Tell My Mom

[''All four hippos are eatting the white marbles, the orange hippo eats until the marbles are all gone. He throws them all back up. The green hippo eats some of them, the other three hippos look at him oddly.]''

Green Hippo: N-not ok? Is that not ok?

(SPONGEBOB and SANDY CHEEKS are standing in his pineapple home.)

SPONGEBOB: But How can you be pregnant? You said you had a sponge in your...Oh, you meant me...

Boy: Gee Casper, I wish we can play with you forever.

Casper: (holding up a bottle of poison) You can!

(Billy Joel and Davy are at a bar drinking beer.)

Billy Joel: Hey, there. I'm Billy. Billy Joel. What's your name?

Davy: Davy.

Billy Joel: And what do you do?

Davy: I'm in the navy.

Billy Joel: How long will you do that, do you think?

Davy: Uh, probably for life.

Billy Joel: Cool. "Davy" rhymes with "navy." That's convenient.

Davy: What?! You'd better not use me in a song, man! I'm on the run from a lot of creditors!

Billy Joel: No problem, Davy.

(Billy Joel prepares to leave when he hits Davy in the head with his bottle of alcohol. Cut to Billy Joel tossing Davy's body into the sea from a pier with a bar on it.)

Billy Joel: I have absorbed your story, my friend. As the Ancients ate the hearts of lions to gain their strengths! You are one with the Joel now! One with the Joel!

Lightning and thunder crashes as Billy Joel laughs evilly. A caption then appears saying "Billy Joel's single Piano Man was an international smash hit in 1974." Another caption appears that says "Today it is most downloaded iTunes song." A final caption appears and says "Davy's body was never recovered."

Sketch ends

Annie: Leapin' lizards Molly! It sure is a hard knock life--

Molly (interrupting): Actually we're very lucky Annie.

Annie: Being an orphan sure don't feel lucky.

Molly: Then try being an orphan in the Phillipines where hundreds of thousands of orphans are forced into prostitution thanks to sex tourism. In Africa, AIDS has created millions of orphans who won't live to see puberty.

Annie: Well...I sure don't like that mean ol' Miss Hannigan--!

Molly: What don't you like exactly? 3 meals a day? A warm bed? Not being HIV positive? Not perfoming fellatio on foreign business men?

Annie: (silent, taken aback)

Molly: That's what you don't like?

Annie: Uhh...I think I'm gonna go sweep over there for a while Molly.

(Annie walks to her right to where Pepper is washing clothes in a bucket.)

Annie: Gee, Pepper! Miss Hannigan sure is mean!

Pepper: Yeah! I hate that bitch!

TIME JUMP: 6 months later

Daddy Warbucks: We sure had a grand adventure Annie! Your quick wits and spunky can-do spirit saved us all! Is there anything my limitless power and billions of dollars can do for you?

Molly's voice: Overseas orphans! Fellatio on foreign business men! HIV and AIDS!

Annie: Hmm...nope!

Prince: Ahoy!

Princess: Is that my prince? Oh, I knew you'd save me!

Prince: Stand back, my love. We will soon be together.

Princess: It won't be long now before my prince takes me in his arms and-

(Princess is hit in the back of the head by the prince's hook which makes her smash into a birdcage)

Princess: Careful, my prince. You almost- (The prince throws his hook again and it attaches to the Princess's dress and drags her to the window)

(The hook is thrown in again, but hits the chandelier and shatters it's glass. The shards fall onto the princess and stabs her eyes; making her blind)

Princess: Aaaahhh!!! It's raining glass! I'm blind! Please stop throwing the hook!

(The hook hits her in the head)

(The hook then is hooked to her clothing dresser)

Princess: Is that you, my prince?

(The dresser falls onto her, smashing her and killing her. Her blood spills everywhere)

Prince: I'm coming, my dear! *grunt* Ah-hah! Now hurry, my love. We don't have much ti- Oh geez! Your not even packed!

[Two thugs are harrassing an old man [McKay''] in his bar. One holds a wooden board with a nail in it.]''

Thug 1: Nice place you got here pops. You should pay us for protection, make sure nothing... (nudges McKay with the board) happens to it.

McKay: Oh, I've got a policy with All-State, so I'm in good hands.

Thug 2: Oh, yeah? You insured against this? (knocks over the jukebox he was leaning on)

McKay: Yes, that's in the policy.

Thug 1: Well now your rates will go up, right? (shoves the board in McKay's face)

McKay: Oh no! I can't afford that!

Thug 1: Ha ha ha! We'll be back for our money! Ha ha ha, big exit laugh! (both thugs leave)

Thug 2: (o.s.) Hehe, I hate small business owners!

McKay: (grabs the telephone) Hello, operator? What's the name of those war criminals turned mercenaries who get paid to protect you from criminals who want to get paid for protection? (gasps) Oh yeah! The A-Team!

[Outside McKay's bar, a big, clunky black and red van drives up erratically, knocking down garbage cans and hitting a newspaper vending box.]

McKay: How exciting! Hannibal, B.A. Baracus, and the whole team!

