Immigrant Song

(In Forman Kitchen, Eric sitting at table eating cereal, Laurie by the refrigerator, Donna walks in)

Donna: Ok, Eric. Get a good look at me in my uniform because today. . . its my last day wearing it

Eric: NO, No, ah, we never got to do the trampoline thing

Donna: Hey, I'm done with Catholic school. And, my dad fixed it so I can graduate at Point Place with you guys

Eric: My best memories are under that skirt

(Kitty walks in and goes to counter, Laurie runs to her, Donna sits on stool and Eric stands next to Donna)

Laurie: Hey, mom where's daddy? I need 20 dollars

Kitty: For what?

Laurie: In an effort to clean up my act I'm buying my own drinks now

Kitty: Well, He's not home. When Eric told him about his little plan to move away with Donna after graduation your father went fishing

(Physco’s 'The Knife' starts playing)

Eric: What ?

Laurie:(screams) NO !!!

Donna:(freaked) What's the big deal you guys are really freaking me out

Eric: My dad only goes fishing when he's like. . . super pissed. I think something about stabbing a worm over and over again with a hook is like. . . therapeutic for him

Laurie: Yeah! He fished for three whole days when he found out about me and the mayor

Kitty: What?

Laurie: (points to Eric/yells) Eric's moving away!

Kitty: That’s right, and that's why your father is angry. This is your way of acting grown-up. Grown-ups don't just leave the comfort of there parent's home to. . . to move to a new city and start a life

Donna: Maybe not in the 1930's

(Kitty gives Donna a look like she‘s saying ‘excuse me‘)

Donna: 40's

(Kitty gives Donna same look again)

Donna: God, your so young

(Kitty grabs her mug and moves over to the stove)

Kitty:I think this is nut's. Don't you just think this is nut's the whole thing is just. . . Just nuts

(violently pulls open drawer to pull out a spoon, mixing her coffee)

Eric: Mom? I Kinda think your the one who's kind of being. ..

Kitty: Oh, If you say I'm nuts your going right through that sliding door. I don't enjoy telling you this. . . but you just wait until your father gets home. I did enjoy that.

(Kitty exits through the kitchen door, Laurie walks over to stove)

Donna: (to Laurie) This is all your fault

(Eric walking to Laurie by the stove)

Eric: Yeah, Hey, Laurie, uh, quick impression, who am I? Hey, Eric, why don't you tell dad you're moving after graduation so he'll kill you and I can reclaim my rightful place as (low/out of breath) the chosen one

Laurie: Eric, You don't understand. This time I actually meant well.

Eric: That's what you said at the County Fair after you locked me in the port-o-potty with a goat

Laurie: He was friendly

Eric: (angry) He was horney!

(In Donna's bedroom: Jackie sitting on her cot, writing, as Kelso enters with a jar of pink jellybeans in back of hands)

Kelso: Hey, Jackie

Jackie: (annoyed) Oh, Michael, What do you want?

Kelso: I think the question is what do you want?

(Kelso sits beside Jackie in the bed)

Kelso: And I'm pretty sure the answer is pink jellybeans (show Jackie the jelly beans) Now there use to be pink and white jellybeans but I ate all the white ones cause I know you don't like things that taste white

(Jackie stands up)

Jackie: Okay. Look, Michael, Just because Steven and I broke up does not mean I want you throwing yourself at me

(Jackie sits down on Donna's bed as Kelso stands up)

Kelso: Jackie this is the new and improved Michael, Okay. I'm not throwing anything at you except for happy thoughts and jellybeans. (Sits next to Jackie on Donna's bed) Sex is, like, the furthest thing from my mind. So, (sighs) it's really over between you two, huh?

Jackie: Yeah. Yeah, I think it is

Kelso: So why do we still have cloths on?

Jackie: (stands/points to door) Oh, God, Michael get out!

Kelso: (stands) Oh, Jackie? I'm talking about our emotional clothes. Okay, Look I know I've made mistakes in the past, Okay, but I've changed and I just want you to get to know the knew me

Jackie: The new you, huh? Well does the new you cheat with every skank that throws her fat, furry butt at you?

Kelso: Jackie, No one I ever cheated with had a fat, furry butt? If anything, it was one or the other. Look, all that is over, okay? It's finito, the end-o

(Kelso sits back down on Donna's bed while Jackie is still standing folding her arms)

Jackie: I don't believe you

Kelso: Well it's the truth

Jackie: Okay, fine, Michael, whatever, Okay Let's just see how things go from here

(Jackie sits down on her cot)

Kelso: Great, Let's get naked

(Kelso walks over from Donna's bed to Jackie's bed)

Jackie: (mad) Oh, Michael!

Kelso: No, like friendly naked, like two girls in a sauna

Jackie: (laughs) You are such a freak

Kelso: Okay, Just at least take a jellybean, okay? I bought 'em just for you

(Kelso picks jellybean jar up from the floor and opens it and show's it to Jackie so that she can take one)

Jackie: Well, that was very sweet

(Jackie takes a jellybean as Fez storms into the room angry at Kelso)

Fez: (angry) There you are. Give me back my jellybeans you Son of a Bitch!

(Grabs jellybeans from Kelso and exits door, Jackie hits Kelso with a green flower pillow)

- theme song - That 70s Song by Cheap Trick

(Eric's basement: Hyde in his usual chair, Donna on the left side corner of the couch wearing her Catholic school outfit reading a magazine, Fez with a camera by the radio looking at Donna and taking her pictures)

Fez: (to Donna) Okay now, cross and uncross your legs.

(camera shutter snapping at Donna who is still reading her magazine)

Fez: Um. . . um. . . (snaps another photo) Okay, Now make a face like (hand over mouth/sexy) "Oops, Did I do something bad?"

(camera shutter continues snapping at Donna who has looked up from her magazine annoyed looking at Hyde who is smiling and shaking his head ‘yes‘)

Fez: Okay, Now. . . now crawl to me, good, good (camera shutters at Donna) now crawl away from me, oh yes

(Fez repeatedly snapping more photos of Donna)

Hyde: Come on, Donna, throw him a bone, huh? There's only so much satisfaction the kid can get from the back of a panty hose package

Fez: Yes, Donna, I have a lot to do. After this I have to get Lindsay Wolff to sign my yearbook then show her that she's actually signed a pledge to do it with me three times

Donna: Why three?

Fez: Well because the first time I'll be nervous and then the second time, I'll have to pleaseher because I got nervous. Then the third time. . . the third time is when I get funky

(continues snapping, camera shutter, Donna goes to read her magazine again as Jackie enters Hyde stands up)

Hyde: Jackie? . ..

Jackie: No, no Steven I'm not here to see you okay, I'm just here to see Donna.

Hyde: Look, I told you I'm sorry and I mad a mistake can we just talk, please?

(Hyde walks over to Jackie who is standing by the chair near the radio)

Jackie: Talk about what? You cheated on me, okay? It's over I feel nothing

Fez: Oooh, Bitchy

(Fez, in between them from behind snaps a photo and walks away towards the washer and dryer)

Jackie: You know what, Donna? I'll just see you next door

(Jackie exits leaving Hyde there standing then he sits on the chair by the radio while Fez walks over to the couch by Donna and bumps his knee purposely which makes Donna stand up from the couch)

Fez: Ouch!

Donna: Are you okay?

(While Donna is standing Fez, with his camera, takes a picture of Donna under her skirt)

Donna: (Yells) FEZ!!

(Fez stands up and runs around the couch )

Fez: Panties! Panties!

(Fez runs and exits through the door with his camera)

(On top of the water tower [dark] enter Fez, Kelso with black paint bucket and brush, and Hyde also with a black paint bucket and brush)

Fez: Ah the sacred senior prank, where we vandalize the water tower. I've been waiting for this moment since, well, the last time we vandalized the water tower

Kelso: So, Hyde. I gave Jackie some jellybeans today

(Fez in the middle while Kelso, on the right of Fez kneels down and puts bucket down while Hyde is on the left side of Fez)

Hyde: Who cares?

Kelso: Yeah, Well you should because they where pink and that is the bean of love and I got her that particular bean because I never stopped loving her

(Hyde on top of ladder by water tower)

Hyde: Yeah, Well you stopped long enough to cheat on her with Pam Macey, Laurie, and Anette. Who else am I forgetting

Kelso: (laughs) There where many others but you cheated on her with a nurse

Hyde: It was a misunderstanding that you caused, (mad) That’s it, lets go!

(Hyde walking over to try to beat up Kelso, Kelso stands up walking towards Hyde. Fez, in the middle holds Hyde back and stands in between them)

Kelso: Oh, okay, I hope you got that nurses phone number cause your gonna need it when I’m done with ya

Fez: (angry) Hey! Stop it! Stop it! You two need to grow up and start painting genitals on the water tower!

Kelso: (Looking at Hyde) Fine! I'll be over here (goes back to his spot)

Hyde: (Looking at Kelso) Fine! I'll be over here (goes back to his spot)

Fez: Well since I've never seen another mans genitals I'll have to paint my own. In that case I'll need more paint (laughs)

(Kelso, on the right side of the tower climbs on top of the ledge starting to paint)

Fez: And a bigger tower (laughs once again)

Kelso: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!!

Hyde: Kelso what are you writing

Kelso: “Michael plus Jackie”

(points to the big black letters he wrote reading “Michael + Jackie“)

Hyde: (angry) I'm kickin' your ass

(walks over to go to Kelso but Fez stops him)

Kelso: You can't kick my ass from down there. All you can do is punch my ass

(still standing on ledge of water tower Kelso shows Hyde and Fez his butt, moving it)

Hyde: (angry) Hey! Get down!

Kelso: Just face the fact, Hyde. Your down there (lets go of water tower, balancing on ledge) and I'm up here (losing his balance) and I am invincible. ..

(Kelso falls from tower all the way to the ground leaving Fez and Hyde up on the tower trying to catch him, but miss, hear a thud, and Fez and Hyde hold onto ledge to look and see where Kelso has fallen)

Fez: (shouting) Kelso, Are you okay?!

Kelso's voice: I think I fell!

Hyde: Let me go check on him

Fez: Okay, okay

(Hyde exits the water tower through the ladder leaving Fez by himself)

Fez: (to himself kneeling down with brush) I think he'll be fine, now lets see where do I begin?

(Fez picks up paint brush stands up and looks at water tower)

Fez: I want it to look like it's coming right at me

(Fez starts to paint a big circle until a huge light flashes at him and he hears a siren wail)

Man on bullhorn's voice : This is the Point Place Police Department. Your under arrest

(Fez stops drawing and turns around)

Fez: (Looking at light) I am a painter form a foreign country and this is my gift to America

Man on bullhorn's voice: Get off the water tower

(Fez waves hands in the Air, paint brush in his right hand)

Fez: People of America. I give you “Genitals in the sky”

(In Forman kitchen: Kitty by stove while Donna and Eric are sitting in the table writing, they all stop suddenly when they hear a car approaching, breaks screech)

Eric: (worried) You hear that

Donna: (worried) Sounds like your dad's car

(car door closes)

Eric: Run for it

(Both Donna and Eric try to exit out the kitchen through the living room door but Kitty stops them)

Kitty: No you don’t! You made you bed now you have to lie in it. Oh, who am I kidding, you never make you bed

(Eric trying to pass Kitty to get to the door but Kitty blocks him, it‘s actually quite funny)

Donna: Eric, wait! Listen, If you leave now you'll never get back in. That means good-bye to your cloths your furniture. ..

Eric: (gasp) My G.I. Joe's

(Red enters through sliding door, angry)

Red: (passing them all exiting through the living room door) Every body in the living room

Kitty: (hisses/sings) Your gonna get it! Your gonna get it! (Kitty exits to living room)

(In Forman living room: Red standing by right side of the couch as kitty enters to run behind him. Enter Eric and Donna to stand on the left side of the couch)

Kitty: Lay it on 'em, Red

Red: While I was fishing. I had a lot of time to think

Kitty: (backing Red up) That’s right!!

Red: And all that thinking made me very angry

Kitty: (repeating ) Very angry

Red: And the fish that where unlucky enough to cross my path. . . Well, you know how they say that fish can't feel pain. That's a load of crap!

Kitty: A big load!

Red: And I finally came to a conclusion that someone in this room is not going to like

Kitty: (to Eric) That's you porky mouth

Red: Eric. . . (sincere) I'm proud of you.

Kitty: (to Donna) And that goes double for. . . (to Red) What the hell did you say?!!

Red: I did everything I could to stop you from getting married but you stuck to your guns and I admire that your willing to go out on your own.(walks over to Eric) Your a man now. . . and you have my blessing

(Red takes out his hand to shake Eric's, Eric pulls his hand out to shake Red's, surprised by his reaction)

Donna: (happy) This is like 'The Godfather' (talking to Eric but pointing to Reds hand) I think you have to kiss his ring

(In Forman living room: Donna, Eric, Red, and Kitty still standing in the same places)

Kitty: (hits red on shoulder) How can you just give in and let Eric leave home? He has defied you over and over he's a lying, cheating, conniving liar and I won't let you send my precious baby boy away! (crying)

Red: Kitty, my mind is made up (to Eric) and Eric, where gonna pay for your college, too

(Eric and Donna look at each other in excitement)

Eric: (to Red) Really? Dad, I. . . I don't know what to say to you except. . . Your great!

(Eric hugs Red who doesn't hug him back)

Red: That's all right son we don’t do that here

Kitty: Okay well, well this is nice since were all happy Eric doesn't have to leave three months early he can go to school in the fall like everyone else (claps hands/to Eric) We can take a pottery class!

Red: No, Kitty. He's leaving. No pottery class. No Mother/Son dancing lessons. No trying out for Family Feud but this deal is only good if you stay focused. If you do something stupid, like get Donna pregnant, your on your own

Donna: Then I guess this is a bad time to give you the news

(They all look at Donna)

Donna: (to Eric/excited) I’m kidding I'm just so giddy!!

(In excitement jumps up and down to hug Eric, who looks relieved)

(In Hospital: Nurse aiding Kelso, who is sitting on edge of bed with his right arm wrapped while Hyde sits on chair to the right, Nurse exits)

Hyde: So It's just a sprain huh?

(Kelso looking at nurses butt as she exits)

Kelso: Yeah, It doesn't hurt to bad. I guess the best part is I've now fallen off the water tower in every grade

Hyde: That record will stand until your son goes to school

Kelso: Thanks for driving me to the hospital, man

Hyde: Yeah, Whatever

Kelso: Not whatever. Ok, you drove me because we've been buds forever. So why are we fighting over a girl, man. Remember in the third grade when we where both in love with Miss. Hamell and we fought over her? And then after you pulled my head out of the toilet and I let go of your beanbags, we made a pact to never fight over a girl again.

Hyde: Yeah, your right, man (stands from chair) neither of us had a shot with Jackie anyway. So I'm stepping back

Kelso: No, You go for it. I'll step back

Hyde: No, I’m serious the door is open for you

Kelso: No, I’m serious the door is open for you

(Kelso stands up to face Hyde)

Hyde: I just closed the door for me

Kelso: Well I'm closing the door for me and I'm locking myself inside and I'm swallowing the key

Hyde: Fine! Where both done with her. Your my bud

(Hyde gives a friendly hit to Kelso in the arm)

Kelso: Your my bud, (hits Hyde in arm with injured arm) Ow!

Hyde: (smiling) I was wondering if that would work and it did

(Hyde goes to exit the room while the nurse enters)

(In Hospital, outside of Kelso's room: Hyde goes to exit but stops when Jackie calls him from behind)

Jackie: (gasp) Steven, are you okay?

Hyde: Why?

Jackie: Well, I heard someone fell of the water tower and I thought it could be you and I just. ..

Hyde: No, It was Kelso

(A look of relief on Jackie’s face as she sighs)

Hyde:Wait, You came down here cause you where worried about me

Jackie:No, I didn't

Hyde: ‘Cause you still care about me

Jackie: Ugh-ugh

Hyde:So I still have a shot with you

Jackie: No, no you don't. (serious) I mean, Okay, I don't know

(Hyde smiling and just stares at Jackie silently)

Jackie: Steven, stop staring at me or I'll kick you

(Jackie hits Hyde on his shin while Kelso exits from room and stands next to Hyde)

Hyde: (from kick) Aahh!

Kelso: Jackie, Hope you didn't come here to make love to me.

Jackie: (annoyed) No, Michael I. ..

Kelso: Cause I'm fine

(Kelso puts his arm around Hyde while Hyde just stares at Jackie)

Kelso:All I need is my buddy Hyde and no chick is gonna come between us anymore. (looks at Hyde) Right Hyde?

Hyde: (looking at Jackie) Uh. . . Yeah

Kelso: Yeah, Lets go buddy Hyde

(Kelso hits Hyde on shoulder with his injured hand)

Kelso: OW!!

(In Forman Kitchen: Donna on stool and Eric on top of counter by sink both looking at the newspaper)

Donna: Look at all the apartments they have in Madison. This place even pays utilities

Eric: Oh, cool! What are utilities?

Donna: I think it's, like gas and water

Eric: Free water? Um, You know what that means? . . . Free ice

(Kitty enters kitchen through basement door)

Kitty: What are you two doing?

