Tearjerker

I've had sex with a lot of women. And let me tell you, you should probably get tested. He just left. Oh, yeah! U. S. A. To the rescue! Smith, I don't need your help! Nobody needs America's help until they need it. Ah! What the hell? Wait! You're a gun? I always thought you were, like, an eyeball or something! Douche! - Morning, Peacenickel. - Morning, government sanctioned murderer. Oh, Peacenickel. Why don't you shut up? Is he in? Smith, sit down. This is Tchochkie Schmear, a ruthless, international arms dealer who is now suddenly producing movies. As we speak, he is shooting 20 films, all with A-list celebrities. But according to our intel, they're absolutely atrocious. - How bad can they really be? - His latest film is Bark of the Covenant. It's a remake of Raiders with a German Shepherd as Indiana Jones. It also stars Matthew McConaughey as Karen Allen. Clearly these horrible movies are a cover for some diabolical scheme. I don't know, sir. Was Lady in the Water a cover for anything? We need you to infiltrate the set and find out what he's up to. - The world is at stake. - Really? Could be. You know who's gonna find out? - Me? - Bingo. So, what new gadgets have you got for me, S? Seems like an ordinary, fancy gold pen, right? Turn the top. When that gas comes in contact with a woman it makes her breasts grow bigger. Don't you have anything a little more useful? Ah, right, right. Perhaps you'll like this. Looks like an ordinary cell phone, yes? Well, open it and press three. Yeah, see? If you were a woman, you'd have some pretty big cans by now. Here's your coffee, Mr. McConaughey. And thanks for hiring me as your college intern, Mr. Schmear. Oh, um, Mr. Schmear, I'm writing a paper on the history of cinema. And I was wondering, um, are you making so many bad movies at once as part of some evil plot to dominate the world? And also, I need to leave early on Friday 'cause my roommate's mother is coming to take us out to dinner. What did you do? Was there milk in that coffee? McConaughey can't have milk! Stop! Take my hand. This isn't McConaughey! It's a robot! The robot McConaughey went haywire, sir. He is kaput. Thank you, Tchochkie. Well, Professor, it appears your crappy robots still malfunction when they drink milk. You're a lunatic with a madman's dream of a milk-proof robot! Good-bye, Professor. I'll weep for you. Yeah, that's ridiculous. The contractor who built this place screwed me good. Gums, he's stuck on the death slide. Okay, there we go. Mani, Pedi, dance for me! # Sad things known to man But ain't too much sadder than # # The tears of a clown # # When there's no one around ## Thank you for flying out here, Smith. Of course, sir. But why are we dressed up like this? Because I thought we could be secret Asians. A 16-hour flight for a bad pun? Yes. Yes. So you think it was milk that made the McConaughey robot go crazy? Yes. But more importantly, where's the real McConaughey and why was he replaced with a robot? We're not sure. What we do know is that before McConaughey agreed to do Tchochkie's film he spent a week at an exclusive celebrity spa in the remote Teardrop Islands. Your mission is to go to the spa and find out what's going on. The spa is owned by mysterious business tycoon, Tearjerker. But, sir, how do I get into the resort? Tearjerker's a notorious gambler who's currently at the casino in Monte Carlo. Go challenge him to a game of chance and win yourself an invitation. Oh. Looks like I've got a bite. What is your drink, sir? Beer. Shaken, not stirred. Hey, handsome. Got a light? Looks like you got yourself a cigarette there. I'm Sexpun T'Come. I get a good feeling from you. - Do you get a good feeling from- - Are you a whore? I mean, it's cool if you're a whore. But no right now. - I don't get with no whore. - Another martini for Tearjerker. Good evening, Tearjerker. Smith. Stan Smith. I didn't really ask who you were, but okay. - I'd like an invitation to your spa. - I only invite celebrities. Well, perhaps I can play you for an invitation. Name your game. Okay. Baccarat. - Yeah, I don't know how to play that. - Okay then. Craps. Yeah, I don't get that either. I mean, seven's good. But then seven's not good. How do you play the