Li'l Hard Dad

Got to read, got to read, got to read, got to read, got to read, got to read, got to read, got to read. Wow, I feel the exact opposite way. Why are you saying that? Book report. I wrote the due date on my arm so I would remember, then every day since then, I've taken a shower like an idiot. When's it due? Tomorrow. Ah! What page are you on? The cover. (screaming) Call of the Wild? Is it about an insane telemarketer? Or Gene in the bathroom? I don't know yet. Hey, kids. Oh, Bob, this package came for you earlier when you were putting out that grease fire. See, that's why I hate school. We miss all the grease fires. Huh, I wasn't expecting anything. Oh. Oh, yeah. (chuckles) I-I remember ordering this. What the hell is that? I bought a remote control version of the helicopter from the movie True Lies, complete with a clutching Arnold Schwarzenegger and dangling Jamie Lee Curtis. Hmm. Oh. Hmm. Huh. What a beaut. Were you drunk shopping? No. I call it "nighttime shopping, with wine." I bid on an auction and, uh, yeah, helicopter. Mm-hmm. Fly, you b*st*rd, fly! Hold on, Jamie Lee, I gotcha. I'll save you from Tia Carrera, I think. I forget the scene. Hey, when does Mama get a turn? I want to save Jamie Lee. Lin, I just started. And I think I'm really good at this. This could be, like, my new thing. Dad, you don't want to be, like, too cool. Hello, boots. Hanging like you do every day. Give it. Geez, Lin. All right, let me just bring it in for a landing. You can't pull off that look, buddy. It's not you. Gentle, gentle, and... kiss the ground. (all groan) What the hell? How did that happen? I landed it perfectly. (squeaking) (humming) T-T-Ti... Well, it had a good run. Of one. That thing is a piece of crap. I'm getting my money back. T-Ti-Tina... Well, maybe it's okay. See? Oh, no, it's dead. Squi-Squi-Squirrel. ♪ I'm reading ♪ ♪ I'm reading ♪ Bob: Oh, Tina. Tina! Tina! (grunts) Ah. Thanks, Dad. I hate getting hit on the head by boots. Uh, you're welcome, Tina. Should we throw them back up? I kind of feel bad. They've been there for so long. (grunts) Look out, Tina! I just... froze. "And following a skillful landing, "it broke into a million pieces. Please issue me a full refund of $45 plus shipping." And send. That thing was 45 bucks? Plus shipping. Which was... also 45 bucks. The hell? Ugh! What's wrong with me? I just watched everything happen! The squirrel, the boots! And I did nothing! (altering voice): Hey, let's all be quiet so Tina can read. (normally): Who said that? Face it. I'm not heroic like Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies! I'm not even Tom Arnold in True Lies! Or even in Roseanne! Come on, Gene. Don't worry about it. That was just part of being a dad. You'll have those instincts someday. But what if I never get those instincts? Maybe I'll just grow up to be a very handsome coward! Dad, you saved Tina! You're a heroic man of action. I can learn from you. Gene, I-I think you're blowing this out of proportion. Though I did react with a certain amount of grace under pressure. What the hell?! (computer chimes) "Sorry, I don't give refunds for crash landings"?! "Heliflopter"?! All right, new plan. His number's on the Web site. I'm calling this guy. He's doing it! He's man-of-actioning. Which I call "mactioning." Hello? Is this Sheldon Felds? This is Bob. Gene: That's it, Dad. Give it to him. No, not Bob the crash-lander. It kissed the ground, Sheldon. Kissed it. Maybe I should've just bought it from The Hobby Hole. A real store. Hobby Hole! Well, how about I just come on down and demand my money back? Yeah, your address is right on the package. So see you soon, Sheldon! Oh, and, also, your handwriting is... not very good! Nice one, Dad. Bob, don't you think maybe you should just let this go? You know how you get. You start saying "It's the principle" over and over. It's the principle of it, Lin, the principle. Yep, there it is. Wait, how did you know I was gonna say that? I've never said that. Right. Yeah. Right. It's the principle of the thing, sir. It's the principle! Prin... ci... ple! Oh, well, it is the principle. And someone's got to stand up for what's right! Things are pretty loud, so I'm just gonna put my fingers in my ears. Whoa, that's waxy! Am I shouting?! I'm going over there. (sighs) I'm going, too! No, you're not, Gene. It's a school night. This is my school now, Mom, the School of Hard Dads! So just call me Li'l Hard Dad! Yeah! But, no, not that. But, yes, he should come! If Gene wants to learn to be a man of action, this is taking action! Okay. Bye. Come on, Gene. Let's go get our refund! Refund road trip! I forgot my keys! Yeah, he did! Deal with it! Deal with it! Yeah! Look at us, just a boy and his dad, driving to get a refund. Ooh, I got chills just saying it. Well, Gene, it's... Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't talk yet. I want to sample what you say and play it over and over until I've got heroic instincts coming out of every orifice of my body. Okay. Uh, it's not about being a hero, Gene. It's about doing what's right. Papa, do preach! And it is our duty, to mankind, really, to fight for justice. Some people say you have to learn to let things go. Well, you know what happens when you let things go? What?! What happens?! You drop the thing you're holding, Gene. And the thing I'm holding in this situation is this bag of crap. Nice! Listen to this. It's about doing what's right. (fart sound effect) Wow, I sound important. Powerful. Maybe take out the fart noise? No. It kind of makes you go, like, "Huh, good point" and also, "Good fart." Mom, Mom, look what I drew. It's me when I'm grown up, eating tacos with my monkey Sheila. Great, honey. Yeah. How's the reading coming, Tina? Oh, good. Really, really, really good. Good. Okay, fine! It's going terrible! I'm a slow reader! And then I get to a comma and I'm like, "Oh, I guess "they want me to pause, but for how long? How do I know when to stop pausing?!" I'm never gonna finish this book! Ah! And I'm gonna have to stand up there with the whole class staring at me and my armpits are gonna sweat and my boobs are gonna sweat and all the sweat's gonna meet in the middle and everyone's gonna know I didn't read the book! (grunts) Thank you. Tina, Tina, honey, listen. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, mm-kay? I didn't read any of the books I did reports on in school. What? Oh, yeah, I've never read the book. Louise! What? You never read the book. Well, I mean, you should read the book. It's-it's better to read the book. We never read the book. How can you do a book report if you haven't read the book? You just got to give 'em a little show. Pizzazz 'em so they don't even notice that you didn't you-know-what. Pizzazz, that's up my alley. I once did a presentation on Catcher in the Rye with only a catcher's mask and a loaf of rye bread. Now, that one I failed, 'cause I didn't back-cover it. Back-cover it? Oh, my God, Mom, Let me slap her again. No, it's okay. Don't slap her again. Tina's learning. See, Tina, you can't judge a book by its cover, but you can judge it by its back cover. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh... Wait, I don't get it. All right, let me see. Let me see here. Dog named Buck, stolen from his home, forced to live as a sled dog in the cold, unforgiving Klondike region. Oh, my gosh, I'm getting so many ideas already! Musical numbers, choreography... Musical numbers? Louise, you're on props and costumes! I'm on lyrics and dance steps! Tina, go wash your face! We got a show to do! S. Felds. This is it. Let's give him hell! (over intercom): Hello? Sheldon? It's Bob. Go away. Okay, bye. No, Gene, come back. Right, right. Li'l Hard Dad. We're not leaving, Sheldon. Not until we get our money back for this defective helicopter! So do the right thing and give us a refund. Well put. Yep. You don't get it, do you, Bob? Sheldon Felds doesn't give refunds to heliflopters who crash on their first flight. Stop calling me a heliflopter! We don't care how fun it is to say! You see, I only sell those novelty toys to make ends meet. My real passion is customizing serious RC choppers. Well, what is that? This is my quad. I've made a few modifications for... poking purposes. (scoffs) That's dumb. Poke! Hey! Ah! Tickle, tickle. Tap, tap. Missed me! Stop-stop that. Ah! Ah! Hey, there's something on your shirt. What? Oop, got your nose! Quit it! Ah! So, shall I continue to masterfully poke you, or do you want to run along home? The latter! Good day, sir! No, we're not going anywhere. Okay then! Suit yourself, Bob! Wet Willy! Ah! How is that wet?! Linda: Oh, she looks great. You look great, hon. Maybe the best she's ever looked. Give us a twirl. See that tail? Real construction paper. Stunning. Thank you. Wag it a little honey, will you? (grunting) Wag