Treehouse of Horror XVIII

Oh hello. You remember Halloween? It was last week. But here at the Simpson house, we're still celebrating it. Tonight, we have three terrifying tales of the... Excuse me. Now then, our first gory story is... Oh, for crying out loud! No fair. Can't anyone just watch the show they're watching? Dinner is served. Mmm. Developed by. Crème brulée! Crème brulée! Or, in English: Burnt cream! Burnt cream! Hold on. I still have to caramelize. Bart, go out to the shed and get some more butane! ...butane this. What's that unearthly glow? The only sensible thing to do is explore it on my own. Huh? Oh, my God. An alien... in our butane storage shed. Is that your space name? No, you hit me in my 700 testicles. Why did you come to our world? My friends and I came in peace to find your vulnerabilities and, um, shore them up with more peace. Yes. Then I was accidentally left behind... in a spirit of peace. Is that a ray gun? No, it's a... deodorant applicator. I'll just... Smells like a summer breeze. So, this is my Krusty dolll0o, Linguo, Iraq War Sergeant Activity with insufficient armor, Phonic Frog, cat skull, Jim Halterman bobblehead doll. He's a local car dealer. Hmm... do all humans have such weak necks or just the one you call "Jim Halterman"? Oh, my God, an alien. I'm going to blow Rachel Goodman away at show-and-tell. No. If the government finds out he's here, they'll dissect him. I only hope those scientists leave me my mouth, so I may spread my message of peace through song. Peace... Peace, peace, peace. From space. As this month's rotating president of the Springfield Future Scientists Club, may I say I'm sorry and is there anything we can do to help? Well, I would like to phone home to tell my family I'm okay. To do so, I would need the following items. Get them now. Fiber-optic cable, uranium 235, two tickets to Avenue Q, seven billion body bags... Can I hammer that? No. Can I weld that? No! Can I tighten the... I said no! I thought we were supposed to do this together. Actually, I do have an important job for you. You can go get the wrench I dropped. I'm helping! I'm helping! Way to getrid of Bart. He can be such a pest. You are very observant, Lisa. That's why I have a special job for you. Go find out the secret locations of your country'smissile defense facilities. They were in yesterday's New York Times. We'll be killing every human in two days. We'll be killing every human in two days. We will cook them, we will eat them 'Cause that's the way to treat them... Oh, Ma-arge. Want some company? As always, silence means yes. How about a little neck rub, baby? Now, how about the neck of my butt? Oh-ho-ho! Someone's taking the highway to the danger zone. Oh, Marge, your tentacles feel so good. Wait a minute. Why am I getting words in edgewise? We can't have a space creature living in our house. Go ahead. Say it. It's because I'm Jewish. No, no, no, some of my best friends are... Fine, you can stay. Look! They're coming to get... what's your name? Kodos the Destroyer. Huh? Don't worry, son. I got a planto save your space doggy. Who is it? Ma'am, we have reason to believe that you're harboring an alien. Open this doorat once. Oh, I'm not decent. Let me throw something on. Can I help you, gentlemen? Uh, we know it'syou, Mr. Simpson. Now where is the alien? Wow, you guys are good. The alien's right here in the living room. Ha! You missed 'em. Bart and our alien friend are hundreds of miles away by now. What do you weigh? Like a million pounds? More of meto love. After them! The South shall rise again. We can fly over them with the power of love, right? Hmm... we could, or... You killed them. Well done, Columbo. That's right. We watch Columbo. It's on during rain-outs of gleep-glop games. I'm just gonna take off now. I'm sure you have a lot of calls to make. Foolish biped. It's not a phone. It's a space portal. Our shock troops will teleportin and eat everyone's heads, all thanks to you. What did I miss? Hop in, Bart. They're gonna let us kill one! Bart... friend? Homer... bored! I can't believe that an alien who looked so evil turned out to be bad. Hmm. I guess you should judge a book by its cover. Definitely, especially if you count the inside flap as part of the cover. It usually gives you a great idea of what the book's about. Quiet. We're missing the dissection! Actually, I'm still alive, so technically, it's vivisection. No one likes a know-it-all. You see, the problem is we've grown apart. The problem is you don't share my interest in not being with you. Another thing: I don't know where you go at night. Greetings, 241. Why does he always bring up my weight? I want you to eliminate this reporter, Kent Brockman. He found the gully where I dump electricity every summer to jack up prices. Don't worry, sir. I'll handle this cleanly, quietly and... Bart! What? Marge, I'm gonna be home late tonight. I'm going to, uh... Midnight Monkey Madness at the zoo. Well, I won't be home, either. I'm, um... flipping over wheelbarrows in case it rains. Have funat your crazy-sounding thing. And you have fun at your preposterous event. Love ya. Love ya. And that was my drink. Ninth floor. Assassin's perch. Now all I have to do is think of a clever line before I pull the