A Tale of Two Tables

[Lincoln is quietly eating dinner when Lana suddenly pokes him in the face with a wiener] LINCOLN: "Would you cut it out?"[as he resumes eating, Lola also pokes and smacks him with a wiener] "Come on, man! Stop!" [the twins continue hitting him with their wieners] "I said cut it out!" [It is revealed that Lincoln is having dinner at the kiddie table with his five younger sisters; he gets up to go to the fridge] LINCOLN: [to the viewers] "In most families, the 'kiddie table' is something you only see at holidays. But in a family as big as mine, it's part of everyday life." [pours a glass of milk] LANA: "Hey, Lincoln. You like seafood?" [sticks her tongue out showing mushed up pieces of food on it] "See? Food! Bleeeeegh!" LOLA: "Hey, Lucy!" [sticks two french fries between her teeth and acts like a vampire] "I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!" [squirts ketchup] [the ketchup splatters all over Lincoln's face and his younger sisters smear their fries on it to get some ketchup] LINCOLN: "For gosh sakes, you guys! Cut it out! [rubs ketchup off face and groans] [to the viewers] "It's not right. My five older sisters get to sit at the grownup table with Mom and Dad, while I'm stuck here with my five younger sisters." [Lucy smacks a piece of broccoli off Lincoln's fork] LUCY: "How can you eat that broccoli when you know how much it suffered to get here?" LINCOLN: "Uh, Lucy...broccoli doesn't feel pain." LUCY: "Oh, no?" [shoves a piece of broccoli in Lincoln's face] "Listen to the broccoli screaming, Lincoln! LISTEN TO IT!" [Lincoln screams in frustration and agony, much to the shock of his younger sisters] LINCOLN: "CAN'T I JUST EAT MY DINNER IN PEACE?!" LANA: "Did you say peas?" [jokingly flings peas at Lincoln] [Lincoln blocks Lana's peas with his plate, causing them to bounce off and onto Lisa, which Lola laughs at her] LISA: "Oh, you wanna play? Let's play..." [brings out a tiny catapult and launches mashed potatoes only to hit Lincoln instead of Lana, much to Lana's surprise] "My calibration seems to have been off by about sixteen degrees." [Lana hits Lisa with her wiener] LANA: "Mine wasn't." [as his sisters have a food fight, Lincoln imagines himself at the grownup table, where everyone is dressed in fancy attire and the decor is exquisite] LINCOLN: "So, I said to the Prime Minister, "Two breads are better than one!" [everyone laughs at his joke] LUAN: "Your comedy is so mature. Just like you." [everyone raises their glasses to propose a toast to Lincoln] LORI: "To Lincoln! He puts the 'grownup' in 'grownup table'!" EVERYBODY: "To Lincoln!" [Lincoln blows kisses to them all only for the food fight to come and ruin his fantasy] LINCOLN: "That's it! I don't belong here! I'm gonna go ask to join the grownup table!" LOLA: "Ha!" LANA: "Good luck." LUCY: "You really think they're gonna let you?" LILY, LISA, LOLA, and LANA: "Oooooooh!" [Lincoln suddenly imagines everyone at the grownup table laughing at his request to join them which causes his younger sisters to laugh as well] LINCOLN: "You'll see. I'm gonna make it to the grownup table and leave all you children behind." [gets hit by mashed potatoes again]

[cut to Lincoln's room where he has called Clyde over to help him] CLYDE: "Well, Lincoln, you've come to the right place. As an only child, I've been at the grownup table my whole life." LINCOLN: "So, you think you can help me?" CLYDE: "Did Napoleon have a Napoleon complex?" [Lincoln responds with a dumbfounded look on his face] "That's a grownup table joke. You don't get it now, but you will soon. Now, don't worry. I have a sure-fire program that'll get your family to stop seeing you as a kid." [lays right on top of Bun-Bun] LINCOLN: "And start seeing me as a grownup!" [notices Clyde's position] "Careful! You're giving Bun-Bun an ouchie!" [grabs Bun-Bun and protectively holds him; Clyde stares at the camera in confusion]

