The Father Daughter Dance

Hey. They got a new kind of grape. Says it tastes just like cotton candy. Mmm! That would make a fantastic wine. Kids would love it. Hey, Virginia. I don't want to ruin your day, but your dad's back in town. What? Ugh! That sucks. And I was so excited about the grape thing. Life's a roller coaster. Recently, Mom found out that her dad took off when she was little, because he was a gay man living in a small-minded town. She also learned he had secretly watched her grow up. Daddy! But after reuniting, she found out something else about him: he's a jerk. Forgive me for trying to raise you to a higher level. I think you should leave. Good-bye forever. And since that day, my mom's wanted nothing to do with him. He's been in here all morning doing dramatic readings of the Father's Day cards. "Have an udder-ly fabulous Father's Day. " And then, see, it has a picture of the aforementioned cow. Can you see that? And then, look what he's doing. He's playing he's playing ball with a smaller cow. Touching, right? Well, he should read the sympathy cards because our relationship is dead. Maybe we should talk to him. We know what it's like to have an ungrateful child. And an uncoordinated child. And an underachieving child. But we stuck around. Hey, Mom. I'm right here. And a child with an annoying voice. Attention, howdy's shoppers, I have two announcements. One, I have a lost daddy up here looking for his family. And, two, I need a price check on how to forgive your father. Forget it! I already forgave him once and he burned all of us. We don't need him. Love your dad. Love your dad. Love your dad. Love your dad. Love your dad. Love your dad. Love your dad. All right, fine! I'll talk to him. Yes! Got your price check, Barney. How to Forgive Your Father by Deborah Hitler. It's on sale for $7. 99. Whoo! Ethnomusicologists sure know how to apologize. I'm sorry. It's this way. This is called the Toltec Apology Dance. What I'm trying to do in these moves, you see, this is change. I'm changing. And this is love. I'm in love. Right. With yourself. 'Cause you're a "narpolist" narcolippt nars Narcissist, Jimmy. I hate it when people try to use words they can't pronounce. I've met someone. I've met someone even more special than myself. His name is Oliver and we're gonna get married and I want I want you very much, all of you, to attend, especially since I told him I'm gonna have a big hometown wedding and that you you are actually planning it. What? Well, I I don't know how to plan a wedding. I never thought I'd need to. The Supreme Court really screwed me. Sorry, but there is nothing in this world that could get me to do that. How 'bout if I were to pay for Hope's college education? Nice try. Still no. Would you excuse us for a moment? Come on, Mom. This could change Hope's future. They make a good point, Virginia. Let's go tell Arnold we're in. No way. He's just trying to manipulate us into getting something he wants. You can't argue with that, Jimmy. Your mom knows her absent father as well as any of us. We're not doing this. Case closed. Hope needs to go to college. Look, she needs to expand her horizons and start thinking for herself and not just become somebody who agrees with the last thing she heard. Sabrina's right. Hope should learn to think for herself, not just become someone who agrees with the last thing she heard. Arnold get the hell off my lawn! Maw Maw, put the gun down. Don't worry, Arnold. We had the firing pin removed after the piÃ±ata incident at Hope's birthday party. Got my eyes on you, mister. Everything is milky and blurred, but I can make out shapes, and yours is shifty. I agree. And as much as I'd like to believe that he'll pay for Hope's college, I kind of wish we'd let Maw Maw shoot him. You know, I'm serious about this, and I'll put it in writing. You know a good lawyer? We know a lawyer. And that's how I got the nickname Wally "Chocolate Thunder" Phipps. Well, thanks again for coming straight from your basketball game to write up this contract, Wally. Luckily for you, I always keep a boilerplate marine vessel purchase contract in my gym bag. So, we plan a great wedding for him - and he pays for Hope's college. - Yep. You'll see in paragraph 12, right after the section on international waters, the provision clearly states Damn! I gotta get the prescription on these rec specs checked. "All parties agree that if said wedding should prove seaworthy and payment is not made, party A will surrender his deed to his fabulous Sedona condominium to party B to cover college expenses and docking fees. " Ironclad. This is amazing. Hope's gonna be the first Chance to go to college. Yeah. And she'll have the money to afford a good one, too. Nothing with the words "Tech," "State" or "Arizona" in the name. All right. We got to get going. We have a wedding in three days. - Three days? - What? We can't plan this in three days. Well, you're gonna have to. Oliver's gonna be here in three days. Wait, where does it say that? What did you think it meant when you agreed that "transaction must be completed in less than 96 bells"? You people either need to brush up on your maritime law or find a real lawyer. Ugh. Where the hell is it? This is terrible. Hope's never gonna go to college. We don't know anything about planning a wedding. Oh, I can pull off a wedding. I've been planning this since I was a little girl. You've been planning your estranged gay father's backyard wedding since you were a little girl? No. I've been planning a wedding fit for a princess, which is close enough. Wow. Wedding Extravaganza Dream Book. We got three days, Arnold's credit card and a dream wedding planned by an eight-year-old. What could possibly go wrong? I've come here because I've heard you are a professional stalker. I said I'm a professional stocker. As in, I stock shelves. Also, I do spy on people so continue. Arnold, Virginia's dad, is up to no good, and it's up to us to expose him before it's too late. I'm in, Barbara June, mostly 'cause I want an answer to the "will they or won't they" that is our relationship. With only three days until Oliver arrived, the Wedding Extravaganza Dream Book that Mom made as a little girl was going to be Hope's ticket to college. You guys. You just find a dead possum in here, you don't pick it up? Come on! Oh, God. Not dead. Not dead! That's fantastic. You have amazing taste. Really? I was worried you'd think it was tacky. How you gonna get Kenny Loggins? Oh, we won't. But luckily Natesville has the most Kenny Loggins impersonators per capita of any other unincorporated township in America. We've been slacking off for four years, but now that we know you're gonna have the money to get to college, it's time for all of us to get serious. Let's get you up to your college height. Shoot. Okay. Hold real still. Smile. Congratulations, Claudia Rosenbaum. Is this really necessary? We have to make sure it's safe for the guests at the wedding. What if it's not? Then we'll know. The key to surviving a college food fight is to have ammo that can't be thrown back at you and good aim. Here we go. Pretty good. Got to get a little windup in, like this. Fling it. Yeah! Backhand. Thank you. What is this? Oh, this. This is Oliver's harp. He just wants to play something at the at the wedding. He's a very good hip-hop harpist. Mm. Hey, guys, Hope's all ready for college. Check out what she can do. Throw your hat. She can't make it freeze in the air yet, but we got plenty of time. It's like seeing 18 years into the future. You know, I know, um, you're only doing this because I bribed you. But I got to tell you, I am so touched. And I I'm having so much fun with you, honey. I've had fun, too. I guess you really have changed. Get your hands off my granddaughter! That man is a lying sack of garbage. And we've got the proof. By the way, I'm Frank. We met briefly, last time you were here. Oh, yes, I remember. Hi, Frank. Pleasure. As you will see from this footage, Arnold is a lying, manipulative, deceitful monster. No, no. It's it's going perfectly. They have no idea that the wedding is fake and that Oliver doesn't exist. I said Oliver does not ex Forget it. I'll text you. One lousy cell tower for the whole town. Is this true? Were you lying? Well, I guess, uh, it's time for me to expose myself. Oh, God. Physically, I've always been about an eight, but, um as a father, I've I've been a zero. I wasn't there for you. I certainly wasn't there to throw you the wedding of your dreams. Because if I had been, it would have been just like the wedding you're planning for tomorrow because this wedding is for you. Oh, sure it is. You know what? You're just trying And this is for you. Oh, my God It's Princess Diana's dress. How did you know? Just because I wasn't part of your life, doesn't mean I didn't keep you as a part of mine. I saw you watch the royal wedding. Often, when I came into town to spy on you like a loving father, you would be working on that scrapbook and watching that videotape. Until one day you weren't. When I saw you give up your dream, it broke my heart. I have always loved you Oh and you've always loved the dress. Burt we're gonna have a wedding. Oh, my, my, my, my. There's my princess. Here you go, pretty. - You ready? - Yeah. Mom finally got the royal wedding she had always dreamed of. And it even came with a replica of Princess Diana's 25-foot train a train that Hope would eventually ride all the way to college. This way. Oh, my Burt, when I was 14, I was majorly in love with Mark Johnson. But now that I'm 15 and Mark moved, I realize I know you're the one, forever. Virginia, you are the coolest girl I've ever known. If anyone ever hurts you, I'll punch them in the face. Still holds. Now by the power vested in me by no one uh, because this is my Halloween costume from three years ago I now pronounce you: still man and wife. It is with great honor that Jazzoo will now present Kenny Loggins' classic hit Excuse me, guys. Um while kazoo is not the most annoying instrument in the world that, uh, honor goes to the aboriginal torture flute I had something else in mind. Uh is it Oh, my God. We're going to perform with Kenny Loggins! Sorry, guys, I'm kind of a solo act now. But you don't even have the classic Loggins hair and beard. Uh, that's because it's not the '80s. In Natesville, it's always the '80s. Holy crap! Footloose dance party is actually happening! Yeah! Um, maybe in a little bit, but I got a tip from somebody Me, it was me. That the bride and groom might like another one of my songs for their first dance. Play "Fight This Feeling"! Uh, I think that's R. E. O. Speedwagon. I know. It's just a simple chord progression. Can't you just play it? People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one I requested this song because it reminded me of the first day I brought Hope home. I had no idea what to do. But when Mom and Dad sang this song to get Hope to sleep, they also gave me my first lesson in being a parent. Conceived in love Sun is gonna shine above Even though we ain't got money I'm so in love with you, honey Now everything was perfect. Excuse me May we cut in? Oh, well I would love to dance with this pretty little college girl. Thanks, Dad. This was even better than I could possibly dream. I told you I wanted everything perfect. I just wish I could've sent you on your your dream honeymoon from your scrapbook. That's okay. I think that cool murdering whale got sent to some marine park in South America, anyway. Although if you wanted to let us stay in your condo in Sedona for a few days Yeah. We we'd love to drive up there. Or down there. Or fly, or sail All right, we don't know where Sedona is. But we'd still love to come stay there. Yeah, that, uh that, uh, that would be, uh great, at some point. What do you mean, "at some point"? Well the condo is, uh sort of out of my hands, at this point. And whose hands would the condo that's supposed to pay for Hope's college be in? The people I sold it to t to pay for this wedding. I'm so in love with you, honey And everything will bring Sorry. I had to. I just vowed to punch anyone who hurt Virginia. What do you mean you can't pay for Hope's college? She was going to be the first one in our family who didn't have to scrub toilets, mow lawns or bag groceries for a living. I fully intend to figure out a way to pay for Hope's education. I just I I might have to wait for the ethnomusicology business to perk up just a little bit, it's Maybe it'll be better if-if we all work on this together. You know, we're her parents. We can figure out a way to pay for this, even if it means saving $1,000 a year. That should cover it, right? Yeah, if you're talking about the boob job she'd need in order to pole-dance her way through college. You know, I think the salient point was succinctly covered in Mr. Loggins' refrain: "Even though we ain't got money, we are so much in love with each other, honey. " I packed your crap. You can go. I I have no place to go. Arnold can have my old room. What?! You guys said, just last week, that room was still mine if if things didn't work out with Sabrina. Really. Just last week? It was your anniversary, the subject came up And to be clear, he had just told us he was getting you a box of envelopes. The first anniversary is paper. Uh, not to make this about me, but, uh, what Jimmy said about the, uh, room being available - is that still on the table? - No. Okay, I just Arnold lied to us and tricked us, did all that crazy stuff but if you think about it, that's kind of how our family shows love. Maybe we ought to give him a chance. Having Hope turned me into a better person. If you really want him to be a better father, you're going to have to give him a chance at having a daughter. Jimmy that was really beautiful. Most of it was from one of the Father's Day cards Arnold performed at Howdy's. And I did get to punch somebody to Kenny Loggins' music. That puts me in an exclusive club with Tom Cruise and Kevin Bacon. Not to rush your decision, but, um there's an opportunity for an incredibly sweet father-daughter moment dancing to Kenny Loggins' song. And we only have Kenny for two more minutes. I'm tempted just to kill you, 'cause then I could use my Funeral Extravaganza Dream Book. But I guess it's easier just to forgive you. Oh, baby All right, well, it's been a very costly 15 minutes while everyone has been processing their feelings, but I'd really like to finish "Danny's Song. " Uh, if I don't, it just keeps going around in my head and drives me crazy. People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one And we've just begun Think I'm gonna have a son He'll be like she and me As free as a dove Conceived in love Sun is gonna shine above Even though we ain't got money I'm so in love with you, honey And everything will bring A chain of love In the morning, when I rise You bring a tear of joy to my eyes And tell me everything Is gonna be all right Not everybody becomes a parent at the perfect time. Some of us do it way too early, some of us do it way too late. But the important thing is, when you get the chance, you make the most of it. What's that piece of trash doing here? - Oh - No, no, no, no, no! - No, no, no, no. - Hey Is this going be happening every five minutes after she leaves the room? No, eventually, she'll think you're her dead husband and try to make out with you. Okay, okay - How are you? - Good, good. Good I'm good. I'm good.