How Harry Potter Should Have Ended


 * Dumbledore: Welcome, everyone to Hogwarts School of Wizardly and Witchcraft, a place I assure you is safe for children, ans has absolutely no, history that might threaten our entire existence. But there is huge killer snake downstairs. And a giant, vicious three headed dog... and a tree that can kill you... and man-sized spiders that can eat your face... And--
 * McGonagall: Thank you, Professor Dumbledore! That will be all. As he was saying, welcome to--
 * Hermione: These candles are dripping wax everywhere!
 * Girl: (Indistinct Screams)


 * Harry: That Time-Turner's fantastic, Hermione! You should keep it forever.
 * Hermione: Alright.
 * Harry: No, really! It's too valuable! You have to promise it to keep it..
 * Hermione: Okay! I promise!
 * Harry: Hermione, something might conveniently destroy all the Time-Turners, making that the last one! You have to promise to keep it!
 * Hermione: I promise I won't get rid of it!
 * Ron: What the bloody hell are you two talking about?
 * Voldemort: I'm going to kill you, Harry Potter! I'm pointing my wand as hard as I can!
 * Harry Potter: What's it going to take, Tom? You tried to kill me once as a baby and it didn't work!
 * Voldemort: I'm going to destroy you!
 * Harry Potter: We've been here, like four or five times already, and I just came back from the dead!
 * Voldemort: Lalalala! Not listening! Too busy about to kill you!
 * Harry Potter: You are insane! And now we're about to kill your snake pet!
 * Neville (slow motion): I'm awesome!!!
 * Harry Potter: It's over!
 * Voldemort: It's never over! Avada Kedav--ugh!
 * Professor Snape: Ugh. Muggle weapons.
 * Harry Potter: Professor Snape, you're alive!
 * Professor Snape: Of course I'm alive, you twit!
 * Harry Potter: But how? You died right in front of us!
 * Professor Snape: Magic! Duh! I'm a potions master and a double agent. Obviously I have a backup plan. I've been drinking Honey Badger Anti-Venom ever since I started hanging around that ridiculous snake.
 * Neville and Seamus: Whoa...
 * Luna: Honey badger just takes what it wants.
 * Professor Snape: And I think we've already established that I can heal bleeding injuries. Now, Mr. Potter, if you will bring me your Invisibility Cloak and Ms. Granger's Time-Turner, there is one more thing I must do.
 * Heromie: Professor, you realize if you do this, you can't come back.
 * Professor Snape: I am well aware of the risk and consequence, Ms. Granger.
 * Ron: You're gonna have to turn that thing at least 200,000 times, sir.
 * Professor Snape: Then you'd best not make me lose count, eh, Mr. Weasely?
 * Ron: No, sir.
 * Harry Potter: Good luck, sir.
 * Professor Snape: Goodbye, children.


 * Professor Snape: 262,029...262,030...262,031...got it! Got it!


 * Professor Snape: Avada Kedavra!
 * Riddle: (Groans)
 * Dumbledore: What the--
 * Professor Snape: Ha ha HA!
 * Dumbledore: What is this?
 * Professor Snape: Take that, you Dark Lord! Ha ha HA!
 * Dumbledore: Why would you DO that?
 * Professor Snape: Evidence...removal. (Pants)
 * Dumbledore: Who are you?
 * Professor Snape: Oh...sorry about that...just, uh... saving your life...in the future. As well as... countless others. It's a long story. No, I mean REALLY LONG story. Like, so long, if we wrote it all down it would take at least seven books.
 * Dumbledore: I would like to introduce our new teacher for Defense Against the Dark Arts, Professor Gandalf.
 * Gandalf: You...shall not...PASS!
 * Dumbledore: Well, that's a little harsh... classes haven't even started yet.