Chapter Thirty-Two

Latin lover narrator: Okay, people. Time to reboot and refresh. As we all know by now, Jane was accidentally artificially inseminated with Rafael's sperm. Meanwhile, Rafael's ex-wife Petra intentionally inseminated herself with his sperm, because she really does love him. I know, it's crazier than anything Jane could dream up. And remember, she's in grad school to become a writer. Oh, and speaking of unexpected developments...

Jane?

Grandpa?

Rogelio's mother outed his father.

Your grandfather is gay.

So, yeah, mama drama. Oh, and speaking of, Rafael just learned his mother Elena is the international crime boss known as Mutter. And Detective Michael has just realized that as well.

It's her!

But unfortunately, they did not get there fast enough. So let's hope Rafael's okay. Let's begin today with a portrait of the writer as a young woman. It should be noted that 232 hours of babysitting, all of her Quinceañera gift money, and three weeks of comparison shopping had led young Jane Gloriana Villanueva to this very moment.

Now I can write anywhere anytime.

And so she took her first laptop everywhere, waiting for the muse to strike. And she waited. And still waiting. Seriously, anytime, muse. She's ready. And just when she was beginning to feel defeated, there it was. That's when Jane learned a very important lesson. You never know when inspiration will strike. And let me tell you, when it happens... there's nothing quite like the rush of finding the flow. A night like this is just the best feeling in the world. Well, to a woman who's never had s*x.

Ah!

♪ ♪

Because I finally cracked my novel.

I tried, like, ten different openings.

And then last night, it just came in, like, a rush.

Xiomara: Yay, yay, yay!

Why are you so happy?

Because you cracked your novel.

And after last night, Rogelio finally sees his mother for the master manipulator she is.

Ah, yes, last night.

You don't.

I do.

Mom.

Come. Let's check in on the master manipulator, shall we?

♪ It's another beautiful day to be Rogelio ♪ ♪ Wake up, Rogelio ♪ ♪ The day awaits. ♪

And in honor of the first day of shooting of Tiago A Través Del Tiempo.

Latin lover narrator: Wow, she is good.

I know what you're doing, Mother.

Huh?

You're trying to seduce me into forgiving you with a perfect blend of savory and sweet breakfast items.

But it will not work this time.

Rogelio, I am simply making you breakfast.

It's what I always did before your professional milestones, okay?

So, when you say your line, show you them your beautiful soul and your beautiful teeth.

Chewel's Gum oozes with flavor.

Enough.

I know we made an amazing and dynamic team.

But that doesn't change the fact that you lied just to get my sympathy.

Well, that is right.

I-I did.

But that's because I knew that when the truth came out, I wouldn't have it.

I just want you to be happy.

You and Dad both.

Oh, and we were, we were.

That is what's making this so difficult.

I knew that your father had his stuff on the side.

But we were partners in other ways.

So why is he now trying to, trying to change everything?

Rogelio?

Please... talk to him.

Convince him that he doesn't have to leave me.

Yep, he definitely has to leave her.

Wait, where's Mateo?

He was playing right here on the floor.

Mateo!

Mateo?

Mateo?

Oh, my God, look!

He's crawling!

(all clamoring)

Oh, my God, he's crawling!

He's crawling!

Slow down, speed demon.

(all clamoring)

My computer!

No, no, no, no! Please don't be dead! Please.

Xiomara: Oh, my God. No, no. Try to turn it on.

Jane: I am. Oh, my God. I can't believe this. This is the worst thing ever.

Latin lover narrator: Well, maybe not ever. You'll recall Rafael was injected with a mysterious liquid by his mother. Or Mutter, as it were.

Where is the flash drive?

What are you talking about?

The flash drive you traded for Mateo. Who did you give it to?

I gave it to Rose.

No, she doesn't have it. Who does?

I think we can all agree that that's worse than possibly breaking a computer. But in fairness to Jane, she didn't know any of that. And hardship isn't a competition.

My mother...

Yeah, we know. We know.

Why'd you want to talk to me alone?

Because my mother wanted the chip.

The one we traded for Mateo.

Do you even want to know what's on the chip?

No.

All of the faces Sin Rostro changed.

But I gave that to Nadine to give to Rose.

My mother says Rose doesn't have it.

Oh, my God.

Nadine must not have given it to her.

That's why I wanted to talk to you, away from your partner.

'Cause we probably broke some laws trying to get Mateo back.

You didn't. I did.

It should be noted that at this moment Michael knew he had to come clean. But that didn't make it any easier.

What the hell, Cordero?

Jane's baby was taken.

I had to get him back.

This, it's...

I know.

But the chip, that's what this is all about.

Rose took Mateo to get it.

Elena took Luisa to get Rose to give it to her.

But Rose doesn't have it because Nadine didn't give it to her.

So where is it?

I don't know. Yet.

But give me some time, please.

What-what are you... what are you gonna do?

Please... Wait.

Hold on. Just...

(sighs)

Yeah. I'm not sure if we can recover the files.

I'll ask you to keep in mind that, like hardship, the importance of files is relative.

Please. If there is anything you can do, it is so important.

Th-These are important files?

Well, in that case, then I'm gonna really try.

Yeah, I guess you get that a lot.

It's all relative, you know? Look, I'm gonna give it to you straight.

OJ, it's like napalm for keyboards.

But it's okay. It's okay. L-Look, I-I've done this before.

I'm gonna go in the back, run some diagnostics.

You wait right over there.

Regardless of what happens, I'm gonna set you up with a sweet cloud service so that this never happens to you again.

Okay?

Um, heavy flirt alert.

What are you talking about?

The eye contact. The hand on the arm.

He wants to set up your sweet cloud?

Oh. I-I just... My head is not there right now.

I'm in a crisis.

What?

Nothing. I just think that the real crisis is that you've lost touch with the fact that you are a 24-year-old mom and not a grandma.

Lina.

I'm serious. When was the last time you got any action?

Virgin action, even.

My birthday?

When you kissed Michael?

Maybe.

That was six months ago!

No wonder you couldn't see the flirting.

You need a reboot, lady. You see how I used the tech lingo there?

Okay, listen, I just don't really have time right now.

I-I...

No. No. I refuse to accept that.

You could find a dozen eligible randos on Cynder while you're sitting on the toilet.

Look, I'm-a show you.

Oh, God. As romantic as that sounds, I want a... meet cute.

If I'm gonna meet somebody, I'm gonna do it the old-fashioned way.

It's 2016.

Ok. Cupid is the old-fashioned way.

That is so depressing.

Ooh, he is coming back.

Look natural. Sexy natural.

What? How?

Shoulders back. Hi.

Uh, what happened?

Not the coolest sitch.

But let me keep it a few more days and go deep.

(sighs)

But you have a hard copy, right? O-Of your document?

Yeah. I mean, I have, like, a middle-of-the-night one, not with revisions, but...

I threw it away.

(panting)

The garbage. Where's the garbage?

No.

From the Marbella Business Center.

Oh, you are saving my life. Thank you.

It's been such a traumatic day.

Latin lover narrator: Again, relative.

I hear you.

(exhales)

Can we talk, actually? Out here?

And so Rafael downloaded the whole sordid story. The injection. The flash drive. The fact that his mother was an international crime lord.

Oh.

Yeah. So I thought I'd just watch Mateo here today.

Are you okay?

I am.

I promise.

Go write.

Latin lover narrator: Which, for the record, she was trying to do, when...

Hi!

Hey.

I'm Brad.

Oh, I look a little different with stubble.

Excuse me?

I know. Way different.

What you got there, a mocha latte?

Oh, no... I, uh, I'm actually working.

Oh, am I early?

Early for... ?

Our date?

Our what now?

You're the one who suggested coming here.

On Cynder?

I'm not on Cynder.

You're Jane.

I am.

Yes, you are.

Oh, my God.

These pictures.

Wh... ?

And "rando"?

I've never used that word before in my life.

Okay, I'm never telling you where I'm at again.

Lina: Oh, stop.

Did you have fun, at least?

No. It was very awkward and confusing.

That's because it wasn't a match.

Otherwise, it would've been the most romantic story ever.

Jane: Okay.

Send me the profile info, I'm taking it down.

Fine.

I'm sorry. I love you.

Rogelio: And I realized he was right.

So, I'm going to make my mother my manager again.

What?

The Kris to my Kim.

It makes total sense. That's how we started out.

Rogelio, that's a terrible idea.

