Tragical History

I am the target. I am the target. I am the target. Then go already! Ya big bag with which one douches. I'm sorry, what's that? I can't hear you Over the sound Of my deafening awesomeness. Women Oh, I hate him so much. Three hundred bucks, ladies! Come render the salad unto Caesar! Whoa whoa whoa! Huh-uh! We're still in the lead. Well yeah, but just by one. And? And Cyril's got three throws left to get two measly points! For the win. Exactly. Are you shitting me?! Will you shut up?! Ignore him, forget those first two darts, and just find your center. Maybe it's in your vagina C'mon, Cyril! Whassa matter? Can't perform under pressure? I Could you repeat that, please? Onomotopoeia. O, N, O, M O, T, O Pee? Geezie Petes. You idiot! How could you miss that?! How could he not? He's Cyril! C'mon ladies, I'm buyin! Way to go, Chokely Carmichael. Hey Pam, wait up! C'mon, get me drunk enough, and I might have sex with you. Really?! No, it's a Catch-22. The amount of alcohol I'd need would literally kill me. But I do wanna see how many pool balls can fit in your mouth. My record's three Come on, buddy You want a drink? Not even some vinegar and water?! With friends like that, eh? Hm? Your friends. Well, they're not really my friends, we just work togeth Oh, hello ISIS, you said? I No, I didn't say that. Well, somebody must've. Champagne? George, by the way. George Spelvin. Cyril Figgis. And thank you. Neh, thank me tomorrow After Cyril Figgis saves the day. I dunno what Mother's so mad about, but God, Pam, would you hurry up? Would you shut up?! Frickin head's poundin, I'm sweatin booze, and my mouth is killin me. You're the one who stuffed four pool balls in it. Personal best! Your mother must be so proud Yeah, oh wait, she's dead. And what's up with your mother? What comes after infuriated? Great, that's what I need, coming off a blackout drunk. Yeah, the last thing I remember was I don't know, were we super-bitchy to Cyril? Yeah, that sounds about right. Great, now he's gonna be moping around like Droopy Dawg on downers for Morning, gang! Jeez Archer, what's got your mom so darn worked up? This! Krieger? And the damn thing is spreading! To every computer in the office! Do you think this is funny?! Do you not? Nobody can do any work! Yeah, so can we go home? Absolutely! Right after you idiots de-worm the entire computer network! How're we supposed to do that?! Well, I could take a crack at it Don't! Touch it! Cyril! Go do whatever it is you do Like suck at stuff. And leave this to people who are more qualified. At not sucking at stuff. Cyril, beat it! Krieger is on this! I think. I mean, least I have a Hunch, hunch! What, what?! Ahem. Inappropriate. What do you mean? No, I mean the first part worked. I snuck into the mainframe last night, after all the champagne and the, uh Handjobs. Yeah, The twins are quite fond of you. I loaded that into the mainframe Splendid! Then open your dish! But part two, where I use your secret code to kill the worm and kinda, be the hero for once, that didn't happen. Don't worry about it, open your dish. No thanks Cyril. I got that specially for you, and quite frankly you're insulting me. Now open. Your dish. Sorry George, I didn't mean to be George there's money in there! Oh good, for a second I thought they'd brought you chicken toes or something. George why is there money in there?! Cyril, I've been just a teeny bit less than honest with you. Oh no No now, it's nothing sinister. I design computer security systems. CIA, MI-6, ODIN, all the biggies. You must be pretty good at it. Too good, that's the problem. My systems can't be hacked, so now I can't convince anyone to upgrade. Which is why I designed this. And thanks for helping me test it. If it's that easy on an XL-9 network like the one at ISIS, I think I can convince my clients they're at risk. Wh-? ! What kind of risk?! Not from this! It's just a cute little pirate. But it shows there are flaws out there that can be exploited. By bad people. Trust me, it's for the greater good. Yeah, I guess it just seems Look, if you're uncomfortable taking the fifty grand, I'll just No no! Fifty grand? - Wow No, I mean, as long as it's for the greater good - Oh, it is. And as long as I can still, ya know, swoop in and save the day OK That might be a problem. Ya think?! I do. Because now the worm is in the mainframe databanks, and Dammit, Pam! Sorry! I was just checkin to see if it's still doin it! Of course it's still doing it! "Hunch, hunch!" What, what? Pam! That's not me! Yes it is! Pam, I swear to God! Yeah, quit screwing around, Pam! This is serious. Very. Because if the worm gets into the mainframe's encrypted files Holy shit! The identity of every single ISIS field agent is on there! So what? Because most secret agents don't tell every harlot from here to Hanoi that they are secret agents! Then why be one? "Hunch, hunch! What, what?" Just turn off the mainframe! Yeah, we tried that