Long John Peter

God, I hate coming to the vet.

They charge me 90 bucks a day to keep Brian here.

For 60 bucks, I could put him up at the Holiday Inn.

Eh? Who's with me?

My apologies, my pet cricket has restless leg syndrome.

I hope Brian's stomach pains aren't anything serious.

Look at that, Lois, that's why cats freak me out.

It's doing that weird stretchy-leg thing where they lick themselves.

Look at that, huh? Look at that sh1t.

Ew.

Oh, thank God the vets are here to help Brian.

I wanna be a veterinarian when I grow up.

Meg, we've been over this. You're gonna gain 150 pounds...

...and write Ugly Betty fan fiction.

But, Dad...

Meg, that's final.

Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final.

See, this bird knows what I'm talking about.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

You're polite.

You're polite.

You do not see that these days, you do not see that. I like you.

I like you.

Oh, thank God.

You never know what somebody thinks of you.

I'm glad I made a good first impression.

Would you like to be friends?

Like to be friends.

Oh, God, this is all going so smoothly.

What's your name? I'm Peter.

Peter.

No way, that's my name.

You should spend the night at my house.

Lois, make up the guest room.

Peter, that's someone's pet, you can't just take it.

Well, maybe they'd never know it's gone.

Oh, Brian, I'm so glad you're okay.

Yes, he's doing fine.

We were able to clear the stomach obstruction. It was a used diaper.

Ew.

Gross.

Oh, ho, ho, yes.

Get off my back. I thought it was Indian food.

Oh, thank you so much for your help, Dr. Jewish.

I thought we were gonna lose him.

It was my pleasure, Mrs. Griffin.

Go ahead and check out with my intern Anna.

We return to Busy Business Lady Whose Life is Missing Something...

...but She Doesn't Realize It Because She's So Busy with Business.

I cannot make that business meeting.

I got a different business meeting at 3, we'll be doing business.

Wondering if you're free for coffee.

Oh, no, I can't.

I've got a lunch meeting and a meeting after lunch. After that...

Shh, shh, shh.

Over the next 90 minutes, I'd like to show you...

...that all your problems can be solved by my pen1s.

Hey, guys. What is going on?

No way.

That thing don't bite, do it?

Guys, say hello to Adrian Beaky.

Pick a lane, bitch.

Ain't that funny? Heard me say that on the way over.

I gotta pee, where's that Snapple bottle?

I had a gay experience at camp.

We had the radio on, and they were talking about some goofy stuff.

What are you guys drinking?

Peter, you look like a pirate with that thing on your shoulder.

A pirate? Oh, cool.

You should get a pirate name.

And a peg leg.

And a hook hand.

You should have s*x with that crossing guard...

...even though I found out she was 12.

I mean, you should get an eye patch.

Eye patch would be cool.

You know, Brian, if you like my poop going into your mouth...

...we can just do that.

Shut up, Stewie.

Mom, can we go back to the vet and see the pretty vet assistant again?

Well, I guess if Brian gets sick again.

Oh, boy! Hey, Brian, look.

Brian's sick. Mom, get your keys.

Chris, I'm not going to the vet.

Ha, ha.

There's me wench.

Peter, what the hell are you doing?

That's Long John Peter to you, porthole.

Fetch me five tankards of ale and a leg of mutton for me mateys.

Who are those guys?

Just a few sea dogs from my fishing boat days.

I don't care, they stink. Get them out of here.

They stink of good cheer, Lois. Ha-ha.

After we've had our fill of bread and wine...

...we shall tell tales of other times we had our fill of bread and wine.

God, this is a more disturbing sight than Tom Hanks and E.T. In Philadelphia.

Ouch.

There you go. You're good.

You didn't touch me.

I don't wanna get AIDS.

Aah! Kristallnacht!

Aha! 'Tis Long John Peter and his merry men come seeking plunder.

All your Tucks medicated pads be ours.

Aah! Oh, my God!

Oh, God. What are you doing...?

Aha. For no reason, I'm going to fire this cannon all over your store.

Aha. Terrible pharmacy toys.

We'll see to it that no child ever receives these...

...as a last-minute gift hastily bought on the way to the party.

Dear me, it's almost 3:00. I've got to get this shipment...

...of sugarcane, tobacco and spices to the harbor before day's end.

That car is coming up awfully fast.

But at least it's flying the British flag.

Oh, no, privateers.

No doubt they're after my sugarcane, tobacco and spices.

Well, Shelley Boothbishop isn't about to let you over-egg this pudding.

Ha-ha.

Prepare to be boarded.

You'll never take my cargo.

