Dee Gives Birth

Frank: Look what Charlie and I found.

Look at this.

Mac: Oh, God.

Ah!

Get that way from me.

It reeks!

What is that?

Charlie: Dude, this is our mail!

Look at that.

It's our mail and it was in the sewer!

Dennis: What was our mail doing in the sewer?

Sweet Dee: I threw it in there.

You turkeys never open it, so I just started throwing it in the sewer.

Why don't you just throw it into the trash?

Because if I threw it in the trash, you would find it and then you would yell at me.

Besides, I certainly never expected you guys to be rooting around in the sewer.

Uh, yeah.

That brings up another issue.

What are you two doing in the sewer?

We always go in the sewer.

Yeah, we hang out in the sewer.

Why?

Why?

There's stuff down there.

Yeah, I mean, man, don't knock the sewer till you've tried the sewer.

You find all kinds of sh1t down there.

But how are you so clean?

We take our clothes off so we don't get dirty.

You guys!

Okay, hang on a second, Dee.

We're getting into something here.

Anything could be down there.

It could be big stuff.

Yeah. Rings, coins, nudity.

That's all part of the fun.

All kinds of stuff.

The two of you are walking around in the sewers naked, looking for rings and coins?

You feel it with your feet.

It's almost like clamming.

You mash around with your feet?

Okay, but, you guys!

Oh, Dee, would you just knock it off?

I want to know why these two are rooting around in the sewer...

My water just broke!

Drain could... what?

I'm having a baby.

(door slams open)

Out of my way.

I've broken my water.

There's a baby inside of me running out of water!

Dennis, that was amazing, dude.

I've never seen anybody drive that fast.

You hit 120, 120!

I almost stewed my drawers.

She was screaming in my ear the whole time, probably screwed my transmission up.

Nice and easy, here we go.

Oh, yes.

This is my ride.

They've done this before.

Thank you. All done with you.

You can go.

Hold on a second.

Where's the guy?

Should we call the guy?

Get the guy down here?

The guy.

The guy who...

Oh, no, no. That guy.

There's no guy.

What do you mean, there's no guy?

There's no guy.

It's complicated.

There's got to be a guy.

We'll go get the guy!

We'll get the dad!

There's no guy, okay?

Why don't you guys do what you do best and don't care, okay?

I got it from here.

We can take it from here, right, Michael?

Yeah.

Yeah, Michael and I got it.

Thanks, guys.

All right.

Kind of rude, but, uh, I guess if we're off the hook, let's head back to the bar.

Yeah.

Yeah, I could get blitzed.

No, no, no. Wait.

Stop, guys.

No, this is not right.

Something is not right here.

This is very suspicious.

Why?

There's no guy in the picture?

So what?

Well, you know what this means, right?

There's no dad in the picture.

That means the brunt of the responsibility of this kid is going to fall on us.

We're going to have to do everything.

Oh.

You're right.

Dee is, like, the most irresponsible person on the planet.

I mean, look what she was doing with the mail, for Christ sakes!

Oh, my God!

We're going to be in charge of the kid?

No, this kid cannot become our responsibility.

I mean, look what this kid has ruined already.

He's ruined my transmission.

He's ruined a perfectly good sewer conversation.

I still want to get to the bottom of that one.

What the hell?

We will.

God knows what he's going to ruin in the future.

He is going to ruin everything!

We got to find the dad!

We got to find that dad!

You're right.

We should find the dad.

Let's find the dad.

The dad's responsible.

Let's find the dad.

Let's find the dad.

Okay.

I wonder if the dad even knows.

I'll bet she's embarrassed.

Too embarrassed to tell us because she's bedded some real stinkers.

You know what?

She might not even know, herself.

No, well, there's always overlap.

Any multiple number of-of sperms could have gone up there and eaten the egg.

There could be so many dads.

No, sperm doesn't eat the egg.

It doesn't eat the egg and grow strong and become a baby?

By the way, she's pregnant and it's a guy, so let's get him.

