That's My Baby

- [Buzzing] - Be right there. - Well, that was a lie. - [Buzzing] - One second! One. [Buzzing] - I said I'm coming! - What happened to this country? No one hustles anymore. That's why Canada's killing us these days. [Buzzing] [Door open] [Baby squeals] - [Gasps] You have a baby? I knew it! I knew you were lying to me. I thought I knew you. I thought you were my girlfriend. I let myself be vulnerable to you. I trusted you. Well, not anymore. Do you hear that? That's the sound of my walls going back up. Lose my number, because you are dead to me. D E D. Dead. - It's not my kid. It's my sister's. I'm babysitting. She's adorable. He's a boy. [Door slam] - Looks like a girl. correction by jasonnguyen2606 [Door open] [Door slam] - You want to grab some lunch? - Great. I'm starving. - Porky's coming. - Uh, no thanks. - You just said you were starving. - Changes the dynamic. - What dynamic? - I already ate. - No, you didn't. - Porky's a bummer. - You're a bummer! - No. I'm not a bummer. I'm a jerk. [Clicks tongue] [Sighs] [Rock music playing] [Horn honks] - [Stammering] What are you doing after lunch? Nothing. You want to do something fun? - Great. What'd you have in mind? - Go buy some ink. - Ink? - For my printer. [Laughs] Fun, right? Turns out the jerk was right about the bummer. Huh? You guys all set to order? - I'll have a club sandwich. - Yeah. I'll have one of those, too. - Can I start you off with some refreshing iced tea? - Water's fine. - I'll have some refreshing iced tea. It's sound refreshing. - Did you want to start with an appetizer? Some ooey-gooey nachos? Or maybe our famous spinach artichoke poppers? - Nah. Just the sandwich. - They're really good. - I'll get the spinach artichoke poppers. - Great choice. - Unbelievable. - What? - Don't you see what just happened? - What? - Cute waitress Bubbly personality Ooey-gooey? It was a classic upsale. - Huh? - Upsale. It's when someone gets you to buy something you didn't even want in the first place. - Wow. You're right. I don't even like spinach, or artichoke. - Can I get you anything else? - No. We're good. - Are you sure? We have a chocolate lava cake for dessert. It's really good. - Well, then I have to get it. - Great. - And maybe some of those ooey-gooey nachos. [Face slap] [TV playing in background] [Doorbell rings] - I'll be right there. [Doorbell ringing] - One second! [Doorbell ringing rapidly] - What happened to this country? No one takes the time to relax anymore. That's why Canada's killing us these days. [Ringing continues] [Door open] - Oh. Thank goodness you're home. Someone called in sick at work, and I got to cover their shift. - Can you watch him? - Oh, I can't. I'm busy. - With what? You don't have a job. - I got a bunch of stuff to do around the house. - It's Bugs' house. - I promised my girlfriend I'd help her out. - I'm your girlfriend. - Well, then, I'll watch the baby. Well, that one kind of backfired on me. - And if anything happens to him while I'm coming, I'll kill you. - I can take care of a baby. - I used to be a baby I think. I don't really have any memories before the age of 15. [Door close] So, what's up, man? Not much of a talker? What are you into? [Babbles and giggles] - You like jam bands? I used to be in a jam band. - [Plays sour note] - Wait. - [Playing sour notes] - Hold on. Wait. Closer, but-- wait. Good jam, huh? [Sniffles and crying] - Sounds like someone wants an encore. - [Crying] - [Playing sour notes] Wait. Hold on. Wait. What's wrong, baby? You want something to eat? It's a Reuben. No? You want something to drink? [Fridge door open] - Milk? What am I, crazy? Babies don't like milk. How about some clam juice? Here. We got to get rid of it, anyway. It's about to expire. [Crying continues] - You're not hungry. You're not thirsty. What's your problem? [Sniffs] That better be the clam juice. [Crying] - Oh, before I ring you up, there is just one thing-- - Here it comes. - Would you be interested in getting an extended warranty? - And there it is. - Um-- - Are you crazy? It's ink. - All replacement parts would be covered up to 40%. - You're not going to need replacement parts. It's ink. - If the product gets damaged, we'll ship it back to the manufacturer for you. - It's not going to get damaged. It's ink. - It's only an additional $15. - That's half the price of the ink. - I'll take it. [Face slap] [Crying] - What's the matter with you? Did you get a bunch of bad news before you came over here? You're a bigger bummer than Porky. [Whales singing] [Baby coos] In the middle of the Atlantic Ocean - Come on, guys. We're going to be late for choir practice. - Lives a pack of whales [Squeals] - Trying to find their voice. [Whales singing] - Some trying a little harder than the rest. [Scatting] - [Squeals] - You like that? - "Marty The Whale" in theaters now. - Well, then, let's go to the movie! [Squeals] - [Explosions] - [Artillery approaching] [Gunfire] - Aah! [Screams] [Screams] - Popcorn? [Crying] - Shh! [Wailing] - Sir, you're disturbing the other patrons. - I'm not doing anything. Talk to him. - [Crying] - Sir, please. [Crying continue] - 'Cause he's crying? That's his emotional response to the material. - You have to take your baby outside. - Fine. I've already seen it anyway. Lieutenant graves doesn't make it. - Ohh! - He never sees Barbara again. - [Crying] - Oh, come on! - You ought to see somebody. You're seriously depressed. - Ugh. I know how you feel. You know what helped me? Mommy and baby class. We're going to one now. You should come. - Anything to stop that crying. Uhh, your baby? Huh? [Crying] - Oh, right. [Whoosh] [Crying continues] - Are you sure you don't want me to carry your ink? I'd hate for something to happen to it. [Car door open] - Oh, that's right! It doesn't matter if something happens to it. You've got an ink warranty. [Seatbelt click] - He made it sound so important. You must think I'm a real jerk. - No. Daffy's a jerk. You're a bummer. - Right! [Keys jangle] [Whirs] - Battery's dead. - Look on the bright side-- if this ever happens to your ink, you're covered. [Tow truck lifting] - So that'll be $89. - You interested in joining The Tow Truck Club? - No. - For just $250 a month, you get 23 tows a year. - Who gets towed that much? What person is breaking down 20 times a year? - If you sign up today, I'll throw in some free stickers for just $10. - Free $10 stickers? Gee, where do I sign up? - Right here. You can use the pen after me. [Face slap] [Funk music playing] - Do you like chocolates, baby? Of course you do Caviar? You like this, too I bring to you a rose but still, you hold your nose I have a certain smell but you know I wear it well I'm a skunk You'll get used to it Hear my song Shake your caboose to it Yummy, yummy in my tummy baby, let's share some cheese Lovey, lovey missy, missy come here, baby, give me kissy, please I'll always love and miss you - Skunk - I want to hug and kiss you - Funk - Knock, knock, who's there? Pepe le Pew I'm on your balcony singing to you You fill me with passion, my throat has a lump but you say that I smell like a garbage dump You seem to think I'm polluting the air but I am like a fine camembert - Skunk lovey dovey, baby sugar, honey bunny, take a chance ooga-booga, ooga-booga-booga, ome on, let's dance - Skunk Funk - Can you smell that, baby? - Funk Skunk - It is getting funky in here - Funky Skunk - It is getting skunky in here - Funky, funky, skunky, skunky Funky, skunky, skunky, funky [Door slam] Funk skunk [Curtain close] - The itsy-bitsy spider wenterent up the water spout [Stammering] - Down came the rain - Down came the-- [Babbling] And washed the spider out Out came the sun And they walked him in the rain And the guy went blah blah To something else again - Went up the spout again [Cheering] - Has anyone's baby reached a new milestone this week? - Charlie smiled at his daddy last night. He really did! - [All talk at once] - Samantha rolled over for the first time. [All talk at once] - What about your little guy? - Oh, uh, him? He, uh, learned how to ride a bike. - [Laughs] What? - Why? Is that bad? Is he slow? [Laughter] - Slow! Ha ha ha. [Laughing] [Laughing continue] [Baby squeals] [Laughs] [Baby giggles] [Blows raspberry] [Giggles] [All talking and cooing at once] [Giggling] - Aww! [All