The Terrible Secret of Turtle Bay

The Venture Bros.: Pilot [incomplete]

Master. I have news of Dr. Venture's latest invention. Yesterday's New York herald, science section.

Thank you, Kikai.

You have served your master well.

Unh! Wow, thanks! You totally got the kink out of it. And, hey, I don't want to smoke anymore, either.

Scamp! Here, boy! Here, Scamp! Golly, we've searched the whole compound.

Twice.

Where could that rascal have gone? We've gotta get packing if we want to be on time for our trip to the big city.

Yeah.

We don't want Pop to get sore at us.

He's sure on a tear this week.

Aw, he's just excited about exhibiting his new invention at the United Nations is all.

Say, maybe Pop knows where Scamp's gotten to.

Good thinking, bro of mine.

And I thought I was supposed to be the smart one.

Ma Venture didn't raise no fools.

We we don't have a mom, Hank.

Last one to the hangar's a rotten banana! You're a rotten banana.

[ Rock music playing ] Wacky noodle.

Gorilla fart.

Dean and Hank: Hey, Brock! Boys.

Seen dad? Lab.

Man over radio: Brock.

Come in, Brock.

Yeah.

Brock, come to the lab at once.

I've just made an incredible discovery.

Remember those prehistoric bones we found out at the Moroccan site? Well, it turns out your hunch was correct.

They aren't dinosaur bones as we thought after all.

They're robot bones.

Yeah, right, uh.

I'm kinda busy here.

I gotta load all your science crap onto the X-1.

Oh, well, there's plenty of time for that.

You really have to see this to believe it.

Boss, like, I really don't care.

Oh, ok.

Um, I'll just I'll just do my work here then I'll be down in a couple.

Uh-huh. [ Banging ]

Dean and Hank: Hey, Pop! [ Sighs ] Boys.

We've looked all over, and we can't find Scamp, Pop.

Have you seen him? Scamp? Well, of course I have.

He's right over there.

Dean and Hank: Scamp! He he's all inside out! Dean, Dean, Dean.

You're supposed to be the smart one.

You know your father would never turn Scamp inside out.

I've simply removed all of his skin.

Jeepers! Scamp's an integral part of some groundbreaking research I'm doing for a major cosmetics corporation.

You see, their test animals are always expiring before they can finish performing all their super important makeup experiments on them.

So your father is perfecting a way of keeping them alive longer.

But, Pop Hank! You like pretty girls, don't you? - And how! - And how! Well, pretty girls need cosmetics.

How do you think they get so pretty? So the next time you see an attractive young lady, and you're sure to see plenty in New York City, you just think of old Scamp over there and all he's done for pretty girl science.

[ Crash ] Brock.

Brock: Stay back, Doc.

Another one of those mummies got stuck in our landing gear.

Who dares to desecrate the sacred tomb of Ow! Hey, wait! Wait a minute! [ Grunting ] There's no reason to ow! [ Grunting ] [ Bones crunching ] Hey! Ow! Holy toledo! He curved on him! Way to give him a little chin music, Brock.

Well, that oughta take care of that.

Look! Brock still ain't done with him.

[ Unzipping ] [ Urinating ] That's showing him who's boss, Brocko.

Was that really necessary? You have to defile a mummy completely or they come back to life.

You know that.

Yes, yes.

Of course.

Man: Dr. Thaddeus Venture.

He's been a thorn in the Monarch's side for far too many years.

But all that is about to change.

In a moment, you men will be launched into the Venture Compound.

Inside this ingeniously modern Trojan horse.

My false meteor will land safely inside the Venture's security perimeter looking for all intents and purposes like a real meteor.

Dr. Venture's legendary scientific curiosity will naturally get the better of him.

And when he immediately drills open the cosmic mystery, he'll get a faceful of men.

My men! Loyal foot soldiers in my war on everything.

And deadly! Just like the monarch butterfly of my namesake.

Wha? Butterflies aren't deadly Dr.

Girlfriend, the hatch, please.

[ Deep voice ] Ready for launch.

Monarch: 3, 2, 1, launch.

Fly, my beautiful soldiers.

Fly.

Zoom! Well, that's the last of it.

Ready for takeoff? Yes.

Go.

Now.

[ Imitating driving ] Stop it, stop it, stop it.

The X-1 is not a toy.

Buckle up.

Phbbt! Holy mother of crap! A meteor! From outer space! Probably wanna check it out, huh, Doc? No time.

No time.

Ok.

Man: I can't get the hatch open.

We landed facedown.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

We're gonna die in here.

Oh, man.

We're not going to have to eat each other, are we? Screw that! What are we gonna do about poo poos? Hmm.

