Help Not Wanted (Jessie)

Do you know what these are?

Rejection letters from acting schools?

From agents?

From old boyfriends?

No, no... and the boyfriends usually just stop calling.

No, these are bills!

You guys have gone over your allowance again buying ridiculous things.

Hey, buying property on the moon is not ridiculous.

It's beach front, right on the sea of tranquility.

(Snickers) They saw you coming.

You're not much better, young lady.

Why would you buy a real Egyptian mummy?

Because when it comes to dolls, I say, "go big, or go home."

It's not a doll, it's a corpse!

Potato, potahto.

You don't say anything when Bertram buys stupid opera records.

Bertram can buy whatever he wants, no matter how weird.

He is an adult.

Yeah. (Blows raspberry)

When he's not acting like a big baby.

The point is, I work hard for my money, waiting on you kids hand and foot.

Oh, may I have more juice, please?

Get it yourself, queen latifah's on.

You guys need to appreciate how lucky you are.

I have to get a second job just to afford a nice gift for my dad's birthday.

Second job?

Don't you think you should master this nanny thing first?

Yeah, if you were any good at this, I wouldn't be buying moon condos.

How's this little bit of nannying?

Until the two of you learn to use your allowance responsibly, you're both cut off.

What?

No way!

You heard me. No more extravagant purchases!

(Counting) Three... Two...

Jessie: Zuri, Luke, get out here!

What were you thinking?

They were sold out of the big ones!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ it feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ but they keep on pulling me every which way ♪ ♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ my whole world is changing turning around ♪ ♪ they got me going crazy yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪ ♪ but they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪ ♪ and I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪ ♪ hey Jessie ♪ ♪ hey Jessie ♪ ♪ it feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Hey, Emma.

Here's that lip-gloss you wanted.

Oh, thank goodness! I've been wearing the same shade all day.

And that's a problem?

Uh, yeah! I need to swap my morning mauve for midday maroon. I'm not an animal.

Boomer here was just telling us some exciting news.

He is going to be reviewed by a critic from New York City magazine!

If Beau Jones likes us, he could put us on his top 10 list of park restaurants.

Jessie: Mmm.

The only top 10 I've ever made before was the worst dressed list!

I had to put you at number 5.

You insist on wearing those hats.

Speaking of sartorial matters, Jessie, why are you so dressed up?

Oh, I'm going on some job interviews today.

I've got my eye on a pretty pricey birthday gift for my dad.

It's a barbecue grill that also doubles as an amphibious landing craft!

You don't want to storm that beach on an empty stomach.

You know, if you need a job, we're looking for another waitress here at the skate building.

Great! When do I start?

As soon as you pass the application process. Hey, Emma.

I need you to give Jessie a job interview.

What?

Ooh, yay! Do I get to hold the clipboard and everything?

Sure, knock yourself out.

Good luck and stand up straight.

First impressions are important.

Two hours ago, I fished her retainer out of the toilet.

She owes me.

Please, step into my office.

Ooh, a corner office. Someone's doing well.

Name?

Seriously?

Name?

Jessie Prescott.

Address?

The room right next to yours?

Hmm, interviewee displaying signs of sarcasm.

Might be a red flag.

Skills?

Acting.

Jessie, I can't lie on an official document.

Have you ever committed a crime?

I'm considering one now.

Do you have any references?

Yes. You!

Okay. Hold on, let me check in with me.

Good news! It turns out I mostly think very highly of you.

Huh.

Boomer, she's hired!

Great. Welcome to the team, Jessie.

We've only got two rules, the customer is always right...

And never stick your hand in the deep fryer.

Who would be stupid enough to stick their hand in the deep fryer?

Hey, it was a new watch!

Bye, Mrs. Loman, I'll give this to Jessie.

Hey, Zuri, where'd you get the cash?

Becky's mom told me to give it to Jessie to thank her for the play date.

Although, I did all the playing.

Ouch!

What's the matter?

I think I just got an idea.

(Breathing heavily)

But we might have to fudge the truth a little bit.

You had me at fudge. Talk to me.

Maybe we can invite more of your little friends over, say Jessie is babysitting them, then pocket the cash to make up for our lost allowance.

Brilliant! I've got to buy the new Taylor Swift album.

If you're one of the first 1,000 downloads, you get a jar of her actual tears!

And Jessie's job is so easy.

All she really has to do is detail the helicopter and make sure we stay alive.

Hey, guys. Where's Becky?

Did her mom come to pick her up?

Yep. And she told me to give you... (Clears throat)

...a big hug!

Aw, that's sweet. (Chuckles)

But some cash would have been nice.

Okay, Ravi. I have your Adam and Eve on a raft and I wrecked them.

It's just diner lingo for two scrambled eggs on toast.

Oh, thank goodness. For a moment, I was very concerned for a poor shipwrecked couple and your impending legal entanglements.

Hey, Emma! Told you I could waitress. Pretty good, huh?

Definitely!

Only... oh, never mind.

No, what? Tell me.

Well, we always pre-butter the toast for our customers.

Well, I've actually found that people like to butter their own toast.

Oh, well, that's a nice idea, but where does it end?

Do you want them to grow their own corn, too? Milk their own chicken?

What?

Listen, I know what I'm doing.

I've been waitressing a long time and...

You just discovered that toast isn't made by fire elves.

I fail to recall ordering the side of awkwardness.

What's going on over here?

Oh, Emma and I were just having a little disagreement, but I think now we're on the same page.

Good. Because whatever Emma says, goes. She's the boss.

She's the boss?

I'm the boss?

Claro. She has seniority.

But I have tons of waitressing experience!

And Emma thinks "seniority" is a sorority you get to join your last year of high school!

I'd let you settle this in the ring, but bloody noses are bad for business.

Emma, you're in charge.

(Gasps) I can't believe I get to be the boss!

(Squeals) Oh, this must be what Obama feels like!

(Children chattering)

Hey, stop!

You'll get more air if you jump off the piano.

(Groans) Oh!

(Grunts)

You didn't tell me you were inviting people over. Who are these kids?

Oh, these guys?

They're, uh, old playground buddies.

We bonded during the great dog poop in the sandbox incident in 2011.

Ugh... sometimes I can still hear the flies...

Whatever. Just make sure they don't interrupt my meditation time.

Is that what we're calling your fifth nap of the day?

To repeat what I said earlier...

(Blows raspberry)

Zuri, why is our apartment filled with children?

Is this yet another party I was not invited to?

No, it's just that...

Hanging out with little kids makes me feel young again.

I haven't felt this alive since preschool!

Uh-huh. So Luke, why are you hanging out with all these kids?

I'm, uh...

Tutoring them.

Really? Spell tutor.

T-o-o...

Don't hurt yourself.

We're baby-sitting these kids to make some extra cash.

What kind of people would entrust you two with their children?

They don't trust us, they trust Jessie.

She just doesn't happen to know about it because we're untrustworthy.

Well, count me in. I, too, could use some mad cheddar.

Mr. Kipling needs a new fang brush.

So for once you're not going to be a snitchy mcsnitch?

Hey, I can be a bad boy if I choose.

I once told Jessie I made my bed when all I did was straighten the comforter.

The sheets underneath were all willy-nilly!

(Sighs)

Phew! It feels good to finally get that off my chest.

These kids are gonna tear you apart.

(Bell rings)

(Hisses)

What?

Here at the Empire Skate Building, it's our policy to only carry two plates at a time.

That way you're less likely to drop them.

Wasn't that policy only instituted because you kept tripping over pigeons?

Only because the pigeons keep ignoring my no pigeon policy.

(Hisses)

Is there another problem or have you sprung a leak?

Well, you're supposed to serve on the right, clear from the left.

Says who?

Edna Cumberbatch's big book of manners.

Honestly, it's like you never went to finishing school.

I didn't go to finishing school.

Really? Well, that explains a lot.

Emma, sweetie, maybe you should cool it with the micro-managing.

Jessie, Boomer put me in charge.

This is a really important week for him, with the New York City magazine critic coming, and I am not going to let him down.

Yes, but not everything has to be perfect.

With that attitude you'll never win employee of the month.

You only won because you were the only employee!

Employee clearly jealous of supervisor.

Although who can blame employee.

Just one more week. I'm doing this for my dad, it'll be over soon.

(Hisses)

That's it, I'm taking a bathroom break.

You just took one 10 minutes ago.

Yes, but I forgot to bang my head against the wall and count to 10.

