Bart After Dark

At the Simpson household, Bart and Lisa are watching "Itchy & Scratchy" when suddenly the screen goes blank.

TV: ... and fight and fight and fight... [screen goes blank] Bart & Lisa: [screaming] Dad! V-chip, v-chip! Homer: Sorry, sorry, my fault. -- Is "Itchy & Scratchy" TV-14? "Bart After Dark"

Homer resumes the show, which is "Good Cats - Bad Choices". The setting is a talk show, and Scratchy is the guest. "Says mouse friend mistreats him" reads the caption. Backstage, Itchy "feels he is the victim", and goes on-stage with a broken bottle. Scratchy "doesn't know slashing is imminent", but panics when reading this last caption. His nemesis joins him -- applause from the audience -- raises the bottle, and...

Announcer: We interrupt this cartoon for a special report. Homer: [gasps] Someone found my keys! -- Prioritizing the news, "Bart After Dark"

Brockman: Kent Brockman at the Action News desk. A massive tanker has run aground on the central coastline, spilling millions of         gallons of oil on Baby Seal Beach. Lisa: [gasps] Oh, no! Homer: It'll be okay, honey. There's lots more oil where that came from. -- Environmentalist at heart, "Bart After Dark"

Brockman reports that apparently the captain was drunk at the helm. And the captain, it turns out, is none other than Captain McAllister, barely standing on his feet. He offers 100 bucks to Dave Shutton for taking the blame -- aloud and on camera, of course.

Brockman: A clean-up effort is already underway, and as always, the first to pitch in are those unsung heroes, Hollywood movie stars. [cut to Baby Seal Beach, where Rainier Wolfcastle is cleaning off a baby seal] Rainier: This isn't about publicity. This is about cleaning off gunk. Starlet: [holding a bird egg] As a Golden Globe nominee, I just think it's our duty to make the real globe a little more golden. [egg hatches] -- Steering clear of more fashionable causes, "Bart After Dark"

Lisa is touched, and tries to talk her mother into driving up there.

Lisa: We'd be doing our part for the environment! Plus, we'd get to      clean up all those cute animals. Marge: Honey, we don't need to drive 400 miles to clean animals. You can stay right here and give the dog a bath. Or trim the cat's      nails. [Snowball II walks by on nails that raise her several inches off the ground] -- "Bart After Dark"

Lisa: Oh, Mom, please? You can make this my birthday and Christmas presents. Marge: You already used up your birthday and Christmas presents on that peach tree we got you. And you hardly ever play with that anymore. Lisa: Yes, I do. Sure, I do. Look! [runs out and frolics unconvincingly by the tree] [singing] Here I am playing on my peach tree, Mom. Marge: [fed up] Oh, all right, we'll go. -- "Bart After Dark"

Marge packs up the car and briefs Homer.

Marge: Now the cat needs his medication... Homer: [assenting, simultaneously] No problem... Marge: ... every morning and the furnace has been putting off... Homer: Can do. Right. Uh-huh. Marge: ... a lot of carbon monoxide, so keep the window open. Homer: Gotcha. Cat in the furnace. Marge: Ah, you know, I think we'll take Maggie with us. -- Wise decision, "Bart After Dark"

And if anything happens, just use your best judgemmmm... just do what I would do. -- Marge and the dangers of leaving Homer alone, "Bart After Dark"

The girls drive off, and the boys wave to them. Not that they'll miss them too much, though.

Homer: A whole week of just father and son. See you at dinner. [both walk off whistling] Bart: What time? Homer: You know? I don't know. Bart: Shall we say... ten? Homer: All right, just wake me up. -- "Bart After Dark"

Later that night, Bart and Homer stuff their faces while watching TV.

Homer: [mouth full of food] You know, Bart, I saw this one. Bart: [mumbles incoherently] Announcer: Live, from the Grand Ballroom of the Hapsburg Imperial Palace, it's the World Series of Bumper Cars. -- Homer and Bart "batching" it, "Bart After Dark"

Bart: Dad, do I have to brush my teeth? Homer: No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda. [Bart opens a can and gargles with it] -- Only three cavities? Best checkup ever! "Bart After Dark"

At Baby Seal Beach, the girls have reached their oily destination.

