I Found Your Moustache

- I'm gonna hate this movie. - How can you be so sure? Columbian drug lords and space aliens. Oh, and kung fu. Excuse me, but NPR called Hiroshima, La Poubelle: "An enchanting journey of self-discovery. " They're not gonna call it "a two-hour French snoozefest for pompous douche buckets. " - You agreed if I paid for the tickets we could see what I wanna see. I didn't think you could scrape together 18 bucks without stopping at a blood bank. It is a small price to pay to get you out of the house. It's been three weeks since you and Chelsea broke up. Move on. Says the guy who still carries around a naked picture of his ex-wife. Hey, I bought those boobs, I have a right to look at them once in a while. Damn. I don't believe it. - What? - She's here. My ex-wife? No. It's Chelsea. She's with that Brad guy. So, what do we do? Do we say hello? No, we get the hell out of here. Charlie? Hey, look who's here. Alan, Chelsea's here. Oh, hey, Chelsea. Hi, Alan. You guys remember Brad. - How's it going? - Good, great. - Looking forward to the movie. - I'm surprised to see you. This doesn't strike me as your cup of tea. Are you kidding? NPR called it "an enchanting journey of self-discovery. " You know I live for that crap. Right. Okay, well, it was good seeing you. You too. Wow, that was awkward. Tell me about it. Had to be tough for you. - Your ex-fiancée out with another guy. - Uh-huh. - Good-looking guy. - Yeah. You're here with your brother. - I know. - That'll tighten the old sphincter. Oh, God. You still wanna go? No. No, I'm not gonna give her the satisfaction. - I can suck it up for two hours. - Three hours and 20 minutes. What? It covers four generations of transsexual kabuki dancers. Let's go. All right. But I think you should pay me back for the tickets. Well, not now. When it's convenient. I can't believe she's already dating. You're kidding, right? The day after she moved out, you ran off to Vegas and married a stripper. - People grieve in different ways, Alan. - Mm. Besides, the stripper was already married, so no harm, no foul. Everybody's got somebody but me. Hello? I'm not with anyone either. Hello? You're a big loser that says "Hello?" - I wonder if she's slept with him yet. - Don't go there. Don't punish yourself. If she hasn't already, I bet you she does tonight. Okay, punish yourself. What kind of man's gonna sit through a gay French flick unless he figures he's got a good shot of getting laid after? You didn't even give that movie a chance. I bet you right now he's driving her back to his place talking about the movie, he'll make up some crap about how it made him cry. Then he'll ask her in for a cup of coffee, which will turn into a glass of wine. One thing leads to another, and before you know it he's got her in the bathtub riding her like a Jet Ski. At least that's how I'd play it. - Come on. - Where we going? Chelsea's. I gotta see if she comes home tonight. Okay, why am I going? Hello? I'm hammered. How's it gonna look if I get a DUI on the way to spy on my ex-girlfriend? He's very responsible about drinking and stalking. How long are we gonna sit here? Till she comes home. What if she spends all night with Brad? Well, then we'll be here all night. Hmm. No, no. No, don't: Hmm. Hey, I can "hmm" if I want to. - I'm tired. - Then go to sleep. Without my melatonin and mouth guard? I don't think so. Car. Car, car. Oh, it's them. It's them. - Get down. Get down. - Okay. Okay. Quick, put this on. - What the hell is it? - Mustache. - What are you doing with a mustache? - Don't worry, it's fake. - That doesn't answer my question. - Think you're the first guy who's checked up on a woman who dumped you? Put it on. There is a whole side to you I don't wanna know anything about. Hey, that's a good look for you. It's kind of '70s porn star. I'm guessing. - Look at that thing he's driving. - It's a Prius. Of course it's a Prius. "I'm saving the planet, can I play with your boobies?" Hey. Hey, do not put down the green lifestyle. I've worked hard to reduce the size of my carbon footprint. You're a mooch and a miser, don't try to make it sound hip. Wait, they're getting out of the car. Don't you just love how he dresses? I mean, youthful, but not trying too hard. Unlike some people. Oh, great, they're kissing. Good thing he doesn't know where her mouth has been. Wait a minute. He's getting back in his car. And there he goes. Well, denied, Mr. Greenpeace-Sissy-Pants. There. You feel better? Can we please go home now? Just a minute. I wanna make sure she gets inside okay. You know, there's a soft side to you that I just applaud. You don't let it out very often, but when you do, it just lights up the world. Wait a minute. Why is she getting in her car? Where's she going at this hour? Maybe there's a third guy and she's cheating on Brad. - What? - Isn't that how you'd play it? Follow her. Catch up, catch up. You're gonna lose her. Relax, this is not the first woman I've surreptitiously followed while honoring the letter of a restraining order. Oh, looks like she's heading for Malibu. - Who does she know in Malibu? - No idea. - What the hell is that? - Oh, damn. I'm out of gas. - How could you be out of gas? - I don't know. I just put $3 in the other day. Three dollars? Actually, 2. 