Frapp Attack!

And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show. Original Air Date on April 1, 2012 All around me are familiar faces Worn-out places Worn-out faces Bright and early for the daily races Going nowhere Going nowhere Their tears are filling up their glasses No expression No expression Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow No tomorrow No tomorrow And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take When people run in circles it's a very, very Mad world Mad world Ah, my nipply wipply! Smooth move, Mustache. I'm Tori. This is my first day. Cleveland. This is my 856th day at this lifeless tomb of a workplace. Not anymore. Tori brought doughnuts. What? No way! Doughnuts?! Yeah, but Tim ate them all. Now, he's in a coma. We don't know what's gonna happen. Oh, no. I would've loved to have had a doughnut. All around me are familiar Well, maybe my little make-your-own-pizza bar will put some pep in your pepperoni. What? No way. Make your own pizza?! Tori, you are officially the funnest person at Waterman Cable. Sorry, Wacky Greg. Ah, it was a good run. Wacky Greg. You think in 20 years we're gonna find out we can't have kids because laptops are zapping our nards? Probably. Click on the one that says "Racist Duck. " Black! Black, black! Blaaaack! I'm gonna kill you, duck! Click on that next one, "Black Guy Drowns Trying to Kill Duck. " Wow, these things got millions of hits. I could get twice that many views if I had a camera that didn't just squirt water. You need a camera? Here's my phone, here's a flip. There's a camera on this computer. There's even one in that teddy bear on the shelf, because I don't trust Larry's nanny. What are you doing? I made dinner. Yuck. Tori set up a pizza bar for lunch. I told you about Tori, right? New woman at work, awesome. She sounds like some sad woman with no life outside the office to me. Sad? She's the opposite of sad. She's super cool and fun, and cute, and attractive, and hot. Well, I'm off to the Stool. Donna, please wash out this Tupperware so I can return it to Tori. Cleveland, I don't even wash my Tupperware, I'm not gonna wash somebody else's. That's why your Tupperware is used as a holding cell for cockroaches I'm too scared to kill. Pay up, suckers. Will you accept a book of stamps? It's currency. Why don't you just keep it and I'll buy you a beer, you broke-ass hillbilly? Yeah, yeah. Wow, Tori. You're humorous. I love when girls show up to the bar unannounced. Donna! I hate when girls show up to the bar unannounced. Hey, Big Mamma. Whatcha doing? You told me to pick you up. But I'm having fun. Come back in a hour. Tori, what do you think, a hour? And who is this apple bottom you could bounce a quarter off of? You saw that? It's a legitimate game. Donna, this is my best friend, Tori. Tori, my wife, Donna. Donna, it's so great to meet you! I love working with your husband. He had me cracking up today. Why, because I farted that one network's chimes? Here, listen to this, Donna. Uh, almost. Isn't that hilarious? Yeah, well, it's not as funny when it happens against your leg in the middle of the night. Cleveland, can I speak to you for a moment? Why didn't you tell me that she would be here? I didn't know she was coming. Why? Oh. Donna Lou Retton Tubbs-Brown, you are jealous. - I'm not jealous, I'm just - Yes, you are. You're jealous of my best friend, Tori. Cleveland, men and women can't be friends. What?! I'm surprised at you, Donna. Unlike you, I don't see gender, age, or race. I would expect a middle-aged, black woman to understand that. Well, understand this. I do not want you spending time with that woman outside of work. Now, we're going home. Fine. Just let me get my things. I wanted to show Tori my things. Cleveland! My eye! Oh, thank God. Frapp Friday? We're starting a new tradition. We're all gonna get coffee frapps across the street. Oh, I think I love coffee frapps! But Donna says I can't spend time with Tori outside the office. Or did she say outside of work? Which would be slightly different. Although, I did completely understand what she meant. Frapp Friday! Mmm. I can't believe this only has 4,000 calories. What are calories? Vitamin C? Oh, look at the time. Race you back to the office. That's my shirt, you rascal. No rules on Frapp Friday. Frapp you, Tori. My Frapp. You want it? - Y-You want it? - I do. I want my frapp. Give it, give it, give it. Cleveland, get your ass off the grass! Donna. What were you thinking? We were just at work and it was so boring and humdrum, and Tori said we should get frapps because it was Frapp Friday, which is a Friday when you get frapps. Ain't nothing but something to drink. Ah, frapp attack! You frapped me! She frapped me! I got frapp in my 