The Parking Spot Escalation


 * Bernadette: I’m really sorry that they took Sheldon’s spot away. He shouldn't have to suffer just because Howard’s such a big deal now.
 * Amy: I know. Sheldon should just let Howard have his little moment in the sun.
 * Bernadette: What’s that supposed to mean?
 * Amy: Well, Howard’s never go to space again, but Sheldon will always be a genius.
 * Bernadette: You’re right. And I’m sure Sheldon will get a fancy parking spot again if and when he makes a worthwhile contribution to science.
 * Amy: If and when?
 * Penny: All right. Maybe we should change the subject. Amy, how are your lady parts? Still chilly down there?
 * Bernadette: Hang on. Hey. None of Sheldon’s theories have ever been definitively proven. My husband actually went to outer space.
 * Amy: That’s an impressive accomplishment. He’s now an inspiration to millions of Americans who know you don’t have to be special or even qualified to go into space.
 * Penny: You know, I remember the first time I got a bikini wax. My... my sister did it with melted  and duct tape. (Laughs) It’s a bad idea.
 * Bernadette: Gosh, Amy I’m sensing a little hostility. Is it maybe because like Sheldon’s work your sex life is also theoretical?
 * Penny: Damn!
 * Amy: Well, at least when we do make love Sheldon won’t be thinking about his MOTHER! And yes that’s a cleverly veiled reference to Howard’s lifelong obsession to crawl back into her spacious womb.
 * Penny: Anyway, to this day I still can’t see a box of crayons without crossing my legs.
 * (Bernadette throws herself off the armchair with complete anger and storms off to the doorway)
 * Bernadette: (She is absolutely fed up and cross) I don’t have to take this. (She yells at Penny and Amy with total anger) I’m going to go home and have sex with my husband right now. Maybe I’ll let him do it to me in a parking spot.
 * (Penny looks surprised and Amy just makes a horrible frown)
 * Bernadette: (yelling with very loud anger like Mrs. Wolowitz) which sounds dirty, but I didn't mean it that way.
 * (She opens Penny's apartment door with rage and leaves in a huff starting to slam it. Now there is a loud slamming door sound that is played to the scene of Penny and Amy both looking surprised at each other).


 * Sheldon: I don’t want another parking space. I want my parking space. It’s perfect. It’s a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It’s a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.


 * Sheldon: Revenge is a dish best served nude!


 * Sheldon: Well, Howard, thank you. It’s quite a gesture on your part. You've shown yourself to be the bigger man.
 * Howard: Thank you.
 * Sheldon: Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.
 * Howard: Wow, okay. Well, thanks. I don’t know what to say.
 * Sheldon: There is nothing to say. Except I’m the bigger man. I’m not kidding. Say it.
 * Raj: Just say it.
 * Howard: You’re the bigger man, Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.


 * Sheldon: What are you looking at, you stupid squirrel?


 * Sheldon: Payback. It truly is the B-word, isn't it?


 * Penny: Okay, Howard’s mother is in, like, every one of your wedding photos.
 * Bernadette: What can I tell ya? She’s a big girl. Wherever you look, there she is. (asks Penny politely) More coffee?
 * Penny: No, Leonard’s taking me to a physics lecture, and coffee'll just keep me awake. (Knock on door) Oh, I’ll get it.
 * Amy: (totally furious) Oh, looks like someone’s on Team Bernadette. Where’s Howard?
 * Bernadette: (rather worried) He’s not here. What’s wrong?
 * Amy: (Yelling angrily) He had my car towed. It cost me two hundred dollars to get it back.
 * Bernadette: (Sarcastically sweet) Oh, no. Where was it parked?
 * (Penny looks surprised at Bernadette's question)
 * Amy: In Sheldon’s spot.
 * Bernadette: (sounding rather puzzled) That doesn't make sense. Sheldon doesn’t have a spot. (asks with a sarcastic smile) Was it maybe in Howard’s spot?
 * (Penny just does another expression of 'uh, oh, they're fighting again' through her face)
 * Amy: Don’t play dumb with me, sister. You tell your husband he owes me two hundred dollars.
 * Bernadette: Well, that doesn't make sense, either.
 * Amy: Why not?
 * Bernadette: Because I’m the one who had it towed.
 * Amy: You?
 * Bernadette: (quietly and crossly) Didn't see that one coming, did ya?
 * Amy: Oh, yeah? Well, you’re not gonna see this coming.
 * (Swings handbag. Bernadette ducks. Penny is hit in the face and she screams in pain)
 * Penny: Ow! Ow!
 * Amy: Oh, my God,
 * Bernadette: (highly concerned by this) Are you okay?!
 * Penny: You idiot, what the hell do you have in there?!
 * Amy: Just my wallet, keys and a coffee can full of change I've been meaning to take to the bank.
 * Bernadette: (runs to the freezer in a panic) Don't move. I’ll get some ice.
 * Amy: Are you okay?
 * Penny: Get away from me or I swear to God I will rip out what’s left of your pubes!
 * Bernadette: (now returning with a frozen bag of peas) Here.
 * Penny: (relived but still sore) Thanks. Ah!
 * Bernadette: (asking Amy crossly) Amy, you think maybe this has gotten a little out of hand?
 * Penny: Gee, you think?!
 * Amy: I do. Penny, Bernadette and I are sorry.
 * Bernadette: (She is now mega furious with Amy) You hit her! What did I do?
 * Amy: You had my car towed.
 * Bernadette: (Yells at Amy with complete anger) You were parked in Howard’s spot.
 * Amy: (argues angrily at Bernadette) I was parked in Sheldon’s spot.
 * Bernadette: (argues back at Amy with complete rage) Sheldon doesn't have a spot.
 * Penny: Guys, I think I need to go to the emergency room.
 * Bernadette: Okay, let’s go.
 * Amy: I’ll drive. You can see where the tow truck scratched my car.
 * Bernadette: (still very angry by all of this) The tow truck didn't scratch your car.
 * Amy: How do you know?
 * Bernadette: (Yelling like Mrs. Wolowitz) 'Cause I did it!
 * (The door to Bernadette's apartment now slammed quietly).


 * Sheldon: Get off there.
 * Howard: Give me back my Iron Man helmet.
 * Sheldon: Give me back my parking space.
 * Howard: You don't need a parking space. You don't have a car.
 * Sheldon: You don't need an Iron Man helmet. You're not Iron Man.


 * Howard: If you want to check it out later, it's parked right out front. Space 294.
 * Sheldon: I'm sorry. 294?
 * Howard: Yeah.
 * Sheldon: That's my parking spot.
 * Raj: Why do you have a parking spot? You don't have car. You don't even drive.
 * Sheldon: It doesn't matter. That's my spot.
 * Leonard: Maybe they reassigned it because you never use it.
 * Sheldon: Well, I'm not using my nipples, either. Maybe they should reassign those.


 * Sheldon: Your threats are empty. Nothing can move me.


 * Leonard: Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: Cookie.
 * Leonard: I don't have any.
 * Sheldon: Well, I'm not giving it away.


 * Leonard: What are you idiots doing?
 * Sheldon: He's trying to kill me, Leonard. Video games and rock music have desensitized him to violence.
 * Howard: Would you please talk some sense into your lunatic roommate?
 * Leonard: You're both acting like lunatics. It's just a parking spot.
 * Howard: It's not just a parking spot. He can't handle the fact that I'm a bigger deal than he is now.
 * Sheldon: Oh, that's preposterous. I have been solely responsible for this university's six-loop quantum gravity calculations, I have changed the way we think about Bose-Einstein condensates, and I am also the one who got Nutter Butters in the cafeteria vending machine. Maybe you missed that news while you were floating like a goof in outer space.