The War

"The War”

Original Airdate: 11-FEB-2000 Written by Allison M. Gibson. Directed by William Russ Courtesy of Dennis’s Boy Meets World Transcript Source. Transcribed by Dennis

Opening Credits

[SCENE – Angela and Rachel’s dorm. Shawn and Angela are making out on her bed. Cory and Topanga are reading and eating popcorn on the other bed]

Shawn: (Noticing Cory & Topanga and stops kissing) Hey, how come you guys aren’t going at it?

Cory: Shawnie, you don’t understand what I got here. I mean, once you start up this engine, it’s nonstop to Puerto Rico.

Angela: (Sarcastic) Oh, well isn’t he romantic.

Topanga: I don’t even know what he’s talking about.

Cory: That’s right. Papa don’t make sense.

(Enter Rachel)

Rachel: (Angrily) I hate this job. “Rachel, the shower drain’s clogged.” “Rachel, someone puked in the hall, go clean it up.” “Rachel, the candy machine’s out of corn nuts.”

Shawn: It is? Well fix it!

Rachel: I am a resident advisor, not a vending machine stuffer. I took this job for the one stinking perk they give you, you know what that is?

Angela: Good roommate?

Rachel: A parking spot! That’s what I get. A place to park my little beetle near my room.

Cory: (Scurries to Angela’s bed next to Shawn, carrying popcorn bowl) I’ve never seen our favorite red head so fiery. I like it.

Rachel: I had to walk a mile and a half because of some stupid, selfish, spot-grubbing moron.

Shawn: Maybe the moron didn’t know it was yours.

Rachel: (Accusing) You! You parked in my spot?

Shawn: Don’t have a hissy fit! (He and Shawn both have some popcorn)

Rachel: If you don’t move your car right now I will use my power as RA to make sure you do so!

Shawn: Whoa! Whoa-oa-oa! (Cory Laughs) What are you gonna do? Ban me from the soda machine? (Cory laughs) Revoke my corn nut privileges?

Cory: (Laughing) She can’t do that.

Shawn: (To Cory) Because there aren’t any!

Cory & Shawn: (To Rachel) Ha!

Rachel: Okay, that’s it, that’s it! You’re breaking rules right now because you’re in the dorms after hours. I am banning you from the dorm. Get out.

Shawn: (Laughs, then stops) (To Angela) Can she do that?

Rachel: I just did. Good bye.

Shawn: Well I am shocked and dismayed.

Cory: Well, no, You can’t be both, you’ll be shocked I’ll be dismayed. (To Topanga) Wifey! We’re leaving. Walk behind me.

Topanga: I’m staying.

Cory: (To Shawn) You hear that, shocked? She’s staying. (Walks over to Rachel and points) You are gonna be sorry, home wrecker.

Shawn: Oh yeah. (He and Cory exit indignantly)

Topanga: Uh-oh.

Rachel: Uh-oh, what?

Topanga: Trust me, Rachel, I’ve known Cory and Shawn longer than you have, you do not want to make them upset.

Rachel: Oh, I’m not scared of them.

Topanga: Well maybe you should be. They’re maniacs.

[Cut to much later. Topanga has left. We see Rachel sleeping. A car alarm goes off and lights flash in Rachel’s face. Rachel looks up at her clock, but that’s not where the alarm is coming from]

Angela: Uh, Rachel? (Rachel looks and sees her red beetle sitting in her dorm. Angela is up, too)

Alarm: Step away from the car. (Rachel screams)

[Cut to student café. The scream is still heard. Cory and Shawn sip their coffee, laugh, then clink mugs]

-Commercial Break-

[SCENE – Student café. Cory and Shawn are there. Rachel enters, pointing, with Angela and Feeny]

Rachel: There they are!

Cory: (Happily) Hey! There they are! Mr. Feeny! (Salutes) Angela! (Salutes) (Less happy) Resident Advisor McGuire. (Salutes)

Shawn: Good morning Angela, my (French accent) Angela.

Angela: Shut it.

Shawn: What’re you, mad at me?

Angela: I nearly broke my toe trying to get over a car on the way to the closet.