Training By Clyde: Phase One: Act Like A Grownup [Lori, Luna, Luan, and Lynn are still in their pajamas and groggy, trying to enjoy their coffee; enter Lincoln] LINCOLN: "Good morning, everybody! Ah, nothing like that first cup of morning joe." (smells it) "Ah, mountain grown." [takes a sip but then spits it out disliking the taste] [The coffee was spat all over his sisters who aren't too happy about that, making him nervous, he turns to Clyde; Clyde gives a thumbs-up]

[Lori and Leni are on the couch; Lori is texting on her phone and Leni is filing her nails; enter Lincoln reading a newspaper] LINCOLN: "Hey, guys. There's a really interesting article in here about how kids are maturing faster these days. They say 11 is the new 15." [Lori and Leni take a quick glance at Lincoln and go back to what they were doing; Lincoln then turns on the TV to a White House press conference] LINCOLN: "Ooh, the House is debating the new highways bill. This should be fascinating." LORI: [she and Leni feeling a little worried about their brother] "Are you feeling okay?" LINCOLN "Me? Never felt better. Though the back's a little stiff. Getting older ain't easy. Am I right, ladies?" [Lori and Leni look at each other, shrug, and return to their tasks; Lincoln turns to Clyde who approves of his actions]

[Lola and Lana are fighting over a jump rope] LOLA: "I was using it first!" LANA: "Nuh-uh! I was!" LOLA: "Give it to me!" LANA: "You clearly took it away from me!" LYNN SR.: [from downstairs] "Lola! Lana! What's going on?" LINCOLN "Don't worry, Dad. I got this. Now, children, if you can't share the jump rope, then neither of you gets to use it." [pulls out a pair of scissors and cuts the jump rope in two] "Heh, kids. They just don't get it, huh, Dad?" [Lynn Sr. scratches his head in confusion and walks away; the twins beat Lincoln up for ruining their jump rope]

[Lincoln is getting ready to shave] LINCOLN: "Ah, nothing like a nice, smooth face to start the day." [Luan walks by and has no idea what he's talking about] LINCOLN: "Yup!" [prepares to shave; cut to him having cut himself a lot in his attempt and placed shreds of toilet paper on the cuts] "Maybe I shouldn't have used the razor Mom shaves her legs with." CLYDE: "Never mind that. Our plan is working. You're showing your family that you belong at the grownup table. Now comes phase two: how to act once you get there."

Training By Clyde: Phase Two: Advanced Table Manners [Clyde has set up cardboard dummies of Lincoln's older sisters and parents to practice with] CLYDE: "This is the grownup table simulator. Now, show me your salad fork." [Lincoln grabs a fork as a wild guess] LINCOLN: "This one?" [Clyde blasts an air horn] CLYDE: "Wrong. That's your dinner fork. Now, have some bread." [Lincoln accidentally grabs the piece of bread on the Lori dummy's plate] "Wrong! You just ate Lori's bread!" [flirting with the Lori dummy] "Don't worry, beautiful. I'll share my buns with you." [Lincoln blows the horn at him] LINCOLN: "Clyde!" CLYDE: "Sorry. Where were we?" [training resumes] LINCOLN: [to the Lynn dummy] "So, Lynn...how about those Republicans?" [Clyde blows the horn] CLYDE: "Wrong! Never talk politics! Again." LINCOLN: "Um...we can really use some rain?" [a bell chimes; now they're using flash cards] LINCOLN: "Soup spoon. Salad fork. Butter knife. Dessert plate. A...candid picture of Lori?" CLYDE: (realizing) "Oh! How'd that get in there?"

[Lincoln is preparing himself with Clyde dressed as a boxing trainer] CLYDE: "You're making great strides, Lincoln. You feel it? Keep it up! You got heart, kid!" LINCOLN: "Yeah, yeah! I'm all grown up!" CLYDE: "Not yet. You have one last step."

