Burning Down the Bayit

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ Is violence in movies and s*x on TV ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ All the things that make us ♪ ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 10x15 ♪ Burning Down the Bayit Original Air Date on March 4, 2012

Oh, my God, Brian, I went to a baby rave last night.

Dropped a Flintstones chewable.

It was a purple Betty.

I was flyin'!

I was up till like... like...

I don't even know how late.

Like, when I came home, The Mentalist was still on.

Like, that's how late.

Morning, family. Anyone needs me, I'll be out in the yard using my new riding mower.

A riding mower? For God's sakes, stop making all these frivolous purchases.

You just blew all that money hiring that English- to-raccoon translator.

(whispering inaudibly)

(chittering)

(angry chittering)

Don't need a translator for that one.

Tell him to come back when he's ready to act like an adult.

Hey, what's up, Quagmire?

Oh, there's the sound of the birds.

I thought they all disappeared, because all I could hear was a lawnmower.

Oh, and what's that?

The wind in the trees!

Good-- that still exists.

What are you doing there, planting some flowers?

Hey, look, why don't you go bother Joe, huh?

I can't. He's in Vegas for the weekend, seeing that handicapped Cher impersonator.

Yeah! We all want to turn back time!

This is the biggest sitting ovation I've ever seen!

Damn it, where the hell did I put that?

What are you looking for, Brian?

That steak bone you gave me last night.

I can't remember what the hell I did with it.

Didn't you bring it outside?

(clattering)

(screams)

Holy crap! Quagmire, you all right?

No, I'm not all right!

My head's gushing blood, you idiot!

Take your hand away.

Oh, boy! All right, hold still, Quagmire.

(screams)

Oh, my God, a piece of your brain came out!

Aah! Well, that can't be good!

Well, maybe it's not so bad.

I can feed it to my pet zombie.

Here you go.

Yeah, you're hungry, aren't ya?

He was a rescue.

When I found him, he was just walking face-first into a chain-link fence downtown.

All right, almost done here, Glenn.

There we are, all finished.

Well, look at this.

Look what happened. (chuckles)

Well, by the laws of comedy, you and I have to be roommates now.

That's hilarious, Doc. All right, here we go.

Now, I'm going to prescribe a course of antibiotics and some painkillers and...

Hey, Elmer.

Hey.

She sucks.

Okay, Quagmire, before we get your prescription, let's grab some bandages.

God, this is such an East Coast pharmacy.

How are we gonna find gauze and bandages in the middle of all this crap?

Uh, I think he keeps them next to the thousand-piece puzzle of a lobster trap.

I don't see it. You mean, next to the Kadima paddles, or next to the basic black sweatshirt with no writing on it?

No, I think they're over there between the rain ponchos and the cap guns and just below the balsa wood gliders and the net-bag of flip-flops and a beach pail.

Above the set of jacks?

Yes, above the jacks and the bicentennial playing cards and across from the giant cage with the beach balls, next to the Wiffle ball bats and the spark-spitting cars.

I don't... Oh, next to the wax bottles of weird juice.

Yes, behind the plastic bag of Mexican soldiers from the Alamo and the Super Elastic Bubble Plastic.

Oh, yeah, I got 'em.

Hey, Mort. How's it going?

Oh, it's awful, Peter!

Why? What's the matter?

The pharmacy's going under.

I can barely pay my bills.

I can't even afford the real pharmacy music.

That's just me up there. Listen.

Mort (a cappella): ♪ If this is it, ooh, wah, please let me know ♪ ♪ If this ain't love, you better just say so ♪ ♪ If this is it... ♪

They say I've got Jewish honey in my voice.

Jewish honey is mucus.

But I thought you made a lot of money here.

I used to, but it's all gone downhill since Muriel died.

She could get away with overcharging people, because they were always mentally undressing her and then re-dressing her once they saw the horrible mess underneath.

But in that interval, she robbed them blind.

(sobbing)

Ooh.

Well, look, uh, I don't know, maybe there's something we can do to help you drum up some business.

You know, get the word out.

Like what?

Hey, you just leave that to us.

(lively pop music playing)

(register ringing in rhythm with music)

♪ ♪

(rhythmic ringing and music crescendo)

(music stops)

(register ringing rhythmically)

Is opening and closing the cash register a bunch of times helping business yet?

No.

Okay, then we'll do other stuff.

Okay, Mort, now, if you want to get more customers in your pharmacy, you're gonna have to do a promotion, like... like "buy one, get one free."

