Dennis the Menace (film)

Hey, Mr. Wilson! Mr. Wilson. Mr. Wilson? Mr. Wilson? Poor old Mr. Wilson must be so sick. No wonder he ain't up. Wow! His heart sounds like our washing machine! Oh, no. He's growing extra skin. His tongue's very ugly... and blue and spotty. Cool! He feels warm. He has a temperature. I know what you need. You need an aspirin. Don't you ever come back! Do you hear me? Never! Starting part time will give you a chance to ease back into it. I mean, managing shopping malls can't be much more difficult... than managing Dennis. Where have you been? Dennis? Dennis? I was at Mr. Wilson's house. And, boy, is he sick. He's got a fever, and he's burning up. I better call Martha. You didn't bother him, did you? No, but I gave him an aspirin. And he don't like them any better than me. You shouldn't visit people so early in the morning. That's the only time I know for sure they'll be home. Hello, George. Alice Mitchell. Are you feeling all right? Dennis said that you... Feeling all right! Your son just shot an aspirin down my throat with a slingshot! I'm very sorry. You better talk to him! We'll talk to him. When I was a child, none of this would have been tolerated! 'Bye. 'Bye. Hi. Did you shoot an aspirin into Mr. Wilson's mouth? I didn't want him to bite off my fingers with his big, fake teeth. Those things are sharp! George said Dennis shot an aspirin into his mouth with a slingshot. What slingshot? - Do you have a slingshot? - I'm not sure. Give it to me. Mr. Wilson is very angry with you. I thought he was sick. I was only trying to help. You go sit in the corner and think about what you've done. - For how long? - Until you're sorry. Oh, good. I'm sorry now. He can't sit in the corner. I have to take him to Margaret Wade's house. Margaret's house! I didn't do anything bad enough to deserve to go to her house. She's a lunatic. I'll go crazy. She tortures me. She's mean. She's ugly. She doesn't share! I arranged with Mrs. Wade for you to go to their house while I work. Are you serious? You can't spend the summer unsupervised. You're out of school. I'll go back. Your mother made arrangements. That's it! I don't want any arguments. My life is falling apart. Hello, George. Let me take that off your hands. Sorry. I'm... I'm sorry about this morning. I won't mince words, Mitchell. Your kid is driving me nuts. - I'll talk to him again. - Maybe it isn't talk that he needs. When my dad had something important to tell me, he told me with his belt. That's not how I deal with my son, Mr. Wilson. However you deal with him... he hasn't learned you don't shoot an aspirin down a fellow's throat! - Mr. Wilson, he's five. - When I was five, I had some respect. You were probably an exceptional boy. In 1925, I was not the exception, I was the rule. I'll make sure Dennis doesn't come by anymore. Careful how you say it. I don't want everybody to think I'm a child-hater or an ogre. I'm a reasonable man who expects reasonable treatment... from his neighbors and their children. I was with the post office for more than 43 years, and never once... I'm running a little late. I'll come by after work and we can continue the conversation. There's nothing to continue. I've said my piece. We'll leave it at that. The boy cannot come over here unless he behaves himself. He won't be over at all. Now don't make me out to be a grump. I didn't say "never." I said... I really have to go. Well, now, don't... Have a good day. He's out of school now. He can't spend all his free time here. I'm not the bad guy in this, Mitchell. I'm the victim! George, who were you shouting at? Mitchell, and I wasn't shouting. I was making my point. It's not right that his youngster can run wild doing as he pleases... without regard to people or property. He's only a boy, George. He'll knot my rope once too often. I can't stand that kid! He's a menace! You'd better come in and have breakfast. We're due at the Garden Club at 9:00. Today is an important day for me, and I'm already in a lather because of that kid. I don't know if I'll even be able to enjoy my moment of triumph. Don't get your hopes up. There are lots of other gardens in town just as nice as yours. Please! I'm a shoe-in. Who else has a night-blooming mock orchid flowering this year? It's an awfully homely looking plant. Hang the looks of the thing! It opens before your eyes in the light of the full moon. It's a marvel, Martha. Forty years to mature and blossom. The flower opens and withers in a matter of moments. There isn't a gardener in town with a plant that requires... a 40-year investment for 10 seconds