The Day After the Day After

1 When I was kid, my mom would use every opportunity to squeeze, smooch, and snuggle her schmoopies. There was only one time she expected us to do it in return Mother's Day. Naturally, we'd use the opportunity to mess with her for a cheap laugh. Oh, look at my special calendar hanging in a high-traffic area. How'd that get there? That's odd. Didn't notice. You wanna take a peek, see if there's any special day in May that you need to remember? Nah, I got Cinco de Mayo on lock. I think she's talking about French Labor Day. No, it's "Star Wars" Day! May the 4th be with you, right? - How could I forget! - That's right! - I gotta go shopping. - I love "Star Wars" Day. - So do I! - No, no. - How did I forget? - Can I give you a hint? Yep, nothing brought us kids closer than using Mother's Day to torture Beverly Goldberg. (Gasps) What? You're home from school already? What a surprise. I was just going through these beautiful handwritten cards you gave me almost a year ago exactly. Maybe you should come and take a closer look at this cards, get a sense of what they're about and how they make me feel? Enough jibber-jabber. I need a pre-dinner meal, maybe something that'll lay a nice base, like pancakes. Screw it. I give up. Murray, you are taking me to that Latin place on Saturday night, and we are gonna cha-cha 'cause these kids are ungrateful. No, I am not going to cha-cha. Oh, you will cha-cha, and I will be dipped. And you won't drop me this time. All right, you've had enough fun, you morons. Go tell your mom that you know it's Mother's Day. Aw, but we look forward to torturing her all year long. It's one of our better family traditions. Do it! (Sighs) Hey, Mom? We just realized that Mother's Day is this weekend. What? I had no idea. Oh, I can't believe you remembered. Oh, I just love my children so much. Here comes a tearful hug. Sacrifice the nerd and run! (Laughing) Oh, my favorite! Tell my story! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was May 3, 1980-something, and my brother and his pals were about to watch the most famous TV movie of the decade. Dad, I demand you give me the remote and go make us nachos as we watch your TV without you. No. Did you really think that would work? Yes! Now we're gonna miss the whole movie. I got a Sony Watchman. All we need is nine batteries. All we need is nine batteries. What are you dummies going on about? Tonight, they're airing a gnarly made-for-TV movie called "The Day After," where America's in a nuclear war with Russia. - Ka-boom! - America! Jason Robards, y'all! All of the teachers at school warned us not to see it, so we have to watch it to send a clear message of "Suck it. " If I say yes, will you shut up? This is gonna rock! But it did not rock. Not at all. This does not rock. Not at all! Turns out, "The Day After" was a terrifying and all-too-real depiction of a small town just like ours facing the fallout after the President waged a horrible nuclear war. - Too real. - War is bad. - So scared. - I'll never be okay. I like that Steve Guttenberg. He's got a lot of range. Dad, don't you care about what you just saw? There could be a mushroom cloud outside our window at any moment! I say, "Bring on the cloud," 'cause then maybe you'll shut up and I can get back to watching my shows. That night, the entire country watched that movie, and legit panic ensued. Okay, students, even though we warned you all not to watch that terrifying TV movie, apparently everyone in this school did, as well as 100 million other people. Therefore, we are going to have an emergency meeting entitled "The Day After 'The Day After. '" Of course, the gym is booked, so it'll be "The Day After The Day After 'The Day After. '" So, Wednesday. Oh, my God. How are you? I had nightmares all night. I didn't watch the movie. I spent the night organizing my Garbage Pail Kids into a protective binder. Don't want you to feel like things are going too fast, but this is our nest egg. Well, after watching that movie, I realized we don't have any time to waste. We should have our first kiss, right here, right now. We talking cheek or lips? Uh Thank you. I'm a big fan, big fan of you. Listen, my parents are renting a house at the shore this weekend. Come with me. We'll spend each moment like it's our last. What is the deal