Twanging Your Magic Clanger

Gee, that's too bad, Jake. A sore throat and a runny nose? Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, I guess you should stay at your mom's this weekend. Yeah. Yeah, feel better. Okay, bye-bye. - Jake's sick? - No, he's lying. Probably has a party to go to or something. - Or a hangover. - Mm. Remember when he wanted to be around? Remember when we wanted to be around him? Hey, that's my son you're talking about. But point taken. You're free for the weekend. What are your plans? I don't know. Uh, just catch up on my reading, take a walk on the beach. You know, a little me time. What about you? Pretty much the same. Except instead of reading and walking I'm going on a date hoping to get laid. Now, uh, when you say date, do you mean an actual date or one of your $2500 "date experiences"? If I were paying $2500, I wouldn't just be hoping to get laid. Mm. So you're back in the dating game. How'd you hook up? Was it a meet cute? - Meet cute? - You know, like, uh Like in the movies. She's carrying groceries and you bump into her and she spills them. You try to help her pick them up and you bonk heads. She's concerned she might have a concussion. You tell her you're a doctor and keep up the ruse until she's fallen in love. At which point you confess that you're not. And she's furious and never wants to talk to you. You go to her place of work and make a complete fool of yourself by declaring your love for her during an important business meeting. Thankfully the meeting is with Japanese bankers who find you charming. And they give her the big account after which you scoop her into your arms and ask her to marry you, and you live happily ever after. In Portland. Um, no. She's a dermatologist who scooped a precancerous mole off my ass. Oh. Well, that's cute too. What's her name? How old is she? Her name is Michelle and I'm guessing mid-30s. Oh, almost age appropriate. Oh! If I took a picture of a strange wart on my toe would you show it to her and ask if it's normal? Sure, I'll pull it out over dinner. Come on. She's a dermatologist and I have a hideous growth on my foot. The hideous growth on your foot is you. You know what? I'll e-mail you a jpeg. You'll know when the moment is right. - Hey, Alan. Listen - Hey. Hey. Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! - What are you doing? - Nothing. Right. Having a little me time. Wasn't little until you came in. - What do you want? - In case I get lucky and this girl comes back, make yourself scarce. - No problem. - I don't wanna see you or your wart. - Got it. - Good. Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls. Com. - Pudding girls? - Trust me. MalibuPuddingGirls. Com. Oh. Yikes. - Right here? - That's great. How's your tush? Fine. How are your boobs? I meant, how is it feeling since I took the mole off? - Oh. A little tender, but still functional. - That's good. - It's not fair, though. - What? You've seen mine, I haven't seen yours. That's true, isn't it? We're going to have to figure out a way for you to get even. - Okay, show me your ass. - You're terrible. How are you at those trivia questions? Well, let's see. "Which TV shows jump-started these movie stars' film careers?" Okay. "George Clooney. " ER. Nice. "Leonardo DiCaprio. " Growing Pains. - I didn't know that. - Oh, yeah, the last season. "John Travolta. " Um Welcome Back, Kotter. - Good memory. - How could I forget? It was my favorite show in high school. You mean it was your favorite show set in high school, right? Oh, no, no. In 10th grade I had a giant crush on Travolta. But wasn't that show on in, like, the '70s? Yeah. So you were in high school in the '70s? Uh-huh. Were you like really, really smart and skipped a bunch of grades? Uh-uh. I'm 47, Charlie. Oh, okay. I wasn't even thinking about that. Really? What were you thinking about? Uh You know, the Scientology thing with Travolta and Cruise. - What's that all about? - How old are you? You know how old I am. I filled it out on my form. You are not 36 Charlie. Even your mole was older than that. Did I write 36? I meant 40. Two. Three. So I'm out with a younger man. Sexy. Yeah. Cool. Do you want to come in for some coffee? Oh, gee, I'd love to, but, um But what? This isn't something I normally say on a first date but my left ass cheek is throbbing. Oh, you poor baby. Do you want me to take a look at it? No, no, that would just be a pity peek. I'm I'm I'm sure it's fine, but I I should go. Okay. I suppose you'll call me if you want to get together again. - Absolutely, I will. Goodnight. - You've got my number, right? - Indeed I do. Forty-seven. - Hey. Hey. Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Alan, again? - It's not what it looks like. Hey, I get it. You're bored, you're lonely. You can't afford a hooker. But come on, keep it in your room. Okay, in my defense, I wasn't expecting you home till later. Plus, it felt a little naughtier out here. You know, in public. You want naughty? Go yank it on the pitcher's mound at Dodger Stadium. Oh, clever. Ha, ha. Seventh inning stretch. You realize I now have to burn the couch. Well, if you're gonna do that, you might wanna burn the deck chair too. Oh, God, Alan. - So how was your evening? - Fine. I thought you were bringing her back here. And yet, you were twanging your magic clanger right in the middle of the living room. I lost track of time. Sue me. So, what went wrong with your date? Nothing went wrong. She's terrific, she's beautiful, she's smart. - But? - She's 47. - You said she was in her mid-30s. - That's what I thought. Apparently dermatologists know how to take really good care of their skin. Or she's a witch. I don't understand. You liked her when you thought she was 35. What changed? I found out she's 47. - Oh, come on, 47's just a number. - A big number. A scary number. Are you really that superficial, vain and shallow? Yes, yes and yes. The deepest thing about me is a little pit on my ass where a mole used to be. - But fish can swim in shallow water. - What the hell is that supposed to mean? I don't know, I'm a little dehydrated. What I'm trying to say is that it's silly to throw away a promising relationship based on an arbitrary number. It's not arbitrary. She's really 47. Forty-seven! That's like 10 years older than me. Why do you do that? I'm your brother. I know exactly how old you are. The minute I found out she was older, I started looking at her in a different way. - And what way is that? - Like she's a woman who when I'm 52, she'll be 60. - You'll be 56. What are you, the math police? - You know what this is about, don't you? - Yeah, when I'm 58, she'll be 70. - You're really gonna keep doing this? - I can't help myself. Look at it this way. When she's 70 you're likely to have been dead for 10 years. Actually that does make me feel a little better. I'll tell you one thing, Charlie. I would give anything to find someone I enjoy being with who's close to my own age and who I can really connect with. Look no further, Alan. You've found her. You do get me, don't you? I gotta be honest with you, I didn't think I was ever gonna hear from you again. - Why would you think that? - I don't know, the age thing. Oh, come on, that's just a number. I like you, I'm attracted to you. Plus, there's no way anybody looks at you and thinks: - "This is a 47-year-old woman. " - Thank you. - We're only as old as we feel, right? - Right. So I say, for all intents and purposes, you and I are a couple of 35 year olds. Agreed. We're 35. Hey, Mom. That's my daughter. For all intents and purposes, she's 8. Shauna, this is Charlie. Sorry to interrupt. I came to pick up my snowboard stuff. - Why? - What do you mean, why? - I'm going to Mammoth for a few days. - With? - What do you care? - I'm your mother. - Should I go? - No, no. It's fine. - Who are you going with? - His name's Jeremy. You happy? - Jeremy? What happened to Sarah? - Sarah and I broke up. - Sarah? - When were you gonna tell? Mom, I'm 20 years old, my personal life is none of your business. - Twenty? - As long as you're my daughter it's my business. Tell me about Jeremy. What's to tell? He's a nice guy. He's Sarah's roommate. Wait, you broke up with Sarah so you could hook up with her roommate? No, no, we were all hooking up together. But then Sarah got all weird, even though it was her idea. Don't you just hate that? The three of you had sex together? You said I should explore all my options in life. I was talking about grad school, not threesomes. - I'm so sorry you have to hear this. - No, it's fine. Pretend I'm not here. - I need to borrow money. - How do you expect to pay me back? I still have a job. A webcam in your bathroom and a PayPal account is not a job. I admit it's not making much money. But that's because there's so much free porn. She's got a point. The whole pay-to-peek industry is dying. - Thank you. - You're welcome. And if I could just throw in my two cents here. Your daughter's at that time in her life where she's gotta make her own choices. Doesn't matter if they're right or wrong. Either way she learns. - But I'm just trying to protect her. - You can't protect her. All you can do is love her and be there