I Was a Middle Aged Robot

(Scene opens in the backyard)

Candace: Bubble gum, bubble gum, running in a sack. Hop to the finish and don't look back. C'mon, Dad. Sing it.

Lawrence: I can't remember the words.

Phineas: What to do. What to do.

Candace: Gangway, on your right. One side, coming through. (trips over Perry) (at Phineas) Argh! How many times have I told you to keep Perry out of my way when I'm balancing eggs on a spoon?

Phineas: Um, never?

Candace: I would have thought it would have been understood.

Phineas: What the heck are you doing, anyhow?

Candace: I'm training for this year's father daughter picnic competition. And I'd really like to win for a change.

Dad, c'mon! We're not finished practicing!

Lawrence: I'll be right there, sweetheart, I'm just clearing a spot for the trophy we're going to win today.

Candace: Dad, those trophies are lame. "Last place?" "Nice try"?

Lawrence: Oh, c'mon, how about his one? First place! (Takes out a trophy)

Candace: It means "loser", Dad. (Makes an L shape with her fingers on her forehead)

Lawrence: Well, that's not very nice, is it. But look on the bright side, Candace, this year we might take home one just like this. Ta da! (Makes a W with his three fingers on his forehead)

Candace: Third place?

Lawrence: No, winner. It's a W.

Linda: How are my two favorite competitors doing?

Candace: Ugh. (Leaves)

Linda: Well, I've got a few errands to run. But I should be there by the time the contest starts.

Lawrence: Oh, please try to make it, I think Candace could really use someone cheering her on.

Phineas: Did you hear that, Ferb? I know what we're going to do today! Hey, where's Perry?

(Perry knocks on the lair door and jumps in it after it opens. Lawrence walks by with a basketball)

Lawrence: (notices the lair entrance) How peculiar. Anybody there -- (falls through the door and slides down to Perry's lair) Oh.

Major Monogram: Ah, Agent P. (Lawrence gasps and hides behind the hovercar) Doofenshmirtz has been doing some research on the structural properties of glue. It's probably not... (continues under)

Lawrence: Say, that fellow wearing the dashing fedora looks awfully familiar...

Major Monogram: Good luck, Agent P.

(Perry jumps out of his seat)

Lawrence: (gasps) Perry?!

(Perry goes up the elevator)

Lawrence: Ooh, I got the feeling I wasn't supposed to see that. (trips on a cable) Ooh! That hurt. (lands in the memory eraser and mumbles)

(The screen begins playing everything that happened earlier in reverse)

Computer: Memory erase sequence initiated. 5% completed.

(Shift to the backyard, Isabella arrives)

Isabella: Hey, Phineas! Hi, Ferb!

Phineas: (he and Ferb are bouncing on something) Hi, Isabella. Come on in.

Isabella: (enters) What'cha doin'?

(reveal they are bouncing on a giant pump and fire hoosher)

Phineas: Oh, just trying to generate 40,000 cubic feet of compressed air.

Isabella: What's it for?

Phineas: You'll see in a minute. I don't wanna blow the reveal too soon.

Isabella: Anything I can do to help?

Phineas: We still need some pom-poms, a fog machine, and 372 feet of bungee cord!

Isabella: (she wrote this down) You got it!

(Shift to the lair, Carl comes in sweeping, he is humming Gitchee Gitchee Goo)

Computer: Memory erase: 95% completed.

Carl: (deactivates the memory eraser) Mr. Fletcher, are you okay?

Lawrence: Daddy?

Carl: Uh-oh. (sees Monogram try on fake mustache) Major Monogram, we have a situation here. Mr. Fletcher got caught in the memory eraser!

Major Monogram: Great googly moogly, Carl! This could bring down the entire organization. (straightens his mustache) Get him back to headquarters right away so we can restore his memory.

Carl!

(Scene shifts to O.W.C.A. headquarters. Carl is carrying "baby" Lawrence)

Lawrence: Dada!

Major Monogram: We can't let the family see him like this, he's got the brain of a toddler. We need to restore his memory before he's missed at the Father Daughter Picnic.

Carl: But that'll take over three hours!

Lawrence: Ah-ha-ha-ha! Dada!

Major Monogram: Better hurry before it's time to change him.

Carl: Sir, I have--

Lawrence: Da da da da da da da da!

Carl: Will you stop it? I am trying to have a conversation.

Lawrence: WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

(Carl puts a pacifier in Lawrence's mouth, quieting him)

Carl: As I was saying sir, I may have a solution. (presses a button, opening a garage) Anticipating just this kinda situation...

