Bob Actually

♪ Stupid Cupid, you're a real mean guy ♪ ♪ I'd like to clip your wings so you can't fly ♪ ♪ Stupid Cupid ♪ ♪ I'm in love and it's a crying shame ♪ ♪ Stupid Cupid... ♪

Happy Valentine's Day, my little chalky hearts.

I made you all cards.

Ooh.

Mine says I get a thousand kisses.

Give me some sugar, Mama!

Mwah, Mwah, Mwah, Mwah... 1,000!

Don't short me, woman!

Louise, read your card now.

I don't really celebrate Valentine's Day.

It's an invented holiday, you know?

Read it!

Fine, fine.

It's the same as Gene's card.

Here come your kisses.

Eh, Gene can have 'em.

Hell yes!

And here's your card, my little Valen-Tina.

(stomach grumbling): Oh, no. Oh, wow.

Oh-oh...

Tina, was that your stomach?

Yes.

We may have had a little friendly leftover chili-eating contest last night.

Which I won.

Tina dominated.

It was like watching someone barf in reverse.

Well, you look a little pale, Tina.

Are you sure you don't want to stay home?

No. Anything can happen today, because today is a day all about love, and nothing can stop love.

(stomach grumbles)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

That's right, Tina.

Nothing stopped me from buying your father a box of chocolates from a kid in the parking lot.

Thanks, Lin. I-I got you something really nice as well.

Really?

Yeah.

Can I have it now?

Y-You have to wait until a little later.

Is that okay?

Oh, my God! I can't freakin' wait!

Oops, oops, oops, this opened. Mmm...

(gags) Dark chocolate!

So dry, so bitter. Why?!

Num num num... (shouts)

Walnuts? Just be normal, damn it!

Zeke: Step right up and buy one of my Mini Flower Love Weeds for your valentine.

What flower what weeds?

A weed is just the right plant growing in the wrong place.

I'm selling bouquets for a buck each... who's in?

Hey, Tina.

Hey, Jimmy Jr.

Do you have any Valentine's plans?

Are you free today at lunch?

(gasps) Valentine's Day plans?

Today? Lunch? Me? With you?

(awkward laughter)

Uh, yeah.

No, I don't.

Cool. So will you meet me in the gymnasium at lunch?

I love it already.

Great.

What you're wearing is fine.

Unless you brought something else.

You probably didn't.

Wait, what?

Did you bring... ? Forget it.

Just, yeah. Don't be late, and brush your teeth.

(hums fanfare)

(stomach grumbles): Oh, my stomach.

Ugh, chili poops! Got to get to the bathroom.

Zeke is literally selling weeds, and people are buying them. Gah!

This is the dumbest holiday ever.

Yeah, love can really make people do some wacky things, huh? (inhales)

Hey, are you gonna be at lunch today?

Well, I made a reservation... why?

Oh, I don't know. Just checking.

Check. Just pretending to check a box.

Anyway, I should be going.

Bye.

Bye.

Poor kid picked up the wrong inhaler.

So what'd you get Linda for Valentine's Day, Bob?

Well, she's always wanted me to learn how to ballroom dance, I guess in case we ever go back in time, so, I wanted to take some classes.

Wow. So how many classes have you had?

Not quite enough, because none.

I've had none. I didn't sign up for any.

It's Valentine's Day. What are you gonna do?

Teddy, take it easy. I was gonna try and learn how to dance on the Internet really quick.

Bob, you've got time for a real class.

My Zumba is at a studio, and they teach ballroom there.

You take one lesson, and you'll be like Gene Kelly, if Gene Kelly only had one dance lesson.

That's a good idea, Teddy.

I-I should go. Where is it?

I'll go with you.

(singsongy): I'm back with the pickles.

I'm gonna stare cutting them into hearts.

Lin, do you think you can maybe handle the lunch rush by yourself?

What? Why?

I've got to go on an errand, and it may or not have to do with your gift.

(gasps) So romantic.

Bob, tell me what it is.

Linda, I'm not...

No, I don't want to know.

I don't want to know. Forget it, forget it.

Get out before I guess it.

May I please have a hall pass, Ms. Twitchell?

I'm having boy troubles.

I'm sure you understand, but it's also not what you think.

