Merry Merry It Up

(On radio) Jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh. Radio DJ: Hello, Chicago! It's a nippy negative-two degrees outside, perfect holiday weather. Yeah, if the holiday is Freeze Off Your Tinsel Day! We've got your favorite Christmas music coming up, but first, a special promotion from Pete's Elite Pool and Spa. Be the 10th caller, and you'll win a brand new hot tub! Please, Saint Nick, let me be the 10th caller. I won't ask you for anything else for the rest of Congratulations! You're our 10th caller! Today. Thank you! Thank you! This is the best Christmas ever! Ooh! You sound a little young. You have to be 18 or older to win. Oh, no problem, I was just dialing for my mom! Let me put her on the phone. Mom! You won! (British accent) Well, hello there, young man. Pip-pip, cheerio and all that. Now, what's this scuttlebutt about me being a wimmer? Oh, sorry, ma'am. The contest is only open to American citizens. Oh! Then you need to speak to my husband. (Southern accent) God bless the US of A, and Merry Christmas, y'all! I can't believe I'm on the radio. I'm as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin' chairs! So, what's this about me winning something? DJ: Well, this sounds like it's all on the up-and-up. Hang on, and we'll get that hot tub delivered to you right away. (In normal voice) That's great! (British accent) I mean, cheers, darling! (Southern accent) I mean, yee-haw! Giddy up! Wow! This is more work than I thought it'd be. Everybody, everybody, get out on the floor. It can get a little crazy when the kick hits the 4. Make a scene, make a scene, nobody can ignore. Don't knock it. 'Til you rock it. We can't take it no more. Bring the lights up, bust the doors down. All together now. Shake It Up, Shake It Up. Shake It Up. Who knew that one of the benefits of dating your mom, was getting to be the household Handyman? I hate to break it to you, but as the boyfriend, you're also going to be the "taste this, has it gone bad?" Guy. Believe me, I know, I told your mom "If you can chew the milk, it's gone bad!" Okay! All ready to go. Wow, your mom is really gonna be surprised by this gift. Especially since it's not for her. This baby's mine. All mine! I see the Christmas spirit burns bright in this one! Look at me, I'm a warm little wonton. Yeah, don't get used to it. Mom's gonna have that thing out of here faster than the Chihuahua you brought home that turned out to be a giant rat. Wait, Mr. Skimbles was a rat? I I let him lick my face! Oh (Gagging) Hey, Cec, hey, Rocks. Oh, goody! Jeremy's here! Again. Oh! Check it out! I just set up the Christmas tree. What? What Where's the 10-foot pine? That's what we get every year, not this This vertical Vegas! Why don't we just put all our presents under Elton John? Are you out of your mind? Real trees are a fire hazard. And this bad boy saves lives, saves the environment, and if you stand right next to it, you get extra bars on your phone! Wow. I never realized. Hey, maybe I should talk my parents into getting a fake tree. Whose side are you on? Uh no one's. Yours? Whatever side will get me out of this conversation. Look, this is ridiculous. It doesn't even smell like a tree. Oh! Does now! (Sniffing) Mmm! Smells like Christmas. (Sniffs) And my bathroom. It smells like you're wrong. That's not how it works in this house. We pick out our tree together, we drag it home together, and we decorate it together. My mom's gonna hate this more than diet chocolate. Well, thanks for the tip. But, by the way, your mom and I actually picked out this tree together. Okay! You know what? Ever since you started going out with my mom, it's like you're just trying to take over everything. The DVR is full of football games, there's weird health food in the fridge, my mom suddenly cares what she looks like, and now you're trying to change Christmas? - Cec, I didn't mean to - No! And for the hundredth time My name is not "Cec," it's "ce-ce". As in, "CeCe you later!" Come on, Rocky. For what it's worth, I think you made some excellent points about fire safety and trees, especially about this time of year - CeCe: Rocky! - Sorry! Hey! What was that all about? Oh, just a little tree disagreement. We had a difference of o-pine-ion. I gotta get to work. I'll see you later. Hey, Flynnie, I've been meaning to ask you. Where did this hot tub come from? Hot tub? What hot tub? Deuce! What are you doing here? Last I heard, you were going with your family on a cruise to Cabo San Lucas. I believe your last words were, "Feliz Navidad, suckers!" I missed the trip! There's so many kids in my family. My Abuela always says that if we don't stick to the schedule, we're getting left behind. I spend a couple of minutes in the airport bathroom, working on a particularly difficult zit, and next thing I know, they're gone. Not all of them. You got a couple right here! (Laughs) Really? Like my day isn't going bad enough already? All right, man, relax, look, you spend the holiday with us, all right? But don't get too excited. We have family in town, so you'll probably still be sleeping under a table. That's cool. I was gonna sleep next to a toilet on the cruise, so this is a step up! Hey! I wish me a Merry Christmas. I wish me a Merry Christmas. I wish me a Merry Christmas. And a fully automated beverage delivery system! Ah! (Smacks lips) Life is good. Oh, good, you're home. Hey, home is where the hot tub is. CeCe! Hey, mom. What is it? Come here, you guys. I want to talk to you. - I'll bring up my grades! - It was like that when I got home! What? Both: (Innocently) Nothing. Okay, well (Breathes deeply) I don't know any other way to say this except I just broke up with Jeremy. Wait. You said what? But I love that guy! He's a ray of manly sunshine in this cesspool of girliness! I know, Jeremy is a very, very nice person, but, ultimately, he wasn't for me. Wow. Really? Are you sure about this, mom? Yeah! Yeah. I just didn't see any future for us. It's okay! Not all relationships work out. Don't worry, mom. I'm sure there's a great guy right around the corner who will be perfect for you. Aw, thanks, Sweetie. And I want to be there for you! By your side, through it all. Two single gals in the city, looking for love. CeCe, you're too young to date. So what I'm hearing is, you'll think about it. What you're hearing is, "no". Raquel Oprah Blue! Are you snooping under my bed looking for your Christmas present? What? (Stammering) Absolutely not! Okay? I Was looking for one of my contact lenses. But then I realized I don't wear contact lenses! You also don't lie very well. Anyways, I have great news. My mom and Fireman Jeremy are kaput! Over! Let's celebrate. Happy dance. Happy dance. And a side-step. Happy dance, side-step. Happy dance. Woo! Come on, girl, happy-dance with me! - Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! - CeCe. CeCe. CeCe! Happy dance. How can you be so jazzed that your mom's relationship didn't work out? Especially when she seemed so happy with Jeremy. Ah! But she wasn't happy. She broke up with him. Okay, wait a minute. So your mom broke up with a hot, employed fireman who actually tolerates her cooking? Yes! And it all worked out for the best. Rocky, don't bother looking for your Christmas present. You're never going to find it. Because you haven't bought it yet? No! I bought it. I just hid it at the department store. Under a pile of things that look just like it. Mmm. Happy two days before Christmas, Ms. Jones! Mmm, yeah! Whatever. Um, it's the middle of the afternoon. What are you still doing in your bathrobe? I don't know. I guess time flies when you're single. Ms. Jones, are you all right? Yeah. I guess I should get dressed. Or maybe I'll take a nap. We'll see how I feel after I eat what's left of that meatball sub on my nightstand. (Smacks lips) Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay! What's with you? Well, apparently, there are a million and one Martinez family Christmas traditions, and they all seem to involve me working my butt off. Wow, sounds like you need to chill out in the tub and tell Dr. Jones all about it. Deuce is driving me crazy! Oh, wait, that's not how the Martinez's say it. I mean, "Deuce is driving me loco!" I'm starting to think his family forgot him on purpose. Wow, this calls for something a little stronger. Gonna kick the jets up to 11. Ty! What are you doing? We've got to make the Twelve Tamales of Christmas! You can't have Christmas without the Twelve Tamales! - It's a Martinez family tradition! - Martinez family tradition. I know! I know! Okay, we've got to do something about your mom. I know! She's sitting around in her bathrobe instead of Christmas shopping! I don't think she's gotten me more than two or three Christmas gifts yet. Well, I'm hoping one of them is a little box of empathy. Ooh! Empathy! Is that the new Lady Gaga perfume? Come on, CeCe. She's obviously very upset about the breakup. Oh, she said it herself, "breakups happen". She'll get over it. You know what? That is really harsh. I don't know how you sleep at night. Well, in a couple of days, I'll be sleeping in those super-cute PJs you got me for Christmas. Just because you can't find my gift doesn't mean I can't find yours. (Both muttering dismissively) Rocky: (Imitating ghost) Ooh! (Stifled laughter) Ooooh! Ooh oh, just wake up already! Rocky, what are you doing here? I'm not Rocky. I am the Ghost of Christmas Dance. The Ghost of Christmas Dance? Oh, give me a break. Go home! (Exclaims fearfully) Whoa. Maybe I shouldn't have had that glass of chewy milk before bed. So what exactly does the Ghost of Christmas Dance do? Well, the first thing we do is a big Christmas-themed production number. In my bedroom? Yeah, good point, all right. CeCe, don't just sit there. (Jingling music playing) Dance! Uh, but I don't know the choreography. CeCe, it's a dream. Everyone knows the right moves in a dream. (Vocalizing) Who's that dude in the cherry-red suit. Tearing up the floor tonight? He's shaking his hips. Got a sack full of gifts. And a beard that's crazy white. He's got the party rocking. Candy canes and stockings. Dancing like he's Michael. Spinning like the vinyl. Sleigh bells in the air. Favorite time of year. When wishes come true. That's how we do. Yeah, that's how we do. Shake, Santa, shake it. We know you're gonna take it. To the house tonight. Shake, Santa, shake it. We know you're gonna take it. Naughty never looked so nice. We want that merry, merry. We want that merry, merry. We want that merry, merry. Ho, ho, ho, yeah. We want that merry, merry. We want that merry, merry. We want that merry, merry. Ho, ho, ho, yeah. Calling all my boys and girls. Shake It Up around the world. Everybody celebrate. Drop the beat and hit the brake. Shake, Santa, shake it. We know you're gonna take it. To the house tonight. Shake, Santa, shake it. We know you're gonna make it. The best night of our lives. We want that merry, merry. We want that merry, merry. We want that merry, merry. Ho, ho, ho, yeah. We want that merry, merry. We want that merry, merry. We want that merry, merry. Ho, ho, ho, yeah. Merry, merry! Merry, merry! Merry, merry! Ho, ho, ho, yeah. Ho, ho, ho, yeah. (Audience cheering) Oh! Thank you, Ghost of Christmas Dance. Now if you don't mind, I'm going back to sleep. Before you showed up, I was dreaming that One Direction was fighting over me. And I couldn't decide which direction to go in! Not so fast. First, I have to show you a moment from Christmas past. This is Christmas past? Yep. Two years ago, real tree, no hot tub. And, more importantly, no Jeremy! Yeah, funny you should mention that. Mom, is there anything you want from Santa? Uh yeah! Tell him to put a hot fireman in my stocking. Dear Santa, please bring my mom a new sense of humor. This one is way inappropriate. See? This is why your mom is so upset. Because Jeremy is exactly what she wished for. Again She broke up with him. Besides, I'm sure there's plenty of other hot firemen in the sea. Or at least a nice accountant who has most of his hair. We'll see about that. Next, I'm gonna take you to the future. Isn't that usually a job for a different ghost? Yeah. (Chuckles) This dream is on a budget. We spent most of the money on the big production number. Whoa! My English paper's gonna be later than usual. (Knocking on door) I got it, (Coughing) Mom! That's okay, Flynnie, I'll get it. I know you don't like to get out of the hot tub more than once a week. Uh, okay, why is Flynn so old, but yet my mom looks so good? Well, she had work done. She can afford it, since she didn't have to pay to send you to college. (Gasps) I got a scholarship to college? Sure! Let's go with that. Okay, now look. Robotic voice: Another Saturday night at home with your son who never accomplished anything, Ms. Jones? Says the robot who delivers Chinese food. I don't see you planning any missions to Mars. After your mom broke up with Jeremy, she never had another man in her life besides Flynn. Honey, taste this. Has it gone bad? For the last time! Not my fault! She broke up with him! Yes, but let me show you why. (Sighs) (Gibbering) What was that? I told you, we're on a budget. Boy! Crusty's sure has gone downhill over the last 30 years! CeCe, this is Crusty's in the present. Now, see over there? Your mom is breaking up with Jeremy. I'm sorry, Jeremy. As much as I like you, and I like you more than any guy I've met in a long, long Long Time. This relationship can't continue. Is it the belching? Is it all the firehouse chili? Is it the belching up all the firehouse chili? No! No. A little. But mostly, it's because of the tension between you and CeCe. I'm sorry, Jeremy, I really like you. But my children are everything to me, and This just isn't gonna work out. Okay. I understand. But If you ever need anything. You know who to call. Excuse me. A cheese pizza, please. Make it a large. No, make it an extra-large. No, you know, I need a large and an extra-large. Going through a breakup, huh? Tell you what, let's forget the pizza, let me bring you a nice, healthy salad. Don't forget, you're back on the market! (Crying) I am back on the market! Oh, no! It is all my fault! They're obviously meant to be together. - I feel horrible! - Well, then my job here is done. Peace on Earth. Out! What day is it? What day is it? CeCe, we've been over this. Yesterday was Sunday No! Did I miss Christmas? - It's Christmas Eve. - Good! Then there's still time. Are you in the hot tub again? Hey, if being in the hot tub is wrong, I don't want to be right! (On machine) You've reached Jeremy. Please leave a message after the siren. (Siren blaring) Jeremy, it's CeCe. This is an emergency. I need a fireman right away. Please hurry! You might want to lay off the Christmas cookies, my friend. Because I have seen the future, (Whispering) And it ain't pretty. Please don't hurt me, Santa! I've been good! I swear! I was giving out toys to kids down at the firehouse, when I heard CeCe's message on the voice mail about an emergency. An an emergency? There's no emergency! Yes, there is an emergency. An emotional emergency. I can't bear to think that I'm standing between you and your happiness. I owe you both a huge apology. The Ghost of Christmas Dance showed me the Chinese food delivery robot, and Flynn was old and large. And then we had this really big Christmas production number. Okay. (Sighs) I've been a jerk. I guess I'm just not used to sharing my mom with anyone. Well, I can totally understand that. When you have something this fantastic, it's hard to share. Look, I still hate the fake tree, but I'm gonna work really hard at getting along with Jeremy so that You two can be happy. (Chuckling) The Universe sent you this gift, mom. You two deserve to be together. Okay, so, what do you say we forget about the fact that I need a new front door. And we pretend that that crack in the ceiling is mistletoe? Ooh! I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus! Barf! Yeah. Barf. (All singing Christmas song in Spanish) (Singing in Spanish) - Ty and Deuce: Hey! - Opa! (All laughing) Oh, man, this is really nice, guys. And, Ty, thanks for putting up with all my family traditions. I know it was a little bit of a pain. Oh man don't be ridiculous, you weren't a little bit of a pain You were a huge pain! So, isn't this hot tub awesome guys? And the best part is you don't even have to get out to use the bathroom. - Aw! - Oh, come on! Ah, just how I like it. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good soak.