Moe Letter Blues

Hello, darkness.

(School bell ringing)

Barney: Morning!

(Whistle blows)

(Yells)

(Beeping)

(Playing the blues)

(Playing the blues)

(Tires screeching)

D'oh!

(Tires screeching)

(Grunts)

(Explosion)

Ha! Ha!

Moe: Springfield, U.S.A. A town where everyone's got a story. I moved here 'cause on a calculator, the zip code spells "boobs." It's a town filled with winners and Skinners.

Why couldn't you have died instead of the car?

Moe: But everybody comes to Moe's.

(People chattering)

(Homer laughing, crowd cheering)

(Barney snarling)

(Crowd exclaims)

(Barney snarling)

(Lenny shouting)

(Barney snarling)

Moe: Moe's tavern, presided over by Moe Szyslak-- handsome, suave, debonair.

(Sneezes)

Hey, get the camera off of me.

I'm narrating here.

Moe: Anyway, here's my little tale. As the town's bartender, I know everyone's problems. And everyone's got problems, especially the married ones. Be they bible-thumper...

Timothy, I finished saying my prayers.

Not now, Helen.

Today's the day I paint moustaches on my pullman porters.

Mmm...

Moe: ...Or jerky jockey.

♪ Go to sleep, sleepy head, ♪ ♪ may a cloud be your... ♪

Where did we get this dreck?

Oof. Typical.

Here's the kind of lullaby my sweet mother sang to me.

(Woman singing loudly in hindu, babies crying)

Oh!

Why do you always change it to Sanskrit 93.7: The Dot?

I like Rajiv, Rubaba and Big Brahmin in the morning!

No caste is safe from their merry japes!

Having a ma-hot-ma or man-not-ma contest is not a jape.

It is sexist sacrilege!

I hate that channel!

But you have so much in common with them-- nonstop chatter during drive time!

Take it back.

I take it back.

Moe: And now you're probably wondering, what's this all building to?

It's a timeless tale of...

Hello!

Are you seein' what I'm seein' here? Ooh!

This omniscient point of view has got some surprising bonuses!

Yeah.

Aw. No! No! No! Oh!

What the hell was I talking about?

Oh, yeah. It was just before mother's day.

I destroyed my body to give birth to you?!

(Sentimental tune plays)

Kids, this mother's day, why don't you give your mom what she really wants: a break from you?

Have your dads take all you annoying kids on a Krusty krustival kruiseline day-kruise to historic Weasel lsland, one of America's ten roundest islands.

Explore a dark, dark weasel cave.

Tour the historic civil war prison, and picnic where the bodies were once stacked like cordwood.

Plus some kind of amusement park!

Announcer: Warning: You may not be amused.

You guys should go on that cruise.

You'll have a great time, and you kids can spend the day getting to know your father.

I like beer, hot dogs, and long blackouts on the beach.

And I can spend my mother's day taking care of something I've been putting off for a long time.

Cleaning the gutters?

That's something you've been putting off.

(Gasps) Cartoons! Everybody, be quiet!

(Ragtime piano playing)

(Moaning)

(Laughter)

So, Marge, what were we talking about?

(Sighs)

Why do I waste my breath?

Sorry, honey. I wasn't listening, and I won't be listening now.

Hey, Homer, what do you think mom meant by "taking care of something"?

Son, I'm a bit of an expert on the female gender, and I can tell you, women don't mean anything by anything.

Dad, that's a dangerous attitude for you to take towards your wife.

I hear what you're saying, Lisa.

(Whispers loudly) Nothing.

Into the playpen, sweetie.

And if you get hungry, there's lobster.

(Boat horn blows)

(Bicycle bell dings)

Special delivery letter for Misters Simpson, Lovejoy and Nahasapeemapetilon.

(Grunts)

(Yells)

Apu: It's going to drop.

What?

It's from Moe.

Moe: "Dear friends, I have some news that is doubly sad. First off, I am leaving town forever. And my going away present? One of your wives is running off with me."

One of our wives is leaving us for Moe?!

Moe's leaving town?!

Moe: "Perhaps I should've told you in person, but there's no easy way to say good-bye forever. So I'll say it the hardest way I can: in mandarin Chinese. Zai jian yong yuan!"

(All gasp)

Moe: And now, as our teakettle starts to toot, I'm gonna take a little break.

(Clears throat): Boy, this voice-over thing is killin' me.

Whatever that Don Pardo gets paid, it ain't enough.

Don Pardo: I make more than you can possibly imagine.

And I'm making it right now.

(Gull screeches)

Moe: Where are you?

Moe is running off with one of our wives?!

Well, the stationery's legit.

It's got the Moe watermark.

So I guess the question is, which one of our wives got Moe-jacked?

Well, I will end this suspense with a simple cellular phone call to Manjula.

(Beep)

No signal?!

No battery?!

I got Marge!

Marge (Staticky): Homer?

Marge, are you running off with Moe?

Homer? I'm... you!

