Candace Disconnected

(The scene opens in the backyard)

Phineas: You know what, Ferb? This is gonna be the most interesting thing we've ever built.

Ferb: And the tallest.

Phineas: Yes, and the tallest.

Ferb: And the heaviest.

Phineas: Wow, we're chatty today, aren't we?

(In Candace's room)

Candace: (on the "phone") I know, Stace, I can't believe I lost another one! I'll go out of my mind without it!

Linda: (knocks on the door then opens it) Candace, I've got something for you.

Candace: Stacy, I gonna have to call you back. My new phone is here. (reveals her "phone" is actually her hand) Wee! Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme! (receives her phone) So, how many apps does it run? Can I play MP3s and send texts to Stacy the same time? How 'bout... Hey, wait a minute. All this phone does is...make phone calls!

Linda: Sorry, Candace. You've lost four phones in four months, so I got you the cheapest replacement I could find. If you lose this one, it's life without a phone for Candace Flynn. (walks away)

Candace: "Life without a phone for Candace Flynn"? But...but that's me!

Phineas: (outside) Fire in the hole! (explosion)

Candace: Phineas and Ferb, will you keep... (trips over a rug and the cell phone falls out of the window) NOOO!

(The cell phone lands on a soft pile of leaves. She then looks out of the window.)

Oh! Well, how about that? It's all right.

Contractor: Hey, kid, where do you want me to leave these ridiculously heavy bars?

Phineas: Just set them down over there somewhere.

(the contractor truck drops the box down over the cell phone)

Candace: Not on my phone!

Phineas: On second thought, bring 'em over here.

Contractor: Sure thing, kid.

(the truck drives over the cell phone, breaking it even more)

Phineas: Thanks a lot.

Contractor: No sweat, kid.

(drives over the cell phone again)

Candace: AAAAHH!! It's blinking. Maybe it's still okay!

Contractor: Oh, hey. I need you to sign this invoice.

(drives over the cell phone again)

Phineas: Okay. And here...you go.

Contractor: Thanks, kid.

(drives over the cell phone again)

Contractor: Oh, forgot my pen.

(drives over the cell phone again)

Phineas: Here you go.

Contractor: Thanks kid.

(drives over the cell phone again)

Contractor: It had a cap.

Phineas: Oh, sorry.

Contractor: Take it easy, kid.

(drives over the cell phone again)

Candace: (runs down to the backyard) Oh, no! Phonsie! Oh, what've they done to you? (picks up the phone's debris) Hello? Hello? Can anyone hear me?

Phineas: I can hear you, Candace.

Candace: Oh, great, it still works. (at the phone's debris) Yeah, Phineas, I was just telling you that...uh! (realizes)

Phineas: Oh no, is that your new cell phone?

Candace: It used to be. Wait a second. You guys are good with wires and gadgets and stuff. Can you fix it?

Phineas: Well, it took almost forty years to perfect the technology that makes the modern cell phone possible. So...give us thirty-eight minutes. (at Ferb) Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today, before we do the other thing that we were gonna do today. Hey, where's Perry?

(In Perry's lair)

Major Monogram: Carl!

Carl: What?

Major Monogram: Look, I'm getting messages from some diabolically clever hacker, who goes by the sinister initials "TTYL".

Carl: Sir, that means "talk to you later". If you scroll down, you can see that message was from me.

Major Monogram: Oh, oh, I see. That's, uh, very clever.

(Perry lands on his chair)

Oh, good morning, Agent P. Uh...beat it, Carl. I'm on. (Carl leaves) Sources tell us that Doofenshmirtz's "ROTFL". We don't know what that means, but it sounds dangerous.

Carl: Sir, ROTFL means...

Major Monogram: Not now, Carl. I'm briefing Agent P. (at Perry) So get out there and good hunting. (Perry leaves)

Oh, no! Carl, now it just says q-q-q-q-q-q-q.

Carl: It means your thumb is on the Q-key sir.

Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.!

Doofenshmirtz: (on the phone) Charlene, now I'm waiting for my exercise show to start, so I can't get Vanessa from class. Well, why can't you pick her up? Well, how long does the surgery take? What about afterwards? Okay, okay. All right, I'll do it. I'll figure something out. Yes, yes, I promise. Good bye. (turns off the phone) Sheesh. Maybe I could build some sort of Inator that would pick her up for me!

(In the garage at the Flynn-Fletcher home)

Isabella: Hey, Phineas; Whatcha doin'?

Phineas: We made Candace the best phone ever! (reveals the phone) What we've done here is revolutionized modern technology. We put all kinds of cool features on it. My favorite is the voice-activated phone transporter app. Show 'em, Ferb.

