The Hat

(Opens showing a planet with mushrooms, pans in to a close up of Sylvia)

Sylvia: Y'know, when I woke up this morning, all I wanted was a nice piece of Slarnack's Deli's delectable Jellyfish Pie.

Wander: (sticks tongue out in disgust) BLEECCCH!

Sylvia: Mmm-mmm. But instead, THIS IS HAPPENING!

(They are being chased by a giant worm. It munches on the mushrooms as they run away from it for several seconds)

Wander: Let's see if the ol' hat will help!

(While the giant worm continues to chase them, the animation shifts to slow motion as Sylvia jumps up as Wander holds his hat high, the worm charging at them in the background. The episode's title appears, freeze-frame. The worm flies past the screen and chomps)

''(Close up of Wander's hat, zoom out as he reaches into it and pulls out a pink watering can. He waters a mushroom, making it grow so fast, it punches the worm in the chin, knocking it out. Cut back to Wander and Sylvia) '' Sylvia: Thank you, hat!

(She slams into the edge of a mushroom, causing Wander to hop off her and slide across the mushroom, he stops, and Sylvia falls down to another mushroom)

Sylvia: AHHHHHHHH...! (lands) Oof!

(The giant worm is seen falling behind her in the background)

Wander: (offscreen, barely able to be heard) SYLVIA!!! OKAY, SYLVIA, (Sylvia's perspective of him in the distance) I'M GONNA JUMP, AND YOU JUST REACH OUT AND CATCH ME! GOT IT?!

Sylvia: WHAT?! I! CAN'T! HEAR YOU! (shift to Wander as she can barely be heard) MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEAK UP! LOOK WHERE YOU ARE, AND LOOK WHERE I AM!

Wander: Hmm...ding! (reaches into his hat and feels around)

(Shift to Sylvia)

Sylvia: I mean, seriously, how can you expect me, to hear you from – (A can with an antenna hits her in the head) Ow!

Wander: (On can phone) Ring, ring, ring! I said, "Catch me!" (drops down on Sylvia)

(The giant worm comes back and continues to chase them)

(Cut to Wander and Sylvia)

Sylvia: Reach into that hat, and get something else to get us outta here!

(Wander holds his hat up, close up on it as the hat's mouth appears to smile. Wander readies his hand for a while, then feels around in the hat for something while Sylvia cringes in fear while watching the giant worm. Wander still lugs around in the hat before Sylvia loses her temper)

Sylvia: D'oh, (takes the hat) give it to me! (feels around in it) Flamethrower, flamethrower, come on...flamethrower! (pulls out a yoga mat) Yoga mat? (throws it at the worm, feels around in the hat and pulls out a windchime) Windchimes?! (throws that and pulls out a scented candle) Scented candle?! (throws it and pulls out a tape recorder)

Recording: Take a deep, cleansing breath into your chakras.

(Sylvia throws the recorder away)

Sylvia: D'OH! Why won't this overgrown sunvisor give me what I want!?

Wander: A funny thing, Sylvie. Y'see, over the years, I've learned that this hat doesn't give you what you want, it gives you what you need. And right now, it thinks you need to calm down.

(They are seen running around a mushroom in circles as the giant worm chomps it)

Sylvia: I! DO! NOT! NEED! TO! CALM! DOWN! (pulls out a red stress ball) A stress ball? (squeezes it and growls)

(Wander throws the ball at the worm, distracting it. It chases after the ball out of sight)

(Cut to Wander and Sylvia watching the action)

Sylvia: (Puts Wander's hat back on his head) W-w-wait, I – what?

Wander: VICTORY DANCE!!!

(Wander dances a ditty for a few seconds, before taking his hat off, which seems to bow. He does a little waltz dance with his hat)

Sylvia: The hat works for you. Not for me. Loves you.

(Wander throws his hat and it lands on his head, he moonwalks)

Sylvia: It totally hates me.

(Wander doesn't realize he's dancing off a cliff. Instantly, he starts to lose his balance, he gasps. Sylvia gasps as well. Wander falls over the cliff, Sylvia reaches out and grabs what she thinks is him)

Sylvia: Wander?

(Camera pans down to reveal Sylvia only grabbed Wander's hat, not Wander himself)

Sylvia: Wander? (scene zooms out) WANDEEEEERRRRRRR!!!

Wander: (On can phone) Ring, ring, ring! Sylvia?

Sylvia: Wander! Wander, where are you?!

Wander: (On can phone) Sylvia? (Sylvia is sitting on the can phone) SYLLLLVIIIIIAAAAAA! (feedback whine, taps on microphone) IS THIS THING ON?!

Sylvia: (Holding the can phone) Can you hear me?! WANDER?!

Wander: (On can phone) I can't hear you at all. Are you moving around? You should maybe try moving around.

Sylvia: (growls) JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE!!! (puts down the hat)

Wander: (On can phone) Hmm – Oh! Maybe I should just tell you where I am. Well, I'm not sure where I am. It's wet, dark, and warm, and there's water sloshing all around me. But, don't you worry about me, I got the hat!

(Banjo tune plays from the can phone)

Sylvia: (Holds up the hat) I've got the hat.

Wander: (On can phone) Oh, wait, you've got the hat.

Sylvia: Just stay put! I'll come find you!

Wander: (On can phone) I guess I'll just stay put, and you can find me.

(Sylvia growls, Camera pans across the different environments based on Sylvia's predictions where Wander is)

Sylvia: (offscreen) Hmm...wet...dark...warm. (She thinks of a sloshing waterfall mushroom, cut back to her) Bingo! Hang on, Wander, I'm comin' for ya!

(Sylvia puts on Wander's hat and sets off. Not even a few seconds later, she hears the giant worm)

Sylvia: Oh...grop! All right, hat. It's just you and me now. No more playin' around. This is a matter of life and death.

(The giant worm roars in the distance, several mushrooms fall down)

Sylvia: I don't need anything fancy, (takes hat off) so...how 'bout you just...go ahead and do one of those little balls, okay?

(Close up of the hat as it seems to smile, the giant worm rolls under Sylvia)

Sylvia: LET'S DO THIS!!!

(She reaches into the hat and feels around, then pulls out a giant wrecking ball. Instantly she falls, while the hat just glides down with her. The giant worm opens its mouth, Sylvia swings the wrecking ball around, yells and drops it, it hits the worm in the head, knocking it out. Sylvia bounces off the worm, snatches Wander's hat back and lands on a mushroom. Suddenly, a mushroom cap hits the one she's on, starting a domino effect of falling mushrooms as Sylvia runs off. She holds onto the stem of a fat mushroom, but then chatters in fear as she hears the worm again. She climbs up and hides in the bristles of the mushroom)

(Shift to the inside of the bristles as the worm disappears, Sylvia angrily takes the hat off)

Sylvia: What was that back there?! Are you trying to get me eaten?! (sighs) Okay, maybe I wasn't making myself clear. We need to save Wander. So, we need to go there. Without attracting attention of the giant Zbornak-eating monster. Understand? (Close up of the hat) Good. Okay, here we go! (Feels around in the hat)

(Cut to the giant worm as it hears an alarm go off. Shift to Sylvia holding a police siren she just pulled out. She holds it in fear, close up of the hat. As Sylvia tries to stop the alarm by banging on it, she falls out of the bristle)

Sylvia: AHHHHHHHH!

(Sylvia realizes she's about to fall into the giant worm's mouth. She gets a rope out of the hat and lassos part of a mushroom, then yells as she swings to safty and lands on another mushroom)

(Sylvia looks up at the sloshing waterfall mushroom she thought of earlier, takes off the hat and shakes it)

Sylvia: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!? (pause) Now, you listen here, hat. I want something to fly! Up! There! And YOU'RE gonna give it to me! Capisce?!

(Close up of the hat, she reaches in it and pulls out a jetpack)

Sylvia: (gasps) A jetpack! Yes!!! Thank you!

(Close up of the hat as it appears to smile widely)

Sylvia: (puts on the hat) Engage thruster!

(She blasts upward, but just a split second later the "jetpack" releases a parachute)

Sylvia: (at the camera) Oh, grop. (falls down toward the worm, leaving the hat gliding in the air)

(Shift to Sylvia falling towards the worm)

Sylvia: AHHHHHHHH!

(The worm manages to swallow Sylvia, but she fights from inside its mouth and manages to hold its mouth open. Wander's hat lands on her head, and she struggles for a few seconds)

Wander: (On can phone) Ring, ring, ring! (Sylvia answers) Hey, Sylvia, it's me, Wander. When do ya think you might get here? (Sylvia keeps struggling) No big rush, but just a heads-up, the water's now up to my – (rest of speech becomes gurgled)

Sylvia: What? (gets released and flung high into the air) WHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

(Sylvia lands on another mushroom, then she angrily thumps Wander's hat to the ground)

Sylvia: You! I'm giving you one last chance, you empty brain bag! (reaches into it and feels around, pulls out a sign reading "Back in 5 minutes", pauses) GAH! (strangles it) So, that's how you're gonna be, huh? Well, fine. FINE! I'll do it myself. (crumples up the hat and tucks it under her saddle)

(Close up of the hat, it appears to look sad. Sylvia looks at the giant worm)

Sylvia: HEY, YOU NO-NECK-HAVIN', HALITOSIS-BLOWIN', DENTISTRY-NEEDING MAGGOT! (wags her tail back and fourth quickly) COME AND GET ME!

(The giant worm roars and charges at Sylvia, she jumps and rides across the worm's body, laughing)

(Song: Ride Sylvia Ride)

Ride, Sylvia, Ride

Ride, Sylvia, Ride

Ride, Sylvia, Ride

Now, Dive, Sylvia, Dive

Sylvia: (overlapping) Whoo! YEEEEAAAAAH! WHOOHOOHOOHAHA!

(She lands on the sloshing waterfall mushroom)

Sylvia: HA! (Deep voice, punches hat) IN YOUR FACE, HAT! (tucks it under her saddle and starts to climb down the stem)

Wander: (On can phone) Ring, ring, ring! (Sylvia answers) Oh, hey, Sylvia. I'll always love – (rest of speech becomes gurgled)

Sylvia: I'm almost there, Wander! (puts can phone away and slides down to a leaf) HEE-YAH! (kicks the stem, causing it to spurt out water and looks inside) Wander! (looks around seeing nothing, she sadly takes her head out) Wander?! (the giant worm roars) AHHHHHHHH!

(The giant worm chomps the mushroom cap above her, she jumps down onto another mushroom, lying flat there as water rains down on her)

Sylvia: (grunts) What do I do now? How am I supposed to save Wander when all I have is this...lousy, backstabbing, unhelpful, uncooperative, hat, that doesn't give you what you want, and only gives you what you need? (pauses, gasps) Doesn't give you what you want, only gives you what you need! (water stops raining, she takes out the hat and chuckles) Look, I know we've had our problems. You hate me, and Grop knows I hate you. But this is Wander we're talking about. He's our friend, and I will do whatever it takes to help him. (close up of her) So, do your thing, (pan down to the hat) and give me what I need to save Wander.

(Sylvia puts her hand inside and feels around. Close up of her, she closes her eyes and the camera zooms out as she pulls out a pair of roller skates. She looks at them, pause)

Sylvia: Roller skates?! (yelling) WHY YOU – (then, nicely) No, okay, alright, that's cool, that's cool, I can work with roller skates. (winks)

(Close up of the hat, Zoom out to reveal Sylvia wearing the hat as well as the roller skates)

Sylvia: (inhales) Okay, I'm ready! (nothing happens) Anytime, now! (still, nothing happens) Any...time...any...

(The giant worm roars, making the ground shake. Sylvia slides off the mushroom, falling in the area of the worm's mouth)

Sylvia: I HATE YOU, HAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!

(The worm swallows Sylvia and the hat)

(Cut to inside the worm)

Sylvia: AHHHHHHHH!

(Sylvia falls through the worm's spiny esophagus, then hits the squishy bottom. The worm burps, and Sylvia gets sucked underneath. Cut to the stomach, Sylvia hangs from the ceiling above the worm's watery stomach acid)

Sylvia: (malevolently) I'm gonna tear you brim from brim.

(She falls into the acid; camera follows her as she attacks the hat. She is unable to speak due to being underwater. When she lands at the bottom, she sees Wander in front of her, holding his breath and struggling to free his foot, which is caught in the ground. Next to him is another can phone. Both look at each other, but are unable to hug due to the fact Wander's stuck. Sylvia holds out her hand, and Wander holds onto it while Sylvia tries to pull him free, but fails. Wander gestures to his trapped foot and struggles to free it. Sylvia swims up to the surface, expands the hat and swims back underwater, bringing the hat over her and Wander. Cut to inside the hat as Sylvia is able to speak in the hat's air bubble)

Sylvia: Wander!

Wander: (inhales) Hi, Sylvia!

Sylvia: You're alive, you're alive! So that means you...and-the worm...and the falling into the...and the hat. The hat! (blows kiss) Was givin' me exactly what I needed to find you! Oh, I love this hat!

Wander: I know, right? Now, to get on outta here... (reaches arm upward)

Sylvia: (Grabs Wander's arm) Please, allow me.

(Wander gives Sylvia the "go ahead" gesture. Sylvia reaches up and grabs a slice of jellyfish pie, close up of it)

Sylvia: Slarnack's Delli's Jellyfish Pie? What the –

(Wander sticks his tongue out disgusted and makes regurgitating noises, before pointing to his mouth. Sylvia smiles, then drops the pie into the water)

(Camera shifts to outside as the worm stops what it's doing and coughs, causing the water with Wander and Sylvia to shake. Instantly, both Wander and Sylvia travel up the esophagus, and the worm spits them out in the hat)

(Camera shifts to an overview of the planet as the hat with Wander and Sylvia in it blasts upward covered in watery stomach acid)

Wander/Sylvia: WHOOOOAAAAAAAA!!!!!

(Cut to a golden moon planet as Wander and Sylvia bounce out of the hat, acid coated. They land, and Wander's hat lands on its rightful owner)

Wander: (looks over at something) Look, Sylvia, we made it!

(Widen to reveal the Slarnack's Famous Deli restaurant)

Wander: Slarnack's Deli!

(Both he and Sylvia rush up to the entrance. Sylvia is overjoyed, but this does not last long. Scene zooms to a sign on the door reading "Sorry, we're closed". Sylvia's mood changes, and she hangs her face dumbfounded. Wander hugs and pats her, along with his hat which appears to smile)

Sylvia: I hate that hat.