Burgerboss

(video game music playing)

That's the song I want to lose it to.

Mm-mm-mm!

This is exciting, right?

A video game, right here in our restaurant.

Yeah, I used to be pretty good at this game, too.

By which, I mean best in the entire school.

Wow.

Yeah.

We would not have been friends.

I think we would have, Louise.

I was very cool.

I'd be your friend.

I don't care if nobody likes you.

It's him or us, Tina!

Uh, I don't know.

Don't make me choose.

Yeah, I think this could bring in some real business.

Maybe enough that we can finally get that new vent hood.

Oh, or we could get sailing lessons.

Or we could buy gift cards.

They're as good as cash.

No.

We could buy an island.

No.

And then a smaller island nearby, for farting.

Did somebody say sailing lessons?

That's a great idea!

You said that.

Oh.

Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves, all right?

Fart island.

Sailing lessons.

God.

(Video game music playing)

Look out!

Ketchup bottle.

Agh!

GENE, LOUISE and TINA: Ooh!

I know, I know, the ketchup's a killer.

But I got on the board.

80,000 points!

B-O-B... one.

"BOB1."

Hey, Burgerboss!

You play?

Ah, a little.

All right.

(sighs)

Yeah, you like how these fingers feel, hmm?

Yeah, you do, don't you?

Huh?

Yeah, I bet you never had someone this good.

Aw, you make me feel like a king.

Jimmy, my kids are right here.

Ooh!

Please stop, we're just leasing it.

Jimmy: Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

Oh, your corners are so smooth.

Mm-hmm.

Ooh, something to hold on to; I like that.

(Sighs)

You got over 300,000 points!

Ah!

Dad, what was your score again?

Never mind, Louise.

What was it though?

Mm-mm.

See you, Bob.

Call me next time you find something that you think you're good at.

Oh, hey, almost forgot.

Mm-mm-mm-mm. Huh.

(Gasping)

Bob: Oh, ha-ha.

"Bob Sux."

That's, uh, that's really funny, Jimmy.

(laughs)

Then, you know, when I beat your high score, I'm gonna write, "Jimmy Pesto is an idiot "and he doesn't know how to spell 'sucks.'

And he's dumb!"

Dad, he's gone.

I saw.

Okay, enough is enough.

He's not gonna taunt me on my own turf, Lin.

Okay, you know, I'll just unplug it.

Maybe that'll erase the high scores, right?

Yeah.

(Video game music playing)

Ah, that didn't work.

You know what? I'll take care of this myself.

All right, well, hurry up.

It's the kids' night to do the dishes, so we're gonna have to do them all over again before we go to bed.

I'll be right up.

This won't take long.

Just gotta... (knuckles cracking) shake off the rust.

(Crickets chirping)

(video game sound effects)

(birds chirping)

(sighs)

Come on.

Linda: Bobby?

Uh-huh?

Could you take a break from that and help me with the grill?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One second.

No, this second, Bobby!

You played that thing all night.

Are you kidding me with that pickle?!

(Grunting)

I saw that!

Oh, Bobby, is this turning into another one of your peeing races with Jimmy?

It's not called a peeing race, Lin.

It's called a pissing contest.

Well, you know how these things turn out.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

Mm.

Eh?

(Grunts)

How about this?!

Nuh-uh!

Hmm.

I'm telling you, Bobby, you should learn to just ignore Pesto.

Hey, kid, back off.

I feel your breath on my hip.

I did it, Lin!

Kids, come look!

Did you beat Jimmy?

What? No.

I broke 100,000.

Fantastic!

(Whispers): Was it obvious I don't care?

Just smile and nod.

Well, I'm on my way is my point.

Linda: What?

Again?

I can't stop now, Lin.

Not until I can erase "Bob Sux."

What's wrong with your hand?

Nothing.

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Redrum. Redrum.

Uh-oh, Bob.

You better go easy.

You could have the carpal tunnels.

It's just a cramp.

I must be dehydrated.

(Grunting)

Ew.

This can't happen now.

Maybe I should see a doctor.

Good.

Otherwise, I might have to stop playing.

Ugh!

Gene: Please tell me they shoot webs.

