The Gorilla Dissolution


 * Raj: Aren't you going to get 3-D glasses?
 * Sheldon: Oh, I brought my own. No sense of risking bridge-of-nose herpes.
 * Raj: Is that a real thing?
 * Sheldon: Well, until they invent nose condoms, I'm not finding out.


 * Penny: There’s no reason why I shouldn't be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla that anyone has ever seen.
 * Leonard: I don’t know. The bisexual killer gorilla go-go dancer in “Schindler’s List” is tough to beat.


 * Penny: Oh my God, What a day.
 * Leonard: Can I get you anything?
 * Penny: No. I need to start making some smart decisions.
 * Leonard: With your career?
 * Penny: No. With my life.
 * Leonard: Like what?
 * Penny: I don’t know. We could get married.
 * Leonard: Come on, be serious.
 * Penny: I am.
 * Leonard: Why? Because I’m a smart decision?
 * Penny: Well, yeah.
 * Leonard: So I’m like a bran muffin.
 * Penny: Well, no. That’s not what I’m saying.
 * Leonard: No, it’s exactly what you’re saying. I’m the boring thing you’re choosing because I’m good for you.
 * Penny: What does it matter? The point is I’m choosing you.
 * Leonard: Well, it matters a lot. I don’t want to be a bran muffin. I want to be a Cinnabon, you know? A strawberry Pop Tart. Something you’re excited about even though it could give you diabetes.
 * Penny: Sweetie, you can be any pastry you want.
 * Leonard: No, no, no. It’s too late. I’m your bran muffin. Probably fat-free and good for your colon.
 * Penny: You know what? Forget it. I should've never brought it up.
 * Leonard: You know I want to marry you., but you’re only doing this because you got fired and you’re feeling sorry for yourself.
 * Penny: Okay, it may look that way, but getting fired from that movie was the best thing that could ever happen to me, okay? I finally realize I don't need to be famous or have some big career to be happy.
 * Leonard: Then what do you need?
 * Penny: You, you stupid Pop Tart.
 * Leonard: Oh. Then I guess I’m in.
 * Penny: Really? You guess you’re in?
 * Leonard: Not like “I guess I’m in:” Like “I guess…I’m IN!”
 * Penny: All right. Cool.
 * Leonard: So is that it? Are we engaged?
 * Penny: Yeah, I think so.
 * Leonard: All right.
 * Penny: What’s wrong?
 * Leonard: I’m not sure. Just feels a little anticlimactic.
 * Penny: Yeah, it kind of does, huh?
 * Leonard: Oh, I know. This might help.
 * Penny: Where did you get a ring?
 * Leonard: I've had it for a couple of years, not important. [Gets on knee.] Penny, will you marry me?
 * Penny: Oh, my God. Yes.
 * Leonard: This would have been so much more romantic if you didn't have monkey hair on your finger. [Couples hug.]


 * Director: And action.
 * Wil: Please don’t shut me out.
 * Penny: Go away. Just go away.
 * Wil: I swear, I will find a way to turn you back.
 * Penny: What gave you the right to mix my DNA with that of a killer gorilla?
 * Wil: I was trying to save your life.
 * Penny: Life? What life? Look at me I’m a monster! And now I have blood on my hands or paws. I don’t know.
 * Wil: You can’t give up. I love you.
 * Penny: I love you too. But I’m afraid I love killing more. Like, one day, I might actually try and kill you. [Ape screaming at him.]
 * Director: And cut. All right. All right, let’s set up for the next scene.
 * Penny: Actually, you know what? Can we do one more? I think I could do it better.
 * Director: Let’s just move on. No one cares.
 * Penny: Well, I care. I mean, look. IF we’re gonna do this, why not try and make it something we’re actually proud of?
 * Director: Look sweetie, this movie is garbage, but you should be happy about that, ‘cause if it was a good movie you wouldn't be in it.
 * Leonard: Whoa, whoa, hang on. There’s no need to insult her.
 * Director: And who are you?
 * Leonard: I’m her boyfriend.
 * Director: Isn't she too hot for you?
 * Leonard: A little, yeah.
 * Director: Well, boyfriend. Get off my set.
 * Penny: You can’t do that. He’s with me.
 * Director: You know what? You can get off my set too. You’re fired.
 * Penny: What? You can’t fire me. I’m the star. I’m the girl that goes bananas. It says so on the poster.
 * Director: Yeah, but we just shot the last scene where we see your face. So from now on, the star of the movie is whoever wears this.
 * Wil: Hey, if you’re gonna fire her, then you have to fire me too. [Everyone is in a bar.] Wow, that fell apart real fast.


 * (The upstairs scene at the Wolowitz house)
 * Bernadette: Almost there. You’re doing great.
 * Howard: Thanks for lifting my spirits. Next time, try lifting the box.
 * Raj: Please hurry.
 * Mrs. Wolowitz (off): I don’t need a treadmill.
 * Howard: The doctor says you need to get exercise.
 * Mrs. Wolowitz (off): I get plenty of exercise.
 * Howard: Crushing my will to live isn’t exercise.
 * Raj: If she isn’t gonna use it, then why are we doing this?
 * Howard: She’ll use it. All I need is to rig it with a fishing pole and a HoneyBaked Ham.
 * Raj: All right. Now what?
 * Bernadette: We set it up in Howie’s old room.
 * Raj: Do you know how to set it up?
 * Howard: Please, I’m an MIT-trained engineer. I think I can handle… Ma, look out.
 * Mrs. Wolowitz (off): Aaaaah! I told you this thing would kill me.
 * (The intro theme song begins)


 * Sheldon: I know let’s go see the new Spiderman movie.
 * Amy: Sheldon, we’re talking about your friend’s mother. She got hurt.
 * Sheldon: I thought that subject had run its course so I changed it. It’s called reading the room, Amy.


