It's a Wonderful Night

Tonight is going to be the best night of our lives. Mom and Dad gone. Your brother date. Who's left in charge? Judy queen of zits. We'll tell her she's looking especially broken out this evening So she'll spend all night in the bathroom squeezing her face Leaving us free to watch Barney salutes the alphabet? That's just the box. It's parent camouflage. Outside, a happy purple sock. Inside, the guts are flying. Whoa! I'm blowing Up Your Head. Part 6 Stumpy's Revenge. I thought Stumpy died in Part 5. Well, that's why he wants revenge. Cool. ooh, "Barney Does the ABCs. " You know, I don't want to ruin the ending for you, Cor, but, uh "Z. " You totally underestimate me. Open it. Ha. Stumpy's Revenge. Not bad for a baby scam. This is not a baby scam. This is a totally major scam. "Stumpy's Revenge" is rated "R" For violence. Yeah, maybe a little nudity? Yeah, but we can fast forward over that. All right, you're right. It's a major scam. But hey, if you're gonna do the crime be sure you're ready to do the time. What do you mean? Why do you think Mom and Dad are letting me go get my driver's license with Jason and his brother instead of with them? Because they hope you'll get lost and never come back? No. Because they trust me. See, I've spent my whole life putting deposits in the trust bank and today I'm cashing in. What trust bank? You get busted all the time. Just a few, carefully selected times. Enough so Mom and Dad think they're doing their job. See, they know if something major happens I'll come to them. Wow. I never thought I'd say this but I could learn from you. And maybe I can fit into this master plan of yours. After you get your license we could drive downtown and check out that new baseball card shop on Third Street. Excellent! Yes! Then we could go to the drive-thru and pick up a bucket of hot wings for me and Shawn to eat with the movie. - Oh, yes! - Yes! Yes! That's why I'm getting my license. So I could bring my little brother to all the places he's ever wanted to go to. Unless Jason and I have a date with two totally major babes. oh, wait, we do. But here's a lovely parting gift. You doing your homework? Mm-hmm. It's still light outside. What's going on? I'm being responsible. No, really. What's going on? Ta-da! What do you think? Uh Danger! Danger, Will Robinson! What's the problem? Clean shirt, new jeans, jacket. I look good. Alan, tonight is really important to me. All the real estate biggies in Pennsylvania are gonna be there and they're kind of a non-casual bunch. How dressed up do you have to be to be bored to death? Put on a suit. If you die of boredom then I won't have to change your clothes for your funeral. Can't I just stay home spend some quality time with my kids, huh? No! I mean, you don't want to let Mom down, right? Oh, come on, son. How does a night of bonding with your dear old dad sound? Pretty good, huh? Great, yeah. It sounds great. So I'll meet you halfway. You go with Mom and I'll miss the heck out of you. I am so proud to be the best friend of the first guy in history to fail his driver's test before it started! The DMV guy waved me forward. I pulled up, like, two inches. That was not the DMV guy. That was the father of the kid ahead of you. How am I supposed to know that? I'm at the DMV. I assume the guy waving me forward is the DMV Guy. Eric, DMV guys are cops, oK? They don't usually wave you forward with a can of beer. Hello? Oh, hey, Tracy. Yeah, there's some bad news. Um, I went Tracy, how you doing? Bad news? oh, uh the cash machine only gave us Oh, you, uh you bought a new dress? Oh, you hope it's not too short. Sweetheart, life can be too short But dresses, no. Heh heh heh heh. I'll pick you up tonight at 8:00. What are you saying to her? We cannot pick them up until I take the driving test again in two weeks. OK, that's just logic. That's getting in our way. Look Ahem. Hey, looking good, Mr. M. Hey, guys. Hey, how's the road warrior? Dad, look, about the He got off to kind of a rocky start but, you know, once he had his foot on the accelerator, next thing you knew it Was over. Ha ha. Attaboy! I knew you wouldn't let me down. Nope. No letting down here. Not the father, not the friend and not two lovely babes in drafty apparel. Jason, I have to tell him. Yes, you do. That is the right thing to do. And tomorrow is the right day to do it. Ahem. Rrrr. Ow! Whoo! Too young to be a mom. Too pretty to be in real estate. Why are you sucking up to my mom? Hey, have you seen my mom? You know, son, I was thinking somebody in this house should have a good time tonight. Those are your car keys. Mm-hmm. - Dad, I - Eric, Eric, his car keys. Your father is giving you his car keys. You know, someday I hope I can be half the man you are. Well, right now you are. No leaving this house until Judy gets here. I am not lying to my parents. I mean, they trust me. They gave me life. They deserve better from me. OK, you got that out of your system? Yeah. What's the plan? You are gonna drive us on the date. Hello? oh, hi, Judy. Yeah. How are you? What? You can't. You can't. You can't. She did. - Did what? - She bailed. She's not gonna babysit tonight. We're dead. No, we're not dead. All's we