Malled

(opening theme song)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(everyone is seated around the kitchen table, except for Jake, who's in mid-rant)

Jake - A hundred miles? To go to a mall? Dammit, there's a mall five minutes away!

Helen - Sit down, dear. We're not going.

Jake - Ohhhhh. Oh. (sits in chair)

Quinn - It's not a mall, it's a super mall! The Mall of the Millennium. Shop there forever!

Daria - If you play that John Lennon song backwards, it says, "Imagine all the people, browsing in a mall." Isn't that weird?

Helen - It's too far away, Quinn, and you've done enough shopping for this quarter.

Quinn - Muh-om! As vice president of the Fashion Club, I need to know what's out there!

Jake - Vice president? Did you know she was vice president, Helen?

Helen - Yes, Jake.

Jake - Of the Fashion Club!

Helen - Yes, Jake. Vice president of the Fashion Club.

Jake - Do you think this tie works? (holds tie out for Quinn's inspection)

Quinn - Hmmm. (holds tie in hand) It's nice, Daddy, but I think a mandarin collar would really set off your strong jaw line. Now, if you drive me to the Mall of the Millennium...

Helen - No more malls until you bring up your grade point average.

Jake - Exactly. What's wrong with her grade point average?

Quinn - How will I hold my head up in the Fashion Club?

Daria - A traction pulley?

Quinn - Just because you're not interested in what's new and attractive and popular...

Daria - Oh, I'm interested. But why go a mere 100 miles away? I bet they have some fascinating malls in Southeast Asia.

Jake - Southeast Asia? To go to a mall? Dammit!

Helen - Sit down, dear. It was a joke.

Jake - Ohhhhh. Oh.

(at Lawndale High School)

(in Economics class, Mrs. Bennett is drawing one of her infamous incomprehensible diagrams)

Mrs. Bennett - In economics, we call this flow. We have a scenario of supply and demand, where a new demand is created by a previous supply. Does everyone follow? (pause) Can anyone give me a concrete representation of this abstract theory? (long pause, then sigh) Daria?

Daria - If we're talking concrete, I'd have to go with that repository of human greed and debasement: the mall.

Mrs. Bennett - Very good, Daria. The mall is a very beautiful illustration of all these economic principles. In fact, it would make for an excellent field trip.

Kevin - All right! Field trip! (leans over to Daria) Where are we going, man?

Daria - The field.

Kevin - Cool.

Mrs. Bennett - We'll visit that brand new Mall of the Millennium. It's a perfect emblem of a modern day economic structure.

Daria - Um, I think that's a really bad idea.

Mrs. Bennett - Don't be silly, Daria. It's your idea and it's perfect.

Jane - I second Daria. The mall is a dangerous influence on today's teens and the fluorescent lights give you seizures.

Mrs. Bennett - We'll take a vote. All in favor of a class trip to the mall next Friday instead of our usual surprise quiz?

(everyone but Daria and Jane cheer)

Mrs. Bennett - All opposed?

(Daria and Jane raise their hands)

Brittany - This is great! Kevin and I love going to the mall during school. (Mrs. Bennett frowns) I mean, between classes. I mean... what do I mean, babe?

Kevin - What's the difference, babe? You look hot.

Daria - I'm sorry, Mrs. Bennett. I can't go to the mall. I have a skin condition.

Mrs. Bennett - What are you talking about, Daria?

Daria - If I'm in an enclosed space for too long, I get hives.

Mrs. Bennett - But you're in an enclosed space now.

Daria - Yes... and I'm really itchy?

Jane - These hives get bad, Mrs. Bennett, I've seen them. They drip with puss.

(class reacts with revulsion and Daria glares at Jane)

Jane - Just trying to help.

(on the school bus)

Kevin - (sings) Seventy eight bottles of beer on the wall, seventy eight bottles of beer! If one of those bottles should happen to fall, seventy-seven bottles of...

Brittany - Babe? That's a really cute song and all, but do you think you could stop for a while?

Kevin - Sorry, babe. We always sing that song on the team bus. It makes us fierce!

Brittany - You're not on the team bus now. I'm not your teammate. I'm your girlfriend! We talked about the difference, remember?

Kevin - Sorry...

Brittany - Would you rather do what we do... with your teammates?

Kevin - Blah!

Brittany - All right, then.

(Kevin starts humming the song, and Brittany hits him)

(Mrs. Bennett stands in front of the bus, lecturing the students)

Mrs. Bennett - Sealed in glass though it may be, in its own way the mall can be viewed as a living organism.

Kevin - Mack Daddy, did you hear what Mrs. B just called the mall?

Mack - She said "organism." That's not the same as "orgasm." And stop me calling that, okay?

Kevin - Babe, did you hear what Mrs. B called the mall?

Brittany - Yeah...

(Kevin and Brittany start to make out; Jodie and Mack endure the uncomfortable noises as best they can)

Jodie - Do you think it would dishonor Dr. King's memory if I went to sit in the back of the bus?

Mack - At least he's not singing.

(Kevin hums song while making out with Brittany)

(Upchuck approaches a seat with two girls)

Upchuck - Hey, sweet baby, how'd you like to spend some do-re-me, huh? I need some models for this... um...

(girl crosses arms and looks away)

Upchuck - Sorry.

(Upchuck goes to Jane and Daria)

Upchuck - Ladies! Are you aware of the advantages of a gold card? (he shows them a credit card) Very advantageous when it belongs to your father. Dad wants me to pick up some bikinis for his secretary. (short laugh) But I need a couple of models. The two of you are about her size. What do you say, gals?

Jane - Upchuck, are you aware that many therapists now accept credit cards? (pause) Daria?

Daria - I feel sick. Can someone open a window?

(Jane attempts to open window and fails)

Upchuck - Allow me, fair maiden.

(Upchuck reaches past and grunts while trying to open window, but also fails; he continues to try through Daria and Jane's conversation)

Jane - I didn't know you got car sick.

Daria - I don't, usually. It's the fumes. It smells like... it smells like...

Jane - Teen spirit?

Daria - Cheap perfume.

Jane - Brittany must be working up a sweat.

Mrs. Bennett - The modern day mall evolved when shopkeepers, a.k.a. merchants, discovered the benefits to joining economic forces. (bus hits rough spot on road and jostles Mrs. Bennett) Um, where was I?

(pan to Kevin and Brittany, who are now decidedly mussed up)

Brittany - Mrs. B! Mrs. B!

Mrs. Bennett - What, Brittany?

Brittany - Do you mind if we do a cheer?

Mrs. Bennett - Um, go ahead, Brittany.

Kevin - Hey! How about a hundred bottles of... (Brittany hits him)

(Brittany stands at front of bus with pom poms)

Brittany - Okay everybody, let's make it a keeper! (chants) "Where are we going? The mall! What are we spending? Money! Money! Mall! Mall! Money! Mall! Mall! Money! Go class!" (leaps up and lands doing a split)

Kevin - Yeah!

(at the Mall of the Millennium)

(parking lot tram pulls away from school bus)

Announcer (VO) - Welcome to the Mall of the Millennium, the world's second or third largest mall...

(pan to Kevin and Brittany; Brittany suddenly reacts)

Brittany - Kevin, not now, okay?

Kevin - Not now what, babe?

(Brittany turns and scowls at a leering Upchuck, who's obviously copped a feel)

(pan to Daria and Jane; Daria is very, very green around the gills)

Daria - I think I'm going to be sick.

Jane - Um, could it possibly wait?

(tram stops at front of Mall, accompanied by various "ooohs!" and "aaahs!" as passengers begin exiting the tram)

Daria - I know I'm going to be sick.

(she then doubles over and vomits onto the pavement, with Jane looking on dispassionately)

Jane - Bienvenidos a la Mall of the Millennium.

(at the Mall of the Millennium)

(Mrs. Bennett is trying to read a map while addressing the class; kids can be heard screaming as cars from the indoor rollercoaster speed past them)

Mrs. Bennett - We're in area B, section Pink, and we need to get to area C, section Orange. So, if we just bear right at area L, section Blue... oh, wait, sorry. Wrong level.

Kevin - Look, Mack Daddy! The Sports Shorts! A whole store full of shorts for sports!

Mack - Uh-huh.

(Mrs. Bennett walks with class while reading the map)

Mrs. Bennett - Everyone, we'll walk down R Moss, and turn right at Q Canary. Please keep the flow, people, please keep the flow.

Brittany - Who would ever guess there'd be so many colors? The person who thought them all up must be a genius.

Jane - Yeah, and we haven't even gotten to puke green yet. (glances at Daria, who still looks queasy) Oh, yeah.

Mrs. Bennett - Left at N Cranberry. Wait, is that cranberry or magenta? Jane, you're an artist.

Jane - It's cranapple.

Upchuck - Mrs. B? Can we please stop for a minute at Bikini Island? I'd like to buy a few trifles for the ladies, and perhaps you'd care to pick out something for yourself?

Mrs. Bennett - Not now, Charles. We'll be late for our meeting with the mall executives. I had to work very hard to arrange this. These are very important, very busy... oh, oh, oooooh!

Upchuck - What is it, Mrs. B?

(Mrs. Bennett runs to a storefront and looks in)

Mrs. Bennett - The Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee-Bit Shop! Herbert and I collect Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits! Aren't they adorable? Look, a Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits cactus! And look at that little bunny rabbit with its own Fuzzy Wuzzy carrot! (laughs)

(in a conference room, three mall executives talk to the students gathered around large table; one wall of the room is mirrored)

Executive - And of course, when you go to the mall, you look for what?

Upchuck - Bikinis! Make that lovely, luscious, ladies in bikinis!

Kevin - Yeah... (Brittany hits him) Ow!

Upchuck - (growls) Feisty!

Jane - I always look for security guards leading away someone in handcuffs. Shoplifters are the best judges of merchandise.

Executive - I meant more along the line of the qualities you look for? The stores? What should they be like?

(Brittany isn't paying attention; instead, she's posing in front of the mirrored wall)

Brittany - Perky... a little bouncy... not too bouncy...

Executive - What?

Brittany - (jolted back to reality) What?

Jodie - I have a question. Do you think our demographic can really be addressed by middle-aged middle managers telling us what's fun to buy?

(the executives are silent; they obviously never expected to deal with a kid in possession of a functioning brain)

Executive - How about you? How many times a year do you go to the mall?

Daria - Don't people usually get paid for participating in market research?

Executive (in strangled voice) - Research?

Mrs. Bennett - Now, Daria, these busy executives have been nice enough to give their time to help educate us on mall economics. Tell us about flow, would you?

Executive - Okay.

Daria - I bet that's a two-way mirror.

Jane - You mean, if you turn out the lights you can see through it?

(Jane reaches back toward a light switch)

Executive - Oh, you don't want to do that.

(Jane turns off the lights; with the room darkened, three observers can be seen through the two-way mirrored wall)

(the executive turns the lights back on amidst murmuring from the students, who have begun to realize what's going on)

Executive - The focus group is, um, a very important tool in mall management. We thought that with this live demonstration... (nervous laugh)

Jodie - I feel used. I feel abused. I feel that this is not a fun mall after all and the media should be made aware of it.

Executive - All right, little lady. (reaches into vest pocket) Here's a coupon for a free frozen yogurt.

Jodie - Don't insult me.

Executive - (reaches into pocket again) Make it a ten dollar merchandise coupon?

Jane - You're still insulting her.

(executive holds up two handfuls of coupons)

Executive - Okay, a twenty dollar merchandise coupon for everyone in the class.

Daria - You don't get it. There's a principle involved.

Jodie - No, there isn't. (joins other students in getting coupons)

Daria - So much for idealistic youth.

Jane - That's twenty bucks! (goes and gets her own coupon)

(students in mall corridor, looking at coupons)

Kevin - Books By the Ton. "The country's biggest bookstore?" Aw, man!

Upchuck - The Sports Shorts?

Kevin - Aww!

Jane - Scissor Wizard. I can actually use a new pair of scissors. Here, I got one for you. (hands coupon to Daria)

Daria - The Doo Dad Shop. Oh, good. I've always wanted my own doo dad.

Mrs. Bennett - Daria and Jane, you'll observe traffic patterns at the food concessions, and Kevin and Brittany, you will study and report back on shrinkage.

Kevin - What's shrinkage?

Mrs. Bennett - Shrinkage is the retailing term for shoplifting. I'd like you to analyze its economic impact. Does everyone else understand their assignments? (various murmurs of assent) Now, we'll meet back here at quarter to three. Remember, area F, section Moss, level three. Got it? F Moss Three.

Kevin - I know a good way to remember that.

Mrs. Bennett - You have a mnemonic device, Kevin?

Kevin - It's not an S&M thing, Mrs. B. It's just a way to remember that.

Mrs. Bennett - Let's hear it.

Kevin - Fmossthree. Fmossthree! Get it? Fmossthree! Or was it Fmosstwo?

Mrs. Bennett - Everyone, write it down!

(at the food court, Daria and Jane stand and observe the crowd)

Jane - Traffic patterns at the food concessions.

Daria - Hmm. I've noticed a pattern. People walk in looking hungry.

Jane - And leave, stuffing their face.

Daria - Assignment completed.

Jane - Now, for extra credit, let's experience the traffic pattern for ourselves.

(the Fashion Club and a boy are seated at a food court table)

Quinn - I know! A makeover project! We'll find some hideously out of style nobody and make her look as good as us. (pausing at a glare from Sandi) Almost.

Sandi - That's so great, Quinn. I wish I'd had such a brilliant idea. You guys should impeach me and make Quinn president!

Quinn - Oh, Sandi, I never would have had that idea if it weren't for you. You said, "the Fashion Club should do more for the community." You're a great leader.

Sandi - That's 'cause you guys are such great leadettes.

Stacy - So we'll find, like, a loser poster girl, to show that we really, like, do stuff for people.

Tiffany - But if we do posters, shouldn't we be on them?

Sandi - We can have a fundraiser to buy her makeup.

Stacy - Cool, a party!

Guy - Can I come?

Quinn - Listen, um, guy, why don't you just wait in the car for us?

Guy - But you said if I drove you I could hang out with you.

Quinn - Oh, all right! But don't try to participate, okay? We're in the middle of a meeting.

Stacy - Look! They'd be perfect! (points to two girls, one in green and one in red; you can't see their faces, but they look very familiar...)

Tiffany - Wow, you're right. They need help.

(Fashion Club begins walking over to the mystery girls)

Quinn - Especially the one on the left. She really needs volumizer. And maybe some subtle streaks.

Sandi - And a little skort set. Have you seen the new skorts? Really cute.

Stacy - Is it a skirt or is it shorts? I love that.

Tiffany - I wonder if they make skorts for sports!

(Quinn taps the girl in green on the shoulder; she turns around, and to no one's surprise except Quinn's, it's Daria)

Quinn - Aaaaahhh!

Daria - (smirks) Good to see you, too.

(Daria, Jane, and Fashion Club in mall food court)

Daria - Well. What an unexpected opportunity for sibling bonding.

Quinn - I'm going to be sick.

Jane - Is that, like, a family thing?

Quinn (to Fashion Club) - Just one sec, guys. I'm interviewing our first makeover candidate.

(Daria, Jane, and Quinn walk away from rest of Fashion Club)

Daria - I'm sure Mom and Dad will be really pleased to hear I ran into you. Here at the mall. On this lovely school day.

Quinn - Okay, state your terms.

Daria - It's weird. I can't think of anything I'd want... from you.

Quinn - (half-heartedly) How about a free makeover?

Daria - No, thanks... but, I wouldn't mind taking it easy around the house for a month.

Quinn - A month?!?

Jane - I'd hold out for cold cash.

Daria - Or you can just never set foot inside a mall for the rest of your sorry adolescent life. And a ride home from your little friend would be great. Jane and I really aren't in the mood to take the bus back.

Quinn - Ugh! Fine! Meet us in an hour on level five, area D, section Lavender.

Daria - You got that?

Jane - Dlavenderfive. Dlavenderfive. Nothing to it.

(Fashion Club and guy walk away)

Guy - Who was that girl?

Quinn - Look, you were hired to drive, not speak, okay?

(Daria and Jane walk through the mall)

Jane - You got us a ride home. Cool.

Daria - No, I blew it. I should've made them drive Upchuck home.

(they stop in front of Scissor Wizard)

Jane - Hey, look. I can use my coupon.

(they enter Scissor Wizard, and discover it's a hair salon)

Hairdresser - You got here just in time. (looks at Daria) You're almost in time.

Jane - I've got this coupon. (hairdresser leads her to a chair) But I just wanted a pair of scissors.

Hairdresser - We don't sell scissors, we cut hair. Which show?

Jane - What?

Hairdresser - Which TV show do you want your style from? Most of our clients go for a sitcom. Although, you're more the "movie of the week" type. I have a TV Guide if you want to browse.

Jane - Have you ever seen Sick, Sad World?

Hairdresser - No.

Daria - How about Animal Maulings on home video?

Jane - Yeah, I'd love to have hair like that woman who was molested by the kangaroo.

Daria - Really? She looks so every day.

Jane - I mean, after she was molested.

Daria - Ohhhh.

Jane - Make sure you get, like, the big clods of dirt and stuff in it.

Hairdresser - Listen, um, maybe you girls should come back another time. My next appointment's here.

Jane - What about my coupon? (hairdresser hands her a can) Mousse?

Daria - Hey, how about that guy who was trampled by the moose?

Jane - Nah, his hair was too bloody.

(outside the Scissor Wizard)

Jane - Nice of her to buy that coupon back for cash. Let's do yours next.

Daria - I'm really not in the market for a doo dad.

Jane - Come on. Let's at least find out what a doo dad is.

(Daria and Jane stand in front of the Doo Dad Shop)

Jane - What is this stuff?

Daria - Who would buy such crappy, useless junk?

(Brittany and Kevin come out of the store)

Kevin - Fmossthree. Fmossthree. (sings) Hundred bottles of beer on the wall... hundred bottles of beer...

Brittany - Did you see the cute little thingy with the cute thingy?

Kevin - I got it for you, babe.

Brittany - Oh, Kev, this is the first cute thingy that you've bought me since... wait... you didn't steal this, did you?

Kevin - It was shrinkage, babe!

(Brittany angrily drags Kevin back into the store)

(Jane walks into the store, followed by Daria; a bell goes off and the staff rushes up to Daria, giving her a bundle of balloons)

Staff - (singing) When your feeling bad or mad or sad, buy a doo dad! You'll feel glad! It's not too sad, to buy a doo dad, today!

Jane - What are you doing to my friend?

(store manager has given Daria an armload of merchandise)

Manager - You're our lucky ten-thousandth customer. All these doo dads are yours for free! (pause) Don't you get it? You're our winner!

Daria (shocked) - Winner?

Jane - You know, it's not a word for loser.

Photographer - On three, everyone... "I love doo dads!" One... two... three...

Staff - I love doo dads!

(photographer takes picture)

(guy drives car, carrying Daria, Jane and Fashion Club; car stops at Lane house and Jane exits front, then stops at Morgendorffer house; Daria exits front)

Daria - Thanks for the ride, um, guy.

(Quinn exits and has difficulty walking after sitting in the cramped back seat with the rest of the Fashion Club)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Jake, Helen, and Daria area seated at the kitchen table, with Quinn picking up dirty plates)

Helen - Thank you, sweetheart. You've become so considerate these past couple of weeks.

Daria - And I bet she stays that way for another couple of weeks.

Jake - That was delicious. Anyone else want a cup of coffee?

Quinn - Let me, Dad. (sighs) Let me.

Jack - Should we tell them?

Helen - Lets.

Jake - Girls...

Helen - I was a little hard on you the other day, Quinn, so Dad and I thought it would be fun to take you to a movie at the new Super Mega Multiplex. And Daria, after the movie we'll stop at Books By the Ton. It's the biggest bookstore in the country.

Jake - You know, at the Mall of the Millennium.

(both girls definitely look less than enthused)

Daria - (flatly) Great.

Quinn - (flatly) Yeah, great.

(Daria and Quinn exit)

Helen - Did you think they'd be more excited?

Jake - Oh, you know Daria, she loves to act cool. Once we're there, wait until you see her face then!

(cut to the Doo Dad Shop, which has a large poster in the front window of Daria as the 10,000th customer)

(closing credits)