

Yes, we're all here to be entertained, but if you, um, cut corners now, the next thing you know, you'll be hiding lard in your nose or taking wood out of roller coasters.

Hey, all right, that's enough of that.

Let's start the race!

I'm trying to talk to my son.

Gene, run clean.

Burt: On your mark!

Gene, what are you going to do?

I don't know.

You're going to cheat!

That's what you're going to do!

You're going to win by cheating!

(panting)

Who wants to see the burger win three in a row?

(cheering)

Gene, listen to me.

You know what to do.

Bob... triple crown for burger.

Good for your business.

See?!

No, Gene!

Don't worry about the advertising.

What are you doing?

It's a starter's pistol.

It's a real gun.

You should get down.

Bob: What?!

Stop shooting!

This is crazy.

Oh, good. He stopped.

He's just out of bullets.

And down goes Cotton Candy!

It's a two-mascot race.

Gene. Do the right thing.

Yeah. You can win on your own, Gene!

Probably.

(slow-motion): Hey...

All right. Fine.

(yells)

Louise: Whoa, whoa!

Don't push him! He was going to push you!

Burt: Congratulations to Captain Pel I. Can!

Oh, Gene. Sorry, buddy.

I mean, looks like karma caught up to you.

Bob, I told you there's no such thing as karma.

Uh, yes there is.

No, I'm afraid there isn't!

I'm afraid there is.

Is not.

Oh, crap.

See, Gene. This is what happens when you cheat.

That was incredible!

Cheating is amazing!

(groans): Oh.

Bob?

Oh. Uh, hi.

Sorry about your roller coaster.

Ah, roller coasters come and go.

But Bobs are once in a lifetime.

I admire you.

You do?

You remind me of my father.

He was honest, and he worked hard.

You an immigrant, Bob?

Um... no.

Just swarthy?

I guess.

What's "swarthy"?

Um, dark and hairy.

That's you!

And me in the future.

Well, unlike you, my father made a fortune.

But in many other ways, you guys are the same.

Two decent, swarthy peas in a pod.

One rich and one... just scraping by.

Thanks.

Well, we're off to get a massage.

Come on, Wonderdog.

Down, boy.

He's gone, Dad.

My future husband's gone.

You drove him away!

Tina, what you got there?

The team signed a ball so I'd have something to remember them by.

And I took this jockstrap.

(chuckles): Okay, sweetie.

Let's throw that in the wash.

No.

Come on, give it to me.

Mm-mm.

Do you know how many venereal diseases those baseball players have?

I don't care.

Whose was it?

Smells like Angel.

Angel.

Tina: But don't tell Phe-Nom.