Tubman

1 Previously on Another Period Once a month, we have to have procreation sex with our dumb husbands. Done. Dear Lord, please let me get a divorce. We're in a homosexual relationship. I don't care about anything. I literally have no behavioral standards at all. My name is Celine, madam. Servant, your name is Chair now. I think the Commodore is having an affair. You need to know your place! - It's downstairs! - [screaming] Someone wrote an expose about our family. They called us "The Modern Pigs"! I cannot have this scandal! You're banished from Bellacourt! Hey, it's the Pig Sisters. I never met anyone famous before. Famous? Forget trying to get accepted into society. We're going to get famous. Yeah! I'm money I want the money, I want the fame I want the whole world to know my name this is mine, I got to get it I got to get it, got, got to get it "Another Period" [giggling] It's been a pretty wild ride since the "Modern Pigs" came out. At first, everyone new our names. It gave us adoration, glamour, and most of all, dignity. Unfortunately, we live in the fast-paced world of the bimonthly news cycle, so we're yesterday's news. Yes, a white child lost his hand at the tuna cannery, and now that's all the press is covering and we're stuck living here in this coal mine or this-- this barn. What would you call this place? It's my home. Home for your dogs, or where you put your dog's shit? If you don't like it, maybe it's time for you to leave. Penelope, can you ask your friends to leave us alone? They're not my friends, they're my children. And it's not Penelope, it Pee-nuh-lope. Like a cross between a penis and a cantaloupe. Oh, well, anyway, Penis Cantaloupe, you know what would make us feel better? Fine. [light classical music] Oh, wow, as I live and breathe! - It really is the Pig Sisters! - Why, yes, it is us. - Oink oink! - [snorting] - Where is everyone going? - Hello, we're right here. - Hello? - This is all your fault. [snorting] Remember us from two weeks ago? - [applause] - [camera shutter clicking] Thank you. A bench in my honor. I will cherish this forever. Thank you. Why is she famous? She's not even pretty. It's Harriet Tubman from the Underground Railroad. One of the most famous people in the world. She helped free all those slaves. Huh, she ought to free herself from that burlap sack around her head. [both laugh] - Let's go talk to her. - Mm-hmm. Hello, Harriet Tubman? We would like to become famous how you are but still young and pretty how we are. Why don't you girls come with me for a nice cup of tea? According to your resume, you were the second footman at the Breaker's. How did you find that experience? Well, I was awarded the Golden Dustpan twice. Well, I think I've heard all I need to. You see, we have no need for braggarts here at Bellacourt. I trust you can see yourself out, that is, if you can see past that nose you've got stuck up in the air. Good day, sir. - Mr. Peepers? - Hmm? That was the 37th candidate we've seen. Indeed, it was, Garfield, and I will see 137 more if need be. I will never settle when it comes to Bellacourt. I let down my guard once when hiring she-who-shall-not-be-named. You-- um, Chair? Well, of course I mean Chair. Who else could I possibly mean? Never again, Garfield. Next! Well, come in, take a seat, quit your quavering. Your resume? What is this name, "Floble"? Flobelle, sir. Very well, let's start with flowers. It's a mid-fall day, dark clouds on the horizon, the eldest daughter has been dreaming of giants. Please describe the flower scheme for the home. Azaleas in the foyer, pink peonies in the bedroom, and a smattering of flying duck orchids in the outhouses. That is correct. What is your favorite type of pewter? Low lead, high silver. The lady of the house wishes to take a night walk. She needs her 1881 Sears and Roebuck taffeta gown - brought to her and buttoned. - What's the question? The question is, Flobelle, do you button it while she's standing there, or do you wait for her to go on the veranda? [suspenseful music] Well, the answer is neither. Well, I can-- I've had all the insolence I can take. Thank you very much, Floble, or Flobelle, or whatever it is-- The answer is neither because it's not possible. Sears and Roebuck manufactured 74 different night coats in the 1880s. It wasn't until 1898 that Sears and Roebuck began manufacturing taffeta night coats with buttons. So, you see, I couldn't have buttoned it, because there wouldn't be any buttons. [stammering] But if there were to be buttons, well, I would let the lady determine where she'd like her buttons buttoned because it's not up to me. Because nothing is up to me. Because I am just a servant. Any further questions, sir? Just one. When can you start? I already have. Don't touch. Oh, nice warm cup of chicory tea. Sit the fuck down! You want the secret to my success? - Yes. - Huh? - Yes. - Yes, please. - Well, I can teach you. - You can? Yes, but first where is my money? - Where is my money? - We don't have any money. But we do have some walking-around gold. Walking-around gold? All aboard, bitches! Next stop, Tubman Town. I cut my own checks I don't need the bank Commodore, speaking as your lawyer, even if you sell all of your assets in the west, you are still going under. What else can I possibly sell? The Imaginarium? The October house in Prague? The December house in Prague? My beautiful, yet impractical, diamond