Born This Way

VOICEOVER: So here’s what you missed on Glee. The glee club’s getting ready for Nationals, and Quinn’s getting ready to be prom queen.

(QUINN looks at prom crowns; Cut to FINN and QUINN by the lockers)

QUINN: We need to get elected for prom king and queen. It’s the ultimate status symbol.

VOICEOVER: Kurt had to leave McKinley because Karofsky threatened him…

(Cut to SUE, BURT and KURT in Sue’s office as principal)

SUE: I can’t expel a kid for shoving. He’ll just say, “I didn’t mean to shove that kid. I tripped.” Excuse works like a charm. I use it all the time.

VOICEOVER: But at least he’s got Blaine and the Warblers, who just lost at Regionals to the New Directions.

(Cut to BLAINE and KURT at PAVAROTTI’s grave)

BLAINE: We got each other out of all this. That beats a lousy trophy, don’t you think?

VOICEOVER: Santana’s got it bad for Brittany…

(Cut to ARTIE looking scared; Cut to BRITTANY and SANTANA in SANTANA’s room)

BRITTANY: This relationship is really confusing for me.

SANTANA: Breakfast is confusing for you.

BRITTANY: Well, sometimes it’s sweet and sometimes it’s salty. Like, what if I have eggs for dinner, then what is it?

(Cut to WILL and EMMA dancing to Touch-A Touch-A)

VOICEOVER: Will’s sort of always had it bad for Emma, but lately she’s gotten super crazy with the cleaning fruit and stuff.

(Cut to EMMA scrubbing fruit; Cut to EMMA talking to WILL in the hallway)

EMMA: I’m not following.

VOICEOVER: Like, seriously crazy.

(Cut to WILL and EMMA in the choir room)

WILL: One day, you’re going to find a way to beat this thing.

VOICEOVER: And that’s what you missed on Glee.

(Cut to New Directions and WILL onstage in the auditorium)

WILL: All right, guys. Nationals are just a few weeks away, and it’s time to bear down. Okay, your singing at Regionals was amazing, but your dancing…It’s booty camp time.

ARTIE: Booty!

WILL: So let’s get it going. Five, six, seven, eight. Push yourselves, guys. Vocal Adrenaline takes no prisoners.

(FINN smacks RACHEL in the nose with his arm; She falls to the ground holding her nose)

FINN: Oh! I’m so sorry.

WILL: Are you okay?

RACHEL: I’m bleeding.

WILL: Let’s get you to a doctor.

(Cut to RACHEL and FINN in the DOCTOR’s office)

RACHEL: My dad’s will be here in 15 minutes. You don’t have to stay, Finn.

FINN: No, I want to wait and hear what the doctor says. I feel terrible.

RACHEL: Won’t Quinn be mad at you sitting vigil at my bedside?

FINN: Well, I’m standing, and-and she’d understand how awful I feel even if it’s not broken.

(Enter DOCTOR with an X-ray)

DOCTOR: It’s broken.

FINN: Well, I knew I was a bad dancer, but I never thought my dancing was dangerous.

DOCTOR: It’s a clean break, so I-I won’t have to set it. Considering your deviated septum, I’d consider this a terrific opportunity for a little vanity adjustment.

RACHEL: Are you suggesting that I get a nose job?

DOCTOR: You’re 16, right? That’s when I gave my daughters theirs. It’s like a right of passage for Jewish girls.

RACHEL: First of all, I like how I look.

DOCTOR: (To FINN) She your girlfriend?

FINN: No.

DOCTOR: What does your girlfriend look like?

RACHEL: Okay, and second of all, I don’t want to do anything that’s going to affect my voice. My Broadway career depends on it.

FINN: Yeah, we got a big show choir competition coming up, and Rachel’s kind of our best singer.

DOCTOR: Doesn’t impact the voice. That’s just a myth. The fact is, opening up that septum might allow you to take in more air per breath, which means bigger belts on you high notes.

RACHEL: But Barbra…

DOCTOR: Is great. She’s also one in a million. The fact is, if you really want to be an actress, you might want to consider looking and sounding the best that you can. I got an appointment open next week. Can I sign you up?

(Cut to New Directions and WILL in the choir room; RACHEL is standing in the front)

QUINN: Oh my God, you’re getting a nose job.

RACHEL: I'm…considering having a minor procedure to repair my deviated septum.

SANTANA: So, a nose job.

RACHEL: Look, I’m… I’m happy with the way that I look, okay? And I’ve embraced my nose. But let’s say I wanted to have a slightly more demure nose. Like Quinn’s, for example. I-I would never change my appearance for vanity, but, I mean, the doctor said that it could possibly improve my talent, which would help us all for Nationals.

WILL: Possibly? What about the risks? Your voice is amazing as is, Rachel.

SANTANA: Hold up. Could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel’s got a bit of a schnoz. I mean, I wouldn’t know because, like Medusa, I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren’t things that we wouldn’t change about ourselves? I mean, I’m sure that Sam’s been at the doctor’s office and rifled through pamphlets on mouth reduction. I’ll bet Artie’s thought about getting his legs removed since he’s not really using them anyways. And I’m definitely sure that Tina’s looked into getting an eye de-slanting.

TINA: That’s extraordinarily racist.

