Partial Terms of Endearment

(Salve Regina College 20 year reunion)

Oh, I can't wait to see all my old classmates.

This is gonna be so much fun, isn't it, Peter?

Oh, sure, it's a blast being in a room full of people you don't know.

Rather stay home and watch grass grow.

Come on you, come on.

Hey, Peter.

Hey, Joe.

Dammit.

You are not uncomfortable, are you?

Look, I'm just not wild about the idea of running into anybody you used to date, that's all.

Oh boy, speaking of exes, here comes one now.

Oh man, this is what I was afraid of.

If he tries anything while I'm standing here, I'm gonna kick him right in the ball...gina.

Peter, this is Naomi.

Wait, you mean, you two used to, you know, bump japanese cartoon monkey logo mouth.

Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college.

No way, my wife messed around with another chick.

Thank you, God.

Don't mention it, Peter.

God. He knows what turns you on!

Have fun.

Naomi, I'm so glad you're here.

I haven't see you in... what, twenty years.

Oh, it's great to see you too, Lois. It really is.

You know, the fact is I came here hoping to run into you.

Really? Well, that's nice.

You see, I'd like to propose something to you and your husband.

Oh my god.

I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming right now.

Of course, Naomi, what do you have in mind?

Well, this really isn't a place to discuss it.

It's just something I was wondering if you and your husband would participate in.

I'm totally dreaming right now.

Well, as long as I'm dreaming I might as well pee my pants.

Well, Naomi, whatever it is, I'm sure we'd be happy to help.

Oh my god, I don't believe it.

I'm gonna have a three-way!

We now return to "Nature" with a guy named Terry in it.

The cheetahs will feed through the night.

While the strongest made the kill, the oldest will eat first.

And there's Terry.

All right, come on, guys, she's gonna be here any minute.

You got to get out of here.

Why do we have to leave, dad?

Cause you daddy is gonna have a three-way with your mother and her friend.

Isn't that nice about daddy's three-way?

I had a one-way one time.

That was amazing.

Sorry I farted in the middle.

All right, go on, beat it, all of you.

Peter, you are not gonna be having a three-way with Lois and her friend.

Lois isn't even into women.

She just had that one experience in college with that girl Naomi.

Naomi's the one who is coming.

Let me stay, let me stay!

Peter, why are you so antsy?

Because Naomi will be here shortly, and I'm anxious to get started.

What do you mean? We don't even know why she's coming.

We don't... We don't even know why she's coming.

You are so adorable, I'm gonna do you second.

Hi, Naomi.

You picked up those tearaway panties like I texted you?

I didn't get a text from you.

All right. Not sure why, but I'll bite.

Hi, Naomi.

Hello, Lois.

I want you to meet my husband, Dale.

Hi, nice to meet you, Dale.

Dale! All right, I guess, but I'm doing you last.

Joke's on him. I only got two in me.

Lois, this is such a lovely home.

Oh, thank you.

Peter and I did it ourselves on a shoe-string.

Well, you could have fooled me.

Well, let me show you around.

This here is our living room.

All right, you guys, I've got a few p0rn scenarios for you to choose from Hey everybody.

Got a pizza delivery for this sorority house.

Did somebody order sausage?

Peter, what the hell are you doing? Knock it off.

We brought you some wine. But it's best chilled before dinner.

Oh, that is so nice of you.

Yeah, let's put it on ice.

Oh, you have to excuse my kitchen, I've been cooking all...

Girls, I've just finished grading your midterms, and it's not good news.

Looks like you're gonnna have to do some extra credit.

Peter, what the hell?

I am so sorry about this.

Look, dinner is just about ready.

Why don't I get you seated in the dining room and then we'll pour the wine.

All right, new arrivals.

There's only one way you're not getting on that train.

And so I went into corporate finance and that's where I met Dale.

Six months later I was asking her to marry me.

What took me so long, right?

All right, we're running out of time. Are we going to get this orgy started or what?

What?

We're running out of time.

Are we going to get this orgy started or what?

Oh my god. You thought that's what we're here for?

You're not?

No!

Then what are you doing here?

Well, Dale and I found out that we can't have children.

