Go Tina on the Mountain

1 RANGER CARL: At the Outdoor Education Center, nature is the classroom.

But it's not just bonding over fox scat.

These kids bond through team building.

Teamwork is the only way to get to the top of Mount Windygap.

It's a powerful experience, like an epiphany, - a nature-iphany.

- Wow.

I can't wait to be on top of Mount Windygap and have my nature-iphany.

Well, I'm just excited to blow off four days of school at Outdoor Ed.

You're not blowing off school, Missy.

Your teachers are going to be there, teaching.

Doesn't mean I got to learn.

It's gonna be hard not to learn with nature doing most of the teaching and changing, of our lives.

(screeches) What's that, giant eagle? You want to become one and forever be known - as Teagle! - (screeches) LOUISE: But Tina, you already have a super cool nickname.

- Huh? - Oh! My Tina's got a super cool nickname? Well, what is it? What is it? Uh, I-I'd rather not say.

- Fluffy-Butt.

- Fluffy-Butt? Oh, sweetie, why? (sighs) I was in the girls' bathroom, all alone, and I started singing the song from the Cloud Fresh toilet paper commercial.

Fluffy-butt, fluffy-butt, oh, fluffy, fluffy LOUISE: But you weren't alone, were you? Fluffy, fluffy, fluffy-butt (mouth pops) A bom, bom, bom.

(laughter) And I didn't even mind being called Fluffy-Butt at first.

But when you hear it every day, in every class - And in the hall.

- And morning announcements.

It starts to seem like people aren't being fluffy, fun and friendly, like it says on the package.

Sorry, Tina.

Hey, nicknames don't last forever.

But be careful: the more you fight it, the more it sticks.

I knew a kid who had to change schools 'cause of a nickname.

- They called him "Bobby Belchbottoms.

" - Aw.

- LOUISE: Who was that kid, Dad? - No one you know.

This isn't about some random kid from your past, Dad.

This is about me, and how Outdoor Ed is gonna fix everything.

So say good-bye to Fluffy-Butt, 'cause it's the last time anyone's gonna hear it.

Fluffy-Butt, Fluffy-Butt Oh, Fluffy, Fluffy-Butt Fluffy-Butt.

RANGER CARL: If you get bit by a tick, let Mr.

Tweezers know.

If you get a splinter, also a job for Mr.

Tweezers.

Oh, and, uh, another topic, totally unrelated to safety: there may or may not be someone living in the woods nearby.

The so-called "Windygap Hermit," he's not dangerous Or, maybe he is, we really don't know.

I mean, there have been some missing hatchets and some other things, but they could be anywhere.

So if anyone notices anything suspicious, - please tell - ZEKE: Mr.

Tweezers? Uh, no.

Me.

Ranger Carl.

Or Mr.

Tweezers, yeah.

- I'll probably tell Tweezers.

- I get it.

Now, we're gonna do things a little differently this week, because they're predicting rain for the next few days.

There's gonna be a lot more indoor ed - here at the Outdoor Ed Center.

- JOCELYN: Wait, what? - ZEKE: Come on.

- Yes? But we're still gonna team-build on the ropes course, right? No, the ropes course isn't safe in the rain.

Yes? But we're still gonna hike to the top of Mount Windygap, for our nature-iphanies, right? No, the last quarter mile of that trail is in a steep notch.

It's like the mountain's rain gutter.

Totally impassable in bad weather.

Really? But what if the rain stops before Friday? - Well, it's not supposed to.

- But what if it does? - Well, I don't think it will.

- But what if it does? Well, there's no sense discussing that, because it's not gonna happen.

- Damn it.

- (whispers): Sorry, T.

At least we still get a few days of blowing off school.

For those of you who think you're just going to blow off school while we're up here, forget about it.

You'll have your regular classwork, plus nature stuff.

- Oh, man.

- Son of a bitch.

TEDDY: Wow.

Three big nights alone.

So what's the plan? Well, we haven't made any plans.

Wait, aren't you excited to have couple time together? - Of course we are.

- Um, yes.

Oh, then let's brainstorm.

There's, uh, stand-up comedy classes.

- Ah.

- Uh - There's couples hot therapy.

- Ooh.

-Mm.

There's watching hockey with a friend.

Huh? - Hmm - All those things sound great.

Ooh! We're gonna go crazy.

(both snoring) (yawns) - Lin.

- What? What? What? We fell asleep on the couch.

What? Did we do anything fun? I mean, we ate a lot of cheese.

Ugh, carry me to bed.

Ugh, carry me to bed.

TINA: I don't remember kids being all cooped up in the video.

We're supposed to be out there.

Up to our asses in nature.

Whoa, Tina, nature's all around you, girl.

This napkin came from a tree.

Yeah, and this syrup tree.

Sausage tree.

- Hey, Fluffy-B, pass the salt.

- Ugh! That's it.

I need some space.

How about that salt? Little help? I don't think you're supposed to be out here.

Well, I didn't come all this way to not go on a life-changing nature hike.

- Who's coming with me? - Ugh, fine.

We'll go with you on your life-changing hike.

Just make it quick.

Hey, let's go off-trail to find some fox scat.

A scat-Enger hunt.

Is it everything you hoped it'd be? (sighs) We can go back now, if you want.

Already walking.

Huh, where's that darn trail? Whoa.

What the hell is this place? Can't even see all this from just back there.

It's literally off the beaten path.

Do you think someone's here? We should ask that lady holding an axe! - Hi.

- (screaming) (moaning) Wait, you're scared? I'm the one who should be scared.

You're barging in without knocking.

Rude.

Right, but you're the one with the axe.

So This? (laughing) Oh I was just playing darts.

Whoa.

Live out here as long as I have, and you get tossy with the hatchet.

Wait, you live here? Are the hermit Ranger Carl told us about? The Windygap Hermit? "Hermit"? Really? That's what society is calling me? Not the Wonder Woman of the Woods? No, just "hermit.

" I hate labels.

(inhales, exhales) Labels.

All better.

What was that totally normal thing you just did? A cleansing ritual I made up.

- Does it work? - Don't I look cleansed? - Eh.

- Yes? - Uh So what's a girl got to do to get a turn throwing that thing? You want me to teach you how to throw a hatchet? Um, does a hermit scat in the woods? There they are.

Party animals.

So what'd you do? Where'd you go? - We, um - Oh, we ate a bunch of cheese and fell asleep on the couch.

What? You fell asleep on the couch? This time is a gift.

It's a chance to reconnect with one another.

Why do I have to explain this to you? Okay, Teddy, calm down.

We were tired.

We'll make up for it tonight.

Damn right you will.

And when I come in here tomorrow, I better be dazzled by your date tonight.

Dazzled! (panting) What burger today, Bobby? "Paprika," that sounds pretty good.

So how long have you lived here, um, Hermit Lady? My name's Martha Uh, well, it used to be.

The wind spoke through the trees, and I was born anew as (whooshing) Cool if we just call you "Martha"? - Sure.

- Thanks.

We don't speak wind.

What do you kids go by? That's Louise, he's Gene and I'm Tina.

But I'm hoping to get a nature name of my own.

- Teagle.

- That's up to nature, now, isn't it? First, you got to level up.

"Level up"? What's that? "Level up"? It's level up.

Level up! Oh, like, level up.

Yeah, you got it.

Level up.

I was supposed to level up, when-when we did the hike to the top of Mount Windygap.

- Now that's not gonna happen.

- Why not? 'Cause we're not allowed to do the team-building ropes course in the rain, or hike the mountain in the rain.

It's a real "blame it on the rain" situation.

Team building? You really think other people are gonna help you get what you want in life? It looked really good in the video.

Take it from a hermit teams are dumb.

- Feels like it's almost lunch.

- Oh, we better go.

If we don't show up for the next meal, they're gonna look for us.

Uh, I hate to be that lady you met in the woods who's like, "Hey, kids, don't tell anyone about this," but, uh, can you not tell anyone about this? About me? You got it, fun stranger.

Where are you kids coming from? We just stepped out for a smoke.

Well, I guess in all this rain, you can't burn down the forest.

Hey, but also, don't smoke.

(chuckles) You know, I can't tell if you're joking.

Well, let's get inside.

It's time to learn our famous weasel song.

I can't tell if you're joking.

Well, I've got the weasel.

You can pretty much see that I'm not joking.

And then you guys sing Who's that Knocking on my hole? And then you all sing Weasel, weasel If you please'll And then this group goes, - Eeh, eeh - Where were you, Tina? Oh, just off, trying to level up.

"Level up"? What's that? What's F-Butt fluffering about? You know what, Tammy? Wait, no, I know what to do.

(exhales) Labels.

Wow, that did feel good.

Whoa, did you just call me "Labels"? - No, I was - It's not nice to call people names.

Huh? No, no, that's what you guys have been doing to me.

- I was just - Not cool, Fluffy-Butt-Label-Face.

Not cool.

LINDA: I'm putting on my shoes My really good shoes My date night shoes And my date night earrings.

So, what sounds good, Lin? Dinner and a movie? Dinner and two movies.

All I know is, we're gonna go nuts.

Let's get this party start (both snoring) - Oh, no, oh, no.

No.

- What? Wait, what? What happened? We fell asleep on the couch again.

Maybe we're too old to have fun.

I'm not old, you're old.

Going back to sleep.

Rub my bunions.

First stop when we get home (grunts) - (hatchet thunks) - hatchet store.

And then, I did the cleansing ritual and felt better for, like, a second.

But then, they started all over again.

(groans) Why do you care so much what these other kids think? Because I don't know, I-I just do.

It's because you're living your life for other people.

I am? Huh.

Maybe I am.

I used to be just like you.

I thought I had it all.

The one bedroom apartment, the Nissan Altima lease, the job at a brand management company in an office park.

But ever since I was like "see ya" to society, I don't care what anyone thinks of me.

Wow, and I thought Outdoor Ed was gonna open my eyes.

But it turns out, it took a weird lady hermit.

And her three amazing hatchets: Buddy Hatchet, Teri Hatchet and Orrin Hatchet.

Still, it would've been great to get to the top of Mount Windygap.

Yep, old Mount Windygap, so gappy, so windy.

Oh, my God, you've been to the top of Mount Windygap? - Mm-hmm.

- By yourself? Yeah, uh, yep.

Mm-hmm.

Huh.

I thought the only way to get to the top was with teamwork.

I think you're my hero.

- I want a poster of you.

- (grunts) And how has this not replaced golf? LINDA: Don't even think about that couch, mister.

I'm not.

Much.

What's taking you so long? I wanted to change my look a little, get in the mood to go out.

Can't stay home looking like this, huh? Ha, ha! I'm Miami Beach bronze, baby.

You used a tanning spray? I'm a hottie in another body.

Mm.

Does that body have jaundice? Yeah, well, now, you have jaundice.

- Ha.

- Ow! Hey, stop.

- (laughs) - Oh, man ugh.

It isn't coming off.

Well, there's only one thing to do now.

Lin, there's a reason I never wear these old clothes.

Okay, that white sport coat might make me look incredible.

And it does.

You look good, too.

Actually, I don't know how you look, 'cause I can't take my eyes off me.

Oh, yeah.

Just an FYI, Tammy.

I don't care what other people think about me anymore, - so, yeah, good night.

- Really? - Yep.

- So you don't care if we call you "Flufficus-Butticus"? Which is, of course, the Latin name for your species.

Nope.

Not at all.

What about "Fluff With a Side of Butt"? Nope.

BOB: Oh, my God.

Wh-Why do we have to go dancing here? There has to be a place that's, like, - more from the present.

- What'll it be, chief? Oh.

Chief.

I like chief.

Yeah, you do.

What are you drinkin'? Um, I-I don't know.

What should I get? Two Long Island Iced Teas.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo! (rhythmic grunting) - Nice moves, Bobby! - This one's called another round of Long Island Iced Teas! LINDA: Ha-ha-ha! (cackling laughter) Oh, we never want this night to end! - Oh, it ended.

- That's it, people.

We're closed.

- Hey, our kids are out of town.

- Party at our place! (whooping) I'll bring me! (both snoring loudly) (Linda snorting) Lin.

Lin.

- Wha-Wha-Wha? - (groans) Did we bring people back here? Yeah, I think we did.

Are we really cool now? I think we are.

Oh, no.

- No, no, no! - Oh, God! Linda! Why did you bring people back here? I'm never gonna stop caring what people think about me if I'm too afraid to level up.

I got to get to the top of Mount Windygap.

Martha did it alone, so I can, too.

P.

S.

I had another dream where Jimmy Jr.

and Zeke switched heads What's up with that? There's a bear over there With a ribbon in her hair, and she says (deep voice): "Howdy do!" - Know what time it is? - Hatchet o'clock.

Yep.

Where's Tina? She's not here.

Did she go see Martha without us? This is why we need to put a GPS chip in that gal! Or what if we read her journal? Blah, blah, blah.

Teen stuff.

Hormones.

(gasps) Tina's going to the top of Mount Windygap by herself? - Aah! - And she's having that dream again.

The one where Jimmy Jr.

And Zeke switch heads? - Yeah.

- What's up with that? Come on, Teagle, you can do this.

No, I can't.

That's Tina speaking.

Don't listen to her, Teagle.

Martha? Martha! -(in distance): Way to go.

Level up.

- Shh, shh.

Wait.

Do you hear that? It's coming from in there.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Way to go.

Level up.

(screams) What the ? LOUISE: What is all this stuff? Is that a towel warmer? (gasps) You're no hermit! You're not even a camper! You're a glamper.

Ugh.

- Way to go.

Level up.

- "Level up" is from a video game? - (sighs): Yeah.

- Letting Go Cleansing Rituals for Divorced Men.

(gasps) I suppose you didn't even think of that slightly underwhelming cleansing ritual yourself! It came from this disc of sadness! Where'd you get all this stuff? Mostly from the ranger's cabin.

We believed you.

We believed that you were the Wonder Woman of the Woods.

I know.

I got excited.

I almost believed me.

I mean, I was the Wonder Woman of the Woods at first, for a day Well, for half a day.

Then I got so hungry.

Then I had to steal frozen food from the Outdoor Ed Center, and then the microwave from the ranger's cabin.

And is that a Wi-Fi router? Yeah.

Do you need the password? - You're a total fraud.

- Um, ouch? And you probably never climbed Mount Windygap by yourself.

The mountain? (chuckles) No.

It's a mountain.

Well, guess who's trying to climb that mountain in the rain by herself.

Ooh! Is it someone famous? No.

Our sister! Remember? There was three of us? One was hanging on your every lying word? Crap.

What could I do? She was staring at me with those "I want you to climb the mountain" eyes.

- We know those eyes.

- Gene, we need to get help - from grown-ups.

- I'm a - Real grown-ups.

- Gotcha.

Mr.

Frond, we need your help.

Not now, Louise.

I'm swamped.

Whatever you're thinking about doing with that banana and those plums, don't! - It's an emergency.

- Everything's an emergency! I've got six kids locked out of their cabins, another six locked in, and I have a kink in my neck 'cause I don't have my neck pillow.

You're not listening! A hermit has led Tina astray! She's going up the mountain! Damn it, Andy and Ollie, don't kiss the weasel! It's got mites! Where's the rescue party? You're lookin' at it.

- Where are you guys going? - Is it anywhere but here? Yeah, we can't take it in there anymore.

I can't stand any more songs that start at different times.

Rounds.

They're called rounds.

- What's round? - Ugh! So what are you guys doing? - Going to save Tina's life.

- What? Where is she? Trying to get to the top of Mount Windygap in the rain -by herself, thanks to Hermit the Fraud over here.

- Hi.

- Can we come with? - Sure, fine, but we're going now.

- ZEKE: Let's move! - TAMMY: Ugh.

Can we rescue someone else? Bob? Linda? You in there? You gotta open up! It's way past restaurant time.

LINDA: Teddy! We're up here, Teddy.

- Linda? I can't see you.

- We're up here.

We're up here.

Where are you, Linda? I can hear you, but I can't see you! - Look up, Teddy.

- Oh.

you're up there.

- Why didn't you just say you're up there? - She did say it.

Oh.

I get a strong whiff of vomit.

What happened there? - Vomit.

- We went to the Lucky Lizard, and then some lizards followed us home, and the whole place is trashed.

Really? I'm proud of you.

I'm so proud of you.

- Thanks, Teddy.

- You guys look weird.

- We got some color.

- Got some color.

Good for you.

So, uh, about the burger? It's gonna be a while, Teddy.

I'll wait.

Maybe down the block a little.

Kind of stinks here.

You stunk up the block, Bobby.

But I'm proud of ya! FROND: Okay, okay, Henry Haber got his nasal irrigation kit.

Check.

The Belchers.

They-they wanted something.

Where'd they go? Everything okay? You look really sweaty.

It's fine.

It's nothing.

A couple of kids were saying something about their sister going up the mountain in the rain, and something about a hermit.

Probably just messing with me, out of respect.

- Hermit? Did you say hermit? - I don't know! I-I don't have a recording of everything I've said! I'm gonna get you, hermit and/or missing kid.

(grunting) You're not gonna stop me, rain.

I'm almost there.

(rumbling) Aah! Damn it, rain, I didn't know you were gonna bring your friends, mud and rocks! Okay, okay, too steep in there to go forward, no trail anymore to go back.

Cool, cool.

So I'll just live here.

Good plan.

Help! (panting): Wait! Everyone, just wait! - So you're the Windygap Hermit? - Yes.

- Eh.

- Barely.

I've dedicated the last 14 days of my life to catching you.

Can this wait? We need to rescue my sister.

Damn it! You're right.

Listen, hermit, we'll work together to rescue this kid, but right after that, you're getting a citation for illegal camping and possible microwave taking.

- Fine.

- Great.

- Great.

- Just one more thing.

I wasn't expecting you to be so not a man.

Okay, that's it.

Let's go rescue this kid.

Oh damn you, nature.

GENE: Tina! We're here! You're gonna live! Probably! Watch your step.

The trail washed out.

- (gasping) - JOCELYN: Oh, my God! - Yeah, it does that.

- Damn! I think we did this rescue thing wrong! I'll radio this in.

Oh crap.

I'm starting to think it was a bad idea to try this alone I'm no warrior hermit like you, Martha.

Yeah, about that, Martha Right.

So Tina, look, I never reached the top of Mount Windygap alone.

I'm not really technically a hermit, I guess.

What? But all that stuff you said, it seemed so true.

That's because I was throwing a hatchet.

Everything sounds great when you're throwing a hatchet.

Look, I tried to be a real hermit, I really, really did, but it's so hard and so boring and so wet and so cold.

- So why didn't you just go home? - It's complicated.

I had my own team-building issues, and label issues.

Like when your hip brand management company expects you to run a small team and you're stuck with Brian, who undermines everything! And I'm the mean lady who told him to stop saying "Brian no likey" during meetings! That's a label! Can we talk about this later? We got to find a way down.

I don't think we can go down.

I think the only way out is up.

(sobs) I will kill you if I die out here, Fluffy-Butt! Me, too.

I don't want to die in this jacket.

Really? I think that jacket's cute.

- You do? - I'd totally die in that jacket.

Now I wanna die in it.

Oh, yay! Somebody finally ate my leftover Linguini.

(sighs) Do we have to do this? Can't we just move or something? No, no, no.

The kids cannot know this happened.

If we get busted for having people over, we'll never be able to tell them not to do dumb things like this.

And clean, and clean, and clean.

I'm cleaning, I'm cleaning.

I mean, I'm just throwing everything away.

- Is that cleaning? - No, that's a plate! I don't want to alarm anyone, but this rain is gonna wash us off the rock.

And not in a good way! Outdoor Ed, why have you forsaken us?! Oh, Outdoor Ed.

The Outdoor Ed video.

Guys, we can get to safety.

We'll have to work together.

- Fine, great, let's do it.

How? - In the video, there are these kids doing this thing where they put their hands You're talking about the four-man hoist-and-pull.

That won't work.

The rain makes it impossible.

No, not that.

It was a ropes course thing, where two people lean out and put their hands together.

- Oh, yeah.

The two-man steeple.

- Can we say "person"? Sorry, all the names are from a pamphlet Teddy Roosevelt wrote.

Oh, good, really interesting! Tina, what do we do?! You lean out towards the person across from you and grab hands.

Tammy, you and me.

On the count of three.

One, two Wait, what? What? Lean to me now! It's working! Now we sidestep.

(grunting) Come on, guys, partner up and get moving.

- Here we go.

- Here, climb on.

(all grunting) (gasping) We made it to the top of Mount Windygap! - Ah - Yeah! - Sweet.

- Wuff.

You guys, it's happening.

We're having our nature-iphanies.

- Do what? - Our epiphanies in nature.

I'm realizing you can't level up all alone, but you also can't rely on other people to make you feel the way you want to feel.

It takes both teamwork and alone stuff.

- I taught her that.

- So I don't care if people call me Fluffy-Butt or Teagle it doesn't matter.

- Teagle? - A cross between Tina and eagle.

Anyway, I know who I am.

- (bird cries) - (gasps) An eagle? Where? - Nah, it's just a crow.

- (high-pitched): Fluffy-Butt.

- Did that crow just say "Fluffy-Butt"? - What? No.

- (high-pitched): Fluffy-Butt.

- Oh, maybe.

- Even if it did, I don't mind it.

-(high-pitched): Fluffy-Butt.

Okay, that's enough.

So, uh (clears throat) hermit, is there a his-met? Ranger Carl, are you hitting on me? Yeah, he is! So, how was it? Tell us everything.

(sighs): Ah, where do I even begin? Wait.

(sniffs) It smells like beer.

And puke.

Uh, that's your mom's, uh, new, uh, new perfume.

Did you throw a party while we were out of town? Some kind of tanning party? A party? (scoffs) Us? What are you No! GENE: There's a middle-aged lady in my bed.

- Uh-oh.

- WOMAN: Ooh! Hi! Is there any Linguini left? - LINDA: Ah, crap.

- Aha! RANGER CARL: Who's that knockin' on my hole? KIDS: Who's that knockin' on my hole? RANGER CARL: Weasel, weasel, if you please'll KIDS: Weasel, weasel, if you please'll Whoo, whoo Whoo, whoo, whoo Whoo, whoo Whoo, whoo, whoo RANGER CARL: Really do it like a weasel would.

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