Wizards vs. Werewolves

Why do we have to eat this whole sandwich before we kiss? I saw it in a movie. I thought it'd be romantic, the moment our lips touch in the middle. Yeah, all filled with meat and lettuce and tomato. Oh, you're right. That's nasty. I'm gonna leave the romantic moments up to you. Harper! Why didn't you talk me out of this idea? Sometimes when I try to talk you out of something, You just dig your heels in even more. You're right, I do do that. You should stop trying to talk me out of stuff. Alex, it's all right. How's this for a romantic moment? Oh, my gosh. Mason! Oh, my gosh, Mason! It glows? Yes. Quite unusual, really. It runs on batteries. I love it. They're kissing! Hi, Mason! I didn't know you two were in the middle of a date. Yes, you did, mom. You're the one who gave me your headboard to make this fancy screen. Well, listen, I'm sorry, but we need the tables for the evening rush. Your father handed out fliers without the word "imitation" in front of "ham". - It's evening? - Yes. Although most people would have keyed off the fact that we use fake meat here. Oh, boy, it's getting late. I better get going. But, you just got here. I lost track of time. In your eyes. Oh, I see what you're doing there. I like it anyway. Wait! Mason. Mom! Why don't you two continue your date tomorrow? A family dinner. - What time do you eat? - We like to eat early. It gives us time for the food to settle before we fight over what to watch on tv. Great. Thank you. Goodbye! - Oh, wait, your backpack. - I'll get it tomorrow. What are you doing? Well, he sure was in a hurry to get out of here. Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I hope the dinner invite didn't make him feel uncomfortable. No, no, that's ok. I'm glad he's coming to dinner. I mean, once he sees how messed up all of you are, he'll realize what a miracle I am. Are you sure that wasn't Juliet? 'Cause it looked a lot like her. No, it didn't. It was a giant squid. I'm not too good at remembering faces. And if you're so sure it wasn't her, then why'd you hug it for so long? It wasn't a hug! It was strangling me. I don't know who's a bigger idiot. The guy who told you mummies hide their minions in underwater sea caves, - or me for believing you! - Don't leave me out of the idiot contest. I don't think I'll ever get Juliet back. All I've got left of her is This dental floss. I can picture her flossing her fangs right now. Snap! Snap! Look, Justin, you're gonna find her. All right? Not 'cause you're a monster hunter, 'cause you're my brother. What makes you think I'm gonna find her? Because in the ten years that I've known you I've never seen you give up on anything. You sure do have your moments of wisdom, don't you, Max? You've known me longer than ten years. Yeah, I wasn't really paying attention in the beginning, though. Alex told me you were our butler. Seriously, Alex bowled a 17. And one time, she didn't even bowl in the right direction. I was trying to knock down the people in the snack bar line. It was too long. How about another piece of chicken, Mason? Oh, thank you. I would love another piece. This chicken is much better than the ones I catch. You catch chickens? Yes. At the grocery store. In England we say "catch" like Americans say "shop". "Toodle-oo, I'm off to go Catching. " British people are so cute. I wish Americans came from England. Don't lose hope. I'll find you, my love. He's making a mashed potato girlfriend out of my leftovers. Make him stop! Justin, she's beautiful. Hey! That's There you go, Mr. Russo. Take a bite out of her head for me. Yeah. Mason, the heart you gave Alex is beautiful. Yeah. Hey, where'd you get it? Theresa loves that kind of junk. Junk? I didn't say junk. I know why you called it junk, because it's never quite as beautiful as the ladies we buy it for. - Wouldn't you agree? - Yes. It's never quite as beautiful. Eat your chicken, chicken. Ahem. Excuse me. Mason? Did you say "ladies"? Who are all these ladies you're buying jewelry for? I was just making conversation to cover your father's faux pas. Harper? "Faux pas", French for "foot in the mouth". Oh, my! It's getting dark. I'm afraid I'm late. Wait, wait! Late for what? I just have to go. Thank you for the splendid dinner, Mr. and Mrs. Russo. Bye, love! I'll see you tomorrow. Okay. I know what you're all thinking. That every time he's here he suddenly leaves without a good explanation. And now he says he buys a lot of jewelry. So this could only mean one thing. He's got another girlfriend. Thanks a lot, Harper. I was just gonna say he was an international jewel thief with the feds on his tail, but yours is probably closer. Lost vampire. Blonde, cute fangs, likes nose kisses, answers to Juliet or shnoogly-boo-boo mccuteykins. Justin, can't stand to see you like this, so I went down to the wiz-mart and hung around the bandage section. To listen to clues from other mummies who come to buy new bandages. Very clever, Max. Who's the kid? Well, no