The Sad, Sad Tale of Chickenfoot

Mysterious Mysteries plays on Dib's TV. Footage of a fork tied to a piece of string hangs in the air plays behind the Mysterious Mysteries anchor. A question mark spins into view.

Anchor: In the end, even Mysterious Mysteries doesn't know what or who is haunting this fork. Maybe it's this guy!

The footage of the fork is replaced by a folder (with case file 0067) that spins into view with a picture of a creepy miner paper clipped to the front of it.

Anchor: The truth... is a mystery!

The word 'mystery' appears over the footage. Dib sits on his couch with a notepad, binoculars, Chinese food, and Poop Cola.

Dib: Wow, what if it is that guy!?!

Dib writes something on the notepad. The Mysteries Mysteries logo opening with the magnifying glass plays.

Anchor: Next on Mysterious Mysteries, the mysterious, the horrible, Chickenfoot!

Chickenfoot's case file folder appears. It has a picture of a man in a Mr. Chicky Licky suit paper clipped to the front and has the words 'CHICKENFOOT case file -0715' written on it. Footage of Chickenfoot starts to play. A man in a Mr. Chicky Licky costume pecks the ground in the alley behind the Chicky Licky restaurant. Chickenfoot digs around in the dumpster, rummaging through the trash.

Dib: Wait, looks like a guy in a Mr. Chicky Licky suit!

Dib picks up his binoculars and looks at the TV screen. He can clearly see the zipper to the costume.

Dib: You can see the zipper!

Chickenfoot pulls out a chicken squeeze toy from the dumpster and squeezes it several times. Maria opens the back door to the Chicky Licky restaurant and sees Chickenfoot. Chickenfoot clucks in terror and runs as Maria screams. Chickenfoot runs into the fence, getting up close to the camera that was recording him. The footage freezes on the close up on Chickenfoot. You can clearly see the man's face inside the costume.

Dib: That is a guy in a Mr. Chicky Licky suit! What kind of idiots do they think we are!?!

The door to Dib's house opens and many hover screens enter. The first one displays Prof. Membrane and the ones behind him display world leaders. The Prof. Membrane hover screen hovers in the doorway while the world leaders look around the house.

Prof. Membrane: Hello, son! I'm giving these world leaders a tour of our home!

The world leaders "ooh" and "ahh" as they look around. Dib eats his Chinese food. A Japanese world leader hovers next to Dib.

Japanese world leader: Who is the big headed boy?

Prof. Membrane: This is my son, Dib, the future of the membrane empire!

The rest of the world leaders hover around Dib.

Dib: Actually, I'm a paranormal investigator!

Dib takes a bite of his Chinese food.

Prof. Membrane: He's a bit insane at the moment, but he'll get over it.

Dib: Dad, paranormal investigation is a legitimate field of study!

An image of Bill appears on the screen over the footage of Chickenfoot. It is labeled 'Paranormal Investigator: "Bill"'

Anchor (voice over): We asked a legitimate paranormal investigator what he had to say about Chickenfoot.

Bill: Chickenfoot is not a real chicken.

The footage background disappears to show Bill standing in front of Chicky Licky holding a bucket of food.

Bill: He's a space chicken... from a planet where pig demons rule!

Bill pulls out a piece of chicken and bites a chunk out of it. The word 'MUTE' appears on screen as Dib presses the mute button of the remote control. Awkward silence fills the room.

Japanese world leader: Paranormal investigator? Your son believes these things? Are the rest of the people in your country crazy like this boy?

The Japanese world leader laughs. The other world leaders join in except for the Russian world leader.

Prof. Membrane: We'll discuss this later!

Prof. Membrane hovers away.

Dib: But I don't believe in chicken foot!

The world leaders hover away one by one, still laughing. Dib throws his Chinese food.

Dib: Mysterious Mysteries is getting desperate for ratings! This Chickenfoot story is undermining everything that serious paranormal studies stand for! That I stand for! It must be stopped!

Dib hops up onto the top of the couch with he remote. Mysterious Mysteries shows Maria waving her arms around like a chicken in the Mysterious Mysteries studio. Dib presses several buttons on the remote, then looses his balance and falls off the couch. He hits his head and grunts. The remote breaks and the TV goes into static. Cut to Chicky Licky. Dib walks through the wet street in front of Chicky Licky and stops in a puddle. Cut to the interior of Chicky Licky. A hobo stands at the service window with his tray that has a bucket of food on it. Behind the service window are Maria and Eric.

Hobo: I want my slaw!

The hobo pushes his tray towards the service window.

Eric: You have your slaw, sir!

Hobo: I want my slaw!

Dib walks in and approaches the service window and stands next to the hobo.

Eric: You have your slaw, sir!

Hobo: I want my slaw!

Eric: You have your slaw, sir!

Hobo: I want my slaw!

Maria: What kinda chicken you want, mister?

Eric: You have your slaw, sir!

Hobo: I want my slaw!

Dib: Actually, I want some information about Chickenfoot.

Eric (in background as Dib talks): You have your slaw, sir!

Hobo (in background as Dib talks): I want my slaw!

The restaurant goes silent. A baby cries, so the babies mother sticks a piece of chicken in that baby's mouth and the baby sucks on it. The hobo backs away, as do Maria and Eric. Maria approaches the service window again.

Maria: Don't say that name 'round here! He is the demon beast! We've lost three chicken cookers since he come around!

Dib: Chickenfoot ate them?

Maria: No, they got better jobs... But I hate that chicken beast! Get out!

Maria climbs onto the counter.

Maria: Get out now! Before you get a better job too!

Maria pounds the glass. Eric rushes to her side and grabs her shoulders to calm her.

Eric: Maria, don't make a scene!

Eric directs his attention to Dib. Maria cries.

Eric: Young man!

Eric pushes out a drawer full of chicken to Dib. A dirty chicken toy is among the piles of chicken.

Eric: Perhaps you should try a Mr. Chicky meal! Are you thirsty for chicken?

Dib reaches for the chicken, then pulls his hand back with a grunt.

Dib: Don't try to throw me off track!

Eric: No, no! The Chicky meal! It comes with a dirty chicken toy! The head comes off and can be used like a little grappling hook!

Dib picks up the dirty chicken toy and presses a button on it. It's head pops off and hits the floor, connected to a string. Dib presses a button on it and the string retracts.

Dib: That's... a weird thing for a chicken to do!

Eric holds another dirty chicken toy.

Eric: That dirty chicken has a secret!

Eric motions for Dib to follow. Cut to the meat locker. The door opens and Dib walks inside holding a piece of chicken. Eric feels the wall, his hand moving over the emergency axe. His hand moves further down and hits the light switch. A light bulb flickers on. Dib takes a bite of the chicken. A shark jaw hangs over the meat shelves. Dib motions toward the shark jaw. Eric motions for Dib to be quite then motions Dib to come over. Eric shuts the meat locker door.

Dib: Okay, what's the secret of Chickenfoot?

Eric: Ask the dirty chicken!

Eric holds the dirty chicken toy in front of Dib and squeezes it several times, making it squeak.

Dib: What is the secret... um, dirty... chicken?

Eric continues to squeeze the dirty chicken.

Dib: Quit it, quit it, quit that.

Eric: Chickenfoot is a mass of chicken evil!

The light flashes. Eric squeezes the dirty chicken some more.

Eric: He has come back to avenge the souls of all his chicken brothers!

The light flashes and continues to flash. Eric twirls around.

Eric: Ooooohooooh!

Eric waves the dirty chicken around, squeezing it.

Dib: Oh come on, it's a guy in a chicken suit! Don't you have any hard facts?

Dib grabs the dirty chicken.

Dib: I want hard facts!

Eric hides behind a barrel of lard.

Eric: Don't hurt me! They say Chickenfoot lives in an apartment building on third street.

Eric grabs a chicken carcass from the meat shelf and waves it around.

Eric: Ooooohooooh!

Dib stands on a ladder and rubs the light bulb with a piece of cloth.

Dib: The mass of chickeny evil has an apartment?

The light bulb burns out, sending Dib flying. Cut to the Sweaty Pits apartment complex. Dib stands outside reading a list of the people who live there.

Dib: Govern, Rodriguez, Trueheart, Smacky... No Chickenfoot! The old man lied to me!

A man in a trench coat that covers the bottom half of his face walks by making a gobble noise as he walks past Dib, knocking into him.

Turkeyneck: Excuse me.

Turkeyneck walks inside and starts climbing up the stairs. Dib looks at the ground and shaw he left some feathers behind.

Dib: Hey...

Dib runs inside.

Dib: Wait!

Dib runs up the stairs. Dib reaches the top of the stairs and slides across the floor. He looks down the hall but doesn't see Turkeyneck. He turns around and sees him and starts running towards him.

Dib: Stop! Stop!

Turkeyneck looks behind him and starts running. They run past a woman eating a meal at a table set up in her doorway. A cockroaches scurries along the pipe lines. Dib trips over a rat and grunts. He gets up and continues the pursuit but comes to an intersection and Turkeyneck is nowhere in sight. Dib looks around and sees a trail of feathers leading up to a door. Dib runs towards the door the leaps into the door and kicks the door. The door bursts open.

Dib: Give up, Chicken-

The door bounces back and hits Dib in the face. Dib grunts. Dib pushes the door open.

