Bionic Action Hero

Guess who I just got off the phone with? Giselle Vickers. The big Hollywood filmmaker? She is legendary! She made all the Killer Zombie Trucker movies. Because of her, I can't be at a truck stop. That's right. And get this. Her next blockbuster is gonna be called Bionic Action Hero. Awesome! What's it about? A bionic action hero. Huh. Save your money. It sounds like a flop. The best part, it's based on you guys. (All exclaiming) Whoa, whoa, whoa. The same person that makes those lame zombie movies is gonna make our movie? (Scoffs) No way. Must you ruin everything? Relax, Chase. Giselle's an old college friend. We spent a lot of time in the robotics lab together before she switched careers. We even dated a bit. What happened? Sometimes people grow apart. She dumped you, didn't she? Worst day of my life! And I've been to prison four times. Anyway, she wants the film to portray bionics accurately, so she's coming here to research with the actor that's playing you guys. I think you mean actors. No. In the film, there aren't three bionic superheroes. To simplify it, there's just one with all of your abilities. So who's the actor? Ooh, I bet it's Dame Judi Dench. (Bad British accent) Look at me. I'm bionic. No. It's some new up-and-comer named Troy West. So they're just gonna throw some rookie in the leading role? I don't want any part of this. I hate to say it, but I agree with Chase. You only have one chance to have your life turned into a movie. It should be done right. Exactly. So who's playing me? Denzel, Will Smith? Oh, who am I kidding? Those guys can't bring the Dooley. Sorry, Leo. There is no character based on you. What? It's called Bionic Action Hero, not Kind Of Bionic Sort Of Action Hero. Look, if they want someone to play a bionic hero, why don't they use me? I'm an actor. I starred in a school play. You had one line. And you forgot it. Just because it's in the script doesn't mean you have to say it. Plus, I can do my own stunts. The guy who played Superman can't stop a real locomotive, but I can. Oh, yeah? Well, the hydra loop is closing. I bet you can't stop that. Hah! I did it. Uh-uh. You stopped the doors, but you didn't stop the hydra loop. Did it stop? The world's first bionic superhumans they're stronger than us, faster, smarter. The next generation of the human race is living on a bionic island. Is everybody ready? Troy and Giselle will be here any minute. You seem kinda nervous. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to get your old girlfriend back. That's ridiculous. How's my hair? Too spiky, not enough spiky? Just the right amount of spike? Never mind the spike. What are you gonna do about the grays? Grays?! Whoa. Look at this place. Hey, Troy. Welcome to the Bionic Academy. - Thanks, I'm really happy - Giselle. Douglas. Nice to see you. Still rockin' the same old spikes, huh? I can change. What do you like? Side part, middle part, mullet? Hi. I'm Giselle. So honored to be telling your story. And this is Troy West, the actor who'll be playing you in the movie. Hi. What's up, guys? It's really nice to meet you. I get it now. You got my body, Bree's hair, but I'm not seeing the Chase. He's perfect. Oh, come on. You seriously buy that this guy's bionic? I mean, compared to me Dude, you really don't wanna go there. Hey, thanks for letting us come here to do our research. I can't believe I'm actually standing here with three bionic heroes. I'm not seeing anyone. Uh that's not normally what I lead with, but I'm not seeing anyone. We won't get in your way. I'm just here to check out the academy so I can make the movie as real as possible. And I'm just here to learn about your bionics so my performance will feel authentic. Totally get where you're coming from, Troy. I'm a big-time actor myself. Really? Movies? Uh, school plays. But I did see a mom filming it on her phone, so it's only a matter of time before it hits theaters. I see. So what did you feel was the key to your character's inner life? I got to wear a cowboy hat, and ride a wooden pony. And that's all you need to know about Adam. Why, hello. You must be Giselle. I'm Leo, the fourth and most important member of the team. Of course. I know all about you, Leo. Then you also know that my fascinating life would make a fantastic sequel. Or we can just forget about the little cocktail weenies, and focus on the main course. Me. Why don't you guys go show Troy some bionic moves? That'll give Giselle a chance to walk around this place, and remember how adorable I am. We are gonna be walking for a very long time. So you really think you have what it takes to be a bionic superhero? I hope so. Hey, I've been training really hard. Check this out. It's one of Chase's abilities. - What was that? - It was your bionic eye scan. Hey, don't worry. Once they add some special effects, it'll look really cool. No, it won't, 'cause you're doing it wrong. It goes like this. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, I totally get how that's different. Okay, so now who's helping out with the cheesy movie? I am not helping, I am critiquing his mediocre performance. Now the T-shirts, they would say "Leo Dooley's bionic army. " Get it? Army. 'Cause I have a bionic arm. Leo, would you please give this lovely woman her space? If you need someone to write me into the script, I am your man, I'm a born typist. Best hunt and pecker in the business. Thirteen words a minute. I also direct. That kid. He would do anything to impress you. You know, Giselle, it's too bad that you couldn't see all the other brilliant things that I created outside of here. You could make a whole movie just about Marcus. Marcus. My greatest invention. An advanced android with all of Adam, Bree, and Chase's bionic abilities. Believe it or not, he was even more powerful than they are. Well, where is he? I'd love to see him. You can see parts of him. They're buried in a huge pile of rubble in my old lair. I'm sorry. Your lair? Yeah. Technically, it's a suburban basement, but by law, you have to call it a lair if you use it to torture people. That is so cool. If you like that ability, you're really gonna like my invisibility app. No way. - How do you do that? - It's not that hard. Awesome. Uh, thanks for helping me out. Sure. I just wish Chase was as open about his abilities as you are. Don't take it personally. He's just really protective of his image. He does know on the fan boards, they call him the bionic fun killer. Yeah, but to be fair, most of those posts were mine. The thing is, I'm running out of time. I have to figure him out. If I don't, Giselle might fire me. I really don't wanna lose this role. Maybe I can help. What do you need? I don't know. Stuff like, uh, how his chip was designed, and where his super intelligence comes from. All the things that make him the smartest person in the world. Sorry. All I know is what makes him the most annoying person in the world. I mean, if all you need is a bionic owner's manual, we can access Mr. Davenport's files from here. Really? Yeah, that would be great. I mean, just a bunch of boring schematics and formulas, but here you go. Everything there is to know about Chase's chip. Thanks, Bree. You're pretty. I know. So now that we're done working, do you wanna go hit the pool? Sounds great. I'll go change. Don't be too long. I mean, take your time. I'm not desperate. Mission accomplished. Here it is. Perfect. Now we can finally take them out, and rid the world of bionic humans forever. I'm so glad you guys could come by the stage and watch us film. Just so you know, I tried keeping the hair flat, but it won't stay down. And this is our Hollywood version of the Bionic Academy. Looks awesome. No, it doesn't. The walls look fake. The floor looks fake. Nothing in here looks like the real academy. But your complaining is very authentic. I gotta take this call from my other movie, Killer Zombie Orthodontists. Orthodontists? Yeah, I know. We're pretty much out of ideas. Hey, Troy. Oh, hey. Hey, so, what happened? You said you were gonna meet me at the pool and then you left the island without even saying good-bye. What do you want me to say? Not much of a water person. Great news. Since you were all so helpful, I'm putting you in the scene we're about to shoot. You want us to be in the movie? Yep. But instead of playing bionic heroes, you get to play the bad guys. What do you think? I think Leo Dooley better have a line. Cool. We're gonna be in a movie! We're gonna be in a movie we're gonna be in a movie! So now you're on board. Hey, Troy starring in a bionic movie, lame. Me starring in a bionic movie, awesome! Great. So then, it's all settled. Any questions? Just one. What time will this be on tonight? This is so cool. I finally get to play a bad guy. Chase Davenport, international bad boy. Settle down, bad boy. Your mascara's running. I don't get it. Troy won't even talk to me. It's so weird. Not really. Boys blow you off all the time. (Gasps) What if he's got another girl on set? So what? You just met the guy. We had a connection. I'm not crazy! Okay, look, all I'm saying is that if he is seeing someone else, I need to know about it, so I can go sabotage it. Girls. Always going to that desperate place. I hope Giselle's not seeing someone else. - (Knocking on