No End in Bite

''[It is nighttime at the Loud House. In Lynn and Lucy's room, Lucy is in her coffin reading a "Vampires of Melancholia" novel with Fangs.]''

Lucy: [reading in her head] "Long Beard had Edwin chained to the mast, as his gang of pirates hauled away the last of the vampires' coffins."

''[Scene changes to two pirate ships in the middle of the sea on a dark night. As Lucy described, Edwin is chained to the mast while two of Long Beard's crew members are carrying a coffin behind them.]''

Long Beard: "Argh, we've got your gold now, ye' scurry vampire."

Edwin: "For the last time, those aren't treasure chests, they're coffins."

Long Beard: "Ahh, a likely story! And once we're through here, you'll be going off on a little sail, into the sunrise!" [laughs]

Edwin: "But, I'm a vampire, the sun will destroy me."

Long Beard: [In Edwin's face] "That's the idea you blood-sucking scallywag!"

Lucy: "No!"

[Fade transition back to Lynn and Lucy's room as it shows the last page of Lucy's novel has been ripped out of its binding.]

Lucy: "What happened to the last page of my book?"

''[Lily is then heard laughing as she crawls into the room but then falls. Lucy gets out of her coffin and picks her up to find the last page has been used as a substitute diaper.]''

Lucy: "Oh, there's my last page."

Lynn: [Enters the room dribbling her basketball.] "Oh, sorry Luce, ran out of diapers. [Shoots the ball offscreen and stops it with her foot.] Had to use something."

[Lucy hisses at Lynn, who flinches at this and lands on her butt.]

Lucy: "Well, maybe I can still read it."

Lily: [poops her 'diaper'] "Poo-poo!"

Lucy: [disgusted] "Never mind. Sigh, how am I going to find out what happens to Edwin?"

Lynn: "You're creative and junk, just make something up."

[Lucy hisses once again at Lynn as she hands her Lily, who giggles, then goes back to her coffin, thinking of what her sister said.]

Lucy: "'Make something up.' Hmm..."

[Scene switches back to the story.]

Edwin: "But, I'm a vampire, the sun will destroy me."

Long Beard: [In Edwin's face] "That's the idea you blood-sucking scallywag!"

[Down below in the hatch...]

Davey: "Just one more treasure chest to go!" ''[He opens the coffin to find Lucy, wearing a black and red dress, and Fangs in there. He screams and closes it.]'' "A ghost!"

Lucinda: [Bursts out the coffin, having Davey spin around.] "No, just a stowaway, [closes him inside the coffin.] but thanks for the compliment. Come on, Fangs." [She and Fangs climb up the ladder.]

[Back with Edwin and Long Beard...]

Long Beard: "Davey, shake a peg-leg!"

Lucinda: [offscreen] "Davey's all tied up."

Long Beard: "Huh? Who be saying that?"

Pirate: "Up there, in the crow's nest!"

[Lucinda and Fangs are on the crow's nest as said.]

Lucinda: "Or in this case, bat's nest. Fangs, attack!"

''[Fangs charges at them as Long Beard launches his hook at the bat, who dodges this. As Fangs was about to strike, Long Beard then uses his sword to deflect the attacks. The sword then gets cut off as it goes flying in the air and towards Edwin, who screams, but the sword lands on the floor a few inches from him. Fangs then pushes Long Beard and the pirate onto a tarp, Lucinda jumps down from the crow's nest, grabs the rope that supports the tarp, and pulls them inside as she lands on the deck and ties the end of the rope. Lucinda is satisfied until she hears a rooster as the sun starts to rise, which is starting to burn Edwin.]''

Lucinda: "Gasp. Oh no, we're running out of time."

''[She looks at the sail, then grabs the sword from the floor and cuts the rope, having the sail covering Edwin and her. Edwin is relieved.]''

Edwin: "That was amazing. Who are you?"

Lucinda: "My name is Lucinda."

Edwin: "You saved me, Lucinda, how can I ever repay you?"

Lucinda: "Well, I have always wanted to be a vampire."

Edwin: "Its the least I can do."

[Lucinda moves her hair aside, exposing her neck as Edwin was about to make contact, until...]

Lynn: "Yo, Earth to Luce!"

Lucy: [startled] "Yah!"

Lynn: "Aw, I feel bad about your book, so I went to the library and got you another one." [Tosses Lucy the book.]

Lucy: "Wow, thanks."

Lynn: "Also, uh, Lily's next diaper change is yours." [walks away]

[Lucy opens the book and reads the actual ending, then closes it.]

Lucy: "Hmm, not bad, but I think I like my ending better." [Lies back in her coffin, mysteriously showing some fangs.]