The Undergrounders

(Scene opens up when Milo and his friends are going to the subway)

Milo: The train to the museum of natural history should be here any...

Amanda: 41 seconds.

Milo: 41 seconds from now, apparently. I'm really looking forward to seeing some paleontology, archaeology, all the "-ologys" really.

Melissa: Milo, you are an ology onto yourself. (seeing that she's forgot the student discount) Oh! Forgot my student discount. (Amanda puts it for her) Thanks, Amanda!

Zack: Melissa, is there ever time you haven't forgot something?

Melissa: Yeah, February 30th or 31st, I forget.

Zack: Neither of those are dates.

Bradley: I'll be giving a tour... for anyone who's not going to be at the Milo's show.

Milo: Bradley, I don't have a performance planned.

Bradley: Sure you say that now, but then one geyser comes through the floor and suddenly Milo's the center of attention.

Milo: (stuck at the subway's entrance) Oops! I'm stuck.

Bradley: (while the other students laugh at him) Cue geyser.

Milo: (Milo tries to get out) Wow! Wow! Wow!

Bradley: Interesting tidbit about the museum of natural history; it was formed...

Natalie: Shhh. We're watching Milo in the turnstile. It's like he's on the circus subway.

Milo: Wooow!

Zack: Should we wait for the next one?

Melissa: Nah, he's got it, in 3, 2, 1.

(Finally, Milo stumbles out of the turnstile and handwalks into the car with his friends)

Milo: This floor is a lot cleaner than I expected.

(The train starts to move)

Subway announcer: Next stop: The museum of national history.

Zack: So, this is the subway?

Melissa: You've never been on it? It's dark, and dirty, and full of weird smells.

Milo: That was their add campaign last year.

(Melissa and Zack look at him scarcely)

Melissa: Hey, uh... you guys ever hear about those mole people?

Zack: (with fear) No!

Milo: The urban legend?

Melissa: A subspecies of humanish creatures, roaming the tunnels, searching for pray.

Milo: Maybe we'll meet some.

Zack: Rather meet them above-ground.

Milo: Then they wouldn't be mole people. They'd be...

Melissa: ...people.

(The train starts shaking)

Zack: Does it usually do this?

Milo: Well, sometimes, when the coupling's loose.

(The coupling is revealed to be loose)

Zack: (offscreen) The coupling's loose? What does that even mean?

Milo: I better put on my seatbelt.

Melissa: How is that going to work?

Milo: Easy. You insert the tab into the buckle until you hear it click, like this.

(The train car breaks free from the rest of the train with a bump that sends Zack and Melissa to the floor)

Melissa: Wow! (it's revealed that Milo has strapped himself to a pole with the seat belt) Oh, I get it now.

Milo: I would have had extras. But you know, the llama incident.

Bradly: And so, that's when the planetarium removed Pluto from the cosmos show.

Mort: Man! Pluto has to be a planet. An astrologer told me it's in my fourth house.

Bradley: Ah nooo. Pluto is...

Amanda: The other car came off! Milo's in there.

Bradley: Of course he is.

Mort: So that's what a runaway train car looks like... I'll be honest, I'm a little disappointed.

(The loose coupling changes some points that divert runaway train car down a passage marked 'under construction'. It soon reaches the surface where construction workers run away screaming as the car comes to a stop.)

Zack: Well at least we're above ground. Heh heh heh.

(The ground gives way beneath the car and it falls down more tunnels, finally going off the track and crashing in a dark cave.)

Milo: And then to unbuckle it you press down this button.

(Zack pulls on the doors)

Zack: Locked. How can these be locked? Does it usually do this?

Melissa: Ugh! The windows don't open either.

Zack: What is the point of a window that doesn't open?

Milo: It provides work for window washers and glass installation professionals.

Zack: And the ceiling. Is there usually a ceiling? (Bangs on the roof and begins to breathe deeply)  Melissa: Zack, are you by chance claustro...

Zack: Not claustrophobic. Just claustro-avoident. I avoid enclosed spaces when possible.

Melissa: Probably not possible right now.

Zack: It's better if I'm distracted.

Milo: Okay, wait.

(Milo taps his shoes to some music)

Zack: Not helping.

Milo: How about this...?

(Milo and Melissa grab posters of various places in Paris from Milo's backpack and stick them around the train car. Milo then starts playing the concertina while wearing a beret.)

Zack: Now I'm distracted. Have you been carrying that the whole time?

Milo: I try to pack for any eventuality. Now let's see about getting those doors open. Ah, here we go.

(Milo takes a key from his backpack)

Zack: Okay, next time, key first, tap dancing later. (They exit the car)

Melissa: This is amazing.

Milo: Look, a fossil. 'Chicken wing. Circa 1993'

Zack: See! Nothing can live under here. Not even chickens.

Milo: Could be worse.

Zack: How?

Melissa: Mysterious underground creatures?

Zack: Well I guess that would be worse.

Melissa: No. Mysterious underground creatures are coming towards us.

Milo: Silver lining, things can live down here.

Foreman: Someone hit the lights.

(The mysterious figures are revealed to be dirty construction workers with various Impromptu construction material made clothing items.)

Melissa: Huh. I'll be honest, I'm a little disappointed.

Scott: Young people from the over land. You shall be our leaders.

Foreman: No no. We have a leader. It's Dave.

Dave: Sup

Foreman: It's a democratic hierarchical society.

Milo: Wait a minute, who are you guys?

Scott: We live below. They call us... 'The Belownies'

Foreman: No they don't Scott. We voted on this. 'Belownies' sounds like a lunch meat. We're called the Undergrounders.

Scott: I am the wise healer among my peoples.

Foreman: He's a pipe fitter.

Milo: Where are we?

Scott: We call our world 'Subterrainus'...terainus... terainus.

