Spy-Anoia Will Destroy Ya

Synced and corrected By Katniss Everdeen I have your essays, and I must say I was underwhelmed. Underwhelmed? Pshh! Can't be talking about me. I whupped that essay's behind! Okay, I got a "B"? He gave me a "B"? Any good English teacher would know that I deserve an "A". Unless this guy's not a teacher at all. I bet he's an undercover agent sent here to get information on me. I bet that moustache isn't even real! That man is a spy! K. C., shh! What No one can hear me. I'm in my own head. Mr. Enright, can I ask you a question? I'm sure you can, but may you? Just a little English teacher humor. Ask me anything, K. C. Glad you feel that way. Mr. Enright, if that's even your real name, who do you work for? The Arlington Department of Education. Yeah, let's make this easy on the both of us. Who is your contact? Unh! My union rep Harold? I know who you really are. And I also know that that moustache is just as phony as the grade you gave me. My bad. Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. I can't believe it. I asked ten girls to the dance, and all of them said no. Although a couple used stronger words than that. Well, I think you're gonna need my help. Your dad used to be a playa from the Himalayas back in the day-a! All right, your opening line. Let's hear it. You see a pretty girl and you say Oh Breathe. Oh, a little strut? Yeah, playa! Did you know the over-consumption of sodium is a contributing factor of pediatric hypertension? You can't be serious. No, it's true. Studies prove it. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Okay, listen to me. Rule number one for getting a date compliments! Watch this. Well, hello there. Are you an unpaid parking ticket? Because you have "fine" written all over you. Oh, good grief! Ernie, just be yourself. That way, any girl who likes you will like you for you. Now, let's get going. K. C. got in trouble at school. K. C. got in trouble at school? Must be "opposite day. " Which means all the girls that said no must have really meant yes. I have so many dates! Except a date with reality. So, Mr. Enright gives you a "B", and all of a sudden, you think he's a spy? I know it sounds a little wacky, but what do we really know about that guy? He's been teaching at the school for 15 years. That's called "deep cover. " You really believe that when you were a baby, enemy agents planted a teacher at your future high school on the off chance that you'd become a spy? That's how good they are. What the heck am I saying? What is going on with me? Honey, this happens to a lot of new spies. It's called spy paranoia. Also known as "spy-anoia. " No one calls it that. It could catch on. Wait, so I'm just being paranoid? All new agents go through a phase where they think everyone I a spy. We're trained to be alert about everything and everyone. You just got carried away. With your spy-anoia. I know you're anoia-ing me. Heh, now who's making up words? Wait a minute. How do I know that I'm really being paranoid? Maybe you guys aren't even my parents. Maybe you're just telling me I'm paranoid because you think that Oh, wow, how do I fix this? Ohm Ohm Ohm You know what? I don't feel paranoid at all. Oh, good. I'm done. Whew! From now on, the only chakra I'm interested in is Chakra Khan. Sorry I'm late. I was with my new girlfriend, and we lost track of time. Pfft! Are you kidding? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Girlfriend? Okay, um, here's a little spy tip, okay? When you're coming up with a good cover story, you probably want it to be somewhat believable. Hi, everybody, I'm Jolie. And this is my sister K. C. Oh, Ernie's told me so much about you. So, how did you two kids meet? Oh, I just moved here. Today was my first day of school. I was so nervous, until I saw Ernie and thought, boy, he's cute. I'd sure like to meet him. So I went over, and we started talking. Yeah, we made chitchat. As you do. And he started talking about the dangers of sodium and pediatric hypertension. And I was all, like, "Wow, this guy's not only gorgeous, he's smart, too. " In other words, he won her heart by being himself. Jolie's an "A" student, and at her old school, she lettered in four sports. Ernie, stop it. You're embarrassing me. I'm just glad you didn't mention that I also train seeing-eye dogs, and I'm first chair on the bassoon. Well, sweetie, we better hit the books if I'm gonna have enough time to help push that whale