Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air


 * Announcer: We now return to Dr. Terry Fabulous: Homosexual Gynocologist.
 * Dr. Terry Fabulous [in a room with a patient]: OK, Mrs. Robinson, let's take a look. [lifts up gown] Ewwww, it's looks like a sad old man.


 * Peter Griffin: [Watching Lois, Bernice, And Bonnie dance] Oh, my God, this sucks. The clam's the only place we've got to get away from the women. This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie.
 * [cutaway to Peter sitting on the couch]
 * Announcer: We now return to Jack Black in The Unconventional Butler.
 * Rich Man: Edgar, could you bring me some tea?
 * [Jack Black come in the scene with a bowtie on; no shirt, and has on pants]
 * Jack Black: YEAH!! YEAH!!
 * Rich Man: Wait a minute. Butlers are supposed to be fancy and well-mannered. This guy's screaming and waving his arms around.
 * Jack Black: You're an old man. You don't understand the young people.
 * Rich Man: You're right. I'll change from now on.


 * [Lois, Bonnie, and Bernice are hanging out at the Drunken Clam with the men]
 * Bonnie Swanson: Oh my God, that was so much fun!
 * Lois Griffin: [to the guys] You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot! [Peter grabs Joe's gun, cocks it, then shoots himself in the mouth. The scene cuts to a close-up of Peter's face; he was only thinking about it]
 * Joe Swanson: Peter? Peter?
 * Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry, Joe. I, uh, just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.
 * Glenn Quagmire: It's the best show you're not watching!
 * Cleveland Brown: I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bull crap.


 * Lois Griffin: Peter I wish you'd get rid of this thing, it's an absolute eyesore.
 * Peter Griffin: What do you care Lois? You girls got the clam, we got the Quahog Men's Club. Besides, we're not hurtin' anybody.
 * Lois Griffin: What are you talkin' about? You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house!
 * [cutaway to the exterior of the Griffins house, where a big hole in the wall is present in Stewie's side of the house]
 * Stewie Griffin: What is this?? There's something wrong with the house!...I don't like change!


 * Bonnie Swanson: Boy, they sure are making a lot of noise out there.
 * Lois Griffin: Those idiots have done nothing but hang out in that stupid shed for the last two days!
 * Bernice: We should crash that party!
 * Lois Griffin: Hey, you know what, Bernice is right! They're always trying to get away from us! We should march in there and remind them that they have wives.
 * Muriel Goldman: Especially if they have food, because bar food is so overpriced.
 * Bernice: Man, who invited Anne Frank?


 * Herbert: [Siting at a stand that says Boy's Club: Free Popcicles and Shoulder Rubs] Y-M-C-A. It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A Mmmmm...


 * [Peter, Cleveland, Quagmire, and Joe are playing cards at the Quahog Men's Club]
 * Glenn Quagmire: Would you have sex with Cleveland if it meant you could have sex with Angelina Jolie?
 * Peter Griffin: Uh... yeah, yeah, I'd probably do it.
 * Glenn Quagmire: Hang on, hang on... Missionary, and you have to look him in the eye. No closing your eyes and pretending it's somebody else. [Cleveland looks at Peter]
 * Peter Griffin: [pause] I think still yes.
 * Cleveland Brown: Thank you, Peter.
 * Glenn Quagmire: All right, here's another one. Who would you rather have sex with: a very pregnant Gina Gershon or Jenny McCarthy after a car accident?
 * Peter Griffin: W...wait, h...hang on, hang on. Look, you know...you know, I...I know this is a men's club, but why does it always have to be about sex? Like, okay, look... h...how about this? How about this? Who would you rather start a small business with: Janet Reno after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name Is Earl?
 * Glenn Quagmire: That still sounds like a sex question.
 * Peter Griffin: It is not.
 * Glenn Quagmire: Well then, what the hell does "safari" have to do with it?
 * Cleveland Brown: What's the guy from Earl's credit rating?
 * Peter Griffin: 651.
 * Cleveland Brown: That's not bad.
 * Joe Swanson: Better than mine.
 * Cleveland Brown: Does he have an idea, or do I have to come up with it myself?
 * Peter Griffin: He's got an idea, but it's not quite there.
 * Glenn Quagmire: I'd have to give it to Janet Reno, 'cause I've always had this business plan for home delivery of prescription medications, and that--that seems like it's more her market.
 * Joe Swanson: This is stupid! I WANT TO TALK ABOUT VAGINAS!


