Gopher Bash

Gopher Bash

Submitted by Fungiman

(The scene opens in a dirt field.)

Luigi: Look! What do you think, guys?

Mario: Uh… the field’s fine, but I don’t think the cave people are wild of being farmers! Especially what they have to do when they’re hungry is reach out and grab some berries!

Yoshi: Gasp! Yum, yum, yum! Good idea!

(Yoshi eats some berries.)

Princess: Mario! If Luigi thinks he can teach the cave people farming, let him try!

Luigi: Sure! They’re going to love it! Right, guys?

(The cave people don’t say anything)

Luigi: Right! First, we learn how to plow!

(Later…)

Luigi: All you got to do is make a straight line! Go Yoshi! It’s a cinch!

(Yoshi starts to move forward, then sees a berry.)

Yoshi: Ooh!

(Yoshi runs fast after the berry, but the berry keeps on bouncing away.)

Luigi: Wah! Oof!

(While Yoshi chases the berry, a cloud of dirt appears and makes Mario and the princess cough. After Yoshi stops running, a drawing of Yoshi is seen in the farming area.)

Luigi: Hey! You see? There’s nothing to it!

(Meanwhile, Cheatsy and Koopa are spying on Luigi and friends.)

Cheatsy: This is badder than bad, Dad! This is baddest!

Koopa: If those cave cretins succeeded in growing their own food, I’ll never be able to steal the crops!

Cheatsy: Unless, old wicked reptile ruthlessness, what if we stole all the crops?

Koopa: We can start our own business! The cave people'll have to come to me for food! It’s brilliant! Glad I thought of it! I’ll leave the details in good claws! If those cave loaches get anything growing, I’m counting on you to plantnap them.

Cheatsy: I will be ever vigilant, old relentlessly fiendishness!

(Back to Luigi and the cave people...)

Luigi: Hey! Planting is simple! It’s just putting things in the ground.

(Luigi tries to put some seeds in the ground, but Yoshi eats them.)

Luigi: Assuming it gets to the ground…

(Luigi puts a new batch of seeds in the ground.)

Luigi: You guys [cave people] can put things in the ground, can’t ya?

Cave People: Oonga boonga!

(A caveman puts another caveman in a hole and buries him, a cavewoman tries to bury a tree, and a third caveman digs a hole, gets on a tree, and shakes all the apples on it into the hole.

Luigi: Maybe this isn’t going to be easy!

(Meanwhile, Cheatsy is looking on.)

Cheatsy: Rats! If they can’t grow crops, I’ll have nothing to steal!

(Later, Luigi sprinkles some water into the soil.)

Luigi: There’s no way to get this wrong, right guys?

Cave People: Oonga boonga!

Luigi: Now, go get some water!

(The cave people struggle to pull a well out of the ground. By the time they pull it out, all the water spills out, causing a flood.)

Luigi: Oh no! Run for your life, Yoshi!

Yoshi: Grubba da dubba! I hate water!

(The water continues to spill.)

Luigi and Yoshi: WAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

(Luigi and Yoshi get caught in the water. Meanwhile, Cheatsy enjoys the show)

Cheatsy: Well, I think those dodo are still working for MOI!

(Mario comes to Luigi and pulls him out of the soil.)

Mario: So, how’s the farming going, guys?

Luigi: Uh-uh-uh, perfect!

(Yoshi comes out of the soil.)

Yoshi: Ugh ugh!

Mario: Well, it looks like a washout to me!

Luigi: Hey, big brother! When that crop is in, you’re going to eat those words!

(Later, the farming is a success.)

Luigi: As well as some good vegetables, I can taste it already! Cake carrots! Stone squash! Pebble peas!

Mario: Hmm… Well, Mom always said, you were good at growing!

Luigi: Yeah, that’s why I’m the tall one, little big brother!

(Later at night, Cheatsy and some Monty Moles are underground.)

Cheatsy: At last! My time has come! Let’s show those plumbers how much pull we have, boys!

(The Monty Moles start to pull down all the roots of the crops.)

Cheatsy: Aww, how mean of us to take away all their food!

(The Monty Moles laugh hysterically.)

Cheatsy: So, we’ll leave them a little surprise and see who’s going to be dinner!

(Cheatsy and his Mole troops laugh hysterically.)

(The next day...)

Luigi: Hey! Someone pilfered the produce!

Mario: Hey! Luigi! I think I see something down there! I got it!

(Mario pulls out a Piranha Plant.)

Mario: YOOOHH!! Wahwl!

Luigi: No Piranha Plant is going to munch Mario!

(Luigi tries to bonk the Piranha Plant with his mower, but the Piranha Plant eats it.)

Yoshi: I save you!

(Yoshi eats the Piranha Plant. )

Luigi: Mario, I heard of weed killers, but killer weeds?!

(A bunch of Piranha Plants come out from the whole field)

Mario: RUN that way!

(Mario and co. go to the left, but four Piranha Plants block their way)

Mario: No! That way!

(Mario and co. go north, but more Piranha Plants block their way, and eventually they are trapped.)

Luigi: Mario, we ran out of ways!

Mario: Yeah, Luigi! The only way we can go is in trouble!

Luigi: Mario! We’re plant food!

(Meanwhile underground, Cheatsy is pulling the Piranha Plants’ roots to make them move.)

Cheatsy: Move them in!

(Monty Moles do the same thing as Cheatsy. The Piranha Plants are coming to Mario and Luigi.)

Mario Bros.: Yow!

Luigi: Just my luck! Yoshi’s hungry!

