Double Date

''[Darth and Julie are making out in the food court when the rubber bands on their braces get caught together. After a couple of futile attempts to break free, they revert to snogging.]'' Caitlin: "Eww." Jen: "What? I think it's sweet that they're so into each other." Caitlin: "Okay. You've either suffered a slip and fall, or–" [She gasps.] "EEEE! You like someone!" [sitting down] "Spill it, who is it?" Jen: "A Greeter God from Albatross & Finch. He's so cute! I met him at Grind Me yesterday, and we're going out tonight!" Jen and Caitlin: "EEEEE!" [Wyatt looks around and sees George and Gracie Bickerson walk by with hickeys on them and Jason and Joanie kissing as usual.] Wyatt: "What's going on around here?" Jen: [sighing] "I guess love is in the air." [Jen and Caitlin sniff the air and quickly cover their noses.] Jen: "Ew!" Caitlin: "Gross!" Jude: "Actually, that was my chili dog." Caitlin: "Ew, Jude!" Nikki: [walking up to the table with Jonesy] "What is wrong with you?" Jonesy: "What's the big deal? It's a book." Nikki: "Jonesy took my World History textbook into the loathsome washrooms." Caitlin and Jen: "Eww!" Jonesy: "What? I was in there for a really long time. I needed something to read." Jude: "Two-for-one chili dogs at Burger McFlipster's?" Jonesy: "You know it, bro!" [They hi-five.] "Those things are awesome goin' down. Not so great comin' out." Caitlin: "Ew!" Jen: "Gross!" Nikki: "Just what I wanted to hear." Jonesy: "It's still your book, Nikki. Not like you can't ever read it again." [His stomach gurgles.] "Did you dudes know that Napoleon was actually of average height for an 18th-century Frenchman?" Nikki: "Oh, great. So now you're picking up on world history?" Jonesy: "Maybe I should study on the toilet more often." Nikki: "You spend enough time in there." Wyatt: "I knew two-for-one chili dog week was a bad idea." Jude: [ecstatic] "You mean it's going all week?" Jonesy: "All right!" [He fist-bumps Jude.] Jude: "Yes!" ''[Jude and Jonesy laugh. Suddenly, Jen and Caitlin cover their noses.]'' Caitlin: "Aw, Jude!" Jen: "Nasty!" Wyatt: "Sick!" Jude: "It wasn't me this time." Jonesy: "It was me." Nikki: "Ugh, I'm out of here." Wyatt: "I'm with you." Jen: "Nasty!" Caitlin: "Rotten eggs times ten!" [Everyone but Jonesy and Jude vacate the table.] Jude: [hi-fiving Jonesy] "Nice, bro."

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Double Date''

[Jude and Wyatt are standing by the escalators.] Jude: "Do you think fart power will make me go any faster?" Wyatt: "No, but it'll clear the escalator." Jude: "Wicked! Help me out here, lickety-split Maxi-wax!" [He rubs it on his skateboard.] Wyatt: "Are you sure that stuff's a good idea? I heard it's used to lubricate the tracks for high-speed Japanese bullet trains." Jude: "Then it must be awesome." [He spins a wheel and rolls it on the ground.] "Cool. Let's go!" [He wipes his hands on his shirt and takes off.] "WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! Excellent!" [He flies off of the escalator.] "WOO-HOO!!! YEAH!!!" [His hands start to swell.] "Whoa. Whoa, what the–AAAAHHH!" [He lands on his skateboard, flies off of the escalator, and finds he's unable to stop as he skates into the Penalty Box and rams into a hockey display.] "WWWWAAAAAAHHHAAAAA!!!" Jen: [shocked] "Jude, are you okay?" Jude: "I am, but my hands aren't, bra. You okay, finger puppets?" Jen: "Omigosh, Jude, that's disgusting!" Jude: "My skateboard wax maxed my hands! They're itchy!" Wyatt: [coming up to them] "I told you that Maxi-wax was bad news, bro." Jude: "So itchy!" [He scratches furiously.] Jen: "Here, borrow these." [She plops a pair of hockey gloves on his hands.] Jude: "But now I can't scratch." Wyatt: "That's the idea." ''[Jude waits a second before futilely attempting to scratch again. Wyatt sighs and grabs him.]'' Wyatt: "Let's get you cleaned up."