 * Stewie Griffin: God, you're more worthless than Colin Farrell.
 * [cutaway to Stewie talking to Colin Farrell]
 * Stewie Griffin: So, uh... you got the wool cap on, huh? Yeah. Yeah, I guess, you know, whatever, it's uh... 96 degrees out, you know. Better-better put on the old wool cap. Yeah. Got a lot, uh, going on under there, huh? Under, under the wool cap? Thinkin' 'bout your sideburns? Yeah. No, no, no. You're not a complete jackass. Yeah. Oh, hey, nice T-shirt. "PHRESH". And...and it's spelled with a "PH". Oh, that's fun 'cause it's usually spelled with an "F". Yeah. Oh, and you got a little tear in your pants there-- oh, that's on purpose, though, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, you're a bad boy. You're a bad boy. Society wants your pants to be intact. But you're not just gonna listen, are you? My God, this is ridiculous. I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to kill you.


 * Barney Rubble: Boy, great party, huh Fred?
 * Fred Flinstone: Yeah. You know, Barn, I figure I outta tell you this. I was walking by your house the other day, and, uh, I poked my head in the window, and Betty was undressing. Uh, she saw me there, but she didn't stop.
 * Barney: What?
 * Fred: She didn't stop. I mean, she saw me there, looking at her, and kept undressing.
 * Barney: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you serious?
 * Fred: Yeah, I got an e-rock-tion.


 * Joe Swanson: Sometimes I feel more useless than the head of the Maid's Union.
 * [cutaway to Consuela]
 * Attorney: And what exactly are your demands?
 * Consuela: We need more Lemon Pledge.
 * Attorney: You need more Lemon Pledge?
 * Consuela: Yes.
 * Attorney: We're not responsible for that. You should just bring it from your own home.
 * Consuela: Noooo...


 * Dr. Hartman: So, what can I do for you, Mr. Swanson?
 * Joe Swanson: Doc, I can't take it anymore. I wanna walk again. I'll do whatever it takes!
 * Dr. Hartman: Well, there is a highly expirimental new procedure. It's essentially a leg transplant. If you'd be willing to sign a waiver, I think I may be able to help you.
 * Peter Griffin: You know, when you talk, you sound a lot like my father-in-law, Carter Pewterschmidt.
 * Dr. Hartman: Oh, that's funny. He's a patient of mine! [Carter walks into the scene holding a cup]
 * Carter Pewterschmidt: Here's my urine sample. Doctor.
 * Dr. Hartman: Thank you, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
 * Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh, hi, Peter.
 * Dr. Hartman: You know, Peter says we sound alike.
 * Carter Pewterschmidt: Really, I don't hear it.
 * Dr. Hartman: Actually, I think I do hear it now.
 * Carter Pewterschmidt: Really?
 * Dr. Hartman: Yeah, you know, we've never really had any extended interactions, so I've never noticed it.
 * Carter Pewterschmidt: Hey, I think I hear it, too!
 * Dr. Hartman: Seems lazy, doesn't it?
 * Carter Pewterschmidt: Well, there's only so many voices in the world. Some of them are bound to be similar.


 * [after leg surgery, Joe and Bonnie are having sex]
 * Joe Swanson: YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! GET SOME! GET SOME! YEAH! SEX! SEX!! SEX!!!
 * Bonnie Swanson: Oh, Joe, that was amazing!
 * Joe Swanson: I know. I was there.
 * Bonnie Swanson: My God, we haven't done it in so long, I'd forgotten how big you were.
 * Joe Swanson: I was gonna say the same thing to you.


 * [Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire are rock climbing with Joe]
 * Glenn Quagmire: Peter, this doesn't seem safe.
 * Cleveland Brown: Yeah, I'm afraid I might... [Cleveland falls off the mountain, then Spider-Man arrives, and shoots a web under Cleveland, breaking his fall] Wow. Thanks, Spider-Man!
 * Spider-Man: Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter.
 * Peter Griffin: Uh, apparently, everybody gets one.
 * Spider-Man: Bingo!


 * [Joe is at the Griffins' house, making his friends dance with hip. Cleveland is on the piano]
 * Joe Swanson: All right, we're gonna do it once more! [everyone moans in agony] And this time, NO MISTAKES! ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR! [Cleveland begins playing, while the others dance]
 * Peter, Joe, and Quagmire: Good mornin', good mornin'!
 * Cleveland Brown: It's great to stay up late!
 * Peter, Joe, and Quagmire: Good mornin', good mornin', to you! [Joe sits on Quagmires lap as Peter continues dancing]
 * Peter Griffin: When the band, begins to play, The stars were shinin' bright!
 * Glenn Quagmire: But now the milkman's on his way, It's too late to say good night!
 * Joe Swanson: [shouts at Quagmire] SO SAY GOOD MORNIN'!
 * Glenn Quagmire: AHH! [starts sobbing] Good mornin'! [everyone continues dancing] Sunbeams will soon smile through
 * Peter, Joe, and Quagmire: Good mornin', good mornin', to you! [the song ends, but Stewie pops out from behind the couch and continues by himself]
 * Stewie Griffin: Nothin' could be grander than to be in Louisiana! In the mornin', in the mor... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.


