Han Ukkah Solo

Adult Adam: When you were a kid, cracking open a toy catalog and making your holiday wish list was the most exciting part of the year. But now that I was a ninth-grade man, I wanted something you couldn't find in any store.

Psst! Yo!

Goldnerd. Come here.

You got the money, I got the hook-up.

Let me see it first.

Christmas came early. He had a bootleg copy of the "Star Wars Holiday Special."

Holy Kenobi! The legend is true!

This is the rarest film in existence.

Only aired once in the lame-ass '70s.

Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Pleasure doing business.

Enjoy your space wars.

Stop what you're doing.

I have the biggest holiday news of all time.

If I were to stop what I'm doing, it'd be more than what I'm actually doing.

Okay. So, as everyone knows, "Star Wars" is my entire life, soul, and universe.

[Snores]

[Claps] No dozing!

Well, then be less boring.

Boring?!

This is two hours' worth of unseen "Star Wars" goodness.

"Star Wars." Is that the one with the bear?

I mean, I-I even heard rumor we meet Chewie's family.

Chuy? The guy who works in my stock room?

No, Chewbacca.

Is he the little guy who yells, "The plane, the plane"?

No, the wookiee? Han Solo's fuzz ball?

[Imitates Chewbacca]

[Snoring]

No dozing!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪ ♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪ ♪ I don't know the future ♪ ♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was December 14th, 1980-something, and that meant one thing... the school holiday concert.

All: ♪ Joy to the world ♪ ♪ The Lord has... ♪ ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle... ♪ ♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly... ♪

Yep. We did all the fun Christmas classics. We also did one half-assed tune to give a shout-out to the other holiday.

♪ Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of clay ♪ ♪ And when it's dry and ready, oh, dreidel I shall play ♪

[Piano continues]

[Snaps]

You... need something?

Yeah, it's the second verse.

That's you.

That's a pass.

But it's the Hanukkah solo. You do it every year.

I think the other, way better Goldberg should do the solo.

Check it.

[Rapping] ♪ Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel ♪ ♪ I made it out of... ♪

Nope. Can't do it.

I can't make it cool. It's impossible.

Thank you for that journey.

Erica, if you didn't want the solo, then why did you sign up for it?

I didn't. [Chuckles]

Oh, yes, you did.

With a glitter pen.

That's not my handwriting.

'Cause I would never dot the "I" in "Erica" with a heart.

Oh, she is so dead!

You...

Love me?

Oh, my little shmoopaloo.

Don't you shmoopaloo me.

What gives you the right to forge my name on a sign up sheet?

It was on the bulletin board.

All the solos were taken except for "Dreidel Cubed".

That's what the hipcats call hit.

No one calls it that!

The song isn't hip and I'm tired of singing it every year.

Fine. Then you go in and tell your grandfather and break his sweet heart.

He lives for that Hanuka solo.

If you don't sing it, you'll literally kill that poor old man.

I knew you'd say that.

Way to kill your grandfather and Hanukkah, Erica.

But this is just your classic mom guilt.

It won't work.

Pops, we need to talk.

Of course, darling.

How can I make your life better?

Damn you, he's so adorable.

So, you'll sing it.

Nope.

And if you have a problem with that, then you can just ask Barry to do it.

Barry? Please.

Just heard my name.

What am I not supposed to be hearing?

Surprise party? Award show?

Surprise award show party?

Honey, if I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?

Damn it. That logic checks out.

Well, I'm gonna go find my tuxedo T-shirt for no reason and be back around 6:00, wink, wink.

Looks like my solo's the least of your problems now that you have to throw a surprise award show party in 45 minutes.

As Erica ditched her solo, I uncovered the mystery to the "Star Wars Holiday Special." It wasn't great.

Wow.

That was so... cool.

Were we watching two different things?

You don't know "Star Wars."

This special is really for the true fan.

So, the true fan wants to watch Dorothy from "The Golden Girls" flirt with an alien?

Uh, okay, I admit it was an odd choice to have Bea Arthur manage the cantina.

Let's just move on.

And what's the deal with Lumpy and Itchy?

Chewie's family had to be named something.

Lumpy and Itchy?

Couldn't they have spent 15 more seconds on the names?

I don't know!

And I don't know why Art Carney is a family friend or why Jefferson Starship is performing for the Empire.

Starship's in their name.

That one actually makes sense to me.

Let's never speak of this again.

So, you didn't love it. Who cares?

I care!

I love "Star Wars." It's my life.

It makes no sense why I didn't love this, too.

It happens to every kid.

The older you get, the more you realize that all the things you loved as a boy are pointless.

Are you saying I'm, like... losing my sense of childlike wonder?

Well, you're not a child anymore, so, yes.

And frankly, it's about time. It happened to me when I was 6.

6?

My dad lost a bet.

We slept in a car. It was a whole thing.

Hey, good talk.

As I lost faith in Chewie and Han Solo, my mom was trying to land Erica's solo.

Hey, hey, Suzie Cinoman.

How's the number-one music and interpretive-dance teacher in Montgomery County?

What's gonna happen to me right now?

Well, all that's happening right now is that this blondie brought you some blondies.

I even sprinkled some cinnamon on top.

It's us in dessert form.

That's very nice.

I'm just, um, gonna go ahead and open this door to make sure that people know I'm okay.

Oh, come on.

Everything's just peachy.

Here. Have a bite of us.

Go on. Put it in your face.

Yum, yum.

Mm.

Mmm!

I guess we are friends now.

Best friends.

And while you're chewing on that, chew on this...

You're gonna give Erica a solo or it's your ass.

I knew it!

These blondies aren't just sprinkled with cinnamon, they're sprinkled with deceit.

Oh, give it up.

Erica has to sing about Hanukkah.

It's what her grandpa looks forward to all year.

I tried. She's just not down with the dreidel.

End of story.

Well, there must be one other fun Hanukkah song.

Think.

There's this one.

[Singing "Ma'oz Tzur" in Hebrew]

Okay, you just spit all over me.

There is that one about being frugal with oil.

I hate you right now.

Oh! I know! There's that lively little one about trying to escape the Greeks.

No! It's all no!

[Sighs]

I guess I'll just have to coax Erica into writing her own Hanukkah song, and she'll knock everyone's socks off.

I like your moxie, but I'm pretty sure that Hanukkah has been around for a while, and no one has cracked that nut yet.

I bit that top one.

And so, my mom went to give Erica something to chew on.

Hey, boopie. Whatcha doing?

Just noodling on a new song.

Oh, yeah? What's it about?

A boy who can't see what's right in front of him.

Well, I know a pretty cool boy you could write a song about.

Who?

Judah Maccabee.

Does he go to Lincoln?

No, he's been dead for 2,000 years.

Ew!

And he's the hunky warrior who saved Hanukkah!

He booted the Greeks out of the temple in Jerusalem.

He's the reason for the season.

This is starting to sound like school.

Come on. This is for Pops.

You're so talented at writing songs.

Share your gift with the world!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

If anyone in this family is gifted at music-ing, it's Big Tasty.

Okay, if he's doing this, then clearly it's a dead-end road. I'm out.

Kids, there's no need to fight over who's gonna write the perfect Hanukkah song.

Although Barry does seem to want it more.

Yes! Barry wins! In your face!

You're just trying to pit us against each other so I write you a song out of spite.

It won't work.

[Mockingly] You're just trying to pit us against each other so meow, meow, meow, meow.

Idiot, you're playing into her plan.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

[Normal voice] You're a cat, basically.

"Meow, meow, meow, meow.

I'm Garfield. I love lasagna!"

Ugh! You're so stupid! Fine!

I will write a better song than you with my eyes closed.

Oh, yeah?

Well, this will be the song that puts me on the map.

I'm guaranteed to make millions off of it.

Millions? By writing a Hanukkah song?

Think about it. What's the greatest cash cow of our time?

Give up?

It's "Happy Birthday."

Wait.

♪ Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you ♪

Dude, no one owns that song.

Wrong.

Two little old ladies wrote it 100 years ago.

Now every time it's sung on TV or movies, they get $50,000.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Boom!

That's another $50,000.

Well, now I'm gonna be the birthday guy for Hanukkah.

Ka-ching!

In your stupid face.

In yours!

I'm gonna write the best damn Hanukkah song this world's ever seen, because you suck and you make me very mad.

Yay! The Hanukkah spirit is alive!

♪

Hey, kiddo. What's shaking?

