Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey

It is time. They've reached the second crucial turning point in their destiny. Their message is about to reach millions. But... we will change all that. When our mission is successful... ...no longer will the world be dominated... ...by the legacy of these two fools! No longer will we hear this: We will stop them now! Brothers and sisters... ...are we ready? - Greetings, my excellent pupils. - Station. Let's continue our study of the physics of acoustical reverberation. Meet today's most non-bogus guest speakers. Say hello to Thomas Edison. Hello there. To help us on the musical side: Johann Sebastian Bach. And Sir James Martin of Faith No More... ...founder of the Faith No More Spiritual and Theological Center. - Station! - Station! And a special treat from the 23rd century: Miss Ria Paschelle. Miss Paschelle is the inventor of the... ...statiophonicoxygeneticamp- lifiagraphiphonideliverberator. Hard to imagine the world without them, isn't it? Remember, this Friday, Ben Franklin and Aretha Franklin will be here. Saturday is the field trip to Babylonia. And very important: Do not do your homework without wearing headphones... De Nomolos. My old teacher. Rufus. My favorite pupil. - I thought you were... - Dead? No. Just in preparation. I worked within the system until I could stand it no longer. And soon... ...soon the system will never have existed. - You won't get away with it. - Time will tell. Time has told. I'll go back and change that, with the aid of my secret weapons! How's it going, dudes? Friends, friends, friends. These are automatons. Replicas only. Furnished with my agenda. Now, what is your mission? - First, we totally kill Bill and Ted. - Then we take over their lives. Then we utterly destroy them. At the Battle of the Bands, we give their speech except totally different. And thus a new future is born. A great future. Don't tell us. You programmed us. - He's totally a robot! - So are you! We're total metal heads! Shut up. Now. - What is the fuel? - Fear! - What is the engine? - Discipline! - What is the ideal? - Order! And how do we achieve it? Death to Bill and Ted! Catch you later, evil dude. I am Bill S. Preston... ...Esquire! This is Ted "Theodore" Logan! On drums and keyboards... ...celebrating their fifth year in the 20th century... ...the princesses from medieval England. Joanna and Elizabeth. And we are... ...Wyld Stallyns. You tell me you're the greatest band, but you stink. We don't understand it either. You can't sing. - The girls can play. But you guys? - Girls mature faster than guys. Plus, they started in the 15th century. What do you mean? - They're from medieval England. - Ted, shut up. Medieval England, Iowa. The Battle of the Bands is the biggest event in the area. We're talking about a $25,000 first prize... ...a two-year record deal and exposure to people in the business. We're even live on Channel 12. If you were me, would you put you guys on? No way. Since you work for Pretzels 'N' Cheese, I'll give you a shot. Excellent! But last. Midnight. By that time, everyone will be gone. That's all right. We're used to that. We cleaned out Ted's brother's junior high dance. They turned on "La Bamba" while he was playing his solo. Shut up, Ted! Guys, do yourself a favor. Prepare a little. Work on your act. Think of something. Don't worry. We won't let you down. - Dude, we gotta win. - Then we could propose to the ladies. We can't raise a family on the money from Pretzels 'N' Cheese. I'll tell Missy we're on our way. Should be a most resplendent birthday party. - Shall we, ladies? - Great, sure. So you have something else to celebrate tonight. We got into the Battle of the Bands. If we win, I'll totally pay you back your money. What if you don't win? Well, uh, I guess... - Maybe sell more blood. - Think about selling the instruments. Of course, we've always got a spot for you. Remember my friend, Colonel Oats from the Alaskan Military School? - "How's it going?" - Yeah. Splendidly. Remember... ...it's not too late for you, Ted. For either of you. For all four of you. Fresh fudge. Hi, Oatsie. Darling. - Hi, guys. - Hi, Missy. Hey, Missy. I mean, Mom. I can't believe Missy divorced your dad... ...and married mine. Shut up, Ted. - Your dad looks bad. - I know. What's next? - Maybe she'll marry you. - Then you'll be your own stepdad. You probably noticed we haven't given you our gifts yet. That's because... That's because we wanted to say... Excuse us, dude. I wrote this myself. I wrote this last night. "Elizabeth..." "Joanna... ...as I wander through this dark and Ionely forest of life..." "...surrounded by various beasts..." "...bears, vipers, squirrels..." "Not to mention barnacles and