One of Those Eds

''[Jonny is walking down the lane. He rounds the corner to the street, and almost immediately comes running back, Eddy hot on his trail. After a brief tussle, Eddy catches Jonny and carries him away.]'' Eddy: [carrying Jonny] "Kinda running on empty, aren'tcha Jonny?" Jonny: [bleary-eyed] "Yep. I'm pooped, Eddy." Eddy: "Well it's your lucky day, Jonny boy, for we at Ed's Beds have a top notch collection of mattresses for all of your sleep needs." [We see a vast assortment of beds.] "All available for a one-time special low price." Jonny: "Beds?"

Edd: "That's correct, Jonny. All our mattresses have been fully reconditioned, with a coating of Eddy's very own "They'll Never Know They're Stinking Junkyard Mattresses" paint." Rolf: "Ed-boys!" [Rolf is at the returns counter, hunched over.] "Your mattress has ruptured Rolf's tailbone! Who is in charge of this double-crossing slumber flim-flammery?" Eddy: "What's it to ya?" Rolf: "Return Rolf's money!" [He throws the bed, which is really just a painted wooden board, to the ground.]

Eddy: "Mommy!" ''[He runs down the lane, away from an angered and aching Rolf. Rolf, although in extreme pain and moving incredibly slowly, manages to catch him and beat him up.]'' Eddy: [bruised] "Of all the rotten no-good–how's a guy supposed to get ahead in life if he has to give back all the money?" ''[Suddenly Eddy stops and returns to a spot. In the middle of the sidewalk is a gleaming quarter. He tries to pick it up but is unable to. He tries a few more times, attempting to get it done with even more force on each, but the coin refuses to leave the pavement.]'' Eddy: [running back to his scam] "Double D?" [He stops and covers the quarter with his hand.] "Um, Ed?" [He backs away again.] "Guys?" [Eddy comes back to make sure nobody steals it.] Eddy: "Stay calm, Eddy. Think think. I know! I'll hide it." [He sights his shoe and places it over the coin.] "Hey guys!" ''[Eddy runs back to his friends. Jimmy appears. He checks to make sure Eddy is gone, and then goes over to the shoe. Jimmy picks up the shoe and looks inside. Finding nothing, he looks down and sees the quarter. He flicks away the shoe and reaches down.]'' Jimmy: "I found a lucky quarter!" [Like Eddy before him, he is unable to pick it up.] "Jeepers! You're a tough nut to crack. Guard my coin with your tushy, Mr. Yum-Yum." [He puts the stuffed bear down on the quarter.] "I'll go get some muscle. Sarah!" ''[Kevin peeks over the fence. He walks over and picks up Mr. Yum-Yum.]'' Kevin: "Looks like Fluffy forgot his stuffed rag. Whoa. Cool." [Kevin tosses the bear away and casually tries to pick up the quarter.] Kevin: [sprawled on his back.] "Whoa. Ouch." [twirling a screwdriver] "Tough guy, huh?" [He tries to wedge the screwdriver under the coin, but only succeeds in bending the tool out of shape, rendering it useless.] "Man, that bites." [Kevin, unhappy, places his hat over the coin and tosses the screwdriver over the fence.] Kevin: "I'll be back." Rolf: [rounding the corner from the Lane just as Kevin leaves] "WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS DINGUS PIERCING ROLF'S HOT WATER SACK?" [Kevin's screwdriver was, unluckily, thrown into Rolf's hot water bottle.]

