Chapter Eighty-Five

1 LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Friends, as you know, Jane was happily in love with her baby daddy Rafael, but then her husband returned. (MATEO SCREAMING) Mommy! Michael came back from the dead! NARRATOR: I know! And even crazier, he had amnesia. I go by Jason now, ma'am. NARRATOR: And speaking of complicated relationships, Alba married her ex-boyfriend Jorge so he could get his green card and visit his sick mother. Only problem, she still loved him, but that was nothing compared to this heartbreak. I have breast cancer. NARRATOR: But Xo was staying strong through her chemo and getting close to the end. And speaking of the end, Jane said goodbye to Jason. The divorce papers. So long, Jane. NARRATOR: But alas, this is a telenovela. So let's see what happens next. As you may recall, when Jane Gloriana Villanueva was a young girl, she dreamed about finding her long-lost father. LORENZO LAMAS: Hey, there. All this time, you were right. I'm your dad, Jane. - Really, Lorenzo Lamas? - Truly. And I can't wait to take long walks and read books and have tea parties together. I love you, Jane, so much. NARRATOR: But alas, there is a thin line between our biggest dreams (TEA POURING) and our worst nightmares. Now that we've found each other, I'm gonna take you away from your mom (THUNDER CRASHES) and your abuela, and you'll never see them again. - What? No! - Yes! (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) (GASPING) Nightmare? NARRATOR: Luckily, after a bad dream, XIOMARA was always there to comfort her. You're okay. It's not real. (GASPS) NARRATOR: But Xo couldn't help her with her new recurring nightmare. Or maybe she could, but alas, she wasn't there. RAFAEL: Same bad dream? Do you remember it this time? No. I'm okay, don't worry. Try to get some rest, okay? It's not real. NARRATOR: I agree, she should get some rest because tomorrow, when Jane finds out that Michael got his memories back, things are going to get very real. Which brings us here, now. Oh, my God. NARRATOR: Is that an "I just learned Michael got his memories back 'oh, my God'"? I forgot about Grandparents' Day at Mateo's school. NARRATOR: I really would've gone with an "oh, my gosh" for that. One of the parents called to confirm. My mom has her last chemo tomorrow morning; there's no way she'll be up for that. You think Alba could step in? Yes. (PHONE CHIMES) Ooh, good idea. Okay. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) You expecting someone? NARRATOR: Could it be Michael? Oh you remembered. NARRATOR: Oh, come on! That's not even a thing! Are you kidding? Of course I remembered. Today is the day that you became a published freakin' author. Personally, I think it should be a national holiday. Thank you. I am so ready to leave the last few weeks behind us and get back to our life. Which should be easier since Jason's leaving today. Oh, is that today? I hadn't thought about that at all. I feel like things are getting back to normal. NARRATOR: Yeah, not for long. JANE: Everything has changed. NARRATOR: Uh-oh. Here we go. "Alba Gloriana Villanueva, I thought I was happy before I met you" NARRATOR: Or not. "but now that I'm away from you, I know that I can't be happy without you. " (SIGHS) Wow. Yeah, b-but that's the point, Abuela. Jorge's letters have to convince Immigration that you two are in love, so he can get his papers. Maybe. But I don't want you to get your hopes up. NARRATOR: Yeah, I'd say it's too late for that. (PHONE CHIMES) (GASPS) NARRATOR: Okay, that's got to be a "My husband who came back from the dead with amnesia just got his memories back" gasp. I thought my shift started at 10, but I was on at 9. NARRATOR: Seriously? My nerves can't take this! I got to go. MICHAEL: Yeah, I got to go to the bus station. Can you call me a cab, please? NARRATOR: Wait, he's leaving? But he hasn't told Jane (PHONE CHIMES) (ELEVATOR BELL DINGING) (PHONE CHIMES) (SIGHS) NARRATOR: Wait, Jane, wait. (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Hi, there. Just checking out. "911"? Where's the emergency? NARRATOR: Downstairs! Michael's about to leave! Here! I need to figure out what to do about