Ed... Pass it On

[A sign outside the house reads "Wait to be Seated.] Jimmy: "Wait to be seated?" Sarah: "What's that supposed to mean?" Jimmy: "They always say that at restaurants, Sarah!" Eddy: [dressed like a waiter] "Welcome to Ponce de la Eds. I'll see if we have a free table." [He pretends to glance at a book.] "So sorry, but we're booked full." Sarah: [grabbing him] "You didn't even open your eyes, you fathead!" Jimmy: "Wait, Sarah. Let me show you how it's done." [He steps up to Eddy.] "Ahem. Surely you must have one table open." [Jimmy greases the waiter.] [Eddy, with a gasp of pleasure, opens the doors and shoves Sarah and Jimmy into the house.] Eddy: "Here's two more for you gar con!" Edd: [seating the duo] "May I? There we go." [He places two menus on the table.] "We have a variety of creations to please every pallet. I'll return momentarily to take your order." [He moves on to Jonny and Plank's table.] Nazz: "What do you feel like, Kevin? Are you gonna get the Ed kabobs, or the Eddy pizza, or the Double Dee spaghetti?" Kevin: "I'm ordering the barf bag." Nazz: "Where's that on the menu, Kevin?" Edd: "Well have you decided on anything, Jonny?" Jonny: "Don't ask me, Plank's treating!" [Edd turns to Plank.] Plank: Jonny: "Whaddya mean an Ed Turkey a la King for you and a couple of breadsticks for the bald kid?" [Rolf signals Edd with a piercing whistle.] Rolf: "Rolf would like the Ed steak. Rare." Nazz: "And I'll have a salad, a la Double D, Double D." Sarah: "And I'll have an Ed shake. Easy on the frost, and make sure it's cold." Edd: "My! Uh, coming right up." [He tries to make his way into the kitchen.] "Ed?" Ed: [pushing his friend back] "Oh no you don't! Too many cooks spoil the galoshes, Double D!" Edd: "Very well. Here's a few orders to fill, Chef Ed." [He hands Ed the order slip.] Ed: "I will whip them up!" [A few minutes have passed, and Sarah and Jimmy are bored.] Sarah: "That's it, I've had it! Let's go home and eat, Jimmy!" Eddy: [desperate] "No no, wait! Um–" [The kitchen door bursts open and a lidded plate marked for Jonny comes out.] Edd: "Nice presentation, Ed!" [to Jonny] "And here you go, one Ed Turkey a la King!" Jonny: "Oh boy, I'm starving!" Edd: "Bon appétit." [He lifts the lid.] Jonny: "For crying out loud!" Edd: "Ed, you were supposed to use a real turkey!" [Ed has cooked himself. He lies naked on the plate, surrounded by fixings. Ed pours a ladleful of gravy onto the "turkey dinner."] Ed: "Stuffing anybody?" [Eddy slams the lid down on the plate.] Eddy: "Idiot." Sarah: "C'mon, Jimmy!" Jimmy: "I'm so repulsed!" [The kids begin to trickle out.] Sarah: "This place is so dumb." Eddy: [chasing them] "Oh come on! How about a two-for-one–" [The door slams shut, and he runs into it.] "This should've worked! This scam always worked for my brother! Everything always worked for my brother." Ed: "Let me say this about that." [Eddy kicks him off the plate.] Eddy: "You know why they worked for him? 'Cause people respected my brother! And they respected me, 'cause I was–" [downhearted] "–with my brother." Edd: "Don't feel bad, Eddy. The truth is, the others have always held you with the utmost, deepest, and sincerest disrespect." Eddy: "Why if he was here, I'd show them who's boss." [An idea, in the form of a hammer, comes down on Eddy's cranium.] Eddy: "That's it! My brother's coming home! At least that's what we'll tell them." Ed: [running with spatters of gravy all over him] "Wait till he sees how much I have grown!" Edd: "Deception, Eddy? Is that how you plan to garner respect?" Eddy: [chuckling] "What planet are you from?"

