Weekend at Mort's

That was my butt.

What are you looking at?

Smart money's on boogers.

It's not a booger.

Let the man think for himself!

I don't think it's a booger.

Who asked you?!

It's getting bigger.

It knows what we're thinking.

Huh.

It is definitely growing.

I just hope it's not that green mold.

It's called green mold.

You see it in a lot of beach towns, and filthy, disgusting, poorly managed restaurants.

Hey!

So, they had to send you, Hugo?

There's no one else that does this?

I just got mold-certified.

In a month, I'll be cleared for vermin, too.

Oh, congratulations.

Okay, gene, if you eat this mold I'll give you five...

Whoa.

Mmm.

Gorgonzola.

So what do I got to do?

Use bleach on it or something?

(Chuckles)

Use bleach on it?

Oh, I'll just put bleach on it.

No, of course not, Bob.

I hate you.

This is big.

You have to close.

The whole building will have to be tented for 48 hours.

Great.

There goes our weekend revenue.

Ooh, two days off!

Bobby, we could use it.

I guess it has been a while since we've had a break.

Yeah. Ten years.

What?

That's... can't be right.

Ten years.

You're really living the dream, Linda.

Aren't you done, Hugo?

Sure, Bob, I'm done.

Mold! Dangerous killer mold!

Floating death spores!

Everyone move!

Gene, how are you feeling?

Kind of nauseous.

A little light-headed.

Pretty good.

Glad I ate it.

You say that about everything.

Yeah.

Green mold, huh?

Yeah. You ever dealt with this stuff, ?

Oh, sure.

We get all kinds of moldy bodies at the home.

Not on the bodies.

I mean on the walls or...

And you should see the shut-ins.

Stop.

One guy's back looked like a putting green!

Oh, dear lord.

Hey, you got to get out of the apartment while the mold guys work, right?

Yeah. We're going to go to a motel.

And we're going to tear into that mini bar!

Yeah, we're going to go on a bender.

No, we're not.

Yes, we are.

I'm going to drink some baileys and unwind.

Hey, guys, stay with me.

No. I mean... I appreciate the offer, but I...

Listen to me.

I live alone in an enormous apartment.

That happens to be above a funeral home.

Hmm.

So, come on, stay with me.

Ah, thanks, !

Yeah! Yeah, yeah!

Linda, seriously, you want to stay in a funeral home?

Why not?

Yes, yes!

It'll be fun.

Is it spooky?

You mean, do I have a medicine cabinet full of corpse moisturizers?

Ooh!

Yes.

Do they make my skin soft as a baby?

You decide.

(Gasps)

It's not greasy, either.

Tina, touch.

(Groans)

Come on, go get your toothbrushes.

Yeah-yeah-yes- yes-yes--yes!

♪ Weekend at 's ♪ ♪ we're gonna have a weekend at 's ♪ ♪ eh, eh, eh ♪ ♪ weekend at 's ♪ ♪ we're gonna have a weekend at 's. ♪

Follow me to your rooms.

Urn... another urn...

That's an award I won for "best urn."

Okay, kids, don't climb on anything.

Don't touch anything.

If you do touch something, don't touch me afterwards.

And don't play with dead bodies.

Do you think he's gonna have skulls?

What do you think he eats soup out of?

Hey, do you think he's gonna have a drawer full of gum that he takes out of corpse pockets?

'Cause if he does, I want some.

Shh.

Here we go.

(All gasping)

Hey, I'm not horrified at all. Aw.

Bob: Wow. I didn't know you were rich.

Kids, off the furniture.

Well, I get a lot of stuff cheap.

Everything in here had someone die on it.

Kids!

Off the furniture!

Your room's right down the hall.

All right, kids, let's go.

No, leave the kids.

This weekend, I'm Uncle.

You seriously want to watch my kids?

(Various radio station signals)


 * Uh...

(Chuckles) Yes.

The whole weekend.

This should be a vacation for you two.

Oh, we can make it the honeymoon we never had.

Sure. You know, I got the bed you're sleeping in because a man died in it.

Making love.

Huh?

Good God.

Mm-hmm.

It's a haunted honeymoon.

Woo-oo.

Kids: Woo-oo!

(Grunts)

Linda: Two whole days off from the restaurant. Oh!

I know.

What are we gonna do with ourselves?

Well, I know what I'm gonna do.

First, I'm gonna take these off.

(Zipper unzipping)

Oh! These bad boys.

Bobby.

Hmm?

You gonna slip into something more comfortable?

And I'm gonna get these on.

Oh, are those your, uh...?

My lazy pants? Yes.

Well, I guess they come off easy.

And, uh, now I will get this guy out.

