Coupon Madness

Narrator: Just an ordinary day as the Botsford family prepares to do a little shopping at the only grocery store in town that still allows monkeys.

Mrs. Botsford: Okay everybody, let’s just try and get through this as quickly as possible! Becky, stick with me and make sure Bob doesn’t go near the lobster tank this time! (Bob is dressed in a a snorkel and flippers, carrying a fishing pole and shell cracker and wearing a lobster bib.)

Becky: Uh, Mom, he just wanted to make friends!

TJ: Mom, can I have an advance on my allowance?

Mrs. Botsford: Why?

TJ: So I can buy some Snappy Snaps!

Mrs. Botsford: Honey, I’ll buy you Snappy Snaps!

TJ: You will?? Awesome! (pause) I need 32 boxes.

Mrs. Botsford: Uh… what?

TJ: With just 32 more boxtop coupons, I can get the new WordGirl Utility Belt! (holds up an ad)

Becky: (grabs the ad from TJ and reads it) The WordGirl Utility Belt… with grappling hook, flashlight, and special secret compartment to hold your Snappy Snaps! I don’t use any of that stuff.

TJ: Why would you? You’re not WordGirl!

Becky: Right, right! Of course I’m not! Ha-ha-ha! Uh, oh look guys! There’s a sale-- on… food!

Mrs. Botsford: Oh, that’s on our list!

Narrator: Meanwhile, at the bank…Granny May is doing some shopping of her own!

Second Female Bank Teller: Can I help you, Ma’am? It looks like you’re  squint ing to read that piece of paper.

Granny May: Oh, thank you. I seem to have forgotten my glasses. Could you be a dear and read this for me?

Second Female Bank Teller: (reading the slip of paper) “This coupon entitles the bearer to one free toaster, and all the money in the bank.”

Granny May: Oh! That’s a  bargain ! I think I’ll take it!

Second Female Bank Teller: Hm! That’s strange, I’ve never seen this coupon before.

Granny May: What? I didn’t spill the soup on the floor! Why do you think it was me, because I’m old?

Second Female Bank Teller: That’s not what I--

Granny May: You should be ashamed of yourself! I’d like to talk to your manager!

Second Female Bank Teller: Please, ma’am. There’s no need to get upset! I’ll be right back with your money. (walks away)

Granny May: Now that’s more like it!

(Soon, Granny May is carrying bags of money out in a cart. The bank guard holds the door open for her.)

Granny May: Have a nice day!

Bank Guard: (holds his hand up) Hey!

Granny May: Oh, it’s OK, sweetie. I have a coupon!

Bank Guard: (looking at the coupon) Wow! That’s a  bargain !

Granny May: (steps back in) Whoops! I almost forgot my free toaster!

Narrator: Moments later, at a nearby used car lot…

(Scene: Used car lot. Granny May is sitting in the cab of a car carrier, talking with the salesman.)

Granny May: Oh… thank you Ed! (pinches him on the cheek)

Used Car Salesman: All right, Granny May! You enjoy those new wheels, you hear? (she drives off) What a nice old lady!

(The manager comes over to him)

Manager: Hey Ed… did you just give that little old lady every car on our lot?!

Used Car Salesman: Sure did, Bill!

Manager: Yeah, but she didn’t pay for any of ‘em!

Used Car Salesman: Well, she did have a coupon, sir! (Shows the coupon she gave him)

Manager: Give me that!

Used Car Salesman: It’s in the fine print. You gotta  squint  to see it!

Manager: Eeh… (squinting) “This coupon entitles Granny May, blah blah blah, all the cars she wants, proof of purchase not necessary, expires December 32.” Looks real to me! Let’s go to lunch!

(Scene: Back at the grocery store.)

Narrator: Meanwhile, in the cookie aisle…

(TJ is standing in front of a Snappy Snaps display, with a lifesize cutout of WordGirl next to it.)

TJ: Look at that. Can you imagine if she just came to life right now? What do you think she’d say?

Becky: That you have cookie crumbs on your face?

TJ: Yeah-- don’t think she’d say that.

Becky: (smiling) Don’t be so sure! C’mon Bob, let’s see if they’re giving away any free snack samples! (walks away with Bob)

(Cuts to a scene of the grocery store manager sitting at a desk, with a large safe next to him. Behind him there are several nearly-identical photos of him in slightly different settings. Granny May walks up to him.)

Granny May: This coupon entitles me to two-for-one on cans of tuna, and the combination to your safe.

Grocery Store Manager: I’m sorry, ma’am, but I think I’d remember printing that!

Granny May: Wh-what? How dare you interfere with a poor old lady’s  bargain -hunting! Somebody ought to teach you a lesson. (She removes the knitting needles from her hair bun.)

Grocery Store Manager: Thank you, but I’m not interested in learning how to knit! However, if you happen to know how to touch your nose with your tongue, now THERE’s a skill I’d like to know--

(She yells out, and points the needles at him. Soon, the grocery store manager is wrapped in a tight bundle of purple yarn.)

