Summer Camp

Where did I put those Gun-Chucks? Look what I found! Camp Atrocious Oh it was even worse than its name. I have been wronged! Do you ever knock? I finally got the electric socks I ordered from that infomercial. Instead of warming my feet as advertised, THEY BLEW UP MY SHOES! Also, I seem to have lost my sense of smell. Let's go, Chris. OhhhCamp Atrocious? I had the best time there Seriously? It's where Chris and I met. I always thought Chris was born with you attached, like some kind of parasite. Hahaha, Elise. "I'm Elise. Blah blah blipity blah. " Anyway, Camp Atrocious was awesome. I loved it from the moment I got there. (young dan o. s. ) No! Please don't leave me here! Whatever it is you're angry about, I'm sorry! Let's just go home and talk about thi-- Hey! Well, well, well. Look at what we got here. (laughing) Get use to the ground papoose. You'll e seeing it a lot. (laughing) SUMMER CAAAAAAAMP!!! Good times. Yeah. Whee Dan, nothing in that story was in any way positive. True, but summer camp taught me valuable lessons about life. And that I will always remember. What did you do to those children? Nothing. Well, not at first. (dan v. o. ) See, before summer camp, I was a real "play by the rules" kind of kid. I went to the Camp Director. Excuse me, Mr. Tadesco? What is it? Those boys stole my backpack! Those boys belong to the Warrior Wigwam. You belong to the Papoose Pavilion. The Warrior Wigwam has the Spirit Stick, which means they're in charge. Spirit Stick? The Spirit Stick is a tradition that dates all the way back to the very beginning of Camp Atrocious. The cabin in possession of the Spirit Stick will be granted priority for all camp activities and privileges. Let the melee begin! (clapping) (cheering) (mr. tadesco v. o. ) The Warrior Wigwam won it that first week and have yet to lose it to the Papoose Pavilion. I'm not contesting the divine power of the Spirit Stick, but they stole all my stuff! My sleeping bag, my teddy bear Teddy bear? Son, you need to grow up! If you want to get your stuff back, you need to stand up for yourself. I want my stuff back. Please. (boys laughing) If you can get the Spirit Stick we'll give it back. Don't move. We're gonna get a bow and arrow from the archery range. (laughing) We better get out of here before they 'William Tell' you. Rumor is they lose a kid or two every year that way. By the way, I'm Chris. Dan. Boy, standing up for yourself is a terrible idea. Thanks for rescuing me. Actually, I just wanted the apple. The Warriors took my food. So did you get your stuff back? Not right away. See, the game was rigged. (watch beeps) Uh excuse me a minute. Watch alarm. For, uh, getting the laundry. From the garage. Talk to me. (spyboss on watch) Dancing Shadow, we have received word that an illicit submarine operation is smuggling endangered sea mammals. We need you to report to us as soon as possible. Can it wait? I'm in the middle of a story about how my husband met his best friend. (spyboss on watch o. s. ) Sure. I remember the first time we met That's weird. I don't. (spyboss on watcho. s. ) Yeah, we had your memory erased. You did? Huh. (spyboss on watch o. s. ) Anyway, come in as soon as you can. The sea mammals are counting on you, Dancing Shadow. They took everybody's stuff. That's just how it is, dude. All I wanted to do was make my parents proud by winning an award. Besides "Most Improved. " These lunatics only care about hierarchy and violence. And s'mores. I can't wait until I'm in the Warrior Wigwam. Then I can beat up the weaker kids. Now, that's the spirit I'm looking for! Lights out. Enjoy sleeping in the cold with no sleeping bags! Alright, I can't sleep without Brutus. Who wants to raid the Warrior Wigwam and get our stuff back? I'll go. Come on everyone! We can do this! Let's go! Okay, that didn't go exactly as planned. (chris v. o. ) I actually slept remarkably well that night. I told you boys that if you weren't at the Mess Hall by eight, you'd miss breakfast. We were tied up here all night. Well, live and learn. Come on, sailing starts in five minutes. All right. I have a plan to escape this no-good, rotten camp. We get hold of a boat and sail it across the lake. We'll sell the boat for bus fare home, and we're free! I don't think so, Dan. Your plan didn't work out so well last time. I'm with you, Dan. Uh, Mr. Tadesco? Will the Papooses be able to get a turn on the sailboats? Not until the Warriors are done. They have the Spirit Stick. But there's only fifteen minutes of activity time left. Whine, whine, whine. That's all you Papooses do. Attention Warriors. Off the boats, now. Throw the Papooses in the lake. Maybe the freezing water will toughen 'em up a little. Good thing the Warriors stole my backpack so I HAVE NO CLOTHES TO CHANGE INTO! Mr. Tadesco is so concerned with toughening us up that we're going to freeze to death. And you remember this experience fondly? Physical abuse and hypothermia? I'm getting to it. (dan v. o. ) It turned out that I had a natural affinity for making fires. (chris v. o. ) It's true. He saved us all from freezing that day. But the worst was yet to come Why do they get to eat first? We're the ones that missed breakfast. They have the Spirit Stick. Which means they have the power. Out of my way stupid. They ate all the food?! The last time I was this hungry I ate my Aunt Harriet's avocado face mask. Boy, she woke up quick Don't worry. We'll find food like our ancestors did. We'll hunt! Your ideas stink. I'm going to beg the Warriors for scraps instead. Guess it's you and me, Dan. (dan v. o. ) While the other campers made keychains out of their plastic string, Chris and I made snares, slings, and fishing nets. Then, we took to the woods. I'm told you can eat pine bark, if necessary. Don't eat pine bark, Chris. I have to eat something! Maybe a salad? Those leaves look good. That's poison ivy. Oh. I'm going