Dancing with the Stools

Hey, Donna, why you looking at your trophies all weird and why do you have these trophies? They're second place trophies from Stoolbend's Dancing with the Stools. It's in two weeks, and this year I refuse to let your parents beat me again. It started in 1991. I remember because I had just And the winners of the 1991 Dancing with the Stools Dance Championships of Dance are Freight Train and Cookie Brown! - Boom! - Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-Oh! Hello, everyone. It is now 1998. Moving on, the winners of this year's dance competition are our very own president and portly intern, Freight Train and Cookie Brown. Close but no cigar! Ha ha, that sure is topical for this period in history! Freight Train and Cookie Brown! I told you it was too soon. I want a divorce. And then I also lost to Cookie and Freight Train from 2003 to the present, which is this year. And this year, they're going down. I'm one step ahead of you. One Ow! Bitch! Ow! My anterior cruciate ligament! Oh, Lord help me! Looks bad. Gonna have to put you down. Wait, wait. I think it might be all right. Yup, yup, it's fine. Now, keep practicing while I start dinner. My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show. Donna and I are going to win that dance contest, and you know why? Please don't say it's because you "be-Cleve" in yourself. I can't be-Cleve you just said that. Nice! Blech. Cleveland, I didn't know you could so you think you can dance. He can't. He can't dance, can't sing. He can act, though. Act like a little bitch. See you at the dance contest, Weezie. Why does he call you "Weezie"? Because he thinks that in a certain light, I look exactly like Isabel Sanford from The Jeffersons. This is why Donna and I can't use candles in the bedroom. Hang on a second. Ah! Look, I need you to babysit the kids. What do you mean you're not allowed to? You played the principal in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. You're great with kids. Oh, I hadn't heard. Well, may God have mercy on your soul. Yo, Ro, why don't you babysit? That way we gots no one hanging around here blap-blocking us. You're right. Mama, I'm 15 years old. I can babysit Rallo. Berta, please. Taking care of a child is a lot of responsibility. You were on the Foxy Boxing tour for half of my childhood. Fine. I'll be back after rehearsal. No blapping! Roberta? Roberta? Roberta? Rallo, leave us alone. Go play a video game or something. Cool. If you need me, I'll be warming up some foil in the microwave for no reason. Wasn't me. And five, six, seven, eight Two, three, kickball, change. Feather step, feather step, heel pull back, chassÃ©, chassÃ©, cha-cha-cha, and heel and turn and kick and change and contraposta heel. - Got it? - Got it. Five, six, seven, eight And jump and turn and shimmy-shimmy sham, and jump, jump, jump, fleeble flooble, jumpy jump, and dance and dance and dance and dance. Next. Hey, Cleveland, I think you lost something. I did? What? A dance competition. Mmm, I like that wit. Hey, Jew-Z. Get off my sister. It's time for her to give me a bath. You ain't Charles Barkley. You can give yourself a bath. Mama won't let me on account of that time I slipped and hit my head and was dead for three minutes. Well, Mama's not here and I'm in charge, so get up there and take your bath. Now, where were we? On the 8:12 express to Humpsylvania. Roberta? Help! There are some problems up here! Ugh, be right back. Oops, foot's asleep. I forgot the order of how you do this. How the hell - I have to go to the bathroom. - So go. Mama always holds me over the toilet at night. Why? Uh, because I don't want an alligator sneaking up through the hole and bitin' my doodle. At least somebody gettin' they doodle bit. Time for the big lift. - Ready? - Ready. Ow! I thought you were lifting me. Why would I lift you? You're stronger. Are you guys almost finished? You promised we'd go to the buffet at Sizzler after. Pudding! Croutons! Sorry, Junior, but we're not going anywhere until we get this routine down. Dad, it's easy. Look. It's a simple promenade, with a guapacha figure on the eighth measure. Cleveland, you're out. Me and Junior are winning this contest! Now I know how Halle Berry feels every three months. I'm sorry, honey, but I consider myself the Le Bron James of regional Virginia ballroom dancing. And, well, this Bron-Bron's gotta ditch Cleveland, too. Whoo! Donna, no! That's anthrax! What?! Why do you have anthrax?! For my feet, Donna! For my stinky feet! And then at rehearsal, when you transitioned from a Musette to a Viennese to a Lindy Hop, I was like, "What?" Well, you didn't show it because you didn't miss a step. You're like a perfectly round Baryshnikov. And you're like a full-figured Gregory Hines. Gregory Hines is dead. Cleveland, instead of moping around like a jealous little girl who can't dance, why don't you find something useful to do, like uh, marry all the Pert Plus bottles in the shower. Okay. What would you say if I told you I took my two best capes, cut 'em, hemmed 'em, and bedazzled the bahemus out of them? You are a great seamstress. Seamster. Huh, what do you call a male seamstress? A homosexual. Are we recycling these or what? I don't care. Do whatever you want. Pert! Pert! Pert! Pert! I'm never washing my hair again. Cleveland, is this about me replacing you with your son as my partner for the dance competition? Are you serious? Are you really asking me that question? What else could it be about? Well, the Pert. Of course it's not about the Pert! Pert is an effective shampoo and an intermittently painful lubricant. Now, I'm going to enter that competition and win it without you! But Cleveland, you're a terrible dancer and you don't have a partner. Then I shall find one. And we will win. And she and I will dance on your grave! I really went too far with the whole "dance on your grave" thing. The competition doesn't mean that much to me. Although I am going to find a partner, and we will win. And we will dance on your grave! Ah, sorry about that. Do you realize since I've been watching you you've gone through Maybe stop giving me a juice every time I ask for it. Hey, how about a juice box? Okay. Ah Twenty-five. Rallo, you are so dumb! You are really dumb. For real. I think my jeans shrunk in the wash. They didn't shrink, Precious. All you've been eating all week is what you make for me Pop Tarts, mac and cheese, chicken strips. You're porking out, girl. That's why all Mom's pants have elastic in the waist. Really? Oh, yeah. And look, it covers the whole gut. Wait, you're wearing her shirt, too? It's a one-piece. Hey, Miss Tubbs, have you seen Rober Oy vey! Shut your mouth. Now, I gotta go scare everybody by muttering while I pick up things in the living room. Damn shoes on the table. No coaster usin' break your neck Wow, you were right. There's so much more to the world of dance than just makin' it clap. That's right, Miss Donna. And once I finish this ice cream, let's krump over to that cannoli cart for dessert. Oh, Junior, if you didn't exist, I'd have to mold you out of an enormous piece of clay. My whole life, I knew if you needed a dancer in Stoolbend, there was only one place to go. But since Dancytown was destroyed in a fire, I decided to try Little Moscow. Excuse me, are any of you dancers? You are in Little Moscow. Everyone is dancer. Or criminal. Most are criminal. Well, how would you like to be my partner? I'll pay you, of course. Is deal. But is rules. No kissing on mouth, no Leningrad Steamer. No, no, I mean dance partner. And then Svetlana get green card? Of course! No. Ooh, Junior, you dance the salsa as well as you eat it, baby. Miss Donna, on the mean streets of Quahog, you either got a wicked jump shot, sell rock or dance. How'd you get so good? I was kidnapped by Rick James for three months. I bet you have a lot of nice stories. Wow, Grandpa Freight Train, are those tap shoes? Yeah, just a little something extra we're putting into our routine. Check this out. Look at me go. We're in trouble, Miss Donna. Oh, hello, former partner, current son, and occasional father. Meet my new partner. Her name is Svetlana and she's Russian. So you know what that means. - She buys sweatsuits in bulk? - No. - She smokes in the shower? - No. She has a screwdriver wound on her neck? In kidney. No! It means she's an amazing dancer. And check out her back muscles. Donna, you want to show her your weird stretch-marky back? Just kidding. No one wants to see that. You really want to beat stretch mark wife at dance? SÃ­. Why you such male seamstress? Only one way to learn dance. Baseball, chin hairs on ladies, Rosie O'Donnell. Jimmy! It's like we're Danny and Sandy. We go together like shoo-bop sha-wad-da-wad-da yippity boom-de-boom. In Russia we have saying: "If you want to beat wife in friendly competition, you commit adultery with stranger at dance practice. " And has that led to a vibrant economy? I bet Cleveland's not having as much fun as we are! Whee! Babushka! You make sex on me. Nyet! I'm a myarried myan. Run away with me. Junior! Oh, my God, you're my Junior, stop that! You can't kiss me! I'm your stepmother! But we're in love. What are you talking about? We've spent every day for the past two weeks locked in each other's arms. We shared a cannoli. You took my cannoli. Oh, Junior, I'm so