Arthur (2011 film)

ARTHUR

Written by

Peter Baynham 10/16/09         EXT. MANHATTAN - NIGHT A HOMELESS MAN, who from his tatty suit may have been a top broker this time last year, is picking through a bin in         Manhattan's deserted night-time financial district. The street starts to vibrate. A TERRIFYING GROWL approaches. A huge black shape smashes into view - THE DARK KNIGHT'S         BATMOBILE! Our audience wonder if they've wandered into the wrong movie. The Homeless Man dives for cover. BAM! The Batmobile smashes into a row of parked cars. We hear manic laughing from inside the car, which screeches and careers violently into a sign reading `WALL STREET'. Sirens herald THREE POLICE CARS in hot pursuit. The Batmobile roars up Wall Street, bashing against the New York Stock Exchange, thumping up and down the Federal Hall's         steps and finally smashing at high speed into the rear end of          the famous 'Charging Bull' statue. Two enormous bronze testicles thud onto the Batmobile's bonnet and roll away. The cop cars screech up, surrounding the Batmobile. TWO OLDER COPS and A ROOKIE surround it, weapons drawn. A HELICOPTER appears, blazing the Batmobile in white light. ROOKIE COP Cooool. An older Cop flashes the rookie a dirty look, then points a         FLASHLIGHT into a tiny window. THE BATMAN - actually drunken English socialite ARTHUR BACH TEMPLEMEAD in a costume - lowers the window and offers a handshake. ARTHUR Evening, Constable! OLDER COP 1 (seen it all before) Hi, Arthur. ARTHUR Are you familiar with the expression `I can explain everything'? OLDER COP 1 Out of the car, please. 2.                         ARTHUR Terribly sorry, but in the film they used a different model to show the old Batchap getting in and out. This one has no doors, so I'd have to squeeze out the back arsehole first. Which nobody wants... (TO COP 2) Apart from you, cheeky monkey! (BEAT) It's a joke! Okay, okay. Arthur wriggles awkwardly out of a rear hatch. The bronze bull teeters, a little scarily. He stands, wobbly. His Batman utility belt features a big water pistol, a firework, a hip flask and line of shot glasses. And, inexplicably, a big red stapler. The younger cop is desperately fighting the giggles. OLDER COP 1 Okay, explain everything. ARTHUR Well. What with having spunked 1.6 million fat Alberts on this little runaround, I thought why not take it a step further and try to          actually collar a few ne-er do           wells? It worked for the billionaire Bruce Wayne, why not the future billionaire Arthur Bach- Templemead? Will I have to do          traffic school? OLDER COP 2 How much have you drunk, Arthur? ARTHUR To use the technical medical term - megabloodyshitloads. Either that or          I've had a stroke! But fret not, I          have a designated driver. The cop shines his flashlight back inside, revealing A         BEARDED HOMELESS OLD MAN IN A CRAPPY 60S `ROBIN' costume. HOMELESS ROBIN Where's my five thousand dollars? Arthur counts out a huge wad of cash. ARTHUR The Boy Homeless here neglected to          say he'd never driven. (MORE) 3.                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)           Or that the only reason he's sober is to be ready for the conspiracy of leopards about to seize Manhattan. HOMELESS ROBIN It's LIZARDS! English prick! Arthur hands another wad of cash to Cop 1. ARTHUR I trust this will cover all repairs to New York and any inconvenience to your good selves? He turns and tries to get back in. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Up up and away! Ah, no, that's the other chap. The bronze bull collapses fully, crushing the Batmobile. INT. 23RD PRECINCT. CELL - NIGHT - LATER Arthur sits, minus mask, in a cell with Homeless Robin and VARIOUS CRIMINALS and DRUNKS, including A HUGE GUY IN A         CHICAGO CUBS SHIRT, sporting a terrifically swollen eye. JAY, a drunk with a bandaged neck, is ranting away at Arthur, who's paying close attention, genuinely fascinated. Cash sticks out of various pockets. JAY Then the crazy motherfucker cut me! ARTHUR Goodness. Why? JAY Said I cut the bombita with pig killer! ARTHUR Rude man. And who threw hot Americano in whose face again? JAY I did in his. No half and half neither. That shit burnt! Jay laughs hard, as does GARY, another crook. Arthur, out of         politeness, tries to join in the laughter. 4.                         GARY I burnt my sister's hair. JAY (high fiving him) Cool... GARY Ho wanted to evict me, just 'cause I don't fit her definition of          hygiene. Plenty of places to take a          shit, toilet's just one of them. Just ask the a-rabs. ARTHUR It's like a chat show, this. (looking into an imaginary                         CAMERA) It's been said of my next guest, by          Jay the bandaged lunatic, that she's `a sick-ass, whacked-out, whacked-up asswipe'. (to a PROSTITUTE) Carmella, when did you first dream of becoming a crack whore? PROSTITUTE Mother died when I was six. ARTHUR Oh G-d, I hate when that happens. PROSTITUTE My father raped me when I was twelve. ARTHUR Sounds like you had six relatively good years. JAY What do you do? ARTHUR I model riding boots, I spend money, I sleep with women. But I          have weekends off and I am my own boss. The cell door swings open. OLDER COP 1 Hey, The Drunk Knight. Your Fairy G-          d-lawyer's here. 5.                         ARTHUR (STANDING) I never thought New York's          underbelly could be quite such agreeable company. I shall never forget you. Farewell. The crooks look back at him sulkily. Arthur looks guilty. INT. 23RD PRECINCT. CORRIDOR. NIGHT - LATER Arthur's attorney ELVERTON DEVERE is leaving with him. DEVERE I don't think your mother will be          pleased, Arthur. ARTHUR Really, Elverton - if a chap can't          help out a few chums, whatever their station in life. The other crooks from the cell are leaving alongside them. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Each has given his or her word to           put the criminal life behind them. EXT. 23RD PRECINCT. NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Arthur steps into a blaze of paparazzi flashes. ARTHUR I am the Batman. Gotham can sleep easy tonight. JAY (points at A CAMERAMAN) Don't point that shit at me, bitch! I will FUCK YOU UP! Jay attacks the cameraman violently. Gary piles in. HOMELESS ROBIN Yes! Yes! Kill the lizards! Arthur pushes past the press. PRESS Arthur! What will your mother say? Didn't she send you here to get you out of the British papers? Arthur! 6.         He turns to those crooks who aren't fighting. ARTHUR Anyone need a job? My last driver resigned after I filled his limo with squirrels. Preferably sober, clean driving licence? The crooks all look unsure. Apart from one.... TITLES EXT. MANHATTAN- NIGHT A different, extremely flashy car zips through Central Park, the back full of released crooks, the huge Chicago guy - his name's MARTY - at the wheel. The car passes A MALE JOGGER. It stops and backs up. Arthur opens a door and beckons the jogger, offering champagne. The jogger gets in. The car sets off again. ARTHUR (O.S.) Anyone know a good bar? EXT. CLUB - NIGHT The car pulls up outside a very rough-looking dive club. Out falls Arthur, laughing his head off, along with champagne bottles, footballs and rich boy's toys. Following him are his crook friends, the jogger, TWO MIDDLE-AGED TOURISTS and A         DANCING MAN in a leotard twirling a big sign reading `CHEAP APARTMENT RENTALS!' Like the pied piper, Arthur leads his disciples into the bar. JUMP CUT TO: EXT. BAR - LATER Arthur staggers out, leading a bigger crowd! (IN A CONGA?) He's even more drunk, arm in arm with Carmella the prostitute and a very attractive young woman, SOFIA. He produces A BIG ROCKET. ARTHUR Stand back! He releases the firework; it flies at a crazy drunk angle, people screaming and diving for cover. It explodes into a         shop sign reading `CHECKS CASHED'. 7.                         CARMELLA (LAUGHING) Oh, man. Nobody tell you about the recession? ARTHUR The what? EXT. MANHATTAN - NIGHT A very long line of excited people stand at an ATM, Arthur at         the front. ARTHUR Roll up, roll up, folks, let's fix this thing right now. (to his first customer) How much, sir?                         FIRST MAN Um. $800 please. ARTHUR Coming right up. (keys it in) Fries with that? The man laughs, along with others in the line, including Sofia who catches his eye. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Congratulations everyone! THE RECESSION'S OVER! Arthur dials a number on his gold iPhone. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Pierre? Arthur Bach-Templemead. Can you squeeze me in for a little snack? Yeah, just me and a couple of mates. INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS The Maitre D' enters from the kitchen and is stunned to find the restaurant incredibly stuffed with people, so there's         standing room only. People are even sitting on tables. It's a         very eclectic mix of people. An angry, stuffy old man and his wife and daughter sit horrified at the center. 8.         Arthur's flanked by Carmella the prostitute and Sofia from the ATM line. ARTHUR Pierre! We'd like 182 pate de foie gras, 182 chateaubriand steaks, a          motherlode of chips and your entire wine cellar please. The daughter of the stuffy couple - she's ERICA - speaks. ERICA Arthur? ARTHUR (TAKEN ABACK) Erica? Fancy meeting you here! Er...Everybody, this is Erica - the very best friend forever of my          girlfriend Susan. And Erica's          parents Ernest and Margaret. (to Erica and her parents) Are you familiar with the expression `I can't explain anything'? ERICA Who are the women with you, Arthur? ARTHUR Oh, um, this is Sofia. I believe she works for Avis. Checks the cars for dings, dead people in the trunk, that sort of thing. And this is Carmella. Anyway... ERICA'S FATHER What do you do, Carmella? CARMELLA Whatever you want. But no          penetration without a rubber. It's all gone a bit tense. ARTHUR Carmella's joking. She's actually a...queen. Of a very small country. ERICA'S FATHER Is she now? ARTHUR It's terribly small. 9.                         ERICA'S FATHER I see. ARTHUR Rhode Island could beat the crap out of it in a war. ERICA'S FATHER Yes, it's a small place. ARTHUR 85 cents in a cab from one end of          the country to the other. I'm          talking small. ERICA'S FATHER I think I understand how small it          is. ARTHUR Just had the entire country carpeted, this is not a big place. ERICA'S FATHER You need to grow up, Arthur. ARTHUR That's easy for you to say, you haven't got 50 pairs of short trousers hanging in your closet. Maybe we should go somewhere else. ERICA Maybe you should. He gets out his ultra-exclusive Black Visa Card. ARTHUR Could I have all those lobsters to          go, please? EXT. PIERRE HOTEL - DAY The bright dawn sun explodes on the windows of Arthur's         castle-like $56 million penthouse atop the Pierre Hotel. INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY - CONTINUOUS A huge jacuzzi is full of contented liberated lobsters, surrounded by the most amazing toy boat armada in history. 10.         We cut around the vast, opulent 20's apartment, scattered with unconscious revellers from last night. A mixture of old extravagance and modern excess, the place is stuffed with the toys of the boy who has everything: An old gun cabinet is stacked with enormous water rifles. A `Bodyworlds' plastinated corpse is posed, swinging from a         chandelier, a bottle of champagne in its hand. Damien Hurst's shark in formaldehyde is half out of its smashed tank, a REVELLER'S FEET protruding from its jaws. Unconscious partygoers are slumped on plush seats in a home cinema themed to look like the set of `Roadrunner', while a         screen plays episodes of the cartoon. A naked couple lie in a sleeping embrace in a room converted entirely into a sandpit, complete with giant toys. Big Chicago Marty, Arthur's new driver, lies on a big sofa, consulting his sports pager. Homeless Robin is filling pans and antique vases with water. A huge photo of Arthur modelling riding boots fills a wall, beside an old red London telephone box, converted into an         aquarium, bubbling with colorful fish. GIRL (O.S.) (PANTING) More British! INT. BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS Bowler-hatted Arthur and Sofia are having sex... ARTHUR Cup of tea? Nice hot cup of hot Rosy Lee right up your fanny? ....beneath a rotating solar system mobile good enough to         grace a national planetarium, on a bed floating magnetically three feet above the floor. INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS A key is turned and the door to the apartment opens. A         SENSIBLE WOMAN'S SHOE steps over a reveller. 11.         INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. ARTHUR'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS Arthur and Sofia are in an even greater frenzy. The floating bed is wobbling scarily. ARTHUR Hugh Grant Mr Bean self deprecation mad cow disease Yorkshire pudding bad teeth rain rain rain rain! INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. GREAT ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS AN OLDER WOMAN'S HAND pulls on A SURGICAL GLOVE. INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. ARTHUR'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS The older woman enters the room carrying A PLASTIC TRAY AS         USED AT AIRPORT SECURITY. This is JANE HOBSON, the British aristocracy's longest-serving nanny. ARTHUR (brightly, as he humps) Morning, Hobson! Unfazed, Hobson busies herself picking up Arthur's trousers, and emptying wallet, matchbooks, and iPhone into the tray. HOBSON Morning, Arthur. She hits a remote. The curtains fly open. A HUGE TV flips on, showing news coverage of Arthur's antics last night. HOBSON (CONT'D)          I'm afraid your impromptu stimulus package failed to reignite the economy. (reading a receipt) De Cache Cocktail Lounge: $23,897? ARTHUR Umm...Celebration of Kwanzaa. Hobson's reading a text on Arthur's phone: `So excited ur         funding my movie!' HOBSON The African heritage festival celebrated five months from now? She replies: `I was drunk. Piss off.' 12.                         ARTHUR (noticing Sofia's stopped          having sex with him) Why are you stopping? Oh, sorry. How impolite of me. Sofia, this is          Hobson, my nanny. SOFIA Nanny? HOBSON He's merely shaped like an adult. SOFIA Is she going to stay here? ARTHUR Hobson, could you come back in a          minute and a half please? HOBSON Negative. You're seeing your mother this morning. ARTHUR Nobody told me. HOBSON Actually I did, on the other side of the vast moat of champagne known as `last night'. Hobson picks up Sofia's panties and bra from the floor like a         crime scene officer. HOBSON (CONT'D)          I wouldn't recommend letting him get used to your breasts, dear. Addictive personality. He was at          mine until he was six. ARTHUR Hobson! Really... HOBSON I had to dab Tabasco sauce on the nipples to see him off... SOFIA I can't do this. She pulls away from Arthur, grabs her clothes and jumps out of bed, nearly tipping Arthur out. 13.                         HOBSON I support your decision 100%. Will you be requiring a taxi, or just be          getting in a random passing car? Sofia storms to the door, clutching her clothes. Arthur can see other revellers being removed by HOTEL SECURITY. HOBSON (CONT'D)          Say goodbye to your new friends, Arthur. They have to go back to the recession now. Arthur covers his head with the sheet. ARTHUR Cancel my mother please, Hobson. I'll work from bed today. But Hobson hits a touch-sensitive screen on the wall. The magnetic bed thuds to the ground. She taps another control. MUSIC: HORRIBLE, DEAFENING DEATH METAL ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Not the death metal, please! HOBSON (shouting over the music) Aren't you a fan of Carcass? Hobson reads off an album cover in a little wall screen. HOBSON (CONT'D)          `Vomited Anal Tract' is surely a           classic of its genre. ARTHUR OKAY, OKAY, I'LL GET UP! Arthur sits up. Hobson stops the music. HOBSON Good boy. ARTHUR I'm going for a shower. HOBSON I'll alert the media. 14.         EXT. BALCONY SHOWER - DAY Arthur stands naked in his shower - a big glass cube jutting out from the balcony like something from a David Blaine stunt. Hot jets of water are blasted from holes in the cube's         ceiling. Arthur can see Manhattan far beneath his bare feet as he showers. ARTHUR (SINGING) To Bombay, a travelling circus came...         