SANTANA: I’m keepin’ it real.

TINA: Sorry, Santana. I’m a beautiful person. I’m in love with myself, and I would never change a thing.

MIKE: Is that why you’re wearing blue contacts today, Tina? (murmurs) Self-hating Asian.

TINA: Not many Asian sex symbols, Mike. I’m just trying to be in fashion and mirror what I see in the magazines.

FINN: My dancing kind of bothers me. Uh, it almost killed Rachel, but I like the way I look.

SANTANA: Oh, please. You have weird, puffy pyramid nipples. They look like they’re filled with custard. (SAM tries to look at FINN’s nipples; FINN slaps him away) You could dust them with powdered sugar and they could pass for some sort of dessert. Look, maybe Rachel’s fine with having an enormous beak. Maybe she needs it to crack hard seeds. All I’m saying is that if you look in the mirror and you don’t like what you see, you should change it.

WILL: Whoa, guys. I’m really shocked at what I’m hearing here. It goes against everything the glee club stands for. I’m telling you, the thing you would most like to change about yourself is the most interesting part of you.

MERCEDES: Well, maybe, but at this school, the thing that makes you different is the thing people use to crush your spirit. (RACHEL sits down; Cut to WILL and EMMA in EMMA’s office; They’re scrubbing fruit)

WILL: Rachel’s a beautiful girl. She doesn’t need a nose job. Saying that she’s doing it to enrich her talent is just a convenient excuse to deal with the fact that she’s insecure about how she looks.

EMMA: Most of the adults we know have trouble embracing their eccentricities, so how can we expect kids to?

WILL: Well, then, it should be our job to help them. I don’t want my legacy as a teacher to be conjugated verbs and Glee Club trophies. I want to help them love themselves for who they are, warts and all-Especially warts. How long do we have to do this for?

EMMA: Until they’re all clean.

WILL: I mean, I’m really enjoying helping you with your OCD.

EMMA: Do you know what? I really don’t like that term, really. It sounds way too scientific and serious. I really prefer “neat freak” or “cleany bug.” But, Will, I really have to tell you, I’m so appreciative of all your help. Really, I have so much more free time now that there are four hands polishing all of my fruit.

WILL: I’m really glad…but shouldn’t we be figuring out some techniques you can use to eat your food without scrubbing it?

EMMA: You mean with germs and pesticides all over it?

WILL: No, I mean, really deal with your issues on this stuff.

EMMA: Will, I’ve tried, you know, and I… I may not have been born this way, but this is my lot in life. There’s nothing I can do about it. Thank you.

EMMA: What for?

WILL: I know how I’m going to get the kids to accept what their differences are–By using their two favorite teachers: Me and Gaga…but I’m gonna need your help.

(Cut to SANTANA defacing a QUINN/FINN prom poster)

SANTANA: (voiceover) I should be prom queen at this school. If I were prom queen, I could get Brittany to drop the four-eyed loser and go for the real queen. (She stares longingly at BRITTANY and ARTIE) She’s so gullible, I could convince her that by royal decree, I’d made her being with me the law of the land. That’s never going to happen. I don’t have the votes. Unless I could get the jock block.

(SAM passes by on his way to the water fountain)

SAM: Jack Ryan, you’ve just boarded the Red October. Sean Connery.

SANTANA: (voiceover) And God knows Sam doesn’t have the heat at this school yet. (KAROFSKY passes by) Hold on, there’s someone at this school who just might have the juice…Dave Karofsky. (SANTANA catches him staring at SAM’s butt) Holy crap. I’m a closet lesbian and a judgmental bitch which means one thing. I have awesome gaydar.

(Cut to MERCEDES, TINA, KURT, BLAINE and SANTANA at the Lima Bean coffeehouse; SANTANA is staring longingly at BRITTANY and ARTIE sitting at a different table)

MERCEDES: You haven’t asked us anything about our New York trip.

TINA: Is it because it’s too painful?

KURT: Yes, as a matter of fact, but while the New Directions are preparing to perform at Nationals, the Warblers are preparing to perform at a nursing home in a strip mall next to a National Bank. But I’m so proud of you guys.

TINA: We miss you so much.

MERCEDES: Isn’t there any way you could come back to McKinley?

BLAINE: I told him, I would be all for it if it wasn’t for Karofsky.

SANTANA: Wait, what did you just say?

BLAINE: Kurt needs to be safe.

KURT: Okay, can we please change subject?

BLAINE: I’m just saying…

SANTANA: (voiceover) That’s it. Kurt’s the trick to winning prom queen and getting Britt, not to mention totally boosting our chances at Nationals. If I could get Kurt back, I’d be a hero. Even Quinn and Finn would vote for me. And the key? Karofsky. (She stands up to leave) I’ve gotta gay– Go. Go– I’ve got to go.

(Cut to New Directions, WILL and EMMA in the choir room; WILL writes ACCEPTANCE on the board)

FINN: Um, why is Ms. Pillsbury here?

WILL: She’s helping us out with this week’s assignment. Now, this is the only club at school that is represented by just about every race, religion, sexual orientation and clique, but many of you are still having a hard time with acceptance.

MEREDES: That’s crazy, Mr. Shue. We love each other.

