A House Divided

[Michelle is sitting on her bed and playing her harmonica as Stephanie enters.]

Stephanie: Oh, no. Harmonica Girl lives. Michelle, give me a break. It's been three days.

Michelle: I have to practice "Down in the Valley". [She tries to start up again, but her sister quickly snatches the harmonica out of her hand.]

Stephanie: Why don't you practice down in the basement? [Michelle looks at her, disgusted.] I have to study.

Michelle: In case you're wondering why my name is on the wall [as the camera cuts to a wide shot to reveal such], it's because it's my room too. [She takes back her harmonica.]

[Joey is delivered a pizza while taking a bath.]

Pizza deliverer: [to Joey as he comes out of the bathroom] Thanks, dude! [His tip is covered with bubbles – which he blows off.]

Danny: [yelling through the door] Joey! When you're finished, there better not be a pepperoni ring around the tub!

[As the camera cuts to a wide shot, Stephanie dashes into the hall with harmonica in hand, causing Michelle to give chase.]

Michelle: Give it back, harmonica stealer!

Stephanie: No way, music murderer!

[Michelle makes a dash towards her sister, but Stephanie keeps a tight grip on it.]

Stephanie: [as they wrestle and yell] No!

Michelle: Dad!

D.J.: [running towards them and breaking them up] Guys! Guys, stop fighting! Dad does not want to hear your petty problems! ... Dad, I'm not going to have enough time to dry my hair! [All 3 begin complaining to their father at the same time.] Joey's been in there for over an hour!

Danny: Guys, guys, guys! Hey, hey! I can only handle one problem at a time, okay?

[Danny goes into the bathroom, where Joey is in the bathtub eating a slice of his pizza as Danny comes in to have a chat with him over being in the bathroom too long.]

Danny: Oh, this is a pretty picture. You know, I like Italian food in the bathroom as much as the next guy, but don't you think you've been in here long enough?

Joey: [as he puts down his pizza slice] Danny, I share the bathroom with three girls. There's always someone in here blow-drying, moisturizing, tweezing... All I'm asking for is an hour of peace and quiet, where I can gather my thoughts.

Danny: Yeah, I guess you're right. Every man deserves a chance to sit back and reflect on the deeper meanings of life.

Joey: Thank you, Danny. [excitedly] Alright, tub hockey [pulling out a rubber duck and rubber shark]! Here we go! Sharks vs. the Ducks! [making the "Charge!" fanfare trumpet sound with his mouth] Charge!

[As Danny exits the bathroom, he is met by complaints from the girls.]

Stephanie: Dad!

Michelle: Dad!

D.J.: Dad!

Jesse: Dad! I mean, Danny.

[The 4 of them follow Danny downstairs arguing non-stop.]

[Kimmy comes out of the kitchen holding a milk carton.]

Kimmy: You're running out of moo juice, Pops.

Danny: I'm running out of patience, Gibs.

Kimmy: [as she drinks the milk] Eww, this stuff's gone chunky!

Danny: And it's yours as a lovely parting gift! [in a game show announcer voice] Kimmy Gibbler, go on home! [She exits, closing the door on her way out. Danny then returns to the matter at hand.] Wait a minute. Lou Bond? Of the Bond Foundation? Bond Plaza? The Bond Trade Towers?

Mr. Bond: Ah, the Bond Trade Towers was my father. And, this was our house before daddy hit it big. I lived here the first 12 years of my life. Lots of marvelous memories.

[Up in the attic apartment...]

Jesse: Alright, if he wants a family meeting, I will make a list of complaints [with a pencil in hand]. First complaint: I hate family meetings.

Becky: Jess, give it a rest, huh? Hey, the boys are napping. And you know what that means [smiling].

Jesse: [tosses the pencil in the air, looks into her eyes, and in a sexy voice...] Oh yeah.

Becky: We get to use the slide! [They make a mad dash to see who gets to go first.] No! No, honey! I wanna go!

Jesse: I'm going first! [pulling her off the steps]

Becky: No! Honey, let me go first. No, get back here.

Jesse: [sliding down and she grabs his ears] The ears! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow [as Danny and Mr. Bond walk in].

Danny: Guys, I hope we're not interrupting anything... weird.

Becky: [She freezes.] No problem [as she releases her grip on his ears].

[In the living room, the family meeting is underway.]

Jesse: Alright [clears his throat as he flips his notepad to address an item on his complaint list]. Lack of consideration: On March 4, 1989, Danny paints the banister without telling anyone. I slide down said banister on my way to a job interview, at which I am nicknamed "skunk pants".

Danny: Jess, I still have the floor here [in the meeting].

Jesse: Fine. If you're gonna have the floor, and you're going to wax it, tell us.

Danny: OK. [assuming the floor again...] Alright, as you all know, Mr. Bond – Lou Bond – is a very wealthy man. Now, he has everything he's ever wanted his entire life, except for one thing: to live here – in the house he grew up in.

D.J.: Forget it. There's enough people living here already.

Joey: He's sharing your bathroom.

Danny: No, guys; he doesn't wanna live here with us. He wants to buy the house.

[In the meeting, regarding the house sale and buying another one...]

Stephanie: I can have my own room!

D.J.: I can have my own bathroom!

