Squid's Day Off

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Squid's Day Off" from season 2, which aired on November 2, 2000.

Plot
Narrator: Ah, beautiful springtime. A time for fun and frolic for most, but not for this poor slob.

Squidward: Ohh...what a beautiful day. And here I am trapped in a prison of high cholesterol. (bell rings) No one ever comes in on Sunday. (bell rings again) Why can’t Mr. Krabs just let us go home? (bell rings again. Squidward gets angry. Scene cuts to SpongeBob ringing a bell set on the order window. Squidward runs up to SpongeBob) SpongeBob, stop ringing this bell!

SpongeBob: I was just testing it. (Squidward leans through the order window getting in SpongeBob’s face)

Squidward: I will ring the bell when there is an order. But... (scene zooms out to show restaurant empty) ...there’s no customers!! There hasn’t been one all day, and there isn’t gonna be any! (picks up the cash register and slams it down making a bell noise)

SpongeBob: One Krabby Patty coming up!

Squidward: No! (register drawer shoots open knocking Squidward out of the way. A bunch of coins fall onto the floor. Scene cuts to Mr. Krabs office where Mr. Krabs hears the money dropping)

Mr. Krabs: That sounds like me money dropping. (he opens his office door to find Squid picking up the coins) What’s going on out here? My babies! (runs up to Squidward and shoves him away) Get away, you barbarian! What have you done? Nice, clean money...soiled! (scoops up the coins in his hands) I’ll take care of ya. Let papa clean ya up. Clear the way! (he runs into the kitchen and starts washing them off in the sink) No, no, no, don’t cry, little ones.

SpongeBob: What’s wrong, Mr. Krabs? (Mr. Krabs gets scared and throws the dimes in the air)

Mr. Krabs: Me dime! (a dime rolls into the sink but does not go down the drain until Mr. Krabs gives a sigh of relief. Then the dime jumps, winks, and jumps down the drain) Noo! (grabs the dime in the drain) I got it, boy! (tries to take his hand out) What the? It’s stuck! You gotta help me, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: You’ve gotta let go of the dime.

Mr. Krabs: I can think of ten good reasons to never let go of a dime, boy. There’s got to be another way! Grab me captains quarters and heave! (SpongeBob pulls on Mr. Krabs from behind a couple times until Mr. Krabs gets thrown back without his arms) Me arms!

SpongeBob: Oh no, not again. (Mr. Krabs hits the wall which makes the shelf slant and drop a pan, a glass, another pan, a mug, a chest, an anchor, a buoy, and a scuba suit on Mr. Krabs head. A giant bump rises up on Mr. Krabs head and then a dime falls on it causing Mr. Krabs to blacken out. Scene cuts to an ambulance outside the Krusty Krab and two paramedics carrying out Mr. Krabs on a stretcher)

Mr. Krabs: Wait. Squidward, I’m putting you in charge of thing around here while I’m gone.

Squidward: (smiles) You can count on me, sir! (a third paramedic carries out Mr. Krabs arms) Take care! Hurry back! Get well soon! You’re in our thoughts! (ambulance drives off) Takes more muscles to frown than to smile! (shuts the door) Ok, SpongeBob, let’s get down to business. My first official act as new manager is to give you a promotion. (SpongeBob’s pupils form into stars to stars)

SpongeBob: (screams) Ahh, really?

Squidward: You get to run the cash register.

SpongeBob: The cash register...wow! Squidward, who’s gonna work the grill?

Squidward: You are! It’s part of the promotion I mentioned earlier. You’ll be wearing two hats now. You’re gonna take the orders, and then you’re gonna make them! (puts his hat next to SpongeBob’s hat)

SpongeBob: This is the best day of my life!

Squidward: Me too.

SpongeBob: Wait, if I’m running the register and the grill, what are you gonna do?

Squidward: I’ve got some very important boss-like errands to run. See ya, later. (he runs off)

SpongeBob: Squidward!

Squidward: What is it?

SpongeBob: You forgot to teach me how to use...the cash register.

