There's No Disgrace Like Home


 * Marge: I don't want to alarm anyone, but I think there's a little al-key-hol in this punch.


 * Mr. Burns: [Seeing a son kiss his father on the cheek] Ahh. That's the kind of family unity I like to see. Smithers, get that man's name. I predict big things for him down at the power plant.
 * Homer: Quick, Bart, give me a kiss.
 * Bart: Kiss you? But, Dad, I'm your kid!
 * Homer: Bart, please. Five bucks for a kiss.


 * Homer: I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
 * Marge: Well, maybe we should move to a larger community.
 * Homer: D'oh!


 * (The Simpsons peer through a dining room window, watching another family happily eating dinner together.)
 * Homer: Look at that, kids! No fighting, no yelling.
 * Bart: No belching.
 * Lisa: That dad has a shirt on!
 * Marge: Look, napkins!
 * Bart: These people are obviously freaks.


 * Homer: [saying grace] You're everywhere, you're omnivorous.


 * [The Simpsons watch a family converse.]
 * Boy: Papa, I think I heard some rusting in the bushes!
 * Grandfather: I did, too. Better get the gun.
 * [The boy walks into another room.]
 * Lisa: Where's he going?
 * Homer: Probably to get the old man his pipe and slippers.
 * [The grandfather cocks and fires his gun, causing the Simpsons to scream. The Simpsons runs away and continues to scream]


 * [The Simpsons approach a house. Bart and Homer are unaware that it's theirs.]
 * Bart: Whoa, look at this place! What a dump!
 * Homer: It's worse than you think. [laughs] I just trampled this poor sap's flowerbed.
 * Marge: Homer, this is our house!
 * Homer: D'augh!


 * Barney: You got crummy little kids that nobody can control.
 * Homer: You can't talk that way about my kids...or at least two of them.
 * Barney: Why? You got two I haven't met?
 * Homer: Why you! [punches Barney] Here's five you haven't met!


 * Father: You better shut your big yap!
 * Mother: No, you shut up!
 * Father: No, you shut up!
 * Mother: No, you shut up!
 * Father: Oh, shut up!
 * Mother: You shut up!
 * Father: Shut up!
 * Mother: Shut up!
 * Son: Why don't you both shut up?!


 * Homer: The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!


 * [Homer flaunts his $250 to the receptionist]
 * Bart: If you really wanna impress her, show her the big, empty space where our TV used to be.
 * Homer: Bart!


 * Dr. Monroe: Hello, I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe. No doubt you'll recognize me from TV.
 * Lisa: We would if we had one.
 * Homer: Lisa!


 * Dr. Monroe: [to Homer] If you had been paying attention, perhaps you would have noticed that your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure, an ogre, if you will.
 * Marge: Now, doctor, that's not true.
 * Lisa: Ogre is such a strong word.
 * Bart: Right on, doc! Another successful diagnosis!
 * Homer: [preparing to strike Bart with a lamp] That does it!


 * [After Bart shocks Homer, Homer does so to him, and Bart then shocks Lisa.]
 * Marge: Bart, how could you shock your little sister?
 * Bart: My finger slipped. [gets shocked by Lisa]
 * Lisa: So did mine!
 * [Bart shocks Lisa again, and she retaliates.]
 * Marge: Bart, Lisa, stop that! [She electrocutes them both, and the five begin shocking each other as Dr. Monroe tries fruitlessly to intervene. Soon, the constant electrocutions cause rolling blackouts all over town.]
 * Smithers: Oh boy, someone's really gobbling up the juice, sir.
 * Mr. Burns: Excellent, excellent! Perhaps this energy conservation fad is as dead as the dodo.


 * Mr. Burns: This must be, uh, Brat.
 * Bart: Bart.
 * Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat.


 * Dr. Monroe: You want to kill each other. That's good; that's healthy.