to eat it anyway. Get a hold of yourself! Ow! That's not helping! I'm still hungry and now my face hurts! Listen to me. We will find you food. But you have to be strong. All right. There's got to be something edible around here. (young dan o. s. ) Don't even think about it! (scream) Aauughhh! Dan! I am so sorry. I thought you were a squirrel. A juicy, delicious squirrel. I am not a squirrel! Oh, my head is buzzing Wait a minute. That's not my head (young chris o. s. ) What is it? (buzzing sound) Food? Better. Hornets! Why is that better? Is this what you found? You can almost hear the screams Okay, one of us has to climb up there and cut the nest down. When you say "one of us" I would, of course, but you have this puncture-resistant quality to you. No way! You're just saying that so you don't have to-- Well, I better start climbing. Wait! Why don't we come up with a plan first? Ah, fire So easy. So rewarding. Warm, like a mother's hug. At least, how I'd imagine a mother's hug Aaannd done! I almost won the "Best Basket Weaver" award at my last camp, but there was this Guatemalan kid who did it professionally. The smoke seems to have sedated the hornets. Get up there and saw! (chris v. o. ) Amazingly, I was only stung twenty-six times. Where have you guys been? The Warriors had "Wedgie Practice" on us. Mr. Tadesco said you'd be sorry you missed it. Are all the Warriors in there? Perfect. Chris? Yup, they're mad all right. Get ready. Now! (bronson/alec o. s. ) Aahh! Ah! Ow! Wasp attack! Get to the lake! They're hornets! (angelic choir) It's the Spirit Stick! Papooses, go get your stuff back. It was my finest hour. Uh Though my triumph was short-lived. Hey, do you think they give a camp award for Most Granola Bars Eaten? It seems unlikely. You. Mr. Tadesco, I'm so glad you're here. We'd like to go to the Mess Hall now, as I believe is our right since I have the Spirit Stick? I think we need to go over the tradition of the Spirit Stick. You see, since the camp began-- Look at my face! It's swollen and ugly! Let's be fair, you weren't exactly a "looker" before The whole point of the Spirit Stick is that it's supposed to be taken by brute force, not subterfuge or tactical superiority! You cheated-You cheated and therefore, tarnished the sanctity of the Spirit Stick. Warriors! Show the Papooses what we do to sanctity tarnishers. (dan v. o. ) Mr. Tadesco decided to invent a new group activity called "Civil War Prison Camp. " Which was exactly as much fun as it sounds. You will stay in there until camp is over, in two weeks. Now I'm never going to win a camp award to show my parents. Unless they have a "Most Incarcerated. " Oh, I almost forgot. Brutus? How did you I shielded him with my body when the Warriors were thrashing us. I know he's important to you. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. And I swear, Chris, that I am going to get us out of here. And when I do, Mr. Tadesco will PAY FOR WHAT HE'S DONE TO US! Uh, Dan? Is that a scalp? No! Well, yeah, kind of. (dan v. o. ) The first three days were brutal. No food, forced to drink rainwater, exposed to the elements I'm not gonna make it Why did my parents make me go to summer camp? We only have to hold out for two weeks, and we can go home. Anyone want to sing a campfire song? (singing) Oh, mighty Camp Atrocious, where the-- Don't. I'm stuck! Just go! Get help! I'm not leaving you in the hands of these sadists. You're the best friend I've got. Really? Don't get mushy! Ow, ow, ow. Get back in there! Avenge us, boys! AVENGE US! How far do you think it is to the highway? We're not going to the highway. We're staying here. Then why did we escape? Mr. Tadesco is right about one thing: We have to stick up for ourselves. It's up to us to take him down, and this awful place with him. I can't do it alone, Chris. Are you with me? Friends for life? Friends for life. Wow. One bad decision, early on They couldn't guard everything at once, so stealing a bow from the archery range was a piece of cake. Elise is really good with a bow. Oh? Did you go to summer camp? Well Kind of. Anyway, once we were armed, the next priority was food. As Napoleon said, "An army marches on its stomach. " Plus, I couldn't stand Chris's whining any more. Whoa, wait. You're not going to shoot him, are you? Uh No? I was just going to shoot near him. As a distraction. (whooshing sound,bonks) Well, he's distracted. One down, four to go. What's that, Brutus? Those guys are weenies and we could totally beat them up? Get him! Where'd he go?! Yoo-hoo! Looking for me? I'm gonna rip that teddy bear's head right off-- whoaaa! (young chris o. s. ) Hey. That was glue. This is poison ivy. Hope you're not allergic. Don't scratch. You'll make it worse! You came back! Hey, get me down! Uh, I'll come back for you guys. Hey! Do you know what a pinata is? The Papooses, they've escaped and they're on the warpath! What do you mean on the warpath-- This is bad. We'll let the cops deal with those little maniacs. Running to the police to solve your problems for you? Sounds like you need some "toughening up. You are in for a world of hurt. You hear me?! (young dan on phone)(chuckles) What about the others? Casualties of war! (young dan o. s. ) We're coming to get you, Mr. Tadesco! You don't scare me, punk! (young dan o. s. ) Timber! New plan: We arm ourselves and get to the highway. Muah, ha, ha! You pushed me too far, Tadesco! Reap the whirlwind! This can't be happening. I'm so scared! Man up, son. Nothing bad is going to happen. I promise you that. Now let's-- Alec? (dan's laughter echoes) Stay away from me! Attack! Ah. Now I get it. So what happened to Mr. Tadesco? I'm not sure It's a shame the Warriors never let us onto the archery range You know what? I was wrong about summer camp. I had a blast. Yeah, but now I'll never win a camp award. I wouldn't be too sure, buddy. Here. I made this for you. Thanks, Dan.