'stache. Ow! My bottom. Cleveland, would you sign this release? Oh, yes, surely. So, still mad? You promised me you wouldn't see Tori outside of work. You lied to me. You know who's cute when she's mad? Tor you. Check out our video. Cleveland, you're about to be quoted by every bored cubicle slob in America. We were just at work, and it was so boring and humdrum. Humdrum, humdrum Humdrum, humdrum, h-h-h-h-humdrum Tori said we should get frapps, it was Frapp Friday Which is a Friday when you get frapps Frapp Friday, Frapp Friday Hey, hey Ain't nothing but something to drink Cleveland, get your ass off the grass Ass off the grass Ah, frapp attack You frapped me, she frapped me I got frapp in my 'stache Hey Frapp attack, frapp-frapp attack Hey Frapp attack, frapp-frapp attack Ah, frapp attack You frapped me, she frapped me I got frapp in my 'stache In my 'stache Frapp attack, frapp-frapp attack Frapp attack, frapp-frapp attack Hey Frapp my bottom, frapp, frapp my bottom Frapp my bottom, frapp, frapp, my bottom Ah, frapp attack You frapped me, she frapped me I got frapp in my 'stache In my 'stache Frapp attack, frapp-frapp attack Shorty Frapp attack Frap, frapp attack Ain't nothing but something to drink Ow, my bottom! It's gotten 520,000 views in 20 minutes. Oh, why couldn't this have been on the Fox homepage? Then no one would've seen it. Are you kidding? We're gonna be famous. Oh, great. So 500,000 strangers have seen you frapping it up with some girl who isn't your wife! Wow. I misread the room. "Frapp Attack" is up to five million views! You're viral, man. Well, then, so is your mother. Cleveland, there's someone here to see you! Oh, my God! Are you the grocery cart police? I don't want no trouble. They're in the back. Cleveland, you dumbass. That's Willy Nilly, the biggest hip-hop producer in the world. I saw "Frapp Attack" on the Internet and came here to sign you. You're going to be huge. All right. I'm intrigued. Let's hear your pitch. I'm going to take you to Hollywood to perform "Frapp Attack" with me at the Kids' Choice Awards and turn you into a star. Mm-hmm. Interesting. But I am fielding other offers. What do you got, Coach K? I've got a huge nose and no lips, but I can offer you a quality education and a chance to play basketball at Duke University. You're a straight shooter, Coach K. That's not lost on me. But for my music career, I should probably go with the music guy. I'm in. What about you, Chocolate Thunder? I'd rather hit myself in the head with a mallet than go to Duke. Plus, my sport is bird-watching. There they are. Hell, no! If you can't behave yourself at work, I'm not letting you go halfway around the globe to Hollywood. But, Donna, don't you see? This is exactly what my humdrum life is missing. Cleveland, Willy Nilly is a terrible influence. He's all about the clubs and partying, throwing cash at the ladies' butts, leaving lights on when he's not in the room. Willy Nilly is a lovely man. Plus, America wants me. I'm a motherfrappin' hit-maker! You had nothing to do with that song. Rallo and Junior did it with their computer machine. They're making fun of you, Cleveland. You're not a singer. I'll sing at your funeral. Get your pink ass off my car! "Please turn around. " Cleveland told me you got a problem with him coming out to L. A. with me. I promised him I would talk to you. You can quiet your dapper yapper. I'm not letting Cleveland go anywhere with you. Look, I think you got the wrong idea about me. Just 'cause I got a song called "Party Till Your Boobs Fall Off" doesn't mean I'm some kind of boob-loving party guy. Mm-hmm. I'm more of a boob-loving homebody. Look, just give me five minutes of your time. I'll give you four hours. I got nothing going on. Moms are never as busy as we say we are. And we'll be in L. A. over a Sunday, so I'll make sure Cleveland goes to church. What, one of those Hollywood alien churches Tom Cruise goes to? I'm not having my Cleveland come home all toothy and laughing too hard for no reason. Cleveland is a real person, and I want to keep him that way. Well, show me what real people do, then. Please, I want to know. Well, for starters, we drive our own cars and pump our own gas. Oh, so it goes in there. So we going to make a baby car? Oh, Nilly, you silly. Hi, Donna. Hi, Donna. Donna, hi. Weird. Your paparazzi don't have cameras. They're not paparazzi. - Oh, they're your managers. - No. They want you to produce their demo? No. Drug dealers. Two of them. But that's not why they were being friendly. That's just how people are in a small town. That's kind of nice. You know, I'm starting to think maybe I don't need my big, fancy limo or my bodyguard or my monkey butler. You are free to go, Cadbury. Hello there, friendly