Foreman: ...That one's true. He just wanted it so badly.

Scott: I wore them down.

Foreman: So, where you kids headed?

Milo: Class trip to the museum. I helped organize it.

Scott: He shall be our leader.

Zack: How long have you been down here?

Scott: Since... 'the before times'.

Foreman: Uh, about a month, actually. We were building an extension on this line, but we got lost so we figured we'd better establish a new civilization.

Milo: Wow. You established a new civilization in a month?

Foreman: You'd be surprised how much you can get done when you're not constantly setting up and moving orange cones.

Scott: I shall be the leader!

Foreman: Seriously Scott.

(They reach where the Undergounders are living)

Milo: So you've got agriculture, art, rudimentary government...

Melissa: Liquerice somehow. You're actually going to eat that?

Zack: I'm trying to distract myself from the walls moving in on us. I wonder what part of the chicken this is.

Melissa: The rat part.

Milo: Granola bars?

Scott: *Gasp* He bears the sweet mana of the overland.

Foreman: Oh, no thanks. I just had some... chicken and... kinda lost my appetite.

(Diogee walks up to Milo)

Milo: Diogee? What are you doing here?

Zack: Please be rescuing us.

Scott: The floppy eared one shall be our leader.

Foreman: Weren't you allergic to dogs?

Scott: Ooohh. (Reverts to his normal voice.) Right. You know what? Yeah, yeah. I actually am.

Milo: Wait, Diogee, our leader.

Melissa: We are not starting our own civilization.

Dave: (Flipping burgers on a barbecue made out of a toilet) They taste worse than they smell.

Milo: Diogee always knows the way home. Diogee, go home!

(the Undergrounders cheer as they follow Diogee)

Scott: I enjoy running.

(Melissa trips and then she and Milo get trapped under falling rubble)

Zack: No! Melissa. Milo. Are you guys okay?

Melissa: Yeah we're okay, if you call being buried alive okay.

Milo: I see light past this one rock. Maybe if we can move... *grunts* Nope. No, it won't budge. Don't worry. I've got my backpack right...

(Rock crushes Milo's backpack and torch)

Zack: What was that?

Milo: Hmmmm. Well okay. Maybe you can worry a little bit.

(Cut to the museum of natural history)

Ms. White: Oh dear. Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. Oh! I could swear we had eighteen kids. Can you read my writing? Is that a five or an eight?

Bradley: Any minute now Milo's going to show up and everyone's going to be like 'Oh Milo. Tell us about your adventure.' But until then I'm having my best day ever. Mort do you really need more rose quartz?

Mort: If you understood it's properties you wouldn't be asking me that.

Milo: Okay, here's the plan. Someone crawl through and jimmy out that rock from the front.

Foreman: I don't think any of us can fit.

Zack: I can fit... I think.

Melissa: But Zack, you're claustro-avoident. Are you sure you want to do this?

Zack: No. I'm sure I don't want to do it. But you guys need me.

Foreman: Good luck kid.

Scott: It was nice knowing you. Hey, that was my flash light.

Foreman: Scott.

Scott: But he's going to use up the batteries.

Zack: Is there another flash light in there?

Milo: My backup backup got crushed.

Zack: I can barely see.

Melissa: Not much to see. Just kind of a tiny enclosed suffocating... you know what? Never mind.

Milo: You can do this. Think of how you faced down wolves and survived an alien abduction. And that's just since we've met. I'm sure you did lots of stuff before that.

Zack: Nope. Never did anything. What if this rock is all that's holding this up?

Milo: Don't worry. I'm sure it'll work.

Zack: How do you know?

Milo: Because it has so far.

Melissa: Relatively speaking.

Zack: Okay, on three. One. Two. Three.

Melissa: It's clear!

Milo and Melissa: Yeah!

Milo: See, I told you it would hold. (Rocks collapse and crush the place they were trapped) Well it held long enough.

Melissa: You totally saved us.

Scott: He shall be our leader.

Milo and Foreman: Yeah. He shall.

Zack: Thanks guys.

Foreman: I am impressed kid. I would've just let them start a new society in there.

Melissa: Hey where's Diogee?

(The wall collapses to reveal Diogee in a train car)

Everyone: Diogee!

(They drive the train car down the track)

Foreman: You know, we have no idea where these tracks go.

Milo: I'm sure it'll all work out.

Foreman: You're sure...

Zack: He uses that term loosely.

(They see a point lever currently leading them towards a section of track that abruptly ends over a drop)

Milo: O oh. I got this. (Milo grabs the lever but it breaks off) Oo. Or not.

(They fly off the track screaming but land safely on another track)

Melissa: O. we survived.

Foreman: O oh.

An Undergrounder: Maybe not.

(They all complain as they approach a dead end)

Ms. White: Yeah, I guess maybe if you squint it could be a five. (The train car smashes through the wall and a dinosaur skeleton falls on Bradley.) Nope. It was an eight. Hmhm. Milo, tell us about your adventure.

Bradley: A-a-and we're back.

Milo: What will you guys do now?

Scott: There is no place in your world for us now.

Foreman: Then you can stay Scott. Me? I'm going to go check my DVR. I've got a month of The Doctor Zone Files to catch up on.

Milo: Oo, That mean you missed it when the Trashcandroids...

Foreman: No spoilers.

(Undergrounders bid farewell and leave)

Scott: I shall return to 'Subterrainus'...terrainus...terrainus. And you will be my leader.

Bradley: Oh sorry, I'm trapped in a rib cage right now. Interesting tidbit, stegosaurus ribs are...

Scott: Never mind. (Runs laughing back into the tunnel)

Bradley: He saw something in me.

Melissa: Whatever he saw he also saw in a dog.

Zack: 'The floppy eared one will be our leader.'