(Pigeons cooing)

(Shrieks)

(Hisses) Gotta watch those pigeons. (Clicks pen)

Quit it, you rug rats!

And you two!

Were you born in a barn?

One day I hope you have kids who are just as horrible as you are!

Oh, no. I'm turning into Jessie!

I'm guessing arts and crafts isn't going so well.

So many stickers!

(Children shrieking)

It's a stampede!

Run for your lives! (Shrieks)

What do we do?

I do not know, but if there is running involved, I am doomed!

Zuri: No!

(All shrieking)

Have a nice day.

Oh, hello!

Welcome to the Empire Skate Building.

Would you like to try our Empire Skate steak?

Or maybe our Statue of rib-erties?

Maybe a Hamptons ham-wich? Please, stop me.

Actually, I'm a vegetarian.

I believe earth's creatures have souls.

Well, I'm a texan. I believe earth's creatures taste great in a hickory glaze. Hmm.

But can I go ahead and get you one of our famous veggie burgers?

Groovy.

All right. I'll be back in a New York minute.

Quick staff meeting?

(Startled gasp) Ah!

You didn't write that order down.

Oh, I know. I never forget anything.

You forgot Ravi at that gas station.

I still don't know how. I don't even have a car!

Write it down.

I don't need to.

You have to do what I say. I'm your boss!

No, I don't! Despite that nametag you ordered that says, "Jessie's boss!"

(Sizzles)

That's it! I'm writing you up!

Oh, good. I can't wait for another eloquent performance review that includes the sentence, "employee has a tendency to be a meanie." (Exasperated sigh)

You just can't stand the fact that for once you're not the one in charge.

No, I just can't stand the fact that the one in charge is on a gigantic power trip!

The only power trip I've ever been on was a power boat tour of Capri!

Well, I wish you were there now! (Gasps)

That's not very nice! It's the off-season!

Uh, sorry to interrupt, but there's no ketchup.

(Slams) I'm sorry, she's new.

I'm sorry. She's crazy with power.

Ladies, shouldn't we all take a deep breath and meditate on this?

Mind your own business!

Mind your own business!

(Spits out)

This is an old dishrag!

I know, but it's not nice to say when she's standing right there.

I'm so sorry. She distracted me!

I wasn't distracting, I was supervising. Which you obviously need!

(Gasps) Hot! Burning! Tongue melting!

This is not ketchup, it's hot sauce!

Well, they're both red! How am I supposed to know the difference?

Only one of them has a flaming skull on it!

Maybe you should write yourself up.

Stop it!

I'm writing you both up!

With a bummer of a review in new York city magazine! (Emma gasps)

You're Beau Jones?

(Stutters) Um, I don't suppose I can interest you in a free dessert?

Something a little less dishrag-y?

Not in this life, or the next!

Well...

Maybe, uh, I could change your mind?

Are you trying to bribe me?

With $2 in a paper clip?

No.

I haven't experienced such a rotten dining environment since the Roadkill roadhouse!

And at least they served a pretty good veggie possum!

Whoa, that guy did not look happy.

Good thing he left before the reviewer got here.

Uh, Boomer...

I have something to tell you.

But before I do, I want you to take a deep breath and remember...

It was all Jessie's fault!

Did you hurt your back throwing me under that bus?

Okay, the thing is...

Um, that kind of was the reviewer.

What?

We're really sorry, Boomer.

(Yells angrily)

(Gasps)

(Growls)

(Pants heavily)

I'm scared. He just made a smoothie with his hands.

(Children clamoring)

Hey!

Do not tamper with my siblings' photos!

Although I do look rather dashing with that goatee.

(Groans) Oh!

Hey, no swinging on things!

That includes curtains, and Bertram's nose hairs!

(Children yelling)

(Playing piano)

(Grunts)

Kids are monsters! Why do people keep having them?

This is the horror that happens when one goes to the dark side!

I knew that unmade bed was a slippery slope!

Ravi, it's not our fault. It's Zuri's!

What? You're the one who talked me into this!

Why would you listen to me? I have horrible ideas!

I bought property on the moon, and an 8-foot rooster!

(Yells) Calm down!

We can fix this. We just need a plan.

Ooh, light bulb!

Using common household appliances, perhaps we can create an electromagnetic force field...

Dessert on the terrace!

(Children yelling excitedly)

Go, go, go! Go, go, go!

Lock the door! Okay, okay!

