The Fixer

It's starting to brown.

Did you ever think you'd create something so beautiful?

Well, I do have a son.

Yeah, but this had to be more fun to make.

We got to use a candy thermometer.

Ah, nothing I like better than coming home from work and seeing my girls'... husbands.

Hey, Mr. B.

What...?

We're just baking over here because the sink at my place is broken.

Kris says she's gonna fix it when she gets some time.

Yeah, 'cause I taught her how to fix stuff and how to get a job.

You know, I figure you'd want one of those things to do.

I'm home-schooling Boyd, remember?

Plus, we don't have traditional gender roles in our family, so...

Yeah, you do.

She works all day.

You're the nice lady that bakes.

No, that's a stereotype, Mr. B.

How long have you been baking here with Martha Stewart?

I don't know.

Time flies when I'm with my baking brother.

Oh, no. That's not a baking brother.

Martha Stewart has a baking brother.

She bakes with Snoop Dogg.

That's a baking brother.

They must have different fathers.

Why didn't you just help him fix the sink in his house?

I'm not great at plumbing, and thanks to Ryan, I don't feel bad about that anymore.

Guys, guys, fixing stuff is a manly art, you know, you take great pride in fixing stuff around your house.

Well, does it count if I proudly ask you to come over and take a look at it Your wife can't fix it, so you ask her dad.

It would be less embarrassing to buy a new house, but that would be impossible 'cause you would have to have a job.

(Knock on door)

Come in.

Hey, thanks for coming over.

Kris can't get to the sink for another week.

Sorry it took me so long, but it took me a while to figure out why I care.

And I never miss an opportunity to hang with Mr. B.

Plus, he told me to get in the damn truck.

Kyle wanted to learn something about plumbing, so I brought him along.

You want to help us get set up here?

Yeah, sure thing. All right.

Now that guy can carry a load, huh?

It's quite the box.

They should call you "Tool Man."

Yeah, so, uh, hope you don't mind other guys coming to your house to fix stuff that you can't fix.

Yeah, it's fine.

Yeah.

Must be nice to let some other guy be king of your castle.

I mean, why be alpha dog if you can just be a little, tiny poodle?

(Imitates dog yipping)

Look, I get what you're doing.

You want me to get my back up like some big ape and pound my chest, warning the other ape to stay away.

Is it working?

No.

Because you're poking the wrong ape.

This one is evolved.

All right.

Okay, well, I'll teach Kyle how to fix some of this stuff, too.

'Cause I got a feeling other stuff around here is gonna break, snap, or cry.

Everything's set up for you, Mr. B.

Got your tool box and a cold beer open and ready for you.

Well, it looks like you got everything under control.

You know, while Kyle's here, he eats first.

Not gonna work, Mike.

Okay.

Well, we'll get started, Alpha.

That's his new name. Alpha.

♪

Hey, thanks for helping me with my dresser.

Uh, sure.

I didn't really do anything.

No, you really didn't.

Doesn't U.C. Boulder have a gym or something?

Oh, look at you two.

You're so cute together.

Mandy: Yeah.

I love it when you see a couple that's exactly the same level of attractiveness.

Not like, "wow, they're so beautiful!" or like, "ohh, they're ugly," just like right there, safe in the middle.

Sorry about them, but if they had turned out any better, my parents might not have had me.

Okay.

Okay, we can take a hint. (Chuckles)

Mandy, that was a hint.

And they make me clean the castle while they go to the ball.

Hey.

I had a really great time tonight.

Me, too.

I love being with you, and, in fact... I love you.

Thanks.

No. I mean it. I really love you.

Oh.

(Clears throat)

Well, then, I... really thank you.

Okay, um, see you tomorrow.

Okay. (Chuckles nervously)

Can I help you with something?

No... thank you.

(Both laugh)

♪

Hey, uh, hang on, Mr. B.

This is my work-work shirt.

I need to put on a work shirt.

You wan... You want to watch this lesson?

Nothing's sexier than guys working with tools.

Oh, yes, there is.

A man who does laundry and makes dinner.

Oh-oh, baby.

Hey, Mike. I'm here.

Well, are you getting handyman lessons, too?

Yeah. I was thinking about it.