trigger. Oh, that's a perfect one. But I don't need to say it out loud 'cause I'm by myself. Out of my way, mystery skank! Hey! Now I don't get paid! Hey, baby, hello. Now I'm mad! Now I'm... Marge is a professional assassin! You just can't get Russian gangster blood out. Must be something they eat. Hey, what's that? A blender cozy. How was your Midnight Monkey Madness? Great, great. I turned over so many wheelbarrows... Wait. That was your thing. Homie, I made you my killer lasagna. It's poison! Whatever you do, don't eat it. Okay, you' already eating it, but don't finish it. Okay, you finished it, but don't ask for... Seconds, please. You moron! Just kill her! I'll kill her after dessert! You're a killer for hire! You ruined that pie! How could you not tell me you were an assassin? How could you not tell me? I told you 20 times! You never listen! Well, they're not as pretty as you, Marge. Listen, I... Oh! Okay, here's the deal. I'll do the killing for hire, and you stay home with the kids. I get $50,000 a hit. How much do you make? I just get to keep whatever's in the guy's wallet. All those nights I thought you were out getting drunk, you were out killing people?! I was out getting drunk, then killing people! Stop it! That's my favorite couch! Why do you think I'm kicking it? Are you guys fighting over us? Whatever we did, we're sorry. Sweeties... We weren't fighting. It sounded like you were. Who wants ice cream in bed? Ice cream! Ice cream! Dad's the best! Great! Now they're going to have tummy aches tomorrow. And where will "Super Dad" be then? At your funeral. We got a complaint from an anonymous "neighborino" about an elaborately choreographed, high-octane, ultra-fight. I would have taken a bribe. Oh, that was so hot! I love watching you do other guys! Mmm, I'd like to see you do a guy sometime. That can be arranged. Oh, what a wonderful night. ...so, killing people together has really spiced things up in the bedroom. That's terrific, but I called you here to discuss your son's misbehavior on the school bus. Think of me on Pizza Fridays. Trick or treat! Beat it, weirdoes! I don't do Halloween! You're supposed to give us candy. I got your candy right here. Weirdoes! She empty-bagged us! What do we do now? Hear me out. It seems to me we gave her a choice: trick or treat. She didn't give us a treat, so... Bart, where are you heading with this? "Trick or Treat" isn't just some phrase you chant mindlessly like The Lord's Prayer. It's an oral contract! You're right. We've forgotten the old ways. The ways of rotten eggs and soaped-up windows. I say we trick her! Trick her good! Yay! May I remind you that I'm your principal's mother?! I hope the next people don't give us anything so we can trick them too! Why give 'em a choice? That trick was sweeter than any treat we'll get tonight. I'm concerned we might be heading down a slippery slope. What do you think, Nelson? Can't talk. Lighting poo. Hey ho, let's go! Hey ho, let's go! Hey ho, let's go! Hey ho, let's go! They're forming in straight line. They're going through a tight wind. The kids are losing their minds. The blitzkrieg bop. Hey ho, let's go! Excuse me, but this is not good! Oh, lighten up. It's Halloween. A night for mischief and merriment. Trick-or-treat! Lick my feet! ! taem ttub-gip ekilsllems daeh ruoY Those monsters must be stopped! Perhaps, I can be of some assistance. I've got something that will scare the H-E-double sippy straws out of them. Hold still! How is this a prank? Give me back my TV! I fed your fish. You overfed them! You're the worst one of all! Whoa! They turned the church into a haunted house! "Scaredy cats not wanted"? Then I am wanted! Welcome to Heck House! You're about to discover what a life of sin will get you! Sin gets us something? Awesome! I was just in it for the sin. Just get in there! Welcome to eternal darnation! May I have a clean American newspaper, please, no "Doonesbury"? Wouldn't you rather have a bikini magazine? I guess a little peek won't hurt me. No! He died as he lived--like a dork. No! The lesson here is he's being punished for thinking women are beautiful! Please, Lord, grant me the power to psychologically torture them into loving you. Behold, the las-diddily-ast room of Ned Flanders's Hell House! I warned ya. And yet my punishment is no less severe. That's odd. Springfield is rife with the seven deadly sins! Starting with... gluttony! I want more bread, please. Anger! Why won't you work, you stupid piece of junk?! I said, why won't you work?! Pride! Oh, why did I take pride in my child's accomplishments? Sloth! I thought I was killed by that magic spaghetti! And the rest! Lust! Greed! And envy! Oh, how I envy the crotchless. And this is where sinners spend all of eternity! This is what you get for stealing jokes?! I keep telling you: I'm Hindu! I regret... nothing. Stop licking my junk! It's my junk, too! We'll never do any of those sins again... I promise! All we'll do from now on is pray and fight in wars. Well, then, my work here is done. That concludes our Halloween show for this year. I just want to say that for watching this network, you're all going to hell! And that includes FX, Fox Sports, and our newest Devil's portal, The Wall Street Journal. Welcome to the club!