22 Jump Street

Jenko: Ooh, I like sharks.
 * Voice Over: Previously on 21 Jump Street. [a young long haired Jenko notices a young Schmidt in his Slim-Shady in the school hallway]
 * Jenko: You're a fucking nerd. [then it cuts to Jenko sitting in his principals office]
 * Principal: Boy, you're lucky you even graduated. [next it cuts to the police academy with Jenko slamming Schmidt to his back on the wrestling mat]
 * Schmidt: Fuck! You're good at this, huh?
 * Jenko: Yeah. [next it cuts to Jenko failing his test and Schmidt passing with top grades] You're really good at this?
 * Schmidt: Yeah.
 * Jenko: Hey, you wanna be friends? [we see them training together and becoming friends as they graduate the academy] [we see some footage from the previous film when they are fooling around in a park pointing their guns at each other]
 * Schmidt: This isn't loaded. [we see them on their last case in 21 Jump Street going back to high school, then fooling around with some lobsters at Schmidt's house]
 * Jenko: Just touch it! Just touch it.
 * Schmidt: Seriously! [then Jenko takes a photo of Schmidt holding the lobster] Alright, alright, alright. [Schmidt places the lobster in a large pan; next it cuts to when they took down the drug dealers Mr. Walters and Eric Molson and Jenko takes a bullet for Schmidt] You took a bullet for me, man!
 * Mr. Walters: You shot me in the dick! [next it cuts to Jenko and Schmidt walking back into the police station and everyone cheering for them and then cuts to the end when Dickson tell them they're going to college]
 * Captain Dickson: You two sons of bitches are goin' to college! [at college a professor is giving a lecture to his class]
 * University of Internet Professor: Yin is characterized as slow, soft, passive, and it's associated with water in femininity. While Yang, by contrast is... [we then see Schmidt and Jenko are watching the lecture on their iPad as they stand by their car in a parking lot]
 * Schmidt: Man, this is B.S. I thought we were going to actual college, not online college, listening to coded messages and lectures.
 * Jenko: What are you talking about? Look around. This is our city. What do we want to be in college for?
 * Schmidt: You're right. Partners for life. [they fist pump each other then look back at the screen as the professor gives them the coded message]
 * University of Internet Professor: At Metro City Port, the tide comes in at 10:30 a.m., then it will return to the sea.
 * Jenko: That's our port. In and out. [they open up the trunk to reveal a lot of handguns]
 * Schmidt: Let's do this. [they start fooling around whilst holding the guns] Surprise, there's two more arms. [they head to Metro City Port and Schmidt notices the wanted drug lord, The Ghost] Shit! That's The Ghost.
 * Jenko: The Ghost?
 * Schmidt: Lousten Nielsen. The biggest trafficker of illegal goods in Mexico City. Then he teamed up with the Mexican cartel and running all this shit through the poor. What the hell are we supposed to be buying?
 * Jenko: I don't know. [Schmidt starts buttoning up his shirt] What are you doing?
 * Schmidt: Huh? I got a new identity that's gonna be killed. I'm going to be throwing it to you to make it legit. [Jenko sighs]
 * Jenko: Okay.
 * Schmidt: I'm gonna need you to improvise, okay?
 * Jenko: I don't know how to improvise.
 * Schmidt: I'm gonna need you to improvise.
 * Jenko: I don't fucking want to improvise, I don't know what we're doing.
 * Schmidt: Okay, I need absolute silence until I can form the character.
 * Jenko: What? What do you mean...
 * Schmidt: I need absolute silence while I form the character. [Schmidt closes his eyes and puts his fingers by the bridge of his nose to concentrate]
 * Jenko: Can you give me like a head start on the character...
 * Schmidt: I need absolute silence. I need absolute silence.
 * Jenko: Can you please just...
 * Schmidt: I need absolute...absolute silence. [Schmidt gets out of the car now looking like his character, wearing a bandanna on his head and sunglasses, Jenko joins him carrying a bag, they start walking with Schmidt doing his character's walk]
 * Jenko: Oh, are you fucking serious right now? [the head over to meet with Ghost and his men]
 * The Ghost: Alright! I hate people who are late.
 * Schmidt: We're trying to see that product. [pointing to the van] Oh, shit. Yoh, Sleepy! What's up, homie? You know my cousin Savoy?
 * Scarface: I think you've got the wrong guy, homes?
 * Schmidt: That's bullshit. man! You're Sleepy. Everyone's sayin' Nebario's Sleepy, he's like the Mexican Wolverine and shit. Hey, my partner here, he wanna see the product.
 * Scarface: Why ain't he talking? [Jenko hesitates before replying in a high pitched Mexican voice]
 * Jenko: My name is...Jeff.
 * Schmidt: He's half A, man. [to Jenko] Hey, but tell him about Massey Kissi dinner, man. Tell him about that crazy adventure you guys had. [Jenko look at Schmidt uncomfortably]
 * Jenko: I don't know...what you're talking about.
 * Schmidt: Oh, man! When you were telling the story last night, you had so much detail. The details was so rich...
 * Jenko: I don't know...
 * Schmidt: It was rich detail. Go into incredibly descriptive details of the story so that we all know. [Jenko looks uncomfortable]
 * Jenko: Oh, yes. Uh...it was Dora, and Diego and Swiper.
 * Scarface: Swiper?
 * Schmidt: And who was that you choked out, man? Oh, he had it coming. Who was that?
 * Jenko: Boots.
 * Schmidt: No, man! That wasn't Boots! Boots isn't a real name. You gotta tell them the real story, man. Start over from the top! That's a made up name! [The Ghost walks over and looks at Schmidt and Jenko with suspicion]
 * The Ghost: Can't believe the punks I have to deal with these days. [he pulls out a switchblade and ejects the blade] Really makes me miss the 90s. [he places the edge of the knife against Schmidt's throat for a moment] When we had professional around. [he then turns the knife around and offers it to them] You want to check out the goods? Check it out. [Schmidt takes the knife] And shut up. Right?
 * Schmidt: [to Scarface; referring to Ghost] Where did you find this gringo, man? The fucking Mumford & Sons concert and shit? [he laughs] [Schmidt and Jenko get into the back of Ghost's truck and open a crate]
 * Jenko: What is it? Guns? Drugs? [suddenly an octopus jumps on Schmidt's face]
 * Schmidt: Oh! Oh, no! No!
 * Jenko: Ew! [the octopus then starts inking in Schmidt's mouth]
 * Schmidt: It's inking in my mouth! [Jenko tries to get the octopus off Schmidt's face] Tenticle is in me! [Jenko tries to pry the octopus off of Schmidt's face]
 * Jenko: It's so strong! It's got a pretty strong hold, man.
 * Schmidt: Get it off my face! [finally Jenko manages to pull the octopus off of Schmidt's face, not realizing that in their panic they had drop their accents] Ah! Shit!
 * Jenko: We got murdered by exotic animals. It's like we expected it to be in there.
 * The Ghost: Your accents are gone, man. Take them out, guys. They're cops. [suddenly Ghost and his men start shooting at them] [as Ghost's men are shooting at them, Ghost gets into the truck and starts pulling away]
 * Jenko: What was that?
 * Schmidt: I think we're moving. [Ghost drives off in the truck] We're definitely moving! [as the animals in the crates are set loose]
 * Jenko: There's fucking bird and shit in here! [some birds fly past them]
 * Schmidt: What the fuck?! [then Jenko notices a reptile]
 * Jenko: There's a fucking dragon in here! [suddenly Jenko screams when a bird lands on his back] [as Ghost drives off he hits into Schmidt's and Jenko's car making it explode] What was that? [they look out to see their car burning] Dude, that was our car! We shared so much in that car! I'm going to shoot him in the face, man! That was our fucking car! [suddenly Jenko hops on top of the truck]
 * Schmidt: What are you doing? I can't t-move onto the truck! Don't make me do the move!
 * Jenko: Just get up here!
 * Schmidt: I can't do that!
 * Jenko: Then fucking climb around, come on! Climb around! [Schmidt goes to climb onto the roof] Come on, buddy! You go it! [Schmidt dangles on the side of the truck]
 * Schmidt: This is so scary! Don't leave me out here!
 * Jenko: [to Scarface as Schmidt is trying to climb onto the roof] Shoot him!
 * Scarface: I'm all out!
 * The Ghost: You stupid moron! [finally Jenko manages to help Schmidt climb onto the truck's roof]
 * Jenko: Come up.
 * Schmidt: Fuck!
 * Jenko: Alright! You good?
 * Schmidt: Yeah!
 * Jenko: All you gotta do is follow me now, okay? [Jenko turns to go and as Schmidt goes to follow him his foot in a rope, he falls over the edge, dangling over the edge of the truck] Shit!
 * Schmidt: Aaaah!
 * Jenko: Dude, get up here!
 * Schmidt: I can't!
 * Jenko: Alright, fine! I can do this...
 * Schmidt: I'm gonna die!
 * Jenko: You're not gonna die! Just get the fuck up here! [Jenko uses the end of the rope to drag Schmidt across the truck as he continues to dangle over the edge]
 * Jenko: Pull yourself up. Use your foot. Come on, come on, come one! [Jenko manages to pull Schmidt up and onto the roof] Yeah! You good to stand on your own now?
 * Schmidt: Yeah!
