Sidetracked

Part I
(In Downtown, Seattle, two crooks pull a large metal contraption into truck and the third drives all of them off)

Chorus: Perry!

(He puts on a helmet on and rides after them on a motorcycle. The crooks try to evade Perry, through use of an attached claw, and even removing the back door, but are unsuccessful, and the chase leads them to the Canadian Border, and the truck drives straight through the stop bar)

Border Patroller: Hey, you can't do that!

(Perry drives through)

Border Patroller: Hey, that same thing, but in French!

''(Perry continues to avoid the obstacles put in his way, and grappling hooks the claw under the truck tilting it, and he begins to try to stop it) '' Lyla Lolliberry: You're out of your jurisdiction buddy. (She flashes a badges showing she is a member of "C.O.W.C.A.") I'll take it from here, eh? (She jumps upon the claw, which soon breaks, letting the truck get away) Coming through! Well, there's no catching up to them now.

Major Monogram: (On Perry's motorcycle's side mirror) Agent P. We've just received word that you're on Canadian soil. We don't have jurisdiction there. Stand down! That's an order!

Carl: Sorry Agent P. our hands are tied.

Monogram: Carl, don't interrupt me. Return to headquarters pronto.

Lyla Lolliberry: Sorry.

(Perry chatters and drives away)

(A title slide says "Two Months Later")

(Song: "My Undead Mummy" (instrumental))

Phineas: Good morning Perry. Ready to start another fun day?

Ferb: Good morning Perry.

(Perry walks downstairs)

Linda: Hi Perry, how are you?

Candace: Okay mom, if you go out into the yard today, and there's nothing there, I'll... I'll clean the bathroom.

Linda: Candace, you were supposed to do that anyway.

Candace: So we have a deal?

(Perry continues walking, outside)

Buford: So what you're sayin' is that it advocates a mixed economy, with significant roles are played by the private sector, and the government?

Baljeet: No it.. actually, yes. That is what I was saying.

Buford: Hey Perry.

Isabella: Good morning Perry. Whatcha doin?

(Perry walks out of the backyard, and puts on his fedora. He then enters his base via a tree)

Major Monogram: Agent P. Doofenshmirtz was last seen boarding a train transporting Precious Albert the Moose. Cue the graphic Carl. (A picture of Albert the Moose appears) Albert the Moose is Canada's prized animal, who represents the unity of the provinces. We need you to make sure Doof keeps his mitts off that moose. If you fail, Canada Day Celebrations will be ruined, (The picture of Albert the Moose disappears, except for the antlers) and Canada will break into civil war. Or, since it's Canada, it would be a civil conversation where secession would be topic of discussion, and... (Monogram notices the moose antlers) Carl? Antlers?

Carl: Sorry sir.

Major Monogram: Now this train runs along the border between the United States and Canada, so you only have jurisdiction on the American side of the train. To help you out on the Canadian side of the train You'll be teaming up with an Agent from C.O.W.C.A. the Canadian Organization Without a Cool Acronym, Agent Lyla. (A picture of the woman from Perry's previous mission is shown) You may remember her from that special assignment for our Seattle Bureau we sent you on a couple of months ago. I know that didn't go too well but I expect you to be professional, and put that all behind you. Get out there and good luck. (Perry leaves in his hover jet) Carl? Can I- Can I have those antlers back?

Carl: Sure sir.

(The antlers re-appear on the monitor)

Major Monogram: Oh yeah! I'm rockin' this look!

(Perry's hover jet arrives a the train, and he repels out of it, but his line gets tangle with Lyla's)

Lyla: Woo hoo! Ah, Agent P. we meet again. Aw look at that face.

(Perry slaps her hands away from his face)

Lyla: I know, you work alone. But you'll see Mr. "I can do it all by myself", having someone can be just what you need there.

(Perry jump down into the train through the hole he just cut.)

Lyla: Hey! Where you going?

(Perry lands across a table from Doofenshmirtz who is eating lunch)

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus, what an unexpected surpri--- (Perry moves to punch Doofenshmirtz) Oh, whoa, wait, wait, wait! You're trapped, by societal convention. Look, we're in a fine dinning environment, everyone knows not to thrown a scene in a fancy restaurant. That's right. You're trapped. Sit down.

(Lyla drops down)

Lyla: Oh shoot! I see we're trapped by societal convention.

Doofenshmirtz: Agent Lyla, from C.O.W.C.A.? IS this an international team up? Oh, you must hate that Perry the Platypus. A loner like you...

Lyla: Oh, come on, he's warming up to the idea.

Doofenshmirtz: Yes obviously.

Lyla: Why are you causing trouble in Canada, Doofenshmirtz?