with this movie? My mom said I could bring someone, - so I choose you. - Well, okay, then! "The Day After" is the best movie ever! (Chuckles) Oh, my God, she just invited you down the shore! I know, Dave Kim. - But your mom will never say yes. - I know, Dave Kim! - You gotta think of something. - I know, Dave Kim. Lucky for me, the timing was perfect. (Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath my Wings" plays) It was Mother's Day. I'd strike hard and fast with a schmaltzy gift featuring the vocal power of Bette Midler. It would make my mom say yes to anything. I can fly higher than an eagle 'Cause you are the wind beneath my wings - - 'Cause you Unfortunately, my sister had the exact same plan. This is pandering garbage! You can't do this. Why not? Because I'm working on my own pandering garbage so that Mom will let me go to college 5,000 miles away. Emory is in Georgia. That's why I need to ask her on Mother's Day, when she's all buttered up and distracted. But we can't both lower Mom's defenses with an insincere, theatrical show of our love. Well, you're just gonna have to back down. Your dumb thing is way less important than college. But when will I have the chance to rub cocoa butter on my lady's shoulders again? Honestly, I can't imagine you ever will. But still, this is my whole future. Okay, fine. I'll back down. But only 'cause you're my sister and I love you, so I'll let you have this one. And you lose, sucker! Adam, stop! You stop! Stop! Okay, everyone, welcome to "The Day After" emergency assembly. First of all, I just want to assure you that everything is gonna be okay. It will not be okay! There's nowhere to hide in a nuclear winter! Whoa. (Chuckles) What Coach means is that there could be a nuclear winter, but it definitely won't happen. Till it does. Does not, because it was just a movie. That will, for sure, come true. Look, I know a lot of you are scared that the President is gonna snap, push a button, and incinerate us all, but I assure you, it will not happen. When it does, I'll be safe and snug in my fallout shelter while the rest of you mutants scrounge for cockroaches. What, you got no argument for that one? No, you're right. That movie has shaken me to my core. I have so many regrets. You got about a week to fix 'em, Andre. Well, let's start with that one right there. My name is not Andre. I only said it was in college to make myself seem more interesting to the ladies. - Let it out! - My name is Jonathan! And I love you, Lunch Lady Bernice! Are you out there? You're probably mashing potatoes. Oh, boy. Okay, this day is a wash. Everybody go home and hug your loved ones. (Cheers and applause) I know I should be happy to have the day off, but I'm, like, genuinely terrified. Me too. I feel so helpless. I never even got to party in Daytona. While Barry was desperate to survive nuclear war, I was using Mother's Day as a weapon to get what I wanted. Oh! (Sobbing) Did you like my movie, Mama? I loved it so much, I wanna crush your little face! Apropos of nothing Can I ask you a totally random question? Anything, sweetie. Well, I have a really big favor to Mom! (Laughing) I got into Emory, and I wanna go to Emory, so I need a check for Emory so I can go to Emory. And Happy Mother's Day. I love you, snuggle, snuggle! Aah! Oh, yes! My baby's going to college! What?! No! No, no, no, no. Adam, be happy for your sister. - This is a huge day. - No, no, no, no, no! Don't make it about me. It's your day, Mommy. No! No, no, no, no, no, no! Emory may be a thousand miles away, but with the love of my children and 20 flights a year, we will manage. (Laughs) I'm gonna get my pilot's license. Boop! (Laughs) Um, Mama, know what else is exciting? Jackie invited me down the shore next weekend. Oh, no, no. Your sister is going away to college. That's enough excitement for one Mother's Day. But I made up a whole tap routine celebrating my love for you on this special day. Yeah! You love your little baby boopie tapping his piggy wiggies. Adappa-dappa-doo Adappa dappa da dappa (Laughs) Thank you, Mama. (Chuckling) Oh, yeah. Happy Mother's Day. You will pay dearly for this. Emory, Emory (Chuckles) While everyone was afraid our president would lead us to war, my big bro would lead his loved ones to safety. - Fellow members of the JTP - JTP! - and the love of my life, Lainey - Lainey! - Don't do that. - Sorry! I know you're all worried about a nuclear apocalypse after seeing that scary movie on TV, but I want you to know everything will be okay. I call it Barry's Bunker. Sadly, there's limited room in the bunker, so some of you will be left outside to melt or be eaten by post-apocalyptic zombies. So, who goes and who stays? Obviously, you're in, 'cause you're my foxy lady, but the rest of you much prove your worth. Geoff Schwartz, what skills do you have? I know which berries are poisonous, 'cause I once ate some bad ones. Super useful. Next, Naked Rob. What skills do you have? And don't say "being naked. " Come back to me. Andy, clearly you're in, 'cause you have tiny little fingers that are perfect for shelling nuts. Plus, you can sleep in a drawer. Very insulted, but it's more important to live. Matt Bradley, looks like you're in serious trouble here. I was an Eagle Scout and a lifeguard, and I learned how to frame a house when I did Habitat for Humanity. Fine, I guess you could cook or something. Well! I'm glad you're all here, 'cause I have something very important to tell you. - Get out! - Don't worry, guys. We won't have to deal with this joker when we're in our titanium-reinforced bunker. You do know I raised myself since I was six, so if there's an end-of-the-world situation, you'd want me there real bad. Yelling at a sandwich for having too much mustard on it is not a skill. Well, I can repair a radio, rebuild an engine, swing a hammer, catch a fish, start a fire with small sticks. What can you do? I can basically do anything. I can break-dance, kick a light switch on and off, use a hockey stick as an old-timey cane. Sweetie, those aren't really survival skills as much as they are adorable things I love about you. Whatever. I'm your leader. That's my skill. It kind of seems like your dad's our leader, 'cause he's the oldest and wisest and actually knows how to survive. It's settled. Your dad will keep us safe when the mutant zombies attack. - Okay. - Fine! I don't need you or food or water. I can sustain my life on my own awesomeness. As Barry stormed off in a fury, I'd strike back at Erica for stealing my thunder. Armed with my high-tech VHS editing gear, I'd manipulate my mom with an even-more-epic Mother's Day video. Whatcha up to, schmoopa-lumpa? Oh, I'm just finishing up a little goodbye video for Erica. Aww. It's a little early for goodbyes, - wouldn't you say? - Well, before you know it, she'll be gone to college and only coming home on holidays. - I guess that's true. - And then, junior year, she'll fall for a handsome Southern fella and get married, and then she'll see his family for the holidays. But then I won't see her at all. Well, she'll come home occasionally until she has kids and then travel gets too hard with the twins. Well, the twins are as much mine as they are hers. - She's gotta visit! - She has no time. The twins are in school, and Erica got a job working the front office there and it's way too consuming. Anyhow, let's watch that movie. (Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath my Wings" plays) Lucky for me, - I was able to use - the cheesiest effects the 80's had to offer. Stop it! I'm trying to eat my Count Chocula! (Twinkle!) And I showed my mom a world without Erica. What did I tell you?! Stop filming me (Twinkle!) You're everything I would like to be I'm taking a Spanish quiz! I will kill you! (Twinkle!) I can fly higher than an eagle Okay, I don't know what this is, but you better stop (Twinkle!) I can't wait to leave this house and never come back! Get out! (Twinkle!) - For wind beneath my wings - - (Click) - (Crying) Oh, my God! What have I done? (Sniffles) I told my baby girl she could move away from the family, and now I'll never see her or the twins because of that damn desk job at the school. Are you just giving up? That's not the Beverly Goldberg I know. Oh, my God, you're so right. I gotta get back that envelope she put in the mail! Also, can I go to the beach with Jackie this weekend? Yes, fine, do whatever! I gotta get my baby back! (Vacuum cleaner whirring) Poo! Who designed these things? They're impossible to get into. Uh, ma'am? Can I help you? Yes. I accidentally dropped something in here, and I desperately need to get it back. (Laughing) Oh, yeah. Was it your keys? You'd be surprised how many people -- Actually, it's that letter right there from Erica Goldberg. She's my little baby girl. (Chuckles) Do you have any I. D. ? We can't just give out mail. It's a federal offense and all. Obviously, I knew that, which is why I'm just gonna Bloop! Hey! I know where you live! I don't give a fuck. Adult Adam: As my mom was running away from a felony, Barry ran to the smartest man he knew. Pops! We need to talk. As you can see, I've been hard at work on the chalkboard. Okay, why are people always dragging chalkboards around this house? Doesn't matter! There has been a great betrayal, and I find myself bunkerless. Just get to the chalkboard. I've created a list of my greatest assets. Do you think they'll help me survive when this world turns into a radiated, barren wasteland? Is this about that terrifying "Day After" movie? Woof, that gave me the willies. No! You're supposed to be my wise and reassuring grandfather that tells me everything's gonna be okay. I'd like to, Bar, but look at this list. You don't have a single useful skill, and I'm old! We'll be the first to go when the end comes. - That's not comforting. - Tell me about it. What are we gonna do? I got kicked out of Dad's pretend bunker, - which I pretended first. - That's it. We'll build our own bunker in the basement. Dad will never allow that. Then, you just gotta convince him. - To the chalkboard! - To the chalkboard! - Oh, it's here. - There it is. (Music Playing) Emory is gonna be so awesome. Check out the brochure. They have an incredible music program, and a brand-new recording studio that's open to undergrads. Or, funner idea, you stick around here and attend the local junior college/welding academy. (Laughing) Oh! Aww, that's sweet. You're gonna miss me. But too bad the check's in the mail and that ship has sailed. Here's the thing about that check. What is my college deposit doing back in this house?! It's a funny story, really. There is zero chance that this story will amuse and delight me, zero! Well (chuckles) It was in the mail. but I thought (clicks tongue) "I don't want it in the mail. " So I took it out of the mail. Why?! Why?! A certain unnamed schmoopie showed me a video and made me realize that going to Georgia is a bad decision for us. Me. But wait. I wrote a Mother's Day song that celebrates my love for you. Just, please, listen. Um (Piano plays) For she's a jolly good mother For she's a jolly good mother For she's a jolly good mother Please let me go to college far away No. - That no mother can - Denied. (Strikes counter) Damn it! Bust out that zinc, 'cause your man is going to the shore with you next weekend. That's amazing! You ruined my life! Erica, how are things, dear sister? What's going on? Well, your little beach bud made it so that I can't go to the college of my dreams just so he can suck face with you in the sand. Her words! But I wouldn't be opposed to it. I hope it was worth it, because you just lost a sister. - My Teddy Grahams! - What was that? They're little graham-cracker cookies shaped like teddy bears. No, I know what Teddy Grahams are, Adam. I meant with your sister. I kinda made a video that ruined college for her so we could hit the beach. Anyway, does it get cold at night? - Should I bring a jacket? - Um, that's horrible. Yeah, it doesn't sound that great when I hear it out loud. Maybe a windbreaker, 'cause the ocean breeze. I actually think it's best that I do my own thing for a while. (Music Playing) After his talk with Pops, Barry was determined to brilliantly trick my dad into building a bunker. Hey! What the hell? Sorry, had a hard day. Thought I'd catch up on some world events by listening to the radio. (Barry's Voice) Beeeeeeeeep! This is not a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Oh, no, this is real and completely serious, 'cause the newscaster said so! We have confirmation from President Reagan that Russia has launched a bunch of nukes at Jenkintown, just like in that movie we all saw. It's happening right now as we speak, live, here in the '80s. I know, Dad. This is a very scary moment. It's so real, I don't know what to do. Ha! I only made that incredibly authentic newscast to scare you into seeing the truth. I told you you're not building a dopey bunker in the basement. Thank you