Thick as an Ed

''[It is night in Ed's bedroom. Slowly, the sun rises, and Ed falls out of bed. He lies on the floor, sleeping happily. Sarah opens his window and looks in.]'' Sarah: "ED! GET UP, STUPID! MOM SAYS TO MAKE SURE YOU WALK ME TO JIMMY'S! Wasn't that sweet of me to remind you?" ''[Sarah leaves. Ed sits on the floor, bleary-eyed.]''

''[Sarah rides her tricycle on the grass outside her front door. Ed opens the door, carrying his shoes in his teeth and his pants around his knees. He pulls up his pants and trips as he comes out.]'' Ed: "Big brother is here, Sarah. Yep. Just tyin my shoe." [He sleepily fails to tie it.] "Here we go." [He tries again and falls asleep.] Sarah: "Ah, who needs ya." [She rides off to Jimmy's by herself.]

''[Ed, still in the pose of tying his shoe, is sleeping. Lines appear on his face, and we get to see his dream world: a crayon-drawn reckoning of how he sees things. We start up with a door and a floating 1.]'' Ed: [stepping outside] "1, 2, tie my shoe! 3, 4, close the door!" ''[The numbers float past. Ed slams the door, collapsing the house.]'' "5, 6, grab some sticks!" [He yanks up some lampposts.] "7, 8, lay them straight." [He drops them on a giant Jonny.] "9, 10, a big fat hen!" ''[He hugs a hen, which trumpets like an elephant, and it flies off. Ed then hatches from one of its eggs.]'' "11, 12..." Eddy: "Ed!" [Ed's body jerks as if he's being hit, and Ed wakes up.] "Get up, stupid. You're wasting time! Today's the day, buddy boy. The scam to end all scams. Our Triple-E Frog Jumping Derby! After we charge the saps for a frog-rental fee, they'll race for the grand prize! Mittens." Ed: "Lucky dogs." Eddy: "You got that right." Edd: [towing a wagon] "Gentlemen, I've located a pond, and acquired all the required accrouchments in order to draft our frog competitors for today's derby." Eddy: "We're gonna be rich!" [pinching Edd's cheek] "You're a peach." Ed: "Evil! Bad!" [Ed is trying to put on a pair of goggles.] Edd: "Here Ed, let me help you." ''[Edd sniffs the air, and all the color drains from his body. He runs back about ten feet.]'' Edd: "Eddy! There's a horrible odor coming from you-know-who!" Ed: [sitting in the wagon] "North to Alaska!" Eddy: "Ed? Stinks? So what else is new?" Edd: "Not like this, Eddy. I think I'm gonna be sick!" [He runs off.] Eddy: "What about my scam?" Ed: "Maybe his mommy called him." [falsetto] "Come home Eddward and pickle your feet!" Eddy: [pushing Ed away] "Pee-yew, Ed! Did something crawl on ya and die?" [Edd comes back, carrying cleaning materials.] Eddy: "Where'd you go? We got frogs to catch!" Edd: "Not until I determine the origin of Ed's foul exhalation." [He pulls out a fly tied to a ball of yarn.] ''[The fly heads for Ed and flies around him. It heads towards Ed's pocket.]'' Ed: "Hello, fly." [The fly sniffs the pocket and drops dead.] Edd: [panic-stricken] "There! In his pocket!" Eddy: "Quit yelling in my ear." Ed: "Don't make me laugh. All that's in here is my lucky cheese chunk." [He pulls out some stinky cheese.] Edd: "Oh my lord!" [He gags.] Ed: "Say hello to Double D, Sheldon." Edd: "That's disgusting, Ed!" Ed: "No, that's Sheldon. He's lived in my pocket for fifty-seven days now." Edd: [running away] "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA–––!" [Eddy drags him back.] Eddy: "Oh no you don't. I need you to help catch frogs, Double D. We're gonna be rich! Ed, you and Sheldon get the wagon, please." [Ed smiles and tucks Sheldon away in his pocket.]

