And the Plot Moistens

Alan, do you ever fantasize when we're making love? Well, occasionally I pretend that I'm better looking. What about you? Sometimes I imagine we're in the middle of a big department store. Having sex? No, shopping. Why would I fantasize about having sex while I'm having sex? Do you think about ham and cheese when you're eating a sandwich? Can't argue with that. What you thinking? Nothing really. I just-- I got a call from Jake's school today. You know who called me? Jessica Murray. Oh, who's that? A friend of mine. Yeah, well. Anyway, Jake's mom and I have to go to a parent-teacher conference tomorrow and I don't really know what it's about. Hey, do you ever pretend your toes are little people? What? No. Sometimes I make believe they're different families playing Family Feud. All right, let's meet our champions. He goes to market, she stays home, please welcome the Piggy family. Hi, everybody. You' re going down Piggy family. You're going down. -Hey. -Hey. He's shooting 51 percent from beyond the arc. That's pretty good. How's it going? Forget it, Alan. I only do the apr�s-sex chat with people I've just had sex with. Come on. She's playing Family Feud with her toes. I don't care if she's playing banjo with her nipples. I need to communicate after lovemaking. I need to share. You should have thought of that before boinking a girl with the lQ of Tickle Me Elmo. Fine. Hey, Berta. How's it going? Back off, zippy. You want pillow talk, you gotta spoon me first. I suppose I could talk about his grades again but I think we all agree that ship has pretty much sailed. So why did you wanna see us? Well, I'm concerned that even outside of the classroom Jake has no interest in anything that goes on around here. Now, hang on. He speaks very highly of your hot lunch program. Well, I was talking more about hobbies or extracurricular activities. Well, I don't know about his father but I've tried to share some of my interests with him. Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men. You know I was kind of lacking in focus when I was his age too till I got bit by the old theater bug. Too bad you didn't get bit by the old rabid squirrel. You know, I'm organizing a drama club. Would that be something Jake would have any interest in or do you think he gets enough drama at home? All the world's a stage. And we are merely players. Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble. She say what I'm in trouble for? Nope. Boy, it's the not knowing that drives you crazy. Yeah, like a pregnancy test. Yeah. I don't get it. Yes. In your face, Opie. This game stinks. No, you stink at it. That was my lunch money. Oh, your lunch money, why didn't you tell me? Boo-freaking-hoo. Pack a sandwich. Okay, Jake, well, we talked to Miss Sheffield. I'm sorry. -What are you sorry about? -I'm. I'm sorry I interrupted you. Go ahead. It would be a good idea if you got involved in extracurricular activities. Oh, okay. Great, great. We'll talk about it at home. Do you know what an "extracurricular activity" is? Who cares? I'm off the hook. -What do you think? -What was this all about? -It's choreography. -It's gay. Okay. Forget about the movements. -Just try singing the song. -No. -Why not? -Because it's gay. Don't encourage him. Don't make him sing Gilbert and Sullivan. He needs something to audition for the school musical. You teach him a song. -Why don't you let him choose? -Jake. -Tell you uncle what you wanted to sing. -It's called "Whup That Stanky Ho. " All right. There's gotta be some middle ground here. -You like classic rock, right? -Yeah. Okay, well, pick a band. How about Queen? Oh, good. I was afraid he was gonna pick something gay. Doesn't sound right. You heard it too, huh? -You sure you played all the right notes? -Y es, I'm sure. It doesn't sound anything like Queen's version. No, it doesn't. Why don't you work on it. We'll try again tomorrow. Yeah, why don't I do that. The kid's a double threat: tone-deaf and arrogant. -Hey. -Where have you been? Kandi called for you. Oh, I had to work late. Yeah, one of my regular patients had a crisis. His name is Roger, he had a couple of vertebrae pinching a nerve. -T oo bad. -Nice guy, you'd like him. He restores old cars. Well, it's actually more a hobby than a job. He works at Staples. His name is Roger. -Alan. -Yeah? Why are you lying to me? I don't know. I really suck at it. You do indeed. Don't you care where I was? Why would I start now? Oh, come on, I really need to get this off my chest. All right, go ahead. -I was with another woman. -Okay, okay, see, that's a good lie. No, no. I really was with another woman. Seriously? You're already doing a hot 22-year-old and you're cheating on her? Yes. I am so proud of you. -What? -Who's the dog? My brother's the dog. Come on, dog. Come on, dog. Howl with me. No, stop howling and let me explain. There's nothing to explain. You're sleeping with two women at the same time. You're a big old dog. No, I haven't been sleeping with the other woman. I've been seeing Jake's teacher. All we do is talk. I don't know how to explain it. We have so much in common. I mean, she's divorced. She has a kid Jake's age. She reads. She likes the theater. Yeah, yeah. But you're not sleeping with her? -Why would I when I've got Kandi? -I don't know. Because you can? It's not that kind of a relationship. It's intellectual. So take her to a museum, enjoy the exhibits and do her in the restroom. -You're missing the point. -No, you're missing the point. Not getting laid, it's not cheating. -Then why do I feel so guilty? -That's easy. Because you're an idiot. I guess I always thought that one woman was supposed to fulfill all my needs. Oh, that's an old wives' tale. Started to protect the interests of, you guessed it, old wives. So you're saying the whole concept of monogamy is a fraud. -The institution of marriage is a sham? -No, no, no. I'm just saying, bang the