The Last Temptation of Mike

All right, how does this sound? "At 11:13 a. m., Officer Biggs, "while purchasing a jumbo chili dog with the works, noticed the suspect checking for unlocked cars. " It's a police report. You don't need to tell them I was getting a chili dog. What? It's no secret look at your shirt. You're just jealous I got the collar. Yeah, y-you got the collar, y-your tie and the back of your pants. Seen triple homicides with less splatter. Hey, if your jersey's not dirty, you didn't play hard. You want some more coffee? That's your third cup. It tastes good today for some reason. Yeah? "Some reason" being that cute rookie whose desk is right by the break area? I'm a married man, I don't notice that kind of stuff. Yeah? You didn't notice those big beautiful brown eyes? They're blue. No further questions, Your Honor. Got it, one sugar, three thumbtacks. You're amazing. Excuse me? That's your third cup of coffee, and you haven't gone to the bathroom once. Eh, that comes from being out on the beat. You stop to tinkle, people could die. I have so much to learn. Eh, you'll get there, it's just mind over bladder. Oh, my God, is that blood on your shirt? Well, until the boys in the lab test it, we'll never really know. But right now all the evidence points to chili. Let me get that for you. Oh, you don't have to do that. I don't mind. You're a mess. What are we gonna do with you? I don't What the hell did you do? Are you okay? Yeah, uh, just can't sleep. I told you all that coffee was gonna get you into trouble. La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love Mmm, something smells good. Bacon, but save your breath, he's not sharing. I am making a special breakfast for Molly to show her that I care and that I'm thinking about her, and her only, 24-7. Hey, I gave her life, you give me bacon. Hey! That was a warning, the next one comes with hot grease. Morning. Oh, there she is. My one and only true love. Oh, wow. Wow. Get out of there, you vultures! Hey, uh, I-I made you breakfast. I unloaded the dishwasher, only broke three glasses. Glad you're wearing shoes. Thank you, sweetie, but I don't really have time to eat. Well, everybody has time for breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day. That's why he has two. Ah! No, I'm writing at the library, and if I don't get there early, then I have to go in the kids' section, and Tuesday's story day, and I always get sucked into those puppet shows. Well, can't you take the day off? We can play hooky together. Pack a picnic, take a walk, huh? I might even be willing to choke down a museum, huh? Aw, that's sweet, but I-I can't. I'm, like, this close to finishing the book. That's great. No, I mean, I-I I still have this much of the book to write. Come on, I feel like I haven't seen you in weeks. Well, this is my job now. If you want to keep frying up the bacon, Mama's got to keep bringing it home. Aw, you tried. You're a terrific husband. And handsome. And smart. Just eat the bacon. Carl, you want some coffee? Yeah, I could go for a cup. Good, uh, get me one, too. I like the French vanilla creamer. I thought you were getting it. Well, since you're getting up. I'm not getting up. I thought you wanted some coffee. When you were getting it. If I got to get it, I don't want it. But I want some. Well, as long as you're going cream, two sugars. Fine, but the next time you lose your gun, you're looking for it on your own. Hey. Hey! I was wondering when you were gonna come visit me. Not visiting, just getting coffee. Hang on, I have something naughty to show you. I-I don't want to see that. French vanilla caramel creamer. It's kind of decadent, but we can cheat a little, right? No. No, we can't. Come on, I won't tell anybody. Well, that doesn't make it right. Just take a sip. Listen, I'm sure that's wonderful, but I have to pass. Okay, if I led you to believe that I was interested in another creamer, I apologize. Come on. Just take a little sniff. Oh, God, that's good. We can't do this! I got to go! That's just ridiculous. Why would someone that beautiful work in a dump like this? Did you see her back tattoo? Working here ain't the first bad choice she's made. Yeah, you don't need to read Chinese to know that tat says "damaged goods"" Do you mind? That's someone's daughter. The pierced tongue tells me Daddy hasn't been in the picture for quite a while. Well, she could sit on my lap and tell Papa Carl all about it. What are you doing? You got a girlfriend at home. Yeah, and if she was here, I wouldn't be saying any of this stuff. I mean, that's why we have guys' night, right? Yeah, we've been treating women like people all week. Can't we have one day off? Don't you think it's a little inappropriate to be leering at other women while our wives are at home? Hey, just 'cause I'm in a committed relationship doesn't mean I gave up the right to be creepy. If anything, it gives us the right to be creepier because we know it's not going anywhere. Yeah, it's it's just fantasies. Well, I'm single I still have a shot. See? Fantasies. Can we talk about something other than women, please? Sports, politics, religion anything at all. The weather. Anything. Well, the weather's been nasty and needs to be spanked. You're a pig. We're all pigs, and if I can't roll around in my own filth, I'm leaving. Wait, you're going, too? Oink, oink, my friend. You coming? No, Molly's working late. I'm gonna stick around with Samuel. Mm, I'm leaving, too. I've seen enough. For what I need. Fine, beat it. I intend to. Get out. Anything else I can do for you? Yes, make good choices. Says the guy drinking alone. Good point can I get another beer? If it isn't Officer Creamer. Hey, wh-where did you come from? Oh, Oklahoma. No, I mean here, tonight. Oh, the station. They said this was a good place to grab a drink. It is, it is, uh I was just on my way out, so, uh Okay. What the hell? I can sit for one beer. Great. Will you bring us a pitcher? Don't worry, I know where all the checkpoints are. Oh, I always wanted to be a cop. In grade school I was a hall monitor. The badge, the fear in a third grader's eyes when they didn't have a hall pass. God, I loved the power. Well, my dad was a cop, so I'm a cop. That's the only reason? Well, that and the