Hildy? It's Gene. Are you in there?

It's Wednesday. I'm here for my day-old Taco Tuesday tacos.

Hello? What do we have here?

Hey!

Aah!

You're not Hildy.

(voice fades, exotic music rises)

Whoa...

Oh.

Hello.

(continues shouting)

Oh, you're yelling at me.

Uh, I'll leave. Bye.

I like you!

Sorry, ballroom's been canceled.

The teacher just waltzed right out of here.

Get it? I'm kidding, she died.

Crap. Okay, Teddy, let's go, we tried.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

They offer other classes here, you know.

Check a look. Women love any kind of dancing, Bob.

It demonstrates your virility and your sexual style.

My sexual style?

Yeah. Tell him.

Yeah, it's true.

Uh, okay, fine.

I-I-I'll just take whatever class starts next.

We'll take whatever class starts next.

Really?

You think I'm not gonna take this class with you?

I did think that. I guess that was crazy.

(rock music playing)

(music becomes dreamlike)

Oh, shell yes!

How does a mermaid even ride one of those... ?

Can I get one bouquet of Mini Flower Love Weeds, please?

Zeke: That'll be one dollar, Romeo.

What are you doing, Rudy?

Why are you buying Love Weeds?

Who's the lucky ducky?

Let's just say we've been friends for a while, but it's time to take it to the next level.

You mean level two?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God, Rudy's gonna give me Love Weeds for Valentine's Day.

Rudy like-likes me. Sick!

Oh, why would Rudy do something like this?

What kind of idiot like-likes someone?

Tina: Louise?

Aah! Tina?

Yeah, I-I've been in here all morning.

Oh, hi. Chili, huh?

Yeah.

Of all the days to get diarrhea of the butt.

Jimmy Jr. planned something special for me.

Wait, Rudy likes you?

Yeah, unfortunately.

Which sized Rudy?

Regular.

Oh. Don't you like Rudy?

No, not like that.

We have a good thing going the way it is.

We're buddies. (sighs)

There's gotta be a way I can stop this.

Sorry, sister, I hate to tell you this, but nothing, and I mean nothing, can stop love. Except diarrhea.

No! I'm gonna beat this thing.

I mean, I get why he's on the Louise train.

I just have to find a way to get him to jump off at the next stop. I gotta go.

Holler if you need TP or newspaper or anything.

Okay, Actually, I need another roll of TP.

Louise? I'll make it work.

Welcome to hip-hop dance class with Shelly.

See the way I'm walking, with one of my arms lower than the other, and my foot dragging?

Well, that's hip-hop.

Oh, my God. Oh, that's hip-hop.

The other day, I was in the grocery store buying some light-bulbs and ice cream, and I could tell the cashier didn't like my baggy pants.

But I didn't care, because that's hip-hop.

Teddy, we need to get out of here.

Are you kidding me?

This is the coolest thing I've ever been a part of.

Oh, I see we have some new students in class.

'Sup?

'Sup, ma'am?

I bet you normally sit on a chair the front way, like everyone else.

But not in this class.

In this class you turn that chair around and sit on it backwards.

You know why?

Because that's hip...

Because that's hip-hop.

Right, right. I-I got it.

Nice, Bob.

Okay, everybody...

(hip-hop music playing)

There's gonna be some profanity coming at you, so cover your ears if you can't handle the "B" word.

Oh, hey, Ms. Selbo.

What are you doing here on a school day?

I took a personal day.

My boyfriend Martin broke up with me.

(gasps): No!

Yeah. I was totally blindsided.

That jerk.

He's across the street at Jimmy Pesto's.

There's nothing good about that place.

(crying): I like the jalapeño poppers.

Okay, that's one good thing about that place.

And their Pesto Coladas. Two things.

Hey...

Oh, uh, hi. I only have five minutes before recess is over, but, uh, I was wondering if you could maybe slap my wrist again.

I think I licked all the chocolate off the last slap mark.

I don't know what you're saying, but it makes me feel like I felt the time I sat on the dryer.

You want me to stir, or is this a gift?

Si, stir.

I'm Gene, by the way.

Isabella.

So I guess Hildy's out sick today?

Sick. Si, Si.

So if that's our lunch, is this our dessert?

No, no, no, mi gattino.

