The Table Polarization


 * (The opening scene at Apartment 4A where the gang (minus Penny) are having dinner)
 * Howard: I’m thinking about growing a goatee.
 * Raj: Oh, actually that’s a Van Dyke. A goatee is just hair on the chin.
 * Leonard: Oh. Wait, then what is it if you just have hair up here?
 * Raj: You mean a moo-stache?
 * Leonard: Moo-stache.
 * Howard: He said it.
 * Raj: Ha-ha, very funny. Make fun of the foreign guy. For your information, there are four times as many Indians as there are Americans, so the way we say it is right.
 * Howard: Say what?
 * Raj: Moo-stache.
 * Leonard: Moo-stache.
 * Howard: He said it.
 * Bernadette: (she is not amused) Guys, you’re being childish.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, she’s right. You’re grown men, the kind who are perfectly capable of growing your own moo-staches.
 * Amy: Hey, you were funny on purpose, good job.


 * Sheldon: Chaos theory suggests that even in a deterministic system if the equations describing its behavior are nonlinear a tiny change in the initial conditions can lead to a cataclysmic and unpredictable result.
 * Penny: Translation?
 * Leonard: (imitates a baby) Waah, I don't want a table.


 * Sheldon: *Knock Knock Knock* Amy?*Knock Knock Knock* Amy?*Knock Knock Knock* Amy? I’ll get right to the point. I think we need to end this relationship – so just sign this with your finger and please don’t cry on my iPad because I didn't get Apple Care.
 * Amy: I’m not surprised you want to end the relationship. I’m just a little surprised you didn’t get Apple Care. Anyway, enjoy your life. Where do I sign?
 * Sheldon: At the bottom. I must say I’m relieved you’re not making more of a scene out of this.
 * Amy: Oh, I’ve already moved on. Besides the breakup has nothing to do with me.
 * Sheldon: What. It doesn't?
 * Amy: OF course not. This is just Leonard trying to take the focus off that dreadful table by sowing discord in our relationship. He’s manipulating you like he always does.
 * Sheldon: Wait. Wait. Now hang on. You think he’s manipulating me?
 * Amy: All the time. And he knew that as your girlfriend, I wasn’t gonna to stand by and let him bring a table into your apartment. I mean a table? Come on.
 * Sheldon: It is hideous.
 * Amy: Well, thankfully, I won’t have to see it ‘cause I won’t be your girlfriend anymore. {Signs.} Amy Farah Fowler. Why yes, I would like to take a survey.
 * Sheldon: Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table?
 * Amy: Of course I was.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, wait. I do I know you’re not manipulating me right now?
 * Amy: I would think that if I’m manipulating you, you’d be smart enough to see it.
 * Sheldon: How do I know you’re not saying that as part of the manipulation?
 * Amy: I think you’re smart enough to see that too.
 * Sheldon: Okay. I’m sorry i gave you such a hard time. I just had to be sure. {Amy turns away and smiles.}


 * Raj: It’s pretty exciting that NASA wants to send Howard back up.
 * Bernadette: Yeah, exciting. (cross) Can I ask you something?
 * Raj: Course.
 * Bernadette: He hated that entire experience. Does it make me an awful wife if I don’t think he should do it again?
 * Raj: Not at all. He’s forgotten how miserable he was the entire time he was up there. It’s like me in those moments when I miss India.
 * Bernadette: So you’ll talk to him?
 * Raj: Why me?
 * Bernadette: Well, I’m his wife. I don’t want to ruin it for him.
 * Raj: That’s the dynamic. I’m the fun one and you’re the buzz kill.
 * Bernadette: (very cross) Since when am I the buzz kill?
 * Raj: Do you think this is cool?
 * Bernadette: (agrees with Raj crossly) No, I think it’s stupid.
 * Raj: Aha.
 * Bernadette: (smiling crossly) You’re right, it’s great.


 * Leonard: This spot that no one else can sit in only exists because despite your objections I bought this couch. Me. So explain why that change was bad and this change was good.
 * Sheldon: Um.
 * Amy: You don’t need to explain yourself to him.
 * Sheldon: I don’t need to explain myself to you.
 * Amy: You’re sick of his nonsense and ready to move in with me.
 * Sheldon: Keep the table. We don’t use that space.
 * Amy: Damn it, I got cocky.