algae..." "...man-of-wars, starfish, blowfish, catfish..." Oh, no, that's freshwater. The point is, I know we promised you a better life than this. What I mean to say is, I realize when we took you out of England... ...we said the future held some really good stuff. Although stuff hasn't worked out how we thought... ...it will, we hope. The day after tomorrow, if things work out... What this is about is... - Will you...? - Marry us? - Theodore... - I'd love to. - Aim for the cat, dude! - I'm trying, Evil Ted! I'm trying! Aw, just missed! - Not bad. - Yeah, let's make it bad. We're here, dude. Is Rufus with you? One second. Looks like we lost him in the circuits of time, duder. Good. Then he's gone forever. Our first act of business: Destroy that ridiculous, insipid band! You got it, dude! Get to work. Now! Study these books well. When my mission is completed... ...this will be the new history. What a shithead. - Bye! - Bye! Drive safe! - Dude. - What? After we're married, will the girls stay with us? Yeah, our girlfriends are most chaste. - At least they're not dating our dads. - Good point, dude. - Hello? - This is Joanna. Joanna! How'd you call so fast? It's not important. This is: Elizabeth and I have decided we're quitting Wyld Stallyns. What? - Yes! - Why? You're losers and we don't want to see you again. No way! We're going to the desert to be alone. It's over. Goodbye. - I totally fooled them. - Yeah, they're completely brilliant. Not! - Let's start phase two. - Station. An incredible fortune in stones. Yet I'd trade them all for a hand phaser. Or a good solid club. Maybe we should've proposed to them sooner. How could we, Ted? We could barely afford our own apartment. This is most non-non-heinous. - What are we gonna do? - We gotta find them. Talk to them. But how? Who could that be? How's it going, Bill and Ted? Ted, it's us again. - How's it going, Bill? - Not bad, Bill. And you? Bad. We came to help in your most unfortunate situation. How? Come with us. We'll show you. Excuse us. - I got a weird feeling here. - Why? I don't know. How do we know they're really us? We've been through this before. Without the intervention of our future selves... ...would we have passed history? Or met the babes? Or had a most excellent adventure through time? Ted, if you're really me, how many fingers am I gonna hold up? Three. You're right! Let's go, guys. We'll drive. - Ted. - What? I think we're about to embark on an unprecedented expedition. - Dude. - What? I got a full-on robot chubby. Later, Evil Ted. Later. I'm cold. Hey! Can we have some heat back here? Shut up, Bill. That other you's a real jerk. I'll be more considerate to myself when I become him. He said, shut your holes! I got a very bad feeling. Out. So where are Joanna and Elizabeth? They're not here. We lied. Here's the truth, we're gonna kill you now. - No way! - Yes way, Ted. - We're programmed to do it. - And we want to do it too. You dick, Bill! - You're metal, dude! - I know. Check it out. Let's go. Bogus. We gotta do something. Dudes, even though you're doing this... ...we, we... We love you. We love you. Fags! Catch you later, Bill and Ted! Yes! I totally loogied on that good dead me! - We're fully, full-on evil robots. - Yeah! - You wanna take the van? - No, it's beat. There's a Porsche. Let's bag it. Station. Bill... ...what happened? Ted... ...we're dead, dude. - No way. - Yes way. Look. Now what? Who's that? Who are you? Ted... ...it's the Grim Reaper, dude. How's it hanging, Death? You will come with me. We can't. We gotta get back to the babes. Ted, we can't. We're dead, dude. We gotta stop these evil "usses." We gotta try. Excuse us, dude, but is there any way back? You may challenge me to a contest. But if you lose... ...you will remain here in the afterlife... ...forever. What if we win? No one has ever won. - Dude, we gotta ditch this guy. - Definitely. But how? Melvin. Excuse us, dude... ...but your shoes are untied. I can't believe we just melvined Death. Let's hope he doesn't catch up with us. No way! This isn't funny. Way to go, Joanna! I don't understand what's come over you two. You see, we used to be puss-weeds, but now we're metal. So get over here and put out! You can forget about us playing tonight. Fine. Then I guess that's that. Yeah, see you. Catch you later, babes! Ted, I have an idea. Tonight after we make De Nomolos' speech... ...let's waste them. Station. Meanwhile, let's trash this lame rathole. Stellar, Evil Ted! - Ted, we have got to stop them. - Yeah. But how? I hope this works. It worked in The Exorcist. I and III! You'll move downtown so DeLoach can take her maternity leave. Also, anyone interested in moonlighting... ...we're stepping up security for the Battle of the Bands. I hear your son's band is playing. Thanks for