My Big Fat Greek Bob

All right!

My Bobby's going off to college.

I'm not going off to college, Lin.

You don't have the grades!

I'm-I'm just going to the college to fill in for Pepe, cooking at the fraternity house for a week.

Aw, you're gonna have so much fun.

Yeah, I don't really see what's fun about being ordered around by a bunch of frat boys.

I can explain it.

That's okay, Tina.

All I know is we need the cash.

So I'm doing it.

Well, you're gonna miss me hosting one of Gretchen's LadyGood parties.

What are "lady goods"?

I don't know.

Makeup?

Tampons and pony saddles?

Breast organizers?

Okay, well, guess I'd better go feed Chad and Trip and Chip and Skip and all the other rich kids.

You say that like we're not rich.

(bells jingle)

Wait, Dad.

Are we not rich?

(knocking)

Hi.

I'm the cook.

I'm filling in for Pepe?

Uh, looks like you guys got TP'd.

Yeah, the Alpha House likes to prank us.

Joke's on them, though.

Free toilet paper for us!

Oh, yeah.

Tough to roll it back up, though.

I'm the Beta president.

They call me Pud.

Oh, okay, Pud. I'm Bob.

That's Hefty Jeff... he's the fraternity historian.

Oh, uh, that's a thing?

Ask me anything about the history of this frat.

Uh, okay.

When was it founded?

Crap. Ask me something else.

I'm Turd.

Put her there.

Hey, Turd.

So Turd, Pud, um, Hefty Jeff.

This is, uh... a nice place you got here.

Thank you.

I mean, the sofa is upside down, but...

That's for hiding.

And forts!

Yeah.

Okay. So, I'm guessing this isn't the top fraternity on campus.

Oh, no.

Our motto is "If you rushed us, you'd be pledged by now."

Hey, worked on me.

We haze with hugs.

Some good huggers in this group.

Girls never come here.

Gretchen: How we doing, ladies?

Let's give it up for Linda for hosting tonight's LadyGoods party!

(cheering) (chuckles) Stop it.

Now that everyone's hammered, let's look at the product line.

Do you think it's appropriate to have the children here?

Why wouldn't it be appropriate?

Our money's as green as yours, toots!

Our first LadyGood is called the Joie de Vibe, which we all know is French for "fun."

(imitates vibrating)

(chuckles nervously)

Ha, ho! I don't know what that thing is, but the look on Mom's face is hilarious!

I'll buy it!

Okay, kids. Come on.

Go to your room now.

Yeah, go to your room, guys.

You, too, missy.

What? Come on. Out now. Oh, man!

Grown-up stuff is going on! Ah...

Okay. I love it!

Gene: I want a magic vibrating club just like any other boy!

Linda: Yeah. All right.

Louise: Yeah!

(sizzling)

Bob, this burger is superb.

What'd you put in there? Spices?

Uh, a few.

You deserve a beer.

Follow me to the Fellowship Room.

♪ Fellowship Room! ♪

Both: Fellowship Room!

So... fellowship basically means drinking.

And drinking games.

Like Beer Beer Goose.

What's the "Slowhand Crooner Corner"?

Hefty Jeff: Oof, Slowhand.

Yeah, seriously.

Someone's got to tell him he graduated a million years ago.

Now, now, Hefty Jeff, Turd.

Slowhand is a very generous Beta alum.

He buys us stuff like that karaoke machine.

Uh, and what's that?

Beta! Beta! Beta!

That's Beta.

Yeah, I got that.

Beta was the house iguana from '67 to '86.

Only a true brother may drink from him.

You drink from him?

I ate lndian food out of him once.

You're not supposed to.

(window slides open)

We're out upstairs.

Oh, hey, Bob.

Did you drive here?

Uh, yeah. Why?

Maybe it's time to "go to the library."

Tonight?

We're supposed to wait.

Bob can drive. And we're the perfect level of drunk.

To go to the library? Yeah.

Could you give us a ride to campus?

I can't drive at night 'cause I don't have a car.

Okay.

Moving on, this one is called Here Comes the Sun.

It's solar-powered so you leave it on your porch all day.

Any takers? No?

Okay.

Linda. Linda.

What, what, what?

(quietly): I'm dying here.

This crowd is all married, boring people who suck.

You got to help me.

What? No. I can't sell anything. I can't s...

You'll be fine, you'll be fine.

Linda swears by this thing, don't you, Linda?

You know, because of your problems with your husband?

Yeah! Uh, Bob's got a condition that makes him, uh, s*x bad.

My husband's got that.

It's called being married for 20 years.

(laughter)

Being married for 20 years!

