Howard the Duck

Hi, honey, this is your mother. Listen, I know you're very busy... ...with the new job but please try and call us. Did you get the birthday sweater we sent? We'll be home all weekend. Bye. Howard, Jim here. We still set for racquet ball on Saturday? Give me a shout, buddy. Bye-bye. Hi, it's Wendy. I had this really intense dream last night, Howie. I was running my fingers through your feathers, and all of a sudden... Well, you better come over tonight... ...and I'll show you what really happened next. Ciao for now, Howie. Hey, Ricky's back with you again for lots more Dance Frenzy excitement! Here's couple number three, our lovely Latin dance team... ...from Wedford Falls. Charles is a Machinist First Class in the Navy... ...and his darling wife, Madge, is a blackjack dealer. Just a super jock dance. Charles and Madge! - Come on, let's hear for them, folks. - What's the matter, George? Jock itch again? I've got just the thing. Here. Why not take a shot of New Shorts Blaster? It's guaranteed to wipe out feather fungus... ...in even the most active crotches. - Shorts Blaster. In addition, you've won a new car! - But that's not all. - Nice... Oh, Fred, I love you so much. - It hurts like hell... - He's dead. $79.95? Forget it! $49.99? No way! I'm crazy and my prices are insane! Whdid they interview this mnth? My little airbrushed beauty. What? Oh n, it's a quake! I can't get up! What's ging n here? Casey, did yu hear smething? I'm such a lucky girl. I'm in lve. he Csms. Cuntless wrlds upn wrlds. Wrlds withut end. In these galaxies every pssible reality exits. And what is reality n any ne wrld is mere fantasy n all thers. Here, all is real and all is illusin. What is, what was and what will be start here with the wrds... ..."in the beginning there was... ...Hward the Duck!" By...! I'm a dead duck. Hey, cme n! N! Hey Bender, gn in, Frankenweed. We finally fund yu a date. What is this? Hey! That cstume dn't fI me. Nkids allwed. - Cme n, Kid. - Wait a minute, that's my date! I said ut f the way! N, wait! Yu little creep! Get away from my cart, yu filthy degenerate! - Christ, it touched me! - What the hell is it? - I wasn't trying anything! Hnest! - Step n him! Up and away! Are yu ready fr an incredible story? - Waste it, man, waste it! - N! Talk abut a rtten day... Just saw yur shw! - Great, thanks. - Beverly, we lve yur music. - Bye nw. - Culd I hae yur autograph n my shirt? Me to. On my shrts? - Real charming. Just gaway, kay? - We're talking to yu, big rck star! - Dn't try anything! - Dn't gsnt nse n us. - We're yur biggest fans. - Let me g! Help smebdy, help! Help! Cme here, snt nse! hat's it. Nmre Mr. Nice Duck! Let the female creature g! Every duck's gt his limit, and yu scum have pushed me ver the line. Jimmy, dyu like see what I see? - A talking duck? - Yeah. hat's it. I'e been ding tomuch tot. Sht! Fly away! Nne laughs at a master f Quack-F! Jimmy, yu kay? Get ff me! Yu, creep, get ut f here! Yu're breaking my fingers! Nw, yu and baby face are gnna beat it, right, Mr. Zitz? Befre I get really mad! Cme n! Let's get ut f here! his is bViusly nplace fr an intelligent, sensitie duck. his is unreal. I mean, it can't be. - hanks. - Yu're nt really a... ...a duck? Yu knw, this is beginning to seriusly undermine my self-esteem. I'm srry, I guess I shuld thank yu fr chasing thse guys ff. - Are yu kay? - Yeah, sure. Terrific. I just hae ne giant questin. Where am I? Oh well, he lights up there are Ninth Street and the bus stops at the crner f Pwell. N, n, n, n. I'm asking, what is this place? - Cleeland? - Cleeland? Uh-huh... hat's a perfect weird name fr this planet. Planet? N, n, that's a city. he planet's... Yu dn't knw the planet? Oh well, the planet's called Earth, I think. And I'm bViusly in sme srt f terrible nightmare. Oh yeah? Yur nightmare r mine? Gd pint. S, I guess I better be ging. hanks again. Bye. Bye... Listen... Yu gt smeplace to g? If I had smeplace to g, I certainly wuldn't be in Cleveland. Cme n. Nice place. Dyu pay to live here? It's cheap. he manager f my band fund it fr me. I suggest yu find a new manager. I'd lve to, but we gt this damn cntract with this sleazid. He wn't even give us the mney he wes us. Cme n in. It's srt f a disaster area. We'e been wrking n sme new sngs, yu knw. See, the band's called Cherry Bmb, and... ...we'e been playing these grungy mng-hles waiting fr ur big break. Yu dn't hae any idea what I'm talking abut, dyu Mister... - Hell. ...Duck? - It's Hward, thank yu. - Right, Hward. Hi, I'm Beverly. Listen, wuld yu like smething to eat r drink? Milk? I culd put it in a bwl. Dll, I dn't drink ut f bwls. Yu gt a beer? Beer? Right, beer, right. Gd, I can't believe this. - I'll put yu in a bwl. - What? N... Give me a break. - What's this? - It's a purse. - I gt it at a swap meet. - Cute. - Big ne... - I'm srry, I'm snervus. It's just that I've never been around a... I mean, I've never even had any pets r anything, yu knw? hey seem like such a hassle. Yu knw, feeding them... ...cleaning up their little p- ps. - I'll try to be careful. N, I didn't mean that yu... Lk, why dn't yu just sit dwn... - Okay, why nt? - And make yurself at hme. - Make myself at hme? I wish. - Listen. Oh n, nt again! Hward, it's kay. Are yu all right? - he chair started shaking. - It was just a big truck ging by. A truck? I knew that. What I dn't knw is what the hell I'm ding here! It's like a bad trip. I mean, talk abut an identity crisis. Yeah, what an awful thing to happen. Hward, I was just kinda wndering... ...des everybdy in yur planet lk like yu? - Obviusly, why? - Nreasn, just wndered. S, what dyu dback hme? Yu gt a jb? Yu gto schl? - I went to med schI fr a while. - Yu went to med schI? Yeah, my parents wanted me to be a dctor. Plastic surgen, making big bucks, ding big jbs, tail tucks. - What happened? - I dropped ut. And I decided to educate myself in the real wrld, n the streets. S, I wrote sngs at night and did cnstructin wrk by day. Ww. hat sunds great. Yu knw, I write sngs to. - What kind f... - Listen, it desn't matter. It was all a pipe dream. I gt stired f everyne saying: "Grw up, Hward". I guess I finally did. Last mnth I gt what they call a "prmising jb". - Yeah? Ding what? - Adertising cpywriter. Only twthings touch my feathers, this "Oil f Night Fwl" and him. I wrte that. Geez, Hward, it srt f sunds like yu sld ut. Maybe. But smetimes I still get this feeling... ...there's sme kind f special destiny waiting fr me. Hward, that's it. Maybe that's why yu're here. - What? - I mean, I believe... ...that there are naccidents in the unierse. Maybe yu're here fr sme greater purpse. - Sme csmic cause. - Are yu nuts? I gt nintentin f being stranded here. I gtta get back. - Hw, is anther matter. - Yeah, right. We gtta get sme help. But, Hward... Oh, geez... Hward...! What am I gnna dwith yu... ducky? - his is humiliating. - I just dn't want peple... ...freaking ut all ver the place. - What abut me? I'm gnna have to see a psychiatrist... ...every day fr the rest f my life. - Relax, we're almst there. - Oh, gdy. - Phil's a scientist. He can help. - Hward, this isn't wrking. - Tell me abut it. Can I give yu a hand with that? - N, we're ding... - What's in the bag? I'm ding fine, thank yu very much. Let me ut f here. - Excuse me. Can I help with that? - N! Yes! Why are we stopping? - Hi. - Hi, Beverly. We had an appintment. We gt here as fast as we culd. Gd... Listen, everybdy, this is it! I'e just seen it! It's in there! It's a... it's... It's... It's nthing! It's nthing, never mind. Carry n, Dr. Chapin. his is amazing. Man's Idest fantasy. Acrss a sea f stars! Lk up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! - N, it's a duck! - Phil, yu gtta help us! - What are we gnna d? - Nice ducky. Me Phil, yu Hward. We be friends. Undubtedly n f Earth's greatest minds here. Hey Phil, dn't talk to him like that. He's just as smart as yu are. - Nw I'm really depressed. - Highly intelligent, perhaps even... Wait, that's it. We're abut to see... ...if subject has any abilities we dn't have n Earth, any... - What? ...shall we say, super pwers? Hward! Can yu bend this? - What are yu, crazy? - Hward... ...can yu burn a hle through this with sme kind f eye laser? Can I bite yur nse ff with my super bill? Hward, quit hlding ut. I want yu to cncentrate... ...and read my mind. - Right. Yu're thinking: "hey knw I'm a phny. hey knw I'm a y- y." Tell me if I'm warm n any f these, Phil. I want yu to lk into the future and tell me what yu see. - I see myself walking ut that dr! - Yeah, me to. - N, n, n, wait! Yu can't leae. - Yeah, why nt? Because there are papers to be written, there's research to be dne... ...and there's sympsiums to give, lecture tours. Hward, we are n ur way to the Science Hall f Fame. Lk ut, Darwin! Lk ut, Einstein! Hell, Nbel Prize! We're nt here to make yu famus, Blumburtt. Beverly, listen, I never bad-muthed thers... ...in the scientific fraternity, but yu bring in an alien in a bag to mst guys... ...and Wham! They are talking. Let's cut him into little pieces and see what clr his rgans are. I just wanna knw: A: What I'm ding here? And B: Hw I'm gnna get back? Piece f cake. A: I'm just the guy to help... And that's because B, I'e already gt a thery. - What thery? - Well, this is, f curse... ...the evlutinary ladder shwing hw man progressed... ...frm mnkey, to me, fr instance. - Yu cnsider that progress? Geez... Yu're all hairless apes? hat's really disgusting. Nw, I want yu bth to imagine smewhere in the unierse... ...is Hward's wrld. Picture it in yur mind. A wrld almst exactly like urs... ...except that the progenitor f the dminant species... ...was nt a mnkey but a duck! - Sme thery... Every schI duck knws this stuff! And as duck climbed up the evlutinary ladder... ...he said adis to his wings. His mental capacity increases. He begins to develp. Beverly? - Shpping malls? - N, tribes. Cr- Magnn Duck, whultimately evlves into Hward. Hey Blumburtt? Blumburtt? - Cme n! - What the hell are yu ding? - What? - Dn't moe! Dn't breathe! Did yu finish cleaning up the specimen lab? Almst finished. Well, get dwn to the Marine Lift Exhibit with a mp. Sme kid upchucked all ver the fern fssils. Right. Gd as dne, Dr. Chapin. S, Philsey, yu are a scientist r a janitor? I'm a lab assistant. - hat's terrific! Just perfect. - Yep, I'm ut f here. Lk, it's just a temprary jb until I finish schI and get my wn museum. - Yeah, stuffed yu'd make a great exhibit. - Hward! Hward, wait! - Typical hairless ape. - Hward, lk, cme n. Dn't flutter ff in a huff! Beverly, listen... ...I've gt sme imprtant matters to clean up here, but I'll call yu tonight. I'll figure ut a way to help Hward, I swear. - Just dn't shw him to anybdy else! - Yeah, they lk hungry. - Get them a banana. - Hide him! ake him to a mvie! - I didn't knw where else to gfr help. - Inside, Blumburtt. - Cming! Cming! - Hward, why are yu spissed ff? Why? Listen, if yu gt blasted millins f miles thrugh space... ...ended up n anther planet... ...and were gien an I.Q. Test by a janitor, yu'd be pissed ff to! Lk, maybe yu are trapped in a wrld yu never made... ...but I gt prblems f my wn. My whle career is falling apart. Yur career? What abut my life? - I'm stranded here, ship wrecked! - Lk at this wnderful exhibit. Yu see what I mean? I'm a freak. An utcast. - It's slife-like and realistic. - Bug ff. - Excuse me? - I said, "beat it". Mutants. Yu, to. - Leae me alne! - What? I dn't need any mre f yur sympathy, yur charity! Okay. Okay, fine. I mean, I just fund smething... I meet smebdy in a pretty weird predicament and I was trying to help. But if that's the way yu want it, then slng, ducky! - Dn't shed any tears ver me, tots! - Yu can wallw in yur wn self pity! Right! Well, whneeds yu? - I dn't need anybdy! - Yeah, right. Yeah... Damn it! I can't sit here n my tail feathers feeling srry fr myself. I'e gt to think abut practical matters: Fd, shelter... a jb. Nw yu dknw why yu were sent to me? My cntinuing streak f bad luck? Yu'e been sent to me because I'm famus fr finding jbs... ...fr little slackers like yu. hat's right. hey send me all the psychcases. All the misfits. All the phnies and the fakers... ...whthink thatby traipsing in here lking utlandish... ...they're nt gnna be able to find wrk! It's my fault I gtta shplift at the little tyke sectin f gdwill? I'm nt talking abut yur clthes, I'm talking abut yur face. Hey... Yu think that by lking cntroersial... ...yu're never gnna find a jb and just gn cIlecting unemplyment... ...and liing happy n the public dugh. Well, dude, yu'e gt anther think cming! Because Cra Mae always places her interviewee. I'm gnna find yur ass a jb. hat'll wipe that snarl right ff yur face, little whatever yu is. In fact, I think I gt just the psitin fr yu! I gt a feeling yu're gnna take to this jb like a duck to water. Towels, ltin? Antibitics? It must be mating seasn. Creepy little dude. Hey! Shrty! It's Hward, thank yu, and I'm taking a break. Pardn me, Yur Alneness... ...but we seem to hae a plugged up airjet in number five. - And? - And...? And since yu are suppsed to be the water expert I asked fr... ...yu are ging to fix it! Oh n... N, n, n, wait, wait. I gt a better idea! Wait, wait! - I can't swim! - Whps, kid, guess I slipped. Dn't mind me. I leae that creepy little dude in here to clean this place up... Hw am I suppsed to run a class... Guess I slipped. Just came by to tell yu: I quit! Excuse me. Getting ff. My stop. Hi, there. Hw are yu? Gd to see yu. Yeah, same to yu! Urban jungle! Geez! - What is that? - hat's a duck... - What is that thing? - hat's a duck, man! Forecasting our week of fair weather for you duck hunters... ...and for our lucky field reporter, Steve Cannelli. Well, Bob, it's time to dust off those decoys and practice that squawking... ...because duck hunting season has officially opened. - Duck hunting? - The Live Wild Commission... ...has actually doubled the limit of ducks that can be shot. - Sht? - Reaction of the local hunters... ...has been enthusiastic. This duck has come to America with Duck-A-Roni. N! But if every hunter could blast 15 of those in the sky... Hey, buddy, what's the rush? his way is todepressing. Okay... Give me a beat! One, tw, three, fur! Hney, I lve yu! I lve yu! Cme n! I'm right here. Beverly, I'm yurs after the shw. Alright. - Here's the mney fr the girls. - I'll make sure they get it. - Yeah, I'll bet. When? - When? When Bdacius Beverly stops hIding n to me. I'm gnna inite her up to my place tonight fr a little career manipulatin. I guess yu must be the girls' manager. And if yu are... ...I dn't like the way yu're talking abut Beverly. And I want the girls' mney! - Ritchie? Wuld yu... What is that? - Oh, lk, Ginger... ...I warned yu when yu gt into rock management... ...yu'd be dealing with entertainment types. Yu knw, different strkes and all that? Hey, hey, different life styles is ne thing, different life frms is anther. I'm nt in a real gd md tonight, Ginger. I want the girls' mney. Nw, is this gnna be easy... ...r is this gnna be truble? - Hey Ritchie... ...tell it to gaway. I'm nt up all my barnyard languages. Okay, duck, ut! Yu're gne! Yu're history! Yu little wise pecker! Arriederci, duck! - Mallard in the side pcket. - Adis, quack man. Very nicely dne. Hey, what's ging n ut there nw? - Alright, nw it's my turn! - Hey, cme n, duck! Take yur best sht! - You gt it! - Ritchie! Duck-kabb! N! Nearring in yur ther ear? I'll just make the hle myself. N, please, man, n. Man, please! Dn't! - he mney! - Sure. Sure, here! Yu take the mney! Take it! It's yurs! Take it! And, yu're nlnger their manager! Listen, kay. Everybdy in here is a witness. I'm letting the girls ut f their cntract, kay? Tell yur gns to stay back! I'm warning yu! - Stay back, Ritchie! - I bite yur face... ...yu're a dead man, Ginger! - What are yu talking abut? Space rabies! - Ritchie, is that a real disease? - I dn't knw, Ging. I heard smething abut that n the news. hat's right, space rabies! Yeah, ne bite... ...and it's agnizing death in 15 secnds. Bite, bite, bite! We're all music lvers, huh? Gd... What a die. - hse guys are a bunch f fIs. - Obviusly the wrng crwd. I'm running ut f sticks to thrw at peple! Sucks! - Nw wh? - Lk, tell him to gaway. Dwn here, dll. - Is Beverly in? - Ww! Geez, yu must be K.C.! - Meet Hward. - Ww! Hi, h, Hwie. We'e heard smuch abut yu. Of curse, we didn't believe it. Y, hw weird. - Hi ducky. - Hi tots. Hw's the wrld been treating yu? - Guess. - I was wrried abut yu. - I missed yu. - Well, sex appeal... - Sme guys gt it... and sme guys dn't. - Hward... Listen, I'm srry we fught. Yu're the nly friend I've gt here. Hi, srry I missed the shw. I came to watch yu undress, thugh. And I brought a pizza. Hward! By! hank Gd yu're back. I'e been wrking n the mystery f yur arrival. What's he ding here? Well, he and Rnette have srt f gt back together. I dn't knw wh's mre desperate fr dates, yu r me. What? Anyway, Hward, I was talking to sme astrol- physicists. Yu knw, the guys whdiscvered