Real Date

(Episode begins with Pops' House. Mordecai, Rigby, CJ and Eileen are playing a game called Mineropoly. CJ rolls the dice.)

CJ: Six. One, two, three, four, five, six. Coyote Flats. I'd like to buy a mine.

(Eileen slowly picks up a card)

Eileen: In the mine, you find...gold!

CJ: Yes!

Mordecai: Aaaaawww...

Eileen: (Flips over the card) Foolsgold!

CJ: Aw, man.

Mordecai, Rigby, and Eileen: Ooooooohhhhh!

Eileen: The scientific name for foolsgold is pyrite.

Mordecai: My turn. (Rolls the dice) C'mon, Papa needs a brand new pickaxe!

(Benson appears in the doorway with a handful of mail)

Benson: Are you gonna take care of this mail? It's been stacked up by the door for weeks.

Rigby: We get mail? (Turns to Mordecai) Did you know this?

Benson: Get it outta there! (He drops the mail) Do it or you're fired! Eileen. Dodgeball girl. (He leaves)

(Rigby picks up a football trophy with a drawing of Rigby's head that says "World Rugby Association"; the "u" in "Rugby" is covered by an "I", spelling "Rigby")

Rigby: Aw, yeah! My order from Trophy Discounters!

Mordecai: (Looks at one of the letters) Couple Corral?

CJ: What?

Eileen: You're still subscribed to that dating site?

Rigby: Dude, you're not single.

CJ: Uh, yeah. (She elbows Mordecai playfully) I deleted my profile.

Mordecai: Hey, I forgot, alright? Okay, everybody watch.

(He takes out his phone)

Voice: Delete profile?

(Mordecai presses "Yes", then a wheel rolls as it's loading)

Mordecai: See, it's being deleted, right?

(A gunshot sound is heard as an X appears, then Mordecai looks at his phone)

Voice: Are you sure, pardner?

Mordecai: (Annoyed) Yes!

(He presses "Yes")

Voice: Did you mean to press "No"?

Mordecai: Hold on.

Eileen: So how long have you two been together?

CJ: Hmm. We've been hanging out for a month now.

Rigby: "Hanging out"? "Hanging out"?!

Eileen: Sounds pretty casual, guys. I mean, have you ever been on a nice, romantic date?

Mordecai: This is a date.

Eileen: This is game night, Mordecai. I mean a real date.

Mordecai and CJ: A real date?

CJ: Does that time we had all-you-can-eat crab at Seafood Sal's count?

Rigby and Eileen: No.

CJ: Oh my gosh.

Mordecai: I'm gonna make reservations at a nice restaurant.

CJ: I'm gonna buy a new outfit.

Mordecai: Saturday at seven?

CJ: Saturday at seven.

(Mordecai and CJ run away to make plans to get ready)

Rigby: Hello? Game night?

(A clock transition to the next day. Rigby is playing a video game and Mordecai is holding up a small jewelry box.)

Mordecai: Dude, Rigby, you got a second? I want to show you what I bought for CJ.

Rigby: (He puts down the game controller) Okay, what do you got?

(Rigby opens the box to reveal a bracelet with charms shaped like a shopping cart, a laser gun, a cloud butt, a roller skate, a video game controller, a grilled cheese sandwich, a go-kart, an alligator, and an air hockey mallet.)

Rigby: What is this? What am I looking at?

Mordecai: It's a charm bracelet. There's a different charm for all the stuff CJ and I did the first time we met. (He points to each individual charm) There's a little roller skate and a grilled cheese and an air hockey mallet.

Rigby: Wow, Mordecai! This is the kind of thing that pros get their girlfriends.

Mordecai: Right? I'm just not sure how to give it to her, though.

Rigby: Here's an idea. How about if you say you have something for her, and then you give it to her! (He hands the box to Mordecai) Classic gift-giving technique, bro.

Mordecai: No, dude. I've gotta do it in some way that's really special.

(Benson appears with a handful of mail again)

Benson: What's this?

Mordecai: It looks like-

Benson: No, no, I'll tell you. It's the stack of junk mail I asked you to take care of yesterday!

(Benson tosses the junk mail in Mordecai and Rigby's laps)

Mordecai: But we threw that out!

Benson: Really? You threw this mail that I found not in the trash into the trash?

Mordecai: Wait. This is new junk mail. And it's all from Couple Corral. Man, what is it with these guys? Hey, Benson, do you have any ideas for a romantic way to give a gift to a girl?

Benson: Well... I've always thought it would be nice to have a waiter serve a gift box in place of dessert.

Rigby: Look at you, Benson! How are you still single?

Mordecai: Yeah; that idea's genius.

Benson: (Shrugs) I'm just spitballing here.

Mordecai: Well, thanks for the tip, Benson. I'm gonna go call the restaurant right now.

(As Mordecai dials the restaurant's number on his phone, the scene circle-wipes to the Coffee Shop. Eileen pours a cup of coffee for CJ.)

Eileen: So, big date's tonight, huh?

CJ: Yeah.

Eileen: What kind of place are we talking? Is this an oyster/crackers or a warm rolls establishment?

CJ: I think they might charge extra for bread.

Eileen: Ooh, romantic. (Puts the coffee pot down) So what's your "hes"?

CJ: I'm just not sure it's gonna be enough. This night has to be amazing, you know?

CJ and Eileen: Hmm...

CJ: Maybe I can get a special dessert for Mordecai.

Eileen: Yeah! What does he like?

CJ: Waffles, chocolate...

Eileen: There's a new pastry shop downtown that specializes in chocolate-covered waffle cakes.

CJ: That's perfect! I'll take him there for dessert to surprise him.

Eileen: You just gotta make sure not to fill up on bread at dinner.

(Circle-wipe scene transition to Bistro en le Parc. Mordecai and CJ are sitting at a table near a window.)

CJ: Could this get any more romantic?

Mordecai: Oh, well... maybe. (Sips water from a glass)

(The concierge approaches Mordecai from behind)

Concierge: You have a call at the front.

Mordecai: (He shrugs and rises out of his seat) To be continued.

(Mordecai walks up to the front desk, and the concierge hands him the phone)

Mordecai: Hello?

Matchmaker McIntyre: Matchmaker McIntyre here, CEO of Couple Corral. This is not a recording.

Mordecai: Uh, hi?

McIntyre: We noticed earlier you deleted your profile. So sad to see ya go. We really appreciate your business, so I'm beggin' ya to rejoin.

Mordecai: (Talking over McIntyre's voice) Hello? Hello?

McIntyre: If you come back to us today, you'll get free romantic coupons. To rejoin, say "yee-haw!" To cancel, say "adios".

Mordecai: Adios! Adios!

(Mordecai hangs up, and the screen pans over to show McIntyre standing behind him)

Mordecai: Aah!

McIntyre: Told ya I wasn't a recording! What do ya mean "adios", pardner?

Mordecai: Uh, I don't need Couple Corral anymore. I'm in a relationship now, so...

McIntyre: Here's what I'm thinkin'. Break up with CJ.

Mordecai: (Angrily) Excuse me?

McIntyre: Break up with her and rejoin my site! (Wraps an arm around Mordecai) Couple Corral could help you find somebody better.

Mordecai: Dude, I'm happy with CJ.

McIntyre: Will you be though after we dredge through her profile? (Takes out his phone) Okay, let's see what we dig up here.

(McIntyre shows Mordecai photos of CJ with different hairstyles.)

Mordecai: Isn't keeping her information, like, really illegal?

McIntyre: You'd think. (He stops on a photo of goth CJ) Whoa! How do you expect her to be committed to you when this girl can't even commit to a hairstyle?

Mordecai: (Shoves McIntyre away) So? I like CJ. Now leave me alone.

(Mordecai walks away, and McIntyre glares at him menacingly. Cut to Mordecai and CJ's table. CJ is on the phone.)

CJ: Hi, L'Wafflerie? I just wanted to check and see if the waffle cake I ordered is ready.

(CJ gasps and quickly puts her phone away when Mordecai returns)

Mordecai: Unbelievable! CJ, when you deleted your Couple Corral profile, did its CEO come to you in person and tell you to break up with me?

CJ: (Confused) No.

Mordecai: Ugh. Let's just enjoy dinner.

(Transition to after dinner. Mordecai and CJ have clean dinner plates in front of them.)

Mordecai: Man, that steak was off the hook!

CJ: Yeah, this was so good.

Mordecai: Ready for dessert? (Snaps his fingers) Garcon!

(A waiter walks over with Mordecai's gift box hidden under a serving dish. CJ's phone vibrates with an incoming call from L'Wafflerie.)

CJ: You know what? Let's skip dessert.

Mordecai: What?

CJ: Uh, I... (She stands up) ...gotta go to the bathroom. Excuse me.

(CJ walks away, passing the waiter Mordecai called over. The waiter looks confusedly at Mordecai.)

Mordecai: Uh...

(A car's high beams shine through the window and its horn plays "La Cucaracha". Mordecai looks out the window and sees McIntyre.)

McIntyre: Hey, Mordecai! Wanna meet a girl that doesn't have to go to the bathroom? Call me!

(Mordecai looks angry. Circle-wipe to later on; Mordecai and CJ are leaving the restaurant.)

Mordecai: Hey, I'll catch up. Gotta tie my shoe real quick.

CJ: I can wait.

Mordecai: No! Uh... it's better if I have privacy.

CJ: (Confused) Uh... okay.

(CJ walks off-screen as Mordecai bends down to "tie his shoe". With CJ out of earshot, Mordecai takes out his phone and calls Rigby.)

Rigby: Talk to Rig.

Mordecai: Dude, the dessert plan failed.

Rigby: Whaaaat?

Mordecai: I need you to pick up the bracelet at the restaurant and bring it to the Koffee Kiosk in the square.

Rigby: I'm on it.

(Mordecai catches up with CJ)

Mordecai: Sorry about that. I just wanted to try out this new knot.

CJ: Okay.

(She chuckles)

Mordecai: Do you mind actually if we cut over to Main Street?

CJ: Well... (Stuttering)

(The screen cuts to a shot behind CJ. L'Wafflerie is across the street.)

CJ: It's just that... Well, I was kinda hoping we could stay on this block.

Mordecai: Really? But Main Street's so much more romantic.

CJ: Um, hello? Dry cleaners, notary publics as far as the eye can see? This is where it's at.

Mordecai and CJ: (Laughing)

(Mordecai sighs and puts an arm around CJ. They walk forward a few feet, then Mordecai breaks into a run down the block.)

Mordecai: Race you to the square!

CJ: Huh? No!

(CJ takes out her phone and calls Eileen)

Eileen: Hey, what's up?

CJ: Waffle plan's been jacked. I need backup.

Eileen: Copy that. What do I do?

CJ: I need you to pick up the waffle cake and meet me by the big fountain in town square.

Eileen: I'm on it.

(They both hang up. Cut to Mordecai running down the street. CJ quickly catches up with him...)

CJ: You're pretty fast, Mordecai.

Mordecai: Huh?

(...and pulls into the lead.)

CJ: Not fast enough!

(Their race ends in front of the town square water fountain)

CJ: Woo-hoo! I win!

Mordecai: (Out of breath) That's not fair. You exercise. Let me just get a cup of coffee. Then I bet I can outrun you.

CJ: (She elbows Mordecai) Face it, dude. You lost. Come on. (She takes Mordecai by the hand) Let's go make a wish in the fountain. You can wish to be faster at running.

(Rigby stands by the Koffee Kiosk with the bracelet.)

Rigby: Dude!

(Mordecai waves to Rigby, and Rigby starts walking over. Mordecai takes out a coin.)

Mordecai: Okay, here I go. (closes his eyes) I wish... for a cute girlfriend who likes me back.

(Mordecai and CJ laugh as he flips the coin. The screen follows the coin as it travels up into the air and stops on McIntyre's blimp.)

McIntyre: Dump Cloudy Jay!

(Mordecai is in shock as the coin splashes into the fountain.)

CJ: Is he watching us?

Mordecai: Let's get out of here.

(Rigby walks up to the fountain, and Mordecai and CJ are gone)

Rigby: Argh! Come on, dude! Stick to the plan!

Eileen: Rigby?

(Eileen appears behind Rigby with the waffle cake)

Rigby: Eileen? What are you doing here? Are you gonna eat that by yourself?

Eileen: (Shaking her head) I'm doing a favor for CJ. Did you... buy jewelry?

Rigby: Ugh. No. I'm doing a favor for Mordecai.

Eileen: Wait...

(Eileen narrows her eyes, then Rigby narrows his eyes. Cut to Mordecai and CJ by the Koffee Kiosk.)

Mordecai: I think we're safe. You want a coffee?

CJ: I'm good. You?

Mordecai: Nah.

(A brief pause, then Mordecai and CJ talk over each other)

Mordecai: I think I left something at the fountain.

CJ: Uh, I'm gonna use the bathroom.

(They walk to opposite ends of the kiosk and take out their phones to call Rigby and Eileen.)

Mordecai: Rigby!

CJ: Eileen!

Rigby and Eileen: New plan.

Rigby: Come to the pier by the waterfront.

Eileen: You can get your present there.

Rigby and Eileen: Over and out.

(Mordecai and CJ hang up and walk back over to each other)

Mordecai and CJ: Let's go to the waterfront.

(Scene transitions to the waterfront amusement park)

Mordecai: Well, here we are at the waterfront.

CJ: Yup. All sorts of surprising, romantic stuff happens here.

(Mordecai and CJ stop and gasp, looking at a candlelit table setting with their gifts on the table)

Mordecai and CJ: Whoa.

(As they run over to the table, Rigby and Eileen are seen hiding inside a crate)

Mordecai and CJ: For me? So that's why you were acting all... And that's why you made all those...

Mordecai: Excuses.

(Mordecai and CJ begin to laugh)

CJ: Tying your shoe?

Mordecai: Going to the bathroom. I was calling Rigby.

CJ: I was calling Eileen!

(As Mordecai and CJ laugh together, Rigby and Eileen watch and bump fists)

Mordecai: I'm sorry this wasn't more romantic.

CJ: This is the most romantic date I've ever been on.

Mordecai: (He goes wide-eyed) Really?

(CJ goes wide-eyed as well and nods her head. She and Mordecai move in for a kiss, but they're interrupted when the pier shakes.)

Mordecai: Something hit the pier!

(They run up to the edge of the pier, and McIntyre's submarine rises out of the water. The hatch opens and McIntyre comes out.)

McIntyre: Last chance, Mordecai! Break up with her!

Mordecai: Dude, what's your deal?! Aren't we the point of your site? Shouldn't you want us to stay together?

McIntyre: (He sighs and shakes his head) Whoever here knows how to run a website, raise their hand. (He raises his hand) Happy couples don't use Couple Corral; lonely people do! Lonely people lead to subscribers. Subscribers lead to more clicks. More clicks somehow lead to millions of dollars. Millions of dollars lead to sweet corporate-branded stuff. See?! (He gestures to his blimp and begins to sob) My site's too good! There's nobody left! Happy couples have been leavin' in droves! I'm bankrupt!

CJ: Dude, just sell your stuff!

McIntyre: No! My crooked lawyer told me this is the only way! Break up with her!

Mordecai: No way! We're really into each other!

McIntyre: If you won't break up with her... (Takes out a bazooka) ...I'll do it for ya. Let me introduce you to the Couple Corral "Breakup-ulator".

(Mordecai and CJ scream in terror as McIntyre takes aim at CJ. He fires a missile with "It's not you, it's me." written on its side.)

Mordecai: Look out!

(Mordecai pushes CJ out of the way of the missile, and it explodes into the pier. CJ falls back, and Mordecai's body rolls onto the beach. He lies lifeless with CJ's gift in his hand.)

CJ: Mordecai!

(She glares angrily at McIntyre)

McIntyre: Well, darn. That didn't work out like I wanted it to. CJ! Rejoin my site?

(CJ's eyes turn red, and she begins breathing heavily)

McIntyre: Uh-oh.

CJ: NO!!!

(CJ turns into a giant gray storm cloud, leaving her clothes behind. The water around McIntyre becomes turbulent.)

CJ: LEAVE... US... ALONE!!!

(Lightning strikes the pier under McIntyre's car, and it falls onto a gas tank and explodes. The car's bull horn-shaped hood ornament flies up into McIntyre's blimp, rupturing it. The blimp plummets down toward McIntyre's submarine.)

McIntyre: Hubris!

(An explosion destroys the blimp and submarine and kills McIntyre. Transition to CJ, back to normal, crying over Mordecai's body.)

CJ: (Sobbing) Mordecai... Mordecai... Mordecai... No!!!

(As CJ holds Mordecai, her tears splash onto his face and CJ hugged his head. Then Mordecai began to cough and groan)

CJ: (Gasp) Mordecai?! I thought you were dead!

Mordecai: (He sits upright) I would be... if not for this gift box. I hope you like it.

(Mordecai opens the box. The charm bracelet now only has a single charm on it shaped like a heart.)

(CJ gasps slowly)

Mordecai: There's a different charm for- (Looks at the new bracelet) Whoa! Well, there used to be different charms. I guess they must've all gotten welded into a heart by the bazooka blast.

(CJ puts the bracelet on her left wrist)

CJ: I love it.

Mordecai: I thought that you would.

CJ: I guess the thing I had for you must've exploded.

Mordecai: That's okay. I got my wish.

CJ: What, that you can run faster than me?

Mordecai: No, for a cute girlfriend that likes-

(CJ cuts him off with a kiss as the sun rises in the background. Cut to Rigby and Eileen. Eileen is holding the waffle cake and gives it to Rigby, who's holding a fork.)

Rigby: (Gasp) Is this waffles and a cake and chocolate?

Eileen: Yeah.

(Rigby takes a bite of the cake)

Rigby: I love it.

Eileen: I thought that you would.

(End of Real Date)