Doofenshmirtz: Well, you see, I'm part of a U.S., Canada, evil scheme exchange program. I come up with a scheme, This other Canadian guy comes up with a scheme, and we switch. I do his scheme and he does mine.

Lyla: You gonna eat those fries?

Doofenshmirtz: Don't touch! Anyway I've got a little math quiz for the both of you. If a train carrying Precious Albert the Moose left British Columbia at eight o'clock in the morning, going eighty mile per hour, what time would it arrive at the Canada Day celebration? Answer? Never! Because I've tied up the conductor, and taken control of the train using my remote control Train-Operator-inator! Right now we are all headed to my scheme exchange partner's secret fortress. (Lyla reaches for the fries again) Hey cut it out, those are mine. Seriously, I can get the waiter over here if you want to order own, but please?

Lyla: This evil exchange partner of yours, what his name?

Doofenshmirtz: I think his name was Sir Railing, or Doctor Stairway, or something.

Lyla: Professor Bannister! Of course, my nemesis. Can I put some gravy on those?

Doofenshmirtz: Seriously, leave my lunch alone. Anyway, after Professor Banister gets the moose, it's going to ruin Canada Day, or you know, whatever. Crazy, right?

Lyla: You know what's really crazy? How good these fries are.

Doofenshmirtz: I am not kidding, leave those alone. I just don't understand it, why do you take my lunch, when you're in the dining car you can have you're own lunch. Oh it makes me crazy when people pick at my food. (Lyla winks at Perry, and Perry understands) Seriously, why is your hand out like that? I am seriously going to lose it. (Perry takes a fry) Aw, now you're both doing it!? Stop it! Stop it! Ahh! Oh no, even taking them but just squishing them! I can't take it. (Doofenshmirtz stands up and screams loudly) Get your own lunch!

(Everyone on the train looks at Doofenshmirtz)

Woman: That man is causing such a scene, it make me feel free to break up with you, IN A VERY LOUD MANNER!

(Everybody in the car begins screaming and yelling)

Waiter: I can't stand being a waiter!

Doofenshmirtz: Very clever, you've completely dismantled my societal convention trap. (Doofenshmirtz runs off)

Lyla: Let's get that "n-ator"!

Doofenshmirtz: It's pronounced "-inator"

(Doofenshmirtz runs down another car, but trips)

Doofenshmirtz: (To the tied up conductor) You did that on purpose!

Lyla: Alright Doofenshmirtz, end of the line!

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, train metaphors, so that's how it--

(Perry and Doofenshmirtz fight over the -inator, which flies out of their hands)

Lyla: I've got it! (It hits her) Ow!

(Perry grabs the -inator)

Lyla: Let me se-, I know how to-, just give me-

(The -inator flies out of their hands, and Doofenshmirtz grabs it)

Doofenshmirtz: You know, I think I'm with Perry the Platypus on this, I don't like seeing him teamed up either. ''(Perry kicks Doofenshmirtz down) '' Lyla: I don't know, I think he's warming up to it. Hey! That's the Canadian side of the train!

(Perry drags Doofenshmirtz over a bit to the American side of the train, then punches him)

Doofenshmirtz: Ow! You know I think I"m going back to the Canadian side.

Lyla: I've got this.

Doofenshmirtz: Oh no yo don't, I'm on the American side now, you can't touch me. (Perry throws a punch) Canada. (Lyla does the same) 'Merica. (Perry hits him) Ow! Oh, it's on now.

Lyla: As they all fight) Ha, take that. This is for William Hull, and the War of 1812, look it up kids. I've got him P, cuff him. Hold it, hold it, hold it. (Lyla, Perry and the Conductor rise from behind the seats) Ooh, Sorry. Where is he!

(The bathroom door is shown closing)

Lyla: Open up big guy.

Doofenshmirtz: Occupied.

Lyla: Oh, oh sorry, I didn't realize you had to uh..

Doofenshmirtz: You know what they have in here, they have those tiny soaps, they make my hands look so big, it's like I'm a giant. All set.

(Perry and Lyla enter the bathroom, only to see Doofenshmirtz is gone, and the window is open)

Lyla: I can't believe it! He left the seat up!

Doofenshmirtz: I'm up here Perry the Platypus! (to the audience) You knew we'd end up up here eventually right?

(Perry climbs up to get Doofenshmirtz)

Lyla: P? Wait up!

(She climbs up as well, and they begin to chase Doofenshmirtz)

Lyla: He's getting away!

(The train take a sharp turn, and Lyla looses her balance, hanging on by just one hand.)

Lyla: Ah! Perry! Hey! Help me up!

