The Lost Mattress

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "The Lost Mattress" from season four, which aired on May 13, 2005.

Plot
(Squidward's watch strikes 9 o'clock) Squidward: Wow, this time I'm really late again. Maybe he'll finally fire me. (laughs as he walks into the closed front doors of the Krusty Krab) Locked?

SpongeBob: This isn't happening. This isn't happening.

Squidward: SpongeBob is that you?

SpongeBob: The horror, it's unspeakable. Don't you see, Squidward? It's closed! The Krusty Krab is closed!

'Squidward': You mean I got out of bed for nothing?

SpongeBob: The doors are locked. The doors are locked and we are on the outside. Outsiders. What are we going to do, Squidward? There are krabby patties inside all alone.

Mr. Krabs: Just stand aside, lad, and let me unlock the door but my back is killing like pain.

SpongeBob: (faces comes out his backside) Mr. Krabs, you're here! (jumping around) Gosh, Mr. Krabs, we were worried something might have happened to you. That the world would've never been deprived of the greatest food known to man.

Mr. Krabs: (drops his keys) Oh, you made me drop me keys. Give me some space, lad. Can't a crab get a little space now?

SpongeBob: (cries) I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs.

Squidward: Harsh. (laughs)

Mr. Krabs: (breaks his back) Arrgh, me back!

SpongeBob: Are you hurt, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: No. I'm just doubled over in pain, fightin back tears in me eyes because it's a new dance craze.

SpongeBob: Oh good, I thought you were hurt.

Mr. Krabs: I am hurt, ya idiot! (SpongeBob cries) I'm sorry I snapped at ya, laddie. It's just me back is killing me. It's me old, lumpy mattress. It's like trying to sleep on broken coral. I'm going out of me mind. (back breaks again) Oh, me back.

SpongeBob: Poor Mr. Krabs. What are we going to do, Squidward?

Squidward: Why do anything? I like the new Mr. Krabs. He yells at you more. (laughs)

SpongeBob: I'm serious, Squidward.

Squidward: So am I.

SpongeBob: We should get Mr Krabs a new mattress and surprise him with it as a gift. Then we'll never have to be late to work again.

Squidward: What? You want me to spend my hard earned money on my richer than me skin Flynn boss? No, thank you. (enters Krusty Krab)

SpongeBob: That's ok, Squidward, you'll warm up to the idea. (later) Thanks for coming with me, Patrick.

Patrick: No problem, buddy. I always wanted to go to a mattress store. (both enter store and gasp)

SpongeBob: I've never seen so many mattress.

Patrick: Yeah.

SpongeBob: How many do you think there are?

Patrick: (looks around and thinks) 10.

SpongeBob: Cool.

Employee: There's plenty more than that. Try them out. Find one you like.

(SpongeBob jumps on a mattress but Patrick shakes his head. Patrick lays down on a mattress but sinks into it as SpongeBob shakes his head. SpongeBob falls on his back on a rock-hard mattress. Patrick sits in a racecar bed then a crashing sound is heard. SpongeBob sits on a bunch of needles and the employee holds up a first-aid kit. Finally, Patrick sits on a mattress that rotates in rolling from side to side. Now back at the Krusty Krab where SpongeBob and Patrick are laughing)

Squidward: What are you morons doing?

SpongeBob: Making a card for Mr. Krabs. To go with his new mattress.

Squidward: Oh, I see. You're just kissing up to the boss to make me look bad. Well, I won't stand for it. Gimme that card. (signs card) Trying to outsmart me, will ya? (licks envelope) There, I signed it for all of us.

Patrick: Hey, you didn't even help pay.

SpongeBob: Oh, that's ok, as long as Mr. Krabs is happy with his new mattress. (later at Mr. Krabs house)

Mr. Krabs: Oh, me back. Well, here goes another useless attempt to sleep on me mount less, lumpy mattress. (lays on his mattress) Huh, that's queer. Me mattress seems strangely cozy and butter-like... (falls asleep)

SpongeBob, Patrick & Squidward: Surprise!

Mr. Krabs: What? Oh, you? What in the blue eye scallop are you doing in me bedroom?

