The Princess and the Pear

"The Princess and the Pear" Episode 4x15 / Production 4x09 Written By: Matthew Donlan and Jeremy Martin Directed by: Steven DePaul Transcribed by: Kaylla_334

Disclaimer: The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by Hart Hanson, all rights reserved. This transcript is not authorized or endorsed by Hart Hanson or Fox.

TEASER

(Body dump site - three kids dressed up in fantasy attire are walking through a tunnel)

MAGE: Lo, the cave where the princess doth dwell. Let the light of Mithryleen guide our path.

WARRIOR: Smells like ass in here, yo.

MAGE: Yo? Who is this Yo of whom you speak? I know him not.

WARRIOR: For real, Trev. Let's go back. Those other freaks are gonna beat us to the treasure, anyway.

MAGE: The name's Blackthorne, and you'd do well to remember it.

WARRIOR: Your name is Trevor Vertuca, and that is your mom's cell phone. Now call her to pick us up, or I will. This is getting old, right, Ezra?

(Ezra screams and runs out)

MAGE: A rat? Come on.

WARRIOR: Wait for me! Wait for me! (He runs too)

MAGE: Look, I'm sorry about this. We don't usually break character, but... I mean, you have to dock points; I understand. (He shine the cell phone light to see what is moving and sees that it's a body) What the... (He screams and runs out too)

(Cut to- Booth's apartment)

BRENNAN: (outside the front door) Open up! Open up!

BOOTH: All right, all right, all right, I'm coming, it's... Just keep it down.

BRENNAN: (Outside the front door) what's taking so long? (Booth opens the door)

BOOTH: Hey!

BRENNAN: What's wrong?

BOOTH: Nothing; come on in. How about some coffee? Arabian Bean!

BRENNAN: You hurt your back again?

BOOTH: No, no...no. It's that obvious, huh?

BRENNAN: Your gait suggests you re-strained your anterior longitudinal ligament.

BOOTH: Yeah, well, I blame the couch, all right? I fell asleep last night watching the game. Look, I figured you fixed my back last time, really well, and I just thought that maybe you could fix it again, so use your little magic knuckles, and hit it up, and we're good to go.

BRENNAN: Booth, if this has become a recurring problem, you should see a specialist.

BOOTH: Right, I get it-all disclaimers apply. Here we go, hit the back-chop-chop--we got a case.

BRENNAN: No!

BOOTH: What do you mean *no*? Last time I had this, you were begging to help me.

BRENNAN: I probably shouldn't have touched you the last time. You need a medical doctor.

BOOTH: I'm not asking you to perform surgery; just do what you did last time and fix it with your magic knuckles... Look, there's no one I trust more to get my back and crack it, than *you*.

BRENNAN: Wow!

BOOTH: You want more?

BRENNAN: No, that was effective. Turn around. Okay, ready?

BOOTH: Okay. This is gonna be good. Believe me, I really am not going to forget ... (Brennan wraps her arms around booth and cracks his back) this.

(Cut to- Jeffersonian lab)

ANGELA: How is he?

BRENNAN: Dr. Patel suspects a herniated disc in Booth's lumbar region. We'll know which vertebrae when the X-rays get here.

ANGELA: So you didn't actually paralyze him?

BRENNAN: No. The vicodin seems to be working. He claims it makes the furniture feel friendly. But he'll be on bed rest for the remainder of the week.

CAM: Are you okay?

BRENNAN: Of course. I wasn't the one who was injured. Admittedly, I shouldn't have let Booth talk me into adjusting him. (They reach the forensic platform) Agent Perotta.

PEROTTA: Dr. Brennan. Nice to see you, I was honored you requested me as a substitute for Agent Booth.

BRENNAN: The variables involved in breaking in a new person outweigh the benefit of possibly finding a better investigator.

PEROTTA: Aw, let's not get gushy about it.

CAM: Agent Perotta and I inspected the dump site, and I cleared the body to be transported back to the lab. We haven't determined identity yet.

BRENNAN: Booth usually waits for me to conduct my own examination of the scene.

PEROTTA: Do you want to go back there?

BRENNAN: No. I'll examine the remains here, thank you. (Brennan reaches the examination tables) Mr. Fisher, welcome back. What are your preliminary findings?

FISHER: Victim is female, twenty-five to twenty-nine years old. Severe damage to the skull; the mandible is almost completely severed.

BRENNAN: Avulsions to the tissue at the maxillary and mandibular incisors-- that's very unusual.

FISHER: It's like her face was hit by a wrecking ball.

BRENNAN: This damage is going to make facial reconstruction very difficult.

FISHER: Yeah.

(Brennan grabs her bag and leaves)

BRENNAN: Flesh is all yours, Dr. Saroyan.

PEROTTA: Does that mean we're officially investigating a murder?

ANGELA: She's just upset because she put Booth in the hospital.

PEROTTA: Well, I understand that, but I still need someone to officially say "murder."

CAM: Murder.

PEROTTA: Thank you. So... what do we make of this clothing?

ANGELA: Huh-- like a costume out of the Lord of the Rings, porno version.

CAM: Fisher, you're into this stuff.

FISHER: p0rn?

CAM: Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Geek stuff.

FISHER: Superficial judgment.

CAM: Both feet display erythema and heavy blistering, but no calluses. My guess is, she was standing in those princess pumps for hours. The skin here, on the back of the hand, is less desiccated than the area surrounding it. Not sure what that means yet.