50. I bought a Milky Way. Oh, crap. All right, we'll just have to call AAA. Um You don't have AAA? It costs like, $49 a year. Charlie, I gas up $3 at a time. Great. Just great. Do you have AAA? I have Mercedes Gold Platinum Valet something or other. So? Won't they come help us? Let's see, will Mercedes come out to put gas in an '89 Volvo? Let me call them to ask. You're actually waiting for me to call, aren't you? No. Come on. We'll just have to hoof it. I'm supposed to leave my car abandoned on the side of the road? What if somebody tries to steal it? Good thinking. Leave the keys, gas money and a thank-you note. Spoken like someone with insurance. Ugh. My feet are killing me. Well, that's what you get for wearing those expensive Italian loafers. - They're just not made for walking. - You're right. - Hi, Charlie. - Chels? Hey, Uncle Charlie, you look like a '70s porn star. I'm guessing. What are you doing here? I needed to talk to you. Okay, what's up? Um Oh, uh Come on, Jake. Let's give them some privacy. Why? Do you think they're gonna do it on the couch? Okay, here it is. Seeing you tonight made me realize how much I miss you. Really? Do you miss me? Oh, yeah. He's been crying like a little girl. - Will you go away? - What? I'm on your side. Well, I can see nothing's changed around here. Well, just that you're gone. And yes, I do miss you and I have been crying like a little girl. Good. So, what've you been up to? Not much. How do you like living with your dad and his boyfriend? - It's a little weird. - I can imagine. Two old Navy guys shacking up. The walls are pretty thin. Every night I'm hearing, "Up periscope, down periscope. Launch the torpedo. " Enough idle chitchat. What's the deal with you and Brad? He's great, but it's just not the same. Have you two, uh? - No. - Oh. Wipe that smile off your face. You wipe it off. You're gonna have to do better than that. - One question. - Yeah? What was with the mustache? When I'm out with Alan, I don't like people to recognize me. Hey, they are doing it on the couch. So, what's the deal with Uncle Charlie and Chelsea? Are they like back together or was that just a booty call? - What do you know about booty calls? - In theory, everything. Oh, crap. - What? - Just a little disappointed. I saw Chelsea's car outside, I didn't see yours. She spent the night. We don't know if they're back together or if they're just scratching the old itch. - What do you know about the "old itch"? - It's intercourse, Dad. Why do we play these games? Good morning, all. Morning. - What? - Come on, give. There's nothing to give. She came by, said she misses me, spent the night. Yay. - So is she moving back in? - Is the wedding back on? Or was it just making the beast with two backs? What is wrong with you? I'm at an awkward age. - Morning, everyone. - Morning. - Morning. - Hey, you want coffee? I have to get home and change for work. - Oh, okay. - Can we talk? Sure. Oh, that's never good. - How do you know? - That's what mom said to you. So I'm thinking you grab some things from your dad's for tonight then we move your stuff back this weekend. Charlie, I'm not coming back tonight. Well, why not? Last night was good, right? It was great, but it doesn't solve our problems. It sure solved mine. It's not that I don't love you, but I'm still not sure that we have a future together. Chels, you're freaking me out here. - I've gotta go. - No. Come on, wait. - Oh. I found your mustache. - Where was it? Where do you think it was? It was stuck to my ass. Hey. Hey. Feel like talking? - No, I do not. - Understandable. You gotta admit, you're in a better place now than you were this time last night. I mean, 24 hours ago, the woman you love was out on a date with another man. But presto chango, she wound up spending the night with you. Of course, come the morning, once again she dropped you like a lead turd. Sorry. You didn't wanna talk. Me, I'm just the opposite. When I get my heart broken, I