Debutante Baller

Oh, thank you. Thank you. What in the Queen Latifah is goin' on? Oh, just reliving my days at the Cotillion Ball. Cotillion Bowl? I didn't know you played football in college. Cotillion Ball. It's a girl's proper introduction to society. Look. This is the dress I wore - when I won Miss Debutante. - Aww. Your grandma and your great-grandma wore it - when they won, too. - Aww. And now, KC'll wear it to the ball. Uh-uh! Have you ever met KC? Have you ever met your mama? I have my ways. This is gonna be the best mother-daughter bonding experience ever whether she likes it or not. Oh, honey, pack your bags. Your dad is on a mission, and you and I are going to Chesapeake for the Cotillion Ball. Are we also gonna make a pit stop at Fantasyland, because that's never gonna happen. I know. Who wants to wear a big ol' gown and get their hair all did? - Not me. - Me either. I mean, it's not like we have to take every mission they throw our way. Wait a minute, it's a mission? Eh, don't worry about it. Of course, they'll bump us down in seniority, but who cares? I care. I care a lot. Mom, I think we should go. It's okay, KC. To be honest, I've really lost interest. Well, get interested. I'm gonna go pack my bags. We are going to that cotillion. - Well, fine, if you insist. - I do. Oh, Kira, you're so good at bein' bad. Oh, when danger comes for you You know I'll stand beside you 'Cause ain't nobody keep things hustle cool I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire Don't tell nobody, tell nobody I'm not perfect So many things I wanna tell you But I, I, I, I keep it undercover Livin' my life, no way to learn Doin' my thing, gonna make it work Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless But I always got your back Nobody can do it like I can I gotta find out who I am Ain't got to worry about me It's all part of the plan I keep it undercover. I keep it undercover. Good afternoon, and salutations. I am Miss Holley of the Arlington Holleys. You may recognize me from the picture on my book If you don't, Excuse You: Living A Life of Elegance and Class is available for purchase in the lobby. Cash only. You're late. I'm sorry, okay? It took me a while to zip up. Thankfully, I was able to pop my shoulder back in. Welcome to the 104th annual mother-daughter debutante tea. What a resplendent group of young ladies. And the daughters aren't half bad either. Elbows! What? You have to fit in for the mission. And what exactly is this mission to set feminism back 100 years? Well, Gladys, our new handler, isn't big on details. But look around you. This place is filled with VIP's. Over there, ambassador's daughter. And there, governor's daughter. And Ms. Mega-bucks over there, well, her family makes the strings for 90% of all the teabags. Wait, so what I'm hearin' is, she's a chamo-millionaire. Hey! My arm wasn't even on the table that time. And before we crown our Miss Debutante, our beaus will present our ladies to society, and they are handsome. Why, if I were just 40 years younger, I'd still be a tad too old for them. And now, ladies, please join me for the walkabout. Mom, what exactly is the point of this? Why can't we just do a chill-about, or a get-your-grub-on-about? Well, if I had to guess, it's a way to demonstrate a young lady's posture and elegance and grace. They call it PEG. I think. I don't know. Oh, hey, Judy. Be a doll and get me a glass of milk. After that, you can have an hour of TV, then lights out. - Aw, did you enjoy it? - Enjoy what? Your five seconds of thinking you are the boss of me. I'm in charge. Put that in your glass of milk and drink it. Slow your roll, chips for brains. What makes you think you're in charge? Let's see. Agent Kira left me all the emergency contact information, a list of your allergies, and, oh yeah, she said, "Judy, you're in charge. " (Loud belch) If there's a belching competition, you're definitely a shoo-in. I'm KC. What's good, yo? Kiki. Well, here they call me Kitten. I'm not really feelin' this whole high society, sip-your-tea-proper type situation. Really? Your army boots didn't give that away at all. I have to do it. I got four gene-ray-rays up in this piece, you feel me? I got my moms, my grandmoms, my great-grandmoms. We call her Mom-Moms. Isn't that technically your mom-mom's mom? Ladies. Ma'am, I was just telling KC about my amazing journey to Africa to dig wells in order to provide clean water to local villages. You are an angel, Kitten. Is that young lady (Horrified gasp) She is chewin' gum! Young lady, chompin' your cud is barnyard behavior. Uh is it just me, or did you just go all British up in this piece, yo? My moms bribed me with new wheels to get me here, so I gotta flex my lady skills, know what I'm sayin'? Yeah, I know Yeah, I know what you I feel you. Would you excuse me for a second? Yo, Moms I mean, Mother, uh I think our mission has to do with that tea-string heiress. See that diamond necklace