Arthur grabs a pair of binoculars which hang on a hook. HOBSON They brought an intelligent elephant and Nellie was her name...Hobson! We see Hobson on a little screen inset into the glass wall. She's on a phone at Arthur's computer. ARTHUR Female Tom Hanks! INT. SITTING ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS Hobson - in front of an Ebay screen full of purchases - picks up her own pair of binoculars and looks down. ARTHUR (O.S.) Heading east towards Park Avenue. Through Hobson's binoculars we see A MIDDLE-AGED BUSINESSWOMAN who does look vaguely like a female Tom Hanks! HOBSON She's early today... ARTHUR Can we invite her up and dress her as Forrest Gump? HOBSON No.                         ARTHUR Just for a laugh! We'll pay her. HOBSON Do your armpits. (INTO PHONE) (MORE) 15.                         HOBSON (CONT'D)           Mr. Miller? My employer inexplicably agreed to purchase your... (READS SCREEN) `Authentic 1981 `Funshine' Care Bear'? For $11,000 plus shipping costs? Sorry, but that transaction will take place over my dead body, and I'm feeling rather well today. INT. SHOWER - DAY Arthur's still peering down through his binoculars. ARTHUR (O.S.) Hobson! That was your birthday present! You like bears! A PRIEST WITH THIN SIDEBURNS emerges from A DINER... ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Father Wolverine...          A MASTURBATING MAN IN A 70TH STORY APARTMENT OPPOSITE... ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Wank Williams...That man has the constitution of an ox. Hobson glances up at Arthur, washing himself on the screen. HOBSON That reminds me, clean your genitals. Heaven knows what wildlife that girl was harbouring between her thighs. INT. ARTHUR'S DOJO. DAY - LATER Arthur, in expensive baggy yoga pants and collarless shirt, is doing self-invented yoga to Indian `meditation' music. ARTHUR I give you `Sideways farting spider'. Hobson is sitting, exasperated, going through various expenditures. HOBSON Arthur, you have to stop giving money away! 16.                         ARTHUR I'm a philanthropist. HOBSON With the emphasis on the `pissed'. Really, what is it about unearned wealth that brings out such idiocy in those who have it and those who want it? The way you're going, you'll have spent your inheritance before you've inherited it. ARTHUR (shifts to new pose) `Eagle pointing at lesbian.' HOBSON Why did you fire Jessica? ARTHUR What kind of yoga teacher won't let a pupil invent positions? She was a Nazi with a pan pipe C.D.                         (CHANGING POSE) `Upwards Pooping Astronaut'. HOBSON Interesting. It looks more like `Rich twit hiding from mother.' May I remind you, she finances your preposterous existence... ARTHUR I know, I know. Never bite the hand that fists me. EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY Arthur and Hobson are in a huge Bentley. Marty's at the wheel, still in his Cubs shirt but sporting a chauffeur's cap and tie. As he drives, he checks a bleeping sports pager. He         nearly hits a pedestrian, then goes back to the pager. MARTY Sorry, fellas. HOBSON (CONSPIRATORIAL) You don't seriously intend to keep employing this gentleman? 17.                         ARTHUR Give the guy a chance, Hobson. He          got laid off in Chicago... HOBSON But he doesn't know his way around New York! ARTHUR So? I want interesting, fun people around me, not drones who just get the job done...         Arthur sees something out of the window. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Marty! Stop the car! Marty hits the brakes, pitching Arthur and Hobson forward. EXT. MIDTOWN MANHATTAN - NIGHT Arthur hurries up to A SMALL GROUP OF TOURISTS. WOMAN (O.S.) The Chrysler Building. Designed by          William Van Allen...          A TOUR GUIDE wearing a name badge reading `Naomi' is talking. She is gorgeous, wearing vintage clothes, clutching a         clipboard. We understand why Arthur stopped the car. NAOMI ...and inspired by the machine age of the 1920s, this magnificent structure was the world's tallest building for 11 months before the Empire State stole its thunder. She looks out on her sullen, miserable tourists. NAOMI (CONT'D)          The Chrysler got its name when the builder went bust in the 1928 Cement Famine and had to melt down his Chrysler to make the pointy bit at the top. If you peer closely you can still make out remnants of a          hub cap and a sticker reading `Honk twice if you voted Hoover.' Some tourists laugh. Some don't. Arthur's transfixed. 18.                         NAOMI (CONT'D)           That was a joke, folks. It was built for the Chrysler corporation. Naomi shares an eye roll with A NEWSSTAND GUY who's clearly in love with her. NAOMI (CONT'D)          The spire is a beauty, especially on a winter's morning when the sun hits it and it just seems to... GRUMPY FEMALE TOURIST (INTERRUPTING) How tall is it? NAOMI 1047 feet madam, not allowing for pigeon shit. Okay, let's cross. Naomi leads the tourists across the busy road. She has to go         back to grab a teenager in the headphones, who didn't hear. Arthur hurries alongside Naomi. ARTHUR Can I join your tour please? NAOMI Sure. It's $15, plus $5 for the free authentic street pretzel. Sorry, my bosses make the prices. Arthur produces his wallet full of high-end credit cards. NAOMI (CONT'D)          Sorry. I can't take cards. (BEAT) Ah, owe me it. I start on that corner every day on the hour... Just as Naomi's reaching the other side, a cabbie, driving very aggressively, nearly hits her. NAOMI (CONT'D)          Hey, you big blind jerk! Doesn't          your braille windshield work? CABBIE (ANGRY) !NO ME HINCHAN LAS PELOTAS! 19.                         NAOMI PEGUELO ENCIMA DE SU ASNO, USTED PINCHAZO GRANDE SU MADRE ES UN PUTA ENORMA Y SU PADRE NO TIENE NINGUIN MARTILLO! The cabbie's shocked - but laughs and blows Naomi a kiss. She smiles back. ARTHUR Wow. What did you say? NAOMI Just generalised criticism of his parents and genitals. (to the tourists) Everyone make it over alive? Excellent. Next we enter Times Square, world famous for New Year's          Eve, when a Waterford Crystal Ball descends at eye-poppingly slow speed for the inexplicable entertainment of a million drunk fools. Many people think the square is actually a square, despite blatant evidence otherwise. (TO ARTHUR) Sir? What shape is Times Square? ARTHUR A circle? NAOMI (LAUGHS) See? Morons. More tourists laugh this time. Some... GRUMPY MALE TOURIST When do we get the pretzel? NAOMI Soon, sir. Soon. She checks her watch and leads the party inside a laundromat. NAOMI (CONT'D)          Okay, next the very Laundromat once used by George Gershwin, Donald Trump...          20. INT. LAUNDROMAT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Naomi approaches a washing machine just as it ends its cycle and makes a loud buzz. NAOMI ...Mr Big from Sex and the City and three of the 9-11 terrorists. She starts unloading the machine of a large man's whites - vests, underwear, shirts, all stained red by a baseball cap. NAOMI (CONT'D)          Oh, dad. She transfers the laundry into a tumble dryer and feeds it         quarters. Arthur stays close. NAOMI (CONT'D)          The Welsh poet Dylan Thomas drank himself to death at the Chelsea Hotel half an hour after losing a          sock in this very dryer. ARTHUR (CONSPIRATORIAL) Are you abusing this tour to do          your errands? NAOMI Are you abusing the tour to stalk me? ARTHUR Absolutely. Arthur stares at the big tumble dryers. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          These things are amazing. Have you ever put all your father's clothes on and just got inside one? Naomi looks at him, bemused but intrigued as she heads to the door. EXT. TIMES SQUARE - DAY Hobson's out of the car looking for Arthur. HOBSON Where the blazes is that boy? Arthur! 21.         EXT. STREET - DAY - CONTINUOUS They emerge into the street. NAOMI Ahead, the jewel in Manhattan's          crown, the Empire State Building. This iconic symbol of American corporate might was adapted during World War 2 in case of attack from enemy forces. At three minutes' notice the entire structure can retract into the ground like a          tortoise's head. TOURIST That's not possible. I should know, I'm a civil engineer. NAOMI You're not being very civil to me. Some tourists laugh. ARTHUR The building doesn't retract; the ground rises up. NAOMI Exactly. The ground rises up! Thank you, sir.                         ARTHUR They were going to install giant legs so if a plane was flying at          the tower it could run away. But where's it going to run? NAOMI Manhattan's in the way. ARTHUR It'd have to jump in the Hudson. NAOMI Victory to the Nazis. Is that what you want? The group approaches a pretzel stand. NAOMI (CONT'D)          Okay, folks, your pretzel awaits. The group lines up to get their pretzels. 22.                         NAOMI (CONT'D)           Do I know you from somewhere? ARTHUR If you go on Perez Hilton or TMZ. NAOMI What are they? ARTHUR The gossip websites. NAOMI That the internet? Ah, my          computer's too old for all that. ARTHUR For the internet? Seriously? NAOMI Life's too short for all this obsessive upgrading. ARTHUR You consider the internet an          upgrade? Wow. NAOMI So why do people gossip about you? ARTHUR Ah, that was a joke. I'm nobody. Arthur feels a tap on his shoulder. Hobson. HOBSON You're late for your mother! NAOMI (TO ARTHUR) Sorry, this pretzel stand is a          watering hole for the crazies. (raises her voice to                         HOBSON) The soup kitchen's just up and to          the left, honey. ARTHUR Hobson, this is... (reads her badge) Naomi. NAOMI She's with you? 23.                         HOBSON Delighted to meet you, Naomi. Normally one has to go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature. NAOMI Ooh, Grandma's got jokes. HOBSON You aren't the first woman who walks the streets this young man has asked. NAOMI Who's this? Joan Rivers' older bitterer sister? ARTHUR My nanny. NAOMI Obviously. Seriously, who is she? ARTHUR My nanny. Well, she started as          that, but these days she's more of           an all-round enforcer and bodyguard. Naomi looks at her watch and glances to the tourists, chewing on their pretzels. She starts to walk away. NAOMI Sorry, I have to get out the cattle prod and haul ass. Got another tour starting in eight minutes. ARTHUR Can I call you? Naomi starts to walk away. NAOMI I don't give my number to grown men with nannies. But as you may not be          a grown man, it's 917 476 2030. Manhattan swallows the lovely stranger. 24.         INT. TEMPLEMEAD HOLDINGS - DAY - CONTINUOUS They cross a huge foyer, passing a big sign reading `TEMPLEMEAD HOLDINGS INC' to the elevator. ARTHUR But what if this is the one? HOBSON This is just like the Komodo dragon. Everyone else is happy to          see one in the zoo and leave it           there. You had to own one. Thank goodness that handbag manufacturer was prepared to take the poor lizard away. ARTHUR (HORRIFIED) You said he's in London Zoo! HOBSON He is, Arthur. Are you the only one allowed to joke now? INT. TEMPLEMEAD HOLDINGS. RECEPTION AREA - DAY Reception is manned by GRANT, a too-cool-for-school, young Aryan beefcake straight out of an Abercrombie & Fitch spread. Arthur and Hobson enter. ARTHUR I don't like it here. HOBSON Of course you don't. People work here. GRANT (HATES ARTHUR) Good afternoon, Mr Bach-Templemead. ARTHUR Hi Grant. Tell me - which of your parents are you most like? Abercrombie or Fitch? GRANT (doesn't get the joke) I have no connection with that store. My family name is Von Krausehoff. Take a seat please. 25.         Arthur and Hobson sit down. Grant picks up a phone. GRANT (CONT'D)          Vivienne? (conspiratorial, flirty) White mid-rise briefs...mmmm. HOBSON Don't fret, Arthur. This won't take long. Then we'll have ice cream. A LARGE OFFICE DOOR opens spookily of its own accord. VIVIENNE (O.S.) Come in, Arthur. Arthur heads to the door. VIVIENNE BACH-TEMPLEMEAD a         formidable, tanned American widow in her sixties, shakes his hand. VIVIENNE (CONT'D)          Arthur. ARTHUR Vivienne. VIVIENNE You know I prefer `mother'. ARTHUR I'm sorry. You look more like a          Vivienne. Vivienne nods to Hobson as the door to her lair shuts. An icy breeze passes between biological mother and surrogate. INT. VIVIENNE'S OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS The office boasts many glass cases full of trophies and framed photos of Vivienne's younger self showjumping and holding trophies aloft. There's one small photo of Vivienne, Arthur's late father GERALD and Arthur as a toddler. Vivienne's engrossed in a document, making notations. Arthur, clearly uncomfortable here, sits in a low sofa before her. VIVIENNE (not looking up) So. How are you, Arthur? ARTHUR Quite busy. I have a riding boot shoot for Petrie Dressage...          26. But Vivienne's buried in her work, not listening. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          What else...I'm meeting Ivanka Trump for brunch to discuss the environment. She's sending her helicopter to avoid the traffic...         Vivienne's still not listening. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Crashed my Batmobile into the bronze bull on Wall Street...         She's still not listening. Has it always been like this? ARTHUR (CONT'D)          ...which caused a hole to swallow up the New York Stock Exchange...         She's still not listening. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          ..the world economy to collapse and the planet to descend into looting and cannibalism. Still not listening. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          What else? Um...tripped over in the shower this morning. Head split open, found a family of meerkats hiding in there! Hated the thought of the little lads being homeless so I bricked up the remaining half of my brain, popped them back in          and Hobson glued my skull back together. Still not listening. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          I'm thinking of buying a giant. I          think the market's right for it. Arthur stops. He watches Vivienne. He lets out a huge belch. Nothing. A big fart. Nothing. Opera. Nothing. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          You really are a shoddy mother. Vivienne eventually looks up. 27.                         VIVIENNE Did I hear you say you were meeting Ivanka Trump for brunch? That's          nice. Right. Today we're going to          have a friendly chat. Then a          serious talk. And lastly make a          timetable. How does all that sound? ARTHUR Amazing. Do you have any vodka? VIVIENNE What happened, Arthur? You were such a sweet baby. ARTHUR I still wake up in my own poo occasionally. VIVIENNE Right, that's it for the chat. Time to transition to our talk. Vivienne hits a remote control. A large wall-mounted screen fills with a changing collage of him drunk, dancing, puking, making out with women, beside countless news headlines. VIVIENNE (CONT'D)          This insanity has to end, Arthur. As the delightful coffee-coloured gentleman who runs this country said, `The time has come to set aside childish things.' ARTHUR Can't Hobson set them aside for me? VIVIENNE Susan is a splendid girl. Her feet are on the ground, she's of fine stock... ARTHUR (GETS UP) Oh. That's what this is all about. I'm not marrying Susan. I don't          love her. VIVIENNE And? You think I spent my marriage to your father skipping through meadows? 28.                         ARTHUR Not after you ran him over in the Bentley, no. Susan's boring. She's         not funny. VIVIENNE Ditto your father. The aristocracy doesn't marry for `fun', Arthur. It's about stability. Continuity... ARTHUR ...and sinking your fangs into Susan's father's bank account. VIVIENNE The Johnson family's considerable equity in a stormy financial period is merely a side issue. Burt is a         pillar of the community. ARTHUR His baby formula was taken off the market in six African countries! VIVIENNE A completely innocent error in         places where there's precious little for children to live for anyway. The families all got gift baskets as compensation. That little bump in the road aside, Burt is a devout Christian. ARTHUR Yes, because they're never insane. And where did he get Jesus? VIVIENNE (GETTING EXASPERATED) Burt paid his debt to society years ago. ARTHUR He strangled a fireman! Who strangles a fireman? VIVIENNE Arthur...          