horn? Then they get mad at me- Okay, okay. Perhaps you should name your game. But I must warn you! I never lose. Okay. Let's play Highest Number. - I'm not familiar with it. - Whoever says the highest number wins. - You go first. - Thank you. Six thousand. Seventeen thousand. Well played. I guess I'll see you on the Teardrop Islands. - Did you get it? - Yes, baby. I trust you'll enjoy my spa, Mr. Stan Smith of the C. I. A. In fact, you'll like it so much you'll never leave. Oh, my God! You smell that? I had a pickle an hour ago. Came with my Reuben. I'm so fat. I am a huge fan, Mr. Depp. What are you reading there? A film I just signed on to do with Spielberg. Your milk shake, Mr. Depp. Huh, milk shake. So you're not a robot. - No. - If you ever become a robot, will you tell me? Sure. Nice. We're now beginning our descent into the Teardrop Islands. Look at that. We're landing in his mouth. It's like he's eating us. I bet we're delicious. I know you're delicious. Mani, Pedi, Sexpun? I'm gonna need you guys to go give our guests their " spa treatments. " Oh, you can throw a knife. But you know what you can't throw? A party for my birthday which was Wednesday! I remembered yours! What is the fascination with celebrity babies? There are so many more important things going on in the world. Famine, war-Ahh. Sharon Stone's baby is afraid of her. Just like the rest of us. Right this way, Mr. Depp. I'm gonna try and touch Gilbert's grapes. Hello again, Mr. Smith. Well, look what the whore cat dragged in. A whore. No. I'm Tearjerker's personal masseuse. And he asked me to work on you myself. - Will you marry me? - Wha- Look, I know where this is going, but I'm saving myself for marriage. So before we have relations, we have to sanctify our union in the eyes of God. Then I'm gonna make love to you until you hate your vagina. My God, you're so sweet! L- I- Here. Think about it. I'm gonna go hit the juice bar. You probably wouldn't like it. It's not about living out childhood abuse through degrading sexual encounters. It's more about juice. Johnny! How's the Spielberg script? I'm not doing that film anymore. Tchochkie Schmear's got a project that's way better. Skateboarding Grandma. Wait a second. You're doing a crappy Tchochkie Schmear movie instead of working with Spielberg? - Here. You want to try my milk shake? - I hate milk shakes. Really? 'Cause on the plane you- Open up! - Get off me, man. - Come on. Drink it like a bird! You promised me you'd tell me if you became a robot! You broke a pinky promise! I once found a robin's nest in Tim Burton's hair- - Sexpun? - Stan, Tearjerker only invited you here because he wants to kill you. And I'm only telling you this because I think I'm falling for you. Ah. I remember when I first fell for me. Great feeling, isn't it? Warm. Right in your belly. Right there. That's me. - Now tell me what Tearjerker's up to! - I'll tell you. All aboard Tearjerker's Diabolical Plan Boat Tour. Let us make nautical haste! Tearjerker has spent years replacing the world's foremost thespians with robots. Why? So he could make them perform in the worst films imaginable. Some, like Sylvester Stallone, already do that themselves and hence, are not made into robots. Now, stay with me here. Because the plan gets a little convoluted and a lot crazy. With the robots making terrible films that no one would want to see the world will be forced to go see Tearjerker's very own cinematic masterpiece. This is all so Tearjerker can get people to see a movie? Please hold your questions until the end of the tour. Questions? The tour ends here? I thought that was a lap pool. Mike, you ended the boat tour in my office? Unacceptable. Get over here and fix it! And don't send your 20-year-old stoner son! I know because I'm not an idiot, Michael! Look, I went through the same thing with Lily, and she's at Yale now. Just talk to him. And by talk, I really mean listen. And fix my damn lair, you thieving bastard! Never hire a contractor just because he's gorgeous. So you've heard most of my brilliant scheme. Now I bet you want to know what drove me to this. - Not really. I just need to know- - The year was 2002. The place, Hollywood. My dream was to make it on the silver screen. My first