Let's find the guy.

Why don't we just round up the usual suspects, and then we'll figure out how many of them...

Somebody's got to stay here with her.

Oh, you think so?

You're right, you're right.

It should be...

Oh, it looks like it's going to be you.

Why? What happened?

Well, mostly because, you know, we're all on this side and you're over there.

What?

Just because you guys made it to one side?

You didn't make it to the side on time.

Also, now we're backing out, and you're kind of stuck there.

I can back out.

Hey, we'll find the dad.

You better find that dad.

This is not fair.

Just keep your eye on her.

(Thumping and creaking)

What-what are you doing?

What-what are you doing?

Get down!

No.

I'm trying to make the tv go.

You are standing on top of a rolling chair.

You're going to go flying through that window for God sakes.

Will you get down?

I'm serious.

You get down, Dee.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

I know, I know.

What are you thinking?

Well, I'm trying to watch my stories, okay?

I have a very specific birth plan and mostly it involves me watching my stories to relax, but I can't get this goddamn tv to do anything.

What are you... are you...

Knock it off!

I'm mad at the...

Stop straining yourself.

Go lie down.

Lie down now.

(Groans)

God, this is exactly what I was worried about, Dee.

You see, I am going to have to do everything because you are an irresponsible person who stands atop rolling chairs and chooses to go flying through windows.

Have the baby first.

Have the stupid baby, then go flying through all the windows you like.

Oh, my...

Just lie there.

Wait for the doctor.

I will get your stories.

(Sighs)

God, this baby is becoming such an irritating thing to me.

Yeah.

God, what an irritating thing babies are.

Oh my goodness.

I'll figure you out, you son of a bitch.

(Party music playing)

Bill: What is going on?

Where is everybody?

I thought this was supposed to be a party.

They'll be here.

You're early.

Ben: Do you have anything to drink?

The salt on the chips dries out my mouth.

I'll poke around the fridge and see if there's anything.

Where's the beer?

I forgot the beer.

I'm sorry.

You didn't bring the beer?

How are we supposed to know this is a party if there's no beer?

Well, I got wrapped up in the invitations.

It's a party with no beer.

We don't want them thinking it's an interrogation.

Well, you give him a glass of water.

Cricket: Oh, hey.

Party, party!

All right. Hey!

Hey, crick.

Ooh.

Where the booze at?

What's up, fellas?

Hey.

Who invited cricket?

I did, because I figured it's a wild card.

That's a stone you can leave unturned. I mean...

We don't have time for that bullshit.

We got to get on this, all right?

Let's just pick one and go.

Hey, uh, bill?

Can we talk to you for a sec, maybe, uh, in this room?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah?

Let's do this.

A little guy time.

All right.

Guy time.

Right, let's turn it up.

(Music blasting)

Whoo!

Let's get weird, buddy.

Let's get weird.

Thanks for coming to the party, bill.

Thanks for having me, guys, you know?

It's good to get away from the wife and kids for a little bit, you know?

Let the hair down.

So you're still with your wife after all that sh1t with Dee?

Yeah, well, I realized I was a s*x addict.

I went to therapy.

She forgave me for it.

Oh, you're a s*x addict, huh?

That's crazy to be one of those.

Yeah, you don't mind if I write some of this down, do you?

For what?

Just keeping a log of the party.

We like to do that.

Oh.

Yeah, you know, a funny conversation pops up, you want to remember it.

No problem.

Speaking of parties, you guys want to do a little... (Sniffs)

Is that coke?

Yeah, yeah, I picked up a couple grams on the way over.

Come on.

Yeah, maybe a little bit later, we can all partake.

But for now, you know, we're just-just a bunch of guys hanging out in a room.

You know, dudes.

(Laughs)

Let's talk about dude stuff.

I like dude stuff, yeah.

Like what?

Oh, I don't know.

Let's think about, like, uh, what do guys talk about?

Condoms!

Right.

