Orthodontic Police

(The episode opens on Cow and Chicken's family van speeding through town. Inside the back seat, Cow is playing a game called "Count the Rocks".)

Cow: (excitedly) "Oh, there's a rock!" (turns to the side, squashing Chicken) "Oh, there's another!" (climbs on the back seat) "Another!"

(Chicken is both uncomfortable being squashed by Cow and her idea of playing the game.)

Chicken: (grunts grumpily) "I hate dis stupid game!"

Cow : "That is 'cause you are not counting rocks. You gotta count rocks to play Count the Rocks, see?" (peers out the window and gasps) "There's another one!"

Chicken : (sarcastically) "Whoopee."

(Outside, the Red Guy, working as a motorcycle cop, is sipping on a cup of coffee when he sees Cow and Chicken stick their heads out their window.)

Cow: (giggling) "Hi, Mr. Policeman!"

(The Red Guy spits out his coffee and growls irritatingly. He then hops on his motorcycle, tossing his cup away, and pursues the van, while he activates his siren.)

Mom: "What's that noise, Dad?"

(Dad sees the Red Guy chasing them in their rear view mirror.)

Dad: "Uh-oh. Looks like a law enforcement officer's on our tail, Mama."

(Cow and Chicken peer over the back seat and see Red pulling off a good police siren.)

Dad : "We'd better pull over."

(Dad pulls the van over to the side of the road, where Red catches up with them. He takes off his shades and turns on a flashlight.)

Red Guy: "Licence and registration, please."

Dad: "Certainly, officer."

(Red shines his flashlight on the kids.)

Red Guy : "YOU TWO IN THE BACK, STEP OUT OF THE CAR!" (Cow and Chicken hustle outside, and Red turns to them.) "Open your pork traps." (Cow and Chicken open their mouths, and Red inspects their teeth.) "Oh, no, no, no, no-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!"

(Mom and Dad step out of the car.)

Dad : (concerned) "Is everything okay?"

Red Guy : "NO! EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY! LOOK AT THESE TEETH!" (He shows off Cow and Chicken's teeth to Dad and holds up Cow's clenched teeth.) "THEY ARE AN ABOMINATION!"

Mom : "What's going on, Dad?"

Red Guy : "Well, Mom, these kids need braces RIGHT NOW!"

Dad : "I don't think-"

Red Guy : (interrupting Dad) "You don't think what? Ooh, what are you people: A bunch of Communists? Listen, Dad: Helping freaks of nature like your kids is my calling." (He stands on his motorcycle seat and pulls open a large mobile orthodontic chair with tools and gadgets on each side. Cow and Chicken stand there, confused, as Red then shows off his badge that reads, "Orthodontic Police".) "I am an orthodontic policeman."

Mom and Dad: (confused) "A what?"

Red Guy : "As an orthodontic policeman, it is my duty to cruise the nation's highways sniffing out deformities in the mouths OF THIS GREAT COUNTRY'S CHILDREN!" (He grabs Cow and Chicken and throws them onto the chair. Red catches up to them.) "This won't hurt a bit. SECURE THE PATIENTS!" (He ties up Cow and Chicken and salutes himself.) "Patients secured! Comfy?" (He dashes away as Cow and Chicken grunt sadly.)

Dad: (encouragingly) "Now, kids, be brave, little soldiers."

(The Red Guy pulls out a chainsaw and sets to work on the teeth.)

Mom: (concerned) "You think this is okay?"

Dad : (reassuringly) "He is an orthodontic police officer."

(Red painfully performs the work on Cow and Chicken's teeth; He uses a pincer to hold Cow's lower lip, uses the pliers to tug the wire on Cow's braces, clamps Chicken's beak and braces together with a clamp, runs a dental drill to tighten the bolt on a bracket, clamps Cow's upper braces, uses a jack to raise Chicken's braces, and uses a saw to shave out the gunk from the two siblings' teeth. When his work is done, Red removes his surgical mask and hangs his head. Mom and Dad look on.)

Red Guy: (proudly) "SUCCESS!"

(He brings the saw away to show off two sets of brace headgear installed on the two siblings. They walk to their parents, as their headgear sags on them.)

Mom : (suspiciously) "Are you sure about this?"

Red Guy : (dusting off his sleeves) "Of course, I am; I'm a professional, or my name isn't Officer Pantsoffski." (He puts on his shades and hops back on his motorcycle.) "Gotta go."

Dad : "Uh, thank you, officer."

Red Guy : "Just doing my job, ma'am."

(He speeds off down the road and Cow and Chicken look at him go. They groan miserably and fear for the worst tomorrow. The next day, Cow and Chicken arrive at school on the school bus.)

Cow : (through the braces) "Oh, everyone is gonna laugh at us."

Chicken : (through the braces) "Eh, quit whinin'!"

(As they walk to the school building, their classmates start picking on them.)

Kid 1: "Hey, man. When it rains, does your mouths rust?"

Kid 2: (laughing) "Where's the train, railroad face?"

Kid 3: "Yoo-hoo, metal-mouths!" (laughs and snorts)

(The two siblings sit on the steps, groaning.)

Chicken : "Hey, look! It's Earl!"

(Earl also has a hideous set of his own brace headgear.)

Earl : (through the braces)  "Hi, guys!"

Chicken : "Earl, what happened?"

Earl: "I was on my paper run, and I got pulled over by the orthodontic police. The thing is, I already had braces on anyways."

(Then, the school bell rings inside the school building.)

Cow : "Good morning, Teacher."

(Cow and Chicken's teacher has her own set of brace headgear as well. Cow and Chicken gasp at the sight.)

Cow and Chicken's teacher: "I was on my way to school when I got stopped by the orthodontic police!" (sucks on her braces) "I had no idea I needed braces! Nothin' on the planet is more important than straight teeth!" (Cow and Chicken look at themselves.) "At least, that's what the pantsless policeman said."

(Cow and Chicken run out of the classroom.)

Chicken : (concerned) "This ain't right."

Cow : "Teacher always had beautiful teeth."

Chicken : "We gotta do somethin'!"

(The two siblings run to the police station and ask a policeman to help them. However, they see the policeman has had his braces put on by Officer Pantsoffski. The poor cop struggles to eat it but puts it on a hook.)

Policeman: (angered) "Yeah?"

Chicken: (surprised) "You, too?!"

Policeman : (sadly) "What kinda animal would keep a policeman from his donuts?" (He leans down and cries.)

Chicken : "Looks like it's up to us to stop this maniac."

(Cow and Chicken then get down to business. First, they come upon a traffic cop who's directing traffic and has his own set of braces on. He points them to Officer Pantsoffski's direction, and the two siblings walk left. Next, they see a line worker getting zapped with his own braces that touch the wires. He screams in pain. A poor man and his poodle also have their own hideous braces, scaring Cow and Chicken as they run by. Finally, they hear screaming noises and run to the source.)

Chicken: (pointing to the screams) "Did you hear that?!"

Cow: "It's coming from over there!"

(The two siblings then see a shuttle bus being under attack as senior citizens run out of the bus in a hurry, as each of the citizens has its own set of braces.)

Cow : "I wonder if Gwandma and Gwandpa need braces, too."

(The chaos continues as more senior citizens evacuate the bus.)

Old Man 1: "I don't even have any teeth."

Red Guy : (to another old man) "What?! You call those dentures?!" (To the old man's horror, Officer Pantsoffski destroys his dentures and holds up a dangerous pair of brace headgear.) "Voila."

Chicken : "Oh, what are we gonna do?"

Cow : (getting an idea) "I know!" (dashes off)

Old Man 2: (taps Officer Pantsoffski's shoulder) "Uh, so, uh, when do we get these things off?"

Red Guy : (mocking him) "Oh, you wanna know when you can take off those mean old braces, huh?" (shakes the man's headgear) "Never! THEY'RE PERMANENT!"

(Officer Pantsoffski laughs cruelly at the senior citizens, until Supercow arrives on the scene.)

Supercow: "¡Oye, Señor Pantsoffski!" (Red looks at Supercow.) "¡Supercow al rescate!"

Red Guy : "Oh, another satisfied customer!" (laughs) "My work here is done! Gotta fly!"

Supercow : "¡No tan rápido, policia! AIYEEEE!" (mooing)

(Supercow lands on the Red Guy and pounds him, as he starts up his motorcycle down the street. The senior citizens and Chicken cheer her on.)

Red Guy : "Excuse me, but did you wash your hoofs before-Ow!"

(Supercow uses the dental tools on Red and the senior citizens and Chicken cheer on Supercow for her victory. Later, Cow and Chicken have forced the Red Guy to remove all the braces off the people around the town, including Cow and Chicken themselves. Red removes the braces off the policeman from earlier.)

Red Guy : "There. That's the last one."

(The Policeman looks at himself in a mirror as he scarfs down a donut with pleasure. He then skips happily back to the station, giggling like a leprechaun. As for Red, he has own set of brace headgear with lightbulbs, a generator, and a satellite dish installed on top.)

Red Guy : (through his braces) "Okay, I did what you said: I removed all the braces off everybody! Now, CAN YOU TAKE OFF MINE?! THAT WAS THE DEAL!"

Chicken: (mocking Red) "Oh, I wish we could, but we have already rented you out as a satellite tracking dish."

(Cow and Chicken laugh their heads off and walk home. Red sees a satellite falling toward him and speeds away on his motorcycle, as other satellites fall and miss him.)

Red Guy : (calling to the viewers) "Is there a real orthodontic in the house?!"

(Cut to: 'End' card)

Chicken : "End!"

(Black Out)