have to do is find another babysitter. Where are we gonna find another babysitter on fifteen minutes notice? Mr. Feeny. Hello, Eric. I was wondering if you could help me out with a problem I've got. Always happy to assist a former student. See, our babysitter canceled, so Judy Horn? Yeah. Some kind of a skin crisis. I don't even want to think about what a crisis for her would be. Her whole head would have to pop. Uh, anyway, I'm going to a classical music concert with a friend You? Classical music? Beethoven or Prokofiev? Uh, Beethoven. Symphony or concerto? Uh, symphony. Blonde or brunette? Blondes Brahms. Ah, so the real situation is that you have a date, but you can't go until you find a replacement babysitter. Within the next ten minutes. Oh, well, you have quite a time crunch, don't you? Name your price. Manual labor spreading manure in my yard for the next four sundays. Two sundays. - Five. - Done. Yes, I would love another cup of tea, thank you. And would you like to try on my new floppy hat? No, Morgan. Now, here I really must draw the line. I will not put on your floppy hat. Now, that's not going to work. We had an agreement. I was to get dressed up and come to your tea party. And then you were to leave me in complete peace so that I could grade my papers. Now, I have upheld my part of the bargain. I have festooned myself in costume jewelry. I have swilled your faux tea. Now, I insist that you keep your end of the bargain. Oh, all right. All right. Give me the hat. Happy now? Uh-huh. What's that? My mix-and-bake cake is ready. Oh, well. I rush on winged feet. So. aLL previous theories of the migratory pattern of the Arctic caribou are shattered by the startling discovery that not one. but two arctic caribou here where there were previously not one. but none. . ALL right. college girL in the shower kiss your head goodbye. No! Stumpy! No! Why did Stumpy just blow up her head? Well, that's a tough one, Cor. Stumpy's a pretty complex guy. Here We are. . After the infant caribou is delivered the mother Licks it free of the birth fluids. - Eww!. - Eww!. Oh, buck up. You're watching the glorious tapestry of nature. . ALL right. buxom night nurse. Say hasta La vista to your head. No. Stumpy! Not the crossbow! No! - Whoa! - Whoa! Ooh, she blowed up real good. Bean dip? Wonder if Eric's having as good a time as we are. Are you kidding? Having fun is what he's best at. Please give me back my daddy's car. There has to be some shred of humanity in you. What does that mean, uh, humanity? All right. Mr. Feeny will be here in a few minutes. Now, um, excuse me, mister sir, I still don't understand why you can't give us the car. I mean, we have the money. Oh, so I should just hand over a vehicle to any yutz who has forty bucks. You want the car, then I need to see the address on your driver's license matches the address on your vehicle registration. Then I'm happy. Make me happy. I got a junior with a Camaro. Should we take it? Anything to get out of here. You know, I really learned a lot tonight. Like What? White curb good, red curb bad? No, I learned that girls like you are only interested in using people. And you know something? We're glad you found a junior with a Camaro, because we don't need you. They think they don't need us. Poor naive lambs. Tony with a "Y '," huh? That's cool. It was my mother's idea. So, uh, what can I do for you girls? Our friend left his license at home. And we know you're not supposed to But we thought maybe you could give him his car anyway. Our moms would be so worried if we're not home by curfew. So, you'll just be needing the one car? Yep, just one little itty-bitty car. But we may be back, Tony with a "Y '. " Well, uh, here. You give this to Vinnie at the impound lot and, uh, he'll give you the car. That was amazing. You girls are unbelievable. Yeah, we are. Wait a minute. Aren't these the guys who don't need us? Yeah, well, then I guess they can get back their pathetic dad-mobile all by themselves. - No! - No! No! Tape! Tape! Sounds like a Camaro. Oh, Mr. Feeny. I never thought I'd be happy to see you. I wish I could say the same. What seems to be the problem? Dad's car got towed. And we can't get it back from Sasquatch. Oh, I'll clear this up in no time. Excuse me, young man. It's, uh, Tony with a "Y '. " Fine, Tony. Might I inquire why you won't release the car? It's like I told the kid you ain't got a license, you ain't getting the car. Aren't. What? You aren't getting the car. Wrong, pal. I already got the car. No, no. You misunderstand me. I was simply correcting your grammar. I don't need talking lessons from a guy who's wearing an earring. Could we get back to the car issue, please? The issue is, no license, no car. Capisce? Eric, why don't you just give the man your driver's license? Because I, uh I don't have it. Well, tell me where you left it, and I'll go get it. Ahem. Well, I don't, uh, technically like, at this actual point in time He doesn't have a license. He's got to. Not even my brother's that big an idiot. I, uh beg to differ. Missy brush your teeth and go to bed. You suck that lip back in. Upstairs. Now. You, return to your home now. Jason, you cannot leave me holding the bag for all this. Ha