of splendor. How do you feel about me working? A lot of moms work. The best I could do finding someone to watch you is Mrs. Wade. What about Joey? Did you think about him? What if he comes over? He'll think I moved. Joey's mother made plans with Mrs. Wade just like I did. Joey's at Margaret's house. Do it! - I can make you. - How? I'll slug you back. - You can't hit a girl. - I can too. Try it. I'll scream so awfully, bloody, deadly horrible... my mom'll think you tried to murder me. I'll say you did and she'll believe it. Because boys are like that and girls aren't. That really stinks. Quit wasting time. Mush your lips together and let's get this over with. Close your eyes! Kiss me. All right. Let's go. Dennis, come on. Oh, gosh. Acting like a baby. Get up! Right this instant! Don't you dare embarrass me! Fine, I'll drag you inside. You guys are the boring ones. There's lots to do. Oh, really? Like what? We could practice singing songs. Or put on a play... or a puppet show. - We could bury you alive. - I could pound your face. It doesn't matter, anyways, Margaret. We'll be leaving soon and we have work to do. We're going to make a fort. You can't leave unless I go with you, or I'll tell on you. So, tough kitty paws, I'm going. Climb down from there. I'll get my purse. This thing's been here our whole life and we never knew it. - Do you think anybody lives in it? - Just squirrels and birds. It looks kind of junky. We'll fix it up. Good. I'll be the decorator. We'll put on a special room for the babies and a powder room for guests. Forts don't have powder rooms. Really? Where do the soldiers' wives go to freshen up? Soldiers don't have wives, stupid. Don't call me stupid, baby rump kisser! It won't be a fort. It'll be a house. A love nest. Let's go up and see what color carpet we should get. Do forts got carpet? Nope. Forts don't got carpet! They do now, hot lips! The Selection Committee has informed... Mrs. Butterwell and I... that this summer's Floraganza will be held in the garden of... Can you read this here? You take these and I'll take those. There we go. The garden of... George Wilson! One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi... four Mississippi, five Mississippi. Six Mississippi... seven Mississippi, eight Mississippi, nine Mississippi. Gunther, are you watching where everybody goes? Yep. Girls. Now... Let's go! You know, I was unbeatable at hide-and-seek. Hiding or seeking? Both. I had a nose for hiding places. I wouldn't think you'd be much good at hiding. Why not? Weren't you a fat boy? I was husky. Ready or not, here I come! I see Joey and Mike! Run, Mikey! He's cheating. What are you doing? Dennis is cheating. He's using the Beckman kid as a spy. Leave them alone, George. I'll even things up. Gunther, I'm just talking to your daddy on the telephone. He's going to the ice-cream store. He wants to take you with him. Hurry up and go home! Now it's fair. You lied to a toddler, George. Think how disappointed he will be when he gets home. He better get used to it. Disappointment will be a big part of his life. He's a foot short for his age. And he's cross-eyed. Ain't that a pretty sight? I bet they don't even lock their doors. You won't notice a toy store on the first level... but my suggestion is this: Give the toy store six months free rent to move up to the third level. When I go to the mall with my little boy, we always visit the toy store. He knows he won't get anything unless it's a special occasion, but like every kid... he wants to look around... Could you spare us the family anecdotes? There's always a lot of traffic in toy stores. If people have to go up to the third level to visit the toy store... then they have to go through two other levels to get there. That's apparent to anyone with children. And you have to assume that potential tenants... might have kids and would know that... and it might entice them to take up space in the other levels. That's all I'm saying. We could have carried up a lot more stuff... if you didn't have to bring that idiotic doll and all her junk! She's not idiotic! She's an important training tool. You know why men are so lousy when it comes to taking care of babies? They have better things to do. Like what? Play golf and drink beer? No, like hunting, having wars, driving cars, shaving, cleaning fish. Do you know how to do that? Me? Margaret. Oh, okay. If you didn't have women, you wouldn't have babies... and you wouldn't have people. If you didn't have men, who'd drive the ladies to the hospital? Most important, they marry the women, then the women can go and