Hot Tub Time Machine

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE

Written by

Josh Heald

Hot Tub Time Machine Theme Lyrics by Josh Heald Music by Def Leppard, Styx, Journey, Poison, or Whitesnake

Water cranked to a hundred and three Got my tunes, my snacks, my booze, my skis (Got the) freshest moves you ever seen When I'm soakin in my Hot Tub Time Machine When you're going back to the 80s...         And you might be fuckin some ladies... You bring your button fly jeans and some sweet hair gel Want blow? All you gotta do is yell (Yeah you're) lookin real smooth, (and you're) lookin real mean When you're soakin in your Hot Tub Time Machine Yeah! Hot Tub - Time Machine! Hot Tub - Time Machine! C'mon! (Sweet guitar solo - 16 measures]          Relaxed as hell when you're goin through time          That's the 54 jets workin' on your spine           (Yeah) you gotta be loose and you gotta be lean          When you roll up in your Hot Tub Time Machine          Yeah your shirt's a little psychedelic...          And you're lookin kinda like Tom Selleck...          Yeah the chicks are wetter than the Everglades          But double bag your dude, don't wanna get AIDS          Just listen right up, consider me your dean          In the college of the Hot Tub Time Machine          Yeah!          Hot Tub - Time Machine!          Hot Tub - Time Machine!          Yeah!

FADE IN:

EXT. POOL DECK - DAY

BLUE SKIES. A BEAUTIFUL SUNNY DAY. CAMERA PANS DOWN to reveal A HOT TUB FULL OF HOT CHICKS IN         BIKINIS. They splash about playfully. Then--

A FUCKING LION JUMPS IN THE HOT TUB! As the girls SCREAM and scramble for safety, the BEAST ROARS and it becomes the:

MGM LOGO

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

ADAM COLEMAN (late 30s, good-looking, sweet-natured face) is         in a great mood as he packs a SUITCASE.

LILY (O.S.) Ready for the wildest bachelor party of all time? LILY (early 30s, shirt and jeans, hot in a smart and classy         sense) walks in the room, smiling.

ADAM You know it. I'm gonna bang all sorts of chicks this weekend!

LILY That's not the answer I was looking for.

ADAM Sorry, honey. Adam gives his beautiful fiancee a playful kiss. She shows him some PHOTOS.

LILY Look what I found...

2.

ANGLE: PHOTO A BUNCH OF TEENAGERS and 20-SOMETHINGS PARTY IN A LARGE HOT TUB at a SKI RESORT. It looks like the most fun ever.

ADAM Check out that young stud. Can you believe he's about to get married? Lily and Adam look through more PHOTOS of a YOUNG ADAM (17) partying at a SKI RESORT with his FRIENDS: -- In full 80s SKI GEAR on a mountain...         -- Eating PIZZA at "Papa Enzo's," stuffing their faces...          -- Drinking BEERS at the "Brew Haus," an awesome pub...          -- In the HOT TUB with SIX GIRLS...          Adam snatches the last photo from her.

ADAM (CONT'D)         Ignore that one. Nothing happened.

(BEAT) I love you. Lily laughs.

LILY Adam, you didn't know me yet. As Adam goes back to packing, Lily leafs through some more of         the photos. She stops at one and her EXPRESSION CHANGES.

LILY (CONT'D)         Who's this? Lily shows Adam a PHOTO: -- A SMOKING HOT SKI BUNNY (23, blonde, svelte, leg warmers).

ADAM I'm not sure.

LILY Really? Lily shows Adam another PHOTO: -- YOUNG ADAM with his arm around the SKI BUNNY, who looks like she was ambushed for the photo.

3.

ADAM Oh! Jennie.

LILY Who's Jennie?

ADAM She's nobody. Ski instructor. (off her look) You didn't know me yet. Lily still looks at him a little hard.

ADAM (CONT'D)         Lily, I was 17. She had boobs and a face. Of course I'm gonna take her picture. Lily still looks a little bothered.

LILY Do you still think of her?

ADAM Of course not! I think of you. As Adam goes to EMBRACE her:

LILY Hold on...         Lily goes into the CLOSET.

ADAM Sweetie? She comes out a moment later with a CARDBOARD BOX, which she empties onto the BED. About FIFTY PORNO MAGAZINES spill out, ranging from TITS MONTHLY to BLACK ASS.

ADAM (CONT'D)         How did you know where I hid my...          treasure? Lily carefully picks up a BROCHURE from the pile, holding it         by the corner, not wanting to touch it.

LILY Explain this. From ADAM'S POV, we see the brochure: -- A ski brochure featuring Jennie on the cover.

4.

ADAM OK! You caught me! I         occasionally... reminisce... about Jennie O'Keefe!

LILY That's gross.

(THEN) What's "occasionally?"

ADAM (without missing a beat) About two hours ago when you were on the phone with your mother.

LILY Jesus. Tell me how I'm supposed to         let you go to your bachelor party and not be a basket case?

ADAM What are you so worried about?

LILY I'm worried that you're still thinking about this girl.

ADAM Baby, the girl in that picture was nothing more than a crush. I could never get her and there's no         possibility I'll ever be with her. She was a total stranger. Lily gets a CURIOUS LOOK on her face.

LILY So... you're into strangers?

ADAM Well not the creepy "your mom was         in an accident, now come with me" kind. But yeah, the hot lady in         the supermarket kind of stranger. You have to admit - it's kinda hot.

LILY So you're saying if you and I         didn't know each other, it would be          pretty hot if we fooled around?

ADAM You kidding me? It would be         fucking incredible.

5.         Lily smiles seductively, as Adam starts to get it.

ADAM (CONT'D)         Wait a minute. Are you suggesting... yes. YES! Adam excitedly heads for the door.

ADAM (CONT'D)         OK, I'll go down the hall. You get into character. (points at her) This fucking rules. Adam leaves the room and Lily REMOVES HER SHIRT, talking sexy and slowly building the fantasy...

LILY Oh I'm all alone in this big house. Cheerleading camp just ended and I         need to get out of these sweaty clothes...

ADAM (O.S.) Love where you're going with this, baby! Keep it up! She unbuttons her pants and SLIDES DOWN HER JEANS.

LILY Mmmm. My panties are so tight against my firm naked body...

ADAM (O.S.) You should probably take them off!

LILY Are you gonna let me do this?

ADAM (O.S.) Sorry! Continue! You were just about to take off your panties! She slowly slides out of her panties, kicking them away. Now she's TOTALLY NAKED. She continues to role play.

LILY It feels so good to be so naked. I         hope no one can see me... Just then a BLACK MAN (late 30s, handsome, J Crew) saunters through the bedroom door, holding a coffee and all riled up.

6.

BLACK MAN OK, so this asshole in front of me         at the donut place is -- WHOA! Lily covers up and SCREAMS.

LILY Get out of here!! He SPILLS the coffee on his hands and their rug as he turns.

BLACK MAN Fuck! Ow! I'm sorry. I'll clean it up. That's gonna stain, though.

LILY Just leave! He heads for the door, just as: Adam comes in, wearing a MAILMAN hat and NOTHING ELSE.

ADAM Special delivery for -- Jesus Christ! The black man doesn't know which way to look. He covers his eyes and drips coffee, as he blindly steps toward the door.

BLACK MAN

(NOT LOOKING) Just tell me when I'm in the clear.

CUT TO:

EXT. ADAM'S HOUSE - DAY

Adam wheels his suitcase down the front path of this modest, well-kept suburban home, as a recovered, dressed, embarrassed and somewhat shell-shocked Lily follows with a small bag. They both stop 10 yards short of a RANGE ROVER, where the black man, NICK, waits in the car, waving.

LILY I can't wait for you to come back and marry me. Wow, that's crazy. Adam looks almost like it just hit him.

7.

ADAM Yeah.

(REALIZATION) Wow.

LILY Tell me again I have nothing to         worry about.

ADAM Babe, look at Nick...         In the car, Nick air drums to whatever's on the radio.

ADAM (CONT'D)         You think with him in charge, we're          gonna get into any kind of trouble? We'll probably eat too much pizza and I'll twist my ankle getting off the ski lift.

LILY OK. Have an awesome bachelor party. Not too awesome. (hands him bag) I got you something. Adam looks in the bag.

ADAM Sandwich. Thanks. He puts it in his BACKPACK. She looks like she was expecting a different reaction, but she lets it go. He kisses her.

LILY Let me see your phone. He takes it out.

ADAM I told you, I'll call you when-- She snatches it out of his hands. Adam looks confused, as         she pockets the phone.

LILY Despite my anxiety, I'm not gonna be one of those women who wants an         update every ten minutes. Even though I do want an update every ten minutes. Adam smiles. Lily looks a bit trepidatious.

8.

LILY (CONT'D)         Just make sure whatever happens, you're back for the rehearsal dinner.

(SHOWING CONCERN) I totally trust you.

ADAM You should. I'm a lame-o.

LILY Well at least you're a cute lame-o. Lily leans in and they NUZZLE their noses together in a         disgusting display of affection. A FLASH goes off. From the car, Nick holds up his iPhone.

NICK I'm more than willing to forget about earlier, but this shit's         going on Facebook.

INT. NICK'S CAR - DAY - DRIVING

Nick drives through SUBURBIA, while Adam rides shotgun.

NICK I have no idea what Facebook is. My phone has a button that says Send To Facebook. I've been sending shit there for months. Adam looks out the window, smiling.

ADAM I'm so psyched about this weekend!

NICK Ditto, buddy. I'm gonna help you make up for all the good times you missed when you were being a         responsible member of society.

ADAM You're a good friend. I'm sorry for putting my career and self sufficiency above bowling night.

NICK This trip represents everything awesome about being a dude.

(MORE)

9.

NICK (CONT'D)         We're gonna drink too much, eat whatever we want...

(FANTASIZING) I might not even change my socks.

ADAM Live the dream.

NICK Best of all, we don't have to         answer to anyone. Nick's PHONE rings and he answers it with his built-in BLUETOOTH. His phone voice is a little more "sensitive."

NICK (ON PHONE) (CONT'D)         Hi honey.

COURTNEY (V.0.) Three goddamn bags of pretzels?

NICK (ON PHONE) (trying to save face) I'm with Adam, honey.

COURTNEY (V.0.) Hi Adam. (a little calmer) Nick, what have I told you about buying snacks that aren't on sale?

NICK (ON PHONE) You said not to do it.

COURTNEY (V.0.) And what did you do?

NICK (ON PHONE) I bought three bags of pretzels. But I'm gonna eat them...

COURTNEY (V.0.) That's not the point.

(ADMONISHING) Don't do it again. Nick and Adam exchange an embarrassing glance.

NICK (ON PHONE)

OK.

COURTNEY (V.0.) Call me from the road. Adam, say hi to Lily.

10.

ADAM (ON PHONE) OK, I sure wi-- CLICK. For a moment, there is an uncomfortable silence.

ADAM (CONT'D)         Don't her parents own the supermarket?

NICK The whole damn chain.

(THEN) Just be thankful Lily doesn't have any family money. Nothing makes your dick softer.

EXT. MOTEL -- DAY

Nick's car pulls into the lot of a rundown motel.

INT./EXT. NICK'S CAR - DAY

Adam looks confused and slightly nervous.

ADAM This looks like a place where people die. Mostly from murder. A BALD, miserable-looking GUY in his late 30s (LOU) exits a         room, carrying TWO SHOPPING BAGS. He gets in the back seat. Adam looks happy to see him.

ADAM (CONT'D)         Lou!

LOU Yes, I'm living in a transient motel. Let's get that purple elephant out of the room.

ADAM Dude, it looks nice.

LOU Thank you. I hate your guts.

ADAM (re: the bags) What'd you bring?

11.

LOU All my belongings.

NICK So you're sorta like a bum now, huh?

LOU In a sense.

INT. NICK'S CAR - DAY - DRIVING

Lou sits in the backseat, voraciously eating a bowl of         cereal, as the other guys are up front.

LOU Our system is fucked, gentlemen. You tell me how a whore wife can fuck some black dude - no offense - and still take her cuckold of a         husband for all he's got.

NICK Why would I take offense to that?

LOU It's offensive.

NICK Because he's black?

LOU And because he's fucking my wife. And because you're black. And because of all the oversensitive horrible garbage... you know what? Forget no offense. Just offense. Are you offended?

NICK Not really.

LOU Then shut the fuck up.

ADAM She's got a hell of an attorney.

LOU Yes and thank you so very much for giving her the referral.

12.

ADAM She told me it was for a friend.

NICK So... what? Your wife likes black dick now?

LOU I'm gonna slaughter you in your sleep tonight.

ADAM (turns to Lou, genuine) Thanks for coming, man.

EXT. UPSCALE APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Nick's car pulls up across from a nice apartment building, as         a well-dressed, well-groomed, overly polished-looking YOUNG GUY in his 20s (JACOB) comes out, carrying a MESSENGER BAG.

INT. NICK'S CAR -- SAME TIME

The guys watch Jacob carefully cross the street.

LOU Oh, Adam's stupid brother's coming? Boo! Drive away before he gets in         the car!

ADAM Be nice. I know Jacob's kind of a         douche, but I'm trying to be closer to him since Mom died. Jacob gets in the back next to Lou.

LOU

(VERY INSINCERE) Hey buddy! How's it going? Good to see you!

JACOB You look dirty and you smell bad.

LOU You look gay and you smell like a         basket of fancy soaps. Advantage me.

JACOB How is that to your advantage?

13.

ADAM He's not gay. He's just... what are you again?

JACOB Metrosexual.

LOU You have sex with trains?

JACOB For your information, I fuck chicks. Hot ones.

LOU For your information, you fuck dudes. Gay ones.

JACOB Yeah, well at least I'm young and my life's full of potential. I         hear you're homeless now?

LOU (to Nick and Adam) You told him?!

(GRIMACES) I hate all you people.

ADAM Will you two please shake hands and make up? We're gonna be spending a         lot of time together. Jacob distractedly TEXTS on his phone.

JACOB Yeah, about that. Why aren't we         going to Aspen? Vermont's lame.

