The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

(Old Bilbo: Thank you. Frodo: What’s this? [Thorin walks in] Thorin: I wouldn’t have found it at all, had it not been for that mark on the door. Bilbo: Mark? There’s no mark on that door, it was painted a week ago! Gandalf: There is a mark, I’ve put it there myself. [pauses for a moment] Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins, allow me to introduce the leader of our company, Thorin Oakenshield. [looking at Bilbo] Thorin: So, this is the hobbit. Tell me, Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting? Bilbo: Pardon me? Thorin: Axe or sword, what’s your weapon of choice? Bilbo: Well, I do have some skill at conkers, if you must know. But I fail to see why that’s relevant. Thorin: I thought as much. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar. [the other dwarves laugh]
 * [first lines; old Bilbo is in Bag End and looking at old relics from his adventures]
 * Old Bilbo: [voice over] My dear Frodo, you asked me once if I had told you everything there was to know about my adventures. And while I can honestly say I have told you the truth, I may not have told you all of it. I am old now Frodo. I’m not the same hobbit I once was. I think it is time for you to know what really happened.
 * [old Bilbo begins writing about his adventures]
 * Old Bilbo: [voice over] It began long ago in a land far away to the East. The like of which you will not find in the world today.
 * [cut to map showing the city of Dale]
 * Old Bilbo: [voice over] There was the city of Dale. Its markets known far and wide, full of the bounties of vine and vale, peaceful and prosperous. For this city lay before the doors of the greatest kingdom in Middle-Earth, Erebor. Stronghold of Thror, king under the mountain. The mightiest of the dwarf lords. Thror ruled with utter surety, never doubting his house would endure, for his line lay secure in the lives of his son and grandson. Ah, Frodo. Erebor. Built deep within the mountain itself, the beauty of this fortress city was legend. Its wealth lay in the earth, in precious gems hewn from rock, and in great seams of gold running like rivers through stone. The skill of the dwarves was unequaled. Fashioning objects of great beauty, out of diamond, emerald, ruby and sapphire. Ever they delved deeper down into the dark, and that is where they found it. The heart of the mountain, the Arkenstone. Thror named it the king’s jewel. He took it as a sign, a sign that his right to rule was divine. All would pay homage to him. Even the great Elven king, Thranduil. But the years of peace and plenty were not to last. Slowly the days turned sour, and the watchful nights closed in.
 * [Thorin watches his father, Thror growing obsessed with the gold he’s gathered in his castle]
 * Old Bilbo: [voice over] Thror’s love of gold had grown too fierce. A sickness had begun to grow within him. It was a sickness of the mind. And where sickness thrives bad things will follow. The first they heard was a noise like a hurricane, coming down from the North. The pines on the mountain creaked and cracked in the hot dry wind.
 * Thorin: Balin, sound the alarm. Call out the guards, do it now!
 * Balin: What is it?
 * Thorin: Dragon.
 * [Thorin turns, runs inside and shouts out the warning]
 * Thorin: Dragon!
 * Old Bilbo: [voice over] He was a Firedrake from the North.
 * [Smaug starts attacking Erebor by breathing fire everywhere]
 * Old Bilbo: [voice over] Smaug had come!
 * [Smaug starts destroying the city of Dale]
 * Old Bilbo: [voice over] Such wanton death was dealt that day, for this city of men was nothing to Smaug. His eye was set on another prize. For dragons covet gold with a dark and fierce desire.
 * [as Smaug starts attacking Erebor, Thror takes the Arkenstone and makes a run for it, then he sees Smaug finding all the hidden gold]
 * Thror: No!
 * [Thorin finds Thror and grabs a hold of him, dragging him away from the scene]
 * Old Bilbo: [voice over] Erebor was lost. For a dragon will guard his plunder as long as he lives.
 * [as everyone left in Erebor is making a run for it]
 * Thorin: Run for your lives!
 * [to the Elves who are watching from a distance]
 * Thorin: Help us!