WILL: No, I won’t deny that you accept each other, but you don’t accept yourselves. This week’s assignment has two parts. I want all of you to sing songs about accepting yourself for who you are– The best and the worst parts.

RACHEL: What’s the second part?

WILL: Well, we’re going to do a group number by the queen of self-love–Gaga. (They cheer) We’re going to perform her anthem to acceptance–“Born This Way.”

MERCEDES: Yes!

FINN: Wait, wait, I still don’t know why Ms. Pillsbury is here.

EMMA: I’m here to help you with your costumes for the big number. Each of you will be issued a beautifully fitted white T-shirt. We will then use this letter press…to write a word or a phrase that best describes the thing about you that you’re the most ashamed of or you’d like to change but you can’t because you were born that way, which is super terrific.

WILL: I want you to love those parts of you, you know, embrace them, wear them on your chest with pride.

MIKE: Can you give an example?

WILL: Yeah. (He looks at EMMA) It’s the big moment.

(She opens her sweater and her shirt says GINGER)

WILL: Wow, Emma, I thought the whole purpose of you doing this was to write…

EMMA: Being a ginger has plagued me my entire life. People say that I smell like copper, I can get a sunburn indoors at night, and according to recent legend, I have no soul, but I’m here to say that this very curse is what makes me unique. Children, I claim my ginger hood before you today. I was born this way. Hooray. Hooray! Hooray!

(Cut to LAUREN staring at the prom crowns in the hallway; Enter PUCK)

PUCK: Those crowns are a crock. You know what I found out? Not real jewels.

LAUREN: A crown hasn’t rested on my head since I won Miss Tiara Toddler Allen County.

PUCK: Are you serious?

LAUREN: Yeah, three years in a row. I dominated in Western Wear and Runway, but my real talent was baby pull-ups.

(Cut to young LAUREN doing baby pull-ups at a competition)

CROWD: 31! 32! 33!

(Cut back to LAUREN and PUCK in the hallway walking away from the crowns)

LAUREN: I was on my way to becoming Miss Ohio. That is, until the shoddy Zizes thyroid kicked in as well as a love of chips, and suddenly I was denied entry into the pageant circuit. They said I no longer looked the part. My dreams were dashed.

(LAUREN sees QUINN putting up prom posters)

LAUREN: There’s our future queen…a size-two teenage dream.

PUCK: You know what? We’re going to change that.

LAUREN: How?

PUCK: Baby, you’re going to get that crown, and I’m gonna be your king.

(Cut to RACHEL and QUINN waiting in the DOCTOR’s office)

RACHEL: Thanks for doing this.

QUINN: I’m surprised more girls haven’t asked me. My nose is awesome. I can totally count on your vote, right? RACHEL: Yeah. To… totally. So, what’s it like? Looking like you look? I pretty much have a warped sense of the world. Being a hot 17-year-old, you can get away with or do anything you want, so I kind of always assume that people are always nice and accommodating.

(Enter the DOCTOR)

DOCTOR: Okay. So, we, uh, ready to pull the trigger?

RACHEL: No, not… not quite yet. Um, I was kind of hoping that I could get an idea of what I might look like after the procedure. Um, this is my friend Quinn.

DOCTOR: Nice nose.

QUINN: Thank you.

DOCTOR: Very nice.

QUINN: Yeah, well, Rachel wants it.

DOCTOR: No problem. So I’ll click some pics, make up some photo composites. We’ll be ready to rock and roll.

(QUINN and RACHEL sing “I Feel Pretty/Unpretty” while in the doctor’s office; Cut to shots of them in their respective bedrooms as well as in the bathroom putting make up on; Cut to them singing the duet in the choir room in front of the rest of the club and WILL; They finish but RACHEL looks upset and QUINN looks regretful)

WILL: Beautiful job, ladies.

(Cut to three girls looking at a poster for LAUREN as prom queen; QUINN passes by)

GIRL 1: She’s got my vote.

GIRL 2: She’s such an inspiration.

GIRL 3: It’s nice to see someone like me on a poster for a change.

(QUINN strides over to LAUREN across the hall)

QUINN: What are you doing?

LAUREN: Oh, hey. I’m running for prom queen.

QUINN: As a joke, right?

LAUREN: Does it look like I’m joking?

QUINN: Well, when your name appears on that ballot, the whole school’s going to think it’s a laugh riot, and you may just get enough votes to win.

LAUREN: That’s sort of the idea.

QUINN: And as everybody snickers as they try to squeeze that tiara onto your head, somebody’s going to spill pig’s blood on you, or something like that, and you’ll become more of an outcast than you already are.

LAUREN: Okay. I don’t know exactly what your problem is, but you best bring it, Fabray. Because I’m hot as hell, I keep it real, and the people at this school want a prom queen who’s like them.

QUINN: No, they want a prom queen who’s somebody they’d like to be.

LAUREN: Look. Not everybody can be born pretty like you. But just so you know, who you are inside and who you pretend to be to the rest of the world–They’re two different people.

QUINN: You don’t know anything about me, Lauren. Anything. But you know what? You’re about to. Because it just got personal.

(Exit QUINN; Cut to SANTANA and KAROFSKY at the Lima Bean)

KAROFSKY: I knew you’d ask me out eventually. I’m kind of Duke Stud at McKinley.

SANTANA: Give it up. I know.

KAROFSKY: Know what?

SANTANA: That you’re gay.

KAROFSKY: What? Who told you that?

SANTANA: No one had to tell me. First of all, I saw you checking out Sam’s ass the other day. You know, you really need to be more careful with your leering.

KAROFSKY: I didn’t. I was just seeing what jeans he was wearing.

SANTANA: Like that’s any less gay. Second of all, I know about you and Kurt. Remember last week before the benefit? About you being worried about “the truth” getting out. Guess what. It’s out.

KAROFSKY: Whatever they told you is a lie to mess with me. I’m going to kick their asses.

SANTANA: Okay, you know what? Why don’t you just settle down and let Auntie Tana here tell you a little story. It’s about you. You’re what we call a “late in life gay.” You’re going to stay in the closet, get married, get drunk to have relations with your wife, have a couple kids, maybe become a state senator or a deacon, and then get caught in the men’s room tapping your foot with some page, and you know what? I accept that about you.

KAROFSKY: Why are you doing this?

SANTANA: Because I need you, and you need me. We play on the same team.

KAROFSKY: You’re…

SANTANA: Look, I’m not ready to start eating jicama or get a flat top yet, either. Maybe in junior college.

KAROFSKY: This is garbage. I’m not gay.

SANTANA: I’m trying to help you out here. Have you ever heard of the term “beards?” It’s when a gay man and woman date each other to hide the fact that they’re gay. Like the Roosevelts. So you and I are going to be each other’s beards, and then we’re going to win prom king and queen and rule the school. KAROFSKY: And what if I say no?

SANTANA: Then I’m going to tell everyone about you, and your life will be over. The only straight I am is straight-up bitch. You in or not?

(Cut to FINN and QUINN by their lockers)

FINN: What you’re doing is terrible.

QUINN: I have a nice nose. Rachel asked me for help, and I’m giving it to her. And once again, we are fighting about Rachel. I’m your girlfriend.

FINN: Look, this isn’t about who’s my girlfriend. Mr. Shue is trying to get us to accept ourselves for who we are, and you’re helping Rachel do the exact opposite. That’s not cool.

QUINN: Yeah, well, maybe I’m not down with this week’s lesson.

(Exit QUINN)

FINN: I love this lesson.

(Cut to FINN and MIKE dancing in front of everyone in the choir room; FINN sings “; The club cheers)

WILL: All right, Finn! Perfect! See, guys, someone who’s not afraid to point out something they’re really bad at.

FINN: But I’m getting better, right?

(WILL doesn’t answer; FINN sits down next to QUINN and they kiss)

RACHEL: Mr. Schuester? May I have the floor, please?

WILL: It’s yours.

RACHEL: So, as all of you know, I’ve had a few consultations with a doctor who specializes in rhinoplasty.

TINA: Yes, we know. That’s all any of us have been talking about. And we think it’s a terrible idea.

RACHEL: Okay. Blue eyes, you’re such a hypocrite.

TINA: I admit, yes, I don’t like my eyes sometimes–The shape, the color–But your self-hatred, Rachel, has helped me see the light.

RACHEL: I love myself.

TINA: Not enough, clearly. When you get a nose job, when you change your eyes, when you bleach your freckles, you’re just announcing to the world, “I don’t like myself very much.” The drams of this week have made me realize, if I don’t have many Asian sex symbols to look up to, I have an obligation to maybe become one myself. My new mantra is “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

MIKE: I love you so much right now.

(MIKE and TINA kiss and start to passionately make-out)

RACHEL: Uh… okay, uh…

WILL: Okay, okay, okay.

(WILL pulls MIKE away from TINA)

RACHEL: Besides Tina’s abrupt personal transformation, the compositions came back from the doctor, showing what my nose would look like slightly altered, and I have to say, I’m really happy with the results. They’re less Hebraic, and more Fabrayic.

(RACHEL shows the club the pictures and it is clearly QUINN’s nose on RACHEL’s face)

WILL: That doesn’t really look like you.

PUCK: Every year, girls show up to my temple after their 16th birthday, looking suddenly slightly different. And you know what? Even though it’s easier to make out with them without getting constantly stabbed in the eye, they’re not as hot.

RACHEL: Well, this isn’t about being hot. It’s about conquering your destiny, and finding something in yourself that you want to change and change it. Plus, they said that it could improve my voice, so…Look, if you guys aren’t willing to support my decision, then I’m pretty accustomed to making it on my own.

FINN: Rachel, please don’t do this. You’re beautiful.

RACHEL: This isn’t a discussion. I have made up my mind. Rachel Berry is getting a nose job.

(Cut to WILL and EMMA in the teacher’s lounge)

EMMA: Hey.

WILL: Hey.

EMMA: How’s the assignment going?

WILL: Well, I actually wanted to talk to you about that.

EMMA: Oh.

WILL: The word you put on your T-shirt.

EMMA: Ginger?

WILL: Right. I was a little disappointed. You and I both know you should have put OCD on it.

EMMA: Well, I don’t think it’s appropriate to talk about such personal things with them. Really, those kids have to trust me. I’m supposed to be a role model.

WILL: And you’re not being one. We’re trying to teach these kids to…to accept themselves, and you refuse to.

