Pilot (The Nanny)

Oh, honey, are you gorgeous! You look just like a virgin. Here, I brought you some crackers for your morning sickness. So, when are you and Danny gonna set a date already? Oh, you know me. Always a bridal consultant, never a bride. Right, Danny? What can I say?/Well, how 'bout, "Here's a ring. Pick a pattern. " I'm serious. We've been pre-engaged for three years already. I'm sorry. I should have said this sooner. I wanted to do it some place nice. Oh, wow! All right, here goes. I've been thinking we should start seeing other people. What? Since when you been thinking that? Since I saw Heather Biblow. I can't believe you're telling me this. What, were you stringing me along 'cause I'm your best salesgirl? That's the other thing: Heather needs a job. You're firing me? I can't believe I just wasted three years of an ever dwindling youth on you and this dump. You can't fire me, Danny Imperiale, I quit! No, you fired me That way I could collect unemployment. Hello, I'm Fran Fine, your Shades of the Orient Cosmetics representative. Oy, what a loser! Hello, I'm Fran Fine. /Yes, come in. We've been expecting you. Oh, you have? /You are here for the nanny position? I could be. Wow! This place is nicer than my Uncle Jack's condo in Boca. And, you know, he bought the model. May I present your resume to Mister Sheffield? Uh, resume? You know what, why don't you go get this Mister Sheffield and I'll do the resume presenting myself. As you wish. This oughta be good. We're never gonna find an actress for this part. Ann Miller part, Gwen Verdon part, Rube Keeler part. Away I believe. What's she doing on this list? /Relax, darling. You need a Chatzu Sorry to interrupt, sir. I see you're working hard as always, Miss Babcock. The theater always been a passion of mine. Hmm I can't wait to see what you'll be mounting next. Yes, Niles, what is it? Sir, there is a new nanny waiting to be interviewed. What happened to the old one? /Brighton staged another fake suicide. Best one yet. Spread eagle on the marble with a bit of ketchup trickling from his ears. We've got half the money people in New York coming to our backer's party, and I will not have those children running loose. Not that I don't love them as if they were my very own. Hm-hmm. /I do. Oh, oh Do you have a pen? Forget it. Brighton, you're losing your touch. I'm Maxwell Sheffield. This is my son, the late Brighton Sheffield. Wait, I know you. Esquire Magazine, New York's ten most eligible widowers? My condolences, by the way. You read Esquire? When they list the ten most eligible widowers I do. Hi, I'm Fran Fine. Well, do come in. Oh, boy, do you have gorgeous chatchkas. Uh, beg, beg your pardon? Oh, you know, your bric-a-brac. Dust collectors. Oh, the Rodan. Yes, well, he was, he was well known for his bronze chachkas. May I see your resume, please? /Oh yeah sure. Here. Crayon? /Lipstick. Of course. And what a lovely shade. I hate her! Now, Brighton, let's not be hasty. Yeah, I haven't even sung "Climb Every Mountain" yet. Miss Fine, you seem to have listed the Queen Mother as a reference? What? Let me see that. Oh no, that's not the Queen Mother. That's my mother from Queens. Hi, Daddy. /Oh, hello, sweetheart. Maggie. /Hello, Father. Oh boy, are you gorgeous. And look at that hair. You see, now you cannot get color like that from out of a bottle. No way. I'll, I'll be in my room doing my homework. Really lights up a room, doesn't she? You don't need personality when you're an heiress. So, sweetheart, how was therapy today, hmm? Any, any breakthroughs? Doctor Vern and I did some regression. She took me back to my childhood. Must have been a quick trip. Oh, you have no idea how complicated I am. Therapy, huh? It was a lot easier than talking to us directly. All right, that's it, Brighton. Go to your room. All right. Come on, Gracie, let's leave Father alone to hire someone else to take care of his problem children. Oh, you're a bitter little person, aren't you? Oh, we're gonna get along fine. I'm, I'm sorry you had to see that. I'll show you out. What did I do? One smart ass remark from the kid, and I don't get the job? That's not fair. As you can see, I need help here. More help than can be provided by a door-to-door cosmetics girl. Niles? Oh, for god sakes, I'll get it. Sheffield Residence. No, honey, it's Fran. Give, give me Give me that. It's the nanny agency Maxwell Sheffield here. Thank you. Oh, yeah, right. No. No, Monday is not acceptable. Listen, I need a nanny this weekend Do you have any experience with children? Are you kidding? I practically raised my sister's two kids when she was suing her chiropodist. There has to be another agency. Oh, please, I come from Flushing. There is nothing these kids can throw at me that I haven't seen before, except maybe their trust funds. All right, you're hired. But on a trial basis. Oh, thank you, Mister Sheffield. Thank you so much. You won't regret it. Somehow, I'm rather sure I will. Niles will show you to your room. Oh, the nanny gets to live here? /Is that a problem? Oh yeah, I'm sure I'm gonna miss being twenty-nine and still living at home with my parents. But if it's best for the kids Twenty-nine. /Don't start with me, Niles. Good morning, everyone. Oh, that Jacuzzi tub really knows how to perk a girl up in the morning. Do you people