The Starving Games

1 Hey, Kantmiss! I am the great and powerful-- Aah! Dale! Just wanted to surprise you. You made me miss my shot. Ow. Son of a bitch! My back! Look what I got. Is it real? Ohh! Psych! It's gag bread! Look at you. Right. You know... we could run away from here. We could live someplace else. Like where? Anywhere that's better than here. Darfur. Syria. New Jersey. Dale, that's--that's romantic and all... but I can't leave my sister. I can't leave either. My dear, old grandma depends on me to feed her. God, I am never having kids. I mean, how can you raise a child in a world where they televise all of life's misery and inhumanity and then pass it off as some sort of twisted entertainment? "The Hunger Games." "16 and Pregnant." Good morning, hungry citizens of District 12. In today's news, we still have no food, and the weather will be shitty. Oh, and don't forget, today is the Gathering Ceremony, so, parents, please bring your beloved children to the square for a random death lottery. Thank you. I heard that some kids are so afraid of getting picked for the Games that they'll actually try to get disqualified by injuring or maiming themselves. That's an urban legend. Uhh! Get in line. Oh, come on, bitch. Ipso facto p-- Your movie franchise is over. Get back in line. Get back in line. Bloody dick. Hey, no talking. Keep it moving. I gotta find my sister. Good luck. Petunia. Kantmiss. Hey, Mom. I'm scared, Kantmiss. I'm scared. Hey, hey, don't be. I got you this. It's the most courageous bird that there is... a chicken. When you wear this, nothing bad can happen to you. Shh. Shh. No, don't cry. You're gonna be fine, okay? I promise. Keep moving. Line up! Girls on the right. Boys on the left! Welcome to the 75th annual Starving Games. Oh. Oh! Ohh! Hey. Ohh! But that was my sausage! And now a video from our esteemed leader, President Snowballs. He once killed his own mother... because she forgot to cut the crust off his PB&J. His only Facebook friend is Mel Gibson. He has an online blog that gives away the endings of movies without ever using the disclaimer "spoiler alert." What? He is... the most terrible man in the world. I don't always like beer, but when I want one, I choose Tres Equis. Tastes like piss water. Aah! Every year, I make you watch this video, because, well, you're dumb. People forget how in the past shit really hit the fan. Corporations got too big, and people lost trust. They staged sit-ins. They rioted. You elected Lady Gaga as President and her running mate Nicki Minaj. That's why we wear these kooky clothes now and have bizarre hairdos. Then I took over and separated the country into districts so that stupid shit never happened again. Aah! You've proven that democracy doesn't work, and I'm here, in my sixth self-proclaimed term, to ensure that all free will is expunged, never to rear its ugly head again. Yes, that brings us to today. Just to prove what a sick, sadistic prick I am and how you have no control... and admittedly after watching "The Running Man" and the Japanese cult hit "Battle Royale," I came up with the Starving Games. Two kids from each district are selected to play a game to the death with only one survivor. The winner is to be showered with a bounty, including an old ham... Oh, I love old ham. this coupon to Subway-- buy any foot-long for a six-inch price-- and... a partially eaten pickle. So happy Starving Games, and may the odds be never in your favor. A President Snowballs production. Now let the gathering begin! Ahem. Hugh Janus. Hmm? No? Yeah. All right. I'll pick again. Heh. Phil Mahooters. Please, Phil Mahooters? Dean Gullberry. Everyone look around. Check behind you for a Dean Gullberry. This is being televised around the country! You won't be laughing when two of you are picked and thrown into the arena for your most certain deaths. Ahem. It's okay. Petunia Evershot. Whoo! Yes! Yes! I didn't get picked. Hoo-whoo! Hoo! Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! Come on! Gimme some. Yeah. One more. Oh! Whew. But I got picked. Petunia, I am so sorry. Petunia, no. Not fair. Do not give me those puppy-dog eyes. I volunteer! Oh. I volunteer for the Starving Games! Thanks, big sis. Oh! If you never make it back from the Games, can I eat your pet hamster? What? Come, dear. Now let's pick a boy to join you in the games. I volunteer also! Who said that? I did. I'm Peter Malarkey. Oh. Hey, Kantmiss. I volunteered because I like you, a lot, and I-- I'm sorry. Do I know you? Um... I'm--I'm the baker's son. I once fed you when you were hungry. Oh, right. You gave me that walnut bread. Yeah. Yeah. I have a severe nut allergy, and I almost died. Let's hear it for our contestants! And don't forget to tune in to the Starving Games after the season finale of "Downton Abbey." Can't we say our goodbyes? Of course, dear. The Capital isn't completely inhumane. You got 9 seconds. Petunia! Kantmiss! Don't worry. You're in good hands with Mom. What's up with that Peter dude? What? I mean he's a total dork, right? How much do you think he benches? Uh... Time's up! Dale! Yeah? Promise me you'll take care of Petunia! I will, Kantmiss. I promise. Wait! Later. Shitheads. The Nike Swoosh? Yes, I started selling advertising space on my face. Your willingness to sell out and whore yourself is the primary reason I made you head programmer. Thank you, Mr. President. How is the big TV show looking? Fantastic. We've replaced Charlie Sheen with Ashton Kutcher, and no one really seems to give a shit. And the Starving Games? It's gonna be a great show. We have some very interesting contestants, with 2 volunteers from District 12. Volunteers. R-O-T-F-L-O-L. And because you made it law that whoever doesn't watch the Games would be publicly flogged, we're expecting record high ratings. Well, after last years debacle, I really had no choice. "Celebrity Starving Games" was a lousy idea. No one could have anticipated that Oprah would eat all the other contestants. I want this game to go off without a hitch. I don't want some underdog from a poor district to enter the Games and stir up the masses with her archery skills and her brunette hair fashioned into a trademark single braid, inspiring revolt which will not only overthrows my presidency, but also spawns a successful four-quadrant blockbuster. Ohh! And I may need a new gardener. I'm Stanley Ceaserman, and this is "The Starving Games Countdown Show!" Tomorrow, the Games begin, but tonight, we're going to meet the contestants. You'll get to know them through their touching backstories, where we'll manipulate you with heavily edited home video footage and tragic testimonials. Then, when you're emotionally attached to them, we'll send them off to their horrific slaughter. Let's meet our first contestant. Going in order from District One, he's the odds-on favorite to win this thing. He's blond. He's Waspy. He's the Aryan youth incarnate. He's Marco! Yeah! Ahh! Yeah! Hello, guy. Tell us about yourself. I'm from District One. It's a prime district. Who are you? I'm Cinnamon, your stylist. How are you holding up? I'm scared. I don't want to die. Ahh. I'm here to tell you that I believe in you. You can win this. I looked at your records, and you are smarter and craftier than all of them. Really? You think that I can win? Yes, Patricia. I know it. Who's Patricia? You're not the girl from District Three? No, I'm from District 12. You know, this is perfectly normal. You seem like you strong-- And now, from District 12, Peter Malarkey. So, Peter, tell us, is there a special someone in your life? Yeah. Yeah, there is someone. Aww. Aww. Ohh. Well, do tell. The person's actually here tonight, a person who is... also in the Games. In the Games with you? Aww. Aww. Well, go on. Well... it's a person I've been wanting to get closer to for a long time. You son of a bitch. So... tall, with beautiful eyes and a smoking hot bod, but... you know, more than anything, this person's got a lot of heart. Aww. Aww. Well, you must tell us. Who is it? It's Marco! Me? Heh. Huh? Huh? Let's hear it for Peter. You little shit! I'm gonna stick a foot in your ass! Ohh! Jeez. What the hell was that about? It's called building an alliance. Haven't you ever watched "Survivor" or "Big Brother"? - Aah! - When's-- When was the last time you trimmed your toenails? Ohh. And now, for our final contestant, from District 12, Kantmiss Evershot. Whoo! Let's take a look. Kantmiss is the best big sister in the world. She takes care of me. She feeds me. She clothes me. She even reads to me. Ever since Dad died, Mom's been a little bummed out, but that doesn't stop the three of us from having a whole lot of fun. From the first time I saw Kantmiss, I knew. I knew she was the one for me. She's got class. She's a real lady. Oh, my God. Ohh! Oh, my God. Ohh! Ohh! Isn't that just touching? Aww. Aww. Let's bring her out, shall we? Kantmiss Evershot! So, Kantmiss, that's quite a dress. Give us a little spin. Heh. Go on. Don't be shy. Very nice. Oh. Wow, I'm getting word that flames actually ignite from the dress. Flames? Oh! ! Oh! - Oh, my God. - Oh,. Oh,. Aah! Why are you clapping, you stupid?! Aah! - I'm on fire! - I'm on fire! Let's hear it for Kantmiss, the girl on fire! Ah,! It's on fire! It's on fire! It burns! I'm on fire!! Good morning, sport fans, and welcome to the 75th annual Starving Games. I'm your host Bob Hylox, and with me is my sidekick and color commentator, Cleaver Williams. Cleaver, how you doing? Excited about today's Games? Fantastic. Cleaver is a past Games winner, of course. In fact, Cleaver, why don't you tell everybody in the district watching, how you got that delightful nickname. I used a meat cleaver to kill everyone. Still got the old moves. Hello, Siri. Hello, Seleca. How's it hanging, boo? Low and to the left. Good one. All right. Looks like the contestants have taken the field. All right, Siri, cut to the field. Say your prayers, my son, 'cause you are dead. And the countdown has begun. 30, 29... Oh, God. 28... 27... Hmm? 26... 25... 24, 23, 22... 21... Now, it's very important that the contestants don't move off the silver circles before zero. Otherwise, kablammo, as the field is booby-trapped with explosives. Don't need to remind me. I went too soon, and I still can't poop right. How 'bout that? 13, 12... 11... Huh? What are you doing here? We were asked to perform at the opening ceremony. This is the arena. Oh, you're looking for stage two. Oh. Thanks. Thanks. Oops. Wow! What a way to start the Games! 10, 9... 8... 7... 6, 5... 4... 3... 2... Siri, more blood. Oh. Much better. Ooh! Ooh! Yeah, Marco! Yeah! Let go! I got here first! Yaah! Now give it to me! No. I'm not letting go. There is a dagger in your back! I'm okay! What? It's fine. It's fine? Seriously? You're not letting go? I want this backpack! I want this backpack! I want it. It's mine! I'm not letting go! That was my backpack! What was that sound? It's the cannon. They shoot it off to announce whenever someone is killed. Nice. Looks like the odds just got better for me, then. My balls! Oh! That has got to hurt. Let's see an instant replay. My balls! My balls! My balls! My ball-- My ball-- My--My ball-- My ball-- My balls! That makes me laugh, Bob. Get away from me! Wow! Who is this girl? What district is she from? I'm standing here in scummy District 12, where people can't believe that Peter and Kantmiss have actually survived the opening. You can see the excitement is high, as no one from this district has won in a very long time. Yeah! Unh! Go, Kantmiss! Whoo! That's my girl! That's my girl! Yeah! Back to you in the studio. I'm on TV! Thanks, Stanley. And how's the scoreboard looking, Cleaver? Got a lot of people dead. Still, lot of people alive. Enlightening. Oh, looks like Kantmiss is making her way to the outer edge of the arena. Siri, slow her down. Ow. Now let's get Kantmiss back to the center of the action. Holla! And cue the thrilling action music. Ooh. Hmm. Oh, you want to play, huh? Okay. Siri. Yeah, what you need? Attack her with the latest technological weaponry we have. Whoo-hah! Oh, shit! Yah! Whee hee hee! Hee hee hee! No. What? What? Orange you glad to see me? Hey, hey, hey! What do you get when you cross an orange with Quentin Tarantino? "Pulp Fiction." You get it? Pulp. Hey, Kantmiss, last time I saw tits that small, I was staring at a pair of kumquats. Aah! Go, Kantmiss! Ooh, she sure showed yo' sorry ass up! You--You shut up, Siri. You shut up! Shit. Don't hate the player. You-- Hate the game! Wow! I've never seen anyone do that before. She's badass. Respect. Reminds me a little bit of myself. I'll stop now before I get too emotional. Eat my ass! Think you're so tough? Well, come back from this, bitch! Hey, guys, come on! Let's go this way! Come on. Hurry! Let's go! When I see her, she's mine. She's gotta be around here somewhere. You sure Kantmiss came this way? Uh, I know it. How can we be so sure that we can trust you? I mean, didn't you volunteer to be in the games just so you can get closer to Kantmiss? No. I mean, maybe at first, but I don't like her anymore. Really? Well, you know, back in District 12, she's-- she's known as quite the whore. Ahh. There. Heh. Nice work, Peter. Thanks. I'm gonna bust her gut wide open. This little princess is all mine. Raah! And there's Kantmiss! Oh, no. We're gonna kill you. Right after we eat our delicious treats. Huh? How can you be with them? I don't know. I--I guess I just... really like them. Th-They're so cool and popular. I mean, I'm in the high school A/V club. I've never been able to hang with the in crowd before. Mmm. Stay with us. So good. Mmm. Oh. Hey, they said they want to go to prom with me. We're gonna rent a limo and everything. Isn't that awesome? Peter, they are just using you. There can only be one winner of the Starving Games. Right. All right, Kantmiss, game over. Glammer, you're up. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh! Looks like we got ourselves a streaker. Happens every Game. What a yahoo. Get out of here, man. Get out of here! Come back here. Come back here. Give me that. Nice impaling. Yeah. He did this. Then it did that. Indeed, Cleaver. And that's definitely gonna be our Kill of the Day! Kill of the Day! Kill of the Day-- of the Day! Our Kill of the Day is brought to you by BetLife insurance. Because life is precious... BetLife. How are we going to kill her? Ahem. Uh... why don't we just take off, uh, go kill some other kids and come back later? We'll wait. She has to come down sooner or later. Gross. Hey. Shh. Oh. Have the bees land on their heads. Okay. No, shh. Shh. Those are tracker bees. Getting stung causes serious hallucinations. Or death. Oh! Ow! Ow! Oh! My ass! Aah! I think I just swallowed one! Whoa. Ooh. Whoa. Ooh. What-- Oh, my God. Oh! Oh. Oh. Whoo. Oh. No way. Double rainbow. Whoo! Double rainbow! Ha! Oh. It's starting to look like a quadruple rainbow! Oh, my Gooood! Yes! Yes! Ah ha ha! Oh, taste the rainbow. Ooh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Wha? Oh, my-- What is... Oh. Do not make any sudden movements. What's wrong? I've never seen this happen before. What are they? Soul keepers. Soul keepers! Ah! Oh, my God! Get 'em off! Get 'em off! Get 'em off! Get 'em off! You are not keeping my soul! Oh! Why? Right above your head. No, no, no, no. Whew. I think I got 'em all. Soul Keepers hold all of the souls of our ancient ancestors. There goes my sister, my grandma and my drunk Aunt Sheila. Oops. Who are you? We are a proud and ancient people created by James Cameron. I'm the king of the world! Here. Give me your hair. We'll join the ends and make love, Na'vi style. Okay. Ohh. Yeah. Oh, yes. Kantmiss. Kantmiss! Kantmiss! Kantmiss! Yes. Kantmiss! Kantmiss! Kantmiss! Are you trying to hook up with me? What? No! No, no, no, no. Um... I think that I was just hallucinating. You better not be. I'm only 12. The way I see it, if we're gonna survive, we should work together. But what happens if we're the last two standing? I won't hesitate. This competition is kill or be killed, and I will kill you where you stand, dead, end of story. Shit ain't personal, strictly business ya dig? Okay. Here's what I was thinking. I could set some fires to flush Marco and his crew out into the clearing, and if you find a bow and arrow, you could pick 'em off. No, no. That's-- That's a great idea, and Marco will never see it coming. Hello? I'm right here. Run! Run! Get her! Shit. Totally outnumbered. What do I do? What do I do? Think, Kantmiss. Think. Hemorrhoidal irritation. Aggravate with a swift kick to the posterior. Raah! Low-hung scrotum. Debilitate with concise rabbit punch to the testicular sac. Awkward metallic orthodontic corrective device. Snap rubber bands to create blunt force to the cranium. Rampant adolescent acne vulgaris. Ah. Prescribe topical acne cream. Pubescent boy with raging hormones. Disarm with natural assets. Allow to motorboat. You're pretty. Raah! Hee. You ready to die? Not really! I mean, kind of hoping I could stick around for the sequel? Huh? Huh? Mm! All right! We know what that sound is. It's the end of the half. Ah, that sucks. I wanted to see her die. Halftime with the Starving Games cheerleaders, presented by Viagra. Eh, I like it, Siri, but it's not-- it's not popping. Don't worry, boo. I got you. More filthy and gratuitous T&A coming up. Kantmiss, what an exciting first half. Tell us what you're thinking right now. First off, I want to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And, uh, I'm thinking about winning, Stanley. I just want to win. Bob. Stanley, do you get a sense that Kantmiss is aware of the frenzy she's creating? I don't think so, Bob. She's electrifying. Cleaver's Electrifying Halftime Highlights. Aah! Take a look at what's trending right now on Twitter. Helen in District 7 tweets, "Kantmiss gives me hope!" And Thomas in District 11 writes, "Kantmiss rocks, UR sooooo hot!" And Tyrone in the District of Compton tweets, "Yo, that ho Kantmiss is da bomb, she's mad blowin' up in da hood, yo!" Smiley face emoticon. She is blowin' up, and I had the chance to be on the ground in Kantmiss' own district, where Kantmiss fever is at an all-time high! I'm here in District 12, where everyone is going nuts. It's the ultimate underdog Cinderella story, and the po' folks here is eating it up, buying up merchandise with any and everything that has to do with Kantmiss or the Starving Games. T-shirts, mugs, totes, koozies and bobbleheads. Look at me. I'm just like Kantmiss. Ohh! Mis cojones. Yes! Direct hit! I'm gonna shoot him again. Ai! Cheese enchilada! Oh, that felt good. That was a close one. Yeah. I almost got you. I know. I was like, "Ohh." Take previous positions. Game on! Yay! You ready to die? Aah! Aah! You little turd! Hey! Hey! Aah! Rudy. Rudy. Sing me a lullaby. Okay. Not you! Her! Am I gonna die? No. No, no, no. Of course you're not gonna die. Worms? Isn't that a little dramatic? Damn you, Taylor Swift. What an emotional and... moving death, Cleaver. It would bring a tear to my eye if my tear ducts weren't lacerated. Ohh. Ohh. I'm sorry. This is bullshit. The Capital can't just treat us like pawns. Yeah! Yeah! Our life is our own, and they can't just make us kill each other for their own sick amusement! Yeah! Yeah! What do you say? Let's riot and overthrow this totalitarian government once and for all! Yeah! Yeah! Whoo-hoo! We take a half-pound of grade-A beef... and top it with cheese. Then we top it with chili... and a hot dog and ribs and smother it with low-cal ranch dressing. Then we top it with a slice of pepperoni pizza, with a sesame-seed bun. Mmm, mmm. Hey, uh... are we still gonna riot? Maybe later. I'm too hungry now. Then we add barbeque sauce... tomato, onion and lettuce. Then we add pork rinds, Funyuns, broccoli, nacho cheese, Spam and wings... and ham hocks, chitlins. Don't forget the watermelon wedge. Top it all off with two scoops of pistachio ice cream, and finish it with another sesame-seed bun. The 600,000 calorie triple bypass burger. Starbucks? Got a free latte for it. Kantmiss fever is causing a serious problem. We almost had a riot. What should we do? Give them more. I don't understand. The Starving Games is a hit. Just look at the trades. We could finally win an Emmy. But the show's missing one important thing. What does every successful show need to bring it to the next level? I know exactly what you mean. A love story! A lesbian love story! Wait. Lesbian love story? Who doesn't like to see two chicks get it on? I know I do, big time. But there aren't any other women left alive in the Games. Fine. Do your normal straight love story. Bor-ing. Oh, and, Seleca... throw in a surprise twist at the end, like she dies or something. I like that. Attention, contestants. Attention, contestants. Attention, contestants. We have a rule change. There can now be two winners of the Starving Games. Great. So Marco and Peter can team up to kill me. Uh, specifically two people of different genders. Oh. Okay. Okay. So I hook up with Marco, and we kill Peter together. Yes! Yeah. I like that. No, we were thinking more like you could team up with Peter. No! No! No! No! No, no, I, um-- I like the whole Marco idea better. Hey, Kantmiss, do me a favor here, and hook up with Peter. Please. I could lose my job for this. And that's my problem how? Oh, hey. Heh heh. Hey, guys. What's going on? Nah, don't worry. I got it under control. I swear. W-What are you-- What are you doing? Um... Ohh! I thought we were friends. Ah, thanks. But I got us backstage passes to Justin Bieber. Oh, my God. No. No, no, don't you do it! Right. Um, I'm just gonna go team up with Peter now, so... Hmm. Peter, are you here? I'm camouflaged. Where are you? I'm over here. I don't see you. I used my skills as a baker to seamlessly blend in to my surroundings. Okay, well, can you give me a hint? I'm in the cake. Oh. You're injured. Marco found out that I really wasn't into him and that I ultimately was protecting you. And he did this to you? No. I just got my back waxed. Aah! Oh, that-- that looks bad. I mean, it's... Oh. Aah! Oh, it's really oozy. Ow. Okay. Well, stop poking it! Okay, well, we should take care of you before the infection starts to take over. Come on. Ooh. Aah! Sorry. Stop poking it, please. Okay. Ah, they're cute together Yeah, well, I still want them to die. Yeah. Duh! Okay. Marco won't find us in here. Come on. I hope they get naked. Come on! Oh. Night's falling. It's gonna get freezing. You've got a fever. Here. I'll check my bag for something for warmth. Thanks, Kantmiss. A Snuggie! Ah. Mmm. So warm and comfy. What? Huh? You know... I've had a crush on you for the longest time. I used to follow you home from school every day. Every day. And I remember when you got your first dress-up dolly on your eighth birthday. And when you turned 12 and got your first period. I watched you shower every night, and after you got out, I would pick through the drain and collect your hair. What? You made a hair doll of me? Not just one. Ohh. That's you and me, and those are our six kids. And who's that? That's our puppy, Alphie. Woof woof! Woof! Eww. She's the runt of the litter, but we love her all the same. Ohh. Ah, you got a hairy chick, dude. I'm so hungry. Poor baby. Soup! What? That'll definitely make you feel better. Hmm? What? I--I think that they want us to be more romantic, and, in return, they'll send us stuff to make you better. Sounds good to me. Sorry, Dale. What?! Really? Ooh. Oh, come on. Hey, who thinks they're gonna do it? We do! We do! Screw you all! What is it now? All right! Peter, I don't know if I can do this. Oh, my back. I'm dying. I don't know how much longer I can hang on. All right. Let's... give them what they want. Fantastic. True dat. Ow. Ow! Can you not grab my butt so hard? I'm not touching your butt at all. Ohh! Do not be afraid. I am but a kindly old wizard. Get your hand off my ass! Right. Well... let me explain. You see, we were traveling. We were on-- We were on our way to the Misty-- the Misty Mountains, yes. And then we heard a moan coming from inside this cave, and fearing it to be a moan of distress and being the good Samaritans that we are, we came in here to help you. Get out! Yes. Well. Okay. I bid you adieu. Ooh. Ooh. Whoa! Yeah, love it! I love it! Yeah! Not her first trip to the rodeo, eh? Oh, yeah! Oh, Kantmiss! Yeah! Oh! Wow! Whoa. Ohh! Ohh! Oh, Peter, yes! Score! Even I don't get to do that! Oh, give me your hand. Oh, God. Yes! Ride the donkey. Yes! Ohh! Ohh! And it's even better in 3-D. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Thanks again for last night. Now that you're better, we have to go out there. We have to kill Marco so we can both win the game and go home. I--I would, but... I think the infection's starting to come back. Don't push it! Where do you think you're going? You can't go in there! Whoa! Did you--Ha! He's right there. When are they gonna kill each other already? I'm getting bored. Me, too. Aah! It's time to end this once and for all. Siri. Dang! What you need now? Let's have a grand finale. Send in the big guns. Oh, shit. I'll give you a war you wouldn't believe. Hasta la vista, baby. Yippie-ki-yay-- Oh. Damn it. I don't have a catchphrase. Ha ha ha! I have so many of them. I'll be back. You know what I mean, Chuck? No. Because I'm Chuck Norris, and catchphrases need me! Enh. Why don't you shut up, you smarty-pants wisenheimer piece of shit?! Let's just kill 'em. Oh. Ready! Aim. Yes! Yo, Adrian! Fire! Gah! Dale? Dale? What's going on with you and this guy? I'll talk to you about it later. I saw you kiss him. I am in the middle of a death match. Do you like him? Dale, you are embarrassing me. Go home. Nyah. No! If anyone should leave... he should. Okay. Yeah. I-I'll leave. Now, Dale! Fine. Fine! But I'm changing my Facebook status to single. Sorry about that. He's always been really clingy. That's cool. Unbelievable. What are you gonna do, Kantmiss? You shoot and miss, lover boy here is dead. Yes! No, no, no, no! Huh? Huh? Yeah. Yeah. Oh! Oh! That'll work. How about that, Cleaver? Against all odds, they've done it. They've won. Yay. Whew! Peter, we won. We survived! We're both going home. Attention, contestants. There has been yet another rule change. And if you're thinking what I'm thinking, you're right. There again can be only one winner. Good luck. What if we don't give 'em the satisfaction? What if we both kill ourselves and there are no victors? We'll ruin the Games, and we'll show th-that the Capital, they can't control us! I found these poisonous berries in the woods. W-We can eat them a-and die. Shit ain't personal, strictly business, ya dig? Whaah! Whoa! Fuck me! Best Starving Games ever! It's a nice shot, Kantmiss. What're you doing here? I practically show up at the end of every movie. Superhero movies, yeah, but-- Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. We could use some fresh, young blood. I mean, shit! Just how many sequels to "Iron Man," "Thor" and "Captain America" can we make, right? And you're pretty handy with that bow and arrow. Ahem! Uh, Nick, the, uh, bow and arrow is sort of my thing. Shut your ass, Hawkeye! You're lucky you even in the Avengers! Yeah, but-- And don't you think for one goddamn minute that Marvel is gonna spin off your character! "Hawkeye, colon, The Avenger Nobody Gives a Shit About," will definitely not be coming soon to a theater near you! Burn! Burn. Ow. Oh, stop being such a cherry! So what do you say, Kantmiss? I'm in. But, um, I'm kind of hungry. Do you mind if we get something to eat first? Let's go get some shawarma. Avengers assemble! Wait, don't step off those-- Oops. Oh! You know what that sound means? Bob's Post-Game Bloopers. Aah! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Good. Blooper reel. Ohh. Sorry. Blooper reel! Cutting! Yeah! Oh. And the wig is down. Okay. I'm sorry. I gotta get more excited about you. Let's do it. Touch my leg. Here we go. Dude, stop. Prank, take one. Ohh! Look at you! Dale, that's romantic and all. Yes, why don't you give me a little dance? On the down, not the up. That's good. Now like a penguin. That's the worst penguin I've ever seen. Do it again. Do you like watching Pygmies? Oh, yeah. Oh. That looks good. Look at that dripping. I just got my back waxed. I'm sorry. Kick. Hah! Sorry. I kicked your ass. No, that's fine. Don't... And this is my sidekick. Mother pus. What'd I say? With me. And this is... Shh. ...my sidekick. And this is my sidekick. Yeah. That's funny. You got one line. You do. Ready? And I have another Tess Tickles. I need to see a bi-- No, it's not, "I need to see." Stop hiding, and show me-- God damn it. I need a pair of Tess Tickles! Shit. For bug zapper. Contact. Contact. Contact. Contact. Uh-oh. Hold on. I'm sorry. A partially eaten pickle. So happy Starving Games, and may the odds be never in your favor. That is the worst pickle I've ever had. We have to kill Marco and win the games. Sorry. Ahh. Sorry. We have to kill Marco so we can both go home and win the ga-- God damn it. Sorry. Wow, that's amazing. That is good. What is that? It's a divine mixture of fox blood and bear. Delicious. Right? Hey! Hey, Phil, stay down there and put your finger in his mouth. Okay. We're done. We're done with this. Blooper reel. Blooper reel. Cutting!