Adventures in Hayleysitting

Stan: Good morning USA, I've got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face, And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh boy it's swell to say, Roger: Good morning USA! (Stan pushing him back into the seat) Ack! Choir: Good morning USA!! Go, Lindsay! Take it, Lindsay! Oh, God, I love you, Lindsay! (crack) (crowd cheering) (groans) (phone ringing loudly) ROGER: Somebody lower the godforsaken ringer! Hello? Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, so awful. Whew! All right, where was I? "Truth or Dare": Somebody ask me a truth. Nothing about crushes, I get embarrassed. What was that call? Oh, Lindsay, the babysitter, broke her leg. She has to cancel. Oh, man. I was really looking forward to our big date tonight. It was gonna be perfect. Tickets to Cavalia, the greatest horse show on Earth. (neighing) Oh, God. Nothing turns me on like horses and horse-related theater. Oh, it gets me going, too. (splutters) (shudders) Oh! That's why I got us a room afterwards at the DC Sheraton, for nasty hotel sex. A junior suite. Welp, if you guys cancel, you're out 200 bucks. What?! I was gonna surprise you. I hired Roger to drive us to the show in a horse-drawn carriage. Taking horses to watch horses? How bad does this girl want it? (chewing loudly) Damn it! If Lindsay can't babysit, we got to reschedule. I'll watch Steve. (all laugh) Why is that funny? Why is Mike & Molly funny? 'Cause they're fat. And this is funny 'cause you're irresponsible. I'm not irresponsible. You're one chore is to clean Klaus's bowl. How am I supposed to eat my cereal out of this? Come on, how hard is it to watch Steve? He doesn't even know how to get in trouble. He's a dweeb. (gasps) I'm not a dweeb. I-I'm a wild one. Just the other day, I was holding a hot dog as if it were a cigar. A cigar! (gasps) Oh, wait! We can't reschedule. This is Cavalia's last weekend. Wow. Stakes. Conference. (whispering) (continued whispering) Hayley, it is with many, many, many, many reservations that we say this, but you'll be babysitting Steve tonight. You guys have nothing to worry about. And if this goes well, maybe you can look after my baby next week. I found him in a hospital. Wow, you look so gorgeous! You look like that little *** from Tangled. Man, am I gonna give it to you tonight. Yeah, you are. Right after we watch horses together. (lascivious laugh) Yes. JEFF: Oh, yeah Hayley, did you fill up my car with gas after you borrowed it? If you need to go anywhere, I don't want you driving Steve in Jeff's sketchy van. He's precious cargo. Aww. No underwear? What's the point? Look, I got everything under control, okay? Now, go on, get out of here. (doorbell chimes) Evening, sir. I'm here for Mr. and Mrs. "For Display Purposes Only. This Is Not A Real Cell Phone." Well, see you tomorrow. Oh, and Hayley if you mess this up, I will never, ever trust you again. Bye, kids! Hey, babe, want a pot brownie? No! I'm babysitting. I'm being responsible. Good, 'cause I already ate both. Wait, did I? You did, bro. Steve, I'm calling in the pizza. (laughter) Steve, did you Invite my friends over without asking? Yeah. Cook an Italian dinner with only the freshest ingredients? You bet. You called me a dweeb, said I wasn't wild. How do you like me now? So, you made dinner? That's, that's crazy for you? Okay, well, try not to get Mom's apron dirty, wild man. Damn it, it's true. I'm not wild. (speaking Japanese) I don't know what you just said, but you said it in Asian. Speaking of Asians, I heard that Alpha Asian, Vince Chung, is having a party tonight. That's it! We'll go. That's how we'll be crazy. (all cheer) How's this for crazy? You just won the Super Bowl! (screams) It's boiling! Gonna be a fun night, guys. (moaning) Folks, we'll be at Cavalia in no time. If you're gonna do it back there, I have a family-size tub of Kirkland lubricant under the seat. If you could please pass it forward, I'll be using it while I watch you. Thanks, but we're holding off so we can really explode later. Of course. There's a blanket by your feet if you get chilly on the highway. Oh the what? Highway. Hyah! (horns honking) They're just honking 'cause they're jealous. (laughter) STEVE: Welp, we're