The Chasing Paper Caper

Theme song plays.

Maelstrom: Esteemed fellow VILE faculty. As you know, I, Gunnar Maelstrom, have been called demented, deranged, psychotic even. Justifiably? Perhaps. But I feel these are merely labels. Safe ways to categorize my unique intellect, which enables me to see opportunity where others do not. So allow me to draw your attention to this: the very foundation of law and order in the Western world.

Brunt: Looks more like a lion cub sniffing its own tail if you ask me.

Maelstrom: Uh, wrong slide. This. The Magna Carta!

Brunt: You're saying words I don't understand.

Maelstrom: Ugh. Coach Brunt, I suspect you are familiar with the US Constitution?

Brunt: Darn right. I'm Texas proud.

Maelstrom: Think of the Magna Carta as the British version of it, written more than 500 years earlier. And for the first time in history, every known original copy of this historic document, all 17 of them, will be on display under one roof. Here, at this renowned museum, in Mumbai, India. Which means we have an opportunity to steal it in the name of law and disorder.

Shadowsan: Would I be correct in assuming that you have a particular operative in mind for this misdeed, Professor?

Maelstrom: The crime involves stealing paper, does it not?

Shadowsan: She is far from ready.

Maelstrom: Questioning my sanity after my compelling intro, dear Shadowsan?

Shadowsan: Carmen Sandiego was unruly and undisciplined when she was a student here, and your newest star pupil is cut from the same cloth.

Maelstrom: Shall we vote? All in favor.

All others raise their hands.

Shadowsan: Hmph.

Player: You sure about this, Red? I'm not picking up chatter about VILE operatives in India from any of our usual sources.

Carmen: They'll be here. I know how Professor Maelstrom's twisted mind works, and he'd never pass up an opportunity like this. Stealing the Magna Carta would be VILE's way of symbolizing that evil can triumph over law and order. At least, that's what they'd tell themselves.

Player: I think I see what you mean. In the year 1215, England was ruled by some guy named John. And if he were alive today, he'd probably feel right at home on VILE Island with your former teachers. King John figured he could take anything he wanted just because he was in charge, and he abused that power constantly. The Archbishop of Canterbury stepped in and helped shape a set of laws that gave citizens rights. Basic stuff like you can't be arrested for no reason, or have your horse taken away from you just because the king wants it.

Carmen: These combined laws were named the Magna Carta, Latin for "the Great Charter of the Liberties." It was the chief cause of democracy in England and a huge influence on the American Constitution.

Player: Speaking of democracy, India has more people than any other democracy in the world, which is where you happen to be sitting right now.

Carmen: And since I favor democracy over tyranny, VILE won't be sinking their mangy claws into any historic documents on my watch. I'll do one last perimeter check tonight -- see if I can find any weak links VILE might exploit.

''Night. Carmen is geared up.''

Player: Ready to shut down the security cams, Red?

Carmen: Someone already did.

She picks up an origami throwing star that's lodged in the shattered screen of a security camera.

Carmen: She's here.

Paper Star: La, la la, la la... la, la la, la la...

Carmen: She was at VILE Academy during my holdover year. And had a reputation for putting her own spin on Shadowsan's origami lessons.

''An exercise is shown, with Paper Star and Shadowsan shadows through a paper-screen door. She throws an origami throwing star and it tears a hole in the door.''

Carmen: Which didn't exactly make her teacher's pet.

Paper Star: La, la la, la la... la, la la, la la... la, la la, la la...

Paper Star continues disabling security cameras.

Paper Star: La la la...

Carmen: Museum's closed. I'm here to give you your walking papers.

Paper Star: Mm. Papers.

''Carmen uses her grappling hook and starts swinging toward Paper Star, who throws another star and breaks the line. Carmen lands safely.''

Carmen: Paper Star. I see you haven't lost your touch.

Paper Star: Red is a smart color for you. It will hide the stains.

''She throws more stars, which Carmen dodges. The two fight. Eventually, Paper Star runs out of paper.''

Carmen: Out of ammo? That'll teach you to litter.

Paper Star: I really should reuse, reduce, and recycle. These brochures are chock-full of cutting-edge information.

''She has made them into throwing stars, which she throws. Carmen dodges, but her hat gets torn.''

Carmen: Oh, come on.

Paper Star: All this talk about the great Carmen Sandiego, but in the flesh, you're just a paper tiger. Mrowr.

''She throws a star that beheads a statue. Carmen catches the head before it breaks. Paper Star has disappeared. Locating her, Carmen gives chase.''

Paper Star: La, la la, la la... la, la la, la la... la, la la, la la... la, la la, la la...

Paper Star throws stars at Carmen, then descends from the ceiling to tie her up in a hanging scroll.

Paper Star: Such a pretty package. Hmm, think I'll keep you under wraps.

''Carmen struggles. Paper Star cuts through the glass to the display containing the copies of the Magna Carta.''

Paper Star: Mm-mm-mm. The more you struggle, the tighter it gets.

Carmen has a tool in her hand and begins to cut the scroll.

Paper Star: Bye-bye, little Black Sheep.

''She pulls the fire alarm. It goes off just as Carmen breaks free and begins to run after her. Once getting outside, Carmen sighs. It seems she's lost her.''

The next day, Chase and Julia are at the display while agents in suits take pictures of the destruction and origami.

Chase: It seems Carmen Sandiego has found some new hobbies: arts and crafts and stealing historic documents!

Julia: It is origami, the Japanese art of paper folding.

Chase: Ugh.

Julia: Right. Dull facts, boring things. But Carmen Sandiego's recent MO seems to be returning valuables to museums, not stealing them.

Chase: Again with the Vermeer paintings, Agent Argent? That has not been proven, so please, do not romanticize the scoundrel.

Julia: The crime scene is also sloppier than Ms. Sandiego normally leaves it. Wouldn't you agree, Agent Devineaux?

Chase: Well... it does look like a monsoon hit in here. She must have been in a hurry.

Julia: Or a struggle.

''His pen starts beeping. He activates it and the hologram of the Chief appears.''

Chase: Greetings from Mumbai, Chief.

Chief: Agents, I trust you were able to gain entry to the crime scene without incident.

Chase: This toy is incredible. We were able to clear all local authorities away with one flash.

Chief: Your ACME keycard will provide you with Level One clearance anywhere in the world and gets you 10% off your purchase at any company store.

Chase: Where can I find these stores? And do they carry bulk quantities of razor blades, cheese, or breath freshener?

She gives him a silent look.

Chase: Uh... ahem. Yes, the case.

Chief: ACME has just obtained this surveillance footage. It's taken from the cafe across the street. Unlike the museum, their security cameras weren't disabled.

''Carmen can clearly be seen in the photo. However, her eyes aren't visible.''

Chase: Aha! Carmen Sandiego!

Chief: I need you to be certain she isn't another copycat, like your snowmobile incident? You are the only ACME agent who has been face-to-face with her, Monsieur Devineaux.

Chase: That is her. I am certain of it.

Julia: Can we roll it back 30 frames, please?

Chief does.

Julia: Do you see that blur of color?

''A blur, Paper Star, runs through the bushes. ''

Chief: A second figure?

Chase: An accomplice!

Julia: I was going to suggest a rival, which might explain the debris.

Chief (looking around): Whoa. Who TP'd the place?

Carmen: That multicolored freak show owes me a new hat.

Player: Make her take you shopping.

Carmen: I would, if she left a paper trail.

Player: Ha! If only.

Carmen: We need to find Paper Star before she hands off the Magna Cartas to the next operative.

Player: Why not just take them back to VILE herself?

Carmen: Standard procedure on all VILE operations. This way, no one operative knows too much about any given job. If they get nabbed, they can only divulge so much information.

Player: Well, don't sweat yet, Red. I'm scanning all local surveillance and pushing my new facial recognition software to the max. If she's still in India, I'll pin her down.

Paper Star: La, la la, la la... La, la la, la la... la, la la, la la...

Chevre: I see I am not the only one who admires Mumbai's historic Elephanta Caves.

She ignores him and keeps singing while folding origami.

Chevre: Ahem. The fish swims at midnight. I repeat, the fish swims at midni--

Paper Star: No need to speak in code. Tell me where to escort this. A designated safe house outside this country's borders, I assume?

Chevre: What? That is not how this works. Protocol dictates that you give me the package to deliver.

Paper Star: Protocol exists to protect VILE should an operative get caught. You look like an operative who would get caught.

Chevre: I have completed more successful missions than you, Pippi Punkstockings! Now give me the package.

''He tries to take it. She cuts him with her origami.''

Chevre: Ouch!

He sucks on his finger.

Paper Star: Perhaps the fish does swim at midnight.

Chevre: You gave me a paper cut!

Paper Star: Puffer fish. Very lethal. It will give you a thousand paper cuts unless you tell me the next drop location.

She throws it.

Chevre: Ouch! No, not my hands! Not my hands!

''She cuts him again. He screams.''

Shadowsan: Where is she now?

Chevre: On her way to Agra City.

Maelstrom: And how did she learn of Agra?

Chevre: I-I had no choice! She is psychotic!

''He holds up his hands, both of which are wrapped in bandages. The faculty exchange glances. Maelstrom laughs.''

Maelstrom: Merely a label, you know.

Player: This was taken less than an hour ago, on a ferry coming into Mumbai Harbor.

Carmen: Looks like our litterbug is still packing the Magna Cartas. Can you access the passenger list?

Player: Coming your way.

Carmen: Tammy Origami... She's going by an alias.

Player: That's not too obvious.

Carmen: It's Paper Star's way of saying, "Come and get me if you dare," which suits me just fine. Player, I need you to cross-check that name against any mode of transportation you can think of. Plane tickets, train tickets, car rentals...

Player: Found her. "Tammy" bought a one-way ticket to Agra City on the 9:30am express train. Guess she wants to see the Taj Mahal.

Carmen: Let's chase that paper.

''On the train. Carmen walks through it until she spots Paper Star, then sits down.''

Carmen: Target spotted.

Player: You gonna make a move?

Carmen: In close quarters like this, with a wild card like her? Someone could get hurt. I'll strike the moment she gets off the train. Until then, I just need to stay out of her sight while keeping her in mine.

Chase sits down opposite Carmen.

Chase: Ms. Sandiego, I presume.

Carmen: Ugh.

Chase: I almost did not recognize you without your... evening wear.

Carmen: Aren't you a bit out of your jurisdiction, Inspector Devineaux?

Chase: I recently acquired greater authority.

Carmen: That's awfully vague, Inspector. Is it even "Inspector" anymore?

Chase: Enough chitchat! Where are you hiding the Magna Cartas?!

Carmen: Me? Nowhere. But they are closer than you think.

Beeping can be heard from Paper Star's phone as she walks away.

Chase: You will take me to them.

Carmen: Or what? You'll cuff me?

Chase: Why, yes. I lost you on a train once before. Never again.

He tries to cuff her, only to get cuffed himself.

Chase: Wh-what? No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Carmen holds up the keycard.

Carmen: ACME, huh?

She sees Paper Star in a dining area.

Carmen: This seat taken?

Julia: Actually, yes. But... feel free to use it until my partner returns.

Carmen is watching Paper Star through her pocket mirror.

Carmen: Partner?

She looks down at the briefcase, initialed C.D.

Julia: Ahem. Travel partner.

Carmen: I see. And you are?

Julia: Julia.

Carmen: So, Jules... Off to see the Taj Mahal?

She watches Paper Star in the reflection from a spoon.

Julia: Oh, I wish. The architecture, the history... Sadly, I'm traveling on business.

Carmen: Don't like your job, huh?

Julia: No, no. I love my job. I just love history even more, I suppose.

Carmen: Then you must really be upset about the Magna Carta.

Julia: What?

Carmen: The theft. It's in all the news.

Paper Star gets up and starts to leave the train car.

Carmen: Wonderful chatting with you, Jules!

She goes to follow.

Julia: But I never did get your name. ...[gasp]

She calls Chase.

Julia: Come on, come on... Agent Devineaux, I found Carmen San--

Chase: You've reached Inspector Chase Devineaux. Please, leave a message.

Julia: Oh dear.

''Carmen sees Paper Star, who put her bag on an overhead shelf. Paper Star then attacks Carmen, who fights back.''

Paper Star: Hey!

The two fight, but Carmen has stolen Paper Star's paper and flushes it down the toilet.

Carmen: Stinks running out of paper. Now can we try chatting without killing any trees?

''Paper Star spots a travel brochure. Carmen's gaze follows.''

Paper Star: You should run.

''They vie for it and fight again. Paper Star ends up getting it from Carmen.''

Paper Star: Care to run now?

''But Carmen has taken Paper Star's bag, and is indeed running. Paper Star growls and chases after her. Carmen ends up running on top of the train.''

Paper Star: Nowhere to hide. Not very smart.

But the wind causes the stars to boomerang, missing Carmen.

Carmen: Oh, really? Wind beats paper.

''They fight again. Paper Star grabs onto a ladder on a platform above the train. Unable to run fast enough to get to her as the train moves further and further away, Carmen takes off a plate from the train and prepares to throw it.''

Carmen: Here goes nothing.

''The straps of the bag are broken. Carmen dives and manages to catch it.''

''Julia enters a train car. Chase groans.''

Julia: Agent Devineaux? How did you...?

Chase: Never mind that! The keys are in my briefcase!

''When Julia goes to his briefcase, she finds the bag with the Magna Cartas right over it. She gasps.''

Player: So you have the docs?

Carmen: They're in good hands. Though it seems our friend Inspector Chase Devineaux may be running with a slicker outfit these days. Picked his pocket. Think you can hack a keycard?

Player: Worth a try. Send it over.

''She reaches for it in her pocket, only to realize that it is gone. She gasps.''

Shadowsan: Did you not assure us that Paper Star was ready?

Maelstrom: I never instructed her to break protocol.

Paper Star: La, la la la, la... la, la la la... la, la la la...

Brunt: Faculty only, Sassy Pants.

Paper Star: But my ears were burning.

Maelstrom: You failed to complete your mission.

Paper Star: Guilty as charged. But I never come to a party empty-handed.

She throws the ACME card onto the teachers' desk.

Ending theme music playing.