The Splendid Source

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and s*x on TV. ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry. ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Family Guy 8x19 The Splendid Source Original Air Date on May 16, 2010

Hi. This is Peter.

Don't get scared that you can hear my voice but you can't see me.

This is the story of a great adventure that happened to me and some of my pals.

It all began innocently enough, with my stupid wife showing me some dumb-ass brochure.

So, here's where we'll all be staying this weekend.

You and I will have one cabin, and Bonnie and Joe and Quagmire will have the other two.

Ah, this is going to be so much fun!

Hi, Chris. How was school?

Not good.

I got suspended for saying bad words.

Oh, for God's sake!

My principal wants to meet with you guys.

Should we go?

It sounds like a trap.

Yes, Peter, we should go.

All right, but if it's a trap and we don't come back, I get to make smart-alecky remarks when we're tied up back-to-back, like last time.

Any more bright ideas, professor?

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, the reason Chris was suspended is that he told a very inappropriate joke in class.

Well, Principal Shepherd, we promise you it won't happen again.

I don't know where Chris heard the joke, but I can assure you it wasn't at home.

Was it, Chris?

No. Mr. Quagmire told it to me.

I should have figured.

Was it the one where the blind man walks by the fish market and says, "Good morning, ladies"?

(laughing) I told you that one!

You told me that one.

I sure did.

We enjoy each other's company.

Hey, Quagmire.

You know, you got Chris suspended from school for telling one of your dirty jokes.

Oh, gosh, Peter, I'm sorry.

You want me to talk to him?

Well, no, actually, I...

I want you to tell me the joke.

Yeah, tell us the joke.

You want to hear it? All right.

So, this chick meets a guy at a bar, and...

(muttering indistinctly)

P.S. Your v*g1n*'s in the sink.

(guffawing)

Oh, God, I pooped my pants.

(chuckles) It's funny when it happens to other people.

Yuck. That's the end of those underwears.

I didn't know what to do, so I took them off and hummed them at the wall, and they started sliding down like one of them sticky octopuses.

Well, it's a pretty funny joke, you know, when you think about it.

"Your v*g1n*'s in the sink."

(laughs) Damn it!

Wow. He poops every time he hears that joke.

(chuckles) Yeah.

He does, doesn't he?

(both giggling)

Get out of here, Quagmire!

I just put on clean pants!

(cell phone vibrating) Who's texting me?

(laughs) Damn it!

(Quagmire and Joe laughing)

Stop it, you guys!

You're ruining all my clothes!

Okay, Quagmire, he's asleep.

(laughing)

Peter!

You just pooped all over the bed!

When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real.

Hello, fellas.

Hey, Pete... Hey, those are my pants.

That's right. Thought I'd come by and see if you have any jokes to tell.

I enjoy a joke.

I don't know.

I want to tell the joke, but I like those pants.

I'll tell the joke.

Go ahead, Joe. I'm all anus.

Joe, don't you dare.

I'll push you straight into traffic.

Peter, you win.

All right, I won't tell the joke anymore.

You know, I... I got to admit, Quagmire, despite all the problems, that joke is freaking hilarious.

Where'd you hear it?

Bruce told it to me.

No way Bruce came up with that.

Where'd he hear it?

I don't know... probably just around.

I mean, where does any dirty joke come from?

Hey, you know, Joe is right.

There's a million of them.

They got to be coming from somewhere.

I mean, somebody's got to be making these things up.

Well, who?

I don't know.

But haven't you ever wanted to find out?

Well, yeah, but how would anyone do that?

A quest, Joe.

We go on a quest to find the source of the world's dirty jokes.

Who's with me?

Well, I'm with you.

Oh, what the hell? So am I.

Peter: And so began our journey to find the splendid source of off-color humor as we know it.

Our first stop was to see Bruce.

Oh, hey.

What size shoes is y'alls?

Actually, we're not here to bowl.

We were wondering where you heard that dirty joke you told Quagmire.

Oh, that one? Oh, no.

I'm not going to tell y'all that one here at the workplace.

Too dirty.

Maybe after quitting time, I'll have a mimosa and tell y'all then.

Look, you blade, just tell us who you heard it from.

Peter: It turned out the joke already had quite a history.

Bruce had heard it from Consuela.

Consuela heard it from Mayor West.

West heard it from Dr. Hartman.

Hartman heard it from Angela, Angela from Opie, Opie from Herbert.

Herbert heard it from Tom Tucker.

Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, oddly enough, for some reason.

Bender heard it from Al Harrington, Harrington from REO Speedwagon.

♪ Heard it from a friend who ♪ ♪ heard it from a friend who ♪ ♪ heard it from another... ♪

REO Speedwagon saved us several stops, as they, too, had backtracked the joke to some extent.

But when their trail had led to a bartender in Virginia, they had given up, much the way the world had given up on them.

In fact, just to kick them a couple extra bucks, here's five seconds of "Time for Me to Fly."

No, don't!

All the money goes to my bitch ex-wife!

Can you play our song?

Peter: Okay, lead singer from Asia.

♪ Now, sure as the sun will cross the sky ♪ ♪ this lie is over... ♪

We can't go to Virginia, Peter.

Bonnie and Lois planned that couples weekend to Maine.

We're supposed to leave in the morning.

Yeah, Peter, we've looked long enough.

Maybe the joke doesn't have a source.

Don't be stupid. Somebody had to have made it up.

And we're going to find out who.

Besides, this will be way more fun than hanging out in Maine with the wives, sitting around a campfire, listening to Lois tell grocery stories.

(imitating Lois): "Oh, Peter, you should have been there.

"Uncle Ben's converted brown rice was on sale.

They marked it down from $12 to... to three..."

Whatever... I don't know how much rice is, but you know what I'm saying.

Okay, Peter, I've got the directions.

Head north on the turnpike.

That's going to be the quickest route to Maine.

Sure, Lois.

Say, ladies, I was wondering if you could tell me... what was childbirth like?

Oh, Glenn, you have no idea.

It's something no man could understand.

Think of the most intense pain you've ever felt, and imagine feeling that for hours.

Lois: Well, and then, by the eighth month, I had hemorrhoids that hung like bunches of grapes.

Bonnie: And then, they said I was four centimeters dilated.

They didn't think I was far enough, but I was like, "I can tell you I'm far enough."

Lois: And that's when Chris was born.

Gosh, that's all so fascinating.

Let me ask you something else.

Have you girls ever worked in an office with other women who you have negative things to say about?

Oh, God, yes.

Oh, my God.

Quagmire, shut up. We're here.

You drove us to Virginia?!

All right, look, we're sorry we deceived you girls, but this is important.

The trail leads to a bartender who works here.

He could be the source of the dirty joke.

Hi, there. What can I do for you gentlemen?

We've traveled a very long way to find out where you heard this joke.

Oh... (raspy laugh)

I remember that.

I heard it from that guy.

Cleveland?!

Hey, fellas.

Holy crap!

Who knew we'd run into you here?

Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos.

What a surprise this is.

Donna, it's so nice of you to invite us to stay here.

Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure.

I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding.

Still waiting on that gift.

The gift was the show.

Uh, she doesn't know what she's talking about.

It's great to have you all down here.

Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids.

Somebody colored in your Jesus.

Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass.

All right, Cleveland, let's get down to business.

Who told you the joke?

A bellhop at the Royale Hotel in Washington, DC.

I met him when I took Cleveland Jr. there to see the Lincoln Memorial.

But then Daddy got frustrated 'cause he couldn't find it, so we just ate fast food in the parking lot.

I'm just saying, maybe put up a damn sign.

Anyway, the bellhop's name is Sal Russo.

He knows every dirty joke ever written.

Then that's the guy we got to talk to.

Everyone, don't get too used to being around black people, 'cause we are going to Washington, DC.

Now, wait a minute, Peter.

Donna's been nice enough to invite us to stay the weekend, and frankly, that sounds better than continuing this wild-goose chase.

Well, Lois, if you and Bonnie want to stay here, maybe Cleveland could join us.

Yeah, it'd be just like old times.

What do you say, Cleveland?

Oh, I don't know.

I've kind of got my own life now.

All right, well, if you have a sudden change of heart and you want to chase us down the street as we're pulling away, you know where to find us.

("What's Happening" theme music playing)

Okay, guys, I got one.

Would you rather get a massage from a man or surgery from a female doctor?

Wow.

Like, minor surgery?

No, serious surgery.

Like a blown kidney or something.

Geez.

Good question, Peter.

Is the man gay?

No.

Is the female doctor at least Jewish or Asian?

No, but, actually, you know what?

I'm going to take it up a notch.

Hispanic female doctor or gay male masseuse?

Hispanic from Spain?

No.

Aw.

Aw.

So, it's basically... would you rather get a massage from a gay man or die?

All right, I got another one.

Let Amy Winehouse spit in your mouth or eat a raw slice of Anderson Cooper's ass?

Sign me up for Cooper.

(gunshot blast, all scream) What the hell?

(tires screeching)

(tires screeching)

What the hell was that about?

Who were those guys?

I don't know, but I'll tell you this...

I saw one of them back in the bar in Stoolbend.

You think they were following us?

Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield.

Ah, Joe, that's so dumb.

Why would anybody be trying to kill us?

It might be safe to assume that someone does not want us to learn the origin of that joke.

Peter: We had no idea how right Cleveland was.

And if we had known what lay ahead, we would've stopped right there and gone straight back to Quahog.

But we didn't know.

(whispers): We didn't know.

There it is... Washington, DC, the seat of government for the world's former most powerful nation.

Wow, those are all the monuments I read about in school.

There's the Washington Monument.

There's the Obama Monument.

And there's the Vietnam War Memorial.

Yeah, check out that Vietnamese guy giving the business to those Vietnam Vets.

Scoreboard! Scoreboard!

Aw, what happened to your friend?!

Hey, I know that guy!

I kill him!

He cry like a bitch!

Vietnam, undefeated!

All right, this is the hotel where the bellhop works.

Hey, there he is. Sal!

Well, hey, Cleveland!

What are you doin' here?

I was wondering if my friends and I could ask you a few questions.

Yeah, where'd you hear that dirty joke you told Cleveland?

That's none of your business!

Leave me alone!

Don't let him get away!

(horn blares, tires squeal)

Hop on!

Where did he go?!

I think he went that way, past the Reflecting Pool!

Damn! He's nowhere in sight.

I'll ask these fellas. Maybe they've seen him.

Excuse me, have you seen...?

H... H... Hold on a second. I'm trying...

Hold on a sec. Hey, pal, stop talking while I'm talking, all right?

You want a sandwich full'a knuckles? Do ya?

All right, that's it.

Cleveland, you take Cleveland.

Joe, you take Joe.

Quagmire, you take Quagmire and I'll get Fatty McLoudmouth.

It's no use, Peter.

We've lost him.

Peter: Our journey had abruptly ended, and the trail had gone cold.

Well, I guess we're never gonna find the source of that joke.

I guess there's nothing to do now but head back home.

Stop right where you are!

(all gasp)

Down on the ground!

Peter: We were all terrified that this would prove to be an unexpected end to our journey.

But little did we know, our journey was far from over.

(grunting)

Aah! Aah!

Ooh! Oh!

All right, did you get the parking validated?

Ugh! No.

(sighs) That was the whole reason we walked through Crate & Barrel.

We'd been captured, tied up and kidnapped.

And as if that weren't bad enough, we found ourselves on a plane, headed to an unknown destination.

Where the hell are they takin' us?

I don't know, but I got a bad feeling.

(baby cries)

(sighs) Every plane.

Every plane there's gotta be a crying baby and a mother ignoring it.

Yes, he's crying. Babies cry.

