Honey, I'm Homeland

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! 'Sup, comrades? Whoa, what's with the getup? You look like one of those non-ethnic burglars in the home alarm commercials. Merely a cunning disguise, Steve. I'm going undercover at the Occupy rally today. Didn't that Occupy movement blow over? But it didn't blow out. It's the anniversary rally celebrating the day they didn't get kicked out of that park. CIA's gotten word that these anti-Americans are using this rally as a cover to plan a major terrorist attack. Come on, Dad, they aren't anti-American, they're anti-capitalist. And, you know, I think they make a lot of good points about our culture's veneration of the super rich. God, you're annoying. Everything you say is annoying. You want some coffee, Stan? I just got a new grind from Delayna's Coffee. Mom, that company is the worst. The CEO lives in a castle and doesn't even pay his employees a living wage. God, you're annoying. Everything you say is annoying. You know what? I give up. How can you expect to infiltrate a group of people when you won't even open your mind to their beliefs? Hayley, I've seen Reality Bites, all right? I think I get the agenda of this generation. Oh, and it shows from your kick-ass disguise. Hey, you know the only thing you're missing are the mirrored shades. Mirrored shades? Really? Oh, definitely. All the groovy protesters wear them. If I leave now, I can probably hit that Sunglass Hut at the mall before it goes out of business. - Klaus! - Jawohl? Get ready to flip me my car keys with your tail, like you do every morning. I've been ready for three hours. Stan, you forgot your coffee. And your keys. Was that Stan coming back for his keys? Yes, but he let a coyote in the house when he did. Open the back door so it has a way out. You do realize this is about climate change. God, it's worse than I thought. Hey, man, you want to go with us? We're gonna go intimidate that Verizon store into letting us use their bathroom. Right on. Wait, don't I recognize you three from somewhere? I know. You used to be multicultural members of the Burger King Kids' Club. A girl, a black kid and a paraplegic. All friends, somehow. Yeah, that's us. But we took off when they changed their fries. Well, let's do it, man. I'm one of you. Just looking to agitate. Okay, you're in. But first, douse your bandana in this tear gas neutralizer. Huh. Smells a little like ether. Where where am I? A foxhole on the front line in the war for class equality. Why are you doing this? I thought we were coolio. Yeah, we know you work for the CIA. Only a narc would wear those mirrored shades. But my daughter told me they would make me look really cool and oh, I get it, she set me up, I'm stupid. Oh, we can fix that. Let the reeducation begin. Kristophe, hit the energy efficient lights. Aah! The tint of the glow is slightly off. Wake up, G-man. It's time to hear the truth. And the most efficient way to convey that truth? Poetry slam. Death! On 9/11. Unhealthy food in 7-Eleven. Instagram. No, thank you, ma'am. Television news is society's bruise. Makes me want to drink booze. Because "pobody's nerfect. " Hello. I'm Ira Glass. Today, on This American Life, we have a story about a dog. And like most dogs this dog has an owner. But here's the thing: This dog's owner also happens to be a dog. Why is he pausing? Doesn't he know what he wants to say next? Doesn't he have it written down right in front of him? We've just received a disturbing report that a local man has been kidnapped by radical Occupy protesters, and subjected to Heaven knows what. Journalistic ethics prevent us from releasing the man's name. But, between you and me, it's Stan Smith. Stan?! Daddy?! Dad? Ow! Hangnail. "We are a radical arm of the Occupy movement. "We have several demands. "The rich should give their money to the poor. "Then the new rich should give their money to the new poor. "And then they should go round and round like the the Sneeches?" Is that what that is? "Also, there should be a one-year waiting period "to get a gun. And at the end of that year, you don't get a gun. " Witnesses report that the victim stood out because he was wearing mirrored narc shades. Oh, my God. I told Dad to wear those sunglasses. This is all my fault. Well, then you better just hope he doesn't get out of there alive. Roger, what are you doing? Well, with your dad missing, it's only a matter of time before hundreds of people show up for a candlelight vigil. Tha-that seems a little steep. Friends and family get ten for a hundred, but we're not related and I don't really care for you, so it's 20 bucks. Oh, my God, Mom, I'm so worried. What if What if Dad doesn't come back? Then you'll have killed your father. Do I really need to explain this to you? Stan? Oh, Dad, thank God you're okay. We