Squid's on a Bus


 * [The episode begins with Squidward waiting impatiently for the bus.]
 * Squidward: [grumbles as he checks his watch] Where's that bus? I've been waiting for almost an hour!
 * Lady skeleton: [sitting on a bench] Heh. Almost an hour he says. [crumbles into dust and gets blown away by the wind]
 * [Just then, the bus arrives at the bus stop and the door opens.]
 * Squidward: [enters the bus] Hmm. [shows the driver his watch] Late again. [takes out a quarter] One coin. Exact change. [the coin winks] Exactly. [flips the coin] Late. [takes a seat as the coin falls into the coin deposit]
 * Bus driver: [rolls his eyes in annoyance] Oh, brother. [begins to drive the bus to the Krusty Krab]
 * Squidward: Will you please watch your speed? And stay in the lane. [looks on the floor] When was the last time you cleaned this bus? [sniffs] Ew, it smells like a narwhal's armpit in here.
 * Bus driver: [grows angry with Squidward's annoying comments] All right, that's it! [pushes the brake and stops the bus, making Squidward fall onto the window] Krusty Krab! [flips the window and Squidward slides off]
 * Squidward: You big clod! I could do your job better than you ever could!
 * Bus driver: [comes out of the bus] Yeah? Well, I could do your job better than you ever could! [pulls down Squidward's nose and flips it up like a window shade] What's his job?
 * Mr. Krabs: Oh, he's a terrible cashier.
 * [Squidward stops his head from spinning.]
 * Bus driver: That I could do!
 * [Squidward and the bus driver growl in each other's face until Mr. Krabs, acting as the peacemaker, gets in between them.]
 * Mr. Krabs: [pushes Squidward and the bus driver out with his eyestalks] All right, all right! Jumpin' jellyfish! I'm tired of you two bickering every morning! I say prove it! [switches hats with Squidward and the bus driver] Switch jobs right now and settle it once and for all.
 * Bus driver: I'll take that challenge.
 * Mr. Krabs: [to Squidward] You better get going, driver. You're already behind schedule. [heads back into the Krusty Krab]
 * [Squidward and the bus driver growl at each other before going to their new jobs. Squidward runs into the bus and the bus driver heads into the Krusty Krab. Squidward sits in the bus seat and adjusts the mirror. Squidward sighs happily with his new job and goes to pulls the lever to make the bus move. But he inexplicably made the bus move for a few moments due to the break being on. Squid's lack of experience in the bus causes physical harm to the passengers until he manages to put the bus into driving mode.]
 * Squidward: [humming to himself] Oh, I like this. [stops the bus and picks up an old lady] Good morning.
 * Mable: It's afternoon already, clown! [attempts to hit Squidward with her umbrella, but is halted by Squidward]
 * Squidward: Eh, ah-ah. No sharp objects allowed. [puts umbrella in a box full of sharp stuff; he hears munching sounds] Huh? [sees Ryan eating a Krabby Patty and begins talking through microphone] Attention: this is your cheerful driver speaking. There'll be no eating or drinking aboard my happy bus... [rudely takes the Krabby Patty from Ryan using Mable's umbrella] Especially Krabby Patties. [throws the umbrella and Krabby Patty out the window and drives away, leaving them stuck to a man's head; stops the bus at another bus stop] This stop is Coral Boulevard. Thank you for riding with your merry bus driver. And have a beautiful da— [opens the door and, much to his dismay, sees SpongeBob standing there] hey...
 * SpongeBob: Squidward!
 * Squidward: No!
 * SpongeBob: [hops onboard the bus] It's you! [jumps up and hugs Squidward] I've always dreamed one day I'd board a bus and see you driving it.
 * Squidward: Why am I in that dream?
 * SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, you're in all my dreams.
 * Squidward: [struggles to get SpongeBob off] Get off me and pay your fare! And you'd better have—[sees SpongeBob holding a hug wallet of coins] huh?
 * SpongeBob: Exact change. Exactly. [takes one coin at a time and puts them in the coin deposit] Clink, clink, clink, clink, [the screen becomes dark at night] clink, clink, clink, clink, [the screen becomes lighter at day again] clink, clink, clink, clink.
 * Squidward: Augh! Enough with the pennies! [swats the wallet away]
 * SpongeBob: [continues paying the fare with his coins] Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink.
 * [The scene changes to SpongeBob standing next to Squidward while driving. He pretends he's driving alongside Squidward.]