EMMA: Will, you know I wasn’t born this way. It all started when I was five.

WILL: And you never had any anxiety before that?

EMMA: I understand I was a very colicky baby. I mean, I remember getting kicked out of preschool because I was having panic attacks when they made us use manila paper, but…

WILL: You have a severe anxiety disorder, Emma. All of us just humor it because you function so well, and you’re so cute about it, but it’s really keeping you from enjoying your life.

EMMA: Okay, fine. Do you know what? If you want me to wear a shirt that says “Batty” or “Loon” on it, I will. Totally fine. So what if I like my fruit free of contaminants? Isn’t that healthy?

WILL: You know what I want? I want you to have lunch with me.

(WILL takes out a few boxes of fruit)

EMMA: Is that unwashed fruit?

WILL: Yep. Here. Have a blueberry.

(He eats some blueberries and offers her some; She recoils)

EMMA: Ugh!

WILL: Come on.

EMMA: Uh-uh. No. Stop. This isn’t funny.

WILL: I’m just trying to help you get better. I think accepting the fact that you have a problem is the first step.

EMMA: Okay, what? And you think torturing me with unwashed fruit’s going to make me take that step?

WILL: You know what I think, Emma? I think you are an expert at deflection.

EMMA: Is that a new shirt?

WILL: And I think you work so hard at helping other people–counseling them–So that you can avoid doing the hard, painful work on yourself.

(Exit WILL; Cut to KAROFSKY, FIGGINS, WILL and New Directions in the choir room; KAROFSKY and FIGGINS are up front)

FIGGINS: Okay, listen, I’m all…That’s all I’m asking for. Let me finish. Excuse me. Quiet!

LAUREN: No.

FIGGINS: Quiet, okay?

FINN: We don’t care what he has to say.

FIGGINS: Shh. Now, I know David has had some issues in the past, but I have great respect for what he’s doing right now, and I ask you to hear him out. Thank you.

SAM: How ‘bout we punch his face in?

MERCEDES: Right.

WILL: Okay, that’s enough, guys. Everyone listen up.

KAROFSKY: First, I just want to say how sorry I am for what I did to Kurt and for what I’ve done to a lot of you. I think I’ve slushied every one of you.

(Cut to a short montage of everyone being slushied)

KAROFSKY: I treated Kurt the worst, and I’m really ashamed of who I am and what I did.

PUCK: Why should we believe you?

KAROFSKY: You don’t have to. I know I’ll need to earn your trust. All I can say is that Santana has really helped me to see the light. She showed me all these stories online about kids jumping off of bridges and hanging themselves because they were being bullied so bad. I couldn’t believe someone could make another person feel that awful, but she helped me accept that I was one of those bad people, and I don’t want to be anymore.

QUINN: Wait. Santana?

(SANTANA stands up and joins KAROFSKY)

SANTANA: This Glee Club is not complete. Not without Kurt. So I’ve taken it upon myself to try to rehabilitate Dave to see if maybe Kurt would consider coming back and help us win nationals. I did this for us, and then something funny happened. Something…called love.

(KAROFSKY and SANTANA hold hands; BRITTANY looks somber)

TINA: I’m going to barf.

(PUCK gags)

KAROFSKY: I want Kurt to feel safe to come back, which is why Santana and I have started a new club–The Bully Whips.

SANTANA: The name was my idea. We’re going to be like guardian angels.

FIGGINS: I have deputized David and Santana and the rest of their club to roam the halls, identifying bullying and stopping it in its tracks.

(Cut to SANTANA and DAVE walking down the hallway as “The Bully Whips”; AZIMIO is harassing a kid)

AZIMIO: I’m saying I want the pants, okay? The ones you have on right now.

KID: Then, what will I wear for the rest of the day?

AZIMIO: That’s a YP– Your problem, not an MP– My problem.

KAROFSKY: Hey, Z, back off.

AZIMIO: Say what? What is this? Berets?

SANTANA: Everyone deserves a safe school environment. Don’t pick on this kid. It’s not cool, and we won’t allow it anymore.

(Cut back to the choir room)

KAROFSKY: I’m planning on reaching out to Kurt personally, through Principal Figgins, to try to make amends. This is a chance to really change this place. I hope you can support us.

(Cut to FIGGINS, KURT, BURT, KAROFSKY, PAUL KAROFSKY and WILL in FIGGIN’s office)

BURT: You know, you talk a great game, but all I’m hearing is talk, and talk isn’t going to keep Kurt safe.

FIGGINS: But the anti-bullying club that David started will. The fact is, since the club began enforcing the no-bullying rule, we haven’t had one incident.

BURT: Yeah, and if I took all the water out of the ocean, it wouldn’t be wet anymore. The bullying stopped because your top offender stopped.

PAUL KAROFSKY: Mr. Hummel. Can I call you Burt?

BURT: Of course.

PAUL: You remember how understanding I was about this when it all began. I didn’t come to David’s defense I believed your son. That’s because the David I was seeing was not the young man I knew. The boy I raised was a Cub Scout. He was kind, he was a good citizen. I still don’t know what was going through his mind when all this bullying started, but I can tell you that the David I’m seeing now is my son, back again. This…this is real.

BURT: Do you have any idea how much stress this has caused my family? My son having to leave his friends. My wife and I spending money we don’t have on private school ‘cause of your son.