[The Eds have hung a bunch of banners, streamers, and balloons from Eddy's house welcoming his brother home.] Edd: "Be careful Ed." Eddy: "The kids'll be eating out of my hands in no time." Edd: "Speaking of hands, Eddy, you might want to break away from tradition and actually lend a hand here!" Eddy: "No problem, Double D." ''[He applauds. Kevin pulls up.]'' Kevin: "What's with the balloons? You dorks getting married?" [He waits a beat.] "To each other?" Eddy: "Read the sign, giggles. My big brother's coming home today." [The smile drops from Kevin's face.] Kevin: "No way." Ed: "And it worked for him!" Kevin: [sweating] "So tell me. Those stories bout your–are they true?" Eddy: "Are they true? HEY GUYS! KEV HERE WANTS TO KNOW IF THOSE STORIES ABOUT MY BROTHER ARE TRUE!" Kevin: "Ssh!" Eddy: "Tell you what I'm gonna do. I'll introduce you to him so you can ask him yourself. Should be here soon." Kevin: "Maybe some other time. Gotta blow!" [He peels off.] Eddy: [waving goodbye] "Is that respect or what?" Ed: "A whole box of it!" Edd: "That wasn't respect, Eddy! What I witnessed was fear." Eddy: "R-E-S-P-E-E-K. Respect, Double D."

''[Kevin speeds down the lane. He goes past Jonny and Plank, who are fishing.]'' Jonny: "Fishing's a gas, huh buddy?" [Kevin blows past.] "Kevin? We almost caught you for supper, speedy!" [He runs along the top of the fence, somehow keeping pace with Kevin.] Kevin: "Take a hike! I ain't telling ya nothing!" Jonny: "Ooh, Kevin knows something we don't know, buddy! Hey, tell us your secret, Kevin! C'mon! We won't tell anyone! We're loners!" [Kevin whispers in their ears.] "It's about time! Hey Plank, Eddy's brother's coming home!" Kevin: "You didn't hear it from me." ''[Jonny runs out of fence and falls. Kevin speeds off. A chicken climbs up him.]'' Rolf: "Jonny the woodboy. Always with this head of yours there are so many jokes, yes? Rolf respects your cluelessness." [Rolf moves to leave, but Jonny pulls him back.] Jonny: "Wait, Rolf!" [He whispers in Rolf's ear, and Rolf loses his smile.] Rolf: "Shumonee! Eddy's brother returns to the cul-de-sac? Rolf must protect his fold!"

''[Rolf runs home. Passing the creek, he spots Nazz lounging.]'' Rolf: "She who loathes mortality! Hurry, for judgement day approaches!" [He passes the rumor on.] Nazz: "For real? Eddy's brother is so rad. I better get my gear!" [She sails away, excited.]

[Eddy paces in front of his house, bored by the lack of attention.] Ed: "Who's up for pin the tail on the donkey?" Eddy: "Shut up, Ed. Where the heck is everybody?" Edd: [smug] "Well, it seems your rumor of your brother's return in order to gain respect is as contrived as your spelling of the word, Eddy. I won't say I told you so–" [Ed, blindfolded, pins the tail on Edd's bottom.] Edd: "YOW!!!" Ed: "It wasn't me, Double D!" [Edd lands on Kevin's bike.] Eddy: [laughing] "Nice one, Ed." [Kevin drops off Edd.] Kevin: "Tell your brother, I did you a favor, okay?" Eddy: [laughing] "Like he cares!" Kevin: "Okay. Well, how about you and your bro come over to my house and watch TV or something? I mean, if he wants." Eddy: [ecstatically whispering] "It's working, Double D!" [He turns to Kevin, composed.] "Gee, I don't know. My brother hates losers." Kevin: [let down] "Oh. Right." Eddy: "But tell you what, Kevo. Me and the boys'll come over and see if it's cool enough for my bro to hang at." Kevin: "You'd do that for me?" Ed: "Party at Kevin's house!" Eddy: "Now go home and make sure there's lots of snacks!" Edd: [shocked] "That was unbelievable." Ed: "Party at Kevin's house!" Edd: "Why would Kevin invite us to his house?" Eddy: "R-E-S-P-E-E-K. Respect, Double D." Ed: "Party at Kevin's–" [A chicken crows.] "Chickens!" [Rolf has fortified his house with walls, a moat, and a drawbridge.] Ed: [to a chicken] "Would you like to come to a party and revel springtime?" Rolf: "No party for Rolf's fowl!" Eddy: "Your chicken too good for my brother's party, Rolf?" Rolf: [scared] "Has he arrived to our humble cul-de-sac?" Eddy: "He's on his way, Stretch." Rolf: "PLEASE INFORM EDDY'S BROTHER–" ''[He runs inside and the bridge slams shut. He pokes his head through the fence.]'' "–THAT ROLF'S CHICKENS EXIST NO LONGER!" [He squeezes back in.] Edd: "And what was that all about?" Nazz: "Eddy! Oh Eddy! Up here, dude!" [Nazz is on the roof of her house, decked out like a mountaineer.] "Can I like, talk with you?" Eddy: "Me?" [Nazz starts to descend.] "Nazz wants to talk–" [Nazz lands on him.] Nazz: "Oops." [She gets up.] "Say, Eddy, can you tell your brother I'm ready to climb any time he is?" Edd: "Climb?" Eddy: "Did you see that? Now chicks are falling for me, Double D! It's working!" Edd: "Eddy, wait!" Eddy: "My brother's making it work, Double D! Something's actually working for me! Party at Kevin's house!" Edd: "Eddy, your brother's legacy has lost control! Do you hear me, Eddy? It's changing with each interpretation!"

''[A clump of grass crawls up to a front door. Rolf's hand reaches out and knocks. Kevin opens it fearfully.]'' Kevin: "Eddy's brother?" [His fear is palpable.] Rolf: "Hallo?" [Kevin looks down, disgusted.] "I must see the second born Ed-boy."

''[In the living room, Eddy is in the seat of honor, sipping from a glass. Rolf kneels before him.]'' Rolf: "Rolf does not mean to intrude, lesser of the two offsprings. Let Rolf humbly offer Eddy's brother this token." ''[Rolf looks in his bag. Eddy finishes his drink and calls to Kevin.]'' Eddy: "Hey Kev, fetch me s'more soda, will ya?" Kevin: "When's your brother gettin here, anyway?" [The glass lands on his head.] Ed: [eating chips] "Got any dip?" Kevin: "I'll dip you, ya dork." [He enters the kitchen.] Edd: "I suppose a glass of water would be out of the question then?" Rolf: "Silence! It was Rolf's turn to grovel!" [He returns to his position at Eddy's feet.] "As Rolf was saying, Rolf offers this gift to Eddy's brother." [He holds up a wooly vest.] "A vest made from the hair of Papa's back." [Ed perks up.] "In exchange for the safety of Rolf's unoffended chickens!" Ed: "Cool!" Eddy: [wanting to get the vest out of his face] "Yeah, sure whatever." Rolf: [backing away] "Thank you, Ed-boy! And thank your brother, yes, thank him!" [A soot-covered Nazz climbs out of Kevin's chimney.] Nazz: "YO-DEL-LAY-HEE-YO-DEE-LAY-HEE-YO-DEE-LAYYYY-HEEEEE YO-DE-LAY-HE-YOU-DE-LAY-HE-YO-DE-LAAYYYY YO-DE-LAYYYY-HEEEEE!!!" [Every glass in the place breaks; even Ed shatters.] Kevin: "Nice lungs, Nazz." [A ball hits Eddy.] Jimmy: [through the window] "There's the ball, Sarah!" Ed: "Hiya, baby sister!" [Sarah walks in to get the ball.] Eddy: [antagonized] "YOU DARE HIT THE BROTHER OF EDDY'S BROTHER?!?!?" Sarah: "Brothers are stupid." Eddy: "Oh yeah? Why don't you tell him that to his face, then?" [The kids gasp.] Sarah: "Fine, so. Where's his face?" [On the strength of this one statement, the mood in the room changes.] Kevin: "Where is he, man?" Rolf: "Rolf smells something, and it is not Papa's back hair!" Nazz: "Is he coming, Eddy?" [Eddy stands silenced.] Edd: "Eddy, everything's become distorted, muddled, and mixed up! End this charade! Now is the time to gain that respect!" Eddy: [nervous] "Okay, I guess I should tell you he ain't showin up." [The kids surround him angrily.] "Today! 'Cause he missed the bus!" [The smile drops from Edd's face.] "Yeah! And he'll be at my house tomorrow at lunch!" Kevin: [pacified and scared once more] "Awesome. Can we come over?" Rolf: "Rolf will join you, Kevin." Nazz: "Cool. I heard he's so strong." Jimmy: "Is he Eddy?" Eddy: "Yep." Sarah: "I bet! Come on, Jimmy." [She drags Jimmy out of the house.]

''[The Eds are in Eddy's room. Ed and Eddy wear smiles, while Edd knows they haven't much time.]'' Eddy: [peeking out the window] "They're still sitting out there. What sheep." Edd: "Your rumor is a monster feeding on everyone's insecurities! Stop it before it's too late!" Eddy: "It's just a little fib, Double D! Kevin would pound the living daylights out of me if I told him my brother ain't showing up!" Ed: [clueless] "Did he miss another bus, Eddy? Buses can be so cruel!" Deep Voice: "I hid on the caboose, if you know what I mean." Edd: [scared] "Um Eddy, there's someone at your door." Eddy: [using his friends as a shield] "It's probably Kevin. I'm ready for him." [He waves a baseball bat.] ''[Someone pushes the closet door open, revealing an adult, standing tall. The face is hidden, but the body is big.]'' Eddy: [sweating] "Uh oh. It's my brother!" Ed and Edd: [Ed joyful, Edd scared] "Your brother!" Eddy: [nervous] "Hey bro, good to see ya! Back so soon?" [He grins, then breaks into fearful wailing.] "HONEST, IT WASN'T ME! THEY'RE ALL LYING, I SWEAR! Can I get you anything, bro, huh?" [His voice cracks.] "Can I?" Eddy's Brother: "Get me a triple-scoop banana split sundae with chocolate sauce, marshmallows, lots of nuts." Eddy: "Hey, wait a minute! What happened to that lactose thing you–" Eddy's Brother: "See this?" [He holds a fist to Eddy's face.]

[Edd, at Eddy's door, beckons to his friends.] Edd: "Hurry! Hurry! I'll get the ice cream!" Eddy: "I'll get the chocolate sauce!" Ed: "And I'll get the nuts!" [He runs through the wall.] Edd: "Wait, don't forget the marshmallows!" [He follows Ed.] Eddy's Brother: "Hurry it up!" [He steps out of the closet, revealing it was just Sarah on Jimmy's shoulders.] Sarah: "Watch what you're doing, Jimmy!" Jimmy: [afraid] "It's these darn stilts! They make me all clumsy, Sarah!" Ed: "Hey..." [Ed is at the door, peering in on his baby sister and her friend.] "What flavor ice cream did you want?" [Sarah clears her throat and puts on the deep voice again.] Sarah: "Chocolate." Ed: "Okey-dokey. Your brother wants chocolate, Eddy!" [He runs to the kitchen.] [Sarah and Jimmy look at each other and laugh.] Sarah: "Brothers are such idiots."