Peter: After flying for what seemed like hours, we found ourselves approaching a strange island on the horizon.

(tires screech)

What the hell is this place?

It is that which you have been seeking, gentlemen.

Who are you?

I am the dean.

The dean of what?

The Dean of the Secret Order of Dirty Joke Writers.

Wow.

So these are the people who write all the world's dirty jokes?

Indeed they are.

Hey, isn't that Stephen Hawking?

(electronic voice): So the housewife tells the plumber, "Okay, you cleaned my pipes, now get to work on that sink."

(laughter)

(electronic laughter)

And there's Bill Gates.

Is there some joke area of a beaver eating a woodpecker?

Is that something...? Would that work?

Wow. These are some of the world's smartest people.

Not a lot of women.

Yeah, not a lot of women.

What are they all doing here?

Well, many of the world's greatest geniuses secretly devote themselves to coming up with the world's dirtiest jokes.

Oh, it's been that way for centuries.

Great men such as Ben Franklin, Charles Dickens, Albert Einstein.

Shakespeare, of course.

I got a spear you can shake.

Ha! There you go, put that in one of your jokes.

Let me show you around.

From this room, we can see the entire world's joke supply.

This way we can tailor jokes to where the need is greatest.

Sir, we have a Best Man giving a toast at a wedding, and he is just bombing.

Put it up on the screen.

Jim's... Jim's so clumsy, it's like he's got two (coughs) left feet and left hands.

Permission to go to the "Bride ls a Whore" file, sir.

Permission granted.

Anyway, if Sheila was a road sign, it would read "Open Trench."

(all laugh)

(all cheering)

Well, gentlemen, I hope you've enjoyed the tour of our facility.

This was amazing!

Guys, we did it!

We found the source of the world's dirty jokes!

I can't wait to tell all the guys back at the Clam!

Oh, I'm afraid that's quite impossible.

What do you mean?

Well, you've seen our secret island.

You know about our network of joke distribution agents, like the bellhop.

We can't allow the secret to be revealed.

I'm afraid you must stay here for the rest of your lives.

What are we gonna do now?

We gotta come up with an escape plan.

Hey, guys, I can see the plane that brought us here!

If we can figure out a way to get to it, I can fly us home!

I got an idea.

One of us should pretend we're hurt, and when the guards come in to give him medical attention, we'll jump 'em!

That's perfect, Joe.

Hey, Cleveland, you got a pencil on you?

Oh, gosh, I don't know.

Oh, wait, here you go.

Thanks.

Aah! What the hell?!

Hey, help, help!

We have an emergency!

You dick!

What's going on in here?!

This man has been injured!

He needs medical attention!

Come on. Let's get outta here!

All right, let's hurry up and find a way out!

(all gasp)

Well, well, it's quite clear the four of you are going to be a problem.

Kill them.

(guns cock)

My God, I've done it!

After eighty years of work and research, I have written the greatest dirty joke in the history of mankind!

(laughs)

(gasps)

(groans)

Give me that!

Not on your life!

Take one step closer and the paper gets it.

Drop your guns! Do as he says!

Put it out!

Put it out!

Oh, my God!

It's heading for the first dead baby joke ever written!

(explosions)

Look what we did.

We destroyed a place that brought joy and laughter to the entire world.

Is that the end of all dirty jokes?

Well, maybe it is.

But Peter's got the best one ever written right there.

Read it, Peter.

"Guess what?

Chicken butt."

That's it? That's the joke?

No, this is the joke!

(screams)

Now take me back to Virginia, so I can put some Bacitracin on this and pork my wife!

Peter: It was a great adventure.

And it was great having Cleveland along with us again.

He hasn't changed a bit.

Didn't grab one check.

Anyway, that's our story about the splendid source of all dirty jokes.

For those of you who stuck around till the end, you deserve a reward.

So here's some footage of an ape scratching himself.

See, the March of Dimes wanted this air time to talk about cancer kids or somethin', but I was like, "No way! Monkey scratch!"