Load the cannon.

All clear, sir.

Shoot it again!

What? I didn't understand that.

I said, "shoot it again," but I said it pirate-like.

Well done, you barnacle-munching scallywiggers.

Sir, we've got a man down.

Oh, my God, Adrian Beaky, say something.

Shoot me.

Oh, God. This is my fault. I did this.

I've screwed up worse than Disney did...

...when they cast Michael J. Fox in that Zorro remake.

Who was that masked man who saved us?

I don't know, but he left his insignia.

Give it to me straight, Dr. Jewish. Is he gonna live?

Mr. Griffin, your parrot is dead.

No!

Did he at least die with dignity?

Well, he convulsed a lot and fell off the operating table.

Then he flopped around a little on the floor.

A nurse accidentally stepped on him, and kicked him into a puddle of urine.

Which must have frightened him. His bowels released all over himself.

I tried to pick him up, but I got angry because some of it got on my thumb.

So I threw him against the wall, that's where he died.

That's the way I wanna go.

I'm really sorry about your dad's parrot.

Well, that's okay.

He'll get over it quickly and move on to another wacky thing.

Lois, whose pipe organ is this?

My name's Anna.

I'm Chris.

Sometimes I have to poop for a long time.

Now you say something.

You're funny, but I bet a lot of girls tell you that, huh?

Well, the only girl I know is my sister, and she sucks.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Wow, we're having a conversation.

Listen, I have to get back to work, but, um, would you maybe...

...wanna go out some time?

Yes!

Great. Here's my number.

Awesome.

Oh, no. I broke the pipe organ.

Hey, look the deed to a cattle ranch.

So, um...

...how do you like working at the vet?

Oh, it is so rewarding.

Ever since I was a little girl I have loved working with animals.

Did you make it with one of the dogs?

What?

I mean, did you enjoy your appetizer?

It hasn't come yet.

Oh, I mean...

...did you ever make it with one of the dogs? No, stupid!

Chris, just relax.

Um, okay.

So, what kind of stuff do you like to do and junk?

Well, I really enjoy some of the music...

...black people have been coming up with lately.

You know, Anna, when I first saw you...

...I thought you were the most beautiful girl...

...and now all I wanna do is show you my innermost self...

...but I'm afraid you'll reject me because you won't like what you see.

Or that you'll see my scrotum and see that seam on it...

...then you'll think I'm made up of two guys sewn together...

...because that's what I think happened...

Chris, I like you.

You don't have to try so hard.

I'm sorry.

When I'm around a pretty girl I get worked up...

...like a kid watching a toy commercial.

Kids, kids, kids.

Shiny. Gooey. Stretchy. Fun.

Hasbro's Best Thing Ever.

Sticky. Yummy. Bouncy. Fun.

Hasbro's Best Thing Ever.

Fly it.

Yeah!

Toss it.

Awesome.

Swim it.

Aw.

Eat it.

Whoa.

Hasbro's Best Thing Ever.

Kids! Kids! Aah! It's so awesome!

I want it.

Hey, fellas. Um...

I have a question.

I went on a date with this girl that I really like...

...and if you don't mind, I was hoping I could ask you a few questions...

...about the birds and the bees.

Ah, my boy wants to know about s*x.

Came to the right place.

Chris, what you always wanna remember is that s*x is perfectly natural.

Well, uh, sorry, Mr. Swanson, I wasn't really talking to you.

Chris, I know a lot about s*x.

Yeah, and I'm sure you have fond memories...

...but I was hoping to get advice...

...from someone who isn't broken from the waist down.

I'm a father!

You're a two-wheeled monster!

That's gonna be my ringtone. Quagmire, call me.

Ha-ha-ha.

I have to get to work, Chris. I have tons of dogs to incinerate.

But I can't wait to see you tomorrow night.

Oh, God. I'm so sorry. I'll clean that up.

Oh, that's okay. I'll get it. Have fun at work.

Okay. Bye, Chris.

What do you think you're doing?

What?

You, a man, are cleaning up a mess made by Anna, a woman...

...that she, also a woman...

...spilled on you, a man.

So?

You're treating her like a human.

If you wanna get anywhere with a chick, you can't treat them nice-like.

Really?

Trust me, Chris.

Next time you see this girl, treat her like crap.

And you'll be cooler than a mid-'80s novelty answering-machine message.

I'm glad you called, but I'm not home But I'll be back before too long Gotta wait for the beep Gotta leave your name Gotta leave your number Wait for the beep It's me again, I just had to hear it one more time.

Chris, is everything okay?

You seem a little, I don't know, quiet tonight.

