The Egg Salad Equivalency


 * Sheldon: I want to thank you all for coming on such short notice. Uh, in the past, I’ve reached out to each of you individually, but I believe my present situation requires the collective wisdom of the group, which as you can see from your commemorative T-shirts I have dubbed um, Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies.
 * Penny: What is happening?
 * Sheldon: I need your advice about a delicate workplace situation. Uh, to protect those involved, I’ll be changing their names.
 * Bernadette: (she is quite confused) Who’s involved?
 * Sheldon: Well, a short, bespectacled colleague of mine who lives in the shadow of his brilliant roommate. Let’s call this colleague Ricardo Shilly-Shally.
 * Penny: You’re talking about Leonard.
 * Sheldon: No, no, Shilly-Shally has red hair and, uh, he briefly served in the Mexican Navy. Anyway, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, Shilly-Shally has been the recipient of inappropriate workplace flirtations from a young lady.
 * Amy: It’s your assistant Alex, isn’t it?
 * Sheldon: No. No. No. This is Tondelaya della Ventimiglia.
 * Penny: Wait, what the hell’s going on with Leonard and Alex?
 * Sheldon: No, uh, no, I’m sorry. Who’s talking about Leonard and Alex?
 * Penny: Fine. So, Ricardo and Tondelaya.
 * Sheldon: Okay, look, it’s not really about Ricardo and Tondelaya. It is really about her boss, (Penny is getting angrier) who doesn’t quite know how to handle this situation and could use your advice, which is surprising because Dr. Einstein Von Brainstorm, he’s usually pretty smart about these things.
 * Penny: (she's now angry with revenge) I’m gonna kill her.
 * Bernadette: (she's reassuring Penny) I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about. Leonard would never cheat on you.
 * Amy: She’s right. But say the word, I got a lab full of cocaine-addicted monkeys with nothing to lose. One of them could end up in the backseat of her car. Or her shower.
 * Sheldon: Ladies, ladies, please. We’re not here to talk about Penny, okay? We’re here to talk about me. Uh, I mean Einstein Von Brainstorm. Oh, darn it! All right, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Let me explain what’s going on. Ricardo is really...
 * Penny: (she yells at Sheldon with tiredness) We know what’s going on, Sheldon!
 * Sheldon: Well, what should I do?
 * Bernadette: (she's giving Sheldon a very good advice) Well, Alex is your employee. If she’s doing something that’s making Leonard uncomfortable, you should talk to her.
 * Sheldon: Oh, no, he’s not uncomfortable at all. No, he’s loving it. (Penny is stunned by this revelation) Yeah, he’s strutting around like he’s five-foot-six.
 * Penny: (shocked) What? He’s loving it?
 * Bernadette: (she's suggesting to Sheldon crossly) Sheldon, you need to talk to Alex right away.
 * Sheldon: Talk to her? That’s all you’ve got? With a cool name like Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies, I really expected more. Give me back the T-shirts.
 * (Penny is disgusted whilst Sheldon takes her t-shirt off the settee edge. Amy is shocked and both she and Bernadette furiously hand their t-shirts back to Sheldon).


 * Sheldon: You don’t know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brains you don’t even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.
 * Alex: What? I didn’t make a sexual advance on anybody.
 * Sheldon: Now, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m not unsympathetic to your plight. My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.
 * Alex: (confused) What?
 * Sheldon: Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.


 * Leonard: (whistling) Hey, pretty lady!
 * Penny: (suspicious) Hm, you seem extra happy.
 * Leonard: Yes, I am.
 * Penny: Any particular reason why?
 * Leonard: (smiling) I don't know, I'm just having a good day. This morning, Sheldon fell asleep on the way to work, so I got to listen to the radio today. That was pretty crazy.
 * Penny: (playing along) Mm-hmm. Anything else?
 * Leonard: I found this quiz online called "Which Star Trek character are you?", and it only took me four tries to get Captain Kirk.
 * Penny: That's great.
 * Leonard: (as Captain Kirk) Oh, it was.
 * Penny: (crossly) Well, I'm glad you're having such a great day.
 * Leonard: (cheerful) And the one thing that could make it even better is an evening with my special girl.
 * Penny: Oh, and who's that?
 * Leonard: What do you mean?
 * Penny: Oh, I just didn't know if you meant me or Alex.
 * Leonard: (curious) Why would I mean Alex?
 * Penny: (angry) Because I know she hit on you, and I know you liked it!
 * Leonard: (nervously) Whaaaaaat?
 * Penny: (full of rage) Don't play dumb with me, Ricardo Shilly-Shally! (slams her door)
 * Leonard: (confused) I'm missing something.


 * [the scene at Howard and Bernadette's kitchen]
 * Howard: Huh. I just got called in to Human Resources.
 * Bernadette: (she is very worried) Why?
 * Howard: I don’t know.


 * [The scene at the Human Resources department where the strict HR woman (Mrs. Janine Davies) comes out of her office just as Howard gets up from his seat]
 * Mrs. Janine Davis (HR): Ah, Mr. Wolowitz, it’s been a while.
 * Howard: (being friendly) Hey, Janine. (chuckles) How are Tom and the kids?
 * Mrs. Janine Davis (HR): Fine. (indicating Leonard in his seat) You must be Dr. Hofstadter.
 * Leonard: Yes, but I think this is all a big misunderstanding.
 * Raj: Yeah, yeah, me, too. I didn’t do anything.
 * Mrs. Janine Davis (HR): (asks Raj crossly) Is that alcohol on your breath?
 * Raj: Howard built a sex robot.
 * Howard: That is not true. All I did was build a robot.
 * Mrs. Janine Davis (HR): (asks Howard crossly) Did it have six breasts?
 * Howard: I’m sorry, I’m a feminist, I don’t notice things like how many breasts a robot has.
 * Sheldon: Well, hello.
 * Leonard: What are you doing here?
 * Sheldon: Actually, I came to speak to Mrs. Davis.
 * Mrs. Janine Davis (HR): (sounding quite serious) And I’m a little busy right now.
 * Sheldon: But I came to file a complaint. Somebody has made me feel uncomfortable in the workplace by using language of an inappropriate and sexual nature.
 * Mrs. Janine Davis (HR): (asking Sheldon crossly) And who was that?
 * Sheldon: You, you dirty birdie. I-I thought about the things you said to me yesterday, and I realized I’m deeply offended. Now, be a dear and get me one of those complaint forms.
 * Mrs. Janine Davis (HR): (she is now very cross with all four guys) That’s it. All of you, in my office now!
 * [The men start going into the office and Sheldon half-way tells Mrs. Davies something embarrassing]
 * Sheldon: And thanks to you, I know better than to ask if you’re menstruating.
 * [Sheldon enters the doorway and turns around to face Mrs. Davies for one last second]
 * Sheldon: And based on your behavior, I don’t have to.
 * [Sheldon is now in her office as Mrs. Davis can't believe that Sheldon has just said that].


 * Penny: Molecules.


 * Leonard: (he's singing on his cello) I’m sorry Alex hit on me, hit on me, hit on me. I’m sorry Alex hit on me, I’d no idea I’m cute.
 * Penny: (she's so very cross with Leonard) Oh, damn it, you are.
 * Leonard: Please forgive me. I should have told you about Alex.
 * Penny: I don’t care about Alex. Fine, I care. Okay, I hate that bitch. But, what really hurt is that you liked it so much. I mean, do I need to be worried?
 * Leonard: Of course not. No. Why?
 * Penny: Because, she is pretty and smart, and when you talk about work, she doesn’t have to go home and look up words in the dictionary to understand what you said.
 * Leonard: You do that?
 * Penny: (Defensively) No.
 * Leonard: Hang on. Are you feeling insecure? Because that’s my thing, and if you take it away, I don’t know what I’m bringing to this relationship.
 * Penny: Yes, Leonard, I am insecure. Happy?
 * Leonard: No, I’m not happy. (smiles)
 * Penny: Why are you smiling?
 * Leonard: I’m sorry. I just never think of you having feelings like that.
 * Penny: Well, I do.
 * Leonard: Why? Nothing is going to happen between me and Alex.
 * Penny: Good.


 * Mrs. Janine Davis (HR): Well, according to Ms. Jensen, you said that she was a slave to her biological urges and called her an egg salad sandwich. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m gonna go ahead and tell you; you can’t say it.
 * Sheldon: Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You’re a slave.
 * Mrs. Janine Davis (HR): I’m a what?
 * Sheldon: Well, y-you, I-I’m just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman’s menstrual cycle…
 * Mrs. Janine Davis (HR): (she's really angry with Sheldon) Whuh-ah! Woah! You can’t talk about that, either, Dr. Cooper. Your language is entirely inappropriate, and I’m gonna advise that you shut your mouth right now.
 * Sheldon: I don’t see why I’m the one being persecuted here. (he refers to Leonard) Dr. Hofstadter, he was bragging about his sexual desirability to anyone who would listen. You know, and Howard Wolowitz, he spent two years using university resources building a six-breasted sex robot. Oh, and at the office Christmas party, I heard Rajesh Koothrappali refer to you several times as Brown Sugar.
 * Mrs. Janine Davis (HR): (writing) Hofstadter… Wolowitz… and the last one was Rajesh Koothrappali?
 * Sheldon: Yes. No, yeah, but in his defense, that wasn’t racist. He’s also brown.
 * (Sheldon smiles without feeling guilty about selling out his friends)