sleep like that? No. In a rather astounding coincident, I sleep in a pair of pink fuzzy slippers, just like yours. A simple "we dress for breakfast" would suffice. You have to tell me these things, Niles. /I simply assumed. Don't assume anything with me. I'm from Flushing, for god sakes. Oh, I just love a good buffet. It's free, Miss Fine. You're allowed to go back. Oh Oh, where do I sit? The previous nanny sat in the kitchen. Oh, how anti-social. So, kids, what shall we do today? Shall we take a walk in the park or maybe just kick back, hang around the mansion? We have to go somewhere. Father has kicked us out again. Now, Brighton, I didn't kick you out. I merely asked that you not torment the caterers while they're preparing for this evening's soiree. Oh, a soiree, huh? Well, I got a sister who's a caterer. She does a pork au depurno, that's French for pork and prune, not only delicious, but a natural digestive. Thank you for sharing that, Miss Fine. I could get you a deal. No, that's all right. C. C. 's made all the arrangements. C. C. ? What's a C. C. ? Father's lady friend. Maggie dear, she's a business associate. Hm-hmm. Well, I just hope there's enough food. You know, shikzas are notorious for not ordering enough food. Booze, yes, but food they don't know from. Shikza Is that a chatchka? Yes, but they cost a lot more. It's Miss Babcock for you, sir. /Oh, thank you, Niles. I'll take her in the library. Hmm Miss Babcock loves to be taken in the library. I'll bet. So, kids, we're having a party. What are we gonna wear? We're not invited. /And neither are you. Oh come on, your father's paying for it, of course we're invited. We'll eat, we'll drink, you'll bring a date. Maggie doesn't date. Never?/Boys haven't noticed me yet. Oh, they've noticed Maggie, and that's why you don't date. What is wrong with you, Brighton? Middle child syndrome. /	Thank you, Sybil! Now knock it off! Knock it off, all of you. We're a family here. Now we have a party tonight, there's a lot we have to do. We'll go shopping, get our hair done, get a manicure. You'll get a French tip. It's a very clean look. So I'll go get changed, and then we'll go, we'll do. I'll just take this. I hate to waste. Dad is gonna hate this. C. C. 's going to totally freak. Sounds like a party to me. So, well, what's your favorite color? I don't know. Beige? Oy. So, Gracie, how are you doing, honey? I'm feeling empty and alone. You want a tic-tac?/Okay. All right. So tell me about your new job already. Who's the guy? Where's the house? I brought pictures. Wait. Here. /Ahh That's my boss. Cute, huh? A little repressed though. But what a head of hair. /And it's all his. Oh, that's the butler, Niles. /A butler? Oh it's very classy. /Val, it's like living at Ceasar's Palace. And the kids. Yeah, well, you know, they're gonna need the most work. I mean, that one's got no personality. This one's got multiple personality. And Brighton Brighton? Where's Brighton? Are these dummies anatomically correct? Why are you there? You're ten years old; would you be normal? All right. Oh, cool, a cockroach! Hey, you got any rats? Wait till Danny gets back. Where is he, anyway? Getting his back waxed. Oh good, so we got all day. Okay, well, we gotta make Maggie beautiful. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. /Shut-up, Brighton. Hey, be nicer to your sister. /Why? Because we're a family? Yes, that's right. And someday, your father's gonna be old and sick. You're gonna want him to live with her. It's so fancy. Everyone'll look at me. So? They'll think you're a beautiful girl. I, I don't know. I'm not good at this like you are. Honey, that's what I'm here for. What d' you think? You turn fourteen and boom, you've got the savoir-faire and sophistication of a woman of my years and experience? Look, when I was fourteen Go try it on. Who knew this job would be so demanding? Please, I'm exhausted. Has anyone told you how handsome you look this evening? Maxwell, you're such a flirt. It's going rather well, don't you think? Oh, it's perfect. The food is exquisite. The music divine. And the guests obscenely wealthy. Doesn't Ivana look marvelous? My surgeon, of course. Miss Fine would like a word with you, sir. Oh, really? Where is she? I'm up here. What's that? That's the nanny. Hey, hey, the lady in red. The place is all crazy for the lady in red. Look at that dress. Maxwell! You look nice, too. I said that. Handsome. You said handsome. You like? I borrowed it from my cousin, Miss Long Island Nineteen-Eighty-nine. A very good year. Oh I just wanted to tell you the children are ready. For what?