back into the ocean before curfew. Let's go. See ya. So nice meeting you guys. What a cute couple! I knew he had it in him. I knew he had it in him! Really? What? What's wrong? Okay, you guys are messing with me, right? Come on! Jolie She's just so whoo! Yeah! You know? And Ernie's just kinda Not following. Okay, let me just spell it out for you guys, okay? Jolie is smart, she's beautiful, interesting. And Ernie He's Ernie. Yeah, well, we Cooper men have a knack for attracting beautiful women. I remember this one hot girl I dated And you married her. No, no, this one was Yes, I married her! Yes, yes Jolie is clearly an undercover spy here to get information on us. You're being ridiculous, K. C. That girl could not scream spy more if she stood on a street corner with a sandwich board that said "I'm a spy" written on both sides while repeatedly screaming, "I'm a spy" at the top of her lungs! Sweetheart, remember what we talked about? Spy paranoia? Spy-anoia. It's not gonna catch on! Not with that attitude it won't! Honey, pull yourself together. You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. Yeah, do some of those. Ohm Ohm Ohm Totally gonna expose that little spy. Ohm I am finally the head of the decorating committee for the dance, and what theme do they stick me with? The I-dees of March. What does that even mean? It means you have to stay awake in history class. And it's the "Ides" of March, okay? It was the day that Caesar was stabbed. How do you dance to that? And more importantly, how do you decorate that? So, the big dance is coming up. I'm going with my girlfriend. Have you met Jolie, my girlfriend? Yep, girlfriend. We get it. You have a girlfriend. Well, we're dating. I don't want to tie myself down. Smart, cute, and funny. What other secrets have you been keeping? Wouldn't you like to know? Hey, K. C. Sorry I'm late. It was my fault. Oh, hey, Jolie. Aren't you just like a zit that won't quit! Just keep poppin' up. Oh, I'll have to take your word for it. I've never had a zit. Anyway, gotta go. Let me guess, you're gonna go volunteer at the soup kitchen? Don't be silly. I do that on Wednesdays. Bye, ladies. I don't trust that girl, okay? Don't you find it a little odd that suddenly she's buddy-buddy with my best buddy? To be fair, I am very likeable. That girl is a spy, okay? And she's here to get information on me and my family. Why would she go to all of that trouble? Because that's what spies do. They gather intel so that they can find your weakness. Or she's just your average, perfect, gorgeous, completely flawless, all-American girl. Look, we need proof, okay? So your assignment is to bring her to my house. Wait, so this is like like a mission? What's my cover identity? Someone who brings her to my house. Can I do it in a Southern accent? No. My, my, it's hotter up here than two goats in a pepper patch. Wow! Cool hangout. Uh, thanks. Make yourself at home. Uh Is this one of those cool massage chairs that you find at the mall? Because, um, it's not very relaxing. K. C. , this isn't right. Even in this harsh lighting, her skin still looks flawless. Oh, thank you. My secret is I absolutely wear no makeup. Um, what exactly is going on here? I think we all know what's going on here. Um, actually, I'm still a little bit confused. But I'm just going with it. Okay, we're just gonna have a little chitchat. Who sent you here? Marisa invited me. Where were you trained? Tap dance or potty? You know what? If you're not gonna talk, you leave us no choice. What is that thing? Oh, it's just a little device I like to call The Tickle Taser. This will get you to talk. Who sent you here? Why are you doing this? Why are you suddenly friends with Marisa? What? She's very likeable! What's going on in here? Uh Nothing. We were just doing a little initiation ceremony. We were actually welcoming Jolie into our little circle of friends. No wonder your circle is so little. Ernie, please. Your sister has been torturing me. I'm not surprised. She's been torturing me my whole life. Why would you torture my girlfriend? Ernie, come on. "Torture" is such a strong word, okay? I would prefer "tickling the truth out of her. " Look, I'm sorry, okay? I thought she was a spy. Why would you think that? Because she's smart, she's funny, and she's super-pretty, and you're Not smart, not funny, not super-pretty? Exactly. No, that's not what I Okay, let's just be honest, okay? You have a 14-year dry spell. And