Road to the Multiverse


 * Carnival Barker: Step right up, step right up! You won't believe your eyes. Step right up and see the amazing half man, half clam.
 * Peter: [Coming out of the tent] What a rip-off, it's just Kim Cattrall sitting Indian style.


 * [At the milk bottle game booth]
 * Lois: Boy, they got some unusual prizes at the carnival this year.
 * [Chris wins the milk bottle game]
 * Carnival Worker: A winner! Congratulation, son, you won a genuine living homosexual.
 * Male Homosexual: Ooh, where are we going. Wait don't tell me.
 * Chris: Oh, boy. Mom can I keep him?
 * Lois: Well it's a big responsibility, Chris. That means you have to clean up after him and feed him.
 * Chris: What do you eat?
 * Male Homosexual: Attention.
 * Chris: I like your hair.
 * Male Homosexual: Still hungry.
 * Chris: You have a beautiful speaking voice.
 * Male Homosexual: I'm full.


 * [Adam West at "Guess your Weight" booth]
 * Carny: Let's see. I guess 185 lbs.
 * [Adam steps on the scale and comes out 15 lbs]
 * Adam West: Wrong. I'm 95% helium.


 * Stewie: Brian, look what I won.
 * Brian: Wow, what you win that for?
 * Stewie: For having the best pig in the competition.
 * Brian: Wait you bred a pig?
 * Stewie: Sure did. Most genetically perfect one in the contest.
 * [Zooms out to show Stewie's pig]
 * Mutated Pig: Oink!
 * Brian: Oh my God!
 * Stewie: Yes, he's something isn't he?
 * Brian: Are those fists?!
 * Stewie: Damn right!


 * Stewie: You ever heard of the multiverse theory, Brian.
 * Brian: Of course I have. But I'm wondering if you have.
 * Stewie: Oh my god, so transparent. The theory states that there are an infinite amount of universes coexisted with ours on parallel dimensional planes.
 * Brian: The dimensional planes, right.
 * Stewie: Oh, don't do that. Don't...don't repeat the last two words like you already kinda knew what I was talking about. You have no idea what I'm talking about.


 * Stewie: What time do you suppose it is, Brian?
 * Brian: I don't know, about 3:30 ?
 * Stewie: Watch the sidewalk.
 * [Brian looks over to the other side of the street to see a sexy version of Meg walking down the road]
 * Brian: My God, is that... Meg?
 * Stewie: 36 D Brian. And you know what's amazing? In this world she's still one of the ugly ones. If you saw Lois, you'd have to put your penis in a wheelchair.


 * Quagmire: [leaving a woman's house] Thanks honey, say hi to your husband. [a device on his belt beeps] Oh, I've got AIDS again, better take my NyQuil Cold, Flu and AIDS. [he takes the pills] All gone!


 * RockPeter: Yabba-Dabba-hehehehehehe
 * RockLois: RockPeter... [canned laughter]
 * RockPeter: Yes RockLois?
 * RockLois: That was wonderful rocksex we had last rocknight. [canned laughter]
 * RockPeter: Yes, I enjoyed rocking you up the rock last night. [canned laughter]
 * RockLois: I know; I'm glad you wore that rock ring. [canned laughter]
 * RockPeter: But we still always wear a "rockphilactic".
 * RockFrog: I'm "ribbited" for your pleasure. [drawn out musical cue]
 * Stewie: Hey Brian; Want to get the "rock" out of here?
 * Brian: "Rock" yeah.


 * [In Japanese universe]
 * Stewie: According to the multiverse guide, this is a universe where the United States never dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. So the Japanese just didn't quit.
 * [Speaking in Japanese]
 * Japanese Peter: Meg, you ugly and dishonorable.
 * Japanese Meg: I make obedience to father wish.
 * [Meg commits suicide]
 * Japanese Peter: I fart now. [He stands up and farts on Meg's corpse]
 * Japanese Chris Now I laugh because he fart. Ha ha ha ha! Now I done with laugh.
 * Japanese Quagmire: [entering the Griffins house] Hello, I like many sex. Goodbye.
 * [Japanese Brian and Stewie approach each other and bow]
 * Japanese Stewie: I no like you, but I like you!
 * Japanese Brian: I no like you, but I like you, too!
 * Japanese Lois: [coming in with sushi for Peter] I honor your penis by bringing it food.
 * Japanese Peter: My penis hungry two hour ago! [He punches Lois and she leaves giggling]
 * Brian: Well, I think I've seen enough.


 * Tom Tucker: [optimistic head] The President's dog had puppies!
 * Tom Tucker: [pessimistic head] There was a plane crash.


 * Brian: What the hell! What happened to us?
 * Stewie: I don't know. But suddenly I feel all [hugging himself] sweet and warm and fuzzy. [Looking at his remote] It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney.
 * Brian: Look, there's our house.
 * [They run to the house]
 * Stewie: [laughing] Look how gaily we run.


 * [In Disney universe]
 * Stewie: This is wonderful, Brian. Oh, let's live in this universe.
 * Brian: [getting coffee from Joe the coffee kettle] Gosh, it's pretty intoxicating, isn't it?


 * [In Disney universe]
 * Stewie: Brian, we could spend the rest of our lives here. It's perfect.
 * Brian: Sounds good to me. Doesn't seem a thing wrong with this place.
 * Disney Mort: [entering the house] Hello everybody.
 * All the Disney characters: Jew!
 * [Disney Meg grabs Disney Mort with her tentacle and pulls him closer]
 * Disney Mort: Aaaaaaah!
 * [They all start beating him up]
 * Stewie: Oh yeah I forgot. This is a "Disney" universe. Oh, but look how shiny my buttons are here.
 * Brian: Just push the...
 * Stewie: Yeah, yeah, I'll push the thing.


 * [In the "Robot Chicken" universe]
 * Brian: Whoa!! This is trippy.
 * Stewie: I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe.
 * Peter: Will you guys move!? You're blockin' the TV!
 * Chris: Look!!
 * [action figures of a ThunderCat, GI Joe, He-Man, and a Transformer walk into the room]
 * Chris: GI Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man!! Yay! Those shows existed!!
 * Stewie: How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds?
 * Chris: Fuck you!
 * Stewie:: Bye.


 * Stewie: Oh, God, this place looks terrible.
 * Brian: Yeah, it's like Quahog was vaporized or something.
 * Stewie: [looking at the multiverse guide] It says that in this universe, Frank Sinatra was never born and never used his influence to get Kennedy elected. So Nixon won the 1960 election but totally botched the Cuban Missile Crisis causing World War III.
 * Brian: So I guess Lee Harvey Oswald never shot Kennedy.
 * Stewie: Nope, he shot Mayor McCheese.
 * [a cutaway shows Mayor McCheese and Jacqueline Kennedy in a car and two gunshots fired at his head while Jackie looks in shock and finally eats the remains]
 * Brian: That joke's not in bad taste, right?
 * Stewie: Aw, who cares? He's a cheeseburger.


 * [Stewie and Brian arrive in some sort of blocky universe]
 * Brian: Ew. Where are we?
 * Stewie: I don't know, the device can't make heads or tails of it. It's just some sort of weird, low-resolution, blocky universe.
 * Blocky Peter: Lois! Where is my supper?!
 * Blocky Lois: Still in the oven!
 * Blocky Peter: Will I have it soon?!
 * Blocky Lois: Quite soon!
 * Blocky Peter: Thank you!
 * Blocky Lois: You're Welcome!
 * Blocky Peter: Nyah!
 * Blocky Lois: Nyah!
 * Blocky Peter: Nyah!
 * Blocky Lois: Nyah!
 * Blocky Chris: Nyah!
 * Blocky Meg: Nyah!
 * Blocky Stewie: Nyah!
 * Blocky Brian: Nyah!
 * Stewie: I'm Frightened.
 * Brian: Let's Go.


 * [Stewie and Brian in the Washington Post Political Cartoon Universe]
 * Stewie: Oh God lets go quick. Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a democracy umbrella.
 * Brian: [Laughs] Yes! Ohoho, that oughta wake people up!
 * Stewie: [Pause] Shut the fuck up.


 * [Brian and Stewie are transported to a universe filled with red fire hydrants]
 * Brian: Love it!
 * Stewie: Hate it.
 * [They transport to another universe, filled with a bunch of a strong, nearly naked men]
 * Stewie: Love it!
 * Brian: Hate it!


 * Stewie as a real life infant: Uh, Brian? This feels weird.
 * Brian as a real life dog: Hit the button.


 * [Stewie transports both him and Brian to a seemingly empty universe]
 * Brian: Oh my God now we're nowhere!
 * Stewie: [Reading the display on his remote control] Not quite Brian. This is a universe, but its only inhabitant is one really far away guy who yells compliments.
 * [(Both turn around to a figure, barely visible in the distance]
 * Man in the Distance: [Waving] I like your shirt!
 * Stewie: [Waving back] Thank you! [To Brian] This was nice.


 * [in dog universe]
 * Stewie: Oh. You like role reversal? Huh, okay. [Stewie walks off-screen]
 * Brian: Wait, what are you [Stewie poops off-screen]...oh, oh, come on.
 * Stewies: [walking back on-screen] Pick up my poop. Pick up my poop!
 * Brian: I'm not picking up your poop.
 * Police Dog: Hey you, pick up that poop!
 * Stewie: You heard him Brian. Pick up my poop.
 * [Brian walks to the poop]
 * Stewie: Go on, pick it up. Do it! Pick up my poop!
 * Brian: I need a plastic bag.
 * Stewie: Here's a thin napkin.


 * Brian: Okay, I'm a new neighbor, and you're my pet human, Hotchkis, got it?
 * Stewie: [stammers] I'm not so crazy about "Hotchkis" anymore.
 * Brian: What do you mean? You came up with Hotchkis.
 * Stewie: Eh, I know, but how about Axel or Maximillian or Dex? You know, it's gotta have an "x" in it 'cause that means I have cool parents who take me on expensive ski trips on spring break and I get to drink wine with dinner even though I'm only 14 and...
 * [Brian rings the doorbell]
 * Dog Peter: [speaking rapidly while scampering to the door] Oh-my-god-I-know-that-sound-it-means-theres-a-potential-intruder-at-the-front-door-or-one-of-my-pals-either-way-im-excited-and-ready-for-anything!! [opens the door] Hello!
 * Stewie: Heh.
 * Brian: Hello, my name is Blake Carrington.
 * Stewie: Aw.
 * Brian: And this is my human, Gabe.
 * Stewie: Aw no, what?!


 * Dog Peter: This is my family: My wife Lois, my son Chris ... Chris stop licking yourself and come up and say hi! My daughter Meg, our puppy Stewie, and this is our human Brian.
 * Human Brian: Nice to meet you!
 * Stewie Prime: Say hi to Human Brian, Blake, sez Gabe.
 * Brian Prime: [disturbed that he has a human counterpart] Hi.


 * Dog Stewie: Mommy. I want to play with the new human.
 * Dog Lois: Only if it's okay with Blake.
 * Brian Prime: Ah. Yeah sure, it's fine. Gabe is great with puppies.
 * Stewie Prime: [angrily to Brian] I swear to God. I hope the next Universe we go to is all Koreans.


 * Dog Stewie: I know who you are, Stewie.
 * Stewie Prime I beg your pardon?
 * Dog Stewie: I've perfected multiverse travel as well. In fact I figured out how to navigate with absolute precision.
 * Stewie Prime: Really? I haven't. We've been jumping randomly from one universe to the next!
 * Dog Stewie: Did you have the shuffle button on?
 * Stewie Prime: Oh... my... God!


 * Dog Tom Tucker: Coming up: That bush in the park is my bush! It's my bush!


 * [Stewie, Brian, and Human Brian being transported back to the original universe in Stewie's room]
 * Stewie: Well, this looks like home.
 * Brian: Is there any way to be sure?
 * Stewie: Hmm.
 * [Stewie and Brian look out the room and sees Meg outside Peter's and Lois's room]
 * Meg: Mom, have you seen my Trapper Keeper?
 * [Peter comes out, grabs Meg's head and farts in her face then runs back in the room laughing]
 * Stewie and Brian: Yeah, we're home.


 * Stewie: Well now, what do we do with this guy? We got two Brians in this universe now.
 * Human Brian: Don't worry I don't plan on staying in Quahog. I'm gonna go out in the world and see what I can make out of myself. I can be somebody here.
 * Stewie: And it should be easy for you. Because...I mean, what luck you're white. You have no idea how big that is here.


 * Human Brian: Goodbye, Stewie. Goodbye, Brian. Maybe our paths will cross again someday.
 * Stewie: Look at him go. Free in a world of his own kind where he can finally reach the full potential... [an incoming car hits Human Brian] Oh my God! He got hit by a car!