The Love Jinx

1 She looks so beautiful. She's a'ight. Seasonal allergies? No, I always cry at weddings. Technically, I always cry when I'm forced to wear a dress. Please be seated. Dearly beloved, I am so happy to be invited here today to join these two people together. Joining two people? What sick games are they playing in this place? Judy, it's a metaphorical joining. He's joining them together in marriage because they're the perfect people for each other. Can't he join them somewhere more comfortable? This place can afford a pipe organ, but we can't get some seat cushions up in here? What are you complaining about? Your butt is made out of titanium. Judy's right. These seats are tough on the butt. And mine's just made out of regular tushy meat. Ernie, watch your language. We're in a church. Although truth be told, I can barely feel my right cheek. Marriage is not to be entered into lightly, but with mindfulness that this commitment is forever. You know what feels like forever? This ceremony. Dad, will you tell Judy that marriage is a beautiful part of life? Oh, I like marriage. I just don't like having to buy the happy couple a $300 toaster. This ring symbolizes your commitment to each other Why does this random dude decide that they're married? Judy, he's not a random dude. He's a kind-hearted guy who has spent his entire life dedicated to helping the community. Well, I guess that's worth the price of the toaster. Okay, so just to be clear, you're saying that that preacher was actually an agent for the Other Side. Working deep cover. That preacher was no preacher. He wasn't even ordained. That makes no sense. We've known him forever. He married us, for goodness sake. Are you sure? I would know. I was there. And I paid for it. Wait. If he wasn't ordained, then that means I now pronounce you not really husband and not really wife. I guess you may now kiss anyone you want. I keep it undercover. I keep it undercover. I cannot believe we are sitting around here like nothing even happened. Ernie apologized, we lit a match. We're all moving on with our lives. Dad, I'm talking about you not actually being married. I call a family meeting. If you were never actually married, that means our entire lives have been a lie. Our family's a sham. We are a shamily. What was your first clue? The robot sister? KC, come on, relax. We'll make it official, go down to the courthouse, and take care of it tomorrow. No, tomorrow's the deadline for my fantasy football picks. - Craig. - Yay, we're getting married tomorrow! Come on, let's go to bed. All right. Uh-uh-uh-uh. Separate rooms, okay, until you're officially married. Mom, you're gonna be in my room, Dad, you bunk with Ernie. And who's sleeping in our room? Me. My parents are getting married, I need a good night's sleep. Oh, okay, look at you, girl. Is it picture day or something? I wish I would've known. I'd have worn my fancy plaid shirt. As I have mentioned countless times, there is no such thing as a fancy plaid shirt. And I am dressed like this for after school. Where you going? Formal detention? No. I am doing inventory at the food bank, and I wanna look good. Uh, Marisa, you do know that potatoes don't have actual eyes, right? No, but Adam does, and now that we are dating and working together, I can't go in looking anything but my best. Okay. As long as the hungry get fed. The who? Oh yeah! Of course. It is all about them. Obviously. Thanks for carrying my books, Ernie. Any time, Akina. Sorry you had to carry them for a minute. I didn't like the idea of your books being inside of the boys' bathroom. So am I supposed to hug you before you get to class or when I pick you up after? Or do we hug twice? Unless it's too much, and you'd rather mix in the occasional fist bump. See you later. Later as in later later, or later as in you're breaking up with me? You're so funny. I'm not funny, I'm worried. Can I give you a little dating advice, bro? Dating advice from the famous love expert KC Cooper? Hey, maybe when you're done, you can go down to the mayor's office and help with the housing crisis. Oh, wait, you don't know anything about that either. I do know that Akina likes you. I just don't know why. So forget the craziness in your head and just enjoy it. It may never happen again. She's right. I better keep Akina happy, or I wasted a lot of money on that bicycle built for two. Really romantic spot for a wedding. Was the mortuary not available? They have to get their license. Then it's all about love and romance. In fact, where are Mom and Dad? Forget them. Where's Akina? I texted her ten minutes ago. I was afraid of this. It's all coming apart! No, you're coming apart, man. Get it together, little boy. - Where were you guys? - Food Warehouse. Let's move this along. I got 12 pounds of tilapia in the car. Yeah, we ran out of change so we only have ten minutes on the meter. Ooh, you know what? Ask those people in front if we can cut in. Guys, this is your wedding day. Can we not put a time limit on it? And Dad, what are you wearing? These are my comfy pants. No, those are sweat pants, with stains on them. Did you get a pizza at the Food Warehouse? Of course not. They were giving 'em away. Why buy it if you can try it? And he tried it six times. Brought some of my quick-change disguises. Come on, guys, this is not romantic at all. Oh, KC, would you just stop? Come on, let's just get this over with. You were right, KC. This is romantic. Next. Next!! Okay. - I object. - Excuse me. That's right, I object. I object too. Akina should be here with us. She's practically family. Guys, this is not how it's supposed to go. KC, I thought this is what you wanted. No. I want you guys to have a real wedding. A big one with dresses, and flowers and music and a real preacher, and our friends and family to be there. I don't even care if you don't wanna do it, because like you two are gonna say to each other later, I do. U Hey, Dad, I've been making arrangements for the wedding, but before I finalize anything, you have to ask Pops for Mom's hand in marriage. Why? I already got her hand, and her foot and everything in between. It's tradition. Fine. I'll shoot him an email. No need. Okay? - Pops! - Yeah? What the heck are you doing here? And howdy do to you, too. KC's saying you got an important question. Let me guess. How do you get salsa stains out of sweat pants? Because the answer is you can't. You gotta buy new pants. Go ahead, Dad. Ask Pops your important question. Fine. May I have your permission to marry Kira/ It doesn't sound like you very excited about making an honest woman of my daughter. Yeah, Dad, put down the nachos. Stand up, tuck in your shirt, do it nice. Fine. Pops. Excuse me. What did you call me? - Mr. King. - Yeah, yeah. Would you please do me the honor of giving me your daughter's hand in marriage? I don't know. I'm not sure you're the right man for her. You were sure 20 years ago. Actually, I wasn't, but I got outvoted. - Are you kidding me? - Dad. Before I answer, where do you see yourself in 20 years? Not on my knees, begging you to marry my own wife. I don't like your attitude, not-so-young man. Didn't like it then, don't like it now. I'm not sure you're good enough for my daughter. I may not be good enough, but all her clothes are already here, so can we wrap this up? Dad, you are asking for the love of your life's hand in marriage. You are not ordering a taco from a taco truck. And if he did get a taco, it'd probably just end up all over his sweatpants. Is that a yes? I don't know. I'm not sure I like the idea of my daughter marrying a spy. It's dangerous work. You better say yes, old man, or you're gonna see dangerous. Are you threatening El Dorado? Pops, just give him a break. All right, take her. She's yours. That was so romantic. Oh, man, I forgot to record it. Can you guys do that one more time? Look, my parents deserve the best wedding money can buy, but I am not paying extra for pigs in a blanket. I don't even eat the pigs. I just need the blankets. You have got to bring the cost down. No, absolutely not. Cutting the Viennese dessert table is not an option. It is a must-have. Like the fireworks and the horse-drawn carriage. Come on, give me your best price. What is the bottom line? Mm-mm, that is way too many commas. Fine. Cancel Michael BublÃ©. Wow. Planning a wedding isn't stressful at all. It's gonna be all worth it. Actually, I'm really excited about this wedding. Oh, George. George, over here. Thank you. Uh, you're now receiving your online shopping deliveries in the cafeteria? I didn't wanna be rude and do it during French class. I'm assuming that is a present for my parents' wedding. No, the invitation said no gifts. Actually, it didn't. Well, mine did. I penciled it in. This is my new outfit for work today. Adam has seen all my other clothes. I don't know how much longer me and my mom's credit card can keep this up. Here's an idea, Marisa. Don't keep it up. Either he likes you for you or he doesn't. No amount of cute outfits in the world's gonna change that. Sh. Not in front of the clothes. Marisa, there's only one way to know for sure. You're right. Tell him I'm moving to Argentina, see if he visits me during spring break. Okay, there's only two ways to know for sure. But before you ship him off to South America, let's try my idea first. Just show up to work with greasy hair, no makeup, and your plain most boring outfit. Why can't I just move to Argentina? Marisa, think of it as a test. A love test. Fine. But why is your solution to everything to take a test? Uh-uh-uh-uh. Let your man get that. For milady. Here comes the choo-choo. Thanks. I'm not hungry anymore. I gotta go stop by the library. Stop right there! Milady. Why'd you do that? So you don't get your shoes dirty. Well, I could've just walked around it, like a normal person. Anyway, call me later. Hey, Akina. It's later. So how you doing? What did those roses ever do to you? Watch and learn, Judy. I am setting the stage for the perfect proposal. Dad will say something romantic, Mom will cry, and then they'll kiss. And then I'll vomit. Just keep it off the petals. Hey, KC, what did those roses ever do to you? I am setting a romantic atmosphere for you to propose to Mom. Propose? Oh, honey, this whole wedding thing - is getting out of control. - And expensive. Hey, I cancelled Michael BublÃ©. There is nothing left to scale back on. I demand a proper proposal. Like a dog with a bone. All right, stand in the middle. Now hold hands. Hold hands, go ahead. There we go. Judy, lights to position two. All right, now, Dad, three, two, one. Dazzle us. So Kira, what do you say we Wait! You need to get down on one knee. Child, I am not getting down on one knee. If he does, he might not get back up again. Good point. - Honey, why don't you crouch a little? - For you. What is wrong with you people? I am trying to make this wedding as memorable as the first one. Please. Who remembers that day? It's all a blur. Excuse me? You don't remember our wedding day? Not really. It was a long time ago, baby. I mean, do you at least remember what you said to me after I walked down the aisle? Of course. I said, "Is that what you're wearing?" Oh. So what, this is just a big joke to you? Uh, Judy, back to one, please. You said that you would never forget that moment, but apparently, you have. Sweetie, are you gonna make a big deal outta this? Are you gonna remember it if I do? Uh, first song. You guys have not picked a first song yet. The most important day of our lives meant nothing to you. Any song will do. Anything but Michael BublÃ©. Kira, enough is enough. "Enough Is Enough. " I've never heard that one, but you know what? If you like it, I like it, too. Enough is enough? For your information, Craig, I happen to remember every detail like it happened yesterday. Baby, this is silly. You know what? If it's so silly, then why don't we just call the whole thing off? - If that's what you want, fine. - Fine! Thank you, KC. Yeah. Thanks a lot, KC. Well, he didn't say anything romantic, they didn't kiss, but she sure did cry. C. Ch Hello. Is something wrong? Oh, no. Everything is great. Except me and Adam are no longer a couple. Oh. I'm really sorry about that, Marisa. What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I took your advice. I didn't dress up for work, I didn't wash my hair, I didn't put on makeup, and I wore overalls. That's right. Overalls. What happened? He broke up with you because he thought you looked terrible? No. Worse. He told me that I have never looked cuter. And how is that a bad thing? How am I supposed to date someone who does not appreciate my fabulous sense of style, and how much work I put into looking good. It's over. Thanks a lot, KC. Thanks a lot, KC. What did I do? Thanks to you, Akina's no longer interested. And how is that my fault? You were the one who told me to act like this may never happen again. And guess what. Now it won't. Look, relax, okay? If you want my advice on how to get her back No. Keep your advice to yourself. - You're a jinx. A love jinx. - That is ridiculous. Doesn't sound ridiculous to me. You know what? There is nothing sadder than two people who blame their failed relationships on someone else. If you want my advice We don't! Stay away from her, you two. She's a love jinx. A love jinx! Hey, here's a proposal. How about you sleep on the couch? So is fighting like cats and dogs a part of romance? They're not fighting. Dad is just, you know, trying to make things unpredictable. That is how you keep romance alive. I could sleep on the kitchen counter with the disposal running, and it would still be quieter than your snoring. And Mom is just offering him some feedback on a possible health issue. Okay, who am I kidding? Ernie's right, I'm a love jinx. But you know what? I have got to fix things with my parents. Watch and learn. Mom, quick. I need your help. Twisted my ankle. Ow. A couple more "W's. " Send. Dad, Ernie's trying to cook again. - KC, I got your text. - Ernie, get away from the oven. I see your ankle's all right. Uh-uh. Guys. You need to talk to each other and work this out. I have nothing to say to this man. And this man has nothing to hear from that woman. Guys, you should not be fighting like this. This isn't you. Look, it's my fault. I got upset when I realized you guys weren't technically married, because out of all the people in the world, you guys are the perfect married couple. You're the perfect parents. I think of building a life with someone one day, and I want my marriage to be just like yours. The only reason I wanted to have this big, beautiful ceremony is 'cause I love and respect you guys so much. I just wanted you guys to have cake and dresses and a party. I wanted everything to be just like the first day you walked down the aisle. And I wanted it to mean something. It meant something the first time. The moment I saw your mother walk down that aisle, I knew in my heart I was hers forever. You gave me that little wink. You remembered. Of course I remembered. It was the best moment of my life. The moment my life truly started. That's exactly what you said that day. Oh, right. Gotcha. Kira. I have loved loving you these past 20 years, and I don't intend to ever stop. Will you marry me again? I will. See that? Dad said something romantic, and now they're kissing just like I said. Judy, are you crying? No. My orbital socket is leaking. It's a manufacturer's defect. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, against my better judgment, Heck of a turnout. Look, a guy just got arrested here. Technically, it's still a crime scene. Kira, do you take Craig to be your husband, knowing everything you already know? - Daddy. I do. - Oh. - Craig. - Yes. Do you take Kira to make you the luckiest man on Earth? I do, I definitely do. Oh. Then by the power vested in me, I pronounce you husband and wife. Uh-oh. Looks like we're gonna have to honeymoon in Luxemburg. We just got a mission. - Kids. - Bye. - Pops. - Yeah. I didn't know you were ordained. Did you do it over the internet? Ordained over the internet? No. I just repeated what people always say on TV. Then that means they're not really married. Someone grab a minister. We're moving this party to Luxemburg. Let's go. Rob, your name's on TV.