That '70s Musical

THE HUB

Hyde, Kelso, Jackie and Donna are eating fries at the Hub and Fez comes.

FEZ (handing out leaflets): Okay, my friends. Invitations to see Fez in tonight's Spring Sing charmingly illustrated by the hand of Fez.

HYDE: Great, something to put my gum in. Just kidding.

When Fez turns away, Hyde spits his gum in the leaflet

ERIC: Oh, man, this concert's tonight?

FEZ: Yes, it's tonight. I've been talking about it for weeks! Don't you listen to me?

KELSO: Fez, I don't know what you're getting so upset about. You know we don't listen to you.

JACKIE: Yeah I don't know, Fez. I mean, I'm still kind of tired from the party last night.

FEZ: Party? What party?

DONNA: You know, the party. You were there.

FEZ: No, I do not know, and I was not there. Someone forgot to tell me.

ERIC: Wait, are you sure? 'Cause I could have sworn you were there. Remember when the college girl got up on the table and took her top off?

FEZ: What?

LEO (coming in): Yeah, that was great, man.

FEZ: Wait, even Smokey the Bear was there? Fine. Fine, what's done is done. The important thing is where you're going to be tonight... at my concert watching me. Oh, it's gonna be such a wonderful evening. Music, good friends and dancing. Just like life should be...

He puts a quarter in the jukebox. The camera pans to the record that is spinning. It has Fez' face on it. It spins and we see Fez in the spotlight. He starts to sing

(Sing – The Carpenters)

FEZ: Sing, sing a song, sing out loud, sing out strong

LEO (joining Fez): Sing of good things not bad man..

FEZ: Sing of happy not sad...

The song turns to a rock song, we now see the whole gang dressed up in disco outfits.

ALL: La la la la la la la la la la la...

FEZ: Sing, sing a song, make it simple, to last your whole life long. Don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear. Just sing, sing a song... This is my favorite part.

The gang all jump next to him and end the song with a big guitar ending

THE HUB

FEZ: So, what do you think?

LEO: I think whatever you're on, I'll take two of 'em.

OPENING CREDITS

THE SCHOOL

Fez is practising his scales

FEZ: Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti, Dooo. Perfecto.

KITTY (walking up to him): Oh Fez, was that you? I could have sworn I just heard Wayne Newton.

FEZ; Mr. and Mrs. Forman! You came to my concert!

KITTY: Well, it's the Spring Sing. There is no place we'd rather be than the Spring Sing.

RED: Now Kitty, that's just a lie.

FEZ: Ay, here comes my music teacher, Mr. Wilkinson. He is unpleasant.

MR. WILKINSON: Are you the parents of this horrible little man? I'll have you know, he's been imitating my accent behind my back.

RED: Well first of all, we are not his parents and second of all... Well the rest of it, I just don't care about.

MR. WILKINSON: I'm moving you to the back row so that no one can hear that squawk box that you call a voice.

FEZ: The back row? But the back row is for the untalented and the ugly! Ay, you are no fun.

MR. WILKINSON: Music is not about fun. It's about passion and commitment. Have you ever been moved to tears by the warbling timbre of your own voice?

FEZ: No, because I am a man.

MR. WILKINSON: Urghhh... (he walks off)

KITTY: Well, he just, um.. He doesn't seem to like you at all.

FEZ: The British have always hated my people. We won the war, buddy. Get over it! Oh good one, Fez.

KITTY: Well, you certainly seem in high spirits.

FEZ: Of course. Soon all of my friends are gonna be here and we'll be all like a family. I wish you were my family. Oh, we would be so happy together...

ERIC'S BEDROOM

We see Eric's bedroom. Kitty comes in. Fez, Hyde and Eric are all in one bed, with their names on the bed panel above their heads

KITTY: Okay kids, it's nighty-night time.

ERIC: Good night, Mom.

HYDE: Night, Ma.

FEZ (after getting a kiss from Kitty on his head): That's my mama!

ERIC: I love you, Fez.

HYDE: I love you more!

RED (coming in): I love you the most!

FEZ: Daddy!

RED (gives Fez a nudge on the chin): All right. Sleep tight. And don't let the bed bugs put their foot in your ass.

KITTY: Okay, boys, lights out! And no more staying up till 8:30 giving each other hugs!

BOYS: Awwwww...

KITTY: See you in the morning.

She puts out the lights. We see the alarmclock spinning to 8 AM. It rings. Music starts (Happy Together – The Turtles). Fez, Eric and Hyde come dancing down the stairs

KITTY (coming in from the den): Imagine me and you...

FEZ: I do (he gives her a kiss on the head)

KITTY: I think about you day and night...

ERIC (hugging her): It's only riiiight...

KITTY: To think about the one you love...

