Speakeasy Rider

Mom and Dad might not recognize us when we get back from go-karting.

'Cause our hair will be like this.

And our faces will be like this!

And our penises will be like this.

You can't see what I'm doing, but it's pretty great.

Three youth tickets, please.

Sorry, track's closed for the rest of the day. League racing.

What?! What?

But I pedaled all this way to put the pedal to the metal.

You'll have to come back another time.

Perhaps check the online calendar that I work so hard on that no one bothers to look at.

If I'm online, I'm looking at sloths.

Whoa, Mama like.

Tina: They're fast, and I'm curious.

Screw regular go-karting.

I want to do that.

Every kid wants to be in league racing. Get in line.

Okay, where's the line?

(chuckles) Funny, honey.

The only way to join the circuit is to get a kart.

No problem.

Where do we get one?

They're custom.

They cost a grand, at least.

(groaning): Ah!

I know you from somewhere. You're Bryce from Kingshead lsland, aren't you? Yep.

Oh, yeah. Remember us? Nope.

Ouch. Too bad you won't be joining the league.

It would've been fun chucking raisins at you as I blow by.

Geesh-geesh, goosh-goosh.

Tina: Ow.

Ow. Oh, my God, I hate him.

(laughs)

Hard to hate a guy who gives you raisins.

(chewing loudly)

Three burgers of the day.

Who are your pals, Teddy?

These guys are from the home brew supply shop.

I brought 'em over here to try your burgers with Teddy's Brewski.

What's Teddy's Brewski?

It's the name of my home-brewed beer. I used to call it Bucket Brew, since that's where it ferments. In a bucket.

Is it safe to drink? You know, it's just that you brewed it in a bucket. Of course it's safe.

It's alcohol.

Mmm... Mmm... Right?

Mm-hmm. Oh.

Mmm.

Aw, so cute.

Your burgers and his beer are making little belly babies.

Ew. What?

Oh, Bob.

Bob! Bob!

What what? What?

You should sell my beer!

We could be partners! What?

Teddy, I-I don't think restaurants are allowed to sell home-brewed beer.

Aw, who's gonna care?

The health inspector, the Bureau of Alcohol, the police...

So we won't get caught.

We'll run it like a speakeasy.

I'll be like Al Capone with breasts.

Come on, Bob, just taste your burger and then my beer.

Well, it's pretty hard to pair my burgers with the right beer.

Oh, my God.

Right? Huh? Oh, my God.

That's amazing.

Let's do it! It's amazing!

Let's do it!

(chuckles) Yes! (shouts)

Maybe Mom and Dad would sponsor a go-kart if it was advertising for the restaurant.

(sighs) They can't even sponsor their electric bill.

Or maybe a sponsorship would work.

Hey, Mr. Fischoeder!

I missed you. Damn.

Where have you been?

Oh, around.

How would you like to have semi-exclusive advertising rights on a go-kart that you pay for?

Me pay kids? That sounds weird.

How 'bout you pay me... that sounds better...

No. Um... Huh.

Hold on. I haven't finished.

For one of these!

A broken-down bumper car?

Perhaps you kids can turn one of these not go-karts into a very much go-kart.

Someone's sleeping back here, Mr. Fish.

(snoring)

That's our employee lounge.

Owen, wake up!

Hmm. You look like you've got something to prove.

Guys, I think this is the one.

Ooh, that's the most expensive one.

We'll give you three bucks for it.

Deal. Unless you want to make it eight dollars for a second bumper car, plus Owen, whom I will throw in for free.

What can he do?

Lord knows.

It all remains to be seen.

He's a mass of potential.

Now all we need is a lawn mower engine.

Or a steam engine.

Or a motorcycle engine.

So how much is it gonna cost us, Critter?

Aw, come on, I can't charge you guys.

Our kid was born inside your restaurant.

Plus, I think the parts will be donated, if you catch my drift.

Come on, people, let's tear this old dog apart, teach it new tricks!

♪ ♪

Half bumper car, half go-kart, all balls.

Nice.

You're gonna bump those rich kids right off the track.

And how are we on snack storage?

Chip clip right there on the side.

Chip clip! Yeah.

Now, she's gonna handle like a bumper car.

The steering's real loose, so don't be afraid to whip that wheel around real good.

Yeah, yeah. You push the pedal and the thing goes.

Wait till Bryce gets a load of this sweet ride.

What is that?

Are you jealous?