 * SpongeBob: [hums] Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward. [Squidward grumbles] Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward.
 * Squidward: What?!
 * SpongeBob: I'm helping you drive. [makes driving hand motions]
 * Squidward: No, you're not.
 * SpongeBob: Time to switch lanes. Better use my signal. [makings weird noises while pretending to drive]
 * [SpongeBob's fake driving annoys Squidward so much that is makes him lose concentration on the road. The bus swerves left and right, causing on boat to fly off the highway and crash into a billboard.]
 * Squidward: Don't help me drive!
 * SpongeBob: Okay.
 * [SpongeBob lets go of the invisible steering wheel and the bus nearly tips over. Squidward grabs the invisible steering wheel and sets the bus back up.]
 * Squidward: Whew! Oh, what am I doing?! Sit in the back!
 * SpongeBob: Okay! [heads over to the back seats and sits down]
 * [The scene changes to Squidward continuing to drive the bus. SpongeBob continuously annoys Squidward by seating in one seat to another.]
 * Squidward: [looks at the mirror and sees SpongeBob seating in the back; he goes back to driving, but sees SpongeBob in another seat] What—what the... [SpongeBob waves at Squidward as he sighs; he looks up, sees SpongeBob in the mirror, and screams]
 * SpongeBob: Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. [laughs and pulls himself out of the mirror] Aw, let me help. [puts a pillow under the brake] This is for softer braking.
 * Squidward: [tries to use the brakes, but he can't push it down due to the pillow shoved in between] Augh, the brakes don't work!
 * [The bus speeds down the road and Squidward tries desperately to push down the brakes. The bus gets coated with fire and zooms through the intersection at a fast speed. Squidward removes the pillow and presses the brake to slow the bus down. Squidward throws the pillow out the window and hits Frank. Frank turns around and gets angry that someone threw it at him. He throws the pillow at an old lady on a scooter. The old lady gets up and throws the pillow back at Frank. Soon, everyone in Bikini Bottom is having a pillow fight with each other.]
 * Squidward: SpongeBob, what is your stop, so I can take you there right now?!
 * SpongeBob: [steps on other people's heads while heading to the driver seat] Oh, I don't have a stop. Today is my bus riding day, the day I just pick a bus and ride it all day. [lays on Squidward's head]
 * Squidward: There's only one thing I can think of that could be worse. [screams as he sees Patrick waving at a bus stop] Augh! And that's it! [drives to bus pass Patrick, which makes him drill himself into the sand] Phew. I dodged that one. Heh-heh. [sees Patrick at another bus stop; he turns the wheel and flips the bus over Patrick; he continues to drive] Phew. That was close.
 * Patrick: [appears next to Squidward] It sure was. I almost didn't catch this bus.
 * [Squidward is completely overwhelmed and turns his head in anger.]
 * SpongeBob: Eeeee….Patrick! Wow! We're both on the same bus on our Just Riding Around On The Bus Day! What are the odds?
 * [Squidward's eyes spin like a slot machine. His eyes stop with SpongeBob and Patrick on them.]
 * Squidward: Yes, what are the odds?
 * Patrick: I got my bus money somewhere. [digs in his pants and pulls out SpongeBob] Oh, there it is! [puts SpongeBob down] Huh, I think I left my wallet in my other wallet.
 * SpongeBob: Don't worry, buddy. [holds out his back of coins] We've got exact change.
 * Patrick: [takes one coin at a time, licks them and puts them in the coin deposit] One...Two...Three.
 * [Squidward's eyes and nose melt off his face. The scene changes to Squidward humming to himself while driving. But his peace and quiet ended when SpongeBob and Patrick are shaking the bus while swinging onto bus straps.]
 * Squidward: You hooligans!
 * [Patrick injuries Fred with his overweight body while swinging. The ruckus in the bus causes Squidward to crash several boats on the road.]
 * SpongeBob: And now, SpongeBob will attempt to catch his high-flying partner, Patrick, while swinging from the strap of death.
 * Patrick: [swings on the bus strap] Hey—oh! [flips in the air, which amuses the other bus passengers]
 * [Patrick and SpongeBob prepare to finish their act. But just when SpongeBob was about to catch Patrick, Patrick misses and falls on an old lady's snail.]
 * Mable: Awwww. Ohhh, yes.
 * Squidward: Lady, get that horrible thing off your lap!
 * Mable: I'll do no such thing! He's my emotional support animal. [rubs Patrick's butt] Oh, yes, aren't you?
