Kickassia

The independent movie by the members of That Guy with the Glasses.

Part 1
THE WITHERING EYE

(Scene opens with a Map of Molossia, panning over as a voiceover speaks)

Voiceover: There is a nation called... Molossia. A micronation, to be precise. Located just outside of Reno, in Dayton Nevada. It is a small spec of land... One point three acres to be exact. But through a strange loophole, it is technically considered... a nation. It is run by a man named Kevin Baugh, who has declared himself the proud president of this land. He has been called one Curly short of the Three Stooges, but he does manage to keep order in his humble country. For the most part Molassia is a quiet, simple, gentle land, that is yet to subject itself to any intense, hostile violence. That... is where the Nostalgia Critic comes in.

(Scene changes to the Molossia flag against the morning sunlight. The opening credits roll, showing old civil war paintings, and playing the Kickassia theme. This ends with "Part 1: THE WITHERING EYE)

(After the credits, it opens on shots of Molossia, President Kevin Baugh is performing morning meditation when there's a knock on his door and goes to open it. Nostalgia Critic is seen waiting outside.)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, online personality, and all around spectacular guy.

Kevin Baugh: (silent)

NC(as if in reply to Kevin): I'm fine. Anyway I run a website that has all sorts of reviewers that come together and, well, review stuff. I don't like to brag, but, we're pretty successful.

Kevin Baugh: (silent)

NC: I noticed that you er, have your own nation here. Must be very proud.

Kevin Baugh: (silent)

NC: But to be fair, um... It is not very big and you're not very big. So. Let's just cut to the chase here. I am going to... invade you. My army is going to take you down, conquer Molossia, and take it as our own. Now, don't get any bright ideas. Don't try to fight back or anything like that. My army is quite literally unstoppable, undefeatable, and of course, invincible. Where, you are... what? Just you? (laughs) So, I'll give you uh... ten minutes to pack things up and piss off. (smiles) Deal?

Kevin Baugh: (silent, shuts the door.)

NC (confused): Why do they always want to do it the hard way? (leaves)

(Cut to shots of trees and countryside, as Nostalgia Critic sits in front of four computer monitors, each with information about Molossia.)

NC: Ahhhh... Molossia... (picks up phone and dials)

(Cut to Nostalgia Chick as she picks up her phone.)

NChick: Hello?

NC: It's time. (hangs up, dials another number)

(NChick looks at her phone confused, and puts it down. Cut to Phelous)

Phelous: Hello?

NC: It's time. (hangs up, dials another number)

Linkara: Hello!

NC: It's time. (hangs up, dials another number)

Spoony: Hello?

NC: It's time. (hangs up, dials another number)

Film Brain: Hello?

NC: It's time. (random intercut shots of NC speaking and dialing on the phone as the camera pans over the monitors.) (nodding and smiling as he completes his last call) It's time. (goes to get up, but phone immediately rings.) Hello?

Phelous: Uhhh, Yeah... what does "It's time" mean?

NC: What?

Phelous: I don't know, you just called me up and said, (mockingly)"It's time!" like I'm supposed to know what that means.

NC: Get on the wagon, Phelous! It's the takeover of Molossia!

Phelous: The takeover of what?

NC: Ah- H-hold on, got a call on the other line. Hello?

NChick: Hey... yeah, what's this "It's time" thing you're talking about?

NC(surprised): Don't you know?!

Nchick: No.

NC: Ah- Look, it doesn't matter, just meet me in Molossia.

NChick: Where?

NC: I- Ah, hold on, I got another call. (changes call) Hello?

Spoony: Yeah, it's uh... (checking watch) 3:22 p.m.

NC: What?

Spoony(confused): I thought you were asking what time it was.

NC(frustrated): No no... I'm telling you it IS time!

Spoony: Yeah, and that time is 3:22p.m.

NC: No no- Urrrgh! I've got another call. Hold on. (switching calls) Hello?

Angry Joe: I'm behind you 110% Critic! Any Chick-Fil-A refusing to serve us delicious nuggets on Sundays from here on out will be blown sky high! (manic cackling)

NC: Wait a minute, what are you talking about?

Angry Joe: Wait, what are you talking about?

NC: The invasion of Molossia!

Angry Joe: What is Molossia?

NC: I- (sigh) Hold on, I'll get back to ya. (switches calls) Hello?

Linkara: Uhhh, yeah, I got 3:24 here, but I think Spoony's watch is more accurate.

NC: Oh, uh.... hold on a minute. (switches calls) Hello?

Linkara: Me again.

NC: Sorry. (switches calls) Hello?

NChick: Hi! Still running on "confused" here.

NC: Look, it's hard to explain, just meet me in Molossia! It's in Nevada.

NChick(sarcastically): Ok, I'll just uh, walk over to Nevada.

NC(angry): I'll fly you there.

NChick: When?

NC(frustrated): I don't know! I can barely keep track of who I'm talking to! Oh, that reminds me, I gotta call Sean.

NChick: Who?

NC: The Epic Fail Guy!

Nchick: Oh, yeah. He's funny!

NC: Yes. (switches calls) Hello!

Spoony: Three twenty... three p.m.!

NC: Go away. (switches calls) Hey Cinema Snob?

Cinema Snob: Guilty as charged.

NC: Any chance you have Sean's number?

Cinema Snob: Your mom has Sean's number.

NC: Shut up...

(cut to shot of a phone.)

Sean Fausz(voiceover): (singing to the tune of The Greatest American Hero theme) Believe it or not, Sean isn't at home. Leave a message at the beep...

NC: Figures. Let me see if Goggles in on board.

