My Fair Ed

[The episode opens with various foodstuffs flying about Edd's kitchen.] Ed: "If only we had a sack of potatoes." [A sack of potatoes lands on the floor.] Eddy: "It's mine, Ed!" ''[Eddy grabs the bag and drags it off-screen. The potatoes fly out, followed by the sack.]'' Ed: "Eggs eggs eggs eggs eggs eggs." [Edd enters, carrying a sack of groceries.] Edd: "I'd really like to thank you fellows for helping me carry in the–" [He spots the pandemonium.] "–groceries?" Eddy: [pulling out a jar] "You've gotta be kidding me! Reconstituted fava bean paste?" Edd: "Excuse me, but if you must know, fava beans are high in protein. And quite delectable on saltines." Eddy: "What else you got?" [He pulls out bacon.] "What's this stuff? Where's the junk food?" Edd: "Look, I appreciate yours and Ed's help, but–" [He looks around.] "Where's Ed?" Ed: [bursting out of a bag of vegetables] "I say tomato!" Eddy: "Yeah? Well I say you're an idiot!" [Eddy squeezes the bag, sending Ed skyward.] Edd: "Gentlemen, please!" Ed: [flipping] "Alley-oop!" ''[He starts coming down, heading for a bag of fruits. Edd pulls them away.]'' Edd: "Have you two lost your senses? You could have bruised my bananas!" Eddy: [fumbling in a bag] "Oh Ed. Wanna try some–" [evilly] "broccoli?" [He pulls out the food.] Ed: "No! Not the broccoli!" Edd: "Eddy, show my produce some respect." Eddy: "C'mon, Ed. Just a little bite." [He chases Ed.] Ed: "Stay away! Yucky green stalky thing!" [He runs through the screen door.] Edd: "Not the screen again, Ed! Father hasn't recovered from the last time you–" Eddy: "Eat it, Ed!" [Edd pulls the ruined screen door open for Eddy.] Edd: "Eddy! That broccoli belongs to my family!"

Sarah: "Jimmy, that's neato! It looks so real!" [She is referring to a unicorn Jimmy has painted on a fence.] Jimmy: "Not to brag, but unicorns are my specialty, Sarah." [The section of fence suddenly moves forwards towards Jimmy and Sarah.] Sarah: "IT'S ATTACKING, JIMMY!" Jimmy: "Everyone stay calm! Don't panic!" ''[The fence makes a u-turn and shoves Jimmy and Sarah against another section of wood. Ed peels himself off of it, as he was pushing the fence forward. Eddy jumps in.]'' Eddy: "Ah ha! Eat the broccoli!" Ed: "Go away, pursuer of pain!" [He gallops off.]

Eddy: "Ed, get back here!" [Ed runs into an outhouse.] "C'mon, get back here! It won't kill ya!" [Ed leaps up and mows through a field of eggplant.] Ed: "Broccoli bad for Ed! Make him stop!" [Eddy follows Ed and destroys whatever Ed didn't wreck.] Rolf: [crawling from the downed outhouse] "Can't Rolf have one moment of peace?" [He sees the destroyed garden.] "MY EGGPLANTS!"

[Nazz is riding on the handlebars of Kevin's bike.] Nazz: "Awesome, Kev!" [Ed runs under the bike, sending it bouncing on its back tire.] Ed: "Run! Run for your lives!" Kevin: "Wipeout!" ''[Nazz flies off the handlebars, and Kevin is quick to lose all remaining control. He and Nazz land stuck in a lamppost.]'' Ed: "Have pity!" Eddy: "Eat it, Ed!" Kevin: [angry] "Eds." Jonny: "Where ya goin, Ed?" [Ed runs past Jonny, spinning Jonny around.] Jonny: [dizzy] "Woo hoo! What a ride! Far out, huh, buddy?" [He sees Plank is gone.] "Plank?" [He looks to Ed.] "Hey, you!" ''[Ed is holding Plank. Eddy leaps out from a street corner.]'' Eddy: "Gotcha! Prepare to scarf the–" [Ed smacks Eddy's hand with the board.] "YOWCH! That hurt, Ed." Ed: "Gee Eddy, I'm sorry." [He tosses Plank over his shoulder and catches the broccoli.] "Ah ha!" Eddy: "AAAH!" Ed: [chasing Eddy] "Devour the broccoli, eh?" Eddy: "Quit it, Ed!" Edd: [on a corner behind them] "Ed! Eddy! Control yourselves!" [Plank falls into his hands.] Jonny: [high-strung] "Hand over my pal!" Edd: "Why certainly, Jonny." Jonny: [walking away] "Boy, if I wasn't so peace-loving I'd..." Edd: "But Jonny, I–" [Rolf shows Edd a tiny coffin.] Rolf: "Double D Ed-boy, look." [Rolf opens the coffin to reveal a destroyed eggplant.] Rolf: [mournfully] "Shed a tear for the once-proud eggplant, it's round and supple life TRAMPLED by your NOODLE-HEADED PLAYFELLOWS!" Sarah: "Hey Double D, look what Ed and Eddy did to poor Jimmy!" Jimmy: "Why must an artist suffer so?" Edd: [nervous] "Now, let's all remain calm–" [Kevin grabs him by the hat.] Kevin: "We've had it with your troublemaking pals. You better put the kibosh on those dorks, or you'll be so sorry." Edd: [offscreen] "They won't listen to me, I–no Kevin please, wait–no–"

