12 Tapes for a Penny

Adult Adam: Ah, the '80s... A time before you could magically download music, and your stereo was your pride and joy. Just one problem... Tapes cost a fortune, so I only owned two, both of which were the "Cocktail" soundtrack. Luckily, back then, there was a way to get free music.

Man: And coming in at number 2, Chicago.

Adult Adam: Waiting for three hours to record it right off the radio. Unfortunately, in my house, that wasn't so easy.

Hey, hey, Barry, do you mind? I'm recording Chicago.

You won't hear a thing. Look at my hands.

These are the fingers of a surgeon.

[Buzzer]

Not cool, funny bone! Not cool!

I'm home! The TV's mine!

Shh!

Dad, I'm recording music.

And I'm watching a very special "Gilligan's island" where the Harlem globetrotters come to visit.

Please, just give me three minutes.

I've always loved Gilligan, and I love meadowlark lemon.

I never thought the two of them would meet.

[Buzzer] Damn it!

Can you at least try to...

I hate you and this house.

I didn't even do anything.

Oh, well, I suppose the car just dented itself.

[Buzzer] Come on, man!

Like I'm supposed to believe... [Buzzer]

Why does this thing keep going off?

They built a basketball court on the island!

[Barks] My own daughter...

[Buzzer] Damn it!

Damn it! Darn it!

That's obviously stupid.

Apparently...

[Buzzer] Yep, it seemed I would never get to enjoy the music I liked until one company changed everything.

Columbia house.

My god! How did you get all those tapes on a lawn mower's salary?

They got this catalog filled with albums, and they just give you 12 tapes for a penny.

That deal defies all reason.

I know. I got them all... Abba to Zappa.

'Sup, pretty eyes?

Not much, DK.

Sweet tapes.

Yeah. I don't know, man.

There's, like, a bunch of legal stuff here.

Dave Kim doesn't read the fine print.

He lives in the moment.

Tapes!

It had to be too good to be true. So I went to the biggest con artist in my family... My big sister.

Sure, you get a bunch of tapes up front, but then you enter into a contract to order more for full price.

In the end, Columbia house always comes for you.

Man, I bet they have like ex-Navy seals to collect their money.

I think you're giving them too much credit.

Point is you can't get something for free.

Sure you can.

What you do is go into a store, take a bunch of stuff, and then just walk out.

Yeah, that's called stealing.

[Mockingly] That's called stealing.

That's what you sound like.

Wait, wait.

What if I give Columbia house a fake name and take the 12 tapes?

Well, it's illegal, but very clever.

Yes! Then let's do this!

As much as I would love to commit mail fraud with you, Mom's really been on my back lately.

Aw, come on. Commit a felony with me.

It'll be a good bonding experience, or at the very least a cautionary tale.

Whoa. Your little brother's hardcore.

Yeah, a hardcore nerd.

Not anymore, Erica.

Face it... Now I'm a certified badass.

Schmoopie. "Muppet babies" is on.

Yippee!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪ ♪ but nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪ ♪ I don't know the future ♪ ♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was march 16, 1980-something, and my brother went to pick up his girlfriend, Lainey. One problem... he had to get by her dad first.

Lainey!

The scream-y kid with the crazy eyebrows is here.

Special night. It's our 10-month anniversary.

Anniversaries are for years, not months, so you're celebrating nothing.

Let me see your wallet.

Here, take it.

$6?

Where do you plan to take her tonight?

A vending machine at a bus station?

Oh, it's fine. She usually pays.

[Chuckles] Lainey: Hey, bar.

♪

Nope! Absolutely not! [Music stops]

Shutting it down. [Clears throat]

[Chuckles]

If that jacket hits the floor tonight, so do you.

Okay, kids, have a great time.

Even though Barry had won the love of his life, it was becoming clear he had not won over her dad.

[Sighs] Yet.

Nothing like a cold one after work, am I right?

Amen to that, brother!

Love me the old brew ha-ha, nectar of the gods, foam hammer, wheat and greet, little truth water, golden problem solver, beer.

Move over, rover.

Are you telling me you drink?

No!

You just said you love cold suds.

