Screwball Live

[alarm blaring] Sometimes my highly tuned Spider-Sense tells me there's trouble. And sometimes I just hear a really loud alarm. [alarm continues blaring] Don't worry, folks. Gonna check on that pesky noise so you can get back to your fancy ribbon-cutting ceremony. Whoa. That's a seriously big hole. Okay, Spidey. [web-shooters discharging] Looks like you're about to take on a whole army of one bald guy? [alarm stops] You do all this damage yourself, shiny? Yeah. Pretty impressive, huh? [Spider-Man] It doesn't add up. You're a big guy, but that wall looks like it was hit by a wrecking ball. And there it is. Man, can I call 'em or what? I should have my own detective show. People call me the Absorbing Man. 'Cause you have paper towel powers? Because I can absorb anything. [grunts] [grunts] Right. Just like paper towels can. You sure you don't wanna go with "Paper Towel Man"? [groans] I promise you no other bad guys are using that name. [grunts] [grunting] [grunting] Insult me all you want. I have thick skin. Or, better yet, sharp skin. Uh-oh. [grunts] [grunts, groans] Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard face! [grunts] [grunts] [both grunt] So, you become what you touch, huh? [car alarm blaring] [car alarm honking] [car alarm blaring] [grunts] [grunts, yells] Let's see what happens when you can't touch anything. Hmm? Now, what do we have here? - Your vacation photos? - Hey, gang! Screwball here! - Screwball? - With another fun fact. It's hard for a CEO to cut the ribbon on his polluting power plant headquarters if he doesn't have the ribbon! Let this be a lesson to all you corporate shills. You never know when you'll be surprised by [grunts] Spider-Man? Mmm. [yells] Metal. [grunting] [screaming] You might want to look [grunts] both ways next time. And you might not wanna stand there this time. Sorry, Spider-Man. I expected those business goons to chase me. [grunts, laughs] - Great. - Smile, Spider-Man. [Screwball's voice] [laughing] Pete, you have got to watch the new Screwball video. Not right now, Harry. I'm working on something. [click] [beeping] Pretty heavy security for vacation photos. Check it out. She totally messes with Spider-Man. - It's hilarious. - Is it? 'Cause thanks to this Screwball character, Spider-Man lost a bad guy. Oh, please! Spider-Man needs to be taken down a peg. [chuckles] This Screwball's my new hero. She's not a hero, Harry. Heroes have power and responsibility. Screwball doesn't have either. Oh, she has power, all right. The power of the Internet. This video's only been up a few hours, and it already has hundreds of thousands of views. - Views aren't power. - They're not? Look around. - You've been Screwballed! - Must be a slow news day. [laughing] Come on! - What's so funny? - Oh, hey, Liz. Just watching Screwball's latest post. Have you seen it? Uh, no, not yet. What are people saying? Do they like it? Oh, yeah. It's by far her best. It has Spider-Man in it. And that's the only reason people care about it. People care because Screwball takes on corruption with cool pranks, - not because it has Spider-Man in it. - Really? Then why does this video have four times as many views as all her others? It does? Well, if involving Spider-Man brings more attention to my causes, then Spider-Man is exactly what my viewers are gonna get. [beeps] Hey, guys. Welcome to Screwball's brand-new Spidey segment. At least once a week, I'll be making a video about Spider-Man. So sound off in the comments, and let me know what you think of the old webhead. - You've been Screwballed! - Agh! - Where is it? - Where's what? I told you to grab everything in the safe. - And I did. - I don't care about diamonds. I wanted the flash drive! [chuckling] Oh, that. Spider-Man got it. You imbecile. That store is a front for The Owl, who was blackmailing me with the information on that drive! - Why didn't you tell me all this? - Because I wanted to keep it simple enough to absorb through your thick skull! The only reason I hired you was so he wouldn't trace it to me! - And stop eating my chips! - I'm not! [yells] Busted. That drive has enough dirt on it to put me away forever, and now Spider-Man has it. You get it back, and keep my name out of it, - or so help me [grunts] - Ow! there won't be enough of you left to scoop up salsa! That's not funny. Spider-Man should leave the crime-fighting to the police [laughter] but keep being part of those hilarious videos. Leave Spider-Man alone. Spider-Man rules! Which is also the name of my Spider-Man fan page. Spider-Man's a menace. I had to look that word up. But once I did, I agreed. A menace! - What are you doing?! - Gotta go. - Hey, Liz. - Hey, Randy. Can we move our study group to Oh, come on! Don't tell me you're a Screwball fan too. Why wouldn't I be? She's great. She's everything that's wrong with the Internet. If she really wanted to make a difference, she'd do something legitimate. - Like your boring blog? - Exactly! I mean It's not boring. In fact, you know that power company she pranked last week? It was one of a dozen businesses bought up on the same day by the same anonymous corporation. I haven't cracked who it is yet, but my gut tells me the Mob's behind it. They have You know what? I'll just send you my story. It's only 35 pages. I'm good, thanks. I just think you're jealous because Screwball gets a ton of