The Unbrave One

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! Who's Mommy's little baby? Oh, God! That's how he became Sergeant Eye-Gouger. I love an origin story. Shut up over there! You shut up! You shut up! Just let it go, Dad. You want to throw down? I'll throw down. You got my back? I'll scratch your back. I can do the backstroke. I can sing "Baby Come Back. " Baby come back Any kind of fool could see There was something In everything about you, yeah Baby come back You can blame it all on me I was wrong Steve, help! And I just can't - Wrote a few checks with my mouth, bud. - Live without you. Need you to help me cash them. Aah! I'm coming, Dad. Usually people come towards whoever they say that to. Where'd you go? I got the usher. I almost died. I almost died, too of shock. I accidentally ran into a Hugh Grant movie. Ugh. Such a youthful haircut on such an old face. Take that! She didn't do anything. No turning it off now! Who beat the candy out of you? Some guy popped off in the movie theater, and I had to be totally heroic, big-time. Steve had the opportunity to help, but instead he left, like that little piggy in the straw house who ran away from the Big Bad Dragon. I don't know if I have that right, but it's in the Bible, Steve. Don't worry, Dad. I'll be brave next time something happens. You can't make a plan to be brave. Brave is either something you are or you're not, and you are not. Hey, hey, don't be so down, buddy. There is something you are. You are It! Francine, you were unusually quiet this evening. Is that going to be a new thing? I like it. Stan, I'm late for my period. Maybe if you jump up and down, get things started. I might be pregnant. What?! How is that possible? I got a vasectomy. You got some sort of weird automated Japanese vasectomy, and you've never done anything about the 30 recall postcards they sent us. No! This is a disaster. I don't want another child. I just took the safety latches off the toilet seats. Aah! I'm drowning! Listen, I don't want a baby, either. Trading sushi and bourbon for hemorrhoids and swollen boobs? Screw that. What are we going to Francine, can we move this conversation to the top of the staircase? It's too early to push me down the stairs, Stan. I'm not even sure if I'm pregnant. I'll take a pregnancy test. Well, if you're going to take a pregnancy test, you're going to have to pee. Let me get you some water. I'll get my own water. Damn. Hey, Dad, how brave is this? I have less than ten percent battery life, and I just started an e-mail. Mmm. Mmm. Geez, Mr. S. Nailing your daughter makes me super hungry. Let's not talk about sex. I'm pissed at sex. Francine might be pregnant. - What?! - What?! I can't handle another child chipping away at the heroic Smith name. Well, you never know. My dad, for some reason, thinks I'm an idiot, but he loves my younger brother. I hadn't thought of that. Yes. The new baby could be the son I never had. Alive over here. He could be brave and have my back. I'll name him something strong. Steve. Already named Steve over here. We'll change your name. You can you can call yourself Eve, like the douche. Jeff, I'm ready to go again! Whoa. I'm tired. Anyone else want to tag in? Roger, I really need some advice. Always happy to dispense sound judgment. It's my dad. He thinks I'm a coward. But if I do something to show him I'm brave, he says it won't mean anything because I'm trying to prove I'm brave. It's a conundrum. The harder I try, the less he'll think of me. I thought a conundrum was a word that's the same forward and back. No. Th-that's a palin Do not shame me. Anyway, there's nothing I can do to change his mind. I'll always be a wimp in his eyes. This certainly is a palindrome. I got it. Here's what we do. We dress you up in a masked superhero costume. You do something brave, and I catch it all on video. Then this is good we get that video to Greg and Terry, who show it on the news. While your dad is watching their report, you, Steve, will walk through the room letting the superhero outfit "accidentally" fall out of your backpack. This way, your dad will realize you're acting mild-mannered to hide your true brave identity. All right. And we get to dress you up in a superhero outfit. Qui-Lo! Qui-Lo, cape or no cape? Which one of you doesn't want the cape? Oh, no, we both do. We're just arguing about who loves them more. The night belongs to me, for I am Greater Chimdale County Man. No! That name's terrible! Filming your bravery is just the excuse I've been looking for to buy a video camera. I broke my last one making a short film about butts. down the drain. I'm going to grab some Neosporin from my room in case I get a boo-boo fighting crime. Oh, can I borrow a tank top? I don't feel great with what I'm wearing. Just way too much sleeve for me. Feel like I'm 90% sleeve over here. Dad, what are you doing? Turning your room into a nursery. To