that Aztecs came from Mars? - Well, these guys cncluded... - N! ...that yu arrived here in a space craft millins f years ag... ...and must've remained frozen in ice. - Gaway! - Rnette, culd yu shut this by up? - Hward... - What's a pizza? - It's a circular Italian fd bject. Hward, I didn't buy that thery either, sI did sme research... ...and I discvered an ancient race f large ducks wrshipped by... ...primitive Smans. - Leae me alne! I was barking up the wrong tree. I knew that. But tonight I am getting cncrete evidence abut hw yu gt here. - Yeah... - Wait a minute. Oh, I gtta make a call. - Phil? - Nsex nw, I'm wrking. Gt a place to stay tonight? Oh yeah, by the way, I frgt. - I had a little talk with yur manager Ginger? - Yu talked to that slime? - What fr? - I gt yur mney from him. Ducky, I can't believe this! I alsgt him to agree that it was time fr him to step aside as yur manager. What? Yu gt rid f Ginger? - Mr. Duck, yu're wnderful. - Yeah... his is it! I'm ut f here! - Gd. - Hward! I'm abut to meet secretly with my cIleague, and he's bringing The Feather. What feather? - What are yu talking... - If it matches... ...it'll be the answer to all yur problems. - Matches? N, yu dn't! Stay away from me! - Yu leae him alne! - Let me thrugh! Gd, get a grip! I'm abut to unravel the mystery f yur arrival! - Cme back here, yu hairless ape! - Yu'll hae time to thank me later! - Get ut f here, geek! - We're gnna be famus. - Are yu kay? - Ah, it's just my pride. We'll ghme, ducky. Alright. Hey! - Little tune I never finished. - Yu play pretty gd. I had a grup in high schl. Hward and the Heartbreakers. Oh, heavy, Hward, ery heavy. Maybe yu shuld be ur manager. Wait a secnd. Maybe yu're just the kind f bizarro-influence we need. - Frget it. Nmre jbs here. - I think yu'd be a great manager. - I'm gnna suggest it to the girls. - I'e gien up trying to assimilate. I'e gtta get back to my wn kind. Althugh... I have develped a greater appreciatin... ...fr the female ersin f the human anatomy. Hward, yu really are the wrst. Cme n, let's watch Daid Letterman. Cme n. Okey-dkey. - Yu knw, I gt a feeling my life's really gnna change... ...since yu fell into it, ducky. - Yeah, well, I'm glad smebdy's happy. If I culd just get my career back n curse... ...I'd nly hae the Id standard wrry left. - What's that? - I just can't seem to find the right man. Maybe it's nt a man yu shuld be lking fr. Yu think I might find happiness in the animal kingdm, ducky? Like they say, dll, lve's strange. We culd always gie it a try. Okay... Let's gfr it, Mr. Mach. What dyu mean, kay? It was a jke. Listen, I'm pretty tired. It's just that yu're sincredibly sft and cuddly. Bev, let's be realistic. I mean, my apartment's zillins f miles from here. Yu're three feet taller that I am. I just can't resist yur intense animal magnetism. Whps... Anyway, where will it all lead? Marriage? Kids? A huse in the suburbs? Let's just face it. - It's fate. - N, it's nt! - I'e gt a headache. - And I've gt the aspirin. Be gentle. Just ne gd night kiss, sweet ducky? Cme n, Hward, I was just kidding. Gd night. My Gd. his relatinship... it defies all the laws f nature. N, it desn't. his is nt what yu think. We're just very gd friends. - Phil? - I'm srry. he dr was pen. - Whthe hell are they? - his is my friend Carter... ...and this is Dr. Walter Jenning. And I told them all abut yu, Hward. Yu were bViusly right. - Shw, shw him the evidence. - What evidence? We tested them, and they're bth frm the same fwl. Yu, Hward. - My feathers? - Hward, Hward, dn't gbeserk! - N! - On my planet, we never say die... ...we say kill! - Nw, wait a minute. Listen to me, small isitor. I can explain hw yu gt here. Dr. Jenning is in charge f the Astro-Physics Lab at Dyna-Technics. - Nw, n the night f September 18th. - hat's the night Hward landed. Yes, nw n that night we were initiating ur first... ...full scale test f the Laser Spectra scpe. - his was sht during the experiment. It was just a routine procedure meant to measure... ...the density f the gases that surrund the Alpha Centauri. Hwever, part way thrugh the experiment, there was a deiatin and... ...we lst cntrl f the laser spectra scpe. - What dyu mean, "lst cntrl"? - Sme unknwn frce... ...was re-directing the laser beam frm its riginal target... ...sthat it hit yur planet instead. - Hit my planet? Hw abut hitting my liing rm? Talk abut an invasin f priacy. When the beam hit, yu must have been caught up in a massie... ...energy inversin, which literally dragged yu through space... ...back to the pwer surce here n earth. - Radical. - In the lab that night... ...we saw a single feather fall. We weren't aware that the rest f yu, Hward... ...had landed in that alley just twmiles away. - Any questins? - Yeah. Where are my pants? - Hward, where yu ging? - To this lab f theirs. - What fr? - To hp back n bard that laser thing. hen all yu hae to dis hit the reverse lever to send me back hme. Right? Well, we hadn't cnsidered reversing the process. - I dn't think it's feasible. - Me, either. Nw, wait a minute. If we culd generate... ...a strong enugh hyper-charge... - Yu can't dthat. Yu mean the reflex mde might prvke a total reversal? - It just might be pssible. - It wn't wrk. - Yeah. - Sir. Dn't, dn't listen to them, Hward. I have gt yu bked n A.M. Cleveland. We can get the cver f Science Digest. We, we... - Butt Out, fur-eyes. - Yeah. Lk, yu guys, culd yu really send him back? If we did, we culd establish a cntinuing link between ur planets. But, he wuld hae to leave tonight while the alignment still exists. We can't affrd to wait. Yu mean I'm finally gnna breeze this fly trap? Ducky, this is what yu