Fire Sale

Fire Sale

Submitted by Sanchez

(A shot of the outside of a large building of ice surrounded by stalagmites and stalagtites and numerous rows of blocks should be taken where there sits a throne of ice and a wall protruding from the other walls with many reflections of a certain conceited Koopaling standing in front of a red-shelled Koopa Troopa as Kootie Pie Koopa speaks...)

Kootie Pie: The thing I love most about my new palace is that all these lovely ice mirrors let me see myself everywhere I look! What I don't like about my ice palace is THAT IT'S FREEZING! (shivers) I am so cold I have ice on my feet! I'm turning blue, and I hate that! You'd better do something about it before I LOSE MY TEMPER! (she begins jumping up and down on the Troopa) I WANNA BE WARM! I WANT HEAT! I WANT FIRE! I WANT IT! I WANT IT! I WANT IT!

(She jumps on him a final time, sending him flying out of his shell across the room head-first into a thick wall of ice. She struggles to pull him out.)

Kootie Pie: AND, the most of all... (she gets him out, sending him back to the other side of the room) I WANT IT NOW! We're gonna go to Dome City and get Mama Fireplant and bring her back here! I am never gonna be cold again!

(Cut to scene at an indoor barbecue that Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, Princess Toadstool, and the cave people are attending.)

Luigi: Mmm, a barbecue! I can taste it already! Dino-dogs, bronto-burgers!

Mario: Mmm, stoneberry pie!

(Yoshi looks around and begins to gorge himself with the food.)

Princess: Yikes! There won't be anything left if you don't stop Yoshi from snack snatching!

Mario: Yoshi, you dinner-devouring dinobrat! Leave some for the rest of us!

Yoshi: Oh, sorry.

Luigi: Just for that my ravenous reptile, you can go see Mama Fireplant and get some fireballs to start the barbecue!

Yoshi: Ooh-cucumba! Mama Fireplant lives on the other side of the river... and I scared of water!

(Yoshi jumps under the food table and hides.)

Princess: (ducking down to see Yoshi) It's not so bad, Yoshi. You can take the bridge.

(Yoshi looks back at her, doubtful.)

(Disolve to outside Mama Fireplant's island dome. Kootie Pie and the Troopa are coming up through a drain)

Mama Fireplant: Who's that coming up through my floor? (sees the Koopas) Well, if it isn't the gruesome girl herself!

Kootie Pie: You're coming with me, you stupid sprout!

Mama Fireplant: Oh yeah? Take this, luggin skins!

(She spits fireballs at Kootie Pie.)

Kootie Pie: Aah!

(Kootie Pie falls on Troopa, who once again loses his shell.)

Koopa Troopa: Oof!

Mama Fireplant: You think you're hot? (laughs)

Kootie Pie: We'll see about that, you hot-headed water-cultural heap!

(She throws the shell at Mama Fireplant's mouth, causing her to shut up. She then begins to move her toward the drain.)

Kootie Pie: Mama, you've been putting on weight!

(Cut to outside the dome, where Yoshi stands across the river, nervous.)

Yoshi: Oh, bungabungabungshak! I hate water! Ah, I can do it!

(Yoshi puts a foot on bridge but backs off.)

Yoshi: But do I have to do it now?

Mama Fireplant: Put me down, you repulsive robbing reptile! (shows the outside again) HELP! PLANT-NAPPERS!

Yoshi: Mama Fireplant in trouble! I gotta help!

(Yoshi trips off the bridge and ends up in the water.)

Yoshi: Help!

(Yoshi notices it's only about an inch deep.)

Yoshi: I coming, Mama Fireplant.

(Inside Mama Fireplant is halfway down the drain with Kootie Pie and Troopa.)

Mama Fireplant: I'm gonna blister your behind! You're gettin me all steamed up, I mean it! You're getting me all steamed up!

(Troopa comes back and gets his shell and covers the lid to the drain pipe. Yoshi comes but he's too late.)

Yoshi: (from outside) I coming, I coming... I here! (now in doorway) But where's Mama Fireplant?

(Disolve to later on with Mario, Luigi, Princess, and Yoshi crowded around the drain, Mario trying to pull off the crate.)

Luigi: Maybe we should file a missing plant report.

Mario: Aha, mystery solved! There's a warp tube under this crate.

(Mario gets it off, knocking luigi onto a piece of ice, making him slide around and hit everybody.)

Luigi: Whoa! Yeow! Uh sorry, big brother. I slipped on that melting ice.

(Luigi points at it.)

Mario: ice?! Where'd that come from?

Luigi: Uh Mama Fireplant was defrosting her freezer?

Mario: Mama Fireplant must have been kidnapped! She would never allow ice in her dome.

Luigi: The last time I saw ice was in Ice land. Maybe the kidnappers took her there!

Princess: We must get her back, Mario. It's too cold! She'll die in Ice Land!

Yoshi: Oh, does ice means there's water?

Princess: (laughing) No, Yoshi. Ice is frozen water. It's solid.

Luigi: Are you sure this'll take us there?

Mario: Do Koopa Troopas have shells? Besides, little brother, if I wasn't sure would I do this?

(Mario grabs luigi and drops him down the drain.)

Luigi: Whoa!!!

Mario: Let's go!

(Mario jumps down after Luigi.)

Princess: Next stop, Ice Land!

(Princess follows them down, with Yoshi trailing behind them. They end up falling into an area of lifts and blocks, with solid ground miles down.)

All: Whoa!!!

(They land on a platform traveling along a line of wire.)

Mario: I'm sure glad to have something solid under my feet again!

Luigi (pointing at the wire's end): *gasp*

Mario: *gasp*

(The platform hits the end and they all fly off.)

Yoshi: Bungabungbooshka, this fun!

(Yoshi eats a cloud.)

Mario: There's another platform below us!

All: Whoa!!!

(They land on top of a floating platform, with Luigi handing on with his fingers.)

Luigi: Whoa!

Mario: Hold on, little brother! I'll give you a hand!

(Mario grabs Luigi's hands.)

Mario: You've been hitting the linguini, Luigi, huh huh huh!

(A Note From Lemmy: Contrary to what the script says, Mario actually begins complaining about Luigi's weight before he grabs his hands.)

Princess: Oh no! Paragoombas!

(They all duck as a pack of Paragoombas flies overhead. Mario accidentally loses his grip of Luigi's hand.)

Mario: That was a close one, little brother! Little brother?!

Luigi: (falling down) Mario!!!

Mario: Luigi!!!

Princess: (looking up) *gasp* Mario, the Paragoombas!

Mario: Huh huh, I'll Goomba them!

(Mario hops up to the Paragoombas and forces them away, but ends up standing on thin air.)

Mario: Well, that's that! The only problem is... huh, what now?

(Mario begins to fall.)

Mario: Ahh!!!

(Princess grabs Mario.)

Princess: I got him! *gasp*

Yoshi: (struggling to pull them up) Ooh! Whoa!

(They all fall off the platform.)

All: Aah!

(They drop into a purple pipe, which leads them to Ice Land.)

Yoshi: Whoa!!!

Mario: We gotta go back and find Luigi!

Luigi: (buried in slush) You said it, big brother!

Mario: Yeah, he'd do it for me!

Luigi: in a minute!

Mario: Luigi!

(Mario dives into the slush and retrieves him. They come up laughing and hugging.)

Luigi: What kept you?

Princess: Mario, pay attention! We've gotta find Mama Fireplant fast! It's so warm, look at all the slush! Ice lLnd is melting!

Yoshi: Oh! That means dum dee dum dum... water!

Mario: And lots of it! if Ice land melts, all of Dinosaur World will be flooded, and Mama Fireplant will be extinguished forever!

(They walk off. Disolve to ice palace where Kootie Pie is sitting on her throne, which is surrounded by fireballs. Mama Fireplant sits in a small indentation in a wall.)

Kootie Pie: Now, this is more like it!

Mama Fireplant: Listen, you lady latch lizard! If you don't take me back to Dome City, the cave people will freeze!

Kootie Pie: They can buy fireballs from me! I'll have a fire sale! I'll be rich! Now, let's have more heat, or I know what pet peeve is gonna end up in the frozen food section!

(Song Kootie Pie Rap plays.) [Lyrics added by Hip.]

Kootie Pie rap Kootie Pie rap People be cold unless they buy their fire from a creep called Kootie Pie Kootie Pie rap Kootie Pie rap She doesn't care if you freeze like ice She's one bad lady and she ain't very nice Kootie Pie rap Kootie Pie rap Kootie Pie, Kootie Pie You're such trash The two things you love are yourself and cash Kootie Pie rap Kootie Pie rap She's got me trapped Oh my oh my I gotta get away from Kootie Pie She's thinks she's got me But I think not I'm gonna make this place get really hot Kootie Pie rap Kootie Pie rap Kootie Pie

Kootie: *gasp*

(Mario, Luigi, and Princess attempt to cross over the slush to Kootie Pie, only to be stung by some Porcupo fish.)

Yoshi: They stung by porcupine fish! That mean they won't be able to move until it wears off! Bingabanga, it's all up to me to save Mama Fireplant!

(Yoshi moves across, taking heavy steps, until he comes to a stream of water.)

Yoshi: Oh no, water!

(Kootie Pie moves fearlessly across it.)

Kootie Pie: How about a swimming lesson? I hate it when PEOPLE TRY TO STEAL BACK WHAT I'VE ALREADY STOLEN!!!

(Kootie Pie moves closer, only to be stung also.)

Mama Fireplant: Uh oh, I'm seaweed. Goodbye, world! We've had a hard old time!

Yoshi: I gotta save her!

(Yoshi moves across the water to her and scoots her across the slush. She picks up Mario, Luigi, and the princess with her leaves. They escape just as an avalanche of ice falls. Next scene, at Mama Fireplant's home, where the barbecue has been relocated to.)

Mama Fireplant: All I gotta say is, it's great to be home. But I think the hottest thing in Dome City is my little dino hero. (to Yoshi, who is already eating) Honey, you can light my fire anytime.

(Princess sits, cutting into some food and suddenly thinking.)

Princess: I wonder what happend to Kootie Pie.

(Cut to Ice Land palace, where Kootie Pie is frozen in a block of ice on the throne crying. Her tears are ice.)

Kootie Pie: GET ME OUT OF HERE! IT'S FREEZING! I've never been this cold in my life! Are you listening to me? I'm turning blue again! I hate blue! I hate cold! It's not fair!!!

(A shot of the Koopa Troopa, sitting on a hammack in his boxers and sunglasses, sipping a drink and reading CRIME magazine. He looks at the camera, removes his glasses, and winks.)

The End