Jackie's Cheese Squeeze

Opening Scene- The Cheese Shop at the Mall.

Todd puts up a closed sign and starts sweeping. Jackie storms past him goes to the desk, grabs the phone and starts to dial. Todd walks over to her.

Todd- Jackie, you clocked out half an hour ago, did you come back to tell me something…because I feel the same way

Jackie- I was waiting outside for Michael to pick me up, but the idiot never showed!

Todd- that’s the third time this week. Three strikes and his out according to the rules of baseball… and love

Jackie- Actually its 4 strikes if you include the time he showed up late because he had to see how the Jetson's ended

Jackie walks out from behind the desk and Todd follows her

Todd- Oh man, first he goes behind your back and takes that modelling job and now this whole Jetson’s thing! No futuristic cartoon could ever keep me from you.

Jackie- I just don’t know what’s happening to us

Todd- Ok Jackie you need to cheer up. And the first step to cheering up is giving Todd a hug

Todd holds out his arms and Jackie smiles and goes in to hug him. They start to kiss and Eric walks past.

Eric- Oh my god

Jackie- Oh my god

Eric- I am so glad I went shopping today!

Credits roll

Scene 2- The Cheese Shop at the Mall

Jackie and Todd are still hugging, Eric is staring at them

Todd- What do I do?

Jackie- Run like the wind

Todd runs away to a back door

Jackie- (pretending to be all casual) Eric! Did you get a haircut? … Cause I love it! You look just like Parker Stevenson

Eric- Oh Really? Cause I told the guy like he should… No, no, no, that’s not gonna work tramp face. I saw tongue.

Jackie- Ok Eric, I know you and I don’t have the best relationship

Eric- You mean I hate you and you hate me

Jackie- Right, so let’s turn over a new leaf by you never telling Michael what you think you just saw.

Eric- Hmmm, or I could just torture you with this information until I'm bored.

Jackie- Eric

Eric- Ok, you know what, ill make you a deal.

Eric walks over to a cheese stand and grabs a round hunk of cheese

Eric- You can buy two guaranteed hours of silence by carving this wheel of cheddar into a handsome likeness of me. Aaaaaaaaaaand go

Jackie glares at him.

Scene 3- Foreman Driveway, Night

Red is polishing the corvette and Kitty comes outside

Kitty- Red, dinners ready!

Red- Five more minutes Kitty; a bunch of birds threw a crap on my corvette party! If I don’t get it out the paint will oxidize! Oxidize!

Kitty- Well why don’t you just put the car in the garage?

Red looks at her in disbelief

Red- Because if I put the car in the garage I cant see it from the dinner table! Kitty, don’t give advice about things you don’t understand!

Kitty- (sarcastically) Ok, I’m the crazy one

Kitty turns around and goes back inside to the kitchen, Bob and Joanne are eating at the table, and Kitty sits down and joins them

Kitty- Well, lets just um, go ahead and eat

Bob- (mouth full of chicken) Oh, were not doing that yet?

Kitty- You know, ever since Red got his new car he can barely tear himself away from it

Joanne- You better watch out Kitty or your going to end up a corvette widow

Kitty- Oh no, he loves that car, he deserves it. The last thing he bought himself was a pellet gun to shoot the chipmunks that were stealing our tomatoes and I had to throw that away because it was giving him war nightmares.

Bob- I’m glad you threw it out. That thing hurt.

Joanne- Kitty, I know what I’m talking about. As soon as my ex husband got a boat it was like he forgot I even existed. So I divorced him, took the boat and spent a vigorous 3-day weekend on it with the harbour master.

Kitty- I don’t think that’s kitchen talk.

Scene 4- Basement

Eric’s face only in view and single shits for every other character

Eric- Ok, Ok, I saw Jackie MAKING OUT WITH THE GUY FROM THE CHEESE SHOP! (Laughs) The little dude!

Donna- No way!

Eric- Yeah but you’re the only one I told so don’t say a word to anyone ok, my little secret squirrel

Fez- My lips are sealed

Eric- Good cause I knew I could count on you

Hyde- You always can. Think about it. We hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. I live for days like this!

Eric- Oh but just remember, you’re the only one I told

Screen moves to side and shows Hyde, Donna and Fez in separate shots on the right side of the screen (ala Brady bunch)

Hyde, Fez, Donna- Your secrets safe with me.

Scene 5- Foreman Kitchen, After dinner.

Kitty is alone clearing the plates and Red walks in from the driveway

Kitty- You missed a nice dinner, Joanne said the funniest thing, she said I was going to end up a corvette widow, hahaha! Isn’t that a kick!

Red- Oh Kitty, I wouldn’t leave you for the car, who’d make dinner?

Red laughs and starts to walk away. Kitty turns around

Kitty- I think it’s the time to prove Joanne wrong. How you gonna prove Joanne wrong? What surprising and thoughtful deed are you going to do to prove Joanne wrong?

Red- I’m going to prove Joanne wrong by… taking you out (kitty nods) on a special date (kitty nods again) soon (kitty puts her head down) tomorrow!

Kitty- Good answer! (Kitty claps)

Scene 6- Basement.

Hyde is sitting on his chair; Fez is on the couch closest to him, Donna next to him, Eric sitting on top of the couch next to her and Kelso sitting on the chair on the other side. All watching TV. Jackie walks in and stands between Eric and Kelso.

Eric- Oh hey guys, its Kelso's loyal girlfriend Jackie!

Hyde, Fez, Donna- (in “I know something you don’t know” voices) Hi Jackie

All 3 look at each other suspiciously

Jackie- Ok, I’m not here to stay, just came to get Michael (to Kelso) Come on.

Eric- Oh no, stay, were just gonna hang out and fool around, we all know how much you like to… fool around.

Jackie- Ok Michael, c’mon lets go to the hub

Kelso- No, I wanna stay here and fool around.

Eric- So hey Jackie, how’s it going down at the Cheese shop, you must be so tired from… giving it away at the mall.

Jackie glares at him, Hyde, Fez and Donna laugh and then look at each other suspiciously again.

Fez- What are you laughing at?

Hyde- I don’t know, what are you laughing at?

Fez- I don’t know

Hyde, Fez- What are you laughing at?

Donna- I don’t know

Kelso starts to laugh

Hyde, Fez, Donna- What are you laughing at?

Kelso- I really don’t know!

Jackie- C’mon Michael, lets go!

Eric- No, lets stay. We could play monopoly. Oh but that wouldn’t be much fun since we all know that… Jackie cheats

Jackie- (shocked and mad at Eric) I do not!

Kelso- Oh you do cheat, we’ve all caught you

Everyone laughs, Jackie looks worried.

Scene 6- Auto Show, Daytime

Kitty and Red get out of the corvette

Kitty- Red, this is supposed to be out special date; there is nothing special about an auto show!

Red- Oh no? How bout its special because you’re the only woman here. You’re the queen of the auto show!

Kitty- (praying) Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I…

Red walks to her side of the car

Red- Oh come on Kitty! It’ll be fun. Your always saying we should share each others interest

Kitty- I only said that to get you to go to the figurine festival

Red looks at her

Kitty- Ok, I do, I want us to share each other’s interest so ill start. Teach me about cars. I’m excited.

Red- That’s my girl (distracted) Holy crap! Look at the paintjob on that T bird! Wait here ill be right back.

Kitty- Wait? Wait here?

Red- Well, someone’s gotta guard the car, who better than the queen!

Red walks off. Kitty looks around unhappily and goes to sit on the car

Red- (shouting off screen) Not on the bumper!

Kitty gets off quickly

Scene 7- Foreman kitchen

Eric is eating cereal; Jackie walks in from the screen door behind him. She stands next to him

Eric- Oh Jackie, great, just the person I was looking for, look I've got this… itch right above my shoulder. Be a good girl (points at where itch is) Give it a 'lil scratch (pouts)

Jackie- (ignoring him) Eric I came here to talk to you about what happened yesterday

Eric- Ok but, (points at shoulder) I cant hear you with the scratch

Jackie looks defeated and turns around and grabs a utensil from the kitchen bench. She goes behind him and starts scratching the spot with the utensil

Eric- Yeah

Jackie- Things between me and Michael have been weird lately. And when Todd kissed me, I guess I just gave in because I felt vulnerable. But I made a terrible mistake. And I was hoping you would show me some compassion.

Eric- Compassion. Wait, is that the feeling you get when someone just shined your shoes? (Reaches under the table) Because if so you are in luck! (Places a pair of shoes on the table) Aaaaaaand Go

Jackie looks at him, then sits on the chair next to him and puts the utensil down on the table.

Jackie- You know what? I don’t think so! You see I may have kissed Todd, but you knew about it all along and didn’t tell Michael. And that is way worse than what I did.

Eric- Wait, what?

Jackie- Yep. See, girlfriends are supposed to lie. That’s what we do. But best friends are supposed to be loyal. And you weren’t. So guess what, your screwed because I’m telling Michael everything.

Eric- You wouldn’t

Jackie- Oh, I SO would

Eric- Oh yeah?

Jackie- yeah

Eric- Oh yeah?

Jackie- Yeah

Eric- Well, Well, Well, this certainly… blew up in my face! (Eric slams hand on table)

Commercial break, then back to same setting

Jackie- When I tell Michael what you did, he’s gonna forget all about what I did

Eric- Unless I get to him first

Jackie- You wouldn’t

Eric- Well, to quote a certain manager kissing cheese maiden I know- I SO would

They stare at each other

Eric- Aaaaaaaaaand go!

Jackie jumps up and goes out sliding doors, Eric jumps up and runs through kitchen door

Montage

Song- One way or another

Jackie and Eric enter the basement at the same time, Jackie through outside door, Eric down the stairs, They meet each other in the centre, they both go left, then right, then out the way they came.

Jackie goes running towards Kelso’s van, she opens the door but Eric is inside and waves, she turns around and he runs out as well

Jackie runs into the Cheese store through the staff room, Eric runs in through the front, Todd is at a cheese display setting in the middle, they both run up to him

Jackie, Eric- Dammit, not here!

They both run in the same direction out the front but then Jackie stops and runs back to talk to Todd

Jackie- (really quickly) Ok Todd, look, I know we kissed and its probably like, the best kiss you’ll ever have but it didn’t mean anything and nothings gonna come of it, so your gonna have to get over me. Oh and you know what, please don’t fire me because I really need this job, ok great! (pats him on the back) see you tomorrow

Jackie runs off again and Todd looks sad

Scene 8- The Hub

Eric runs in and sees Jackie and Michael at a table in the centre. Michael looks really sad and angry.

Eric- Look Kelso, I am so sorry!

Michael stands up

Michael- (to Eric) Just get out of my way

Michael walks out and Jackie stands up

Jackie- (sobbing) Wait Michael!

Michael slams the door and Jackie looks away upset

Eric- Great! He hates me right?

Jackie- No, he hates me!

Jackie sits back down

Jackie- We didn’t even talk about you, I mean, I told him about the kiss and he just stormed off. I couldn’t even tell him I’m sorry!

Pause

Eric- Ok well, I’m not going to feel sorry for you so… you cant make me

Jackie- (crying) I just love him so much!

Eric looks up to the ceiling and laughs bitterly, giving in to feeling sorry for Jackie. He sits down across from her

Eric- Ok look, Jackie, its just one kiss right? That’s not so bad. I…Just tell Kelso what you told me about you know, how you felt vulnerable and stuff.

Jackie- He doesn’t even wanna see me!

Eric- So, you know what? Well go and hang out in my basement and wait for him to come by. He left his bouncy ball there so you know, he’s bound to be back sometime.

Jackie- You would do that for me?

Eric nods

Eric- As long as you promise not to rat me out

Jackie- Deal. So… friends?

Eric nods

Eric- As long as you promise not to tell people were friends

Jackie nods, smiles and wipes away her tears

Scene 9- Circle Scene

Kelso- You guys are never going to believe this, Jackie cheated on me! With the cheese guy!

Hyde- (laughs the remembers he’s not supposed to know, with mock shock) NO!

Kelso- Yeah, I was just as shocked as you are!

Fez- Well, thank god all she did was kiss him

Donna- Yeah… wait, how do you know all she did was kiss him?

Fez- Kiss? Jahhh, I did not say kiss! Don’t make fun of my accent

Kelso- That cheese guys lucky he’s a little fella. Cause id kick his ass. Boom! (punching air) Right in the ass!

Hyde- Oh man, you gotta kick his ass! Like in Fantasy Island, if tatou took one of Mr Rourke's women up to his tower and put it to her, Rourke would slap that little dude like a drunk southern weirdo! And then he’d hit him off with some weird vicious voodoo

Donna- voodoo on tatou, voodoo, tatou, peek a boo, onedoo, kung foo, cu-cu-cachoo! I’m done.

Scene 10- Auto Show

Kitty is sitting alone in the corvette. Red comes up with a plate

Kitty- Well, looks whose finally back. While you were gone some guy came by to compliment me on my headlights. Pretty sure he wasn’t talking about the car

Red- I got us funnel cakes

Kitty puts her hand out

Kitty- It’s like a second honeymoon

Red- Kitty! Not in the car!

Kitty gets out of car and grabs the plate. Random guy at auto show comes up

Random Guy- Hey, nice ‘vette. You should come see the custom job I did on mine. Cost me three grand and a marriage.

Red- Three grand!

Kitty- and a marriage!

Red- Ill only be a minute Kitty

Red goes off and Kitty sprinkles the funnel cake powder all over the front seats of the corvette. She turns around and a guy starts to check her out

Kitty- What are you looking at gear head!

Scene 11- Shopping Mall

Kelso is leading Hyde, Fez and Donna and all are marching angrily. Kelso walks up behind Todd and knocks him. Todd turns around and Kelso towers over him, closely looking down on him

Kelso- Your ass is mine cheese puff!

Todd- How did you know my nickname?

Kelso- Wait your nicknames cheese puff?

Todd nods. Hyde punches Kelso's arm

Hyde- Stay focused, kick his ass!

Kelso- Yeah right, good, yeah (turning back to Todd) What do you think your doing kissing my girlfriend huh? Huh?

Todd- Well maybe if you paid more attention to that gorgeous creature than your little modelling gig, it wouldn’t have happened

Kelso- Little? That picture sold hundreds of young men’s briefs all over the greater Kenosha area!

Fez- (behind him and tough like) Its true, I bought 3 pairs, very supportive

Kelso- (turning back to Todd) Yeah so look, I know you’re a little fella, but I can’t let you go around kissing my girlfriend, so you’re going to have to take a punch

Hyde and Fez run to the side next to Donna

Todd- I understand

Kelso punches him in the stomach and Todd doesn’t even flinch.

Donna- That didn’t look like it hurt him at all

Todd- Well, I guess its my turn

Kelso- (backing away) hey, I didn’t mean to scare you little guy

Kelso grabs a board and holds it in front of him, Todd punches through it

Todd- I’m a black belt

Hyde- Alright! Didn’t see that coming

Scene 12- Foreman Driveway, Night

Kitty and Red get out of the corvette

Red- Thanks to your funnel cake accident ill have to spend half the night cleaning out the car

Kitty- Well, I hope you two will be very happy together

Kelso walks up and walks behind Kitty

Kelso- Mrs Foreman, Mrs Foreman, I have a black eye and I need ice

Kitty- (turns around) I’m not doing anything else for men today

Red- Just go away

Kelso- No! I’m not gonna go away. I’m having a really bad day. I got decked by a guy who kissed Jackie… he was huge. And she thinks it was ok to kiss him because I’ve been ignoring her for work, which I barely did! And I got a black eye and I need someone to care about me!

Kitty- (looking at Red) Well, well, well, Michael ignored Jackie and she kissed another boy.

Red- That is completely different! He ignored her for a stupid job; I ignored you for a car. Crap

Kelso- Oh burn

Red- How many times do you wanna get hit today?

Kelso walks into the kitchen

Red- Kitty, I’m sorry. Next time ill be happy to forget about the car and go to whatever figurine, quilting, macramé, man-killing thing you wanna do.

Kitty- (smiles) Actually there’s a knitting bee at the community centre right now

Red- Your kidding

Kitty- and you know what they say about those knitters, they spin quite a yarn!

Kitty starts to walk to the car

Red- You know what would really teach me a lesson? Leaving me at home to you know, think about what I’ve done

Kitty- If you’re not in that car in 2 seconds ill make you carry my knitting basket

Red- Coming dear

Scene 13- Basement

Hyde is in his chair, Donna and Fez are on the couch, Jackie is pacing behind the couch and Eric is standing facing them on the other side putting on a record

Eric- So Kelso got beat up?

Donna- Yeah, by the little dude at the cheese shop

Jackie walks and sits on the washing machine

Hyde- It was awesome man, like a hurricane of tiny fists.

Kelso comes running down the stairs and stands in front of Jackie

Kelso- Alright look Jackie, heres the deal. You cheated on me

Jackie- You used to cheat on me all the time

Kelso- Yeah, well, yeah. But you cheated out of hate and I cheated out of joy.

Jackie- I didn’t cheat out of hate, Michael. I cheated because lately you’ve been acting like I don’t exist

Kelso- Well, I sure know you exist now that you’ve frenched the whole mall! Look, I know that I need to pay more attention to you and I want to forgive you, but I have all this anger built up inside of me and nowhere to put it

Jackie looks down then smiles

Jackie- Eric knew about the kiss all along and didn’t tell ya

Michael turns and looks at Eric

Kelso- You knew?

Eric- Jackie?

Jackie- What’d you expect?

Kelso- You’re a dead man Foreman

Eric runs out through the door and Kelso and Jackie chase after him

Jackie- Get him Michael!

They run out and Fez, Donna and Hyde are alone

Fez- Well guys, uh, just so your up to speed, I knew about the kiss all along. Eric told me, he made me his secret squirrel.

Donna- What? That dill hole said I was the only one he told

Hyde and Fez- Me too!

Eric comes running back in laughing

Eric- It was hilarious, you guys should have seen it! Kelso’s foot got stuck in a gopher hole and… wait why are you guys looking at me like that?

Fez- I was your secret squirrel you son of a bitch!

Hyde- Get him!

Eric runs upstairs and the rest follow him and try to pull him down.

End episode

Credits scene

Bob, Hyde, Red and Eric are all staring at the corvette in the driveway. Kitty walks past and no one notices.

Red- 58’s the only one with a chrome detail

Bob, Hyde and Eric- Mmmmmmmm

Kitty walks past again and no one notices

Kitty- Men and cars… never got it, never will.

Kitty walks inside.