suddenly, out of nowhere, Jennifer Lawrence Jr. Magically drops into your lap after some scintillating conversation about sodium intake? Okay, I get it. Look, I know I'm not exactly the best-looking guy in school or the most athletic. And I know that a girl like Jolie is way out of my league. But what really hurts is that my own sister didn't believe that a girl like that could like me for me. Ernie. I'm so, so sorry, okay? I feel horrible. Good. Mission accomplished. All right You know, I gotta say, you and Ernie are absolutely terrific together. And I'm really hoping that we can put this little incident behind us. It's not gonna be that easy, K. C.. No worries. At my old school, I was voted "best forgiver. " First I was mad about all the attention, but then I forgave them. Or maybe it will be that easy. Hey, Ernie, wanna give me a hand? You are the grill master around here. What are you talking about? The last time he used the grill, we had to get the neighbors a new cat. I'm just trying to make him look good in front of his girl. He doesn't need your help. She likes him for him. Just don't let him anywhere near that propane tank. Excuse me. The grill master's gotta go do his thing. So, uh, we're cool? Everyone makes mistakes. Look, I don't hold grudges, because one day I'll make a mistake, and then, I don't want it held against me. Wow. You really are perfect, aren't you? Well, I'm too modest to say that, but, um, I don't mind if you do. Oh, man, I'm so sorry. Kakoy durak. Moya rubashka! Uh, excuse me. What did you just say? What? Oh, oh, nothing. I-I was just clearing my throat. Moya rubashka. Oh Okay. Clearing her throat, my butt! I know Russian when I hear it. She must be a spy. Ooh, I so want to do my happy dance right now! But first, I have to tell Mom and Dad. Wait, I can't tell them, or they'll think it's spy-anoia. Hey it is catching on. Okay, I have to get some proof. And I know just how to do it. Yes, the secret files are hidden in my locker at school. I'll be there in 30 minutes. Of course no one will follow me. Uh, hey, guys, I'm gonna just go to the grocery store and get some lemonade. But there's plenty right here. Yeah, I'm kinda in the mood for pink lemonade. Oh, well, I guess it never hurts to, uh, shake it up. Where the heck are those secret files? Looking for something? Oh, K. C. You scared me. I, uh, thought you were getting lemonade. Yeah, and what exactly were you doing? I, um had to get my Spanish textbook. Oh. From my locker? And don't you mean your Russian textbook? Wait, why would I need that? I speak fluent Russian. Oh So, now that you've been exposed, what exactly was your assignment? To get close to you and your family, and gather information about your weaknesses. Yes! I knew it! See, I had, like, this gut feeling, and Unh! And now I got another gut feeling. I'm gonna take you down. Bring it. Ooh, are those the new Laser Stud Earrings? I've been asking for those for months. Yes, my handler got me them for my birthday. Oh, when's your birthday? Last week. Oh, happy birthday. Thank you. I'm gonna get ya! Well, I thought this would go on longer, but I guess it's time to end this. Okay I don't think so. Because you're not the only one with cool jewelry. K. C. , what happened here? You ruined all of my hard work. Okay, your hard work. Marisa, I was right, okay? Jolie, she was a spy. I cannot wait to tell Ernie that she never even liked him, and she was using him the entire time. Hey, to soften the blow, why don't you throw him into a cactus first? Or, better yet, release a honey badger on his face. Yeah, I, uh, see your point. You know what? New plan, Red. You're going back undercover for one final mission. I'm sorry I had to end it this way. You're such a great guy. I know. We'll always have Monday. And most of Tuesday. Oh, hi Daddy. So, uh, where's Jolie going? You're not gonna believe this. Jolie just got the call from NASA. She's gonna be the first teen in space. There's nothing that girl can't do. Except come up with a believable story. Excuse me? Oh, nothing. Uh, I was just saying I know how much you guys liked each other. You good? I will be, I guess. By the way, I owe you a big apology. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I just I guess I didn't realize that my dorky little brother was turning out to be a pretty cool guy. We're good. Hey, are those new earrings? Oh. Just a little something I picked up. Rob, your name's on TV!