Scare Necessities

(Setting: The Skull and Dagger. Hamar walks through the crowded tavern. His stomach growls.)

Hamar: Sandwich! Innkeeper: Sandwich!

(A server walks by, a cooked chicken on his tray. The Innkeeper steals the chicken from him, then steals two slices of bread from another thief to make the sandwich. He turns to spread a condiment on the sandwich; a different thief steals the sandwich from the Innkeeper and sneaks away. He nearly escapes, but a dog comes from behind a curtain and takes the sandwich into its mouth. The dog passes Hamar, who replaces the sandwich with a bone. Hamar lifts the sandwich to take a bite, but a man's foot appears from off-screen and tries to steal the sandwich.)

Hamar: Wuh?

(The foot grabs Hamar's nose and squeezes it, then reaches into the sandwich and takes the chicken. Hamar grabs the man's ankle before he can escape.)

Hamar: No one steals from Hamar! (He sees his attacker, Amin Damoolah)  A-ha! Amin Damoolah:  What? This is not my foot. Hamar: Butterfingers! (His face turns red and smoke escapes his mouth. He dangles Amin upside down by his ankle.) Amin: My name is Amin Damoolah! And that is not my foot. Hamar: Oh? (he smiles deviously)  Then you should not feel it when I do this! (He takes the slices of bread and remakes the sandwich, the chicken still attached to Amin's foot. He takes a bite.) Amin:  (In obvious pain)  Feel... what? Thief 1 : Oooh, floorshow! Thief 2:  Pain! Thief 3:  Let's watch!

(The thieves leave their tables and surround the two men, whooping and hollering for Hamar. Across the room, Iago and Abu rise from the inside of a pot)

Hamar: Real thieves do not get caught, Butterfingers!

Iago: Amin Damoolah, king of pain. (He sees a table covered with treasure)  Just the distraction we need. Abu: Uh uh! Iago: What? Stealing from thieves isn't stealing. It's reorganizing. Uh, for a profit.

(Iago flies over to the table. Abu shrugs, then joins him. Iago picks up bags of treasure and loads them onto Abu's back.)

Iago: Besides, we wouldn't have to do this if we got some palace perks once in a while.

Hamar:  (Ties Amin's legs together)  I call it slipknot!

(Hamar throws Amin into Iago and Abu; the two fly into the air and crash back down onto the table. They see Hamar's angry face; their jaws drop to the table)

Iago and Abu:   (Wave to Hamar)  Hello...

(Setting: Outside the Skull and Dagger. Iago and Abu run out of the building)

Hamar:  (From within)  Get them! (Amin exits, still tied up and bouncing along on his hands) Amin: Halt, I am giving chase! (The other thieves stampede out of the club, trampling Amin. The thieves follow Iago and Abu through the alley, swords drawn.)

Iago: In here!

(Iago and Abu duck into a shop. The thieves run past the shop, still in pursuit. Iago and Abu try to catch their breath, when someone reaches out and taps Iago on the back; he yelps and runs over to Abu).

Iago: It's all his fault! He made me do it! Bad monkey! Aladdin: Do what, Iago? Iago: Al? What are you doing here?

(Genie appears with a blue, revolving light on his head. He uses his tail as a microphone)

Genie: Attention Genie Mart shoppers! Blue Genie special on aisle 12! Aladdin: We're shopping. Iago:  (Flies onto Aladdin's shoulder)  So, what are we shopping for? Aladdin: A gift for Jasmine. (Knocks away a spider web)  But the only thing I'm likely to get in this place is the creeps. (Walks by a hanging pot of water, with a brain inside) Genie:  (Standing by a large plant)  Nonsense, Al. Look, here's a nice ordinary ficus. Easy to care for, just add water!

(Genie makes a watering can appear and waters the plant, which tries to eat him. Genie fights to get out of its grip. Meanwhile, Abu walks on top of a counter, past a fancy, teal-and-gold box, and up to a scary tribal mask. Abu imitates the mask, then walks away, laughing. The box jumps; Abu turns around to find the source of the noise. He dismisses it, turns around, and it happens again. Abu scratches his head.)

Aladdin:  (Inspecting a pot)  Genie, maybe Jasmine would like a nice locket. Genie: A locket? What makes you think so? (He fights the plant; a ham is his weapon) Aladdin: She's been dropping little hints. Genie: Oh? What kind of hints? Aladdin: Oh, like, like, whenever she sees a locket she points and screams "I want one!" Genie:  (To the plant)  Here, boy! Go get it! (Genie throws the ham; the ficus pursues it)  Locket schmocket. Rover fetches!

(Abu still looks for the source of the noise. He walks past the box; it jumps. Abu sees it, and points to it angrily)

Abu: Why, you...

(Abu picks up a mallet and tries to smash the box, but the Mystic, the owner of the shop, grabs it from him)

Mystic: You break it, you bought it. Aladdin: What'd you find, Abu? (Picks up the box)  It's nice... Mystic: It's not for sale! So back off or I'll feed you to my ficus! (Abu blows a raspberry. The Mystic walks away) Aladdin: We were just looking for a gift. Mystic:  (Interested)  How much you got? (Aladdin holds up a pouch of coins. The Mystic yanks it from him, weighs the contents in her palm, then looks inside the bag)  Maybe I can dig up something in the bargain bin... (she disappears behind a curtain)

(Aladdin follows the woman, annoyed.)

Genie: ...ok, so she needs work on her customer relations.

(Aladdin and Genie go into the next room)

Iago: You know, this gift giving business could be our chance to get in good with the princess. Abu: Huh? Iago: We give Jasmine a little token of our esteem. She lets us in on a few palace perks. You know... caviar, manicures, a reclining chair that vibrates. And we never have to mess with those bezerkoids at the Thieves' Guild again. And all you have to do is steal it. (He indicates the box). Abu: Uh uh! Iago: What's the problem? The hag insulted you! And you know she's back there giving Al the business right now.

Aladdin:  (Off-screen, yelling)  Forty shekels for a gift wrap?! Iago: See?

(Aladdin, Genie, and the Mystic emerge; Aladdin carries a large, gift-wrapped box)

Genie: She'll love it, Al. Trust me. Aladdin: I don't know. Maybe I should have gotten her the locket... (Aladdin and Genie exit, Iago behind them) Iago: A pleasure doing business with you! (laughs) Mystic: The pleasure is all mine. (She laughs, turns, and gasps- the box is gone)

(Setting: Alley. Abu is behind Aladdin and Genie, carrying the box in front of him.)

(Setting: Palace, outside. Aladdin presents the gift to Jasmine; Genie watches)

Jasmine: A gift? For me? Oh, Aladdin, you shouldn't have!

(She rips open the gift, then reaches into the box and pulls out a large, stuffed yak. She smells it and throws it back into the box.)

Aladdin: It's a stuffed animal. Jasmine: Stuffed with what? It stinks! Genie: Actually, it's a yak decoy! Yaks just love that musky odor. (leans into the box and takes a deep breath)  Whoa! (He stands upright. Hairs sprout on his chest)  Puts hair on your chest. Iago: A-hem! (He and Abu stand across from the others, beside the stolen box.)  I have also brought you a gift, princess! Abu: Hey!

Iago: Eh, it's from the both of us. Jasmine:  (Approaches them)  Why, Iago, it's beautiful. (Picks up the box)  I-I don't know how to thank you. Iago: Let's just say you'll owe us one. Aladdin: Hey, wait a minute! I know that box. (Jasmine opens it a bit and peers inside. Something within makes a noise and backs away.)  I was going to buy that for you! (He approaches Jasmine; Iago panics, steps forward, and trips him.)

Jasmine: Aladdin!

(Aladdin falls into Jasmine and the open box, which escapes her grip and bounces away. Jasmine steps over Aladdin, still on the ground, to retrieve the box, when a locket appears in Aladdin's hand.)

Aladdin: ...a locket?

(Jasmine, about to pick up the box, sees the locket, gasps, and approaches him)

Jasmine: Aladdin! (She takes the locket from him and examines it)  It's just what I wanted! (She bends down and kisses him, his face bewildered. She puts the locket on and twirls) Iago: How'd he do that?! Aladdin:  (Stands up)  Thanks for the locket, Genie. Genie: Wasn't me. Aladdin: Then, who? How?

Iago:  (By the box, with Abu)  Get a load of the craftsmanship on this baby! Check out the roomy interior! (Struggles to open it)  Roomy interior. (To Abu)  Hey, ya wanna help me here? Ah!

(The box flies open, sending Abu and Iago to the ground. A creature runs out of the box and hides under a pile of pillows. Gifts appear in Iago and Abu's hands— caviar for Iago, a banana parfait for Abu).

Iago: Caviar? Banana parfait? (Holds up his foot)  And a manicure. Whoo! We were just wishin' for this stuff! (looks around)  Where's my chair?