mummies came by, but I did find something that's just as useful. Go ahead, kid, tell him what you told me. I've lost me mummy. All we gotta do is find his mummy, which could lead us to our mummy. He's an english wizard! It sounds like "mummy" but he means "mommy". That doesn't make any sense. Just step back. Come on, kid, why don't we, take you on home and find your mommy? Okay? And please don't press charges, by the way. I'll get you a lollipop. You like lollipops? Thank you. We're so lucky that we found each other, aren't we? Lucky? I prefer to call it destiny. You know, some guys, or girls, have to keep dating around, sometimes even behind the other person's back Just because they're too dumb to see that the right girl, or guy, is sitting right in front of them. Well, I feel very sorry for those people. Do you? That's interesting. This is a delicious shake. What's your secret? Why don't you tell me yours first? I beg your pardon? Nothing, nothing. Nothing. You know, I was just thinking that maybe we should go to the movies tonight. There's this new coming-of-age horror film Entitled I know what you did last night, and you're not fooling me at all, you dirty cheater. That's a rather long title for a movie. Well, it's a sequel. Sequel titles are always longer. The first one was called what's her name, dirty cheater? I'd love to, but I can't. I gotta go! Wait! There you go leaving again. Why are you always in such a hurry? I'm sorry. - Please don't be angry with me. - I'm not. I just want to know why you're always leaving so suddenly. - I mean, is there something that I should know? - No! I just have to go. Aha! Not so fast, you two-timing Brit! - Who is she? - What? Let me go! Harper, what are you doing? The plan was to follow him, not to wrestle him. I know, but I ran a lot in gym today, so I'm tired. I just wanted to get to it. Alex, please, go away. I'm sorry, Mason, but Harper thinks that you're seeing another girl. - Please tell her that she's wrong. - Just go away, please! So this is a painful question for you. Get out of here! Sorry. Sometimes I go full wolf when I don't need to. I don't think he has another girlfriend. Maybe another dog. There are people around! Sorry, I can't help it. Now, based on the fact neither of you ran off, I'd say you also have a secret. What are you, an elf? A wizard? A genie? Or just desperate? - I'm a wizard. - And I'm not. And right now I'm kind of glad. I knew there was something about you. I apologize for rushing off all the time, but now you can see what the moon does to me. Your necklace is still glowing. So? Must be the batteries. No, I lied. It's not battery operated. It's a magic necklace. It only glows when you're in love with the person who put it on you. Oh, well, then I guess it works. And very convenient, too, because now I don't have to tell you, which is something I'm not really good at. Usually when girls find out I'm a werewolf, they run off, which can only be taken as a breakup. Well, does this look like I'm running off? It's so freaky and romantic at the same time. So, the first time I turned, I was in London stuck behind a lorry at Piccadilly Circus as the moon rose What? "Piccadilly!" It's a funny word. Listen to it. Piccadilly! Sorry, Mason. Continue. What can I do but dash into a building, where I found myself in the middle of a dog competition. I jumped through hoops, walked in circles, and accidentally won best in show. You'd be best in any show. Well, Mason, you seem like a fine young man-wolf who respects and cares for Alex. And if you don't, I'll hunt you down like a dog and Well, you get the picture. I won't forget that, sir. Does he like me? I'm just so happy that Alex is happy. In fact, I'm gonna make you guys matching dog hair vests. I've got this cousin in Albany who's a dog groomer. He can send me what I need, so Hey! Hey, guys, check it out. Mason's a werewolf. Oh, my gosh, that's awesome! Now I'm not gonna be the only one who likes to eat out of a bowl on the floor. Okay, Justin, take your best shot. You can pay me back for all the times I've bagged on all your wizard world girlfriends. Remember? That one time I asked if I could ride your centaur girlfriend to school? Alex, I'm happy that you found happiness in a relationship, no matter what species he is. What's important is that you're with someone. Max and I have looked everywhere for Juliet and I can't find her. I've lost her forever to the mummy. I think it's time for me to give up. Wait! Justin. I want you to be happy like I am with Mason. There's gotta be something that we can do. You know, as a werewolf I have keen dog-sniffing abilities. If I can have a sample of her scent, I might be able to track the target. No, Mason. We need to find Justin's girlfriend, not a girl named target. I have some of her dental floss, right here! - Check that out. - Let me have a sniff. Get a good whiff, get a good sniff. Get a good scent and sniff it up, you sniffy - Okay, I've got