for her no matter what. I am there for her. You know that, right? Yeah, I do. Come here. - What? - I should go. - Oh, no, no. It's okay. - Really, I gotta go. Have this time with your daughter. - Are you sure? - Absolutely. I'll call you tomorrow. - Nice to meet you, Shauna. - Nice to meet you too. It's wrong, it's wrong, it's so wrong. Oh, what the hell? Let's try ShaunaShower. Com. - Oh, for God's sake! - Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! - It's not what it looks like. - Well, that's a relief. It looks like you were masturbating to mariachi music in your car. What do you want? I only get AM radio. - Alan? - In here. Is it safe? Yes. We cool here? Yes. Relax. You do realize you have a serious problem. - It's not my fault. - Really? Whose fault is it? Big pharma. Who the hell's big pharma? You know, pharmaceutical companies that make boner pills that last 36 hours. - You took a boner pill? - I had to. The pills were about to expire. But you didn't have a woman. Hence the constant masturbation. You know how expensive those things are. I'm simply trying to get my money's worth. So this non-stop whack-a-thon is just because you're cheap? And horny. - And nuts. - Semantics. - Why the car? - You said not in the living room. Did I say "in the car"? Well, I didn't plan it. I I was gonna go to the movies and I got distracted. What could possibly distract you from driving out of the garage? Think about it. Slipping the key into the hole. Gently turning it, pumping the gas until the engine starts purring. I'm thinking about it and I'm still going with nuts. Unlike you, I did not have female companionship tonight. - Well, as it turns out, neither did I. - Hmm. What happened? You really expect me to share my personal problems with a self-abusing zoo monkey? Who else you got? Right, here's the deal. I went back determined to take the age thing off the table. Good for you. Very mature. It was great until her daughter walks in. - She has a daughter? - Not just a daughter, Alan. A 20-year-old daughter. A gorgeous daughter. A bisexual daughter. Summing up: A 20-year-old, gorgeous, bisexual daughter. Got it. What did you do? - What could I? I got the hell out of there. - Why? What do you mean, why? You know me. If I continue a relationship with Michelle at some point I'm gonna try to nail her daughter. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But as sure as your speedometer could use a Handi-Wipe, it will happen. - So you're breaking up with Michelle? - I have to. Then you hit on the daughter? No, no. No. I'm getting away from both of them. It's better to hurt Michelle a little now than a lot later. Oh. Well, color me impressed. You're making a decision that's considerate and selfless. Putting aside, of course, the fact that the motivation for the decision is sordid and despicable. - Thank you. Seriously though, the daughter is unbelievable. She has some kind of porn site on the Internet. Really? Apparently there's a webcam in her bathroom. Can you imagine a 20-year-old co-ed in the shower, with her girlfriend, soaping each other up? Something to ponder. Excuse me. Actually, not a bad idea. Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Oh, jeez, Zippy. - What are you doing with the pudding? Well, I guess I appreciate your honesty. It wouldn't be fair to start a relationship with you knowing I'm still not over Chelsea. No, it's understandable. She was your fiancée. I've tried to stop thinking about her, and I can't. I like you too much to risk our relationship being some kind of a rebound thing. - All right. - I guess I just have to accept that. - Thank you. Bye. You know what, Jeremy? Just go to hell, you're a childish jerk. Oh, hey. You okay? I guess. I just thought this guy was something he's not. Well, he's young, you know, women mature faster than boys. That is so true. Have you considered dating someone a little older? I tried that once, it was disgusting. - Really? - The guy was almost 35. It was like sleeping with my grandfather. - No kidding. - He could only do it twice in a row before he needed to take a nap. Uh-huh. Excuse me. Hey, Michelle, good news. I think I'm over Chelsea. Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa! It's not what it looks like. So you feel like going again? Sure. I just need, you know, a little nap first. Oh, jeez, Charlie. What are you gonna be like when you're my age? - Ouch. - I'm kidding. Come here. Hang on. What do you want, Alan? Arrested? For what? Oh, Alan. What was the movie? You're right, it doesn't matter. Okay, I'm on my way. - Where you going? - Nowhere.