29. ARTHUR I'm sorry, Vivienne. I've met someone else very lovely who, as         far as I know, isn't related to          anyone who would kill an unsung hero in cold blood. VIVIENNE Un-meet her. Arthur, you're the end of our line. We need an heir. ARTHUR I nearly gave you an heir! VIVIENNE Oh, give me strength! A Bach- Templemead having a child by a lap dancer called `Mystery'? ARTHUR That was just her stage name! To         give her more mystery when she...waved her fanny around. Her real name was...what was it again? VIVIENNE Susan is 33 this year. Her egg inventory has dropped by 23% since you met her. You risk having no         sons, or worse, some pea-brained hunchback who hugs everyone! ARTHUR Great! I like hugs! And some of         them are really good at math. (heading to the door) You know the `Frog and Toad' books? VIVIENNE No.                         ARTHUR Of course you don't. Hobson read them to me while you were off riding horses over stripey poles. They're about fun and friendship, not how many unspasticated tadpoles I can squirt up a rich girl. VIVIENNE Your father would turn in his grave to hear this nonsense...          30. ARTHUR That I won't follow in his footsteps and marry a woman I hate? I think he might climb out of the grave and dance on it. VIVIENNE Suit yourself. Vivienne holds up the document she was notating earlier. VIVIENNE (CONT'D)          My will, which I have updated to           designate Grant in reception as the sole beneficiary. ARTHUR You wouldn't! You're my... VIVIENNE ...Vivienne? Try me. Vivienne opens a draw and takes out A HUGE RING BOX. VIVIENNE (CONT'D)          Shall we segue to the timetable part of our meeting? INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY The liberated lobsters are now living happily at the bottom of the London phone box aquarium. Arthur eats lunch alone at         a huge table, THE BIGGEST DIAMOND RING IN THE WORLD is beside him. Hobson brings a plate of vitamins. HOBSON Ah. The ring your father gave your mother, I recall. ARTHUR (feeling its huge weight) Did he knock her out with it, then drive her to the church in the trunk of his Bentley? HOBSON No. Your father was a gentleman. ARTHUR What's gentlemanly about dying before I knew him? That's just rude. Did he ever love my mother? 31.                         HOBSON They had their days. ARTHUR Ah well. At least he doesn't have to wake up every day to a woman with a face like saran wrap stretched over a gargoyle. Arthur stares at the ring again. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          What about Naomi? HOBSON Arthur. I say this with love: ARTHUR Uh-oh... HOBSON Even by modern male standards you're a breathtakingly immature little shit. Coupled with the kind of money you have access to, that's          deadly. Susan may not have a four hour stand up routine about the Flatiron Building, but she's a          solid girl who will look after you. ARTHUR I have you for that. HOBSON Not forever. ARTHUR Yes forever. You're Hobson. INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT - DAY - CONTINUOUS Naomi answers a giant old cellphone in her modest apartment, cooking for her dad, RALPH, a bear of a man slumped in front of the TV watching CSI. A picture of Naomi and her elderly mother, in hospital, is on the wall. NAOMI Hello? (SILENCE) Hello? 32.          ARTHUR (O.S, ON PHONE) (MOCK SINISTER) This is your English stalker. NAOMI (UNFAZED) Oh, hi! What's up? ARTHUR I'm sorry, I've never really understood that question. Are you free tomorrow night? NAOMI Sorry, I'm polishing my yacht. INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY - CONTINUOUS Arthur's on the toilet in a bathroom whose walls are entirely covered in a photographic mural to make it look like he's         sitting at the top of a ski slope, with skis on his feet. ARTHUR Is that a euphemism for something naughty? NAOMI No, it's a lie. I have a creative writing class. Tonight? Arthur glances down at the ring box on the floor. ARTHUR I have a contractual commitment. Friday? NAOMI You got it. ARTHUR Paper. NAOMI Sorry? A voice-activated toilet paper dispenser spits out a sheet. ARTHUR Sorry, I was talking to something else. So. What do you want to do? 33.         INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. DAY - CONTINUOUS Naomi dishes out the food on cheap plates. It's all a big contrast to Arthur's setting. NAOMI A movie? ARTHUR Movie? Come on, you've got to try harder than that. NAOMI Pizza. ARTHUR What have you always wanted to do? NAOMI It's a first date, Arthur. Not our honeymoon. ARTHUR Every date will be our honeymoon. NAOMI (MOCK DISGUSTED) Ewww. Okay, uh, picnic in the park...or dinner with a view. I          like views. INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY - CONTINUOUS Arthur's standing at a sink. A list is beside him, reading `Picnic in park, movie, dinner, view.' ARTHUR What sort of food do you like? NAOMI Anything but guts and mushrooms. Okay, enough questions. ARTHUR Oh come on. This all helps build up          a profile of you before I trick you into my basement. I'd hate to not have your favourite snacks ready. NAOMI Turkey Jerky and Pez. Are we done? Just that I....          34. The line goes dead. Hobson is standing behind Arthur, the ripped out phone cord in her hand. HOBSON Time to get engaged, Arthur. The Komodo dragon can wait. EXT. JOHNSON MANSION. NIGHT The original Delorean from `Back to the Future' putters up to         Burt Johnson's imposing, tacky mansion. The car stops and the gull wing door swings up, revealing an extremely drunk Arthur, clutching a bottle of champagne. INT. THE JOHNSON MANSION - NIGHT AN EXTREMELY STIFF, MISERABLE OLD BUTLER answers. ARTHUR Hi! Is it June 19th at 7 pm? BUTLER No, sir. It's 8.34. ARTHUR FUCK! We overshot! Time travel can be a real cunt sometimes, don't you think? I'll be right back. See you in an hour and a half ago...         The butler doesn't laugh. INT. BURT'S STUDY - DAY - LATER Arthur and the butler enter the large, paneled study. BUTLER Would you care for anything while you wait? ARTHUR A trampoline and a selection of          woodland creatures if that's not too much trouble. The butler leaves. Arthur gazes around the room, which is         filled with antique Christian iconography. The ceiling fan is         in the shape of a cross. A large, scary Jesus statue, palms outstretched, stares at him from beside a fish tank. He sees a cocktail cabinet. 35.                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)           Ah! (TO JESUS) Shhhhh...         He opens the cabinet. Nothing but bottles of water. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Bollocks. (TO JESUS) Sorry. Actually, you couldn't,          um....you know... (points to the water) ...turn this into a nice 1990 Romanee Conti, could you? He sips the water as if it's wine. Lifts it to Jesus. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Cheers ears. He checks out a huge, very old, rusty sword on the wall. Beneath it is a small information plaque. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          `Genuine Sword of the First Crusade. Excavated Germany, 1972'. He looks around, then reaches up and takes it off. It's VERY heavy and clanks to the ground, slamming his foot. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Jesus Fucking Christ! (TO JESUS) Sorry. It's not like you shouted `Arthur Fucking Bach' when they pinned you up. Sorry. Sore subject. Arthur lifts the sword again, brandishing and twirling it, making the noise of a Star Wars light sabre. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Feel the force, Luke. He swings it in a full arc...CLUNK! Arthur has decapitated Jesus! Where's the head? The door opens. BURT JOHNSON, a large, imposing man with a tiny crucifix around his neck, fills the doorway. BURT Arthur! 36.                         ARTHUR I, er, had a bit of food stuck in          my teeth and couldn't find a           toothpick. Burt, unperturbed, takes the sword from Arthur. BURT Heck, this sword went through three crusades. Beheaded 1000 moslems. Nothing you can do to harm it. Burt walks straight past headless Jesus to the water cabinet. Arthur looks around desperately for the head. ARTHUR You don't, um, have anything stronger, do you? BURT Sparkling. Arthur laughs nervously. But Burt's not joking. BURT (CONT'D)          `The drunkard and the glutton shalt come to poverty: and drowsiness shalt clothe a man with rags.' ARTHUR Surely a glass of sherry at          Christmas? Burt clinks glasses with him. BURT Peace be with you. ARTHUR And also with me. He sees Jesus's head! It's sitting on top of one of the blades of the ceiling fan! BURT Arthur. Can I be honest with you? ARTHUR You're the real Slim Shady? I knew it! 37.                         BURT My faith teaches me to hate the sin, not the sinner. But with you, I struggle with that belief. Burt turns away to get a glass of water. ARTHUR You could switch to Judaism. (glances up at the fan) Bit warm in here. Do you mind if I          put the fan on? Arthur turns the fan on a low setting. It rotates slowly, the head going around with it. Burt turns away to pour more water. Arthur grabs the moment to speed up the fan again, until it's going fast enough and Jesus's head falls off. Arthur catches it. Arthur gets behind Burt, out of sight temporarily. BURT Anyway, Arthur. However I feel about you, my daughter loves you. ARTHUR Yes, it's a problem, isn't it? Arthur reaches out and, unseen by Burt, he reaches out of         shot and puts the head back on Jesus's body. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Let's knock our heads together and find a way to stop her loving me....Got it! We'll tell her I'm on          the sex offenders register....No, I           am and she knows. (BEAT) Joke, sorry. Ah. We'll say I'm gay! I did once dabble actually, so I          can tell a plausible story. BURT You made love to a guy? ARTHUR One Moslem doesn't make a mosque, Burt. BURT You made love to a Moslem? 38.                         ARTHUR No, sir, it was Prince Alois of          Lichtenstein and he made love to           me. The fact that it took three bottles of poppers and a Jacuzzi full of Krug to loosen me up          confirmed my heterosexuality. Arthur notices that Jesus's head is on backwards. Burt picks up a Bible from his desk and quotes from memory. BURT `If there is a man who lies with a          male, they shall surely be put to           death.' ARTHUR Crikey. Couldn't there just be some kind of on-the-spot fine? Burt really hammers the table this time. BURT You will stop this talk and marry - my - fucking...         Jesus's head falls off. Arthur peers around. It's nowhere! ARTHUR Oh bollocks. Both Arthur and Burt see Jesus's head at the bottom of the fish tank. It floats back up to the top. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          It's a miracle! He is risen! But SUSAN, Burt's beautiful daughter, enters with her best friend Erica - who Arthur met whilst at the restaurant the other night. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Hi Susan. Erica. Burt looks from Jesus's head to the sword, figuring it out. SUSAN Sorry to make you wait, Arthur. I          was talking to your mother. I hear you have something to ask me! Arthur feels Burt's smiling face - and hating eyes - on him. 39.                         ARTHUR Shall we go? INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT A VERY PRECISE FRENCH WAITER performs the specials menu with ludicrous elan. Susan is rapt, taking it all very seriously. WAITER (O.S.) ...the chef has bathed the bass in          a parceline of Chilean fennel and finished him with a little gift of          kobe beef. Also I have a          progressive tasting of Kumamoto oysters en gelee which evolve on          the palate, from light and refreshing to complex and spicy. A          short story with a twist at the end! Le fin. Susan chuckles approvingly, knowingly, the twit. She coos with delight and claps in appreciation. ARTHUR Do you have something with less words please? The chef doesn't have to re-cook it, just scrape off the nouns and trim out all that gibberish in the middle. SUSAN He's just joshing, Dominic. I'll do          the skate in wood ear mushroom. WAITER Excellent decision. Sir?                         ARTHUR A bowl of champagne and a spoon. The waiter leaves, despising Arthur. SUSAN Arthur, did you really have to be          so icky to Dominic? ARTHUR I'm sorry. I just can't handle the whole specials act. It's not a          Shakespearean soliloquy, it's some heated up dead things that aren't          on the main menu. 40.         A WINE WAITER slams a bowl and spoon next to Arthur. He pours in champagne. SUSAN You know, I was grumbling to your mother about how things are with us          sometimes. How I'm sure you're          trying to drive me away...          Arthur slurps his champagne. ARTHUR Um hm. SUSAN But she was explaining that relationships are like property purchases; invest only in high-end stock, avoid anyone 'up-and- coming', then hold onto the property through thick and thin to          deliver maximum return! Isn't that darling? ARTHUR Is it possible to buy the house but then rent it out? Sorry, joke. I'm          not suggesting pimping you. Arthur sees a very frail, rich old woman dripping in         diamonds, passing by on her walking frame. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Look. You after our first child is          born. SUSAN Arthur. Why can't you learn to          laugh at genuinely amusing things? ARTHUR Such as? SUSAN YouTube clips of babies giggling. Dane Cook. ARTHUR Susan. Why are we together? SUSAN I love you, Arthur. And you love me, whatever you think. 41.                         ARTHUR We don't have the same sense of          humour. We don't like the same films, food, music. You like horses, I think they're arrogant idiots... SUSAN Don't they say opposites attract? ARTHUR That depends on the opposites. Racists and the Nation of Islam don't secretly want to 69 each other. Susan, you're beautiful. You're bright. You're fucking loaded. Is there really no one else who could make you happy? SUSAN No.                         ARTHUR Never? SUSAN Well, I had a thing at college. That was serious for a while. But daddy...         She stops herself. ARTHUR Daddy what? Prayed to Jesus for it          not to work out, then shot the bloke behind a meat truck? Because Jesus would consider that cheating. Susan places her hand on Arthur's.                         SUSAN Ask me, Arthur. Arthur takes Susan's hand. ARTHUR Susan. You're the only woman...at          this table. A waiter tops up Susan's wine. Arthur, now very drunk, holds out his champagne bowl to be refilled. 42.                         SUSAN You're not happy, Arthur. Nobody who drinks like you can be happy. ARTHUR How do you know? What if the drunker I get the better it is for me? Not everyone who drinks is a          poet, Susan. Some of us drink because we're not poets. The waiter arrives with Susan's fish and Arthur's drink. SUSAN A real woman could stop you from drinking. ARTHUR It'd have to be a real big woman. SUSAN Ask me, Arthur. Arthur sinks to his knees. Susan waits...and waits. Arthur has passed out. Susan kicks him awake. He fumbles away in the gloom, getting out the ring box and trying to get it on her finger. At table level, Susan waits, irritated. ARTHUR (O.S.) All done. Susan pulls her hand up, and gazes at the huge, glinting diamond - pushed onto the end of her thumb. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Susan. Would you marry me? Take the weekend if you want... SUSAN Yes, I'll marry you. She nods imperceptibly at the waiter. WAITER Ladies and gentleman - the happy couple! Music starts. A congratulatory round of applause. Confetti is         thrown. The whole restaurant cheers. Susan whips out her Blackberry and starts hitting keys. 43.                         SUSAN Erica will be the planner. ARTHUR Erica? She hates me. SUSAN Who I love, she loves. ARTHUR Oh, come on. She always looks like she wants to set fire to my face then put it out with an Uzi. Susan's phone rings. SUSAN (ANSWERING) Hello...thanks, daddy! Sorry, hang on, I have Erica calling... ARTHUR What's going on? I only just bloody proposed! Arthur's phone rings. The caller I.D reads `Vivienne'. He         kills the call and sits, horrified, as the entire restaurant celebrates his grim fate. INT. PIERRE HOTEL BASEMENT GARAGE - NIGHT - LATER In the gloom we track past the crushed Batmobile, the Delorean and other famous cars, to find Arthur sitting in         KITT from `Knight Rider'. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          What have I done, Kitt? This mistake's up there with Hitler joining his school debating team... VOICE (FEMALE) Go to bed, Arthur. Arthur jumps out of his skin. But it's Hobson, standing by         the car holding a dressing gown and a mug of cocoa. HOBSON And stop this self-pitying bibble. You're going to be fabulously rich. ARTHUR Maybe I'd rather be fabulously poor. Some poor people I see look happy. 44.                         HOBSON That's either because they're far away or you've just given them money. Arthur, poor people have to          work. They stand for hours in the rain, waiting for buses full of          other poor people to take them to           things called `jobs' which they do           all year round to pay for holidays away from those jobs. ARTHUR Don't patronise me. I have a job. HOBSON Lying drunk on a bale of hay in          riding boots being photographed by           another pampered prick won't           prepare you for the work I mean. And I don't want to see you suffer. Take your fish oil. INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT, QUEENS - NIGHT A very old Apple Mac sits on a cluttered desk. Ralph is in his chair, eating Popeye's Chicken n' Biscuits, watching CSI on an old TV with a tiny satellite dish on top. RALPH When are we getting cable? NAOMI (O.S.) We have satellite. RALPH Honey, that's some bullshit aerial from the 99 cent Store! NAOMI It's a satellite dish! RALPH I read the box! It said `No satellite fees to pay because does not receive satellite signals!' That's like saying `Hey - eat this plate of broken glass! It won't          make you fat. 'cause IT'S GLASS!' Naomi comes in, looking absolutely beautiful. She checks her hair in the mirror. 45.                         NAOMI It's better than nothing. Ralph unplugs the dish. The picture improves. RALPH No it ain't. Honey, I love you, but you're even cheaper than your mom. And she bought food from yard sales. NAOMI I miss her too, daddy. But now she's gone and if I'm going to keep you in grits and Oprah the rest of          your life, you live by my rules. RALPH But you live like you're preparing for a war. And you earn a decent salary. NAOMI So? I want to know I can look after you. RALPH What's he do, this English bum? NAOMI Who cares? He's nice. He's funny. On CSI, a female body is being unearthed. RALPH Yeah and I bet that girl said the same about her date. Honey, stay home. I don't want you ending up          like that poor girl. NAOMI A bad actress holding her breath? She changes the channel to something else. NAOMI (CONT'D)          Stop watching CSI. A beep from outside. She kisses him and leaves. EXT. PARK - NIGHT Arthur's Bentley pulls up at a quiet part of Battery Park. 46.          ARTHUR (O.S.) Sorry we drove around so long. Navigation isn't my driver's strong point. There's a huge ding in one side of the car. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Or road awareness. INT. BENTLEY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Arthur and Naomi sit in the back of the car, while Marty checks sports results on his pager. ARTHUR Can you put this on please? Arthur's holding a blindfold. NAOMI On a first date? Are you crazy? ARTHUR Trust me. NAOMI Arthur. We're in Battery Park at          night. I've met you once - in the company of your nanny. You make a          disturbing number of jokes about stalking and basements. My dad already has you down as a mass murderer. And you want me to put on          a blindfold? ARTHUR I give you my word - if I kill and eat you, you'll never see me again. She shrugs and puts on the blindfold. EXT. NIGHT - LATER Arthur guides Naomi in the dark. She stumbles. NAOMI Okay, I'm officially a little worried. She tries to pull her blindfold off. 47.                         ARTHUR (LAUGHING) Don't worry! Arthur removes her blindfold. She's stunned to find herself on a huge blanket under a tree in a clearing lit by numerous candles. Before them is spread the most amazing picnic of all time. Flowers are everywhere. A log fire burns in a grate. Soft music plays. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          You said you wanted a picnic. He pours them glasses of 1928 Krug. NAOMI Arthur, I don't know what to say. It's beautiful. (LOOKING AROUND) Who did all this? ARTHUR The picnic fairies. Who liaised with the flower fairies, the candle fairies, the log fire fairies, the hidden sound system fairies...         He lifts a silver platter lid to reveal a vast pizza. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          ...and the pizza fairies. A crack of a twig from somewhere. NAOMI Did you take account of the heroin fairies who hang here at night? But there's nobody there. A cool breeze blows. Naomi shivers. Arthur uses a remote to turn the log fire flames up. ARTHUR It's nice to keep it simple like this. I'm sick of Michelin-star restaurants. All that embarrassing crap with the specials. NAOMI Are you kidding? Where I normally eat, the special's the one that comes with a free toy. Arthur lifts a grill lid to turn over succulent steaks. 48.                         NAOMI (CONT'D)           You're rich rich, aren't you? ARTHUR I get by. NAOMI `It doesn't remotely matter how much or what you spend it on' rich? Arthur shrugs and swigs champagne, pouring more. NAOMI (CONT'D)          Craziest thing you ever bought? ARTHUR I once inadvertently financed a          terrorist cell who said they needed £100,000 to open a falafel stall. She laughs. She stops laughing. NAOMI Oh my G-d, you're serious. ARTHUR What's the craziest thing you ever told a tour party? NAOMI I once said the Manhattan we were in was actually a movie set built for `You've got Mail', but that after the film wrapped, everyone moved to the set because there was less crime. A sudden, very loud, very out-of-date ring tone. Naomi takes out a huge ancient Motorola phone. NAOMI (CONT'D)          Yes, dad? There's a small Tiffany butter knife about two inches from his hand but it might take him eight months to dismember me with it. (PHONE BLEEPS) Gotta go, battery. Love you too. She ends the call. 49.                         NAOMI (CONT'D)           Mom died last year. For eight months dad ate nothing but Popeye's          Chicken n' Biscuits in front of           CSI. So I persuaded him to move in          with me. Where he eats Popeye's          Chicken n' Biscuits in front of           CSI. ARTHUR Sounds like you're very good to          him. NAOMI What are you gonna do? All those years your folks tucked you in, did their best to stop you from eating crap in front of the TV. And then one day, you're the one saying `No, honey, it's bad for you! Go to          bed.' Weird, huh? ARTHUR (not relating at all) Yeah. I hate that. (looks at her phone) Nice bit of kitsch. Where did you find that? NAOMI AT&T store in 1998. ARTHUR It's...You've had it twelve years? NAOMI It's a fine phone. Battery life of          eleven seconds, which cuts the crap right out of conversations. Something weird is happening. The world wobbles imperceptibly as the background drops away. She hasn't noticed yet. NAOMI (CONT'D)          I can't believe these mofos who gotta keep up with the latest bullshit. CDs come along, so out with the vinyl. Vinyl's back in, out with the CDs. I just kept the vinyl. Way cheaper, and I get to be          incredibly hip once every 20 years....         A beat. She looks around. And down. 50.                         NAOMI (CONT'D)           WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Cutting wide, we see that the picnic was taking place on a         grass covered platform with a tree planted in it - which is          being lifted off the ground by a crane! ARTHUR I couldn't decide between picnic in          the park and dinner with a view. So          it's a picnic in the sky! Isn't it          ace? The whole thing is rising higher and higher and higher. NAOMI No it is not ace, you crazy English bastard! This is dangerous! ARTHUR Oh, sorry. Forgot. They said to put these on. He pulls back the blanket to reveal seat belts. He straps her in. ARTHUR (CONT'D)                         (LAUGHING) Naomi, it's okay! It's very safe. It's this company called `Aerial Delights'. They specialise in          catering unusual events at a height of 180 feet above the ground. A gust of wind blows the structure, which swings. Naomi screams. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          So what got you into the walking tours? NAOMI You're seriously making date small talk while this is going on? ARTHUR Be still. Breathe deep. (strikes a Zen pose) `When you can be calm in the midst of activity, this is the true state of nature': Huanchu Daoeren. 51.                         NAOMI `Lower this freak show to the ground and get me a cab': Naomi Snart. ARTHUR (handing her something) Taste this truffle. Naomi tastes it. It's clearly delicious. She gazes around as         the crane swings them out over the Hudson. The view of         Manhattan, of the river, of the Statue of Liberty, is mind bogglingly gorgeous from up here. Naomi bursts out laughing. She sips champagne. NAOMI What the hell. Gotta go sometime, right? At least it won't be years of pain like mom. Just a few seconds of screaming and falling with a truffle in my mouth. ARTHUR So anyway. The tours... NAOMI (CALMING HERSELF) Okay, okay. Be deep. Breathe still. The tours are a temporary nine year fill-in until I'm drowned in a          tsunami of apologies from everyone who failed to recognise my writing genius first time round. ARTHUR What did you write? NAOMI A kids' book. I sent a chapter to a          childrens' publisher. Sunshine Press'. The rejection letter was the meanest thing I ever read. ARTHUR Kids can be so cruel... NAOMI (INTERRUPTING) Arthur? We have a problem. 52.                         ARTHUR I told you, don't worry. These crane people know what they're          doing! NAOMI Not that kind of problem. Arthur feels a blade at his throat. He looks up to see A         JUNKIE, CLEARLY HIGH, standing over him. JUNKIE Phone. And the watch. Hurry. Arthur hands him his phone and watch. ARTHUR Um. Out of interest, how did you get up here? JUNKIE What you talkin' about, dog? We see a sleeping bag and needles behind the tree! NAOMI Great. `Picnic in the sky' followed by `Robbed in the sky'! Arthur get the giggles as the junkie reaches into his pocket for his wallet. Naomi gets involuntary giggles too. NAOMI (CONT'D)          This isn't funny, you lunatic. The junkie stuffs his face with food, swigs champagne from the bottle, then walks away. Phew. Then... ARTHUR AND NAOMI NOOOO! The junkie's walking towards the edge, oblivious! Arthur jumps up, causing the platform to wobble scarily. He grabs the junkie's arm. The junkie swipes, cutting Arthur's hand. ARTHUR OWWW! You don't understand! We're          180 feet up in the sky! JUNKIE (LAUGHS) You on the same shit as me, yeah? Good stuff, right? 53.                         ARTHUR No, we're not high! Well we are, but only in the literal sense. The junkie hurries away again. He's about to walk off the edge. Arthur runs and grabs him. They end up in a messy struggle, the platform rocking badly. ARTHUR (CONT'D)                         (TO NAOMI) Hit the panic button! It's next to          the truffle station! Naomi's panicking, searching desperately. Arthur and the junkie roll over the posh food, right to the edge! ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Hurry! NAOMI I can't find it. Over here? ARTHUR No! That's the bouquet of world hams! Naomi finds the truffle station and hits the panic button. Down in a Crane Cab an alarm goes off. The driver starts to         lower the platform. Naomi tries to help Arthur as he struggles with the junkie, but she gets slashed on the ear. She screams. As the platform lowers, it swings back over the river to the land and tips them all into the river! CUT TO: INT. ARTHUR'S CAR - NIGHT Naomi and Arthur - his face bruised - are sitting in the car, both dripping wet. Naomi's ear and Arthur's hand are bandaged. ARTHUR I had fun tonight. She stares at him as if he's utterly crazy. NAOMI I can't believe I'm saying this, but so did I.          54. INT. ARTHUR'S PENTHOUSE - BALLROOM DAY The room has started to fill with groom's paraphernalia - morning suits, top hats, shoes. Erica is sitting with a huge sheaf of wedding admin and brochures. Vivienne, Burt and Susan listen attentively, studying seating plans. It all feels more like a council of war than a wedding preparation. ERICA Summarising Phase Alpha: formal wear for bridal attendants, groom's          attendants, mens' formal wear, St           John the Divine all confirmed...          ARTHUR'S lying on a chaise longue, hungover. A TAILOR stretches a tape measure along him as if measuring a corpse. ARTHUR (TO TAILOR) Are there breathing holes in the coffin? TAILOR I'm sorry? ARTHUR In case I'm passed out drunk rather than medically dead? ERICA Don't worry, Thomas. This whole thing's just a joke to Arthur. Hobson brings Arthur a glass of water and two Nurofen. ARTHUR (VERY AFFECTIONATE) Thanks, Hobnobs. You are good to          me. Vivienne, irritated, hands Hobson a coffee cup. VIVIENNE Take this away. (TO ERICA) Progress on the reception? ERICA Black inked at the Emery Roth Room at the Ritz-Carlton. The screen lights up with a church graphic. 55.                         ERICA (CONT'D)           A first pass at the guest list. Bride's family and friends: A 3-d layout of the church appears on a laptop. In the mock up, the bride's side of the aisle fills with hundreds of         computerised guests, many labelled with famous names. ERICA (CONT'D)          Groom's family and friends: About a fifth of that number pop up on Arthur's side. ERICA (CONT'D)          We can arrange to screen off the area behind your guests, Arthur. To          make it seem less desperate. Arthur groans and leans over a bowl. ARTHUR Sorry, everyone. that graphic's too colourful and this hangover's a 7.6 on the Richter..the Sickter...         Arthur's sick. Erica lays out more sheets. ERICA Cakes, caterers, floral arrangements, photographer...         Hobson reappears, wipes his mouth and takes the bowl. She stands with it accidentally-on-purpose, very close to         Vivienne's nose. HOBSON Will there be anything else, sir?                         ARTHUR No, thanks. HOBSON (TO VIVIENNE) Ma'am? VIVIENNE No. You can leave. ARTHUR Why all this crap now? What's the rush anyway? BURT The wedding is in a month, Arthur. 56.                         ARTHUR A month? I was thinking more sort of ten, fifteen years. Just to          really enjoy the anticipation of           the big day. Arthur gets up. ERICA Where are you going? ARTHUR (gets out his cellphone) Sorry, Dwight D. Bridalshower, Operation Ball and Chain will have to wait. EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY Arthur is walking Naomi along the Hudson, this time in         daylight. He stops. ARTHUR Here we are. NAOMI We're not going to end up in the Hudson again, are we? ARTHUR I can promise you won't get wet. CUT TO: EXT. HUDSON RIVER - NIGHT The Hudson is bare of craft....until, suddenly, a bizarre mini submarine shaped like a dolphin, dives out of the water in an arc. Arthur and Naomi are laughing inside it - until they almost collide with a Circle Tour boat full of tourists. EXT. MANHATTAN - NIGHT Arthur and Naomi are hand in hand, walking along the street. He's a bit drunk, wobbly on his feet, a little morose. NAOMI Are you okay? ARTHUR Yeah, fine. Actually...          57. But Naomi sees something on the other side of the road. Arthur gets a a text from Hobson: `TELL her!' NAOMI Hey, Richey Rich. Want to go          somewhere really romantic? It's a big tacky shop: JACK'S 99 CENT STORE. INT. 99 CENT STORE - NIGHT `I'M TOO SEXY' BY RIGHT SAID FRED PLAYING LOUDLY ON SPEAKERS. The space is huge, garish and piled high with countless cheap household cleaners, candies, foodstuffs and toys. Arthur's         fascinated, a tourist in austerity. ARTHUR Everything is 99 cents? NAOMI Yip. A whole penny less than those bourgeois assholes at the Dollar Store. Arthur reads a doll's label. ARTHUR `Warning: This product contains chromium, which may be linked to          chronic bronchitis and reproductive hazards."                         NAOMI           That one was on the news. Everyone           else recalled them, the pussies.           Not my 99 Cent!          Arthur turns the doll over: a sticker reads `China'.                          ARTHUR           Maybe China's trying to wipe out           the west's children one by one.          