Depth Takes a Holiday

(opening theme song)

(at Jane's house)

SSW Announcer - The world's largest nativity scene... in August? Atlanta mall manager Gifford Jones.

Jones - Nativities mean Christmas, and Christmas means revenue. Don't have to be a wise man to figure that out.

SSW Announcer - The savior went down to Georgia, tonight on Sick, Sad World.

(turns TV off)

Daria - Could they make the holidays any more vulgar?

Jane - I hope so.

Daria - What?

Jane - The more debased they become, the less reason to celebrate them, and the less reason for my family to get together, until presto! I'm finally alone on Thanksgiving with a TV dinner.

Daria - Sometimes I wonder if you're too cynical, even for me.

Jane - Really? You think?

Daria - No. I was being sarcastic.

(walking home)

St. Patrick's Day - Not another step, lassie.

Daria - All right, I'll sign.

Cupid - What?

Daria - Your petition for an alternative lifestyles parade. Where's the pen?

St. Patrick's Day - We need to speak to you, miss.

Cupid - It's cool. We come in peace.

Daria - Who are you?

St. Patrick's Day - Sorry, we can't tell you. We're on a secret mission.

Cupid - For now, let's just say he's the St. Patrick's Day leprechaun and I'm Cupid.

St. Patrick's Day - You idiot, that's who we really are!

Cupid - Dude, you and I know that, but this chick doesn't.

Daria - Well, now that you've spilled the beans and admitted you're crazy, tell me about the secret mission.

St. Patrick's Day - We have reason to believe that Christmas, Halloween and Guy Fawkes Day have left Holiday Island and come here to Lawndale.

Daria - Guy Fawkes Day?

Cupid - English dude.

St. Patrick's Day - The bastard.

Daria - And where is Holiday Island?

Cupid - We're supposed to say "in your heart," but really it's through a dimensional wormhole in back of the Good Time Chinese Restaurant.

Daria - Oh. Christmas, Halloween and Guy Fawkes Day came to Lawndale for Chinese food.

St. Patrick's Day - Of course not, that's just stupid. They came here to start a band.

Cupid - Kind of a hiphop-punk-electronica vibe. They're not bad, but they need a guitar player.

St. Patrick's Day - Shut up! Are you going to help us get them back or not?

Daria - Oh, certainly. You just prove to me that you're really a leprechaun and he's really Cupid, and my winged horse, Pegasus, and I will be at your service.

Cpd - Sounds fair. Here then, smell this. (breathes on Daria)

Daria - Gross! Beer.

Cpd - Green beer. And I don't even drink. It's congenital.

Daria - That doesn't prove anything.

Cupid - My turn. (takes Daria's hand) Now, you should feel relaxed and warm. (in Barry White voice) Everything is cool. Everything is love, baby. And the next word out of your mouth will be that particular someone who makes you feel like Queen Cleopatra.

Daria - Trent? Ooh! (runs away)

St. Patrick's Day - Now she's definitely not going to help us.

Cupid - I know, but it's still a cool trick.

St. Patrick's Day - Maybe to you. And turn off that bleedin' music.

Cupid - Sorry.

(at Daria's house)

(Daria runs in and slams the door)

Helen - Daria, what happened?

Jake - Are you okay?

Daria - Yeah.

Helen - Jake, I'm on it.

Jake - Oh.

Helen - That doesn't mean you can take a break!

Jake - You said you were on it.

St. Patrick's Day - Did she give us up?

Cupid - I can't tell, dude. Her parents are all, like, "blah, blah, blah."

St. Patrick's Day - Then shut them up.

Cupid - Right. Hello, lovers. (shoots love gun)

Helen - How can anyone have so little instinct for parenting?

(Helen and Jake are hit by love bullets)

Cupid - Bull's-eye.

Jake - You're right. It's all my fault. I don't deserve you, Helen.

Helen - Oh, yes, you do, Jakey.

Daria - This is not happening.

Helen - What did she say?

Jake - Never mind that. We're alone! Blissfully...

Helen - Alone.

Quinn - Dad, can I have a... ewww! I need a shower.

(in Daria's room)

Daria - Cool thoughts... a river running to the ocean... far from here...

(Cupid knocks on window)

Cupid - So, you'll help us, right?

Daria - Why not? I'm obviously having some kind of nervous breakdown. I'll just ride it out and see where it takes me, Zelda Fitzgerald-style.

Quinn - Daria, something's wrong with Mom and Dad. Who are you talking to?

Daria - Um, my imaginary friend?

Quinn - Okay, I'll come back.

St. Patrick's Day - The girl mustn't know about us.

Daria - Right, because you can't be seen by other mortals.

St. Patrick's Day - Seeing is okay. It's having to talk to that little twit that'd drive us crazy.

Cupid - Are we done here? You're getting heavy.

St. Patrick's Day - Oh, shut up, you bloody... (Cupid drops him) idiot!

Quinn - What was that?

Daria - My imaginary friend fell down.

Quinn - God, Daria. Even your imaginary friends are embarrassing.

(at Jane's house)

Jane - Well, you lead an interesting life when I'm not around. Have you been drinking some out-of-season nog, perhaps?

Daria - Look, I feel stupid enough as it is. Just don't tell--

Jane - Hey, Trent. Daria was wondering if you've heard of any new hiphop-punk-electronica bands in town. And if so, do they include Christmas, Halloween and Guy Fawkes Day?

Daria - Jane!

Trent - Yeah. They're coming over to jam.

Both - What?

Guy Fawkes Day - Yeah.

Christmas - Yo.

Halloween - Yo.

Jane - Yo.

Daria - Oh, God. You're Christmas, right?

Christmas - I prefer "X."

Halloween - Short for "Xmas."

Daria - I got it.

Trent - You know these guys, Daria?

Daria - Well, I know they're wanted back at Holiday Island.

Christmas - This is why we need closed rehearsals, man.

Halloween - Great. A week in town and we've got our first narc.

Guy Fawkes Day - Bollocks!

Trent - Come on, man, Daria's cool.

Halloween - She doesn't act like she's cool.

Jane - Sure she's cool. Come on, Daria, do something cool.

Daria - Um, anyone for pizza? My treat.

Halloween - This chick is cool.

(at Pizza King)

Christmas - What do you care if we go back to Holiday Island?

Daria - All I care about is that this dream isn't the first sign of a brain tumor.

Trent - What's so bad about Holiday Island, anyway?

Halloween - For one thing, you have to be happy all the time.

Christmas - Have you ever been forced to spread love and joy 24 hours a day?

Daria - I believe on that one I can go with a definite "no."

Guy Fawkes Day - Well, it's like, mmm... bollocks, is what it's like.

Jane - Yeah, bollocks!

St. Patrick's Day - We thought we might find you burnouts here.

Guy Fawkes Day - Shut your gob, you little green--

St. Patrick's Day - Sod off, you British wanker!

Cupid - Soccer riot!

Daria - Hey! I'm sorry, but I can't help you. If they don't want to go back to Holiday Island, I support their choice.

Cupid - But then there'll be no Christmas or Halloween or Guy Fawkes Day.

Jane - No Guy Fawkes Day? (feigns sobbing)

St. Patrick's Day - I'm warning you! This is going to screw up the natural order.

Jane - That's Daria's life mission.

Christmas - Excellent. Then maybe we can crash at your house for a while.

Daria - Oh, no.

Jane - Don't be stupid, Daria. That English one is cute.

(at Daria's house)

(Helen and Jake dancing in living room)

Helen - Oh...

(Jake chuckles)

(Helen and Jake getting frisky in bed)

Helen - (cooing) oh, Jakey-wakie...

Quinn - Ew!

(in Quinn's bedroom)

(split-screen between Quinn and Sandi)

Quinn - And then, as if that weren't bad enough, now they're thinking of having another baby!

Sandi - How do you know?

Quinn - Why else would they be... you know... (shudders)

Sandi - Oh, yeah. That is the worst and cruelest thing they could do to you.

Quinn - It's no fair making a popular person compete with a new baby.

Sandi - Really. They're so cute when they smile at you. "Hello, precious."

Quinn - Sandi!

Sandi - Oh, sorry.

Quinn - I've got to follow them around and make sure it doesn't happen.

Sandi - Well, try not to stay up too late. You know what that does to your skin.

Quinn - Sandi, you're such good friend.

Sandi - I know.

(in Daria's bedroom)

Quinn - Daria, we've got to do something about Mom and... what's going on?

Daria - I've got three fugitive holidays staying in my room. How's your day going?

Quinn - Great. Now who are they really?

Daria - As stupid as it sounds, these are actual holiday spirits on the run from the law.

