Road Trip (Phineas and Ferb)

(Scene starts in a desert-like place and Lawrence Fletcher is driving a rented RV down a road.)

Phineas: Hey, Dad! It says on this map that America's largest sport sock is just three miles down the road. Are we gonna stop there?

(Song: "Yodel Odel Obey Me" (instrumental))

Lawrence: I'm sorry, boys, but we only have 'till sundown to return this RV to the rental place.

Linda: We'll have to do it on our next road trip, okay?

Candace: I'm ready for this trip to be over. I'm tired of being in mobile lock-down, where I can't even call my friends because of spotty cell service! That, combined with the refrigerator door opening every time we make a left and sharing a bathroom the size of a postage stamp. The only consolation for this whole rigmarole, besides the fact we didn't stop at one of those greasy spoon road stop diners, is the fact you two haven't done (echoing) anything bustable for a whole week! Seven solid days. Are you even listening to me?

Phineas: Well, we were at first, but then you got all echoey and far away.

Candace: Oh, I'm gonna go take a nap.

Phineas: Ferb, Candace is right. We didn't get a chance to stop at a classic, all-American roadside truck stop diner! You know, the juke boxes, the sassy waitresses, the little bowl of mints by the cash register.

Candace: (yawns) Too bad you can't build one...heeheehee... (snores)

Phineas: Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today. Hey! (sees the inflatable Perry) There's Perry!

Major Monogram: (on a miniature monitor) Ah, Agent P, we're sorry. We know you're on vacation, but Doofenshmirtz is driving a big rig not far from your current location. We need you to reroute your family and catch up to him. Find out what he's up to and put a stop to it. Oh, I envy you. The romance of the open road. The tire chunks all up and down the shoulder and that ever-mysterious single shoe.

Automated voice: Turn left at next exit.

Lawrence: Hmm, that's odd, but I never argue with a lady.

Linda: Hey, what's that?

Lawrence: It's a CB radio. I can talk to truckers on it.

Linda: Talk to truckers? Do it!

Lawrence: Okay. (on CB radio) Uh, breaker, breaker, 1-9. This is Cheeky Monkey. Anybody got their flappers on out there?

Linda: Cheeky Monkey?

Lawrence: Oh, that's me. It's my... my handle.

Linda: (pause) How do you know how to use a CB radio?

Lawrence: Simple, I studied this.

Linda: (reading) "Truckin Drivin' Hits/1975-1975".

Lawrence: Yes, yes, yes, handle it carefully, dear.

Doofenshmirtz: (via CB radio) Hello? Cheeky Monkey?

Linda: Oh! Oh! You got someone.

Lawrence: (on CB radio) Yes, yes, this is Cheeky Monkey. You're shaking the windows. What's your handle, good buddy? Come back.

Doofenshmirtz: (via CB radio) A handle? Handle, handle. Oh, my name. Uh, yeah, you got Misfortune here.

Lawrence: (on CB radio) Well, hello, Miss.

Doofenshmirtz: (on CB radio) No, no! It's not Miss, it's... it's Misfortune. Like, like one word. It's like... It means bad luck. One word. So, uh, where are you?

Lawrence: (on CB radio) Oh, we're running a double nickel on a dime.

Linda: Double nickel on a...

Lawrence: 55 on the 10.

Linda: Oh, yes. Very clever.

Doofenshmirtz: (on CB radio) Well, let's see. I'm eastbound with a smoky on my 20, on a cab over Louie with... You know, I'm gonna level with you. I don't know were I am or what I'm saying, really. Is there a code for that?

Lawrence: (on CB radio) No worries, Miss. Just keep your metal up and your rubber down.

Doofenshmirtz: (on CB radio) Metal up? What kind of... (Perry lands on the windshield with suction cups on his hands and feet) (at Perry) Hey! (on CB radio) Cheeky Monkey, I'm gonna have to call you back.

Lawrence: (on CB radio) 10-4, good buddy. I'm gone.

Linda: You know, you just scored some big man points in my book for that.

Lawrence: Woo-hoo!

Linda: You just lost them again.

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, don't start anything because I'm driving and it's really unsafe. Quit goofing around and sit down! Besides, you should really have seat belts on. (laughing) Yeah!

Ah, you're probably wondering what I'm doing driving this big rig. As you know, every Inator of mine has a self-destruct feature, all of which rely on a little formula top scientists refer to as "Boom Juice". I found a cheap deal on a whole truckload of the stuff out here in the sticks. But I had to drive it home myself because, well, the shipment's a little old and unstable.