get the baby. The baby is in her stomach! She has to get it installed. Her stomach isn't just filled up with babies. - Who installs them? - A minister and a doctor. - How? - How? She wants to know how? Tell me, Dennis, how? The bellybutton. It opens up. - How come men have them? - So they don't look weird in bathing suits. Okay, on the count of three... move your hand. One. Two. Three! Okay, this time on the count of four. One. Two. Three. Four! Joey, you hold the hammer and, Margaret, you hold the nail. We did a pretty good job. - How about a little paint? - Couldn't hurt. - You got any? - My dad does. - Give me my doll, you jerk! - I don't have it! - Give it to me! Dennis! - I didn't take your doll. It's not here. Somebody took it. We've been with you. Do you guys swear you didn't take it? Yep. I've been robbed! You don't understand. Baby Louise is a very expensive antique. Nobody robbed your doll. - Maybe a bear ate it. - What? Yeah, there's no robbers in our town. What are you eating there, sport? A apple. Hi, Mr. Mitchell. Hello, Polly. Come on in. - What's the helmet for? - My girlfriend used to baby-sit for Dennis. She said to bring a helmet and wear pants. I'm looking for Polly. You're Mickey? Yeah. She's up in my mom's bathroom using the armpit perfume. She says you're such a stud, she gets nervous and sweats a lot. Cool. Come on in. Tastes funny. Tastes like paint. And wood. I'll make us some sandwiches. "'Do not cry, little locomotive,'... "said old Engine Number 99 to Huffy. "'One day when you grow up, you will realize... "'that all trains are impotent, important... "'even little mail trains."' How can a train grow? He eats all his coal and gets plenty of sleep. No, what's the point of reading lies? It teaches kids to eat all their food... and go to bed when they're supposed to. And not cry when mean cabooses and boxcars make fun of them. This is so stupid. Are you ready to get out of here and go to bed, yet? I'm not even wrinkled up yet. Keep reading. "'I will never be big enough to pull anything but silly old mail cars,'... "sobbed Huffy. "Sob... "Sobbobed Huffy." Where are you going? I'm going to investigate Mitchell's garage. Dennis has been fooling around with paint. I know it, and I will prove it. Aren't you taking this a bit far, George? He's only a boy. Kids! G.D. Wading pool! That's it! Gee, I guess those kids took off. I got him this time. Mitchell can't deny it. Sorry. Good night. He's only a boy, huh? Hi, Mrs. Wilson. Is Mr. Wilson up yet? Not yet, dear. How long do you think he's going to sleep? Not too much longer. He's having his picture taken this morning. - For what? - He's being honored for his garden. Do you think he would get mad if I went upstairs? What do you want to go upstairs for? I made an "I'm Sorry I Shot Paint on Your Chicken" card. That's very nice, Dennis. I'm kind of busy today, so I won't have a chance to give it to him. I have to go to Margaret's house... because we're getting poor, and my mom's got a job now. Could I leave it by his whisker cutter? That's where I leave my dad's "Sorry" cards. And it's a good time to say you're sorry. Grownup guys are happy in the morning when they wake up. My dad's so happy... he whistles when he goes to the bathroom. The only time he isn't happy is on Sunday morning... when he and my mom wrestle. They like to be alone when they do that. I think it's because they take off their shirts. Then they start to make funny noises... You can go up... as long as you promise not to disturb Mr. Wilson. I promise. You know what, Mrs. Wilson? What? You're the nicest old gal on the block. Hello. My name is Dennis Mitchell. I'm the doctor. Open up and say... Hello. Mr. Wilson. George? Are you ready? The photographer's here. I got a 9:30, ma'am. He'll be out any second. Sorry. George? That looks fine, Martha. Leave it alone. Martha, step back. You're in the picture. Very good. Now... smile. Hey, you. Yeah, you. Come here. I haven't seen you around here before. Maybe because I've never been around here. What are you up to? What's it to you? Now, look. I run a nice, clean town here and I don't want any trouble. My advice to you is just follow the sun out of here. Only reason I ain't moving on because you stopped to give me the breeze. You have to go to two other levels to get there and... Can I call you back? Hi, Mom. Good morning. I hear you're trying to beg off the Oklahoma City trip. I asked that it be rescheduled. Have a Cub Scout meeting or something? My husband has a trip that was scheduled before mine. If you two are traveling at the same time, no one can watch your kid. Is that the problem? - It's not a problem, per se. - Oh, good. Because if you want to blow off your trip, I have to cover for you. And I have plans I can't break. I don't have kids but... I do have a life. I'm sorry. I just won't be able to help you. God. - Okay. - Who do we call first? Let's start with the A's. Vicki? - You call. - No, you call. Hello. Hi. This is Mrs. Mitchell. Hi. Alice Mitchell. Hi. Alice Mitchell. No. This is Henry Mitchell. This is Henry Mitchell. You call. Hey, Mr. Wilson. I'm sleeping at your joint. - I brought you some grasshoppers. - You shouldn't have. I'll take them, dear. Thank you so much, Martha. George. It's our pleasure. - You saved our lives. - Save two, lose one. I'll call you just as soon as I arrive. - Do you have our number? - Don't worry about a thing. I brought my own pillow so I don't get my spit on yours. Thank you, dear. Be a good boy, okay? Mind your manners and listen to Mr. And Mrs. Wilson. - Thanks again. - Thank you. Honey? Bye-bye. Bring me something good. 'Bye, sweetheart. 'Bye, Dennis. George, take Dennis' suitcase up to the guest room, please. - He's got arms. - Don't start, dear. You know why I'm not crying? Because if I can't be with my parents... the person I want to be with is you. I can't tell you how deeply moved I am. Don't do that, please. What? The cord. Stop that tapping. There's not a lot to do around the house when it's raining out. - Do you wanna play cards? - No. Want to put on your old Navy suit and play war? - Is that pirates' gold? - No. Is it real valuable? Yes. Is that why you keep it in your safe? Uh-huh. How come your safe looks like books? How come you ask so many questions? I've only been around for five years. There's a lot of stuff I don't know. The safe looks like books... so if a thief does come in, he won't recognize it. - Is a thief a robber? - Yes. - Have you ever had a robber here? - No. What's the combination to your lock? You're the last person in the world I'd tell that to. You've got it wrote down someplace? It's in my head. - What's that mean? - It means I know it. I remember it. - What if you forget it? - I won't forget it. It's a familiar number. I won't forget it. What's that mean? It means it's a number that I use all the time, so I won't forget it. I use it all the time. - I bet I know what it is. - I doubt that. I bet it's your address. Know how I know? My friend has a bike lock... and he uses his address for the combination so he won't forget. - You're just as smart as him. - He. You got everything figured out, don't you? I haven't figured out how to get my work done... with you in the house. That's a tough one. Are you wrinkled enough yet, Dennis? - Yep. - Want me to come help you out of the tub? Not unless you want to see what the stork saw. Cool! Old Faithful. - How old is this bed? - It belonged to my mother. What's she sleeping on? She's been gone for many years, Dennis. - On business? - No. She's in heaven. There's an awful lot of people in heaven. Especially old people. How about if I recite my favorite poem when I was your age? - Is it about flowers and lambs? - No. Okay. "Wynken, Blynken, and Nod one night "Sailed off in a wooden shoe "Sailed on a river of crystal light "Into a sea of dew "'Where are you going and what do you wish? ' "The old moon asked the three "'We have come to fish for the herring fish That live in the beautiful sea "'Nets of silver and gold have we! ' "Said Wynken, Blynken, and Nod "Wynken and Blynken are two little eyes "And Nod is a little head "And the wooden shoe that sailed the skies "Is a wee one's trundle bed "Now shut your eyes while Mother sings "Of wonderful sights that be "And you shall see the beautiful things "As you rock in the misty sea "Where the old shoe rocked the fishermen three "Wynken "Blynken "and Nod" New pajamas. God bless 'em. Poor thing. I wish he'd get that hernia fixed. George, are you sleeping? I was until you started yakking. I'm sorry. Was Dennis in our bathroom? Yes. I think the little rat put mouthwash in my nasal spray... and toilet cleanser in my mouthwash. Why would he do something like that? Must you ask? Quiet! I recited a poem for Dennis tonight... that my mother used to recite to me. I remembered every word. In some tiny measure... my mother would be proud I passed something on. It's 10:00, Martha. Don't start with the regrets. I would have been a good mother. And I would have made a swell fireman. - Where are you going? - To make myself a cup of tea. I didn't decree that we wouldn't have children. That was out of both our hands. This isn't about having children or not having children. You miss the point. It's about... my feeling something very good... and not being able to tell you about it. Martha? I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm not terribly good with feelings and emotions. There are a lot of subjects I'd just as soon not bring up or discuss. I would have liked a son or a daughter. You couldn't fire the fatherly feelings in me... because they're not there. But that doesn't mean my feelings for you have gone cold. That'll never happen. You've got all the love I have. Remember this? Je t'aime. Je t'adore. Ma petite chrie. George. Get out of here! What are you looking for now? Garden lanterns. You must be pretty brave to ride on a tiger in your underpants. Put that away. That's not for kids! Martha. Where are the G.D. Garden lanterns? I think I better go outside and play. Hello. Hello, Martha. It's Alice. I'm still in Oklahoma. Oh, dear. Yes, there's a terrible storm. My flight's been cancelled. Till the weather clears, I don't know what's going to happen. I know your garden party's tonight. I feel terrible. I don't know what to do. Don't worry about it. You get home when you can. We'll be just fine here. What's George going to say? Over my dead body! This is my crowning moment of retired life and I won't throw it away like the trash... for a ninny who can't get her keister to the airport on time. George Wilson, you have no right to insult Alice. She can't help the weather, any more than you or I. It's just plain bad luck. It's no one's fault. A tragedy of this magnitude has to be somebody's fault. It isn't a tragedy. A little boy's going to join us for a party. If you want to forsake your neighbors when they need help, do it alone. Why is it, when everyone else feasts on the pleasures of life... I get the indigestion? Because you're an old grump. We did a pretty good job. Uh-huh. Now we can order furniture and major appliances. Well, Dennis... - your mother did not arrive. - Nope. This is an important event for me. I know. I don't want any nonsense. You mind whatever manners you have and don't be a pest. Okay. Don't embarrass me. Okay. Cheek pinchers. Look at the cute little boy. Are you our little host? The party's in the back. Ladies, girls, the party's in the back. Thank you very much. It's just this way, thank you. Don't embarrass me. Attention, everyone. Gather over here, please. Have a seat. It's time to begin the ceremony. All right, members, don't be timid. Move down front. Plenty of seats. Either side, either side. "On behalf of the Garden Club... "Selection Committee. - "We'd like to present..." - "George Wilson." "With this beautiful..." What does that say? "Plague." What does that mean? - Here, let me have your glasses. - No. I... "Plaque." Come on up, George. Thank you, everyone. I am honored. I will cherish this forever. Forty years ago... when I started this garden, I planted a seed. From that tiny seed... grew this grand plant. Tonight... for the first and only time in its entire life, it will blossom. As we await this glorious moment... Martha and I invite you to have some dessert and coffee. Congratulations. George, would you bring the coffee? George, don't start, George. Could you get somebody to come and clear this away? I made a mistake. Mr. Wilson! Somebody robbed your house. Forty years down the drain. You're a pest. A menace. A selfish, spoiled little boy and I have no use for you. You took something from me that I can never get back. Something that means more to me than you ever will. You understand? I don't want to see you. I don't want to know you. Get out of my way. I'm sorry, Mr. Wilson. Party's over, everybody. Go on home. I'm sorry. Oh, my God! Where's Dennis? Joey hasn't seen him all night? Okay. Well, if he shows up, please call me. 'Bye. - Did you call the Wades? - Yes. But that's the last place he'd go. Don't you ever come back here again. He's a menace. Turn that off! Don't make a pest of yourself and don't embarrass me. I don't want to know you. I don't want to see you. Get out of my way. These woods are pretty scary at night. I'm sure glad I ran into a grownup. It'll work out real nice. - You can be my hostage. - Cool! I can only be your hostage till tomorrow. I have church in the morning. You ain't going to church. You and me are catching the midnight train out of here. Really? We better stop at my house first. I have to tell my mom and dad... or else they'll worry. And I must get clean underwear and my camera... and tell my parents to feed my fish... some sun block... and vitamins and stuff to play with