it, wag it. Shake it, shake it. That a girl. All right, so let the Call of the Wild book report rehearsal begin! Tina, here's the lyrics for the opening number. Go ahead and sing it! Go on, girl. Okay. Ring, ring. (weakly): ♪ Who's this calling on the phone? ♪ ♪ It's the Wild, is anybody home? ♪ Great lyrics, Mom. I know. But you got to belt it, honey. Let your voice do the reading that your eyes didn't do. That makes total sense. Uh-huh. So can you do it with vibrato? Like this? ♪ Wild, wild! ♪ (flat): ♪ Wild... ♪ No, that's n... Okay. You know what, try grabbing the skin on your throat and moving it around while you sing like this. ♪ Na... ♪ Like this? ♪ Uh... ♪ No. Let me try, let me try. (vibrating sounds) (coughing) Gentle! Gentle! Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. (groans) Maybe I should just transfer to St. Mathews. What? You think those nuns won't make you do book reports? People never stop making you read books, Tina. It's a sick world! You got to learn how to faux-dazzle it. Trust me. After tonight, you won't ever have to read a book again. I love you, Mom. Bob: So, Gene, I know it seems like we're hiding from Sheldon's helicopter in a Dumpster... Gene: Very much so. ...but we're actually just r-regrouping. And now I will calmly check outside... Oh, thank God. It's gone. I mean, regroup over. Uh, we can get out now. We don't have to get out on my account. I'm in my element. No, we are going to show Sheldon that we're still here and we'll never give up! Whoa. Whoa. What's that? Fish in the sky! This was in Revelations! Kirk Cameron was right! You done hiding, Bob?! We're not hiding, Sheldon! We were regrouping! And we still want our refund! Uh-huh. Swim, my pets. Swim! (chuckles) Your gently floating fish don't scare me, Sheldon! They're actually kind of pretty! It's a lot like snorkeling, which I've never done, but I imagine I would love it! Ow. Ow. Dad! You're shooting BBs at me! Ow! That one hit me in the nipple! That's his good nipple! My good nipple is bleeding! Are we done here, Bob?! You lose, I win! Also, I have a couple frozen pizzas in the oven, so I'm ready to wrap this up. No! We're not done! We're not? No! Two can play the game of having a helicopter that shoots stuff, Gene! Two can play! Wow, you sound really tough, even though you're holding your nipples. This is war, Sheldon! Terry: Hello welcome to The Hobby Hole. I'm Terry, how can I help you? Hi, uh, weird question. Do you by any chance have any RC helicopters capable of actual warfare? Uh, we don't have anything like that, sir. (whispering): Follow me. Welcome to the world of RC helicopter warfare. Both: Whoa. I was hoping that would get a "whoa." We have to be pretty discreet about our warfare showroom, as you can imagine, but neat-o, huh? "Sky-sassin"? That sounds brutal. War is brutal. Of course, we advise you absolutely... do not aim these at people. Unless you hate them. Oh. Now, I need to know what kind of element we're dealing with here. Well, it's this guy who sold me a helicopter online, Sheldon Felds... Oh. What? Oh, man. What is it, Terry? Just stay away from Sheldon Felds. Wait, you know him? Yes he used to work here. Until he was fired. Why? Let's just say Sheldon ate a lot of food out of the fridge in the break room that didn't belong to him and was clearly labeled. And when me and the rest of the Hobby Hole guys decided to gently approach him about it, he attacked us with helicopters. Hmm. You see this? One of Sheldon's BBs got lodged in there. And now I no longer feel comfortable wearing shorts. No! Trust me. You don't want to go up against Sheldon. Well, I am going up against Sheldon. He's on a whole other level. But I've got rightness on my side. Oh, you've got rightness on your side. Okay, then you're good. Really? You think so? No, but I just realized... why am I trying to stop you? I make commission on these. So let's get you all set up. Behold the Vanquisher. Whoa. Yeah, she's expensive. How expensive? $300. That's not much. But with that missile range, (chuckles) she's worth it. $300?! Of money? It's not about the money, Gene, it's about the principle. Yeah, it's about the principle. Terry, please. Teach me how to fly it. Huh, it's actually pretty, uh, intuitive. Yep, I probably don't need to be holding you like this. No, it helped. You know, before I let you go... good luck out there, buddy. Thanks. Okay, well, thanks for coming in.