She says being married!

(chuckles)

Ah...

I'll take the one with the hand crank, for camping.

(laughter)

Okay! Who wants more wine?

So, where's the library?

It's just up ahead.

(moans)

I'm really nervous.

The library must be different than how I'm imagining it.

Pud: Stop here.

Okay, uh, this isn't the library. At all.

Hey, would you mind waiting here?

And keep the engine running.

What are they doing with that fish and that air conditioner?

Oh. They're putting the fish in the air conditioner.

That's a good prank. Kind of.

No, it's not.

(others chattering quietly)

Hefty Jeff: Yeah, we did it!

(laughing, chattering)

(siren chirping)

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Everybody, be cool! Oh, God. Oh, God.

(hyperventilating): Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Evening, sir.

Evening, uh, Officer.

I'm, uh, teaching a class on, um... creative... driving.

Creative driving?

Yeah, it's a special, um...

(whispers): Elective. elective.

Pass-fail.

It's pass-fail, but that's... (chuckles) unnecessary information.

(quietly): You're an adjunct professor. I got it.

All right. Have a good class, Professor.

Really?

Go, go, go, go!

Bob, you're a hero.

You made the prank.

You're a sick old man.

Is that a good thing?

Yes!

Gentlemen, I think Bob deserves a beer.

Uh, you just gave me one, so I'm good.

I didn't finish.

Bob deserves a beer... out of Beta.

(chanting): Beta, Beta, Beta!

Wow, really?

Are-are you sure?

I mean, that's disgusting, t...

(chanting): Beta, Beta!

Wow. Which end do I drink from?

Dealer's choice.

Uh, I guess I'll-I'll do mouth.

You don't know what you're missing from the butt, Bob.

All right, I'll do butt.

(cheering)

Oh, my God. I just drank from a lizard's butt!

Reload!

No, no, no. I'm good, guys.

I'm good.

Well, maybe one more.

♪ Every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back ♪ ♪ I hope you feel it ♪ ♪ Do you feel it?! ♪

(whoops)

Betas!

(cheering)

Bob: Yeah, give me the lizard again!

Turd: I'll go get it!

A: You're off to the frat house already?

Yeah, the guys are playing Beer Beer Goose, so I'm gonna make lunch. You know, now I kind of regret not going to college.

You regret not going to college? Come on.

It's not like you ended up flipping burgers.

Oh, wait...

Why don't you take the kids with you?

A house full of boys?

I can't go. I have plans.

Just kidding.

Let's go.

Hey! There he is!

Everybody, Bob's here!

(cheering)

(chuckles) Uh, hey, guys.

I brought my kids.

This is great. I can't not step on cold pizza.

Upside-down couch for hiding?

And forts.

This is the biggest man-cave ever.

And Tina's going spelunking.

No, Tina. No.

Pud: Hey, Bob.

(quietly): Word of warning: Slowhand's here.

Slowhand?

Oh, oh, the alum?

Yeah, he's in the bathroom.

(toilet flushes)

Shh, guys, I think he's coming.

Comin' back from the bathroom entrance music!

(imitates hip-hop beat)

Dr. Yap? I thought I'd never see you again until my next dental appointment.

You're Slowhand?

Bob, what are you doing here?

I'm filling in for the cook.

Oh, great, great.

Hi, kids.

How are you doing?

Are you flossing, Beana?

(chuckles)

Yap, yap, yap, yap.

(chuckles)

Hey, you signed up for the Slowhand Memories Tour?

Actually, I should get into the kitchen.

Leaving now!

Keep up! and that's where I had my first French hug.

That's where you feel a girl's armpits.

We done, Yap? We've hit every room in the house.

Not every room.

Behind this very door are Betas' greatest treasures, our darkest mysteries and our washer-dryer.

Pause for laughter.

Only brothers may enter the Room of Secrets, (echoes): Secrets, Secrets, Secrets.

Shh.

You kids want to see inside, huh?

Sure.

No! What did I tell you?

Brothers only.

Okay, Yap, we get it.

Moving on.

Last stop. That was the last stop.

You said that was the last stop.

Dr. Yap: Yap, yap, yap, yap.

One more. There's one more thing.

Yeah, the best way to keep your secrets hidden is to put 'em in a room labeled "Room Of Secrets."

Damn it!

And finally, the Beta House Wall of Honor.

Hey, wait a second. What's this?

Whoa, Hefty Jeff, you framed that already?

I'm the house historian.

His dad owns a frame shop.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

Slowhand, calm down.

No, you calm down, Pud!

You let a non-brother drink out of Beta?!