around her neck? I think we're here to stop a robbery. Well, it is like you are reading my emails. Gladys just told me to watch her like a hawk. Watch her style and grace. The way she holds her teacup, now, see, that is a perfect pinky. Why exactly would I care about that stuff? Oh, did I mention the rest of the email? Gladys said you have to win Miss Debutante. What? Why? Why? Who knows why? Do I know why? I don't know why. But I do know that my job is to follow orders. Wait, Mom, so you really expect me to win this thing? Well, they'd probably settle for second place. And we're curtsying. And curtsying. And curtsying. Well, some of you are. Some of you look like a dizzy flamingo. Now remember, ladies, if you wish to have the perfect curtsy, my DVD, Perfect Curtsying, is available in the lobby. - Cash only. - Cash only. Isn't this the most fun we've ever had? You know, on a mission. Yeah, we're havin' a blast. I have an idea how I can win that title. Lay it on me, baby. I'm here to support you. If I'm gonna win, I need someone really good in my corner with hair, makeup, wardrobe. You don't have to ask me twice. Yeah, I wasn't gonna even ask you once. I think she meant me. Mom, can you believe that Marisa got here on such short notice? No. No, I cannot. What is she doing here? Well, she's my glam squad. Who better to take me from blah to Ah! Oh, I don't know. Maybe your ma. I can't believe you asked her here. Well, thank you, Mrs. Cooper, and here I was wondering if taking three buses, two trains and running half a mile to get here was worth it. I'll just go grab the rest of my stuff. Don't worry. I don't need a hand. KC, what is wrong with you? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with you? Our cover is mother and daughter, not mother, daughter, and some friend of yours who doesn't belong here but for some reason is. Mom, relax, okay? As far as Marisa knows, we are just bonding at a cotillion that you forced me to go to, okay, but we both know the truth. Well, one of us does. Okay, I know you think Marisa is some makeup genius, but honestly, I have never seen you look worse. Seriously, you look horrible. She hasn't put any makeup on me yet. So far, it's just the face you gave her. Girl, you are on thin ice. And this is the dress I brought you. Oh, no. What happened to the dress I brought you? Well, I've heard of polka dots. I never really heard of polka holes. Oh, look at that. I guess moths must have gotten to it. It's a rookie mistake. You should've packed it like I packed this one in cedar cellophane, oh, and love. Almost 100 years old. It looks like the day it was sewn together. You know what? Fine. This dress will actually be perfect for that party I'm going to next week. After I make a few more holes. Uh, Mom, where did you even get that dress? Gladys sent it over. From what I understand, three generations have won in it. So far. Did all three generations wear it at the same time? (Loudly) What?! I've been thinking. Ernie, you know nothing good ever comes of that. I think Mom made a big mistake leaving you in charge. So if I can beat you at something, then I'm in charge of you. - Deal? - Deal. What you don't know is, I've been working out with strength-resistance bands. Who's ready for some arm wrestling, little girl? I guess if you really want to. (Knuckles cracking) One, two, three. Oh, yeah. Oh, did we start? Best two out of three? KC, can I just say, your dress Don't bother. Let me do it for you. This dress is so big, it has seven other small dresses stuck in its orbit. This dress is so big, it won't even return BeyoncÃ©'s calls. This dress is so big, movie theaters now sell popcorn in three sizes regular, large, and this dress. I was just gonna say it looks really pretty. Is it just me, or has your mom been giving me the stink eye this whole time I've been here? What? No. I'm sure you're just imagining it. Am I? Man, you can smell that stink eye from over here. Look, okay, the truth is, this isn't really a mother-daughter bonding weekend. We're on a mission. I'm on a secret mission? No. I'm on a mission. You're helping me with my hair and makeup. Oh. I'm helping out on a secret mission! Yeah, rule number one in helping out on a secret mission is you don't go around yelling "I'm helping out on a secret mission. " All right, short circuit, your reign of terror is about to end. I challenge you to a jumping contest. It's a little-known fact, I got mad hops. He who can jump up and grab a leaf off that tree is in charge. All right, Hoppy, jump away. Watch and learn. Ha! Your turn. Okay. You proved your point. Nobody likes a show-off. Mom. Do you have any more information about the mission? - The what? - The mission. The reason why we are here. Oh, the mission. Right. Oh, been lookin' for that. Gladys just gave us an update. Okay, what does it say? Okay, let's see. Oh, there are a pair of spies working as mother and daughter who are part of a sleeper cell we