Chili Snakes

1 Ugh. Hello? Stop calling here, wolf! I'm not gonna have sex with you again! Ugh. [HOWLING.] Huh? Abigail, I'm scared. Hold me. Abigail? Listen up! Abigail's gone missing. I want you to search every house, dollhouse, and doll apartment in old town. Dribble, dribble, dribble. By my calculations, my best chance to beat your sorry ass is a 3-point sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh Come on, blade. Just take the damn shot. Shot. Swish. Aww, man. Whoops. I'll get it. Your chili smells good, mom. What are all the ingredients? Well, I can't tell you one of them, Tommy, because one of them's a secret. - Secret, huh? - Ah! Maybe this will change your mind. BLADE: Come here, basketball. Aww. You cannot escape me. Get back here! Gasp. A caveman. Fa la la la la. Look, mrs. Pickles, a cat. Yeow! Help, I'm stuck! Ugh! There you go. Now, Tommy, try not to get stuck in anything else. - Ohh! - Tommy, no! Ooh. Huh? Ohh. Caveman, you will be my best friend. Dribble, dribble. Aww. Your state-of-the-art chili factory. Oh, my. We're gonna make millions Of gallons of chili! - In there! - Wow! I'm glad you like my chili so much. What? No, it's disgusting. But my pet snakes will love it. Ohh! Excuse me? Have you seen my son? He's stuck in some dolphins. La la la la la. Oh, look, a turkey. Hey, Sheriff! We got something, yo! Sheriff: Abigail? Who would do this to you? Mrs. Pickles! Huh? She's evil! [GROANS.] she ate my sock! Not today, grandpa. We got bigger problems. Also, the school is on fire. - Huh? - Ahh! Help! I'm stuck! - Oh, damn! - Sheriff! Tommy's stuck in a snake! Tommy, come back here. Sheriff. Somebody stole my caveman. Ohh, I got a lot of work to do. - Sheriff! - Huh? Some siamese twin supermodel clowns are stealing all of old town's mattresses. What? Sheriff, I found where the siamese twin supermodel clowns be taking all the mattresses to Mattress island, yo! - Is she dead? - Well, she's not alive. No! 'Cause she's a doll. But these markings They're satanic. The bad kind. Once dethawed, this caveman will make all the chili. What? Well, him and all the other cavemen I've stolen today. [ALL CHANTING "CHILI!".] Tommy, where are you? Oh, darn it. I'm out of gas. Floyd? Need a ride? You can force me to make some other chili, but you'll never force me to reveal my secret ingredient. Cavemen, growl at her! No! No! - Ahh! - She's in trouble. I know what I need to do. I need a new hairdo. Hey! You find that ball yet? Sheriff: Goodbye, Abigail. [CRIES.] Ahh! Abigail? Linda, help! Oh, hey, look, a frog! LINDA: Huh? Ahh! Ugh! Cheers to the best pop star in the world. Ahh! We're going down! Help, I'm stuck in a turkey that's stuck in a frog! [YELLING.] Whew. I'm no longer stuck. Ahh! You're stuck in a well, just like us. Aww. [DOORBELL RINGS.] Why, hello there. Tommy? Where are you? - Help! - Help! - Help! - Your voices! They're beautiful! ALL: Help! We're stuck in a well! Well, now you're gonna be stuck in a record contract. Is there any siamese twin supermodel clowns in here that have been stealing all these mattresses? Damn. Y'all mattress-stealing siamese twin supermodel clowns is fine. Hey, what's up? Y'all trying to get down? Ha ha, yeah! Sheriff, where the heck is my mattress? Yeah, where the heck is his mattress? - Sheriff, come in. - Goodman! - I need help finding Tommy. - I'm busy. Sheriff, I need your help getting into this bikini. What? - Sheriff, I don't know why I'm here. [ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.] Everybody! Just slow down! Ugh. I got a lot of work to do. - Sheriff. - Mama? - Who's that? - He's your son. What? Hoooooow did I never know how great it was to have a son, wolf boy? What's