/To come to the party. Miss Fine, the children are not invited to the party. They're not? Oh, is my face red? Well, now it matches the rest of you. Oh, there's that rapier wit we've come to count on. Yes, well, now we've all met each other, why don't you go back upstairs and inform the children they can't come. Hi, Daddy. Oh, Miss Fine, you play dirty. Hello, sweetheart. You like my party dress? Lohemanns, seventy percent off. She'll never shop retail again. Hi, Dad. Surprised? /No tricks, Brighton. Best behavior. All right. Come on, Maggie. Don't be shy, honey. My God, I had no idea how much she looked like her mother. You like it? Oh, you look so, so grown-up. So, Daddy, can we come to the party? Of course you can. We'll discuss this later. Friends, friends, can I have your attention, please? Before I tell you a little about my latest production, I'd like to introduce to you the three greatest productions of my life my dear children. Oh, isn't that sweet? Couldn't you just drop dead? I don't know. Could you? Let me take a picture. Miss Fine, I think you've done enough. And if I Lovely family, Sheffield. Smile, everyone. Great! You might want to keep a low profile. You're a little out of your element here. Oh, don't worry about me. I've been to my share of affairs. My Uncle Jack threw a weekend bar mitzvah with a Star Trek theme that they're still talking about. Goodnight, Ivana. Don't worry, honey, you'll find someone else, too. Niles, more. Well, do I count four zeros on this check? All right, I'll admit it. Having the children here this evening wasn't the complete disaster it might have been. Oh, Mister Sheffield, you gush. All right, all right, it went splendidly. Here, let me put that, thank you, with the others. Well, congratulations, Nanny Fine. It seems you've pulled it off. Well, what could possibly go wrong when you put a father together with his children? **************** Maggie!/Daddy! Mister Sheffield, I was just /You were just leaving. Right. Eddie, wait! /Maggie! Maggie, come back here! /Eddie! Maggie How could you embarrass me like that? Well, what's going on? That, that boy was mauling her on the balcony. It was just a kiss. He kissed you? Your first kiss; that's so exciting. Let me get the camera. Miss Fine, it is not exciting. It's appalling. She's just a child. I am not. /She's not, you know. I think I'm starting to feel better. Dad, I'm fourteen years old. You know, when I was fourteen Oh, maybe this isn't the right time. Maggie, go to bed and, and take that makeup off. Oh You!/Me? Yes, you. This wouldn't have happened without you. Yes, definitely feeling better. /What the hell did I do? What did you do? You took an innocent school girl, you dolled her up and turned her into a/A young woman. She's just a little girl. Get out of here. She's a woman, I'm telling you. And unless you're gonna dip her in bronze and stick her on the shelf with the rest of your collectibles, she is going to grow up and somebody's gotta help her. Oh, you are way out of line. She's not your child. That's right, she's not. If she was, she wouldn't be upstairs crying right now on what should be a very memorable and exciting evening. Thank you for your candor and concern. You're welcome. You're fired. Fired? After all that I've done for you, this is the thanks that I get? You can't fire me, Maxwell Sheffield, I quit! No, you fired me. That way I could collect unemployment. I drove Miss Babcock home and called Betty Ford. They'll pick her up in the morning. Thank you, Niles. I noticed you didn't get a chance to eat, sir. I thought you might be a bit peckish. I over-reacted, didn't I? Like Reagan in Grenada. It's just that Maggie looked so like her mother. I've already lost Sarah, I I didn't want to lose my little girl. I quite understand, sir What is this? I believe Miss Fine calls it a light nosh. It's delicious. Miss Fine, eh? Yes, sir. Just what you needed. Niles, you're not talking about the sandwich, are you? No, sir. Not the sandwich. Fran, you need a mallowmar? Oh no, Ma. Food's not the answer to everything. Meanwhile, your father and I have based our entire relationship around food. Passion goes, sex goes. Communication, we never had. But food is forever. /Okay. Marty You want another mallowmar? Marty? Ma, Daddy can't hear you. He's watching the game. Why can't I find a guy like him? Deaf and on a pension. You will. I'll get it. I'll get it Oh god, Ma, it's Mister Sheffield. I'm sorry to disturb you, Miss Fine. I just wanted to drop off the rest of your things. You could never disturb anyone, darling. I'm Fran's mother, Sylvia. Maxwell Sheffield. Come on in. I'll make you some Ovaltine. Oh, well, I'm sure I'd love some, but I really can't stay. There's a mob surrounding the limousine. Oh, I'll take care of that. Wait a minute here. Get away from that limo! Nobody died! There's no vacancies! Oh, it's, it's dog eat dog when you got a two bedroom that's rent control. Have a seat. Here, wait. Put on some blush. Ma, can we have a little privacy? All right, I can take a hint. Mister Sheffield, enchante. You have plastic on your furniture. Yeah, they're preserving it for the afterlife. How's Maggie? Well, she isn't speaking to me, but Brighton tells me she's fine. Brighton? Yes. He's been surprisingly attentive to her. Wouldn't tell me why. Kept saying something about me getting old and where I'd live. Kids. I'm sorry things didn't work out. Oh, look, I mean, uh, you and I, we come from very different worlds. I mean, if I were you and I hired me, I'd be thrilled. Who's kidding who? Yes, but you're not me. As a matter of fact, you're not like anyone else I've ever met. Which is not altogether a bad thing. Necessarily. Perhaps if we tried to respect each other's differences, we could give it another go? Are you asking me to come back? So it seems. So what you're really saying is you feel terrible about this whole damn thing, and if you could, you'd get down on your hands and knees and apologize. Miss Fine! /Apology accepted. Ma, pack my things! He wants me back! Smile.