Steampunx

(In the backyard, Buford, Baljeet, Phineas, and Ferb watch as Lawrence uses his steam powered metal detector to search for buried metal objects.)

Phineas: What've we got so far?

Ferb: I've got a bottle cap and a brass nail.

Buford: Two bottle caps and a nail.

Baljeet: A washer, a hinge and a nail.

Phineas: I've got a nickel and a piece of brass! No, wait, it's a nail.

Lawrence: You never know what you're going to find.

Buford: I do, another nail.

Baljeet: Or a bottle cap.

Isabella: (Walking into the backyard) Hi, Phineas! What'cha doin'?

Phineas: We're looking for stuff with Dad's steam-powered metal detector.

Isabella: Wow. An antique that locates other antiques. (The steam-powered metal detector goes off)

Lawrence: Oh, we've got another one!.

Buford: Ooh! Let me dig it up.

Lawrence: Of, course, let me put this down.

Buford: (As he digs) Wait! It's not a nail. It's a coin.

Lawrence: Well, let's have a look then. Oh, yes. I've seen this before. It's a commemorative coin from the nineteen hundred and three Danville World's Fair. Many steam-driven devices were introduced to the world back then. It must have been quite an event...

(At the 1903 Danville World's Fair)

(Song: "Professor Elemental Future Past")

Professor Elemental: Welcome to the future, all you forward-thinking socialites,

Delightful world and steam so bright,

Change your life overnight,

Behold this lady's hairbrush, this motor-powered cow,

If you don't know how this gizmo works, I'll try to show you how.

It's robotic kitchens, prototypes, a singing kettle,

You'll love this nut and turtle shell made of living metal,

You'll never need to settle for yesterday's future,

We've borrowed from tomorrow, steam power, it's so super!

Welcome to a brave new world (bright world!),

The future is an amazing time for you to climb aboard!

Welcome to a brand new day! (Hooray!)

Everything will change! Time for me to show the way!

Step in closer, I've got so much to show you.

A robotic rooster starts the morning,

And a rocket-powered cycle takes you skyward and you're soaring

'Til you fall towards a lovely picnic made of future food,

Steam-powered sandwiches, useful speaking fruits.

You are living in your prime, catching lightning in a jar,

Robot butlers keep you tidy, no matter where you are,

The future runs like clockwork and you never need to stress,

You really can afford it: That's the price of steam progress!

Welcome to a brave new world (bright world!),

The future is an amazing time for you to climb aboard!

Welcome to a brand new day! (Hooray!)

Everything will change! Time for me to show the way!

Professor Elemental: You there sir. Yes you there, with the excellent hat, and that hand. You're clearly a man of taste. Step up here would you? Take a look at this marvelous machine.

(Phineas and Ferb circa 1903 leave the world's fair)

Phineas: Wow. The future's gonna be amazing. Flying machines. Household electrification. Steam-powered submarines.

Ferb: Personally, I'm looking forward to cheese that comes in aerosol cans.

Phineas: Still hard at work, Dad?

Lawrence: (With his steam-powered metal detector) Well, hello there, my young fellows.

Phineas: Find anything good yet?

Lawrence: Oh, just dome old civil war coins.

Voice from the Civil War Coin: The Union assaults against the Sunken Road eventually pierced the Confederate center, but the Federal advantage was not followed–

Phineas: Dad, dad. I'm sorry, we've got uh, chores to do.

Lawrence: Oh yes, yes. Go ahead, boys. Don't let me stop you.

Voice from the Civil War Coin: As I was saying. In th–

Candace: (Singing) Oh, I'm a trudgin' to get some water, down this old and dusty road. I reckon they'll be more someday, then just three sticks and– (To Phineas and Ferb) Wait a minute, wait a minute. You should be doing your farm chores. Milking the cows, mending the fence, shucking the corn, plowing the fields, and milking the cows again. You can't just stand around, you know.

Phineas: Actually, Candace, we were thinking about a way to do our chores using modern steam technology. We learned all about it at the world's fair.

Candace: Oh did you now? Well if I didn't have to haul water, sweep the barn, collect eggs, spin a quilt, and do whatever this is; I'd tell mom. (She walks off)

Phineas: I wonder if she knows those buckets have holes in them.

(Isabella and Baljeet come up)

Isabella: Hello, boys. We would like to inquire as to what you are doing at this moment.

Phineas: Well, as we were just telling Candace, we were just about to create a steam-powered machine that will help with our- Hey, where's Sweary?

Sweary: Honk! Honk!

Buford: Found 'im! Found 'im!

