Team America: World Police

Oh, hello.

Jean Francois?

Jean Francois?

Jean Francois.

You in the robes. Put down

the weapon of mass destruction

and get on the ground.

You're under arrest.

Put down your weapons now!

Why can't they ever do this

the easy way?

World Police.

Get down on the ground!

Hey, terrorist.

Terrorize this.

All right, let's make this interesting.

You lose.

- He's getting away with the WMD!

- I got him.

Damn, I missed him.

Sarah, he's got the bomb.

You got a fix?

I got him, Carson.

He's heading for the Louvre.

Your plans are over.

- All right, Sarah.

- Yeah, all right, team!

Nothing to it.

All right.

Bonjour, everyone. Don't worry.

Everything is bon.

We stopped the terrorists.

I was doing a lot of thinking

on the ride over here.

Oh, yeah? About what?

I was thinking that I want you

to marry me.

- Don't joke about that.

- Who's joking?

Joe to Sarah. Looks like we may

need to order up a wedding cake.

- He finally popped the question?

- Lisa, you're an amazing woman.

And a damn fine cop. And I want

to spend the rest of my life with you.

Oh, Carson. Carson...

Carson!

No!

Carson.

- Feel so cold.

- You have to hang on, Carson.

Sorry, babe. Looks like this

was a one-way ticket.

No.

Lisa, you have to live on.

Find someone else who will love you.

Find someone else and be happy.

You deserve...

No!

No!

No!

Everyone has AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS

Everyone has AIDS

And so this is the end of our story

And everyone is dead from AIDS

It took from me my best friend

My only true pal

My only bright star

He died of AIDS

Well, I'm gonna march on Washington

Lead the fight

And charge the brigades

There's a hero inside of all of us

I'll make them see

Everyone has AIDS

- My father

- AIDS

- My sister

- AIDS

My uncle and my cousin

And her best friend

The gays and the straights

And the whites and the spades

Everyone has AIDS

My grandma and my dog Ole Blue

- AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

- The pope has got it and so do you

Come on, everybody

We got quilting to do

We're gonna break down

These barricades

Everyone has

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS

- Great job, Gary.

- Thanks. You too, Steve.

That was the greatest acting

I've ever seen.

I just don't know how you do it, Gary.

How do you make yourself

so somber and emotional

to make everybody cry like that?

It's not that hard, really. I just think

about the saddest moment in my life.

Man, wow. Gary is such a great guy.

Gary. Oh, no.

Help me! Help me!

Get off of me!

Get this thing off of me! Gary!

Hello, young man. Congratulations

on a terrific performance.

Oh, thank you.

I don't believe we've met, Mr...?

The name is Spottswoode.

- Well, nice to meet you.

- And you are Gary Johnston.

All-American actor who graduated

lowa University summa cum laude

with a double major in theatre

and world languages.

You've been at the top of every

acting class since you were a child.

Top-gun actor.

Hey, hold on a second,

are you from Hollywood?

I have an incredible offer for you, Gary.

If you're interested, follow me this way.

Please, Gary, step into my car.

Oh, I get it.

I'm supposed to get in your car

and let you put your finger inside me.

Then if I go down on you,

I get a movie part.

No, I just want to show

you something.

- Yeah, I'll bet you do.

- Please, Gary,

I'm not from Hollywood.

I'm not going to fuck your mouth,

and my time is extremely valuable.

- Jesus, this is a nice limo.

- Yes, it is.

Now, suck my cock.

Just kidding.

All right, just what the hell

is this about?

I hate to break this to you, Gary,

but some people out there

want you dead.

- Dead?

- They're called terrorists, Gary.

And they hate everything about you.

Why? What did I do to them?

I'm just a Broadway actor.

It's not who you are, Gary,

it's what you stand for.

And every single minute

of every single day,

the terrorists are planning

new ways to kill you

and everyone else

who lives in a free country.

The only thing standing

in their way is us.

You?

Baxter, I think we can

"valmorphanize" safely now.

Okay, a limousine that can fly.

Now I have seen everything.

Really? Have you seen a man

eat his own head?

- No.

- So then you haven't seen everything.

And neither have we.

Last week in Paris,

we caught four terrorists

with a weapon of mass destruction.

The terrorists are planning

something very big.

And just what does this have

to do with me?

Our only hope is to have somebody

act like a terrorist

who wants to help them

carry out the attack.

An actor convincing enough to make

the terrorists think he's one of them.

This is crazy. I'm an actor, not a spy.

That's all spying is: acting.

And they say you're the best.

An actor with a double major

in theatre and world languages?

Hell, you're the perfect weapon, Gary.

Look out!

Right this way,

you maverick renegade.

Welcome to Team Base.

Gary, this is Joe, all-star quarterback

from the University of Nebraska.

He's a natural-born leader.

I've heard a lot about your acting,

Mr. Johnston.

- Hope it's as good as they say it is.

- And this is Sarah,

the top empath from Berkeley's

School for the Clairvoyant

in San Francisco.

I sense that you're slightly

confused right now.

That's supposed to be Carson's

replacement, a fucking actor?

Don't mind Chris.

He may be lacking courtesy,

but he's the best martial-arts expert

Detroit has to offer.

That's right, actor.

Just stay the fuck away from me.

And finally, we have our

psychology expert. Where's Lisa?

Right here.

Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes

in how the terrorists think.

Usually a case of malignant narcissism

brought on during childhood.

We've been doing our best

to keep the world safe, Gary.

But now somebody has supplied

the terrorists with WMDs.

And intelligence tells us

they plan to use them.

Isn't that right,

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?

- That is affirmative.

- I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?

The most sophisticated computer

in the world.

I've intercepted communications

that several terrorist groups

are being organized for one

massive worldwide attack.

From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

has gathered,

it would be /   times.

/  times    ?

Jesus, that's...

Yes,.

