Chapter Fifty

Latin lover narrator: So, Jane, married to Michael, friends with her baby daddy Rafael, and currently a little tense with her Abuela.

See, Alba hated her sister Cecilia, and they hadn't spoken in 40 years. But then Jane got in touch with her granddaughter, who lived in London.

Hi!

Hi!

And, well, it drove a wedge between them. Oh, and Catalina decided to make a surprise appearance!

Jane! Hi!

Oh, my God.

OMG indeed! And speaking of, Petra's twin sister Anezka froze her and took her place. But luckily Petra woke up, and said this:

I am Anezka.

Of course, Petra had ulterior motives.

Why did you protect me?

Because of the hotel shares.

They'd be void. Rafael signed them to you as me.

So first, she made Anezka break up with her true love, Scott. And then, she set her sights on Rafael.

I'm not walking away from this hotel.

You are.

Why are you doing this?

I'm only going to say this once. It wasn't me.

I know. Tough times, right? And speaking of tough, Rogelio was trying to break into the American TV scene. But there was a slight catch.

I will have to reveal my pen1s.

Oh. And Jane's mom Xo also had a career revelation and decided to open a dance school. And speaking of moms, Rafael's was a crime lord. And she was murdered. And a clue in the Bible led to a secret bank account that the police were trying to track. I know. Moms, right? They're a handful. And on that note, let's dive in. As you all know, Jane Gloriana Villanueva grew up loved.

I got to run, but Abuela's here.

If a bit lonely at times. And if I'm being honest, which I'm always being...

Jane: Excellent tea.

Outstanding, really.

If she had one wish as a child, it was to have a sister. So when Catalina Maria Mora showed up out of the blue, well, it didn't feel like the bomb that it was. It felt like that wish come true.

What are you... doing here?

The craziest thing: I was heading back from Venezuela and I had an unscheduled layover in Miami.

And I just met you, and I don't know, it felt like a sign.

Latin lover narrator: Oh, she's speaking Jane's language.

I love that so much.

I left you two voice mails...

My battery's dead.

I figured, so I just came. (laughter)

You must be sexy cop husband.

I don't know about sexy, but, uh... but cop is... true.

Ooh! Sexy and modest!

Latin lover narrator: Ooh!

She's a kisser!

Okay. Um...

No, come on in!

(laughter)

Oh! Lovely!

Welcome. We're moving.

Oh, fun, I love moving!

Latin lover narrator: Who loves moving?

Really? Of course! It's a chance to redecorate, reinvent...

(gasps) Is that a doggie door? I love dogs!

You have a dog?

Um, we're discussing getting a cat.

(chuckling): They're preliminary discussions.

If you want a cat, get a cat! What's there to discuss?

Well, Jane's more of the planning type.

(grunts)

Ah.

Well, that's never been my strong suit.

Latin lover narrator: Clearly.

(inhales)

Okay, so. Full confession: this visit isn't totally unmotivated.

My Abuela knows we connected and wanted to see if we could help them fix things.

Oh. Um... my grandma asked me to stay out of it.

But I want to hang out with you.

Please, stay here tonight.

Oh, no! I-I can't.

I don't want to impose, you're moving.

Who cares? We'll pull out sheets.

Right, Michael?

Oh. Yeah, why not?

(laughing): Oh, great!

Um, the loo?

Hmm?

The bathroom.

Through there.

Thank you.

(quietly): Are you sure about this?

Michael, come on. She's my first cousin.

Well, actually, not my first cousin.

Maybe my third? But still, who cares?

A cousin. I have a cousin!

Latin lover narrator: Aw, looks like Jane is finally getting that tea party she always wanted.

(laughing): So... after Oxford, I met this guy in a rock band and followed him to Paris.

He was a nihilist and a philistine but gorgeous and, ugh, so brilliant.

We broke up within days but I decided to stay and take culinary classes, which is when I studied under Ludo before living in Berlin.

Wow.

I've been on an airplane four times.

(laughter)

I love that top, by the way.

(Jane moaning)

Catalina: Right?

Mm-hmm.

