The Cooper/Kripke Inversion


 * (Leonard and Penny approach Apartment 4A and hear The Imperial March from inside the apartment)
 * Leonard: Oh, no!
 * Penny: What is that?
 * Leonard: That is Sheldon’s "I’m unhappy and about to destroy the planet" music. Come on, let’s just go to your place.


 * Amy Farrah Fowler: The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I'm supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it's hard because now he reminds me of my uncle. [Looks at Sheldon, who just nods silently] You've been awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?


 * Sheldon: I read his research; it's leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the Mommy of the smartest man in the university isn't mine as I had thought. It's his mommy! (starts crying)
 * Amy: Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?
 * Sheldon: What do we have to lose? (Amy hugs him tightly)
 * Amy: How's that?
 * Sheldon: I feel like I'm being strangled by a boa constrictor. (Amy lets go) Why did you stop?! (Amy hugs him again)


 * Penny: Sheldon, can I ask you a question?
 * Sheldon: Of course.
 * Penny: You ever gonna sleep with Amy? (Leonard and Sheldon just stare at her)
 * Sheldon: That's awfully personal.
 * Leonard: (A little scared) We don't ask Sheldon things like that.
 * Penny: Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?
 * Sheldon: Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling.
 * Penny: All right, come on. Be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?
 * Leonard: All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?
 * Sheldon: Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy.
 * Penny: Then what's the problem?
 * Sheldon: Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others—handshaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would've been unthinkable.
 * Leonard: Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.
 * Penny: Okay, hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might...actually...get physical?
 * Sheldon: (Long pause) It's a possibility.
 * Penny: [silently, grabbing Leonard's shoulder] Oh, my God! Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.
 * Sheldon: Oh, yeah. (Penny starts to punch and slap Leonard in excitement.)


 * Leonard: Sheldon Lee Cooper, I don't have time for this nonsense. Now go put your clothes on, get in the car, and let's get to work.
 * Sheldon: All right. Geez. What a grouch.


 * Leonard: Hmm. Kind of a strange place to put a picture of you and Bernadette.
 * Howard: Well, I wanted everybody to know I love my wife. And nobody to know I forgot to turn off the laser.
 * Raj: They’re here. Our action figures have arrived. This is the best five hundred dollars I’ve ever spent.
 * Leonard: A thousand dollars on action figures? How can you afford that?
 * Howard: Easy. His family’s loaded, and Bernadette has a great job. My wife came with both fun bags and money bags.
 * Raj: Say hello to an exact scale model of me. [he stops smiling when he sees his model's skin is darker brown] Oh, I’m not dark chocolate. I’m melt-in-your-mouth caramel.
 * Howard: Oh, man. Look at my nose.
 * Leonard: Maybe it’s a shipping problem.
 * Howard: What?
 * Leonard: Yeah. Maybe Wesley Snipes and Toucan Sam just got action figures that look like you guys.
 * Raj: This sucks.
 * Howard: I can’t believe I wasted all that money.
 * Leonard: Aw, and my girlfriend wouldn’t let me get one. Look at my face. Do I look smug? I feel smug.


 * [The scene of Howard entering his and his wife's apartment with excitement]
 * Howard: (to Bernadette) Oh, good, you’re home. (closes the door and runs to sit on the couch next to her) Got a little surprise for you.
 * Bernadette: (excited after putting her laptop down onto the table) What?
 * Howard: Say hello to my little friend. (he produces a 3D model of himself)
 * Bernadette: (she is so pleased with excitement) Oh, my God. That’s so cute. I didn’t think there could be a smaller version of you.
 * Howard: (1st time: he chuckles) I know, right? And, thanks to photographs and a little 3-D modeling, (He produces a 3D model of Bernadette) here comes the bride.
 * [Bernadette takes the small 3D model of herself from Howard and she admires them both]
 * Bernadette: Oh, Howie, I love these.
 * Howard: (2nd time: he chuckles) I thought you might.
 * [Bernadette now gets her husband to confess]
 * Bernadette: (1st time: she's asking Howard in surprise) Were they expensive?
 * Howard: Didn’t cost a thing. I made them myself.
 * Bernadette: (2nd time: she's asking Howard in surprise) How?
 * Howard: Koothrappali and I bought a used 3-D printer for $5,000. (3rd time: he chuckles)
 * [Howard sees his wife turn furious at the $5,000 details that he had just told her].
 * Bernadette: (she is now very cross) $5,000 for a couple of dolls? (she slams the two figures down onto the couch) Are you out of your mind?
 * Howard: (he picks the two figures back up and he speaks to his wife nervously) Not just for a couple of dolls. For as many dolls as we want. (4th time: he chuckles) And whistles (5th time: he chuckles).
 * [Bernadette is still very cross by all the things that Howard had said]
 * Bernadette: (she's asking her husband crossly) At any point, did it dawn on you to talk to me about spending this kind of money?
 * Howard: (he is a bit worried) It’s kind of dawning on me now.
 * Bernadette: (she stands up and gets even more angry) I don’t believe you. (she faces Howard to shout at him angrily) Howie, we can’t afford to waste money on junk like this.
 * Howard: (he puts the dolls down and he strides up to his wife shiftily) What are you talking about? We make plenty of money.
 * Bernadette: (she angrily snaps harder at Howard) I make plenty of money. You make peanuts.
 * Howard: Yes, but we’re married now. (Bernadette turns herself away from Howard's face in fury) That means, when you get sick, I take care of you. And when you make a bunch of money, I get to buy stuff.
 * [Bernadette continues to glare at her husband with more strong anger].
 * Howard: Sorry if you don’t like it, but that’s how love works.
 * Bernadette: (she is still very cross for the last 9 seconds) No, here’s how love works. You’re going to return the machine, or you can print out a working set of lady parts and sleep with those.
 * [Howard puts on a little shifty grin to Bernadette whilst he thinks about it for a second]
 * Bernadette: (she finally shouts with a huge gasp of anger) Oh, my God! Are you actually thinking about it?
 * [Howard just shrugs unhappily at his gigantically angry wife and starts to have nothing more to say]


 * Penny: You doing okay, sweetie?
 * Sheldon: There's ominous music playing and there's an afghan over my head. I don't know where you're from, but where I'm from, that means I'm not doing okay.
 * Leonard: I'm going to make you some tea.
 * Sheldon: Tea is from when I'm upset. I'm not upset. The university is forcing me to work with Kripke. I'm outraged.
 * Leonard: So, cocoa?
 * Sheldon: Yes, cocoa. Do you have any idea what it's like to be paired with someone who's so incredibly annoying?
 * Leonard: Oh, teacher, me! Me!
 * Sheldon: You see, I did all of this great work, and I'm usually going to come along and ruin it. I'm angrier than ever and filled with despair.
 * Penny: What beverage do you make for that?
 * Leonard: Oh, no, no, no, I know this. Uh... Hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks?
 * Sheldon: Yes, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks!