Love, Wisconsin Style

ERIC: “So Mr. Hamond said it was fine for me to miss class 'cause I'm already getting an A.

So just as you suspected mom, I am better than everybody!”

KITTY: “All I know is that my little boy was very brave at the dentist's today. Wasn't he?

Yes he was my little snickelfritz.”

ERIC: “Okay, mom, when a man reaches a certain age, the baby voice no longer comforts him. It urges him to kill.”

DONNA and CASEY come in. DONNA stumbles into a chair, making it fall. CASEY puts it back up.

CASEY: “Let's get you some coffee, nobody pukes in the Trans Am.”

DONNA: “Mrs. Forman, uh oh you look mad! What did Eric do? Bad Eric!”

KITTY: “Donna, why aren't you in school?”

CASEY: “No worries, I called her in sick, told them lady troubles, no questions asked.”

DONNA laughs and almost falls. ERIC catches her.

ERIC: “Hey easy there wobbles.”

KITTY: “Have you been drinking?”

DONNA: “I hope so, 'cause if not, this whole place is spinning! Hang on boys, it's a twister!”

OPENING CREDITS

THE BASEMENT

ERIC: “So, my mom and I were at the hub getting ice cream and we caught Donna with Casey skipping school. And she was drunk! In the middle of the afternoon! It was like Sue Ellen on Dallas!”

HYDE: “You went to the hub for ice cream with your mommy? Now why would you tell me that?”

FEZ: “Hyde, the point is he went for ice cream. Without us! You cannot pick up a phone?”

KELSO: “You know who can't pick up a phone? Jackie! I broke up with her and she never calls to even say hi or offer me sad but hot break up sex! I mean that's just selfish!”

ERIC: “Guys, my mom's over at the Pinciotti's right now telling Bob about Donna being drunk. You can't do that kind of stuff in the middle of the afternoon. It'll mess up with your... your... your thinking thing! Oh, you know what I'm saying!”

HYDE: “Yeah, you gotta stay sharp man. That's why I keep myself pure 'til 3 o' clock...

Two o'clock. That's why I keep myself pure until two o'clock. I'm not even wearing a watch!”

THE DRIVEWAY

ERIC: “Hey, you know what? Donna getting busted is actually great for me because now she's gotta realize what a jackass Casey is! And when she dumps him, I'll be standing right here with open arms and a gentle I told you so.”

KELSO nods.

ERIC: “Oh yeah, that could happen. After all, I made that girl a woman.”

KELSO: “I made Jackie a woman - like a thousand times.”

FEZ: “We stole dead fish.”

KELSO: “Dead fish? What are you gonna do with dead fish?”

HYDE: “You're missing the point man! We stole dead fish!”

FEZ: “Oh, you just don't get it.”

JACKIE: “Hey.”

KELSO: “Hey.”

JACKIE: “I just came by...”

KELSO: “I missed you.”

BOTH: “What?”

JACKIE: “Did you say you missed me?”

KELSO: “No.”

JACKIE: “Look, just say you missed me!”

KELSO: “Fine I miss you.”

JACKIE: “Michael, I miss you too. And look I was thinking, since we broke up because I kissed another guy, what if I let you kiss another girl. I mean we could be even and we could get back together.”

KELSO: “Jackie, if you think that me kissing another girl is gonna bring us closer together, I'm totally willing to make that sacrifice.”

JACKIE: “Thank you Michael.”

KELSO: “I better go wash my face.”

KELSO tosses the basketball to HYDE.

FEZ: “This fish is so stinky! What are we gonna do with the stinky?”

HYDE: “We're gonna find a place to hide the stinky and ruin someone's day. Now, question is: Where, how, who?”

HYDE tosses the ball towards the van and the hub cap falls off.

HYDE: “The answer is there, that and Kelso!”

FEZ: “Oh, it's like a bowl. A bowl for the stinky. And we will put it and he'll never find it and

it will smell forever!”

DONNA’S BEDROOM

BOB: “What the hell is going on with you? You're grounded! No arguments!”

DONNA: “Dad, I'm not grounded.”

BOB: “Okay, then whatever you think is best.”

JOANNE: “No! Not whatever she thinks is best. Young lady, you are grounded!”

DONNA: “Hey, You're not my mother, you have no say in what I do.”

BOB: “Well, she just got you there.”

THE HUB

KELSO: “Let's see, which chick do I want to kiss?”

JACKIE: “No, no, no, no Michael! I get to pick the girl.”

KELSO: “But you'll pick an ugo!”

JACKIE: “You are calling no ugos.”

KELSO: “I just thought of something. Your plan is good and all, but what if the

girl you choose doesn't wanna kiss me.”

THEY BOTH start laughing.

KELSO: “Doesn't wanna kiss me!”

FORMAN KITCHEN

BOB: “And then I told Donna she was grounded and she said no.”

KITTY: “She said no?”

ERIC: “Can you do that?”

RED: “No!”

BOB: “I need your help Red. I gotta get Donna away from that guy!”

ERIC: “Oh, dad, you know what's good? Threaten her with the old foot in the ass!”

KITTY: “You know, that Casey. How could such a bad influence live in such a handsome package? Bad people should have a big scar and an eye patch so you could recognize them!”

BOB: “The problem is, you know there's a point where your kids just realize you can do nothing to control them.”

ERIC: “There is?”

RED: “No! Now stop listening! Bob, I just don't wanna get involved. I've got enough problems with the fourteen kids who think they live here!”

FORMAN DRIVEWAY

FEZ: “Why do I have to hold the fish?”

HYDE: “'Cause that's what the little buddy does. Oh, oh! Someone's coming.”

THEY hide behind the van.

CASEY: “So this guy comes over and says his Z28 is the same car as my Trans Am except for the decals.”

DONNA: “How can people be so ignorant?”

BOB: “I see you Donna! I see you!”

DONNA: “Dad!”

BOB: “Don't you dad me. You're not going anywhere not with this guy. You're grounded again!”

KELSO and JACKIE join the rest of them. Everyone is in the driveway.

KELSO: “How much did we miss?”

HYDE: “Shh, just started!”

DONNA: “Dad, I'm gonna do whatever I want with whoever I want whenever I wanna do it!”

BOB: “We have to have a talk right now Donna!”

CASEY: “Mr. Pinciotti, sir, let me just say you're making a lot of sense here, and I think that when I bring Donna home tonight, you two ought to sit down and really hammer this thing out.”

BOB: “Okay, that sounds fair…”

ALL: “OHH!”

ERIC: “You're just gonna let her go off with him?”

BOB: “What else can I do?”

RED: “Oh, good god! That's it! Everybody in the living room. NOW!”

RED blocks the way for JACKIE, KELSO, HYDE and FEZ. BOB stops with them.

RED: “Not you!”

RED goes in and BOB stays out. RED comes back out.

RED: “Bob get in here!”

THE FORMAN LIVINGROOM

RED: “Donna, what has gotten into you? Skipping school, showing no respect for your

father!”

BOB: “That's right!”

RED: “Shut up Bob.”

KITTY comes from the kitchen and sets a bowl of appetizers on the table.

KITTY: “Okay, here's snacks! So, anybody need a drink?”

CASEY: “I'll take a rum and coke for the road.”

ERIC: “Buddy, buddy, a little tip, I think booze is what got you into trouble in the first place!”

RED: “How could you take this girl out drinking in the middle of the day!”

CASEY: “You know how it is, all the older girls were at work.”

ERIC: “Can I say this guy is not boyfriend material!”

BOB: “I agree. You're not going out with him anymore. You two are done!”

DONNA: “No!”

CASEY: “Alright.”

DONNA: “What?”

CASEY: “You gotta admit this has been a real hassle! I mean it was fun and you're a great girl, but let's just call it a day.”

ERIC: “Wait, you're breaking up with her?”

DONNA: “But Casey, I thought you said... You know... That you loved me.”

CASEY: “I have this thing when I say stuff I don't really mean.”

DONNA: “Casey!”

CASEY: “Look, Donna, I see where you're getting at but I'm not that type of guy.

Mrs. Forman, let's say we rain-check that rum and coke.”

ERIC: “Donna, I'm really sorry.”

DONNA: “You're not sorry, that's exactly what you wanted!”

DONNA gets up and runs towards the kitchen door, which she slams in KELSO’s head. The other four heard everything from there.

THE BASEMENT

KITTY: “Eric, there's someone here to see you.”

ERIC: “Hi.”

DONNA: “Hi.”

KITTY: “Alright, can I get anyone a snack?”

ERIC: “Mom!”

KITTY: “Right.Right, have to stop doing that!”

SHE goes out the back door.

ERIC: “So, how are you?”

DONNA: “Humiliated. I'm such an idiot. I got dumped in front of the whole world! I don't, I don't even know what I've said to your mom at the hub and I hate it that she saw me like that. What is wrong with me?”

ERIC: “Hey, nothing. Your mom left, come on, you're allowed to freak out.”

DONNA: “Everybody warned me about Casey and I fell for him anyway. I mean he's such a jackass!”

ERIC: “I really really wanted you to figure that out. Just not like this.”

DONNA: “Eric, I'm just, I'm so sorry!”

DONNA starts crying.

ERIC: “Hey.”

THEY hug.

DONNA: “I was so stupid!”

THEY pull apart and DONNA kisses him. ERIC kisses her back.

DONNA: “Eric, we should be together!”

ERIC: “Wait, what?”

DONNA: “Let's just like forget all this other stuff happened.”

SHE hugs him.

ERIC: “Wait, wait. Donna, I mean if you come running back to me now. Donna I

can't be your second choice.”

DONNA: “But you're not! Eric...”

HE shakes his head and SHE goes to the door sobbing. SHE opens the door and KITTY falls in.

KITTY: “Oh! Where am I?”

DONNA and KITTY go out.

THE HUB

KELSO: “How about I kiss her?”

JACKIE: “No way. She's too tall, too tanned, too rich!”

KELSO: “Damn Jackie! I don't wanna kiss a short pale poor girl!”

JACKIE: “Okay look Michael, all I know is that I don't wanna stay broken up. Oh, okay, you know what? You choose! Kiss any girl you want!”

KELSO kisses HER.

KELSO: “I choose you.”

JACKIE: “Michael, that is the most romantic thing I've ever read, heard about or seen on

TV.”

KELSO: “Yeah, it was pretty romantic. I could tell while I was doing it.”

JACKIE sighs and sits down.

KELSO: “What?”

JACKIE: “No, it's just, look, one week you break up with me, and the next week you're prince charming?”

KELSO: “I'm an incredibly complex man Jackie.”

JACKIE: “Michael, I can't do this anymore! Look, Michael if you wanna choose me,

then choose me, I mean really choose me. Let's get married.”

KELSO doesn’t respond for a second. HE’s in shock.

KELSO: “What?”

JACKIE: “Michael all our problems are because we haven't decided we're gonna be together forever. So let's decide.”

KELSO: “Hold on, you wanna get married?!”

JACKIE: “Yes Michael, yes I accept! Oh my god! I've gotta go tell my dad and you, you have to buy a ring. Just think about it! We are gonna be the Burkhardt-Kelsos.”

SHE runs off.

KELSO: “The who-hearts what-os?”

THE HUB’S PARKING LOT

FEZ and HYDE are crouched, putting the fish in the hub caps.

JACKIE: “Michael and I are getting married!”

HYDE: “Yeah, we heard! That's why we're decorating the van!”

FEZ: “But not with fish.”

HYDE punches him.

FEZ: “Aii!”

FORMAN KITCHEN

RED: “Let me get this straight! Donna wanted to get back together and you said no?”

ERIC: “I said no.”

RED: “You said no!”

KITTY: “Dumbass!”

ERIC: “Look, I have my reasons, okay?”

KITTY: “What could they be, what could they possibly be?”

ERIC: “Casey dumps her and she comes to me. Okay, I'm not a rebound!”

RED: “So you're too proud to take her back? And what do you have to be so proud of? You're

not an athlete, the only smart thing about you is your mouth. And look at you!”

KITTY: “Red, Red, he looks fine! He's just so darn stupid! I'm very upset.”

ERIC: “Well stop, okay? Because I already feel bad enough as it is.”

KITTY: “Well you should!”

ERIC: “Well, I do! I love her.”

HE puts his chair back near the kitchen table.

ERIC: “God, why do I always have to screw these thing up you know? Why does everything always have to be my way? That's why we broke up in the first place!”

KITTY: “Well, we've all known that for a year!”

ERIC: “Okay, I have to tell Donna how I feel.”

HE doesn’t move.

RED: “Then go!”

HE leaves.

KITTY: “Oh Red!”

RED: “I know. We're never gonna get him out of the house.”

DONNA’S BEDROOM

ERIC: “Donna! Oh, hello Mr. Pinciotti Mrs. ... I'm sorry Joanne, I don't know your last name.

I have something to tell you guys. I love Donna.”

JOANNE: “Well, she isn't here. We don't know where she is. And it's Stupack.”

ERIC: “Well, if it's okay, I'll just wait.”

BOB: “Sure, I always liked you.”

ERIC: “Oh, thank you sir.”

BOB: “But do me a favor. Don't play with her undergarments.”

THE HUB’S PARKING LOT

KELSO: “Something reeks! Man! Where you going?”

DONNA: “Bus station. I'm going to my mom's in California.”

KELSO: “Oh my god, you're running away!”

DONNA: “I don't know what else to do.”

KELSO: “No, I know how you feel. Jackie wants to get married. To me!”

DONNA: “What?”

KELSO: “Look, a lot of people don't know this about us, but Jackie's pretty much in charge.”

DONNA looks at him.

KELSO: “So it might happen! But it won't happen if I'm not here. You know what, I'll drive you. We'll both go to California!”

DONNA: “Kelso, are you up for this?”

KELSO: “Hey if the Beverly Hillbillies can do it, so can I.”

DONNA: “Great, let's go.”

THEY get in.

DONNA: “Oh my god, what stinks?”

KELSO: “This town baby. And we're leaving that smell behind!”

THEY leave.

DONNA’S BEDROOM

ERIC is still waiting for her.

TAG:

KELSO’S VAN

KELSO reaches for Donna's breast. SHE wakes up and slaps his hand away.

DONNA: “KELSO! I'm not gonna tell you again!”

KELSO: “I was just reaching for my soda. Damn! Man Iowa smells like fish too.”

DONNA: “I should've taken the bus!”

THE END