door) - Troy? Self-absorbed much? Wow. Even his pictures smell good. (Computer chiming) Aha. Let's see who Mr. Popular is getting messages from. GISELLE: This won't take long. Troy: Hurry up. I gotta be on set. This is what I wanted to show you. I finally finished analyzing Chase's chip schematics. Then we're good. As soon as they're ready to film, we'll do it. My pictures! Help me. Come on, let's get outta here. I think I need more pictures of me. (Doing vocal exercises) Okay. Everybody, we're about to start filming. Positions, please. Where's Bree? We'll take care of her later. Just make sure you use the real weapon on them. My pleasure. (Bell rings) Okay. Just like we rehearsed. Douglas, you and the kids will say your lines, then Troy will shoot you. Lights. Camera. Action! Any sign of the bionic superhuman? I think we lost him. Told you we'd get away with it. Great work, everyone. I agree. Thanks for making it so easy. No! What are you doing? She just ruined the scene. And my take was perfect. This is all a trap. Giselle lured us here so that Troy could take us out with this. Bree, that's a prop. Really? - Whoa! What just happened? - Wait! I'm lost. Are we still doing the scene? No. This isn't even a real movie. What? Giselle, what is going on? Go ahead. Tell them. (Chuckles) With pleasure. The only reason I've been making movies all these years is to fund my army of advanced android fighting machines. And just when I was about to unveil my brilliant creations, along came Adam, Chase and Bree to steal my thunder. And Leo. Why do people always forget about Leo? I gave my androids all of your abilities. The only one I couldn't crack was super intelligence. Why didn't you just ask me for it? We could've worked together. I don't wanna work with you. My technology is far superior. You're my competition, and the first rule in business is to eliminate the competition. Really? I thought it was location, location, location. This is crazy. There is no way that your android technology is that advanced. (Laughs) Oh, really? Troy, why don't we show them? Troy's a killer android? You really know how to pick 'em, Bree. Now that I have the schematics for Chase's chip, I can give all my androids his intelligence. Wait. How do you have my schematics? Bree gave them to me. What? I'm sorry. He tricked me. Nice work, Troy. Finish them off. Wait. If you destroy me, you destroy Giselle's laptop, with Chase's schematics. That's right. I switched them. Oh, who cares? I've got backups all over my servers. Not if we create a virus that takes out your entire network. Quick, hand me the laptop. We need time to field the virus. - Cover us. - Take them out. Ow. Just wait for it. It's gonna hurt any second now. No? Okay then. Hey! That's not in the script. Easy. We're trying to work here. Sorry. Adam. Got it. The virus is out. We just fried all your servers, just like you fried my heart. Surround them. Hey, where you taking him? Since you destroyed my network, there's only one way to get Chase's chip. I'll have to rip it out of him myself. Not if we stop you. That's not gonna happen. This entire set is rigged with explosives. And once they detonate, the world will think it's an unfortunate accident that claimed the lives of the bionic not-so-superhumans. Good-bye, Douglas. And thanks for giving me the last piece of the puzzle. Lock him up. Where am I? My robotics lab. Can I get you anything? Water, tea, sharp pain in your neck as we rip out your bionic chip? You know, I was built on this very table. Kind of funny. It's where I had my first day, and you're having your last. (Evil cackling) All this technology, and you couldn't give him a sense of humor app? With your chip, I can finally give my androids superior intelligence. And unlike bionic humans, they won't be vulnerable to things like pain, or emotion, or their lives ending. My family will come for me. I'm sure they would if they weren't about to be involved in a terrible accident. Accident? What are you talking about? - BREE: Ten seconds. - Wait. Something's weird. Why would Giselle leave all her androids behind to blow up with us? Good question. You should probably ask them before they all geo-leap away. Three seconds. Nooo! Well, that's a wrap on your family. Wait. What is that? They escaped. But that's impossible. Not really. Looks like you need my bionic intelligence more than your stupid robots do. I was kidding. Please don't take it out. Please don't take it out! Great idea, Leo. How did you know that grabbing onto an android while they were geo-leaping would geo-leap us out, too? I didn't. I just figured if I'm getting blown up I'm taking one