A Tree Grows in Lawndale

(opening theme song)

(at the Lawndale Mall)

(Kevin and Brittany are exiting the Gimme Some Skin leather shop; Brittany is draped all over Kevin, as usual)

Brittany - Kevvy, you look like such a rebel in your new jacket.

Kevin - Thanks, babe.

(the two begin making out right then and there; suddenly, Kevin spots Daria and Jane approaching)

Kevin - Yo! Check this out.

Jane - Is this what you Earth people call "necking?"

Kevin - No, I mean check out the new Kevin.

Daria - You'll note he didn't say "improved."

Brittany - That's 'cause he's a rebel.

Jane - Where's the bike?

Kevin - Huh?

Daria - That's a motorcycle jacket. It's made out of leather to protect you from scrapes when your head's bouncing off the grille of a truck.

Jane - If you're just wearing it for style then it's a waste of a perfectly good cow.

Daria - You wouldn't wear shoulder pads if you didn't play football.

Jane - Or would you?

(Kevin suddenly looks distressed)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria is in the kitchen, reading the newspaper; Helen is on the phone with Rita; the TV is showing Sick, Sad World somewhere)

SSW Announcer - Is your cutlery holding an edge or going over one? "Diary of a mad steak knife," tonight on Sick, Sad World.

Helen - Honestly, Rita, I don't care if mother's paying for your new family room.

Daria - Maybe she can get a new family to go with it.

Helen - What? That was Daria. She's, uh, practicing for a school play.

Daria - A salesman's got to dream, boy.

(Jake enters the kitchen)

Jake - Damn neighbor's dog got into the trash again! Now there's garbage all over the street! Next thing you know there'll be abandoned cars on the front lawns!

Daria - I'll run out and pick up some cement blocks before they're all sold out.

Helen - Jake, calm down. (into phone) Rita, I'll have to call you back. (pause) Yes, I will! (pause) Very, very soon. (hangs up)

Jake - Helen, do you know what happens when property values collapse?

Daria - Is it anything like when good pets go bad?

Jake - What if we can't get a decent price when we sell this place? You think we're going to move in with your sister?

Daria - Or should I also pick up a copy of the Jonestown bartender's handbook?

Helen - Oh...!

(Jake pops open the soda, which sprays all over him)

Jake - Yah...!

Helen - Jake, you're being ridiculous. Nothing is going to affect the value of this house short of an earthquake.

Jake - We're on a fault line, too?!

(at school)

(Daria and Jane are standing outside)

Jane - Oh, look, the circus is coming to town.

Daria - On what appears to be a very fast lawnmower.

(the object of their conversation soon becomes apparent, as Kevin and Brittany arrive on his new motorcycle)

Kevin - Hey, Jane, Daria.

Daria - Mean machine. Where's your Shriner's fez?

Brittany - Don't we look like rebels?

Jane - Oh, yeah, that cricket in your front teeth is very James Dean.

Brittany - What?!

Daria - Don't worry. It's dead.

Brittany - Eww! I'm going to need new teeth! (starts picking at her teeth)

Daria - I'm sure the guys in woodshop can come up with something.

Jane - Before first period? Don't think so.

(Mack, Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie arrive)

Mack - You know, you aren't supposed to ride those things without a helmet.

Kevin - Hey, I don't follow rules. I'm rebellent.

Daria - Did he say repellent?

Jane - Seems like he should have, doesn't it?

(Upchuck arrives, followed shortly by several other students)

Upchuck - Well, well... what do we have here? A babe magnet with a seat built for one. Hold on tight, luscious lady. (growls)

Joey - Hey! Pop a wheelie.

Jeffy - Yeah, yeah.

Jamie - Yo, pop a wheelie.

(other students start chanting "Wheelie! Wheelie!")

Kevin - Uh... okay. (pulls away from the curb and heads down the street)

Daria - Gee, this won't end badly.

Jane - You know, we are the ones who told him to get a motorcycle.

Daria - Hey, if we told him to jump off a bridge, would he do that?

Jane - Dunno. We'll try that next time.

(Kevin turns the motorcycle around and stops)

Kevin - Now, I know I saw that Paunch guy do this on CHiPs...

(he then revs the engine and speeds down the street; when he swerves to avoid hitting a car, he crashes into the Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree, then lands on the ground and clutches his leg)

Kevin - My knee! (screams)

Jane - Uh-oh, I think the wild one's got a boo-boo.

(Kevin continues groaning)

Jeffy - Hey, you broke the Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree.

Joey - Good thing he's dead or he'd really let you have it.

Jane - This is sort of like what happened at my fourth birthday party, only it involved a tiny tricycle and a chimp.

Daria - The difference being?

(at the Thompson house)

(Kevin and Brittany are sitting in his bedroom, which is decked out in all sorts of football paraphernalia; his knee is heavily bandaged)

Brittany - Oh, Kevvy, I don't care if you squished the Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree. I still love you.

Kevin - Tommy Sherman was the greatest Q.B. Lawndale ever had. I, too, was a quarterback once. Now I'm just a... one-knee guy.

Brittany - But your knee will heal.

Kevin - When? Face it, Britt, you've got cheerleader-type active womanly needs. And look at me... look at me! Kissing me now would be like kissing one of those guys who wear old man pants and watch Touched By an Angel.

Brittany - Kevvy, no!

Kevin - Babe, it's gotta be this way.

Brittany - No! It can be like before. Let me bring you a Gatorade.

Kevin - No! Only sportsmen can drink sports drinks. (tosses Gatorade out the window) From now on, I drink Yoo-Hoo.

Brittany - No...! (starts crying)

(at school)

(the usual students are in Mr. O'Neill's class, with the notable absence of Kevin)

Brittany - Then he said that his armpits would know only the embrace of his crutches.

Jodie - What does that mean?

Brittany - I don't know, but it sounds bad. Like, Kevvy's armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips so empty, so yearning?

Jodie - Lips? So, we're off the armpit thing?

Daria - You know, if you break up Brittany's attempt at thought, it looks like a Mystik Spiral song.

Jane - (grabs Daria's notepad) "Armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips emp-ty?" Eh. Are you sure you don't want to replace "lips" with "skull?"

Daria - It's a work in progress.

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, what's this?

Daria - Nothing.

Mr. O'Neill - Please, Daria, any form of expression is cause for celebration. I see you've chosen to celebrate in the way of verse.

Daria - The only thing here in the way of verse might be its complete lack of quality.

Mr. O'Neill - You're being judgmental, Daria. And you know what they say: judge and you get mental. (picks up Daria's notepad)

Daria - And you know what I say.

Jane - Life sucks and then you die?

Mr. O'Neill - This is so deep, but so sad. Daria, are you depressed? I mean, more than usual?

Daria - Not me. (points in Brittany's direction)

Mr. O'Neill - Brittany?

Brittany - What? Um... here. Present?

(in the hallway)

(Kevin, with crutches but sans football uniform, is talking to Mack, who's rummaging through his locker)

Mack - Come on, man, it's just a sprained knee. You gotta play. The team needs you.

Kevin - No, it doesn't. The only team that needs me is the one that sits all the time: the chess team.

Mack - But you don't even know how to play chess.

Kevin - Oh, yeah? King me, king me, king me!

Mack - I'll talk to you when the painkillers wear off. (closes locker and walks away as Brittany runs up to Kevin)

Brittany - Kevvy! Mr. O'Neill just gave me an "A" for a poem I didn't know I wrote and said I should get counseling for my troubled mind and it's all because of you, so we have to get back together or my mind will never untrouble itself.

Kevin - Babe, the only wide receivers I've got are my crutches here, and they only catch the sweat of my defeat.

Brittany - But what about our eternal love that was supposed to last till graduation?

Kevin - Could you really date a guy who isn't going to be in any yearbook team pictures?

Brittany - I... I... Oh, no! It really is over! (cries and walks away)

Kevin - No team. No babe. I guess I'm, like, on my own.

(starts hobbling away, then his crutches collapse under him and he crashes to the floor with a "whoa!")

(at school)

(Daria and Jane are on the roof)

Jane - Is it me, or does study hall go faster when you're somewhere else?

Daria - Life goes faster when you're somewhere else.

Jane - Aw, look... the Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree's still dead.

Daria - I guess now we're going to have to plant something to memorialize it.

(immediately below them, Brittany and her fellow cheerleaders are in the girls' bathroom)

Brittany - Oh, Angie, I miss my Kevvy. Life just isn't the same without his big, brown eyes and spellbinding dimples.

