The New Adventures of Old Tom

♪ It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and s*x on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Family Guy Season 14 Episode 18 The New Adventures of Old Tom Original Air Date on May 8, 2016

Announcer: We now return to The Price is Right, now with male models.

Let's look at this beautiful new car, presented by Ken.

♪ ♪

I don't want it.

Peter, what the hell happened to my underwear?

They're all stretched out.

Oh, sorry about that.

Me and the guys were using them to shoot crab apples at Old Man McCratchen's truck.

We don't want raisins on Halloween, we want candy!

Hey, Quagmire, aren't you gonna get in on this?

I, uh, kind of got my own game going on over here.

All right, I'm off to get more underwear.

We'll meet back here at 2:00.

Chris, do you remember your job?

To try and get my shoes sucked into the escalator so we can sue the mall.

That's right, sweetie.

I heard they're paying 50 grand a toe now.

(train whistle blows)

Ah, the train.

Now that was the way to travel.

You remember that, Chris?

Not at all.

When did we go and get ourselves in such a big damn hurry?

Hi, uh, I'll take two tickets for the Ladybug Express, please.

Sorry, the train is just for children.

Well, what about that guy in the front?

He's a grown-up.

He's the conductor.

I don't see no orchestra.

That's a different kind of conductor.

Okay, well, if he's the conductor, why don't he have electrical tape wrapped around him for safety?

Also, a different kind of conductor.

All right, thanks for joking around with me.

We're gonna go check out the rest of the mall.

So, I'm thinking about getting my ears pierced, you know, big black gauges.

Then, I can just work at a bike shop forever.

Take the pressure off.

That's a terrible idea.

'Cause my lobes are so nice, I know, that's what everybody says.

Wow, check it out.

Biracial slam piece, dead ahead.

What's going on with you, man?

That's a human being.

Sorry, sorry, my buddy sent me a bunch of Romanian p0rn, and now every girl I look at I imagine throwing onto a table.

Yeah, that wasn't really the backpedal I expected.

Excuse me, uh, Shelby?

Hi, I'm Brian.

Hey, I bet lots of millionaires come in here and hit on you all the time, huh?

(chuckles) Do we?

Do we-do we do that a lot?

Yeah, I guess it happens sometimes.

Did you want to look at something?

Already am.

Hey, can I try that on?

Good taste.

That's our nicest men's ring.

Uh, better see if it'll come off when I ski Aspen.

Yeah, yeah, that works, that works.

I know I'm a nerd, but I have, like, a thing for rich guys.

I'll take the ring, and I'll take your number.

Here you go.

Call me.

What the hell are you doing?

That ring is $10,000.

Relax, Stewie.

All I have to do is bring the ring back when she's not working.

I'll get a refund and she'll never know.

It's a perfect scam, like Teddy Roosevelt getting to be on Mount Rushmore.

I won the Revolutionary War.

I won the Civil War.

I gained possession of Guam!

(dramatic action music playing on video game)

There you are.

We were supposed to meet an hour ago.

Yeah, I'm almost done.

I'm playing a really cool new video game.

Michael Douglas's Munch Out.

Nah...

Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.

Come on, Peter.

It's time to go home.

Not now, Lois.

I'm making ladies feel good.

Peter, I've been on my feet all day.

Let's go.

I'd stop, but Catherine Zeta Jones' big hands are on the back of my head.

You know what? Forget this.

We're leaving.

You find your own way home.

(video game beeps)

What? Throat cancer?

But all I did was drink Scotch, smoke cigars, and this.

All right, we can go, Lois.

Lois?

Mort?!

Oh, hey, how do you like my blowout?

I'm pulling down so much chotch, it's insane.

I don't... I-I'm... Yuck.

Lois?

Oh, no!

I'm alone and lost in the mall!

I haven't been this scared since the silence of the lamb.

Hey, um... let's move in together.

Say something!

...and I turned around, and I don't know what happened to my wife, and now I'm all alone and I'm just so scared.

Okay.

Do you want to go look for your wife, or you want me to finish the makeover?

I guess we might as well finish up here.

When I find her, I want her to go, "Wow."

Lois?

Lois!

Man: Lois!

Lois!

Is your wife named Lois, too?

No, but I figured if she's banging a guy like you, I got a shot.

Lois!

Hey, what're you-- Lois!

Lois!

Lois!

W-wait, hang on a second, Shelby, I can't hear you over my brokers.

Buy! Sell!

Buy! Buy!

Shelby: Wow, buying and selling?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'll see you Saturday.

I better go; my helicopter's here.