ADAM It's gonna be fun.

JACOB Yeah, whatever. And with that, the guys travel in silence for a few moments, the lifeblood drained from the car. Finally...

LOU I've gotta take a shit.

14.

INT. BURGER KING REST STOP - DAY

Lou walks from the bathroom back to the TABLE where Adam, Nick, and Jacob sit and eat.

LOU That was an ugly experience.

NICK I don't wanna hear about it.

LOU In a few years, when I'm dying of         an exotic disease that causes my          penis to bleed until it falls off, someone remember to tell the hospital to check out the filthy crapper at the Albany Rest Stop. It's the AIDS monkey of toilets. The guys put down their sandwiches.

ADAM Thank you.

LOU I don't know how you're doing it, man. I mean, Laurie's hot, don't         get me wrong.

ADAM

(CORRECTING) Lily.

LOU Right. Lily. But one vagina? Forever?

ADAM That's the sacrifice. Jacob nods, agreeing with Lou's concern.

JACOB And you're OK with that? I don't         know your sexual history, but you sure you got it out of your system?

ADAM I did OK for myself.

LOU He didn't do that well for himself.

15.

NICK Yeah, isn't Lily your fourth?

ADAM Fifth. Thank you.

JACOB So you're averaging like one girl every eight years.

ADAM Assuming I got laid when I was zero.

LOU That would be awesome. Adam gives Lou a distasteful look.

ADAM I'm fine. Maybe some cold feet, but that's normal. Thank you everyone for your concern.

JACOB Just looking out for you. That's         what brothers do, right? They look out for each other?

ADAM (takes a moment) Is this about something else?

JACOB Forget it.

ADAM No, let's do this. I'm sorry I         wasn't around when you were growing up, OK? I was in college. And then I was working. Dad left. Someone had to take responsibility.

LOU Boooooring!

ADAM

(TO LOU) Shut up.

JACOB I said forget it.

16.

NICK Guys, come on. Let's move past it. This is gonna be a fun weekend.

JACOB I still say Vermont sucks.

LOU You're confusing Vermont with yourself. This weekend is going to         be incredible and you will not ruin it for me.

ADAM (softens, to Jacob) You might like it. Havenhurst is         pretty awesome. Jacob shrugs, but Lou gets excited.

LOU Fuck yeah it is! We're gonna ski the trail and bone some tail!

ADAM

(LAUGHS) You'll have to bone some of that tail for me, man.

LOU Fuck that. You'll bone your own.

ADAM No I won't.

LOU Adam, trust me. Biggest mistake of         my life - not fucking a whore at my          bachelor party.

NICK That's the biggest mistake of your life?

LOU Fuck yeah. And he's not making that same mistake.

ADAM Uh... I'm not having sex with anyone this weekend. Lou looks at Adam, trying to figure things out.

17.

LOU Ohhhh. I gotcha.

(WINKING) You're not having sex this weekend.

ADAM I'm not having sex this weekend. Without the winking.

LOU

(WINKING) Right. No winking.

(WINKS AGAIN) I understand.

ADAM I'm pretty sure you don't.

INT./EXT. NICK'S CAR - DAY - DRIVING

Nick's car transitions from the HIGHWAY to the MOUNTAINS to         the WOODS, as we track the drive. Finally, the car passes a "Welcome to Havenhurst" sign.

NICK Gentlemen... welcome to Havenhurst.

ADAM Yes!

EXT. HAVENHURST MAIN DRAG - AFTERNOON

The car winds through the main thoroughfare. Rather than a         quaint ski town, this place resembles a suburban nightmare, with STRIP MALLS and CHAIN RESTAURANTS. It's the exact opposite of the fun town we saw in Adam's photos.

INT./EXT. NICK'S CAR - AFTERNOON - DRIVING

The guys look out the windows, wearing bummed expressions.

JACOB so this is the coolest town ever?

ADAM Oh man. The Brew Haus is a PF         Chang's.          Lou notices a TGI Friday's, with a sign advertising a "Hannah          Montana 3-D Experience!" He looks utterly disgusted.

18.

LOU I don't even have the heart to tell you what I just fucking saw. But say goodbye to Papa Enzo's. This town sucks.

NICK What the fuck is going on? The car climbs a twisty part of the road.

NICK (CONT'D)         Please god let it still be there...

JACOB What?

ADAM Pink Paradise. Best strip club ever. The car rounds the corner and a SIGN comes into view. The beginning reads "Pink."

NICK Yes! It lives! The car continues to climb and the whole sign comes into view: "Pinkberry."

LOU I wanna die.

JACOB

(OBLIVIOUS) Sweet, there's a Pinkberry here.

EXT. PINE VALLEY INN - AFTERNOON

The car pulls into the parking lot of this RUNDOWN lodge.

INT. PINE VALLEY INN / LOBBY - AFTERNOON

The guys walk in and the first thing they notice is a bunch of CATS that wander anywhere they want. The large "living room" area off the lobby features a FIRE PLACE that has been BRICKED SHUT. TODDLERS and ELDERLY PEOPLE lounge and cry and nap.

19.

LOU

(TO NICK) What have you done to us?

ADAM I'm not playing drinking games with my grandma.

NICK OK so the place skews a little older. Let's check in. We're not spending our time inside anyway.

INT. PINE VALLEY INN / HALLWAY - MINUTES LATER

The guys walk silently behind a MIDDLE-AGED BELLHOP (PHIL), who struggles to wrangle their bags on a shaky hand truck. His job is made more difficult because he only has ONE ARM. He grunts and curses his way down the hall on the slow and laborious journey. But when Adam tries to pick up a bag...

PHIL

(CURT) Hey buddy. I'm not gonna tell you again. I fuckin' got it. Adam backs off.

LOU This guy's a dick.

NICK

SHH--

LOU No, fuck that.

(LOUDER) He's a dick. Oooh tough guy. He's         gotta be Mister America.

JACOB Captain America.

LOU Go fuck yourself. Phil finally drops their bags at their room and then:

PHIL I'm ready to be tipped.

20.

LOU

(SELF UNAWARE) You, sir, have no tact. Nick gives Phil a bill and he walks off down the hall, leaving the guys outside their room.

NICK Gentlemen... in this room lies the beginning of our awesome weekend.

JACOB Or a continuation of everything that's sucked so far.

LOU Yeah, I bet it's gonna be lame as         shit in there. The furniture probably smells like mold.

JACOB I say we go to Foxwoods.

LOU I actually kinda like that idea.

ADAM Guys! Everyone looks at Adam.

ADAM (CONT'D)         Let's give it a chance. We don't         know for sure that the room sucks. Nick nods, appreciating the optimism. He opens the door:

INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - AFTERNOON

The room SUCKS. The ancient furniture looks like it smells like mold and there is nothing redeemable about the place.

ADAM

(SHRUGS) OK, so now we know. The guys drag their bags in and depressingly take stock of         the situation -- presently the dirty old room.

JACOB What the hell is with this place?

21.

LOU It's like a Stephen King novel, except not as cool.

NICK We'll feel a lot better once we hit the slopes.

(SMILES) Plus, I know there's one thing to         look forward to.

EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - AFTERNOON

On a patio outside their suite, our guys stare at a KICK-ASS TOP OF THE LINE HOT TUB. Spacious seating, plenty of jets, underwater lighting. It's amazing. Adam, Nick, and Lou look energized.

LOU Thank. God.

ADAM At least some things never change.

JACOB What's the big deal about a hot tub?

ADAM Shame on you.

NICK There's plenty of time for tubbin'. Let's ski.

EXT. MOUNTAIN - AFTERNOON

At the top of the mountain, Adam, Nick, and Lou look ridiculous in TIGHT, RETRO-STYLE NEON SKI JUMPSUITS. Jacob, on a snowboard, is the only one dressed in current attire.

JACOB (re: their outfits) When's the last time you guys actually went skiing?

ADAM It's been a few years.

NICK I think we look good.

22.

JACOB Then you're an idiot.

NICK All right, we race down the mountain. Loser buys first round. Premium shit only.

JACOB You gonna be all right?

NICK What does that mean?

JACOB I dunno - do black dudes ski?

NICK Of course black dudes ski. Aren't         I wearing skis?

JACOB I'm just not sure you're         representative.

NICK You're calling me an Uncle Tom?

JACOB I don't even know what that means.

NICK It means black dudes ski. (pulls down goggles) Catch ya at the bottom. Nick takes off and... gets about 15 FEET, before he hits a         GRASSY PATCH and falls over.

LOU Black dudes don't ski.

ADAM

(MOCK YELLING) How's the bottom?

CUT TO:

ADAM HITS A BAD PATCH AND FALLS DOWN.

CUT TO:

23.

JACOB AND LOU COLLIDE, BOTH TRYING TO AVOID A BARE PATCH.

CUT TO:

NICK PICKS UP SPEED, BEFORE HITTING A BARE PATCH AND FALLING.

A LITTLE OLD LADY SLOWLY SKIS PAST HIM, KICKING UP POWDER.

EXT. HAVENHURST MAIN DRAG - NIGHT

Nick wears his "going out clothes" and walks along the main drag talking into his PHONE. It is clear that he is being CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTED on the other end of the conversation.

NICK (ON PHONE) No, the black ones... without the pleats... Because the pleats make me look fat... No, I put it on the Amex... Because I'm the best man...         I know, but I'm organizing... I'm         gonna get cash fr-- I'm gonna get-- I'm gonna collect cash from the guys... Yes... Yes... Yes.

(LONG PAUSE) I love you too. Nick hangs up and we see that Adam, Lou, and Jacob have been walking with him, listening to his end of the conversation.

ADAM

(SYMPATHETIC) Dude...

NICK

(CLAPS HANDS) OK, who's ready to sink their teeth into a delicious dinner?

INT. P.F. CHANG'S - NIGHT

Our four guys looks MISERABLE, as they sit around a table at          this popular Chinese food chain restaurant. Their overzealous WAITER (AIDEN) makes a big production of MIXING SAUCES, like he's Emeril.

AIDEN You fellas look like you can handle some spice. I'm gonna knock it up         a bit... throw some chili sauce in         there... oh yeah, there it is. This is gonna knock your socks off.

24.         Nick's expression looks like he wants to kill the guy.

NICK Thank you. The waiter walks away and Nick RAISES HIS GLASS in a toast.

NICK (CONT'D)         I'd like to propose a toast. To my         best friend, Adam. He may be         throwing his life away, but at          least he's throwing it away with a          hot chick at his side. The guys LAUGH and clink glasses.

NICK (CONT'D)         And so what if you only have one vagina for the rest of your life. Speaking as someone who's seen your wife's vagina -- it's definitely one of the good ones. Lou and Jacob look confused, but clink glasses anyway, as         Adam mouths "What the fuck" to Nick. Jacob raises his glass.

JACOB To my brother, I say thank you for including me. I promise to try to         make the most of it. The guys look confused at the backhanded graciousness.

ADAM Thanks for coming, man. It means a         lot to me. Jacob nods halfheartedly.

NICK To Adam!

GUYS To Adam! The guys hug and clink glasses and excitedly CHATTER. Just then, a MANAGER appears at the table and CLEARS HIS THROAT.

MANAGER Gentlemen. You're going to have to         keep it down.

25

NICK Come on, man. It's our friend's         bachelor party. We're just trying to roast him a little bit.

MANAGER Well if you like roasts, I suggest the roast peking duck. It's out of         this world and as I'm sure Aiden has told you, he can make it quite spicy. The guys look bothered.

MANAGER (CONT'D)         But as for the noisy kind of roast, that's going to have to stop. We         have many other guests trying to          enjoy the P.F. Chang's experience. The manager walks away. For a moment, the guys are quiet. Lou takes a bite of his food, chewing slowly.

LOU This kung pau chicken pairs very nicely with the 97 cab. Very impressive choice, Nick.

NICK Thank you.

LOU Also, this is the worst bachelor party I've ever been to. Everyone puts down their forks, cathartically fed up.

JACOB Totally agree.

ADAM Nick, look. You had great intentions. No one's blaming you.

LOU I'm blaming him.

JACOB I'm totally blaming him. I didn't         even want to go skiing.

26.

NICK OK I'll admit this trip is not off to the best start. But we're due for a victory! Nick thinks and actually gets an idea. He SNAPS his fingers.

NICK (CONT'D)         Hot tub! A lightbulb goes off for Adam too.

ADAM Yes! Lou gets up and throws down his napkin.

LOU Why did we even bother with dinner? Adam and Nick get up too.

JACOB Guys, I'm still hungry.

LOU Quiet, men are talking. Aiden approaches.

AIDEN Get you guys some to-go boxes?

LOU I would like you to die. And then I would like you to leave. Aiden walks away, freaked out. Lou turns back to the guys.

LOU (CONT'D)         It's tub time.

EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - NIGHT

Lou, Adam, and Nick all have HUGE SMILES, as they gaze at the tub. They each hold a TON OF BOOZE. Jacob looks indifferent and a little turned off by it all. Lou strips down to his underwear and CLIMBS IN.

LOU Oh my god. The water is perfect.

27.         He POURS A VODKA and SLAMS IT BACK. Adam climbs in with Lou, pouring his own drink.

JACOB I really don't see the appeal. It's like a glorified bath.

NICK Jacob. Son. The hot tub is the whole thing! You ski all day. Then you hit the town, get trashed, and lure some fine ladies back to         the lodge for some good old fashioned tubbin'. Nick CRACKS A BEER and pats Jacob on the back.

NICK (CONT'D)         So the town's dead? Fine, we skip that part and go right to the tub. Trust me. If there's fun to be         had, the tub is a good start. Nick gets in.

NICK (CONT'D)         Yes! It's amazing. Now it's just Jacob outside the hot tub. The other three guys are already starting to look more energized and happy, splashing around. After another beat of consideration...

JACOB Fuck it. Jacob strips down and gets in. As he submerges, he actually starts to loosen up a bit and smiles.

LOU Well?

JACOB I'm not convinced this is anything more than a bath, but it's nice.

NICK Hit him with some bubbles.

