Thanksgiving (Family Guy)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ Is violence in movies and s*x on TV ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ All the things that make us ♪ ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 10x06 ♪ Thanksgiving Original Air Date on November 20, 2011

(wind whistling)

Newscaster: And we're back with our coverage of the Quahog Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Happy Turkey Day, Quahog.

This is Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney live at the parade.

We've got some on-and-off drizzle here today, and we're a little w, as you can see, because, apparently, there are no awnings that exist anywhere.

There's your top news story right there.

Mysterious awning shortage ravages the Northeast, but miraculously has not affected Channels 2 or 6.

No no. Keep the camera over there.

I want everyone to see it.

This is why we're third.

And here comes our first float of the day, Tom.

It's the James Woods High football team with their "Not Gay Revue."

(upbeat music plays)

♪ We just won the big game ♪

(snaps three times)

♪ We just won the big game ♪

(snaps three times)

♪ We drilled 'em and banged 'em ♪ (snaps twice)

♪ And plowed 'em a lot ♪ ♪ And though that sounds suggestive ♪

Baritone: ♪ Let me stress that it's not. ♪

And here comes the Rocky and Bullwinkle float. (car alarm blaring)

Always a popular sight here at the par...

S-Somebody want to handle that?

Does some-- does some--

You're kidding.

Well, viewers, to top it off, that's the Channel 5 news van you're hearing.

Ph-Phil, Phil just open it-- unlock the doors.

You don't have to put the key in the ignition.

Well, open the driver's side first.

Okay, well, I guess it's broken, then, and there's nothing we can do about it.

Okay, happy Thanksgiving, Quahog.

Here's a car alarm.

(alarm continues blaring)

(sighs)

All right, well, I guess we'll just...

(alarm stops with a tweet) Ahhh, there we go.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, that must be Joe and Bonnie.

Now remember everyone, let's be cheerful, 'cause Thanksgivings are very hard for them.

'Cause Joe can't walk? No.

'Cause his bum doesn't open up to poo anymore, and a nurse has to go digging up there to get up after his stuff?

(laughs)

Oh, my God!

(laughs) I know.

That was told to me in confidence.

No. Don't you remember, Peter?

It was on Thanksgiving that their son Kevin got killed in lraq.

Look who's here!

Happy Thanksgiving.

Gobble gobble.

You guys, thanks so much for having us over.

Well, we're just glad we can have people over again now that that giant crab's gone.

Hey, guys, how ya doin'? Come on in.

(rapid staccato): No-no-no-no-no-no-no.

No-no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no-no.

Just go around it.

He's not gonna hurt ya.

Just go around it.

No-no-no-no-no-no-no.

No-no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no-no.

No-no-no-no-no.

All right, try just going under him.

I think we should probably just go home.

Maybe we'll do it another time.

No-no-no-no-no.

What the hell?

Mom!

Mom, it's me! Mom!

Oh, yeah, it's a baby.

It's a big balloon, baby, just like you're a baby.

No, it's me!

It's a balloon of me!

Peter, come look at this.

He sees a baby and knows that he's also a baby.

So smart.

Mama's smart little boy.

Aah, check out Quagmire.

It's been a year and a half, and he still looks uncomfortable around his dad.

Well, it's a big adjustment.

After all, his dad did have a sex-change operation.

So, uh... how-how are things, Dad?

Oh, Glenn, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be back here.

This is gonna be a really special Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving!

We brought chicken wings.

Oh, yum. I hope they're the kind with the bone removed.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, Aunt Carol.

Hey, Uncle Adam.

♪ La la la la la. ♪

Don't mention last night's Project Runway.

I've got it on TiVo.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I brought Marshmallow Peeps.

Oh.

Okay.

I'm gonna need that Pyrex dish back.

Okay.

I'm gonna need it back now.

Oh.

I don't want anything else today to get as tense as that just got.

Carol, it's so good to see you.

You, too, Lois.

God, that is one nice ass.

Thank you. You're welcome.

(TV playing)

This is nice.

This is very nice, the time that we're spending together right now.

Easy, Joe.

(groans)

Sorry. Just making mental memories for when you're all inevitably dead, and I'm left alone.

Geez. Quagmire, help me out with this.

No, he's right. I mean, sometimes chicks die, and it's not anyone's fault.

Okay, everyone, it's 2:30. Time for dinner.

'Cause on Thanksgiving, 2:30 is dinnertime for some reason.

Oh, my.

Lois, those sweet potatoes look delicious.

That's the stuffing, Ma.

Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy.

Oh, this looks fantastic.

I can't wait to poop this out.

Hey! Who's gonna get the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year?

You are! Dad's gonna get it!

Who else?

(all laughing)

Loving. Loving family.

Well, dig in, everyone!

Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian.

How have you been? Very well, thank you.

He threw up when he found out you were a monster.

This food is so (bleep) good, Lois.

Oh. Okay. Wow.

Man: Hey! Is there room at that table for one more?

(all gasp)

Oh, my God!

Kevin Swanson!

Son, you're alive!

Aw, and I stayed up all night writing dead kid jokes.

All right, you know what, I'm gonna do one anyway.

Kevin, go back outside.

Everybody pretend this didn't happen.

Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato?

Is it son-died tomato?

Is it son-died tomato?

Okay, Kevin, you can come back in.

Welcome home, soldier.

(chuckles)

Son-died tomato.

(slide whistle squeaks)

Kevin, you're alive!

I don't believe it.

Oh, my God, it's a miracle!

Well, I guess you replaced real butter as the star of the dinner.

But I don't understand.

The Army said you'd been killed in action.

What happened?

Well, it's quite a story.

In some ways, Army life in lraq is what you'd expect, what with the blistering heat, the constant sense of impending danger, and the one gay soldier awkwardly avoiding the use of pronouns.

Man, I sure miss my sweetheart back home.

I can't wait to get back to that person.

Chow time, boys.

Yes, sir, Sergeant Major General Captain!

Ah, come on, boys, it's Thanksgiving.

Call me Major General Captain.

Now you eat up.

I don't trust that turkey those lraqis made.

Ah, you're all wet, Swanson.

I call the white meat.

I call the dark meat.

I call the cell phone duct-taped to the side!

Noooooo!

They're all dead, sir, except for Swanson.

He's in a coma, but he's unlikely to recover.

Okay, well, just send Swanson's parents a letter saying that he's dead, 'cause those are already printed.

You know what? Send one to my parents, too.

I spent five years in a Kuwait military hospital.

I woke up from the coma last week, and I flew straight here.

Kind of a Thanksgiving surprise.

Hey, when you get sexually abused while you're in a coma, do you know it's happening and just can't do anything about it?

Or do u not even know what's going on?

I also am curious about that.

Hey, Kevin, you know I put a yellow ribbon on my car for you guys?

And-and a little thing that says "I support the troops."

'Cause there's nothing I wouldn't do for you guys. but I don't have any change on me right now.

Well, all that matters is that my boy is home.

Kevin, I want you to meet your little sister, Susie.

Wow.

Hey, little sis.

I guess we got some catching up to do, huh?

Hope you don't get scared when I scream and have night terrors.

Susie: (à la Patrick Stewart): It's quite all right.

I've seen worse.

(horror movie score plays)

(woman screams on TV)

Susie: (à la Patrick Stewart): A human centipede.

How ghastly.

Your mother and I are very proud of you, Kevin.

You're a war hero.

I don't feel like a war hero.

Only a war hero would say that.

Hey, so what about the female soldiers over there?

Were they able to contribute?

Eh, you know, they did their best.

What with their regular bleedings when they got shot, did they even know?

Look, guys, I'm not a hero.

And I don't want to be treated any different than before.