HYDE (hugging her): And holding tight...

KITTY: So happy together!

They all form a row and dance to the kitchen

ALL: We're happy together!

THE KITCHEN

They enter the kitchen and stop. Red looks at them

RED: Are you people singing again?

FEZ: Yes?

RED (putting his paper away and joining them): Good, 'cause... I can't see me loving no body but you for all my life

RED & KITTY: When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue for all my life

HYDE: Me and you and you and me

ERIC: No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be

FEZ: The only one for me is you, and you for me

BOYS: So happy together!

FORMAN DRIVEWAY

They dance outside, onto the Forman driveway

ALL: I can't see me lovin' nobody but you... for all my life. When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue... for all my life...

The garage opens and we see the Vista Cruiser with a strings of lights around it. Bob is standing on the back

ALL: So happy together... So how is the weather? (Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba) So happy together (Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba)

They all get in the Vista Cruiser and wave. The camera pans to the garage

THE SCHOOL

KITTY: Well, that was... detailed.

RED: You are one fruity kid.

MR. WILKINSON: Now, remember singing is all about the use of the diaphragm.

He inhales and exhales. The girls giggle

MR. WILKINSON: And what's so funny about the proper use of the diaphragm? It's the muscle you breathe with. Below your bosom!

Girls giggle even more

MR. WILKINSON: Oh! Bloody imbeciles.

KITTY: So, this must be a very exciting night for you.

MR. WILKINSON: Yes, yes. If the mayor likes what he sees I'll be directing this year's Dairy Days Dance-abration.

KITTY: Oh, that is always wonderful. One time, they had a quartet dressed as cows and they sang Blue Moo-oo-oon. Ahahahaha! 'Cause they were cows! Ahahaha!

MR. WILKINSON: Yes, I'm sure you thick-headed Americans could hardly contain your grunts.

KITTY: Well, I thought it was delightful.

BOB (walking up): Hey everybody!

FEZ: Bob! Hey, I saved seats for you and the gang.

BOB: Oh, I don't think they're coming.

FEZ: Of course they are.

BOB: Well, you know, I asked if they needed a ride, but they said, No. When I left, they were just sittin' in the basement, laughin'.

FEZ: But the show's about to start.

BOB: Ooh! Then I better get to the refreshment table. Did you know that all that stuff was free? It says donations accepted, but you don't gotta put nothin' in.

FEZ: My friends are still in the basement? I wonder what they're doing.

KITTY: Oh, I'm sure they're just...

FEZ: Miss Kitty, please! I'm trying to wonder.

FORMAN BASEMENT

The gang is in the circle. Hyde checks his watch

HYDE: Ooh, guys. Fez's concert is about to start... Which means we have three more hours without his sorry ass! Let's eat his candy!

DONNA: Yeah (imitating Fez) My name is Fez. I love candy. Whore! Good day. I said, good day!

ERIC: Yeah and the best part is, that idiot actually thinks I'm his friend. Like I care. I wish he were dead. Oh hey, we should kill him!

KELSO: No, I got a better idea. Let's sing without him!

Music starts (The Joker – Steve Miller Band)

HYDE: Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah

DONNA: Yeah! Some call me the gangster of love mm mmm

ERIC: Some people call me Maurice

KELSO: Cause I speak of the pompitous of love

ERIC: Cause I'm a picker, I'm a grinner, I'm a lover and I'm a sinner

DONNA: I get my lovin' on the run

HYDE: I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight toker

ALL: Play my music in the sun...

We see the gang from above, they're doing hand gestures to the music. Then we see them in blacklight and they form a peace sign

THE SCHOOL

FEZ: So, they would rather make fun of me than come here.

KITTY: Well honey, you know, at least they're singing... like you'll be doin' real soon (sings) Happy song! Happy song! (to Red) Is there a bar here?

FEZ: You know, last night they went to a party without me... a topless party.

KITTY: What?

RED: Where?

FEZ: They were the first people to be nice to me when I came to America but maybe I am not their friend. Maybe I am just a goofy foreign kid.

KITTY: Well, can't you be both?

FEZ: I would settle for friend, but I don't even think I am that.

RED: Well, you still got goofy foreign kid. That's something.

BACKSTAGE

Fez and Kitty look out from behind the curtain into the audience

FEZ: Well, the butts are in the seats but not one butt is the butt of a friend.

KITTY: Well, this is just rude. They better have run out of gas or hit a deer or something.

MR. WILKINSON: Okay, places everyone! Let's show them what we've got. Teeth and cleavage! Teeth and cleavage!

FEZ: Well, that does it! Now I am mad! All they care about is themselves and their stupid, messed-up relationships. Boo-hoo! Love hurts! Well they deserve it!

RED: Aw, geez, not another one...

We see the Forman porch. The gang walk up to the driveway

DONNA: Do we really have to go see that foreign boy sing?

ERIC: I'm not going. I'm in too much pain from our breakup. Even though it was months ago, it still affects every part of my life. Me, me, me!

KELSO: No! Me, me, me!

JACKIE: Wait. What about me, me, me?

DONNA: Me!

ERIC: Me!

KELSO: Me!

ALL: Me!

A curtains flies past the screen. We now see a ballroom filled with smoke. A close-up from Eric in a white tuxedo. He sings (Love Hurts – Nazareth)

ERIC: Love hurts, love scars...

KELSO: Love wounds, love mars...

DONNA: Any heart, not tough...

JACKIE: Or strong, enough...

ERIC: Take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain...

JACKIE: Love is like a cloud...

DONNA: It holds a lot of rain...

KELSO: Love hurts...

ALL: Ooh ooh love hurts

Suddenly the song turns disco

ALL: Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, love mars. Hurts! Scars! Wounds! Mars!

The disco stops

ERIC: I know it isn't true

DONNA: I know it isn't true

KELSO: Love is just a lie

JACKIE: Made to make you blue

ALL: Love hurts. Oooooh love hurts. Oooohh...

THE SCHOOL

LEO: Wow, I just caught the end, but that was nice.

FEZ: Leo, you made it.

LEO: What this? No, I got this at a church sale. Hey, where's that dude and that other dude, and that girl and that dude, and the other girl?

FEZ: They're not here. It's just me alone. Always alone.

We see Fez close-up, in blacklight. He sings Happy Together, but very sad

FEZ: Imagine me and you... I do...we're happy (sniffs) tooogetherrrr (distorted)

THE SCHOOL

FEZ: Aw, forget it. I'm going home!

KELSO: Hi, Fez!

FEZ: Where the hell have you been?

DONNA: Well, we were on our way here when we passed by your music teacher's house.

KELSO: And I said, ''Fez hates that guy. Let's toilet-paper it!'' So...

DONNA: So we did!

We see a speeded up sequence of the gang driving in the van, TP-ing and egging the house. Blitzkrieg Bop – The Ramones plays in the background

FEZ: For me?

ERIC: Yeah, and then we had to go get some dog poop 'cause we looked at his porch and realized, Hey, Not enough dog poop.

The sequence continues with the gang and the poop

JACKIE: There's enough dog poop now.

HYDE: And we got you an opening-night present (he hands Fez Wilkinsons mailbox) Congratulations, buddy!

MR. WILKINSON: Bloody hell, is that my mailbox?

FEZ (imitating Wilkinson): Bloody 'ell, is that me mailbox?

KELSO: That's dead on!

MR. WILKINSON: Yes, I'm sure you'll all remember this fondly as you rot in your Barcaloungers cheeseburgers clenched in your fat American fists!

FEZ: You got that right, buddy!

KITTY: Aw. Look who has so many friends!

RED: Don't ever leave him alone with us again.

FEZ: I'm so glad you came. Tonight wouldn't mean anything without you guys.

ERIC: Aw Fez, we wouldn't miss it. I mean...

ALL: There's nothing more that I like to do, then take the stage and dance with you. Keep dancing, let's keep dancing...

They all run off and appear on a stage, dressed in disco clothes. They sing and dance to Shake Your Groove Thing – Peaches & Herb

ALL: Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah, shake it, shake it. Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah, shake it, shake it. Show the world we can dance, bad enough to strut our stuff. Funky sounds wall to wall, we're bumpin' booties, havin' us a ball, y'all. Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah...

KITTY: Shake it, shake it.

ERIC: Shake your groove thing...

FEZ: Shake your groove thing...

HYDE: Yeah, yeah!

JACKIE: Show 'em how to do it now!

KELSO: Shake your groove thing...

LEO: Shake your groove thing

RED: Yeah, yeah!

ALL: Show them how to do it now, show them how to do it now. Shake it, shake it! Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah. Shake it, shake it! Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah, shake it, shake it. Ah shake it, shake it, ah shake it shake it... oooooh!!

THE SCHOOL

FEZ: Boy, do I know how to shake it.

MR. WILKINSON: Imbecile, you're on!

FEZ: Well, that's my cue! This is just like A Star Is Born, and I am Barbra Streisand. Love me!

FORMAN BASEMENT – THE CIRCLE

FEZ: I'm so happy to be back home with my friends (sings) Some people call me the space cowboy...

ERIC: No, nobody calls you that. And if anyone's the space cowboy, it's me.

HYDE: What? In your dreams, Forman. I am widely acknowledged as the space cowboy of this group. And I also call midnight toker.

MR. WILKINSON: Wow. This cheeseburger is bloody brilliant.

END CREDITS