Fa-doo, fa-doo, fa-doo, fa-doo, fa-doo.

Are you still-- by the way, you have no idea what a helicopter sounds like-- are you still keeping up this charade?

Yeah, but it's perfect.

Shelby's already off work, so I'll just grab the ring and we can bring it back before they close.

Huh, I know I left the ring right here.

If you're referring to the ring that I thought was a lug nut, I ate it.

What?!

Why would you eat a lug nut?

I was dared.

By who?!

By myself.

I have low self-esteem.

We should check in on this guy more.

Oh, my God, this can't be happening!

Chris, that was a diamond ring!

Do you know how expensive that was?!

I'm sorry, Brian!

But don't worry, it'll come out of my body sooner or later.

He's right.

I ate a dime once.

It became a manhole cover for, like, three days, but then, pow!

Okay, yeah, yeah, we just-we just got to force Chris to poop, that's all.

Yay! Like at a sleep-over!

I love you.

You're loved.

Male announcer: Attention: the Quahog Mall will be closing in five minutes.

Well, I've looked everywhere.

Maybe she left.

Paul Blart, if you're out there, I could sure use a miracle.

(magical chords play)

(train whistle blows)

Choo-choo!

All aboard the Ladybug Express!

But be careful, Peter.

If this train slows to less than 50 miles an hour, then Sandra Bullock has to marry a neo-Nazi and act like she didn't know about it, and then overcompensate by adopting a black kid.

Aah! Help!

(screaming)

Holy crap!

(screams)

(Peter screaming)

Wait! Don't close the mall!

Like an actual Amtrak train, this is dangerously out of control!

That's legally defensible, by the way.

On your screen is a list of actual rail disasters.

♪ A chug-a chug-a motion like a railroad train, now

Come on baby, do the Loco-motion! ♪

Good morning, I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up, the secret to remaining upbeat after getting an elderly waitress.

But we begin with breaking news from the Quahog Mall, where a local fat man was stuck overnight on a child's train.

We now go live to the newest member of the Channel Five news team, Dallas Portland.

Thanks, Tom.

Yes, quite an ordeal for Quahog's Peter Griffin.

So, Mr. Griffin, you were going around in circles for 12 hours.

Are you suffering any ill effects from the centrifugal force?

The wind on my skin is like "knifes."

(phone keys beeping)

Oh, my God, Bonnie, are you watching the news right now?

Yes, I'm so sorry about Peter.

Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine.

But did you see that sweet, new piece of ass, Dallas Portland?

Oh, I don't know.

Why don't you ask my index and middle finger?

I thought this was a recovery day.

No days off, bro.

Peter, move, we need the TV.

Is this... is this a coven?

No, we're watching the news.

Now get out of the way.

We had a bottle of wine and a joint at Bonnie's house, and we want to watch Dallas Portland before the buzz wears off.

You chicken-heads are out of control.

Yoga for men?

Yes, says the inventor of Bro-ga.

I'm here in his studio above the Petco to see if I want to "nama-stay" for the whole class.

(women laughing)

I guess he's handsome and funny.

Oh, feel like I'm cheating on Tom Bergeron.

That's who you're all excited about?

That chiseled Adonis with eyes the color of summer's first blueberry?

I don't know about none of that, but look at that bulge in his shorts.

I've never seen a bulge in the front of a man's pants before.

You see that, Peter?

That's the right amount of leg hair.

My leg hair's fine.

I have what they call, "The Irish Wisp."

Why are we at a health food store?

Well, we got to get that ring out of you, and this is a place where people buy disgusting cereals to help them poop.

Well, which one should we buy?

I don't know, let's ask.

Are there any gray-haired lesbian art teachers who can help us select a fiber cereal?

This won't take long, we know your large dogs are tied up outside.

(women chattering)

There's too many of them!

We've got to start a chant so they'll file out into the street!

All s*x is rape! All s*x is rape!

Protestors: All s*x is rape! All s*x is rape!

When I first joined this cause, I was just trying to get this guy to poop, but now we're this close to getting s*x outlawed in the United States.

(crowd cheers)

So, Peter, where are your boyfriends tonight?

I don't know. Where are yours?

What the (bleep) did you just say?!

I'm-I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sor... I-I'm just...

I'm not myself tonight.

Lois and all of her friends are drooling over that new news guy.

That Dallas Portland's a jerk.

Tom: Don't even say that name.

Tom Tucker?!

What are you doing here?

Getting out of that wind storm that screwed up my hair and loosened my tie, but also trying to forget how mad I am at Dallas Portland.

