Superstitious Stimpy

(Episode begins with Stimpy hammering a mounted boar's head on the wall above the fireplace. Ren enters with a novel on hand.)

Ren: Hey! What's with all the consarned banging? I'm trying to read!

Stimpy: Don't you know what TODAY is Ren? It's Tuesday The 17th, the unluckiest day of the year!

Stimpy: You see Ren..when the moon enters Libra, and the House of Confluence shifts into retrograde, Virgo erupts under pressure from Mercury. This causes the planets to align in a conga line, of chaos and disaster!

Ren: And what does that have to do with nailing a boar's head to the wall?

Stimpy: Well, we need to de-luckify all that unlucky unluckiness. And a mounted boar's head is notoriously lucky! (kisses the boar's head on the lips) You should try it Ren! Come on, kiss the pig on the mouth.

Ren: (takes both the boar's head and Stimpy) You are a brainless spaz! Don't you know an old husband's tale when you hear one? Cooked up by the Boar's head industry to make money off suckers like you.

Stimpy: Stop it, Ren! Don't you know it's bad luck to ridicule superstitions? Must counteract bad ju-ju! (begins swats himself with thorns of roses) Ahh... that's better.

Ren: Now I'll show you what we do with stupid superstitions. (prepares himself to kick the head. An arm grabs his kicking leg.) Huh?

(Scene cuts to reveal the mounted boar's body holding Ren by the leg)

Boar's Head: So, stupid superstition am I?! Now I'll show YOU what we do with lousy boar's heads theives! (The boar kick's Ren into the air as it screws its mounted head back on his body and leaves.)

Stimpy: Wow, lucky for him we found his head, eh Ren? Ren? (notice's Ren's head stuck through the ceiling) Uh-oh, head imbedded in ceiling. More bad ju-ju! (swats himself with rose thorns once again)

(Scene fades to house exterior with flames roaring inside and Ren in front of the flames. Scene then cuts to reveal Ren preparing his grill for barbecuing inside the house.)

Ren: Well, it's time to start the barbeque. The coals are ready, all we need is the meat. Hey, Stimpy! (Stimpy zips in) Run and fetch me that side of beef out of the meat locker.

Stimpy: But Ren, barbequeing indoors is terrible bad luck! (Ren swats him with the spatula)

Ren: Get in there and get my meat!

(Scene fades to Stimpy carrying a beef carcass out of the meat locker.)

Stimpy: Poor Ren, he's in mortal danger. He leaves me no choice!

Ren: Now where is that bone-head with my carcass? He's been gone for a half hour. My fire's dying down!

(Scene cuts to the beef carcass on an idol with Stimpy worshiping the idol.)

Stimpy: (chanting) Ah-lah-lah-lah-lo. Sava-sivi-sava. Oobi-aba-nuba. Ub Iwerks. Oh great exalted ju-ju mombasa, please accept this filthy offering, so that Old Lady Misfortune will ne'er again..hock phlegm in our face again.

(Ren approaches behind as lightning crashes in the background.)

Ren: Is that my beef carcass?

Stimpy: Yes it is, Ren! Beef carcasses are very lucky you know, once we immerse it in common house o-bile!

Ren: ''WHAT?! ''That meat goes in my mouth, not your bile!

Stimpy: But, but Ren..Tuesday..17!

(Ren knocks Stimpy down to the floor on his head as the chihuahua proceeds to lift the beef carcass and, with a grunt, tosses it back in the house through the window, and it lands on their bed.)

Stimpy: NOOOO!!! You've done it now Ren! It's TERRIBLE bad luck to toss your carcass on the bed!

Ren: I wave my shiny red keister in the face of you, and your stuper-stitions!

Stimpy: No, Ren! It's bad juju to blaspheme!

Ren: Juju, huh? Ooh, I'm so scared! The big bad juju's gonna get me. Come on, juju, I'm calling you out!

(lightning crashes and strikes Ren.)

Ren: Ow, ow, ow, ow...

Stimpy: Ha, ha. Gee Ren, I guess you didn't know it was unlucky to---

Ren: (in a thunderously ominous voice) GET IN THE HOUSE!!!!

Stimpy: (scared) Yes sir. (Runs back to the house)

(Scene fades to Ren's beef carcus roasting on his bed, ignited on fire)

Ren: Well here I am, cooking my side of beef, on a bed full of hats, under an open umbrella, under a ladder! While a black cat crosses my path.

Stimpy: (crossing Ren's path in a black cat suit) Uh, Ren? It..it's bad luck to---

Ren: Shut your festering cakehole! (takes out a mirror) I'm gonna prove to you that there ain't no such thing as juju, and that you, are, a..MORON. (proceeds to throw mirrors at Stimpy) Now get back to crossing my path, Blackie, and don't forget to step on those cracks! (laughing maniacally) Well, I'm waiting, and nothing's happening. I'm perfectly fine, there ain't no juju, and you are still the undisputed king of morons! Now what have we learned today?

Stimpy: Umm, uh..ah, ummm...

Ren: All superstitions..

Stimpy: Um, all superstitions..

Ren: Are fake..

Stimpy: Are fake..

Ren: And you are an idiot.

Stimpy: And I am a idiot. Daahh, I get it Ren. You mean that all superstitions are stupid and the only ones that believe in them are a idiot. Which is me.

Ren: Exactly. Now what's our superstition?

Stimpy: Duhh, They are a bunch of crap. (emits a dopey grin)

Ren: That's right. Now that that's settled... (pokes the carcass with the pitchfork) Breakfast is served.

Stimpy: Oh boy!

Ren: Now where's the syrup? (tilts his head to reveal a large birthmark with "Argentina" on it)

Stimpy: (shocked) Yow! Ren, what's that on your neck?

Ren: What? This? That's my birthmark. I can't believe you've never noticed it before.

Stimpy: (takes out his Guide to Unlucky Stuff and looks up "Birthmarks and Discolorations" to find he same birthmark Ren has) Oh my! (turns to "Other Telling Signs of Damnation") Oh dear! It says here: "the only thing unluckier tan a purple map on your face is webbed toes." Hmmm...

(Stimpy walks slowly whistling up to Ren, who's wearing steel-toe boots, and then goes after his right foot.)

Ren: Stimpy, no! Stop! (He shrieks as Stimpy pulls off his boot)

Stimpy: (He gasps in horror to find that Ren's right foot is a duck's foot, accompanied by a duck's quack.) Webbed toes!

Ren: Yeah, So?

Stimpy: (scared) Ren, you're... You're.... (He takes off Ren's chef hat to reveal a unicorn's horn on his head.) ...the unlucky beast!!

Ren: (mournful) Okay... I admit it. I was born on Tuesday the 17th! (crying) I AM the unluckiest one in the world!

Stimpy: (sympathetically) There, there, ol' scratch. Don't worry your little horn. I know exactly what to do to change your luck forever.

(Scene fades to the living room changed into a voodoo setting with Stimpy mixing a brew in his pot for Ren, with his horn covered by a sock.)

Stimpy: (passes a full glass to Ren) Quick, Ren! Drink this and don't swallow. (Ren drinks the contents) It's putrefied toad squeezing. (Ren drops the glass with a disgusted look on his face. Stimpy positions Ren's head as he gargles) Now hold still and keep gargling. (Stimpy reaches off screen and drains the contents of another full glass into his mouth) A hot mug of baboon drool! (He then stuffs the contents from a big sack onto Ren's mouth) .. and a big fresh bag of owl pellets! Okay, onto step two!

(Cut to scene with Ren and Stimpy on the roof)

Stimpy: Some people say bad luck spirits are all a-scared of heights. So, jumping off this roof should scare them away. Okay?

Ren: Okay.

Stimpy: I'll go first. (Stimpy holds a goat onto his back and jumps off the roof) Geronimo!

Goat: (Holds Ren onto his back and jumps off) Remember the alamo!

Beef Carcass: (grabs two goats on each hand and jumps off) I hate goats! (The carcass lands on the two.)

Stimpy: (dazed tone) We're getting luckier by the minute, Ren. I can feel it in my bones.

(Scene fades to Stimpy holding a "Checklist for Anti-Bad-Luck Charms.)

Stimpy: I think that's that. Now let's do a double check. Okay, Ren?

Ren: (with mouth full) Okay.

Stimpy: Cinder block possum hat?

Ren: Check.

Stimpy: Garlic-filled underpants?

Ren: Check.

Stimpy: Skunk shoes?

Ren: Check.

Stimpy: Ample supply of leeches?

Ren: Check.

Stimpy: And you got your mouth full of pig intestines. (Ren shows the pig intestines from his mouth) Alrighty then. You're 100% certifiably bad-luck-proof! (zips out of the room) Just hold that pose until the 18th and you'll be fine.

(Time passes as scene fades to nighttime with Ren still holding the same pose)

Ren: (muffled) Stimpy? Stimpy. (swallows the pig intestines) Stimpy, I gotta go!

Stimpy: (seen lying in bed with a heart-shaped back-board, watching TV while eating chocolates) Okay, Ren. But be careful.

Ren: (peers outside and walks over to an outhouse, still holding the same pose.) Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go! (He walks into the outhouse, takes his garlic-filled undies off, and does his business. He sighs with relief) Safe and sound at last.

(Outside the outhouse, it starts to rain and lightning strikes the outhouse, blowing it up. Back at home, Stimpy is darning a scarf and spitting in a spittoon while a choking Ren opens the door.)

Stimpy: Ren, is that you? (The cat yelps, wearing a shocked expression as Ren, intensely charred up and stammering, walks into the house and hides into the spittoon. Lightning strikes the spittoon with Ren in it.) That tears it! There's only one thing left to do!

(Scene transitions to Stimpy rummaging in the closing with a scared Ren,)

Ren: (frightened) Hurry, Stimpy. I'm liable to be killed at any second.

Stimpy: (takes out a sack with red polka-dots) Here you go, Ren.

Ren: What is it?

Stimpy: This is the luckiest charm in the entire world. It's been handed down in my family for generations and I want you to have it. (pulls string to reveal a lucky foot). My luck leper's foot!

Ren: Wow! Are y- Are you sure I can have it?

Stimpy: Ren, the best fortune I could have is seeing you be happy. (hands him the leper's foot)

Ren: Wow. Thanks, pal. (kisses the foot and a toe falls out of it) Hey! I feel luckier already. From this day forward, my luck's gonna change!

(The boar from earlier busts in with a leper on his back)

Boar: There he is! That's the guy who stole your foot!

(The leper takes his foot from Ren and proceeds to smack him on the head with it.)

Ren: Ow! Stop! Hey! No! Ow! Oh! Stop, please!

Stimpy: Golly! Smighted by a leper. Ren is so lucky!

(Stimpy giggles as the episode ends with an iris-out.)