Dave Returns

- Oh, God. - Hey, Boo-boo bear. What did you just call me? - Boo-boo bear. - Oh. It's one of several nicknames I made up for you, and you can choose which one you like best, 'cause I want this to be a give and take. Okay, we went out once, and nothing happened. There is no "this. " We have "cookie tush" Wow, just right out the gate. "Winnie the boo," "Lady presh-presh," "Ann-Berry sauce," "Annie get your boo," "Tommy's girl," "Annie banannie--" Hey! All right, let's do this. What are you doing? Is this not one of those? I might have misread the vibe. Oh, my God, dude, you have to be cooler about this. Look, I told Leslie because she's my best friend, but if anybody finds out about this and they start jabbering, it's gonna make it really hard to know if this is actually anything, so just keep it on the DL, okay? I feel like you're embarrassed by me. That is accurate. Can I at least change my Facebook status to "In a relationship"? Definitely not. "It's complicated"? [Sighs] Whatever. Am I in a relationship? It's complicated. [Triumphant music] [Knock at door] Chief Trumple, nice to see you. - Hi, - Hey, Knope. Wyatt. Been a long time, eh, cap'n? Or Captain. "Oh, Captain, my Captain!" From Dead Poets' Society. - You getting weird already? - Nope, I'm good. Pawnee's police chief is retiring, and I'm trying to get his endorsement before he goes. I'm really nervous because I need this for my campaign. And Ben is really nervous because he is afraid of cops. I'm not afraid of cops. I have no reason to be. I never break any laws, ever Because I'm deathly afraid of cops. Look, Knope, I've always liked you. But the Newports run this town. And frankly, they've donated a lot of money to the department. Mo' money, mo' problems, that's what I always say. How about "mo' money, more protective kevlar vests" - that save lives"? - I-I Sometimes I say that, too. I understand you need to think about it, but if you were going to make a decision-- The guys are throwing me a little retirement thing tonight at O'Flynnigans. There's gonna be beer. So why don't you swing by? I'll give you an answer. Weirdo can come, too. - All right. - Let's go. - Oh, hey, uh, may I say - Don't. - That the boys in blue - Stop. are heroes? Obviously some more than others. Oh, boy, here it comes. - And we're walking. - Okay. Listen up, people. This is very serious. Jerry, if you're eating, you're not listening. Thanks, babe. I don't know how many of you have heard, but there's a flesh-eating virus going around. Yeah. It's called "music," and there's only one way to get a vaccine, and that is to play it. To play the-- you get an injection-- Just say your piece, son. I have finished writing Leslie's campaign anthem. It's called Catch Your Dream, and it's amazing. It's kind of like We Are The World, except I actually think it could have a real impact on society. Here's the thing--we need backup singers, and I thought, "who better to be backup singers than Leslie's campaign team?" Everyone's got something they're in charge of for Leslie's campaign. My job is the song. She originally put me in charge of hot dogs at this fund-raising barbecue, and I dropped them all-- all of them, like a thousand, so I really want to do a good job. So we're gonna record this bitch tonight, Doubletime Studio. Doubletime, you said? Little brick building over on Liondale Road? Yeah, you know the one? No. You could not keep it together in there. I know. I'm sorry. But I'm fine now, as long as we get out of here as quickly as possible and never come back. Hey, Leslie! Oh! - Dave. - Hey. - Oh, my God. Wow. - Hey. You look great. San Diego sun Got me all tanned up. - So what are you-- oh, sorry. Um, Ben, this, uh-- this is my-- this is Dave Sanderson. - Oh, hey. - Nice to meet you. Uh, yes, uh, Leslie Knope is a female person with whom I was involved. We had a romantic-- "romantical" involvement until I relocated to San Diego, which is-- that's in California, which is southwest of here by a number of miles. So we terminated our involvement at that time. Are you here for a while? No, just tonight, for the chief's retirement thing. Oh, yeah, we're going to that, too, actually, but we're gonna go a little later, 'cause first, we're going to have dinner at a really nice new French restaurant. Cool. I'm gonna go to the gas station and get a frozen burrito and eat it right there at that table. Well, see you later. You should come to dinner with us. Okay. I shouldn't have invited him. I'm sorry. Oh, no, no-- No, that's okay. I mean, I just feel like it's kind of odd for me and him to hang out with you. Honestly, if you want to just go out with him alone, I'd be totally okay with it. No, look, he's here for one night. He's a really great guy, and he's gonna love you, which--bonus--will make all the other cops love you. Dave is a great person, and he's a great judge of character. Tonight he's going to