PAUL: Burt, were you always so accepting of homosexuals? We’re the same age. I remember what we used to say about the gays when we were younger. Now, it’s taken us a long time to figure out what’s right. Why can’t you just allow David the couple months that it’s taken him to figure it out?

BURT: Because he said he’s going to kill my son!

KAROFSKY: I never actually meant that, though. It’s just a figure of speech.

BURT: How’s he supposed to know what?

WILL: Your words still matter, David.

KAROFSKY: I know. You have to believe how awful I feel about them. Those ones, especially. That’s not me. Not anymore.

WILL: What do you think, Kurt?

KURT: I believe he realizes what he did was wrong.

BURT: You’re only saying that because you want to be back in this school so bad.

KURT: Can Dave and I speak for a moment alone? You can wait right outside in the hall.

WILL: Let’s go. Yeah. (Exit PAUL, BURT, FIGGINS and WILL)

KURT: What’s your angle here?

KAROFSKY: I’m just trying to make things right.

KURT: David, I know, remember? And I haven’t told anyone.

KAROFSKY: Why? It would have made your life a lot easier.

KURT: I don’t believe in denying who you are, but I don’t believe in outing, either. But still, you owe me. The truth. What’s going on here?

KAROFSKY: It was Santana’s idea. She wants to be prom queen, so she figures, if we can get you back, we’ll get everyone to vote for us.

KURT: I’m both repulsed and impressed by her Lady Macbethian ways. Hmm. A Latina Eve Harrington. Okay, if you’re gonna be gay, you simply must know who that is.

KAROFSKY: Look, I don’t know for sure I am gay, okay? Stop being such a broken record.

KURT: Okay, I have several options here. I could tell everyone the truth about you…

KAROFSK:Y Dude, I said I’m sorry. You said you wouldn’t do that!

KURT: Hold on. Or I can return here and marvel with pride at your new anti-bullying movement, which I fully believe in, and further demand that you and I start a chapter of PFLAG here at William McKinley. Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. You need to be educated, David. You may not have to come out, but you need to be educated.

KAROFSKY: Oh, man, just kill me now.

(BURT, FINN, FIGGINS, WILL and PAUL watch from the outside)

BURT: Just keep an eye on your brother.

FINN: One step ahead of you.

(KURT looks at them with a triumphant expression; Cut to RACHEL in the bathroom looking at her nose; Enter PUCK)

RACHEL: You can’t be in here, Noah.

PUCK: It’s cool. I checked through the peep hole I drilled last year to make sure no one was going.

RACHEL: What can I help you with today?

PUCK: I just want to talk to you, one hot Jew to another.

RACHEL: Oh, God. Look, it’s my nose, okay? I am tired of the lectures.

PUCK: Hear me out. Why are you getting Quinn’s nose? If you want to breathe better, why don’t you have him give you Karl Malden’s nose? Your nose has been passed down from generation to generation as a birthright. It’s a sign of the survival of our people.

RACHEL: This has nothing to do with our religion.

PUCK: I need one hour of your time tomorrow. Just one hour. Give me that, and I’ll never bug you again.

(Cut to New Directions standing in the courtyard)

PUCK: What the hell’s going on?

MERCEDES: Well, my fellow Glee Clubbers, it’s noon, which means…it’s official.

SAM: What’s official?

KURT: My transfer! Kurt Hummel’s back at McKinley!

(They all go and hug him)

TINA: Hi.

KURT: Let me breathe! Let me breathe! Let’s get ready for Nationals.

MERCEDES: Not yet. See, there’s a reason we’re meeting here today. There’s some people that wanted to say good-bye to you, Kurt

(Enter BLAINE and the Warblers)

BLAINE: Kurt, Dalton’s gonna miss you. You were a great addition to the Warblers, and you made us a better team. I’m sad to see you go, but we all know this is something that you really want. And I’ll still have you after school and on the weekends, but these guys won’t, so they wanted to say good-bye.

ASIAN WARBLER: And thank you, Kurt.

(BLAINE and the Warblers sing “Somewhere Only We Know” by Keane; It’s actually pretty good; All of the Warblers hug KURT as they leave; FINN and MERCEDES hug him as well; KURT and BLAINE hug)

KURT: I’m never saying good-bye to you.

(Exit BLAINE; New Directions approaches KURT and they hug him)

SANTANA: Hi.

MERCEDES: Hey.

SANTANA: No crying, no crying.

TINA: We love you.

(Cut to KURT singing “As If We Never Said Goodbye” while walking around McKinley and the choir room; It’s beautiful; Cut to LAUREN passing QUINN in the hallway)

LAUREN: Hey, Lucy.

QUINN: What did you just call me?

LAUREN: Well, that certainly got your attention. Can we speak privately?

(QUINN follows LAUREN into an empty classroom)

LAUREN: Well, you may want to have a seat. (QUINN sits) My dad’s college roommate was G. Gordon Liddy…and he taught my pop a valuable lesson.

(Cut to LAUREN and PUCK breaking into an office and looking at student files)

LAUREN: He said the key to any campaign is digging up dirt on your opponent, so I did a little digging.

PUCK: Dude, my permanent record has three volumes. I don’t remember doing half this stuff.