 * [At The Drunken Clam]
 * [Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland are sitting at a table, exhausted]
 * Quagmire: My God, Joe is running us ragged!
 * Peter Griffin: Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackée Harry's personal grocery shopper.
 * [Cutaway to a grocery store with Peter and Jackée Harry and her grocery list]
 * Peter Griffin: A palette? Am...am I readin' this right? Y...You need a palette of chocolate-covered pretzels? Wh...wh...where the hell am I supposed to... a...an...an...and wh...what is this, a drum of grape jam? Is that... wh...what is that... is that like a drum like, they ship oil in? Is that... a...a...an...and wh...wh...wha... look at this one: A desk of Cheez-its. A desk... wh...where are you gettin' these units of measurements from?
 * Jackée Harry: Mary.
 * Peter Griffin: [laughs] That is still funny. Okay you stay right here, big funny gal, I'll be right back with...[reads from the clipboard] a hammock of cake.


 * Peter Griffin: It was awful! I mean, he just left Bonnie...and then the bastard completely blew me off to hang out with those new douchebags!
 * Cleveland Brown: Peter, we gotta do something.
 * Peter Griffin: You're right, Cleveland. Boys, there's only one answer: We gotta re-cripple Joe. It's the right thing to do, like taking out Hitler.
 * [cutaway to the same scene of Hitler riding a unicycle and juggling fish seen earlier. Only this time, Peter enters the scene, kicks him off the unicycle, and punches him out]
 * Peter Griffin: [to the audience] See? We had a plan for that all along.


 * Peter Griffin: You've changed, Joe, like I did when I went through puberty.
 * [cutaway to Peter as a kid standing with two other boys and holding a baseball and glove]
 * Peter Griffin: [In a really girlish prepubescent voice] Hey, you guys feel like playing some base...[Peters voice suddenly changes to his normal adult voice] ...ball?...Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate.


 * Peter: So, you, uh, really think you're suited to be the fourth guy in our group, Buzz Killington?
 * Quagmire: Yeah, I mean, we mainly just sit here in the booth and crack jokes, but...you're kind of a buzzkill.
 * Buzz Killington: Oh, on the contrary. I've quite a mastery of the humorous yarn. [chuckles] Do any of you know the tale of how cornmeal came to be?
 * Cleveland: No.
 * Quagmire: Uh, no.
 * Peter: Uh-uh, no.
 * Buzz Killington: Neither did the miller when he left the house that morning.
 * Peter: Ahhhhhhhhhhh....
 * Cleveland: We gotta get Joe back.


 * [at Joe's house. Peter sneaks up behind him]
 * Peter Griffin: [holding a baseball bat] Yo, Joe.
 * Joe Swanson: What the hell are you doin' here, pansy? [Cleveland enters with a crowbar, followed by Quagmire with a golf club]
 * Cleveland Brown: We're gonna break your legs, Joe.
 * Glenn Quagmire: It's for your own good!
 * Peter Griffin: C'mon guys, get him! [they try to attack Joe, but fail miserably, as Joe is unstoppable with his new legs]
 * Joe Swanson: All right, then. [Bonnie appears behind him, holding his gun] Bonnie? What the hell? Put my gun down!
 * Bonnie Swanson: Not until I have my husband back! [Joe runs for the door, but Bonnie shoots him in the ass]
 * Joe Swanson: AHH! MY PERFECT ASS!
 * Bonnie Swanson: Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. I was aiming for your spine. [shoots him 2 more times, this time in the shoulder and upper arm]
 * Joe Swanson: AHH! DAMN IT!!
 * Bonnie Swanson: Joe, I'm so sorry! I'm a terrible shot! [shoots him 3 more times; in the thigh, the foot, and the side of his head]
 * Joe Swanson: AHH, FOR GOD'S SAKES, JUST GIVE ME THE GUN! I'LL DO IT MYSELF!!!


 * [at the Clam; Everyone is bandaged up]
 * Peter Griffin: Boy, we, uh, really did a number on each other.
 * Joe Swanson: You know, I just wanna take this opportunity to apologize to you guys. I was acting like a first-class jackass. I... hope that you can forgive me.
 * Cleveland Brown: Oh, it's just good to have our old Joe back.
 * Peter Griffin: And once our injuries heal up, we'll all go for a nice, long walk.
 * Joe Swanson: ALL RIGHT! YEAH... wait a minute!
 * Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire: AHHH!
 * Peter Griffin: [humming to the Family Guy theme song] Na na-na na-na-na Na na-na na-na-na Na na-na na-na-na Joke's on you!