You and me both, pal.

That Dallas guy sucks.

Why, what's your problem with him?

Eh, my wife's been creaming her spinach over him.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Since he arrived, our ratings have skyrocketed.

They're grooming Dallas, which means I'm on my way out.

What?

We can't let that happen.

If that guy becomes the anchor, every night is gonna be...

Hey!

Sorry, I still get a little dizzy from the train, but if Dallas Portland's on TV every night, my life's gonna be a living hell.

You and me both.

Without the news, I... I don't know who I am... but what can you do?

He's the flavor of the month.

But wait a minute, maybe if we work together, we can solve both our problems.

What do you mean?

Well, if he's the hot, young thing and everybody loves him, all we got to do is make you hotter and younger and thing-er!

And then they won't need him.

Well, how we supposed to do that?

Just trust me.

When I set my mind to something, anything's possible.

That's how I got myself on The Voice.

(crying): I'm doing this for my mother, who taught me to sing when I was only seven.

She was my biggest inspiration, and she was... taken from me when I was 12... in a fatal car accident.

She was my rock... my beacon... and this one... (sniffs) this one's for her.

♪ So, tell me what you want, what you really, really want

I'll tell you want I want, what I really, really want... ♪

All right, Tom, if you want to be young these days, you gotta do a wicked awesome GoPro skate video.

("Sabotage" by Beastie Boys plays)

♪

I can't stand it

I know you planned it

I'm-a set it straight, this Watergate

I can't stand rocking when I'm in here

Because your crystal ball ain't so crystal clear

So while you sit back and wonder why

I got this ... thorn in my side

Oh, my God, it's a mirage

I'm tellin' y'all it's sabotage... ♪

(Peter screaming)

(sniffs)

(roars)

(screams)

Male announcer: Bear Scares, Latvia's number-one bear prank show.

Now available in region 3 DVD.

All right, Chris, nothing's gotten that ring out yet.

That's why we brought you to this fast-food roast beef restaurant.

Uh, yeah, I'll take the Angus steak melt.

I'm sorry, are you here to poop something out?

Yes.

Okay, this line is just for regular diners.

You need to get in that line.

Excuse me, is this the line for people who need to puke something up?

I think this is just the poop line.

Cheers.

You know what restaurant we're talking about.

Ah, almost time for the news.

Mind if I join you?

I thought you hated the news.

Developing story: I like it now.

(laughing)

Okay.

Good evening, Quahog, I'm Dallas Portland.

And I'm T-Homie... with the news in your mouth!

What the hell's he doing?

He's crushing it.

Okay, Tom, uh, our top story tonight: a burst water pipe in the pediatric unit of Quahog General results in the tragic drowning deaths of four children and one nurse.

News bomb! (laughs)

I know what you're thinking, right?

"He's so random."

Boy, I never realized how young and hip Tom Tucker is.

Dallas Portland should just pack it up and go home.

What are you talking about?

Wait, wait, quiet, quiet.

Tom's about to tattoo the word, "Coachella" on the bridge of his nose.

Is that a thing?

Uh, I don't know, Grandma, sit back and wa--

(squishing)

(both screaming)

He got his eye! Oh, God!

What's wrong with you, Dallas?

Never seen a guy so young and cool before?

(coughs)

Tumblr!

I've just received some breaking news.

Channel Five News anchor Tom Tucker has been relieved of his duties, effective immediately.

Holy crap! They fired him?

Oh, my God!

Oh, well, now back to my life.

(whistling)

(growling)

(screams)

Male announcer: Bear Scares will be back after message from state-run industry.

European male announcer: Shirt.gov, shirt.gov, is only place to get your shirt.

Peter, you were the one who told Tom Tucker to try all that nonsense on TV?

You realize you cost that man his job.

Well, how was I supposed to know?

Katie Couric went on TV and stuck a tube up her butt and they threw her a parade.

That was a colonoscopy!

This is kind of your fault, you know.

I mean, you're the one who was drooling over that Dallas Portland.

I was just trying to get that guy off the air.

Peter, that's ridiculous.

He's just some pretty boy who doesn't mean anything.

It's like when you watch Mad Men for that chick you said was like a fat me.

I said a young, fat you.

The point is, you've ruined that man's life.

(sighs) You're right.

Poor Tom.

Thanks to me, he's fallen even further than Charlie Rose.

Today on CBS This Morning, we'll be talking about how much sleep you need to not be drunk from the night before.

That's not what we're talking about.

That's what I'm talking about.

I don't know what else to do.