Eric: Oh, Where looking for Apartments in Madison. I can't believe it (looks at Donna) it's like we leave in less than a week

(Donna excitedly shakes her head yes)

Kitty: (upset) Are you trying to kill me, because that’s what your doing, your killing your mother, you only got one, you know

(Donna drawing Eric's attention back to the newspaper)

Donna: Eric? This place has a washer and dryer

Eric: Wait, a washer and free water (laughs) My God, It's like there's no reason to ever come home you know

Donna: (laughing) I know

(Kitty laughs gets angry then exits through the sliding door)

(Forman garage: Red fixing the Vista Cruiser while Kitty enters through the sliding door)

Kitty: (angry) Washer and dryer, Red. They are going to have a washer and dryer. That red headed harlot is going to be shouting out my baby's grass stains. What about my last summer with my youngest child. I bet you weren't thinking about that when you went fishing. I bought sparklers for the fourth of July. He loves sparklers and now he's leaving and what are we gonna do for the fourth of July

Red: Uh. . . There's a car show in Kenosha

Kitty: (upset) A car show?! I don't want to go to a (bleep) car show! In (beep) Kenosha. I want three more (beep) months with my baby boy! And now there gone because of your bull (beep)! Way to go dumb-ass!

(Kitty exits through gate on the left side of the Forman house leaving red in shock)

(Eric's basement: enter Kelso and Hyde walking behind couch to stand there)

Kelso: (yells) Ahh! It feels good to be back. Just Kelso and Hyde! No chick can come between us. All right, So what do you want to do? We play air hockey, give Fez a wedgie? (thinking) Oh, my brother just got a new stereo. We can throw it off an overpass.

Hyde: Actually, I changed my mind, I'm gonna get Jackie back

(walks over to washer and dryer)

Kelso: What? Wait! What about our third grade pact

Hyde: Kelso, We also made a pact to invent a formula for invisibility but that fell through, too

Kelso: Because you gave up

Hyde: Look Kelso, I never felt this way about a girl before, okay? And that pretty much beats our third grade pact and I'm sorry, but I want to be with her

Kelso: But at the hospital you said I could have her

Hyde: That was when I didn't think I still had a shot with her

Kelso: Yeah, Well for your information, I still have a shot with her, She accepted my jellybeans

(Kelso walks away to go sit on chair by radio)

Hyde: I don't know what that means, but you can't have her. You closed the door

(Hyde walking to go sit in his normal chair)

Kelso: Well now I'm closing the door on you and once again I’m swallowing the keys and your locked inside and I'm gettin’ Jackie back

(Kelso sits on chair by radio)

Hyde: Well, Your gonna lose, Ha Ha

(Hyde sits in his normal chair)

Kelso: (crossing his arms) Yeah? Well, If by "lose" you mean "Win". Then your right I am gonna loose (unsure) Ha ha

(Fez enter angry and stands behind the couch)

Fez: Well, thanks a lot for getting me out of the police station you two Sons of two BITCHES!

Hyde: Fez, What happened?

Fez: Well I got arrested and they did a background check and found out that my student Visa Expires when I graduate from High school

Kelso: What?

Fez: Yeah, Now I have to leave the country after graduation, that’s in a week and I have to relearn my native language, Good day

Kelso: No, But Fez. ..

Fez: I Said (holds hand up and speaks foreign language and exits)

Hyde: Wait a go, If you hadn't fallen of the water tower we could have helped him out

(Hyde stands up to punch Kelso in the arm then walks by door)

Kelso: Ow!

(Kelso gets angry that he hits Hyde with his injured arm)

Kelso: Aahh!

Hyde: They should have x-rayed your head at the hospital

Kelso: They did! . . . And for your information they found nothing

(In Forman kitchen: At table Donna, in Kitty‘s usual chair, and Laurie, In Red‘s usual chair, Eric walking towards them, with two drinks in his hands, sits in his usual seat)

Eric: I can't believe our little Fez is going to be deported, God, I wish there was something we could do

Laurie: Maybe I could talk to the Mayor, He owes me one

Donna: Eric, We can't let this happen, If Fez goes back to his country with those pictures he took, my panties are gonna end up on a stamp

(Red enters walks up to Eric and Donna and places pop-tarts on the table)

Eric: Pop-tarts? Where's mom?

Red: She went fishing. Shut up and eat

(In Eric's basement, Fez sitting on table writing a letter)

Fez: (to himself out loud) Dear, President Jimmy Carter, The following is a list of reasons why I, Fez, should be allowed to stay in your great country: number one. . . I have never gone number one on your beautiful soil. Number two. . . I have never gone number two on your. . . Wait, scratch that. Number two. . . Fez is also a word for a hat. Uncle Sam wears a hat, coincidence, (to himself) yes. Three. . . where else am I going to live? France. . . (beep) France