Ah, uh-huh, uh-huh.

And let the vacation begin.

What the hell is that?

It's my model.

Since when do you do models?

It's a hobby of mine, Lin.

From back when I could still have hobbies.

I just relax, turn my brain off and enjoy the thrill of the build.

The bus from speed?

Yeah, the bus from speed.

I didn't even know you liked that movie so much.

I never saw it.

I don't like to see the movie until I finish the model.

Hmm.

Makes it more fun.

Wouldn't it be more fun if we did something together, like, uh...

Like couples manicures?

Or couples waxing?

You could get a man-zillian.

That stuff is for people who are dating, Linda.

We... we do other couples stuff.

We couples-live together.

And that's even better.

You know what? I'm gonna go.

Okay, good.

Yeah.

I mean, okay.

Going to be all by myself.

On my honeymoon, I might add.

It's not our honeymoon, Linda.

Hey, look!

It comes with a little Keanu!

Hi, guy.

(High-pitched): Hi, Bob.

Missed you, buddy.

Oh, for Pete's sakes, you big freak.

Bet you never knew washing out rubber tubing could be such a blast, huh, kids?

Well, I had a feeling.

Who wants to help me glue a toupee on an old man's cadaver?

Yay!

This is like camp.

(Groans)

Tina, what's bothering you?

The wig or the cadaver?

The cadaver.

Wigs can be scary.

You know what? Why don't you kids go ahead and take five?

Explore the morgue.

But stay away from my computer.

Not because of p0rn.

This computer?

Come on, now.

What's this?

No...

Tina: "A dating web site for icians."

, you got a message.

Yeah. Well, this lady and I have been messaging.

I sent her a "wink." She sent me back a "kissy face."

Kissy face?

That's a big deal.

You need to take this relationship into the real world,.

Yeah, reality,.

"Meatspace."

Get into it.

Nah.

I'm not ready.

Ah, you're right,.

You're wh-what, 50?

Wait till you're ready.

50?!

I'm 35 years old!

Huh?

If you believe my dating profile.

(All laughing)

And... send.

What?

What'd you do?

Wash you hairpiece,.

You're going on a date.

Oh, Keanu.

(High-pitched): Give me long sleeves.

Okay... why?

You look great in a t.

(High-pitched): I don't know.

I just switch it up.

Okay.

No, no, no, make me one of those tuxedo t-shirts.

Do that. That'll be funny.

Well, that's stupid.

I don't like those.

Ah, I see you're still playing with your dolls.

Mm-hmm.

I just got back from a salsa boot camp.

I was the lonely little salsa-ita. All by myself.

(High-pitched): Eh, she's back. Hey, just be cool.

Louise: Mom, dad, come quick! Oh, my God!

What? What is it?

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

This is just silly. asked a girl on a date.

A date?

It was the kids' idea.

Yup.

I proposed a romantic rendezvous for 8:00 P.M. tonight at the elegant Jimmy Pesto's.

What? Jimmy Pesto's?

What?

I only know two restaurants.

And they have cloth napkins.

Don't rub it in.

Calm down.

Hey, she replied.

Already?

Too soon. Am I right?

It's not a good sign.

", it's a date.

See you at 8:00."

She's a rhymer.

Go,.

I mean, it could be fun, two icians...

Hey, what if you and Linda come, too?

No. No...

Yeah. A double date.

Oh, but who would watch the kids?

Right. Yeah.

Tina can babysit.

I can?

Oh, come on.

We're a little old to be babysat.

Isn't that an outdated concept?

No.

Need I remind you what happened last time she was quote-unquote in charge?

Free swim!

Special delivery.

(Coughs)

Hobo dinner!

Oh, pshh.

We'll just be right across the street.

Tina can call us on the emergency cell phone if she needs to.

All right.

You bought the ticket, you take the ride.

Come on, Linda.

We shouldn't go to this.

It will be bad.

Bob, we are going out tonight.

All right, fine, fine.

Yay!

But just for a couple hours.

And I'm wearing my lazy pants.

Okay. And I'm gonna drink. A lot.

Yay! Double date!

All right!

Linda (Laughing): Oh! I love it.

I feel like we're in Jamaica!

Ooh!

Jamaican honeymoon.

You be just in time for pasta-farian night with garlic dread-sticks, man...

Stop!

Groove with me to...

Uh-uh!

All right...

No.

You're such a jerk.

Tina: I'm a born babysitter.

Tina brings the fun.

Now... sparkle.

Hi, gene.

Would you like to play a game?

Maybe sing a song?

Uh, Tina?

Will you join me in the corner for a little powwow?

Okay.

You're dying out there, kid.

Yeah.