Jesse: I could have my own kitchen, I could have my own living room, I could have my own backyard...

Becky: Honey, it's called a house.

Jesse: That's what I'm saying. I mean, you know, we've been talking about moving to our own house someday. Maybe, maybe that someday is now.

Becky: Well, the boys could use some more growing space. I mean, they're not getting any shorter.

Joey: I'm definitely ready to move into my own place. After all, I'm a grown man. Plus, I need more shelf space for my toys.

Danny: You know what? I think this is the first family meeting where we all actually agree on something. Well, that's it then. I mean, we're, we're out of here. We're moving.

D.J.: This is great! I can't believe it! I can't believe that I'm going to have my own bathroom. I don't even have to share it with Joey anymore.

[The next day, everyone looks at various housing options. Jesse and Becky are in the kitchen, as their twins play nearby.]

Becky: Oh, Jess, look at this house on Lynnwood Street. It's got a big backyard, central air, and a hot tub.

Jesse: Ooh, a hot tub - I love hot tubs. Hey boys, how would you like to live in a house with a hot tub?

Nicky or Alex: What's a hot tub?

Jesse: It's cool. It's like a... it's like a really big bathtub.

Nicky or Alex: No bath!

Alex or Nicky: No way!

Becky: No, no guys, this tub is outside, and you don't have to use soap.

Nicky or Alex: Now you tell me.

[Steve also helps Joey with his housing options.]

Steve: So my mom says if you buy a condo from her real estate office, I get half the commission, plus one of those really cool yellow jackets [not the insects].

Joey: Hey, look at this one, huh? Natural Meadows.

Steve: Yeah, I sold one of those yesterday.

Joey: Look at all these cool activities: lawn bowling, shuffleboard tether-ball [turns the page], and look at how happy all these people are.

Jesse: That's 'cause they're all naked! It's a nudist colony!

Steve: Oh, my God! I'd better give Father O'Connell his check back.

[Upstairs, Michelle entertains Denise and Teddy with her harmonica, when her sisters enter.]

Stephanie: When I decorate my own room, I'm gonna put my bed by my window, my dresser by my door, and Michelle down the hall.

Michelle: [sarcastically] Ha ha ha.

D.J.: Michelle, when we move out, you're gonna have your own room again. If Stephanie comes in, you can throw her out.

Michelle: [sadly] Can I practice now?

D.J.: Later. Dad says we have to clean up because tonight Mr. Bond's coming over for an inspection.

Michelle: What's he inspecting for?

D.J.: Well, he has to check everything out and make sure it's perfect or else he won't buy the house. You know, make sure the foundation's straight, there are no leaks, and especially there's no infestation.

Teddy: What's infestation?

Stephanie: You know, vermin. Disgusting stuff like termites, rats, silverfish, roaches.

Teddy and Denise: Ewww!

Michelle: Ewww!

Stephanie: Exactly.

D.J.: But don't worry. Dad's devoted his entire life to keeping vermin out of the house.

Stephanie: Except Kimmy.

[The older sisters leave, and Michelle and her friends quickly must come up with a plan to stop the sale.]

[Michelle, flanked by her friends, uses the Yellow Pages to make a call to "buy" some vermin, to no avail.]

Michelle: Hello? I'd like to order some vermin. Eww! Thanks, anyway. Bye. [She hangs up, and gives the bad news.]

Teddy: What'd they say?

Michelle: They don't sell them; they only kill them. We need another plan.

Teddy: OK, but keep away from my head.

[The rest of the family's just come home from going out for dinner.]

D.J.: We're home!

Joey: Yeah, we brought you a 'doggy bag' [which he sets on the table].

[And the sight of Comet's friends scares them, with the smallest snagging the bag on the way out.]

Jesse: Must be Comet's poker night.

Danny: Michelle, if you were this upset about moving, why didn't you say something?

Michelle: You were all going crazy. Everyone was talking about hot tubs and telephones in the bathroom. Nobody cared that we're not gonna be living together anymore.

Danny: Sweetheart, we care. We were just trying to make things a little better around here.

Michelle: It already is better. It's the best house I've ever lived in.

D.J.: Michelle, it's the only house you've ever lived in.

Michelle: It's a great house. Everything happened here. Don't you guys remember?

Jesse: Yeah, sure we remember, Michelle. We all love this house.

Michelle: Well, if you love this house, then why are we moving? Aren't you guys gonna miss us [pouting]?

Jesse: There it is. The Lip. The Lip. That's where Nicky and Alex get it [originally passed on from Stephanie to Michelle].

Mr. Bond: [watching close by] Well, that was a Hallmark moment.

[After the family has their happy moment about not selling the house, Kimmy makes her return.]

Kimmy: Hey. You guys have gotta help me. My mom and I are having a big argument. Now, which stinks more: my sneakers or my clogs?

Everyone (except Mr. Bond): Oh! [They back away, wave the odors, and/or hold their noses.]

Mr. Bond: [with a ] You again. Who are you?

Kimmy Gibbler: The next-door 'neigh-bar' [imitating his accent].

Mr. Bond: Sometimes, things work out for the best. The sneakers.

[Denise takes Comet back to the Tanner house.]

Denise: Comet, you live here!

Michelle: We all live here. [And everyone reunites with and pets their four-legged friend.]