We've tried everything.

Brian, the jeweler closes at 6:00.

You don't have much time left to return that ring.

You're right.

Well, we have no choice.

We'll just have to take a bumpy ride to the mall and hope for a miracle.

You know, Brian, this wouldn't have happened if you were just honest with women and had an ounce of integrity.

Don't pull rank on me.

You ate a ring, you worthless tub of crap.

Yeah?

Well, who's gonna be fishing through a tub of crap soon, you unemployed buttmunch?

Whoa, whoa, let's calm down, guys.

Shut up, you unemployed buttmunch!

Okay, he found a burn he likes.

What the hell do you want?

I'm here to say...

I'm sorry about what happened.

Let me make it up to you.

I'm the one who made you lose your job.

I'll find you a new one.

Don't bother.

I'm washed up.

Everyone saw what I did, and besides, I...

I can't do anything else.

I was born to be a newsman.

This just out: me!

That-that happened?

Is that for real?

That's nuts, but still, I-I want to help you get back on your feet.

Go home, Peter.

You've already done enough.

Thanks to you, it's over for me, like Billy Zane.

Billy, you're through.

You haven't done anything in ten years.

Yes, I have.

I was in those electronic cigarette commercials.

That was Stephen Dorff.

Aw.

How we doing on time?

Less than a minute.

How you feeling, Chris?

No different, except I have to poop from all this running.

What? That's great!

There's a bathroom down that hall!

No time! They're closing the gate!

(suspenseful action music playing)

Brian: Hey, Shelby.

Shelby: Brian?

Chris (groaning): It's coming!

(splat)

Shelby: Oh, my God!

Brian: Yes, um, I'd like to make a return, please... and maybe take you to dinner?

Shelby: Brian, I don't care that I was diarrhea'd on.

I care that you weren't honest.

Stewie: I care that I was diarrhea'd on.

I care a great deal.

Sorry I let you down, Tom.

Oh, my God, look!

Up on the roof!

Holy crap!

Doritos Tacos is only for a limited time?

And oh, no!

Tom Tucker's gonna jump!

(sirens wailing)

Tom, I got here as fast as I could.

So-so, what's-what's going on?

It's over for me, Peter.

If I can't anchor the local news, I have no reason to live.

Look, Tom, Tom, before you do anything crazy, you should know one thing: I have that exact same bathrobe.

Hey, Tom, the camera's gonna be on you in a second.

Before you jump, could you just hand me this microphone, like you're passing me the torch?

What the hell are you doing here?

What am I doing?

Getting an interview with a crazed jumper on the brink of suicide.

This is huge.

Wait a second.

You heard wrong, Dallas.

There's a jumper here, but it ain't Tom.

It's me.

What?!

That's right.

Tom was just trying to talk me down, and if there's a news story here, the only one I'm giving it to is Tom Tucker.

Here.

Roll it.

Good evening, Quahog.

This is Tom Tucker atop a roof, where a local crazy person is preparing to end it all.

Bonnie!

Tom Tucker's back on the news!

Oh, here you are.

Tom Tucker's back...

I know.

Honey, I'm back on TV.

No, Billy, that's Tom Tucker.

Aw.

What's going on?

Don't worry about it, just get those pants off.

Oh, your hair is amazing.

Tell us, crazy person, why are you doing all this?

I'll tell you why.

I'm doing this because I ruined a guy's life... and I feel awful about it.

It's the only thing I can think of to make things right.

Well, whoever this guy is, I'm sure he appreciates what you're trying to do for him.

I think I speak for all our viewers when I say, don't do this.

Please.

Come down off this ledge with me.

You got it.

If that's what the most trusted newsman in Quahog wants.

Aah! Pigeon!

(Tom yells)

(Tom thuds, groans)

It's fine.

He landed on people.

Well, I'm glad your crazy stunt worked out and Tom Tucker is back at Channel Five.

Yeah, apparently, when he interviewed me up on that roof, the ratings were so huge, they made him anchor again.

That's great to hear, because...

Man (distant): Lois! Lois!

I-Is somebody calling my name?

Lois!

I don't think so, no.

Lois, I'm rich!

Now I think I do hear something.

I should probably go see what he wants.

I know I'm a nerd, but I have, like, a thing for rich guys.

Oh, boy, she's getting in his helicopter.

Fa-doo, fa-doo, fa-doo, fa-doo, fa-doo, fa-doo, fa-doo, fa-doo, fa-doo...

Well, I'm big enough to admit when I'm wrong.

(jazzy instrumental version of theme song playing)