(Daria and Jane's voices suddenly come echoing down the ventilator shaft directly above the bathroom)

Jane - I'd rather remember the tree than remember Tommy Sherman.

Daria - Hey, that's not nice. You wouldn't like that if you were Tommy Sherman.

(all of the girls are now frightened out of their pom-poms)

Jane - I wouldn't like anything if I were Tommy Sherman. If I were Tommy Sherman, I'd be dead.

(the girls suddenly start screaming and running out of the bathroom)

Brittany - Tommy's tree is dead and now he's back to haunt us!

(at the school football field)

(a game is in progress, one that is not going very well for the Lawndale Lions; Upchuck is in the announcer's booth)

Upchuck - As the fourth quarter winds down and the score remains Oakwood 21, Lions zipparino, does your humble announcer dare to venture that the mighty Lawndale "grr..." has turned into a plaintive "mew?"

(another play begins, with Mack subbing for Kevin as the Q.B.)

Upchuck - Lawndale's replacement quarterback, "Mad Mack," has the ball, and it looks like he's going to pass it to...

(the ball is snapped to Mack; a player is open down the field, waving his arms frantically, but he doesn't throw it!)

Upchuck - ...nobody!

(the other team sacks him)

Upchuck - Bad break, "Mad Mack." We felt that one in the box.

Mack - Guys, I don't know what happened. Sorry.

Brittany - (unenthusiastically) give me an "L".

Cheerleaders - "L".

Brittany - Give me an "A".

Cheerleaders - "A".

(in the stands, Sam and Chris griffin are there to do what they do best)

Chris - Give me an S-U-X! Lawndale sucks. Ha!

(also in the stands are Kevin, who cringes at the team's bad fortune, and Ms. Li, who's swearing about it)

Ms. Li - This is no good. No good at all.

(the game ends)

Upchuck - And the Lions once more go down to defeat.

Ms. Li - I've got to do something about all this losing.

(at Cashman's Department Store)

(the Fashion Club is shopping in the Junior Five section)

Sandi - I just hope a new wardrobe is enough to take our minds off that abysmal game.

Tiffany - Yeah... abysmal.

Sandi - If this keeps up, we may have to hold an emergency meeting on the date-ability of the football team.

Stacy - Oh, no!

Quinn - Look, isn't this adorable? It's so neck-slimming. I wonder if they have it in chartreuse. (sees a saleslady) Excuse me, miss?

(the saleslady ignores Quinn and keeps on walking)

Sandi - Where is everybody? I can't believe no one's even offered us fitting rooms yet.

Tiffany - Yeah, it's like they want us to get shopper's cramp.

(another saleslady approaches, and Quinn tries again)

Quinn - Miss? Oh, miss?

(this saleslady also ignores them)

Stacy - Guys, something weird is going on.

(they spot Theresa behind the counter, who gasps and tries to hide)

Sandi - Come on. Let's get to the bottom of this. (walks to the sales counter) Ahem...

(Theresa reluctantly gets up from her hiding place)

Sandi - Theresa, is there a labor stoppage we should be apprised of? No one's helping us.

Theresa - It's your football team. They're... well, losers.

Quinn - What does that have to do with us? We don't play football.

Theresa - You go to a loser school, and it's not good for Junior Five's image to have losers wearing our clothes.

Stacy - But we're not losers!

(Theresa ducks back down again as one of the other salesladies walks past the counter)

Theresa - Look, if you don't mind taking turns, I can give you fitting room eight.

Quinn - The unpopular people's dressing room?!

(at school)

(Ms. Li is in her office, talking to an older-looking boy who's built like a locomotive; she appears to be bringing in a ringer for the football team)

Ms. Li - It says here on your transfer forms that you've been in high school for six years.

"Ringer" - Yeah. I have trouble learning stuff when people make me mad.

Ms. Li - But you don't seem to have trouble with the old pigskin, eh? (laugh-snorts) Um, why was your season cut short last year? This says your offensive line had a quote, mishap, end quote.

"Ringer" - They made me mad.

Ms. Li - Ah! (chuckles nervously as the guy stares her down)

(in the girls' bathroom)

(the cheerleaders are all gathered together in a circle, burning incense -- arranged around a football -- in order to exorcise the spirit of Tommy Sherman)

Brittany - Zippity do da, zippity ay, make Tommy's spirit go far, far away.

(suddenly, the door bursts open to reveal Mr. DeMartino, the girls scream)

Mr. DeMartino - All right, girls. Puffing party's over!