J. R. fast. Look, your "accidental" butt-dial plan worked. Okay, J. R. wrote me back and she asked if everything was okay, so I said, "Sorry. Butt-dial," and then she wrote this. (GASPS) Ooh, asking a question, that's a good sign. Right? So then I wrote this. And then, nothing. She didn't write back. So what do I do? I should send a follow-up text, right? No, no, no. Ball's in her court. Now, I should really get back to work. NARRATOR: Yes, good, go! - Wait! - NARRATOR: No! Are you sure I shouldn't say anything more? Yes, I'm sure. Let her respond. - I'm leaving. - NARRATOR: Yes! Hurry! Run! NARRATOR: Okay, look right, Jane, look right. (BO BARKING) NARRATOR: And, friends, in that moment, when she saw that way he looked at her, Jane finally knew what she didn't know. And it was like a rug had been pulled out from under her. Sorry, didn't see you there. JANE: Oh Uh I need a car, any car. - I can't just give you a car. - Wha Oh! Can I borrow this for a sec? (BUS ENGINE STARTS) (SCREAMS) Stop! The hell you doing, lady? I'm sorry, but this bus can't go to Montana until I talk to someone on board. I'm not going to Montana. I'm going to Fontana, California. Oh. Well, do you know where the buses that are going to Montana are? One leaving for Billings right now. (PANTING) Michael? Hi, Jane. You remembered? Then why were you gonna leave? I just should. I only got off the bus 'cause I saw you almost get run over and I decided I probably shouldn't end things that way. I don't understand. It's been four years, Jane. You have a life. NARRATOR: And, friends, that was just about the most Michael thing he could possibly say. Is that what you want? I just want you to be happy. NARRATOR: Or maybe that was. Do you want to talk? I need to call Rafael. Hey, I've only got a minute. I'm about to leave for the open house and I am carpooling with the lead agent. Living the dream, baby! NARRATOR: Oof, he really doesn't know what he doesn't know. Jane, are you there? Yeah, sorry. Um, I-I was just calling to wish you good luck. - You okay? - Yeah. I'll pick you up after work? Can't wait. Love you. I love you, too, so much. Bye. (RINGTONE PLAYING) Jane, stop sending me to voice mail. Look, J. R. wrote me back and she said, "I miss you, too, but that doesn't change anything. " Call me back to discuss how to respond. Sorry to bother you, Miss Solano, but, um, I don't know how to act around the pirate you hired. What pirate? I didn't hire a pirate. You know, the really mean one with the hook and the eye patch? Telling fortunes? - What are you doing, Mother? - Working. I need cash since you killed my source of income. NARRATOR: Actually, she pushed it out the window. (SCREAMING) You cannot stay here, Mother. No problem. I'm happy to move to the boardwalk for $100,000. You're not getting a dime! Get out or I'll sue you for trespassing. My cruel daughter, who owns this beautiful hotel, will not let her own mother sit here in the nice, cool air conditioning. This is elder abuse! (GASPS) (CHUCKLES) There's no problem. You can stay here, for now. NARRATOR: Yeah, I'm not sure that's such a good idea. Get me a restraining order against my mother. NARRATOR: And from one nightmare to another. Rogelio, thanks for coming in for re-shoots. We just need one more close-up and the network will green-light the whole series. So just bring the sexy, okay? Please, I bleed sexy. (SHOUTING) (WHINING) You okay? You dozed off. NARRATOR: Actually, friends, that used to be Rogelio's worst nightmare before reality became even scarier. Oh, it's amazing. I'm excited to have something so beautiful to look at for my last session. I'm also excited about Grandparents' Day. But Mommy said you weren't coming and Bisa was. What? I wouldn't miss it for the world. No way. I'm going to Grandparents' Day, end of story. I can't wait to get out of my sweatpants and feel pretty again. Mm! I bought you a new jacket to wear. Want to go upstairs and try it on? Yeah! Wow. NARRATOR: Well, Alba may not be keeping her feelings in check, but Jane and Michael were definitely trying to. Nope. Still don't like Cubanos. (BOTH SIGH) What? It's weird. I feel like two people. So Baby Michaelina? (CHUCKLES) For