Granny May: Now then, dearie, what’s the combination to the safe?

Grocery Store Manager: (trying to speak through yarn) Mmph! Mmmph!

Granny May: Oh, oh, hold on! You’re getting the yarn all wet!

(Becky and Bob walk by, looking at one of the displays.)

Becky: They put the pudding with the pickles? Ugh! (looks over to where the manager is tied up.) Wait a second! That looks like Granny May! And she’s got the store manager wrapped up in yarn! C’mon, Huggy!

(They walk past the Snappy Snaps display, where TJ is still admiring WordGirl.)

TJ: (to cardboard cutout) How did you get such pretty teeth?

WordGirl: Word UP! (Zips past TJ)

TJ: (unaware of who just went past him) Hey! Watch where you’re going! (The WordGirl cutout falls over onto TJ) Now then, where were we?

Granny May: Oh, you’re not going anywhere until you tell me the combination of that safe! I have a COUPON! It’s MINE!

Grocery Store Manager: Never! But do you want a job as a shelf stocker? We could use another strong set of hands!

WordGirl: Let him go, Granny!

Granny May: Oh, hello. Have we met?

WordGirl: Of course we have!

Granny May: Hmm. You don’t look familiar!

WordGirl: Don’t try that old  squint  routine with me, Granny!

Granny May: Rinse machine? Ha ha, no, I do my washing on the line, thank you.

WordGirl: You heard me, I said ‘ squint  routine’. You know,  squint … to squeeze your eyes together so you can get a better look at something. Like this!

Granny May: Uh huh, whatever you say, whoever you are.

WordGirl: (frustrated) Erg! I’m WordGirl! And this is my sidekick Captain Huggy Face!

Granny May: Nope. Not ringing any bells. And I’m sure I’d remember a little girl with a giant pet rat!

WordGirl: Whatever. Just let the store manager go!

Granny May: Oh, all right. Since you put it that way-- (she pulls out her knitting needles and fires yarn toward WordGirl)

WordGirl: Ha ha, you missed!

Granny May: Oh, I did, huh? You kids think you know everything! (She pulls the strands of yarn which had attached to a stack of pickle jars, pulling the jars onto WordGirl) Now excuse me, angel, I gotta go finish my shopping! (She presses on her necklace, and her outfit transforms into her jet-powered suit.) Ta-ta!

(Sally Botsford walks down one of the aisles nearby.) Becky! Bob! Has anyone seen a girl with a monkey and a lobster?

(Scene: A little later, WordGirl is flying around with Huggy.)

Narrator: WordGirl and her trusted sidekick Captain Huggy Face scan the skies.

WordGirl: I don’t see her anywhere, Huggy. Maybe Granny May’s done with her diabolical coupon capers.

Narrator: I wouldn’t count on it.

WordGirl: Really? Why?

Narrator: Uh, a truckful of stolen cars parked outside the jewelry store!

WordGirl: (spots them) Oh! Right. (Zips down, then comes back up briefly) Thanks! (Goes back down.)

(Scene: Inside Ye Olde Fancy Schmancy Jewelry Store. Granny May isgoing through a stack of coupons while Reginald the jewelry store owner looks on impatiently)

Granny May: (to herself) ...Here’s a buy one, get one on laundry detergent… free gift wrap with purchase, not that one… Oh, here it is! Senior citizen discount-- one free jewelry store and everything in it!

(Reginald looks over at a “Wanted” poster of Granny May on the wall.)

Reginald: Ma’am, I’m afraid I’m unable to honor any coupons from you.

Granny May: What? Why not?

Reginald: Evidently you’re a wanted thief.

Granny May: Where’s the hunted beef? How would I know where it is?

Reginald: No, I said you’re a wanted thief! You really should get your hearing checked.

Granny May: (looking at the poster of her) Well, that looks nothing like me! Though I will say, that’s a mighty fine young lady!

Reginald: Might want to check your eyes while you’re at it!

Granny May: I heard THAT one!

(WordGirl and Huggy arrive on the scene.)

WordGirl: Not so fast, Granny May! (Reginald slinks away)

Granny May: You again?! (Flings her knitting needles around like numchucks.) I still don’t understand why a pretty superhero like you would let a rat follow her around!

WordGirl: Now, just a minute! Huggy is a monkey, not a rat! Sure, he’s a little scruffy and never stops eating, and chews on his toenails... (Huggy looks at her and chatters loudly)  Sorry.

Granny May: Little girl, I think you need a TIME OUT! (Flings strands of yarn toward her, and she moves out of the way. The yarn attaches itself to items on a shelf behind her. She pulls on the yarn, but WordGirl and Huggy move forward to avoid being hit by the items. Reginald looks on in horror as his shop is being trashed.)

WordGirl: Ha ha ha, we’re not falling for THAT old trick again!

Granny May: Oh, you’re a smart one, missy!

WordGirl: Thank you.

