Postcards from the Wedge

D'oh. How will the springfielder of the future get around town? Will he be like bus-stop Bill, caught out in the rain? Or will he be like subway Sam, packed like a tuna on the Springfield metro line? Here he can rub shoulders with fellow businessmen and share their deadly germs. These two men might as well be kissing. Is there no way to get to work in comfort, safety and style? Well, it looks like Motorcar Mel's got the answer. He's cruising at 130 miles an hour in a plutonium-powered auto on the spacious skyway of tomorrow. And it's got plenty of room for all of Mrs. Mel's shopping. All that's left is to pick Junior up from school. Looks like that robot arm needs a little adjustment. Well, that concludes... I don't really know what that was. Now please take out your homework. Homework? What homework? We had to build a Hopi lndian pueblo. Mine features indigenous Hopi songs. ♪ And a hie na ho na hey. ♪ What's this? A promoter has arrived to entice the tribe to perform in a Wild West show. Unfortunately, the chief doesn't read the contract very carefully. The good news is, over a hundred years later, a brilliant little boy receives an "A" for his amazing presentation. Ah... Bravo, Martin. Bravo. Well, let's see what the rest of you dullards have to offer. Uh-oh. Oh. Damn it. Okay, don't panic. I can build one of those things from the crap in my desk. Bart Simpson, you've had three months to do this project. You started 30 seconds ago. Thank you. Thank you. I'm not complimenting you. You've destroyed every ideal I've had about teaching since I saw "To Sir, with Love" as a little girl. Ha-ha. You're old. I saw it on video in the '80s. Outdated medium. I stand by my ha-ha. Bart, I'm sending your parents a letter. "Irresponsible, unprepared, bad seed..." Good guy. "Bad guy." Signed... stamped and sealed. So, can I deliver that to the office for you? Hah. I wasn't born yesterday. Hah. Tell me about it. Ugh. Martin? Outgoing mail slot. Now. Got to stop that letter. Oh, fire alarm. Ooh, that means firemen. Sixth-graders? No!!! I'm sure it's a training bra. PG-13. I have an unwanted boner. Yes. Hoisting a bag. Ay, there's no better feeling on earth. Now what are you up to? Whatever happened to "Hi"? Hi. Now what are you up to? A letter's coming from school, and I need to be home to keep Mom and Dad from getting it. Mom. I have a fever. Ooh, 103. No school today. Then again, there's only one way to get a truly accurate reading. Bart, pants. Just close your eyes and think of Milhouse. Yup. 103 on the dot. You're staying home. How did you...? I don't want to talk about it. I got to get that letter before Mom and Dad do. Stay focused. Focused. Focused. Focused. Oh. Credit card offer, overdue bill, credit card offer, overdue bill. Huh? What's this? What the...? You're a month behind on homework? I tried really hard to stop you from finding out. Does that help? A little! These are Bart's uncompleted homework assignments for the last month: worksheets, problem sets, book reports, math jumbles, dioramas, topic sentences, conclusions, bibliographies, synonyms, mean-the-sames, define-a-likes, word twins and one Thanksgiving hand-turkey. One month? That's a heavy workload for a fourth grader. I say this boy needs more homework. I don't have to do it with him, do I? No. Pile it on. I want him to be Korean by the time he's done. Hmm. Clean dishes. I either have to unload them, or, uh... Oh. Thanks for doing the dishes. No problem. You can unload. You know, I think Bart might have too much homework. If they keep overwhelming him, he might be turned off school forever. Oh, my. A child who doesn't enjoy school? Hello? Hollywood? You want to buy the movie rights to this incredible story? A million dollars? Deal. Oh, now I have to write it. Digibot, Go-go-goman has the crystal life ball. Wow, how does this show stay so fresh? Hey. You're supposed to be doing your homework. No more TV for you. Until your homework is done, the only place your butt is safe from my foot is in that chair. Oh. It's okay, Bart. Just do a couple vocabulary words, then come have some milk and cookies. But Dad said I had to finish my... Never mind what he said. You just listen to me. Hey, Lis, Mom and Dad just told me two different things. How is that possible? Well, sometimes people who agree on most things have one issue that they disagree strongly about. In politics, it's called a wedge issue, like illegal immigration or gay marriage. Wait a minute. Can I play them against each other so I don't have to do any homework at all? You would mess up Mom and Dad's marriage just to get out of doing some homework? Hey, hey, I would end all life on this planet just to get out of doing fractions. Fractions aren't that hard. You just have to find a common denominator. For example, one half plus one third equals... End... all... life... on... this... planet! You'll need to know fractions to make that explosion! I don't care. Oh, so much homework. Childhood slipping away. Bart, put down those books and go play this instant. If you say so. Right on time. Grape soda: shaken, not stirred. Let's roll. Dear Lord, please give my stubborn husband the wisdom to see that I am right as usual. Too late, Marge. I already used a prayer block on your prayer. There's no such thing as prayer blocks. Yeah, right. ♪ Fight, fight, fight, the Itchy and Scratchy Show. ♪ Hey, why aren't you doing your homework? I said he could take a break. The violence really relaxes me. You don't get to relax till you get to the bottom of this homework stack. Don't contradict me in front of our son. Well, don't be wrong in front of our son. Oh, yeah? Well... Let's have lunch at Crouching Tiger Hidden Eggroll. Hmm. No line, near the men's room. I see no reason to question your choice. Smooth move, Mom, tricking Dad into having lunch at the one place that doesn't serve beer. What the...? Then I want to eat at... Moe's Express. By express, I mean that you express your anger and hatred. The last time you ate there, you spent three nights in the mall jail. That was last week, and you're still bringing it up. Well, you always miss when you throw your underpants at the hamper. Well, how could I ever hit the hamper if you don't let me practice? You practiced all day on my birthday. Fine. I was gonna apologize, but now I'm not going to. You were never going to apologize. I was, too. The words were in my brain. You're wrong, and whenever you're wrong, you just spout gibberish. Congratulations. You're officially a sociopath. Hey, at least I'm on a path. I don't mind if you pee in the shower, but only if you're taking a shower. No freedom. I have no freedom around this house. After sex, I am not talking to you. Well, then there won't be any sex. You can't sex fire me, I sex quit. Got to stay mad. The next morning is where the fight is won or lost. Freeze him out. It's cold in Marge's doghouse, baby. I just think when two people disagree, the big jerk ought to apologize. You know, Marge, Maude and I had a fight right before she died. Neddy, when you're drying your hands with our monogrammed towels, can you use the "NF" towel, not the "MF"? You know, maybe I should use a towel marked "BDD": big diddily deal. It might not be a "big diddily deal" to you, Neddy, but I don't think it's very hard to use the towel that has your initials. I play that fight over in my mind a thousand times a day. Must win fight. Must win fight. Let me say to you all, I'm pretty sure this is not a dream. Oh, my God, I killed her. I've got to apologize. Once again, sleeping at work has saved my marriage. Compromise has no place in a marriage. Stick to your guns. And if he leaves, you'll be free and happy, like us. Yes. Happy. So happy. Hmm. I'm going to find my husband. Don't depress the kids. That pacifier's the last true friend you'll have. Must apologize. Must apologize. I'm sorry we ever fought. We can't let Bart drive us apart. He's the reason we had to get married. Till the two of us are back on track, Bart can fend for himself. Bart? Bart who? I'm being cute. It's working. Put down some flares, boys. We're gonna be here a while. Awesome breakfast, Marge. Breakfast in bed is so much better than breakfast in a chair. Mmm. I'm going to go paste your heads back into the family photos. I've got them right here. Dad, I know you're going to say no, but Mom would say... Whatever. Knock yourself out. What do you mean? You might not realize this, Bart, but your mother and I have been fighting about you a lot lately. And I've realized our marriage is more important than your future. From now on, you're on your own. Really? Okay. Uh, Marge? I don't want to ruin the moment, but you got something stuck between your... Oh. Ah, a peaceful Saturday afternoon, with no Bart Simpson, and no Milhouse, for that matter. Nothing on my agenda but to sit here and watch hummingbirds. Sugar water? Now, why would someone... Their tiny tongues are like knives. Big mistake. Attacking me outside school hours and property. Legally, I can spank your bare bottoms. Follow me. You can't hide forever, and I'm a very patient man. I once waited an hour and a half for a haircut. Whoa, what is this place? Remember that time I was carried off by groundhogs? This is where I wound up. Behold, an ancient subway station. I never knew Springfield had a subway. It's like a Thomas the Tank Engine we can go inside. With no Sir Topham Hatt to tell us what we can and can't do. Whoa. Whoa, whoa. Which flavor do I save: the Radical Red or the Blueberry Blast? Oh, curse this Squishee's choice. I love watching you knit. It reminds me of watching pictures download on our old dial-up modem. Remember that day we brought it home, and it was all... eeee... ooo... eee... ooo. Oh, my God, Homie, we're having a real conversation. Yeah. Eeee.... ooo. Oh, you won't believe how I got home. Don't know, don't care. You don't even want to know if I have anything to do with this mysterious seismic activity of late? Nope. I'm saving my yelling for where it does some good. Lisa! You're a wonderful child! Keep up the good work! Thanks, Dad. But you're so loud, it's hurting my ears. Sorry! It's weird. I just made an entire town lose its lunch. And? And I'm not feeling the rush. Tell me more. Something's missing. Am I broken? Jump with me. Bart, at the end of the day, if your parents aren't p.o. 'd, you haven't really pranked. You got to take it up a notch. Really? If no one's getting mad, are you really being bad? Think about it. Wow. I know. The tremors are tearing her apart. One more shake, and the whole school could come down. Seymour, do something. Destroy the school, eh? That's what I'm talkin' about. Man, those textbooks really burn. "Mom and Dad, Bart is going to use the old subway to destroy Springfield Elementary." And there's a map of the subway system attached. Homer, we've got to stop him. But, Marge, I thought we were chilling out for the sake of our marriage. We're going to have to be good parents to our son and work twice as hard on our marriage. Fine. I'll do both at once. We should both take a role in vacation planning. Oh, she's coming down. Oh, Lord, let me finish this hallway, then you can send me to hell a happy man. Bart! Oh, there's a nickel. Destroy. Destroy. Boy, look at that ironwork. Well, I'll be. There's a sofa in here. It's stuck. Must... squeeze... harder. Nah... Why you little.... Whoo-hoo! The school is saved. Unfurl the flag. Mister, you are grounded. And no TV. And I'm taking all the exciting colors out of your crayons. And when you're out of my sight, you must constantly Twitter me exactly what you are up to, even though I don't know what Twitter is and have no desire to find out. Ah, you guys are the meanest parents ever. Thank you. Life stinks, huh? Totally. Mom said she was tipped off by a note from me. But you know something? I didn't write this note. That's ridiculous. If you didn't write it, who in the world could have? You wanted to get caught. Really? How can you be so sure? Elementary, my dear Simpson. Leave it to you to misspell a word you see first thing every morning. But don't worry. Your secret's safe with me. As far as Mom and Dad know, you're just a soulless little psycho. Thanks, Lis. Anytime. So our family of the future is once again together and happy. Mom brings Dad the evening paper... one of six editions printed daily. Want to know what happened in China yesterday? Read the paper. And if Mom and Dad want a little privacy, Junior can be flash-frozen until further notice, because this is the most wonderful world of all-- the world of tomorrow.