Hooked on a Ceiling

THE ITALIAN RENAISSANCE, A GLORIOUS TIME OF UNPRECEDENTED ACHIEVEMENT IN THE ARTS. AND PERHAPS THE ERA'S GREATEST FIGURE WAS MICHELANGELO BUONARROTI. I'M AFRAID POPULAR CULTURE HAS SUCCESSFULLY ERADICATED THE ACTUAL IDENTITIES OF THE TRUE POETS OF ART. IN MY OPINION, THIS STINKS! HEY, WATCH IT, DUDE. WHAT THE I SHALL DEAL WITH YOU LATER. NOW FOR A BRIEF REALITY CHECK. MICHELANGELO WAS A BRILLIANT ARTIST, NOT A TURTLE. HIS MOST FAMOUS WORKS INCLUDE, THE MARBLE MASTERPIECE STATUE OF DAVID, AND, OF COURSE, THE CEILING OF THE SISTINE CHAPEL. YES, THIS, TOO, WAS CREATED BY THE TORTURED GENIUS MICHELANGELO. BUT EVEN THIS GREAT ARTIS NEEDED HELP TO CARRY OUT HIS VISION. OUT! OUT, YOU INCOMPETENT FOOLS. YOU CALL YOURSELVES ARTISTS? YOU JUST CAN'T GE GOOD HELP THESE DAYS. [PRAYING] [GASPS] AND, YOU! HOW CAN I WORK WITH YOU PEASANTS KNEELING AND MUMBLING? BUT, MICHELANGELO, THIS IS A CHURCH. OH, THAT EXPLAINS THAT INFERNAL BELL RINGING. [BELL TOLLS] SANCTUARY! SANCTUARY! QUIET! [DOOR SLAMS] I MUST BE FINISHED WITH MY GREA MASTERPIECE TONIGH BEFORE HIS EMINENCE ARRIVES. BUT I FIRED ALL MY ASSISTANTS. I'M ALONE. ALL ALONE! [SOBBING] OH, HEAVENLY MUSE, SEND ME SOME HELP! OH, WHOA! [CRASH] IT'S YAKKO AND WAKKO AND OUR SISTER DOT. IF YOU NEED YOUR CEILING PAINTED COME SEE US WE WILL PAINT IT BETTER THAN A GUY NAMED GUS IF IT'S FLAKING AND IT'S PEELING WE WILL RENOVATE YOUR CEILING WE WILL MAKE I SO APPEALING COME SEE US CEILINGS NOTHING MORE THAN CEILINGS WE'LL PAIN ANY CEILING FOR 29. 95. HOW DO WE DO IT? NO OVERHEAD. WHEN WE'RE THROUGH, WE'LL HAVE NOTHING OVERHEAD. IF YOU HIRE US, YOU'LL HAVE NOTHING IN YOUR HEAD. WE PAINT CEILINGS, CEILINGS, CEILINGS. WE DON' PAINT FLOORS 'CAUSE THEY'RE BENEATH US. WHO ARE YOU? YOU HAVE A CEILING THAT NEEDS PAINT. NICE BUNGALOW. THIS YOUR PLACE? YOU FOOLS. I'M THE GREA MICHELANGELO, AND THIS IS THE SISTINE CHAPEL. IF YOU'RE SO GREAT, WHAT'D YOU DO WITH THE OTHER 15 CHAPELS? OUT! OUT! HOW DARE YOU! HUH? THAT TAKES CARE OF THE COMPETITION. GENTLEMEN! START YOUR ROLLERS. A LITTLE TOUCH-UP WILL DO WONDERS FOR THIS PLACE. LET ME IN! LET ME IN! NOBODY GETS IN TO SEE THE WIZARD. NOBODY, NOT NO HOW. I'M MICHELANGELO. [GASPS] THE WITCH'S MICHELANGELO? WELL THAT'S A CEILING OF A DIFFERENT COLOR. [GASPS] AAAAHH! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BEAUTIFUL CEILING? YOU LIKE IT? WE HAD SOME TIME COVERING UP THOSE NAKED PEOPLE. YOU FOOLS! YOU'VE RUINED IT. IT'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE PICTURES. PICTURES? HE WANTS PICTURES. DON'T WORRY, MIKE. OUR MISTAKE. THIS HASN'T HAPPENED SINCE THAT VENUS DE MILO ARMS FIASCO. WHY DON' YOU GO PAIN THAT MOANING LISA, LEONARDO? THAT'S DA VINCI. THAT'S DELIGHTFUL. THAT'S DE-LOVELY. BUT WE GO A CEILING TO PAINT. PICK OU A WALLPAPER PATTERN AND RELAX. WE'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING. WHEN IT COMES TO CEILINGS, WE'RE THE TOPS. AND PICK OU THE LINOLEUM. AND DON'T FORGE YOUR UPHOLSTERY AND BATHROOM FIXTURES. THANK YOU. DON'T YOU WORRY YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEAD. BY THE WAY, NICE TOGA. THIS LOVELY FLORAL PATTERN MIGHT BE JUST-- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! I'LL TEACH THOSE IDIOTS TO FOOL WITH THE GREAT MICHELANGELO. NO! NO! NO! [SOBBING] I'M RUINED. RUINED! I KNEW IT. HE PREFERS THE YOUNG ELVIS. IT IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE THIS. OH! MORE NAKED PEOPLE. I WOULDN'T FLASH THAT AROUND, MIKE. THIS IS A CHURCH. HIS EMINENCE IS COMING TONIGHT, AND I MUS BE FINISHED. PLEASE, YOU GOT TO HELP ME. [SOBBING] YOU EXPECT US POOR, INNOCENT CHILDREN TO CLIMB UP DANGEROUS SCAFFOLDING AND PAINT NAKED PEOPLE ALL OVER A CHURCH? WE'LL DO IT! WE'LL DO IT! BUT NOT FOR THE SAKE OF ART, AND NOT FOR MONEY. WE'RE DOING IT BECAUSE WE LIKE PAINTING NAKED PEOPLE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO PAINT HERE. HIS EMINENCE WILL BE HERE SOON. IT'S HIS EMINENCE. HIS EMINENCE! LOOK, IT'S HIS EMINENCE. HIS EMINENCE IS COMING. GADZOOKS, HIS EMINENCE. DON'T WORRY, MIKE. WE'LL FINISH UP. YOUR EMINENCE. I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD COME. I'VE WORKED SO HARD TO PLEASE YOU. I HOPE YOU LIKE MY CEILING. AAH! I'M RUINED! [SOBBING] I LIKE IT. HEY, MIKEY, HE LIKES IT. PAINTING IS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS. YOU HAVE TO KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE.

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