Inn Escapable

I KNOW YOUR PLACE IS A BED AND BREAKFAST, BUT WHERE ARE WE AT WITH THE OTHER MEALS? INCLUDED? NOT INCLUDED? AWESOME. OH, I GOTTA GO. MY WIFE'S COMING DOWN, AND THIS TRIP IS A SURPRISE FOR HER. OK. BYE. HEY! THERE SHE IS. HEY. OH, NO NEED. I ALREADY POURED YOU A CUP OF COFFEE RIGHT HERE. AND GOT YOUR CEREAL OUT READY TO GO. GONNA HAVE A LITTLE CEREAL THERE? MMM, NAH. REALLY? IT'S SPECIALLY FORMULATED FOR WOMEN. I'VE HAD TWO BOWLS, AND ALREADY I'M FEELING BLOATED AND A LITTLE MOODY. HA HA HA. COME ON. FINE, I'LL HAVE SOME CEREAL. ALL RIGHT. THAT'S ALL YOUR HAVING? LET ME TOP YOU OFF HERE. THAT'S ALL RIGHT. THAT'S OK, IT'S GOOD CEREAL. HEY, REALLY, STOP. WHOA! WHAT IS THAT? THE SUGAR CREEK BED AND BREAKFAST? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? YEP. PACK YOUR BAGS, BABY, 'CAUSE THIS WEEKEND, I AM TAKING YOU TO A LITTLE, QUAINT RUSTIC INN BOASTING MOUNTAIN VIEWS AND SCENIC WALKS ALONG A ROMANTIC STREAM. YOU PLANNED A SURPRISE TRIP FOR US? YEP. AND IT'S NOT TO COOPERSTOWN? NOPE. ACTUALLY, IT'S NEAR COOPERSTOWN. BUT WE'RE BLOWING RIGHT PAST THAT. OK, NO-THIS WEEKEND'S ALL ABOUT DOUG, CARRIE, AND A LITTLE THING I LIKE TO CALL LOVE. HONEY, THAT IS SO SWEET. MMM! THANK YOU! THIS PLACE LOOKS GREAT! YEAH-THERE IS A LITTLE BIT OF BAD NEWS. SUGAR CREEK DOESN'T ACTUALLY HAVE ANY SUGAR IN IT. I CHECKED. WELL. DOUGLAS. DARLING. HEY, DAD, DOUG IS TAKING ME UPSTATE FOR THE WEEKEND. OH, WONDERFUL. I'LL DO MY BEST NOT TO DIE WHILE YOU SIP PINA COLADAS 'NEATH THE SWAYING PALM TREES. EITHER WAY, DON'T CALL. HMM. DAD, COME ON, YOU'LL HAVE THE HOUSE TO YOURSELF. PLUS, A PERFECT CHANCE TO DO TAl-CHI IN YOUR SHORTY KIMONO. ACTUALLY THERE'S A RATHER FETCHING WIDOW I MET AT THE SENIOR CENTER. SHE WINKED AT ME DURING THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE. OH. YOU WANT TO INVITE HER OVER? FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOUR MOTHER DIED WHEN WILL YOU LET ME MOVE ON?! HUH?! HUH?! LOOK AT THIS! OH, THIS IS GREAT. WOW. A LOT OF KITTY CATS. HEY, CHECK THIS OUT. MYRTLE- WELCOME, WELCOME. I'M BETTY CHAPIN, INNKEEPER. HI. CARRIE AND DOUG HEFFERNAN. BEAUTIFUL PLACE YOU HAVE. YEAH, EVERYTHING'S SO DAINTY. WELL, PEOPLE WERE A LOT SMALLER YOU KNOW WHY? NO ARBY'S. ARBY'S! HA HA HA! YOU GOTTA TELL THAT ONE TO MY HUSBAND ED. OK, SO LET'S GET YOU TWO SIGNED IN. OH, OK. I'LL SIGN IN. UH HOW DO I DO THIS HERE? I'M GUESSING IT'S- OH. UH IT'S OVER RIGHT IN HERE. EXCUSE ME-EXCUSE- I JUST NEED YOU- I JUST NEED YOU- NOW, JUST CAN YOU- DOUG HEFFER IS FINE. THAT'S FINE. THAT'S GOOD. WELL, YOU MUST BE TIRED FROM YOUR LONG DRIVE, SO LET'S GET YOU UP TO YOUR ROOM. OK. I PUT YOU IN NUMBER 7. I HOPE YOU LIKE ANTIQUE DOLLS. I DO, JUST AS LONG AS THEIR EYES CLOSE. PEOPLE WERE A LOT SMALLER A LONG TIME AGO. HERE WE ARE. HUH? HUH?! OH, IT'S ADORABLE. OH, LOOK! A FIREPLACE! ACTUALLY, WE HAD TO SEAL THAT UP. THE SQUIRRELS WOULD CRAWL IN THERE AND GET TRAPPED IN THE FLUE AND THEN, WELL BASICALLY, LIQUEFY. HERE'S YOUR BATHROOM. NOW, I MADE SURE YOU HAD PLENTY OF TOWELS. AND IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, I WOULD- OH! ED, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I TOLD YOU WE HAD GUESTS COMING. WELL, THEY'RE EARLY. WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST USE THE SHOWER DOWNSTAIRS? YOU KNOW THAT DOCTOR TOLD ME I'M SUPPOSED TO SOAK IT. WELL, JUST GET OUT. ALL RIGHT. MMM. ED SEEMED NICE. MM-HMM. AND CLEAN. YES. YEAH. SORRY ABOUT THAT. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THAT'S MY HUSBAND ED. AH! WELL, ANYHOO, DINNER'S AT 5:00, AND THEN OUT COME THE BOARD GAMES. I HOPE YOU TWO AREN'T SHY, BECAUSE ED AND ME PLAY A MEAN GAME OF BALDERDASH. BALDERDASH. THAT WASN'T EVEN IN THE BROCHURE. YOU DO LIKE IT HERE, RIGHT? YEAH. IT'S FINE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I LOVE YOU FOR THINKING OF IT. NOTHING I HAVEN'T SEEN BEFORE. THEN GENERAL PATTON TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "THAT'S THE BEST DAMN CUP OF COFFEE I EVER HAD. NOW, LET'S WIN THIS WAR. " OH, ARTHUR. I MEAN, WHAT AN - WHAT AN AMAZING LIFE YOU'VE LED. I GO WHERE THE STARS NEED ME. NOW, LET ME FRESHEN YOUR GRASSHOPPER. OH. WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME A MOMENT? HEY, ARTHUR HEY! WHAT YOU GOT GOING ON IN THERE, MY MAN? I BOUGHT HER DINNER. I'M GETTING HER LIQUORED UP. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING ON? ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR HAIR. LOOK, CARRIE SAID YOU NEEDED SOME MILK, SO FINE. ALL RIGHT. HEY PLAY ON, PLAYER. WHO WAS THAT? A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS. NOW THEY GIVE YOU MILK. LIKE THAT'S GONNA TURN ME AROUND. ARTHUR, IT'S- IT'S GETTING LATE. I THINK I SHOULD BE GOING. NO, NO. I WANT YOU TO HEAR ROBERT MITCHUM "SINGS CALYPSO. " IT'S POSITIVELY SAVAGE. OH. BUT WON'T YOUR CHILDREN BE HOME SOON? WHAT? CHILDREN? I LIVE ALONE. OH, WELL, J- JOSEPHINE TOLD ME THAT, UM THAT THIS HOUSE BELONGS TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND SON-IN-LAW. JOSEPHINE ALSO THINKS HER FISH STICKS TALK TO HER. HA HA. NO, NO. I- I LIVE ALONE. OH, WELL, I THINK I SHOULD BE GOING. UH, UH- PLEASE, ANNETTE, IT GETS SO LONELY IN THIS BIG, COMPLETELY-PAID-OFF HOUSE. AND YOUR LAUGHTER HAS MADE IT COME ALIVE. I DON'T WANT THAT TO END. OH, WELL THERE IS A MIDNIGHT BUS. SO, WHEN ARE THE REST OF THE GUESTS COMING DOWN? OH, YOU TWO ARE IT. FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND? MM-HMM. YEAH, IT'S BEEN LIKE THIS EVER SINCE THEY OPENED THAT DAMN HYATT. THERE'S A HYATT? YEAH, RIGHT OVER THERE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WOODS. IT'S A DISGRACE. THEY EVEN TORE DOWN THE SMELTING PLANT JUST TO ADD A LUXURY SPA. A SPA? WHAT'S UP? MARMALADE REALLY LIKES YOU, DOUG. HE DOES? IS THERE AN AREA WHERE HE EATS? OR, YOU KNOW YOU KNOW WHY MARMALADE LIKES HIM SO MUCH, DON'T YOU? WHO DOES DOUG LOOK JUST LIKE? I DON'T KNOW. YES, YOU DO. DOUG IS THE SPITTING IMAGE OF