Training By Clyde: Phase Three: Look Like a Grownup [after some suiting up and grooming, Clyde has Lincoln ready] CLYDE "I think my work here is done. Ready for the grownup table, big guy?" LINCOLN: "Did Napoleon have a Napoleon complex?" (they laugh) "I still don't get it." CLYDE: "Me neither."

[Dinnertime, Lincoln approaches the grownup table] LINCOLN: "Good evening. I have something I'd like to say! [gets everyone's attention; reading a speech] "There comes a time in every kid's life when he's ready to put away childish things and make that big leap into the adult world." LORI: [impatient and not caring] "Get to the point, Lincoln." LINCOLN: "Okay." [takes a deep breath] "I don't think I should sit at the kiddie table anymore. I want to sit at the grownup table with you." [grins] [everyone stares at him] LYNN SR.: "Well...I think he's ready." RITA: "So do I." LINCOLN: "Yes! WOO HOO!" [tears up part of his suit from cheering] LYNN SR.: "Is that my suit?!"

[Lincoln is now sitting at the grownup table and handed tonight's dish] LINCOLN: [slightly disgusted] "Liver? I thought we were having chicken nuggets." RITA: "That's just for the younger kids, honey. At the grownup table, we eat grownup food." LINCOLN: "And thank goodness for that!" [hands the liver over to Luna and picks up a fork] "Liver fork!" [everyone stares at him and he just starts eating; eventually, the conversation gets a little boring for him] RITA: "So, Lynn, how did you do on your math test today?" LYNN: "Good, Mom. I think I really nailed those integers." LYNN SR.: "So, Lori, I heard Bobby's dad had a hernia operation. How'd that go?" LORI: "Um...okay, I guess." LINCOLN: [trying to beat the boredom] "Hey! I heard a funny joke today." LUAN: "We don't tell jokes at the grownup table." LUNA: "Or sing, brah." [Lincoln now feels even more bored after what he was just told and hears his younger sisters over by the kiddie table having fun] LISA, LOLA, LANA, and LUCY: "Beans, beans, the musical fruit! The more you eat, the more you-" [Lana then makes fart noises with her armpit and they all have a good laugh; Lincoln slightly chuckles at their antics] LYNN SR.: "Something funny, Lincoln?" LINCOLN: "Not at this table." [later] LYNN SR.: "So, it turns out we didn't need the service call in the first place. The darn copier was just unplugged." RITA: [laughs] "How about that?" [Later, Lincoln's younger sisters are all having sundaes for dessert, giving Lincoln hope that there is one thing to look forward to at the grownup table] RITA: "Okay...you're all excused." LINCOLN: [calmly] "Uh, Mother...I believe you forgot something. Dessert?" RITA: "Oh, that's just for the younger kids." LINCOLN: [exasperated] "Ugh. Seriously?!" [his older sisters stare at him] "I mean, uh, seriously, who needs the extra calories?" LYNN SR.: "That's right, son. Say, how does it feel sitting at the ol' grownup table, huh?" LINCOLN: [disappointed] "It's everything I dreamed it would be." [later at bedtime; Lincoln calls Clyde on his walkie talkie] LINCOLN: "Clyde! The grownup table is a nightmare! I didn't realize how good I had it at the kiddie table! I gotta get back." CLYDE: "Negative, Lincoln. You can't ask to leave now. Next time you ask your family for something, they won't take you seriously. Is that what you want?" LINCOLN: "No, but-" CLYDE: "Now I gotta run. My parents and I are doing our taxes!" [leaves] LINCOLN: "I gotta do something."

