Kiss Kiss, Cam Cam

1 [ Sighs ] So, the people at Buzzfeed are abuzz about my article. I had no idea you were a writer. Oh, I don't know dick about writing, but "The top 12 dog haircuts of the '90s" -- I know many dicks' worth about that. Hey there, birthday girl! Hello yourself, Mr. Birthday girl. This year I bought you not one, but 81 birthday presents. And I'll give you a hint, it's Americaâs favorite thing. 81 bald eagles? No, but remember that one for my birthday. Happy early birthday, Stan. [ Eagles caw ] [ Laughs ] [ Majestic music plays ] [ Eagle caws ] [ Moaning ] What happened? You were about to tell me about my birthday present, then made bird noises, got an erection, and started tongue-kissing the air. Right, like I said, I got you 81 presents -- season tickets to the Washington nationals. But, Stan, I don't even like baseball. Oh, your gigantic smile is thanks enough. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere I need to be. [ Making whooshing noises ] Now, where were we -- What?! I was gone two minutes and you invite Hank over? You've crossed the wrong guy, Hank! Ugh! [ Groans ] I give! You're so much stronger than you look, Hank. Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the American race oh, boy, it's swell to say good -- good morning, U. S. A. I have everything I need to enjoy the game -- authentic jersey, glove for foul balls, and the lyrics to "Y'All Ready For This?" So I don't forget them like a fool when everyone's singing it. [ Sighs ] Wonderful. Yep, seems like you got everything you need, except a happy wife. Francine likes baseball. She just doesn't know it yet. For as long as I can remember, Francine and I have shared all the same interests -- scotch and cigars with the fellas, jokin' around with the guys, poker night with the boys. Oh, and supercharged snowmobiles. With the boys. It's not safe to ride alone. Francine doesn't do any of that stuff. Don't you see? You're growing apart. Ororwe're growing even closer together. Haven't you heard the phrase "opposites attract"? Nope. You -- really? Hmm. I'll need help explaining this. [ Knocking at door ] Thanks for coming on such short notice, MC Skat Kat. No bigs. We gonna do this. You know it. Baby, seems we never ever agree you like the movies, and I like TV I take things seriously -- Right. Got it. I remember this song. And I remember this cat, Garfield. This son of a bitch hates Mondays. But opposites don't attract. People don't work that way. He's right. But, Stan, seriously, have you heard anything about that janitorial job? I mean, I'm barely getting by -- Excellent. Let's hang out soon. Damn it. Okay. Opposites don't attract, but samesies do. What are me and Francine's samesies? There's got to be something we share! Uh, Stan, he didn't leave. He just ducked down in the bushes. Yeah, how do you think he got here so fast? Huge cookie time, huge cookie time I call first bite! I call last bite! [ Both blowing ] [ Doorbell rings ] I got it. Be a doll and keep blowin' on that thing. We're looking for Burt Jarvis? Nope, not here. Never heard of him. Well, this is his address. We've sent him letters, we've called. If he ever turns up here, please, tell him his people need help. Everyone's getting sick. [ Coughs ] What a story. If we see him, we'll tell him. [ Sighs ] Roger. What were those sick people talking about? What? Those two broads? They're clearly hung up on some guy who's not feeling it. Huge cookie time! No, Roger, it's huge honesty time. Okay, okay. My Burt Jarvis persona ran for -- and won -- a seat in the Nevada state legislature. You see, in Nevada, senators eat free at casino buffets, but it does not include drinks, so I abandoned the character. [ Laughs ] You wouldn't believe all the letters I still get about "poison water this" and "poison-water that. " I mean, who even drinks water anymore? Grab a Coke zero, am I right? Roger, those people need Burt Jarvis! We have to help them! You just want a free trip to Carson City, don't you? Carson City. [ Flourish ] Wow. All right, fine. We can go. But since you're in such a hurry [ Gulp ] Ugh! What happened? I threw up, but the cookie blocked it. I'm getting hit from every angle here. Here we are, Francine -- the ballpark. If you thought parking in the faraway cheap lot and maneuvering through gang violence was thrilling, just wait until the first pitch! Whatever, Stan. Can we please get something to eat? Of course! We both share a love of eating! So, what can I get you? I'll have a large spaghetti. They, uh, they don't have that. Okay, I'll have a medium spaghetti. Look, how about I get you my favorite snack -- a ballpark frank? I hate hot dogs. They remind me of uncircumcised penises. And you know I don't stand for no wormies. Oh, uh, well, forget about food. Let's go find a memento to share. Shouldn't be hard. My personal favorite -- the bobblehead. Ew, creepy. Their proportions are all wrong, like little Christina Riccis. How about these gender-neutral pink