endorse Ben, and Trumple is going to endorse me. Double endorsement. Ooh, that sounds like an Ashley Judd movie. Studio's down here. Let's go. Hustle, people, come on. Jerry Ah. That's vandalism. I have a problem. This happens to be the studio where a local saxophone legend named Duke Silver records his albums. I've heard of him. I heard he makes mature women swoon when he plays. From what I've heard about Duke, he's kind of a private guy. He doesn't want his nosy coworkers discussing his music with him or knowing that he exists. So, if you happen to see any memorabilia laying around, kindly and discreetly discard it. - You got it, Duke. - Don't call me that. I dig your groovy tunes, man. Did you hear me? I said, "I dig your groovy tunes, man. " Yo, Chuck, we're going to go ahead and play and sing at the same time. I want this to have the electricity of a live concert. So we have to play it perfectly every time? [Laughs] [Sarcastically] No, Burly, play it "unperfectly. " You mean imperfectly? I mean perfectly. - God, that was hot nonsense. - Yeah. Hey, uh, can I have a sip of that water? - Oh, sure. - Thanks. [Chuckles] That's sweet. The two of you sharing a nice bottle of-- - You told them. - [Scoffs] What? I asked you for one thing. Fine. I told them we went on a date. - When? - As soon as I possibly could. I texted them while we were on the date. - [Sighs] - I'm sorry. But you are too hot to hide, Ann. This is on you. Hey. [Drumsticks tapping] When you two spoon, who spoons who? Ben's doing an amazing job as campaign manager. - Thank you. - You're welcome. He's really smart. You know, a campaign manager is only as good as the campaign person that he is managing. So I'm trying to say you're a real smart lady. Uh, you can say that again. If anything, I'm holding her back. Aw, Ben. I said my thing first. Actually, that's why we were at the police station today. We're trying to get Chief Trumple's endorsement. Oh, yeah? Hugh's a buddy of mine. I could probably get him to endorse you. Oh, man, that would be amazing. - Yeah. - Thank you. Excuse me. I'm gonna use the bathroom. Uh, you mean "the whiz palace. " Leslie calls it that sometimes. I know. It's kind of cute, right? Yeah, that's real cute. [Ben and Leslie laugh] - So, how is San D-- - I'm still in love with you. - What did you just say? - Nothing. I did--nuttin' was said. Nuttin' was just now-- Did you just say you were still in love with me? No, I don't think I said that. Dave, why would you tell me that here and now? Because it's accurate. And because he's not here right now, so I thought this would be a good time. Can I just please talk to you about this for five minutes? No, you cannot bring this up at all when my boyfriend is here. Okay, we'll get rid of him. That's a good call. No, bad call. That's not the call. Okay, if we leave now while he's in the whiz palace - No, listen to me. Listen-- Hey. Whizzingham manor. It's another funny name for the bathroom That I thought of. All: Catch your dream [Snaps fingers] All: and shackle it to your heart. [Snaps fingers] - Catch your-- - No, no, no, no, no. Was that a joke? Were you joking just now? Because if so, that was hilariously awfully funny how bad that was. Why don't you take and really think about whether or not you want to be part of this? He's a gorgeous genius, people. Don't question his methods. Tom, am I to understand correctly that you are now romantically involved with Ann Perkins? Tsk. Oh, are you about to give me the whole "she's a great girl, I need to treat her right" speech, - since you guys used to date? - No. But she is, and you should. I just had no idea, and so now I have to Adjust. Tsk. Okay, great talk. Uh, how's work out there, Dave? Pretty good. Caught a lot of bad guys, about six bad guys. So you're leaving tomorrow? I'm scheduled to leave tomorrow on the 12:15 flight through Salt Lake City. Oh, it was so good to see you. - But I may be coming back. - How's that, now? - Well, I'm mainly here to interview for Trumple's job-- - Police chief. - Dude, that's amazing. You should totally be chief. You could endorse Leslie. I would definitely endorse Leslie. You don't have to. There's a lot of good candidates. I think I'm gonna take a little--go outside. You look like I could use some company. - What? - What? Would you like to step outside with me and catch up? We have caught up. We talked about San Diego and about the six bad guys. I think we're good. I could take a little jaunt with you. No, I don't want that. Well, I'm already-- I already said I'm gonna go, so I guess--I'm a man of my word. I'm gonna go. - Take your time. - Okay, thank you. Okay, honestly, how do you think I'm doing? 