Brittany - Oh, no! You ruined it! Now Tommy Sherman's ghost will never go away!

Mr. DeMartino - Well, forgive me if I didn't see the sign on the door that said girls' exorcism room!

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Quinn, Helen, and Daria are in the kitchen; Quinn is reading an almanac, Daria has the paper, and Helen is getting a cup of coffee)

Quinn - And then Sandi said she didn't know if she could show her face anymore and is thinking about the witness protection program, although not if they make you dye your hair that brassy blond.

Daria - That's just what Sammy "The Bull" Gravano said.

Quinn - Hey, here's another good town we can move to. It says the schools have produced three pro quarterbacks.

Daria - How many pro wrestlers?

Helen - Quinn, I don't think you're considering the rest of the family.

Quinn - I am. We live in a loser town now, and that can't be good at that job you go to. Only losers live in loser towns. Do you want your clients thinking you're a loser?

Helen - Hmm...

(tires squealing)

Helen - Oh, dear, your father's braking with his angry foot again.

Quinn - If we moved to a popular town, he'd be happier.

Helen - Quinn, we're not moving.

Jake - That's it, we're moving! Look at this -- it say Lawndale High's football team is the worst in Lawndale history. It says Lawndale High is a school for losers!

Helen - Jake, that's the Lawndale Shopper. It's written by an 80-year-old man who, if you recall, had to be taken off his roof by the fire department because he thought he was being chased by screaming mice.

Jake - That doesn't mean it isn't true.

Quinn - Oh, Daddy, mice don't scream.

Daria - Yeah, you're thinking of lobsters. Who's up for seafood?

Jake - The value of our home... destroyed. Our life's investment... gone! Good-bye, retirement. Good-bye, condo on the golf course. Helen, we're ruined! Don't you see?!

Helen - I see you shopped angry again. Now what are we going to do with five pounds of... "Jay-Tees' Jellied Pork Shoulder?" Ecch...

Jake - Don't look at me that way. It was that Lawndale Shopper guy. The store... this town... they all tricked me!

Quinn - Which is why we have to move!

(at Pizza King)

(Daria and Jane are sitting in a booth, waiting for their pizza; each has a soda in hand)

Daria - So my sister's scouting out new zip codes, my father's so mad he can only see the color red, and the other day, when my mother was paying bills, I caught her trying to smudge her return address labels. My home life's becoming intolerable.

Jane - Becoming intolerable?

Daria - Is there such a word as "intolerabler"?

(one of the workers brings their pizza; it's none other than Artie, the UFO nut)

Artie - Hot stuff. Hey, you look familiar.

Daria - No, I don't.

Artie - You go to Lawndale High, right?

Jane - No. We're reform school gals looking for love in all the wrong places.

Artie - That's good, because if you went to Lawndale you'd be losers. What a loser school. (laughs) Enjoy now! (laughs)

(Artie leaves just as Tom arrives)

Daria - Great. And just when I was feeling like a winner.

Tom - I take it your quarterback is still wallowing in self-pity.

Daria - I wish he'd try self-immolation.

Jane - Sportboy needs a reason to feel good about himself, and there just aren't any.

Daria - We could try sending him back to the third grade, where winning a paste-eating contest still counts for something.

Tom - Actually, why not send him back to elementary school?

Daria - Because he'd never meet the academic requirements.

Tom - I mean as one of those safety lecturers. He could talk about how stupid he was to wipe out on his bike. The kids would probably rather listen to him than their teachers, so he'd have a captive audience and feel self-important again.

Jane - So simple, and yet so perfect. Daria, why didn't we think of that?

Daria - 'Cause we're Lawndale losers who wallow in our own ignorance and filth. Who wants another slice?

(Jane glances at Tom; both have bemused-yet-slightly-nauseated looks on their faces)

(at school)

(Mr. O'Neill is writing on the blackboard in his classroom when Daria and Jane walk in)

Daria - Mr. O'Neill?

Mr. O'Neill - Oh! You startled me. I guess all that talk about ghosts and exorcism has put me a little on edge.

Jane - Hey, want to see me twist my head around and around and around?

Daria - We want to talk to you about Kevin.

Jane - We think it might pull him out of his slump if he became a safety lecturer. Tell kids how reckless behavior leads to injuries.

Daria - They don't have to know he was brain-damaged before the accident.