What?

Buy one, get one free.

Huh?

Buy one...

Yeah, I get that.

Get one free.

Is that, like, a Spanish word?

No, it's English.

The whole thing's English.

Oh, 'cause it seems like you're saying the first part in English and then some kind of made-up pha-lumpf-phalumpf or something in the second part.

I don't understand you.

All right, let me try explaining it another way.

Let's say we're at someone else's store, and there's a sign, and it says: "Buy one, get one free."

Get one free? Wow!

What store are you talking about?

Excuse me, I have been waiting for my prescription for 25 minutes!

Oh, I'm really sorry, Ms. Dumott.

We'll have that filled for you right away.

Guys, what the hell's going on back there?

Remember, each pill has to go into the correct bottle.

(mechanical whirring)

Eh, this ain't so hard.

(whirring rises in pitch)

(whirring increases in pitch as conveyor belt speeds up)

(whirring intensifying)

(vomits)

(woozily): I... I got a wicked boner.

(thudding)

This was a great idea, Peter.

We fly this thing over Providence, it's bound to get people into the pharmacy.

That's right, bring in the city folk with their big money and their long cigarettes and their dogs with shoes.

Hey, check it out-- we got a giggity over there on the 32nd floor.

I'm gonna go in for a closer look.

Quagmire: Heh-heh, all right!

(gasps) Quagmire, look out!

Oh, no!

Geez, that was a close one!

Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt.

(tires squealing)

(clattering)

(burbling)

Goldman's Pharmacy!

Now, that could be a good place to get new shoes for my dog.

Good evening, Quahog.

Grim details continue to roll in at this hour in the story of the detached airplane advertising banner which caused a school bus to plummet into the Pawtuxet River.

That's right, Joyce.

Quahog's own Goldman's Pharmacy made headlines across the country after a banner of theirs caused the bus to drive off a bridge, tragically killing all the teenagers on board.

Many of the students tweeted about the accident as it was happening.

We have a few here.

From @Jenny94: "Water seriously cold, yo."

Here's @TheTed69: "I'm gonna survive this. LOL jk."

"Jk," indeed.

Oh, God, I'm ruined!

Nobody's ever gonna shop in my pharmacy again!

I'm gonna lose everything!

Aw, gosh, Mort, I feel terrible about this.

I wish there was some way we could fix it.

You know, my cousin had the same problem, but he lucked out, 'cause his business burned to the ground.

The insurance made him a very rich man.

(chuckles) Too bad we can't just torch the pharmacy.

Aw, come on, no, we can't do that.

That'd be like stealing from the insurance companies.

It wouldn't be right.

Aw, they're bastards.

Last year, after I lost my beloved Muriel, our life insurance company refused to pay on her policy.

They took what should have been a pleasant experience and made it into an ordeal!

Well, that doesn't totally surprise me.

A friend of mine staying in my house got, um, injured, and my homeowner's insurance wouldn't pay her doctor bills.

Said the policy didn't cover an "act of rod."

Yeah, come to think of it, they wouldn't even pay for the fetus Lois lost when we went to visit the Museum of Staircases and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves.

Yeah, you know, they don't seem to pay out on anything.

No, not at all, right?

Yeah, that's true, they don't pay.

Well, then I say, screw the bastards!

Let's burn the place down!

What?! Peter, we're talking about a major crime here.

This is not smuggling Oriental women into the country in steel cans.

This is a serious felony.

Quagmire, this whole mess was our fault.

We got to make it right.

And, look, as long as nobody sees us, and we don't tell anybody, then we're in the clear.

Well, I guess I did kind of destroy your business, Mort.

All right, then let's do it-- tomorrow night!

Good. I'm just gonna have to reschedule my weekly re-circumcision.

So, what are we doing today, a little off the top?

Yeah, but leave a little up front so I have something to play with.

Sounds good.

(unzips zipper) And take a look at the back.

You see that there?

Yeah.

Yeah, let's trim that. I don't know when that started, but let's get rid of that.

Okay, guys, listen up.

This is a very flammable mixture that's also undetectable.

If we put it on the electric box and two of the outlets, then light them all at once, it'll look like a short circuit.

Geez, Mort, how the hell do you know how to do all this?

Oh, it's all covered in the Torah.

Right after the chapter on writing complaint letters that will result in compensatory merchandise.

Dear stuffed shirts at Ritz Crackers.

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.

Just as a box of crackers is only as appealing as its least intact sleeve.

I am paying for fully formed crackers, not butter crumbles.

I don't buy your product with broken quarters; don't stick me with broken pieces of cracker, you miserable dicks!

Regards, Mort Goldman again.

All right, let's get to work.

♪ ♪

(explosion)

Oh, my God, we did it!

Hey, Peter, what are you gonna tell Lois when she asks where you were tonight?

Don't worry, I got it all covered.

(harsh braying)

(screeching bray)

Ha-ha! This is awesome!

And Peter has no idea!

Well, Mr. Goldman, we've ruled out foul play.

It looks like it was just a case of faulty wiring.

Well, you're still gonna have to buy something.

This is rubble, not a library.

Okay, well... I'm sorry for your loss, but the good news is your insurance will be covering all of your damages.

You hear what he said, fellas? Looks like we pulled it off.

Yeah, for now.

I still got a bad feeling.

He's gonna find something, I just know it.

Will you relax? We got an ironclad alibi.

We were all seeing The Beatles live at The Ed Sullivan Show.

(song ends, audience screaming)

(screams)

Peter: Sorry. I rode a bike here.

All right, guys, all we got to do now is keep a low profile and not mention a word of this to anybody.

Not even the police.

That's right, not a word to anyone.

Nobody. Lips are sealed.

I want to tell somebody.

Peter!

You shut your mouth!

Hey, Mort, I, uh, was really sorry to hear about the pharmacy.

Oh, thank you, Joe.

I was very, very sorry, too.

Yeah, he seemed pretty smart.

His shirt was tucked in, so I bet he went to Harvard.

Well, you're my friend, Mort.

I want you to know that I'm going to personally go over all the evidence.

I'd hate to think there's someone in town who's out to get you.

Hey, Joe, they said it was an accident.

Roll away.

No, I'm just saying, as your friend, I wouldn't feel right unless I left no stone unturned.

Geez, Joe, let it go.

Yeah, Joe, even Robocop took a day off once in a while.

(phone ringing)

Nope.

(turns ringer off)

I don't like Joe sticking his nose into this.

Maybe this was all a big mistake.

You're damn right it was.

Why did I ever agree to do this?

This isn't who I am.

I looked in the mirror this morning, and it was like I was looking at a man I'd never seen before.

Hi.

Scott Bakula.

Just take it easy, Quagmire.

There's nothing to worry about.

(knocking)

Joe: Hey, it's Joe, open up.

(all gasp)

Uh, hey, Joe.

What's going on?

Oh, hey, I forgot, I brought you guys souvenirs from my trip to Vegas.

They're T-shirts that say "I lost my shirt in Lost Wages."

(laughing)

I think maybe you should keep them.

All right, I'll see you guys later.

I got to go see the forensics team about the pharmacy.

Don't you worry, Mort.

We'll get to the bottom of this.

I don't like this, you guys.

This is bad.

Joe's gonna find out, I just know it.

Geez, Quagmire, you need to relax.

And I know how to help.

Calgon, take him away.

(harp arpeggio)

Quagmire: This is worse, Peter!

Relax, this is supposed to be your time.

This is the right way to deal with your problems.

All right, guys, if Joe really is nosing around, I think I know how to get him off the case once and for all.

(dialing)

Joe: Hello?

Officer Swanson, this is the chief of police.

I'm afraid you're fired.

I see. Well, that's too bad.

I was looking forward to giving you your birthday present next week.

Oh.

Apparently, there was a mistake.

Forget I called.

Guys, I got to become chief of police by next week.

Chief, this just came in for you from Officer Swanson.

A Starbucks gift card?!

This has been an unproductive use of my time.

Okay, I got it.

Joe can't investigate if he's distracted, right?

Well, what's more distracting than texts about dinner plans?

Hmm. These burn ignition patterns aren't consistent with an electrical fire.

(phone chirps)

"Would... love to."

(phone chirps)

"Probably... about 7:00... or 7:30."

(phone chirps, Joe sighs)

"Any... of... those places would be... fine."

(phone chirps)

God! No way!

"I don't know Probably just a collared shirt and jeans.

"Have you never been to... a restaurant before?"

Oh, he's getting annoyed. Look at that.

He sure is. Okay, now tell him you want a vegan place.

(phone ringing)

Oh, my God, he's so pissed, he's calling.

Well, answer it.

No, no, no.

I'm gonna send it to voicemail, then call him back, but pocket-dial him while I walk a few blocks.

Joe (muffled, from Peter's phone): Peter?

Peter? Hello?

I'm getting very little work done!

You guys, I just can't take this anymore.

I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I think we all just need to confess.

What? Now just hold on, Quagmire.

If you start yapping to the cops, we're gonna rot in prison for the next 30 years.

Joe: Evening, gentlemen.

(all gasp) Joe!

Glad I found you here.

I had a question for you guys.

Did any of you happen to be at Mort's pharmacy on the night of the fire?

No.

None of us were.

I'm triplets. Could have been one of my triplets.

I see. Well, then it's kind of peculiar that I would find this.

A pocket-dial voicemail from Peter on the night of the fire.

Peter: Oh, my God, look at that fire we started, Quagmire and Mort.

You know who I don't miss is Joe.

That's a piece of evidence that hurts all of us.

You three are under arrest for burning down Goldman's Pharmacy.

Well, the pocket-dial giveth, and the pocket-dial taketh away.

You'll never take me alive!

Aren't you gonna run?

I would, but I don't want my gym teacher to laugh at me.

He's been following me around since junior high.

Watch this. Watch this Jewish kid run.

First, I have to read you the Miranda rights for Jewish people.

You have the right to remain silent, even though you won't.

You have the right to infer an insult where none was intended.

What's that supposed to mean?

You have the right to a lawyer, who you are probably related to.

This interview is over.

What were you dointhe night of March 8th?

(Bleep) your mother.

Come on, man, that's not cool.

Oh, yeah? Maybe this is cool enough for you.

(farting)

(blows)

It's gonna take a lot more than a fart in my face to make me...

Whoa! Whoa.

Yeah, and there's more where that came from.

(straining)

(sighs) No, there isn't.

Where were you the night of the fire?

I was at the movies.

What did you see?

No Strings Attached.

How was it?

Sucked.

Okay, that checks out.

Boy, that Ashton Kutcher sure was a cad in that movie, wasn't he?

Yeah, totally.

Wrong! He had a heart of gold.

You're going down.

Your husband's in here, ma'am.

Lois!

Peter, what's going on?

Is it true? Did you really burn down Mort's pharmacy?

Hi, Lois. Hi.

Look, Lois, we were just trying to help Mort.

Peter, how could you do this? You have a family.

Did you ever stop to think about us before you did something that could send you away to prison?

(sighs) For once, could you visit me in jail and not criticize me?

Wait a minute.

This isn't Carvel, you lying bitch.

All right, that's enough.

Visiting time is over.

You know you guys are gonna do time for this.

Come on, Joe. You're really gonna put us away?

You think I want to do this?

You know how hard it's gonna be for me to make new friends?

Hey, do you think Chris is old enough to be my friend?

Old enough? Yes. But I wouldn't bark down that alley.

You frighten him.

He thinks you're a Transformer that broke halfway through.

I get that a lot. I understand.

Look, Mort was in trouble.

We-we were just trying to help him out.

Well, insurance fraud is not the way to help somebody out.

Listen, Joe, insurance agencies are all scumbags.

They deserve to get hurt.

You don't decide that.

What you did is against the law.

It's easy for you, Joe.

You don't know what it's like to be screwed over by an insurance company.

Oh, I don't, do I?

Well, let me tell you a little story.

It was hours after my accident.

I was barely conscious on the operating table, but I'll never forget the phone call that changed my life.

Hello, I'm calling on behalf of your policyholder, Joe Swanson.

He's badly injured his spine.

Well, there's a new procedure that, if administered immediately, should restore his ability to walk.

$200,000.

We also have a wheelchair.

$60.

Okay.

They're going with "B."

Those sons of bitches made it about money.

Yeah, Joe. So, what do you say?

They didn't care about you.

Why should you care about them?

The thing is, you guys committed a crime, and I've still got the evidence to prove it.

Too bad I lost it.

Female automated voice: Message deleted.

Was that... was that supposed to mean something?

Yeah, I'm letting you guys go.

Oh. Oh, well, that's great.

Yeah, I didn't get that, either.

Yeah, why didn't you just say that?

I'm starting to regret erasing that message.

Too late, butt-face.

Have a great summer, Joe.

Peter, I don't understand how they just let you out of jail.

Yeah, Joe had all kinds of evidence against you guys.

Seems like a huge miscarriage of justice.

I thought if you do something wrong, you're supposed to get punished.

(laughing): Oh, Chris, not if you're white.

Well, now that I've wrapped things up with you guys, I better wrap things up with my basement family.

Well, did you guys learn your lesson about eating uncooked antelope?

(hisses)