(Ferb reveals a video projector) You just say the words, "Go to", and then specify the name or place you're trying to reach, and the phone will take you there. Allow me to demonstrate. (at Isabella) Isabella, would you go stand over there on the driveway, please?

Isabella: Sure, Phineas. (leaves)

Buford: She's gone. Let's talk about her.

Baljeet: Focus, Buford.

Isabella: (on the driveway) Ready spaghetti!

Phineas: (to the cell phone) Go to Isabella.

Cell Phone: Isabella, located.

(Phineas transports to Isabella at a range where their noses appear to be touching)

Isabella: Hey, Phineas. Whatcha doin'?

Phineas: I'm transporting. (to the phone) Go to garage.

Cell Phone: Garage, located.

(Phineas transports back the garage)

Isabella: Dang it!

Buford: So, then, Phineas was all like... (Phineas reappears) I'll finish my story later.

Phineas: And that's how it works.

Candace: Okay, Phineas. Thirty-eight minutes is up.

Phineas: But, Candace, you really should see our interactive tutorial.

Candace: The only thing that I wanna see is you later.

(rim shot on the cell phone) What was that?

Phineas: That was the rim shot app. Are you sure you don't wanna watch the tutorial?

Candace: I'm a teenage girl. Nobody has to teach me how to use a cell phone. Now if you'll excuse me, me and little phonsie-wonsie have to make up for lost time. Okay? Yeah, we do.

Phineas: O-kaay. Let's get back to what we were doing before.

Buford: When we get there, let's talk about Candace.

Doofenshmirtz's (basso profundo solo) basement.

Doofenshmirtz: Man, it's dark down here. (hits over something) Uh, ohh! Turn on the light, Heinz, you're not a bat. (turns on the light) Hey! It's Norm's old head, the original prototype! I wonder if it still works.

Old Norm Head: (sarcastic) Oh, great, look who's here. It's Dr. Doof-degree-purchased-on-the-Internet-with-my-wife's-money-enshmirtz.

Doofenshmirtz: Well, I must say it's good to hear your voice again, too, after so long! I just came down here to get some parts for my new -inator.

Old Norm Head: Hey, take me with you. I haven't seen you blow yourself up for a long time.

Doofenshmirtz: All right, Mr. Smarty-pants. Come on, let's go.

Old Norm Head: Hey, on the way, let's swing by the store and get you some deodorant.

Doofenshmirtz: Quiet, you.

(The two hit over something again)

(In the living room)

Candace: (on her new phone) Yeah, so, like, then I like had to go 38 minutes without a phone, and I was like, "You guys better fix it, or else!" and they were like, "Candace, you're the best big sister we've ever had!" and I was like "Yeah." and they were like "WOOAHEEEHH!"

Stacy: Candace, I'd love to hear more, and I'm sure I will, but right now I'm trying to finish this documentary on Easter Island. Man, I wish I could go.

Candace: Why would you ever want to go to Easter Island?

Cell Phone: Easter Island, located.

Candace: Stacy, what happened to your voice? (transports to Easter Island) Oh, how did I get here? PHINEAS AND FEEERB!

(At Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)

Doofenshmirtz: I've really got to hand it to myself, Norm's Old Head. I'm a genius!

Old Norm Head: Ohh, is that what you see? 'Cause I'm looking at a lab coat filled with Doonkleberries on top of which someone has strategically placed a cabbage.

Doofenshmirtz: This is my new -inator. I call it the Pick-'Em-Up inator.

Old Norm Head: Hm-mm; so what's this one do and where can I hide when it doesn't do it and blows up?

Doofenshmirtz: All I have to do is enter the coordinates and launch. (coughs)

(the -inator flies away)

Vanessa: Ugh. I should've known Dad would be late. (the -inator landed over her and picks her up) Oh, what is this? Curse you, unknown rocket-helmet-transportation thing! (the Inator drops her at her house) Oh, sweet, I'm home. Never mind, unknown rocket-helmet-transportation thing!

Doofenshmirtz: Hey, look, Old Norm Head. It worked. It functioned properly! Vanessa's all picked up and taken home, with three minutes to spare.

Old Norm Head: That's great. We can spend the rest of the day working on your personality. Hey, this time let's try to bump to a C minus.

Doofenshmirtz: You know, I'm starting to remember why I replaced you and put you in storage.

(Door crashes open and Perry enters)

Perry the Platypus? What? I didn't do anything wrong today. I just built an Inator to pick up my daughter. But, hey, as long as you're here, why don't you join me for my evil exercise show? I've got a spare headband.

