Chapter Seventy-Six

1 NARRATOR: All righty, friends. We left Jane and Rafael dating in secret. But they decided it was time to come out of the closet. We should tell our family that we're together. Not going as well? Jane's writing. See, she had gotten a bad book review, and ever since, she had been totally lost. My career is nowhere. I don't have an agent, a publisher, an idea. Also lost? Rafael's real parents. Actually, buddy, I don't know who they are. And, of course, Jane had an opinion. I think you should look for your birth parents. I know. What a mystery. Which reminds me, Petra's lawyer J. R. had been working with a mystery person to make sure Petra went to jail. Only then, she had a change of heart, so she told Petra everything. You planted the screws. No. It must have been the blackmailer. Your mother. I can only assume. And then she promised Petra she'd help her. Oh, and complicating that Petra's sexy dream. So, yeah, straight out of a telenovela, right? Well, imagine this. Jane's father was trying to bring The Passions of Santos to America, but he was having trouble casting a costar, which had left him a little distracted from his new wife. I'm just trying to figure out my life, which you would have noticed if you paid attention. And Xiomara? Well, she said she was going to teach a dance class and then ended up here. I know. OMG, right? So let's see what happens next. It is a truth universally known that everyone's a critic. I don't like that pillow. Especially Jane. It never existed. - RAFAEL: So? - JANE: It's perfect. My family's gonna freak. Oh, they're gonna lose their minds. I mean, Rafael's apartment looks good, but it's not exactly HGTV-worthy. My abuela's head might actually explode. Well, it is a nice picture, but I don't know if it's a head exploder. Perfect. I was thinking that that could be your nightstand. For when you stay over. I don't know how my dad's gonna feel. And my mom is the real wild card. She could go either way. No way. Deep down, I think she's always wanted us to be together. Oh! Doi! They're talking about telling everyone they're dating. Someone's definitely gonna cry. Yeah. You. (LAUGHS) Well, what are we waiting for? Let's see those huge reactions! We have news. We're dating! We're dating! Ugh, Ma, it's not fair! Just because it was today, of all days! That's only because you got to pick your day first, Alba. - Fine, here. Take it. - JANE: Uh, hold on. What is going on? She won the bet When you'd tell us. You guys knew? You were pretty obvious. The whole "pulled muscle" thing? Rafael was just, uh, helping me with, uh, my, um Drawers. I know a sex injury when I see one. Yeah, you do. (LAUGHING) Seriously? Everybody knew? I can't believe this! My heart feels like-like - It's glowing? - Yeah! Exactly! Like it's glowing! (EXHALES) (CHUCKLES, CRIES) Called it. Okay. Well, we have to be careful here. - Petra can be - NARRATOR: Bitchy. Tricky. I felt very much on the outside when you guys were dating, so I just want to be sensitive. (ELEVATOR DINGS) You look surprised. Shocked, actually. This is why you called an important family meeting in the middle of the day? To tell me you're dating? What-what is this, sophomore year of high school? What, did he ask you to prom? Are you aware that I am currently under investigation for murder?! - We wanted to be mindful of our history. - We really weren't thinking. - We're really sorry. - You're together. Whoop-de-freaking-do. What did you want, fireworks? No. Of course not. Okay. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an important meeting with my criminal defense attorney to discuss strategies to keep me out of prison. But many happy returns to the new couple. (DOOR OPENS) Anything? (SIGHS) It's been two days! How have we not heard from them? - Petra, calm down. - You calm down! Someone's trying to frame me for murder! And I'm working on it. By doing what? And do not say - "waiting. " - Waiting. Maybe it's you. Maybe you're still working with them. - I'm not. I mean, you were. - You could be! And what do I really know about you? Petra, stop! Breathe. We're in this together, okay? I'm not working for anyone else. If you go down, I go down. Now, did you make the list? Yes. This is everyone I could think of who might want to see me behind bars. UPBEAT MUSIC Pammy the Parrot? Well, the guy who plays the parrot at the Marbella. I'm often quite short with him. - What's his name? - I don't know his name. I call him Parrot Guy. That's also why he's on the list. Okay. I'll check out Parrot Guy. LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, what a seamless transition. Go write. I'll see you later. And if anything comes from Italy? To remind you, Rafael was searching for his biological mother. - I will wait to open it with you. - Well, maybe not remind you so much as tell you He decided to look for her. You nervous? Because if you want to talk or anything, I can stay and we can take a walk. I know what you're doing. - I am not trying to avoid writing! - You're trying to avoid writing. Okay, a little. But that's because there's nothing to write about! Then sit in front of the computer and stare at it. Go. Ooh! Looks like Jane's actually making progress. Oh! Aw, thank you. No, not yet. Mm Hmm? If you must know I'm writing a response to the critic who gave me a bad review. I was. But then I went on my book page on Amazon You know, to bolster my confidence, remind myself that I'm a published freaking author And they linked that review. So the first thing anyone sees when they go to buy my book is a reason to not buy my book. - Ay, mi amor. - (SCOFFS) And I reread it. And, honestly, this guy just didn't get what I was doing. He said that the main character was cringeworthy at times. NARRATOR: What? How dare he? But that's the point. People aren't perfect. Ever heard of Walt Whitman, sir? "Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes"! I certainly did. And I called him out on his cultural bias. I mean, too much magical realism? - I hate this guy. - Maybe he's never heard of a little author by the name of Gabriel GarcÃ­a MÃ¡rquez. MÃ¡rquez says magical realism runs through our streets. - - Right? See, this guy read it all wrong. I mean, he says "derivative" I say "homage. " And maybe it "fell flat" to him, but maybe it's just his warped white male lens. - Mm! - I know, I know. That would be "over the top. " Which I'm not. I know. You're right. I need to move forward. UPBEAT CYMBAL (EXHALES) ROGELIO: I told her I just want to move forward. Actually, I told her doorman, because River will not see or speak to me. It was ridiculous. I mean, obviously, we got off on the wrong foot. NARRATOR: I'll remind you why that wording is in poor taste. Attack her! (SNARLING, BARKS) (SCREAMING) But now she's just being a nine-toed drama queen. Now the network wants me to write her a letter begging her to do the show? Rogelio de la Vega doesn't beg! Except for my wife's forgiveness. I've been focused on myself again. Old habits die hard. Please, how are you? I want to only hear about you. I'm good. Work's been busy, because I've been covering for another teacher who's sick. Who's sick? Hmm? That you're covering for. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not used to all the questions. Rory. Rory's sick. (PHONE RINGING) Sorry. I have to take this. Also suspicious? (SIGHS) Okay. Now call Petra. (STARTS ENGINE) No! Don't read that review again! CRITIC JANE: Ugh. Derivative and uninspired. That reviewer was 100% right. Only he sugarcoated it. No. This isn't healthy. Choose to ignore. CRITIC: I'm not going anywhere. Here's the truth. An outrageous series of events happened to you, and you exploited it for the sake of a novel, and it sold. But without that, you'd be nowhere. NARRATOR: Like I said, everyone's a critic. Admit it, Jane. You're a fraud. LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Especially Jane. (DOOR CLOSES) Yes! Just the person I need to see! How does this sound? Okay. "Dear River, I'm begging you, "don't miss out on the greatest opportunity of your career "just because I accidentally got you attacked by a wolf. "To do so would be a huge mistake in a career littered with mistakes" What? What are you doing?! Why are you deleting it?! Because you're gonna have to be, like, a hundred times more humble. Where's Mom? Ah, yes, my wife, International Woman of Mystery. She's not here. Early shift. Again. Why are you saying it like that? Because your mom has been distant and secretive lately. Dad? Hmm? Don't let your telenovela instincts get the better of you. You're probably right. I just miss her. Well, then why don't you do something special, just the two of you? - Yes? - Mm-hmm. That's a wonderful idea! I will go all out! A Xogelio Extravaganza! Again, check your telenovela instincts. Small and intimate works, too. Yes, yes, yes, you're right. Smart advice from my brilliant daughter. Let me return the favor. What did you need from your mom? - How can I help? - (SIGHS) It's nothing. I just wanted to vent because I'm blocked. Need a laxative? Poo Nami? With my writing. Writer's block. Because I can't get my bad review out of my head. SUSPENS MUSIC I'm going to show you something. Something no one has ever seen before. Open it. It's my Failure Folder. The bleakest, most soul-crushing reviews of my career. SOLO TRUMPET Geez, Dad, these are harsh. Yes. And had I let them get into my head, I would have never become the successful, prolific actor standing before you. - How did you do it? - I re-branded them. This is no longer my Failure Folder. It is my Motivation Folder. All these harsh words from bitter, mean critics? They're nothing but fuel, urging me to overcome, show them all. Well, that's good advice, Dad, but it's a little different for me because I know. I'm a star, but normal people can be resilient, too. No, but I'm literally stuck. I can't write. - Just get the critic out of your head! - No, but I'm hearing a lot of "no buts. " I want to hear more "yes, and. " - Yes, and. It's perfect! - Huh? "Yes, and" is the first rule of improv. That's the cure for your writer's block. Take an improv class! I'm a genius. NARRATOR: There's that lack of confidence again. What does improv have to do with writing? It's a way to get your creative juices flowing without worrying about your actual writing. It'll force you to stop self-censoring, to dive in and commit to new ideas. - I'm not an actor, Dad. - Who cares? It's just to help you to think on your feet. - Reclaim your creative self. - CRITIC JANE: Yeah. Your derivative, uninspired self. Come on, Jane. You can't. You know what? Yes, I'll sign up. Yes! CRITIC JANE: Onstage failure. Huh. What a dramatic twist. LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us here, now. - Petra?! - I knew I couldn't trust you. (SIGHING) I'm being followed. I think it's the blackmailer. I'm gonna kiss you again, and then we're gonna get back in the car. Who's following you? I don't know. Someone's been tailing me all day. Do you know anyone with a late model olive green sedan? Ew. No. What the hell were you doing here anyway? I was supposed to meet with the blackmailers. No, you weren't. I planted that burner phone, I sent those texts. What? To see if you'd actually reach out to me if you heard from them, which you didn't. Only because I'm being followed! And you've been so strung out! I don't want to risk you messing anything up. They're still watching. I know that. Now what? I'll tell them you were getting suspicious, so I had to seduce you. (PHONE CHIMES) - Must be my cell. - NARRATOR: Too many phones. We have to go. It's my mom. It's a marriage record. My mom's. NARRATOR: Ah, this must be the letter - they were expecting from Italy. - What does it say? She married someone named Angello Amalberti. So maybe her name is Camilla Amalberti now? Should we look her up? - If you're not ready - Uh, I am. Let's do it. (SIGHS) (HEART BEATING LOUDLY) (KEYBOARD CLICKING RAPIDLY) Here's a match. She looks the right age. Let's me see if I can find out where she's from. Oh, my God. Rafael, I think this is her. Wow. That's my mom. I can't believe that's really her. She looks kind, doesn't she? She really does. RAFAEL: And you can see a little family resemblance? - RAFAEL: Maybe? - JANE: Definitely. What do you want to do? - Uh, write her. - Oh. And now before I lose my nerve. (SIGHS HEAVILY) J. R.
 * Mom? WOMAN: We gave her a sedative.

She was disoriented, very upset. Are you okay? I don't know if it was the right thing, putting her here. (PHONE CHIMES) Is that? Yes, it's them. Okay, what now? Oh, I text them back our cover story. You were suspicious, I seduced you so I can get closer to you and force you to incriminate yourself. You think they'll believe that? - What? - That I was seduced. I wouldn't worry. You were pretty into that kiss. What?! No, I wasn't. Text them back, make it convincing. ROGELIO: Don't be nervous. Getting out of your comfort zone is what improv is all about. And remember, Jane, you have highly-gifted actor's blood coursing through your veins! - Thanks, Dad. - ROGELIO: No, thank you for the advice. I'm on my way to surprise your mother with a night of romance. You didn't go too big, did you? NARRATOR: Well She will love it. Good luck at improv, and remember, "yes, and"! Got it. On it. (SIGHS) Hello, good sir. I'm here to wait for the enchanting Xiomara de la Vega. Xo isn't working today. - Are you sure? - Yup. Hasn't been in all week. Oh. Okay. Thanks. (BEEPING) MAN: Establish a location. That's rule number three of improv. Rule number two Add new information. And rule number one? Yes, and. Exactly, which means accept what is given to you and add on to it. - Get it? - Got it. Good. Now let's get you up on your feet. - Oh, no. - You mean, "Oh, yes. " Sorry. Oh, yes! And here I go. Great. Mark, join her. (CLEARS THROAT) Class, what is he holding? A microphone. Hello, New York. Bob Edgars here with Mrs. Phyllis Runkle. Mrs. Runkle, I understand that you were the sole eyewitness to the theft of the Statue of Liberty late last night? Just say whatever pops into your head. CRITIC JANE: Except that. Don't say that. Did the thieves - steal anything else? - NARRATOR: Her voice, apparently. Come on, Jane. Remember the rules of improv. Yes, and Don't be derivative, Jane. I can't bear it. Nope. Don't say that. It's painfully prosaic. Did you catch a glimpse of their faces? Yes. I saw the thieves, and they took the Statue of Liberty and my virginity. By force. And it was scary, and ROGELIO: Stop. This is the house. Take your hands off my wife, you thieving, toned bastard. I will rip you limb from limb! NARRATOR: So much for not letting his telenovela instincts get the better of him. - Rogelio! Stop! - No! I know about the affair. Affair? Brad's my dance partner. We entered a competition. You expect me to believe that? - Yes. - Hey! Get your hands off my boyfriend. So-so, he-he-he really is My dance partner. Yes. I can't believe you thought I'd cheat on you. I'm sorry. I-I think that being home all day has made me a little crazy. But why did you lie? I was embarrassed. It's just a little dance contest. I mean, compared to what you do. This isn't about me. I guess I'm just feeling a little lost, and I wanted to have fun and rediscover my love of dancing. So let me support that. I promise, Xiomara, I will not make it all about me. ROGELIO (RECORDING): Xiomara Not now, driver! (MUSIC STOPS) JANE: No. Improv is not for me. I totally bombed. No way I'm going back there. What? You can't quit, it's only been a day. I can and I am. Would you let me quit? Okay, shut up. I'll start my homework. Bright side? You love homework. What are you doing? My homework. This week I'm supposed to observe the people around me and really notice their gestures and quirks and then use them to write up a character. Okay. So, uh, what else are you observing about me? You want to stop talking and just have sex. Nice work. I think your homework is pretty much done for the night. (JANE GIGGLES) Mmm. Okay. Now you're about to get sappy. I just feel so Happy here. With you, in this apartment that still smells like hot dogs. And I can't even believe I am saying that, but it's true. It just feels right. What? CRITIC JANE: Don't say it, Jane. Censor yourself. Bite your tongue. Nothing. - I'm happy, too. - NARRATOR: Also biting his tongue (XIOMARA GROANS) I Let's try from that last eight count. Five, six, seven, eight. Ah. Ah. Ah. Did you want to say something? Only that you two dance beautifully together. It's enchanting. One more time? Uh, yes. And we're pushing off with the left leg. Right. ROGELIO: Lovely. Wonderful. Keep it up. Amazing. Brilliant. Coming from a totally casual observer. LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, another casual observer. PETRA: Jane? Why are you limping? Did you hurt yourself again? Oh. No, no. Just getting back into the swing of waitressing. (PHONE CHIMES) Thanks for letting me pick up shifts. (GIGGLES) Did you just giggle? No. (CLEARS THROAT) I do not giggle. You did. You giggled, and you're blushing Who was that? No one. And I'm not. Oh, my God. You have a crush. Did someone just ask you to the prom? No. I do not have a crush, and no one's going to prom. (MIMICS PETRA) And I do not giggle. I have never giggled a day in my life. Giggling is for peasants. Are you Shrek? No. I'm being Auntie Petra. - Mm-mm. - Mmm. Yeah. I think the, uh, accent was a little confusing. Mmm. NARRATOR: Like I said, everyone's a critic. Okay, what if I do my dad? He's quirky. And definitely a larger than life personality. - NARRATOR: True dat. - Beautiful. Yes. Incredible. I only hope the camera can capture your magnificence. Water break? Lemon or no lemon? - Oh, uh, lemon. - Oh, my God, no. No lemon? Would you like a Gatorade? You need to make sure to replenish your electrolytes. I also cut up some orange slices, - if you would like - No! I don't want any of it. Just stop it. Enough. I'll just, um, gonna use the restroom. (SIGHS) What's going on? Stop what? Everything. You. But I'm not making this about myself at all. - I'm all about you. - Exactly. That's the problem. You're suffocating me. - What? - It's true. You used to go to work every day, so I had alone time, and I need that, because, well, you're such a big personality, and being around you all day, every day is exhausting. But I love being around you all day, every day. That's because I'm not exhausting. Well, I'm sorry. I didn't realize how much of my personality was problematic. (SIGHS) JANE: Well that wasn't funny either. What am I gonna do in class? Well it's improv, right? Can't you just wing it? No, we have to write them up. And I took this class to get away from writing. It's not a novel. It doesn't matter what it is. I have this critic in my head, judging and second-guessing. It's crippling. LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And, friends, from experience, that's true. You can't make progress if you're constantly second-guessing yourself. What's with this critic? Honestly, it-it happens to me sometimes. I think it's the pressure of telling such - a fast-paced story. - Talk to me. I just Like, should I tell you what Jane was really feeling here, or not? I will. - I just - Actually, no. I'll save it for later. Let's go back. I didn't realize how much of my personality was problematic. LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: See? Frustrating, right? NARRATOR: You'll recall we left Jane, mired in Self doubt. Every idea I have, there's this voice that won't go away. What voice? Me. My inner critic. And I can't seem to shut her up. Why would you want to shut her up? No, I listen to that voice all the time. She's got some valid points. - Ha. - I'm not kidding. But if I listen to her, then that means I have to accept that that review was right. I shouldn't be a writer. But that's-that's not what the review said. Okay, that I'm "derivative and uninspired. " No, at times "your manufactured coincidences were derivative and uninspired. " I read the review a couple times, too. Well, clearly, he doesn't think I'm a good writer. Then why did he say there was "promise unfulfilled"? That means you have promise. And the rest was all just constructive criticism. So maybe you shouldn't be trying to banish this critic, you should be trying to see what he said as productive. LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And so, friends, Jane tried. Don't forget, the reviewer said you used too many adjectives before. Yes, and this time I'm going to pare it down. And he said you shouldn't be too removed from your subject. Yes. And this time, I'm drawing straight from my real life. Hmm. I should go. We don't want to overdo the magical realism. (PHONE CHIMES) - Hey, Dad. - Have you heard from your mom? - No. Is everything okay? - I mean, not really. She said some pretty awful things and I made her lemon water and orange slices, and I bit my tongue so hard that Dad, slow down. What did mom say? Horrific things, Jane. Things I will spend my life trying to unhear. Okay. Stop. Instead of locking those things away in a fake book with a key that leads to an armoire, just try to consider what she said, because I decided to "yes, and" my critic, and i-it actually helped me. Perfect. Great advice. Talk soon. See? I actually think she has a point. Who are you? I am your inner critic and I'm finally out, baby! I've been waiting 44 years to be set free, and, boy, have I got some things To say! - Okay, only 41 years. - No! You're 44, you delusional half-wit. You ever hear the theory about famous people? They stop maturing the moment they become famous, and you booked our first national commercial when you were nine. Bam! Freeze it right there, you whiny little thumb-sucking man-child. - Are you done? - (SHOUTING) No! Your pompous, shallow, materialistic, loud, obnoxious, selfish, - irresponsible - Okay, okay. Stop it. I can't take it anymore. You're too much. Exactly. And I am you. So maybe now you know how your wife feels. (SNAPS FINGERS) (DOOR CLOSES) (SIGHS) I'm so glad you came home. I was too harsh with you, and I feel terrible. I'm so sorry. No. I'm the one who's sorry. A-And I came back to apologize. You were right. I am a lot. Sometimes even for myself. I know you mean well. That doesn't mean it's not true. Look, I'm still adjusting. We've just never actually spent this much time together before. I know. It feels like we should have, right? Since we've known each other for so long. Yeah. But really, we're still newlyweds, and it takes time to figure this all out. And we will. One step at a time. Just like dancing. Just like dancing. ("ERES TU" BY CARLA MORRISON PLAYING) I know I'm no Brad, but may I have this dance? NARRATOR: And in that moment, friends, Xiomara found exactly what she was looking for: her love of dance. (LAUGHING) You're sure? Yes. Milos is still in jail, so it can't be him. Well, it's always nice to cross an international arms dealer off the list of people who are after you. (LAUGHS) What? I-I thought I had a crazy life, - but yours - You don't know the half of it. So, do you need to stay over or anything? To sell the highly improbable lie that I'm interested in you? Which we need them to believe. I think the tongue you slipped me during our kiss was pretty compelling. NARRATOR (LAUGHS): Oh, snap! What? That was a reflex. I could tell you had a plan I just didn't want to undermine whatever it was. Good. Because I'm not into being a straight woman's guinea pig. What makes you think I haven't been with a woman? Have you? Yes. Several. I'm also your lawyer. That wouldn't be the first line you've crossed. (EXHALES) Oh, my. I'm not the blackmailer, but, whew, I am definitely buying this is real. So (CLEARS THROAT) I enjoyed last night. (CHUCKLES) That was one way to get me to relax. - (LAUGHS) - J. R.
 * Yeah, it was fun.

So, I just want to be honest. (SIGHS) I've actually never been with a woman before. (SIGHS): Yeah. I have to be honest, too. I knew that already. (GROANS SOFTLY) I have to visit my mom. I'll see you later. Great. Yeah, no, I'm in a hurry, too. I have to get, uh, to the lounge. Prep for an event. Nobody seems to work hard enough unless I'm breathing down their necks. (KNOCKING) Breakfast for two. IMPROV TEACHER: You might have gone a little overboard. An eight-page bio on a character called "The Critic"? Just started flowing. Well, all right. Could we get a suggestion for The Critic to review? Sushi! With a mediocre seaweed and uninspired soy sauce, it reeks of promise unfulfilled. In short, this fish stinks like dead fish. (COUGHS, CRICKET CHIRPING) CRITIC JANE (CLAPPING): Oh, that is so me. You nailed it! (LAUGHS) Ah. Are there Oscars for improv performances? Because I think the Academy needs to consider this! Critic Jane definitely isn't winning any awards. But you know what? It made me realize I should go back to a writing class. The structure, having assignments that works for me. And I really need that right now. Mm-hmm. I like that idea. Right? And look. Check plus! (GASPS) This is going on the fridge. (WHOOPS) Or in your drawer? There. See? Every time I bring it up, you do that. - What? - Look away. Look, I'm not trying to get you to move in with me. I just want you to feel at home. I do feel at home. Then what's the problem? Uh, the problem is Just say it. The problem is everything feels exactly right. Just like you said. It feels like things are falling into place, and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. And because of our history, with Michael I don't want him to feel like just a step on my path back to you. I don't want this to negate what we had, you know? I don't think it does. I think it's more "yes, and. " Yes, you and Michael had a beautiful love story. And I hope that we can now have our own. Oh. Mmm. Mmm. Wow. I have no notes. That was perfect. (PHONE RINGING) Oh. - My dad. - Of course. Hi, Dad. What, now? (WHIMPERS) (SNIFFLES) Ooh. Ah. What is it? I just got an e-mail. Camilla's not my mother. What? Turns out she was just a nurse in the hospital where I was born. The go-between for the hospital and the convent's orphanage. My mom was scared about what would happen if her family found out, so Camilla put her name on my birth certificate. Does she know your mom's name? I am so sorry. Just hard preparing yourself, being ready, letting yourself hope. I know, but this is just a setback, right? You can call the orphanage. Closed a long time ago. The convent then. There must be records. LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: True. This is a telenovela after all. Why did my mother have a note pinned on her sweater? - On her sweater?! - Yes. Just pinned to her like a frickin' sales tag. She said it was an electrician? - We didn't call an electrician. - Then who was in my mother's room? Who left this note? And telenovelas, of course, have twists and turns. (LATIN DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) They're killing it. (XIOMARA GROANING, PEOPLE GASPING) (PANTING, SOFTLY GROANING) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: They have ups and downs. Uh, thanks for returning my call, Sister Mary. I was looking for, uh, records from the orphanage? They were sold? So-Sold to who? You're absolutely sure? Luisa Alver? And they have gut punches that come out of nowhere. (LAUGHTER) Oh, stop it, you guys. It hurts when I laugh. Oh. (LAUGHS) And don't you dare call the judges. Why? You should have won, even with the fall. Okay, wait. An apple juice box toast to your critically-acclaimed wipe-out, huh? Salud. Ah. Shh, shh, shh, shh. JANE: Oh, sorry. - We're just having a little fun. - Of course. It's good that you came in. You have a broken rib. - Is that serious? - No. Just avoid excessive exertion. It should heal up by itself. Got it. So, can we get out of here? Actually, there's something else. Could we talk in private? Well, this is my family. They can stay. What is it? We took an X-ray of your chest to check the rib, and we found something else. A lump in your breast. LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Like I said from out of nowhere.