(Reveal the Flynn-Fletcher family robots)

(Song: Phinedroids and Ferbots (instrumental))

Carl: I have been building robot replicas of the Flynn-Fletcher family. We can get Agent P to operate the Mr. Fletcher robot, until we can replace him with the real Mr. Fletcher!

Major Monogram: W-wait a minute. You anticipated a specific situation like this?

Carl: Yup.

(long pause)

Major Monogram: Wow, that's a little creepy, Carl.

Carl: Yes. (pause) Yes it is.

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

(Cut to Doofenshmirtz, in a pilot uniform, already monologuing to Perry.)

Doofenshmirtz: ...and by "inopportune", of course, I mean, "Completely opportune!!" I was just about to drop an entire container of "eulg" on the Tri-State Adult Diaper Factory! And what is eulg, you may ask? It's the opposite of glue. (Squirts some on a boombox.) A few drops of this will make anything fall apart. See? Now, witness as I—

(Perry's watch beeps.)

Major Monogram: (on watch) Agent P, (Perry holds up a finger to signify "wait a minute") Agent P, you must abort your current mission! There is something much more important than Doofenshmirtz!

Doofenshmirtz: Hello? I'm right here! I can hear you, you know!

Major Monogram: Rendezvous back at headquarters. Monogram out. (hangs up)

(Perry smiles embarrassingly at his adversary.)

Doofenshmirtz: Fine, fine. You have somewhere more important to be. But don't you want to know (Perry jets away) why I want to destroy the adult diaper factory? It's a terrific backstory!

Perry!

Doofenshmirtz: Y'know, this is gonna be a backstory, too, someday!

(Cut to the backyard where Candace is walking around.)

Candace: Dad! Where could he be? Dad, come on, we gotta go!

Phineas: Hey, Candace, you wanna see what we—?

Candace: DAD!!!

Phineas: Well, she'll see it soon enough. (To the Fireside Girls and pulling a rope to unveil something) Ladies and girls, I give you... (the dust cover comes off to reveal a blimp with an electronic sign with the words "GO CANDACE!" on it) the floating pep-squad mobile!

Fireside Girls: Go, Candace!

(Song: Kronk for Hire (instrumental))

Phineas: Come on. Let me give you the tour. First stop: our observation and media deck. Our engine room provides pollutant-free power along with a vigorous aerobic workout. And last but not least, our 360º fun bounce! (The girls giggle as they bounce around. Ferb, in a captain's uniform, blows a ship's whistle.) Sounds like it's time to get this baby airborne.

Isabella: Fireside Girls, start your pedaling! (The blimp takes off.)

Candace: Dad!

(Cut to Carl with Lawrence in the memory restorer.)

Computer: Memory restoration, 7% and counting.

(Pan left to reveal Monogram with Perry and the Lawrence robot.)

Major Monogram: That's why you'll be controlling this robotic version of Mr. Fletcher. (He carries Perry up and into the robot.) Unfortunately, the operation manual is in Dutch. (Gives Perry the foreign manual.)

Carl: But we were able to find a Dutch to French dictionary, and a French to English dictionary.

(Carl and Monogram salute.)

Major Monogram: Godspeed, Agent P. (Perry salutes back.) Now, commence startup.

(Cut to inside the robot. Perry skims through the Dutch manual, then the Dutch to French dictionary, then the French to English dictionary. He pulls on two handles and we hear a startup noise.)

Carl: Startup successful. Now try the body controls.

(Perry skims through the Dutch manual, then the Dutch to French dictionary, then the French to English dictionary. He pushes a button and the robot moves.)

Carl: Body controls seem to be good. Now try talking.

(Perry sighs and skims through the Dutch manual, then the Dutch to French dictionary, then the French to English dictionary.)

Lawrence Robot: Jolly good, Candace. As long as it's okay with Mum, it's okay with me. Stiff upper lip and all that.

Major Monogram: Uh, is that all he can say?

Carl: The kit originally came with one default phrase.

Lawrence Robot: Lovely windmill, isn't it.

Carl: Oh, those kooky Dutch! Now, Agent P, try to emote.

(The robot short circuits and its face blows off. Monogram yells.)

Carl: Oops, sorry. (Puts the face back on.) Sometimes this happens. I'm still working out the bugs then. There, good as new.

Major Monogram: (looking at his watch) And not a minute too soon. (gives thumbs up) Good luck, Agent P. Monogram out.

(The robot sputters and rockets up.)

(Cut to Danville Park where the Father Daughter Picnic is already underway. Candace is on her phone.)