Basically, all the worst parts

of the Bible.

So now you see why we need you.

We will disguise you as a terrorist and

take you deep into the Middle East.

If your acting is successful, you'll be

able to get us the information we need

to stop this whole thing

from happening.

Of course, if you're not interested...

...there's the door.

All right. Thanks.

Gary. Hey, hold on a second.

Don't you understand?

Every country in the world is in danger.

How is it my responsibility

to do something?

Because like it or not, you're the one

with the power to do something.

I can't fight terrorists. I don't know

anything about guns or jets.

That doesn't matter.

If you wanna help people,

all that matters, Gary,

is what you have here.

Just think about it, okay?

Here, take this.

Baxter will take you wherever

you wanna go. Just remember:

Your freedom's at stake too.

What do you think Spottswoode

sees in him?

I don't know. But I think I see it too.

Hey, Baxter.

I wanna take a detour.

What would you do

If you were asked to give up

Your dreams for freedom?

What would you do

If asked to make

The ultimate sacrifice?

Would you think about

All them people

Who gave up everything they had?

Would you think about

All them war vets

And would you start to feel bad?

Freedom isn't free

It costs folks like you and me

And if we don't all chip in

We'll never pay that bill

Freedom isn't free

No, there's a hefty fucking fee

And if you don't throw in

Your buck o'five, who will?

Buck o'five

Freedom costs a buck o'five

Our dear leader, Kim Jong II, says

the weapons of mass destruction

you requested are ready

for you to take.

I am still in the process of recruiting

and training new terrorists

for the attack.

We take weapons later.

He asks what part of the deal

you did not understand.

He says perhaps his translator

did not make it clear to you.

He says he should fire

his translator?

Do you have any idea

how fucking busy I am?

I cannot berieve that I have

a Chechnyan standing here terring me

when he's gonna take a derivery.

Herro?

Perhaps we can be ready sooner.

Yes, perhaps you can.

Now, take your weapons

of mass destruction

and get the fuck out of here.

I had to come back.

- I know you did, son.

- I still say this is a fucking mistake.

Stop it, Chris. I sense that you're

making him feel intimidated.

Gary, I'm afraid there's no time.

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. tells us

the attack is imminent.

We need you to act like

a Middle Eastern terrorist right away.

There's just one problem.

I don't look Middle Eastern.

Leave that to us.

Sarah's a professional at skin grafting

and laser "valmoriphication."

Sarah's a professional at skin grafting

and laser "valmoriphication."

Just try to be still.

Amazing.

The valmoriphication

completely worked.

Sit up and take a look, Gary.

It's uncanny.

You're going to fool everyone, Gary.

Or should I say...

...Hakmed.

All right, team, we've only got

one shot at this, so listen up.

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

has intercepted communications

that terrorists from different countries

are gathering at a tavern here,

- in Cairo.

- Cairo. That's in Egypt.

Exactly right, Joe.

Now, team, your mission will be

to get Gary into that tavern.

And once he's on the inside,

cover his back.

Gary, you must use

your acting to find out

any information you can

from the terrorists.

Gary, if for some reason

your cover is blown

and the terrorists take you prisoner,

well, you'll probably want

to take your own life.

Here, you'd better have this.

All right, team, that's it.

We've got a job to do.

Let's go police the world.

America

America

America

Fuck, yeah

Coming again to save

The motherfucking day, yeah

America

Fuck, yeah

Freedom is the only way, yeah

Terrorists, your game is through

'Cause now you have to answer to

America

Fuck, yeah

So lick my butt

And suck on my balls

America

Fuck, yeah

What if the old man is wrong

about him, huh?

What if he's not the great actor

Spottswoode says he is?

Why don't you trust actors, Chris?

I got my reasons.

You all right, Gary?

I was just thinking.

On-stage, if I mess up a line,

it could mean a bad review.

If I mess up here,

we're all dead.

I believe you can do this, Gary.

Why? What reason do you

have to believe?

Sometimes believing is all we have.

Fear not, Muslim friends.

We're here to find terrorists.

I'm clearing your minds of all anxiety.

All right, good job, Sarah.

Now, everyone make for the tavern.

Let's get one thing straight, actor.

I don't trust you.

If you betray us, I'll rip your fucking

balls off and stuff them up your ass

so that the next time you shit,

you'll shit all over your balls, got it?

- What's your problem with me?

- Yeah, you wanna go?

Guys, guys, guys!

Don't you see this is just

what the terrorists want us to do?

The war is out there, man. Out there.

Now, pull it together.

All right, team, let's move

to the inner city. Keep it quiet.

- Clear.

- Clear.

- Clear.

- Clear.

Gary, you follow me.

The rest of the team,

take super-secret hiding positions

Alpha One.

All right, that's the tavern

with the blue door.

Act your way past those guards

and see what you can find out.

Remember, if you think they're

onto you, give us the signal.

You remember the signal?

That's right. All right, good luck.

Go get them, cowboy.

Oh, shit.

Come on, Gary, act.

You have the power.

- All right, Gary!

- Told you he was top gun.

- I've never seen acting that good.

- He's amazing.

Yeah, no, I know.

It's terrible, terrible.

We are Bashir rebels from

the country of Somalia. Who are you?

My name is Hakmed. I'm a terrorist.

Anybody know of any terrorist attacks

coming up soon?

I sense that I'm becoming

attracted to Gary.

My advice is not to get involved

with a team member, Sarah.

It's too painful to see them die.

I'm sorry, Lisa.

I didn't mean to bring up...

It's okay, Sarah.

I treasure your friendship.

I treasure yours, Lisa.

Hey, have you ever thought

of telling Sarah how you feel?

What would a girl like Sarah want

with a simple Nebraska boy like me?

I don't know nothing about fancy cars

and fancy restaurants.

Still, I'd love to show her

a full-moon night on the cornfields.

What do you know?

