CIAPOW

1 [ Insects chirping ] Stan: You know, I respect their king for putting his face on everything, but what is he holding? A diamond-encrusted inhaler. He's crazy-afraid of having asthma attacks and looking poor. 10 klicks to the terrorist compound! It's "Go" time! Now, remember, we get in range, destroy the weapons cache, and get out. The local government should never know we were here. But we'll always know, right, Stan? We'll always have the memory? That's right, Hooper. That's right. We sure will. Prepare to die, building. Hope you don't have any building kids. [ Drone approaches ] Stan, we got company! It's a giant metal bird! Move your arms so it doesn't think we're worms! It's a drone, Dick -- one of ours. Probably here to film us for some C. I. A. highlight reel. Everybody look badass! [ Guns cock ] [ Debris clatters ] Oh, no! The bird's angry you called it a drone! Aah! Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the American race oh, boy, it's swell to say Good -- Good morning, U. S. A. Sir, we were about to destroy our target when a drone flew over us and took it out. I know. I sent it. What?! I wanted to eliminate all human error. I was afraid you'd make a mistake. And, well, machines don't make mistakes. Sir, if you think machines don't make mistakes, you haven't seen "Herbie Goes Bananas"! Herbie's plan worked perfectly, Smith. He won the race, the town was saved, and everyone learned to love again. But if you knew you were sending a drone, why also send us? Because I, too, am a human that makes mistakes. But don't worry. I'm working on that. [ Whirring ] Ah, soon, I will be a real robot. Then will you be happy, Pappa Geppetto? [ Robotic Italian accent ] Nothin' will a-make me a-happier than to see my human boy become a soulless a-robot boy. Kids, your father's in Thailand. We have the house to ourselves for the weekend. Well, I know what I'm gonna do -- a whole lot of nothing. I'm with Hayley. I'm gonna do even more nothing than her. You couldn't slow down to my speed if you tried. Only one way to settle it. I propose a slow-motion race across the living room. Last one to touch the wall, wins. That sounds stupid. I'm in. You're on. But if at any point you stop moving, you're out of the race. Oh, I'm all up in this jam. I've always been good at moving in [ Slowly ] slow-motion. Okay, everybody lined up? I'm playing, too. I'll move in slow-motion across my bowl. On your mark get set go! [ Swish ] [ Clink ] [ Sighs ] It was an honor just to compete. I used to love post-mission happy hour, back before machines took our jobs. If they're only gonna send machines into the field, what's left for us to do? I'm sure they'll need people to maintain the machines. You're right -- they'll need people to water them, feed them, pick them up from the airport. I'm not doing squat for any machine! Unless it's a squat machine, in which case I'm doing 3 sets of 12. There has to be a way to prove to Bullock that we're better than machines. That's it! We'll steal the king's inhaler. Steal his inhaler? Sure! It's something a drone could never do! That's a great idea, Stan! But how are we gonna get into that painting? You're lucky you're beautiful, Jackson. We sure had to knock out a lot of guards to find uniforms that fit. Yeah, I kind of feel like there's a chance we knocked out so many guards that we don't really need to be in disguise anymore. [ Groans, smacks lips ] Now, all we have to do is take a photo to prove that this is the king's diamond-encrusted inhaler. Dick, you take the picture. That way we'll have proof and you won't be in the photo. Great idea! I think my phone takes pictures. That's crazy, right? I just have to make it go on. Just swipe the screen with your finger, Dick. No, swipe it. With your finger. No, just -- Across it. Swipe it? Like this. Like this. Like this. Like -- Dick. Dick, like this. Like this. Like this. Like this. Like this. [ Click ] Got it! Okay, smile. Wait. No. I'm in video mode. Now it's showing me my own face. Does this mean I'm on the YouTube? Dick! I know! I know! "Swipe"! [ Camera shutter clicks ] [ Gasps ] Who are you? What are you doing in my chamber? Why don't I wake up speaking my native tongue? Guards! You're busted! Tell it to the guy who fixes your windows. Huh? [ Screams ] [ Thud ] [ Up-tempo music plays ] [ Siren wailing ] [ Tires squeal ] We got to lose 'em, Jackson. I'm trying! Trying? Your job was to memorize all the best escape routes out of town! I got it! Just one more right turn, and we are -- Jackson, you idiot, you've led us straight into the Red-Light District! Quick! Ditch the car! You boys want to slide into my tunnel? Back off, harlot! I was talking about my secret tunnel that leads outside of the city! You seemed like you were in danger! Hooper, you were on safe houses. Get us to one. On it! Follow me! [ Music stops ] [ Up-tempo music resumes ] The safe house is right here! Whew! We're good! Hooper, this isn't a safe house. It's a Burger King! It's a U. S. corporation, Stan, which makes it technically U. S. soil. They can offer us asylum. And best of all, with B. K. 