ADAM Coming right up. Adam CRANKS A KNOB. As the BUBBLES comes to life, we begin a         TUBBIN' MONTAGE over Reel 2 Real's "I Like to Move It."

28.         -- In the tub, the guys DRINK like fish, pouring various combinations of VODKA, RED BULL, MOUNTAIN DEW, BACARDI, and anything else they can get their hands on. -- Jacob's LAPTOP is propped on the edge of the tub, playing BETTER OFF DEAD. Every so often, one of our guys takes a         drink, playing a game, the rules of which only they know. -- Adam takes a big bite of the SANDWICH Lily gave him. -- Nick uses his iPhone to take video and pictures. More drinking games. The guys wear funny HATS and roll dice on a PIECE OF WOOD. Adam has to drink some tub water. -- The guys keep reaching into ADAM'S BACKPACK for MIXERS. -- Nick, Adam, and Lou LAUGH. Then, Lou lifts up Jacob's         head, which he has been FORCIBLY HOLDING UNDER WATER. Jacob coughs and spits out water and looks pissed. Then he smiles and helps submerge Nick's head in the same way. -- Slam! Another bottle of vodka killed. Crush! Another empty Red Bull his the patio. -- A BEAR eats some DORITOS that have been left on a PICNIC TABLE. Yards away in the tub, the guys laugh and taunt it. -- Lou BLEEDS from where the bear has obviously SCRATCHED HIM across the chest. Still, he dances in the tub. -- Just for an instant (did we see that?), the guys are 3 BLACK GUYS and ONE WHITE GUY, before changing back. -- The guys wear their SNOWSUITS in the tub. Adam very dangerously jumps in, attached to a SNOWBOARD. -- The CUTS get QUICKER and QUICKER, as hands reach into the backpack. More vodka. More Dew. More Red Bull. More Bacardi... The cuts SPEED UP and INTENSIFY until finally in a         BRILLIANT FLASH OF LIGHT, we

EXPLODE TO:

THE SUN RISING JUST ABOVE THE MOUNTAIN PEAKS.

EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - DAWN

As the light of a new day spills into Havenhurst, we find all four of our guys PASSED OUT in the hot tub, the water calm. A KITTEN licks Lou's face. It's adorable. Until...

29.         Lou JOLTS AWAKE and PUKES ON THE KITTEN, sending it FLYING! This wakes up everyone and they stir to life, inspecting the carnage, mostly hangover-related.

NICK Oh my god, I wanna die.

JACOB I need a vitamin water. Adam reaches in his backpack, taking out two choices.

ADAM Red Bull or Fresca? Jacob takes the Fresca, as Lou inspects the CLAW MARKS.

LOU That fucking bear got me good.

ADAM Yeah he did.

LOU But we showed him, didn't we?

ADAM If by showing him, you mean we         laughed and he got bored and wandered off into the woods with your sneakers, then yeah, we got him good.

LOU Fuck yeah. Lou picks up Adam's half-eaten sandwich and takes a BITE.

ADAM You just puked.

LOU That's why I'm eating your sandwich. I'm fucking starving.

NICK Guys, look... Their gaze turns to the MOUNTAIN PEAK, on which is a fresh LAYER OF POWDER. It looks like perfect skiing conditions.

ADAM Let's do it!

30.

EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER

As the guys walk across the front of the lodge, they pass some well preserved CARS all parked together: a 1985 Pontiac Fiero, a 1986 VW Golf, and a 1987 Ford Mustang coupe.

JACOB What is this, a shitty car club? The guys COMPLETELY MISS the BILLBOARDS ACROSS THE STREET: -- "Coming soon: the most spaced-out Mel Brooks film yet!

SPACEBALLS!"         -- A surfing MAX HEADROOM with a CAN OF COKE and the tag:          "Catch the Wave!"          -- A bull terrier named SPUDS MCKENZIE parking with some HOT          BABES and a shitload of BUD LIGHT.

EXT. MOUNTAIN - DAY

In QUICK CUTS, the guys hit the slopes: -- In his ridiculous snowsuit, Nick skis down the mountain. With the new snowfall, he expertly glides along. -- Jacob applies some LIP BALM and flies down the mountain on         a SNOWBOARD. People glare at him with confused expressions. -- Adam uses the snowplow method to slowly descend. He's a         beginner skier. He takes the time to look at the surroundings and notices a YOUNGER, HOTTER CROWD skiing today. Lots of BLONDE SKI BUNNIES wearing PASTEL colors.

ADAM Well this place has improved. -- In the lift line, Lou passes a GUY wearing a BIG HEADBAND.

LOU Really, asshole?

INT. GONDOLA - DAY

Adam shares a gondola with Nick, as they make their way up         the mountain. A DUDE IN SUNGLASSES sits across, napping. Adam takes a FLASK out of his backpack. He and Nick look over their shoulders like scheming kids as they take a nip.

31.

ADAM I'm really glad we stayed. It's         gonna be good to get away for a          couple of days.

(QUALIFYING BEAT) I mean not like I want to be away from Lily. You know.

NICK Believe me I know.

ADAM I love her. But you guys are right. I'm gonna be with her for the rest of my life.

NICK

(NODS) For the rest of your goddamn life.

ADAM It gets easier, right? No offense, but watching you talk with Courtney-

NICK You're gonna be fine. You'll         settle in, get the premium cable package - the usual deal. Adam nods.

NICK (CONT'D)         You'll wake up every morning, comforted by the fact that your wife doesn't wield her family's         wealth over your head like a          hangman's noose. Adam looks concerned, as Nick wistfully goes on...

NICK (CONT'D)         You'll breathe the air of life, making the occasional decision - maybe get some lawn furniture. How about steak for dinner? Yes, let's         get that juice machine I saw on TV. Let's fucking go for it. Nick stares off into the distance.

ADAM Nick?

32.

NICK Sorry, I lost myself there.

DUDE IN SUNGLASSES (O.S.) Coke? Adam and Nick look at the guy across from them, who presently offers his SKI GOGGLES, on which is a mountain of COCAINE.

NICK That is a lot of cocaine.

ADAM I feel like we're in Scarface. Only with skiing.

(THINKS) Skiface.

DUDE IN SUNGLASSES

(SNIFFS) Take it. It's good shit.

NICK I'm gonna pass.

ADAM

(DECLINES) Yeah, I'm good. The dude removes his sunglasses. He has a dead look in his eyes, studying Nick and Adam.

DUDE IN SUNGLASSES You guys a couple of spazzes?

ADAM Spazzes?

DUDE IN SUNGLASSES

(VERY ANGRY) Yeah, dipstick. You narcs? You Miami Vice? Which one's Crockett? Which one's CROCKETT?!

ADAM I'm Crockett, obviously!

(TO NICK) That's the Don Johnson one, right? The dude flips out a SWITCHBLADE.

DUDE IN SUNGLASSES You show me you're not spazzes.

33.

NICK We're not spazzes. The dude extends the coke once more.

DUDE IN SUNGLASSES Show me.

EXT. MOUNTAIN / TOP - MOMENTS LATER

At the top of the mountain, Nick looks WIDE AWAKE. Adam, on         the other hand, looks COKED OUT OF HIS SKULL. He sniffs, fidgets, clenches his jaw, and looks generally "up."

NICK Adam, you gotta chill. You just did one line.

ADAM I've never ridden the horse before.

NICK You're not riding the horse. The horse is heroin. Adam can't stop moving and fidgeting.

ADAM I don't know what kind of animal I'm riding, but it's the best animal of all time. I feel great! Adam uses his SKI POLES to push off the top of the mountain and he goes FLYING DOWN THE SLOPE.

NICK Adam! Jesus.

EXT. MOUNTAIN / SKI TRAIL - DAY - CONTINUOUS

Adam TUCKS down, still CLENCHING HIS TEETH. He PICKS UP         SPEED as he flies down the mountain like a racer.

FURTHER UP THE MOUNTAIN Nick has to pull up and slow down in the name of safety.

34.

ON ADAM He zips along, never changing course or slowing. He BARELY MISSES a few TREES. But he can't stop himself before --

HE BARRELS INTO A SMOKING HOT CHICK! The collision knocks Adam and the girl to the ground and finally stops Adam's hyper-speed descent. Adam gets up and shakes the cobwebs.

ADAM What a rush! He notices the girl on the ground and goes to help her up.

ADAM (CONT'D)         Oh wow, are you OK?

SMOKING HOT CHICK No thanks to you, asshole!

IN SLOW MOTION -- The girl stands up in a very hot and awesome manner, SHAKING THE SNOW from her luxurious blonde hair. It twinkles in the sunlight. As she turns to face Adam, NORMAL SPEED RESUMES. And he sees who it is:

ADAM

(MIND BLOWN) Jennie O'Keefe! Jennie squints at Adam, trying to place him.

JENNIE Do I know you? He stares at her, not believing what he's seeing. He still looks loopy from the coke. Just then, a a too-blond, mirror-sunglass-wearing, feathered hair, striped-jumpsuited guy (BLAINE) SKIS UP and GRABS ADAM.

BLAINE I'm gonna serve you a knuckle sandwich, airhead.

(TO JENNIE) You all right, babe?

JENNIE I think so.

35.         Blaine's TOADIES (TAD and CHAZ) ski up behind him, as Blaine ANGRILY RIPS Adam's lift ticket from his jacket.

BLAINE Your lift ticket's been revoked. Blaine throws it on the ground and laughs to his friends.

ADAM (a la Lethal Weapon 2) Diplomatic immunity. Blaine looks confused, as Adam RIPS Blaine's lift ticket, but he ends up RIPPING BLAINE'S JACKET too.

ADAM (CONT'D)         Sorry, I was trying to... you can probably patch that up. Blaine PULLS Adam close by the collar and clenches his fist.

BLAINE You're dead meat, scumbag. Just then, SNOW POWDER flies in Blaine's face. Blaine lets go of Adam, as Jacob snowboards up and stops short, coming to         his brother's side.

JACOB There you are! My brother's had a         few too many triple Venti nonfat lattes if you know what I mean. (genuine, to Adam) Are you OK? Adam nods. Blaine looks confused. CHAZ and TAD look enamored with Jacob.

CHAZ Dude, they let you bring a         skateboard on the mountain?

JACOB It's a snowboard. You know - no         wheels.

TAD Genius! Man, not to get all fag on         you, but I'm digging your fresh threads, bro. Adam and Blaine look equally confused with what's going on. Jacob takes the compliment well, like he deserves it.

36.

JACOB Thank you. It's mostly North Face. A little EMS.

CHAZ Whatever it is, it works.

TAD Totally. What are you doing with this boner? You should be skiing with us. Like permanently. Blaine looks really annoyed with his friends.

BLAINE Guys!

TAD I mean, that's if Blaine thinks it's cool and everything. Blaine takes a deep breath, annoyed.

BLAINE

(TO JACOB) Get your spaz brother out of here. And for his sake, I don't wanna see him back on my mountain.

CHAZ

(EAGER) You're welcome any time though! Adam picks up his BACKPACK, which fell off during the collision. He stares at Jennie again and smiles.

ADAM You look JUST like this girl. I         had the biggest crush on her-- Blaine grabs the bag out of Adam's hand and SHOVES ADAM away.

BLAINE This is mine now. Adam looks at Blaine angrily, but Jacob holds him back.

JACOB Come on. Let's just go. Jacob ushers Adam off the slope, as Blaine shoulders the bag.

37.

INT. PINE VALLEY INN / LOBBY - DAY

Adam and Jacob walk in the front door. Gone are the children and old people. The living room off the lobby presently hosts what appears to be an amazing 80s RETRO PARTY. A radio plays Miami Sound Machine's "Conga." Girls and guys wear printed sweaters, feathered dos, and neon leggings. It's something out of a mid-80s Aspen photo shoot. Nick walks in behind them, looking as confused as them. He         turns up his palms and shakes his head, at a loss for words.

ADAM What is going on? Lou strolls up to the guys, with his arms around TWO HOT CHICKS. He looks elated.

LOU Guys! I'm so glad you're here. I         want to introduce you to Michelle and Sandy. These lovely ladies are having a roller skating party next weekend and no offense, but fuck your wedding -- I'm totally coming back. By the way...         Lou rolls out a ZIPLOCK BAG full of cocaine.

LOU (CONT'D)         There's coke everywhere around here. This place rules! Lou dips into the coke and rubs it on his gums and we:

CUT TO:

INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - LATE AFTERNOON

The suite looks a little "fresher." The furniture is the same, but everything's in better shape. It looks almost new. Adam, Jacob, and Lou sit in the main room with the TV on, as         Nick emerges from a bedroom.

JACOB Has anyone else noticed that things around here are weird as shit? Adam and Nick nod. Lou shakes his head.

38.

LOU Don't you ruin this. If you wake me from this dream, I'll kill you.

ADAM

(IGNORING LOU) What do you think happened?

JACOB I have no idea, but look...         Jacob turns up the VOLUME on the TV. The NEWS airs.

NEWSCASTER (ON TV) The Dow Jones Industrial Average closed just above 2,000 today...

NICK I'm ruined!

NEWSCASTER (ON TV) In other news, the Tower Commission has rebuked President Reagan for not controlling his national security staff in an arms-for- hostages deal with Iran...         For a moment, the guys sit there in stunned silence. Then...

LOU (with genuine emotion) We're in 1971.

ADAM

(CORRECTING HIM) We're in 1987. Everyone looks stunned and dazed.

JACOB What are we gonna do? I have plans next weekend.

ADAM We all have plans. It's my fucking wedding!

NICK Now hold on, we don't know for sure that we're in 1987. The TV shows a (real) COMMERCIAL for the COMMODORE 64 computer, with a JINGLE that SINGS: "Are you keeping up with         the Commodore, 'cause the Commodore's keeping up with you..."

39.         When it's over...

NICK (CONT'D)         OK, we're in 1987. Adam stands up, completely losing it.

ADAM What the FUCK is going on?! Nick stands up and calmly takes charge.

NICK Everyone relax. I think I know what's happened. And when we're         done discussing it, we're all gonna feel a lot better. Everyone looks to Nick, who seems to have the answer.

