Mall of Duty

[The Rip Hardcore show is on; he is leaping through the trees] Rip: "Now, remember, Rippers, if you want to hunt down critters, use the four D's: Droppings, Disturbances, Dens and Diet." [comes across a pile of poop and smells it] "Mmm...emu droppings. And it's still warm. With a little luck and my tracking bandanna..." [puts on said bandanna] "...I'll be eating emu stew in no time." [howls] [It's revealed that Lincoln and his younger sisters are watching it] Lola: "Ew! Who is this poop sniffing weirdo?" Lincoln: "Rip Hardcore is not a weirdo, Lola. He happens to be the world's leading expert in wilderness survival." [holds up his book with such a title] "And a pretty cool guy to boot." Lola: "I'll give you a boot if you don't change it back to the "Power Hour of Princess Time"!" Lynn Sr.: "Lynn Jr., let's go! You're late for Rugby!" [Lynn comes down the stairs in her Rugby gear] Lynn: "Think fast, Dad!" [chucks her ball at her dad] "AWOO!" [runs to the car] Rita: "Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, hurry up! The school Open House started five minutes ago! Ugh, these kids. Where are they?" [Vanzilla honks and it's revealed that the aforementioned daughters are already in; Lori waves to her mom] Rita: "Oh. They're waiting for me." Lynn Sr.: "Thanks for taking care of your little sisters today, Lincoln. You're really helping us out of a jam." Rita: [looks at her watch] "We'll be back by 5:00. We are proud of you for being so responsible." [The parents leave and a commercial comes on a second later] Rip: "Hey there, Rippers. My Hardcore Mall Tour is coming to a mall near you. Today..." Robotic voiceover: "Saturday." Rip: "...I'll be signing copies of my new survival guide at..." Robotic voiceover: "The Royal Woods Mall." Lincoln: [gasps] Rip is at the Royal Woods Mall today? I gotta go get my book signed! If I'm home by 5:00, they'll never have to know. [to his younger sisters] Who wants to go to the mall?"

[The mall; the kids are waiting in line] Lana: "Ugh. Lincoln, this is lame. Can't we go do something fun?" Lincoln: "Right after we wait in this really short line to get Rip's autograph." Lucy: "Is the really short line at the end of this really long line?" [Pan-out to show the ridiculous length of the line] Lincoln: "How about we play a game? I Spy. I'll go first. I spy..." Lisa: "Somehow who is not keeping his sisters intellectually stimulated." Tough guy: [laughs] "Burn." [Lincoln glares at him] Lincoln: "How about 20 Questions? Lola, you first. Person, place, or thing?" Lola: "Person." Lincoln: [covering his baby sisters ears] "Alive or dead?" Lola: [looks at her brother, observingly] "Alive...for now. But he's pushing his luck!" Lincoln: "Okay..." [takes out his yo-yo] "...how about we take a trip around the world?" [twirls it around and slips it right on the tough guy's eye] "Oh. Sorry." [takes his yo-yo back] Lucy: "Lincoln, you've tortured us long enough. We're leaving." [The younger sisters sans Lily prepare to leave] Lincoln: [stops them] "No, wait!" Flip: "Flippees for sale! Buy one, get a second one at the exact same price!" [Lincoln goes to the Flippee stand and gets some for his sisters] Lincoln: "Okay..." [hands two to Lola and Lana] "...you two get raspberry..." [gives two to Lisa and Lily] "...you two get lime..." [gives one to Lucy] "...you get black..." [gives one to the big guy] "...and a lemon Flippee for the good-natured gentleman in back of us." [The guy takes a sip, but...] Tough guy: "This isn't lemon. It's banana." Lincoln: "Well, who doesn't love banana?" Tough guy: [breaks out in hives] "People who have banana allergies!" Lana: "I finished my Flippee! I gotta pee." Lucy: "Me too." Lola: "Me three!" Lisa: "Uh, I, too, need to see a man about a horse." Lincoln: [frantically thinking] "Uh...um..." [to the big guy] "Can you save our place while I take them to the bathroom? Please?" Tough guy: "Sure, kid. No problem." Lincoln: "Thanks. Let's go." [They all rush to the bathroom]

