Dye! Dye! My Darling

(opening theme song)

(at the Lawndale zoo)

(Jane and Trent are standing in front of the tiger cage; Jane and a tiger stare at each other for several long moments, until Trent breaks the silence)

Trent - Okay?

Jane - (pause) Okay.

(Jane and Trent drive home in Trent's car)

Jane - Thanks for the company, Trent.

Trent - Hey, no problem. But why didn't you ask Tom? Or Daria?

Jane - You and I never go for rides anymore. We need to go for more rides.

Trent - Mm... why'd you need to see the tiger again?

Jane - I told you, it's a surprise. You'll find out when everybody does. (pause) What do you mean, "mm..."?

Trent - I didn't say "mm..."

Jane - Yes, you did.

Trent - No, I didn't.

(pause)

Jane - Mm...

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Helen is running around the kitchen in an absolute tizzy)

Helen - Sorry, can't stop for breakfast, must get my files together before the 7:00 A.M. I'm sorry, this is the biggest case I've ever had!

(Helen looks around the kitchen, finally noticing that no one else is there)

Helen - Oh... it's 5:00 in the morning. Why would anyone be up? Now who am I talking to? Get it together, Morgendorffer!

(at Jane's house)

(Daria rings the doorbell; the door is answered by Trent)

Trent - Hey, Daria.

Daria - Hey, Trent.

Trent - Janie's upstairs with Tom.

Trent - Thanks.

(Daria heads upstairs to Jane's room, where she hears music playing)

Daria - Hello?!

(she knocks on the door, then pushes it open to reveal Tom and Jane in heavy lip-lock)

Daria - Oh!

Tom - Oops.

Jane - Oy. (turns off music)

Daria - Sorry about that.

Jane - No biggie. You had to learn about kissing sometime.

Tom - I saw Jane's latest work and I just got carried away by the talent.

Jane - Ta-da!

(Jane turns the easel around to reveal a self-portrait, only her hair has yellow stripes and she's standing in a jungle)

Daria - Um, very nice. Or is it a cry for help?

Tom - I'd have to go with... both.

Jane - Don't you get it? The lady or the tiger -- now you don't have to choose.

Daria - Does this mean you'll be ordering the pizza with entrails?

Jane - This is going to be my new look. And you're assisting in the procedure.

(Daria looks distressed)

(at the drug store)

(Daria and Jane are looking at shelf upon shelf of hair coloring products)

Jane - "Golden Heather Blonde," "Dewy Cornfield Blonde," "April Wheat Blonde"... I just want to bleach my hair, not start a freaking farm.

Daria - Well, I'm looking for "Blonde as a Bat," but so far no luck. I bet for 20 bucks and a bag of donuts, that girl behind the counter would come over to your house and help you with this.

Jane - You know, Daria, not everyone in the world conducts themselves by the same ruthlessly mercenary principles as you and your family.

Daria - That's why I threw in the donuts. Give the deal a personal touch.

Jane - And if you tell me one more time that you don't want to do this, I'll hit you over the head with this bottle of "Peaceful Sunrise Blonde."

Daria - You know I have no aptitude for this sort of thing. Dyeing hair, painting toenails...

Jane - Look, Daria, this is the kind of activity that teen girls do together to cement their friendships. Don't you want to cement our friendship?

Daria - I'd probably do better with actual cement.

Jane - Methinks thou doth protesteth too much.

Daria - Huh?

Jane - Come on, why don't you want to help me, really?

Daria - I just told you, I'm afraid I'll screw it up.

Jane - H'okay... you're worried about making me look bad.

Daria - What's the matter with you?

Jane - Nothing's the matter with me. Just grateful for your concern, that's all.

Daria - Look, I'll help you do your damn hair, okay? Just pick a blonde and let's go with it, all right?

Jane - Now you're talking. (looks at box) "Autumn Barley Blonde?" I'm going to have to get me a tractor.