 * [Thranduil does nothing]
 * Old Bilbo: [voice over] Thranduil would not risk the lives of his kin against the wrath of the dragon. No help came from the Elves that day. Nor any day since.
 * [Thorin watches in anger as the Elves leave]
 * Old Bilbo: [voice over] Robbed of their homeland, the dwarves of Erebor wandered the wilderness. The once mighty people brought low. The young dwarf prince took work where he could find it, laboring in the villages of men. But always, he remembered the mountain smoke beneath the moon, the trees like torches blazing bright, where he had seen dragon fire in the sky, and a city turn to ash. And he never forgave, and he never forgot.
 * [back to old Bilbo in Bag End continuing to write his story]
 * Old Bilbo: [voice over] That, my dear Frodo, is where I come in. For quite by chance, and the will of a wizard, fate decided I would become part of this tale. It began…well, it began as you might expect. In a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty wet hole full of worms and oozy smells. This was a hobbit hole. And that means good food, a warm hearth, and all the comforts of home.
 * [as Bilbo is writing his adventures down, Frodo enters the room bringing him his mail]
 * [referring to the picture of Bilbo drawn when he was young]
 * Old Bilbo: That is private. Keep your sticky paws off!
 * [Frodo tries to lean in to read from the book but Bilbo closes it]
 * Old Bilbo: It’s not ready yet.
 * Frodo: Not ready for what?
 * Old Bilbo: Reading.
 * [Bilbo flicks through his mail]
 * Old Bilbo: What on earth are these?
 * Frodo: Replies to the party invitations.
 * Old Bilbo: Ah! Good gracious! Is it today?
 * Frodo: They all say they’re coming, except for the Sackville-Bagginses, who are demanding you ask them in person.
 * Old Bilbo: Are they, indeed. Over my dead body.
 * Frodo: They’d probably find that quite agreeable. They seem to think you have tunnels overflowing with gold.
 * Old Bilbo: It was one small chest, hardly overflowing. And it still smells of troll.
 * [Bilbo starts hiding his silverware and expensive household items]
 * Frodo: What on earth are you doing?
 * Old Bilbo: Taking precautions. You know I caught her making off with the silverware once.
 * Frodo: Who?
 * Old Bilbo: Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. She had all my spoons stuffed in her pockets. Dreadful woman. Make sure you keep an eye on her after I’m… When I’m…when…
 * Frodo: When you’re…what?
 * Old Bilbo: It’s nothing. Nothing.
 * Frodo: You know, some people are beginning to wonder about you, uncle.
 * Old Bilbo: Hmm?
 * Frodo: They think you’re becoming odd.
 * Old Bilbo: Odd?
 * Frodo: Well, unsociable.
 * Old Bilbo: Unsociable, me? Nonsense. Be a good lad and put that on the gate.
 * [he gives Frodo the sign he’s just written, ‘no admittance, except on party business’, which Frodo nails onto the gate as Bilbo steps out of Bag End]
 * Frodo: Do you think he’ll come?
 * Old Bilbo: Who?
 * Frodo: Gandalf.
 * Old Bilbo: Oh, he wouldn’t miss a chance to let off his whiz poppers. He’ll give us quite a show, you’ll see.
 * Frodo: Right then. I am off.
 * Old Bilbo: Off to where?
 * Frodo: Eastfarthing woods. I’m going to surprise him.
 * Old Bilbo: Well, go on then. You don’t want to be late.
 * [Frodo runs off]
 * [Bilbo settles outside on his bench to smoke, reminiscing about his adventures]
 * Old Bilbo: [voice over] He doesn’t approve being late. Not that I ever was. In those days, I was always on time. I was entirely respectable, and nothing unexpected…ever happened.
 * [scene is cut to 60 years earlier; young Bilbo sits on the very same bench, smoking, when he is interrupted by Gandalf]
 * Bilbo: Good morning.
 * Gandalf: What do you mean? Do you mean to wish me a good morning, or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or perhaps you mean to say that you feel good on this particular morning? Or are you simply stating that this is a morning to be good on?
