Making Out is Hard to Do

[In Jesse's dream (or nightmare):]

Jesse: [as he's trying to nap] Oh, no. Not again!

TV Host: Yes, Jesse. Again. That was Barry & the Rippers with "April Girls", the song that's been sweeping the nation for the past two months.

Jesse: Two months?!

TV Host: Welcome to Down Beat: Tragic Tales of the Music Business. Today, the story of Jesse Katsopolis: The Lost Ripper.

Jesse: [to the TV] I'm not lost. I'm right here, pal!

TV Host: We talked with Jesse's friends and family to learn more about this truly pathetic figure.

Becky: [In a clip on the show, as the "ex-wife"] OK. Alright...so I married a failure. I can deal with it. But it's been really hard on the boys. They're so ashamed. [Zoom-out to reveal Nicky and Alex in glasses.]

Danny: [...the "shamed brother-in-law"] I don't know where the reject is today, and frankly, I don't care. All that's left of him is an Elvis donut maker and the mousse slick on the couch.

Stephanie: [..."alleged niece #1"] I never really believed he was my uncle. I just thought he was this guy who moved in and used our combs.

D.J.: [..."alleged niece #2"] The day he left, he took all our hairdryers. But it's a small price to pay to have him out of our lives. Happy blowin', grease ball!

Michelle: [...the "disgruntled niece"] He always called me 'Munchkin'. I used to think it was cute. But then, I found out what it meant: A short-looking funny person. What a jerk!

Joey: [...the "Boing Boing Brain"] I was Jesse's partner on the radio, and his best friend. Now, I'm dating his wife.

Becky: Boing Boing [an off-brand of the ], honey?

Joey: You bet, honey. [She puts half of it in his mouth and the other half in hers.]

[That horrifies Jesse.]

TV Host: Last week, in a Down Beat exclusive, our 'tragic cam' finally caught up with Jesse Katsopolis [showing him as an overweight, balding mechanic].

Danny: Do you have any idea what your daughter's been up to?

Claire: Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound?

Danny: Yes. I have laryngitis.

Claire: [about Gia] Well, I guess I should go upstairs and talk to her.

Danny: Well, just remember—when children seem the least lovable, it means they need love the most.

Claire: Do you always talk like a fortune cookie?

Danny: Actually, it was the Thought for the Day on my Ziggy desk calendar.

Danny: [Referring to Stephanie's punishment] Steph, let me put it this way. Before it can soar like an eagle, the young baby bird must stumble and fall, and spend two whole weeks grounded in the nest with no TV.

Stephanie: Hey, is that from your Ziggy calendar?

Danny: No, but I'm thinking of submitting it.