Why? She needs this.

I mean, I know you don't like my mother, but I was hoping you'd be more supportive of her in her time of need.

Jane: Hey!

Hi.

Hi, Mr. Sweetface.

Oh, my goodness can you get cuter?

How was writing?

Oh, it was, um...

Latin lover narrator: Interesting dilemma. Do you tell your ex-boyfriend about an ambush blind date?

Lina ambushed me with a blind date.

Latin lover narrator: I guess if you're Jane, you do.

She what?

She set up a fake profile and set up a date.

That's crazy.

I know.

Was it a match, or... ?

Stop. No.

Okay.

No.

Ooh. (sniffs) Ooh, whoo!

Who needs a diaper change, huh?

Okay, we'll be right back. Yes.

Let's go.

Yeah.

Mommy's so proud of you.

Yes, she is.

(fusses)

(phone whooshes)

(phone ringing)

He...

Petra...

Wait, what?

Stop, stop. I'll be right there.

Yeah. Okay, I understand.

Hey. Hey, what's going on?

The babies are fine.

Uh, there was some bleeding. I got scared.

But they're... they're okay? Yes.

The oxygen levels are solid and the babies look good.

But she's gonna have to stay on strict bed rest for the next week at least.

Of course, of course.

We'll get you a nurse.

24/7.

Latin lover narrator: Not okay? Jane's thesis. Okay, back to it.

(sighs)

(computer chimes)

Okay, take that profile down. Then it's back to work. 42 messages? Whoa. Okay, let's at least read them. That's just common courtesy.

I'm Zander. 32, into Vin Diesel movies, Greek food, and hopefully you.

Damn, your pictures are hot!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Colby here. 26.

Me: smart, athletic, successful, confident... humble.

You: really big... brains.

(laughs) LOL!

Yeah!

Taylor.

My sister has a friend called Jane.

She's a freak.

(groans)

(electronic ding) What's that?

(electronic ding) A wink? What's a wink?

(chuckles): Oh, wow. That's flattering. Let's swap out the picture... Something a little more... Jane. Now, let's see what happens.

(electronic ding)

Hey. I'm Greg.

29. Scientist.

(laughs): Yes, really a scientist.

I love books, live music and the beach.

Hey, who's that cute kid?

Reminds me of my nephew.

♪ ♪

(tapping keyboard)

And just like that, she found the flow. See? Never know when inspiration will strike. Wow! It looks like we're going on a date, people!

It's 2016, Abuela.

Ok. Cupid is the old-fashioned way.

Latin lover narrator: Looks like someone had an about-face.

And it's just 30 minutes.

I won't even buy a muffin if there's no spark.

I became involved in this coastal ecology project studying Leidyula, which is a kind of slug native to Miami.

(laughs): Anyways, after I graduated, the conservancy hired me full-time, and... and I've been in Miami ever since.

Uh, what?

N-Nothing.

I-I was just thinking about how my son would get a kick out of touching a slug.

Oh, Mr. Sweetface?

Yeah. You remembered his nickname.

(ringtone plays) Yeah.

Oh. One sec. It's work.

Let me get rid of them.

Look at Jane... surprised by this happy turn of events. Also surprised...

I've been trying to call you.

This is a report I wrote outlining all your violations.

Give me one good reason I shouldn't drive it over to the chief right now.

I mean... I can't think of any.

Because you need me to find Rose and Elena.

Nobody knows this case better than me, okay? Nobody.

Fair point. Still, illegal.

I want to know everything that happened between you and Nadine in Mexico.

You leave nothing out.

You'd meet at the beach?

Right. Once a month.

Michael: Daylight. A tourist place.

Did you hear anything?

(sighs): Nothing.

Latin lover narrator: Actually, I'm gonna overrule here. We'll take the snapshot version.

(camera shutter clicking)

Susanna: Stop, stop.

You're going to fast.

I'm sorry.

(sighs) Okay, so on the day of the meet...

She said she had information.

Rose is meeting an importer, and they always meet alone... No guns, no guards.

This is our chance to take her.

When's it happening?

(ship's horn blows)

Tonight.

What was...

(bottle shatters)

Ow!

Sorry.

Sorry. I'm on edge. Yeah, no kidding.

(groans)

You're bleeding. Sit down.

No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine. It's fine.

Sit down. Let me stop the blood.

I have a first aid kit in the car.

Question.

Do you trust me?

I don't know. Oh, you have to trust me... that's the only way tonight's gonna work.

If it doesn't... then it's on you.

Michael: And I didn't.

(distorted gunshot)

And it is.

Her death is on me.

Latin lover narrator: Damn. Nadine really got under his skin.

So please... don't go to the chief.

Not yet.

Jane: I just need more time.

I've never had to ask for an extension before.

I just... can't seem to get my rhythm back.

Okay.

A story.

Hmm?

I have one.

To put this in perspective.

Ernest Hemingway's wife went to visit him in Switzerland, and she took a big, green briefcase of all of her husband's manuscripts because there was a publisher that was interested.

At a train stop she got up to get a glass of water, and when she went back to her seat, the briefcase was gone.

Well, then what happened?

Besides Hemingway divorcing his wife.

Then he wrote The Sun Also Rises.

And the point of the story is that he never would have written that book if he spent his time trying to recreate what he'd already lost.

Yeah. I just keep thinking that what I had before was so much better.

So stop thinking about your thesis for 24 hours.

I'm serious, let it go.

Woman: She fired me.

No...

Your key card and your bill.

I have dealt with some nightmare patients, but she's a real piece of work.

What happened?

She was annoying.

Too cheerful. That's the second nurse you've fired.

The agency won't send another one.

I don't need a nurse. I can take care of myself.

I'll call room service if I'm hungry.

And what happens if there's an emergency?

I'll call you... or the concierge.

You make everything twice as difficult as it needs to be.

Krishna, patch all my calls through to Petra's suite.

Yeah, I'm going to be working from here.

I'm not supposed to work at all for the next 24 hours, so, you know, it's perfect timing to actually hang out with Slug Guy again.

And thank you, Lina, you were right about online dating.

And thank you, Lina, it's a fun diversion.

What?

Well, that's weird.

I can't find his profile; he just disappeared.

Oh no, honey.

He blocked you.

What?!

No. Yeah.

No, if he disappeared, that's what happened.

But he was feeling it.

And he canceled his lunch to hang out more.

And then his friend called and said that his... car broke down.

Oh. No...

Lina: Yep, I know what happened.

One sec, it's work.

Let me get rid of 'em.

I wasn't clingy.

You, Greg, Mateo and the slug.

Well, I do have a kid to think about.

Only if you're trying to find his next dad.

Are you?

I mean, I don't know.

No.

The answer is no, okay?

You are 24, okay?

You need to have fun, let loose, kiss a rando.

(grunts)

(gasps)

Oh, you know what?

We're going out tonight.

Yeah. (grunts rhythmically)

(laughing): What?

No, I can't.

Yes, you can.

Okay, my apron is not rigged to fly off.

What's going on?

Sorry.

Your mother switched the aprons out at the last minute.

Oh.

Latin lover narrator: Uh-oh. Looks like Kris is causing some trouble for Kim.

So what's up?

I'm hearing you hate the ending of the script.

What? No.

That's what your mom said.

(gasps) I'll be right back.

Mother, Mother, Mother.

I see you've met our new costar.

We were very lucky to steal Adriana from Bandido de Tu Corazon.

Ooh.

Although perhaps I made a mistake.

Uh, wh-what did you say to her?

Nothing, I told her a little lip wax would go a long way.

(gasps)

Ooh, diva.

Adriana, please wait.

Wait. Sor...

She comes on a little strong, but she's well-intentioned.

She's not gonna be around, is she?

Don't worry, I'll talk to her.

I'll take care of it.

I hope so.

Or Tiago might have to travel through time to find himself a new costar.

(gasps)

Is that a new "or else" look?

Yes, I have recently added it to my repertoire.

Is it threatening?

Extremely.

Good.

How was work?

Fine.

Perfect, in fact.

(gasps)

What happened to your neck?

Oh. Nothing.

You have a rash.

Might be the new foundation they're using.

You sure everything's okay?

You seem tense.

I would tell you about it, but I know you're biased and have a bone to pick with my mother, so I don't feel comfortable sharing with you.

Come on.

I feel bad.

I-I messed up.

Tell me what's happening.

She's driving everyone crazy.

