A Shop in The Dark

Oh, do you hear that? Yeah, that's the sound of mein uber cannon obliterating the Allied lines. How sad. You thought you could stop it. I had to try for America! - Holy shit! Adolf Hitler! - That's right. Oh, I just Wow. A bit flattered you came out personally. No, no, no, I get it. People freak out when they see me. But I wanted to kill the American Ranger personally. - Aren't you forgetting about my sidekick? - The child? I think it's past his bedtime. - It's Friday. I let him stay up. Sorry I'm late, Ranger. - They were checking I. D. s at the door. - Funny, Kid Victory, funny! Oh, son of a bitch! Oh, right in the tip! I think I would rather get hit in the ball. I wouldn't have said that five minutes ago, but wow. Auf Wiedersehen, schnitzel dicks! - He's getting away! - We'll deal with him later, kid. There's an uber cannon tearing up our boys. This will show those American swine. Today we What's wrong? Looks like your friend has marbles in his mouth. Just like you. Oh, god! Oh, god! That was my tooth! Holy shit! You hit me right in the tooth! Ha! How did you "Nazi" that coming? You thinkin' what I'm thinkin', Ranger? You're goddamn right! We claim this hill for America! And then I said, "We claim this hill for America," and bam! - Right up that kraut's caboose. - Damn, dude. That's [bleep] up. - Probably a war crime. - It most certainly was not. According to the Geneva Convention, it most certainly was. Guess I shouldn't leave this out. 1x04 - "A Shop in The Dark" You want some Cooch? Don't get mad, get Brad! Well, there's nothing in here but peanut oil and a half a thing of Oreos. Rex, can you send Marjorie to the store? We can only afford Marjorie three times a week now, but there is some hope on the horizon. Look what your old friend Kid Victory's been up to. Well, look at that. I step into a time tunnel, and when I emerge, my sidekick is Secretary of Defense. He'll be in charge of approving our budget for next year. You just give him a call, invite him to dinner, and we'll see if we can't milk that decades long friendship of yours for a little scratch. Well, that's a truly offensive way to put it, but it would be nice to catch up. Haven't seen the little fella since we were flag reaming Nazis. Operator, get me Kid Victory. Oh, she's singing. Don't quit your day job, honey. Why don't you let me dial? Damn, dude, you're limping. I do that to you? No. My kneecap got into an argument with a crowbar over some gambling debts. You know, Italian bookies. Cooch, Brad, it appears that every toilet in the house has been crushed under great force. Do you know anything about that? - Uh - Uh Whoa! - Nope. - Nope. A little alarmed you had to think about it, but sure, whatever. We're running out of toilets to have sex on, Cooch. Maybe we should try a bed next time? Bed sex? We [bleep] married all of a sudden? - No, I just thought - Look, this has been fun and all, - but I'm not in heat anymore, so - We should move in together? Let's pretend this never happened? See ya. I let you out of your cell so I can hunt you for sport, and you run away?! What, I was just supposed to let you catch me? You weren't supposed to taint Storm City's pickle supply with Groaner gas. Well, you certainly made your point, didn't you? I need medical attention! That's what you get for trying to catch the rings! What? You said, "Hey, Groaner, catch!" - Ha. Yeah. - By the way, the last time I saw my finger, it was flying towards a vat of pickles. We should probably call the Department of Health. I can promise you it'll beat the rations we had on D-Day. Sounds like a plan. See you then. Mission accomplished. Kid Victory's coming to dinner. - Ranger, you are a genius. - He'll be here in two hours. Wait, wait, wait, you invited him tonight? We don't have any food! This is the big one, team. These orders could determine the future of the league! This looks an awful lot like a shopping list. - Did I ask for a book report? - Finally, some action. Rex, I accept this dark responsibility. I just need you to run to the store. I am eager to study your human foraging rituals. I don't need everyone's take on this. 50 bucks to buy wine? Why you need 50 bottles of wine? Okay, Brad's in charge of the money. Lucini, I came into $200. Let's just call it, uh, "grocery money. " How much time does that buy me? Saturn, it appears that the most menial tasks are done by barely pubescent males. Crappy jobs are a right of passage. It's called paying your dues. Your parents are millionaires. You haven't worked a day in your life. Uh we've got 30 minutes, people. Whoops. Move, guys! This stuff will wreck your kidneys. Uh-uh, ma'am. No shirt, no shoes, no service. - Kick-ass