Kissing Cousins

[In the living room, Danny dons a martial arts outfit and wants Joey's help.]

Danny: OK, Joey, here we go. Please, uh, come at me with this banana.

Joey: Danny, look, I know you're really into this self-defense class, but I highly doubt that you're gonna get attacked by some crazed fruit vendor.

Danny: Come on, I gotta practice my disarm-and-disable move.

Joey: Alright, OK. [He takes the banana as Danny goes into martial arts mode, then he goes into a martial-arts-movie mode, making Chinese language-like sounds. Then, he lunges forward as Danny puts his hand up, only to have the banana splatter onto his face. Danny grabs a towel and wipes himself clean.]

Danny: I think I'd better work on that move.

[After Jesse explains Papouli's funeral, he has a surprise for them.]

Jesse: On a happier note, I've brought a surprise back from the old country that you guys are gonna love.

Michelle: A pony?

Danny: Michelle, no. A pony's a little too difficult to store in the overhead compartment [of an airplane].

Jesse: No, you guys are gonna love this. Stavros!

[And right on cue, the "surprise" comes in.]

Stavros: Surprise!

Jesse: Everybody, this is the surprise: my cousin Stavros from Greece.

Michelle: I hope you didn't have to fit him in the overhead compartment.

[Stavros, Stephanie, and Michelle return home from a trip to the race track.]

Joey: Hey, guys.

Danny: Hey. [kisses Michelle] So, where did you take Stavros sight-seeing?

Joey: Golden Gate Bridge? Fisherman's Wharf?

Michelle: The race track.

Danny: You took Stavros to the race track?

Stephanie: No, he took us.

Danny: [looking shocked] Stavros took you to the track?

[We cut to the open fridge, where Stavros is drinking orange juice...out of the carton!]

Stavros: Track is very educational. [He burps, and then tells Michelle to...] Tell Papa what you learned.

Michelle: Don't bet your tooth fairy money on a long shot.

[She and Stephanie head upstairs to their room, but little do they know that the troubles are just starting to unravel. Once they're completely upstairs, Stavros walks over to the table with the orange juice carton in hand and sits with Joey and Danny.]

Stavros: Thanks for use of car, Dan. I parked right in gray spot, right in front of little rocketship, where dogs go pee-pee. [He returns Danny's car keys.]

Danny: Rocketship where dogs go pee-pee... fire hydrant! [He walks out and is just about to move his car when something crosses his mind regarding the orange juice carton...] Do me a favor... don't put that back in the fridge.

[In the living room, the doorbell rings, and D.J. gets the door.]

D.J.: Who ordered pizza?

Stavros: I ordered for everybody.

D.J.: Oh, great. Cool.

Steve: Cool.

Pizza man: That'll be 20 bucks.

Stavros: I'll get it.

Steve: Uh, Stavros, don't you owe that guy 20 bucks?

Stavros: Oh, I only have s. D.J., be gemstone and pick this one up.

D.J.: [pulling a $20 bill out of her wallet and giving it to the pizza man] Well, that cleans me out. Anyone got a tip?

Kimmy: Here's a tip: if you tickle me with a feather duster, I'll purr like. [She pays the tip.] Thanks, bye.

Stavros: [motioning to the teens] Kiddies. [He then opens the box, and the teens wave away the odors and hold their noses.]

D.J.: Oh! Smells like something crawled in there and died!

Steve: They should've delivered that thing in a lead box.

Stavros: Double feta cheese and lamb guts. Enjoy!

Kimmy: Uh, Deej, we'd love to stay, but...

Steve: But I'm gonna hurl. [They go out the front door.]

Stavros: [pretends to wipe tears off his face] Beautiful.

Becky: Well, it's just a carrot.

Stavros: Anyone ever tell you you carve vegetables like.... Greek goddess?

Becky: No, not recently.

Stavros: You smell... poppin' fresh.

Becky: Well, I was just at the gym, and I just rubbed on some Ben-Gay.

Stavros: This been lucky guy.

[He gets too close to Becky - in fact, a little too close.]

Becky: Hey! [She hits him with the carrot.]

Stavros: Sorry, you smell so good. I-- I-- I-- just can't control. Bad nose! Bad nose!

Becky: Stavros [pointing the carrot at him as a "weapon"], keep your nose out of my business.

Stavros: Sorry. I'll respect nose. Has mind of its own. Bad nose. Bad, bad nose! Bad nose! [He goes upstairs, but little does she and the rest of the family know that he's got more than just a "bad nose".]

[While D.J. sits in the living room looking grudgingly at the awful pizza, the rest of the family (and Comet) come downstairs.]

Joey: Hey look, gang, pizza.

[They open the box and try not to gag as they hold their noses and wave away the odors.]

Stephanie: When did they start using dirty laundry as a topping?

[Comet goes up to smell it.]

D.J.: Well, at least there's one happy customer. [Comet backs up and gives an unhappy sound.] Or not.

[As he hurries out of the living room and into the kitchen, the rest of the family gathers, with Danny coming out from the kitchen side and Becky coming out from the laundry room side.]

Danny: Guys, I am not a happy camper. Look at this! I got a parking ticket for parking next to a fire hydrant. Stavros just cost me 65 bucks.

Joey: Well, he cost me 20 bucks and my watch.

D.J.: Wait, he had 20 bucks?! [She points at the pizza] He cost me 20 bucks for that hot... goat on dough!

Becky: Well, he hustles more than just money. When I was in the kitchen with him, he tried to hit on me.