underpants? Sir, what about Hortense? We could put a bow on her. You can put a turd on a bun, but the jig is up after the first bite. I am sorry, sir, but you are nearly broke, and this shit sandwich may be your last hope. No one wants to do business with a man whose wife eats opium. And I dare get started on the mistress. Enough! [somber music] You leave her out of this! Celine. My sweet Celine! Hello, Chair. I was just checking on you. I wanted to make sure that you were all right. You did this to her. Blanche, you did it. No, no, no, it wasn't me, it was you. No, you did it. What? No. You're a bad, bad girl, Blanche. No, no, no, please. I don't-- I don't want to go to jail! Oh, your life is over, Blanche. That is, unless she never wakes up. [tense music] Oh, no, no, no, no, no. There you go. There you go! [gasps] Oh, my God! Her water just broke! Look at her! If only she were different in every way. She's your only shot at saving the fortune. Speaking of shots, I'm still conscious. Peepers, let's change that. Your father needs to marry you off. - No. - To save the family. Never! I just don't think it's going to work. It will not work because I refuse to cooperate-- - You might be right. - with no ideas of her own You know, she's not only just toothy, she's lippy too. whose sole purpose on Earth is to please men, like Lillian and Beatrice! Sorry you can't just marry them off twice! Now, I don't know if you've been listening, but she's talking nonstop. Peach, wire the Pope. I have an idea. I just want the money I just want the money How do you think I became the Moses of my people? You think they just started calling me that on their own? We've never really thought about other people ever, so I don't know. Well, honey child, I thought of that shit, mm-hmm. You ever hear of Jelson Paramour? - No. - Exactly. Jelson freed more slaves than anybody in history, but he didn't know a thing about branding. He wanted to call it the "Slave Connection. " Ugh. But slavery had such a negative connotation. Why? So I said to him, "Let's make it about trains. " White folks love themselves some trains. We really do. [giggles] 20 years later, I'm a legend. Someday, they'll even put me on money. We love money. And Jelson? Threw himself in front of a train. [both gasp] Very ironic. It is funny. [laughs] Thank you for showing me around. I'm sure you have a lot more important things to be doing. Oh, I most certainly do. I basically run the entire household. Hello. [slurps] Mmm. Bit more saffron. Uh, I was sanitizing the chamber pots. Yes. Well, a bit more saffron will do it. Where's Mr. Peepers? Um, don't you mean, "Where's Mr. Garfield?" Chair has gone into labor! Where's Mr. Peepers? Please help me! 'Cause I can't do that! I can't do it! Listen to me, Flobelle! Flobelle. Her first job is to deliver baby. That will be good. There is no problem! turn up, turn up, turn up turn up the bass [light classical music] It's a good thing it's chilly out, otherwise, I'd need a bigger canvass. [both giggling] Gentlemen [clear throat] I'm afraid I have some bad news. Oh, I swear, if opera diva Jenny Lind is dead, - I will kill myself! - Don't tell me Hamburg hats are out of style. I just bought four! Will you two shut up? The time has come for you to leave Bellacourt for good. No, no, no, don't kick us out! I can't go back to Lower Bavaria! - Unless - Unless what? Unless you agree to grant annulments to Lillian and Beatrice. We've been married for 20 years. Who's gonna give us an annulment? The Pope owes me a favor. Remember when I allowed those displaced priests to stay here? How could I forget? I know this must be difficult for you. But think of the family. both: Annulment! Annulment! Annulment! - [giggling] - Oh, very good. If we gonna develop the Bellacourt brand, we need to figure out what you're good at. Well, my personal talent is that I can make anyone cry in under 60 seconds. Oh, 30 if they're a widow. And mine is that I've assigned a color to every letter in the alphabet. A is red, B is blue, C is 11 that's as high as I can go. Uh, I have an idea. I'll say a word, and I want you to say the first thing that comes to your mind, okay? - Okay. - Passion. - Diamonds. - Incest. Love. - Diamonds. - Incest. Success. - Diamonds. - Incest baby. Ooh, um, I think we're on the wrong track, here. Oh, I get it. Because of trains. Oh! [both laughing] Maybe we need to go the humanitarian route. Find a cause that you two can get behind. But there's no good causes left. Everything's perfect. Women don't have to vote, we can drink as much as we want, and children can work just as much as anyone else. Ugh, she's right. There's no problems left in the world. You're so lucky you had slavery. [hip-hop music] damn son - Come on, get this-- - Can you give me this? No, stop! You're gonna crush it! Ah! Oh, I'm sorry, Chair. Push! Push on the belly, just-- I don't think you're supposed to push on the belly. Yes, push it down, and it'll pop right out. Okay. [grunting] It's not working! Pull-- pull her down! We need to open her legs. Everything is beautiful. Here comes your baby. Maybe if we, like, pump like a bicycle, we'll pump it out. Yes! Yes. - Oh, Flobelle. - I think this is gonna work. There you go, Chair. Here comes the baby. Oh. - Yes, hi, Dr. Goldberg. - Garfield. Wait, doctor? You're a doctor? - Why aren't you doing this? - No, no, no. I'd probably just muck everything up, what