We've conceived many times, but for some reason the eggs won't attach.

And it was suggested that I find a healthy woman who would considered carrying our child to term.

And well, Lois, that's why we're here.

We were wondering if you would be our surrogate.

Oh my god. You want me to carry your child?

Yes.

What?

All right, Peter, I don't know what this is about, but you're my best friend and I'd like to think that you do the same for me.

Wait a minute, so you guys can't have a baby?

Unfortunately, no.

Well, who's fault is it?

I mean... I mean which one of you has the thing that's horribly wrong with them.

Is that you, Naomi? You got a bum cervix?

Peter, it's nobody's faults. Conception is complicated.

Dale, it's you, isn't it? You've got a bum dong.

Will you help us, Lois?

Well, I'm honoured that you would ask me, Naomi.

Yeah, I'll have to think about it.

To me this is a life altering choice.

You know, like an italian choosing to get glasses.

Okay, read the third row down, please.

Everyone, I have something to say.

I've given this long and careful thought and I decided to carry Naomi and Dale's child for them.

You what?!

That's right. And I want your blessing, Peter.

You'll have my stool in your eye, that's all you'll get.

You can't have their baby.

Yeah, mom, you get crazy when you're pregnant.

Mom, I can't find my jacket.

Peter, take off that belt!

That buckle smells like acid!

Look, I know it's an inconvenience, but it's a wonderful gift to be able to give someone, so I am going through with it.

Well, I support you, Lois. I think it's great what you're doing.

Yeah, it's great.

You're treating your v*g1n* like a Red Roof lnn.

That's not how it is, Stewie.

She's doing something wonderful for a couple who can't have their own children and are too egoitistical to adopt.

Lois, I don't want you walking around all pregnant for nine months, just to hand over that thing when it comes out like a hen to a farmer.

I mean, why is it got to be you?

Because they need a healthy female body to carry the baby.

I can do it!

Oh, come on, Meg.

It was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie.

What?

I'm just joking.

Oh, not cool.

But really, Meg, you don't know anything about this stuff.

You've never even had a boyfriend more than a few weeks.

I have too.

Remember when I dated the Count?

One nipple.

Two nipples.

Three nip... Oh hell no, I'm outta here.

All right then, it's settled. I'm gonna do this.

No, you are not, Lois. I'm sorry, but I forbid it.

Oh, and I'm supposed to blindly go along with everything you decide for the both of us?

Yes, Lois, that's how we co-exist.

Just like I co-exist with the tiny race of people who live in our carpet.

Dad, what's that? I think I hear music.

Oh, that's the little people, Chris.

They're playing music so that I will bless them with food.

Lois, Dale and I just want to thank you again.

You're making us so happy.

Well, I wish my husband felt the same way you do, but...

He's just gonna have to accept it.

Now, Mrs. Griffin, you should understand, a procedure like this is not without its risks.

For example, here's what happened, when we fertilized an egg from Shelly Duvall with a sperm from James Blunt.

Here's Hilary Swank and Gary Busey.

Florence Griffith-Joyner and Stephen Hawking.

Okay, I think that's enough.

I got more funny ones, I got Tina Fey and Joaquin Phoenix.

Yeah, I think we're fine.

Lot of face stuff going on on that one.

Yeah, let's just get to it.

Okay. So, the eggs have already been fertilized by means of intracytoplasmic sperm injection.

And now the embryos will be inserted.

The insertion procedure will be performed by these south-american Hovitos blow gunners.

Wait a minute, I don't want them shooting things into my v*g1n*.

Well, perhaps you could tell them.

If only you spoke Hovitos.

(Pregnancy test)

Can't believe she went ahead and did it.

After I specifically told her how I felt.

Well, clearly she believed that it was within her right...

Lois just peed on something.

Hey, Brian, you're picking up on that?

Yeah.

It worked, everybody, I'm pregnant!

Dammit, this is going too far.

And if I'm gonna do something about it, it's gonna be now.

What do you mean, what are you gonna do?

I'm not gonna do anything, Brian.

But sometimes things happen.

The house is a dangerous place for today's modern woman.

Rickety staircases, faulty wiring, gay poltergeists.

Boo!

To that outfit.

Lois, I've hired some 1980s black breakdancers to do their routine on your stomach.

Peter, come on! I'm having this baby and that's the end of it.

But Lois, if they do it good enough, they'll save the rec center from being torn down and replaced by some mall.

Ozone, Turbo, do your thing.

Oh no, Lois, those are 90s black guys.

Those aren't 80s black guys at all. Run!

We're here to dance for the kids.

Run, 80s black guys. You are no match for the 90s black guys.

(Acme miscarriage kit)

(Free Grey's Anatomy DVDs)

Lois, I bet I can drink more "Bleach" than you.

Okay, you know what, Peter? Stop it.

I know you are not happy about this, but I am pregnant, and I am having this baby.

So knock it off, because I have had it.

No, I've had it! I don't want you pregnant.

You'll be fat and cranky, and your boobs will get bigger, and you'll stop having your period.

Wait, how I feel about this?

No. No! I'm against that, I say.

Peter, this is important.

Naomi and Dale are placing their trust in us.

And besides, it's just nine months, then everything will be back to normal.

We interrupt this programs for a breaking news story.

A devastating pile-up on I-95 has injured eight people and killed two others.

Naomi and Dale Robinson were pronounced dead on arrival at Quahog hospital.

Oh my god!

Another news: a local man has won the lottery.

Lucky Quahog resident Dale Robinson has hit the jack... Oh boy.

I stil just... I can't believe they're gone.

They had the whole lives ahead of them.

Well, I'll be the one to say it.

What are you gonna do about the baby?

Let's keep it for parts.

You know, Lois, you're not a young woman.

Odds are that baby is gonna be chromosomally damaged.

Like those cats you see in the special animal Olympics.

So, Whiskers, how does it feel to finally win your event after years of training?

Why don't you put the baby up for adoption?

But what do we do until then?

I mean, we can't afford nine months of medical bills.

Well, you could... have an abortion.

There you go, Lois, we abort it.

Send it on up to Dale and Naomi.

Yeah, they're probably waiting for it anyway.

If they left their mittens you wouldn't keep'em.

You'd send them back. Abort the thing.

Well, I don't know, Peter.

Well, there is no harm in visiting the family planning center just to see what your options are.

It's such a big decision.

Of course it's a big decision.

Life is full of big decisions.

Like deciding whether or not to have indian food.

Lois, do I need to do anything tomorrow that doesn't involve me being bent over in excruciating pain three feet from a toilet?

No.

Time for some tikka masala.

Doctor, I won't lie to you, I'm a little uncertain about this.

That's perfectly natural, Mrs. Griffin.

And you should ask as many questions as you can before you decide.

How does it work, Doc?

You strap it down and then go hacking that like Sweeney Todd?

No, no, good lord. This is not 2005.

We've come a long way since then.

Okay, what, so you go stab it in there with a laser and you try to zap it out?

Like, um, burning an ant with a magnifying glass?

No, Mr. Griffin.

What? So what? You like hold her legs open and like send a pitbull in there?

You know, one of them little rat hunting dogs.

And then he comes back out with it in his mouth and he goes...

You know, you can't get it away from him, cause, you know, it's his thing.

No. Mr. Griffin, it's a very simple safe procedure, in which we very precisely and delicately remove the embryo.

We do it all the time and I promise it's virtually risks-free.

Well, I have to say I feel a little better about it.

I think this may be the right thing to do.

Mrs. Griffin, we have a saying around here.

Let's keep abortion safe, legal and rare.

Okay, then why don't you get started.

I'm gonna go sit in the car and pretend like I'm driving.

I'm gonna be in a race.

Hey, what are you, guys, bellyaching about?

Sir, we are doing all that we can to stop the killing of millions of unborn babies.

If you have a few moments, I'd like you to watch this video presentation.

Yeah, I got a few minutes, my wife is getting an abortion.

(Abortion Madness!)

Hello, friend.

I hear you contemplating having an abortion.

But before you do, remember: science has proven that within hours of conception a human fetus has started a college fund and has already made your first Mother's Day card out of macaroni and glitter.

(Mom, don't kill me! I wuv you!)

But don't take my word for it.

Just ask my little friend Ziggy.

Hi, I'm Ziggy the zygote.

I'm looking forward to being an active member of your community.

Can I hug you?

Of course, you can, Ziggy.

Because even though they are not visible yet, you already have tiny arms.

Arms, that will one day work, play and fold in prayer.

Yay!

But uh-oh.

What's this?

Oh my god!

Well, he's gone.

Just like so many other promising human lives, who were probably snuffed out by abortion.

Like the guy who would have killed Hitler.

Nice going, schweinhund.

The Fourth Stooge.

That's right, there were supposed to be four stooges.

It was gonna be hilarious!

And Osama bin Laden's America loving older brother.

I would have talked him out of it.

Thanks a lot for 9/11, abortion enthusiasts.

And remember. Not only is abortion murder.

But it's also a larceny, jaywalking and securities fraud.

And did you know the baby you aborting may also have a baby inside of it that you're also aborting?

Now that you know this do you want an abortion?

No! No, I do not!

Peter, what the hell are you doing?

Have you lost your mind?

Don't you worry, unborn fetus chid!

I am here to save you and protect you.

I have seen the light!

Bless you, sir. You should be very proud of yourself.

Oh, I am! Prouder than when I was a peacock.

Griffin, nice work on the Anderson account.

So how did it go at the clinic?

Fine at first, but then there was a complication.

We have decided against the procedure.

Really? Why?

Because it's killing babies, Brian!

If god wanted us to kill babies, he'd make them all Chinese girls.

Peter, it's not a baby, it's a fertilized egg.

It's the size of the tip of the pin.

It's alive, isn't it?

To kill any living thing is an abortion.

That's what the man I've just met outside the clinic told me.

And he had a T-shirt on that confirmed it.

Peter, I'm sorry if you disagree with me.

But according to the law, it is still my right to choose what I do with my body.

Well, the law is wrong, Lois.

Okay, Peter, if you're so pro-life, let me ask you this.

Would you go down to the orphanage and claim an unwanted baby and take care of it?

No, Lois, I'm here to save the unborn.

Once they get out of v*g1n*, they can go *** themselves.

Peter, what's inside of Lois won't be remotely human for six months.

There's no brain activity until at least the 27th week.

It's still a person, Brian!

It's a woman's responsibility to carry it to term.

Well, what if the woman is raped?

Maybe she should have thought of that before she asked me for directions.

What about incest, Peter?

What's incest?

You know how cousin Lou has that kid who's eyes touch.

So what, you're saying Toucheyes doesn't deserve to exist?

Well, you don't mind him when you want a needle threaded.

I'm just saying that they should have at least have the option.

How can you say that.

Think of all the love he's given to uncle mom and aunt dad.

Okay, this argument isn't working.

Peter, what if carrying the baby to term would endanger the mother's life?

I don't know what seven of those words were.

What if you look at the ultrasound and see that the baby is gonna be born with no arms and no legs?

You name it Matt.

Peter, I honestly don't care what you say.

I am going back to that clinic and I am having that abortion.

Oh no, you are not.

Oh yes, I am.

Now you get out of my way.

Lois, you go down there, and I'll blow that place up.

You wouldn't.

You've seen Family Guy, You know I would.

Oh, so what? You-you kill a bunch of doctors to show that the killing is wrong?

Does that make sense to you, Peter?

Well...

Does it?

I... guess not.

So what the hell do we do, huh?

And we would not gonna solve anything by standing here and screaming at each other.

You and I are in this together, Peter.

And whatever we decide, we both have to agree that it's the right thing to do.

Well, so now what?

Now I say we go upstairs and have a long talk.

And we don't come down until we've made a decision that we both can live with.

All right, Lois.

Well, I think we made the right decision.

I mean, sure, having a baby costs a fortune.

There's cutbacks on things we love.

There's diapers, and crying, and late nights with no sleep.

Flu shots, and mumps, and drivers ed, and college tuition...

But you know what?

It's a one more person to share the world with.

Another little voice in a back seat of the car.

One more Griffin to love and to love us in return.

We have the abortion.