Wedding

SCENE: Jess' room, trying on dresses whilst Nick and Schmidt are sitting on the bed waiting for her.

JESS: It's our first wedding together, so we need nicknames. Nick is 'Nicknack' or 'Mr. Suspenders'...

SCHMIDT: No nicknames, okay, your only job tonight, is to be Nick's girlfriend, okay and make sure he stays out of trouble with Caroline.

JESS: Why can't you and Winston help?

SCHMIDT: We've tried, he doesn't listen to us anymore.

FLASHBACK - Nick sitting on the floor crying about Caroline whilst Schmidt stands in the doorway trying to comfort him.

SCHMIDT: She's not coming back. (Nick cries even harder).

NICK: He's right, I don't.

JESS: [Coming out of the closet with a hideous, yellow, floral dress] Tah dah!

SCHMIDT: No!

NICK: [Eyes wide] That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess.

SCHMIDT: I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay, when I see you I wanna be thinking who let the dirty slut out of the sluthouse?

Jess: [In an English accent] Probably the slut butler, right?

Winston: [Sticking his head around the door] Yo, let's go, we can't be late, I am in the wedding.

Nick:You're the usher, so relax.

Winston: Yeah I'll be busy, that way I won't have to sit around answering a bunch of stupid questions all day, like, 'Do you have a job', 'Are you still playing basketball?' Does it look like I'm still playing overseas basketball?

Schmidt: What is the matter with you?

Winston: This is the first job I've had in like, two months, dude, and I really just want get in there and ush this wedding in the face!

Schmidt: You're gonna be great, man.

Jess: So when we do the chicken dance, I do it a little bit differently. I know that usually it goes: Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh, [realising she went wrong] duh duh duh duh duh duh duh, mmm mmm mm... But instead of the clap, I like to do a peck, because it's more realistic. [Miming the actions]

Nick: No chicken dance!

Schmidt: Okay, look, we're not trying to be mean, we just don't want you to be yourself... in any way.

Jess: Okay, suppress the Jess. Got it.

Schmidt: [To Nick] Did you use my hair gel?

Nick: Did I use your hair gel?

Schmidt: I'm not gonna be mad, just let me know if you did.

Nick: No.

Schmidt: Sure?

Nick: I used your hair gel.

Schmidt: Are you serious?

Nick: Yeah.

[Jess comes out of the closet in a pretty purple dress]

Schmidt: Who let the dirty slut out of the sluthouse?

Nick: Wow! You look great!

[Reveals prop teeth]

Jess: [speaks in a Southern American accent but inaudible]

Schmidt: NO! [Walks off]

Nick: No teeth, Jess! You can't use prop teeth! [Walks off]

Jess: Come on, guys. These are hilarious, kids love these.

ROLL TITLES - The short version

[In the foyer to the wedding, Jess, Nick, Winston and Schmidt enter and begin mooching]

Jess: Wanna know one of my beauty secrets? The only way I could fit in this dress was by wearing little girls' bicycle shorts underneath, they are tight! I will not be peeing tonight. Oh my god, bubbles.... [heads off towards the bubbles]

Nick: [heads after her clutching her arm and guiding her away] No, no, no, no, Jess, no bubbles, no bubbles, please!

Schmidt: Hoohoo, a lot of big game here tonight, yoohoohoo. [Sees Brooke] Oh, oh there's Brooke.

Jess: Who's Brooke?

Nick: He's been into her, since freshman year. She used to get drunk and pass out on our front porch. It was like having a hot, alcoholic cat.

Schmidt: I'd always leave water out for her. Okay, tonight just got real. She's go on top of the 'kill list'.

Jess: Is that because you're going to attempt to kill her by having s*x with her?

Schmidt: More or less, yeah.

Jess: Oh, Schmidt, one day you're gonna kill the nicest girl.

[In the garden, Jess is doing Nick's tie]

Jess: Look at my new boyfriend, so fancy in his big-boy tie.

Nick: Jess, would you please stop?

Jess: Okay, what is it with Caroline, you're like a different person?

Nick: Just focus on getting through today, please.

Jess: Okay Mr. Boy T Friend.

Nick: What did I tell ya?

Jess: Huhuh, don't be myself.

Nick: Yes.

Jess: It's what I love about our relationship, you never let me be myself.

[Winston is standing, waiting to do his job]

Man: Hey, Winston.

