Last Tango in Philly

(THEME SONG PLAYING) You know what I love most about these tortilla chips? They're free. We need more chips over here, por favor. Senorita? Los waitress. Stop calling me "waitress. " I have a name, you know. Yeah, "Ramona. " Yes, it's Spanish for Topanga. Look it up. And why are you being so rude? Listen, girls, it's your first day of work, okay? We're just trying to break you in by doing our little obnoxious customer routine. Shawn? This is cubed ice. I asked for crushed. Oh, and this is the salsa for your chips. Thank you. So, ladies, we thought you might want to celebrate your first day in the work field by taking us out to dinner. Well, actually, we were thinking of going out with a bunch of people from work. Yeah, you two should join us. Well, we'd love to. Good. We're going dancing. No! Dancing? Puh! Yeah. Puh! Shawn, we really like dancing. You should come with us. It'll be fun. Cor, maybe I should go dancing, you know? My relationship with Angela is new. I don't want to disappoint her. Hey. You're a guy. She's got to get used to it. Shawn, we are men, okay? Now if men don't want to dance, we do not dance. Tonight we do what men do. Right! What's that? We go to the gym! We pump some iron. And we sweat. Are there private showers? Well, there better be. So, guys? Dancing? Yes? No? No, no. You girls go with your friends from work and do your little dance routine. Shawn, does that go for you, too? Are you sure I'm not going to get hurt on this? It's the way God intended it. No, go dance. It's God's will. (LATIN ACCENT) So, ladies. You're coming dancing tonight with myself and my equally handsome and beautiful friend Sergio? Yes? Yes. Boy, we pumped a ton of iron last night. How you feeling? Good. How about you? Good. You want to help me take off my jacket? Yeah. Listen, what's important is we had a good time doing our guy thing, and the girls got dancing out of their systems. I just wonder if Nunzio or Sergio tried anything. I don't trust anyone with that many zippers on their pants. I'm going to ask. Never! And appear to be jealous? You never ask. Never. Under any circumstances. Hey, guys. What happened last night? You see what I did there? Nothing happened. We danced. I am a little tired. (CHUCKLES) You got a problem. Boy, that Nunzio sure knows how to move. Oh, I got a problem, too. Sergio's no slouch on the dance floor, either. I didn't ask. Why, Topanga, I think they're jealous. I am not jealous, okay? Did he touch you? Sergio or Nunzio? What difference does it make? Angela, you were out with other guys, dancing and sweating. And what is with all those zippers? We asked you to come along. Yes, and I believe your words were, "Puh!" Puh-ssibly. We like to dance. Our friends from work like to dance. We did nothing wrong. What's the big deal? It's no big deal. It's no big deal at all. (BELL RINGS) So, then, you guys will come with us next time? Hey. Wouldn't miss it. We're going dancing with them? No. We're going to the gym so we can beat the zippers off of Sergio and Nunzio. There are the girls. Okay, remember, if they ask, we are not here because we're jealous of the gorgeous Latin men. We're here for the el grande burrito for $2. 99. Got it. Okay. Let's go. Hey! What are you guys doing here? We're here to beat up Sergio and Nunzio. Shawn! But we'd like to start with two el grande burritos, please. Chicken, beef. Look, Cory, you can't do this. This is the busiest night of the week. Angela? Sorry we can't talk. We got tables. (SCOFFS) Of all the lame excuses, "We've got tables. " Welcome to El Coyote. I'm the manager. Yeah, I know who you are. We met the other night, Sergio. No, I am Nunzio. Sergio is the one with the big muscles and the handsome smile. Where? Over there. Talking to Angela. SHAWN: Hey, Sergio! Hands offio. Oh, yes. You are Shawn. The one who belittles the art of the dance. We could take you. And don't tell me. You are Cory. The luckiest man alive, for you are dating Topanga, who is as beautiful as a flower. No, no, no, no. Not a flower. A garden. A garden full of beautiful flowers. Your words are beautiful. Gracias. And because you are special to Topanga and Angela, you are special to Nunzio. I give you a special table. And please don't order off the children's menu anymore. Hey, Topanga, what time did you say you're getting off? Cory, I'm carrying a sizzling plate of fajitas. Ow, ow, ow, ow! What's with her tonight? Maybe Angela knows what's bothering her. Angela, honey? Sorry, I got a table of 12. You're not fooling anyone. All right, enough of this. Topanga! TOPANGA: What? Topanga! What? I'd like a baby burrito, a junior taco, and your boyfriend would also like to know what time his girlfriend's getting home from work. I told you, I don't know. I bet Sergio and Nunzio would know. Stop that! Look, I need to concentrate on my work right now, and I'm having a hard time doing that with you here. I'll call you when I have a better idea of what time I'm through. Topanga, table 5, please. Got it. Sure, for Nunzio, she has all the time in the world. Hey, George? Check it out. Satellite TV, Amy must be thrilled. So that's it? That's our Saturday night? You installing that stupid dish? Oh, honey, look. Just let me set it up, and the rest of the night is yours, all right? Yeah, I believe that. Hey, Dad. I think you got a bad satellite dish, man. I don't see anything yet. Just hold the ladder, all right? And don't speak! Hello, Katherine. George Feeny. Good evening. Pleasant evening for a stroll, isn't it? What are you doing home on a Saturday night? A handsome man like yourself. Stop that. I'm about to sit in front of a fire, enjoy a glass of sherry, and dive into a good book. Alone? Yes. Alone. Well, I was going to go up the street to Starbucks and have a coffee, also alone. Well, I hear they make a heck of a mocha. Good night, Katherine. Mr. Feeny? What? A hotty like Kathy Anderson asks you out, and you just blow her off? She asked me out? She was practically throwing herself at you. When? (IMITATING KATHERINE) "I'm going to Starbucks, also alone. " I heard that. She wanted some coffee. Yeah, with a side of you. She thinks you're cute. Wait a minute. You think she wanted a date? Ah! Now you're getting it. Why didn't I see that? Well, Mr. Feeny, I'm in college. You're still in high school. ALAN: Eric! What? Push, push, push, push! I can't. Come on, you wimp. Now push. Sergio could. Nunzio could. Nunzio! That's one. Okay, your turn. (EAST EUROPEAN ACCENT) That was a good rep. You did not give up on it. Thank you. Cor, we trust our girls, right? Of course, we trust them. That's why I'm going to call Topanga. She won't get mad? No, no. She'll be flattered. Women love that kind of attention. Well, when you're done with Topanga, put Angela on. I want to flatter her, too. Hola. This is Nunzio. Hello, Nunzio. El Coyote is now closed. If this is for reservations, please call tomorrow during normal business hours. If you need to contact me, Topanga, Sergio, or Angela, you can reach us at the Boom Boom Room at 438 TOPANGA: Thanks, guys. Cory, what are you doing here? No, here's a better question. What are you doing here? I live here. Well, if you live here, why aren't you inside at 12:00 at night? Well, we worked late, and a bunch of us went out. I know, Topanga, but you were supposed to call me. I did call you. Your mom said you were out for the evening. So, where did you go, dancing? Yes, Cory. I like it, especially after a long night at work. Okay. It helps me unwind. Okay, so Cory's not home. You just run off with Nunzio to the Boom Boom Room. How did you know I was at the Boom Boom Room? I called the restaurant, okay? It was on the machine. So you were checking up on me? No. No. I was checking on tomorrow's special. I mean, the seafood enchilada for $3. 50? How do they do that? I mean, the shrimp It's so big. Cory, I don't like this jealous side of you. Nunzio is just a friend who likes to dance. I've asked you to take me dancing a million times. This has nothing to do with that. I forbid you to see him again. I'm going to bed. I forbid you to go to bed. You know, I don't get women. (GRUNTS) Why can't they be more like men? Yeah, I'll tell you one thing. There'd be a lot less Emma Thompson movies. Hi, guys. Hey, Sonja. Hey, Cookie. Looking good. Go for the burn. Cor, let's try to figure this thing out. The girls want to dance more than anything in the world. And we want to make them happy. Okay, there's got to be a simple solution to all of this. Anything? Nothing. Wait! Here it comes. Okay. The girls talk about how it's okay to have guys who are just "friends". Well, what if we got ourselves a couple of girls who are just "friends"? Cory, that's brilliant. That's the simple solution. You know what, Shawn? I've got a strange craving for Mexican. Oh, I am right with you. You think they deliver? I told Shawn, Sergio and I are just friends, and he practically called me a liar. Cory did the exact same thing to me. It's like they're sharing a brain, and