real? (LAUGHS) NARRATOR: And suddenly, friends, it began to feel just a little like old times. Can't believe you have a sister. We're like family, I'm not kidding. You and Petra? Damn! I have actually said the words "I love you" to her. It was so emotional. There I was, elbow-deep in a mare, and then whoosh, it just sort of gushed out, straight into my arms. It was more painful than giving birth. What were you thinking? (CHUCKLES) I don't know. He jumped off the roof, so I jumped, and then, crack! Peer pressure. You could've died. What else could I do? The boys dared me to rope that crazy steed, so I did. Of course I'm happy I did it, but honestly, I think everyone who bought a book was either related to me or a Rogelio superfan. Still, you, Jane Gloriana Villanueva, are a published freaking author. I'm so proud of you. NARRATOR: Maybe a little too much like old times. I'm sorry. I know this is a lot. Plus, I know you obviously need to process every word of this conversation on the porch swing with every single person in your family. (CHUCKLES) Look, I want you to take the lead here, but I know what I want. What? I still love you, Jane. I have to pick up Rafael. You just kissed the new lead agent on the Sutton Street house. I'm so happy for you. What's wrong? Michael got his memories back. It's a lot, I know. Are you okay? Well, it depends. Are you still getting a divorce? NARRATOR: Friends, it should be noted that at this moment, all Jane wanted to do was scream yes. So this changes things. - I don't want it to. - Then don't let it, Jane. All I want is to put this ring on your finger. Please, just send in the divorce papers, so we can move on with our lives. I I just need a beat. Please, this just happened. I'm going to bed. (SIGHING) - I love you. - I love you, too. And I can't wait to marry you. We can have it all The romance, the family. We can watch Mateo grow up, and we can all drink tea. MICHAEL: I like tea, too, Jane. And you still love me. RAFAEL: Darjeeling for my darling? I have Earl Grey, and you loved Earl Grey first. TEACUP: Jane, run! (SCREAMS) - RAF: I love tea so much, Jane! - MICHAEL: I love tea more! - Drink my tea! - No one loves tea more than me. (PANTING) (GASPS) NARRATOR: So, yeah, now you understand why she didn't want to tell Rafael about her recurring nightmare. PETRA: Where the hell is Jane? Temp! Find Jane! I've sent her 17 messages and she hasn't answered. Petra Solano? Yes. You've been served. You're suing me for emotional distress? Seriously? I saw my one daughter throw the other daughter out the window. It was very distressing. Every mother's worst nightmare. Oh, please. I am going to bury you in court. Perhaps, but that could take months, years maybe. It will cost you a lot of money, but if you give me directly, might be easier. I'd pay the lawyers a million dollars before I gave you a cent. (GASPS) Look. I know you think you're better than me, but according to the cards, you will end up just like me. Mother, that is my worst nightmare. NARRATOR: True, for the record. Let me show you. Ellie, wait. I need money. You can't abandon your poor mother. You know I always loved you best. Anna! At least help me buy scratch-offs. Please! You know you're Mummy's favorite. I've filed for a restraining order. But you don't have one yet, so I stay. (EXHALES) Michael got his memory back? Did he ask about me? Does he want to see me? Does he still love me? Yes, yes and yes. And he loves me, too. (PHONE VIBRATING) I-I don't know what to do. I love Rafael so much, and I-I just can't bring myself to mail the divorce papers. So sorry, hon. I can't imagine how horrible you must feel. (PHONE VIBRATING) Dad, what do you think? Well, I-I always thought I was Team Michael, but I do love Rafael as well, so I no longer feel comfortable expressing my opinion. Really? This is the moment you choose not to have an opinion? (PHONE VIBRATING) I just wish somebody would tell me what to do. (PHONE VIBRATING) And who keeps texting you? (SCOFFS) Petra. Petra NARRATOR: Which brings us to - Petra. - Finally! What took so long? My temp's been out searching for you. Ugh, I'm sorry. Michael got his memory back and Rafael is