Lust for Puppets

(Mario & Luigi are driving on a Kart along the road.)

Luigi: Oh no Mario, The bridge, she's-a closed.

(The bridge is out. So, they turn to a different path. They come to a fork in the road.)

Ludgi: Uh, which way should we go?

(They choose the right path. When they enter Vice City from the Grand Theft Auto series, the Kart's right front tire blows out.)

Luigi: Oh, look at that! We got a flat tire!

Mario: Look! A repair garage. We'll pull in there.

(The Mario Brothers enter the garage. When they come out, they are in a different car.)

Mario: Mama mia! Luigi we've got a Pimped-out ride!

(The car lifts on its wheels, and the Mario Brothers drive over to a parking meter and stop.)

Luigi: We've need some coins Mario, We've have-a no money.

Mario: Leave-a it to me.

(Mario goes under a brick building. He tries to smash it to get coins, but just bangs his head instead. Luigi rushes over.)

Luigi: Mario are you okay? Oh, look. It's a turtle. (A little girl is walking her turtle on a leash. Luigi, thinking it is a Koopa, jumps on it and smashes it to a pulp.)

Little Girl: What are you doing?! You just killed my turtle!

Luigi: Oh, my god! Uh, I'm-a so sorry!

(Five "Most Wanted" stars appear in the top of the screen. One fills in. A policeman appears on the scene.)

Cop: Hey, what's going on here?

Mario: Luigi let's get out of here!

(Mario and Luigi and flees the scene. Another star fills in as the cop fires at them. The Mario Brothers see a hooker, whom they think is Princess Peach.)

Mario: Luigi, it's the Princess! Princess, you must come with us!

Hooker: I'll suck your [dick] for fifty bucks.

Mario: Princess!

Luigi: Do you accept-a coins?

Mario: Come on, Princess! We've got to go!

(They pick up the hooker and flee. Another star fills in as a pimp spots them.)

Pimp: Uh-uh! Uh-uh! No, that's my princess! (He fires at them. Mario is wounded.)

Mario: Oh, no! I'm-a hit! What is this?

Hooker: That's blood, baby.

Luigi: I'm need to find you some mushrooms so you can-a heal.

Hooker: I know just the guy.

(They drive up to some drug dealers. One of them offers a "Magic Mushroom" to Mario.)

Dealer: This is some really good [shit], man.

(Mario eats the mushroom. When he is finished, his eyes swell up.)

Mario: Waa hah hi woo-hoo! Wow, I feel really good. Look at the pretty colors. Whee!

Luigi: Cheese it! It's the fuzz!

(The hooker and the drug dealers all flee. Another star fills in as the Mario Brothers are pursued by the police.)

Mario: Waa hah hi! I feel so funny! Look, there's-a coins everywhere! I'm a rich!

(Mario and Luigi, still drugged, starts having hallucinations. He thinks he's seeing coins, so he drives over them, not knowing they are actually pedestrians.)

Luigi: Mario, No!

(The final "Most Wanted" star fills in as Mario and Luigi run over the pedestrians.)

Luigi: I think I should-a drive!

(The car comes into contact with two police cars and explodes, hurling the Mario Brothers into a wall covered with graffiti.)

Cop: Freeze! Put your hands in the air!

(The police arrive and the Mario Brothers put their hands in the air. Unfortunately, Luigi has a wrench)

Cop: Aaahh! He's got a wrench! Take him down! (The cops fire on Luigi)

Mario: Nooo!

Luigi: Ahh! Mama mia!

(Luigi slumps down, chokes, and dies.)

Mario: He's-a marinating in his own Ragu. You killed-a my brother You sons of-a bitches!

(The angered Mario whisks out a machine gun and opens his gunfire at the cops and the police cars. He shoots down a helicopter, which crashes into a building. Suddenly, reinforcements arrive.)

Mario: You'll never take me alive! You mother-- ugh! (They open their gunfire on him. Mario collapses and dies as his blood spills out onto the sidewalk. The screen fades to black.)

(Meanwhile, Yoshi is driving on his Kart and comes to the fork from the beginning. He chooses the left path.)

Yoshi: Mmm... Raccoon City sounds lovely!

(Yoshi enters Raccoon City from the Resident Evil series. He is suddenly ambushed by zombies.)

Yoshi: Wha...? Aaagh! Aaagh!

(The zombies tear Yoshi apart and rip off his head.)