[They come back] Lincoln: "Thanks again." Tough guy: [stops the kids] "Excuse me? I've never seen you before! Of course, my eyes are pretty swollen from these hives, so..." Lincoln: "I'm really sorry about that." Tough guy: "Back of the line, pal!" Lincoln: "But the line's, like, twice as long now!" [The girls groan in frustration and they all go back to the increasingly long line] Lincoln: "I know this looks bad, but we'll be there before you know it." Lady: [coming by with her signed book] "Oh, yes! That two-hour wait was so worth it!" [howls] Scoots: "Two hours? Rip's my BAE, but nobody keeps Scoots waiting. I'm getting a soft pretzel." [drives off] Lucy: "Forget it, Lincoln. We're done with this line." [The train ride toots its horn, catching Lincoln's attention] Lincoln: "Yes you are!" [The little sisters are now in the train] Lincoln: "All aboard!" [gets out a quarter] "It's my treat." [puts it in the slot and the ride starts] Lola: "Lincoln, we're bored." Lincoln: [warily] "Of course you're bored. You aren't wearing your conductor hats!" [gives them each a hat which only Lily likes] Lola: "This is unsanitary." Lisa: [sarcastic] "Oh, yes. This makes all the difference." Lincoln: "Then let's go for the 20-ride special!" [puts all his quarters in the slot, causing it to shake a little, and gets back back in line and waits a really, really, really long time till he's next] "Yes! I'm next!" [to his sisters still on the train] "Hang tight, guys! I'll be right back!" [goes in nervously] Rip: "How's it going, buddy?" [gets no response from Lincoln] "I, uh, see you've got a copy of my book there. Would you like me to sign it?" [still no response] "I'll just take that." [takes Lincoln's book and signs Your mate, Rip Hardcore in it and gives it back] "Rippin' to meet ya." [Lincoln scuttles out of the book store, regains his nerves, and looks at his watch] Lincoln: "Now I just gotta grab my sisters and get home." [goes back to the train ride] "Okay, guys, now we can do whatever you..." [sees the train is gone] "Where'd they go?" [keeps calm] "Don't panic. Just follow the wheel marks." [follows them, but bumps into a janitor who is cleaning the floor with a floor sweeper] "How am I ever going to track them down?" [realizes] "Wait! Track!" [looks in the book] "How to purify urine...how to build a fire with toenails... Ah! How to track animals in the wild. With a little luck, my tracking bandanna, and the Four D's, I'll find my sisters in no time." [howls and begins his search] "Disturbances, dens, diet..." [notices something] "Oh! Droppings." [dips a half-eaten corn dog in the droppings and it disintegrates] "Just as I suspected: Lisa's chemicals. She can't be far." [The trail leads him to the appliance store that a ton of people flee in terror screaming, revealing a robot created by none other than Lisa] Lisa: "Greetings, brother. The devices in this store were highly inefficient. They only performed one task each. So I combined them into one appliance that can do anything." Appliance Robot: [showing some demos] "CRUSHED ICE? PRESSED SHIRT?" Lincoln: "Uh...where are our sisters?" Lisa: "I am uncertain. I was ejected from the train when we took a sharp turn at the sofa store. It was clearly overstimulated by the excessive quarters you fed it." Lincoln: "Come on! We have to find them!" [takes Lisa and moves out; finds another D] "Oh! Disturbances." Lisa: "What are you babbling about?" Lincoln: "Rip says..." [he quotes as a picture of Rip appears in the corner of the screen] "...you can tell if an animal has been around by a disturbance in the environment. Look!" [They look at a clothing store and find one mannequin wearing a gothic style outfit accompanied by a familiar spooky fanfare] Lincoln and Lisa: "Lucy." [Lucy is giving Flip a fortune] Flip: "Alright, little psychic girl, give me some good news." Lucy: [looking into her crystal ball] "Ohmmmm...your business will soon make a big splash." Lincoln: [grabs her] "Sorry, folks, no more fortunes today." Flip: "Sweet! A great fortune, and I don't have to pay!" [drinks his Flippee] Lincoln: "No droppings, no disturbances..." [stops] "Wait a minute. Den! Rip says..." [Rip square appears again] "...you can track a creature by finding its natural habitat." [Rip gives Lincoln a thumbs up and they notice the Princess Palace] Lincoln, Lisa and Lucy: "Lola." [They go inside and find a bunch of kids looking at Lola who is sitting on a throne] Lincoln: "Lola, playtime's over. We gotta go." Lola: "That's no way to speak to your queen! Send him to the dungeon!" [The