(Aladdin and Jasmine approach the creature) Jasmine: Come on out. We won't hurt you. (The creature shakes his head and backs away. Jasmine stands; she has an idea. She walks away) Iago: This stuff can't be real. (Abu takes a bite of his parfait. He smiles, then dumps the entire thing into his mouth). Jasmine:  (Returns, with fruit)  Are you hungry little critter? (Jasmine holds out some grapes. The creature considers, then leaps from his spot and onto Jasmine's arm. She feeds him)  Iago, Abu, he's adorable!

Iago: First the locket, now this stuff. That animal's got something to do with it. But how?

(Rajah approaches. He growls when he sees the creature with Jasmine. The creatures notices him and yelps; a steak appears before Rajah. He takes it and leaves.)

Iago: It happens when he gets scared. He makes stuff appear so he can get away. Abu: Huh? Iago: Every time the little squirt gets spooked, he grants a wish. The locket, my caviar, Rajah's dinner. Whatever's your heart's desire. Abu: And my parfait! Iago: Yeah, even your banana parfait.

(Abu runs over to the creature. Aladdin and Jasmine, looking amorously at one another, don't notice him. Abu jumps down and startles the creature; a banana parfait appears. Abu eats it.)

Iago:  (Rubs his wings together)  Just a little scare and I can get anything I want. (Devious)  I am so happy.

(Setting: Jasmine's chamber, night. Jasmine sleeps, the creature beside her. Abu reaches onto the bed and grabs the creature. A banana parfait appears. Abu eats it off camera, then throws the yak decoy into the creature's spot on Jasmine's bed. She rolls over, but continues to sleep, putting her arm over the yak.)

(Setting: Aladdin's hovel, morning. Iago jumps around and tries to scare the creature. Iago "roars," then coughs. The creature rolls on the floor, laughing.)

Iago: Ahem! Stop with the laughing, already. What, you think I'm funny? Do I amuse you?! (Approaches the creature)  I'm not funny. (Holds his wing up to his mouth, like a vampire would his cape. He speaks, ala Dracula)  I'm very scary. Really. (His own voice)  Ask anyone! (The creature giggles)  You dirty little... (he stomps away, then pauses, with an idea)  ahhh, element of surprise. (He paces, nonchalantly, then turns and leaps into the creature's face, jumping around and making "scary" noises. The creature watches him, a smile on his face. After a few seconds of his, Iago holds his throat, dizzy). Can't breathe.

(He lays on the ground, panting. The creature comes over and licks his cheek.)

Iago: Yeck! (Wipes the saliva away, then sits up)  OK, tell me, what am I not doing right?!

(Across the room, Abu, now fat, sits surrounded by empty parfait glasses. He stands and wobbles over to Iago and the creature; he makes a funny face and the creature screams. A banana parfait appears; Abu eats it.)

Iago: Ah, life is so unfair! (Iago throws himself at the creature's feet, begging)  I don't wanna be your friend! I want gifts, big expensive gifts! Please, fear me!

(Outside the window, a siren sounds and a red light flashes. Genie is beneath the hovel, dressed as an officer and riding a floating motorcycle.)

Genie: This is Missing Pets Patrol. We have the hovel surrounded!

(Iago throws a blanket over the creature. Genie enters the hovel, his finger pointed at Iago).

Genie: Come out with your critter up! (Turns into a beauty contestant)  Oh, I'm employee of the month! Oh, just like I've always wanted. I really don't deserve it... well, maybe I do. I just never expected it! Iago:  (Looks around; to Abu)  Hey, where'd the Squirt go? (Squirt, still under the blanket, tumbles out the hovel window. Iago runs to him and hangs over the edge)  Gotcha! (He comes back up, but is holding only the blanket. He screams and looks outside to see Squirt land in a cauldron, which rests atop a cart.) Driver:  Giddy up! (The cart moves forward. Squirt pokes his head out of the cauldron, whimpering.)

Iago:  (gasps)  My livelihood! Genie:  (Notices Abu's weight gain.)  Abu! You didn't... eat him? (Abu burps) Iago: Eat? Great idea, Abu's famished. (Picks Abu up with his feet and flies out of the hovel)  If we spot the pet, we'll send up a flare!

Abu: Bye bye! (Iago sinks under Abu's weight) Iago: Whoa!

(Setting: Outside the Skull and Dagger. The driver and another man bring the cargo into the tavern. The cauldron is still outside; Squirt knocks it over and peeks out. He sees no one and sneaks away. A shadow appears over him.)

Innkeeper: A rat! Would make a nice sandwich! (He reaches for Squirt; there's a flash and a large sandwich appears in the Innkeeper's hand)  ...and that's a nice sandwich!

(Squirt sneaks into the Skull and Dagger. He tumbles down the stairs and runs to find a hiding place. He runs into a thief's leg; a large jewel appears in that man's hand.)

Hamar: In the name of Ali Baba!

(Squirt keeps running; other thieves receive treasure as he passes.)

Hamar:  (Picks up Amin, who had been on all fours behind him). You see, foot stool? The mark of fine thieves. Their plunder appears as if by magic! (Drops Amin, who notices Squirt). Amin:  (To himself)  Oh, as if by magic creature!

(Squirt hides behind a barrel. Amin approaches him, a wicked smile on his face. A pile of coins appears in front of him.)

Amin: Thank you, little gift giver. (He reaches out to Squirt.)

(Setting: Outside the Skull and Dagger. Abu and Iago see the cauldron Squirt landed in and investigate. Abu lifts the lid and notices Squirt isn't inside).

Abu: Uh oh! Iago:  (Notices where he is; throws his hands up to his temples, petrified)  Not the Skull and Dagger!

(Setting: Inside the Skull and Dagger. Amin sits alone at a table, a upside down pot in front of him. He lifts the pot slightly; Squirt is inside.)

Amin: Boo! (A pie appears.)  Pie! (Amin picks it up and sniffs it)  Oh, how I've always wished to taste pie! (He stands, dancing merrily with the pie)  The countless times I've failed to filch them from windowsills. This is the happiest day of my—

(He twirls and hits Hamar in the face with the pie)

Amin: Life. Hamar: This is the last day of your life, Butterfingers! Amin: Don't hit me! (Backs away) Hamar: Oh, and if I do?

Amin:  (He backs up to the table, reaches under the pot, and picks up Squirt)  I'll... eat him! Yes, that's what I'll do. So don't come any closer, ok? Hamar:  (Approaches)  I am coming closer!

(Amin holds up Squirt, who still faces Amin. Squirt screams, then smoke appears. From the smoke, a large green monster growls.)

(Setting: Outside the Skull and Dagger. Iago paces; Abu watches)

Iago: Ah, ok, let's review. Out here, safety and poverty. In there, prosperity and death. (Crosses his arms)  That's it, I'm not going in!

(The thieves, led by Hamar, flee the Skull and Dagger) Hamar: Run! Iago:  (watches them run away, then looks toward the Skull and Dagger)  ...ok, I'll go in.

(Setting: Inside the Skull and Dagger. Amin sits at the table again, Squirt in front of him.)

Amin: What a little mind reader you are! (Rubs his hands together, gleefully)  Oh, I've always wanted to do that to them! Iago:  (Appears in the doorway)  Party's over, Butterfingers! I'm here to get the Squirt back.

(Amin and Squirt look at him for a moment, unsure. Amin grabs Squirt.)

Amin: Nobody calls Amin "Butterfingers!" Iago:  (he walks toward Amin)  Oh, I'm so scared! What are you gonna do, fall on me? (The monster is behind Iago; he nudges him with his snout. Iago continues, not looking back)  Don't stop me now, Abu, I'm on a roll! Ya see, nobody scares my rodent but me, Amin! (The monster walks behind him. Iago notices and stops. The monster runs into him. Iago, still not looking back, wipes off his feathers)  Stop with the hot breathing, Abu, you're wrinkling my feathers! (Iago sees Abu, who points toward the monster. Iago turns; the monster roars)  Nice doggy! Amin: Sic 'im.

(The monster roars again. Iago hides behind the bar and as close to the wall as possible. He sees something beside him; he looks into a mirror, screams, and flies onto the bar, beside the monster. Iago screams and flies away, but the monster grabs with him with his tongue.)

Iago: Whoa! (Being pulled into the monster's mouth)  Easy fella, that's a good dragon!

(Amin and Squirt watch. Squirt screams and wriggles out of Amin's arms. He jumps, hits the monster's tongue and frees Iago. The two stand before the monster, Squirt in front of Iago. The monster approaches)

Iago: Don't just stand there, give him something! (He shakes Squirt)  This is no time to be brave, be scared, be scared!

(Squirt gulps. The monster roars. Squirt screams; a roasted chicken appears in front of the monster. He begins to devour it. Iago grimaces)

Iago: That's a little close to home...

