Slimy Dancing

Characters

 * SpongeBob
 * Patrick
 * Squidward
 * Contestants
 * Judges
 * The Audience

Dialogue
(Squidward is putting the finishing touches on a trophy case)

Squidward: Well, Squidward, ol' boy, all that's left is to go win that dancing trophy and give it a home. After all, nobody ever worked harder to get it than you. (flashback to him dancing with some other fish) All those years of training with the masters. Your tireless effort to keep your instrument supple. (flashback to him getting his legs twisted and stretched) Not to mention your weekly thigh waxing. (pulls some hair off his leg) And now, it's time to go get it. So, let's do it. Whoo...! (runs out of his house and into a bar of bamboo)

Patrick: Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. Want to give me a ruling, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward, you got to go lower to win.

Squidward: What? What are you two doing?

SpongeBob: We're limbo dancing to get ready for the dance-a-thon auditions.

Patrick: We're gonna win the trophy.

Squidward: Ha. The two of you? Don't make me laugh. Come here... see that? That's where the trophy's going. (shows them the trophy case)

SpongeBob: You built us a trophy case for when we win? (both hug Squidward) Oh, you are a true friend.

Squidward: No, you twits. I built that trophy case for me when I win. I'm going to ace the tryouts today and then I'm going to the finals tomorrow and win the trophy. I am going forth to meet my destiny. Good-bye. (runs out but runs into the limbo bar again)

Patrick: Ruling, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: I think we better raise the bar. (cut to the tryouts where Squidward sits down on the bench)

SpongeBob & Patrick: Hiya, Squidward.

Squidward: Oh, great. The flying Gyvonne Brothers. Just ignore them, Squidward.

Female: (over loudspeaker) Contestants 51 and 52 to the stage, please.

SpongeBob: We're up, Patrick. Wish us luck, Squidward.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Do I know you?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: (laughs) You kidder. Let's go, Patrick.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Poor boobs, they don't stand a chance. (laughs)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: Well, see you at the finals tomorrow, Squidward.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: You actually got in?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: Yep.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Humph, if those two nitwits made it then I'm a shoe-in.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Female: (over loudspeaker) Contestant 53 to the stage, please.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Look out, dancing world, here comes your future. Music, please. (dances)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Judge: Next.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Excuse me?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Judge: You're done. You know, next contestant. You didn't make the cut, sorry, Mac.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: But, but, but, but, you don't understand. I already build a trophy case with the cutest little plaque. If I could just touch it... (grabs the trophy)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Judge: Hey!

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: But I, hey... (guards kick Squidward out of the building) Unhand me, you brutes. Ah! (cut to Squidward crying into his house and walking into a limbo bar again)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Patrick: SpongeBob?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: You're just not getting into the spirit of this thing, Squidward.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: D'oh, help me up.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: How'd the audition go, Squidward?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: The audition? My trophy? (cries) I mean, uh, uh, yeah, the audition. (chuckles) Evidently, I'm such a great dancer that I've been banned from the competition for life.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Patrick: Whoa.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: Impressive. (gasps) Hey, Squidward, would you be our coach for the finals?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: What? I've got better thinks to do than help you two dopes.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Patrick: Like polishing your empty trophy case?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Fine. But I keep the trophy when we win, deal?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob & Patrick: Deal.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Ok. Show me what you got, Patrick.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Patrick: Ok, here I go. Watch me now. (goes under the limbo stick but gets a cramp before going all the way through) Cramp! (screams and rolls around. Squidward opens the door and Patrick rolls outside)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Well, I guess that just leaves you, SpongeBob. Show me your stuff. Ready, and... (turns on some music. SpongeBob wiggles his arms and legs all around the room, laughing. Squidward grabs his arms) Having fun?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: Yes, yes I am.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: SpongeBob, dancing isn't supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be art, and art is suffering! Now, we'll start with some ballet. Watch my feet and follow my lead. Ready, and ply. (SpongeBob and Squidward bend their knees) Relive. (twirl around on their toes) And now grand jet. (Squidward slips on the limbo stick) Where am I? See if I can find the lights. (turns on the light and sees a giant SpongeBob face. Squidward's head is stuck inside SpongeBob’s body. The two start ) Wait a minute. (feels around) This gives me an idea. (Squidward's body is now inside SpongeBob’s) Ready, SpongeBob? A one and a two, and plie. Releve. Grand jete. (SpongeBob’s legs get tangled in a knot) No, no, no. This will never work. You've got two left feet.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: How'd you know?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Gimme those. (takes SpongeBob’s legs and puts his own legs through SpongeBob’s pants) That's better. Ok, let's go. SpongeBob, what are you doing? (SpongeBob’s arms are in the air wiggling) Why are you moving your arms like that?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: (laughs) I guess they're happy.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Grr... hand 'em over. (SpongeBob hands Squidward one of his arms) And the other one, come on. (Squidward breaks off the other one then uses his arms as SpongeBob’s) Ah, now that's more like it.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: Gee, Squidward, with your arms and legs doing all the work, I'm not really doing anything. I think I should help.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Are you questioning my leadership.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: Well, I just...