of them with me. Come on. We gotta find Chase. I'll check his GPS locator. Poor Chase. This is all my fault. Notice nobody's saying no, it's not. I'm serious. I trusted Troy, and now Chase may die because of it. That's what you get for falling in love with an android. Hey, compared to some of the other guys she's dated, a robot's an improvement. His GPS signal's not coming up. Giselle must've deactivated it. Great. So now Chase's fate lies in the hands of your evil ex-girlfriend. Hey, at least she's human. I bet my family is tracking me down as we speak. And when they do, I'll take them out. Forget about them. It's time to remove Mr. Know-it-all's chip. See, you think you're insulting me with that, but it's actually a compliment. How is it that you're the one strapped down, and I'm the one being tortured? I'm gonna go find something sharp to rip you open with. Ugh. Sounds messy. Better go get my hairnet. Oh, come on. Why does the release have to be all the way over there? Doesn't matter. Mr. Know-it-all has molecular kinesis. It's go time, boys. Oh, yes. Come on, come on. Come on, come on. How'd you get out? I'd tell you, but then I'd have to destroy you. I'm gonna destroy you anyway. It was molecular kinesis. Hold my hairnet. Good luck. Troy's programmed with every form of martial arts, and if that doesn't work, he's a biter. Abs of steel, brah. Literally. What is happening? It's called a magnetism app. And this is called reversing polarity brah. Were you really gonna waste my super intelligence on that hunk of junk? Even his ponytail is dated. Of course not. Troy is the old model. It took me 20 years to get him programmed to this level, and he's still unreliable. Your intellect's going into my new fleet of androids. What? Say hello to the future. Each android takes the appearance of whatever human I program it to be. That way, they can blend in with the rest of the population. This is my Uncle Jerry. A 50-year-old with a gut? No offense, but the only thing Uncle Jerry could destroy is a hoagie. If you think that hurt, wait till you meet my Aunt Betty. Chase could be anywhere. And if he's in pieces, he could be everywhere. Wait a second. I do have Giselle's phone number. Would it be weird to just call her? You don't wanna seem too eager. Wait two days until you ask her out again. Yeah. Good idea. Are you insane?! Call her! (Phone chiming) Hello. Hey, Giselle. It's Dougie. You called my cell phone? I abduct one of your bionic kids, and you called my cell phone? I told you it was a bad idea. - I'm hanging up. - You keep her on the line. I can trace her location. I do it all the time to spy on you guy the enemy. So, just calling to say hey. Quick question. I know it's been about 20 years, but have you seen my gray hoodie? Give it up, Douglas. I know you're trying to trace me. You're too late. Hey, is that Uncle Jerry? Where have you been, man? You dropped out of our fantasy football league. Uncle Jerry is one of my new androids. I can give him whatever human form I want. See? Hurry. I got her location. Come on, I'll super speed us. You can't leave now. You have company. Oh, not a good time, dude. Can you come back later? BREE: We have to protect the academy. Am I close? Talk me through it. Giselle's built the most powerful android I've ever seen. How are we gonna get past him? We have to get to Chase. I just sent you Giselle's location. Take Adam and go get him. We'll cover you. All right, Adam, let's go get our mission suits. Good idea. We wanna look our best when we're being killed. You guys take the injured to the infirmary. Douglas and I will lure the android into the training room. You know what? I'm gonna leave that to you. I'm a lover, not a fighter. Well, today, you're a victim. Adam and Bree are here. I knew they'd come for me. How'd I know? Because I'm Well, if my hands were free, I'd be pointing at my head saying brilliant! Maybe we should sedate him. Not for the pain, I'm just sick of hearing him talk. They may have gotten past one android, but let's see how they do with ten of 'em. No. I may be one of your older models, but I can easily take those two. Then do it. And you, get cutting. No, please. Wait. Stop. Please! (Loud, echoing shriek) You know, I created a team of bionic superhumans specifically so others would fight my battles. These things aren't human, they're machines. There's gotta be some sort of internal power source we can take out so they'll deactivate. When Giselle and I built androids in school, we always fought about where to store the power source. I said in the neck for easy access, she said in the nose so it's not exposed. It's actually why we broke