Local Zero

Local Zero is the eighth episode of the British sitcom Peep Show. It originally aired on November 26, 2004. Lines in parentheses represent internal monologues spoken by the characters via voice-over.

 

[In Jez’s bedroom, Jez and Nancy are cuddling in bed]

Jez: God, you're great.

Nancy: Thanks, Jez. You're great, too.

Jez: Sometimes, I'd like to die and climb inside you.

Nancy: Ok.

Jez: (Was that too much? No. Go on, ask her.) Nancy, I was wondering whether you'd consider being, maybe, my proper, you know, just-you-and-me, girlfriend.

Nancy: Wow. Um I don't know. I mean, that's really nice, Jeremy, but—

Jez: (There's always a "but".)

Nancy: We're so different. I've got my religion, my yogacize, my charity stuff. I just don't know where you'd fit in as a boyfriend.

Jez: But I really like you and we have a great time together.

Nancy: Well, I really like you too, and we do have a good time together, but—

Jez: (That's the second "but".)

Nancy: What about all the other stuff?

Jez: Other stuff?

Nancy: Look, obviously, God wanted us to enjoy ourselves. I mean, that's why he invented pills, and clubs, and lube and hardcore. But he also wanted us to give something back. And that's why he created the homeless, the lepers and the oil spills.

Jez: (God, suck up to God.) Nancy, listen. The only reason that I don't go to church is that, for me, everything's a church. This room is my church. The hall is my church. Cost Cutter's is a bloody cathedral.

Nancy: That's really nice, Jeremy. It's just not true, is it?

 

[At JLB Credit, Mark walks down a dimly lit hallway through the office.]

Mark: (End of quarter sales push. Pulling an all-nighter. One of the few in my Spitfire. Who am I kidding? I probably would have crashed my training plane during the Phony War.) [Mark spots Jeff and Sophie flirtatiously talking together in the file room] (Uh-oh, bollocks! Giggling, sharing. Shall I intervene? No. It's fine, it's totally fine. Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see. lf she fucks him, I'll kill myself.)

 

[A security officer opens the door of the security office to see Mark at his doorway.]

Mark: All right there, mate?

Security officer #1: Hi.

Mark: Hobnobs. Thought you might like some, mate. You know, pulling an all-nighter, we're all in it together, mate.

Security officer #1: Right.

Mark: (Hope this works.)

Security officer #1: Well, that's nice. Do you want to come in?

Mark: (Heh, mate! The magic code word. Instant rapport with taxi drivers, builders and garage men.) Blimey, mate. Look at all these TVs. You can see it all from in here, can't you?

Security officer #1: Yep. So, uh, what's your name, pal?

Mark: (Pal? Is he a pal person?) Mark, pal.

Security officer #1: Ah, Terry. Mark here's brought us some biscuits.

Security officer #2: Cheers, mate.

Mark: (Now we're back to mate! This is a nightmare.) No problem, mate, pal. So, I bet I can see my mates from up here, yeah? Oh, yeah, look, there they are, laughing away like a pair of bloody idiots at absolutely nothing.

Security officer #1: Your mate's getting fresh, is he?

Mark: (Oh, God! Oh, God! No!)

Security officer #1: Hey, Ter, get me a tape.

Mark: (Don't tape it, stop it! Charge up your tasers.)

Security officer #1: Ooh, look at that!

Mark: That is hilarious.

Security officer #2: Tell you what, he can give her one from me!

Security officer #1: And me.

Mark: Ha-ha. Brilliant.

 

[Outdoors at night, Jeremy is handing out bread to homeless people going through a soup line.]

Jez: (God, I'm good. It's a Saturday night and I'm doing good. Come on, give us a smile! You don't know I'm here with an ulterior motive!

Nancy: Jeremy!

Jez: Nancy!

Nancy: Since when were you involved with street work?

Jez: Since forever. Bloody hell, this is amazing! I had no idea you were into this stuff, too!

Nancy: Really? I'm pretty sure I mentioned it.

Jez: No, I don't think you did, because if you had, I'd have mentioned it too.

Nancy: Right.

Jez: Yeah, I love hobos. Always have, always will. And they're a great bunch down here, the Jesus Cave Crew.

Nancy: Yeah. Although, don't you think sometimes they can be a bit patronizing? It’s like, "Sorry we're out of soup and bread, but this is lucky, we have lots and lots of wine and tiny little wafers!"

Jez: Yeah, that is so whack! I mean Jesus fed a multitude of followers with just five loaves and two fishes. Matthew, chapter 14.

Homeless man: Nancy!

Nancy: See you later, honey.

Jez: Later, baby! (Mmm, I'll probably get to bone her later.) Cheer up, Beardie! Everything's coming up roses!

 

[At Mark and Jez’s flat, Jez and Nancy sit on the sofa watching tv, with Mark seated in a chair nearby.]

Jez: Another cup of tea, girlfriend?

Nancy: I'm good, thanks. Boyfriend.

Mark: [watching surveillance video from JLB Credit] Ah! This is the worst bit. I hate this bit. This is the worst bit.

Jez: Come on, mate. There's no point torturing yourself.

Mark: It's not torture, it's research! Besides, I have a right to torture myself if I want to. What are you going to do? Call Amnesty? See? That! That's the push! She can't get away. He's some sort of animal. Did you see the push, Jeremy?

Jez: Yeah, sure, that looked terrible.

Mark: Looks like a one-off, though, doesn't it? A crazy flash in the pan. Don't you think? I mean, Nancy, you're her friend. Give me your analysis. I mean, did she tell you what happened, after?

Nancy: Well apparently, he took her to the bathroom for a little bit of [whistle] but Sophie was totally not into it.

Mark: Oh.

Nancy: So they went back to his place, they made out for hours and she jerked him off.

Mark: Oh.

Nancy: But then he went away and he hasn't called and she's really pissed off about it.

Mark: Oh! Brilliant.

 

[At JLB Credit, Alan Johnson addresses a group of employees seated at a conference table]

Johnson: And our ambition should be to kill clients. I mean actually kill them. With our levels of service. So they're dead.

Mark: [seeing Jeff whispering to Sophie] (She's not going to smile, Jeff. You can't laugh at someone you don't trust. It's like Mum singing the lumberjack song after she had her affair.)

Johnson: So, Aberdeen. I need a couple of experienced credit managers up there for ten days on-site personnel training. I was thinking Sophie and Jeff.

Mark: (No, no, no! Ten days! He can wheedle his way back in in ten days!)

Johnson: So, unless anyone else has any thoughts, let's wrap up and have a couple of frapuccinos.

Mark: Yes, I have a thought.

Johnson: Uh-huh.

Mark: I very much don't think it's a good idea.

Johnson: Oh, ok. And why is that?

Mark: It's just a hunch, ok? And I always trust my hunches.

Jeff: Thanks, Columbo.

Mark: And, plus, Jeff doesn't have much experience. The 2003 Scottish Consumer Directive, for example.

Jeff: I really don't think that affects us, Alan.

Mark: Oh, it doesn't affect us that during the first phone contact we're obliged to set out, without abbreviation, the terms of a standard repayment plan? (I've shot you, Jeff, with a bullet made of Scottish finance regulations!)

Johnson: So, Mark, would you be prepared to go up there with Sophie if that's the way things panned out?

Mark: Yeah, Alan, I suppose I could probably make that. (Even if I have to cut off all my limbs and crawl to Aberdeen on my tongue.)

 

[At a mini-golf course, Jez and Mark look on from beyond a fence as Jeff and Sophie play a round.]

Mark: I can't believe he's wormed his way back in.

Jez: Yeah. Well, his mum was really ill, apparently. That's why he didn't call Sophie.

Mark: Bastard! Perfect alibi. Still, thanks for that heads up on the date, mate. Great to be able to monitor. And if anyone asks, we're just having a lovely innocent picnic!

Jez: Oops. Looks like he's having a bit of trouble with the Humpty. Keeps rolling on out.

Mark: Brilliant. Although, apparently, she finds that amusing. They're laughing, Jez! They're having a good time! (Got to stop it. Throw a snack. Hit him on the head. No. Get them to film it. Build up a library of taped evidence. Right, evidence that I'm an obsessive voyeur.)

 

[At Mark and Jez’s flat, Nancy and Jez sit on the sofa watching tv, with Mark seated in a chair nearby.]

Nancy: Bad news, bad news, bad news. Jesus, Jeremy, one bus crash! What about all the buses that made it safely to their destination?

Jez: Yeah. Yeah, this is such bullshit.

Mark: Yes, I suppose the news should be a dispassionate list of all the events that have occurred the world over during the day. That would be good. Except, of course, it would take forever! [sees that the tv is showing footage of him drinking outside the mini golf park] That's -- that's -- that's our picnic! You can't see the kettle chips.

Jez: Ha-ha-ha! Bloody hell!

Nancy: Whose business is it where you do your drinking?

Mark: I wasn't drinking, I was having a picnic! [phone rings, Mark answers] Hello? Mum, we were having a picnic. Tell Dad it was a picnic. You can't see the crisps! We had three different flavors of crisps! Explain to him. And Scotch eggs! Yeah, no, really, I'm -- I'm fine. Listen, I've got to go. Cock knobs!

Nancy: Mark, don't worry. These things, they happen for a reason. It might not seem like there's a plan, but there is a plan.

Mark: Oh, right. You believe in a god, do you?

Nancy: Yes, I do. And you might find it a comfort at a time when—

Mark: Nancy, there's no evidence for God, whereas Ofcom has published guidelines.

Nancy: So does God. It's called the Bible.

Mark: Oh, yes, the Bible. And I wonder what the Bible's view is on you doing it in the shower and the garden center and up the bum. I mean, that's all right, is it, that's in the Bible? Or do you think maybe that's not in the Bible?

Jez: Mark! I'm sure it is in the Bible, somewhere. Probably in Corinthians. There's a load of weird shit in there.

 

[At JLB Credit, Marks walks down the hall, noticing his co-workers looking at him.]

Mark: (Are they staring? They're all staring at the drunk off the news. Yeah, well, fuck them! Me and Sophie are going to Aberdeen. I'll make everything all right in Aberdeen. They're probably not even staring. Just being paranoid, as usual.) [sees that someone has placed beers on his desk] (Oh, fuck!) All right. Ha-ha. Very funny. Yeah, I can take a joke as well as anyone else, but, if there are any more jokes, I'm taking it to a fucking industrial tribunal, ok?

Johnson: Mark. Can I have a word?

Mark: Let me explain. It was a picnic. I'm currently speaking to Ofcom.

Johnson: Right.

Mark: I mean, we had three flavors of crisps!

Johnson: Sure.

Mark: Good. Well, I'm glad you understand.

Johnson: Oh, I understand. Totally. Mark, listen. I've been there. I've been to the bottom of the bottle and back to the top.

Mark: No, Alan, I—

Johnson: We're kindred spirits, Mark. Like George W or Alastair Campbell. We want it all and we want it now. And if we're not hitting our targets, we're hitting the bottle. Right?

Mark: Alan, I'm not an alcoholic.

Johnson: Sure. Sure you're not. That's what I told myself every day for 15 years. But until you face your demons and put the plug in the jug, how can I trust you to be my main man in the office, let alone Frankfurt or Aberdeen?

Mark: (I've got to go to Aberdeen. I've got the Rough Guide! I could always sell it on eBay. No, I've got to go to Aberdeen with Sophie!)

