Goldbergs Feel Hard

Adult Adam: Growing up, my mom made every lunch bag an ornate tapestry of her love for us.

Each morning, she made it her top priority to send us to school knowing that we meant the world to her.

And while none of her kids ever really appreciated her expressions of affection, that didn't stop my mom from constantly declaring how she adored us with every ounce of her soul.

I love you so much.

I love you, too.

I love you.

Mom!

Woman: And the basketball pep rally is after lunch.

Also, Barry Goldberg, your mother loves you.

Beverly: You didn't say it with love.

Barry, I love you. [Laughter]

I love you, Boopie.

I love you so much.

Hey, you, with the window open, tell my baby I love him!

Adam, if you need to make, call me!

I'll pick you up!

My father, on the other hand, was not nearly as effusive.

Why you got to be a moron all the time?

Don't be a moron. Get your ass home.

You're a moron.

Oh, yeah, my dad was miles from sentimental.

Okay, I'm heading off to prom.

Erica, wait.

Can you, uh, get me the remote?

And no matter what we did, my dad was literally incapable of saying "I love you."

Great pass, Bobby! I love you, Son!

Bar! Hey, bar!

I want to beat the traffic!

Catch a ride home with Bobby!

He couldn't even say "I love you" when Erica was accepted into the governor's school, a prestigious summer music program.

But my mother more than made up for it.

And I'm not saying other people don't love their children.

I'm just saying I love mine way more than they love theirs.

So, to sum it all up...

[Voice breaking] ...Mama hawk's gonna miss baby bird.

Here, I bought you a going-away present.

I'm sure you'll look at it every night.

Oh, good. A photo album. [Chuckles]

Not the leather jacket or boots I wanted.

And now your father would like to say a few heartfelt words.

Uh, no, no, no, I'm good.

Your, uh, 20-minute speech covered all the bases.

[Glass clinking] Barry: Speech!

Tell your daughter how you feel.

This is gonna be so uncomfortable.

Mm.

Speech! Speech!

Shut up, Barry! Take the knife away from him.

Erica, you're, uh, my first kid.

Uh, could have been worse.

What he meant to say was that he loves you so much, Baby.

But then my dad really opened his heart.

Sure.

Wow.

Yeah, for him, that's as open as it gets.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪ ♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪ ♪ I don't know the future ♪ ♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was may 13, 1980-something, the day I'd finally profess my love for my girlfriend, and nothing would stop me.

What the hell, dude?! Those aren't for you.

Hey, don't leave a basketball in front of Michael Jordan and expect him not to dunk it.

From downtown!

Idiot. Can't you read?

These are for Dana.

I'm finally gonna tell her I love her.

What?!

Isn't it great?

He's telling his girl he loves her with baked goods.

You can't tell a girl you love her.

It ruins everything. Trust me.

Please don't trust him.

Love is dangerous, and it can hurt people, like a ninja riding on a saber-toothed tiger.

Please don't trust him.

You can't just say it. It makes you look vulnerable.

And she'll lose all respect for you.

Well, I-I got to do something.

Dana and her family are going away for the summer.

W-what if she meets a guy while she's in Seattle?

Why are you worried about some dude from Canada?

You just need to relax and maintain the upper hand.

[Sighs]

I just... Don't want to lose her.

So this is what you do... you march up to Dana.

You gently cup her beautiful face in your hands, look deep into her brown eyes, and attack her one weakness, like, "you got gremlin ears, girl."

Don't do that.

Do that!

Don't do that.

Do that! It's your only choice!

Give me these cupcakes.

Oh, God!

What?

Barry was a man of strong convictions.

Unfortunately, he was never one to follow his own advice.

What do you mean, you got practice until 5:00?

You promised your man you'd watch him do leg curls.

I really didn't, but I will drop by after.

I'll bring you one of those frozen burritos you like.

God, you so get me. I love you.

And in a moment of sheer stupidity, Barry had accidently dropped the "L" bomb.

His only hope was that Lainey didn't hear him.

What did you just say?

But she did.

I said...

You got gremlin ears, Girl.

Barry Norman Goldberg with the save.

While Barry was denying he said the "L" word, my mom was livid that my dad couldn't.

Okay. You're rage-cleaning.

Before you wipe a hole in the counter, tell me what I did.

Why can't you just tell the kids you love them?

You tell them 100 times a day.

How much love do these people need?

I only say it so much to pick up your slack.

Why do I got to say it out loud?

I love bacon, but I never actually say it.

Bacon just knows.

You always say you love bacon.

Well, that is true.

But I tell the kids I love them every day by putting a roof over their heads.

Yeah?

Well, what gonna happen when Erica leaves for the summer?

Where's your fancy love roof then?

Well, you've got a point.

Okay, Bevy, I'll go do my thing.

