Snooze You Lose


 * [The episode begins at nighttime. Squidward, who appears to be very tired, is ready to go to bed.]
 * Squidward: Oh, why can't I get to sleep? Let's try it again. [sighs] Warm milk. [drinks milk] White noise machine.
 * [Squidward turns on the noise machine and it blows bubbles out. He groans as he closes his eyes. His eyelids say "10 Grit" on them. Then he wakes up.]
 * Squidward: Dim lights. [turns off lights and groans] ♪Sleep, little Squidward, catch some winks everything and everybody clearly stinks♪
 * [Squidward shuts his eyes, curls up in his bed, and tries to go to sleep. Suddenly, a loud belch is heard and a startled Squidward clings on the ceiling with his suction cups. At SpongeBob's house, SpongeBob and Patrick are having a sleepover. SpongeBob chugs down a liter of soda and swallows it. His bottom begins to bubble up.]
 * SpongeBob: Oh, yeah! Fizz Bomb Cola!
 * Patrick: Fire in the hole!
 * [SpongeBob's body bubbles up and makes a really loud belch. SpongeBob and Patrick laugh.]
 * Squidward: [yelling] Hey! Will you two psychopaths keep it down?!
 * SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Squidward? How ya doing?
 * Squidward: Horrible! I haven't slept for three days!
 * Patrick: [grabs Squidward's hand and shakes it] Hey, that's great!
 * Squidward: It is not great! [pulls back his hand] I've got an audition with the Bikini Bottom Philharmonic Orchestra tomorrow morning, and I'm a nervous wreck!
 * SpongeBob: [appears behind Squidward] Why don't you try taking a walk? Works for me.
 * Squidward: You know, normally, I jump up and scream when you appear like that. But I'm so tired, I'm just gonna take your stupid advice.
 * [Squidward walks away. SpongeBob sees Patrick chugging down Fizz Bomb Cola next door.]
 * SpongeBob: No, Patrick, no!
 * [SpongeBob jumps out from Squidward's window and pounces on Patrick.]
 * SpongeBob: We've got to keep it quiet.
 * [Patrick's belly rumbles.]
 * Patrick: Tell my parents I love them.
 * SpongeBob: Ahh!
 * [SpongeBob stuffs Patrick's mouth with a pillow, pops out five safety cones, pulls out his real ears, and puts on his earphones.]
 * SpongeBob: Hit the dirt!
 * [SpongeBob takes cover and Patrick makes his loud belch through his eye sockets, sending SpongeBob flying to a wall. Patrick pulls his eyes back to his head and swallows the pillow.]
 * Patrick: [sighs] That was sheer beauty.
 * [Squidward walks out of his house.]
 * Squidward: Taking a walk... walk... walk. [groans]
 * [Squidward walks past a billboard saying, "Sleepy-Dream Beds," a peasant sleeping on a bench near a bus stop sign, a pet store where worm puppies are sleeping, and a TV store are a television is showing sheep jumping over a fence.]
 * Squidward: [groans] Home.
 * [Squidward walks into SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob, Gary, and Patrick are sitting on the couch watching a movie. They are surprised to see Squidward's presence as he walked in.]
 * Patrick: SpongeBob? What's happening?
 * SpongeBob: I don't know.
 * [Squidward closes his eyes and goes to sleep. As he sleeps, he starts to fall. SpongeBob forms into a mattress and catches Squidward before he hits the floor. Squidward pats on SpongeBob's eyes as if they are his pillows and lays down to sleep.]
 * SpongeBob: Aw, poor guy was just sleepy. Looks like we're gonna be here a while. See you in the morning, Patrick.
 * Patrick: Oh, yeah. I should probably...
 * [Patrick falls on SpongeBob and goes to sleep. Gary slithers onto Squidward's head and goes to sleep.]
 * Gary: Meow.
 * SpongeBob: Aww.
 * [Squidward drools through SpongeBob's hole as he sleeps.]
 * SpongeBob: Aww.
 * [SpongeBob goes to sleep as well. After a long and quiet night, morning arrives and the scallops crows like a rooster.]
 * Gary: [wakes up] Meow.
 * [Gary slithers off of Squidward's head. Patrick wakes up, yawns, and scratches his back. When he looks at his rug, he immediately becomes scared.]
 * Patrick: [yells] This isn't my rug! Where—where am I? Who am I? [pants as he spins] Who am I? [pants as he spins] How am I?
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, Patrick, calm down! You're at my house! Oh, and that is your rug.
 * Patrick: Oh, yeah. [jumps on the rug and rolls around in it] Ruggie, Ruggie, Ruggie. Ruggie, Ruggie, Ruggie.
 * SpongeBob: [shakes his body] Squidward, time to wake up. Wake up, little Squidward. [stops moving]Patrick, Squidward won't wake up.
 * Patrick: Ruggie, Ruggie, Ruggie, Ruggie! [takes off rug and pounds on Squidward] Wake up, little Squidward, wake up!