's new, handy B. K. store locator app, it was just a click away! Announcer: That plug's on us, B. K. ! Welcome to Burger King. May I take your order? We're C. I. A. agents, and we require asylum -- you know, 'cause this is American soil? I grew up in a pile of straw. The only education I have is one week of Burger King training, and even I know that's not how the international justice system works. But would you like to try our new berry good milkshake? [ Sirens wailing ] [ All slurping ] [ Indistinct conversations ] Well, we had some close calls, but we got the king's inhaler. And we got what -- I'll say it. We got what is hands-down the best milkshake in the fast-food game. [ Slurps ] Hey, B. K., how about a little love coming the other way? Bullock will have no choice but to use us for every mission after he sees what we did. Hey, check it out! There's some sort of event going on at our hotel. Dick: Maybe it's a wedding. Those are cop cars. Must be a police wedding. Good thing we've got these uniforms. We'll blend right in. Guys, take your guns out so we're not conspicuous. [ Guns cocking ] You guys are doing great. I think maybe we should cock our guns, too. [ All grunting ] Stan: Hooper, you here? Hooper: Yeah, I'm here. What about Jackson? Jackson: I'm here. Thank God. We're all safe. Dick: Um, I'm here, too. Oh, right. Dick. We were with Dick. Guys, don't say anything bad about Dick. He's here. 8-bit: Quiet! Hello, losers. Sorry for calling you losers. Psych! I'm not sorry! The torture begins! Now, you are clearly in Thailand for something more than our king's inhaler. Nobody would be that stupid. So, tell me -- who are you and what's you know, your deal? We're, uh we're filmmakers! Yeah, yeah, we're a film crew scouting locations for a major Hollywood movie! He's pulling an "Argo. " Shh, I haven't seen it yet! Well, if you are really making a movie, then I know from the movie "Argo" that there will be a production office. So what's the number? Thank you for calling Burger King. Would you like to try our berry good milkshake? Liars! Really? Burger King? That was your one chance to tell the truth the easy way. Prepare the interrogation rooms! What do you mean? Like, prepare how? Turn off the "One Direction" movie and clear everyone out! Turn it off or pause it? It isn't paused? You guys kept going?! Great. Trapped in a super-futuristic Thai prison. This is all your guys' fault. What did we do? Well, why don't we start with Dick, who's so bad at technology, he can't even take a photo with a phone. And, Jackson, instead of getting us out of town, you led us straight into the most congested part of it. And you -- taking us to Burger King for political asylum? You say that like I took us to Del Taco. Okay, dumb idiots. Interrogation time. Now, one of you has to stay behind because I only have three torture cells. Technically, we have four, but we converted one into a -- a hang-out room. Sort of a chill zone for the guards to unwind -- you know what? It's not important. You three, come with me. Nobody talk! If they start zapping your testicles, just try to fall asleep! This is incredible. Hours of action, and still too close to call! If you're a slow-mo racing fan, this is as good as it gets! Sorry, everyone, but it's time for me to pull behind. Hey, w-whoa, what are you doing? Tripping you so you fall forward! Wait for it. It's gonna take a while. N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o [ Groans ] Are you guys okay? You were gone for 20 hash marks of time! Stan, you have such a good head of hair. What? What's wrong with you guys? They drugged us, bro, with truth serum. Oh, no. Tell me you guys didn't break! You talked, didn't you? I did, Stan! I talked, I sang, I acted some of it out! The missilethe inhaler and the C. I. A. That one was hard to act out, but the little guy, he got it! Man, he got it. He's -- he's amazing at charades. I talked, too! We all did! I hope you're happy. They're gonna kill us, and it's all your fault! It is my fault, because I didn't figure out an escape route like I was supposed to. I was too busy cruisin' the Red-Light District. No, it's my fault. Instead of looking for actual safe houses, I spent the day bird-watching. No, it was me! I can't even make my phone work. Remember when my wife and kid left me? They told me it was because I was horrible to them, but I know it was because I'm bad at computers. You know how I was estranged from my father? Well, after he died, I found his journal. Apparently, he was a big bird watcher, and the only bird he never spotted was Thailand's purple-breasted Phuket Finch. So instead of safe houses, I looked for my dad's missing bird. And, in a bigger way, I guess I went looking for him. I think the reason I was in the Red-Light District was because, deep down I just really like giving it to transsexuals. No wonder Bullock sent a drone to do our jobs. He knew you'd screw it up! He's right. Machines are better than us. [ Door opens ] [ Singsong voice ] Stan it's your sexy wife, come to save you! Only kidding! Torture time! o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! [ Both gasp ] Kiss the wall, ladies. You're out of the game. [ Swish ] Oh, man! You look away for just 10 minutes, and you miss the most exciting moment. Well, that's slow-motion racing for you. [ Whirring ] Do whatever you want to me. I'll never talk. I don't need you to talk. Your friends already gave me everything I need to execute you all. Then just kill us and get it over with! And end our fun so soon? But why would I do that when I've got this?! Oh, God. How did you get that? You dropped it in the king's chamber! [ Footsteps ] [ Squish ] Ow! What's that? That's truth serum. But you already know everything! Your friends don't! The truth serum will force you to tell them it's your fault they got caught, and it's your fault their bodies are going