And that thing was to go sit right in his chair...

Nope.

...And ignore my mom.

You really should go tell your daughter you love her.

You weren't in the room. How do you even know this?

You basically yell everything you say.

And for the record, I completely agree with Beverly.

I'm not saying "I love you."

My dad never said it to me, and I turned out fine.

No, you're the best.

Why are you busting my chops?

"I love you" isn't something a dad says.

Here. Watch me.

What are you doing? Why are you moving in on me?

I love you, Mur.

Ohh.

I love you, Mur.

Ohh.

I love you, Murray Goldberg.

This is a nightmare.

While my dad was being forced to say "I love you,"

I was ready to open up my heart to Dana.

Long before texting, the only way to profess your deepest feelings for a girl was to pen an epic love letter and cooly hand-deliver it into her locker.

Barry: Will you just stop? You've been dodging me for two days.

It's only been two days?

Feels like I've been dodging you for a week.

Ohh! Why did you have to say "I love you"?

It's no big deal. I say it all the time.

Watch. I love you, Dan!

Oh, love you, too, bro.

See? Means nothing.

Hey!

Okay, if anything, you need to stop reading into things.

It's not like I said "I love you more than anything in the world" or that you're my moon and my sun and "if you want to get married right now, I'd run away and never see my family again."

I never said any of those things, so get over yourself.

I have practice, okay? I got to go.

Barry was right.

Saying "I love you" ruined everything.

Lucky for me, I wrote it down and could easily take it back.

Or so I thought.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

There you are.

Aah!

Third-period bell just rang. - Then you should go.

But I got to get my homework.

It's more important to be on time than to have your homework, am I right?

Move it, move it.

No...

While I was trying to keep Dana from knowing I loved her, my dad went to Erica to finally say it.

Hey.

Hey?

You, uh, seem surprised to see me here.

Well, you usually don't make it this far down the hallway.

Yeah, well, it's really not on the way to anything.

So, what do you want? [Scoffs]

I, um...

Was just thinking that, um, you know, you're going away for the summer and all, and...

You know, I don't really say it much.

I, um...

What's happening?

You know, I just wanted to say...

I love you.

What?

[Mumbling]

I luh you. What?

[Mumbling] I luh you.

What?

You heard me.

I really didn't.

[Scoffs]

I'm just saying... Oh, God.

That I, uh...

Love you.

Are you sick or something?

No.

Did you gamble away my college fund?

That's nuts. Where did you get that from?

Well, I know you and mom aren't getting divorced because your survival depends on her.

So what is this? You're freaking me out.

It's nothing, damn it!

I just wanted to say "I love you"!

Okay. Um... Thanks?

So, t-that's it, huh? Is that it?

Okay, all right.

S-so I guess I'll... I'll be on my way.

[Sighs]

Well, I said the thing to the girl.

We can all get on with our lives.

[Gasps] Oh, come on. I want details.

She didn't say it back. They always say it back.

Not in this case.

Maybe you didn't say it right.

I want a do-over, Murray. Go back up and try again.

No do-overs!

I'm never saying those words again.

Don't say that just 'cause your feelings are hurt.

My feelings aren't hurt.

I just discovered that I'm not my daughter's cup of tea.

That would honestly rock me to the core.

Yeah, well, you know.

I mean that's a rejection of you both as a father and a human being.

It's fine.

You'd think she'd say it just to be polite.

Okay, it stings a little. This is your fault.

You set me up.

Well... That was my first and last "I love you" ever!

It was third period, and I was running out of time to rescue my love letter from Dana's locker.

Damn it!

What am I even listening for? The movies lied.

Out of options, there was only one logical choice left... pull the fire alarm. Sure, it was a serious crime. But as long as I played it cool and acted quick, no one would be the wiser.

Goldfarb!

My office! Now!

Son, I've been here a long time, and I've seen a lot of kids pull that fire alarm for a lot of different reasons. What's yours?

Pop quiz in chemistry?

No.

Arousing daydream?

No!

Had a fart that fooled you?

Worse.

Ooh. I'm intrigued.

I have an awesome girlfriend, and I wrote her a letter...

Ka-boom.

The problem is... I stupidly signed the letter "I love you," and now...

Now you're out on a ledge, exposed, with a giant target on your heart.

There are no more dangerous words than "I love you."

Wow. Yeah.

Just 'cause I wear the same tiny shorts every day doesn't mean I don't wear many hats.

Coach knows love good.

I even played the Russian mail-order game, and I did not win.

Let's just say, "Woo! Woo!"

It was an express to sad town.

Coach! Coach! I need your help.

What are you doing?! He's helping me right now.

Go away! I actually got real adult problems.

I want to be a cheerleader.

We've all been there. Why?

My lady. She's been pushing me away.

But you know the saying... if you love someone, you become a male cheerleader and trap them into loving you.