PEROTTA: May I? (Perotta pulls out a black light and shines it on the victim's hand which makes a marking on the victim's hand visible) Hello!

(Cut to - Angela's office)

ANGELA: It's a spectroline UV stamp. They're designed to withstand evaporation. No match to any local bars or clubs, but I'm still searching.

BRENNAN: Agent Perotta discovered this?

ANGELA: Yes. You should be nicer to her.

BRENNAN: Well, I like working with Booth. I'm nice to him.

(Fisher walks in)

FISHER: Okay, I admit it, I'm a geek.

BRENNAN: You're Greek?

ANGELA: No, geek, sweetie.

FISHER: I love it all. Star Trek, Star Wars, Buffy, Xena, Akira. I even watch Fringe. My girlfriend Jill dumped me because of it, which is very depressing.

ANGELA: Fisher, what doesn't depress you?

FISHER: Answers. I know that insignia. I bet the victim was a booth babe at ImagiCon.

BRENNAN: I don't know what that means.

FISHER: ImagiCon? It's a convention for fans of genre movies, comic books, video games, anime.

ANGELA: And it's at Union Center till the end of the week.

FISHER: Click on "gallery" for Booth Babe Roundup. Yeah. When Dr. Saroyan talked about the victim standing on her feet for hours, it sort of started to click for me.

BRENNAN: Stop.

ANGELA: That's definitely our dress.

BRENNAN: And judging from her zygomatic arches and facial contours, there's a good chance that's our victim wearing it. Someone should inform Agent Perotta.

ANGELA: That'd be you, sweetie.

BRENNAN: Of course. I will inform Agent Perotta.

(Cut to- ImagiCon)

PEROTTA: These people don't look like killers.

BRENNAN: I... disagree.

TITLES ACT 1

BRENNAN: Fascinating, a summit between the disenfranchised and the commercial franchises. I'm at a loss for an anthropological analogue.

PEROTTA: So you really did a number on Booth's lower back, huh?

BRENNAN: He had a mechanical problem which didn't show up on his X-rays. My adjustment aggravated it.

PEROTTA: So, it was an accident.

BRENNAN: Yes. Why? Did Booth tell you something different?

PEROTTA: No, no, no. In fact, "aggravated" was, um, exactly the word he used. Oh, there's the Grimoire 3. 0 booth.

PEROTTA: I'm Special Agent Perotta, FBI. This is Dr. Brennan from the Jeffersonian. We need you to answer a couple of questions. (Perotta shows a picture of the victim)

SHINY KOPINSKY: Yeah, that's Kendra Kim. You can call me Shiny.

BRENNAN: Why?

SHINY KOPINSKY: It's my name. Shiny Kopinsky.

PEROTTA: Shiny, you didn't find it strange at all that Kendra didn't show up for work?

SHINY KOPINSKY: I just figured the Grimoire people fired her, for her attitude.

BRENNAN: What are Grimoire people?

SHINY KOPINSKY: Grimoire 3. 0 is the online encyclopaedia fantastica for the mouth breather crowd.

BRENNAN: Your job is to sexualize software?

PEROTTA: You mentioned Kendra had an attitude.

SHINY KOPINSKY: Kendra thought she was a princess. She kept bragging about the fact that this was her last trade show and she was sitting on some gold mine, and it was gonna cash in big.

BRENNAN: What was the gold mine?

SHINY KOPINSKY: She wouldn't say. But one day, I followed her on a lunch break. I figured I'd catch her talking to some game developer. I mean, those guys are loaded, and some of them even smell normal. But the only person I saw her talking to was some loser at the Blacksmith booth.

(Brennan and Perotta walk over to the blacksmith booth)

PEROTTA: Are you Kroon the Blacksmith?

PETER KROON: Kroon, I am. And who be ye, fair maiden?

PEROTTA: I be a special agent in search of justice and truth.

PETER KROON: Yea, thou art. How can I assist thee?

PEROTTA: By knocking off the medieval stuff and answering some questions.

BRENNAN: That would make me feel more comfortable.

PEROTTA: I assume "Kroon the Blacksmith" is not on your driver's license.

PETER KROON: The name's Peter Kroon. I don't know what you've heard, but these weapons are all legal and accounted for.

PEROTTA: Do you know this young woman? (Perotta shows the victim's picture)

PETER KROON: I know her first name. Kimba.

BRENNAN: Kendra.

PETER KROON: Whatever. She's the girl with Excalibur.

BRENNAN: You mean the sword from the King Arthur mythos?

PETER KROON: Yes. Though in this case, it's a prop sword from the film "La Mort d'Arthur". Is she in trouble?

PEROTTA: No.

BRENNAN: No. She's dead.

VISITOR: Do you sell nunchaku?

PETER KROON: No. No.

PEROTTA: Why do you ask if she's in trouble?

PETER KROON: Uh, she stopped by and asked me how much I'd give her for it. Excalibur. I take a look, and go, "Whoa, that ain't no ordinary cutlery." I have to wonder if it's not, you know, stolen.

BRENNAN: Did it have significant value?

PETER KROON: It was worth thousands. Tens of thousands.

PEROTTA: You weren't tempted to kill her, take it for yourself?