[It appears to be dinnertime the next night] LINCOLN: "Look, you guys. I thought about it, and I really don't belong here. I think I should go back to the kiddie table." LUNA: [in a trance] "You can't go back. You can never go back, bro!" [the room suddenly gets darker, and Lincoln is shackled to his chair] LENI: "You're one of us now...a grownup..." [reveals tonight's dish which appears to be Clyde's head] CLYDE: "Better start working on those taxes, Lincoln!" [Lincoln reviles in horror, breaks free, and runs for the kiddie table only to be stopped by his parents] LYNN SR.: "Where do you think you're going?!" [pan up to reveal that his parents' heads are now cooked turkeys, scaring Lincoln] LINCOLN: [panicking] "PLEASE! I HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE KIDDIE TABLE! I'M NOT A GROWNUP YET! I'M STILL A KID!" [suddenly, he is chained and bound to the grownup table, doomed to be a grownup like his older sisters] LYNN, LUAN, LUNA, LENI, and LORI: [chanting] "One of us. One of us. One of us." LINCOLN: "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" [He falls into a void of despair as his sisters continue chanting his fate]

[Lincoln wakes up in his room, revealing it all to have been a nightmare] LINCOLN: [gasps] "It's all my fault. I worked so hard to prove I'm a grownup." [looks at Bun-Bun and then gets an idea] "Hmm...maybe it's time to act my age."

[the next night at dinner] LINCOLN: "Lincoln Loud in the house! Where my grownups at?" [plays with his silverwares] "Are you ready to chow?" [his sisters stare at his behavior confused] LINCOLN: [puts pieces of asparagus between his teeth] "I vant to suck your blood!" RITA: "Lincoln! Please don't do that!" [Lincoln wipes the asparagus from his mouth and takes Luna's piece of bread] LUNA: "Yo! That's mine!" LINCOLN "Was it? Hey, Leni. You like seafood? See? Food! BLEEEEEGH!" [sticks his tongue out with mushed up bread on it] LENI: [disgusted] "Lincoln! Gross!" LINCOLN: [talking with his mouth full as pieces of food gush out] "Hey! How about those republicans?" LYNN: "Ugh! Lincoln! Say it, don't spray it!" LINCOLN: "I didn't hear the magic word...PEAS!" [flings peas at Lynn] LYNN: [starting to give in] "Oh, it is on!" [but holds back] "I mean...grow up, Lincoln." LINCOLN: "Good grub, Dad. It reminds me of a song. Beans, beans, the musical fruit! The more you eat, the more you-" [farts on cue] "Everybody now!" [keeps farting] LYNN SR.: [fed up with his son's immature behavior] "Lincoln Loud, that is enough!" RITA: [also fed up] "I thought you were ready for the grownup table, but clearly, you are not." LINCOLN: "You're a tough lady Mom, but fair. Laters! [he leaves]

LINCOLN: [back at the kiddie table] "Hey, guys! I'm back!" [hit by mashed potatoes and rubs it off] "Ah, it's good to be home. [sits down] "What did I miss? Let's...ketchup!" [squirts ketchup at his younger sisters; laughs and gets hit by potatoes three times] [they all begin a food fight to celebrate Lincoln's return and Lynn pops in on them] LYNN: "Hey...can I join you guys?" LINCOLN: "Sure. The more, the merrier." LYNN: [sitting down next to her younger brother] "Oh. I never knew it was possible to make it out of the grownup table." [Both of them stare to their left to see Lori, Leni, Luna, and Luan] LORI: "Psst! Can we join, too?" [Much to the joy of the younger siblings, they too are happy to be at the kiddie table as they pull in chairs and sit down altogether] LUAN: [in between Lincoln and Lana] "Wow! Chicken nuggets! I haven't seen these in years!" [gets hit by mashed potatoes] [Excited, all the Loud kids engage in a big food fight, altogether at the kiddie table laughing with joy] LINCOLN: [to the viewers] "There really is no rush to get to the grownup table. It's gonna happen eventually. So in the meantime, might as well enjoy being a kid." LYNN SR.: "Finally, a little peace and quiet." RITA: "Did you say peas?" [flings peas at her husband] [they both laugh as they too enjoy these kinds of shenanigans]