Are we finally getting a falcon?

I think they're flattering.

Like wrist corsets.

The doctor said with these splints and these pain pills, I should be good to go.

Oh, he didn't tell you to lay off the game? No!

I can tell when you're lying, Bob!

Whenever you lie, your eyes get crossed a little.

The doctor said the last thing...

Look, they're crossing.

I'll just shut them. Ready?

Okay.

He said the last thing you want to do is stop playing.

You're so full of it.

What's gonna happen if you can't use your hands?

Yeah, how are we gonna do our hitchhiking across America trip?

Who's gonna play harp at my wedding?

And how will we become a famous father-son close-up magic team?!

(Door opens, closes)

Lin?

Oops. Overslept.

Well, might as well take two.

Morning, babe.

Sorry I got to bed so late last night.

W-Where's the game?!

The game is gone!

Bob, calm down.

I got rid of the game.

What?! Why?!

Look at, look at me.

It's an intervention.

You have a problem.

Yeah, yeah!

I do, Lin!

"Bob Sux" is on the game!

And I need to get it off!

I'm gonna track down that game, and I'm gonna knock "Bob Sux" off the board!

Okay, Bobby, okay.

I'm not leaving any stone unturned, Lin!

They're all gonna be turned!

All the stones!

Okay. Look at me.

Look at me. Happy times.

I'm furious!

I had the video game company take your game away because I love you.

Mm-mm.

It's like the time you took away the credit card from me when I was ordering all those porcelain babies.

♪ If you're not real ♪ ♪ Then how come I feel this way? ♪ ♪ Little babies. ♪

Come here.

(Kissing)

Come here.

Aw, little baby.

(Kissing)

Linda, listen very carefully.

What?

Where did they take the game?

Miles away by now, Bobby.

Just forget about it.

Where?!

Where did they take it?!

You're spitting on me.

Wait!

Wait! Stop the truck!

That's my game!

Genie's out of the bottle now.

The whole world will know "Bob Sux."

This isn't over, Jimmy.

I'm gonna find that game.

And when I do, I'm gonna wipe that smirk off your...

Damn it.

Check Family Funtime.

That's where old games go to die.

(Slowing down): Bleep-bloop-bloop-bloop.

That's the sound of a game dying.

(Music playing)

Ah, there it is.

Burgerboss.

No adults allowed without kids.

Oh, come on, buddy.

Why can't you just let me play the game?

Hmm, I don't know.

Because I'm an adult and, oh, guess what, so are you.

Well, I have kids, sir, all right?

They're just not with me.

So I'm gonna be playing...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna need you to go ahead and step away.

Well, I just forgot my keys, so...

(gibbering)

I forgot, I'm a cop!

Let me in!

I know that trick, too!

That's my badge right there!

Let me see that badge.

No, I know it's not a badge!

Well, you better believe I'll be back!

Not without children, you won't!

There he is.

It's nice to have you here for dinner, Bob.

Sorry, Lin.

Hey, uh, I have to do a thing.

With the kids.

What?

We have a thing?

Yeah.

But I don't have anything planned until my birthday next year.

You're taking the kids out?

Yeah. Well, it's, um, it's a secret.

For you.

Oh!

I love secrets.

Tell me!

Well, this wouldn't be a secret if I told you.

Does it have anything to do with jazz?

Mm, maybe.

Oh!

No, no, it's not jazz.

(Gasps)

It's sailing lessons!

You were listening!

What?

Right, yes.

Sailing lessons!

Sailing lessons.

That's...

How did you guess?

Oh!

This is going to be very good for you children.

You can join the yacht club.

White sweaters around your neck, the gin and tonics, shoes without socks, private fireworks.

Kapow!

When do the classes start?

Um...

Ba-boom!

Tonight, in five minutes.

We gotta go.

Come on.

Anyone else think it's odd our first sailing lesson is at night?

No!

Probably a lot of class work before they let you out on the boat.

All right, we gotta go, come on.

Let's go learn how to tie knots.

Tying knots! Yay!

I'm gonna stow away in a rope bin and fight a rat over a block of cheese.

If we see any mermaids, I'm gonna ask them where their mer-ginas are.

We're not taking sailing classes, you rubes.

Where are you really taking us, Dad?

All right, here we are.

Whoa. Family Funtime?

Now, if that guy asks, you're my kids, okay?

We are your kids.

I know, but rub it in his face.

Excuse me, my kids and I would like to come in.

We were made by this guy.

Yeah.

He had s*x, then we happened!

Deal with it!

I was wrong about you.

They're beautiful.

Gene: Thanks!

Here.

What is this?

Oh, that's one token.

That's a token.

Okay, and then more.

All right, have fun.

And then more?

Have fun.

We need more!

Can't. Gotta go.

We can't play any games with one!

Ugh!

We could go around and look for interesting throw-ups.

There's one.

There's one.

I've got a better idea.

You know what's free?

Loading.

Freeloading.

Let's go crash that kid's party.

Oh.

Oh!

All right, uh, who needs a piece of cake?

Who wants a piece?

We do!

Cake, please!

Thanks, that kid's mom.

Um, how do you know Kevin again?

Soccer.

Church.

Desert Storm.

Nice move.

Thanks, kid.

Do you mind?

You're kind of crowding me.

Ketchup, top left, in three, two, one.

Whoa. How'd you know?

Well, I don't want to crowd you.

Are you D-R-L?

It's pronounced "Darryl."

D-Darryl, don't go.

I-I need your help.

Whoa, what's wrong with your hands?

Polio?

Carpal tunnel.

How old are you?

Old.

Do you have a job or you live with your mom? Job.

What's your job?

I have a burger restaurant.

Really? Is that so you can get better at the game?

It's unrelated.

Listen, I need to beat this high score, but I can't get past level 29 and that stupid chicken leg.

What the hell does a chicken leg have to do with hamburgers, anyway?!

Easy, easy!

Ow. Damn it.

What's your name, anyway?

I'm Bob.

Of "Bob Sux."

Ouch.

Who did that?

A guy. Jimmy Pesto.

I hate him.

I got a bully, too.

His name's Tyler.

Picks on me every day.

Oh, that's cool.

So, will you help me?

Sure, step aside.

No, no, no.

I gotta do it myself.

I don't know, man.

Your technique's sloppy and your stance... why are you standing way back?

You got to press your wiener against the game, like this.

See? Yeah.

Okay, all right.

Wow. Oh.

Yeah. Wow.

I'll teach you, if you beat up Tyler.

How old is Tyler?

He's 12.

Well, uh, we'll see.

Okay.

I can't really shake, 'cause my...

You want to just maybe E.T. it?

God, I almost want to beat you up.

Kevin: This isn't a bar mitzvah!

I'm not Jewish!

Kids: ♪ Hava nagila, hava nagila... ♪

Ahoy, there, mateys!

So... what knots did you learn?

Knots Landing?

(laughs)

Oh, my God.

They learned a ton of knots, right?

Mmm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Uh, absolutely.

Tina: Yeah. A lot. Like what?

Uh... the fish noose.

Yeah.

Linda: Ohh.

The walrus's surprise.

The... cake and ice cream.

Ooh!

That one sounds complicated!

When do I get to go sailing with you guys?

Oh, uh, soon, Lin, soon.

Ooh! I can't wait!

I'm gonna start putting my hair up in a ponytail.

Why not pigtails, Mom?

Twice as classy.

I'd go with a flat-top... but, hey, it's your head!

Time to take my awesome pills.

Am I glowing?

I feel like I'm glowing, Darryl.

(Echoing): Hi, Bob.

Oh hey, Burgerboss!

(Echoing): Lookin' good.

(Chuckles)

Thanks.

Are you high?

No. You kidding?

A little bit. Yes.

Video games and drugs... those two things don't mix.

Shut up.

You're not too zonked to beat up Tyler, are you?

No. Who's Tyler?

Who's Tyler?

Tyler's my bully!

He could show up at any time!

Come on, Bob, focus!

Right, right, right, right.

Let me just take one more pill.

Happy Birthday, Samantha and Margaret!

Our names are Jennifer and Kyrsten!

We're always mixing you two up.

Hey, Dad, get in on this pizza!

No pizza!

