Ant-Man Makes It Big

(CAR HORNS HONKING)

Man: (ON RADIO) Hope you packed a snack there, commuters, because we've got two overturned big rigs on the 405 South in the Sepulveda Pass. And coming at you on the 405 North, robot invasion.

(THUDS)

Huh?

You, commuter, get to walk home.

Or better yet, run!

(SCREAMS)

Thor: Well timed, Black Widow.

My first time in Los Angeles, and thus far, all I have seen is infernal traffic and evil robots.

Yeah, that's pretty much L.A. for you.

Friday: Hawkeye, I detect six cybernetic assailants of unknown origin.

No offense, Friday, but I do not want an AI yapping in my ear when I'm trying to work.

Friday: But I cannot comply. Iron Man wants you to have direct access to my help at all times.

Even if I don't want it?

Maybe Iron Man thinks you need all the help you can get.

Help! We're trapped!

(GASPS)

My baby!

(BABBLING)

I, uh, hmm...

(BABY LAUGHING)

I've got this last one.

Not if I get him first.

(GRUNTS)

Odin's Beard!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Man: Ahhh! It's coming down! Go, go, go!

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

Hawkeye, get those civilians out of the way.

Let's go, people! Get clear!

Come on, will you?

It's giving way!

(GASPS)

Black Widow: Thor!

Is Thor okay?

Yeah! Our mission was to visit our old friend at a movie studio. Fist bump.

I did not expect to battle mysterious robots.

Look at this.

"Property of Marvelous Studios."

Okay, that's weird. What are the odds?

Let's go talk to our friend.

He might have some answers.

Thor: Fakery!

A building in front of our eyes, yet it is all artificial. Ha!

Hawkeye: Excuse me.

Um, excuse me?

Yeah, the consultant on your movie. We're looking for him.

Ant-Man: You're not looking hard enough, Clint!

Ant-Man! 'Tis good to see you again, friend.

Well, look at you.

Going from the hero biz to the movie biz.

There's the traitor.

How's life post-Avengers?

This new gig has been the best.

Back home in California, getting time to solo adventure, stomp bad guys.

Oh, and you have got to see what I've been consulting on.

(BEEPS)

Narrator: (ON TV) In a world of evil, these heroes are the mightiest. Iron Guy. Colonel America. Viking King. The Bulk.

(SHOUTS)

Eye Hawk. Dark Spider. Every team needs a great leader. This team has the Human Ant. Will it be enough against the alien robot army and the evil Lava Men?

So, it is a movie about imitation Avengers with you as the leader?

I know, I know. But they can't all be Shakespeare, right?

This was on the robots that attacked the freeway earlier.

Do you recognize it?

This came from one of our robots.

But they're robot props. They're not designed to be real.

Well, those props were on the freeway shooting laser beams at innocent bystanders.

(LOUD THUD)

Move!

(YELLS) (YELLS)

(GRUNTS)

(CHUCKLES) I was gonna make fun of your cushy Hollywood job, but it looks like you face more danger than we do.

Huh?

(GRUNTS)

That was brilliant.

You're... You're the real Thor!

I'm Tad McDodd.

I'm you in the Revengers movie.

You pretend to be me, yet you appear a little short.

Well, uh, being too tall would look bad on camera. Everybody knows that.

Yeah! Uh, that's good to know.

I'll wear lifts. I... I have to know what I can do to be like you.

I'm a method actor.

I, I need to follow you and study you.

Do you pose in the mirror to nail down the way you carry yourself?

Come on. You can admit it. You do, right?

I am the Prince of Asgard.

I do not pose in the mirror.

Right. It's gonna take heavy equipment to get this out of here.

We're ruined.

Ruined?

You do not need heavy equipment. You need the mighty Thor.

Yeah, but we still have no main light rigging, and without the light rigging, we can't finish our movie!

Oh, I bet Thor can fetch a new one!

He's Thor! He can do anything!

(LAUGHS) Thor, Prince of Asgard, lifter of heavy objects, and rescuer of cheesy movie productions.

Hey! If you want to help them, go.

We'll call you as soon as we have a lead.

I do not know about this.

Please, Thor, this is gonna be my starring role.

If, if you won't do it for me, do it for the children.

Children? What children?

You know, many people have worked for hours, months, years to put this thing together.

With the cinematography and the lighting and the crowd-sourcing...

Very well.

If it will not take long, I will assist you in this errand.