baseball caps? Haha! You're hilarious. [ Laughs ] [ Indistinct cheering ] Hey, I know something we agree on. Hot guys. Check out Jayson Werth in right field. He's got ass for days. I think you're hotter than he is. Can't we agree on anything?! Compared to that fresh cut of meat, I'm a double-scoop of dog shit! All right, Steve, I drafted a bill proposing drinking water not be poisonous. Now, let's drop it off and hit the road. Well, if it isn't Burt Jarvis! Lookin' good, old friend. Say, we got to get you and Carla up to the lake house. You wouldn't believe the size of the trout this season, and are they a-bitin'. I hear you've been working on a clean water bill. Now, this is a nice piece of legislation. A noble undertaking indeed. It's a shame no one got to see it. My best to Carla. Did you hear that? I'm gonna get to go fishing! Roger, you can't just back down! People are counting on you! Are you crazy? That was big john tanner, the most influential politician in Nevada. Who do you think we're talking about -- Little John Tanner? One of the least influential politicians in Nevada? Ahem! I represent the good people of Winnemucca. So to answer your questions -- "John from Cincinnati" is my favorite HBO show, Lycos is my preferred search engine, and when it comes to World War II, I got to go with my boys, the axis powers. Hey, buddy! You and that fascist are on the kiss cam! Show 'em what you got! I will show 'em! This is our moment! [ Smack, both groan ] Woman: You suck! Man: Don't get a room! Man: I kiss my sister with more grace. I thought me and Francine were fine, but we don't share anything. Hell, we couldn't even share a kiss on the kiss cam. 50,000 fans called B. S. on our whole relationship. A group that big is never wrong. That's why it's called "mob mentality," not "mob stupidity. " Just the word "mob" evokes such fairness and justice. I guess it's really over. Bad news, Hayley. Your parents are getting divorced. Now you're gonna have to buy a second headband to keep at Stan's apartment. What is he talking about? I just -- I realized that Francine and I don't have any common ground. Dad, every couple has their differences. Look at me and Jeff. We couldn't be more opposite. She's right, Mr. S. -- like, my favorite song in the world is "Bathtub Gin" by Phish live at Red Rocks. But mine is "Bathtub Gin" by Phish live from Atlantic City. I'm sure you and Mrs. S. were just having an off day. But if you want to strengthen your relationship, that takes time. It requires open communication, a lot of hard work -- Jeffâs right! It must have been an off day. We'll just get back on the kiss cam, show everybody that me and Francine are fine, and then everything else will fall into place! You think you can be on the kiss cam twice? Why not go for three times? Five? 100 times?! You kill us all with your arrogance, Stan! All right, Roger, I'm off to the Hall of Records, see if I can sniff out who's polluting the water. Cool. I actually have a full day of campaigning to do. Elections are coming up, and according to polls, I'm "mysterious missing and presumed dead. " [ Applause ] [ Applause ] [ Gasps ] [ Applause ] [ Cheering ] Stan, how long till this game is over? Okay, you know how it feels like we've been here forever? Well, that was only one inning, so nine times forever. He hasn't even hit our section once. This guy needs a talking to. Stan, while you're up, find out what they're saying after "Da-da-da-da-da-daaaa!" Is it "shards"? [ Cheering ] Whoa! What was that? That was a triple play, which means Arby's has to donate $500 to charity. Good. I hate that place. If Tetradual's the one doing the dumping, we'll know soon enough. Oh, look who finally pipes up. We've been in the car for 20 minutes and that's the first thing you've said. I know. Sorry. Catching up on e-mails from Klaus. Oh, my god. That guy is out of control, right? Does he send you like 10 a day? Yes! And they're all about nothing, like, "How awesome would it be if we both had Corvettes?" But if you don't write back, he flips out. Such a bitch. There it is! It doesn't look so bad to me. They're not gonna be dumping in the open, Roger. More likely underground spill-off is slowly polluting the water table. Whoa! Got to love that Nevada razzle-dazzle. Oh, my god! We've got 'em. [ Sighs ] I should have seen this coming. Why's that? Because I'm the CEO of Tetradual. Uh, excuse me. I was wondering -- wondering if I'll put you on the kiss cam. Well, yes. You see -- I know your story. Johnny Jalopy brings Susie Swiss-Cheese-Shorts to the ball game, hoping to shine her teeth with tongue-polish -- but she's all Nancy no-go, so you're Gary got-an-idea and you Tommy two-step to Kenny kiss-cam to grease her wheels. Stop me if this sounds familiar. Oh, shit. Are you my boss? Hey, I recognize you. You were the biggest misfire of my career! No, we weren't! And I can prove it. Just put us back on the Jumbotron, no big deal. No big deal? Was the moon landing no big deal? Was "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" no big deal? Seamlessly blending live-action and animation?! You know who would disagree with you? Bob Hoskins. God rest his soul. So let me ask you this. Do you speak ill of the dead, sir? You know what, don't even answer -- you're rambling. I can't following anything you're saying. You're going to put us on the Jumbotron, or you can kiss-cam your ass goodbye. [ Rapid gunfire ] Now, is one of you gonna tell me what's going on here? You can't do this! What's going on here? Your husband assaulted an innocent kiss cam operator. He got himself banned for life. Come on, Francine, let's go. Unh-unh, I'm staying here. What?! First, you buy me a gift that is clearly for yourself, and now you're taking it away? Forget it, Stan. Plus, they just opened a spaghetti place on the club level -- it comes in a helmet. Let me in right now! Or what? Or Or I'll hurt your feelings! Beat it, buddy. You have a terrible body. Open the gate. [ Screams ] [ Stan crying ] Hey, no tears, little man. [ Blows raspberry ] [ Laughs ] There we go. Now why's my favorite little cowboy got a case of the upside-down smiles? My relationship with Francine is crumbling, and the only way to save it is to rock her mouth on the kiss cam. But I was banned from the stadium for threatening the cameraman. That's preposterous. The only reason to ban someone from a stadium is for streaking. I don't go to the game to be aroused. Or if you're going to allow streaking, for heaven's sake, allow masturbating. Amen, brother. I just need a way to get back into that stadium. Consider all of the CIA at your full disposal. Oh, thank you, sir. Maybe I could parachute in from a helicopter, or scuba dive in from the sewer, or -- [ laughs ] There's a much easier way to get in, Smith. [ Bell rings ] "Mister Johnson has a dog. " "Meester Juanson has a dog. " [ Camera shutter clicks ] Don't break down on us. We need you if we're gonna win the East. I know he hasn't looked the same since the suspension, but the numbers say Smith could actually be useful against lefties for us. [ Cheering ] Right on time. Sir, I have Stan and Francine in my sights. Stan, what are you doing here? I thought you were banned. I am, but there's something in this stadium just too precious for me to leave behind. [ Hall & Oates' "You Make My Dreams" plays ] Not them again. You monsters! What I want, you've got, and it might be hard to handle like the flame that burns the candle Hey! That's my wife! What? And the only person allowed to kiss her is me, and the men I select for her on tinder. I'm sorry. I meant to kiss my wife. She's part of this, too? You're both banned! What the hell's going on?! You're out of here. Damn. You make my dreams You on Tinder? People, this company has brought nothing but pain and suffering to our community, and I'm shutting it down. You just turned off the receptionist's computer. Well, not even that -- just the monitor. Well, sorry for trying to make it look cool for you, Steve. To actually close this place down, I have to send like 13 e-mails all saying the same thing all to cliff in operations. Yeah, I'm -- I'm bored just saying it. I can't take this tension anymore! [ Tires squeal ] What are you doing? Look, I know you're mad. Damn right, I'm mad. Yeah, well, I'm mad, too. But mostly I'm sad. We've grown apart. And I'm worried about us, Francine. We don't share anything anymore. We couldn't even share a good kiss! What are you talking about? I'm mad because they pulled Martinez after only 80 pitches. Wait. You were into the game? The Nats are only one game back in the wild card, and Martinez clearly had heat left in his arm! What, are they saving him for the playoffs? There's not gonna be any damn playoffs! Mr. Johnson has a dog! You like baseball! We do share something! Of course we share something, Stan. We're been married for 20 years. We have? We may not share everything, but we share the important things -- a beautiful life, two kids, HPV. And that's forever, Stan. I feel so stupid. Well, at least you didn't pull Martinez after 80 pitches. Come here. [ Moaning ] You make my dreams come true, you-hoo, you, you-hoo, hoo Reporter: It is absolute carnage out here on 95. Well, what do we have here? Looks like all this wreckage and suffering is just collateral damage, because that's a kiss for the ages. [ Cheering ] Use that magnificent tongue, Stan! [ Cheering ] I can laugh it in the face He did it. He got this stadium hornier than I ever could've imagined. Oh, yeah. Well, 'cause you, ooh-ho, hoo-ooh, ooh-oo Nice. Team Jarvis, I have good news. We found out Tetradual was tainting the water and we shut 'em down. Four more years! Four more years -- Are not happening. Tetradual was my only campaign contributor, so Pack it up. Hyah! [ Thud ] Tetradual is gone, but Octodual is very interested in your re-election campaign. Why don't we discuss it at the lake house? So, Big John, why do they call you big? Do you even like me?