need to identify. - Seriously? - Yes, seriously. It's not like I'm makin' this stuff up. Oh, and, um by the way, Gladys wants you to wear more makeup. She didn't think you look glamorous enough. How does she even know what I look like? Sweetheart, cameras everywhere. Hey, Gladys. Good evening, dear. Oh, you look absolutely stunning. But that's no surprise, considering your legacy. Ah, my legacy. What legacy would that be again? Well, I just met your mother, and she showed me a picture of her in that very same gown at her cotillion. Uh, I'm sorry, ma'am. I think you might be mistaken. Oh, no, I am quite sure. Your mother is a former Miss Debutante, as was your grandmother and great-grandmother before her. That makes you a fourth-generation debutante. Wait. So I too got four gene-ray-rays up in this piece? I mean yes, I realize that. Oh. In fact, I'm startin' to realize a lot of things. Aspiring to save the world isn't easy. Yes, I could donate millions and millions and millions from my trust fund. But instead, my life's mission is to inspire others to give. Apparently, they take this whole speech nonsense very seriously. So I have a few index cards Gladys made for you. Oh, don't worry, Mother. I wouldn't wanna let Gladys down. Thank you, Kitten. You speak beautifully in public. Obviously, she's read my book, How To Speak Beautifully In Public. By the way, it is available in the lobby. (Miss Holley's voice) Cash only. Next, we will hear from Miss KC Cooper. (Sighs) Thank you, everyone. My name is KC Cooper, and for my speech, I'm going to need a bit of assistance from Miss Holley. - Miss Holley. - Yes. Pull my finger. Oh, Judy. Ernie, I've lost interest in this whole game. If you want to be in charge so bad, fine, you're in charge. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't need your pathetic little handouts. All right, sometimes I do. But not this time. I finally figured out the one thing - you can't beat me at. - Losing? Uh, no. An eating competition. That's not fair. I don't eat. Oh, that's right. I forgot. Robots don't eat. So what I'm hearing is I win! That's right, winner winner, chicken dinner, which you also can't eat. (Choking) Hey, looks like you can't eat either. Guess it's a tie. And finally, I'd like to present our debutantes to society. Evelyn Merkintosh of Bridgeport, Virginia. KC Coretta Scott Cooper of Arlington, Virginia. What happened to you? You look like you got into a fight with a cat. And the cat won. Mom, I completed our mission. What are you talkin' about? Remember Kitten Van Camp? She and her mother were the undercover spies, but it's okay, 'cause I took care of them. You took care of them? Yeah, I took care of them. Wiped 'em out, eliminated 'em. They're swimming with the fishes. I don't really know all the technical terms for it, but rest assured, we won't be hearing from them for a long time. Like forever. You eliminated Kitten and her mother? Yeah, and this janitor who just walked in at the wrong time. But it was kind of convenient, because he had a mom. Oh, baby, no! Oh, Mama, yeah. Why why would you do that? I had no choice. I got an email telling me to from Gladys. From Gladys? There is no Presenting Kitten Van Camp of Manassas, Virginia. When did you figure it out? Well, I had a little chitchat with Miss Holley and she told me all about my legacy, although I should've known something was up when we went undercover using our real names. Oopsie. Honey, I'm so sorry. It's just that this cotillion is something I always wanted us to experience together. Mom, why didn't you just tell me? Don't you think I would've done it? Okay, don't you think I would've done it once I realized how important it was to you? Okay. Don't you think I would've done it once I realized how important it was to you and you guilted me into it? Okay, yeah, I'm startin' to see why you tricked me into it. Sweetheart, I'm sorry. It's just that you're growing up so fast. I want to savor these moments while I still got 'em. It's okay. I love you, Mom. I love you, too, baby. And now, our Miss Debutante of the 104th Chesapeake, Virginia, cotillion is KC Coretta Scott Cooper. That's my girl! I mean, congratulations. I won? How in the heck did I win? Sweetheart, you inherited my genes. It's in your DNA. Huh. Guess I'm a little more sophisticated and classy than I give myself credit for. You sure are, baby. I can't believe my baby won. Why not? You paid to make it happen. And by the way (Both) Cash only. I still think you could've helped me with this. It was a tie, so technically, we're both in charge. Ernie, does it really matter who's in charge? No, I guess not. Wow, this place looks great, like cleaner than when we left. Ernie, did you move out for the weekend? Oh, leave him alone. He did a good job. I knew I was right to leave you in charge, baby. I was in charge? I was in charge?! Judy! (Nervous laughter) Look at that. Looks like I made a mistake. Rob, your name's on TV.