What's shaking is "Ghostbusters 2."

It's riddled with logic problems.

Since when can you use magic slime and a Nintendo controller to make the Statue of Liberty walk?

Since the ghost fellas can do anything.

Why are you being so hard on them?

After I watched that "Star Wars" special, I've been re-evaluating all the things I loved as a child.

Don't do that.

All the movies I worship have come into question.

Don't do that.

"Short Circuit 2," "Time Bandits," and don't even get me started on "Jaws 4: The Revenge."

Stop right there.

I know you love that movie.

Until now!

Why would a shark swim from New England to The Bahamas to eat a lady who's husband killed his shark friend?

Sharks have feelings, too.

"This time, it's personal."

How's that possible?

It's a fish!

Fish don't hold grudges.

Oh, so now you're a shark expert.

All these years, I was a child who blindly loved anything put in front of him, but now I'm a man.

And it's all got to go.

And so I'd throw away my childhood forever, which would be harder than I thought.

Oh!

Yep. This was gonna take a while.

Damn it!

I'm going downstairs and finding a trash can for men.

As the holiday concert got closer, my mom had a perfect plan to land Erica a solo.

So, I know I told you we'd be working on a new Hanukkah song, but we actually don't have one.

We have two.

Erica, delight our ears.

Okay.

Well, I don't want to build it up too much, but prepare yourselves for the greatest Hanukkah song ever written.

Okay.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ Hanu, Ha-Ha-Hanu ♪ ♪ Hanukkah ♪ ♪ I'm a-wishin' ♪ ♪ I'm-a wishin' ♪ ♪ A happy Hanukkah to you ♪ ♪ A happy Hanukkah to you ♪ ♪ Happy Hanukkah, dear everyone ♪ ♪ Happy Hanukkah to you ♪

Yeah, that's the birthday song.

Not fair, cheater.

I can't use that song.

I will have to pay those old ladies hundreds of thousands of dollars, and I've already spent our entire budget on construction paper for the snowflakes.

How could you let this happen, Erica?

All you had to do was write a timeless classic that would last for ages.

I got you covered, Mom.

JTP, drop the beat.

[Both beatboxing]

[Rapping] ♪ How did Hanukkah start, you all wonder ♪ ♪ Judah Maccabee, dinosaur hunter ♪ ♪ He came to Earth from outer space ♪ ♪ He hunted dinos ♪ ♪ For eight straight days! ♪

Wow.

Okay. What?

Education, y'all!

While I really do appreciate the effort even though, uh, one song was plagiarized and the other one was factually insane...

You are insane.

I added dinosaurs to a holiday about lamps.

It's called spicing it up.

Look, the "Dreidel" song was our only option and, truthfully, none of this was worth the hassle.

You can't do this to me!

To Pops. This is about him.

Not my problem.

The "Dreidel" song is cut.

But I have more sick rhymes about a dreideldactyl and menorahsaurus.

They're dino-Hanukkah hybrids who break-dance and fight crime.

Oh, ho!

[Rapping] ♪ Yo, yo, yo, I'm a dreideldactyl ♪

And I'm also late, aren't I?

♪

Hey.

I got something big to show Adam.

Where is he?

Upstairs.

He said he was gonna tear down his movie posters now that his whole world has gone to crap.

Blah, blah, blah.

I was making a sandwich.

What?

Why didn't you stop him?

Stop him?

I told him this was about time.

This happens to everybody. It just took him a few years longer.

Having unreasonable, childlike wonder is what makes Adam Adam.

It's what I love about the boy.

I guess from now on, Adam isn't Adam.

We'll call him Gary.

Who the hell's Gary?

Gary's the kid in Adam's class who's really good at baseball and rides the moped.

Ah, Gary.

So normal. So good at shortstop.

I'm gonna show Adam that there's still plenty of wonder left in this world, and you'll have to get off your tuchas to stop me.

Eh. Well played, old man.

Well played.

Kiddo, you're coming with me.

I got something fantastic you're guaranteed to love.

I'm good.

Well, imagine if they made a movie with your favorite moving-picture maker, George Lucas.

The Great Bearded One?

And what if Mr. Lucas then cast that foxy Lea Thompson from "Back in the Future"?

I'm slightly listening.

