The Doonkelberry Imperative

(Scene opens up showing the Flynn-Fletcher house. Candace is heard meditating in her room.)

Candace: Oh strange phenomenon, tell me why you keep making my brothers' inventions disappear! Give me a sign! (Looks to her left with her left eye and vice versa. She smacks the floor, and a book wobbles off the shelf) Ugh! Why do you toy with me? (Picks up the book) My 4th grade science book? (Opens the book) "The scientific method has proven to be mankind's most useful tool for understanding the truth behind formerly strange phenomenon". Hee-hee-hee-hee...

(Downstairs in the kitchen, Linda puts down some groceries)

Linda: You boys ready for pie tonight?

Phineas: Doonkelberry Pie! Our favorite!

Linda: (Arranging the groceries into a shelf) No, not Doonkelberry Pie. Everybody's out of Doonkelberries! I can't find them anywhere lately.

Phineas: Really? (Starts typing on his laptop) Let me check.

Linda: I'll be berry interested to see what you find.

Phineas: Good one, Mom. (At Ferb) We should cast our net a little wider than Danville. (The laptop beeps) Bingo! (Looks closer to the screen) It looks like there are some in... Drusselstein!

Ferb: Drusselstein is a rustic Eastern European country, whose primary export is Doonkelberries.

Phineas: Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today! Hey, where's Perry?

(At the front door, a package from OWCA falls through the pet door. Perry notices an envelope on the package, and opens it, revealing a letter)

Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P, and welcome to the field test of our new talking letter. As you can see, it looks like a normal letter, except for this strange gibberish text that no one can read, and the obvious fact that it's got a little talking photo of-- Actually, this is a silly idea. I mean, we had to mail this last Tuesday. Plus, it's really just dumb-lucked that no one has picked up the mail first. Well, whatever. Open the box, Agent P.

(Perry opens the box, revealing German-esque overalls and an OWCA fedora with a feather)

Major Monogram: That's right, rockenhosen! We're sending you to Drusselstein. Doofenshmirtz will arrive there this morning, and we must know what he's up to. Now this letter will self-destruct. (The envelope closes, and the letter self destructs) Oww!! Oh, and the, uh, box, as well. (Perry picks up the scattered shreds of the blown up letter, puts it into the box, closes it and tosses the box out of the pet door) 5, 4, 3... (Perry changes into his clothes and runs off) You know, I really don't know what we were thinking with -- (The second explosion occurs. The roof opens and Perry comes out in his jet-pack)

(At the backyard, Phineas is writing into a blueprint, while Ferb is using a calculator)

Isabella: Hey Phineas! What'cha dooooin'?

Phineas: We're gonna build a trebuchet to shoot ourselves to Europe.

Isabella: Cool! Gravity or tension spring?

Phineas: Well, gravity proba-- Wait, when did you learn trebuchet mechanics?

Isabella: Medieval Siege Engine Patch. It was my first one.

(At the Tri-State Area Public Library)

Candace: (Clears throat) I'm looking for a book on scientific investigation and disappearing objects. Got anything?

Librarian: Let's see... (Starts typing on the computer) Um, Disappearing Objects and Scientific Investigation. Sound good?

Candace: Shuh!

Librarian: Oh, it's checked out to a Heinz Doofenshmirtz.

Vanessa: Yes?

Candace: Vanessa?

Vanessa: "Doofenshmirtz". It's my last name. Heinz is my Dad.

Candace: Doofenshmirtz? What's that, like, Chinese?

Vanessa: It's Drusselsteinian.

Candace: Right, from Drusselsteinia!

Vanessa: I'm heading over my Dad's house if you want to look for your book.

Candace: Cool.

Drusselstein Department of Motor Vehicles and Goat Registration!

Doofenshmirtz: And this is it, right here. (Gets off) Thanks for the ride! Keep the change!

Driver: Vhat change? You've been hitchhiking!

Doofenshmirtz: It's an expression! Hmm! (At Perry) Perry the Platypus? Wow, Rumpkinhossen'. Five seconds and you've already gone native. Well, don't worry, I'm not doing anything evil today, I'm just here to renew my driver's license. (Shows his license) Say, as long as you're here, why don't you stay and keep me company? (pause) Pleeease? It's so boring. (Perry facepalms)

(Back at the backyard, Phineas, Ferb and Isabella are in the trebuchet)

Isabella: You know, traditionally, these things don't have much range.

Phineas: Yeah, it's a bit of a cheat to use a warp generator to bend the fabric of space, but I'm sure they would've done it in olden times if the technology were available.

Isabella: If the trebuchet can't go to Drusselstein, bring Drusselstein to the trebuchet!

Phineas: Baljeet?

Baljeet: Bending!

(Baljeet activates a remote. Impossibly, Drusselstein stretches over Danville. Phineas lets go of the trebuche's rope and the trio slingshot over to Drusselstein and land in a tree. Drusselstein then unstretches back to it's normal location. The three then hop out of the tree)

Phineas: Hmm! Rustic! (notices Zengle's Fruit Stand) Here it is! This may be the only place in the world to get doonkelberries right now.

Zengle: That's because I have my own doonkelberry field. So when I need more, I pick more.

Phineas: But what about exports?

Zengle: Well...the canning facilities shut down after the shaft stopped working.

Phineas: The shaft?

Zengle: All of Drusselstein runs off of central shaft. Or at least...it used to. Drusselstein's a long narrow land, the only country in the world where a central shaft makes any sense, except for maybe Chile. At the end of the shaft was an exercise wheel powered by thousands of rabbits. The rabbits turned the wheel, the wheel turned the shaft, and the shaft turned everything else. A miracle of 16th Century science, today! It powered our vashing machines, our blenders, our schwingel presses, and of course, it ran all of the country's doonkelberry processing plants. The rabbits wouldn't keep up, so we decided to upgrade from rabbits to a more powerful source of energy: goats. So we set up a differential on each side of the shaft, that the goats might valk upon the ground. But, the Leftsiders sent their goats walking clockwise, and the Rightsiders sent their goats walking counterclockwise. So the shaft couldn't turn.

Phineas: But the solution is so obvious!

Isabella: Just have one side turn their goats around.

Zengle: Yes, but we are a proud people. In our culture, turning your goats around is the mark of a coward! Neither side will back down. So it is, such as it has ever been, in Drusselstein, Land...of...the Shaft! I am done, now.

(A crowd of people start arguing in the distance)

Zengle: Uh-oh. Time for the 5 o'clock demonstrations.

(The Drusselstenians come by arguing)

Man 1: Counterclockwise forever!

Man 2: Turn around!

Man 3: We cannot be swayed!

Man 4: You're turning the wrong way!

Man 5: Rightsiders go home!

Man 6: Filthy clockwisers!

Woman 1: Yo mama!

Phineas: Isabella, how would you like a Conflict Resolution patch?

(Scene switches to the DMV)

Receptionist: Fill out this form and take it to line 26. (goat bleats) NEXT! Yes?

Doofenshmirtz: I want to renew my driver's license, please.

Receptionist: (inspects the license) Hmm...

Doofenshmirts: "Hmm"? What do you mean "Hmm"?

Receptionist: I'm afraid you will have to be... (inhale) RE-CERTIFIED!

Doofenshmirtz: Re-certified? No, but that means...

Receptionist: YES!

Doofenshmirtz: No!

Receptionist: You vill have to take...

Doofenshmirtz: Don't say it!

Receptionist: THE DRIVING TEST!

Doofenshmirtz: B-but t-there must be some mistake! I --

Receptionist: Your instructor will meet you out BACK! NEXT!

Doofenshmirtz: Hold my hand, Perry the Platypus! (sniff) I'm scared!

Vanessa: Lookin' for books at my dad's place!

Candace: Why are you singing that?

Vanessa: It's just something we do.

Candace: Hey, swanky! It's all like, science-y in here.

Vanessa: Yeah, my dad's kind of an amateur inventor. I think I saw some books over here. (sees books cluttered with lasers on a table) Oh, here we go. Uh, we can just put his other stuff anywhere. What's the name of the book again?

Candace: Uh, "Disappearing Objects: a Scientific Investigation". (doesn't see the rays blast objects in the lair, making them disappear)

Vanessa: Disappearing objects? You mean, like socks?

Candace: Like rollercoasters, building to the moon, stampeding cows...stuff like that just disappears.

Vanessa: Does that happen often?

Candace: Oh, you would not believe.

(Back in Drusselstein)

Phineas: So, let's recap. You Leftsiders won't turn your goats around?

Left judge: I believe we have made our position clear.

Phineas: And you Righsiders won't turn your goats around, either.

Right judge: This point is non-negotiable!

Judges/Drusselstenians: There is only one point! There is only one point! We will never turn! (keep arguing)

Phineas: Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. I think we can solve this, but we're gonna need a certain tool.

(At D.E.I.)

Candace: Wow, this place is just made for scientific inquiry. (spots telescope) Hey, cool telescope! (looks through it) I bet I can see my house from here. Oh, cool, it's pointed right at it! (sees trebuchet in backyard) What the heck is that? Oh, my gosh. It's another stupid invention. (patting telescope) Thank you, Mr. Scientific Instrument.

(atop a hill...)

Doofenshmirtz: Thanks for coming along, Perry the Platypus. You know, having you around just makes me feel, you know, safer. In this circumstance, Back home is exactly the opposite.

Driving instructor: Heinz Doofenshmirtz, do you attest that you take this driving test of your own free will?

Doofenshmirtz: Yes.

Driving instructor: You may go!

Doofenshmirtz: Uh, wait, wait, uh, I'm not ready. Let, let me psych myself up. Just a few breathing exercises, then I'll go, okay, right?

Driving instructor: We have a choker!

