Megamind


 * [first lines; as he's falling from the sky]
 * Megamind: [voice over] Here's my day so far; went to jail, lost the girl of my dreams and got my butt kicked pretty good. Still, things could be a lot worse. Oh, that's right...I'm falling to my death. Guess they can't. How did it all come to his you ask. My end starts at the beginning, the very beginning! I had a fairly standard childhood. I came from what you might call a broken home, literally broken. I was eight days old and still living with my parents. How sad is that?! Clearly it was time to move on.
 * Megamind's Mother: [to baby Megamind] Here is your Minion, he will take care of you.
 * Megamind's Father: [he puts the binky into Megamind's mouth and then utters his last words to his son] And here is you binky. You are destined.... [the ship closes and starts takes off]
 * Megamind: [voice over] I didn't quite here that last part, but it sounded important. Destined for...what? I set out to find my destiny. It turns out a kid from the Gloarpunked quadrant had the exact same idea. That was the day I met Mr Goody-Two-Shoes. And our glorious rivalry was born! [baby Megamind's ship is heading towards a large beautiful house] [voice over] Could this be what I was destined for? A dream life filled with luxury? [baby Metro Man's ship appears in front and crash lands into the beautiful house] Apparently not! Even fate has it's favorites. No big deal. A much different fate awaited me.
 * Lady Scott: [holds infant Metro Man in her hands] A baby! How thoughtful. [baby Megamind's ship opens and he sees the prisoners crowding round looking at him]
 * Megamind: [voice over] Luckily I found a lovely little place to call home.
 * Prisoner: [to the other prisoners] Can we keep it? [one of the prisoners is showing him picture cards of a police man and a burglar]
 * Megamind: [voice over] A place that taught me the differences between right and wrong. Mr Goody-Two-Shoes on the other hand had life handed to him on a silver platter.
 * Lady Scott: [baby Metro Man flies around the ceiling] Our baby can fly!
 * Lord Scott: Yes, yes, nothing but the best for you, darling. [Megamind as a child is being escorted out of prison and taken to School] After a few years and with some time off for good behavior, I was given an opportunity to better myself through learning at a strange place called 'shool'. It was there that I was once again ran into Mr Goody-Two-Shoes. He had already amassed a gigantic army of soft headed groupies. [Metro Man as a child uses his laser vision to heat up popcorn and all the school children cheer and clap] He bought their affections with showmanship, extravagant gifts of deliciousness. So I too would make this poppet corn and win over those mindless drones. [Megamind's object to produce popcorn for the school children explodes and Metro Man uses his powers to put the fire out] That's when I learned a very hard lesson. Good receives all the praise and adulation while evil is sent to quite time in the corner. So fitting in wasn't really an option. While they were learning Itzy Bitzy Spider, I learnt how to dehydrate inanimate objects and rehydrate them at will. Some days it felt like it was just me and Minion against the world. No matter how hard I tried I was always the odd man out. The last one picked. A screw up! Black sheep! Bad boy! Was this my destiny? Wait...maybe it was! Being bad is the one thing I'm good at. Then it hit me; if I was the bad boy, then I was going to be the baddest boy of them all! [sets off a chemical explosion in the schoolhouse] I was destined to be a super villain, and we were destined to be rivals! The die had been cast! And so began an enduring epic lifelong career...and I LOVED IT! [a gallery of newspaper articles appears, featuring Megamind and Metro Man's battles] [in prison] Good morning Warden. Great news, I'm a changed man and I'm ready to re-enter society as a solid citizen.
 * Warden: You're a villain! And you'll always be a villain. You'll never change and you'll never leave.
 * Megamind: You're fun.
 * Warden: You got a present in the mail.
 * Megamind: Is it a puppy?
 * Warden: [the warden opens the box to reveal a hand watch] From Metro Man. [reading the card from Metro Man] 'To count every second of your eighty five life sentences.' That's funny, never thought Metro Man was the gloating type. Oh, but he does have nice taste. [he puts the watch on his wrist] I think I'll keep it.
 * Megamind: Any chance you could give me the time. I don't want to be late for the opening of the Metro Man museum.
 * Warden: [the warden looks at the watch] Oh, no! Looks like you're gonna miss it, by several thousand years. [the warden walks away]
 * Megamind: Oh, am I? [starts to do an evil laugh]
 * Roxanne Ritchie: Happy Metro Man day, Metro City. It's a beautiful day in down town where we're here to honor a beautiful Metro Man. His heart is an ocean that's inside a bigger ocean. For years he's been watching us with his super vision, saving us with his super strength and caring for us with his super heart. Now it's our turn to give something back. This is Roxanne Ritchie, reporting live from the dedication of the Metro Man museum. [she does the cut sign to her camera man]
 * Hal: Wow! Okay, the stuff they make you read on air, that's unfreaking believable! It's crazy.
 * Roxanne Ritchie: I wrote that piece myself, Hal.
 * Hal: What I was trying to say was, I can't believe that in our modern society, they let, like actual art get onto the news.
 * Roxanne Ritchie: Nice save, Hal.
 * Hal: I've been watching you, like...like a dingo watches a human baby.
 * Roxanne Ritchie: Mmm.
 * Hal: Okay, that sounded...okay, that sounded a little weird.
 * Roxanne Ritchie: A little bit, yeah.
 * Hal: You're making a face, and that's making me feel weird.
 * [Megamind disguised as the warden breaks out of prison, Minion pull up outside the prison in an invisible car]
 * Megamind: Certainly do you fantastic fish, you.
 * Minion: Get in the car, you. [at a felicitation ceremony in his honor]
 * Metro Man: Hey, Metro City. [the crowd starts cheering and screaming] Hey. You know, I just wanna bring it down a bit. Boys, a little lower. Thank you, fellas. [the crowd stops cheering] Let's get real for a moment. That's right, that's right. Ha..ha. Although getting a whole museum is super cool, is super cool. You wanna know what the greatest honor you've given me is? Do you really wanna know? [the crowd start to cheer again] Really? [the crowd cheers louder] I'll tell ya. The greatest honor you've given me is letting me serve you. The helpless people of Metro City. At the end of every day, well, I often ask myself; who would I be without you.
 * Voice from Crowd: [a male voice from the crown shouts] I love you, Metro Man!
 * Metro Man: And I love you, random citizen.
 * Megamind: Aahh, I tell you Minion, there's no place like evil lair.
 * Minion: I've kept it cold and damp just for you.
 * Megamind: How...how do I look, Minion? Do I look bad?
 * Minion: Disgustingly horrifying, sir.
 * Megamind: You always know what to say. [Minion removes a cloth bag from his captive, Roxanne Ritchie] Miss Ritchie, we meet again.
 * Roxanne Ritchie: Would it kill you to wash the bag?
 * Megamind: You can scream all you wish, Miss Ritchie. I'm afraid no one can hear you. [Roxanne just looks at him coldly] Why...uh, why isn't she screaming?
 * Minion: Miss Ritchie, if you don't mind?
 * Megamind: [he does a fake scream] Like this...aaahhhh! That's...that's a poor lady scream. [the brain bot he's holding in hand suddenly bites his hand and he starts to scream in pain]
 * Roxanne Ritchie: [sarcastically] That's a little better. [looking around Megamind's lair] Is there some kind of nerdy super villain website where you get Tesla coils and blinky dials?
 * Minion: Actually, most of it comes from an outlet store in...
 * Megamind: Don't answer that!
 * Minion: [whispering] Romania.
 * Megamind: Don't! Stop! She's using her nosy reporter skills on your weak-willed mind to find out all our secrets. Such tricks won't work on me.
 * Roxanne Ritchie: Wait, what secrets? You're so predictable!
 * Megamind: [pulls a lever] Predictable, predictable! Oh, you call this....predictable!
 * Roxanne Ritchie: Alligators, yep. I was thinking about it on the way over.
 * Megamind: [brings down a gauntlet of blades] What's this? A new thing!
 * Roxanne Ritchie: Cliched.
 * Megamind: [brings down the giant blades] No, look! Watch.
 * Roxanne Ritchie: Juvenile.
 * Megamind: [Megamind brings up a chainsaw] Shock and awe!
 * Roxanne Ritchie: Tacky.
 * Megamind: [activates a cycle of spiked boots] Oh, it's so scary!
 * Roxanne Ritchie: Seen it.
 * Megamind: [now frantic he unleashes a flamethrower] What's this one do?
 * Roxanne Ritchie: Garish! [Megamind breaks down] Okay, the spider's new.
 * Megamind: Spider? [sees the spider hanging in front of Roxanne] Uh...yes! The...the speiiiider. Even the smallest bite from "arachnis deathakus" will instantly paralyze... [Roxanne blows the spider into Megamind's eye] Aargh! Get it off! Ow!
 * Roxanne Ritchie: Give it up Megamind, your plans never work.
 * Megamind: Let's stop wasting time and call your boyfriend in tights, shall we?
 * Metro Man: Should have known you would have tried to crash the party.
 * Megamind: Oh, potato, tomato, potato. Oh!
 * Metro Man: We all know how this ends; with you behind bars!
 * Megamind: Oh, I'm shaking in my custom baby seal leather boots! You will leave Metrocity or this will be the last you ever hear of, Roxanne Ritchie! Huh? [the screen next to him shows Roxanne tied to a chair]
 * Metro Man: Roxanne! Don't panic, Roxy. I'm on my way.
 * Roxanne Ritchie: I'm not panicking.
 * Megamind: [smirking] In order to stop me, you need to find her first, Metro Man!
 * Roxanne Ritchie: We're at the coastline observatory!
 * Megamind: Ah-huh! No, we're not! Don't listen to her! She's crazy! [after trapping Metro Man crashes in the observatory, Megamind comes up on a projector] Over here, old friend! In case you've noticed, you've fallen right into my trap.
 * Metro Man: You can't trap justice. It's an idea, a belief!
 * Megamind: But, even the most heartfelt belief can be corroded over time.
 * Metro Man: Justice is a non-corrosive metal.
 * Megamind: But metals can be melted by the heat of revenge!
 * Metro Man: It's 'revenge', and it's best served cold!
 * Megamind: But it can be easily reheated in the microwave of evil!
 * Metro Man: Well, I think your warranty's about to expire!
 * Megamind: Maybe I got an extended warranty!
 * Metro Man: Warranties are invalid if you don't used the card for it's intended purpose!
 * Roxanne Ritchie: [exasperated] Uuhh! Girls, girls, you're both pretty! Can I go home now!
 * Megamind: Of course you can. That is if Metro Man can withstand the full concentrated power of the sun! FIRE! [nothing happens and Metro Man just looks at Megamind] [after the solar powered laser failed to fire at Metro Man] Minion, fire?
 * Minion: Uh, still warming up, sir.
 * Megamind: Come again?
 * Minion: Warming up, sir.
 * Megamind: Warming up? The sun is warming up?
 * Minion: One...second...more...and...just....tippy tappy, tippy tap, tap, tip, top more.
 * Megamind: Honestly!
 * Minion: And we are ready in just a few...hang on one second.
 * Megamind: [exasperated] Uuhh! I told you to have things ready. I told you countless times. Why do you always blame me? [grabs his eye that the spider had bit earlier] My spider bite is acting!
 * Minion: Yeah, good luck with that one!
 * Megamind: Who's side are you on?
 * Roxanne Ritchie: The losing side.
 * Minion: Thank you.
 * Roxanne Ritchie: [sarcastically] Uh, could someone stamp my frequent kidnapping card?
 * Megamind: [Megamind laughs] You of all people know we discontinued that promotion.