And what if I told you this very movie was from the writer of "Indiana Jones"?

I'm an adult now.

I know it's simply not possible.

And yet it is, and it's playing at the Hiway Theater.

If this movie can't restore your faith in dreaming, then nothing will.

As always, Pops was a man of his word.

Hi. Uh, three tickets for the movie about the talking duck.

Except he took me to the biggest flop of the '80s.

You know, I only see one movie a year. This better be good.

It's George Lucas!

I bet everyone in school's gonna see it.

Well, except the other Adam Goldberg in 11th grade.

He only goes to that cinema downtown that serves wine.

It's been brought to my attention that the "Dreidel Cubed" song has been cut from the holiday concert.

Honestly, it's for the best.

It's not. We got to do the "Dreidel."

She's gotten to you, hasn't she?

She who?

She is standing right outside that door, isn't she?

Yes.

So, here's the thing, Cinnabuns, this Quaker school was founded on the basis that everyone deserves a festive holiday song.

You can't have a holiday concert without any Cha-nukkah songs.

Just pick another one.

Sure, Earl.

Uh, how about one of the famous ones recorded by, oh, I don't know, Barry Manilow or Neil Diamond?

Perfect.

They only did Christmas songs. Even they knew what the audience wanted.

Well, look, if you don't do any Cha-nukkah songs, then you can't do any Christmas songs, either.

Okay, this is going off the rails.

If we can't mention the holidays, what are the kids supposed to sing about?

Oh, I don't know.

The weather? Mittens?

The damn plow guy that always skips your street?

I'm paying you!

You think of something, damn it!

Well, you've robbed the children of the holidays. I hope you're happy.

In my defense, I was only trying to undermine you.

As my mom killed the holiday concert, I was bringing my childlike wonder back to life with a brand-new legendary movie. Or so I thought.

Like they say, doll, love's strange.

We could always give it a try.

Lea Thompson: Okay.

Let's go for it, Mr. Macho.

What am I watching?!

Come on. The duck is like E.T.

He just wants to go home.

Then how come he's spending so much time managing that band?

Al, the duck's gonna make it with that lady.

What have you brought us to?

A family film.

It's a family film.

I can't watch this anymore.

Well, then let's go.

Really?

We can do that?

It's about time you learned that an adult can walk out of anything and demand his damn money back.

I do it once a year.

Let's go.

Adam, no!

It's not that bad.

A lady and a duck in bed?

Who the [bleep] thought this was a good idea?

It was the final rehearsal for the big non-holiday holiday concert.

♪ We wish a snowy Tuesday, we wish you a snowy Tuesday ♪ ♪ We wish you a snowy Tuesday and a cozy weekend ♪

[To tune of "Silent Night"]

♪ Snowy night, secular night ♪

[To tune of "O Christmas Tree"]

♪ O winter time, O winter time ♪ ♪ You come before spring and after fall ♪

[To tune of "Here Comes Santa Claus"]

♪ Here comes Uncle Doug ♪ ♪ Here comes Uncle Doug ♪ ♪ His flight gets in around 3:00 ♪

Okay, what the hell's going on?

Why are we singing terrible songs about the weather and someone's weird Uncle Doug?

Doug is my uncle and he lives in Ohio and he helps me pay my rent.

And without naming names, we are singing about the weather because of Beverly Goldberg.

Oops. I let it slip.

Wait. This is your hot mom's fault?

[All booing]

Um, Miss Cinoman, can you not just sit there and let them boo at us?

Yeah, I'm only used to wild cheering and hearing, "Aw, yeah, Barry! You the man!"

[All booing]

Mom!

Hey-ey.

You stole Christmas, and now the whole school blames us.

It was the worst day ever. People booed me.

Me!

Thank God I'm getting a surprise award show, otherwise I'd be devastated.

Honey, there's not gonna be a...

Don't. Just don't.

Look, Erica, I'm sorry.

I did not mean to ruin the concert.

Well, you did.

I'm sorry, Pops, but I'm not singing your song this year.

What are you talking about?

Don't do this, Erica.

Do not upset this lovely old man.

Ba-bap. I'm talking about the "Dreidel" song, Pops.

It's not happening.

Okay, I'm dealing with an Adam crisis here, so is this necessary?

