The Status Quo Combustion


 * Leonard: You can move across the hall.
 * Sheldon: Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?
 * Leonard: No.


 * Amy: Atomic magnets?
 * Penny: Shut up.
 * (Enter the sarcastically grumpy Bernadette who complains to Penny)
 * Bernadette: (she's complaining sarcastically) Sorry I’m late. The leaf blower broke, so I had to hand-dry my mother-in-law.
 * (The sound of door slamming is played to the concerned Penny and Amy)
 * Penny: You want some wine?
 * Bernadette: (out of vision) Thanks. (she strides up to Penny's table looking very cross) Little warning before you jump into this marriage business. You’re not just marrying him, you’re marrying his family.
 * (Penny gives Bernadette her glass of wine)
 * Penny: I think Leonard’s mom’s okay with me.
 * Bernadette: (she is still very cross) It doesn’t matter if she’s okay with you. The question is, can she go to the bathroom by herself? Hit me again.
 * Amy: So, what are the living arrangements gonna be?
 * Penny: Well, haven’t really talked about it yet, but I figure at some point, I’ll move in with him, or he’ll move in with me.
 * Amy: Well, with you not working, that makes financial sense.
 * Bernadette: (she's excited) You’re not working. How would you like a job in home health care?
 * Penny: (grumpily) Not a chance.
 * Bernadette: (she's begging Penny) Please. I’m desperate.
 * Penny: No.
 * Bernadette: (suggesting nervously) I’ll pay you anything you want.
 * Penny: Okay, then, yeah.
 * (Bernadette smiles proudly at Penny for a second)


 * Bernadette: She’s just so impossible, they keep quitting.
 * Sheldon: So, who’s watching her now?
 * Howard: A bowlful of M&M’s with a few Ambien tossed in.


 * Leonard: Okay. Now that everyone’s here, Penny and I have some big news.
 * Penny: We’re engaged!
 * Raj: Oh my goodness! And I thought me having sex with Emily would be the big news. [Hugging.]
 * Leonard: Hey, hey. What the hell?
 * Bernadette: You guys propose all the time. This never happens.
 * Penny: You’re right! [Hugging.]


 * Leonard: Hey, buddy.
 * Sheldon: Hello.
 * Leonard: You okay?
 * Sheldon: I just got called into President Siebert’s office. The university won’t let me switch my field of study to inflation cosmology. They are forcing me to continue with string theory.
 * Howard: Why?
 * Sheldon: He said it’s why they hired me, it’s what my grant was designated for and that everybody has to do things they don’t want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do even though he didn't want to do which was look at my stupid face.
 * Leonard: That was a rude thing to say…out loud.


 * Howard: Oh, come on, give her a chance.
 * Nurse: No. Life, it is too short.
 * (Bernadette runs after the nurse who ignores her with a loud whimper of anger)
 * Bernadette: (from the lounge to out of vision) I know you’ve only been here a day and a half, but you’re like part of the family.
 * (The sound of door slamming is played to Howard looking down at the doorway for one second and goes back into the lounge with Bernadette behind him)
 * Bernadette: (she is still a bit cross) I don’t think the service is gonna send any more people.
 * Howard: Yeah, maybe it’s time we just release Ma back into the sea.
 * Bernadette: (she is now very, very cross) That’s not helpful.
 * Howard: Well, then, we may need to get used to the idea that we’re gonna be living here the next few months.
 * Bernadette: (1st time: she's still very cross) But we have jobs. We can’t baby-sit her 24 hours a day.
 * Howard: Well, what if we use our vacation time?
 * Bernadette: (2nd time: she's still very cross) I wanted go to Hawaii, not hell.
 * Howard: I don’t know what else we can do.
 * Bernadette: Howie, I love you, and as your wife, your mother is every bit as much my problem as she is yours, so, I want a divorce.


