My Fair Goalie

Part I
(Scene opens up showing the Flynn-Fletcher House.)

Phineas: So, Ferb your cousins from England are here visiting.

Ferb: (Nods)

Phineas: No, I mean your cousins from England are here visiting.

Lawrence: Look, boys; it's your cousins visiting from England! They're here to see the exhibition football match between Danville and their beloved Snifferton Nostrils.

Adrian, Lucy, Eliza, Beckham, Beckham, Beckham, Pele, Pele: Ooh! Nose goal!

Lawrence: So, the Nostrils are here in the States?

Adrian: Yes, they've already landed and they're probably on the team bus even as we speak!

(Song: "Nostrils on the Bus")

Jingle Singers: Nostrils on the bus!

Lawrence: Ha! Fabulous! Anyway, Phineas, this is Uncle Adrian, Ady for short, Aunt Lucy...

Lucy: Hello!

Lawrence: ...and their kids, Beckham, Beckham, Pele, Beckham, Pele, and Eliza. Well, her middle name is Beckham.

Phineas: Hi, guys!

Adrian: (Hugs Ferb and tousles his hair) Good heavens, Ferb! What a fine young man you've grown into. (Chuckles) Good to know you, Phineas! I've hear about you all the time.

Lawrence: Oh! So you have reading my newsletter?

Adrian: Oh, heavens no. I read Ferb's blog.

Lawrence: Well, at least you've learned to read.

Adrian: Ouch!

Lawrence: Why don't we go inside and continue our good natured sibling rivalry there.

Adrian: Yes, that way you won't be humiliated in front of the children.

Linda: Oh, sibling rivalry is so attractive.

Lucy: Ady has such a healthy competitive spirit.

Linda: Eliza, honey, why don't you come along. Candace is up in her room.

(Scene switches to the backyard)

Beckham (blond): So cousin Ferb, you've lived in America longer than you lived in England.

Beckham (half-moon glasses): You haven't gone Yank on us, have you?

Phineas: Oh, don't worry, guys. Ferb is as British as ever!

Isabella: Hi guys. Whatcha doin'?

Phineas: Oh, hi, Isabella.

Baljeet: Hello, everyone. I was just cleaning my room and I thought I would return some of the things Ferb lent me. Your cowboy hat, your baseball mitt, your banjo CDs, your American flag unitard, oh, and here is your bald eagle. (Gives all the things in order and when Baljeet says bald eagle, it flies away) Oh, and Phineas, here is your sack.

Phineas: Awesome! Come to papa! (receives the sack)

Beckham (blond): Oh, yes. Very British.

Buford: What's going on?

Phineas: Oh, it's silly. Ferb's cousins think Ferb has lost his Britishness.

Buford: Ferb's British?

Beckham (blond): Apparently not. I bet you don't even play football anymore.

(Scene zooms to the football Beckham is holding, playing horrible music)

Buford: You dweebs, that's a soccer ball. This is a football!

(Scene zooms to the other football Buford is holding, playing the music again)

Phineas: Actually, there's no one who loves soccer more than my brother Ferb! Ferb got all of us into playing, and we've gotten pretty good if I do say so myself. But Ferb, he's the real master.

Isabella: Yeah, I once saw Ferb playing an entire game of soccer using a pumpkin! And he didn't even break it! To this day, his motivation for doing so remains shrouded in mystery.

Beckham (blond): Well, if you are all such crackin' footballers, then we challenge you and your friends to a football match.

(While saying this, he passes the ball to his brothers and the brown-haired Pele kicks the ball to Ferb, and the scene zooms to Ferb's eyes playing the same terrible music.)

Beckham (blond): So what do you say? Playground rules?

Phineas: How about Football X-7 rules?

(Scene again plays the same music zooming, and the two brothers' heads go to the scene. The cousins gasp.)

Beckham (blond): Football X-7? That's only theoretical!

Phineas: Only for another couple of hours, because I know what we're gonna do today. Hey, maybe Perry wants to be on our team.