Dib: Give up, Chickenfoot! I've got you!

Turkeyneck approaches him.

Turkeyneck: Wait... You wants Chickenfoot! Ho ho, see. I'm Turkeyneck!

Turkeyneck pulls open his trench coat revealing a lot of neck flab and multiple chins. Feathers fly out.

Turkeyneck: Chickenfoot's two doors down!

Dib: Why did you run from me?

Turkeyneck: I thought you were one a those darn kids after me lucky neck meats!

Turkeyneck holds up his neck flab and shakes it around, causing feathers to fly out.

Turkeyneck: They're always after me neck meats! Dontcha know!

Turkeyneck smacks his lips.

Turkeyneck: Ya see me neck meats? They're lucky!

Turkeyneck shakes his head making his neck meats flab around, also making a gobble noise. Dib slowly backs away, his tongue hanging from his mouth. Dib opens the door to the apartment two doors down. He walks inside. There are feathers on the ground.

Dib: Chickenfoot?

There is trash all over the place. There is a TV and a chicken coup. A mattress lies on the floor with sheets and a pillow on it. Chickens swarm out from around the corner, bawking. Dib groans as they go past him. Dib falls to the ground.

Dib: Chickenfoot!

Chickenfoot sits in the chicken coup.

Chickenfoot: Eh? Go away!

Chickenfoot shields his face with his arms and turns around.

Chickenfoot: Don't look at me!

Dib: I just wanna talk!

Chickenfoot: Don't look at my face! My horrible face!

Dib picks up an old piece of chicken from a bucket of chicken lying on the ground.

Dib: What happened to you?

Chickenfoot: It's a sad, sad, revolting tale!

A flashback begins. Chickenfoot holds up a sign that says 'Thirsty for chicken' while standing outside the Chicky Licky restaurant.

Chickenfoot (voice over): I was once a man, just like you. I worked in a chicken restaurant, just like you.

Dib (voice over): I don't work in a chicken restaurant.

Chickenfoot (voice over): DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!

Chickenfoot sets down the sign that says 'thirsty for chicken.'

Dib (voice over): I wasn't! Oh... just go on!

Chickenfoot (voice over): My name is... was... Chuy Rodriguez.

Chuy walks down the sidewalk. He plucks a flower from the sidewalk and sniff it. Cut to Chuy reading the newspaper under a tree.

Chuy (voice over): I lived...

Cut to an image of Chuy hugging Eric and Maria.

Chuy (voice over): I laughed...

Cut to Chuy picking up a dog and hugging it.

Chuy (voice over): I loved!

Chuy moans. The flashback ends. Chuy hops out of the chicken coup.

Chuy: But one fateful day, my destiny collided with a defective microwave oven... of doom!

The flashback starts up again in the back of the Chicky Licky restaurant. Maria holds a tray of dirty dishes. There is a container of French fries in the tray. Eric scoops the French fries into his mouth.

Maria: Potatoes are bad!

Eric: These potatoes are great!

Maria: Potatoes are bad!

Eric: These potatoes are wonderful!

Maria: The potatoes are nasty and bad!

Eric: These potatoes are the best potatoes in the world!

Eric and Maria start yanking on opposite ends of the tray. Chuy walks in.

Maria: They are not they're bad nasty bad potatoes!

Chuy grabs a plate full of chicken resting on the counter and puts it in the microwave. Eric puts fries in his mouth in slow motion.

Maria (slow motion): Nooo!!

Chuy shuts the microwave and sets it for 3 minutes then presses start. Maria and Eric continue to pull back and forth. Eric lets go and Maria rolls onto the ground, sending the container flying into the air.

Maria (slow motion): Nooo!!

The container hits the microwave, getting it all wet. Electricity starts to shoot from the microwave. Chuy screams. The microwave causes an explosion. Chuy walks out of the Chicky Licky restaurant into the parking lot.

Chuy (voice over): I survived, but the accident had caused an unholy fusion of man and chicken! And now...

Chuy falls against a car the looks at his reflection in the car window. He sees himself wearing the chicken suit and screams.

Chuy (voice over): I must survive on the fringes of society!

The flashback ends.

Chuy: Neither man nor chicken! Something in-between! A... a chickeny man!

Dib: The explosion probably just stuck the zipper! I could pull it loose!

Dib reaches for the zipper of the suit. Chuy turns away.

Chuy: You speak madness, boy! Everyday that goes by I become more grotesque!

Dib: That's because you don't bath!

Dib puts a hand over his nose.

Chuy: I can't even leave the apartment anymore!

Chuy walks over to the window seal wear chicken meal toys rest.

Chuy: Now the chicken meal toys are my only friends!