heading out. Hitting the town, wild-style. Uh, I didn't BM after dinner, but I'm gonna leave the house anyway, see what happens. Caution to the wind. Okay, Steve, real cute. Mom and Dad put me in charge, and you're not going anywhere. But, you can't I said no. Now, go upstairs and play with yourselves. (gasps) Unbelievable, Hayley. No, no, Steve, great idea. Let's go to your room and play with ourselves. Are we Are we actually gonna do this? I wish Mom and Dad could've seen that. Me, too, man. I think I'm really proving myself. Me, too, man. This is gonna sound weird, but, for the first time in my life, I feel like a grown woman. Me, too, man. (screaming) (thud, groan) Run! Come on, Jeff! (screams) (cheering) Oh, nu-uh, not on my watch! (car sputters) (sputtering dies) Oh, son of a ***! I was supposed to get gas. Did you? Hey, Lindsay. How you holding up there, champ? Pretty good, Doc. (chuckles) (seriously): No, no, you're not. The fracture actually triggered an aggressive staph infection. In all likelihood, you're going to lose your leg. Looks like you, young man, have a medical problem, too. W-What-What's that? You've lost your nose! (chuckling): Yes, you did. JEFF: Babe, slow down! So Steve snuck out? It's no big deal. It is a big deal. My parents already think I'm a joke. Don't worry, babe, we'll find him. Steve! MAN: What? No, we're looking for Steve. That's my name. Babe, I don't know what to do here. Man, I'm pumped for Vince Chung's party. Y'all say Vince Chung's party? They're letting nerds like you in, y'all must be bringing some serious liquor. Yeah, of course we are. (stammering): How else would we get in? (honks bike horn) Move it! Oh, hell no! Go on, get! Roger, I don't We got this! Oh, you ***! (truck horn blares) (chuckles) That's what you get for tangling with a Honda. Every time. Now how are we gonna get to Cavalia? I don't know, maybe we should just go home. I'm kind of worried about leaving Hayley in charge, anyway. No, no, no. You hired me to get you to Cavalia, and I'm gonna get you there. Now, Diamond! Now, Nanny McPhee! Welp, only one way home. Whee! Damn it, they're not here. Where would four high school kids go? MAN: Yo, Donnie! Doing another delivery to that high school kid's party? Yeah! This party's very close and easy to get to. Just a left on Sycamore and a right on Sherbourne, and you're there. Did you hear that? Steve and his friends are definitely gonna be at that party. Mm-hmm. I guess the only question is: What are we talking about? MAN: I'm gonna call you, Barry. I'm gonna hold you to that, Nate! Okay, so we just need to find a kind stranger to buy us liquor. MAN: Hey uh, you boys need some ***? I'll get you ***. But you got to do something for me. Uh, I need you to go buy me, like, uh, like, a hundred boxes of Sudafed. Holy ***-moly! Of course we'll buy you medicine for your cold. Poor thing. Okay, great, great. Okay, I'll get the ***, you get the Suds. Here's some dough, here's some dough. Get a receipt. I get a really good vibe from that guy. Great vibe! Well, they're not upstairs. I don't see Steve and his friends anywhere. Sweet, we got away. Not helping. God, I need a drink. (scanner beeps) Mm! Making ***? (chuckles) Cute lisp. No, I'm not making a mess, I'm gonna buy these. Steve Smith. (giggles) You're funny. I'm Jenny. Either that or you're a vest thief. (laughs) Listen, I got to biggity-boing-boing-bounce, but unless I'm reading this wrong, which usually only happens with the menu at a Vietnamese restaurant we should hang soon. Here, take my "dig-ios." (alarm buzzing rapidly) I got to make some real changes. Great, great, great. The receipt in here? Oh, the receipt. Uh, yeah. We got ***, ***! And a stack of Spanish-language quinceaÃ±era cards? Wait, who put these in here? Shh. How much longer, Stan? Cavalia starts in ten minutes. We've got to be getting close. Look there, I see the lights. What the hell?! Stan, why did you lead us here? I wasn't leading. I don't speak horse, Francine. I'm not Matthew Broderick. They must've just taken us back to their home. Damn it! They tricked us, Francine. Don't ever trust a horse, I guess. We were bound to learn this lesson someday. Unfortunately, it was tonight, when the stakes have