there's not enough for one. Having friends of the opposite sex is such a simple idea. Why can't they get it? Because since the beginning of time, men have been idiots. This will never change. But the truth is, if my girlfriend went out dancing with somebody who looked like me, I would be insane as well. Well, maybe we should be a little more understanding. Yeah, we did kind of throw Sergio and Nunzio in their faces. Ooh, that has got to hurt. Maybe we should cut them some slack. Hold that thought. Okay, ladies, order anything you want. Okay? When you're out with us, calories don't count. Ooh! Chimichangas, here I come. Nunzio! Not even Nunzio could help you now. Hi, guys. Topanga, come here. We want you to meet our friends. Okay, this is Cookie and Sonja. Sonja can bench-press 300 pounds. That's very impressive. It's nice to meet you. Thank you. Bring me a cola. You got it. Topanga, Topanga. You didn't tell us what you think of our "friends. " (LAUGHS) Good one. Well, they seem like very nice, attractive, well-toned girls. You're jealous. You are the man. How dumb are you? Almost as dumb as Cory. I told him it would backfire. So, did Cory tell you why exactly you were here? He said we would have a romantic dinner, and I could maybe get my green card. I'm pretty sure I said greeting card. They brought you here to make us, their girlfriends, jealous. I'll be right back with your cola. So you're just using us? So then what happened? I just don't get Lucy, you know? I call her up, she says she's sick in bed, and chicken soup will make her feel better. Mmm-hmm. I said it probably would. Then I went bowling. Now she's mad at me. Maybe she wanted you to bring her the chicken soup. (SIGHS) Well, why didn't she just say so? Women, man. They speak in code. Hey, Mr. Feeny? How did your date go with Kathy? Well, it seemed to be going quite well. I mean, she even invited me into her home. Ooh! Go, Feeny. Go, Feeny. She read me some of her poetry and asked what I thought. And I told her. Well, I mean, you told her you loved it, right? I said it was promising for a beginner. She said she'd been writing for 20 years. And here I am. Okay, see, that's not what she wanted to hear. Well, then, why did she ask? He's been chicken-souped. AMY: Alan, it's me or that satellite dish. You make the choice. (SIGHING) Hey, guys. Angela doesn't even get me. It's like Topanga and me are speaking different languages. Well, one thing's obvious. It's not us, it's them. Yeah. Well, now, wait a minute. Maybe we should all just think a second. No. Shawn and I tried that. It doesn't work. Okay, I've been silent long enough. Guys, I've been working on a theory. Men are idiots. What? What? No, wait, there's more. All right, there it is. Men are big idiots. ALL: Oh. Yeah, see that? So what do we do? You know, maybe we should just try listening to them. (ALL LAUGHING) I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. That's crazy talk. Maybe we should try Cory's thinking thing again. (POP MUSIC PLAYING) What is the matter tonight, Topanga? You're not enjoying Nunzio as I am enjoying Nunzio. It's Cory. He hasn't called me in two days. You know, I don't care if he won't dance. I miss him. He misses you, too. Of this I am sure. I just called the apartment again. They're not there. Of course, they're not there. Of this I am sure. Oh, Topanga. This is great. Thank you. Mr. Matthews is okay with this? Oh, he is so stuck in front of that satellite TV, he doesn't even know I'm here. He knows you are here. Of this I am sure. Katherine? What are you doing here? I love dancing. I wish there was a way to get your neighbor here. Come on, Topanga. I miss Shawn, too, but let's just try to have fun. I can't have fun. I really want to be with Cory. Why do men have to be so stubborn? Ladies? Hello. Since the beginning of time, men have been idiots. This will make up for it. (BOTH EXCLAIM) (HOT STUFF PLAYING) Where did you learn to dance? "Everyone can learn to dance. Of this I am sure. " Nunzio taught you how to dance? Yeah, but he didn't teach me how to do this. Hey, come on. Show me that spin move. This little thing? Oh, where did you learn to step like that? (BOTH LAUGH) Channel 728. The Saturday Night Fever channel. All Travolta, all the time. You know, George, I did write another poem. Oh, I don't have to read it. It's wonderful. Check this out. You like to dance? Um, no, thanks. I'm not really good at dancing. That was not a question. Whoa! So, have you heard of the Lord of the Dance? It's me.