You're losing me, or you're leaving me?!

We're breaking up!

(Phone beeps) Aw, damn it!

(Grunts)

Homer?

Ooh, can't talk.

Must text.

Marge, have you left me for...?

(Anguished moan)

We needed that pole to hook the dock.

(People screaming)

(Explosion)

Most of our cargo is explosives.

(Weasels chittering)

You rebel scum make me sick.

This is sweet justice for how you greybacks treated our boys at Andersonville!

(Grunting)

When there's cruelty involved, Bart sure knows his history.

Well, if Moe were leaving with one of our wives, it wouldn't be my Helen.

We just started a new Jigsaw puzzle last week.

We're still on the edges.

Well, Marge and I don't have any problems.

We never even fight anymore.

What?

When a woman is peaceful and content, that means all hell is about to break loose.

Think back, Homer.

When did you first realize Marge was checked out like a Harry Potter book at the public library?

Think back, think back, think back...

(Rattling)

Not that far back.

Homer, my mother's party's starting any minute. Get busy.

Moe, my in-laws are coming.

I need something strong enough that I forget I hate them, but not so strong that I tell them I love them.

Sorry, Homer, I ain't serving no liquor.

Just O'Glums non-alcohol beer.

Marge, this is crazy!

This is my mother's 80th birthday party, and you're not ruining it.

Oh, you'll have a good time.

I invited a friend for you.

Knock-a-doodle-you!

Flanders?!

Neighbor Marge invited me over to be the little angel on your shoulder, so you wouldn't listen to the 400 devils on the other.

D'oh!

D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!

Hey, chunky with the pants of meatballs.

Take our picture.

All right.

I wasn't smiling!

What the...

I had something in my teeth.

Why you...

My eyes were shut.

Lousy...

My sweater's on backwards! (Groans)

He can't do anything right.

Except setting off car alarms with his big fat footsteps.

You take that back!

(Homer grunts and stomps, car alarms sound)

(Both laughing)

Go ugly up someone else's house, you penis-curling she-devils!

Ah, you got it.

We're not staying where we're not wanted.

Every time I plan something that means something to me, you somehow mess it up.

(Snapping)

(Snapping)

I need some cash, man.

"You will lose all your money."

(Scoffs) We'll see about that.

One, please.

You had that scar before you got on.

What scar?

Oh, you'll find out.

Oh, I like keeping, I like keeping records of myself.

Oh. Ah, man, do I make the soup.

My goodness, do I make the soup.

Oh, I'm doomed!

Now, we don't know for sure it's your wife.

It could be yours.

Oh, no, sir.

My marriage is solid.

Manjula would never cheat on me like I cheated on...

Oh, boy.

That's right.

Now, was there ever a time when your wife might have found comfort in Moe's hairy arms?

Think back, Apu.

Think back, Apu...

(Ralph yelps)

(Thunder crashing)

May we use your restroom to change our kids out of their cricket uniforms?

We got caught in the rain because someone wouldn't use international short form rules.

All right, calm down there, 'pu and she-pu.

You can use the restroom. (Sighs)

My one day off and it is miserable.

This is my day every day.

You see this?

I'm playing the world's smallest sitar for you.

(Thunder crashing)

One, two, three, four, five, six...

(Gasps, screams)

We are missing a tuplet!

We must have left it at that godforsaken pub!

How could you forget your own child?

How could you forget your own child?!

Oh, I can't believe I married you.

What my grandfather saw in your grandfather, I will never know.

(Phone beeps)

Moe: Uh, hey, 'pu.

I just want you to know that I got one of your kids here.

This ain't a kidnapping thing, but if you're in the mood to give me a million dollars, that's cool.

This should not be interpreted by federal agents as a threat.

Once again, uh, no threat, but will take the dough.

Well, one of us has to go back to Moe's.

Maybe have a beer or two, shoot a game of pool, and if I win, I have to play the challenger, such are the customs of billiards.

(Tires squealing)

What a great father, I say sarcastically!

If only that mark on your forehead was an off button!

Hours later, she returned-- smelling of beer and pickled eggs.

I know no more.

Uh... I do.

You do?! Tell me!

I was there when your wife got to Moe's, being my usual effervescent self.

(Snoring)

(Giggling) (Gargling)

Oh, thank you for saving my precious... Gheet! (Sighs)

Sounds like you had a rough day.

It's true.

My eyes have more bags than the darjeeling limited.

(Laughs) Yeah, that's-that's probably a good one.

Here, I got somethin' that might cheer ya up.

I got this for women that came to the bar, and, uh, low-blow boxing for the guys.

My nards! My nards! My nards!

So, uh, would you like to cut one?

I mean a rug.

Oh, God, I always say the wrong thing.

♪ RedOne, Konvict Gaga... ♪

You said you'd be home by 7:00 to help with my mother's birthday!

(Marge grunting, Homer groaning)

Then what happened?

I don't know.

(Children moaning)

Teacup? How'd that get in there?