ha ha. See how little you know me? And as for you, young man, I want you to go to your room and wait till your parents return. Just because you were once my sixth grade teacher does not give you the right to tell me what to do. Go to your room! Apparently it does. I don't suppose your parents have any Maalox in the house, do they? What are you watching? Uh uh it's caribou migrating and licking their babies. Where's the remote? Where's the remote? . ALL right. fun-Loving stewardess coffee. tea or bazooka sheLL? Uh coffee? No! Ooh! Why did that man just blow up her head? - Uh, it's nature. - It's human nature. A rich tapestry of exploding heads. That is cheap garbage. Wait. What are you doing? No, Mr. Feeny. our machine's kind of tricky. No! This is rated "R. " Yeah, "R" for wrecked. Now Shawn's gonna have to pay for it. - Shawn? - Hey, you rented it. George. you're not supposed to be here. What's wrong? The babysitter canceled. I'm doing my best to fill in. He killed our tape. What tape? Good move. Uh, tape? There is no tape. Did I say tape? What was I thinking? You were thinking "Good night, Shawn. " Shawn, you cannot leave me here with this tape. Heh. See how little you know me? I'm blowing Up Your Head. Part 6? From the little I saw Uh, no. No, thank you, George. I think I can figure out the subtle plot nuances. You smuggled a violent "R" -rated movie into this house? Oh, no, no, honey. Calm down. This may look like a violent film but at its heart, it's really a morality tale about an eleven-year-old boy who's in terrible, terrible, terrible trouble. Dad, it's just a tape. It's trash. I don't Want it in the house. Go to your room, Cory. For how long? Mom, I'm your son. Cory, you're dog meat. Uh, Mom, Dad. Speaking of Puppy Chow Wait a minute. You're not here. My car isn't in the driveway. You're out driving it somewhere very, very carefully, right? Uh, Dad, I hope you're in a good mood. You lose. Ahem. Uh, your car got towed away. You are the worst babysitter that ever lived. And your children are the spawn of Satan. Honey, I think you should stay calm. I am calm. Under the circumstances, I'm the Dalai stinking Lama. Eric, where is the car? It's at the impound station. I have the forty bucks to bail it out. Great, but I'll have to drive you down there So we can get it home. Actually, you both will have to drive him. Why? Because one of you is gonna have to drive Mom's car back and one of you is gonna have to drive your car back. Why? He hasn't got a driver's license. Well my work is done. I'll just leave. Tip? No? Well, then, all right. I, uh I sort of failed my driving test. But you still decided to sort of drive my car without a license. Well, you're going to get your license. And then I'm going to take it away. You are gonna be a pedestrian for life, pal. Go to your room, Eric. No, I'm not finished with him yet. I haven't started with him yet. But I want to talk with you now. Is my authority being undermined? Would I do that in front of your son? Go to your room. - No good. - What, no good? Who drives Morgan to gym class? Who drives Cory to little league? Who drives Eric on a tristate search for the perfect flannel shirt? Me. I take these kids everywhere. I help when I can. I mean Well. I want Eric to get his license. I have been waiting for this for sixteen years. So how are we supposed to punish him? Look, Eric sees driving as nothing but dates with cheerleaders open road, unlimited freedom. But I am seeing his driving as trips to the dry cleaners and the supermarket and taking his brother and sister wherever they want to go. I never should've tried to scam them. Crime doesn't pay. Violence is bad. They're gonna kill me. Cor, just be happy it was a baby scam. Mine, on the other hand, was a megascam a hyperscam, the mother of all scams. I am truly a dead man. These could be our last few precious moments together. Is there anything you want to say to me? Yeah. Here's a lovely parting gift. Ooh! - Cory - Eric Dad Mom I think you know why we're here. And I think you know why we're here. This is the sentencing phase of the proceedings. I'm the oldest. Do me first. Both of you are grounded for two weeks. Aah! Two weeks? Grounded? That's horrible! There's more. There's more. During those two weeks, you will do nothing but study the Pennsylvania Motor Vehicle handbook and you will pass your driver's test. I'll try. You'll pass. I'll pass. And what will I do for two weeks? Oh, you're going to watch TV. Cool. Educational TV, and nothing but educational TV starting right now. . The caribou marks its territory by defecating and flinging its dung. Eww!. Come on, I'll be late for gymnastics. Eric, come on. Little league starts in twenty minutes and we have to stop at the cleaners to pick up my uniform. I want to stop for frozen yogurt. And we have to pick up Shawn and we have to stop and get pizza because you're the snack mom. How shall I spend my afternoon? Should I read magazines and then soak in the tub or should I soak and then read? Soak and read, read and soak. Hi, hon. How was your day? Ahh, bliss. It's good to have a son who drives. - Little league! - Frozen yogurt! I'll drive off a bridge, I swear I will. Take your mother's car.