This is for mi Amor, Francesco.

Oh, boyfriend.

Si, boyfriend.

Hmm. What grade is he in?

He sounds ugly.

Time to Un-attract.

Oh, hey, buddy.

Hey, Louise.

Quick question. Do you like boogers?

Um, what?

I've been eating my boogs all morning, and I love 'em.

I was wondering if anyone else was into boogers.

Oh, okay, no.

Want to try one of mine?

Maybe mine are extra good.

I don't know, huh.

That's pretty gross.

So what can I get you? You want a wet one, a dry one?

Uh, I'm feeling sick.

Great!

But you know what, I gotta say, the whites of your eyes are bright, your fingernails are strong and healthy.

Maybe there's something to this eating boogers thing.

I mean, hey, whatever you're doing, keep it up, sister.

Bye. See you at lunch.

You've gotta be kidding me.

Okay, doing good. (sighs)

Feeling confident, feeling cool.

Starting to strut.

Oh, God! The strut was too much.

No strutting. No strutting.

(breathing rapidly)

(grunts)

There she is.

J-Jimmy Jr. What's going on?

Remember that anti-drug group that came last week to do a presentation?

You mean Thrills, Not Pills?

Yeah. They did a number on me.

I couldn't believe the national statistics.

Well, they left behind all their props, including... this trampoline.

So everyone is here to watch us do a sky kiss!

Yeah!

A what?

A sky kiss, Tina.

We bounce up and down like this until we get high enough, and then we kiss.

You want me to bounce on that trampoline?

Uh-huh.

It's romantic and dangerous, like a candle.

I... (stomach grumbles)

Uh, I'll be right back.

Feelings are scary, girl!

Nah, nah.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Uh, why are... why are you saying that?

Nah, nah, nah.

Is there a problem?

I'm-I'm just trying to tie my shoe.

That's not hip-hop. Peep my feets.

Your shoes are untied.

That's hip-hop.

Okay, good to know.

People call me Flips Whitefudge.

They do?

You think you can just come up in my mom's class and learn how to dance?

Wait, Shelly is your mom?

She's your mom! No, she's my mom.

Look, I-I'm just trying to learn how to dance as a gift for my wife for Valentine's Day.

Well, that's actually incredibly sweet!

Um, thank you.

You're welcome, but if you want to hip-hop, you gotta prove yourself.

We're gonna hip-hop dance battle.

Is everything all right here?

Uh, sort of. Your son, Flips Whitefudge, is trying to battle us.

Uh, Flips? We've talked about this.

No, Ma. This is what you taught me.

If it's not hip-hop, then it's not hip-hop.

If they want to learn from you, they got to battle me.

Well, he really won't give this up unless you battle him.

So, I guess you guys are battlin'.

We can do this. We can beat this guy.

Teddy, we don't know any hip-hop.

Yes, we do. It's inside us.

Now untie your shoes, "B" word.

Let's do this.

Right after we stretch out.

(moans)

Why did I come here?

Oh, God. Oh, God.

It's happening. It's going down.

I'm gonna hide behind this napkin.

Hey, Louise.

I have something very important to ask you...

Rudy, let me stop you right there.

I was just gonna...

Look. No, I get it.

We live in a commercial culture.

Love is in the movies. It's in all the songs.

But we don't have to be pawns in the game.

Yeah. I...

We're just friends.

Louise, I wanted to ask you to give this Love Weed and this card to Chloe Barbash for me, in Science.

What?

You have science with Chloe Barbash after lunch, right?

I...

Y-Yeah. I think so.

Okay, good, 'cause she's the most beautiful girl in the world.

She smells like someone's baking a cake in her hair.

It's her shampoo.

I heard she uses the whole bottle every time.

She takes my breath away.

I mean, everything does, but still.

Thanks, Louise. You're the coolest.

Great. So Rudy likes Chloe Barbash.

And not... me.

What a relief.

Rudy: Oh, hey, Louise!

Try not to get any boogers on the card.

Louise: Chloe freakin' Barbash?

Rudy might as well like a box of packing peanuts.

She's all fluff. There's nothing in there.

Tina: Wow, Louise, you seem a little worked up about this.

Do I?