reminding me, sergeant. Also, Scott Frank... - So, how do we do this? - I don't know. Why don't you try something? Okay. Okay, dudes. I mean, fellow policemen... ...my son, Ted "Theodore" Logan... ...and his friend Bill Preston, Esquire... ...have been murdered and replaced by evil robots from the future. You totally did it, dude! I totally possessed my dad. Okay. You have to arrest these robots so they don't ruin everything for us. I mean, my son and Bill. And, most importantly, they don't hurt the babes. The princesses. This isn't working. - Back me up, dude. - You got it, dude. I totally believe you, dude. - Doughnuts! - Excellent! Savory cruller. - I got really hungry being dead. - Yeah! I don't think they believe us. We have to find someone who will. Catch you later, cop dudes! Ted, we can't go like this. Thanks, Dad. - Good morning. - Sergeant. Gandhi. Anne Boleyn. Aristotle. President Chester A. Arthur. Clark Gable. Charlemagne. And I would like to contact Ty Cobb. - Has this sance stuff ever worked? - No. But it will today, dude. O great spirits from the netherworld... ...leave your celestial abode and speak upon us... ...with your life lessons. I feel the spirits have arrived! How's it going... ...New Age dudes? Spirits, can you hear me? And we can see down your... It's your mom, dude! You're right! Move over, dude. Spirits, what have you to say to us? The princesses are in trouble. Ted and his most excellent friend Bill... ...were killed! - Listen to us. - Beware! O evil spirits from Hell... ...I send you back into the darkness! - What's she doing? - I don't know, but it's not good. No way! This is a totally deep hole. - Now what? - I don't know. - You wanna play 20 Questions? - Okay. I got one. Are you a mineral? Are you a tank? Good one! - Not bad! - Can we do it again? I'm working as hard as I can! No way! This is not what I expected this place to look like. We got totally lied to by our album covers, man. Who's that? Ted, who do you think it is, dude? How do we get his attention? Sign of the devil, dude! - Hey, Devil dude! - Down here! Down here, dude! Two little guys! Big dude! Down here! I kind of like this. Excellent! Let's get out of here. Ted, if I die, you can have my Megadeth collection. But, dude, we're already dead! - Well, then they're yours, dude. - Whoa! Thanks, dude. How's it going, Beelzebub? Okay. Can we go now? You may go. Thanks, dude! You know, you got a bad rap, but you're actually an okay dude! - Where are we? - I don't know. Maybe we should try one of these tunnels. - Where are we? - I don't know. Maybe we should try one of these doors. After you, dude. Now where are we? Who's that? It's Colonel Oats! No way! Gentlemen! Welcome to Hell. - No way. - What?! No way, sir? You two... ...will do whatever I tell you to do... ...from now on. Is that clear? - Yes, sir, dude! - What?! - Yes, dude, sir! - What?! Yes, sir, sir dude! Get down and give me... ...infinity. Stupid, pathetic, craven little cretins. - I can't possibly do infinity pushups! - Pitiful little morons. - Maybe we can do girls' style. - Jokers! You petty, base, bully, bullock, bugger billies. You're not strong! You're silky boys! Silk comes from the butts of Chinese worms. - We gotta get out of here. - I'll eat you up like butter cakes. Get back here! - Dude. - What? I think we're in our own personal hell. - Let's split up. - That way he can't get us so bad. What happened? Bogus! Granny S. Preston, Esquire. No way. Theodore! You made your brother cry. How about... ...a kiss... ...for your dear old granny, Bill? Come along. You stole Deacon's Easter basket. No way. This was 10 years ago! Come here! That was non, non, non... Non-heinous! Choose... ...your... ...eternity. Choose your own, you fag! You ugly, red source of all evil! Hello, girls. - Dude. - What? - Hell sucks! - Definitely! - You no-nosed salamanders! - Deac's Easter basket! Come to Oatsie! I want one right on the lips! - There's only one way out! - Right. We gotta play the Reaper! Choose your game. But if you lose... ...you will stay here in Hell... ...forever. D-1. Miss. B... ...3. Miss. C-6. Hit. - Dude... - I know. J-7. J-7... Hit. A hit. You have sunk my battleship. Excellent! - I knew he put it in the J's. - Good thinking. You must play me again. - What?! - Best two out of three. No way! Yes way. - What's he doing? - I don't know. I believe... ...Col. Mustard did it in the study with the candlestick. Sorry, Death. You lose. It was Professor Plum. - I said "Plum." - No way. You said "Mustard!" Can we go back now? Best three out of five. I don't believe this guy. - Best of seven? - Damn right! Right hand, green. Left hand, red. Right foot, green. Right foot... Well? I will... ...take you back. - You played very well. - Especially with your heavy robes. Don't patronize me. Whatever. You got a lot to learn about sportsmanship. This way. Now we can save the babes. But, Bill, how will we fight those other usses? They're totally stronger than us. And way smarter. Plus, they already killed us once. One minute, duder! If we were good human usses and we had to fight two evil robot usses... ...what would we do? - Make good robot usses? Good thinking, dude! Excuse us. - Excuse me, Death? - Oh, now what? Could you take us to someone who could help us? You have beaten me. I am at your command. Cool! This way. - Ted. - What? Don't fear the Reaper. I heard that. This is most atypical. Welcome to Heaven. I'm sure I'll enjoy it. Thank you. Through there. Welcome to Heaven. - Thank you. - You're welcome. "Only the most serene and enlightened souls shall gain audience." Dude, we're in big trouble. I think I have an idea. Wise dudes. Can we ask you a question? Right this way, please. We're in Heaven, and we just mugged three people. We better leave before we ruin it for everybody. Come on, Death. You look great, dude. You think so? You do. Shut up. - Come on, dude. - It's not funny. I can't believe I'm doing this. How did I end up in this situation? How's it going? What is the meaning of life? Every rose has its thorn Just like every night has its dawn Just like every cowboy Sings a sad, sad song Every rose has a thorn Don't I know you? No. So, God, as if you didn't know... ...we're not the three wise people you might have thought we were. We mugged three people and took their clothes. Sorry. - I'm Bill S. Preston. - I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan. Together, we are Wyld Stallyns! This lovely lady is the Grim Reaper. He brought us when we challenged him and won. First, congratulations on Earth! It's a most excellent planet. - We enjoy it on a daily basis. - Not to mention your other planets. Mars, Jupiter, Uranus. But the point is, we died. Most unfairly. But we won the chance to come back. We gotta construct something to save the women we love. And there's not a lot of time. So we were wondering... ...could you help us find somebody to help us? Station. We were thinking along the lines... ...of maybe a scientist or something. Cool. Thanks, God. Yeah. You're a just and noble creator. - We'll be going now. - Keep up the good work. Catch you later, God. Sorry. They melvined me. All right, upside-down cake! - Hey, Evil Ted. - What? We're out of dishes. Check this out. Not bad, E.T. Let me try. You totally didn't see the fan. Tell my body to get over here and get me! That's all right. I'll get you. Got your head, dude. I'm totally gonna tackle you, dude. - Touchdown for Evil Ted! - We're total headbangers. Come on. There you go. Stop wasting time. Proceed with the plan now. Okay, dude. What do you say we trash their relationships? I hate them. I hate the robot versions of them. You made us, dude. Looks like this is the place. Now all we gotta do is find that scientist. - What kind of name is Station? - I don't know. Must be some kind of future guy. Okay, how many syllables? Is it a play or a song or...? It's something big. My money's on Einstein. That's Station? Did you assume the most brilliant scientist... ...in the universe would be from Earth? Yeah. Movies? - Nine words. - Good, Mr. Franklin. Fire? Cigarettes? - Clouds, clouds. - Smoke? Butch and Sundance: The Early Years. - Death! - Sorry. Smokey and the Bandit III. Smokey is the bandit! Excuse us. Martians? First, my friend, Bill and I congratulate you... ...on a well-played round of charades. You've been referred to us... ...as the most brilliant scientists in the universe. Would you help us build good robot usses... ...to save two princesses from bad robot usses? Sounds good, Station. Let's rock, Death. - We're alive. - Yeah. But I think a buzzard was pecking at my head. Dinner's over, worm-dude. You guys okay? Where's Death? You okay, dude? I'm fine. First, we go back to town and clean up. Second, we warn the princesses. Third, we buy stuff to build good robot usses. Let's go. What? What? Here, kitty, kitty! Here, kitty, kitty! There's one, dude! Just missed, dude. Dude, we're there. Okay. I got an idea. How's it going, lady humans? Okay, this is Builders Emporium... ...a repository for electronics and robot materials. Get what you need to make metal usses. - Ready for the big night? - No! We're not going. I think you guys should stop right there. Catch you later, future wife. Evil breath! Who are you? Well, you see... Come on. - Any luck? - They're not at our place or theirs. I'll try your dad's. Maybe they went to talk to Missy. Logan residence. Evil Bill S. Preston, Esquire, speaking. It's them! They're back from the dead. We get to kill them again. Excellent! See