 * Bilbo: All of them at once, I suppose.
 * [Gandalf looks at Bilbo thoughtfully making Bilbo feel uncomfortable]
 * Bilbo: Can I help you?
 * Gandalf: It remains to be seen. I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure.
 * Bilbo: An adventure? No, I don’t imagine anyone west of Bree, would have much interest in adventures. Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things. Make you late for dinner!
 * [Bilbo gets up to collect his mail from his mailbox and awkwardly backs away]
 * Bilbo: Good morning!
 * [Bilbo turns and starts walking back towards his front door]
 * Gandalf: To think that I should have lived to be good- morninged by Belladonna Took’s son, as if I was selling buttons at the door!
 * [Bilbo turns in surprise]
 * Bilbo: Beg your pardon?
 * Gandalf: You’ve changed, and not entirely for the better, Bilbo Baggins.
 * Bilbo: I’m sorry, do I know you?
 * Gandalf: Well you know my name, although you don’t remember I belong to it. I’m Gandalf, and Gandalf means…me!
 * Bilbo: Gandalf? Not Gandalf, the wandering wizard who made such excellent fireworks? Old Took used to have them on Midsummer’s Eve! Well! I had no idea you were still in business.
 * Gandalf: And where else should I be?
 * Bilbo: Well…
 * Gandalf: Well, I’m pleased to find you remember something about me, even if it’s only my fireworks.
 * [Gandalf nods to himself]
 * Gandalf: Well that’s decided. It’ll be very good for you, and most amusing for me. I shall inform the others.
 * Bilbo: Inform the who…? What…?! No! No! No, wait.
 * [Bilbo walks up towards his front door and turns]
 * Bilbo: We do not want any adventures here, thank you. Not today, not… I suggest you try over the hill or…across the water. Good morning.
 * [he goes in closes and locks the door, he hears a noise and we see Gandalf marking his door with a rune, Bilbo looks out his window and sees Gandalf staring right back at him, Bilbo quickly looks away, he then sees Gandalf walking away]
 * [later that evening, Bilbo cooks his dinner and he’s about to start eating when he’s interrupted by his door bell ringing, he opens the door to find a dwarf standing there]
 * Dwalin: Dwalin.
 * [bowing]
 * Dwalin: At your service.
 * Bilbo: Hm. Uh…Bilbo…Baggins…at yours.
 * [Dwalin steps inside]
 * Bilbo: Do we know each other?
 * Dwalin: No. Which way, laddie? Is it down here?
 * Bilbo: Is…Is what down where?
 * Dwalin: Supper.
 * [he throws his coat at Bilbo]
 * Dwalin: He said there’d be food, and lots of it.
 * Bilbo: He…he said? Who said?
 * [Dwalin enters the kitchen, sits down helping himself to Bilbo’s supper]
 * Dwalin: Very good this. Any more?
 * Bilbo: What? Uh…oh…uh yes, yes.
 * [Bilbo brings him a plate of scones, sneaking a few off the plate for himself]
 * Bilbo: Help yourself.
 * [Dwalin starts stuffing his mouth with the scones]
 * Bilbo: Hmm. It’s just that, um…I wasn’t expecting company.
 * [as Dwalin continues to stuff his face with Bilbo’s food, the door bell rings again]
 * Dwalin: That’ll be the door.
 * [Bilbo opens the door to find another dwarf standing there]
 * Balin: Balin. At your service.
 * Bilbo: Good evening.
 * Balin: Yes. Yes, it is. Although I think it might rain later.
 * [Balin steps inside]
 * Balin: Am I late?
 * Bilbo: Late…for what?
 * [Balin notices Dwalin]
 * Balin: Ooh! Ah-hah! Evening, brother!
 * Dwalin: By my beard! You are shorter and wider than last we met.
 * Balin: Wider, not shorter. Sharp enough for both of us.
