The Drunk Train

Sorry this is taking so long.

He kicked for everybody else.

It's hard for the little guy to perform under pressure.

Top ten things Marshall said on his wedding night.

(laughter)

Whoa! It was small, but I think I felt something.

Top ten things Lily said on her wedding night.

Stop laughing at it, Lily.

All: Top ten things Marshall said on his wedding night!

Can we please talk about something other than my wedding night?

Absolutely. Let's talk about last night.

It was a night like any other.

I was just about to get laid...

Hey, Barney, I need your help.

This hottie I'm talking to is meeting her friend at a club, so I need a wingman.

Well, just so you know, I'd be giving up a sure thing here.

Hey!

Are you not a sure thing?

Yeah, I am.

This "friend" of yours better be even hotter and dumber than this one.

Wow! You have Enormous pen1s Syndrome?

I've never heard of that. Yeah.

That's the problem with E.P.S.: lack of awareness.

That's why I'm organizing a 10K fun-run.

Of course, many of us will need wheelbarrows.

You are so brave.

And you are so understanding.

Most people just stare at me like I'm some kind of freak in reinforced underwear.

Poor, baby.

I can't imagine what you're going through because I never wear underwear.

(coughs) Jackpot!

You want to get out of here?

Oh, I don't know. This is all moving kind of fast. Okay.

Oh, but before we go, I should mention my condition.

It's called: I'm Not a Gullible Dumbass Disorder.

Okay, just stop.

You have no chance with me.

We're just here as backups for our friends.

Hey, how did you two meet, anyway?

No, we're not doing that first date dance where you pretend everything I say is fascinating, thinking it'll somehow get you into my pants.

What? Guys don't do that!

Goat cheese? Fascinating!

What else are you allergic to, huh?

You owe me three hours for last night, Mosby.

I'm thinking, laser tag tournament in Newark this weekend.

Ted can pass for under 18, right?

It's a father-son thing.

Marshall, we should get going. Any later, and we'll be riding the Drunk Train. Oh.

The Drunk Train?

It's the last train of the night back to Long Island. It's a mess.

Lily: Just a bunch of drunk, sloppy idiots, fresh off a night of partying in the city, just desperate to hook up with anything that moves.

Yeah. Bye.

Marshall: See you.

New plan, Ted.

So this father-son thing.

You know, a backwards baseball cap really youngs me down.

All aboard!

(train chugging, train whistle toots)

♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x16 ♪

The Drunk Train

Original Air Date on February 13, 2012

Narrator: For Valentine's weekend, Lily and Marshall invited Kevin and Robin on a couple's getaway to Vermont.

Both: Mmm.

16 years together, and still so in love.

Marshall: Mm. What's your secret?

The key to relationships is understanding the difference between hearing and listening.

It's about respecting your partner's...

Opinions on...

Hey, shh, shh, shh. Kind of on a roll here.

Relationships are a give and take, and that's why it's important to never keep score.

Lily: Yeah, like how Barney's holding these three hours over Ted's head.

If they were a couple, they'd never work.

Obviously. Ted's a Taurus, and Barney is such a Scorpio.

Good advice. Don't keep score.

They're not even close to finished.

How do we not keep score, you ask?

Huh. Hm.

Sounds like somebody want to hear some examples, sweetie.

Mm-hmm.

I'm just gonna close my eyes until it's all over.

Top ten things Lily said on her wedding night.

Solid.

Here's one.

Every time Marshall's mom comes to visit us,

we have to put out all the tacky Minnesota gifts

she's bought us over the years.

Hi, Mom! Hi, Mrs. Eriksen!

Marshall.

Uh-huh. I don't see the gopher-hair tea cozy I made you.

(sighs) Guess it wasn't good enough for Lily.

But I'd never hold that over Marshall, because if I did, he'd owe me big-time.

Just like I would never hold it over you for dragging me to that experimental theater piece.

(woman screaming onstage)

(sustained, intense screaming)

Is it... is it just screaming?

But we don't keep score.

Gotcha, loud and clear. Don't keep score.

Because if we did, then Marshall would owe me for killing my cousin's dog.

How did I know that he would eat my wallet?

Why was your wallet filled with chocolate?!

So we're back to this argument!

Narrator: That night, Barney and I found ourselves in a strange, new universe called...

The Drunk Train.

Hey!

Where has this heavenly vehicle been all my life?

Can you hear its inspiring chant, Ted?

I think I can get laid, I think I can get laid.

It's-it's The Little Engine with Wood, The Whore-ient Express.

The Long Island Tail Road!

Oh, I got one.

Thomas the Spank Engine!

Ted, that is a children's book.

(bottle shattering)

Okay, as fun as this place is, it's late.

So, what's our play?

And don't say, "The Siamese Twins""

We're not stretching out another one of my jackets.

No, dude, this is the Drunk Train.

We don't need a play!

All we have to do is sit back, play it cool, scope out the hotties, and by the end of the line, we will totally be sleeping with someone.

(both snoring)

(bottle smashing)

You know, you are so great.

You sat there listening to Marshall and Lily bicker all night, and you didn't complain once.

Well, I am a therapist, so I do plan on billing them.

I also have a couple powerful medications that might help.

Lily can't take anything; she's pregnant.

I meant for us.

If we're getting through five more meals and a sleigh ride with those guys, we need to be spaced out of our gourds.

Well, if we are keeping score, I owe you one weekend, mister.

I was thinking a little longer than that.

What do you mean?

Robin, will you marry me?

Look, I know this is fast.

I'm just excited to start a life with you.

If that's what you want.

Wow.

Um...

I'm-I'm not saying no.

I'm-I'm not saying anything.

I just, um... I-I need some time to think.

I totally understand.

Um, take as much time as you need.

I'll just, uh... I'll just keep this here until you're ready.

(laughs)

(sighs)

Any chance we could put that bad boy away for now?

It's really just staring at us, isn't it?

(panting): Ted! Ted! Ted!

I thought of some new great names for the Drunk Train.

Slamtrak!

Uh-huh.

The Chatta-Nookie Choo-Choo!

Thomas the Spank Engine! I said that one yesterday.

(in high-pitched voice): I don't think you did.

Wow. Someone's had some coffee.

Yeah. 18 cups!

There is no way I'm falling asleep tonight!

That Quinn girl is so wrong.

She said I could never love anything, but I love this train!

She said you could never love anything? That's intense.

Oh, you have no idea.

Stop staring. Not gonna happen.

Is there any way we can start over and get to know each other?

I already know you. Oh, really?

You wear a suit all the time.

Obviously.

You have a stupid rule about everything.

I pay for the meal, you handle my deal.

That's just good manners.

But you end most nights alone at a strip club, feeling empty inside, telling yourself your life is somehow epic or classic or... legendary.

I never say epic or classic.

(laughs)

Do you practice the dark arts?

No, they did not forget the potato salad in your takeout order!

(mimes mind exploding)

Wh-What happened next?!

For the last time, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Your debt is paid.

You don't have to come on the Drunk Train anymore.

You're never gonna meet the one there, anyway.

Oh, screw the one!

What?

Every date I've been on lately has been brutal.

Last week, I went out with a girl whose favorite band was Glee.

Plus, it's almost Valentine's Day, and I'm alone without anything close to a girlfriend.

So... all aboard!

I have never been more proud of you.

Come on.

Ted, tonight is gonna be epic--

wait for it-- dary! Wait.

No, that's not it.

How do I usually say it? I hate this Quinn girl!

Well, I propose we order a bottle of wine.

(whispers loudly): Propose!

Not propose. Suggest.

I'm not married to the idea. Lily, take it.

Why don't we get an appetizer?

How about the... onion rings?

I mean, diamond rings.

I mean, diamond circles.

I mean, onion circles.

I know they're fattening, but I hear this place has great onion circles.

So, Robin, about not telling them?

The green salad looks interesting.

You're so much better without him.

If you ask me, Vinnie's a real jerk.

Hey, don't you dare badmouth Vinnie!

Ow!

So what do you do?

Well, I teach architecture, and I also...

Oh, big man with a job.

You think yore better than me?

What...

(chuckles)

So... where do you live?

I'm on the Upper West Side.

Oh, big man. Living in Manhattan.

What, you think you're better than me?

Ehhh!

Ehhhh!

You think you're better than me?!

Well, it's a close one.

Lily made 14 awkward references to marriage, and Marshall made an even 60.

I'm so sorry, Kevin.

It's okay. I'm gonna go to bed, but you guys think tomorrow we can stop with all the marriage talk?

I do. I do.

That's a half a point each.

See you in a minute.

Okay.

(sighs)

So?

Are you any closer to deciding? Ooh...

Uh... well, there is something you don't know.

Um...

Can you guys keep a secret?

Yeah. Well, some of us can.

Well, there's something I have been keeping from everyone for the last couple of months.

Um...

I found out that I can't have children.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

Are you okay?

I can't believe that we didn't know.

No, you know, I've had some... time to deal with this by myself, and...

I'm okay.

For real.

Are you sure?

Yeah. So... even though I love Kevin and I... think I want to say yes, I can't until I tell him.

But I'm scared it'll end our relationship.

Marshall: You know what, Robin?

If it's meant to be, then it won't matter.

Yeah, you just have to tell him.

(groans) Thank God we had the keys to Marshall and Lily's place.

Pretty sure I told you that before you kicked in that side window.

You mean, before the "burglars" kicked in that side window and stole all of Lily's underwear.

(groans)

What the hell happened on that train?

It was absolute chaos.

Ted, when I was at M.I.T., my favorite Einstein quote was: "God doesn't play dice with the universe."

You didn't go to M.I.T.

I didn't?

Huh. I actually have no idea where you went to college.

Who are you?

(chuckles) If we analyze the seemingly random patterns of the train, taking into account standard deviation, and assuming that epsilon approaches zero as angle delta approaches pi, we can conclude...

(snoring)

Damn it, Ted!

I was about to drop some sweet word play about logarithms and getting into a rhythm with my log.

(snoring)

I'll remember it.

Narrator: The next morning, Robin mustered up all her courage and finally told Kevin her secret.

I know that this is a lot to process, so... you take all the time you need.

And I understand... Robin... will you marry me?

Yes.

What are you doing?

The top speed of the Drunk Train is 73 miles per hour, and you factor in an aggregate of 32 boobs per car,

28 of which are motorboatable, and you divide that... No, no, no!

This is all wrong!

It should be so simple!

I mean, it's the Drunk Train!

My God... it's been right in front of us the whole time. "Get drunk""

Yeah.

Of course.

Good circling, Ted.

This ain't my first word search.

So my Mom's already picked a date, venue and caterer for the wedding.

But nothing's set in stone.

My great-aunt's gonna sing.

That's happening.

Are you really okay with this?

Yeah, she's actually got a decent voice.

No, are you... are you okay with everything that we talked about?

Of course, Robin, I love you.

Besides, there are other ways to have kids.

There's adoption, surrogacy...

No, Kevin, it's not just that I can't have kids, I don't want kids.

Oh.

Okay.

Knowing that, do you want to take your proposal back?

Will you marry me?

Oh, you take such good care of me.

Thanks for loaning me your shoes for my swollen feet. Ah!

I owe you one.

We have to stop this.

Stop what?

Keeping score.

You're growing a baby, our baby.

So you're officially ahead of me for life.

Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Once we're parents, we have to be a team. Deal?

(baby crying)

It's your turn!

I was on point for six straight hours yesterday!

Two of those hours were a nap and you know it!

Let's go to the board!

I hope it's a soupy deuce, sucka.