Cory: (Acting) A car?

Cory & Shawn: In your room?

Shawn: Isn’t that a violation of dorm rules?

Cory: Y’know we should report her to the authorities. (He and Shawn stand)

Shawn: But she is the authorities. (They look at each other)

Cory & Shawn: (To Angela, yelling) There’s a car in your room, lady!

Rachel: Oh, you both think you’re so clever don’t you?

Shawn: Yeah, pretty much, pretty much. (Cory laughs in agreement)

Cory & Shawn: (Pointing at each other) You’re good. No, you’re good.

Rachel: Get ‘em, Feeny.

Feeny: Gentlemen, this kind of behavior is juvenile and unbefitting of college sophomores. Did you really put a car in her room? (Cory nods) That’s great! (He shares a laugh with Cory & Shawn, then sees Rachel and stops) However, kinds of antics will not be tolerated. How did you do it?

Cory: (Grabs a car part from behind a pillow) Looky, looky! Looky, looky!

Rachel: Mr. Feeny!

Feeny: I’m sorry, Miss McGuire, but there are no rules on the books about putting cars in rooms. Was there loud music emanating from the car?

Rachel: No.

Feeny: Then you got nothin’.

Rachel: They set off my alarm to wake me up.

Feeny: (Turns and looks at Cory & Shawn seriously) Well that’s just plain brilliant! (They share a laugh)

Rachel: You’re not gonna teach them a lesson?

Feeny: No. And you can’t make me.

Rachel: Okay, for the past two years I’ve had to endure all these stories about the great Mr. Feeny and his amazing lessons and now they put a Volkswagen in my room and you have not one lousy lesson?

Feeny: Alright, here’s a lesson: relax. Take a nice drive… into your closet. (Cory and Shawn erupt with laughter)

Cory: (Laughing) Feeny!

Shawn: (Laughing) Feeny! (Gives Feeny high five, who gives Cory a high five)

Rachel: You all disgust me.

Feeny: Oh, can it, McGuire, they got you. Ha ha… (Exits)

Rachel: Well… I hope you know this means war.

Cory: War?

Shawn: With us? Trust me, babe, you don’t wanna go there.

Cory: Cory and Shawn are undefeated in matters such as these. (To Shawn) Did you see how I referred to myself in the third person for emphasis?

Shawn: I thought that was a nice touch.

Cory: Cory did, too.

Rachel: Don’t be so sure of yourselves. You’ve never tangled with Rachel McGuire before.

Cory: (Weird, mock-Cartman voice) (Jibberish… I think. Then…) You’ve never tangled with Rachel McGuire, before.

Rachel: Okay.

Cory: Okay.

Rachel: (Gets out a water bottle) Let’s just consider this a preview of things to come.

Cory: Okay. (Rachel pours water on his head and down his shirt) Alright! Alright! (She stops) Y’know what, Shawn? I think I’m melting.

Shawn: (To Angela) Oh, honey, please, please. At least do something a little bit clever. (Angela steps forward sensually, moved the bottle across Shawn’s lips, down his chest, then pours water down his pants. Once done, she flips the last drops across his stomach for effect) Your loss.

Topanga: (Approaches. Puts on hand on Cory & Shawn’s shoulders) Hey guys. What’s going on, here?

Rachel: They parked my car in our room.

Topanga: Nice one! (Give Cory & Shawn high fives)

Cory: We dedicate it to you.

Rachel & Angela: Topanga!

Topanga: I warned you.

Angela: Topanga, join our side and teach these guys a lesson.

Topanga: Sorry, guys, I have to go with them (Puts arms around Cory & Shawn)

Cory: (To Topanga) Good move, go with the experience.

Topanga: They need me more, they’re just not as smart.

Cory & Shawn: Yeah. (Realizing) Hey!

Topanga: (To Cory) Just kidding, I would never want to bet against you and Shawn.

Rachel: Wait a minute, this isn’t fair. Two against three.

Angela: We need more troops.

Rachel: You’re right we need someone high intelligent…

[Cut to shot of Eric trying to twist open a can in his apartment]

Rachel: (Voiceover) …cagey with a crafty mind.

