Brain of the Future

EASY NOW, PINKY. EASY.

WHY THE EYEDROPPER, BRAIN? ARE YOUR EYES FEELING DRY AND IRRITATED?

IF THEY WERE, ONE DROP OF THIS SOLUTION WOULD SOLVE THAT PROBLEM AT THE MOLECULAR LEVEL BY CHEMICALLY DECONSTRUCTING MY ENTIRE HEAD.

OOH HOO, I'LL BET THAT TICKLES.

CONSIDERING THIS ACID WAS DESIGNED TO MELT MILITARY TANKS INTO PUDDLES OF VISCOUS FLUID, I SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT. OBSERVE.

HOW ARE WE GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD TONIGHT, BRAIN? OH, OH, I KNOW. WE'LL GET A REALLY HUGE EYEDROPPER AND SOAK UP ALL THE WATER IN THE WORLD, AND THEY'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO MAKE ANOTHER ESTHER WILLIAMS MUSICAL. OH, NO, BRAIN, DON'T DO IT. THINK OF POOR FERNANDO LAMAS ALL ALONE AND DRY.

FEAR NOT, PINKY, I SHAN'T INTERFERE WITH YOUR AQUATIC ENTERTAINMENTS. I HAVE SOMETHING A LITTLE LESS CINEMATIC IN MIND. TONIGHT, PINKY, WE WILL SNEAK INTO THE PRINTING PLANT OF COSMOS-POLITAN MAGAZINE AND REPLACE THEIR "WHO IS YOUR PERFECT MATE?" QUIZ WITH THIS "WHO IS YOUR PERFECT WORLD LEADER?" QUIZ FROM SPLIT ATOMS TO SPLIT ENDS, READERS WILL BE CONVINCED THAT MY GLOBAL RULE IS THE ANSWER TO THEIR EVERY PROBLEM.

POIT. OOH, I LOVE QUIZZES.

I HAVE A FONDNESS FOR THIS ONE MYSELF AFTER COUNTLESS HOURS OF TOIL CRAFTING THE CAREFULLY WORDED QUESTIONS.

AH, I WANT TO BE THE FIRST TO TAKE YOUR QUIZ, BRAIN. NARF! LET ME GET MY PENCIL.

PINKY, THE ACID!

OOPS. DID I DO THAT?

PINKY, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO PREPARE A CAMERA-READY MAGAZINE LAYOUT USING ONLY 3 CRAYONS AND A GLUE STICK?!

HARDER THAN REALLY OLD JELL-O?

INFINITELY HARDER, AS HARD AS IT WILL BE TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT TONIGHT WE SHALL NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

OH. WAIT A MINUTE. POIT. WHAT IF SOMEONE CAME INTO THE LAB RIGHT NOW AND SAID, "HERE IS A FOOLPROOF PLAN FOR TAKING OVER THE WORLD"? YOU KNOW, LITTLE ELVES OR SOMETHING. WHAT THEN?

SILENCE, PINKY, LEST YOU DISTURB MY ANTI-VIOLENCE MEDITATION.

NAAARRRF.

THIS IS HIGHLY ABOVE AVERAGE.

NARF.

LOOK, BRAIN, WHAT A HANDSOME LITTLE FELLOW.

HOO HOO HA HA HOO. WE MADE IT. HOO WHOO AAH!

GREETINGS FROM A POST-APOCALYPTIC FUTURE. WE HAVE TRAVELED BACK THROUGH TIME TO BRING YOU THE ANSWER TO ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS. WE ARE YOUR FUTURE SELVES.

EXCUSE ME, DID YOU SAY SELVES OR ELVES?

STOP HIM BEFORE HE SPEAKS AGAIN.

MY APOLOGIES. PLEASE CONTINUE.

CAN I SHOW US THE BOX NOW, BRAIN? CAN I PLEASE? ZORT.

I SEE THAT EVEN IN THE FUTURE, SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA. ALL RIGHT, PINKY, YOU MAY SHOW WITH YOUR HANDS, NOT YOUR MOUTH. UNDERSTAND?

MM-HMM.

BEHOLD. THE WORLD DOMINATION KIT.

[READING] HUH. WELL, HOW ABOUT THAT? IMPOSSIBLE.