sorry. I'm sure I'm to blame for this, but you need to know that Shh, I get it. You need time to process this. But don't take too long. You are 42. There you are! Don't hit me! Nothing happened with Svetlana! We're done. I told her I'm a married man, and that's my own fault and I have to deal with it. Cleveland, that's not why I'm here. Junior kissed me. What? Who cares? Junior kisses everybody. He kisses the mailman. Not on the lips. Well, if it's a parcel You're not hearing me. He kissed me kissed me. Junior's in love with me. Wow. How could this have happened? Oh, right, you dumped your spouse for your hormonal teenage stepchild. What'd you expect, Woody Allen? Remember that with him and Sun-chi or whatevers it was? Cleveland, what are we gonna do about this? We're gonna handle this the way we make love. I'm gonna lie back and do nothing while I watch you squirm. Okay, fine, you're right. I should never have dumped you. And? I'm sorry. And? I'd like you to be my partner again. And? Talk to Junior and I'll let you put that Gilbert Gottfried statue in our front yard. Yay! Ding-dong! Yo, I said ding Dang! Why come you wearing yo ma's wig? Rallo put a wad of gum in my hair, then he tried to get it out with a sparkler. Gum's out, isn't it? Why don't you call me as soon as it grows back? A'ight? Oh, well. Ain't nothing some ham salad can't fix. Junior, there's something important I want to talk to you about You're getting a spray tan? Everyone on a dance show has a spray tan. Plus, it's got glitter in it. It does? Donna says that something happened the other night. She told you? Well, you were gonna find out sooner or later. Yes. We kissed. Twice. Twice?! She didn't say that. Well, she's a class act. She's not gonna rub your nose in it. Not my Donna. Thank you, Alejandro. All right, I'm ready for my waxing. Thank you, Mishmosh. Now, what were you saying about my Donna? Your Donna? Junior, this is ridiculous. She's my wife. But now she's found a younger, more vital, smarter or stupider man who has aspirations greater than being a cable installer. I'll have you know that in three years I hope to be working for Enterprise Car Rental. I've already purchased my short-sleeved, ill-fitting dress shirt. Dad, could you just bow out with a little grace, so I could keep one scrap of respect for you? I want you to know, you're always gonna be a part of our lives. Let's call it six weeks for you to find a place? That seems fair. You've been so good through all of this. Hold up! I'm your father, and I don't have to leave my wife for you. But Dad And she's certainly not gonna leave me. I guess you're right. We are done with this nonsense. You hear me? Yes, Dad. And good luck at the dance competition. I'll be rooting for you two. Thank you. If you need me, I'll be in my new apartment, which is awesome. Gas range, central air, ceiling fan, call waiting All that. Bye! Swim pool, common room you can sign up for Bye again. Cleveland, remember when you told me to tell you when you're going? Well, you're doing it. I can't help it. I'm so nervous for you or me about losing this competition to whoever this was important to. Here's the situation. You about to lose. And I'm Snooki. Next up Please let it be magic. Nope, more dancing. The Browns. Excuse me! Sometimes people don't think the world will accept them for who they are and what they love. And I think that's true of you, Miss Donna. But right now, I'm gonna let the world know how I feel. Oh, God. So Donna Tubbs Brown Will you marry me? Aw No, I'm not gonna marry you. I'm his stepmother. Ew! But we're soulmates. We're meant to be together. But Junior, I don't love you. Let me finish. I don't love you that way. I love you as a mother. Aw And I think if you look inside yourself, you'll realize that you love me the same way. Wow. Maybe because my actual mom and I were never close, I got confused. Aw, Junior. Come here son. Aw You know, Miss Donna, you're a real MILF. Ew! "Mom I'd Like as a Friend. " Oh okay. Are you gonna dance or what? Junior, what do you think? I think we should win this thing. As mother and son. And nothing more. Roberta, we won! Is what I would have said if I'd competed. And won. But your mother and Junior came in fourth. I'm Captain Naked! Floppy, floppy, floppy Roberta?! Ooh, girl, you're lookin' good! Well, thanks for watching Rallo. Now you can go do whatever you're gonna do with Federline. Oh, no! I am not coming within a country mile of anything that might give me one of those. Yeah, that's what I thought when I was your age. Then guys start growing mustaches and all your rules go out the window. For what it's worth, I think you'd make a good mom. Real good.