to be ripped apart by yaks! I won't! I won't tell them! Do you want to know the names of the yaks? Yak Cousteau, Yackie O., Yackie Chan, and yackity yak don't talk yak. Do you like the names I came up with for my yaks? You've been trained for this, Stan. Fight the serum. [ Whoosh! ] Oh, God. They're the best yak names I've ever heard! He's ready. Your friend here has something he wants to share with you. You maniac! "Mani-yak" [Maniac] That's a good name for a yak. We must buy another yak. To the yak dealership! Stan, what was that precious half-man talking about? It's it's my fault we got caught. What is that? You know how I've always said Bullock determines the rooming list? He doesn't. I do. I have a point system where I reward you whenever you're nice to me or say something thought-provoking. And the winner gets to room with me, and I make sure Dick never rooms with me. And I wrote it on this sheet of paper, along with our hotel info, which fell out of my pocket in the king's room. And that's why they were waiting for us at the hotel. You bastard! There's more. Dick, you should know that there is no C. I. A. nightbear that takes human poops. That's been us taking dumps in your desk all the time. I know. I just didn't say anything, 'cause I liked that you cared enough to keep doing it for that many years. But the real truth is, we shouldn't even have been in a position to get caught. Seeing that drone fly past us, it was like seeing the future -- a future we're not part of. [ Voice breaking ] We're old and obsolete, and we're gonna die here. [ Bird chirping ] Oh, my God. That's the purple-breasted Phuket Finch! It's a sign we shouldn't give up! Guys, this might sound crazy, but I think this bird might actually be my dead dad. I see that. For sure. I really wish I could lie to you, but I definitely don't think that's your dad. All right, guys, let's get out of here old-school style -- create a distraction, and get the guards to open the door. I suggest a fake fight. Is anyone willing to get punched in the -- [ all grunting ] Whoa, guys, I-I didn't volunteer! I thought it was gonna be Dick! Why are you hitting me? Because you put us in here! Because you blamed us! Because I can't punch loneliness! [ All grunting ] It worked! Grab 'em! [ Grunting continues ] Ha! Suckers. The joke's on you. [ Coughs ] What do we do with the guards? I'll strip them and tie them up! Wait, why strip them? Why do anything, Stan? All right, let's use our heads. Which way? [ Bird chirping ] Look! My dad is showing us the way! Left it is. Nope. Nope. Other way. Daddy! [ "Old Time Rock and Roll" plays ] Just take those old records off the shelf I'll sit and listen to 'em by myself today's music ain't got the same -- [ Click, music shuts off ] I may have underestimated these dum-dums. But their escape will end now. [ Gasps ] The new yak is here! I probably need to sign for him! This prison is a maze! Look. A map. This map is too confusing! It's just too confusing! No. It's beautiful. Huh? This prison it's laid out just like a transvestite! We just need to follow the taint to freedom! Man, ain't that the truth. What an amazing race! Is there anywhere you'd rather be than right here, right now for the last 36 hours?! Look at us, Steve -- neck and neck. May the best man win. Well, that's gonna be me, because your weird gut's about to hit the wall. Not if your boner hits it first. What? I don't have a boner. You're about to. How? What are you gonna do? I don't have to do anything. You're a teenage boy who just heard the word boner. It's already happening. No! Not now! Not like this! Oh, God! Not like this! [ Straining ] [ Thud ] Ah! Damn it! Yes! I won! You did, Roger, but, in a way I feel like we all won. What? Wait, what? Because it brought us all closer together. You're right. I thought I was in a race, but really I was in a family. [ Chuckling ] Okay, I see what's happening here. Yeah, you're trying to screw me out of my victory! We all heard his dick hit the wall! Jackson: This is it. This room is the taint. Or "nacho," depending on where you grew up. The exit should be at the other side of that door. But the door can only be opened using a password-protected computer. There's no way for us to get through. Yes, there is. You're up, Dick. It's a computer, Stan. Dick doesn't know how to use those. Yeah, what is that thing, a commodore 64 million? Just sit down at that computer and follow your heart. Okay. Let's see. "Safari. " That sounds exciting. Ooh, I could use some adult friends! Oh, no, Dick, wait! No, let him go. [ Pop-ups beeping ] Punch the monkey? [ Beeping continues ] Whoa, first try! Guys, a diplomat just sent me an investment opportunity! Hurry up, Dick. Hurry! Why is this lady in a bathtub contacting me on Facebook? [ Loud beeping, powering down ] Sorry, guys. I crashed the computer. [ Doors whirring ] I knew you could do it, buddy! So, this is where I work. Oh, no! My dum-dums go bye-bye! [ Mid-tempo music plays ] Boys, never forget what got us out of that prison -- human error triumphing over machines. You know, it would be a damn shame to go home without that inhaler. [ All grunt ] [ Knuckles crack ] Welcome back, dum-dums! [ Ominous music plays ] You're never gonna break through that wall with a spoon, Dick. Ha! Did anyone order an awesome rescue? Bullock, what happened to you? Something that should have happened a long time ago. Now climb aboard. Let's get the hell out of here! Anyone know the way to the Red-Light District?