heard you were kidnapped. First, I'm not a kid. So the term is "man-napped. " And second, I escaped my kidnappers. Oh, God, that's Nobody sign for that. Just ignore him. He'll go away. Hey, Dad. What are you doing? Oh, just listening to my boy-eeee Glenn Beck. Did you know America's dead? Pulled into the world garage, left the engine running, flipped on some Roy Orbison and just let go. Dad, I just came in to say Well, I-I'm just really happy that you're home. Good night. Hello. I'm Ira Glass. With a $35 pledge you can get the feeling of paying for radio. It's an indescribable sensation. Ah, yeah. Okay, I figured it out. We took a big hit on all those candles. "We?" Yeah, it's a family problem. Every problem in this house is a family problem. Except your problems. Anyway, you each owe me $400. Mom, can you spot me? Steve, you're not paying him. None of us are paying you, Roger. But I've got 3,500 candles up there. How the hell am I supposed to unload them? Make wax statues of Viggo Mortensen? Ooh, first thought, best thought. Hey, everybody. I'm off to my study to swaddle myself in the American flag and pretend I'm Baby Jesus. But, before I go, I wanted to hand out your allowances. We get allowances? I know I do all the work, but we're not just a family. We're a collective. Oh, my God, don't you guys realize what just happened? Your dad cut one and left? Yes, but he's also redistributing his wealth. The dad I know would consider that un-American. Haley, I-I'd think you'd be happy that Dad is starting to think a little like you. I would if it was real, but it's so weird. He's still talking like he did in that video. I wonder Why I'm listening to you instead of hustling down to the fireworks stand with my unforeseen windfall? What happened? Oh, my God, someone put an axe in the fuse box. Candles, $10. Love, American Style Truer than the red, white and blue, ooh, ooh Love, American style That's me and you. Haley, care to join our patriotic sing-along? I'm sorry, Dad. But you're not fooling anyone. You've been brainwashed. And I have proof. What are you talking about? I followed Dad today. Here's a picture of him giving all of his clothes to a homeless man. It looks like he's being robbed. What?! It's true. I was robbed by a homeless. Haley! Your father was getting mugged and you just sat there, snapping photos? Hilarious. I-I swear, he didn't have a gun. Dad, you may be able to use your CIA tech to hack my phone and doctor a photo, but you can't doctor real life. But that was a peace sign. Oh, I see why you're confused. Reagan's just at peace shredding waves. I'm not crazy. I know what I saw. Oh, I've got some bad news, guys. I have to sell the piano. Aw. Sorry, I'll be out of your hair in a minute. Just looking for a flashlight. Oh, here it is. Shadow puppet practice, commence! It's all in the pinky. What's wrong, little buddy? I'm ruined! All these candles! You can't find anyone to buy them? I offered them to Yankee Candles, but they said they had enough candles. I don't understand business! Don't give up, Roger. You just got to look on the bright side. Oh, it feels good to laugh. Thanks for reminding me how. It's like I'm looking at you through the eyes of Vilmos Zsigmond, cinematographer of Close Encounters. I know Vilmos. I was his favorite extra. God, there's so much I don't know about you. I should probably go. Why? Two friends lit by candlelight. What could go wrong? The question is what could go right? How 'bout I light a few more? All right, Stan Smith, let's see what you're hiding. Sorry, Hayley. Sorry you picked a fish for your stupid plan. No, Dad! I can't let you do this. What do you mean? I saw your computer screen. I know you were searching for "Secret Back Roads to National Monuments. " Oh, Hayley, Hayley, Hayley. I've been planning a road trip for the family to see all of our country's greatest monuments. And of course we'll take the secret back roads. You always want to enter a park from behind. Not many parks will let you, but if you find one that will, they'll pretty much let you do anything. Dad, one of the Web sites was "How to Blow Up National Monuments. " Hayley, Hayley, Hayley. "Blow Up. " It's street jive. It means to make something popular. Attendance at the national monuments is dwindling, baby girl, and Daddy's worried. Okay I-I guess that makes sense. Um, just one more question. Why is there a crate of missiles tied to your car? Hayley, Hayley, Hayley. You just couldn't let it rest, could you? Damn, Hayley, how much do you weigh? Daddy? What's going on? You were right, Hayley. I'm a warrior now for the liberal left, and we're about to move forward with an attack that the world's right-wing puppet masters will never forget. Oh, by the way, these are my friends who kidnapped and brainwashed me. This one's a wheelchair