(toilet flushes)

I agree with Louise. By the way, this is from my house and I brought it here, not the other way around. Got it?

Mm. The chocolate needs more, how you say, bitter?

I think the word you're looking for is butter.

I have some in my locker if we can't find any here.

Oh, no, no, no. Not butter.

Bitter. We make dark chocolate.

(gasps) Dark chocolate?

No! Don't do it!

It is like love.

Sweet, bitter.

Happy, sad.

Don't use your sensual Italian wisdom on me!

It's not fair, but keep talking!

♪ ♪

Yo, yo. It's battle time.

Drop that beat, Ma.

(beat begins playing)

You scared, mustache?

Uh, yes. (grunting)

Is... this it? I can't tell if he's started yet.

I'm gonna Janet Jackson this.

Ow!

Ooh. Ah!

Oh, Flips. Sweetie, are you okay?

I got my lips stuck in my braces.

Well, I'm injured now, so I guess you guys won the battle.

Um, okay.

Ma, it's time to teach these LL Fool Js how to dance.

Hey, Chloe. These are from Regular Sized Rudy.

He wanted me to give them to you.

And the card.

Great. Thanks.

That's it?

Don't you want to read the card?

Mm. Maybe later.

Oh... That is a lot of shampoo.

Thanks. I use it when I take a shower.

Okay, class. Today we'll be dissecting a banana.

We only have two, so get into groups of 13.

Ms. Selbo: That was a delicious burger, Linda.

I have to admit, it really lifted my spirits.

Great. I'm sure you'll start feeling better in a couple days.

After all, you just broke up.

Oh, no. We broke up a year ago.

Wait, I thought you broke up today.

I thought you came here from Jimmy Pesto's.

No, no, no. He's at Jimmy Pesto's.

I just followed him, and I've been watching him from your restaurant.

That's... not alarming.

I just haven't been myself since the breakup.

I mean, it's not like me to sleep outside someone's house or steal someone's dog or pee on someone's mail and then watch them open it and laugh when they eat a breakfast sandwich with that same hand.

No! You wouldn't do those things.

But I did. I did those things.

Look, it sounds like you just need some closure.

And, uh, maybe some professional help.

But I'll tell you what, I'm gonna go over there and bring Martin in here.

You're never gonna get over this unless you deal with it face-to-face.

You can't stab him, though, okay?

You're so sweet to me.

Wait, I can or I can't? You probably said "can't."

Ugh, what's taking so long?

What's Tina even doing? Combing her boobs?

(both laugh)

(sighs)

Tina: Hello.

Tina! You're here!

Let's do this!

Jimmy Jr., I walked slowly and carefully back to tell you that I can't do the sky kiss with you.

My heart says yes, but my butt says no.

Wait, what are you saying, Tina?

Can I tell you down here? It'd be a little bit better for me.

No, just shout it out.

I'm on a trampoline. I'm not coming down.

I have diarrhea, okay? I have horrible diarrhea!

If I jump up and down, I could explode!

Gross.

Oh.

Girls get diarrhea?

Big time.

No. They don't, actually. They don't.

I used to think nothing can stop love.

But it looks like I was wrong. I'm sorry, Jimmy Jr.

(stuttered groaning)

(bell ringing)

Do... So you gave it to her, right?

Yeah, I gave it to her.

But listen...

Now we begin Operation: Kiss Chloe Barbash.

Wait, what?

The card on the bouquet said to meet me on the playground at the end of the day so I can give Chloe a Valentine's kiss.

My first kiss.

My first non-parents- and-grandmother kiss.

Oh, boy. Rudy, do you really think she likes you?

Like, like-likes you?

Um, yeah, she made it pretty clear, Louise.

She passes me notes in class all the time.

Check it out. "Dear Cutie-Bear.

Oh.

Yeah. Pretty hot stuff, huh?

Well, I'm gonna go look in the mirror so I can remember what I looked like before everything changed.

Oh, no. If I don't do something about this, Regular Sized Rudy is gettin' big time screwdy.

Don't say screwdy.

Sorry. I brought these coffee filters from home, by the way.

Not the other way around.

The jig is up. I know what you're doing, Chloe.

What are you talking about, Louise?

I know that you've been acting flirty with Regular Sized Rudy just to get his quiz answers.

