A Real Boy

(Scene opens up showing Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)

Radio DJ: Good morning, Danville! It's a beautiful day, so let's get out there and be happy!

(Alarm goes off)

(Song: "Gumshine and Bubble Sun")

Male Singer: Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

Sunshine and bubblegum, happiness, here comes the sun

Sunshine, happiness and gum

Gumshine and bubblesun, happiness, we're having fun

Happiness, sunshine and gum

Go ahead and move with feeling, you can even dance (You can dance)

If you can feel it, go ahead and scream

If you're worried about the sound, you can always scream into a pillow

Norm: Good morning, sir!

Doofenshmirtz: Ugh.

Norm: (Takes the egg carton and spills the eggs onto a pan) One egg or two?

Doofenshmirtz: None! I don't like them the way you cook 'em. You always leave in the shells! Who does that?

Norm: (Tosses the eggs) I like mine crunchy. (The eggs land on the pan, showing its components scattered on the stove. Doofenshmirtz's laptop beeps)

Doofenshmirtz: Just keep quiet over there. I got a call from Rodney. (Doofenshmirtz answers) What do you want, Rodney?

Rodney: I thought I'd share with you the progress on my new Super Zap-Inizer. (Turns the webcam) My son, Orville, helped me. He's a true evil genius. (Turns the webcam back to himself) I'm so glad I have a son who can assist me in my work and help me become a better evil scientist, instead of a daughter who can, (Sniffs) I don't know, go shopping, I guess? Is that what it's like, Heinz?

Doofenshmirtz: Oh that's ridiculous, Rodney. (Stammers) What you'd have me believe is that daughters (Vanessa walks in) are useless, and if only I had a son instead of a daughter, I'd be much more successful, and my life would be so much better. (Notices Vanessa, who walks off) Wait—No, Vanessa-- (Gets up) No, wait—Wait! How long have you been standing there—Vanessa? (Vanessa walks into a room) Vanessa, honey! Oh I can't believe that she would think that I-- (Walks back to the desk) I mean, it sure would be nice to have a son in addition. (Sits down) You know, someone to have a nice game of catch with, but--

Norm: Sir, you can have a game of catch with me! I've always thought of you as my fa--

Doofenshmirtz: Norm, you're in my light!

(Norm's mouth turns around, looking sad)

Norm: --Ther.

(In the Flynn-Fletcher backyard)

Isabella: Hey Phineas! Whatcha doin'?

(Buford and Baljeet walk in)

Phineas: (Runs on-screen, wiping his hands) Well, you know one of those little spring suction cup (Puts the cloth in his pocket) things that you push down and you never know when it's gonna pop up in the air?

Isabella: Yeah, what are those things called, anyway?

Phineas: I don't know. But Ferb and I built a big one!

(Camera pans to Ferb, with the complete invention. A fanfare plays)

Buford: Hey look! It's one of those things!

Baljeet: Yes! A big one!

(Instrumental of Phineas and Ferb Theme plays)

Phineas: Everybody in!

(The gang boards the invention. Camera pans to Candace, watching. The spring suction cup pushes down itself)

Isabella: So when's it gonna pop?

Phineas: That's the fun part. You'll never know when it's gonna take off! Hey, where's--

(The spring suction cup takes off)

(In Perry's lair...)

Major Monogram: I don't know what happened, Carl, but our cafeteria officially stinks.

Carl: Sir, I don't think you're being fair.

Major Monogram: Oh Mexican food station is gone, Carl... VANISH!

Carl: They still have the chili...

Major Monogram: Oh, right! Because chili is a perfect substitute for a nice touchy-taco. It's practically the same thing! (at Perry) Agent P, you're... here! Uhmm... Our inter-web monitor tells us that Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been video conference thing with the other members of the evil organization; L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. It's obviously they're planning something big, but right now we have our hands full with this all cafeteria day debacle... so! Get out there and put a stop to it! Good luck, Agent P (Agent P salutes) .... Carl! We're going off the lot for lunch.

Carl: Is that allowed sir?

Major Monogram: Noo... (sigh)

(Scene shifts to the Flynn-Fletcher house)

Isabella: That was great Phineas!

Baljeet: Yes! Let us do that again!

Phineas: Ferb, let's reset it.

(In Candace's room...)

Candace: There they go again... their machine mocking me... (imitating Phineas) "Oh, hi, I'm Phineas! Ferb and I are gonna do something totally bust-worthy!" (in her own voice) "Yeah, like what? A submarine that'll go into my esophagus?"

Stacy: Candace, what are you doing?

Candace: Nothing. Did you bring the hypnotism stuff?

Stacy: If you mean the pocket watch, then yes. Why do you want to do this, Candace?

Candace: I have to meet Jeremy in the park today, but I can't go unless I get this busting out of my head!

Stacy: But hypnotism? It's just so 1843 of you.

Candace: 1843?

Stacy: You know, 1843 when James Braid published the "Rationale of Somnambulism" in which he invented the term "hypnotism", named after the Greek god, Hypnos.

Candace: (In a stunned tone) How do you even know that?

Stacy: It's written on your poster. Apparently he also invented the comb-over. Freaky.

Candace: (Still stunned) Why would I have bought that poster?

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

Doofenshmirtz: (to Perry) Oh this is terrible, look at her, look what I've done. (Gestures at Vanessa sitting on a chair at the balcony) She's been giving me the cold shoulder ever since she overheard something out of context. This is like one of those sitcoms where somebody says something that's misconstrued and the snoopy next door neighbor gets the wrong package delivered after his in-laws come to visit, somebody has two dates on the same night and they have to paint a white line down the middle of the room, but this isn't a sitcom, Perry the Platypus. This is real life. (pauses, as he and Perry glanced at the fourth wall) And... I'm... And I'm the father, and I have to treat her with the respect that she deserves in a caring fatherly fashion. (pause) I'll blast her with one of my inators! Wait here (goes to drag the inator) You like it, Perry the Platypus? I built it for the 170th anniversary of the Alamo, but I forgot to use it! It makes people forget about what they're thinking right at that moment, call it the Forget-About-It-inator! Heheh, I love that name. (starts trying out different tones) Forget about it. Forget about it. Forget about it! Haha, forget about it! (to Perry's face) Forget about it! (turns to Norm) How 'bout a handshake, (swings his hand) forget about it!

Norm: (as he leaves) If only I were a real boy.

(Back in Candace's room. Stacy is shaking the pocket watch and Candace is cross-eyed)

Stacy: (in a slow voice) You are nooooow entering a deeeeep sleeeeep...

Candace: (monotone) Deeeep sleeeep...

Stacy: What? Sweet! It's working. Candace, when you hear the trigger word, um, (cut to poster that says "Holy Guacamole") "holy guacamole", you will no longer have the desire to bust Phineas and Ferb.

Candace: No more busting my brothers...

Stacy: And when you hear (cut to poster that says "Leapin' Lizards") "leaping lizards", it'll make you return to normal.

Candace: Return to normal...

Stacy: Now, when I snap my fingers, you will awaken with no recollection of being hypnotized. Do you understand, Candace?

Candace: No...

Stacy: No? What's not to understand?

Candace: A brief recap might be helpful...

Stacy: Candace, "holy guacamole" - no busting, "leaping lizards" - back to normal. (Snaps fingers and Candace comes out of hypnotic trance.)

Candace: I don't know, Stacy. I don't think it worked. I still want Phineas and Ferb to go down, down, do-

Stacy: (Interrupting Candace) Holy guacamole.

Candace: What was I talking about?

Stacy: I think you're ready for you're date with Jeremy.

Candace: Ooh! Who's Jeremy?

Stacy: Uh-oh. I think something went wrong.

Candace: I'm just kidding.

Stacy and Candace: Ahh!

(Song: "Real Boy")

Women Singers: He wants to be a real boy (He wants to be a real boy)

He wants to be a real boy (Real boy, yeah)

Norm: I'm a lonely orphan robot

Just a scrap metal tower

A misfired piston

Run on squirrel power

Women Singers: His galvanized insides

Can feel no joy

He wants to be a real boy

Norm: I wanna be a real boy!

Rappers: Yeah!

Norm: Not a titanium toy

Don't give my battery flattery

What I want is more gray matter-y

Rappers: A brain, some veins, and some arteries!

Norm: I got a squirrel on a treadmill where my heart should be

If I was real,

Rappers: You could feel!

I could really emote

Instead of shorting out whenever he sits on the remote

I want a dad

Rappers: A father!

Norm: Someone I can call pop

Someone to take me out for malteds at the soda shop

Someone to take me on a fishing trip or teach me how to ride a bike

Who'll pat me on the head and ask me "how you doin', tyke?"

Women Singers and Rappers: How you doin', tyke?

Norm: Oh, I'm fine, all things considered

Wanna be a real boy but I don't wanna sound embittered

But thanks for asking, seriously!

(Cut to Candace and Jeremy at the park)

Jeremy: You know what I'd like to do, Candace? I'd like to rent one of those little boats.

Candace: Sure. Good idea.

Jeremy: Great. Let's go before you--

Candace: Before I rush off to bust Phineas and Ferb?

Jeremy: Well...

Candace: Jeremy, I no longer have the desire to bust my brothers. We can take our time. (A lizard hops by. Candace notices it.) Whoa, look at that.

Jeremy: (Laughs) What do you know? Some sort of reptile hopping around. Hi little hopping reptile. Hi little jumping chameleon. Hi little springing salamander.

(Balthazar walks by and notices the lizard.)

Balthazar: Leaping lizards!

(Candace suddenly gets up and leaves.)

Jeremy: Oh yeah. Yeah, funny I didn't think of that one. (Notices that Candace is running away.) Candace? Candace?

Candace: (Running) Sorry, Jeremy! I've got to bust my brothers!

Jeremy: Ah, that's my girl. Looks like it's just you and me, little galavanting gecko.

(Cut to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated)

Doofenshmirtz: Okay, Vanessa. I just need to take a picture of you because ... I love you and I don't need a son.

Vanessa: (Removing headphones) Did you say something, dad?

Doofenshmirtz: What? You're wearing headphones? So you haven't heard a thing I've said all day?

Vanessa: Why do you think I wear the headphones?

Doofenshmirtz: So you're not mad at me for saying I'd rather have a son than a daughter like you.

Vanessa: What?

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, nothing, nothing. Just put these back on. (Puts headphones back in her ears.) There you go.

Vanessa: Whatever.

Doofenshmirtz: (Walking back to Perry and his Inator) What about that? She didn't hear me. I'm still a great dad. And the sitcom cliche has been resolved. I guess I didn't need this inator after all. Say, here's a thought. How about if I blast you instead?

(Norm walks up.)

Norm: Sir, I just want you to know that I've always thought of you as my father.

Doofenshmirtz: Look, Norm. This is going to have to wait. I have to blast Perry the Platypus and I'll be right with you.

(As Doofenshmirtz was talking to Norm, Perry turned the inator around so it was pointing at Doofenshmirtz. Doofenshmirtz looks into the inator and turns it on.)

Doofenshmirtz: (To Norm.) Now, who are you?

Norm: I am ... your ... son! (Pause) Yeah!

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, really? (Turns to Perry) And what's that?

Norm: Don't worry, Dad, I'll get rid of it.

(Perry parachutes off the balcony.)

Doofenshmirtz: Funny, I don't seem to remember much.

Norm: You like playing ball with me, your son.

Doofenshmirtz: Really? I like that?

Norm: Yes.

Doofenshmirtz: What else do I like?

Norm: Crunchy eggs for breakfast.

Doofenshmirtz: I do? Man, what kind of weirdo am I?

(In the backyard, Phineas, Ferb, and their friends are still in their invention.)

Candace: (Running in through gate.) Phineas and Ferb!

Phineas: Hey, Candace!

Candace: I'm telling mom right now. (Running into the house.) Mom! Mom! (Crashing noises from inside.) Mom, you have to come out to the backyard.

Linda: Okay, give me a second.

(Candace runs back out to backyard, laughing.)

Phineas: Candace, do you want to go for a ride?

Candace: No, I'm good.

Linda: Alright, Candace. What was it that you wanted to show me-- (Notices invention.) Crimeny! What is that?

Phineas: Hi, Mom!

Candace: You see it! You see it! (The invention takes off) Phineas and Ferb are busted for sure.

Linda: Where's it going?

Candace: Oh, it'll come back down in just a little bit. Just in time for me to get my bust on.

(Back to Doofenschmirtz and Norm)

Doofenshmirtz: So what's this thing do? Ooh look, buttons! (Pushes buttons) Pushy, pushy! (Green ray comes out of inator)

Candace: --it comes down, that's great. We can bust Phineas and Ferb and be done in time for dinner.

(Memory erasing ray from Doofenshmirtz's inator hits Linda.) Linda: So what did you want to show me, Candace?

(Invention lands.)

Candace: Uum, that.

Linda: Good heavens! What is that?

Candace: Like I said, Phineas and Ferb built it and its-- (Invention takes off again)

Linda: Where's it going?

Candace: It'll be back. And then it's busting time for sure, right Mom?

(Another ray from the inator hits Linda.)

Linda: Alright, Candace. So what was it you wanted to show me?

Doofenshmirtz: This is fun. Pushy, pushy, push the buttons. I'm pushing the buttons.

Norm: Sir. Sir.

(Another ray hits Linda.)

Linda: Alright, Candace. So what was it you wanted to show me? (Invention lands.) Holy guacamole! What is that?

Candace: Wait! Why did I leave Jeremy in the park? (Runs off.)

(Another ray hits Linda.)

Linda: (Noticing Perry.) Oh, there you are, Perry. (Perry chatters.)

Norm: Sir! It's overheating and it could-- (Inator explodes.)—explode.

Doofenshmirtz: Hey! Wait a minute. You're not my son. You're that walking junk pile, Norm.

Norm: But dad!

Doofenshmirtz: And I am not you're father. I'm fairly sure about that.

Norm: Bu-bu-bu-bu-but!

Vanessa: Here, Norm. (Gives him headphones.) Wear these. It helps.

Norm: Thanks, sis!

Vanessa: (Sarcastic) No problem, bro.

(Cut to Norm in closet listening to music. Doofenshmirtz opens the door and sticks his head in.)

Doofenshmirtz: Hey, buddy. Are you—are you busy?

Norm: No. Not really.

Doofenshmirtz: You know, Norm, it occurs to me that though I've never had a son, there is someone I can always count on to be there. Someone I've begun to think of as family.

Norm: Yes?

Doofenshmirtz: And that someone is Perry the Platypus. See you around, junkpile.

(Doofenshmirtz slams the closet door leaving Norm in the dark. Still wearing the headphones Vanessa gave him, Norm's frown flips around to a smile.)

Norm: Apology accepted, Dad.

End Credits
(Song: "Real Boy")

If I was real,

Rappers: You could feel!

I could really emote

Instead of shorting out whenever he sits on the remote

I want a dad

Rappers: A father!

Norm: Someone I can call pop

Someone to take me out for malteds at the soda shop

Someone to take me on a fishing trip or teach me how to ride a bike

Who'll pat me on the head and ask me "how you doin', tyke?"

Women Singers and Rappers: How you doin', tyke?

Norm: Oh, I'm fine, all things considered

Wanna be a real boy but I don't wanna sound embittered

But thanks for asking, seriously!