PETER KROON: Look, I could've told her it was worth two hundred bucks, ripped her off, but I didn't. I sent her to Carl Derf to list it at the auction.

BRENNAN: Why was this piece of cutlery worth so much?

PETER KROON: It was the actual prop wielded by Guy Thivisol in the first fantasy film ever made! The Excalibur from this film is the holy grail of fantasy memorabilia. Here it is. Beautiful.

PEROTTA: And you have no idea where Kendra Kim got it?

PETER KROON: She said she got it from her family.

PEROTTA: You don't believe her?

PETER KROON: That sword hasn't been seen in 20 years. What I thought was that she got it from someone else here.

BRENNAN: Stole it?

PETER KROON: Stole it, maybe. The girl was hot. That goes a long way in a place like this.

(Cut to - Autopsy room)

FISHER: Trauma is limited to the skull. Once I clean the skeleton and get a better look at the mandibular damage, I'll know more. Or get fired for incompetence.

CAM: Well, I am finished with the soft tissue, so you can remove the flesh now.

HODGINS: According to our old friends Diptera and Coleoptera, I'd place actual time of death about 72 hours ago. Also, I discovered soil under her nails, along with traces of Virginia nailwort. Neither native to the dump site. (Fisher sighes) What's with the long face there, sunshine?

CAM: Mr. Fisher just broke up with his girlfriend and he's feeling a little down.

HODGINS: What about me? My girlfriend and I broke up and I gotta see her at work every day.

CAM: Well, obviously, it hasn't blackened your soul like it has mine.

HODGINS: There was some light charring.

CAM: I'm dead inside.

HODGINS: Okay, you win. Happy?

CAM: Not that I can ever remember.

(Cut to- Booth in his apartment, Brennan in her office, on the phone)

BRENNAN: So, what did your doctor say?

BOOTH: Something about a possible herniation occurred on my disks L-3,L-4. Nothing, you know, a little rest stretching... Hey, maybe a good massage will just kick it right out.

BRENNAN: Intervertebral disk degeneration shouldn't be taken lightly. Are you wearing your lumbo-sacral support belt?

BOOTH: Yeah, the girdle, you mean. Yes, it's nice and tight. Oh, hold on. (He answers the 2nd line) It's Booth.

PEROTTA: Hey, it's Perotta. How you doing? Uh, you need anything?

BOOTH: No. I am just dandy.

PEROTTA: Well, if you do, um... Hey, we found the victim's father.

BRENNAN: We did?

PEROTTA: Who's that?

BOOTH: It's Booth.

PEROTTA: No, no, no, before it was you.

BRENNAN: Booth, you pressed "conference."

PEROTTA: Dr. Brennan?

BOOTH: It's me Booth.

BRENNAN: Booth is on painkillers. Is the victim's father coming in?

BOOTH: I want to be there.

BRENNAN: No, you can't. He can't PEROTTA: Why?

BOOTH: Yes, I can. What are you still doing on this call?

BRENNAN: No, Agent Perotta, his back is very bad. He can't be there. You can't let him in.

BOOTH: Yes, I can. I am the ranking officer.

BRENNAN: But you are incapacitated by painkillers.

BOOTH: Bones, enough, okay? I'm not incapacapitated, whatever you said there, all right? I just... Don't listen to her, Perotta. Don't.

(Cut to- FBI Meeting room - Perotta is interrogating the victim's father, Booth is via video feed on a laptop)

PEROTTA: Did you daughter live at home with you, Mr. Kim?

MR. KIM: No. Kendra lived in a condo in Logan Circle.

BOOTH: Look, ask him when was the last time he saw his daughter.

MR. KIM: What was that?

PEROTTA: This is Agent, um, Booth.

BOOTH: Hello?

PEROTTA: He's unable to be with us in person.

MR. KIM: Kendra and I didn't see each other much, despite the fact that I put a roof over her head.

PEROTTA: According to the modeling agency that booked your daughter, all of her checks were sent to your address.

MR. KIM: The money went to pay the mortgage on the condo, which is also in my name.

BOOTH: It's kind of a weird arrangement, now isn't it?

MR. KIM: So's this.

BOOTH: Well, considering my situation and my back, just... continue.

MR. KIM: Kendra was about as irresponsible as a person could be. I told her, after she paid her debt to me, she could spend her money how she wanted.

PEROTTA: Tough love.

BOOTH: Did you give her a sword?

MR. KIM: A sword?

BOOTH: It's a knife, but it's only huge.

MR. KIM: No.

BOOTH: But did you daughter mention that she might have something of value?

MR. KIM: No.

BOOTH: Probably because you'd take it away from her.

PEROTTA: Okay, this doesn't work.

BOOTH: Don't shut me off!

PEROTTA: I'd like to take a look at your daughter's condo, Mr. Kim.

(Cut to- Kendra's condo - Perotta and Brennan enter the condo to find that it has been trashed)

BRENNAN: Looks like someone really wanted that sword.

ACT 2

(Hodgins and a few FBI techs have joined Perotta and Brennan)

PEROTTA: Precise slashes to the couch and removal of ventilation screens suggest purpose frustrated in the search.

FBI TECH: Digital answering machine behind the bed. It's cracked.

PEROTTA: See if Computer Forensics can get anything off of it.

HODGINS: Found some running shoes in the closet. Soles contain insects, soil and blood.

PEROTTA: You want our lab to analyze that or yours?

