Massage Chair

Guard 1: (pulls out panties) Oh-la-la! Look at me, I'm a lady

Guard 2: (pulls out big knife) (from Psycho) Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai!

(they laugh, put the panties in the bag with the knife, and let the bags go)


 * [Two executives named Frank and Jim are at their cubicles typing away on their computers.]
 * Frank: Did you finish that marketing proposal?
 * Jim: Nope.
 * Frank: [sighs] I told you to give it to me today.
 * Jim: I could've sworn you said Thursday.
 * Frank: Noo... I said Wednesday.
 * Jim: I don't think so. Thursday.
 * Frank: Wednesday, douchebag.
 * Jim: Thursday, assface.
 * Frank: Wednesday, you fucking idiot!
 * Boss Guy: What is going on here?
 * Frank: We're having a fight about the due date of the marketing proposal.
 * Boss Guy: Well, then there's only one way to solve it.
 * [Mortal Kombat music kicks in, Jim and Frank are facing each other.]
 * Announcer: Fight!
 * [Jim punches Frank in the face. Frank then throws two staplers at Jim; the first one misses, the other hits. Jim then retaliates by throwing Post-Its.]
 * Frank: Stapler! Stapler!
 * Jim: Post-It, Post-It, P-P-P-P-Post-It!
 * Announcer: Finish him!
 * [Jim picks up a copying machine and smashes it over Frank's head.]
 * Announcer: Level 2.
 * Nancy: You know that proposal was due on Wednesday, Jim.
 * Jim: Thursday, Nancy.
 * [She throws two pots of hot coffee at him; he retaliates with 'Sexual Harassment'. She defends with 'Lawsuit' and he then kills her with a letter opener.]
 * Nancy: Hot coffee!
 * Jim: Ahhh!!! Sexual Harassment!
 * Nancy: Lawsuit, Lawsuit!
 * Jim: Letter Opener!
 * Announcer: Level 3.
 * Jim: Ryu from Street Fighter? I didn't know you worked here!
 * Ryu: I don't, but that proposal was definitely due on Wednesday.
 * Announcer: Fight!
 * Ryu: Hadoken!
 * Jim: [on the ground] I'll get right on it.

[George W. Bush is getting a check-up]
 * Doctor: Mr. President, your vitals all check out fine. There is just one thing; your midi-chlorian count is extrordinarily high.
 * Bush: Does that mean that I'm one of them - whatcha call 'em - Jedis? [thinks then uses the Force to pull down the doctor's pants] Heheheheheheh.

[Scene change to Bush and his wife in bed; Bush runs his hand up and down the side of Laura]
 * Laura Bush: Oh, not tonight, I'm tired, honey...
 * Bush: [using Jedi mind trick] You're not tired; you wanna have a threesome!
 * Laura Bush: [eyes widen, under the influence of the mind trick] I'm not tired; I want to have a threesome!
 * Bush: [smiles and picks up telephone] Get me Condi! Heheheheh.

''[Scene change to a parking lot at a restrurant strongly resembling McDonalds; Bush is about to park his SUV when Bill Clinton shows up in his sports car and takes his spot. Bush rolls down his window to see what's going on.]''
 * Clinton: Oh, sorry "Dubyah", Big Mac attack! Yeeeee-whoooo! [an angry Bush uses the Force to lift Clinton and his car] Hey, hey! Whoa! What the dilly?! [Bush drops him in a nearby pond]
 * Bush: [parking his SUV] Heheheheheheh!

[Scene change to Bush using a lightsaber to carve the words "W wuz hear" into the Lincoln Memorial]
 * Bush: Heheh, saber beats rock! [the statue starts to rumble; Bush gasps] What the hell?!
 * [The Lincoln Memorial raises up revealing a figure sitting underneath it, clouded by fog and a glowing white light; a machine lowers a top hat onto the figure's head; the figure turns around as a choir vocalizes, then reveals itself to be none other than Abraham Lincoln, who is a Sith]
 * Lincoln: Who dares disturb my slumber?
 * Bush: Who dares question my... daring... of... his dare? ...Jerk!
 * Lincoln: It is I... I who freed the slaves! I who indited--
 * Bush: Boooriiing. Let's fight! [Lincoln draws his lightsaber and they begin to fight, passing by the Washington Monument. Bush corners Lincoln in the National Mall]
 * Lincoln: If you strike me down, I shall become - [Bush raises his lightsaber for the kill] wait a minute, let me finish! - [Bush attacks Lincoln with his lightsaber as Lincoln completely vanishes on contact with the saber, excluding his clothes] Arrgghh!
 * Bush: That'll teach you, George Washington!

''[Scene change to Cloud City where Darth Vader told Luke Skywalker he is his father in "The Empire Strikes Back". Bush is on the platform, while his daughter Jenna is on the catwalk Luke was on]''
 * Bush: Jenna, get over here right now! I AM YOUR FATHER!
 * Jenna Bush: That's not true! That's impossible! [giving her father the finger] My real father would let me clubbing as late as I want!
 * Bush: [swings lightsaber] Why you little -- [cuts off Jenna's finger]
 * Jenna Buss: Owwwwww!!
 * Bush: Oh no, baby...I'm sorry!
 * Jenna Bush: [voice slowly fades out as she falls] Ah-Ahhhhhh! You suck!
 * Bush: NNNOOOOOOOOO--

[Scene change to Bush asleep on his desk in the White House Oval office; he wakes up]
 * Bush: [snores] What?! Who? Was it just a dream...?
 * Senator: [rushes in] Mr. President, we still haven't found any weapons of mass destruction!
 * Bush: [waves two fingers, thinking he still has the power of Jedi mind control] You have found weapons of mass destruction.
 * Senator: Uhh... hi. We haven't.
 * Bush: [still waving fingers] You have!
 * Senator: [sighs] I don't know what you're doing.
 * Bush: [waves fingers faster] Bring me a taco.
 * Senator: Yes sir! [runs to get a taco]
 * Bush: Heheheh, tacos rule!