That Chick With The Goggles(voiceover): Hello, That Chick with the Goggles!

NC: Goggles! ... It's time.

Goggles: It is?

NC: Yes. We are taking over Molossia!

Goggles: We're taking over Molossia?

NC(excitedly): I know right, so get your stuff together and come down to-

Goggles: Oh by the way, this has been an answering machine the whole time. Leave your message after the beep. (beep)

NC: (confused look on his face) ...

(Cut to Little Miss Gamer in a weird video-game world)

Little Miss Gamer: Hello?

NC: Little Miss Gamer? I need you help. We are taking over Molossia!

Little Miss Gamer: Oh... yeah, ya know I'd love to Critic, but I'm (dodging things on screen) I'm a little busy right now!

NC: Huh? Doing what?

Little Miss Gamer: Uhh, yeah, I kinda got sucked into my Nintendo game. (punches a duck from Duck Hunt) Freak accident. Now I have to defeat the Mother Brain, restore order to the kingdom, (dodges a goomba) and Link's been acting kinda like a jerk. (Cartoon Link pops up on screen saying "Well, excuuuuse..." before exploding.)

NC(sighing): Hold on, another call. (switches calls) Hello?

Spoony: Three twenty... four p.m.!

NC: Ok, look, I'm putting EVERYBODY on speakerphone. (Hits button and sets down phone.) (shouting) Can-you-hear-me?!

Angry Joe: Yes!

Nchick: Yes.

Phelous: Yes.

Cinema Snob: No. ...I mean yes.

NC: Look, we're taking over the land of Molossia. I'm flying you all out to Nevada so we can prepare for the invasion!

Angry Joe: And where we all gonna stay?

NC: It's ok. I booked everybody a hotel room.

(Scene immediately cuts to a hotel room, in which EVERYONE is crammed into. Visible people are LordKat, Benzaie, Film Brain, Bennett, Paw, Handsome Tom, Linkara, Nostalgia Chick, Spoony, MarzGurl, Cinema Snob, Jew Wario, and Phelous. Everyone looks downtrodden and annoyed.)

Phelous(sarcastically): Well, gee, I didn't see that one coming.

Film Brain(excitedly): Oh boy! I'm excited! (To Handsome Tom) Are you excited?! I'm excited! (pause) Excited! (Handsome Tom turns away.)

Linkara(monotone, and tiredly): (rubbing his head) I cannot believe he dragged us all out here...

Benzaie: Tell me about it! I've got American food I could be puking up right now!

Cinema Snob: (Turning to Spoony) Hey, you look familiar, aren't you that "doctor" guy?

Spoony(suspisciously shocked): What! No.. no.. I mean I don't know what you're talking about. (turns away)

Cinema Snob: Yeah yeah yeah! You're always trying to... take over the world and stuff.

Spoony: NO! I mean I swear I don't know-

Cinema Snob(interrupting): No no no no... you got the goggles and the-

Spoony(shouting): (grabbing Cinema Snob by the jacket) NO! (calming down) I mean... heh... ok. I was before but... (dramatic turn, with close-up on Spoony's face) That was the past... (dramatic music plays as Spoony stares off into nothing)

Cinema Snob: Ok, I'm gonna ignore you now.

(Cut to LordKat standing next to 2D Lee)

LordKat: So you're a picture, huh?

2D Lee: (rolls his eyes and sighs)

(Nostalgia Critic enters)

NC: Alright alright alright alright alright alright alright ALRIGHT! Is everybody here?

LordKat: We sure as hell hope so. We can't fit any more people in this room.

Bennett(worriedly): My god! Where's 8-bit Mickey!

Paw: I think you're sitting on him, dude.

8-bit Mickey: (offscreen, with only his hand and arm visible) That's ok. I didn't want to stand anyway.

NC: Alright people! We are about to do the ballsiest thing any of us have ever done before. We are going to take over the land... of Molossia!

MarzGurl: ...why?!

NC: What?

MarzGurl: Why are we taking over Molossia? I mean, isn't it.. barely an acre of land?

NC: Heh. MarzGurl, do you think anyone else here honestly has that questi-

Everyone: WHY?!

NC: Ok! Ok! Fact is that it's our one opportunity to finally seize control of something. I mean... haven't you ever wanted to rule your own nation?

Jew Wario: Does SimCity count?

NC: This is our chance to finally have power! To create an empire unlike any other!

Linkara: But it's only an acre of land! What can we do with an acre of land?!

NC: What CAN'T we do with an acre of land?!

Film Brain: (wide-eyed) Whoa...

NC: People. What may start as just a small acre of land, will blossom into something larger than any of us can possibly imagine!

Linkara(mockingly): Yeah, like two acres of land! (Everyone chuckles softly.)

NC: You know, there's another group of people that thought like you, Linkara. There were called NAZIS! They were close-minded, hate filled people who just wanted everything their way. (shouting) Are you a Nazi, Linkara?!

Linkara: No.

NC: (even louder) Are you a Nazi, Linkara?!

Linkara: No!

NC: Cause I don't want any Nazis around here!

Linkara(shouting): No! I'm not a Nazi! (everyone stares at him accusingly) I'm not! I'm not! I'm not a Nazi!

NC(calmly): Good. Now let me tell you about a group of people that didn't give up. They were called Nazis! (everyone nods thoughtfully) They had a crazy plan, too. Everybody thought they were nuts. But you know what? They got pretty far, didn't they? Cause they were dedicated.

Everyone: Yeah!

NC: And strong!

Everyone: Yeah!

NC: A lot of people said they were crazy.

Everyone: Ehhhh.

NC: Well everybody says that we're crazy, so that gives us a better advantage, doesn't it?

Everyone: YEAH!

NC: Think about it... First we take Molossia, and then... the neighbors down the street. And then their neighbors, and then their neighbors, and then their neighbors! Until we build a military force so gigantic that nobody would be able to stop us! And then we go global! First we start with Texas. (Angry Joe and MarzGurl nod to each other.) Then Canada. (Phelous smiles) Then France! (Benzaie looks intrigued) And then whatever other nation stands in our way! And then...

Jew Wario(excitedly): Pudding?

NC: THE WORLD!

Everyone: YEAH!

NC: And don't you let anyone tell you that you can't do it. So what are you people? A Nazi? (everyone groans) OR NAZIS!

(Everyone cheers wildly. Film Brain wipes a tear from his eye. 8-Bit Mickey cheers from the floor. NC walks over to Nostalgia Chick, placing his arm around her.)

NC: By the way... as the obvious future president of this great nation, I am going to need a vice president to be by my side. (Nchick rolls her eyes right before NC grabs her and twirls her around) You're the only one who can keep the Nostalgia name alive... mostly because it's IN your name. Interested?

Nchick: Well, I dunno, I was kinda holding out for... president?

NC: Well, that's all the vice president does.

NChick: Oh. Ok, then.

NC: Cool.

(Nostalgia Critic turns to everyone)

NC: Alright everybody! What are we waiting for? Let's go kick some Molossia!

(Everyone cheers and runs out of the room)

8-Bit Mickey: (last to leave as he opens the door) And 8-bit Mickey!

(Scene cuts to more shots of Molossia. Kevin Baugh is speaking to someone offscreen.)

Kevin Baugh: So. This Nostalgia Critic guy says he might be invading our nation. What do you think?

(Shot cuts to Kevin sitting alone at a table. He slowly gets up, changing into a different outfit with a german hat, and a monocle. (This is Kevin's alter ego, Fritz Von Baugh yet not revealed at this time) He sits in the opposite chair at the table.)

Fritz Von Baugh: I say we keep our defenses high, but not worry too much about it.

(He gets back up, and changes back to President Baugh. He sits back down.)

Kevin Baugh: Good.

(Scene cuts to the Channel Awesome group marching toward Molossia. Benzaie has Beary stuffed in his jacket. Spoony turns and spits on the ground behind him. As they approach Molossia, Film Brain gets the Critic's attention.)

Film Brain(excitedly): We're gonna annihilate them, aren't we? We're going to annihilate them!

NC: (patting Film Brain on the head like a child) Yes Film Brain, but save your energy. You're going to need for all the pointless torturing we're gonna be doing.

Film Brain: (rubs his hands together and smiles gleefully)

(Scene cuts to Kevin Baugh walking outside his home to confront the group.)

8-Bit Mickey: He seems much smaller in person.

Handsome Tom: That because you're far away from him, jackass.

NC: Well, he's about to get a lot closer. CHARGE!

(Everyone runs toward Molossia, yelling. Kevin Baugh remains completely still. The scene cuts back and forth between the group's screaming charge, and Kevin's blank expression. As soon as the group reaches the house, Kevin reveals a machine gun. The group's running charge is now a terrified, screaming retreat. Kevin smirks slightly before calmly heading back into his house, as the group continue running and screaming away from Molossia and back to their hotel. 8-bit Mickey is seen in front of the Molossia sign in the fetal position, sucking his thumb.)

(Cut to the Hotel room.)

Phelous: Well, THAT didn't work.

Bennett: Didn't you have any other strategy outside of going, "Aaaaaaahhhhh!" (waving his hands in mockery)

NC: Well, I didn't think that far ahead.

Cinema Snob: No, you just thought up to where everyone was in charge, and you were ruling the fucking world.

NC: (in unironic argeement) Yes.

Paw: You can't just do that, Critic. You have to plan these things out. You have to have a strategy for god's sake!

NC: Yeah, but that takes hard work. Hard work that we do not have!

MarzGurl: I declare this... "sucking".

LordKat: Me, too. I'm outta here.

Everyone: Yeah yeah yeah... (all get up to leave)

MarzGurl: This is balls.

NC: WAIT! Do you dare leave now in your moment of victory?!

Film Brain: (placing a hand on NC's shoulder and staring off wistfully) I would never leave you, Critic!

NC: (looking freaked out) I know that, Film Brain. (slowly pushes him away) We just need a plan!

Angry Joe: How about be gut them open and wear their organs as hairnets!

NC: Nah, we'd have to get close to them first.

Angry Joe: Aww.

Benzaie: How about I launch Beary over, like a kamikaze bear?

NC: Nah, I think they'd see that coming.

Benzaie: Oh.

(Dr. Spider Smith (from the NC: Lost in Space review) appears next to LordKat in a firey portal.)

Dr Spider Smith: How about a legion of SPY-DERS? They're quite small and fit into most overhead compartments.

NC: NO! How'd you get in here anyway?!

Dr. Spider Smith: ...just want to be loved.

NC: GET OUT!

Dr. Spider Smith: Hoh... (his portal floats away as LordKat looks on, bewildered.)

8-bit Mickey: How about we use Tom's head as a battering ram?

Handsome Tom: Hey!

NC: Nah, his head is too soft.

Handsome Tom: Hey!

2D Lee: Maybe we can jump on him and use his turtle shell to get extra points!

NC: That's your answer to everything!

2D Lee(dejected): Well it would work if you gave it a shot!

Phelous: Hey guys, uh, I got an idea. (sarcastic) This might seem like a shot in the dark but what if we just used weapons?