Just that you would say that means we should treat you different.

Come on, guys, let's give him all our best food.

Okay, now you eat up, and then we're all gonna go out back and play some Thanksgiving touch football-- excuse me: war hero Thanksgiving touch football.

Yeaaaaah!

U.S.A.!

I didn't even know there was a war.

Okay, let's pick teams.

I'll be a captain, and, uh, Mayor West, you can be a captain.

All right. I pick you.

You can't pick me; I'm a captain.

No one had ever stood up to me like that before.

I respected him from there on out.

That's a great story, Grandpa.

I didn't like it.

None of my grandchildren had ever disliked one of my stories before.

From then on, he was my favorite.

Well, I don't like that story, Great Grandpa.

(crackling)

Future old people are wizards.

(slurred): Okay, so here's the game: I'm... I'm drunk, and I'm gonna throw the football too hard at my kids.

Oh, Dad, do we have to-- Ow!

Don't cry! Don't cry!

Game's over if you cry.

I want you to learn about life, Chris, 'cause of, in life it's like this.

Peter, I think you may have had one too many.

Maybe it's time to ease off, huh?

What are you talking about, Lois?

Dads getting drunk on Thanksgiving is a holiday tradition.

(slurring): I work hard to put a cornucopia on this table, and you're out showing your lower ankle to every Tom, Tom, and other Tom in our village!

Don't talk to mother in like fashion!

That's it. The belt is coming off.

All right, son.

Let's put these bozos in a hurt locker.

Right? 'Cause, uh, "hurt locker" means some kind of war hero thing, or something.

Pfft. My friends and I used to laugh about how fake that movie is.

But...

Well, wait, I, uh...

I'm pretty sure that movie came out after you went into your coma.

Right-- no, no, uh, I-I-I was talking about a different movie.

Let's play ball!

Yeah, let's play ball.

(ball pinging off someone's skin, howls of pain)

Peter (slurred): The world has changed around me, and I'm mad and scared!

Lois, this pumpkin pie looks delightful.

Hey, Kevin, can I see your Purple Heart?

'Cause I never actually seen one.

One-one time this homeless guy showed me his purple head, but looking back, I'm-I'm not so sure that that was really a military thing.

Pfft. I didn't want that stupid medal.

You know what I did with it?

I threw it back over the White House fence.

Wait a minute. I thought you said you flew straight home from Kuwait after you woke from your coma.

When did you throw your medal over the White House fence?

N-N-N-No, I-I-I told you, I flew to D.C., ditched the medals, and flew home.

I guess that was just his dirty hobo pen1s, huh?

Kevin, why would you want to get rid of your war medals like that?

'Cause it was a stupid war, you know?

All it did was put me in a coma and kill one of my bunkmates and cripple the other one for life.

W-Wait a minute.

Now, I thought earlier you said that both of your bunkmates were killed.

Now you're saying only one of them was?

But I just want you guys to know I barely even stared at that pen1s for an hour.

What? Come on, Dad.

Whatev.

H-Hey, why's it so hot in here?

It's too hot in here.

Wait a minute.

An Ed Hardy T-shirt?

That particular strain of douche bag didn't arise until 2007, while you were supposedly in your coma.

Look, get off my case, Dad!

What do you want from me?

The truth.

Fine! Here's the truth!

I was never in any coma, okay?

I bailed.

I faked my death and went AWOL.

(all gasp)

I faked my own death once.

(sobbing)

(dirt crunching)

(chuckles)

No dentist appointment for this guy.

So, there it is.

I'm not a war hero.

I abandoned my platoon.

So now what do we do?

Me?

Am-Am I, am I supposed to say something?

Kevin, you're under arrest for the crime of desertion.

Oh, my.

Um, maybe it's time for us girls to hit the powder room.

You may use the yard.

So you were lying to us this whole time?

You weren't really injured in lraq?

