The Web

Nicole's Internet Troubles



 * You know the best thing about our friends uploading their selfies? It means I can Shotofop them to make them look slightly weird. Oh, wait—no, Sussie looks kinda better there.
 * Now let's upload them!




 * BOYS!! GET AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER NOW!!


 * What is wrong with you?! I clenched so hard, I tore the seat!


 * I was reading "Responsible Parenting" magazine.


 * "Responsible Parenting" magazine? That's the magazine equivalent of having a "Live, Laugh, Love" sign over a medieval torture chamber.


 * Well, there's lots of good advice in there. Such as 95 ways to protect a turkey and how to baste your children! Uh—no, wait. Uh.....


 * And what's the scare hoax of the month? Someone found a bazooka in their kid's Halloween candy? Rap music made my nephew eat his own face? Video games played backwards will summon the prince of darkness?


 * No, it's about protecting your children from the dangers of the internet.


 * Okay, fair enough. I've got nothing sarcastic to say about that.


 * Good. So when you're online, make sure to leave the spell checker on!


 * Okay.......why?


 * In case someone tries to hex you with a chain letter!


 * What?


 * What are you doing?!


 * Updating your antivirus!


 * How on earth is that supposed to help?! By the way, you put it in upside down.


 * It's like a vaccine. You expose yourself to a little of the virus to build up immunity.


 * Now what are you doing?!


 * Your keyboard's full of crumbs! Do you want your computer to have bugs? 'Cause that's how you'll get bugs!


 * and : Huh?


 * Now, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to put the parental lock on.


 * Okay, fine. Aw, c'mon! Mom!


 * But that's what the magazine said I should do!


 * They meant parental locks on the computer!


 * Oh, right. There!


 * No. Look, Mom, I- What?


 * Where'd she go?


 * I'm setting up the firewall!


 * No, no, no, no-


 * Right. That should do it. Any questions?


 * Yes. Can you hear me all the way back there in 1836?


 * Yup! Wait, what?


 * Get back in here! I think it's our turn to inspect your computer.


 * What do you mean?

Work Computer Inspections



 * It works fine!


 * Mrs. Mom, that pop-up window is twenty years old!


 * Thank you.




 * What kind of dark magic forgetter is this?! Oh—wait, there is one more problem with this computer. Sometimes it asks me to right-click to do something, but when I do, nothing happens! Can you fix that?


 * Hmm. Show me.


 * Look! Even when I get closer!


 * You thinking what I'm thinking?


 * Uh-huh. That that little doggy just bit the dust?


 * Alas, yes. But, also....


 * That it's us who need to teach her about safely using the computer!


 * and : Mm-hmm.



The Internet Mindset

 * Okay, let's assess the damage here. What do you mainly use your computer for?


 * Oh, you know, same as everybody. Write emails, check stuff, read movies...


 * You mean watch movies, right?


 * No, I read them.


 * Okay, just show us what you normally do.




 * Oh...I can never find the at!




 * So this is how you type an email?




 * What is that?


 * My contact list.


 * Wait, so you keep everyone's email address in there and then type it into the computer?


 * Yeah, easy-peasy! Then, I just press send.




 * "Pixi E-Mail?" What is this?


 * It's my mailbox! I saw a Christmas promotion for it at the post office. And, saves on stamps!


 * Mrs. Mom, normal emails are easier.


 * Oh sweetie, I wouldn't want to put all the elves who live inside of the computer out of work, would I?


 * Who are you sending this to?


 * Oh, Mic in maintenance.




 * OMG, you're such a mom!


 * Hey, watch your tongue!


 * Well, what do you think OMG means?


 * I don't know for sure, but if I had to guess, I would say, offend my grandmother.




 * We need to teach you a little more internet lingo! What does TL;DR mean?


 * Toilet.....doctor?




 * Do you really think people on the internet talk about toilet doctors so much they have to abbreviate it?


 * Very funny. You're lucky you two are my baes.


 * and : What?!


 * My baes. My babies! That's what it means, right?


 * Mmmmmm...yes. Yes it does. But I'm a bit worried about the way you talk online. Let me look at your posts. Oh, my word.


 * Jackie Wilson: "Tough morning today. Anniversary of the day my grandad went missing at sea." And you answered with a photo of a sad kitten saying "ROFL?"


 * Yeah! Receive our feelings and love!


 * Right. ...What else do you do?


 * Sometimes I download cooking videos!


 * I just got the "I read movies" thing.


 * Okay...so, what do you do at lunchtime?




 * Oh, I check out stuff I'd like to buy, but I never buy anything though.


 * Why?


 * Because I'm scared of getting my money stolen! It's happened before!


 * It's good to be careful, but you see that little fellow right there? If the padlock is on, it means you're safe.


 * Oh, okay then. So, what do I do next?


 * Just put it in the basket.


 * NO!!! Huh? Really thought she was gonna chuck the computer away there.


 * Guys, please. I know I'm slow, but I'm not Interweb Explorer slow!


 * She made a browser nerd joke! She's learning! I guess there are two types of people in this world, Darwin: those who need everything spelled out for them...


 * What's the second type?




 * Okay, so what do I do next?


 * You just have to pay.


 * And you promise I won't get my money stolen?


 * Yeah.




 * And ninety-nine cents.


 * Okay, so now you hold your hand out in front of it. Good. Now, you slap your forehead with it until you realize.


 * Realize what?


 * That you just lost twenty-six dollars and ruined the computer at the same time. And, there it is.

Social Media Blunders



 * Okay, so what else do you do?


 * Well, sometimes I like to share how I feel on Elmore Plus!


 * "I'm not perfect, but at least I'm not fake?" Why are you posting these?!


 * Because, they're funny! And look at all the little thumbs up I get!


 * Mom, your profile is public!


 * Well, what's wrong with that? I got nothing to hide!


 * Yeah, well what about that?




 * So? I'm just sharing a photo of my birthday meal.


 * That's not all you're sharing!You've pretty much gift-wrapped your identity for internet fraudsters. First, it's your birthday, so they know when you were born.  Secondly, they know your address from that birthday card.  And finally, they know your credit card number! Front and reverse!  And on a separate note, you look like you have a tiny guy on your back.


 * Also, please stop with the quotes from these little munchkin things! They're scientifically proven to destroy brain cells.


 * Nonsense! Are you seriously implying that casually engaging with such harmless fun will  accerelate the deterioration of my...my....gray sack in the head that....makes the thinkings come! Mmm.....Nicole forget what saying and how to swallowing!


 * Please tell me you have a strong password at least.


 * Oh, my password is very safe. Look.


 * 7, E, R, 3, dollar sign, at. Okay, uppercase, numbers, unusual characters, that's pretty strong.


 * Great!


 * But you did just post it on your timeline.




 * I think I have a solution.

We're Doomed!



 * There. This one is to close without saving, this one is to install malware, and the last one is to erase all your work. This should streamline your output and make you ten times more productive at being self-destructive.


 * Oh, please! I'm not that bad!


 * True, you're not that bad. You're the WORST! You're the reason your IT guy lost his mind and bailed!




 * At least I'm not as bad as the rest of the guys in this office!




 * What....are you doing?


 * I'm I'm correcting a spelling mistake, duh!




 * Uh....


 * What? I'm printin' out my report!




 * Yes, yes, I have tried a reboot! All right, I'll try again. Yeah, no. Still nothing.




 * You know what's really funny about this?


 * Yeah! These guys are fully grown adults!


 * They're in charge! Of, like, everything! They drive cars!


 * They vote!


 * They're responsible for the planet!




 * and : We're doomed.

Hashtag Trending



 * We made it through the ice age

The plague and two world wars

But now we're facing doom

With computers in the hands of dinosaurs

and : Feel the doom impending 'cause stupidity is hashtag trending

They go online, click every link

Like puppets of Big Brother Inc.

Surrendering their privacy

To every pop-up ad they see

Feel the doom impending 'cause stupidity is hashtag trending

Believe in posts and share fake news

Until their brains have turned to ooze

Befriending every fraud and bot

So that their minds are sure to rot


 * Y POLA BEARS LIE ABOT GLUBLE WARMIN

Click on link bello SIGN UP NOW

Makeur hairs gro Want 2 b mor viewtiful face

Free stuffs avalaibul in place

Doctorate with no graduating

Singuls in ELMORE NO W8TING

Click here to stop ur crush from unfriending

Acountvoroficatian code brakedown

C313F4_R31E4H613129

and : Feel the doom impending 'Cause stupidity is hashtag trending

But they're the ones that make the world turn

And there's nothing we can do except watch it all... burn.

Back to Basics

 * There's no avoiding it, Darwin. If we were any more done, we'd be a Harlem Shake meme! They cannot be trusted with computers.


 * Uh, guys? It says I have to press Enter to upload my photo, but when I do, nothing happens. Look. E-N-T-E-R. Ugh.


 * Oh, hey. It says I need to back up, but I've run out of space.


 * It says I've got an internal error, but....I just had a heavy lunch!


 * It says I need a driver, but I came by bus!


 * And mine says "Bus Error", but I came by train!


 * Yeah, I don't think you're quite ready for this.




 * Oh!