Dang. You Goldbergs feel hard.

You leave it all on the field, just like Coach.

Well, don't worry. I can help you both.

You can help me get my letter back?

You got it.

And I can be a cheerleading man?

Oh, no. No, God, no.

I got one position open, if you got the nards.

I'm looking for a brave soul to be the team mascot.

Well, my soul's the bravest, coach.

While Barry would do anything to stay close to Lainey, my mom was furious with Erica for pushing my dad away.

Mom, stop rage-juicing.

If you want to talk, I'm right here.

How could you?

I've done some questionable things lately, so if you could just say out loud what I did first, just so we're all on the same page.

Your father said "I love you," and you didn't say it back.

Yes. That is definitely the worst thing I've done this week.

Why can't you just say it back to him?

You have no problem saying "I love you" to me.

That's because you say it so much, it's meaningless.

I'm on autopilot.

It's like saying "God bless you" after someone sneezes.

It was a disaster when he said it, and I'm not gonna make it worse.

What if I make it worth your while?

Wait, are you trying to bribe me?

[Scoffs] Please, you wouldn't believe what it would take to get me to do this. Oh.

I'm not saying no.

I'm just saying come in high with your offer.

Is that a new jacket?

It is. I love you, Dad.

Turns out the price of love is $57 plus tax.

Oh, God! She's opening up her locker!

Quick, pull the fire alarm.

Come on, Goldberg.

Pulling the fire alarm is morally reprehensible.

All right, people, impromptu drug search!

Open your lockers!

Think we'll start over here.

I'm searching your locker, Caldwell.

Me? Why?

Well, let's just say I got it on good authority there's a buttload of ludes in there.

What's a lude?

Don't play coy with me.

I know a lude-head when I see one.

All right, let's see here.

Okay, search is over, people!

Let's go! Asses to classes!

Stay clean, Caldwell.

Even though coach Mellor saved me from making the biggest mistake of my life, nothing could save Barry from this debacle.

While my brother considered himself an expert at many things, the fine art of mascot-ing was not one of them.

Turns out the only thing creepier than Barry spying on his girlfriend was the 10-pound, dead-eyed, grinning quaker strapped to his head.

Hey! What are you... back off!

Barry: Chill!

Surprise! It's Barry!

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

I'm the fighting quaker!

I thought dressing in a giant, rubber Donald sutherland head would be the perfect way of making things less weird between us.

This makes things so much weirder.

Please, just go.

Only if you say "I love you" back so it makes things even.

Go on.

[Muffled] Tell me you love me.

My eyes are in my mouth, so say it right here.

I'm sorry, Barry. I'm not gonna say it.

Ouch.

She doesn't love you, bro.

[Bleep] Off, Lyle and Kyle.

Whoa!

Easy!

I will throw you, Bro, and not in a cheerleading way.

[Whistle blows] All right, bring it in!

Cheerleaders and mascot, too.

Big away game at central high tonight.

Heated rivalry, big stakes.

That means some of you are going to get hurt.

Sprained ankles, jammed fingers, not to mention guaranteed off-the-court attacks on some of our support personnel.

I'm sorry. What, now?

I thought you knew about this.

Last year, some of our more passionate fans laid a swift beatdown on their mascot, Bobby the beaver.

Tonight, revenge hangs like a thick fog over the entire squad, although some of us might be wearing cumbersome, vision-hindering costumes, which will make us even more of a target than the others.

Uh, coach?

Yes? Our brave, doomed quaker has a question.

I know you're giving us a general pep talk and all, but it feels directed mostly toward me.

Oh, my God, Barry. Take off the stupid costume.

They're gonna break every bone in your body.

My heart bone's already been broken, girl.

That's the spirit. Give Barry a hug before you go.

It may be some time before you get a chance to do it again.

Not a good time, Dan.

Even though my mom bribed Erica to say "I love you," she was so giddy with the results that she doubled down.

Dad! There's my guy!

Just wanted to say I love you.

I love you so much.

She really does.

What the hell's going on with you two?

Nothing. I just love you, man.

Did you put her up to this? First the jacket, now new boots?

Are you buying her leather goods so she'll say "I love you" to me?

[Laughs]

[Singsong voice]: Guilty!

[Laughing] Come on.

I am guilty. Yes.

Stop pulling strings, Dad! I love you. Just drop it.

Well, I don't accept it.

What? You can't reject my love.

Oh, I reject it. I reject it but good.

Take it. Take the "I love you."

Just take it, Murray. It's love. Take it.

No. She's using it as a weapon.

I love you!!

[Gasps] See? It stings doesn't it?

Oh, you want it to sting?

I love you! Take that.

Is that all you got? I love you!

I love you so much! Eat it!

I love you more! Boom! In your face!