fella. I'm onto you, Willy. I don't think that flashy lifestyle is who you really are. Maybe you won't be such a bad influence on Cleveland. I told you. Hey, do you think we could go catch some fireflies in a jar? Now, it's important you learn the distinction between small-town life and country-ass. You did it! Donna says I can go. Go? Oh, right, L. A. Yeah, I'm not doing that anymore. I'm going to stay in Stoolbend. What? Why? The thing is, I want your life. And I want your wife. Oh, we're rapping? Go again, but leave my wife out of it. - Boundaries. - Let me be clear. I'm in love with your wife, and I'm taking her. Oh? - To the airport! - No! No! Hey, buddy, would you mind taking a picture of me back here? Nice. New profile photo. No! Four of hearts. Four of hearts. Let's see. Do I have a black five? Can a red four go on a red five? Eh, no one's watching. Cleveland, where have you been? Willy's driver insisted on taking me all the way to the airport. Where is he? He left after lunch. I taught him how to make sloppy joes. Donna, that man is in love with you! We're just friends, Cleveland. Like you and Tori. There's nothing to worry about. Now, there's leftovers in the fridge if you want Willy's sloppy seconds. Ow! Did you get it? I had it turned the wrong way. All right, we going again. Gonna party till your boobs fall off Party, party till your boobs fall off Oh, that guy's a jerk, but he sure can write a hook. Great Scott! Hey, Cleveland. Willy Nilly bought my house. Renting my room back. Cheaper than what my mom was charging me. I guess that explains the paint job. That ain't paint. That's real tiger fur. Now I'm thinking about Tiger Woods. Sad. Ah, screw him. What do you think, Donna? Cutting my own grass. You're getting there. I made you some lemonade, Willy. You look hot. Thanks, Dee. Let me just take a quick shower and we can go antiquing. You know, most people don't appreciate things that are a little older, but I think they get more beautiful with age. I do not want you hanging out with him, Donna. We're friends. Well, if you've got plans with your plutonic friend, then I can go hang out with mine. Maybe Tori and I will go antiquing. What is antiquing? Could you tell the DJ that I asked to hear "Jack and Diane" three hours ago, which was three hours past my bedtime? Excuse me. Pardon me. My Goldschlagers! Why don't we just sit down and order? It costs $2,000 to sit. Right. I'll get another round and be back in an hour and a half. Great. After this, we're meeting my boyfriend and his funny Serbian friends at a darker, more crowded place. Cool. That sounds terrible. Okay, if I fall asleep right now, I can get 40 minutes of sleep. My life. My life sucks. That's it. My life sucks. Hey, Willy Nilly! You want my wife? You want my life? Well, you can have them! I'll take your kindling wood! Cleveland, what has gotten into you? What the hell, man? You say you want my life? Well, you can't just pick and choose the parts you like. It feels like broken glass. What is this? And it gets stinky if you sweat. And these babies are a couple squirters. This is how I start every day. Hammer time! Whoa! Why are they even awake? They're always awake! Now, let's grab a cup of cold coffee, spill half of it on our pants and head to work. Smells like something died down here. It's your dreams. And a dead dog. And a dead cat. And a live skunk. Run along, Stinky. Don't nobody want no smelly trouble. Wait. I've already been here before. You have to come to the mini-mart all the time. The wife called when you were a block away from home. You're out of eggs. You're always out of eggs, because Donna eats And God help you if you don't go to one of her amateur strong-woman competitions. That sounds horrible! There's more! Now, after you've worked a hard day, it's time for dinner-- one of four dishes your wife makes. I hope you like tilapia, 'cause that's two of them. Stop! I can't take any more. I don't want your life. Your life is monotonous and depressing. That's all I wanted to hear. I guess I was just romancing what small-town life was. But you got a hot wife. I might just take her with me. Sure. Let's go tell her together. Hey, Donna. Hey, baby. Just doing a little trimming over here! A'ight. I'm out. Oh, is Willy leaving town? No, he's staying. Really? No! He left. Fool couldn't take the Stool. Rapping. You were right, Donna. Men and women ought not be friends. Aw, baby, I'm sorry you didn't get to go to California and you're stuck here with your humdrum life. You know what? I love my humdrum life. It's not fancy, it's not glitzy, it's not glossary, but nor are I. I love you, Loretta Tori Donna. Oh, Cleveland. Let's eat. Junior, defrost the Arby's! What's the occasion? Life. Not even filming it.