for keeping an open mind. I will also need money for the following items. "700 pounds of poured concrete, lifetime supply of potatoes, seven bottles of ketchup for the potatoes" There's one in the fridge. Just take that and go. There's more. We need, "a chicken, a cage for the chicken, medicine for the chicken, a chicken exercise-wheel, a lady chicken to keep the other chicken company. " Please stop asking me to build a life for this chicken! - Did he say yes to the bunker? - I said no! Did you tell him about the chicken? I don't wanna hear about the chicken! The chicken's the whole thing! He doesn't care about the chicken! Murray, just buy the boy a chicken. No chicken! It's just a movie, Barry. Look me in the eye and tell me for sure For absolute sure that this will never happen. (Music Playing) That's what I thought. With that, my dad realized how truly terrified Barry felt. Meanwhile, I figured it was time to make things right. Come on, Mom, right this way. (Both chuckling) Wait, there's no cuddle fort down here. Yeah, I lied. Erica, he's here! So, where's this cute mailman? Hey! I lied about that, too. We all need to sit down and talk. If this is another adorable video to con me, it's not gonna work. Actually, this one's for both of you. (Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath my Wings" plays) Turns out, that third and final Mother's Day gift would end up being the most important gift I'd ever give in my whole life. Whoo! Good job! Wow. Look at me, I was so young. Not anymore. My video reminded them both that even though the years fly and we never stop growing, there are some things that will never, ever change. It must have been cold there in my shadow You grew up so fast. Yeah, but I'll always be your little girl. I know, and I'll always be your mama, no matter where you are, even if it's Georgia. Georgia? - You mean - It's like I say With the love of my children and 50 flights a year, we'll manage. - You said 20 flights. - We'll figure it out. You always walked a step behind In the end, my mom got her perfect Mother's Day. Not because she held us close, but because she learned to let go. As for my dad, he finally realized just what Barry needed to hear. Listen, I was thinking about what you said. And the truth is, I'm scared, too. - You are? - I'm terrified! All I wanna do is protect my family, and the thought that I might not be able to do it, that keeps me up at night. - So, what do we do? - Nothing. You just gotta live the life you got and keep the ones you love close. Did you ever know that you're my hero? I'm still scared, Dad. I know. The world can be a scary, unpredictable place. But if we can be there for each other, that's when life can truly surprise us. President Reagan has been left "greatly depressed" after watching "The Day After" and has decided to change his policy on nuclear proliferation. As crazy as it seems, a single TV movie would end up saving the planet. And a little video I made in my room Mama! (Laughs) would forever change my sister's life. And in return, she ended up saving mine. Hey. I talked to your sister, and she said that you aren't a total piece of crap and that you actually saved her life. That's actually pretty high praise coming from her, but it doesn't change the fact I was a total - I want you to know I know the truth - Wow. Uh, thanks. My compliments to the chef. Next time, maybe just don't say anything. Got it. In the end, I never got my beach adventure with my girlfriend. But it didn't matter, 'cause I helped my sister begin the adventure of a lifetime. Thank you, Mommy. Sure, none of us knew what the future would hold, but that's what makes the journey so exciting. - Oh, and I - I can fly higher than an eagle You are the wind beneath my wings Thought you might enjoy some great tunes as you prepare our dinner. (Barry's voice) Beeep. We interrupt dinner for the Emergency Broadcast System. Oh, no! This sounds serious and real! We have confirmation from the White House that radioactive zombies have attacked Jenkintown. The military guys say the only way to outrun them is with a pair of brand-new, expensive Air Jordan sneakers. I don't own those! I'll be the first to go! - What should we do? - If the world's gonna end, I'm gonna snuggle my baby till the zombies arrive. Stop! I'll just wear my Reeboks.