'Cause I feel like we're getting along pretty well. He said he's still in love with me. What's that? While you were in the bathroom, he said he was still in love with me. Oh, my God. Leslie, he's a cop. He's in love with you, and he has a gun? - Can you just not freak out? - I'm not freaking out! - Okay. - I'm not freaking-- Uh [Laughs nervously] I know, that's--I know. Uh, it was raining out, so I didn't want to get wet. I got some hot tea with honey-- good for the voice. I recommend you all try it. Mine's really just a cup of honey, 'cause tea is gross. Now, here's the thing-- we're gonna start from scratch. We're gonna get rid of this whole sucky vibe. I'm thinking we could-- Whoo! To the man! I was thinking, like, a crazy rock star vibe! See where her head's at? Follow her lead. That was amazing. Next thing, I want to hear how all of us sing on our own, so we can figure out where we're going wrong. This is not an audition, so relax. But if you don't sing good, you're out of here. [Whispering] I think you sound like an angel, and everyone else sounds like demons. I think you shouldn't whisper. Yeah, Ann's mad at me now, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve. I don't want to brag, but I have a ton of experience with women being mad at me. Chris, you're first. Sing anything you want. - Let me hear it. - Okay. Take me out to the ball game take me out to the game I just want to be at the game I would like to eat at the game I'd like popcorn and candy and the home team at the game! Boom. And the check, as you requested. Here's my credit card-- quick, now. - Check? - Yeah. You like dessert. Why don't you get a dessert? Oh, dessert's overrated and gross. Dave, thank you so much for a lovely evening. Oh, actually, Ben, would you mind if I talked to Leslie alone? Uh, actually, Dave, I'd like to talk to you. I don't want to talk to you. I want to talk to Leslie. Well, I want to talk to you, and if not, then I'd like to talk to Leslie. Well, I'd like to talk to Ben, and then I'd like the three of us to talk together. Well, then I'll talk to Ben, and then you-- and then I'll talk to you, and then you'll talk to each other, and then we'll all three talk, then. - All right. - So who's talking now? All: Catch your dream don't let it spread its wings and fly away Stop the song, stop the song right now! Please, stop it! Oh, for [Bleep] sake. Ann, I caught feelings for you, and I want you to be my girl, - [sighs] - And I don't care who knows. I know you don't care, dummy. I care. Let's not get hung up on who wants what. You know what? I'm calling this. We're done. What about our next date? If you want another date, keep walking away. [Door slams] She's still walking. I need you to know something, man-to-man. I still have feelings for Leslie, in a womanly fashion, and I believe she feels the same towards me, in a manly way. She doesn't feel the same way, because she has a boyfriend-- um, me, and--and-- and--and we love each other. That's--that information is-- it's not pertinent - Well, I-- - Frankly, at this juncture. I just said to you one thing, and you're "contraring" me. I don't think that's a word. I think we'd all appreciate it if you would just let me have three minutes with her alone. Consequently, I'd like you to clear the area. Okay, I'm sorry, I'm not gonna give my blessing for you to go and try and win my girlfriend away from me. I think that that's reasonable. Okay. Okay, and I want to thank you. I want to thank you for having this talk with me - Man-to-man. - Oh, well, thank you. - Thank you very much. - What-- - what are you doing? - I'm doing that. Are you serious? - You brought it on yourself. - What? I've got something I gotta say to you. - Where's Ben? - He left. - He left? - Yeah, he said, "I got somewhere I got to-- important to go, and I don't respect her as a woman. " He said that? And he acted more effeminate than he does in front of you. Just--look, I got some-- something to say, and it's emotional, and it's important. I need 30 seconds. Okay, what? Go ahead. What is it? Okay. Romance-- [Cell phone ringing] Hello? Are you okay? Yeah. I have to pee really bad, ironically. What were you thinking? I was thinking that I would cuff him, and--and then I could have time to speak to you, and then you would decide to be with me, and then I would come back here, and we would uncuff him together. Can you just uncuff him, please? Sorry. Would you look at that? Nature is throwing me a bone. Haverford playbook move number two-- "ladies love a guy waiting for them in the rain. " - D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d [humming] I never thought I'd say this to you, son, but you may be overthinking this. This song has to be perfect, Ron, okay? Leslie trusted me with it. I can't come up with some brilliant political idea, can I? This is the only way I can help. Maybe if I hit my head against the ground. That's worked before. Leslie is going to love it, I promise. No offense, Ron, but what do you know about music? Mm. Tsk. Hey, take a walk. [Groans] Clear your head. I bet it does you some good. [Knuckles crack] [Claps hands] Ann? Boo-boo? I