NC: Nah, nah, that's a terrible idea. (long pause) WAIT! I have an idea!

Phelous(sarcastically): Gee, does it involve using weapo-

NC: It involves using weapons!

Phelous: Yeah.

NC: Angry Joe, get your MP5's! Linkara, get your magic gun! Benzaie, start wrapping Beary in explosives! By god, we'll give 'em a battle worth fighting for! And this time... there will be no dawn... for Molossia.

(Sequence involving everyone gearing up for war. Nostalgia Chick puts on a pair of dust goggles. Joe unpacks his MP5's. Bennett turns his hat around and pulls out an Uzi. LordKat puts on a camo mask. Jew Wario becomes Yanki J. Phelous pulls out a sword. Beary gets a grenade attached to him by Benzaie. Mickey dresses as a Spartan warrior, complete with markered on ab muscles. Linkara attaches a stuffed bear to a rope, realizes how strange that is, tosses it away and pulls out his magic gun. Film Brain pulls out a green pistol. MarzGurl pulls on a blue mask. Cinema Snob removes his glasses, spins around... and puts them back on. Paw puts on his headphones and turns them on, creating a proton pack start-up sound. Handsome Tom has changed from his "Hero" shirt to his "Villain" shirt, and shrugs.)

(The scene ends with Nostalgia Critic looking out the hotel window, and suddenly turning to the camera as the scene goes black. "To Be Continued..." appears and the video ends.)

Part 2
Triumph and Treacle

Spoony is standing in a room by himself, a distressed look on his face; NC enters behind him

Spoony: Is everyone preparing for battle?

NC: They are, Spoony.

Spoony: *nervous and sweating* Good.

NC: You know, Spoony, you would really help the team out if you were to…well…you know.

Spoony: *turning his head slightly, voice cracking* Summon him?

NC: It would be just this once, Spoony. Just this once and you can go back to normal.

Spoony: *turns around suddenly* NORMAL?! There’s no normal. I don’t even know what normal is any more. Every day I live with the beast raging inside of me.

NC: All you need to do is set him free and then once you have him under control-

Spoony: CONTROL?! There is no control! There is only ANARCHY! Chaos! And the world writhing in pain!

NC: But, if you would only try!

Spoony: TRY?! There is no try! *Spoony grabs NC* There is only the darkness!

NC: Give in, Spoony. Give in for me. And the team. And for me!

Spoony: *sigh* I left the madness behind me a long time ago.

Spoony turns to the curtains and looks back at NC

Spoony: You'll find none of it left here!

Spoony looks back at NC through the corner of his eye.

NC turns to walk out of the hotel room.

NC: Sometimes we all need to give in to the madness. *Spoony then looks nervous as NC walks out of the room, his eyes turning toward the camera in horror as the door shuts.*

''Cut to Molossia as Baugh reads some documents and looks out the window, then is surprised to see the encroaching army all ready for battle and armed with various weapons. NC is dressed as M. Bison and turns to address the team. Baugh goes to talk to his citizens who are all reading books.''

Baugh: Just a heads up, guys. Molossia might be under attack in a couple minutes or so.

Molossian citizens: Mmmhmmm...

Cut to NC Bison as he addresses the team'

NC: LordKat! Make ready the new salute for our nation! *LordKat steps up and gives everyone the bird. Everyone does the same in salute.*

Montage of people standing battle ready

NC: Alright people, this is the moment you've been waiting for! Bravery will be rewarded! Destinies will be revealed! And the honor of a new nation will be born! A nation which I will declare-KICKASSIA!

Crowd cheers

Spoony: Wolverines!

Film Brain: Symbolism!

The crowd dies down

NC: Phallus, send the signal to sound the charge!

Phelous: Okay. First of all, it's "Phelous" not "Phallus". Second, the guy's standing right there looking at you. Why don't you send the signal yourself?

NC: *chuckle* Phallus *dope slap* Just do it.

Phelous waves his finger as Paw plays his kazoo.

NC: *turns around* For all of Kickassia...CHARGE!

''Everyone charges into battle as Baugh looks on. He presses buttons on his iPhone to set off a series of mines. The line holds as the group presses on! Frustrated with the continuing wave of troops, Baugh sets off more charges as they continue to strike. A bomb knocks MarzGurl down and Linkara rushes to her aid.''

Linkara: MARZGURL! *runs over to her* NO! MarzGurl! You were so young and blue haired! Damn you, Molossia! *MarzGurl slowly gets up.* Damn you to hell! *MarzGurl takes off her mask.*

MarzGurl: I... I'm fine.

Linkara: Oh! God, MarzGurl! You're dead. No! You want me to tell you about Disneyland?

MarzGurl: No, seriously. I'm ok-

Linkara: There's cotton candy on the trees! You can just climb up and get one if you want!

MarzGurl: Look, I don't know who you seem to think you are. I mean I'm really-

Linkara: Take comfort in my masculine arms!

MarzGurl: *muffled* You're an idiot!

''Everyone continues to charge. Cinema Snob uses a peashooter and gets part of it stuck in his throat.''

NC: *quickly* Remember, pain is just God's way of telling you to try harder!

In the background, Joe fires his guns.

''Cut to Baugh, stepping out of his house. He then mans a cannon as people continue to run. He shoots the cannon as LordKat, Brad and Spoony dodge. Bennett ducks behind a ludicrously small boulder, but it appears to protect him. Mickey rides Handsome Tom like a horse, who gets spooked at a cannonball that lands nearby''

8 Bit Mickey: Easy boy, easy! Let's go!

Everyone continues to press on as the Bum charges in!