 * Sheldon: Think of me as Arthur Dent in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy lying in front of the bulldozers protecting his home.
 * Leonard: If you recall, the Vogon Fleet blew up the earth anyway.
 * Sheldon: It’s a made up story Leonard. I don’t even know why you’re talking about it.


 * Penny: Sheldon’s not here.
 * Leonard: Well, he is here. {Points to his head.} So unless you want to dig him out with a bone saw and a melon baller there’s nothing I can do about it.


 * Bernadette: Hey.
 * Howard: Good news. Someone in this room gets to take a ride on a rocket.
 * Bernadette: (agrees crossly) Fine. (asks Howard crossly) Can I at least shower first?
 * Howard: No, not that. Although you already agreed to it, so no take-backs.
 * Bernadette: What are you talking about?
 * Howard: Sit down. NASA called. The telescope mount I installed on the space station got damaged, and they want me to go back up and fix it.
 * Bernadette: Wow. Well, what did you say?
 * Howard: What do you think I said? I said yes. Why do you look surprised?
 * Bernadette: Well, it’s just, after last time, I didn’t think you’d ever want to go back.
 * Howard: Are you kidding? It was the greatest experience of my life.
 * Bernadette: Really? ‘Cause I kind of remember a lot of complaining and wishing for it to be over.
 * Howard: I think you have me confused with what’s gonna happen when you get out of that shower.
 * (Bernadette shakes her head crossly starts to sip her wine in a huff).


 * Penny: Hi. Sorry I’m late. I was at an audition.
 * All: Ahh.
 * Sheldon: You’ll get ‘em next time.
 * Penny: How about instead of assuming I failed, you ask me how it went?
 * Leonard: Sorry. How did it go?
 * Penny: Shut up.


 * Raj: Oh sure. I sit on the floor for years no one cares. The pretty white girl sits for ten seconds and you’re all running off to IKEA.


 * Sheldon: OK. I think we found the problem here. It’s not the table at all. It’s you.
 * Penny: Me?
 * Leonard: Well. It’s always me. Take one for the team.
 * Sheldon: I have spent years turning this lump of clay into an acceptable conduit for my will and then you came along and reshaped him with your newfangled ideas and your fancy genitals.
 * Penny: Are you gonna let him talk to me like this?
 * Leonard: “Fancy” sounds like a compliment.
 * Penny: OK, I have not tried to change Leonard. That is just happens in relationships. Look how much Amy has changed you.
 * Sheldon: That’s not true.
 * Penny: Oh sweetie. When I first met you were incapable of touching another human being. Now you’re holding holds, going on dates, you even made out with her on a train.
 * Sheldon: She told you?
 * Penny: Of courses she told me. It’s the most interesting thing that happened to her entire life.
 * Leonard: You’re too close to it, but Amy has had a huge impact on you.
 * Sheldon: You’re right. Without realizing I allowed that woman to alter my personality.
 * Leonard: Mmm. You didn't have a personality; you just had some shows you liked.
 * Sheldon: No. No, I've changed. Like the frog that’s put in a pot of water that’s heated so gradually he doesn't realize he’s boiling to death.
 * Penny: Or you’re the frog that’s been kiss by the princess and turned into a prince.
 * Leonard: Or you’re just a tall annoying frog.
 * Sheldon: Excuse me. I have to break up with my girlfriend.
 * Penny: Oh, Sheldon. Wait.
 * Sheldon: No. You've opened my eyes to the truth. Amy has made me a more affectionate open-minded person. And that stops now.
 * Leonard: Well, we should call her.
 * Penny: Yeah. Amy. It’s Penny. Hey. Just a little heads up. Leonard bought a dining room table. Yeah. Sheldon’s breaking up with you.