So which is it? Are you a lush or a liar?

He's a moron. I'm gonna grab us a refill, Mur.

You want a six pack, Mickey Mantle?

Mnh-mnh.

Why?

I'm probably being a little paranoid, but it kind of seems like Bill hates my living guts.

Hoo-hoo! He sure does!

I don't get it.

Mom says I'm literally a human ray of sunshine.

Your mom's a nice lady, but she's done some real damage to you.

I need Bill to be my friend.

He's like a father to Lainey.

You're the boyfriend.

No Dad likes the guy who's dating his daughter.

So it's not personal.

Yes!

Top shelf.

Yeah, throw this away.

No.

I'll time you.

Okay, got to beat my record.

While Barry was happily distracted, I was focused on pulling off the biggest scam ever.

Dude, what are you doing?

I've had a revelation.

Why create one fake name and get 12 tapes, when you can create infinite fake names and get all the tapes?

Are you sure this is a good idea?

I've thought of everything, Erica.

See, Columbia house has agents everywhere looking to collect their money.

But I'll be one step ahead of them with this.

Each of my phony identities has elaborately fleshed-out backstories that I've completely committed to memory.

Optimus O'Prime? Really, dude?

Whose first name is Optimus?

This guy.

He's a 41-year-old truck driver who spends his long nights on the road jamming to the soft-rock stylings of Chicago.

Ugh, why?

Because I'm playing god, Erica.

Meet Dr. Garth Vaderstein.

He's got asthma and issues with his son.

He's also got an insane love of hall & Oates.

Well, we all have hobbies.

Next, meet Stu Voltron, age 43.

He's a divorced veterinarian.

The only thing he loves more than animals?

Billy Joel.

I think maybe you should pump the brakes on your life of crime.

I think you should beat it, narc.

[Doorbell rings] [Gasps] Yay, tapes.

♪

For mere pennies, I had enough soft rock for two lifetimes. Wow.

That's a whole lot of music cassettes.

How did you get the money for all that?

Do you want to ask questions?

Or do you want a little Neil Diamond?

I saw nothing.

Good answer. As I was in way over my head, Barry was trying to make some headway with Bill.

[Laughs]

There he is.

It's happening.

He's changed his mind about me.

Anthony Balsamo, you old son of a gun.

Where you been? Why don't you come around anymore?

'Cause your beautiful daughter broke up with me.

Ah, women... Who can understand them?

Hey, when am I gonna see you out on the links again?

My buddy and I have a tee time this weekend.

You should caddy for me. Keep this duffer on the green.

Look out! [Laughs]

[Laughs] Hey.

Ugh.

I hate it when my dad talks golf with my ex.

They used to do it all the time when we dated.

Your dad liked him while you two were dating?

I thought he hated me 'cause I'm your boyfriend.

Oh, sweetie, no.

My dad hates you as, like, a person.

You being my boyfriend is just a happy coincidence.

Well, don't worry.

I know a man who's got the inside track on your dad, and he'll be more than happy to help me.

Mmmmm, yeah, uh...

What is that? Is that a yes or a no?

Yeaaaa-no...

You're mashing yes and no together.

Speak clearly in English words.

No... Yeah, uh...

Come on, Dad.

You're Bill's best friend. Just talk to him for me.

Talk? We mostly sit in comfortable silence and drink.

You never once told him how cool or funny or athletic I am?

You know, it's never come up, and I don't think it ever will.

Can you at least tell him how good I am at getting all the shampoo out of my hair in the shower?

As a favor to you, no.

Did you tell him how I can palm a volleyball?

No, 'cause you can't do it consistently.

Tell him how good I am at all-you-can-eat shrimp.

That red lobster hates me... Tell him.

No.

Fine.

If you're not gonna tell him about me, at least tell me about him.

All I can tell you is he likes cheesesteaks and the cowboys.

That's all you know about him?

Oh! He also likes John Denver.

Perfect.

Who are you? Dr. Doom?

And so my brother was scheming to win over Bill. Meanwhile, my mom was about to get wise to my scheme.

Got a package for Papa Smurfenstein.