Stephanie: Wow, Stavros is a sleazebag!

Danny: Well, he does have one good quality: He's leaving Thursday at 9:18 a.m.

Jesse: [coming downstairs] Hey, what do you guys think of Stavros? Isn't he a great guy?

Everyone else: Yeah. Great.

Danny: Yeah, it's a shame he has to leave so soon.

Michelle: Thursday, 9:18 a.m.

Jesse: Well, I don't know, guys. I've got great news. Now, get this: Because Stavros loves America and all you guys so much, he's thinking about moving here. I figured that since everyone gets along so well, I've asked him to stay here and live here until he gets settled. What do you guys think?

[No one wants to answer that (because the truth would hurt him).]

[After the break...]

Danny: Jess, I don't know if Stavros staying here is such a good idea.

Jesse: Danny, it's OK. I know what your concern is: Stavros used your razor to shave his chest, but I'll talk to him about it.

Danny: No, that's not it – he did what?

Joey: Jess, the guy's a con man. He's been hustling us ever since he got here.

Jesse: Con man? I can't believe what you guys are saying. Now, when I lived in Greece, Stavros treated me like a brother, and he's family. You insult Stavros, you insult me.

Becky: Listen, Jess. Stavros made a pass at me. I had to hit him with a carrot.

Jesse: Honey, it's OK. He told me about it. It's all a big misunderstanding. He's Greek. You know how Greeks are. They're passionate, they're physical. I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it.

[The dance-a-thon at the Smash Club has just wrapped up, and Stavros continues to rake in cash for his latest scam.]

Stavros: OK, dance-a-thon over! [applause] OK, time to put money where my hand is. [He gestures to the money box, then proceeds to grab more cash from unsuspecting patrons; while he does so, he tosses his jacket, and it lands on Michelle, covering her. As soon as Stephanie throws the jacket off, both she and Michelle discover an envelope on the floor, and pick it up.]

Stephanie: What's this? [She opens it up.] A plane ticket?! [D.J. passes by, and they immediately show it to her.] Deej, look! Stavros is flying to Orlando, Florida tonight.

[Becky shows up.]

Becky: Hey, girls.

D.J.: [shows the ticket] Aunt Becky, you might be interested in this. Stavros is flying to Orlando tonight.

Becky: Oh, no. I bet this whole mudslide thing is just another one of his scams. By tomorrow, he's gonna be cruising the Magic Kingdom trying to get Tinker Bell's phone number!

Stephanie: [sighs] We'd better tell Uncle Jesse.

Becky: You know Uncle Jesse feels about Stavros, Steph. He's not gonna believe us. We're gonna have to prove it to him, and you know what? I think I have a way to do it. Come here. [She and the girls get into a huddle, and she whispers her plan to them.]

[During the sting, there's a knock on the door. Becky opens it up, and Michelle's there.]

Becky: [angrily] How come you're not Jesse in a jealous rage?

Michelle: Maybe it's because we couldn't hear you?

Becky: I probably should turn the microphone on.

Michelle: Probably.

[Michelle leaves as Becky closes the door, figuring out enough of a distraction to allow her to turn the mic on.]

Becky: Stavros... your loafer's untied. [While he bends down to tie his shoe, she quickly removes the mic, flips it on (complete with "click" sound), and puts it back in the rose vase.]

[Towards the end of the sting, Stavros and Becky discuss their plan.]

Stavros: We go off to Florida tonight... Why are you sticking flowers in my face?

Becky: So everyone can hear you!

[He sticks his hand inside the rose vase, and is surprised at what he pulls out.]

Stavros: A microphone! [He exits, but then...] Does this mean you don't want to go? [She grabs the mic as he finally makes his exit.]

Becky: [speaking into the mic] Jess! [cut to the on-stage speakers] If you're listening, here he comes!

[Stavros then dashes to the stage and grabs the cash box, but Danny stops him.]

Danny: Hold it! [He uses the martial arts skills he practiced earlier and also makes a series of sounds similar to what Joey did earlier, causing Stavros to throw the box into his hands. At the same time, when he tries to escape, Joey stops him too.]

Stephanie: Get him, Uncle Jesse!

[Stavros tries to find another escape route, but that attempt lands him into the arms of his cousin, who throws him over his shoulders, and Joey and Danny grab him.]

Jesse: Alright, guys. Let him go. [They do.]

Jesse: Stavros, how could you do this to me? To my family? I trusted you, man. I looked up to you.

Stavros: Oh, look at you. All I'm hearing in Greece is about Jesse in America. How wonderful job is, beautiful wife, perfect family.

Jesse: All right, maybe I do have all that. But I didn't get it by stealing—I worked for it. Maybe that's something you should try.

Stavros: I did try. I worked very, very hard. Worst day of my life.

Jesse: You hurt me, Stavros. You may be family, but you're outta here. I'm sorry, guys.

Danny: It's OK, Jess. Come on, Stavros. You've got a plane to catch.

Michelle: Thursday, 9:18. Be there!

Danny: Let's go. [He and Joey escort Stavros out of the Smash Club.]

Jesse: [to the family, as Becky walks over to him] I'm sorry, guys. I should've listened to you. [to the patrons] And everybody, I'm gonna make sure you get your money back.

D.J.: Or you could give to a really good cause, like the children's hospital.

Jesse: That's a good idea, Deej. What do you guys think? [Everyone applauds the decision.]

Jesse: Oh, I'm sorry, Beck. I should've listened to you about Stavros.

Becky: Well, when you care about someone, sometimes it's hard to see the truth.