Chuy hugs the chicken meal toys.

Chuy: My one regret is I never got the dirty chicken toy.

Dib: Wait, you mean this?

Dib pulls the dirty chicken toy from his pocket.

Chuy: Ah! Ah! Gi... Give me that!

Chuy drops the chicken meal toys. Chuy lunges for it. Dib moves it out of the way and Chuy lands on the floor.

Chuy: Give me thaaaooo!

Dib: Hold on! Only if you promise to come to the hospital with me! I think I can put an end to this once and for all!

Cut to the hospital. Chuy sits on a medical bench quivering and grunting, holding the dirty chicken toy. Dib looks in from outside the examination room. He is on the phone attached to the wall.

Dib: Yes, send a news crew right away! I have the real Chickenfoot story!

A doctor stands next to Chuy. A hover screen hovers next to her displaying an x-ray of Chuy Rodriquez showing his skeleton inside the costume. The doctor taps her pointer in her hands.

Doctor: Ooh, let's go over it again. Okay.

The doctor points to the x-ray on the hover screen with her pointer.

Doctor: Here's the chicken head. Here's your head inside looking out the mask.

Dib walks up behind Chuy.

Doctor: See? Right there. Okay.

Dib: Ya see Chuy? It's just a costume. Let us take it off before you make a total mockery of paranormal studies!

Chuy: No, it's not true! It's impossible!

Chuy lies on his stomach hiding his head in his hands.

Doctor: Wu- we can just unzip the back.

The doctor grabs the zipper and starts to pull on it. Chuy looks up. Chuy knocks the doctor over.

Chuy: No!! You taunt me! I'm a freaks!

Chuy rolls off of the medical bench. Chuy makes a run for it.

Chuy: I'll always be a freak!

Chuy screams as he runs out of the examination room door.

Dib: It's really hard to wanna chase somebody who smells that bad.

Chuy runs down the hospital hallways screaming and making chicken noises. He looks behind him and when he looks in front of him again, a nurse is pushing a burn victim on a gurney in an intersection right in front of Chuy. Chuy collides with the gurney and knocks it over. Chuy drops the dirty chicken and runs into an old woman in a wheel chair, knocking her over. Dib kneels down and picks up the dirty chicken.

Dib: Chickenfoot! Come back! You're not a freak! You're just stupid!

Dib runs out of the hospital. He sees Chuy in the parking lot pecking at the ground and hoping around. Chuy runs into a truck causing one of the eyes of the costume to pop out. He gets up and sees his reflection on the plating of the truck and screams again. Chuy runs back to the hospital. Dib unhooks the beak of the dirty chicken which pulls out onto a string. Dib tosses it and it hooks on Chuy's zipper. Dib pulls on it but can't hold back Chuy. Chuy drags Dib along as he runs into the hospital. Chuy runs through a door and rolls through another door. The door shuts before Dib gets through so Dib smacks up against the door. The news crew is in the room Chuy runs into. Chuy keeps on running but since the dirty chicken is on the other side of the door, he can't get anywhere.

News crew guy: Uh, eh, Chickenfoot!

The zipper unzips and Chuy runs out of the suit, tripping on it and falling to the ground while screaming in slow motion. The news crew all jabber at once.

Reporter: Chickenfoot? Chickenfoot, over here sir! Over here!

WHUH 6 reporter: Chickenfoot rocks!

Chuy: The curse is lifted! Thank you!

Dib walks in.

Dib: It was just a costume!

Reporter: Chickenfoot was a fraud all along!?!

Dib: This just proves that paranormal studies isn't a bunch of crazies believing in anything! We also disprove the frauds!

Reporter: I bet this means bigfoot is a fraud too!

WHUH 6 reporter: And UFOs!

Reporter: And hobos!

Dib: No wait! Those are real! Except the hobos. Wait, no. They're real. I... I guess. But- what's wrong with you people!?!

Cut to Mysterious Mysteries playing on Dib's TV. The anchor sits at a desk while a picture of Chuy Rodriguez with and without his Mr. Chicky Licky costume in the corner.

Anchor: And so, the legendary Chickenfoot has been exposed as a fake, calling into question all other monster sightings.

Dib shuts off the TV.

Dib: Well, that didn't turn out like I planned, but at least it's finally over.

Dib puts his arms behind his head.

Dib: Mmmmyep.

Cut to the Krazy Taco restaurant. The Krazy Taco man walks out of the parking lot and rushes up to the Krazy Taco door and stands there for a second. He rushes inside and can be heard pressing buttons on the microwave. Light pours out of the Krazy Taco door.

Krazy Taco man: Nooooo ho ho hooo!!! Oh ho ho hooo. Oh, I'm a taco!