with my years of intensive medical training, my degree in the medical field-- Why are you being so passive-aggressive? I'll tell you what. You keep delivering the baby, I'll go downstairs, grab some Borax and cleaning utensils, and I'll scrub the floors! We're gonna kill them both! - Please! - Please what? - Please help! - Doc-- - Doctor. - Doctor, that's right. I am trained in the medical profession and here to help. I'm going to need the greatest technology medicine has to offer-- a wet rag and a scalpel. [spits] Let's get this baby born. Now, Commodore, I think we need to discuss these donations to charity. The only charity I donate to is the Men's Health Clinic of Newport. And that's specifically for finding a cure for syphilis. [wheezes] In the last decade, your wife has donated over $50 million to various charities in the greater Newport area. What? Dodo! I'll destroy her! Dodo's ruined me! If she has been spending without your consent, you have every reason to get rid of her. Kill her with my bare hands, you say? [gasps] Oh! Uh, no. That's a bit messy. Just send her away. Right. Hobson, contact the asylum. Dodo's going jacket shopping straitjacket shopping! [dramatic music] Madam. Madam! Listen to me. You are in grave danger. You must come with me now! Oh, Peepers, I haven't come since the Polk administration. This is no time for joking, madam, although I found that remark very funny. I jest not, hireling. I am no longer an orgasmic woman. Not even the bumpiest of carriage rides can grape my raisin. Lady Dodo, please! The Commodore is going to-- oh! Leave me be, Peepers. That is an order. I will meet my fate as I choose. [somber music] As you wish, madam. [dramatic music] [grunts] Dodo! Dodo! Dodo! [gasping] Dodo! Aah! So you want to get famous? Yes. I think you need to do something that makes a splash. I like where you're going with this. You're going to be the first people to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel! Aah! [giggles] You'll be the famous Bellacourt Barrel Sisters, and all you have to do is go down the falls like this. Well, you get the idea. Commodore has tasked me with finding Lillian and Beatrice. And if there is a Bellacourt within a thousand miles of me, then by God, like pieces of lint on a freshly pressed cummerbund, I'll sniff them out. Not until I found that god-awful Pee-nuh-lope woman in all of her middle-class squalor did I discover all this waterfall nonsense. [gasps and yelps] [baby cries] [pots clanging] [whimpering] Oh, no! [objects clattering] [sobbing] Oh, no! Where are they? I don't know. No! Not the baby! - [baby crying] - Where are they? Okay, I'll tell you! [screams] [gasps] You were about to tell me, and I threw the baby. I did not expect you to tell me. That's why I threw the baby. I am so sorry. I am so very sorry. He's not crying! I'm sure he's fine. I'll go get the baby. No! [sobbing] There he is. I think he's fine. I think he's fine. - Oh! - No worse for the wear. What's wrong with you? I lost my temper and I apologize. [hip-hop music] [dramatic music] Are you sure this is a good idea? Beatrice, I've never seen anyone be such a baby about going over a 160-foot waterfall in a barrel. Oh. How do we look? Like two white women. Now get down in the barrel. Get in there. Get in there. Get on. [bottles clattering] Oh! Can I have my lucky ship in a bottle? As you wish. - There you go. - Thank you! Now get down in there really good. They'll be dead on impact. [both panting] Wait. What did he say? I heard, "Good luck!" [train whistle blows] [gasps] Ooh! [whimpering] I just want you to know if anything happens to us, I really, really loved being rich. [gasps] [Lillian and Beatrice screaming] Nooooo! My God! He's magnificent. I shall name you Kermit. Kermit the Baby. Yes. "Kermit. Kermit the Baby. " The repetition will help people remember his name. Oh, God! Girls! Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho! Oh, girls! Oh! Oh! Oh! Lady Beatrice! Lady Beatrice! - Ah! - Oh! Oh, you're all right! Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Stand up. Stand up, Lady Beatrice! There you are! There you are! Lillian! Lady Lillian! [retches] Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! You're alive! Upsy-daisy. There you are, dear. Stand up. There you are. Ladies and gentlemen, Harriet Tubman! - [applause] - Thank you, all. - Harriet, we did it! - We're alive! So it brings me great pleasure to introduce my newest venture. Harriet? Tubman's Man-Tubs. "The Strongest Tub a Man Can Buy. " Even those two pathetic heiresses survived a tumble in my tub! [applause] - What? - Uh, no! No! She's taking all the attention! She Jelson Paramour'd us! - [sobs angrily] - Shh. Come on, girls. Let's go home. Let's go home [together] Let's go home [hip-hop music] Daddy, I'm so happy we're home. Yes, could one of your lawyers draw us a Beluga bath? Not so fast. Here's how this is going to work. I will allow you to return to Bellacourt Manor under one condition. I've had my legal team draw up documents. You will sign them, annulling your respective marriages to Victor and Albert. I know you love your husbands. You've spent your lives together. - This must be difficult for you. - Mm-mm. But in order to save this family, I need you to start dating rich, eligible bachelors. Do you understand? [both squeal and giggle] Oh, that's a daddy's girls! Ooh! Ah, ah, ah, not that one. Thank you.