Lisa: [enthusiastic] I'm gonna rescue a baby seal, and then I'm gonna save an otter! Man: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, but all the animals have already been reserved for celebrities. [Rainer Wolfcastle carries up a huge sack] Rainer: There. That's 104 pounds of sandpipers. Lisa: You mean there's nothing left to clean? Man: Well, there are rocks. Thousands and thousands of rocks. [smiles] [later that day, Marge and Lisa are scrubbing rocks] Marge: I've got rocks that need washing at home -- This is not as fun as I had anticipated, "Bart After Dark"

Seems Baby Seal Beach is not the only place in need of cleaning, as Homer throws a beer can into the dumpster which the floor has become.

Homer: Geez, look at this place. We gotta do something. Bart: Hmm. Garbage angels? [they throw themselves from the sofa and make garbage angels, laughing] -- Family quality clean-up time, "Bart After Dark"

Later, Bart feels sluggish (stupid Carbon Monoxide).

Bart: Dad? I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park? Homer: Do I have to sit up? Bart: No. Homer: Knock yourself out. -- "Bart After Dark"

At the Springfield Park, Milhouse is showing his RC plane flight skills to Bart and Nelson, as they watch the plane come and go, and come, and go...

Bart: Milhouse, this is boring. Make it crash or something. Milhouse: [smugly] Perfectly level flying is the supreme challenge of         the scale model pilot. -- Milhouse the RC nerd, "Bart After Dark"

Nelson takes the remote and gives a more spectacular stunt. The plane loops and wanders everywhere, until it targets a paddleboat occupied by Martin and Ralph.

Martin: Ah! It's gaining on us! Ralph: I'm pedaling backwards! -- Ralph the Viking, "Bart After Dark"

Monty Burns also has a close encounter with the plane...

I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children. -- Monty Burns, "Bart After Dark"

The plane bounces off Smithers' head, and finally ends its trip crashing on the roof of a mysterious old house. The fence says "no trespassing".

Milhouse: Thanks a lot. Now it's stuck on that haunted house. Nelson: I heard a witch lives there. Ralph: I heard a Frankenstein lives there. Milhouse: You guys are way off. It's a secret lab where they take the brains out of zombies and put them in the heads of other zombies to create a race of super-zombies. Nelson: That's the house?! -- Are reverse vampires involved? "Bart After Dark"

Bart isn't impressed, and rings. The reply on the intercom is clear enough: "Go away. No children." But it'll take more than that to stop Bart, who climbs in a tree, then jumps on the roof. He grabs the plane, showing off.

S-U-C-C-E-E-S! That's the way you spell succe... -- Bart follows the steps of his S-M-R-T father, "Bart After Dark"

But he slips and slides down the roof, bumping into a gargoyle which crashed to the ground. He hangs onto a rain gutter for dear life, when comes... oh, no! It's a caterpillar! It steps on Bart's fingers one by one, and the tickling makes him slowly lose his grip.

[lauging] No, no. H-help, h-help. I'm gonna die. -- Bart, very perceptive, "Bart After Dark"

Bart survives his fall to the ground, but has brought the attention of the lady of the house. The look, the dress, the floating cape and the lighting give the perfect impression of a witch. She grabs him by the ear.

Milhouse: Oh, no! The witch has Bart! Martin: We've got to hurry! [The boys run off screaming in terror.] -- A good solution to any crisis, "Bart After Dark"

The old lady, Bart in tow, rings the doorbell at the Simpson residence.

Homer: Just a minute! [sounds of grunting and paper tearing] Hello? Belle: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle and... are you wearing a grocery bag? Homer: I have misplaced my pants. -- "Bart After Dark"

Homer doesn't seem concerned at all with all the trouble Bart got himself into, but changes his mind when the lady threatens to talk to Bart's mother. He promises to handle this.

Homer: Aw, I don't know how to punish you. What does Marge usually do? Bart: She makes me taste beer. Homer: Come on, boy, give your old man a little credit. [the bag bursts, sending a load of groceries to the floor] -- The perils of improvised clothing, "Bart After Dark"

As a solution, Homer drops his boy in front of the mansion.

Homer: Now you're gonna do chores for that lady until you work off the damage you did. It's called "responsibility." [drives forward, and crushes the mailbox] [screams, backs off and drives away] -- Do as I say... "Bart After Dark"

The lady lets him in.

Bart: I can't believe I've gotta spend all my free time dusting doilies in a smelly run-down dump for a creepy old witch. [pulls a curtain, behind which we see a number of scantily-clad girls dancing can-can and people gambling] Lady, I gotta tell ya, I have been grossly misinformed about witches. -- That's "wiccans" to you, "Bart After Dark"

The girls pull off a last "leg up" in front of the camera.