[ Snickering ] - Yippee! - The United Nations! Stay in the X-1, boys.

Dean and Hank: Doh!

Man: Dr. Venture.

We've been expecting you.

Yes.

We're right on time, as always.

You remember my man Brock from last year.

But of course.

We still haven't been able to get the stains out of the carpet.

Guards, help Mr. Samson with Dr. Venture's baggage, please.

Come, Dr. Venture.

Once you unload, I'll show you where you can set up your equipment.

Super good.

Oh, gentlemen, be careful not to get too close to the X-1's engines. Cancer.

No way! No, no.

There's no need for those.

Watch.

Good God, what's he doing now? [ Crunch ] Being thorough.

[ Grunt ] It probably stowed away back when we were down in Brazil last week.

Big one, too.

Halt.

Sir, you can't enter the United Nations with that weapon.

It's all right, soldier.

Mr. Samson is my bodyguard.

Just the same, Doctor, no weapons allowed.

I'll have to confiscate it.

Go ahead.

Take it from me.

And this is the exhibition hall, where you'll be giving your demonstration tomorrow.

God, who designed this place? Frank Lloyd Wrong? Ha ha ha.

Ahem.

Um, Brock, why don't you take the boys over to the hotel now.

Yeah, all right.

There's no tail at this con anyway.

Ah, Mr. Senzuri, I'd like you to meet Dr. Venture.

Dr. Venture.

This suspicious-looking-Asian fellow here is Otaku Senzuri.

He represents the Onani Corporation of Japan.

I've been most anxious to meet you, Dr. Venture.

Most anxious.

I've been hearing a lot about the exciting technological advances you've made.

I'm eager to see them.

Ah, yes.

Um.

I mean, thank you.

[ Slurp ] [ Snoring ] [ Dean, whispering ] This is gonna be awesome.

Shh.

Quiet.

We don't want to wake up dad.

[ Door shuts ] [ Clang ] Captain to co-captain.

Prepare to dive.

Roger, captain.

Co-captain closing the hatch.

[ Clanging ] Uhh.

Ha ha.

Clever boys.

But not nearly clever enough.

Did they really think they could hide it from me for long? Whoa, hey, don't rock the boat, Dean-o.

That's Captain Dean-o to you.

And these rough seas ain't my doing.

[ Grunting ] Ow! Uhh.

[ Gasping ] Where is it? Where is he hiding it?

Dean and Hank: [ Gasp ]

A ninja! Quick, Dean, deploy the J-U-D-O.

You win this round, Venture.

But it is not the last.

Brock: Doc. Doc. [ Punch ] Doc! [ Punch ] Doc! - Doc! - Ow! Ohh I was in the mommy place.

Get up.

The boys are gone.

Not answering their communicator watches, either.

Well, find them, for God's sake.

I swear, if they screw up my gig at the U.

N Ohh wowie zowie.

What a headache.

We must have gone off on one of those benders Brock's always talking about.

Where are we, anyway? Beats me.

Let's check our satellite link navigational watches.

Gone! Now I remember.

Hmm.

Dr. Venture's precocious progenies.

They will be his undoing.

Cab driver: That'll be $53.

50.

$53.

50? Ohh What the hell is this supposed to be? It's an I.O.U. for your life.

Ha ha.

You see, just like the flawless monarch butterfly from which I take my name, the Monarch has many ways to sting.

Holy guacamole! A giant butterfly! Criminy! That's no butterfly.

It's that guy that's always hating dad.

Super runaway! Boys.

Come in, boys.

What's your location? Boy: Oh, snap.

Check this out.

It's like some Star Trek crap.

What up, fool? [ Beeping ] [ Bell rings ] Quick! We ride the rails.

[ Grunting and mumbling ] They've spotted me.

Wiley boys.

Man: All right, there, princess.

I saw you jump the turnstile.

Let's go.

Plebeian, clearly your fear has blinded you, for you dare to lay hands upon aah! Oh, that is it.

[ Bell rings ] Aah! No! Aah! No! No! Ow! Aw, damn! [ Growl ] Scram! No! Oh! Oh! Oh, man, what aw, we Aw! Aw! Aah! Uhh! I think we super lost him.

Good teamwork, big brother.

Hey, look.

It's one of those pretty girls Pop was telling us about.

You boys looking for some action? And how.

We're always looking for action.

And adventure.

Hey, hey, listen.

Ain't safe to talk business on the street.

Why don't I take you boys back to my busy beehive? - Yes, ma'am.

- Yes, ma'am.

All right, that's it.

I'm through screwing around.

Those two are so dead.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've seen a great many wonderful achievements in science today.