Shut your mouth, 'cause I love you more!

I love you to infinity!

I love you!

My love knows no bounds all the way to infinity!

Aah!

Aah!

While my dad and Erica were using love as a weapon, my brother was at our rival high school with a target on his back.

The fighting quaker didn't have a fighting chance.

All: [Chanting] Kill the quaker!

[Rhythmic clapping] Kill the quaker!

Oh, my God! Barry, that's you!

You're the one they're gonna kill.

Dude, just hide on the bus. That's what I do.

A sane man would have listened, but my bro was anything but sane.

No! No hiding!

I'm gonna go out there!

It's the least I can do after you all took me into your cheerleading family, especially you, Lyle.

Not you, Kyle. You suck.

Point is, it's been quite a ride, cheerleaders, but the ride ends now.

Barry, wait. Barry, don't do this.

Why do you even care?

'Cause I love you, okay? God.

You're just saying that 'cause you don't want me to die.

Of course I don't want you to die.

But... I really do love you.

Then why didn't you say it back?

I was scared, okay?

When my mom left, it crushed my dad, so I swore I'd never be so dumb to fall in love myself.

But... You're just so dumb, you made me fall in love with you anyway.

So... You really love me?

Wait, you're still going out there?

You bet I am.

I'm as strong as all the oceans, as powerful as a really big magnet.

As awesome as a thundercat!

'Cause Lainey Lewis loves Barry Goldberg!

♪ I touch you twice ♪

It was a moment my brother would hold onto forever.

The girl of his dreams loved him back, and nothing could hurt him now.

Well, nothing except a vengeful mob of angry fans.

♪ If you leave, I won't cry ♪

But as I watched my brother single-handedly battle...

An entire high school, I realized that with love on your side, you can take on anything.

Sure, there's nothing more dangerous or scary than putting your heart on the line.

But as I raced into the night, I knew that love was a risk worth taking.

♪ I touch you once, I touch you twice ♪ ♪ You always said we'd still be friends someday ♪

Adam.

Dana. I...

What? What's wrong? [Paper crinkles]

♪ If you leave ♪

I wrote you this whole thing 'cause I was so scared to say it out loud.

♪ I won't waste one single day ♪ I'm not scared anymore.

Dana, I love you.

♪ Heaven knows what happens now ♪

I love you.

♪ You've got to ♪ I...

♪ You've got to say you will ♪

Love you, too.

♪ I touch you once, I touch you twice ♪

And that's what makes all this so hard.

♪ You always said we'd meet again someday ♪

I just... Didn't know how to tell you.

Tell me what?

We're not going to Seattle just for the summer.

My dad got offered a job there, so...

We're gonna see if we like it.

But you can't just leave.

Here.

♪ If you leave ♪ My green lantern ring?

♪ I won't cry, I won't waste one single day ♪

Hopefully, I'm there on the first day of school and you can give it back to me.

♪ But if you leave, don't look back ♪

[Smooches] ♪ I'll be running the other way ♪

Goodbye, Adam.

♪ Seven years went under the bridge ♪

That's the thing about young love.

As magical as it is, it's just as unpredictable.

♪ Heaven knows what happens now ♪ ♪ Doing some ragepacking, huh?

Well, wonder where I get it from.

Shmoopie, I can't let you leave things this way with your father.

[Scoffs] We were totally fine before you broke us.

No, I get it now.

Just 'cause I say "I love you" all the time doesn't mean you have to. ♪

I won't let go at any price ♪ ♪ I need you now, like I needed you then ♪ ♪ I just... Wanted both of you to know how you feel about each other.

He's my dad. I love him more than anything.

♪ You always said we'd meet again ♪ Trust me, he knows.

And she was right. He really did.

Even though Erica and my dad were never able to actually say the words, they didn't have to.

'Cause when it comes to family, you know in your heart how they feel...

I love you, I love you, I love you.

And you carry that love with you no matter how far you go.

So...

So...

Uh, have a nice summer, Peanut.

♪ I won't let go at any price ♪ And, uh...

♪ I need you now, like I needed you then ♪

I know, Dad. Me too.

♪ You always said we'd still be friends ♪ ♪ I touch you once, I touch you twice ♪ You okay?

♪ I won't let go at any price ♪ ♪ Okay, come on. I'm sorry.

Looking back on your childhood is a funny thing.

Sure, the details get fuzzy, and the days blend together.

But the good news is all the hurt fades away, and you just end up remembering the love.

You remember your family. You remember 1980-something.

And you wouldn't change a thing.

Our family's here. Ha! Come on and see our family.

I love you.

Oh, geez.

I love you. [Laughs]

I love you. I love you.

[All shouting]

Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

Yeah!

Al: Yeah, kiddo!

Barry, that was amazing.

What's up? Who's this?

I assumed it was you.