Friends and Family (The Simpsons)

Ugh! I'm too fat! Still too fat! Ugh! (GROANS) (TIRES SCREECH) Come on, sir. You'll be late for your appointment. Hush! No one must know I'm not in perfect mental health. The Kaiser would be furious! (COIN CLANKS) Hip joints! Who wants a hip joint? Eyeballs! Can't see without your eyeballs! Euthanasia! Sweet, sweet euthanasia! Ooh. Can I buy it as a gift? No! Mm. Hmm. (GROANS) Come on in, Monty. I believe last week we were discussing your anger issues. Anger issues? Anger issues?! Anger issues? Anger issues?! Yeah, all right, I'm afraid our 50 minutes are almost up. Sorry. You were saying? (SIGHS) Monty, I give up. - After only 70 years of therapy? - You're never gonna change. You-you will never have this. A cheap piece of plastic with photos of ugly people? That is my family people who love me. Yes, you're right. I should consider encasing people in plastic. Then I could always see the look of fear in their faces. - (CHUCKLES) - Yeah, we're finished here. Get out. May I remind you I'm paying you five dollars an hour? Oi! Why did I lock in at that rate? (DOOR BUZZES) (GROANS) (THUD) What? (GASPS) Hmm. No pulse. Oh, wait, that's me. Dead. So sad. He was a true friend. - - Mm-hmm. Excellent. (TRUMPET PLAYING TAPS) I can't believe Dr. Nussbaum's dead. Um, we've had a lot of therapists. Which one was he again? He was the one who helped us communicate. - You never listen to a word I say! - I have to listen all day at work. - You're not listening now. - I'm listened out! What? "Listened out. " - Not listening, not listening - What does that even mean? Let's hear what the children have to say. - I'm gonna wet the bed to get their attention. - HOMER: Not listening You're the one sleeping in it. I didn't say I'd wet my bed. Please, Marge! Do we have to burden - Dr. Nussbaum with our problems? - (ALL ARGUING) - Maggie talk! - The man has problems of his own! - Maggie talk! - (ARGUING CONTINUES) No one listen? Maggie never talk again. - That's not what happened. - That's exactly what happened. I believe I remember what happened, Marge. How could you remember? You were looking at your phone half the time. When you have four bar Wi-Fi, you use it! Oh, look. It's the ugly people from the cube. - (GASPS) - RABBI: Uh, if we can begin. Oh, of course. Oh, this man meant a great deal to me. And helping out with the cost of this service was the least I could do. - (CROWD MURMURS) - Very sweet. Smithers? (CROWD BOOING LOUDLY) For shame! (GRUNTS) (TIRES SCREECH) (SIGHS) Stoned at a funeral. Ooh, wow! Where's the funeral? (CHUCKLES): Oh! Just what I wanted. Just get me home quickly. ("POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE" PLAYING) And this year's Nobel Prize for Physics goes to Professor John Frink. (CROWD CHEERING) (HORN HONKS) FRINK: Ah, thank you, Queen Sonya, and all the people at HBO the, uh, Higgs Boson Observatory. You'll see there. (TIRES SCREECH, CAR CRASHES) Oi! Oiven! I-I didn't mean to hit him, sir. Well, how could a man in his right mind miss a car heading right towards him? (TRUCK HORN BLARES) MAN: Idiot! I think it's this headpiece he's wearing, sir. If I may ask, what makes this device so enchanting that you ignore the real world? Is there a milkmaid skipping rope? Oi! Gloivick! The Oculus Frink or Froculus provides you with a complete virtual reality experience. (GROANS) Letting you live in a world of your dreams. Goi! (MUTTERS) To adjust the focus, turn the dial on the side. Oi. Now for the after-party! (LIVELY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) I must have it! Oh, uh, can you drop me off first? Hmm, not bad. Next? This is still a new technology, sir. At the moment, it's really just lots of pornography, a roller coaster, pornography, pornography, Burger King ad, pornography, and and this one. (DRAGON SQUAWKS) (ROARING) (SQUAWKS) Dragon porn. (BOTH MOANING) Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah. Oh. - Oh, flame on, baby. Flame on! Hot! Hot! Don't tell my wife, okay? SMITHERS: Oh, sorry, sir. This one is also pornography. Oh, so boring. (FABRIC RIPS) Trim those nails, Smithers. Uh, sir, if I might suggest, the last thing your therapist said was, "You need a family. " (CHUCKLES): I don't need anyone. We could program a virtual family for you, sir. A virtual family. Yes. Meanwhile, let me see the one again where I shoot the beloved lion in Africa. That was reality, sir. Mm. I've lived quite the life. Quite the life. Ooh! (CROW CAWS) Uh, we only need three children, thanks. Oh, what kind of coal mine you runnin'? You, wife, look at me lovingly, as if I'm your husband. Eh, can you ask for a look of indifference? I think she can do that. Luann, pretend it's my birthday. Next. You promised me a job, Dad! I was gonna buy a fat Barbie. It's Curvy Barbie. And that would mean you have to buy all new clothes. (CROW CAWS) Uh, this thing says all families in the plant are required to try out. So far, so good. Two-and-a-half children, wife with current hairstyle. You're all hired. Except you, fatso. We don't need a father. I'll be the rooster in this henhouse. That is so disappointing. I've always wanted to work for Mr. Burns. Okay, family scene. And action. (STEAM HISSING) (SUCKING NOISES) This isn't a word I use lightly, but excellent. Oh, Smithers, one favor: make the children look like they're mine. No, no, no! It's too beautiful. Like a Supreme Court full of Scalias. Switch to something else. BURNS: That's good. What's the matter, Homer? Last night, Marge and the kids didn't get home till 11:00 at night. When I came back from Moe's at 11:05, they were still taking off their coats! I hear old man Burns is just living in a fantasy world now. En garde! (LAUGHS) Mm, must be nice. Hey, there he is. Wonder what he's watching now. Home movies. Happy birthday, dear Burnsie Happy birthday to you And maybe more. (CHUCKLES) Thank you, thank you. Now, your mother's going to take me upstairs to give me her present. (MARGE MOANING SUGGESTIVELY) BURNS: Oh, Smithers, could you remove the ankle bar? More. More. More. (MOANS) Oh (CHUCKLES): Oh, that was wonderful. I'm picking up your ten-year options. Ten years?! Oh, now, now, no discussion. We're a family now. Ugh! What is that? A river otter? (DOG HOWLS) (GROANS) We're not coming home, Homie. What? What do I do without you here? You can do what you did with me there: go to Moe's. Aw, it's not the same if I'm not trying to avoid some unpleasant chore. Oh. You could clean out the attic. - Going to Moe's! - (LINE CLICKS, DIAL TONE) Eh, no one to go home to, huh? Yeah, take it from me, that's rough. Yeah. Heading back to an empty house. No one there to tell you what to do, no kids fighting all the time. Wait a minute. I can eat dinner in any room of the house! And not the scary ones like the basement and Bart's bedroom. And I can drink at home! Whoa, whoa! You're twisting my words there. That would be cheaper! And I wouldn't have to drive! And you are kind of mean. No one calls me mean. Moe, you're proving my point. Here we are talking, and you pull a shotgun on me. But there's never any bullets in this. Watch. Ha! Good gag, huh? Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free (MUFFLED EXPLOSION) I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp I feel free Feel when I dance with you We move like the sea You, you're all I want to know I feel free I feel free. Mmm, does that turn you on? Oh, yes. That's hot. (HANDLES CREAK) (LAUGHS) The perfect temperature. (OWL HOOTING) Ah, Snoopy knew what he was doing, all right. - WOMAN: How you doing? - Aah! Don't worry, I've seen you naked plenty of times. I live in the house behind yours. I don't think my wife would like this. Hey, I got a boyfriend, and you're not my type. FLANDERS: Could you both keep it down? I'm trying to count pennies. (SCOFFS) Stupid Flanders. FLANDERS: Oh! You made me lose count. (BOTH LAUGHING) Homer, it looks like you're out of beer, pal. (GRUNTS) Wow, can a man just be friends with a woman? Here are some pretzels. Yes, he can! Aw, don't worry. I'll fix that. Have one. I'm celebrating. My boyfriend proposed. Wow! You'll get to enjoy the most magical part of married life: the beginning. - Mmm - (SLURPING) So, uh, where's the lucky guy? (SIGHS) Gone for the weekend. He's an airline pilot. Maybe he and I can go out for beers - before a flight. - Mm. Where's your wife? Uh, she's staying at this billionaire's house, working as a virtual reality actress. You know, the usual. Oh, Homer? Something's going on with Homer. My spousal sense is tingling. Mom, you blew the take! Okay, that's it. I'll direct. And I'll show you how a pro does it. You, daughter character, say you love me. (FLATLY): I love you. Like you mean it. (FLATLY): I really love you. Once more, with feeling. (FLATLY): I really love you. Blech. This girl has no chops whatsoever. (A LA KATHERINE HEPBURN): The existence of my chops is not for the likes of yo to ascertain, my good sir. (SHUDDERS) Would you like some eggs with that ham? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Looks like the old make-out king's got a new queen, huh? Guys, we're just friends. It's purely catatonic. "Platonic. " That means she's into me, but I'm keeping it cool. I like you, but that's not what it means. Sure, right. (ITALIAN ACCENT): Here you go, the antipasto, to share. BOTH: Ooh! Would you fellas like to join us? (NERVOUS STAMMERS) (SOPHISTICATED ACCENT): When did salad get so awful? (SOPHISTICATED ACCENT): Kale ruined everything. (MOCK SOPHISTICATED LAUGHTER) (NORMAL VOICE): You're just like a guy. You're funny, you like to eat crap. If I may get personal, - what's your bowling average? - 212. Oh, my God, you're my best friend! And that's all. Just friends. Eh, we shall see. There is one test for a-romance that never fails. Enjoy it. That is not a-love! This is the best we're friends, no one has any reason to get upset, and no one gets hurt. To no one getting hurt. SMITHERS: Smash-cut to Marge! "Look, Monty, our daughter, the president, is delivering her speech. " Excuse me, do I ever get a joke? Keep rolling. "Mr. Vice President, Madam Speaker, "Chinese Overlords, years ago, our forefathers, and foremothers" BURNS: Stick to the script! Oh, you try to give direction to a bunch of land apes who aren't worth the ping-pong balls stuck to their untalented asses! Idiots! Mountebanks! Featherwits! Poltroons! (FURNITURE CRASHES) Saint Francis himself would vomit with rage! Okay, you heard him, people. That was great, just a little more energy. Sir, I know you're getting frustrated, so we recorded some future scenarios. Yes, let's see what life will be like when I'm old. I'm going to build homes for the homeless with my boyfriend Sean, then it's off to Vassar in the fall. Irish boyfriend? Helping the homeless? Well, every family has one black sheep. Let's move on. - How did this happen? - (PACIFIER POPS TWICE) Don't you take that tone with me. A Harvard man? I was warned there'd be nausea. I don't need them. My life is perfect. My life is perfect. 49, 50. My life is perfect! Have you seen my Canadian penny? Oh, darn it, darn it, darn it! Everyone out! You're all fired! Having a family is the most meaningless experience I could imagine. Try acting. Mm Come on, kids. I'm taking my bathrobe. There's a dye pack stitched in. (LOUD POP) Joke's on you. I like this better. Oh, go ahead, take your robe. But you'll never work in single-viewer virtual reality family melodrama again. Did you see the guitar lessons sign on the telephone pole? I took a tab. No, I'm not gonna take the lessons, I just needed to blow my nose. Ooh, my family's here. Gotta go. Hey, you guys! It's good to see you. Hmm. Good to see you. Who were you talking to? My friend Julia. -Julia? Like a girl? - She's not a girl. She's three years younger than your mother. (IRRITATED MURMUR) Now, Marge, it's cool. All we do is share our deepest thoughts and feelings. Mm-hmm. Kids, could you leave the room, please? Faster! Geronimo! (RETREATING FOOTSTEPS) Marge, it's nothing. She's just my new best friend. (GROANS ANGRILY) What the Why Why are you mad at those eggs?! They didn't do anything! - Homer Jay Simpson! - (WHIMPERING) After all I've put up with for all these years, if I'm not your best friend,