Catch Him if You Can

1 All right, so what do you got, Dad There have been a lot of computer breaches lately. - (Coughing) - Dad, you good? Yeah, I'm fine. Anyway Noah Stone, one of the most brilliant hackers (Coughing) (Spits) Oh, my. Yeah, you're fine. Would you like me to get you some toast for that lung butter? I said I'm fine, okay? Anyway, the Organization has traced Noah to just outside Fargo. You and I are going there to bring that hacker in Yeah, why go get him when we got a hacker right here? Dad, obviously you're sick. No, I'm not. I'm perfectly achy and tired. My throat is scratchy. I think I'm getting sick. Really? What was your first clue? Was it the chills, the fever, me telling you over and over that you're sick? I can handle the mission on my own. No, that's not a good idea, KC. Will you stop treating me like a child? I can handle it. Besides, how hard can it be to take down some computer geek? Excuse me?! Computer geeks can be extremely dangerous. Look at me. Yeah, you're right. You can handle this on your own. I trust you completely. I'm gonna hold off on that hug. I wanna catch a bad guy, not a bad cold. All right. Oh, when danger comes for you You know I'll stand beside you 'Cause ain't nobody keep things hustle cool I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire Don't tell nobody, tell nobody I'm not perfect So many things I wanna tell you But I, I, I, I keep it undercover Livin' my life, no way to learn Doin' my thing, gonna make it work Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless But I always got your back Nobody can do it like I can I gotta find out who I am Ain't got to worry about me It's all part of the plan I keep it undercover. I keep it undercover. Noah Stone? Maybe. Who are you? I am your worst nightmare. You're a high school Spanish class I forgot to go to all semester, and suddenly there's a big test, and I'm not wearing any pants but I am wearing my grandmother's girdle? Hey, computer hacker, you don't really talk to a lot of real people, do you? No. No, I do not. Well, I'm taking you into custody. - Oh - Gotcha! I'm taking you into custody. Uh, excuse me. Who are you? Pinky Carter, professional bounty hunter. (Scoffs) Okay, you're a bounty hunter? Yes, a bounty hunter. A bounty hunter is someone who goes after bad guys for money. Do you want me to explain what money is? Okay, you keep up that attitude, I'll explain what a sock full of quarters is like to your kneecaps. I don't know how you reckon things down yonder, but he's mine, okay? I got him first, so take a walk, sister. If I'm takin' a walk, guess I'm walkin' with you. - He's mine. - No, he's mine. I never thought two women would be fighting over me. I'm sure no one did. Now let's go. Ooh. Sounds like she means business. I guess you have no choice. Uncuff me. Look, there's a reward on his head, and if I don't bring him in, I ain't gettin' paid. (Laughs) If you let me out of these cuffs, I can hack into a bank and wire you all the money you want. Win-win! Look, you're not getting it, okay? I am from a government agency, which means I outrank you. Do you understand? I don't understand. I'm just a dumb hayseed from the sticks. Maybe you should remove your handcuffs from my prisoner, and draw me a picture. You know, I am a great artist. If you let me out of these cuffs, I can show you. You like caricatures? I can draw you in a teeny, tiny car. Last chance, okay? Back off, Backwoods Barbie. Wow, you're like the pimple I had on my forehead last week. You just won't go away. Really? Was it that one or was it that one? - Oh, you just get outta here. - You get outta here. (Arguing) (Falsetto voice) I say we let him go. Okay, for your next assignment, you'll be pairing off as married couples. You'll be learning to balance a budget, raise a family, and get through important life events. So everybody pick a partner. Hey, do you Hey, do I always knew we'd end up together. Um, excuse me, Mrs. Greenfield. Is one of life's important events learning to love again after your fiancÃ© tragically dies before this assignment begins? Not if you wanna pass this class. I was thinking somewhere romantic for the honeymoon, like the Lord of the Rings Hobbit Hotel. Well, you know you're in a real fleabag motel if the hotel desk clerk doesn't bat an eye when three handcuffed people check in to a double occupancy room. Yeah, I just saw a rat crawl under the bed, so technically, there's four of us here. I don't know what we're doin' here. No matter who gets the credit, we gotta get this guy to D. C. Nighttime's the best time to move. We can't move if we can't move our feet. We're exhausted, so we're spending the night here. Or you guys can get some rest, I'll get a head start, we can all meet up in an outlet mall in Secaucus, New Jersey, where you can get a great deal on hardly irregular items, and I'll stop talking. All right, guys, first things first. We need to get something to eat. There's a convenience store 20 miles away. That's not convenient at all! What are we gonna do? I'm starving. Me, too. You brought your own food? I know I'm not very bright, on account of you explaining that to me, but I'm smart enough to know I like to eat. Ooh, still hot. Is that tomato? Yeah, made from freshly picked tomatoes right from my own garden. Do I detect a hint of basil? Also from my own garden. Um, can I, uh, please have some of that? Sorry, city slicker. Only enough for me and the prisoner. - I feel bad eatin' in front of you. - Thank