[The Eds run up to the creek.] Eddy: "Those saps won't know what hit 'em! It's the best scam in the whole stinkin world!" [He leaps on Ed.] "Do you remember your job there, Stinky?" Ed: "I am the frog wrangler! So you don't have to touch those slimy weasels." Eddy: [looking at the creek] "So where's the frogs?" Edd: [looking at a map] "Albeit dated, this map clearly states that–" ''[Ed looks over his shoulder. Edd moves away.] "Um, that the common frog does–" [he shifts position]'' "Reside within the confines of this pond." ''[Ed comes up from underneath, knocking Edd skyward. When Edd lands, his head is submerged in Ed's cheese pocket.]'' Edd: "RANCID MOLDY CHEESE!" [vigorously washing himself] "I refuse to participate any further until Ed washes that offensive, putrified jacket of his!" Eddy: "Quit rocking the boat. We got people to filch." [He looks into the creek's depths.] "Is that a frog, or boot?" Ed: "A boot?" [He hurries over to look.] Eddy: "There. See it? What is that?" Ed: "Kinda looks like Abraham Lincoln, Eddy." Eddy: "What're ya talking about?" ''[Edd attempts to remove Ed's jacket with a large stick. Ed notices and pulls the stick through, pulling Edd into his jacket.]'' Ed: "Comfy?" Edd: "FILTHY CRUDDY–!!! SMELLY!" [He runs into a magical portable shower that has suddenly appeared and begins washing.] "Ed, I insist you remove that jacket immediately!" Ed: "Okay. If you gimme your hat." Edd: [dressed] "My hat? Why, that's the silliest thing I've ever heard. Absolutely not." Eddy: "Give him the stupid hat so we get some frogs." Edd: "The point here is, my hat doesn't smell." Ed: "Oh yes it does." Edd: [indignantly] "No, it does not. You're just saying that because I said your jacket stank." Ed: "Stinky hat." Edd: "You've got a repulsive, fermenting detachment of cheese in your pocket, Ed." Ed: "Stinky hat." Edd: "Odiferous curd coat." Ed: "Stinky hat!" Edd: "Rancid Roquefort wrap!" Ed: "Stinky hat!" Edd: "Repugnant Parmesan pocket!" Ed: "Oh, yeah? STINKY HAT!" Edd: "COAT OF CANTANKEROUS CAMEMBERT!" Ed: "STINKY HAT!" Eddy: "SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU!" Edd: "Humph." [He turns away from Ed.] Ed: "Humph." [He turns away from Edd.] Eddy: "Oh, come on. WE GOT A SCAM TO RUN HERE!" Edd: "I'm sorry, Eddy. I can't work under these conditions." Eddy: "Oh yes you can. You just worry about getting those frogs, and I'll take care of Ed." [Eddy runs over and tries to steal Ed's jacket.] Ed: "Hey!" Eddy: "What? The frogs'll recognize ya, Lumpy. What you need is a disguise." Ed: "A disguise?" Eddy: "Hurry! Get undressed. I got an idea." Ed: "Frogs are so stupid!" [He leaps out of his clothes.] "Hooray!" Eddy: [to Edd] "You owe me."

