First Friend

Good news, KC. I'm up. Good, because you've been accepted to the University of Maryland. What? I got into college? Are you serious? Yes, yes! I don't remember applying. Wait. How long was I napping for? It's for a mission. This is so great. I get to go to college and be with other mature, sophisticated people who actually take their education seriously. Plus, I'm not gonna need a hall pass to tinkle. Actually, you're going undercover as a total party girl so you can bond with Eliza Montgomery. Wait. The Eliza Montgomery? The president's daughter? The West Wing wild child? Man, her dad may be able to pass a bill, but that girl can't even pass a class. Which is why this is her third college in two years. Yep, she's notorious for ditching her Secret Service agents. Your assignment is to become her best friend, and keep an eye on her. The big guy himself chose you for this mission. The big guy? I have an assignment from the president? Commander-in-chief? POTUS? No. Stanley. The big guy who's the head of Secret Service. Like the president knows you exist. Oh, when danger comes for you You know I'll stand beside you 'Cause ain't nobody keep things hustle cool I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire Don't tell nobody, tell nobody I'm not perfect So many things I wanna tell you But I, I, I, I keep it undercover Livin' my life, no way to learn Doin' my thing, gonna make it work Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless But I always got your back Nobody can do it like I can I gotta find out who I am Ain't got to worry about me It's all part of the plan I keep it undercover. I keep it undercover. I'll be back for you in a couple of years. My peeps. My assignment. Relax, tuna breath. I'm getting a book. Uh, dude, you dropped your class schedule. Oh, thanks. Now I know exactly what classes I'm not going to. - Harper Wyatt. - Eliza Montgomery. Dude, you look really familiar. Are you internet famous? No. My dad is kinda the president. Eh, that's cool. Hey, uh, could you do me a favor and tell him to stop with that whole Daylight Savings thing. It was, like four months ago, and I'm still half-asleep. (Chuckles) You're funny. Hey, you wanna get outta here and actually do something fun? I would, but I've got Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dumber. Hey, you should check out this research book. I can get you out of here without them even noticing. Dude, if you can sneak me out, you're my new best friend. (Whispers) Just go right there. Thank you. Yes! All right, it's time for us to hit the books. Hot! Hot, hot, hot. Woo-hoo! Barista, another round. This is the best coffee I've ever had, except it's not coffee, it's espresso. I wonder why they call it espresso. Maybe because it's espresso right to your head. Am I still talking? Harper, you have had coffee before, haven't you? Yeah. Girl, many, many, many, many, many, many, many times. Well, many, many, many many, many thanks for busting me out of that library. They never let me do what I want. One time, I dyed my hair blue, and they acted like I ran naked through the Kremlin. Which I did once, but that's not the point. Yeah, well, one time, I went topless to Bobby McAllister's birthday party. We were three, but people still talked. It can't be that bad being the First Daughter, right? I've been doing this since I was 15. I mean, can you imagine all that responsibility when you're a teenager? Yes! I mean, no. No. I mean, I'm listening. Everyone expects me to be perfect, but it's impossible, especially when they give you horrible nicknames like the "West Wing wild child. " What? I have never heard that one. People can be so mean. Oh, be right back. Gonna hit the First Girls' room. Mom. Mom, Mom, Mom. I am freaking out. I accidentally had a little bit of espresso because I had to keep my cover, and I know it's bad for teenagers, but I'm sorry. KC, take a look at the barista. It was herbal tea, baby. Ahem. I knew that. Hello, boys. Look, I know everybody loves Judy, but I'm busy. First of all, not everybody loves Judy. I do. Yeah. Me, too. But we're here to see Ernie. Ernie! Ernie! Gentlemen. Looking sharp as cheddar cheese. Really? Was there a "buy one, get two free" at the tacky khaki store? We're Adventure Scouts. And I'm their new leader. You can tell because of my impressive shoulder tassels. Sounds stupid. Tell me more. We earn badges for doing survival stuff. Sounds even stupider. I'm in. Sorry. It's against the rules. Adventure Scouts is for boys only. And you're a girl. I'm no girl. I'm a ro Lady. A ro-lady who deserves your ro-spect, and to be in any ro-group that you're in. Good ro-covery. Hey, girl. Aren't you in my Intro to Econ class? Uh, no. My class starts at 2:30. I believe yours started in 1994. Are you kidding me with that outfit? What? I think I look cute. So, um how's it going with the First Brat? Mom, don't call her that. She's actually really nice, and a lot smarter