I think you've got the wrong address.

I suppose that means there's also now Inspector Gidget?

No.

Gary Grayskull?

No.

Snake Plotkin?

No.

Ivan Drago?

No.

John Mcclaneberg?

No.

Hulk Hulkerstein?

No.

General Zod?

No.

Jean Claude Van Thunderdome?

What's going on?

Let me guess.

You have teenagers?

Well, one of them's been using a lot of fake names to get free tapes.

Well, I think it's obvious who's responsible.

Me?!

Yes, you.

Who else would it be?

Kermit D. Fonz?

That's got Adam written all over it.

You expect me to believe that Adam did this?

Yes.

Adam?

Adam.

My delicious little snuggle monster?

Yes, Adam.

Adam?

He's guilty. Tell her you're guilty.

Why does she say these things, Mama?

I'm just a little boy.

See? He has an alibi. He's a little boy.

Why do you always blame me for everything?

Just open the box and look at the tapes, and you'll see it wasn't me.

[Sighs]

Weird Al, "The Songs Of 'Fraggle Rock", "The Best Of Andrew Lloyd Webber", and, finally, "101 Farts, Volume 2".

Hope it was worth it, Erica. You're grounded for a month.

No phone, no crimper.

A month with smooth hair? Are you crazy?

Tell her!

Okay, fine. I-it really was me.

I-it was such a good deal.

I got caught in the heat of the moment.

Which is also a song I got for a fraction of a penny.

Shh, you don't have to lie for her anymore.

Seriously?

What?

Let Mama make you a banana split.

[Chuckles] Okay? You get nothing.

Oof, tough break.

Take Sheila e. For your troubles.

[Clatter]

This is ridiculous.

Why do I always get blamed for everything that goes wrong in this house?

'Cause you do most of it.

You know, if mom thinks I'm so bad, maybe it's time to show her how bad I can really be.

Wait, this was you holding back?

Oh, this is not good.

Tired of being labeled the troublemaker, my sister decided to live up to her name.

Wow, yeah, okay.

Let's do this. Let's shoplift.

Trust me... It's super fun and easy.

And also the only thing that really makes me feel alive.

Ooh! Fanny packs.

I mean, how much worse is shoplifting than scamming Columbia house anyway?

Getting 12 tapes for a penny is like the same thing as shoplifting.

Just a tip...

Maybe don't say "shoplifting" so much while you're shoplifting.

Right, gotcha.

'Cause we're not shoplifting, which is, by the way, totally a victimless crime.

I'm hearing a lot of justifying and not a lot of stealing.

Catch up, girl.

Yep, my sister was ready for a life of crime just as Barry was preparing to steal Bill's heart.

Gentlemen!

Thought you might like to load up on some meat and cheese before an active day in the hot sun.

You're a fan, right, Bill?

Of Geno's cheesesteaks. You bought Pat's.

Why not just punch me in the face?

Aren't they directly across the street from each other with the exact same ingredients?

Go on... punch my face. Do it.

Or we go to the Eagles-Cowboys game.

50-yard line, root for America's team?

I thought you were a Diehard Eagles fan.

Until I discovered the cowboys, my other favorite team, which happens to be yours.

You're gonna turn on The Eagles just like that?

Son, don't you have any spine at all?

No. But you know what I do have?

Matching bucket hats!

Why?

Oh, no.

'Cause you love Bob Denver.

You know, Gilligan, from the island.

What?

He's my favorite, too.

I don't like Bob Denver. I like John Denver.

Is there a difference?

Oh, no.

Yes, one is folk icon who melts my heart.

The other is a scrawny weirdo who couldn't close with ginger or Mary Ann.

[Laughs] I totally know the difference.

I'm just busting chops.

I just got you this hat so your head won't burn.

Are you calling me bald?

No, you have a beautiful head of hair.

On the sides.

You look like a judge.

Well, it's almost tee time.

Come on, Barry. You're gonna come with us today.

He is?

I am?

Yeah, I invited the boy to join us.

You did?

You did?

Yeah, Barry and I play golf all the time.

It's our thing.

I've never golfed with you, not once.