(at the Lane house)

(the girls are at the kitchen table, preparing to dye Jane's hair)

Daria - This stuff stinks. Why can't they just mix it before they put it in the bottle?

Jane - Because the vapors would build up and it would explode.

Daria - Oh. Well, that sounds like something I'd want seeping into my scalp.

Jane - Come on, Daria, get going. We have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Daria - I'm sure F.D.R. had teen girl hairstyles in mind when he made that speech. You know, one phone call and I could have my sister over here with her little fashion fiends to do this job the way it should be done.

Jane (imitating Daria) - "Hello, Quinn? It's me, Daria. Can you help me make my friend look pretty?"

Daria - All right, you bitch. What do I do?

Jane - Let's see. This is very complicated. Identify and isolate a target tress, immobilize, then initiate application.

Daria - Huh?

Jane - Grab a hunk of hair and start painting.

(Daria grabs a hunk of hair and starts painting)

Jane - What do you think? It's not so hard.

Daria - Don't move. Don't even talk. The slightest tremor of your head could be disastrous.

Jane - Oh, come on, it's just hair.

Daria - That's what Samson said. (pause) What did you mean before?

Jane - What do you mean, what did I mean?

Daria - All that hinting around about the dire reasons I didn't want to help you with this.

Jane - "Dire." 'Cause you're dyeing my hair. I get it.

Daria - Still waiting.

Jane - Oh, hell, I didn't mean anything. I just thought it was odd that you were so resistant to making me look even cooler than I already do. I thought, you know, maybe you were a little jealous of me and Tom and you felt like you had to...

Daria - What?!

Jane - Just a teensy little bit, and it's okay. Believe me, I'm sure if I were in your position...

Daria - What position? What are you talking about? How can you accuse me of being jealous of you and Tom?

Jane - Hey, are we doing the hair here or not? I just mean the way you're always... "accidentally" barging in on us and just "happening" to find yourself alone with him. I know you don't mean anything by it, so don't worry about it.

Daria - Don't worry about it?! You accuse me of having some kind of designs on your boyfriend and you tell me don't worry about it?

Jane - Hair! (Daria yanks on her hair) Ow!

Daria - Sorry.

Jane - Maybe we'd better talk about this later.

Daria - There's nothing to talk about. You're delusional.

Jane - Oh, well, in that case I can just talk to myself about it.

(later, in the living room, Daria and Jane are watching television; Jane's head is covered with a shower cap)

SSW Announcer - Thomas Jefferson. Philosopher. Inventor. President... and keeper of one saucy journal! The declaration of in my pants, tonight on Sick, Sad World.

Jane - So that wasn't so difficult, was it?

Daria - Which part -- the hair coloring or the accusation of betrayal?

Jane - Oh, Daria, look, forget it. I imagined the whole thing.

Daria - That's right.

Jane - Okay! Now, on to more important stuff.

(Jane removes the shower cap, revealing jagged orange blotches instead of smooth blonde stripes)

Jane - Am I striped yet?

Daria (wide-eyed) - Um, no, not quite yet.

Jane - Is anything happening up there?

Daria - Uh... you know, I think I should probably get home.

Jane - Aw, come on! Don't you want to stick around for the fun? (gets up and heads over to a mirror)

Daria - Definitely not.

Jane - Come on, Daria, you must want to see... aah! What did you do to me?

Daria - I told you I was no good at this!

Jane - Can't you paint a lousy stripe?

Daria - I don't... I...

Jane - You did this on purpose! To take Tom away from me!

Daria - What?!

Jane - Get out of here, Daria!

Daria - Let me fix it!

Jane - How?

Daria - I don't know!

Jane - Just... get... out!

(crushed, Daria slowly turns and walks out of the house)

(in Trent's car)

(Trent is driving, and Jane is in the passenger seat; she's wearing a baseball cap to cover her hair)

Jane - Look, you're going to have to go into the drugstore and get the dye. Just get anything black. And nothing named after a crop, okay?

Trent - Sure. Don't worry, it'll be cool.

Jane - I could kill Daria.

Trent - Whoa. Why?

Jane - I'm telling you, she wanted to screw up my hair. Anyone with the least bit of painting experience couldn't possibly do that bad a job by accident.

Trent - I didn't know she paints.

Jane - Huh? Oh. She doesn't.

Trent - Then why did she think she could do your hair?

Jane - Well... she didn't. Actually, I kind of made her.

Trent - Why did you do that?

(Jane doesn't have an answer for that)

(cut to a montage of scenes: Daria ringing the doorbell at Jane's house, and Daria at school trying to call Jane at home; both are met with no success)

(Daria walks down the hall, and is approached by Jodie)

Jodie - Hey, Daria. Where's Jane?

Daria - Mm, I don't know. Maybe sick or something.

Jodie - Really? That's too bad. She had some big surprise she was going to unveil today. She kept talking about the lady or the tiger.

Daria - Um, the tiger turned out to be more of a penguin with eczema.

Jodie - What?

(a little ways down the hall, the Fashion Club is conducting business as usual)

Sandi - All right then. Our ongoing evaluation of new blushes continues this afternoon at Quinn's house with a roundtable discussion of blush strategy and philosophy.

Tiffany - I love philosophy.

Stacy - It's so good of you to have us over for this, Quinn!

Quinn - Well, you know what I tell myself. Quinn, if not you, who? If not now, when?

Daria - If not leave, puke.

Jodie - When you talk to Jane, tell her I hope she feels better.

Daria - You mean if I talk to her.

(Daria walks away, leaving a concerned Jodie behind)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria again tries to call Jane, with no luck; she hangs up and dials another number)

(in Helen's office, Helen is on the phone, speed-ranting at a subordinate)

Helen - Look, our entire strategy depends on you analyzing those printouts before the weekend. I don't care if your mother's getting married! I don't care if your mother's getting executed! Do you understand?!

(phone rings)

Marianne - Hello?

Daria - Um, Marianne? This is Daria Morgendorffer. Is my mother available?

Helen - What? That's not a nice thing to say about an 80-year-old?

Marianne - Um, Daria, is it very important? This isn't a great time.

Helen - Well, if your mother's 80, what the hell is she doing dragging some poor bastard to the altar?! Oh!

Daria - Um, no, I'll call back. Thanks.

(she hangs up, then dials another number)

Tom - Hello?

Daria - Tom?

Tom - Daria? To what do I owe the pleasure?

(split-screen between Daria and Tom)

Daria - Have you heard from Jane?

Tom - Sort of. Why?

Daria - It's about that striping job...

Tom - Uh-oh.

Daria - Yeah. I really, um, kind of botched it big-time, and she didn't come to school and she's not answering the phone, so I just wanted to make sure she's all right.

Tom - Well, she was all right enough to call me late last night, yelling stuff I didn't understand and making freaky accusations.

Daria - Oh...

Tom - I'm really getting tired of this, Daria, you know? It's like we talked about at the parade...

Daria - I think I'm going to go over there and see how she's doing.

Tom - Oh. Oh, yeah. Good idea.

Daria - Yeah. Got to go. Bye. (hangs up)

Tom - Bye.

(at Jane's house)

(Daria rings the doorbell, and a back-to-normal-looking Jane answers)

Jane - I figured you'd turn up sooner or later.

Daria - Hey, your hair looks okay.

Jane - Yeah, I dyed it back. I'll pass for human.

Daria - I'm really sorry. I warned you. That doesn't make it any better. I'm sorry. I feel kind of awkward.

Jane - Really? I hadn't noticed.

(Jane and Daria sit on the living room couch)

Daria - So if you look okay, then why didn't you come to school? Why didn't you answer the phone?

Jane - To be honest, I've been feeling kind of overwhelmed lately, and after the hair thing and all, I figured I'd give myself a mental health day.

Daria - Overwhelmed? Why?

Jane - Why do you think?

Daria - I don't know. I didn't screw your hair up on purpose. I would never do that.

Jane - Yeah, I know. What about that other thing I said?

Daria - What thing? Um, you were just upset.

Jane - What about it, Daria?

Daria - What?

(Jane gives Daria a "you know damn well what I'm talking about" look)

Daria - Tom? Me try to take Tom away from you? Are you crazy?

Jane - Okay, maybe not trying to steal him or anything. But what's going on with you two?

Daria - What do you mean? Nothing! I mean, okay, I don't hate him so much anymore, but that's not exactly an affair to remember.

Jane - So you don't want to go out with him?

Daria - Of course not.

Jane - And you've never... made out or anything?

Daria - Come on!

Jane - I know! I'm sorry!

Daria - Can you picture me making out with anyone? Ever?

Jane - (pauses to think) Can I stop short of your wedding night? (pause) Okay. Well, then, hair apology accepted. Life goes on.

Daria - Do you want to get some more "busy barnyard blonde" and try again?

Jane - Have you gone completely, utterly mad?

(Daria is walking home, and as she approaches her house, she sees Tom parked in front)

Tom - Hey.

Daria - What are you doing here?

Tom - I wanted to talk to you. Your sister said you weren't home so I figured I'd wait out here.

Daria - Do you want to come in?

Tom - No! There are girls in there rubbing stuff on each other's cheeks and making animal noises. I got kind of scared.

Daria - That's just the opening rites of the Blushathon. At least you got out before the rhythmic chanting.

Tom - Oh, yeah, I think I saw that on the Discovery Channel. Why don't you get in the car?

(Daria hesitates, then climbs into the passenger seat)

Daria - Did you want to talk about Jane?

Tom - Nope.

Daria - Oh. Then... what?

Tom - About our situation.

Daria - I don't know what you mean. We have no situation. Leave me alone, I gotta go.

Tom - Wait. Why is everyone so mad at me?

Daria - Why? Why? Because I moved to this town and I knew immediately I'd be a total outcast. And in the one moment of good luck I've had in my entire life, I met another outcast who I could really be friends with and not have to feel completely alone. And then you came along and screwed the whole thing up!

Tom - All I did was meet a girl I thought was cool and I went out with her for a while. We started to get bored with each other. It happens all the time. It's nobody's fault.

Daria - Oh yeah? Would you still be bored with her if I weren't around?

Tom - Probably. And more to the point, she'd be bored with me. It's got nothing to do with you.

Daria - Good. Because I'm not interested in you, and I'd be stabbing my friend in the back if I even considered it.

Tom - Exactly. And what kind of a jerk would that make me?

Daria - Exactly.

Tom - All right then.

Daria - Okay.

(Tom suddenly leans over and kisses Daria, who seems to enjoy it... until she finally comprehends what she's doing)

Daria - Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Tom - I liked it, too.

Daria - That's not funny!

Tom - I know.

(she and Tom then engage in another lip-lock, this time deliberately)

Tom - That was definitely not funny.

Daria - I gotta go!

(Daria scrambles out of the car and runs into the house, leaving Tom alone with his thoughts)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Jake is sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper as Daria walks in; she's a virtual zombie, torn and conflicted over what happened between her and Tom the previous night)

Jake - They're going to make it illegal to shoot squirrels? Dammit, what kind of town is this? Oh, hey, kiddo! How's it going? Still got a little stardust in your eyes, eh? You can't drown them, either?! Dammit! Oh my gosh! Let's finish this later, okay, Daria?

(Jake leaves just as Quinn walks into the kitchen)

Quinn - Oh yeah, Daria? You probably want to stay away from the house this afternoon. The Fashion Club is entering the final phase of our blush evaluation and things could get heated and even if they don't, I'm just afraid you'd find the whole thing terribly tedious and I'd hate to see you bored like that. Okay? Thanks!

(Quinn looks over at Daria, who hasn't given any indication that she's even heard her)

Quinn - Daria...? Did you hear me?

Daria - Is Mom around?

Quinn - What?

Daria - I need to talk to Mom.

Quinn - Good luck. She's only been working 18-hour days at that job of hers.

Daria - If your best friend were going out with someone and you kissed him, would you tell her?

Quinn - Are you crazy? Why would I do that? God, Daria, you've got to lay off all those books before it's too late!

(Quinn leaves the kitchen with a bowl of cereal, leaving Daria alone and confused once again)

(at school)

(Daria is walking in the hall when Jane catches up to her)

Jane - Hey!

Daria - Oh. Hi.

Jane - What's up? What's going on? How you doing?

Daria - Great.

Jane - No walkee to school today? What happened?

(no response from Daria)

Jane - Hey, what's up? Talk to me.

Daria - I kissed your boyfriend.

(that's not a response Jane expected; she freezes on the spot, wide-eyed and disbelieving)

Jane - What?

Daria - I kissed your boyfriend. I kissed Tom. I didn't mean to.

(with a frown, Jane runs off at top speed, leaving Daria alone in a knot of students)

Daria - I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

(at the Sloane house)

(Jane rings the doorbell, and Tom answers the door)

Tom - Oh. Hi!

Jane - Oh, hi. Go to hell! (she starts hitting him with both fists)

Tom - Hey... uh... stop... ow!

Jane - How could you?! How could you?!

Tom - I didn't mean to! It just happened!

Jane - How could she?!

Tom - She didn't do anything! It was all my fault!

Jane - Oh, don't give me that!

Tom - She didn't want any part of this! I screwed everything up!

(pause)

Jane - Now what?

Tom - I don't know.

(cut to the back yard; Jane and Tom are sitting on an old wooden swing set)

Tom - I'm a real idiot. There's no question about that.

Jane - Who's arguing?

Tom - We should have just broken up and I never should have dragged Daria into it.

Jane - What do you mean, we should have just broken up?!

Tom - Come on. We weren't going anywhere. We were about to break up.

Jane - (grudgingly) Yeah. So now what? You going to go out with her? I guess I gotta get a new best friend.

Tom - What are you talking about?

Jane - What am I going to do, tag along on your dates? Forget it. That's too weird for me.

Tom - Yeah. I don't know why we expected her to do it.

Jane - (sarcastically) You're going to have just a super time dating Daria. She loves to have fun.

Tom - I didn't say I was going to date her. I know how antisocial she is.

Jane - Hey, she's all right. Give her a chance.

Tom - What are you talking about? You want me to go out with her?

Jane - Of course not. I mean, I don't know. Just... look. All that time... were you going out with me just to get to her?

Tom - Are you crazy?

Jane - I don't know. Am I?

Tom - I really like you, Jane. You're smart and you're funny, you have a great attitude... you do everything on your own terms. You're, like, from a cooler world.

Jane - I am, aren't I?

Tom - You really are.

Jane - Too bad you're such a dork.

Tom - I know.

(at Helen's office)

Helen - Why can't I ever find anything around here? Do you all want me to go insane?

(Marianne opens the door)

Marianne - Helen? Helen?

Helen - What is it? I told you not to interrupt me for anything! I have no time to waste!

(Marianne opens the door wider to reveal Daria, looking like she's trying desperately not to cry)

Helen - (shocked) Daria?

(at The Settlement restaurant)

(Helen and Daria are seated at a booth; Daria is finishing up her tale of woe)

Daria - ...so that's it. Of all the guys in the world to kiss, I pick the one who's going out with my best friend. Now I don't know what's going on, I have nobody to talk to about it, and that's why I came to you.

Helen - (misunderstanding) Oh.

Daria - I didn't mean it that way.

Helen - (brightening) Oh. Well, it's not easy being a teenager, Daria. You have all these new feelings and sensations...

Daria - Mom, spare me the puberty speech. I kissed my best friend's boyfriend.

Helen - I'm sure it was just a one-time...

