Run, Steven Staven! Run!


 * Lyndsey: Nothing to talk about.
 * Alan: Oh, yeah, right. Like a woman is ever done... She's mad at me.
 * Herb: They're hot when, they're angry, aren't they?
 * Alan: Oh, Herb. Geez, you scared me.
 * Herb: Little trouble in paradise?
 * Alan: Oh, yeah, you know, relationships...
 * Herb: Hey, want to come across the street for a beer and talk about it?
 * Alan: Oh, sure. Thanks. So, uh what are you doing over here anyway?
 * Herb: Oh, just seeing if Lyndsey's coming out for her 6:15 jog.
 * Alan: Oh, you jog with her?
 * Herb: No.
 * (At Judith & Herb's House)
 * Alan: Oh, you know, I don't think Judith is going to be, too happy to see me.
 * Herb: Oh, don't worry. She's gone.
 * Alan: Okay, when you say "gone" do you mean she's travelng, or is her head in that cooler
 * Herb: She left me, Al.
 * Alan: Oh, my God, what happened?
 * Herb: Yeah, I had a moment of weakness with my receptionist. Actually, 36 and a half moments of weakness.
 * Alan: Uh, a half?
 * Herb: Judith walked in during 37.
 * Alan: Herb, how could you?
 * Herb: This is my receptionist.
 * Alan: I would have finished 37 while she was watching.


 * Billy: Hey, man, thanks for inviting me over. I really appreciate it.
 * Walden: Ah, come one, you'd do the same thing for me.
 * Billy: We both know that's not true. but ut's sweet of you to say.
 * Walden: And besides, breakups are like a bruise, and I want to be there when yours turns from dark purple to yellow.
 * Billy: That is the meanest thing you've ever said. Kudos. Okay, here's a question: who's your dream schtupp?
 * Walden: What?
 * Billy: Any woman in the world, one night, who's it going to be?
 * Walden: Oh, that's easy: Kate.
 * Billy: Oh, see, right there. That's why I wouldn't have you over. Who picks their ex-girlfriends? I mean, I'm talking any woman in the world.
 * Walden: Okay, dead or alive?
 * Billy: (scoffs) It doesn't matter.
 * Walden: Do I have to know her?
 * Billy: Nope.
 * Walden: What if she doesn't like me?
 * Billy: I... for the love of God. In the game she has to like you.
 * Walden: Okay. Can she be animated?
 * Billy: Like a-like a cartoon? What? You want to be chomped by Ms. Paceman?
 * Walden: No, but I always had these werid feelings when I used to see Bugs Bunny in drag.
 * Billy: Fine, she can be animated.
 * Walden: Her place or mine?
 * Billy: Who cares?
 * Walden: I do. It's hard for me to relax in strange surroundings.
 * Billy: Okay, you know what? Just forget it.
 * Walden: But-but I didn't pick a girl.
 * Billy: Just shut up. You ruin everything.
 * Walden: Mother Teresa.
 * Billy: What?!
 * Walden: That woman gave her whole life for the benefit of mankind. And one man should give her a little something back.
 * Alan: Hey guys.
 * Walden: Hey!
 * Billy: Oh, hey. Hi. Oh, Alan's girlfriend is taller than I would have thought.
 * Alan: Herb, uh, you remember Walden. This is Billy.
 * Herb: Oh. Hello, Billy. Alan tells me you got, uh, dumped by Walden's ex-wife. Yeah. I got dumped by Alan's ex-wife. I guess that makes us dump brothers.
 * Billy (laughing): That's uh... Who is this guy?
 * Walden: You don't recognize your own dump brother?
 * Alan: Herb is the most recent victim of Judith's unrelenting assault on mankind.
 * Billy: Oh, it sounds like just the kind of horrible ball-breaker I always end up with.
 * Walden: Hm-hmm.
 * Billy: She available?
 * Herb: Not emotionally.
 * Alan: And she's only physically available twice a year.
 * Herb: Twice.
 * Alan: Uh, birthdays and Valentine's Day.
 * Herb: Oh, that explains it. My birthday's on Valentine's Day.
 * Walden: I thought you were going to see Lyndsey.
 * Alan: I did... right as she was going out on a date.
 * Billy: Gut-punch.
 * Walden: Yikes.
 * Herb: With her gynecologist.
 * Walden: Shut up!
 * Alan: What?
 * Billy: That man is a trained vagina handler. You do not want him down there.
 * Alan: He-He's already been down there.
 * Walden: Yeah, on business. You don't want him to return on a pleasure cruise.
 * Billy: I mean, I mean, he could take apart and reassemble her undercarriage blindfold.
 * Herb: You're more like a guy trying to put a bookshelf together from IKEA.
 * Alan: Well, you know what? I don't care. I don't need her.
 * Billy: That's a good attitude.
 * Walden: Hm-hmm.
 * Herb: Exactly, Who needs women?
 * Billy: Not me.
 * Walden: Me, neither.
 * Alan: Uh-uh.
 * Walden: Know what we should do?
 * Billy: Go to a bar and pick up some women?
 * Alan & Walden: Yup.


 * Alan: (sighs) I don't know what the problem is.This is delighteul. Oh! Oh, boy.
 * Lyndsey: Alan?
 * Alan: Oh Lyndsey. Lyndsey, hi Hi. I-I just need two minutes.
 * Lyndsey: Were you peeing in my bushes?
 * Alan: What? No. No. Hi. I'm, uh... I'm Alan Harper.
 * Dr. Steven Staven: No thanks.
 * Lyndsey: Alan, this is not a good time.
 * Alan: Okay, just-just hear me out, okay?
 * Dr. Steven Staven: Look, she said this wasn't a good time.
 * Walden: Get him!
 * Alan: Whoa, whoa.
 * Lyndsey: Walden, what are you doing?
 * Dr. Steven Staven: Hey, put me down.
 * Walden: You'll thank us later.
 * Dr. Steven Staven: What are you doing? Put me down. Who are you?
 * Herb: You look lovely, Lyndsey.
 * Lyndsey: What the hell is going on?
 * Alan: I swear I had nothing to do with this?
 * Lyndsey: What why did they just take my date away?
 * Alan: Don't worry I-I think they just want to help.
 * Lyndsey: Help of what?


 * Walden: Sorry about kidnapping you.
 * Steven Staven: Ah, don't worry about it. It was never gonna work with Lyndsey and me. Outside of her vagina, we have nothing in common.
 * Herb: Doctor, an I ask you a medical question? Is it beautiful?
 * Walden: Herb. Sorry about that, Dr. Staven.
 * Steven Staven: Oh, please, call me Steven.
 * Walden: Well, Steven Staven?
 * Steven Staven: It's made, a stronger person.
 * Herb: You know, you wear that robe better than Judith ever did.
 * Billy: Really? I feel boxy.
 * Herb: No, no.
 * (Dog barks)
 * Billy: What was that?
 * (Dog growling)
 * Walden: Uh-oh.
 * Billy: Oh, crap.
 * Walden: Run, Steven Staven! Run!
 * (Herb, Billy, Steven & Walden are running in the sidewalk)
 * Herb: Oh, wait!
 * Billy: Herb's down!
 * Walden: Leave him!
 * Herb: Oh, dear God, help me! Tell Lyndsey I love her!