Treehouse of Horror XIV

Good grief. This candy's terrible!

Circus peanuts, raisins, nicotine gum, a library card?

You got all the good stuff.

And yet I'm still not satisfied.

(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)

You thieving hussy!

(CHOKING)

Ow!

(EXCLAIMS IN SHOCK)

You kids have got to learn that actions have consequences!

(GRUNTING)

Eat fire, punks!

(Kids) Whoa! What the...

I'm still cold.

Will everyone please stop fighting and burning?

Never!

(SCREAMING)

Beat the lumps.

Bart: Hey!

Beat the lumps. Beat the lumps.

Bart: Ay, caramba!

Homie, I disagree with your approach to the children.

(GRUNTING)

(GUNSHOT)

(HOMER SCREAMS)

(MARGE COCKS GUN)

(GUNSHOT) HOMER: D'oh!

Pathetic humans.

They're showing a Halloween episode.

In November!

Who's still thinking about Halloween?

We've already got our Christmas decorations up.

Both: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINISTER TUNE PLAYING)

(BANGING ON DOOR)

I am Death.

Death? We don't want any.

I have come for Bart Simpson.

Bart, run like the (MISPRONOUNCING) wind!

Mom, it's "wind."

Well, I've only read it in books.

(UPBEAT TUNE PLAYING)

Oh! Why you little...

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Please don't take me. Take Milhouse.

We all know there's no happy ending there.

Your time is up.

This is for Snowball I and JFK!

Ow!

Cool.

Dad, do you realize what you've done?

You've created a world without death.

Does this mean they'll never cancel the Jim Belushi Show?

I guess so.

(SCREAMING) No!

Lisa: A world without death.

(GUNSHOTS)

(GROANING)

Frankie the Squealer, why won't you die?

Ugh! If I knew, I'd tell you, I swear.

I'd better call my wife, tell her I'll be late.

(SIGHING)

If I knew this would take so long, I would've put on a TV.

Pizza!

Your money's on the counter. No tip.

Oh, you miserable b*st*rd!

That's why I'm up here.

Death, Death, we miss you so much.

You were a busboy in the restaurant of life clearing away the oldies, and the sickies, and the chokies.

And you made NASCAR racing exciting.

Homer, it's trash day. Will you just take him out to the curb?

I'll curb him...

Without enthusiasm.

Ooh!

This robe's pretty soft.

Check it out! I finally found a dead guy's clothes that fit me!

(ALL SCREAM)

What? It's not... (YELLS) My hand! What's happening?

Dad, you've become the new Grim Reaper.

No way! Forget it!

I might occasionally kill out of anger or to illustrate a point.

But I am not a Grim Reaper!

Ow! Ow!

I'll reap! I'll reap already!

(IN SPOOKY TONE) Jasper, your time has come!

Where's the regular guy? Where's Doug?

Never mind. I'm Death now.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

I liked Doug.

(GAGS)

"My Dad's Job."

"My dad's job takes him to all parts of the community."

"He performs a valuable service but is often misunderstood"

"like a vulture or the flesh-eating maggot."

Would anyone like to see Mr. Simpson harvest a soul?

Yeah! I would!

You said something about a hot meal?

(CLEARING THROAT)

(THUDDING)

(Children) Yeah!

Oh, man. These seats suck.

Leave everything to me.

Pardon me, comin' through, rest in peace, you're dead, take a dirt nap, feed the worms.

(HOMER EXCLAIMING PLAYFULLY)

Oh!

Hmm.

Dad, were all those people on the list?

I don't know.

Okay. Who am I giving the finger to today?

(GASPS)

Not this! Anything but this!

Uh...

What was that first one again?

Oh!

(MARGE SCREAMING)

(SCYTHE SLASHING)

(SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, God.

I bumped off the love of my life according to your divine whim.

Now release me from this ghastly vocation.

(Male Voice) No!

Come on!

All right.

Woo-hoo!

Hey, wait a minute.

This isn't Marge.

This is her fat sister, Selma.

It's Patty, chump! (LAUGHING)

(Male Voice) Doggone it. I am too old and too rich for this.

Thanks for not killing me, Homie.

Here's an extra pork chop.

(LAUGHING)

I'm gonna not kill you every week.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SINISTER TUNE PLAYING)

(RINGING)

Y'ello?

Sir, I'm honored to inform you that you've won the Nobel Prize.

The Nobel Prize?

Finally!

So, it's for what? My whole deal?

This is Professor John Frink, isn't it?

If I say no, do I still win?

I'll tell Professor Frink he's won.

(SPEAKING SWEDISH)

(IN EXAGGERATED SWEDISH ACCENT)

Great glayvin in a glass!

The Nobel Prize!

They must've awarded it to me for my invention of a hammer with a screwdriver on the other end.

It's mildly convenient.

Just for that?

It was a slow year, yes.

I only wish my dear father were here to see me win.

Is there a problem with your father?

Well, our relationship was never great.

Mother used to say we got along like positrons and anti-neutrinos.

(LAUGHING) Yes. I'm a geek.

I was always a disappointment to him.

You see, he was one of those he-man scientists who worked on the atom bomb by day, and slept with Marilyn Monroe by night, and sold secrets to the Russians at lunch.

The last time I saw him alive, he was going to study sharks.

I don't want to go on this oceanographic expedition, Father.

I get seasick taking a shower.

Clean but nauseous.

"Clean but nauseous." With the rolling and the heaving and the you make me sick!

You've disgraced the name of John Nerdlebaum Frink.

But, Father, I...

(SOBBING)

We never spoke again.

Well, where is he now?

Maybe I can help you two patch up your differences.

Uh... You'll need to patch up more than that.

Whoa! Did a shark do that?

Yes. He was testing out a new blood-based suntan lotion.

You know, now that I have my hammer-screwdriver, I could reanimate him without the needless switching of tools.

That's always tedious and annoying.

(CRACKLING)

I'm alive! With the breathing and the tingling and the...

What's this radiator where my pupik should be?

Oh! Papa, you're back!

Now we had to replace several vital organs with machinery.

But that doesn't make you any less of a man.

Except you have no pen1s.

In the traditional sense.

So what am I? Some kind of a tin can man from Planet Tomorrow?

Sir, your son has brought you into the 21 st century.

It's a lot like the 20th except everybody's afraid, and the stock market is much lower.

Polly don't like that cracker.

I'm getting me a real spleen and then I'm gonna vent it on you, boychik.

Oi! Shoving.

It almost sounded like he plans to tear organs out of living people.

Well, that's my dad.

(LAUGHS) You can't stop him.

(HUMMING)

Hey, 700 Club.

You look like a healthy specimen.

Well, I did finish first in the Walk for the Cure of homosexuality.

Say "ah," baby.

Ah... (GAGGING)

I'm dying!

And there's heaven. But who's that?

Confucius?

And Milton Berle?

Boy, have I been barking up the wrong tree.

(HUMMING)

Nice posture.

Oh, thank you. Mother always said a curvy spine is the devil's roller coaster.

Hey! You can't have that!

(SCREAMS)

Lost your spine, huh?

You just keep finding new ways to disappoint me.

(STAYIN' ALIVE INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)

There you are!

Have you stopped to think about who you're hurting with this rampage?

The people I've killed?

No! Your son!

On the biggest day of his life when he accepts the Nobel Prize, you're not gonna be there!

Oh, dear God!

I've let my organ lust come between me and my son.

(WEEPING)

Well, it's not too late. You can still fly to Stockholm.

Well, it better be first class.

Comic Book Guy's ass won't fit in coach.

You may keep my posterior.

Just please return the "Jabba the Butt" tattoo.

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

Announcer: He explored the behavior of individual molecules in a chemical reaction.

She's the sexy star of Alias.

Please welcome Nobel laureate Dr. Dudley Herschbach and Emmy nominee Jennifer Garner.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

She blinded me with science.

You know, Dr. Herschbach, our jobs are actually not that different.

I disagree.

Winner of the Nobel Prize in physics.

Professor John Frink.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you. This is a tremendous honor.

However, I can't help being somewhat disheartened that my father has become a marauding ghoul.

Not anymore, Son! (LAUGHS)

(ALL GASP)

I'm here to accept the Nobel Prize for stupid.

Can you forgive me?

Well, good glayvin, Dad.

You've made receiving the Nobel Prize the happiest day of my life.

Oh, the hug is good.

This is what the Nobel Prize is all about.

The science, and the love, and that physics we call quantum.

Ain't that right, people?

(ALL CHEERING)

What a great crowd. You all have such big hearts...

And such big brains with large, juicy, dripping-with-knowledge heads!

(ALL GASP)

That's it! I'm going smorgasbord on these Poindexters!

(ALL EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

And I thought Halle Berry went nuts during her acceptance speech.

I wish I was Death again.

That was cool.

Every brain unlocks more secrets of the universe.

Muffins are surprisingly high in calories.

The pyramids were actually built by Sears.

He's right! It all checks out!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

This is more violent than the hip-hop awards.

You've gotta stop your father!

Yes, but how?

He's 63 years old, pressure points here and here, room temperature is 22 degrees Celsius.

Yes, this should just about do it.

Ball sack'n!

(GROANS)

Oh, Father. You're dying again.

But I can bring you back to life, sir.

