Family Fracas

Bob, we're going to miss the beginning of the movie. Plus, I'm smuggling chocolate in my pants. We got to get there before it melts. I'm gonna get it. Just a sec. Ugh! Can you roll down the windows back here? I'm starting to breathe in Tina's breath. I can't. They're broken. I think I forgot to brush this morning. Did I? (exhales loudly) Yeah. Yeah, you did. Jimmy: Hey, who am I? (imitates engine not starting) (clicks tongue rhythmically) I'm Bob's car! (laughter) Good one, J.P. Uh, not a good one, Jimmy. (engine starts, Bob laughs) Started right up. They went inside, Dad. Oh. Ugh! Start driving! Gene just took off his shoes! And my socks! Louise: Why don't you wash your children? (engine knocking, stalls) Oh, great. Can't I just take my family to a stupid movie? Dog Prom 3D is not a stupid movie! Are we gonna just leave our car there like that? That's what we're gonna do when Dad and Mom break down. Leave them by the side of the road! Hey, guys, you want to see a live TV show taping? Do I! Give me that. "Come to a taping of Family Fracas." What's Family Fracas? It's a game show where they make families do weird stuff and then dump foam all over them. I'm into weird stuff and foam. Can we go? We should go home and call a tow truck. The car's not going anywhere, Bobby. Come on, it'll be fun. Please, Dad? Please, Dad! Come on! Come on, come on. Come on. Kids: Please! Please! Oh, look! Pam's Court! I love the way she bangs that gavel. Bang! Aah!- Hey, isn't that Pam's ex-husband Chuck? Oh, my God. What's he doing here? Aah! Oh, hey, Chuck. Hello, Belchers. Long time no see since you got my show cancelled and me fired. A boobity boobity boobity boo! Hello Linda, it's nice to see you dressed again. Thank you. Yeah. Sorry about that. It... (laughs) Water under the bridge, Bob. Oh, good. Dark, dirty water. Under a horrible bridge. Um... Oh, but all is well now. You're looking at the new host of Family Fracas! Chuck, we got a problem. The Morgan family just dropped out of the show. Aah. Food poisoning. Gross! We got to find another family of five in the next ten minutes. But how the heck are we going to do that? The heck right here. Yeah! We're a family of five. No, we're not. One, two, three, four. Oh, yes we are! Harry, this is a bad idea. No idea's a bad idea. I like this guy! I... I don't know. Grand prize is a brand-new minivan. Oh! Wh... whoa! Dad, this is a no-brainer. Dad, come on! No, no. No, no, no. Bobby! If we win the minivan, we can put the car out of its misery. No. What the hell. Let's do it! No! Fantastic! Hooray for Family Fracas! Male Announcer: It's time for Family Fracas! Here's your host... Chuck Charles! (applause and cheering) Hiya, folks! Western Med... Whoa. Is that Bob? Let's welcome back the reigning champs, the O'Donnell family! And competing against the O'Donnells are the Belchers. Hi! Hi, Linda. Look. Tina's on Family Fracas. My cousin was gonna be on that show, but he didn't want to wear that outfit. I don't blame him. Belchers, introduce yourselves. Uh, well, I'm Bob, and this is my wife Linda. Don't look at my hair. I didn't know I was gonna be on TV. And this is my daughter Louise. It's Louise! * And she is gonna win. * Okay, okay, okeydoke. And that one. That's Gene. Camera, take the day off! I added ten pounds to myself! And the last one's Tina. Hi. I'm Tina. I like horses, music and boys. (whispering): Hi, boys. I'm Tina. Okay, that's more than enough. All right, let's get Frackin'! It's time for the Brain Drain! Well, it looks like these guys have lost their marbles. The first team to fill their brain with these wins the challenge. And what does the other team get? All: Foamed! That's right... foamed. On your mark, get set, go! (gasps) Are you trying to distract me by holding my hand? Huh, what? Owen, I feel it, too. But right now, we're competitors. I can't be sweet on you before I beat on you. Tina, marble me! Oh, right. Done! (buzzer sounds, Tina and Gene groan) (applause and cheering) I ate it! I ate it! Num, num, num. I like it! First team to remove all the flies from their soup wins. Losing team gets... face full of foam! All right, Mom, you ready? You pumped? Yeah! Slap my face! What? Slap it! Oh, uh... I'll slap yours. Oh, uh, I'm pumped! I'm