A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer

Sorry. It's okay, Alan. I don't have to have an orgasm every time we make love. I did my best. It's just that my sinuses are blocked and I needed my mouth for breathing. Don't worry about it. You were great. A for effort. Yeah. But on my report card, it's still gonna say, "Incomplete. " Don't dwell on that. Let's just enjoy being together. Mm! I am enjoying it. Ooh, thirsty. I need to tell you something. Uh-huh. I think I love you, Alan Harper. Did it go down the wrong way? Yeah, that seems to be the theme of the evening. Are you gonna leave me hanging? You said it was okay. You told me to stop. You know what I mean. I just told you I love you. Oh! Oh, that. Oh, uh, well, you know, I mean, it goes without saying that I feel the same way. - Then say it. - Pfft. Okay. Pfft. I love you, Lyndsey. Why? - Why? - What do you love about me? Oh, well, what's not to love? I mean, you know, you're beautiful and strong, and smart, and sexy. Uh-huh. Uh, confident. Um Loyal. Thrifty. Clean. Yeah? Persistent. - Why do you love me? - I don't know. I just do. That's not fair. Why'd I get the essay question? I think you should move in. Ugh. - You want me to move in here? - Why not? We love each other. Plus, our sons get along. They can walk to school from here. Jake's mom lives just down the street and there's plenty of room for him here on weekends. - You've been giving this a lot of thought. - I have. Is that why I got an incomplete? Because you were distracted? No. Oh. Can you think of any reasons why we shouldn't live together? Uh, no. Not off the top of my head which you were staring at for quite a while. I don't wanna back you into a corner. Why don't you think about it? Yeah. Why don't I sit with it for a day or two? And you can think about why you love me. Heh. Okay. - Ha, ha. - Mm. Oh. Aw, I guess I should be getting home soon. - If you lived here, you'd be home already. - Ha. That's true. It's funny, uh, I always see those signs on the freeway: "If you lived here, you'd be home already. " You know, I can't help but think if I lived there I'd have a sign outside my window ruining my perfectly good view of the freeway. And if you lived next to the freeway, you wouldn't be getting this. Mm-mm. Hang on. Just wet the old whistle. My mouth. I'm talking about my mouth. Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial "Cash4Gold. " And you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't wanna sell gold, I wanna meet that woman. She's hot, and we know her marriage isn't working out. - Hey. - Call you back. - You got any gold in your teeth? - A little. Why? Just thinking. Lyndsey told me she loves me tonight. - Really? What'd you say? - Well, what could I say? "I love you too. " - Do you love her? - Yeah, sure. What's not to love? Oh, I don't know. Her mood swings her idiot teenage son, and the fact that you need a muscle relaxer, a bottle of wine and a jackhammer to get her off. Hey, I told you about that in confidence. Who else is here? The same two people know. All right, well, let's keep it that way. She also said she wants me to move in with her. Is that forever or just till you get her off? - Charlie - You're right. That's a distinction without a difference. Are you listening to me? Lyndsey said she wants me to move out of here and in with her. Oh, you were serious? Well, that's great. Congratulations. When are you leaving? I don't know. I told her I'd think about it. What's to think about? She's a terrific gal, and she can make you happy. - But you just said - Oh, please. That was just me cracking wise. Everybody's got a little baggage. I drink and try to mouth-kiss hookers. You, you're cheap, annoying and no one likes you. - Lyndsey likes me. Which is why you should move in with her. But this is my home. I'm comfortable here. No, no, no. This is my home. And before you moved into it, I was comfortable here. Now, now. You always say that, but you don't mean it. Well, yes, I do. Why won't you ever believe me? After all these years, you're saying you wouldn't miss me if I was gone? I'm saying I'd very much like the chance to find out. - Please, Alan, give me that chance. - No, I don't think so. My relationship with Lyndsey is fine the way it is. I can come and go as I please. I have my own space. No, no, no. No. No, you have my space. Also a distinction without a difference. - So that's it? You're not leaving? - Like I said, I'm comfortable here. Comfortable, huh? Okay, my path is clear. Ooh. I can grow tomatoes upside down. Hey. You awake? - No, I can keep going. - Alan. Alan. - Mm. Oh, hi. What's up? - I need a favor. Okay, sure. What is it? I got this girl upstairs, and I need you to take care of her bird. Okay, when you say "bird," what exactly is it you're referring to? Get your mind out of the gutter. Her bird. Here. Guess what his name is. - Mothra? - Larry. Larry Bird? Get it? This chick's from Boston. Anyway, I'd put him in the living room, but Larry didn't like to be alone. - Okay, I guess. - Thanks. Oh, yeah. Don't put your hands near his face. And if you get up to pee, make sure you close the bathroom door. - Why? - I don't know. He's got this thing about penises. He thinks they're big worms. Or L. A. Lakers. Good night. Good night. Caw! Spank me. - What? - I'm a bad girl. Spank me. Oh, for God's sake. Too big, too big. All right. All right, Larry. Go to sleep. That's it, baby. Oh, yeah. You're the best. Damn it. Not a worm! Not a worm! Aah! Agh! And let me tell you, it wasn't easy finding a hooker with a big bird. - Ha-ha-ha. - Snakes, no problem. They all got snakes. Shh! Shh, shh! Here he comes. Thanks again for watching Larry. I'd say, "Bite me," but that's been taken care of. Hey, I'm sorry if that made you uncomfortable but from time to time, I do entertain women in this house. That thing tried to re-circumcise me. Maybe that's why they call it a cockatoo. I know what you're doing. It's not gonna work. Whatever are you talking about? I tell you I'm not moving in with Lyndsey because I'm comfortable. Three hours later, you put a giant penis-eating parrot in my room. And you think there's a connection? Yes, I think there's a connection. Damn it. How do you get a guy to leave your house who doesn't wanna go? Tell him you missed your period and you're out of pot. Always worked for me. Hey, Alan, how are you with the Jumble? Charlie. What are you doing in here? Right now, the Jumble. "O-L-C-U-D. " "Cloud. " "Cloud. " Thank you. What are you doing in my bathroom? Not much yet, but I have high hopes. Come on, Charlie, this is ridiculous. Oh, I'm sorry. Am I making you uncomfortable? Not enough to make me move in with Lyndsey. Okay. How about now? Bottom line. What would it take to make you wanna move in with Lyndsey? There is no circumstance where I would entertain leaving Malibu and moving in with Lyndsey. Next time you drop the soap, I'm gonna forget you're my brother. Jake, your father's here! - Hello, Alan. Charlie, how's it going? - Great. Did you hear Lyndsey MacElroy invited Alan to move in with her? - What? She lives right down the street. - You and Alan would be neighbors. - I didn't say I was gonna do it. - You bet your ass you're not gonna do it. I will not have my ex-husband living down the street. You're saying that would make you uncomfortable? Uncomfortable? It would drive me crazy. Jake, damn it, get a move on! I'm moving in with Lyndsey. How's the pizza? - Awesome. - Great. It's a new takeout place. A little more expensive, but it's worth it. And for dessert we have red-velvet cupcakes. - Oh, man, those are my favorite. - Hang on, Eldridge. Something's wrong here. Are you sending us to military school? - No. Why would you think that? - Of course not. Sixteen years of bargain pizza with fake cheese and Sam's Club vanilla wafers for dessert? - I don't wanna go to military school. - No one's going to military school. But there is, uh, something we wanted to talk to you about. Here it comes. Relax. It's good news. Alan? All right. Uh, as you both know Lyndsey and I have been dating now for six months. Oh, man. Did he knock you up? No. Just be quiet and listen. Anyway, uh, we've both grown very fond of each other during that time. You are using protection, right? That's none of your business but I'm glad you're paying attention in health class. But what I'm trying to say is that Lyndsey and I have decided to live together. I don't think Uncle Charlie's gonna like that. He's never been real pleased that you and I moved in. Uh, no, no, no. We're gonna live at Lyndsey's and Eldridge's house. But I stay here, right? When you're not at your mom's, you'll be with us. So I'm losing my weekend beach house? Yeah, but you're gaining a whole family. I'd rather have a weekend beach house. - Do I have to share my bathroom with? - Eldridge. What's wrong with sharing a bathroom with me? - I like my privacy. - We know what that's about. - Jake. - You're Mr. Whack-a-Mole, not me. - Well, at least I don't watch gay porn. - That was a total accident. - I don't wanna live with him. - Don't worry. I'm not going. - Guys, guys, come on. - No. It's bad enough you're sleeping with this loser. - Eldridge. - Are you calling my dad a loser? - You call him a loser all the time. - He's my dad. I'm allowed. - Jake, you're not allowed. - Is it okay for me to call your mom what you call her? - What do you call me? Okay, we've gotten off track here. Heh, um. Who's ready for cupcakes? - Screw you and your cupcakes. - Yeah. I'll just, uh, take one for later. Happy days are here again The skies above are clear again I'm getting rid of the queer again Happy days are here again - Hey. - Hey there. - Ho there. - What are you doing? Just thought I'd help you get a jump on the packing. Oh, well, you can unpack, because I'm not leaving. - What? No. - The boys just won't go along with it. - You're giving those two morons a vote? - It's too traumatic. - Turning their lives upside down. - So? Let them be traumatized. That's the trouble with kids these days: Not enough trauma. I know you were looking forward to having the house back to yourself but it's just not gonna happen. - Oh, it's gonna happen. As God is my witness, and by all that's holy, it's gonna happen. Amen. Keep packing. He couldn't spell "miscellaneous"? It's my house. I don't need your permission. I don't care. I'll go live with Dad and Stephanie. Aw, won't that be nice? You'll be reunited with your old babysitter. Excuse us. Walk. - Dude. - Don't "dude" me. I'm in no mood for "dude. " Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. - Dude. - Don't "dude" him, dude. What's this about you not wanting to live together? - I like it here. - I want my privacy, and It was a rhetorical question. I don't give a rat's ass. Now, the happiness of your parents is at stake here. We're gonna reason this out like adults in the interest of all involved. Here's $500. Split it up any way you want. - Nice. - And that's just a down payment. There's 100 for every month you keep my brother out of my house. A hundred dollars a month? That's like $1000 a year. Almost. - Do we have a deal? - Deal. Great. I should write a book on parenting. - How are we supposed to split this? - I don't know, dude. No matter how I figure it, there's gonna be one left over. Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back No more, no more No more, no more Hit the road, Jack And don't you come back no more - Okay, we're leaving. - What you say? I said we're all packed and we're leaving. I know. I know. I heard you. I just never get tired of hearing it. - Jake, say goodbye to your uncle. - Bye. - Bye. - That's it? After all these years? Um, I had a good time here. Who wouldn't? It's a beach house in Malibu. That's what I told him. So I guess I'll see you at your high school graduation. Heh, good one. - I'll meet you at Lyndsey's. - Drive safe. Well, here we are. - The final goodbye. - One can only hope. Come here. You've been a good brother. You were here when I needed you. - I will be forever in your debt. - So it's official: You're never paying me back. Boy, we had some great times in this old place. You're walking the wrong way, Alan. Remember when you set us up with two hot soap-opera actresses and then we both got the flu? - Ha-ha-ha. - Soap-opera actresses? No. Doesn't ring a bell. Drive carefully. Oh, come on. Um, how about when you found me handcuffed to my bed wearing a bustier and fishnet stockings? - Sorry. Blanking on that too. - But you gotta remember when Let me save you some trouble. My past is divided between things I can't remember and things I don't wanna remember. You're both. Right. Then, uh, wish me luck. You don't need luck. You guys were meant for each other. In fact, let me start you off on the right foot. Here's $100. Stop by the liquor store, pick up a bottle of champagne to celebrate with Lyndsey. - Hundred bucks? For that kind of cash, I could get a decent bottle of Chardonnay and still have some walking-around money. - Get the champagne, Alan. - Right. It's your money. Ha, ha. Exactly. We end as we began. All right, so, uh, I guess I'll call you. Yeah. Make sure you leave a message. Ha-ha-ha. That's what I'm gonna miss. The banter, the good-natured ribbing, the I admit I had my doubts, Lord but you have delivered me unto the Promised Land. You're right, I should change the locks. That's why you're the Lord. Boy, I didn't even realize they made wine in Oklahoma. - That'll be 8. 49. - Mm. Here you are. That's a hundred-dollar bill. You owe me $91. 51. - Alan? - Melissa? - What a coincidence. - Yeah. How have you been? - Okay. You? - Uh, fine. Ha. - How's Jake? - Oh, uh, he's good. - Charlie? - Ah, pfft. Same old. - Ha, ha. You look great. - Oh, you too. Gorgeous. - Aw, thanks. Ha. Ahem. - Ha-ha-ha. - I've missed you. - I've missed you too. - So seeing anybody? - Nope. You? Nope. Must be real important for you to call me out in the middle of the night like this. You're doing God's work. Excuse me. Pardon me. - Alan? - I'll explain later. - Hey, Charlie. - Hey. I'm still moving in with Lyndsey. This'll just be my pied-à-terre. Uh, that's French for "love shack. " Okay, that's it. Let me speak to your supervisor.