have to talk. You cannot shut me up. Yak, yak, yak, yak. Sorry. I've tried to be the strong silent type, but, you know, it's just not who I am. I mean, not to mention there's physical manifestations to bottling up your feelings. I mean, constipation, migraines. Or it goes the other way, gas, diarrhea. You just cannot predict it. It's kind of an emotional crapshoot. Crapshoot. That just came to me. Right off the top of my head. Got it. But you are lucky. You've got your music to express your feelings. I mean, you could play the blues, for instance. Bum, buh, duh, duh My baby done left me Bum, buh, duh, duh She ain't coming back Bum, buh, duh, duh What's going on? I'm smothering your daddy Bum, buh, duh, duh I'm just saying it seems like every time it's my turn to pick up the crap he's got the runs. So stop feeding him chili. - Oh, hey, Charlie. - Hey, Charlie. Hey, Tom. Ed. You looking for Chelsea? No, he came to see two old queens walking a dog. Who you calling a queen, Elizabeth? She's not here, Charlie. - She went to dinner with that Brad guy. Oh. - Wanna come in? Have a beer? - No, I don't wanna bother you guys. Don't be silly, come on. Okay. Thanks. - You had to tell him she's with Brad? - What, I'm supposed to lie? No, but you can dummy up. I mean, look at the poor bastard. Yeah. Jeez, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. "I wasn't thinking. " That should be your middle name. Don't be getting in my face when I'm holding a bag of poop. - I'll grab some brews. - Chelsea told me about last night. I don't understand it, Tom. I thought we were back together. Yeah, well, you can't make sense out of a woman. They're like beautiful puzzles with missing pieces or a great book with no ending. Or like my old man used to say, "They're all frigging nuts. " I don't know what to do. Should I leave her alone? Should I pursue her? If I might chime in, I would say that stopping by unannounced with some liquor-store flowers sends up a rather desperate flare. I know. I know. I just couldn't sit home and do nothing. I keep turning it over in my mind. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? Man, how many times did I ask myself that question when I was married? Me too. What do we got between the two of us? Something like 80 years of marriage? Let's see, I was with Beth for 38 and you were with Martha for 40, 41 I didn't need you to actually do the math. Don't bark at me. I'll beat the snot out of you. Bring it on, mister. Maybe I should go. No, no, no. Sit down, finish your beer. - We're just sparring. - I love this broken-down son of a bitch. Oh, for God's sake, don't gay it up in front of company. Now, you listen to me, young man. In the final analysis, it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. You want Chelsea back? You've gotta make her miss you like she did last night. She's not gonna miss you if you're squatting in her living room with those sad-ass petunias. So what? I'm supposed to just go about my business hoping one day she shows up and says "I'm back"? Or you can do like me and Ed did. Change teams. A lot easier living with a man than a woman. Tom and I watch the same TV shows, we like the same food. You don't have to leave the room to fart. You don't have to, but it sure would be a nice idea. Okay, well, thanks, fellas. This was real helpful. - We're always here for you, Charlie. - Thank you. - Don't tell Chelsea I stopped by. - I wouldn't dream of it. Remember what we told you. Lay low for a while. - Run silent, run deep. - There you go. Well, what do you think? Watch SportsCenter and then fool around a little? You need to take a Viagra? You're my Viagra, baby. Aww. That's so sweet. Just for that, you can hold the remote. Hey. Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you. Just grabbing a water. No, no, no. It's fine. Come on, join me. Really? Yeah. Sit down. Okay. Listen, I wanna apologize for, you know Trying to kill me with a pillow? It was horseplay, don't make a big thing about it. What I'm saying is that I know you were trying to cheer me up and I appreciate it. Thank you. I realize that I give you a hard time about living here but frankly, it's probably a good thing for me to have you around. Wow. Charlie, that means so much to hear you say that. Well I do I do love you, buddy. And I love you too. I know, I know. I don't want this moment to ever end. Okay. I mean it. I am not letting go. Well, you're gonna have to because it's starting to get a little weird. We don't need women, we've got each other. All right, you brought this on yourself. Don't worry, I'll wait for you on the other side.