(laughs)

It doesn't sound like you are, but you will be once we race against you.

You're not gonna race against me.

What are you talking about?

I'm in A-league.

New cars start out in B-league.

You got to win your way up to A-league.

Are you kidding me? Nope.

I'm serious-ing you.

I'll be winning the Kingshead lsland Grand Prix when you're still figuring out which pedal is the gas and which is the brake.

And the big round thing in the middle that steers it?

That's your mom. Burn.

Oh, that fart with a mouth?

That's your face!

(chuckles)

Yeah, right.

Announcer: Drivers, ten minutes till the B-league race.

I guess that's us.

Let's go tear up the B-league so we can blow it out Bryce's tailpipe.

(sighs)

Here we go.

All: Wish me luck out there.

Hmm? Wait, what do you mean wish you luck?

'Cause I'm driving.

I thought I was driving.

I thought we all thought I was driving.

Oh, my God. Did we not talk about who's gonna drive?

It's obviously me.

But remember how good I was at that motorcycle arcade game?

(beeping, engine revs)

The point is to not burst into flames.

Strongly disagree.

Tina, you're not much better.

Remember what happened when you drove the car in the parking lot?

That was different.

That was dirty driving.

This is legal. Go-karting is good clean fun.

There's only one way to settle this.

Gene's hairy mole?

Gene's hairy mole.

Oh, boy. Ow. Ow. Ow!

Hold 'em up.

Yes! Uh, I mean...

(groans)

Whatever. I'm the driver. But, hey, it's all about the team.

Right, sibs?

Fair is fair, I guess.

Go team.

Yeah, Tina!

That's the spirit!

And you know what, I want you to be my water girl out there.

How does that sound?

Water girl instead of race kart driver?

(gritting teeth): Hmm, let me think about that.

Hey, when I win this race, it'll be like we all won.

Especially me.

T, give me a squirt.

You missed.

Did you do that on purpose?

No. What a crazy water bottle. Oh, whoops.

Uh, it's doing it again.

Oh, sorry. (grunting) Hey!

This is... this is crazy. (groans)

Announcer: Drivers, start your engines.

That guy can make a flag do anything he wants.

But mostly flap around.

(groans)

Come on, you hunk of junk!

Go straight! Now turn! Turn!

You call that turning?

The other way!

Pretty good, kid.

But can you Gus?

Whoa. It's beautiful!

Why is it called Gus?

It's named after me.

My name is Gus.

A lot of people think the Gus comes from the wrists.

It doesn't.

It comes from in here.

Your flask?

Yes. And the heart.

Without heart, you're just waving a flag around at the end of a little stick.

Hey, maybe you've got what it takes to be a junior-Gus-in-training.

I've waited my entire life to hear those exact words!

That bumper-kart is terrible.

We'll never win a race in that thing.

Well, we might if, you know, you drove it like Critter told us to.

What's that supposed to mean?

Maybe it's not the kart's fault you slammed into all those walls and got turned around and drove the wrong way for an embarrassing amount of time.

You think you can drive that thing? (scoffs) Be my guest.

Take a lap.

We're gonna go nice and easy.

You lead, I'll follow.

I know you want to bump into stuff but you can't.

You're a race car now.

You're all grown-up.

That's it, Mr. Speedy.

(tires screech)

See?

See what?

How I took that turn instead of crashing like you did?

Maybe I should be the one behind the wheel for Team Belcher?

Tina, hello, it was my first race, okay? Back off.

Besides, I won Gene's hairy mole fair and square.

So let's speak of this no more.

It's just, I could maybe win...

Gene's hairy mole!

I know. Gene's hairy mole.

How's it coming?

Teddy: Great.

Once I'm done here, I'm gonna bring up another batch from the basement.

Home brew in used bottles; I think we're getting good at this speakeasy thing.

And all these sipsies are getting me tipsy.

Eh, I had to hammer some of the caps back on and I used tape for a couple of 'em, but...

I don't think anyone will notice.

Uh, another "beer," please? Wink.

Another one of the beers we normally sell here?

Sure. Here you go.

Whoa! Live one!

Is he supposed to say "wink"?

Or is he just supposed to wink?

Well, we've been doing both. Oh...

Oh, God. Oh, God! Bobby, the G-men are here!

Turn the whole room around like they do in the movies!

Quick, go! Ugh, no, no. Not now.

Teddy, get out of here!

Hurry. Hurry.

Hugo!

Bob.

