Do You Want To Know A Secret

Where were you last night? I was at the library with Darien. Again? You guys are practically dating. World's most boring dating, but dating. Yeah, I wish, okay. He hasn't even asked me out yet, and I don't know why because we definitely have chemistry, in fourth period, and in person. - Hey, KC. - Oh, hey, what's up, Darien? So I was wondering if you've seen that new alien movie yet. No, no. I'm not really a huge sci-fi fan. Oh. That's too bad. I heard about this new Argentinean steak place. It's supposed to be great. Yeah, well, I'm gonna have to take your word for it, because I'm a vegetarian. Oh, I forgot. So are there any good vegetarian places you could recommend? I'd love to try one. Of course, I'd hate to eat alone. Yeah, for sure. There's a really good one on Clark Street. They actually have communal tables, so you can meet a lot of interesting people. Uh, okay. So I'll just see you later. All right. He is so cute! Why won't he just ask me out already? He just did. Three times. What do you think the movie and the steak, and the "where can I eat vegetarian not alone" was about? Darien, wait up! I wanna try the steak place. They have salads, right? I keep it undercover. I keep it undercover. - So I'll pick you up Saturday night? - Yeah, yeah. I'm not gonna be picking you up, you know, 'cause you're twice my size. All right, that's cool. Hey, Ernie, how's it going? Me Ernie? Yes, you Ernie. I'm good. Thanks for asking. What just happened? It's contact popularity. When a popular guy like Darien says hi to you, people think that you're more important than you really are. It's like you're cool-adjacent. That's pathetic. I'll take it. All right, Marisa, do not go all crazy, all right, but I have my first official date with Darien this Saturday night. I'm glad you didn't go all crazy. Yes, I'm excited, too, okay, but I'm also very nervous. I've never really been on a real date before. What about when you went to the dance with Lincoln? Mission. What about when you went to the movies with Brett? Mission. What about that guy you made out with at camp? He was not a mission. No, he was imaginary. I made him up. That is too bad. You guys really seemed to click. Hey, Dad, I just wanted to let you know that I have a date Saturday night. Let me guess. With the guy from summer camp? No. It's a real date with a real guy that actually exists. Oh. Okay, well, have fun. That's it? You don't wanna know anything about him or meet him before we go out? KC, the last guy you were interested in tried to kill you. I say anyone is a step up from that. Hi. Is this the Cooper residence? That depends. Who's asking? Oh, sorry. Hi. I'm Abby Martin. I just moved to D. C. from Chicago. That's great. So sorry I didn't pick you up from the airport, probably because I don't know who you are. Right. Of course you don't, because I'm a total stranger showing up at your door. I'm originally from Evanston, I'm a freshman at Howard University, I live at the Wheatley dorm, and what was the other thing? Oh, yeah, I think we might be related. Excuse me. Could you just back that up a little bit? Oh, uh, I'm originally from Evanston Yeah, I meant the related part. Right. Um Here's the thing. My dad passed away recently. I never really knew my mom. So I started researching her, and public records led me to you. Oh, I'm pretty sure I'm not your mother. And not just because you're older than me. Actually, my mom passed away when I was really young. Totally sad, I know. But what can you do? Guess I'm like Little Orphan Annie without all the fun singing and dancing. Anyway uh, I'm actually looking for Kira Cooper. Her maiden name is King? I think she might be my mother's sister. I'm I'm sorry, but I think you might've found the wrong Kira Cooper, 'cause my mom never had a sister. But good luck. Okay. Thanks. Sorry to bother you. It's all good. Oh, hey, Mom. That was really weird. She was saying that you might be her aunt, but I told her that you didn't have a sister. Actually, um we need to talk. I cannot believe that I have an aunt that I never even knew about. How could you keep this from me? - Why didn't you tell me about this? - KC, calm down. I can't believe you have a sister that I never knew about. Why wouldn't you tell me this? Why would you keep this from me? I think we're missing the big picture here. I have a late aunt who may have left me a small fortune. Will you all be quiet and let me explain? Sit down. Kira said her sister was the black sheep of the family. - Judy! - What? You were taking too long, so I accessed the files. This is my story to tell. Let's move it along, shall we? Anyway, my sister Erica and I really never got along. Didn't have that in your files, did you, Judy? Actually, I did, I just didn't think it was my place to bring up your personal business. As I was saying, after Erica learned that my parents and I were part of the Organization, she joined the Other Side. Wait, wait. Your sister joined the Other Side? Yes, and it broke our hearts. My parents got rid of everything that showed she ever existed. They figured it'd be easier that way. But I managed to save a few pictures from when we were kids, 'cause no matter what, she was my sister. Judy, I want you to access my personal computer. - My password is - I already figured out your secret password. SpyMom1? I thought it was ILoveCraig. No, honey, that's your password. Oh, yeah, that's right. Lights off. Pulling up super secret sister pictures. I loved my sister, but she never really fit in with the rest of the family. She just walked to the beat of her own drum. I can relate. And after college, when Erica found out that I was recruited to be a spy like our parents, she really felt left out. I can relate. She was always a little off, doing weird things, acting all strange. And sometimes, it was just embarrassing being in the same family. Oh, look at that. Now I can relate. Erica and I never spoke again after she joined the Other Side. That was almost 20 years ago. It was hard, but sometimes, you just have to know when to let go. Now that she's really gone Mom, Mom, Mom. Hey, on the bright side, we got Abby now. She is a part of the family. We could always reach out to her. Oh, no. Uh-uh. Absolutely not. I got a bad feeling about this whole thing. But we're the only family that she has. KC, enough. I'm shutting this down. Hey, is that a picture of you in a hot tub? With MC Hammer? I'm shutting that down, too. Okay, hypothetical question, right? Let's just say I'm on my date with Darien tonight, and I pass out from nervousness. Now, is it better to faint into my food, or onto the floor? If it were me, I would just faint right into his arms, but that is an advanced move, and you may not be ready for it. Marisa, I'm serious, all right. I really, really like this guy, and I need your help. What if he thinks I'm boring? Boring? Please, you have traveled the world. You've met royalty. You have been in the same room as the president. All things I cannot tell him. Everything that's unique about me is classified. Or gross, like the plantar's wart on my foot. Okay, little hint. Try not to mention your warts to him. Or anyone. Ever. So basically, all I can tell him is I have a great family, I go to school, and I come home to my great family. Then make something up. This date needs to go well. We need this. Why do you care? Thanks to him, I'm popular-adjacent. Since he acknowledged me, I've gotten 13 "Heys," ten "'sups," and I passed a group of people talking about a party, and for the first time in my life, the conversation didn't come to a screeching halt. Marisa, help her! Okay, KC, here's all the dating advice you will ever need. If you can't be interesting, then be interested. Guys love to talk about themselves, so just talk about things he likes. Oh, we'll treat this like a mission. I'll find out everything Darien likes, put together a dossier, and prep you. Okay, guys, come on. This seems a little weird, creepy, and super stalkery. Yeah, welcome to the world of dating. No one goes in cold anymore. Now in case all else fails, you are also gonna need a go-to story. Okay, I know I'm gonna hate myself for asking, but what is a go-to story? It is a story that makes you seem sweet, vulnerable and lovable, preferably featuring a small, helpless animal. Yeah, I don't have one of those. Oh, you can borrow mine. I got it from my friend Angela in Connecticut. Now listen and learn. I was almost seven. I had begged my parents for months to get me a puppy. Then on my birthday, they got me Mr. Doodles. I took him for a walk, but the collar was too big. He got loose, and out of nowhere, a car came barreling down the street This is ridiculous. No one is going to buy this manipulative, ridiculous Poor sweet, vulnerable, lovable Marisa. Go on, I'm listening. Where did you get those pants? These? I've had these for years. I guess I never told you about 'em. Kinda like you never told me about your sister. Hmm. I wonder what else you're not telling me. Fine. I didn't want you to know, but I guess I have no choice. I'm not really your wife. I'm working deep undercover, and my real name is Frank. Don't ask me where them kids came from, because I don't know. Fine. If you're not gonna take me seriously, I have no choice but to go play golf with Stu. Stu? Who's Stu? I have secrets, too, woman. You dragged that brush through your hair 36 times. I didn't think it was gonna get any better after 35, but boy, you proved me wrong. Don't you have someplace to be, like a scrap heap? Oh, look at you. Gorgeous. Okay, remember not to use your phone during the date, except to check if there's spinach in your teeth. And if Marisa gave you any advice, ignore it. And most important Okay, Mom, please. I'm nervous enough as it is. You're gonna give my pit stains pit stains. Can't a mother give her daughter a little dating advice? Is that what Grandma used to do for you? No, but my older sis Never mind. You were gonna say sister, weren't you? Yes, I was. Sister Mary Elizabeth. She was one of my teachers at parochial school. And for a woman who was married to God, she knew a lot about dating. Okay, Mom, I can clearly see that you're hurting about this. Why don't you just reach out to Abby? She's your niece. She deserves to know her family. KC, she is a stranger who showed up at our door. We don't have any proof that she is who she says she is. We don't have any proof that she's not. Okay, well, say she is my niece. If she's anything like her mother, - that girl is no good. - You don't know that. Just because her mom's bad does not mean that she is. It's true. Not everybody turns out like their parents. My mother was a coffee machine. KC, look, I'm done talking about this. Mom, we could just call her No! This conversation is over. I don't want anyone from this family to have any contact whatsoever with that Abby girl. Wow. At least when my mom got that hot, you'd get some coffee out of it. All right, let's review. What's Darien's favorite thing to do on the weekend? - Motocross racing. - Favorite food. His grandma's salmon croquettes. Favorite Harry Potter movie. Trick question. He loves them all. You're ready. Now go out there and make me popular I mean proud. Proud. Change of plans, KC. You have an emergency extraction mission. Okay, Dad, I love you, but I am not squeezing your back pimples ever again. This is Organization business. You can't do this to us! She has a date. I'm this close to being popular. Dad, can't the mission wait until 10:00 or 11:00 tonight? Yeah, I'm sure the agent who's been captured won't mind waiting a few hours. Maybe they'll give him some coconut water and a foot massage. Oh, so we're good. Get in the van. Okay, KC, an agent from the Organization has been captured by the Other Side. Intel shows that they might be holding him in this apartment. Hey, Dad, thermal scan confirms there are two perps in there with our compromised agent. I'm going in. KC, our orders are to wait for back-up. I can't wait. I have a date, and an unreasonably early curfew. - I'm going in. - KC, stand down. I repeat, stand down. Hey, think fast. KC! KC, are you there? KC! Are you there? I'm right here. - KC, you could've been seriously hurt. - But I wasn't. - But you could've been. - But I wasn't. But you could've been. But again, I wasn't. That's not the point. I believe Agent Murphy here would disagree. He also thinks that 10:00 is a little bit early for a curfew, right, Agent Murphy, whose life I just saved? Oh, hey, how'd the mission go? Oh, I would tell you, but it's a secret. Really, Craig? Really? When are you gonna stop all this nonsense? Hey, I'm a man of many secrets. For instance, did you know I can burp the entire alphabet? Wasn't cute on our first date, and it's not gonna be cute now. And if you don't stop acting like a darn fool, you're gonna be sleeping on this couch tonight. Dad, I get that you're upset with Mom, but if you wanna patch things up, can I give you a little advice? Stop worrying about being interesting, and worry more about being interested. What the heck does that mean? I don't know. Marisa came up with it. But I think, in this case, it means stop making a big deal about you, and worry about her. Huh. You know, that actually makes sense. Thank you, son. And if that fails, tell her a story about a dead dog. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. Uh, sorry I'm late. I just, um, had to help my dad with something. Anything interesting? Interesting? No. I am not interesting at all. But I am interested in what you like on the menu. I'm not sure what to get. How about salmon croquettes? Because it's a pizza place and they're not on the menu. Yeah. Sure, that's a good reason. I just love them so much. I thought you were a vegetarian. I am. I am, but I like to pretend to eat salmon croquettes while motocross racing and reading all seven Harry Potter books. I mean, is there a best one? Don't ask me 'cause I love them all. KC, are you randomly mentioning things that I like? Why would you say that? Because you're randomly mentioning things that I like. Please tell me you did not internet-stalk me to prepare for our date. No. Of course not. I would never do that. That is so weird and creepy and very manipulative. I was almost seven. I had begged my parents for months for a puppy, and then, on my birthday, I, um I'm sorry. Here's a little secret for you. The last time this blanket was used, Ernie had the stomach flu and threw up on it. Sweet dreams. Can I tell you a secret? I can be an idiot sometimes. Oh, tell me something I didn't already know. I was upset because I didn't know about your sister, and I acted like a jerk. What I should've done was sit you down, and asked, how you doing, baby? I know this whole thing must be really painful. You okay? Oh, Craig. Now if there's anything else you're hiding, and you wanna get it off your chest Don't ruin it, Craig. Thank you. I had a great time tonight. Did you? Did you really? No. Neither did I. Yeah, I'm sorry. It was horrible, and it was all my fault. And the worst part is I really, really like you, and I just ruined my very first date ever. Okay, wait a minute. This is your very first date? Yes. Now wait another minute. Did you just say you really liked me? Maybe. KC, I like you, too, and I wanna get to know you. Who's the real KC? Um Well, the real me The real me has never had a salmon croquette, and never wants to. I have no interest in motocross racing, and I am way behind in my Harry Potters. I guess the real KC is someone who really, really, really cares about her family. They are, like, the most important thing in the world to me. I couldn't even imagine going through life without You know what, thank you so much for everything, and I really wanna do this again, but I gotta go talk to a family member right now. Thanks for walking me to your door? So how'd it go, buddy? Will we be seeing you again? Oh, hi. Hi. Um, I'm sorry. I didn't get to properly introduce myself before. I'm KC Cooper, and I'm your cousin. Come on in.