For Your Ice Only

(wide shot of Danville, covered in snow; cut to the Flynn-Fletcher backyard)

Phineas: Okay, Ferb. Open the floodgates. (Ferb turns the hose open and water comes out from the sprinklers): What do you think?

(The yard has been transformed into an ice hockey rink)

Baljeet: It is like our own miniature Canada! But, of course, without the beavers, moose, and disproportionate number of comedians.

Phineas: Or Canadian bacon.

Buford: I forgot all about Canadian bacon.

Baljeet: You realize it is only ham.

Candace: (Off-screen) Phineas! (Walks on screen) And Ferb! You are so busted!

(Lawrence crosses the screen spinning around the ice rink)

Lawrence: Hello, boys, splendid job on the hockey rink. (He crashes into a snowbank) Well, that was amusing.

Phineas: Great skating, Dad!

Lawrence: Boys, I've got some good news for you. I've arranged for you to play a little exhibition match between the periods of the Danville Ice Trays game.

Phineas: Oh, you mean like at halftime?

Lawrence: Well, it's three periods, so it's really two-thirds time.

Buford: Bland sports terms. That's what keeping the Canadians down.

Phineas: If we're going to be the entertainment, then we'd better kick it up a notch. Hockey Z-9?

Ferb: Hockey Z-9.

Buford: Oh, like Football X-7.

Baljeet: What happened to Y-8?

Phineas: Oh, we're saving that for croquet. Ferb, grab your toolbox. We've got work to do. (they exit)

Candace: (scoffs) What's the big deal with hockey anyway?

Lawrence: Well, it's hard to explain actually, taking the flip pass from the winner, shoulder deking the defense men, and then, tossing it right over the old glove hand. Oh, it just takes hold of you like a fever!

Candace: Did you play a lot of hockey in England there, Dad?

Lawrence: Never once.

Jeremy: (off-screen) Hey, Candace. (walks right on-screen behind Candace)

Candace: Oh, hi, Jeremy.

Jeremy: What a great ice rink.

Candace: Wouldn't it just be perfect for figure skating?

Jeremy: (as Candace says "figure skating") Ice hockey!

Candace: What? Oh yeah. Ice hockey.

Jeremy: I didn't know that you were a hockey fan, Candace.

Candace: (chuckles) You betcha! Flipping over win passes, and then shoulder dorkin' the old jazz hands. It's like some kind of disease!

Jeremy: Uh... yeah.

Lawrence: Say, Jeremy, why don't you join us at the exhibition game today?

Jeremy: Sounds like fun.

Candace: Oh yeah. Sounds like... (makes phone noise) BRRRRING!! Oh, hey. I got a phone call from, um... a real person. Gotta go. (walks out of backyard, calling Stacy on her phone) Stacy, we have a Code Teal.

Stacy: (looking at a color wheel) Locusts? Are you sure?

Candace: No, wait. I mean Code Periwinkle.

Stacy: Periwinkle. A hockey emergency? I'm on it!

Candace: Speaking of periwinkle, where is Perry?

(Perry enters his lair through an elevator in a shack on a frozen pond)

Major Monogram: Carl, I'm freezing. Did you call that repair guy yet?

Carl: I left him a message, sir. I think he went to Aruba for winter break.

Major Monogram: Lucky dog. It's cold in... Oh! Agent P! Didn't hear you come in. I have no idea what Doofenshmirtz is up to. It seems all of our computers froze. Isn't that right, Carl?

Carl:  (is seen with his hands inside an ice-encased computer) Tech support says everything is fine.

Major Monogram: Well, I'm sure whatever Doof is up to, he's probably much warmer than we are, and that alone should be reason to stop him! Good luck, Agent P! (Perry salutes and exits his lair)

(at the Danville Mountain Top Winter Arena)

Dink Winkerson: Welcome, hockey hounds, to the hypothermic hippodrome of Danville Mountain Top Winter Arena where our own Danville Ice Trays will cross sticks with the combative cross-town contenders. Reigning over the skating skirmish tonight as guest referee is Hockey Hall of Famer, Luc Robitaille!

Luc Robitaille: Is anyone else cold? Why is it so cold in here?

Audience: We don't know, Luc Robitaille!

Man in audience: Actually, I brought a blanket. So, I'm okay.

(Song: F-Games (instrumental))

Lawrence: Here we are.

Linda: Oh, this is so exciting! I've always wanted to be a hockey mom.

Candace: Excuse me for a second. (walks out and presses bluetooth button) System check. Stacy, can you read me?

Stacy: (on headphones talking to Candace) I've got the hockey reference manuals, league website, and official rules up and ready!

Ginger: Stacy, Mom said it's my turn to use the computer!

Stacy: Not now, Ginger. I'm busy.

Ginger: Don't make me open a can of whipped cream on you! Or however that goes.

Doofenshmirtz evil igloo on a mountain top, eh?

(Perry parachutes from an airplane down the igloo's chimney)

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus! (on an ice chair holding a mug of hot chocolate) Come in! How do you like my evil igloo hideout up in the Danville Mountains? Would you like some hot cocoa? No? Then, how about a marshmallow! (Doofenshmirtz launches a giant marshmallow out of his cocoa mug, trapping Perry) Ha. Ha! Trapped you again! I think I figured out why I haven't been able to take over the Tri-State Area. I've been too much of a nice guy. Nice guys can't take over large metropolitan areas, except for Roger. But, we're not talking about Roger. I've got to get mean. (Doofenshmirtz slides his chair across the igloo's floor; his cocoa mug falls and breaks) I've got to get ugly and possibly hairy. (Doofenshmirtz's chair slides past a picture of the abominable snowman) I've got to learn to be more like the abominable snowman. (chair crashes; a cat screeches) So, I decided to build this! Behold, the Abominable-nat... The, the Abominama... The A-bom-in-a-ble-i-nat-or. See, I can only say it if I speak slowly. The Abominable... Inator. Oh look, if I, if I separate it, it works. The Abominable Inator! It makes whatever it hits bigger and scarier and hairier. Anyhoo, behold. (removes cover from the Abominable-inator, which is covered in a huge scarf and knitted cap; Perry looks unimpressed) Okay, I know what you're thinking: "Why the silly little stocking cap and scarf?" The truth is, I, uh... I had some yarn.

(back at the hockey arena)

Dink: And the blare of the buzzer brings down the metaphorical curtain on the scintillating second period of this titanic tussle as the grim, gritty gladiators vacate the frozen field of flailing, fighting flugelhorn to prepare for the third period of this tellican, turf-toes tower as the frosty defibrillators mill the frozen peems of icy... (gasps) Oh, man. I better go lay down.

Candace: So when all the members of the offending team clear the defensive zone at the same time, the delayed offset call is negated.

Jeremy: Wow, you really do know hockey.

Candace: Are you kidding? Did you know a referee makes most penalty calls-

Stacy: (to Candace over the phone, reading from a rulebook) While the linesmen may call only obvious technical infractions. (to Ginger) Go away!

Candace: Obvious technical infractions. Go away. The player who committed the infraction is no give me that. No Ginger, I'm busy. I said give me that back. If you don't give that back to me right now, Candace, gotta go.

(Candace smiles nervously after realizing what she said)

Dink: Now for your entertainment, what we've all been waiting for: Little Kids On Ice!

Linda: This is so exciting! (her camera beeps) Oh, I forgot to charge the battery. Oh no, I can't miss this photo op! Where is the gift shop?!

Lawrence: Uh, it's way over there, on the other side of the arena.

Linda: I'll be right back.

(back at Doofenshmirtz's igloo; the Abominable-inator is loaded onto a sled)

Doofenshmirtz: Behold, Perry the Platypus, as I make myself abominable. (Doof presses the button on the -inator's remote. The -inator's beam bounces off the igloo and hits the marshmallow trapping Perry, causing it to burst and splatter all over Doofenshmirtz.) Ooh, it's all marshmallow-y and hairy. Not completely unlike summer camp. Apparently, you gotta aim this thing a little better... (the -inator shoots a beam directly at Doof's rear end) Whoa! Owww! Hmmm, something's not right in the hinterland. (his bottom suddenly becomes large and hairy, causing him to fall on the front of the sled) Yikes! Oof! (the igloo slides off the mountain top and hits a rock, causing it to break; Perry flies into the air and grabs the scarf trailing from the -inator)

(back at the arena)

Phineas: (skating onto the ice with Ferb) Okay, Ferb, looks like we're on.

(Ferb pulls a lever, plunging the arena into darkness; the scoreboard, instead of showing the score, now displays "HOCKEY Z 9")

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be transported to a world where everything you know is changed into a global, glacial dystopia. (large, flaming ice sculptures rise up from the rink) If you're looking for something fluffy, forget it, pal, because this is the future, where the only things left are hard, cold, and in most cases pointy. It's a world where the only way to survive is to play hockey while things blow up around you. It's a world of skillful skating (Baljeet skates into a spotlight) and incredible ice ramps, (Django launches off a ramp into the rink) puck-pushing prowess (Buford enters, crashing through some barrels) and savage stone gladiators. (Phineas and Ferb skate into the center of the rink)

Candace: Oh, this is so bustable! (to Linda's now-empty seat) Mom, D... Where's Mom?

Lawrence: She went to the gift shop to buy a disposable camera.

Candace: What the heck is that?

(cut to the gift shop; David, not getting the concept, is behind the counter)

Linda: It's a camera, that you send away to get the film part developed, and then you take the non-film camera-only part, and you throw it away.

David: What the heck is film?

Linda: (completely exasperated) Would you please just look in the back?

(back to the Hockey Z-9 arena)

Announcer: This is the harsh, hybrid hockey of your dark, dystopian destiny.

(cut to the PA booth; the announcer is revealed to be Isabella)

Isabella: (in her announcer voice) Hockey Z-9! (in her normal voice) Thanks, Dink! Gotta get on the ice!

(Song: Hockey Z-9)

Hockey Hooligans: Oh yeah!