[End of Act One. Time: 8:02]

Bart: Wow, man, what is this place? Belle: I prefer not to be called "man." My name is Belle, and this is      the Maison Derriere. That means the, uh, "Back House." -- "Bart After Dark"

Belle explains that this is a burlesque house, "a private club where gentlemen can play some cards and see a show." A girl from the "Around the World" number comes in, asking for Monte Carlo's dice; Belle hands her what is in fact a bra. Bart observes, his jaw dropped.

Belle: Normally, we don't allow children in here, but your father was so      insistent. Bart: He's tough but fair. I'll start sorting these bras. Belle: That's a bit advanced for you, but I know a stopped-up sink that needs some attention. Bart: Just glad to be on the team. -- "Bart After Dark"

Next thing, Belle introduces Bart to other tasks.

Belle: When you work the door, the main things are to greet the visitors and toss out the troublemakers. Bart: Ah, the ol' greet'n'toss. No problemo. Belle: How did I ever get along without you? -- Bart finds his niche, "Bart After Dark"

Among the patrons of the Maison Derriere is one Abraham J. Simpson.

Grampa: [whistles, hangs his hat] [seeing Bart] Oop. [whistles again, turns around, picks up his hat and leaves] [sticking his head in] Is your name "Bart"? Bart: [nodding] Mm-hmm. Grampa: What the... Does your father know you're working here? Bart: It was his idea. Grampa: In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour. -- Taking it in stride, "Bart After Dark"

Meanwhile, Marge and the girls are hard at work scrubbing oil-covered rocks.

Lisa: Oh, there's something unsatisfying about scrubbing these rocks and I think I know what it is. [a wave washes a new coat of oil on the once-clean rocks] Marge: Lisa, I know it's frustrating, but we made a commitment, and we      have to see it through, no matter how unpleasant. [the cleanup guy drives up] Man: Quitting time. Okay. Scrub up and head for the communal tarp. We're having kelpburgers, and we're going to watch a tape of      Johnny Arvik, he's the Eskimo comedian. [Marge and Lisa stare at him for a moment] [the next thing you know, they're driving away] Lisa: Faster, Mom, faster! -- "Bart After Dark"

At the Maison Derriere, Belle hangs up the phone.

Belle: Oh, that was our emcee, Mel Zetz. He got out of bed too fast and broke his hip. Bart: So who's gonna warm up the crowd tonight? Belle: Well, whoever fits Mel's tuxedo. [Size: extra small] Bart: Eep. Belle: The jokes are in the breast pocket. If you get in trouble, there's a switch that makes the bow tie spin. [the tie spins while making an amusing noise] -- "Bart After Dark"

Bart is on stage, reading the jokes rather lamely.

Bart: Heh, nudist colonies are everywhere these days. I'd love to go, but I... [stares at the card] can't get the wrinkles out of my      birthday suit. [rim shot, heavy laughs] [Bart looks at the card again in disbelief] But, I gotta tell you, Adam and Eve must have been the first bookkeepers. They invented the "loose-leaf" system. [rim shot, more laughs] If there's a bad bookkeeping joke, I haven't heard it. -- Bart does stand-up in the Maison Derriere, "Bart After Dark"

Back at Evergreen Terrace, Homer is watching television.

Announcer: It's eleven o'clock. Do you know where your children are? Homer: I told you last night, no! -- Argueing with public messages, "Bart After Dark"

Where is Bart anyway? His dinner is getting all cold and eaten. [picks at Bart's dinner] -- Homer, "Bart After Dark"

Homer drives to the Maison Derriere, where he barges inside.

Bart, where are you? Come on! I have to be up at 6am to swipe Flanders' newspaper. -- Homer, "Bart After Dark"

Homer takes a moment to look at a picture.

"President Eisenhower celebrates 40th wedding anniversary. Not pictured, Mrs. Eisenhower." -- "Bart After Dark"

Belle: I'm sorry. This is all my fault. Bart was filling in for... Homer: I don't care if he was filling in for Mel Zetz, he's my son, and I don't want him working... [in the next room, Homer sees a sexy chorus girl doing a fan dance] ...so...late....that... Belle: Oh, I agree, kids need rules and boundaries. Homer: [trancelike] Yes, everyone loves rules. Belle: It's so tough to be a parent these days, what with all the gangs and the drugs. Homer: Oh yeah, drugs, you gotta have drugs. [Homer goes in to see the fan dancer] Bart: Hey, he didn't pay the cover. Belle: Oh, Bart, he's your father. We'll comp him tonight, start a tab tomorrow. -- "Bart After Dark"

Principal Skinner enters. He obviously doesn't see the new doorman.

