Bel Panto: Part 1

1 Which brings us to our penultimate item, which concerns yet again, and to no great surprise the restrooms. Specifically, the towel dispensers. Why'd you get the loopy, old-timey cloth kind in the first place? Because Shut up. And I don't know who's doing it, and I doubt even God knows why, but my next step is to have the damn things swabbed for DNA! Seems like it'd be easier just to take out the trash cans. Whoever's doing it, they obviously have to climb up on a trash can. 'Cause it's like, up here, so Wow. Name a handsome Hollywood power lawyer who is having major second thoughts about hiring you people. - Mr. Shapiro! - Boom! Square gets the square! And I get going. You guys validate? Mr. Shapiro, please, as I said on the phone, the Figgis Agency values your business, and I can assure you this internal affair doesn't reflect our ability as investigators, so - Yes, it does. - Archer? What? Shut up. If anything, it proves I'm a great investigator. I totally just Encyclopedia Browned that thing. Bugs Meany is wiping his ass on our towels? - No, dummy! - Yes! It's the only explanation! Well, or any of the Tigers. So, is it like a stamp, or stickers Please, you've come all this way. And obviously you thought we were the right agency for the job. And besides, we're only 25 cents a day, plus expenses. For the love of Christ, woman! Seriously, you gotta shut up. You shut up! Because I'm catching the first bus outta this hick town! Ha! So long, Idaville! As I was saying Okay. - Hmm? - Okay! I can't get anyone else on such late notice, and I dunno. Maybe you people can handle this job, so Mind if I, uh, beep boop? Oh, preesh. Okay, so I'm sure you all remember my client, Hollywood legend Veronica Deane. - Remember? - Ugh. - Who could forget? - Right? She almost makes me Q my G. What, did she die of old age? Oh, for the She's 50! And, if anything, more beautiful than ever. Especially when she's wearing the Tsarina, an emerald and diamond necklace crafted for Empress Maria Alexandrovna in 1855, and now the, uh, centerpiece of Ms. Deane's collection. My God, it must be worth millions! And you want us to steal it! I No! No, that's the exact opposite of what I want. She wants to wear the Tsarina to a fund-raiser hosted by her ex-husband, Ellis Crane, Oscar-winning director and also total jit-rag. - Ooh! - He's handsome! Ugh! Total jit-rag. Wearing that necklace to a crowded event seems like a pretty big risk. I know. Believe me, I tried to talk Ms. Deane out of wearing it, but Is it just to rub it in his face? Man, I'd rub it in his face! - Pam! - I will stop, but I will not apologize. So, you want us to guard the necklace. Yes. Undercover, at the fund-raiser. For which, I am prepared to pay your agency s $50,000. - Oh, nice! - Pretty good. But surely the necklace is insured. And even if the deductible was, like Obviously more than that, Lana. - Yeah, Lana. - Holy shit-snacks! So we're going to a no-shit black-tie Hollywood gala? Well, yes, but But what do we wear? Is it, like, gowns and gloves? And do I rent a girdle? Are there gonna be dress fittings? Do I get a bikini wax? And I don't know my tiara size! And, oh, my God, what of shoes? Uh, your attire will be provided. This is gonna be suckin' amazing! Yeah. For five-eighths of you. And so, when I said "suckin' amazing" obviously I meant "suckin' bullshit. " I mean Seriously? Oh, quit your griping, you three. The whole idea is to blend in, so Meaning? No. Meaning just you know You can't put lipstick on a pig. - Really? - Excuse you? What's that supposed to mean? - Well, that's a little harsh. - And also inaccurate. Lipstick, they don't really mind, but mascara? Huh, whole big thing. And I suppose he's blending? - Who? - You, Otto Von Jizmarck. I was gonna say Franz Turdinand. - Eh - Guys, come on. What's going on here? I was just explaining some basic tenets of fieldcraft to these three. Yeah, you gotta blend, but I meant what's going on hors d'oeuvre-wise. Wouldn't you like to Blend. This is a deconstructed slider made from certified Kobe beef from Hyogo prefecture, with a tarragon aioli. Tapas of pata negra jamÃ³n iberico, topped with queso Torta del Casar. And these are tiny quiches, probably made from endangered quail eggs, or No, none of this is that. This is the world's most expensive Mc10:35. Oh, for the Sterling! Is that really necessary? Mm. Mm-hm. Mm. Ah. Lana, this is Hollywood. None of this is even remotely necessary. So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go guard some priceless emeralds. Oh, really? You're gonna go do the job I'm paying you a fortune to do? Might as well. I'm already here. And speaking of guarding the Tsarina, do you think the optimal formation for that is a clump? Really? Some bullshit job. Oh, my God, even for Idaville, this stupid party is so boring! Like, hire a clown, tinnitus people. Whatever, Pocket Tony Montana. Wait! Tiny Montana. Either one, oughta be quarantined in the sick burn unit. Excuse me. Hi. Pardon me. Sterling