30 Minutes or Less


 * [first lines; two teenagers answer the door to Nick’s knock delivering their pizza]
 * 15 Year Old #1: Thirty four minutes, four minutes late. Pizza’s free.
 * [his friends points to the pizza poster where Nick works, which has a 30-minutes-or-less delivery policy]
 * Nick: Come on, you guys live two towns away, it’s pretty much impossible to get here in thirty minutes.
 * 15 Year Old #2: Huh, exactly! That’s why we order from your shitty pizza parlor.
 * Nick: Okay, you guys are pretty smart. You’ve figured out a way to beat the system.
 * [he gives them their pizzas]
 * Nick: There you go.
 * 15 Year Old #2: Thank you.
 * Nick: What, no tip?
 * 15 Year Old #1: Sorry, only got the big bills.
 * Nick: Mmm, you guys kinda of remind me of me when I was your age actually. You know, kinda like just trying to get drunk any chance I get. what you got the fridge full of beer, right?
 * 15 Year Old #1: Man, we don’t have anything.
 * Nick: Really?
 * 15 Year Old #2: Could you get us some beer?
 * Nick: Me? Um…listen, I shouldn’t do this, but if you give me the money that your mom gave you for the pizzas, which you didn’t give me, uh…I will run out and get you some beer.
 * [whispering to his friend]
 * 15 Year Old #2: What do we do? Let’s get fuckin’ shit faced.
 * Nick: But I want a tip this time.
 * 15 Year Old #2: Okay. Um…we have…that’s forty.
 * [he hands over the money to Nick]
 * Nick: Uh…thanks, man. Wait, um…how many am I gettin’?
 * 15 Year Old #2: Whatever that will get us.
 * Nick: Okay. I will see you soon.
 * [he turns and leaves but stops and turns to the boys again]
 * Nick: Wait, you boys like O’Douls, right?
 * 15 Year Old #2: Yeah, fuckin’ love that shit!
 * 15 Year Old #1: Totally.
 * 15 Year Old #2: You rule!
 * [after Nick has witnessed Chet sat in his car with his date performing oral sex on him after which she then kisses him]
 * Chet: Hey, what the hell? You just been sittin’ there watchin’ the whole time?
 * Nick: Yeah, man. I got the whole show. Really classy move there at the end by the way, that kiss?
 * Chet: Look, the woman is kind enough to provide me with felacio services, I’m not just gonna dart outta there like she’s an untouchable.
 * Nick: Nothin’ says chivalry is dead. Here, have a beer? The alcohol should help wash the taste of yourself out of your mouth.
 * Chet: Well thank you, sir.
 * Nick: Hey, I rented some movies for us. I got uh…I got Lethal Weapon. I got uh…Lethal Weapon 2.
 * Chet: I think I’m gonna have to pass. I gotta be up early tomorrow to teach a class at seven.
 * Nick: Come on, man! You’re a sub, just call in sick like the real teacher did.
 * Chet: Dude, you know I got hired to full-time last month, alright? You bought me a laser pointer.
 * Nick: I know. I’m just having trouble accepting you as the man. You know, cause you’re you. Filling kids heads with a bunch of bullshit, laser pointing at stuff, just so you could have your summers off.
 * [Dwayne and Travis are target-shooting watermelons in an old scrap yard]
 * Dwayne: You know, if you weren’t such a skinny little bitch, you could be in the military.
 * Travis: I don’t need to be in the military, dude. I taught myself to do this shit. Went online and looked all this up.
 * Dwayne: Oh, I hear you. I taught myself how to eat pussy and cut my own hair.
 * Travis: I taught myself how to eat pussy here.
 * [watching Friday 13th in 3D, Dwayne jumps up from his seat and starts heckling Jason Vorhees on screen and Travis joins him when Dwayne father catches them in the act]
 * The Major: Who are you two fags fucking?
 * Dwayne: Just…Jason Voorhees.
 * Travis: Afternoon, Major.
 * The Major: It’s been twenty years, Dwayne. When are you finally gonna get up the courage to ask him out?
 * Dwayne: That’s not funny. We’re business partners.
 * The Major: Oh, yeah? What kind of business are you in?
 * Dwayne: Entra…entraper…
 * Travis: Entreprens.
 * Dwayne: Entrepreneurals.
 * The Major: That’s not a business! You can’t even pronounce it!
 * Dwayne: We’re just tryin’ to watch this movie. About forty five minutes left and three titees comin’ up. You’re comin’ at the worst possible time.
 * The Major: Yeah, well I bought that TV so I could watch my football. Not so that you and your boyfriend can jack off all over it.
 * Dwayne: Well, then maybe you should learn how to share the common space better.
 * The Major: Common? The only thing common in this house is you.
 * Dwayne: Come on, Travis. This movie sucks anyway.
 * Travis: You look good, Major.
 * The Major: I paid for the damn cold cuts too. Maybe if you got a job, or a fucking prospect, or a clue how to get any of the above, I’d let you eat ’em.
 * Dwayne: You’re a cold son of a bitch, dad.
 * The Major: That’s what it takes, boy. In the core, pussy’s like you wore dresses keep us entertained.
 * Dwayne: That’s really fucking disturbing.
 * [Nick pops a balloon to get Kate’s attention]
 * Kate: Very funny, but you’re late.
 * Nick: No, no. I’m forty five minutes late, which is like, ten minutes early for me.
 * Kate: Where the hell were you? You live like two blocks away.
 * [referring to his uniform]
 * Nick: Yeah, I got held up trying to pick out the perfect shirt and hat combo for you. What do you think?
 * Kate: I like it. It’s very minimum wage.
 * Nick: Thanks. I can’t wait to quit and take this shit off.
 * [referring to the pizza they’re eating]
 * Kate: Say what you wanna say about your boss, but the man knows how to make a good pizza.
 * Nick: I think that guy can suck on a dick.
 * Kate: Mmm, did you see Tom Small’s Facebook update?
 * Nick: No, you know I don’t check that shit. I’m off the grid.
 * Kate: He came out.
 * Nick: What?
 * Kate: Even posted a picture of him and his Latin boyfriend.
 * Nick: Tom Small is gay? That kid used to beat the hell out of me and Chet in grammar school. Wow!
 * Kate: Tell me about it. He OTPF’d me at Junior High formal.
 * Nick: What the hell is that?
 * Kate: Over the pants finger.
 * Nick: That’s disgusting.