hits, and your blog only has three. So what? Screwball's numbers are down too. Without new footage of Spider-Man, she's nothing. Hey, finding Spider-Man is hard. Probably. Oh, I have to go. My dad's speaking a the groundbreaking ceremony for the city's new media building today. Now, he's a real journalist. In fact, every major news outlet's gonna be there, including my blog, thank you very much. Every major outlet, huh? [chattering] Thanks for coming out to support my dad, guys. I didn't even know you knew about this event. Oh, thi [chuckling] Of course we did. And it has nothing to do with the fact that we were across - the street having lunch. - Don't let him fool you, Randy. It's just nice to do something that doesn't involve our competing schools for a change. Well, technically, my dad is lending them an Oscorp worker bot. [Peter] I should've known. Well, maybe you can use a Horizon High pen to write the story. [laughter] [Robertson over mic] Thank you, everyone. Before we break ground, I'd like to say a few words, and though my editor won't believe me, I promise it'll only be a few. [laughter] People always ask if I have any advice for the next generation. If I do, it's this: value your story. Nowadays, anyone anywhere can have an audience of millions. But being seen by those people isn't the same as reaching them. A real writer doesn't care about getting likes, they care about making a difference, whether it's for 100,000 people or just one. [cheering] And now, let's put this big guy to work and break some ground on this new building. What's it doing? [grunts] I'm okay, son. You've just been Screwballed! [crowd] It's Screwball! - This is awful. She could've hurt my dad! - I love your videos! Don't worry, Randy. Her pranks look worse than they are. Right, Pete? Um Pete? [sighs] Typical Parker. You took over the worker bot? - Not cool, Screwball. - Ha! Are you kidding? I'm just getting started. [humming] [music] - Whoa! [yells] - Screwball! No! [screaming] Hold on! [grunts] Thanks for the save, Spider-Man. [beeps] [Spider-Man] What in A billboard? [crowd gasps] You're gonna answer for that one. A bungee cord? [grunts] [groaning in disgust] And cut! Nice work, Spidey. I was hoping for the banner plug, but the quick-drying cement was an added bonus. [grunting] And what if someone out there needed my help while I was preoccupied here with you? Relax, Spidey. This city is full of heroes. I can't help it if my viewers wanna see us together. [grunting] - Spidey, Spidey! - Over here! Give us a smile. [groans] Nice! You've been Screwballed! [laughing] Are you seriously still watching stupid Internet videos? You're supposed to be getting my drive back from Spider-Man! I tried. I broke into another jewelry store to draw him out, but that Avenger Hawkeye showed up instead. I don't want excuses! I want you to find Spider-Man. Your little Internet friend here doesn't seem to have any trouble finding him. - Maybe they're partners, like us. - We are not partners! Although, that's not a bad idea. Really? 'Cause I can move my stuff in tomorrow. I'm talking about the girl. We get the girl, we get Spider-Man. But how do we find him? Look, there's always something. Always something they forget. "Midtown High School. " There! Now get on it! You've just been Screwballed! [crowd laughing, chattering] Not a Screwball fan either, huh? - I thought I was the only one. - No way. The Internet is the most powerful technology in human history, and we use it for prank videos. Such a waste. - Hey, is that a school project? - What? No. - I mean, yes. - An asymmetric encryption key? Mind if I take a look? [beeping] Whoa. You don't see a lot of these. You know what this is? Can you crack it? Are you kidding? This kind of problem solving is my favorite. Here. I'll show you what you're missing. [keyboard clacking] I think what I was missing was you. [boy] Aw. Flash, you're out. Bring me Screwball! [students gasping, murmuring] [boy] Hey, get outta here! You're out! Get lost, freak! Now! [clamoring] [music] Hey! No one's going anywhere! [grunts] [yells] Hey, one of you twerps knows where she is. So tell me. [Randy grunting] Oh, no! Guess this isn't just about me anymore. But maybe I can do something from here. [beeps] Spider-Man, this is Screwball. Got it! I broke the encryption. And we have a bunch of files with scrambled titles, all connected to Hammerhead? Isn't he a gangster? He is. But what do those scrambled titles mean? I don't know, but there are a dozen of these files. [phone humming] [beeps] Anya says we need to check out the new Screwball video. She knows I'm not a fan, so this should be interesting. Spider-Man, this is Screwball. I need you to come to Midtown High right away. I'm in trouble. I hope Spider-Man is watching this. [sighs] It's probably just another prank. That girl will do anything for attention. I'm getting impatient. Hi. Randy Robertson, freelance journalist. What do you want with Screwball [grunts] exactly? Stop stalling! If Screwball doesn't show herself in ten seconds, this guy's gonna be toast. - Come on, Spidey. Where are you? - Ten. - Is it possible he's not coming? - Nine. Eight. - Did I prank him one too many times? - Seven. Six. - [sighs] Okay. I don't need Spider-Man. - Five. Four. - I'm Screwball. I'm just as good as him, right? - Three. Two. - Better, even. - One. Let him go! You're about to be Screwballed! [both grunting] [laughing] Huh? Did you really think you were a superhero? And did you really think you could pull off that tank top? Spider-Man! [grunts] You came! I was worried you thought my video was a prank. To be honest, I was wondering if it might be. But that's the thing about being a hero. You don't get to wonder. Webs! I don't know why [yells] I didn't do this earlier. [grunting] Smothered by webs? Is this irony? Feels like irony. Also feels like a good time to use my web dissolvent. [beeping] [screaming] That wasn't nice! Nice? Now you're worried about being nice? [grunts] [grunts] Aahh! Just give me the flash drive, and I'll let them go! The flash drive! That's what this is about?! I don't have it on me. Do you see pockets? Fine, then. Meet me at the new media building construction site. Be there in an hour, or you'll find a couple of concrete teens waiting for ya. Get to safety! Just a sec. This is gonna get so many likes. [shutter clicks] [chuckles] - This is all my fault. - Now, there's a news flash. But you did put your life on the line to save a total stranger. You're not a stranger, Randy. - You're my friend. - Liz? But why? [sighs] I don't know. I used to feel so special. I was a straight-A student, the class president of Midtown High. But then came genius schools like Horizon High and Oz Academy, and those things didn't seem to be enough anymore. So I became Screwball. Thought I could be a hero to the community. I guess I lost sight of that when I started focusing on Spider-Man. I felt powerful because I had the attention. But I guess it takes a different kind of power to be a real hero. - Well, saving my life was no small thing. - Thanks. Get out! Dangling over a cement mixer? Oh, that's the last time I let you watch the kids. Spider-Man, you made it. Hand over the drive, and nobody gets hurt. Sure. Should I give it to you, or directly to your boss, Hammerhead? Oh-ho, congratulations. You figured out the dumb brute's actually working for me. You want a medal? No. Although there's probably enough metal in your head to give me the gold, silver, and bronze. Just deliver the goods, and we'll let the kids go. Sure thing. - Now let them go. - Oh, that's exactly what I plan on doing. Drop 'em! [grunts] [both screaming] I knew a thug like you couldn't be trusted. But I thought I'd give you a chance before I went to the police with the list of businesses you're using to launder money. - What? Well, how did you - Easy. - Just used the old noggin. - Extinguish that bug! [all grunting] [groans] Oops. Can't I have just one person that does what I need 'em to do? I'll take care of this myself. [grunts] [grunts] See how easily you're replaced, Absorbing Man? Clearly, your boss likes 'em big, bad, and easy to control. [growls] Oh? Then he's gonna love this new power I have. Sometimes I don't know why I open my mouth. [laughing] [echoing] Didn't know I could increase in size, did ya? Hold still. I'll have us outta here in a second. [grunts] You increased in size and strength, but sadly not in looks. [grunts] [grunting] [yells] No! [grunts] I just got an idea. Yo, chrome dome! Over here! [grunts] [electricity arcing] [grunting] That's an impressive ability you have there. Not as impressive as absorbing knowledge, of course. [grunts] I'd pick strength over smarts any day. I figured. Otherwise you would've realized that the metal you just absorbed was lithium. Yeah? So what?! So, lithium doesn't react well with certain compounds. Like your face? No. [grunts] Like water. [sizzling] Huh? [screaming] [screaming stops] - Is he gone? - Sadly, I doubt it. He'll probably pull himself together soon enough. Still, that was amazing! - You saved the day! - With your help. That drive didn't mean a thing until I remembered the story on your blog about the companies that were just bought up. You You read my blog?! Spider-Man is one of my three hits! [thunderous thud] Uh-oh. - [grunts] Spider-Sense. - Whoa! [Hammerhead] I'm gonna crush you like the insect you are! What's wrong with this piece of junk? You've just been Screwballed! Wha You've gotta be Hey! I hate that kid! You've just been Spider-Man ned! [grunting] Hope you got his swan dive on camera. Oh, I got it. Among other things. [grunting] [Screwball's voice] [Screwball chuckles] It's pretty funny. [muffled grunting] Depends on what side you're on. Although today, I was glad you were on my side. But I also started this whole mess. Fixing your mistakes is part of being a hero. - A hero? Me? - After today? Absolutely. [chuckles] That's better than a million likes. Still, maybe it's time I went back to just being me. [sighs] - Liz Allan? - You know who I am? Uh, of course. You're Midtown High's class president. Everybody knows that. [siren wailing] [both gasp] And the perfect person to hand over Absorbing Man to the police. Not to mention Hammerhead. [muffled grunting] So, it turns out the biggest Spidey fail was that I failed Spidey. He was doing the kind of good I set out to do, but I got caught up in the popularity of it all. And I'm sorry about that. This is my last Screwball video for a while. In the meantime, for real news, Randy Robertson's blog has got you covered. So Spidey saved the day. I guess he really is a true hero, huh, Harry? Aw, please! You can't believe everything you see on the Internet, Pete. [sighs] [slurps]