No Speak Da Ed

''[The bell rings in the cafeteria, and the kids come in for lunch. The Kankers are the first to come in and sit, and they are about to begin eating when suddenly their chairs are lifted, one by one, into the air, and then set down again. The source of this mysterious levitation is Ed, who is wearing a jar on his head and collecting used gum. At the end of a table sits Edd, who is under a sign advertising moon rocks, dressed as an astronaut and painting the gum blue.]'' Ed: "SPACE CADET ED HAS RETURNED!" Edd: [painting his delivery] "Clutching at the proverbial straw, wouldn't you say?" Eddy: "Keep painting, Rembrant, and leave the moolah making to me." [He bounces over to Kevin and Nazz's table.] "It's a once in a lifetime opportunity, Kev. Moon rocks! All the way from space!" [Kevin is about to reply, but his chair is suddenly lifted.] Kevin: "Hey, what the–put me down, ya–" [Ed dumps Kevin on the floor and scrapes the gum off the bottom of Kevin's chair.] Ed: "Space Cadet Ed returning to base, Double D." Kevin: [to Eddy] "Get away from me, Space Dork, or I'll shove these moon rocks right up your–" ''[Kevin is interrupted by a bugle. The doors open, and the Urban Rangers walk in.]'' Rolf: "Hail hail! The Urban Rangers bring tidings from across the great masses of water!" Eddy: [grumpy] "What are they doing here?" Edd: "Delivering mail from our pen pals, Eddy. Remember? Our assignment from International Studies. Why, I can hardly contain myself awaiting a reply from my new Norwegian friend Gerta." Rolf: "For you, buckethead Ed-boy." [He hands over a letter.] "And for yappity-yap Ed-boy." [Edd's letter.] "And, the nobody-home Ed-boy." [Ed gets a package.] "Rolf must deliver this correspondence to all if Rolf is to keep the Bootlicker of the Faculty badge." Edd: "'Dear Mr. Eddward, your village sounds very good. I stretch my ears to learn more.' Isn't her command of the English language adorable?" Eddy: [showing Edd a photo] "Check out the head on this guy!" [reading the letter] "'My name is Hyuck, and I am from Korea.' Is he screaming to get leeched or what!" ''[A wooden board lands on Edd and Eddy. Ed has opened his package.]'' Ed: "My friend sent me a lunchbox, guys!" ''[Ed turns a key in the side of the box. The box rattles and pops open. A diorama of a wolf chasing a sheep appears as music plays.]'' Edd: "How quaint! An Old World music box!" Eddy: "Your pen pal's trying to kill you, Ed. Turn it off!" ''[Rolf is shelving mail when he hears the music. His eyes go wide and he begins to sweat.]'' Ed: [dancing with Eddy] "I'm skipping to my Lou, Eddy. Giddyup!" Rolf: "Pardon Rolf, tomfoolEd-boy. Where did you acquire this music-making doohickey?" Ed: "Aw, my pen pal sent it to me, Rolf. Coolarooney, huh?" ''[Rolf calmly picks up and closes the box. He then throws it to the ground, breaking it.]'' Rolf: [angry] "A dog has raised its hind leg on the age of nevermore! Heed Rolf, do not get involved, ill-advised Ed-boy. Let your pomegranates shrivel in the cold of the dark sea!" ''[Rolf backs out of the lunchroom. His Rangers, carrying the bags of mail, follow him.]'' Eddy: [laughing] "Good one, Lumpy! Whatever you did to Rolf saved me the trouble of smashing that stupid Old World lunchbox of yours." Ed: "Lucky for me I carry a spare, Eddy. Yum!" ''[He pulls out a dripping bag. The bag splits, and Ed's lunch melts through the floor.]'' Edd: [sweeping up the wreck] "Goodness gracious, the nerve of Rolf! Violating Ed's cultural keepsake. Why, I've got a good mind to report him to the office!" Eddy: "Later! Right now we're gonna sell my chump some moon rocks! We're gonna cash in on this pen pal thing if it kills ya!"

[Eddy sneaks past the office to the drop box for international mail.] Eddy: "All across the world there's pigeons ripe for the plucking! And we're holding the tweezers, boys." [He stuffs an envelope with the gum.] Edd: "Eddy, the aim of the project is to share cultural understanding, not extort it." [Ed licks the envelope.] "Observe, if you will." ''[Eddy puts the envelope in the mailbox. Edd pulls out a gigantic book from his bag.]'' "I've prepared an in-depth essay for Gerta to help her comprehend our beloved Peach Creek way of life." [Eddy slams the book on Edd's face.] Eddy: "Snoresville!" ''[He laughs. Jimmy approaches with a mailbag.]'' Jimmy: "Me again!" ''[Jimmy pulls out a package. Eddy holds his hands out, but Jimmy gives the package to Ed.]'' Jimmy: "Somebody loves you, Ed! You big lug!" [He runs off.] Ed: [opening his mail] "More mail from my pen pal, guys! Back and forth, back and forth." [He pulls out a wolf pelt.] "Look what I got! A wolf towel!" Edd: "That's a pelt, Ed. You sure are fortunate to have a pen pal so willing to share their heritage with you." [Ed puts the pelt on his head.] Eddy: [annoyed] "What makes you so special?" Ed: [proudly] "I eat cereal, Eddy." [The final bell rings, and the kids scurry out of classes in the mad dash to get to their lockers, grab their books, and get home.] Marie: "Last one home's a rotten egg!" Ed: [wearing the pelt] "Ribbit ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit?" [He scratches himself.] ''[The kids start to close their locker and drift outside. Rolf is the last in line.]'' Ed: [howling] "Hawoooo! How how howwwwoool!"

''[The howl triggers a memory in Rolf. He is a young boy, carrying a sheep. He is in the Old Country, and it is just after dark. He is scared. Young Rolf carries the sheep to pasture, but the sheep baas. Rolf covers its mouth, but he hears the gnashing of teeth and the crackling of twigs. Rolf takes off running. Behind him, footfalls come, closer with each step. Rolf looks behind him and trips over a tree root. He drops the sheep, and a man wearing a wolf pelt mask grabs it. The sheep rustler holds the sheep up, howling at the moon. Suddenly, Rolf leaps at the much larger man, tearing the wolf pelt off the rustler.]'' Young Rolf: "Not again!" [He hits the rustler with his shepherd's rod.] "Mestick Shlorvin!"

[In the real world, Rolf is hitting Ed over the head with his shepherd's rod.] Rolf: "Never again shall you torment Rolf's livestock!" [He storms out of the school angrily.] "Rolf will have his revenge!" ''[Ed falls to the floor, hurt. Eddy laughs while Edd goes over to comfort him.]'' Edd: "Dear Ed, are you all right?" Ed: [sad] "Rolf hit me with an umbrella, Double D!" Edd: "Oh, there there, Ed. I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for Rolf's irrational behavior." Eddy: "So what'd you do this time, Ed? Put on his grandma's pantaloons again?" [Jonny blows the Urban Ranger bugle into Eddy's ear.] Jonny: "Ranger Plank's got a letter for Eddy!" Plank: Eddy: "For me? It's from Korea!" Jonny: [walking away] "Nice delivery, buddy!" ''[Eddy tears open the letter. A shower of paper bills and metal coins pour out. Hyuck has paid up.]'' Eddy: "I'M RICH! Stinkin filthy rich! The sucker coughed up! I'm uptown, baby! Jawbreakers, here I come! Woohoo! We're in the money! YEAH!!!" ''[Eddy leaves. Edd picks up one of the stray bills and looks at it.]'' Edd: "Oh, dear." [calling after Eddy] "This is foreign currency, Eddy! Virtually worthless in its present state!"

''[Ed is sniffing around the base of a gumball machine outside the candy store. Angry gibberish is heard inside and the door opens, and Eddy comes flying out.]'' Eddy: "Aw, come on! It's gotta be worth something!" ''[Eddy comes flying out again. His money comes out as well, scattered along the street.]'' Edd: "You see? I told you it was worthless. Just for once, can't you just listen to me? Honestly." ''[A crowing sound is heard and a chicken is thrown out of a bush, and Ed stops listening. He walks towards the chicken.]'' Ed: "Hug a chicken, hug a chicken, hug a chick–" ''[An arm reaches out of the bush and grabs Ed. The bush begins moving, rushing down the lane dragging a screaming Ed with it. Edd and Eddy give chase.]'' Edd: "Hurry, Eddy! Someone's absconded with Ed!" [Ed is pulled under a fence into Rolf's yard.] Edd: "Ed?" Eddy: "Hey, Monobrow!" [Edd notices a dripping tap and turns it off.] Edd: "Waste not, want not!" ''[Suddenly, the faucet begins to rattle. It flips apart, and the ground beneath Edd and Eddy gives way. They fall onto a vast flight of stairs and bounce down them into the bowels of the earth.]''

''[Edd and Eddy reach the end of the stairs and fall through a door. They are in a vast underground cavern. Ed is there, in a cage. Rolf is on the other end, on a throne. Around the throne are a flock of sheep; one of them is next to the throne. Edd and Eddy are in a gallery by the entrance.]'' Rolf: [to a caged Ed] "Quake and quiver like a jellyfish, doggie doo-doo Ed-boy, for in the name of the great shepherd elders, Rolf will grill your strudel until you cry like a teensy-weensy baby!" Ed: "Slow down there, chief! Strudel gives me gas. How bout one large pepperoni, no mushrooms, double pickles?" Eddy: "Lemme go halfers with you on it, Lumpy!" Edd: "Um, what I think Ed is trying to say is–" [He climbs to the floor.] "–whatever it is that's bothering you, why I'm sure we can work it out." Rolf: "Silence!" [The fires by his throne shoot up to punctuate his message.] "Rolf sees through this squashed peanut paste on white bread masquerade! Who knows? Rolf knows! The chinless Ed-boy is in league with Rolf's sworn enemy!" [He throws the wolf figure from the music box at Ed.] Edd: [picking it up] "Oh, dear! It appears Ed's pen pal's gifts have somehow provoked Rolf, and we reawakened a long-forgotten blood feud!" Eddy: [mocking] "Oh, boo-hoo. What's Wolfgang McHairyback gonna do, stick eels down our pants again?" ''[Now furious, Rolf descends the steps to his throne. Edd watches worriedly as Eddy and Ed laugh stupidly. Rolf grabs Eddy, stopping his laughter. He yanks Ed from his cage. He then grabs Edd.]'' Edd: "H-h-have mercy, Rolf!"

[It becomes night and then day again as Rolf tortures them.] Rolf: "Talk, Ed-boy!" Ed: "Hi Rolf!" Rolf: [a little tired] "Talk, I say!" Ed: "Hi Rolf!" Rolf: [weary] "Talk, you sunamagun." Ed: "Hi Rolf!" Rolf: [exhausted] "Please...talk?" Ed: "Hi Rolf!" [Ed is being dunked in oatmeal by Rolf's cow, Beatrice.] Rolf: [slumped over] "The Ed-boy's fortitude is to be admired." Ed: "Hi Rolf!" Edd: [tired] "For heaven's sake, Rolf! This was all a great misunderstanding!" Eddy: "Yeah! How was we to know you were such a lily-livered gutless dormat!?!" ''[Rolf turns to them angrily. Jonny then blows the bugle and enters. Taking in the scene in the shed, he stops playing and grins sheepishly.]'' Jonny: [nervous] "Paging Double D. Mail for ya." Edd: "Thank you, Ranger Jonny." Jonny: "Don't mention it, Double D." [Rolf throws Jonny out and turns back to the Eds.] Edd: [opening the envelope] "It must be a reply from my Norwegian pen pal Gerta." Rolf: [confused] "Gerta? Norwegian? The goat milker?" Edd: "This is odd." [He pulls out a feather duster.] "A feather duster? I'm sure I informed Gerta of Mother's allergy to feathers." [Rolf grabs the duster.] Rolf: [happy] "Ah ho! The Feather Duster of Tomfoolery!" [He falls to the ground and laughs crazily.] Eddy: "Hey, what's with you!" Rolf: "Are you so simple, head-and-neck-as-one Ed-boy? Gerta the Goatmilker is famous for her jovial jests! It was she that sent the wolf parcels to the doo-doo Ed-boy! She has made a merry Andrew of us all, yes?" Ed: "What?" [Rolf snaps his fingers, and Beatrice drops Ed.] Rolf: "Come! We must rebut while the turnips are still hard!"

''[Rolf hauls a heavy suitcase to the mailbox. He opens it and looks inside. The Eds are crammed into it.]'' Rolf: "Okey dokey, Ed-boys. Once you see Gerta, shave the hairs from her legs, yes? And Rolf will triumph with the last laugh!" Edd: "Rolf, please, reconsid–" [Rolf slams the suitcase shut.] Eddy: "Rolf, wait!" [Rolf puts the suitcase in the mailbox and walks off with a grin.] "I got some Korean cash! Take it! It's yours!" Edd: "I can't fly to Norway! I have class in the morning!" Ed: "Um, guys? I have to go to the bathroom." Edd and Eddy: "NOOOOO!!!!"