Outdoor Man Grill

Hey. Is Kyle back yet?

I've been downstairs sewing all day, and I could use a little back rub from the misses.

And yet you still have enough energy to open me a beer.

Oh, my God! No, I thought that was a soda!

Did you now?

I almost drank that!

That would've been so horrible and (Inhales sharply) Relaxing.

Cool. What's for dinner?

Well, I thought maybe we could make dinner together.

Okay. I got meat and potatoes.

The rest is up to you.

So, I have to do everything.

I'll step back in once it's delicious.

Set out a couple more plates.

We invited some feathered friends for dinner.

That's gross.

That's not gross. That's good shooting, you two.

But they're not dressed.

Mandy, start plucking.

I'm thinking pheasant under glass, but I'll settle for anything that isn't pheasant undercooked.

(Scoffs)

Kyle: I'll pluck those for you.

Uh, uh, sorry, hold on.

The... the feathers on those pheasants...

Those are pheasant feathers?

How many "sodas" have you had?

Pheasant feathers are really expensive, and they're supes hot in fashion right now.

Kate Middleton doesn't go anywhere without them.

Neither do those two.

Yeah. They sure are beautiful creatures.

Yeah.

You still have that bucket out back for their guts?

Yep.

Mike, you guys home?

Uh... Be quiet. Maybe he'll go away.

Kristin: We brought food!

What's that? We're in here.

Hey, guys. Hey, I got some stuff from the restaurant.

Yeah, one of the perks of Kris being the manager.

Oh, yeah. They trust me there, so it's easy to steal.

Yeah? Don't feel like you got to stay.

I've got to go work on my designs for a hat with pheasant feathers, which... fun fact... come from pheasants.

Ooh, yum.

Dibs on the bulgur pilaf.

Ohh, history's most unnecessary dibs.

Boyd, dinner!

Hello, my wonderful family.

Kristin: Hey. Hey, honey. How was school?

I so love being back at college with all the young people.

Oh, you know what?

In the interest of fitting in, I am not married, and none of you exist.

I have to say, mom, in all my life, I've never seen you come home this happy.

That's 'cause she had to come home to you kids.

And you, too.

Nah, it was my old job.

You know, teacher training, it's just...

It's so much more stimulating.

Today I learned that if you want to get a child's attention, the most powerful tool is...

Is...?

...the pause.

Thought you were supposed to keep your paws off the kids.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Speaking of paws...

Hey, did you wash up? Mm!

Well, you know what?

I think it is great that you're chasing your passion so late in life.

Well, thank you, Ryan, although I think I could have done without the "late in life" part.

I just can't wait to get started teaching.

I don't know what the hurry. Crowded classrooms, low pay.

That job's not going anywhere.

I completely agree with you, Vanessa.

Making money is not nearly as important as personal fulfillment.

Well, making a little more money could be pretty fulfilling, too.

Be nice to be able to afford a shampoo that wasn't also our dish soap.

But Kris and I agree that it wouldn't be worth the trade-offs, because I'd have to drive longer delivery routes and spend less time with Boyd.

Well, so, for the long haul, you are driving the short haul.

(Laughs)

Living with jokes like that for 25 years...

That's the long haul.

You know, Ryan, maybe you could get off the road and move into management.

Yeah, I'm not really the corporate-ladder type.

I don't have the stomach for it.

Maybe it's this bulgur pilaf.

I have everything a man really needs...

A healthy kid, a beautiful wife-to-be... aww.

...and just enough income to support them.

Ah, the Canadian dream...

"Just enough."

All right. (Clears throat)

Tuesday, 10:00 A.M. our weekly partners meeting.

All right, let's get this thing started.

Okay.

Guess there's no need to call attendance, huh?

Boy, you've been doing that joke for 25 years.

I think that joke voted for Dukakis.

Ed, present. Smartass, also present.

Let's go. Ready?

Here we go.

All right.

Here we go.

Numbers?

Steady.

All right. "P" and "I"?

Is the same.

All right. How about the new...

Eh, it's...

Right, right, right, right. Maybe we should...

Not until...

Good idea, but without...

Absolutely.

There we are.

Ahh. All right.

All right.

(Sighs) Well, meeting adjourned, huh?

Yeah, I thought it would never end.

Yeah.

Boy, I feel like we're stuck in a rut here.

Well, if by "rut" you mean a comfortable groove between two loose, cool dudes.

That's not a rut. That's just bad beat poetry.

Listen, I say we shake it up a little bit.

Okay. How about next Tuesday morning's 10:00 meeting, let's do it at 10:30.

(Chuckles)

You know, that... I... that sounds crazy.

Yeah, I know. Let's just stick to 10:00.

No, I'm talking about a fresh challenge.

You know what I've been daydreaming about?