audition was for the lead in a little movie called Monster's Ball. Make me feel good. Make me feel good. Yeah, the producers laughed too. Laughed me out of that room and out of that town! So I swore that one day I'd make the whole world cry by making the saddest film of all time! Lights! In a world torn apart by war and intolerance one voice stood out. A voice that was strong. A voice that was inspiring. A voice that was sometimes hard to understand. I want to drive the truck! I want to drive the truck! Oscar, no! Be quiet! Vroom-vroom! Vroom! Vroom-vroom! As if it wasn't enough that he was Jewish- I am sorry to say that your son is mentally retarded. What does that mean, Doctor? It means he'll never not be retarded. No! Oh, no! Why? Why us? And as if it wasn't enough that he was Jewish and mentally retarded- Where is the wine? He was an alcoholic. Oscar, no! You can't have that! I want more dizzy water! I want to play more, puppy! Oscar, I- I have some bad news for you. Your puppy has cancer. And it took the death ofhis best friend to realize sometimes strength comes to us all. This holiday season, go for strength. Go for inspiration. Go for Oscar Gold. - Wow. So sad. - Really sad. Yes, it's sad. I'm glad you guys got that. And that was just the trailer. Imagine seeing the four-hour director's cut. People will cry so much they'll cry themselves to death! - Tearjerker, that's impossible! - Is it? Tell that to the critics' screening! The film is opening on all over the world in just a few minutes. With all the crap I'm releasing against it, people will have no choice but to see Oscar Gold. And then they will cry and die. Pie? You can't have any. I'm away! Is there anything more terrifying than a hovering blimp? Tearjerker, you can't do this. You'll kill millions. Correction. Millions and two. Because you will also be viewing the film right after Coca-Cola's Movie Quiz. People worldwide are already crying hysterically. Your fiendish plan is working perfectly. Well, this is it. We're gonna cry to death! No, no! Don't hug him, Oscar! He's Hermann Göring! - Stan? - Yes, Sexpun? - My answer is yes. - Yes to what? To your marriage proposal. If I die, I want to die Mrs. Stan Smith. Wait! Sexpun, do you still have that ring I gave you? - Yes. - I just remembered S. Gave me that ring! Quick! Put it on! - Great work, Sexpun. - Stan, we have to stop Tearjerker. What? Right. Look, there's no way to stop the film. So we need to find something that the world wants to watch more than Oscar Gold. Wait! Who is that? Is that Adrien Brody and Halle Berry? He's keeping robots in his dungeon? No, it's really them. Tearjerker kept a few celebrities alive to do blow with. Stan? Stan? Ho! What's Halle Berry holding? Oh, my God! I've got an idea! Sexpun, get those celebrities up here right away. Um, Tearjerker, something's wrong. Why is everyone leaving? Why aren't they staying and dying? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Smith! He found the one thing people want to see more than a Holocaust movie about a mentally retarded boy with a cancer-riddled puppy! Celebrity babies! They're all going home to see them online! That's nice, guys. Okay, Matt Damon and Lucy Liu, you're next. Oh, look at the little guy. Its dad's A-list and its mom's B-list. So it's a B-plus right off the bat. No-o-o! This isn't over, Smith. Tears, drop! Really? You'll never catch me! Just climbed right up the ropes, didn't you? I told the contractor retractable ropes because I foresaw this very situation. I tell you, when I build my next lair, I'm gonna do a lot of things differently. More quicksand, more death beams, and a bench in the shower. 'Cause sometimes I like to sit down. Face it, Tearjerker. You've jerked your last tear. You think so? Well, guess again! I'll be back, Mr. Smith. I've written another film. And it's even sadder than Oscar Gold. It's six hours of a baby chimp trying to revive its dead mother. Mike, you're the worst contractor ever! I love you, Stan Smith. And I love you, Sexpun Smith. Oh, my God! You really are a virgin. What? That's not good? No. It's awful.
 * 1) Still rock in America # - # Oh, yeah-## - Dang, no tunes! Whoops.

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