Got it. It worked! (Panting)

And no one got hurt!

Help me! Help me!

I'm hungry. You? I could eat.

(Groaning)

I feel really bad for ruining Boomer's review.

I wish there was a way we could fix things.

Me, too.

Do you think Boomer is over it yet?

(Sobbing)

Well, his sobs are a little further apart.

(Sobbing in Spanish)

Hey, look! Is that Beau Jones?

Eating that veggie dog?

Come on, let's go!

Airy ambiance, fast service...

But I'm going to have to mark you down for the mold, man.

We both know this isn't blue cheese.

Oh, no, not you two.

After all your arguing, my spirit guide said my chakras were all squirrelly.

Although, that's pretty typical, since my spirit guide is a squirrel.

Please, just give us a second chance.

Boomer deserves to be in the top ten park restaurants.

Don't punish him just because I messed up.

No, Jessie, it was my fault.

I'm the manager.

Exactly.

Boomer put you in charge, and I should have respected that.

And I shouldn't have been on such a power trip.

I guess I just got carried away.

You know, I'm used to thinking of you as just a little kid, but...

You're actually growing into a really responsible, mature adult.

And I'm proud of you.

You are?

I am.

Aw, I feel like earth mother is cradling my chi energy in her cosmic vibrations!

Um, is that a good thing or should we call you a doctor?

It's a beautiful thing!

Clearly I was wrong about the Empire Skate Building wait staff.

So does this mean you'll give us a second chance?

Does an ashtanga yogi seek nirvana in Shavasana?

Oh, okay.

You know, I think he means yes.

Oh, yay!

(Both shriek in glee)

You know this celebration time is coming out of your break, right?

Yeah, I figured!

Uh-oh.

Zuri and Chubby must have had one of their "disagreements."

When will they learn to share the remote?

(Children yelling) Whoa, whoa!

Ravi, who are all these kids?

Uh, what kids?

Uh-oh.

Yeah, uh-oh.

Somebody better tell me where all these children came from.

Jessie, isn't that a talk you should have had with your dad?

Start explaining.

And please don't tell me an alien ship liberated a daycare center and dumped the cargo off here.

Scratch that excuse off the list.

(Sighs) Okay, well, to earn a little money, we may have told these kids' parents that you were baby-sitting them.

Say what?

But it was only because you took away all our allowance!

What were we supposed to do when we couldn't buy stuff?

Gee, I don't know, hang out in your penthouse filled with state-of-the-art toys, a bowling alley, and an indoor go-cart track?

Hindsight is always 20-20.

And you, Ravi?

I expect this kind of behavior from them. But you?

A man can only be around evil so long before it colors his own actions. Deepak Chopra.

Really?

No! I made it up!

How do I escape this web of lies?

Jessie, we're sorry.

It turns out your job's a lot harder than we thought.

Ah, so one afternoon of baby-sitting showed you what the twitch in my right eye couldn't?

Is that a random tandem?

It's not our fault. No one could control these kids!

(Whistles)

Everyone into the screening room!

(Claps) Quick march!

And if I hear one more peep out of you, you'll lose the ability to peep!

Wow!

You are good.

And we were very, very bad.

So please, take all the money we made, and use it to buy the gift for your father.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I think a simple apology would do it.

Followed by handing you all the money we made.

Aw, thanks guys. You're so sweet.

But you know you're still grounded until you graduate.

So...

Forever?

By the way, where's Bertram?

(Gasps)

All: Oh, oh!

(Pants) I think I'm allergic to wool.

(Sneezes) And children.

(Sobbing)

"...so the Empire Skate Building makes my top ten list, not just for the great food, but for the caring family atmosphere. It may not be perfect, but what family is?"

Aw! (Chuckles)

So not only did you get your great review, but I made enough money to buy my dad that amphibious grill.

Plus the inflatable oven mitts that double as floaties.

I'm really going to miss having you work here, Jessie.

Aside from almost crushing my professional dreams, you were a great waitress.

Now luckily, a part of Jessie will always stay here, because I made you employee of the month!

(Gasps) Emma, I'm honored!

Was I really your favorite employee?

Well, you were my only employee.

I voted for Emma again. But congrats.

Look, Jessie.

Ta-da!

Did you have to use my driver's license photo?

Good thing I always carry my headshot with me.