Ann-Margret? That's where I go every day at 2:30.

No. I'm thinking about that wild-game restaurant we were talking about.

Ohh, so you're finally gonna open Outdoor "man, I'm hungry for some meat"?

Yeah, but that's not the name of that place.

We can enjoy all the exotic foods I've discovered through all my travels, like kudu.

Have you ever had that? Or ...or... or zebra kabobs.

Red camel stew... Ever tried that?

No.

Good, 'cause it's terrible.

That's probably why camels spit all the time.

Trying to get the taste of camel out of their mouths.

Why should people have to go all the way to Jamaica to enjoy a bowl of goat?

We could serve it for breakfast and call it "goatmeal."

You're seriously not on my team for this, all right?

I've done all the financials, right?

We have built-in foot traffic. We've got brand awareness.

Everything we need is right here.

People don't come here to eat, Mikey.

They're hunters and fishermen.

Yeah, but most of these guys aren't good at either one of those things.

We don't know anything about the restaurant business.

It's too risky.

Yeah, but it gets us out of our comfort zone.

We've been resting on our laurels so long, my laurels are numb.

I'm happy on my numb laurels.

No, the whole thing gives me a headache.

You know how much I believe in this?

I'll put up the seed money myself.

I'll do the early financials, get a design study, an architectural rendering.

I won't make any promises, but if I like what I see, I'll jump in.

But don't wait to jump in. There's a deadline, you know?

You want to get in before, you know, the...

What?

... the ... Before you're dead.

Kyle: ...More in the bag. (Laughs)

You're gonna take some of them home, right?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And I don't mind eating around the buckshot.

And if you swallow a piece, big deal.

Um, buckshot is lead.

It causes diminished mental capacity.

I doubt that. I've eaten an awful lot of it.

Oh, thank God you guys are back. I need those feathers.

Mandy, hold still. There's a bird on your head.

Ew. Don't be gross. It's not a bird.

It's the remains of a dead bird.

(Sighs) It's a fascinator (British accent) Just like Kate Middleton wears.

I made it meself, I did.

Well, the accent is fascinating...

(Normal voice) Thank you.

...but I can't say the same for that goofy hat.

Uh, I've already sold three of these "goofy" hats, and I have orders for eight more.

So, let's see... eight hats at seven feathers a hat, that's... buh, math.

Well, hey, we got some more feathers right here. Look.

Ugh. Man, this batch looks pretty lifeless.

Oh, they have to be.

Otherwise, they will not get in the bag.

I need some more colors.

Aren't there, like, green pheasants...

Maybe the young ones that aren't ripe yet?

Well, I can't go hunting for a few days.

I have to take my grandma to Cheyenne for her back surgery.

She slipped a disc throwing her Salisbury steak at the day nurse.

Oh, man. I have orders to fill.

Eve, you have to go hunting for me.

(Groans) I'm sick of eating pheasant.

Can't you make a hat out of shrimp or something?

Fine. I will do it myself.

You're going hunting?

Mm.

Well, then, count me in. I have to see this.

Although I don't want to get shot.

Oh, I know.

I'll stand directly between you and the pheasants.

(Laughs mockingly)

Hey, Kris.

Uh, dad? What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

Is it weird that your dad comes to see you at work?

Well, I once asked if you wanted to come have lunch here, and you said, "that'd be weird."

Did I say "weird?"

I meant "far."

Driving down here, traffic's terrible. You know that?

You know why?

All the new weed stores.

You got people just standing around looking at stop signs, waiting for them to turn green.

So, uh... uh, kind of slow today, huh?

Ah, well, what you call "slow," we in the restaurant business call "not open yet."

Hey, I actually just ran a new promotion, and we are booked solid for tonight.

That's great. Great. Well, ties into why I'm here.

Listen...

What's up?

I'm thinking about opening that wild-game restaurant.

Oh, you mean Outdoor Manger?

Yeah. We're not taking names yet, but I'll put that in the pile of terrible ones.

Oh, look at that. This is weird.

I always thought that was a great idea, dad.

You know why?

Because you're smart, and you know this business.

And that's why... I'd like you to come on board.

You want me to be your manager?

Nope. I want you to be a partner.

Be your own boss, right under me.

And except when I'm in the bathroom, which is more and more of the time now, it'd all be you.

(Scoffs) That would be amazing.

I think so, too. I mean, really incredible. A dream come true.

I think so, too.

I'm gonna have to say no.

Yeah. Yeah.

Say no? What do you ...what do you mean?

Oh, believe me, it is very tempting.

Oh, it'd be so great to be the boss.

Well, again, under me.

But we're doing really well here.

I've... I've worked really hard to build this business.

I-I'd like to see that through.

You built this business for somebody else.

You're making somebody else money.