[Rolf lifts Kevin's cap.] Rolf: "Why would Kevin leave his hat on the paved footpath?" [He spots the coin.] "A gift from the gods." ''[Rolf puts on Kevin's hat and attempts to pick it up. Unable to do so after straining, he sets to a new method, unseen before.]'' Rolf: "Obstinate coin from where I don't know, prepare yourself for an unmerciless beating by Rolf's shoe!" [Rolf takes off his right shoe and throws it onto the coin.] Rolf: "Had enough? No? Perhaps a two-shoe beating is more your vocation!" [Rolf proceeds to use both shoes on the coin.] Rolf: "Is this a test? Tell me, Lost-of-the-Red-Cent, have you ever experienced–" [picking up Eddy's shoe with his teeth] "–the Almighty Three-Shoe Beating?" [Rolf starts the torture.] Rolf: "Take this! Take that! One for the road!" ''[When the beating is finished, the coin is still stuck. Rolf goes off, frustrated. On the way, he spits out Eddy's shoe, which lands on the coin. Eddy rounds the corner, Ed and Edd in tow.]'' Eddy: "I'm telling you, it's just stuck there! Hard as a rock." [The Eds come upon Eddy's shoe.] "Whaddya think?" Ed: "Look, a shoe! Do you think it'll fit me?" Eddy: "Forget the shoe! It's the quarter I want!" Edd: "At which point every attempt will be made to return it to its rightful owner." Eddy: [angry] "In your dreams! Finders keepers losers weepers." Ed: [muffled] "Nice skin, huh Eddy?" Eddy: "Gimme back my shoe!" [Edd examines the quarter while his friends fight in the background.] Ed: "Nice shoe!" Eddy: "Give that here, Ed! Ed! Do it now!" Ed: "Birds of a feather stink together, Eddy!" Edd: "Can I have some quiet, please? How anyone is to establish a criteria on the adhering capabilities of a twenty-five cent piece is beyond me!" Eddy: "Let go, you idiot!" [He gets his shoe.] "Ain't you done yet?" [While Eddy is distracted, Ed steals the shoe back.] Kevin: [ramming a pipe wrench onto the quarter] "Out of the way, Dorky." Eddy: "What do you think you're doing?" Sarah: "Look out, one side!" ''[She punches Eddy and Kevin out of the way. Edd wisely backs off.]'' Jimmy: "See? That's my lucky quarter, Sarah!" Rolf: "Back away from there!" [Rolf knocks Kevin, Jimmy, and even Sarah out of the way.] Rolf: [addressing the quarter] "This time Rolf will be serious!" Eddy: [mad at all the people trying to horn in] "It's mine! I found the quarter!" Kevin: [coming back for more] "Save your breath, losers. That's my quarter." Sarah: [elbowing Kevin out of the way] "Take a hike. Jimmy found that quarter first." Ed: "I found this shoe!" ''[A brawl ensues. Kevin's shoe falls off and lands on the sidewalk in front of Edd.]'' Ed: "Shoes for the taking Double D!" [Ed enters the fight, presumably so he can steal more shoes.] Eddy: "That's my quarter!" [He goes in.] Edd: [being ignored] "Your attention please. People. I may have a solution to everyone's dilemma." Jimmy: "Hey everybody, let's be nice. Shush. Double D's got something to–" [Rolf and Kevin's bodies fly into Jimmy.] Rolf: "May the onion of agony soil your macaroon!" [Kevin cracks Rolf's back.] "Rolf's back. It has been healed. Thank you, Kevin. But you are a nincompoop, as the coin is mine!" [Rolf leaps into the fray again.] Kevin: "Hey, lay off, it's mine!" [He reenters the fight.] [Edd, with cotton stuffed in his ears, blows an air horn.] Kevin: "Dude." Sarah: "WHADDYA TRYIN TO DO, BLOW OUR HEADS OFF?" Edd: [unplugging his ears] "Crude, yet effective. Let's begin, shall we?"

[The kids who were fighting for the coin are arranged in a line blocked off by a makeshift velvet rope.] Edd: "I took the liberty of arranging you in a more orderly and civil manner. The person who succeeds in dislodging this mystical coherent quarter will be appointed trustee, and bask in the glory of found legal tender." Jimmy: "And I'm first in line!" Eddy: [at the back of the line] "This stinks, I saw it first! It's my quarter!" Ed: "If you smelt it, you dealt it, Eddy." Sarah: "Go on, Jimmy, you show 'em!" Jimmy: "My trusty eyelash curler will peel off that puppy!" [Edd unhooks the rope, allowing Jimmy through.] Edd: "Good luck, Jimmy!" [Jimmy sets to work, but soon the sounds of a mishap are heard.] Jimmy: "Aah!" Sarah: "Jimmy!"

[An ambulance drives off, Jimmy in its back.] Kevin: "Eyelashes ain't the only thing that thing curls!" [He laughs.] Sarah: [concentrating on the task at hand] "My turn my turn my turn!" Edd: "Okay, wait, I'll just–" Sarah: "Outta my way!" [Sarah jumps the rope.] Eddy: "Oh no. Look at Sarah work that coin with her big mouth!" [Sarah is indeed grinding her teeth against the coin to try and dislodge it.] "Hey Sarah! I can see your undies!" ''[Kevin and Eddy laugh. Sarah walks away, embarrassed and angry.]'' Kevin: [approaching the tender] "Kiss your dreams goodbye, 'cause it's mine." [Eddy creeps to the rope.] Rolf: "Weasel in the henhouse Ed-boy! You dare cheat Rolf of his frontmost position?" Eddy: [making up a shoddy excuse] "Front? What are you talking about? The front is that way." [He points in the opposite direction.] "Yeah." Edd: [threatening] "I've been watching you, and if you think–" [Eddy grabs Edd's feet and shoves them down his throat.] ''[Kevin has been using his bike and a hook, attempting to rip the coin off the pavement. The hook suddenly loses its grip on the coin, and the bike shoots off without Kevin.]'' Kevin: "My bike!" [He hurries after the vehicle.] Eddy: "My turn!" Rolf: [punching Eddy into the pavement] "Rolf is next!" Ed: [with shoes in his mouth] "Yay Rolf!"

