Dr. Quymn, Medicine Woman

The Venture Bros.: Season: 3 Episode: 6

[incomplete]

EXT – Jungle – Day

(CLOSE-UP on Dr. Rusty Venture’s feet as he runs, panting. CLOSE-UP on the feet of the angry natives chasing him. They shout angrily. Doc manages to pop a few pills as he runs. Finally, he runs out of the brush and into a clearing. He holds a golden idol over his head.)

Dr. Rusty Venture: BROOOOOOCK!

(The natives stop at the treeline and begin firing blowdart guns at him. Doc takes several darts in the back, but keeps running. The natives keep firing, and eventually, Doc slows down, dropping the idol as he sways about in a woozy fashion. He drags his feet through a rope trap that catches, suspending him from a tree branch by his ankle. The natives surround him and point their spears in his face.)

Quymn: (OS) 

(POV DOC – He looks up (down from our perspective) and sees Dr. Tara Quymn, silhouetted by the sunlight, standing on a sturdy tree branch. She jumps down as the natives part. She walks up to Dr. Venture, still silhouetted, and takes a closer look at him.)

Quymn: Rusty?

(Blood splatter wipe to intro)

FADE TO:

EST. – EXT – The Venture Compound – Night – the 1960s

(SLOW ZOOM IN A party is going on inside.)

INT – Venture Compound – Cont.

(PAN across the party. Many of Jonas Venture’s famous friends are there, standing around, chatting. The doorbell rings, in the tone of the Venture Bros. theme.)

Jonas Venture: Nobody move! I’ll get it! Ha HA! (He boogies over to the front door. The doorbell rings again just before he opens it, revealing Colonel Gentleman.)

Colonel Gentleman: Colonel FUN has arrived! (Stepping inside, he sets his hat on Helper’s head and takes the drink out of Jonas’s hand.) Ah, you read my mind. I need a stiff one in me after that car ride.

'''Mz. Quymn': (in the doorway'') Why, was I too fast for you, Horace?

Colonel Gentleman: Never let a woman drive your Astin, Jonjie. This one holds a stick like it’s got herpes!

'''Mz. Quymn''': Who knows, with all the strange garages you park it in. (She tosses her coat into Helper’s arms and takes the drink from Gentleman.) Hello, Dr. Venture.

Jonas: Mz. Quymn. (He kisses her hand.)

Colonel Gentleman: More like Mz. Ballwicks-Buster. If she won’t take my name, maybe she’ll take a smack in her smart mouth. (He hold up his hand menacingly.)

'''Mz. Quymn''': Try me.

(He holds her chin instead and kisses her on the cheek. They turn to see their little girl standing in the doorway.)

Tara: (OS) Mum, are you and Horace quarreling again?

'''Mz. Quymn''': No, Tara.

Jonas: (bending down to greet her) Ohh, hello, Sunshine! Got your nose!

(Tara giggles, then holds her arms out for a hug.)

Jonas: (turning around) Kano! Take Tara downstairs, would you?

(She screams as Kano picks her up and puts her on his shoulder. Meanwhile, her parents have already found their way into the party.)

'''Mz. Quymn': (disinterested'') Go with the nice Chinaman, Tara, doll. (She eats the cherry from her cocktail.)

Colonel Gentleman: Ahem! Where do we, uh, you know… (He dangles his car keys out as Jonas approaches him.)

Jonas: H.E.L.P.eR!

(H.E.L.P.eR arrives with the fishbowl of car keys. Gentleman drops his in, then turns to ogle a young man across the room.)

Colonel Gentleman: Oh, you pretty thing…

(Jonas surreptitiously takes his own keys from the bowl and hands them to Mz. Quymn.)

INT – Venture Compound – Rec Room – Cont.

(Young Rusty, dressed in a pith helmet and hunting uniform, steps out from behind a potted plant, wielding a toy knife. Kano crouches behind him, playing along.)

Rusty: Just a little further, and we’ll reach the lost city of gold, Saboo!

Tara: Save me! Oh, save me, Dr. Venture! (She sits in a bucket while Helper playfully brandishes a spear at her. Rusty and Kano walk up.)

Rusty: Dr. Quymn, I presume?

Jonas: (OS, from the next room) Kano! We’re out of ice!

(Kano bows to Rusty and exits. Tara grabs Rusty’s pith helmet and puts it on.)

Tara: This time, I get to save you from the savages!

FADE TO:

INT – Tara’s Hut – Day – Present

(Doc’s POV is a little shaky as he comes to. Dr. Quymn leans over him, wiping his forehead with a damp rag.)

Rusty: Uh, oh, oh. Dr. Quymn, I presume? (He is lying on a bed in a lively furnished straw-and-bamboo hut.)

Dr. Tara Quymn: Gently. I sucked the poison out, but you were completely dehydrated. What were you thinking, running around in the jungle in – what is this, polyester? (She holds up his jacket.)