(beeping)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, pay no attention to that. That's just the mandatory early warning explosion alert. I'll just turn down the sound so we can talk. Then I can tell you some of my truck driving tales.

Phineas: Ready?

(Ferb gives a thumbs up. Both strap their seat belts and the seat rises out of the roof)

(Cut to Candace napping. She snores, then sits up in her sleep)

Candace: Mom. Phineas and Ferb. Bust. Look.

Man: And one little orphan boy looked up at me with tears in his eyes and he said, "Mr. Trucker Man, you done saved Christmas!"

Lawrence: Oh, that's good.

(Candace walks up to Linda and Lawrence in her sleep)

Candace: Mom. Bust. Boys.

Linda: Oh, Lawrence, look. Candace is sleep-busting again!

Lawrence: Aww, that's adorable.

Linda: Hon, go back to your nap now. Go on. (directs her away)

Candace: Mom. Bust. Boys.

Lawrence: Oh, go on. Play track three! It's the one where a group of truckers take down a corrupt police force using only their trucks and their saucy colloquialisms.

(Song: "Yodel Odel Obey Me" (instrumental))

Delivery Man: Delivery. Hey, aren't you two a little young to be receiving a seasoned grill, 300 pounds of coffee, 200 pounds of fatback, four tons of lumber and assorted wheat, rye and pumpernickel breads?

Phineas: Think about it. Age isn't really the issue here, right?

Delivery Man: You got a point, kid.

Doofenshmirtz: So, then I say to him, "That's not a penguin. It's a throw pillow." And so he throw it at me. Turns out it was a penguin and its beak went right into my mouth. And I'm all, "Ew! Their beak is their nose!" Ugh! True story. Ah!

(Song: "Alabama Bound")

He's a mobile mammal and I bet you a fiver

He's eatin' hush puppies and corn...

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, I can't fight you and drive at the same time! It's a good thing I installed my Hitch-a-ride-inator.

A-ha! Voila. We are locked together. They do all the driving and I don't have to. Now, where were we? Wait. Hey! Where did you go?

Ow! Ow! Ow! No! No! Hey! Hey, what the heck, man?

Lawrence: Oh! My word, there's a truck-driving pharmacist and he's pressing his face up against his windshield. Oh, that's what I love about you Americans. You're like big, fun children.

Linda: Yes, yes, we are.

Doofenshmirtz: Well, how about that! Did you ever notice that the hood ornament here is a little dog?

(Cut to Candace in the RV, she wakes up and notices that Phineas and Ferb are not here)

Candace: Hmm...

(Candace walks up to Linda and Lawrence)

Linda: Right there! Red barn! Bingo!

Candace: Mom, have you seen Phineas and Ferb?

Linda: (oblivious to her awake) Oh, honey, you're still sleep-busting. Go back and lie down, Candace.

Candace: Oh, but the boys -- !

Linda: (directs her away) Go on, you're sleeping.

Candace: Phineas? Ferb? Hello?!

(country music playing)

Candace: Hey, is that...music?

(She gets out a ladder, extends it and climbs up)

(Cut to the roof of the RV, Candace sees an escalator)

Candace: What?!

(She gets on the escalator)

(Cut to the inside of a diner on the RV. Candace comes into the diner via a small staircase in the floor, she is shocked)

Phineas: Hey, Candace! Welcome to the No Stop Truck Stop. It's like a little bit of home, on the road!

Candace: Phineas, my last peaceful hours of vacation, and you build this?!

Man 1: More coffee, Miss?

Candace: This is unbelievable! (pours coffee) When Mom, sees this one, she's gonna completely flip!

Man 2: Miss, I'd like the breakfast special.

Candace: (writes in a notebook) Honestly, you can close your eyes for one second around you boys. (to someone) Hash browns or fruit?

Man 2: Hash browns!

Candace: You're having fruit! (tears out order)

Man 2: Oh...

Candace: (to Phineas) You are so busted!

Man 3: Hey, some orange juice over here.

Candace: Yeah, hold your horses. (to Phineas, picking up a pitcher of orange juice) I mean, it's bad enough in our own backyard, but at least that's stationary. (pours orange juice)

Man 4: Do the eggs southwest have bacon in them?

Candace: (holds up notebook) Ferb, bacon in the southwest?