(Perry grabs her, and they both fall off the train)

Lyla: Oops, sorry. My bad, eh? Hey look! An old time-y handcar! I've got an idea, come on.

(Song: "Handcar")

Lyla: ''P, what are you doing? This is a handcar; there's a trick to it! Look, if we're going to catch the train, we're going to have to work together. We've gotta get in sync, develop a rhythm. Watch, I'll show you.''

Lyla: Yours goes up when mine goes down

And then we do it the other way around

Don't you give me that sigh, 'cause if we can't see eye to eye

Then our missions will be always filled with strife,

'Cause a handcar is a metaphor for life

For life...

(As the handcar starts to speed up, the music gradually gets faster)

Lyla: ''Don't push up, just push down; I'll push down on my side. That's it! That's right. Here we go!!!!''

(The music starts going even faster)

Lyla: ''Ah, I see a little platypus smile there! That's right! Now we're cookin' with gas! See? It's better when we work together!''

Lyla: We're on a handcar (Handcar!)

Yeah, we're gettin' in the groove

We're on a handcar (Handcar!)

It's the only way to move

We're on a handcar (Handcar!)

We're like a well-oiled machine

We're on a handcar (Handcar!)

Yeah, we're workin' like a team

We're on a handcar (Handcar!)

We're a real double-header

It's a heavy-handed metaphor

For how we work together!

It's a handcar! (Handcar!)

Yeah, we're on a handcar! (Handcar!)

We're on a handcar (Handcar!)

Yeah, we're on a handcar!

Man: Excuse me, conductor? (Doofenshmirtz walks over) You know the train doesn't seem to be stopping at any of the scheduled stations.

Doofenshmirtz: Is that a fact? My apologies straphanger. Wait, which one was your stop?

Man: The next one.

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, don't be concerned, step right this way.

(The Man and Doofenshmirtz are standing at a door)

Doofenshmirtz: So your wife is cooking dinner tonight?

Man: Oh, yes. We're having asparagus tips.

Doofenshmirtz: Asparagus tips, very classy. What's the entrée?

Man: Nova Scotia salmon.

Doofenshmirtz: Mmm-Mmm. Delish! Here's your-STATION!! (Doofenshmirtz kicks the man out the door) Say "hi" to your wife for me.

(The man tumble across a field, through a playground, then into his house.)

Wife: Well, someone's home early.

Man: The conductor says "hi".

Man on Train: Hey look fellow commuters, it's a lady!

Woman: And a platypus.

Woman 2: On a handcar.

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated

Doofenshmirtz: (He pulls out his phone) My cellphone alert says there's a new platypus video online, that's trending. (He sees the video) Perry the Platypus! And Agent Lyla? On an old time-y-- (Perry come in and kick Doofenshmirtz down, causing him to spin on his head) Oh! Ha! Bet you can't do that. I learned that in the 80's. I also learned how to back away slowly on a newly installed escape platform! Ha! So long suckers! And now to watch my evil plan play out from the observat-- This, this is an observation deck? Chair nailed to a roof?

Man: Your blocking my view of Saskatchewan, eh?

Doofenshmirtz: Saskatchewan is that way, you dolt!

Lyla: Hold it right there Doofenshmirtz.

Doofenshmirtz: No you hold it right there. Because I still have this! The Train-Operator-inator! Without it the train would be completely--

(The train enters a tunnel and smashes the -inator)

Lyla: Oh boy.

Doofenshmirtz: ...out of control.

(Meanwhile back in Danville)

Phineas: Hey, where's Perry?

Part II
Doofenshmirtz: Alright so I'm on a runaway train in a tunnel. Afraid of the dark, I- probably also afraid of runaway trains, never really given it much thought. Doesn't come up that.. (They leave the tunnel) Ahh!

Lyla: Okay let's focus, there's got to be an emergency brake in the engine car. Let's go.

(Perry and Lyla begin running across the top of the train)

Doofenshmirtz: So I... I guess I'll go with you then.(Doofenshmirtz begins to run as well, then stops) Wait up Perry the Platypus, my shoe's untied. Just hang on a second. (Lyla and Perry stop) You can't be too careful when you're running across a moving train. There we go. On second thought, I'll double knot this. Okay let's go! (Doofenshmirtz walks forward and falls through a hole) Ahh! Aww, gross some joker left the seat up. Would you guys mind bringing me some paper towels, or something? (Lyla and Perry continue running) No?

(They get to the engine car, and hop in)

Lyla: The emergency brake is toast, I'm going to have to jury-rig the controls. Darn it!

(Doofenshmirtz enters the car)

Doofenshmirtz: If we weren't in the middle of a runaway train crisis, I would totally be giving you a hard time about leaving me in the toilet bowl.

Lyla: Now let me just get the red wire... Ah-ha! Bingo!

Doofenshmirtz: Uh, not to burst your bubble, but I don't think we're slowing down.

Lyla: We're not, I just got the hazard lights working. Safety first. The brakes were too far gone to fix. Now we just need to get all the passengers and Precious Albert the Moose into the same car, and we can save them. (Perry chatters) You're right! The caboose! Let's go!

Doofenshmirtz: This is why I'd rather not make friends, they find someone else, and "Bam!" you're alone.

Lyla: (Over the announcement system) Attention passengers, there is no need to panic, but--

(All the passengers scream, and run towards the caboose)

Butler: Pardon the interruption, Precious Albert, Sir, but your tea is ready.

(Albert begins to drink his tea, but is interrupted by all of the passengers flooding into the caboose)

Lyla: Folks, everything is under control, eh? We're going to separate the caboose from the rest of the train. (Lyla see the caboose has become disconnected, speak to Perry) Oh, you already did it. Nice going partner. I'm going to take a pic of this and send it to C.O.W.C.A.

Doofenshmirtz: We're saved. We did it! (everybody cheers)

(The caboose get pinched by two metal pincers)

Doofenshmirtz: Wait, I swear that wasn't me.

(The caboose gets lifted into the air by Banister's helicopter)

Lyla: Banister! I should've known. You thinking what I'm thinking?

(Lyla and Perry climb to the top of the car, and fire their grappling hooks into the helicopter, and get lifted away)

Doofenshmirtz: (Now on top of the caboose) Aw, man, I never have a grappling hook when I need one. And I totally looked at mine this morning when I was getting dressed. Right there on the dresser. I hate it when that happens.

(In the helicopter)

Bannister: Well, well, well. If it isn't C.O.W.C.A.'s best agent, the unfortunately named, Lyla Lolliberry.

Lyla: Listen you, I come from a long alliterative line of Lolliberrys.

Bannister: And now you're trapped, miles above solid ground, with nothing but a beaver at your side.

Doofenshmirtz: (Climbing into the helicopter) He's a platypus, not a beaver. Hiya Banny! Pardon me, official exchange buddy coming through. (To Bannister) Yo, bro. Back so soon? My evil plan usually takes all day. How'd you do it so fast?

Bannister: Well I'll tell you. It went a little something like this: (In Bannister's flashback; Bannister flips the switch on Doofenshmirtz's -inator to "on", then leaves)

Doofenshmirtz: Well, I guess if you've got no one to monologue to...

Lyla: Enough backstory.

Doofenshmirtz: Actually that's not uh, that's not really a backstory, it's just expositional flashback. It doesn't uh, have any childhood trauma. It doesn't really form who he is. It's not... It's just flashback, there's a difference. It's suble, but there's a difference. (To Bannister) Anyway you're not the only productive one. I've taken care of your moose problem.

Bannister: Perfect! No Albert the Moose. No Canada Day.

Lyla: And you call yourself a Canadian!

Banister: Do I? You think that just because I'm polite, smell like pine needles, and over emphasize me T's, I'm Canadian? Well, you'd be wrong! Because I'm from Greenland! (Bannister tears down the Canadian flag hanging on the wall, revealing the flag of Greenland, cue dramatic music)

(Lyla and Doofenshmirtz gasp)

Doofenshmirtz: Cool flag.

Bannister: Thanks. Wait! No it's not! And that's the problem! We have no national pride! I mean listen to this: (He plays a song) Greenland's National Anthem. Seriously! Does that inspire you to do anything other than icefish? But Canada? Oh they've got it all. The maple syrup. The national parks. The medal winning curling team. And the Moose. The moose! The symbol of Canada's National Pride! Precious Albert the Moose! What if he were to disappear? Everyone would lapse into a deep malaise. Forgetting what it means to be Canadian. I will then annex Canada to Greenland! Bring back Precious Albert, and reinvigorate the national pride! And I've written a new national anthem.

(Song: "Greenland National Anthem)

Bannister: Oh, Greenland,

Home of things that aren't so green,

Though we call it Greenland.

Shiny Greenland,

People are very short there

In Greenland.

Doofenshmirtz: You're from Greenland! Do you know how it meant from mis-representing you country of origin to the L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. Organization? Plus your scheme is unnecessary complicated and doesn't even seem like it would work! And that's coming from me!

Banister: It's the perfect plan! Yes it will. See, he agrees. Will you stop it?

Lyla: Who is he talking to?

Banister: Oh, how rude of me, allow me to introduce... (Banister removes his lab coat revealing two robots) Me-Positive, and Me-Negative! They're two magnetic robots I created for the purpose of vanquishing my enemies!

Doofenshmirtz: Magnetic robots?

Bannister: Yes, because it's all about polarity! You can't have two positives, or two negatives.

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, you can have two negatives, just look at my family.

Lyla: Wait a second. Those robot parts look familiar.

Bannister: Oh, right. I got them from some friends of mine. I think you may have met in Seattle. (Banister mentions to the thugs in the truck from Seattle, who are playing cards)

Doofenshmirtz: Wow, those guys have been playing cards really quietly.

Lyla: I remember them. But I knew they would lead me to you, Banister. That's why I let them escape.

Bannister: Never mind them. Me-Positive, and Me-Negative can take care of you.

Lyla: Oh I get it, we're going to have an old fashioned helicopter fight.

Doofenshmirtz: Oh a helicopter fight? These can get really nasty. I'm just going to go play cards.

(Song "Helicopter Fight")

If you're looking for action, better hold on tight

(Helicopter fight, helicopter fight)

L-l-l-looks like we got ourselves a helicopter fight

(Helicopter fight, helicopter fight)

To remove any confusion from ambiguous writing

(Helicopter fight, helicopter fight)

This is people fighting on a helicopter,

Not two helicopters fighting (Ooohhhhh!)

Though that would have been cool, (Yeah?)

It might have been more exciting (You think?)

Let's take a look

... (Two helicopters are seen fighting)

No, that looked better in my head,

Let's just get back to the action

That was really pretty lame,

I apologize for the distraction

This is a helicopter fight!

(People fighting on a helicopter)

This is a helicopter fight!

(People fighting on a helicopter)

This is a helicopter fight!

(It's not two helicopters fighting, oh no

We saw it, but it was only so-so...

This is people fighting on a helicopter!

Banister: What!? (He throws the flag of Greenland over Lyla and Perry) I have just one thing to say to you Lyla Loliberry, (He jumps from the helicopter) Farväl!

Lyla: What does "farväl" mean?

Banister: It's Swedish for "goodbye". It's one of the languages we speak in Greenla--

(Bannister is grabbed out of the sky by Peter the Panda's plane)

Bannister: Jinx you Lyla Lolliberry. Jinx you!

(Perry shows Lyla a picture of the fight)

Lyla: Way to text in the cavalry. Okay, let's get this bird off to Canada day. We have a guest of honor to deliver.

(At the Canada Day Celebration)

Man: Go Canada! Go, eh?

Man 2: Way to go Constitution Act of 1864!

Man: Right on!

Man 2: WooOoo!

Lyla: So now you see why I had to let those guys go, right P.?

Doofenshmirtz: Well how was he supposed to know you had a tracker on their truck?

Lyla: He understands how these things are. One minute your catching a thief the next you get intel they might be leading you somewhere bigger and better.

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, and by "bigger and better" you obviously mean me! Right? Right?

Lyla: Yeah, right. Anyway. You've got some serious skills there P.

(Perry Chatters)

Lyla: Stop, you're making me blush.

Monogram: Good work to the both of you. I can see things went well with our neighbors to the North.

Doofenshmirtz: Well now that our mission is done--

Lyla: Our mission?

Doofenshmirtz: ...maybe we could drop by Niagara Falls. It's so close by, and I've always wanted to see it.

Monogram: Well I suppose we could swing by on our way back.

(Peter, Lyla, Perry, Doofenshmirtz, Carl, and Monogram all observe Niagara Falls in silence, then slowly leave a la Ocean's Eleven)

Doofenshmirtz: I wonder how my scheme worked out for Professor Banister. I'm sure that Cloud Magnitizer-inator was a winner.

(Scene shifts to the backyard)

Candace: Mom! Mom! Mom! Hey Perry.(Bends down to pets him) Mom! Mom! Mom!

Phineas: How was it that a cloud was able to carry off our metal superstructure?

Candace: But, but, but...

Linda: Someone's got a bathroom to clean. Everyone else, there's pie.

Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry.

Ferb: Ah, a platypus's life is a life of leisure.

Phineas: Yes, yes it is.

End credits
Monogram: We'd like to apologize on behalf of the show, for poking a little fun at Greenland. The Greenland flag is actually verifiable cool. It was designed by Thue Christiansen as part of a flag designing contest in the 80's... Is this actually true, Carl?

Carl: According to the internet, sir.

Monogram: Well, what do you know? Also we understand that the people of Greenland do have enormous national pride, and are not necessarily short. This was all purely in the interest of comedy, and not meant to be taken seriously. Go Greenland!