Squidward: You push the button and put the money inside. Ok, you’re on your own. (walks off as SpongeBob is hugging on the cash register) SpongeBob: I can’t believe this is really happening. (sits on the cash register box) Today, I start living! (scene cuts to Squidward walking outside)

Squidward: Well, Squidward, you’ve really outdone yourself this time. A beautiful day of relaxing and pampering with pay. Hmmm, I guess I do kinda feel bad about poor little SpongeBob, all by his lonesome...ohh, ohh, it’ll pass. He’s probably just standing at the register with that stupid grin on his face. (scene cuts to Squidward's imagination: Patrick and SpongeBob in the Krusty Krab with dopey looks on their faces)

Patrick: Hey SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Hey Patrick!

Patrick: Hey SpongeBob, could you give me change for a quarter?

SpongeBob: No problem! (bangs on the register and gives Patrick a bunch of money) Here ya go!

Patrick: Thanks. (back to reality)

Squidward: (gasps) I forgot to tell him how to make change! (he runs back to the restaurant, banging the doors open) Sponge... (sees only SpongeBob in the Krusty Krab) ...Bob. (checks the cash register to see if everything is still there. Gives a sigh of relief)

SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward. All done with those errands?

Squidward: No, I am not. I just remembered I needed change for this dollar. (He pulls out a dollar from his pocket)

SpongeBob: Do you want four quarter? (holds up four quarters) Or ten dimes? (shows ten dimes on his hand) Or twenty nickels? (shows ten nickels on each arm) Or one hundred pennies? (shows one-hundred pennies on his back) Or one quarter, three dimes, seven nickels, and ten pennies? (shows the quarter on his nose, 3 dimes on his fingers, 7 nickels on his thumb, and ten pennies, in the shape of the cent symbol, on his foot) Or, if you give me a five dollar bill, your options are...

Squidward: Alright, goodbye. (walks off. Scene cuts to Squidward’s house where he comes out wearing sunglasses and has on sunscreen and carrying a lawn chair) This is great. My day off, no worries. Just relaxation. (sets his lawn chair down and puts sunscreen on himself) I’m the boss. I deserve this. Ah... Everything will be fine. There won’t be any customers today anyway. He’ll probably just stand there, bored. (imagines SpongeBob behind the counter just standing there) SpongeBob, bored.

SpongeBob: Ehh, gettin’ kind of bored. (yawns and falls asleep. Krusty Krab catches on fire and Squidward tries to blow it out but its a thought bubble. Begins to run to the Krusty Krab but stops)

Squidward: Ohh, what am I doing? (he pulls out a watch) I am wasting valuable relaxing time here, that’s what I’m doing! I mean, really. What are the odds? SpongeBob setting the Krusty Krab on fire. (he walks back down the road. Then, a fire engine whizzes by. Squid is startled and runs to the restaurant with a fire extinguisher. He sprays the galley with foam. As the foam subsides, Squid, now with a foam beard, walks over to Sponge, who has a foam moustache) SpongeBob: May I help you, sir?

Squidward: (wipes off his foamy beard) It’s me, you dunce!

SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Squidward! (mustache falls off) How are those errands going?

Squidward: What’s that supposed to mean? I’m very busy.

SpongeBob: I’m sure you are.

Squidward: I don’t like your tone.

SpongeBob: (high-pitched voice) I’m sure you are. (normal voice again) How’s that?

Squidward: Just do your jobs. (walks off)

SpongeBob: Aye-aye, Mr. Tentacles! (puts the spatula in his forehead) Boy, no wonder Mr. Krabs put him in charge. (scene cuts to Squidward’s house)

Squidward: Must...rel... (cracks his back) ...ax! (pulls out a mirror) Look at yourself. You’re losing your bluish glow. Stop worrying so much! Now, repeat after me...you will not go back to the Krusty Krab. (his reflection turns into SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: I will destroy the Krusty Krab. (Squidward screams and throws the mirror at the wall and runs to the Krusty Krab)

Squidward: SpongeBob!!

SpongeBob: Have you finished...