The sweet man's busy. Leave him be.

Ba-da-bup!

Mom made me sing that song for you ever since I was in the third grade.

Oh, I see what's going on.

Your mother's lied to you for a decade.

Have fun with that.

You're unbelievable.

Okay, okay.

Here's the thing.

I might have slightly used Pops to guilt you into singing for me.

Well, did it ever occur to you to just ask me like a normal person?

Please! I gave up on that years ago.

Look, when you were a little girl, every day, you used to dress up and put on shows for me.

It was everything.

I remember that.

Well, those days are gone.

Now it's a "no" anytime I ask anything of you.

So, I tricked you.

I just love hearing my little girl sing.

I actually understand your point.

Good.

'Cause I'm done trying to trick you.

If you don't want to sing, you don't have to.

I know I don't have to, but now that you finally asked, I kind of want to.

That night, my sister gave my mom the Hanukkah gift she'd always wanted... the joy of hearing her little girl sing.

♪ Think of your fellow man ♪ ♪ Lend him a helping hand ♪ ♪ Put a little love in your heart ♪ ♪ You see it's getting late ♪ ♪ Oh, please, don't hesitate ♪ ♪ Put a little love in your heart ♪ ♪ And the world ♪ ♪ And the world ♪ ♪ Will be a better place ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ And the world ♪ ♪ And the world ♪ ♪ Will be a better place ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ For you ♪ ♪ For you ♪ ♪ And me ♪ ♪ And me ♪

And, as it turned out, Pops had a gift for me, too.

♪ And see... ♪

Thought you might want this back.

"Holiday Special?"

Did you actually watch it?

Yep, and guess what?

I think you missed something pretty big.

This guy. Know him?

Of course. Boba Fett.

He's my favorite character.

Got to admit, he was pretty cool in this.

Wait a second.

This was made way before "Empire Strikes Back," so if you think about it, the "Holiday Special" gave us the Fett.

All I know is with the right point of view, this special really is... pretty damn special.

♪ Just wait ♪

Pops.

Um...

I don't get it.

How do you manage to always see the good in everything?

It's easy if you never lose your childlike wonder.

It doesn't matter how old you are.

People like us always have it.

Really?

Really.

I need you to promise me one thing.

Always hold on to that wonder, no matter what.

I will, Pops.

I love you.

I know.

♪ Put a little love in your heart ♪

And with that, Pops reminded me that if you truly love something, you never grow out of it. That's the thing about the holidays. Even the biggest Scrooge might be moved by a sense of wonder.

You... replaced my favorite posters.

I guess it's a holiday miracle.

Once I saw the good in the "Star Wars" special, I began to see the good in everything. And so I went back to finish "Howard the Duck." Turns out he became a legendary cult badass.

Aren't you glad we came back and saw the end?

Oh, yeah.

I wish I was half as cool as Howard.

He does have a way with the ladies.

[Both laugh]

♪ There's got to be a better way ♪ ♪ Put a little love in your heart ♪

That's my baby girl!

[Laughs] That's my baby.

♪ Don't you think it's time for a start? ♪ ♪ Put a little love in your heart ♪

[Cheers and applause]

I had to lie to make this happen, but it was totally worth it.

♪ And on Christmas morn ♪ ♪ We will marvel at the greatest gift of all ♪

[Rapping] ♪ Who's da mack? It's Judah Mac ♪ ♪ Hunting dinosaurs in his dope jet pack ♪ ♪ What's that noise? It sounds like thunder ♪ ♪ It's Judah Maccabee, dinosaur hunter ♪

Barry: ♪ He once choked out a Tyrannosaurus ♪ ♪ He's looks just like a Hebrew Chuck Norris ♪ ♪ He's hunting dinos, his name is Judah ♪ ♪ Half of his brain is a computer ♪ ♪ There's no dinosaur that he hasn't destroyed ♪ ♪ He's killed more dinos than an asteroid ♪ ♪ Want to fight Judah? You gotta be kidding ♪ ♪ He has a pet dragon that'll do his bidding ♪ ♪ He also has a staff that controls the weather ♪ ♪ His wife's named Locklear, first name Heather ♪ ♪ This entire rap is straight-up factual ♪ ♪ Now drop that beat and spin the dreideldactyl ♪