It Happened One Nut

(opening theme song)

(at school - Mr. DeMartino's class)

Mr. DeMartino - All right. Here are the results of your career aptitude tests. Perhaps they'll help you avoid whiskey-soaked decades wondering what might have been if only you'd had the guts to follow your dream of a life at sea.

Daria - That's right, let it out.

Jane - Just make sure you clean up after.

Mr. DeMartino - My congratulations, Miss Lane. You've done it again.

Jane - Perfect record. I've gotten the same thing three years in a row.

Daria - Accountant?

Jane - That's what happens when you fill in the letter "C" for every answer. Gets the whole test over within five minutes.

Daria - You mean you didn't even try to answer the questions?

Jane - Questions? What questions? What did you get?

Daria - Let's see. (looks at sheet and frowns)

Jane - Don't worry about it. How much can they tell from a standardized test? I've had fortune cookies that were more accurate.

Kevin - Petroleum dispen... dispensation? Hey, I'm going to be an oil typhoon!

Brittany - Oh, Kevvy, that's great!

Mr. DeMartino - Sound it out, Kevin. This says you'll be pumping gas at a filling station.

Kevin - I'm going to be a gas jockey for the rest of my life?

Brittany - Eww!

Jane - Then again, sometimes these tests can be absolutely uncanny.

(at Daria's house)

Quinn - (clears throat) Does anyone notice anything special about me?

Daria - Yes. From just the right angle, I really can see through your head.

Helen - Daria, please. What are we supposed to notice, honey?

Quinn - My neck! I got my career aptitude test results at school today, and they said I have a future as a neck model for jewelry catalogues.

Daria - So your head would serve as sort of an accent piece.

Helen - I think it's wonderful that you're thinking about the future, Quinn, but you've got far more to offer than your neck.

Daria - Yes, what about the untapped potential of your shapely wrists?

Helen - Daria, did you take a career aptitude test?

Daria - I don't remember.

Helen - So I have to call the school to get your results.

Daria - If you so choose.

Helen - Or maybe I'll just drop by in person, bring you a surprise snack for your lunch box, pop into class and give it to you myself.

Daria - All right, all right. That's check and mate. (sighs heavily and hands paper to Helen)

Helen - A mortician?!

Daria - Hey, it's not my fault. Neck model was already taken.

Helen - "Your lack of interest in personal interaction makes you an ideal candidate for working with the dead." Daria, have you given any thought to your career plans?

Daria - I guess I'll just wait around for people to kick the bucket.

Helen - I can't believe you're not more ambitious.

Daria - You want me to kill people to drum up business?

Helen - Daria...

(Jake enters kitchen)

Quinn - Daddy, can I have some money for pictures of my neck?

Jake - Why, sure, honey! Pictures of your neck -- great idea! I'll just run down to the bank right now...

Helen - Jake! You're not giving Quinn any money.

Jake - Can I go to the bank, anyway?

Helen - Sit down, Jake.

Quinn - But I need $500 to put together a portfolio.

Helen - Quinn, if you want that kind of money, you can take a job and earn it.

Quinn - A job? But the stress could put wrinkles on my neck.

Helen - Tell me about it. And if Quinn's getting a job, Daria, you can get one, too. I want you to get an idea of what the working world is about so you can take an interest in your future.

Daria - And give up studying for the priesthood?

Helen - It says on this form that they have peer counseling at your school. Either you get a job, or you get some counseling to improve your people skills.

Daria - Well, I guess counseling would take up less of my time.

Quinn - Daddy, I don't have any work clothes. Can I have $500 for some new outfits?

Jake - Is that the doorbell?

(at school - social skills counselling room)

Daria - (surprised at seeing Tiffany) Oh.

Tiffany - You're that girl from Quinn's house.

Daria - Are you getting counseling, too?

Tiffany - (trance-like) I'm the counselor. It's volunteer work... to help the socially... challenged.

Daria - You're going to counsel me? Of course. It's some kind of cosmic payback for being too ironic. Okay. Is this going to take long?

Tiffany - (begins reading very slowly) "You... too... can learn to... make..."

Daria - Yes?

Tiffany - "... friends. Making... friends..."

Daria - Why don't I read that to myself? That way, we can both be out of here before we graduate.

Tiffany - "Making friends... is..."

Daria - (taps foot impatiently) Fun? Interesting? Impossible?

Tiffany - "... important. Friends can be... very..."