than she lets on. I think I can help her. Aw, come here. Arm's length. What? That's the distance you need to keep her at. KC, your job is to protect her, not change her. Why can't I protect her and help her be the best person she can be? Because it never works. And getting too close can mess them up. Look, now your daddy don't need to know this. When I was once assigned to protect George Clooney, I started to like him as a friend, and he developed feelings. For you? Yes, for me. Don't sound so surprised. Uh, I'm sorry. Are we talking about, like, George Clooney? The incredibly handsome actor? That George Clooney? Yes, that George Clooney. And not to pat myself on the back, but there's a reason it took him so long to get married. He wasn't waiting. He was healing. The movie star George Clooney? Just keep your distance. Arm's length, missy. - George Clooney?! - (Kira) I heard that. Hey. What are you doing here? I thought you had diverticumentatitis. Marisa, I made it up to get out of school because I have a mission. There's no such thing. Sh! Not so loud. I'm planning on catching it from you and taking tomorrow off. So what kind of mission are you on? The secret kind. Come on, give me something. Okay, fine. Um, I'm undercover as a college student at the University of Maryland. Oh, that's not fair. I wanna go to college, too. Then, Marisa, you might want to start studying. Come on, Kace, why can't I do this with you? Marisa, because you're not a spy. Spies have to think on their feet, improvise, they have to have physical stamina. You just don't have what it takes. Oh, hey, Mr. T. You are probably wondering why KC is here, even though she has diverticumentatitis. Well, she woke up, got dressed, came here, and didn't even know she was doing it. Sad, I know, but don't worry. I will take her home and get her right into bed. Even though it is very contagious. Wait. This isn't my bathroom. Don't have what it takes, huh? Extra-bold dark roast. The beans are fermented in elephant poop for an extra kick. Ooh, goody. Kick me. Ooh, check out that cutie over there. Harper, you and I have very different taste in guys. Mm, yummy. Good. Ugh, not again. No, Eliza. Chill. You do realize that your dad is the president of the United States, right? Who cares? He doesn't give elephant's poo about me. Besides, Eliza Montgomery loves the media attention. Haven't you heard? You do like the attention, but I think you might want it from your dad. Right. Yeah. Like my dad knows I exist. He's so busy running the country, that I am the last thing he even thinks about which is why I act out to get his attention. Okay, you might have a point. Look, your dad has seen you sneak out to parties, he's seen you fail out of schools, and ditch your Secret Service, but you know what he hasn't seen you do? Get an "A. " That would totally freak him out. I'd be all, like, "You don't know me, Pops. " I got mad study skills. " Except I totally don't, dude. I will totally help you study, dude. - Really, dude? - Really, dude. - Dude! - Dude. Too bad the library isn't open now. We snuck out. We can sneak back in. (Both) Dude! Hey! What are you doing here? Nice to see you, too. Who's this? Oh, this is Eliza. Eliza, this is my friend Clarisa. My name is Clarisa. - And any friend of - Harper's. is a friend of mine. Oh, this is my jam. Uh, how'd you find us, Clarisa? I could find any party. Two words: Party dar. Well, dar is not a word. And party-dar isn't either. You know what, I've heard of party-dar, but I didn't know it was real. Oh, it's real, and I got it. Okay, well, we're gonna go study. Oh, forget that. I wanna hang with party-dar. Can I borrow Clarisa? What are you doing? It's a blend of the cabbage patch and the robot. I know it's a little old school, but that is how Clarisa rolls. Look, I cannot be distracted. I gotta keep my eyes on Eliza. What's so special about her anyway? Okay, party-dar, clearly you don't have a current events-dar. She's the First Daughter. In her family to go to college? Of the United States. She's the first daughter in the United States to go to college? I don't think so. No, Clarisa. She is the First Daughter. The president's daughter. - Oh. - If you'll excuse me, I gotta Oh, no. Whoo! Hey! All right! Time to earn your archery badge. Just line that baby up, pull back your bow, and let her rip. Oh, Slippy, that's not what I meant. Now you know why they call him Slippy. The backyard's not the only thing he's stinkin' up. Check out this knot he tied. Not bad, not bad. Not good. What do you think of my tent, Ernie? Ta-da! Close enough. Here's your "good effort" badge. Maybe you should give this guy a "you're never going to survive a night in the wilderness" badge. Judy, what's your problem? Your troop is a joke. You're wasting everyone's time because you're not even following the rules as outlined in the Adventure Scouts book. There's a book? Well, thank you for pointing that out. You're no longer banned from the Adventure Scouts for being a girl. - Thank you. - You're now banned because you're a bummer. It's true, Judy. You ruined it. Yeah. You're no fun. Sweetie. What did I tell you about hanging out with Eliza? Maybe I should've told you that she was a library, or good decision-making, or perhaps punctuality. - Not following. - Things you avoid. Marisa, this is not about making friends, okay? The only reason why I'm hanging out with Eliza is because my assignment is to keep her out of trouble. Really? Good to know. So I'm just an assignment. You're not really my friend? You were just lying to me the whole time? No. No, no, no, no. Just a little bit in the beginning. And then, somewhere in the middle. And then, more recently, at the end. Yes, I've been lying to you. And I guess I was just your assignment, too. Oh, no, I never do my assignments. I just thought this would be fun. Well, it wasn't fun for me. At least when it's the Secret Service, I know they have my back, and not stabbing me in it. Come on, guys. I would love to stay and chat, but I think I'm coming down with diverticumentatitis. I made it up. Hey, where you been? Out with my assignment, Eliza, keeping an eye on her, and my arms a length away. And the truth. Even further away. What are you talking about? We know you blew your cover. Why would you think that? 'Cause the big guy called and said you blew your cover. Man, that Stanley's got a big mouth. Wasn't Stanley this time. The president? The commander-in-chief? POTUS? He does know I exist. No, it was Roger, Stanley's boss. Would you get over yourself? - How could you let that happen? - I messed up. It was one time. It's not like you never messed up. George Clooney. What about George Clooney? Nothing. She's just deflecting the fact that she messed up. Look, I did, okay? I'm sorry, and I really, really need to apologize to Eliza. No, KC, I told you. She's not your friend, she's your assignment. Well, she was. You're no longer on the mission. - Wait, but I - But nothing. Let it go. Don't be a George Clooney. What's all this talk about George Clooney? Okay, fine. I'll let it go. I don't know where to find her anyway. Hey, Clarisa, it's Harper. I'm gonna need your help. It's KC. One tailgate party. Admit it. Not only do I have party-dar, but I did help you in this mission, and I would be a good spy. Yeah, Marisa, could you say that a little louder? I don't think they heard you at the University of China. Whoa, whoa. There's a better party across town. Live band, age-appropriate drummer. Clarisa out. Hey. Hey what do you want? Okay, look, I get why you're mad. All right? But regardless of what you think about me, I really do care about you. And promise me. Just because I won't be following you around anymore, you're not gonna keep ditching your Secret Service. Why? Nothing's gonna happen to me. Well, two guys with laser guns can sneak up on you when you least expect it. Yeah, like that's ever gonna happen. It's happened. Hey, Agent Craig. Hey! I'm up. I'm up. Oh. Hey, Judy. Agent Craig, I'm fun, aren't I? Fun? You? (Laughs) Uh, define fun. Something that provides mirth or amusement. Well, then, no. Absolutely not. Not in the least bit. And just to be clear, uh-uh. Listen, you're smart, you're reliable, you're a lot of things, but fun ain't one of 'em. Take that back or you'll be sorry. I'm fun, I'm fun, I'm fun, I'm starting to realize those boys have a good point. You, you're coming with us, too. You know, I would come with you guys, but I don't wanna miss the game. And the game is about to begin. It's like I was saying. You really shouldn't ditch your Secret Service guys anymore. Lesson learned. Hey, look at that. You really did learn something at this college. (Eliza screaming) Eliza! Harper! Touchdown! And now, the extra point. And it's good. Hey, get his other arm. Looks like someone's got some junk in their trunk. I still got two tickets to the game. You totally saved my life. I don't know how to thank you, Harper. Actually, it's KC. Dude, what else have you been lying to me about? Well, I didn't lie to you about actually liking you and wanting to be your friend. Thank you. And I think there is so much more to you than just some fun-loving party girl. And that's what my dad and I sat up most of the night talking about. I think it's time for me to get serious about my life. (Cell phone rings) Hello. Yeah, actually, she's right here. The big guy wants to talk to you. (Clears throat) Listen here, Stanley or Roger, or whoever the heck you are. I really don't appreciate you opening your big mouth telling my parents Oh, my goodness. It is an honor to talk to you, Mr. President. Commander-in-chief. POTUS. It's an honor to speak to you, KC. (Man's voice) I wanna thank you for your service to your country. It is appreciated. Okay, I was wrong. You are fun. Ooh. Let's do one more. This time, call Kira, and pretend to be George Clooney. Rob, your name's on TV.