Peter's Sister

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Hey. What are you working on? Oh, just trying to make some sense of these numbers. (women moaning, giggling) What the What did you hit? What happened to my spreadsheet? What exactly was the endgame if I hadn't walked in? Ugh, there's nothing worse than grocery shopping on the day before Thanksgiving. (turkey thuds) Yeah, that's the sound a rich family's turkey makes. There's still a lot more groceries in the car. Well, it's not a race. Take a break. Ugh, if you knew how close we were to putting you down last year. Geez, what's her problem? Eh, Thanksgiving's exhausting. You know what she could use? A little sip of that drink I invented. Hi! Stewie Griffin here with my latest creation: Monster Energy Drink. What is it? I don't know, but it's free from this truck that stopped outside your work. Mix it with booze. Ever been wide-awake-blacked-out? Ever try to jump over a train on a bike? Ever bit the beak off a bird? Monster Energy: put it in your body and ask questions later. It's green, so it's nature. TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Guy Friends. So, you must be pretty pumped. For what? Oh. Olympics. Oh, yeah. I guess that's starting soon. I thought you were a big Olympics guy. Yeah, I like 'em okay. Huh. Guy friends A computer made us roommates in college That's why we're friends Guy friends! Mail's here. Any fliers of Hispanic women running for city council? Yeah, there is. Thank you. Peter, you got a letter from your sister Karen. What? You've got a sister, Dad? How come we've never met her? Is she a prim and proper aunt ("ONT") or a big, fat, dirty aunt ("ANT")? I have no obligation to tell any of you anything. Mr. Griffin has shown good faith in appearing here today and will not be subjected to this sort of hostile interrogation. Your father doesn't like to talk about his sister, Meg. They've never really gotten along. Wow, Peter. In all the years I've known you, you've never even mentioned a sister. Big deal, I don't talk about my sister. I also don't talk about that tickling uncle. All right, Uncle Dan, remember: no tickling. (chuckles) You got it. (laughing) You didn't say anything about Uncle Neil. Whose uncles are you? It says here your sister's coming for Thanksgiving. She what? CHRIS: If we're having guests, can I invite Rosario Vargas from the third district, a leader you can depend on? I don't want Karen here. Peter, you've been avoiding your sister for too long. Besides, she says she's been having Thanksgiving with your mother for the last 20 years. And now that your mom has passed, she'd like to spend Thanksgiving with you. (whispering) No. Peter, Karen's coming and that's that. How cool! I didn't even know I had an aunt. I can't wait to meet her. Look, I'm telling you guys, it's gonna be a disaster. Just like the alternate ending of Back to the Future. Well, if I'm gonna disappear into nothing, I might as well bang my mom. Hey, Lorraine, wait up! Hi! My name's Marty! I'm in a picture! To be contondered! TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Cosby Show, knowing what we know now. (The Cosby Show theme playing) Huh. I was so busy not seeing color, I didn't see the raping, either. Okay, everyone. It'll be another hour before the turkey's done, but I made more appetizers. Ooh, grape jelly on a Triscuit. You're a whiz. Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. Save your appetite. And don't think I haven't noticed you've already had two drinks. You're, like, all the worst parts of a girlfriend. (doorbell rings) Oh. That must be Karen. I'll get it. Aunt Karen? And you must be Meg. Do that to me! (giggling) Wow, it's so cool that I've got an aunt I didn't know about. Oh, Karen, I'm so happy you could make it. Lois Pewterschmidt. The one that got away. I'm just joshing, kid. Auntie's not a biscuit-bumper. (laughter) (laughs) I'm not, either! (laughs) Peter, come say hello to your sister. (sighs) Fine. Hey, Karen. Welcome to our Bring it in, Pee Pee! (farts) (laughter) I like her. Hello. I am City Councilwoman Rosario Vargas. Quahog doesn't work if it doesn't work for all of us. That's a beautiful pantsuit, Ms. Vargas. Wow, Karen, nice to meet you. I'm Glenn Quagmire. I didn't know Peter even had a sister. What are you, ashamed of me, Chin Nuts? Oh, my God. His chin kind of does look like nuts. Ha, ha! I never noticed that. How could you not notice it? Watch this, I-I'll punch him in the nuts. Eh, sort of clever. Wait a second. I know you. You're that lady wrestler. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's right. Hey, w-what do they call you again? Heavy Flo. You're Heavy Flo! In the flesh and blood. Gross. Man, you're amazing. I remember when you called out Andrea the Giant the day after September 11. What just happened was a national tragedy, but it's nothing compared to what I'm gonna do to Andrea the Giant! We will never forget what happened yesterday, but you'll also never forget what's gonna happen September 17 at the Jack Witschi Sports Arena! Peter, I can't believe you've kept your sister a secret. She's amazing! Yeah, she's crazy strong. Like Superman on a date. Yeah, I wasn't here, but I heard her scream, so I came flying in and found her like this. It's weird. Same cause of death as those three guys in that local public bathroom. Unsolvable. Now do you see why I didn't want Karen here, Lois? She terrorized me my whole childhood. Now she's got to embarrass me in front of my friends? Peter, Bonnie just changed Joe on the table. What are you worried about? Still, I don't want to go back out there. Look, I know you've had your differences, but Karen's your sister. And you're grown-ups now. Can't you just go out there and pretend to have a good time? Fine, I'll play along. I guess I've lied before. Where you going? Home. Where's home? The White House. Okay, I'm here. This is my house. You can go now. Thanks for taking me home. Go ahead, go inside. I will. You can drive away now. No, no, I-I want to make sure you get inside safe. Yeah, but I-I got to look through the mail first. You know how it is. Really, I insist. I-It's totally okay. Go. At this point, it's more about me than it is you. It's a bad neighborhood. If I don't see you go inside, I'll be thinking about it all night. (sighs) (whispering) Uh come on in, Mr. President! (laughter) And then, so I'm like, "Peter, how was I supposed to know you didn't want your teammates to know you wore a bra?" (laughter) It was a custom-designed sports halter top. More stories! More stories! Hey, tell one where Peter is a nincompoop or maybe a Silly Billy. (laughs) Oh, man. Okay, let's just carve the turkey. Oh, Aunt Karen already carved it. She did? But that's my thing. I always do my "are you a leg man or a breast man" joke. Aunt Karen did that, too. It was hilarious. I never really got it until she said it. Ha, ha! Hey, Karen, later you got to show us some of your wrestling holds. Yeah, what's that trademark finishing move of yours? The Toxic Shock. Oh, yeah, that move is badass! You're awesome. Know what else is awesome? This stuffing. Thank you, Glenn. You're welcome. I'm in a good mood. Sure, what the hell, I'll show you my moves. Maybe after dinner. No, no, no. The family football game is after dinner. We do it every year! Peter, calm down. You're making a scene. It's not my fault, Lois. She's ruining Thanksgiving! The way Tim Burton ruined the Fourth of July! Spooky! Happy! Spooky! Happy! Weirdness! Weirdness! Spooky! Happy! La, la, la! Weirdness, weirdness Patriotic weirdness Barbecuing human heads Every president is dead Everybody's gonna die Have a dark and dead July! (yowls) Fat chicks with black hair get tattoos of me! God, I love this time of year. It's just past all the amazing colors of fall, and before the white of winter. Just brown and gray. Magical. All right, let's do this. All right, listen up, I'm the captain. The teams are chosen by a lottery system where Aunt Karen, can I be on your team? Yeah, yeah, me, too! Uh, yeah, sure, I'll take, uh, Meg, Skinny, Hot Chocolate and The Bus. Pee Pee, you get the crumbs. Let's go. All right, let's do it, Pop! I'm gonna make some