Rudy's a big boy. If he feels like giving me the answers, that's up to him.

Okay, listen, he's not a "big boy."

He's regular-sized.

And that kid has more heart in his regular-sized body than anyone else in this school. And you're... you...

Oh, my God. You're freaking out.

Yes! Because Rudy wants to meet you after school to give you his first kiss. And you know what?

You're gonna give him his first kiss.

Why would I do that? Because he gave me some weeds?

Yes!

Louise, he isn't the only boy that gave me weeds today. This is from Kevin.

Kevin Ishihara. He juggled three Beanie Babies at the last talent show. Three.

Rudy is like the slowest runner in our grade.

He's the slowest runner in the world!

Everybody knows that! He shouldn't be running at all!

That's what I'm saying!

He starts running, and after two paces, he has to stop to breathe.

I know. It's so embarrassing.

Yeah. And you're gonna suck it up!

You're gonna kiss that slow man!

You're gonna kiss slow, Regular Sized Rudy, or you're gonna be eating that Love Weed through a straw.

Get off of me!

No! Oh, you...

Stop it!

(struggling)

Stop! I am not kissing him, Louise.

Bye!

Damn it. She smells so good.

Perfetto.

Mangia. Mangia.

I never thought I'd go over to the dark-chocolate-side.

(chomping)

Oh!

♪ ♪

(horn honks)

He is here. I must leave.

Who's here? Oh, right.

Francesco.

(horn honks)

Oh...

Ciao, Gene Belcher.

(sighs) Ciao, Isabella Kitchen Substitute.

I'm taking this home to fix it.

Um, sure.

Huh. Love, it looks like you can't be stopped.

Yeah. She's just right this way.

(gasps)

(moaning)

Ms. Selbo! What are you doing?

Living my damn life, Linda!

Oh, hello, Martin. I have a serious boyfriend now.

His name is... Him.

J-Jim... Him Jim.

Jim Himjim.

Well, I... I-I'm gonna go.

Quick question. Do you think I could have my dog back?

(groans) You're so desperate.

Fine.

Thank you.

Aw.

Uh... Hi, everyone.

Class: Wow! Whoa!

Tammy: What?

Jimmy Jr., I can't jump up and down.

But I can walk on these stilts.

Uh, wait, no, I can't... Okay, got it.

Where'd you get those, Tina?

A trampoline and thrills aren't the only thing Thrills Not Pills left behind.

They also left these.

Now, come on, Jimmy Jr.

We're going to the gymnasium.

Yeah!

Wait, what?

We'll be back in five minutes, Ms. Jacobson.

Excuse me while I sky kiss this guy.

(phone ringing)

Bob's Burgers.

Bob: Hi, Linda. It's your valentine.

Can you come outside? Your gift is here.

(gasps) Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

W-Wait, what's going on?

Why do you look like that?

(beat playing)

Bob. Linda.

Hey there, Teddy. Nice boom box.

Thanks, Bob. Dope pants.

Why are you two acting weird? What's going on?

♪ ♪

(both grunting)

Bobby, did you take a dance class? I love it.

Mind if we hop in that hip?

What... Uh...

(imitates air horn)

(grunting)

Hey, Louise. Where's Chloe?

Rudy, I have to tell you something. She's not coming.

Um... Did... Did she not get my card?

She did. Um, but she's still not coming.

Um, do... Do you get what I'm saying?

Not really.

Oh, God! Rudy!

Chloe doesn't want to be your valentine.

But what... what about all those notes?

Oh, my God. Get it through your thick, round skull, Rudy!

Chloe doesn't like you.

But who cares, right?

I guess I care.

Well, then stop it! Stop caring.

Yeah, okay. Well, thanks for letting me know, Louise.

I guess I was silly to think I could get a kiss on Valen...

Mmm!

Sky kiss!

Yeah!

(cheering)

Mwah.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Mwah.

Mwah!

Whoa.

(grunts) Ow.

If you tell anyone about this...

Uh-huh.

I will end you.

(whispers): I think I'm sweating.

Excuse me. Coming through.

E-Emergency.

(Tina sighs)

Made it.

♪ Ooh, sky kiss ♪ ♪ Ooh, sky kiss ♪ ♪ Ooh, sky kiss. ♪