The Father, the Son, and the Holy Guest Star

Good news, children. This Friday, we'll be holding a school-wide Medieval Festival. Medieval? Like Lord of the Rings? No, not at all. Can't we just keep going forward in our textbooks? No! No, I've already assigned each of you a role in the medieval court. Martin, you shall be our king. I shall pattern my reign on Enguerrand VII, Sire de Coucy! Tralloo Trallay! Not so fast, Nelson. You're one of King Martin's guards. You'll pay for this! my liege. What am I gonna be? Black knight? Court ninja? Bart the Impaler? Bart, you'll be playing the village cooper. What kind of a knight is that? It's the kind of knight that makes barrels and isn't a knight. Ay, caramba. Well, this stinks. But I bet Lisa got something even stupider. All hail the queen! Now as queen, you shall be entitled to eat the same French fries the teachers do. The ones made from potatoes? The very same. My coat of arms is a Spider-Man couchant on a field vert. What's "couchant" mean? Lying down. You mean like you? Now, what's "vert" mean? Say it means punching. Willie, during the festival, you'll be wearing these urine-soaked rags. You're the village idiot! Now, allow me to apply this rubber cement to your face to represent the ravages of plague. My face! What drunken call girl will have me now? Now, peasants, since the Middle Ages had no compact discs or Super Mario Men, people found entertainment in abusing the village idiot. So, let history come alive! Wait! Let me take out my contact lenses! Pelt all you want, but revenge will be Willie's. That was a stapler! Dragon in the dungeon Maiden in my lair There's potions in my wizard's pot Now drink it if you dare. Lute solo! Cooper! More pink lemon-ale! Cooper! Thy staves are not flush! You'll pay for this, my Queen. Guards, take him to the tower! Where is the tower? It's the back seat of my Merkur. There's 37 cents in the coin caddy and stay out of my diary! Quiet, my pretties. Soon we'll have revenge on those who mocked me. Also on those who were kind to me. And on the parents who took time from their busy schedules to make today such a success. I hate them all! Noble idiot, bring in the pie! I dedicate this pie to the backbone of the feudal system: the serfs. Scurry, me beasties nibble and gnaw at their overstuffed buttocks! Milhouse!, don't open your mouth! This is no accident. Nice party, dink. You're responsible for this, Simpson! No way! I didn't do it! Unlike all the other stuff I told you I didn't do, which I did. Bart, I'm sick of playing the tomfool. You are hereby suspended from Springfield Elementary! Boy, I can't believe you got thrown out. Well, don't expect to spend all week lying around on the couch like a bum, 'cause that's my thing! Bart, a school-sponsored medieval festival is supposed to be the best day of a young girl's life, and you ruined it. You deserve to be expelled for this. I didn't do it! Mom, you believe me, don't you? Bart, I love you, but sometimes I don't love your choices. Now we have to find another school for you. And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the Army, where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo Bananas in charge. Bart, this could be a good new school Oakwood Academy! Mom, that's a school for the blind. Think of the leg up you'd have! How can we afford any of these private schools? They're all so expensive. If we want to throw good money after bad, why don't we just get Grandpa that new pacemaker? I need two AA batteries. Now! Get 'em from the smoke detector. What if there's a fire? The smoke will wake us up. How 'bout this one-- St. Jerome's Catholic School? Catholic schools are usually the most affordable private schools. Catholic school? That'll straighten you out, boy. There, you don't just get bad grades-- you go to hell! My pacemaker! Classic Grandpa. Class, we have a new student. Bart, would you like to introduce yourself? Hi. I'm Bart Simpson. Ay caramba, do the Bartman, etcetera, etcetera. In the old days we'd use a ruler to deal with incorrigibles like you. Thanks for the history lesson, sis. These days we use a yardstick! I'll show you. I'll move 33 inches away. A yard's 36! Now you tell me. I don't know what they taught you in public school, but at St. Jerome's we don't tolerate back sass! Stretch out your arms like our Lord on the cross. Now hold these dictionaries. Now, think what it would be like if you had nails in your hands. Well, I guess they'd help me hold the dictionaries up. Wrong answer! Ki-ah! Stupid Catholic school. Suffering for my hip attitude. I'm the real Jesus here! So, it's sacrilege you're spoutin' then. What's it to you, Irish? The name's Father Sean. And I used to be an ornery wee cuss myself. Until one day, after a drunken brawl with my dad You're just like your mother-- can't take a punch! I was laying in the gutterpickin' up my teeth, when Saint Peter himself appears before me. Sean, you wanker