LAUREN: (She picks up a file that says FABRAY, QUINN) Jackpot. (Cut back to the classroom) You moved to Lima after eighth grade, right?

QUINN: I transferred from Fairbrook. That’s not a secret.

LAUREN: Well, you must have had a pretty lousy attendance record because (Cut to LAUREN on the phone in the Lima Bean) I called Fairbrook Middle School and they didn’t have a record of anyone named Fabray, which makes sense, as you actually lived in an unincorporated part of Fairbrook Township, which would have meant you would have gone to Belleville Middle School, not Fairbrook. So I took a little field trip.

QUINN: You didn’t.

LAUREN: I did. And you know what? They didn’t have a record of anyone named Quinn Fabray, either. They did, however, have someone named Lucy Fabray–Lucy Q. Fabray, to be exact, and she looked like this. You can kind of see the resemblance if you look past the nose job and subtract, eh, 70 pounds.

QUINN: Stop, okay? That’s me. My middle name is Quinn. I stopped going by Lucy because kids made up a mean nickname.

LAUREN: Juicy Lucy?

QUINN: Lucy Caboosey. I hated the way I looked. I had zits. I was chubby. I felt terrible about myself. I didn’t have friends. Nobody would talk to me. I was the only kid at school who had to dissect their own frog because nobody would be my lab partner. And then I joined ballet, lost a little bit of weight, found out I was athletic, joined gymnastics, then cheerleading. Went on Proactiv for my acne. And when my dad got transferred and got a raise, I asked him if I could get a nose job. And he said yes. Then I asked them to call me Quinn.

LAUREN: So you hate yourself.

QUINN: No, I love myself. And that’s why I did all those things. I’ve been that girl, and I’m never going back. I was a miserable little girl. And now I’m going to be prom queen.

LAUREN: Yeah. See, I wouldn’t be so sure about that. You think everyone’s going to vote for you because they want to be like you. Well, I don’t know if they’re going to want to be like you when they find out that you’re a complete fraud.

QUINN: What are you going to do?

LAUREN: If I were you, I’d check the bulletin boards. (QUINN runs out of the classroom and sees everyone looking at her old middle school picture on the bulletin board; She rips it down and runs away; Cut to RACHEL and PUCK at the mall)

RACHEL: Why did you bring me here? Is there a sale at Claire’s?

PUCK: I brought you here to knock some sense into you. You won’t listen to me, you won’t listen to Finn.

(Enter KURT)

KURT: But you will listen to Barbra Streisand. Thanks, Puck. I’ll take it from here. Nice effort. But only I can lead this Barbravention.

RACHEL: Is she here?

KURT: No. This is a mall in Ohio. Look, Rachel, here’s the deal. Do you want to disappoint her?

RACHEL: Who?

KURT: Barbra.

RACHEL: Of course not, Kurt. She’s my idol.

KURT: Okay, if you get a nose job, then you will be spitting on her legacy. Barbra refused to believe that beauty could only be defined by the blonde, chiseled faces of Hitchcock’s beauties, so she redefined what beauty was and became the biggest female star in the world.

RACHEL: But what if I can’t be like her? Isn’t she one in a billion?

KURT: So are you, Rachel. And if you let one misguided societal pressure make you change the way you look, then you won’t just be letting Barbra down, you’ll be letting down all the little girls who are going to look at your beautiful face one day and see themselves. You’ll be taking away their inspiration, too. I thought you’d be hesitant, which is why I brought you here. Perhaps, if my words don’t inspire you, song will. Go.

RACHEL: What are you doing?

(PUCK turns on a stereo playing “Duck Sauce” by Barbra Streisand; KURT and a whole bunch of people at the mall start dancing including the members of New Directions; Cut to EMMA and a therapist in the therapist’s office; EMMA is scrubbing)

EMMA: Okay. So…Nice and clean.

THERAPIST: I’m afraid we’re out of time.

EMMA: What do you mean? I just sat down.

THERAPIST: Well, the therapeutic hour is 50 minutes, and you just spent 48 of them disinfecting the chair. It’s clear you have a…a fairly severe case of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

EMMA: Really?

THERAPIST: OCD’s very treatable. A combination of medication and behavioral therapy will give you some relief from those feelings of…of panic that you might feel if, say, you think you forgot to unplug the curling iron or… EMMA: Oh, God, I think I forgot to unplug the curling iron.

THERAPIST: There’s a stigma in this country about mental illness. I mean, depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolar, they’re hard to diagnose, so…people don’t always appreciate that they’re serious problems, but they are.

EMMA: Yeah, um…I don’t know. You know, I’m not sure I want to lay on a couch and tell some stranger all of my secrets. And…I don’t want to start popping pills just so I can turn into someone that other people want me to be. This is how I am. This is who I’m supposed to be.

THERAPIST: Your illness is not who you’re supposed to be. It’s keeping you from who you’re supposed to be. Look, you’re a guidance counselor, right? So if a student came to you and said they had diabetes, would you give them insulin or would you say, “Hey, that’s just who you’re supposed to be.”

EMMA: I…I just feel, um…I feel so ashamed.