Skinner: Oh, I hope I didn't miss the floor show. Bart: Nope. Skinner: Is Roxanne back? Bart: Yep. Skinner: Did she, uh, get my flowers? Bart: She did. Skinner: [Finally noticing his fourth-grade nemesis] Hello, Bart. Bart: Hello, Principal Skinner. Skinner: This is the National Air and Space Museum, isn't it? -- Nice try, Seymour, "Bart After Dark"

The doorbell rings. Homer answers it and sees the "God Squad" of the Lovejoys and the Flanderseses.

Homer: Uh, this isn't going to be about Jesus, is it? Lovejoy: All things are about Jesus, Homer, except this. -- "Bart After Dark"

Lovejoy: Your son has been working in a burlesque house. Helen: Principal Skinner saw him with his own eyes. Skinner: [appearing from being Rev. Lovejoy] That's true, but I was only in there to get directions on how to get away from there. -- Suuuuuuure, "Bart After Dark"

Homer tells them that he is already well aware of his son's employment.

Ned: Homer? I'm as permissive as the next parent, I mean, just yesterday I let Todd buy some red-hots with a cartoon devil on      the box, but you can't possibly think it's appropriate for your ten-year-old son to work in a burlesque house! Homer: Oh, no? Well, if Homer Simpson wants his ten-year-old son working in      a burlesque house, then Homer Simpson's ten-year-old son is going to       work in a burlesque house! That... [his visitors walk away, revealing Marge] Ha-ha-ha... Hi! Now, Marge, you're gonna hear a lot of crazy talk about Bart working in a burlesque house... -- Backpedaling, "Bart After Dark"

[End of Act Two. Time: 12:49]

Marge contemplates a Maison Derriere matchbook, still shocked to learn the existence of such a place in her little town.

Marge: Homer, did you know it was a burlesque house when you sent Bart to work there? Homer: No, I only learned that four days ago. -- And he's been working there five days, right?, "Bart After Dark"

Marge: What were you thinking, sending Bart to such an awful place? Homer: I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. [sly] So in a      way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm going to clean it up. -- He's got her with his legal mumbo-jumbo, "Bart After Dark"

The trick doesn't work. Marge visits the Maison Derriere and asks a favor of Belle: to close the house down and move away.

Marge: Springfield doesn't want places like this. Belle: I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar. Marge: Oh? I've lived in this town for thirty-seven years. Belle: I've lived here fifty-two years. Marge: I'm third generation. Belle: Sixth. Marge: [pause] Get outta my town! -- If you can't beat 'em through argument, use invective, "Bart After Dark"

We're just as much a part of Springfield as the church, the library or the crazy house. -- Belle illustrates the diversity of Springfield, "Bart After Dark"

Belle teases Marge as a "neighbor", but Springfield's watchdog doesn't give up.

Sleazy entertainment and raunchy jokes will never be as popular as sobriety and self-denial. -- The world according to Marge, "Bart After Dark"

"You're about to learn the two most dangerous words in the English language are `Marge Simpson'" she threatens, before leaving.

Later, at a town meeting...

Quimby: ...and after visiting the area for, uh, the past two months, I       have determined it is not feasible to construct a supertrain between Springfield and Aruba. [removes his sunglasses] [audience groans] [with a tan] Next on the agenda is, uh, the Citizens' Committee on Moral Hygiene. [audience groans] -- This isn't as fun a meeting as I had anticipated, "Bart After Dark"

Marge: I'm here to share my moral outrage. But this time it's not about that giant inflatable "Dos Equis" bottle. It's about a         certain house in our town. Moe: Yeah, well what's wrong with this house? Is it the plumbing? Marge: No. It's a house of ill fame. A house of loose ethics. Brockman: Is there a building code violation? A drainage issue? A surveying error? Marge: [annoyed] The house is perfectly fine! Wiggum: Well, then quite bad-mouthing the house! Otto: Yeah, leave the house alone! -- The perils of speaking figuratively, "Bart After Dark"

Marge says she is talking about the burlesque house, a place of "drinking, gambling and debauchery." The audience gasps.

Quimby: People, this is an issue that we as a town are strong enough to         ignore. Let us give no more scrutiny to this bawdy house and its small clientele of loyal perverts. Lovejoy: Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty. [said perverts chuckle uncomfortably] -- I'll bet they're with AOL, "Bart After Dark"

The lights go out and a slide show of Maison Derriere patrons begins (their eyes covered to protect their identity). However, in such a small town where everybody wears the same clothes day after day...

