Best Burger

I want to give a big Chuck Charles thanks to all you little people for coming down to this year's Wharf It Down Food Festival, which, for so many years, has been a strange, slightly sad event, where artisans try to sell specialty foods. But not this year, thanks to me, Chuck Charles, and our 1st Annual Best Burger Contest! Now, we've met our contestants, we've explained the rules of this really, truly, simple event. But the only thing we haven't done is start the clock. Here we go All right, Bob. Let's do it, let's win! Win! Win! Win! Lin, please, Let's go! take it down a notch, okay? Or five? Kids, come on, cheer for your father. Cheer! Cheer! Cheer! Lin, stop. Cheer. Dad, big smile, big energy! That's it, doll. Hey, you're sweating too much already, buddy. Pace yourself. Go, Mom and Dad! I mean, stay there and cook, don't go anywhere. Sorry if I'm being confusing. Okay, come on. Go! Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook! Let's check in with our contestants. Skip Marooch! Uh, am I saying that right? Yes, Skip. Great! So, you're from Pakistan, you've got a successful restaurant, you're on a book tour. Guy, what can't you do? Complain everything is going so well. This guy. So, what are you making today? I already love you. Well, today, I will be making a pomegranate and green chili chutney burger with my grandmother's special spice blend. Yum and yum. She always told me, "Put spice on everything. " She also said, "I hate Mondays," but she never got credit for that. I would love to meet her. Ah, too late. Oh. Sheesh. I know we're here for Bob, but it's hard to root against that guy. He is likeable. Shush! I can't hear them cooking. Skip Marooch I can't believe we're competing against that guy. He has a book; I read it. I mean, I mostly read it. I looked at all the pictures. Uh, why did I think this was a good idea? You know what? I'm signing up. We're doing it! Do it! We're doing it! This feels good! Do it! Quiet! I don't know what kind of "doing it" you're talking about, but you're too loud! I really hate contests. This is why we made a "no signing up for things while drunk" rule. Wha? Gene never would've taken ballet. Look at Skip over there. I-I don't think we can win this. It's-it's like I'm Rocky and he's Apollo Creed. That's good! Rocky always won. Rocky lost in the first movie, Lin. Oh But he walked up all those stairs. That's not fair. And let's get a few words with Bob "The Slob" Belcher. Hi. That's not my nickname. Well, it is now, everyone heard it. Bob and I have a bit of a history, folks. I graciously allowed him onto my morning talk show, and in turn, he got me fired! I didn't get you fired. Linda did. Hi, Chuck. So, what stupid burger are you making, Bob? Okay, well, it's not stupid; It's smart. I call it the Bet It All on Black Garlic Burger. It's made with Stupid name. What? Stupid name. It's not Oh, my God. I-It's made with black garlic. Uh it's a fermented garlic; It comes from Korea. Don't blame Korea for your stupid burger, Bob. Not fair to them or burgers. I-I'm not blaming them The Stupid Black Garlic Burger. Put it up on the screen. Oh, my God. Eh, we made it up. Look, we're on the screen. Chuck hates us. No It's okay, I hate him, too. God, this was a bad idea. No It's fun. It's fun Over here, we have the Prince of Pizza trying to become the Chancellor of Cheeseburgers Jimmy Pesto. Thank you, Chuck. Uh, Jimmy Pesto's is known for our family-friendly atmosphere, festive drink specials and Italian-flavored foods. All right A-A-And after I win this contest today, we're also gonna be known for our Oregano Burger! All right! And what's in that? Just a ton of oregano. The Big O! Don't say "Big O. " What? A all right, I won't say anything, then, ever. Sounds horrible. I guess it's just us and Skip here. All right, time to break out the black garlic. Lin? You got it! It's not in here. Wait. What? Not in the cooler. It's empty. Oh, crap. Oh, crap. Oh, crap. Oh, crap, crap, crap. Crap! Gene, can you go to the kitchen and grab the black garlic? On it! What color is it? - It's black, Gene. - Yup. Wait. What's black? The garlic. On the counter. In the kitchen? Where I am? - Are you?! - I think so. Well, then, yes, on the counter. Okay. I feel really good about this, Dad. I feel great about it. Way to go, everybody. Gene! Dad?! What are we doing? I asked Gene to get the black garlic from the kitchen the single most important ingredient in my recipe and we're looking at an empty cooler! Okay, don't freak out. Hi. Hi, everyone. Hi. Hi. Hello. I'm not freaking out! He's fine. He's he's silly. Just put something else on the burger. What about a Oh, a-a granola bar burger! Half a granola bar burger. Yeah, yeah, let-let's do that. That's a great idea. Great! I'll start chopping it up. Ha, ha, ha! Oh, it's old. Oh, that's okay. That's fine. We can make it. Linda. Oh, my God, I wasn't serious. Look at the screen. It says "Stupid Black Garlic Burger". I'm pretty sure we can't beat Skip Marooch if we don't have black garlic on our black garlic burger! Okay! Geez. Kids! Kids, come here! The answer is yes, you look terrified. Is that the question? Listen! Gene, what did you do with the black garlic? It's not in the cooler! Calm down, Dad. What is black garlic? Ugh! I need you guys to go back to the restaurant, get the black garlic and bring it back here as fast as you possibly can! No problem. It's on my way, anyway, bro. No, no! Tina, Louise, go with your brother. - And hurry! The clock is ticking. - Hmm. Let's talk more about this clock that's ticking. Tick, tick. What do want, Louise? Louise?! Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick We never have to work again. You can have the day off tomorrow. Deal! Great. Here. Aah! Don't throw things! We don't throw things! We don't catch them, either. We're not in the circus, Dad. Yeah! Just go! Hey, Belcher boppers! Mickey! Wait, you drive a pedi-cab? I thought you worked at Wonder Wharf. Oh, I just started driving this during festivals and weekends. Make a lot of money hauling around lazies and drunks. We are both. Give us a ride! Hey, you kids don't want a ride from toothpick legs over here. Check out these pedal monsters, huh? Wow. It looks like a bunch of snakes inside a leather armchair. Yup. Back off, Manny. This is my fare. Oh, yeah? Well this is my turf, rookie. Here. Hey! My first turf war! Whoa! Oh, hold on, let me Okay, well, I-I think we'll go old-school pedestrian. See you guys! Good luck with your turf war. Thanks! Whoa! So, Bob, you look sweaty. Think you have what it takes to beat the competition? I personally doubt it. I'm not sweating. Oh, I am. Okay. I, uh, I was just prepping. Normal, everything's fine. We've got all our ingredients, Chuck. All of 'em. Unnecessary information, totally boring. I'm gonna go ahead and talk to Skip. There he is, guy! Tell us more about your grandmother's secret spice blend. All right, well, there is saffron in it. Oh, no, I told you the secret! I have to kill you now! Die, die, die! Warm, charming, and funny, strong hands, to boot! That's why he's got a book and Bob doesn't. Oh. Ah, there you are, my stinky princess! We're getting you out of here! Come with us! Hey, there's my back-scratching spatula! What are you doing in the kitchen? Aah! Gene, you're crushing it! What? Oh, no! My shirt! Aah! You just cost Dad the competition! Forget Dad. You just cost us our day off! Maybe it's still good! I'll scrape it off with my back scratcher. Ooh, it works on your front, too. Mm. What's so hard to understand about, "I saw the black garlic, "but then I saw my spatula back scratcher, "and when I reached for it, your black garlic got smeared all over my belly"? Oh, my God. Gene, put Tina on the phone. She's pretty big. It'd be easier to put the phone on Tina. Gene! This is Tina. Tina, listen to me. Go to your mom's bra drawer and find the cash she thinks is secret. There's no money in there! There's no money. Take $20 and go to that specialty food market on Third. Uh, Fig Jam. Uh aren't there any other places we could go? It's the only place in town that has black garlic. Hurry. We're down to 12 minutes here. Dad hung up on me, but it's okay