The Breakfast Bunch


 * Mr. Dickers: Well, well. It's 7:06 here in Los Angeles. That means that in Australia, it's yesterday! (pause) Or tomorrow.
 * Robbie: Y'know, in Australia, when you flush the toilet, the water swirls backwards.
 * Mr. Dickers: Put a sock in it, Afro! You clowns are gonna sit in here all day and think about why you're in detention! (Jade leans back and spits her gum in the air; Rex leans back and catches it in his mouth) Now, cellphones! Let's have 'em.
 * Beck: Why?
 * Mr. Dickers: Because in detention, there are no phone calls!
 * Beck: What about texting?
 * Mr. Dickers: NO.
 * Andre: E-mail?
 * Mr. Dickers: NO!!!
 * Tori: Can we play Grumpy Gerbils?
 * Cat: I love Grumpy Gerbils!
 * Robbie: I can't get past Level 23.
 * Mr. Dickers: ZIP IT, corn pie!
 * Jade: Can we have corn pie?
 * Mr. Dickers: SHUT UP! (brief pause) PHONES!!! (the gang all put their phones in the box) Now...i'm gonna put your box of phones right here! (puts them on top of the bookshelf. Tori then raises her hand) What, "princess"?
 * Tori: I was just wondering what the plan is for lunch.
 * Mr. Dickers: Well if you pre-turds get hungry, there's a big plate of tuna right here! (points to it)
 * Robbie: Um, technically, sir, if perishable foods aren't kept at either below 34 degrees or above 140 degrees-
 * Mr. Dickers: Pipe down, side salad! Eat the tuna or starve! I could care less!
 * Andre: I think you mean you couldn't care less.
 * Mr. Dickers: What's that?
 * Beck: You said you could care less.
 * Tori: Which implies that you do care, at least a little bit.
 * Mr. Dickers: I don't.
 * Beck: Well, then you should have said, you couldn't care less.
 * Robbie: But you did not.
 * Cat: Hey, what about the guy who first landed on the moon? He said "One small step for man."  I would've just said "Oh, my god, I'm on the moon!" (Beck smiles)
 * Mr. Dickers: Alright, not another word!
 * Jade: Word.
 * Mr. Dickers: That's it, West, you just bought yourself another Saturday detention.
 * Jade: Did I get a good deal on it?
 * Mr. Dickers: You just bought yourself another one! (Cat yelps and buries her head in her hood)
 * Jade: Okay, look, i'm sorry, I apologize.
 * Mr. Dickers: That's three! THREE Saturdays!
 * Tori: But she was apologizing!
 * Mr. Dickers: Okay, Vega, now you got one!
 * Tori: Why?
 * Mr. Dickers: Boom! Another one!
 * Tori: I don't want another one!
 * Mr. Dickers: That's three! You want to to try for four?
 * Tori: I really don't!
 * Mr. Dickers: That's four! You want five?
 * Jade: YES!!!!!!!!!!
 * Mr. Dickers: Okay, Vega, you just got five!
 * Tori: What?!
 * Cat: (silently) Tori, stop!
 * Tori: Stop what? Jade said yes!
 * Rex: I guess he's afraid to give one to Robbie. (Robbie covers Rex's mouth as Mr. Dickers comes to him)
 * Mr. Dickers: Oh, yeah? I got one for you, too, Fudge Sack! Anybody else? Huh? Anybody? (no one speaks) You mess with the cow...you get the udders! (Dickers leaves the library as the door closes)
 * Tori: FORGET YOU!!!




 * (Tori takes her taco)
 * Tori: Ooh, still warm.
 * Andre: Well, they were in Robbie's pants.
 * Beck: Can you not say that again?
 * Jade: Cat, you're not eating your taco.
 * Cat: (nervously) Yeah, it's 'cause I'm - I'm like - I'm too excited to eat it, you know. Tacos, yay! (the cheese from Cat's taco fell off)
 * Jade: VEGAN.
 * Cat: I am not.
 * Jade: Then eat your taco if you're not a vegan.




 * Beck: You know what I can go for in now?
 * Andre: Tacos?
 * Beck: How'd you know?
 * Andre: I felt you, dawg. (Beck smiles)
 * Tori: Tacos. Those are really good right now.
 * Jade: (while ripping paper) I'm down for tacos.
 * Robbie: (nervously) Yeah. I love tacos.
 * Jade: (about Cat) Look who's being real quiet.
 * Cat: I'm just not that hungry right now.
 * Jade: Yeah, why don't you tell everyone the truth?
 * Cat: Leave me alone.
 * Andre: What's going on here?
 * Jade: (goes to Cat) Our pristine little friend Cat has never had a taco.
 * Cat: I'm not that pristine. (pause) Wait, what's pristine mean?
 * Jade: (to Cat) Are you a vegan?
 * Beck: Knock it off, guys.
 * Rex: What's a vegan?
 * Robbie: It's a person who doesn't eat meat.
 * Rex: I love meat!
 * Robbie: Shhh!
 * Rex: Don't shush me!
 * Jade: C'mon, Cat, tell us. Have you ever had a crispy corn shell, filled with meat...lettuce...shredded cheese... (Jade glares at Cat)
 * (Tori comes over)
 * Tori: Hey! Leave her alone.
 * Jade: What are you gonna do if I don't?
 * Tori: Well, I might just go online, to the Slap, and unfriend you. (Cat gasps)
 * Jade: Oh, really?
 * Tori: Two clicks. One to unfriend you, and one to confirm that I really wanna unfriend you. (Jade glares at Tori)
 * Andre: Hey, c'mon, y'all, how we gonna get some tacos?
 * Tori: I could call Trina, ask her to pick some up and leave them in my locker.
 * Robbie: (crying) You're so conceited, Tori! You're so conceited!
 * Tori: (confused) What?




 * (the group is avoiding Mr. Dickers in the hall when they run into some wet floor signs)
 * Tori: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! The floor's wet.
 * Cat: We can't run across that, it's too dangerous!
 * Jade: Way to go, Tori. You just had to have your taco!
 * Robbie: We're dead...
 * Tori: No...just me. (stuffs the bag of tacos in Robbie's pants) You guys get back to the library.
 * Cat: What about you?
 * Tori: I'm gonna get Dickers' attention.
 * Beck: How?
 * Tori: (singing loud and off key while running and ripping posters) HERE I AM, ONCE AGAIN...FEELING LOST... (The screen cuts to Dickers turning suspicious and heading in the direction of the singing) YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID TO PUT YOUR DREAM IN ACTION, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA FADE YOU'LL BE THE MAIN ATTRACTION...IN MY VICTORY, JUST REMEMBER ME, WHEN I MAKE IT SHINE-(bumps into Dickers)
 * Mr. Dickers: Oh, ho ho. I'm gonna make it shine. I'm gonna make it shine REAL good!
 * Tori: Listen-
 * Mr. Dickers: Aaaaaahhhh, you're in big trouble, Vega.
 * Tori: For what?
 * Mr. Dickers: For leaving the library, skinny jeans! And singing off-key! Come on. (pulls Tori by the arm)
 * Tori: I was running and singing at the same time, that's-that's really hard!
 * Mr. Dickers: Oh, SHUT UP!




 * Tori: Are we gonna be just like our parents?
 * Jade: When you get old, your butt sags.
 * Beck: And you can't find your pants.
 * Andre: Sometimes, I feel so much pressure, y'know, with my music. My cousin J.J., he's always telling me, "You know, you gotta be the best. You gotta be number one! Number one!!!" And I wanna tell him "Hey, man, get off my chizz!" But he drives me to school, and I don't wanna blow my ride.
 * Tori: (raises hand) I have a weird talent.
 * Robbie: (crying) You're so conceited, Tori! You're so conceited!
 * Cat: What's your talent?
 * Jade: Yeah, let's see it. (everybody joins in)
 * Tori: Okay. Okay. I'll show you. (Tori starts pulling out her socks ) Can't believe I'm doing this.
 * (Tori gets a bow and arrow and uses it with her own feet and the arrow hits a poster. All of them start talking in amazement)
 * Jade: (sarcastically) That was amazing! You learn that from your daddy? Your daddy know how to shoot a bow and arrow with his foot?
 * Beck: (after a pause) I'm sorry, did I miss something?
 * Jade: Go on, shoot another arrow.
 * Tori: Shut up.
 * Jade: Oh, c'mon, show us what your daddy taught you about foot archery.
 * Tori: Shut up!
 * Jade: Because my dad can't do anything with his feet!
 * Tori: That is not my fault!
 * Andre: Stop it!!! As teenagers, we are all under too much pressure!!!
 * (after a brief pause, everybody starts laughing)
 * Cat: (as Robbie starts to tackle Tori) Robbie!
 * (while everybody is laughing, Robbie blows raspberries on Tori's stomach)




 * (Tori and the gang are leaving when they walk past a man in a panda suit holding a balloon)
 * Jade: See you next Saturday. (Beck salutes the panda. Tori waves at the panda, who gave Tori the balloon as they leave. The panda waves back.)




 * (after Mr. Dickers has caught Tori and pulled her into the janitor's closet)
 * Mr. Dickers: That's the last time, Vega. That's the last time you run around these halls singing about making things shine!




 * Tori: What are you guys talking about?
 * Robbie: Nothing, nothing!
 * Jade: Robbie's trying to tell me that sometimes you both crunch the corn shell together.




 * (closing letter)
 * Rex: Dear Mr. Dickers. Goodbye from all of us. A puppet...
 * Tori: A future popstar.
 * Andre: A musician.
 * Beck: An actor.
 * Robbie: A nerd with temporarily straight hair.
 * Jade: A girl who likes scissors...
 * Cat: And me!!!!
 * Rex: Cat, they can't see you, baby.
 * Cat: Oh...it's Cat, bye!
 * Rex: Sincerely, The Breakfast Bunch. Even though we never had breakfast as a bunch.




 * (Beck and Andre are straightening Robbie's hair)
 * Andre: You look a lot better without those black curls in your hair.
 * Robbie: Hey! I like black curls. (pause) So why are you guys being so nice to me?
 * Beck: Because you're letting us. (Andre, Beck and Robbie laugh. Robbie attempts to hug Beck backwards)




 * (Tori shows everyone the tacos she got in her locker)
 * Robbie: Tacos. The girl has tacos. (Tori leaves, followed by Andre, Beck and Jade) They're tacos. (Beck pats Robbie)
 * Robbie: (to Cat) Do you approve of this? (Cat doesn't speak)