The Vengeance Formulation


 * (Scene: Outside Bernadette's apartment building)
 * Howard: So two years later, there’s a knock on the door, guy opens it, and there on his porch is the snail, who says, “What the heck was all that about?”
 * (Bernadette giggles for a few seconds)
 * Bernadette: I don’t really get it.
 * (Howard nods) 
 * Howard: Well, see, it took two years for the snail to… (she kisses him) not important.
 * Bernadette: Can I ask you a question?
 * Howard: Sure.
 * Bernadette: Where do you think this is going?
 * Howard: To be honest, I was hoping at least second base.
 * Bernadette: You’re so funny. You’re like a stand-up comedian.
 * Howard: A Jewish stand-up comedian, that’d be new.
 * Bernadette: Actually, I think a lot of them are Jewish.
 * Howard: No, I was just… never mind.
 * Bernadette: Look, Howard, this is our third date and we both know what that means.
 * Howard: We do?
 * Bernadette: Sex.
 * Howard: You’re kidding.
 * Bernadette: But I need to know whether you’re looking for a relationship or a one-night stand.
 * Howard: Okay, just to be clear, there’s only one correct answer, right? It’s not like chicken or fish on an airplane?
 * Bernadette: (she is now very cross) Maybe you need to think about it a little.
 * Howard: You know, it’s not unheard of for a one-night stand to turn into a relationship.
 * (Bernadette glares crossly at Howard for a second and she gives him one quick stern kiss)
 * Bernadette: (she is still very cross) Call me when you figure it out.
 * (Bernadette now opens the apartment door and walks into its corridors in a huff)
 * Howard: Three dates means sex? Who knew?
 * (He starts to leave the area)


 * (Howard enters Sheldon and Leonard's apartment)
 * Howard: Greetings, homies, homette.
 * Penny: Why are you back from your date so early?
 * Howard: In romance, as in show business, always leave them wanting more.
 * Penny: What exactly does that mean?
 * Leonard: He struck out.


 * Sheldon: What are you talking about?
 * Leonard: The cultural paradigm in which people have sex after three dates.
 * Sheldon: I see, now are we talking about date, the social interaction, or date, the dried fruit?


 * Sheldon: (about his appearance on NPR) My mother is very excited. She's convening her Bible study group to listen in and then pray for my soul.


 * Sheldon: All right. These are the talking points for my NPR interview tomorrow. I need to make sure that they're simple enough for the less educated in the audience to understand. Howard, look this over and tell me what's unclear to you.
 * Howard: Excuse me, I have a master's degree in engineering from the . It required the completion of 144 units of grad work and an original thesis.
 * Sheldon: Yes. Look this over and tell me what's unclear to you.


 * Leonard: You'd have a better shot with the three-breasted Martian hooker from.
 * Howard: Okay, now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like 20 years ago. Imagine how saggy those things would be.


 * (Scene: The Cheesecake Factory. Howard enters.)
 * Penny: Oh, gee, you’re too late. Scarlett Johansson and Wonder Woman were just in here trolling around for neurotic, little weasels.
 * Howard: Yeah, I came to talk to Bernadette. She’s working today, right?
 * Penny: Yes, but I don’t think she wants to see you.
 * Howard: Why not?
 * Penny: Come on, Howard. You hurt her feelings by not calling her all week. Plus, I’ve kind of been talkin’ some smack about ya.
 * (A stern Bernadette is walking by with a tray of two empty glasses in a completely bad mood)
 * Bernadette: (she's greeting Howard crossly) Hello, Howard.
 * (Howard starts to get her)
 * Howard: (he is quivering aggressively) Wait, Bernadette, I need to talk to you.
 * Bernadette: (she is so very cross) I can’t now, I’m working.
 * Howard: (he is rather nervous) This will only take a second. You asked me to think about where our relationship was going, and I did.
 * (Bernadette frowns at Howard for a second as he bends himself down a little bit)
 * Howard: Bernadette?
 * (Howard pulls her fingers and gets down on his knee whilst Bernadette is shocked by this)
 * Howard: (he asks Bernadette nervously) Will you marry me?
 * (Penny puts a bill carrier down in disgust)
 * Bernadette: (1st time: she's asking Howard crossly) Is this more comedy that I don’t understand?
 * Howard: No. I’m serious. I’m never going to find another girl like you who likes me and is, you know, real.
 * Bernadette: (2nd time: she's asking Howard crossly) So, this isn’t a joke?
 * Howard: (with a loud suspicion) No.
 * Bernadette: (she is so very cross again) Then you’re insane.
 * (Bernadette storms up the counter and she puts the tray down in a huff)
 * Howard: (he's crawling up to her angrily) I prefer to think of myself as quirky.
 * Bernadette: (she's slightly confused) Howard, we’ve only been on three dates. We haven’t even had sex yet.
 * Howard: (Fair enough. (aggressively) When’s your break?
 * Bernadette: (she is so very cross for the final time) Wow.
 * (Bernadette now walks away in complete fury. The sound of angry clopping of Bernadette's heels is played to Howard gazing around the Cheesecake Factory for a couple of seconds)
 * Howard: Don’t you just hate when this happens?
 * Penny: (she's very cross now) Wow.


 * Sheldon: Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.
 * Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: Now whether that propagation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question.

(Sheldon is sitting in his office ready to be interviewed via speaker phone by Ira Flatow. Meanwhile, Kripke is in the next room feeding a small hose connected to a helium tank through a hole into Sheldon's office)
 * Ira Flatow: (Over the radio) This is Ira Flatow and you're listening to NPR's "Science Friday". Joining us today by phone from his office in Pasadena, California is Dr Sheldon Cooper.

(Kripke proceeds to release helium from the gas tank)
 * Kripke: Oh, this is gonna be a riot.

(Cut to Sheldon's office)
 * Ira Flatow: (Through speaker phone) Thanks for being with us today, Dr Cooper.
 * Sheldon: My pleasure, Ira.
 * Ira Flatow: Now, let's talk about magnetic mono-poles. Can you explain to our audience just what a mono pole is?
 * Sheldon: Of course. First, consider an ordinary magnet which has, as even the most uneducated...

(Sheldon's voice gradually increases in pitch)
 * Sheldon: ...in your audience must know, two poles...

(Sheldon clears his throat, his voice is still increasing in pitch)
 * Sheldon: ...a north and south pole. If you cut that in half, you have two smaller magnets, each with it's own north and south pole.
 * Ira Flatow: Dr. Cooper, I think there might be something wrong with our connection.
 * Sheldon: No, I hear you fine. As I was saying, an ordinary magnet has two poles. The primary characteristic of a mono-pole is that it has only one pole, hence, "mono-pole".

(Cut to cafeteria where Kripke is holding a radio, Leonard, Howard, Raj and others are listening and laughing)
 * Sheldon: (Over the radio and still high pitched) A requirement for string theory, or M-theory if you will, is the existence of such mono-poles. I myself led and expedition to the Arctic Circle in search of said particles. KRIPKE, I FOUND THE NOZZLE. I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

(Sheldon lies on his bed, humiliated)
 * Leonard: Are you willing to admit defeat?
 * Sheldon: I never admit defeat.
 * Leonard: Good.
 * Sheldon: However, on an unrelated topic, I'm never getting out of this bed again.


 * Mrs. Wolowitz: HOWARD!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!
 * Howard: I'm taking a bath!
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: I HOPE THAT'S ALL YOU'RE DOING! WE SHARE THAT TUB!
 * Howard: Please don't remind me!


 * Penny: Hey, here’s your tip from table seven.
 * Bernadette: Oh, thanks.
 * Penny: Mm-hmm.
 * Howard (on the stage, into a microphone): Testing. Check. Check two.
 * Bernadette: Oh, now what?
 * Penny: You want me to throw him out?
 * Bernadette: (still upset) No, that’s okay.
 * Penny: Are you sure? He’s small. I bet I can get a nice, tight spiral on him.
 * Howard: I want to dedicate this number to a great gal who I’ve done wrong. (To the tune of the Four Tops song Bernadette) Bernadette, I am so sorry for trying to propose to you, Bernadette, you found it creepy but that’s just the kind of thing I do. I know now it was too soon to talk of love. It was just a crazy idea that came to me in my tub. But, Bernadette, give me one more chance, sweet Bernadette, I’ll get the hang of this thing they call romance, sweet Bernadette, I dream to once again kiss your lips, sweet Bernadette. Sincerely yours, Howard Wolowitz, Bernadette…
 * Penny: Oh, I am so sorry.
 * Bernadette: Are you kidding? That’s the most romantic thing anyone’s ever done for me.
 * Howard:' (still singing) …Bernadette! Thank you, Cheesecake Factory!