And he crooned in my Crooner Corner? "B" to the "S"!

It's okay. Bob helped us prank the crap out of the Alphas.

You'll prank with these guys but you won't prank with us?

We put the dead fish in their AC.

What?! That was my prank!

Why wasn't I in on my prank?

You should have called me!

I put my number in all of your cell phones.

Bob had a car, the fish was starting to smell...

I bought that fish!

That's why when I have a fish I write my name on it in permanent marker.

Sorry, Yap.

I didn't know it was your fish.

You're right, Slowhand, we screwed up.

If you want to take time off from hanging out here, we would understand.

No, that won't be necessary.

The important thing is you guys finally sacked up and pranked those Alphas.

Yeah, Operation Bob-Fish was a huge success.

Yap-Fish! It was a Yap-Fish!

(whispering): History will say it was a Bob-Fish.

I'm so proud of my dad.

Gretchen: That stuff about Bob's problems in the bedroom was great. You are a natural saleswoman.

Thanks! Selling's easy.

You just tell lies about your husband and you're all set.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Throw it all out. What?

Different crowd. See that woman crying over there?

Linda: Yeah.

Gretchen: The one with too much eye shadow.

Oh, it's awful. No, I know.

Anyway, she just got dumped.

You tell me why.

Aw. Her friends threw her this party.

Right. Think you got an angle for her?

Maybe. Yes.

I don't know.

Good. Save it.

Okay.

Let's go sell some s*x toys!

(whoops) Ow. Ow.

What? And Linda? Here.

Your own Pleasureologist coat.

(gasps)

Aw! Welcome to the Pleasureologist family.

(sobs)

Hey. Listen, sweetie.

I just broke up, too.

Huh?

Yeah. I broke up with my husb... my boyfriend.

Oh, yeah?

Bob. Jerk.

But guess what.

I found somebody better.

The Sneaky Pete! Oh, hi, it's nice to meet you.

(laughs)

What's your name?

I'm Susan.

Susan, hi.

Hi, Pete.

I like you, Susan.

I got a crush on you.

I never felt this way before.

I want to go home with you with your bedside drawer and live there forever.

(giggles)

Oh, now she's smilin'.

(whoops)

We got another one!

Tell her about the holster.

Tina: Dad, what do you think the frat boys keep in their Room of Secrets?

I don't know, Tina, but whatever it is, it attracts ants.

Well, don't you worry.

Today we're getting in or Gene dies trying.

You got it!

Guys, you heard Dr. Yap.

That room is off-limits to non-brothers.

You're not a brother.

I'm basically a brother.

I'm more of a brother than you are, Gene.

You've never even touched the iguana!

I drank from its ass!

Are you okay, Dad?

(sighs) I just... I like those guys. And-and they like me.

And it's not just because we're always drunk.

Oh, my God.

Tina: Dr. Yap! What happened here?

The Alphas hit us, man!

They got us, man!

Pretty hard, bro!

This could be payback for Operation Bob-Fish.

Yap-Fish.

And the worst thing is they took... they took...

A long, hard look at your lifestyle?

No!

They took Beta!

(screams)

Beta!

No!

I want everyone to see what the Alphas did to me.

What happened, Slowhand?

I just came by the house with a new karaoke CD...

Steady Rocking Booty Jams.

Volume Two.

Suddenly, the Alpha president barged in with his foot soldiers.

First they held me down and shaved me, then they flung me over here, and shoved me over there, and beat up my face!

And then they took Beta!

(gasps)

Oh, and they left this.

Hefty Jeff: No, no, no, no, no!

Friggin' Alphas!

They have no respect for anything!

I'm gonna go pee out the window.

You pee out the window?

That settles it: I'm going to college!

Poor Beta.

You drank out of his butt.

What are the standards here?

In my day, if the Alphas hit us, we hit 'em back twice as hard!

Brothers, this is war.

And if that means I need to move back into the house for the foreseeable future, so be it.

And it does mean that.

Oh... okay.

Get my room ready, Turd!

I'm in.

Not... I mean, not to move in.

But to help.

We won't... probably won't need you at all, Bob.

I'll do...

I'll do whatever.

I'm in it for the long haul, brothers!

Yeah, we need Bob now more than ever!

Yeah!

Bob's one of us!

All right, it's...

All right, it's fine.

Thanks, Bob. You're in.

Let's get 'em!

Yeah! Let's get 'em! Yeah!

Louise: Yeah, go get 'em!

Take your time, don't come back for a while!

Betas!

Room of Secrets, time to spill your guts!