Everybody hates you.

I know. I'm blowing it.

Should I call for help on the emergency phone?

Hold on.

Maybe you should think outside the box.

Okay.

How many times in our life will we get a chance to wander unsupervised in a morgue?

Yeah, won't that be scary?

Tina, you don't babysit from here.

You babysit from here.

My boob?

Yes. Your boob.

Really?

Yeah.

What's your boob telling you, Tina?

I don't know.

(Muffled voice): Explore the morgue.

Explore the morgue?

That a girl!

(Gene screaming)

Sorry, just hungry.

Bobby, they're playing our song.

What?

Our song isn't "ziti tonight."

Oh, I think that's her!

? (Laughs)

I recognize you from the picture on your web site.

I'm Samantha.

Well, it's quite a pleasure to meet you, Samantha.

This is my friend Bob and his lovely wife Linda.

Hi.

Hi.

We're on our honeymoon.

Oh.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

It's not our honeymoon.

Well... technically.

Not technically.

First time to Jamaica.

Oh, my God.

Sorry for the smell.

Long day slaving over the old embalming table.

Well, let me just say that I've been embalming you with my eyes since the moment you walked in.

(Laughing): !

(Chuckles)

Ugh.

Hush.

It's their special language.

Waiter! Do you have anything bigger?

Come on, everybody!

(Singing badly): ♪ try our dessert ♪ ♪ you gotta have a cannoli ♪

Ooh, cannolis!

Let's move.

Oh, how thoughtless of me.

Tina, I'm sure you want to go first.

To protect us and stuff.

Yeah, Tina. Earn that sweet babysitter cash.

Wait, wait.

First, how about a hug?

Hmm?

Aw.

Come here, gene.

Mmm.

(Grunts)

You're a good boy.

Uh, weird.

Hmm.

All right, let's wrap this up.

Okay.

I'm ready.

I'll go first.

Like a lamb to the slaughter.

Oh guys! I, uh... I forgot who sang "funkytown."

I have to go look it up or it's going to bug me all night.

You're not going anywhere.

Aah!

Keep walking, Tina.

(Sighs)

Are there bodies in those coffins?

With all this green mold around town, better hope not.

What do you mean?

You're joking, right?

Only that green mold turns bodies into the living dead.

Uh...

Tina, you're a zombiephile.

You should know this!

I'm not a zombiephile.

I have a complicated relationship with zombies.

They're dangerous, but I love their swagger.

"Funkytown" is by lips incorporated. I just remembered.

The morgue.

Well, here goes nothing.

Tina: Uh...

(Laughing)

Every time they say something horrible, take a drink.

Bob, stop.

I'm doing it.

So, what's the weirdest thing you've ever found in a human body?

Here we go.

You first.

Light bulb.

A football.

A far side calendar.

Really? Huh.

But most of the time, what I find is lots and lots of...

Both: Tumors.

(Both laughing)

Aw.

Already finishing each other's...

Oh, my God, no. Linda.

Senten...

Stop.

Sentence...

Sentences.

(Hinges creaking)

How long does it take to open a door?

Okay.

Tina & Gene: Aah!

Smells a little moldy.

And corpse-y.

Bad combo.

I don't think we should be here.

Yeah, let's go back upstairs.

You're totally right, guys.

(Groaning, rattling)

It's locked.

Tina: Louise, no!

(Screams)

(Phone vibrating)

(Laughs)

Silly us. It was only a phone.

(Both sigh)

Hello?

Who is it?

Some stranger.

Hello?

(Scary voice): Have you checked the children?

Mom?

(Sighs)

(Scary voice): No. I'm a zombie.

Oh.

(Scary voice): No, I'm...

I am also a murderer!

(Screaming)

(Laughs)

You go girl!

You go, girl!

Yeah, mon!

Hey, I gotcha.

Come on, dance with mommy. Come on!

You drunk enough to be any fun yet?

Yeah, I guess.

Bob.

Linda.

Hugo, my man!

♪ ♪

Linda, I can't do it anymore.

Come on.

No!

I'm going home, Lin.

To 's.

Don't you ignore my lasso.

Whoa, doggie.

You got me.

(Chuckles)

Not you, Hugo!

Fair enough.

Fine, Bob.

We don't need you here anyway, you big, sour blanket.

Who wants to see what I learned today in salsa class?

Uh, guess I can go finish speed bus.

Then I can watch the movie.

Hope it's as good as the model.

(High-pitched): It is.

Keanu...

(Children yell)

Kids! Kids!

K-Keanu, where are they?

Downstairs?

(High-pitched): Yeah, probably.

Thanks.

Oh, I hate stairs.