Then how is it still on?! Because the worm has transformed the mainframe into a sentient being! What?! I'm kidding, there's a battery backup. Yeah. Over there. Behind about two tons of steel, and one electronic lock. Which is controlled by the mainframe. Well what genius thought that up?! This one. Sorry! And where the hell have you been? On agency business. At the bank. Sesame Ginger Savings and Loan? What's all this? This, is the backbreaking work we've been doing, while you were getting takeout from your stupid Chinese bank! Every single one of these has to be wiped, reformatted, the whole shmeel. What? But it's just a little cartoon pirate! Was. But it mutated, and now we're like, on the brink of World War Two. Three. It's not a competition, Pam! Well, is it or isn't it?! I don't know! I mean, the mainframe thinks they're nuclear missile launches, but it's so screwed up "Hunch, hunch! What, what?" Sorry! Case in point, there's really no way to be sure. So what am I supposed to do, just look out the window?! No, you don't wanna be anywhere near a window. Same thing in a tornado. And they can't even turn off the stupid mainframe because some stupid battery thing is in some stupid vault. But they don't need to turn off the Darn it, I can fix this! Oh please, he couldn't fix dinner. He doesn't need to, with a bank like Not a real bank. Dammit! Sorry But I have no idea how to open this thing. Not really my legerdemain. You mean bailiwick? I dunno, whatever, look out. What're you Archer, no! For the love of God, man! You massive ssshole! I'm sorry, I thought that would work! Really. No, look at that thing. It's like it's made out of Wolverine's bones. You know Cause they're Does nobody read X-Men?! So hey, how about I take a crack? I bet I can kill that pesky old worm. How? Ya gonna disappoint it to death? Hey, ya know what?! Yes, I do. Beat it Cyril, let the grown-ups work. But leave this, I'm starving. No! Gimme that! Hey, wait a damn minute! I said I was hungry. Great. Rrrrungh! There, now we don't have to re-format all those stupid things. - Brilliant. - Right? Totally. Because how's the elevator supposed to work with a jillion pounds of frickin computers on it?! Who am I, Elisha Otis? C'mon, pick up pick up pick up Cyril. What's going on with you? Nothing's going on! Hi, you've reached George Spelvin, por Espanol Hated that phone. Always dropping calls. Probably holding it wrong. Oh yeah, just like Cyril Figgis always does everything wrong, is that what you mean?! Basically. Well for your information, Cyril Figgis knows how to beat the worm! I bet. The computer worm! Krieger can't even beat it! Krieger, who's virtual girlfriend is so real the state of New York is allowing him to legally marry her! Oh, Kureega-san! Soon we will to be married, yes? Very soon, my little cherry blossom Would you please! Focus! Nooooo! Kureega-san! Nooooo! You maniac! You blew her up! Oh, damn you! God damn you all to hell! So how's this going? Not great. The worm's decrypting the ISIS agent list and then, apparently, it's going to upload them to an off-site server. Oh my God Plus now I'm going to die alone. And once the worm decrypts the cover list and uploads it - to whoever is behind this foul deed - every ISIS agent in the field will be exposed. And probably killed. Oh my Archer, do something! Who am I, Alan Turing? Also from X-Men. Sterling! What?! Are we keeping you from something? No. Well? Well what? Cyril was just right here Like, one second ago. So where are we, what's the plan? I'm going to sell it. The Russians, maybe the North Koreans famine or no, they've got a shitload of money. But you can't do that! One moment, darlings Of course I can. Once my little worm uploads the list to my server. But it's not yours! You stole it! Bought it. From you. Well, then sell it back to me! Can't. You just said you could! Well "won't" then, whatever. Look. Take the money back! Here's the almost fifty thousand! Count it! You'd still be about three zeros short. Fifty million?! Seller's market. But that's not fair oww! It is exactly fair! You made a choice! And just like every other choice that every other human being has ever made, it has a consequence! But I just wanted to show them I could Them?! Or maybe your father, who never thought you quite measured up! He how did you know that? - Just a guess really. - Okay okay, what if what if I get you the fifty million? One is inclined to ask how. Well I happen to be a kickass accountant! Did that sound a lot better in your head? Yes it did. Damn, thas over half the cover list! Krieger, we don't have much time! Can you stop the worm or not?! Oh I thought we were putting all our eggs in the battery-shutdown basket. No, it could take hours for this thing to bypass the electronic lock! Well then I better get my turtleneck. Archer! Hey so, uh you busy? Yes! Or no, I dunno. Who's asking? You, Cyril, are a [BEEP] idiot! I just wanted to show everybody I could perform under pressure! And just for once, be the guy who oww! Who what?! Betrays the agency?! And then begs me to save you?! No, not me! All those field agents! Rrgh! How much did he pay you? Fif orty thousand? Cyril. Fifty thousand. Mine. - But I already spent like, three thousand on new suits, and shoes and - Mine. Take the suits to my tailor and the shoes to my shoemaker. You have a shoemaker? Do you not? I am unbelievably angry right now. That's good, you should channel that. Onto Spelvin, whose fault this is. Shut up and break it down for me. You've been inside, what's the layout? Well, let's see uh, it's pretty big What's the floorplan! Where's the primary ingress! Orientation! Are there windows, do they face west, can we use the sun to our advantage?! I'm pretty sure it has windows Gimme the gun. No, why? We're here, idiot. Oh. Once you're in, give this to Spelvin. It's full of counterfeit bearer bonds. Where'd you get counterfeit bearer bonds. Don't open it! There's a canister of knockout gas wired to the latch. Cool Duh. Okay, try not to screw Wait, it's just Spelvin up there, right? Um Cyril. There's probably two incredibly sexy Asian women in bikinis? Oh. I'm suddenly much less angry. Well, you say that Dammit, the worm's got the list! How long will it take to upload it to the server?! I dunno, maybe five hours? Oh good, then we've got some time Or minutes, look I'm a little busy. Gettin back in the ol' dating game. Yep! Fifty million dollars in real bearer bonds! Which are um, real. Unbelievable. Well, like I said Literally. I don't believe you. Just open it up and look! At what, Cyril? A big spritz of knockout gas? Apparently not. Exactly! Because I don't even know if that's a real thing! Okay, Spelvin, where's the ISIS cover list? Over there, on the server. Where's the Hellooo, kitties Listen, if you're not busy after, we should go grab a drink or Wh-?! Dammit, Cyril! Remember to channel it! You said they were sexy! Ninjas are sexy! Right? I mean I think so. Look, I don't want to hurt you ladies So how about we all just put our swords down and You don't have a sword. Can I? Sure, why not. Keiko, katana! Well now she doesn't have a We're just set on doing this, huh? Yes, we are. Gotcha. That was a gift. Shut up. Come on. Sorry in advance for this. Wait wait, stop! Stop. Do you hear that?! Hear what?! That crunching noise? Do you hear this?! No no no, hang on, don't aaaghhh! *** Shit! I think so. Cyril, get the [BEEP] gun! Okay You're bringing this on yourself! Any time now, Cyril! Pity Probably have to knock five percent off my asking price for the list More than that, I bet. Seller's market. Wait wait, stop! Stop! Do you hear that?! No, you tit, the only thing I hear is D-drop it, Spelvin! Oh Cyril I'm warning you! Shoot him! But just him, I think the twins are warming up to me. Right, you guys? Am I getting some signals? Shut up. Make me. Cyril, we both know you can't do it. Y-yes I can! Then go ahead, Cyril shoot! Just him though! Right? II Don't have it in you. Don't have it now, didn't have it when you were a wheezy, four-eyed little kid, trying to impress daddy. How did you fail him? Was it sports? I was all-conference lacrosse. Pretty demanding sport, pretty tough on the *** This one knows what I'm talking about, right? I see you checking him out. No not sports, lookit you, shoulders like a trout. Spelvin What? What was the failure that forever killed the love in your father's heart? Regional spelling bee. Holy shit You suck at everything! Oh, it's not his fault, he just You whinging little shit. You just cost me fifty million dollars! But I'm gonna get my money's worth in Ah ah! I've still got one bullet. Does he? Who am I, CountBulletsula? Like Dracula? That was bad. Come back to me, I can do better. I will come back to you. Because even if you do have one left, you can't shoot all three of us. No. Just you. All right, fair enough. C'mon girls. Hey, call me if you ever wanna get that drink. Either of you, both, whatever. Unless the sister-thing is weird for you. I'm obviously way into it. Alright, Archer you win this round. No shit, Spelvin. Well technically I won it, but Jeezy Petes, Archer! Coulda sworn you only fired six. You coulda blown my foot off! Yeah which you totally deserve after what you did! I'm sorry, okay? And I promise, I'll never do anything like that again! So So what? So do you have to tell anybody? Depends. You learn anything? Oh God yes, I did, I swear, I learned a huge, valuable lesson that I will remember for the rest of my life! Which you will spend never knowing if I'm gonna rat you out. What?! Yeah. So now what'd you learnn? To never confide in you? There ya go. See? As long as you learn something from it, it's not a mistake. Okay WhereArcher, where are you going? Well judging from the decor, I'm guessing Spelvin's got one of those kickass Japanese soaking tubs. Wh-? ! After all that, you wanna take a bath?! Do you not?