ED JUNIOR. WELL, THAT'S OUR SON. DOES ED JUNIOR HAVE THE SAME APPETITE THIS ONE'S GOT? WE DON'T TALK ABOUT ED JUNIOR. OK. WHEN HE WALKED OUT OF HERE 12 YEARS AGO, WE STOPPED HAVING A SON. ED! BETTY. ED! BETTY! WHAT'S UP WITH THAT LAST DRUMSTICK? OH. COMING RIGHT UP. IT'S NOT TOO DRY THEN? OH, IT'S DELICIOUS. OH. I'M SO RELIEVED. YOU KNOW, THIS TURKEY WAS STILL FROZEN THIS MORNING. SO, I HAD TO PUT IT IN THE TUB UPSTAIRS TO DEFROST. UGH! I AM STILL TASTING THAT TURKEY. I'M STILL TASTING ED. WELL, WE WE SHOULD PROBABLY HEAD DOWNSTAIRS. WHAT? WE GOT CHUTES AND LADDERS IN 5 MINUTES. CHUTES AND LADDERS? DOUG, THE ONLY LADDER I WANT TO SEE IS THE ONE THAT'S GETTING ME OUT THAT WINDOW. OH, COME- COME ON, SO WE HAD A LITTLE TUB TURKEY. ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY AND MOVE PAST IT. WHAT ARE YOU- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO STAY HERE? I WANTED THIS WHOLE WEEKEND TO BE GREAT FOR YOU. AND IT CAN BE GREAT, HONEY AT THE HYATT. DOUG, IS THAT YOU? YEAH, UH, FIRST OFF, JUST, I WANT- LOVE THAT PLACE! AND WE LOVE HAVING YOU. YEAH, ABOUT THAT YOU KNOW, I GOTTA TELL YOU, THE WAY BUSINESS HAS BEEN, ED AND ME THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA HAVE TO SHUT DOWN FOR SURE. AND THEN GOD HAS SENT US YOU AND CARRIE- OUR TWO ANGELS GIVING US HOPE. OK, come on. She's sleeping. Shh! Ooh! Ooh! Shh! Oh. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on! I have a splinter in a bad place. Crap! Their stupid truck is blocking us. HUH?! SOMEBODY OUT THERE?! Let's go. Let's just go. What about the car? We'll get a new one. How far is this place? I don't know. Just a little further this way. How much farther? I don't know. Would you just stop talking? What is wrong with you? SERIOUSLY, I NEED TWEEZERS AND A SMALL MIRROR. DOUG, COME ON. OH, WAIT A MINUTE. I SEE LIGHTS FROM THE HOTEL. COME ON. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? MARMALADE! THAT FREAKING CAT FOLLOWED YOU! HE THINKS I'M ED JUNIOR. MARMALADE! MARMALADE! OK, COME ON, LET'S GO. Oh, crap! OOF. I'M OK. CARRIE! MARMALADE! DOUG? FOUND HER. NICE GOING! YOU JUST EARNED YOURSELF A TURKEY SANDWICH. OH, GOOD MORNING, ARTHUR. OH, YOU'RE STILL HERE? I'M MAKING YOU SOME EGG BEATERS. HOW THOUGHTFUL. NOW, LET ME RETURN THE FAVOR BY ESCORTING YOU TO THE BUS. OH, I'M I'M IN NO RUSH. ANNETTE, NO ONE LOOKS FORWARD TO THE WALK OF SHAME, BUT THE SOONER, THE BETTER. OH. ARTHUR, I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU ASKED ME TO DO LAST NIGHT. AGAIN IT WAS MERELY A SUGGESTION. WE DID FINE WITHOUT IT. OH, NO, NO, NO. WHEN YOU-WHEN YOU SAID HOW LONELY YOU ARE IN THIS BIG HOUSE, AND YOU NEVER WANTED ME TO LEAVE. OH, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN THE CREME DE MENTHE TALKING. WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS YES. I'LL MOVE IN WITH YOU. I I- I I'M OVERWHELMED. LOOKING FOR SOMETHING, DOUG? OH. UH, NO, JUST CHECKING OUT YOUR LAWN DWARVES. UH WE WERE THINKING OF GETTING SOME. YOU HAPPY WITH 'EM? I GUESS. HERE'S YOUR TOAST, DOUG. OH, GREAT. NOW, ARE YOU SURE I CAN'T INTEREST YOU IN A NICE TURKEY OMELET? NO, I'M STICKING WITH THE TOAST. THANKS. MR. BOOTS, FOR THE LAST TIME, STAY OUT OF THE BUTTER! OH. SO CARRIE STILL HASN'T COME DOWN YET? UM, YEAH, SHE'S UH, YOU KNOW, PUTTING ON HER FACE. YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT TAKES. HA HA. WISH THIS ONE WOULD TAKE A LITTLE MORE TIME. SHE JUST ROLLS ON DOWN LOOKING LIKE HELL. GOOD MORNING! HI. I THOUGHT YOU WERE UPSTAIRS, DEAR. OH, UH YEAH, I JUST- I GOT UP EARLY, AND JUST WENT FOR A WALK. WELL, YOU'RE JUST IN TIME FOR BREAKFAST. OH, I JUST- I ALREADY HAD BREAKFAST. I, UH, I PICKED SOME SOME BERRIES. WOULD YOU GUYS EXCUSE ME PLEASE? WHY CAN'T YOU DRESS LIKE THAT TO PICK BERRIES? OK. WE CAN TEAR THE WALL OUT, GIVE YOU GRANITE COUNTERTOPS, A TILE BACKSPLASH, AND THE ISLAND YOU WANTED. AND I THINK WE CAN DO IT FOR UNDER 30,000. WHAT DO YOU THINK, ARTHUR? SOUNDS REASONABLE. UH, PETE, I WANT YOU TO COME LOOK AT THE LIVING ROOM. I'M THINKING WE SHOULD GUT THE WHOLE THING WHAT'S THAT BIG TARP DOING IN THE BACK YARD? APPARENTLY, WE'RE PUTTING IN A GAZEBO. WHAT?! OH, HELLO AGAIN! YEAH, HI. LOOK- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? ARTHUR, WHY DOES THIS MAN KEEP COMING OVER? TRUTH IS, HE'S MY PAROLE OFFICER. WHAT? I WOULDN'T BLAME YOU FOR WALKING AWAY RIGHT NOW. OH, NO, ARTHUR. EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES. I CAN TELL YOU'RE A GOOD MAN AT HEART. HE'S ALSO MY LOVER. IS THIS TRUE? YEAH, I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF. WELL, IT'S NOT IDEAL. JUST TRY AND MAKE SURE HE LEAVES THE HOUSE BEFORE I GET HOME. HEY, BABE, WHERE'S THE BIG SUITCASE? IT'S IN THE WOODS. WHY'D YOU LEAVE IT IN THE WOODS?! WHY'D YOU LEAVE ME IN THE WOODS?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA CATCH UP. I WAITED AND WAITED FOR YOU AT THE HOTEL. I WAS WORRIED SICK. WAIT, WHAT'S THAT INK ON YOUR HAND? OH, UM A PEN EXPLODED IN MY PURSE. IT'S A STAMP. IT SAYS "CLUB NEON. " OH, RIGHT, RIGHT. OH, OH! IT WAS A DISCO HA, IN THE HOTEL. YOU WENT DANCING?! WELL, DOUG, ONCE I KNEW YOU WEREN'T COMING, WHAT DID YOU WANT ME TO DO, STAY IN THAT BIG SUITE ALL BY MYSELF? YOU- YOU GOT A SUITE?! FINE, YOU KNOW, YEAH. YOU DESERVE A SUITE. AFTER A TOUGH NIGHT OF DANCING, YOU DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO A REGULAR ROOM. OH! HONEY, COME ON. WE CAN STILL HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND. OK, LOOK. I'LL GO DOWNSTAIRS AND MAKE UP SOME EXCUSE TO TO CAT LADY AND TUB BOY AND WE ARE OUT OF THIS DUMP AND INTO THE HYATT! ALL RIGHT? NO. NO. YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GO TO YOUR FANCY HOTEL. I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE WITH ED, BETTY, AND MARMALADE. YEAH, 'CAUSE THEY LIKE ME FOR WHO I AM, NOT WHERE I CAN TAKE THEM. THEY THINK I'M AN ANGEL. OK, THERE'S A HAM FLOATING IN THE BATHTUB. OH, MY GOD. ED. I'M HOME, POP.