I cannot stand the feel of a condom on my dick.

Oh my God.

I hate condoms.

Hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, the three of us just don't use 'em.

No.

How about you?

No, me neither.

No, I can't stand them.

Well, that's interesting.

A s*x addict who doesn't like condoms.

That's why I had a vasectomy, guys.

You had a vasectomy?

Yep.

You just winked when you said that.

Did you have a vasectomy or not?

No.

(Laughs)

But that's what I would tell the ladies, so I didn't have to wear a condom.

Oh!

Oh, man!

That is incredibly shady.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What a beautiful underhanded thing.

Yeah.

It's disgusting.

Very underhanded.

You guys want to do a bump or what?

I'll have a bump.

I don't understand why there's not a single room in this hospital...

Well, I don't know where...

That has a working television.

I want it, I want that room, I want it now.

I don't know where you think I'm gonna get it from.

I don't have any.

If you do not get my sister her stories and a new room as soon as possible, then I will come down on this hospital like the hammer of Thor.

The thunder of my vengeance will echo through these corridors like the dust of a thousand winds!

You know what?

I don't have time for this.

I ain't going to jail over you.

I will beat your ass and think nothing of it.

I'm not doing this with you today.

I'm not. I'm not!

What's the word on my stories?

What are you doing?

Why are you not in bed?

Oh, I slipped out for a quick sandwich and a soda.

You left the hospital?

Yeah, I was kind of hungry.

Mostly, I was just getting bored.

You know what I mean...?

Dee, get in your room!

You're drive... I-I...

It's so boring.

There's nothing going on in there.

You get in your room. You get in your room!

Get in here. Get in there.

The lighting, and don't push me, though, because I'm pregnant, and I don't...

Get in the bed. Get in bed.

Wait a sec. What's this?

What? I don't know.

Why is there a strange man in my room?

They probably slid this man in here, thinking that you were never gonna use the room, so...

Well, that's no good.

I don't want there to be a strange man laying in my room who looks dead.

Is he dead? Dennis, is he dead?

I'm sure he's just sleeping, Dee.

Get-get in bed.

I'm gonna scream his face and see if he wakes up.

Do not scream in the man's face.

I'll jiggle his ankle, and that will determine whether he's alive or not.

Excuse me, sir, are you...?

Well, you're very cold.

He's very cold. Okay.

Hey! Hey, you!

You, wake up right now if you're not dead.

All right, damn it, Dee, stop.

Oh, God, I think he's dead.

Yeah. Yeah.

I think he's dead, Dennis.

He's definitely dead.

Oh, why would they do that?

Why would they put a dead old man with paper skin in my room when I'm trying to give birth?

I don't know.

Because you weren't using the room, Dee, and the hospital is very full.

Oh, okay, well, this was not part of my birth plan.

This was not part of my birth plan, sir.

Get the nurse.

Get the nurse and get him out.

Get him out of here.

Getting the nurse is not going to do any good.

That woman is stubborn as sh1t.

Well, do something.

You ought to do something, 'cause this is upsetting me.

All right! All right!

And it's upsetting the baby.

I hate all the responsibility that I have that this baby is causing me.

Yes, I will get this man out of your room; I will think of something awesome.

Listen, so things got pretty hot and heavy with you and Dee back in the day, correct?

That was over a year ago?

Yeah. Yeah, she wasn't very nice to me.

So, what are we looking at?

No contact with Dee after you dated, or what's the deal here, bud?

Well, no. She, um...

She contacted me for a while.

Usually when she was drunk.

Hmm.

Drunken late-night booty calls?

Mm-hmm.

No. She usually just yells at me, calls me names, like army jerk, camo turkey.

I know she's just drunk, so it's okay.

Hmm.

Not okay. Not okay at all.

You got to stand up for yourself, man.

So, you haven't slept with her then?

Uh, sometimes she tricks me.

She tricks you?

She tricks you how?

(Voice breaking): To give her s*x.

(Crying)

She's a very manipulative person.