Yoshi: Aw, Famma famma shigga! Me hungrier!

(Yoshi eats a Piranha Plant.)

Yoshi: Hmm, cream caw!

(Yoshi eats another one.)

Yoshi: Oh, yum! Haha! Salsa!

(Yoshi eats the rest of the Piranha Plants.)

Luigi: Go Yoshi! Smoke it up!

(Underground, Cheatsy and crew are shocked to see the Plants being eaten.)

Cheatsy: What’s happening up there?

(Yoshi spots the last Piranha Plant.)

Yoshi: Ah!

(The Piranha Plant is scared. A Monty Mole tries to stop Yoshi by pulling the Piranha Plant’s root, but he gets pulled up and stuck in the soil when Yoshi pulls on the Plant)

Cheatsy: Don’t just help him! Stand there!

(The Monty Moles stay still.)

Cheatsy: Get him out! Now!

(The Monty Moles help the helpless Mole while Yoshi struggles to eat the Plant. Cheatsy jumps to help. Yoshi almost loses his grip on the Plant.)

Yoshi: This mean war!

(Yoshi, with all his might, pulls the Moles and Cheatsy through the ground and onto the field.

Cheatsy: AAHHHHHH!!!

Mario: Cheatsy Koopa! You plant pilfering pest!

Cheatsy: Listen to me, you pathetic peabrained problem producing plumbers! You’ll never see your crops again!

Mario: Well, that’s what you think, Cheatskate!

(The Monty Moles jump in a hole to escape.)

Cheatsy: The only way you guys can eat, is by shopping at the Koopa-Mart! So long, suckers!

(Cheatsy escapes and the Mario Bros. jump in to get him.)

Luigi: Hey! Where'd they go?

(Yoshi finds a warp pipe.)

Yoshi: We go this way!

Luigi: It’s time for our Gopher Bash!

Mario: Um, wait Luigi! The cave people can go back to picking berries!

Luigi: *sigh* No they can’t! Mario, I was so sure that we will plant those crops that I told the cave people they don’t have to save berries anymore! And they didn’t! They don’t have any food stored for the winter.

(Luigi starts to cry pitifully).

Luigi: And it’s all my fault!

(Yoshi licks Luigi to comfort him.)

Yoshi: Aww, no cry Luigi! We help!

Mario: We’re going to get those crops back! And no creepy Koopa is going to louse up Luigi! One for all!

Yoshi: And all for dinner!

(All three jumps in a warp pipe. They fall like stones. Fortunately, a P Balloon touches Mario, making him float. Mario grabs Luigi and Yoshi. The three land.)

Luigi: Phew! That was close!

Mario: Shh! I hear voices!

Cheatsy: Good work, buck-toothed battalion! In fact, better than good! This is splendid! The cave people have to buy the crops back from me! Or go hungry! Oh, Cheatsy! Is there anyone more despicable than you?

Mario, Luigi, and Yoshi: No!

(Cheatsy and the Monty Moles start to sing a hilarious song, The Cheatsy's Life.)

Oh King Koopa's the Champion of real mischief Oh but there’s a lot of evil to be done He smiles and says Cheatsy will just do it And Cheatsy’s life will become more fun fun fun! Oh when there’s lotsa lotsa of evil to be done (To be done!) Then Cheatsy’s life will become lotsa fun (Lotsa fun!)

And if you want to cheat your family of mortgage, And if you want a Grandma on the bridge Then I’m the one that has a plan; I know how to do it. Cheatsy has an army that can’t be weak Oh when there’s lotsa lotsa of evil to be done (To be done!) Then Cheatsy’s life will become a happy one (happy one!)

You see the idea is to take someone’s savings And if you want to see a little boy’s last dime Then I’m the one that you should be calling I’ll take the job no matter what the crime! If there’s something really evil to be done (To be done!) Then Cheatsy’s life will become a worth for one (Worth for one!) THAT’S CHEAT-SY’S LIFE!!!

(While the song is playing, Cheatsy goes on his throne and groups of Monty Moles sing like sopranos. Cheatsy kicks a Monty Mole into a bag of veggies. Mario and Luigi drag some Monty Moles away. Then, the Mario Bros. and Yoshi kidnap some more Moles. A Monty Mole gives Cheatsy a piggy bank and Cheatsy breaks it, only finding a quarter. The Monty Mole looks into a purse and finds nothing in it. Then Luigi drags away the Monty Mole, along with the remaining Moles. Mario, Luigi, and Yoshi sing the last three lines of the song. Cheatsy looks back and sees the Mario Bros. His eyes expand almost to two feet and he sticks his tongue out because he is shocked to see that the Mario Bros. followed him to his lair.)


 * picture**

Mario: Okay, Luigi! Lighten your load!

Luigi: My pleasure, Mario!

(A bundle of captured Monty Moles fall on Cheatsy, squishing him.)

(Mario and the gang take the vegetables to a warp pipe.)

Mario: Well, Luigi. We’re bringing home the bacon!

Luigi: Not to mention Cave Cabbage, Stone Squash, and Pebble Peas!

(Cheatsy struggles to get out from under the Monty Moles’ heavy bodies but is stuck.)

Cheatsy: I hate those plumbers!

(Later at the farming area...)

Luigi: We rescued the crops, friends, and here they are!

(Luigi opens the bag only to find out Yoshi ate them all.)

Luigi: Yoshi! Oh no! We have to plant everything all over again! Well, since you ate the whole thing, you can do the hoe thing!

(Yoshi picks up a hoe and burps. Mario and friends start to laugh.)

The End