Yeah, everything's fine.

Yes, can I have two tickets?

One man and one bitch that needs to do what I say.

What? That's not funny, Chris.

Here's your ticket.

Pick that up.

Chris, why are you acting like this?

Pick that up and cook it into something delicious...

...or knit it into something that's useful to me.

Um...

Are you ready to make out now?

Why in the world would I wanna do that after what you just said?

You're not the person I thought you were.

I never wanna see you again. I can't believe I thought you were special.

Anna, wait.

Oh, no. What did I do?

Chris, guess what we just did. Bonnie, tell him.

We had s*x.

We had s*x!

We had what Joe calls s*x.

Chris, honey, what's wrong?

Anna took a dump on me.

What?

Yeah, she broke up with me.

Oh, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say.

What's the difference?

Well, what you said first was what...

Well, I mean, when two grownups love each other very much...

...sometimes they show it by... Never mind.

So, what happened?

I don't know. I did everything Dad said.

I should've known Peter had something to do with this.

You're not the first person whose life he's screwed up.

Knock, knock. Nicole, Ronald, who's ready for Boggle?

Oh, my God. No!

Why? Why? My beautiful Nicole.

My man Ronald. Who did this?

Oh, man, they were so good together.

We were just establishing our friendship.

They were about to get engaged.

Oh, he was gonna ask me to be an usher.

He already had enough groomsmen, so he made me an usher...

...but just to think I could be involved in the ceremony in any way.

You told Chris to act like a jerk to this girl?

Well, define Chris.

Peter, he's really upset right now.

I mean, he cared about this girl a lot. Can't you see what you've done?

I don't know. I mean, I thought I was helping.

But you may be right...

...because now Chris is all sad and crying and fat and bad at sports.

Well, you created this mess, and you have to help him fix it.

Man, parenting is more complicated than making a 1940s phone call.

Hello, operator? Crestview 4162, please.

One moment, please.

Hello.

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Well, what do you know about that?

Hey, Chris, it's me. I got something for you here.

What is it?

I caught you a bullfrog outside.

Poked some holes in its back so it can breathe.

See, look at this... Oh, boy.

All right, hang on, hang on.

I'm never gonna be happy again.

I know how you feel, son, but you can't give up.

Let's get out there and meet some ladies.

But I don't wanna date anyone else. I want Anna.

Chris, you don't wanna miss out experiencing your teenage years.

You'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet.

Peter Griffin!

Have a seat. Your date will be here any minute.

In fact, I think she'll be coming through that door.

Hey, Chris, I'm Betty. Sorry I'm late.

Your dad told me all about you. You sound like a swell fella.

Uh, thanks. So where are you from?

I'm from the rich part of town, so you know I'm a good egg.

But I'm more interested in you.

Did you finish your homework today?

What?

You know, your dad's got a birthday coming up.

Given any thought to what you might be getting him?

How do you know when my dad's birthday is?

Well... It doesn't matter. What are you getting your dad for his birthday?

I don't know. A tie.

Oh, I don't know if he would want one of those.

I think he's got enough ties.

He might...

I don't want a tie. Pick something else.

Chris, this is Barbara.

The girl you used to have a crush on.

You kids enjoy yourselves, and I'll create some atmosphere.

This is a favorite by Men at Work.

Do you come From a land down under?

Do you hear the thunder?

Of a land down under Look at me With a brand-new Hyundai

I don't understand, your blind date should be here now.

She answered the ad.

Whoa.

So still no luck on the girlfriend, huh?

I know Dad's been trying to help. I'm trying to listen to him...

...but nothing seems to be working.

I know I asked him to help...

...but it occurs to me you've been taking advice from everyone...

...except the one person who matters.

What do you want, Chris?

All I want is to go out with Anna again.

Then you just need to go talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel.

But she said she never wants to see me again.

Well, I'm sure you can come up with some excuse to see her at the vet.

Is there any more coffee?

Anna, I'm here with my dog.

He's not feeling well.

f*ck you.

Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?

Anna, to be honest.

I came here because I wanted to apologize...

...for acting like such a jerk.

That's not who I am.

Oh, yeah. No, no.

No, yeah, no, you're a cool guy.

Brian, shut up!

I was just really nervous because I've never had a girlfriend before...

...and I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything wrong.

You know, you really hurt me, Chris.

I know, I was wrong. I don't wanna hurt anybody, Anna.

Please, just give me another chance.

Gosh, he doesn't look so good.

I know.

But you do.

You know, I get off at 4.

I might just be up for a movie.

Okay, somebody really needs to help me here.