(chortles)

Deal. We're a team.

I was all, "Do I look like I'm from Ronkonkoma?!"

All: Oh...!

That's all you gotta say!

Oh, oh, oh, big man with a briefcase!

What do you think, you're better than me?!

(all laughing)

Hey, our stop's next.

Do you want to join us?

Yeah, I think we do. Nah, we're good.

Too skanky.

Too skanky? Eh...

It's the Drunk Train.

You crossed out all the stops and wrote "Vaginaville."

That's not true.

That one says "Boner Gardens."

(snickers)

What's going on?

Wait. Did that Quinn girl shake your game or something?

Hell no!

At the end of the night...

You know, I went out tonight looking for a cheap, meaningless fling.

But you turned out to be so special.

I'd hate to ruin this friendship with s*x.

Oh, oh, I am willing to take that risk.

Good one, Ted.

Anyway, I'm seriously contemplating purchasing a new ironing board.

Do you think...?

Okay, I'll give you this: You stood by your boy all night, even though you have no chance of getting with me.

That was pretty cool.

Yeah, you know, in retrospect, I think that was the moment you decided to come back to my place and get nasty.

(laughs) Yeah, right.

Get up. You're on my bra.

Sorry.

(grunts)

Where's your bathroom?

Past the kitchen, down the hall.

See, I feel like I would remember you two being naked on your couch in the middle of the club.

Oh, right. That was later in my apartment after we got nasty.

My bad.

So, you want to go to a diner or something?

Wait-wait-wait. You slept with her?

I know, I know.

I'm late on sending the pictures.

I've been swamped.

You like Quinn. I...

That's why you can't stop "complaining" about her.

That's why you just tanked our chance with these... lovely innocent flowers.

I don't even care where we go, but I hate doing it on the ground.

Barney, do you know why I'm on the Drunk Train on Valentine's Day?

Because I have nothing better to do.

No one I can't stop thinking about.

So if you feel something for Quinn, go for it.

Because you're wasting your time here.

We both are.

I don't like Quinn!

Kevin, I love you, but please don't just be the nice guy who says the right thing.

Robin, I want to marry you no matter what.

Assuming you don't turn into a big fat fattie.

See? Right there.

Don't always say the right thing.

Look, you just got a truckload of new information dumped on you.

Will you marry me?

My feelings on kids aren't gonna change.

Will you marry me?

Haven't you always wanted kids?

That was before I fell in love with you.

Well, that's the thing.

Your future always had kids in it.

That is something huge you would be giving up for me.

I just don't think I could ever owe someone that much.

I'm scared that you'll... wake up in-in a year or ten or 50, full of regret.

So... I need you to be sure, okay?

If we get married, you will never have children.

Are you really okay with that?

Enormous pen1s Syndrome?

E.P.S.

It's all about awareness.

That's why we're doing the fun run, the silent auction, the three-legged race.

Of course, that's just one guy.

You know what?

I can't do this.

You can let me out up here.

Why? You got a girlfriend or something?

Maybe something.

Narrator: Kids, sometimes you realize

the journey you've been taking

has reached its final stop.

So, the question becomes: Where do you go next?

Hey.

Are you okay?

♪ A year from now, we'll all be gone ♪ ♪ All our friends will move away ♪ ♪ And they're going to better places ♪ ♪ But our friends will be gone away... ♪

So... he un-proposed.

♪ Nothing is as it has been...

We're over.

And I-I... I-I know it's for the best.

It's just...

I was finally ready for something serious.

He seemed like the guy to take that next step with.

But he couldn't look past this.

I mean, who could?

(sighs)

I could.

I love you, Robin.

You've been complaining about this Barney guy so much, I'm starting to think that you like him.

Like his apartment-- check.

Like his moves downtown--

check plus.

But like him? Ugh. Please.

I'm just surprised he doesn't recognize you.

He practically lives here.

Announcer: Gentlemen, give it up for Karma.

(men whooping)