Now George Noah's Ex-Zack-ly What Happened

Where's Carmen's diary? I know seeing Zack behind our backs is huge, but I don't feel good about this. You have a better way to find out what else she's lying about? But once we open her diary, we'll be breaking a bond of trust. If they're having sex, Angie, you could be a grandma. I'll rip that lock off with my teeth. - Mom, Dad, I don't want to - Hey. - What's happening? - How often do you guys do this? Every time there's an earthquake. You didn't feel that? Aftershock. - I thought you left for school. - I changed my mind. - Well, what's the matter? - I don't wanna go. If I failed, I'm just gonna have to sit there like an idiot while everyone else is all happy, signing their yearbooks. Okay, well, you listen to me, Max. Okay, you could fail the fifth grade every year until we're old and senile, okay? Then you could dress us up in funny clothes and charge the neighborhood kids to ride us. And you will still be a better child than Carmen. - Now, honey, go to school. GEORGE: Oh, wait, wait. - Hey, where's Carmen's diary? - Taped under her desk. Max, reading someone's diary is a horrible invasion of their privacy. What's horrible is page 73. I mean, I've seen Carmen clean her ears. Why would someone wanna put their tongue in there? ANGIE: What does it say? - I'm trying to find something about Zack. [SIGHS] What? - Oh, my God. - What? Did she sleep with him? Is she on drugs? "Big news at the Lopez house. Dad bought another stupid football jersey. Hello, old man, you don't play for the Raiders. You never did, and you never could. " I could have been in the special teams if I didn't hurt my knee stretching. [GEORGE SPEAKS IN SPANISH] Look at this. She was talking about Zack over a month ago. Okay, well, find the last thing she wrote about him. "I love Zack so much, and I know he wants my first time to be special but I don't think the back of his truck is romantic no matter how many pillows he has back there. " Hey, hey, man, I thought we told you to go to school. I know, but you can go through my room now. Oh! Oh, my God. What is that smell? Hello, Benita. Please hear me out. I know postponing our marriage put a terrible hurt on you and I'm gonna regret that as long as I live, but I needed some time to think. I needed to be alone, so I wandered the desert for four days and four nights. You know, like the chosen people did, but shorter. And that's when it happened to me. I was sitting on this rock, sweating and meditating when all of a sudden a bunch of kids with glow sticks and pacifiers came out of nowhere and started dancing around me. That's when I knew what I wanted. First, to get the hell out of there. Then, to marry you. [SCREAMS] Had it coming. You don't get it. We're done! I want you out of my life! If I ever see you again, I will peel your skin back and gut you like a Christmas pig! This is good, we're dialoguing. [SCREAMS] Had it coming. Out! I'll leave, but this isn't over. I know you're as stubborn as a truck stop faucet, but so am I. I'm gonna win you back, Benita Lopez. I'll call you. Love you! - Hey, Mel, can I talk to you in my office? - Sure. Mel, do you know about your son? If you were a Vietnamese cocktail waitress with a DNA sample this would be one heck of a deja vu. Your son, Zack, has been sneaking around behind my back and seeing Carmen. Wow! Man, that kid gets more smart, classy girls than he deserves. I don't want this to affect our relationship but, you know, Zack got kicked out of school and he got a girl pregnant, and I don't want him to see my daughter. Ah, come on, George. You're blowing this out of proportion. They're a couple of teenage kids. Probably won't last more than a couple of weeks. A lot can happen in a couple of weeks. I mean, she's a 15-year-old girl with low self-esteem. Well, who dropped the ball there, huh, Daddy? Tell your son to stay away from my daughter. George, that boy doesn't listen to a word I say. He can do whatever he wants because you're too afraid to be a father? Whoa, whoa. Watch it, George. I'm not afraid to be your boss. Remember who you're talking to. Okay, look, Mel. Don't make me choose between my job and my daughter, because I'm irrational right now. I'm light-headed, and I just might pick the girl. Is Carmen in back? I need to talk to her. ERNIE: No, Ms. Carmen, she not here. But she just texted me to