 * Scarface: I think we lost them. [suddenly Jenko leaps onto front of the truck] Shit! [then Jenko breaks something off the roof] He's like the fucking Terminator! [Jenko starts hitting the windshield and breaks it]
 * Jenko: You are under arrest! Pull the truck over! I said pull the fucking truck over, right fucking now! [he puts his arms inside through the whole in the windshield and grabs hold of Ghost] You owe me a car! It better be a fucking Lamborghini, you bitch! [at the same time Schmidt finally manages to stand on the roof]
 * Schmidt: I did it! [as he's holds onto Ghost through the broken windshield]
 * Jenko: You have the right to remain silent! [Schmidt suddenly notices a beam coming up ahead]
 * Schmidt: Oh, shit! [Schmidt goes smack straight into the beam sending him flying and as Jenko is tied to Schmidt via the rope, Jenko goes off the hood as well and the both hang off the beam]
 * The Ghost: Holy Moses! [Ghost and Scarface get away as Schmidt and Jenko hang off the beam]
 * Jenko: Shit! What happened?
 * Schmidt: I think they got away. [Schmidt and Jenko sit in front of Hardy, who simply stares at Schmidt]
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: Is that a hickey? [Schmidt turns his head to reveal massive marks on the side of his neck]
 * Schmidt: Oh, this uh...this was actually uh...an octopus from the incident. Um...I opened a crate, and uh...the octopus had leapt onto my face and it has...apparently they have many many arms. Um...
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: They have eight tentacles.
 * Schmidt: Yes. And uh...
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: Look, ladies, nobody gave a shit about the Jump Street reboot when you first came on. Anyone with half a brain, myself included, thought it was destined to fail spectacularly. But you got lucky. So now this department has invested a lot of money to make sure Jump Street keeps going. We've doubled their budget, as if spending twice the money guaranteed twice the profit. [Jenko chuckles]
 * Jenko: Yeah. Like that's gonna work.
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: Yeah. Well, the Commissioner's convinced this debacle happened because you weren't doing the same undercover student thing you did the first time. She doesn't get that it's always worse the second time around. You settle into worn out roles. [pointing to Schmidt then Jenko] One gets possessive, the other runs away. You begin a slow painful unraveling as all of the good things that came before begin to be crushed by the trash compactor of sadness.
 * Schmidt: That doesn't sound like us. I mean...
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: I'm getting a divorce. [there's a small pause]
 * Jenko: We don't want to do the same thing. We want to burst through our ceiling, you gotta find another ceiling and you gotta bust through that one. And you just gotta keep hammering ceilings...
 * Schmidt: Okay, okay, okay.
 * Jenko: What if we actually went to the Secret Service and like try to protect the White House? I think, I'm saying we can...
 * Schmidt: I don't think...I don't think that would work.
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: I'm gonna ask you to stop talking.
 * Jenko: I thought it was a pretty good idea.
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: Do the same thing as last time. Everyone's happy. [Jenko and Schmidt are standing outside the Korean church at 21 Jump Street]
 * Jenko: I can't believe the Koreans bought their church back.
 * Schmidt: Yeah. But I mean good thing there was even a bigger abandoned church directly across the street.
 * Jenko: Yeah, that's convenient.
 * Schmidt: Yes, it is convenient. [they walk over to the bigger church at 22 Jump Street]
 * Jenko: Next year we'll probably be just right back across the street, just next door.
 * Schmidt: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
 * Jenko: I'm not ahead of ourselves, it's right next to us. [as they walk into the church at 22 Jump Street we see behind them is a sign for "23 Jump Street Condominiums"] [as they enter inside the church at 22 Jump Street]
 * Jenko: This is awesome, like way more expensive for no reason.
 * Schmidt: Look at Dickson's office. Looks like a giant cubicle of ice. [they walk over to Dickson]
 * Captain Dickson: How you bitches like Jump Street now?
 * Schmidt: Hey.
 * Captain Dickson: You all see this shit? 22 Jump Street is the lick. And I gotta big ass raise to babysit you two fuckers again. [referring to the interior of the headquarters] Designed it myself. We got espresso bar, thinking about a shark tank over there.
 * Captain Dickson: Fuck 21 Jump Street, and fuck the Korean Jesus.
 * Jenko: Ooh, Cap, come on. [pointing to the massive statue opposite them] Korean Jesus is right there.
 * Captain Dickson: That's Vietnamese Jesus. See, this a Vietnamese Church, you racist sacrilegious sack of shit. Look at that. Vietnamese Jesus just drippin' swagoo. And we got some new dumb-ass interns. [to the interns] Hey, hey! Look alive!
 * Jenko: Ha-ha! Boys!
 * Delroy: Yoh, Jenko! [he holds up his and curls his fist like he's strangling Jenko's neck, Jenko pretends he's being strangled then holds up his and pretends to do the same to Delroy]
 * Roman: Hey, Schmidt! [Roman tries to do the same to Schmidt, but Schmidt just looks at them and shakes his head]
 * Schmidt: Don't do that.