(Amin runs into the scene and kicks the chicken away from the monster)

Amin: No, no, no! Stupid beast!

(The monster growls; Amin, realizing what he's done, laughs nervously and raises his hat in salute to the monster. He runs, the monster in pursuit. They run in a circle, until Amin tricks the monster and traps him outside. Amin braces himself against the door; the monster bangs into it, but remains trapped. Amin slaps his hands together; a triumphant theme plays. Iago and Squirt look at each other, then Iago gets an idea. He knocks on the floor.)

Iago: Mind getting that Amin? Amin: No problem!

(Amin opens the door. He gasps; the monster grabs him with his tongue. Iago slams the door, then he and Squirt brace it. Iago laughs, listening to Amin struggle.)

Amin:  (from outside)  Let me in! Oh no! Nice dragon, nice little dragon! Such a pretty little nice dragon!! (The sound of tearing clothes)

Iago: Whatta team! We did it, Squirt! You mind if I call you Squirt? (The two hug. Squirt licks Iago's beak)  Ah, right. How about a sarsaparilla? (The two go over to the bar. Iago fills an over-sized mug with sarsaparilla and slides it to Squirt)  You know, we need to figure out a way I can scare some wishes out of ya. (Iago gets himself a sarsaparilla)  I mean, I don't want to give you a coronary. Just a little startle now and then, you know, between friends. (He goes over to Squirt) Here's to a beautiful and profitable friendship!

(The two clink their mugs together, then bury their heads in the drink. They lift their heads up, both covered in foam. Squirt laughs at Iago's "beard;" Iago smiles. A shadow falls over them; they gasp. It's Amin, his clothes torn and his smiley-faced boxers exposed.)

Amin: I'm alright! (He reaches for them)  But you won't be! Iago:  (Amin grabs Iago)  You'll never get away with this. (Iago is thrown into a pot)  Abu's getting help, he runs like the wind! (Squirt notices Genie around a corner; Genie brings his finger over his lip to quiet Squirt). Amin: Back to work, little gift giver. (He picks Squirt up and twirls him)  Thanks to you, I will have all of my heart's desires... like, pie! And it's so easy. I simply say "boo." (He looks around; nothing's happened.)  I said "boo!" (Squirt transforms into a huge version of himself. He growls at Amin)

Squirt: Boo!

(Amin runs out of the Skull and Dagger. Iago screams. Squirt stomps over to him)

Iago: Squirt? (Squirt picks up the pot)  Easy, boy, easy! I was only kidding about all that scaring stuff. Honest! I'm your friend, remember, friend! (he screams)

(Squirt transforms into Genie)

Genie: Gotcha! Iago: I hate you.

(Aladdin, Jasmine, and Abu have entered; Jasmine holds Squirt)

Aladdin: Iago! Iago:  (Escapes the pot)  Phew, boy, am I glad you guys showed up! Good work, Abu. I was just trying to save Squirt from that bully Damoolah. Jasmine: Why did you steal my pet, Iago? Iago:  (flies to Aladdin's shoulder)  Uh... would you believe if you scare him, he grants your heart's desire? Mystic:  (Off-screen)  Not anymore he doesn't. (She approaches Jasmine and points at Squirt, angrily)  He's my pet! (Squirt screams; a glass filled with dentures appears in the Mystic's hands) Iago:  (To Aladdin)  See? Mystic: Give him to me! Jasmine: He doesn't want to go with you! Iago: Ladies, ladies! (To the Mystic)  And in your case, I use the term loosely. Shouldn't we let the Squirt decide what he wants? (Iago flies to the bar)  Come here, pal. (Squirt leaps out of Jasmine's arm and goes to him)  Just think of what you want. Which reminds me, I've got something to show ya. (Iago holds up the mirror and screams; Squirt sees his own reflection, screams, then disappears. Everyone gasps). Mystic: You tricked me! Iago: Correct. Give the crone a prize. Mystic: You... if I ever see you again, I'll feed you to my ficus! (She exits) Jasmine:  (Looks around)  Where... where did he go? Iago: Squirt scared himself. Wherever he is, we know one thing. He granted his own heart's desire. So long, Squirt, I'll miss you. (One tear falls. He puts his hand over his forehead)  And that vibrating chair I never got!

(Setting: An unknown, tropical location. Squirt reclines on a grassy knoll with others of his kind. He eats grapes, a contented smile on his face)