teacher. Why does he make everything so complicated? Here we go. "Blunderbuss. " Very elegant use of my "under. " Thank you. Boy. I have more vowels than a Honolulu phone book. You're so clever, Alan. Thank you. You am smart too. -Hey, Alan, can I talk to you for a sec? -Sure. Excuse me. Hurry back. What's up? -You tell me. -Nothing, we're just playing Scrabble. And you're right. -There's nothing to feel guilty about. -Good to know. Because Kandi's here. Oh, okay. It's not a problem. Here's what we do. -We? -Come on, work with me. You go cover for me with Kandi and I'll get Francine the hell out of here. But there was nothing to feel guilty about. You know that and I know that, now go lie to Kandi about it. Fine, I'll tell her you went to Staples to see Roger. Who? -Hey, why don't we walk on the beach. -What about the game? Screw the game, I concede. You win, well-played. All right. It is a beautiful night. Yeah, yeah. Let's go enjoy it on the beach. Chop-chop. -Kandi? -What? Alan must have slipped out. -You're lying to me, Charlie. -No, I'm not. Oh, okay. Wait, wait. Don't you wanna know where he is? -Where who is? -Alan. Sure, why not. All right. The truth is Alan is out trying to find the perfect gift for you. -Really? -Yes. He wants to surprise you with something extremely expensive. Can you give me a hint? Well, let's see. It's something that's a girl's best friend and looks good wrapped around their neck. I'm getting a monkey? No, no. Sweet Lord. A diamond necklace. That's nice too. Just remember, you didn't hear it from me. Then who did I hear it from? Nobody. When he gives it to you, act surprised. Don't worry, I'll be really surprised. Good. Good. Good. So will he. That's-- That's-- That's terrific. -Do you wanna hear it again? -No. We don't want you to strain your voice. Do you think I'm gonna do okay at the audition? -You never know how these things go. -Yeah. Just hope I have a decent piano player. I thought you were working with him. What's the problem? Okay, there's a technical term we musicians use. Jake stinks. Well, is there anything we can do? We can hope "stinks" suddenly becomes popular. But I wouldn't count on it. Oh, by the way, you need to buy Kandi a diamond necklace. What? You told me to cover. I said you were out buying her jewelry. That's all you could think of? Well, I could think of a lot of things but only one made me laugh. I can't afford to buy her jewelry. I know. That's what makes it funny. Must have been so expensive. Yeah. You do realize this entitles you to extra-special bonus sex. What is extra-special bonus sex? It's whatever you want it to be. That sounds like fun. Go away. Okay, I'll just play Scrabble till you're ready. Give me a sec. Please don't tell me Francine is here. Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Francine is here? -Yeah, you want me to cover for you? -Yes. I'm on it. Wait. Charlie, I'm begging you. No more jewelry. Don't worry. It's not funny twice. Sorry, he must have gone out. Oh, okay. Tell him I stopped by. Francine, wait. I can't do this. Do what? I'm not a good liar. I know where he is, I'm just not supposed to tell you. The thing is, Alan does a lot of charity work. -Really? -Oh, yeah. Right now he's down at the nursing home giving sponge baths to old people. They don't go out a lot so they tend to get dusty. I had no idea. In fact, just the other night he was down on skid row teaching salsa dancing to crack addicts. Oh, my goodness. They have the energy, they just lack the focus. But I think-- I think what he's proudest of is his work with the kids. He takes runaways forced to live on the streets and teaches them how to live in the woods. I don't really see the point but those little urchins seem to thrive in the wild. It's like he's a saint. You must be so proud to have him as your brother. Well, truth be told, he does bring me a lot of joy. Thank you for telling me this, Charlie. You're welcome. Just promise you won't embarrass him bringing it up. Not a word. I just hope I can be worthy of him. And the plot moistens. Oh, that's terrific, buddy. I am so proud of you. Yeah, sure, I'll tell him. Oh, all right. Love you. Bye-bye. Guess what. Jake just got the lead in the school musical. The lead? What happened, did every other kid in school get mono? No, I think it was Francine. I think she cast Jake because of our relationship. You mean it's gotten physical? You're sleeping his way to the top? No, no. Nothing happened between us. -But I think she's fallen for me. -Really? What makes you think that? Well, I had lunch with her today and she was looking at me with I don't know worship in her eyes. Like I was some kind of-- -Saint? -Yes, yes. How did you know? That's how I think of you. Very funny. I've been doing my best not to lead her on but I guess I just underestimated my allure. Say that again. -What? -That last part. You mean, I underestimated my allure? Yeah, that's it. I'm sorry, am I missing something? No, not a thing. Well, good. You see, Alan. That's how you lie. Pretty exciting, huh? Opening night. Well, having seen the previews, I'm betting closing night too. Boy, this brings back memories. Sixth grade was the happiest two years of my life. It's the finger. Excuse me. So, Kandi, what's your favorite musical? The trombone. I can't believe you brought her here. I had to, Jake invited her. Is that a diamond necklace? You never gave me a diamond necklace. Y eah, well, you never gave me extra-special bonus sex. -Hi, Charlie. -Hi. -Who's this? -This? Oh, this is Kandi. Hi, I'm with Alan. Are you one of those young people he takes care of? Yep, yep, yep. Good old Saint Alan. Just can't do enough for the kids. Look at this diamond necklace he gave me. He gave you a diamond necklace? Don't get the wrong idea, it wasn't to get me to have sex. I was already doing everything he wanted. I am as shocked as you are. What was that about? Funny story. I'll tell you later.