Mr. Big's Mini-Golf

Narrator: Just another slow day at the office for WordGirl and Captain Huggy Face. Wait-- is that a new ping-pong table?

(Scene: WordGirl's Secret Spaceship Hideout. She and Huggy are playing ping-pong.)

WordGirl: Oh yeah.

Narrator: Wow. That's a big table!

WordGirl: I know. It's  colossal .

(Huggy chatters, then slams the ball toward her.)

WordGirl: Out of bounds! Doesn't count. Heh.

(Huggy chatters again.)

WordGirl: Yeah, that's right, I'm  scoff ing at you! It's part of the fun of the game.

(Huggy grunts in frustration.)

WordGirl: Gosh, Huggy, it sure has been quiet lately. I wonder where all of the villains have been? Haven't heard a peep from any of them.

Narrator: Psst! They're at the annual villain convention.

(Scene: A seedy-looking hotel, with a sign out front that says "Welcome Villains". Inside a meeting room, villains are gathered around, and Granny May is speaking to them.)

Granny May: That brings me to item number two on our agenda. I'd like to introduce everyone to a brand new villain.

(A man with a cowboy hat comes up to the front riding a cart with steer horns for handlebars.)

Guy Rich: My name is Guy Rich. I just moved into your charmin' little town.

Granny May: Guy Rich is an evil businessman who has swindled customers out of millions of dollars! Let's give a friendly villain welcome to our newest member, Guy Rich!

(Another man, apparently a caddy, hands him a golf club, which he swings. Most of the villains clap, while Mr. Big just sits there unimpressed.)

Guy Rich: Thank you, thank you. You may hold the applause, even though I am extremely rich, and therefore extremely deserving of your awe.

Mr. Big: Listen, there's only room for one rich golf-loving evil businessman, and that's ME!

Guy Rich: Are you  scoff in' at me?

Mr. Big: Well, I didn't go to a fancy word college, so I don't know what  scoff ing means. But let's just say I am making fun of you.

Leslie: Actually,  scoff ing means making fun of something, sir.

Guy Rich: You don't know what  scoff in' means? What kind of evil businessman are you?

(The other villains start laughing.)

Whammer: Ah! Wham. (Puts his hand on Mr. Big's shoulder.)

Guy Rich: I live in the biggest, most  colossal  mansion in the city.

Mr. Big: Heh! I highly doubt that! (whispering to Leslie) What's " colossal " mean?

Leslie: Uh...

Guy Rich:  Colossal  means huge, giant, the biggest. My mansion has 150 rooms, and my very own miniature golf course in the backyard.

(He swings his club again, and the villains watch in awe.)

Mr. Big: Well, excuse me Guy, I know you're the new villain in town here. But "big" is MY territory, and that's why I'm called Mr. Big.

Guy Rich: I happen to specialize in the  colossal . And since " colossal " means BIGGER than big, that means I'M the richest, most powerful businessman in the world. Hey-- you should all come over to my miniature golf course sometime. You are all invited.

Granny May: Oh, what a nice young man!

Whammer: Put me down for a WHAM!

(He whams, and trashes the room.)

Mr. Big: Hey hey hey hey, villains, WHY would you want to play on his tiny little miniature golf course, when you could play on the biggest, most  colossal  miniature golf course in the world?

Leslie: (whispering to him) Uh, you don't have a golf course, sir?

Mr. Big: (to Whammer) So, what do you say?

Whammer: Go awesome miniature golf! The Whammer is so there!

(He whams again, knocking more villains over.)

Narrator: Meanwhile, at WordGirl's super-secret hideout, it's looking like the ping-pong practice has paid off. What's the score?

WordGirl: It's still zero-zero.

(As she says this, the ball whizzes past her.)

WordGirl: Hey, no fair! I was distracted by the narrator.

(Huggy chatters back at her, and then a panel opens at the bottom of a WordGirl logo on the wall, and a spring-loaded villain doll pops out.)

Voice: Incoming dispatch!

(With an excited look, she grabs Huggy and zips back to the control panel. A picture of Guy Rich appears on the screen.)

WordGirl: (reading) Wealthy criminal businessman Guy Rich has moved into town. Huh! I love this new villain notification system. It's such a  colossal  help in keeping me organized. What do you say we swing by, welcome him to town and let him know who's boss?

(Huggy chatters in agreement.)

Narrator: Meanwhile, outside the  colossal  mansion of Mr. Big...