Moron, I'm doing you a solid.

Don't blow this.

My dad did Barry the rare solid. Now all Barry had to do was drive it home with Bill.

Ah, golf. The sport of kings.

And queens... Equal rights.

[Chuckles] I respect your foxy daughter.

No, not foxy... She's an uggo to me.

Not everyone else.

They all think she has an awesome, plump butt.

What the [Bleep] man?

Okay, you're trying way too hard.

I get it... be myself.

No, don't do that either.

Wild Bill!

You need a caddy?

There he is.

Anthony Balsamo's here?

I can't compete with him. He's a total babe.

Relax, you're playing golf with Bill.

He's just the caddy.

You're right.

He's the caddy... The guy behind the guy.

He's the one in Bill's ear whispering sweet advice.

That's what I got to do.

Not what I meant.

Hey, pretty boy. Take a lap, I got this.

Just give me a sec. I'll catch up.

♪

Hey, I got a package for Lucky Goldberg.

Gonna need your signature.

Yeah, Lucky's a dog.

Then I don't know what to do.

Please don't slam the door.

The nerve of that Erica.

First she frames her brother, and then she ropes in our sweet little puppy.

You're not cut out for a life of crime.

You're just a Cockapoo.

I ordered the tapes.

I mean, it's like that girl doesn't ever hear a word I say.

I ordered the tapes.

She's my daughter.

How come she refuses to listen to me?

My god, woman. I ordered the damn tapes.

I saw Adam do it, and I wanted in.

Wait. It was you?

With that, my mom finally realized she did blame Erica for everything, even when she was clearly innocent.

Uh, mom?

It's for you. Erica's in mall jail.

And two seconds later, Erica was back to being guilty.

I stole something else, but you're never gonna find it.

Your friend's weird.

[Sighs] There you are.

Classic Erica.

You know, I actually started to think maybe I'd been too hard on you, and then you go and shoplift?

And the worst thing is I'm not even surprised.

Actually, your daughter didn't do anything wrong.

I was just having her stick around because this one is freaking me out.

It's true.

Erica tried to talk me out of it, and I didn't listen.

Oh, god, my stomach's in knots.

Can I use the bathroom?

This way.

Accusing Erica yet again didn't help matters. Luckily, my mom had a way with words.

So...

Honest mistake, you know?

Pedicures, my treat?

You know, you made me feel like such a bad person that I actually thought about stealing.

Schmoo, I'm sorry...

I don't want to hear you're sorry ever again.

No matter what I do, you're always gonna expect the worst from me.

You have no idea how hard that is coming from you.

No idea.

♪

Carla: You'll never catch me, mall hog!

I feel so alive!

Even though Bill Lewis was having the round of his life, my brother was having no luck breaking the ice.

Being a caddy sucks.

All Bill wants me to do is wash his balls and hold his bag.

It's funny but hard work.

I told you not to caddy for him.

[Sighs] I messed this whole thing up.

I'll never get another shot with Bill.

All right. I'm gonna help you.

For real?

Yeah.

But this counts as your birthday present.

Hey, Bill. Tweaked my shoulder.

Barry's gonna finish the round for me.

[Sighs] Gonna use a driver on this one.

You're 60 yards out.

Don't use my expensive driver for this chip shot.

Unh-unh-unh-unh, no talking in my backswing.

I learned that after I did it to you three times.

It was now or never. Barry would have to dig down deep inside himself and do the impossible.

Son of a bitch.

That's about right.

It's okay. I got this.

Whoa!

Way colder than I thought.

As Barry desperately flailed in that murky golf pond, my dad realized the kid really needed a life preserver.

Starting to see why you call him moron so much.

Yeah, well, the thing is he's the sweetest moron you'd ever want to meet.

And he loves your daughter...

So much that he'd do anything to impress you.

I'm feeling around with my feet.

It's mostly old golf balls and something with scales that's not afraid of humans.

So, please, cut the kid some slack.

Ohh!

I think I drowned a little.

It was a very peaceful feeling.

I saw my old Gerbil. I'm going back in.

There's my baby.