you. So you unlock yourself and go get you something. We'll wait right here. You know what? I'm fine. I have been trained to go days without eating. (Stomach growling loudly) Okay, I have been trained, but my stomach hasn't. Please just give me a little bite, guys. Here you go, honey. I need my other blanket. This one's scratchy. At least you get a blanket. I sleep in a box. - Here you go, sweetheart. - Thank you. Why can't he do anything for himself? He's sick. What kind of sickness turns a grown man - into a baby? - Every kind. But he is my husband in sickness and in health. And he'd do it for me, so it's all good. Sweetheart, would you get me some soup? Sure, baby. I'll go heat some up for you. Oh, canned soup? I was hoping for my mama's make-you-feel-better soup. Are you suggesting that I call your mother, get the recipe, go to the store, buy all the ingredients, and spend the next three hours making you soup? I would do it myself, but I'm just (Coughing) so sick. All right, fine. I'll make your mama's soup. Thank you. And sweetheart, before you go. - Uh-huh? - Am I hot? No, honey, you definitely ain't hot. Ooh, I am tired. If I don't get my eight hours, I am no good. You're wanted in all 50 states. We know you're no good. Besides, the second we fall asleep, you're gonna try to escape. That's not true. I'd wait ten minutes at least, just to be sure. Wait. You insist that we check into a motel so we don't get a good night's sleep? I'm just learning so much from you, professional. Calling me professional is not an insult. It's just accurate. Now we are not gonna sleep. We're just gonna get some rest, all right? - Ow! - Oh, sorry. Other way. Ow! Okay, this is nuts. We gotta do this together. On three. One, two, three. Scooch. Scooch. - I need to be on the right or - For reals? I'll never get to sleep. How are we gonna do that? Lift your leg, I'll go under. KC: Watch the arm. Like that. Okay, that's good. - I need to be on my stomach. - Are you serious? This is ridiculous. That's my arm, that's my arm. - Yeah, I meant the left. - KC: Hey! No more moving. (Gunfire) (Shrieking) - What was that? - Laser fire. Let me put that in a way you might understand. Pew, pew. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. I know what a laser is. I meant who's shootin' at us and why? Probably the guy who hired me to hack the security system I didn't hack because you caught me. You know what? We need to go to the bathroom. Oh, really? Is now the best time to try to figure that out? Man: We know you're in there, Noah. Come out or we're coming in. So much for the do not disturb sign. Let's go. Is now a bad time to mention I'm afraid of heights? I'm just kidding. I know it's a bad time. Don't worry. We're not gonna be up here very long. We're jumping. Jumpin'? And you think I'm the dumb one? It's our only chance, okay? We go on three. Thousand. We go on 3,000. - One - Let's talk about this. - Two. - Please stop counting. - Both: Three. - (Screaming) (Scream echoing) Okay, on our butts. - Now what? - We run. (Screaming) Both: We'll go your way. (Screaming) It's all right. I'm just a computer guy. It's not like I need my hands. Do you get paid extra for bringing him in in one piece? - No. - Good to know. Let's go. Let's take a look at our marital profile. Okay, it says here I'm a court stenographer making $53,000 a year. You're a dental hygienist making $42,000 a year. Uh, yeah, no. No, see, that can't be right, because I would never have a job making less money than you, or touching people's filthy mouths. In fact, I don't want a job. I see myself as a wealthy philanthropist who entertains dignitaries on her yacht. And I see myself passing this class. One of our dreams could actually come true. So pick a place to live. I suggest we get a starter home in the suburbs. Or we'd save lots of money by living with my parents, - and buying an even nicer house. - Ew! No way! Why not? You practically live here already. You are so controlling. I never should have married you. You think you're a bed of roses? I don't even know you anymore. Will you two stop it? You wanna know how to make a relationship work? Just look at Craig and Kira. I spent five hours making his mama's dang soup. He doesn't like it. Now he wants me to heat up a can like I wanted to do in the first place. That man is driving me crazy! Craig: Hurry, Kira. I think I'm dying. I should be so lucky. Okay, this is the saddest marionette show I've ever seen. Look, Annie Oakley, I hate to interrupt your whittlin', but those guys are long gone, so we should keep going. Oh, really? Because I grew up huntin', and I think they're just waitin' for us to come out in the open so they can pick us off like a six-point buck. Here's another point. That's disgusting. You shouldn't be bragging about hunting defenseless animals. Yeah, she's right. Hunting is gross. Would you prefer us gettin' caught and taken out by your boss? I don't know about you, but I'd rather be the hunter than the hunted. On the other hand, hunting can be kinda cool. Look, we need to move. We gotta find somewhere to sleep tonight. I already got one. I'm buildin' a lean-to. I guess a lean-to will work. Oh, sorry, Miss High and Mighty. It's a lean two, not a lean three. Whatever happened to southern hospitality? Just gonna leave me out here high and dry. (Thunder rumbles, rain falling) I said high and dry! Get over! Sorry. No room at the inn. Get out! There would be plenty of room if you shut your big mouth! Would