Eric: Y’know, Jack, I’m having trouble opening this jar.

Jack: That’s because it’s a can. (Rachel and Angela are standing behind him, near the front door)

Rachel: We choose you. (Grabs Jack & pulls him over)

Eric: No, choose me! (Topanga, Cory, and Shawn are sitting at the counter behind Eric)

Angela: (To Jack) You have to be on our side, we’re outnumbered.

Eric: I’ll be on your side.

Shawn: Jack, you’re my brother. (Walks over)Brothers can’t be opposite sides of a war. (Pulls Jack over, who nods in agreement) Sorry, ladies, but that’s the way it is and there’s nothing you can do to change it.

Rachel: (Seductively, takes Jack’s hand) It could be really fun being on the same side.

Eric: I’m fun.

Jack: You think?

Topanga: Jack? You know how good Cory and Shawn are at this, you don’t wanna go against them.

Rachel: (Seductively) Y’know, Jack, we were close once. Who knows what could happen when two people are caught up in the heat of battle. (Puts a hand on Jack’s cheek)

Cory: Hold on! (Throws a napkin in the air) That’s a foul! (Shawn waves his arms like a ref) No fair offering cookies.

Rachel: Did Jack forget just how good my cookies were? (Jack laughs)

Shawn: Whoa!

Rachel: Let me remind you… (Starts nibbling on Jack’s ear)

Jack: IIIIII’mmm with her, guys… sorry.

Shawn: Yeah, so am I.

Cory: (To Topanga) Honey, would it be okay if went… no? Yeah, okay…

Eric: Alright, look, I know both sides want me but I’m gonna reserve my decision until I hear all the pitches, okay?

Angela: Uh, no, see your Cory’s brother, you need to go over to his side. (Pushes him to other side)

Cory: No, no, no! He’s Jack’s best friend he should be on their side. (Pushes him back)

Jack: Yeah, yeah, but it’d be a really unfair advantage so… (Pushes him back)

Eric: (Jump up to stop the pushing) Hey! Oh, come on, stop fighting over me guys. Stop fighting for me. No, I’ve already made my decision, alright? (To Rachel) Do I get cookies?

Rachel: No.

Eric: How about a cracker?

Rachel: Nothin’.

Eric: Mutton? Fine, fine! (Points to Rachel) You’ll regret this one day. (To all) I’ve already decided to be on the side of uummmmmmm… (Spins around, eyes closed and pointing) (Stops, sees Cory, grabs him, puts him on the floor and sits on top) (To Cory) Shhh! Shhh! (Whispers loudly) I’m not really on your team. I’m a spy! (Sees Jack pointing, grabs him and sits on him on the couch) I’m not really on your team. I’m a spy.

[SCENE – Classroom. Feeny is teaching the seven at war. There are some other kids in the class, but being that this is Boy Meets World, they don’t matter]

Feeny: (To class) The civil war was one of the darkest moment in the history of our nation. (The seven look around suspiciously at each other) Once united, we were now on the precipice of a terrible conflagration, which would cast friend against friend, and brother against brother.

Eric: (Stands) Mr. Feeny, this war must be stopped!

Feeny: Your passion for the material is admiral, Mr. Matthews, but not to worry. The civil war was fought over 100 years ago.

Eric: Oh, no one cares about that crap, I’m talking about now! C’mon, make ‘em call it off. I just don’t want to see anybody get hurt.

Feeny: Mr. Matthews, I have not idea what you’re talking about. (Deadpan) And that’s the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it. (To class) Tomorrow, we’ll being with the first shots fired on Fort Sumter.

(Everyone but Cory, Shawn, and Topanga get up to leave. Of those who get up, everyone except Angela, Jack, Rachel, and Eric actually do so. Shawn tries to grab Angela’s hand as she walks by, but she pulls away)

Shawn: Hey, come on, I was just looking for a little kiss.

Jack: (Over Angela’s shoulder) Don’t do it.

Rachel: (Over he other shoulder) He’s on the other side.

Shawn: Angela, it’s still me.

Angela: Alright, but put your hand where I can see them.