Our last presenter's father is a legend in these hallowed halls, and we all expect great things of him.

I present to you, from the United States, Dr.

Thaddeus Venture.

Watch and learn, Slim.

[ Applause ] Good evening.

Since the dawn of time, man has strived to achieve greatness.

He's reached toward the heavens.

He's journeyed to the bottom of the seas.

He's built massive cities full of wonder and beauty.

And above all, he's sought to make peace with his brothers on this wondrous planet we call earth.

Well, today, mankind takes another small step toward achieving its ultimate goal.

I present to you the Oo-Ray.

[ Humming ] U.N.

Science Director: Dr. Venture, that is enough.

This is supposed to be a peaceful exhibition of scientific breakthroughs for the betterment of all mankind, and you show up with this this This weapon of devastation.

Weapon? What are you talking about? Then what the hell do you call it? The Oo-Ray.

I mentioned that.

Why, the applications are limitless.

Are you kidding me? You blew up a model city with it.

What are we supposed to think? Look it even melted all the little people and stuff.

Oh Well, I suppose if it ever fell into the wrong hands, it could be modified and used as a weapon after a fashion.

But that's true of almost any technology.

Really? I can't see anybody using Dr.

Olafsen's amazing hello helmet for ill.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm terribly sorry we have to conclude our presentations on this note.

Please, everyone, if you would adjourn to the next room, we'll be having refreshments and cocktails.

Thank you.

Ha ha.

Your clever boys aren't here to protect your secret this time, Venture.

Well, well, well, it looks as if these Venture boys are not quite so young and innocent as I thought.

They seem to have already discovered the fleshy jig of the mommy and daddy dance.

No matter.

For as the monarch butterfly spins its deadly web, so shall I set my fiendish trap Yo, coke, smoke, dope? [ Clicking ] Uh.

Oh.

Ahem.

No, I'm cool.

[ Mattress squeaking ] Ok, big fella, you first.

I charge you 10 bucks for the gilded lily, 20 for the Roman holiday, 50 for the old walrus and carpenter, and for 75 you can sleigh ride down Kilimanjaro.

[ Gulp ] Ma'am? Ok, tell you what.

Why don't we start nice and slow and get to know each other? She touched me where I make cissy! Aah! Phbbt! Ack! Oh, sweet mama jama.

Where are they, Monarch? What'd you do with the boys? Wait a minute.

Wait, wait.

Ow.

Ow! Aah! Hey, look! It's the United Nations.

Pop's in there right now.

Jiggy.

Let's go surprise him.

Way to go, Venture.

Yeah, smooth move, ex-lax.

Oh, look who's talking.

Your hastily assembled cardboard diorama entitled "Where does rain come from?" was not exactly the highlight of these proceedings.

Hey, guys, the surgeon general from Mexico is mixing up margaritas.

Come on.

Dean and Hank: Dad! Boys, what the hell are you doing here? Where've you been? We've been on a bona fide New York adventure.

We saw beautiful girls and ninjas and everything.

Yes, yes.

Is Brock with you? I wanna get the hell out of here, and I need him to pack up the Oo-Ray.

Naw, Pop.

We haven't seen him.

Very well.

Then you two can help me.

[ Grunting ] Mother of crap.

Security! Security! He's disappeared.

No.

He's right there.

Nice work, boys.

I'm very sorry about this, Dr. Venture.

Although it serves you right for bringing that thing in here.

With all these foreigners around, someone's bound to try to steal a weapon like that.

Psh.

Weapon.

He wasn't trying to steal it.

He was masturbating like a teenager with a fast internet connection.

Master what? Like an evil master plan? No, boys, Otaku Senzuri isn't evil.

He's a technology fetishist: a man who can only achieve full arousal when in the presence of high-tech equipment: electronics, computers, undersea rovits.

That sort of thing.

It's only natural your dad's work would have peaked his fancy fine technological doodad like this.

Fine technological doodad? You mean you like it? We sure do, Doc.

The army will take 100 of them.

Ha! Well, I don't know what use the army will have for them, but it's a deal, general.

I'd, uh, better get right to work on those.

Well, looks like all's well that ends well.

Another successful adventure for the best family in the whole wide world.

Go Team Venture! I suppose.

But wait a minute.

What happened to Brock? Phew.

That was some workout, big man.

But I guess you're gonna have to go look for those boys now, huh? They'll turn up.

Besides, I still got $300 left.

Ooh.

3 bills can buy you an awful lot of things.

And, uh, I'm gonna want change.

They did a real job on you, mister, but you're gonna make it.

Hard to believe, considering the size of this thing we pumped from your stomach.

Don't throw those out.