Mathlete's Feat

1 (grunts) D'oh! (grunts) (all scream) Oh, my God, Morty, what did you do? You killed the Simpsons, Morty! Oh, my God, no! No, I-I-I-I didn't mean to! Oh, no, no! This is horrible! I killed the Simpsons! God, look at the baby one! Oh, my God, Morty! You killed the entire Simpsons, Morty! They're a beloved (belches) family, Morty! They're-they're-they're-they're a national treasure. And you killed them. I-I-I-I'm just a kid! I'm just a kid! I don't want to go to jail! Relax, Morty, calm down. We'll take care of it. Okay, I want you to take that vial of Simpsons' goo and this picture to this address. They'll make us new Simpsons-- you understand me, Morty? Me?! W-W-What are you gonna do? Morty, I got to clean this place up before somebody comes snooping around. You know how many characters there are in The Simpsons, Morty? There's, like, a billion (belches): chara characters. They did an episode where George Bush was their neighbor. All right, can't argue with that. (spits) (speaking in native tongue) Hi-diddly-ho, neighbor! Looks like you got a spaceship in your Who are you? Rick, I'm back! Wake up! Wake up! Geez, it's about time, Morty. Give me those. (grunting, moaning) Huh, wow. Hey, Morty, a little tip. (belches) Don't clean DNA vials with your spit! Let's go. I'm driving this time. Aw, no more guest animators, man! Okay, children. I think it's safe now to put on your math T-shirts. Wait here. (grunts) Nerd! Model U. N., and step on it! Ha-ha! (laughing) Very good. That is really Oh! Dog in box. Genius. All right, let's meet our two teams of Mathletes, shall we? First, the Springfield Elementary Action Fractions! They rhyme and they (groans) And, uh, from the right side of the tracks, the Waverly Hills Elementary No Equals. They're spoiled and rich. Yo! What did the right angle say to the wider angle? Well, not knowing these fellows, I-I couldn't say. You're obtuse! (all laughing) (groans) Now, let's welcome our celebrity guests, former winners of this very contest and current high-flying-- yes, you heard me-- I said high-flying, high flying-- tech entrepreneurs! Gary, Doug and Benjamin, who invented Whereditgo. That's an app that finds the other apps on your phone. Enables you to glayvin with your friends' mobile hoyvin. One year ago, we were dateless nerds living in our mothers' basements. Now the basement we live in is in a giant mansion. Yeah! Yeah! And we own some kind of sports team. (laughs) All right, calm down, just calm down. Now, here to support these fine student scholars is the man who loves math Math?! I thought you said "meth"! Drug reference! Uh, seriously, what am I here for? Nobody told you? They send a limo, I get in. It takes me somewhere. Then I watch the news later to see what I did. (crowd cheers and applauds) What a nightmare. That's fair enough. Boo-hayvin! The teams have created introductory videos about themselves. Let's watch them, shall we, with our eyes? NARRATOR: Springfield Elementary was originally designed as a storage facility for salt pork. At some later point, it was turned into a school. CHALMERS: Chalmskinn. On hot days, pork grease still comes out of the walls. Oh, quit your whining. FRINK: And now, Waverly Hills. Hi, I'm movie genius Michael Bay. I used to be all like, "Math? Who needs that noise, am I right?" But I wasn't right. The Waverly Hills math team made me realize that quadratic equations are hotter than a million Megan Foxes. Math on! Yo, Waverly Hills! You guys rock! Like my friend The Rock! I know his real first name! It's Dwayne! I win Hollywood! Celebrate now, you stuck-up snobs. (cheering) But our plucky little school is going to surprise you. We will surprise you all! (cheering) Well, Lisa, we didn't score a single point. That was surprising. (crying) Oh, you'll get them next time, honey. No! No, we won't! That school is so rich! Every kid has a laptop! Her crying is sadder than a child actor "Where are they now?" story. LISA: It's true. As graduates of Springfield Elementary, we want to give back. We're going to buy every student a tablet computer and upgrade your entire school with the latest cloud-based technology. Here's a check. Take this check. NARRATOR: The first black president is decades away from being a reality. Come back with my fall semester! We don't need filmstrips like Life in These 48 States anymore, because our school is going all digital! (grunts) GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE: Ow, damn it! The teachers union won't stand for this. It means less work for you. I didn't know it was possible to do less work. How intriguing. He said I've been to the year 3000 Not much has changed Not much has changed But they lived underwater Underwater And your great-great-great granddaughter Is pretty fine Is pretty fine I took a trip to the year 3000 This song had gone multiplatinum Everybody bought our seventh album And if we're ever invaded, just click this. I took a trip to the year 3000 This song had gone multiplatinum Everybody bought our seventh album. Oh, it's wonderful. We can finally afford attractive teachers. (groans) I was the only one here who understood osmosis. Spare me, ug-o. (groans) Willie, since all our books have been digitized, we have no need for the paper versions-- burn these. Wouldn't it be easier just to toss them out? Nonsense! We now have this state-of-the-art digital book burner. Hmm. (laughs) Listen to her hum. What's that?! Well, we didn't want to leave you out of the digital revolution. Willie, meet your new supervisor. Aw, I have to take orders from a machine? Oh, it can't speak. But should it ever learn, yes. ("Star Spangled Banner" playing) (groans) Will there ever be a technology that teaches stupid children how to ding a dang triangle?! This school has spent the last Let us spend the next 50 mired in now! (singsongy): Bo-Ron! And with this ring, we unite these ancient warring clans, who frolic unclothed, even in winter, and bring peace to Decapita! (screams) Pay cable is awesome! Who knew they had nipples in castle times? You're not supposed to be able to get outside our network! You shouldn't have made your password "password. " Well, it was the name of the street I grew up on. Password Drive! (crackling and buzzing) Seymour, you plugged the servers in with surge protectors, didn't you? Oh, yes, power strips. You fool. Surge protectors are always power strips. But not vice versa! Was that us? No, sir. (chuckles) I like it when it's not us. (clock ticking) Let's see. Roman numerals. Photosynthesis. Uh, Robert E. Lee. Miss Hoover, are you teaching or are you just saying anything that comes into your head? Miss Hoover, please report to the main office. You just did that in your hand! Ralph Wiggum, put your head down. You're the mouth-hand! All right, class. We don't have computers and we don't have keyboards. But that doesn't mean we can't practice our typing. Now, put your index fingers on marshmallows F and J, and tap-tap-tap. Tap-tap-tap. Tap-tap Nelson, stop that! This is my dinner. I'm eating steak. Mmm! Mmm! Needs sauce. Great news, children. I found an educational movie I can play on my phone. Crowd in-- it's kind of a little phone. NARRATOR: Mathematics! Agriculture! Are there two more exciting words? Since the time of the Romans, they used scythes to kill each other. The ancient farmer needed tools to measure his land. Ten stick knots right. Five left. Hmm. (humming a tune) (groans) Oh, come to mock ol' Willie, have you? "Ooh, Willie has to work in the hot sun all day. Willie's best friend is a stick and a string. " I'm not here to mock you. "Ooh, Willie doesn't know when someone's being sincere!" I'm just here to hang out. What's that device you're using? My rummlie scob. Nothing exciting. Just a measuring stick dating back to the ancient druids. Oh! Could you tell me how it works? Each knot marks the length of a sheep's bladder. The play field is 75 stomachs by 52 kidneys. That's 163 square haggises. Move over, metric system! I'm learning the gastric system! Clever. Uh, good news, sir, I have assembled a page on "the piglims" at "Rhymouth Pock. " Yes, well, that's the best we can hope for. Uh, apply the transparent tape. Principal Skin-ner! Willie has showed me that losing our technology doesn't have to be the end of our learning. We can turn our school into a Waldorf school. You mean like the hotel? Nope! In elementary school, Waldorf education focuses on hands-on activity and creative play. In secondary education Ah, not our problem. After sixth grade, it's good-bye and good luck. (both chuckling) Yes, yes, it is. Well, it sounds good, but I have one more question. Is it based on the book where you find the guy in the hat? Where's Waldo? That's not even the name. I'm surprised you guys didn't think it was based on the salad. BOTH: There's a Waldorf salad? (groans) Behold-- Waldorf education in action! We're getting our hands dirty and learning by doing. So I have to make but I only have one pound of hamburger meat. How many cubic feet of Styrofoam peanuts should I add? Assuming four peanuts per Joe, Well, you're a smart little fatso. It says here that students don't have to raise their hands. They should just ask every question that comes to their mind. Oh. Why are pine needles pointy? And, um-um-um, what's the difference between an asteroid and a meteor? And, mm ooh-ooh! Can you shrug anything other than your shoulders? (sighs) Does anyone else have any questions? Um, if Mommy's purse didn't belong in the microwave, why did it fit? We won't need computers, we won't need books. I learned not to drink out of the crick. You mean this isn't crick water? My daddy raised me and all my 11 dead siblings on crick water! Huh, everyone wears a hat. Sun hats in the summer, wool hats in the winter. Ooh, look at this. Weekly Friday night parents' meetings. Oh Wait. There might be a safety hatch. Does the apostrophe come before or after the "S" on "parents"? After, which means both parents. (groaning) Well, I'm not wearing a hat. People might think I'm bald. (Homer grunting) Before we share announcements and see the results of grade three's dance study of willows and drooping trees, we greet the day with a school song. Now I have to sing a song?! Why did those idiots mix up power strips and surge protectors? Every single living creature Every cat and every flea All things with a facial feature Have the right to smile at me Every family is a unit Sometimes yelling, sometimes mad Divorced or gay or even foster Even Billy with three dads. I feel like Beethoven when Charles Grodin finally accepted him as his dog. This school is so great now. Kids learn by doing. If it's so great, why aren't you helping your kids do their homework? Bart's here doing it right now. No, no, no! Not two-thirds, one-half! Now that's one-third each. Now you're learning! (laughs) Enjoy. One earthworm Gah! Two halves. ALL: Wow! Willie! Willie! They want you to coach our school math team! I'll have to check with my supervisor. (dings twice) Good to go! So, if Willie gets paid three cents per square foot for seeding, and if the field is 2,500 square feet, what is Willie getting? I'd say "screwed. " (groans) You're right! You! Chalmers! Aah! Uh-oh. (tires screech) Come back here, you Willie-chiseling cheat! (grunting) (tires screeching) (horn honking) Hey, who threw that egg at a most efficient It was me, sir. Kids, meet your new math team captain. It's about time. But I'm the captain. Not anymore. I can't see. I can't see. Welcome to the long-anticipated rematch between Waverly Hills and Springfield. (crowd cheering) (grunting) Um, can you tell me which college I should go to? (stammers) It's not a sorting hat! Please! Early applications are due next week! All right. Uh, Miami of Ohio. (groans) Okay. Our first question is a toss-up. "What is the least common multiple of six, eight and 16?" Is correct! (all gasp) Whoa! No one said there'd be math! We said there'd be nothing but math! And you're the math team captain! I thought I wouldn't have to do anything. You know, like an Italian cruise ship captain. You're lucky that captain's not here right now to answer your insult! He'd crash a ship right into your house! Aah! ("Pi" by Kate Bush playing) Oh, he love, he love, he love He does love his numbers And they run, they run They run him in a great big circle In a circle of infinity ESPN isn't covering this. D'oh! Point one, four One, five, nine Two, six, five, three, five Eight, nine, seven, nine Three, two. And so, with the score knotted at 29-all, it comes down to one last question. Drawing three straight lines, construct nine non-overlapping-- that's non-overlapping, not overlapping, but non-overlapping-- triangles. HOMER: Huh? Ooh. (chuckles) I have the answer! (all gasp) As someone whose dad's hair is made of Ms, it's child's play. Oh, not this again. Whoo-hoo! I'm a solution! The Action Fractions win! You guys might be richer and better looking, but we won a contest to even the series! Mm, that'll look great in our trophy case. Willie, build a trophy case. Aye, sir. But you know what we should really thank for our success? Lower standards! ALL: Lower standards! Aye. You're wonderful, Willie. You and the ancient Scottish scientist that invented the rummlie scob. Well, the truth is, it wasn't invented for science. Really? Then what for? Oh, it was used for hanging sheep stealers! The wee knots kept them alive longer to make the punishment more cruel. (shudders) Maybe I don't want to know these things. Can you say something nice about Scotland? Well, sometimes the fog comes in and covers everything terrible. Very atmospheric. Oh. Shh!