Diary of a Wimpy Kid

RODRICK: (WHISPERING) Greg? GREG: (GROGGILY) Mmm. - (IN SINGSONG) Greg? - What? - Greg! - Huh? What? What are you doing? Get up! Mom and Dad have been calling you for an hour. You're about to be late for your first day of middle school. What? Oh, geez! How did that happen? Go, go, go! Mom's about to flip out! She sent me to get you while she waits in the car! (EXCLAIMS) What are you doing? What's going on? Getting ready for... (HOOTING) ...school. Are you insane? School doesn't start till next week. And, FYI, school doesn't start at 4:00 in the morning! You woke up Manny. And if he doesn't go back down... Good morning! There is no way he is going back down. I just wanted to sleep till 6:00. - Bubby! - FRANK: Go to bed. I got him. Greg, what are you doing up making all this noise? It was Rodrick! He woke me up! He changed my clock! (SNORING) - But I swear, he was just... - Go to bed. What is that smell? I can't even identify it. Bubby! (GRUNTS) (GIGGLING) KIDS: Happy Birthday! Here, Bubby. GREG: Wow! Look at the size of that flamethrower! Okay, first of all, let me get something straight. This is a journal, not a diary. Yeah, I know what it says on the cover. But when my mom went out to buy this thing, I specifically told her not to buy one that said "diary" on it. This just proves Mom doesn't understand anything about kids my age. - GREG: Huh? - Sissy! The only reason I agreed to write in this thing is because when I'm rich and famous I'll have better things to do than answer people's stupid questions all day long. Gregory, tell us about your childhood! Were you always so smart and handsome? Here's my journal. Now, shoo, shoo. SUSAN: That's our boy up there. Why did I ever say no to him? Mom got me this thing so I could write down my feelings about starting middle school. But I'm gonna be fine. It's my best friend, Rowley Jefferson, I'm worried about. He's definitely not middle school ready. Geronimo! (WHOOPS) He's not quite clear on the concept of growing up. I want a puppy, a kitty, a gumball machine... But anyway, this is about me, not Rowley. I always figured they'd make a movie about my life. But I didn't think they'd start the story here. Because, seriously, who wants to see a movie about a kid who's stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons? (ALARM BUZZING) (GROANS) (RODRICK EXCLAIMING) Three days, no shower. Smell the love! Let me go, Rodrick! (GROANS) Come on. We're just having some fun, right? No, okay. So, look. Mom asked me to give you some advice about middle school. It's real simple. Don't talk to anyone. Don't look at anyone. Don't go anywhere. Don't sit down. Don't raise your hand. Don't go to the bathroom. Don't get noticed. Don't choose the wrong locker. Don't... Who am I kidding? You'll be dead or homeschooled by the end of the year, anyway. And don't be seen with Rowley. (EXCLAIMING) Manny, stop it! Mom! RODRICK: Thanks for the eggs, Mom. - Frank? - Greg? I think it's gross and undignified that I have to eat breakfast next to him on the potty. Okay, well, it's your fault he's still potty training. Don't look down, Manny. The potty monster doesn't like it when you look at him. (SCREAMS) I was just joking with him. Okay. Kiss him you're sorry and then let's get a move on. Can't be late for your first day of school. (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) GREG: Let me just say for the record that I think middle school may be the dumbest idea ever invented. You got kids like me who haven't hit their growth spurt yet mixed in with gorillas who have to shave twice a day. There's juvenile delinquents and weirdos. I'm smaller than about 95% of the kids at my school... CHIRAG: Give it back! Stop! ...so thank God for Chirag Gupta. - It's mine! Stop! - Can I have the backpack? - You got to jump higher. - CHIRAG: It's not yours! He's an excellent buffer between me and these morons. Hey, Greg. Hey, fella! Seriously, I don't know what happened to these kids over the summer. Was there a nuclear accident? Science experiment gone bad? Thank God there are a few normal people or this place would be a total freak show. If you're as discriminating as I am, it can be tough to figure out where to sit on your first day of middle school. One bad move and you're stuck next to some idiot for the rest of the year. (SNIFFLING) ROWLEY: Greg! Remember how I said Rowley wasn't middle school ready? Well, there you go. (SPEAKING SPANISH) What are you wearing? My family just got back from Guatemala! It's my serape! Nice, huh? All right, class, I'm Mrs. Flint. Everybody take your seats! (GROANS) Welcome to your first day of middle school. Remember your seats. You'll be sitting here every day. Rowley, if you had to say where you were ranked in terms of popularity from one to 200, where would you put yourself? Is 200 good or bad? I'd say you're somewhere around the 154 mark. I'd put myself around number 19 or 20. I might even have a shot at the top spot by the end of the year, if things go the way I think they will. Well, who's at the bottom? Hey, guys, wanna see my secret freckle? (BOTH GROAN) GREG: Fregley. Sent home for hygiene issues at least once a month. Check it out. It's got a hair in it! What color is that? You wanna help me name it? All right, ladies! Gather around! Come on, put the knitting down! Let's go! All right, everybody. I'm Coach Malone and I am your gym teacher. P.E. Is as much a part of my life as waking up in the morning and going to the bathroom. I live and breathe Physical Education. Now, who's with me? Are you ready to have some fun out there? Yeah! MALONE: All right, outstanding! So we're gonna divide you up into two teams. So you two, over here. You, you, you, this way. Yeah, you three, this side. Good. You guys are going to be Shirts! And you will be Skins. Why are we Skins? I hate this. He's just trying to make kids like us feel bad. What do you mean, kids like us? I just don't want to get a sunburn, right, Rowley? (IN ROBOTIC VOICE) My name is Bell E. Button. What's yours? Okay, let's start off with a little game I like to call Gladiator. (BOYS EXCLAIMING) - BO Y 1: I got this one! - BO Y 2: No! BO Y 3: Take that! (GRUNTS) (NEVER MISS A BEA TPLAYING) Cover me! Oh, God. Not good! We're never going to be able to outrun these guys! We don't have to outrun them! We just have to outrun Chirag! Take a look, take a look, take a look At the kids on the street No, they never miss a beat Never miss a beat Never miss a beat Never miss a beat Never miss a beat - Think they saw us? - No way. They were focused on getting that kid with the limp. We'll hide here for the rest of the class because I'm not playing that game. It's not fair. He's got all the Neanderthals on the same team. It's barbaric! ANGIE: It's completely barbaric. This place is an intellectual wasteland. But, you know, it's nice to meet someone more interested in his mind than in his body. You girls get to jump rope. What are you doing hiding? Avoiding the pain. It all starts in middle school, you know? You're not a kid anymore. The coddling has stopped. Kids are now separated by intelligence. The weak are picked on. And girls you've known since kindergarten won't even talk to you anymore. Okay, well, sounds like you got it all figured out, so go back to your book. This place is a glorified holding pen. MALONE: All the way! All the way! You're like a machine! ANGIE: It's where adults put you as you make that awkward transition between child and teenager so they don't even have to look at you. Hi. I'm Angie. Great story. We're gonna go now. Why? This is a good spot. It's a perfect spot. I survived all of the sixth grade here. And I would enjoy some like-minded company to get me through the seventh. Is that the whistle? I think I hear the whistle. We need to go. MALONE: No showboating, all right? Why are we leaving? We could get killed out here in the open! Put your shirt on. They'll think we're on their team. Besides, getting crushed is better than being seen with that freak job. Trust me, you can't recover from social suicide. I never talked to a girl that long before. Whoa! Check that out. Is that cheese? Stop! Good God, man! You almost got the Cheese Touch. - The what? - The Cheese Touch. Nobody knows when or how, but one day that cheese mysteriously appeared on the blacktop. Nobody knew who it belonged to. Nobody touched it. Nobody threw it away. And so there it sat, growing more foul and powerful by the day. Then one day, a kid named Darren Walsh made the biggest mistake of his life. Darren touched the cheese! No, I didn't! I just looked at it! Really! CHIRAG: Darren had the Cheese Touch! It was worse than nuclear cooties. He became an outcast. (CRYING) The only way to get rid of the Cheese Touch was by passing it on to someone else. (SCREAMS) And so began the Cheese Touch Frenzy. Friend turning on friend. Brother turning on sister. It was madness. Until a German exchange student named Dieter Muller took it away. Dieter has the Cheese Touch! Ze Cheese Touch? Vat is it? Vat does it mean, ze Cheese Touch?? Sadly for Dieter, that fact was lost in translation. Nooooooooooooooo...! Thankfully, he moved back to Dsseldorf and took the Cheese Touch with him. And so the cheese sits, patiently waiting for its next victim. - Wow. - Wow. This is a terrible place. - No doors? - None. I'm not pooping until I'm in high school. GREG: The cafeteria, possibly the cruellest place on Earth. But I was about to make some kid's day by sitting next to him. That seat's saved. For who? It's saved. That one's saved, too. So not happening. Uh-uh-uh. Taken. Where are we supposed to eat? I guess this is where all the cool guys hang out. (SNEEZES) Fregley must have bumped his head when he was little, like, really hard. (BURPS) Okay, okay, so my first day could have gone better, but at least I wasn't humiliated. Hey, Greg! You want to come over and play? (KIDS LAUGHING) What did he just say to you? Oh. I think my ride's here. Hey, guys. So this guy says to that guy, "You wanna come over and play?" Yeah! Do you guys wanna play with us? (BO YS LAUGHING) See? This is the problem. Right now I have to take abuse from these morons. But in 20 years, Quentin here will be working for me. Greg, please don't fire me. I really need my measly, pathetic job scooping your dog's poop. Whatever. I'll think about it. No, no, no. Vanilla on the bottom and chocolate on the top! I can't eat this! "Play," Rowley? "Play"? I've told you, like, a billion times that guys our age say "hang out," not "play." Oops. Seriously, if you're not gonna listen to me, just tell me, 'cause if you pull another stunt like that, we'll be stuck on the cafeteria floor for the rest of middle school. I found half a Snickers bar down there. I can't be the guy who eats off his lap in the cafeteria. I should be at the top of the food chain by now. Something's got to change, fast. My mom told me to just be myself and people would like me. That would be good advice if you were somebody else. (LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, little brother. Was your first day as crappy as I said it would be? No. Not at all. You were wrong. - It was actually better than I... - Worse. (CHUCKLES) You didn't listen to me, did you? I told you not to talk, look or go anywhere, and what happened? He had to eat his lunch on the floor. - Rowley. - (LAUGHING) Perfect. And if nobody wants you sitting at their table, you think they want Chummy Buttons over here? I was right. You're not even gonna make it out of there alive. The only chance you have of making the yearbook is when they dedicate it to your memory. So you wanna play Twisted Wizard? No. I have a better idea. If he catches you in here, he will kill you. Literally, kill you. Don't worry. As long as we hear the music, we're okay. (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) Whoa. Yeah. Wow. I didn't know Rodrick was into motorcycles. - I found it. - Found what? Rodrick's middle school yearbook. This thing holds all the answers. Rowley, this thing is like a bible. See this? This is where a person like me needs to be. The class favorites. They're the best in their class. These people aren't nobodies. They're famous. They don't have to worry about getting a seat in the cafeteria, either. Check this out. There's tons of things I qualify for. "Most Likely To Succeed," "Best Looking," "Class Clown." They should just give that to me right now. Don't you have to be funny for that? Hey! We could try for cutest friends! What did I tell you would happen if you ever went in my room again? But your band is still playing. It's the bass solo, Turd Burglar! Don't you know anything about music? Now, I came up here to get a new