(Crying continues)

Well, I-I'm sorry.

Are you guys mad at me?

Both: No, man, we're not mad...

No. I mean... you know... okay.

Get a grip, but...

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah. Uh, there's a room full of dudes out there, so you might want to... yeah.

Stop crying...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Before you come back out to the party.

Pull it together, because, you know, you're a soldier, and you should be tougher.

Let's go.

Thanks, guys.

This is the guy who's defending our country?

Well, he's definitely a candidate.

Oh, boys, the keg has arrived!

Hey, Frank, this power outlet is gonna explode, and you're gonna have to deal with that, okay?

Duncan, go with it, baby.

Yeah, let's go for it.

Go for it.

Yeah.

Yo, Frank, we gonna set it off, bitch.

(Man imitates dog howling)

What are your bridge friends doing here?

Well, you got to give it the illusion of a party.

It's got to be a guy's night, that's why.

Are you high on blow?

Whatever Duncan gave me.

You don't even know what you're high on?

No.

Hey!

(Mac sighs)

Little Kev: Yo, Charlie chuckles, what's cracking, sunshine? Yeah.

Hey.

Hello, Kev.

Little Kev.

(Kevin mumbles)

And you here.

Ah.

I'll talk to you guys later.

Okay. Okay.

What is little Kev doing here?

Ell, you got to throw out a big net to catch the fish that she was banging.

Oh. Oh!

Oh!

Party!

(Cheering)

It's a party, yo.

Is that the bus boy from the Korean restaurant?

Yeah, yeah.

She banged him.

(Sniffing)

Now, are you sure we're not taking this weekend at Bernie's thing too far?

'Cause I'm worried the sunglasses are ridiculous.

No. The sunglasses lighten the mood.

Yeah.

Make the whole thing feel like a fun, fun romp, you know?

Hi.

Hi, ladies. Hi. Yeah.

Good afternoon.

Without the sunglasses, weekend at Bernie's would have been very dark.

Yeah. Strange movie.

Very strange tale.

Yeah.

Hey there, Mr. Craig.

(Dens laughs)

Okay. Okay, the waving thing's awesome, that's true, yeah.

Yeah, it's pretty sweet, right...?

Yeah.

Okay, now, what's our plan here?

Are we just gonna throw him in the trash, or are we gonna find, like, a laundry shoot, fire him down that, or what are we doing?

What? No.

Just gonna drop him in one of these rooms if I can find an empty one.

No, but that way, somebody could find him and put him back in my room.

That's a good point.

Or maybe we could stuff him in a drawer, or, like, jam him in a closet or something.

That'll buy us some time, right?

Mm-hmm. Makes me feel like I have to touch him.

I don't want to touch him at all, so why don't we just put him in the trash?

Well...

Mr. Craig: Please don't put me in the trash!

Oh!

Oh, are you alive?

Oh, my goodness.

Whoa! What is going on here?

What are you doing with Mr.

Craig?

They're trying to put me in the trash.

Don't... no. Don't you...

Okay, you know what?

I flat-out refuse to share a room with an old man who likes to pretend to be dead.

He's a liar.

You are not allowed to move the patients.

Ooh.

What? What?

Oh, Dennis. Oh, my God.

What?

Oh, I think I'm having this baby.

Ugh!

Doctor!

Oh, it doesn't feel good.

This sucks.

This sucks a bag of dicks.

Oh, I'm sure.

Oh, man! Oh!

Listen, help my sister.

Help my sister.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't leave me. I don't like it.

Okay. No, I'm coming.

We got you from here.

I'm coming with you.

We got you.

You ain't going nowhere.

You get your narrow ass back in that waiting room before I knock you in there.

You have done enough today.

Crazy ass white boy steadily dressing up folk and talking about Thor... oh.

I got you.

Wow. You know, this whole thing's really setting in now.

Yeah, it's really sinking in, man.

We're gonna have a baby.

This is really cool.

Please don't throw me in the trash.

No one's putting you in the trash.

Stop saying that.

Will you stop?

♪ ♪

Man, I used to have some Jean shorts like that, too.

I slept in them sh1ts, man.

Eventually, I blew the crotch out of them things, but you can't wear 'em every day and expect for 'em to hold up.

That was some nice ass denim, too.

I miss those shorts.

But you-you got to take 'em off every now and then.

Got to take 'em off, son.

So, I don't get it.

Why are you having s*x with her?

Well, she gets drunk and calls me a cardio-jerk or a workout turkey, and after a while I just kind of cave in.

Wow, you just...

All right, I got to try that with someone.

Thanks, Rex.

Okay, thank you. Thanks, Rex.

Enjoy the party.

She's just berating these guys into having s*x with her.

Yeah, and she is slammin' ass all over town.

She's getting way more action than us.

She's stu on her curse words...

"Jerk" and "turkey" are all that she's using.

Yeah, well, clearly they're working for her, 'cause Rex is a quality lay.

Yeah, re... all right, well, he's not to fit to be a father, though.

A father? No. None of these guys are fit to be fathers.

I mean, look at them, they're animals.

Even if we do figure out who it is, how are we gonna trust this baby with one of these monkeys?

No, look at them, they're animals...

They got no self-control.

You know, it takes discipline to raise a kid, you know?

You got to set rules, you got to set ground rules.

Set some boundaries.

You know, like, um, don't have 'em, like, doing cocaine, uh, get them off the Internet, you know?

Yeah, oh, the Internet is a very, very dangerous place.

Kids spend all their time on the Internet.

Hi. Who are you.

Oh, there's your pen1s and there's your butt.

You got to learn from someone books...

Give 'em some books.

Well, reading too many books...

Well, you don't want 'em to be a nerd.

You don't want 'em to be a nerd.

I am not raising a nerd, bro!

If it's a nerd, I'm gonna bash his head in.

Nerds get nowhere in life.

Oh, my God, is he a nerd?

I could bash some nerds right now.

Well, right after this we should probably bash nerds.

I got to get it out of my system.

Bash some nerds.

(Exhales): Absolutely.

Do you know what, you got to teach him how to beat nerds up.

He's got to be beating nerds up.

I feel we have a lot of ideas about raising a kid.

We are men who can be great dads, we have great opinions...

Yeah, and that's all that parenting is.

Pretending you know what you're talking about and then jamming it down a kid's throat.

Oh, my God, that's what we're gonna do.

When I see that baby, dude, we're gonna run towards it, I'm gonna grab it, I'm gonna pick him up...

And jam sh1t down his throat!

Dude.

Dude, we're gonna be the dad.

We're so much better dads than these guys.

I mean, look.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

Oh... (Chuckles)

(Laughing)

I can't wait to tell him.

I can't believe this.

This is so exciting.

There he is.

Hey, Dennis, Dennis, Dennis, we have news, we have wonderful news.

Charlie and I have decided that we are going to be the father of this child.

Dude, we did a complete 180.

You know what, you guys, I did a 180, too.

I totally did.

I was all pissy this morning about how I'm gonna be at the hospital, and then I was thinking about it, and I realized I've been firing on all cylinders because of this baby thing.

Dude, I did this weekend at Bernie's operation earlier that would have blown you guys' mind...

It was very effective.

And then I busted out this "sweet Thor" line on this lady, 'cause she was pissing me off, and it was, like, boom!

I mean, I really hit her with it...

And I never reference the nordic gods.

What are you saying, though?

'Cause I don't understand what your point is.

I'm saying I want to be the dad, too...

I'm totally into it.

Okay.

Well, that steps on our thing a little bit, but...

Yeah, 'cause we were doing the... you know, maybe instead of doing a my two dads type thing, we could fold in another dad and do a three men and a baby type situation.

Three men and a baby...

That's what it is. I like that.

An equally effective movie, right?

A great movie.

Did we miss it?

