Roots: The White Album or The Blacker the Community, the Deeper the Roots! or Those Cotton Pickin' Crackers

Black Dynamite (TV series): Season: 2 Episode: 1 [incomplete & unfixed/messed]

Bullhorn: This week

B.D.: It's the first black history month in blacks' history, a time for us to reflect on how great our black asses are.

But instead, we about to beat our black asses to death.

[indistinct conversations] Honey Bee: Man, it is finally great to be black at least one - time out of the year.

- Cream Corn: Yeah, it almost - feels like being white.

- B.D.: Well, Black Dynamite ain't celebrating his blackness on any month that the white man tells him to.

So for all of February, I refuse to acknowledge one damn great - thing my people have done.

- Good evening, black community! I am the Reverend Al Sharpton, youth director of Operation Blackmale and founder of the pre-paid Race Card.

Allow me to tell you why they have paid me to be here today.

Bullhorn: Man, that Reverend Sharpton is sharper than a tack! He knows how to drop that knowledge while still lookin' - like a mack! - On behalf of our sponsors Roscoes, Anaconda Malt Liquor, and Smokey's BBQ Cigarettes, I present to you the newest and biggest, blackest member of the black community, the great Dr. King! [cheers and applause]

B.D.: "Dream achieved?" Is he dreamin' about takin' a shit? Honey Bee: Mm, he does look a little constipated.

And couldn't they have put a leaf on that thang? Bullhorn: Man, that's a sight I wish I'd never seen! A king-size, Martin Luther king ding-a-ling! I seen tons of ding-a-ling, and that is definitely a ball sack.

- But why is it so big? - Bullhorn: Don't you know anything about art, you whore?! It's obvious Martin's big-ass nuts - is just a metaphor! - That's right, brother! But this statue is about more than metaphorical balls and shitty dreams.

It's about struggle! [crowd cheers] Honey Bee: So he is constipated.

And unity! So that black and white cheeks all over the world can come together and doo-doo for peace, justice, and equality for all! [crowd cheers] Give it up for the king and his mighty deuce of unity! [cheers and applause continue] Aww, man, Dr.

King is shittin' in the same place I was gonna [bleep].

Move yo ass, Dr.

King! Dynamite! Dynamite!

B.D.: Black history month had the black community feeling more historically black than any month they ever had.

But not Black Dynamite.

He's been feelin' like a bad black mother since he came out - his bad black mother.

- Mmm! Mmm! There's no better way to celebrate the first day of black history than with a plate of chicken titties and fiddle faddle, a statue of Dr.

King on a white [bleep] and the world premiere of "Roots" the miniseries at Roscoes.

Cream Corn: "Roots"? What's that, a gardening show? Bullhorn: No, I think it's about black magic or maybe voodoo! But how does it tie into Dr.

King's statue taking a boo-boo? [laughs] It's time, y'all! The moment we all been waiting for "Roots" the miniseries! [crowd cheers] Man, you bull[bleep] man.

They actually showin' "Roots," man, up in here? Honey Bee: We finally get to learn our history! This is so exciting!

B.D.: Don't get caught up in the past, Honey Bee.

Remember, it ain't where you come from.

It's where you got your dick right now.

[whip cracking] [groaning] [crowd gasps] - What the hell? - What's your name, boy? - Levar Burton! - It's Toby! Look at that ooh right there.

- I'm angry now.

- Cream Corn: Wait a minute! Black people were slaves? I thought we were from Cleveland! I don't know what "Roots" talkin' about 'cause I ain't been a slave to nothin'.

Honey Bee: Hold up.

This is some bull[bleep] I knew we was slaves, but who the [bleep] they yellin' at like that?! And what's with the whips?! - I wish an N-word would! - Bullhorn: Now, I'm not saying I would have willingly picked cotton on my knees! But at least them mean mother[bleep] could have said please! Man, if black folks had slaves, we'd be living like white folks, too! I can't imagine how much money they made selling slaves.

[cash register dings] That's enough with the whip, mother This is an outrage! We got to do something!

B.D.: Okay, okay now, before you get your slavery shackles in a bunch, we don't even know if this is based on a true story.

Roscoe, check out the TV guide and see what it says.

Okay, Black Dynamite.

Let's see.

It says here that "Roots" the miniseries is based on the true story of blacks being enslaved by white man for 465 years?! [indistinct shouting] No way! That can't be true.

Hold on.

There's more.

The depiction of slavery in this movie is not at all accurate.

B.D.: Now, see there.

Keep goin', Roscoe.

"In fact it was a hell of a lot worse.

[indistinct shouting] There is no way on god's Earth we could show how bad real slavery was to black folks 'cause they would lose they cotton-pickin' minds?!" [indistinct shouting] Honey Bee: I don't know about y'all, but I feel like whoopin' some ass white-cheeks-only ass! I think the Bible says something like, "do unto others as they have done unto you! And an eye for an eye is like a slave for a slave" or something like that.

Brothers and sisters of the black community, as my good-footed brother James Brown would say, it is time for the big payback! [crowd cheers] I need some get-back! oh, yeah I'm mad! - What the hell are you doing?! [shouting] - Hey, sucka, you black or white? Uh, uh, uh that depends on why you're asking? Okay, okay, let's run it this way.

Do you prefer grape juice or - purple drink? - Uh, uh, grape juice? I meant drink! Purple drink! Nooo! "Inside Annie's hall," take sixty-nine! And action! [groans]

B.D.: Now, I didn't agree with Rev's big payback as a way to take our 400 years of but Black Dynamite must admit, It felt kind of good to see "the man" in shackles.

Don't touch me! Let me go! Get your damn stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape! Hey, what are you doing? I love the show "Good times.

" Temporary layoffs! Now, Bullhorn, I'm puttin' you in charge of the selling and mastering of all the slaves.

You will be my deputy - overseeing officer overseer.

- Bullhorn: Al Sharpton, I'll work these slaves to the bone and sell 'em by the pound! So don't worry your pretty perm.

Officer overseer Bullhorn won't let you down! [feedback] Now, I know you're used to swap meets that have everything your heart could buy! But who would ever thunk we'd be hawkin' honkies, 2 for 25! They sellin' these white boys 2 for 25! - That's a deal.

- Cream Corn: What a bargain, Black Dynamite! Wait.

What? Do they come with the shackles - or those sold separately? - Is there such thing as a slave layaway? - Like a "slaveaway"? - Like a slaveaway, yeah.

Honey Bee: Mmm, I think I'm gonna get that little cute, chubby, bald-headed one right over there.

He got some nice toe -suckin' lips.

B.D.: Somewhere deep inside, white slavery feels right.

But I know it's a wrong right.

And if there is one thing I learned about wrong rights, is that they never right the wrong.

Bullhorn: First up on the slave block is the smallest, neurotic, serial-killin', pedophilin' mother[bleep] we got in stock! Wait.

You don't want me! I'm a big-time film director.

- My only talent is making films.

- If all he did was make movies, ain't nobody heard of him, we ought to be able to get him for $10.

Bullhorn: Man, nobody here recognizes yo ass! Now all I need to know is can you cut grass?! Maybe when I was a kid, I did it once? Bullhorn: That's all you had to say, and you ain't got to say no more! Now there you have it, folks.

Who needs a lawnmora! [indistinct shouting] No! You don't understand.

I'm already a slave! I work in Hollywood!

B.D.: Slavery was in full swing, and the black community was living life like a 17th-century white man.

Even Basehead.

Come on, Coleman.

I'm ain't payin' you nothin' for nothin' now.

Where's my base?! Here it is, your baseheadedness.

Shall I find a vein, sir? Yes, you may, my dear Coleman.

And, Coleman, why am I rubbin' my own nipples? Dynamite! Dynamite! [children laughing] Bullhorn: Uh-oh! Hell no! Lil orphan Penny, these slaves ain't for you to be shuckin' and jivin' wit'! This is our big payback! So you better pick up a whip! But what about Dr.

Martin Luther King's dream of racial equality? Bullhorn: Reverend Sharpton says Martin Luther King's dream can kick rocks! From now on, make your cracker slaves pick up yo' mother[bleep] blocks! Now, there's plenty of whips, so grab you one and let overseer Bullhorn show you how to do this young! [whip cracks] What's your name, boy?! - Timothy Bradley! - No! It's Kunta! A-and next time you you gon' - pick up my [bleep] blocks?! - Okay, he-he yeah.

B.D.: Little orphan Penny, what kind of white-oppression "Roots" treachery has taken over you?! Bullhorn's white-oppression "Roots" treachery took over us, Black Dynamite! Bullhorn: Reverend al says give a man a slave

B.D.: Bullhorn, I don't give a [bleep] what Al Sharpton says! Whippin' crackers and puttin' 'em in chains is some racist honky [bleep] Bullhorn: Either my eyes are deceiving me or maybe I'm just a wee dumb! But it appears to me that B.D. is fightin' - for the white man's freedom! - Cream Corn: Look, Black Dynamite, I finally got me some hoes! I mean, it ain't like they had - a choice, but a hoe is a hoe, right?