[slide of Dr. Hibbert] Mrs. Hibbert: Julius! [slide or Chief Wiggum] Mrs. Wiggum: Clancy! [slide of Skinner] Chalmers: Skinner? Agnes: Seymour! Seymour: Mother... [slide of Patty] Selma: [off-screen] Patty? [slide of Cletus] Brandine: Cletus! [slide of Barney, to which nobody reacts] Moe: ... Oh, uh... [forced] Barney. [slide of Chief Wiggum] Mrs. Wiggum: Clancy! Chief Wiggum: Hey, come on, you did me twice. [slide of... Smithers?!] Burns: Smithers? Smithers: My... my parents insisted I give it a try, sir.                   [slide of Quimby, wearing a "Mayor" sash] Luanne Van Houten: Mayor Quimby! Quimby: Uh, well, that could be any mayor. -- A typical town meeting slide show, "Bart After Dark"

Er, uh, well... eh, in light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action. All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hands. -- Mayor "Diamond Joe" Quimby, "Bart After Dark"

Few do, until the Citizens' Committee on Moral Hygiene turn around and stare. All hands spring up.

Jasper: [whispering] Are they talking about the bordello? Abe: No! The burlesque house. So just keep your mouth shut. -- Some ill-fame will remain, "Bart After Dark"

It doesn't take too long for a mob to form and convene at the Maison Derriere.

Skinner: Oh, there's no justice like angry-mob justice. Lenny: I'm gonna burn all the historic memorabilia Moe: I'm gonna take me home a toilet. Willy: Well, there'd better be two. -- Pre-mob-demolition talk, "Bart After Dark"

Ned rings.

Belle: [through intercom] Who is it? Ned: Uh, it's an angry mob, ma'am. Could you step outside for a      twinkle while we knock down your house? Belle: Just a minute. -- Make yourselves at home, "Bart After Dark"

Rev. Lovejoy forces the gates open, and the mob walks in, faced by Belle and the girls, who walk out of the house. After a brief bit of name-calling, the crowd begins to break apart the house. Bart tells Homer to do something.

Homer: My friends! Stop! [the mob stops, intrigued] Hans: [stretching a bow and flaming arrow] Please, hurry... Homer: Sure. We could tear this house down... [mob cheers and resumes smashing] Homer: No! My friends! Stop! Let me finish. -- Mob mentality and intelligence, "Bart After Dark"

Homer declares that if they destroy the burlesque house, they are destroying a part of themselves. Follows a musical number which slowly wins the heart of all mobsters.

Ned: Well, I'm convinced. The house stays. Lovejoy: This house is a very, very, very fine house. -- In the middle of the street? "Bart After Dark"

Marge arrives hell-bent for leather on a bulldozer. "Here I come, everybody!" The crowd forces her to stop.

Homer: What are you doing, Marge? Didn't you hear the song? Marge: No, I had to go rent the bulldozer. Ned: Well, we all changed our minds. Wiggum: Yeah, now we love the house. Marge: What about the sleaze and the depravity? Helen: It was a very convincing song, Marge! Skinner: Mm-hm, there were kicks and everything. Marge: Oh. Can you sing it again? Ned: I'm sorry, it really was one of those spur-of-the-moment type things. -- Did they lie to you through song? "Bart After Dark"

Marge: Well, I also have a song to sing. [flaming arrow pass by her head] Don't make up your mind until you hear both songs. [clears throat, coughs] [singing off key] Morals and ethics and carnal forbearance... -- Marge's lame attempt at follow-up, "Bart After Dark"

Meanwhile, she hits the brake lever of the bulldozer, which tears down part of the Maison Derriere. Oops.

Marge: Uh... sorry. Lovejoy: Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house. Belle: I do love it when you drop by, Marge. Next time, why don't we        get together at your house. -- "Bart After Dark"

Marge asks how she can possibly ever make it up? "Oh, there's a way, Mom," Bart answers smugly.

At what remains of Maison Derriere, Marge is doing a ventriloquist act with a doll that looks just like her.

Marge: So, Twiggy, I hear you and your husband, Woody, just had a         baby. What did you name him? "Twiggy": Chip. [Rim shot. No laughs.] Homer: Take it off! Bart: [as a bouncer] All right, Dad, you've been warned, let's go. -- Hall monitor experience put to good use, "Bart After Dark"

[End of Act Three. Time: 21:28]