Pilot (Young Sheldon)

1 (train chugging) (train whistle blows) ADULT SHELDON: I've always loved trains. In fact, if my career in theoretical physics hadn't worked out, my backup plan was to become a professional ticket taker. Or hobo. (train whistle blows) And when I figured out that trains allowed me to prove Newton's first law An object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force I felt like Neil Armstrong on the moon, alone and happy. MARY: Shelly, dinner's ready! Be-bop-a-lula, baby, what I say (giggles) I don't care how dimwitted you are. Scientific principles have to make you smile. Of course, nobody I knew in East Texas in 1989 cared about Newtonian physics. The only Newtons they cared about were Wayne and Fig. MISSY: Sheldon, if you don't get in here, - I'm gonna lick your toothbrush! - Coming! That's my sister. And she's done it before. Do the walk of life Yeah, he do the walk of life. The hell were you doing - out there? - George, language. What language? So? I was exploring dimensional kinematics. Admit it He's adopted. SHELDON: How can I be adopted when I have a twin sister? Think, monkey, think. MARY: That's enough. No one's adopted. I wish I was. That can still be arranged. Now, let's pray. A moment, please. (sighs) - Leave him be. - He can hold hands with his family. It won't kill him. We don't know that. Georgie, did you wash your hands before dinner? Or even this week? None of your business. Hence the mittens. MARY: Thank you, God, for this food we're about to receive and for the nourishment of our bodies, and bless the hands that prepared it. ALL: Amen. How come we ain't got no tater tots? I made tater tots last night. GEORGE: I'd take tater tots over mashed potaters any day. - Just eat what I made you. - Can we at least have tater tots tomorrow? ADULT SHELDON: It was family dinners like this that led me to adopt a mid-Atlantic accent. Nobel Prize winners (Southern accent): ought not be orderin' tater tots. Everybody excited to start school Monday? I am. I guess so. MARY: Georgie? Freshman year, that's a big deal. How can I be excited when he's gonna be in the same grade as me? SHELDON: Don't worry, Georgie, I'm not planning on being in the ninth grade for very long. All I know is he's not in the same grade as me anymore, and I'm thrilled. Good luck with your finger painting. You're gonna get your ass kicked in high school. MARY: Hey, language. I'm not going to be assaulted. High school is a haven for higher learning. Oh, dear God. Speaking of God, who's going to church - with me tomorrow? - GEORGE SR.
 * I can't.

I'm meeting with the other coaches. You can't meet after church? No, Mary, I can't meet after church. Georgie? I got to study my playbook. I'll go with you, Mom. MISSY: Why are you going? - You don't believe in God. - No, but I believe in Mom. I'll take it. Missy? Can't, Heather asked me to - You're goin'. - Son of a bitch. - Hey. - Ow! (laughs) MARY: Missy (gasps) Don't you throw something at the dinner table. George Jr. ADULT SHELDON: Jane Goodall had to go to Africa to study apes. MISSY: Hey! I just had to go to dinner. Never at the dinner table! You knock that off, George! D-Do not retaliate! ALL: Onward, Christian soldiers Marching as to war With the cross of Jesus Going on before. In Matthew nine, verse four, Jesus said, "Why would you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts?" - (quietly): Do you have evil thoughts? - Shh. I just don't think this part applies to me. That's fine. Be quiet and listen. I'm only nine years old. Most evil doesn't start till puberty. (clears throat) Hello. Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brothers, whatever is" Do you have evil thoughts? I'm having one right now. Really? What is it? When we get home, I'm gonna kick your little balls. You can't. They haven't descended yet. - Mom? - What? When should I be expecting my testicles? "whatever is admirable" What is wrong with him? Nothin' is wrong with him. Now, turn around before I knock your lights out. PASTOR: think continually on these things. A good thought leads to a good thing. You feel it in your body. You feel it in your ADULT SHELDON: My mom was my Christian soldier. Leads to evil things and sits there and And for the record, they descended when I was 15. (whirring) Shelly, it's your last day of summer. Go out and enjoy it. But I have to learn the student handbook. Ooh, did you know extreme hairstyles, goatees and mustaches are not allowed? I didn't. I personally find that very reassuring. Look what a beautiful day it is. (loud whirring) (tires screeching) (deep barking) Go play. "Go play" if only life were that simple. There, I played. Hey, Sheldon! Hello, Billy Sparks. - Hello, Matilda Sparks. - I heard - you're going to high school tomorrow. - I am. You're going to have to find someone else to torment on the playground. "Torment"? (sighs) It means to maliciously harass. "Her ass"? (chuckles) That's funny. Well, this was nice. Hey, doofus! (squawks) Mom! - Good girl. - Mom! MARY: What am I supposed to do? His feet are growing. GEORGE SR.
 * Why can't he wear Georgie's old shoes? MARY: He won't hold your hand.