Rusty: “Humidity is no excuse for wrinkles, Rusty!”

Quymn: Pity your father also didn’t teach you not to steal fertility idols from irritable headhunters.

(Doc looks over at the golden idol, lying on the pillow next to his head. It’s shaped like a big p****.)

Rusty: Oh, that, heh heh. I’ve been researching alternative cures for impotence. Oh, not for me, of course.

Quymn: Have you not tried Viagra?

Rusty: It gives me- my customers headaches, nausea, dyspepsia, and/or diarrhea. But enough shop talk! How have you been? What are you doing way out here in the middle of nowhere?

Quymn: Oh, you know, curing cancer. Well, I’m trying, anyway. There’ve been a number of… obstacles.

(The door creaks as Nancy and Drew enter.)

Nancy: Mother? Drew: Is your friend alright?

Quymn: Yes, my darlings. Come and meet Dr. Venture. These are my daughters, Nancy and Drew.

(Crossing to the bed, they curtsy as they are introduced.)

Nancy: Hello, Dr. Venture!

Drew: Pleased to meet you, sir!

Rusty: Ah, hello, ladies, hello. So, children. Where’s the father? Must be-

(Ginnie enters the hut.)

Ginnie: I’m back! Finally caught that son-of-a-bitch who’s been sniffing around the campsite. (She tosses a snake head onto the floor.) Big mofo, too.

Nancy / Drew: Eww!

Quymn: Rusty, this is Ginnie, my bodyguard and “right-hand man,” as it were.

Rusty: Oh, hello, I’m Dr. V-

(She accepts his handshake, crushing his hand as she does.)

Drew: She’s a yank!

Incomplete
NANCY Just like you!

GINNIE Not like him.

She finally releases Doc’s hand.

DOC Well, I really should be- OH MY GOD!

A giant centipede crawls out of the boot he was about to put on. Ginnie stomps it.

DOC I’ll just carry them.

He grabs his boots and gets up to leave.

QUYMN Oh, poo. Are you sure you can’t stay just a while longer, Rusty?

GINNIE / NANCY / DREW He said he had to go. / Yes, won’t you? Oh, please? / Do stay for a while, please!

DOC You remind me of my boys. They’re… really excited about everything, too.

EXT – Jungle – Later CLOSE on Hank, dressed in jungle gear. He makes a gun shape with his thumb and forefinger.

HANK Bang, Clyde! Aww.

ZOOM OUT to reveal a makeshift boxing ring. Brock tries to fit boxing gloves on a placid orangutan.

BROCK Enough with that, already, Hank! We’re supposed to teach him boxing, not tricks. You ready, Dean?

Dean stands in the other corner of the ring, in boxing gloves and shorts.

DEAN No… Brock, this is kind of the saddest thing ever.

HANK Bang, Clyde!

BROCK Stop it, Hank! Yeah, it is, Dean, but your pop says we need the money. ‘Kay?

He picks up a pot and spoon.

BROCK Now, fight!

He bangs the pot. Dean steps forward, dukes raised.

HANK Bang, Clyde!

The orangutan turns around and starts hitting Hank.

HANK Oww! Ow! Clyde, no!

Ginnie steps into the clearing.

GINNIE Freeze, poachers!

She cocks her gun. Brock rushes forward, waving his arms.

BROCK Woah, easy, lady!

Behind her, Doc jumps out of the Quymn Jeep.

DOC No, don’t! They’re with me!

GINNIE Your fancy new pal’s got a nice little sideline sellin’ apes on the black market, Tara!

QUYMN Oh, Rusty, really?

DOC Oh, no, this isn’t how it looks!

DEAN Yeah it is.

The Quymn twins step out of the back of the Jeep.

NANCY / DREW Mummy?

NANCY What’s going on?

DREW Who are they?

DOC (stuttering) We were in Thailand just last week, and we came across this tragic little fellow in a cage, in a terrible, terrible, underground betting parlor. And so, we had to rescue the little guy! And now. we’re trying to reintroduce him to the wild! Slowly!

While Dr. Venture stumbles through his alibi, Hank looks over at the Quymn twins and falls in love, going into a googly-eyed daze as cartoon hearts float around his head. Dean waves his hand in front of Hank’s face.

DEAN Hank? Hank? Do you feel cold? Is your skin tingling? Rigor? First symptoms of malaria, I think.

The Quymn twins look over at Dean, and fall in love with him. They giggle to each other.

DOC (cont’d) In fact, he looks ready to me. What do you think, Brock?

He winks over at Brock.

BROCK Huh? Uh, oh yeah, sure, Dr. Venture.

Clyde the ape interrupts Hank’s daydreaming by punching him in the face.

DOC See? Feral instincts taking over already. He’s cured!

Brock rushes over to stop the orangutan. DIAGONAL WIPE TO:

EXT – Jungle – Later The Quymn Jeep trundles along a cliff road. Doc and Brock ride on the roof by themselves.