(Song: Dance Baby)

Dance, baby, dance, baby, hands in the air

Get down to the store, buy a wicker chair

Sweat, baby, sweat, baby, wave your feet

Throw off your shoes and dance to the beat

Just dance, baby (dance, baby)

Dance, baby (dance, baby)

Wave your arms in the air (woo, ooo, ooo)

Wear sunglasses for the glare, yeah, yeah

Shake your feet to the beat (woo, ooo, ooo)

Make sure you get a window seat, yeah

Sweat, baby, sweat, baby, soak your hat

Wring it out, take it to the laundromat

Dance, baby, dance, baby, wave your feet

Throw off your shoes and dance to the beat

Just dance, baby (dance, baby)

Dance, baby (dance, baby)

Dance, baby, dance, baby, shake your hips

Go down to the pier and get some fish and chips

Groove, baby, groove, baby, motivate your limbs

Never eat a cactus if you're out of practice

Shake your feet to the beat, get a window seat

You can feel the heat and you feel complete

You're poppin' it, lockin' it, round-the-clockin' it

Everybody's talkin' it 'cause you're rockin' it

Just dance, baby!

(at Easter Island)

Candace: Easter Island? Who makes an app that sends people in Easter Island? (a bird grabs her cell phone) Hey, come back here! I need that to get home! (runs over a cliff) Aaaah! Oh, that was close. Talk about a cliffhanger.

(rim shot on the cell phone)

(at Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)

Doofenshmirtz: Can I get you a sports drink, Perry the Platypus? No? All right. Suit yourself. Say, as long as you're tied up, I'll tell you the evil plan I just thought of while we were working out. See, I figured my Pick-'Em-Up-Inator works so well; I could mass-produce them and pick up everyone in the Tri-State Area! (drinks the sports drink) Then, they would have to do what I tell them. Man, what is in this stuff?

(at Easter Island)

Candace: Okay, bird! You better give me my phone or I'm gonna rock you to sleep...with a REAL rock!

(rim shot on the cell phone again) Ugh!

(A turtle hears Candace and becomes Agent T, contacting Carl)

Carl: Yes? What is it, Agent T? (Agent T shows him) Oh no, that's Candace Flynn of the Flynn-Fletcher family.

Candace: (on the cliff) Phineas! Aaaaah!

Carl: I better notify Agent P. Good work, Agent T.

(at Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.) Doofenshmirtz: (reading the label) "Glycerol, glycerol, ester of rosin, yellow 15." I guess they had 14 other yellows.

(Perry sees Candace on Easter Island on his wristwatch communicator)

Doofenshmirtz: "Sucrose acetate, isobut."

(Perry hits his foot with a barbell)

Aaah! What was that about? Man, tie a guy up and he gets all foot-stompy on you for no reason!

(Perry activates the Pick-'Em-Up-Inator)

Old Norm Head: Hey, Perry the Platypus, could you do me a favor and leave that remote here?

Doofenshmirtz: Urgh. There, I'm better. Hey. Perry the Platypus, that's it? You're just gonna thwart and run?

(Perry tips his fedora and then leaves)

Curse you, Perry the... (his phone rings) Hello? Oh hi, Vanessa. Yes, that was my -inator. Listen, honey, I'm in the middle of something, hold on one second. (at Perry) ...PLATYPUUUS! (at Vanessa) So, how was class?

(at Easter Island)

Candace: Oh, give me the phone, bird! (the bird pecks her) Aw, aww! Give me a break! (the twig breaks; rim shot on the cell phone again) AAAAAHHH!

(The Inator picks her up) AAAAHHH!

(she passes across the ocean, across a flock of birds, a giant wave, and outside the Earth) AAAAAAAHHHH!

(In the backyard)

Phineas: Well, you were right, Ferb. The most interesting thing we ever built was very tall and very heavy. And the guy from the museum seemed very appreciative.

Ferb: I still can't believe it fit in his truck.

Candace: AAAAAAHHH! (lands beside them)

Phineas: Hey, Candace. Buford was just talking about you.

Candace: You guys are SOOOO busted! I'm calling Mom right now. Oh, no. I don't have the phone! (car honks) That's Mom! When she finds out I lost it, my life is ruined!

Phineas: Relax, Candace. We made two, just in case.

Candace: You did that for me?

Phineas: Well, sure.

Candace: Thank you. You do realize I'm still gonna have to bust you for making me go to Timbuktu?

Cell Phone: Timbuktu, located.

Candace: Meap. (disappears)

Phineas: She's gonna miss pie.

(Candace transports to Timbuktu)

Candace: PHINEAS AND FEEEERB!

(Norm's Old Head lands on Easter Island by the Inator)

Old Norm Head: Finally, a place where a head can be a head. When's the bunny get here with all the eggs? Huh? Yeah, Easter Island? Huh? Huh? Oh, man, where's the bird with the rim shot app when you need him.