Squidward: No! (walks out) That’s it. That’s it. No matter what sick fantasies run through my mind, I will not go back to that restaurant! (walks into his house then runs out towards the Krusty Krab)

SpongeBob: Have you finished those errands? (Squidward runs back to his house then back to the Krusty Krab) Have you finished those errands? (Squidward runs back to his house) Have you finished those errands? (Squidward runs to the Krusty Krab) Have you finished those errands? (Squidward keeps running back and forth while SpongeBob is repeating 'have you finished those errands?' Finally, Squidward enters the Krusty Krab and stops) Have you finished those errands? Have you finished those errands? Have you finished those errands?

Squidward: No, I am not finished with those errands and I never will be. So quit checking up on me! (walks up to SpongeBob) I know what you’re up to. Forcing me to come back here every time you mess up!

SpongeBob: But I haven’t...

Squidward: Ok, maybe you haven’t messed up yet, but you will. You will. (walks backwards) And when you do, I’ll be there! I’ll be there! (laughs)

SpongeBob: Gosh, Squidward sure is a hard worker. He makes me proud to wear these hats. (puts all sorts of door locks on his door so he can't get out)

Squidward: There! Now I’ll have to stay here and enjoy myself! I’m not even gonna think about you know who at the you know what doing I don’t care! (laughs) Just gonna relax... (turns on the water and puts on his bathing cap sits in his bathtub) Let Squid’s day off...begin. (Squidward hears SpongeBob laughing outside) What was that? (SpongeBob's laughing is heard again) It’s SpongeBob! He’s spying on me, to see if I’m really doing errands. But, but he left his post, and I’ve finally caught him messing up! (peeks out the window) A-ha! I caught you, Sponge... (notices that its only the wind blowing onto the coral) ...branch. (Squidward notices a SpongeBob look-alike behind his shower curtain) Heh, here’s that rubber duck Mr. Krabs wanted me to get. (reveals what’s behind the curtain) I’ve got you now! Wait’ll Mr. Krabs finds out you’re a...toilet. You’re losin’ it, Squidward, calm down. If I let this get to me again, I’ll just end up running down to the Krusty Krab, bursting through the front door, up to that yellow headache SpongeBob, and he’ll say... (SpongeBob appears next to Squidward in the bathtub)

SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward. Are you finished with those errands yet? (goes under the water)

Squidward: A-ha! (goes under the water and appears as an actual octopus) I know you’re in here. (gasps) What? (SpongeBob is not in the drain. He winks) He’s heading back to the Krusty Krab! I’ll beat him there! (slams through the locked door with nothing on but his shower cap and bubbles foaming around his waist) I’ve got you now, SpongeBob!

Citizen: (puts her hand over her son's eyes) Hey, put some clothes on!

Squidward: (runs past Patrick's rock) The truth will be revealed!

Patrick: (stands up) Whoo-ho! Right on, Squidward! (scene cuts to hospital where the doctor and Mr. Krabs are walking out of it)

Doctor: Ok, Mr. Krabs, get plenty of rest and if things don’t seem right, come back. (walks inside)

Mr. Krabs: Thanks, doc. (Squidward runs past him)

Squidward: Spongebob, you can’t beat me! Ha! (Mr. Krabs' arms fall off and he walks back into the hospital. Scene cuts to Squidward running into the Krusty Krab) A-ha! I caught you now. You didn’t think I knew you were a stick outside my window. Ha! Or the toilet in my bathroom. And then, you were in my bathtub! And I...And-and you...And I...And you...swam down the drain and beat me to the...Krusty...Krab...

SpongeBob: Uhh, does that mean that you...? (Squidward covers SpongeBob's mouth)

Squidward: Yes, SpongeBob, I am finished with those errands. (hugs the register) I guess I want to take my place back at the cash register. I really do. (SpongeBob takes off his pants and hands them to Squidward)

SpongeBob: Then you might wanna put these on. (Squidward looks down and notices a bunch of bubbles. They all pop so he puts SpongeBob's pants on) Hey, Squidward, you know what? Look! (walks back with a sign) We forgot to switch the ‘Closed’ sign to ‘Open’. It’s almost like we could’ve taken the whole day off! (He laughs. Squidward’s nose falls off and he deflates)