wanted. Yu're ging hme. - Yeah. - Right. Carter, call Larry hae him set up the initiatin prcedure. Tell him I'll meet him at the lab right away. Yu and Blumburtt can bring Hward. Yu are abut to make history a secnd time, my little friend. hanks... but nce was plenty. - Get to it. - Right. Yu knw, Hward, we culd hld ut fr a PBS special. Phil! Bev, get dressed. Aren't yu gnna see me ff? Sure I am. I just hpe they let yu take a carry-n bag. Lk, I'm gnna put n these Plaroids that we tok at the Club. hanks. hese'll help... ...r the guys back hme are never gnna believe me. - What's this in my bag? - Suvenirs... - I'm gnna miss yu a lt, ducky. - BeV... ...I dn't belng here. Yu knw I'e gtta g. Yeah. Lily had the dlphins. Custeau, the whales. Gudall the grillas. I had a duck. I culd have been a cntender. Bev? I'm nt a real sentimental guy. N, I bet yu were brn from a very hard-biled egg, ducky. Yeah. But, I dkeep wndering... Of all the alleys in the wrld I culd have fallen into that night... Why did it have to be yurs? Because, right nw... ...yu're the ne and nly thing that's making it ery hard fr me to leave. - here's nguard. - We shuld gback then, huh? Phil! - What? - Drive. What are these alarms? - Smething's happened. - What's happened? I dn't knw. - hat is really cI. - Right. Hld it! Security! My eyes! My eyes! It explded again! It was terrible! We have nright to tamper with the unierse. his des nt hld well. Is he kay? - Get ut f the way! - It's still ht! Get them ut f here! Head fr the emergency exits! Hward, where are yu ging? - Larry, where's Dr. Jenning? - Carter, cme here. Let me shw yu this. He was pre-actiating the laser spectra-scpe. We lst cntrl again and there was anther explsin. And, Jenning caught the full frce f the blast this time. Is he alright? Where is he? Yu see the bttom f the spectra scpe blew it to the wall... ...and Jenning just... just disappeared. - Excuse me. But is this gnna delay my take-ff? Is that... is that it? hat's unbelievable! Yeah. We brought Hward dwn the first time, but what if... My Gd, Larry, what if we brught dwn smething else this time? We're runding up all the scientists fr yu in the lab, sir... ...but I think yu better take a lk at this ther... this ther thing first. A thing... Hansen? Is that kind f precise, descriptie techniques they're teaching Rkies nwadays? A thing? I wanna knw what they're ding with Hward... - Excuse me, are yu in charge here? - Yeah. Why? Well, I wanna knw why they're harassing Hward. Wh's Hward? He had nthing to dwith it. Hward, Hward is just an inncent... ...thing? - N, duck! Just an inncent duck? hey wnder why I'm asking fr an early retirement. - Yu deal with this. - Wait a secnd, yu can't... Kirby, yu gt a "thing" in here, huh? hing. I'e had enugh! I wanna see my lawyer. I'e gt rights, yu knw? I'm suing. Yeah. Gddamnit, Hansen, get in here and get this friggen duck suit ff this nut! Sir! - Alright, get him! - Hey, hey, let me g! Yu big afs! On my planet we never say die, we say... - Nt my shrts! - Why nt? Yu perverts! - Lieutenant? - Lieutenant, there's nzipper. here's nbuttons. Nelcro, sir. I think the suspect's stuff is like inbard, sir. - Yeah. I think he's fr real. - If yur gns are finished! Let gn me! I'd like a wrd with thse s- called scientists ut there! - Oh, yeah? What abut? - Abut when they can rev up that machine... ...and send me back hme. - Listen, Hward... I'm gnna gtalk to the scientists ut there. Yu are gnna gplay sitting duck in a jail cell. - Lieutenant, what's the charge, sir? - Illegal alien. Cme n. - I'll get the car. - Alright. - Oh, a cigar! - Alright, that's hw it starts. Plice brutality! - Hey, stop manhandling him! - Hey, yu can't cme in here. Here's anther ne already lift. - Oh, nuts, I dropped my cigar. - What? Fire! - Fire... - Oh, geez, that's all I need. Slng, cpper! Desperate ducks cmmit desperate acts! Freeze! Bk him, duck! Give her the keys to the cuffs, flatft! Yeah. What are yu ding here tonight? You gt nID. - Lieutenant? - What? he duck gt away. Shut up, fl! Get him ut f here! Over here n the duble. Okay. I want this guy. he suspect is three ft ne inches tall. - hree-tw, thank yu. - Yu heard me. He's armed. hat means he's gt a weapn, right? - hat alsmeans he's dangerous. - Mi? Extremely dangerous. Sht to kill! Let's mve it ut! Cme n! Richard, cme with me. Okay... Let's g. - N, dn't sht. - We gie up! - ime ut! - We surrender. - Dr. Jenning? - What? - Mre cps. Cme n, hurry! - What? - Cme here. - Get ver here, Dc. - Hward, Hward... - What? he laser spectra-scpe malfunctined again. here was a tremendus explsin and then... ...I must hae blacked ut. hen suddenly I find myself ut here. - Are they after yu? - Des "sht to kill" sund serius? I'm probably finished, to. hse experiments were unauthrized. hey're probably gnna blame me. Oh, my Gd, he needs help. - Maybe we all shuld get ut f here. - Yu gt a car, dc? What's wrng with me? here's the back gate. - Gd, there's ncps. - I dn't hae a gate key. Yu'e gt a ft, dn't yu? Sstep n it. Lieutenant, a car crashed ut the back gate. - Headed towards Highway 5. - Alright, get ut an all pints. - Bulletin right nw. - Yes, sir! Hw the hell am I gnna explain a manhunt fr a duck? - It's a duck hunt. - Hansen, please, dn't start. Please? Can't yu understand? I'm telling yu I saw smething! Dc, yu're in shck frm the explsin. - And yu're imagining things. - Watch where yu're ging, damn it! Listen, an evil has landed. he wrld is in great danger. Yeah, it certainly is when yu're ut n the highway. Lk ut! Yu're gnna get us killed. It feels like smething inside me gnawing at my guts! - What's wrng with me? - Well, what did yu have fr lunch? Oh, by! Oh, by! Cme n, give us a break! Dn't clse yur eyes. he pain. It's like I'm transfrming inside. I'm afraid I'm abut to becme smething else. - Oh, great, like a sex change r smething. - Smething's grwing inside me. It's replicating and superseding all my internal rgans! Well, we'll stop at a bathrm, huh? hat mnster's shape I saw. N! - Jenning! - It's inside my bdy. his guy's delirius. He's nt making any sense. It's tolate. he end f the wrld is cming... ...and I will be the cause f it. Jenning, slw dwn! Steer, yu big y- y! Steer! Hward, step n the brake! Step n the brake! Oh, n! White line, wrng way. - he brake! Push, Beverly, push! - I'm trying! I'm dead. Yes, yu are. - Yu think that's funny, Jenning? - I'm nt Jenning any mre. he transfrmatin is cmplete. I am nw smene else. ry telling that to yur insurance cmpany. I think he needs cme cffee. Cme n. Oh, after yu. - Hey! - Srry. his is why I hate the night shift. I'm srry, we dn't allw pets n the premises. Hey, have a heart. Seeing eye duck. Touching, isn't he? Nt stight. What are yu ding? Falling in lve? Yeah, sit dwn. I need a beer bad. Gtta find a waitress. Yeah. - Hey, hney! Yu! - Yeah, I'm cming. - Here she cmes. - Ww! Yur kid's cstume is really radical. I'll bet he's crazy abut... - It... - Yeah, I'm very attached to him. Yur dad's srt f in his wn space. What dyu think he'd like to eat? I nlnger need human fd. I knw it's a drag... ...but yu're gnna have to rder sme fd if yu wanna sit here, s... ...hw abut the specials n the menu? Yu are abut to witness the end f the ld wrld... ...and the birth f the new. Hey, is he like ne f thse TV-Evangelists r smething? - Yeah... - Or smething. - I'm gnna kill smebdy. - It's kay, Hward. Why dn't we just have three specials and three beers? Right. - Pr girl. - Listen... Dr. J.! If yu culd tune back into reality fr a secnd. I dn't understand anything yu're talking abut. All I knw is I need that laser machine to get me hme. Is it still wrking, Jenning? Jenning! I told yu, bird brain, I am nt Jenning any mre! I am nw ne f the Dark Oerlrds f the universe. - Dark Oerlrd f the universe? - hat must be quite a respnsibility. Tonight the laser beam hit the Nexus f Sminus. What is that? A suburb f Cleveland? It lies beynd the planets. It is a regin f demns... ...to which we Dark Overlrds were exiled ens ag. - I hpe yu're getting all this. - Hward, what I'm getting is... ...that this man is very, very sick. Just as yu were brought dwn here accidentally. Tonight, the laser beam released me... ...from that regin f demns and pulled me dwn into that lab. Small unierse... During the explsin I entered Jenning's bdy. S... ...I hae disguised my true frm... ...which wuld be cnsidered hideus and revIting here. Lucky fr the peple eating. Yu rdered the specials, what's wrong? his will mean the extinctin f all existing life frms. - But yu haen't even tasted it yet. - What dyu think? - I'm into cannibalism r smething? - Hey. Are we like all in the same discussin here? I'll give yu a hint, dll. What's white, vid... ...and always reminds me f my birthday? - I dn't knw. he eggs! Get them ut f here! Gsh! Yu knw, hstility is like psychic bmerang. I can't believe this planet! Fried eggs. Yuck! - Just bring the beer! - Hward? Hward! - What happened? - Hw the hell did yu dthat? - My pwers are grwing. - Watch ut! - It is time nw. - What's that? It is the cde key. It will actiate the laser spectra scpe... ...when I use it tonight to bring dwn the ther Dark Oerlrds. - he thers? - Nw he's gt a whle gang. Well, screw them. I gt dibs n the laser first. Gimme that cde key. hat's my ticket hme! - Lk at his hand! - It's nthing. Lk at his face! Yes. Sn the Dark Oerlrds will engulf the Earth. - Nthing human will remain here. - Nthing duck's remaining here either! - Mve, we're ging! - Yu will get the check? - Hate to eat and run. - Hellthere. - Get ut f the way. - Hey, lk the talking duck. - Bug ff! - Lrd, what is that? Yu jackass, he's a ventrilquist. his guy here is ding the talking and this here's the dummy. Gahead, say smething, dummy! Yu might nt wanna hear what I'll say, Bz! Did yu make him say that, jerk-ff? Leave him alne! He was just in an industrial accident. - Stake a hike, Cwby! - Yu... - Yu're a dead duck! - Hey! - What's this? he key to yur duck-mbile? - Gimme that r yu're gnna be srry. Better watch ut, he's a master f quack-f! I'll quack-fhim! Cme n, BeV, run! All nice! Ging up! I'm srry! Hward! Hward! his ne's fr yu, cracker! - Gd sht! Gd sht! - Anther hungry customer! - Yu... - Tor, tor! Ol! I'm gnna get yu, yu dumb duck! Hey, by! - Call the plice! - Nt the plice! Call smebdy else! hey're gnna hurt Hward. An evil unlike any yu can imagine is abut to engulf the Earth. Oh, n, n, we hae fights in here all the time. - Yur rder is ready. - Are yu gnna just sit there? - She tok my eggs! - One special! - Hward! - Beverly! - Hward! - Jenning! - I culd use sme help here, buddy! - Cme n, let's get ut f here! Hward? Yu're nt getting away nw, yu stinking little bird! Hands ff my feathers! Put me dwn! Put me dwn right nw! Put him dwn! Hward may be a duck but yu peple are animals! He's my byfriend! hat's disgusting. Yu dn't make me prud to be a human! Let me just pay the check and I'm ut f here. - Freeze! - I can't believe that yu're just sitting here. Lk what they're ding to Hward! - Oh, geez! - Chicken fry! Where's the SPCA when yu need them? - I am nt amused! - I'm gnna barbecue yur bill, bird. Oh Great Duck in Heaven, this is the end f Hward. here's gnna be mre ilence! I hate ilence! Yu gtta gin there and beat them up. Jenning! Jenning, dn't just sit there! his is serius! - hey're gnna ck me! - ake that! - Stuff him! - Any last wrds? Yeah, Jenning! - He's my favrite duck. - Yu hardly knw him. Jenning! hey're seasning me! Wait, yu better let me up. - Yu dn't wanna get my friend angry! - Oh yeah? Why? Because he's ne f the Dark Overlrds f the unierse. And he can destry yu and the Earth, everything. Yeah, well, I didn't buy it at first either. Lk, they're laughing at yu and they'e gt Mr. Cde Key. Oh my Gd! - One, tw... - Wait a minute! Jenning! Lk! I warned yu! Here he cmes! - He must hae ate the chili. - Release the small water fwl! - Bring me the cde key, Hward. - Right! he cde key! Yu heard him! Cut me lse! Sunds like a brunch f bull-puckie to me! Oh my Gd! - Are yu kay, Hward? - Yes. - Enugh f this crap! - Yu, ut f here! If yu can't take the heat, get ut f that kitchen! - Where's the cde key? - It's clsing time! - he cde key! - It's nt nice to fI with the Dark Overlrd. - hey get the pint, Jenning! - Get ut f the way! - Nw's ur chance. - Yeah, cme n. his way. Cut it ut, Hward. - Ging smewhere? - Yeah, withut yu! - Mve the table ut f the way! - I can't, it's stuck! What's wrng? Hward, get dwn frm there! - Like I'm ding this n purpse? - Give me the cde key! Yeah? What if I dn't? Can't yu take a jke? Geez, yu brke my head. I will nw bring dwn the ther Dark Oerlrds. Hey, what abut me? Yu filthy scum bucket! Run! N! Beverly! Beverly? Lk ut! Yu killed him! Yu killed him! Beverly, I'll find yu! - I need yur bdy. - Creep, I've heard that ne befre! he Dark Oerlrds cannt exist n this planet... ...unless they grw inside a human bdy. - Gd, n! I hurt! Need energy. Watch ut! Mre energy! hat's the grossest! I'm gnna puke! Oh Gd! here was this big guy and this girl and this little kid. At least I thught it was a little kid. hen I flashed n reality, right! Bam! Hallween's nt till next mnth. I knw my rights. Where's my baseball cap? - Shut up! - Bastards! Nhandle... Philsey! Philsey! It's me. Hward. Hward, I gt arrested at the plant. I'm gnna have a criminal recrd. Jenning kidnapped Beverly. He's taking her back to that science lab. - What? Why? - He's sme kind f mnster. He's gnna bring dwn mre f his buddies. He's gt big plans. Like taking ver Earth. Philsey, we gtta get ut f here. Hward, this dr desn't have any handles... Get a rock r smething and break this windw. - Rck? - Windw. Let me try the dr first. - Hw we getting ut f here? - Cme n. Philsey, where we gin'? Hey, ver here. - It'll be dawn sn. - Hey, let's steal a cp car. Dn't yu think that wuld be a little cnspicuus? - Hitchhike? Cab? - What is that? Geez! It lks like an airplane. Well, it will be. We can put it together in ntime. Smebdy's weekend hbby's gnna get us back to that lab. Hey, we'e gt a saying n my planet. If Gd intended us to fly, he wuldn't have taken away ur wings. hat's really prfund, Hward. Culd yu find the tol box? Yeah, I knw why yu want a tol box. Yu gt a screw lse. Pwer. Oh n... hey just sptted the duck and the kid. - Where? - Behind the warehuse next dr. - hey're abut to take ff. - What dyu mean, "take ff"? - It's nt ding anything. - Cps! - Cme n, push frward n the throttle! - Okay, yeah. Full throttle! Full throttle! - Cps, Philsey! - 180, Hward. Right. One away! G! G! Cme n! Hurry! Cme n! - here's cps everywhere! - Nt in the air, Hward! Up, up! Lk ut! Prepare fr a take-ff. N, n! FIlw them! Bring them dwn and bring them back! I want that duck! Dead r alive! - It's suth-suthwest, Hward! - What? hat way. Stay lw! Beverly, I'm cming to get yu, sweetheart! Help me! Help! Smebdy help me! Please, help me! Please watch yur step. I think yu're all gnna find this ery interesting. Yu knw, hnestly, cngressman... ...this three-mile-island-China-syndrme- meltdwn-stuff, that's all history. he nly melt dwns arund here are the cheese sandwiches in the toaster ven. Wha... These Washington guys take a real beating n these junkets. Our nuclear reactor is pumping ut ne millin kilwatts f pwer. One millin kilwatts... ...pwer! - Yes, sir. Listen, I think we culd all use a cup f cffee. Help! Smebdy help me, please! Help! Let's g! Cme n! G, g! Run! Run! Run! I feel much better. - Nw lk at that! - Right pedal! Right pedal! - Damn it, that was toclse! - I'm just learning here! Hward, in pre-historic times yu flew. Fly, Hward! Find yur instincts. rust yur birdness. Fly! Hward, pull up! Pull up! - Touch dwn! - Great landing, Hward... ...but this isn't gnna get us to the lab. Yu said to fIlw my instincts. his is my nesting instinct. Oh n! - I'm flying blind here. - Shut up! Yu're nt flying at all! - Let her rip! - Bmbs away! Pull it up, Hward, were running utta land! - Wet stuff ahead! - Watch ut! Death from the sky to all duck hunters! ra, tora, tora! Vengeance is mine! Yeah! Hward! Banzai! Slw dwn. Slw dwn here. Hey! Hey yu, pull ver here! his is a smg device inspectin. - And I need... Shut ff the engine! - It is ff! Smebdy's pushing! Shut it dwn! Shut it dwn! What the hell is wrng with yu? - I wanna see yur license, Jack! - I have nlicense, I am nt Jack. Smg inspectin! What happened? We gtta get utta here! - Damage reprt, Philsey! - Fuel hse is busted! Rtor is wasted. Basically, we're dying here, Hward. - I'm bailing ut! - N, yu're nt! Yu're gnna get up there and fix this lawn mwer nw! - Philsey, hw's it ging? - I'm getting clse. - I'm n top f it! - Gd. Relax, Hward, I almst gt it! Philsey, I did a lp-the-lp. I'm getting gd at this! I'm... Hward! Up, Hward! Up! Geez, I thught I lst yu. Philsey, this is ntime fr water sprts. I'm just kidding, big guy. Please, scum, let me g! - Philsey, get back up here! - I'm trying! N, n, dn't sht! I'm an inncent hstage! - he duck's a lunatic! - What? He's a duck terrorist! He hijacked the plane! Hward, pull it up! - Welcme back, Philsey! - hanks, it's