You think he's gonna put his feet in his brother's smelly shoes? GEORGE SR.
 * Well, we damn well better cut back somewhere.

MARY: Will you please keep your voice down? (door shuts) They're fighting about you again. They're fighting about money. It's a common argument in marriages. (door opens) Lights out. Big day tomorrow. Mom? Hmm? Do we have financial problems? Don't you worry about that. We are fine. Now, go to sleep. (sighs) She's lying. She just said that to make you feel better. Mom doesn't lie. Sure, she thinks the Earth was made in six days, but that's 'cause she's gullible, not a liar. MISSY: Mom, Sheldon can't find his bowtie. Really? I laid it out for him. Leave it alone, Mary. He doesn't need a bowtie. It's his first day of school. Let him wear what he wants. SHELDON: Mom, I can't find my bowtie! Dear Lord, why's he got to wear a bowtie? Can I drive in with you? Sure. Everybody's gonna know he's your brother. It's gonna be awful for you. Tell her to shut up. She's not wrong. (TV plays quietly) - It's got to be here. - SHELDON: It's not. - It's not! Shelly, stay calm. We'll find it. - My tie is gone! My tie is gone! - Shelly, you don't really need a tie. I have to find my tie. I have to find my tie. Be right back. Professor Proton wears a bowtie! George Junior, - give me back that bowtie right now! - I didn't take it! - Don't you lie to me! - I'm not lying! - We'll see about that. - Stay out of my room! She's gonna find your dirty magazines. Shut up! You are not having a good day. (sighs) (sighs) Ugh! (sighs) Hey. Hey, he didn't take it. - Then what happened to it?! - SHELDON: Help me find my bowtie! I'll check in the bathroom! I took it. - Why would you do that? - Mary, the boy is nine years old and going into high school. Isn't that weird enough? Give it to me. Come on. It's not just Sheldon. Georgie's gonna be in class with him. Not in the bathroom! Give it. Think about it There must be higher love Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above Would you like to play a driving game? Not really. I always lose. - I know. That's why it's fun. - (laughs) How about license plates with prime numbers - followed by a cons? - Why don't we just talk? Very well. You understand that some people are gonna be intimidated by you 'cause of how smart you are? Or maybe they'll recognize my intellect and make me their leader. Lord, look after my son. Don't let him get stuffed in a gym bag. Bring me a higher love, oh, oh Bring me a higher love (distorted sounds and voices) (distorted speech) Oh, dear. Yeah. That boy has an exposed tattoo. He does. I wonder if he knows that's in violation of the dress code. Speaking of which, how about we lose the bowtie? Why? Look around, honey. None of the other kids are wearing one. Well, perhaps I'll start a fad. No, you won't. Please trust Mommy. All right, tell you what. You take it off, and this weekend, I'll take you to RadioShack. Hmm? (bell ringing) (indistinct chatter) (growling) You doing okay? I guess. (roars) I smell ammonia. They must've done a thorough cleaning recently. I like that. MARY: And remember, if anybody bothers you, what do you say? My dad's a football coach. And? My brother's a football player. Good. Hey, Mom, look. That girl's pregnant. Congratulations. (toilet flushing) Well, that was revolting. All right. This is your homeroom. Do you want me to go in with you? No. Although I could've used you in the restroom. Okay, well You have a good day. And I'll pick you up after school, same door we came in. Are you crying or having an allergy attack? Allergies. It's probably the ammonia. Probably. (sniffles) Okay. Let the learning begin. (exhales) All right, everybody, my name is Ms. MacElroy. In addition to being your homeroom teacher, I'll be seeing some of you in my English class, and some of you on the volleyball court. Just to give you a little history, I've been here at Medford for 29 years I taught some of your older brothers and sisters, and sadly, some of your parents. Not much I haven't seen. Until today. I'm sure you're well aware we have a student with us, who, despite his young age, is remarkably gifted. And I expect y'all to make him feel welcome. Yes, Sheldon? Per the student dress and grooming code, this boy's hair is too long, this boy is wearing sports attire outside of a designated area and this girl's blouse is diaphanous, which means I can see her brassiere. - (laughter) - Thank you. I will take that into account. All right. We have a few minutes before first period. I need y'all to fill out these forms. What? Also in violation of the grooming code on page 48, article five, subsection B, you have a bit of a mustache. (laughter) This is a stupid idea. This boy does not belong in our school. PETERSEN: Come on Vicky, it's just the first day. Why don't we all just take a deep breath here? The hell with that. Five minutes into my math class, he questioned my credentials. How am I supposed to control a classroom when a kid accuses me of being in breach of the hygiene code? Well, Hubert, it wouldn't kill you to shower a little more often. George, you want to weigh in here? - Well - INGRAM: Oral Roberts University is a wonderful school. He said I was intimidated by his intelligence, and then, he offered to be my "leader. " (clears throat) (playing Mozart's Sonata in D) (piano playing) (stops playing) Do you know this sonata? No. How long have you played the piano? I don't play piano. PETERSEN: George, you got any thoughts here? I certainly do. Mary, tell him. It's simple. We don't have a choice. Well, you gave it a shot. We wish you luck with Sheldon elsewhere MARY: No, no, no. We don't have a choice. He's got to stay here. We can't afford private school. I sure can't homeschool him. He's doing calculus and Euclidean something or other. Euclidean geometry. Guess where I learned that. Yeah, yeah, we know. All I care about is that my son gets the education he deserves, so you all are gonna have to figure this out. Coach, can you help me out here, please? 'Cause I'm dyin'. I'd rather not. G minor. F. E flat. C minor. You have perfect pitch. Okay. Sweetheart, you should really pursue music. No, thank you. Musicians take drugs. Is there a faculty restroom I could use? (whistle blows) Ooh (grunting) Ooh Cooper, Stinson, you're up. (laughs) Hey, look, it's the dumb brother. - Okay. - (blows whistle) (grunting, yelling) (whistle blowing) BERGDOFF: That's enough. Hey. - (yelling) - (whistle blowing) BERGDOFF: Hey, that's enough! - Hey, hey! - GEORGE SR.
 * That's enough! Georgie.