 

[In Jez’s bedroom, Nancy sits on his bed reading the Bible.]

Jez: Have you found it yet?

Nancy: Found what?

Jez: The bit -- you know, the bit where it says it's ok to do it up the bum.

Nancy: I'm not looking for that. I'm just reading.

Jez: Ok. Sorry. Sorry.

Nancy: Listen, Jez I want to ask you something, if we can do something very special.

Jez: (So glad I didn't rub one out in the shower.)

Nancy: I think it's time we break the last taboo.

Jez: Brilliant. It's not going to hurt, is it? What is it? Is it in the ear?

Nancy: Listen. Now, we've done it round every which way there is. I'm just wondering if we shouldn't try not doing it.

Jez: Not doing it?

Nancy: Yeah. Wouldn't that be amazing?

Jez: (No. Not amazing. Wrong. Think, brain.) Yeah. Or, I tell you what, go the other way. Do a John and Yoko. Never stop doing it or get out of bed, until like all the injustice in the world is totally sorted.

Nancy: Jeremy, I really want to give this a go. It's a real deal-breaker for me.

Jez: Well, then. Let's give it a go. This isn't anything to do with what Mark said, is it?

Nancy: No, of course not.

Jez: Because you know he's just the ghost at the feast, don't you?

Nancy: I'm so glad you understand. You're great, Jez.

Jez: (This is fine. We don't need sex. We can talk. Maybe I can get her to talk dirty while I pull myself off.)

 

[At a community church, Mark sits in a circle of men in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with Johnson.]

Mark: Hello. My-- my name's Mark and I'm an alcoholic. Uh so, I'm a lager drinker, mainly. I think I had my first one when I was about 14. Hofmeister. You remember? The bear with the porkpie hat. Yeah. (Surely, that's enough.)

Johnson: Let it out.

Mark: Yeah, so Lately, it's got really bad. I've been on the rum and Coke. (More?) And vodka and gin. All mixed up. It's not even a proper cocktail, it's just made-up. And I just drink that and stay at home. And eat oven chips out of the bag, frozen, until I throw up on myself. That's how pissed I've been. Thanks. (God, they'll believe anything! All you've got to do is turn up and moan.)

Johnson: Thank you, Mark.

 

[Back at the soup line, Jez vigorously stirs a pot of soup while watching Nancy from a distance.]

Jez: (What's so great about sex, anyway? It's all in the mind. Her soft skin is just a big bag full of kidneys and mucus and half-digested bits of pie. I bet she's got really nice kidneys. Oh, yeah, I'd fuck those kidneys real good. She looks fine. Why am I not fine and she's fine? She's probably getting some somewhere. Maybe she's doing it with him.)

Homeless man: Excuse me, is there a soup without meat?

Jez: Listen, mate. Beggars can't be choosers, all right? (Oh, right! Now, they're laughing. What's so bloody hilarious? Right that's it, that is the fucking limit!) Hi. What's so funny? What's the big joke?

Nancy: Hey Jez. Shouldn't you be sorting out the queue?

Jez: Why, what are you doing that's so important?

Nancy: Oh, I was just helping Nim fill out some benefit forms. God they're a real pain. I'm gonna go and do the soup.

Jez: I know your game. I know what you're up to, Nim.

Nim: What?

Jez: Oh, sure, yeah, you need help filling your forms in "Ooh, please, Missus, I've been on the streets for so long I've forgotten how to use a pen."

Nim: She offered and I just said yes.

Jez: Why do you even need them at all? "Oh, my forms! My precious forms!" I've got my eye on you, mate.

 

[Back at Jez and Mark’s flat, Jez and Nancy sit on the sofa watching tv.]

Jez: (It's fine, there's nothing to worry about. She's not fucking anyone. We're just sitting watching TV. That's bad body language. She hasn't mentioned that homeless guy once. Probably wants me to forget all about him.) [Nancy stands up and leaves the room] (That's it, she's off! She's leaving me. Fuck!) Where -- where are you going?