SpongeBob: We noticed how miserable you were on your lumpy, old mattress.

Squidward: So I suggested we get you a new one.

Patrick: (talking to SpongeBob) I thought it was your idea.

Mr. Krabs: So, where's me old mattress then?

Squidward: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs, I took care of that personally, too. I had it hauled away to the dump.

Mr. Krabs: (jumps on Squidward) All my money was in that mattress.

Squidward: What? Haven't you ever heard of a bank?

Mr. Krabs: No! (walks backward, hits his lamp and trashes some books)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: No! (faints)

Patrick: And we got you a card. Mr. Krabs: Is there money in it?

Patrick: Nope. (Mr. Krabs faints again. Later, at the hospital)

SpongeBob: Is it serious, doctor? Will Mr. Krabs be alright?

Doctor: Mr. Krabs is in cash-coma. Only the return of his money can save his life.

Squidward: It was SpongeBob’s fault. Getting Mr. Krabs a new mattress was his idea.

Patrick: I knew it!

Police Officer: Not so fast!. (holds up get well card) This card says 'This was all my idea. Love, Squid-ward'. If Mr. Krabs doesn't pull through, you're going to jail.

Squidward: Ooh...you did this, SquarePants! If you don't get Mr. Krabs mattress back from the dump, I'm going to murd... (officer clears throat) ....help you do it myself without help.

'Patrick:' Wow, he really does care. (later at the dump)

Patrick: What a dump.

SpongeBob: We gotta get in there, Squidward. Mr. Krabs is counting on us.

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, isn't that the mattress over there?

SpongeBob: Terrific, Patrick, you found it!

Squidward: What? Where? Lemme see. Where?

SpongeBob: There it is Squidward, underneath that really big guard worm.

Squidward: Oh, that figures. (later at the hospital)

Doctor: Oh no, this is horrible.

Nurse: What is it, doctor?

Doctor: This man has no insurance.

Nurse: He'll never be able to afford this room!

Doctor: You're right, nurse. Extract the patient to the hallway. Stat! (Mr. Krabs is pushed into a snack machine)

SpongeBob: Well, that's Mr. Krabs mattress, alright. Let's go get it.

Squidward: Okay, here's the plan: you two quietly go in there, remove the mattress out from the guard worm without... waking... the worm.

Patrick: Why not?

SpongeBob: Because that would be rude, Patrick.

Squidward: And nothing's meaner than a junkyard worm. He'll eat you alive!

Patrick: Hey, wait a minute, what are you gonna do?

Squidward: Oh, I've got the most important job. I'm going to keep watch to make sure it's safe.

Patrick: Gee, thanks buddy.

Squidward: My pleasure. Now let's gets a move on. (laughs)

SpongeBob: (Patrick climbs the fence) Ah, isn't it beautiful, Patrick? You can see everything from up here.

Patrick: Wow. (both sigh)

Squidward: What are you morons doing?

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, I think I can see our houses from here.

Patrick: Where? I can't see them. (fence flips around to where Squidward is inside and SpongeBob & Patrick are outside)

SpongeBob & Patrick: Wow. (both laugh)

Patrick: Let's do it again. (SpongeBob and Patrick continue laughing)

Squidward: What did you idiots do?

Patrick: Squidward, what are you doing in there? You were suppose to keep watch.

SpongeBob: Yeah, and you woke up the guard worm too.

Squidward: I didn't do it! You blockheads woke...the...worm. (screams as the worm attacks him) (later at the hospital)

Doctor #2: Doctor?

Doctor #1: Yes, doctor?

Doctor #2: Regarding your patient, doctor. I have come to this conclusion.

Doctor #1: Yes, go on.

Doctor #2: We have to surgically remove him out from in front of the candy machine so we can get to the nutty nut bar.

Doctor #1: Of course. Nurse?

Nurse: I'm on it. (wheels Mr Krabs outside the hospital) (later at the dump)

SpongeBob: (climbing down a rope with Patrick to get inside the gate) Worm-bait to the retriever. Worm bait to the retriever. We're in. Out.

Squidward: Retriever to worm bait, stay in. Don't go out.

SpongeBob: Understood. Out.

Squidward: No! In! Out.

SpongeBob: Understood. Out.

Squidward: Oh, look, you're at the far side of the dump, right?

SpongeBob: Affirmative.

Squidward: Good. Then make lots of noise to draw the guard worm away from the mattress so I can retrieve it.

SpongeBob: Affirmative. Out. Oh, that's why he calls himself 'The Retriever'.

Patrick: Why are we called 'Worm-bait?'

SpongeBob: I dunno. (ululating with Patrick. Then both uses pots and pans to make loud noises that draws the guard worm away)

Squidward: And my perfect plan falls into place. (laughs)

Patrick: (continues ululating with SpongeBob) Uhh, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick?

Patrick: I think I know why our code name is "Worm-bait". (guard worm rushes up and growls at them both until it notices the wooden spoon in SpongeBob’s hand)

SpongeBob: Nice worm. Good, kind, gentle worm. (worms eyes turn into an image of the wooden spoon)

Patrick: Ohh, SpongeBob, he likes your wooden spoon.

SpongeBob: (SpongeBob raises the spoon then lowers the spoon as the worms eyes follow where the spoon is) Wow, I think you're right, Patrick.

Patrick: See if he plays catch.

SpongeBob: Ok, see the stick boy? (throws spoon) Go get it, boy! (worm chases after spoon)

Squidward: Coast is clear. Squiddy, you are a genius. (wooden spoon hits Squidward in the head) Ouch. What the...? Hey, I needed a wooden spoon. I'll just keep it safe from harm in my back pocket. (places spoon in back pocket) And now for the mattress. (worm bites Squidward in the butt) I should've guessed. (worm attacks Squidward) (back at the hospital)

Administrator Flotsam: Excuse me, doctor.

Doctor: Administrator Flotsam, what can I do for you?

Administrator Flotsam: It has come to my attention that your patient, Mr. Krabs, is outside on the front sidewalk.

Doctor: Yes, yes he is.

Administrator Flotsam: What were you thinking, man? We're trying to run a business. We can't leave patients on the sidewalk.

Doctor: Not to worry. Nurse!

Nurse: I'm on it. (pushes Mr. Krabs away from the hospital) (back at the dump)

Squidward: Alright, you two, what's the holdup?

SpongeBob: We feel silly.

Squidward: Come on, do it for old man Krabs.

SpongeBob: Okay. (SpongeBob & Patrick jump out of the portable potty in steak costumes) Can you explain the plan again, Squidward?

Squidward: Sure, but first, put on this cologne.

SpongeBob: (reads label) Steak sauce? (shrugs shoulders and puts the sauces on his body)

Squidward: Ok, so you are dressed as 'Choice-Cuts.' You go in there and yell 'Trick or Treat!'. The worm will realize he forgot to stock up on Halloween candy, he'll leave to buy some then we take the mattress.

Patrick: Gimme that cologne. (Patrick puts the sauces on his body)

Squidward: Now get in there!

SpongeBob: Happy Halloween, Squidward!

Squidward: I am not going to get hurt this time. (hears some rattling in the distance. Its Mr. Krabs on his hospital bed rolling down the street into the dump) Isn't that Mr. Krabs? (screams as Mr. Krabs runs over Squidward, crashes through the gate, runs into a rock causing the bed to flip him over in front of his mattress. Guard worm growls)

Patrick: That guard worm doesn't look very happy.

SpongeBob: Run, Mr. Krabs! Run like you're not in a coma!

Mr. Krabs: (sniffs around) It's...me money! (guard worm snarls as Mr. Krabs sends the worm into the air and off the mattress) Oh, money. I promise I'll never leave you alone again.

SpongeBob: Hey, Mr. Krabs. (Mr. Krabs jumps on his mattress and barks) No, Mr. Krabs, it's us!

Patrick: Trick or treat.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, hey, SpongeBob. I didn't recognize you. Say, why are you two dressed like meat?

SpongeBob: Not just meat, we're 'Choice Cuts.' Right, Squidward?

Squidward: Oh, I give up. (guard worm lands in Squidward’s arm snarling at him. Squidward runs off as the worm chases him)