(Ferb gives a thumbs up)

Candace: There's bacon.

Man 4: Is the bacon good?

Candace: It's bacon.

Man 4: Okay, then, uh, I'll take, uh...

Candace: Not getting any younger here.

(Song: "Little Bit of Home on the Road")

This is our "No Stop Truck Stop",

Come on in, take a break from

hauling that load

We got coffee that's hot

and ice that's not,

It's a little bit of home on the road

We got lots of gravy to fill up all our pans,

And restrooms out in back

If you have to wash your hands

If an armadillo is your pillow

and your cab is your abode,

Then come on in for a little bit of home on the road

Enjoy the view while you're

slurping homemade stew,

And when you're finish you can sit and chat

Phineas: Do you want pie?

Unnamed trucker: Oh yeah!

Our juke plays latest hits from 1966,

We may not know where we're going

but we sure know where it's at

There's chicken fried steak,

and some devil's food cake,

as we whirl through another zip code

There's butter that's real

and butter that's fake,

Just a little bit of home on the road

Just sit right down,

you look like a hungry gent,

Our biscuits and gravy,

go down like wet cement,

So, if you're looking for home cooking,

or you want to see a three-headed toad,

Just come on in for a little bit of home on the road (3x)

(Candace puts another order on a trolley just before realizing she's working as a waitress) Candace: (throws down notebook and apron) Oh, what am I doing!?

Doofenshmirtz: That's it, Perry the Platypus! There is nowhere left to run! You have officially overstayed your welcome!

Hey! Hey, no fair!

(straining)

Ow!

Automated voice: Left in 100 feet.

Lawrence: Uh, okay. .... This seems to have a little more corn than most shortcuts.

Doofenshmirtz: I'm outta here! .... Oh, great!

Automated voice: Turn right to avoid plunging 5,000 feet into Cactus Gorge.

Lawrence: Well, yes, all right, might as well.

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, no! My Boom Juice! Heading for Cactus Gorge!

Oh. Well, what do you know? My Boom Juice isn't as volatile as I had...

(The explosion sends Candace back down the stairs)

Candace: (screams)

Man 5: Uh, Miss, I ordered some pie.

(Candace falls down the escolator back into the RV. She lands in a chair, it rises)

Candace: (screams)

Phineas: Really? By banding together, the truckers saved Christmas? Cool.

(The seat pops up from the stair area)

Candace: Oh, you're coming with me! (swipes the boys and goes back down)

Man 5: (at the camera) Yeah, I still never got my pie.

(Cut back to Lawrence and Linda)

Linda: (sighs) I think I'll go check on the kids. (unfastens seat belt and stands up, does a half moon pose and leaves)

(The seat lowers back down just as Linda arrives)

Linda: (sees Candace with her arms around Phineas and Ferb) Oh, look at you guys.

Candace: Wait! No, Mom! (gets out of her seat and pushes Linda toward the ladder) The boys! They built a truck stop! On the roof! Seriously, a whole restaurant! Climb up and see!

Linda: Hon...

Candace: Mom, go! Look!

Linda: (flatly) Okay, here we go... (goes up ladder)

Candace: Ee-ee-ee-ee...

(Cut to a parkway where the Nagging wife and her husband are)

Farmer's wife: It's always about you! I have dreams, too, you know. I've always wanted to own a little truck stop diner.

(The RV drives under the bridge where they are, the diner suddenly comes apart at the bridge)

Farmer: There you go.

Farmer's wife: How do you do that?

(Linda opens the roof lid and peeks out to see nothing)

Linda: (pause) I don't get it. (to Candace) What am I supposed to see?

Candace: (comes up) What?! (grabs her head) NOOOO!!!

Lawrence: (comes up) So, what are we looking at? (pause, Candace and Linda look at him) Oh. Oh, right, haha! (goes back in)

(Candace and Linda look at the screen in shock)

Doofenshmirtz: Yep, gonna need some new pants. Well, I fail to see how this day could get any worse.

(whistling overhead)

Doofenshmirtz: (at the camera) Flaming cactus. (screams, gets covered in flaming cactus) Yeah, that ought to do it!

End Credits
(Song: "Little Bit of Home on the Road")

Just sit right down,

you look like a hungry gent,

Our biscuits and gravy,

go down like wet cement,

So, if you're looking for home cooking,

or you want to see a three-headed toad,

Just come on in for a little bit of home on the road (3x)