PERHAPS IN TODAY'S WORLD, BUT WHAT IF YOU COULD TRAVEL TO THE YEAR 2 BILLION AD?

Choir: * AHHHHHH

IF I COULD-- [GULPS]

I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE PONDERING, AND YOU ARE CORRECT.

YOU MEAN, THIS PINKY AND I ARE GOING TO TAKE YOUR TIME MACHINE INTO THE FUTURE?

YES!

TO RETRIEVE A WORLD DOMINATION KIT FROM THE YEAR 2 BILLION AD?!

YES!

UM, POIT. SHOULDN'T YOU TELL THEM ABOUT THE QUEEN OF THE COCKROACHES?

NOT NOW, PINKY. MY PAST SELF IS ON THE PROVERBIAL ROLL.

AND HAVING SECURED THE KIT, WE SHALL RETURN TO THIS VERY MOMENT IN TIME. ONLY THEN, I SHALL BE YOU?

THE BRAIN OF THE FUTURE. TALKING TO ME...

THE BRAIN OF THE PAST.

YES, MY INGENIOUS BROTHER IN TIME.

YAY! OH, BUT NO, WAIT. NARF! IF WE'VE ALREADY GOT THE KIT THINGY HERE, THEN WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO INTO THE FUTURE TO GET IT?

UH, SO THAT WE CAN BE THEM WHEN WE COME BACK TO NOW.

OK, IF YOU'RE REALLY ME, THEN WHAT'S MY FAVORITE COLOR?

OOH, A QUIZ. OH, I LOVE QUIZZES.

AHH. ME, TOO.

NARF. HOO HOO HA HA HA! HOO HOO HA HA HA!

UM, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, YOUR FAVORITE COLOR IS, UM, POIT, SUNSHINY YELLOW.

[GASPS] EGAD! YOU ARE ME! ZORT!

THE CAPSULE HAS BEEN SET TO TAKE YOU TO THE CORRECT TIME AND PLACE. ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS HOP OUT, PROCURE THE KIT, AND RETURN TO THE PRESENT.

I UNDERSTAND. COME, PINKY, WE MUST EMBARK ON OUR JOURNEY THROUGH TIME. UH, PINKY?

[SCRATCHING] Both: OOH, OOH, OOH, RIGHT THERE. OH, YEAH. THAT'S GREAT.

PINKY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, I'M SCRATCHING THAT ITCH ON MY BACK THAT I CAN NEVER REACH.

ENOUGH OF YOUR HEDONISTIC INDULGENCES. THE FUTURE AWAITS.

AHH, OH, YEAH. WA-HOO! ZORT.

OH, THE FUTURE. DO THEY STILL HAVE SPAM IN THE YEAR 2 BILLION AD?

THE LESS YOU KNOW ABOUT THE FUTURE, THE BETTER. KNOWING TOO MUCH COULD CONCEIVABLY WARP THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM AND ERASE YOU FROM EXISTENCE.

UM, AND THAT WOULD BE BAD, RIGHT?

YES, THAT WOULD BE BAD.

BYE-BYE. POIT. DON'T FORGET TO WRITE. SO, UM, WHEN YOU COME BACK FROM THE FUTURE AND YOU'RE US, WE CAN GET POSTCARDS FROM YOU, TELLING YOU HOW WE, UM, US, HOW YOU, UM--

AHH, LOOK AT THE PRETTY BUTTONS. ZORT. THEY'RE ALL FLASHY-WASHY. HOO HOO HA.

PINKY, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO TOUCH ANY CONTROLS, NO MATTER HOW FLASHY-WASHY, SPARKLY-WARKLY, OR, UM,

FLICKERY-WICKERY?

OR FLICKERY-WICKERY. IN FACT, TOUCH ANY OF THESE BUTTONS, AND I'LL BE FORCED TO GIVE YOU A CONCUSSIONY-WUSSIONY. HERE. KEEP YOURSELF AMUSED.

POIT. OHH. A TOY OF THE FUTURE. HMM HMM HA HO. [GASPS]

Computer: SWITCHING TO MANUAL OVERRIDE. PLOTTING NEW DESTINATION.

PIERCING THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM. FASCINATING.

UM, BRAIN.

