The Beverly Hillbillies

(growling) (howls) I swear, if you don't learn to share this honey, I'm gonna give you a real whompin'. Now, go on! - (boy) Is the doctor in? - No doubt about it. What's ailing you, Fat Elmer? I ate too much cheese. Now I can't burp. Can you fix me, Granny? (belches, then farts) (dog barks) Dang. Before I sign anything, I wanna know how much money we're talkin' about. Mr Clampett, there's more petroleum in your swamp than there is in all of Kuwait. That bad, huh? Mr Clampett, you are sitting on the biggest domestic oil strike in history. And when you sign these contracts, we're going to pay you one billion dollars. Do you have anybody who can advise you on these contracts? Cousin Jethro's coming for Sunday supper, Pa. He's the one with the learning. He went to school at Oxford. (# "White Lightnin"' by Joe Diffie) - Jethro? - Yes, Ma? Did you fix those bare-as-bones brakes? Course. I pulled 'em off yesterday. The new ones are coming in the mail next week. (screams) - Jethro! - Howdy, Granny. You dad-blame, simple-minded yahoo! Your crack-pluckin' head's emptier than last year's bird's nest! If your head was filled with dynamite, you wouldn't know how to blow your nose! - Granny! - Just get out of my sight! Jedediah, you're fixing to be the richest man in this here county. Look at how you live. Your land's overrun with snakes and skunks. You've got no TV, no telephone and no radio. You're right, Pearl. We are living in paradise. No, Jed. Paradise is someplace like... Beverly Hills, California. They got swimming pools and movie stars. - And smog. - What's a smog? I reckon it's a small hog. Now, think about your daughter. You need to get remarried and she needs a mom, someone to teach her womanly ways. She's runnin' wild, Jed. She's no different than a boy. Imagine that. Elly May wearing fancy dresses and acting ladylike! Well, that don't sound like much fun. (Jethro laughs mockingly) Beverly Hills. (Pearl) Listen to what I'm saying, Jed. It would be the best thing for y'all. Just pack up all your belongings and move on out. Jethro could drive you out in the truck. I ain't drivin' in no movin' vehicle with no dunderhead! I ain't no dunderhead. Come on, put me down! Set him down. - (Pearl) See what I mean? - (Jed) Who are you, mister? Ozark Mountain Oil. Mr Briggs sent me to see if you'd signed the contract. Elly May Clampett. Well, that's it. I've made my decision. For the good of this here family, I'm movin' us to Beverly Hills. Don't you worry, Elly May. We're gonna take good care of your critters for you. - Thanks, Sam. I know you will. - (sobs) Oh, Ma. What's all this I hear about you not wanting to go to California? I like it here. There ain't nothin' you can do to get me off of this rockin' chair. I ain't goin' nowhere! Cut me loose! - Jedediah, I'm gonna skin you alive! - Hush up, Granny. Get goin', boy, before she breaks loose. (# "Ballad of Jed Clampett" by Jerry Scroggins) (Jethro) Watch your head, Granny! There are so many people in this here town. It's gonna take a long time to meet everybody. Hey, nice wheels, buddy! Jethro, why do you think that fella's pointing at us? I reckon that's the way they wave howdy in California. - Excuse us. - Has escrow closed on the Clampett estate? With an offer of 22 million cash, it closed swiftly. It is inspirational how you found a place for the Clampetts right next door to your own. Hathaway, the people who lived there were my best friends for over 20 years. It's a shame they had to file for bankruptcy. I just hope my call to the IRS didn't have anything to do with it. Well... Now, what time does their flight arrive? That's just it, Chief. They're driving. Driving? From Arkansas? I know. It makes no sense whatsoever. Not to you, perhaps. But to men with vision, like myself, that is a sign of daring, self-confidence, vigour. - Of course, Chief. - (man chuckles) Mm, doesn't he look busy at work? Tyler, would you step in here for a moment, please? (woman screams) It's an earthquake! - You wanted to consult with me? - Sit down, Tyler. Relax. I have heard you are quite excited about the arrival of the Clampetts. I think that you and I, together, can fully exploit the potential of the Clampett financial portfolio. You and I. The two of us. I've already drawn up the power-of-attorney papers. Have you, now? So I can write cheques, arrange investments, make international transactions, really work the Clampett account. - We'll be quite the team, sir. - Hm. Tyler, you will personally rescind, shred and burn every paper you have drawn up with regard to the Clampett account. - I'll be handling that account personally. - Duly noted. And nice kick, sir. Took me completely by surprise. Tyler. - The Clampetts will not be badgered. - Sir? They are not your common garden-variety millionaires. They are, in fact, billionaires. By definition, people of discrimination, discernment, great refinement. (Jethro) Boy, howdy! Hey, Jethro, we're supposed to go that way. Hey! You cut us off, you bunch of nothings! That's real nice, son. This here's what I carry. Go, go, go! Margaret! Morgan, come in here a minute, please. (TV) Hi, I'm Doug Llewelyn, and welcome to "The People's Court". - Where is your mother? - She's changing. That would be too much to hope for. - I'm sorry. I have to cancel our lunch. - What? I have to spend more quality time with Babette. We are trying to do more things together. Put the spark back, remember? You claim the defendant has your dog? - Actually... - Yes or no? - Yes, we do. - Morgan. Morgan. - It's your dog? - Yes. I raised this dog from a pup. And due to a... - Morgan, I have a little job for you. - Ajob? Yes. J D Clampett has a daughter your age. She's going to high school with you. I want you to show her around, just be her friend. Oh, man. You wanna pay me to hang out with her? She must be a major bow-wow. Son... Morgan. Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Now, picture this. I cut off your allowance, cancel your credit cards and delete you from my will. Now, how do you see your future? Grilling frozen cow parts at Burger King? And people say you're stupid. Monday morning, first period, 8am, she'll be like the little sister Mom thought would ruin her figure. So the dog will go to the plaintiff, Rusty. (dog whines) Honey, I'm home! Come and give your embezzling cowboy a ride around the bungalow. - No. - Why not? Cos I'm still living in this dump when I should be in a mansion in Beverly Hills. Laura, sweetheart. Bungalows 3A, 3B and 3C are in Los Angeles. We live in 3G which technically is in Beverly Hills. You're all talk, Tyler. You said we'd have enough money this month to buy me that little baby-seal-skin coat. - We will. - Promises, promises. We will. J D Clampett, the billionaire, just opened up an account at the bank. Who is this Clampett guy? If he's so rich, how come I've never heard of him? Babycakes, this guy's got more money than he knows what to do with. Now, that's a problem I think we can help him with. (Granny) Stop the car, Jethro! There's a fresh kill in the road. Can'tjust leave it there. You're right, Granny. Roadkill stew sounds mighty good right now. - (beeps horn) - No, you don't, you old coot! I seen it first! - Milburn, call Westec Security. - I'm sure there's enough for us all. - How revolting! - (beeps horn) They're probably just bein' neighbourly, like them nice folks we met on that extra-wide road. Well, let's give 'em a California howdy. - Howdy, y'all. - Howdy. Milburn! (Margaret) Did you flip me off? You reckon we're at the wrong spot? Could be. Don't know. It's the right address, Pa. Weii-doggies! (Elly May) The whole place looks brand-new. Uncle Jed, there's a whole 'nother house up here. (Jethro) This is a big ol' house. (Elly May) Why do you reckon they got two sets of steps? That's easy. One's for going up, the other's for going down. Oh. What a purdy critter! Hello, police? This is Miss Jane Hathaway. I wish to report the unlawful entry of armed and dangerous hooligans at the Clampett estate, 518 Crestview Drive. I need you here Code Three and I will be timing you. I think you got you a new friend, Duke. Cease and desist. Everyone. If I were you, sir, I would yield, submit and capitulate. What are you desperadoes doing here? - Well, it's a mighty long story. - But he don't mind telling it. - Pa was a-hunting one day with old Duke. - And Duke spotted this big old jack rabbit. So I throws up my gun and I takes my aim... - Don't shoot! - Pardon, ma'am? (Hathaway) Two minutes and 46 seconds. Attention inside! You're surrounded. Drop your weapons and file out one at a time. Don't shoot! They've taken me hostage. Attention inside. Drop your weapons and file out one at a time. - This is the Beverly Hills Police Department. - Told you this weren't no house. You heard him. It's the police department. This is your last warning. All right, fire one in! Look. They's a-playing kick-the-can. I knew we shouldn't have never left home. I knew it, I knew it! - Right this way. We've ID'd them all. - Excellent. We want the wheels ofjustice to spin quickly. These criminals must be incarcerated before our client finds out what happened. Exactly. The reputation of Milburn Drysdale is at stake. Would everyone turn to the right, please? Pathetic. We have, starting on the left, a Jedediah Clampett. Then, next to him, his daughter Elly May. And a Daisy May Moses, AKA Granny. And a nephew, Jethro Bodine. And some woman involved in a drive-by slapping. Oh, Chief! Chief, are you OK? Chief, quickly. Say something, say something! You're fired! Mr Clampett, sir. I am deeply sorry for any embarrassment my former assistant might have caused you. Yes, sir. I humbly apologise for my egregious error. It will never happen again, as I am no longer in the employ of the bank. Chief, Mr Drysdale, I will clean out my desk at once. Oh, dear. Please, don't trouble yourselves. Please, gentlemen. Thank you. Don't trouble yourselves. Thank you so much. So, then, everything is fine? Mr Clampett, please don't take your money from my bank. I'll do anything you want. I'll contribute to charities, anything. I'll eat mud. That won't be necessary. All I want is for this here lady to watch over my affairs. Me? You want me? I reckon you done what you done cos you didn't know we was who we was. If we hadn't have been who we was, we'd have still been much obliged for you doing what you done. Mr Clampett, I will work very hard for you. I trust you will. Is that all right with you, Mr Drysdale? That's exactly what I'd do in your situation. So we got ourselves a deal. Absolutely. To show there's no hard feelings, we'd like to invite your family to Sunday supper. - Thank you. We'll be there. - I can swap recipes with your wife. She'd love that. In you go. What are you doing? We're just paying our respects. Oh, no. This is a limousine. You'll be going home in this. So you take this and I'll follow you in my Rolls-Royce. - There you go. - Is that your car? - Yes, it is. - Ain't that fancy? Can I drive it? You, drive my $180,000 Rolls-Royce? Of course you can, son. I think that's a great idea. Hot dog! (# "If You've Got the Money I've Got the Time" by Ricky Van Shelton) Howdy! This is exciting. Elly May Clampett, sit down! - (phone rings) - Oh, excuse me. Hello? Let Mr Clampett know that the full weight of the bank is ready to help him. Yes, Chief. She thinks she's talking to somebody. Ain't even a cord there. Real estate, bonds, securities, whatever it is he wants, it's his. Mr Drysdale wants you to know that the bank is ready to help in any way that it can. There's one reason and one reason only I moved out here. - I'm looking to get hitched. - Chief, he says he wants to get hitched. - Hitched? - Married. - Married? - Chief, that's what I said. Miss Hathaway, if Clampett wants a wife, tell him that you will personally find him one. Chief, capable as I may be, matrimonial brokering is... Is now one of your specialties. Congratulations, and good luck. Yes, sir. Oh, dear. No problem. Mr Clampett, just exactly what are you looking for in a fiance? A fiance? Fiance is French for the person you intend to marry. I'm looking for a refined lady to help me raise my daughter Elly May. Aw, Pa, I'm already raised up. - And refined. - Don't spit from a movin' vehicle. Wait till it stops. (Granny) Jethro, save some for our guests. Here you go, Uncle Jed. (barking) I think old Duke is sweet on your critter. She's not a critter. She's a champion French barbone. And her purebred puppies are going to be worth $3,000 each. Son, what do you do? Don't know. What do you do? - I'm just president of a bank. - Wow. - Uncle Jed, can I be a president, too? - Now, Jethro. That's a mighty disrespectful thing to say to Mr Drysdale. No. Ask him if you can be vice president. - Vice president? - Uh-huh. Vice president, mm-hm. I think so. We can always use another good man. I'm gonna get me a fancy office and a purdy secretary. (door bell) There's them bells again. Jethro, I bet you there's somebody standing at that front door right now. If I was you, I'd eat real quick whilst he's gone. Looks good. Margaret? Why don't you help yourself, dear? Oh, good Lord. What is it? - Howdy, mister. - Hi, I'm Woodrow Tyler. - I'm here to see Jed Clampett. - Come on in. No, no, no. Tyler. What brings you here? Sir, hello. We took up a collection to buy these beautiful flowers for our newest clients. Welcome to Beverly Hills. (Granny) Why, thank you, sonny. Tyler, can the ham. Just introduce yourself and get out of here, OK? - Very pleased to meet you. - Howdy. - Elly May Clampett. - He was fixin' to bite my hand! (Jed) Stand him up. - Tyler, apologise. - My fault completely, Mr Clampett. I moved too quickly. You have a beautiful daughter. And very strong. Mrs Drysdale, what could help Elly May be as refined as you? Well, I went to finishing school in France. No one understands refinement and sophistication better than the French. So you think we oughta move ourselves to France? - Yes, I do. - No, you don't. No, she doesn't. Actually, you can find a good French tutor that'll come right to your home. I don't wanna change. I just wanna be who I am and I ain't goin' to no France! (Margaret) Oh, my! - Excuse me. - (door slams) Mrs Drysdale, if you ain't gonna eat them vittles, can I have 'em? Of course you can, son. Bon apptit. Thank you. Elly May, come on down here. How'd you know where I was, Pa? Cos ever since you could walk, you've been climbing trees and cuddling critters. It's high time you started thinking about changing some things. You need to start wearing dresses and fixin' up nice. But, Pa, folks'd call me a sissy. It ain't sissy for girls to act like girls. Ever since your ma died, I done what I knew best and raised you up like a boy, rough-housing, fishing, fighting. Yeah, that stuff's fun. Elly, nature made you a girl. Lately she's been getting more positive about it. Aw, Pa. Every time I look into your eyes, I can see your ma there. - Was my ma refined? - Oh, yes. She was a real genteel lady. I miss her so much, even now. I wanna be just like my ma was. I reckon I do need somebody to teach me the ways. Yeah, reckon you do. And now I got the means to make that happen. Tyler, don't you have anything better to do today? I thought you'd wanna know more about the richest dumb guy in America. He's a hayseed, a hillbilly. - So this Clampett guy should be easy, huh? - Yes. We'd better do it before he gets married. Married? Tyler, Clampett's getting married? No. But he wants to. Is the horny old goat looking for some action? Nah, he's just looking for a refined lady to help raise his hellcat daughter Elly May. But he did seem interested when somebody brought up the idea of a French tutor. A French tutor. Aagh! (door bell) (French accent) Bonjour. My name is Laurette Voleur and I am a French governess. Well, come on in, ma'am. Bonjour. I am going door to door to see if anyone needs my services. My business card. (mouths) Sorry, ma'am. I don't think so. Are you sure? Yep. There is not a young woman in the house who is perhaps a bit unruly? Not that I can think of, but, then again, we just moved here. Nobody in need of refinement and sophistication? Nope. Maybe you oughta try the neighbours. Well, I am so sorry to bother you. I will be going now. What's the problem, ma'am? I was just hoping that my services would be needed, but... - What do you do? - I teach... How do you say this? ...rambunctious teenage girls how to be more ladylike and proper. Well, dog my cats. Mrs Drysdale was just telling us about how the French was the best at finishing a gal out. Oui, they are. They are the very, very best at making a woman a woman. Hey, I just thought of something. Maybe she could help with Elly May. Here, rascal. Yeah. You like swimming in the cement pond, don't you? Do you like it too, Frankie? You taking that duck for a swim? And over here by the cement pond is my daughter Elly. - Elly, say hello to Miss Laurette. - Howdy, Miss Laurette. Bonjour, Elly May. It is such a pleasure to meet you. I was thinking every day after school Miss Laurette could help teach you to be a lady. - How about that? - OK. Spanky likes you. Not as much as I like him. (Elly May) Go on, now, and stay out of trouble. I finally figured this game out, Spanky. You take this ball, you put it down this here gully, it rolls down yonder. Then you hurl yourself down this slippery gully and see how many of them there snake-bashing clubs you can knock down before the ball gets there. What a stupid idiot. - Did you say something, ma'am? - What a stupendous intellect. That's cos I graduated to sixth grade, ma'am. Only took three years. (# "Wasted Days and Wasted Nights" by Texas Tornados) Now, Elly May, sit straight, chin up and try to practise looking interested when people are boring you. - Greetings, Mr Clampett. - Howdy, Miss Jane. - Hello, Elly May. - This here is Miss Laurette Voleur. Bonjour, Mademoiselle Laurette. Comment allez-vous? (tuts) I must only speak the English in front of Elly May. Of course. Mr Clampett, drawing from Commerce Bank's clientele, I have selected some preliminary bridal prospects for you. Oh, dear! Oh, my goodness! Mon Dieu. How clumsy of me! I'm so sorry. No problem. No problem whatsoever. At the bank I have these in triplicate. I shall return. I'll walk you out, Miss Hathaway. Why, thank you, Jethro. (Laura) Mr Clampett, perhaps we should discuss my weekly salary. Shoo! Shoo! Shoo, cow! Excuse me. I'm just going to reach over here and press this button. Hello? Can anyone hear me? - Can anyone hear me? - Yeah. - Can somebody help me? Hello? - Miss Hathaway? How does it feel to live in Beverly Hills? - Hello? - I can hear you. Where are you? Please can somebody let me out of here? I am trapped inside the wall. Hello? Hello? Hello? Just stay put, Miss Hathaway. I'll get you out. Hello? Watch your head. Miss Hathaway? Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo! I'm in. This is gonna be easier than I thought. - So they bought the French thing. - Mais oui. They're bumpkins. It's a crime they have so much money. It's worse than a foreigner winning the lottery. I know exactly what I'm gonna do. First I'll lure in Clampett. That'll be easy. Next, I'll take Elly May and slap on a little window-dressing. Make him think I turned her into a real lady. Then, when the time is just right, I'll play one off the other, and, wham, they won't know what hit 'em. You're not gonna sleep with him, are you? - That's not your problem. - Laura, I got my hand on your butt. - (phone bleeps) - Hold on. I got someone on call waiting. Hello? Hello? It was nobody. OK, now, I got my hand on your butt and I'm squeezing. Tyler! Get your hand off my butt. - Mr Drysdale. - Get a pencil and write this down. Yes, Mr Drysdale. Right. I can do that. (# "I Ain't Never" by the Oak Ridge Boys) (beeps horn) Howdy. I'm Elly May. You must be Mr Drysdale's son. (splutters) Thanks for picking me up. Is this here your car? Are we goin' to school or are we just gonna stand here all day? - Hey, y'all. - She's with me. Morgan, I'm tryin' to be friendly, but these folks don't seem to wanna say howdy back. - They sure are shy. - So what? Elly May, who cares? They're losers. Not one of them is worth over 300 million. Uh-oh. Well, if it isn't Morgan, spelled big M, little organ. - We've gotta go. - Not so fast, bank boy. - Cough up your lunch money now. - All I have is $400 in traveller's cheques. So just sign 'em and hand 'em over. Jake, show these two what happened to the last guy who didn't pay up. I can wire the money to your account. Before the close of the business day. I don't see why you have to give anything to that gorilla. That gorilla is captain of the wrestling team. Wow. I never wrestled a team before. Lessen you count the McCarter triplets. Cappuccino? - What? - Two. Thank you, Tiffany. This electronic whittler works real fine. Why, hello, Jethro. Well, howdy, Miss Hathaway. My, don't you look strapping in your new business suit. Armani? No, I'm pretty sure it's wool. Sure does itch like wool. - Miss Hathaway? - No, we're colleagues. Call me Jane. Me Jane, you Jethro. (mimics Tarzan) OK. OK, Miss Hathaway. Can I get an electronic whittler for Uncle Jed? - It's his birthday coming up real soon. - Let me make a note of that. Speaking of your Uncle Jed, back to the job at hand - finding him a suitable wife. Can I help? Back in the holler my ma was the best matchmaker around. - Is that so? - Uh-huh. First thing she'd do is get the back-fence gossips to start a-jawin'. We could drop some items in the trades. Excellent. Thank you. And then she'd... What'd she do? She'd hang a sign on the church bulletin board. Maybe we can get a big bulletin board. No, we'd better be a bit more discreet. What are your uncle's favourite things? That's easy. He likes smoked crawdads, sowbelly and hand-slung chitlings, and sponge cake. Besides food, Jethro. - He likes people who don't waste nothin'. - Go on. And his favourite song is "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" by Hank Williams. Yes! (# "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" by Hank Williams) (music continues) (knocking) Entrez. Excuse me, ma'am. Is that Hank Williams I hear? - I'm sorry. It must be too loud. - No, no. I was just listening to it while repairing this old dress and waiting for my sponge cake to bake. - Are you cookin' a sponge cake? - Oui. It is my specialit. I love this music. It makes me want to dance. It's so romantic. You are a fine dancer and a very attractive man. Whomever Miss Hathaway finds for you to marry is going to be a very happy woman. Thank you, ma'am. And all women know ha-peenis is hard to find. - Excuse me? - Ha-peenis. Oh, happiness. Well, I've disturbed your work enough, ma'am. (# "I'm Movin' On" by Sammy Kershaw) Jethro, have you considered getting a new car? Nope. But I told Uncle Jed we should slap a new coat of paint on this. But he said just cos we had money we didn't need to go showing it off. I was just thinking you should. You would look so good in a big, new, flashy car. Big, flashy car, huh? Maybe. Yep. OK, Miss Jane. About ready to pull over. You are so impossibly romantic. Close your eyes. Hot diggity dog! OK, now. Keep 'em closed. How charmingly old-fashioned. Open your eyes and look up. Ain't she purdy? Oh, my God! The chief is going to kill me! (TV) We'll be back after this message. Howdy! I'm Jethro Bodine. I'm talking to all you ladies out there. Are you looking for the perfect husband? Then consider Jed Clampett. Yes, Jed is rated AAA for "a-ttractive", "a-vailable" and "a billionaire". So come on down to the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills and see me, Jethro Bodine... - Dear, what's the matter? - Remember, I'm not only Jed's wife-finder. I'm also his nephew. I'm ruined. (# "Honey Don't" by Joe Walsh & Steve Earle) Howdy. Thank you. Hathaway, you are embarrassing this institution. This is a carnival. What kind of a numbskull would think of a harebrained scheme like this? - That'd be me, Mr Drysdale. - Your idea? Well, it's brilliant, insightful, cutting edge. You're a born leader, son. We have had 1,215 women respond to the ad. And two men. Once I've entered the data into the computer, worked my magic - presto. We will narrow them down to a precious few. Send in the next five! Hathaway, you're not validating parking, are you? Parking? That was my idea, too, Mr Drysdale. Well, it's a brilliant idea, if I may say so. Let's see. 1,215 women and two men at a dollar and a half every 15 minutes. Ah, well, that's only gonna cost me $5,000. Well... Bonjour, Jethro. - Howdy, Miss Laurette. - What is all this? Miss Jane said a big fancy car'd be more suitin' to my personality. So I'm fixin' on makin' one out of my truck. If it would have been me, I would have just bought a new one, but... carry on. What a moron. Organ, what are you doing here? You come here to wrestle me or to kiss the gym floor? Come on, Morgan, just kiss it! Why don't you pick on somebody your own size? What business is it of yours, baby? What are you doin' here anyway, corn pone? I came by to join the wrestling team. I don't wrestle girls, at least not in the gym. But I'll make an exception. Good, then let's get started. - I'm gonna kill you! - I'm gonna kill you. No one is gonna kill anyone here! Not without a signed permission slip from home. Got it? Got it, Coach. So, Jethro, building on your visionary plan for finding your uncle's wife, I've created this rather modest database program. I've cross-referenced the applicants against the parameters you indicated he desired by specifying the search criteria into functional groupings and selecting the field values through the use of embedded commands and, of course, basic Boolean algebra. Miss Jane, I have no idea what you just said. (giggles) Oh, Jethro, you are so delightfully... primitive. Miss Hathaway, would you step into my office, please? Bring the Arlington file. - Yes, sir. - I'm sorry. Since I have trained three Kentucky Derby winners for other people, it seems a logical extension that I'd want to own and operate my own stud farm. Arlington Acres. Well, it's just a very exciting idea. His net worth and rural background make Jed Clampett the perfect partner. Absolutely. You and Clampett partners in a stud farm? It's a wonderful idea. So you'll call him and arrange for us to meet? You bet I will. I'm sure he can't wait to see you. In fact, as soon as you leave, I'm gonna call Mr Clampett on the phone. - This is very exciting. - Isn't it? But you told me that you did not want Mr Clampett involved in such a risky venture. Exactly. Shred and burn that, and don't ever let that lady back in this office. It went fantastically. Mr Drysdale said I would be a perfect partner for Mr Clampett. Yes, I'll tell you more when I get back. Bye. Excuse me, ma'am. If Mr Drysdale thinks you'd be perfect for my Uncle Jed, I can take you over to meet him right now. - Wonderful! - Come on. You're gonna like Miss Arlington. Miss Jane picked her with her computer datin' base. Then Mr Drysdale personally approved her. Computer datin' base, huh? What'll they think of next? - Hello, Miss Arlington. - Mr Clampett. Gee, I don't know quite how to begin. Then let me start. I know by just looking at you, you are the perfect man for my stud farm. Stud farm? If it makes it any easier for you, I am willing to take on multiple partners. Multiple partners? No offence, ma'am, but I'm afraid I'd find thatjust a tad uncomfortable. What if it was with somebody you really trusted, like Mr Drysdale? I don't think this is the sort of thing Mr Drysdale would wanna be involved in. You should have seen his face when I showed him the pictures of what I have in mind. - He was very excited. - I don't doubt that. Would you like to see them? They're very detailed. Notjust yet. Don't you think we're moving awful fast? Not as far as I'm concerned, Mr Clampett. I've got my licence and I'm ready to breed. Excuse me, ma'am. I could use a glass of iced tea. - Yourself? - Sure. - I'm learning Elly May to ride my motorcycle! - How do you stop this thing? (Granny) I'm gonna tan your hide! (Jethro) You're doin' real good. Now put on the brake! - (Elly May) Watch out, Granny! - (Jethro) Stand aside! (Jethro) Watch your head! (Jethro) I'll help you, Granny. Come on, swim over here. - Here we go. Give me your hand. - I'm het up, muled up and fed up! Ow! Granny! Do you reckon if we got hitched, you could help me tame my daughter Elly May? Are you proposing we get married? Well, I wouldn't feel right about breedin' if we didn't. (door slams) OK, men, that's it. Hit the mineral baths. - Howdy. - Well, well. Look who's here. Missed you at practice, babe. - She didn't come alone. - Hey, Morgan. What are you doin' here? - Who's all these folks? - Just to keep things fair. - Is this some kind ofjoke? - Well, come on, baby. Let's wrestle. (phone rings) - (all) Hello? - It's mine. Come on, man. You can do it! - Fight in the gym! - All right! - (bleeping) - Hold on. I'm getting a fax. Meet me there. This here's what I call the Clampett Clamp. - That's not legal. - Really? Well, try this one. I call it the Possum Pretzel. - That ain't legal either. - Well... (cheering) What about the Hickory Nut Crunch? - (high-pitched) That's definitely not legal. - Ain't nothin' legal round here? One... two... One... two... Three. Young lady... I think we've found a new team captain. Sorry, Derek. You're demoted. Come on, Morgan. Thanks, y'all. I truly appreciate y'all a-tossing me this here fancy birthday party. Everybody looks just as nice as peach pie. I just got one question for you. Who are these people? - Howdy, Miss Jane. - Oh, my goodness, Jethro. I took your advice, made me a big, flashy car. It's very you, very macho. - Thank you. - Well, shall we? Is Pa here yet? Elly May Clampett, you look plumb elegant. Thanks, Pa. I feel kinda funny gettin' all gussied up like this, but... Miss Laurette says I'll get used to it. You've done a fine job in turning Elly May into a lady. Thank you, Monsieur Clampett. She is a diamond in the rough. Just like you. What's all this? Sushi, calamari, caviar. What? Speak American. Listen, I was wondering if maybe sometime we could go out, not on a date or anything, just maybe to go get some burgers or something. Take off hat silly hat. Then again, I would understand if you didn't want to. Sounds like fun. So, once we find your Uncle Jed a wife, perhaps it'll be your turn to get hitched. Me? No. I'm gonna be a Hollywood bachelor, date all the hot young starlets. Well, let me remind you not to overlook the charms of the slightly older woman who more than makes up with experience what she may lack in other arenas. - OK, Miss Jane. - No problem. - Oh, please. Let me. - Tyler, clam it. It's showtime. Miss Laurette? Why are you crying? I have just spoken with your father and he says I would make the best wife for him. He did? But as happy as I would make him, I am afraid that you will think I'm too young and beautiful to be your mother. Who'd have thought it? Miss Laurette and my pa. Oh. Where is he? Oh. So I can call you whenever I want and you'll hotfoot it right over? Hot dog! Thank you. I will miss Elly May so much when you find yourself a wife. And I will miss you, too. I hadn't thought about you not bein' here. It's sure been a pleasure to have you stay with us. Thank you. Jed, Elly May said the strangest thing to me tonight. She said she would love for me to be her mother. But I'm sure she'll get over the disappointment in whomever you choose. I love Elly May just like a daughter. - Perhaps you should speak with her. - I'll do that. Well... this here's a big night for you. All dressed up and ladylike at your first Beverly Hills social. Your ma'd be so proud. Thanks, Pa. Miss Laurette said she was right proud, too. You like her, don't you? Well, I like herjust fine. And I guess you like her, too. I certainly do. All I want is for you to be happy, Elly May. I just want you to be happy, Pa. Well, I reckon there's no time like right now. (guests) Happy birthday! I got a feeling you're worth every dime of it, too. Step up here. Let me take a good look at you. Boy, you're looking good on your birthday. I think we need a speech, don't you? Speech. (guests) Speech! I have more than any one man deserves, yet there is something I'd like for my birthday. I'd like to ask the one who helped Elly May become a lady to be my wife. Miss Laurette Voleur. I am so surprised. This is the happiest day of my life. (Jethro) Huh? Congratulations! (# "If You Ain't Got Love") (thunder) - You don't say! - (Granny) I do say! Well, I'll be... Who's he marrying? Oh, some floozy with a fancy accent. She seems sneaky to me. I don't trust her. Granny, you don't trust anybody. Never mind about that. I'm inviting you to the wedding, and the cousins. Butjust from Jed's side, not including the Kelloggs nor the Daggetts. Now, Granny, you're not gonna get into your tonic and disappear, like you did when Jed married your daughter, are you? Jethrine, your Uncle Jed's gettin' married. I always cry at weddings. Oh, now, honey. I do. (snorts) You got both kinds of chickens here, Jed, the white and the brown. - What you got there, son? - It's just a standard prenuptial agreement. And Miss Hathaway said for you not to tell anyone that you signed it, not even her. Well, if Miss Hathaway says so, I don't even have to read this. It must be fine. They'll be comin' from miles around to get my expert doctorin'. And I won't turn a one away. I done took me the hypocritter oath to help everybody. Kinda weak. Probably good enough for city folk. (Laura) Tyler! - Did you get him to sign the papers? - Yeah. He's a very trusting man. He thinks everyone's honest. That's a quality I admire in a man I'm taking advantage of. Hey, you're not sleeping with him, are you? Tyler, you know once I move in with a man, I stop having sex with him. Oh, yeah. That's right. (Laura) Keep your mind on business. Now go. Hey, wait. How about a little goodbye kiss? All right. I knowed it! I knowed it! I done catched you red-handed, you two-timin' hussy! When I inform Jed, the wedding will be off! Let's get her! Uh-oh. Tyler. (Laura) Shut up, you old hag! We've gotjust the place for you. I've already input the info into the computer. As soon as you say "I do", bing, I press enter, boom, the money goes via modem to Switzerland, bing, bang, boom, we're rich! Look at those legs. I can't wait to get them wrapped around me. Get her off of me! She's got crap on her boots! She doesn't even think we're her grandchildren. - And you say you fear for your lives? - Yes. I'm afraid the poor old dear tried to shoot us with a shotgun. - Are there other indications of dementia? - We caught her trying to eat a raccoon. - Really? - She calls us kidnappers. They are! They are! Them buzzards are! - Quiet, now. - Grandma, please. She bit me again, honey. Better check her for rabies. Get two orderlies in here stat. We can't take the heartbreak any longer. We need to admit her someplace where she can be kept away from sharp objects and payphones. From what you've told me, I'd say that your grandmother is a perfect candidate for... electroshock therapy. Nobody is to be allowed into the Clampett estate without an invitation. Sans invitation... non. Miss Jane, this fella's all mad at me cos I opened up this box of wedding food, but there ain't nothin' in there but a bunch of snails. I think the snails got up in there and ate all the food. No problem. We'll just buy some more. Henri, the snails go back to the garden where they belong, s'il vous plat. To your posts. Everything's going fine, but I have one small question. The dressmaker says Granny is not available for her fitting. The wedding is tomorrow. Come to think of it, I ain't seen hide nor hair of Granny since yesterday. - And you're not concerned? - No. She done the same thing when I married Elly May's ma. Came pouring in about three days later, naked as ajaybird and reekin' of her medicine. (# "Duelling Banjos") (farts) (man) Play it, George! Whoo! If the family won't file a missing person's report, then there's nothing we can do. But, Captain Gallo, I suspect foul play. I'm sorry, but my hands are tied. But if you're desperate... you might try this guy. He's expensive, but he's also the best private investigator around. This case was pretty easy to crack, Miss Hathaway. I have met unsavoury characters before, but she takes the cake. Laurette Voleur, AKA Laura Jackson, AKA Lily LaBeck. Married 12 times to any guy who has a little extra money to throw around. I should have known. Voleur. French for "thief". Now, what about Granny? The old lady is being forcibly held at the Los Viejos Retirement Home, a disreputable establishment, often cited for patient abuse. Be tough to break her out. What a calamity! And the wedding is just hours away. Reverend, do you think Cousin Bill's gonna be too busy to make it to the wedding? Hillary, where did I put that invitation? (phone rings) Clampett residence. Mr Drysdale? I've an urgent call for Mr Drysdale. I'll take that. He works for me. - Woody Tyler. Can I help you? - What are you doing there? I just dropped by to see if I could be of help. Tell Mr Drysdale to stop the wedding. OK. Laurette is a phoney who is only after Mr Clampett's money. - Well, that's not good. - Do it, Tyler, or yourjob is toast. I got it. - She's getting fat. - Where is Hathaway? - I don't know, dear. - Mr Drysdale. - What do you want? - Miss Hathaway called. She said something came up and to start without her. - What could have come up? - I wish I knew. - (dog barks) - My, what a lovely dog. - Thank you. - Make yourself useful. Count the olives. I'll be on it right away. I hate that little worm. What could possibly be more important than this to Miss Hathaway? Look at that, a new nurse. Yeah. - Howdy, Mama! - My baby! My goodness! Beverly Hills has made you so sophisticated. Doesn't your twin brother look handsome? - Give him a kiss, Jethrine. - Howdy, Jethro. Excuse me. Young man, I am here to see Daisy May Moses. Then you must be here for the rabies test. Yes. Rabies test. Exactly right. Then you want room 525. Nurse. Better be careful. She's a wild one. We had to give her electroshock therapy. Thank you. Eenie meenie meenie meenie. Eenie meenie... - Excuse me. - No problem. Eenie meenie... (gasps) My God! Granny. Your elixir. Try this. I will take you out of here immediately. - Your hair is just a bit dishevelled. - Miss Jane? Is that you? 'Tis I. Granny says she don't trust Miss Laurette. Oh. Take off that silly hat. I heard she's so skinny, you couldn't hit her with a handful of corn. Look where they're parking the cars. My God, how tacky. The place is turning into a zoo. I think she's a-trying to take him for all he's got. Hi there, handsome. - Do you mind if I sit in this chair? - This chair? - I was kinda saving... - Thank you. Lovely wedding, isn't it? Go. We've got to get back. I called. I told him to stop the wedding. - But that Tyler is so incompetent... - Tyler? Him and Laurette's the ones that stuck me in this hellhole! So - stabbed in the back by one of our own. And she ain't no foreigner. There they are. Stop them. (Jed) Jethro, hold up. (# orchestra plays "Here Comes the Bride") (guests applaud) There she is. - Come on, come on. - She looks beautiful. I've got the vapours. My make-up. (snorts) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in case of an emergency. Oxygen masks will fall from the overhead compartment. Your seat cushion can be used as a floating device. Thus sayeth the Lord. Reverend, I believe you're reading the aeroplane safety instructions. (Laura) May we skip this part? Hathaway'd better have a good excuse for not being here. Quick, Granny, hurry! Whoa! Can I ask for your invitations, please? I'll handle this. Have you any idea with whom you're speaking? I'd say one crazy lady and another one with a bad wig. Every strand of this here hair is mine! Granny, no, no, no. Granny, no! No, Granny! We'll find another way. We are gathered here to unite these two in holy matrimony. (Laura giggles) - Could we hurry things up, please? - Yes, ma'am. Come on, baby. If any one of y'all has one good reason these two shouldn't be hitched, and it darn tootin' better be a good reason, then speak now or forever hold your peace. All right, then. I now pronounce you man and... What in tarnation is that? (Granny) Charge! No, no, no! - Come on, Granny! - (Margaret) Who is that? - It is I, Jane Hathaway. - Hathaway, have you lost your mind? She's an impostor. She's marrying Mr Clampettjust to steal his money. That sidewinder Tyler helped her! - I'm ruined! - Milburn! Milburn! Tyler, let's set up the computer and push the button. If I can't have their money, nobody should. Quick! OK, we'll send their billion bucks bouncing around so many banks, they'll never find it. It's all set. All we've gotta do is push that button. You rustic, nose-picking, inbred yokels! - You're all about to be poor again. - Think again. No, you don't, you schemin' skunk! Wait till I get my hands on you! Pa, you must be so disappointed. A little. But, Elly May, I was mainly marrying Miss Laurette cos I thought you wanted her for your new mom. - I'm so sorry, Pa. - Don't be sorry. I love you just the way you are. I reckon I oughta raise you up to be who you wanna be. Well, I don't need a new ma, not as long as I got you and Granny. Hot dog, Miss Jane. You sure are a good shot. Well, thank you, Jethro. Gotcha! Well, folks, I guess you can say things didn't turn out quite the way we planned. So, since there ain't gonna be no hitchin', and we're all here anyway... I say we have one hellacious shindig! - Let go of me! - There she is! She's all yours! Let go of my hand! Hey! Nobody treats my pa that way! Shut up! How's that for ladylike, you old money-grubber? Come on, city boy. Let's dance. Stand back. You're under arrest for kidnapping, attempted embezzlement and fraud. (Laura) Oh, right. It was all Tyler's idea. I admit it freely. It was all her idea. I always fall in love with the wrong kind of man. - Clean up that cake. - Don't step on the train. I'll wait for you, honey. (snorts) Well, where was she? - Oh! - Oh, well! Weii-doggies! Thank you. This is about right. It's a shame they had to file for bankruptcy. I just hope my call to the IRS didn't have... - I shouldn't open it. - We'll do it again. But I got there. That old lady is... That old lady is... I'm sorry. - That's OK. - She's getting pretty old by now. (man) Still rolling. OK, give me a big smile. It can't get any bigger. - So, what happened? - Actually, he slapped me. Why don't you come up here? Let me take a good look at you. Jim? Jim? Hey, dude, where are you, man? I'm not even a bridesmaid. I gotta do this again. Action. No, we've got to get back. I called. I told him to postpone the... - I lost my purse. - It's right here. (laughter) - How did you get it? - I don't know. Jethro, come on down here. Likely as not there's another family lives up here. There. (# "Ballad of Jed Clampett" by Jerry Scroggins) (# "Hot Rod Lincoln" by Jim Varney)
 * 1) Happy birthday to you
 * 2) Happy birthday to you
 * 3) Happy birthday, dear Jed Clampett
 * 4) They've spent a fortune on me for you