♪ ♪ Pranking, pranking, pranking ♪ ♪ Pranking, pranking, pranking ♪ ♪ Pranking, pranking, pranking ♪ ♪ Oh, no ♪ ♪ Pranking, pranking, pranking ♪ ♪ Pranking, pranking, pranking ♪ ♪ Pranking, pranking, pranking ♪ ♪ Splat ♪ ♪ Pranking, pranking, pranking ♪ ♪ Pranking, pranking, pranking ♪ ♪ No, Beta ♪ ♪ Pranking, pranking, pranking ♪ ♪ Prank, prank, prank, prank, prank, prank ♪ ♪ In the hole ♪ ♪ Prank, prank ♪

(laughing)

♪ Prank, prank, prank, prank ♪ ♪ Gotcha. ♪

Pud: "Due to reports of property damage, "Beta Upsilon Pi fraternityis.

Signed, Dean Dixon."

Stupid Dean Dixon!

I hate that guy!

Is it a guy?

He's the dean.

He's nice.

Well, probation or not, this isn't over until we show the Alphas they can't get away with disrespecting our lizard.

What about Dean Dixon's letter?

Shouldn't we lay low?

Turd's got a point.

Thank you.

I'm one semester away from graduating.

Oh, Pud, there are no jobs out there.

You know that, right?

Listen to Bob.

Even though he's technically not even a brother.

Well, if Bob's on board...

You know I'm on board, T-bird.

Yeah, B-bow.

The B-T express!

(chuckles)

Choo choo!

We're coming to awesome town!

Okay, yeah...

Just two passengers today, Turd and Bob! Brother...

(imitates train whistle)

Brothers, and not-really brothers, I give you...

Operation Spit Take.

Wow.

Wow.

If I can't get the secrets out, I'm gonna put my secrets in.

(quietly): I have a cat under my bed.

I've had it for eight months.

(quietly): I know about Gene's secret cat.

(groans) I can't believe we'll never know what secrets are in the Room of Secrets!

Or what laundry is in the Room of Secrets.

Wait a minute. If the building's old and crappy, there might be a laundry chute.

Oh, that's weird. I was correct.

Ladies.

(whoops)

(whoops)

Whoo-whoo-hoo!

(grunts)

Let's check out some secrets.

I'm good.

Tina!

Yeah?

Those aren't yours.

Oh, how-how'd these get on?

Dr. Yap: Tonight, none other than Dean Dixon is hosting a banquet recognizing campus community service.

And their guest of honor?

Guess who.

It's the president of those iguana-thieving Alphas!

Getting a special award for their so-called "dedication to raising thousands of dollars for cancer research."

Others: Boo!

But what this douchebot doesn't know is that an award for fighting cancer isn't all he's going to get tonight!

Yeah, not if the Betas have anything to do with it.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

To the Beta-mobile!

We've got Alphas to crush!

Oh, crap, the kids.

Uh, you guys g-go ahead.

I'll meet you there. Uh, Betas!

Check out the past brothers.

Mmm, if those sideburns could talk.

Here's a magazine about jugs.

Their secret is they love pottery?

Did I mishear them?

Is this actually called the Room of Suck-rets?

No, I think we heard them correctly.

It's the Room of Secrets.

Well, these secrets suck!

Oh, here's Dr. Yap's class.

It's Beta!

And a bunch of tiny clothes.

Oh, Beta's starting his own fashion line.

No, dummy. This means the Alphas never stole the iguana!

Hey, you guys aren't supposed to be in... Beta?

We found him in the wall behind Dr. Yap's class photo.

Why would Beta be here in the house?

Unless Yap made up that whole story.

He wouldn't.

He would. He would. He would.

Who would?

Dr. Yap.

Oh, yeah, he would.

Oh, my God.

We have to stop him before he gets those kids kicked out of school.

It's all right, they can move in with us.

Dibs on Turd.

(grumbles)

Bob: I can't believe it.

Yap made up the whole thing?

He's been pranking his own frat!

It's the ones you least suspect.

Sometimes.

Not this time.

(indistinct conversations)

Oh, good, Bob.

I thought you might have wussed out.

You're just in time to see the Alphas pay for taking Beta.

I know what you did, Yap.

It's over.

Recognize this iguana?

(gasping)

Recognize this iguana tail?

Or these briefs?

Just curious.

They're mine now.

Okay, Bob, you got me.

I took Beta.

I thought a prank war would bring the brothers together and show them how much I mean to them.

So it wasn't the Alphas at all.

Those damn Alphas don't even know we exist.

Yeah, they seem pretty focused on their charity work.

I've been TPing our house for years just to get this thing going.

Okay, this fake prank war ends now.

The brothers are already on probation, Yap.

Prank the Alphas here and you'll get the house shut down.

So what?

They'll be legends!

Oh, no.

What's the prank, Yap?

Well, since you're too late to stop it, I'll tell you.

First, I dressed as a waiter and snuck into the banquet while they were setting up.

Oh, my God, how long is this story?

Yap: Then I drilled a hole in the stage, and underneath I planted the splatter-master saliva keg!

The what? Are you insane?

I don't know.

Is it insane to collect the spit of every patient who's passed through my office for the past six months and put it in a pony keg?

Absolutely. Not necessarily.

Hmm... No.

Right now, all the Betas are under the stage with the keg, waiting for that Dean Dixon to introduce his Alpha lapdog.

And when the Alpha president steps up to the podium?

Sploosh.

This is a great plan.

We're doing this!

No, we're not, Louise.

Come on, Yap.

No!

It's all so easy for you, isn't it, Bob?

You just moseyed into the Beta house and stole their hearts with your hamburgers and your perfect body.

Yap, I'm sorry, okay?

And I get it.

The fraternity's great.

It's like being in a family of guys with beer and karaoke.

Sucker punch!

(grunts)

We're definitely switching dentists!

No!

You'll never get a better family dentist who's in your provider network!

(laughing)

Dixon: Hello, I'm Dean Dixon, and you're all expelled.

Just kidding.

Except for you, you're expelled.

Just kidding.

Oh, God.

He started his intro.

I've got to do something.

You're too late, Dad.

You'll never stop it now.

I've got to try.

Uh, now I'd like to introduce a truly outstanding young man...

Me! Hello!

I am the honoree's, uh, twin brother.

Hmm?

But I'm 20 years old.

Excuse me. Uh...

That's okay, Dean.

Thanks. Have a seat.

You know what I like about my brother?

He's nice.

He-he wouldn't hurt a fly, much less...

I don't know, I'm just naming animals here... an iguana.

Louise: Boo!

Please have her removed.

I want everyone in the room to know, even people who might be under the stage right now, that the Alpha president would not hurt or kidnap an iguana.

Right?

Maybe he would!

No, he wouldn't!

Those are the kind of things our crazy oldest brother would do, though.

You know, our crazy, Asian dentist older brother?

I'd point him out, but I have a slow hand.

A slow hand.

Dad should leave the jokes to Dean Dixon.

Ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

Come on, help Dad out.

(quietly): Are you talking to us?

(quietly): Don't set off the spit keg.

Um, let's go out and ask him what he means.

Hi. How are you?

Excuse me, who are these young men?

I probably should have come to rehearsal.

(screaming)

(slow motion): No, Yap, no!

Dad, um, you've got a little...

On your... Bit right here.

I did it! Betas!

Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap!

What-what are we working with here?

What's goin' on?

Are these cougars?

Cougar, cougar...

Linda: Oof.

Cougar.

Kind of a cougar-poodle mix.

Linda: Uh-huh. Cougar-doodle.

Linda: Aw. Ah! Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Wow.

Cougar-doodle opened the sample case.

Yeah, they're very smart.

(bell jingles)

Bobby!

Why are you all wet?

Wow, hi, guys.

I brought the guys for burgers.

I've kind of been forgetting to feed them.

Sorry Dean Dixon banned you and Slowhand from campus.

But thank you.

'Cause, you know, you de-Yapified us.

With that guy banned from the frat, my GPA might go up.

Yeah, sorry Yap called you a nerd for doing homework.

And that I said I agreed with him.

♪

(purrs, laughs, barks)

What is... what is happening right now?

What is this?

Go for it, man.

I don't know what to do from here.

Beta rules!

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

How do you like that?

Why are none of these guys interested?

(whoops)

Tonight everybody gets hazed!

My sisters are my brothers!

I'm gonna go pee out a window!

Wait, why is everybody holding vibrators?

♪ He is freaky, freaky, freaky ♪ ♪ Sneaky Pete ♪ ♪ He's unique-y, nique-y, nique-y ♪ ♪ Sneaky Pete ♪ ♪ Make you shrieky, shrieky, shrieky ♪ ♪ Sneaky Pete ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, Sneaky ♪ ♪ Sneaky Pete ♪ ♪ He is freaky, freaky, freaky ♪ ♪ Sneaky Pete ♪ ♪ He's unique-y, nique-y, nique-y ♪ ♪ Sneaky Pete ♪ ♪ Make you shrieky, shrieky, shrieky ♪ ♪ Sneaky Pete. ♪

Linda: I want to go home with you with your bedside drawer and live there forever.