NOT NOW, PINKY. I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO START THIS THING.

[ENGINE WHIRRING]

Computer: DESTINATION SET FOR THE YEAR 3502 A.D.

PINKY, NO. WHAT DID YOU DO?

UM, I PLAYED WITH MY BALL.

Computer: PREPARE FOR TIME WARP.

[SLOWED DOWN] NOOO!

[SLOWED DOWN] NAAARF!

Reporter: JANUARY 12, 3502 A.D. IN AN EFFORT TO AVERT IMPENDING NUCLEAR ARMAGEDDON, CANADA'S VOLATILE PRIME MINISTER WARREN MAPLE-LEAF MEETS WITH BILL CLINTON, AMERICA'S FIRST 377TH TERM PRESIDENT.

NOW LISTEN HERE, NEIGHBOR, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIGN THIS HERE PEACE TREATY, AND WE'LL FORGET ALL ABOUT THAT NASTY NUCLEAR WAR STUFF.

THIS BETTER NOT BE AN AMERICAN TRICK, EH. UHH.

[PINKY AND THE BRAIN SCREAMING]

THAT MOUNTAIN'S GETTING REALLY BIG, BRAIN.

QUIET, PINKY. I'M PONDERING AS FAST AS I CAN.

HOO, THAT WAS FUN. DO IT AGAIN, BRAIN.

WHAT A GOOD IDEA, PINKY, AND JUST IN CASE WE SURVIVE, WE CAN FOLLOW IT UP WITH A JUMP OVER NIAGARA FALLS IN AN INNER TUBE.

UM, WE'VE GOT A MISSILE ON RADAR.

SIR, THE AMERICANS ARE ATTACKING. I REPEAT, THE AMERICANS ARE ATTACKING, EH.

WHAT? SO, YOU DARE LAUNCH AN ASSAULT ON THE GREAT WHITE NORTH?

HEY, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE THERE, FELLA.

RETURN FIRE. DESTROY THE AMERICANS, EH.

YOU THINK YOU CAN MESS WITH THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF LIKE THAT? I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S BOSS.

UH, EXCUSE ME, HILLARY, WE'VE GOT A SITUATION HERE.

I'M ON IT, BILL.

Computer: PLOTTING NEW DESTINATION.

THERE NOW. THESE CONTROLS AREN'T SO ENIGMATIC AFTER ALL.

DESTINATION SET FOR THE YEAR 2 BILLION A.D. PREPARE FOR TIME WARP.

The Brain:  FORTUNATELY, ASIDE FROM STARTLING A MOOSE AT THE CANADIAN BORDER, OUR PRESENCE IN THE 36th CENTURY HAS GONE VIRTUALLY UNNOTICED. THINK WHAT MIRACULOUS TRANSFORMATIONS EVOLUTION HAS IN STORE FOR US IN THE WORLD OF THE FUTURE.

Pinky: ARE WE GOING REALLY, REALLY, REALLY REALLY, REALLY, REALLY FAR INTO THE FUTURE, BRAIN?

TWO BILLION YEARS, PINKY. JUST IMAGINE.

UM, HOW MUCH MORE THAN 7 IS THAT?

ARGUABLY A LOT, MY MATHEMATICALLY CHALLENGED FRIEND. CONSIDERING MODERN CIVILIZATION DATES BACK A MERE 10,000 YEARS, ONE CAN SCARCELY IMAGINE THE CHANGES THAT COULD OCCUR IN 200,000 TIMES THAT LONG. LET ME PUT THIS IN TERMS THAT EVEN YOU CAN UNDERSTAND, PINKY. REMEMBER HOW MUCH THAT HAM SANDWICH CHANGED AFTER ONLY 2 WEEKS BEHIND THE REFRIGERATOR? OH, YOU MEAN THE ONE THAT TASTED LIKE SAUERKRAUT? I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT. YES. AFTER 2 BILLION YEARS BEHIND THE REFRIGERATOR, THAT SAME SANDWICH COULD EVOLVE INTO A LIFEFORM CAPABLE OF BUILDING CHURRO STANDS ON THE PLANETS OF DISTANT GALAXIES. NARF! OH, ALL THIS TALK OF FOOD IS MAKING ME HUNGRY, BRAIN, EH, BUT WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH TIME TRAVEL? PINKY, YOUR COMPLETE INABILITY TO GRASP THE SUBLIME IS DEEPLY SUBLIME IN AND OF ITSELF. OH, BRAIN, I LOVE IT WHEN YOU SAY THINGS ABOUT ME THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND. POIT. [CROWD CHATTERING] [LIKE ED SULLIVAN] LADIES, LADS, AND LARVAE, I PRESENT TO YOU OUR GLORIOUS LEADER, HER ROYAL MAJESTY, THE QUEEN OF THE COCKROACHES. [CROWD CHEERS] [LIKE ZSA ZSA GABOR] OH, THANK YOU, DAHLINGS. THANK YOU. YOU ARE SO WONDERFUL. TO HONOR YOU ON THIS, THE EVE OF YOUR UNIVERSAL CONQUEST, WE, YOUR LOYAL SUBJECTS, WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT YOU WITH THIS GIFT. [GASPS] OH, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. MY ABDOMEN IS NOT SO FAT! WHY DO YOU MAKE ME WITH MY ABDOMEN SO FAT?! I WILL CRUSH YOU ALL! YOU LOVE YOUR QUEEN, DON'T YOU, DAHLINGS? [BANG] [GASPS] BEHOLD OUR DESTINATION, PINKY, THE FUTURE. YAY! NOW YOU CAN BRING US IN FOR A PERFECT LANDING. I CAN? AAH! A GIANT BUG. WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? YAAH! Crowd: WHOA! YAAH! [SCREAMING] I HAVE A BULLETIN FROM THE FUTURE, PINKY. THEY HAVE NOT ABOLISHED PAIN. ZORT. HULP. YAH. OOF. SEIZE THEM! THEY DESTROYED MY BEAUTIFUL STATUE. BUT FIRST, TELL ME HONESTLY, DAHLINGS, DO YOU THINK MY ABDOMEN IS FAT? WELL, NARF, YOU'RE NO KATHIE LEE GIFFORD. TAKE THEM TO THE ROACH MOTEL! YOU KNOW, WE MAY BE PRISONERS, BRAIN, BUT AT LEAST THEY GAVE US THESE LOVELY BLUE SUITS. THE BLUE SUITS ARE RESERVED FOR THOSE CRIMINALS CONDEMNED TO THE SCREAMING DEATH. [GULPS] [GULPS] AH, YES, BUT IF YOU OBSERVE CLOSELY, YOU'LL NOTICE THAT WE ARE ACTUALLY WEARING THE INDIGO SUITS, WHICH, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, ARE RESERVED FOR THOSE CRIMINALS WHO ARE TO BE RELEASED ON THEIR OWN RECOGNIZANCE. POIT. I DON'T KNOW, BRAIN. THEY LOOK PRETTY BLUE TO ME. OHH. OOF. OHH, OOH, UH, AH, OOH. NARF. NOW, SILENCE, PINKY, WHILE I PLAN OUR ESCAPE. I'M AFRAID THAT SUCH AN ATTEMPT WOULD PROVE TO BE IN VAIN. WE HAVE BEEN HERE FOR OVER A MONTH NOW. ESCAPE IS IMPOSSIBLE. EGAD, IT'S US. ONLY, WE LOOK DIFFERENT SOMEHOW. YES. BEFORE TRAVELING TO THE FUTURE, WE ACCIDENTALLY TOOK A DETOUR TO THE YEAR 37 A. D., AND IN ORDER TO ESCAPE, WE HAD TO SNEAK ACROSS CALIGULA'S BANQUET TABLE DISGUISED AS FRUIT. BUT WE NEVER WENT TO 37 A. D. OH, YES, WE DID, RIGHT AFTER WE ALMOST GOT EATEN BY THAT BIG LIZARD. WHOO HOO. OOH, THAT WAS SCARY. SURELY YOU REMEMBER THE TYRANNOSAURUS IN THE YEAR NOW REMIND ME, WAS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER WE STARTLED THE MOOSE IN 3502 A. D. ? MOOSE? DON'T YOU MEAN THE DUCK IN 1400 B. C. ? [ALL GASP] YOU TWO, HER ROYAL HIGHNESS WISHES TO SEE YOU BEFORE YOUR EXECUTION. BEHOLD. HER MAJESTY, QUEEN OF THE COCKROACHES. WELCOME, DAHLINGS. JUST WHO EXACTLY ARE YOU, YOU CUTE LITTLE TEDDY BEARS? I AM THE BRAIN, AND THIS IS MY ASSOCIATE PINKY. WE ARE-- YOU ARE SPIES COME TO ASSASSINATE ME ON THE EVE OF MY UNIVERSAL CONQUEST! ACTUALLY, WE ARE LAB MICE FROM THE 20th CENTURY, TRAVELING THROUGH TIME AS PART OF AN UNPRECEDENTED SCHEME TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD. OH, YOU ARE SO CLEVER. PITIFUL MAMMAL! YOU ASPIRE TO TAKE OVER ONE WORLD. WELL, I WILL SOON BE RULER OF ALL WORLDS, THANKS TO MY WORLD DOMINATION KIT! OH, WE COCKROACHES ARE SO SUPERIOR. ALTHOUGH YOU ARE MUCH CUTER, AND YOU HAVE SUCH BEAUTIFUL EYES. WHY THE MEN ALWAYS GET THE BEAUTIFUL EYES? UM, ACTUALLY I BELIEVE MICE ARE SUPERIOR BECAUSE WE HAVE ONLY 2 ARMS. HA! I LAUGH AT YOUR RIDICULOUS BOAST. OH? THEN I OFFER THIS CHALLENGE. IF I CAN HOLD MORE THINGS IN MY 2 ARMS THAN BOTH OF YOUR GUARDS CAN HOLD TOGETHER WITH THEIR COMBINED 8, YOU MUST SET US FREE. I ACCEPT YOUR FOOLISH CHALLENGE, BUT IF YOU LOSE, DAHLINGS, IT'S THE SCREAMING DEATH FOR YOU. HA! I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOUR HOLDING ALL OF THIS. HERE, WHY DON'T YOU LET ME GET THAT WORLD DOMINATION KIT FOR YOU? THANKS. YEAH, JUST PUT IT ON TOP. NOW, PINKY, RUN. AAH. AAH. STOP THEM! GUARDS! [ALARM SOUNDING] LOOK, BRAIN, WE WENT THATAWAY. NEVER MIND US. I'M MORE CONCERNED ABOUT US. I'VE GOT TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DUPLICATE THE PHYSICS OF THAT TIME-TRAVEL CAPSULE SO THAT WE CAN BUILD SOME PRIMITIVE VERSION AND GET BACK TO THE 20th CENTURY. MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOOK AT ONE OF THESE, BRAIN. NOT NOW, PINKY. I--AHH. The Brain: YES! THANKS. GET YOUR OWN TIME CAPSULE. [GASPS] THIS ONE LOOKS LIKE OURS, BRAIN. I DON'T THINK SO, PINKY. I WANT TO RIDE SHOTGUN! LET'S TRY THIS ONE. I'M STARTING TO FEEL JUST LIKE TIA AND TAMARA. HA HA HA HA! MY HEAD HURTS, PINKY. [ALL GRUNTING] NAAARRRF. THIS IS HIGHLY ABOVE AVERAGE. WE MADE IT. HOO WHOO AAH! GREETINGS FROM A POST-APOCALYPTIC FUTURE. DID THAT OTHER FELLOW WHO LOOKS LIKE ME JUST PRESS THE PRETTY BUTTONS AGAIN? YES, PINKY, AND SO THE CYCLE OF DISASTER BEGINS ANEW. NARF! HOW NOSTALGIC. NOW, PINKY, WHERE DID YOU PUT THE WORLD DOMINATION KIT? LET ME SEE. OH, YES. WHEN I WENT TO TALK TO THE OTHER ME, I WANTED TO PUT THE KIT SOMEWHERE SAFE, SO I PUT IT BACK IN THE TIME CAPSULE. YOU WHAT? RRRRR. [GASPS] THEN WE'D BETTER START PREPARING FOR TOMORROW NIGHT. Many Pinkys: WHY? ZORT! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TOMORROW? THE SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY. Many Brains: TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD. THEY'RE DINKY THEY'RE PINKYS AND THE BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN