Trouble in Tokyo

Ooh ooh! Hide me, hide me, hide me! London, just because your eyes are covered doesn't mean I can't see you. Oh, big stupid meanie. And just because your fingers are in your ears doesn't mean I can't hear you. Ugh! Look, I know you're afraid, but you need to go to the dentist. No! I can't go now. I mean, we're in Tokyo and the Ginza has some of the best shopping in the world. Okay, all right, but the minute you get back, you're getting in the dentist's chair. All right? I don't want a repeat of vaccination day. I got my shot. Yes, only after nurse Nancy loaded it into a tranquilizer dart and shot you from the flagpole. ( Cell phone ringing ) Hey, it's mom! - Ignore. - ( Beeps ) ( Cell phone ringing ) Hi, mommy! Hi, Cody! Note to self: Call Cody first. So guess where I am. - A singles mixer? - The dog track? Getting a facelift? No. No, I'm in Japan too. I'm shooting a commercial. - You are? - Yeah. A Japanese businessman saw my show at the tipton and was, well, taken with me. Taken with you? I believe I was talking to Cody. You have to come visit me. I can't wait to see my two favorite - ( Beeping ) - Oh, hang on. - Getting another call. - ( Beeps ) - Hello? - Taken with you? Ã¢â¢Âª Oh ay oh, oh ay oh Ã¢â¢Âª come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows - we say - hey-ho, let's go! - oh ay oh - this boat's rocking - oh ay oh - ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life - oh ay oh - this boat's rocking Hey, Mr. Moseby. Nice bathrobe. Did you borrow it from your mom? ( Grunts ) Woody, that's a traditional Japanese kimono. - Thank you, Bailey. - Though men usually go for a less flowery pattern. Even though I am a foreigner, or gaijin, I am dressed this way to announce the start of the sumo challenge where passengers can try and win a tipton gold pass. ( Gasps ) A gold pass? The one that gets you an unlimited spending spree at any tipton establishment in the world? Don't get your hopes up. You would have to stay in the ring for 20 seconds with the undefeated world champion Mikio Takewaki. - ( Roaring ) - Uh! ( Grunting ) Woody: Wow. He's a mountain in a diaper. I'd better go do some push-ups. Oh hey, London. - How was shopping on the Ginza? - Excellent. I found this store called urban camouflage and bought this skirt. - Cute. - London, where are you? It's time to see the dentist. London! - Huh, I wonder where mom is. - Forget her. I'm gonna go talk to this cutie. Hello. - Hi, Zack. - Ahh! Wow, mom, that is quite the get-up. Oh, honey, you're practicing your Japanese bow? No. I think I'm gonna throw up. Oh, guys, I have missed you so much! Carey, are you ready to start the commercial? Just about. Mr. Hashimoto, I want you to meet my sons. ( Speaking Japanese ) What's up? I'm Zack? Boys, this is the president of the Hashimoto beverage corporation, the man I was telling you about. Taken with her? I am honored to have you visit my studio. ( Gasps ) Is this a Gekkozan costume? Hai, the original. They shot "Gekkozan versus Hamstra" on this stage. No way! You know, I love the part where Gekkozan attacks Hamstra's lair and the giant wheel breaks loose and rolls right over the emperor. Oh, well done. Come, it looks like your lovely mother is ready to begin. Okay, all you have to do is say "Hashimoto soda," open bottle, drink soda, smile and say ( Speaking Japanese ) That means "isn't it delicious?" Then hold hand to face and giggle like a schoolgirl. ( Giggling ) Easy enough. Let's do this. ( Bell ringing ) - Hashimoto: Action! - Hashimoto soda. ( Sputters ) - ( Bell ringing ) - I was hoping for a big smile. It tastes, uh, kind of fishy. I would hope so. It's shrimp flavor. You put shrimp in soda? Not whole thing. Just legs, eyes, antennae and butts. I didn't even know shrimp had butts. Let's go again. Hashimoto: Take #57. Hashimoto soda. ( Speaks Japanese ) - Cut! - ( Bell ringing ) Eh, I'm gonna go look around. Can't I just fake it using lemonade? Absolutely not. That would be deceptive. Hashimoto-San, give me a sec with the talent? Okay, mom, here's the trick: Much of the sensation of taste actually comes from smell. So if you breathe through your mouth instead of your nose, you can eat something really disgusting. - How do you know that? - I grew up with your cooking. This thing is awesome. ( Bell ringing ) Action. Hashimoto soda. ( Speaks Japanese ) ( Screaming ) - ( All screaming ) - Ahh! - Please clear the stage! - I can't see! Ahh! - ( Crowd groans ) - Next. Okay, Woody, the key to wrestling a bigger opponent is to get him off balance. What do you know about wrestling? You're looking at kettlecorn's three-time junior miss steer wrestling champion. - Ahh! - ( Crowd screams, groans ) ( Gulps ) What if I can't get him off balance? Well, then just jump in the barrel and wait for the clown. That's all I got. Our next victim Uh, challenger is - ( Roaring ) - ( Screaming ) No! No no no, not me! - I'm the host. - Oh sorry, lady. Our next challenger is Woody Fink. All right. You're up, cowboy. ( Pounding ) - Git git. - Okay okay. ( Laughs nervously ) Nice cow. - ( Growls ) - Ahh! ( Screaming ) ( Crowd groans ) Bad cow. Ahh! Woody, grab him by the horns! Right. I think he shaved his horns. ( Sniffs ) Ooh. Next. Woody? You're still alive? Yes! I won the gold pass! Woody, you did it! Your B. O. caused a K. O. - Yeah! - No no. Hashimoto: What have you done to my studio? You have brought great shame to your family. It's not the first time. You must pay for damage. That camera cost one million yen. But I have no yen. I'm yenniless. Come on, can't you let us off the hook? After all, you are taken with me. Was taken with you. Once you see lady spew like mount Fuji, bloom kind of off cherry blossom. You three must pay off debt. Cool, we're gonna be in a commercial? Not commercial. You three will be tasters in soda lab. More shrimp? You will taste more than 1,000 flavors, starting with lobster poop. But I don't wanna drink soda poop. Thanks for the spa day, Woody. I've never been in a mud-bath without pigs slopping around in it. Oh, no problem. I'm happy to spread the gold pass love around with my friends And whoever these people are. Woody, the ocean called and it's out of shrimp! See? Nothing! Unlimited. Anyway, you're making plenty of money with those snack machines you're putting everywhere. London: Ha ha hachoo! - Bless you. - Thank you. And why does this snack machine have gold shoes? - Uh-oh! - London! No no no no! - You can't avoid the dentist forever. - Oh, just watch me! Woody, I'm very upset that you've defeated me in the sumo ring. - ( Growls ) - ( Whimpering ) ( Crying ) Oh, there there. What's the matter, Mikio? I lost to out-of-shape gaijin. You're calling me out of shape? You're not exactly a beanpole. I've brought great dishonor to my family. I can never face them again. Oh, don't cry. - Do something. - I don't wanna. - ( Wailing ) - Oh. - Make him stop. - Okay fine! - Mikio? - ( Whimpers ) - Mikio! - ( Whimpers ) I'll get you a treat. Who wants a triple kobe beef burger? With sweet potato fries? - Whatever you want, big guy. - Oh! ( Grunting ) London, where did you go? Aha! I've got you. - ( Bangs ) - Oh dear. ( London laughing ) Sucker! ( Laughing ) - Are these blindfolds really necessary? - Absolutely. No one can see secret formula of Hashimoto soda. What's the point of this? We're not going to like any of these flavors. Oh, I know. I just need to make sure none are fatal. And using humans stops animal rights people from getting all up in my grill. You taste the soda and you rate on a scale of one to 10. ( All gagging, sputtering ) We'll call that a seven. Thank you so much for letting me stay here, Woody-San. Well, it's hard to say no to a 300-lb man crying on your shoulder. ( Bones cracking ) There we go. I haven't been 300 lbs since I was 11. ( Laughing ) Oh, is this my bed? Uh, well It is now. - ( Farts ) - Dude, that reeks! Oh, my eyes I think they're melting! ( Knocking at door ) Hey, guys. Mikio, I see you're settling in. See? Aren't you bothered by the smell? Nope. Smells like planting season back home. ( Sniffs, sighs ) Mikio, I brought you a welcome basket. ( Both speaking Japanese ) Mm! He likes it. He's eating part of the basket. ( Groans ) Where's bathroom? Nature's calling. Oh! - ( Farting ) - Nature's shouting! ( Groaning ) Oh, Woody, it is so sweet of you to take in Mikio. - He's such a nice guy. - Nice? It's like living with 10 of me. I don't even know what Cody's gonna say when he meets our new roommate. Oh, please take a video. When do you think he'll be ready to go home? Uh, never. I mean, the poor guy lost face. Well, we need to find his face and fast because the other end of him is stinking up my room. The only way his honor would be restored is if you let him beat you in a real sumo match. Whoa whoa whoa. Whoa. If I lose, Moseby might take away my gold pass. - ( Mikio yelling ) - ( Explosion ) Oh oh! - Okay. - You know what? - I can live without it. - Okay. Oh! Oh, that was the worst one yet. Tastes like goat feet. The throw-up is starting to taste better than the soda. Oh. Don't give him any ideas. That'll be the next flavor. Mm. Zack, what are you eating? Uh, soda? ( Sniffing ) You are not. You had a peanut butter sandwich in your pocket? - It's probably been there for months. - I don't care! I need something to get this taste out of my mouth. - Give me! - No, it's my sandwich! Guys, stop it! Okay, look, we're gonna get outta here. How? I'm sure they're watching us. Yes, but thanks to years of tympanic exercise and regular wax removal, I have a very acute sense of hearing. By counting footsteps and calculating vocal trajectories, I've been able to paint an exact mental picture of this room. Good job, Cody. I knew I could count on you. We're in a triangular room made entirely of glass. Now to the right is a spiral staircase with travertine marble steps. Right now Hashimoto is at the mixing table in the far corner of the room. Okay, follow me. We're going to the exit. Now it's exactly 12 paces away. One, t - Oh! - Ahh! Where do you think you're going? Hey, Cody, let's see if your finely-tuned ears can hear this. You're an idiot! That's it! - You can't keep the three of us here. - Yeah! - It's Zack's fault, so just keep him. - Yeah! Wait. What? You have taken your blindfolds off. - Mine's stuck. - Now I definitely cannot let you leave. You have seen my secret ingredients. It's all labeled in Japanese. - I don't even know what this stuff is. - Wow! Is that the rare thelenota rubrolineata found off the coast of the Solomon Islands, you? Cody, why can't you be dumb like your brother? You know what? We're getting out of here and you can't stop us. Come on, mom. Maybe I can't, but they can. ( Ninjas yelling ) Hah! Why'd you take the elevator? Not very impressive. Get them! ( Gong bangs ) ( Crowd cheering ) Ladies Bring ( Muttering ) ( Microphone feedback ) Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to a ring match of epic proportionalism and excitillating fantastitude: The brawler on the trawler. Please welcome our challenger, weighing in at 347 lbs, the samurai of smoosh, the crusher from Kyoto: Mikio Takewaki. ( Crowd booing ) Rahr! Rahr! ( Laughs ) And now, weighing in at Mm mm mm! Substantially less than the challenger, the oaf from Ohio, the buffoon from the buffet Hurtful. The tipton sumo challenge champion: Woody Fink! ( Crowd cheering ) Okay. Now remember, let Mikio win, but make it look real. I'll try, but my skunklike powers make me invincible. Don't worry. I came prepared. - What's that? - Deodorant. What's that? - Oh! - ( Crowd groans ) ( Giggling ) Stop it. It tickles. Okay, now go out there and lose! Moseby: Gentlemen, the first person to knock his opponent out of the ring wins. And now let's see some sumo! ( Cheering ) Oh, it's working. Uh-oh, it's working! Ahh! Crowd: Ooh! And Mikio is the winner! - Ooh. - Oh yay, Mikio! ( Baby talk ) Who got his face back? Meanwhile, my face is broken in nine places. I'll get the first aid kit. Don't move. Oh London? ( Deep voice ) Nope, it's just us bandages. ( Sighs ) Uh-oh. You look ridiculous! Well, at least my hair didn't explode. That's it, I am taking you to the dentist right now. - No. - Come on. Come on. While you're there, ask him if he could fix these. This knot's really stubborn. What's going on? Whahh! Uh! Zack? Zack? Zack? Cody? Wait, what ( Speaks Japanese ) This peanut butter and jellyfish soda is delicious. - It is? - ( Snapping fingers ) How could I not have thought of this combination before? I am going to be richer than the emperor. I'm going to be richer than Oprah. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Slow your Sushi roll. What do you mean you're going to be rich? I put the peanut butter in the jellyfish. Well, I put the jellyfish in the peanut butter. - No you didn't! - Okay, I didn't. But no one tells Mr. Hashimoto what to do except Mrs. Hashimoto. You're married? You I was talking about mommy. You can't steal the recipe. Now you said yourself you were a man of great honor and integrity. Okay. How about I buy rights to your soda recipe by forgiving your debt? You owe me nothing. - Yeah. - Thank you. - We will take the deal. - Ahem. Thank you. Okay. Come on, boys. We're getting outta here. Carey, those are not your sons. Oh, I know. Well, I'm done at the dentist. Oh, good girl. I'm very proud of you. The dentist was really nice, considering I bit him. Yeah, he tasted minty. I'll call your father's lawyers. But when they finally subdued me and got me in the chair, it didn't hurt a bit. I have no cavities. And look, I even got a toy. ( Squeaking ) Well, good for you. Now maybe you won't be afraid to get your booster shot. Am I due for that? Oh! - ( Dart whistling ) - Ow! Good shot, nurse Nancy.