(clock ticks from 3:00 to 3:01)

Daria - Useful? Supportive? Purple? What?!

Tiffany - You made me lose my place. (grunts softly in frustration) Let's see... "Making friends... is... important..."

(at the mall)

Daria - Now they're making me look for a job.

Jane - I thought you said they gave you a choice.

Daria - It's been 24 hours since I met with Tiffany. As far as I know, she's still there counseling me.

Jane - So what kind of job are you thinking about?

Daria - The kind that's already been taken. They said I had to look for a job; they didn't say I had to find one.

Jane - Yeah, I don't even see any jobs available. (glances around at all the "help wanted" signs)

Daria - Well, no sense pushing our luck. Cheese fries?

Jane - Sounds good.

(at Daria's house)

Helen - Daria, how did the job hunt go?

Daria - It was really rough. I looked everywhere and couldn't find a single thing.

Helen - How can that be? Unemployment is at a record low.

Daria - That's the problem. Everybody's working and all the jobs are filled.

Quinn - (enters room) Guess what? I found a job at the first place I looked: the pet store in the mall.

Daria - Are you sure it's a job? Maybe they're just trying to find you a good home.

Quinn - And I've only got one night to coordinate my animal print nail polish. (leaves)

Helen - Daria, you're not dedicated to finding a job at all, are you?

Daria - On the contrary. I'm willing to spend as long as it takes: weeks, months, years...

Jake - (enters room) Hey, Daria! I got you job!

(at the nut stand)

Manager - Frankly, Daria, this is not what I consider an ideal situation.

Daria - That's funny, I'm in heaven.

Manager - Because your father consults for our national office, my regional manager asked me to give you a tryout. But quite honestly, I don't like nepotism, and I don't like cronyism.

Daria - Where do you stand on vandalism?

Manager - You get the same chance as everyone else: no more, no less. I need my workers to think, sleep, eat and breathe nuts! Only those who make it through my rigorous screening process are fit to represent my merchandise to the public.

Kevin - (enters room) Hey, hey, how's it going? I'm here to apply for a job.

Manager - Can you bag nuts?

Kevin - Sure!

Manager - You're hired.

Kevin - Cool! Hey, Daria.

(at the nut stand)

Manager - Each customer must be greeted with our trademark slogan: "Welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World. We're just nuts about nuts. Crunch nuts with your lunch. Buy them by the bunch. Send them to friends far away to munch." Now repeat that so I know you've learned it.

Daria - (simultaneously with Kevin) Welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World. We're just nuts about nuts.

Kevin - (simultaneously with Daria) Have some nuts. Crunch munch nuts. World of... nuts.

Manager - You almost had that. Try again, after me. "Welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World."

Kevin - Uh, like, welcome to Nuts World?

Manager - Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World.

Kevin - Uh, Nuts World, Nutty, Nutty, um... uh, Lunch?

Manager - No!

Kevin - Hey, don't worry. I'll get it right for the customers.

Manager - Just don't forget to smile. Remember our guarantee: "If we don't smile, the nuts are free." And those free nuts come out of your paychecks. So, c'mon, smile big, wide, let's seem them.

(Kevin flashes large grin; Daria smiles very briefly)

Manager - Let's take a break. (mumbles as he leaves)

Daria - Let me guess. This is your way of moving up from pumping gas.

Kevin - Yeah, I mean, that test was like a wake-up call. I got to think about the future. I need a serious job with, like, a serious career path.

Daria - (examines squirrel hat) This is serious, all right.

(at the pet store)

Mr. Matthews - You've got to take special care of the animals. Believe me, when you neglect them, they don't let you forget it. (points to his bandaged ear)

Quinn - Eww! Uh, Mr. Matthews, are you sure these animals are safe?

Mr. Matthews - Oh, sure they are. Wouldn't hurt a fly, not even Joanne.

Quinn - Joanne?

Mr. Matthews - My $1,000 prize boa constrictor.

Quinn - (sees snake) Aah! Don't you have any cuter animals here? Those are the ones I aspire to work with.

Mr. Matthews - I'll introduce you to everyone. Those are Maria and Pedro, my two iguanas. They need exactly three and a quarter teaspoons of water every 45 minutes. These are my canaries. Be sure not to breathe too hard on them. Travis, Mavis, Venus, Elvis, Chloris, Clovis and Posh. Got the names?

Quinn - Oh, yes.

Mr. Matthews - Great. Then come meet the goldfish.

(at the nut stand)

Manager - Okay, kids, let's do some business. Remember, no unauthorized personnel behind the counter. And most of all, smile, smile, smile, or the nuts are free. (leaves)

Kevin - Whoa, free nuts. (grabs handful of nuts and starts chewing)

Daria - Uh, Kevin, he meant for the customers.

Kevin - Huh?

(customer approaches)

Daria - Welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World. We're just nuts... about nuts. Crunch nuts with your lunch...

Customer #1 - Yeah, can I get a bag of pistachios?

Daria - Okay, hold on a second. (brief smile) There. (rings up sale)

Kevin - Wow, you did it! You sold a bag of nuts.

Daria - That's right, Kevin. I'm so happy you were here to share it with me.

(customer approaches)

Kevin - (around mouthfull of nuts) Hi! Welcome to Nutty World. (swallows) Hi, there. Welcome to Nutty World. We're just crunching our lunch and sending your nuts... uh, Daria, what comes next again?

Daria - Bankruptcy court?

Customer #2 - Can I get two pounds of almonds, please?

Kevin - Sure thing, ma'am. Hey, Daria, which ones were the almonds, again?

Daria - These. Right here. The ones with the sign that says "almonds" on them. That's the same word on the sign over there, with the picture of the almond on it.

Kevin - Oh, yeah, right, thanks. So where did you point again?

Customer #2 - I'd like my nuts, please.

Daria - Hang on. (rings up sale)

(at the pet store)

Quinn - Here, birdies, come get your birdseed. (opens cage and bird escapes) Oops.

Mr. Matthews - What was that? Did I hear you say "oops"? Oh, my God, I only see six canaries. Where's Travis?

Quinn - Um, a nice old lady just walked in and bought him. She, um, uh, brought her own cage.

Mr. Matthews - Fantastic! Keep up the good work, Quinn. (leaves)

Quinn - (sighs) Great! Now I'm a whole bird further away from my photos. (puts money in register)

(at the nut stand)

Kevin - Wow! That's your third sale. I thought you brains only knew about school stuff, but, like, you know how to sell nuts, too. Amazing.

Daria - Yes, Kevin. You'd be surprised how handy a command of basic literacy skills can be.

(Brittany approaches)

Brittany - Kevin, what are you doing? Angie told me she saw you here giving some lady a bag of nuts and smiling your head off. You know women can't resist your smiles.

Kevin - But, babe, I got to smile at everyone. It's part of my job. (smiles)

Brittany - Oh, Kevvy... it's just for the job, right?

Kevin - Sure, babe, I promise.

Brittany - Okay, but this sign says a smile. Just one. If I catch you giving more than one smile to a customer, you're quitting.

Daria - Now you're making me smile. (beat) Figuratively speaking.

(customer approaches)

Customer #3 - I need four pounds of walnuts.

Brittany - Do you think he's smiling at you because he wants to? He's not, you know. They're making him.

Customer #3 - Huh?

Kevin - World of Crunch Lunch Nuts. Munch the nutty, nutty?

(at Daria's house)

Helen - So how was the first day on the job?

Quinn - It went great. The animals love me.

Daria - I heard a canary got caught in the air filtration system at the mall. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?

Quinn - Stop making things up. Besides, it wasn't really my fault.

Jake - (sniffs) Hey, what's for dinner? Peanut butter sandwiches?

Quinn - That's Daria. She smells like peanuts from her stupid job.

Daria - I what? (sniffs) Oh, God. That explains those squirrels at the bus stop.

Helen - While we're on the subject, tell us about your job, Daria.

Daria - It went surprisingly well.

Helen - Really?

Daria - In fact, I doubt I can ever top today's performance. So I think I'll take early retirement, starting tomorrow.

Helen - No, you won't. You're not quitting until you spend enough time there to realize your future is nothing to take for granted, right, Jake?

Jake - Can we have our peanut butter sandwiches now?

(at Jane's house)

SSW Announcer - When aliens eat out, where do they relieve themselves? Extraterrestrial restaurant restrooms, tonight on Sick, Sad World.

Daria - It's even worse than school. You're trapped in a much tighter space, the rules are stupider, and Kevin's very close.

Jane - Should I come down and visit? Offer some moral support?

Daria - You've already seen me in enough humiliating situations.

Jane - So what would one more hurt? Misery loves company.

Daria - You don't have to tell me that. It's the basis of our whole friendship. (sighs) All right, you can come. But don't let anyone else know.

(Trent and Jesse enter)

Trent - Hey, Janey. Hey, Daria.

Daria - Mm, hey.

Trent - Didn't you make some coffee last week?

Jane - You look awful. What happened to you?

Trent - Jesse and I were up all night trying to write a new song, but we only ended up with one chord we like.

Jane - And which chord would that be?

Jesse - "A" minor seventh.

Trent - No, "A" diminished.

Jesse - I'll get another cramp!

Trent - (sniffs) Hey, that's weird. Suddenly, I'm in the mood for peanut brittle.

(at the nut stand)

Manager - Congratulations, Daria. Despite your $15 penalty for unsmiled nut sales, you're our first salesperson of the day.

Daria - I've always dreamt of the day my picture would hang in a nuthouse.

Manager - Well, if you expect to keep it there, you'll have to remember to smile.

(at the mall entrance)

Jane - Thanks for the ride. I'm off to, um, get some art supplies. See ya. (starts to leave)

Trent - Okay. See ya. (to Jesse) Let's go hit that new nut stand. I've been craving honey-roasted peanuts all day.

(Jane overhears and turns back)

Jane - Getting a snack? Yum! Let's go snack somewhere.

(at the pet store)

Quinn - Let's see, you could take little Puddie-Pie, or there's little Fifi, and this puppy over here is Snuggles.

Kid - (picks up and hugs puppy) I like this one.

Quinn - Oh, no, that's Bark. (takes puppy) See, he's my favorite. Why don't you take Fifi instead?

Kid - But I want the other one!

Woman - What's going on here?

Quinn - (sees snake cage is empty) Oh, no! Where's Joanne?!

Woman - Who's Joanne?

Quinn - Mr. Matthews said not to let the puppies' little paws touch the rough floor, so I put them on the lid from Joanne's cage.

Woman - Who's Joanne?

Quinn - How did she get over the side of the cage?! Don't boa constrictors have gravity?

(woman screams and runs out with kid)

(in the mall)

Jane - Come on, let's get some pizza, or tacos, or cheese sticks, or stuffed pitas, burgers, bagels, chicken fried BBQ buffalo wings? My treat.

Trent - Janey, I've been thinking about peanuts all day. I've got to get some. They've, like, hijacked my brain.

Jesse - "Moth to a flame."

Both - Hey...

Trent - "You've hijacked my brain."

Jesse - "Moth to a flame."

Trent - "If you don't release me..."

Jesse - "It'll really be lame."

Trent - No.

Jesse - "I'll forfeit the game."

Trent - Nah.

Jesse - "My soul's waves of grain."

Trent - I've heard that somewhere before.

Jane - You're driving me insane!

Trent - Too many syllables.

(at the nut stand)

Daria - (sees Trent, Jesse and Jane approaching) Oh, no. Cover for me, Kevin. I've got to take a break.

Kevin - Wait, where are you going?

Daria - Further into my personal hell. (goes into back room)

Jane - Hey! I just remembered! Big string give-away at the guitar store, this way.

Trent - "You've hijacked my brain..."

Jesse - "Moth to a flame."

Trent - "If you don't release me..."

Jesse - "I'll go just the same."

Both - (rhythmically) "Moth gonna fly, moth gonna fly, moth gonna fly from your love."

Jane - Hey, look! Monster trucks and naked models! Naked, naked, naked!

Trent - All right, second verse. "It's my personal hell, where I roast in my shell..."

Jesse - "Roast in my shell?"

Trent - Aw, man, I can't think straight till I get those peanuts.

Kevin - Hey, uh, welcome, nuts. Munch a bunch of your nutty friend's lunch.

Trent - Um... okay. I need some peanuts.

Kevin - Cool. Um, peanuts. Peanuts... (yells) Hey, Daria! Where do we keep the peanuts?

Trent - Daria?

Jane - Scrimmage injury.

Kevin - Daria? Hey, Daria! You know where the peanuts are, Daria?

Daria - (from back room) Try the peanut bin, you idiot.

Kevin - Can you come out and show me?

Daria - (from back room) No!

Trent - Um, you know what? I don't want any peanuts after all.

Jesse - But you said they hijacked your brain.

Trent - Well, now I think a burger has taken over my brain. What do you say?

Jesse - Cool. (Jesse and Trent leave)

Kevin - Hey, don't go! Come back! See you again at Nut, Nut, Nutty, Nutty Lunch World! (Jane goes behind counter) Hey, you can't go back there.

Jane - Yeah, I can. They changed the rules.

Kevin - Oh, cool.

Jane - (entering back room) Hey.

Daria - Welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World. We're just nuts about humiliation.

Jane - I tried to keep them away.

Daria - Nice job.

Jane - C'mon, you got a break coming up? I'll buy you some junk food. Something not in the nut family.

Daria - Yeah, that'll be nice. Let's go cruise the mall in case there's someone I know who hasn't seen me in my Nutty World uniform. I'll see you later.

Jane - Daria...

Daria - See you later.

(at Helen's office)

Helen - (answers phone) Mmm?

Jane - Mrs. Morgendorffer? This is Jane, Daria's friend.

Helen - Jane, do you need an attorney? I don't do criminal work but I'll get you someone. Don't say anything to anyone until we get over there.

Jane - No, no. I'm looking for Daria.

(split-screen between Jane and Helen)

Helen - Daria? Why are you calling here?

Jane - She told me she was going to talk to you about the way they're treating her at work.

Helen - Really?

Jane - They probably haven't let her off yet. I bet she's still in the back room, bagging nuts.

Helen - What?! In the back room? How is she going to improve her social skills there?

Jane - Yeah, that's the thing. She's the senior employee at the nut stand, and the most qualified, but for some reason her male co-worker is the one they've got behind the counter.

Helen - What?! I knew I shouldn't have trusted one of Jake's sleazy contacts. (groans in frustration)

(Jane hangs up and smirks)

(at the pet store)

Quinn - Listen, I need you guys to find a missing boa constrictor while I work up front. Don't worry, they don't bite. They just strangle.

Three J's - (simultaneously) I'll find it for you! No, no, I will! No, no, me!

Quinn - Mmm. (leaves)

Joey - How we gonna call the snake if we don't know its name?

Jeffy - You don't call a snake, stupid. You play one of those flute things.

Jamie - I don't know how to play the flute. Can't we put out some snake food or something?

Jeffy - What do they eat?

Joey - Hey, look! (lets gerbils out of cage) That ought to do it.

(at the nut stand)

Helen - Where's Daria?

Kevin - Uh, welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty, uh...

Helen - Oh, shut up. (goes into back room)

Kevin - You can go back there now. They changed the rules.

Daria - Mom?

Helen - What are you doing back here?

Daria - Working with filberts.

Helen - Oh, I see, you're in back doing the physical labor while that goon is up front networking. (drags Daria out of room)

Manager - Hey, what are you doing?

Helen - You can find someone else to bag your nuts, pal! (hands Daria's hat to manager) You're not exploiting my daughter anymore.

Manager - You can't take her away! She's my salesperson of the day!

Helen - I'm sure your valuable male counter help is more than qualified to cover for her. (leaves with Daria)

Kevin - Hey, Daria, wait! My apron is caught in the register again!

(manager begins sobbing)

Helen - The nerve of that sexist caveman to think he could get away with treating you that way.

Daria - It was awful, awful.

(Helen and Daria approach pet store)

(gerbils gather around Daria's feet)

Daria - Damn peanut smell.

Quinn - What are you doing here?! Can't you see I'm working?!

Joey - (screams) Get this thing off me, man! (runs off with Joanne coiled around his neck)

Mr. Matthews - (runs after Joey) Careful with her! She has sensitive scales!

(Jeffy and Jamie run off as they're attacked by animals)

Kevin - (as Brittany drags him away) I swear, babe, that wasn't a smile the second time!

(at school)

Jane - I can't believe it. Finally someone I know is attacked by animals, and I and my video camera are nowhere to be found.

Daria - I'm not sure if cute little furballs milling around your feet really constitutes an attack.

Jane - Hey, you don't know what they were thinking.

Daria - Well, now Kevin, Quinn and I are all out of a job -- which suits me fine.

(Quinn approaches)

Jane - What happened to you?

Quinn - It's Daria's fault! You got too close to me with your stupid nut shirt! You know I'm allergic to pistachio dye, and now I've got a rash! My neck modeling career is over! (runs off)

Daria - Hey.

Jane - What?

Daria - I think I just found job satisfaction.

(closing credits)