uniform. I don't like thinking about what I have to wear every day. Mailman never crossed your mind? I like the shorts idea, my head's too big for a safari hat. I'll be right back, I'm gonna run to the restroom. Hang on, you got a pass? As a matter of fact, I do. Make good choices. Mmm, something smells good. It's not for you, it's for Mike. What is it with you two and bogarting the bacon? He was out really late last night, and I have a feeling he's gonna need a hangover helper. Morning! See you tonight. Oh, hey, hey, hey. Come on, party man, sit down. You know, I should really get going. Well, it's 8:30 in the morning. What's so important at work? Nothing, there's nothing at work. Well, then you have time for a nice breakfast. Why are you so good to me? You made me that great breakfast yesterday, and I just ran out. Well, hey, I mean, you got things to do. You're an important writer lady. I'm just a stupid, stupid cop! All right, calm down. They're just eggs. I don't deserve eggs. I don't deserve anything. Mike! What What's with him? Maybe he's still drunk. Lucky son of a bitch. Want to stop by Abe's for breakfast? Not hungry. Oh, you eat at home? No, I'm just not hungry. I don't mean to alarm you, but the last time you skipped breakfast, you were six days into that obstructed bowel. Just drop it. I'm trying to process something, okay? Can I do it in silence, please? Of course. Is it about us? No. I wish I could believe you. All right, I'll tell you, but you can't say anything. Of course. You know that new rookie, Stacey? Yeah. She kissed me. What, on purpose? Yeah, after you left the bar last night, she came in. We had a couple of drinks, and she planted one on me. Was it a friendly kiss or a sexy kiss? Show me on my hand. Get out! Well, then what'd you do? I ran my ass out of there. All right, then you did nothing wrong. Well, then why do I feel like crap? Maybe because you been flirting with her all week, you didn't leave the bar when you should have, and you ended the night smooching up on some strange. Oh, God, how am I gonna tell Molly about this? You don't. You don't say a word. You keep those kissable lips shut. But I just Shut. Shut it. Not a peep. I got to say, it's kind of nice, you being the one that's in trouble and me sitting on the high horse for a change. Ride 'em, Carl boy. Meet me at the coffee pot. Okay. Bring your cup; this has to look natural. Sorry. Look, we need to get something very, very clear, okay? Those do not touch these ever again. I know, I know. I have absolutely no idea why I did that. Well, it's not a complete mystery. Look, I just got out of a horrible relationship, and you were so nice to me. Drink. Mmm, coffee. Yum. Look, we are coworkers and nothing else, okay? I am a happily married man, and I love my wife more than anything in the world. Understood. Great. Can I say one thing? What is it? The fact that you're so loyal is a really big turn-on for me. Hey. You need to control yourself, 'cause this prime rib is off the market. I don't want to. Out. Out, damn spot. Molly, can you help me with this? Sorry, old bean, busy with the book. I can help you with that. No! No, go away! Michael, is there something I should know? No, nothing. Your tie is growing; I know you're lying. Show her on my hand, man. Carl, get out of here! You should have beat it when I did. I know. Remember, it doesn't mean anything if they kiss you. No! Molly, I love you, I love you so much. I love you, too, sweetie. And the last thing in the world I would ever want to do is hurt you. Okay. And if I could undo what I did, I would. What the hell did you do? Technically, nothing. It was, it was done to me, but I should've never been there to let it happen. Okay, what's the "i"" that we're talking about? A kiss by a girl. Wait, you kissed someone? No, no, no, she kissed me. Who kissed you? A girl at work. Where? At the bar. No, on your body! Well, on the lips. Where else would she kiss me? I don't know! I don't even know what's going on right now. Okay, the new rookie from work came out to the bar last night, and we were just talking about police stuff. Next thing I knew, she gets up to go to the bathroom, and she plants one on me. Did you kiss her back? No! I don't know! It happened so fast. I was so stupid. I should've left when the guys did. Yeah, well, why didn't you? Well, because you weren't home and I didn't want to be alone. Oh, so this is my fault? No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, this is on me. It doesn't matter that you haven't been around. I haven't been around 'cause I'm trying to finish a book which is for us. I know, I've just missed you lately. Well, I missed you, too. You don't see me running around, kissing other people. Look, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. I will never let anything like this happen ever again. You are the most important thing in my life. I don't want to lose you. Oh, for God's sakes, you're not gonna lose me, dummy. I am not happy about this. I know. You need to keep those stupid lips in your pants. I will, I promise. And the next time that you are feeling a little lonely or you know, underappreciated, will you just come and talk to me and not put yourself in an awkward situation? I won't. Thanks for being so understanding. Well, it happens. I learned that lesson at my writer's workshop. I mean, you may be just looking for a shoulder rub, but there's always someone that's looking to rub something else. Wait, what? I told you about that. No, you didn't. I didn't? Huh. Well, I forgive you. Thanks for the advice, Carl, because I did the exact opposite. I told Molly what happened, and now everything's fine. I always knew you were gonna tell her. You just needed a little push in the wrong direction. Where is she? Are you her, huh? Hey, no, Mol. Are you her? Mol, no. No? Ah, how about you? Oh-ho-ho. How about you? Hey! Hey. Hey. Over by the coffee. Good, because that would be a tall tree to take down. Hey. I'm just here visiting my man. Did you hear that, "my man"? We haven't met. I'm-I'm Stacey. I know who you are. And I know what you are, and I want you to keep your lips and your whore creamer away from my husband. Yeah. That's what I thought. See you at home! I'm watching you. God, I love that woman.