because I know he loves me, and he says we have to go to Fig Jam. Fig Jam? Fig Jam. We'll take this dark chocolate bar with bacon and red pepper flakes, please. Okay, that'll be $13. What?! No, we're just getting one, so this should cover it. Here you go. Mm. You know, I think you three may be in the wrong store. Perhaps you'd be more comfortable shopping at the gum ball machine at the gas station. Are you kicking us out? No. I am strongly suggesting that you take your business elsewhere, what little of it you have. Hmm. All right. But when a rich john sets me up in style, I'm coming back. And you better hope you don't work on commission. Yeah, where'd you import this chocolate from anyway, your butt? No. Yeah, and where'd you import these sea salt caramel crisps from, your butt? Oh, Belgium. That's it. You're banned. We ban you. Get out of the store! I will not get out of my store! You get out! You are banned! You're banned! You're banned! You're banned! You're banned! You're banned! You're banned! We have to try, guys. If we don't get this black garlic, Dad is going to lose, and our family will be dishonored. It's not like we've got a whole bunch of honor to spare, is it? No. No. Let's go! Oh, wow, Skip Marooch is cooking up something special. It smells good, and he looks good doing it. Scratch that. He looks great. Thank you! Moving on. Let's see how Jimmy Pesto's doing. Done! Ding! Ooh, what? Wow, Jimmy has plated his burgers with ten minutes left. Course, those burgers may get cold before the judges have a chance to Ah! Da-da-da. Oh, okay, brought a little heat lamp with him. Yeah. Heat lamp adds a little flavor. And it keeps my lizard warm! Would you?! Come on! Let's check in on Bob, because we kind of have to. Lots of chopping. His bald spot's getting bigger and shinier. Hair probably falling out all over his food. What a disgusting creature. I'm catching all the hair before it even comes close to the food. God, it is coming out. Your wife is a lucky woman, Bob. Thank you! Maybe he won't recognize us. Banned! Whoa, hey, come on. Let's not do this again. Let's start fresh. What'd you say your name was? I didn't. It's none of your business. Hey, don't look at my nametag. It's Ray. I saw it. Aw, Ray, I love that. Ray of sunshine. Ray of hope. We need some emergency black garlic; It's a black garlic emergency. Oh a black garlic emergency. Yeah, so Well, in that case No! A "no" is just a "yes" upside-down. Get out. We'll pay double. Really? Yes. All right, $16. Aw, that's the ray of greed I remember. Gene, where's the cash? We got to go. Come on, we got to go. A cool older kid with a skateboard asked me for a dollar. So, I gave him the $20 and he's skating right back with the change. Ugh! Gene, you fool. He's not coming back. Never trust a boy with a skateboard. They're too fast. Hey, Ray, friend, uh, new plan: I'm gonna give you Gene, and then I'll take Out now. Banned. Banned! Psst. Psst. Time for Operation Black Garlic Down Freedom. What's that? Hey! We'll come back and pay for it later! Thanks for all your help, Ray! Get back here! Mickey! Hey, kids! Hey. Hi, Ron. Hey, move over, buddy. Aw, sorry, gang, I'm kind of in the middle of a fair here. I was going to the library. Taking a pedi-cab there is my weekly splurge. But we stole something. Oh, why didn't you say so? Where to? Take us to the food festival and step on it! Stop! Ho, ho, ho there, cowboy. I will give you 20 bucks if you catch up to that pedi-cab. Wait, what? You mean that spaghetti-legged fare thief? Uh yes. Oh. Oh, baby. Mickey, you are going down. Okay. Let's get 'em! Whoa! Let me hold the black garlic. I want to apologize for murdering its brother. No, Gene. I don't think that's a good idea. Yeah, we're trying to get a day off here. Wait, why can't I hold the black garlic? It's just that you always I don't want to say "screw everything up," but maybe Louise does? You screw everything up! Wait, me? This Gene Belcher? It's just sometimes you lose focus. Your name is a verb in this family, Gene. We call it "Gene-ing out. " I thought that meant taking off your shorts after a good meal. No. I was Gene-ing out at work the other day. I'm Gene-ing out right now. Mickey, no! Mickey, hey! You're taking us to the food festival as fast you can! Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Oh, my God. I'm a verb. I'm a bad verb. You're a berb. I'm a berb! Eight minutes left until burger judgment day! The kids should've been back by now. We're screwed. Bob, you said you were Rocky. Come on. Start acting like Rocky. Scream "Adrian. " I-I don't want to scream "Adrian. " Scream "Adrian"! Linda, that analogy doesn't work anymore. Rocky's son didn't leave Rocky's boxing gloves at home. Yeah. Rocky's son, huh? Hmm. Well, maybe Eh, forget it. No, what? Wh-What were you gonna say? I'm just saying, you picked our least responsible kid to do the most important thing. Maybe you kind of expected him to screw up. That is ridiculous, Lin. Well forgetting the black garlic sort of lets you off the hook for losing. Like it's not your fault. All of a sudden, you got a built-in excuse for not being the best. That is crazy. That's maybe right? Oh, my God. Oh, it's the kids! "Got garlic. Broke law. You fix later. On our way. 'Smiley face. '" Aw, smiley face! Oh, my God. They got it. They're coming. We're gonna have everything we need. No more excuses. No. I'm terrified. So I was ri Linda, you were right. Yes! Right! Me! Aw, you don't have to say that. It's Ray, and he's either getting bigger or closer. Uh-oh, he's got Manny driving him. Don't worry, I'll slow him down. Oh, that was overdue. Why did I do that? Eh, they're throwing stuff at us. Ah, no throwsies, man! Yeah! No throwsies. We got to get this to dad. Go. Go. Get him. Faster. Faster. I am going! I just want you kids to know, I will fight. I will fight Manny or Ray, but I-I prefer to fight Ray, actually, 'cause he's smaller. Nice. Thanks, Ron. Ah, no problem. There's the contest! Mickey, pedal harder. Mow these people down! Oh, no, a train! Beat it, Mickey! Beat it. Ah, damn it! No! Sorry, kids. You're gonna have to run from here. You guys stay here and block. I'll cut through the crowd like a fart through butter. Let me take the garlic. I need this. This is my redemption song. Bob Marley, give me strength! This is a food festival, Gene. It's a distraction minefield for you. Yeah, Gene. Stay here and help me block Ray. It'll be a block party. Okay. Hey, look, that cloud looks like a dinosaur on a thing. Where? Huh? Aah! I can't believe it! Gene made us Gene out! Oh, yeah, I see it. Okay, Gene. Get this black garlic to dad. Don't lose focus. Ooh, muffins. No, don't lose focus! Hi. I'm Ron. I'm blocking you. Where are those kids? Oh, you mean us? Meet your new cankles, Ray. Hi. Where's the black garlic? You'll never get it. It's too far away, and as we've already said, you're cankled. Don't you cankle me! These are good. These are gonna be good. Linda, be my eyes. You see the kids out there? No, I don't. What do they look like? Oh, God. I'm panicking. I'm panicking. Free cupcake-flavored ice cream, served on a waffle! You're killing me! Pizza tacos. Pizza tacos? Ten for one dollar. Don't you tell me "ten for one dollar. " Robot cake, release your hold on me! So, uh, you work at Fig Jam, huh? I-I-I heard you had great fig jam. Oh, yes, it's delicious. And you'll never know, because you're banned! Aw. Hey, wait a minute. Is anyone even watching Fig Jam right now? Ray, people are probably looting it. A bunch of hippies stuffing truffled cheese in their banjo cases. Hello? Hello? I'm just gonna leave money on the counter. Love your store. Oh, my God. Fig Jam! Fig Jam! That was some mean pedi-cabbing out there, rookie. You got the legs of a mouse but the heart of a lion. My uncle's got the heart of a lion. He got it in Thailand. Thailand, huh? Yeah. They got nice ties in Thailand? I love you, Manny. I'm almost there. Hot Fudge Car Wash. Hot Fudge Car Wash?! No! Oh, it's Gene. Bob, it's Gene. Dad! Gene! I-I'm sorry I screwed up today! I I'm sorry I screw up all the time! No, Gene, you didn't screw up. I screwed up by trusting you. Wait, that came out wrong. I'm confused, are you trying to make me feel better? Yes, I am. Before I give you the black garlic, I just want to say one more thing. There's only 45 seconds left, Gene, so I've always admired you. Just give me the garlic, Gene! We'll talk later! Okay. Thank you. Sorry I snapped. Come on, Bobby. You got your gloves, now time to beat Apollo. Adrian! No, not like that. Say it right. What?! I'm saying it right. Adri I don't have time, Lin. Ten seconds left. Some cooks look like they might not make it. I'm talking about Bob. Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. I got everything ready. Here we go. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Time's up. Hand off your meat, chefs. We finished! We finished the burgers! Hooray for Bob. He managed to somehow do what he does every day for a living. What a champion. That's my Bobby! Chefs. Pre sent your burgers to the judges. Looks like the judges are tasting Jimmy Pesto's burger first. Let's see how he oh, oh, they are spitting it out. Oh, it's cool. Hey, two-for-one pizza night Wednesdays, karaoke Tuesdays, trivia Thursdays. We never card. Come on down! Thank you, Jimmy. Spitting it out bad sign. You can probably go. Ah come on, Trev. Hey, I'm sorry I was so hard on you. Things got a little heated. And not just 'cause of your heat lamp. Ah you said "hard. " I did. Up top. All right, now they're tasting Bob's idiot burger. Get ready for another spit-out. This is fantastic. The meat is seasoned perfectly, and this black garlic is Oh! Oh This has exquisite mouth feel. Bobby, they loved it! That one's creepy, but he loved it. Oh, my God. Did we just win? I mean, they still haven't had Skip's burger, but And now the last, but most likely the best, from the Cinnamon Stallion, Skip Marooch. This is amazing. This chutney is absolutely, mmm, oh Exceptional mouth feel. Hmm. It might be a little closer than I thought. Okay. Okay, Bob. You got a "fantastic" and an "ooh," but he got an "amazing" and a really weird moan. And he liked both your mouth feels. I'd say it's a tight race. And now the judges will deliberate. Cue deliberating music, please. You know what? I did my best, I held my own with Skip, and no matter what happens, Lin, And the winner is Skip Marooch! Oh, my God, I feel bad. Oh-oh. Ah, damn it! Piece of garbage! How could we lose?! Are you kidding me?! Okay. Okay. Ah, it's shaped like a burger! I get it! I'm so excited! Skip Marooch, handsomest chef. What about me? Great emcee. Gonna go have a plate of shrimp, a 20-ounce beer and a massage, from my friend, Hank the masseuse Oh, my God. Sorry you lost, Dad. Maybe if I'd gotten you the black garlic sooner, you would have won. No, no. We made the best burger we could, but we lost, and that's okay. I don't need an excuse. I guess Skip was just more charismatic and likeable, Dad. That's right. No! I don't need an excuse. Either way, I'm sorry. Listen, Gene. You may get distracted from time to time, but I love you and I love who you are. And what matters most is Gene? Gene, are you listening?! I am. I am. I love you. I love you, too. But what are those people doing waiting in front of the restaurant? Hmm. People don't wait for our restaurant. Maybe they all need to use the bathroom. Hey, get out of here! Go pee in the bushes like normal people. Are you guys open? We want to try that black garlic burger. Can I have a black garlic burger, too? Skip? What the hell? Yeah. You want to try my burger? Yeah, I smelt it, and now I want you to dealt it. Into my mouth. Come on in. W-We just need a few minutes to get the grill going. Gene, you want to go start the grill? Nope. My day off starts now. And I will be spending the next Bye-bye. Oh. Gene! Yeah? Did you just say "Hot Fudge Car Wash"? I did. My day off starts now, too. Bye-bye. Whoa, whoa, wait. We have customers. Sorry, Dad. I have to go see a car wash about a fudge. Get Mommy a to-go bucket. Hot Fudge Car Wash Hot Fudge Car Wash Hot, hot, hot, hot fudge Mmm Hot Fudge Car Wash Hot Fudge Car Wash Hot, hot, hot, hot fudge Hot Fudge Car Wash Hot, hot, hot, hot fudge Hot Fudge Car Wash Ooh hot fudge!