you both shush? I think I heard something. Probably just a critter. Man: I see footprints. I think they're over there in that lean-to. I'm outta here. I'd invite you two to join me, but you know what, you don't really have a choice, do you? (Coughing) Guess all I needed was a good night's rest. I feel great. What you doing, napping in the morning? I don't feel good. Buck up, you're fine. But I'm not. My throat's all scratchy, I feel achy. I think I need some tea. That's a good idea. I'm going out for a run. I'm sure he's just running out to get you some tissues. And by the way, I hate to pile on but it's "well. " You don't feel well. - NOAH: Oh, wait, that's my boss' car. - KC: That hunk of junk? I guess they're right when they say crime really doesn't pay. Hopefully, he doesn't mind if we borrow it, 'cause fortunately, my bracelet has lock-picking capabilities. - Stand back. - You stand back. Fortunately, my brain has "opening an unlocked door" capability. Who's gonna drive? - Both: I will. - (Gunfire) On second thought, you drive. Let's go. Move it. Move it, move it, move it! (Sneezes) Sorry. Okay, look, this has all been really fun and everything, but you should know that when we get to D. C., I need to be the one to take him in. Sorry. I can't let you do that, KC. My dad is countin' on me. What are you talking about? The thing is, my daddy and my mama and my little brother and sister, we're all bounty hunters. Takin' down bad guys is sorta like our family business. Wait. So you work with your family to take down bad guys? - Mm-hmm. - That's weird. You know, I think it's really sweet that you two are bonding, but I haven't slept in three days, Can we pull over so I can take a nap, please? (Yawning) Okay. Okay, fine. But we have to all promise that none of us are gonna try to escape. Okay? So pinky swear, Pinky? Or Pinky, do you swear? I know I was swearin' a lot when you first showed up. Oh, just give me your pinky, Pinky. I'm sick of arguing with you over everything. Can we just decide how many kids we're having? I'm thinking four. That seems like a nightmare. For the kids. Seriously? Four kids? There is no way I am having four kids. When would I find the time to hire and manage all of those nannies? No nannies. I wanna be a stay-at-home dad. You expect me to support this family on a dental hygienist's salary?! Forget it. Come on. I really wanna hear the pitter-patter of little feet. Get a dog. Fine. But if we don't have kids, then what do we do with the $200,000 saved in the college fund? We saved $200,000? We're millionaires! Yeah, I don't think you're gonna have to worry about your kids going to college. Oh, sorry. For a second, I forgot That I wasn't handcuffed to anybody! Dang it! Cannot believe I got duped by that bumpkin spice latte. So as you can see, my husband Ernest, a very well-respected court stenographer, and I, have decided not to have any children. And that dramatically increased our disposable income. I can now afford a fancy sports car. And we purchased a second home. A ski house in Vermont. That way, we never have to actually see each other. Which makes me think this marriage can last forever. But you didn't do the assignment. You were supposed to balance a budget for a family. (Both laughing) This isn't the oldie days, Mrs. Greenfield. Right. You can be a family without having any kids. Welcome to 2016. I guess you guys kinda do make a point. All right. I am giving Marisa and Ernie an "A. " You know, we make a really good team Mrs. Cooper. Uh, nah. See? This is why I don't go outside. This never would've happened inside my parents' basement. We're trapped. I don't see any way out of this, short of a miracle. Aw, did you just call me a miracle? I always knew deep down, you admired me. If I didn't before, I sure do now. Help us. Oh, I would love to, right after I secure my prisoner. Great. We're all back together. Yeah, he's not firing back. - I think I scared him off. - Think again. I hope you'll still give me a good recommendation. I get all my work on referrals. Aw, come on! What did I do to deserve this? Hacked a bunch of computers. Stole sensitive information. Sold secrets to the highest bidder. But you know what. Don't beat yourself up. Hey, Kira, how you doing? Leave me alone. What's wrong? What's wrong? You know, you get sick, and I took care of you. But the moment I don't feel well, then you just disappear and run out the door. Oh, really? Well, for your information, I just went and got you your favorite Chinese hot and sour soup. You mean, you went all the way across town to bring me my favorite Chinese soup? I knew it always makes you feel better. - Aw, Craig. You're the best. - Oh! - Honey, I'm sorry I misjudged you. - It happens. I'd give you a big kiss, but I don't wanna make you sick again. (Shudders) Where are you going? You just got home. Back to the Chinese place. Kira took my soup. Well, that's the building where we're supposed to hand over this clown. Oh, clown. You have a cute little nickname for me and everything. What do you say we rethink this whole takin' me to jail business? Oh, zip it. Well, go on. Take him in. Me?! Yeah, you. I mean, you deserve it. I gotta admit, you outsmarted me at every turn. Yeah, then you saved my hide. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here to accept the bounty. He's all yours. Really, I think you should take him in. - No, you take him in. - You do it. First one to find him takes him in. You're on. Rob, your name's on TV.