Bum: Raaaah! Long live Kickassia! *cannonball lands near him* Okay. I'm going.

''Yanki J swings his baseball bat, deflecting a cannonball. Baugh then ducks, and runs from the assault. Everyone continues to charge. NC has everyone stop.''

NC: FENCE!

''They try to climb over it to no avail. Joe tries to shoot it.''

Angry Joe: It's no use! The bullets are just going through the holes!

NC: *turns and calls for a ladder* LADDERS! *they find the quickly summoned ladder to be too big*

Everyone: Huh...

NC: FOOTSTOOLS!

Everyone then hops on a swiftly produced footstool to climb the fence and breaches Molossia!

NC: QUICKLY! To the Molossia railroad!

Everyone runs to the railroad as JewWario trips and faces a toy train.

JewWario: AHHHHHHHH!

Phelous picks up a shaken JewWario.

Phelous: It's just a toy train!

JewWario starts to cry.

Benzaie gets ready to throw Beary.

Benzaie: This is it, Beary! At least you're dying for a good cause!

Beary: It was an honor to serve you, mon ami!

''Benzaie hugs Beary. Starts to throw him when the grenades goes off.''

Beary: Ow.

Baugh comes in, ready to face the oncoming army!

NC: DESTROY HIM!

Baugh uses his sword to teleport around the area, causing much confusion.

NC: Huh? *spots him.* HEY!

Baugh teleports again as the team tries to get to him

NC: COCK!

''Baugh teleports in front of LordKat, Benzaie, Sage, Mickey and Brad and then uses his sword to slap them. He then teleports away. He then taps NC on the shoulder and punches him. NC goes to retaliate when he vanishes.''

NC: GAH!

''Baugh teleports in front of Lee and tries to attack him. It obviously doesn't work.''

Lee: Don't get me angry! You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!

Lee gets angry and changes into 3D Lee.

Spoony: WOAH! It's 3D LEE!

''Lee takes the sword with his hands and knocks it out of Baugh's hands. He then proceeds to pummel him.''

Brad: H-Hey! 3D Lee is pretty awesome!

Baugh is knocked around and hits a barn.

NC: Don't make us review you!

Baugh runs off and everyone looks confused.

NC: *turns to Joe* Follow him?!

''Everyone charges into the house as NC opens the door. They then encounter Fritz Von Baugh.''

NC: Alright, President Baugh. Hand over Molossia and nobody gets hurt.

Fritz von Baugh: I'm not the president. I'm Fritz von Baugh, Minister of Making Things Orderly.

Brad: But, it's so obviously you.

Fritz von Baugh: Yes, I get that a lot. But, the fact is we're two totally different people.

NC: Okay, well, where is the "president"?

Fritz von Baugh: Oh. He's gone. Flew right out the door.

MarzGurl: So...You mean we won?

Fritz von Baugh: It looks that way. Yes.

Everyone cheers as Joe runs into the room where the Molossian citizens are still reading.

Joe: Molossia has been conquered! A new dawn of government is upon us! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Molossian citizens: Mmmhmmm...

Cut to NC facing the team.

NC: My friends, this is indeed a great day. We have given birth to a new nation!

Everyone cheers!

NC: And there will be government. Rules. And a new democracy to live by!

Linkara: Why a democracy?

NC: Because I say so. And I will be your president!

Crowd: YAY!

NC drags Nchick over, who is drinking beer.

NC: Nostalgia Chick will be vice president!

Crowd: YAY!

NC: And the rest we'll figure out at another time!

Film Brain: Another time!

NC: And as my first order as your president. I shall build a table. A round table so that everyone can look at each other in the eye.

Nchick: Hmm. That's a good idea. It's like everyone's equal.

NC: Yes! And I shall be elevated above you in a rocket chair! A magnificent rocket chair so I can look down on all of you and see just how equal we all are!

Everyone groans: ...Yay...

NC: Make yourselves comfortable, everybody, for we have given birth to the greatest nation ever known! We have given birth TO KICKASSIA!

Everyone cheers.

Part 3
Inglorious Glory

''The video opens up in an old 1940s newsreel style as we see Chris Larios from Transmission Awesome news. Voiceover as Kickassia is shown.''

Chris Larios: Dateline Kickassia! Year one of the new Critic Imperium. Confidence is high as this new and proud nation works long and hard to establish its new government.

Cut to Chris Larios standing in front of Kickassia.

Chris Larios: I'm Chris Larios for Transmission Awesome news here today in the nation formally known as Molossia but now as of recent known as Kickassia.

Cut to Lee, Handsome Tom and 8 Bit Mickey performing jumping jacks.

Chris Larios: Though it is not easy to establish a government from the ground up, Kickassia is fortunate to have hard working individuals making their regime stable. *As Chris speaks, the scenes cut to MarzGurl in a military uniform, and later the camera pans across several Kickassian citizens*

Cut to Chris interviewing LordKat.

Chris Larios: And here's one of them now. LordKat, recently appointed Minister of Trade. Tell me, new Minister, what does your new job exactly entail?

LordKat: I have a lot of video games I can trade. From NES *Shows Blades of Steel* Some Super Nintendo to Sega Genesis and we're hoping we can trade them to other nations. *Shows Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles* For goods and valuables.

Chris Larios: So, you really think other nations will trade goods and valuables just for video games?

LordKat: Oh, sure. China would sell twenty percent of its military just for a copy of Marble Madness. *shows Marble Madness.* I guess it's pretty rare down there.

Cut to Angry Joe patrolling Kickassia with his gun.

Chris Larios: Of course military forces aren't a major concern in Kickassia, Secretary of Defense Angry Joe assures the public that everything is well protected.

Chris talks to Joe.

Joe: It's true that we're a small nation and are therefore more prone to attack. But, we have a good cuts to MarzGurl in a military uniform talking to the troopa. Drill Sargent who knows how to keep up the men's morale.

MarzGurl: Stand up straight! *punches Paw* Tuck in your shirt! *punches Film Brain* Stop being so tall! *punches Handsome Tom*.

MarzGurl Faces 8 Bit Mickey.

MarzGurl: Did you say something?

8 Bit Mickey: *nervous* Oh, God. no. I'm deathly afraid of you!

MarzGurl looks up and then punches him as we cut back to Joe and Chris.

Chris Larios: Looks like a solid team you've got there.

Joe: Yes, indeed.

Chris Larios: However, there've been a few reports that you're acting a little gun crazy.

Joe: WHO SAID THAT?! *shoots cameraman and then a test pattern appears.*

Cut to Benzaie flipping through a folder.

Chris Larios: But, an invasion seems unlikely thanks to good relations kept by the Head of Immigration, Benzaie.

Cut to Benzaie on the phone.

Benzaie: What do you mean you can't understand me? I'm French. It's the language of love! If you can't understand me, then you can't understand love! *pause* Hold on, let me confer you to my second in command. *hands phone to Beary*.

Beary: Hey! You think you got it rough?! I had two bombs tied to my body and was blown into two separate pieces. There's not enough stitches in the world to cover the emotional pain I'm going through. *Hangs up.* Prick.

Cut to Chris Larios talking with Cinema Snob.

Chris Larios: Every nation needs a treasurer and Kickassia has The Cinema Snob, who I understand also designed the flag for Kickassia. True?

Brad: It is, Chris. And for a nation like Kickassia, I figured that we really needed a real kick-ass flag.

Brad reveals the flag.

Brad: That's why I came up with a musclebound iced cream cone carrying machine guns and shooting laser beams out his eyes. Because when people look at that, all they can say is "KICK ASS!".

Chris Larios: Well, it looks like you guys don't have a flagpole yet.

Brad: Well, we weren't exactly sure how to get their flag down and ours up. So, we're just using Handsome Tom as our flagpole.

Cut to Handsome Tom atop a building and holding the flag.

Chris: I must say. He doesn't look very happy.

Brad: *cut to Tom's face as he sighs.* He's not, Chris. *Chris chuckles.* He's definitely not.

Cut to Molossian citizens saluting the flag.

''Cut to Chris talking to Lee. Lee is obviously ignoring him as he explores being 3D.''

Chris Larios: And there's also the concern of preserving nature. But, no worries, as Lee from Still Gaming has taken over as head of the Environmental Protection Agency. *Lee looks at his hands in amazement.* Tell me, Lee, what is your plan for saving all the cute little bunnies?

Lee: I'm sorry. I'm just still getting over the fact that I'm three dimensional. *waves arms around* I can move with fluid motion! I can touch. *touches his face* I can feel. *touches Chris's face* This is what I've been missing all this time. *gets uncomfortably close to Chris*

Chris Larios: And there are others looking out for the well-being of Kickassia.

Lee: You feel beautiful!

Cut to Bennett looking at a clipboard.

Chris Larios: Take Sage for example. He is making sure everyone is in good shape acting as *he taps his chin with his uzi.* Kickassia's Surgeon General.

Bennett: In my short time as Surgeon General here in Kickassia, I've made two amazing medical discoveries. One: When holding an uzi *holds up uzi*, you will not die.

Chris Larios: Really? And How does that work exactly?

Bennett: I'm holding one and I'm alive. Science proven. *looks at clipboard* Secondly, our research has shown that dieting and exercise does *not* help build healthy bodies. So, that's why I have encouraged everyone here to start smoking.

''Cut to Kickassian citizens smoking and choking. JewWario collapses.''

Bennett: Studies show that smoking does well to strengthen the body and prevent cancer, especially pregnant women.

Chris Larios: Your studies show that?

Bennett: Oh yes. Right here on this *looks at upside down clipboard* chart? *turns it over* Hmm. Heh. What do ya know? *chuckles* I had this darn thing upside down. Oh. That's hilarious.

Cuts to Paw as a shock jock.

Chris Larios: But, not everyone in Kickassia is questionably insane. Take for example, Paw, the local shockjock radio DJ.

Paw: *shouts in angry tone* And while the bigwigs are up on the hill with their fancy hats and their capes, look down at the small people, with oppression, with taxation, with sexual repression, don't even get me started on the sexual repression! Take a stand people! Oppose the big people with the fancy fucking hats!

Chris Larios: So, what exactly about the Kickassian government bothers you so?

Paw: Well, nothing really. It's just that people agree with angry hosts on the radio, it makes them feel better about themselves. So, in my own way. I'm helping the people's morale. *Chris looks towards camera and shifts his eyes awkwardly, as if to question how that would work.*

Cuts to Spoony working in the field.

Chris Larios: Another person keeping up the morale is Spoony who is now head officer for science and technology.

Spoony: Yeah, at first we didn't have much in the science department. In fact, the original space program was just *shows a pump rocket launching* a stomp rocket. But, I'm certain we can get things to a more legitimate level.

Chris Larios: Hey! Weren't you that crazy scientist before?

Spoony: Uh...I...I...I don't know what you're talking about.

Chris Larios: Yeah. You wore the goggles. Th-

Spoony: *grabs Chris* NO! *lets go* I mean...I was before, but, *turns around* that was the past.

Chris Larios: Well there is someone in this nation that still does well to keep order and justice in hand.