He's in training.

Hope you get your lost manhood back, Dad.

Take good care of our father, strange nerd!

No funny business.

I'm not a nerd!

I'm a video game enthusiast.

('80's style rock song beings)

♪ Close to the top! ♪

See that? Now notice this.

♪ Groping for glory, yeah ♪ ♪ I know... ♪

Yes.

♪ Sometimes in life ♪ ♪ You just gotta say I don't give a damn ♪ ♪ Ha-ha! ♪ ♪ Groping the night away, yeah ♪ ♪ Shoot your arrow in the sky ♪ ♪ Tell the gods you'll never die ♪ ♪ You're a real special guy ♪ ♪ The towel's there, but don't throw it in ♪ ♪ If you do, you cannot win ♪ ♪ That's how rules work ♪

(screams)

♪ Crawl up the mountain on hands and knees ♪ ♪ It's stained with the blood of your enemies ♪ ♪ Groping for glory... ♪

I've eaten nine birthday cakes, and I still feel empty.

I mean, who are these people?

Who are you, who am I?

I'm calling it.

This party is dead.

Okay. Let's go.

There's gotta be something bigger we can crash.

(Gene growls)

Glencrest Yacht Club.

I'd crash that.

I don't know if I can have any more cake.

What about crab cake?

Hmm, I could make some room.

Hi, I'm here for the orphan benefit, Tots Without Yachts?

I'm the orphan.

I'm Whit Worthington's ward, Wayne.

I'm here to change the lightbulb in the lighthouse.

Wait. What?

We're gonna breeze right past you now. Thank you.

Gene: Mm-hmm-hmm.

(Indistinct conversation, laughter)

Wow. It must be yacht prom.

This is the Commodore's Ball.

You know what?

Just give me the tray.

And make some mini pizza bagels.

Thank you.

This is for you.

For your effort.

There are more of these tickets where that came from.

So keep this guy happy.

Ow! Time to reload.

This goes in here.

And this goes in here.

Oh, my God, oh, my God...

Tyler's here.

This is not a drill.

Tyler?

My bully!

W... Wait... What're you doing?

What're... Don't.

This will make you look tough.

And this will make you feel tough.

Hey, Darryl, I don't have a lot of shirts, so don't do that.

Oh. I thought your arms would look bigger.

Let's put these back on.

Oh, lookie what time it is.

Punch-thirty.

Nice one, Ty.

Say something tough.

Say something like "punch-thirty," then attack them all.

Uh, hey, guys, listen, all right?

I'm an adult.

And it's, uh, it's gonna get kind of heavy here.

Hold on, I forgot the bicep band.

Okay, punch his face!

What the hell, man?

I'm not punching any faces, okay?

I'm gonna talk to the faces.

What are you doing, Bob?

Kick his ass!

I got it, Darryl.

Look, I know you, right?

You're Tyler.

And you have fun beating up Darryl, here, all right.

But Darryl, he doesn't like it.

And let's be honest, there's a race thing going on here.

Darryl, you're something... right? Black?

That is not the issue.

I beat him up 'cause he's a nerd.

All right, I got an idea.

Hold on, I'm just gonna take a pill.

Mmm.

Darryl, I want you to smile.

No.

That's good.

And Tyler, I want you to also smile.

No way.

(Whispers): I'm so high.

Okay, now, guys, just touch... touch your smiles together, okay?

This is going really well.

So now that we got that...

(snoring)

Bob? Bob?

Bob?!

Your bodyguard's asleep, wuss.

(Grunts)

Ow!

That's for standing up for yourself.

(Gasps)

Chicken leg!

Aah! What're you doing?

Yeah, Bob!

Unleash the beast!

No mercy!

Ah! Relish hole!

Run! This guy's crazy!

Fantastic. Not my problem.

Thanks for coming to Family Funtime.

Drive safe.

(Humming)

Bob: Chicken leg!

(Thud)

Ow! I fell down.

Help! There's a crazy man chasing me!

Yes! Tomato slice!

Take that!

(Screams, car alarm whoops)

What do you think those are for?

You get one for every octopus you kill.

I'm taking one.

Can I have that?

I wish I'd met you sooner.

I wonder what you looked like 15 minutes ago.

Dad! Some hairy guy's trying to kill me!

Burgerboss is gonna get you!

Oof!

Hi, Dad.

Bacon-wrapped scallop?

Sure.

(Phone rings)

Hello?

Hi. Is this Mrs. Belcher?

Yeah.

Security Guard: I'm calling from Glencrest Yacht Club.

Ooh!

We need you to come down here right away.

(Gasps)

Okay!

(Humming happily)

Moisten the mizzenmast!

What?

You know what I mean!

That thing.

(kids grunting)

The mizzenmast!

All right!

(Linda hums happily)

♪ Three-hour tour... ♪

You must be Linda Belcher.

Yeah! How'd you know?

Your family's in the trophy room.

Follow me, please.

Trophy room!

(Slurping)

(quietly): The mayor is here.

Hi, Mayor!

(Sighs)

I'm glad you made it here so quickly, Mrs. Belcher.

We need your help with... this.

(Gasps)

(grunts)

Get away from me!

What the hell's going on here?

It's the Commodore's Balls.

Your husband just barged in here.

We caught your children stealing food and regatta pennants.

And oyster forks.

(Grunting)

Princess Mayonnaise!

We'll go back to back!

Let's fight our way out!

All right, someone better tell me what the hell's going on!

Is this sailing class?

Uh...

Dad was using us to get into Family Funtime so he could get better at Burgerboss.

Now he's in a k-hole.

He tried to make me kiss another kid!

You deserve it!

Who are you people?

Who the hell are you?

I'm Tyler's father!

And the president of this club.

Ooh!

Oh.

Why didn't you tell me this was going on?

We were kind of busy, partying our nuts off.

Yeah, we were at Family Funtime.

Partying our butts off.

I said "nuts"!

You know, I'm so disappointed.

This whole time, I thought you were taking sailing lessons.

(Crowd laughs, scoffs)

Oh, shove it. Judge me.

Jimmy: Ah, hello, Linda.

You're a member here, Jimmy?

Soon. Top of the wait list.

I forget, uh, you guys members?

(laughs)

All of this is because you went and wrote "Bob Sux" on a video game.

You.

Aw, you're right, Lin.

Let me see if I can help out, huh?

Bob sucks!

(Yelling)

(laughs)

Jimmy, you're just as pathetic as Bob with your peeing races.

"Peeing races"?

What are "peeing races"?

That's not going to go over well with the membership committee.

Sounds like a s*x thing.

It does.

But... (stammering)

Aw, come on, guys!

Come here, you!

We're leaving, you pill-popping liar.

Ow. Ow.

Come on!

Ow.

Your mini pizza bagel, sir.

I don't even want it anymore.

Hold on. Yes, I do.

Lin, I'm really sorry I lied to you.

And did drugs.

And used your children.

Use it or lose it, right, Dad?

You know what, Bobby?

At the end of the day, it's for the best.

Can you imagine being on a boat with those people?

Yeah. I mean, if we were gonna have to be banned for life from someplace, I'm glad it's there.

Yeah, the caviar was too salty.

Well, technically, caviar is salty, Gene.

Yeah, but I think they salted it on top of that.

They're idiots.

(door bells jingle)

Oh, hey, Darryl.

Hey, Bob.

So you're the video game coach?

And you must be Bob's wife.

She does have big boobies.

(Chuckles)

What?!

Yeah, okay.

(laughs)

I might have said that when I was high.

Well, I came by to thank you.

'Cause of you, I'm not gonna let Tyler bother me anymore.

Really?!

I decided I don't want to be like you, a 60-year-old man, still battling his bully.

(Clears throat)

Okay.

Uh, I'm not 60, by the way.

But, uh, I'm glad I could help.

And you know something, I'm all right with Burgerboss having "Bob Sux" on the leaderboard.

Aw, I'm proud of you, Bobby.

Yeah.

Mm. Come here.

(Quietly): Hey, you're gonna knock "Bob Sux" off the leaderboard, right?

I'm on it.

Good.

Just change it to "Fat Bob."

"Dumb Bob" works too.

Or "Hi, Bob!"