Granny May: Not THAT smart! (Pulls out a perfume bottle and aims it at her) GRANNY PERFUME! (A cloud of noxious gas moves toward them)

WordGirl: TAKE COVER! Oh, it’s HORRIBLE!

Reginald: (coughs) Oh, dear! Smells of mothballs!

(Granny May scoops up some large jewels from a display and puts them in her purse.)

Granny May: Sorry to shop and run! (Transforms into her jet suit and takes off. Huggy jumps and grabs her leg.)

WordGirl: Huggy? HUGGY? (She sees him disappear through a hole in the roof with Granny May.) Attaboy, Huggy!

(Reginald stands next to her, fuming.)

WordGirl: Oh! I guess I should clean all this up, huh.

(Scene: Granny May’s house. She is waving her coupons around.)

Narrator: Granny May has escaped back to her dastardly lair! But she seems to have an unexpected visitor… in the rafters! (Huggy is seen watching from above, and puts his finger to his lips to shush the narrator.) Sorry!

Granny May: That meddlesome smarty-pants WordGirl almost had me that time! Luckily, I’m older and wiser! And also wiser!

Narrator: You said that already.

Granny May: Mind your manners now!

Narrator: Yes ma’am.

(Granny May is shown standing next to a printing press.)

Granny May: But now, I can plan for my biggest caper yet-- a coupon that gives me ETERNAL CONTROL OF THE CITY! Ha-ha-ha-ha! (starts coughing) Oh, I think I’d better put a kettle on.

(She walks away, and Huggy jumps from the rafters, landing on the back of a chair with a thump. Granny May turns around.)

Granny May: What was that? (sees Huggy) Well, at least you knew enough to keep to the plastic! I don’t want you to shed any mangy flea-bitten rat hair on my nice couch! (He hands a card to her, and she puts on her glasses and reads it.)  “Prepare to be subdued by yours truly, Captain Huggyface superhero. P.S., I am a monkey not a rat.” Oh, no! How will I, a little old woman, defend myself? I guess I should just give myself up!

(She proceeds to entrap him with yarn from her knitting needles.)

Granny May: Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have go to make my coupon to rule the city forever!

(The door flies opens, and WordGirl steps in.)

WordGirl: Your coupon-cutting days are over, Granny May!

Granny May: Oh all right, I guess you caught me, whatever-your-name-is girl!

WordGirl: WordGirl!

Granny May: (pretending to cry) Oh, it’s just so hard for a little old lady in this big old world… (presses a button on a remote, and the piano starts playing a sad song) ...everything is so expensive these days! (Huggy is shown crying)  Is it so wrong to hunt for  bargain s?

WordGirl: Oh come on, you’re not  bargain  hunting! A  bargain  is when you buy something for a lot less than it’s worth!

Granny May: Well, that’s what I did!

WordGirl: No, what you did is called stealing! (Huggy starts chewing at the ropes holding him.) You made those coupons yourself in order to get free stuff!

Granny May: Well, free is the best  bargain  there is!

WordGirl: We’ll see how good you are at  bargain  hunting when I destroy your coupon making machine!

Granny May: Keep away from my machine! And no shoes on the carpet!

WordGirl: Just try and stop me!

Granny May: Don’t mind if I do! Let’s see you fare against these petrified purse mints! (She flings the mints at WordGirl, and soon she ends up being trapped in a vortex they create.)

WordGirl: Ooh-- aah-- they’re so… minty… they’re burning… my eyes!

Granny May: Ha ha! Too bad, WordGirl! And now, to print my coupon and take over the city!

WordGirl: Huggy, stop her!

(Huggy continues pulling at the yarn until he breaks free. He jumps onto Granny May’s head.)

Granny May: Aah! I’ve got a rat in my hair!

(WordGirl manages to reach over to a nearby table, and grabs a pair of sunglasses and puts them on.)

WordGirl: That’s better! (Grabs an umbrella from a stand and opens it up. She then aims the umbrella so that the mints bounce off of it and into the printing press, freezing it.)

Granny May: Oh, my brand new coupons!

WordGirl: Huggy, move in!

Granny May: Oh, now don’t tell me you’re still mad about that whole rat business?--

(The scene fades out briefly. After it fades back in, the police are there carrying Granny May away in a rolled-up rug.)

Officer: Let’s go, Granny! We’re taking you downtown!

Granny May: I’ll get you, WordGirl! You won’t get away with ruining my pride and joy!

WordGirl: She sure is mad that we destroyed her coupon machine!

Granny May: I’m talking about my sofa! (Huggy is sitting next to WordGirl, eating chips and drinking a soda.) Oh, look at those stains! How am I gonna get those out?! Get your feet off of that table! And use a doily!

Narrator: With Granny May behind bars, the citizens of the city can safely hunt for honest  bargain s once again… thanks to WordGirl and Captain Huggy Face! Join us next time where the action and adventure are free, without a coupon!

WordGirl: Nice tie-in! (gives him a thumbs up)

Narrator: Thanks! ... on the next episode of WordGirl!