(A goat hits the car, causing it to roll down the mountain as Doofenshmirtz screams)

(Song: "Drusselstein Driving Test Waltz")

Turn, yield, halt

If you fail you'll know who's at fault

Avoid vehicular assault

As you're doing the Drusselstein Driving Test Waltz

Gas, shift, brake

Drinking coffee's a big mistake

Try not to plunge into the lake

When you're doing the Drusselstein Driving Test Waltz

Female Pedestrian: I'm okay!

Use two hands when you steer her

Then check in the mirror

What you see may be nearer

Don't lay on the horn!

See the traffic cop bossing

Pedestrians crossing

Never drive when you're flossing

You'll wish you weren't born!

Belt yourself

Only way to protect your health

Leave your friends all your hard-earned wealth

If you croak when you're boldly embarking

And parallel parking

And acing the written

Look out for that kitten!

No time for high-fiving

You're barely surviving

The dangerous Drusselstein Driving Test Waltz!

(Perry trembles as he chatters scaredly)

Doofenshmirtz: I think I did okay.

(switch back to Phineas and Ferb)

Phineas: Ladies and gentlemen, after careful consideration, we have come up with a solution that we believe will satisfy everyone.

Male Leftsider 1: We will not be satisfied!

Male Rightsider 1: No compromise!

Male Rightsider 2: No compromise!

Phineas: Ferb?

(Ferb saws the shaft in half, both sides turn differently, making both sides operate)

Man 7: I did not think it was possible!

Woman 2: The shaft is turning in both directions!

Viking: The science is far beyond us!

Man 8: The Viking is right! By separating the shaft, you have united our country! (applause)

Man 9: Your goats may walk in any direction you choose, Father!

Man 9's father: Yours too, my son! (both sob)

Man 10: It's like a fluganoff miracle!

Man 8: You have brought peace to our land. Surely there's something we can do for you?

Phineas: Yes. Yes, there is.

(Phineas, Ferb and Isabella are in a trebuchet ready to go home)

Phineas: Fresh doonkelberries! Thanks!

Isabella: (on phone) Okay, Baljeet!

(Drusselstein impossibly stretches over Danville like what happened before. The trebuchet slingshots everyone back to Danville)

Phineas: I guess it's lucky that they had a trebuchet in Drusselstein, huh?

Man 11: Henceforth we shall call this day; "Phineas and Ferb" Day!

Man 12: You mean "Ferb and Phineas" Day!

(Everyone begins arguing again)

Man 13: By descending order of height! Everybody knows that!

(Cut to D.E.I., Candace is on the phone)

Candace: (singsong) Hello, Mom! I bet you can't guess why I'm calling!

(Cut to Linda at the house)

Linda: I don't know. Did the boys build a giant amusement park for leprechauns?

(Cut back to Candace)

Candace: (singsong) I don't know if that's what it is! But if you simply look in the backyard, you'll see it!!

(Candace's elbow suddenly leans on the "FIRE" button on the telescope's control panel. The telescope fires a ray)

Linda: (singsong) All right, Candace. I'm looking.

(The telescope's ray hits the trebuchet, causing it to disappear just before Linda looks in the backyard. Cut to Candace, on the phone with her eyes closed)

Linda: (from the phone) And surprise, there's nothing there.

Candace: Huh? (looks through the telescope) What do you mean, "Nothing"?! (sees nothing) But...but but...

(She scowls, then leaves the lair)

Candace: (flatly) Thanks, Vanessa.

Vanessa: What about the scientific method?

Candace: It's flawed.

(Back in Drusselstein)

Doofenshmirtz: Thanks for everything, Perry the Platypus. And don't worry, I - I'll pay for the dry cleaning on your Rumpkinhossen. All right, see you back home! I'm taking the trebuchet. (Perry blasts away on a jetpack)

(Back home)

Linda: (offscreen) More pie, anyone?

Phineas: No thanks, Mom. Delicious, but I'm stuffed.

Isabella: Me too!

Linda: (offscreen) I think it's gonna rain. It's really overcast out there.

Phineas: Nah, that's just Drusselstein.

(Reveal that Drusselstein is still stretched over Danville)

Phineas: Baljeet?

Baljeet: Oh, sorry!

(In Drusselstein, the trebuchet slingshots Doofenshmirtz's car into the air)

Doofenshmirtz: I should always travel like this! This is gre --

(Drusselstein unstretches back to its normal location)

Doofenshmirtz: CURSE YOU, CONCEPTUAL ELASTICITY OF SPACE-TIME!

(The car falls into the water)

End Credits
(Song: "Drusselstein Driving Test Waltz")

See the traffic cop bossing

Pedestrians crossing

Never drive when you're flossing

You'll wish you weren't born!

Belt yourself

Only way to protect your health

Leave your friends all your hard-earned wealth

If you croak when you're boldly embarking

And parallel parking

And acing the written

Look out for that kitten!

No time for high-fiving

You're barely surviving

The dangerous Drusselstein Driving Test Waltz!

Doofenshmirtz: I think I did okay.