Jedi Master Adam Skywalker

Back in the day, we all had that one crazy, legendary uncle. For me, it was my dad's brother Marvin. He had a million jobs, always annoyed my dad when he came over to Thanksgiving Go away! and could sweet-talk anyone. (Gasps) Oh, my word! Have I stumbled into the residence of workout goddess Jane Fonda? (Chuckling) Marvin, come on. - Get in here! - Ah! - (Laughing) Yeah! - (Laughing) You! (Gasps) There they are, "Crocket" and "Tubbs. " What up, my men? We have no money! Please go away. I'm not here for your money, "Mur-Man. " I'm just dropping by to see the fam. He's right, Mur. Be nice to your brother. It's Thanksgiving. It's the middle of May. Oh. Then, yeah, he's here for cash. How dare you suggest that I am here for a handout? Although, as luck would have it, I am having a spot of bad luck. Here we go. Just hear him out. Tell us about your recent failures, Marvin. Classic tale. There I was, minding my own business in this mystical shop on the outskirts of Chinatown, when, suddenly, this ancient man popped out and asked me if I wanted to buy this rare and exotic pet. Ooh. Like a sassy, colorful bird? Better. A Mogwai. And so, naturally, I handed him $6,000. Are you nuts?! That's not even the worst part. You see, these [as Gizmo] Mogwai [Normal voice] are "super-high maintenance. " You can't get them wet, no bright lights, and if you feed them after midnight, they become these bloodthirsty monsters! Who would buy a pet like that? Who? No one! That's who! It's from "Gremlins. " Murray, please. He had some trouble in Chinatown. Just give him some money. It's on Adam's lunchbox. It's right here! How dare you exploit the fact that I'm a kid at heart?! This is what he's talking about! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was May 10th, 1980- something, and my brother was working hard to get voted Best Dancer in the school yearbook. Barry Goldberg! Best Electric Boogaloo! But to be honest, he'd take best anything. Lunch! Michael Douglas! I'm doing business on my phone! Vote Barry Goldberg Most Likely To Succeed! Barry Goldberg Most Likely To Do This. Barry Goldberg, Best Juggler. After two weeks of campaigning, he got desperate. Ow! Hey! What the Why is this happening?! Just get in the locker! Vote for Barry Goldberg! Best Bully! (Chuckles) I won't let you down. Dude, you're hurting my body! Dammit. Why won't you fit?! - (Grunts) - Wha 'Cause I'm not a child anymore! I'm a grown person! How do you not see it by now? For your information, Best Bully isn't something in the yearbook. How would you know? You're just one of Adam's dumb little friends. Actually, I'm the editor. No way! So what'd I get? Let's just say you weren't recognized for any individual achievement. Damn it! I got to be something! (Singsong voice) Guess who got Best Substitute Teacher? The guy with the bat from "Lean on Me"? It's your mom, dude. Enjoy your day. - (Chuckles) - Bye, Adam. - Later, babe. - Later. The yearbook must be stopped. Not being recognized for my awesomeness is the greatest injustice this world has ever seen. You should get kindest eyes. And you should get Rightest Guy 'cause you're right! That's not an equal compliment, but I'll take it. Okay, I probably shouldn't be saying this out loud, but the only thing I want in the world is to get Cutest Couple with Erica. Geoff, it's just a lame yearbook. Who cares? Especially 'cause we're a lock, so why obsess over it? A lock? C'mon. There's waaaay better, cuter couples out there. Like who? Hello? Me and Barry? Mm- hmm. Aww! You'd totally win Except half your couple is Barry so wahhh wahh. Hate to be this guy, but I think everyone's kinda over the whole Erica n' Geoff thing. Yeah, Barry and Lainey may not be the fresh new couple, but you can't help but root for them. - Ha! - Oh no! They're right! Dammit, I need this win! I gotta find out who they picked! Just go ask Adam. 