NICK (CONT'D)         Two words: black hole. He lets it hang in the air for a moment, as if it's suddenly going to gel for everyone. But the guys look confused.

NICK (CONT'D)         I saw a special on the Science Channel. And guess what? Sometimes this happens.

ADAM This happens?

NICK Yes. And the best thing for us to         do is to stay put. The universe will eventually reverse itself and work out this little glitch. Nick sits down, looking satisfied in his know-it-all-ness.

ADAM This is a big glitch.

JACOB Yeah, you're an idiot. Black holes are in space. Not at a ski resort.

LOU

(HOPEFUL) So does this mean we get to go to         girls' locker rooms and see them naked and they can't see us?

40.

JACOB No, we traveled through time. We're not invisible. Lou looks upset.

LOU (under his breath) I'm still gonna do it.

ADAM Guys, ignoring the ridiculousness of how we got here for a moment--

NICK Black hole.

ADAM How are we supposed to get back? For a moment, everyone sits and absorbs the question. Then:

LOU We find a scientist.

CUT TO:

INT. IBM / RECEPTION - LATE AFTERNOON

Our guys WAIT NERVOUSLY near a RECEPTION DESK, above which is         the "IBM" logo. Lou reads a MAGAZINE.

LOU This Dukakis guy seems like he         might be the real deal. An affable MAN IN A SUIT approaches.

MAN IN SUIT Gentlemen, how may I help you?

NICK We're waiting for a scientist.

MAN IN SUIT I am a scientist.

LOU Where's your white coat?

SCIENTIST I'm not that kind of scientist.

41.         Lou stands up and throws down his magazine.

LOU This is bullshit! I told you--

ADAM Wait a minute. Just tell him.

NICK OK. You tell him, Adam.

ADAM Sir, we...

(EMBARRASSED) This is ridiculous.

SCIENTIST Nothing's too ridiculous in the name of science.

JACOB We're from the future.

SCIENTIST Get the fuck out of here.

EXT. IBM OFFICE PARK - LATE AFTERNOON

A SECURITY GUARD escorts our guys out of the building.

ADAM That went well. Lou starts walking off by himself.

NICK

(TO LOU) Where are you going? Lou points to his watch.

LOU Five o'clock. Happy hour. The guys look at him, confused.

LOU (CONT'D)         If it's '87, the PF Chang's will be          gone, which means the Brew Haus still stands.

(THEN) It's Saturday. They have wet T-         shirt contests on Saturdays.

42.         The guys' eyebrows raise. After a moment:

ADAM Well, maybe one drink. Just to         confirm.

INT. BREW HAUS - HAPPY HOUR

SPLASH! A WET T-SHIRT CONTEST is underway on a STAGE. Whitesnake on the juke, PAC MAN on the tables, and cheap beers in the mugs - this is an amazing brew pub. Our guys sit in the back, wearing PINE VALLEY LODGE shirts. There are MANY EMPTIES on the table and they look VERY DRUNK. In a roped-off area in the corner, a cocky YOUNGER PHIL (the         one-armed bellhop) wields a CHAINSAW that he uses to carve an          ICE SCULPTURE, impressing the bar crowd. He has BOTH ARMS.

NICK Holy shit. It's that bellhop.

JACOB Should we warn him?

ADAM

(COVERS EYES) I don't want to see this go down. Phil TOSSES THE CHAINSAW IN THE AIR and...         He expertly CATCHES IT, seamlessly continuing to carve. A         GIRL leans in and gives him a kiss.

LOU Fuck that guy. ON THE STAGE, TWO GIRLS compete for wettest t-shirt. They both decide that NO T-SHIRT is the wettest option.

NICK God bless our country.

ADAM (in a daze) We're in 1987.

JACOB You can stop saying that. I don't         think it's making a difference.

43.

ADAM Seriously, we have to get back. (kinda losing it) We seriously have to get back! The guys subdue Adam, as a BIG-HAIRED WAITRESS brings drinks.

WAITRESS Here ya go, guys. Three Buds, one Bartles and James. The guys all stare at her like she's a museum artifact.

WAITRESS (CONT'D)         What? I have lipstick on my teeth? Nick sips his WINE COOLER, feeling the eyes of the others on         him.

NICK Hey, if it's available, I'm         ordering it. I always wanted one of these when I was little. The waitress puts down the CHECK. Jacob picks it up, realizing something.

JACOB (to the waitress) Can you give us a second? She walks away, as Jacob turns to the guys.

JACOB (CONT'D)         This is gonna be a problem. He takes out his wallet, showing his CREDIT CARDS and CASH.

JACOB (CONT'D)         Guys, we're in trouble. Our cards aren't gonna work and our new money looks fake. The guys look concerned, but then Nick notices something:

A TABLE FULL OF JAPANESE BUSINESSMEN.

NICK I've got an idea. As Nick gets up and approaches the businessmen, Adam looks around the room and by the bar, he spots --

44.         Jennie. He stares at her from across the room. Lou and Jacob notice.

ADAM I still can't believe it's really her!

LOU She's aged remarkably well.

(REMEMBERS) Oh, right. Why don't you just go         talk to her?

ADAM I should go talk to her. To         apologize, of course. You know, nothing inappropriate.

LOU Sure...         Adam GETS UP. He slowly makes his way over across the room. Jennie is talking to TWO OTHER GIRLS as Adam approaches. He         lurks near them like a creep. Jennie eventually notices him, as he keeps stealing glances. She doesn't look happy.

JENNIE

(TO ADAM) Listen putz, if you're gonna try to         attack me again, my boyfriend will be here soon. He'll kick your ass. Adam tries to be casual.

ADAM No, no. No ass kicking. I just wanted to say I'm sorry about earlier. I lost control of the old skis there.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Looks like I shoulda taken another one of your classes!

JENNIE When did you take my class?

ADAM Certainly not when I was a kid! I         mean, that would make no sense! Adam tries to recover.

45.

ADAM (CONT'D)         I was here for a convention. Power tools. And regular tools. All sorts of tools. I'm big into tools. It was a couple years ago. Jennie looks very suspect of Adam.

JENNIE Yeah, OK. Have a good night. Jennie starts to walk away with her friends.

ADAM

(TOO FRIENDLY) Hey, where ya going? She ignores him, but one of her friends quietly lags behind.

JENNIE'S FRIEND (quietly, to Adam) Are you with that guy over there? She discretely points out Jacob.

ADAM Yeah, he's my brother. She takes Adam's PALM and writes something on it.

JENNIE'S FRIEND There's a party later tonight at         this address. Make sure he comes with you. He's way boss! Adam walks back to his friends.

JACOB How'd it go? He shows them his palm.

ADAM We got invited to a party later.

LOU sweet! What are we gonna do until then?

ADAM How about figure out how the hell to get back to the present day? Nick walks back to the table and SLAMS down a pile of CASH.

46.

NICK Bam!

LOU We're millionaires!

NICK Close. It's a thousand bucks.

ADAM Where did you get that money? Nick points out the Japanese Businessmen.

NICK

(PROUDLY) Sold them my iPod. Jacob looks incredulous.

JACOB That was NOT a good idea!

LOU I agree. You left so much money on         the table. It's a fucking iPod! You could've gotten a LOT more!

JACOB That's not what I--

ADAM (looking at watch) Fellas, we are not making progress and we're losing time.

NICK Adam, don't worry. Time's not moving forward in the future.

JACOB Uh, yeah it is. Lest we forget the lessons learned from Bill and Ted.

NICK Well then I give you Back to the Future.

JACOB That's not fair. You can't go         right to Back to the Future.

NICK Why not?

47.

JACOB Back to the Future had a time machine.

NICK Well so did Bill and Ted.

ADAM

(REALIZES) Wait, that's it! I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I think we have a time machine.

NICK Adam, all we did is get drunk in         the hot tub. Everyone's EYES GO WIDE.

LOU (puts it together) A hot tub time machine.

CUT TO:

EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - EARLY EVENING

All four guys soak in the tub. They TOAST with drinks.

ADAM Here goes nothing! They simultaneously DOWN their drinks. Nothing happens. Like the chimps in 2001, each of them begins FIDDLING WITH KNOBS and PUSHING ON LIGHTS, trying to find the magic button. After a few moments:

NICK Well, it was worth a shot. ANGLE WIDENS to reveal other PEOPLE in the tub. A GUY AND GIRL make out, two STONERS pass a joint, and one TOPLESS CHICK just chills out.

LOU (stares at girl) I love this place. As Lou pours himself another, Adam starts to lose it again.

ADAM Guys, we're running out of ideas here!

(MORE)

48.

ADAM (CONT'D)         I mean we tried the scientist, the tub -- what the fuck do we do next? Lou DOWNS ANOTHER SHOT and gets a crazy look in his eye.

LOU I know what we do next.

CUT TO:

EXT. PARKING LOT - EARLY EVENING

A DELOREAN is parked in the empty lot. Adam, Nick, and Jacob look at it, drunkenly and bleary-eyed. Adam and Nick trade swigs from a BOTTLE OF WHISKEY. The gull wing door opens and Lou steps out, in a foul mood.

LOU Rental car agency fucked us! There's no flux capacitor. Lou pulls Jacob over and straps him in the driver's seat, before walking around to the passenger side.

LOU (CONT'D)         (to Adam and Nick) We'll travel to 2010. Then one of         us will come back and get one of          you. And so on and so forth.

INT. DELOREAN - EARLY EVENING

Lou sits in the passenger seat next to Jacob.

LOU Go light on the clutch. I don't         wanna lose our deposit. Jacob starts the car.

EXT. PARKING LOT - SAME TIME

Adam and Nick watch the car pull out of the parking lot.

ADAM

(SOBERING SLIGHTLY) This will not end well.

49.

INT./EXT. DELOREAN - SAME TIME

Jacob and Lou hit the road, picking up speed. They pass a         COP, who pulls out, turning on his LIGHTS AND SIREN.

LOU Oh shit, they found me! I don't         know how but they found me!

(LAUGHS) I always wanted to say that. Punch it! Jacob HITS THE GAS.

LOU (CONT'D)         Let's see the look on this pig's          face when we hit 88 and disappear into thin air! Yeah! The SPEEDOMETER hits 75, 80, 85, and then 90. And then 95. The car SHAKES VIOLENTLY.

LOU (CONT'D)

(SURPRISED) This thing's a piece of shit. Up ahead, the ROAD CURVES DRASTICALLY.

JACOB Hey Lou?

LOU Yeah?

JACOB

(VERY CALM) We're doing a hundred. I can't         control this car.

LOU

(NODS) I hear ya.

EXT. ROAD - EARLY EVENING

The Delorean BRAKES, but doesn't make the turn. It FLIPS OVER in a fantastic disaster and comes to a stop in a DITCH. The COP pulls over, gets out of his car, and DRAWS HIS GUN.

50.

EXT. PARKING LOT - EARLY EVENING

Adam and Nick watch the accident from a distance.

ADAM So do you think we should run away?

INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - LATER THAT NIGHT

Looking ragged as hell, the four guys walk into the room and silently collapse on various BEDS and COUCHES.

LOU I wonder if we'll still be here for our court appearance.

ADAM If we're still here in four months, I will happily go to jail, because I'll be fucked anyway. A GUY walks out of the bathroom, wearing only a TOWEL. He         looks startled.

TOWEL GUY Who the hell are you dweebs?! Lou is up IN A FLASH. He IMMEDIATELY DECKS THE GUY OUT COLD and PUMMELS HIM on the floor! The others pull him off.

NICK Jesus Christ, what the hell, Lou?!

LOU I have no tolerance for intruders.

NICK This is probably his room! We're         not registered here in 87. Lou thinks for a moment and looks a "little" sorry.

LOU I'm still pretty OK with it.

ADAM You have a problem.

LOU Just help me put him outside.

51.

INT. PINE VALLEY INN / HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

The guys open the door to the suite and find TWO DUDES walking by. Adam stops them.

ADAM

(AWKWARDLY) Hey. Dudes. Our friend's...         hellaciously wasted. He partied pretty hearty... to the max. To         the extreme max.

DUDE #1 Bodacious.

ADAM So you guys wanna fuck with him or         what?

DUDE #2 Excellent. The dudes take custody of the passed out TOWEL GUY and continue on down the hall, as our guys go back inside.

INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - NIGHT

The guys look physically exhausted.

NICK Let's just go to sleep. We'll         figure everything out in the morning. It's pretty late. Jacob checks his watch, rolling his eyes.

JACOB It's 8:45. The other guys look at their watches, surprised.

NICK Why am I so wiped out?

JACOB Because you're old and lame?

LOU Yeah, fuck that, we're going to         that party!

ADAM We are not going to the party.

52.

LOU Hear me out. Lou paces around the room like Patton addressing the troops.

LOU (CONT'D)         We saw the scientist. He was worthless. We tried the tub. Dead end. I got us a fucking time machine. From Hertz. It might as         well have been a Nissan. Adam shakes his head, as Lou continues.

LOU (CONT'D)         Gentlemen, it's fucking 1987. Nixon's in the White House, gas is         free, and we're about to put a man on the moon!

ADAM Did we go to the same school? Lou turns and addresses Adam directly.

LOU The point is you haven't even met your wife yet! She can't fault you for shit that went down 23 years ago! Even if 23 years ago somehow ends up being tonight! Adam starts listening a little more closely, as some of Lou's         logic actually makes "some" sense.

LOU (CONT'D)         It's time to start facing the fact that we may not be going home. And if that's so, then we owe it to         ourselves to make the best life we          can for ourselves. The guys listen intently, as Lou's speech reaches a         passionate climax.

LOU (CONT'D)         Because I don't want to be that college freshman who spends the first semester hiding in his dorm room, only to realize that come spring, he has no friends.

(MORE PASSIONATE) No!

(MORE)

53.

LOU (CONT' D ) I want to be that college freshman who fucks chicks way out of his league before they have an         opportunity to realize he's not as          cool as he's pretending to be! Nick nods. Even Jacob smiles.

LOU (CONT'D)         Are you with me?

ADAM

(CONFUSED) I don't know.

