The Unbearable Like-Likeness of Gene

Hey, remember my fart from last night?

Be more specific.

Maybe this will ring a bell.

(fart noise)

Oh, yeah.

(farting "Yankee Doodle Dandy")

I taught it to love its country.

It's "Stankee Doodle Dandy."

(laughter)

Cool. Play something else.

Play "Happy Birthday"

'cause my birthday's coming up.

Play "Happy Stankee Birthday."

Do it. Do it.

It'll be funny. Do it.

Hey, Courtney, take a chill pill.

(gasping) Oh, my gosh.

Uh...

No, it's all right.

No, guys, guys.

I will take a chill pill, I will.

Because I have a congenital heart condition, and I take them every day.

I had shingles once.

I have a cut on my leg.

Those things aren't congenital.

(school bell ringing)

Show's over.

We got to get our congenitals to class.

(door bell dings)

Hi, Lin.

Hey, Gretchen.

Just came by to return this bottle of water you left at the salon.

When did I leave that there?

Two weeks ago.

Oh.

Hey, do you guys have a lost and found?

Yeah. Why?

What'd you lose?

15 pounds. Look at me.

Oh, yeah, you lost weight.

Good for you.

Wow, what's your secret, Gretchen?

I went on the Skin Deep diet.

You can only eat fruits and vegetable skins, and the weight just fell right off.

One time, I accidentally ate a banana peel, but I didn't look like you afterwards.

(laughter)

Whoa.

Humph, err...

Well, I got to run.

Hey, Gretchen.

Wow, you look great.

Did you lose weight?

Little bit. Look-- my tattoo's not stretched out anymore.

It almost looks like a regular dolphin.

Wow, yeah.

Look at my thigh tattoo, Bobby.

Oh, let me pull my shorts up here.

It's okay.

Okay. All right.

Bye, Gretchen.

Bye, everybody.

Bye.

You're perfect the way you are.

Don't lose one more pound.

I won't, probably.

I don't know.

(laughs)

Gretchen looks good, huh?

Yeah, I guess she looks all right.

Why is your eye twitching?

Because I'm very happy for her.

So what if she's the hot one now, and I'm the one with the muffin top.

Oh, come on, Lin, you look great.

I like your muffin top.

So you think I have a muffin top?

What?

No, no, I said... No.

I'm going on that diet, Bob, and when I'm done, I'm gonna look like Gretchen's skinny sister.

Gretchen's sister is skinny, Lin, but it's because she's on methamphetamines.

Whatever works, Teddy.

Don't judge!

(sucking, snorting)

If you guys are trying to cut the line, forget it.

Lenny's giving us backwards cuts.

Backwards cuts?

They found a loophole.

Hey, Gene, guess what?

What, Rupa?

I know someone who likes you.

Is it Lenny?

'Cause I want backwards cuts.

I think she means someone like-likes you.

Uh-huh.

Oh.

Is it the school nurse?

She said I was the perfect temperature.

Can't tell you.

It's a secret.

Aw, I guess we'll never know now.

Well, whoever she is, I hope she appreciates that I can do this.

Ah, ah, baa, baa, ba.

Dun dun da-dun-dun, baa-baa.

I don't get it.

Bop. Bop.

I try and try and he ends up with the secret crush.

Maybe don't try so hard, girlfriend.

Okay, I see your point.

Who do you think like-likes Gene?

"Puberty, puberty, puberty."

That's all I hear when you guys talk.

But we're his sisters.

What if we don't approve of her?

Oh, judging people.

Well, when you put it like that...

Bad hair, bad breath, bad attitude, eyes, nose, mouth, posture...

So, we know it's not Sarah, Wendy or Lizzie.

Maybe it's Julie?

Nah, she like-likes Lenny Destefano.

Geez, who isn't on the Lenny Destefano train.

It sold out even before it left the station.

Uh-huh.

What about Rupa?

Maybe she told us about the secret crush to throw us off her trail?

No. Rupa's not that smart.

She thought elbow macaroni was made of elbows.

Oh, (forced laugh) and that's not true.

Maybe it's someone we're not thinking of.

(both gasping)

Both: Courtney Wheeler!

(both screaming)

Hi, Gene.

I heard somebody like-likes you.

Do you know who it is?

Nope.

(screaming)

She's in your grade, and she thinks you're really cute.

And she has blond hair.

And she's looking right at you.

It's me!

(laughs, snorts)

Oh, boy.

(screaming)

So, do you like-like Courtney?

Do you want to go out with her?

(screaming)

Uh...

(screaming)

Uh...

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

You like-like her, right?

Yes.

Uh...

(screaming)

I guess?

(giggling, screaming)

Oh, my God, I can't believe he said yes, But he did.

You guys are going out.

Let's make it official.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(screaming)

Aw.

Uh, is this forever?

Oh right, I forgot.

Gene: Oh, no.

There it is.

It's all, eh, written down. (snorts)

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

All right.

Well, thank you.

Bog Harbor Catholic has an opening.

You'll just need to wear a skirt and go by the name Eugenia.

Louise, what are you talking about?

Gene's switching schools.

Gene, why do you want to switch schools?

(gasps) Are you being bullied?

Who's hurting my baby boy?

I wish I had a bully.

This is way worse.

Courtney Wheeler like-likes him.

Oh...!

Courtney asked Gene if he wanted to go out with her, and he said yes.

All right, Gene, you're on the board.

Way to go.

I hear dating bells.

So, who's Courtney?

Courtney Wheeler is the most annoying girl in my grade.

In school.

In the world.

Oh, well, what's so bad about her?

She talks too much, she breathes too loud, and she's always sucking on her necklace.

(slurping noises)

And her breath smells like sweat.

Yeah, and she talks on her phone when she goes to the bathroom.

It's confusing.

Courtney: Hey, how's it going?

Good. Thanks for asking.

I'm in the bathroom.

Where are you?

I'm in the bathroom, too.

I thought you knew that.

Sorry, hold on.

Some girl thinks I'm talking to her.

Oh, well get rid of her.

I'll wait here.

Gene, then why did you say you'd go out with her?

Her friends were staring at me!

I didn't want to be a jerk, Dad.

Well, you're not being a jerk if you don't like her.

Like-like her.

Like-like her.

Your father's right, Gene.

When did Mom start eating garbage?

These are potato peels.

I'm on the Skin Deep diet.

I'm only allowed to eat fruit and vegetable skins.

It's delicious.

You know, the longer you wait, the harder it's gonna be to tell her how you really feel.

Oh, yeah?

When are you gonna tell Mom how you really feel?

Linda: Huh? Huh?

What'd he say?

Hi, Gene.

Hi, Courtney.

Both: Aww. So cute.

We're walking into school together.

'Cause, you know, now we're going out.

Take my hand.

You should know when you hold hands with me, you hold hands with everything I've ever eaten.

I don't care if they're sticky.

Just makes them harder to pull apart.

(anxious whimpering)

Both: So cute.

Unbelievable.

You guys, we're going in.

Yech!

Do you know where to hit me on my head to give me amnesia?

Right here. Who am I?

Tina, try again.

Who am I?

Tina, try again.

Who am I?

Tina, harder!

♪ We go together like rama-lama-lama ♪ ♪ Ka-ding-ka-dingy-dong ♪ ♪ Remembered forever ♪ ♪ As shoo-bop-shoo-wada-wada ♪ ♪ Yipidy-boom-di-boom ♪ ♪ Chang-chang, changity-chang-shoo-bop ♪ ♪ That's the way it should be ♪ ♪ Wah-ooh.... yeah! ♪

Both: Aww.

♪ We're one of a kind ♪

Yech!

♪ Like dip-di-dip-di-dip ♪ ♪ Doo-wop-a-dooby-doo ♪ ♪ Our names are signed ♪ ♪ Boogity-boogity-boogity ♪ ♪ Shooby-doo-wop-shoo-bop ♪ ♪ Chang-chang, changity... ♪

(Linda munching, TV playing)

Mom, a whole cantaloupe skin?

You sure?

I earned it.

All I had for breakfast was kiwi fuzz.

It was like licking your father's back. Ugh.

Thanks, Lin.

What?

Gene, let me get this straight.

I'm driving you on a date with a girl who you don't like and should've broken up with by now?

Like-like.

Tina, I know.

Actually, it's a double date.

Julie and Lenny Destefano are coming.

Julie better not get too attached to Lenny.

That is one stallion that won't be broken.

Here, Dad, you'll probably need ear plugs.

And if those aren't enough, hit yourself over the head with this.

I'm sure she's not that bad, Louise.

Hmm... she kind of is.

Ehh... you would be wrong.

Prepare to be surprised.

Dad, take it, take it.

I don't even need it back, just take it.

Good-bye.

All right, well, good luck finding a drive-thru hammer store.

(giggles, snorts)

Kick, kick, kick.

Courtney, will you stop kicking the seat?

I'm not kicking. Kick.

Really?

I can feel it.

And you're saying kick.

No. It's not me. Kick.

Well, Julie's too far away.

And it's not Lenny.

Not me, Mr. B.

Oh, I know, Lenny.

Maybe you're just imagining it. Kick.

Did you feel that?

Yes.

Kick.

How about that?

Courtney, please.

Courtney can't control her legs because she has a congenital heart condition.

What do those things have to do with each other?

What does anything have to do with each other? (grunts)

Oh, my God.

(whispering): Gene.

What?

She's so annoying.

I know.

You have to break up with her.

I know.

Get back in the car.

We can drive away.

Seriously?

I think so.

Forget it, forget it.

It's too late. Here she comes.

I don't know how to break up with her, Dad.

Just.... Oh hi, Courtney.

We were just talking.

Just chatting.

Come on, Gene, let's go, come on!

I just want to finish these chats with Dad.

Dad, I just want to chat with you some more.

We have to go get seats in the back row 'cause people complain about the way I chew for some reason.

Gene, I'm so sorry.

I want to break up with Courtney, but it's so hard.

My life is more difficult than anyone else's on the planet, and, yes, I'm including starving children, so don't ask.

Why don't we practice?

Tina, you be Courtney.

Gene, break up with her.

Go ahead, you can do it.

Courtney, I think we should break up.

Oh, okay.

Please don't be sad.

No, I get it.

It's fine.

It wouldn't have worked anyway.

This is so hard!

Can't I just wait till we go to different colleges and lose touch?

You're doing good.

You're doing good.

Come on, try it with me.

Courtney, I think we should break up.

What?! You'll never break up with me!

I will kill you first!

(screams) Forget it.

I'm not doing it.

Yes, you are. Again!

Courtney, I think we should break up.

Nooooo!

Again!

I think we should break up.

(screaming)

Courtney, I think we should break up.

I understand.

Again.

Courtney, I think we should break up.

You're ready.

(muttering): I think we should break up.

I think we should break up.

I think we should break up.

We don't want any.

Okay, bye.

Hold on, wait a second.

I'm kidding.

That was a joke.

What can I do for you?

Is Courtney home?

Who's asking?

I'm Gene.

Oh, so you're the famous Gene.

Come on in, famous Gene.

Uh... okay.

Courtney!

Hold on, I'm yell...

You got to yell up the stairs.

She can't hear me.

Gene's down here, Court!

I'm taking my pill, Daddy.

Tell him I'll be down in a second.

Okay, she's taking her pill.

She's gonna be down...

You probably heard that, didn't you?

Follow me.

Whoa!

("Halleluiah Chorus" playing)

Where did you get all this stuff?

Did your parents buy it for you?

(chuckles) Yup, they did.

(moaning with pleasure)

You like that?

Uh-huh.

Go ahead. Go nuts.

(drums playing)

Why do you have all this?

Are you Moby?

(chuckling): No.

I'm not Moby, but I am in the music business.

I'm in the music business!

Is that right?

Well, I write jingles.

Right now, I'm working on one for Pips potato chips.

♪ Pop in a Pips--

Pop! potato chips ♪

Crunch!

That's beautiful.

I've never met a real artist before.

Well, Gene, now that you're Courtney's new friend, you got an all-access pass to gear heaven!

Oh, my God!

Gear heaven!

(moaning with pleasure)

(synthesizers playing various sounds and notes)

Whee!

Eeh, eeh, eeh, eeh...

Whoop, whoop, whoop, wah, wah...

Hey, Gene.

Moby?!

Hey, Gene...

Gene!

What'd you come over here to tell me?

Um, well...

(explosion booms)

Ooh! Explosion!

(sucking)

Uh...

(synthesizer making various sounds)

What is it?

I just wanted to tell you that I like-like-like you!

Wha-wha-really?

(gasping): Oh, my God!

(breathy giggle)

(humming upbeat melody)

Daddy...

♪ Gene and Courtney sitting in a tree... ♪

S-I-T-T-I-N-G!

(laughing)

I can make this work!

(TV playing)

He's back.

Did you break up with Courtney?

No! Better!

What could be better than that?

I met her cool dad.

Oh, you weak idiot!

Louise, stop it.

Seriously, Gene, what's wrong with you?

Courtney's dad writes jingles.

Remember Pawsage's Cat Sausages?

Oh, yeah!

I remember that.

♪ Pawsages are pawsitively purrfect! Meow! ♪

(stomach growls)

Ooh! That just made me hungry.

God, Linda, just eat something.

No!

Courtney's having a birthday party this weekend, and great news--

I got us all on the list.

Ooh! We're on the list!

(stomach growls)

That's right, tummy. You're coming, too.

(stomach growls)

What's that, tummy?

No, you can't have ice cream.

Count me out.

Fine! Then you'll miss my performance.

What performance?

I'm gonna write a jingle and sing it at the party.

When Doug hears it, he's gonna give me a record deal!

A jingle deal.

Her dad isn't gonna give you a record deal, Gene.

Yes, he is!

You can't keep going out with Courtney, just because of her dad.

Yeah, you don't even like-like her.

No, I think I might like-like her now.

No, you don't.

Nah, you don't, honey.

Why don't you try speaking in words, instead of your damn dirty lies!

Seriously!

I think I do!

When I shut my eyes and cover my ears, I feel like I maybe could spend the rest of my life with her.

Aw...

I mean, "oh."

Where's Gene?

Oh, he's at Courtney's, hitting on her dad.

Hey, Lin, can you check the burgers on the grill for me?

I can't be around food right now, Bob.

You do realize you work in a restaurant, right?

Don't say restaurant; it makes me hungry.

You okay, Linda?

Mom's cranky because she's only had fruit and vegetable skins for three days.

Is your name Linda?

I don't think so!

Whoa.

I'm sorry, honey.

Come here; I'm sorry.

(moaning)

Come here.

Come hug Mommy!

Okay.

Mommy hug.

(sniffing)

Mm! Did you use that cocoa butter shampoo?

Yeah.

(stomach growling)

(moaning): Bu... bu... bu...

Butter... butter...

Lin... Lin...

(muffled): What? What?

Stop eating Tina's hair.

(gagging)

Dad, I made up a jingle for you.

You want to hear it?

Not really.

♪ Have a feast for your face ♪ ♪ Have a burger at Bald Bob's! ♪

It was pretty good, up until you said Bald Bob.

Doug says when you write a jingle, use alliteration.

Oh, thanks for the lesson, Professor Jingleberry.

(chuckles) Good one.

I've got one for you, too, Mort.

♪ If you got yourself a stiff ♪ ♪ Don't dump it in a ditch ♪ ♪ Take your corpse to Mort! ♪

That's me!

That was really good.

How about this one?

♪ Told you to break up with Courtney ♪ ♪ And you didn't listen ♪ ♪ And now you're stuck with her forever ♪ ♪ So suck it! ♪

That's not very catchy, but we'll work on it.

♪ It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday... ♪

(high-pitched): I feel light-headed.

I'm not feeling anything.

I think somebody stepped on this batch.

Cake, anyone?

Not for me, I'm on a diet.

Bob! Bob!

Take a piece of cake!

I don't want cake.

Just take a piece.

I want to look at it, up-close.

Fine.

Oh, icing's like cake skin, right?

What?!

(smacking, moaning)

Lin, get ahold of yourself.

(moaning continues)

Okay, I'm walking away from you now.

So, Bob, I hear you're a burger man.

Yep. Gene mentioned that you write jingles.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

I'm afraid to say yes.

(humming rhythmic melody)

♪ Blazin' beef and big old buns ♪ ♪ Bun, bun, bun, bun-bun, bun-bun ♪ ♪ Bun, bun! ♪

Well, nice meeting you.

Courtney: Attention, everybody.

Look at me!

Birthday girl talking!

Come on, everyone!

They make a cute couple, huh?

They certainly are standing next to each other.

Mr. Belcher!

I said attention!

He talked first, so...

Well, he asked me a question.

No... I didn't.

Well, you did, too.

Um, okay, anyway, Gene's written a love jingle about me, and he's gonna perform it now.

This is more of an extended jingle jam/demo reel.

I call it "Silent Love."

(laughs)

♪ When I close my eyes and I cover my ears ♪ ♪ It's almost like you aren't here ♪ ♪ It's a silent love-- shh! ♪

Silent love!

Shh!

(quietly): Silent love.

No, seriously-- shh!

Talkin' 'bout silent love!

Stop singing!

All the ladies in the house now: silent love!

Silent love?

(grunts)

Gene!

I have to do the fellas in the house!

You can't do the ladies and not do the fellas!

Just be quiet!

Let me sing!

No! It's not a duet!

♪ Silent love... it's a silent... ♪

You are so annoying!

What?

Just stop singing!

Stop talking!

Stop breathing!

(everyone gasps)

(Courtney gasps)

(siren wails, fades into distance)

Do you think I've ruined her birthday?

Nah.

(groans)

You were right, Dad.

I should've broken up with Courtney a long time ago.

Now I've killed her.

You didn't kill Courtney, Gene.

Yeah, honey, she'll be okay.

Probably.

Look at the bright side: You'll never have to go out with any girls again, because they all hate you.

They hate me, Doug hates me...

Lenny hates you.

My career is ruined.

Gene, Doug wasn't gonna give you a record deal.

He doesn't even give out record deals.

He doesn't have that power.

Yes, he does!

No, he doesn't.

You don't know anything about the music business.

(high-pitched): Look, the doctor's coming over.

Tina, are you still doing helium?

No...

Tina!

I like it.

Give me some.

Doctor: Gene... would you like to see her now?

Uh, I'm good.

Now's the time.

Dad, what do I say to her?

(high-pitched): Just make light small talk.

Yeah, cheer her up.

Make some fart noises, huh?

I don't think I have it in me.

(farting sound)

Oh! I do!

There he is.

(monitor beeping, Courtney snoring)

Gene, is that you?

Yes.

(whimpers weakly)

P... Put my necklace in my mouth?

(groans)

(sucks, moans with pleasure)

Did you really mean those things that you said?

No!

Well, a little bit.

I'm sorry.

So, you don't like-like me?

No, but... I like things about you.

Like your dad and his stuff.

(groans weakly)

You were using me.

I prefer the term "networking."

Gene, if you're gonna break up with me, break up with me.

I can take it.

(snorting)

(sighing)

Courtney, I think we should break up.

(gasps)

(steady flatline beep)

Oh, my God! Courtney!

Doctor, do something!

There's nothing we can do.

You broke her heart.

(gasps) Psych!

(laughter)

Way to go, Courtney.

You're okay?

Yeah.

Did you fake this whole thing?

No.

The palpitations were real, but we stabilized her.

Thanks, Dr. Chegler.

Oh, you're welcome.

You should've seen your face.

Did you see his face?

It was very funny.

You scared me!

I think you kind of deserved it, after what you did to me.

I guess you're right.

It's okay.

I'll forgive you.

If you get Peter Pescadero to go out with me.

Peter's got partial hearing loss.

It's a perfect match.

And if you clean my bedpan.

(sighs heavily)

Fair enough.

Doug, can I still visit you in gear heaven?

Nope. Not a chance in gear hell, Gene.

Okeydokey.

What the hell?

I didn't lose a thing!

You're wearing clothes; that adds a little weight.

You're right.

Oh, he's so smart.

Yeah.

Lin, no... no, no...

Linda, stop.

Lin, you can't take off your clothes here!

Bob, I need an accurate number!

Lin, this diet is making you crazy.

Just take it off...

You don't even need to be on it.

You look great.

What about my muffin top?

You know who doesn't have a muffin top?

People who go to the gym all the time, and who don't have kids.

Don't blame us, fatty!

Lookin' good!

Aw! Horny little grandpa.

Thanks, horny little grandpa!

Well, I learned my lesson.

Never date someone you don't like-like.

Even if it means losing out on a record deal.

That's my boy.

Gene, why are you holding a bedpan?

The doctor said I could have it.

I'm never using a toilet again!

(Bob groans)

Ooh, mashed potatoes.

Lin, where are you going?

Lin (grunting): Hey, come back here!

Oh, yeah, now I see her muffin top.

Linda: Give me that!

(over TV): ♪ When I close my eyes and I cover my ears ♪

Hmm?

♪ It's almost like you aren't here ♪ ♪ It's Silent Muffler-- shh! ♪

That's my song! That's my song!

Doug!