Ron. Bob. Ron!

Oh. What's wrong with this picture, Ron?

Uh...

There are actually customers in here!

Right.

(sniffing)

Smells... yeasty.

(sniffing)

I've never smelled this tangy... (sniffing) sour... yeast here before.

Oh, uh, well, we have started baking bread, so maybe you're smelling the yeast from that. Yeah.

And where is this yeasty bread, Bob?

Uh, we, uh... we threw it away.

It wasn't any good. No. Yeah.

Terrible, terrible.

It didn't come out, so...

I mean, it was our first batch.

You know? W-We're not...

Who are we? You know?

We're not bread experts.

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

(chuckling)

(sighs)

Bread.

Bob (loudly): Hugo, you really don't have to go down there!

Hugo: So yeasty.

Okay, you need to stop saying that word.

It's making me uncomfortable.

Oh, really?

Yeasty, yeasty, yeasty.

You know what I think, Bob?

I think the bread story is a cover for what you're really doing.

And what would that be?

You're brewing your own beer!

What?! That's crazy.

What? (chuckles)

It's crazy. Where would you get that?

Beer. Who's brewing beer?

What are... What is... what is this?

What? Who is this guy? Beer. Pfft.

You know, the only thing worse than an idiot who makes bacteria-infested home brew is a restaurant that serves it.

Well, Hugo, there's no home brew here, so are we done with the inspection?

(sniffs)

I suppose.

But know this, Bob, if I find out you are selling bacteria beer, you're going to get the triple smack-down.

Smack one: I shut you down.

Smack two: beer and wine license? Gone.

Smack three?

Tell 'em, Ron.

Uh...

You rot in hell, Bob!

Hmm.

Let's go, Ron.

And I'll be back to try that bread, Bob.

Great. 'Cause it's gonna be here, Hugo.

Hugo: Oh, great!

I'll bring my bread mouth!

So I guess this means the speakeasy's over?

Nothing's over, Teddy.

Hugo can't stop us.

All right, who knows how to bake bread?

(engines rumbling)

Flutter, flutter, flutter.

Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy.

And snap it off!

Hell of a snap-off, Gene.

Yeah, but my shimmy was shabby.

I saw you drive that monstrosity the other day.

It was impressive. Want to take a little walk and talk?

I have a proposition for you.

I'm taken.

Well, it's complicated.

Honey, if I was hitting on you, you'd know, because you'd be terrified.

Trust me, you're hitting on me.

Just come with us, please.

My name is Sasha, and this is my racing team.

Hi.

Hi.

So how'd you like to be a driver?

Oh, I can't. My sister is our team's driver.

She won the right to drive fair and square.

Gene's hairy mole. It's this thing we do with...

Oh, it's okay.

I don't need to know.

Listen, I'm not talking about you driving that thing.

I'm talking about this.

Tina: Whoa.

Eddy, our usual driver, is in detention again.

You'd be doing us a big favor if you drove the K.I.S. kart today.

"Kiss"?

No, K.I.S.

It stands for Kingshead Island Speeders.

Can I call it "kiss"?

No. Listen to me.

This is your chance to drive a real race kart, in the A-league.

But I thought you had to win your way into the A-league.

It's about the kart.

This kart is already in the A-league.

But why don't you want to drive the car yourself?

Any kid can drive.

I want to win.

You think I can win?

In A-league?

If you can get that bumper-fart around the track in 70 seconds, imagine how fast you can go in this.

(engine purring)

Wow.

You and this thing might actually have what it takes to knock Bryce off the top spot.

He deserves to be beaten, by the way.

He's a dirty driver.

We call him Not Nice Bryce.

I don't know. The bumper-kart is kind of a family project.

Oh, sure, of course, yeah.

You can just keep squirting water into your sister's mouth if you want.

(grunting) Here, I made you this last-place medal.

It's gum.

Good one, Bryce.

Joke's on you. I love old gum!

Mmm. (gags)

It's okay. He walked away.

Tina, what are you wearing?

A driver's jumpsuit.

We've been through this, okay?

Belcher Racing only has one driver, and that's me.

I know. I'm driving for the Kingshead lsland Speeders.

What?!

I call it "kiss."

How can you do that to us?!

You're like a Belcherdict-Arnold!

I was Team Belcher's best driver, but you didn't care if we won as long as you got to be the driver.

That's crazy. You're crazy.

Get out of that jumpsuit, get your water bottle and get back in the pit.

I'm never going back to the pit unless the pit is a cool diner where teens hang out.

Look, the A-league race is about to start. I got to go.

You're in A-league?!

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

They give your go-kart a little wreath if you win.

Oh, wow!

Isn't that great?

It is pretty great. Bye!

Sasha: Hi, Tina.

How are you doing? Good.

'Cause you're looking a little stiff out there, kiddo.

Who's saying this?

Sasha. I'm on the radio inside your helmet.

Oh, 'cause I thought for a second you were...

Oh, never mind. I'm not gonna tell you what I thought.

Tina, you're driving like a water girl.

Come on, cut it loose.

All right, all right, I just need to get to know the car a little, I guess. Hello.

You feel different than the bumper-kart.

But I must feel different than your old driver, 'cause I have a girl butt, or so I'm told.

I'm Tina, by the way.

Tina, I'm gonna put you on mute.

Okay.

(engine revving)

Whoa.

You did that really well.

Nice turning, wheels.

And good job, steering wheel, too.

And, uh, engine, you did your part.

Second place!

I knew it!

I knew you were a racer!

I got a little worried when you were talking to yourself and being really weird, but then you came through!

It's okay!

(laughs)

This time second, next time beat Bryce.

Louise: Tina, can you pass me a napkin?

And try not to betray it.

Louise, please pass the pepper.

And try not to crash it into the salt.

Why don't you try to remember where that pepper came from?

From here, from this apartment, from this family.

So that's where pepper comes from.

Girls, you two need to stop all this.

You're both go-kart drivers now.

And you're not even racing against each other, right?

That's right.

I'm in the A-league.

Well, I'm coming for you, T.

If I finish the season in first place in the B-league, then I get a spot in the Kingshead lsland Grand Prix.

You do?

Yup.

And that's when I get to beat you.

But you have to actually win races to finish in first place.

Maybe you didn't totally understand that.

(chuckles): Oh, keep it up.

Way ahead of you. Literally.

(growls)

Look, I know there's this rumor that Tina's a better driver, and I think you started it, but you and me are gonna work real hard, and we're gonna win some races.

♪ ♪

(Louise whoops loudly)

Ha, ha!

Looks like I'll be seeing you at the Grand Prix, sis.

And I'll be seeing you from the first place podium.

Also, I'll see you at home, and also in the car, 'cause we should probably carpool to the race.

Yup, yup, got it!

I hit the gas, and I drive away!

It's weird how you freshly baked the staleness right into them.

It's-it's an old family secret.

Another cold one, Bob.

Hey, Bob, that bun doesn't look like this bun, Bob.

You trying to screw me?

I want the fresh-baked buns.

I want the fresh-baked buns.

So, you're not using these buns on your burgers?

Suspicious. Gretchen? Move on.

We're-we're making buns for, uh, um, uh...

For what?

Uh, the buns are for...

For breakfast!

Yes.

We're gonna start breakfast now. Hmm.

Breakfast at Bob's.

I can't wait to come by and try it.

6:00 a.m. sound good?

I mean, well, we haven't really talked about when we're opening yet, so...

Okay, see you at 6:00 then.

And you better have sausages, Bob!

We'll have it!

Bob: So, this is what the kids have been up to?

I had no idea it was, like, you know, actual racing.

It is a beautiful day for racing.

Hey, want a hit?

Sure. Thanks, Crit.

Mmm, this homebrew of yours is oh so refreshing.

Your bread is, uh...

Whoop, hey, there it goes!

Got away from me there.

Sorry about that.

Uh, you-you kind of threw it.

Oh, yeah.

Right. So it didn't get away from you.

You threw it.

No, it's bad.

I was trying to spare your feelings, but if you want to address it, it's not very good bread.

No, I get it. No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess I got it right away.

I just thought... forget it.

Yeah. Unnecessary little confrontation here.

Gene, you've been oddly enthusiastic about flag waving these last couple weeks.

I thought you were just messing with me, but you were serious.

Very serious.

Then, well, there's something I want to ask you.

Oh, my God, you're dying!

I'll take over for you!

What? No, I'm not dying.

For now.

I'm not dying.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Okay.

I was gonna ask you if you wanted to flap your first grand prix.

(gasps)

I would be honored!

I'll wave your flag, Gus, but I'll never replace you.

Right, I-I know.

Just to clarify, it's only one race.

We'll see.

Guys, huddle up.

Cookie toast.