Topanga: Hey, that goes both ways. Hands up. (Shawn and Angela kiss, weakly, with their hands up)

Cory/Topanga/Jack/Rachel: Booooo!!!!

Eric: C’mon, c’mon. Stop, stop! I can’t take this anymore. Friend against friend, brother against brother, don’t you realize that nothing good can come from this? (Grabs Rachel’s hand and holds it up) We surrender!

Rachel: (Pulls hand back down) No we don’t.

Eric: (Grabs Cory’s hand and does the same) Then, we surrender.

Cory: (Pulls hand away) Get away from me.

Eric: (Whispers loudly, to Cory) C’mon, no, I’m a spy! I’m on both sides remember? With the… ssshhhhhhhh!! (Tries to move Cory our of his desk, but he is stuck) Hey.

Cory: Hey! I’m stuck!

Shawn: Oh, superglue on the chairs!

Topanga: This skirt is ruined!

Eric: Oh, no, no. Friend against friend…

Shawn: Ha, ha, ha, the old superglue trick, amateurs.

Eric: Wait, you’re not mad?

Cory: Eric, this is nothing. It’s not even clever.

Jack: You don’t think so?

Shawn: Not worthy of comment.

(Eric exits)

Rachel: Well, what if it isn’t over?

Topanga: Huh? (Rachel pulls a chain hanging next to the door, waves goodbye, then exits with Jack and Angela) (Something drips from above right onto her books) Ew. (She touches it, inspects it, then looks up. A large amount of golden goo falls on Cory, Topanga, and Shawn’s heads) Honey.

Cory: What?

Topanga: No, honey!

Cory: What?!

Topanga: It’s honey, idiot!

Cory: Ooh, I love honey! (Starts licking Topanga’s honey-covered hand)

Shawn: Okay, so we’re glued to the seats and we’re sticky.

Cory: Eh… It’s pretty good, it’s not great. (We hear a roar. There is a bear in the classroom doorway.) Now it’s great. (Cory, Shawn, and Topanga get up, tearing their pants, and dive out the window)

[SCENE – Student café. Still honey-covered, Cory, Shawn, and Topanga and gone to tell Feeny what happened.]

Feeny: A bear? A ferocious predator mauling about my classroom? Well, you must have been… glued to your seats! (Laughs, walks away)

Cory: We could have died!

Feeny: Yeah… (Snaps fingers) (Exits)

Topanga: Alright, what are we gonna do to retaliate, what are we gonna do to get ‘em back. We are gonna get ‘em back, right?

Cory: Down, Catwoman, down.

Shawn: We’ll get ‘em, don’t worry.

Topanga: Tell me, tell me, what are we gonna do?

[SCENE – Student café. Cory and Shawn are clean and drinking coffee on the couch. Eric is playing pool. Jack, Rachel, and Angela enter]

Cory: Hey.

Jack: Hey.

Shawn: Hey.

Angela: Hey.

Rachel: Hey. You had enough now that you know who you’re dealing with?

Jack: Ready to discuss terms of surrender?

Angela: Can you bear to continue?

Eric: Come on, somebody surrender already, let’s just be done with this!

Cory: No. No surrender.

Shawn: And, speaking of bare… (There’s a large crowd in the café’s corner)

Rachel: What’s that all about?

Shawn: We don’t know…

(Rachel pushes the crowd away and see what they’re looking at: a “seductive” picture of Rachel in high heels with a white feather boa. Cory and Shawn erupt with laughter. Rachel turns and looks at them despairingly)

Rachel: …how could you…? (Starts to cry)

(Jack points at Shawn & Cory threateningly, then tear the life-size poster off the wall. There is another behind it, so he tears off that one, too. When there is another one behind that, he simply moves Rachel in front of it so she blocks the picture)

Eric: Y’know, I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen.

-Commercial Break-

[SCENE – Student café, continued from earlier]

Eric: (To Cory & Shawn) You only have yourselves to blame for this. I hope you feel really bad.

Cory: Look, Rachel, I’m really sorry. We were just picking it up a step that all. I mean, you look really good in the picture. Right Shawn?

