PANTs on Fire

Sub created by: David Coleman. Ah! Finally, finished with all my homework. I don't know what I learned, but I know I'm done learning. Hey, Chyna! You wanna come with me to a lecture at the history of Voice Modulation Museum? Today's topic is Using Monotone For Lack of Emphasis. It's going to be crazy exciting. Olive, I would love to go, but I'm just so swamped with homework. Oh, really? Because this is going to be the best history of voice modulation event since their symposium on sing-song inflection. Loved it! Sounds awesome! But I can't go. I have to study. History. Math. Student directory. Fu's Dragon takeout menu. I don't believe this! There are extra credit courses I didn't know about? Well, you have fun. Unfortunately, I'm going to be stuck inside all day, having no fun at all. This is so much fun! You ready? I hit the ball! See, I'm not uncoordinated, despite what all those mean kids and medical professionals say. Chyna? What are you doing here? I thought you were studying. I am. I'm just finishing up the last of my reading. "Made in the Philippines". Fascinating. Really? Because it looks like you're playing ping pong. No! We were about to play ping pong. We haven't even started yet. All right. Your serve. The score is 675 to zero. Ooh, ooh. Ooh. Doo, doo. Ooh, ooh. Ooh. Doo, doo. Woo! Everybody's got that thing. Something different, we all bring. Don't you let 'em, clip your wings. You got it! You got it! We're on fire and we blaze, in extraordinary ways. 365 days. We got it! We got it! You can dream it. You can be it. If you can feel it, you can believe it! Because I am, you are, we are Exceptional. Exceptional! Yeah, I am, you are, we are Exceptional. Exceptional! Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh. Woo! Wow, Chyna. I can't believe you lied to me. What? I would never lie to you. The truth is I did have a ton of homework but, living with you must have rubbed off on me, because I finished it all in no time. Literally, no time. You're not lying to me about not lying to me, are you? Olive, if I'm lying to you, may a lightning bolt come out of the sky and strike Fletcher down. What ever happened to "cross my heart"? Okay. Thank you for being honest with me. Anyway, since you did all your homework, it's "Open Mike" night at the Morgue. They're going to autopsy a guy named Mike. You want to go with me? Sure. I would love to go see a dead stranger's insides. Okay, let's go! Hey, Fletcher, check out what I found online! You know when a guy excitedly tells another guy "check out what I found online!" The other guy isn't expecting to look at a tree. It's not just any tree. It's my family tree. Turns out I'm related to the royal family of Luxembourg! Angus, you're related to royalty? Why didn't you ever tell me that? Um, one, because I just found out. And, two, because you told me to never talk to you. Well, that was when you were a nobody. Now you're a nobody related to a somebody. That's true. But I've been emailing with my cousin. His dad's the King. Does that make you a Prince? No, but my cousin is. Oh. He's coming to visit and he wants to have dinner with me tomorrow night! I can't believe a Prince is coming! All my years of being incredibly beautiful are finally going to pay off! You have to introduce me. Actually, I'm thinking of telling him not to come. What? Why? Well, I don't feel comfortable being with those fancy people. I'm more down-to-Earth. Okay, being down-to-Earth isn't the same thing as being dirty. But maybe I can help you feel comfortable about meeting your royal cousin. Nobody knows more about elegance, grace and proper manners than I do. Really? Because you just threw me out of a chair. Excuse me! Was I talking to you? Hey, Dixon, I need to ask your advice about Olive. We just got back from a staring contest. Oh, you had a staring contest? We didn't have one. We went to one. To watch. For three hours. What do you do when Olive makes you do boring stuff? You mean like listening to her best friend's problems? Exactly! Anyway, Olive keeps inviting me to things that I don't like. So, I either have to go, or I have to lie to get out of going. And I hate lying. Well, you don't need to worry about lying anymore. What do you mean? As part of my spy training, I've developed the next generation of truth serum. I put a test batch in the bran muffin you just ate. What? That's how we entice our enemies to eat it. I mean, who can resist a bran muffin? They're full of fiber, and it's a known fact, no matter what country "Everyone needs to poop". Come on. There's no such thing as truth serum. As if a muffin could make me tell you that I haven't done laundry in a month, so this morning I sniffed all the blouses in my hamper until I found the one that was the least stinky and put it on. Why did I just say that? Because the