What are we waiting for? Let's go!

Agreeing to this may have been a mistake.

(SHRIEKS)

Traces of explosive residue.

Let me check it out.

(GRUNTS)

It's good to have him on our side again.

We should see if he's ready to come back to the Avengers.

We're not asking Ant-Man back.

He became an integral part of the team, then quit to do his own thing, never looked back.

He made his choice.

Ant-Man: You were right, Black Widow.

Never would've seen it if I didn't look closer.

It's some kind of antenna for a detonator.

I might be able to track the source of the destruct signal.

(BEEPING)

Whoa! That's just 50 meters from here!

Another one of the robots.

It's just a movie prop. It's not supposed to...

(ELECTRIC WHIRRING)

(GROANS) (GRUNTS)

It's not supposed to be dangerous, so why is it dangerous?

Nice.

Man: Yes.

Very nice.

A nice group of friends, all super and helping each other, just like in our movie.

Uh-huh. Elihas Starr.

He was our special effects guy and prop master on the movie, but he got let go for his bad attitude.

Geniuses always get labeled bad attitudes.

My work was brilliant, but you still had me fired.

You mistreated everyone you worked with, and your props were dangerous.

Liar!

I can hear all of you whispering, laughing. "Egghead."

Everyone calling me Egghead behind my back.

If it was behind your back, how do you know?

I know!

And I know that the best way to ruin Ant-Man and all of the jerks on the Revengers movie is to wipe them out.

(GROWLING)

Egghead: I always hated those cheesy rubber-suit Lava Men.

My version is decidedly more...

Deadly.

Ant-Man: Special effects, incoming.

These Lava Men are way scarier than the rubber suits.

Egghead: I don't believe in computer-generated effects, only real fire!

Hot!

Try and get me, lava losers!

I can't get a call through to Thor.

Egghead: My signal jammers.

Too bad Thor's not here.

He might actually pose a challenge to my robotic Lava Men.

(GROWLING)

Friday: Hawkeye. Hawkeye. Friday calling Hawkeye.

Not now, Friday!

Understood. So, is there a better time in the future for me to share tactical information with you?

I know you mean well, but I do not want you yelling in my ear all the time.

(GROWLING)

Friday: I don't mean to yell. Would it help if I turned down the volume?

Yeah. It might.

(GRUNTS)

Fire torpedoes.

(GRUNTS)

(STEAM HISSING) (GROANING)

(GROANS) Okay, that hurts.

(YELLS)

Since I was betrayed by Ant-Man and the film crew, my eyes have been opened.

We all know a little something about betrayal. Right, "Human Ant"?

Huh?

Duck!

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

Uh-oh. Big problem, small solution.

(GROWLING)

(GROANS)

(PANTS)

Nice.

Check my moves.

Are you done showing off?

Natasha, did I do something to tick you off?

Great move back there. At least you haven't forgotten what you learned as an Avenger.

(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

There he goes. Come on.

It's over, Egghead.

It's been fun, but I've had to go elsewhere to prepare the third act. You know, your big finish...

Get down!

Finish... Finish...

Your directions have taken us nowhere near our destination.

We are lost.

Zounds, odds bodkins, and so on and so forth!

You two lost?

Perhaps one of you can direct me back to the place mortals call, "North Hollywood"?

So be good commoners and start talking, or else my buddy Thor here will rip you guys to shreds.

Hey, brother, you just call us "commoners"?

Yeah, we did... Commoners!

Wait. Do not listen to that man. He is an actor.

Actors. They've seen too many movies.

Come on, guys. Let's get outta here.

(GASPS)

Oh! (STAMMERING)

(GRUMBLING) So, Thor, uh, when you're in your loneliest, darkest place, is your salad kale, romaine, or quinoa?

(GRUNTING)

(CHUCKLES)

I will never understand humans.

You're not mad at me, right? We're cool?

You quit on us.

I didn't quit, Natasha.

I wanted to go home. Tony understood.

He helped set me up with this great opportunity.

So great you kept it quiet, told us you had our back, then when the time was right, you ditched us.

Look, I loved being an Avenger, but the Avengers are about saving the entire world.

I needed to carve out my place in it before worrying about the whole planet.

I thought we were a team.

Friday's got us a lead on Egghead.

(GRUNTING)

Once again, my apologies for the misunderstanding.

Thank you for the directions, but we must make haste.