it! - Sorry. Now go get my shnoogly-boo-boo mccuteykins. Alex, thank you for not letting me give up on Juliet. Feels good to have hope again. You know, ever since I met Mason, stuff like hope doesn't actually annoy me anymore. By that how I think he's got the scent. Let's go! It's not fair. How come he gets to pee on every tree we pass and you slap me when I did it? That's better. Hey, I've been meaning to ask you something. I thought when a werewolf kisses a non-werewolf They turn into a werewolf. That's only with mutts. I'm a purebred. Did you hear that, Justin? My boyfriend's a purebred. Juliet! Juliet! Are you sure we're in the right place? Hard to confuse vampire breath with another scent. The young fool has finally come. The mummy! Whatever you guys do, do not look into his eyes or else he'll shoot these red beams and turn you into his minion. Thank you for that, Mr. Over-explainer. Only an idiot would look into the mummy's eyes. Hey, mummy, I think your kid's looking for you. We've come for Juliet! I know. Your undying love for Juliet made me expect your arrival. Really? Actually, no. It was Juliet's constant yammering. "My boyfriend's gonna come for me!" "My boyfriend's coming for me. " Dude, that's actually a really good impression. Release Juliet so she can be with Justin, and we can all get back to doing the boyfriend/ girlfriend thing. Juliet? Someone's here to see you! Juliet! What did you do to my beautiful sweet vampire girlfriend? It's a way to keep her frozen until I need her to do stuff for me. Oh, man! These are my church shoes. Perfect. Hey, give me that! That's not a shoe scraper. This scarab beetle is the key to reanimating the girl in the hieroglyph. I talk too much. Forget what I just said! I need to clean my shoes with something. Oh, how about this? This'll work. Hey! Cut it out! - Hand me the bandage! - Good thinking, Max! No! That's not fair! Oh, this is not good. How does this work? Here, try this. - Justin. - Juliet! You found me! I promised you I would. Mason, we just had a victory. Pick me up and spin me around like Justin did with her. You're looking at me and I'm not turning into a minion. Or am I? No, I don't know what a minion is. Mason. Thanks. I owe you one. Mason? Hello, Juliet. It's been a long time. Well, yeah. 300 years. You haven't changed. Actually, I change all the time, remember? Oh, my gosh, yeah. Ready? Fetch! Fetch, boy. Fetch! Go on! Yeah, go get the ball. Go, go, go! Good job! What's going on? Do Do you guys know each other? Yeah. We used to go out. Juliet was my girlfriend. Wait a minute. So your girlfriend and my boyfriend - used to be boyfriend and - Girlfriend. That would explain why she's scratching him behind the ear. Oh, Mason! Hey, guys, check it out! You are now under my power. Go make me some waffles! It's a bad time. Oh, my gosh! I let you help me find my girlfriend, who used to be your girlfriend? That thank you I said earlier? I cancel that. Thank you very much. Wait. I cancel that, too. Mason, you haven't stopped staring at Juliet since we found her. Juliet, I didn't know we were looking for you. I never stopped loving you! Oh, my gosh! - What are you doing? - I don't know! Can't you see how I feel about you? Alex, I'm sorry. Something just came over me. I never want to see you again. Dude, I don't know what you just did, but she seems pretty hurt. I'm gonna let it slide, so you and I are still good. No! Justin, please, let me explain this. There's nothing to explain. You broke Alex's heart. He's not cool with any of us. I figured. I tried, but it was pretty hard to totally misread the situation. Look, Juliet, I haven't known you for 300 years, but I knew that I loved you in an instant. We have something special, and if you can't feel it, then I'll never be able to convince you. No. No, Justin, it's you! You're the one I'm in love with. Thank you! Thank you. I thought you'd picked the hairier guy. I'm sorry, Mason. I loved you once, but that was a long time ago. Like, before the United States of America, a long time ago. Looks like my true love is Justin. You even know how to let a guy down sweetly. But please don't ever do that to me. Oh, I have missed you and your cute little insecurities. I'm so insecure! Listen, Mason, I've always wanted to hang out with a werewolf, but I think my brother and sister are gonna flash me out of here. So let's make a plan to meet up at Alex, honey? Open the door. Open the door. I said open the door, not flash me in. I hate that. Oh, my sweetie! Oh, I know how much it hurts when your heart gets broken. But time will heal it. And on the bright side, we're all really happy to see you have feelings. Mason told Juliet that he loved her. Right in front of me. Listen, you're gonna fall in love so many times before you find the one you'll be with forever. So think of it this way. You're just one broken heart closer to happily ever after. Mom, that's just fairy tale talk. I know. But my parenting guide doesn't have a