Candace: Well, if you talk to Dad, just tell him to meet me at the park. I couldn't find him anywhere, so I came down by myself.

(Cut to Linda in a traffic jam.)

Linda: I'm sorry, Candace. I got stuck in a bit of traffic, but I'll be there as soon as I can.

(Cut back to Candace.)

Candace: If Dad doesn't get here soon, we'll have to— (The Lawrence robot appears.) Oh, nevermind, Mom, he's here! (to the robot) Let's go get checked in for the contest!

Lawrence Robot: As long as it's okay with Mum, it's okay with me. (walks away)

Candace: Okay.

(Pan up to reveal the floating pep-squad mobile.)

Phineas: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Phineas Flynn. We have a perfect view of today's first event: The father-daughter tug o' war. Let's give our team a little encouragement.

(Two airhorns come out of the blimp and blow.)

Fireside Girls: Charge!

(Smoke appears out of a pipe spelling the words "GO GO CANDACE". Cut to Candace and her "father".)

Candace: Dad, look up there! (Cut to inside the robot where Perry is viewing Candace's busting attempt.) Phineas and Ferb are flying in a giant blimp!

Lawrence Robot: As long as it's okay with Mum, it's okay with me.

Contestants: Everyone, heave! Pull!

Candace: Whoa! Come on, Dad! Dig in your heels!

''(Spikes come out of the robot's feet. The arms come apart and Candace lands in the mud. Perry pushes a button and two magnets come out of the armholes and retrieve back the arms. Muddy Candace walks by her fake father.) '' Candace: Great, Dad! Looks like we're still losers!

Lawrence Robot: (follows her) Jolly good, Candace.

(Cut to the blimp, The sign now reads: "CHANGE POSITION")

Phineas: (offscreen) Our father-daughter teams are changing positions and settling in (a pie appears on the sign) for the gooseberry pie eating contest. Each team will have sixty seconds to eat as much pie as possible with their hands behind their backs.

(Horn blows. Candace digs in. The robot's mouth becomes a vacuum sucking all the pies. Cut to inside the robot. Perry gathers all the pies and sets them down. Cut to outside to reveal Perry putting the pies out of the butt of the robot. Balthazar passes by and sees this.)

Balthazar: Ew!

(Cut back to the blimp.)

Phineas: Now it's time for a real crowd pleaser! The father-daughter balloon animal sculpting contest. We've got a butterfly, a snail, Oh, and a snake. Very creative.

(Pan across to the Lawrence robot and Candace's creation.)

Judge: And, uh, this is a—?

Lawrence Robot: Lovely windmill, isn't it.

Judge: That's not technically a balloon animal. Zero points!

(The robot starts to shake and steam.)

Candace: Can you believe that?! She mocked you. Dad? (puts her hand on the robot) Ouch! Dad, you're burning up! I'll go get you some water. (Runs off.)

(Cut to inside the robot where Monogram is on screen talking to a sweaty Perry.)

Major Monogram: Agent P, I'm afraid your robotic Mr. Fletcher is overheating. Apparently, Carl forgot to top off the coolant levels.

Carl: (offscreen) Sorry, sir.

Major Monogram: You've got to keep that robot under control until we can make the switch. (Perry salutes.)

(Candace returns with a water bottle.)

Candace: Here ya go, Dad. Drink lots of water. (gets out her phone and dials) And where's Mom?! (The head of the robot opens up and Perry grabs the water bottle from the robot's hand and squirts lots of it inside.) She should have been here a long time ago!

Linda: (on phone) Candace, I'm just a few blocks away.

Candace: Well, hurry, Mom! You gotta see what Phineas and Ferb have creat—

Linda: (on phone) Ooh, sorry, Candace. Going through a tunnel. Gotta go.

Candace: (to the robot) Well, you look a lot better. Let's head on over to the water balloon toss.

(Cut to the sky where we see Doofenshmirtz flying an airplane.)

Doofenshmirtz: Closing in on the target. (Cut to the plane to reveal Doof reading a map.) With Perry the Platypus out of the scenario, nothing will stop me! (laughs)

(Cut back to the park. Phineas and Ferb lower themselves to a couple of guys in the bleachers.)

Phineas: Excuse me, sir, could you stand up and sit right back down?

Man: I...suppose.

(He does so causing a chain reaction in the bleachers.)

Phineas: Hey, we started a wave!

(Zoom out to show the water balloon toss.)

Candace: Gently. (She catches the balloon then throws it back to the robot, who catches it.)

Lawrence Robot: Jolly good, Candace. (Throws it back to Candace.)