I made you your favorite... Cheeseburger lasagna.

Pass.

I don't want to get blamed if you burn it, so I'll just eat a lunchable.

But... Those are for lunch.

It's the wrong meal.

Wow, you really have failed as a mother.

Hey. I'm the only one allowed to say that.

Well, it's true.

You punished Erica for something I did, almost turning her to a life a crime.

If that ain't failing, I don't know what is.

Oh, you're right.

I want to tell her I'm sorry, but she refuses to hear it from me.

It dawned on me that I could finally use my crime for good.

Maybe there's someone else who can say it.

Thanks to my scam, there was one tape that was worth every penny. And it was the perfect way to say "I'm sorry."

Honey.

Go away.

I'm trying to enjoy my four crackers and ham square.

Look.

I don't blame for acting out after the way I treated you.

I really don't want to talk right now... or ever.

Well, you don't have to because I found a band that'll do it for us.

Sure, Columbia house drove Erica and my mom far apart. But it would also bring them closer than ever.

♪ Everybody needs a little time away ♪ ♪ everybody needs a little time away ♪

No, not Chicago.

♪ I heard her say ♪ ♪ I heard her say ♪

Stop doing what you're doing.

♪ Far away from their mother ♪ ♪ far away from each other ♪

Don't make the words about you.

♪ Hold me, Schmoo ♪

This is a nightmare.

♪ It's hard for me to say I'm sorry ♪ ♪ it's hard for me to say I'm sorry ♪ ♪ I just want you to stay ♪ ♪ I just want you to stay ♪

This is the worst.

[Sniffles] ♪ after all that we've been through ♪ ♪ after all that we've been through ♪ ♪ I will make it up to you ♪ ♪ I will make it up to you ♪ ♪ I promise to ♪ ♪ I promise to ♪ ♪ and after all that's been said and done ♪ ♪ and after all that's been said and done ♪ ♪ you're just the part of me I can't let go ♪ ♪ you're just the part of me I can't let go ♪

Adult Adam: And with the help of one soft-rock band, my mom was truly able to say sorry.

♪ Couldn't stand to be kept away ♪ ♪ couldn't stand to be kept away ♪ ♪ just for today ♪

There he is. You old son of a gun.

Are you talking to me?

Yeah.

♪ From your body ♪

Hey, sweetie. Can I have a minute with my caddy?

No.

♪ Wouldn't want to be swept away ♪

Be nice.

[Sighs]

♪ Far away from the one that I love ♪ listen.

I know I've been hard on you, but there's a reason.

♪ Hold me now ♪

'cause I'm not awesome like Anthony Balsamo?

[Scoffs] No.

To tell the truth, I knew those other guys were just a flash in the pan.

But what you two have, it's the real deal.

You think so?

Yeah. It's... Scary.

I guess I'm just not ready to lose my little girl.

But I'm gonna try to be better about it.

Inspired by the girl they both loved, Bill decided to start a new chapter with Barry. [Laughs]

As for me, I closed the book on my life of crime.

Not so fun getting grounded for a month, huh?

Honestly, it's a relief. I was on a dark road.

Farewell, Garth Vaderstein.

Nice knowing you.

Don't talk to him, Erica. He's grounded.

You know, you could learn a thing or two from you big sister.

And my mom finally turned a new page with Erica.

I really could.

Made you a banana split.

You get nothing.

Hey, jailbird. Want to split this?

I would like that.

Growing up, we're all seen a certain way.

Yes! Mark it down... Octuple Bogey!

Whoo!

But the people you love always see you for who you really are.

He's a moron.

He really is.

And that's something worth celebrating.

♪

Adam: This is my tapes, my other tapes.

Welcome to Contempo Casuals.

Did you find all the hot styles you were looking for today?

What? Since when do you work here?

I had no choice.

I'm into Columbia house... Deep.

They send me letters every day. I owe them hundreds.

I told you to read the fine print, Dave Kim.

Shh! Don't say my name!

They have agents everywhere.

Look, that girl checking out the stirrup pants.

She's here for me. I don't have your money, man.

I'll get it! Just give me time!

[Crying] I need more time.