- B.D.: Why the [bleep] are they shackled to you? You ain't the slave, Cream Corn! Cream Corn: Well, you know how pimps always say, "where my bitches at?" Well, this way I always know where mine are.

I mean, they are a little tight.

That's the price of pimpin', you know what I'm sayin'? [whimpering] Honey Bee: Where's my little white sex slave so I can stomp his ass in the nuts?! [whimpering continues] What? Look, ain't nobody say what kind of slave! If I want to touch a white schalangalang and some nuts, - that's what I'm gon' do.

- B.D.: Hmm.

Dynamite! Dynamite

B.D.: Me and Bullhorn are at each other's throats, the black community is now the man, and Bee has turned into one white-slave-drivin' dominatrix bitch.

It's startin' to look like Dr.

King's big ole unity dump in that white-cheeks-only toilet was just a big ole unity dump in vain.

All: # Negroes # threw us honkies in shackles changed my name from Timmy to Jero-o-o-o-me! sold us at the swap meet for 2 for 25 now we're pickin' cotton with a comb - Not a pick.

- All: # Whitey ain't never # been called so many honkies blue-eyed devil, cracker, pink to-o-o-es negroes the word we chose because we can't say nig N-word crackers gonna cry when we get ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-me [groaning] Oh, damn! Maybe I should let one of my hoes give him mouth to mouth.

She-e-e-et! My hoes ain't puttin they mouth on no mother[bleep] that ain't payin'.

- What's the problem? - I think our slave friend here - is about to die! - So what's the problem? Man, all these suckas look like they 'bout two cotton balls - away from croakin' over.

- What's the problem? [whip cracks] Bullhorn: Give it to me straight, doc, with no chaser, no jive! Are all my white slaves gonna die? Well, of course we're all gonna die.

When's the last time you gave us a tea break, or a latte, - or a mayonnaise sandwich? - Mayonnaise? - Ugh.

That's disgusting.

- You haven't even given us any suntan lotion.

You have to pamper white people if you want us to [gasps] want us to if you want us to live.

[groans] All right, I guess we got to get these mother[bleep] some mayonnaise.

Bullhorn, give all those slave masters some money to buy some pamperin'.

Now I got to go.

I'm-a be late for my Brazilian scrotum wax.

Dynamite! Dynamite!

B.D.: For the first time, Black Dynamite felt like there was nothing he could do to turn his community around.

I guess sometimes you got to let the bad things get worse before the worst things can get better than bad.

Cream Corn: Man, who would have known white oppression would be such hard work? Bullhorn: If we can just get some cream cheese and bagels, everything will be just fine.

Look! They got a slavery sale on Manischewitz wine! B.

D.


 * The community was breakin' their backs to pamper all their white minions.

At this point, I wasn't sure who was workin' for who no more.

I just don't understand why I'm here.

I'm just not cut out for slavery.

And my film! Oh, god, what am I gonna do about my film? I'm gonna get fired.

I got to get out of here! [pants] [screams] [thud] [groans] B.

D.


 * Look what the [bleep] you did to my car! I'm sorry.

I'm just a poor white runaway slave trying to get back to Hollywood.

Please don't hurt me! B.

D.


 * Hey, aren't you that pedophile-lookin' honky film director that got sold as a lawn mower on the - slave block the other day? - Yes.

Woody Allen.

Please B.

D.


 * Wait.

The Woody Allen from the "Play it again, Sam" Woody Allen? Yep, yep, that's me.

Now if you could B.

D.


 * [laughs] Man, I love that movie! You were one clumsy, weak mother[bleep].

[laughs] Wait, wait, wait.

How did that scene go again? Remember when the guys came out of the bar and that one dude put you in a headlock like this? And and and he said, "all right, listen, Shorty!" - Now you go, Woody.

- [choking] I-I can't breath! B.

D.


 * Nah, that's not what you said.

It was something like, "your tattoos are rubbing off my neck.

" Yof taftoos oph romuf offamuneph! B.

D.


 * Yeah, yeah, that was it! [laughs] Woody mother[bleep] Allen! Now, why the hell did you run into my car? Look, it was an accident! I'm just trying to get back home to Hollywood! B.

D.


 * Hmm.

Only because Black Dynamite likes your movies and he's on the fence about whitey slavery is he even takin' the time to understand your whitey plight.

[hooves clacking] Oh, god, they're coming! Please help me.

B.

D.


 * All right, I'll help you, but Black Dynamite don't drive no Ms.

Daisies or Mr.

Woodys.

Can you dig it? [whip cracks] [panting] This is not exactly what I had in mind, Black Dynamite.

B.

D.


 * The key word in "runaway slave" is "run.

" Dynamite! Dynamite! B.

D.


 * And just when I thought things couldn't get worse, I thought one more time and then they did.

These turkeys turned Black Dynamite's dojo into a slave quarters, spa, slavery pampering suite, whatever it is! They're interrupting my kung fu.

This white slavery [bleep] has officially gone too far.

- Bullhorn?! Honey Bee?! - Honey Bee: Black Dynamite, ooh, - I'm in here, I'm in here! - B.

D.


 * Honey Bee, I ain't got - time for hide-n-seek right now.

- Honey Bee: Shh! Now you shush yo' mouth.

My white sex slave gon' hear ya now.

- B.

D.


 * What?! - Honey Bee: This mother[bleep]'s in love! Ohh, he says he wants us to be shackled together, so I can whip his ass forever! - He's sick, I's tells ya.

He's sick.

- B.

D.


 * Honey Bee, do me a favor while we havin' this conversation.

Stop talkin' like a goddamn slave - and get the [bleep] out the freezer! - Bullhorn: Now, Black Dynamite, I know you don't believe a word the white man say! But this runaway slave I caught says you helped him run away! Honey Bee: Cream Corn, what the hell happened to you? Cream Corn: I got into a fight with Crenshaw Pete over some suntan lotion.

He might have branded me like a bitch, but guess who got the - suntan lotion? - Honey Bee: This is ridiculous.

- Look at your ankles they're bleeding.

- Cream Corn: Yeah, I think I gotta give my hoes a break 'cause these shackles, they're killin' me.

B.

D.


 * Now, Bullhorn, it's time to put white slavery to an end! Bullhorn: Black Dynamite, listen to what I say and make sure you heard what I said! These are Bullhorn's slaves, top deputy overseer of the world, Craig! B.

D.


 * Who the [bleep] is Craig? I ain't got time for this [bleep] Honey Bee, call up the reverend.

We need to have a black community town meeting.

[gavel bangs] [indistinct conversations] Why is this meeting happening right now? I got too many white slaves that - need my masterin'.

- What's all this about, Black Dynamite? - I was in the middle of gettin' my hur' did.

- B.

D.


 * All right, everybody, shut the [bleep] up when grown folks is abolishing slavery! Abolishin'? Bullhorn, what is going on here? I want you to stop him right now! [grunts] B.

D.


 * [grunts] That's it! You are officially fired as deputy overseer officer overseer of the world! Not just the community.

The world! B.

D.


 * Now, I know you all thought that white slavery was the right thing to do after discovering your roots in a miniseries.

But it's destroying this community! Black Dynamite, don't whoop my ass, but I disagree! My white lawyer slave here not only help me beat the triple homicide I was facing, but he also helped me save money on my car insurance.

[crowd cheers] Well, my white slave is worthless! He don't know how to roll a joint, wash a Cadillac, cook a pot roast, nothin'! And I got to keep feedin' him fish eggs and makin' tea all day! I'm with Black Dynamite.

I say we need to end white slavery! [indistinct shouting] Shut up! Everybody, shut up! What we need is some democracy up in this bitch! This allows the citizens of this community to participate equally by encompassing the damn social, economic, and cultural conditions that enable the free and equal practice of political self-determination, all by having a simple ass vote! [silence] What? A Basehead couldn't use to be a political scientist? Sounds like a plan to me.

Okay, by show of hands, - all those for honky slaves? - Honey Bee: I got 237.

- B.

D.


 * And those for free honkies? - Honey Bee: 237 again.

B.

D.


 * Damn.

It's a tie.

Now what? - What about Basehead? He didn't vote.

- Hold on.

I'm still thinkin'! Hmm Coleman is really good at findin' my veins, and he does - cook my heroin just the way I likes it.

- Thank you, sir.

I do my best.

But on the other hand, you not really good at stealin' [bleep] Coleman, and you know I can't afford to pay for my habit so uh For that reason alone, I am votin' to end white slavery! Sorry, Coleman.

[crowd cheering, grumbling] B.

D.


 * There you have it white slavery is officially abolished.

[gavel bangs] I can't believe it.

We're free.

I guess I should be happy, but I'm not.

I mean, I thought I wanted to go back home, but how can I after this traumatizing experience? Wait! Everyone, listen up! We can't go home.

B.

D.


 * What you talkin' 'bout, Woody Allen? How the hell are we supposed to function in white society now, huh? Being a slave for a whole month has destroyed us psychologically.

We have lost all our white self-esteem.

Where's that white arrogance that our ancestors had when they killed the Indians, huh? Where's all that ambition that dropped the bomb on Hiroshima? It's gone! So we can't go back to being ourselves anymore because we are not ourselves anymore.

I guess we have to find a way to assimilate ourselves into the black community until we can build up the self-confidence to steal it, 'cause we damn sure can't go back to Beverly Hills or Beverly Hills adjacent.

We would be a shame to our whole race.

[cheers, applause] So, what do you say, white folks? Let's go get us some Roscoes! [crowd cheers] B.

D.


 * And assimilate their white asses they did.

They were driving Cadillacs, pimpin', hustlin;, wearing afros.

They even put their mouths on our water fountains, and that's just nasty.

I guess they wanted equal rights, but the black community just ain't the black community without the community being black.

- Hm.

- Hm.

B.

D.


 * Roscoe, what's up with our seats, and why are all the black people outside? I'm sorry, Black Dynamite, but I'm afraid they had reservations.

See, that's what white folks do when they go out to eat.

- And did you know they had a thing called "tips"? - B.

D.


 * Well, here's a tip for them.

An ass in Black Dynamite's seat, no matter what color it is, is an ass in Black Dynamite's seat.

We have just as much right to eat here as you do, Black Dynamite, and we deserve to be treated like black people.

White shall overcome blacks! white shall over [crowd cheers] Dynamite! Dynamite! Bullhorn: Black Dynamite, you were right for bringing slavery to an end.

I should have stuck by you and been a better friend.

But now I know following al Sharpton was dumb, 'cause I sure wish these peckerwoods would go back - from where they come.

- B.

D.


 * It's perfectly normal to feel like putting white people in shackles sometimes, Bullhorn, but remember, vengeance ain't always as sweet as it tastes.

Honey Bee: Uh-oh.

You might want to slow down, Black Dynamite.

Cracker rights freedom fighters, 12:00.

[chanting] Being white is also right! Being white is also right! We, the white folks of the black community, are not moving our cheeks from this here monument until we receive reparations! - That's right! Stick it to the Mayne! - Bullhorn: [bleep] Reverend Al done flipped the script.

Al Sharpton, unless you went color-blind, you got some 'splainin' to do about these white-power signs.

Racial inequality does not have a color, brother, but it does have a price, so the only - signs I see are green dollar signs.

- Man, get your white asses off our King and take them back to Beverly Hills and Beverly Hills adjacent! We didn't land on this black community! This black community landed on us! [all shouting] B.

D.


 * Everybody, stop, stop! So, here we are, in the same freeze frame we started with.

Bullhorn is about to kill Al Sharpton, and the black community is about to spray white civil-rights fighters with hoses.

This is some weird-ass, heavy [bleep] and there was only one way to stop it.

Suey! - What the hell are you doing, Black Dynamite? - B.

D.


 * The same thing you're doing.

No, I'm just beating up a white slave fighting for racial equality.

You're destroying a monument that is a symbol of - our struggle for freedom.

- B.

D.


 * You all need to wake up.

Look at yourselves, black community.

If Dr.

King was here to see this, he would shit a brick.

Now, we can't beat the man by being the man, and, white people, don't let Al Sharpton get your ass whupped.

so before things get any worse and somebody touches my car, causing me to [bleep] up everybody, I suggest we pretend none of this ever happened and go back - to the way things were.

- We're sorry, negroes.

- What do we have to do? - So, does that mean I have to go back home? B.D.


 * Well, as for you, Woody Allen, you don't have to go home.

- I don't? - B.D.


 * Nah.

But you got to get the [bleep] out of here.

[farting] Dream achieved! Thank you, Dr. King.

[sniffs] Somebody got some incense? 'Cause it don't smell right.

[coughs] I'm blind! I'm blind! Dynamite! Dynamite! Dynamite! Dynamite! [farts]