he says repent of your wicked ways, or sod off. Then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a streetlight. And that's how I came to the Church. Well, I'm only here because I got blamed for a prank I didn't do. Call me crazy, but I believe you. You do? Course I do. You know, lots of church types started off as rotten wee buggers. St. Augustine himself got his start stealing pears. Stealing pairs of what? Hubcaps? Reeboks? Human eyes? It's all in here. See for yourself. Cool! Sister Thomasina, I've taken the liberty of knockin' the vinegar out of him. He's all yours. Yeah, whatever. Now class, open your math books to the word problems of our Lord. Billy and Joseph start their penance at the same time. If each swear word brings a thousand years in Hell St. Sebastian was a pious Roman soldier. For preaching Christianity to the Romans, "the Emperor Diocletian sentenced him to death by hail of arrows. " Now it's payback time! I wish I'd gone to more orgies! This stuff is great! It's way better than the comics I get at the dentist. Then Father Sean quoted Eminem in his sermon. And in art class, we painted Saint Joan burning at the stake, and mine was the grossest! Catholics rock! Bart, I'm glad you had fun, but I wouldn't get too into that Catholic Church. With all the sitting and standing and kneeling, it's like Simon Says without a winner! Mom, that's blasphemy! I'll say a rosary for you. Don't you touch bead one! Homer, maybe we should be concerned. Catholics can be a peculiar bunch: no birth control, no meat on Friday No meat?! What do they eat, light bulbs? Let's just change the subject. Bart, would you like to say grace? Yes'm. In nomine Patri, et Filii, et Spiritu Sancti. Bart, what the hell are you saying? That's Latin, Dad. The language of Plutarch. Mickey Mouse's dog? No, Plutarch. He chronicled the lives of the Roman emperors. I didn't need that new fact! Now I forgot who won Bud Bowl VIII. Boy, I'm pulling you outta that crazy school! I'm Bart Simpson's father and I'm sick of you teaching my son your time-tested values! Hey, what's that smell? We're having our monthly pancake dinner. Care to join us? You've transformed breakfast into dinner. It's a miracle! Log Cabin full of taste, my stomach is with thee. Blessed art thou among syrups, and bles No praying to the condiments! Que buenos cake-os de pan-o! Oh, boy. Oh, that's good. All pancakes aside, I really came here to talk about my son. I understand. But can it wait till after Bingo? Bingo? That's my favorite game. I just can't remember what to yell out when you win. Bingo. That's my favorite game. I just can't remember what to yell out when you win. How 'bout you just say "Yay, I won"? Bingo! I've never seen such masterful bingo playing. What's your secret, Homer? You have to cheat. Listen is it true you priest guys can't ever you know? I'll admit the vow of celibacy is one of our sterner challenges. Celibacy?! I was talking about the meat on Friday thing. Man, you guys got more crazy rules than Blockbuster Video. Well, that's true, but if you do break a rule, you can always find absolution in the sacrament of confession. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No matter what I did, no matter how many people lost their pensions, it's forgiven like that? If you truly repent, then yes. Okay, let's make some magic here. I wiped a booger on your shirt, I made a dog and a cat kiss, I swiped a bolted-down TV from a Holiday Inn I coveted the wife in Jaws II, I lied to a waiter, I masturbated eight billion times and I have no plans to stop masturbating in the future. I'm clean! In your face, Lord! Not quite, Mr. Simpson. I can only absolve you if you're a Catholic. Right and how do I join? Do I whale on some Unitarians? Well, it's a little harder than that. It begins by looking inside yourself. But it ends with bread and wine. Homer, you've been out all night! And you look like you've accepted someone as your personal something. Were you at that Catholic church?! Look, Marge, I know I was supposed to yell at that priest, but he's so cool. He plays drums in a band with a bunch of other priests! I knew they'd try to convert you! That's what they do! Well, I'm not having another 12 kids. Marge, no one is saying 12. Nine, ten, tops. See? Forget it! And you know, I went to a Catholic wedding once. The incense ruined my pantsuit! Marge, relax. I never heard of anyone getting so upset about religion. "Local father, son may swith religions" Marge is here all alone. I heard her son is Catholic now. Her husband, too. Marge, all by yourself today? Well, Homer and Bart are Well, they're under the weather. Under the weather? Or under the spell of a man in a pointy white hat? All right, I admit it. They're both at the Catholic church! Reverend, what should I do? Marge, this calls for an emergency meeting of the church's spiritual council. To Stuckey's! Bart and Homer can't go Catholic! The Romans have been separate from us since the Schism of Lourdes in 1573. And that was about our holy right to come to church with wet hair. Which we've since abolished. I guess it's good that they're taking an interest in spirituality. Oh, spirituality's great, Marge. Hey, I'm Mr. Spiritual. But remember a different faith means a different afterlife. Marge Simpson. Welcome to Protestant Heaven. Through in one. Poppy, have you seen Dash? But where is Homer and Bart? Wow! Up here, that feels good! Now dance, you heavenly gobs! I wish my family was with me. Sorry, Marge. They're just not our sort. Well, then, I'd like to speak with Jesus. I'm afraid he's gone native. Stop it! Guys, I'm serious! No! Don't worry, Marge. We'll get your boy back. Excuse me. That better be decaf. The rim is orange, ain't it? Or does under-tipping make you colorblind? Her husband's sleeping with her sister. Who said that?! So now, what do we call it when the communion wafer becomes the body of Christ? Yes, Homer? Transubstantiation! Very good. He cheated. He's got it written on his arm! Welcome to the jungle, Kevin! First Communion?! We've gotta stop 'em now! Once they seal the deal, there's no turning back. Just like the Jews with their snippity-snip. Bart, get your things. You're leaving with me! Sorry, Mom, but this is a Catholic church. Chicks don't have any authority here. Mrs. Simpson, please! If there's a problem, I'm sure we can talk it over. Back off, Popey LePew! Marge, what are you doing here? Homer, you're physically an adult, and what you do in the privacy of your own soul is your business, but I didn't change Bart's diapers for five years to see him become a Catholic. I thought there was a monster in the potty. Let's go! I think we've lost them. They weren't following us. Then why did I drive through that barn? Why did you guys have to take me away? You're always nagging me to go to church, and now that I am, it's the wrong one. I just don't think your father's the right person to pick out a religion for you. Okay, I'll pick a religion for me; Judaism. Don't have a cow, man Don't have a cow, man, don't have a cow, man Have a piece of fish, oy! Bart, we're here to bring you back to the one true faith, the Western branch of American Reform Presbylutheranism. Hello, Homer. Marge, you bring Bart home now! Once you go Vatican, you can't go back again. It wasn't a fair fight! Your church suckered him in with gory stories, just like we were suckered into getting Cinemax. Face it, Marge, Catholics rule. We've got Boston, South America, the good part of Ireland, and we're making serious inroads in Mozambique, baby! Well, I'm gonna show Bart that Protestants can be hip, too. How do you like those croutons! Why does that woman thwart my sporadic interest in my children? Shouldn't Bart and I be able to choose our own religion if we want to? Strange as it sounds, Dad, I agree with you. Everyone should be able to choose their faith, just like I chose Buddhism. Buddhism? Well, I guess lots of kids have imaginary friends. I'll ignore that. In fact, I'm gonna help you. I have a pretty good idea where they are. We can't lose Bart now that we're so close. If I do, I'll be the worst priest ever. Well, except for you know. Now, Bart, isn't this the kind of religion you'd like to be a part of for all eternity? Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome-- hot off their conversion to Christianity-- the band once known as Quiet Riot Pious Riot! Come on, feel the Lord Heaven's your reward We'll get saved Saved, saved What's wrong, Bart? You love youth culture. Mom, a religion isn't cool just because they've glommed on to some crappy rock band from the 1940s. Hey, we've played more state fairs than the Beatles! That's right. You just don't get it. I've made a sacred commitment to the Catholic Church, and Paintball! Awesome! Die! Die! Die! Bart! I knew one of these dumb things would work! My hive! My trademark hive! Hop in, boy. We'll show your mother our god kicks her god's butt. Back off, you servants of the Holy See! Easy on the zeal, church-os. I've got something to say. Don't you get it? It's all Christianity, people! The little stupid differences are nothing next to the big stupid similarities! He's right-- can't we all get together and concentrate on our real enemies? Monogamous gays and stem cells? Well said, mate. Put 'er there. My pleasure. Note to self: have hand re-blessed. Bart, you've thought of all with an important lesson Way christian has been negling over details for Bart too long Hey man! And I hope that from mistake forward, we all learn to take Bart's message of tons and understanding to heart. We beleive the god last prophet Bart Simpson preach the message of tolerance and love. We beleive tho holy Bart man preach the message of understanding and peace before he was betrayed by his follower Milhouse and pulled apart by snowmobiles, until he died. Eat our shorts! Cow-a-bun-ga!