that? You miss living in the woods? And you love me? Well, I love you, too. Chip chilton here, with record producer flippy popperflop, who discovered the boyz 'n' a well! We're boys, and we're stuck in a well We're singing our song called "stuck in a well" Stuck in a record contract, as well Oh, well We sing well We're the boys in a well, well, well Look, y'all my dream girls! You're supermodels, siamese, clowns, you talk dirty. [FART NOISES.] No, I can't just keep bumping uglies with y'all all day. I got work! The town needs me, yo! [FART NOISES.] All right, one more time But only if y'all return these mattresses after we done! MAN: Where's my mattress, Sheriff? My memory foam's gonna forget me. Goodman: Sheriff, help! Tommy's still missing! Sheriff, the print on this menu is too small. Can you read it to me? [ALL SHOUTING.] Everybody, just shut the [BLEEP.] up! I can't take this anymore. I quit. - Crap! - What? I'm going to live in the woods with my son, wolf boy. Bye, Abigail. See you later, or whatevs. Now, I might not know much about being a father, but one thing's for sure I got a lot of work to do. Ahh! You can't leave me, Sheriff! Abigail, no! - Ohh! - Time to die! Abigail, who did this to you? You did. You're a forgetful wizard. What? I don't remember being a wizard. Ugh! - Somebody help! - Make the chili! It doesn't have my secret ingredient in it. It doesn't matter. [LAUGHS.] Help! You cavemen want a sexy dance? Ugh! Abigail, how'd we get in the sewer? And what's this wand do? [Abigail LAUGHING.] Oh, no. Hey! Where you at with the ball, man! Do you cavemen like what you see? Blade, stop stripping. You're distracting my cavemen. They have chili to make. Blade, I'm free! Let's go! Oh, no! Snakes! Blade, stop dancing. The cavemen they're getting too excited. Oh, no! Snakes and chili! Chili snakes! [HOWLS.] Tommy? Tommy! Chili snakes? Now, who's ready to hear the boyz 'n' a well? We're boys who are stuck in a well Sing well We're the boys in a well, well, well - Tommy! - Huh? - There you are. - Go away, dad! I'm stuck in a well! Well, now you're stuck with me, son. [SCREAMS.] Those chili snakes are evil! We're doomed! Wait, who's that? BOTH: The siamese twin supermodel clowns! And dispatch? He just saved us all. With a wall of mattress. [CHEERING.] Yeah, it's your boy, dispatch! I'm a hero! Ha ha! What's happening now? Oh, oh, oh! [ROARS.] I'm going to kill some people! Hey, Abigail, become smaller! Spow! Oh, great. I just turned her into a giant crab named "Crabigail. " I'm the worst wizard. There was so much to do today, and everything just keeps getting more bad. What's wrong with this wand? I'll fix it. Be right back. Swish. Oh. Good game, blade. I'm back. The wand just needed her secret ingredient Love. What? Aw, come on. The world's flipping upside down! Blade, what's happening? Uh-oh. I guess love failed. We have now entered an upside down hell dimension instead. Ugh. I got a lot of work to do. Run around town Stealin' and killin' Hella get down What [INDISTINCT.] 'Cause momma named me Sheriff Yeah, momma Momma And don't forget it Oh, no, I better go Momma Momma named me Sheriff Momma named me Sheriff So, then we're supposed to figure out why the town is upside down, why Sheriff's a wizard, and where Crabigail is? Yeah, I don't remember any of those things ever happening. Dispatch, what's up with these assignments? Ha ha, yo! I just added all this stuff to spice things up a bit. This town is boring, yo! [BOTH GROAN.] Oh, but Tommy is stuck in a well for real, though. [GASPS.] Tommy! M-o-m-m-a Momma named me Sheriff Momma named me Sheriff Momma named me Sheriff Momma, momma, momma, momma named me Sheriff She named me Sheriff.