Secondhand Spoke

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ Is violence in movies and s*x on TV ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ All the things that make us ♪ ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 12x15 ♪ Secondhand Spoke Original Air Date on March 30, 2014

Okay, Brian, here we are.

Hey, thanks for fitting in the ride to school in between your texts.

Totally, Chris, totally.

I'm sure it'll all work itself out.

And good luck on that thing.

You know, that was a stroller, not a speed bump.

Uh-oh. This looks like trouble.

I'll know they're bullies if they use my full name.

Well, look who it is.

Chris Griffin.

Oh, boy.

Hey, fat ass.

Your boobs are bigger than your sister's.

Oh, yeah? Well... you have a sister as well.

That's your comeback?

(bullies laugh)

Oh, man!

Oh, my God. Poor Chris.

He's a social outcast like Scarface.

Okay, we have a deal.

You bring the money, I get you the coke.

You got it, Scarface.

Oh, my God!

You can see that?

The doctor said you wouldn't be able to!

Yes, everyone can see that.

That's why we call you Scarface.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! "We"?

Well, I have officially seen every video ever on YouTube.

Got to say, there's not a bad one.

I need these shipping invoices filed immediately.

I'll be right back.

There she goes again.

How come she always skips out when there's work to do?

She's just taking a smoke break.

A deaf person smoking.

That's-that's weird.

Why is that weird?

That... I mean, there's no reason that that's weird, but it-it-it is weird, right?

Yes, Griffin, it's weird.

Wait, so you mean to tell me, if I ever want to get out of something, all I got to do is take a smoke break?

Well, I suppose.

But you don't smoke.

Well, actually I do.

All right, Griffin.

You're clearly a smoker.

Enjoy your break.

Wow, I can use smoking to get out of anything.

Finally, I'm above the law like my 14th century ancestor King of Denmark Griffin.

More wine! More women!

More table!

(laughing)

(groaning)

I'm having a heart attack!

Is anyone at the table a doctor?

I am!

Come here! Hurry! Run!

"But the very far-away doctor couldn't make it in time."

And that's why here in Denmark we have very small tables.

Okay, Stewie, time to change your diaper.

Ooh! Oh, smoke break!

Well, this is how Scott Caan was raised, and he turned out okay.

Hey, Dad, want to hear a story about my day at school?

It's about my hot friend Melissa.

Okay.

She didn't wear a bra to school today.

Okay.

And someone spilled water all over her white shirt.

Okay.

And it was cold, so you could see everything.

Okay.

Then she left and I realized I was all alone...

Smoke break!

Hey, Chris?

I-I wanted to talk about what happened at school...

Is that a dead gerbil in there?

That's a fur fish.

It's a weird species.

You put them in there, and they swim like hell for, like, 30 seconds, and then they go to sleep.

This joker still hasn't woken up.

Get up, lazy!

You know, the way those kids were picking on you today in school.

You really got to stand up for yourself.

Stewie, it's not so easy.

What would you say if I said, "Hey there, shorty"?

I'd say, "Have another doughnut, you albino gorilla."

Oh, yeah? Well... you have a sister as well.

Oh, Stewie, I-I could never come up with stuff like you do.

Of course not. You're sweet and simple.

But even you could learn enough to outsmart those cretins at your school.

And they'll respect you for it.

In fact, I'll teach you how.

Why would you do that for me?

I'm your brother, Chris.

We're a team and we've got to look out for each other.

Like Owl and Costello.

I mean the fellow's name on first base.

Who. The fellow playing first base.

Who. The guy on first base.

Who. I'm asking you who's on first!

Who. That's what I'm asking you!

Nothing will ever be funnier than misunderstandings.

All right, Chris, here they come.

Now, remember what we practiced.

Now, what are you gonna call the one in the middle?

Isosceles triangle?

What?! Come on, Chris!

We worked on this all night.

I know! I also had a geometry test!

Well, how'd that go?

Hey, look who it is.

Dorky Pig.

Go on, Chris. It's now or never.

Let them have it.

Nice muscles.

What, do you belong to a gym?

Oh, for God's sake, Chris.

Here, put me on your back and repeat what I say.

Quick! Here they come!

You're even uglier up close, Griffin.

Okay, now say... (indistinct whispering)

I heard you were born out of your mom's butt.

I heard that from your mom while I was doing her.

You're a butt baby.

That's why you've got moles all over your chest.

Leftover birth dook.

(all laughing)

Oh, man! Griffin schooled him!

I can't believe I'm moving tomorrow, and I won't get to see how this works out.

Wow, Stewie, we're gonna work perfectly together.

Like Sherlock Holmes and Watson.

Watson, a clue!

The intruder has tracked in a red clay, which can only be found near London's homosexual bathhouse.

Amazing, Holmes.

How did you know that?

Just from, like, books and stuff.

Your turn.

You know, Peter, it's so nice that after all these years we've been together, we can still... Smoke break!

What? Peter, what are you doing down there?

Nothing.

Well, it doesn't seem like nothing.

(coughing)

Peter, since when are you a smoker?

Put that out right now!

Smoking is highly addictive.

I'm not addicted.

I just need a couple every hour or so, so I don't go completely insane.

Peter, that's exactly what addicted means.

You have a serious problem.

Cigarettes will kill you.

Relax, Lois. I can quit any time I want.

Look, I'll toss this one out right now.

I'm so sorry I threw you out the window!

Hey, man, can you keep it down?

Sorry. Wait, whose bedroom are you in?

Meg's.

Okay, that's fine then.

Where's Dad?

Your father got up early and went for a run.

Ah, nothing like an after-run mint to get rid of that jogger's breath.

Okay, now sit down and have some breakfast.

I made your favorite-- waffles and...

Hey, uh, did anybody get the paper today?

Ah, nothing like an after-paper mint to get rid of that paper-getting breath.

You know, I feel like these waffles could use a little fresh air. Come on, boys.

Peter, sit down.

You need your breakfast.

Oh, Peter, I meant to tell you.

Remember my cousin Sylvia's husband Robert? Well...

Does this story have an end?!

Peter, I just started.

Oh, Meg's out of milk. I'll get you a carton.

Hey, good story, Lois.

You wrapped it up nicely.

I know it's technically not illegal, but it seemed wrong when your music teacher wrapped a trash bag around his waist so he could change pants.

Boy: Hey, Jew-bacca!

Passover's stupid and I'm gonna prove it by breaking your nose.

Hey!

Why don't you pick on someone your own religion who can fight for themselves?

And you're not so tough.

You frequently opt out of swim class because of your gross microcephalic pen1s.

It's not gross!

It's special.

I can use it to reset my cable box.

Hey, Chris, what you did there for that sweaty Jew?

That was really nice.

Back away, foul wench!

Your wide hips hold no temptation for me!

Uh... I mean... you have... a-a vulva... and fallopian tubes.

Finally! A guy who listens!

Here's my number. Call me.

♪

Peter, when'd you start smoking?

Well, you know, at first it was a way to get out of work, but then I discovered it's a delightful habit that has lots of benefits. Yeah? Like what?

Like I get to punctuate tough conversations by ashing a cigarette.

Joe, your marriage is over.

Oh, please. Bonnie and I are stronger than ever.

Your marriage... is over.

(sizzling)

(sighs): Well, now that you say it with the cigarette...

♪

God, there's, like, no one hot at this school this year.

Okay, students, take your seats.

First off, we have a new rule: no more asking the gym teachers if they went to college.

They did not.

Next, it's time for nominations for student body president.

As of now, we have the perpetually upbeat black kid running unopposed.

Come on, yo, this is gonna be a great year for all of us!

Surely there's another student who'd like to throw his hat in the ring.

I nominate Chris Griffin!

(cheering and applause)

Chris, they love you.

I'm a better coach than God.

Come on, you're getting crucified out there!

Jesus: I know. It's a crucifixion.

Well, yeah, I know.

But that doesn't mean you should stop trying.

Dad, you're not the coach!

(passes gas)

(gasps) Peter, your fart didn't go off until 8:30.

Get up. We're late!

(gasps) What the hell?!

What? What? What?! Peter, i-it's horrible!

Stewie: Other people live here!

Oh, my God!

How did this happen?!

It's from smoking!

It's not that bad.

Peter, you can't live like this.

I'm taking you to Dr. Hartman.

No! I hate the doctor!

Are you sure?

There are Cheez-Its in there.

Cheez-Its?!

Huh? W-Wait. What's going on?

I'm scared! I'm scared!

Oh, it's nighttime.

Good night.

Mr. Griffin, I'm gonna need to ask you a few questions.

Do you think I can jump and touch that pipe up there?

I don't know. The hell I can't!

There, got it.

Yeah, I guess your fingertips grazed it.

Yeah, that counts as a dunk.

Dr. Hartman, we're here for you to help Peter quit smoking.

Mrs. Griffin, I can't do that. It's an addiction.

I can't even get my son to quit being gay.

Well, you got to do something! He's killing himself!

(groans) All right, how many Vicodins for you guys to just leave me alone?

Forty.

Well, it's too bad Dr. Hartman couldn't help us.

I guess we should go to the Stop Smoking Clinic and then maybe get a couple bottles of wine.

Oh, hey, Stewie. Ready to go to school?

Well, actually, Chris, I've got good news.

Aw, I'll take the bad news first.

No. What? There is no bad news.

Oh, all right. Then give me the good news first.

(sighs) The good news is, I've taught you everything you need to know to fend for yourself.

So from now on, you can go to school without me.

What are you talking about?

I'm running for class president.

I need you!

What are you doing?

You're coming to school with me whether you like it or not!

Let me out! You can't keep me in here forever!

I have too many plans for the future!

I'll never win a Nobel Prize!

I'll never be a member of Parliament!

I'll never get to express disappointment with young people while putting in my dentures!

Stupid younger generation.

Back in my day, we had Katy Perry, Justin Bieber.

That was real music.

(slurping sounds)

Lois, why do all the people in here look like Emperor Palpatine?

Because they're all heavy smokers, Peter.

I'm gonna sign you in.

Would the driver of a 1978 Camaro please move your car?

(others coughing)

Man, how the hell am I gonna quit smoking?

I wish smoking could just quit me instead.

Thank you for meeting me here.

I have something very important to tell you.

I have something important to tell you, too.

Peter, I think we should see other people.

(tearfully): Okay.

Uh, good, that's what I was gonna say, too.

Excuse me, I'm Mr. Stone with the ad agency of Anderson, Wheeler and Thirdname.

And I think you'd be perfect for our new anti-smoking campaign.

Me? You'd want me on TV?

Even though I'm hideous?

Sure. Have you seen Boardwalk Empire?

It's just a crap-fest of faces.

There is one catch: if you're gonna be our spokesman, you have to keep smoking.

We need you to stay wrinkled and sickly.

But my wife brought me here to quit smoking.

(chuckles) Wives, huh?

O-Okay, now I'm on your side!

Oh, this is awesome!

I'm gonna be on TV!

But no more talk of quitting, right?

You got it. So, um, does somethin' like this pay a lot of money?

What do you think a lot of money is?

I-I don't want to say. I'm embarrassed.

Announcer: And now a word from the American Lung Association.

Oh, hey, hey, guys! Here comes one of my TV spots!

Hi, Peter Griffin, sickly smoker.

This is your heart.

This is your heart on cigarettes.

Any questions?

Yeah, where'd you get that heart?

Hey, Peter, now that you're a celebrity, could I get a picture of you to put on the wall?

Sure, here you go.

Thanks, man.

I'll put you up next to these black celebrities who are just confusing strangers to you.

Who's Marlin Johnson?

Oh, come on, man. Stand-up comedian?

He got that whole thing about the "Oh-Ee-Oh-Ee-Hey-Yo."

(laughing): I can't even get through it.

Black Man: Hey! You talkin' 'bout Marlin Johnson?

You know it! Oh-Ee-Oh-Ee-Hey-Yo!

(chuckles) That's right.

Hey, Lois.

Peter, I saw your ad on TV, and I got to say, I'm glad you're finally doing the right thing.

Yeah, it feels good to be helping people.

Peter, what are you doing?! I thought you quit!

Hey, if George Michael doesn't have to give up butts, why should I?

I'm serious. You have to stop smoking!

Have you looked in the mirror? You look terrible.

Eh, what do you care?

It's not like you have to look at my face when we have s*x.

Not since we started role-playing.

Peter, I'm ready.

Okay, now put on yours.

Wow, isn't it weird that we both picked Mario Lopez?

Yes, Peter. It's very weird.

Yeah, it shows that we both go Latino but soft Latino.

Day five of my imprisonment inside Chris' backpack.

Feces and the buildup thereof continues to be my number one problem.

I think a teacher saw me the other day but said nothing.

I waved and he looked away.

This could be my chance to escape this canvas cage!

(grunting)

(toilet flushes)

That sounds like an open door. Which way is out?

Student: God, I love walking in the hall!

There! That way!

Must escape!

(slurred): Must... escape.

Mu... (mumbling)

You're gonna die in there.

Welcome back, Mr. Griffin!

You look terrible!

Thanks, man named Sandy!

Oh, hey, uh, you know, I don't know if you're the guy to talk to about this, but when I went to my trailer this morning, there was a hairy naked guy in it.

We don't provide trailers.

We're just next door to a trailer park.

Ah.

That would explain the violent lovemaking that followed.

Listen, Peter, we need to talk.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but we no longer need your services.

Wait... What?

How could you do that?!

Well, I went to a NASCAR event and realized you're just an average-looking man.

Please! I'll do anything to keep my job!

N-Name anything you want and I'll do it!

Touch your toes.

Please give me something else!

I'm sorry, Peter, it's over.

(creepily): Why are your eyes crying, Peter?

They fired me, Larry!

Come on. Let's go kidnap my neighbor's dog and tell them we don't have it.

Good morning, students.

First of all, I don't care what the courts say, let's thank the Christian god together.

Now then, we're here today for the presidential candidate debate.

Okay, remember, people think I'm smart now.

So it's got to be clever and it's got to pop.

I'm done! I'm not saying another word.

You can't hold me prisoner in here forever!

Why not? Name one person who loves you.

Wow. Not a proportional response.

All right, let's begin with an opening statement from the perpetually upbeat black kid.

Thanks for letting me go first.

I got an hour-and-a-half drive home after this.

You're not getting it, Chris, are you?

You were being bullied day in and day out, so I tried to help you.

I tried to be a good brother.

And you've repaid me with abuse.

You're the bully, Chris Griffin.

Oh, my God. You're right.

Principal Shepherd: And now an opening statement from our second candidate, the King of the Zingers, Chris Griffin.

(cheering and applause)

Go easy on me, Chris.

My sister has M.S.

I'm worried what you're gonna do with that.

I'm out. I'm not running.

And neither is she.

I knew you'd have something.

No, you don't understand.

I'm dropping out of the election.

(murmuring)

I'm a big fraud, and I've treated people terribly.

Much like Jeff Zucker when he ran NBC.

I'm sorry, Stewie.

Can you forgive me?

Well, I may no longer be on your back, but I'll always be on your side.

(sighs) All right, this election is postponed. Go back to class.

Oh, and another thing, stop making fun of teachers who don't have cars.

Life's not as easy as you think it's gonna be right now.

You know, Chris, what you did on that stage took a lot of guts.

Thanks, Stewie.

And thanks to you, I'm no longer getting bullied.

Well, that's great.

I guess we put those bullies in their place, huh?

Yeah. Two of them shot themselves.

Oh, that's so good to hear, Chris.

Are they done? They're-they're all done?

Okay, all right, let's finish ours.

Well, I finally quit smoking and I'm ready to go back to normal!

Peter, that's not how it works.

The damage you've done is irreversible.

Yeah, Lois is right. As bad as you look, the damage you've done to your heart and your lungs is, no doubt, exponentially worse. What?!

Well, try cuttin' to the outside of the house over some music.

That usually works.

(bleep)