(IMITATING THOR) My apologies for the misunderstanding.

Make haste!

Tad McDodd, when we first met, I thought you might be a villain, masquerading as an actor in order to get close and catch me unaware.

But now I see the truth. You are a villain.

An annoying one.

(NORMAL VOICE) I'm trying to understand you, man.

To watch you move, to hear you speak, see your home, where you come from.

Where I come from is Asgard, but my home is Avengers...

Yes, educate me. Show me Asgard.

You want an education? You will get one.

Heimdall, open the portal!

Huh? Uh, uh, maybe not so fast!

Hawkeye: Turns out Friday's useful after all.

Egghead has a bunch of fake addresses, but this is where the studio sends his checks.

Hold on. Maybe we can do the entering without the breaking.

I think we found Egghead.

I think he found us.

I worked so hard on effects and props, but since getting fired, I've been thinking of getting into costume design.

What do you think of my suit?

Uh, is it supposed to look like a giant egg?

(CROWING)

(POWERING UP)

Egghead: I've got a whole new line that's just to die for.

Black Widow: Scatter!

Scatter? More like scramble!

You can't hide from me.

Ouch! You've already failed.

I've activated a launch sequence that will send my battle suits all across Hollywood. And I assure you, they're quite destructive.

Come on! That looks like a giant...

Is anyone else seeing this? It's not just me, right?

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

Keep Egghead busy. I'm putting a stop to this launch.

(WHIRRING)

Too late. It's launching.

(MECHANICAL CLUCKING)

I wasn't fast enough.

(GRUNTS)

Come on, Ant-Man. This isn't over yet.

(CROWING)

No need to waste time and energy on you.

My automated robot suits will flatten the city.

But the movie studio belongs to me!

So, who's got an idea?

Those other six suits didn't have pilots.

That's the weak point!

If we stop Egghead's suit, we stop all the suits.

Hawkeye: Friday, you got a track on the other half dozen?

Friday: I estimate they will reach their destinations in four minutes.

Then we better make this fast.

Barely slowing him down.

Then my car will have to speed him up. And I just had it washed.

(GRUNTS)

(YELLS)

You may manage to annoy me, but you'll never stop me!

(GROWLING)

I need more smoke!

(GRUNTING)

(BLACK WIDOW GRUNTING)

Huh?

(SCREAMING) (WHIMPERING)

That's too much smoke!

(BOTH GRUNT)

Director.

Egghead... I mean, Elihas.

If you'd called me by my name from the beginning, all of this could've been avoided.

But you've called me Egghead for the last time!

(GASPS)

Friday: Less than ten seconds until the six battle suits reach their destinations.

We're almost out of time.

(WHIMPERING)

(YELLING)

(YELLS)

Ant-Man: (CHUCKLES) Side by side with my friends. I've really missed this.

Once an Avenger, always an Avenger.

Friday: Hawkeye, it's too late. The battle suits are landing.

Oh, wow!

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

Woman: Look at that!

Wow! That's so cool!

Man: So cool!

(WHIRRING)

(PEOPLE GASP)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIM, SCREAM)

(GRUNTS)

Huh?

We can still stop this.

Where are you?

Natasha, remember that time the Avengers broke into that Chitauri warship?

Yeah. And it didn't work.

So it's bound to work this time.

Give me a three count. Hawkeye, make us a path.

One, two...

Three!

(GRUNTS)

The saying goes, if you wanna make an omelet...

(GROANS)

You gotta break some eggs.

(CLUCKS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

We got all of that on film.

(LAUGHS)

All of it!

Oh, now I just have to hope that audiences are willing to see a movie about superheroes.

(PORTAL OPENING)

So, Tad McDodd, what did you think of Asgard?

I've seen things...

Things I can't un-see.

I... I can't play Thor.

I don't think I'll ever be able to act again.

(SOBS) I quit!

(SOBBING)

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Thanks for your help, Friday.

Friday: Thanks are not necessary. I'm only doing my job.

You deserve thanks. You're an Avenger too.

I miss this. Maybe I shouldn't have left.

You didn't leave. You had to find your place.

What you said about me quitting the Avengers?

I was wrong.

When you're ready, the Avengers will be waiting.

That actor had promised me a tour of Hollywood.

Though I could not trust his sense of direction, nor trust anything else about him, for that matter.

You don't need him.

Come on. I'll give you guys the VIP Hollywood grand tour.

What? Such fakery!