HODGINS: Yeah, I'd like to see you try and get these away from me now. Figuratively speaking, of course.

PEROTTA: Anything else, Dr. Hodgins?

HODGINS: In some ways, you're just like Booth. Mean that as a compliment.

PEROTTA: I don't think you do.

(Cut to- Jeffersonian)

FISHER: Now, check this out. Mandibular trauma downward, maxillary trauma upward, trauma to the molars extends bilaterally.

BRENNAN: The force radiated symmetrically from the center of her mouth.

FISHER: It's like her face exploded.

BRENNAN: Certainly nothing I've seen before. Very good, Mr. Fisher.

FISHER: Really? Just seems like the truth is further away than it was before and like laughing at us.

BRENNAN: Process of elimination is a key step to discovering the truth. I've seen many unusual murder weapons. So the fact that I don't recognize this one, rules out all the others.

FISHER: My kind of silver ling. It's depressing.

(Cut to- Cam's office)

HODGINS: The blood I found on the Booth babe's running shoes-- not human. I think our princess kissed a toad. Bufo Americanus. American toad.

CAM: So she stepped on a frog?

HODGINS: A toad. Bufo Americanus. Which amphibian is down to one local population right here near the Potomac in an area which matches the soil and the flora found beneath her fingernails.

CAM: She went for a run, stepped on a frog, and buried something.

HODGINS: A toad, and yeah, yeah, that's the picture forming in my mind, too.

(Cut to - FBI Meeting room)

PEROTTA: We pulled this message off the victim's answering machine.

(Voice on a tape): I don't know who you think we're fooling, little princess, but you're playing with a woman who gets what she wants. You've got three days. I want that sword.

SWEETS: You want me to do a profile from a voice on an answering machine?

PEROTTA: Give it a shot. You're a smarty-pants.

SWEETS: Okay, fine. "You're playing with a woman." That suggests that the caller regards the victim as a child in comparison.

PEROTTA: Okay, so, so what, an old woman?

SWEETS: No, no, experientially, probably in terms of sexual experience. So you're looking for someone fairly promiscuous. I think that she's already tried to take the sword from a man, and now is truly annoyed that she has to deal with a girl.

PEROTTA: The auctioneer is a man, and he evaluated the sword before Kendra panicked and buried it.

(Cut to - ImagiCon)

DERF: I can assure you that this is a clean and fair auction. We've been running this auction for 15 years.

PEROTTA: Please answer the question, Mr. Dorf.

DERF: "Derf." Yes, I certified and registered the item. I even gave the consigner an option to store it in our secure room. She declined.

PEROTTA: Consigner has to give you detailed contact information, right?

DERF: If they want to get paid.

PEROTTA: And sometimes you give that information to certain parties interested in illegal pre-bidding?

DERF: What? No, no. Look, I told you before...

SWEETS: Your pupils are constricted, suggesting an increase in adrenaline.

DERF: What?

SWEETS: And the change in voice pitch indicates increased pressure in the neck via the laryngeal prominence.

DERF: What, what are you saying?

SWEETS: You're lying to us. Kinesthesia is a clear indicator of dissembling, Mr. Dorf.

DERF: "Derf." But look...

PEROTTA: Do you recognize this voice?

(Voice on the tape): I don't know who you think you're fooling, little princess, but you're playing with a woman who gets what she wants. You've got three days. I want that sword.

SWEETS: Did that woman contact you about the sword?

DERF: Yes, she did. Her name is Valerie Daniels. She's a medieval weapons collector.

PEROTTA: And you provided her with Kendra Kim's address and phone number.

DERF: Every auction does private pre-bids, and no one ever gets...

PEROTTA: Hurt?

DERF: What? Wait a minute. What about the Excalibur? Did you find it? Is it still going up for auction?

PEROTTA: Booth is right. You're like a portable polygraph.

SWEETS: He didn't mean that in a good way, though, did he?

(Cut to- FBI Interrogation room)

SWEETS: This is quite a collection of medieval and fantasy weapons, Miss Daniels.

VALERIE DANIELS: My parents call it a waste of my trust fund, which is praise enough for me.

PEROTTA: Seems like an unlikely hobby for a young woman.

VALERIE DANIELS: I like sharp edges. I like sharp against soft. What do you like, Dr. Sweets?

SWEETS: What?

PEROTTA: Can you account for your whereabouts Wednesday night?

VALERIE DANIELS: Yeah. I was somewhere not killing Kendra Kim. That's what you wanted to know, right?

PEROTTA: It's not what I asked.

VALERIE DANIELS: I was at the Immortal Comics after-party. You can ask Dean Noveck, the publisher. We slept together. The s*x was vanilla. At least I got an alibi out of it, right?

SWEETS: You feel a need to be in control, don't you, Miss Daniels?

VALERIE DANIELS: I'd like to control you if you're up for it.

SWEETS: Oh, I assure you I'm not. And your attempt to regain self-esteem through sexual intimidation will not repair the dysfunctional relationship you had with your father. Abandonment, abuse, indifference.

VALERIE DANIELS: You are far more ripped under those schoolboy duds than one would think, aren't you, Dr. Sweets?

SWEETS: Yes, but right now, I'm more interested to hear why you trashed Kendra's condo after you didn't kill her.

VALERIE DANIELS: Her condo was trashed?

PEROTTA: They were looking for Excalibur. That's what you wanted, right?

VALERIE DANIELS: I travel the world tracking down rare and beautiful weapons. I do research, I develop contacts, I put in serious work. Along comes this Booth babe with a famous sword thought to be lost for decades. She didn't deserve it.

PEROTTA: But you deserved it.

VALERIE DANIELS: I asked her where did she get it. She said somebody dressed as a black knight just gave it to her on the first day of ImagiCon. Just walked up and presented it to her as a gift. She expected me to believe that? I didn't kill the girl. I just wanted the sword.

(Cut to - Park)

HODGINS: Thanks for coming along.

ANGELA: Yeah, any chance to get some fresh air.

HODGINS: Lone guy with a metal detector in the bushes-- looks kind of creepy.

ANGELA: It is. And I know you. Oh, boy! Frog!

HODGINS: Toad, not frog. Bufo Americanus. And Virginia nailwort.

ANGELA: We're close to where she buried the sword.

HODGINS: Hold on a second. I got frequency response.

HODGINS: Excalibur. (He digs up the sword and holds it up in the air) I am the once-and-future king.

ANGELA: Way to not be creepy.

ACT 3

(Cut to - Forensic Platform)

BRENNAN: That is not a toy, Dr. Hodgins.

FISHER: It kind of is. It's a movie prop.

HODGINS: Stainless steel blade. That was new technology for the time. Edge is dull, of course.

BRENNAN: May I see? It's badly balanced. The blade is warped.

PEROTTA: All of the prints on the sword belong to Kendra Kim. Could this be the murder weapon?

FISHER: She wasn't stabbed or slashed. The damage to her jaw is unique. It wasn't from being struck with a sword.

SWEETS: Is that the sword? Can I? An elegant weapon for a more civilized age.

BRENNAN: Actually, the age in which swords were the primary infantry weapon was some of the most barbaric in history.

PEROTTA: It's a line from Star Wars.

SWEETS: Obi-Wan Kenobi.

BRENNAN: What language is that supposed to be?

HODGINS: Why is he all excited?

SWEETS: Finding this sword has given us a unique advantage in this case. We now have what the killer wants the most. It only makes sense that the killer's gonna come after it again.

PEROTTA: Dr. Sweets wants to lay a trap.

SWEETS: You said that the auctioneer is no longer a suspect, correct?

PEROTTA: So we lean on him to fake the auction?

BRENNAN: We can't auction off evidence.

SWEETS: I never thought of that.

HODGINS: We could insert an undercover asset who outbids everyone for the item no matter how high the price goes.

PEROTTA: The auction's tomorrow. I don't have time to set up that kind of operation.

SWEETS: I'll do it. You and Dr. Brennan have already been seen walking around ImagiCon asking questions, right? Whereas I am an unknown quantity. An enigma. Who is this man bidding so aggressively for Excalibur? I'm confident that if our killer is there, this will provoke him to reveal himself. I play the mystery bidder, you observe the unsuspecting suspects via video feed in a separate room.

PEROTTA: Who's gonna run the camera?

SWEETS: We need someone who blends in. Someone who looks like they belong there.

(They all look at Fisher)

FISHER: I drug your ghost across the country. And we plotted out my death in every city Memories would whisper, "Here is where you rest," ah. What's wrong now?

(Cut to- ImagiCom Auction room)

DERF: Sold to the Rancor princess. Congratulations, ma'am.

BRENNAN: Is there a special reason why you wanted me here, Agent Perotta?

PEROTTA:I- I thought you wanted to be involved in the investigation.

BRENNAN: Uh, um, okay. Pan around, Fisher.

DERF: We have an Imperial...

PEROTTA: Good. There is Peter Kroon.

DERF: Bidding starts at...

PEROTTA: And there is Valerie Daniels. Let's hope she doesn't recognize Sweets.

BRENNAN: Oh, there's the Black Knight. Valerie Daniels said that a Black Knight gave Kendra the sword.

PEROTTA: All right, stay on this one, Fisher.

DERF: Okay, lot 922. We have here the Geiger counter, the actual Geiger counter used by Ron Berger in "The Day of the Atom". Who can forget that sound right before the giant cockroach attack? Click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click! Bidding starts at $10,000. Do I have ten? Ten to the Elven Warrior! 15 to the Snaarflap in the front row.

Do I have 16? Sixteen? $20,000! Going once, twice. Sold to the gentleman Molnar! Uh, sorry, ma'am. Female Molnar.

PEROTTA: Okay, here we go. Sword is next. Uh, Fisher, find Sweets. Sweets, you got to try to keep that giant fuzzy thing between you and Valerie Daniels, okay?

SWEETS: She won't recognize me.

BRENNAN: Where did he get that disguise on such short notice?

PEROTTA: My guess is his closet.

DERF: Our last item needs no introduction: The Excalibur sword from the film "La Mort d'Arthur". As you may have heard, the seller of this item tragically died this week. According to her family's wishes, the proceeds from this lot will go to charity. Due to the rare nature of this item, bidding will start at $50,000. This will separate the men from the boys. (Valerie Daniels raises her auction card) Or the women! $50,000 to the lady in black. Do I hear 55? Sixty? 60 to the gentleman from the future with the red lips. Do I hear 70? $70,000, yes! Do I hear 80? $80,000! Do I hear 90? We have 80 on the table. Do I hear...

BADGLEY MORMONT: One hundred and fifty.

PEROTTA: Fisher, let me take a look at this guy.

DERF: $150,000. Going once, twice... One hundred sixty! One hundred and seventy! Two? $200,000!

VALERIE DANIELS: Who is that guy?

BRENNAN: Who is that guy?

DERF: This was Johnny Gerard's first ever fantasy film.

SWEETS: $300,000!

DERF: Sir? $400,000! $400,000!

BRENNAN: In 193 A.D., the Praetorian Guard took over Rome and auctioned off the entire empire to the highest bidder. I don't know why I'm nervous, but I am.

PEROTTA: Sweets, it's fake money. Okay? Just do it.

DERF: twice...

PEROTTA: Do it!

SWEETS: Five hundred!

DERF: $500,000 for the Excalibur sword. A half a million dollars. Sir? Ma'am? $500,000 going once... twice...sold to the skinny gentleman dressed as a... Congratulations, sir. And thank you, everyone. Join us at the medieval weapons demonstration in the exhibit hall.

FISHER: How you doing? Just making a documentary.

PEROTTA: Well, I am gonna go talk to James Bond. (She approaches him) Nice suit. Got a minute? Badgley Mormont? Is that your real name?

BADGLEY MORMONT: Of course it's my real name. It's a family name. Could I possibly get my passport back?

PEROTTA: You in a big hurry to get somewhere?

BADGLEY MORMONT: I need to make a flight, yes.

PEROTTA: What's your business with the sword?

BADGLEY MORMONT: I represent a group of collectors known as the Arthurian Consortium. We house the world's largest collection of materials relating to Camelot. They wanted the sword.

DERF: That was actually pretty wild. But I'm pretty sure no one realized the auction was bogus.

BADGLEY MORMONT: The auction was fixed?

DERF: Uh oh!

BADGLEY MORMONT: I'm going to sue you, and I'm going to sue you.

(Cut to- Sweets' car)

SWEETS: You know, intellectually, I knew the auction was fixed, but, man, my heart was pumping.

BRENNAN: Well technically, your adrenal glands were secreting.

SWEETS: Okay, remember last session when we talked about the correcting and how it could be read the wrong way?

BRENNAN: Right. So...how did it feel when you won the sword?

SWEETS: Awesome! Thank you for asking. Though I got to say, I'll be glad to be back behind my desk. I had enough excitement to last me...

(A car speeds right into them, forcing them off the road. Sweets is injured. Brennan gets out of the car to confront their attacker, after he steals the sword)

BRENNAN: Stop!

(They have a fight, where Brennan manages to get the sword back)

BRENNAN: Sweets, are you hurt?

SWEETS: I- I don't know. I don't know. Mad props.

BRENNAN: Thanks. You okay?

ACT 4

(Cut to - Brennan in her office, Booth on the phone)

BOOTH: Okay, you know what? I'm coming in. All right? You could've been killed.

BRENNAN: No, you shouldn't move, Booth. With a herniated disc, the splintered cartilage can irritate the nerves and...

BOOTH: I'm fine.

BRENNAN: So the-the pain is gone?

BOOTH: Don't feel a thing. (He tries to get up from the couch) I might not be moving as fast, but, hey, still haven't lost my edge. So why wasn't Perotta with you?

BRENNAN: I was with Sweets.

BOOTH: That's like being protected by a Smurf. Not the sheriff, the guy who was in charge. I don't even know his name, but he was blue, small guy...

BRENNAN: Booth have you taken more Vicodin? Look, Booth, I'm fine. Sweets is fine. A little shaken up, but really, we're both fine. Please don't come in.

BOOTH: If you think so. But I'm ready.

BRENNAN: That's amazing in your condition.

BOOTH: Well, you know me.

BRENNAN: I really think you should just take your Vicodin and rest.

BOOTH: All right. Okay. Let me talk to Perotta.

BRENNAN: All right.

(Brennan hands the phone to Perotta)

BRENNAN: He wants to talk to you.

PEROTTA: How are you, Agent Booth?

BOOTH: The only reason that I'm not coming in right now is because Bones told me not to. But she is your responsibility. Nothing can happen to her, okay? If anything happens to her, you know, that silky black hair and... that soft skin...

PEROTTA:I will not let her out of my sight. You have my word.

(Booth lays down on the floor and turns on the TV to cartoons)

PEROTTA: Now, uh, we should really get back to the case, Agent Booth.

BOOTH: Am I stopping you?

PEROTTA: All right, I'm gonna go, uh, round up as many Black Knights as I can at ImagiCon. In the meantime, please don't go out in the field without me.

BRENNAN: I don't need a sitter. Booth gets needlessly protective sometimes. I have no idea why.

PEROTTA: You really don't, do you?

BRENNAN: No.

PEROTTA: Just call me. Please.

(Cut to - Hodgins' station)

HODGINS: Matched paint chips that we lifted from Sweets's car. Copolymer comprised of ethylenically unsaturated monomers containg hydroxyl group and other vinyl monomers.

ANGELA: You know, they could have been killed, Hodgins. Sweets is way too young for this. He still has to show his ID to drink.

HODGINS: But they weren't.

ANGELA: And Brennan...She shouldn't be putting herself in danger like this.

HODGINS: Angela, she cares too much to keep it all in the lab, and you're never gonna change her.

ANGELA: Why can't she just get her rocks off through s*x like a normal person, right?

HODGINS: I agree. And in the spirit of friendship, if, you know, you ever... (His computer beeps)

ANGELA: Saved by the beep, huh?

HODGINS: The paint is from an early '90s Ford Explorer. Now, all Perotta has to do is find an evil Black Knight that owns one.

(Cut to - Forensic Platform)

CAM: There's blood on the blade, so you landed some hits on the errant Knight. He's injured.

BRENNAN: Can you pull DNA?

CAM: Sure, but we have nothing to compare it to.

BRENNAN: There are some fresh nicks on the blade. Only metal would damage the blade like this.

CAM: Was he wearing armor?

BRENNAN: No. His movement wasn't constricted at all.

SWEETS: He jangled.

CAM: Sweets. How are you feeling?

SWEETS: Appreciative of the air bag. Um, doctor says I'm fine, thanks.

CAM: Jangled.

SWEETS: Yeah.

CAM: A lot of change in his pocket?

BRENNAN: I wasn't particularly observant because during the attack, I secreted copious quantities of adrenaline.

CAM: An attack is an acceptable excuse, Dr. Brennan. I'll have Hodgins examine the sword and see what he can find.

BRENNAN: Okay.

SWEETS: Uh, hey, I have to thank you, Dr. Brennan, for saving my life. I owe you a great deal.

BRENNAN: I'm sure you would have done the same for me, Dr. Sweets, if I had been trapped in the car.

SWEETS: Yeah. Though I have to say, you were quite impressive with that sword. Your move--very Xena-ish.

BRENNAN: Xena-ish?

SWEETS: Xena-- she's a tall warrior princess who is really...a fantasy.

BRENNAN: Okay, thank you, I...think.

SWEETS: Oh, uh, hey, since we shared this brush with death, Dr. Brennan, I was wondering if I could also call you "Bones" in future moments of shared camaraderie?

BRENNAN: Don't call me "Bones."

SWEETS: Sure about that, Bones?

BRENNAN: Please, don't.

(Cut to - FBI Meeting room)

PEROTTA: None of them drives a Ford Explorer, and they all have alibis. Four that can be corroborated by their moms.

CAM: Any way for you to get blood samples?

PEROTTA: No. I mean dressing like a medieval knight isn't exactly enough to get a warrant to collect DNA.

CAM: Maybe you could get the names of a few more Black Knights from these Black Knights?

PEROTTA: Okay. But I gotta tell you, being addressed as Me Ladey for two hours makes one a little cranky.

BLACK KNIGHTS: Me Ladey!

(Cut to - Autopsy room)

CAM: Mr. Fisher!

FISHER: This is the murder weapon. Not the literal murder weapon-- I'm not that good-- but it certainly falls within the genre or type.

CAM: What is it?

FISHER: The Pear of Anguish, a medieval torture device. Valerie had it.

CAM: Valerie...

FISHER: Valerie Daniels.

CAM: One of the suspects in the case Valerie Daniels? How did you get it?

FISHER: Oh, do we really have to get into that?

CAM: Now we do, yeah.

FISHER: Our eyes met at the auction. We shared a bleak and profound hopelessness.

CAM: You spent the night with a suspect?

FISHER: Yes. Valerie enjoys quite a collection of torture devices, and other archaic implements used for pleasure rather than pain. May I? (He takes a plaster skull from one of the shelves)

CAM: Sure.

FISHER: This particular Pear of Anguish is to be inserted in either the v*g1n* or the anus. There are larger ones for the mouth. As it is opened, it expands the hard palate and mandible in equal proportion, which would give exactly these injuries. Crushing the maxilla and zygomatic... thrusting the bones into the brain, killing the victim.

CAM: That is one horrible way to die.

FISHER: I wish the depravity and cruelty of human behaviour surprised me.

CAM: Does that extend to disciplinary action? 'Cause you are in big trouble, my melancholy friend.

FISHER: Of course I am. Who could expect a night of love to last?

(Cut to Forensic platform)

HODGINS: I've done every test I can think of on this sword.

FISHER: Can I say something?

CAM: The only thing I'm willing to hear from you right now, Mister Firsher, is "I hereby tender my resignation."

BRENNAN: Practically speaking, this sword is not worth enough to kill for.

FISHER: If any thing is worth killing for, then everything is worth killing for.

HODGINS: It's worth so much because it appeared in the movie.

BRENNAN: That's conveyed value. Intrinsically it can't be worth more than a few hundred dollars.

CAM: You mean if it really was a sword from 100 AD, you'd understand killing for it?

BRENNAN: Yes, I would. I'd like very much to examine a sword like that. What about the marks on this sword?

HODGINS: Metal. You struck metal.

CAM: You said he was a knight.

FISHER: Chain mail. I'm thinking chain mail.

BRENNAN: Huh CAM: What?

BRENNAN: The knight who attacked me was authentic in his moves. He used two attack manoeuvres: the serpent and the arrowhead.

FISHER: Could've learned them from movies.

BRENNAN: Movies never show combatants holding the sword correctly, which is one hand on the handle and the other on the blade. Our assailant's form was historically accurate.

HODGINS: So, uh, you believe you were attacked by an actual Arthurian Knight?

BRENNAN: No. Time travel is scientifically impossible. But I was attacked by someone well-trained in archaic martial arts, wearing chain mail. Hodgins, We're going to need to use your metal detector again.

HODGINS: Sure.

CAM: I think she means that you should go with her.

HODGINS: Oh, yeah, right, hey, field trip.

(Cut to - Off the highway)

BRENNAN: What's that?

HODGINS: Part of Sweets's car. Think he wants it back?

BRENNAN: I'll ask him.

HODGINS: So what am I looking for exactly? Maybe the Black Knight dropped his metal wallet?

BRENNAN: No. Historically, that would be a leather sack held together with flax thread. It wouldn't register on your metal detector. I hit him hard. Perhaps hard enough to dislodge... (She finds something on the ground) some of his chain mail.

(Cut to- Jeffersonian)

HODGINS: What we're looking at is flat riveted chain mail.

CAM: Is it real?

HODGINS: If by "real," you mean does it come from medieval times? No, no. But it's a very, very good replica, made of wrought iron. It's alternating rows of solid rings and riveted rings. Historically accurate, but the smelting methods for the wrought iron are modern.

CAM: Can you trace the manufacturer?

HODGINS: I had Fisher do it.

CAM: Hodgins, are you trying to help someone? Because that's not in your character.

HODGINS: The way I see it, Fisher's like a deep cover agent. He infiltrated the enemy to uncover secrets. In order to do so, he had to suffer a night of passion with a beautiful but dangerous enemy.

FISHER: You have no idea how dangerous.

HODGINS: He's sort of my hero.

CAM: All right, what have you got?

FISHER: I didn't have to go far. There are only three manufacturers working at this level with these materials. Can I please keep my job if I promise never ever to have s*x again with anyone, which, by the way, suits me temperamentally? I happen to be very self-sufficient.

CAM: I won't require that, Mr. Fisher, but I do require discretion.

FISHER: Nothing will pass these lips again, Dr. Saroyan. Even if a scary, hot woman in black leather uses the Pear of Anguish on me. Which I'm actually afraid she will.

CAM: (Cam opens the file that Fisher just handed to her) Kroon the Blacksmith.

(Cut to - FBI Interrogation room)

BRENNAN: You started out as a serious historian at Yale. You studied medieval warfare and Chaucerian literature at Oxford. You're a published poet.

PETER KROON: You're wondering how a man with all my potential ended up selling artefacts to fantasy geeks?

BRENNAN: No, I don't care.

PEROTTA: Your car shows you are the person who drove Dr. Brennan and Dr. Sweets off the road. Your wound matches the one Dr. Brennan delivered to her assailant. It was your blood on the sword, and we found fragments of your chain mail.

BRENNAN: We know you did it.

PEROTTA: We just don't know why.

BRENNAN: But we really don't care why.

PEROTTA: Well, I kind of do. The motive thing, it's pretty central to a conviction.

SWEETS: I know why he did it. Read this to him. "What is a man without his love?

BRENNAN: "What is a man without his love? If Love turn its back on thee, it is as a hearth with no fire, 'Tis best to slay the false heart, to waken from the dream that is life than live dark hearted in a dark world."

PEROTTA: What's that?

PETER KROON: It's mine. I wrote that.

SWEETS: It's a confession.

BRENNAN: It's a confession. I loved her. Stupid, but... love is stupid, you know.

PEROTTA: You gave her the sword, your most valuable possession. And she tried to sell it for rent.

BRENNAN: You killed her because she wanted to sell a movie prop?

PETER KROON: You don't understand. No one understands true love anymore.

(Cut to - Booth's apartment)

BOOTH: So he killed her because he loved her so much?

BRENNAN: The whole Age of Chivalry was irrational. Knights, maidens, and thank goodness we've moved through the Reformation and the enlightenment and into the age of reason. (She points to Booth's X-rays) Do you see what I mean?

BOOTH: Not at all. I gotta tell you, I think they had it pretty good idea with the whole chivalry thing, you know, open cart doors, kill dragons, small hearts... BRENNAN: You still on vicodin?

BOOTH: Yeah, a little BRENNAN: Okay, what I'm trying to show you is that your doctor's wrong. You've been mis-diagnosed.

BOOTH: What? Give me that!

BRENNAN: Just a small misalignment. I'd be happy to fix it for you.

BOOTH: No, no, no. Last time you did that, I almost ended up in a wheel chair.

BRENNAN: Don't you trust me?

BOOTH: You know what? Let's not make it about trust!

BRENNAN: Well, It's a fact, it's not what I make of it. You ready?

BOOTH: Oh, definitely not ready! (He gets up from the couch, while Brennan wraps her arms around his neck again. A knock on the door is heard) It's open! (Brennan cracks Booth's back) Wow!

PEROTTA: Oh! I didn't...I thought you said the door was open.

BRENNAN: It is open. I'm done. I'm just leaving.

PEROTTA: Oh! No, no, no. I just, um, brought some chilli I made, but, um, I'll just leave that there, and you can, um...are you all right?

BRENNAN: Yeah, he's fine now!

BOOTH: I gotta tell you, I'm a little afraid to move.

BRENNAN: He's fine. Please, you stay.

PEROTTA: Oh. I can't. You stay.

BRENNAN: I gotta go. I can't stay.

BOOTH: Wait, now nobody's staying? Hello?

END