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Ok, hand it over. (SpongeBob hands his mouth to Squidward)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: You know what, Squidward?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: What?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: I think I'm suffering for my art now. (cut to the dance recital where a fish is already dancing) Good gravy. Get a load of the talent here.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Oh, please. Just wait until you see my brilliant moves. (the fish who is dancing falls on his face. The crowd gasps as the judges give him a total score of 5. The next dancer is a whale balancing a ball on its head. The judges' total score is 23.5. The next dancer is a giant sea horse. Then a dancer who can balance coins on his arms while jumping up and down. The judges score him a 29.5.)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: Oh, my goodness. I am honored to be in the presence of such divine talent. (He bows)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Quit groveling. Where is your dignity? (His arm pulls SpongeBob up, then slaps him) These losers are here to worship us-- I meanme. By the end of the night I'll have them on their knees just begging for more.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Female: (over loudspeaker) Now that's what I like to call a hard act to follow. Next up, we have SpongeBob SquarePants.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Fish: Oh, man. I can't wait. I am so stoked on dancing right now.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: Now, before I begin, let me just thank you all for coming out tonight. (Squidward grabs SpongeBob’s mouth)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Will you stop it? And let my dancing do the talking. (dances)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: Wow, Squidward, the crowd's gone silent.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Of course they have. They are in the presence of a true artiste.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Fish: What's he doing?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Fish #2: Is he hurt?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Fish #3: I don't know man, but it's hurting my eyes.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Fish #4: I think I'm gonna be sick. (throws up)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: Uh, Squidward?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Ha. If they think that's good, wait till they see... (gets a knot in his leg) Cramp! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (bounces around on the floor while everyone leaves. A fish who was asleep wakes up and is about to walk out the door)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Fish #5: Hey, guys, wait up. Huh? What's this? (sees SpongeBob dancing) That's kind of nice. Hey, guys, come check this out.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Must finish dance... on other... (gets another cramp in the other leg)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: Um, Squidward, is this part of the act?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: (screams) The pain! (SpongeBob's limbs pop out as the crowd cheers and throws flowers onto the stage)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Judge #2: By unanimous decision, we have a winner.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Mine! (grabs the trophy, pulls it inside SpongeBob's mouth, and hugs it) I won, I won!

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Judge #2: Never before have I seen such zest, such joie de vivre.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: Oh, thank you, you're too kind. But I couldn't have done it without a very special someone. (grabs Squidward)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Squidward: Wait, SpongeBob, no! (is pulled out from SpongeBob’s body)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Judge #2: The rules clearly state a single dancer must perform without any further assistance from a partner. Therefore, you're the winner. (hands trophy to coin balancing dancer)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Fish #6: Oh man, the jig's up, Pedro. We're going home. (rips his wig in half and shows a small man inside of it)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Pedro: It's all right, I'll go call a taxi.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Judge #2: Merciful Neptune. Are there any more cheaters?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Fish #7: (takes off the sea horse costume) Ah, crud, we're 2 dancers.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Scottish Octopus: We're 9 dancers, actually. (lifts his kilt up to show 8 little ones around his legs)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Fish #8: (takes a muscle fish out of his pants) Does this count?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Judge #2: Isn't there a single dancer here who is not assisted by a partner?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Judge: Uh, what about number 52 over there? (Patrick is shouting and rolling around on the ground)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Judge #2: Is he alone?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Judge: Well, let me see. (looks inside Patrick's mouth) Why, yes, he is a single dancer.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Judge #2: Oh, well, then. I guess he wins. (Patrick screams some more as everyone else cheers)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">SpongeBob: I love your new dance, Patrick.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Patrick: (screams again) Thanks.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Narrator: Epilogue.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Mom: Tommy? I've got a fresh load of laundr-- (screams as she thinks Tommy is having a seizure on the floor) Tommy, oh, oh, dear me, no! (dials 911) Hello, it's an emergency! My son! He's--

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Tommy: (scoffs) Mom, calm down. (stops music) I'm just doing "the cramp"!

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Mom: (hangs up phone) Oh, oh, you kids and your crazy dance fads. (she laughs and is soon joined by Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">Patrick: Hey, everybody, let's all do "the cramp"!

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.200000762939453px;font-family:sans-serif;font-size:13px;">All: Yeah! (Tommy's mom sets up the music. Everybody dances "the cramp" while they scream.)