up. Trust me, that is not why you broke up. The point is, I bet his power source is in his nose. We just gotta get in there and shut it down. I am not sticking my fingers in his nose. You can get in there other ways. Just gonna take you longer to get there. You go. I'll cover you. Or you could be the victim. I can't find him anywhere. Me neither. - (Chase shrieking) - That's Chase. He must really be in pain. Normally, I find his screams soothing. Let's go. Oh, look. Troy's here. I should give you two some alone time. Adam. Which one of you should I take out first? Giselle? Okay. So you have heat vision, huh? How about super strength? Boys. Wait. You make movies, build robots, and you can fight? I know I'm supposed to hate you, but can I just say, you go, girl. This isn't working. One of us has to distract him so the other one can get in that nose, flip his switch and shut him down. You pushed me out the first time. You pushed me out the second, so by my count, you're up again. Come on, buddy. You gotta dig. Get in there! Come on, this is disgusting. Got it! (Disgusted shriek) Did she really have to give those things robo snot? Actually, that was my idea. Whoa. Hey, you tell me how to do that, I'll give you Chase's chip. Giselle. You may have cool abilities, but there's one thing you haven't learned. Real heroes hit people when their backs are turned. Chase! He's not breathing. There's no pulse. Oh, no. This isn't happening. Come on, Chase. Chase, come on. Adam, Adam. Adam! It's over. He's gone. And it's all my fault. I'm the worst brother ever. All I ever did was punch him and make fun of him. I never even told him I loved him. Oh, ho. What a shame. You arrived too late. I will destroy you for what you did to him. I'm so sorry for your loss. But why mourn your brother when you can join him? Yeah. Join me in kicking your butt. - Chase! - You're alive! Wait, there's two of you. I'm having very mixed emotions right now. How is this possible? After you were gone, I used my molecular kinesis to redirect the android's blade to cut me free. Wait, then who's on the table? My android replica. Giselle was foolish enough to show me how she makes them. So I distracted her android, and I made one that looks like me. When he tried to take my chip out, I took him out. Well done. But there's plenty more where he came from. I guess androids aren't immortal after all. Technically, they're not dead, just deactivated. It's a good line, just go with it. I am so glad that worked, because I did not want to pick 20 noses. I thought I'd seen the last of you, Douglas. Yeah? Well, this time, I'm breakin' up with you. Hey! Troy, it's about time you got here. What are you waiting for? Take them out. Oh, I will. But I'm taking you out first. What? What are you doing? Surviving. You were gonna get rid of me, so I'm gonna get rid of you. And once I do, I'll be in charge of all your androids. You? Please. No one's gonna take you seriously. Then I'll make them take me seriously. We won't just take out bionic humans. We'll take out all humans. Good-bye, Giselle. Save me, and I'll get coffee with you. Douglas! Maybe now you'll take me seriously, human. Get him! One more step and I'll waste her. Adam, use your blast wave. No, it'll take you out, too. Troy has no regard for human life. If taking me out means saving others, then do it. I can't. He's gonna take me out anyway. You might as well take him out, too. She's right. (Laughing) They don't have the guts. It's okay. (Heart pounding) Not much of a water person. You owe me a swim. No! Adam! What? I thought we were doing this. That was amazing. How did you know to do that? I finally realized why Troy didn't like water. Old androids must be like cell phones. Sophisticated technology, but if you drop it in water, it's ruined. Wait, so does this mean the role in Bionic Action Hero is up for grabs? Wait. Where did Giselle go? Oh, man. The good ones always get away. I mean Oh, no. Come on, let's go. Hey, Adam. Just so you know, I love you, too. (Scoffs) Uh, I never said that. You misheard me. I can't believe there's not gonna be a movie made about us. You know, I do have a friend from high school - who produces All: No! Chase, I'm sorry. I can't believe I trusted Troy just because he was cute. And tall. And ripped. Yeah, well, now he's mangled, melted and dead. Hey, what's important is that everyone's okay. Yeah, Giselle is still out there, but without her androids, she's powerless. She's got nothin' left. Come on. It's gotta be around here somewhere. (Instrument beeping) (Beeping intensifies) There we go. Troy was such a disappointment. But you won't be. Hello, Marcus.