LOU Close enough. We'll talk some more at the party.

INT. HOUSE PARTY - NIGHT

It's like the 80s exploded. Music, clothes, hair, attitude -- it's all on overdrive. In one section, PARTY-GOERS marvel at         DUCK HUNT, while in another area, people make out and dance. Adam, Nick, Lou, and Jacob walk in the front door. They have updated their "looks" with 80s sweaters and other era- appropriate attire. They all look ridiculous, except for Jacob, whose youth lends him hipster appeal.

ADAM This sweater makes me look like a         jerkof f.

LOU

(BREATHES DEEPLY) It's good to be home. In a corner, Phil puts his ARM in a SHARK TANK. Just as the shark goes to bite, he PULLS HIS ARM OUT, unscathed. A small crowd claps. Our guys are confused and upset.

NICK Was this like an 80s thing?

LOU If he doesn't lose that arm soon, I'm gonna take it from him myself. With that, Lou wanders off toward another room, leering at         and groping girls as he goes.

54.

ADAM

(RE: LOU) He's gonna be a problem. Tad and Chaz walk over, looking dapper and douchey. They are excited to see Jacob.

TAD Hey, glad you could make it!

ADAM

(ANNOYED) This is your party?

CHAZ Hey man, no hard feelings, all right? If your bro says you're         cool, then we're cool. Tad puts his arm around Jacob and leads him into the party.

TAD There's some people I want you to         meet. By the way, bodacious hair. Incredibly chic.

JACOB

(FLATTERED) Oh yeah? It doesn't really take that much product. It's all in the layering.

TAD Whoa. Product. You're blowing my         mind right now. Did you spend time in Europe?

CHAZ Don't tell me. Prague. Do you want some coke?

JACOB Do you have Coke Zero?

TAD Ah, a conscientious objector. I         like that. Gotta stay sharp.

IN THE KITCHEN Nick mixes something in a large bowl, as plenty of EAGER PARTY-GOERS look on. He pours a red liquid into a tray of         CUPS. An attractive PARTY CHICK follows his every move.

55.

NICK These will be ready in 15 minutes.

PARTY CHICK (putting it together) So it's like jello. With vodka.

NICK Mmm hmm. You get drunk while you enjoy a delicious gelatin snack.

PARTY CHICK How come no one ever thought of         this before?

NICK Don't know. I just invented it. Party chick looks into his eyes, dreamily.

PARTY CHICK I appreciate you.

NICK (way too heartfelt) I love you.

IN THE LIVING ROOM Lou PLAYS AN ELECTRIC KEYBOARD for about 15-20 people. He's         performing Ace of Base's "The Sign" and SINGING PASSIONATELY. Adam walks up to where Jacob aims a large VIDEO CAMERA.

JACOB He did a bunch of drugs and went on         a rant about how much he resents Ace of Base.

ADAM That band's from the 90s.

JACOB I know. He made me borrow Tad's         video camera. He wants to document the performance and sue the band for infringement when we get back. Adam sees Tad and Chaz behaving like cocks across the room, making hot girls drink too much.

56.

ADAM (re: Tad and Chaz) So, you like these guys?

JACOB They're rich, popular, and they shower me with compliments. They're pretty much the best friends I've ever had.

ON A BALCONY A CROWD gathers around Phil, who has removed the cover of a

SPINNING INDUSTRIAL FAN.

CROWD Phil! Phil! Phil! Like a zen master, Phil reaches out and GRABS A FAN BLADE, stopping the fan WITHOUT INJURY. Everyone celebrates!

IN THE KITCHEN Nick holds up a HOMEMADE BEER BONG, from which he drinks. He         has his own CROWD rooting him on.

NICK'S CROWD Nick! Nick! Nick! He finishes the last of the beer, and the crowd celebrates.

PARTY GUY This guy should be in charge of         everything!

NICK I should.

IN THE LIVING ROOM Lou SITS ON A COUCH with Michelle, one of the girls we met earlier at the lodge. Her friend Sandy sits across from them next to Jacob, who looks uncomfortable.

SANDY Truth or dare? Lou confers with Michelle before answering.

LOU Dare.

57.         Sandy and Jacob confer, figuring out the dare. Lou meets Jacob's eyes -- he smiles, knowing Jacob has his back.

SANDY OK, we dare Lou to put a Twizzler up his ass. Lou stands up and angrily points at Jacob.

LOU You son of a bitch! Have you ever played this game before? It's         supposed to be awesome! Lou nevertheless grabs a TWIZZLER from the snack bowl and shoves it down the back of his pants. His face contorts uncomfortably and he is almost on the verge of tears.

LOU (CONT'D)         This is a horrible thing you're          doing and I hope you never have to          experience what I am currently going through. Lou sits down and Michelle consoles him.

MICHELLE Your turn! Truth or dare? Before Sandy can even confer with Jacob:

JACOB

(SMILES) Truth. Lou throws up his hands in frustration. He looks miserable, as Michelle confers with him.

LOU (grumbling to Michelle) I don't care. Whatever. This is         not the point of the game.

MICHELLE OK, each of you has to tell your darkest, most personal secret. Lou crosses his arms and shakes his head.

58.

JACOB Oh wow, all right. Let me think. I've never told anyone this, but I         was afraid of scary movies until I          was 18. I even ran out of the theater a couple of times.

SANDY Oh you poor thing! Come here...         She takes Jacob's head to her chest and strokes it gently. Lou makes a jerk-off gesture.

SANDY (CONT'D)

(SHY) I'm not sure I should tell mine.

MICHELLE Come on! You have to!

SANDY OK, but you can't laugh.

LOU

(WHO CARES) We promise. Let's hear it.

SANDY So this one time me and my friend Lori took a train to Baltimore. It         was the summer and we wanted to          party, but we had no money. So         Lori found this businessman who was also looking for a good time and told him that we'd give him a half and half for seventy-five dollars. You know -- a suck and fuck. Lou and Jacob look shocked with the MATTER OF FACT storytelling. Michelle smiles. She's heard it before.

SANDY (CONT'D)         Anyway, we get him up to his room and Lori starts going down on him, but I really wasn't into it. So I         broke a piece of the bathroom mirror and used it to cut his artery on the-heck. Right here...         She rubs Jacob's neck, pointing it out.

SANDY (CONT'D)         He bled for about an hour before he          died.

(MORE)

59.

SANDY (CONT'D)         Afterwards, we took his wallet to          the bar and found out he only had forty-seven dollars. Michelle GIGGLES.

SANDY (CONT'D)         Michelle! You said you wouldn't         laugh!

MICHELLE

(GIGGLING) I'm sorry! Jacob and Lou look shell-shocked.

IN ANOTHER ROOM Adam sits in a chair in the corner, secluded. To his LEFT -- Nick's in the kitchen, catching POPCORN in his mouth and earning accolades from all his new fans. To Adam's RIGHT -- The truth or dare game devolves, as Michelle PIERCES LOU'S         EAR. He screams in pain, but at the end, he has a GOLD STUD in his RIGHT EAR. Lou points at Jacob.

LOU Fuck you, your turn.

JACOB That's the gay ear, you know. As Adam looks STRAIGHT AHEAD -- He sees Jennie all by herself, browsing the hosts' CASSETTE TAPE COLLECTION. Adam takes a moment to check himself. Then he reaches for his DRINK and GULPS THE WHOLE THING, before getting up and WALKING OVER to her, catching her off guard.

ADAM So I lied to you earlier. I wasn't         here for a power tool convention. Jennie instinctively looks around for her friends.

JENNIE I know. You don't look like you could handle power tools.

60.

ADAM The truth is, Jennie, I've always liked you. But I've never really known you. I really wasn't         supposed to meet you again.

JENNIE Who are you?! Adam shrugs, indicating he might as well tell her.

ADAM I came here from the future. She rolls her eyes - she's heard all the one-liners.

JENNIE Let me guess. You want to beam me         up to your spaceship built for two? Or maybe you're wondering if these are astronaut pants?

ADAM Astronaut pants?

JENNIE Because my ass is out of this world? Give me a break, spaz. I've heard them all. She turns away. Adam goes after her.

ADAM No! No spaceship. No astronaut pants. Just regular time travel. With normal pants.

JENNIE OK, what's the punch line? An ARM comes from behind and CHOKES ADAM. It's Blaine.

BLAINE I thought I told you to stay off my         mountain, partner!

JENNIE Blaine, stop!

BLAINE You talking to my girl? Huh? I         can't hear you. Adam fights to breathe, as Blaine chokes him harder.

61.

JENNIE Blaine, that's enough! Let him go! He can't breathe! Blaine doesn't stop. He smiles like an asshole.

BLAINE Can't breathe? Is that right? Can you breathe, partner? What's that? I can't hear you. Just tell me you can't breathe and I'll stop. Adam still struggles. Blaine just shrugs.

BLAINE (CONT'D)         He's not saying anything. I guess he can breathe. Jennie pulls on Blaine's arm, trying to free Adam.

BLAINE (CONT'D)         Babe, stop. Jennie, stop! Blaine turns and accidentally ELBOWS JENNIE in the face. She goes down. He releases Adam and turns to help her.

BLAINE (CONT'D)         Baby, I'm sorry. (turns to Adam) See what you made me do?!

JENNIE Screw you, Blaine! Jennie gets up. She grabs Adam's arm and YANKS HIM along with her, as she storms away.

JENNIE (CONT'D)

(TO ADAM) Come on, let's go! Blaine looks ON FIRE, as he watches Jennie leave with Adam.

LOU (V.0.) Sandy, I don't know what you did with this wine, but it is         delightful.

INT. APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT

Jacob and Lou sit with Michelle and Sandy back at the girls' apartment. The whole place looks like a Madonna concert.

62.         Jacob looks uncomfortable, but Lou pours on the polite charm.

SANDY It's from a box. There's lots!

LOU Mmm. Fantastic.

(QUICK TURN) Do you mind if I borrow my friend? We'll only be a moment.

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT / BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Lou has Jacob PINNED AGAINST THE WALL with his arm. He         speaks quietly, but with purpose.

LOU You're gonna fuck her!

JACOB I'm not gonna have sex with her. She killed a guy!

LOU That guy was undesirable. You heard her. It was about the money.

JACOB Great, so she's a prostitute. I'm         not sleeping with a hooker either.

LOU She's not a hooker. She's a girl who did what she had to do to make a few bucks. (tries new tactic) Listen, she's probably awesome in         bed.

JACOB She probably has a hairy vagina.

LOU Exactly! Jacob looks confused.

JACOB I'm not having this conversation. It's pointless. I don't have a         condom.

63.

LOU Perfect! Me neither! No one here uses condoms. It's like heaven. Only with a lot more coke. Lou takes his COKE out of his pocket and SNORTS a bunch.

LOU (CONT'D)         How do I look?

JACOB Like a fucking madman? He slaps Jacob's arms.

LOU Rock and roll. Lou exits the bathroom and calls out to the girls.

LOU (CONT'D)         Who's ready to get laid by an          awesome penis?!

INT. PINE VALLEY INN / LOBBY - LATE NIGHT

Adam and Jennie are sitting on the floor by the fireplace, playing MONOPOLY.

ADAM Oooh, Atlantic Avenue. That's         gonna cost you.

JENNIE How much?

ADAM I'll tell ya what... Adam moves her token up a few squares and makes a show of         looking over his shoulder, as if someone might see.

ADAM (CONT'D)         I'm not supposed to do this. But I'm gonna upgrade you to Marvin Gardens. It's a suite. Plus, there's an excellent buffet and a         view of the pool. Jennie laughs, despite herself. She looks around, as if         someone might see her. Adam notices.

64.

ADAM (CONT'D)         No one's gonna see you hanging out with the creepy spaz. Don't worry.

JENNIE I'm sorry I called you those names.

ADAM Hey, it's cool. I was being creepy and spazzy.

JENNIE You're still not gonna tell me how you know me?

ADAM I'm from the future.

JENNIE Fine, let's just drop it. I'm glad you're feeling better. Blaine had no right to hit you.

(SMILES) I bet he's going out of his mind right now.

ADAM What are you doing with a douche like him anyway? You're so much better than that.

JENNIE Yeah, well guys like you come to         visit. Guys like him live here.

ADAM So if I lived here, I'd have a         shot? For a moment, Jennie is thrown off. She's about to say something, but checks herself. Instead she nervously stands.

JENNIE I'm gonna get going. Adam stands up with her.

JENNIE (CONT'D)         Thanks for being a good guy. I         don't remember the last time I had this much fun playing such a stupid game. She gives Adam a sweet KISS ON THE CHEEK.

65.

JENNIE (CONT'D)         If you run into Blaine, you can tell him I blew you. But that's         all. We didn't do anything else.

ADAM

(SURPRISED) We didn't do anything!

JENNIE

(SMILES) Shh. It's our little secret. Jennie exits, leaving Adam confused.

INT. APARTMENT / BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT

In the darkness, we hear SOUNDS OF SEX. Moans of pleasure, creaks of mattresses, multiple "yesses." On TWIN BEDS that are a little too close to each other, Lou and Jacob have sex with Michelle and Sandy. The girls and Lou are vocal. Jacob is silent. As Sandy rides him, Jacob notices some BROKEN GLASS on the bedside table. He can't take his eyes off it, as Sandy's         hand keeps brushing up against the table. Lou, naked, DRINKS A CAN OF TAB while he delivers the goods to Michelle. He reaches over, mid-act, and hands the half- empty can to Jacob.

LOU Tab?

JACOB Stop talking to me! Despite the fact that this looks like very good sex -- it is         very bad sex for Jacob.

FADE TO:

INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - LATE NIGHT

Adam is asleep in bed, as Jennie quietly enters the room. He         wakes up to find her wearing SEXY LINGERIE, as she CLIMBS ON          TOP of him.

ADAM Jennie!

66.         He looks over and sees Nick SNORING in the other bed.

ADAM (CONT'D)

(WHISPERS) What are you doing here?! Jennie gives Adam a LONG WET KISS. He's freaked out.

JENNIE I thought about what you said and you're right. I should be with you.

ADAM I didn't necessarily say that.

JENNIE I want you, Adam! She RIPS OPEN her lingerie, revealing her AWESOME HEAVING

NAKED BREASTS.

ADAM Oh my god! She kisses him again and they start to go at it. Just then --

LILY (O.S.) What the hell is going on here? Adam pushes Jennie off him, as the LIGHTS GO ON in the room. Lily is standing in the doorway, looking sad and angry.

ADAM Lily?

LILY So you do like her better than me?

ADAM No, she just-- Adam looks to where Jennie just was, but now the bed is         covered with PHOTOS OF JENNIE. There's also a LARGE BOX OF         TISSUES and some HAND LOTION.

ADAM (CONT'D)         What's all this?

(LOOKS AROUND) Jennie?

LILY What's wrong with my vagina, Adam?

67.

ADAM Nothing's wrong with it. It's         beautiful. In the next bed, Nick rolls over and wakes up.

NICK It's a beautiful vagina. Among the prettiest I've ever seen.

ADAM Stay out of it, Nick!

LILY Would it be so bad to spend the rest of your life with my vagina?

ADAM No. It wouldn't at all. Lily turns and walks out the door.

ADAM (CONT'D)         Lily, it wouldn't! I love your vagina! I love your vaginaaaaaa!

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - MORNING

Adam abruptly WAKES UP.

ADAM

(GROGGY MUMBLING) Vagina... huh? He sees Nick sitting on a bed on the other side of the room. He's ON THE PHONE, talking quietly with someone.

NICK (ON PHONE) I just really need to get a few things off my chest. You're         domineering and you think you have all the answers, but you don't.         Not by a long shot. Nick is getting emotional.

NICK (ON PHONE) (CONT'D)         You think you're better than me? Last night I made jello shots and everybody loved me.

(MORE)

68.

NICK (ON PHONE) (CONT'D)         They didn't care that I only brought home 60k last year. They loved me for me. They didn't go         throwing their rich parents' weight around. (wipes away a tear) I don't know, Courtney.

INTERCUT:

INT. CHILD'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

A 6-YEAR-OLD COURTNEY (Nick's future wife) listens to this crying man on the other end of the phone.

6-YEAR-OLD COURTNEY (ON PHONE) It's OK. Nick CRIES a little bit harder.

NICK (ON PHONE) It's so good to hear your voice. I         love you, princess. I really do. You just make it so hard on me         sometimes.

6-YEAR-OLD COURTNEY (ON PHONE) It's OK.

NICK (ON PHONE) You're right. It's OK. I just want it to be OK. Adam starts registering some of this conversation.

ADAM Who are you talking to? Nick looks at Adam and covers the receiver.

NICK Courtney.

ADAM What do you mean "Courtney?" Adam picks up ANOTHER PHONE.

ADAM (ON PHONE) (CONT'D)         Hello?

6-YEAR-OLD COURTNEY (ON PHONE) Hello!

69.         Adam, freaked out, HANGS UP his phone.

ADAM Get off the phone!! But Nick is down the rabbit hole.

NICK (ON PHONE) Baby, I gotta go. Just think about what I said. We're so great together. It's like when we're         having sex - the way our bodies become one, as we both embrace the passion of the moment-- On the other end, COURTNEY'S DAD has picked up the phone.

COURTNEY'S DAD (ON PHONE)

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?! Nick hangs up the phone and stares at it, freaked out. Adam just shakes his head.

NICK OK, so that may have been bad.

ADAM What were you thinking? The DOOR OPENS and Lou strolls in, looking quite fresh.

LOU Guess who re-popped his 80s cherry? This guy! He points at himself in a celebratory manner, as behind him -- The Towel Guy whose room this is comes RUNNING UP.

TOWEL GUY Hey, get the hell out of my room! In one move, Lou catches him inside the room, closes the door with his foot, and puts the guy in a HEAD LOCK. He then converts it into a SLEEPER HOLD, putting the guy to sleep.

NICK Oh, we're going to jail.

LOU Help me put him in the closet.

70.

INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - CLOSET - MOMENTS LATER

The guys drop the sleeping Towel Guy in the closet.

INT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO -- MOMENTS LATER

Adam, Nick, and Lou take a soak in the tub.

ADAM Has anyone seen Jacob?

LOU He's grabbing drinks with Tad and Chaz. Which is what we should do. We'll start at the Brew Haus and do         a three drink crawl up the street-- Adam gets more fed up than ever.

ADAM Guys! I refuse to accept that we're stuck in 1987! Maybe you're         loving it, Lou. But you don't get it. Nick's insane, Jacob's become a bigger douche than before, and I         need to get back for my goddamn rehearsal dinner? Which is         tomorrow!

LOU

(CALMLY) Adam. I know I don't look like I         understand, but I do. You have a         beautiful fiancee who means more to          you than anything in the world. And if you could, you'd literally travel across time for her.

ADAM Yes.

LOU I get it, man. Life is about these moments. Moments where a regular Joe becomes a hero. Moments where you dig deep and find the motivation... the courage... the guts to do what's right and what's         necessary. It's moments like these...         Lou suddenly notices some COCAINE on the edge of the tub.

71.

LOU (CONT'D)         Jesus, how come nobody told me          there was coke out here? Lou SNORTS A BIG LINE.

LOU (CONT'D)         What was I saying? Adam and Nick get out and towel off. Lou follows.

ADAM Maybe we have to learn something?

NICK What do you mean?

ADAM You know, like Groundhog Day. We         have to learn the meaning of life or some shit. Just then, a KITTEN licking a PUDDLE on the base of the tub JUMPS in the hot tub and VANISHES IN A BRIGHT LIGHT! For a moment, everyone is quiet.

LOU

(FREAKED OUT) I've gotta stop doing cocaine and I         need to go to the hospital. I just saw a fucking kitten explode.

NICK I saw it too. The guys run over to the tub. The bubbles are on low, but there's NOTHING IN IT.

ADAM It didn't explode. It vanished. It went back... to the present.

LOU This is the present.

ADAM Our old present.

NICK So it is the tub! Lou POINTS at something.

72.

LOU Um...         The HOT TUB IS NOT PLUGGED IN, and yet it's clearly running.

ADAM OK. You guys know what to do.

CUT TO:

EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - MINUTES LATER

The guys have a COUPLE BOXES OF KITTENS. One at a time, they get in the tub and take turns DIPPING THE KITTENS. When nothing happens, Lou DUMPS an entire box of kittens into the tub. The cats get ANGRY and CLAW AT HIS FACE and body. Eventually, the guys just shake their heads.

ADAM This isn't working.

LOU Maybe these aren't the right kittens? Adam points at him in a "now you're thinking" way.

ADAM We'll split up. Get as many different cats as you can. Let's         all meet back here in an hour.

LOU You can count on me!

INT. BREW HAUS - DAY

Lou sits on a stool, munching on snacks. A TV shows the AFC conference championship game between the Denver Broncos and the Cleveland Browns. It's the 4th Quarter and the Browns score with 5:43 remaining on the clock to go up by 7. Two stools over, a SLICK-HAIRED ASSHOLE (RICK) sits with his bored-looking HIGH SOCIETY TROPHY WIFE (CANDACE).

RICK Yes!

LOU Hate to tell ya, pal. Browns are gonna lose by 3 in overtime.

73.

RICK Eat shit and die, scumbag. I've         got ten large on this game.

LOU Not only that, but I bet you Elway's gonna throw a touchdown with 37 seconds left.

RICK Fat chance, pal. Elway's done nothing all day.

LOU Care to make it interesting?

RICK Who the hell are you? Lou thinks about the question for a moment.

LOU Name's Musselman. Hank Musselman. I've got a cool name, huh?

RICK It's a good name. What did you have in mind, Musselman?

LOU I win -- your wife gives me a         blowjob. A classy one. For the first time, Candace looks less than bored. She does a         bad job of feigning disinterest.

RICK All right, buddy, fuck off.

LOU You win -- you can kill me. Any way you want. Knife, gun, torch, sword... I'll even make a video exonerating you.

RICK Yeah, right...

LOU I'm serious. You look like a man who has everything. Except the license to kill. Care to gamble? Rick looks at Lou long and hard. Lou doesn't flinch.

74.

RICK 37 seconds?

LOU Exactly.

RICK You have a deal. As Rick and Lou shake hands, Candace makes a show of looking offended.

RICK (CONT'D)

(TO CANDACE) Don't worry, babe. This yahoo's         made a wager he can't possibly win. Lou picks up another HANDFUL of bar snacks. He puts them in         his mouth and shows it to Rick.

LOU

(MOUTH FULL) Look. Who am I? I'm your wife. Nuts in my mouth. Get it?

(TO CANDACE) I like it slow and romantic.

EXT. PET STORE - DAY

Nick leaves a pet store, carrying a BOX OF KITTENS. On the street, he accidentally bumps into one of the Japanese businessmen from the night before. He has a THICK ACCENT, like Gedde Watanabe in "Gung Ho."

NICK Oh, sorry man.

(NOTICES HIM) Hey! How's that iPod working out for you?

JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN Oh, it's a very nice toy.

NICK If you like that, I've got a phone back at the lodge that will knock your socks off.

JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN I wish I could see it. But I am on         my way to a very important business meeting.

75.

NICK Oh yeah? More important than Bluetooth?

JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN My associates and I are co- financing a... how do you say it...         supermarket business.

NICK

(SUSPICIOUS) You're not going to Boston, by any chance?

JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN Yes! Boston! We leave tonight.

NICK You're gonna franchise out the Gelman's Mom and Pop!

JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN Yes! How do you know this? Nick puts his arm around the guy and walks down the street.

NICK Walk with me a minute. Let me tell you about some companies you should really be looking into...

INT. THE DECK - DAY

Tad, Chaz, and Jacob enjoy drinks on a deck overlooking the mountain ski slopes.

CHAZ You really are a gas, Jacob. Tad and I think you're the cat's         pajamas.

JACOB Thanks. I like you guys, too. A THIRD DOUCHEBAG arrives and gives a SECRET HANDSHAKE to Tad and Chaz. He drops off a PILL BOTTLE. This is GEOFFREY (pronounced JOFF-rey).

GEOFFREY Gentlemen.

76.

TAD Geoffrey, please meet Jacob. Excuse his Jewish name. He really quite exceeds it. Jacob looks confused by that, as Geoffrey shakes his hand.

GEOFFREY Jacob, would you like some too? He offers a pill bottle.

JACOB What is it?

CHAZ Rohypnol. Geoffrey's father is a         pharmacist, but we don't hold that against him.

JACOB Rohypnol?

TAD You slip it to a chick who won't go         to third. Give it an hour and you'll be rounding home.

JACOB

(SURPRISED) This is a date rape drug.

GEOFFREY

(LAUGHS) What the fuck is date rape?

JACOB These are roofies!

CHAZ Roofies... I like that!

TAD Yeah, it takes the clinical name right out of it. It sounds so         fresh, chicks might even take it          voluntarily!

(TO JACOB) Hey, can we use that? Jacob looks beside himself.

77.

EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - AFTERNOON

A GUY and a GIRL are using the hot tub, which is still hot and bubbly, despite the fact that it isn't plugged in. Nick and Lou sit at the table, as Adam approaches with CATS.

ADAM I got regular cats. I figured maybe the kitten was a fluke. Nick takes the box out of his hands and puts it down.

NICK Come here. He leads Adam near the tub, where Lou points at something.

LOU There!

ADAM What am I looking at? It's some kind of stain.

LOU Smell it.

ADAM I'm not smelling it.

LOU

(NODS ENCOURAGINGLY) Smell the stain. Adam puts his nose up against the stain and SNIFFS. He         recognizes something, but can't put his finger on it.

ADAM What is that?

NICK Red Bull.

GUY IN TUB Hey, you fellas mind? I'm trying to get a handjob here.

INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - AFTERNOON

Our guys sit and absorb the impact of what they've learned.

78.

ADAM So you're telling me that Red Bull plus hot tub equals time travel?

LOU

(NODS PROUDLY) Mmm hmm. Hank Musselman's getting the Nobel Prize.

ADAM Who the fuck is Hank Musselman?

NICK There was just enough Red Bull for the kitten. Not nearly enough for a human. It's a weight distribution thing.

ADAM How did you even figure this out?

LOU Scientific method.

NICK He bet me 20 dollars I wouldn't         lick the stain.

LOU I thought it was some guy's jizz.

ADAM What's wrong with you?

LOU It worked, didn't it?

NICK Yeah, except one little problem. There's no Red Bull in 1987. For a moment, they're all bummed again. Then Adam gets an         encouraged look on his face.

ADAM Yes there is! Come on! Adam heads for the door, as Lou and Nick follow.

EXT. BUNNY SLOPE - DAY

Jennie instructs a group of TEENAGERS on the basics of         skiing, as Adam approaches, with Nick and Lou in tow.

79.

JENNIE

(CONCERNED) You can't be here. If Blaine sees you, he'll snap your neck. I told him I blew you and he's not happy.

ADAM Why would you do that?! Behind Adam, Nick looks at the group of TEENS and his eyes almost BUG OUT. He elbows Lou.

NICK (whispers, teeth clenched) Look. Lou looks to where Nick is looking: YOUNG ADAM, YOUNG NICK, and YOUNG LOU wait with other kids for Jennie to return to their lesson.

LOU Holy shit! Lou immediately approaches the kids, even as Nick tries to         hold him back.

NICK

(TEETH CLENCHED) where the fuck are you going?! Lou walks right up to his YOUNGER SELF and looks himself square in the face.

YOUNG LOU What the hell do you want, old man? Lou PUNCHES his YOUNGER SELF in the face. Young Nick and Young Adam are freaked out, as is regular Nick. Adam doesn't         notice, as he's arguing with Jennie.

YOUNG LOU (CONT'D)         What the fuck, dude?! I think you broke my nose! My parents are gonna sue the shit out of you!

LOU Herschel and Evelyn aren't gonna do         a damn thing. They're losers.

YOUNG LOU How do you know my parents?

80.

LOU Listen to me. Start putting minoxidil on your scalp. Tonight. Then, when Propecia comes on the market, start taking it. Every day. Hair is important.

YOUNG LOU I don't give a shit about hair.

LOU You will! (leans in, quietly) Or I'll tell everyone about how you jerked off to that issue of         Playgirl.

YOUNG LOU

(QUIETLY) It was confusing! There were naked people and it had "girl" in the title!

LOU Hey, you don't have to justify to         me, pal.

YOUNG LOU

(FREAKED OUT) Who are you?

LOU I'm God.

ON ADAM AND JENNIE

JENNIE Fine. You wanna see Blaine? It's         your funeral. He's in the warehouse at the end of Lawrence. Good luck.

EXT. MOUNTAIN - DAY

Adam walks off the mountain with Nick and Lou.

LOU Moment of truth. Lou takes off his hat and feels his scalp - no hair.

81.

LOU (CONT'D)

(LOOKS BACK) That fucker! Just then, Lou's NOSE SLIGHTLY SHIFTS, the result of being broken and never fixed. It stays this wa for the rest of         the movie. Lou touches his nose.

LOU (CONT'D)         Oh, that's just great. Jacob runs up, in a friendlier disposition.

JACOB Hey guys!

ADAM I thought you were with douche patrol.

JACOB Yeah I was. But it turned out those guys are date rapists.

ADAM Ah.

NICK Adam, where are we going? Adam gets a look of determination again.

ADAM To get my bag. We get that, we         have the Red Bull, and our ticket home.

LOU Yes! The race is on!

ADAM What race?

LOU Duh, it's 1987? We're at a ski resort?

(SHAKES HEAD) Disputes like these are settled with a downhill ski race. Usually at dawn. It's the law.

82.

ADAM You're an idiot.

INT. WAREHOUSE - AFTERNOON

Adam and the guys step into a warehouse. WET FLOOR, CHAINS hanging from the ceiling for no reason, STEAM rising from grates. As they enter, Chaz pulls down a large GARAGE DOOR. Up ahead, Blaine sits on some CRATES with Tad.

BLAINE Welcome to my lair.

ADAM You live here?

NICK Yeah, this is kind of a shitty place to live.

BLAINE I don't live here. Adam approaches Blaine, trying to speak maturely.

ADAM Look. Blaine. I think we got off on the wrong foot. You have some issue with me.

BLAINE You get blown by my girl? I'll say that's one hell of an issue.

LOU Whoa! You got blown?!

ADAM She didn't blow me. She lied to         you to make you jealous. I'm not trying to steal Jennie. I just wanna get my bag.

BLAINE Oh, your bag. I was wondering when you'd come around for that. Tad holds up the BACKPACK over by the crates.

ADAM Yeah, I'll just take it and get out of your way.

83.

BLAINE You will? Adam EXTENDS HIS HAND.

ADAM Whattya say? Can we work this out like gentlemen? Blaine PULLS A KNIFE. Tad and Chaz also PULL KNIVES.

NICK What is this town's obsession with knives?

BLAINE

(MENACING) How about I work this out like... a         butcher? Just then, LIGHT SPILLS INTO THE DARK WAREHOUSE. A GUY in a         polo shirt stands in a dooorway.

GUY IN POLO SHIRT Hey! Scumbuckets! Back to work! Like naughty children being caught red handed, Blaine and his goons lose the knives and hustle toward the open door. Blaine grabs the backpack from Tad. Adam and the guys follow through the door and into --

INT. SUNGLASS HUT - DAY

Adam, Nick, Lou, and Jacob are confused, as Blaine, Chaz, and Tad spring to action, helping CUSTOMERS choose sunglasses. Jacob approaches Tad and Chaz, who look embarrassed.

JACOB You guys are posers! You're not better than me!

TAD Jacob, I wish you hadn't seen us         like this. Adam stands near Blaine, who helps a WOMAN.

BLAINE

(TO WOMAN) These would look so good with your light complexion.

84.

ADAM Listen asshole! I want my bag!

BLAINE

(TO WOMAN) Will you excuse me for a moment? Blaine walks behind the COUNTER and SHOVES THE BAG in a SAFE.

BLAINE (CONT'D)         Safe's on a timer. It'll open tomorrow. We race at dawn. Winner gets the bag. Loser leaves town. Lou turns to Nick.

LOU See? I told you!

ADAM

(TO BLAINE) I don't wanna race you.

BLAINE Then I guess you don't want your bag.

(SMIRKS) See you at dawn.

ADAM Your girlfriend sucks one hell of a         mean dick. Adam makes a SLURPING SOUND and Blaine fumes.

EXT. HAVENHURST MAIN DRAG - LATE AFTERNOON

Nick, Lou, and Jacob walk behind Adam, who looks pissed.

NICK What are we gonna do?

LOU That chick blew you?!

ADAM

(INTENSE) I've got a race to win. Europe's "The Final Countdown" begins playing over a MONTAGE: -- Skis are sharpened.

85.         -- Gear is polished. -- In the SUITE, Adam gets dressed in his GEAR. -- On a SMALL HILL, Jacob demonstrates some moves on skis. Adam doesn't get it. He's keeps falling. -- On the hill, Jacob teaches Adam how to SNOWBOARD. Adam is         having an easier time standing up on the snowboard. -- The guys keep Adam awake and use a homemade SCALE MODEL of         the mountain to formulate a plan, a la Iron Eagle. -- Back on the hill, Jacob and Adam snowboard next to each other. Adam makes it by a couple of obstacles. Jacob looks proud of him. -- The guys play an ATARI SKI GAME, trying out a strategy. Jacob uses a POINTER, looking disappointed. -- On the hill, Adam easily maneuvers by a few trees on the snowboard, kicking up snow and HIGH-FINING Jacob.

EXT. MOUNTAIN / TOP - DAWN

SLO-MO HERO SHOT of our four guys, as they ascend the top of         the mountain. If we didn't know any better, it would look like Tony Scott directed a ski movie.

END MONTAGE.

EXT. MOUNTAIN / TOP - DAY

A few yards away from Nick and Lou, Adam sits on the ground, as Jacob helps him strap into the snowboard.

JACOB Just stick to the plan and you're         gonna be fine. Adam looks at Jacob seriously for a moment.

ADAM Jacob, I'm sorry for not always being the big brother I should've         been. I was away at college, Mom gave you my Sega - there were a         whole host of issues. Jacob nods and speaks genuinely to Adam too.

86.

JACOB I know. I'm sorry too. I put a         few things before my family and took my guilt out on you. (puts it together) I guess it was an inevitable I'd         end up part of a roofie ring. Adam smiles and extends his hand.

ADAM Friends? Jacob takes Adam's hand and helps him to his feet.

JACOB Brothers. They EMBRACE. Lou looks disgusted.

LOU Gay. Blaine and his goons approach from below. Adam puts on his game face.

ADAM I didn't think you guys would show.

BLAINE This was my idea.

ADAM It's gonna make my victory taste all the more sweeter. Like a Peach Snapple.

BLAINE A what?

ADAM You'll see. Blaine actually looks rattled, as the two men get lined up. Adam is on a SNOWBOARD.

BLAINE What's that?

ADAM You're not afraid of getting beat by a guy on a skateboard, are you?

87.

BLAINE I've seen you in action. You're         reckless and terrible.

ADAM Reckless and terrible's my middle name. Because I feel the need... (pulls on goggles) for speed! Chaz holds out his arm as a starting line.

ADAM (CONT'D)         Catch ya at the bottom.

CHAZ

3, 2, 1... GO! Blaine takes off down the mountain like a professional skiier, which he pretty much is. Adam looks toward Jacob, who demonstrates the proper CROUCH. Adam slowly picks up         speed, starting at about one mile per hour. Blaine looks back and can't believe how easily he's gonna coast to victory.

ADAM Here goes nothing. Instead of weaving back and forth, Adam just stays in the crouch, PICKING UP SPEED. He recklessly PASSES BLAINE, despite the many TREES and OBSTACLES on the course. He BEARS DOWN AND TRAVELS LIKE A BOLT OF LIGHTNING! Blaine finds the guts to alter his STYLE, skiing more recklessly too. He begins catching up to Adam. Blaine skis up next to Adam - they're both going full force.

BLAINE You can't beat me! I was born on         this mountain!

ADAM I was born in a hospital like a         normal baby! Adam bends down and picks up even more speed, NARROWLY MISSING trees and rocks. Blaine tries to keep up. Adam has the finish line in his sights, when he rolls the dice once too often. His SNOWBOARD GETS SNAGGED on a rock and Adam TUMBLES TO THE GROUND.

88.         The SNOWBOARD FLIES OFF INTO THE AIR!

CUT TO:

EXT. MOUNTAIN / BASE - DAY

Phil stands against a SHED, as a GUY THROWS A HATCHET at him, just narrowly missing his arm. Phil FLEXES HIS MUSCLES, as a

HOT CHICK KISSES HIM. Then the SNOWBOARD FLIES INTO FRAME and SLICES OFF PHIL'S         ARM, sending BLOOD SPLATTER EVERYWHERE!

PHIL Ahhhh! My arm!!!

EXT. MOUNTAIN / TOP - DAY - SAME TIME

Lou watches with BINOCULARS and PUMPS HIS FIST.

LOU Yes!

EXT. MOUNTAIN - RACE - DAY

As Adam tumbles on the ground, Blaine smiles, thinking he has the victory in the bag. But instead of stopping, Adam picks up speed, as he TUMBLES LIMB OVER LIMB, like a snowball going down the mountain. With 50 YARDS to go, Blaine bears down and tries to catch Adam. It's gonna be close. At the FINISH LINE, Adam's CRUMPLED BODY passes the line first. Blaine pulls up, pissed off to lose the race. Adam's momentum carries him forward another 50 yards, where he SMASHES INTO A DECK and finally comes to a stop.

CUT TO:

A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE POPS!

INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - LATE AFTERNOON

A large "BON VOYAGE" BANNER hangs in the room.

89.         An ALL-OUT PARTY is going on in the guys' suite. GUESTS party everywhere, helping the guys celebrate. Sandy and Michelle flirt with the two dudes who took brief possession of the Towel Guy yesterday. The Coke Guy from the gondola talks with the Brew Haus Waitress. Adam's leg is in a CAST, as he sits at a table with Jacob, Nick, and Lou. The OPEN BACKPACK is in front of them. They DRINK and TOAST.

NICK You did it, man.

ADAM Ah, it was nothing. I just fell down the mountain.

NICK It was a beautiful fall. Lou goes into Adam's backpack and pulls out the SANDWICH, which he begins unwrapping.

ADAM

(DISGUSTED) Tell me you are not going to keep eating that. Lou takes a bite and SHRUGS.

LOU Chicken parm. It's my favorite.

ADAM Chicken parm? Adam takes the sandwich from Lou. He looks at it closely.

ADAM (CONT'D)

(LAUGHS) Chicken parm. On this roll. The guys look confused, as Adam stares at the sandwich.

JACOB Adam, what is it?

FLASHBACK TO:

90.

INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Adam and Lily nervously make eye contact at the front of the restaurant, as a SNOOTY HOST shakes his head.

ADAM (V.0.) It was our first date. You know those nights that are just perfect? This wasn't one of those nights.

INT. MOVIE THEATER - DARK

Adam and Lily sit through "From Justin to Kelly," the American Idol movie. They don't enjoy themselves.

EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT

Adam inspects a HUGE DENT in the side of his car. As he does so, a car drives by, SPLASHING A PUDDLE on Lily.

ADAM (V.0.) If Lily knew where we were, I'm         sure she would've walked home. And I wouldn't have blamed her.

EXT. ITALIAN DELI - NIGHT

In the RAIN, Adam and Lily run toward the entrance of a         little deli. Inside the doorway, a LITTLE OLD WOMAN shakes her head no. Adam pleads with his eyes and she lets them in.

INT. ITALIAN DELI - NIGHT

Adam and Lily sit and talk animatedly at the counter in the small, empty deli, eating SANDWICHES.

ADAM (V.0.) We were so hungry by the time we         found that deli, we would've eaten anything. So what if it wasn't         foie gras and pino noir. It was chicken parm and Italian soda. And it couldn't have been more perfect.

BACK TO:

INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - DAY

The guys enjoy listening to Adam's story.

91.

NICK That sandwich was special, huh?

ADAM You could say that. You could also say it gave me horrible diarrhea.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. ADAM'S APARTMENT / BATHROOM - NIGHT

Adam SHITS HIS BRAINS OUT. When it looks like. he might be         done, he turns around and VOMITS into the toilet.

INT. ADAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Lily waits by the bathroom door with some PEPTO and a GLASS OF WATER. She looks very concerned.

ADAM (V.0.) Lily had every opportunity to         leave. She didn't know me at all and she certainly didn't owe me         anything after the night I put her through. But she stayed.

INT. ADAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Adam lays on the couch, his head in Lily's lap. She feeds him a little GATORADE. He keeps it down... for a moment. Then he turns and VOMITS into a BUCKET on the floor.

ADAM (V.0.) She saw me at my worst and she stayed. Lily holds the bucket, as Adam pukes into it.

BACK TO:

INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - DAY

Nick, Lou, and Jacob look sick.

ADAM Don't you see? This is more than a         sandwich. It represents all that shit. All that puke.

92.

LOU Keep the sandwich.

JACOB This is disgusting.

ADAM She gave me this as a reminder of         her love.

(THINKS) Or to give me horrible diarrhea so         I didn't leave the room during the bachelor party. But mostly as a         reminder of her love. Adam holds up the sandwich.

ADAM (CONT'D)         This is the reason I need to go          home. Adam stands up and walks toward the door with the sandwich.

ADAM (CONT'D)         I'm gonna go prep the tub. Lou holds up a BAG OF CHIPS.

LOU Do you have any stories about these chips or can I eat them?

EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - CONTINUOUS

Adam walks outside, taking a bite of the SANDWICH. He finds Jennie waiting in the TUB.

JENNIE There you are!

ADAM Jennie! What are you doing here?

JENNIE Making good on a rumor. Jennie STANDS UP in the tub and she's TOPLESS. Adam DROPS THE SANDWICH, shocked.