I heard there might be

a large terrorist attack.

If you tell me what it is,

maybe I could help out.

Get out of here. We have put out

a jihad on the infidels

because they destroyed our lives.

What do you know

about pain and sadness?

Gary. Help me! Help me!

Get him off!

Get this thing off of me! Gary!

I was just a boy when the infidels

came to my village

in their Black Hawk helicopters.

The infidels fired at the oil fields

and they lit up like the eyes of Allah.

Burning oil rained down from the sky

and cooked everything it touched.

I could only hide myself and cry

as my goats were consumed

by the fiery, black liquid death.

In the midst of the chaos,

I could swear that I heard my goats

screaming for help.

As quickly as they had come,

the infidels were gone.

It was on that day

I put a jihad on them.

And if you don't believe it,

then you better kill me now,

because I'll put a jihad on you too.

I like you. You have balls.

I like balls.

All right, listen carefully.

The WMDs are located

in a secret bunker   yards east

of this building.

You can help us by guarding it

and making...

Come. They're onto us!

Hurry, friend.

We must make our escape.

Shit. I've got five terrorists going

southeast on Baka laka daka Street.

Don't let them get away.

I sense Gary's trapped

inside the tavern.

Copy, Sarah. You get Gary,

we'll go after the terrorists.

America

America

Fuck, yeah

Coming again to save

The motherfucking day, yeah

America

Fuck, yeah

Freedom is the only way, yeah

It's the dream that we all share

It's the hope for tomorrow

Go faster, you idiot.

Die! Infidels!

- They're not stopping.

- They had their chance.

Missed. Wide right.

One of the terrorists is trying

to tell us something.

It's me. It's me.

Looks like he's saying,

"Kiss me. Kiss me."

Smartass motherfucker.

- Gary?

- An infidel.

Kill her.

Gary?

- Sarah to Team America Four.

- What you got, Sarah?

Gary isn't in the tavern.

I think he may be with...

- Say again. You're breaking up.

- Joe, do you copy?

- I'll get him.

- Lisa?

I lost her.

It's all right. We'll kill these guys,

then we'll find out what she wants.

Right.

Hey, guys, I think

we should pull over.

Pull over? Yes, of course.

Pull over, let them pass us, and when

they turn around, we charge them.

I love your balls.

Shit, they got by me.

- What are we doing?

- This jeep is filled with explosives.

We're going to take their lives

and our own.

We're gonna what?

- Hang on, Joe.

- Die, infidels.

Surprise, cockfags!

All right. We fucking did it.

Spottswoode, it's Lisa. Gary found the

WMDs and the terrorists are down.

Great job, team. Head back to base

for debriefing and cocktails.

This is breaking news

with Peter Jennings.

Team America has once again

pissed off the entire world

after blowing up half of Cairo.

And now some Hollywood celebrities

are lashing out.

Alec Baldwin is head

of the Film Actors Guild.

The Film Actors Guild believes

that what the world needs

is compassion, not violence.

All that Team America

does is create new enemies.

Let me explain to you

how this works.

You see, the corporations

finance Team America.

And then Team America goes out,

and the corporations sit there in their...

In their corporation buildings,

and, see, they're all corporation-y,

and they make money.

Last year I went to Iraq.

Before Team America showed up,

it was a happy place.

They had flowery meadows

and rainbow skies

and rivers made of chocolate,

where the children danced

and laughed and played

with gumdrop smiles.

The actors are calling

for an emergency meeting.

Already expected to attend

are Helen Hunt,

George Clooney, Liv Tyler,

Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon,

Janeane Garofalo

and Matt Damon.

Matt Damon.

In the meantime, the world wants

to deal with dangerous individuals

their own way.

Hans Brix? Oh, no.

Oh, herro,

great to see you again, Hans.

Mr. II, I was supposed to be allowed

to inspect your palace today,

and your guards won't let me into

certain areas.

Hans, Hans, Hans. We've been

through this a dozen times.

I don't have any weapons

of mass destruction, okay, Hans?

Then let me look around so I can

ease the U.N.'s collective mind.

Hans, you're breaking my barrs here.

Hans, you're breaking my barrs.

I'm sorry, but the U.N. must be

firm with you.

Let me see your whole palace

or else.

Or else what?

Or else we will be very,

very angry with you.

And we will write you a letter

telling you how angry we are.

Okay, I'll show you, Hans.

You ready?

Stand a rittle to your reft.

A rittle more.

Good.

There you go, Hans Brix.

How you rike that,

you fucking cocksucker?

Do you have any idea

how fucking busy I am, Hans Brix?

Well, fuck you.

You want inspection?

Well, inspect that,

you buttfucking piece of shit.

What, you think I'm just

a petty arms dearer?

I'm pranning the attack.

Congraturations, Team America,

you have stopped nothing.

Congratulations, Gary.

You've done an amazing thing.

It will be years before the terrorists

have the resources to attack again.

We're gonna be unstoppable

with you on the team, Gary.

Terrorists, your game is through.

You're the best, Gary.

So this terrorist is shooting at us

from the back of his jeep, and he...

You might have all the others fooled,

but not me.

Your acting was reckless

and it put us all in danger.

The next time you pull a stunt like that,

I'll drill two holes through your dick

so that when you pee, it shoots out

in all different directions. You got it?

Hey, Sarah, do you mind

if I dance with you?

No, of course not, Joe.

Joe, do you think it's okay

for team members to date?

Sarah, really?

Yeah. Do you think it's all right?

I think it's better than all right.

It's great!

Oh, good. I'm so glad you think so.

Gary? You okay?

I was just wondering if I can let go

of an old, painful memory.

Is it anything

that you wanna talk about?

When I was a kid, I always looked up

to my older brother, Tommy.

He was the jock,

and I was the little performer.

We were all out at the zoo one day.

I was doing some acting, walking

on the railing of the gorilla exhibit.

I fell in.

Everyone screamed,

and Tommy jumped in after me,

forgetting that he had blueberries

in his front pocket.

The gorillas just went wild.

They jumped all over his body

and threw him around like a rag doll

to get to those blueberries.

One gorilla would throw him to another

gorilla, who tossed him to another.

Everyone panicked and cried out

for somebody to help,

but it was too late.

The gorillas beat him to death before

the zookeepers could gas them all.

My acting...

...got my brother killed.

I've had to live with that...

...every single day.

Gary, you can't blame yourself

for what gorillas did.

I think I can finally let it go.

Because my acting

saved the entire world.

And something

even better happened.

What?

I met somebody

who took my breath away.

Gary, no.

I'm sorry.

It's just...

Things are really complicated, Gary.

I know about Carson.

I know how it feels.

God, I'm so confused.

It's too soon to be

having feelings for you.

Maybe feelings are feelings

because we can't control them.

But I have to control them

because I can't go through losing

somebody again. It's too painful.

So... So, what, you're just

gonna shut down?

I really like you.

There's no chance

we can ever be together?

Only if you could promise me

you'll never die.

You know I can't promise that.

If you did that,

I would make love to you right now.

I promise. I will never die.

I need this, I need love

I need you

I don't need one heartbeat

I need two

There's an emptiness I need to fill

And only one emptiness will do

Only a woman

Can brighten up my day

Only a woman

Can touch me the right way, yeah

Only a woman

Is allowed to touch me there

All I ask

Is that you're a woman

All I ask

Is that you're a woman

Please just be a woman

Lisa, you're the most amazing person

I've ever met.

It's only been a short time,

but I think that I'm completely in love...

Let's not talk.

I can't help it.

This just feels so right,

and I don't want anything

to mess it up.

There's not a thing in the world

that can mess this up.

Team, I'm afraid I have bad news.

At :   this morning,

the terrorists carried out their attack.

- What?

- But how can that be?

Gary stopped the terrorists

in Cairo.

It appears now that

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrong

about the Chechnyans

being in charge.

That was bad,

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

- Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

- I'm sorry.

We have to find out who did this

and take them down. Fast.

Sir, I am intercepting communications

about the terrorists' identities.

On screen.

This is breaking news

with Peter Jennings.

An attack in Panama today

has left thousands dead.

Taking credit were terrorists

from Derka Derkastan.

Of course, Derka Derkastan.

The terrorists claim that the attack

was a retaliation

for Team America's actions in Cairo.

Alec Baldwin is rallying all

the members of the Film Actors Guild.

- Alec Baldwin?

- Gary?

He's my hero.

The single greatest actor

of all time.

Who is to blame for these attacks

in Panama?

The terrorists?

The person who supplied them

with WMDs?

No. Blame Team America.

Their reckless disregard in Cairo

brought on this violence today.

Team America, the blood of the victims

of Panama is on your hands.

Moved by Baldwin's

impassioned speech,

hundreds of people turned out

at Mount Rushmore today to protest.

Hey, that's here.

Tom, it looks like filmmaker

Michael Moore

is also jumping on the

"Fuck Team America" bandwagon.

Protesting is not enough.

We must take radical action against

the fascists in our own country.

Bring it down! Bring it all down!

Team, if the Derka Derkastanis

have weapons of mass destruction,

I'm afraid it could be

/  times.

- Jesus, you mean...?

- Yes.

Nine hundred and eleven thousand.

Then forget all these assholes.

We got work to do.

Yes, let's get Gary valmorphanized

so he can use his acting.

My acting?

My acting? My acting just got

a thousand people killed.

Jesus, I've done it again.

Pull yourself together, Gary.

We need you now more than ever.

- I'm through with this.

- Gary, you can't go.

Without you, the team is doomed.

Remember, there is no "l"

in Team America.

Yes, there is.

I know it's hard, Gary.

But you're still the only hope

to stop these newer terrorists.

Why me? Why am I the only one?

Because you're the one

with the power to...

Well, I don't want the fucking power!

I don't want the guilt,

I don't want the shame

and I don't want the responsibility.

Then what about all the things

you promised last night?

You said you'd never leave.

I said I'd never die.

But now I'm dead inside.

You slept with Gary?

- Sarah.

- But you knew I liked Gary.

I told you.

You like Gary?

Oh, I see.

- I didn't plan on it happening, Sarah.

- Save it, Lisa.

You see? All I do is hurt people.

Gary, you didn't kill your brother.

Those gorillas did.

I'm sorry I'm not the man

you think I am.

I'm just bad news.

I'll never act again.

Fuck him. We don't need an actor.

We can take out

the Derka Derkastanis

the old-fashioned way.

No. It would be a suicide mission.

That's all right.

I feel a little bit like dying.

Goddamn it, Gary.

America

Fuck, yeah

America

Fuck, yeah

Coming again to save

The motherfucking day, yeah

America

Fuck, yeah

Freedom is the only way

Yeah

Terrorists, your game is through

'Cause now you have to answer to

America

Fuck, yeah

America

Fuck

Gary! Help me!

Get this thing off of me! Gary!

All right, team.

We're nearing Derka Derkastan.

Let's get ready.

Look out! We've got terrorist aircraft.

There's only five of them, team.

This should be easy.

I've got Korean aircraft at  o'clock.

What are they doing here?

Shoot them down. Rike dogs.

Kim Jong II?

Why is he helping terrorists?

I've got one on my tail!

I got you, Sarah.

Bring in the submarines.

What the hell? Something's shooting

at us from the water.

- It must be a Korean sub.

- Chris, you've gotta take them out.

I'm already on it.

These guys really snuck up on us.

Yeah, there's a lot of that

going around lately.

Sarah, you know I didn't mean

to hurt you.

No, you just didn't care if you did.

Now, come on, Sarah,

that isn't fair.

Lisa can't help it

if Gary has feelings for her.

Just like nobody can help it

if you have feelings for Gary.

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on, Sarah.

You mean you never realized

Joe has feelings for you?

Joe? But you're like a brother to me.

That's all I ever am. Like a brother.

It isn't fair.

Hang on, team.

Someone has broken into the hangar.

- Baxter?

- Hey, Team America.

I got something for you.

- What the hell?

- Prepare to die.

Jesus titty-fucking...

...Christ!

Spottswoode!

Oh, my God!

No. He can't be dead.

We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

I repeat,

we have no I.N. T.E.L.L.I. G.E.N. C.E.

Their computers are down.

Attack!

- Sarah!

- I sense I'm going down.

Sarah! God, Chris,

you gotta help her.

I'm on it. Just hang on, Sarah.

Oh, fuck, I've been hit.

Chris, come in.

- Oh, Jesus, I'm hit!

- Lisa!

- Going down.

- Goddamn it,

I'm gonna have to breach.

I'm gonna hit the water.

Missile lock. I've got missile lock.

I've gotta bail out.

Salvage their ships. If you find anyone

arive, you know what to do with them.

Terrorists on screen.

Okay, who brew up Panama Canal?

We were angry about Cairo.

Goddamn it, how many times

do I have to tell you?

You don't use the WMDs

until you see the signal.

I have worked ten years

on this pran.

It is a very precise

and a compricated pran.

I am sick of you terrorists

fucking it up.

Now, take the weapons

where I told you

and wait for the goddamn signal

this time. Goodbye.

Why is everyone so fucking stupid?

Why aren't more people interrigent?

Rike me?

I'm so ronery

So ronery

So ronery and sadry arone

There's no one

Just me onry

Sitting on my rittle throne

I work rearry hard

And make up great prans

But nobody ristens

No one understands

Seems rike no one

Takes me seriousry

And so

I'm ronery

A rittle ronery

Poor rittle me

There's nobody I can rerate to

Feel rike a bird in a cage

It's kind of sirry

But not rearry

Because it's firring my body

With rage

I'm the smartest, most crever

Most physicarry fit

But nobody else seems to rearize it

When I change the world

Maybe they'll notice me

And until then

I'll just be ronery

Yeah, a rittle ronery

Poor rittle me

I'm so ronery

What would you do

If you were asked to give up

Your dreams for freedom?

What would you do if asked

To make the ultimate sacrifice?

Hey, weren't you the actor

in that Broadway show?

Hey, yeah, it is you. Do that scene

where everyone gets AIDS.

I don't act anymore.

I gave that up.

- Oh, come on, man, just a scene.

- I said, get away from me!

I'm completely lost.

I've hit rock bottom.

Easy, easy.

You gotta calm down there, Chuck.

I hurt people. I'm a dick.

Well, being a dick ain't so bad.

See, there are three kinds of people:

Dicks, pussies and assholes.

Pussies think everyone can get along

and dicks just wanna fuck all the time

without thinking it through.

But then you got your assholes,

Chuck.

And all the assholes want

is to shit all over everything.

So pussies may get mad at dicks

once in a while

because pussies

get fucked by dicks.

But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck.

And if they didn't fuck the assholes,

you know what you'd get?

You'd get your dick and your pussy

all covered in shit.

All right, that does it.

Get out of here, you drunk lowlife.

Get out of here, I said.

Lisa!

Lisa. Lisa, are you here?

Get out of the street,

you fucking bum!

You gave up on life, didn't you?

My fellow actors,

we live in a dark time.

The world is becoming more

and more violent

and the idiots in charge

are making it worse.

What the world needs is

an international advisory committee

who truly understands global politics.

Namely, us.

The time has come for us

to start using our acting talents

in a different way.

Yes, we can use our powers

to change the world.

We will persuade everyone

to drive hybrid cars and stop smoking.

If we focus our acting

on global politics,

we can change everything and stuff.

As actors, it is our responsibility

to read the newspapers

and then say what we read

on television like it's our own opinion.

Matt Damon.

We've all done action films.

If anyone tries to get in our way,

we'll show them just how tough

us actors really are.

I'm glad you all agree.

Because I've just been contacted

by a very important political leader

who is bringing all the

world leaders together

for a massive

international peace conference.

And he wants us to be

the keynote speakers.

Matt Damon!

Say hello to our new partner.

Herro.

Stop it! Stop it, you're killing him!

I'm gonna fucking kill you!

You're not in a position to kill anyone,

my red, white and brue friend.

So you're the bastard

planning /   times.

No. You think so small.

You see, I'm about to have

an eraborate peace ceremony.

And while all the world's most

important people are distracted here,

I will detonate the WMDs

which I have given to terrorists

arr around the grobe.

It will be /   times.

My God, that's...

I don't even know what that is.

Nobody does.

You heartless bastard.

Why would you do such a thing?

Because then there will be barance.

Every country will be

a Third World country.

Just imagine it.

All around the world, there will be

massive exprosions.

With nobody to guide them,

the people will break out into panic

and rioting all over the earth.

The true nature of humanity

is unreashed.

Dog eats dog,

as everyone attacks everyone

and fends only for themselves.

Grobal stabirity unravels.

By the time my show is over,

it will be far too rate.

Your plan will fail.

You'll never keep the world leaders

distracted here for nine hours.

Oh, no? I've got Arec Barrwin.

Dear God.

You are the rast of a dying breed,

the frag-waving American.

Well, your rittle dream

will soon be over.

I must get back to pranning

the ceremony now.

The film actors are on their way.

Perhaps they'll stop in and say herro.

Having so little faith in humanity

must make you a very lonely man.

You shall have a front-row seat.

Bring her upstairs.

Leave her alone,

you son of a bitch!

Lisa, I treasure your friendship!

Somebody has to stop this!

I miss you more than Michael Bay

Missed the mark

When he made Pearl Harbor

I miss you more than that movie

Missed the point

And that's an awful lot, girl

And now

Now you've gone away

And all I'm trying to say

Is Pearl Harbor sucked

And I miss you

I need you like Ben Affleck

Needs acting school

He was terrible in that film

I need you like Cuba Gooding

Needed a bigger part

He's way better than Ben Affleck

And now

All I can think about is your smile

And that shitty movie too

Pearl Harbor sucked

And I miss you

Pearl Harbor sucked

Just a little bit more

Than I miss you

Oh, my God.

What the hell happened?

Hello? Anybody?

Greetings, Mr. Johnston.

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.,

what the hell happened?

Our base was attacked by

a giant socialist weasel.

But where's the team?

They have been taken prisoner

by Kim Jong II in North Korea.

I have intercepted communications

that he is planning

the massive attack

during a peace ceremony.

Don't move, protester,

or I'll blow your commie brains out.

- Spottswoode.

- Johnston?

What the hell are you doing here?

Get away from

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

I'm using it to blow up North Korea.

No! The team is in North Korea.

I know. And so are the triggers

to WMDs poised all around the globe.

My only option now

is to blow up Kim Jong II

and everything around him

before he can set them off.

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., initiate

detonation sequence on the ships.

You'll kill them all.

It's what they would

want me to do, Gary.

They would happily give their lives

for the good of the world,

- something you don't understand!

- There has to be another way.

There's nobody left

to stop Kim Jong II.

Let me go.

You? You're a buttfucking quitter.

You walked out, Gary. The team went

on a mission without you.

And without an actor,

they were like pigs to the slaughter.

I'm supposed to leave

the fate of the world in your hands?

I know I walked out,

but I'd do anything to take it back.

- Please, just let me help.

- You've done enough.

Please, Spottswoode,

you have to believe in me.

I want to believe in you, Gary,

I really do.

But you've let me down before.

Please, how can I make you

trust me?

I remember the first time we met.

You were a simple Broadway actor

afraid to get in my limo

because you thought I wanted you

to perform oral sex on me.

Do you remember that?

Yeah.

And now the tables are turned,

and I don't know if I can trust you.

Just give me a chance.

All right, I'll trust you.

But only if you...

...will perform oral sex on me.

- What?

- Right here, right now.

- You can't be serious.

- Oh, I am serious.

Look, this is my serious face.

- What will that prove?

- It will prove that you are truly ready

to lay everything on the line.

To throw away all your inhibitions

and give    percent.

We must go back to that first night

we met, that first issue of trust.

- Don't you see?

- No. I thought you weren't gay.

This isn't about sex, Gary,

it's about trust.

It's the eye of the needle, Gary,

and we must both pass through it.

Okay, let's do it.

I'll make sure nobody's watching.

Yeah, it looks clear.

Okay, go.

There must be another way.

I guess you won't do everything

to take it all back, will you, Gary?

No, no, no. Wait, wait, hold on.

You're saying if I do that,

you'll let me help the team?

I'll give you all the time I can.

Okay, let's do it.

Here we go.

And go.

You are dedicated.

Now, let's go get cleaned up.

If you're going to storm Kim Jong ll's

palace single-handed,

we have to make you

a complete soldier in very little time.

How we gonna do that?

I think I know just what we need.

The hour's approaching

To give it your best

And you've got to reach your prime

That's when you need

to put yourself to the test

And show us a passage of time

- We're gonna need a montage

- Montage

- It takes a montage

- Montage

Show a lot of things

Happening at once

Remind everyone

Of what's going on

And with every shot

Show a little improvement

To show it all would take too long

- That's called a montage

- Montage

- Girl, we want a montage

- Montage

In anything, if you want to go

From just a beginner to a pro

- You need a montage

- Montage

- Even Rocky had a montage

- Montage

- Always fade out in a montage

- Montage

If you fade out

It seems like more time has passed

- In a montage

- Montage

Radies and gentlemen.

The Film Actors Guild and Kim Jong II

are preased to welcome you

to the International

World Peace Ceremony.

The most important people

from every country

are gathered here in soridarity

to cerebrate peace.

There will be music, dancing

and, of course,

the biggest stars in Horrywood.

In the box to your reft is the

mastermind of this spectacurar show,

the multitarented Kim Jong II.

Oh, herro.

And now we present to you

the very best in North Korean music.

Ten years of pranning,

and finarry the night is here.

The terrorists know to be in position by

the time Arec Barrwin takes the stage.

That's when I trigger all the WMDs

to go off at the same time.

When you see Arec Barrwin,

you will see the true ugriness

of human nature.

Your plan will never work.

Something will stop it.

You stupid, naive Team Americans.

You berieve in true rove

and happy endings

even while the world around you

spirals downward.

Sometimes believing is all we have.

And as the leaders of your countries,

you have the power

to bring the world together under

the principles of the Film Actors Guild.

You're gonna

knock them dead, Alec.

Ten minutes, Mr. Baldwin.

Who the hell you?

I'm with the Film Actors Guild.

I'm here to help with the broadcast.

Then you show credentials.

Hey, you don't need to see

my credentials.

I left them at home

and I'm running late.

- I berieve him.

- Yeah, me too.

Okay, have a nice day.

My God, his acting is better

than ever.

Don't worry, fellas,

I've got my pass right here.

Please, Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins,

you don't understand

what Kim Jong II is doing.

Shut up. We have explicit instructions

to watch you.

- Yeah. We're supposed to be guards.

- We're guards.

- We're guards, huh? We're guards.

- We're guards.

Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins. Someone

has broken into the main hall.

What? Come on, Martin!

- Gary?

- What the fuck are you doing here?

Guys, are you all right?

Where's Lisa?

What the heck do you care?

You walked out on her.

Look, I wanna make things right.

Here, Spottswoode's monitoring

from the base.

- Spottswoode is dead, Gary.

- Not as dead as you think.

- Spottswoode!

- Yes, I'm here, Joe.

- All right, you're alive!

- Great to hear your voices again.

Now we've got to get Lisa

and stop Kim Jong II.

I'm not going anywhere

with this fucking traitor.

What makes you think

we'll take you back, douchebag?

- We're doing this without you!

- Now, hold on, team.

Gary has already proven to me

that he is    percent committed

to the team.

He proved it last night

by sucking my cock.

All right. Come on, team,

we gotta find that stage.

Rook how much they rove my show.

The entire audience is so captivated.

And now you see,

the new world is inevitabre.

- It's what?

- Inevita... Inevitabre.

- One more time.

- Inevitabre!

Things are inevitabry

going to change.

Goddamn it, open your fucking ears.

- Five minutes, Mr. Baldwin.

- Thank you.

- Alec, we have a problem.

- Team America escaped.

What? You fools.

They'll ruin everything.

We better warn everyone.

They'll be headed here.

No. We can't look weak

and powerless.

If violence is all those bastards

understand, then violence they'll get.

Every actor, grab a gun

and keep Team America

from reaching this ceremony

at all costs.

Qapla!

Qapla!

I swear they won't reach this stage.

Jesus! What have we got?

Looks like George Clooney

and Liv Tyler,   yards.

Look out, it's Ethan Hawke

and Janeane Garofalo.

Drop your weapons.

Fucking die!

We gotta split up.

Sarah, you and Gary go that way.

Chris and I will go right.

No, I think I'd rather team up

with you, Joe.

I guess you're with me, cockfag.

- Danny Glover!

- Come on, Penn.

- We must protect the show.

- Right.

- The stage must be that way.

- No. Joe, Sarah, it's a trap!

Very impressive, warmongers.

Now let's see how Kim Jong ll's

panthers treat you.

I went to Iraq, you know!

- Susan Sarandon.

- Oh, thank God.

We have to stop the ceremony.

Kim Jong II is mad.

Here, let me loose.

I'll show you where the theatre is.

- All right.

- No, Chris, stay away from her.

- Fuck you. She wants to help us.

- No, Chris, she's acting.

I am not. The others tied me up

because I wouldn't go along

with their plans.

Your skills are fading with age,

Miss Sarandon.

You shall die a peasant's death!

Jesus titty-fucking Christ.

I could've sworn

she was telling the truth.

That's why they call it acting.

Come on, we gotta find Lisa.

I was   years old when

the musical Cats came to our town.

I couldn't wait to see it.

After the show, I was asked

if I wanted to go meet

some of the performers backstage.

Man, I was thrilled.

But when I got back there,

they were drunk and out of control.

Rumpus cat and Macavity

kept feeling up my leg.

I tried to leave, but Rumpleteazer

held me down and...

...I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees.

That's why you don't trust actors.

I'm sorry I've been so hard on you.

If there's still a world left

when this is all over,

I'd like to buy you a beer.

Come on, let's go.

We're running out of time.

Sarah, before we die, I want to

finally tell you that I love you.

No. No, I'm not gonna

let it end like this.

We are not your enemy, furry ones.

You will not attack us.

Sarah, that isn't going to work.

You don't really have mental powers.

Your captors are behind you, Shebas.

Show your anger to them.

Sarah, you did it!

Wait. Hold on.

Spottswoode, I think we just found

the entrance to the theatre.

Have Sarah and Joe lock on to our...

Gary!

- Actors, ho!

- Helen Hunt.

Samuel Jackson.

Matt Damon.

Motherfucker.

Gary, Chris, come in.

And now, radies and gentlemen,

Mr. Arec Barrwin.

We are here to usher in a new era

without violence.

By following the rules

of the Film Actors Guild,

the world can become a better place

that handles dangerous people

with talk and reasoning.

That is the F.A.G. way.

One day you'll all look at the world

us actors created and say,

"Wow. Good going, F.A.G.

You really made the world

a better place, didn't you, F.A.G.?"

Yes, Arec Barrwin.

Too bad there won't be a world reft.

Oh, God, no.

You see? No Prince Charming rode in

on a white stallion to save the day.

This is the real world.

I'm afraid your world is over.

In five minutes.

Yes, the ticking crock.

Sorry, Team America, but you see,

we must live in a time of peace.

Put down the gas can now.

Kill them.

Jackson!

Team, you've got to hurry.

Let's go, bitch.

I've done action films.

Come on.

Matt Damon!

Come on, stop trying to hit me

and hit me.

Don't fucking move!

Now, isn't that a shame.

You came so close

to stopping peace.

But you see,

peace always finds a way.

Goodbye, Team America.

I've just got one piece of bad news

for you, Robbins.

- What's that?

- I'm a smoker.

Now that the world

is going to be run peacefully,

we should all drive hybrid cars.

Right now famiries

are gathering in parks,

children are walking to school,

friends are sitting in movie theatres.

All compretery unaware that the world

is about to change forever.

All because of me.

Stop that man.

Gary!

- Team America?

- Goddamn it.

Sorry to interrupt the show,

everyone, but Kim Jong II

is an international criminal.

We're here to arrest him.

Oh, no, you're not.

This is a peace conference.

And if you even try to touch

Kim Jong II,

this audience and I will rise up

against you.

Fuck off, Team America!

Team, there's no time.

You have to convince that audience

to let you do your job.

- Gary, you've got to take the stage.

- No. I can't upstage Alec Baldwin.

- He's the best actor in the world.

- You have to try.

- I'm not that good.

- Actually...

...you're the finest actor

I've ever met.

Come on, Gary, hurry.

You've got to act fast.

I know you all don't like Team America

a whole lot right now,

but Kim Jong II is a lot worse.

You can't outact me, boy.

Don't even try.