Winston: Hey.

Man: You're back.

Winston: Yeah.

Mam: What are you up to? Where you working at?

Winston: Here, as an usher. [Turns to a woman who is waiting to be seated] Hi, what a beautiful dress.

Jimmy: I'm surprised you noticed the dress, I was distracted by the woman inside. Jimmy Longjam, alternate usher.

Winston: Alternate usher, I mean, I'm here. I'm the usher.

Jimmy: You were late, it's called commitment. Look it up in a typewriter, old man.

Winston: What?!

Jimmy: How much money do you make?

Winston: Where is your mother?

Woman: Can somebody help me?

Jimmy and Winston: Hello, bride or groom?

Woman: Oh, thank you. [To Jimmy]

[Nick, Jess and Schmidt]

Schmidt: Oh no, no, not tonight, no! [Looks at someone]

Jess: Who is that?

Schmidt: It's Gretchen Nelson, she's a terrible person. We can't stand each other, at every wedding we end up having s*x.

Flashback: Schmidt and Gretchen getting it on in the closet at some wedding with the Bridal March on in the background. Then Schmidt and Gretchen getting it on in a store cupboard at some wedding. End.

Schmidt: I mean, the s*x was amazing. She's coming over.

Nick: Hey, there are those people that we know.

Jess: Oooh, what people? [Both walk off and leave Schmidt alone.]

Schmidt: [Clears his throat] Hello, Gretchen. I see you wore the pant suit again.

Gretchen: This is a new one. It's got way more stretch, in the pants.

Schmidt: That's horrible.

Gretchen: Are you ready for tonight? I'm gonna tie you down and show you pictures of my river rafting trip.

Schmidt: Oh, god, how many are there?

Gretchen: It's a two hour slide show.

Schmidt: No! Gretchen, we can't do this anymore, okay. It's not...it's not healthy, alright, please, no more.

[Sitting in their chairs, Caroline is staring at Nick with Jess]

Nick: There she is, there she is, she's right over there. She's right over here. Just be cool.

Caroline: [Coming over] Hi.

Nick: Hey, Caroline, wow! I didn't know you were gonna be here. It's good to see you.

Jess: Nicholas, you have to introduce me.

Nick: Uh, yeah, of course, er..Jess this is Caroline.

Caroline: Hi.

Jess: One more time, Caroline? [with and ee sounding i]

Caroline: Uh, Caroline.

Jess: Caroloo...Coraline?

Nick: Caroline!

Jess: Oh, kay, fancy. Well, I'm Nicholas' girlfriend, we just started dating so we're still in that honeymoon phase. I barely sleep, so much doing it.

Nick: So much doing it, it's crazy.

Jess: He's so soft, like a towel.

Caroline: Well, uh, it was nice to meet you.

Jess: It was so nice to meet you too, Carol.

Caroline: Caroline.

Jess: [Laughs] i give up.

Caroline: I guess I'll, see you later.

Nick: Sure. [To Jess] Oh my god, was she jealous? I think she was jealous. You did so good. That was remarkable.

Jess: [Puts on prop teeth] I'm just doing what ma momma learnt me.

Nick: [Holding out his hand] Gimme the teeth. [Jess drops them into his hand]

[Scene: At the bar, after the ceremony]

Schmidt: Hi, wow, Brooke. Schmidt. You used to worry my poncho, freshman year. Remember that? No? Fat Schmidt?

Brooke: Fat Schmidt! Of course! Wow, you look great.

Schmidt: You, also, sure, um, how are your classes? I mean...not that we're, not that we're in school anymore, I know that. What...what are you drinking? White wine?

Brooke: I'm not drinking. I'm sober, six months. Can I get a saltzer, please?

Schmidt: Me too.

Brooke: You're six months sober, also?

Schmidt: Seven months, one more.

Brooke: Wow! That's great! Congratulations.

Bartender: Here's your white wine.

Schmidt: What? That's a mistake, no I didn't order that. No. No, sir! [Even the smell of it...]

Brooke: I'm going back to my table, but you can come talk to me, if you need to.

Schmidt: Okay, thank you. [To bartender] So what I need you to do is this, I need you to put vodka in a water bottle, okay, and rendezvous with me in the restroom, okay? Same page, same page?

[Scene: In the venue]

Jimmy: [Laughs at Winston]

Winston: [To Nick] This kid is pushing my buttons.