mad at me because I won't mail the divorce papers and my mom had her final chemo today, so there's just, like, a lot going on. NARRATOR: Excuses, excuses. Excuses, excuses. NARRATOR: Hey, that was my joke. That's actually why I came here. Nobody will give me clear advice, but I know you will have an actual opinion on what I should do about Michael. Okay, fine. We can talk about your thing for five minutes. Then you need to help me figure out what to write back to J. R. Deal. Give it to me straight. NARRATOR: How about straight up? The choice is clear: divorce Michael, stay with Rafael. Really? It's that simple? You and Rafael are destined for each other. Even when I was with Rafael, fate kept throwing the two of you together. It was so annoying. (CHUCKLES) I love him so much, and our family. Exactly. Michael's your past, Rafael is your future. You're right, I can't go back. But on the other hand, it's not that simple. It's not Michael's fault, what happened to him. H-How could I just walk away from him? Because it's been four years, and you have a totally new life now that you keep saying you want. I do want it. And you said there was absolutely no chemistry - when you went fishing with him. - There wasn't, but yesterday there was definitely more. (SCOFFS) An echo from the past. Look, life is about making tough decisions. You can't keep going in circles. And also, it's been over half an hour, and I said we could talk about this for five minutes. You're right. Your turn. (SLURRING) Read it out loud one more time. "You're right. "Missing me doesn't change anything, but being with you changed me. " You don't think it's overkill? I need this to be your best writing, Jane. It's perfect. Trust me, I'm a romance novelist. I know, but I'm just saying, I need this to be a best seller. Okay. Writers use the rule of three when they want maximum emotional impact. You should add a third reference to "change. " "It's change I can't undo. "Now that I'm away from you, "I know more than ever I can't be happy without you. " - I love it. - Good. I plagiarized that last part from a letter Jorge wrote to my grandma. (LAUGHS) - To Jorge. - To Jorge! It's brilliant. I hereby award you, Jane Villanueva, the Pulitzer Prize for Text Writing. (LAUGHS) Are you gonna actually send the Pulitzer Prize-winning text? I'll send the text if you send the divorce papers. Deal. Are you ready? BOTH: Three two one! (BOTH SCREAM) - We did it. - Woo-woo! What you have here are two decisive women making decisions decisively. NARRATOR: Kids, for the record, don't drink and decide. And then it happened, friends. In a moment of divine intervention, or sheer coincidence, Jane saw him. Hey. So, uh, how did the visit go with your madre? (CHUCKLES) It was, it was really nice. Thank you for stopping me at the bus station. It's been, uh, really painful, but doesn't mean I should just run away from it. Or run away from my feelings for you. NARRATOR: Okay, see that look on her face? It's regret, my friends. Which is why That is so so true. I have to go. I-I dropped something off in the mail earlier, but I need to get it back. Sorry, the mailman just left. (GASPS) Wait! Sorry. Hi. I-I just need the envelope back - that I mailed by accident. - Sorry. It's a federal crime to tamper with mail once it's in the carrier's possession. Please! I-I understand, but it was a mistake, and-and it just happened. Isn't there a grace period? Nope, can't break the rules. NARRATOR: Oh, please. I have it on good authority that he pockets his share of Bed Bath & Beyond coupons. Please, sir. I-I would never want to be a tamperer-er-er, but maybe you can make an exception. Sorry, no can do. My husband came back from the dead! So, I mean, obviously it's complicated, and I shouldn't have made such a rash decision. Yeah, you can't rush that. Exactly, Steve, and and I think it's just because I'm overwhelmed with everything (VOICE BREAKING): that's happening You're not gonna cry again, are you? No. (CRYING) Maybe a little. Please. There's nothing you can do? Look, I-I just can't break the law. - Oh - However if I were to, say, turn away to tie my shoe, and something just disappeared out of my bag, I