Tina, bring it home for us.

Uh, hey, Rico, these cookies are ten dollars each.

You're eating them like they're five dollars each. Sorry.

Can I have a cookie?

I'll put a cookie on the finish line.

But what if someone drives over it?

That someone will be you.

Then I can't eat it.

Ugh. Great. Bryce.

You here, me no like.

Pasta salad on your kart.

Ugh!

(laughs)

Don't you put pasta salad on my kart!

Announcer: Drivers, two minutes to the start of the Grand Prix!

I'm gonna beat you!

I'm gonna beat Tina!

I'm gonna beat all you Richie Riches!

Not likely, especially because of that.

Aw, crap.

Flick, flick.

It's a blown pump. I don't have my tools, but maybe I can rig something.

Announcer: Drivers, to the starting line!

I don't know if we're gonna make it!

We'll make it! We'll make it!

What's going on?

It looks like you have one less competitor to beat.

But I don't want to beat her this way.

Today, you beat her this way.

Tomorrow, you beat her that way.

All that matters is today you beat her this way.

Drivers, start your engines!

(grunts) There! Now you're gonna leak some oil, but you just might make it around!

Thanks, Critter.

Oh, and a wheel mighfall off.

What? What?! Nothing!

Get out of your head!

Did you fix it or not, Critter?!

Let's say I did.

Go, go, go!

(tires screeching)

Come on, bumper-kart!

Hold it together!

You got this!

How you doing out there?

Well, I'm torn between the desire to win and my love for my sister.

Forget it. Bye.

Bye.

Atta girl.

Let's beat these snobs!

Yeah! Uh-huh!

♪ Every day... ♪

(engine revving)

All right!

(whooping)

Gene, it's white flag time.

Last lap coming up!

It's now or never, Tina. Make your move!

Pass him!

Aah! Oh, come on!

Hey! That's not nice, Bryce!

Oh, I get it now.

Aah!

That's it!

(tires screeching)

What?!

So long, Bryce.

I kartly knew you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Go!

Come on, Bryce, get it together.

That's Tina and Louise out in front.

Come on, girls!

Win this thing!

Oh, my God. I assumed they'd both lose.

What if one of them wins and beats the other?

Dibs on not handling it!

Checkered flag time!

They're coming in!

Gene, do the double!

I'm not ready!

Easy, easy.

Deep breath.

Let it flow from within you.

Here they come!

(tires screeching)

Son of a bitch!

Sasha: Yes! The Grand Prix is ours!

Go Team K.I.S.

No, go Team Belcher.

Excuse me?

What are you talking about?

(thud)

Are you crazy? You're helping another team win?!

Sorry, Sasha.

It's a family thing.

(grunting)

He's Gussin'!

What are you doing?!

Helping you win!

You should win!

You're the better driver.

You should win. You worked really hard to get here.

I guess, but...

Oh, I just won.

Nice flag-waving, Gene!

I did it! I did it!

I waved that flag!

(whoops)

Yay, kids!

Yes! Yes, kids!

(whoops) Yeah, that's the way to do it!

Belchers! Belchers!

Belchers...

No one? No one.

Are you done yet, Hugo?

Look, Bob, we both know you're slinging homebrew.

And if my supervisor wasn't saying, "I'm going to fire you if you waste any more time on that case,"

I'd nail you for it.

That said... the sausages are good.

Let's go, Ron!

Hey, can I get a box for my pancake half?

Just stuff it into your mouth!

It's half a bite!

(doorbells jingle) BOB: We got to stop.

We can't keep this up.

Oh, thank God.

I'm so bloated and tired.

Somebody's gonna have to tell Teddy.

Dibs on not telling him!

Dibs on not... Damn it!

How do you talk so fast?

Tina: Vroom. Oh, good turn.

Vroom.

Tina? Tina?

You're-you're driving in your sleep again.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah.

I know it's like we both won, but maybe we both don't need to sleep with the trophy, huh?

(sighs)

Okay, one more night.

Okay, one more week.

Sweet dreams.

(making engine noises)

♪ Racing with the road ♪ ♪ Racing with the road ♪ ♪ Racing with the road ♪ ♪ Racing with the road ♪ ♪ Race ♪ ♪ Fast ♪ ♪ Race ♪ ♪ Fast ♪ ♪ Race ♪ ♪ Fast ♪ ♪ Race ♪ ♪ Fast ♪ ♪ Race... ♪