 * [Metro Man collapses in the observatory that Megamind has trapped him in]
 * Metro Man: Good lord, I'm trapped!
 * [Megamind looks at Metro Man through the projector]
 * Megamind: What kind of trickery is this?
 * Metro Man: You mad genius. Your dark gift has finally paid off!
 * Megamind: It...it has?
 * Metro Man: The stone is obviously lined with copper.
 * Megamind: Yeah. So?
 * Minion: Sir? Uh... [Minion points at computer screen]
 * Metro Man: Copper drains my powers.
 * Megamind: Your weakness is copper? You're kidding, right? [suddenly the solar powered laser is activated and fires at the observatory that Metro Man is trapped in] [after the observatory that Metro Man was trapped in has exploded]
 * Minion: I don't think even he could survive that.
 * Megamind: Well, let's not get our hopes up just yet. [after destroying Metro Man]
 * Minion: You did it, sir!
 * Megamind: I did it!
 * Minion: You did it!
 * Megamind: I did it! Metrocity is MINE! [celebrating their victory in destroying Metro Man]
 * Minion: [singing] You did it, sir. You did it, sir.
 * Megamind: [singing] Yes I did.
 * Minion: Us!
 * Minion: We both did it.
 * Megamind: Not us, I!
 * Minion: You a little more than me, but still come on! When they're giving out the awards I'm going to be right here next to you, right sir?
 * Megamind: What awards? Awards for what? [speaking into the microphone at a press conference] All I did was eliminate the most powerful man in the universe. Are there any questions? Come on? Yes, you at the back.
 * Roxanne Ritchie: I'm sure that we'd all like to know what you plan to do with us and this city?
 * Megamind: Good, I'm glad you asked that. Imagine the most horrible, terrifying, evil thing you can possibly think of and multiply it...by six! In the mean time, I want you to carry on with the dreary normal things you, normal people do. Let's just have fun with this, come on! And I will get back to you. [he walks backwards into the white house with Minion following behind him] [whispering] Now slam the door really hard. [Minion slams the door hard but his shadow can been seen through the door] They, they can still see you. Oh, Minion, did you think this day would ever come?
 * Minion: No way. Not at all, sir. Never. Never in a million... [Megamind gives him an evil look] I mean, yes, I did.
 * Megamind: [noticing the large windows inside the White House] And what's this? It's like one of the giant monitors in the lair, but is seems to carry only one station.
 * Minion: Oh, that sir is called a window.
 * Megamind: Window!
 * Minion: All the kids are looking through them.
 * Megamind: Oooh! I've never had a view before. Metrocity, Minion. It's all mine. If my parents could see me now.
 * Minion: Sir, I am sure they're smiling down from evil heaven.
 * Megamind: [talking to a Drinking Bird toy] I know. Funny. Always thirsty, never satisfied. I understand you, little well dressed bird. Purposeless, emptiness. It's a vacuum, isn't it? It's...What's your vacuum like?
 * Minion: [Minion breaks through the door, singing and playing air guitar on a statue] [singing] Going up the rails on a crazy train, sir!
 * Megamind: Hey, hey, hey! Not now, Minion. I'm in a heated, existential discussion with this dead eyed, plastic desk toy.
 * Minion: Is...is something wrong, sir?
 * Megamind: Just think about it. We have it all. Yet we have nothing. It's just too easy now.
 * Minion: I'm sorry. You've lost me, sir.
 * Megamind: [wearily] I mean, we did it. Right?
 * Minion: Uh, well, you did it, sir. Yes, you've made that perfectly clear.
 * Megamind: Then why do I feel so...meloncholy.
 * Minion: Meloncholy?!
 * Megamind: Unhappy.
 * Minion: Oh, well, uh...what if tomorrow we could go kidnap Roxanne Ritchie? That always seems to lift your spirits.
 * Megamind: [through his window he notices the statue of Metro Man] Good idea, Minion. But without him, what's the point.