Quinn - That's the problem with you brains: you think lying is child's play.

Daria - See, Cupid shot Mom and Dad full of love so I'd help him get these guys back to Holiday Island.

Quinn - Are you taking some kind of experimental depression medicine?

Daria - Of course not.

Quinn - Too bad. You'll need it when the new baby arrives.

Daria - Oh, he's not a baby. He's a leprechaun.

(at school)

St. Patrick's Day - That Daria chick is going to screw everything up a lot worse than she thinks.

Cupid - Dude, relax. We'll find somebody else to help us.

St. Patrick's Day - Easy for you to relax. You haven't been oppressed for four centuries.

Cupid - Oh, yeah? Anybody ever make you fly around in a diaper? (in Barry White voice) Just love and be loved and try to cool out.

St. Patrick's Day - Will you stop with the idiotic voice? It doesn't even sound like Elvis. Here, now let me do the talking.

Kevin - So then I said, "Come on, ladies let's kick some butt!" And I think that really motivated the guys. Calling them ladies, I mean.

Brittany - You're so smart, Kevvy. Can I help you?

St. Patrick's Day - 'Tis our fond wish, lassie. You see, some friends of ours have come to Lawndale and we're hoping you can talk them into going home with us.

Kevin - No problem. I can talk anybody into anything.

Brittany - Yeah. He does it to me all the time.

Kevin - We'll just tell them what a cool place Lawndale is.

St. Patrick's Day - No, we want you to do the opposite.

Kevin - (chuckles) the opposite of what?

St. Patrick's Day - We want you to talk them into leaving Lawndale.

Brittany - But they just got here, right?

Kevin - Really. You dudes need to get your story straight.

St. Patrick's Day - We're gonna need the smart chick. And don't tell me to relax.

Cupid - Dude, for once, I agree with you.

(at Sandi's house)

Tiffany - And that concludes the report of the Accessory Committee.

Stacy - Great! Wasn't that great, Quinn? Quinn?

Quinn - (wakes up) Oh!

Sandi - What's wrong, Quinn? You seem uncharacteristically sloppy.

Tiffany - My God, you're not getting a new look, are you?

Quinn - (weakly) Haven't slept... must stay alert... can't allow parents to have baby...

Sandi - Quinn, why don't you get that girl who lives with you to follow your parents around?

Quinn - (weakly) She has holidays staying with her...

Stacy - Holidays?

Quinn - (weakly) Christmas, Halloween and Folks Day...

Sandi - Quinn, honey, I think you need to take a leave of absence from the Fashion Club.

Quinn - (protests weakly) What? No!

Stacy - Really. Get some sleep and come back when you're not so...

Tiffany - Creative.

(in front of Daria's house)

Jane - (whistling) Name that tune.

Daria - "Jane's Theme"?

Jane - Damn you, woman.

Daria - Well, if it isn't the spirit of nagging and his friend.

St. Patrick's Day - How about a little walk? I'm buying.

Jane - You're buying what?

St. Patrick's Day - Oh, we'll figure it out when we get there.

(at the Lawndale Mall)

Daria - Wow, the mall. You holidays sure know how to show a girl a holiday.

St. Patrick's Day - Look closely, lassie. Life as we know it has come to a halt. Check out the unsold Halloween candy.

Daria - Fewer cavities. That's good.

Cupid - See all the toys that kids won't be getting this Christmas?

Jane - Kids are too materialistic anyway.

St. Patrick's Day - Damn it, don't you have any conscience at all?

Daria - Now, what horrible consequence has followed the disappearance of Guy Fawkes Day?

Jane - Well, look at that. (points to out-of-business pie stand)

St. Patrick's Day - You see, Daria, you really had a wonderful life.

Daria - What the hell are you talking about?

(at Daria's house)

Guy Fawkes Day - (channel surfing) Stupid... moronic... uh-uh... utter tripe...

Halloween - (into phone) Shaving cream... uh-huh... yeah...

Jane - Ugh! What's with this fake cobweb stuff?

Halloween - I'm on the phone. And what do you mean, fake?

Jane - Yuck.

Guy Fawkes Day - Have you noticed how completely imbecilic your country is?

Daria - Oh, really?

Jane - He's cute. So why do I want to deck him all the time?

Christmas - Hey, I can't find any sugar-coated cookies. Where's your Christmas spirit?

Daria - I thought I didn't need Christmas spirit anymore.

Christmas - You don't, but I need one of those little cottages all made out of gingerbread.

Daria - I'm afraid we're fresh out of house-shaped food.

Christmas - Figures.

Halloween - (into phone) Hold on. (to Daria) You got a license?

Daria - Learner's permit.

Halloween - You think your dad could drive me and some friends to a rich neighborhood with a lot of trees?

Daria - Uh, I don't know.

Halloween - (into phone) Just get the toilet paper and meet me out front and we'll play it by ear. Oh, and don't forget the eggs. (hangs up)

Daria - What's that about?

Halloween - Aren't you nosy? You really know how to make someone not feel at home.

Daria - Excuse me, but this is my home.

Halloween - Do you own it?

Daria - No.

Halloween - Then it's not really yours, is it?

Christmas - Okay, freeloaders. There's not a baked good in the place, so I guess it's time to go to Trent's and rehearse.

Guy Fawkes Day - Good. Maybe we'll sound decent for once.

Halloween - Shut up!

Guy Fawkes Day - You shut up!

Christmas - Both of you shut up!

(holidays bicker)

Jane - Well, now we know why people only want them to come around once a year.

Daria - Really. Let's just hope we never meet leap year.

Jane - Aren't your parents freaking out?

Daria - My parents aren't quite themselves.

Jake - Hi, kids! Isn't it a great day? Don't you just love it when it's overcast?

Helen - Daria, you've made some new friends! (to Jake) Race you to the bedroom, honey.

Jake - You're on!

Daria - Okay. The mall I don't mind. I can handle sharing space with jerks. But this is the last straw. I think we have to go to Holiday Island.

Jane - I guess so. Let's find those other two guys.

(Daria finds Cupid and St. Patrick's Day bound and gagged in closet)

(at Holiday Island)

Daria - Wow, Holiday Island has a Good Time Chinese Restaurant, too?

St. Patrick's Day - It's a chain.

Jane - Where are all the holidays? This place looks dead.

Cupid - This is just for the tourists, dude.

St. Patrick's Day - Yeah, all the holidays are over there. (points to high school)

Daria - Oh, no.

(at Holiday Island High School)

Jane - This is just like a high school.

Daria - You know, I get the feeling we'll be saying that all our lives.

St. Patrick's Day - It only seems like high school. Actually, it's much worse.

Jane - That's what we'll be saying all our lives.

Daria - Who are all these holidays?

Cupid - Bunch of saint's days. Who can keep track?

Daria - This doesn't seem so bad. What's the problem?

St. Patrick's Day - The problem? Ever since Christmas and Halloween left, the social order has gone totally haywire.

Cupid - They were, like, the two coolest kids in school. They ran the place.

St. Patrick's Day - That's right. Thanksgiving tried to step up, but he's got a lot of screwed-up family problems and always gets depressed by the end of the day.

Daria - So now who's in charge?

St. Patrick's Day - President's Day.

Lincoln - Yo, Arbor Day! Sandals? What'd we say about footwear?

Washington - I cannot tell a lie. You are hatchet city, man.

Arbor Day - Yes, sir.

Lincoln - Hey, Veteran's Day. Take care of this guy. Of the people, by the people...

Washington - For the presidents.

Jane - And they seem so nice in the appliance store ads.

St. Patrick's Day - Uh-oh, here comes Memorial Day.

Memorial Day - You got to help me. Lincoln's going to make me recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Call him off!

Daria - All right, you win. We'll help. I have an idea.

(at Jane's house)

(holidays are fighting)

Trent - Hey, Janey. Daria.

Jane - Hey.

Daria - What's going on?

Trent - Rehearsal.

Jane - Interesting sound. What's really going on?

Trent - Christmas and Guy Fawkes Day are pissed off because Halloween got a job at Coffee Cafe and she doesn't want to share her paycheck.

Daria - Why would she want to share her paycheck?

Trent - Exactly.

Halloween - Get your own job.

Guy Fawkes Day - Pouring coffee is for wankers.

Halloween - Huh? What?

Daria - Okay, everybody. Enough! What would you say if I told you I got you a paying gig?

Guy Fawkes Day - Well, I'd probably say... bollocks! But that's just a natural reflex.

Halloween - Shut up!

Christmas - No, you shut up. Where are we playing?

(Daria unrolls poster)

Guy Fawkes Day - But proms are for tossers!

Daria - Come on. A gig's a gig.

Trent - Whoa, Daria. You really know a lot about music.

(at Daria's house)

Helen - Honey, how long has it been since we took a walk?

Jake - Too long. From now on, let's walk every day.

Quinn - Hi, guys. Where are we going?

Helen - Quinn! Well, your father and I are taking a walk. Just a boring, old walk.

Jake - Yeah, a dumb, old, stupid walk around the neighborhood. Doesn't sound like much fun, does it?

Quinn - Au contraire! Sounds great! Let's go. Just us guys.

Jake - You're not embarrassed to be seen with us? What if one of your fellows comes by?

Quinn - (thinking) Must be strong, Quinn. Be strong. (out loud) Embarrassed? Of course not! Hanging out with your parents is considered cool these days. (thinking) Quinn, you rule.

(Jeffy and Jamie drive up)

Jamie - Hey, Quinn! Uh-oh, keep driving. She must be in trouble.

(Jeffy and Jamie drive away)

(at Holiday Island)

Christmas - I can't believe we let you talk us into coming back.

Halloween - Really. Is any gig worth this?

Jane - Come on, the show must go on or something.

St. Patrick's Day - Finally! Hurry up and get inside. People want to dance.

Guy Fawkes Day - You're the D.J.? That's it! We're boycotting!

Trent - Uh-oh.

St. Patrick's Day - The presidents aren't going to like this. Or maybe they will.

(Washington and Lincoln high-five each other)

Guy Fawkes Day - You mean those colonial wankers are in charge?

Halloween - Not anymore.

(in the Holiday Island High School gym)

St. Patrick's Day - All right, I hope you people are ready to dance because we have with us tonight, all the way from Lawndale, the Holidays!

(applause and cheering)

Washington - Hold on! They said they were too good for us.

Lincoln - Yeah, four score and seven years--

Man #1 - Shut up, we want to dance!

Man #2 - Get off the stage, nimnob!

All - Boo!

Daria - Well, history is just as popular here as it is in Lawndale.

St. Patrick's Day - All right. The Holidays!

(applause)

Guy Fawkes Day - (singing) So I'm a bleeding holiday, there's more to my life than that, I say I got normal dreams, normal desires, want to drive a normal car with normal tires, yeah! I'm a teen holiday and it sucks! I'm a teen holiday and it sucks! I'm a teen holiday and it sucks! I'm a teen holiday and it sucks, yeah! Oh, yeah. (growls into mike)

(after the dance)

Guy Fawkes Day - That was absolutely brilliant!

Christmas - We've got parties booked for the next year! This is awesome!

Trent - Um, I kind of have to get back to my band. We're voting on a new name.

Halloween - But we need you. Come on, man! We're making electronica history.

Jane - Hey, no problem. I found you a replacement. Meet Holiday Island's number-one harpsichord player... acoustic and electric.

Washington - Let's shred!

Christmas - I like it... man, you're in.

Jane - Should I care that none of this makes any sense?

Daria - Nope, this is the best Christmas, Halloween, Valentine's, Saint Patrick's, President's and Guy Fawkes Day ever.

Jane - And we didn't even have to buy a stupid card.

(behind Holiday Island Good Times Chinese Restaurant)

(exchanging goodbyes)

St. Patrick's Day - I thank you kindly. You've saved the holidays.

Daria - All in a day's work.

St. Patrick's Day - And if there's ever anything I can do for you -- when you've reached the legal drinking age, that is -- let me know.

Daria - What about my parents? Can you at least recommend a doctor?

Cupid - No need, dude.

(at Daria's house)

Jake - You know, Quinn. It's been kind of nice having you around so much lately.

Helen - It has been nice. Very nice.

Quinn - Nice?! It's been the most boring, worst time in my entire life! Go ahead and have your stupid baby! I can't take this anymore!

Jake - You're pregnant?!

Helen - Of course not.

Jake - We can't have another kid, Helen!

Helen - Well, I'm not pregnant. And that's not a very nice thing to say, by the way.

(Helen and Jake begin to argue)

Daria - Hey, what's going on?

Quinn - Absolutely nothing, and I am sick of it! I can't continue to live my life like some kind of monk in a nunnery!

Daria - Actually...

Jake - Well, don't blame me!

Helen - Oh, oh, and you want to blame me!

Jake - Get off my back, Helen! Leave me the hell alone!

Daria - God bless us, everyone.

(closing credits)