never been higher. (sighs) No Cavalia, no hotel sex. This night is ruined. I'm sorry, honey. I wanted it to be perfect. (neighs) What are they doing? I think they're performing for us. Our own private Cavalia. And who needs a hotel room? Oh, Stan. (moaning, kissing) Ho, ho, Sam, I'm back, baby. All right, let's get cooking. Where the hell's the receipt?! Oh, no! No! No! Those kids screwed me! (panting) What the hell are you oking at? Have fun. (kisses) Be safe. (kisses) Glad you're here. (kisses) Someone smells good. (kisses) (phone buzzes) She she-she texted me! Oh, this is the best night of my (slurring): Steven Anita Smith! (record needle screeches) You're in big trouble, mister. Oh, my God. You're wasted. Yeah, I'm wasted. 'Cause I-I, I spent the whole night looking for you. Get off me! (music resumes) (phone buzzes) It's Dad! Give it to me. You're gonna get us both in trouble. Hey, Pop! Steve? What's all that noise? Oh, me and Hayley are just playing a game called Black Restaurant. Sounds fun! Listen, honey, change of plans-- we're heading home early. See you in an hour. Mom and Dad are on their way home! We got to get back there before they do. Come on! Hayley is a terrible babysitter. Lindsay would've never let things get this out of control. How can I play soccer with one leg? I'm gonna lose my scholarship. Lindsay, you don't have to worry about any of that. I I don't? No, because the infection has spread to your heart. You'll be dead within 24 hours. (heart monitor beeps rapidly) (gasps) (flatline tone) Whoa! Well, I guess that's within 24 hours, so still a pretty good doctor! Keep puking, Hayley, while your 14-year-old brother drives your *** husband's van. Real responsible. This is all your fault. Mom and Dad are never gonna trust me again. (siren chirps) OFFICER (over speaker): Pull over! Oh, my God. Oh, my God! What do I do? Just try to act older. (deeper, raspy voice): Evening, Officer. Do you know why I pulled you over? Probably 'cause I prefer the feel of a real newspaper. (whispering): You're doing great. Let's go down the list: Tags expired, too young to drive, the drunk *** next to you isn't wearing her seat belt. Hey! And it reeks of marijuana in here. That's me; that's mine. You're doing great. All right, everybody out of the car. (screams) I'm gonna kill you kids! What?! Why?! We had a deal. You said the receipt was in the bag. This is about the receipt? I can get it! Jenny! Hey, it's me, Funny Cutie. Can I swing by? Oh, it's too late? Um, well, can I at least get your address so I can send you a fruit bouquet? Oh, those are wonderful. Hey, beautiful. (screams) W-What the hell is Shh Baby, baby, baby, it's your boy, Steve. Where is it?! (muffled scream) I-I need that receipt I wrote my number on! Whew! Guys, hey, let me just say I'm totally sorry, okay? You know what the thing is? I'm, like, really OCD about my accounting, and I'm on a ton of ***, so, you know, I'm kind of erratic. (laughs) You know, maybe this is a wake-up call for me. I got to clean myself up, right? I should go back to school.... (loud gunshot) Oh, my God, what have I done? This gun, I've never even fired it before! I heard Jennifer scream and everything went blank, and I killed a man! (sobbing): Who am I to take a life?! Am I beast or man? Beast! Daddy! (sobbing) (sobbing) Nooooo! Geez, get me out of here, huh? (laughter) Whew! Thank God they're not back yet. You guys should head home. So, we're not reporting any of the murders we saw tonight? I'm cool with that, I'm just checking. Whoo! I'm out of gas. See you all in the morning. That's a folksy way to say you're tired, huh? I like that. Out of gas. (inhales sharply) Mom's car! (grunting) I-I can't believe this. Mom and Dad were right-- I am irresponsible. I kind of didn't make it any easier for you. But the only reason I snuck out was 'cause you called me a dweeb. I wanted to prove you wrong. (horses galloping) Oh, my God-- horses. They're coming! (panting) We're screwed. We'll never make it without a miracle. (grunting) Goal! (neighs) Hey, Mom, hey, Dad Finger's up, shut up. How was she? You're supposed to ask the babysitter how the kid was. Bup-bup-bup! Steve? She She did great. Really responsible. (Roger yelling) I can't stop!