Don't turn away, I'm talking to you, sir

'Bout the post-apocalyptic sport of the future

You'll be skating amok, with curved sticks and a puck

Put your doctor on speed dial, 'cause you're gonna need sutures

Shoulder pads and blades, curling stones for sweepin'

Hockey Z-9

Hockey Z-9

It's as far as you can go, alphabetically speakin'

It's a game with a brand new name

Hockey Z-9

Hockey Z-9

Hockey Z-9

Hockey Z-9

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Hockey Z-9!

(back on the mountain with the sliding Abominable-inator)

Doofenshmirtz: (as the sled goes off a ramp) Aaaaugh!! (Perry climbs up the scarf and lands on the front of the sled as Doof's feet grow big and hairy, causing his shoes to fly off) Oh, my feet! Now it's working. (several more pops are heard as Doof becomes completely abominable) Hey, not bad. A little hairy, but not bad. Now, to deal with you! (Doof grabs for Perry, who darts under his legs) Gotcha! Hey, where'd you go? (Perry tugs on Doof's back hair) Oh, there you are. (Perry beckons Doof to come closer) Yes? (Perry punches Doof, whose head causes the Abominable-inator to point upwards) Ow! Ow, Oh, stupid thing! (Doof attempts to adjust the -inator, but it hits him in the head again) Ow! (the -inator fires)

(back at the arena)

Candace: (trying to enter the rink) 'Scuse me, I gotta get through here.

Luc Robitaille: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're not allowed out there.

Candace: But I gotta go get my mom, and this is the shortcut to the gift shop!

Luc Robitaille: I'm sorry, you can't go out there. That's for players only.

Candace: Players, huh?

Luc Robitaille: You're gonna go get a uniform and try to get out there, aren't you?

Candace: Is that a problem?

Luc Robitaille: No, as long as we're clear on the concept.

(in the gift shop; David has opened a box marked "80's")

David: Hey, look at that! There was one in our "disposable stuff from the 80's" box.

Linda: Thanks, David. (runs out)

David: Let me know if you need more things to throw away!

(back on Doofenshmirtz's sled)

Doofenshmirtz: Where the heck... hey, how'd you get over there? Don't do that! (Perry pries a board off the sled) Oh man! (Perry jumps off the sled and uses the board as a snowboard, grinding a rail while traveling down the mountain) Okay, now you're just showing off! (Perry spots trees ahead and snowboards off to the right) What? Is there something I should... AAAHHHH!! (Doof crashes into the top of a tree, bending it down) I fail to see how this could get any worse. (Doof's head turns back to normal) Oof! (the rest of Doof's body turns back to normal; now lighter, the tree catapults Doof into the distance) Curse you, Perry the Platypus! (trails off)

(the Abominable-inator fires one more time before tumbling off a cliff; the beam hits a Zamboni, which becomes abominable)

Zamboni driver: Okay, I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to happen. Mr. Stevens! (runs into the arena) Mr. Stevens, I'm having trouble with the equipment! (the abominable Zamboni enters the arena)

Linda: (walking through a crowd of cheering fans with foam fingers) Sorry. Excuse me. Yes, you are Number One. Excuse me. Sorry. Pardon me. Alright, alright, al... excuse me!

Phineas: (noticing the abominable Zamboni) Aw, check it out, a monster ice-polishing machine! Okay everyone, looks like we're done, let's get out of here. (the abominable Zamboni clears the rink back to normal and exits the arena, revealing the kids and Luc Robitaille in a perfect picture pose)

Linda: Oh my gosh. That is the cutest thing I've ever seen. Everyone say "Canadian bacon!"

Phineas, Ferb, Buford, Baljeet, Isabella, Django, Luc Robitaille: Ham! (Linda takes the picture)

Luc Robitaille: Great job, kids. (Candace skates onto the ice behind them, dressed in full hockey gear) That was the weirdest game of hockey I've ever seen.

Phineas: Thanks, Mr. Robitaille! (the kids skate off the rink)

Candace: Okay, I'm all set to sneak across the ice.

Luc Robitaille: Go ahead. Hockey Z-9 is over. (skates away)

Candace: What? No! Mom, they had giant dangerous... with a... (snaps hockey stick over thigh) It's not fair! (throws down gloves, gets into fighting stance) It's so not fair!

Luc Robitaille: (skating back; blows his whistle) Unsportsmanlike behavior! (points to the penalty box)

Candace: (skates there) Fine.

(Candace is sitting in the penalty box)

Jeremy: Wow, Candace, I had a really good time. You want to get something to eat?

Candace: Oh, that sounds like fun! But give me two minutes. (notices Perry sitting next to her) Oh, there you are Perry.

(Perry chatters)

End Credits
(standalone broadcasts only, shown on Disney XD UK)

(Song: "Perry the Platypus")

Male Singer: He's a semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal of action

Backing scat: Dooby dooby doo-bah

Dooby dooby doo-bah

Male Singer: He's a furry little flatfoot, who'll never flinch from a fray........!

He's got more than just mad skill,

Female Singer: Wah-ah-ah

Male Singer: He's got a beaver tail and a bill

Female Singer: Ah-ah

Male Singer: And the women swoon whenever they hear him say:

(Perry chatters, women faint)

Male Singer: He's Perry! Perry the Platypus!