guess there's nothing really I could do about it. (CLEARS THROAT) Uh, how's the other shoe doing? Oh, look at that. It came undone, too. (GASPS, SQUEALS) Steve. NARRATOR: Yeah, it's so hard to get work done when you're lovesick (HICCUPS) and wasted. (PHONE VIBRATING) - Hello? - RAFAEL: Hey, it's me. Oh. What do you want? To confirm that I'm picking up the girls from karate tomorrow. What's with you? I was hoping it was someone else. NARRATOR: He's been getting a lot of that lately. PETRA: What's this number, anyway? - I don't recognize it. - It's my work number. Maybe you could save it so that the next time I call, you're not so disappointed I'm not someone else. You're not the only one having a rough week, you know. Oh, right. Sorry. But also, you're welcome because your problem is solved. - What do you mean? - Jane and I talked, and after, she mailed those divorce papers. - Really? - NARRATOR: Oof. Yes, really. Wow. Th-Thank you, Petra. (PHONE CHIMES) No problem. I got to go. Jane, where are you? J. R. texted me back. She said she'll see me tonight at 6:00. I need to make the play of a lifetime. What are you looking at, Parrot? I don't pay you to loiter. Go squawk at the children. NARRATOR: I told you letting her stay around was a bad idea. Move it, Lady Bird. Coming through. NARRATOR: Since we've been talking about worst nightmares, I just need to stop here for a moment to show you Pammy's. Trust me, it's worth it. (HORROR MUSIC PLAYS) (CAWS) NARRATOR: (CHUCKLES) Okay. Back to our story. What's going on? Don't we have to leave to Grandparents' Day? Mateo's getting dressed, so I just thought we'd have a little toast first. Does this mean you sold the house? Not yet, but I talked to Petra, and I am so happy that you sent in the divorce papers. Just wanted to celebrate. NARRATOR: I know. It's painful for me, too, but I vowed to tell things mostly exactly as they are. - What's wrong? - I did mail the papers, but I was drunk when I did it, and I didn't want to make a life-altering decision like that, so I got them back. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) I'm ready for Grandparents' Day! Oh, you look so handsome, buddy. You should go get dressed. Jane. Me again. I'm going over to J. R. 's. Look, if you think of an inspiring, romantic, "winning my ex-girlfriend back" speech in the next 15 minutes, call me. Also, I could use a second opinion on my accessories. I was torn between bangles and a statement necklace. NARRATOR: Okay, that accessory definitely clashes. What the hell are you doing? You have important date with lady love. Give me 50 grand and I give you the key. I'd rather cut my own arm off. Then cancel hot date. We have nice family dinner instead. NARRATOR: Happy Grandparents' Day. Are you okay? NARRATOR: Did she kill Magda? Or chop off her arm? Sorry, just had a little trouble getting here because (MAGDA CLEARS THROAT) Well - Look, I've got baggage - (BURPS) - Mother, stop it! - I cannot control gas. Look, this is not how this was supposed to go. I came here to say that I meant every word I wrote in that text, and I swear to you, here and now, that I will never lie to you again. I find that hard to believe. - Mother, stay out of this! - Have you told Miss J. R. how you faked disability? Okay. Yes, I did pretend to be blind to make more money busking in Prague. She also cheated on husband. It's true, I was unfaithful to Rafael. While he had cancer. Not my finest hour. Petra is a brunette. That I know. (SIGHS) J. R., I mean it, I will never lie to you again, ever. I love you. And I used to think my worst nightmare was turning into my mother; now I know it's living without you. NARRATOR: Aw. And Jane didn't even have to write that for her. I've missed you every day since we broke up. NARRATOR: And from one awkward trio to another. Hey, Rafael I'm sorry. I-I just Now really isn't the time, Jane. (GASPS) Wow, Mom! Like the new wig? Ooh You look beautiful, Xo. You should see your grandma. So much for keeping her feelings in check. ROGELIO: My glam team did her up. Jorge's not gonna know what hit him. NARRATOR: True, for the record. See? Alba looks fine. (DOORBELL RINGS) Wait. Does Jorge have feelings