chapter on what to do when your wizard daughter's werewolf boyfriend has been in love sometimes hugs work. And sometimes they don't. Come on, Mija. Harper, Jerry, I brought Alex out here because I thought you guys might, you know, have some advice - to help cheer her up. - Just do what I do. Just push your feelings down and hide them until they come out to complete strangers. Hey, you! I'm gonna go back into the lair. No, no, no, no! Honey, wait. I know how to cheer you up. See that guy out there? He ordered cola, but I am gonna serve him prune juice. Come on! One cola. Was that great or what?! Oh, and now I'm losing a customer. You love it when I lose customers. There he goes! Oh, that poor man! What did he ever do to you, dad? Your heart must really be broken. Honey. Mason! Man, I knew you'd come back to hang out with me. You're loyal. You're just like a dog, like a were-dog. Yeah, I came to talk to Alex. Talk to Alex? That's crazy. It's like a fox, like a were-fox. - Where's Alex? - Re-Alex. Alex. Oh, my goodness! Mason, I don't think Alex wants to see you. And not to gloat, but I know Juliet doesn't. I came to fix things. Make him write down what he wants to say to her. That accent gives him a totally unfair advantage. Alex, I didn't mean what I said earlier. I was in shock from seeing Juliet, but I want to be with you. - Really? - Yes, I do. Look, Mason I've been in shock before, too. Like when I accidentally made my brother disappear. Or I accidentally made my parents not know who I was. Or I accidentally got trapped in a horror film. - Or I accidentally - Honey, we know. You've messed up a lot. Yes. And still, I've never accidentally told someone I loved them when I didn't. Alex, I know it's hard to believe, - but if you let me explain - I think you've said enough. It's time for you to go, Mason. Yes, sir. I'll be on my way, then. And I'll regret my mistake for the rest of my life. Oh, that accent makes it really hard to hold a grudge! What is wrong with you people? That was our one chance to finally have a werewolf in the family and you're all blowing it. Now I'm never gonna have werewolf thanksgiving, and I'll never know what it's like to have fur stuffing. It took everything I had not to take him back. I'm just gonna go. She's hurting. Just like I was when Gary Hollingshead came crawling back. Lucky for me my first grade reading group made sure someone was always by my side at recess. Exactly! That's why we should all take turns on Alex watch to keep her from running back to Mason. That's a good idea. Might as well make it official. I'll do the schedule. Juliet and I will take the first shift. I'm sorry, but doubling up on shifts is against the rules. I thought it would be a good idea, since I haven't seen my girlfriend in, like, forever. In case you forgot, she was enslaved by a mummy! Yeah, well, you thought wrong. Excuse me, do you sell any dog hair? I'm gonna stick it all over me and make myself a werewolf. I get it, you're gonna go check in the back. All right, thanks, buddy. Yo, Mason, what's up? Where you going? Listen, Max, it's probably not a good idea that we hang out anymore. I'm missing your sister a lot, and when I see you I think of her. Wait, hold on a minute. I'm deciding if I should be offended or not. No, I'm good. Mason, you can't just give up like that, man. I mean, you and Alex should be together. And I think you should make it happen by werewolf thanksgiving. Werewolf thanksgiving? Yeah, I kinda told all my wizard friends I was going to your house. Because you guys eat pilgrims. I don't know if Alex will ever understand this, but werewolves are very loyal. The problem is we're also impulsive, and that's why seeing Juliet made me say things I didn't even mean. And now that you mention it, I'm craving pilgrims! Well, I think you should explain that to Alex. Not the pilgrim part, 'cause that's gonna feel like history to her, she's gonna tune out. But, like, the impulsive thing, that's definitely worth mentioning. Yeah. I haven't been able to talk to her alone. She's upstairs. She's either crashed out on the couch or she's doing homework. Oh, man, I'm sorry! No, she's crashed out on the couch. The door's locked. Oh, wait, I have a key! It's inside, I'll go get it. Oh, wait, I know, I have a key. It's inside. I'll go get it. And now we return to I'm in love with a teen werewolf. You're gonna watch a werewolf movie? Not a good idea. Oh, hey, look, this is the funny part when all the angry villagers surround the werewolf and then they destroy him! I wonder where you can get torches like that. We need a different distraction. Alex, look who I brought, your werewolf boyfriend. My gosh, Mason! Max! How could you do this? Well, let me tell you, it wasn't easy finding the key to the door I never use 'cause it was inside when we needed it, that's how. Alex, I'm over Juliet, you've got to believe me. Well, I don't. Just because she didn't want you, Mason, I'm your second choice. Things are going well on my shift. Listen to me, Alex, I can prove it. All we have to do is go back to Transylvania and find the true love necklace. If you put it on me and it glows, then you'll know how I truly feel about you. No, I'm never going back there. - You can go get it. - No! You have to go with me, because that's where it all went bad, and that's where I'm gonna make it all go good. Okay. I have to know the truth. Let's go. No, you can't go! Alex watch was my idea. And now you need another idea on how to cover for me. Thank you. You're a good friend. You were on Alex watch? Way to watch her leave. Oh, no, this isn't good! What am I gonna do when Mr. Russo shows up for his shift? Hey, Harper! I'm ready for my Alex watch. Where is she? See you in p. E. ! No. Wait! Wait! Where's Alex? Okay, then, well, where is she? I don't know. Harper's the one that let her get away. - I know where Alex went. - Where? All right, well, we all understand this wasn't my shift, - So I can't get in trouble, right? - Yes. She went with Mason back to Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. The keystone state. Are you sure he didn't say Transylvania? I don't know. Say "Pennsylvania" with a British accent. Transylvania. That is it. Okay, come on! We'll pick up Juliet along the way. Shouldn't she be picking us up? She's the one with wings. The necklace has gotta be here somewhere. Maybe if I throw this dirt clod like I threw the necklace, we'll be able to see where the necklace went. Why did you do that? Because I missed you with the necklace the first time. Hey! There you are. How did you guys find us? Don't tell her it was me. Mason! It's good to see you, buddy. Yeah, you too. I wish you were cool with me like your little brother. That's where you're right. You and I are not cool. - Now back away from my sister. - Justin, it's ok. He's gonna prove his feelings for me with the true love necklace. As long as you guys are here, can you help look for it? Yeah, I'll help you find it. It's weird, I love things that glow. I'm like a moth, like a were-moth. Listen, ringo, you gotta stop toying with my sister's feelings, because the last time we were together, you were messing with my girlfriend. Not that I'd want you to do that again. I'd rather you mess with my sister rather than my girlfriend Let me take this again. Listen, ringo Okay, his point is you need to leave all of us alone. Exactly! Come on, Alex, you're coming with me. No, she's not going anywhere! All right, now that's my throwing arm. I'm not leaving without my sister. I said she's not going anywhere! Look! Look, Mason's a werewolf. Awesome! Especially since I know I'm not in danger 'cause we're buddies, right, Mason? Mason? Mason, you didn't answer my question. All right, you're busy. That's cool. Look, I'll admit it, I'm a little scared right now, But I'm not backing down. - Come on, Alex, we're going home. - No! I have to find the necklace. I'm not going anywhere. Justin! I found it! Alex, come on! Wait! Get away from her! I got him! Maybe not. - What are you doing? - I have to get that necklace down. But - My wand! - I'm sorry. I couldn't think of a spell. Justin! Look out! My wings. Get off him! No! You bit me. How could you do this? I didn't have a choice. - You were attacking my boyfriend. - What's going on? When a vampire bites a werewolf, they turn into a wolf. - You mean a werewolf? - No, a wolf, forever! Yeah, and when a werewolf scratches a vampire - What? - I lose my vampire powers. Well, that's not so bad. Justin, I'm gonna look my real age. I'm not so shallow that I would let something like an age difference come in between us. I'm 2193 years old. That's a lot of years. Alex! Hey, I got the necklace down. But the mummy eyes are still up there. You do love me. I do. But it's too late for us. You could never have a normal life with me now. But I'm a wizard. Nothing about my life has ever been normal. I have to go. When I turn into a wolf, I can't control myself. It won't be safe for you. At least you know I truly love you. Justin, we can't be together. Yes, we can. I'll love you no matter how old you are. You are old! But I don't care. I know you don't. But you have to let me go, Justin. I'll never let you go. I'll keep you right in here. Forever. Juliet. I'll never forget you. Are you all right? No. Are you? No. He loved me. And I found her And I lost her again. - Max! - What? What are you doing? I'm howling. What does it look like I'm doing? I'll see you around, buddy. Promise me we'll find normal people. We're not normal people. Hey, dad, I think I finally got the mummy eyes to work. Hey! Max, those are dangerous. You shouldn't play with them. Give 'em to me. All right, fine. Jerry, did you fold the laundry? You are under my power now. You'll never ask me to fold the laundry again. Your wish is my command. I will do whatever you want and ask for nothing in return. They work! I want lasagne for breakfast. - Not, get off, Jerry! - I was just