Shawn: Yeah, really good. I even made a wallet size for myself, here. (Takes it out and shows it to her)

Angela: Rip it up.

Shawn: Okay. (Does so)

Angela: You went too far, Shawn, this was bad.

Rachel: Oh, Angela, like I don’t know whose side you’re really on?

Angela: What are you talking about? I’m on your side.

Rachel: I had that picture made when Jack and I were dating and I’ve had it under my bed ever since.

Jack: I’ve missed it like crazy.

Rachel: You were the only one who had access to it.

Cory: Uh-oh…

Angela: Rachel, I would never…

Rachel: Sure you would, he’s your boyfriend.

Angela: But you’re my roommate I can believe you’re accusing me.

Rachel: Oh, you never let Shawn into our room?

Angela: (To Shawn) You said you left a book in my room.

Cory: (More panicked) Uh-oh.

Rachel: I knew it.

Angela: (Stands) I can’t believe you lied to me!

Shawn: War, Angela, the thing all’s fair in?

Angela: Oh, no, you betrayed my trust for a sick joke?

Cory: (More panicked) Uh-oh!

Rachel: Wait a minute, how did you even know about the picture? (Her, Shawn, and Angela turn to Jack)

Cory: (More panicked) Uh-oh!!

Rachel: (To Jack) You showed it to Shawn?

Jack: Once, alright, when we were still dating a long time ago. Only because he showed me a picture of Angela.

Angela: Hey! (Slaps Shawn) You show him that?

Cory: (Stands) Hey! (Slaps Shawn) How come I never get to see nothin’?

Rachel: (To Jack) That was a private gift from me to you.

Jack: I know, I know, I’m sorry. (To Shawn) I can’t believe you, man.

Shawn: Come on, Rachel, we’re brothers. Brothers tell each other everything.

Jack: We’re only half-brothers, alright? I only have to tell you half.

Rachel: You weren’t loyal to me, Jack. No one was.

Angela: Wait a minute, I took your side, that’s not fair.

Jack: I’m on your side, too! It’s Cory and Shawn we’re mad at.

Topanga: (Enters with leaves in her hair) I still can’t get this honey out of my hair. What’s going on?

Rachel: Oh, as if you didn’t know.

Cory: Our team just got even, their team’s being a bad sport.

Rachel: Oh, you’re gonna pretend you don’t know what they did to me? They blew this up (unfurls poster) for the whole wide world to see. Fun, huh?

Cory: (To Topanga) Heh, heh, heh, heh, Funny, huh? Heh, heh… The legend continues…

Topanga: (To Rachel) Rachel, I am so sorry, I had nothing to do with this. (Turns to Cory) Why did I have nothing to do with this?

Shawn: Uh-oh.

Topanga: I am on your team, remember?

Shawn: Uh-oh!

Topanga: We make decision together, remember?

Cory: It was Shawn’s idea. (Topanga turns to Shawn) Uh-oh!!

Topanga: But of course. Whenever there’s trouble, Shawn can’t be too far behind. It was a nice toast at the wedding, Shawn. It’s Cory and Topanga, now, Cory and Topanga are best friends. Not Cory and Shawn. I though we were a team.

Shawn: Hey, look, we’re all in this together.

Topanga: Yeah, for once I thought we were. For once I thought it could be the three of us. That’s why I wanted to be on your guy’s team. To be a part of the legendary team, but I guess I’m not. (To Rachel) Rachel, I’m sorry.

Cory: Why are you all taking Rachel’s side? You’ve known me and Shawn all your life, you’ve known Rachel, what, a couple of years? I… (Rachel is stunned) Rachel, I’m sorry. That’s not how we think of you or anything.

Shawn: No, it’s not.

Rachel: How stupid am I, I actually thought you guys were my friends.

Angela: Of course you are.

Topanga: Rachel, you were at our wedding.

Rachel: I really thought you guys let me into your special world. I guess the joke really is on me. (Exits)

Angela: And I guess it’s not accident the way the teams are picked around here.