''[Wyatt and Jude exit the bathroom. Jude is still trying to scratch.]'' Wyatt: "Keep the gloves on, okay? Now, let's find something to get your mind off–" Jude: "Whoa, check it!" [Jude is staring at a movie poster.] "A contest to win tickets to the premiere of War Star Galaxy Force!" Wyatt: [reading] "Whomever leaves the best message in the video booth wins tickets to the premiere." Jude: "And free extra-cheda-cheda-nachos from Wonder Taco." Wyatt: "Hey, as long as it's not those chili dogs."

''[Caitlin exits Abercombie & Finch. As she leaves, a Greeter God says goodbye.]'' Grady: "So I'll see you tomorrow at six?" Caitlin: "You know it. And don't forget to wear that shirt I picked out for you. Or not." [Caitlin bats her eyelashes at the Greeter God and exits the store, along the way running into Jen.] Caitlin: "Hi Jen." Jen: "Why were you just batting your eyelashes at Grady?" Caitlin: "Oh. Do you know him?" Jen: "Yeah. I'm going out with him tonight!" Caitlin: "Grady is your Greeter God? Wh–we're supposed to go out tomorrow night!" Tricia: "I don't think so, lemonhead. Grady's mine." Jen and Caitlin: [shocked] "WHAT?!?" Kirsten: [running up with Kristen] "I'm with Grady!" Kristen: "Duh, you're with me." Kirsten: "I mean I'm dating Grady?" Kristen: "So am I!" Kristen and Kirsten: "EEEEE!" Caitlin: "Um, that's not a good thing." Tricia: "You guys need to get your own guy–" [to Jen] "–and a sense of style. You're wearing vertical stripes." Kirsten: "Eww." [Jen growls.]

[Jude and Wyatt are standing outside the video booth.] Jude: "So how are we gonna win the War Star tickets, bro?" Darth: [walking by with Julie] "You're not, we are." Julie: "See you later, suckers!" ''[They slide the curtain shut behind them. Jonesy walks up.]'' Jonesy: "You guys seen Nikki?" Jude: "Nope. You wanna help us win tickets to see War Star Galaxy Force? For free?" Jonesy: "Nep." Wyatt: "C'mon, you love sci-fi, bro." Jonesy: "I do–" [looking at Nikki] "–but we don't." Jude: "What're you talking about, dude? We think sci-fi rocks the galaxy." Wyatt: "Jonesy meant him and Nikki." Jude: "Oh." Jonesy: "I've still got some making up to do for this morning." [sighing] "With the book and the chili dogs..." [Nikki walks up.] "I'm taking Nikki out for lunch." Wyatt: "You sure?" Nikki: "Sure about what?" Jude: "About not winning tickets to see War Star Galaxy Force." Nikki: [chuckling] "Oh, he's positive." [more sober] "What's with the hockey gloves?" ''[Jude takes one of them off and pulls his hand out. It is dripping with blood.]'' Nikki: "Ew, Jude!" Jonesy: "Oh no! What the–your hand, man! There's blood and–" Jude: "Relax, dude." [He licks his hand.] "It's ketchup." Wyatt: "Ketchup?" Jude: "It feels good. Who knew ketchup could be so soothing?" [to Jonesy and Nikki] "I had a little mishap with my board wax. I think I'm allergic." Nikki: "Ya think?" Jonesy: "That's sick, dude!" [Jude puts his hand back in the glove.] "Well, catch you guys later." [Jonesy and Nikki back away from Jude and Wyatt.] Jude: [calling after them] "You're missing out on complimentary nachos!" Jonesy: [offscreen] "Good luck eating them with those gloves on!" [Jude looks at his gloves and gasps.] Jude: "Dude! How am I gonna eat my free nachos with these on?" Julie: "Won't be eating any nachos, skater boy. We've got this contest licked!" [She and Darth leave.] Jude: [irritated] "Taco Chick is starting to get on the wrong side of my nachos."

''[The girls are still arguing over who gets to date Grady. Gwen and Mandy have joined the fight.]'' Tricia: "He's mine!" Caitlin: "He is not, Tricia!" Jen: "I met Grady first!" Tricia: "I did!" Kirsten: "No, I did!" [A fight breaks out among the seven girls.] Grady: "Whoa." [He backs away from the scene.]

[Jonesy is eating a taco.] Jonesy: "Mmm-mmm-mmm." Nikki: "So...this is your idea of taking me out for lunch, huh." Jonesy: "Darth and Julie seem to be enjoying themselves." [He glances over at the two, who are sharing a taco.] Julie: "More ground beef?" [feeding Darth] "Eat up, loverboy." Nikki: "Darth and Julie also enjoy engaging in mock lightsaber battles. They love the original War Star trilogy. They're geeks." Jonesy: "True, but they're happy geeks. And I like the War Star trilogy too. What do you want? I'll get you anything in the food court." Nikki: [looking at Jonesy's dripping taco] "Not so hungry." [Jonesy finishes his taco.] "Why don't you just go and make that video with the guys? You're obviously still thinking about it." Jonesy: "Really?" Nikki: "Really. Just go before I change my mind." [Jonesy grabs Nikki and pulls her towards the video booth.]

[Jude and Wyatt exit the booth and find Jonesy and Nikki outside.] Jonesy: "Alright, guys! Let's win those tickets!" Wyatt: "Sorry, dude. We just made our winning video." [He hi-fives Jude.] Jude: "Slammin'! I showed them my hands." [He takes off a glove to reveal his hands now have mustard.] Wyatt: [rolling his eyes] "Jude added mustard to the ketchup." Nikki: "Just keep those hands away from me. Ew." Jude: "Are they really that gross, bra?" Nikki: "Uh, yes." Jude: [to Wyatt] "Does this mean Monica, the hot dog girl, isn't gonna–want to go out with me tonight?" Wyatt: [surprised] "You've got a date tonight?" Nikki: "Uh Jude, you might want to cancel that." Jonesy: "The hot dog girl might dig the condiments, bro, but the boils? Are something else." Jude: "Darn." [He puts his hand back in his glove.] Wyatt: "Catch you guys later." [He and Jude leave.] Jonesy: "Great. So now I have no one to make a video with." [Jonesy looks at Nikki and gets an idea.] Nikki: "Oh no. Oh, no." Jonesy: [dragging her towards the booth] "Come on! You've got to! Please?"

[The girls have gathered in the cafe after their huge fight.] Tricia: "One gi-massive double-shot mocha with extra caffeine." Caitlin: "Make that nine." Jen: "I can't believe what a jerk Grady turned out to be. He was so cute!" Caitlin: "So were those kitten mules you wore to the Winter Wonderland dance, remember? But the heel fell off and you fell down the stairs." Jen: "You're right! Grady's a heel!" Tricia: "I think he needs to be taught a lesson." Kristen: "I just learned that if you add vinegar to baking soda, it explodes!" Caitlin: "Not a grade five science lesson, Kirsten. Tricia means–" Tricia: "Revenge." Jen: "Enh, I dunno." Tricia: "And why stop with Grady? We could get all the jerks in the mall." Caitlin: "We could give out glue sticks and tell them it's deodorant." Tricia: "Or, we could bake cookies, replace the chocolate chips with laxatives, and hide all the toilet paper in the mall." Jen: "Ooh, that's dirty!" [to Caitlin] "Remember to give Jude and Jonesy their own rolls of TP." [Caitlin looks blank.] "Chili dogs." Caitlin: "Ew."

[Jude, Jonesy, Nikki, and Wyatt have gathered with a bunch of other people so they can see the winning video.] Nikki: "So, how's the big moment?" Jude, Jonesy, and Wyatt: "Sssh!" Nikki: "Wow. Okay." Announcer: "The lucky winner of tickets to tonight's premiere of War Star Galaxy Force are...Darth and Julie!" Jonesy: "What?" Jude: "No way, dude." Julie: [celebrating] "We won, Darth, we won!" Darth: "The power of the Force has prevailed!" Announcer: "Thanks to the thirty-seven video submissions they left!" Jonesy: "What?" Jude: "No way." Wyatt: "That's cheating!" [A video plays.] Darth: "You're mine!" ''[His captured princess Julie pulls out a lightsaber. Darth pulls out one in return, and they start to fight. Darth ends up being smacked into the camera, and Nikki laughs.]'' Nikki: "See? See? Lightsaber battle." Jonesy: "Yeah, yeah." Julie: "Thank you for all your long-term and dedicated support." Announcer: "Ooh, what do we have here? A tie!" [Darth and Julie gasp.] "Congratulations also to Jonesy and Nikki for their winning video!" Nikki: "What?" Jonesy: "Yes!" [Nikki and Jonesy's video begins playing.] Jonesy: [in the booth] "Is this thing on?" Nikki: [outside the booth] "No, I-I'm not making this dumb video with you, Jonesy!" Jonesy: [trying to pull Nikki in] "My girlfriend Nikki and I are dying to see War Star Galaxy Force." Nikki: "I do not want to see that movie with you!" Jonesy: [manipulating Nikki's hand like a puppet] "My name is Nikki? And I love War Star Galaxy Force. I'm also crazy about my boyfriend Jonesy." [He makes the hand kiss him repeatedly.] Nikki: "Jonesy!" [She slaps him.] ''[Outside of the video, the food court erupts in laughter. Jonesy kisses her.]'' Nikki: [stunned] "I can't believe this. I have to see War Star Galaxy Force? With Julie and Darth?"

[Jonesy has met up with Darth and Julie.] Darth: "So you ready for our double date?" Jonesy: "It's not a double date." Julie: "Maybe we can be new best friends." Jonesy: "Where is Nikki?" [Nikki arrives.] Julie: "Hi Nikki!" Nikki: "Hi Julie." Jonesy: [quietly] "What are you doing, leaving me here with Julie and Darth?" Nikki: "Well, you've got so much in common, what with your shared love of this movie franchise, I'm sure you had a ton to talk about." Jonesy: "You missed all the movie's stars!" Nikki: "I'm sure they were devastated. C'mon, let's get this over with." ''[The four enter the theater. Nikki and Jonesy sit down.]'' "Well, at least we're not sitting with them." [Julie and Darth sit in front of them.] "All I can see is a great big taco!" Jonesy: [whispering] "Darth! Darth! Take off the headgear, you're blocking the screen!" Darth: [whispering] "No can do. I need it to make my bootleg video of the movie." Jonesy: "A bootleg movie, huh?" Nikki: [whispering] "Oh no. Do not even think about it!" Darth: [whispering] "Argh, I can't see over the Wookie in front of me!" Jonesy: "I'll tell you what. I'll let you switch places with Nikki and have an unobstructed view of the screen if you let the Jonesmiester in on access to the master DVD." Darth: [whispering] "It's a deal!" Nikki: [annoyed] "You sold me out for a bootleg video!" Jonesy: [whispering] "You didn't even want to see the movie anyway!" [The four watch the movie.] Actor: "There has been a great shift in the Force. Pledge your allegiance now or be destroyed." Actor #2: "It's Councillor Bagbutine! He works for the Rebellion!" Actor: "Engage evasive maneuvers." Actor #3: [as sirens go off] "Quickly! Everybody on the ship! RP-MP3, I need you to navigate!" Nikki: [to Julie] "What have you got there?" Julie: [annoyed] "Popcorn with green gummies." Nikki: "Oh yeah? Me too. I really like how the chewiness counters the crunch. I don't know why the green gummies. I mean, you'd think red or even orange would be just as good. I heard they shot some of this in Tunisia. Wouldn't you love to go there?" Julie: [irritated] "Uh-huh."

[A while later, Julie and Nikki are still talking, although the former would like to stop.] Nikki: "Hey, have you seen that show, Globe Tracker?" Julie: [annoyed] "Ssh. Yeah." Nikki: "I love that show. Wow. Who'd've thought we'd have some common interests, huh? Did you ever see that episode in Morocco?" Julie: "Uh-huh." Nikki: "Now there's a romantic country. Did you know that they're the only African nation not to..."

[The movie has ended.] Nikki: "I always run out of gummies before my popcorn's finished. Don't you find that? There's never enough gummies." [Julie sighs, irritated, as the four exit the theater.]

[The council of nine have reached some agreements.] Tricia: "Okay. We have the punishments. Now what are the crimes?" Caitlin: "Making you see a dumb sci-fi movie." Jen: "Forgetting your birthday." Tricia: "Buying you a present that he secretly wants for himself." Caitlin: "Standing you up!" Glutes Girl: "Calling you by his ex's name!" Jen: "Oh! Rubbernecking!" Fine Girl: "Dating your best friend." Jen and Caitlin: [gasping] "Nothing could be worse than that!"

[Jonesy, Darth, Nikki, and Julie walk through the mall.] Darth: "The best of the trilogy! Wouldn't you say, my princess?" Julie: [bitter] "I wouldn't know." Nikki: "It was good chatting with you, Julie." Julie: [angry] "Yeah. Sure." Darth: [handing Jonesy a video card] "Here. You return it to me pronto so I can make copies." Jonesy: "You got it." ''[Darth and Julie move on. Nikki is grinning as she moves closer to Jonesy.]'' Nikki: "Huh. That wasn't nearly as horrifying as I thought. You know, when you get past the braces and the drool, Julie's not a bad conversationalist." Jonesy: "Did you watch any of the movie?" Nikki: "Oh, I saw the end credits."

[The council of nine has gathered inside Burger McFlipster's.] Wyatt: [singing] "Look at the ladies/Making me crazy/Check out those hungry eyes/Would you like to upsize?/Or add a side of fries?/Lettuce or pickle/Just don't be fickle/I want you to enjoy/Triple A beef or soy/Because I am your burger boy!" Tricia: "Are you comparing women to hamburgers? To ground-up meat?" Wyatt: "No, it's just a song. A song I have to sing for my job." Tricia: "We'll just see about that." Wyatt: "See about what?" [Jen and Caitlin silently signal him to back down.] Tricia: "Put him on the list, girls." [The council leaves.] Wyatt: [worried] "Put me on the list for what?"

[Nikki walks up to Jonesy just as he finishes selling a DVD to a customer.] Jonesy: "Guess what? I've sold a dozen DVDs!" Nikki: "Congratulations. Your first successful job, and it's illegal. Listen to this!" [She pulls out her phone.] Phone Message: "You have reached the orthodontic practice of Dr. D. Kaye." Jonesy: "Is something the matter with your teeth?" Nikki: "No, that's Julie's cell number. At least the one she gave me." Jonesy: "You're hanging with Julie?" Nikki: "No. Well, maybe. Except that she gave me the wrong number!" Jonesy: "Why don't you just go talk to her?" Nikki: [seeing Julie at work] "What? Darth told me she was visiting her grandmother!" [She drags Jonesy off.] Jonesy: "Hey, what are we doing?!?" [Nikki drags him behind a garbage can.] Nikki: "We're spying on 'em. I don't think Julie wants to hang out with me." Jonesy: "And that bothers you because?" Nikki: "I don't know! It just...does!" Jonesy: "That makes absolutely no sense!" Robbie: [walking up to Darth] "I sold all the DVDs. Here's your money." Jonesy: "Hey!" [He runs over.] "What's going on? Here I am hocking my own DVDs, while my little brother has sold out to the Dark Side!" Ron: [behind him] "War Star Galaxy Force. You pirating punks come with me!" [Darth, Jonesy, and Robbie gasp.] Robbie: "Thanks a lot, Jonesy!"

[Soon enough, Ron is carting away the crooks while the girls look on.] Nikki: "So, wanna hang while the guys are in the slammer?" Julie: "Um, I have to get back to work." [advertising] "Ground beef, anyone? Anyone, please?" [Nikki gapes.] "Anyone?"

[In mall jail, the hours tick by for the bored, unfortunate Jonesy, Darth, and Robbie.]

[The council of nine is comforting a crying girl.] Jen: "It's okay, Monica. We've all been stood up before." Tricia: "Speak for yourself, shortstop." Jen: "Don't worry. We'll teach the jerk a lesson." Kristen and Kirsten: "EEEE!" Kirsten: "Can we try the wasabi tongue torture?" Tricia: "Just tell us his name." Monica: [wailing] "His name is–Jude!" [Jen gasps.]

''[Caitlin is at work. Jude is standing by. Caitlin receives a call]'' Caitlin: "Hey Jen." Jen: [whispering] "Caitlin, we've got a situation. Where's Jude?" Caitlin: "He's right here." Jen: [whispering] "Put him on speakerphone!" [Caitlin does as asked.] "Jude. I need to know what happened with you and Monica, the hot dog girl." Jude: [shocked] "Monica! I forgot to cancel our date! I couldn't dial my phone with these gloves on!" Jen: "We'll you'd better trade those hockey gloves for boxing mitts 'cause–" [Tricia grabs her phone.] Tricia: "Traitor. You're aiding and abetting the enemy." Kirsten: "You should never bet on boys, Jen. Gambling's an addiction." Jen: "Jude isn't one of the bad guys!" Tricia: "Ladies, he's at that big dumb lemon. Let's get him!" [The council of what is now seven stalk out of Grind Me.]

Jonesy: [claustrophobic] "We are gonna get out of here, right? A-and when we do, we'll celebrate!" Darth: "Not with Nikki! Having fun with Nikki, Julie was not." Jonesy: "What?" Darth: "Nikki talked too much, and not a word of it in Mandalorian!" Jonesy: "On Planet Earth, we speak English. Uh, and a bunch of other languages. None of which are Mandalorian." Robbie: [laughing] "Even the nerd thinks you and your girlfriend are losers." Nikki: "Ahem." [Nikki is outside the cell with Ron.] Jonesy: "Nikki!" Nikki: "I'm here for Jonesy. Here's his whole stock of DVDs." Ron: [opening the cell door for Jonesy] "Luckily you've got a lady friend on the outside." Darth: "I have a lady friend too!" [worried] "You're not going to torture me, are you? I know my rights!" Ron: [holding up a mint-in-box action figure] "I have other ways of making you talk." Darth: [worried] "You wouldn't dare break the seal, thus reducing my vintage action figures to half their value!" ''[Ron breaks the seal. Darth begins to weep.]'' "Alright! Alright! The DVDs are in Wonder Taco!" Robbie: "Can I go home now?" Darth: [crying] "I'll never double date again!"

[Tricia pounds on the closed Big Squeeze.] Tricia: "You're surrounded, lemonhead. Open up before we squeeze you out." Caitlin: "Jude didn't mean to stand Monica up." Tricia: "Nice, Caitlin. So you've abandoned your sisters for a guy." Caitlin: [opening the lemon] "That's funny coming from you, Tricia! Jude is more of a sister to me than you will ever be!" Jude: "I have something to say." [Pomp and Circumstance begins to play.] "Some people think that men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. But that's impossible! 'Cause those are totally different planets, and we're all here on Earth. So, we need to learn to live together, as well as reduce, reuse and recycle. Thank you. P.S.: Monica, I'm sorry I stood you up last night." [The hearts of the girls start to soften.] Jock: [walking up] "Can I get some service, please?" Caitlin: "Of course. What can I get you?" Tricia: "You can get him and I two lemon whips to go. Lemonhead." Caitlin: "I am not a lemonhead!" Tricia: [picking up a lemon] "Oh no?" [She squirts lemon juice into Caitlin's face.] "Now you are." Caitlin: "AAAH!" ''[Caitlin returns fire by throwing lemons, and an all-out lemon war starts between the girls. Jonesy, Jen, and Nikki arrive in the middle of the battle.]'' Nikki: "This is just like that scene in the movie. Only with lemons instead of lasers." [They get hit with lemons.] Nikki: "Ooh!" Jen: "Ow!" Jonesy: "Watch it!" Jen: "I have seen the enemy, and it is us."

[Caitlin is cleaning up the lemon debris.] Jen: "That ended well." Caitlin: "I think I'd rather take my chances with the occasional jerk than deal with Tricia." Nikki: "How are your hands, Jude?" Jude: "Stellar. Good enough to eat two more chili dogs with Jonesy." Nikki, Jen, and Caitlin: "Ugh!" Wyatt: "Oh, why?" Jen: "If you're all better, it's your turn with the mop." Wyatt: "Hey, I never asked you guys how the movie was." Nikki: "See for yourself." [She pulls out a DVD.] Jonesy: [amazed] "You kept a copy!" Nikki: "Just one. I know how much it means to you." Jonesy: "You're the best, Nikki. And in return, I promise never to fart again." [He farts.] "Starting–" [farting] "–right now." [fart] "Oops, okay, now." [fart] "After that one, start now." [fart] "From here on in, no more farting." [He farts, and the table laughs.]