inspire new Steve not to be a wuss, I'm painting scenes from John McCain's life on the walls. Here's him getting his legs broken by the VC. That wall there portrays him selecting Sarah Palin as a running mate without knowing the first thing about her. And here's him chewing off his own cancerous mole. Yeah, well, I'm just a mild-mannered kid, so I wouldn't relate to any of that. Now you hit on me?! After all these years of rebuffing my advances, now I'm finally moving on, and you have the audacity to Oh, I get it now. Never mind. Anyway, I invited McCain to a heroes' brunch I'm throwing here at the house. A heroes' brunch? Yep, I'll be French toasting it up with a few of our nation's bravest. I really think McCain might come. I made his invitation super fancy. Glitter? Oh, come on! It's everywhere! Excuse me. What's the difference between digital zoom and optical zoom? They're the same thing. But the box says they're different. Oh, yeah, it does. I guess they're different. Let me know if you need any further assistance. Thank you. I thanked him. Why did I thank him? Just buy it. I can't wait to prove to my dad that I'm brave. After tonight, he's going to love me more than my unborn, unconfirmed, maybe baby brother. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. That's fun to say. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. Maybe baby. - So did you take the pregnancy test? - I did. And? Am I going to be a father again? Well, I didn't have a home pregnancy test, so I had to take one online. I'm waiting for the doctor to e-mail me back with the results. How do you take a pregnancy test over the computer? Well, per instruction, I first took several pictures of my genitals. You what? And then one of me peeing on a teddy bear, and sent them to the doctor. I-I don't think, uh, that that-that's that's real. He's a legitimate doctor, Stan. See for yourself. That must be the result. Oh, God, here goes. Oh. Dr. Vadgers says my lab work requires more information. He needs to see my boobs popping out of a cheerleading outfit. I know what you're thinking. What is the boob test going to tell him that the butthole test didn't? He's just being super careful. Are you sure criminals will be intimidated by my outfit? It's not an outfit, Steve. It's called a onesie. Sounds like someone is in need of help. Oh, my God. This woman is repeatedly head-butting this man in the stomach! Yes, Steve, that's exactly what's happening. Sir, I am here to stop this. Excuse me. Is that the XLR Mega-Zoom? I just got the same one. If you don't mind my asking, what'd you pay? You won't be undersold? Try this same camcorder at Montie's for $20 less! Do you have your receipt? No, I don't have a receipt! I stole the floor model. I can't believe we've been walking around all night and couldn't find one crime. This neighborhood's gotten too safe since the Blacks moved out. David and Franklin Black, two white brothers who killed every Mexican in town. Look what they're doing to that monument. It's Langley Falls' most sacred memorial, commemorating the victims of the Great Bus Crash of 2010. This is your big chance. Go stop those hooligans, and I'll film the whole thing. I demand you cease your criminal mischief. Look how round this kid's head is. Its geometrical perfection is unnerving. Let's beat him up. Roger, the the plan's not working. Run if you want to run I mean live. That didn't work at all. Sure it did. I have the whole thing on film. But I wasn't courageous. No, you weren't. Danger reared its ugly head and you folded faster than a chain of Rhea Perlman-themed all-you-can-eat diarrhea restaurants named Diarrhea Perlman's. But you don't have to be brave, you just have to look brave for your dad. That's the beauty of movies. I snip out the part where you were a raging nancy sissy and edit it to make you out to be the hero. You can do that? Uh, yeah, Steve, I'm a professional film editor. I can do anything. Tyler Perry's movies are actually quite good before I get my hands on them. All right, now we drop it at Greg and Terry's. Campy. Yes, I like piÃ±a coladas and getting caught in the Not now. Then when? Who rings the doorbell at 3:00 in the morning? Weirdos. Stan, the news is on. Turn to channel three quick. We secretly acquired this exclusive video late last night. The contents will shock you. But there's no need to fret, Langley Falls. The masked hero has arrived. Take it easy, shouting guy from the B-52's. I demand you cease your criminal mischief. That's one brave S. O. B. Okay, this is your moment. Thanks, Roger. You're welcome, champ. I do it because I care. You know what would be good right now? Not "The PiÃ±a Colada Song. " Whoa, Steve, there's your own shadow. Try not to be scared. Oops. Where is it? It has to be here. Hold on there, stranger in my living room. Roger?! You?! You're Langley Falls' masked hero?! Oh, my God, I didn't realize I was