A Christmas Carol

Christmas The time of year when the chill in the air brings out the warmth in your heart. But what happens when Christmas spirit meets 140 degrees outside? Bugs, Christmas is almost here. Are you excited? Not really. It's December and it's 100 degrees out here. What are you saying? It's too hot for Christmas. Too hot for Christmas? How can you say such a thing? I feel woozy. Oh! Like I'm gonna faint. That's because you're wearing a parka. Huh? Oh. Oh, yeah. That's much better. What were we talking about again? Not doing Christmas this year. Ohh! And with no relief in sight for this heat wave, it certainly doesn't feel like Christmas. A year ago today, this was main street, and this is how it looks now. [Buzzards screeching] I thought selling Christmas trees would be the perfect job. You make your money and you only gotta work a couple of weeks a year. But it's so darned hot, no one's buying 'em, and now they're all dried up. Aah! Fire! Fire! Aah! Looks like this Christmas is gonna be anything but merry. What is wrong with everyone? A little heat and we all just give up on Christmas? Hey, well, not me. I'm gonna do something about it. I--I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna I'm gonna Put on a show. A show that captures the true meaning of Christmas. Like "A Christmas Carol"? Ohh. I was thinking "Cats. " What's "A Christmas Carol"? "A Christmas Carol. " Charles Dickens. Scrooge? Tiny Tim? Bah, humbug? Here. It's the world's most famous Christmas story. Oh! Thanks, bun-bun. Mwah. I'm off to save Christmas. I mean, Charles Dickens and I are off to save Christmas. Man, it's hot out here. Ohh! - What are you doing? - Making room. For what? I don't want to cook a turkey this year. It's too hot. I'm making room for a duck, not a turkey. What are you? Insane? You'll suffocate. Well, it's better than being hot. Plus, I've heard suffocating's the most pleasant way to go. Hmph. Wait. Or is it that suffocating's the worst way to go? I should probably do a little research. Hey, look. It's your buddy. In a related story, eccentric billionaire foghorn leghorn held a press conference today and made a stunning announcement. I've been--I say, I've been hearin' a lot of whining about how it's too hot to celebrate Christmas this year. But I'm here to announce that I'm gonna do something-- I say, I'm gonna do something about it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the fan plan. What is that? It's a giant fan, boy, and I'm gonna set it up at the north pole and blow some of that cold air down here. If I were you, I'd get your sweaters out of the cedar closet, 'cause I'm predicting-- I say, I'm predicting a white Christmas. That is one crazy rooster. I'm surprised you didn't get roped into going with him. Oh, I'm going. [Car horn honks] Well, I'm off to the north pole. Should I bring a jacket? Nah, it's 1,000 degrees outside. Bugs, your girlfriend fainted. Thank you all for coming. Of course, we're all here for the same reason. We care about the community. We love Christmas. And we love the theater. And one of you is here because I needed you to drive me because my nail polish wasn't dry yet. So, thanks, Bugs. Actually, I'm here 'cause I understand this is an equity production. As in, guaranteed money? And I also love the theater. Ok, "A Christmas Carol. " Now, just a little heads up before you read the script. I have made a few teeny, tiny changes. What are you talking about? I rewrote it. You rewrote a beloved classic? Eh, come on. Who could belove a story about a mean old guy named scrooge who hates Christmas? I'm sorry, but that's not gonna get anybody in the holiday spirit. Bugs, you're gonna play Santa. Uh, Santa's not in "A Christmas Carol. " Well, he's in this version. Mac and Tosh, you'll play Santa's elves Weevil and Beevil. You can decide amongst yourselves who's who. Both: I'll be Weevil. Oh! Then, I'll be Beevil. Do you want me to be Beevil? Only if you don't want to be Weevil. I could easily see myself as Beevil. But I also think you would make a fantastic Weevil. Oh, no one cares. We can't tell you apart, anyway. Here. You're Weevil. You're Beevil. Now, who am I? You are nightclub impresario Rick Evans. And Speedy, you're Manu Ginobili. The basketball player? Now, Porky, you're gonna play a very important part. You will be playing the role of Hambone. Ooh. What about my script? Oh, Hambone doesn't talk. He's a pet pig. He oinks. Well, I guess that's everyone. [Gasps] Oh, no! There's no one left to play Carol. Who's Carol? Carol? "A Christmas Carol"? The girl from the title of the play. Ecch. Poor Charles Dickens. Well, why don't you play Carol? Me? Oh, no. I'm just the writer. I'm not an actor. Besides, Carol has [British accent] A British accent that's essential to the role. And I couldn't possibly capture the many layers of Carol's intricate personality. The highs and the lows of her journey, her desperation, her fear, her strength, her courage. She's a temptress. Ooh, but she's shy, almost coquettish. How could I capture her volatility? [Laughing] And she's so funny. And what about the song? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Mm-hmm. You have to be Weevil. Spoken like a true Beevil. [Both giggle] If you think rewriting "A Christmas Carol" is a bad idea, heh, well, I believe I can show you a worse one. [Daffy shivering] It's time to jump. What? We can't land a big ol' plane like this on that ice. Are you out of your mind? Whoa! There--I say, there goes the fan. Come on, boy. Aah! [Both screaming] I say, "Aah!" I don't know about you, but I read the script. It ain't worth the air conditioner. Ok, everyone. We're starting rehearsal. [Whistling] We have got a town full of people out there who have lost the Christmas spirit, and I believe the only chance we have of getting it back is to put on a flawless production of an almost unrecognizable version of "A Christmas Carol. " Places, everyone. [Lola clears throat] Oh, Hambone, it looks like it's just you and me this Christmas. Oink. Is that how you're going to do it? Oink, oink? Yeah, you're gonna need to work on that. Meanwhile, at the north pole, or about 70 miles South of there. - I quit. - What?! My sense of adventure has been surpassed by my sense of tiredness and overall out-of-shapedness. Ugh. [Thud] You can't quit now. You'll freeze to death. Then, it's my time. According to my research, it's the most pleasant way to go. You're just like the rest of 'em. When the going gets tough, you just give up. Boo hoo! It's too hot to celebrate Christmas. Boo hoo! It's too cold at the north pole. Boo hoo! I'm too tired to help a rooster pull a 6,000-pound crate and build a giant fan. Well, then, go ahead and freeze, boy. I'm not giving up on Christmas. Unh! But sometimes, even the coldest heart can be warmed by the Christmas spirit. [Foghorn straining] I say, unh! Huh? Ah. [Knocking] Are you Carol? Yes. Who are you? - We're Santa's elves. - We're Santa's elves. Santa Claus is missing. You must come with us to the north pole and take his place. But why me? Because you are his daughter. [Lola gasps] Santa Claus is my father? That answers so many questions, yet, raises so many additional questions. I know what I must do. It is crystal clear to me. I have to Line? I have to go with you to the north pole. I have to go with you to the--line? To the north pole. Oh, yeah. I have to go with you to the north Pole. I didn't say "line". I know my line. Sheesh. Line? [Beeping] [Gasps] We're there! I say, we're there! We're at the north pole. Whoohoo! We made it. - Ahh! - Whoo-hoo! I always knew we'd make it. Except for that one time I laid down in the snow to die. But all the rest of the time, I knew we'd make it. Well, not that one time when I tried to kill you so that I could climb inside your carcass for warmth, but then realized how hard it would be to clean out your carcass, so, instead, I just laid down for a second time in the snow to die. But every other time, I always knew we would make it. Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Whoo-hoo! [Both cheering] But even the best laid plans *** often go awry. Hmm. I say, "Hmm. " What? Where are we gonna plug it in? Plug it in? We have to plug it in? We're in the middle of nowhere. You didn't think about this before we left? Why do I keep getting involved with you? It's that limo. I keep getting tricked by that limo. Wwsd. Wwsd. What are you muttering? Wwsd. What would Santa do? It's something I ask myself when I need guidance. [Gasps] That's it! What? We'll plug it in. I say, we'll plug it in in Santa's workshop. It's gotta be around here somewhere. So, you want us to just wander around the north pole hoping to bump into Santa Claus? What's the worst that could happen? [Daffy shivering] Now, it's Christmas Eve. Carol and the gang have gathered to confront Rick Evans. Places everyone Welcome to the bungalow room. I. D. , please. Where is Santa Claus? How should I know? I'm an innocent nightclub owner. Well, if Rick Evans didn't kidnap Santa, then--line. Then where is he? Wow, do you have the whole, entire play memorized? Unfortunately. Well, if Rick Evans didn't kidnap Santa, then where is he? Ho ho ho. All: Santa! Where have you been? We were so worried about you. I must have lost track of time. I guess I know what I should give myself for Christmas. A watch. Oh, ha ha ha! Santa. [Gasps] I mean dad. The end. Oh, you guys, I'm so excited. This is gonna be the best version of "A Christmas Carol" ever. Is it just me, or is this play bad? Like, really, really bad? [Shouting] We have to take cover, boy. I think I see it. Santa's workshop. No, you've got hypothermia. You're hallucinating. I say, you're hallucinating. I'm coming, Santa. [Gasps] Ahh. Looking for some place to plug that in? Santa? [Beeping] You look cold. Why don't you take a seat by the fire? You're so snuggly, Santa. [Beeping] So, you're saying you installed the giant fan at the north pole and that any minute, it's gonna start blowing in winter weather? I'm not the kind of rooster to say I told you so, but I told you so. [Laughing] How'd you do it? We had a little help. You probably know him as father Christmas, Saint Nick, the captain. But I call him Santa Claus. And I've got him on tape. [Beep] Santa? [Polar bear growling] You're so snuggly, Santa. [Bear roaring] I sat on the lap of a polar bear? I told you you was hallucinating. Then I guess I didn't plug the fan in, either. I'll make the next one battery-operated. Next one? This is it. We did it. It's Christmas Eve and we have a packed house. 'Cause of the air conditioner. I just want to thank you all for your hard work and dedication, which I believe is the true meaning of Christmas. Group hug. [All screaming] Hoo hoo hoo! Oh, this seems like a good time to tell everyone about the trap door I put in. Trust me. It will make our entrances and exits much more dramatic. [Gasps] How do we get out? We're gonna suffocate. Ooh, I've heard that's the most pleasant way to go. I've heard that, too. But it's not gonna come to that. Bugs will get us out. Bugs! Bugs! [All yelling at once] Hello? We're down here. Lola? Bugs, we fell through my trap door and we're stuck. Trap door? [Grunting] How does it open? Yeah, I don't know. I think I might have focused too much on the trap part and not enough on the door part. It won't budge. What are we going to do? The play starts in one minute. You'll have to tell everyone the play is cancelled. But you've worked so hard. Well, there's nothing else we can do. And at that moment, Bugs Bunny found the Christmas spirit. [Applause] Too bad he didn't also find a better script. [British accent] Oh, Hambone. It looks like it's just you and me this Christmas. [Snorting] Ha ha ha! Hambone. You're such a funny pig. [Shorting] Ha ha ha! Hey, look. "A Christmas Carol. " That's--I say, that's one of my favorite plays. Never heard of it. Where is Santa Claus? [Imitating Yosemite Sam] Well, how should I know? I'm an innocent nightclub owner. [British accent] Well, if Rick Evans didn't kidnap Santa, then where is he? No! Bugs, you weren't supposed to use the trap door. Really? Now what are we gonna do? There's no ending. [Jingle bells ringing] Ho ho ho! Santa? I know what you're all thinking. This is the worst Christmas play you've ever seen. And I can't say I disagree. But it took a lot of effort to put on a play this bad, and if there's one thing that's worth the effort, it's Christmas. Look, I know it's a lot of work, tying the tree to the top of your car and then dragging it inside. Pine needles going everywhere. Packing up the car and driving But these are the things that bring us all together. Even this utterly unrecognizable version of "A Christmas Carol. " I mean, look around you. The whole town is here. Yes, I know that Christmas isn't easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to deliver presents to every boy and girl on earth. You think that doesn't take a lot of effort? Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, everyone. Oh! [Crash] [Applause] Nice trap door. Let's see here. Lola. Bugs. Gophers. Aw, you can decide who gets what. Yosemite. Better luck next year. Speedy. [Indistinct chatter] What the? Hey, fellas. Ha ha ha! I plugged your fan in. Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, everyone. Christmas time is here there's a tingle in the air I sat on a park bench and froze my derriere we're all hanging stockings, drinking cocoa o-m-g, it's snowing Santa's bringing tons of loot and we've got Christmas spirit blowin' it's the time of year we try to drop our negativity I just dropped a glitter bomb to make the town more christmasy Christmas time can be so hectic shopping malls can be so rough but it's the best of all the holidays because we get new stuff I got sick on Halloween new year's was an awful scene and Thanksgiving was a snore Christmas, Christmas, we want more yuletide by the fireplace I am gonna stuff my face punch the clock and close the school that's the reason Christmas rules all the buildings look like igloos white majestic winter castles we can wear our Christmas sweaters and our culottes with gold tassels this is why Christmas is great this ain't time to playa hate all you gotta have is faith what a lovely Christmas wraith You mean wreath? Nope, I mean wraith. [Roaring] [Porky screaming] My holiday depression has been lifted by this lovely sight how can one be sad with 50,000 watts of Christmas lights? there's so many holidays what the heck is arbor day? I just know I work that day give me Christmas any day yuletide by the fireplace I am gonna stuff my face punch the clock and close the school that's the reason Christmas rules I love all the shiny balls children bouncing off the walls blinking lights we got on sale silver tinsel by the bale semi-frozen river skating candy cane self-medicating taking back gifts that we hate 15 pounds of winter weight fluffy quilts with Christmas cats 10pound Russian winter hats fruitcakes that are gluten free eggnog by the gallon-- whee! brand new cars with giant bows holiday-themed laser shows roasted chicken Christmas trees cheddar cheese nativities Christmas karaoke bus happy holidays to us