 * [Nothing helps and SpongeBob shrinks back to his normal size.]
 * SpongeBob: Maybe we should get him up.
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick pick Squidward up and walk around the room.]
 * Both: [chanting] Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!
 * [Nothing is working. SpongeBob makes coffee in his coffee maker. Patrick holds open Squidward's mouth and SpongeBob pours down the coffee, burning Squidward's mouth.]
 * Both: Wake up!
 * [Nothing is working. SpongeBob and Patrick play loud music with electric guitars.]
 * Both: Wake up!
 * [Nothing is working and Squidward continues to sleep.]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, this is bad. Squidward won't make his audition with the Philharmonic Orchestra. What can we do?
 * Patrick: Oh, we'll have to create another Squidward in the lab.
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, you are a genius!
 * [The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick creating a monstrous version of Squidward in a laboratory. They take him out of the tank and set him down. SpongeBob gives the monster a clarinet. But instead of playing music, it goes wild and crashes through a wall. It then proceeds to rampage across Bikini Bottom, destroying several buildings.]
 * Patrick: Eureka!
 * SpongeBob: No, Patrick. It didn't work.
 * Patrick: Ooh, we've tried everything under the ocean and we failed! If only we could just crawl up inside Squidward and play him like a puppet.
 * SpongeBob: That's it! We could crawl up inside Squidward and play him like a puppet!
 * Patrick: Oh, whose dumb idea was that?
 * SpongeBob: Yours.
 * Patrick: Well, it sounds good to me.
 * French Narrator: Later...
 * [SpongeBob holds Squidward's mouth open.]
 * SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, you go in first and control his arms and legs. Then I'll go in and control the brain.
 * Patrick: Okay.
 * [Patrick steps inside Squidward's mouth and tries to fit inside Squidward's body.]
 * Patrick: Eww. [laughs] It tickles.
 * SpongeBob: How's that feel, buddy?
 * Patrick: Not bad. Okay, get on my shoulders.
 * [Patrick kneels down. SpongeBob jumps onto Patrick's shoulder's and closes Squidward's mouth over him. SpongeBob draws two lines on Squidward's eyelids to make them look like his pupils.]
 * SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, I'm gonna see if I can make Squidward talk.
 * [SpongeBob moves Squidward's mouth.]
 * SpongeBob: [as Squidward] My name is Squidward, and I think SpongeBob is a lamebrain. [laughs]
 * Patrick: [laughs] Wow, you sound more like him than—than Squidward! [laughs]
 * SpongeBob: All right, Patrick, we've got a date at the Bikini Bottom Philharmonic. Let's get going.
 * [Patrick moves Squidward around.]
 * SpongeBob: [as Squidward] Whoa, whoops. Watch out. Take it easy.
 * [Patrick moves Squidward out of SpongeBob's house and bumps into a construction worker.]
 * Worker: Hey!
 * SpongeBob: Left foot, right foot.
 * [Patrick continues to move Squidward but trips over and falls backwards. Patrick gets up, fixes Squidward's head and continues to move him. Inside Squidward, Patrick is having a hard time moving the arms and legs. SpongeBob frantically tries to control Squidward's brain, but no avail. Patrick trips and falls on top of a guy.]
 * SpongeBob: Whoa! Excuse me. Sorry.
 * [Patrick gets up and falls backwards, bumping into Orchid. Orchid explodes after she falls. A boat bumps into Patrick, sending two passengers flying. Patrick gets up and walks over to Officer Rob, accidentally getting Squidward's suction cups on his face. When Patrick pulls it off, suction marks are all over Rob's face.]
 * SpongeBob: Pardon me.
 * Officer Rob: Hey, Twinkle Toes, you're in a no dancing zone. Now beat it.
 * [Officer Rob pulls Squidward's nose and lets go, making Squidward open his mouth. SpongeBob closes Squidward's mouth and Patrick walks off.]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, I just realized I don't know where the concert hall is.
 * [SpongeBob takes out a pilot mask and puts it on. Then he takes out a plane control and plugs it into Squidward's brain.]
 * SpongeBob: Uh, let's ask someone.
 * [SpongeBob flies Squidward around like a plane and lands in front of Miss Shell.]
 * SpongeBob: [as Squidward] Excuse me, ma'am. I'm looking for the concert hall.
 * [Miss Snell removes her glasses. SpongeBob struggles to stay still in Squidward's mouth.]
 * SpongeBob: [grunting] Whoa!
 * Miss Snell: Young man, you don't need a concert hall. You need a hospital.
 * Handsome Fish: Great Neptune, you're hideous! [reveals second head] I manage a freak show and you're exactly the kind of act I need.
 * Kid: Mommy, look! It's Frankenstein!
 * [Various people walk up and murmur about SpongeBob and Patrick's disguise in Squidward's body. SpongeBob notices a bus with the word, "Philharmonic," on it at the bus stop.]
 * SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick! That bus is going to the concert hall!