Rolf: "You have messed with the rest, now the best will make a mess, implement of commercial enterprise!" [Rolf moves to attack, but before he can do anything his back gives out again.] Rolf: "Rolf's back is cricked yet again!" Eddy: "My turn!" [He runs up and kicks Rolf out of the way.] Edd: "Well, that can't be good for Rolf's back." Ed: [Rolf's shoe over his head] "The light doesn't get any greener, Double D."

''[Eddy is standing on a tree branch. In one had is a snow shovel; in the other, a rope. The rope is tied to a telephone pole. Apparently Eddy plans to swing down, using the snow shovel to pick up the coin.]'' Eddy: "You're as good as spent, after I scrape you off with my Shovel of Doom!" ''[Eddy leaps from the tree. Everything works as planned, except the shovel does not pick up the coin; the coin's inertia is actually enough to bend the shovel in the middle, rendering it useless. Eddy, meanwhile, goes flying through Ed's pile of shoes and crashes down the sidewalk.]'' Eddy: "Okay wait, I got it." [His second plan yields an identical result.] "This time for real." [His third attempt is no charm.] "Ow..." ''[Eddy attempts many more things, each failing in exactly the same way. The sun goes down, and it is late evening before Edd speaks up.]'' Edd: "Eddy, this is obviously not working." Eddy: "Look at it, Double D! It's just begging us to take it. C'mon, you must have thought of a way to get it by now." Edd: "Well...yes, I have given it some thought." [Ed puts a shoe on top of his head.] Eddy: "I knew it!" Edd: [picking up a huge sheaf of papers] "And they're all here, documented in my proposal for said quarter removal." Eddy: [taking the papers] "These are your thoughts?" Edd: "We'll need many supplies! Of course, I'll need help in setting the groundwork." Eddy: [plucking the shoe from Edd's hat] "Oh Ed!" [He places his shoe over the quarter.] "Stay." [He runs after Edd.] "Wait up, Double D!"

''[By starlight, many parts are dragged to the site of the quarter. The Eds then begin to build. Such things as turbines and shovels are added to the machine. Eddy then starts it, and we see that it is a monstrous, spider-like contraption, which begins to scoop shovelfuls of dirt out of the ground.]''

''[It is morning. Eddy is sleeping, clutching at a pillar of dirt on which the still-stuck quarter rests. Ed is also snoozing, in one of the machine's shovels. Edd himself has fallen asleep at the controls. Jonny comes by and walks in and out of the crater without care as Ed awakes.]'' Jonny: "Let's check and see, Plank." ''[Eddy, bleary-eyed, looks up. Jonny grabs the quarter and pulls it up, revealing it's stuck to the sidewalk by a pink residue.]'' Jonny: "Look! It's still here!" [He lifts the quarter and the residue off the pavement completely.] "And you were right! No one found it under the quarter!" ''[Edd awakens. Jonny bites the pink stuff off the bottom of the coin and chews it.]'' "Bubble gum sure does taste better with age, huh buddy?" [Jonny pockets the quarter and walks away happily.] Ed: "Is that Jonny? Hello, Jonny." [realizes] "Yum yum bubble gum!" Edd: "Gum? It was just a wad of–" [He inadvertently pushes a lever.] Eddy: "Hey! Get back here with my quarter, Melonhead!" ''[The lever moves the shovel Ed is in. The shovel knocks Eddy off his perch, and then dumps Ed (along with his stockpile of shoes) into the crater.]'' Edd: [still befuddled] "I've heard of squirrels storing their food, but gum? I mean, that's just plain kooky!" [Edd steps away from the panel into a puddle.] Edd: [looking down at his soaked, sock-clad feet] "Oh, for crying out loud–Ed! Could I please have my shoes back?" Ed: "You snooze, you lose, Double D!" Eddy: [looking at his bare feet] "What the–Hey! Gimme my shoes!" [He begins chasing Ed.] Ed: "What can you do when you live in a shoe and you ain't got no sole?" Edd and Eddy: "ED!"