Nick: Winston, he's just a little boy, relax.

Schmidt: If Brooke asks, I six months clean and sober, and looking to settle down.

Nick: Great. [To Jess] Schmidt's sober. What are you doing? [She is touching his face]

Jess: She's looking at us. [Waves at Caroline] Your head is shaped like a yam.

Nick: Yeah I know, I can't wear soft hats. Hey, when she comes here I want to talk to her about myself.

Jess: No.

Caroline: Hi, could that ceremony have lasted any longer? [Laughs at own joke]

Jess: Hahaha. We loved it, taking notes, unless Mr. Commitment Phobe over here, decides to make an honest women out of me.

Caroline: Oh.

Nick:: Hey, Jess. Did you wanna go do that thing, for um...?

Jess: Yes, I did. I wanted to do it very badly... [Leaves]

Nick: Thank you.

DJ: And now, for the first time ever, Mr and Mrs Hammond.

[Jess walks right into the doorway where the bride and groom are entering through]

Jess: [Looks awkwardly around] Yay! Bride and groom! Make way! Hazaar! Celebrate love! Get ready for a wonderful life of merriment and joy.

Caroline: Jess is...great.

Nick: Yeah, the best. So happy.

Caroline: Are you guys pretty serious?

Nick: Yeah, we are pretty serious. Yeah, we live together. I mean different bedrooms but shared bathrooms, so that's something.

[Scene: Schmidt at the bar]

Schmidt: Alcohol, any kind of alcohol you have. Just gimme anything. Thank you.

Gretchen: Gimme that.

Schmidt: Oh God. It's like you're lapping it out of a puddle.

Gretchen: Eugh, where did you get those boots? Off a lady hiker?

Schmidt: Look at those earrings. Are they clip ons?

Gretchen: [Whispers] I'm gonna make you wear them.

Scmhidt:... Huh. No!

[Jess is sitting at a table pulling at her shorts]

Jess: Is it bad that I can't feel my legs?

Schmidt: Yes, now let's talk about my problems. Jess, I have to go home with Brooke tonight. I deserve someone like Brooke, she's perfect and it doesn't matter that I have gymnastic mean spirited, highly educational s*x with Gretchen, it's just, that's not what I want to do anymore, okay? Not tonight.

Jess: What's so bad about liking Gretchen, I mean you guys obviously have like a weird connection?

Schmidt: No, no, no. I wanna connect with Brooke. I wanna connect with her in the shower, on the floor, sitting Indian style.

Jess: Okay, you know what, you can keep talking but I'm gonna put my hands over my ears.

Winston: We got a problem. [They look over at Nick and Caroline talking]

Schmidt: Jess, what did you do?

Jess: Look, they're fine. They're just talking.

Schmidt: No, not fine.

Winston: No, no, no. With Caroline, he is not fine. Okay, he ran into her at a party two months ago, then sent me a ten page email about what she meant when she said 'I'll see you soon'.

Schmidt: She will flirt with until she knows she can have him. It's like he's her back up plan.

Jess: I didn't know that.

Schmidt: You wanna live with Nick when he's not showering and crying all day?

Winston: Yeah, it sounds like this. [Imitates Nick]

Schmidt: You ever heard a grown man sob listening to Simon and Garfunkel?

Jess: Yeah, my dad.

Schmidt: Yeah.

Jess: Okay, I get it, I'll go but I just...these biker shorts are really tight...

Schmidt: [Getting her up] Come on, work through it.

Jess: Okay, okay.

Schmidt: It's all on you, Jess.

[Jess starts dancing in front of the table where Nick and Caroline are sat]

Jess: Come on in, honey. The water's fine.

Nick: Jess, you know I don't dance.

Jess: Oh, but you didn't know that I did this. [starts to mime dance] I'm mime walking, I'm Mimechael Jackson.

Nick: [Laughs nervously]

Caroline: I'm gonna get a drink.

Nick: Me too.

Jess: Nick, wait, no.

Nick: Yes, relax this is good, I may actually have a chance and it's all because of you so thank you.

Jess: No Nick, that wasn't my intention. Nick, Nick! [Jimmy comes up and starts dancing with Jess] Oh, hi. I don't feel like dancing right now, I'm sorry. I'm really uncomfortable right now.Oh Winston, thank God. Nick got away!

Winston: Nick can wait, this, this is about honesty. [Starts having a dance off with Jimmy]

DJ: And, looks like we have a dance off.

Winston: What?! [Starts grinding on Jess]

Jess: Oh my God, what are you doing?!

Jimmy: Mom! Mommy?!

Jess: Nick? Nick!?

[Scene: Later on in the after party, Schmidt approaches Brooke]

Schmidt: The chocolate fountain, it reminds me of the one in Tuscany, you ever been?

Brooke: Yeah, I was just there for New Year's, where's the chocolate fountain?

Schmidt: I don't know, I've never been, I'm just fascinated with the culture.

Jess: [From the other side of the room] Schmidt! Schmidt! I need you to help me take these off so I can go find Nick!

Brooke: God, are you friends with that girl?

Jess: Schmidt?!!

Schmidt: Look, I didn't want to have to tell you this but, she was a mistake I made when I hit rock bottom. I was her Sid and she was my Nancy and then I got sober and she couldn't deal with it and the poor thing just went, she went crazy.

Jess: Schmidt! I need you to help me slap my thighs around!

Schmidt: I don't want to scare you, but she can be very dangerous when she drinks. Okay, I shouldn't even be in the same room as her, it's just, it feels so good talking to you.

Brooke: Maybe we should get you out of here.

Schmidt: What a great idea, ues.

Brooke: I just have to go to the bathroom really quickly.

Schmidt: Whatever you need, whatever, yeah, of course.

[Scene: Nick and Caroline are in a photo booth]

Nick: Ready, no lips. Name one, name one.

Caroline: Do, uh, wind tunnel!

Nick: Super high drivers license.

Caroline: [Laughs] Can we stay in here all night?

[Scene: Brooke walks into the restroom and finds Jess in there]

Jess: Oh, hi! Schmidt is very fond of you.

Brooke: Um, look, I..I don't know...I don't even know him that well, okay?

Jess: Oh! I'm just cutting off my underwear, you know, girl stuff. [Rips them off] Ahh. So tight. Well, it's been really nice chatting with you but I've gotta pretend boyfriend to hunt down, I think he's cheating on me [Brandishing a pallette knife] and don't break Schmidt's heart, or you'll have me to deal with. [Laughs]

[Scene: Nick and Caroline still in the photo booth]

Jess: [Pulls back curtain of photo booth] Aha! I trusted you!

Nick: Jess, get outta here.

Caroline: Nothing happened.

Jess: After everything we've built.

Nick: Go away, Jess, please.

Jess: Who are you?

Caroline: No, really, nothing happened. I have a boyfriend.

Nick: Wait, you have a boyfriend?

Caroline: Yeah, well I've been seeing someone. I didn't want to bring him because I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but now I know that you have Jess...

Jess: Yeah, he has me... and our baby!

Caroline: Okay, I'm just gonna let you guys...

Jess: And our other baby!

Schmidt: [Goes up to Jess] Jess, what happened with Brooke?

Jess: What?

Schmidt: She just left here in tears because she said that you threatened her with a knife!?

Jess: No, I was talking you up.

Schmidt: No, you shouldn't have been talking me up, you should've been taking care of Nick. Why is it so hard to do one thing?

Jess: How is this my fault?

Schmidt: Ruiner.

Jess: Uh, did you just call me a ruiner?

Schmidt: Yeah.

Jess: Okay, you know what, forget it. I'm not helping you guys anymore. Give me my teeth back. [Goes in Nick's jacket]

Nick: Stop it, Jess.

Jess: You don't appreciate them.

Nick: Cool it!

Jess: Give them back. I'm gonna have fun, [puts in teeth] cause there's nothing wrong with who I am, and I like having fun at weddings, and I like dancing, and if you don't like that, then tough teeter tots, tooter. Jess is back. [Storms off]

Gretchen: [Walks over to Schmidt] Ah, you going home with me aren't you? [Puts the clip on earrings on him] Good boy. [Slaps his ass]

[Scene: Drunken Nick being filmed for the happy couple]

Nick: [Holds up pictures from the photo booth] That's Caroline and that's me. Four years we were together so...it doesn't matter to me, it's just what matter is..respect. [Crying] I'm just so alone right now, man and it's a real bad situation...

Camera Man: Uh, Steve and Bree.

Nick: Steve and Bree, because that's what this is about, I agree with you, you're good at your job, man. [Turning to the cardboard cut out of Steve and Bree] I'm so happy for you, you look great, it feels a little bit like you're rubbing it in my face, you know, happiness, but let's be honest, Bree, this doesn't look great on you. [Gestures to the dress] This. That's not a great look, Bree! Congratulations, Steve, nice fedora and no open bar, Steve, don't you understand that's tacky! You're dad's rich, you're a lawyer, man. [Kicks over cardboard cut out] Yeah! That happened! [Goes over to the photo booth] The photo booth is a liar, fyi. [Opens curtain] Oh, hey ladies, you guys wanna see a grown man cry? No? Then get out! I think I saw a single doctor looking at you. [To one of the women] This is gonna take a while, Orange.

[Scene: Jess. sitting at a table, blowing bubbles]

Jess: Hi there, partner.

Winston: [Sits down and put his feet up like Jess] Hey, can I tell you something you promise to never tell Schmidt? I love bubbles! [Laughs] I don't know why, I just always have. [Takes the bubbles and blows some, laughs again] You see that, that was like two in one.

Jess: Woah.

Winston: Are you okay?

Jess: Yeah, I'm fine.

Winston: Those guys were jerks, but I know that they're glad you're around.

Jess: Really?

Winston: Yeahh, I'm just gonna come out and say it, especially Nick, but they're all thinking it. Even me. Most of the time.

Jess: [Smiles] It was weird, when I was stuck in a freak sandwich between you and that eight year old. Do you wanna talk about that?

Winston: [Sniggers] You know, it's just that he got to be a bit annoying, so.. I kinda took my feelings out with dance...? [Jess laughs]

Schmidt: Okay, er, so, we have a situation.

Scene: [Nick drunkenly talking in the photo booth to himself]

Winston: Hey, Nick.

Nick: It's mine now.

Winston: How're you doing, buddy?

Nick: They want me to leave the booth...but I'm staying. This is my home now. It's got everything that I need.

Schmidt: [Showing the pictures to Jess] You can see by looking at these pictures, that he's experiencing a variety of different emotions. This one is... well that's actually his butt. He just keeps saying, Jess.

Nick: Jess! The fact is, is I was a mean person and I'm sorry, okay?

Jess: [Pokes her head into the booth] Hi, Nicholas.

Nick: Hey, Jess. I live in a photo booth, now.

Jess: Oh, is that so?

Nick: Yup. Come on in, come on in. That's the kitchen area.

Jess: Very nice.

Nick: This is the common area.

Jess: Oh, okay.

Nick: Dining room, living room, kind of everything.

Jess: It's very nice. Hey...she had a boyfriend...

Nick: Yeah.

Jess: She shouldn't have been flirting with you all night. You can't be her back up plan. You have to let each other go. So now, you have to make a decision. Am I gonna stay locked in a photo booth for the next hour or am I gonna get out there, take my shoes off and dance my face off. [Laughs] Come on, it's up to you. [Leaves]

Nick: Oh, man, all right. [Pats the wall] I love you photo booth. [Leaves]

[Scene: Winston walks into the main room, and looks over at Nick and Caroline talking]

Winston: [Walks over to the table where Jess and Schmidt are] Yo, look at him. He looks better.

[Nick and Caroline]

Nick: I can't do this anymore. I have to let you go, Caroline, for real. It has to be over.

Caroline: [Sighs] Um... [Hugs him]

Nick: Goodbye, good luck and everything.

Caroline: Good bye.

Nick: Alright, um, I've gotta, excuse me. [Walks over to Jess, just as a song comes on] Come on, Jess.

Jess: What?

Nick: Just please? Just come with me, right now. [She gets up and they walk onto the dancefloor and face each other] [Nick starts doing a slow motion chicken dance to the music]

Jess: [Laughs and joins in]

Schmidt: You know, that looks like so much fun. [Gets up and joins in]

Winston: [Laughs and joins in too]

Schmidt: Check out my beats.

Winston: Stop copying my beats.

[Credit Scene: Schmidt tied to Gretchen's bed]

Schmidt: Gretchen, you think that like, hooking up at all these weddings...I mean one of these times, we go on an actual date.

Gretchen: No! I'm just using you for your body.

Schmidt: Oh, okay, cool. How many more of these things?

Gretchen: We're just getting started.

Schmidt: That yellow helmet is... ugh.

Gretchen: Tonight, I'm gonna get certified on the River Schmidt.

END