sports points for you! We'll kick off. Hey, time-out! Did anyone tape the parade? Please tell me someone taped the parade! (grunts) (sighs) (groaning) Oh, my God! She's doing The Toxic Shock! (groaning) (gasping, wheezing) Y-Y-You're a j-jerk, K-K-Karen! What the hell was that? That's his stutter. And whenever he stutters, he usually pees his pants. N-No, I d-d-don't. (groans): Oh. So this is football. I like it. Hi, Dad. Look, I-I just want you to know, I feel bad about what happened with you and Aunt Karen the other day. Oh, you mean when she put me in that no-bottom James Bond chair and assaulted my grundle? I didn't even know about that. Well, that's 'cause it didn't happen. I'd kick her ass if she tried something like that! Dad, stop. Even I can see that your sister's a huge bully. And trust me, I know more about getting bullied than anyone. You do? How? Celebrate good times, come on Let's celebrate Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh Celebrate good times, come on. Man, I love that song. Dad, what I'm trying to tell you is, I now see why you've been so tough on me all these years. 'Cause it makes my friends laugh? No, because that's how Aunt Karen treated you when you were a kid. (gasps loudly) That's right. And that's why you need to confront Karen. Oh, no. Oh, no. No, I can't do that. I tried for years to stand up to her. Nothing ever worked. What, so now you're gonna quit? You can't quit. What if Muhammad Ali had quit? Ah, my grandchildren! Who would like me to read them a book, or maybe paint their name on a grain of rice? Honey, dinnertime! Ah, my favorite. Hot soup. Right in there. Dad, I know you can stand up to Aunt Karen. And maybe if you finally do, she'll stop terrorizing you, and you won't have to take it out on me for the rest of my life. You know what, Meg? You're right! I'm gonna do it! You are? Damn right! Yay, Dad! I am gonna become a lady wrestler and defeat Heavy Flo in the ring. Wait. What?! No! What?! I meant go talk to her. Nope, it's got to be a lady wrestling match. Hey, Meg, Thanksgiving's over. Come help me with the Christmas decorations. Meg! Help me with the Christmas decorations! Comments? Questions? What the hell are you I'm sorry. Chris had his hand up first. Chris? What's the capital of Maryland? I do not know, but that's a very good question. Now, Lois? Peter, what the hell are you doing?! First, it's not Peter. When I am in this outfit, I am Maxi Paddy, the fiercest enemy of Heavy Flo. Peter, you look-- okay, that's clever-- but, Peter, you look ridiculous. Take that off. If you want to settle things with your sister, just go talk to her. No, Lois, the only way to settle a family dispute is in the cage. I mean, you don't understand. Karen made me feel worse than a guy getting cut from a baseball team. You wanted to see me, Coach? I'm sorry, Kyle. You can't do this boring, stupid thing with us. All right, Peter, your sister's the real deal. So I arranged for you to get some combat pointers from my old buddy, Steven Seagal. Uh, this this fat guy? Yup. Go on, ask him anything. How how did? Uh, why-why you so fat? Okay, ask him about anything but his weight. (sighs): Uh uh, you act Asian, you look Native American, your name is possibly Jewish. What are you? He fat. All right, Peter, most professional wrestlers become addicted to painkillers at some point. So I figure, why don't we just start now? Uh okay, yeah, I'm in. Where you getting all these? Stepdaughter's purse. Ain't my problem. Man, I love putting my hand down my pants when I'm on drugs. We should just go live on a boat in some guy's backyard. So, you gonna do that wrestling stuff? Nah, I'm gonna stick with these. I would crime for more of these. Okay, now if you're gonna defeat your sister in the ring, you got to get to the root of your fears. We got to go back to your childhood, so I'm gonna hypnotize you. Okay, go back. Now, we need to go back in time. (high-pitched voice): My jeans are husky. Okay, further. Further. Little further. Now, open your eyes and tell me what you see. (demonic voice): I see the six stations of the Lord's order, and they will all burn! Okay, too far! Too far! Too far! Come back. Come back. Come back. (high-pitched voice): Hey, can I make my husky jeans into cutoffs for swimming? Ah, forget it. You're ready. Yeah, Peter. I think you're gonna win! All right! Hey, thanks for all your help, you guys. You know, there's only two things I've wanted to do my whole life: put my sister in her place and go to Chico's Monkey Farm. Chico's Monkey Farm Come and have a howling good time Ooh-ooh, aah-aah, ooh-ooh, aah-aah Chico's Monkey Farm The only drive-through monkey farm In Northern Southern Rhode Island Ooh, aah! Chico's Monkey Farm After a prolonged litigation, we're finally open again Ooh, aah! Chico's Monkey Farm There's a fair amount of paperwork Before you get to see a monkey so allow for extra time Ooh, aah! Chico's Monkey Farm Keep your windows rolled up 'cause the monkeys Will pry 'em open and they're known to strangle kids Ooh-ooh-ooh, aah-aah-aah! ANNOUNCER: Chico's Monkey Farm! Now open pending how it goes. (crowd cheering) (grunting) And we've got quite a match tonight between Heavy Flo and another woman whose name I've forgotten but I'm sure is a gross pun. Right you are, Bill. Tonight, she's up against Her Vajesty's Secret Cervix. Interesting fact: these two gals have over eight meters of ass crack between them. One! Two! Three! (crowd cheering) It's over! And once again, a Heavy Flo has ruined another lady's evening! (cheering continues) PETER: You ain't no champ! Not till you go through me! Who the hell are you?! I'm Maxi Paddy, which is short for Maxine Patricia. I was named after my father, Maxwell Patrick. But that's enough about me. I'm here to kick your ass! Get out of here! I'm not fighting some fat loser from the crowd. Huh. It looks like this Heavy Flo is pee, because you're yellow! CROWD: Oh! Well, that didn't quite track, but the crowd seems to be on board. It sure does! Looks like Heavy Flo has a challenger! All right, get up here, but make it quick. I got a Lampoon reunion to get to. Heavy Flo, always finding a way to drop her Harvard degree into conversation. Yes, very off-putting, Bill. Those of us who went to Harvard really don't appreciate it. (bell dings) (grunting) Ow! Damn it, Karen! Karen? Peter, is that you? What are you doing here? Something I should have done a long time ago. I'm tired of you bullying me! You're going down! VENDOR: Butt-scratcher?! Butt-scratcher! (grunting) D-D-D-Don't, K-K-Karen! CROWD (chanting): Toxic Shock! Toxic Shock! Oh, my God, she's taking it too far! Heavy Flo is gonna break this girl's arms! Woman's arms. Come on, Bill. N-N-No! Tell Stewie he's in charge of the show now. Say hello to Teen LaQueefa! One! Two! Three! (crowd cheering) I don't believe it! Heavy Flo is down, and we have a new champion! I tell you, this is one for the books, if anyone kept track of this nonsense! Wow, you really saved me! Thanks, stranger. Dad, it's me. (gasps) Meg? It was you who saved me? That's right, Dad. Wow, even after all the crummy stuff I've done to you? But why? Because you're my dad. And I couldn't stand by and watch you get hurt. Wow. Thanks, Meg. You know, that's something even my own mom and dad never did for me. They just stood by and let Karen pick on me. Well, you deserve better. We all do. You know, Meg, I'm really sorry I treated you so badly over the years. I guess I was taking out all the pain I felt on you. I understand. Better than anybody. But I still love you, Dad. I love you, too, Meg. Did somebody order a hot-ass bitch and this lady? Oh, you're alive. Sorry, I was told I was in charge now. Well, if you die, this is kind of the creative direction I'm leaning toward. Well, I'm proud of you, Dad. You finally stood up for yourself. So, Peter, have you talked to Karen? I called, like, four times, but she's not out of the coma yet. Apparently, they usually use fake chairs, but Meg used a real one. Do they think she's gonna survive? It could go either way. (phone ringing) Hello? No, I think I'm a different blood type. No, I don't want to check. Doctor says there's nothing they can do.