guy, but he can still talk and everything. Dad, what are you gonna do? Are you are you gonna blow up Mount Rushmore? Oh, no. Way cooler. Artemis, show her. By precisely targeting a barrage of missiles your dad acquired for us, we'll reshape the contemptible fascists of Mount Rushmore into history's greatest leftists. Sean Penn, Michael Moore and Captain Planet. Why didn't you change Jefferson? Well, he freed the slaves, so he stays. I can't believe this. We're going through with this, Hayley. No use trying to talk me out of it. I'm not going to. I think it's awesome. Really? Dad, this is exactly what I've been trying to get you to embrace all these years. Now we can work together to bring down the Plutocratic, patriarchal, military industrial complex! I can't wait to help you guys pull this off, but, um, can I go to the bathroom real quick? I'm going to enjoy a movement of my own. Clever! - Hello? - Avery, it's Hayley. I have to talk to you. I was kidnapped. Stop right there. Let me switch to a secure line. All right. When you were kidnapped, what were you wearing? Do you currently have access to your nipples? What? N-No, Avery, I-I was kidnapped by terrorists. Oh, my God, you're so bad at sexy phone calls. Damn it! Come on, come on, come on. Mmm. I don't know where your back ends and my hands begin. Oh! The outside world. - Hello? - Roger, it's Hayley. Look, I've been kidnapped by my dad. He's working with terrorists Hayley, my hands are dripping with coconut oil. I can't talk. Now, where were we? Oh yeah, here. Steve? Roger? Are you up there? What? Wh-What have we been doing?! I-It must have been the candles, right? Get out. Betraitor! All right, Stan. Finish setting up the launcher while we go get high for this. I want to be as high as I was during Life of Pi. Dad, don't do this. This isn't you. Hayley, you should be happy. I'm a leftist radical, just like you are. But that's not who you are. You've always hated my liberal ideas. Remember how mad you got when I filled your gas tank with sugar to encourage you to ride my bike to work? The chain kept coming off and I had to ask a weird man for help. Yeah. Yeah! It made you really mad, didn't it? But, but I did reduce my carbon footprint for two days, so well done. Okay, but remember how upset you got when my fourth grade teacher asked what you did on Career Day and I said you introduced crack and AIDS to the ghetto? I've told you time and again that AIDS was the FBI. But, but it's good to be sensitive to the socioeconomically disadvantaged and their pain. Yeah? Well, what about your pain when me and my friends protested on our front lawn for four months? I'd just had that lawn seeded. All those hippies urinating But, but I guess you did raise awareness for for for nothing! It wasn't even clear what you were protesting! Were you against soap? Getting jobs? Having sex in private?! All right, Stan, we're ready. Launch the missiles. Launch? I-I I can't. Why not? Are you all right? Yes. You had me all left. But now I'm all right. I don't understand. What's he Oh, I get it. He's using "right" in the political sense. His brainwashing's been compromised! Seize him! Dude! You wouldn't hurt a guy in a wheelchair. Of course not. But I would hurt a guy with his wheelchair. Dad? Are you really back? Yes, Hayley, I am. It seems the only force strong enough to break their brainwashing was a lifetime of disappointment in my daughter. It is you! Dad! Oh, no! What have I done? What what the hell just happened? Well done, Smith. Or should I say, Smiths. Deputy Director Bullock? Let me explain. We needed to test Mount Rushmore's new anti-missile laser defense, so we figured the easiest way to do that would be to brainwash our most loyal agent into firing missiles at it. Really? That was the easiest way? No. But South Dakota had a lot of Homeland Security funds just sitting around, so we figured we should do something cool with it. Are you insane?! Millions of kids go to bed hungry every night, but you waste money making Abe Lincoln into a Transformer? God, you're annoying. Everything you say is annoying. This guy gets it. Smith, let me introduce you to the CIA agents who pretended to be anticapitalist activists so they could kidnap and brainwash you. Duper?! Jackson?! Oh, my God, those disguises are amazing! That's because they're made with real skin from the Orient. Wait a minute, then-then who was playing Artemis? Oh, he was actually a dangerous activist. So good job beating him to death. He did have a child that may come for vengeance someday, but he's also in a wheelchair, so walk halfway up a staircase or find a curb, you'll be fine. Well, Dad, it really is good to have you back. It's good to be back, Hayley. Come on, let's go home. Well, we've got a long drive ahead of us. What are we gonna talk about? Not much.