 * Raj: Howard, I’m so sorry your blood pressure was off the charts.
 * Howard: Oh, me, too. I mean, the doctor was willing to fudge the results, but it just seemed so darned dishonest.
 * Leonard: But the mission wouldn’t be for at least a year. Isn’t that enough time to get your blood pressure under…
 * Howard: Look, my blood pressure’s too high, okay? Drop it.
 * Penny: You know, my aunt changed her diet, and in a few months, she…
 * Howard: Went to space? I don’t think so. Now, pass the soy sauce. Hey, not the green one, the red one.
 * Penny: Sheldon, Amy, will you please come join us?
 * Bernadette: Yeah, it’s fun up here.
 * Leonard: So why are you trying to ruin it?
 * Sheldon: No, thanks. We’re fine. I mean, if you people want to eat at the table, then that’s what you should do. I like eating down here because this is how we’ve always done things. But if those days are gone, they’re gone. It just makes me sad.
 * Bernadette: (she is now really sad) Now I feel bad.
 * Leonard: Oh, don’t anthropomorphize him, he’s got big eyes, but his feelings are not like ours.
 * Bernadette: No, it just seems silly for us to sit in two groups.
 * Leonard: Well, it’s not silly if you think of that group as being led by a big, evil baby.
 * Bernadette: Look at Amy down there. Should we go?
 * Penny: Yeah, let’s go.
 * Leonard: But Penny, this was your idea. You said that I should stand up to him.
 * Penny: Forget it, Leonard. It’s over.
 * Leonard: Fine.
 * Amy: Rajesh?
 * Raj: Screw that! I sat on the floor for seven years. I’m staying right here.
 * Bernadette: Come on, Raj, it’s not the same without you.
 * Raj: Fine. But no more making fun of how I say tings.
 * Howard: You mean tings like moo-stache?
 * Sheldon: Well, isn’t this nice. Sometimes the baby wins.


 * Sheldon: Well. Is this really worth it? We've lived together for years with nary an argument.
 * Leonard: Huh?
 * Sheldon: But we start talking about a table and suddenly we’re at each other’s throats.
 * Leonard: “Nary an argument”? “Nary”?
 * Sheldon: Well that means “not on” or “not any”. Maybe instead of a table you should buy a dictionary. Well, I don’t know if I won that, but at least he’s upset.


 * Howard: Hey, Bernie. I’m home. Hello.
 * Bernadette: Hi, honey.
 * Howard: What’s going on?
 * Bernadette: Maybe you should have a seat.
 * Howard: Um, okay. I know my mom’s not dead, there’d be balloons.
 * Raj: Um, okay. First off, know that we all love you and cherish you.
 * Mike Rostenkowski: Well, I wouldn’t…
 * Bernadette: (snaps at her dad crossly) Daddy.
 * Mike R: You’re great.
 * Mike Massimino: (on skype) Can I say something?
 * Raj: Oh, of course.
 * Mike M: Hey, Fruit Loops.
 * Howard: Massimino? Why are you here?
 * Mike M: Well, I heard you were thinking about going back up to the space station, and as someone who’s been there with you, well, you know how astronauts need to have the right stuff?
 * Howard: Sure.
 * Mike M: The stuff you have is wrong.
 * Howard: You don’t think I did a good job up there?
 * Mike M: You did a fine job. It’s just, you were scared and miserable the whole time.
 * Bernadette: I think what we’re all trying to say is, you don’t seem to be remembering how traumatic the experience was for you.
 * Raj: Like how women often forget the pain of childbirth.
 * Mike R: Like a woman. Great analogy.
 * Howard: Fine, maybe I was a little scared.
 * Mike M: You peed in your space suit.
 * Howard: You’re supposed to do that.
 * Mike M: Not during the fitting.
 * Mike R: Son, do I need to remind you what you asked me to do before you went up last time?
 * Howard: Hang on. That was just me joking around.
 * Mike R: You wanted me to shoot you in the foot.
 * Howard: Come on, how is that not a joke? You got to get me out of this. Shoot me in the foot.
 * Bernadette: Don’t forget all the other astronauts picking on you.
 * Raj: And how you threw up in zero gravity, and it floated back in your mouth. And you threw up again. And so on and so on.
 * (Mike R starts to smile)
 * Mike M: (smiling) That was funny.
 * (Raj and both of the Mikes laugh)
 * Howard: Okay, so I wasn’t exactly John Glenn up there, but I’ve changed. I’m a different man now. Yeah, and I’m a little insulted that you guys don’t think I can handle it.
 * Mike M: You know you’re gonna have to go through survival training again.
 * Howard: Really?


 * (the scene of Howard at the doctor's surgery)
 * Howard: You’ve got to get me out of this.
 * Doctor: What do you want me to do? You’re perfectly healthy.
 * Howard: Check my blood pressure again. I can get it higher. just give me a second. (Dials phone)
 * Mrs. Wolowitz (on phone): Hello?
 * Howard: Hi, Ma. How are you?
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: How I am is not dead, but you wouldn’t know that, because you don’t love me enough to pick up the phone.
 * Howard: Go, go, go.
 * Mrs. Wolowitz: For all you know, I could have slipped in the tub and drowned. That’s what happened to your Aunt Ida.
 * Doctor: Wow.