That Sinking Feeling (Phineas and Ferb)

(Scene opens up showing Phineas and Ferb on a ship.)

Phineas: Now this is a ship. My, she's yar. Is she ready to sail?

Ferb: She's shipshape in Bristol fashion.

Phineas: What does that mean?

Ferb: What does "yar" mean?

Baljeet: Phineas! Ferb! I need your help!

Phineas: (As he and Ferb pulley themselves down to ground level) Hey, Baljeet. I thought your friend Mishti was visiting from India.

Baljeet: She is. But- she is different now.

Phineas: Different how? Did she turn into a werewolf or something?

Baljeet: No, she is- a girl!

Phineas: She was probably a girl the whole time.

Baljeet: Let me explain. Four years ago, back in India, we used to have such a good time together.

(Flashback to Mishti and Baljeet on a muddy soccer field in India)

Young Mishti: Give it to me!

Young Baljeet: No, no, no! Me! Give it to me!

Young Mishti: No, me, me! (Baljeet shoves her out of the way. She promptly does the same thing to him.) I'm open!

(Baljeet runs at her; she grabs his hands, spins him around, and throws him off-screen in the other direction. Mishti falls over from the effort. He returns wearing a traffic cone on his head, jumping in the mud puddle and getting it all over Mishti. She fills the traffic cone full of mud and places it back on Baljeet's head, laughing. Flashback ends)

Phineas: And she never ever showed any kind of sign of werewolfism at all?

Baljeet: If we could just stick to the topic, please. Five minutes and forty-eight seconds ago, back in my home...

(Flashback to Baljeet brushing his teeth in his meticulous bathroom)

Baljeet's mother: (offscreen) Baljeet! The Patels are here!

Baljeet: Coming! Misht-aah...!

(Mishti is much older-looking and flirtatious)

Mishti: Hi, Baljeet!

(Baljeet slams the bathroom door and begins to hyperventilate. Flashback ends)

Baljeet: So after hiding in the bathroom, I jumped out the window and came over here as quickly as possible. I do not even know how to act in front of a girl! I do not even know what girls like.

Phineas: Hm. Isn't it like "sugar and spice, and everything nice"?

Baljeet: That is what they are made of. I do not want to build one. Duh!

Phineas: Y'know, I think what girls really like is romance.

Baljeet: Romance?

Phineas: Yeah, we learned all about it in this movie we watched last night. Dinner, music, candlelight, and all on a romantic cruise over the ocean blue. Lucky for you, we happen to have a ship right here. Ferb, cancel the giant bottle. I know what we're going to do today. Hey, where's Perry?

(At O.W.C.A., Major Monogram and Carl are playing a rythm game. Major Monogram is on guitar, but he isn't doing very well, and Carl plays drums)

Carl: Uh, you're gonna have to pick it up a little, sir. They're starting to boo.

Major Monogram: I've gotta hear, Carl. (A machine starts beeping nearby, signaling Perry's arrival) Oh, he's here!

(Now on screen in Perry's lair) Agent P, sorry about the delay. Doofenshmirtz is at it again, he's been frequenting hobby shops and well, Carl's worried sick. Aren't you, Carl?

Carl: Well, not really sick, sir, I am a little concerned.

Major Monogram: (Overlapping him) What did I say about contradicting me in front of the agents?

Carl: Sorry, sir.

(A beat as Perry and Major Monogram stare at each other)

Major Monogram: So, that's pretty much it. You can go, Agent P.

(Perry gets up from his chair and leaves. Major Monogram watches him go)

Major Monogram: That's it. Okay, Carl. (Sounds of rock band)

(Baljeet walks up his own front sidewalk and rings his doorbell, wearing a bow tie and holding flowers. His mother answers the door)

Baljeet's Mother: Baljeet? Aren't you in the bathroom?

Baljeet: I climbed out the window.

Baljeet's Mother: Oh, I thought it was a...

Baljeet: Mother, please! May I just speak to Mishti?

(She leaves, and Mishti comes to the door)

Mishti: Hey, Baljeet. What's up?

Baljeet: (Clears throat) Um... If you do not already have plans for this upcoming afternoon...

Mishti: Actually, I had plans with you.

Baljeet: Oh, okay! Well, if you are busy...

Mishti: Oh, no, Baljeet! What did you have in mind?

Baljeet: Well, some friends of mine have planned... (pulls out brochure and reads it to her) "an all-inclusive luxury cruise around Danville Harbor".

Mishti: A boat ride? Cool! I will go get my stuff.

Baljeet: (Still reading the brochure) "Highlights of the evening will include a romantic candlelit dinner with-"... oh, she is gone.

(Back at the Flynn-Fletcher residence, Candace is talking on the phone with Stacy in her room)

Candace: I just wish Jeremy was more romantic. You know, like Romeo-and-Juliet romantic, but without all the dying.

(The boat "sails" by the window)

Phineas: Ahoy, Candace!

Candace: Yeah, Stacy, I'm gonna have to call you back. (Pushes another number on speed dial)Hey, Mom. Linda: (Wearing a salad bowl attached to a pipe on her head, an unknown whirring noise emanating from it) Candace, make it quick. I'm in the middle of something.

Candace: (leaning out her window to see the ship) Phineas and Ferb are leaving on a cruise ship- but I don't even know where they're going!

Linda: (As the whirring noise gets louder) I can hardly hear you. What's this about a ship? Are you at the harbor?

Candace: No, I'm at home! Wait, the harbor! That's where they're going! I'll bust them there.

Lawrence: (As he stops blowing into the pipe attached to the salad bowl on Linda's head, revealing him as the source of the whirring noise) Was that Candace on the phone?

Linda: Yeah. She probably doesn't know we're in the living room.

Lawrence: So, what do you think? (Starts blowing into the pipe again)

Linda: (After a beat) You know, you're right. It does kind of sound like the ocean.

Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.!

(Perry sneaks over to Doofenshmirtz's apartment door, leaning up against it. It flips over, landing him inside Doofenshmirtz's apartment, and ties him up with a rope)

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus. You like my scale model? (Gestures to a cardboard model he has made of Danville) I even put my own little building in there, look. Look, there it is! (points at the building) Ah, yes, my home. I can still remember the day I bought it. Flashback!

(And indeed it does. Flashback to Doofenshmirtz and a seedy-looking, extremely short real estate agent proudly gesturing at homes he is selling.) My real estate agent had already shown me hundreds of other places within my budget... (These places include a rotting old cabin, a rotting old mobile home, and a port-a-potty) ...but none of them were acceptable. (A man walks out of the port-a-potty as the real estate agent opens the door for Doofenshmirtz to look inside. Doofenshmirtz face palms) That was until he showed me this magnificent building, with a view all the way to the ocean! (Doofenshmirtz delightfully looks at the ocean view from his balcony) But the first night I realized why the price was so cheap. All night long, foghorns from passing ships would sound. I couldn't understand why all these ships were there... (Doofenshmirtz stands at his window, staring at the ocean full of ships) ...until one day, I turned my neck to the right about forty-five degrees, and there, I saw it. The Danville Lighthouse! It was attracting the ships like moths to a flame.

(Flashback ends)

So, what I am going to do is move the light house all the way over here, to the other side of town! (moves his cardboard lighthouse to the other side of the scale model) The boats will follow it, like moths following a...have I already used that, uh...that metaphor? I think I...oh, how about bees going to...whatever bees go to, or flies to...oh, let's just go with the moth thing.

(The ship is in Danville Harbor. Baljeet and Mishti have already boarded and are standing on the deck)

Baljeet: For your safety, Mishti, I invite you to hold on to the rail. It appears to be very clean, which I know is important to you now that you are a girl.

Mishti: Huh?

Phineas: (Waving) Hey, Isabella. What'cha doooin'?

(Isabella, Gretchen, Adyson, Holly and Ginger are standing near the ship)

Isabella: The Fireside Girls and I just got our Shrimp Net Repair Patches. What are you doing?

Phineas: A romantic cruise. You wanna come?

Isabella: (Gasps in delight) You want me to come on a romantic cruise with you?!

Phineas: (oblivious) Yeah, it'll be fun.

Isabella: (a little nervously) Um...okay.

(She and the Fireside Girls giggle and squeal in excitement)

(Song: "Boat of Romance")

Romance

It's not in the air

It's not on the breeze

And it's not in the trees

And it's not in your hair

It's on the water,

So I'll warn you well in advance

If you're not looking for love

Don't set foot on our Boat of Romance

(On our Boat of Romance!)

On our Boat of Romance!

(Candace watches the Boat of Romance sail away from the harbor)

Candace: I knew it! Time to call Mom. (Dials her phone, then tries to yell into it, but a seagull squawks at the same time, scaring her)

Linda: (As another unknown whirring noise is occurring in the background) Candace? I can't understand a word you're saying.

(Candace screams and runs as a legion of seagulls attacks her.)

Linda: Candace, if you're feeding the geese again, I hope you're not wearing a tube top. (Hangs up, then looks at her husband, who is once again the source of the whirring noise) Do you mind?

(He has been wearing the salad bowl and whipping the pipe around like a helicopter blade.)

Lawrence: Now it sounds like a spaceship.

Linda: Okay, let me try.

(Candace is still at the harbor, having managed to lose the seagulls)

Candace: Well, they've gotta come back sometime, and when they do, I'll be standing right here ready to bust them. (Three seagulls land on her head and shoulders, imitating her on the lookout. She shakes her arms to shoo them away) Would you get off of me?

(Song: "Boat of Romance" (instrumental))

(Phineas and Isabella are standing on the deck of the Boat of Romance, watching the sunset.)

Isabella: (romatically) Wow, Phineas! This is so romantic!

Phineas: (oblivious) You think this is romantic? Wait 'til you see what else I have planned. (Isabella blushes, and he takes her hand. He leads her inside the ship.)

Isabella: (At the camera) Yes!

(Inside, there is a huge golden ballroom, complete with enormous chandelier, with one table set for two.)

Phineas: Behold: a romantic candlelit dinner for two.

Isabella: Oh, Phineas!

Phineas: Ferb, show the happy couple to their table.

(Record scratch as Isabella realizes that this is not for her and Phineas, but Baljeet and Mishti. Her expression immediately sours. Baljeet and Mishti walk over to the table, led by Ferb)

Baljeet: Here is our table, Mishti. Is this okay with you? It is not too drafty, is it?

Mishti: It will be fine, Baljeet.

Phineas: Cue music! (At Isabella) Classical music. Very romantic.

(A full orchestra, including cymbals, performs the overture from Le nozze di Figaro very loudly right next to the table. For each cue, Isabella's expression sours more.)

Phineas: Cue rose petals!

(Ferb dumps several hundred pounds of rose petals on the table, coating it, Baljeet and Mishti, and the orchestra with them.)

Phineas: Cue...'pid!

(Buford is lowered down on a rope, dressed in the traditional wings, bow and arrow, and diaper.)

Buford: Hey, everyone. I'm wearing a diaper.

Phineas: (At Isabella, who is obviously not buying it) So...do I know romance, or what?

Isabella: (Completely deadpan) What.

Phineas: (Oblivious) I said, do I know romance, or --

Isabella: I heard you.

(At the table, still surrounded by rose petals, Baljeet and Mishti enjoy a dinner of spaghetti, meatballs, and lemonade)

Baljeet: This food is really good, do you not think so?

Mishti: Uh, yes...I guess so.

Baljeet: Subtle, yet pungent.

Mishti: Yes, very.

Buford: (Still hanging on the rope above the table) Hey, can you pass me one of those bad boys?

Mishti: Uh...look, Baljeet, I appreciate all this, but, uh...I just want to hang out, like we used to.

Baljeet: But, uh, are you sure you do not want to hear more music?

Buford: Did somebody say music? (Begins to sing) Ohhh-- (The rope snaps and he falls, crushing the table)

(Scene switches to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated)

Doofenshmirtz: I've attached rockets to the lighthouse, so when I push this button, it will fly to the other side of town, the ships will follow, and then I can finally get some sleep!

(He pushes the button, and the lighthouse takes off. It flies madly around Danville Harbor, and the ships follow it as quickly as possible.)

Well, I suppose I should've put some sort of steering mechanism on it, but, um, live and learn.

(Perry walks over to Doofenshmirtz)

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus? How did you escape?

(Perry beckons to him)

Doofenshmirtz: (As he bends down) What's that? (Perry punches him in the nose) Ooh! I guess I walked into that one. (He falls backwards, right onto his scale model of Danville, destroying it) Aw, man, I worked all weekend on that! (Flashback of him gluing the buildings to the table)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, look, this staple makes a perfect little chimney. I hope Perry the Platypus appreciates all this hard work.

Vanessa: (As she walks by in the background) He won't.

Doofenshmirtz: I know!

(Flashback ends)

Doofenshmirtz: You know what, Perry the Platypus? I think it's time for you to go.

(Perry looks surprised)

Doofenshmirtz: That's right, go on! Your services are no longer required. The lighthouse is gone, and there's nothing you can do about it. So you might as well run back to Major Monogram and tell him you lost this one.

(An awkward silence as Perry uncertainly steps toward the door, looks back at Doofenshmirtz, then looks back at the door. Finally, he leaves.)

Perry!

(Back on the deck of the Boat of Romance, the evening has taken a turn for the worse. Mishti is clearly bored)

Baljeet: Did I... Mention how nice the weather is?

Mishti: (Sighs) Several times.

Baljeet: Well... It is nice.

(Phineas is talking to Isabella, mystified as to why nobody likes the Boat of Romance)

Phineas: I don't get it. We've tried everything in that romantic movie but nothing seems to work. The orchestra, the petals, the love song. The only other thing they did in that movie is sink the ship.

(The lighthouse, still flying uncontrollably, goes straight through the hull of the ship. The boats following it sail right through the hole)

Phineas: That ought to do it.

(The boat begins to sink, Titanic-style. Everyone goes to the aft of the boat, as it is higher up than the fore. Baljeet drags Mishti with him)

Baljeet: I must apologize, the ship sinking was not in the brochure.

Phineas: Wow. Is this romance or what?

Isabella: Phineas, where are the life preservers?

Phineas: We don't have any!

Isabella: What?!

Phineas: We've got "Fun Preservers"! Hit it, Ferb.

(Ferb pushes a button on a remote. The aft of the ship, where everyone is now standing, raises up and levels out at about 50 feet in the air)

Buford: Well, that's the end of this diaper.

(A huge plastic slide emerges from it, rolling out down the smokestacks and into the ocean. It fills up with water to become a water slide)

Phineas: Okay, everybody, to the Fun Preservers!

(Inner tubes, in rows of four, emerge above the slide)

Buford: Oh, oh! Cupids first!

(Buford jumps onto one of the Fun Preservers, sliding down the slide. Other kids follow, including Phineas, who offers to share his Fun Preserver with Isabella. She hesitantly accepts. Baljeet and Mishti also share a Fun Preserver)

(Song: "Gotta Make Summer Last")

Summer, I love summer

Give me that summer time

Summer, every 86,400 seconds that pass...

Gotta make summer last!

Baljeet: So you are telling me that even though you are now a girl, you still like to have fun just like in the old days?

Mishti: Of course, Baljeet.

Baljeet: Then you would not mind if I went like...this? (splashes water on her face)

Mishti: Not if you do not mind if I go like...this! (shoves him off of the Fun Preserver)

(They laugh, and he pulls her out of the Fun Preserver too. They both resurface in the Fun Preserver again, still laughing)

(As the Fun Preservers wash up on the beach, Phineas helps Isabella up.)

Phineas: Hey, this romance stuff was fun. We should do it more often.

Isabella: Yes. Yes, we should.

(Perry washes up in a Fun Preserver of his own)

Phineas: Hey, there you are, Perry.

(Candace storms over to Phineas and Isabella. Ferb joins them as well)

Candace: All right, you guys better tell me what you were up to on that cruise ship.

Phineas: Just whipping up a little romance for Baljeet and his friend, Mishti.

Candace: You created romance?

Phineas: Yeah.

Candace: And...did it work?

Phineas: Looks like it. They seem to be having a great time.

(Camera pans over to Baljeet and Mishti, who are watching the sunset together. A beat.)

Candace: Do you think you could do that for me and Jeremy?

Phineas: I don't see why not.

(Unfortunately for Jeremy and Candace, only the failed dinner portion of the Boat of Romance is recreated, with the same orchestra, rose petals, and Buford as Cupid)

Jeremy: Candace, I love having some kid's feet in my face as much as the next guy. But how about we just go grab a Slushy Burger?

End Credits
(Scene shows Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. at night)

Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.!

Singer: After hours...

Doofenshmirtz: (In his pajamas) Ah, finally, a good night's sleep. (Shuts his eyes. Crashes are heard in the background)

Doofenshmirtz: (Opens his eyes) Hmm?

(Outside Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc., ships, sailboats and motorboats surround the building, as well as the Danville Lighthouse caught through the building, as the lighthouse billows smoke from the bottom. Ship horns are also heard)

Doofenshmirtz: (With his eyes closed) Curse you, Perry the Platypus!