(Music plays again while it zooms in on the patch of grass the Perry was on.)

Beckham (blond): (Walks up to the patch of grass that Perry was on) Who's Perry?

(Scene switches to Perry's lair)

Major Monogram: (Coughs) I apologize, Agent P. I'm a little under the weather today. First, I was convinced that Carl got me sick, you know, that knee-jerk blame Carl thing but then, then we received this, this morning.

Doofenshmirtz: (On speaker) (Coughs) Uh...hello, Major Monogram, this is Heinz, it's 7:45 on Tuesday, I'm really sick. So, I won't be doing evil today. Anyway... (Coughs)

Major Monogram: Can you believe this? He had the nerve to call in SICK? I'm here, Carl's here. Don't you think I'd rather be at home, watching Ducky Momo? Agent P, you've got to get in there and, (Coughs) I don't know, get him better. Stop him from stopping the things from which, (Snorts) you have to stop him...for...

(Carl faints)

(Scene switches to Candace's room)

(Song: "Not as Much")

Jeremy: And that as much as you thought you needed me too

Eliza: Brilliant!

Jeremy: Thanks. Most of my favorite bands are British. I guess I'm kind of an Anglophile.

Candace: Anglophile? I thought your family is from Wisconsin. I mean, just....

Eliza: Candace, it means that he likes songs that are British.

Candace: Oh. I knew that.

Jeremy: Oh, man, I gotta get home and help my mom. I'll be back in a couple of hours.

Eliza: Splendid!

Candace: Coolness!

Jeremy: Nice to meet you, Eliza.

Eliza: And you as well, Jeremy.

Jeremy: Oh, by the way, cool accent.

Candace: Cool accent? Cool accent? He's never complimented me on my accent!

Eliza: Now, to be fair...

Candace: I'm not all Britishy and sophisticated!

Eliza: Oh, Candace, don't be silly, it's obvious Jeremy likes you just the way you are.

Candace: DON'T TALK CRAZY! You gotta teach me how to be all Anglowishy and ladylike and proper!

Eliza: But Cand...

Candace: Obviously my relationship with Jeremy depends on it! So you'll help me?

Eliza: Yeah, alright.

(Scene switches to the living room and kitchen.)

(Adrian and Lawrence holds their breath. Lawrence loses.)

Adrian: Hah! I've given you a sound thrashing I have!

Lawrence: Yes, yes, you always did have more wind than I.

Lucy: That's my Adrian. So talented.

Linda: I don't know if I would be bragging about holding my breath for 13 seconds. (Chuckles)

Lucy: Well, at least Lawrence is always so gracious in defeat. Hors-d'oeuvres, anyone?

Adrian: I'll bet I can make myself sick eating prawny puffs before you can.

Lawrence: Carnival ride sick or emergency room sick?

(Documentary video appears...)

Speaker: (Intro theme playing...) Sweaty Men Playing Games Network presents Football X-7. Theoretical speculative conjecture or not that what we just said, with the conjecture thing? Football. Sometimes called soccer, footy, association football or the beautiful game. But, in 1952 a British theoretical physicist, and football enthusiast Professor Ross Eforp, hoped to heighten the football experience by creating the most thrilling and challenging version of soccer imaginable, which still allowed the players to survive. He called it Football X-7. He proposed building an immense gyroscopic, gravity-low stadium, creating an omnidirectional pitch allowing teams to play in 3 dimensions. After several attempts to build a Football X-7 stadium ended in disaster, most scientists, engineers and defensive mid-fielders agreed that Professor Ross Eforp's ultimate football game could never become a reality. The final blow came when it was discovered that Professor Ross Eforp's name is the same spelled forwards as it was backwards, and in the highly charged anti-palindrome atmosphere in the mid-1950s Professor Ross Eforp was forced into hiding. As for Football X-7, is it possible perhaps one day someone some young dreamer with remarkable building and creative skills might just make Professor Ross Eforp's dream come true? No, not a chance, don't be ridiculous it's impossible.