Candace: Whoa-ee! (catches it) We're doing great, Dad! (She throws it back to the robot whose arm stretches out long, literally, and catches it.) Wow, nice reach!

(Cut to inside the robot where Monogram appears on screen again.)

Major Monogram: Agent P, we've finished restoring Mr. Fletcher's memory. You need to distract the girl so we can make the swap.

(The robot's arm twirls around causing the balloon to go very long.)

Candace: Uh-oh. (runs off) Don't worry, Dad! I'll get it! I'll get it!

(The robot walks through the bushes to the parking lot where the ice cream truck from "Swiss Family Phineas" is. Carl opens the back to reveal the real Lawrence with a helmet on his head inside.)

Carl: Hello, Agent P. (Carl pushes Lawrence out. The robot takes his "5" sign off and puts it on Lawrence.) Thanks, we gotta hurry! Off you go! (Pushes Lawrence through the bushes. Perry comes out of the butt again and Carl shakes his hand.) Nice work, Agent—

Balthazar: (offscreen) AHHH!

(Zoom out to reveal Balthazar staring. His ice cream drops to the ground.)

Carl: Our cover's blown! We gotta move! Go go go go!!! (The truck zooms away.)

Lawrence: Ugh, my head. Where am I?

Candace: Dad! Dad! I caught the balloon and the judges gave us some points for the longest distance!

Lawrence: Ow, yes, but where are we?

Candace: I think we're in second place. Let's go!

(Cut to:)

Doofenshmirtz: The adult diaper factory! I'll be over the target in exactly, ah, (tips the eulg bottle over while looking at his watch) five min— (gasps and watches some eulg hit the back of the plane) Oh, no, that's not going to be good. (The plane comes apart.)

(Cut back to the park.)

Phineas: Welcome to the final event. Ready? Set? (waves flag) GO!

(The sack racers take off.)

Candace: Keep up with me, Dad! We're getting out of rhythm!

Lawrence: I'm trying!

(They slow down and the other racers pass them by.)

Candace: Ow! Oh, Dad, it's hopeless.

Lawrence: Bubble gum, bubble gum, running in a sack. (Candace smiles) Hop to the finish and don't look back!

Candace: Dad, you remember!

(Song: Bubble Gum)

Candace and Lawrence: Bubble gum, bubble gum, running in a sack,

Hop to the finish and don't look back!

(Cut to Phineas and Ferb)

Phineas: Isabella, park the blimp and get everyone down here for the final cheer!

(Cut to Isabella in the blimp.)

Isabella: We're on our way! (She parks the blimp and the Fireside Girls slide down the ladders.)

Candace and Lawrence: Bubble gum, bubble gum, running in a sack,

Hop to the finish and don't look back!

(Cut to Doof's plane falling apart. He falls out of it screaming.)

Doofenshmirtz: (praying) Pleaseiwannaliveiwannaliveiwannalive! (lands on something. Zoom out to reveal it's the blimp.) What? I'm alive! Woohoo! (Part of the plane lands on him.) Ow! (More parts of the plane fall on him. Followed by a nail, which deflates the blimp) Curseyouperrytheplatypuseventhoughyouwerenteinvolvedinthischemewhatsoever!!!!

(Cut to Phineas and Ferb who are wearing giant Lawrence and Candace heads made of paper maché cheering with the Fireside Girls.)

All: Bubble gum, bubble gum, running in a sack,

Hop to the finish and don't look back!

Bubble gum, bubble gum, running in a sack,

Ferb: Hop to the finish and don't look back!

Candace: You got it, Dad!

Lawrence: Look, we're pulling ahead!

Candace: And, look! There's Mom!

Phineas: (on a megaphone) Go Candace! Go Dad! Go Candace! Go Dad!

Fireside Girls: Go, Candace!

(Lawrence and Candace cross the finish line.)

Linda: Great job! I'm so proud of you guys!

Candace: Mom, it was awesome!

Linda: Look, honey!

Judge: (offscreen) And the winner is...Candace Flynn and her dad, Lawrence!

Linda and Candace: Yippee!!! Yay!!!!

Lawrence: Huzzah!!!

Woman: (giving them the trophy) Congratulations!

Candace: Thank you! Heh. And thank you, Dad.

Lawrence: Do you know, Candace, I don't remember much of what happened here today, (hugs his daughter) but I'll never forget this moment with you.

(Cut to Phineas as Perry approaches him.)

Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry!

Balthazar: Hey, haven't I seen you before?

(Cut to the Agency headquarters as Monogram sees what just happened on a monitor.)

Major Monogram: Carl, we gotta fire up the memory eraser again.