(Scene: Mr. Big's mansion. He is riding through the yard in a golf cart with Leslie driving.)

Mr. Big: I'll show that Guy Rich, I'll show them all. My miniature golf course will be so  colossal , you'll be able to see it from the MOON!

Leslie: Ugh. Right. So, how are you planning on building such a  colossal  golf course anyway? Let me guess, mind control?

Mr. Big: No.

Leslie: Oh.

Mr. Big: Okay, yes. But this mind control will be a little different.

(Scene: A bus stop, a little later. Mr. Big and Leslie are sitting on a bench reading newspapers, when Whammer walks by carrying bags of groceries. He suddenly freezes, as he is subjected to mind control. He drops the bags.)

Leslie: Wait. You're mind controlling other villains?

Mr. Big: Why not? They're strong, good for heavy lifting. Mwah-ha! (to Whammer) Now, spin around and do a split.

(Whammer does as he asks, and does a split with a great deal of discomfort.)

Mr. Big: Hee hee, yes! Oh, go to that fast food restaurant and steal that  colossal  clown statue and bring it to my mansion!

(Whammer stands back up with a pained expression, then heads off. Within moments, he comes back carrying the statue. Mr. Big cackles with glee, and Leslie just stares at him.)

Mr. Big: Clowns make me laugh.

(Scene: Dr. Two-Brains and his henchmen pull up in front of a building shaped like a slice of pie. Mr. Big is across the street from them with his mind control device.)

Mr. Big: Hey, Two-Brains. See that bakery, the one that's shaped like a windmill? Oh, that would be perfect for the ninth hole on my giant mini-golfcourse. Bring it!

(Two-Brains and the henchmen, now under mind control, go and fetch the item he wanted.)

Mr. Big: Mind control never gets old.

Narrator: Meanwhile, across town, WordGirl and Captain Huggy Face welcome new villain Guy Rich to the neighborhood.

(Scene: WordGirl is flying around with Huggy. He looks through a pair of binoculars, and points out the location. WordGirl swoops down in front of what appears to be a fancy mansion, and lands at the front door.)

WordGirl: Here we are.

(She presses the doorbell, but there is no response. Huggy then knocks on the door. Finally, Guy opens the door.)

Guy Rich: Listen, how many times do I have to tell you, I don't want to buy any Fair City scout cookies?

WordGirl: Um... we're not here to sell you cookies, heh-heh. I'm WordGirl, and this is my sidekick Captain Huggy Face.

Guy Rich: Oh-- WordGirl! I mean, oh, WordGirl. What a nice surprise. I wasn't expecting you.

(She looks inside, then outside, and has a confused look.)

WordGirl: What's going on here? According to my information, you're supposed to be super-rich, and live in a  colossal  mansion.

(We see the building from the side, and it is nothing more than a shack with a huge facade on the front.)

Guy Rich: (laughing) You think I live here? In this tiny house?

WordGirl: I wouldn't  scoff  at the size of your house. Bigger isn't necessarily better.

(WordGirl and Huggy sit down on the couch next to Guy.)

Guy Rich: (sighs) I know, I know. But-- tell that to the rest of the world. I mean, everywhere you look it's a contest to see who has the biggest car, or the most  colossal  TV. It's hard for a normal guy like me.

WordGirl: A normal guy?

Guy Rich: That's right. I'm a fake. A fraud, a liar. I'm just a regular old guy with a regular old job.

WordGirl: I don't get it. Why would you pretend to be a villain?

(Guy's caddy sits next to Huggy, shoving everyone over. He is holding a tray of food, which gets Huggy's interest.)

Guy Rich: Look at Mr. Big. He's got the world's most  colossal  miniature golf course right in his own backyard! Everyone looks up to him.

WordGirl: W--wait a second. A  colossal  miniature golf course? That doesn't sound right. Are you sure about that?

Guy Rich: Of course. He's rich!

WordGirl: Hmm. Come with us.

(They all try to stand up, but they are wedged together so tightly on the small couch that they can't move. WordGirl shakes her head.)

(Scene: Mr. Big's mansion, where a elaborate miniature golf course has already been built.)

Mr. Big: My miniature golf course. It's so-- big! It's--  colossal ! Now everyone will see that I am richer than Guy Rich.

Leslie: Are you going to let these poor villains go now?

Mr. Big: Soon. But first-- I'm going to play a round of golf. Guy Rich has one caddy, but look how many I have! (clears throat) My driver, please.