First Pat Tillman lies about how he died and now you?

Kevin, I don't understand.

There's nothing to understand.

Our son is a deserter.

Come on, Kevin, I'm taking you to jail.

Joe, wait! Not now, Bonnie.

Joe, you can't!

Bonnie, we'll discuss this later!

Joe! You're not taking my son anywhere.

Damn it, you guys are ruining Thanksgiving!

And it's my second favorite holiday, right after Pretend Not To Notice People's Race Day.

Hey, you seen Reggie around?

Which one is Reggie?

Oh, uh, today he's wearing yellow pants, uh, yellow shirt, yellow hat, yellow shoes.

Uh, he's got a gold tooth, uh, diamond earring.

Um, he's got that big necklace with the dollar sign on it.

Uh, he's always grabbing his crotch when he's telling a story.

Like the one about when he found out his mother is really his grandmother.

Could you be more specific?

Uh, oh, let's see.

Uh, he always wears cheap cologne.

Uh, drives a Mercury Cougar with a crown on the dashboard.

Uh, never pays his alimony.

Uh, he's extremely cut for a guy who never works out.

Oh, there he is. Thanks anyway.

Hey, Reggie!

Look, maybe we should just let Kevin explain why he did what he did.

(sighs)

At first, I believed in the cause.

But then I saw what we were doing to the people of lraq.

Innocent people.

There was one that I'll never forget.

He was a little lraqi street kid.

I'd befriended him a few months earlier.

Couldn't have been more than 12 years old.

I taught him how to crack wise, American style.

(people screaming)

I guess that store's having a fire sale.

(laughs)

I tell you, that kid was strong-headed for his age.

Smart, but innocent.

And then one day, there was a fire fight.

We bring in this civilian who got killed in the crossfire.

I pull back the sheet, and who is it?

Not the kid, but, like, the kid's dad's, like, coworker's neighbor.

He was 74 and he had actually tried to rape someone.

But just looking down at his dead face and knowing that he lived near someone who worked with the dad of the kid whose name I never found out, I lost all hope.

That's when I knew I had to get out of lraq.

I just had to wait for my chance.

I call the white meat!

I call the dark meat!

I call the cell phone duct taped to the side!

No!

Somehow, I'd been spared that Thanksgiving.

But I can't say the same for my bunkmates.

There were bits and pieces of them everywhere.

I knew the Army would never be able to identify who was who.

So that was my chance to disappear.

So I left.

How could you do that?!

Coward! Traitor!

If you think that I'm gonna m*st*rb*t* after this tonight, you're right.

We don't have to sit here and listen to this.

Come on, Kevin, let's get out of here.

Nice try, skank. Worth a shot.

Well, where did you go after you left the war?

I spent a few years laying low.

Wrote some poems. You want to hear some?

No. Are you sure?

They're pretty intense.

All: No. Here, let me just read one.

If I can guess a line in there, will you not read it?

I don't think you'll be able to guess a line.

Is it something like, "Ice burns as hot as fire"?

Okay, so then I went to Europe, Australia, Canada, all over.

But I really missed you guys.

I wanted to be with people who love me, no matter what.

So I came home.

Well, it sounds to me like you're a regular Benedict Arnold Drummond.

W-What's he expecting us to cut to?

I think he wants maybe-- I don't know--

Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat?

But we don't have that.

We-We got to come up with something.

Well, we got, uh, we got "The Cowardly Lion is Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist."

Play it, play it.

But he didn't set it up. Play it!

All right, I'm gonna check her for diseases.

There's just one thing I want you to do.

What's that? What's that?

Talk me out of it.

Tin Man and Scarecrow: No, no, no, no, no, no.

What the hell is going on up there?

Well, I'm sorry you all feel the way you do.

But I walked away from an illegal war of aggression being fought 6,000 miles away from our shores.

Better there than here where all my stuff is.

So, what, you figured you'd just let 'em get away with 9/11?