Jack: Yeah. What a coincidence, huh? Life-longers versus… Well I guess I really don’t know what we are. (He and Angela exit)

Shawn: C’mon, Angela? Jack!

Cory: It’s okay. It’s okay, alright? It’s you and you and me, now. (Topanga exits) Alright, it’s you and me, now. (Shawn exits) Okay, it’s just me, now.

[SCENE – Cory & Topanga’s bedroom. They are about to go to bed. Topanga is brushing her hair, now leaf-less]

Cory: I cannot believe that you would take Rachel’s side over mine.

Topanga: I took your side. I wanted to be on Cory & Shawn’s team. I was excited to be a part of that immortal friendship. You left me out, Cory.

Cory: Topanga, you were in the shower washing your hair for, like, eleven hours.

Topanga: Do you know why a husband is supposed to tell his wife when he’s going to do something? So she can tell him what a stupid idea it is before he does it.

Cory: Look. I don’t want you to think that you’re not my best friend, okay? And I do not want you to think that I would ever hurt you. (They lay in silence for a moment) Why was it a stupid idea?

Topanga: Because you hurt someone’s feelings.

Cory: Rachel’s?

Topanga: And mine. (Lays on her side, her back to Cory)

Cory: Oh, great. The butt. (Lays on his side, his back to Topanga)

[SCENE – Jack, Eric, and Shawn’s apartment. Jack and Shawn sit at the counter with some food. Eric sits on top of the counter behind them, holding a book]

Eric: Alright, look, I’m glad you’re both here. Listen to me. I’ve been reading a lot about this guy named Gandhi. Now Gandhi’s an Indian. He’s a Cherokee, I think, but that’s not really what’s important. Gandhi is a master at solving all conflicts peacefully. Now the first thing we need to do is start a dialogue. (Looks at Jack, who says nothing. Then Shawn, who also remains silent.) Okay, to have a dialogue somebody has to talk. (Looks in his book) Somebody has to talk, yeah. So who’s gonna go first?

Jack: (To Shawn) Ah, to hell with you, man.

Eric: Now that’s good. Let’s build from that.

Shawn: (To Jack) To hell with you, too.

Eric: I don’t think you guys are getting it. So I’m gonna skip right ahead to the next chapter (Opens book) which is, of course, the hunger strike. I will not eat or drink until the two of you make up okay go hummmmmmmmm… (Eyeing Shawn’s burger) Looks good. Got a cheeseburger, there? (Eyeing Jack’s pie) (Cartman voice) Havin’ a little bit of pie? (Regular voice) It’s fine, it’s fine. (To self) Yummmmmmm… Oh I am so freakin; hungry (Takes burger from Shawn and devours it).

Shawn: Eric, butt out.

Eric: (Mouthful of burger) I can’t butt out I’m the peacemaker. That’s why I’m on both sides but, uh, shhhh… (holds finger to mouth)

Shawn: You aren’t on anybody’s side.

Eric: What are you talking about, everybody wanted me?

Jack: Nobody wanted you.

Eric: What?

Jack: Nobody wanted you on their team! (Hurt, Eric walks away)

Shawn: What’d you do that for?

Jack: Don’t tell me what to do. Moron. (Shawn leaves)

[SCENE – Student café. Shawn sits at a table with Angela. Topanga is at the next table]

Shawn: Look, I know I do crazy things sometimes. I hope you still love me.

Angela: I’m not talking to you. (Walks away)

Topanga: (Shawn looks to her) I’m not talking to you, either. (Gets up)

Shawn: What? Topanga, you and I are on the same team.

Topanga: Oh, sure we are, right. Well, here. Here’s my coffee. (Hands him coffee mug) Why don’t you make a toast? (Walks away)

[Cut to outside the café. Cory is entering as Angela is exiting]

Cory: Hey, Angela.

Angela: I’m not talking to you.

Topanga: (Walks past Cory) I’m not talking to you, either.

Angela: (To Topanga) And I’m not talking to you.

Topanga: (Turns, to Angela) And I’m not talking to you!

Cory: (Enters café and sits at table with Shawn) Are you talking to me?

Shawn: Shut up.

Cory: Okay...

To Be Continued…