 * Beverly: Let me save you all of your hemming and hawing. Sheldon already told me that you and Penny are engaged.
 * Leonard: I hate that you talk to him more than you talk to me.
 * Beverly: Would you like for you and me to talk more?
 * Leonard: You know what? It’s probably fine.
 * Beverly: In any event, while I've had my misgivings about…Penny…Sheldon spoke very fondly of her, and if she is good enough for him, then she’d good enough for me.
 * Leonard: I’m your son. What about the fact that she’s good enough for me?
 * Beverly: Sure.
 * Leonard: Thanks, Mom.
 * Beverly: Leonard, would it make you feel better if your Mother approved of your life choices?
 * Leonard: Yes, it would.
 * Beverly: Yeah, well, you should work on that.


 * Penny: No, Mom. It’s the same guy I've been going out with for the last two years. Yeah, the scientist. Well, it’s complicated. I mean, he works with lasers and atomic magnets. No, I did not see it coming. No, we did not set a date. No, I am not pregnant. Yeah, this is a first for our family. All right. Tell Dad I love him. I gotta go. Right. Bye.


 * Leonard: So listen. There was something I hoped to float past you. Now that Penny and I are engaged I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements.
 * Sheldon: Of course. She has spent many nights here and you’re worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.
 * Leonard: I’m not.
 * Sheldon: Good. Because not only has that ship sailed, but if it hit an iceberg countless men would perish.
 * Leonard: Actually this is about where she and I are going to live.
 * Sheldon: What do you mean?
 * Leonard: Well, well. We might want to live together.
 * Sheldon: Oh yeah, well. I have already given this some thought and I’m willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now; obviously not when she is made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.
 * Leonard: That’s very sweet. But we were thinking more of us maybe living together…with not you.
 * Sheldon: I don’t understand. How can we all live together if I’m not there?
 * Leonard: Look I know this is…this is a change, and that sounds scary, but…
 * Sheldon: Where are you going to go?
 * Leonard: Well, I don’t know. We’re just starting to think about this. Maybe I’ll move in with Penny or maybe she and I’ll take this place and you can move across the hall.
 * Sheldon: Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?
 * Leonard: No, I did not.
 * Sheldon: Did you get hit on the head with a coconut?
 * Leonard: No.
 * Sheldon: Then I’m all out of guesses. What? Move across the hall.. Why would you even suggest such a thing?
 * Leonard: Because I love Penny and want to give her the life she deserves.
 * Sheldon: I see. You’re putting your future bride’s happiness above mine.
 * Leonard: Well, yeah.
 * Sheldon: Wow.


 * Amy: This might work out for the best. I mean, you’re always complaining what a terrible roommate he is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you’re not there.
 * Sheldon: Ugh. It’s like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with bird and snakes.
 * Amy: You hate the sound of all those keys on this key chain.
 * Sheldon: Four keys! I mean, what does he think he is, a warden?
 * Amy: See, maybe you’ll love living alone.
 * Sheldon: I don’t know. Perhaps.
 * Amy: And if it turns out you don’t…you and I could live together.
 * Sheldon: You and…Oh sure. You would love that. And while we’re at it why don’t we get engaged, too. Why don’t get a little house and start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together. Do you hear yourself, woman?
 * Amy: Sheldon, it was just a thought.
 * Sheldon: No! Here’s a thought. You’re not moving in, Leonard’s not moving out. Everything stays exactly the way it is.


 * Leonard: So should we talk about setting a date?
 * Penny: Well, I’d like to pick one that works with my brother’s schedule.
 * Leonard: Okay. When would that be?
 * Penny: Uh, 12 to 18 months from now depending upon good behavior.


 * Stuart: I don’t mean to be rude, Sheldon, but my life’s kind of falling apart right now.
 * Sheldon: Your life? The university is making me do string theory. And my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I’m sad smells funny.


 * Howard: Don’t take this the wrong way, but did you do this for the insurance money?
 * Stuart: No. Oh God, you sound like the police, the firemen, my parents, my therapist and the insurance company.


 * Leonard: Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: You tracked my phone?
 * Leonard: Yeah.
 * Sheldon: Boy, you chase one balloon for three miles.
 * Penny: We were worried about you.
 * Sheldon: Don’t be melodramatic. I’m just getting on a train and leaving forever.
 * Leonard: Seriously? You don’t even have change of clothes or a toothbrush.
 * Sheldon: My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It’s called living off the land.
 * Leonard: Okay. I know you’re upset and they’re a lot of stuff going on, but it’s nothing we can’t workout. Come on, let’s get you home.
 * Sheldon: No, I've reached my breaking point. I need to leave. Now.
 * Penny: And go where?
 * Sheldon: It doesn't matter.
 * Leonard: So a few things don’t go your way and your best decision is to ride the rails like a hobo?
 * Sheldon: I suppose it is. Except I have a credit card. And I refuse to carry my laptop on the end of a stick. And I’d sooner die than eat beans out of a can.
 * Leonard: Come on, come home with us and tomorrow I’ll take you to Legoland.
 * Sheldon: Legoland is not the solution to everything. And it’s too much of a scene since that movie came out.
 * Leonard: Then what can I do?
 * Sheldon: Leonard, I am overwhelmed. Everything is changing and it’s simply too much. I need to get away and think.
 * Leonard: Oh, come on. You know you’re overreacting.
 * Penny: Leonard, hang on. Just come here. Maybe you need to let him go.
 * Leonard: What? Why?
 * Penny: It might be good for him.
 * Leonard: You know he can’t take trip like this himself.
 * Penny: He’s a grown man.
 * Leonard: No, he looks like a grown man. You've seen “Freaky Friday”. Sometimes little kids end up in big person bodies.
 * Penny: Leonard, we can’t protect him forever.
 * Leonard: I know, but…
 * Penny: He’ll be okay. You taught him well, Padawan.
 * Sheldon: Good Lord. Padawan’s the student, not the teacher.
 * Penny: Seriously, let him go.
 * Leonard: Sheldon, if you really need to do this I’m not gonna stand in your way.
 * Sheldon: I do.
 * Leonard: Okay. Good luck.
 * Penny: Be safe and call us.
 * Sheldon: I will.
 * Leonard: Bye, buddy. Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: Yes.
 * Leonard: I’m gonna miss you.
 * Sheldon: Of course you are.
 * Leonard: He just made that easier.


 * Stuart: Hey. What are you guys still doing here? I got this, go. Go home.
 * Howard: You sure?
 * Stuart: Yeah, she’s fed, she took her pills, she’s all tucked in and watching TV.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Stuart crossly) So, she’s not too much for you?
 * Stuart: Are you kidding? I love her, she’s great.
 * Mrs Wolowitz (off): Stewie, you gonna watch Wheel of Fortune with me?
 * Stuart: Coming, Debbie.
 * Howard: You call her Debbie?
 * Stuart: She insisted. So, hey, guys, thank you so much. This job is a dream come true.
 * (Stuart now exits the lounge)
 * Howard: Was that a little weird?
 * Bernadette: (she's confused) Yeah. I don’t know why, but something about it feels unnatural.
 * Howard: Okay, let’s go.
 * Bernadette: Yep.
 * (They both start leave the couch with excitement)


 * Amy: Okay, Sheldon, thanks for checking in. Talk to you tomorrow? Okay, bye.
 * Leonard: He’s okay?
 * Amy: Actually sounds like he doing pretty well.
 * Penny: I really think this is going to be for the best.
 * Leonard: Me too. And he was able to take a sabbatical…
 * Amy: [Hitting Leonard with a pillow, screaming] HOW COULD YOU LET HIM GO?


 * (The montage scene at Mrs. Wolowtiz's house where Penny is running past the settee where Howard and Bernadette are sitting down)
 * Penny: (strips off her last yellow rubber glove whilst exiting) No, keep your money.
 * (Penny drops the yellow rubber gloves on the floor and now exits, The sound of door closing is played to the confused Howard and Bernadette listening to the TV on the couch with expressions of 'Oh, no, here we go with the nursing again')
 * Bernadette: (she grunts crossly to herself) I could’ve ridden a bull longer than that.
 * (Howard looks at his wife for a second at the sarcastic thing she had said crossly).