Homer the Whopper

Milhouse, watch me make a loser lose it. Oh, customers, how I hate them. Excuse me. I just heard that before spider-man was a movie, It was a comic book-- is that possible? What the...? suffering steve ditko! How can you not know that spider-man first appeared in 1962's classic Amazing fantasy 15?! Ooh, 12 cents! I'll take eight. What the...? You idiot! Mint condition copies are, like, $40,000 each! Must lie down On pile of unsold hulk hands. Hulk smash. Huh? What's this? "everyman"? He's not a hero from marvel, dc, Image or wildstorm. "it was a typical day For delivery man avery mann until..." Help! Bank robbers! Shut your yap. Time for this average man to disappear. Look at that fat guy-- beatin' it like an egg. Yeah, he's scramblinin" like an egg. Egg. Egg. Laugh while you can. Everyman absorbs the powers of every superhero Whose comic book he touches. Power-absorption power... Absorb! It's just a flyin' fatso-- keep robbin'. Good afternoon, gentlemen. put me in sing-sing! It's safer! Perfect. Plastic man powers-- absorb! Going somewhere? Everyman will stop every crime every time. And I... Am... Everyman. Put my comic down. You made this?! Shut up. No one is interested in the critical judgment of a worthless child... Actually, I like it. You what now? Everyman is awesome. Reading it, I escaped from my troubles. Now they're back in spades. Have you shown this to anyone? No. If copies got out, It would be ridiculed by the online community-- Sonofsonofspock, thedorkknight, and ikilledkenny6475. Don't be afraid of them. They're just lame-o's like yourself. Two of them are me. Very well. I... Shall... Self-publish. How many issues have you written? Oh, uh, just 335, including the controversial number 289, Featuring the death of marmaduke. Comic book guy's been writing these for years. Who knew a troubled person could be creative? Yeah, still waters run deep. I'm so rich. All right, what's our next big summer franchise? Come on. You want an original idea? Yes. Let your imaginations run free. Something that's never been a movie before, But feels like it has. Extension cords. Mixed nuts. Car keys. Eh, we've already made everything That could possibly be a movie into a great movie. There's nothin' left. Dad, can we go? I've watched all the dvds in the bentley. Jonah, what's that in your hand? Oh, big surprise that you don't know what this is. It's only everyman, the coolest comic book ever. What are his powers? All of them. That's it. Our next big summer movie will be everyman. Uh, marv? Ginormous pictures bought the rights To everyman three weeks ago. Damn it! We at ginormous pictures are incredible fans And think everyman would make a fantastic movie. Oh really? The way you thought "stratego" would make a good movie? You'd expect us to believe That a red scout would date a blue general? Hey, don't blame us-- brett ratner had final cut. I'm well aware of who had what cut. Let me get to the point: It is not money I am after, or women-- I know that is impossible. What I want is to pick the actor who will play everyman. No can do. Thank you. But we never give... Thank you. They'll laugh us out of Hollywood. Thank you. fine. You got it. Thank you. I played hardball with Hollywood. The closest I will ever come to playing a sport in my life. "Wherever there's a crime to be solved, I will be there to solve... it." And there's more, but my fax machine ran out of ink, so I can't read it. Do you know where you can buy ink for an amiga brand fax machine? Thank you, that was great. You want to see it any other way? Like sad... Or Brooklyn, or Richard Nixon voice? Pass. But I already bought a boat with the money you were gonna pay me. Come on, comic book guy, you've gotta pick someone. We've already read three people. Don't you latté-sipping leeches understand? I've seen enough of these Hollywood super-hunks. We need a dumpy, unappealing loser. an everyman Can you help me out? I need change for a dollar. Oh, I also need a dollar. You... Are... Acceptable. Great. Do you want to see me naked? Oh, there's no nudity in this movie. What movie? Let's go around the table, and everyone say One amazing thing that happened to them today. Lisa? Well, I qualified for the national math bee-- Great. Marge, go. Guess who the garden club Elected president? You? Awesome. Next. No. I lost. Eh, they can go to hell. Bart? Dr. Hibbert found out my thyroid isn't pumping out enough-- Time's up. Okay, Maggie: "suck, suck"-- that takes us to... Me. Some Hollywood idiots hired me to star in a movie. Homer, we have a problem. Fine. I'll give back the oscars I stole from the lobby. Do you want the golden globe? No! No... But we have a bigger problem. Homer, my brother and I showed this picture of you To a cross-section of typical moviegoers. Not one thought you looked like a superhero. Several people stared at the sun, Attempting to blind themselves. Against every animal instinct they had. We need you to slim down, muscle up and become the everyman People want to be instead of the one they actually are. I don't know if I can. I'm a yo-yo dieter: "yo, hot dog man. Yo, peanuts." Why aren't you laughing? Don't you know what "yo" means? Maybe I can help. Lyle mccarthy. Finally, the answer to my problem. What do you do? He's the trainer to the stars. Here's what brad and angelina looked like before they met me. They look good with a little meat on their bones. Come with me. Take my hand, homer, And wave good-bye to fat you. Good-bye, fat me. Are you sure that guy who created everyman's going to like this? Him? He's gone hollywood.