drumstick, and now, Greg, since Mom and Dad are gone, I'm going to kill you. Literally, kill you! I told you. Beat it. Okay, but I just want to say one thing! - Run, Greg, run! - What? Let go, Baby Hippo! (LAUGHING) You're gonna have to come out sometime, loser! I'll wait here as long as it takes. And then, you're dead. Time out, Rodrick. I have to pee. (CHUCKLES) No time outs. Only death! - But I really have to go. - Don't care. (WATER GURGLING) (GURGLING) (EXCLAIMS) (SIGHS) (HUMMING) Move over! I'm dying. (SIGHING DEEPLY) Got you! (SCREAMING) Greg, did you throw Manny off his... What is going on? Greg started it. I just came in here to take a shower. He's lying! He was gonna kill me 'cause I was in his room! And so you peed on him? Yes. I mean, no. I mean... Yes. (WHISTLING) (ALL CHATTERING) (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) Wow, there's a lot to sign up for. You could be class favorite in a bunch of things. Jazz dancing! We could do that one together! I can't believe all these activities. They're all so much work. Staying after school, meeting before school, on weekends. What kind of extracurricular activities are these? Out of my way. Who let you into this school, Greg Heffley? I was thinking the same thing about you, Patty Farrell. You listen to me, Greg Heffley. I'm running for student council president and I'm warning you, if you get in my way, I will beat you up, just like I did in kindergarten and fourth grade. Fourth grade? That one was ugly. What's her problem? What did I ever do to her? Patty, Patty is a fatty, has a face just like a ratty! (CRYING) (ALL LAUGHING) Come on, that was pretty funny. She needs to get a sense of humor. And I need something to make me a class favorite. ANGIE: What about class favorites? Don't you ever say hi or hello before you start talking? - Hi. - Hello. Oh, Greg's only here because he really wants to be something... Rowley! I was just saying that I would really like to nail these people because it's so obvious that they're only doing these activities to get in the yearbook. You know, I like your point of view. You should sign up for the school paper. We're the voice of the people. Well, the people are mostly idiots, so I guess, technically speaking, we're the voice of the people making fun of the people. Thanks, but I can't be on the paper because I'm gonna be in the paper a lot. So that would be a conflict of interest. You're the people. Got it. Do you believe me now? That girl is crazy town. Look! They have wrestling! That's it! I'm great at wrestling. I've watched it for years, I know all the moves. Tombstone piledriver. Chair shot. Vader Bomb. AUDIENCE: Heffley! Heffley! Heffley! Heffley! Heffley! Heffley! Heffley! Okay. Something is very wrong here. These don't look like wrestling costumes to me. Welcome to wrestling, you future Olympians! So, just to make sure we all get off on the right foot and nobody gets seriously injured, we're gonna teach you a few basic moves. Remember, this is about learning the sport and having fun! All right. It's not a competition because everyone here is already a superstar to me. Coach Brewer, can you step over here for a moment, please, give me a hand? Thanks. (GRUNTS) (ALL EXCLAIM) That's known as a speed takedown. Nice job, Coach Brewer. Can you get up and come behind me? Put one arm over my shoulder? Let's go, yeah. You got it, walk it off, come on. That was known as the arm drag. Let's give Coach Brewer a hand, everybody! He's fine. Yeah, Heffley. What about piledrivers and Vader bombs? That is fake wrestling. This is real wrestling! Let's go! If I have to wrestle Benny Wells, he'll kill me! MALONE: Let's move! Come on! Okay, to keep things fair, I've divided you into weight categories by your size, so Rottweilers over here. Bulldogs, you stay right there. And we got two Chihuahuas. Yeah. Nice head gear. Thanks. My mom let me borrow it. All right, let's see what you got. (WHISTLE BLOWS) Don't worry, Fregley, I'll take it easy on you. (EXCLAIMING) Hey, I wasn't ready! Nobody's keeping score, but that was a sweet speed takedown, Fregley! This is fun, Greg Heffley! Get off me! ALL: (CHANTING) Fregley! Fregley! Fregley! Blow the whistle, blow the whistle! All right! Fregley! Outstanding! And let's... Let's hear it for our other winner. Yay, Greg! I can't lose to Fregley again. If I get beat by the weirdest kid in school, nobody's ever gonna let me sit at their table. How are you going to beat him? It's like he had superhuman strength! I'm not gonna beat him. I'm gonna gain 10 pounds this week so I can move up to the Bulldog weight class. And then you and I can wrestle each other. Ready? - Can I throw at you now? - Later. You're better at riding than I am, and I'm a better thrower. (SIGHS) Greg, save some for everybody else, honey. GREG: Can't. I need to bulk up. Why? I think your body looks beautiful just the way it is. I heard he got his butt kicked at wrestling. Now what is wrong with you? Why would you sign up for something you don't have to do? You signed up for wrestling? Kind of. You never sign up for anything at school. You fly below the radar. That way you never raise anyone's expectations. Thank you, Rodrick, for those words of motivational wisdom, but perhaps a better way to look at it is that it's a chance to learn to excel at something. Well, what could I learn at school that I can't teach myself? Well, Greg, I think it's great that you took the initiative to learn something new. This is like the first step to responsibility! My boss's son Will was smaller than you, but he built himself up with the weights! Yeah. We could get you the same equipment. You could train, get the right nutrition, cardio. You'd be in tip-top shape just like Will. And it would only take, like, three months. - Three months? - Yeah. I'll just stick to eating. Well, I don't know where you put it, Heffley, but you gained 10 pounds and joined the Bulldog class. Yes. I thought you didn't gain any weight this week. My mom's ankle weights. All right, bulldog Heffley. Meet your new opponent. What? But this is boys' wrestling. Ever hear of Title IX? Her parents threatened to sue, so you show her what it's like to wrestle a real live boy. (PATTY GRUNTS) Come on! What you waiting for, huh? Don't be such a wuss, Heffley. - Make your move! - She's a girl! Where do I grab her? - Stay down! - ANGIE: Patty, over here! - Get off of me! - Can I wrestle somebody good now? (ALL LAUGHING) Well, look who's in the paper. Greg! You're famous! Right on the front page! And if I would have pinned her, which I could have done easily, you know I would have gotten in trouble for hurting a girl. Why does she even want to wrestle? Who knows? Girls are very confusing. Like today, I heard someone in the hallway say that Bryce Anderson has a cute butt. What does that even mean? A butt can't be cute. It's a butt. I know, but that's what they were saying. I don't see why girls our age can't talk just like regular people. So how are you gonna become a class favorite now? - Two words. Best Dressed. - How are you going to do that? Fashion is easy. You wear a shirt and a tie, and kids are impressed. I'm telling you, this is gonna work. (SINGING) I light 'em up before the motor starts I go so fast that I could never stop Look under the hood but you don't know what I got I'm a moving violation, baby Hot, hot, hot, hot Ta-da! - I told you I was wearing this. - I know! - I wanted to be matchers! - BO Y: Check them out! ALL: (SINGING) Greg and Rowley sitting in a tree K- l-S-S-l-N-G First comes love... GREG: You know, maybe Rodrick was right about Rowley. Maybe I do need a new best friend. But I can't just ditch him. I mean, if anybody has a better idea, I'd love to hear it. NARRATOR: In this school, much like your own, one boy is about to learn an important lesson about self-worth and esteem. Gag me with a spoon. That guy is so unpopular, I'd hate to be him. (SIGHS) Why doesn't anybody like me? BROCK: Maybe because they don't know how awesome you really are. Brock Branigan P.I.! What are you doing here? I'm here to solve the case of the boy who just needed to be himself. So go for it! Show them how awesome you really are! Hey, guys. Do you like break dancing? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) That is totally rad! Wicked. You should sit with us at lunch, friend. Sweet! It really is awesome to be me! Thanks, Brock. Okay. Let's talk about what we've learned. GREG: I don't know about anyone else, but I know what I learned. It is awesome to be me. The problem with Rowley is that he's not enough like me. I can't ditch him 'cause he'd be lost without me. But maybe I can fix him. Because that's the kind of friend I am. What are you doing? Making your clothes more middle-school friendly. Look at this stuff. Too babyish and weird. Too "Why don't you just punch me now?" What are you, a foreign exchange student? Oh, man. This one we burn. That was a present from my mom. Well, then your mom is trying to get you killed. Ready? Steady. Go. No, no, no. You look like one of the Seven Dwarfs. You only need one strap. One strap is cool. But there's two straps. Why would they put on two straps if you're only supposed to use one? Because the guys who make backpacks aren't cool. If they were cool, they'd give it one strap, like the cool one-strap guys do. You know what has one strap? Machine guns. You know what else? Electric guitars. - You know what else? - Purses? - But Joshie is cool. - Rowley, Joshie is not cool. He's a lip-synching pop star whose fans are eight-year-old girls. You're just jealous that I was the one who discovered him. Who are you gonna listen to, Rowley? Me or Joshie? Joshie says to respect your parents and follow your dreams. Then Joshie must get beaten up a lot. You actually almost look as good as me. Am I great at this or what? There's Bryce Anderson. Just be cool. - Hey, Bryce. - Yeah, hey, Bryce! Cute butt! You're killing me, you know that? Look, Rowley, tonight's Halloween, our favorite night of the year, so, just promise me you won't wear, do or say anything weird. (DOORBELL RINGS) You're kidding me, right? (SIGHS) My mom wanted me to be visible at night. From space? So, we'll hit a few houses on the way to the North Side, which is where we'll do most of our trick-or-treating. Why are we going all the way over there? It's where the rich people live. They hand out, like, two, three pieces of big candy to each kid. Not that candy corn crap. I'm talking about full-size Milky Ways and Nutter Butters. Plus, if we time it right, rich people get tired of answering their doors and just leave the bowl out. We can clean up. ROWLEY: Wow, you're lucky. My mom doesn't let me play with makeup anymore. Shut up, tool. Lded Diper's got a gig tonight. Mmm. Going to the North Side, huh? Takes you right past the Devil Worshiper Woods. The Devil Worshiper Woods? You know about that story, right? Well, there used to be this house right here where these woods are. They had to tear it down because what happened there was so terrible. What happened there? Well, a long time ago, two kids who were, I don't know, maybe in middle school, they trick-or-treated at that house on Halloween night. But the house was full of devil worshipers who put the kids in these giant pizza ovens. And they cooked them and they ate them. But they forgot to turn off the ovens. So the house burned down with everyone in it. How'd the trees get there? And then they planted trees. Oh. And to this day, on Halloween night, you can still hear the demonic laughter of the devil worshiper ghosts as they roam the woods, looking for more kids to sacrifice! Hey, Rodrick. I need you to help me out. Like... (DOORBELL RINGS) Are you wearing eyeliner? - KIDS: Trick or treat. - Susan! - I'm on door duty! - GIRL: Thank you. Bubby! Mom, can you tell him to stop calling me that? What if somebody hears? Then they'll know how much he loves you. Frank, Frank, honey, honey, can you go with them? No, I can't. I got to guard the house in case someone tries to T.P. Us. They're gonna get drenched from the roof. (LAUGHS) Honey, for goodness sakes, don't do that again. Remember what happened last year? I got you! (CRYING) Hi. I thought they were teenagers. And I couldn't see through the bushes. My legs, they hurt from the squatting. So, that's why I'm doing it from the roof this year. So I can see when they're coming. Can we go now? (DOORBELL RINGS) Yes, go. - But stay in the neighborhood. - KIDS: Trick or treat. - And no North Side! - We promise! GREG: We got to stay in this neighborhood the rest of the night. That guy gave me two full-size Snickers! Did I tell you or did I tell you? These people have money to burn! (LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO) ROWLEY: I can't believe we got this much candy. This is, like, the best day ever. CARTER: Hey, reflector dude, nice costume! Thanks! My mom made it... (EXCLAIMING) (BO YS LAUGHING) - CARTER: Oh, that was awesome! - I saw your plates! We're calling the cops! Uh-oh. Oh, boy. Run! CARTER: Hey, they're going through the yard! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Where are we going? We're totally exposed! - My grandma's house! - Quickly! They're coming! (RINGING DOORBELL) - Hello? - That's not helping! She's not home! - Bingo night. - CARTER: Okay, you guys are dead. ROWLEY: Open the door! Get the key! GREG: Okay. Okay. - ROWLEY: Open the door! Get it! - Come on, let's get them, boys. ROWLEY: They're coming! ROWLEY: Now! CARTER: Oh, I got you now! PETE: Hey, hey! Come on, you babies! I'm gonna kick your butts! - Yeah? You and what army? - Whatever. (BOTH BABBLING) You guys are so lucky you can hide in there behind your mommy! No, we aren't! It's not our house! It's his grandma's and she's not even home! (LAUGHING) What? Why would you tell them that? CARTER: (SOFTLY) Did he just say that? Oops. Now they're never gonna leave. You need to call your mom to come get us. Mine'll kill me if she knows we're here. Mine will, too. She thinks you're a bad influence. She's right. Then we're gonna have to bust out of here. - PETE: You have any threes? - Go fish. (CREAKING) Hey, what's that? (D ANGER! HIGH VOL TAGEPLAYING) Danger, danger High Voltage (LAUGHING) Danger, danger High Voltage Just back off! I don't want to hurt anybody, we just want to walk away and forget this ever happened. Nobody needs to be a hero! Whoa! Are you kidding me? I'm gonna rip off your arms and punch you in the face with your own fists! - They're gaining! - This way! The Devil Worshiper Woods! No way! PETE: Hey! Stay right there! We're gonna get you! (PANTING) They're going into the woods. (PANTING) No, no way I go into Devil Worshiper Woods. Uh-uh. This isn't over! - ROWLEY: I'm really scared! - Just keep running! (ROWLEY PANTING) (LOUD LAUGHTER) ROWLEY: Did you hear that? It's the devil worshipers. (LOUD LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) (BOTH SCREAMING) Guys? - Are we safe? - Yeah. And we made it with still a ton of candy. Sorry. I was... I thought you were teenagers. - BO Y: Maybe next year, Pops! - Hey! (SNIFFING) (GROANS) So anyone else exhibiting symptoms of pink eye should contact the nurse immediately. In field trip news, consent forms are going out today for our annual History of Plumbing excursion. In sports news... I think Shelly is looking Hot today. - BO Y: Yeah. - Are they talking about me? I don't know. I don't speak Russian. (TEACHER SHUSHING) And finally, some positions have opened up for the Safety Patrol. If anyone is interested, see Mr. Winsky after homeroom. GREG: Now that's what I'm talking about. Safety Patrol. The cops of middle school. You boss people around, report the jerks, and miss class three times a week. MR. WINSKY: Safety Patrol is a sacred trust. When you put on this vest and that badge you become a protector of the weak. You become an enforcer of the laws of this school, because today's litterer and jaywalker is tomorrow's window breaker and graffiti vandal, and it's our job to stop it. So I ask you, are you up for the job? - Yes! - Yes! Then welcome to Safety Patrol. Just remember, with great power... - Whoa. ...comes great responsibility. Now, you get your first assignment just after lunch, so you'll be excused from the first 20 minutes of sixth period. But that means we'll miss Algebra... Ouch! Do we get free stuff? - Free hot cocoa. - Could this day get any better? Whoa, is that cocoa? - Sorry, Safety Patrol only. - Sorry. You rejected the school paper, but you joined the Safety Patrol? Look, are you working your way down the evolutionary ladder? What? Look, Safety Patrol is the lowest of the low, the geekiest of the geeky, the Island of Misfit Toys. You're just jealous they don't trust you to keep our school safe. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to secure the perimeter. GIRL: I'm hungry. GREG: Keep it straight, people. Single-file line, one by one. (ROCK MUSIC BLARING ON CAR RADIO) Greg! It's those guys from Halloween! What do we do? Come on, man, just pull my finger. I swear to God, I'm not gonna do anything. Everybody, shoulder to shoulder. Shoulder to shoulder. - GREG: Go. Go! - Whoa, whoa. - That was close. - Too close. (BOTH LAUGHING) GREG: It's times like these that make me realize Rowley's pretty lucky to have me as a friend. ROWLEY: And I got Twisted Wizard Two, and a new bike! And we're going to take a family trip to New York City for New Year's Eve! - What did you get? - My dad got me a weight-lifting set. Do you know how many video games I could've gotten instead? I had to get out of there before he expected me to, like, use it. Anyway, let's play some Twisted Wizard Two at your house. Probably not a good idea. My dad's still annoyed at you. For what? Remember that secret language we made up last week? Your-pa dad-pa smells-pa like-pa a woman-pa. (BOTH LAUGHING) I think he cracked our code. We should probably do something outside. ROWLEY: Why can't you ride and I throw at you first? My legs kind of hurt from walking over here. (SIGHS) (SCREAMING) (GRUNTS) Okay, Rowley. Come on. Get up. (ROWLEY GROANING) Shake it off. Are you sure the doctor was right? It really didn't look that broken to me. Yeah, it's broken. The X-ray never lies. - Oh, my gosh. What happened? - I broke it. - SHELLY: How? - Big Wheel accident. You're funny. - Can I sign your cast? - Me, too. - I wanna sign it, too. - Why, sure. Hey, I'm the one who broke his hand. Then you're a jerk. - (WHISPERS) Sorry. - GIRL: Does it hurt? (EXCLAIMS) SHELLY: Rowley, you're so funny. - After I stood... - GREG: I couldn't believe it! Rowley was eating at an actual table because of something I did! Where's my credit? And he's right handed! He can feed himself just fine. So, how's that class favorite thing working out for you? Great. (WHOOPING) I realized Rowley's injury thing was a pretty good racket. (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) - MARLEY: It's gonna be so much fun. - Hey, guys. Check it out. Oh, my gosh, what happened? It's a raging infection caused by a splinter that was left untreated. Want to be the first to sign my sympathy sheet? No. I'll sign it, Greg Heffley, if you'd let me look at your infection. ROWLEY: And on the X-ray, you could see where the bone just snapped right in half. I had the exact same break last year, and it got all purple! - ROWLEY: Cool! Mine, too! - Hey, Gregory, want to sign the card? You got Rowley a card? What? No, it's for Bryan Little. You know, the guy who writes the Wacky Dawg cartoons for the school paper? He has mono and he's going to be out for three months. That really stinks. So, just out of curiosity, who's gonna do the cartoon? They're having tryouts, but the important thing is Bryan gets better. Absolutely. GREG: Bryan Little getting mono was destiny. I draw cartoons all the time. I'm gonna win this. I decided to go ahead and forgive Rowley for milking the broken hand so hard and I told him he could work on the cartoon with me. So, I was thinking we could do something like this! Oops, I stepped in a puddle! At least it's not an acid puddle. Oy, oy, oy! It is an acid puddle! Zoo-wee Mama! Zoo-wee Mama! It's the same joke every time. Yeah! Zoo-wee Mama! We can't just do the same thing over and over. We can if it's Zoo-wee Mama. It has to be a little more sophisticated. GREG: (IMITATES CREIGHTON) I wonder what is in this cute little box. GREG: (IMITATES CREIGHTON'S FRIEND) It's not a box, it's a brick, you dumb moron. GREG: (IMITATES CREIGHTON) Oops! I've been trying to open it all day! - Can he say, "Zoo-wee Mama"? - No, it's not funny. Well, I think it is. I like Zoo-wee Mama. You know what? If you like it so much, then why don't you go do it yourself? Okay. I will. See you. (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) Hey, I forgot my raincoat, so I'm gonna need you to walk the kids home today. I can't. I can't get my cast wet. You can borrow my coat. GIRL: Where's Rowley? - He couldn't get his cast wet! - He walks us better! Oh, no. Oh, my gosh! Space monsters! They're going to eat us, unless we can get into that hole! Come on, people, move it! Now, people! We're gonna get eaten! Come on! Don't worry! I'm right behind you! - Whoa! - Go! Hey! Rowley Jefferson, is that you? Yes, Mrs. Irvine! Sorry, kids! Are you going to eat us? And though doctors assure us that Mrs. Cheznik is no longer contagious, the cafeteria nachos bar will be closed for the remainder of the week. And now, what you've all been waiting for. The faculty, Student Council and editors have all met and selected the new cartoonist for the school paper. And the winner is "Zoo-wee Mama" by Rowley Jefferson! (ALL CHEERING) - What? - That is funny! BO Y: Great job. - Zoo-wee Mama. - GREG: I couldn't believe it. Am I the only one who gets comedy? - Rowley, will you put me in your cartoon? - Sure. And me, too. I want to be the one who says, "Zoo-wee Mama." - You got it! - Hey, Rowley, congratulations. - Thanks. - No problem. You know, I read all the submissions and yours was by far the best. I read yours, too. - BRYCE: Hey, Rowley. - Hey, Bryce. - Yeah, hey, Bryce. - Hey, fella. Wow. Everyone knows me now. - It's like I'm famous! Isn't this great? - Yeah. Rowley Jefferson? I need to see you in my office, now. (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) MR. WINSKY: I just took a call from a Mrs. Irvine about what happened to the kindergarteners last week. She was very upset. And so am I. - What? - You violated the sacred trust. This... This badge is supposed to mean something, and you just spat on it. I can barely even look at you. - I really don't... - Just save it. You are officially suspended from Safety Patrol. And I expect a full apology to the kindergarteners. Yes, sir. - Hey. What did he have to say? - I'm kicked off. I don't even know what he's talking about. Rowley? - What? - Nothing. You've been home for an hour and haven't badgered me for any snacks. Are you feeling okay? Well, I'm kind of in a tough situation. I know something and if I tell the truth about it, it could hurt somebody. But if I don't, it could hurt somebody else. Well, you have to trust your gut and try to do the right thing, because it's our choices that make us who we are. Okay. GREG: I was up all night, tossing and turning, thinking about my mom 's advice. And I finally decided to do the right thing. I'm sorry I terrorized you, children. What? I decided to let Rowley take one for the team. But I'm not entirely sure that was the right call. Hey, how's it going? Well, I was pretty upset about being suspended from Safety Patrol, but then I just started drawing a bunch of Zoo-wee Mamas and I felt better. Look. I put you in this week's cartoon. And you even get to say, "Zoo-wee Mama." Wow. That's really nice. So, listen. It's kind of funny, you know, the whole Safety Patrol thing. Yeah? Ready for the funny part? Well, I'm the one who terrorized those kids! - What? - Yeah, and I think we can both learn some valuable lessons from this. Like, I should be more careful what I do in front of Mrs. Irvine's house. And you, well, you should be more careful who you lend your coat to. You know what, Greg? You're not a good friend. Whoa. How could you even say that? I'm a great friend. If you were a great friend, you would have told Mr. Winsky the truth. Okay, one thing. You can't get mad about just... You only care about yourself. You hated my cartoon. You made fun of my clothes. You disrespected Joshie. You broke my hand and you didn't even seem sorry. That broken hand was the best thing that ever happened to you! Don't call me. Don't come by my house. We're done. I thought the whole thing would blow over. But Rowley was still giving me the silent treatment. - Even when I tried to make the first move. - Yeah. ROWLEY: So, anyway, I was so angry at him, I didn't know what to say. MR. WINSKY: One of the kindergarteners finally told their parents the whole story. Greg? You're relieved of your Safety Patrol duties, effective immediately. Rowley, for showing dignity under false suspicion, I am promoting you to team captain. Now, that's a position that I held for two years. I know you'll honor it. (YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND PLAYING) Okay You're supposed to be my friend We're supposed to get along Hey, you're supposed to be my friend Hey, Rowley, my mom says it's okay for me to sleep over tonight. Awesome! GREG: The whole thing with Rowley is, I was willing to let bygones be bygones. But then he made friends with Collin just to mess with me. As if I even care if he... Well, you know what? Two can play at that game. There's no going back, Sergeant. I need to board the helicopter. Do you have my back? I will always have your back, Captain. Yeah, maybe I'll meet up with some friends Yeah, maybe I'll meet up with some dogs 'Cause you're supposed to be You're supposed to be Supposed to be my friend You're supposed to be my friend now - Hey. - Hey, Greg Heffley. So, I was thinking maybe you might want to have a sleepover? Yeah. With who? Me. - Yeah, when? - Now. Greg Heffley, I love you! We are going to be best friends forever! Wanna have a tickle fight? Okay. Let's get inside. FREGLEY: I can't believe it! Greg Heffley's in my room! Greg Heffley's in my room, Rebecca. What do you want to do, Greg Heffley? How about Twister? GREG: I'm not really that much of a Twister guy. - Candy! - Wait! No, no, no! Fregley, come on! Really! I really think we should save those for later! - Maybe we should go outside and... - My mom doesn't let me have sugar. She says high glucose in my diet induces hyperactivity. But it's so good! Greg Heffley, you want to jumpety-jump? Yeah, you know what, Fregley? I just remembered, I have an appointment, a really important appointment. It's a homework appointment. Yeah, and I really should be going. Get away from me! (EXCLAIMING) I can fly! Whoa. How fun, Greg Heffley! Greg? Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg? Greg? Greg? (BANGING ON DOOR) I hear you breathing, Greg Heffley. FREGLEY: Dear Gregory, I'm very sorry I chased you with a booger on my finger. Here, I put it on this paper so you can get me back. What? All right. GREG: Okay, enough. I'll show Rowley I don't need him. When he sees me in the yearbook as Most Talented, he's gonna come running back. Okay, since there are so many of you here auditioning, to save time, we're gonna do a group sing of one of my favorite songs. Please refer to the lyrics on this handout. I will pick out the best voices and place you accordingly. (ALL SINGING OUT OF TUNE) (GREG SINGING MELODIOUSLY) (SCOFFS) Greg Heffley, what a lovely soprano voice you have. I'm stunned! Maybe you should be Dorothy! - No, no, I can't be... - No! Greg Heffley was suspended from the school Safety Patrol! How can you trust him with the lead role in the play? He can't be Dorothy! I'm Dorothy! - All right, Patty, calm down. - I'm Dorothy! I am! My mother is the president of the P.T.A. She can ruin your life! Just an idea. (SCOFFS) All right, well, Greg, your voice is too high for any of the other male roles. Perhaps you can be a tree! A tree? No way. (SCOFFS) (WHISPERS) The trees get to throw apples at Patty Farrell. Haven't you seen the movie? (PATTY BLOWING KISSES) Wait, we don't get arm holes? How are we gonna throw apples at Dorothy without arm holes? You don't need arm holes because nobody's throwing any apples. We're not doing the movie. In my version, the trees sing. These, my dear. (ALL SINGING) Down the winding yellow road Doth she know to where it goes With her dog so small and true We hope she fares well Yes, we do (SCREAMING) ARCHIE: My tooth! I think I knocked out my tooth! Perhaps we should cut out some arm holes. - GIRL: Is he okay? - You think? (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Isn't this exciting? Your son's in a play. Yeah, sure. It's not wrestling, but... - But at least it's something. - PATTY: Come on, Toto. Let us explore this magical path! (BARKING) Bubby! (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Bubby! Bubby! Bubby. Hey, Bubby, I think you dropped an apple. Huh? (SINGING) We three trees from yonder glen Do spy a fair and sweet maiden Whilst we're rooted to our spots In silver slippers she doth trot Down the winding yellow road Oh, yes. Doth she know to where it goes You're dead. With her dog so small and true We hope she fares well Yes, we do We three trees from... From yonder glen! Wish her joy through journey's end! Sing! Sing! - Sing! - BO Y: This bites! PATTY: Come on, Greg Heffley! Stop ruining the play like you ruin everything else! Don't make me come over there and beat you up again! (EXCLAIMS ANGRILY) (YELLING) (GRUNTS) Eat this! Eat this! Wow. (LAUGHS) (GROANS) FRANK: What'd you think? I thought he was the best one up there. - Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. - You know, I'm... (SIGHS) I thought Dorothy deserved it. Thanks, Dad. FRANK: You got some good shots in there. (DOOR OPENING) Look what I found in the trash. Guess you threw it away by accident. Give it back, Rodrick! No way! You want it? Come and get it then! Come on. - Give it! - Come on! Use your muscular legs! No, you can't have it. - Okay, okay, boys! - Give it back! - Hold on, don't you want it? - Okay! It's for you. (GASPS) It's an invitation for the Mother and Son Sweetheart Dance. (SIGHS) I knew you didn't want to miss that. It looks like a lot of fun. I think you should go. I think it'd be a lot of fun. GREG: Fun? That's the exact opposite of fun! This entire year has been terrible and nobody even cares! My family, my best friend. Well, I'm sick of it. Somebody needs to pay. Okay, Manny, I'm putting this Tootsie Roll in Rodrick's backpack. It's for Rodrick, so whatever you do, don't touch the Tootsie Roll. Mmm-hmm. Greg? Coaster. Where's he... Manny? Where did you get that? Oh, my. That's offensive. (PLAYING HEAVY METAL MUSIC) Rodrick? Rodrick! I need to talk to you inside! Now! Go ahead and talk. We're a band and we have no secrets. Okay, fine. What is this? - It's not mine. - It was in your backpack. No, it was in my room. (EXCLAIMS) Does owning this magazine make you a better person? - No. - Did it make you more popular at school? (LAUGHING) Yes! No. How do you feel about having owned this type of magazine? - Ashamed! - BAND MATE: Nice. Hmm. Do you have anything you wanna say to women for having owned this offensive magazine? I'm sorry, women. - Yeah, women. - Yeah. You're grounded for two weeks. Okay, settle down, Susan! I think one week is plenty! Make it four weeks and I'm gonna need the keys to your van! My van? Yeah! Yeah. Yeah. ROWLEY: Hello? Hello? (LE FREAKPLAYING) PHOTOGRAPHER: All right, smile. Look at this place! Wanna dance? Mom, stop dancing. You're embarrassing me. Come on. I'm just keeping time to the music. I'm begging you, please stop it. Okay, okay, okay. Thanks, honey. Hi! Well, if we're not here to dance, maybe you should go talk to Rowley. I think it's time you two made up. I can't. Sweetheart, he's your best friend. And sometimes, when somebody's worth it, you just have to put yourself out there. I wouldn't know what to say. Well, I could go for an ice cream after the dance. Maybe you could invite him to join us. Yeah. Hey, Rowley. Hey. So you want to go get some ice cream after? I'm sorry. We already have plans. Yeah. We do. Oh, fine. My mom wanted me to ask. So I did. I didn't even want to go. Well? Honey, I'm sorry. (INTERGALACTIC PLAYING) Yeah! (SINGING) Well, now, don't you tell me to smile You stick around I'll make it worth your while Got numbers beyond what you can dial Maybe it's because I'm so versatile Style profile, I said It always brings me back when I hear, Ooh, Child From the Hudson River out to the Nile I run the marathon till the very last mile If you battle me I will revile People always say my style is wild You've got gall, you've got guile To step to me, I'm a rapophile If you want to battle, you're in denial Coming from Uranus to check my style Go ahead, put my rhymes on trial Cast you off into exile GREG: You have got to be kidding me. BO Y: Hey, what's up? GIRL: Hey. Hey. Hey. So, I left my racing game at your house and Collin's sleeping over tonight. So I need it back. What? No way. Finders, keepers. You didn't find it, I left it. Fine, then leavers, losers. That's not even a real thing. It is if I say it is. It's my game. Do you know what? You wouldn't even have that game if I hadn't told you about it. You wouldn't have half the stuff you have without me. Yeah, like a broken hand! That was a million years ago. ROWLEY: It clicks now! Hear that? Click, click, click, click. And it's all your fault! It was an accident! Kick his butt, Rowley! It's easy. Guys, Greg and Rowley are gonna fight. - Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! - Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! - Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! - Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! PATTY: Come on, what's wrong with you guys? Start punching! - You start. - You start it. No, you! Quit copying me! This has got to be the worst fight ever! Do something! (ALL EXCLAIM) Well, well, well. Look who we have here. You're so freaking dead. All you guys better scram or I'm gonna kick your butts, too! (ALL SCREAMING) Not you two. You guys have no idea what I'm gonna do to you. Oh, um... What are we gonna do? - I don't know. - We need to move this along. My shift at Cinnabon starts in half an hour. I know what we're gonna do. Give me the wide one. That's you, let's go. Pick it up. - But... - Pick it up. Now eat it. No! Eat it or I'll shove the entire thing down your throat. (GAGGING) GREG: I don't even want to say exactly what happened because if Rowley ever tries to run for President and someone finds out what these guys made him do, he won't have a chance. PETE: Now you. But I'm allergic to dairy! I'll die, and then you'll go to jail! And... MALONE: Hey! - What are you doing on school property? - WADE: Go, go, go! CARTER: Shotgun! Pete Hosey, is that you? You boys okay? Yeah? All right. Out of my way! Out of my way! Oh, my God. Rowley Jefferson ate... I ate the cheese! Yeah. I ate it. And you know what, people? I just did you all a huge favor. I ate the cheese to show you all how stupid this whole school is. The wrong friends. The wrong lunch table. The wrong butt? It's all meaningless. Just like this cheese. I know it. You all know it. So come on. Everyone else who's sick of it, step forward and join me! Cheese Touch! Greg Heffley has the Cheese Touch! - ALL: Run! - BO Y: He's got the Cheese Touch! Not bad, Heffley. Not bad at all. So you want to come over after school and play? Yeah. Okay. (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) PATTY: Here's your yearbook. Have a great summer. Here's your yearbook. Have a great summer. Thanks! Here's your yearbook. Have a great summer. Thanks, Patty. Here's your yearbook. You're not in it that much. Maybe try to get out there a little next year. You know what, Patty? One day middle school will end and become high school. And after that, it just becomes life. And all those things you think are important now won't be anymore. (SCOFFS) You wish. (EXCLAIMING) As if! Handing it to you is like touching you and I am way too smart to touch somebody who ate the cheese. Rowley! Have a great summer! Stay cool. Yep, you're way too smart for me, Patty Farrell. (SCOFFS) (LAUGHING) So the year turned out pretty good. My goal was to be a class favorite, and I made it. Even if it wasn't exactly the way I planned it. Zoo-wee Mama! (WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM MEPLAYING) Hey! Oh! I don't wanna waste my time again By getting wasted with so-called friends 'Cause they don't know me But they pretend to be part of my social scenery Hey, maybe I'm a critic, a cynic Or am I jaded or am I afraid of it? 'Cause It's dragging me down It's bumming me out It's making my head spin round and round Can you say, "Hey?" Can you say, "Oh?" That's right, what do you want from me? Can you say, "Hey?" Can you say, "Oh?" That's right, what do you want from me? I get the feeling we're on to something I say jump and you start jumping Can you say, "Hey?" Can you say, "Oh?" That's right, what do you want from me? Just another day in the life of me Maybe I'm a critic, a cynic Or am I crazy? Do they all hate me? 'Cause they pick me up and throw me down It's making my head spin round and round (EXCLAIMS) Can you say, "Hey?" Can you say, "Oh?" That's right, what do you want from me? Can you say, "Hey?" Can you say, "Oh?" That's right, what do you want from me? I get the feeling, we're on to something I say jump and you start jumping Can you say, "Hey?" Can you say, "Oh?" That's right, now what do you want from me? Can you say, "Hey?" Can you say, "Oh?" That's right, what do you want from me? Can you say, "Hey?" Can you say, "Oh?" That's right, what do you want from me? I get the feeling, we're on to something I say jump and you start jumping Can you say, "Hey?" Can you say, "Oh?" That's right, what do you want from me? English - US - SDH