Mr. O'Neill - Hmm, turning a bad experience into something positive. Girls, I do believe we're on the same page.

Daria - We are? Now I'm in a slump.

(at Lincoln Elementary School)

(kids are filing into the auditorium as Mr. O'Neill gives Kevin a pep talk)

Mr. O'Neill - Kevin, the wisdom you impart to these impressionable young minds could have a profound effect upon their lives.

Kevin - Cool!

Mr. O'Neill - Remember: a man is never taller than when he helps the smallest child.

Kevin - (laughs) But what about when he's wearing cleats?

Mr. O'Neill - Um, just go out there and try not to hurt yourself.

(Kevin walks onto the stage and stands behind a podium)

Kevin - My name is Kevin and I'm a...

Kid - Louder!

Kevin - (shouting) My name is Kevin and I used to be a rebel! (normal voice) But now I'm just a big fat loser. Everywhere I go, it's like, "Look at that loser." "Nice day, loser." "More chocolate milk, loser?"

(scene shifts to another school auditorium)

Kevin - But it wasn't always like this. Before my bike accident, I was the Q.B. Chicks love that.

Kid - Hot chicks?

Kevin - Cheerleaders.

(boys express their appreciation)

Kevin - See, motorcycles are dangerous, especially when you fall off them. I'm one of the lucky ones. I could have fallen off the Grand Canyon and hit my head on a rock or something.

(scene shifts to yet another school auditorium)

Kevin - Then I'd be one of those guys with their brains sticking out of their eyes and their guts all over the place.

Kid - Cool!

(scene shifts to still another school auditorium)

Kevin - In collusion, motorcycles can wreck your life and make it so you can't play football. And that's not cool... safety's cool. Any questions?

Kid #1 - Tell me about the cheerleaders!

Kid #2 - I want to hear about the blood and guts again!

(kids cheer and surround Kevin as his picture is taken)

(at Lawndale High, Kevin is showing Mr. DeMartino's class his picture in the newspaper)

Kevin - And that's how I've saved countless youth children as a walking safety don't. And when kids are about to do something dangerous, they go, "Hey, I don't want to do this. I want to be like that cool safety guy."

Brittany - He'd be such a wonderful father.

Daria - Of a coconut.

Kevin - Now, my crutches are like my best feature.

Daria - Taking over the role formerly played by his car.

Jane - Well, this plan backfired perfectly.

Mr. DeMartino - Kevin, that report was peachy!

Kevin - Thanks.

Mr. DeMartino - Although what it has to do with the League of Nations, which was your assigned topic, I fail to understand!

Kevin - Um... did everyone get to see my picture?

(on the Lawndale High football field)

(the team is practicing; Mack is sitting in the stands with Jodie)

Mack - This isn't working. The new guy, he's got some weird rules.

Jodie - Weirder than sticking your butt in the air and making a football appear?

Mack - It's called a hike.

(on the field, the "Ringer" is lecturing Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie)

"Ringer" - Now, I'm going to throw this. If you catch it, you get to kick me in the head. If you miss it, I'll kill you.

(the Three J's express their alarm at the guy's attitude)

"Ringer" - You think I'm kidding? Well, try me, punks! Now go out for a pass or I'll waste you right now.

(the whistle blows, and the Three J's start running down the field)

"Ringer" - Okay, that's good.

(and the Three J's just keep right on a-runnin')

"Ringer" - Hey, stop. Hey! You're not supposed to run across the street! (pause) Man, this happens everywhere I go. Nobody knows how to play football.

(in the hallway)

(Daria and Jane watch as Quinn walks past; she's hidden behind a pair of sunglasses and an oversized scarf wrapped around her head)

Jane - What's with Quinnie O?

Daria - She's dressing incognito until she can persuade my mother to relocate us to Bermuda.

Jane - You should really keep her away from open bottles of nail polish.

Daria - Or scatter a lot more of them around.

(Brittany approaches; she's holding a box)

Brittany - Daria? Jane? Would you like to contribute to the Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree fund? We're hoping to get his ghost out of the girls' room.

Jane - It takes a tree to get him out of the girls' room? Did he turn into a dog or something?

Brittany - I don't think so.

Daria - You know, if you can just get those crutches away from Kevin, you can plant one of them instead. That's sure to appease Tommy's restless bathroom spirit.

Brittany - You're right! (leaves)

Jane - You know you're going to hell.

Daria - Anything that gets me out of Lawndale.

(in the cafeteria)

(Kevin and Mack are seated at a table; Daria and Jane are at the next table over)

Kevin - See, by teaching the kids about safety, I'm giving something back to society. I'm like a philanderest.

Mack - Yeah, yeah. How about suiting up and giving something back to the team? This new guy's got the receivers hiding in a dumpster.

Kevin - But the kids... they look up to me, bro.

Mack - Hey, we look up... we look at you, too. Now come on back, will you?

(Brittany approaches; she looks down in the dumps)

Brittany - Hi, Kevvy.

Kevin - Hey.

Brittany - Um, I was wondering, can I borrow one of your crutches? Please?

Kevin - Can't spare it. I need it for my motivated speaking. Say, Britt, you know there's no law that says a motivated speaker can't have a babe.

Brittany - But there is a law that says cheerleaders can only date football players, remember?

Kevin - Darn! You know, that's recrimination. I mean, just because I don't wear a uniform doesn't mean I'm not the same guy.

Brittany - Yes, it does. My Kevvy is a football leader of men. My Kevvy wouldn't let the whole team down. My Kevvy wouldn't let Lawndale become a loser town! (starts to leave)

Kevin - Wait, babe, come back!

Brittany - Forget it, Kevvy. You're on your own. You're a... a man on an island.

Kevin - But, I don't want to be on an island. I get seasick. Besides, I need... the love.

Brittany - Huh?

Kevin - I mean, what's saving lives if there's no one to make out with?

Daria - I believe Gandhi asked that same question.

Jane - It's why he had to be eliminated.

(after a moment's hesitation, Kevin lets his crutches fall away as the other students cheer; one of the crutches lands on Mack's foot)

Kevin - Britt, I realize that without you, I'm by myself. Your love has healed me, babe. I'm... I'm cured!

(Brittany runs into Kevin's arms)

Brittany - Oh, Kevvy. I've missed you so much.

Kevin - Like, me, too, babe.

Jane - Care to join me in the girls' room for a jolly puke?

Daria - Sure... but not if that Tommy Sherman's in there.

Jane - That Tommy Sherman. He ruins everything.

(outside the school)

(Daria and Jane walk up to the spot where the Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree once stood... where Brittany has planted one of Kevin's crutches in the dirt)

Brittany - Look, the new Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree.

Jane - Lovely.

Brittany - I wonder why it isn't blossoming?

Daria - Did you take the little rubber thing off the bottom?

Brittany - Oh!

Jane - Oh, mmm, Daria? Maybe we should go inside before lightning strikes you dead and bits of you mess up my nice shoes.

(on the football field)

(the crowd cheers to a more familiar sight: the Lawndale Lions stomping the visiting team)

Upchuck - And star quarterback Kevin Thompson scores again! (growls)

Jake - Yes! Yes! Helen! Give me your phone.

Cheerleaders - We're not losers! We're not losers! We're not losers! Lawndale rules!

Jane - Brittany worked all week writing that.

Tom - It shows. The reiteration? Powerful.

Daria - Like getting hit in the head repeatedly with a sock full of quarters.

Upchuck - And here he is, the miracle man. Let's hear it for Kevin and his magic knee!

(the crowd cheers as the team carries Kevin on their shoulders)

Jake - (into phone) Yeah, I'll bet you didn't try to drive down property values. Well, Lawndale High's quarterback's fit as a fiddle and Lawndale's got a winner school and the best people are going to want to live here and they buy houses at market value, no thanks to you, loser. Oh, yeah? Well, I want my mommy, too! Ha! (hangs up)

Helen - Do you feel better now that you've set the Lawndale Shopper man right?

Jake - Actually, that was his six-year-old grandson, but I'm sure he'll give him the message.

(on the field, the team continues to carry Kevin; the crowd then groans, and the cheerleaders gasp, as the team accidentally drops Kevin and he falls to the ground)

Upchuck - Oh, no! Has the mighty Kevin Thompson injured his knee again?

(suddenly, Kevin hops back up onto their shoulders, causing the crowd to cheer)

Upchuck - Praise the Lord! He landed on his head!

Daria - This is a day of miracles.

(outside, the Tommy Sherman Memorial Crutch -- er, Tree -- suddenly sprouts a single leaf)

(closing credits)