Question me, you little rutabaga brain, I'll take your eyeball and make soup out of it.

Well, how can you be sure your wife is not the putty in the bartender's hands?

Yeah, padre.

How innocuous are your flashbacks?

Well, I, uh...

(Ferry horn honking)

The ferry will be back in ten minutes.

It'll take us home to find out the truth.

The truth.

The roof.

(Honking continues)

(Car horns honking)

I'm still mad at you from last night.

Today's the first, which means it was last month, which means you're being ridiculous.

Hmm, I'm glad we never argue like that.

Yes, to argue, you have to actually talk to each other.

Way to bitch up the conversation, Helen.

(Grunts)

Oh, Tim.

As your spiritual advisor, I'm afraid you two have a b-b-b-big problem.

Me and Helen?

Why, we're as happy as Adam and Eve before Eve munched us all to hell.

Mm-mm-mmm.

I'm gonna let you in on a little trick they taught us in divinity school.

Now take a look at Helen over there.

She seems happy as a clam, am I right?

Lovejoy: Oh, happier.

Where a clam has only one pearl, she has many.

Now, don't you jive me, Tim.

Just take your thumb and put it over her mouth.

(Growling)

See?

Looks like that she-cano is about to blow!

♪ Krakatoa, east of Java, ♪ ♪ never spewed a hotter lava ♪ ♪ than a mount Saint Helen who's mad at you. ♪ ♪ Kilauea or you will pay her... ♪

(Both scatting)

Is the preacher here?

'Cause there's somethin'

I gotta get off of my chest.

Somethin' more suited for the town gossip than the minister's wife.

Do tell.

Uh... well, there's this married woman that I have feelings for.

And her husband don't realize how upset she is with him.

Do I know her?

I'm, uh...

I'm sure you do.

Oh. (Giggles)

What's so damn funny?

I mean... (Chuckles)

Oh.

That's right.

She touched his knee.

His knee.

Dad, I'm gonna need some help getting this off.

(Lisa grunting, metallic squeaking)

Otto, you got to get us back to town.

Oh, nobody told me I had to drive the bus back.

(Grunts) I've mistimed some substances!

(Metallic snapping)

Here it comes, the moment of truth.

(Gasps) She's packing her bag.

So it is you, Mr. Homer.

But let's be honest.

A woman her age married to a man of-- how old are you, 65?

Thirty-nine.

Dear God, this day gets more and more disturbing.

(Homer moaning)

(Gasping)

Marge! No!

Stop packing your... painting supplies?!

Bart & Lisa: Grandma?!

What do you think?

You're not leaving me?

My mother explained that what happened at the party wasn't your fault.

It's that Patty and Selma.

There's something evil about them.

Did you know they smoked when I was pregnant?

Oh, Marge, you're not leaving with Moe is the best thing that never happened to me.

(Marge moans)

Otto: Okay, Reverend, your place is next.

Actually, Milhouse and I are next.

Huh. There's no suspense at your place.

Even I've hooked up with your old lady.

Sorry, kid.

You were my favorite uncle, Uncle Otto.

Two tickets to lstanbul?

That's right, Tim.

I'm taking these bags, and I'm walking out that door.

Meanwhile, you'll be setting the alarm, and then you'll join me in the cab.

You're leaving... with me?

Would you rather I bring someone else on the world's most romantic train?

Oh, Helen.

(Moans)

Is that a train in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Both.

And so it is me.

(Sad melody plays)

I feel the pain of a thousand squishee headaches.

My worst fears are confirmed.

Apu, this man has come here to convince me to do something I never thought I would do...

Stay with you.

(Gasps) You mean you are not leaving me for him?

(Laughs) Don't be ridiculous.

What am I, blind and noseless?

Hey, hey, I'm right here.

Believe me, I know.

Apu, our marriage will never be easy.

But nothing worth doing is ever easy.

It is true.

The tastiest ice cream is the hardest to scoop.

But if you wrap something warm around it...

Oh.

Very nice.

Well all's well that ends well, huh?

Yes, except for...

Why did you write that horrible letter?!

When I saw how much trouble your marriages were in...

...I knew I had to act fast.

I got Marge's mother to go to Marge, convinced Helen to ride the rails of romance with the padre, then I bought some roadside corn, ate it raw, got a kernel in my teeth, flossed with the corn silk, and then I came over to fix things with Manjula.

And I wrote that letter so you three chumps would realize that you have not been treatin' your wives the way they deserve.

Think of it as a wake-up call from a man who ain't got nothin' but a blow-up doll.

And even she left me.

Should not have used helium.

Moe, I don't know whether to punch you or kiss you.

So I'm gonna do both.

(Grunts) (Groans)

Yeck.

Moe: So all you mugs out there, be sure you don't take for granted the woman you love.

Oh, and it's mother's day, so call your ma.

Take her down to the diner at the department store there.

Get her a roast beef on rye.

Oh, and make sure she gets a fruit cup on the side.

She's worth it.