Phineas: Oh, there you are, Sweary the Swan!

Sweary: Honk!

Buford: Man, that pet of yours gives me the creeps.

Phineas: Come on Buford. you know swans don't do much.

Buford: Don't do much? The big bite on my butt begs to differ!

(Sweary waddles off behind the barn and opens up a zoetrope)

Major Megaburns: Good morning Agent S. This is Major Megaburns. Your arch-enemy, Professor Von Doofenshmirtz, has been spotted creating something evil in his laboratory. Go check it out.

Carl: Perhaps Sweary would want to try my new steam-powered jetpack. It's very heavy and full of boiling hot water.

Megaburns: Hey, wait a minute. How come your zoetrope image is so much cooler than mine?

Carl: It's not "cooler" sir. It's just got more frames.

Barbershop Quartet: Doofenshmirtz...Doofenshmirtz...Doofenshmirtz...Doofenshmirtz...Doofenshmirtz Evil Amalgamated!

Von Doofenshmirtz: (Talks loudly) Ah, Sweary the Swan, how completely unforeseen is your -- Uh, hang on a second. (turns off a large machine behind him) Ah, that's better. Sweary the Swan, how completely unforeseen is your presence here, and by that, I mean, completely foreseen! (Sweary attempts to bite von Doofenshmirtz) Hey! No bites. I've got a little something for you.

(Sweary is grabbed from behind by von Doofenshmirtz's robot)

Pnorman: Well, hello there.

Von Doofenshmirtz: Allow me to introduce to you my sidekick, Pneumatic Pnorman. And both of those are spelt with a "P". You know, the... The "P's" are silent. I don't even now why they put them in there, if they're not gonna pronounce it. It's just a waste of a good letter. That's what it is. But, I babble. Back on topic.

Pnorman: Shall I put this cucumber in the salad, sir?

Von Doofenshmirtz: That's not a cucumber Pnorm. I'm sorry about that, Sweary, he has problems identifying objects. Pnorm, that's a swan, and we're going to tie him to the railroad tracks.

Pnorman: How melodramatic.

(Sweary squawks at Von Doofenshmirtz)

Von Doofenshmirtz: Wow! Do you preen your feathers with that mouth? They should call you Sw- Oh! Oh, I get it. Swear-y the Swan.

Phineas: Okay, we're all set, Ferb, start her up! (Ferb pulls a lever, and the chore doing machine begins work.)

(Song: Quirky Worky Song (Old-Time Version))

Phineas (cont'd): Shuck the corn. Milk the cows.

Isabella: Mend the fences.

Phineas: Lastly, plow and seed the field.

Candace: I feel like I've been carrying these buckets all summer. I'll never get to the fair in time to meet Jeremy. (She hears Phineas and Ferb's machine from behind)

Phineas: Hey Candace!

Candace: Is that a steam-powered chore doing device?! You are so going to get it! Get back here you steam-punk!

Phineas: Sorry Candace, it won't stop 'till we run out of coal!

Candace: I shall go fetch Mother! (drops her milk buckets and runs off) Ma!

(At railroad tracks)

Von Doofenshmirtz: Sweary the Swan, did you know that the world's fair is in town? They have all of this amazing, new technology. Here, look. It's all represented here, on this commemorative coin– (Sweary the Swan bite's Von Doofenshmirtz's thumb) Ow! Now look what you did! You made me drop it. Pnorman, go find that coin.

Pnorman: It's probably right at your feet, sir. I can't bend over without pulling my axle out of alignment.

Von Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, whatever, think of something. Anyway, like I was saying before you bit my thumb, down at the fair they have all these neat, new steam-powered gizmos that they plan to use for "progress." Normally I wouldn't mind, but they're also attaching a lot of "hope" and "optimism" to progress. And that is something I will not put up with. So I've built a big, monster machine to smash their world's fair to bits! Behold! It's an evil swan! (von Doofenshmirtz reviles his machine) It's a- it's a big swan. It's like you, but, you know, bigger, and hammer-y-er. It's got more hammers than you do. Plus, it runs on the new technology of steam!

Pnorman: (Returning with Vanessa in his arms) Sir, I found your coin.

Von Doofenshmirtz: That's not a coin. That's my daughter, you dolt!

Pnorman: No wonder she wouldn't fit in the gum ball machine.

Von Doofenshmirtz: You hear that Sweary the Swan? That is the sound of– (Von Doofenshmirtz is cut off by a whistle of steam coming from his evil swan) ... aerosol cheese!

Pnorman: We didn't hear what you said!

Von Doofenshmirtz: (In another steam whistle) Oh for Pete's sake!

Candace: (offscreen) Ma!

Linda: (Churning butter) Oh, these new gadgets are so complicated. Up and down, and up and down, and up–

Candace: (runs up to her) Ma! Ma Ma! The boys! Machine to do their chores! Not fair!

Linda: (sarcastically) Oh my. That sound exciting. I'll come have a look, as soon as I'm done doing, whatever this is.

(At the World's Fair)

Farmer's Wife: I don't believe it. A fuzzy doll in the shape of a bear? It's the end of decency.

Farmer: You didn't believe in me or anthropomorphism.

(The house of the future behind them explodes, as Von Doofenshmirtz's swan breaks through it)

Man: (Running away) Everyone run! It's a big, hammer-y swan!

Von Doofenshmirtz: Ha! Soon you will all see the power of my– (He is drowned out by another whistle of steam)

Man 2: We can't here you!

(At the train tracks Sweary cuts through the ropes tying him down, and grabs onto the train that was about to crush him)

(Von Doofenshmirtz's swam tears apart the Lumiere Brothers Real Motion Pictures tent)

Auguste Lumière: Look! A huge, rampaging, steam-powered, hammer-y swan! If only there was a way we could record this event!

Louis Lumière: Auguste! You have just invented the moving picture documentary! Quickly, mood music!

(Music starts as Louis begins filming the events in a silent motion picture style)

(Von Doofenshmirtz scares some fair goers, a screen reads "Now you will all feel the wrath of my...")

(He is cut off by another steam whistle, and passerby motion that they can't hear. A slide reads "Can you hear what he's saying" then another saying, "No. No I can't")

(Sweary swoops down onto Professor Von Doofenshmirtz, and pulls off his mustache. A slide reads, "HONK!" then another soon after saying, "You eat corn with that mouth?")

Farmer: This sure is a lot of shucked corn, and fresh milk.

Phineas: All in an afternoon's work.

Farmer: Aren't you a bit young to be industrial revolutionaries?

Phineas: Yes. Yes, we are.

Farmer: As a simple farmer from a bygone age, that's good enough for me. Alright Spartacus, let's get these good to market, and then it's back to the bookcase for ye'. (Spartacus the horse whinnies, and the two of them leave)

Phineas: All our chores are done and it's still light out. What else do you guys wanna do today?

Baljeet: We could drink lemonade and sit on the porch.

Buford: We can go to Panama and start diggin'.

Isabella: We could formally begin courting.

Phineas: What?

Isabella: Nothing.

(Sweary the swan come around, and drives off with the boy's creation)

Candace: (Showing Linda) They built a giant machine that does their chores. It shucks the corn, and it shoots seeds out of a gatling gu– (She stops, seeing that machine is no longer there) But, but, but...

Linda: Candace, it's 1903. We do not use that word.

Von Doofenshmirtz: (To the Lumière brothers) No, no, you're not getting my best side. But here, let me show you my worst side! (von Doofenshmirtz's swan eats the camera and Louis with it) What? Sweary the Swan! (Sweary the Swan shows up, driving Phineas and Ferb's chore doing machine directly at Von Doofenshmirtz) Ah, you want to play swan chicken, ah? (Sweary rams into von Doofenshmirtz, then backs up for another go) Oh no, get back here! (Sweary uses the chore doing machine to shuck corn into von Doofenshmirtz's robot) Oh no! He's using the old quad maneuver. (Von Doofenshmirtz's swan lifts off and then explodes) Curse you, Sweary the Swan!

Lawrence: And that's the way it was at the Danville world's fair.

Phineas: A giant steam-powered hammering swan? Come on, Dad, that sounds a little far-fetched for the time period, doesn't it?

Lawrence: Oh, yes. Yes, it does.

(Professor Von Doofenshmirtz falls from the sky)

Von Doofenshmirtz: Man, how long was I up there?

End Credits
(Song: "Professor Elemental Future Past)"

Welcome to the future, all you forward-thinking socialites,

Delightful world of steam so bright,

Change your life overnight,

Behold this lady's hairbrush, this motor-powered cow,

If you don't know how this gizmo works, I'll try to show you how.

It's robotic kitchens, prototypes, a singing kettle,

You'll love this nut and turtle sheller made of living metal,

You'll never need to settle for yesterday's future,

We've borrowed from tomorrow, steam power, it's so super!

Welcome to a brave new world (My word!),

The future is amazing, time for you to climb aboard!

Welcome to a brand new day! (Hooray!)

Everything will change! Time for me to show the way!