don't want to say, "I told you so," - but - What? I was the one who didn't want to go. I know. I was hoping you wouldn't remember. I'm sorry. He was a very important person to me, and it mattered to me that he liked you, which is silly. Let's just go home. No, we're going to Trumple's thing. No, let's not go there. I don't care about the endorsement, and I don't want to put you through this any more. You don't care about the endorsement? Leslie, let's not let your terrible decision making get in the way of this election. What happened to you? I was waiting outside in the rain for you, 'cause I thought you would come out and be like, "aw, he's all wet. That's so romantic," but you didn't, and now I got the "sniffness. " What on earth would make you think I would like that? Movies. Oh, God, Tom! Why do you have to be so "you" all the time? I'm sorry. Will you help me get out of these wet clothes? [Light rock music] - Hey, you want a beer? - Oh, okay. If you're driving, I can't give you a beer. Oh, well, then, no, thank you. It's a celebration, man. You have to have a drink. I'll definitely have one. Don't make a mistake you'll always regret. Please, just tell me what you want me to do. So, if you move here, I hope we can be friends, but I love Ben. He comes first, and if you're going to act like an ass, I can't talk to you, ever. Okay, that's fair. I-I'm sorry. That was dumb, all that stuff I did. You just-- you make me crazy, and I guess I'm just surprised that-- you know, that's the guy you fell in love with. He's very--well, he's shrimpy, and he's small. Shrimpy or not He's smart, and he's cute, and he's kind, and he's funny, and he's got a great face and nice hair, and he's-- Okay, I get it. I surrender. - [Laughs] - I just want to know that you're happy and you're protected. I'm very happy. And he's not shrimpy. A few weeks ago, a guy called me a bitch in a bowling alley, and he punched him in the face. Oh, good man. I mean him, for doing that, not the guy who called you a bitch. You tell me where he is. I'll punch him, too. All right, guys, here's the deal-- we got to completely start over. I wrote a new song-- it's called The Promise Of Tomorrow's Wings. It's brilliant-- about a billion times better than Catch Your Dreams, which I realize now sucks ass. Hey, Chuck, go ahead and just delete everything, all right? Hold on, Chuck. Just listen to the song one more time, and then make a decision. [Scoffs] [Catch your dreams with saxophone] Where's that saxophone coming from? I don't know. I don't know the first thing about music. Shackle it to your heart Whoa, is that a new mix? It sounds way better. See? You just needed to clear your head. Hey, you guys, who is this? This looks just like-- [Cymbals clang] Ow, that was loud. I am telling you that Leslie, in the long run, is so much better for this police department than Bobby Newport is. [Men yelling] Gun! No, no, no, no! It's just a--it's paper. It's--I was reaching for paper. It's all right, boys. Leslie has a plan to raise cops' pensions and increase benefits without cutting back on hours. Newport's just gonna keep on buying you guys a couple new cars or some new uniforms, as always. That guy's all about short-term solutions. Pretty sweet sauce in there, eh, Ace? - What's wrong with you? - I don't know. Trumple gave me the endorsement, which is great, but really, the only endorsement that matters is Ben's, and I locked that sucker up a long time ago. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm about endorse ten beers into my mouth, 'cause this has been an incredibly stressful evening. Nice work, guys. Hey, a little tradition after Mouse Rat records, someone buys me booze-- who's it gonna be? All right, look, I know I messed up, but there's something I got to say to you. No playbook, no gimmicks, just me, Tom, talking to you as a person. Okay, I would like that. Good, 'cause this is what I really want to say. Baby, I'm sorry for how I acted but if you give me another chance I could be the boo of your dreams, girl so, when you're sleeping and you're dreamin' of a boo I want that boo to be me, I want me to be that boo so will you date me? - I'm saying date me - Okay, yes. Fine, fine, fine! - Yes, I will. - Baby, baby, baby, baby I will go out with you. Enough, please! - Really? - Yes. Dude, you wore me down. Just stop singing, please. The four sweetest words in the English language-- "You wore me down. " Go ahead. Oh. Go ahead. Oh, hey, Dave, go ahead. - Uh, go ahead. No, it's fine. - No, no, no. You're waiting. It's your turn. No, no, I'm not. - You're not waiting? - No. It feels like you're-- - I'm-- - It feels to me like you're being overly respectful of all these cops, and you're letting them go in - all in front of you. - No, no, no. I'm just standing here. Why would you be standing just here? - I w--I-- I was just checking-- Get in the-- go in! Thank you so much.