 * [SpongeBob crawls around on the floor and barks like a worm. Patrick hisses like a snail and they both chase each other under the seats. As hey chase, they hit the bus passengers as they sit.]
 * Fred: [gets hit by SpongeBob and Patrick] My leg!
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick continuously chases each other while hurting people on the bus. All the passengers, who are now in casts and bandages, have had enough with SpongeBob and Patrick's antics and exit the bus. Squidward closes the door and proceeds to drive. SpongeBob and Patrick sit quietly in the back. Squidward grumbles silently at them right before Patrick belches. He takes his head and is now really, really angry.]
 * Squidward: [growls] That's it!! I am throwing you two off right now! [heads to the back seat and Patrick is not there] Where's that pink pinhead?!
 * SpongeBob: Oh, he's in the restroom.
 * Squidward: Huh? [sees the emergency exit door] That's not a restroom, it's the emergency exit.
 * [A toilet flushing sound is heard. Patrick opens the emergency exit door in Squidward's face and climbs back in the bus.]
 * Patrick: You're out of toilet paper. Who's driving?
 * Squidward: Well, I am, of course. [sees no on in the driver's seat] Wah!
 * [Since the bus had no one in the driver's seat, the bus is driving out of control. It crashes into the end freeway sign and falls into a deep crevice. The bus's gravity gets slower and the bus lands safely on the ground. When SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward look out the window, they see everything completely smooshed. It turns out they landed in a place called Crush County. Suddenly, the bus begins to crush due to the pressure of the crevice.]
 * Squidward: This bus isn't designed for the pressure at these depths.
 * [The bus's rivets pop out and fly everywhere, nearly hitting SpongeBob and Patrick. Squidward gets hit by the incoming rivets and gets covered by them. Water leaks into the bus as it continues to get crushed. The pressurized bus smooshes SpongeBob and Patrick.]
 * SpongeBob: Aw, look at you.
 * Patrick: [chuckles] Look at you.
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick share a good laugh. A smooshed Squidward attempts to drive the bus through Crush County as the bus continues to pressurize.]
 * Squidward: We're gonna be crushed to death! I don't wanna drive a bus. [gets sprayed by water]
 * SpongeBob: I don't wanna be crushed!
 * Patrick: [holding a sandwich] I don't wanna eat this sandwich! [the sandwich gets smooshed] Ooh, a panini, so very continental. [eats it]
 * [Squidward drives the bus past some geysers.]
 * SpongeBob: [sees someone in the street] Hey, look, a passenger. Hi!
 * [The passenger at the Crush County bus stop is a grim reaper. Squidward screams in horror and drives the bus past him. The grim reaper throws his scythe in anger as Squidward continues driving.]
 * Squidward: I don't know where we're going.
 * SpongeBob: Don't worry. I have a bus map. [takes out a map and reads it] Take a left. Take another left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left, left, left.
 * Squidward: [the map blocks the window] I can't see!
 * SpongeBob: We don't need to see. We just need to believe.
 * Squidward: I believe your map is upside-down.
 * SpongeBob: Oh, I can fix that.
 * [SpongeBob pulls down the lever, flips the bus over, lands in a geyser and it erupts the bus out of Crush County. Meanwhile, at the Krusty Krab, the bus driver is having a hard time working as a cashier as angry customers are constantly complaining.]
 * Bus driver: Back in line, people! Back in line! [the customers continue shouting and Fred holds up a dollar] Exact change only, please!
 * [Mr. Krabs is not too thrilled with this outcome and his eyestalks explode in anger. Suddenly, the bus crashes through the roof and falls on top of the bus driver. The bus driver crawls out and angrily throws his Krusty Krab work hat to the floor.]
 * Bus driver: That settles it. I quit everything! [leaves]
 * [SpongeBob rips through the map and sees that he and the others landed in the Krusty Krab. Squidward peaks his head out through the bus door window.]
 * Jimmy Gus: The Krusty Krab Local right on time! One Krabby Patty, please.
 * Squidward: One Krabby Patty? [gasps] Yes, sir! One Krabby Patty! [taps the cash register]
 * SpongeBob: [pops out through the bus's exhaust pipe] One Krabby Patty coming up! [pulls himself out and heads to the kitchen]
 * Squidward: Place your orders, everybody! Because no one can do this job better than me! I win!
 * [A toilet flushing sound is heard again.]
 * Everyone: Huh?
 * [Patrick crawls out from the hood of the bus.]
 * Patrick: You're still out of toilet paper.