He gazes around in wonder.                          NAOMI           Oh, I love this place.                          ARTHUR           Why?           58.                          NAOMI           Well, I'd like you to believe it's           because I'm a poor girl reduced to           buying `Depressed Chef' burgers-in-           a-can to Right Said Fred because I           don't know where my next paycheck           is coming from. But the truth is -           bargains get me hot. Got it from           ma. Drives my dad crazy. The tour?                          ARTHUR Yes please. She takes his arm. NAOMI Looking west, the ladies' hygiene products. Note that the more natural-sounding the name, e.g.          this 'Vermont Breeze' Feminine Spray, the more lethal chemicals it          contains. Watch out for the products cunningly labelled to make the dumber consumer think they're          getting the real thing: 'Special J', 'Crampbell's Soup', ''Aunt Janina's' Maple-Style Syrup... Arthur holds a tin with a Coffee Mate-style logo, reading `Friend of Coffee'. The store music changes to RICKY MARTIN: `LIVIN' LA VIDA LOCA' NAOMI (CONT'D)          And ah, the music: Dated sounds for lonely people to buy cheap shit to. They pass AN OLD WOMAN who is going through a stack of         identical tins of cheap beans. NAOMI (CONT'D)          I once watched a woman shoplift an           8-pack of toilet scrubbers down her panty hose to 'Everything I do, I          do it for you'. Arthur just stares at Naomi. NAOMI (CONT'D)          Why are you staring at me? ARTHUR Just fascinated. 59.                         NAOMI You're good at fascinated. ARTHUR You're good at fascinating. A CRASH. The old woman has knocked over all the beans. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Are you okay? Let me help you. He hands her a tin. OLD WOMAN Not that one. ARTHUR (offers her another) This one? OLD WOMAN (shaking the tin) No. There's less beans in it. ARTHUR This one? OLD WOMAN (sniffs the tin) No.                         ARTHUR This one? She stares and thinks. Arthur puts the tin to his ear. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          No. I think I hear a mouse inside. Arthur shakes and sniffs another tin. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Oh my G-d. This is a good one. No          rodents. Packed. He slips her a dollar and whispers to her. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Quick, before someone gets it. Naomi gazes at a different Arthur to the fool who nearly got her killed. 60.                         OLD WOMAN (TO NAOMI) You got a good one here, honey. She hurries away. ARTHUR Look. Us in a year's time. ANOTHER OLD COUPLE push a cart past. THE OLD WOMAN sneezes. The old man produces a tissue and gently wipes her nose. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          If you got ill, I'd care for you. NAOMI I'll get ill. The music changes. NAOMI (CONT'D)          Oh, man, Phil Collins. Gotta get out when they start playing Phil Collins. Want to see how to get a          quarter from a shopping cart? INT. HIGH END RESTAURANT - NIGHT Arthur, Susan and Erica - her laptop open - are at dinner. Hobson's salting Arthur's soup, then checking the temperature. ERICA Tiger Woods has confirmed! ARTHUR I didn't know you knew him. SUSAN I don't.                         ARTHUR Why is he coming? SUSAN He agreed to daddy's fee. This is          going to be the happiest day of my           life! She looks at Hobson. SUSAN (CONT'D)          Why is she here all the time? 61.                         ARTHUR If you can bring Erica, I can bring Hobson. SUSAN She's my wedding planner. ARTHUR She's my Hobson. Hobson leans into Arthur while tidying his napkin. HOBSON (WHISPERING) Tell Naomi. That's an order. INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. NIGHT Arthur's giving stunned Naomi a tour of the huge apartment. ARTHUR Reminiscent of a French castle perched 500 feet above New York, the penthouse was known from early days as the `Chateau in the Sky'. He leads her out onto a second rooftop ballroom. NAOMI A second ballroom. Obviously. Gotta have a second ballroom. ARTHUR Where George Gershwin and the Astors danced to Shep Fields and his Rippling Rhythm Orchestra. He grabs her in a ballroom dance move. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Come on, cheap girl. We can be Fred Austere and Stingy Rogers. NAOMI (PULLING AWAY) I just need one of your collection of bathrooms. ARTHUR Behind the telephone box fish tank. See you on the balcony. 62.         Arthur goes onto the balcony. Naomi's notices a figure sitting in the dark, stifling a cough. Hobson. NAOMI Hobson? HOBSON He's not like other men, you know. NAOMI I think I realised that as I          plunged into the Hudson with a           junkie. But I like him. He's fun. Hobson fights another little cough. She gets up. HOBSON I know he is. That's the problem. NAOMI What does that mean? HOBSON I'm sure Arthur will explain. EXT. BALCONY - NIGHT The live version of Simon and Garfunkel's `The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy') is playing on speakers. Arthur and Naomi look out over the view, the park, dark and empty in         contrast to the cheering and clapping on the recording. Naomi sips her wine. Arthur throws back a whisky. ARTHUR Your kids' book. What was it about? NAOMI `Vlad the Inhaler'. About an          asthmatic boy detective. ARTHUR Be serious. NAOMI Oh, it was dumb. `The Boy Whose Heart Escaped'. It was about this kid who wakes up to find his heart has climbed out and is shinning down the drainpipe to freedom. ARTHUR I love it. 63.                         NAOMI Rainbow Press said it was too disturbing. But it wasn't literal - there wasn't a kid lying there with a gaping hole in his chest. It was just this cute little heart bouncing up and down shouting `You can't catch me, mofo!'. I'm          paraphrasing. ARTHUR Did he catch the heart? NAOMI Never got that far. Arthur wobbles a little more. NAOMI (CONT'D)          You like the hooch, don't you? ARTHUR Only if I'm sad, happy or bored. There's this bit in a book Hobson used to read me as a kid that says it all: `We must stop eating cookies, Frog!' cried Toad, as he          ate another.' NAOMI Frog and Toad! I loved Frog and Toad! ARTHUR (FROM MEMORY) `Frog put the cookies in a box. `There' he said. Now we will not eat any more cookies.' `But we can open the box.' Frog tied some string around the box. `There' he          said, `Now we will not eat any more cookies'. `But we can cut the string and open the box'. Naomi lays her head on Arthur's shoulder. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          So Frog took the box outside. He          shouted in a loud voice, `Hey birds, here are cookies!' Birds came from everywhere. They picked up all the cookies in their beaks and flew away. `                         (MORE) 64.                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)           Now we have no more cookies to eat' `Excellent!' said Toad, `I am going home now to bake a cake.' (BEAT) Classic addict. They might be about to kiss. But Arthur holds back. NAOMI That was beautiful. It's like you read it yesterday. INT. ARTHUR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT - LATER Arthur's blissed out face, lying in bed in the soft light. HOBSON (OOV) Frog and Toad stayed on the island all afternoon. Hobson's reading `Frog and Toad' to Arthur. HOBSON (CONT'D)          They ate wet sandwiches without iced tea. They were two close friends sitting alone together. Hobson closes the book and turns out the light. ARTHUR I couldn't tell her, Hobson. She isn't the Komodo dragon. She's my          toad. HOBSON You're quite sure about this? ARTHUR Yes. HOBSON (under her breath) Oh, bollocks. INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. DAY Naomi's sitting with Ralph, who's scratching off lottery tickets. 65.                         RALPH I don't know, honey. What's this teabag even doing here? Couldn't he          make it in Lord of the Rings land? NAOMI Not that it matters, but he's a          billionaire. RALPH You have my full permission to          marry him. EXT. SHOWJUMPING FIELD. DAY A HORSE clears a showjumping barrier. Grant applauds. GRANT Bravo, Vivienne! Well done! Arthur's watching, sweating in the sunshine, while Marty and Hobson wait in the Bentley. ARTHUR I'd be wary, Grant. She's planning to ride you around the course next. Her last boyfriend broke his ankle jumping that ditch. Had to be          destroyed on the spot. Vivienne canters her horse up to them. VIVIENNE Arthur. What's so urgent that you had to come all the way out here? ARTHUR I'm in love. With a woman who isn't          exactly who you'd describe as           Susan. She's called Naomi. VIVIENNE Arthur, we've been through this! ARTHUR Won't you at least meet her? VIVIENNE What family is she from? ARTHUR The Snarts of Detroit. 66.                         VIVIENNE Never heard of them. ARTHUR No, because they're normal. She's a          walking tour guide, her dad's a           retired car worker. VIVIENNE Susan will generate quality sons, not oil-soaked car monkeys. ARTHUR Unbelievable! Why don't you just keep me here, pay a servant to wank me into a bottle once a day... VIVIENNE Arthur... ARTHUR ...then inject it all into a field of heiresses and see who farts out a thoroughbred first? VIVIENNE We need an heir! ARTHUR Fine! You can have one with Stevey Steroids here! Surely even your uterus has had a face lift by now. Arthur storms away towards the car. GRANT (STEPPING IN) That's enough, Arthur... ARTHUR None of your business, J Crew. GRANT You are so ungrateful to your mother. She adores you! VIVIENNE Arthur. Come back here. ARTHUR You can shove your inheritance up          your horse's arse! 67.         Arthur jumps into the car and it pulls away. Vivienne sits shocked on her horse. But then she throws it into a gallop and catches up. VIVIENNE Suit yourself, Arthur. Follow your heart. But do be aware I consider what you've squandered so far an          advance on your inheritance. That's          about $17 million. ARTHUR Why would you do that? You'd never get it back. VIVIENNE No. But you'd spend the rest of          your life in court. There's a          simple solution to all this. Marry Susan. And cheat with the nobody from Queens. INT. DINER - DAY Arthur's very drunk, maudlin, sitting opposite Naomi. He's         holding his menu upside down. NAOMI Have you been at the cookies? ARTHUR I ate the whole jar. NAOMI (realising it's serious) Oh, man. What? What? ARTHUR I'm engaged. To another Susan. Woman. Engaged to another woman. She slams her menu down. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. NAOMI What are you talking about? This is          bullshit. Who do you think you are? Is this some rich guy thing? ARTHUR I was going to tell you! I just...          68. Naomi gets up and puts on her coat. NAOMI Yeah, yeah, you just. ARTHUR Please, Naomi! I didn't mean for it          to get to this! I planned to just be your friend but then I started to fall for you and I thought `I can't marry Susan, I might fall for Naomi!' But I thought `No I have to          marry Susan or I'll be poor so I           won't fall for Naomi' But then I           did fall for you! Because you're          brainy and funny and gorgeous and too smart to do walking tours. You're too smart, Snart. Smart Snart. There's a 99 cent cereal. (BEAT) Anyway, so I went to see Vivienne, and I said `I can't marry Susan, I          love Naomi she's my Frog my Toad' I           don't know any more. NAOMI You're frog. ARTHUR Thanks. Then she said `Noooo, if          you don't marry Susan, I'll make you pay all the inheritance money back even if you can't - ha ha ha'. Okay she didn't laugh but she might as well have, the evil cow. Because it's like all the money ever and they'll put not just me but both of          us in prison and your dad, like in           Dickens. There'll be ghosts, and Oliver and....         He stops, his mouth flapping like a fish. NAOMI Maybe if I'd spotted this facet of          your personality earlier we           wouldn't be having this conversation. She heads towards the door. Arthur regains his lucidity for a         moment. ARTHUR Toad? Stay a bit longer. Please? 69.                         NAOMI Why? ARTHUR 'cause it'll reduce the proportion of my life I'll spend feeling utterly miserable. Naomi watches him take another big slug of wine. NAOMI Bye, Arthur. Arthur looks confused. ARTHUR Bea Arthur? What's she got to do          with all this? She shakes her head and goes. INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Naomi's looking very sad, shaking - because she's comforting Ralph, who is sobbing on her shoulder. NAOMI It's going to be okay. I'll get you a beer, yeah? RALPH I just have to be alone for a          minute...Oh, G-d, I can't bear it...         INT. DANE COOK CONCERT - NIGHT Arthur sits miserable, drinking, as he sits beside Susan at a         Dane Cook gig. INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. NIGHT Naomi's been crying. She's reading the screen of an ancient Apple Mac: `THE BOY WHOSE HEART ESCAPED' by N J Snart. She reads a paragraph - and smiles. This stuff isn't so bad. 70.         INT. ARTHUR'S PENTHOUSE - BALLROOM - NIGHT. Arthur and Susan are getting a dance lesson from a         CHOREOGRAPHER, clicking her fingers to a club anthem version of the awful Jefferson Starship song. Arthur dances terribly. Hobson watches sadly. INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. NIGHT Naomi's typing, getting back into it. INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY The tailor is positioning a top hat on Arthur's miserable head. He's shirtless and unshaven. INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. DAY The sun is coming up over Queens. An ancient dot matrix printer spits out a final page. Naomi is at a desk with A PILE OF FINISHED MANUSCRIPTS and envelopes to various publishers. One is to `Rainbow Press'. EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY Naomi's pointing at the Chrysler Building for a particularly grumpy bunch of tourists of all types and ages. NAOMI (YAWNS) Designed by William Van Allen and inspired by the machine age of the 1920s, the Chrysler... RUDE MALE TOURIST Hey. I got a question. NAOMI Please, interrupt. Hell, who wants to come home with me and butt in          with questions while I'm watching Letterman? `Yo. How tall is Dave?' (BEAT) Sorry, sir. Late night, no sleep, long day. What's your question? 71.         The opening bars of a familiar song start up somewhere, filling the street. Suddenly, some of the members of her tour group start lip syncing to Phil Collins. RUDE MALE TOURIST How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace? FEMALE TOURIST When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh... MALE TOURIST 2 You're the only one who really knew me at all. A van with speakers on the top is parked nearby, pumping out the music. NAOMI What is going on? OLD FEMALE TOURIST How can you just walk away from me, when all I can do is watch you leave? TEENAGE BOY TOURIST 'cause we've shared the laughter and the pain... NEWSSTAND GUY And even shared the tears. A Yellow Cab goes by, the driver lip-syncing out the window. NEWSSTAND GUY (CONT'D)          You're the only one who really knew me at all. The song hits a hard club mix. Arthur bursts from the back of         the van in a frog outfit! The `tourists' launch into a well- rehearsed dance. ARTHUR (lip syncing too) So take a look at me now, 'cause there's just an empty space. And there's nothing left here to          remind me, just the memory of your face. (MORE) 72.                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)           Take a look at me now, `cause there's just an empty space, And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face...Just take a look at me          now. The song builds to a dance crescendo. A magical moment. The crowd watches. How can she say no?                         NAOMI Sorry to be a wet blanket, folks. he's getting married. But I guess he didn't choreograph that bit for you. ARTHUR But..but this took ages to          rehearse. I had the frog outfit specially made. These aren't actual tourists. NAOMI I gathered that, Arthur. Are you capable of doing anything without it being a grand gesture? ARTHUR What do you mean? NAOMI It's like Hobson said. You're not like other men. If you were normal, if the money and the booze didn't          cloud everything, you'd deal with the fact that you're engaged, rather than just looking for ways to win me back. But it was a lovely routine, really. Fantastic outfit. ARTHUR I just wanted to see you. He takes out his flask and has a swig. NAOMI (SYMPATHETIC) You need to see someone, Arthur. Seriously. 73.         INT. ARTHUR'S PENTHOUSE. SHOWER - NIGHT Arthur's in his cuboid David Blaine shower. He picks up his binoculars. ARTHUR Hobson! Female Tom Hanks has had a          haircut! Hobson? But Marty pipes up on the little inset Hobson screen. He         looks at a note in Hobson's handwriting. MARTY It says here you shouldn't forget to clean your junk. I guess that's          what...'genitahlio-ah' is. ARTHUR Marty? What are you doing there? MARTY Hobson left me in charge. She's          gone to bed. She had a headache. ARTHUR She's had quite a few headaches lately. MARTY She blacked out. INT. HOBSON'S ROOM. DAY Hobson's in bed, watching a Discovery Channel documentary about grizzly bears. Arthur hits pause. HOBSON Put my bears back on, Arthur. ARTHUR Not until you answer my question. Hobson closes her eyes. She hams the next bit. HOBSON I'm travelling down a white tunnel. To - a garden? Mother? Father? Why is it so hot? Who's the red gentleman with the big pitchfork? ARTHUR Will you cut it out? 74.                         HOBSON Arthur. There are three books. This is important. Take them back to the library...         She feigns a melodramatic death. ARTHUR Hobson, please. Don't die any more. It's getting very boring. HOBSON Arthur. Old women, like bears, get sore heads. Are you okay? You look a little lost. ARTHUR Naomi doesn't want to see me. HOBSON A terrible shame she had to go. A          little tart like that could have saved you a fortune in prostitutes. ARTHUR Listen, old woman. Don't ever talk about Naomi that way again. What gives you the right to be such a          snob? You're just...you're just...          Mary Poppins with a menopause! Arthur storms out, slamming the door. But within 10 seconds he returns, humbled, ashamed - a regretful naughty child. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Hobson, I've never raised my voice to you. I'm sorry. HOBSON I'm sorry too. You know, Arthur, you may be growing up. ARTHUR Do you want anything? HOBSON I want to be younger. ARTHUR Sorry, it's your job to be older. (THINKS) Hobson. If you're feeling better tomorrow, will you accompany me          somewhere? 75.         She pats his hand gently. HOBSON Of course, Arthur. INT. CAR - DAY Marty and Hobson are staring, bemused. ARTHUR (O.S.) How do I look? Arthur's wearing a huge, ludicrous wig and beard. Hobson and Marty fight giggles. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          I can't have this getting out. I'm          in the public eye. HOBSON Yes, it would be disastrous to harm such a dignified profile. He looks, scared, at the building. HOBSON (CONT'D)          It's going to be okay, Arthur. INT. AA MEETING - DAY AA MEMBERS are sitting in a circle. MEGAN, a respectable- looking, smart woman, is speaking. MEGAN I was waking up four, five, six mornings a week in different mens' beds...         Arthur (in his ludicrous disguise), Hobson and Marty enter. MEGAN (CONT'D)          I wanted to die. To be nobody. INT. AA MEETING - DAY - LATER A man, JAMES, speaks emotionally. JAMES I steal from my friends, my family. I sold my son's pedal car so I          could score junk...           76. Arthur - utterly depressed - has his head in his hands. ARTHUR Jesus.... JAMES I accidentally backed my car over my mother outside Walgreens...         Marty chuckles. He tries to fist-bump James. HOBSON (WHISPERS) Marty! This isn't a sports bar in          Chicago. These people aren't here to brag. JAMES (SOBBING) I had a business, a home and it's          all gone! I'm in this fucking grave and they're pouring the earth in! ARTHUR Whoooaaahh. Okay, cut. I don't know about anyone else, but this isn't          exactly killing my thirst. LEADER Well why did you come...What's your name? ARTHUR Gandalf. Arthur thinks. Seriousness - his least favourite thing - is         upon him. He takes a deep breath. But - ARTHUR (CONT'D)          I'm sorry, you're not going to           convince me my life isn't fun. (TO JAMES) And no offence but if I ran over my          mother, I'd be out celebrating. Which is what I plan to do right now. Come on, Hobson. Marty. Arthur leaves, the door swinging behind him. WOMAN (O.S)          I'm Jane. And I believe I have a          dependence on alcohol...          The woman confessing is Hobson - on Arthur's behalf! 77.                         HOBSON ...and because I have done nothing with the astonishing opportunities handed to me, apart from pissing away my inheritance and drinking enough to kill a rhino. Arthur, having heard, comes back in. HOBSON (CONT'D)          But imagine being me! I once ended up in bed with the daughters of          three of the Rolling Stones. But a)          I don't remember a thing about it,           b) apparently I was sick on two of           the women before c) losing control           of my bladder on the third. All           such fun...until the strangers I           pay to be my friends have gone, the           fog parts and there's a hole so           big, you could pour all the           champagne in the world into it and           never fill it up. But I've got so           much potential, a good heart, I'm a           good person, even if I've           completely wasted my short,           precious life because I somehow           convinced myself that happiness is           a Komodo dragon, a case of booze           and the memory of having once           stripped naked to Beethoven for a           coachload of German tourists who I           met outside the Rainforest Cafe.          She's done. An awkward silence. ARTHUR It's always the quiet ones. EXT. MIDTOWN MANHATTAN - DAY The car drives through Manhattan. INT. CAR - DAY Arthur stares out of the window, beaten, drunk. ARTHUR Thanks, Hobson. Maybe you can go          every time I crave a drink? 78.         Hobson doesn't even crack a smile. Arthur gets out his phone and scrolls - past Naomi's name, to Susan's. He dials. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Susan? Look, I know the wedding date is set. But fancy bringing it          forward? I just want to get it over with. In a good way. Think about it, yeah? He ends the call. Silence. He looks to Hobson. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          It's the agony of possibility, Hobson. It just hurts too much to          know I could still be with Naomi if           I had the guts. HOBSON Just promise you'll never ask me to          sleep with Susan for you. EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY Naomi's riding the bus. Her phone rings. `Number withheld'. She rolls her eyes and answers. NAOMI Arthur, if that's... (BEAT) Hello? Yes. Yes, I did...Yes. Sorry? Really? Well I worked pretty hard on it..Love to...Love to...What time? Incredibly excited, she grabs a pen and writes on a walking tours brochure: `JULIAN BARBER...RAINBOW PRESS...' NAOMI (CONT'D)          I'll call in dead to work. Bye. She writes `TUESDAY 11.30' and an address. INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT - DAY There's a ring at the doorbell. Ralph answers. It's Hobson. HOBSON Good afternoon, Mr Snart. Is Naomi here? 79.                         RALPH You must be the nanny. HOBSON I must be. Ralph embraces her. HOBSON (CONT'D)          Please stop this, I can't inhale and am in danger of treading on one of your knuckles. Ralph releases her. HOBSON (CONT'D)          If you and your undershirt would walk two paces back I could enter this dwelling. Naomi appears, looking more of a writer than a tour guide. NAOMI Well, well. RALPH Ever since I met Arthur I liked him. We have to make sure these two wonderful kids stay together... HOBSON Try not to talk. It's not your words but the breath which bears them. Perhaps you could repair to          the East Wing and make me a cup of           tea? I wish to speak to Naomi. RALPH Sure, sure. Ralph leaves. HOBSON Arthur is having a pre-wedding party tonight. You should come. NAOMI Oh, should I? Are all the other girls he passed up going too? Hobson picks up a letter from Rainbow Press and peruses it. 80.                         HOBSON Don't you want to show Arthur how well you're doing? NAOMI Tell him thanks, but I have a          deadline. HOBSON Arthur doesn't know I'm here. He's          far too decent to be involved in           something so tawdry. You could bring your father. A magical experience before he's too big to          leave this apartment. NAOMI (DISBELIEF) Why would I go to this? Why would I          do that to myself? HOBSON My dear, if there's one thing old women can tell, it's young men in          love. And the food promises to be          breathtakingly free. Hobson has a slight dizzy spell and sits down. NAOMI Are you alright? HOBSON Better than you, dear. NAOMI You really look out for Arthur, don't you? HOBSON Yes. And it is a job that I          recommend highly. Ralph comes back and with a cup of disgusting-looking tea. HOBSON (CONT'D)          You really look out for this gentleman, from what I've heard. NAOMI Ah, what am I gonna do? The no-kill pet shelter won't take him. Ralph hands Hobson the cup of tea. 81.                         HOBSON Thank you. Would you go the bathroom and commence washing? You only have three hours and it could be quite a project. Ralph goes. Naomi takes the tea. NAOMI I appreciate what you're trying to          do but I'm not going to that party. HOBSON Suit yourself. Hobson gets up, still dizzy. NAOMI Have you seen a doctor? HOBSON Yes. And he has seen me. NAOMI I think Arthur has a very good friend. May I kiss you on the cheek? HOBSON Is it something you feel strongly about? NAOMI Yes. But Hobson falls back into her chair heavily, looking sicker. NAOMI (CONT'D)          Dad! Call 911. EXT. JOHNSON MANSION. NIGHT HORDES OF SMARTLY-DRESSED RICH PEOPLE are gathering on Burt Johnson's mansion for the society night of the year. A high- level security presence is much in evidence. INT. JOHNSON MANSION. BALLROOM - NIGHT A LIVE BAND plays a cheesy soft-rock version of `Addicted to         Love'. ARISTOCRATS mingle with CRASS NEW MONEY TYPES mingle with TIGER WOODS. The band finishes the song. 82.                         VOCALIST Thanks. We're going to move things up tempo now with `The Only Thing That Looks Good On Me Is You.' The band start playing again. Partygoers hit the dance floor. Vivienne, Susan, Burt and Erica pass a huge ice statue of         Susan and Arthur in a loving embrace and amazing catering. VIVIENNE Splendid affair, Susan. SUSAN Don't thank me, thank Erica. Erica shrugs modestly. Arthur appears. Burt puts a big burly arm around him and squeezes him a little too hard. EXT. JOHNSON MANSION. NIGHT Naomi climbs out of a crappy cab. She's on her phone. NAOMI With all due respect, Hobson, you're talking out of your frumpy English ass. Arthur needs to know! INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Hobson's in bed looking ill. Ralph's fussing over her pillow. Hobson slaps him away. HOBSON You are not to pull him out of that party on my behalf. (BEAT) Hello? Naomi! But Naomi's gone. Ralph tries to plump the pillow again. RALPH You're gonna get through this, babe. Then who knows what the future may hold? EXT. PARTY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Naomi hurries past A DOOR MAN with a clipboard. DOOR MAN Excuse me, madam. Name? Madam? 83.         Naomi grabs the arm of A MALE GUEST. NAOMI Snart plus one. She hurries in with the bemused, but delighted man. The DOOR MAN checks his clipboard. INT. JOHNSON MANSION. NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Naomi enters the party, releasing the man, who's disappointed to see her go. She looks around for Arthur, getting admiring looks from other men - and women. PASSING WOMAN Nice dress. Vera Wang? NAOMI Ross Dress For Less. You know where Arthur is? PASSING WOMAN (SHRUGS) Sorry. Naomi moves on. The Door Man appears, looking around for the gatecrasher. The man whose arm she took on the way in - he's         called JUSTIN - is also on the prowl for her...          INT. JOHNSON MANSION. BALLROOM - NIGHT Burt takes to the stage to applause. BURT When Arthur proposed to my          daughter, I was overjoyous. The Bach-Templemeads are my kind of          people: classy. Respectable. Well spoken. People like in Shakespeare in Love, who esprouse the same values I have always upheld both in          my business and spiritual life. But tonight isn't about me or America's          leading independent formula brand. Arthur takes the stage to wild applause. ARTHUR Thank you, Burt! I've actually prepared a little surprise song with my friends here. 84.         The band starts playing `Close To You' by the Carpenters. Arthur sings to Susan, down in the crowd. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Why does cash suddenly appear, every time you are near? The audience laugh. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Just like me, it longs to be, close to Sue. Why do cars fall out of the sky, all of which, I can buy... (STOPS) I'll sing a proper song. (SINGS) You say potayto and I say potahto, You say tomayto and I say tomahto, potayto, potahto, tomayto, tomahto, Let's call the whole thing off! You say AA, and I say `no way', you say `Red Bull' and I say `Go away, Rehab, No way, Red Bull...         INT. JOHNSON MANSION - ANOTHER LARGE ROOM JUSTIN approaches Naomi, who's still looking around for Arthur. JUSTIN We meet again! NAOMI Yeah. Have you seen Arthur? JUSTIN The ballroom. I'll take you to him. Justin takes Naomi's arm and leads her at a leisurely pace. They pass a portrait of Susan. JUSTIN (CONT'D)          I'm so happy for Arthur and Susan. Justin points at a portrait of Susan. JUSTIN (CONT'D)          Isn't she beautiful? NAOMI Of course she is. Why would Arthur marry a pig? 85.         The Door Man appears, seeing Naomi. JUSTIN What business is your family in? NAOMI Hm? Oh, I'm the heiress to a          fortune built on small pets. JUSTIN I'm sorry? NAOMI Hamsters, mice, doglets... JUSTIN Doglets? NAOMI Tiny dogs. The technology's not perfect. Seeing a horse the size of          a can of soup fall dead before your eyes - that shit stays with you. They walk through a door, ending up in a garden. EXT. GARDEN - NIGHT NAOMI Are you sure he's this way? JUSTIN Absolutely. Naomi turns to A WOMAN. NAOMI (to a WOMAN) Excuse me. Have you seen Arthur? WOMAN That way. The ballroom. NAOMI Bye, Justin. Naomi hurries away - running straight into the Door Man. DOOR MAN Excuse me, madam. You're not an          authorized guest. 86.                         NAOMI I know that. I'm here to give Arthur some very important news. DOOR MAN Of course you are. (takes her arm) Shall we discuss this outside? NAOMI (SHOUTS) Get your hands off me! They tussle. Arthur intercedes. ARTHUR It's okay, Jeff. She can stay. NAOMI Arthur, can I talk to you? INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT - LATER A MAN IN A WHITE COAT is on the phone beside Hobson's bed. MAN IN A WHITE COAT We ran tests. It was just a dizzy spell. We'll be sending her home tonight. ARTHUR But what about the other blackouts? Hobson snatches the phone from the Man in a White Coat. HOBSON Arthur, I'm fine. Do not leave that party. INT. JOHNSON MANSION - DRAWING ROOM - DAY Arthur's on the phone, coat on, in a big empty panelled room. HOBSON (O.S, OFF) Especially now that Naomi is there. The call ends. Arthur looks across at Naomi, at the other end of the room, looking so beautiful. ARTHUR She's fine. They're sending her home. Do you want a drink? 87.                         NAOMI No, thanks, Arthur. I should go. ARTHUR But you came all this way. There's          ridiculously fancy food, there's... NAOMI Arthur. Please. Can you just call me a cab? ARTHUR You're a cab. No laughter this time. It's not funny. He takes out his iPhone again. Stares at it. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Shit. Hobson usually... NAOMI Orders cabs to take the girls away? Arthur's busted. He scrolls the phone for a cab number. ARTHUR Thank you for coming all this way. I'm sorry for all the stupid presents and calls and gestures. NAOMI It's okay. Naomi looks up at a portrait of Burt and young, prissy, but beautiful Susan. NAOMI (CONT'D)          She was a looker from the get-go. ARTHUR What were you like as a kid? NAOMI Nuts. I thought the moon followed me. I would walk and think the moon went any place that I did. I          thought it meant something special would happen. So I've been waiting. What an ass. Arthur sees a sound system. He goes over and plugs his iPhone into it, then takes Naomi in his arms. 88.                         ARTHUR Dance? NAOMI Arthur. We've been through this. Call that cab please. Arthur looks down into her eyes and hits `PLAY' on his iPhone. Music starts: it's not a slow, smoochy song but big, brassy and upbeat. MUSIC: `NELLIE THE ELEPHANT' BY MANDY MILLER Arthur ballroom dances Naomi at speed around the room. MANDY MILLER To Bombay, a travelling circus came, they brought an intelligent elephant and Nellie was her name... NAOMI (LAUGHING) What the bejeezus is this? ARTHUR Hobson used to sing it to me. (SINGING ALONG) One dark night, she slipped her iron chain. Off she ran to          Hindustan and was never seen again. Nellie the Elephant packed her bags, And said goodbye to the circus, Off she went with a          trumpety trump, Trump trump trump...         It's energetic, wonderful, as romantic as any slow dance. They stop dancing. Arthur stares at Naomi. At last, they kiss. But the music stops. It's Vivienne. VIVIENNE Is this the tour guide? ARTHUR She's a writer. NAOMI Is this the Vivienne? VIVIENNE Crowded field, writing. 89.                         ARTHUR Maybe someone will see her potential. VIVIENNE We all know who's seen her potential. NAOMI Meaning? VIVIENNE Oh, of course, you don't know, do          you? Arthur suddenly goes pale. ARTHUR Vivienne, please. Don't... NAOMI What is going on here? VIVIENNE My son became fond of you. You're          not the first. Or the last, I          imagine. Anyway I was scanning his monthly expenses - which always makes for entertaining reading, all those gifts for all those girls - and found he'd bought an entire publishing company called...what was it now? Rainbow Press. NAOMI You bought Rainbow press? So you could tell them to publish my book? VIVIENNE He knows people, dear. I'm sure you do too, though the people you know tend not to own books, let alone publishers. Arthur, I trust we'll          see you back at the party? Susan's          a little worried. Vivienne leaves. Naomi storms away. Arthur chases. ARTHUR NAOMI! PLEASE! I didn't think I          would ever see you again. I was just trying to give you some...          90. NAOMI (GASPS) Confidence? Self esteem isn't a          gift, Arthur! It isn't a fur coat or a thousand billion orchids or an          apartment made from truffles or           whatever else you rich freaks use to express love! Arthur looks incredibly hurt. ARTHUR I do express love! I love you! NAOMI Don't say that! ARTHUR You just told me to! And stop going on about me being rich! You think it's easy being trapped by money? Naomi gets her old phone out. She speaks into it. NAOMI Hello, Amnesty? Come quick! Arthur's being held against his will in Guantamoney Bay! ARTHUR Abu Greed? NAOMI Stop riffing with me! How dare you do what you did. I didn't need your money to feel good about myself! ARTHUR No. Being cheap gives you that. NAOMI Huh? ARTHUR At least I'm prepared to have fun. To live. I'm not all `Oooh look at          me with my antique food, aren't I           cool?' And...and...your phone's           RUBBISH! It's made of bits of old doorbell and vibrator, I bet you can only get calls from 1994 on it! 91.                         NAOMI (BOILS OVER) As long as I don't get any from a          drunk, rich fuck up like you! A door opens. SUSAN Hello? I heard shouting. NAOMI I'm an employee of Arthur's. I came to complain about the conditions. ARTHUR Naomi, please... NAOMI Mr Bach-Templemead, I know you thought putting half and half in          the staff kitchen was an           improvement. (REALLY ANGRY) But some people prefer Coffee Mate! You were disrespectful. I quit! Naomi walks away, slamming a door behind her. SUSAN Because you changed the creamer? (BEAT) Arthur, Marty called from the hospital. ARTHUR It's okay, Hobson's fine. I spoke to her doctor. SUSAN Apparently you didn't.         INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT Hobson is lying in bed, looking even iller than before. HOBSON It's just a headache! ARTHUR Stop saying that! You bribed a          hospital orderly to tell me you were okay! 92.                         HOBSON Oh, bothersnaps. What do doctors know? The door opens. Marty enters with a shopping cart. ARTHUR Da dahhhh! I give you the amazing costly, health-giving presents! Arthur starts to produce gifts for Hobson: jewellery, expensive bath products, perfumes, clothes, a DVD... ARTHUR (CONT'D)          'Wake up and Smell the Carcass'.. (reads the DVD) `A compilation of the band's most stomach-churning music videos and deathly live performances...' He produces a DARTH VADER HELMET. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Put this on, please. HOBSON I don't want to put it on. ARTHUR Put it on. Or I'll fire you. (PAUSE) Okay, or I won't fire you. She dons the full face helmet. HOBSON (VADER VOICE) How much did you waste on this poppycock? Arthur and Marty laugh. HOBSON (CONT'D)                         (VADER VOICE) I see you've decided not to grow up          after all. MARTY She sounds like Darth Invader! Finally, Arthur unwraps a very high-end DVD player and TV. HOBSON Why, Arthur? 93.         INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT The room is dark. Arthur, Hobson and Marty are all on the bed, bathed in blue light from the huge new TV. VOICEOVER (O.S.) Stargazer, known for her distinctive white mottled back...         It's a documentary about grizzly bears. VOICEOVER (CONT'D)          ...is determined to catch the salmon, despite the treacherous rapids...         A DOCTOR enters. DOCTOR Mr Bach-Templemead? Do you have a          moment? INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - NIGHT Arthur's looking delighted. But the doctor is grave. ARTHUR Home? That's great news. Isn't it? INT/EXT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. HOBSON'S ROOM - NIGHT We see a short montage of Arthur, now sober, taking care of         Hobson with Marty's help: Reading to her...Watching another bear documentary...Arthur doing silly yoga for Hobson...         INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. HOBSON'S ROOM - NIGHT Arthur is quietly cleaning Hobson's room. He stumbles on a         document. It reads: `THE BOY WHOSE HEART ESCAPED' BY N J         SNART. FINAL MANUSCRIPT.' He opens it. ARTHUR How did this get here? HOBSON I have no idea. ARTHUR You might have a brain tumour but you're not a complete veggie burger just yet. Has Naomi been here? 94.                         HOBSON She dropped by once or twice. Frightful needy trollop. ARTHUR I thought she gave up writing. Arthur's reading the manuscript, bearing Hobson's notations: `Shorten', `Wonderful - do NOT cut!', `Beautiful. I cried'. HOBSON Just trying to spare her outright humiliation while I'm still here. ARTHUR Don't wear yourself out. You're not going anywhere soon. He taps the top of a state-of-the-art heart monitor. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          World's most advanced heart rate monitor. The tiniest problem will alert your own private platoon of          paramedics camped out downstairs...          Hobson takes Arthur's hand. HOBSON Arthur. I've loved caring for you so much. But you'll never grow up          with me around. So either I retire. Or I die. Option 1 involves too much paperwork and blather with having to find somewhere else to          live. And no offence to you, dear boy... She glances at a MASSIVE PILE OF BEAR DOCUMENTARY DVDs beside THE WORLD'S BIGGEST TEDDY BEAR. HOBSON (CONT'D)          ...but I think we've exhausted the bear-based entertainment. Which leaves option 2. Arthur can't fight the tears any more. HOBSON (CONT'D)          You're a good son, Arthur. You can do anything with your life that you want. Just like I did. 95.                         ARTHUR But you spent half of it looking after a spoilt drunk twat. HOBSON Exactly. Sorry Arthur. I'm past my          use-by date. ARTHUR Sorry, Hobson, You don't win this one. I need you to care for me. (holds up a pill) Now take your fish oil. INT. HOBSON'S ROOM - NIGHT Arthur, in a chair at the end of the bed, wakes with a start from a dream. He looks across to Hobson, who is very still. ARTHUR Hobson? The expensive monitor is dead. He jumps up. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          HOBSON! (hammering the machine) Why the fuck has the stupid thing not gone off? (SHOUTS) GET UP HERE! SHE'S NOT...         He sees that the monitor is unplugged. The cord is in         Hobson's hand. It's over. Hobson's dead. Arthur sobs his heart out. INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY It's a few weeks later. The place is very, very messy. The place also seems to be heavily splattered with all colors of         paint. SPLOTCH! A big lump of red paint thuds into Hobson's giant teddy bear, which is already heavily spattered. Arthur's sitting naked, apart from a helmet, in his tiny army paintball tank. He's in a blank, drunken daze, firing paint at the teddy. The tank turret rotates. He shoots walls, possessions, furniture. He stops. 96.                         ARTHUR Would Frog ever get up again? Or          would he just sit in his tank, crying and soiling himself until he          died of dehydration because he           didn't even have the energy to eat a wet sandwich. He looks down at an ashes urn. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Hobson! Why are you in there when I          need you? (lifts lid off urn) HOBSON! He's rewarded with a face full of ashes. Angrily he spins the turret through 360 degrees, firing paint. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Arrrrgghhh! Marty comes in - and is hit hard by paint. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Sorry. MARTY How's the tea? ARTHUR Shockingly bad, thanks, Marty. MARTY Want to talk about the Cubs game? ARTHUR Nahhh. Can I be alone please? Marty goes. Arthur picks up his phone and scrolls down to         Naomi's name. He thinks for a moment, hits `call'. INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. DAY - CONTINUOUS Naomi is shopping. She looks at the phone, sees Arthur's         name. She so wants to answer. But doesn't.         INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY - CONTINUOUS Arthur stands on the balcony. He peers down at Manhattan far, far below. 97.         INT. PIERRE HOTEL - HOTEL BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS A COUPLE are having sex. A BODY falls past the window. INT. PIERRE HOTEL - RESTAURANT - DAY - CONTINUOUS The body falls past a window. A huge crash from off. EXT. PIERRE HOTEL - DAY - CONTINUOUS PASSERSBY are staring in horror at a yellow cab, its roof caved in, the DRIVER shaking in shock. Tilt up to find Hobson's HUGE teddy BEAR lying on the roof. EXT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT. BALCONY - DAY Arthur's on his phone again. ARTHUR (leaving a message) Naomi? I doubt you'll ever get this, because your voicemail probably consists of a 4000 year old woman who writes the message down in hieroglyphics then loses it          down the back of her incontinence loin cloth. Hobson died. Hobson died and I've fallen apart...         The doorbell rings from off. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Marty! Can you get that? Marty! (INTO PHONE) Naomi? Could you get it? Hello? He throws the cellphone off the roof. A couple of seconds pass. We hear a very faint howl of pain from whoever it hit. INT. CORRIDOR - DAY Arthur opens the door. It's Vivienne. VIVIENNE Arthur! You haven't answered the phone for eight days. Susan's          beside herself. What's going on? 98.                         ARTHUR What do you think's going on? Hobson died. VIVIENNE Oh, that. She bustles in past Arthur. A PLATOON OF MAIDS follows. VIVIENNE (CONT'D)                         (TO MAIDS) Chop chop! You cleany penthouseio! Come on, Arthur. Have to pick yourself up, lad. It's like when Nixon my Great Dane had to be put down. Frightful state for days. But I pulled myself together. ARTHUR You're comparing Hobson to...a dog? VIVIENNE Well, yes. A faithful, humble companion who... ARTHUR Um, I think I'd like you to leave, if that's okay. Now? VIVIENNE Remember who pays for this apartment, Arthur. For everything! He guides her out the door. VIVIENNE (CONT'D)          You had damn well better be at that wedding, boy. ARTHUR Don't worry. If I'm going to drink myself to death I'll need resources. Bye Vivienne... VIVIENNE It's mother! ARTHUR My mother's dead. He slams the door. The phone rings again. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Hello? I'm sorry? 99.         INT. ATTORNEY'S OFFICE - DAY Arthur is sitting in an estate attorney's next to MR FINKE, a small, dirty man. ATTORNEY MARGARET AHERNE is at a desk opposite them, reading from a will. AHERNE The last will and testament of Jane Hobson. (READS) `I leave my life savings to the Tulare Bear Sanctuary, Tulare County, California.' Aherne hands Mr Finke A CHECK for $8,864. ARTHUR That'll explain the strong smell of          bear shit. Sorry. Aherne opens a tiny envelope. AHERNE To Arthur Bach Templemead, I leave this. She produces a teabag. AHERNE (CONT'D)          To operate kettle, press red button. Milk in refrigerator; that's the big box with the pretty light that comes on when you open the door. (PAUSE) Arthur. You're going to be okay. Now it's your turn to look after someone. All my deepest, fondest love, my dearest boy. I'm smiling down at you - or more likely, up at          you - forever and ever, H xxxxxxxx. INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT - DAY Close up on the KETTLE, steam issuing forth from the spout. Then a MUG with the teabag in it. The kettle boils. A hand pours hot water into the mug. Milk is added. And a drop of         vodka. EXT. CHURCH - DAY Burt and Vivienne are standing outside, greeting GUESTS. 100.                         BURT I just want you to know, if he          doesn't show up for this wedding, I           can't know what I'll do. VIVIENNE Don't worry, Burt. He's cleaned himself up. He's stopped drinking, he's anxious to get a real job. He's become a responsible citizen. EXT. FIFTH AVENUE - DAY Arthur is stalking - drunk but determined - through the crowds. He comes upon a group of tourists standing by a tour bus. Naomi's now wearing a headset mic, pointing south. NAOMI Due to a tragic error in the architect's drawing, the original Statue of Liberty unveiled in 1886 was just seven inches tall. 100,000          New Yorkers rioted, having come expecting to see something more impressive than a garden gnome holding up an ice cream... ARTHUR Naomi! Arthur pushes his way through the tourists. He sees her bus and headset. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          You're on a bus? With a microphone? NAOMI Girl's gotta have a dream. ARTHUR Naomi. Can you take the next 60 years off? NAOMI Are you okay? You're a mess. You look like you...now. ARTHUR Sorry. I accidentally swallowed three bottles of hand sanitizer. Fascinating story...Okay. (MORE) 101.                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)           Drinking was the only way I could get the courage to come here and say this: I don't need the money. I          love the money. But I don't lie awake all night wondering how I'll          live without ever seeing it again. I just wonder what it's like to go          24 hours without a steak tartare. Naomi looks unconvinced. Arthur pulls out his wallet and takes out a load of credit cards. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          The American Express Centurion card - you have to spend at least $250,000 a year to keep it, which I          blow in a quiet week. He drops it down a drain. He produces another card. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Sotheby's `World Elite' Mastercard for art collectors. Drops it down drain too. The tourists are enjoying this. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          And King of all idiotic reckless- SPEND-THE-FUCK-OUT-OF-EVERYTHING- FOR-TOMORROW-WE-DIE PLASTIC insanity: the Visa Black Card. This last one he hands to a PASSING HOMELESS MAN. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          PIN 3487. Daily ATM limit $180,000. The man runs into the road. As Arthur talks, out of focus we         see the man hit by a car, but get up and keep going. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          (producing fancy iPhone) The world's only platinum iPhone. With police radio app. He tosses it over his shoulder. It lands in the beef juice pan of a Street French Dip stall. A BIGGER CROWD is         gathering. Arthur takes off his jacket. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Alexander Amosu. Vicuna wool, shorn once every three years from the South American camelid - $50,000. 102.         He throws the jacket in a passing cab's window. He takes off his pants. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Westmancott trousers, ten months to           design, fit and make. $21,000.         He hands the trousers to a PASSERBY. Off with his watch! ARTHUR (CONT'D)                         (SHOUTS) Who wants the watch Neil Armstrong wore to step on the sun! Arthur flings it in the air. A crazed fight breaks out. Arthur stands before Naomi in just his underpants and socks. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          These are from The Gap. NAOMI I'm so sorry about Hobson. They step away from the tourists. ARTHUR I'm sorry about the Rainbow Press. NAOMI It's okay. So how did Susan take it          that you're not marrying her? ARTHUR She didn't.                         NAOMI You haven't told her? ARTHUR What's it to you? She's your arch- enemy. NAOMI Are you six? She isn't my enemy. She's the woman you proposed to! ARTHUR I couldn't tell her! Today's the biggest day of her life! NAOMI The wedding's today? When? 103.                         ARTHUR 12. Which is... (looks at his wrist) Where's my watch gone? NAOMI (looks at her watch) It's eight minutes to. ARTHUR It's too late, then. Naomi hands Arthur her phone. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          I don't know her number! It's in my          phone's address book in that gloop. NAOMI Church? ARTHUR St. John the Divine. Can we please just get me some clothes... NAOMI St John..Fourth largest church in          the world...111th and Amsterdam. It's about four miles. Better hurry. ARTHUR You want me to go there? Like this? NAOMI What's the alternative? Jilt Susan at the altar? Can I expect the same treatment when you dump me? ARTHUR No! I love you! Naomi starts herding her tourists onto her bus. NAOMI C'mon, folks... ARTHUR Naomi! Susan's dad will...          104. NAOMI Arthur. Prove you're not the same pampered little boy who can have what he wants then toss it aside when he's bored. Then we'll talk. She sits in the driving seat and belts up. ARTHUR Naomi! I don't even know the way! NAOMI 5th...right on Broadway...left at          Times...Right on 7th...back on           Broadway....right on Amsterdam. The church is the big stone pointy thing full of rich people. The bus door shuts. Naomi drives away. ARTHUR SHIT! TAXI! A taxi stops. Arthur feels for his pockets. Ah shit. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Um, can anyone spare... (to the DRIVER) How much to St. John the Divine please? DRIVER About 15 bucks... ARTHUR (to the crowd) Can anyone spare $15 please? DRIVER What about tip? You cheapskate? ARTHUR 30?         The crowd just stare back. The taxi drives away. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Stop! STOP! Arthur looks at a STREET CLOCK: 11:53. Arthur starts running in his underwear. 105.         INT. CHURCH - DAY - CONTINUOUS GUESTS are taking their pews. EXT. FIFTH AVENUE - DAY - CONTINUOUS Arthur runs along Fifth. INT. CHURCH - DAY - CONTINUOUS Susan is being fussed over by BRIDESMAIDS. EXT. BROADWAY - DAY Arthur runs up Broadway, passing a Watch and Clock store. Every timepiece reads 11:54. INT. CHURCH - DAY - CONTINUOUS Burt, sitting in a pew, looks at his watch. He looks around for Arthur then scowls very scarily. EXT. TIMES SQUARE - DAY Arthur stops, out of breath. He sees A LINE OF STREET ENTERTAINERS. That gives him an idea. ARTHUR (SHOUTS) Gather round for the nearly naked Yoga man - YOGI BARE! I give you...         Arthur strikes a sequence of silly poses and names. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          `Chicken forgetting birthday'...          TOURISTS throw money. Arthur grabs it up. He looks up at the Times Square digital clock: 11:56. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          TAXI! A taxi stops. Arthur throws the money to THE DRIVER. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          How far can I go with $1.95 and a           Japanese coin with a hole in it? 106.                         DRIVER A block and a half. ARTHUR GO! Arthur jumps in. The cab screeches away. EXT. SEVENTH AVENUE - DAY The cab halts. Arthur jumps out and starts running again. He         sees A BUS with `COLUMBUS CIRCLE' in its window. We cut to people cheering Arthur, hanging on the bus's front bicycle rack. But the DRIVER sees him and hits the brakes. Arthur's flung forwards but gets up and keeps running. He sees a Subway Station. ARTHUR (TO PASSERBY) Excuse me, are there trains down there, like in films? PASSERBY Yes. Arthur runs down the steps. INT. SUBWAY - DAY A train pulls on to the platform. Arthur leaps aboard. INT. TRAIN - DAY Arthur stands among New Yorkers, none of whom bat an eyelid at his appearance. He looks up at the stations. ARTHUR (to A MALE PASSENGER) Excuse me. Terribly sorry to bother you, but...         Without looking at him, the guy hands him a dollar. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Crikey. Thanks. 107.         INT. CHURCH. SACRISTY - DAY - CONTINUOUS Susan is ready. She looks to the door. Erica, who is peering out, shakes her head with an `I told you so' look. INT. NAOMI'S TOUR BUS - DAY Naomi's driving her bus up 42nd Street. NAOMI (into a headset mic) ...originally a rough neighbourhood. Some say it was called 42nd Street because it          wasn't safe to spend more than forty seconds on it. A few grudging laughs from the tourists. MALE TOURIST Excuse me. NAOMI If you burst into song, you're off this bus. MALE TOURIST Huh? I want to see St. John the Divine. NAOMI Sorry, sir, that's not on our route today. Anyway... FEMALE TOURIST I want to know if Arthur's gonna make it. OTHER FEMALE TOURIST (CONT'D)          You should be there for him. Other tourists agree. MALE TOURIST (WAVES LEAFLET) It says here `ask about your personalised tours'. I want the personalised tour. To St. John the Divine! ALL OTHER TOURISTS So do I! St. John the Divine, St. John the Divine, St. John the...          108. NAOMI Okay! EXT. STREET. DAY Arthur comes bounding out of another station. Clutching his dollar, he sees a bus. He runs aboard, and up to the driver. ARTHUR Ah! I'm trying to get to...         Arthur feels eyes on him. The bus is full of SCHOOL CHILDREN! It's a school bus! They all stare for a beat, then get out cellphones to report the weirdo in their midst, who runs off again and up Broadway, passing a store's line of shopping carts. He starts emptying them of quarters. MANAGER Hey! A police car rounds the corner. POLICEMAN (INTO MIC) Uh, unit 6J, we have reports of an          indecent exposure on a school bus. Arthur jumps in a shopping cart; as the truck passes, he         launches forward, grabbing the rear fender! INT. CHURCH - DAY Burt gets up, squeezing past TIGER WOODS. EXT. CHURCH - DAY Arthur's cab pulls up outside the church, surrounded by         ONLOOKERS AND PAPARAZZI. Arthur leaps out and fights his way through the crowd. People start to recognise the crazed, sweating panting weirdo in underwear. Paparazzi and pedestrians photograph and film him. He runs into the church. INT. CHURCH - DAY - CONTINUOUS The church is packed with THE GREAT, GOOD, RICH AND FAMOUS. Vivienne sits waiting. Arthur stumbles in at the back. 109.         INT. CHURCH - DAY Arthur's trying to inch along the back. But the congregation falls silent, watching him. He stumbles up the aisle, looking up to Jesus, in similar scantily-clad appearance, on a cross. ARTHUR I'm not him. (shows his wrists) Look ma! No holes. Arthur slips in a side door. INT. SACRISTY - DAY Susan is sitting, sad, Bridesmaids comforting her. ARTHUR (O.S.) Susan? Susan turns and is shocked to see Arthur. SUSAN Arthur? What's going on? ARTHUR Susan. I can't...I can't...         He leads her away from the bridesmaids. SUSAN What? ARTHUR The girl at the party? The one who talked all that rubbish about Coffee Mate? I love her. Susan slaps Arthur. Hard. SUSAN Shut up! We're getting married! ARTHUR But I don't love you! SUSAN And you think I love you? ARTHUR Well, yes. What's not to...          110. SUSAN I never have. ARTHUR Susan, you're upset, you hate me. It's okay. Now I'm sorry, I have to          go, or your dad's going to do           whatever he did to your boyfriend from college. SUSAN Daddy never hurt Alex. He paid her parents to send her away.. ARTHUR HER? You're..a... SUSAN Lesbian. Yes. You may have noticed that daddy is homophobic. He swore he'd disown me if it happened again. ARTHUR But...why do you want to marry...         Arthur glances across, sees Erica skulking. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Hang on. Am I your beard? SUSAN Why else do you think I'd spend more than 30 seconds in your company? You're the perfect cover. ARTHUR (REELING) Have you been pretending to like Dane Cook as well? SUSAN No.                         ARTHUR Wow. Wow. Well. Uh... (heads to the door) Thanks for your honesty. I don't          feel so bad about calling this off. Erica steps in his way. 111.                         SUSAN Arthur, please. You can drink as          much as you like, sneak off to           Naomi. We keep the money. We live our lives. Everyone wins. ARTHUR I may be a weak, pathetic drunk. But I won't marry a lesbian Dane Cook fan. Arthur pushes past Erica. INT. CHURCH. ALTAR - NIGHT Arthur stumbles out on the altar. The CONGREGATION stares. He         taps a mic from the pulpit like a stand up. ARTHUR Good evening, St. John the Divine! Anyone in from St. Patrick's?          Bialystoker Synagogue? Manhattan Mosque? AA? EXT. CHURCH - DAY Naomi's tour bus screeches up. She hurries out. SINT. CHURCH - DAY Arthur's still before the congregation, telling a story. ARTHUR ...and the first turned to the second horse and said `That dog just spoke'. The hateful silence that only 500 angry rich people can muster. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          The joke being that it's           inconsistent that the horses can speak but the dog can't.         Naomi creeps in at the back. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          The wedding's off. The bride has had second thoughts. I can't say I          blame her. Would you marry me? (MORE) 112.                         ARTHUR (CONT'D)                          (PAUSE) You won't be seeing me again, as          I'm going to be poor. I'll be          shopping at the 99 Cent Store. Six pork chops for under a dollar! TIGER WOODS discreetly scribbles `99c Store, chops' on a torn- out Bible page. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Great. I'm glad we had this talk. I'll let you get on with the wedding....         A huge crucifix strikes Arthur hard. Burt, crazed with hatred, drags him by his hair off the altar. INT. CHURCH. SACRISTY. DAY - CONTINUOUS Burt is bashing Arthur's head HARD against a stone font. SUSAN Daddy, no! Stop it! Vivienne bursts in. Followed by Naomi. VIVIENNE Burt! Get off my son! But nothing's going to stop Burt. SUSAN (louder than anyone yet) DADDY!!! Susan is over Burt, brandishing a Virgin Mary statue. BURT You wouldn't hurt me. SUSAN Wouldn't I? You crushed me. BURT I just wanted you to be happy. SUSAN Bullshit. You wanted to stop me          being a lesbian! BURT Shut up! Shut up you dirty little dyke harlot! 113.         Erica leaps on Burt, pummelling his face with her fists. ERICA You want some more, bitch? Huh? Arthur looks up at Susan. SUSAN Erica, that's enough, honey. Erica stops. Susan kisses her. ARTHUR Why didn't you tell me? We could have worked something out. Naomi give Arthur a look. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          I'm joking. INT. CHURCH - LATER The church is empty, apart from Arthur and Naomi on the altar. Naomi's trying to remove something from Arthur's neck. Vivienne is sitting alone in a pew near the back. ARTHUR OW! Stop it! Why are you doing that? NAOMI Because I hate an infection! Keep still. ARTHUR No, you keep still. He kisses Naomi passionately. NAOMI What are we going to do, Arthur? ARTHUR I'll get a job. I'll model cheap riding boots for people with no          horses. You can write books about boys whose lungs have run away. VIVIENNE Stop this! Vivienne walks up to the altar. 114.                         VIVIENNE (CONT'D)           A Bach-Templemead has never been poor and we're not about to try that experiment with you, Arthur. That said, you've shown strength of          character for once, instead of           blubbing on about frogs and friendship. The inheritance is          yours. All I ask is, with Hobson gone, you finally start treating me          like a mother. ARTHUR Sorry, Vivienne. I can't do that. VIVIENNE I beg your pardon? ARTHUR You've never earned that title. I          wouldn't fake it with Susan. I          won't with you. VIVIENNE Arthur. I will withdraw this offer forever. Don't doubt me, boy. ARTHUR I don't.         Arthur shakes Vivienne's hand. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          Take care, Viv. Arthur takes Naomi by the hand and they leave the church. VIVIENNE Arthur! Arthur! I am serious! If          you walk out of that door...          They're gone. Vivienne sits in a pew. For once she looks small, old, alone. EXT. CHURCH - DAY Arthur and Naomi step into the daylight, pushing past paparazzi and press. Marty is waiting in the Batmobile, now repaired. 115.                         ARTHUR Sorry, Marty. This isn't mine any more. Fancy joining us for a bowl of Special J?         Marty gets out. The three walk away up Amsterdam Avenue. FADE OUT EXT. QUEENS - NIGHT CAPTION: ONE MONTH LATER ARTHUR (O.S.) OW! INT. NAOMI'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Naomi's typing, sipping `Sprike' (fake Sprite). Beside her is         a printed manuscript titled `SNART'S FAKE NEW YORK - A Bogus guide to the World's Greatest City.' On the computer screen is: `...the 1765 Irish Hair Famine swept through Manhattan, rendering every resident bald for a week.' ARTHUR (O.S.) This is outrageous! INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. SHOWER - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Arthur's struggling with a very crap, piddly shower. Rather than the glory of Manhattan from his shower-in-the-sky, Arthur just has a bare wall opposite to look out on. ARTHUR Operational heat controls in a          shower are a basic human right! A hole in a pipe sprays his groin with hot water. He screams. INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. SITTING ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Ralph and Marty sit watching sports, Marty cheering as the Yankees are losing, Ralph miserable, The doorbell rings. INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. BATHROOM DOOR. NIGHT Ralph stands hammering at the bathroom door, holding a         package. 116.          ARTHUR (O.S.) Owww! My eyes! I'm blind! Ralph hammers again. The bathroom door opens. Arthur's         holding a giant bottle of cheap shampoo. His eyes are bright red, streaming. ARTHUR (CONT'D)          What the hell's in this shampoo? Napalm? It sure as hell isn't tea tree oil...         Ralph hands him the package. RALPH Package for you. With any luck an          apartment for you and Lurch. ARTHUR I thought you liked me. RALPH I may have been seduced by money. It happens. INT. NAOMI'S APARTMENT. SITTING ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Naomi appears from the bedroom. She finds Arthur staring at         a framed photo of Hobson as a beautiful young woman holding Arthur as a happy, laughing toddler. A note is attached. ARTHUR (reading it out) `Can I be your friend at least? Love, Vivienne xxx. P.S. Lunch sometime? P.P.S. The inheritance is          yours. It always was.' Arthur looks at Naomi, at Ralph, at Marty. RALPH On balance, I'd go for it. MARTY Money good. They look at Naomi. NAOMI You were never happy rich, honey. It's only been a month. Be strong. Remember: however hard life gets, love will always find a way. (MORE) 117.                         NAOMI (CONT'D)           (off their stares:) What? Can't a girl make a joke? EXT. MANHATTAN - NIGHT Arthur steps out of a Bentley. INT. AA MEETING - NIGHT Arthur enters the AA meeting, clutching Hobson's ashes. ARTHUR Brought her for moral support. But I'll do the talking this time. FADE OUT