 * [they both laugh, then suddenly they headbutt each other in greeting and ignore Bilbo]
 * Bilbo: Uh…excuse me. Sorry. I hate to interrupt. Uh…but the thing is I’m not entirely sure you’re in the right house.
 * [they start raiding Bilbo’s pantry]
 * Balin: Have you eaten?
 * Bilbo: It’s not that I don’t like visitors. I…I like visitors as much as the next *hobbit. But I do like to know them before they come visiting.
 * [picking up something that looks like cheese]
 * Dwalin: What is this?
 * Balin: I don’t know. I think it’s supposed to be cheese, it’s gone blue.
 * Bilbo: The thing is, um…
 * [Dwalin and Balin continue to ignore Bilbo]
 * Dwalin: It’s riddled with mold.
 * [Dwalin throws the cheese away]
 * Bilbo: The thing is, I don’t…I don’t know either of you, not in the slightest. I don’t mean to be blunt, but I uh…but I had to speak my mind. I’m sorry.
 * [at that moment both Dwalin and Balin turn to look at Bilbo]
 * Balin: Apology accepted.
 * Bilbo: Well…
 * [Balin then turns to Dwalin and gives him his cup of ale]
 * Balin: Oh, no. Fill it up now, brother, don’t stint.
 * Dwalin: You want to get stuck in?
 * Balin: I could eat again if you insist, brother.
 * [as Dwalin and Balin continue to raid Bilbo’s pantry, there door bell rings again and Bilbo opens the door to find two dwarves standing there]
 * Fili: Fili.
 * Kili: And Kili.
 * [both bowing]
 * Fili and Kili: At your service.
 * Kili: You must be Mr. Baggins.
 * Bilbo: No! You can’t come in, you’ve come to the wrong house.
 * [Bilbo goes to shut the door but Kili stops him]
 * Kili: What?! Has it been canceled?
 * Fili: No one told us.
 * Bilbo: Can…! No, nothing’s been canceled.
 * Kili: That’s a relief.
 * [Fili and Kili let themselves in, then Fili turns and gives Bilbo swords wrapped cloth]
 * Fili: Careful with these, I just had them sharpened.
 * [referring to Bag End]
 * Kili: It’s nice, this place. Did you do it yourself?
 * Bilbo: Uh…no, it’s been in the family for years.
 * [as Kili puts his booted foot on a wooden box]
 * Bilbo: That’s my mother’s glory box, can you please not do that?
 * [Dwalin enters the room]
 * Dwalin: Fili, Ki­li, come on, give us a hand.
 * Kili: Mr. Dwalin.
 * [referring to the dining table]
 * Balin: Let’s shove this in the hole, or otherwise we’ll never get everyone in.
 * Bilbo: Ev…everyone?! How many more are there?
 * [as Fili, Kili, Dwalin and Balin are rearranging the dining room, the door bell rings again and Bilbo goes to open it]
 * Bilbo: Oh, no! No, no. There’s nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There’s far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If…if this is some blockhead’s idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in very poor taste!
 * [as Bilbo opens the door a bunch of dwarves fall through onto the floor, behind them Gandalf pokes his head through the door]
 * Bilbo: Gandalf.
 * [as the rest of the dwarves join in raiding Bilbo’s pantry]
 * Bilbo: Those are my… Excuse me, not my wine! Put that back. Put that back! Not the jam, please. Excuse me.
 * [to one of the dwarves carrying large portions of cheese]
 * Bilbo: Ex…Excuse me. A tad excessive, isn’t it? Have you got a cheese knife?
 * Bofur: A cheese knife? He eats it by the block.
 * [as he sees one of the dwarves carrying through some chairs]
 * Bilbo: No no, that’s Grandpa Mungo’s chair, no…uh, so is that. Take it back, please. Take it back, this is antique, not for sitting on. Thank you. That is a book, not a coaster. Uh…put that map down.
 * [Gandalf and the other dwarves are setting up the dining table with food and drink]
 * Dori: Excuse me, Mr. Gandalf.
