My Mother the Carjacker

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) it's too nice a day to be outside doing chores. Come in and watch TV. Mom finally stopped caring! Don't go inside! It's a trap! Yes, she must have some kind of super-chore in there. Like getting the rat out of Maggie's room. I'm not fooling around, people. Park your keisters in front of that TV! Now! (LISA SCREAMING) (EXCLAIMING) This counts as a bath! (CHUCKLING) The irrepressible will be buried as soon as his body is found. Now, it's time for the Channel 6 Oops Patrol! This week, one eagle-eyed viewer spotted this hilarious headline. Mayor unveils erection to cheering crowd. This week's Oops Patrol T-shirt goes to Whom? Whom? Mrs. Marge Simpson of Springfield! Ta-dah! Mom made the Oops Patrol! Hot damn! Bart, you're not at school, don't swear. What an amusing T-shirt, Marge. I'll trade you for a tote bag that says "Prozac. " No, thanks. I'm wearing my cure for depression. Come on! Give me that shirt! I'll put you at the top of the heart transplant list. My heart is fine. It could always be a little better. Honey, this is your moment in the sun. And I couldn't be more pleased for your happiness. (WHIMPERS) Why was I born? (STRUGGLING) Oh, T-shirt, bless the loom that fruited you. (GASPS) Homer! Win your own T-shirt! (GROANS) HOMER: Gotta win a T-shirt. Gotta win a T-shirt. Okay, get ready to laugh. "Cranford man missing. " What's he missing? His pants? A train? Gimme a break! Too soon, huh? All right. "Drought threatens to turn west into dessert"! Yum, yum. I think I'd like some whipped cream on my Wyoming. Dad, the word's "desert. " And those farmers are suffering. From what? Too much hot fudge? (LAUGHS) Come on, Bart. Show me some love. Don't drag me down with you, old man. (ELECTRICAL SOUNDS) This is what happens when I go for six hours without sleep. (READING) (LAUGHS) No. (READING) I'll put that in the "maybes. " I gotta get that T-shirt. "World's biggest pizza"? Oh, my God! Marge, wake up! The newspaper's talking to me! Oh, relax. I'm sure it's just your brain going crazy. I wish! Look at this headline! Someone or something knows I love oversized food and short punchy articles. So they hid a message in the first letter of each line. See? "Homer, meet me 4th street overpass midnite. " Wait a minute. This is today's paper! That meeting is tonight! Don't tell me you're actually going. Marge, I don't know what this is. But sometimes you've just gotta go with your gut. You always go with your gut. This time, why don't you listen to your brain? All right, I will. (UKULELE MUSIC PLAYING) That's why I don't listen to my brain. And away we go! (GROANS) Psst. Hey, pal. Hey, buddy. Wake up. You want to go on an adventure with your old man? No. You have no choice. There's coffee in the thermos. This is boring. Can't we go home? This overpass smells like urine. They all do. Fresh urine! Hey! The bathroom's a block away! (ZIPS PANTS) MONA: Homer Simpson? (BOTH SCREAM) (HOMER SCREAMING) MONA: Still my little crybaby. I'll save you, Dad! Karate! Grandma! Oh, Bart. Are you still a little hell-raiser? Yes'm. Mom, you're back! Just like you were back before. Then you left me again. I love you so much! But it's so hard for me to trust you. What the heck. Give me a hug, you. Homer, you're hugging a bum. I know. I'm working my way up to you. Hey, gimme back my wine! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Sorry about all the cloak and dagger, Homer, but the government is still after me for what I did in the '60s. They're probably tapping your phones and reading your mail. I think the government has better things to do than to read my mail. Most people write letters to movie stars. This Simpson guy writes to movies! "Dear Die Hard, you rock!" "Especially when that guy was on the roof. " "P. S. Do you know Mad Max?" To reach you, I called up my friends in the liberal media and planted that story about the giant pizza. You sure know me, Mom. Pizza was the first food he choked on. Aw So why are you back in town? I saw this macaroni pencil holder Homer made me, and I realized how much I missed him. I made this when I was five. I had to do something. Your pencils were all over the place. Hey, it was the '60s. (ALL GASP) Is that fugitive radical Mona Simpson? Yeah. And that's Tokyo Rose mopping the floor. Hey, Joe! Your girlfriend sleeps with Tyrone Power! Chief, I think we've got a match here. All right. Let's check it out. But if you're wrong, you and Lou have to kiss each other. Hey, Chief, I checked with the union. You can only do that once. Oh. Cora, is there a back way outta here? Not for someone who tips 9%. Fine! Right through there, Santa Claus. Mom, I swear on your eventual grave, I will never ever let the police get their hands on you! Uh-oh. You guys are damn lucky. All you destroyed were bricks, mortar and attorneys. Remember me as a drain on society. Captured '60s radical, Mona J. Simpson, goes on trial today on decades-old charges of sabotaging the C. Montgomery Burns Germ Warfare Lab. For those of you too young to remember the '60s, here's our stock montage. (ALL ALONG THE WATCHTOWER PLAYING) You bet your sweet bippy. What a shrill, pointless decade. During her years on the I am, Simpson led an exemplary life working as a crossing guard, oral historian, reader for the blind, listener for the deaf and reacher for the short. Yet local villain, Montgomery Burns, seen here terrorizing children in a 19th century woodcut, insists that she stand trial. Kent, I want everyone in your radio picture audience to know that this woman is a menace to decent people and germ warriors everywhere! End communication. (GAVEL SLAMMING) Now, Lisa, would you agree that your grandmother is a sweet, harmless woman who could hardly be considered a menace to society? Definitely. If you ask me, she's far less dangerous than Bart. If it please the court, I would like to go ape on my sister. I object. Judge, sidebar? Very well. Judge, do you have a little sister? Yes. She used to call me "Fatty Boomalatty. " I'll allow an lndian burn. Thank you, Your Honor. LISA: Ow! Your Honor, can you please focus on the case at hand? I'm sorry. My wife left me this morning. Now, I'm not a man who's good with words. You gotta say something. She's looking at 20 years! And my legal license expires in 15 minutes. I barely know my mother. And every time I see her, she's taken away again. And when a man doesn't have his mother, he winds up like me. ALL: Aw I mean, I'm due back in this same courtroom three times today. Hell, I torched a blood bank! One cookie, my ass! Please, please give me back my mommy! (CRYING) Your Honor, there is no way we can find this defendant guilty! Although I will miss the jury room cold cuts. And the Quality lnn more than lived up to its name Case dismissed! business center, workout room, an honor bar I was honored to use That's enough. And Peggy in the coffee shop, what a pistol. A mere nod in her direction, and the refill was in the mug! The jets in the whirlpool anticipated my every move when it was working. And $3 for a local call? They should be the ones on trial! Oh, Mom, I'm so happy! I never want to let you go! Mom, I never want to let you go! I'm not your mother. Look, lady. Just keep hugging till we get to Mexico. Mother. Go hug your floozy. Mother, she's right here. She knows I'm kidding. I'm not kidding. Curse that groovy granny! This is America! Justice should favor the rich! Sir, maybe you could use a few huffs from your ether bottle. (INHALES DEEPLY) Oh, man, that's good E. Well, now that I'm free, I intend to be a better mother to my son. Woo-hoo! I can be a little boy again! A boy who gets some on the side. Baby! Now you're free to come back to me. Dad, you testified against her. I read a book that said women like jerks. But the mother and child reunion Is only a motion away Oh, little darling of mine I can't for the life of me Remember a sadder day Look, Mom! Look! I'm riding by myself! (CAR HORN) (SCREAMING) (GRUNTING AND GROANING) Homer, this really isn't necessary. You weren't around for the birth of your grandson. And I want you to see it. (MIMICKING BABY CRYING) Ain't I cute? You owe me a dirt bike. Hey, guys. I brought my mom. Lenny Leonard? I haven't seen you since you were this high. I can jump off the high dive! Carl Carlson. I remember when you, Lenny and Stevie McGregor were like "The Three Musketeers. " Yeah. Poor Stevie. They never found his head. Mrs. Simpson, when you took off, you left a hole in Homer's heart that he's been trying to fill with alcohol for 20 years. God bless ya. Welcome to your room, Mom. I want you to stay here forever. Homer, it's perfect. Doesn't this armoire belong to Mr. Flanders? You stole this entire room from Ned Flanders' house! Oh, well, you snooze, you lose. But could I have my photo albums back? Now get out of my house! And so in the spirit of fence-mending and grudge-not-bearing, I hereby rename the Burns Germ Warfare Lab, the Grandma Simpson Peace Museum and Kid-teractive Learnatorium. Grandma Simpson, will you be the first to sign the museum's guest book? It'd be a real pleasure. You know, when I was on the run, I always had to sign a fake name, like when I visited a state park. Indeed, how about a national park? Why yes. I've got it all on this dictabelt. Move in, boys! What's going on? Supplying false information on a national park register is a federal offense, which you've committed at every national park from Acadia to Zion. You're going away for a long time, Mrs. Simpson. Or should I call you "Anita Bonghitt"? No! I can't lose my mother again! Don't take her away! (TIRES SCREECHING) Stop messing with him. The man lost his mother. Just one more time. Okay, it is pretty funny. (TIRES SCREECHING) Mother, you had me But I never had you I wanted you But you didn't want me Dad, I'm just as sad as you are. What happened to Grandma is an outrage. How do you figure? She was acquitted! Then they put her back in jail on a technicality! You're right. People should only be let out of jail on technicalities. Well, they're transferring Grandma to a federal prison tomorrow. I say we hit 'em where they live with a candlelight vigil. Candlepin bowling? That's a great idea. We'll play right after I break your grandmother out of prison. (SINGING) I fought the law and the law won Now just the innocent! I fought the law and the law won Now just the really innocent! (LAUGHING) I hope this bus ride never ends, 'cause I'm getting executed when I get off. Okay, boy. Flip through those highway warnings till we find one that'll stop that bus. Next. Pass. Boring. Aw Ha-ha, loser! Geez, pal. Will you look at that? (TIRES SCREECHING) (GUARDS COUGHING) Homer, what on earth are you doing? Mom, I love you. I can't let you go to prison. Who's the wheelman, granny? It's my son, Homer. ALL: Aw Oh, isn't he darling? He's a big one. Oh, stop it. Take care, ladies. I'm sure you can make it back to the prison on your own. We will. You're all right, Donut Breath. You're like the son I never killed. Mom, I'm gonna hide you where there's no one around for miles. Disney's California Adventure. (SIRENS BLARING) BOTH: D'oh! Homer, get out now and no one will ever know you're involved. No! You're my mother, and I won't leave you! If you stay here, you'll be abandoning your family the way I abandoned you. Yeah. That did mess me up pretty bad. But I'm not gonna leave you! I see you've made your choice. I love you, Homer. (ELECTRICAL ZAPPING) That's lucky. (SCREAMS) Brambles! Briars! Nettles! Thorns! Granny to the Man. Granny to the Man. This is "the Man. " "I think it'd be a gas if you turned that magic bus around" "and kept on truckin' to our pig pad. " I don't know what you're saying. But I am not turning back. Then listen to me, lady. The only way you're getting off this mountain is in a box or a funicular. What about a hot air balloon? Pipe down, Jules Verne. Go, Mom! You can do it! No! There's still air in that bus. So for the next five minutes, this is a rescue mission. (EXPLOSION) Make that a salvage mission. (RUMBLING) Okay, everyone take some free time, and we'll see you tomorrow at 10:00. Grandma, you'll always be an inspiration to me. You taught me a criminal can evade the law well into old age. Thanks for the meatloaf recipe, I claim it as my own. Mona, I'll always remember raspberry trolley cars. Because my mind is shot. Your last act as a mom was to make me a better dad. But at least now, I'll never lose you again. (TIRES SCREECHING) Look out! (EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION) Homer, it's 2:00 in the morning. I couldn't sleep because I thought there might be a sign of my mom in one of these articles. They never did find her body. Then what was in the coffin? Last week's garbage. I missed the pickup date. But it doesn't matter, because my mom is alive! See? I am o Kay. Get it? "L am okay. " Okay, Homie. If it makes you feel better, I think your mom's all right, too. Hey, as long as we're thinking about her, Grandma's still alive. Come on, big guy. This'll help you get to sleep. MONA: Homer, your mother loves you. I escaped from the bus the moment before it plunged off the cliff. I then hitched a ride from a nice young couple. We had lunch at a lovely diner. They had clam chowder, Rhode Island-style. I never knew there was such a thing. And the crackers kept on coming. English - US - PSDH