talk at once] [Giggles] - Bye, ladies. See you next week. Janet, don't give up on sleep training. I know it's hard, but it's worth it. Marcia, I promise I'll get you the name of my pediatrician. Keep bugging me about it, though. Mom brain. [Laughs] Keep up the great work, moms! It's the hardest job we'll ever love. - These will be ready next Tuesday. - But the yard sale's this weekend. - I said next Tuesday. [Door open] [Cooing] - What are you doing here? - Just out for a little stroll. He tends to get a little fussy this time of day. They call it the witching hour. You probably didn't know that. His favorite pacie. - Wow. I'm impressed. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? - My shift just ended. - Already? Can't you work overtime or something? Swing shift? Graveyard shift? I mean, you got to put in the hours if you're going to break through that glass ceiling. - We're going to the park. - You forgot his schmoopie! - We have a compact car available, or for just an extra $49 a day, we can upgrade you to a minivan. - I'll take it. - Great. Let me get your key. - A minivan? What are you, a soccer mom? - What happened to all my money? - Appetizers, warranties, free stickers, and don't forget, you're on the hook to The Tow Truck Club for 3 grand a year. - You're right. I fall for it every time. [Stammers] No more upsells. I promise. - You're all set. Oh, I almost forgot. Would you like insurance? It's just an additional $3. 00 a day. - I don't know what kind of fool you take me for, but I'm not interested in your insurance. - Uh, Porky, I think you should get the insurance. - It's an upsell. - No. Artichoke poppers are an upsell. Insurance is practical. - [Stammers] - Just get it. It's hardly any money, and if anything happens, you're covered. - No insurance. Just the van. [Face slap] - Ow. It's starting to bruise. [Birds chirping] [Children laughing] [Coos] - He doesn't like it when you do that. [Coos] - You're holding the bottle wrong. That's not even the right nipple. We switched to soy formula. Just let me do it. - [Coos] - What is wrong with you? - I'll tell you what's wrong with me. You think what you do is so important because you work. Well, I work just as hard as you, and I don't even get a paycheck. - You've never gotten a paycheck. - I'm so busy taking care of him, I can't even tell you the last time I took a shower. - You never shower. - Uh, that's because I care about the earth. The point is raising a baby is hard work. And it's twice as hard when you do it alone. I'm just so tired! - You've known him for one day. You don't even know the baby's name. - His name's not baby? - [Gasps] -Where's baby? - [Gasps] Zachary! - Zachary? Baby's a better name than Zachary. - It is roomy, I'll give it that. [Both screaming] [All screaming] [Tires squeals] [Crash] - [Slow motion] Baby! [Coos] - He doesn't like it when you do that. [Radiator hissing] - I probably should have gotten the insurance. [Face slap] [Birds chirping] - Thanks again for watching him. - I want to start a family with you. - What? - I finally realize what I was put on this earth to do. Be a mother. Or was it to open a frozen yogurt shop? Yes. That is exactly what I was put on this earth to do. I'll be known for my toppings. No, no toppings. Just yogurt. The best yogurt. That's what I'll be known for. With tons of flavors. No! One flavor! With tons of toppings! [Wind howling] [Wind stops] [Thud] [Buzzer] [Thud] [Buzzer] [Whoosh] [Crackling] [Fire roaring] [Buzzer] [Whoosh] [Buzzer] [Horn honking] [Horn honks] [Horn honks] [Whoosh] Beep beep! [Buzzer] OK. So, just the pizza? Yep. - That'll be 14. 99. You know For just a couple of dollars more, I could throw in a 2-liter soda and some breadsticks. - Ehh - Or for an even 20, you get the soda, you get the breadsticks, and you get the cinnamon breadsticks. They're just like the regular breadsticks, but with cinnamon. - Cinnamon, huh? - For the dessert. - All right. I'll take it. [Whooshing] [Bell dings] - Classic upsell. [Chuckles] correction by jasonnguyen2606 [WB shield open] [Stammers] That all fo-- I shouldn't had thoses artichoke poppers?