 * Gandalf: Yes?
 * Dori: May I tempt you with a cup of chamomile?
 * Gandalf: Ooh, no thank you, Dori. A little red wine, for me I think.
 * [Gandalf walks through the hallway and counts the dwarves]
 * Gandalf: Uh..Fili, Kili. Uh…Oin, Gloin. Dwalin, Balin. Bifur, Bofur, Bombur. Dori, Nori.
 * [Bilbo runs after one of the dwarves carrying a small basket of tomatoes]
 * Bilbo: No, no. Not my prize winners, thank you.
 * Gandalf: Ori!
 * [Bifur comes into the room and speaks dwarvish to Gandalf]
 * Gandalf: Yes, you are quite right, Bifur. We appear to be one dwarf short.
 * Dwalin: He is late, is all. He traveled north to a meeting of our kin, he will come.
 * Dori: Mr. Gandalf?
 * Gandalf: Hmm?
 * Dori: A little glass of red wine as requested, it’s got a fruity bouquet.
 * Gandalf: Oh, cheers.
 * [takes the small glass of wine and drinks it one go]
 * [as Gandalf and the dwarves are stuffing their faces with Bilbo’s food, Bilbo turns and goes to his pantry, looking devastated when he sees that most of his food is gone]
 * Fili: Who wants an ale? There you go.
 * Oin: Let me have another drink.
 * Balin: Here you go.
 * Bofur: Hey, on the count of three! One! Two! Come!
 * [everyone drinks and then start belching and laughing]
 * [Bilbo runs after one of the dwarves]
 * Bilbo: Ex…excuse me, that is a doily, not a dish cloth.
 * Bofur: But it’s full of holes!
 * Bilbo: It’s supposed to look like that, it’s crochet.
 * Bofur: Oh, and a wonderful game it is too, if you got the balls for it.
 * Bilbo: Bebother and confusticate these dwarves!
 * Gandalf: My dear Bilbo, what on earth is the matter?
 * Bilbo: What’s the matter? I am surrounded by dwarves. What they’re doing here?
 * Gandalf: Oh, they’re quite a merry gathering, once you get used to them.
 * Bilbo: I don’t want to get used to them. Look at the state of my kitchen! There’s mud trod in the carpet, they…they’ve pillaged the pantry! I’m not even gonna tell you what they’ve done in the bathroom, they’ve all but destroyed the plumbing! I don’t understand what they’re doing in my house!
 * Ori: Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt. But what should do with my plate?
 * Fili: Here you go, Ori, give it to me.
 * [Fili throws it to Kili who throws it to another dwarf in the kitchen, they continue doing this with all the plates]
 * Bilbo: Excuse me! That’s my mother’s Westfarthing pottery, it’s over a hundred years old!
 * [the dwarves start using the cutlery to play music]
 * Bilbo: And…and, ca…can you not do that, you’ll blunt them!
 * Bofur: Ooh, d’you hear that, lads? He says we’ll blunt the knives!
 * [the dwarves start singing as they use the cutlery to make music]
 * Kili: Blunt the knives, bend the forks.
 * Fili: Smash the bottles and burn the corks.
 * Dwarves: Chip the glasses and crack the plates. That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates! Cut the cloth and tread on the fat. Leave the bones on the bedroom-mat, pour the milk on the pantry-floor, splash the wine on every door, dump the crocks in a boiling bowl, pound them up with a thumping pole. When you’ve finished, if any are whole, send them down the hall to roll!
 * [Gandalf laughs as he watches the dwarves cleaning up the dishes and cutlery as they sing]
 * Dwarves: That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates!
 * [as the dwarves laugh, Bilbo walks into the kitchen to see all his plates and cutlery have been cleaned and stacked]
 * [as the dwarves wash and stack the dishes, the door bell rings]
 * Gandalf: He’s here.
 * [Gandalf opens the door and we see Thorin]
 * Thorin: Gandalf. I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice.