Alex in the Middle

''And that's when the great Chinese wizard Li first used dragon scales to build an impenetrable box for safeguarding one's wand. And then in the 12th century, there were nine native--'' Time. You're supposed to keep your oral reports under 45 minutes. Otherwise, you start losing people. Okay, Alex, you're up. - Alex? - Oh, yeah. Your report on crystal balls: history, usage, and manufacturing. Crystal balls: usage and manufacturing. Oh, l did mine on how to use the really little ones for earrings. Cute, huh? End of report. You'll try it again tomorrow. - Max, you're up. - Okay. Cauldrons: proper use and maintenance. How did all these people get in my room? - Oh, Uncle Kelbo. - Uncle Kelbo. Hello, future voters. Sorry for dropping in unexpectedly. Wanted to see my niece and nephews. Kelbo, what did l say about poofing in when you visit? Oh, right, right, right. lt sets off the smoke alarms. So, what are you guys up to? We're doing boring oral reports without magic. You know you're wizards, right? Well, lots of times, Dad wants us to study magic without actually using magic. Well, that's because he can't do magic. You know what l say. Those who can't take hamburger and turn it into delicious filet mignon, teach. Okay, fine. l didn't become the family wizard. But the things l can do with plain hamburger will blow your mind. He puts cheese in the meat. Hey, l've had many, many, many of his inside-out cheeseburgers. Tell me about it. So, what are you working on? Oh, well, l'm doing a report on the great Chinese wizard Li. Chinese wizard Li? He's in my fave five. He'll come here, he'll teach you all about his life. He'll do anything to get away from his witch of a wife, okay? By the way, his wife, she really is a witch. Li, baby, how's that wife of yours? Look, l would appreciate it if l could teach them my way. Yeah, you're right. - No more distractions. - Thank you. - Oh, l've got presents. - Oh, presents. Justin, l got you some opera gum. Oh, sweet. What's it do? lt's opera gum. Try singing. - l think l'll save that for the talent show. - Great. Max, for you, l've got the leprechaun answer blower. Ask it a question, blow a bubble, bubble pops, there's your answer. - Give it a drive. - Awesome. Come on, baby. What are the answers to my social studies test? Yes-or-no questions only. But l love that you think big. And for my favourite niece who l love. l have for you an Emoto-scope. Okay. Look through it, you'll see how people are really feeling. Oh, cool. l've always wanted one. Wow, either you're really excited or your underwear is on too tight. And Max has no idea what's going on. Big shocker. Wow, you're mad inside and out. Because no one wants to finish the wizard lesson. He's right. Who wants to go the zoo? - The zoo? - The zoo? Let me rephrase that. Who wants to go to the zoo as a monkey? - You're gonna turn into a monkey? - All of us are gonna be monkeys. Sorry, Kelbo. We frown on random uses of magic. Okay. Let's talk about it. l-- Great conversation. Where are they? You know, the burgers are almost done. Kelbo does this every time. Jerry, they're out having fun with their uncle. lt's a good thing. Do you really trust him to watch our children? No. But l trust our children to watch him. - We had so much fun at the zoo. - Oh, yeah? l didn't even turn them into monkeys, just like you asked. Oh, good. So then those aren't monkey tails. Chocolate? Oh, man, l wanted to find out some stuff with my leprechaun answer blower. Oh, hey, let me ask it a question. Who is my secret admirer? l've been getting notes in my locker every Wednesday for the past three weeks. Oh, you can't ask it that. lt only answers yes, no or l don't know. ls it Cathy Antinocci? ls it Corrie Montanio? There's, like, 300 girls in my class. This might take a while. Okay. But just don't suck in, because the answer juice tastes nasty. Well, l'm glad you're back in time to watch the basketball game, honey. Dad, l don't wanna watch basketball. Basketball? l got tickets tonight for the basketball game, up in the wizard luxury box. You wanna go, Alex? - What--? The wizard luxury box? - Yeah. The wizard luxury box. You know the scoreboard over centre court? The wizard luxury box is in that. That sounds amazing. l have to see it. Dad, can l go? Wait. You don't wanna watch the game with me but now that Kelbo is gonna take you to some fantastic wizard box, you wanna? Well, but l don't think you'll be able to, because your mother has a lot of stuff for you to do around the house. No, l don't. Of course, she should go. Sounds like a great way to spend some time with your uncle. Great. We gotta get going, because we gotta beat wizard traffic. - Oh, wait. Let me get my sweater. - You're a wizard. Thanks for reminding me. Cashemerus-appearus Soft. - Hey, that's my sweater. - Oh, l'm sorry, Mom. Let's talk about it. Great conversation. So we're in the scoreboard and we can see everything and everybody and they can't see us at all? Yeah. That's the beauty of the wizard box. Except it's got one drawback. - Time out on the floor. - Cover your ears. We're trying to get that removed. So tell me more about this whole secret admirer thing with your brother. - You're the secret admirer. - Yeah. For the last three weeks, l've been dropping notes in his locker saying that he's cute and sweet, and a bunch of other stuff he's totally not. - You won't tell Dad, right? - Of course not. lt's a classic gag. l got a finish for you. Here's what you do. You get yourself a genie, all right? Dress your genie up like his secret admirer. The minute he spots the genie, you capture his soul, put it in a lamp. l love that one. l wasn't gonna go that far. Well, you're young. You got a lot to learn. - And l bet you could teach me a lot. - Of course l could. - Really? - Yeah. You have so much more fun with magic than Dad does. Okay. Here's a good one. Hold your head like this. Cranium revolvus l love that. l can't wait for our next school assembly. - And that's the half. - Cover your ears. You're the best, Uncle Kelbo. Hey, what you got there? l got another note from my secret admirer. They're coming every day now. Wow, that's exciting. Do you have any idea who it might be? No. But she's probably pretty cute. You see, she dots her l's with hearts, and that always says cute. And perfume. Oh, l can't even smell it, because of my allergies. Yep, you're someone's dream. Someone without pets, grass, or common house dust. You know, it's too bad you don't know who she is. Hey, l got a great plan to figure it out. l'm gonna-- You don't wanna hear my stupid plan, do you? Oh, no, l wanna hear all about your stupid plan. Okay. l'm gonna hide in this trash can and stake out my locker. - Brilliant. - Yep, and Max is gonna help me. - He's gonna be your lookout? - No. He's gonna stop the wrestling team from shoving Eugene Troobnick into the trash can like they do every day at 3. - l thought Eugene was homeschooled. - He is. They go home and get him. Where is she? l don't wanna teach the magic safety course twice. We don't wanna hear it once. Sorry, we're late. But you know how much l love the Old West. lt was great. We went on a cattle drive, and we took turns branding. Wanna see mine? Just kidding. l'm gonna get me a sarsaparilla and a nice hot bath. Partner, l'd love me a sarsaparilla. Whatever that is. l hope it's root beer. Oh, no, no, no. No, you were late, young lady, and we've all been waiting. And we're about to start the magic safety lesson. Did you guys know most wizard accidents happen within a mile of the home? That's because some people have brothers, and they're not accidents. Daddy, it's okay that l'm late, because Uncle Kelbo's been teaching me magic for the last few days. ln fact, he and l were talking, and he said that he could be my wizard trainer instead of you. - He did? - l did? - You did. - Hold on. You-- l did? - Kelbo, was this your idea? - No. Usually, when a guy goes to get a glass and does a spit take, it says, ''Surprise. '' But at the basketball game, you said you would teach me. Yeah, but l was talking more about, like, pranks and things like that. Oh, like, Dad has those birthday candles that never blow out. No, more like 50 wizards' heads spinning completely around their bodies. Oh, that's way better than the burning-candles thing. But you guys love the candles with the: And the: And the: Look, l'm honoured that you want me to be your teacher, but that's your dad's job. Dad's great with Justin and Max, but l don't think l'm reaching my full potential with him. Well, l don't wanna stand in the way of your full potential. Maybe Kelbo should teach you. Maybe you'll actually show up on time for his lessons. l will, Dad, because you know what l was thinking is that l learn more by doing than l do by learning. Then it's done. Wait a minute. We get to pick our wizard teachers? Oh, l pick-- Dad. Excuse us. We got a reservation for this garbage can. Oh, this one's full. There's a stinkier one upstairs. See you tomorrow at 3, Eugene. l don't know how much longer l can hold out. l'm the one in the trash can. My leg was asleep, woke up, and now it's asleep again. And l'm claustrophobic. - Someone's coming. l'll act natural. - Oh, yeah. Yep, standing here, being natural, whistling. Oh, my gosh. The lunch lady loves you. lt makes sense. My milk's always a little bit colder than everyone else's. But what are you gonna do? l'm gonna write her a letter and tell her l'm flattered and if l was 20 to 30 years older and out of options, maybe our love could flourish. Okay. Let her down easy. You don't want warm milk. Hey, thanks for doing that for me, Doris. Here's the left-handed mashed potato scooper you wanted. Thanks. A lot of people think they're the same as an ice-cream scooper. Those people would be wrong. That was totally an ice-cream scooper. So that's how you disappear and reappear ten feet away. Pretty fun, huh? That's about as magical as walking. See? What did l tell you? Not as much fun as poofing in. - Hey, Dad. - Hey, Alex. You missed a good one today. We disappeared and then reappeared ten feet away. - Wasn't it fun, guys? - Yeah. A little more exciting than that ripening-fruit spell you taught us. Okay. Well, have a good lesson. The lair is yours, Kelbo. Please, leave it how you found it. Come on, guys. Oh, hey, Max. Does anybody want some salted nuts? Sure, Dad. Snakes of all different colours. lt was-- - So, what's our lesson gonna be? - Oh, l thought we'd take a nap first. Well, l'll tell you what it's not gonna be, and that's fruit ripening. Because it's easy. All you do is you buy the fruit, you go into the future, fruit's ripe, you eat it. You're gonna teach me about time travel? l've always wanted to learn that. Oh, look, the wizard mail's here. Uncle Kelbo, can we please focus on the lesson? Look, we'll read it. We'll go back in time to before we read it, and it will be like we haven't even read it. A sea chimp sample? We used to get these all the time when we were little. They're just pets you put in water and you don't have to feed or play with them. They're great. They die before your mom makes you throw out the smelly water. Open them up. Come on. l don't know. These aren't regular sea chimps. They came in the wizard mail and Dad doesn't like us to open the wizard mail. Some of the stuff can be dangerous. Okay, l understand. But your dad's not your teacher, l am. And whatever goes wrong, we can fix with magic. All right. But don't you need water for sea chimps? Apparently, not. What--? That's not gonna work. Fix it with magic. Okay, okay, okay. All right. l got it. Okay. That's what l use in the shower at cheap motels. - Sorry. - Well, use another one. l can't. l'm panicking. Guess who l am. l'm the lunch lady. l'm in love with Justin. Give me a kiss, doll face. Hey, why is Coach Gunderson here? And why does he look so mad? Which one of you is Justin Russo? l think it's you. You don't shower after gym because you don't sweat. Because you walk the mile. Hey, coach. What are you doing writing love letters to my girlfriend, the lunch lady? She was putting letters in my locker and l was just trying to let her down gently. Excuse me. What's going on here? Your son is trying to tell me that he's getting love letters from my girlfriend, the lunch lady. The lunch lady? May l see one of these notes? l have one. ''l love your lightsaber nightlight. '' How would the lunch lady know you have a lightsaber nightlight? Alex. Alex is my 1 4-year-old daughter and she kind of torments him. Well, really all of us. l get it. You still sleep with a nightlight? Good. The dark can be very, very scary. Keep walking the mile. And sorry l barked at you. Lunch lady says l get pretty jealous. Dad. - Honey, are you all right? - Yeah. l don't know what happened. l know. There's water coming out of the lair. Oh, who's in the lair? Alex and Kelbo. They're doing their lesson in there. Somebody's gotta get into the lair. We don't know how much water. lf we open it, it could flood the restaurant. l know. Hey, you remember the spell from today, transporting ten feet? - Come on. - l'm on it. Whoa, wait, wait. l'll be right back. Okay, okay, l'm ready. Better safe than sorry. Justin, get me in there. Threemetrus-movetrus Hey, why can l breathe underwater? lt's due to the fact that we're sea chimps. Oh, right. Do something. Relax. l've been in way worse situations than this. lmagine the exact same thing, except hot lava. Why were you in hot lava? Suffice it to say, l don't know how to make hot coffee. You opened the magic sea chimp packet, didn't you? A little. l know a spell that will fix this. Alex, repeat after me. - l'm a big knucklehead. - l'm a big knucklehead. Wait a second, that's not a spell. No, l know. l just wanted to hear you admit it. Hey, if anyone here's a big knucklehead, it's this sea chimp. Gee, who knows a spell that will get us out of this mess? Anyone? Anyone? Oh, wait. l do. All right. Alex, say this: Dehydratus-lougaines, apus-escapus Dehydratus-lougaines, apus-escapus l just don't get it. Kelbo said that he could fix it, but he couldn't and Dad could. But Dad's not even a wizard anymore. Well, your dad was always a much better wizard than l was. That can't be true. Only one wizard in each family can keep their powers. lf Dad was the better wizard, he'd keep his powers. - You never told them, huh? - Told us what? Honey, l think they're old enough. We're all getting go-carts? No. When Kelbo and your father competed to see who'd keep their wizard powers, it was your dad who won the contest. What? But wizards can't marry non-wizards, so your dad gave Kelbo his powers so that he could marry me. l think that's the sweetest thing l've ever heard in my life. Give your powers up for a girl? - Yeah, right. - What? l can't be-- You guys, if Dad hadn't given up his powers, none of us would be here. Yeah, l made the right decision then, and l stand by it. And l should've stood by you, Dad. Will you still be my wizard teacher? Please, l beg of you, okay? Take her on. You know me. l can't handle it. l get distracted, and then l get careless, and then-- This towel is so soft. Oh, and distracted. You know, l get distracted. We get it. Honey, honey, l'll be your teacher. But you're still my fun Uncle Kelbo. l mean, who else gets to say that they were a sea chimp even for a little while? Actually, everyone l know. l've made them all open up that same packet because l just love the pretty colours on the outside. - The basketball game is on. - Oh, can l watch it with you? Yes. l'd love that, honey. Wait, wait, wait. l've got an idea. We can all watch it. Yeah! Yeah! Hey, guys, wanna see something cool? - Hold your heads like this. - Oh, what are you talking about? Cranium revolvus Oh, this is bunk. - Okay. You remember what to say, right? - Yeah. Excuse me. l was just checking to see if your refrigerator's running. As a matter of fact, my refrigerator is broken. lt's not running. What do l do if it's not running? She's onto us. Run.