Hats (Momma Named Me Sheriff)

1 Take your show on the road, 'cause there's a new show in town, starring me, Sheriff. [LAUGHS.] - What? - DISPATCH: Yo, Sheriff! We got an 8-21, robbery. Dispatch, go stop that robbery. I'm playing Sheriff. Yo, how about stop playin' sheriff and be Sheriff? I'm not your damn deputy. Oh. A deputy'd be nice. But it's just so hard to find a good man. - Goodman! - Huh? Get back up there and sell these baby bottle battleaxes! No! I quit! - [LAUGHS, GRUNTS.] - Huh. Oh ride around town Stealin' and killin' is how I get down What? Well, you better be aware, son 'Cause momma named me Sheriff Momma Now you got it Momma And don't forget it Oh, no, I better go M-o-m-m-a Momma named me Sheriff, momma named me Sheriff Get the hell off of me, you evil puppy! - Stop, dad! - Look, Mrs. Pickles, dad's a deputy now! All right. Settle down, everybody. Now, give it up for the mayor with the flair! The one and only, the bread to old town's bologna Enough already! First order of business, dumb face mountain. We're sick of looking at its dumb face. - Boo! - I don't like that mountain! Pick it up and move it to another state! - Yeah! - Or put a big rug over it! ALL: Yeah! Uh, uh, Deputy Goodman here. We can't disturb that mountain. - It's - SHERIFF: Goodman. What, are you crazy? What? Get your hat back on. Nobody'll take you seriously without it. What? Uh Anyway, that mountain is an expression of nature's beauty. It should be preserved. - Boo! - Hey, what do you know?! - Ohh! - Told ya. Nothing like raw deer meat in the morning! Pancakes! Mm! Table! [MUNCHING.] Spear gun! [LAUGHS.] hey! Sheriff, Floyd ate our speargun! They should've had floyd eat that mountain. He'll eat anything. [LAUGHTER.] Aw, how we gonna catch lunch? Gloria, may I have some pie? Right away, Deputy. You see that? Your hat instills a level of authority. People take you more seriously when you wear it. Sheriff, the hat doesn't matter. - Hmph. - All right, here's your pie - Oh! - Oh, my goodness. Oops. Sorry. That was our last slice. Aw. See? She dropped the pie on purpose, 'cause she saw you without your hat. Don't be ridiculous. It was clearly an accident. Nope, it was the hat, all right. Now, put your hat on. Sheriff, the hat doesn't matter. Put your hat on. I don't need the hat. Yes, you do. Don't! Do! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Do! Do! Do! Do! Ah! Enough! Sheriff! I bet we could go all day without hats and it wouldn't even matter. And, hey, if I'm wrong, why, I'll eat my hat. - Oh! - Good idea! - [MUNCHING.] - Ah! Hey! No! Floyd! Come on, spit it out, dude! - DISPATCH: Yo, Sheriff? - Huh? We got a 4-7-2, vandalism. - Aw, Goodman? - Huh? Now, nobody's gonna take us seriously. - Uhh. - I want more of those hats. [LAUGHS.] [BOYS LAUGHING.] Uh, boys? Come down from there! Yeah, you could fall! Go vandalize something lower to the ground. No! [LAUGHS.] no! [LAUGHS.] See, Goodman? Ugh. Products for sale! I got this oven mitt, just $2. Linda, that's a cat. And you shouldn't sell it, it's dead. Definitely illegal to sell cats without a permit. Hey, give me that back! Ow! Ow! Oh! - Help! - Huh? I'm stuck in a tree! Here, jump off with this cat! They always land on their feet! Ohh! Oh! Aah! [BOYS GRUNT.] - Aah! - Oh, my SHERIFF: Oh, boy. This is all your fault, Goodman. What the? - Sheriff? - Huh? How am I supposed to flatten dumb face mountain with a tower blocking the road? Get this town in order. Huh. Order - Dispatch? - Yo, yo, yo? Order some hats. DISPATCH: Uh, could you be more specific? Dispatch, nobody's taking us seriously as officers of the law, 'cause we don't have hat anymore, - so order some. - What? How many hats is "some"? It's just me and Goodman, so it's somewhere between one and all the hats. Figure it out. Uh, one delivery of hats. All 50 million of 'em. - What?! - That's all we had. DISPATCH: I'm sayin', yo, Sheriff my little bitch. He don't do what I say, dispatch'll smack him upside his big, ugly, goofy-ass, lopsided Hey! What up, Sheriff? Is this supposed to be funny? You said, in between one and all the hats. Y'all see that? Played them fools! Herman, who are you talking to? Oh, I'm on chitchat live right now. Can't disappoint my millions of fans. What up, all of america? Yo, yo, yo, yo! Herman, return all those hats. I can't. Floyd's been out back eating 'em for like awhile, yo. Floyd?! Floyd?! [MUNCHING.] More hats! Stop eating all our hats! Whoa, he's huge. Yummy. Great, what now? I'm here to help get this situation with the hats under control. Lift him up, boys! FLOYD: Whoa! Hey! Put me down! I want more hats! Hey, what are you doing with my boy floyd? You two come with me. Ah! You've really done it now, Goodman. What? Oh. Ahh! These are the men responsible, Mr. President. The president. Cool. What's up? Uh, what is going on? Earlier today, our transmissions monitoring team forwarded us this recording. SHERIFF: Dispatch, nobody's taking us seriously as officers of the law, 'cause we don't have hat anymore. See? That guy knows about the hats, too. - That was you, Sheriff. - Oh. Well, see, I know what I'm talking about, then. Ugh. This is just some dumb theory Sheriff has. Then, Sheriff, you're gonna get what you deserve. I am? A thank you. What? If word got out about law officers and their hats, citizens might steal them to render them un-taken-seriously-able. It would be total anarchy. Ugh. You're the highest level of law enforcement and you're not wearing hats. Why take you seriously, hmm? Uh, he does have a point. Then it's time I show you both something. - Huh? - An invisible hat?! I always thought it was just my own theory, but now Sheriff's confirmed it. No wonder people take you more seriously than me. Not to worry, I made extras! [LAUGHS.] There you go. Thanks. - Thank you, sir. - My own invisible hat! Shouldn't we be focusing on the big problem at hand? The cats on the moon? What? No. Floyd? - Oh. Oh, yeah. - Oh. Right. FLOYD: [LAUGHS.] Where are we taking him? To a facility where his taste buds will be altered. Then he won't eat any more of our hats. Floyd? Check out my new invisible hat! Huh? More hats? I want more hats! [ALL SHOUTING.] FLOYD: Aah! [GRUNTING.] Aah! Sir? The fat guy is rolling across the country at an alarming speed. In 20 minutes, he'll reach Albuquerque. The entire city will be destroyed. Hey, we can use the nuke. Let's take him out. What? No. No, you can't kill Floyd. I'm sure there's a logical way we could slow him down. Maybe we could Slow him down? Brilliant. If everybody on the east coast jumped at once, it could shift the planet's axis enough to slow him to a stop. - What? That's not what I said. - Brilliant idea, Goodman. - No, that's ridiculous. - He's right. There's no way to contact that many people in time. Hey, I know. Dispatch? DISPATCH: Yo, yo? Get some people on the east coast to all jump at once. Man! You drivin' me mad-crazy, yo. You gots to be more specific. How many people is "some"? Oh, you know, somewhere between one and all the people. All right, then, Sheriff. You wanna play it this way, baby? All the people, it is. Yo, yo, yo? All my east coat people, listen up! 1, 2, 3! Jump! [FLOYD SHOUTING.] [MUSIC STOPS.] [METAL CREAKS.] Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, no. He's hurtling even faster than before. In five minutes, he'll ramp off dumb face mountain into the stratosphere. When he lands, the impact will be greater than the meteorite that killed the dinosaurs. Oh! Deputy's plan only made things worse. Why did we listen to him? Uhh Wait. Huh? He wasn't wearing his hat! Oh, we shouldn't have taken him seriously. Oh, come on. It was just a dumb idea that wasn't even mine, by the way. You've really done it now, Goodman. Caused the end of the world. Unless we do something about dumb face mountain. Pick it up and move it to another state. Put a big rug over it? Or disarm the missile, put me on it, then I'll figure it out from there? Brilliant. Yeah, let's do it. COMPUTER VOICE: Nuclear missile disarmed. Wait. [GASPS.] Looking for this? [ALL SHOUT.] My hat! Now, we can't take his plan seriously. The nuke is disarmed and the world is about to end. Only one thing left to do. Gentlemen? - Sheriff? - ALL: Huh? What are you doing? They won't take my plan seriously now, but they did before they knew I wasn't wearing a hat. You were right. The hats don't matter. What matters is good ideas. Like this one. [BUZZER SOUNDS.] Whee! [LAUGHS.] [BOTH SHOUT.] Mmm. [LAUGHS.] Floyd, open wide and hang on! [GRUNTS.] [SCREAMS.] [BOTH SCREAMING.] You taste good, Sheriff. - [SIGHS.] - [LAUGHS.] - [GROANS.] - Sheriff! - Thank goodness you're okay! - Way to go, Sheriff! And I'm glad you finally saw that you never needed your hat. Well, you'll also be glad to know that we're no longer destroying dumb face mountain. - Oh? - Not sure why, but everybody's taking it more seriously now. - Huh? - Get inside me, Sheriff! Huh. Guess you were wrong after all. [LAUGHS.] - Oh. - Sheriff? Won't you invite the president over for dinner? Yes, mama. Oh, but, Goodman, guess you gotta eat your hat. [LAUGHS.] [GROANS.] Sheriff: Mr. President Welcome to old town There's lots of things to do Like fish or walk around And there's lots of rules in old town But only one you need to know That I am the Sheriff And this is my show 1, 2, 3, 4 Sha-sha-sha, sha-show-show Na-na-na-na-na-na, my show Hoochi digaboogidigo-show Show-ma-show-ma-show- my show-show Show M-o-a-m-m-a Momma named me Sheriff, momma named me Sheriff M-momma, momma, momma named me Sheriff M-momma, momma, momma, momma named me Sheriff Momma, she named me Sheriff