DOC Well, we had a bit of a fling years ago. She’s one of those bleeding-heart, save-the-world types.

BROCK So no more teaching chimps to box, huh? By the way, thanks for that new personal low.

DOC I like to mix it up. Keep you on your toes. Speaking of which, new mission – Operation: Do Rusty A Solid! I need you to keep this “Jimmy” character distracted.

BROCK Who?

DOC The bodyguard! What’s-his-name.

BROCK Who, Ginnie?

DOC Yeah, him.

PAN DOWN to the interior of the car. All four kids are in the rumble seats in back.

DEAN So, you two are identical twins.

NANCY Somewhat identical, technically.

DREW Well, we just look lots alike. Our own mum can’t tell us apart! Sometimes.

They laugh.

DEAN My dad’s the same way with us.

HANK Say, what do you gals do for fun?

NANCY Oh, well, back home, we usually like to solve mysteries.

DEAN Hey, me too!

HANK Yeah, I’m more the adventuring type.

DREW Oh, we go on adventures as well! Like, mummies…

NANCY You know how it is. Mystery leads to museum, museum leads to mummy…

DREW And Bob’s your uncle, there we are, right in the thick of it!

They laugh again.

HANK I can bench-press.

CUT TO the top of the Jeep.

DOC I think he’s kinda got a thing for her. Well, frankly, he’s a bit of a wet blanket. The only wet blankets I’m interested in are the ones that-

BROCK All right, all right, I know where this is going.

DOC You know, when we’re sweatin’.

BROCK YES.

DOC Rollin’ around.

BROCK YES!

DOC When we’re havin’-

BROCK Okay, Doc, I get it!

DOC Alright! Just making sure we’re all on the same page here. Sex.

PAN DOWN.

GINNIE Son-of-a-friggin’-bitch!

She slams on the brakes, as a crowd of natives is standing in their path. Doc rolls off the top and over the hood. DIAGONAL WIPE TO:

EXT – Native Village – Later A native leads the group through a gate in a spiked, wooden wall surrounding their village.

GINNIE Stay close. The natives are real suspicious of outsiders ever since that Ikea opened up downriver.

QUYMN The logging company that supplies the lumber for their billy bookcases has been trying to force them off their ancestral lands.

They approach a man with an eagle tattooed in white across his back and a green feather headdress. Dr. Quymn greets him in his native tongue, bowing. The man responds.

QUYMN He says it struck again last night.

The man continues, waving his arms.

QUYMN The Wereodile.

HANK / DEAN Wereodile?!

NANCY Local folk legend.

DREW Half man, half crocodile, and covered in awful hair!

The native man continues raving about the Wereodile.

QUYMN He says it tore the head off their mightiest warrior. He says it was as if someone shook up a six-foot can of… blood soda… and suddenly popped the top.

PAN UP-RIGHT, where “RAAARRR” is written on blood on the roof of one of their huts.

NANCY By day, it’s an ordinary person.

DREW But when the moon is full, and the Wereodile’s spirit is displeased, it seeks vengeance upon the tribe.

The tattooed man suddenly points at Dr. Venture.

QUYMN He says it’s your fault. That you brought the wrath of the Wereodile when you stole their idol.

BROCK Nice.

DIAGONAL WIPE TO:

INT – Venture Boys’ Tent – Later That Night Hank is reclined on his sleeping bag.

HANK It’s a sweetheart deal all around! We don’t even have to flip a coin! Because they’re identical!

DEAN Semi-identical. Means they’re monozygotic, but developed differently.

HANK Listen to the ladykiller on this one: you have got to super-stop-it with that egghead crud.

DEAN Drew’s got a freckle on her nose. That’s how you can tell them apart.

HANK Friff help us! Play it cool, Deano! You step to them with that line, they’re gonna think you’re some crazy, obsessed, weirdo stalker who like, draws pictures of them in your notebook.

Dean blushes and holds his notepad to his chest.

DEAN They’re for the Venture Home News! Pictures increase circulation!

HANK And they’ll, like, think you talk to the pictures, and then you cut out the lips and eyes with a razor blade, and then you write dirty words on them with your own poop and then you rub ‘em on your chest.

DEAN What? Where did-

HANK (matter-of-factly) CSI.

DEAN Well I’m not interested in playing it anything. I like them, I just don’t like them, like them.

HANK Well I do.

DEAN Which one?

HANK I don’t know. Either one, whatever!

EXT – Venture Boys’ Tent Ginnie listens in. She stands up, angry.

INT – Quymn Twins’ Hut – Cont. Nancy and Drew are lying on their beds.

NANCY I like Dean. He’s got that pop low, Iggy Pop body, but with, like, a Weezer sort of style.

DREW You little scammer jammer! I told you I like Dean! Go for Hank.

NANCY Ew, no! I don’t like Hank at all! I find him boorish.

Ginnie bursts in.

GINNIE You two just keep clear of those boys! You can have all your prissy, little adventures or whatever with them, but if I catch y’all getting’ too adventurous, I’ma tan your hides! Capiche?

NANCY / DREW Yes, ma’am.

GINNIE Now come here, you buttons!

She hugs them, then turns to leave.

DREW Virginia, why do you hate men so much?

GINNIE Don’t hate men, princess. Just never met a real one.

She eyes Brock, setting up his tent, through the screen door.

EXT – Doc and Brock’s Tent – Cont. Brock pounds a tent stake in. Ginnie walks up.

GINNIE Well, ain’t you a pretty one?

BROCK Oh, hey. Brock Samson. We weren’t properly introduced.

They shake hands. Ginnie tires to crush Brock’s hand.

GINNIE Virginia Dunne. How’s it hangin’?

Brock senses that this is some sort of contest and squeezes harder. Ginnie pulls her hand away.

GINNIE Woah, hey, tough guy, huh? What do you drive?

BROCK ’69 Charger.

GINNIE Pff. Penis substitute.

Ginnie spots Dr. Venture talking with Dr. Quymn. She leans back against the hood of the Jeep.

GINNIE Course, all them horsies under the hood ain’t worth a damn in this rugged terrain without all-wheel drive… solid chassis… pliant suspension… torque.

She bends over the hood, sticking out her butt, tactlessly flirting.

BROCK Look, uh…

She slaps her ass.

GINNIE Hot in the jungle, huh?

BROCK Huh. Uh, yeah. Yes it is.

She pulls his bandana down, caressing his face.

GINNIE Moist heat. Grips you like a vice. Maybe, uh, go for a nice dip in the river? Skinny dip?

BROCK Uh, yeah, maybe I’ll do that.

Seeing Doc leave Tara’s hut, she suddenly grabs Brock’s bandana tight.

GINNIE Wa-ho, ease off the gas there, Mustang Sally. Where I live, we drive on the other side of the road.

She walks away.

BROCK What the hell?

Doc walks over, flashing the A-OK sign to Brock before dipping into their tent.

EST. – EXT – Campsite – Cont. Bewildered, Brock turns and walks away. FORM FADE TO:

EXT – Campsite – Night Lights are on in the tents and huts, and a campfire blazes in the center. Suddenly, a hairy, white Wereodile jumps into the tree branches in FG, hooting his horrible cry.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

EXT – Jungle – Morning It’s a bright, beautiful morning. Doc and Tara meditate on top of a tall rock that gives them a clear view of the treetops. Doc glances over at Tara. CROSSFADE TO:

EXT – Native Village – Day At Tara’s behest, Doc kneels before the eagle-tattooed chief and his consorts, presenting their stolen idol back. One of the tribesmen takes it away, while the chief points to Doc’s crotch and laughs. Tara turns him around and two native women decorate him with a headdress and floral wreath. CROSSFADE TO:

EXT – Waterfall – Day Dr. Quymn dives from the top cliff into the pool below. Doc Venture doggy-paddles along as Tara emerges from the water, throwing her hair back. CROSSFADE TO:

EXT – Jungle – Day All kinds of creepy critters await in the bushes as Doc and Tara walk by. Doc pulls a centipede out of his collar without so much as a second thought and tosses it aside. Tara takes his hand and nestles in close. CROSSFADE TO:

EXT – Jungle – Evening Tara mounts a tree branch to watch the setting sun with a graceful handstand. She bends down to pull Doc up the rest of the way by his rope harness. He is breathless and covered in leaves and leeches.

DOC Down… now…

QUYMN Oh, Rusty, you should really quit smoking.

DOC Don’t… smoke…

QUYMN Well then you really need to get more exercise.

DOC (cont’d) Brock… secondhand… Killing me…

QUYMN Well, you can’t tell me this view wasn’t worth the climb. But, I want to show you something even more special.

She begins climbing to the end of the branch. Doc watches her ass as she moves.

DOC God… yes…

Tara reaches the end of the branch, where a cluster of hairy, heart-shaped fruits is growing. She picks one and returns to Rusty.

QUYMN This is the entire reason I’m here. It’s called Solomon’s Heart. This valley is the only place on Earth it can grow, but they only blossom on mature trees, over 40 years old.

She begins cutting the fruit open with a knife. She pulls the halves apart, revealing the fruit’s colorful inside.

QUYMN You see how the seeds form a heart?

DOC I do.

QUYMN Now you know why it’s so desperately important we protect this rainforest.

DOC Because… hearts?

QUYMN Because these seeds contain the antigen that can cure cancer, and who knows what else!

DOC Loneliness?

QUYMN With further research, I could- Did you say-?

Doc leans in and kisses her. After a moment, she pushes him away. One of Doc’s leeches is now on her face.

DOC Oh, let me- I’m sorry.

Tara pulls the leech off and throws it aside.

QUYMN We should go. It’s getting dark, and I don’t want to-

DOC But I want to!

QUYMN I don’t want to get hurt, and-

DOC You won’t! That felt good, didn’t it?

QUYMN It’s not a good time. We have to get back to camp before moonrise. I’m sorry.

She jumps down.

DOC Wait a minute, how do I- AAAH!

He slides off the branch, stopping ten feet above the ground due to the harness attached to the branch above him. He dangles in circles as Tara rushes to help him down. PAN RIGHT - Ginnie, watching from the bushes, stalks off. PAN RIGHT - Brock pops out of another bush as she leaves. PAN RIGHT - Dean hides behind another bush, writing in his notepad. PAN RIGHT - Hank is peeing on a tree. The Wereodile lets loose his haunting howl. Frightened, Hank zips up and starts running. He bumps into Dean, also running, and they both scream. They point at each other, shaking with fear.

DEAN Oh my god!

HANK Wereodile!

DEAN You’re the Wereodile!

HANK I’m not the Wereodile; you’re the Wereodile!

DEAN Hank, how could you? You’re my brother?

HANK Oh my god, but we’re twins! That means I’m a Wereodile, too! Oh no!

DEAN That- That doesn’t really follow. I mean, we have different hair.

HANK And I have a huskier build, let’s admit it. Plus, I barely have hair under there.

He holds up his arm and points to his armpit. Dean does the same, pulling down his shirt sleeve.

DEAN Me too. Not for lack of trying.

The Wereodile howls again.

DEAN Super run-away!

They super run away.

EXT – Campsite – Night Hank and Dean enter the campsite and look around.

BROCK (OS) I got him!

Brock enters in FG, knife in hand and Doc slung over his shoulder. He sheathes the knife.

BROCK It was a close call, but I got him. God, freakin’ harness buckle’s digging into my back.

He drops Doc on the ground as Hank and Dean walk over.

DEAN Is he dead? He looks dead.

BROCK He was upside-down for a while. Blood probably rushed to his… Ugh.

Dr. Quymn joins them. ZOOM OUT to reveal Rusty and his raging erection lying in FG.

HANK Who did that to Pop? Was it the Wereodile?

DEAN Did you see him, Brock?

BROCK No, I saw them. Two of them.

QUYMN Two of them?

Nancy and Drew step out of their hut.

NANCY Mummy?

DREW What’s going on?

HANK / QUYMN Girls! Thank god!

Hank rushes over to them and puts his arms around their shoulders.

HANK Are you okay?

They brush his arms off.

NANCY We’re fine.

DREW What’s going on?

Hank hugs them closer and begins rubbing their arms.

HANK You’re in shock. We gotta get you warm.

GINNIE (OS) Alright, no more screwin’ around!

WHIP PAN to the bushes as Ginnie steps out of them.

GINNIE This camp is officially on full Wereodile alert. Everyone, in their bunks! Now! Come on, chop chop!

She begins clapping authoritatively as people rush off to their dwellings. Doc, coming to, turns to follow Tara into her hut.

GINNIE (to Doc) Hey! Your own bunk, stick.

She grabs him and spins him in the proper direction.

GINNIE (to Brock) Superguts, you take first watch.

Brock scratches his head.

INT – Tara and Ginnie’s Hut – Cont. Tara is seated on her bed. Ginnie steps in.

GINNIE I want them outta here. They’re bringin’ bad juju to this place.

QUYMN Really, Ginnie. You know as well as I that this ridiculous Wereodile is probably just some logging company stooge trying to put the scare into us. Ask Rusty, he was a boy adventurer.

While Tara preens herself in a mirror, Ginnie digs a rifle out of a large chest on the floor.

GINNIE I’m not asking him squat. I don’t like him.

She crosses her arms.

QUYMN Well, that’s unfortunate, because I’ve planned to ask Dr. Venture to be my… lab assistant.

GINNIE Aw, no, not that!

QUYMN Oh, Ginnie. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were jealous.

She gets up and pats Ginnie’s arm reassuringly.

QUYMN Don’t you worry; I could never replace you! But… I have needs you simply aren’t capable of fulfilling, Ginnie.

GINNIE If you’d just give it a chance, Tara-Bear, I can be gent-

QUYMN Dr. Venture is a trained scientist. He can help me in ways you never could!

GINNIE Yeah, like out of your shorts!

QUYMN (spinning to confront Ginnie) Virginia! You forget your place!

GINNIE My place? My place is watchin’ out for your asses!

QUYMN (crossing her arms) Kindly remove your things from this hut and find lodging elsewhere.

GINNIE (as she gets in Tara’s face) No, you kindly remember this, Little Miss Fancy-Britches: just ‘cause mommy and daddy didn’t love you enough doesn’t mean I’m gonna clean up after you every time you let a man make a mess of your life!

INT – Venture Boys’ Tent – Cont. Dean lies on his sleeping bag, looking out through the mouth of the tent as he takes notes.

QUYMN (OS, from in the hut) Get out! Get out, you monster!

Dean recoils, hiding behind the tent flap. Ginnie barges out the front door.

GINNIE I know what you really are, Tara!

EXT – Jungle – Cont. Brock enjoys a cigarette behind a tree. Ginnie storms past, then turns to point at Brock.

GINNIE Quit starin’ at my ass, Samson! No means no! Now get to your post!

Brock returns to smoking as she leaves.

INT – Tara’s Hut – Cont. Dr. Quymn sits at her mirror, rocking back and forth as she cries quietly and clutches the crystal pendant around her neck. Dean pokes his head in the window.

QUYMN (to herself) Stay calm. STAY CALM.

EXT – Tara’s Hut – Cont. ZOOM OUT from the window where Dean is spying.

QUYMN (cont’d) Don’t let the demon out.

Dean ducks down and rubs his chin.

DEAN Curiouser and curiouser…

He taps him pencil against his mouth as he reviews his notes.

DEAN Dr. Quymn has a “demon” she’s afraid to let out, yet she calls Ginnie a “monster”. And both of them were in the woods when Brock saw the Wereodiles. But, where were Nancy and Drew that whole time?

He creeps to the front edge of the hut.

DEAN In their hut? Perhaps. Then again, perhaps not!

He runs off.

EXT – Venture Boys’ Tent – Cont.

DEAN One thing is certain, however: someone, or someones, in this camp, is the Wereodile!

INT – Venture Boys’ Tent – Cont. Dean pops in.

DEAN And we’re gonna get to the bottom of- Hank, are you listening to me?

Hank is plucking away at his bass guitar.

HANK Actually, uh, can you keep it down? I’m trying to write a song for the girls.

DEAN Will you get with the program? We’ve got a mystery to solve!

HANK Then we should team up… with the girls!

DEAN We can’t! They’re  they’re suspects!

HANK Then, solve it tomorrow or something. Man, what’s your hurry?

Dean slaps Hank’s bass strings to get him to stop.

DEAN (angry) What’s your slowy? You’ve gone soft on me, Henry Allan so-called-Venture!

He stands up, crouching slightly under the top of the tent.

DEAN You used to be all “Go Team Venture!” but now, now you’re all “Go Team… B-BOOBIES!”

EXT – Venture Boys’ Tent – Cont. Dean leaves the tent.

DEAN Gosh!

INT – Tara’s Hut – Moments Later Tara plays with her pendant as she stares into the mirror. WAVY FLASHBACK TO:

INT – Venture Compound – Rec Room – the 1960s The two children have constructed a hut from a cardboard box and a blanket.

RUSTY The natives are getting restless! We’re not long for this world.

INT – Fort – Cont. Rusty and Tara are huddled close together.

TARA Then before they kill us and shrink our heads and cut us up and eat us, kiss me, Dr. Venture.

She puckers up and they lean closer.

JONAS (OS, from the hall) Oh yeah! Mm-hmm!

INT – Rec Room – Cont. Jonas and Mz. Quymn enter the room, deep in the throes of a make-out session. The two of them topple over on top of the kids’ fort.

JONAS Oh, yes! I’m having the time of my life!

Rusty, sticking out of the mouth of the fort, begins crying. Jonas looks down at him in horror as two naked people drift down in the pool window BG. WAVY RETURN TO:

INT – Tara’s Hut – Night Tara, still in front of the mirror, composes herself with new resolve.

INT – Doc and Brock’s Tent – Moments Later Doc lies asleep, hugging his pillow. Tara enters the mouth of the tent, casting a shadow on Dr. Venture.

QUYMN Rusty?

Doc wakes up and puts on his glasses.

QUYMN Would you like to… come and play in my jungle fort?

EXT – Campsite – Cont. Tara leads Rusty into her hut in BG as Dean storms by in FG. PAN with him, but HOLD on Nancy and Drew’s hut as he passes it.

EXT – Nancy and Drew’s Hut – Cont. Nancy and Drew step into the doorway in their pajamas.

NANCY Ready, Drew?

DREW Ready Freddy, Nancy Fancy.

They giggle.

EXT – Jungle – Lookout Stand – Moments Later ZOOM IN: Brock scans the area with a pair of night-vision binoculars. He hears rustling behind him and looks around.

BROCK (not really looking) Hey, Hank. You’re supposed to stay in-

Dean appears at the top of the ladder.

DEAN Hey, Brock.

BROCK Oh, hey… it’s… Dean.

Brock stands up as Dean crosses to the railing and leans on it, looking out.

DEAN Well, looks like it’s up to me and you to solve the mystery of the Wereodile. Everyone else has dumb girls on the brain.

Ginnie climbs the ladder with a six-pack in hand.

GINNIE Alright, you big Nebraskan oak. Don’t make me regret this.

DEAN (betrayed) You too, Brock? You too?

He shoves past Ginnie as he leaves the lookout stand. He stops at the top of the ladder.

DEAN The both of you’se got jungle fever!

He climbs down a little bit, then climbs back up.

DEAN The both of you’se.

Ginnie rips out her bra and hands it to Brock.

GINNIE Screw this. Mood’s totally blown.

INT – Venture Boys’ Tent – Moments Later Hank is still practicing his bass. A pink note falls in through the tent flaps.

HANK Huh? Well, then-

He sets down the bass and picks up the note. He reads it quietly to himself. It says: “Meet me in the clearing in ten minutes.” It’s signed with a kiss. Hank chuckles knowingly as he checks his watch.

DEAN (OS) Hank?

Hank looks over and sees Dean holding a machete in the tent mouth.

DEAN Hank, find some dynamite and a big cargo net and meet me behind the camp in ten minutes! Ten!

HANK Yeah, but-

Dean points the machete at him.

DEAN No buts! Do it.

Dean backs out of the tent with his finger over his lips.

DEAN (cont’d) A mystery is afoot.

EXT – Jungle – Clearing – Cont. Dean backs out through the bushes and into the clearing. Nancy taps him on the back and he shouts, dropping the machete.

NANCY Shh! It’s me! Why are you walking through the jungle backwards?

DEAN I- I don’t know! Look, I’d love to chat, but I really can’t, because I- G’oh!

Backing away, he bumps into Drew.

DREW Shh! It’s me! We solved the mystery of the Wereodile!

DEAN You have? Well who was the-

NANCY Not here.

DREW Come back to our hut. We’ll show you everything.

They huddle close to him and lead him away.

DEAN But, Hank-

EXT – Venture Boys’ Tent – Moments Later Hank rustles around in the tent, whistling, his backside sticking out. He stands up, carrying a picnic basket and his bass guitar. He walks off.

ZOOM OUT: EXT – Campfire Ginnie sits by the fire, sharpening her machete.

GINNIE Storm’s comin’. I can smell it. Hard rain’s gonna fall. Hard rain.

INT – Tara’s Hut – Moments Earlier Tara and Rusty enter, making out. Tara pushes Rusty onto the bed. She whips off her jacket and hastily undoes her belt.

DOC I think I found my cure for impotence after all. Now if I could just find a way to bottle that ass, I’d be a multi-millionaire!

Tara pushes him down on the bed.

INT – Nancy and Drew’s Hut – Moments Later Dean sits on one of the beds. Nancy and Drew pass around a canteen, taking sips out of it.

NANCY Here, have some of this.

She hands the canteen to Dean.

DEAN What’s-

DREW It’s a native potion to ward off the Wereodile.

Dean takes a sip and spits it across the room. The girls giggle.

DEAN Where’s Hank? You said he’d be here.

NANCY Don’t worry; he won’t bother us.

DREW Just relax, and we’ll show you-

NANCY / DREW -everything.

Nancy lifts Dean’s feet and puts them on the bed. She straddles him while Drew holds his head.

INT – Tara’s Hut – Simul. Tara lies on top of Dr. Venture, kissing his neck. Dr. Venture makes strangely nervous sex noises.

TARA Oh, Rusty, you have no idea how long it’s been.

DOC Nineteen years, two months, and four days.

INT – Nancy and Drew’s Hut – Simul. Dean now has his shirt off. Drew holds Dean’s squirming arms down. Nancy crawls towards him, making kissing noises. Drew licks his ear. Nancy works her hand down from his chest to his crotch.

DEAN Woah, woah, woah, wait! What are you- Please, we have to stop the- Ahh, ohh, help!

Nancy takes her dress off, then undoes her bra. Two wadded-up tissues fall onto Dean’s chest.

DEAN This isn’t happening! Help!

NANCY Just relax!

DREW Just enjoy this!

DEAN Oh my god, you’re the Wereodiles! Heeeeeelp!

WHIP PAN TO the door, where Ginnie stands.

GINNIE Get your filthy mitts offa her!

The girls gasp, spinning around.

DEAN What was that?

INT – Tara’s Hut – Simul. Ginnie stands in the door of the hut. Doc and Tara are frozen, mid-coitus.

TARA Ginnie! What are you d-

GINNIE I’m not gonna let you break her heart again; I’m not gonna let you put your seed in her and walk out that door again!

She grabs Doc’s wrist and squeezes.

DOC Brock!

Ginnie slams him against the wall.

EXT – Lookout Stand – Simul. Brock is by himself, staring into space.

DOC (OS) Ow! Brock, hello? Bodyguard! Bodyguard, anyone?

Brock sighs and heads off.

INT – Tara’s Hut – Cont Ginnie tosses Dr. Venture over the bed, then advances on him with her machete.

GINNIE (slurring) She’s not the same liquored-up little teenage rich girl you just use…

DOC What do you mean, teenage? I haven’t seen her since I was ten!

GINNIE She doesn’t need your bilge or your booze or your shock therapy anymore!

She lifts up Doc’s chin with the end of her machete.

GINNIE I fixed her, not you! I did! Me, me, me, me, MEEEEEEE!

Doc crawls away from her as she shakes her fists in rage. Brock fly-tackles her from the doorway, crashing into the nightstand. A lantern falls over, starting a fire.

GINNIE Oh, I see how it is! Alright, then, bring it on, BRING IT ON!

She kicks Brock off.

BROCK Damn, you’re strong!

He jumps back at her. They wrestle on top of the bed.

GINNIE Try it again, asshole!

BROCK Man, you’re strong for a crazy, old bitch! Keep kickin’, I’m getting’ a good fight outta you!

QUYMN You’re acting-

Dr. Quymn suddenly convulses, dropping to the floor. Dean steps in just in time to see her begin her seizure.

DEAN Dr. Quymn is the Wereodile!

DOC She’s- Oh my god, I almost fucked a Wereodile!

DEAN I have to stop her transformation before she kills us all!

He grabs a chair and starts hitting her with it.

DEAN The power of Christ compels you!

Ginnie notices what’s going on and throws Brock off her back. She jumps down and shoves Dean over.

GINNIE Stop it, you little asshole! She’s not a Wereodile; she’s an epileptic!

Ginnie grabs Dr. Quymn and stands up.

DOC Ew!

EXT – Tara’s Hut – Cont. Everyone runs outside as the hut is engulfed in flames.

GINNIE Okay, okay, it’s o-kay, Tara-Bear. You’re with Ginnie now. You’ve come a long way to be here.

QUYMN Where’s the amulet?

GINNIE Oh, jeez. Okay, just this once.

Ginnie pulls apart the crystal around Tara’s neck to reveal a single cigarette. She holds it up.

GINNIE Anybody got a light for her?

EXT – Jungle – Moments Later Hank sits on a tree root. POV – something approaches him, wobbling side-to-side. Hank stands up as it nears, stroking his hair.

HANK Ah, ladies! Fashionably late, I see.

The Wereodile growls. Hank turns and runs, screaming, as the POV creature starts chasing him. As he flees, he gets snagged in another of the rope traps. The Wereodile closes in on him as fire spreads all around them. Suddenly, a hairy blur takes out the Wereodile. Hank’s POV – an ape in boxing gloves savagely beats the Wereodile behind a row of shrubs. Clive the orangutan stands victorious over the beaten Wereodile, pounding his chest and roaring. PAN UP past a dangling Hank and the rising flames. CROSSFADE TO:

EST. – EXT – Jungle – Burnt Clearing – Day The forest is mostly burnt down, and plumes of smoke still rise. The X1 is parked next to the Quymn family ship, a pink and more vagina-shaped version of the phallic Venture plane.

EXT – Burnt Clearing – Ground Level – Cont. The two families load their luggage from a pile between the planes, preparing to go home.

GINNIE Hey!

She stops Brock from grabbing a box with the Quymn logo on it by putting her arm out. She takes it and heads back towards the plane. PAN LEFT to where Dean and the Quymn twins are talking.

DREW We never even believed there was an actual Wereodile! I mean, it’s preposterous!

NANCY And we certainly didn’t mean for Hank to get hurt. Tell your brother he’s a real hero for what he did!

DEAN The natives already did! They even made him an honorary warrior and gave him a circumcision!

NANCY Ohh… Does that mean you aren’t…

NANCY / DREW Eww.

Dr. Quymn appears behind her daughters, putting her hands on their shoulders.

QUYMN Don’t talk to him, girls. Ginnie, darling! Come on, we’re going!

The three of them walk away.

INT – X1 – Cockpit – Cont Hank sits slumped in a seat, wearing a loincloth made of leaves and covered in war paint. Brock enters.

BROCK: Hey. How you holding up there, Broken Arrow? Can I get you anything?

DOC (OS, traumatized) I could use a cocoa!

ZOOM OUT - Doc is curled up in the passenger seat. Brock walks over to the driver’s seat.

DOC: Do we have any cocoa? Or something stronger?

EXT – Burnt Clearing – Cont.

The two ships perform a vertical liftoff.

DOC: (cont’d) I don’t want to feel anything anymore! Oh, god! Love hurts!

(The two ships reach cruising altitude, then promptly turn in opposite directions and fly away.)

Credits

EXT – Native Village – Day

(The Wereodile strolls into the center of town.)

INT – Native Hut – Cont.

(The Wereodile takes off his mask, revealing that he’s actually a native in a costume. The decoration inside the hut is very modern, consisting of a TV, two couches, and a coffee table. Another native in an unmasked Wereodile suit sits reading on the couch.)

Native 1: (in his own language) 

Native 2: 

Native 1: 

END