[Eddy is surveying the pond.] Eddy: "Try showing some more leg, Ed!" [Ed, dressed as a bikini-wearing frog, stretches his leg out.] Edd: "Eddy!" [He is propping up Ed's clothes in a closed-off circle of land.] "This delicate procedure requires your assistance please!" [handing over a jar] "Hold this." [He uses two tongs to fish in the pocket.] Eddy: "What's takin ya?" Edd: "Look out! Look out!" ''[He drops the cheese in the jar and shuts the lid. He then happily sniffs the air.]'' "Success." Eddy: "Good! Now can you and Ed kiss and make up? 'Cause we got my retirement to think of!" Ed: "Ah ha!" [Ed steps onto dry land, cutting a quite unimposing figure in his costume.] Ed: "That's my lucky cheese chunk!" [He grabs the jar.] Eddy: "We're never gonna get these frogs!" [Ed puts on his clothes.] Edd: [clamping on to the lid] "I beg you! In the name of all that is decent, please don't open this jar, Ed!" Ed: "No go, Joe! It might spoil." ''[Ed pulls Edd off and unscrews the lid. Edd gets a blast of the stench right in the face.]'' Edd: "DEFILED! SOILY! PROFANE!" ''[He falls to the ground gasping. Ed pulls out Sheldon and kisses him.]'' Ed: [putting Sheldon in his pocket] "Home sweet home, huh Sheldon?" Edd: [after puking into a bag] "I can't take it anymore! I'm on the edge of solitary collapse!" [dramatic] "Too late. Everything's gone black! Black is the mold that permeates Ed's lucky cheese!" [He pulls out a pillow and faints onto it.] "Port ahead, brave friend. I'm sure–" [he coughs] "–I'm sure your Triple-E Frog Jumping Derby will do well with out me." [He clutches his heart and pretends to die.] Ed: "Oh look, dirt!" Eddy: "YOU'RE MESSING UP MY SCAM!" [He tackles Ed.] "Get rid of that stupid jacket, Ed." Ed: [throwing Eddy off] "Tag! You're it!" Eddy: "Take it off!" ''[He chases Ed in a circle around part of the creek until he falls into the water. While submerged, he has an idea. He climbs out soaked and walks up to Ed.]'' "Look at me, Ed. I'm all wet and freezing-like. I could sure use something to keep me warm, like your jacket!" Ed: "Got a towel, Eddy." [He gives Eddy a stained, worn towel.] Edd: "Drat!" Eddy: [pursuing another course] "Okay, wait! I know. Let's start up a new country! And we'll call it…Edtropia! Yeah yeah! You'll be a bigshot! The Grand Poobah of All Zombies! Um, and those zombies will sploot Edtropia's new flag: your jacket!" Ed: "Cool, zombies! Wave the flag, Eddy!" ''[Eddy wastes no time in taking the jacket. He rapidly climbs a gigantic tree and ties the jacket to the top of it. He then comes down to earth and runs up to Ed.]'' Eddy: "How bout them frogs, huh? You too, De Niro." Edd: "I'd be happy to assist you, Eddy." ''[High above them, Ed's jacket waves in the breeze. The cheese in the pocket works its way to the edge and falls out. It comes straight down, striking Edd on his head as he strides forth. Upon being hit, Edd stops in his tracks, turns to ashes, and crumbles to dust upon the ground.]'' Eddy: "Just think, Ed. You'll be able to buy a brain, we'll be so rich!" Ed: [spotting the piece of cheese] "Look! It's Sheldon!" [He picks it up.] "And to think I almost forgot you!" Eddy: [shaking with rage] "Oh Ed?" [He grabs the cheese.] "RAAAH!" ''[With a shriek of rage, Eddy grabs the cheese chunk and heaves it into the creek, where it sinks. Ed rushes to the side of the creek as many dead fish burble up to the surface.]'' Edd: "Well! That was economical! Triple-E Frog Jumping Derby, here we come!" [Edd spots the tearful Ed.] "Ed?" [He pulls out a handkerchief.] "Maybe this'll help! Handkerchiefs can be lucky too." Eddy: [fed up] "You guys'll need more than luck if we don't catch some frogs!" Ed: "Okay. How about–" [he pulls a fish skeleton tied around his neck from inside his shirt] "–Angus, my more-than-lucky fishy?" Edd: [leaping back] "Ed! Get rid of that carcass immediately!" Ed: "Stinky hat!" Edd: "Sure-deficient flounder!" Ed: "Stinky hat!" Edd: "Tainted trout top!" Ed: "Stinky hat!" Edd: "Eddy!"