pumped! And... go! (groaning) Done! Aha! Yeah! Foam time! (buzzer sounds) The Belchers and the O'Donnells are tied. Whoever wins the Human Claw challenge wins the whole game. (applause and cheering) I can smell that minivan. I call shotgun! I call optional third row. Ugh! The whole third row. Children, shut up, shut up, shut up! And Bob and Pat are gonna get dunked into a pit full of blue balls. The first one to find a yellow ball wins. But they have to grab the ball with their teeth. Families, you control the crane. No crane, no gain, am I right? (bell dings) I am right! (laughter) My harness is a little tight around the groin... Go! Aah! (Bob groans) (applause and cheering) Come on, Dad! Make us proud for once! (bell dinging) I got one! I got one! Dad won! Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha! Well, bash my head in with a brick. The Belchers won. We won! We won! Yah! Yes! Yay! All right! Yay, Bobby! Wow, Tina won. (speaking gibberish) Honk, honk, honk! O'Donnells, we are really sorry to see you go. You are good people. Bye, Joey and Owen! You're leaving in shame, but you played a good game. (whispering): They were terrible. And now the Belchers are gonna spin the prize wheel for a chance to win a brand-new minivan! (audience sighs and gasps) I got this. (groans) Come on, come on, come on, minivan. Oh, hey, a five-gallon bucket of Fracas foam, so you can get foamed at home. Home foam! No! Yes! It tastes good. Trust me. The Belchers will return tomorrow as the champs and have another shot at the minivan. Hey! We're coming back! That's exactly what I just said. Put your hands together for the winning family! (applause and cheering) You hear that? We're the winning family! Yes, they all hear that! I have a microphone. Congratulations to the most annoying winning family in Fracas history. We won most annoying! Yeah! Hi, Ma! You guys, this is so much better than the minivan. Mmm. Gene, stop eating that crap. You're just jealous that I have frothy diarrhea. Come on, you big idiot. (whistling) * La, la, la... Hey, Jimmy, did you happen to catch Family Fracas last night? 'Cause we were on it, and we won. Oh yeah, is that the show where the most pathetic family wins? (laughing) No, no. No, it isn't, Jimmy. Why don't you watch it tonight? I'll send you a shout out. Oh, yeah, why don't you watch this? Hey, I'm Bob! I'm on a game show! Blah, blah, blah! I... I don't want to watch that. I'm gonna change the channel with my remote that I have. Click! I'm still Bob, and I'm still on... Wait, wait, wait. Click. This channel. I just shut you off! I just shut you off... And I'm on that. So you can't say anything! Now I'm on shut off channel. I shut you off! Belchers, meet your competition... the Changs. Hey. Everybody Chang sons tonight. Oh, dear lord. Oh, my gosh, there's Pam! Hi, Pam! I mean, Your Honor. Chuck. I see you're working with these nice folks again. How fun for you! Well, I have to get to court. ♪ You're not a real judge. ♪ ♪ If anyone needs me, I'll be in my chambers. ♪ ♪ It's not chambers. ♪ It's a dressing room! ♪ I sentence you to kiss my ass! See this right here? That's your punishment! Oh, wouldn't you... ? Oh, you would love it. Oh, you would love it. You can just kiss it. Oh, I will do it. Somebody better kiss somebody's ass, or I'm gonna go crazy. Belchers and Changs are tied. Whoever wins the Human Claw takes the game. Good luck, Changs! And Belchers. But mostly Changs. (applause and cheering) And go! Yeah, Dad, grab those balls! Linda: Yeah! I got one! (bell dinging) Oh! So sorry, Joe. Bob's little rat snout found the ball first, which means the Belchers win! (whooping) All right! Did you just say rat snout? Let me at that wheel! (applause and cheering) Stay! Stay! Stay! Stay! Stay! (audience groans) Foam again?! Uh, Chuck, can I give someone a shout out? Absolutely not. Jimmy Pesto's an idiot! The end. Tough shout out. Hmm. Thanks for sharing, Bob. So glad you guys are coming back. If I could just mention my restaurant, Bob's... No, you may not. ♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ Pizza game ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Talking trash ♪ ♪ Ooh, spinning the wheel ♪ ♪ Fracas foam ♪ ♪ Get foamed at home ♪ ♪ There's Jimmy Pesto ♪ * He's so mad * ♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ Fracas foam, get foamed at home ♪ ♪ Jealous ♪ ♪ ♪ No minivan for you. ♪ Harry, please, please, please kick the Belchers off the show. You've asked me that every night this week. And what do I say? You say, "Watch this," and then, you do that thing with your hands. That's right, Chuck. Watch this. Oh, oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, whoa. Oh, oh, rounder. Oh, oh, oh. Whoa! Where we going? Opposites. (laughter) Yup. Here comes a hand. Ah, that's how you get me! You said they could be on one episode, but they keep coming back again and again. Look, it's part of the job. Richard Dawson used to kiss all the women on Family Feud. He didn't pick and choose. He just puckered up. Pucker up, Chuck. No, seriously, pucker up. Hmm. Hmm? Okay, come here. Practice on me. I'm Dawson, you're me. Okay. Mm-hmm. You're Dawson, I'm me. Okay. Mm-hmm. Yeah, just like that. Okay. Now we're both Dawson. Double Dawson. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Okay. Mm-hmm. Mmm. Okay, are we good? One more. Maybe someone else should spin the prize wheel tonight since Louise keeps landing on foam. Ooh! I thought you wanted five big buckets of foam! No. I wish you would have told me sooner, Tina! Don't worry. We'll beat the other family like we always do. And tonight, we win the van. I feel it. Jimmy: You're gonna feel your butt being spanked. That's what you're gonna feel. Jimmy?! You're on Family Fracas? Yup. I signed us up. Get ready to lose. I only count four Pestos and your bartender Trev. I told them he was the son I always wanted. What? Right on, Pops. Ha! (laughing): Oh, I see you guys have met. Jimmy, you should just leave right now, because we're unbeatable. Jimmy Pesto! Oh, you're the guy Bob called an idiot on the air. Yeah, yeah, whatever. Hmm. You hate Bob, I hate Bob. I like you. Jimmy Jr., you and I are friends and have been more than friends on one and a half occasions. If you say so. But tonight, we're competitors. I have to put aside my feelings for you. And destroy you. Whoa. You're being kind of intense, Tina. I know. I bring it. And... go! (applause and cheering) Come on Gene and Tina! Brush! Tiny circles! Tiny circles! Come on, Jay Ju! I can't believe you made me care about this. Come on! (breathing heavily) Do it, Jimmy! Go! Hey, Jimmy Jr., you missed a spot. On your face. Quit it, Tina! Gene: T! Pick up the pace! (grunting) Brush, brush, brush, brush! Done! (buzzer sounds)

(both shout) Damn it! (laughs) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa. (grunts) (grunts) You hit my eye! Here. Now we're twins again! Done! (groans) Yes! (both shout) Oh, what's the point of having twins if they can't hit each other with eggs like they were supposed to? The Belchers and Pestos are neck and neck. It's anyone's game as we head into the Human Claw! Have fun losing, Jimmy. (mocking sounds) Well said, Jimmy. Ready, set, grab that ball! (grunts) (audience cheering) We have a winner! Huh? GENE/TINA/LOUISE: No! What just happened? We lost to the Pestos. (sighs) We had a good run. And that's from a kid who hates running. (laughing) I'm so sorry, Bob. The Pestos are the new champs of Family Fracas! (Pestos cheering) Uh, can you lower me down now? We're trying! It's stuck, Bobby! Chuck, the crane is stuck. Bob, just a second. (laughs) And the Pestos win a brand-new minivan! Oh! Trev: Oh! Oh! Jimmy: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Pull! Kids, stop. Don't do that. Stop! No, no, no! (all gasp) Gene: Oh, boy. Louise: Oh, Dad. Oh! Ew! (laughter) Chuck: Oh, that's too bad. Let's give the Belchers a big Family Fracas bye-bye! Audience: Bye-bye, Belchers! Bye! What? I'm saying good-bye. I know what you're all thinking... not only did we lose to the Pestos but I also humiliated myself. Correct. I was thinking that. Well, you're right. I blew it. At least we have all this stupid foam. Aw, Bobby. I'm gonna get rid of this Fracas foam. I'm gonna flush it down the toilet. Bye. No! You can't! It's true. It says right there you can't. Oh. Hey, Dad, want a little good news? You're about to go viral. Stop! (audience gasps) Chuck: Oh, that's too bad. (laughs) His pants come off every time. Thanks a lot, guys. Thanks for helping me get past this. No problem. How did Jimmy find that ball in two seconds? It's almost impossible. Bob, stop obsessing. It's over. (groans) This is the fifth time he's circled the block. Jimmy, I get it. You won the minivan. Face it, Bob. You were destined to lose. I knew it, Chuck sure knew it. Wh... what do you mean, "Chuck sure knew it"? What does that mean? What? Nothing. I... I have a disease where I say things, you know, and it makes me drive away... Hmm. (audience cheering) We have a w... We have a w... Dad, if you watch the video in reverse your pants go back on. Thanks, Louise. I'm just watching Jimmy. It's like he knew exactly where to find the yellow ball. And I have a hunch Chuck told him where to look. Watch. (audience cheering) We... Did you see that? Yeah. Wait, what was I supposed to see? He barely fished for it. He cheated. We were wronged. Look, there are a lot of things this family's terrible at. That's true. We were really good at Family Fracas. And if we're gonna lose, I want to lose fair and square. Not because that jerk Pesto cheated. Hey, Dad, can we put a pin in this? We're running late. For what? For the Pesto's minivan. Jimmy Jr.'s having a screening of dirty dancing: Havana Nights. What? No! Didn't you hear what I just said? That's the van of a cheater! What are we supposed to do, Dad? Watch the TV here? That thing makes me sick! You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna drive down to the studio... Gene: The car's broken, Dad! Damn it! I'm gonna walk to the studio and talk to those people face-to-face! You, you, not you and you. Tina, what are you doing here? We're here for the screening. Yeah, let us in. Let's do this. Come on. I don't know, Tina. You said some pretty mean things on Family Fracas yesterday. We'll take that popcorn though. Thank you. Jimmy Jr., wait! What you saw before was my game face. This is my normal face. Let us in! Oh, you're getting a banana in your tailpipe. Oh... And I am not talking about the van. Oh! Bob: I think Jimmy Pesto cheated at the Human Claw game. Hmm. You do? Yes, and I... I think Chuck might've helped him. Hmm... Um, what's happening right now? Here's the thing, Bob. I believe you believe you were wronged. Thank you? This is big. Yes. And I could make it a lot bigger. Yes! Wait, what do you mean? I'm talking about Bob versus Chuck on Pam's Court. Um, no. I don't want to do that. How 'bout I just go to a real court with real lawyers? That costs serious dough. You don't have it. What makes you say that? Those stains, your smells, you walked here, your children, you're not wearing any jewelry. Aw, crap. All right, Pam's Court. Let's do it. All right! Congratulations, Bob. The Belchers are back on TV! You know what that rhymes with? Uh... Long lsland lced Tea. I'm gonna have one. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You have a bar in your desk? You don't have a bar in your desk? (slurping) I'm gonna leave you alone. Thank you. (slurping) (theme music plays) Pam: Order. Announcer: This is the courtroom of Judge Pam. I'll allow it. And Judge Pam has the final word. Guilty. Not guilty. We'll see you in court. Judge Pam's court. I sentence you to stay tuned. In a very special episode of Pam's Court, burger man Bob Belcher is suing Jimmy Pesto and Pam's ex-husband and new host of Family Fracas, Chuck Charles. This is the case of the Great Balls of lre. All rise. Pam's Court is now in session. You may be seated. So, someone else besides me is accusing Chuck of cheating. Mr. Belcher, you claim that Chuck helped Jimmy Pesto cheat at Family Fracas. Uh, yes, Your Honor. At the Human Claw game, which I happen to be pretty good at. Do you have any evidence to support your claim? Uh, yes, I do, Your Honor. Jimmy said Chuck, quote, "sure knew I was gonna lose." Now, I ask the court, how was Chuck so sure? Mr. Pesto, did you say this? Yeah. I said it. Aha! So he admits it! Yeah, I admit that you lost. And no one was surprised. Your Honor, the prosecution clearly has no case. I hate to agree with the defense, and also, I hate the defense and his smug face, and his misshapen pen1s. Ho-ho-ho-ho! Well, it pleased the court. The court was faking it. (laughs) I don't think so. You shut up. No, you shut up. Shut your mouth. Shut your mouth. I will jump over there, and shut it for you. Edit that out. Do you have any other evidence, Mr. Belcher? You bet he does! You got something, right? Come on, give it to 'em. Actually, I... I don't. I... I... thought, uh... that when I said that one thing he would just confess. Bobby, that's all you got? Quick! Let's call a surprise witness! Who? I call Henry Kissinger to the stand! Order! I think I have my ruling. Announcer: Will Bob's beef be settled? Lettuce find out after the break. (buzzer sounds) Bob, we're gonna lose this case. Jimmy cheated, Lin. I know it. Hey, we're on TV. We know, Tina. We're on Pam's Court. Pretty neat, huh? It's a TV show. No, we're on that TV. Hi. Wait a sec. That's it! What? And we're back in three, two... I went to my chambers and reviewed this case. Objection! You did not! You were here. You were putting on makeup the whole time. You don't even need makeup, on. Oh, thank you. Linda: You're beautiful. And that robe... Pam: You're wonderful. I'd love to see you without makeup though to be honest. Moving on! In the case of Great Balls of lre, I rule that... Bob: Wait, Your Honor! I... I have new evidence. I can prove my case. Go on. These cameras, they're always rolling. Right? Correct. A... and the same with the cameras on Family Fracas, right? Uh-oh. One of those cameras may have caught Chuck helping Jimmy cheat. The Foam Cam! Dad, the Foam Cam is on the ceiling! I never forget a camera that feeds me. Objection! Objection! Hearsay! Inadmissible... hears-say... Overruled! Bring me the Foam Cam tape. Does this mean we're gonna win? I sure hope so, Tina. Good. Psst. Your ass is grass. And I'm gonna mow it. Leave me alone! Hey, so we... can't show that tape. Oh, you did help Jimmy cheat. Shh! Yes. Yes! And I had to get rid of the Belchers. You gave me no choice. I put the ball in Jimmy's mouth. You put it in your mouth and then you kissed it into his mouth. What? No. I put it into his mouth with my hand. Huh. That's one way to do it. I'll take that. Ha! There's the evidence, idiot. Ha, you're the idiot. What do we do? I'm not gonna let the host of one of my shows lose a trial on another one of my shows. Hey! What are you doing? Whoops. Ah, Judge Pam, did you see that? Huh? See what? I saw it! The evidence must be on that tape. Which means Dad was right. Yes! What is going on with my lighter right now? It's burning this tape. What the hell? He's burning the tape! Pam? You know what to do. Right. Without any actual evidence, I have to rule in favor of the defense. Yes! Oh, yeah! Justice! (buzzer sounds) What's going on? Why are we getting foamed? This is a court show. The losers get foamed on Pam's Court. That's insane. They have foam on all their shows on this channel. Oh, no friggin' way! I want my minivan! All right, you're gonna have to sit down. (screams) Down you go. I will kick you in the jaw. I will... Just put my hand on your throat, and down you go. What're we gonna do now? Nothing. We lost. But Jimmy and Chuck cheated. Doesn't matter. We were never gonna win this case. This whole thing was fixed. Let's just go home and... and never watch any shows on Channel 13 again! Oh come on, you don't mean that. Yes I do! I might watch a little bit of Pam's Court. Just a little bit. When are we getting the car back, Dad? I don't know. The mechanic called yesterday but I never called him back. I thought we were gonna win the minivan. That van is dead to me! Look, there it is. Louise: Oh, I love it so much. Oh, problem with the van, Jimmy? What? It's nothing. Damn it! You don't know how to change a tire. Ha! You don't know how to change a tire. Hey. Who am I? "I can't change a tire and my whole family is watching me not be able to do something simple." You are mean. Yeah, Bob. Geez, Dad. What? He's the one who said it to us when our car wouldn't start. Yeah, but he was funny. He was funnier? Mm-hmm. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Mm-hmm. No, he wasn't. He kind of was. Are you... zll right, let me help. Move over. "Let me help. Move over." He just did it again! "He just did it again." He's doing it right now! "He's doing it right now." Linda: Oh, yeah, it's funny.

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