The Office (US) Season 1 Deleted Scenes

Pilot
Deleted Scene 1 Dwight: Dwight Schrute. My father's name, also Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name, Dweide Schrude, Amish. That's my family. I don't know where they came, the Amish, came from originally. Uh, Amland. Michael: [holding up a Dundie and pretending it is talking] Hello. I'm Michael Scott. I'm the best boss in the world. Jim: My name is Jim Halpert and I am a sales rep, which is a very important job. Um, without me dozens literally dozens of small businesses would go paperless. They would have to write on their hands, or bed sheets, or who knows you know. Total chaos, total chaos. I mean or they could get their paper somewhere else. Staples maybe. I don't know. Deleted Scene 2 Michael: Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam? Pam: I guess. Michael: Yeah, at one time or another every guy in the office has sprayed on Pam. Pam: What? Michael: Messages? Deleted Scene 3 Dwight: People respond to the human touch and that's what I give them. I can look at a client and I can say, "Hello, how are you? How's business been going?" And we can go back and forth for sometime and uh, then I'll say, How much, how many reams do you want?" And they'll order it and then I'll take care of all the sales. I'll make sure that they get that paper. And they appreciate that. Deleted Scene 4 Michael: Ah, right here. Three Stooges. High five. [Michael and Ryan high five] Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. [camera cuts to Pam then back to Michael] Now, who was the one before Curly? Ryan: Uh, Shemp. Michael: Curly? Very good. Curly Joe DeRita. Ryan: Just Curly. Joe DeRita was different. Michael: Well, comedy's kinda my thing. Watch this, here's Curly Joe. Mmm. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, I forgot. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm Hitler. Right. [Continues with cod German] Me, me, me, me, me, me. Curly Joe Hitler. [laughs] Deleted Scene 5 Michael: All these people are walking around and they're happy and their lives are just going along, ignorance is bliss. But if they knew what was lurking on the other side of that fence that furry monster. [imitating monster] "I'm gonna get you, downsizing." No. They wouldn't... They'd freak. And I'm not going to play God. They look to me for support. And they look to me for guidance and leadership. And I think if I could lie to them and it serves them, then that's what I'm going to do. Deleted Scene 6 Michael: So this is our sales staff. They are the ones who are making calls and making us lots of money. [comes to a screeching halt and laughs] This is accounting. The numbers dudes. Do not let the job description fool you, they are all completely crazy. Especially that guy, he is a mental patient. [camera zooms in on Kevin] Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. The last place you'd want somebody like that is accounting. [hides behind office plant] "Very interesting, but stupid." Artie Johnson. It's a crazy place. Deleted Scene 7 Angela: My name is Angela and um, I'm in charge of the accounting department. There are three of us, Kevin and Oscar. Oscar: It's my job to keep the books in order. And, um, I... I'm, uh, immediately below my supervisor. Angela: Oscar, how do I describe him. He's like a stapler. Do I need a stapler? Yes. But, I'm still the one that has to push it down. Oscar: There's a lot of anxiety. I don't want to get laid off. This place is like five minutes from my house. Kevin: I don't wanna be laid off. This is a good job for me. 'Cause I need my nights free. I'm in a band. Angela: Not very worried about downsizing right now. Because, uh, I think you've met Kevin and um... Oscar: Can I just say one thing? Um, my friend is Jewish, Art Geller. And a couple of years ago he, um, showed me how you can plant a tree in Israel, so I planted a tree. So... You know 'cause... Yeah we work in paper. Well, you know, I try to give back. Angela: I have a lot of cat figurines on my desk. I think cats, really, are old souls. And, uh, Phyllis thinks so too. Deleted Scene 8 Michael: What you don't know... Well, it can hurt you, but if you don't know it won't hurt you. Then, you can just be happy for a little while at least. Deleted Scene 9 Michael: What's that? Pam: Wired. Michael: Oh, John Belushi. What a crazy guy. Phew, freaked myself out this morning. Pam: Oh, yeah. Michael: Yeah. I thought I found a lump. I checked the, uh... I check the jewels every month. This time... You know, it's a little different. It was fine. It was fine. But freaky, man, you know. Testicular cancer, God. Cancer, whoa testicles. So... What's, um... What you eating? Pam: Smoked turkey. Michael: Oh, place around the corner. Nice. All right. See you later. Deleted Scene 10 Michael: Do I need to speak up? [grabs boom microphone] Hello. Deleted Scene 11 Documentary Crew Member: [boom microphone drops into the camera shoot] Can you move it out? Can you move it? Is that all right? Can you make that work? Dwight: That's fine. Documentary Crew Member: [new take] No, you don't even need ... That's fine. We'll keep it... Dwight: I'm sorry it makes me nervous. Documentary Crew Member: Understood, but it is what we need to capture what you're saying as clearly as possible. Dwight: I understand. It's in a blind spot because I'm trained in several martial arts and one of them, uh, includes, uh, an awareness that the masters bring, uh, of anything on all sides of you. It could be behind you or whatever. This is directly in a blind spot, so I'm trained to respond negatively to something right above my head. [new take] This now I have an eye on. You see, it's on my periphery and if I needed to block it, attack it, stop it somehow. [does a martial arts move with his hands] I could come right out. I mean, I know you're doing your job, but... Documentary Crew Member: [talking over Dwight] It's... Dwight: I'm doing my job. Deleted Scene 12 Michael: I think better to be a happy idiot then a, um... Then someone who knows the truth.

Diversity Day
Deleted Scene 1 Mr. Brown: Thanks for filling these out. I promise this will be quick. We only have about an hour. Michael: Yeah. I would like to see us erase 100 years of racism in an hour. Mr. Brown: Does this company have 100 years to erase? Michael: No, the country. Mr. Brown: Oh right, more like 200 years. Michael: Yeah, more like a 1,000. Mr. Brown: Okay, um. Uh, I'll try to make this quick. Deleted Scene 2 Dwight: I am a salesman, okay. And I don't think we should be doing this during prime sales hours. If you can prove to me that diversity is going to help my sales, I'll go elephant running with James Earl Jones. I really will, but not on spec. Deleted Scene 3 Mr. Brown: HERO, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness. Michael: I just think that HERO? It's cute, but it's... It's empty, you know? It's easy. Dwight, you know what, I came up with some terms of my own. Could you put these on the board? The first one is Inclusion, New Attitudes, Color-blind... Mr. Brown: Oh, nice. Michael: Expectations.... Mr. Brown: Good. Michael: Thank you. Sharing... Mr. Brown: Great. Michael: And tolerance. Mr. Brown: Beautiful. Pam: Um, that spells incest. Mr. Brown: Oh, my sorry. That is not appropriate. Michael: Well, it's not ideal but you have to give me some credit 'cause I made it into a word. Mr. Brown: Yeah, but it's not appropriate. This is not helpful as a memory aid. Michael: I will give you a number of reasons why it is, actually. Okay, first, incest is bad. Racism is bad. No brainer, right? Two, incest. We're all a family, right? We're all brothers and sisters. Racial message? Um? Number three, and this is a fact. The states where they have a lot of racism are the states where they have a lot of incest. Okay? And finally... Mr. Brown: Okay, Michael, I just... Michael: No, no, no, no, wait. Final one, final one this is important. The more we can encourage interracial dating as a society the further away we get from incest, literally. Pam: It would've been just as easy for him to spell insect. Of course, that wouldn't have made any sense either. Deleted Scene 4 Mr. Brown: Does anyone have anything else at all? Anyone besides Michael? Ryan: I have something. Mr. Brown: Yes, please. Ryan: Um, well I grew up here in Scranton and when I was a kid the guy who lived next door was a former baseball player, who actually played pro ball before the leagues were integrated. And he had the most incredible stories about... Michael: Okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry this guy's a temp and I should've told you that. Mr. Brown: No, no, no, no. An outsider's perspective would probably be pretty helpful. Michael: Yeah, but no, seriously. Uh, you know, he's not a member of the full staff so, uh, Ryan you wanna just step outside? Ryan: What do you want me to do? Michael: Well, maybe you should go down to the parking lot. You know what. Yes, go down to the parking lot and check to se if any of our guests have parked in the handicapped spots. Cool? 'Cause the handicaps get a raw deal. Oh, you know what. That ties right into New Attitudes. New attitudes about handicap people. Very important. Mr. Brown: I'm sorry, Michael. We're actually out of time. Pam: Yeah, um, there's good things about Michael. He uh, uh... Yeah, definitely. Um... Deleted Scene 5 Michael: "In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck." [laughing] He's going to lose it when he reads that. Doh! Hogan! Not again, Hogan! Get Col. Burkhalter on the phone! [laughing] I'm kind of a Hogan around here. And kind of, Jan is kind of Col. Burkhalter, then Dwight is Schultz. But, it's... Oh, God. We have fun. We have fun. 'Cause he's gonna be pissed. [making voice] No doubt about it. Deleted Scene 6 Dwight: What you doing? Jim: Freecell. Dwight: Solitaire is a one-player game. It can't have two players. Jim: Well, I mean. Dwight: What's your win rate? Pam: Seventy-six percent. What's yours? Dwight: You're not allowed to play two-player. You need to start over. Pam: You're doing fine. Deleted Scene 7 Michael: Are we going? [Dwight puts four fingers in front of the camera to start a countdown] Don't do that. Just say action when we're ready. Dwight: Dunder Mifflin, Michael Scott, Diversity Tomorrow, take four. And action. Michael: [mumbling] Should I... turn, no. Do it again. Dwight: Diversity Tomorrow, take five. Action. Michael: Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles... Damn it. Okay, sorry. Don't laugh; please don't laugh this time Dwight. You're... it's, it's bugging me. Let me give myself a countdown, ready? Three, two, one. Dwight: Take six. Michael: Just let me do it! God! Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton... Keep the camera steady please! People are gonna get sea sick watching this. Ready? Three, two, one. Dwight: Action. Michael: Don't. Please don't say anything. [sighs] Oh, God. Dwight: And action... Lights, camera, action. Whenever you're ready. Michael: Could I count myself down please, Dwight. Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace. Dwight: Cut. Deleted Scene 8 Michael: [wandering around the room during his diversity exercise] I want you to push it. I want you to push 'cause breakthroughs are right around the corner. Something's going to pop here. Something's going to pop between a party. Feel what it's like to be in someone else's skin. What does it feel like to be a different race? It feels pretty bad doesn't it. So let that come out. Deleted Scene 9 Michael: Yeah, I marched on Washington back in the day. I went to the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial, U.S. Mint, congressman talked to our class. It was pretty cool. Michael: Talk like you're talking to that race. I have a feeling that this could get kind of volatile. So keep it going. [camera shows Devon sitting outside with West Nile] Deleted Scene 10 Jim: Um, what's going on here? Pam: People treat us like the race on our forehead. And then we guess what race we are. Jim: Ah, good. Good luck. Doing good. [goes to the index cards and writes another race down] Dwight: Oh, man, am I a woman? Jim: Yes, yes. Dwight: God! Jim: How embarrassing is it? That's not fair. Here... Dwight: It's not fair. Jim: Try this. [takes Dwight's 'Asian' race and switches it with the one he wrote] Dwight: Thank you. Thank you very much. Jim: Go get 'em. Dwight: Good. [clears throat] So, am I a hunter gather culture? Pam: No. Dwight: Do I live near a harbor or an ocean? Pam: No. Dwight: No, I'm an inland. Am I a mountainous? Pam: No. Dwight: Am I nomadic? Pam: No. Dwight: Okay, okay, okay, okay. I think I got this. Um, I am treated in a foreign way with a great deal of prejudice. Am I one of those tribes in Africa? The piggies, or whatever? Pam: No. Dwight: No. But I am, I am human, right? [Pam hesitates] Dwight: [Dwight's new race is 'Dwight'] I could be French. Dwight: [takes his 'Dwight' race off his forehead] Damn it, Jim! That's not funny, Jim! Michael: Oh, okay. Here we go, breakthrough radar. What happened? What happened here? Pam: It didn't have anything to do with race. Michael: Okay, all right. Let's keep on track. Keep on point. Let's do it. Deleted Scene 11 Pam: One time we had an ethnic festival in Scranton. One time. Michael: Try my googi, googi. [Lowering voice] Try my googi, googi. [High-pitched voice] Try my googi, googi. Try my... [Kelly slaps Michael] All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Kelly thank you. [claps] She's not here, but she gets it. That's what we have been looking for. The whole time. [trying not to cry] Oh, man. This is what I thrive on. You know? It's like Don Rickles on acid, man. Right? Jim: Um, why did she slap Martin Luther King? Michael: What, huh? Pam: What card was she? Jim: I think she wasn't wearing a card. Michael: It's good. This is good. We got it happening now. All right? Let's keep it rolling. Let's round it up.