Did we miss it?

No. It was...

What's going on?

Who are all these people?

Oh! I couldn't decide who the dad was, so I brought everybody.

You didn't even try and decide who the dad was, you just got high!

(Grunts) Well, the interrogation did turn into a coke party.

But they all promised to have blood tests.

Uh! If this kid is mine, I'm gonna blow my brains out.

Ah. Oh, he got zooted, man.

He took an eight-ball to the dome.

No, no, Frank, dude, get these guys out of here, all right?

We're gonna be the father of the baby now.

Yes, we're gonna be the fathers.

It has been decided.

So sayeth Thor.

Thor said it.

Tho-who?

Thor.

Who Thor?

Is that your Greek God reference?

He's a nordic God.

Nordic God.

No, I said something else earlier that was it sounded a lot cooler than that.

Yeah.

That one didn't really work.

Guys! Guys, here she comes.

She's coming.

How do we make it a big moment?

I want to make it a big moment, you know?

With music!

Duncan, play something special.

Frank, I got the perfect thing.

Ah.

(Gentle piano intro playing)

♪ Ah, ha, ooh... ooh, ooh ah, ha, ah...

♪ ooh... ah, ha, ah... ooh, ooh..

♪ Pray God you can cope I stand outside this woman's work ♪ this woman's world ooh, it's hard on the man now his part is over ♪ now starts the craft of the father I know you have a little life ♪ in you yet I know you have a lot... ♪

Carmen?

What are you doing here?

I'm here to get my baby.

What?

Oh, yeah, the tranny's the dad.

(Laughing, whooping)

You had s*x with a tranny?

No.

No, I was their surrogate.

We used, uh, her sperm and a donor egg, and then they just kind of... (Raspberry) Right up there and...

We had a difficult time finding a surrogate, but Dee here was a miracle to us.

See, I can't have kids of my and Carmen always wanted...

Yeah, yeah, great, great, miracle for you.

How wonderful.

Dee, you tricked us?

How did I trick you?

Well, we were getting all pumped up about being this baby's dad.

We were all keyed up for nothing.

Yeah. If we knew you were doing this stupid surrogate thing again, we would have just completely ignored your pregnancy.

You did ignore my pregnancy!

This has been a huge disappointment for us.

Why?

We were gonna be great dads.

We were gonna impose our will on the kid.

We had a three men and a baby thing going on!

Oh, okay, I'm sorry.

I have to admit, this whole thing might be for the best.

I mean, those two are gonna make great parents, much better parents than any of us would, don't you think?

Yeah. I guess.

You know, a baby would've screwed up our chemistry, right?

It might've.

It might've, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we got a good thing going...

Why blow it with a baby?

Yeah, that being said, don't get knocked up anymore, Dee...

It's getting old.

Oh, yeah, no, no, I didn't enjoy any of it.

So, what I'm confused on is, the mother is the father and the father is black and the baby's not black, so...

It's all been explained.

Yes.

I'll talk you through it later.

All right.

Then what is your deal?

Do we pop you back in there, or are you done having babies, or what's going on ...

Yeah, can you take me to go get a beer?

'Cause I need a beer.

Ooh, cool, I could go for a beer.

You guys want to go back to the bar?

Yeah!

Hey, you guys, let's bring the party back to the bar.

Bring the music. Let's go.

What the hell's happening back there?

A few buddies came along.

Don't worry about it, Dee.

Oh! Let's party in the sewer!

Oh, yeah, Charlie!

I'm not going into a sewer.

What is your obsession with the sewer these days?

You find a lot of great stuff down there.

Like what?

Like sewage.

Ha-ha! Good gone, Dee!

She's back, baby, she's back!

No, no, suppose there's a storm and a guy loses his ring...

Oh, my God, is this the ring story again?

I'm getting real tired of the ring story.

You got to come up with something else, Frank.

You can't keep using the same...

Like, give me some crack.

You know what I'm saying, dawg?

We'll get more, we'll get more.