truth serum makes you blurt out the truth, whether you want to or not. Oh, no. This is horrible! More horrible than your breath, which smells like a small rodent crawled into your mouth and died inside of it. And as if things couldn't get worse, now I have to poop! Okay, let's begin your etiquette lessons. Lesson one, when out in society put on pants. All the time? Maybe we should start with something simple. How to interact with servants. Dinner is served. Because I should have known there's a catch when Lexi invited me to dinner. Angus, what do you say? - Thanks, Fletcher. - No! Don't give them names! That is not how royalty behaves. Watch me. You call this poached salmon? No. It's a grilled cheese sandwich. Lexi, I don't know if I can ever be as classy as you. Hey, I hate your haircut. You look like a shaved poodle. Why did I say that? Stupid truth serum! There's that cute guy. Don't say anything insulting to him. I sweat when I eat apples. Hey, Chyna! The Time-Keeping Museum just got in some Mesopotamian sundials! Wanna come check them out? It starts promptly when the big shadow hits the Babylonian lion. Don't hurt her feelings. Just smile and agree to go with her. That sounds more boring than the staring contest. What are you talking about? That staring contest went into double overtime! - You told me you had fun. - Yeah, I lied. Just like I lied yesterday to get out of all those other boring things. Fine! If all the things I like to do are so boring, then you never have to do anything with me ever again. And it's your loss, because I was about to invite you to the opening of the new History of History Museums Museum. Okay, when the dinner begins tonight, the first thing you do is take your napkin Wait. What do I need another napkin for? I'm already wearing this neck napkin. That is a tie. The napkin is to keep your pants clean. Now I have to wear clean pants? Where does it end? Ooh, meat cake! That's a steak! You know what? Let's just skip dinner. Let's practice dancing. It's a very important aspect of high-society gatherings. Got it. Ooh, I'm shaking my heiny! Ooh, I'm shaking my heiny! No. I meant let's practice ballroom dancing. And before you get any ideas, you will not be dancing with me. - Oh. - Here's your partner. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Goodness gracious me, I would be ever so delighted to dance! You're paying me double for this. Mmm. - How's it going, Chyna? - Horrible. Olive is so mad she won't even talk to me! And what's the horrible part? The horrible part is, I hurt my best friend's feelings because I ate that stupid serum that makes me tell the truth. Truth serum, huh? So, are you madly in love with me? No, not at all. Good news, Chyna. Looks like the truth serum wore off. No, it hasn't! Well, I better go before I tell you that I bite my nails. My toenails. Chyna didn't eat any of that salad dressing, did she? Why, what's in it? Oh, Olive Oil, garlic, salt, pepper, anti-truth serum. - Oh, and parsley. - Really? It has parsley? Where did you find parsley? It has anti-truth serum. If you eat it, it makes it impossible to tell the truth. Wait, Chyna was complaining about how she could only tell the truth. Maybe this will solve her problem. Huh! Well, if it isn't Chyna. You know, I would give you the silent treatment, but that would just be punishing myself. Because interesting factoid, I like to talk. Olive, when I said you were boring. I really meant it. What's going on? That's not true. Why did I say that? Wow. You know, it feels like you don't want to be my friend anymore. But I do! More than anything. I don't! Not in the least. Fine! Olive! Don't wait! Get away from me! Chyna! Great news! I just bought all new instruments to make the music program even better. That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard! I didn't think the music program could get any worse, but it just did. I don't understand this! Everything I say is coming out a lie. I'm sorry you feel that way. Do you have any other complaints about my school? Yes! I hate everything about it! Especially you! Well, I don't need some high school student to make me feel bad about myself. I've got all the women in Northern California to do that! And if you hate my school so much, you can leave. You're expelled. What? That's great! I'll call your parents and have them come get you. Please do! I would love that! Olive, I really do not want to talk to you! Perfect. Then we finally agree about something. I know! I can write it down. Olive, I am so, so sorry. "Olive, I am not sorry at all". How can I make her understand? Wait, I know! Olive, I'm not wearing a black and white shirt. - Yeah, you are. - And I hate singing. What? Singing is your favorite thing in the world. I am completely in love with Fletcher. You can't stop lying! What happened? Did you eat some of Dixon's anti-truth salad dressing? No! That's exactly what I didn't do! Why are they doing? Mr. Grundy didn't expel me from school. Don't stop! I want you to pack up all my things! And that guitar is not a collector's item, so please do not be careful with it! Can you believe it? We're about to meet the royal family. And look at us! I'm stunning, like almost Goddess-like! And you You're also here. Thank you. Any minute my dashing Prince is gonna ride in on a White Horse. Ready to sweep me off on his What is that stench? That's me! Is you the Angus Chestnut what done sent me an electronic mail saying we's kin? - Indeed I am, kind gentleman. - Oh! Wait. You're from the royal family of Luxembourg? That's right. I is Joseephus Royal. All the way from the town of Luxembourg, in Swamp Creek County. Angus, What is going on? You said you were related to a King! Uh, he is. My pappy is a King. The Live Bait King! His worms are dirt cheap! I can't believe I wasted all my time teaching you manners to meet this toothless hayseed! I ain't toothless! I got me all kinds of tooths! Shoot, I even got a mole on my back that's got a tooth! You have got to be kidding me! Ugh! Hey, can I come visit the Bait Kingdom sometime? Sure thang! Why don't you hitch a ride on our private air-o-plane? You can be our guest for the grand opening of our 100th store. In Italy, Europe. Wait. You have a private plane? - Mmm. - And 100 stores? Mmm hmm. My golly gracious me, where my manners done gone to? Okay. Call Chyna's father. You know, I make those phones. Mr. Grundy, don't listen to me! I really do not need to talk to you! Chyna, maybe you should let me do the talking. Not because you keep lying, but because as I mentioned earlier, I like to talk. What's going on? Mr. Grundy, Chyna accidentally took some anti-truth serum and now she's lying about everything. That's why she told you she hates it here. - Is this true, Chyna? - Nope. Olive is making all this up. And she's secretly planning to overthrow the government! Come on, there's no such thing as an anti-truth serum. And Olive, overthrowing the government is a highly inappropriate project for your civics class. Oh, no! What are we going to do? I don't have an idea! I am a numbskull! Call Chyna's father. Dixon, it's a long story, but I need some anti-truth salad dressing. Sorry, but I can't give it to you. It's a highly classified top-secret weapon. If our enemies ever got their hands on it, they could use it to destroy our entire way of life! If you don't give it to me, I'll break up with you. Would you like thousand island or balsamic vinaigrette? Why didn't I spring for the protection plan? Mr. Grundy, before you call Chyna's parents and tell them she's expelled, you have to taste this salad. You'll hate it. It's disgusting! No, thank you. Come on. Try the salad. What, are you afraid? No. I'm on a strict no fruits and vegetables diet. Why do you think I'm so Zazow? Uh, that's my line! Plus, you say it like this! Za-zow! Za-zow! You stretch out that last syllable. Ah! Like Za-zow? Mmm! Oh! That's delicious! Give me more! I think it's working. Sir, tell me your name. Zoltan Grundy. Baldy Smellybottom III. And how much do you weigh? Two hundred and thirty-six pounds. Two hundred and thirty-five pounds. What's going on? That doesn't matter, you have an important call to make. Bad point. I almost remembered. Mr. Parks, this is Baldy Smellybottom III. I'm calling to tell you that Chyna is very happy here and has not been expelled from school. You're not welcome. Oh Now I don't get it. So now you believe Chyna took the anti-truth serum? And she can stay? Absolutely not! This is the worst news ever! Listen, I really don't appreciate you helping me. And I'm not sorry I hurt your feelings. Thanks. And I'm sorry too. I told you never to lie to me, and when you told me the truth, I got mad at you. I don't forgive you. You know how much I hate you, right? I love you, too. I can't believe I almost blew my chances with your cousin. How am I supposed to know how to treat people if they don't look rich? How about being nice to everyone, no matter their wealth? You're hilarious! Anyway, I'm ready to learn how to fit in with low society. Okay, first lesson is spitting. Let me see you spit on the floor. I am a lady! A lady does not spit on the floor. Fine. Spit into this can. Thank you. Next lesson, how to bait a hook with worms. You have worms in your pocket? Ugh! Gross! If you think I'm going to dance with you I'm not dancing! The worms found a hole in my pants pocket. Angus, we've got to focus. Now that word's gotten out that your cousin's rich, I'm going to have some serious competition. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. I sure would love to go to Italy, Europe. On your private air-o-plane. La, la, la, la, la, la, la.