'Cause he's on the yearbook staff. Since when?! Since he started dating the editor. You mean Dana? You should really get to know your brother. You mean punch him until we get what we want, right? While Erica and Barry suddenly needed me, my mom realized my uncle was in dire need of a lifeline. - God! - Marvin, wait. I can't let you leave empty handed. I made you three casseroles and a Jell- O ring. (Chuckling) You're always so good to me. Marvin. Are you okay? Alright, here's the cold hard truth. You know all that stuff I was saying about the Mogwais? It's not real. It's from this movie, "Gremlins. " It's made by Steven Spielberg. It's got all these little Muppets in it. It's surprisingly scary. Everybody knows the movie. Starring Phoebe Cates, woof, is she my type. Please, let me help you! Okay, here's the deal. I gambled away a lot of money in Atlantic City playing keno. Keno? What are you, 75 years old? Nobody plays that! That's why I thought I had an edge! Damn it! You know, instead of coming to Murray asking for money, why don't you ask him for a job at the furniture store? Oh, man, if you get me this job, I will never ask you for anything again. If you're serious, I will do everything in my power to get you a job. Absolutely not! The answer is no. You don't have to convince anyone, Marvin. The job's all yours. Look, Barry already worked here, and it was a disaster. I'm not hiring another child from this family. Pffft! If I'm a child, then why was I sentenced as an adult when I borrowed that police horse? Well, I'm still a partner, and I can hire and fire whoever I want. Marvin, you're hired. Yes! And I can do this - You're fired. - No! - You're hired again. - Boom! - You're fired. - Frickin' Reaganomics! You're hired back. I promise I won't let you down this time, boss. I'm gonna give it my all. - You're fired. - [Bleep] - You're hired again. - Yes! - You're fired. - No! And you're hired again, end of story. Well, that was a roller-coaster ride. Glad it worked out. It's settled. Good. Bye. And with that, my dad had his newest employee. Meanwhile, my older siblings came to me for a little polite conversation. Hey! That was my record! Seven! Okay, it was six. What do you want? I need you to change the yearbook so I get Most Handsome or Most Likely To Jump A BMX Over The Grand Canyon! No. But what about telling your gentle, loving sister who's always adored you, what she got? Yeah, I'm not gonna do any of that. Hold him down and I'll beat him with his own toys! Go ahead! Nothing you can do will hurt as much as betraying my fellow yearbook staff! I don't care about your dumb baby club! This is a very serious real, adult problem! Now tell me if Geoff and I got Raddest Couple! How about this? I tell you nothing and you put some Magic Shell on some ice cream for me. (Sighs) Why is he making delicious demands instead of cowering in fear? 'Cause for the first time ever, I have absolute power. I not only know what's in the yearbook, but I can rewrite it as I please. You're bluffing. He's bluffing. Maybe I am. Or maybe I make you Most Likely To Share An Apartment With Her Mother. That's my nightmare! Or is it your destiny? - No! - Make him stop. I'm just getting started, Most Likely To Lose A Freestyle Rap Competition. Don't you dare put that in. You got it, Worst Dirt Biker. No! Slowest Nunchucker. He's attacking my private insecurities! I have extensive demands. If you meet them, I might be inclined to let you sneak a peek at the yearbook. Clean your room? Do your homework? Buy you scratch 'n sniff stickers!? I wrote the list four years ago. I've waited my whole life for this moment and it's finally here. I'm no longer your nerdy little brother. I'm your equal. Just let me kick him! Control your feet, Barry. He owns us. Barry, do me a favor and scratch this for me? My finger grows weary. - Never! - Suit yourself, Most Likely To Never Dunk On A Regulation Basket. (Music Playing) (Sniffs deeply) Mmm! As I savored the sweet smell of revenge, my uncle was hungry to begin peddling ugly '80s furniture. (Laughs) Don't sweat it, Mur. I give you my word I won't let you down. I literally have never been able to count on you. So I'm due! You have never come through for me ever. All you have to do is teach me everything you now, starting now. Like, what's this called? Lamp. Lamp! Got it! All right. Keep 'em coming. What's this thing here!? Couch. Ooh! How about this? Coffee table. Ooh! What's this jammy here? Couch. - What's this? - Table. - What's this thing named? - Chair again. - Ooh! What's this? - Couch. Any details you want to share? - Couch! - Done! I know what you know now! We are now equals! Let the sales begin! And so Marvin was off to prove himself, no questions asked. Is this a clock-in, clock-out situation, or am I on salary? Doesn't matter! I'm in it to win it! Let's sell some extra-size chairs! Couch! Why is that not sticking!? Okay, yeah, this wasn't gonna go well. Desperate to find out what they'd be voted in the yearbook, Erica and Barry had no choice but to give in to my list of ridiculous demands. Okay, they were out of grape scratch 'n sniff stickers, so I got hamburger, pizza, and skunk. Skunk? Use your head, man! That's the one scratch no one wants to sniff! Oh, no! Do you think Jedi Master Adam Skywalker will be displeased? He's not here, you don't have to call him that! I got to get in the habit. If I screw up, who knows what he'll label me in the yearbook?! This is crazy! We're scared of Adam! He's like, a tiny boy. He's been on the computer all day proofreading the yearbook. Let's just go in and swipe the stupid floppy disk. - Oh, no. - Stop panicking. We gotta think of a brilliant, complex plan to lure him away from it. And lure me she did, using my one great weakness. Yo, Jedi Master? Number three on your list is to inform you of any pertinent TV marathons, and there's a whole block of "ALF" on. Yes! It's show time, buddy! Okay, so their plan wasn't so much clever and complex as it was sad and easy. Here we go. Okay. Let's see what we get. Son of a bitch! It's Anthony Balsamo and Lexy Bloom! They gave it to the head cheerleader and our handsome quarterback!? What kind of backwards school do we go to?! Screw that. I'm changing Cutest Couple to me and whatshisface. It's a weird time to forget my name, but do it for us, baby. No way! This is my shining moment! - Stop it! - Stop it! - You stop it! - You stop it! - Stop it! - Lainey, stop it! Stop! Stop! Knock it off! - Lai Stop it! - Stop fighting! Everyone, come on! I want Barry and Lainey Best Couple! Next year's my last! Come on! (Indistinct arguing) Are you kidding me!? (Gasps) It's Jedi Master Adam! How dare you use ALF's good name to distract me!? ALF is sacred! He eats cats, dude. Cats are the chicken of Melmac! Doesn't matter! Gimme my disk! You left us no choice, man. We've been working our fingers to the bone to make you happy! Just let me make one little change. - Never! - Give us that floppy! We need it! Hand it over! And then it happened. (Slow- motion) Noooooo! Barry accidentally grazed the inside of the disk. Yep, back then, a fragile floppy could be ruined with one tiny touch. Oh, no You touched the tender insides! No. I didn't. My fingers missed the tender insides. I saw it. Your meaty thumb was all over the tender insides! My fingers missed the tender insides! Let's relax! The tender insides are still gonna be okay. (Clears throat) It was the most tense moment of my life. Surely, a fingerprint couldn't cause that much damage. And yet it did. He touched the tender insides. I didn't think I touched it. So, now that we're starting fresh, may I suggest Geoff and Erica for cutest couple? - (Sighs) - Too soon? While I lost the entire school year, my uncle discovered a cushy way to make us millions. What the hell is this!? This, my dear brother, is our future. I give you Bean bags. I don't want any bean bags! Take them back to where they come from. Please, just hear me out. Do you remember last year when I went back to college for a week? Yeah, I paid for the whole semester. Well, before I was unfairly kicked out of the freshman dorm for that fire, I learned that every kid comes with two things A mini- fridge and bean bag chairs. Marvin! This isn't a get-rich-quick scheme. We sell furniture! Um, bean bag chairs are furniture. They're soft, colorful balls of furniture. How are you not getting this? Damn it, Marvin! No person wants to sit on a sack of beans. Yes, they will! Just pull up a bag and sit on it! I will never sit on a bag of beans. - Sit on the beans. - I don't want to sit on the beans! - No! Come on! - Try it! Stop it! I don't want to try it! Ease on down to comfy town. I don't want to! I just don't! (Grunts) Yes. Now let the tiny beans work their magic. Damn it! I'm stuck! The more I push, the more I sink! (Chuckles) You're doing it wrong. You got to shimmy out. Like me. Watch. I am shimmying! (Straining) You just got to do like I do. (Screams) Now I'm stuck in this horrible cloud of beans! I knew this was a bad idea! Help me! You were supposed to take this seriously! I do! But if you don't appreciate me, then I'm gonna quit. More like you're fired! Let me show you the door! Yeah, don't bother. I'll go through it myself. (Grunting wildly) Seriously? The whole yearbook's gone? How did this happen? Well, as you know, these two treat me like a child, so I composed a list of demands for when the balance of power shifted in my favor. What are you even talking about? Do you have any idea how much time I've spent working on this layout? Based on the fact that this is the yearbook, I'm gonna go with a year? Yes. And now it's all gone. Don't worry, Dana. I've literally memorized the entire school year. All I got to do is re-create the yearbook using my brain snapshots. You mean your memories? Accessing first day of school. (Inhales deeply) It was late September, Wednesday. It was snowing hard, and the Eagles were in the Super Bowl. None of that's right. Geoff Schwartz was there, and he said something funny. And we were like, "Good one, bro. " - That does sound like me. - Just forget about it. I still have the hard copy, so I'll just retype the whole thing by myself. At least let me help. No. Trust me. You've done enough. You think this was my fault? They told me "ALF" was on. I mean, puppetry, comedy, a wisecracking alien. Come on! I'm just a man. No. No, you're really not. You're actually just a child. Thanks a lot! You ruined my life. You started this when you gave us that insane list of demands. Do you even know why I wrote it? My whole life, you've treated me like some insignificant baby! I couldn't wait till I got to high school so I could be an equal. But it got worse! You respect me less! - Adam. - No! It's bad enough that you always see me as a little child, but now Jackie does, too. I hope you're happy. Jedi Master Adam's done with you two! (Snoring) Marvin? Huh? (Laughing) Oh, hey! Ho! Bev! How's it going? I was just (Clears throat) poppin' into the Wawa here to pick up some strawberry milk and get a box of California raisins. You gotta treat the body good if you want it to treat you good back. You know what I'm saying? Are you just saying a bunch of words to distract me from the fact that you're living in your car? Can't a man just have all of his worldly possessions stuffed into his DeLorean? What happened to your condo? Funny story, sad story. I had to sell it in order to get rid of my keno debt, which is a good thing because now I'm free and clear to start over fresh. Fresh?! You're homeless. I like to think of it not as home-less but as car-full. I'm actually thrilled this is happening, except for the bucket. Don't look in the bucket. Okay, you're coming home with me. You can stay in the basement until you get back on your feet. Yeah, I don't know if the Mur- Man's gonna be cool with that. Marvin, he loves you dearly. He may act all angry, but deep in his heart, he wants you to live with us. I do not want him living with us! I am saying it out loud so everyone can hear! He's got to go! No Marvin! Think you're right, Bev. He's playing it super angry, but he wants this. Ha ha! I knew this would happen! I called it. Now I got four kids living here forever and leeching off me. That's it! I am tired of you always calling me your idiot kid brother! Just once, I want you to treat me like Barry and Erica treat Adam, with a little bit of dignity and respect! The timing of this comparison is not good. That's why I'm a damaged shell of a man, Murray, because you never looked at me like I was your equal, unlike these two angels who build up their kid brother no matter what! Oh, my God. Adam's gonna be Marvin. We got to fix this. You see that? There they go, off to make a growing boy's dreams come true. Learn from them. Don't do that. Don't make me out to be the bad guy here. Right. 'Cause that's always me. Good news, Murray, you never have to worry about another kid staying in your house ever again. And so my dad's harsh words would finally drive my uncle away. (Engine sputtering) Only problem - - he was out of gas. There you go! Yeah! Whoo- hoo! Uh, I don't want to sound ungrateful here, Bevvy, but you got to put your back into it! Thanks to Barry and Erica, I had lost the yearbook and my girlfriend, or so I thought. Hey, big man. Big old man boy. Not boy. Man. Full man. I don't know what's happening, but make it stop. Look, you were right. It's not fair that we still treat you like a dumb little kid. From now on, you're no longer our nerdy baby bro. You're like a real person that matters. Well, none of that helps me get Jackie back. Lucky for you, we can help with that by doing what we do best Redeeming relationships with original song. (Fingers snap) Hit it! Dear Jackie, I really miss ya, girl It's me, Adam, the nerdiest nerd in the world Yeah, I once was a boy who liked robots and space But now I'm a man who likes smoochin' your face Anyway, Jackie, I'm so, so sorry Now come to my basement, and let's play Atari Girl, I must confess Ah, yeah I'm in complete distress My heart's in two, girl About this yearbook mess (Whispers) Forgive me. He's a man, he's a man, he's a man Adam is the man Sorry about ruining your life's work. I got to say, that was pretty well-rehearsed for how bad it was. Was it the chorus? I told them it sucked! Forget the song. (Bill Withers' "Lean on Me" plays) Fact is, if I want to be treated like an adult, I got to act like one. And that means taking real responsibility. Oh, look. Our baby brother is a baby man now. What can we do to help? How are your typing skills? Done! What's this? The yearbook Every page, every caption. It's all there. How is that even possible? First, I got my brother and sister to help. Then we got all our closest friends to retype it page by page. You did that for me? I did. And then I read it, and it was a giant mess. So I took the disk that we destroyed to a computer expert and spent all my Bar Mitzvah money to fix the tender insides of the floppy. Gotta say, I'm impressed. I did make one change, though. I made us Cutest Couple. That's a blatant abuse of power. And I'm good with it. (Chuckles) In the end, I learned the easiest way to be treated like a grown-up was to act like one. And my dad realized that, despite everything, his little brother had actually come a long way. Ooh, ooh- ooh- ooh Hey. Ooh- ooh Go away. I'm about to sit down to dinner. Here's a key. What's that? You're moving in. Well, I thought you didn't want another kid leeching off of you. You're not a kid. You're my brother. And you won't be leeching, 'cause you're paying rent. How? I don't have a job. Yeah, you do. At the store with me. Why? Why would you do that? It's time we both started believing in you. Ooh- ooh- ooh- ooh (Voice breaking) I just messed up everything. Maybe you did. But it's never too late to start over. Really? Together. Thanks, Mur. (Music Playing) That's the thing about the people you love - - no matter what, they always give you another chance. "I'm the Leia to your Han Solo. " Oh, sweet God. Don't get a big head about it. No, read what I wrote. "I'm the Han Solo to your Leia. " That's crazy, right? It's crazy. (Both laugh) Would you look at that? Our little man's all grown up. Gross. But cute. - We're kissing now. - Uh, like now now? - It's happening. - Lean on me Even though I'd always be the baby of the family, that year, my brother and sister started to see me as more of a grown-up. And even though the last thing my dad ever wanted was another kid in the house, the truth was having Uncle Marvin around wouldn't be so bad. 'Cause there's nothing better than having family to lean on. Somebody to lean on (Bell dings) Hey, Ad-Rock! Good news. I wrote another verse to help you get back with Jackie. Dude, everything's fine with us now. Please don't sing for me. Just let it happen, or he'll never leave you alone. Dear Jackie, I love you like no other But you know who's really awesome? Barry, my brother Black belt in karate, girls think he's a hottie It's like how much can you fit in one body? He's a god on Earth, an academic wiz To be Barry is divine, my words, not his I wish I could do what Big Tasty can But I'm only Adam, forever your man Girl, I must confess Barry is my idol Barry really is the best Barry is the best To know him, we are blessed Barry rules the world He's a man, he's a man, he's a man Barry is the man I wrote that song for you, girl. Copyright Big Tasty Records. (Microphone feedback)