great to be back, Hward! Will yu watch the rad, damn it? Hey, anther car. Nbig deal! - Yes, big deal! Big... - What? Big, big, big... - Nwings. - Welcme to the club. Cming thrugh! hat was a lt f fun. I'd like to get ff nw. Slw dwn. Slw dwn! Relax, I'll just throttle this baby back. Yikes! - Philsey! I better tell yu nw. - What? I can't swim! Philsey, help! Philsey, help me! Neer heard f a duck that culdn't swim. Shut up and save me! We'e been through hell! Nw, if there's sme kind f mnster in here... Hward this is crazy! Phil, nduck is an island and if fate sent me here to sae Earth... ...then Hward the Duck is ready to fight! Damn! Yikes! - He's starting the spectra scpe. - Geez... He's gnna bring dwn anther Dark Overlrd. - We gtta get Beverly utta there. - Hey, take it easy, Cnan. What are yu gnna fight him with? We gtta find sme kind f... Wait! Carter shwed me smething here nce that might dit, if we can find it! Yu'll neer get away with this! We'll find it! Cme n, Philsey! Yu dn't scare me! Oh by, defense research! his is it! his is it! his is lcked! Okay, I knw where it is. It's n the right r the left r the... here it is. he neutron disintegrator. - And a big lck. - Rats! Okay, alright. urn me into a Dark Overlrd. I'll still spit in yur wrmy face! Welcome to Dyna-Technics. Authorized personnel only. Please insert code key. Authorized personnel only. Thank you. Hello Dr. Jenning. Please select your target and enter target coordinates. Thank you. Laser spectra scope is now targeting the Nexus of Sominus. Targeting is in process. Cme n, Philsey! Hit it harder! Way to g! - Hurry up! - he neutron disintegrator... ...was develped fr the Army until he cst verance... ...became really embarrassing... - Can it stop Jenning? heretically yes. Unfrtunately it's never been tested. Attention, all personnel, please leave the station... ...while laser doors are opening. Please, initiate spectra scope extension. Target is now locked. Target is now locked. Is this like stick-shift r automatic? Hward, yu hae to get into firing range withut him seeing yu! Right. I'll sneak up n him and then I'll blast him! Do you wish to bring the laser to full power? Dr. Jenning, I repeat: Do you wish to bring the laser to full power? Thank you. - What's this d? - N, Hward, that's the accelerator! Hward! - Yu're in big trouble nw! - Shut up! Run, Hward! He's in a bad md! Cme n, Philsey, mve! Let's crank her up! - Hurry! - Where's that button? It wn't start! - Watch ut! - Jump, Hward! - his is ur nly chance! - Get utta there. - Duck! - And proud f it! Philsey, yu saved my life! Are yu all right? - Terrific, Hward. - It still wn't start! - ry the seat belt, Hward. - Seat belt? Watsabe misua! Yu little pnd hpper. G, Hward, g! alk abut bad breath! urn it! Charge! Nw it's my turn. Dark Overlrd, I want yu! Prepare to eat beak! Slng, sucker! Hward! N! Hward? - Oh, by! - Hward? - Hward! - Yu're alright? I need this like I need anther tail! - Yu did it! - Hey! Get me dwn frm here! Cme n! - Dr. Jenning? - Hward, it's nt... - It's nt what? - he evil's nt inside me any mre. he explsin must have released it and it's lse! - What abut me? - he Dark Oerlrd is still here. Well, then I suggest we get Beverly and get the hell utta here! Philsey, get her dwn frm there! - What tok yu slng? - Nthing. Just gt arrested... ...sht at, handcuffed... I gt thrown ut f an airplane! - Guys? - He stuck his tongue in a cigarette lighter! Cigarette lighter? hat's really disgusting! - Guys? - What? Oh my Gd! Phil, Phil. Get up! Get up! - It's cming! - It's cming! I was just resting. Lk! here will be nescape! Gd by, stay back! Stay back. Oh, by! Hward! here ges Hward! We'e gtta help Hward, Phill! - What? Yeah, gtta help Hward! - We gtta help! - Cme n. Hward! - Here we g! Ging smewhere, Hward? - here's nescape. - Philsey! Dr. Jenning! Mther! - Do you wish to active the laser? - Yes. Thank you, Dr. Jenning. - He started the actiatin sequence. - He's gnna bring dwn mre f them. You may fire when ready. Four minutes to arrival. Philsey, Beverly, anybdy! Help! Three minutes, thirty seconds to arrival. Hward! Here! Alright! Slice salami! Yuck! Did yu lse smething? Alien specimens are arriving in laboratory in three minutes. Alright! Eat claw, duck! - Two minutes to arrival. - Belt, butt, trigger! One minute, thirty seconds to arrival. Puny little duck! Yeah! One minute to arrival. Hward! here's mre cming dwn. he machine, Hward. Yu'e gt to destry it! Blast it! Get them! N, Hward, dn't! - Yu'll never get hme. - Thirty seconds to arrival. Get them! Gdbye, Duck Wrld. Get utta there. Run! - Cme n! - Ten seconds and counting to arrival. - Over here! - Ten, nine, eight... ...seven, six, five, four... ...three, two, one... ...arrival. Hward! Oh n... I dn't knw where yu are nw... ...but I hpe yu're happier there. his wrld didn't treat yu very gd... ...but yu saved it, didn't yu? Hward? I am nt Hward anymre. Geez! All this smke, it's murder n the sinuses. Fled yu, didn't I? - Hward... - It's alright, tots. Well, alright, I'd like to dedicate this sng to ur new manager! G! Alright, get the mechanical. We're gnna release the big wave-0. Cue and ready. Cue and g! - Hward, Hward. Help me ut! - Yeah? - Release that rope there! - Gtcha! - Nt that ne! - Philsey, what's ging n? Get me dwn from here! I'e dne enugh flying. Philsey! Philsey! Philsey, dyu realize I culd have been killed up there? - What's this? - Rck 'n' Rll! Right! Give me fur! Yeah! Big, big, baby. Is that ht enugh fr yu? Hit a purple "A" fr yu all. Dit! hat's me! hank yu! Thank yu! We lve ya! - Hward, Hward, Hward, Hward! - hank yu! We lve yu! Nt bad fr a duck frm uter space. Yu were great, ducky.