Son, it doesn't take five brains in your head to know that's a bad idea.

You saw I'd become a monster and you stopped me like a man.

I'm proud of you.

And now it's time for me to go to hell.

Ow! Ooh!

Ooh! Ah! Oy!

Oy! Ooh! Ow!

Dead.

(SOBBING)

This is most exciting Nobel Prize ceremony ever.

I disagree.

It must be tough to win the Nobel Prize and lose your father on the same day.

Oh, I didn't really lose my father.

Thanks to my latest invention, the soul catcher.

Let's bring it out and look at it.

I may be a soul, but I'm hungry.

Can you throw in a little matzo?

Maybe a nice piece of fish.

Why, of course, Father. Allow me to satisfy your Hebraic desires.

That's a good shmendele.

Oh, I've waited so long to hear you say that.

What does it mean? Is it dirty?

(TICKING)

(SINISTER TUNE PLAYING)

Oh! Baby, did I find something to throw out today.

If you like space in the attic, are you gonna be happy.

Cool. Comics from the '70s.

Bart: "Superman versus Patty Hearst."

"Evel Knievel Jumps the Jackson Five."

"Batman and Rhoda."

Check out these ads!

Let's see. X-ray gum.

(GASPS) Cool! Milhouse, do you have your change purse?

(Milhouse) Always!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Here you go, son.

"To stop time, click watch."

Wow! She looks like a background character in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon!

"To restart time, click watch again."

What the...

Lisa, that's a filthy habit.

(LAUGHING)

If we're both touching the watch, neither of us will be affected.

Do you realize what this means?

Yeah, but you say it first.

We can do anything we want!

Let's get really far ahead on our homework!

Wait till the other kids see we're already on the red unit of "Adventures in Reading!"

(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)

Due to budget cuts, music class will now have a two-drink minimum.

Cranapple juice only counts as one and...

(GASPS)

My slacks. They've descended.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

Huh?

What the... Hmm.

D'oh!

D'oh! D'oh!

I can't go on.

(SOBBING)

(WAILING LOUDLY)

Ha...

Huh?

(LAUGHING)

(CLOCK TICKING)

(CLICK)

People, Springfield is in crisis.

Fingers have been shoved up noses, pants have been pulled down, and Mayors have been repeatedly humiliated.

Damn it!

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

I thought our mysterious pranksters might be here tonight.

So I covered the meeting hall with ultraviolet powder.

Behold the perpetrators!

(ALL GASPING)

It was those guys!

Come! Let us kill them before learning of the magical secret which they possess!

(Men) Get them!

(BART SCREAMING)

(ALL YELLING ANGRILY)

Oh! That was close.

Bart, look at the watch!

Milhouse, we broke the watch! Do you realize what this means?

Yeah, but you say it first.

(CLICKING REPEATEDLY)

Oh, man. Things are stuck like this forever.

Well, I couldn't be happier.

I'm the second coolest kid on earth!

(GRUNTING EXCITEDLY)

Actually, I guess we can do anything we want and no one will stop us!

I'm gonna play naked basketball!

No, you're not.

Family looks good.

Thanks. I just washed 'em.

That keeps happening!

Can I punch Oscar de la Hoya for a while?

Just keep it above the belt.

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

You know, Milhouse? I thought I'd love eating only frosting and giving the pope a wedgie.

But I miss being a regular kid in the real world.

Getting a hug from my mom.

Yeah. I thought I'd be happy with my parents back together.

But it's kinda hollow.

All right. It says here we can learn watch repair in eight one-hour lessons.

Boy, that took forever.

Yeah. Well, I work better in a structured environment.

Here goes nothing.

Wait, when people see all the stuff we did, they're gonna kill us.

Yeah!

And I can't run too fast after 15 years of eating nothing but gummy worms!

I'm gonna quit tomorrow. I swear.

What we need is a scapegoat.

Okay. Acting natural, and...

(ALL CONTINUE YELLING)

To repeat what I said a moment ago, you are so dead!

Dios mio, this kid is fun to hit!

(BOTH WHISTLING NONCHALANTLY)

Marge: Hmm.

Why is Bart so tall and shaggy?

Just one of life's mysteries.

Like why is my nose jammed full of army men?

Oh, come on! Don't you get it?

Bart stopped time with his magic stopwatch!

Jealous much?

Why can't I tinker with the fabric of existence?

Let the baby have her bottle.

Hmm. What happens if I press this button?

(HOMER YELPS)

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

(CLICKING)

(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)

Okay, that's good. Stop there.

...glad rags on and join me hon'

We'll have some fun when the clock strikes one.

We're gonna rock around the clock tonight (THEME PLAYING IN SINISTER TUNE)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

(THEME PLAYED IN SINISTER TUNE)