For the truth is that Team America

fights for the billion-dollar corporations.

They are just as bad

as the enemies they fight.

Oh, no, we aren't. We're dicks!

We're reckless, arrogant,

stupid dicks.

And the Film Actors Guild

are pussies.

And Kim Jong II is an asshole.

Pussies don't like dicks,

because pussies get fucked by dicks.

But dicks also fuck assholes,

assholes who just wanna shit

on everything.

Pussies may think they can deal

with assholes their way.

But the only thing

that can fuck an asshole

is a dick with some balls.

The problem with dicks

is that sometimes they fuck too much.

- Or fuck when it isn't appropriate.

- Yes, Gary, yes.

And it takes a pussy

to show them that.

But sometimes pussies

get so full of shit

that they become assholes

themselves.

Because pussies are only an

inch and a half away from assholes.

I don't know much

in this crazy, crazy world...

...but I do know that if you don't

let us fuck this asshole...

...we are gonna have our dicks

and our pussies...

...all covered in shit.

Show us what you're doing,

Kim Jong II.

Do something, Arec Barrwin!

The... Global warming and...

Corporate America...

You are worthress, Arec Barrwin.

Don't fucking move!

You were all going to be treated

to a faburous show.

But now party's over.

- For I am the great Kim Jong II.

- Lisa.

And I am the greatest terrorist

ever to have rived.

Terrorize this.

- Lisa, are you okay?

- No, Gary, the countdown.

You have to stop it.

- What do I do?

- Hit the big "cancel" button!

- Gary, how did you manage this?

- Spottswoode helped me.

Spottswoode? He's alive?

Lisa, I'm crazy about you.

Will you please forgive me if l...?

You had me at

"dicks fuck assholes."

Attention. Attention, everyone.

All you in the audience should go

to your homes now.

Your countries need you.

But the world will be safe,

thanks to a brilliant actor

named Gary Johnston.

Let me explain to you

the kind of man Gary is.

He's a man who knows

that when you put another man's cock

in your mouth, you make a pact.

A bond that cannot be broken.

He's a man so dedicated that

he will get down on his knees

and put that cock

right in his mouth.

Wait a minute. Look!

You have not heard the rast

of Kim Jong II.

I will return!

You shall see. I will be back!

So rong, earthrings!

We'll be here waiting for you,

Kim Jong II.

All right, you guys, I hate to break up

this little party,

but there's still a lot of bad guys

out there.

Well, then let's go show the bad guys

the police are back in force.

Fuck, yeah.

Fuck, yeah.

America

America

America

Fuck, yeah

Coming again to save

The motherfucking day, yeah

America

Fuck, yeah

Freedom is the only way

Yeah

Terrorists, your game is through

'Cause now you have to answer to

America

Fuck, yeah

So lick my butt

And suck on my balls

America

Fuck, yeah

What you gonna do

When we come for you now?

It's the dream that we all share

- It's the hope for tomorrow

- Fuck, yeah

- McDonald's

- Fuck, yeah

- Wal-Mart

- Fuck, yeah

- The Gap

- Fuck, yeah

- Baseball

- Fuck, yeah

- NFL

- Fuck, yeah

- Rock 'n' roll

- Fuck, yeah

- The Internet

- Fuck, yeah

- Slavery

- Fuck, yeah

Fuck, yeah

Everyone has AIDS

- My grandma and my dog Ole Blue

- AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

- The pope has got it and so do you

- AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

Come on, everybody

We got quilting to do

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS

We're gonna break down

These barricades

Everyone has

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS

Freedom isn't free

It costs folks like you and me

And if we don't all chip in

We'll never pay that bill

Freedom isn't free

No, there's a hefty fucking fee

And if you don't throw in

Your buck o'five

Who will?

Buck o'five

Freedom costs a buck o'five

Only a woman

Can brighten up my day

Only a woman

Can touch me the right way

Yeah

Only a woman

Is allowed to touch me there

All I ask

Is that you're a woman

I'm so ronery

So ronery

So ronery and sadry arone

There's no one

Just me onry

Sitting on my rittle throne

I work rearry hard

And make up great prans

But nobody ristens

No one understands

Seems rike no one

Takes me seriousry

And so

I'm ronery

A rittle ronery

Poor rittle me

I need you like Ben Affleck

Needs acting school

He was terrible in that film

I need you like Cuba Gooding

Needed a bigger part

He's way better than Ben Affleck

And now

All I can think about is your smile

And that shitty movie too

Pearl Harbor sucked

And I miss you

Why does Michael Bay

Get to keep on making movies?

I guess Pearl Harbor sucked

Just a little bit more

Than I miss you

Show a lot of things

Happening at once

- Remind everyone of what's going on

- What's going on

And with every shot

Show a little improvement

To show it all would take too long

- That's called a montage

- Montage

- Girl, we want a montage

- Montage

In anything, if you want to go

From just a beginner to a pro

- You need a montage

- Montage

- Even Rocky had a montage

- Montage

- Always fade out in a montage

- Montage

If you fade out it seems like

More time has passed

I was sent from planet Gyron

To conquer the Earth

I had a terrific pran

I thought it would work

Tried to get the earthrings

All to kill each other, you see

But it all went wrong

And now I must decree

You are worthress, Arec Barrwin

You are worthress, Arec Barrwin

You failed in every way

And now my stock in you has farren

Your career is starring

And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin

That's why I brew your head off

And your children are all bawring

Pranet Gyron is inhabited

With Zypods rike me

But also with Barmacks

Who are giant bees

The Zypods and the Barmacks

Are at constant war

So we wanted a new home

And that's what Earth was for

But you are worthress, Arec Barrwin

You are worthress, Arec Barrwin

You fucked up my whole pran

And now Gyron is smeared

With Barmack porren

Your garbage needs some hauring

And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin

Now I must return home a failure

I'm afraid the Pit of Cryrock

Is carring