I am telling you, this lady who owned this brothel in Thailand was a genius!

Jane: Mm! (chuckles)

And they threatened to run away, but my grandma chickened out, so Alba convinced her to spend the night in the barn.

(laughter)

Jane: She's incredible, Michael.

Well traveled and artistic and adventurous and so funny.

Mm.

We were up all night.

Oh, I heard. When do you think she's gonna be out of the shower? 'Cause the movers are gonna be here any minute.

I'm sure she's almost done.

(shower turns off)

So, we were actually talking about her staying for a few more days.

With us?

In our new place?

There's so much to catch up on.

Wh... What? What was that look?

(quietly): Well, don't you think it's a little weird that she shows up... unannounced?

(clicks tongue) Aw.

You've just been around me too long.

Not everyone's a planner. Her style's more... spontaneous.

Catalina: Morning, morning!

Latin lover narrator: Apparently, her style doesn't include wearing a bra.

Hey! So, we actually talked about it, and... please stay with us for a few more days!

Yes!

Incredible, fun, I'd love to!

(both laugh)

(giggling)

(whistling)

(explosion)

♪ ♪

And you don't have to meet her. I know you don't want to.

I just wanted you to know she's here.

Y... (clears throat)

Thanks. You have to come by the new place.

As soon as Cat leaves.

So, I should go to my meeting. Hopefully, I can get my T.A. job back.

The dean said no way you're getting your T.A. job back.

Apparently that bridge has been burned.

(shrieking): No! Wait, wait, this is a mistake!

To a crisp.

(shouting)

But I was at a party the other night, and I ran into Leslie Clark from Silver Horizon Publishing.

Have you heard of them?

Romance with a slant towards historical fiction, won a RITA award for their Dawn's Early Light trilogy set in the War of 1812.

(laughing): Yes. Yes.

Yes. I've heard of them.

Well, she's looking for a new assistant.

Really? W-What does that entail?

I have no idea.

It was a party.

I recommended you.

What?

Yeah. Here's her card.

Her current assistant's info is on there.

Oh, my God! Thank you so much!

I'm gonna hug you, okay? Just stand still.

(exclaims)

Latin lover narrator: In a less huggy mood...

When I said I wanted you out of the hotel, it wasn't theoretical.

No, I have someone lined up to rent out your penthouse.

Latin lover narrator: As you'll recall, Petra Solano was back from the dead and on a rampage.

What?

It was a majority shareholder decision.

Meaning my decision.

Latin lover narrator: Hell, I'm scared of her!

Why are you doing this? I just...

I don't understand.

Here's what I don't understand.

How you were married to me, said you loved me, then slept with my sister and worked alongside her for months without ever realizing it wasn't me.

Latin lover narrator: Yeah. I got nothing either, buddy.

I'm sorry. It's... all I can say.

But we have children together. Yes, and that's unfortunate.

We'll have the nannies coordinate.

End of next week, I want you out.

Rogelio: I'm stunned.

Did you drop my name at the bank?

Yeah, unfortunately, it didn't translate into a boost to my credit score.

Then I will loan you the money to open your dance studio.

I thought you might offer, but no.

You'll say you won't interfere, but then you'll want a say.

Of course I'll want a say!

In fact, you should want me to have a say.

I'm excellent at branding and promotion.

Plus, I know a little something about dance...

(scoffs) I know you think you do.

Latin lover narrator: What's this? Some kind of private joke?

Well. Come on, at least show me the place you're interested in renting.

Sorry. No. Sorry.

Sorry. Uh-uh. All right.

Hey!

I'm off carbs. I need to slim down for my big full frontal scene.

About the crew?

The crew's naked body is not gonna not be featured in an indie feature!

Fine. They want you in makeup, and here are some script revisions.

Thank you, Rudy. (chuckles)

Rogelio: What the hell?

This is a huge episode. I finally see Ava and realize she went through the time portal after me.

It's a turning point in the novela.

We had to...

And it's supposed to happen in the episode where I prevent the third world war by ending the Cuban Missile Crisis.

The thing is, you...

And why does the episode now take place in Vernon J. Herzing's house?

And who the hell is that?!

(dings)

I guess you made some sort of deal with the studio?

All nudity in television and film is not permitted, as it tarnishes our brand.

So, what are you saying? I can't take the part?

You can do it. If you do something for us in exchange.

We have a chance to do a product integration and make some money for the show and for the studio.

But the writers said no.

Well, allow me to overrule the writers.

Okay, so I'll eat the cereal during the Cuban Missile Crisis.

But HBO wasn't invented then.

The TV station?

The cereal.

Who cares? No one will notice.

Petra: Enough!

Stop following me.

I-It's just... now that you rethought leaving, I thought maybe you rethought us.

I didn't.

But... what we had, uh... the things we said to each other. What...?

Latin lover narrator: Just a friendly reminder: That wasn't Petra. That was all Anezka.

My sister had a health crisis, and I... I melted down.

And now that she feels better, well, I...

I feel different, too.

Latin lover narrator: I'll say.

So, let me be unequivocal.

We are never, ever getting back together.

Ever.

You don't have to throw our song in my face!

Jane: I'm so excited.

I could be working directly with the publisher.

Getting to read galleys, and observe the editing process from start to finish.

Amazing!

That's amazing, babe!

I know. Uh, I... (chuckles)

I am a little nervous about the interview.

You know, Donaldson didn't have any details on the job so I can't do my usual hard-core prepping.

Oh, you'll be fine.

(sighs) I got a job as a sommelier on a Greek island one summer, and I knew exactly zero about wine.

I totally faked it.

Dropped some buzz words like "oaky" and "bouquet" at the interview.

Really?

Truly. And this is terrible wine.

I'm buying you some wine.

Trust me. Everything you need to know, you can learn on the job. Just... lead with confidence.

Latin lover narrator: Which brings us here, now...

Hi! I'm Jane!

Latin lover narrator: Confidence, not volume.

Sorry. I'm excited.

(chuckling): I'm Jane. You must be Alice.

We spoke on the phone.

Yes. Hi.

It's good you're excited.

You should be; Leslie is great.

I'll let her know you're here.

(sighs)

And considering Silver Horizon's slant towards historical fiction, I think it would be a perfect fit for me.

And I'd work my butt off.

Well, Jane, I really like your energy, and you come with quite a recommendation. Marlene Donaldson?

She hates everybody.

It took me a while but I finally wore her down.

We hug now.

Oh, come on.

Well, once, but I might try it again.

Latin lover narrator: Way to go, Jane, you're crushing it.

And you know Spark Express, of course?

Of course, yes, absolutely.

Great.

Um, could you help me with this issue?

Latin lover narrator: Uh-oh... now?

I can't seem to delete this field.

Oh, yeah.

Sure.

Let's see.

This one?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

So, did you try highlighting it?

Uh-oh.

What's... what's wrong?

I-I...

I seem to have deleted the file.

Uh, l-let me just undo it.

(scoffs)

Would you... just in case, did you back it up?

No.

This is two hours of work.

Alice!

I thought you knew the software.

I meant I'd learn it.

Alice: What's going on?

We need I.T. in here.

I'm so sorry.

Just go.

Latin lover narrator: Yup. So, she really bombed that.

(whistling)

The publisher basically threw me out of her office.

It was a disaster.

I'm sorry, babe.

At least now you know to trust your instincts.

Oh, no, stop, you can't give up.

You have the assistant's info, work her a little.

You can recover.

Jane: I don't know.

This was a pretty epic fail.

Agree. Just move on.

Don't be silly.

Once, I really bungled things while working Fashion Week in Milan, but since I was besties with Zac Posen's assistant, he got Zac to look the other way.

Do you have the assistant's number?

Alice? Yeah.

Mm?

I can't send that.

Sure you can!

Come on.

Oh.

(phone whooshes)

Catalina: Yeah!

(phone beeps)

Ah! A smiley face!

Yay! You're in.

(laughs)

Catalina (laughing): Good.

Jane: And it worked, Mom.

I mean, I've been texting with her assistant all night.

She said she'd work her boss.

Xiomara: That's great, hon.

Uh, listen, I should go.

Okay.

Bye, Mom.

Come on.

Let's toast to our new apartment with our, uh, bad wine.

(chuckles)

Do you ever wish you traveled?

I mean...

I haven't really thought about it much.

Me, neither.

Do you want to?

I don't know.

Maybe.

I mean, not now.

After grad school?

What about Mateo?

We would take him.

And my job?

I know, you're right.

It's not practical.

(sighs)

What?

Have we met?

Uh, I don't think so.

You're Petra Solano, right?

Yes.

You've been served.

What?

(whistling)

You're suing me for sexual harassment?

You-You know that's not true.

Your word against mine.

Please keep away.

Are you...

What are you doing?

You've created a hostile work environment.

I don't feel safe around you.

Now, is there a work-related topic you would like to discuss?

Otherwise, this conversation is highly inappropriate.

Did I blow your mind or did I blow your mind?

It's beautiful, Rogelio, but I already saw this online and it's twice what I want to spend, which is why I want the other one.

Ah, but you didn't factor in the celebrity discount.

I told the owner of the strip mall I'd do a commercial for his fro-yo place and negotiated the rent down to half price.

What?

I told you, I'm a value add.

(gasps) Are you serious?!

You know I'm always serious about dance.

Oh, my God, would you stop it already?

Latin lover narrator: Okay, I found out what these private jokes are about.

So, for our first competition, I think we should do a high-octane, "Rhythm Nation"-type routine.

Sweet!

That's tight.

No, no, no, no, no.

Just put me in the center and have the girls freak up against me.

To hide that you can't dance?

What?

(girls chuckle)

Please, we know you're just here to meet girls.

Oh, I can dance.

Prove it.

Let's see you follow my moves.

♪ Let me see you shake it, shake it ♪ ♪ What? ♪ ♪ I wanna see you move your body ♪ ♪ I want to get the party started ♪ ♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Join in like go on, go on ♪ ♪ Let me see you shake it, shake it ♪ ♪ What? ♪ ♪ I wanna see you move your body ♪ ♪ I wanna get the party started ♪ ♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Join in like go on, go on ♪ ♪ Let me see you shake it, shake it. ♪

(sighs) It's perfect.

And, friends, it felt too good to be true. Which it was. Let them just finish signing the paperwork.

Congratulations.

It's all yours.

Thank you so much.

And that's when she saw him.

Oh, my God.

Yup. Bruce. Oh, I'm sorry. You don't know who Bruce is. Well, listen up.

Jane: Bruce is the worst!

His law office is right by your studio?

Can you get out of your lease?

Stop. You're being crazy.

I'm not! He's the worst.

Why?

Well, first, he was married, and he didn't tell Mom.

Then, she finds out, and he keeps saying that he's gonna leave his wife, but he never does.

She keeps saying that she's done, over and over and over and over, oh, and over and over.

Mmm. I agree.

He's a jerk. Now, go to work.

I got Mateo. I'm just saying that you don't need to be around him.

Jane, enough. That was a different time in my life.

I can't even imagine being with Bruce now.

People move on.

♪ ♪

(gasps)

(laughs)

Hey. Am I early?

No. I just finished my shift.

Great. Want to go out for drinks?

Oh, I can't. Mateo and Michael are waiting for us.

Oh. One?

We'll strategize about your career.

Fine. One.

Yes.

And that's when...

Hi there.

Oh, hey. Uh, Rafael, this is my cousin Catalina.

Ah, this is Catalina.

And you must be the baby daddy.

Officially... but you can call me Rafael.

(laughs)

Was that a spark between them? Nah, I was just reading into it, I'm sure.

Vodka soda, light on the soda. Jane?

Um...

You know, I think I'll join you guys for a drink.

So I told him you can't wear Speedos in the dining room.

(laughing)

Ah, the "kooky guest in the Speedo" story. Jane's heard this one about a hundred times.

So I gave in and I threw him a robe.

(sputtering laugh)

(sighs): So... we should head out.

Oh, no. We ordered another round when you went to the loo. But, hey, you know, if you need to run...

What's another drink?

So, I spent the summer crewing on my friend Dorian's yacht off the coast of Monaco...

Wait, wait. Dorian Moreau?

You know him?

Yes! He threw this massive party in the French Riviera, like, five years ago.

Oh, my God, I was there!

You were there?

Yes!

No way!

(laughing)

(fake laughing)

So funny.

Small world.

Okay, we should probably call an Uber, go back to Michael and Mateo.

First dinner at the new place.

Wait.

You're going... to their first dinner?

You are totally third-wheeling it.

(gasps) Oh, my God, am I?

I knew it.

No!

Yes!

No.

Absolutely you are.

Look, let them have dinner alone, okay?

We stay here and eat, and then you go back later.

Okay. Is that weird?

No.

No, it's not weird.

Oh. Okay, yes, I should probably go.

Seeing as I said... out loud that I was gonna go.

Don't you think that's a little weird?

Don't you think that's weird, Mateo?

That you came home drunk at 7:00 p.m.? Yes.

That he's, like... hitting on her in front of me.

I mean, not really. She's definitely his type.

What does that mean?

Hot.

Like you.

You think she's hot?

I think you're hot.

Latin lover narrator: Turn it around, man.

Why you acting all jealous?

I'm not jealous.

You love her, you think she's great, so what if he does, too?

If he does, too, that's great.

Great!

Great!

Which brings us here, now.

Hey. Did you have fun last night?

I didn't hear you come in.

Oh, good. Good.

I was trying to be quiet. It was so late.

Rafael kept saying we should give you guys privacy.

Next I know, we're sloshed and eating shrimp tacos, and suddenly I felt all dodgy being out with your baby's father, so I came home.

Was it dodgy?

No, it's not dodgy at all.

I mean, with three kids, it's not like Raf gets out much.

Brilliant! I'm friends with my exes, too.

Mm.

So, I need your help.

Excuse me?

Scott is apparently suing me.

(chuckles) For sexual harassment, of all things.

What?

Yes, and...

I want it over. (sighs)

Can I tell my legal team you'll back me up?

In exchange, you can... remain in the penthouse.

Well, in exchange, I want my shares back.

Paying him off will be cheaper.

You okay?

I'm hoping I will be.

Uh, anyways...

I had so much fun with Catalina last night.

I mean, she is incredible.

Oh, yeah, she's cool.

I was actually thinking about asking her out again.

Really?

I mean... she's only here for a few more days.

Do you really want to start something with someone who's leaving?

I don't know, I really thought there was a spark between us.

She didn't mention anything, so...

Really?

Mm.

Jane, if you feel uncomfortable with me dating your cousin, I won't do it.

No, I hadn't really thought about it.

Latin lover narrator: Yeah, right. Sorry.

But since you asked, I guess I am.

So I shouldn't ask her out?

Yeah, I-I think I'd rather you didn't.

Rogelio: I am aggravated!

You're hungry.

No, I just ate nine pieces of celery and a saltine.

Unrelated to that, I'm aggravated because we should hire someone to paint.

We can do it ourselves.

But it's going to take forever.

Less talking and more prepping.

I have an idea on how to solve our disagreement.

Though you might be too scared.

Scared of what?

Standard rules apply.

You copy my move, I copy your move.

Stop stalling.

You're the one who's stalling.

Hmm. (dance music playing)

♪ Let me see you shake it, shake it ♪ ♪ What? ♪ ♪ I wanna see you move your body ♪ ♪ I wanna get the party started ♪ ♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Join in like go on, go on ♪ ♪ Let me see you shake it, shake it ♪ ♪ What? ♪ ♪ I wanna see you move your body ♪ ♪ I wanna get the party started ♪ ♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Join in like go on, go on... ♪

Oh! Aah!

Ha-ha! That's right!

(Xiomara laughing)

Rogelio, are you okay?

I think I pulled something.

(laughter)

I have a confession to make.

The truth is, I didn't sign up for our high school dance troupe to meet girls.

I signed up for our high school dance troupe to meet a girl.

I-I'm sorry I've been so grumpy today.

It's just, seeing Bruce around is just really throwing me.

Because you still have feelings for him?

No! The opposite.

He messed with my life for so long...

I never really got the chance to tell him off.

You still can.

You don't have to sulk.

I'm not.

But I didn't have to ask you if I could date her.

But you did. And I said no.

Jane: Hi, honey. Mwah.

Raf was just leaving.

Oh, okay.

How have you been?

Better before Jane shut down my dating life.

(chuckles): What are you talking about?

Nothing.

You didn't tell him?

Are you serious?

Tell him what?

She asked me not to date Catalina.

(whistling)

You told him he couldn't date her?

I just think it's inappropriate.

How is it inappropriate?

There are three billion women in this world!

Okay, you know what? Whatever. Go ahead.

And if it doesn't work out, who knows, maybe you could hook up with one of my other cousins.

Oh, or maybe a sexy great aunt!

Yeah, I think I'm gonna head out.

Hi, baby.

Who's that? Oh...

(door opens, shuts)

I knew you were jealous.

I'm not jealous.

I just... What if it doesn't work out?

They're adults.

I'll be in the middle of it. We share a child!

I don't want that to get complicated because of some fling with a cousin I just met and I really like!

So this isn't about your romantic history with Rafael?

No.

Then why didn't you tell me he asked?

Because... you get so sensitive about it.

I'm sensitive?

(sighs)

Latin lover narrator: Yeah, things can be tricky with exes.

Xo...

Latin lover narrator: Which brings us here... now.

Hey, Bruce.

(chuckles): What are you doing here?

I actually rented the place across the way, and I saw you. You moved offices?

Last year, after my divorce.

Oh, no. He's divorced!

Oh.

Stay strong, Xo.

Look... since we'll be seeing each other around, I just wanted to say something.

You were such a douche bag.

And speaking of douche bags...

I've thought a lot about this.

And, look, for everyone's sake, I just want this to all go away. My lawyers and I were able to come up with a number to settle out of court.

It's not about the money.

It's about the fact that you obviously used me.

I didn't...

Liar.

And I'm gonna make you pay.

I have a burn book, remember?

I know a lot about you.

Your real name... the fact that you were married to an arms dealer...

Oh. And, um...

(whispering inaudibly)

Xiomara: It's over.

I said everything that I have to say to Bruce, and... he got it.

(laughs): And I have to say, I feel great.

That's wonderful, Xiomara.

Yeah. So thank you for encouraging me to do that.

Of course.

And can I just say... I love our friendship.

I-I love the place that we've gotten to.

Me, too.

Good-bye, Xiomara.

♪ ♪

This doesn't make any sense!

Tiago sees Ava kissing another guy, and he turns and walks away?!

Rogelio, can we just discuss this in your dressing room?

No! We're gonna discuss it here!

My blood sugars are extremely low, and I cannot find the truth in this ridiculous scene. Tiago, he has been looking for Ava through time and space, and when he finally sees her, she is kissing another man!

And he walks away and doesn't tell her how he feels?!

It just doesn't make any sense!

Latin lover narrator: Which part?

He'd tell her.

Oh, see, that part I bought.

I have to agree. Should we go back to the Vernon Herzing story? Every one at the Honey Bunch loved that storyline.

Xiomara: So, how'd you leave it?

Well, Michael's still mad at me, I'm still mad at Rafael, Rafael's probably still mad at me.

And how about Catalina?

She's steering clear, I think.

Can you blame her?

Anyway, don't bring it up at dinner.

Abuela, you look so nice!

That's her fourth wardrobe change.

She spent three hours making arepas.

(knocking)

(gasps) That's her.

(laughs): Alba, hi!

I brought my world-famous arepas.

Latin lover narrator: Rival arepas! And unsecured tatas! This is going to be a long...

(laughter)

Oh, wow. Look at that. I was totally wrong.

But they had to sneak out of the house to practice, right?

Their father did not approve of dancing.

She said he was very strict.

Ah?

Yeah!

And that night, Alba won the town dance contest.

Fair and square. But she was Oh.

Disqualified because her skirt was two inches too short.

Abuela!

Mommy?

Catalina: Oh, it was quite the scandal. And that was the first night you met Mateo.

Mm-hmm.

Mm. My grandma was devastated.

(groans) And she was so sorry about what she did after.

Devastated?

Why was she devastated?

Well, because she'd been in love with him first, right?

And you sort of stole him away?

I'm so sorry.

That's what my Abuela told me.

Abuela.

Mom.

(whistling)

I can't believe how I bungled that.

And we were getting along.

Well, she'll... get over it.

Latin lover narrator: Are we talking about the same Abuela?

Maybe.

I didn't even think it was controversial.

I thought that was the story.

Really?

Yeah, of course.

That's what everyone thinks.

(phone buzzes)

Skinny Bloody Maria.

Extra celery, please.

Ah, yes. The new friendship.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Do you think it's weird that I want to date Jane's cousin?

Well, it depends. How much do you like her?

Well, a... a lot, actually.

I mean, I really felt, like, a... like a spark.

Which is rare.

So rare. Uh-huh.

People spend a lot of time searching for that, and if that spark turns into a forest fire of love for someone... someone you could envision spending the rest of your life with...

No, we-we just met, you know.

It's a little early for that. I barely know her.

A person you somehow keep finding your way back to, after years and years apart... Well, hell, that's... that's even rarer, no?

Are we still talking about Catalina?

So what... if Xo and I have this obstacle? I'm obviously still in love with her, and the kid's a big hypothetical.

She's here, and she's real.

I should tell her how I'm feeling.

Rafael, this was a great talk.

Latin lover narrator: And, friends, Rogelio had played this scene a thousand times in telenovelas. The hero racing to profess his love for... uh-oh.

(door opens)

You have a fix for the script?

Hmm.

Yes.

There has to be a reason why Tiago doesn't speak up when he sees them kissing.

Something emotional that haunts him from his past.

Latin lover narrator: The fact that he didn't raise Jane.

Rogelio: The fact that he didn't stop the Hiroshima bomb last time, because he and Ava were making love.

Go on.

So, yes, he loves her.

But he's also reminded that he...

Latin lover narrator: Wants another child.

Wants to stop the Bay of Pigs.

So, when he sees her kissing that troll, he takes it as a sign.

To stick to his initial mission.

I like it. Yeah, I'll jump back into the script and make those changes.

(door opens)

Latin lover narrator: Also jumping back in...

Dennis: Hey-hey, you're looking better.

Oh, let's hope the doctor agrees with you.

I just had my physical.

Any new on the case?

Just that you were right.

The numbers in Mutter's Bible... belong to a bank account.

But they don't know whose bank account?

Not yet.

They're working on it.

So what's the...

Look, I really...

(clicks tongue) Go on.

Just that I'm sorry.

I left a message for Rafael, and I told him I'm fine with him dating Catalina.

(phone chimes)

What?

Oh, Alice just invited me to join the assistants' group for happy hour.

Well, as Cat would say, "Jolly good!

Let's definitely go."

Stop. Okay, w-we don't have to.

Y-Yes, we do.

Because I'm not gonna be the stick in the mud that ruins this opportunity for you.

We're doing this.

I'll do it.

I'll give you your shares back if you lie about Scott.

If I agree to do this, no more blackmail, no more threats.

We are even.

Equal partners again.

Equal partners.

I am prepared to say that you harassed her.

Which makes it your word against ours.

And we will drag your name through the mud and sue you into oblivion.

You'll end up broke and humiliated with no hope and zero prospects for the future.

Or... you can give up this ridiculous lawsuit, and we can all move on.

I don't know why you won't just move on.

Because you won't admit you were jealous.

Jane: Fine.

I'm jealous.

But you want to know what?

It's not even about him.

It's about her.

Catalina makes me feel a little boring, okay?

She lives this exciting and glamorous life.

And... she isn't afraid to break the rules.

I know.

What?

That's exactly what I was afraid of.

She's making you not like your life.

Suddenly you feel like you're married to some boring guy and we're just married boring people.

Well, guess what.

I'm not boring!

I didn't say you were.

Michael...

What are you doing?

Where are you go...? Michael, stop.

Jane.

Hi! You're here.

Alice. Hi.

Let me introduce you to everyone.

Michael: Everyone.

Can I have your attention?

So bear with me.

I have to prove to my wife that I'm not boring.

Oh, my God.

Michael: Here we go.

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Never had much faith in love ♪ ♪ Or miracles ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Never want to put my heart ♪ ♪ On the Li-i-i-ine, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ 'Cause your s*x takes me to paradise ♪

Why is that weirdo staring at you and singing about s*x?

'Cause he's my weirdo.

I'll be right back.

♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Yeah, your s*x takes me to paradise ♪ ♪ And it sho-o-o-ows ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ 'Cause you make me feel like ♪ ♪ I've been locked out of heaven ♪ ♪ For too lo-o-o-ong ♪

(laughing)

♪ For too lo-o-o-ong ♪ ♪ And you make me feel like... ♪

Screw boring, we are not boring!

Oh, we're young, we're fun!

Yes.

(phone buzzes)

Oh.

Ha! It's Alice.

What?

Oh! They loved us!

They want us to go back. Should we go back?

No.

You wanted Alice to think you're awesome.

She thinks you're awesome.

You got to leave them wanting more.

That's how we roll. We go in there, we drop some fun bombs... Boom!

And we're out.

I did have fun tonight.

And for the record, I don't want to be young and crazy with anyone else but you.

Me neither.

It's still pretty early.

What other fun, spontaneous, crazy things should we do?

We got a cat!

(gasps)

Michael: Introducing Faith M. Whiskers III.

We didn't even debate about it, we just did it!

Wow, you guys are wild.

I know!

We really are.

(laughing): Uh, so...

Listen.

Rafael actually mentioned that he wanted to hang out.

Really?

Truly. You should do it.

I mean, he's home; I know he would love to see you.

I guess I should hop in the shower, then.

Do it!

Definitely.

Nice work.

(laughs)

You think Faith M. Whiskers III has ever seen two boring married people have s*x?

Michael, ew.

(laughing): I don't want her watching us.

Get out of here, Faith. (cat meows)

(knocking on door)

Latin lover narrator: I bet I know who that is. Meow, indeed. Oh. Not who I expected.

I told you it would work.

Latin lover narrator: Let me explain.

We are never, ever getting back together.

Ever.

You don't have to throw our song in my face.

So... who I was with... it was really Anezka?

Yeah, but there's no way to prove it.

And... you'll be getting that bonus, as discussed.

Oh, I didn't do it for the money.

No, though it's a pretty nice number.

No, I did it for the favor.

It's good to have a guy like you owe me.

Director: We just owe this last shot.

And action!

♪ ♪

Director: Cut! Perfect.

That's a wrap.

That was fantastic!

Everybody at the Honey Bunch is excited.

Terrific! I'm excited, too.

Last night, I had a moment of clarity.

I want to have more children.

That's my mission.

And I'm going to make it happen.

Would you be interested by any chance?

♪ ♪

(laughing): I'm just kidding!

I love the cereal, but I need eggs.

Latin lover narrator: Speaking of sexy come-ons...

(knocking on door)

Okay, I'm pretty sure I'm right this time.

I was glad you called.

♪ ♪

(moaning)

Rogelio: And bang!

I nailed it on the very first take.

Now, everybody, please try this cereal.

It's everything.

So...

Have there been any more Bruce sightings?

Nope, not since I, uh, told him off.

Jane: Wow.

So the spell is finally broken.

It is.

No, Abuela...

It's okay.

I believe you.

Me, neither.

So, can we end this?

Okay.

(sighs)

(Alba sighs)

(sighs)

So how about I go get us something to eat and then we do that a few thousand more times?

Sounds perfect.

You are trouble, aren't you...?

(laughs) I guess you'll have to wait and see.