other kids get ready to attack Lincoln] Lincoln: "Lola, wait! I just came to tell you, uh...there's another queen outside who says she's more powerful than you." Lola: "What? Well, I'll have her head!" [They charge out of the store and find nothing] Lola: "There's no one here. You lied! Well played, sir." Lincoln: "Let's move out." [The others follow while Lola stops] Lola: [to her subjects] "Take care of my kingdom!" [leaves] [They continue and Lincoln finds some bones] Lincoln: "Aha! I found another D: Diet!" Lucy: "Lincoln, that's not human food." Lincoln: "It is if the human is..." [They all notice they're right by the pet shop] Lincoln, Lisa, Lucy, and Lola: "Lana." [Lincoln enters and finds Lana in a duck pen] Lincoln: "Lana, out. Let's go." Lana: "No can do, Lincoln. I gotta keep these duck eggs warm." [The eggs hatch into ducklings; Lana comes out of the pen] Lincoln: [shakes her hand] "Congratulations." [They leave and the ducks come out of their pen] Lincoln: [looking at his watch] "Okay, we still have time to get home before Mom and Dad." Lucy: "So, we're just leaving Lily here?" Lincoln: "Gah! Lily! I totally forgot! Where is she?" Lana: "Probably still on the train. She really liked that train." [The train comes whizzing by with Lily still riding it] Lincoln: [puts his other sisters on a bench] "You guys stay here." [runs off] ''[The ducklings suddenly appear and leap into Lana's arms. The train whizzes past Scoots who is at Flip's stand with Lincoln trying to catch up]'' Lincoln: "Um, excuse me, Ms. Scoots. Could you give me a ride, please? I need to catch that train." Scoots: "Uh, that sounds like a "you" problem." Lincoln: [gets out his book] "Look, you didn't get an autograph from Rip, right? How about if I give you mine?" Scoots: "My BAE signed this? Deal!" [takes the book, gives Lincoln a helmet, puts him on and drives] "OUTTA THE WAY, MOUTH-BREATHERS!" Lily: "Choo-choo!" ''[The train goes around the mall with Scoots in hot pursuit. They catch up and Lincoln hops aboard, going one car at a time, but just as he's about to grab Lily, the engine and the cars separate and go down different paths. Lincoln uses his yo-yo as a rope to swing into the engine. They crash into many kiosks, including Flip's. Flip falls into the fountain]'' Flip: "Spooky psychic girl was right. My business did make a big splash." [Lincoln gets Lily off the train] Lola: "Good job, Linky." Lincoln: "Thanks. Well, we'd better get going." Lucy: "Wait. What happened to your signed book? Isn't that the whole reason we came here?" Lincoln: "I gave it to Scoots so she'd help me catch Lily." Lisa: [remorseful] "Oh, sorry, big brother. For reasons incomprehensible to me, I know that autograph was important to you." Lincoln: "Not as important as you guys. I never should have dragged you here in the first place. I was supposed to be responsible for you." [takes off his bandanna] "I'm sorry." Lana: "It's okay, big brother. We forgive you." Lola: [skeptical] "Ish." Lincoln: "Let's go home." [They get ready to leave] Appliance Robot: "May I come with?" Lisa: "Negatory. Your services are needed more here than in my home. This mall requires a thorough clean-up. Make me proud." [She leaves and the robot gets to work]

[Back home, the kids are doing what they did before they left as if nothing happened, and their parents and older sisters return] Rita: "Hey, guys. We're home." Lynn Sr.: "Lincoln, guess what? We stopped at the mall, and Rip Hardcore was there signing books! We know you're a big fan, so we got you one." [gives Lincoln an autographed book] [Lincoln opens it up and finds the autograph there] Rita: "A little thank you for helping us out today. It's so great that we can count on you." Lincoln: [guilty] "Actually, I have to tell you something. The truth is-" Lana: [shuts him up] "He let us jump on the bed." Lucy: "But only because we kept bugging him." Lisa: "Lincoln was a top-rate babysitter." Lola: "I give him a 9 out of 10." Lynn Sr.: [chuckles] "I think we can live with that." [The parents leave] Lincoln: "What'd ya do that for?" Lana: "That was my little thank you for letting us keep the ducklings." Lincoln: [aghast] "Wait, what?!" [Lucy, Lola, and Lisa each hold up a duckling, showing that they came with them and mama Lana]