And there are some things a man should be able to fix, whether it be plumbing or pastries.

Well, whatever you have to tell yourself.

You know what?

Vanessa's cleaned your tart pan.

(Sighs)

Thank you, Vanessa.

I mean, dried-on cherry crumble is a baker's nightmare.

All right, listen, we're gonna start in the garage, but beware, it doesn't smell like patchouli out there.

Well, it's about to.

So, how'd you talk him into taking your little handyman class?

Well, Ryan is kind of like one of those little Russian dolls.

You know, you take off the top, it's just a series of smaller and smaller hippies...

...till you finally get down to a very little man.

And all of you are doing this?

Is... Is Kyle okay with that?

I hope not.

I'm gonna pit them against each other.

That way, th... they'll learn faster, and the best part is I'll be entertained.

Honey, look.

Competition is not the best way to learn.

Cooperation has been proven to be much more effective.

Right, right.

That's why they fight cage matches to an understanding.

Look, when you're cooperating, you're sharing ideas, and nobody feels like they're losing.

You know, this kind of mumbo jumbo is why the U.S. is rated, what... you know this... 17th in education.

We're looking up to, what, uh, Poland. Poland.

We're looking up to Poland. Hey, hey, hey.

Poland has done a lot of innovative things.

They might start writing jokes about us.

No, no, no.

Americans aren't funny.

When an American walks in to a bar, he just wants a drink.

Look, and c-competition's good for boys.

It worked for Jimmy and me.

Ryan and Kyle are not like you and your brother.

I don't think their main form of greeting is a nut chop.

Competition can push these guys to be their best, just like it was with Jimmy and me.

Although my best is still a lot better than Jimmy's.

When are you gonna stop competing with your brother?

When one of us dies.

And I'm gonna die first, I'm gonna die better, and I'm gonna die faster.

All right. Ready to learn, Mr. B.

Good luck, Kyle. Come on.

And, uh... I'm sorry.

Oh, stop. All right. Here we go.

How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, I think.

Hey, what's Ryan doing here?

Aw, doggone it.

Did I forget to tell you that he wants to learn about plumbing, too?

Listen, I hope you don't mind sharing all of this.

Laying it on pretty thick, aren't you there, Mike?

I kind of have to. We're dealing with Kyle.

What's he laying on?

Hmm?

He's using us, Kyle.

The other day, he was using you to make me jealous, and now, he's using me to make you jealous.

Mr. B. would never do anything like that.

That's exactly what I'm doing, Kyle.

You know what? He's not gonna go for it, Mike.

Hey, if Mr. B. thinks I'm gonna fall for it, I am not gonna let him down.

All right.

Who wants to learn a little bit about tools?

Oh, I do. A lot more than Ryan.

If I know what he's doing, how come it's still working?

Because America is 17th in education.

Eve: Hey, here's the 20 bucks I owe you.

If Mom says she's missing 20 bucks, she's lying.

Oh. Thanks, Eve.

I love you.

(Snickers)

Kristin: (Laughs)

(Clears throat) Uh, Evie, I think your sister just said "I love you."

Um, the very least you could do is say, "thank you."

Okay, listen.

I didn't know he was gonna drop the L-bomb.

He could've given me a warning, like, "Hey, I'm about to say something weird."

Well, you handled it better than Ryan.

First time I told him I loved him, he left the country.

It just caught me off guard.

I thought he was gonna say, "I love cheese" or birds or Zydeco.

Well, why didn't you tell him you love him back?

Do you love him?

I don't know. I really like him.

I mean, how do you even know when you're in love?

Oh, my God, you are in luck, because, uh, I can tell you exactly what love feels like.

Um... (Clears throat)

...there are no words.

Love is... indescribable.

Helpful. Kris?

Yeah, well, people talk about all that crazy passion stuff, but for me, love is work, you know?

Two people doing really hard work...

...and sometimes one person working a little bit harder than the other, which leads to an exciting new feeling... resentment.

Every time you talk, I'm sad.

Uh, okay, so, here's the deal.

Love may be indescribable, but it's also undeniable, and, like, overwhelming, and, like, totally, totally, totally clear.

So, uh, if you're not sure if you're in love or not, you're not.

Eh... Crap. I'm not sure.

Mm. Not good!

What? What?

Well, that can be a real problem, because, soon, he's gonna feel insecure and then start being needy, which is super attractive.

Yeah, and then you're looking at texts in the middle of the night, notes on your windshield, he gives you a "D" in English, you're like...

Uh, the point is, uh, when the feelings of two people are, like, so different... it's really hard to make it work.

And the only humane thing you can do is break up with them.

So, you're saying I should dump him because he loves me?

Yes.

And then, maybe after years of therapy, he'll be the one to say...

Thank you.

Thank you.

♪

All right.

We got through basic electrical and plumbing.

What's the final Band-Aid count?

Two. One.

Five.

You know why? Because you got cocky.

One of the first rules of home repair is knowing when to call in a professional.

And when is that?

Basically, when the guy at the hardware store goes, "Okay, but it's your funeral."

Now we move into a critical area called "problem-solving."

The lawn mower doesn't want to start, so what's the problem?

All right, well, this is probably too obvious, but I guess I'd unscrew the cap thingy and make sure it had gas?

He shoots. He scores!

That's 5 points for the Canuck.

I love it. I love it.

All right, but it still won't start, so we got to clean something.

What's that?

Oh! My hands. No, my hair. Uh, my jeans.

Ah! Air filter.

It's amazing watching his mind work.

Thanks, Mr. B.

I have a process.

What? Saying random words that pop in your head isn't a process.

You're the guy at the bus stop.

I'm gonna grab a beer.

While I'm gone, I want you guys to clean the air filter.

If you don't know how to do it, or where it is, ask the guy at the bus stop.

That's me.

Burn.

All right, well, I bet this is the air filter.

No., Dot just start pulling on stuff.

You'll break it. Oh, okay.

Well, why don't we just do your process?

Cotton balls, unicorns, fishing pole.

Stay out of my head.

You been watching these guys, huh?

Last week, they were staring at an oven.

And now, they're staring at a lawn mower.

You're a genius.

I'm better than that. I'm Geppetto.

To me, everybody's a puppet.

And Geppetto had a lot of free time.

He didn't have a hot wife.

I'm kind of proud of these knuckleheads.

You know, I still think you're wrong.

Competition is not the way to go.

Well then, why are you still trying to win this argument?

Whoa. Uh-oh.

Puppet fight.

That's not a puppet fight.

That's two guys trapped in a car with a bumblebee.

Just... give it to me.

Ryan: Oh! (Crash)

That is a puppet fight.

I just can't believe those two guys got into a fight.

Ugh. (Laughs)

I mean, were there fisticuffs?

More like slap-ticuffs.

"You stop it!"

Wait. And they're still not talking to each other?

What kind of guys punch each other out and stay mad?

I don't know.

I did my job.

I set them against each other.

That's a good idea, Mike.

You know, competition's a great motivator.

Hmm.

That is certainly the philosophy of the Marine Corps.

"Private Jenkins can run 10 miles with Private Murphy on his back.

What's your problem, Larabee?"

Well, did you want to carry Murphy?

Anybody could carry Murphy.

Murphy weighed a buck-twenty.

I had to carry Fat-Ass McGee.

Ohh.

(Both laugh)

Oh, it couldn't have been worse than my Army days.

You were... You were a file clerk.

You say that like it was easy.

Mm. No, no.

It was a different times, my friend.

Yeah.

We didn't have a fancy fax machine, a cute copier.

The carbon... The carbon never goes away, you know?

But you wouldn't know what I'm talking about, would you, Mr. Pink Fingers?

Well, the military understands that, uh, getting guys to fight ultimately brings them closer together.

And my dad knew that. He did that with Jimmy and I.

Who's Jimmy?

Jimmy.

My kid brother, Jimmy.

I talk about him all the time? No, you don't.

That's why I said, "who's Jimmy?"

Okay, look, look.

The problem is that Kyle and Ryan don't know how a family is supposed to work.

I mean, Kyle's dad was a no-show.

Ryan's dad was a horror show. (Chuckles)

Compared to those guys, even you look good, huh?

(Laughs)

How would you like me to show you a pink finger?

So, what are you gonna do?

Well, I've been teaching them how to be handymen.

Maybe I should teach them how to be brothers.

Brothers, yeah.

You never forget your Army brothers, huh?

Yeah.

One of mine was a little Italian guy.

He could crank that mimeo machine all day long, all day long.

When they invented the fax machine, he drank himself to death.

♪

(Knock on door)

Hey, I got your text.

What's up? (Chuckles nervously)

Is everything okay?

Hello. You look well.

I made coffee.

I'll take that as a no.

Oh, um...

...we need to talk.

Is this about the "I love you" thing?

Th-That wasn't even my idea.

My... my brother told me to say it.

Huh?

Yeah. He said girls like that stuff.

(Chuckles) Not this girl.

I blew it, didn't I?

Ugh, I'm such an idiot!

No. Re-Relax. Relax.

You didn't blow it.

You did walk right up to the edge, but it's...

Can I take it back?

Wait. Why?

Did you mean it or didn't you?

I have no idea how to answer that.

Love is hard, right?

I mean, I'm not saying I love you.

I'm not saying that I don't.

I have no idea how to end this sentence.

Can... Can we just ignore everything that happened before?

Yes. Deal.

And if you don't listen to your brother, I'm not gonna listen to my sisters.

Well, I think your sisters are great.

The feeling's not mutual.

♪

All right, guys, uh, sit... sit down for a second.

I want my measuring cups back.

Yeah, well, I want this patch of hair back.

Butthead. Douche canoe.

Well, it's good to see you guys are still talking.

(Scoffs) Mike, why did you even bring us here?

Look, I don't know what you're planning, but you can just forget it, all right?

Your mind games are not gonna work on us.

No games, no tricks, no nothing.

Consider this your graduation.

What's all this for?

Well, I thought you guys would celebrate by making a nice bundt cake.

Okay, I get it.

By having us do something that we love, it'll put our relationship back together.

That's crazy.

Mr. B. would never do that.

That's exactly what I'm doing.

Plus, and most importantly, I like bundt cakes.

You know what?

It's not gonna work, because those days are over.

No, they're not. Those days are just beginning.

You're brothers now.

You're kind of stuck with each other.

My brothers glued me to a dog once.

I feel bad for that dog.

You have terrible brothers.

It's not your fault.

But this family's different.

We fight each other, but ultimately, we fight for each other.

If there's one thing to learn from me, it's at least that.

I do like the new bundt pan.

Well, if you do decide to bake the bundt cake, coat the inside of the pan with clarified butter.

You'll be thanking me at clean-up time.

I'm sorry, Kyle.

I am not gonna let him manipulate me into making up with you.

Yeah. Me, either.

Although, it... it would be nice to finally have a brother I could count on.

Yeah.

Damn it!

How does he always do this?

So, does this mean we're gonna bake?

Absolutely. All right!

Hey.

So, uh... so, how'd it go?

Well, you know how things work around here... things break, I fix 'em.

You know the bathroom door still doesn't shut?

I know. I'll call Kris. She'll take care of it.

Hey, Jimmy. It's me.

I was...

No. Dad's not dead. He's all right.

Just wanted to talk to my kid brother.

Yeah. That's it.

So, big question...

Are you still a dumbass?

Hey. Hey.

Want a piece of bundt cake?

Bundt yeah.

So, uh, Evie, a little birdie told me you're looking for love advice.

Oh, damn it. I knew the cake was a trap.

All right, you got six bites.

All right.

When I was in college, I met a handsome guy who wrote me love poems, brought me wildflowers, and he didn't say "I love you."

He wrote it with rocks.

You know, because... because I love rocks. Mm.

That doesn't sound like Dad.

It wasn't.

That was Jeff.

He tried too hard.

But he had a friend who was a ruggedly-handsome guy, outdoorsy type, who was really into politics.

Dad?

No.

Craig.

He's in jail now, so...

But he knew a crazy Michigan fan who came to an Ohio State game, and he was the letter "G" in the lineup of shirtless, drunk guys.

And that was your father.

I'm not really getting the advice here, Mom.

Yeah, I thought it would come to me, but...

Oh, hey, you know what?

I had 20 bucks on my desk.

Have you seen it?