I have to give Adriana an extended close-up just to keep her from quitting.

Okay, so talk to your mom.

Tell her to tone it down a bit.

(Mateo fusses)

Coming, Mateo.

Where's Jane?

She actually went out.

Like, to a bar.

Latin lover narrator: Which brings us here. Like, to a bar.

All right, where are all these exciting prospects I was promised?

Have two more drinks, and they'll start to appear.

Let's take a shot then. For efficiency.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Okay. Don't look now, What? but over your left shoulder is the guy from the computer store.

Oh.

Stop. Be subtle.

Okay.

Mm.

Hey, computer guy?

What?

What are you doing?!

Come on.

What are the odds? He's here, you're here, and he's perfect fling material.

Dax, hi!

We met at the computer store. The orange juice.

Orange juice.

Yes. That's right.

How's my computer looking?

Uh, am I wearing a lanyard around my neck?

(laughs) No.

Actually, we're all gonna hit the skate park in a few. You should come with.

Latin lover narrator: Yeah. No way she's going to a skate park.

You want to stay low on the board.

Uh-huh.

And just feel it out.

You're not that high off the ground, so if you fall, no biggie.

Ready?

Yup, I'm ready.

You're sure? Hop on.

Yeah.

Okay.

(laughs)

Good. Good.

You feeling it?

Maybe a little?

Great. Now, now, you want to carve it out.

I don't even know what that means.

Oh. Hold on. Okay.

You're a natural!

I am?

Slow down. Slow down. No. Wait.

Rafael: What now?

More crackers, please.

Without sesame seeds.

Oh, and water.

(sighs)

Wow. Seriously?

What? With the attitude?

Look, if you don't want to be here, you can leave.

I can't leave, because you fired the nurses.

I had to.

Had to? What do you mean, you had to?

I had to. They kept smiling at me and saying "Don't worry. You're gonna be fine."

That's what they said the last time, and it wasn't fine!

Latin lover narrator: I should point out what's unspoken between them right now.

I get it.

I'll get you your water and crackers, okay?

Okay.

All right. We're all good.

You know, I've never actually seen someone catch air their first time up.

I didn't mean to go so high.

Well, you can't let the fear of falling keep you from flying.

That is so true.

Latin lover narrator: And I should point out, there's something unspoken here, too.

(camera shutter clicks)

Hmm.

Well, it's all good.

Thanks, Doc.

Now, wait. You're shivering.

(sighs softly)

I didn't see that coming.

Well, then you weren't paying attention.

I had fun tonight.

Is it over?

(laughter)

Maybe we can continue this on a weekend.

Mm.

This Saturday?

Oh, Saturday I can't.

I'm going out of town with my girlfriend.

(grunts) XIOMARA: You're kidding.

Jane: But I mean, I'm mostly mad at myself.

I actually started imagining weekends at the skate park, because... I don't know how to do this.

What?

Date with a kid.

I mean, how often do I bring him up, and in what context, because the moment you do, it gets serious real quick, you know? What?

You've always been serious.

I mean, you were gonna marry your first-grade boyfriend.

My point is, you're a relationship person.

Yeah. I am.

You know, and the thought of going through all this again.

Trying to find the right person, going on so many terrible dates.

Till one isn't terrible...

And then what?

I have to start over again with someone? It just sounds so exhausting. I just want to skip to the end.

Xiomara: So maybe you're not ready yet. Why force it?

(phone chimes)

Maybe you're right.

You know, I have Mateo and my thesis.

I have enough going on right now.

I'm sorry. I got to go see Rogelio. Apparently, his mom is driving him crazy.

You had a shadow across your face!

I am going to talk to the cinematographer. Again.

Mom!

(sucks air through teeth, grunts)

Deep breaths.

You can handle it.

I can't.

I'm gonna have to fire my mother.

Rogelio.

You think I want to do this?

But there's no other option.

Latin lover narrator: Which brings us here. Now.

I told them you don't pop in peach.

It's actually more of a coral, and I do look good in it.

Mom, this is not working.

I thought it was a good idea to have you here, but you're just too... present.

And opinionated.

I don't understand.

Isn't that why you asked me here?

For my opinions?

No.

I-I asked you here because you were struggling.

And I wanted you to have something to occupy your time.

Oh. (chuckles)

I'm so sorry.

No, no. Say no more.

I am a professional.

I know how show business works.

It's fine.

It's fine.

♪ ♪

Well... I remembered a sentence.

Just the one sentence.

(sighs)

Hmm?

Abuela...

I got it.

And, you know... there are some older people that Internet-date.

I can always sign you up.

Are you kidding?

With that dress you wore at the baptism?

(laughs)

(footsteps approaching)

You okay?

Well, my son just fired me.

So... not great.

Okay, look.

So you know, I... I made him do it.

So blame me, okay? Not him.

You're lying through your teeth.

What?

No, I'm not.

Xiomara...

I overheard you two.

I'm gonna have to fire my mother!

Rogelio (over earphones): You think I want to do this?

Rogelio!

But there's no other option.

No. Absolutely no.

You don't fire your mom.

But I appreciate the effort.

(softly): I'll be okay.

I know you will be.

And I know it's scary starting over, but... we're here.

Okay? All of us.

(sighs heavily)

Latin lover narrator: Also figuring out her next step...

Okay.

I'm putting in everything.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Oh.

Okay, so then the Web site takes all this information and comes up with...

(phone whooshes)

A text.

Even better.

My computer.

When suddenly, and I should say, quite without warning...

♪ ♪

there it was. The spark.

♪ ♪

Man: Miss.

Last stop.

Got to get off.

See, it's true what they say... or what I said earlier. You never know when inspiration's going to strike.

(distorted gunshot)

(sighs)

(ship's horn blows, bottle shatters)

What was...

Ow!

Nadine: Oh, you have to trust me... That's the only way tonight's gonna work.

If it doesn't... then it's on you.

You have to trust me... That's the only way tonight's gonna work. If it doesn't...

(ship's horn blows)

What was...

Ow!

Then it's on you.

It's on you.

(takes deep breath)

(exhales)

(inhales)

(groans, pants)

(takes deep breath)

Latin lover narrator: Like I said, Nadine really got under his skin.

Hey.

(gasps)

Xiomara: Hey.

Your computer.

(relieved sigh) They got all the files back.

Thank you.

And guess who else is back?

Oh. Glad you came, Liliana.

Well, of course I came.

I am the one who suggested that this last scene be rewritten.

I want to see the results.

♪ ♪

Manuel.

And speaking of pride...

Director: And action!

♪ ♪

Disculpe.

(all shouting)

(siren wailing)

(voice-over): La policia!

It was on me, literally.

Armstrong: What is that?

Michael: A computer chip.

Nadine left it with me, and I-I didn't know I had it.

Liliana: Honestly,

I don't know what I am going to do next.

But I'll figure something out.

(chuckles): I am... resilient, if nothing else.

I know you are.

And, uh...

I want to give you this.

Since I no longer need it.

For Xiomara.

You know... you found a good woman.

I think you should marry her.

Now, go back to your telenovela.

Latin lover narrator: And we should return to ours.

♪ ♪

(chuckles) "Natasha"?

It's a good name.

Like Boris and Natasha?

Fine. Throw it out. Next.

Oh, I like that.

This was at the top of my list.

Show me.

Yes.

(whispers): Oh, I love this.

Let's see them together.

♪ ♪

I like that.

Wow, it's starting to feel real.

♪ ♪

My mother's a monster.

But you're not.

(keyboard clacking)

Latin lover narrator: I know what you're thinking. Who's Pablo Alonso Segura?

Jane: I wanted the love story to start right there.

Completely unexpected but inevitable at the same time.

I love it.

Yeah?

Yeah, there's no wonder you went crazy looking for your chapter; it's great.

Well, no, I actually wrote that on the bus.

It's a lot better than what I had before.

Uh, I'm gonna be sure and tell my nephew that next time he cries because his little brother crushed his tower.

Oh, how old are your nephews?

Three and five.

Man, I can't get enough of those little guys.

(chuckles)

Uh, have you read this?

That is one of my favorite books.

Me too.

Read it every year.

(chuckles)

I was going to recommend it for the magical realism.

Hmm.

Is that a grilled cheese sandwich?

Your brains are so hot.

♪ ♪

(gasps)

Latin lover narrator: Wow, okay. So, yeah, that was pretty inspired.