Daria - Twice.

Helen - (sighs) It's a lousy situation, Daria. But you didn't set out to hurt anyone.

Daria - Neither do those bus drivers who go flying off an embankment on their way to the casino.

Helen - Daria... nobody got killed.

Daria - No, but I can't imagine how I could have hurt Jane more.

Helen - What about Tom?

Daria - I'm not thinking about Tom! (sighs) You know... I had everything more or less under control. I'm not saying it was great, but I could deal with school, I could deal with home, and now nothing's under control.

Helen - It never is, sweetie. We just tell ourselves otherwise so we can function.

Daria - Who came up with that stupid arrangement?

Helen - It's called life.

Daria - Life sucks.

Helen - Yes. Sometimes. (pause) Often.

Daria - That's reassuring.

Helen - But it still beats the alternative. Honey, things will work out. I don't know how, but they will.

Daria - You don't know how? What kind of parental wisdom is that?

Helen - Honest?

Daria - Don't you have to be getting back to that huge case of yours?

Helen - Oh, don't worry about that. It's completely under control.

(Daria smiles slightly at Helen's joke, showing there's some signs of improvement)

(cut to a very dejected Jane walking down the street; Trent pulls alongside in his car, obviously having heard about the situation with Tom)

Trent - Yo.

Jane - Hey.

Trent - What you doing?

Jane - Walking.

Trent - Hair looks fine.

Jane - Thanks.

Trent - Lift?

Jane - Nah.

Trent - Come on. We need to go for more rides.

(Jane pauses, then accepts the inevitable)

Jane - Okay.

(in the car)

Trent - Hey, you know, about Tom and all... it'll be okay.

Jane - Yeah, some part of me knows that. Some part of me is actually saying that breaking up is right.

Trent - Maybe it is.

Jane - So how come every five minutes I feel like I'm going to throw up?

Trent - I don't know. You haven't been eating out of the refrigerator again, have you?

(that has the intended effect, as Jane's spirits are momentarily lifted)

Jane - (teasing) Idiot.

Trent - Where are we going, anyway?

Jane - Daria's.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(the doorbell rings; Daria answers the door, to find Jane standing there)

Jane - Hello.

Daria - Hi.

Jane - Pizza?

Daria - I'm not really hungry.

Jane - Neither am I.

(the two sit down in the living room)

Daria - I didn't want to tell you, but I had to. It's not going to happen again. Ever.

Jane - Tom and I broke up.

Daria - What? Not because of me!

Jane - No. Not because of you. So I don't care if you go out with him. It's fine with me.

Daria - Come on, nobody's that well-adjusted.

Jane - I'm sure as hell not, but Tom and you makes more sense than Tom and me. So you go ahead and date him, and I'll get used to going out for pizza by myself.

Daria - I don't want you to do that.

Jane - Why not? It's what you've been doing all year.

Daria - So you don't hate me?

Jane - Of course I hate you! You say you'll stay away from him and five minutes later you're making out in a car! Why did you even get in?

Daria - I thought we were going to talk about you! I think that's what I thought.

(pause)

Jane - The lady or the tiger. You've turned out to be a little of both, eh?

Daria - I swear, I didn't...

Jane - I know. I don't know why I made you color my hair in the first place. Maybe I was trying to bring something to a head.

Daria - Hair. Head. I get it.

(an uncomfortable silence hangs in the air for several moments)

Daria - So... what happens now?

Jane - I was hoping you knew.

Daria - Are we still friends? (pause) Are we?

Jane - Yeah. We're the kind of friends who can't stand the sight of each other.

Daria - Temporarily, right?

Jane - I hope so, Daria. I'll see you. (gets up and leaves)

(later, Daria is alone in her room, lost in her thoughts, when the phone suddenly rings)

Daria - Quinn! (phone rings) Quinn, phone! (it rings again) Oh, to hell with it. (picks up the phone) Hello?

Tom (on phone) - Daria? It's Tom.

(closing credits)