meet her here. ERNIE: No, she don't. That's right, it's me, Ernie. Sit down. What's going on? The owner's my friend. He's letting me use this place to deal with a problem. My dad knows I'm here. You know, my dad? Your boss. - I don't care. - And you know what? Me either. I got $15,000 in the bank. I'll live off the interest. Ernie, that's $300 a year. She's your daughter, I shouldn't talk so big. I warned you to stay away from my daughter and you didn't. I'm not warning anymore. I wanna hear right now that you're done with Carmen. Okay, Mr. Lopez. Because you asked me so nicely, you have my word that I won't see her again. This is working. Listen, punk, I'm not gonna say it again. You're done seeing my daughter. It's over. I think it'll be over when Carmen gets out of bed to make me a sandwich. No, George! George, no! George! George, it's not worth it! Next time, Ernie's not gonna be here! Man. Heh. Yeah, I remember when the nurse put Carmen in your arms and you said, "Oh, my God, she's so beautiful. When she starts dating, I'm not gonna know what to do. " And I said, "George, don't worry, man. When that time comes, you'll know. " - What's your point? - Well, I just wanna apologize. You're right. You've got no idea what you're doing. What are you doing here? I saw Carmen walking up the driveway. I wanted to catch the fireworks. So how does it feel? Fifteen years of bad parenting about to pay off. Fifteen years of hollow threats, serious, disapproving looks There's the look. - Mom, get out, or else - There's the hollow threat. - I don't believe you. - Showtime, monkeys! - You can't threaten my boyfriend. - The fake, gay, cover boyfriend? Or the boyfriend you've been seeing behind our backs for a month? - You read my diary? I hate you. - I know. It's written on every page in here. "I hate Dad. God, I hate Dad. " "Hey, old lady, hang up the miniskirt, you're not 15 anymore. " Oh, that one's about you. - You had no right to read this. - You lost all your rights by lying to us. And if we have to look in your diary to find the truth about Zack, we'll do it. Oh, you wanna know the truth? Well, here it is! I'm dating Zack because I love him, and he loves me too. Carmen, he doesn't love you. He's just using you. He told me he was gonna dump you as soon as he gets you in bed. - Wake up. CARMEN: You're lying. You hate him so much, you'd say anything to keep us apart. Yeah, did I make up that he vandalized the factory? That he got a girl pregnant? He didn't even respect the girl enough to be safe. You don't understand Zack. His dad was never there for him and his mom's a bitter, old drunk. You have no idea what that's like. You wanna field that one? Okay, you know what? End of discussion. We didn't raise you this far so you could screw up your life with Zack. There is no way in hell that you are ever gonna see him again. You can't stop me. I'm almost 16. I'm almost a woman. I could do whatever I want. Not as long as you live in this house. If you don't like it here, go live somewhere else. George, calm down. I'm not gonna calm down. I'm tired of her disrespecting us. Go see what it's like out there. Send us a postcard. George! Don't expect me to come looking for you. I wish you weren't my dad. I'm graduating! I passed the fifth grade. Honey, that's great. We are so proud of you. Hey, Grandma, you might wanna stand up now because those pigs are gonna be flying out of your butt! Carmen is locked in her room. She still won't talk to me. You went too far last night. Angie, sometimes you have to give kids an ultimatum to scare some sense into them. And that worked when your mom did it to you? Yeah. One time, I remember my mom saying: "Hey, if you don't like it here, I don't like you here. Get out. " - What did you do? - I stopped throwing my peas off the high chair. - Honey, do you want something to eat? - No, I'm just going to school. What's that for? CARMEN: I'm sorry, Daddy. I'm sorry I lied. I'll stop seeing Zack. Okay, I'm sorry I had to be so tough on you but I only did it because I love you. I know. Okay, well, I still think you're wrong about Zack. But I guess until I'm 18, I don't really have a choice. Honey, I know you have a broken heart right now but I promise, you will get through this, huh? Yeah. I'll see you at Max's graduation. [DOOR CLOSES] Huh? How about that? Natural parent. [WHISTLES] Book parent. Instincts. Opposite of instincts. George. [KNOCK ON DOOR] Benny, don't say nothing. Just listen. - Who are you calling? - The police. I'm gonna report a justified homicide. Just hand me those scissors over there. Now, you listen to me, woman! Why should I ever listen to you, ever, ever again? You practically walked out on me at the altar for your old girlfriend! I told you, I needed time to think. But now I know. I don't care about Amy. I don't care about having kids. All I care about is spending the rest of my life with you. So that's it, huh? You expect me to just take you back because you have decided that you are ready, huh? Okay. Well, I knew this wasn't going to be easy. So I called in a favor from my roadie days with The Commodores. Benita, I have no choice but to turn to a song they wrote that sums up exactly how I feel about you. You really think you're gonna win me over with "Three Times a Lady"? I wasn't planning to. [PLAYING "BRICK HOUSE"] [SINGING] Oh, she's a brick house She's mighty, mighty Just letting it all hang out Oh, she's a brick Everybody in the house say House I like a lady stacked And that's a fact Ain't holding nothing back Oh, she's a brick house Well put together What's going on? Oh, Randy's just trying to win me back. Say the word, Mom, and I'll kick his ass. BENNY: It's all right. - That's good, because I love this song. 36-24-36 What a helping hand 'Cause she's a brick Everybody, come on, say House Yeah, she's mighty, mighty Just letting it all hang out Now, she's a brick Come on, come on House, yep I like a lady stacked And that's a fact Ain't holding nothing back Oh, she's a brick house She's the one, the only one [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] Michael Jakes. - Hope Ericson. - Where's Carmen? - She's gonna miss Max getting his diploma. - She called. She's running late. She wanted to change out of her uniform. She'll never get here. She's probably going through every outfit in her closet. "Too fat. Too thin. No hips. " It's true, I have a very hard time buying pants. Look over there. - He's so cute in his cap and gown. - Make sure you take his picture because the next diploma that kid sees is gonna say "transmission expert" on it. He's moving on to middle school. You should enjoy it. This is a good day for us. Things could be worse. I'm gonna call, make sure she's on her way. MAN [ON PA]: Gary Johnson. Hey, Maxie! Congratulations, little buddy! What's with you? You hate these things. Ronny Kaplan. Angie has taught me it's important to celebrate these moments because that is what makes life special. Michael Kelly. Jeff Kemp. Way to go. It's your Scotch. - Oh, my God. - What? It's Carmen. CARMEN: Mom, Dad. I'm sorry, but I just can't live at home anymore. Zack will take care of me. I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted. Max Lopez. This is the most recent picture of her. Look, all we know is that she's with this Zack Powers. His dad said he disappeared this morning and took $5000. Look, we'll put your daughter's name in the database of runaways but there's not much we can do at this point. BENNY: That's it? That's what my tax dollars are paying for? Ma'am, you look familiar. Have we met before? George, this cop is never gonna find your daughter. He has arrested me three times, and he still doesn't remember me. You're the woman we maced, who said, "Is that all you got?" Officer. Listen, if we hear anything, we'll let you know. Mom, is Carmen coming back? [DOOR CLOSES] Honey, don't worry about it. Of course she's coming back. Then how about I take her room and she can have my smaller room as punishment? Anyone? BENNY: Let's get something to eat. Honey. It's not your fault. You were just trying to protect her. I'm gonna call some of Carmen's friends. GIRL: Daddy? Can you help me put this together? Not now, Carmen, I'm busy. I'm gonna go find her. I don't want you seeing my daughter. It's over. I think it'll be over when Carmen gets out of bed to make me a sandwich. ERNIE: No, George! George, no, no! [ALL SHOUTING] Listen, we have a great season and we want it to thank everybody for watching. Check out your favorite episodes during the summer. And be sure to join us for all-new season of George Lopez this fall. Okay, enough with the butt kissing. Who won the disneyland contest? Congragulations. Have a great time. And goodnight, everybody.