You Are So Sue-able to Me

He goes from the top of the key. He shoots, he scores! I cannot believe Justin Timberlake is from the same species. Some boys are such pigs. -Lilly! -What? Close your mouth. We're in the ninth grade. You got to start acting more like, I don't know, a girl. What are you talking about? I act like a girl all the time. Incoming! Truscott from downtown! Don't say boo-yah, don't say boo-yah. Boo-yah! Yeah, nice shot, Shaq. Muy macko. It's "macho. " Whatever. You know I'm bad at French. Well, at least I know how to be a girl. I never thought this day would come, but Amber and Ashley are right. I hate you for making me say that. They're not right! I know how to be a girl. Yeah? Then why don't you have a date for the dance on Friday? Not everyone is going to the dance. You're not going. I've got a Hannah concert. Details. Details. Hey, guys, did you hear who's going to the dance Friday night with Gabe Lamotti? You mean, Hottie Lamotti with the swimmer's body? -Who? -Me! We started as lab partners and the next thing I know, I'm growing his boutonniere in its own self-contained biosphere. Who are you guys going with? I'm not going. I have a thing. Yeah, I got a thing, too. Different thing than her thing, but a thing. Big thing. No dates? Well, don't feel bad. There'll be more dances. Unless global warming kills us first. Bye! You're right. Even Saint Sarah has a date for the dance. I'm a failure as a girl! No. Listen, I'm not going to let you give up, okay? There's a ninth-grade girl in there somewhere, we just got to get her out, okay? Let's start with this hat, and stop sitting like a guy. And basta with the pasta already! Like that is gonna do any good. Well, it looks like it's working for Matt Marshall. Matt Marshall! I've been crushing on him ever since the first time -Hey, Lilly. -'Sup, Matt? Act like a girl. So, Matthew, come here often? Of course he does, it's school! So are you going to the dance this Friday? No, I don't think I'll actually I don't know. Maybe. Why do you ask? I just thought if you were going then, you know, we could maybe -Carpool? -No, I kind of meant -Yeah? -What? -What? -Sweet niblets. Of course she'll go to the dance with you! -Cool! -Cool. I'm going to the dance with Matt! Yes! How do I do it? come on! You get the limo out front Hottest styles, every shoe every colour Yeah, when you're famous it can be kind of fun It's really you but no one ever discovers Who would have thought that a girl like me Would double as a superstar? You get the best of both worlds chill it out, take it slow Then you rock out the show You get the best of both worlds Mix it all together And you know that it's the best of both worlds So cool. I love this part. Lilly. Lilly, I hope you've got your shopping shoes on, 'cause I'm gonna take you from skate chick to date chick. Okay. One second, but I'm watching Teen court. It's almost over. Let's listen as Judge Joe hands down his verdict in the case of "Bobby and Michael and the Busted Motorcycle. " Bobby, you borrowed a bike and brought it back busted. That's bologna. And speaking of food, it's time for justice to be served. -Serve it up. -Serve it up. What's on the menu for today, Big D? We're going to treat our guilty party to a hearty helping of oatmeal, with plenty of Vermont's finest maple syrup. Yes, sir, Big D, that is some sweet justice. case closed. Dude, he got served! Breakfast, lunch, and This is what you were talking about, right? Yeah. Listen, just because Matt already asked you to the dance doesn't mean that he can't change his mind. You know, you got him nibbling on the cheese, but now you got to snap the trap! Miley, he already asked me, it's not like he's gonna dump me and then ask some What is he doing? I love skateboarding. It's so viral. -It's "virile. " -Who cares. It's still hot! -And so are you. -And so are you. Looks like someone's messing with your man. That's it. I'm through being one of the guys. Girl me up, baby. JBAD 109. 6, Los Angeles. Now get those dialling digits ready, 'cause the lucky 24th caller gets two courtside seats for this Sunday's playoff game featuring your Los Angeles Lakers! Hey, there, new buddy, how's it going? -Not now, Thor! -Okay. -How about now? -No! Okay. -How about now? -No! Look, I'm trying to win a contest here, so just congratulations! You're the lucky 24th caller! I did it! I won! Hello? Hello? No, no, wait! I'm here! Hello? Hello? Hello? -Hello? -Hello? If you're gone, I'm moving on. Hello? Hello? Hello? Sorry, can't talk now. Holy cow. You! Don't hang up! Let me help, eh? No! Yes, thank you. Thank you. J-Bad rocks! Wow. Courtside seats for the Lakers! You know what I'd do if I had courtside seats for the Lakers? I'd take you 'cause you're my new buddy. So who are you gonna take? Well, actually, Thor, I hadn't really thought about it. I get it. You got lots of friends. Hey, I know what that's like. Back on the farm, I had tons of friends. And cows. Okay, all my friends were cows, but they were really good listeners with big brown eyes, sweet smiles Don't look at me! Thor, do you want to go to the game? Yes! Yes! Thank you, Jackson! Thank you. You are the ice beneath my skates. Don't ever say that again! Okey-dokey, artichoke-y. That, either! There he is! I just heard you on J-Bad! Yee, doggies! Me and my boy are gonna sit courtside at a playoff game! Can you believe this is happening? Come on, Lilly. Nobody's gonna laugh at you. -You look great. -I do not. I look like Amber and Ashley threw up on me. I can't do this. -Hello. -Hey, hey, new girl. Where'd you come from? Hot-sylvania? Shut up, Nick. It's me. The new girl sounds kind of like Lilly. It is Lilly! What happened to you? You look fine! -Really? -Totally. Yeah. Books, books. Oh, my. These books are so heavy. -I got them. I got them. -No, no, please. I got them. I got them. -Wow. -I know. Listen, Thor, about the playoff game. I Happy, happy playoffs May all your dreams come true I hope you like this carrot cake My mom made it for you -Man. -Yeah, it's a basketball cake. And there's 13 pounds of Minnesota cream cheese in there. That'll put some junk in your trunk. Yeah, it looks great. It should. My mom stayed up all night baking it. She's just so happy I've finally got a two-legged friend. Any-hoo, what were you gonna say about the game? -You're paying for parking. -Okey-dokey, artichoke-y. Thor, stop thaying that! Thaying that! Listen, Thor, I'm late for thience clath! Dang flabbit! -Todd, you're so funny. -Lower and slower. Todd, you are so funny. So, New Lilly, you want to hang at the dance with me? Sorry, boys, she's taken. I am not just good. I am scary good. -Lilly? -Oh, boy. I mean, oh, boy. -Wow, you look so -I know. -And it's all for you. -And it's all for you. Save it for the dance. Bye. "Save it for the dance. " Way to snap the trap! Nails. I am so proud of you. I'd like to dedicate this song to a special friend who I hope is having an awesome time tonight. How did I get here? I turned around and there you were I didn't think twice or rationalise 'cause somehow I knew That there was more than just chemistry I mean, I knew you were kind of into me But I figured it's too good to be true Go ahead, honey. I'll be right there. Lilly, what are you doing here? I tried calling you every time I got offstage. Were you a little too busy with Matt? He stood me up. -What? -I sat at home waiting for two hours. Lilly. Look at you. I bet some hearts were broken tonight. Just one. Way to go, Dad. How can boys be so cruel? How could someone do something like that to Lilly? Don't they know how delicate and fragile girls are? Sugar and spice and hands like a vice. Heaven help the boy who stands you up. You got that right, bub! Morning. -How you feeling? -Okay. -Thanks for letting me sleep over. -It was our pleasure, Lilly. Lilly! That's what Matt called me! -Dad! -That's her name. -Think a little! -Okay. Would you like some bacon, little pieces of bacon? No, thanks. But don't let me spoil your morning. You go ahead and live your happy lives. Enjoy. -Dad, maybe you should -Gotcha. I'm just gonna go out on the deck and eat. I just need to get one of these placemats. Matt! Out! Lilly, I hate seeing you like this. It's not right. There's got to be a way to get him back for all the pain and suffering he's caused you. I'd like to know how. Have you been put through pain and suffering? Did someone do you wrong? -They did her wrong! -Heck, yeah! Well, don't just sit there and take it, take it to court. The Teen Court. -Where justice is served. -Where justice is served! Hey, Dad, I need to talk to you about these tickets. Who cares if your boy got into Harvard? My boy's taking me to the Laker game. Yep. Courtside seats. He could've taken anybody he wanted to, but he decided to take the old man. Yep. All right, Fred, listen, I got to get off here. I got to go give my boy a big bear hug. Talk at you later. My boy! So what was it you wanted to say about the tickets? They have holograms. Look, he's dunking, now he's not. Dunking. Not. Dunking. Not. Dunking. Not. Dunking. Not. Dunking. Not. Bye. My boy. My strange, strange boy. Hey, Dad! What's up, good buddy? Hey, hey, I just wanted to tell you how much I'm looking forward to going to that game with you tonight, sitting side by side, right next to each other. Excuse me. You know what these burritos do to me. But I love them! Are you gonna be all right for the game tonight, Son? Yeah. Yeah, Dad. No, I'll be fine. I just hope you don't mind because this is my third. And I probably shouldn't have gone con queso. You know what I'm saying? You know, come to think of it, I do have some paperwork I need to catch up on. Maybe you could find somebody else to go with you. But, Dad, it's supposed to be just the two of us. There's no one else I'd rather share this experience with. Lucky me. But, hey, if you don't really want to go, I mean, I could probably find somebody. Lakers rule! So, what time are we leaving? Hey, maybe Thor would like to go. -Jackson? -What? What? It's like fate! Him just showing up here like I invited him, which, of course, I didn't! I get it. You want me to lie. Mr Stewart, is it okay if I lie in your house? All right, fine. I I invited Thor first, but then you went all "my boy" on me, and he brought over that basketball deathcake. I gained five pounds just looking at the thing! -Now, hold on, son. -No, I know. I know, Dad, I screwed up and I'm sorry. I'm a terrible person. Look, I don't even deserve to go to this game. Why don't you guys just take the tickets? Son, I screwed up and I'm sorry. You don't have to yell at me. I mean, I'll just watch the game on Tv and You're sorry? They were your tickets. I invited myself. And I'll tell you what, you were just trying not to hurt the old man's feelings and that means more to me than any old silly basketball game. I'll just let you guys have your father-and-son moment. So beautiful. Okay. I know what you're thinking, but that was not me. Welcome to The Teen Court. Today, we hear the case of "Dissed, Dumped and Dateless. " First, let's meet our defendant, Matt Marshall, high school sophomore and alleged dumper. And now our dumpee is entering the courtroom. You're going down, pal. -Save it for the judge. -Right. All rise for the honourable Judge Joe Barrett. Thank you, Big D. When I first read this case, I pushed it to the top of my docket. You want to know why? Because I've got a daughter, hotshot. Yeah. Slam dunk, baby. Now, sweetheart, it says here that you're suing for the cost of a dress, hair and makeup. -Is that true, darling? -Don't forget the shoes. -Tears. -And mani-pedi. This girl got a mani-pedi for you? -I can explain. -You'll have your chance. I have to say that. He's got no chance. Now, tell me what happened, angel. My friend's too upset to speak, so she asked me to plead her case. -Go on and proceed, baby girl. -Thank you. Your Honour, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what would this country be if men didn't keep their promises? What if George Washington promised to cross the Delaware, but didn't because it was a little chilly outside? What if Abraham Lincoln promised to save the Union, but broke that promise 'cause he wanted to buy a new hat? What if Rutherford B. Hayes Yo, Tina Talks-a-lot, come here. I know what you're thinking. How does she do it without any notes? Well I'll tell you what I'm thinking. If somebody doesn't get food dumped on them in the next five minutes, then my audience is going to dump me. And if Joe gets dumped, Joe can't pay for his big boat. And Joe likes his big boat. Got it. Okay, so you asked her out, you stood her up and you broke her heart. And now all we want to know is, why? Why? Why? Why? -Big boat! -I'm done. Now, before I pronounce you guilty, do you have anything to say? Your Honour Come on, come on, he hasn't got all day! This isn't fair. I only changed my mind. She changed her Everything. I asked out this really cool skater girl, and the next day, she's all girly and frilly and weird. I mean, "Save it for the dance. " Where'd that come from? She just wasn't the girl I had a crush on. -You had a crush on me? -Yeah. -Is this true? Did you change? -Well, she made me. Everything seems to come back to you. Well, I was just trying to turn her into a ninth-grader. I mean, you should've seen the way she looked before. -I liked the way she looked before. -You did? What does he know? Has he ever read a teen fashion magazine? I think not! He doesn't know what he wants. He needs to be told what he wants. He's a boy! I'll tell you what I want. I want to serve up some justice. And I think I know just who I want to serve it up on. -Serve it up! Serve it up! Serve it up! -Serve it up! Serve it up! Serve it up! -Serve it up! Serve it up! -Serve it up! Serve it up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, two seconds. I'm begging! Thank you. Isn't the important thing that these two wonderful kids are back together? Isn't that why we're all here? Have you ever seen this show? Look around. Okay, I admit it. I'm sorry. Lilly, I should've never tried to change you. You're great the way you are. Totally. -So you forgive me? -Yeah. Sure, whatever. Look at that. Everybody's happy. Looks like another Teen court case is closed. Not quite. Oh, boy. Today's guilty party gets a heaping plate of spaghetti, smothered in a hearty tomato sauce and topped with plenty of squirmy, oily anchovies! That is some stinky justice! Case closed. Where'd you get these anchovies, Joe? Fishing on your big boat? Trading two seats for three. That was sheer genius, Son. And getting up here was great exercise. My lungs are on fire. Criminy, my nose is bleeding. So we're a little high up. At least the sound is great. Dad! Dad, save the popcorn!