Cuts to Chris and Linkara talking.

Chris Larios: This is Linkara. Head of the FBI. *turns to Linkara, who is surveying the area.* Tell me, Linkara, what are you going to do to keep this nation safe?

Linkara: Well, it's all about surprise to fool our enemy. We are trying to find those who are best able to blend into their environment. For example, *steps back* We have discovered that JewWario *motions to the air next to him* here has a natural talent for camouflage. *turns to Chris and looks back.* Isn't that right, JewWario?

JewWario: Yup.

Chris Larios: But, do you really think stealth and surprise are going to be enough to keep your enemies on their toes?

Linkara: Oh, yes. It's all about illusion. For example, I'm not even in front of you.

''Cut to Chris holding the mic out and Linkara's behind him. Chris then turns around, startled.''

Chris Larios: Oh! Very good. *Linkara walks off, happy.* Well, we all know what goes on outside the government building. Let's see what goes on inside the government building. *He extends his arm and hits JewWario.*

JewWario: OW!

Chris Larios: Sorry!

Cut to Phelous and Chris, talking.

Chris Larios: This is Secretary of State Phelous. Tell me, Phelous, what does a normal day entail for you?

Phelous: Well, mostly I come up with brilliant ideas and The Nostalgia Critic then slaps me and claims them as his own. *Scene of NC slapping Phelous after bringing him an idea.*

Chris Larios: Does that pay well?

Phelous: No. But, it sure does hurt a lot.

Cuts to Chris talking to Lindsay as the camera pans up to her dressed exactly like Sarah Palin.

Chris Larios: But behind every great man is a woman. And presumably behind her another man. But in the case of the Nostalgia Chick, that is not so.

NChick *speaking like Palin*: Well, he is a maverick to say the least. No matter what his decision might be, and whatever we disagree on. I still stand right by him.

Chris Larios: On what issues do you disagree with?

NChick: Well, like our foreign policy experience with Nevada.

Chris Larios: You. *points at N-chick* You have had foreign policy experience with Nevada?

NChick: You betcha. *smiles and points at Chris*

Chris Larios: *in questioning tone as he raises his eyebrow at her* In what way?

NChick: Well, if you look right outside. Nevada is right out there. You can see it from here.

Chris Larios: *looks at her awkwardly, then the camera, then back at her* Indeed. And where do you guys get your information on current events? Do you read the papers or-

NChick: Yes, I-that's it. I read the papers.

Chris Larios: *with raised eyebrow* Which ones?

NChick: *hesitant* All of them *pauses* ish.

Chris Larios: *looks at camera and back at N-Chick* Well, there's also talk that Nostalgia Critic wants to push for more regulation and you want less. In which way does he want more that you haven't agreed with?

NChick: Oh *hesitant* You know.

Chris Larios: Actually, no. I don't.

NChick: Well, when I find an answer, I'll get right back to ya. *smiles*

Chris Larios: And finally, in the past you have been known as a smart, edgy, opinionated woman. But, recently you've been labeled *holds up paper* "an idiotic, dumb Ox, that is playing naive and innocent in order to sneak into the president seat." *places paper down* What's your opinion on that?

NChick: *downtrodden* This world is filled with cruel, cold-hearted people. They don't maintain the same standard of niceness that I try to maintain. Am I not nice?

Chris Larios: Yes, you are very nice.

NChick: So, why would they say such a thing?

Chris Larios: *hold up paper again* Probably the idiotic, dumb Ox part I just mentioned.

NChick: I would presume that it's because I'm a woman. *points to self* And prejudice is alive and well in this world.

Chris Larios: But, MarzGurl is a woman.

NChick: *snickers* Sure she is and I'm the tooth fairy.

Cut to Chris standing with NC.

Chris Larios: And now for the moment you've all been waiting for! An interview with the man himself! The man who made Kickassia possible! President Nostalgia Critic!

NC, who is speaking in an over the top voice: GREETINGS, Chris!

Chris Larios: Mr. Critic, what are your plans now for this new, glorious nation?

NC: Well, first, we plan on taking over the neighbors down the street. We've *leans* sent them pamphlets. Then, we plan on taking over Nevada. America. And then the world.

Chris Larios: Ah. And how do you plan on accomplishing this exactly?

NC: A gentleman never tells. But, I can give you a hint! It involves *leans* killing.

Chris Larios: Indeed. Mr Critic, what about the fact that you keep the old president of this country alive and working for you? *points to Fritz von Baugh working on something.*

NC: Oh. Ho. That's not the president! That's Fritz von Baugh, Minister of Keeping Things Orderly. *Chris shakes his head.* I don't know. I'm just going with it.

Chris Larios: Well, thank you very much for your time, Mr. Critic.

NC: Not at all, Chris. *he turns to walk away*.

Chris Larios: OH! And one more thing! Mr. Critic, would you say your diabolical plan is to take over the world?

NC: *dramatic turn* NATURALLY!

Chris Larios: *looks down* Well, then would you say your plan is to one day conquer the galaxy?

NC: *dramatic turn* EVENTUALLY!

Chris Larios: *looks at his notes again and scratches his head.* OH! Mr. Critic, do you plan on some day being bigger than God?

NC: *dramatic turn* Of...that question you can definitely say yes.

Chris Larios: *looks away, annoyed and gets an idea.* Say, Critic, do you get a lot of pussy with that outfit?

NC: *dramatic turn* OF COURSE!

Chris Larios: *relieved* Thank you. This has been Chris Larios reporting from Kickassia.

''Scene changes to the Kickassian Flag overlayed with NChick firing a gun. We also cut to Brad talking to NC as he is watching TV.''

Brad: I gotta say Critic, our financial situation isn't looking good. Of the money we have left, it doesn't look like we're going to be able to accomplish nearly what we had in mind.

NC: *turns to Brad* Quiet! Can't you see I am watching Hogan's Heroes?

Brad: But, Critic, this is important stuff. We-

NC: SILENCE! I have a new rule! Every day at four o'clock PM *quick shot of Brad, annoyed* shall be Hogan's Heroes time and everyone shuts up and watches Hogan's Heroes. All those in favor say AYE! AYE! Motion passes. Go away.

Brad: Fine. But, don't come to me when-*pause* You know what? Just don't come to me. *he walks off*.

Phelous enters.

Phelous: Excuse me, Critic. I couldn't help but overhear you're having trouble with our financial situation.

NC: *in bored tone* Is this Hogan's Heroes related?

Phelous: I just thought it would be a good idea to start charging for tourism. You know, T-shirts, postcards, and such.

NC: Nah, that's stupid.

Phelous': *sarcastically* Oh, okay then. *silently counts down from three on his fingers, pointing at NC as soon as he says...*

NC: Wait! *raises hand* I have an idea!

Phelous: *sarcastic tone* What could that be? *puts hands to his face and looks shocked*

NC: To increase our financial status, we shall charge for tourism. T-shirts, postcards. Think of it, Phelous.

Phelous: I already have.

NC: Then make it so. I have spoken.

Phelous: *rolls eyes and walks off*

Cut to Phelous and Fritz talking.

Fritz Von Baugh: Why do you let him take your ideas like that?

Phelous: I don't know, because he's the president and stuff.

Fritz Von Baugh: Well, wouldn't you want to know what's that like?

Phelous: Hmph, yeah sure.

Fritz Von Baugh: Wouldn't you? *walks away*

Phelous: *looks at camera in dramatic pose*

''Cut to Film Brain talking to NC. He's over the couch as NC continues to watch TV.''

Film Brain: The plans for your rocket chair are in, sir!

NC: Excellent! Do they have the little beer holders on the sides?

Film Brain: *shakes head* Sure do.

NC:*monotone* Cool.

Film Brain rushes around and sits next to Critic, smiling.

Film Brain: Hey, Nostalgia Critic, We're pals, right? Huh? Huh? We're pals. *rubs hands.*

NC: Yes, Film Brain! We are indeed pals!

Film Brain: Yes. *rubs hands* Because, this is what pals do right? Sit on sofas and watch Hogan's Heroes and stuff, right?

NC: The things you have just said are true.

Film Brain: Say. I was thinking. In my next movie review. Would you ah like to do a cameo and-

NC: Film reviews? *holds up hand* We do not do film reviews any more!

Film Brain: We don't? *is unsure.* Well, umm, what do we do? NC: We sit back! And acknowledge the fact that we have our own nation!

Film Brain: Oh. How long are we doing that for?

NC: *turns to Film Brain* Forever, Film Brain. Forever. *voice echoed.*

Film Brain: *is shocked.* Oh. Say, do you ever get tired of doing that voice?

NC: Nonsense! This is the voice of the Gods! A voice that demands honor and justice everywhere he g-*voices changes to normal.* A little bit. Yeah. *Film Brain shakes his head*

''Cut to Cinema Snob going over paperwork. Benzaie enters''

Benzaie: Cinema Snob! What's up? *he sits down.*

Cinema Snob: *annoyed voice* Ugh. These stupid finances. We've got no money because Nostalgia DICKLESS over there won't do anything.

Benzaie: Well, I'm sure he's building up to something.

Cinema Snob: *annoyed* Pfft. Like what? Watching more Hogan's Heroes?

Benzaie: No, I think at five Full House comes on.

Cinema Snob': But that's what I mean. He does nothing. It's like the job of the president is to be removed from reality while everyone else does the work.

Benzaie: Yeah. I imagine that.

Fritz Von Baugh walks in.

Fritz Von Baugh: If that was the case, why don't you be in charge?

Cinema Snob: What?

Fritz Von Baugh: I'm just saying. You know you are more qualified, why couldn't you be president? Hey I'm just thinking out loud. I'm sure both know what you're doing.

''He leaves, leaving Snob and Benzaie to ponder and look at the ceiling. The scene shifts to Linkara and military force.''

Linkara: *paces back and forth in front of line of 8-bit Mickey, Lee, and Jew Wario* Alright men, you make wonderful agents as well as soldiers. But today we're going to teach you the element of surprise. *slaps Jew Wario in the face* Surprise!

JewWario: *hits back*

Linkara: *points at him* You're learning.

Angry Joe: *walks up to him* So, Linkara. How goes it? *MarzGurl walks in.*

Linkara: Pretty well. I was just teaching these men the element of surprise.

MarzGurl: Have you punched them yet?

Linkara: After lunch.

Some paper falls down and lands near Linkara's foot.

Angry Joe: Hey Linkara, What's that on your leg?

Linkara: *looks down with Angry Joe and Marzgurl, before picking up the paper* It's a receipt- *looks surprised and sounds confused* for twenty tons of dynamite?

Angry Joe: Who-

Marz: Signed for it?

Linkara: *looks over receipt/paper* The Nostalgia Critic.

Camera zooms in on Linkara as far off, Fritz von Baugh watches them.

MarzGurl: What's he doing getting dynamite?

Linkara: I don't know, but it can't be good.

Angry Joe: We have to tell somebody about this.

Jew Wario: You mean like the Nostalgia Critic?

Everyone: NO!

Fritz von Baugh walks away.