Nancy: I just wanted some more juice, you want some?

Jez: Sure. (Relax, play it cool. She loves me. She's not just here because she hasn't got a TV.)

Nancy: Oh, listen, Jez. I forgot to mention, Nim's going to be moving into my flat.

Jez: What the fuck?! Nim, the homeless guy?

Nancy: Just until he gets his own hostel place. Oh Jesus, Jez! Nothing's gonna happen! He's homeless, Jez. He sleeps rough every night.

Jez: Exactly. He's fine! It's what he does. It’s his whole thing! He probably loves it, the rolling hills, the heather. Don't fence him in.

Nancy: It's only until they sort out his claim.

Jez: Look, this is ridiculous. We've got this massive sofa. Nim should stay here. Yeah, it'll be a laugh. I love the homeless, one of my own would be amazing. I could look after him. Not like a Tamagotchi. Better.

 

[Mark returning to the flat, in the midst of a phone conversation with his dad.]

Mark: I'm fine, Dad. Please. There's no need to come and stay. I know it was on the news, but you know what the news is like these days, they just make it all up. No, no, no. Ok but please don't use that voice. All right. See you at the station. [Mark enters the living room to see Nim sitting on the sofa.] 

Nim: Hello.

Mark: Hello. [goes out to find Jez in the kitchen] Jez, there's someone I don't know sitting on the sofa eating my Sara Lee.

Jez: He's a good friend of mine called Nim who happens to be homeless.

Mark: He's not staying here, is he?

Jez: Oh, right, I take it you'd prefer to see him out on the street? You know, brush "them" away. Hose them down, put them into camps. Is that the idea?

Mark: No, of course it isn't.

Jez: Yes, he's going to stay here, unless you want him to freeze to death, or is that exactly what you want?

Mark: No! Look, he must have some benefits or something?

Jez: As a matter of fact, he doesn't. Some bloody guy ripped up his forms, apparently.

Mark: Why on earth would they do that?

Jez: I don't know, Mark. I guess that's just the way life is on the streets.

Mark: [returning to living room] Listen, Nim, I feel awful, but, the thing is, my dad's coming to stay and he considers Sir David Frost to be something of a hippy. So you're going to have to leave. I'm sorry. I wouldn't normally do this. I mean, I have a standing order to the Royal National Lifeboat Institute. That's the kind of guy I am. Maybe you can take some comfort from that?

 

[In the living room of Mark and Jez’s flat, Jez sits on the sofa watching Nancy looking through DVDs]

Jez: (God, she's gorgeous! This is killing me. Maybe I can just go and rub myself against her, say I'm doing "an experiment". No, too pathetic. OK. Here goes. The nuclear option. The ultimate.) So, Nancy. I just wanted to say how much I'm enjoying not having sex with you.

Nancy: Really?

Jez: Yeah. (Come on, Jez, death or glory.) In fact, I was going to propose that we should probably never have sex again. I mean, all that humping and pumping. We could take all that wasted energy and try and accomplish so many more important things.

Nancy: Well, yeah I mean, that's great, Jez, but I really wanted this to bring us, you know, closer together.

Jez: Oh, but it has. I feel incredibly close to you without any pressure to be sexual. I mean, these. I mean, they're just a pair of human breasts, for Christ's sakes. Now I can finally appreciate your whole body without any stupid sexual desire.

Nancy: Well, yeah I mean, celibacy, that's great, but maybe it's all just a bit of naughty Nancy. Nancy can't have fun. Nancy must be punished. And maybe I should just say "Fuck you, Mom!"

Jez: (Oh, yeah! Take that, God! Shove this up your toga, you big beardie killjoy!)

Nancy: Hey, where's Nim?

Jez: Oh, Nim's gone.

Nancy: Where?

Jez: He's fine. Mark chucked him out.

Nancy: Jesus, Jeremy! Poor Nim! Where exactly is Nim?

Jez: Oh, Nim, Nim, Nim, Nim, Nim fucking Nim! Look, if you love Nim so much, why don't you go and find him and screw him!

Nancy: Ok. Fine. I will go and try and find Nim. You know, just to make sure he's not, like, I don't know, dead or something!

Jez: Oh, Nancy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Come back! Oh, please? I'm dying here. Just touch it! Blow on it! You can use a tea towel!

 

[At a pub, Mark and Sophie sit at a table, beer in Mark’s hand.]

Mark: Soph, I just wanted to say, if we do end up going up the Highlands together I not only expect, but will insist on separate rooms because—

Johnson: Mark?

Mark: Alan! It's not what it looks like! It's only a pint.

Johnson: Only a pi-- it's never only a pint.

Mark: I didn't even want it. Sophie bought it for me. I asked for a Coke.

Sophie: No, you didn't.

Johnson: You know what I'm hearing, Mark? "Poor me! Poor me. Pour me another drink.”

Mark: No. Alan!

Johnson: This is bullshit, Mark! And you can forget about the two weeks in Aberdeen. Two words. Mini. Bar.

Mark: (Ugh! Kaliber! Of course, Kaliber! Why didn't I say it was Kaliber? Kaliber would have made everything all right.)

 

[At JLB Credit, Mark leaves his cubicle to seek out Jeff in a conference room.]

Mark: (OK, I'm going to Aberdeen. I'm going, Jeff. In a canoe made of your skin, wearing your nuts as earrings.) All right, Jeff?

Jeff: All right, Mark.

Mark: So, say, tell you what, Jeff. I had a great shag last night.

Jeff: Oh. Really?

Mark: Yeah. With your mum.

Jeff: What?

Mark: Yeah, really doing it, we were.

Jeff: Mate, I know you're pissed off about me going to Aberdeen with Soph and everything, but you need to chill, ok? You need to chill right out, otherwise –

Mark: Otherwise what? What's gonna happen, you homo?

Jeff: Mark.

Mark: Stolen any good cars lately, Mr Scouser? Where's your native wit now, ey, Mr Stupid?

Jeff: Watch it, mate.

Mark: Come on, Jeff. Let's get down to it, shall we? Come on, you stupid stinking chicken fucker. [chicken noises] Oh, those chickens really love it when that big rooster Jeff comes a-calling. [Jeff suddenly punches Mark in the face.] (Argh! He's bloody broken my beautiful nose!)

[Mark dashes down the hall and enters the security office with a freshly bloodied nose.]

Mark: That should be more than enough for Personnel to go on, don't you think? Goodbye, Jeff!

Security officer #3: What, mate?

Mark: [realizing he doesn’t recognize this security officer] Where’s -- where's the other one? You're not the one I bought the lager for.

Security officer #3: Laurie knocks off at six.

Mark: But he was supposed to tape the -- me and Jeff in the room. He must have taped it. Oh, shit! Look, mate, pal. You've got to do me a favor.

 

[Back in the conference room, Mark again tries to confront Jeff.]

Mark: Hey, Jeff.

Jeff: What now, Mark?

Mark: Yeah, so, like I was saying. Your mum. I had sex with her.

Jeff: Mark, why are you doing this to yourself?

Mark: Yeah, and it was great.

Jeff: Mark, go home.

Mark: Come on, you big pussy!

Jeff: Look, you've obviously got a lot of serious stuff going on and I'm not going to make it any worse.

Mark: Come on, dick cheese! Piss teeth! Fish lips! Come on! Have another crack at me, Jeff! Go on, I'll fight back this time! Hit me, Jeff! [Jeff turns and walks away.] (It's OK. I'll get him at the bus stop. There's CCTV at the bus stop.)

''[End credits. End of “Local Zero”]''