on the train so I don't get bored. Put a cork in it. You're giving me a headache. I don't have a cork. Shut your mouth! I can't because my nose is stuffy because of my allergies. If I shut my mouth, I can't breathe good. Then keep your mouth open, but don't talk! Where do you put the cork when you put a cork in it? Didn't I ask you to shut your yap? What's a yap? It's your mouth. I can't shut my mouth because my nose is stuffy. Shut up! I have one more question. What? What does a hostage have to do? Nothing. How come you need one? In case the cops show up. Do I get to use a gun? You get to stand in front of me if the cops use a gun. I've got a slingshot. Swell. I'm a good shot. Want to see? Excuse me, mister. Do you want to see? Mister, can you watch me for a minute? I'll tell you when to look. Look! Your fire's getting puny. When my dad's fire gets puny, he wiggles it around and it gets bigger. Dennis! Dennis! I'm sorry you're not having a very fun camping trip. Nobody shoots a marble at my head... and sets my pants on fire. That was an accident. There ain't going to be no more accidents! Turn around! You're doing it wrong. Get lost. I tied up lots of guys in my life. I bet you've never tied up a 5-year-old. I'll just get out. I'll tie it so tight you won't be able to move. The rope's too big and my legs are too small to make it tight enough. There's only one way to do it and I know because... many people have tried to tie me up but it doesn't work. But you try your way. I'll get out and you'll just have to keep doing it. What do you do differently? First, you must tie up each leg by itself. Then you tie them together. No matter how much I wiggle, I can't ever get out. If you really don't want me to move at all... Bend down. You can't get out of that at all, right? Nope. You tie me up like that, no matter how much I try, I can't ever get out. Thanks. - Now let me loose. - Okay. Get the handcuff key. - Where is it? - On my bag. What? Dennis! Dennis! I'm going to kill you. How? You can't move. Open up. I ain't hungry! It's the only way to get the key. You can't waste food. Plus, you must eat your dinner. Come on. Come on. It's coming. Too hot? You must have swallowed it. I swallowed my allowance once. I had to wait a whole night and a day to get it back. Dennis! Firewood. Bombs away! Poor little lamb. He must be exhausted. I better cover him up so he doesn't catch his death of cold. There we go. What's he got a purse for? Holy smokes! He's rich! Don't worry, I got it! I got it! I got it! Dennis! I've lost the only man I ever loved. I'll get you out of there. You shouldn't jump in a river with handcuffs on, for God's sake! You could drown. Hold on. I'm coming. Hey, mister! Good thing I know a lot about ropes, huh? That's my boy! Mr. Wilson taught me how to tie knots. When I get you out, I'm going to bed. I'm beat. It must be all the fresh air. Hold on, I'm coming. There you go. Now just pull yourself in. This is Mr. Wilson's gold. - How come you got it? - I stole it. You're a robber? I'm a thief. Say your prayers, little rat! I can't. I didn't take my bath yet. Have it your own way. Martha! Mitchell! Hey, Mr. Wilson! - Guess what? - What? I got your gold back. Dennis! Mom! Dad! Oh, sweetheart! Thank God, you're okay. Help. This is my buddy. This is my pal. Wait a minute. You can tell everybody at the big house you met our Dennis Mitchell. All right. Let's wrap it up. Mister. You forgot something. Dennis! I like that rhubarb pie that Martha makes. - Wonderful dinner. - Thank you, Henry. Alice, your coffee. Guess what? I won't have to travel anymore. That's nice. They want me to work on the project here. They agreed to start a daycare center so I can take Dennis with me to work. That's ridiculous! What the heck's he going to do all day? Don't be foolish. We're right next door. We can watch him. Well, of course. We'd love to. I don't think... I mean, you must remember back to all the times Dennis upset you. This is a new ball game. I've learned a few things. Kids are kids. You have to play by their rules. If you can't do that, you're in trouble. You must roll with the punches. You must expect the unexpected. Aren't you supposed to be in the daycare area with the other children? That's where I was, but I had to leave. The lady who watches the kids said... if she had to look at me for five more seconds... she'd jump out the window. She's a pretty nice lady... so I wouldn't want her to do that. Can I push the button? No, because you don't know which button to push. It's this one! I'm going to get this little kid! SOFTITLER English