This is a chance to make me... me... you and me, we'd all make a lot of money.

I'm... I'm sorry, dad, okay?

I really should get back to work.

Kris, wai... do...

(Sighs, clears throat)

Kris, is this... is this because you...

You don't want to work with me?

Well... but only because, you know, we have such a great relationship now, and I'd hate to jeopardize that.

Our relationship isn't that great!

I mean, it's... it's not like you're Eve.

(Chuckles)

There are a lot of qualified managers out there.

I'll help you come up with a list.

Well, I hope it's not another family member.

I don't want to go through this again.

(Sighs)

Hi, mom!

Hey.

Hi. Uh-oh. Long day?

Uh, well, our new waitress quit mid-shift because she didn't realize she would have to look at fish.

Bummer. Well, Boyd and I had a great day. Yeah?

I picked him up from school, and we went to protest in front of the bureau of land management.

Oh, wow. Hmm.

Logging is murder!

That's right, son.

When a tree falls in the forest, there is a sound.

The universe cries.

Honey, why don't you go play with your legos?

We'll make some dinner.

Legos are murder!

I mean, if you've ever stepped on one in the middle of the night, you know what he's talking about.

Babe, I thought that you had a beer delivery to Pueblo tonight.

Yeah, I did, but this protest was really important, so I gave the run to Amir.

And he's always looking for extra money.

Huh. Maybe I should marry Amir.

Uh, my dad came by work today.

Uh, he's got this idea to open a restaurant at Outdoor Man, and he asked me to run it... as a part owner.

Wow. That's... That's great.

Uh, yeah. I told him no.

I said that I thought he and I working together would be too stressful.

Yeah, well, I get that.

I mean, before he started working with Mike, Ed had a full head of hair.

That wasn't the real reason I-I turned him down.

Honey, I don't feel like I can afford to take this kind of a risk.

You know, if... if the restaurant fails, you and I are down to one salary.

We'd find a way, all right? You need to follow your bliss.

Super sweet, but not helpful.

I'm being supportive.

No, you're making supportive noises, but you're not doing squat to back them up.

I mean, how am I supposed to take a leap like that if I can't really... trust you to be my safety net?

You can count on me, all right?

If anything happened, we would find a way.

Will you stop saying, "we will find a way"?

What way? What... Where is this way, huh?

Babe, I'm just trying to be positive.

But positivity doesn't put money in the bank account.

What about that $20 check that I got from the utne reader for my poem "everything is super great"?

If we were to have a financial setback tomorrow, what would be your plan?

We'd find a w...

Don't say "way."

...path.

(Groans)

You know what? Look around, okay? We could downsize.

We don't... we don't need any of these fancy things.

What fancy things? What ...water? Power? Heat?

Honey (Chuckles) We have to move the batteries from the smoke detector to the remote just to turn on the TV.

See?

The remote didn't work, and we found a way.

Wow, so, Kristin turned you down?

She said our relationship was so good, she didn't want to spend time with me.

Actually, I get it. (Laughs)

I have always liked your restaurant idea, so don't give up on it.

You know what? You could be the next Chipotle.

Instead of steak burritos, we could have, uh... snake burritos.

What are you and Ed gonna do for a manager?

We got some options.

But Ed's really not on board with this.

No? What do you mean?

He doesn't want to put any money into it, so...

I'm gonna use our money.

So, it's just you and me, partner.

So... You're gonna be the silent partner, huh?

Uh, when... when were you gonna run this by me?

I just ran it. That was running just then.

Honey (Scoffs) I mean, I'm just wondering if we should be rolling the dice on this when we're down to one paycheck.

Yeah, my paycheck, so this conversation's basically just a courtesy.

But it's our money.

Yeah.

Huh?

Look, I just don't like the timing of this.

I-I-I just left my job to move into teaching.

So, I can't do what I want so you can go out there and Chase unicorns and rainbows?

You mean educate America's youth?

Same chance of success.

Honey, the only reason why I feel comfortable changing careers is because you're solid and successful.

The reason I'm successful is 'cause I take risks, and I fell in love with a woman who supported me in those risks.

Not this time, honey. Sorry.

How do you know I'm talking about you?

Okay. Tell me again why we have to wear these vests.

Uh, so other hunters won't accidentally shoot you.

Oh.

I'm torn, you know?

I don't want to get shot, but I would rather be dead than be caught wearing orange.

Now, you haven't been hunting in a while.

So it takes patience, you know?

Might be stuck out here for hours before...

Flock of hats!

(Panting) Okay. How many did I get?

Whoa. (Chuckles)

Just one, but you killed the crap out of that thing.

Yeah? Well, he should feel good.

He's going to a better place...

The future queen of england's hat.

Mm!

Oh, look! More hats.

Yeah! (Laughs)

Okay.

What's going on? Are you moving out?

No.

And you sounded a little too eager just then.

Yeah, I know. I kind of heard that, too.

Don't bite my head off, okay?

But I think I found an honest-to-goodness way.

For what?

For you to have the safety net you said you wanted.

I signed up for a new delivery route...

Three-day haul to Bakersfield.

It's really good money, I get the same daily rate, and everything after 5:00 is gravy.

I mean literally everything in every diner is covered in gravy.

Oh, are... are you sure y-you want to do this?

I'm... I-I know how much your time with Boyd means to you.

I mean, the redskins are in town.

You guys already made all those protest signs.

Kris, this is how a relationship should work.

We trade off being each other's safety net.

And I want you to be able to do the restaurant with your dad.

Wow.

Thank you.

(Chuckling) I'm excited... and a little nervous.

You think I can handle it?

You're gonna be awesome.

Oh, there's pressure. (Sighs)

(Stammers)

My life was so much easier when I couldn't depend on you.

(Chuckles)

Hello?

Hey.

Dad, look. We had a big day.

Don't be surprised if pheasants show up on the endangered-species list.

So, looks like the... The pheasants fought back?

Oh, my God. Pheasant hunting is ridiculous.

All the running and the chasing and the fetching.

Ugh.

That's what the dog's for.

Dog?

Well, Kyle usually borrows his friend's dog, but Mandy did such a good job!

Who's a good girl? Who's a good girl?

I am a good girl!

Yeah!

I jumped into a pond after one of those stupid birds.

But I got my feathers! Yes!

Now, if you guys will excuse me, I am going to go take a shower and get rid of whatever's crawling around in my boot.

So, why didn't you just rent a dog?

Where's the fun in that? Besides, Mandy had a great time.

She rode with her head out the window the whole way home.

Guess what goes good with pheasant.

More pheasant.

Except this top one's so full of lead, he looks like Sonny Corleone on the Causeway.

More pheasants.

Boy, just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in.

Hi, guys. Hi.

You know, if there are more dead birds in that bag, just get out.

Just brought you guys dessert. (Chuckles)

Hey, uh, dad, listen. Ryan and I had a long talk...

Oh, it probably just seemed like a long talk.

If the offer still stands, I would love to partner with you in the restaurant.

What happened to not wanting to work with me?

To be honest, I just said that 'cause I wasn't sure I could count on Ryan's support.

I mean, it's not a given like it is between you and mom.

Yeah, we're pretty good that way.

Yep. We usually are.

I've been thinking a lot about your wild-game concept.

Yeah? We need to also serve stuff like chicken and burgers, you know, to ease the customers into the exotic stuff.

Go from tater tots to gator tots.

I've been researching suppliers, and I found the names of six ranches that raise exotic animals for food.

Don't forget failed zoos and circuses.

These are great ideas, yeah.

But we're having a-a little...

A little hiccup here with the financing.

Ed doesn't really think this is a good idea right now.

Well, we... we don't need Ed.

Why not?

Well, I mean... we have money.

Our money.

You heard my silent partner, and I like what she's saying.

Welcome aboard. (Squeals softly)

Are you ready to do what's necessary?

I will work like a dog.

Looks like Mandy's already got that covered.

But I do want to know if you remember how to dress a pheasant.

Oh, yeah.

We got a gut bucket outside.

No problem, partner.

Excellent.

How's it feel to be the number-one daughter again?

Huh. I have to say, it's not too bad.

(Typewriter dings)

Hi. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

History is made by the men and women bold enough to risk everything for a crazy idea...

Explorers, inventors, people who think outside of the box.

How about the guy that first got to try milk?

He said to his buddy, "hey, you see that dangly thing hanging from that cow, huh?

"I'm gonna squeeze it, and whatever comes out, I'm gonna have it with cookies."

(Cow moos)

Great people inspire us to do great things.

Helen Keller once said, "life is either a daring adventure or nothing."

Wow. 'Course, she might have been talking about making it safely across the living room.

Circus daredevil Karl Wallenda has a famous quote...

"Life is being on the wire.

Everything else is just waiting."

This lead to God's famous quote, "somebody show Wallenda around."

But don't let successful people fool you.

You know, failure is much more common.

But we never hear those famous quotes...

The investor who said, "I'm putting all my money into gluten."

The presidential adviser who said, "let's just send a few guys to Vietnam. What could go wrong?"

The famous baseball team owner who said, "he's a fat pitcher. Let the Yankees have Ruth."

Of course, my favorite, the pioneer who said, "there'll be plenty of food. It's called the donner party."

The point is, you have to be willing to fail if you're ever going to succeed.

And if you do fail, it's not gonna kill you...

Unless you're Karl Wallenda, and then you might wanna consider using a net.

Which we sell at Outdoor Man.