''[Ed is running in circles around a tree. Eddy watches.]'' Eddy: "Hurry Ed, you almost got me!" ''[Ed continues to run around the tree. Edd tugs on Eddy's shirt.]'' Eddy: "Hey hey hey! Quit stretching the threads!" [Edd stands behind Eddy, his hat twisted into a pretzel.] Edd: "Eddy, Kevin said he's gonna do this to my legs." [after a beat] "You and Ed have done it this time. Show some self-control! Your rambunctiousness has everyone infuriated!" Eddy: "Tell em to stick it in their hat." Edd: "Very well then. Promise you'll visit me at the sideshow. I'll be the boy with the pretzel legs. No salt. Ed can surely help you with your plethora of scams. Painting signs, thereby misspelling them, and decreasing your sucker quotient." Eddy: "No wait! I can't help it, Double D! It's in my blood! We-we need help, that's all!" Edd: "Just what I wanted to hear, Eddy. Let's begin, shall we?" Ed: "Almost got you, Eddy!"

''[Ed and Eddy are sitting at a table in Ed's backyard. Both have three band-aids on the back of their heads.]'' Eddy: "Tell me again, Ed. Why are we wearing these bandages on our heads?" Ed: "For free lunch from Double D, Eddy Ma-Gee!" [Both laugh uproariously.] Eddy: "Tell me again, Ed, why?" Ed: "Cuz Double D said so, Eddy the–uh–I don't know!" ''[They laugh. Edd brings out two steaming bowls.]'' Eddy: "You're a riot, Ed." Ed: "FOOD!" Ed and Eddy: [chanting] "Food food food food food food food food food food food food–" Edd: "Gentlemen, please." Ed and Eddy: [chanting] "–food food food food food food food food food food food food–" [Edd places a hand on Ed and Eddy's bandaged heads] Eddy: "What the–" [Edd forcefully rips a bandage off each of their heads] Ed and Eddy: "Ow!" Edd: "Now that I have your attention." Eddy: [rubbing the sore spot] "Jumping Geronimo! What'd you do that for?" Edd: [giving them the bowls] "It's to remind you of your manners, Eddy. A bracing dose for you two to comply and behave in a socially acceptable manner." Eddy: "What a load of–" [complaining] "What is this slop, anyways? I thought we were gonna eat something, not bury it." Edd: [indignant] "My mother made that soup!" [He tears off Eddy's second bandage.] Eddy: "YOWCH!" Edd: "Have a seat, please." Ed: [laughing] "Naughty naughty! You watch yourself, mister!" Edd: "It's not polite to laugh at others' misfortunes, Ed." [He rips Ed's second bandage off.] Ed: "OUCH!" Edd: "I'll be right back." [When Eddy thinks Edd's back is turned, he rips Ed's last bandage off, only to be rewarded by the swift hand of justice.] Eddy: "YOWCH!! Hey, that's three. No bandages left, Double D. Ha!" Edd: [holding up a box of the things] "I'm well aware of that, Eddy, as you've only completed your first phase of the program." Eddy: [with three new bandages] "This is so stupid!" Edd: "Eat your soup, Eddy." Eddy: "How'd you like to eat a knuckle–" ''[Edd raises his hand. Eddy remembers the swift pain that will follow and wisely decides to stay quiet.] "Uh–" [He turns to his soup.]'' ''[Edd looks at Ed, who has steam coming from his ears. Edd tears off the first bandage, and tears come to his eyes, but he stays silent.]'' Edd: "Ed." ''[He takes the second one off. Ed's eyes water, and he opens his mouth. His tongue unfurls, revealing the steaming bowl of soup sitting there.]'' Edd: "Ed, let this be a lesson to you. Never ingest the tableware." Ed: "I am sorry, Double D. It was so wrong of me and it will not happen again." [Edd's eyes shine.] Eddy: "May I interrupt? I seem to have finished my soup. I will wash it and put it away." [He gets up.] Edd: "Stop where you are." [He stands right behind Eddy.] "I hope you're not planning on doing anything you might regret in my kitchen." Eddy: "Me? No way, Double D. Those days are history." Ed: "I learned good too, Double D!" Eddy: [taking the bowl] "Let me take that, Ed. Relax." Ed: [following Eddy indoors] "Let me help, Eddy." Edd: [starry-eyed] "I can't wait till the others see my progress."

''[Jonny's kite is stuck in a tree. Jonny tugs at it hopelessly.]'' Jonny: "For crying out loud! It's stuck!" [morose] "We're hooped, buddy." [He sits down at the base of the tree.] "Oh brother." Edd: [walking by] "Good afternoon, Jonny." Jonny: "Hiya Double D!" Eddy: "Hey Jonny. Nice day huh?" Jonny: "Eddy?" Ed: "Jonny? What brings you to these parts?" Jonny: "Ed, you okay?" Ed: "Transformed! Why the long face, chum?" Jonny: "Well...our kite's stuck in the tree!" Ed: "Let me fix that for you, 'cause I'm a brand-new me!" ''[Ed leaps up and bends the tree over. He catches the end of the kite in his teeth and lets go of the tree.]'' Jonny: "Oh boy, thanks Ed!" ''[Ed drops the kite, revealing a large bite taken out of the end. Sourly]'' "Thanks a lot."

''[Rolf is scrubbing something in a bucket. Angrily, he rants.]'' Rolf: "Rolf wash this, Rolf wash that. Why must Rolf remove the foul from Nano's finery?" Eddy: "Why don't you let me do that, Rolfy boy?" [He takes over the cleaning.] "Your hands look pruned." Rolf: [suspicious] "Rolf sees through your husky-boy masquerade. What mischief are you up to?" Eddy: "Not one, Rolf. I'm a new guy." Edd: "Totally reformed, Rolf. A little Pavlovian training has turned Ed and Eddy into upright fine fellows." [Rolf comes to the fence to talk shop.] Rolf: "Good work, for one with such soft hands." [Eddy grabs Rolf and throws him into the bucket.] Eddy: "Next!" Edd: [shocked] "What are you doing?" Eddy: "Giving Rolf a hand. I could smell him a mile away." Edd: "Oh dear, Eddy, you're relapsing!" [He peels off a bandage.] Eddy: "YOWCH!" Rolf: "Stay back!" Eddy: "Oops. Musta missed a spot." [He scrubs harder.] Edd: "This can't be happening." Kevin: [offscreen] "Let go of me, ya big ape!" Ed: [brushing Kevin's teeth] "Up and down, up and down, up and down up and down." Edd: "Ed! Stop it! This is so wrong!" Jimmy: [offscreen] "Aah! Help me!" [Eddy has tied Jimmy's shoes using his hair.] Eddy: "Don't mention it, Jimmy." [He runs off to do more "good" deeds.] Jimmy: "Aah! I'm getting stretch marks!" Edd: "Hang on, Jimmy!" Jimmy: "Mercy me!" Edd: "Let me help." ''[He works to undo the knots. Rolf taps him.]'' "Oh, hello, Rolf." Rolf: "Rolf was the son of a shepherd, now Rolf is the posterior of a duck!" Nazz: [a bag over her head] "Yeah well, you don't even want to know what they did to me!" Jonny: "I'm sick just thinking about it!" Sarah: [referring to Jimmy] "Someone's gonna pay for this!" [The six angry kids surround Edd.] Kevin: "I hate dorks." Edd: [running out the lane's entrance] "Ed? Eddy?" ''[The kids stomp out after him. Edd peeks out from his hiding place behind a fire hydrant and then runs off to find his friends.]''

[Eddy has dug up a garden.] Eddy: "Ain't that pretty?" Edd: [rushing up] "Stop it stop it stop it! Something's gone wrong! You've become worse!" Eddy: [holding up a mangled flower] "Pesky weeds, Double D. No longer a problem." Edd: "I've created a monster." [holding his fingers over Eddy's head] "Snap out of it, snap out of it, Eddy!" [He snaps his fingers and Eddy stops.] "Well?" Eddy: "Let me help you with that." [He grabs Edd's hands.] Edd: "Oh, Eddy, I'm so sorry, I've done something wrong! I should never have tried to change who you and Ed are!" ''[From behind him comes a grinding noise. Ed has ripped up all the lampposts and is about to service them.]'' Ed: "I'm changing some light bulbs, Double D!" [Eddy sticks a Y-shaped stick under Edd's chin.] Eddy: "There you go, pal! No problem!" [He walks away, intent on doing more "good" deeds.]

[Edd is on his doorstep, looking morose without his friends to keep him company.] Eddy: "Greetings Double D. You look sad. May we be of assistance?" Edd: "Go away. I just want my old friends back." Ed: "Would you like some help sitting?" ''[He and Eddy chuckle. Their chuckles soon turn into full-blown laughter.]'' Eddy: "What a sap!" Ed: "We fooled you all along, Double D!" [Edd's brow tightens angrily.] Eddy: [laughing] "Hook, line, and stinker!" Ed: [serious] "Eddy, it is not polite to laugh at others." ''[Ed and Eddy look at Edd. After a short pause, they break into laughter again. Edd becomes angrier.]'' Eddy: "You're just too easy, Double D." [Edd has gone inside.] "Where'd he go?" [Edd reappears, broccoli in hand.] Ed and Eddy: "BROCCOLI! RUN AWAY!" Edd: [following them] "How dare you mess with my emotions!" Eddy: "Can't you take a joke?" ''[Eddy runs in front of Kevin's bike. Kevin has to brake sharply to avoid him.]'' Kevin: "Watch it, dork!" Ed: "Broccoli bad for Ed!" [He runs through Kevin's bike, demolishing it.] ''[Edd watches with fear in his eyes as Kevin gets up. Kevin walks towards Edd, who is hiding in his house.]'' Kevin: "Hey Double D! C'mere, I got something for ya!" Edd: [inside] "Have mercy!"