Georgie! Georgie! Stop! Stop! What the hell is wrong with you? You okay? No, I'm not okay. Where you think you're going? I quit. I don't want to play anymore! - Since when? - Since right now! All right, what is going on? What do you think's going on?! You mean Sheldon? You can't let that bother you. It doesn't bother you? You got called to the principal's office. Yeah, that wasn't so great. I can't be in the same school as him! Well, I don't see what choice you have. Right. Ever since he could talk, I quit having any choices. (groans) I know it's hard. I'm telling you, as your coach, quit your whining, get your uniform on and you get your ass back out there. But what about as my dad? Your dad is having a bad day. Listen to your coach. Can a clock be powered by an ordinary potato? I hope so, boys and girls, or this is going to be a really boring episode. The supplies you'll need Why can't we watch DuckTales? 'Cause we don't learn anything watching DuckTales. It's TV, we aren't supposed to learn. Two alligator grips and, let's see Of course, a clock. Missy, go somewhere else. I need to talk to your brother. Why don't you go somewhere else and I can watch Duck Go! I hate everybody. It's time for science. Hey, he was about to power a clock with a potato. Not possible. - Now, listen - Am I in trouble? No. Maybe. Just listen. You're not gonna make it in this school if you keep ratting people out. But they were breaking the grooming codes and the dress codes. I saw one boy with a T-shirt that said (whispering): "Bite me. " Yeah. That-that's terrible. Sheldon, let me tell you a little story. Did you ever wonder why we moved from Galveston to Medford? No. I tend to wonder about the bigger questions. Okay, well, here's why. Your dad had a real good coaching job and I saw some grown-ups breaking rules. What'd they do? I-It's kind of complicated, but football coaches aren't allowed to recruit kids from other high schools to play on their teams. And you told on them? Yeah. You know what happened? Justice descended upon the rule breakers? I got fired, Sheldon. And I got a bad reputation. Oh. That's why you drink so much beer. Just do yourself a favor. Okay? Go to school tomorrow, and mind your own business. All right? Dad. Are you sad that you got fired? Mostly angry. But yeah. Maybe a little sad. All right, let's say grace. Thank you, God, for this food we are about to receive. (muffled praying continues) ADULT SHELDON: That was the first time I held my father's hand. MARY: our bodies and bless the hands that prepared it. Amen. - GEORGIE: Amen. - Amen. MARY: Hey, George Jr., wait your turn. ADULT SHELDON: I wouldn't touch my brother's hand until 17 years later, thanks to the invention of Purell. You know what I find comforting? What's that, baby? In a world filled with uncertainty, this place will be here forever. CLERK: Hey, Sheldon, how you doing?