(High-pitched): We've been drinking, huh?

You got that right, buddy.

Oh, I feel like I could pass out.

Anybody in there?

Hmm. What is that, satin?

Oh, man, that is calling our name, Keanu.

(High-pitched): Get in there!

Will do, buddy.

(Groaning)

Somebody close my bed.

I'll get it.

Unlock the door, Louise!

We know you have the key.

Nope. I ate it.

We'll have to wait till it comes out.

You never poop!

We're doomed!

Yep.

(Snoring)

What the hell?

(Snoring)

It's coming from the next room.

She's messing with us again.

No. I swear.

I did this, but I am not doing that.

(Snoring)

I won't get fooled again.

I am the babysitter.

(Snorting)

(All scream)

(Snorting, wheezing)

(Screaming loudly)

(Yelling)

(Pounding)

Kids, stop doing that. It's me.

Bob (Muffled): Stop hitting the coffin.

Oh! Duct tape!

Louise: Hit it!

Smash it!

I don't want to die!

♪ ♪

(Muffled shouting)

Let me out! Let me out!

Now what?

Now...

We cremate it.

Cremate?!

No! No cremating dad!

Bob (Muffled): It was a drunk nap!

It's trying to sweet-talk us.

That's classic zombie.

All (Loudly): La la la la la la la...

Open the casket!

Kids: La la la la la la la...

Kids: La la la la la la la...

Kids, it's your father.

For the love of God, kids: La la la la la la la...

Bob: Let me out! Oh, God.

I'm going to die alone.

And I'm in my lazy pants.

Linda hates these pants.

Damn it, they're coming off!

For you, Lin!

Now what?

Now we turn it on.

How?

Just pull all the levers. A lot.

But they look like robot wieners.

I know!

Okay!

(All grunting)

It's not so bad.

Keep pulling the robot wieners.

Whoo-hoo!

I love reggae.

Don't listen to anyone who says you can't have a perfectly good honeymoon by yourself.

(Laughing nervously)

Hey, hey. I'm not done.

I'm not done.

Let me tell you something.

I haven't known Samantha very long.

But a woman knows when another woman is aroused.

Whoo!

(Both chuckling awkwardly)

Tina: Turn that thingy while I pull this thingy.

You don't know how! Let me!

I'm in charge.

Bob: All right, here it goes.

Superhuman strength, you can do it!

Oh, what happened?

Tina: Dad? Dad?

Uh-oh.

Oh, my God!

I'm going to die in here!

Dad, I've got you.

Bob: Oh, burning. Coffin on fire.

(Gasping)

Yes. Air.

Kids, come here!

Tina's in charge!

Mmm.

(Giggles)

(Both giggle, then scream)

Oh. Now you come off.

What happened here?

My shop's a wreck!

.

Lady ician.

How's the date going?

Good.

Good!

Are you okay, Bob?

I've faced death,.

I know things now.

I know.

You don't just build the model of life. You...

You watch the movie of life. You...

You get in the mood and...

Make some ician babies, you two!

. Your name.

Kids are amazing!

Even if they try to burn you alive in a coffin, and they will do that.

Kids: Yeah.

But it's good.

Because you see your whole life pass before you as you're burning.

And every pair of pants you've ever worn.

And you'll see the love of your life dancing salsa in Jamaica by herself.

. And you.

What is your name?!

Samantha.

Yes! That's beautiful!

Are you two in love or what?

Hopefully.

Can I hear you say "yeah"?

Kids: Yeah.

Yes, we are.

Yes, Bob. Yeah!

That's great! Then, feel it!

Right? Feel it! Love!

I feel it! I feel it!

Say "love"!

Kids: Love!

Love.

Would you watch my kids for ten minutes?

Sure.

Good, I gotta go.

(Door shuts)

Nice embalming table.

Is it disinfected?

Uh... Tina, do you think maybe you could...

Say no more.

Gene, Louise, now!

Ow, my ear!

No, no, no!


 * No! No! No!

(Screaming)


 * Wrong door.

Bob: Hello, baby.

Linda: Bob!

Ah, disgusting!

I can see your downstairs dreadlocks.

Go ahead and look, Jimmy.

No, mon.

Yeah, mon.

Oh, Bobby, you big goof.

I took off my lazy pants.

Did you notice, Lin?

Yes, I did.

Hugo: God!

Care to couples-dance with me?

On our haunted Jamaican honeymoon?

(Laughs)

That's green mold!

Right there on Jimmy's wall.

What?

Do you see it, Lin? Right there.

Linda (Laughing): Yes.

Oh, crap.

She's right.

(Laughs)

We win! We win!

Ah, just put some bleach on it.

What?!