Family Guy: Back to the Multiverse


 * Brian: Hey, Stewie? Look, something came up. I'm not gonna be able to do the picnic today.
 * Stewie: Oh, was-- was that today? Pssh, yeah, no way I can make that either. I'm cancelling too, man. Wow, good memory, though. I totally blanked it.
 * Bertram: Stewie Griffin!
 * Stewie: My god, Bertram?! But... how is this possible? I-- I killed you!
 * Bertram: You only killed me in this universe, you fool!
 * Stewie: Ohhh, so you got yourself a multiverse remote, huh?
 * Bertram: Indeed I did!
 * Brian: W-Wait, hold on. Will someone please tell me what the hell is goin' on here?
 * Stewie: Sorry. Hang on one sec. You remember the multiverse theory?
 * Brian: Yyyyyeah.
 * Stewie: It's one about how there's alternate universes that coexist with ours on parallel dimensional planes. So in each of these universes, the reality is different than our own. Sometimes only slightly, sometimes quite radically. This Bertram is from a universe where we never killed him.
 * Brian: Okay. Okay. I think I got it.
 * Stewie: Sorry, not a genius. Now, what do you want?
 * Bertram: Well, I can't possibly allow a universe to exist without me in it! I'm traveling the multiverse, building up an army to exact revenge on you When I return, I'm gong to destroy your universe completely! See you soon, Stewie!
 * Stewie: Brian, this is bad. With a cross-dimensional army, he'll have no problem destroying our universe. Who knows what he's going to bring back here.
 * Brian: Well, what are we supposed to do?
 * Stewie: We have to try and stop him before he can organize his attack. Alright, Brian, we're going to need to arm ourselves. I'm sure he knows we're going to come after him. His armies are going to be waiting for us every step of the way.
 * Brian: You think-- you think maybe I can use one of your ray guns?
 * Stewie: No, I get Stewie weapons, you get the boring stuff. That's what we're doing.
 * Brian: Fine. But how are we gonna find him? He could be anywhere, right?
 * Stewie: Luckily, I just updated my multiverse remote, so I have tracking software now. We'll be able to follow every move he makes. Hang on, Bri. We're going... Back to the Multiverse! What the hell? Wait a minute, Brian, this isn't where we were supposed to go.
 * Brian: What do you mean?
 * Stewie: I don't know. The remote's not working for some reason. You know, everyone said, "Get on the cloud. It's gonna be great." And everything's been a nightmare since.
 * Brian: Well, can you fix it?
 * Stewie: I don't have the proper tools. But maybe we can find someone who does.
 * Brian: Alright, can you at least find out where we are?
 * Stewie: According to the multiverse remote, this is... a universe ruled by Greeks.
 * Brian: So what does that mean? Fat, hairy philosophers in togas or fat, hairy grease balls in Speedos?
 * Stewie: Oh yeah. Greeks have always have been gross and still are. But, no, it's not those kinds of Greeks, Brian. It's worse. It's frat boys.
 * Frat Boy: Hey, those guys aren't like us! Get those knob-gobblers!
 * Stewie: Crap! Brian, run! We have to find someone to help us fix my remote! What's a knob-gobbler?!
 * Brian: You'll understand when you're older. Come on, Stewie, we gotta find someone who can fix the remote.
 * Mort: Hey you two, do you want to pledge to our fraternity? Here's a Torah and some bacon to rub on your face so you break out.
 * Brian: That might sound a little odd, but do you know if there's like an electronics store or a creepy Armenian guy in a dimly lit apartment who can fix a multiverse remote?
 * Mort: Ooh, I can help you get that fixed. But I will require a service in return that is worth more than the service I will be providing you with. We need you to help our fraternity throw a better party. We've been standing around complaining for hours but that doesn't seem to be a party to the Gentiles. Here's some ammo, now go shoot those lame balloons down. Wait until I put my earplugs in!
 * Stewie: The party's lame. I think there's someone throwing up over there just because they're nervous. Piñata's? Really? What are we, twelve? Alright, Bri, here's the deal: Only one of us fights at a time. Think of it like tag-team wrestling: when you get hurt or too tired, tag out.
 * Brian: Piñata's? No wonder these guys can't get laid.
 * Mort: Good, you shot all the balloons now-- Ooh look, there's a sorority girl running down the street. I bet her dad's so rich.
 * Frat Boy: Dude, wait until my bros see these nasty pictures of you!
 * Lisa: Hey, get back here with those! I am going to wait one more year before i leaked naked pictures of me online!
 * Mort: You should go talk to that sorority girl and see what's the matter. Also, ask her how much her dad has in his retirement fund.
 * Lisa: Oh my god! That scumbag stole pictures of me and my sorority sisters! I'll pretend to like whoever gets them back!
 * Frat Boy 2: Nice nips.
 * Frat Boy 3: Wow, someone should buy her a razor.
 * Frat Boy: I'd say she's a low seven.
 * Frat Boy 2: Get those guys! They're with the nerds!
 * Stewie: Well, now I won't feel bad about crapping my pants.
 * Frat Boy: I bang that when I'm blacked out.
 * Frat Boy 2: You want the pictures?! Come and get 'em! I already yanked it to them anyway.
 * Frat Boy 3: These two dorks just won't quit.
 * Brian: C'mon, let's just be bros. Okay, bros?
 * Stewie: I think that boy in the pool is dead.
 * Brian: No, Stewie, he's just swimming. You see, college is all about having fun-- Nope. He's dead. No one's helping him.
 * Stewie: Okay, I got it, I got it.
 * Mort: Ooh, good job getting those pictures. You should try to find more of them so you have the material to shamefully touch yourself to at night, or even very early in the morning. Now, I got a keg but didn't want to put the deposit down for the tap. Would you find one for me? Ooh, I think that house over there has one!
 * Greased-up Deaf Guy: Let me know if you guys wanna streak with me! I could always use a companion!
 * Girl: Hey it's those douchbags who stole the pictures of us!
 * Brian: Look at this place, it's anarchy. I guess this is what happens when douchbags become way to entitled. We gotta stop 'em.
 * Stewie: Victory is mine!
 * Death: Listen, honey, after what happened to you tonight, you wouldn't wanna wake up tomorrow anyway.
 * Stewie: That looks like the thing Mort wants. I don't know what a tap is.
 * Mort: Hey, you two come over here. I need someone to Thanks for the tap. I'm blaming everything on you. Now we need some women to come to this party. Ooh, I got a crafty idea! Listen, I need you to steal a couple of jackets from the jock frat. Bring them back and I'll tell you what to do next.
 * Meg: Come on... I'll let you wreck me in the rec room...
 * Frat Boy: Oh, there's not a party going on. You're-- you're just insane and imagining all of this.
 * Meg: C'mon, you guys! I put deodorant on... everywhere...
 * Frat Boy: What do we say, boys?!
 * Frat Boys: No fat chicks!
 * Brian: Alright, shh. Let sleeping douches lie.
 * Mort: Great, you got the jackets. Now listen, Brian, here's a molotov cocktail. You need to plant those jackets by sorority's float, then set the float on fire. The girls will think the other frat did it, and then they'll come to our party. I do it but I feel a cold coming on, thanks. Come back here when you're done, but take your time. I'm gonna go taken an eight hour nap.
 * Brian: Who builds floats? This is a weird college.
 * Lois: I can't have babies anymore so fill me up, fellas!
 * Stewie: Ew, that thing is so tacky. What parade was this for? Who builds floats for parades in college? What is this, 1956?
 * Cleveland: I usually hot tub in one of them places where you pay by the hour.
 * Mort: Brian, use your molotov cocktail to destroy the float and put the jackets there so we can frame the other frat.
 * Lois: Any of you boys ever finish on a C-section scar?
 * Mort: You have to destroy the float, you guys! Briean, use your molotov cocktail. Now leave the jackets there so the girls think the other frat did it. Brian, I've never tapped a keg and don't really want to. Please do it so I don't get hurt. Good job getting the girls and beer, but we can't hear the music even with our hearing aides turned all the way up. The house across the cul-de-sac some speakers. Go steal those, but don't say my name if you get caught.
 * Stewie: Let's get that speakers from that house. Their party has music. Hey, Brian, we're stealing a lot of things today.
 * Frat Boy 2: Hey, let us to your party, turds!
 * Frat Boy: Let us us, you scmucks!
 * Stewie: I think the nerds are in trouble. Come on, Brian, let's help them.
 * Mort: Oh, boy, good. You got the speakers. Here you go. And thank you guys so much! Now I have the whole night to fear the sex that I'll probably chicken out of!
 * Brian: Hey, no problem. Thanks for fixing the remote.
 * Mort: Ooh, fellas, I almost forgot. Some of other nerds uploaded a new program on your remote. It analyzes your surroundings and gives you hints of you should be doing on your journey.
 * Bruce: Hey, I'll be poppin' up and then with objectives, and lil' hints if y'all get stuck. And, if you's in the mood, I can tell you where all the best farmers' markets is. Bye!
 * Stewie: Okay, we'll get to that later. We have to go, Bri. Bertram's already got a head start on us.
 * Mort: Okay, now how exactly does a party work? Do we just take Alka Seltzer and burp into our fists?
 * Stewie: Okay, good. The remote's working. Bertram was definitely here.
 * Bruce: Hey, y'all need anything yet?!
 * Stewie: No!
 * Bruce: 'Kay, bye!
 * Stewie: According to the multiverse remote, in this universe, oil supplies were exhausted. The only people who were able to sustain themselves were the Amish, because they weren't reliant on technology.
 * Brian: What would Bertram want with the Amish!
 * Stewie: (Gasps) Brian, shh! Bertram's still here.
 * Bertram: Gentlemen, your people known for making goods that are built to last. What I need from you is a weapon. The likes of which no one has ever seen!
 * Ezekiel: I'm afraid we cannot help you, unattractive infant. You see... The Amish are not a violent people.
 * Bertram: Well, I have something here that might change your mind. I happen to know that you've depleted all of your forests. So I've engineered these rapid-growth tree seeds that will supply you with all the wood you'll ever need.
 * All: (Mummering)
 * Ezekiel: The elders have spoken. Mostly of wood, hats and beards... but nevertheless... we shall build your weapon.
 * Bertram: Terrific. Oh, one more thing. These two might try to stop you. If you see them, I want to shoot to kill.
 * Stewie: Seriously? Of all of stunning pictures I've taken over the years, that's the one he gives them? Brian, we're taking all of those down.
 * Ezekiel: It is settled. We have a deal.
 * Bertram: Hahaha! Stewie Griffin, prepare to be destroyed!
 * Stewie: What's that smell? Smells like sweat and anger and shame.
 * Bruce: Look, y'all's gonna be able to see your enemies up close now. See what kind of skin-types they gots and whatnot.
 * Brian: Alright, let's get these dicks. Crap. They're posting those pictures of us all over the place!
 * Stewie: And that picture is so not what I look like. We need to stop them before anyone sees it!
 * Bruce: Alright, now remember what that little orange-haired brat said: These folks is buildin' a weapon, so y'all need to find it!
 * Brian: Okay, that was dumb. Come on, Stewie, they know we're here.
 * Amish Guy: Let's just see what these "magic" seeds can do for my tiny Amish dong.
 * Stewie: Those seeds actually worked. I hate to say it. But, Bertram's trying to legit.
 * Bruce: Take down all them wanted posters! People need to stop worryin' so much about others and start worryin' about they selves. M-Y-O-B, everybody!
 * Brian: They've got archers in the towers! Watch out!
 * John Herbert: These little dolls don't talk or tell the local authorities anything, do they?
 * Bruce: Hmm... we need to find a way to break through that fence, Maybe we can use that snipe tower somehow. Let's hear it for problem solving, y'all! I could crap anywhere here and no one would even be mad.
 * Peter: Butter butter butter yummy yummy yummy.
 * Greased Up Deaf-Guy: Excuse me! I have an appointment to get to!
 * Adam: I don't just scare crows, you know. Lady bugs'd crap if they saw me out here.
 * Brian: Woop, guess he was holding that one back for a while.
 * Bruce: That there flame thrower's gonna be good for burnin' up things like hay or trees. But make sure you'd right up next to it so you get a nice burn.
 * Stewie: How positively delightful!
 * Bruce: Find out where whey're getting the resources to build that weapon.
 * Stewie: Look at you reloading.
 * Amish Guy: Attack them with out secret technology! Just kidding, use your stranded issue weapons.
 * Bruce: Now let's burn all them Magic Trees down and out off they wood supply.
 * Stewie: Who needs Mexicans when you've got the Amish to build stuff.
 * Bruce: