Cat with a Blog

The new couch looks great, hon, but I have to say, I'm gonna miss this old fella. We had a lot of good times, didn't we, friend? All the naps, TV we watched. I feel like the kids grew up on this couch. This one has a recliner. Get this outta here. Thank you so much for donating your old couch to Guardian Angels charity. I had a dog like this when I was a kid. I used to call him Quat. Oh, so you could say, "Come, Quat. " No, we used to say "Hey, Quat. " What a wasted opportunity. Right. You're all set. So you have your receipt. You didn't give me a receipt. Oh, really? Well, then, what's this over here? How did you do that? When I'm not working for the charity, I'm an amateur magician. For me? How sweet. Really, you want this? It's been in my mouth. It's a free scarf. Kids, who's ready for a surprise? - A surprise? - I love surprises. Is it a new couch? How did you guess that? I guess it's kinda hard to make a new couch a surprise. Not if you do it just right. Get ready for a surprise! One, two, three. Take your blindfolds off. A new couch?! You're right, Avery. That would've been so much better. I knew it was coming, but the showmanship. And here's the best part. This couch has a recliner, a massage feature, and a secret pocket where Chloe can hide her rats. - What? - What?! I'm gonna nap on you. I'm gonna nap on you so hard. The best thing about the new couch is that the family set aside a special spot for me and the puppies. Having our own spot on the couch is just one of the ways I've been feeling more a part of the family lately. My artwork's even on the fridge. That's Tyler's. That's mine. But we gotta hide it when Princess comes over. It's an ex-girlfriend. Hey, Tyler, Mom and Dad are at a movie, and Chloe and I are going to the aquarium to see the manatees and the woman-atees. They're not called that, but they should be. You guys have fun with that. I'm designing an app to sell that lets people use my face as an emoji. That's a cool app, Tyler. Wouldn't it sell better if people could use their own faces instead of yours? I don't think so, Avery. Have you seen other people's faces? All right, we're going. Have a nice time with your face. Wait. You know what? I'll come with you guys to the aquarium. I like looking at the sea anemones, mostly because I just learned how to pronounce sea "amenomes. " Dang it. Stan, do you wanna come, too? I'd say yes, but I have a lot of work to do trimming my banzai tree. It's a new hobby I'm trying. - All right, see ya. - Bye, Stan. I see why people say that's so calming. But it went quicker than I thought it would. I guess I have time. Gracie, Freddy. What is it, Da-da? Let's catch up to the kids. We're going to the aquarium. Yay. I speak dolphin. I speak whale. Hi. I'm a whale. So did you guys have fun at the aquarium? I'm a shark. I'm a better shark. Oh, you always win at this game. Raccoons! Oh, no, the new couch. They must've gotten in because someone left the door open. I think I was the last one out. I opened the door, and I didn't close it. But it could've been worse. They didn't take the TV, guys, huh? Huh? Kids, we're home. What happened here? The door was accidentally left open, and raccoons got in. You guys left the door open? I cannot believe you could be so irresponsible. This is why we can't have nice things, because doors get left open and raccoons get in. Why not just invite a hawk in here to go after my eyes? Which one of you left the door open? It had to be one of you. Who else could it have been? If no one is gonna take the blame, you're all responsible. Clearly, you all went to the aquarium and didn't bring me back a shark grabber on a stick. Would've been nice to sit on my new couch and grab the remote with my new shark grabber. But that dream died today. Yeah, you're all getting punished. And why didn't I get a seal plushy so I could give things my "seal" of approval? And I'd say "Good one, Ellen," but you all don't deserve it. That's right, that's how mad I am. You kids are grounded for a month. But the school dance. And Darcy's sleepover. And I'm an adult. You live in this house. You're grounded. Guys, I am so sorry you're taking the heat for this. Darcy and I have been planning this sleepover for weeks. We invited all the cool girls from school. And Abigail, so we wouldn't look so obvious about it. My friends and I were gonna go camping at the beach. Now I have to text them and tell them I'm not coming. And Dax was gonna take me to the dance. Now he's gonna ask someone else. I gotta text him. Sorry. I can't go to the dance. I can't believe Dax downloaded your app. I feel horrible about this. You guys have been getting blamed for things I've done for three years now. You'd be better off if I couldn't open doors and didn't even care about going places with you. You'd be better off if if I were a cat. A cat wouldn't have gotten the kids into trouble like this. I wish I were a cat. What? I'm a cat! I'm a cat. My wish came true. Wait a minute. You're the guy from the charity. What are you doing here? I'm your guardian angel, Stan. Though my name may sound a bit peculiar to mortal ears. It's But my friends call me Ralph. I granted your wish to be a cat. - So can I - Talk? No. I can hear your thoughts, but you can't talk. I was gonna say still lick myself. Oh. Well, then, yes. In fact, you can probably lick even more of yourself than before. I'll get into that later. I'm glad I'm a cat. Now I won't have to worry about causing problems for the kids ever again. I feel horrible about what happened. I'm sorry you feel down. Aw, maybe I can cheer you up with a magic trick. Hey, that does cheer me up. Now I'm sad again. Hey, that's cheating. It's not magic if you have powers. No, this is real sleight-of-hand. I only use my powers to change lives, make the world a better place, and keep caterpillars from killing everyone. They really want to. Wait a minute. If I'm a cat, what about my puppies and my wife? Oh, you mean Princess. The cat that lives next door. And your kittens. Oh, this is great. My kids are cute, I'm still married to Princess. With me as a cat, everyone is better off. Anyone know what's for dinner? Oh, I'm gonna go say hi to Avery. You better hide here so she doesn't see you and freak out. Oh, she can't see me. In fact, no one can see or hear me but you. So it's exactly like I've gone crazy. Precisely. Does no one in this stupid house know what's for dinner? What's going on with Avery? When the kids didn't get along three years ago, Bennett brought home a cat instead of a dog. So a lot of things are different. Like Tyler. Metalwolf! Tyler, I can't believe you're listening to that lame band. They're changing lives, Avery. Before I heard Metalwolf, I didn't even know their music. Now I do. Think about that. And now you're painting your face like them. I'm part of a pack. Yeah, I saw you guys biting each other's necks in the parking lot. It's how we say hello. Ugh! It's as lame as your hair. I don't care what anybody thinks about my hair. Where am I? I'm gonna wipe that hideous makeup off your face. I don't get it. Why are they fighting like that? Because of your wish, dog Stan never came into the family to bring them together, so they never learned to get along. Get outta my face! It's not your face. Wait a minute. This is all because I wasn't part of the family? Without Avery's positive influence on Tyler, he never achieved anything. And without Tyler's influence to help Avery to relax, she cracked under all the pressure, and became a bad girl. Come on, it's Avery. How bad can she be? I'm gonna wear your skin! Yeah, that's pretty bad. Bennett's a child psychologist. How does he let them get away with this? With his kids such a mess, he lost all respect of the psychological community. So now, he's a member of the Washington Generals. Get down here. Get down here! The Washington Generals? That basketball team that plays the Harlem Globetrotters and always loses? What qualifies him for that? Very low self-esteem, and a halfway-decent jump shot. Come on, Cheese, gimme the ball. I don't have the ball. Have you seen it? No, man, I haven't seen it. - How about you, Handles? - I don't have it. Kids, stop that fighting. Why should we listen to you? You're a loser. Hey, don't talk to your father like Actually, that is my job. Kids, stop that fighting. Yes, Mr. Moose. Guys, isn't it enough that you taunt me on the court? Do you have to do it in my own home, too, huh? Hey, man, ya gotta practice. You know what? We're sorry. - Do you want it? - Yes. Give it to me right now. Okay, Cheese, give it to him. Is that Chloe? Ah, sweet Chloe. I hope she hasn't changed. Ah, look at Chloe. As full of joy and whimsy as ever. At least my being a cat hasn't affected her. Oh, sorry. You caught me in the middle of lunch. Anyway, she is affected. Without her talking dog as a friend, she's retreated further and further into a fantasy life that she just can't pull herself out of. Come, birds, help me clean the house. Tweet-tweet, tweet-tweet. This is terrible. She's relying on imaginary friends. Oh, if only my stuffed orange monkey Robert were here, he'd know what to do. Order in the kitchen. The Honorable Ellen Jennings presiding. Wow! Ellen's a judge. At least she's doing better. No, she's aspiring to be a TV judge. With her family such a mess, she's desperate to get out of the house. Chloe, help me figure out a wacky gimmick for my TV judge show. Maybe I'll be the rhyming judge. You're guilty of perjury. I sentence you to surgery. Can I sentence someone to surgery? We'll find out. I'm not doing that. I could be the punning judge. You're entitled to a jury of your pears. Whoa. Isn't she gonna say "Good one, Ellen"? No. In this alternate reality, the puns themselves are the joke. That's horrible! Okay, I'll bring my paints and meet you there at 7:00. At least Avery is still into her painting. Whoa. I did not mean to wander into this part of town. I can't wait to paint giant butts all over the school. I'll even paint some upside down. People will think they're birds, but we'll know they're butts. I'm a catcher in my softball team. Oh. Avery's about to set off a chain of events that's gonna ruin her life. She's gonna get caught, get sent to a strict boarding school, fall in with the wrong crowd, and end up in jail. And that's all because she does this graffiti tonight? One bad decision can ruin everything. You ever eat sushi on a cruise? This is terrible. I have to stop her. What am I supposed to do? I'm just a dumb cat. And afterwards, we'll get boyfriends, and try to change them. She's making the worst decisions! I don't have much time to stop Avery from making the biggest mistake of her life. I'll do the one trick cats do. I'll get under her feet and trip her. There goes one life. What are you in my courtroom for? Oh, I see. Assault and battery. This is gonna work. Now I just need to find a production company, a TV network, and a sassy bailiff. If only I could get Ellen to come see what Avery is doing. You want me to come with you? Oh, thank goodness. I'll never say a bad thing about you ever again. To Sombrero City. Maybe Bennett can help. Don't you have families to get home to? Maybe Chloe can help. Maybe if I concentrate really hard, I can speak and warn Chloe about Avery. Meow. Meow. I can't tell if I'm getting through to her. All she's saying is "meow. " What does that mean? Wait a minute. When dog Stan first joined this family, and ran away, the kids came together. If I run away now, maybe that will fix everything again. Where's Stan going? Who cares? He's just a cat. She doesn't care. I know what you're thinking right now. How does this giant crayon fit inside this little bag? This is not the time! Is this your card? Yes, it is! Maybe it's not too late to stop her. Hey, guys. I've got enough stuff in here to mess up the school real good. Really. It's an adverb, Avery. You know that. - Let's trash this place! - Yeah! I've gotta stop her. Stan. You're here to help. Guess you're part of our crew now. On the one hand, I wanna stop her. On the other hand, I've always wanted to be part of a crew. I'm not with them. Hold it right there. I'll handle this. Practically a TV judge. Avery. You used to be such a good kid. I thought you were going to Penn State, not the state pen. The pun can't be the joke. The pun can't be the joke! You and your friends are gonna have to clean up this mess. You're lucky we were tipped off before things went any further. Sorry, Avery. I told Mommy and Daddy on you. When I wrote the song, I thought there would only be one cop. Oh, no. School's in session, Bennett. You want the ball? You want the ball? Wait a minute. I don't want the ball. I'm proud of you, Bennett. You finally figured it out. It's what we've been trying to teach you this whole time. Learning that you don't want the ball is the first step to enlightenment. - You want your keys? You want your keys? - Gimme! Avery, this is the last straw. You're going to an extra-strict boarding school. Good. Send me away. I don't wanna be a part of this family anyway. Avery. I get it now. Please give me my old life back. I wish I were a dog again. I wish I were a dog again. I wish I were a dog again. Stan? Are you okay? Avery, you look like you, but I wanna be real sure. Really, Stan. It's an adverb. I'm home! Must have all been a terrible dream. What are you talking about? I was so upset about leaving the door open and getting you guys in trouble, I dreamt that I was a cat. The whole family was a mess, and caterpillars wanted to kill everyone. What a horrible dream, Stan. Don't worry. We'll always care about each other. Ah! Tyler, no! What's happening to you? My buddy Danny bet me I couldn't wear Metalwolf makeup for a day. Loser has to wear Metalwolf makeup for a day. Wait a minute. Seeing what life could've been like, I'm so happy things are back to normal. We even got the old couch back. Here's your old couch back. And here's your donation for the charity instead. And are these your dentures? No. You're the fifth person who said that. Whose dentures are these? Free dentures. I'm just glad we got the old couch back. I actually kinda missed it. Sometimes you don't appreciate what you have till you don't have it anymore.