Mr. Griffin, Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11.

And the war we started in lraq has killed a half a million of their people, which is like 200 9/11's.

So, I guess those moments of silence we had at those sporting events meant nothing to you.

I'm just saying this war is wrong.

Son, your job isn't to decide whether it's right or wrong.

Your job is to follow orders.

Well, that's what the Nazi soldiers did, isn't it?

They followed orders.

You're saying our troops are like the Nazis?!

No, I'm just saying that blindly following orders has resulted in the deaths of millions of people throughout history.

You know, I have not talked to Carol all night.

Carol, how are you?

Look, I think you guys are all rushing to judge Kevin without knowing what it was like to be in his shoes.

He saw horrific things, in a horrific war, that only one other person here could possibly come close to understanding: Ida.

She was in the military.

She's seen battle.

She's seen innocent people butchered by war machines.

And I'm sure that lda, more than anyone else here, can understand and support the choice that Kevin made.

No, Brian, I do not understand Kevin's choice, and I do not support it.

Okay, well, that's just some dumb drag queen.

Son, when you go to war, you don't end up fighting for your country or your family or your flag.

You're fighting for your fellow soldiers there in the foxhole with you.

You walked out on those men, and that's what's most unforgivable.

You know what, everyone? Forget it.

Up till today, you guys thought I was dead.

Well, I'm not.

But after all this, Dad, you may as well take me to prison, 'cause right now I wish I was dead.

If anyone has wanted whip cream on their pie, it's not my fault.

I can't get a (bleep) word in edgewise around here.

Kevin, I don't want to lose you again.

But I do have a job to do.

So get moving.

'Cause there's at least one Swanson man in this room who does his duty.

Doodie means poop. It does.

Are you, Dad?

Are you the only one who does his duty?

That's not how I remember it.

What are you talking about?

You don't remember, do you?

I was in first grade.

You took me out with you on one of yo shifts.

I just think it's presumptuous.

I mean, come on, "the country's best yogurt"?

You know, prove it.

Show me your data.

Man: Help! Police!

That man's a thief!

Go get him, Dad!

Reach for the sky, dirtbag!

What the hell?

I'm sorry, Officer.

I-I was just trying to feed my family.

I don't care what you were trying to do, you broke the law.

I know.

I didn't know what else to do.

I have three very wide-eyed children to feed.

Wide-eyed children are the hungriest.

Kids, Daddy has to go away for a while, okay?

Take care of Mommy until she dies tomorrow.

It's okay, Daddy.

I'll be the man of the shack while you're gone.

(coughing)

Uh, listen, there's been a mistake.

I'm not here to arrest your father.

You're not?

No, Son.

I just came over to tell you what a great guy your father is and how hard he's been working for all of you.

Wait. You're letting me go?

I don't understand.

I'm not sure I do either.

I know the law says I have to arrest you.

But sometimes the law is just a piece of paper.

There's right, there's wrong, and somewhere in between, there's life.

You folks have a good day.

I never forgot what you did.

Well, thanks for coming, you guys.

You know what you were doing that day, Dad?

You were breaking the law.

You knew what your duty told you you were supposed to do, but instead, you did what you thought was right.

I haven't thought about that family in years.

I think about them all the time.

And the example you set for me that day.

It's the very reason I left lraq.

It sucks how early I have to work.

(sighs)

Well, Kevin, I still can't say that I agree with your choice.

Not one bit.

But I suppose sometimes a man has to do what he thinks is right.

And if that's what you thought was right, I guess I can accept it.

I'm glad you're home, son.

Me, too, Dad.

You know, there's still some pumpkin pie left, everyone.

That sounds good to me.

Me, too.

Hey, happy Thanksgiving to us all, huh?

(excited chattering)

USA! USA!

Man: Wait!

That man's an imposter.

I'm the real Kevin Swanson!

Guys, I don't think we have time for this.