(Laptop turns off)

Phineas: Impossible?! The only thing's that is impossible is impossibility. Now Ferb and I believe we figured out where Professor Eforp went wrong.

Beckham (blond): Oi. Are you actually saying you're gonna build that here?

Phineas: Yes. We are gonna do what no one has ever done before. Play the biggest, baddest, onliest game of Football X-7 ever! Now, who's with me?

Isabella: (as she, Buford, and Baljeet raise their hands) We are, of course.

Beckham (blond): Completely mad, the lot of them.

Phineas: Let's get started. Come on Ferb. We need to—Ferb? Ferb? Ferb?

(Ferb daydreams with a background of emus knowing his emu curse)

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

Doofenshmirtz: (Coughs) Perry the Platypus, what are you doing here? Did you get my mess—Is that chicken soup? (Perry gives him a look) What?

(Perry points at the If-a-Tree-Fell-In-The-Forest-Inator)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, that? Yeah I was planing to do evil today but look at me. I just don't think it's gonna happen.

(Doofenshmirtz holds up the thermometer that was in his mouth)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh man, 103? Seriously, if I was a hot tub people would be getting out of me. They'd be all like "Wow, Heinz Doofenshmirtz is way too hot. We should get out of him." Anyway, since you're here, I taped my rehearsal. I'll just play it for you. It'll be just as good. I shot this yesterday when I was feeling considerably better then.

Doofenshmirtz on TV: La, la, la, la, la. Topeka, Kansas. Topeka, Kansas. Okay. So, Perry the Platypus, I bet you're wondering why I trapped you in this soundproof capsule? Wait, (Ugh) If it's soundproof he won't be able to hear me... Oh. (Doofenshmirtz pushes a button turning it into static. The screen goes back in a split second.) For generations philosophers have asked, "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" The answer, by the way obviously is "Of course it does." I mean, duh! Right? Philosophers. Get a job thinky-boy! Now see, the question they should be asking is, "What sound does the falling tree make?" Behold! The If-a-Tree-Fell-In-The-Forest-Inator! Dun dun dun! One blast from this puppy will knock over a tree or anything else for that matter-and the sound it will make is: (Whisper) Doofenshmirtz... (Normal) I, will have eternal fame as the answer to that one philosophical question! I'm also working on a Sound-of-One-Hand-Clapping-Inator. Doo-Fen-Shmirtz. I'll CORNER the markets! And speaking of markets, I'm out of vitamins. I should really get some before they close... Eh. So I skipped my Vitamin C for a day. What's the worst thing that could happen?

Doofenshmirtz: Not one word, Perry the Platypus. You have to at least give me a chance to do my thing, okay? Good. Okay, here we go. Where is it? Here we go. (Deploys the trap on the other side of the room, nowhere near Perry) There. I trapped you.

(Perry just stares at him)

Doofenshmirtz: Okay, so what's next? I...activate my -inator, okay. Give me a head start here. (Groaning, stands up and cracks his back.) I'll get there, don't worry!

(Perry rolls his eyes)

(Scene switches to Candace's room)

(Candace is watching Phineas and Ferb build the stadium)

Candace: Oh, man. That thing is gonna be huge! I'm gonna go get my mom!

Eliza: Erm, Candace, you do know that tattling is not very ladylike.

Candace: It's not?

Eliza: Afraid not, no. I've five little brothers myself, so you can imagine the discipline it takes.

Candace: No busting?!

Eliza: You asked me to teach you how to be proper and sophisticated for Jeremy.

Candace: But- but...(Groans, then takes a deep breath.) Right. I can do this.

Eliza: Good girl. The first lesson for a lady-in-training is about posture. Honestly, I'm not quite sure why this is, but from birth, all proper ladies are warned that they must stand and sit completely vertically straight, and even the tiniest bend or deviation on one side will lead directly to a life of horror and destitution.

Candace: (Shrugging.) Makes sense.