 * [Patrick runs over to the bus and enters inside. He takes out a quarter from Squidward's pocket but drops it.]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, do you have any change?
 * Patrick: One second.
 * [Patrick pulls his bellybutton and takes out an extra quarter. SpongeBob is grossed out, but takes the quarter and puts it in the coin slot.]
 * Nat Peterson: Hey, I wasn't born yesterday. That'll be three fares.
 * [SpongeBob puts two more coins in the slot and he, along with Patrick, goes to take a seat.]
 * Nat Peterson: Hmm, what some people won't do to cheat the system. [closes bus door]
 * French Narrator: Moments later...
 * [The bus arrives at the concert hall and drops SpongeBob and Patrick off. Patrick walks up to the main stairway.]
 * Maestro Mackerel: And don't come back!
 * Musician: Oh, man. That conductor's brutal.
 * [The rejected musician walks away with a trumpet tangled to his head. Patrick enters the concert hall, but trips over one of the steps. As they fall, Squidward, who is still asleep, spits SpongeBob and Patrick out.]
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: Whoa!
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick land on the stage, making a mess. Squidward lands on top of SpongeBob and Patrick and they are back in his body.]
 * SpongeBob: [as Squidward] I was just, oh, um, [picks up music stand] the thing is not on the thing. [throws music stand] Oh, uh...
 * Maestro Mackerel: Who is that imbecile?
 * Octavius Rex: Squidward Tentacles. Apparently he's a clarinet player. [gets hit with a toaster]
 * Maestro Mackerel: All right, whenever you're ready.
 * SpongeBob: [whispering] The clarinet, where's his clarinet?
 * Patrick: Oh, I got it.
 * [Patrick turns and reveals that Squidward's clarinet is in his butt.]
 * SpongeBob: Ew, why'd you put it there?
 * Patrick: I guess I never actually thought of the moment where we'd have to play it.
 * SpongeBob: [digs around Squidward's brain] Let's see, the ability to play clarinet has got to be in his brain somewhere. It's just a matter of squeezing it out.
 * [SpongeBob makes Squidward put his clarinet on his eye. However, Patrick takes the clarinet and plays horrible notes with it. SpongeBob continues to mess with Squidward's brain. Maestro Mackerel begins to become irritated and bends a trumpet.]
 * Maestro Mackerel: [growls] All right, thank you, next!
 * [Patrick takes the clarinet and surprisingly plays beautiful music.]
 * Both: Huh?
 * [Patrick continues to play beautiful music and dances around the stage. SpongeBob conducts the music with Squidward's brain.]
 * Maestro Mackerel: He's magnificent.
 * [Suddenly, unknown to SpongeBob and Patrick, Squidward finally wakes up and notices that he's playing the clarinet.]
 * Squidward: What—what's going on here? Where am I? I'm at the audition. I'm playing, but I'm not in control. I—I feel like I've been taken over by something.
 * Patrick: What's going on?
 * SpongeBob: I don't know what's happening! I'm losing control!
 * Squidward: [struggling to regain control] Must... gain... control!
 * Maestro Mackerel: That's an unusual playing style, but still. He sounds magnificent.
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, I don't think I can command his brain much longer!
 * Patrick: Me neither, SpongeBob!
 * [Squidward turns his eyes and sees SpongeBob and Patrick inside him.]
 * Squidward: What was that—SpongeBob? Patrick? You're inside me?! Oh, how did this happen? Get out of my mind!
 * [Squidward punches SpongeBob with his eyes.]
 * Squidward: Get out of my body! Just—just—just get out!
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick fight Squidward inside his body. SpongeBob pulls Squidward's nose and bites his brain. Patrick punches Squidward inside. Squidward inhales and vomits SpongeBob and Patrick out of his body.]
 * Both: TA-DAA!
 * Squidward: Oh, I am going to lambaste you two!
 * Maestro Mackerel: You're a wizard. A magical, musical wizard.
 * Squidward: I—huh? Oh.
 * [Squidward prepares to play his clarinet.]
 * Maestro Mackerel: Yes, yes! Oh, bring us the ecstasy, maestro!
 * Squidward: I envy you common people. For you are about to have the glorious honor of hearing me play Gustav Mollusk's Symphony No. 5 in C Sharp Minor. For I am in complete control.
 * [Squidward proceeds to play the clarinet. However, instead of playing beautiful music as he did before, he squeals out loud and horrible notes. Maestro Mackerel and Octavius Rex cover their ears. The lights break. SpongeBob and Patrick's eyes crack and break like glass. A flock of birds fly away. Chunks of ice fall in the water. Two large buildings collapse to the ground.]
 * French Narrator: Later...
 * [The bus drives SpongeBob, Squidward and Patrick home from the concert hall. SpongeBob and Patrick sleep while Squidward is feeling rejected as he got his clarinet wrapped around his head. Squidward hears beautiful music from outside of the bus. He looks out the window and sees the monster squid playing music with a building like a clarinet. The monster roars and the crowd cheers for its performance.]