for Alba? Or not? I guess not. Oh (CLEARS THROAT) I thought you were waiting for Jorge. Oh, no. You okay? Abuela! No. No, no, no, no EMCEE: Friends, I've just gotten word we have a surprise performance. (CHEERFUL MUSIC) (LAUGHTER, CHEERING) JANE (LAUGHS): Yes. That's my boy! And my mama. You bring me joy You bring me joy More than I've ever felt More than I've ever felt You bring me joy You bring me joy More than I've ever felt. (CHEERING) We did it! We surprised everyone! Hey. It's Grandparents' Day, not Grandmother's Day, - so may I have this dance? - You okay? We need to go. (CAR ALARM CHIRPS) (GASPS) Oh, Mom! Oh, my God! (PANTING) Oh, no. No. So, I want to keep you overnight to make sure that you're fully hydrated, but your vitals look good. You just overexerted yourself. You're fine. (SIGHS) Thank you very much, Doctor. I'm gonna get you some more ice chips. Hi. How's your mom? She's a little dehydrated, but she'll be fine. Well, I, um, I brought her some comfy clothes and a coffee for your dad. And I put Mateo down at Alba's. Jorge's watching him. And I can take your grandma home so you can stay a little longer. Thank you. Of course. Hey, come here. Hey. Shh. It's okay. She's okay. Nothing my mother does is okay. But she's not gonna change. I know. But we'll figure out how to deal with her. Together. Cut it off. You better have good aim. This is my only good hand. You shouldn't have lost the key, Mother. Do it with your eyes closed. MAGDA: Ah! (EXHALES) (INDISTINCT CHATTER NEARBY) - I know, that would be - So weird. Oh. You're still here. I decided to stick around a little longer. Hope that's okay. NARRATOR: It should be noted that in that moment, Petra thought of her friend Jane and knew she needed to give her a heads-up. But alas, she had other priorities. Yeah, okay. (LAUGHS) (SIGHS) (PHONE CHIMES) (DOOR OPENS) ROGELIO: Now what? Do you need anything else? No. And you really don't need to sleep here. If you're spending the night in the hospital, so am I. Look, I know you're mentally ready to put chemo behind you and get on with your life, but you should wait until your body is ready, too. That's not why I pushed myself so hard. The chemo might not work. And if something happens to me, I don't want Mateo to remember me like this. Sick and tired. I want Mateo to remember me as the person I was before. Strong. And vibrant. And fun. It's morbid, I know, but my mind goes there. I was going to show you this later, when you were feeling better, but now seems like a good time. After you left the dance, they played a video of the kids speaking about their grandparents. My abuelo is a really famous actor and he's even better known in Mexico. Oops, no, wrong part. Ah. You can't mess with my abuela 'cause she's loud and tough. She'll yell at anyone. Honestly, she doesn't even care, so be careful. And she also lets me eat, like, so many cookies, like three in a row. (LAUGHS SOFTLY) I'd say that sounds like a strong and vibrant person, wouldn't you? (LAUGHS, SNIFFLES) Please thank Jorge again for watching Mateo. NARRATOR: And, friends, that's when it happened. I'm in love with both of you. In that very moment, Rafael's memories came flooding back, too. She fell asleep by the time I was done. I snuck out. RAFAEL: Don't tell me you're choosing Michael. Tell me anything but do not tell me that. JANE: Stop! Michael, stop! Stop! No! (GLASS BREAKING) He still loves me. And I still love him. Go get ready for bed. I'll be there in a minute. Good night, Mr. Sweetface. (SMOOCHING) How's your mom? She was feeling much better when I left. - I'm glad. - Thank you, for everything you did for me tonight. Even though Do you still love him? (STAMMERS) I don't know. That feels like an answer. You know, I got my memories back, too, Jane. You know what I remember? Waiting for you to pick Michael almost killed me. I need you to leave. P Permanently? I don't know. NARRATOR: And, friends, that, too, felt like an answer. MATEO: I don't want to leave! I want to stay here with Daddy. Hey, you don't have to go anywhere. Okay? I got this. You should go. NARRATOR: And, friends, it was in this moment that Jane realized that this was her worst nightmare.