Handy Ball: (smoking a very long cigarrette, opening the driver's side door) Negatory on that communique, chief. Ah, your credit's not good enough for the A-Team. We are the B-Team! (hits the play button on a boom box which plays a cheap knockoff of the A-team theme song, as the other three members of the team emerge)

Handy Ball: (close-up of a muscular black man with a huge afro) G.D. "Generally Displeased" Barabus.

G.D.: Better not be riding no trains! I like drinking my apple juice!

Handy Ball: (camera pans to a stereotypical gay man with a cravat) Noah "Assman" Hathaway.

Assman: Charms and kisses from me to you!

Handy Ball: (aside) He played Boxey on the original Battlestar Galactica. (camera pans to a twitchy, spazzing man in a straight jacket) Captain F.N. "F***in' Nuts" Madlock.

Madlock: P-P-PLEASE make my memories go away!

Handy Ball: And I'm Handy Ball. Got that handle undercover in Hanoi. Don't ask why, and I won't tell.

McKay: Good golly, what is the C-Team like?

Handy Ball: Eh, a bunch of surly midgets.

''[At the thugs' garage, the two are playing cards. The B-Team's van suddenly screeches to a halt outside with its theme music blaring. The B-Team walks up to the thugs.]''

Handy Ball: Here's the deal boys: You leave town and my friend here doesn't change your zip-code to 0-0-0-my nose is broken.

G.D.: I got sympathy for that 'tard! Grrrrr!

Thug 2: Uh-uh, g-give us just a sec here.

(The thugs walk outside and close and lock the garage door.)

Handy Ball: Damn it, they tricked us!

Madlock: ''(kicks over a table and chair and screams) AAAAAH, I CAN'T TAKE IT! (he ambles around the garage, groaning and shivering)''

[The rest of the team spots a lawn mower and various power tools around the garage.]

G.D.: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Handy Ball: I love it when a plan's gonna come together eventually!

Assman: Let's do it!

G.D.: I like using big tools!

''[With their theme song playing, Handy Ball picks up a saw, G.D. a blowtorch, and Assman a chainsaw. Madlock comes back on-screen with a rope wrapped around him, smiling and twitching. They are ready to plot their escape.]''

Title Card: [12 hours later]

''[Two cops open the garage with black gas billowing out, causing both of them to cough. Handy Ball, G.D., and Assman are lying on a crude construction of theirs, dead.]''

Cop 1: (coughs) Dead from carbon monoxide.

Cop 2: Oh! (Madlock suddenly swings into view and bumps into the cop, having hanged himself on the rope) Oh my gosh! This is the worst thing I've seen since that old bar owner was beaten to death earlier today.

Cop 1: Hey, check this out. (presses play on the B-Team's boom box, and the two cops dance to the theme song)

Cop 2: Ooh. Take the tape.

(Channel Flip)

[outside shot of Davey drowning in the bay, cuts to inside where Billy Joel is singing his song.]

BILLY JOEL: Pete is a real estate novelist.

PETE [while typing on his laptop]: Hey, that’s me!

BILLY JOEL: That’s a cute way of saying “Pete’s broke.”

[PETE looks upset.]

BILLY JOEL: I’ll laugh at his life while I’m humping his wife,

PETE: Sheila?!

BILLY JOEL: Cause Pete’s tiny shlong is a joke.

[PETE looks horrified.]

BILLY JOEL: ''My piano, it sounds like God’s symphony! And my microphone smells like the poor.''

[A man puts money in BILLY’S tip jar.]

They put bread in my cup and their lives all suck.

If I quit this gig, they lose all interest in living, since life would have no meaning,

And they’d blow their brains out on to the floor.

[The crowd begins to boo.]

La, da, di, da, da!

[BILLY pulls out a gun while singing and the crowd falls silent.]

La, di, di, dolly da!

''Down on your knees! I'm the Piano God! Pray to the songs that I’ve sung!''

''Tell me I’m too good to work here! Then put my balls right on your tongue!''

[The song ends with a shot of BILLY smiling.]

[outside the bar, BILLY counts his “earnings”.]

BILLY JOEL: Great. All singles.

PETE [offscreen in a creepy voice]: Hey Joel!

'[PETE comes up from behind and stabs BILLY repeatedly until BILLY finally falls over dead. PETE wipes his brow and sighs happily. PETE’S phone rings and he answers, also happily.]'

PETE’S AGENT: Pete? This is your agent! The publishers loved your novel! Time to quit the real estate biz, brother! Oh, by the way, the hospital called, and your wife died of crotch rot. Sorry, man.

'[PETE closes his phone. The shot switches to overhead as PETE looks to the sky and yells:]'

PETE: POETIC JUSTICE!!!!!

[Tony Stark walks into his home, only to find Nick Fury in it]

TONY STARK: Who the Hell are you?

NICK FURY: Nick Fury, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I've come to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative.

TONY STARK: At my house? In the middle of the night? And who the Hell are you? [camera pans to a burglar holding what appears to be a TV]

NICK FURY: Run, stupid!

[He and the burglar run away, knocking over Stark in the process]