wearing this. You found me out. You discovered my true identity. Something I never wanted to happen. I now look at you in a whole new light. I would be proud to shake your hand. Do you have a name, Roger? Greater Chimdale County Man. Awesome. How come I didn't see it coming? There, there. I should have known better, but then you said you were doing it because you care. I do care, kiddo. I care about me. Now shh. If it makes you feel any better, it wasn't my plan the whole time. As soon as I heard your dad was having that heroes' brunch, I decided to throw you under the bus. I love brunch, Steve. I love everything about it. I love drinking too much, blowing off my afternoon plans, sleeping, waking up disoriented You are something else, Roger. Hey, it's not like you were even a real hero. I held up a gun and the kids ran off. You'd be living a lie. Is that what you want to do, Steve? Live a lie? Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lie to live. Now, now. We've had enough of this. That's a little trick I learned to quiet newborns when I worked in the maternity ward. Quite a few people are still looking for this little lady, I'll tell you that much. Anyone in here? There you are. Steve, it's not a good time. Dad thinks I'm a coward and Mommy is very stressed. And then I was about to change his mind, but you know what Roger did? Put a sock in it, Steve. Stop worrying about what your father thinks of you. For God's sake, you're almost 15 years old. If you lived in Fresno you'd be a father by now. Wow. Tough love. You're right. Thanks for the wake-up call. I'm gonna look back on this day and Okay, your time's up. Get out. Mommy's strong. There's nothing like a heroes' brunch. We have Lauren, the hero of the movie theater - and the masked hero of Langley Falls - Present. and the hero of the Hudson Sully Sullenberger. Sully, you nimble Irish bastard. Mr. Sullenberger, I admire what you're doing with the whole hero thing. You know how to do it right. I appreciate that, son. No, I mean it. You are milking the hell out of it. You went to the presidential inauguration, you were introduced at the World Series, you were on all the talk shows, you get the key to any city you want. Have you gotten to pull the switch on the electric chair yet? That's what I'm trying to get. I hear, during electrocutions bodily functions may "let go. " That would be fun to see. Mom really showed me something when she was on the toilet. I just want you to know that I'm going to stop trying to prove myself to you. As of this moment, I've stopped caring what you think of me. Now I'm going to get on with my life. Who was that? His name is Eve. Like the douche? Well, I don't need this anymore. Oh, hey I'm in Old Langley I think it's A No, uh, B Either way, it's hepatitis and now you have it, too. My baby! My baby's in that car! My baby! Masked man, thank you so much for saving my baby. It was very brave what you did. No, ma'am, it is you who has helped me. All this time I was hoping my dad would think I'm brave, but now I know I'm brave, and that's all that counts. What the hell was he talking about? Kid's probably on drugs. I know I am. Mm. This is good sorbet. All right, I'm saying it. Why is he even here? He's just a guy who landed a plane in a river to save his own ass. You want to be a real hero? Avoid the geese like all the other pilots do every single day. You're right. She's right. But I'm right, too. This is good sorbet. This just in. The masked hero strikes again. This was submitted by an amateur videographer. It was shot in what is known as "Bajowski Alley. " Didn't they honor you with a star on the walk there? Stop it. Roll the footage. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. How is this possible? You were with me the whole day. That must mean Maybe baby. You can't be the masked hero. I refuse to answer any questions without my lawyer present. Fine. I'll get the truth out of you one way or the other. Lauren, grab your flashlight. I got my shot in. I can hold my head up high no matter what happens. We should think about recessed lighting. Hey there. Hey. So, what were you up to today? Nothing much. I know you're the masked hero. Roger told me everything. I misjudged you, kiddo. I thought you were a wuss and you proved me wrong. And you didn't even brag about it. That's a real hero. And I would be proud to shake your hand. Could I keep my name then, Dad? Of course, buddy. We'll name the other kid something else. You know, I really think your mom's gonna come around to having another baby in the house. Yeah! I just got the biggest, bloodiest period of all time. Now, Steve? Sure. Yes, I like piÃ±a coladas And getting caught in the rain And the feel of the ocean And the taste of champagne If you like making love at midnight In the dunes of the Cape You're the lady I've looked for Come with me and escape. Giggity. Bye! Have a beautiful time.