 * Bernadette: (worried) You think we should get one of those machines to help her up the stairs.
 * Howard: You mean a forklift?
 * (Bernadette has a sympathetic glare of anger at the "forklift" idea her husband had said)
 * Bernadette: (crossly) Howie.
 * Howard: I’m sorry. I just can’t deal with this right now.
 * Bernadette: (asking him crossly) Taking care of your own mother? How can you say that?
 * Howard: Bernie, she’s gonna be off her feet for six to eight weeks. Are you prepared to feed her, wash her and take her to the toilet?
 * Bernadette: I would do it for my mother.
 * Howard: Yeah, of course you would, you’re a loving person. I’m what my people would call a putz.
 * Bernadette: Look, I’m not crazy about the idea, but what other choice do we have?
 * Howard: We get a nurse. Preferably someone from a third world country who’s used to suffering and unpleasant smells.
 * Bernadette: You’d hire a total stranger to take care of the woman who raised you? That’s so cruel.
 * Howard: Not if we pay them well and let them listen to the music of their homeland.
 * Mrs Wolowitz (off): I need to tinkle.
 * Howard: Sounds like a job for a loving person.
 * (Bernadette now gets off the couch with immediate fury)
 * Howard: Would you like me to play some Polish music while you carry her to the toilet?
 * Bernadette: (she is now very cross) You are a putz.
 * Howard: As advertised.


 * Sheldon: I’m sorry. I don’t have all the ingredients to make Chai Tea.
 * Raj: You don’t have to make me anything.
 * Sheldon: No, I do. You’re upset about Emily and you’re Indian. I need to make you Chai Tea. I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. You happen to have any on you?
 * Raj: (sarcastically) Sorry, I left them in my turban.


 * Penny: You know, the only thing worse than being in a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass is being fired from a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass.


 * Penny: It’s easy for you to say. You used to be famous.
 * Wil: Penny, it’s not about being famous, it’s about the art, it’s about the passion you have for our craft. I have an audition for Sharknado 2.


 * Sheldon: Well, good night.
 * Raj: Don’t send me home. I can’t be alone right now.
 * Sheldon: That’s your problem. You can’t be alone.


 * Bernadette: Howie, I’m back!
 * (Howard enters the living room shushing his wife angrily)
 * Howard: (he whispers angrily) Shh, I just got her to sleep.
 * Bernadette: (ashamed) Sorry.
 * Howard: (whispering aggressively) What took you so long? The grocery store is a few blocks away.
 * Bernadette: (she is now very cross) They only had regular yogurt. I had to go to a different store to get the extra-fat kind your mom likes.
 * Howard: (he's whispering sensitively with an angry suspicion) Then why do I smell coffee on your breath?
 * Bernadette: (she is now even more crosser) So what? After two days of taking care of her, excuse me for stopping to get a mocha.
 * Howard: (he's whispering with high-pitched anger) A mocha? Well, it must be nice to be queen.
 * Bernadette: (she shouts in violent anger) Queen? I’ve been killing myself here.
 * Howard: (he is more and more aggressive) Well, whose fault is that? I wanted to get a nurse, but you were all, (he talks in Bernadette's voice) "I’m nice, I want to take care of people".
 * (Bernadette angrily throws her handbag off her body, she rolls up the handbag handles in a big rage and she slams it down on the coffee table in huge fury).
 * Bernadette: (she is so enormously angry) I’m glad I got that mocha. And you know what else I’m glad about? (she yells loudly like Mrs. Wolowitz) I bought you a brownie and I ate it in the car.
 * Mrs Wolowitz (she's groaning off-screen): Howard.
 * Howard: (he whispers with anger for the final time) Thanks a lot. Now I have to go rub her belly again.
 * (Howard now huffs away out of the living room)


 * Raj: Hey.
 * Emily: Thanks for letting me come over.
 * Raj: O.K. Please. Come in.
 * Emily: I just wanted to say how sorry I was about tonight and I wanted to make sure we’re OK.
 * Raj: Look, you and I haven’t made any commitments to each other.
 * Emily: I know. I just felt like I needed to explain. This guy did my last tattoo and he has been asking me out for months. I finally said yes just to get it over with.
 * Raj: It’s O.K.
 * Emily: Really?
 * Raj: Well, I mean, yeah, it freaked me out a little, but that's my issue, not yours.
 * Emily: Wow. IF I saw you out with another woman, I'd be pretty upset.
 * Raj: Thank you. Not for just being upset, but for believing that could happen.
 * Emily: Just so you know, I’m not seeing anyone else.
 * Raj: Well, me neither.
 * Emily: Okay.
 * Raj: Please. So you have tattoos?
 * Emily: Yeah.
 * Raj: I don’t. I have a hole in my belly button that may or may not have been a piercing.
 * Emily: That’s cool.
 * Raj: It’s a piercing. So how many tattoos?
 * Emily: One on my shoulder, one not on my shoulder and one REALLY not on my shoulder.
 * Raj: It’s been a long time since a girl’s “really not my shoulder”.
 * Emily: Well, how about you show me your piercing and I show you my tattoos? [Kiss.]
 * Raj: But before I take my shirt off I need about ten minutes to do some crunches.