you real soon. - But this time we're ready for you! - Yeah! We can be ready for them too. Good luck getting in the concert, losers! - Initiate the final plan. - You got it, great one. Do not fail me. Metallic buffoons. - That other me is a dick. - Yeah. I hope the Stations know what they're doing. Station! What are you doing? Dudes! This is no time to be playing games! That one's me, right? Not bad. How's it going, Good Robot Bill? How's it doing? Kate Axelrod for KJM... ... reporting live from the San Dimas Auditorium. We're rocking at the Battle of the Bands. So stay tuned and hold tight until we find out... ... who will be your winner. Ready? You're up. Where are the girls? - Hanging from the rafters. - We'll kill them at the finale. Good luck, gentlemen. Check it out. Not bad. Let's hear it for Primus! - Are they ready? - Station. Excellent work, dude. - What about me? I made the wigs. - Okay, Death. I helped do the shopping. I pushed the cart. - Do they work like we asked? - Station. You're a most excellent scientist. Plus, you got an excellently huge Martian butt. Feel free to split in two parts again and relax. Don't overlook my butt. I work out all the time. And reaping burns a lot of calories. Ready to take on those evil usses and save the babes? Fight evil usses. Save the babes. - Ready, Bill? - Ready, Ted. Let's go get 'em. And now, the last band of the evening. Wyld Stallyns! How's it going, worms? I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire! And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan! Together, we are Wyld Stallyns! Hold it right there! We're Wyld Stallyns! No, dudes. We're Wyld Stallyns! You totally killed us, you evil metal dickweeds! Yeah, and we're gonna do it again! Plus, we're gonna totally kill your girlfriends. Don't worry, babes! We'll save you. Everybody, say hello to Station's creation! Good Robot Bill and Ted! We may have met our match. Kudos to you, good human usses. - Catch you later, Bill and Ted! - Catch you later, Bill and Ted! - Elizabeth! - Theodore! - Joanna! - William! Who is that? Who are you? Who am I? I am De Nomolos. I am their master. And I must see to it that you die. But first... We are now transmitting on every channel throughout the world. My word! I want the whole universe to behold this... ... transfer of power. No longer will our future society... ... be based on the ideas and the music... ... of these two fools! They will be based on my ideas... ...and my ideas alone! How do we get out of this? There's no time. We do. After we get away from this guy... ...we time-travel back and set up the things we need to get him now. Yeah, like what? Like a sandbag. Excellent! Then we'll get a cage. My friends. I too can play the time game. If you do that, once I have vanquished you... ...I'll go back and set up this key. And another gun. Right. Only there's one thing you didn't think of. Only the winners can go back and set things up. And that's gonna be us. We set up the key, and we set up the gun. Excuse me. Your shoelaces are untied. Melvined. You're under arrest. Way to go, Dad! Book him, Danno. Good job, Death. Who was that guy? I can answer that question. Ms. Wardroe, thanks for the help. We definitely... Take it off, baby! Rufus! When did you get here? Just in time for your audition. So you were Ms. Wardroe all along. Would anyone else have let you in this contest? That was Chuck De Nomolos, my old gym teacher. And, by the way, sit-up champion of the 27th century. And now, gentlemen, I believe the stage belongs to you. Thanks, Rufus. Dude, we still don't know how to play. Maybe we ought to get good. How? That was a fast 16 months of intensive guitar training. Except for the two-week medieval honeymoon. Hello, San Dimas! Let me introduce you to a little friend. This is little Ted. Hello, little Ted! This is little Bill. Now for the rest of our band. On conga and bongos, proof that you can't tell a book by its cover... ...the dude who can make one word mean anything... ...Station! Our backup dancers... ...Station's most bodacious creations... ...the Good Robot Usses! And over here... ...our bass player, the Duke of Spooks... ...the Doc of Shocks, the Man With No Tan... ...please say hello to Death himself... ...the Grim Reaper! You might be a king Or a little street sweeper But sooner or later You dance with the Reaper Get down with your bad self! I love show business. Ladies and gentlemen... ...we've been to the past. We've been to the future. We've been all around the afterlife. And you know... The best place to be... ...is here. And the best time to be... ...is now. And all we can say is... ...let's rock! One! Two! One, two, three, four! Right good! Right good! You are go, Stallyn! Come home soon. We'll miss you.