THERAPIST: Right. Well, you’re not alone. After my daughter was born, I had a severe case of postpartum depression. I would look down at this beautiful baby girl like she wasn’t even mine. Like all the color just came out of the world. But you know when the moment was that I started to feel just a little bit better? When I admitted that I needed some help. Well…that’s what I’m here for. Can I tell you something, Emma? You’re going to feel better. I promise. I’m going to give you an SSRI. Start with a low dosage, and that’ll help you hold on to the serotonin that your brain naturally makes anyway. And I’d like to see you in about a week.

(Cut to QUINN by her locker; Enter FINN)

FINN: Hey.

QUINN: Well, it’s over.

FINN: What?

QUINN: My campaign. I’ll never get elected prom queen now.

FINN: Can I show you something? (he takes out the picture of QUINN from middle school) It’s my girlfriend. I used to have another photo, but…I like this one better.

QUINN: Why? She looks terrible.

FINN: You think so? 'Cause I think it’s the first one where you can really see her.

(They kiss)

QUINN: Thank you.

FINN: I’ll see you in Glee rehearsal.

(Cut to three girls looking at a new poster for QUINN’s prom campaign)

GIRL 1: She’s, like, an inspiration. One of us. One who overcame.

GIRL 2: I always thought she was just some kind of stuck-up bitch, but she’s really one of the people.

GIRL 3: Yeah, totally. (QUINN passes by)

GIRL 1: Holy crap, it’s her.

GIRL 3: Totally.

GIRL 2: You have our votes, Lucy.

GIRL 3: Totally.

QUINN: Thanks. I’ll try not to let you down.

(Enter LAUREN)

LAUREN: This just in, Jacob Ben Israel’s queen poll has you up by 40%. I… suppose I… had that result coming. It’s not cool…what I did to you, and I apologize.

QUINN: I respect you. I had to get a nose job and go on a crazy diet to walk around this school like I owned it. And you just do it.

LAUREN: Well, I have to admit…I have considered. Going blonde.

QUINN: I’m not so sure. Red, maybe.

LAUREN: Ooh, that’s a great idea. Red.

(They walk away together; Cut to BRITTANY and SANTANA at SANTANA’s locker)

BRITTANY: Hey. Do you like my shirt for Glee Club?

(BRITTANY opens her jacket to reveal her shirt with the words, “I’M WITH STOOPID” and an arrow pointing upwards on it)

SANTANA: That one’s perfect. Check out mine.

(SANTANA opens her jacket to reveal her shirt with the word, “BITCH” on it)

SANTANA: What? This is perfect. Legend has it that when I came out of my mother, I told the nurse she was fat.

BRITTANY: Well…I made a different one for you.

(BRITTANY unfolds another shirt with the word, “LEBANESE” on it)

SANTANA: I’m Hispanic. Wait, was that supposed to be “Lesbian”?

BRITTANY: Yeah, isn’t that what it says? When you told me all that stuff the other week, it meant so much to me. To see you be so honest. Especially 'cause I know how bad it hurt. I was so proud of you.

SANTANA: Yeah, well don’t get used to it. And certainly don’t even think about telling anyone.

BRITTANY: Why not? You’re like the most awesome-est girl at this school. Why would you try to hide any of that?

SANTANA: I’m dating Karofsky now.

BRITTANY: It’s gross.

SANTANA: You don’t get a say in who I date anymore.

BRITTANY: Why not, because I’m dating somebody? Because you’re Lebanese and I think I’m bi-curious?

SANTANA: No. Because I said I love you. You didn’t say you loved me back.

BRITTANY: I do love you. Clearly you don’t love you as much as I do or you’d put the shirt on and you would dance with me.

(Exit BRITTANY; SANTANA stares at the shirt; Cut to EMMA staring at the bottle of pills in her office; She takes one; Cut to WILL and New Directions onstage in the auditorium)

WILL: All right, guys. Listen up. You all did really good this week. It was tough, but I think we came closer as a team and I’m proud of you. And now, I’d like to be the first one to show off my custom T-shirt, revealing something I was self-conscious about in the past, something I was born with, something I’ve come to accept about myself this past week. So, drumroll, Finn.

(WILL reveals his shirt with the words, “BUTT CHIN” on it)

MERCEDES: I like your chin, Mr. Shue.

TINA: Yeah, I would’ve went with “Tears up a lot.”

WILL: Uh, is everyone here?

RACHEL: Not everybody. I wanted to thank you guys for my Barbravention. And I have an announcement to make. I went to my doctor and…I canceled my appointment. And then I went home and I made this.

(RACHEL unveils her shirt saying “NOSE” on it)

WILL: Whoa.

(They all clap)

RACHEL: So, unfortunately I can’t join in on today’s dance number. My doctor said I have to stay away from vigorous choreography while my nose heals. So thanks for being patient. And, Finn, next time, watch out for the schnoz.

ARTIE: Where’s Santana?

SAM: Probably off somewhere making out with Karofsky. (BRITTANY looks upset at this news)Yeah, he can have her.

WILL: Hit it!

(New Directions sings “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga with leads from KURT, MERCEDES and TINA; They all reveal their shirts throughout the performance; RACHEL joins in later; EMMA shows WILL her “OCD” shirt and they both join in as well; Cut to KAROFSKY and SANTANA sitting in the back of the auditorium; SANTANA is wearing the “LEBANESE” shirt and she looks down at it)