Archer. Hello. Pardon me. Or move, basically. Good evening, Archbishop. Could you hold this for me? Pardon me. Yep. S-Sorry. That was my hand. Jesus, glad I'm not allergic to mink. - Right? - Hm? Oh, hi. Uh, so sorry. I thought you were Commodore Perry. Oh, how dare you! Remember the Maine! Couple things. A, Perry opened Japan to the West. He died 40 years before the sinking of the Maine, the cause of which spoiler alert has since been proven to be improper coal storage, not a Spanish harbor mine. And two he didn't have sideburns. Did he not? No. He was totally completely clean shaven. Wow. Talk about smooth sailing. It was clearly the Age of Steam. Hi. Sterling Archer. What the That little bitch! Oh, you're way prettier than her. I meant Archer. And also, dahoy. - Oh! - Shut up! Excuse me. Pardon me. Think you're gonna flirt Hello. Right in front of me Hi. With some C-list C-word! Impossible. Huh? My dear, how can this be? How have you never been in one of my pictures? Hm. Because I'm not an actress? Huh. In what sense? Every. Perhaps we should begin anew. Ellis Crane, Academy Award winner. Lana Kane, private investigator. You're kidding. No, so if you ever have anything that needs private investigating I thought you were a producer. Uh, I produce results. Idiot! How was that my fault? How is everything your fault? Aw, leave him alone. He's not the one trying to shuck your lady-corn. My what? Oh, so that's how it is now, huh? Well, then you can tell Lana that two can play at that game. Where's Veronica Deane? How should I know? Y Because you're supposed to be guarding her. I'm also supposed to be pooling tips. Which I haven't gotten any yet, so Hey, Ray! You getting any tips? - Hang on! - Excuse me. Pardon me. Idiot! What's up her bleached asshole? Okay, so, I've been watching like a hawk, and here's the whats Lana's pissed at Archer 'cause she thought he was macking on Bleached Asshole, and she's pissed at Archer 'cause she thought he was a Hollywood honcho like ol' Whitey Crane over there, who is macking on Lana, who's totally full of crap 'cause deep down, she's totally buyin' into Whitey's bullshit. So to get back at her, Archer's gonna pretend to mack on, but not really, 'cause deep down, he's got a real-life crush-boner for her, Veronica Deane! Who we're supposed to be guarding. Well, "whom," but yeah. And she is I don't know who she's into. I meant, where is she? How should I know? Yeah, who is she, Kate Warne? - What? - Anyway, I don't want to jinx it, but this might end up a murder mystery. Well, fingers crossed. Clump! Aah Okay. Okay, here we go. Hello? Excuse me, Miss Deane? Yes? I have tinnitus. Why do we have to clean it up? Her dumb ass broke the damn thing. Well, he's the one sneaking around, scaring people like Casper the Ghost. A Casper was the Friendly Ghost. Well, take a page from his book. You ever wonder how Casper died? When you're finished here, un-clump! 'Cause my theory is Casper and Spooky were kidnapped, raped, and murdered by Stevie. Wow, that sounds pretty dark. No, Miss Kane, not dark. Noir. - I - Or nouveau noir, if you must, but rest assured, my dear, Deadly Velvet will redefine the genre. Of the private-eye movie? Um, are you Madam, you wound me. Deadly Velvet is going to be a cinematic tour de force, and I want you deeply involved. Well, but I haven't been a private investigator for very long. Had Shocking Blue been a band very long before they recorded "Venus"? - I - No. I don't know. We can't know. And speaking of not knowing what does a technical advisor even do? Well, advise on technical matters, of course, but I think you could also help me really get inside the mind of the private detective. What makes her tick. Oh, wow, it's a female lead? What? Oh, God, no. What does Lana think she's doing? Well, I think she's She's embarrassing herself. That's what. Fawning all over Ellis Crane. Trying to make Archer When he's clearly much better suited for a woman like, well, me. Jealous. Hey, how's Ron? He's great. How's nobody? You're gon I [bleep] you on a blimp. Oh, my God! That's right. Man, what ever happened to blimps? I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. I mean, I do have tinnitus, but that's not the main thing. I'm sorry. I'm babbling. Hello. Uh, Sterling Archer. And we have actually met. You hired me to meet some blackmailers and exchange I know exactly who you are. Hm? What I don't know, Mr. Archer, is why you would think it even remotely acceptable to discuss such private matters in such a public setting. I'm sorry. It's all just so very sensitive. Now, why are you here? Well, for one thing, it's a great cause. But for another, more accurate thing, we're here because Shapiro hired us. What? Why? To guard the the Tsarina. I knew I shouldn't have worn it. No Yes, you totally should have. And I get it. I get why you did. - I wore it bec - Because, come to find out, you and I find ourselves - in the same boat. - What? And it's a totally shit boat, and the cargo is pathetic petty jealousy. - What? - And so I apologize for being so forward, but I think this needs to happen, and I think it's a win-win. What Mother What the Get on the ground! Get down! Move! Archer! Lana! Come on. Ladies and gentlemen Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. - What are you doing? - Shut up. That is so baller. But, like, old-school baller. - Like medicine baller. - Shh. Children of all ages, welcome to this robbery. I am your host, Mr. Rompers. And I did not tell you to stop. Okay, I think that red one's the leader, so you're gonna want to take him out first. Now, we do not wish to harm you. Take him out? With what? But if you try anything foolish How do you not have a gun? Uh, dahoy. You will die here tonight. Oh, right. Yeah, that thing's about three sizes too small as it is. And how do you not have a gun? Well, I would have if I had a jacket, but since I'm just a lowly waiter Well, maybe you can pout your way out. Shh That was her, running her fat mouth. Ladies and gentlemen, please, this is all very simple. Every phone line has been cut. Every exit has been booby-trapped. Now, please, give your cell phones to Mr. Oingo. He's the handsome gentleman in orange. And give your valuables to Mr. Boingo. He's the handsome gentleman in blue! Please, we do not wish to harm you! Please, just do as they say! Thank you, my good sir. Finished? Hm? Uh, hm. Uh, yes Are you insane? I don't know. Maybe. But check this out. And that, ladies and germs, is the very best you can expect. And if Veronica Deane doesn't get her wrinkly old ass out here with the Tsarina, I guess we'll have to go find it! Shh. First of all Giggles! Yum-Yum! Pinky Brewster! Tear this place apart, room by room! And please don't take this the wrong way, but your butt is like ka-kow. They're going to kill me. No, no, they're not. I have a plan, but I'm going to need you to trust me. Why? Because this. What are you doing? They'll see it. Shh. I know. I want them to. What? Why? Because I'm gonna um, incapacitate one of them and then take his place. Are you insane? What? It's a proven concept. Luke Skywalker and Han Solo. Um, probably a ton of other examples. Oh, God. I'm gonna die. - I'm gonna die. - Shh, hush, no you're not, I'm gonna get you out of here. But to do that, I'm gonna have to do a very bad thing. W-What? What do you mean? Great. Had to be the goofy pink one. Just promise me you won't scream. I What? I can't promise that. Okay, so if you feel it coming, maybe just do it into your hand, phrasing. Can you do that for me? I I don't know. I'll try. Good, you're doing great. Just remember to breathe in and out. In and out. In and out. Phrasing, doing great, and sorry in advance for what's about to happen. Oh, baby, don't you worry. I'm gonna give you something to scream about. Hey, Rompers, guess So hey, again, I'm sorry. Why, that wasn't so bad. I mean, you made it sound like you were going to No, sorry for that. Why did you do that? What? That That's how you do it. You could have just tied him up. With what? And also, no, I couldn't. That only works in the movies. He would've gotten loose or yelled or Well, shooting him would've been better than that. Not for him. Plus it's really loud, and I actually do have tinnitus, so Where did you learn that, the army? What? No, no, God, no. But, I mean, don't get me wrong. I truly appreciate the sacrifices of the men and women who serve in our armed forces, but there's easier ways to almost be eligible for food stamps. It is just criminal what they get paid. Although, I'd probably be an officer. Still, though seems like a lot of running. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go kill some evil clowns. Do you have an erection? No. No. There he is. How you doing, bub? Uh, who Whuzza Where What happened? Oh, my God, what didn't happen? Well, for starters, you're a one-hitter quitter. Wait. How long was I out? Hm, like five hours? Oh, that is not good. Uh, no. You're gonna want a brain scan, you know, if we don't get murdered. Which Veronica! Where's Veronica? That's the thing. Nobody knows. And these guys are losing their shit. Well, they're under a lot of stress. Don't start. Because somehow, some stupid idiot must've called 911. And so about a jillion cops showed up, so then it was a full-on siege. And then after that, the head clown Mr. Rompers. He's awesome. And he was like, "This blows dicks. The bathroom situation's a nightmare. I'm making an executive decision. This is too many hostages. " And so then they let everyone go. Wait, what? Everybody? Well, except for kinda the core group. Oh, and the band, which Good job, guys! Doing great! Goddamn it! What did I say about running your mouth? Sorry, that was my jam. Hey, Mr. Rompers. Shut up! Everybody! Wait, so did Shut up. Pam, tell him the best part. Wh That is the least best part. Tell him! So Cheryl here I'm sorry. Tania here has decided she's got Stockholm Syndrome. And soon I will be Mrs. Rompers. Again, that's if we don't get murdered. Shh. Which