(All of the villains hand him clubs. Mr. Big tees up a ball and hits it toward the hole with the windmill, but it lands short of the hole. This makes him angry, and he looks over at Whammer, who puts his fists together and sends a shock wave toward the hole, knocking the ball into the cup.)

Mr. Big: Ooh! A hole in one. Did you see that?

(WordGirl lands in front of him with Huggy.)

WordGirl: Oh, I saw it, Mr. Big. And I also saw a whole lot of stolen property!

Mr. Big: WordGirl!

(Leslie throws her notepad and pencil away and walks off screen.)

WordGirl: Your putting days are over, Big!

Mr. Big: You're not going to get me that easily. (He speaks into his mind control device) Villains-- seize her!

(The other villains, still in a trance, move toward her.)

Mr. Big: Tata, WordGirl!

WordGirl: Huggy, initiate plan number 227! Hey villains, snap out of it! Don't you know that Mr. Big is mind controlling you? Hey, stop-- put me down!

(They converge on her, and Whammer picks her up and throws her. Then he whams her, and Granny May knits a trampoline of yarn that she lands on. It propels her back toward them, and Butcher launches a meat attack on her. Mr. Big drives off in his golf cart, but Huggy is riding in the back and grabs the mind control device. He runs back and points it at the other villains, releasing them from Mr. Big's mind control.)

WordGirl: Thanks, Huggy.

Granny May: WordGirl?

Dr. Two-Brains: What's she doing here? (pause) What am I doing here? (gasps) Is that a clown? What is he doing here? Don't like clowns!

Whammer: I love clowns! Wham!

WordGirl: Mr. Big has been mind controlling all of you.

Dr. Two-Brains: Does she speak the truth, Mr. Big?

Mr. Big: (sheepishly) Anyone for golf?

Granny May: Mr. Big! You know the evil villain's association has a rule against mind control on other villains! We made the rule because of YOU!

Mr. Big: Hey! Listen, if you think about it, the real villain here is Guy Rich, you know? Bragging about his  colossal  mansion and his fancy mini-golf course. Guy Rich is the reason I did this!

WordGirl: That's why you built this golf course? To show people you're richer than Guy Rich? Aagh. Um, Guy, can you come out?

(Guy Rich walks over toward her.)

WordGirl: Mr. Big, Guy Rich has something he wants to tell you.

Guy Rich: Uh-- oh yes. I just want to tell you, MY miniature golf course is much bigger than this thing--

(WordGirl and Huggy glare at him angrily.)

Guy Rich: Where is my golf bag?

WordGirl: Guy! Tell Mr. Big the truth.

Guy Rich: Okay, okay. I'm not really a rich villain. In fact, I'm not rich at all, I'm just a normal guy.

Mr. Big: Normal? I don't get it. Well, you just seem so... rich. You-- you have a caddy!

Guy Rich: Oh, he's not my caddy, he's my brother. We switch off. In the next town, he gets to pretend to be the rich villain, and I have to be the caddy. (to WordGirl) Do you mind if I leave now? I have to run to the laundromat and put my clothes in the dryer.

(WordGirl points her thumb at them, and they walk off.)

Mr. Big: So, I built this enormous mini-golf course so everyone would think I was the richest villain in town. And I already WAS the richest villain in town! (chuckling) Wow. What a  colossal  misunderstanding. It's kind of funny... when you think about it... ?

(Whammer picks up the mind control device and turns it on. Mr. Big goes under mind control.)

Whammer: Look! Mr. Big's under mind control!

(He tosses the remote to Granny May.)

Granny May: Oh, Bi-i-ig... can you do a nice pirouette for a little old lady? Ha-ha-ha!

(He twirls around. Dr. Two-Brains grabs the device.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Wanna tap dance?

Granny May: Forget the dancing! Let's go home and do Granny's dishes!

(WordGirl grabs the remote from her.)

WordGirl: Mr. Big is going to return this stolen property, then he's going to jail.

(The other villains grumble.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Little miss no-fun!

WordGirl: Now, don't  scoff , I did just rescue you all!

Narrator: And so, WordGirl saved the villains from mind control, and showed Mr. Big the error of his ways. Tune in next time for more  colossal  adventures of-- WordGirl!

(For the closing scene, WordGirl and Huggy are back at the hideout playing ping-pong. Huggy beats her again, and stands on the table in victory.)