ADAM Whoa.

93.         Jennie continues talking, shamelessly exposing herself.

JENNIE When I saw you win that race against Blaine, everything changed for me. I realize now that I         deserve more. I deserve a winner.

(SEDUCTIVE) Come and get your prize. Adam reaches next to the tub and hands her a ROBE.

ADAM Yeah, I... can't.         She covers up, embarrassed.

JENNIE Oh my god. I missed my         opportunity.

ADAM No, I'm not sure there ever was an         opportunity. Jennie, you're         terrific. You've brought me so         many moments of joy, you'll never know. But I shouldn't have given you the wrong idea. Jennie looks sad and vulnerable, as Adam talks.

ADAM (CONT'D)         The truth is there's a girl I need to go see. We have plans to spend the rest of our lives together. And I can't wait any longer. (listening to himself) And I'm totally cool with it. Adam smiles, feeling the rush of knowing he's ready. But then he sees how sad Jennie is. He moves closer to her.

ADAM (CONT'D)         One day, you're going to find the right guy who's willing to give up         everything and travel across time and space for your love. She nods and tears up a little bit, as Adam HUGS her.

JENNIE

(EMOTIONAL) I would totally blow you right now.

94.

ADAM I know you would.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - LATER THAT AFTERNOON

The guys stare at the tub, which continues to bubble, even though it's not plugged in.

NICK We don't have to go yet, Adam. Things are just getting fun.

JACOB And we can do whatever we want without any real consequences. That's a lot to give up.

ADAM

(NODS) That's how I know I'm doing the right thing. Adam reaches in his backpack, but can't find the Red Bull. He turns it inside out and shakes it -- nothing.

JACOB Where's the Red Bull?

BLAINE (V.0.) You looking for this? Across the patio, a drunk, disheveled Blaine holds the CAN.

BLAINE (CONT'D)         You couldn't leave well enough alone, could ya? You couldn't just win the race and call it a day? You had to have Jennie too.

ADAM I don't want Jennie.

BLAINE That's funny. I don't want this soda, either. Blaine smiles like an asshole. Adam's face goes desperate, as Blaine OPENS THE CAN and DRINKS THE WHOLE THING.

ADAM Nooooo!

95.         Adam runs at Blaine and tackles him to the ground. On the ground, Adam BEATS THE LIVING HELL out of Blaine, messing up         his face. It makes the Jared Leto scene from Fight Club look tame. Eventually, Adam's friends pull him off. Adam crawls to the Red Bull can and it's empty.

ADAM (CONT'D)

(DESPERATE) Why? Lou takes Blaine's pulse.

LOU Holy shit! You may have killed this guy! No wait... wait... I've         got a pulse. Eh, so much for that. Nick puts his hand on Adam's shoulder.

NICK I'm sorry man. I'm really sorry.

ADAM The Red Bull's gone. He fucked us.

JACOB Not necessarily. Everyone looks toward Jacob.

JACOB (CONT'D)         The Red Bull isn't really gone. (points to Blaine) It's in him. A beat, as everyone sorta gets it.

NICK It's worth a shot.

TIME CUT TO:

EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - MOMENTS LATER

Adam, Nick, and Jacob sit in the tub. Adam crosses his fingers. Lou stands outside the tub, fully dressed.

ADAM Come on, Lou.

96.

LOU Nah, I'll take a rain check.

NICK What are you talking about?

LOU Listen, your lives at home sound all beautiful and happy with your barbecues and swimming pools and "oh, that sandwich reminds of some         gay shit I did one time." Adam and Nick don't look thrilled to be reduced to this.

LOU (CONT'D)         But my life back there sucks. And in case you haven't noticed, my         life here fucking rules. So I have a coke problem? I'll go to rehab. I have no money? I'll stop winning sex and start winning dollars. Lou DRAGS BLAINE by the foot closer to the tub.

LOU (CONT'D)         Guys, I was tailor-made for 1987. And you'll excuse me, but I value banging young chicks way more than all of your friendships combined.

(THEN) No offense. Adam, Nick, and Jacob kinda nod and understand.

ADAM Yeah, no, I get it. Lou goes around and gives them all hugs.

NICK Makes perfect sense, man. Lou squeezes Jacob's shoulder.

LOU I don't hate you as much as I used to.

JACOB (a little emotional) I hate you a little less also. Lou LIFTS BLAINE'S LIMP BODY.

97.

ADAM OK, whenever you're ready, Lou.

LOU One small step for man! One giant asshole puking in a hot tub! Here goes nothing! Lou does the HEIMLICH MANEUVER on Blaine. It takes ONE...         TWO... THREE THRUSTS until Blaine PUKES IN THE TUB! For a         second, it's just a BIG SPLASH of VOMIT and nothing else.

NICK OK, well maybe if we-- A BRIGHT FLASH CONSUMES THE SCREEN! And when it dies down, we see Adam, Nick, Jacob (and the floating puke) in the hot tub where we left them. Only Lou is missing.

ADAM What happened? Did it work?

NICK I didn't feel anything.

JACOB

(DISAPPOINTED) Guys, look. They see PEOPLE walking by, wearing COLORFUL FLARED-OUT SKI ATTIRE. The place looks the same as it did two seconds ago.

NICK Dammit. Even the deck furniture's         the same. We fucking blew it. It         didn't work.

ADAM Where's Lou?

LOU (O.S.) Right on schedule! Lou walks toward them, but there's a lot that's "off" about him, including HAIR PLUGS, JEWELRY, and a SHITLOAD OF PLASTIC SURGERY (including a fixed NOSE) that makes him look at once older and younger.

NICK Ahhh!

98.

LOU Oh, the face, eh? I was curious how you'd react.

(DISAPPOINTED) Didn't think you'd be scared.

ADAM Lou?

LOU You're damn right it's me.

ADAM What happened?

LOU You just traveled 23 years in three seconds. Took me 23 years. It's         good to see you guys!

JACOB We're back? It all looks the same.

LOU It better! You know how much I pay the groundspeople around here? A         lot. But that's all right, I'm         fucking loaded. Look at all this. Everyone looks confused.

ADAM Will you fill in some of the blanks for me, please?

LOU I'll give you the short version, because time is of the essence. First of all, to settle an old bet, time most definitely has been moving forward. It is exactly three days since you've arrived here in beautiful Havenhurst. Jacob looks at Nick.

JACOB Told you.

LOU Secondly, I'm filthy rich. Made sports bets. Sued Ace of Base. I         own most of V          ermont. (MORE)

99.

LOU (CONT'D)         I've been reimagining the state as          my own personal playground. You could say I'm a little bit like Michael Jackson, except I don't         fuck kids. Two YOUNG HOTTIES walk by and wave at Lou.

LOU (CONT'D)         I do fuck them, though. Haven't         gone above 24 years old in 10 years and even then, it was a mistake.

(REMEMBERING) A horrible mistake.

ADAM Wait, fuck, Lou what time is it?

LOU Way ahead of you, Adam. You have 2 hours to get to New Jersey in time for your rehearsal dinner.

ADAM

(DISAPPOINTED) Great, I blew it.

LOU Not even a little bit. I have a         helicopter waiting in the parking lot and a private jet on my         airfield five minutes away. The guys look stunned.

LOU (CONT'D)         I had some time to plan. God, it's         good to have you guys back!

EXT. PRIVATE AIRFIELD - AFTERNOON

Lou's private jet takes off from the runway.

INT. PRIVATE JET - AFTERNOON

The guys sit back and enjoy the plush surroundings and the beautiful FLIGHT ATTENDANTS aboard Lou's jet.

LOU By the way, Adam, I hope you don't         mind. Right after you left, I         fucked Jennie silly.

100.

ADAM Why would she have sex with you?

LOU You get the big time assist. All that talk of her finding the right guy who's willing to give up         everything? Made her wetter than a         log flume.

(SMILES) She's all-time top five.

ADAM Good to hear.

NICK Lou, I gotta ask you something.

LOU Time travel paradox.

NICK Exactly. Aren't there now two of         you living here in 2010?

LOU Think really hard about that one. What happened to me when I was 19? Nick shrugs. He looks at Adam. Suddenly, both their eyes nearly pop out of their skulls.

NICK No way...

ADAM You went missing and were never found.

LOU Yeah, you're gonna have some lingering memories of both versions.

ADAM Wait a minute, what happened to...         you know. Other Lou.

LOU You don't wanna know.

ADAM Lou...

101.

LOU The kid sucked, OK? He couldn't         take even a little bit of          direction. Pretty soon I realized that having two versions of the same dude walking around -- as cool as that sounds -- didn't make very much sense to me.

NICK

OK?

LOU So I took care of the problem.

NICK What did you do?

LOU I had to do it.

ADAM What did you do?

LOU I killed myself.

ADAM Jesus Christ.

LOU Yeah, it was really some existential shit. I mean, here I         am committing homicide and I'm          actually committing suicide.

NICK How could you?

LOU It was easy actually. For a         minute, I thought I might be          dealing with that whole Timecop thing. You know, the same matter can't occupy the same space at the same time bullshit and we both go         poof? Especially after that whole nose thing. But no, it was just a         murder. I didn't suffer.

ADAM I don't wanna hear any more.

102.

LOU It was strangulation.

ADAM I don't wanna hear any more! They sit in horrified silence for a bit.

LOU You'll have to introduce me when we         get there. Your families won't         know me. Although I'm sure they're         huge fans.

(ABRUPT) So hey, getting married, huh? Taking the plunge! Adam looks disturbed. Nick looks confused.

NICK This makes no sense at all.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Lily looks beautiful, surrounded by FAMILY and FRIENDS. Still, she looks distant and lonely. Until -- A LILY (the flower) comes into frame. Lily smiles and stands up. She turns around. Adam's         standing there with a whole bouquet of flowers. Lily gives him a BIG HUG AND KISS. When she's done:

LILY Don't you ever let me take your phone again!

ADAM

(COY) I'm here on time. Just like I         promised. Nick sits down next to COURTNEY and Jacob takes his seat.

ADAM (CONT'D)         (no nerves at all) I'm so happy to see you and I can't         wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

LILY

(TEARFUL) Me too!

103.

ADAM You're the one. Lily notices Adam's on CRUTCHES.

LILY Oh my god, what happened?

LOU (O.S.) My fault entirely, madam! The room is ABUZZ with CHATTER, as Lou makes a nearly REGAL ENTRANCE, wearing a WHITE TUXEDO.

GUY AT TABLE Hey, it's Lou Blustein! The whole room APPLAUDS Lou, as he walks in. Adam and the guys can't believe it.

LOU I was partaking in a little ski adventure and I mistakenly wandered into your fiance's path. His broken leg is my broken heart. My         most humble apologies. Lou scrapes and bows and regally kisses Lily's hand. She looks genuinely flattered. Lou gets up and whispers to Adam.

LOU (CONT'D)         See? I'm awesome here. You shoulda stayed out of that tub.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT - LATER

Nick SLOW DANCES with Courtney.

NICK I was thinking we'd invite Adam and Lily over for dinner when they get back from their honeymoon. That's... if it's OK with you?

COURTNEY Why wouldn't it be OK with me? That sounds nice.

(SMILES)

(MORE)

104.

COURTNEY (CONT'D)         You look so good in this shirt, by          the way. Nice choice. She puts her head on Nick's shoulder as they dance.

NICK So... how are your parents?

COURTNEY Still working hard. I really wish they could retire already, but it's         tough competing with the big chains. I mean, they just have the one store...

FLASHBACK TO:

EXT. HAVENHURST MAIN DRAG - 1987 - DAY

The Japanese Businessman is on a PAY PHONE, speaking RAPIDLY in Japanese.

JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN

(IN JAPANESE) Hiro-san! Cancel the paperwork! We have to get back to Tokyo. I         have inside information that undermines the supermarket deal. Nick stands next to him, nodding and SMILING WIDELY.

BACK TO:

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT - PRESENT DAY

Nick enjoys dancing with his mellow, awesome wife.

NICK

(SMILES) You know what they say about hard work. Builds character.

BY THE BAR Adam orders drinks, as his PHONE RINGS. He picks it up and in an instant, JACOB IS STANDING RIGHT BEFORE HIM as a VERY

REALISTIC HOLOGRAM.

ADAM Ahh!

105.

JACOB This is why we shouldn't have sold that iPod. Adam puts his hand through Jacob, who speaks with purpose.

JACOB (CONT'D)         The Japanese have apparently cornered the technology sector over the past 20 years. We've dealt American businesses quite an         irreparable blow.

ADAM What does that mean for us?

JACOB Pretty much nothing for us         personally. We just get cooler phones and iPods and shit.

ADAM Oh. Great! Jacob CLICKS OFF and disappears, as Lily approaches. Adam can't help but beam from ear to ear.

ADAM (CONT'D)         You're so beautiful.

LILY I know you were only gone for a         couple days, but I missed you so          much. Adam takes her hand.

ADAM Come on, let's get out of here. We         have unfinished business. Lily smiles. She gets into it.

LILY It's about time. OK, what's the fantasy?

ADAM

(GENUINE) How about you're the woman I love and I'm the man of your dreams?

LILY Booor-ing!!

106.

ADAM OK, you're a nurse and a snake bit my penis.

LILY Done and done. They bolt for the door and we

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT - LATER

The party is winding down and only a FEW GUESTS remain. At a         table in the corner, Lou has an EXTENDED MAKE OUT SESSION with a STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL GIRL in her early 20s. They finally come up for air.

LOU So you're friends with the bride?

BEAUTIFUL GIRL Can you keep a secret? I'm         actually kinda crashing the party.

LOU Naughty girl. You're secret's safe with me.

BEAUTIFUL GIRL I'm just in town for a couple of         nights. I'm actually looking for my father. We've never met.

LOU I'm from here. Maybe I know him.

BEAUTIFUL GIRL His name is Hank Musselman. For a moment, Lou's expression FREEZES. He blinks. Then --

LOU No, never heard of him. He goes back to MAKING OUT WITH HER and we:

FADE OUT.

THE END