(Song: "Lady Song")

Eliza: It's frightfully terribly hard to be a lady

There's so many Ps and Qs you have to mind

But the rewards I guarantee are rich and varied

And worth all of the effort, you will find

Your posture must be perfect

And your diction crisp and clear

Your speaking voice mellifluous and pleasing to the ear

Your legs are crossed when seated

Your toes are pointed so

Your pinkies raised while drinking

But that's not all you need to know

(Tune changes to a heavier punk sound)

You mustn't curse or spit or tattle, never gossip

A lady never scratches, sweats, or burps

She knows which knife and fork and spoon to use and when

And if soup is served it's impolite to slurp

It's always "please and thank you, sir or madam"

Never brash or loud or putting on a show

A lady is demure, reserved and proper

And that is really all you need to know!

Candace: I don't get it. What, do polite people not have bookshelves in your country?

(Scene switches to the backyard)

Phineas: Lady and gentlemen, I give you the Football X-7 stadium!

Beckham (half-moon glasses): Whoa! That's brilliant! I'm totally gobsmacked!

Phineas: Yeah, I guess I could smack a little gob myself.

Beckham (blond): Now it all comes down to the game. Are you ready?

Phineas: Well, yeah! How about you, Ferb?

(The camera pans over to the empty patch of grass where Ferb was standing, zooming in on it with the same horrible music)

Phineas: Oh no! I was afraid something like this would happen.

Isabella: What will we do?

Phineas: (At the camera) We'll be right back.

Part II
(Scene opens up showing a football field at dawn.)

Phineas: (voiceover) Ferb's soccer problem started a few months ago, right before summer began. Um, actually, that's a little early in the day. (The screen fast-forwards to early afternoon, where the kids are walking onto the field)

Phineas: (voiceover) Okay, closer. A little later than that.

(The screen fast-forwards again, this time to nighttime)

Phineas: (voiceover) Whoa, what is that, night? Back it up to about the middle of the third quarter...

(The screen rewinds to the middle of the game)

Phineas: (voiceover) Like there! Right there. Thank you. So anyway...

(Song: "Football X-7" (instrumental)

Phineas: (voiceover) We were having a great game. Ferb, as always, was in top form. Little did I know it would be Ferb's last game. Late in the second period, the other team had kicked the ball out-of-bounds, and Ferb grabbed it. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a herd of emu ran onto the field and carried off our assistant coach. Ferb simply put the ball down and walked off the field. That was it. Ferb hasn't played football since.

Beckham (half-moon glasses): I don't blame him, poor fellow. It's the Emu Curse.

Phineas: The Emu Curse?

Beckham (half-moon glasses): It goes like this: if you're holding the ball, and a herd of emus carries off your assistant coach, then you're cursed to never be on a winning team again.

Phineas: Wow. British curses are really specific.

Isabella: Well, no wonder he disappeared.

Phineas: We're gonna have to break that curse!

Beckham (blond): Good luck, mate.

Beckham (half-moon glasses): To break the Emu Curse, a boy wearing a Sunday bonnet must sing the note Eb above high C in front of the cursed one.

Phineas: Eb above high C? Whoa! Wait a second, who's got a piccolo? Buford?

Buford: Argh! One day somebody's gonna ask me for some obscure musical instrument, and it ain't gonna be there. What's gonna happen then? (Pulls out the piccolo and plays the Eb above high C)

(Scene switches to Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)

Doofenshmirtz: What is that ringing so- is that Eb above high C? Oh, for crying out loud, Perry the Platypus, really? Really? You're thwarting the ill...? (Begins hacking up a lung)

(Scene switches to the inside of the Football X-7 stadium)

Phineas: Here it is! The Football X-7 stadium! Complete with omnidirectional hover goals and observation deck/high tea room!

Beckham (blond): Wow...

Phineas: It's designed so that the ground hugs your feet, making it possible to literally walk on walls! So the goals can be scored from any angle.

Beckham (blond): Brilliant, let's play.

Phineas: I wish we could.

Isabella: Yeah. We don't have a team without Ferb.

Buford: Yeah. He was our quarterback.

Baljeet: You still do not know what game we are playing, do you?

Beckham (blond): You do realize without a full team you forfeit the match?

Phineas: Don't worry, you guys. If I know my brother, he'll come through for us!

(A twinkling chord plays, and the camera pans over to a Ferb-shaped figure in the doorway, surrounded by fog)

Phineas: Ferb?

(It is revealed to be Irving with a bucket over his head.)

Irving: Hi, guys! I brought some dry ice!

Baljeet: Aww.

Irving: Oh, and I brought Ferb, too.

Phineas, Isabella, Buford, and Baljeet: Ferb!!

Phineas: Ferb, you came to play!

Ferb: As long as my team will have me, curse and all.

Phineas: Of course we will! It's not about winning, it's about the joy of the game!

Beckham (blond): Actually, it's about winning.

(Irving blows the whistle to start the game)

(Song: "Football X-7")

Oh yeah!

In 1959

Soccer was sublime

And one man was looking for something more nifty

But Eforp's dream was way too extreme

For the palindrome-fearing people of the 50s

A number and a letter it don't get any better than

Football X-7 (X2)

Call it soccer or football or the beautiful game

But it just got a brand new name

Yeah, Football X-7

Football X-7 (X4)

Yeah!

(Scene switches to the door to the stadium)

(Candace appears wearing a pink gown, white gloves and ridiculously purple poofy hat)

Candace: (In a phony British accent) Why, Jeremy! How delightful it is to see you again!

Jeremy: Hey, Candace...you look...great?

Candace: Do come in!

Jeremy: Okay.

Candace: So, what do you think? High tea and-

Jeremy: Whoa! Cool! What're they doin'?

Candace: Some sort of silly game. As a lady, I'm not terribly interested in such foolishness. I'm much more interested in curtsying and other dainty pursuits.

Eliza: Hi, Jeremy! Doesn't Candace look lovely?

Jeremy: Yeah. I can't say I've seen better posture.

Candace: Would you care to stack books on my head?

Jeremy: No, I'm cool.

Eliza: Well, why don't you two sit and chat while I fetch tea?

Candace: That sounds divine! Shall we?

Jeremy: Of...course!

Candace: Have you noticed my extended pinkies?

Jeremy: I was just about to comment on them. They're really up there.

Candace: Why, thank you.

Jeremy: You know, it's a little unusual...here we are sitting in the very heart of a giant soccer stadium your brothers built in your yard...and you haven't once shown any desire to bust them.

Candace: Oh, dear boy, no, no. A lady never tattles. (Giggles uncertainly)

(Jeremy makes a thoughtful face)

(Scene switches to the living room)

(Lawrence and Adrian are both wearing copious amounts of shirts; apparently, Adrian is wearing more)

Lawrence: Just... one... more... oh, I can't do it! Oh, darn it.

Adrian: Ha! I'm wearing more shirts than you.

Linda: Oh, brother.

Lucy: It's hard not to root for him, isn't it?

Linda: I think I'll manage. Excuse me for a second.

Lawrence: Oh, hello, dear.

Linda: Uh, Lawrence, what's going on here? I've seen you put on more shirts than that.

Lawrence: Well, I'll let you in on a little secret: I let him win all these contests; look how happy it makes him!

(Shot of Adrian and Lucy dancing and singing)

Linda: Yeah, I can see that. But, you know what, honey, as humble and gracious as you are- and I love that about you- next time, destroy him.

Lawrence: Pardon?

Linda: Smear the punk. Annihilate him. Make him cry.

(They look over at Adrian and Lucy)

Lucy: You're awesome, he's not, you're awesome, he's not...

Lawrence: (Under his breath) Got it. (At Adrian) Oh, hey, Ady, how about one last little event? Keepy-Uppy?

Adrian: Keepy-Uppy? Are you mad? I have never lost a game of Keepy-Uppy in my life.

Lawrence: Well, you won't mind humoring me then.

(Scene switches to Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)

(Doofenshmirtz is still attempting to activate the -inator)

Doofenshmirtz: (Coughing) I'm going to... (Continues coughing) activate my... (Loses his balance, grabs onto the -inator, continues coughing) you know the rest.

(-Inator activates and fires at Perry. He rolls out of the way, instead hitting a tall machine behind him)

Machine: (Whisper) Doofenshmirtz...

Doofenshmirtz: Whoa...check it out, Perry the Platypus, I...I'm totally beating you inadvertently. (Pushes button, -inator starts to spin) And when I say inadvertently, I... I mean completely vertently...ha ha...you know, fighting you makes me feel a little better. It's a... it's a good feeling. (Climbs onto spinning -inator) Like a comfy old sweater or something...like an old friend. Yes... (-inator fires) like a comfy old big woolen friend named Joy C. Terrific from the hinterlands... I'm literally just blathering now.

(Perry runs into the men's restroom)

(Scene switches to the Nostrils team bus)

Nostrils on the Bus!

(A stray beam from the -inator hits a tree, blocking the road)

Tree: (Whisper) Doofenshmirtz...

Nostril #3: Did that tree just say "Doofenshmirtz"?

Nostril #8: I think we've been on this bus too long!

Bus Driver: Hang on, lads, we're taking a detour.

(The Nostrils fans are waiting for them in the road.)

Nostrils Fans: Nostrils! Nostrils! Nostrils! Nostrils!

Nostrils Fan #1: Hey, wait, where're they goin'?

Nostrils Fan #2: I made them a crumpet!

Nostrils Fan #3: Oh, is that what that is.

Nostrils Fan #1: Follow 'em!

(Scene switches to Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)

(More beams are randomly shooting out of the -inator.)

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah...that really feels good...

(Doofenshmirtz slips off the -inator, falling down the stairs attached to it, and lands on the floor near the -inator.)

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, I'll have more cake...(falls asleep)

(Perry is holding an enormous bathroom mirror, which he aims at the -inator. It backfires on itself, breaking apart in the process.)

-Inator: (whisper) ...ztrimhsnefooD

(Perry removes his fedora, takes out a blanket)

Doofenshmirtz: (mumbles) ...so evil...

(Perry covers Doofenshmirtz with it, leaving him to sleep on the floor.)

(Scene switches to the front yard, where Adrian and Lawrence are playing Keepy-Uppy.)

Adrian: Come on, Lawrence, give it up. I've won at everything since we were kids!

Lawrence: Oh yeah? Watch this!

Linda: Lawrence, stop showing off, or you're gonna blow it.

Lawrence: Don't worry, darling, I've got the...(kicks the` ball far too high) oh, whoops.

Adrian: Well, Lawrence, it looks like you've lost again.

Lawrence: Yes, it does look that way, doesn't it? (the ball comes back down, he continues playing Keepy-Uppy) However, looks can be deceiving.

(Scene switches to the Nostrils team bus)

Nostrils on the bus!

Nostril #8: Is it my imagination, or is that a Football X-7 stadium?

Nostril #3: It's your imagination. That's just a mailbox. But there is one on this side of the bus.

(The Nostrils stare at it as they pass by.)

(Scene switches to inside the stadium...)

Jeremy: Candace...I can't help but notice your...accent there.

Candace: Why, yes. Do you like it? I thought an Anglophile such as yourself might appreciate the soothing lilt of the Queen's English.

Jeremy: An Anglophile such as myself? (he realizes what she is referring to) Oh, ha! I get it. Well...yes. I could listen to you speak like that all day.

Candace: Really?

Jeremy: I like it so much better than how you were...before.

Candace: You do?

Jeremy: Of course. I'm so glad you finally decided to change everything about yourself.

Candace: What?! You didn't like how I was before?

Jeremy: But isn't that why you changed? So I would like you better?

Candace: Well, yeah...but...this isn't really...oh, wait. You're totally messing with me.

Jeremy: Yes, I am totally messing with you. Now, would you please knock off the phony British stuff and go back to being my girl?

Candace: You got it, bub.

Eliza: (carrying tea) So, how are we doing over here?

Candace: Turns out Jeremy liked me how I was before.

Eliza: Shocker.

Candace: Now if you two will excuse me, I've got some brothers to bust.

Jeremy: There's my girl.

Candace: Phineas and Ferb! You are soooo busted! Well, I don't need this goofy thing anymore. (tosses her huge poofy hat out the window)

Baljeet: Pass me the ball! (Candace's hat lands on his head, he cannot see. The ball hits him right in the crotch, and he whines:)

Pele (tallest one): Ooh.

Isabella: Ooh!

Buford: Ha ha!

Phineas: Ferb! The Eb above high C! From a boy in a Sunday bonnet! The curse! It's broken! We can actually win this thing! Pass it to Ferb, pass it to Ferb!

Baljeet: OHHH! I am kind of in the middle of something here!

Isabella: I got it!

(She passes the ball to Ferb, who performs a spectacular kick)

Beckham (blond): No!

Phineas: Yes!

Beckham (square glasses): Run!

(The ball does not make it into the goal.)

Beckham (half-moon glasses): Ha, it missed the goal by a mile.

(The timer runs out.)

Phineas: What happened? I guess the curse wasn't broken.

Ferb: No, it's broken. Sometimes, you just miss!

(The Nostrils enter through the doorway.)

Nostril #8: Hello!

Beckhams/Peles: It's the Snifferton Nostrils! Ooh! Nose goal!

Nostril #8: What a beautiful kick!

Phineas: But he missed the goal!

Nostril #8: It's not whether you score the goal. It's how good you look while kicking the ball.

Nostril in Jacket: Actually, it is about making goals.

(Scene switches to the front yard)

Lawrence: (still playing Keepy-Uppy) I'm awesome, you're not, I'm awesome, you're not...

Candace: Mom! Mom!

Linda: Shh! Just a second, Candace. Your father's doing his victory dance!

(Scene switches to outside the stadium...)

Nostril #8: So you're just gonna give us this Football X-7 stadium?

Phineas: Sure! We do that kind of thing all the time!

Baljeet: Yes! Once they gave a monster truck arena to Buck Buckerson!

Nostril in Jacket: Was that you?

Nostril #8: Thank you, Phineas, that's very generous of you. (to all of the Nostrils fans in the driveway) Hey, everyone!

Nostrils fans: Yes, Nostrils?

Nostril #8: See this thing?

Nostrils fans: Do you mean the Football X-7 stadium?

Nostril #8: Would you all help us load this on the bus?

Nostrils fans: We would all like that very much, what you just said.

(Lawrence is still doing the victory dance in the front yard as the Nostrils Fans load the Football X-7 stadium onto the bus)

(Scene switches to the backyard)

Professor E Forp: (removes a bag from his head) Is that a Football X-7 stadium? I knew it could be done! Professor Ross E Forp can finally come out of hiding!

Johnny: Mummy, that man's name is a palindrome.

Johnny's Mother: Look away, Johnny, look away.

Nostril #8: Man, you can get these fans to do anything. Thanks again, Phineas and Ferb!

Nostrils on the bus!

(The bus drives away, and the fans follow it)

(Scene switches to the front yard)

Candace: You see, Mom?!... (then, upset) Absolutely nothing. Oh, I am thinking some very unladylike things right now.

Jeremy and Eliza: That's our girl!

End Credits
Beckham (blond): Oi, Cousin Ferb, we're dreadfully sorry for giving you such a hard time. You're an brilliant footballer, an all-around good chap and a Brit through and through.

Ferb: Actually lads, I'm not a Brit or a Yank. I'm just Ferb.

(Song: "Nostrils on the Bus")

Jingle Singers: Nostrils on the bus!

Nostril #3: It's not public transport

It's a sports-themed charter

Nostrils: Association football

Nostril #3: Nobody's rockin' harder

When you think about it

All you need to know about us is that

Nostrils: We are the Nostrils

Nostrils & Driver: And we're on this bus!

Jingle Singers: Nostrils on the bus!