poem, dude! - It's a rule. You will have to leave. Wait! That's my boyfriend right there! - Sir, do you know this cat? - I did, but I forgot it ever happened. Aww, man. - Oh, shit. He's early. - Hello, Rex. Gloria, what the hell are you doing here? I told you I can't see you anymore. Ranger, why why didn't you tell me you invited your lovely wife? I didn't. In fact, I explicitly asked her to stay home, but Gloria told me that she needed to come. Multiple times. I wish I had known sooner, but we probably won't have enough food. Here's 20 bucks, why don't you go grab some Arby's? Don't worry. I'm sure I can find something else to put in my mouth. Odd thing to say and a weird way to say it. Oh, he's here, he's here! - Ranger, you really are back. - Kid Victory! Or should I call you "Man Victory" now? Egh. A hug it is. I guess that's a thing men do nowadays? And who's this stylish fellow? Ranger, I'd like you to meet my partner, Tyler. Look, everybody, my sidekick has a sidekick! - He's not your sidekick, Ranger. - Don't be silly. Ranger is the most important man in my life. Well, until I met Tyler. James tells me you were like a father to him. And it sounds as though you're like a brother to him. Not exactly. Tyler is my lover. - How's that now? - Oh, you didn't know. I'm gay. - And I'm gay that you're gay! - Oh, Jesus Christ, Ranger. - Ranger, I'm a homosexual. - I Ha-ha! Good one. Um I mean, okay. That's just uh, that's May I be excused? - Who are you asking? - Okay, goodbye. So, dinner's running a little late. We've had some staff cuts because of our budget problems. Ah. I might be able to help you out with that. Unless, of course, this night turns into a complete shitshow. Eh "Italian sausages"? Did you not get the memo, Rex? Cheese dogs exist. Time to lose the floaties and fly like a man. Hey, Darren. Just doing some soul-shopping. - No lists, no rules. - Sir, I've told you many times, you can't shop here wearing a mask. "Sir"? Darren, it's me, B. Saturn. You could be anyone. You're wearing a mask. Oh yeah? Does anyone shop like this? Some people shop hard, Black Saturn shops harder - Lemonade. Mike's. - You just bought a grip of baby food. You know it! That's how we do, Darren! Dear god! Bugula. - Bugula! - Oh, hey, Saturn. I thought I put you away for good. I was able to get a new trial. Been meaning to thank you. Your testimony had a lot to do with it. Turns out dressing up like a planet and taint dropping criminals does not a reliable witness make. I would taint drop every judge and juror in Storm City before I let them keep me off the stand. You said as much in court. Really helped my case. - Consider this your retrial. Ha! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh-uh! - I'm completely reformed. - Come on, man, I need to kick someone's ass. I've got blue balls here! I was drinking a lot when I blew up those Boston Markets. That's all behind me now. This little baby sees to that. Good thing it only detects alcohol and not pizza goldfish because I am getting these. No! This is Come on, man. - Do something bad so I can hit you! - Saturn, I've changed. I finally got my kid back from foster care, and I drive a minivan now. - Can you picture that? - Not even gonna try. Another Oreo, anyone? Mmm, I'll take one, Rex. I like to lick out the white stuff. Oh, god, how old are these? Shh, don't worry about it. Ranger, you're back! That's right. I've done a lot of thinking, and Victory, your secret is safe with me. - What secret would that be? - Well, you know. - Your situation. - Ranger No, Rex. No one is to speak of this again. - I don't care how much it freaks you out. - No one is freaked out. We're all adults who realize other adults fall in love. That's right. Keeping a relationship a secret implies you're doing something wrong. Gah! Who's hungry? - We all are. - Intensely. Well then, let me whip up another appetizer while we wait for the food. [bleep] me. I can get you the other $49,800 tonight, Lucini. Jewbot, what are you doing? By my manufacturer date, I am 13 years old. It is time I paid my dues with this semi-useless human surplus. Darren "hooked me up" with an entry-level position. Oh, dear. This pickle jar is contaminated. Is that a human finger? Jewbot, that's a million-dollar lawsuit waiting to happen! I gotta call Lucini. We're gonna be rich! Young man, someone stole my orthopedic shoes! As an American teen with zero empathy, I find that hilarious. Cooch here. But I got shoes on, so it's okay. Cooch, hurry the [bleep] up! And pick me up a mixer. The purple one I found in the dishwasher isn't working at all. - That sounds like my vibrator! - Are you telling me I'm jamming a bowl of mayonnaise with a vibrator?! Cooch! - Hello, see anything you like? - Nah, I don't belong here. - I'm just an alley cat. - Well, guess what? To me, you look like a fancy cat waiting to happen. Well, shit, you look smarter than me. Show me the world. That looks yummy. - Oh, god, Rex, figure it out. - Gloria, we've got to stop this. You're a wonderful lady, but Ranger is my friend. Oh, Rexy, don't take away my hard candy. Ahem. Am I interrupting something? No. No, no, no, no. Gloria was just helping me make appetizers with this vibrator mixer. Just looking for a bathroom that isn't condemned. I don't know how old those Oreos were, but ugh! - They're putting up a fight. - Gah! Bathrooms. Uh, let's see, uh The sink is full. Where else, where else? You just go at your own speed. I don't get a lot of company down here. You really can't be up there. Oh, yeah. Why should I keep a dark vigil when there's a supervillain in your grocery store!? Bugula is one of our best customers. It's only a matter of time before he makes his move. He's right. Saturn and I are on a collision course because I'm not passing up beef stew at this price. - How do you do it, Darren? - Corporate sets prices. Still. It's impressive, Darren. I don't know. Whoa! Oh, first volley goes to you, Bugula! You maniac! He was using the display properly. Are you guys dating or something? God! Whew. Well, that's the scariest dump I've taken since that party at Bryan Singer's house. Victory, you've got to try these sugared ice cubes. - They are to die for. - Edible. Barely. Well, should we order a pizza? I mean, you know what happens to me if I don't eat. I need sugar in my system. Oh, god. Ranger? Ranger? - There's enough to go around. - Ranger Ranger? Ranger! - You okay, Ranger? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yes, yes. I'm, uh He's coming to. Just one more puff. Bleh! No, get off of me! - You'll never make me one of you! - "One of you"? I'm sure what he meant to say was this mansion is sorely underfunded. Do you have a problem with us, Ranger? No! It's just I I come from the military - where this isn't allowed. - It is now, you caveman. - That damned time tunnel! - I'm disappointed in you, Ranger. - You're disappointed in me? - Ranger, uh-uh. You were my sidekick. An innocent little boy who loved freedom, and killing other human beings that didn't agree with our principles. Remember this little guy? We laughed and laughed when we planted that pole in that kraut's rear end. I didn't think you'd make a habit out of it! Back to the budget I don't want to be your sidekick anymore. Fine! Maybe I'll go find another one? - Fine! - Fine! Yup, that was definitely a war crime. Probably shouldn't leave that lying around. - Hmm? - Damn, Benji, for meow? - Huh? - Ooh, I'll wear that out. Look. Ooh, look at this pinch-free claw trimmers. - Are you a warlock? - Try this on for size. Nah, you're crazy, I couldn't. Ah! What the You wanna take a shot at me? Come correct! I was just trying to be cute! It's catnip. Mmm. Ooh, that's nice. Wrap all this shit up, Benji, I'll take it. You're starting a new life, Cooch. A better life. All right, one new sidekick coming up. Seeking clean-cut young boy. Must be fit, clean shaven, flexible enough to mount up at a moment's notice, follow orders without question and keep a secret. If you measure up, you can count on me to cover your backside. Ranger, do you know what you're doing there? Don't worry about me, Rex. If I'm so out of touch, how did I just use this computer box to advertise my need for a young boy? "Post anonymously"? No! They need to be able to find me. - Oh, dear god, no! - You can't stop me, Rex. I'm through with Kid Victory. Through! That man holds our future in his hands. - Among other things. - Ranger, listen. I know America changed without you, but you don't have to be left behind. Maybe America would be better off back here with me! Ranger, I used to know a guy who loved his nation more than life itself. He wanted to protect it from what he saw as corrupting influences, so he did whatever he had to do to keep his fair nation pure. That guy was me, Rex. Still is. I was talking about Adolf Hitler. I, uh I need to lie down. - Sir, can I help you? - I think you can. You'll notice the human finger in this pickle jar. I would like to sell my silence for $50,000. Until you have paid for that jar, it remains our property. Here's my counter-offer. Attention all employees! Do not sell anything to the pink man in the wife-beater. Okay, Bugula. Let's see your ruse hold up to 1,500 CC of Saturn serum. Soup's on. I got you. This man needs medical attention! - Bugula's a hero! - Not! - Ack! - I got you. Ugh. Time to try harder. Ha! Ah! Argh! God bless your loyalty, Brad. I've got your back. - Huah! - Who's been dicking with my blowgun?! Cooch, these pickles you must buy them. Cooch, surely you don't know this man? I used to in another life. I'm sorry, sir. You have no shirt, you have no shoes, you do not have what it takes to be a Chutney's customer. Oh, no! You people think you get to decide who's good enough to shop here?! Well, [bleep] your shirts, and [bleep] your shoes, and [bleep] your store! Jewbot, ring it up. That will be $6. 99. I have absolutely no money. You didn't have any money? - I work on commission, you sewer trash! - Damn, Benji. I'm afraid as an employee, I must ask you to leave. I'm sorry, they pay me a handsome wage, and give me health insurance. Actually, we pay you seven dollars an hour, and no, we do not. Seven dollars?! What am I, an Amazon Fire phone? I quit. And having worked one hour You crazy, bastards. We did it! Excuse me! Some of us have to pick our kids up from daycare. Bugula! Ugh! Waah! Saturn, please! People are getting hurt. - I surrender. Just stop, okay? - Not until I bring you down. No, no, no, no, I got this. If that's the only way to stop you. Ugh. I I can't believe I'm saying this, but I was wrong about you, Bugula. From this day forward, I promise you I'll What the hell, man? Oh, right. Saturn serum is like 40% grain alcohol by volume. Sorry, dude. Good god, I was completely out of control. - Ranger? - Oh, hey, KV. My old outfit. Made of the finest silks. You sewed it yourself. Probably should have been a sign. - Listen, Ranger - No, you listen. I owe you an apology. The entire world changed while I was gone. It was wrong of me to expect you to stay the same. I may not understand what you and Tyler do with your tallywackers, but you're my friend. I stand behind you at a respectful distance. Does this mean I'm still your sidekick? Who could ever replace you? - I wonder if it still fits. - There's only one way to find out. Look, man, I haven't had a drink in 500 days. My kid is waiting for me! I'll take it from here, officer. A parole violation is a parole violation. Let's call this another victory for justice. His child will bounce from foster home to foster home never knowing true love. Ha-ha, you know it! Oh, you're calling me an asshole. Yup. Cooch, you you helped me back there. Yeah, I guess, maybe I - Have feelings for me? - Really wanted some pickles. Well, team, everything worked out in the end. I got my man, Brad's out of debt, Jewbot, Cooch, blah, blah, blah, and dinner was served. Dinner! The registers, I'm afraid, are closed. - Well, we still got a few pickles left. - Cooch! Oh, I see why you like these things. Crunchy as shit. Well, I hope all's well that ends well, and you guys Oh, my god! Rex, oh! I suppose this looks a little funny. Ranger, you do whatever you have to to keep this man happy. Well, Kid Victory, it looks like tonight is officially not a shitshow. Looking for a big pink guy. Gotta talk to him about a thing over here. Lucini Mancozo? You're on the FBI's most wanted list! What are you doing here? I got business with one of the members of this establishment. Your team associates with the mafia? No, no! We are upstanding, law-abiding superheroes. - Get on the ground, perverts! - It's the fuzz! Somebody's been trolling for young boys from this location. - No, no, no! - Yes, that was me. - I was looking for young boys. - Ranger, stop talking. Oh, god, the kid's dead! All we have to show for our journey to the store is 53 shattered containers of baby food, and one half-eaten jar of pickles. Fully eaten. Who's gonna tell Rex? Not it! Whoa, where'd all this food come from? Lucini and Tonio knew a guy. They won't shut up about it. My cousin Angelo makes the best gabagool. You gotta try this sauce. - We did it! We saved dinner! - You guys didn't do shit! I'm never sending you to the store again! Cool, 'cause we're banned for life. See ya. Glad you agree that it's all just a misunderstanding, Captain. And I hope you enjoy your new anti-tank guns. Absolutely, Mr. Secretary. Well, I better get these criminals to the station. Guys, I'm gonna make this up to you, I promise. They're gonna give us the chair! Oh, well, suck my dick, then. Well, Ranger, looks like another adventure - comes to a satisfying end. - Maybe we can do it again, sometime? I hope so. I don't think this costume is ever coming off. Thanks, Kid. And, um, about the budget? Oh, I think I can see that your funding goes through as long as you stop donking Ranger's wife. I may not be by his side, but I still have his back. Let's get you home, Kid Victory. - Oh! - Mm-hmm. To you, Bugula. You were a worthy foe. Until we meet ag Oh, shit! Bugula's still in my trunk!