TransBOREmores / Star Wars: the Groan Wars

TransBOREmores
[Scene begins with Optimus Prime spinning]

Optimus Prime: I am Optimus Prime and I send this message to all Autobots. If you need to refuge, or just a place to crash for a few days, you can--

Sam Witwicky: Optimus! Stop inviting giant robots to stay at my house.

Optimus Prime: I didn't invite any robots.

Sam Witwicky: Really? I don't remember buying 7 new cars and parking them in my living room.

Cars: [Backing out] Escuse us, I'll just leave, Adios, Oh boy.

[Radio turns into a transformer and breaks oranges and plant.]

[Radio Transformer runs to Sam and pulls down his pants.]

Radio Transformer: [laughs]

Sam Witwicky: All right, that's it. You know, you need to get out of here. It was fine when you were saving the earth and all but it's--

Optimus Prime: What's that? The Decepticons are up to something really, really important this time. They want the uh.. [Looks at Dwayne Johnson poster] Rock of.. [Looks at Ke$ha poster] No Talent-Tron. Legend says its in some exotic place, maybe Paris. I always wanted to go to Paris.

Sam Witwicky: Go by yourself. I'm not helping you chase down another random robo-trinket.

[TV turns into a transformer and grabs Sam.]

Sam Witwicky: Fine. How are we getting to Paris?

Optimus Prime: By the power of your dad's wallet.

Sam Witwicky: Uhh. This is getting kind of boring.

(Title Card: Trans-Bore-Mores)

[Accordion Plays and scene goes to Optimus and Sam in Paris]

Sam Witwicky: Ok. Do I really need to pay for your flights. I mean, He's a jet for crying out loud.

Jet: Oops-a-daisy!

Optimus Prime: Autobots, roll out! Seek good souvenirs and fine cheeses.

Sam Witwicky: And the Rock of No-Talent Tron. Right?

Optimus Prime: Sure. Why not?

[Remy climbs on the table and pulls out a bill]

Optimus Prime: [Clears throat]

Sam Witwicky: [Groans]

[Scene changes to Hawaii with Hawaiian music playing]

Sam Witwicky: So the Eiffel Tower told you the rock is at my parents' time share in Hawaii?

Optimus Prime: He's one of our most trusted elders, Sam. We don't question it.

[Sips on coconut drink]

Sam Witwicky: Speaking of "we", who are these guys? Are they even Trans-Bore-Mores? I mean, I think he's just a car.

Mater: Tater salad.

Sam Witwicky: And that's just a guy doing the robot.

[Alfred E. Neuman does the robot with hip hop music playing]

Optimus Prime: Sam, two worlds at risk, trust is the most precious resource. Are you with us?

Sam Witwicky: Sure.

Optimus Prime: Great. Be a pal and get me another coconut mist, will you?

Sam Witwicky: All right, forget it. We're going home.

[Scene changes back at Sam's house, which is having a party with robots while disco music plays]

Sam Witwicky: How did they get in my house?

Optimus Prime: Maybe they found the key under the mat.

Sam Witwicky: There is no key under the mat.

Optimus Prime: Then it's probably that giant hole in your wall.

[Scene changes to a Robot-like hole appearing in the wall, Sam's eyes open wide]

Sam Witwicky: OK, everyone and everything that is a robot, get out.

[Robots leaving]

[Sam's desk, lamp and couch turn into transformers and leave too]

Random Robot: Bye-bye.

Random Robot 2: Let's go over to Voltron's.

Megatron: Hey, bro, thanks for letting me borrow your "Iron Giant" DVD. I really--

Optimus Prime: Chill, man. there's a human here.

Megatron: Oh, sorry, I mean, prepare to die, Prime! [Eyes shine]

Optimus Prime: You'll never win, Megatron!

[Both Transformers go to each other.]

[TING. TING. PLINK.]

Megatron: Yeah, you beat me. See ya.

[Megatron walks out through the kitchen's wall making another hole in the wall.]

Optimus Prime: Wow. That was close. Good thing you're letting us live among you, or else he would have captured the magical tree of--

Sam Witwicky: I thought it was a rock.

Optimus Prime: Huh?

(Title Card: Trans-Bore-Mores)

See-saw Fail
Boy: (While falling) ...AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Oof.

EPhonie cRap
Announcer: Let's say you've eaten a large Mexican meal before a long drive home. There's a crap for that.

BHHT! (Through the ePhonie)

Announcer: Or you have one of those bathrooms that's within earshot of the people sitting in the living room. There is a crap for that.

BHHT! (Through the bathroom)

Announcer: Or you go to a birthday party and discover you shouldn't be having dairy. Well, there is a crap for that too.

BHHT! (Through the ePhonie again)

Announcer: Yep, there is a crap for just about anything. The new ePhonie. It's all crap.

BHHHHHHHHHHHT! (Through the screen after the title.)

MAD Ask the Celebrity
Announcer: And now it's time for Ask a Celebrity.

Mila: Dear Miley Cyrus, Do you do anything special to prepare for a big show? -Mila, California

Miley Cyrus: To insure an electric performance, I rub cats on my feet and walk on a wool carpet.

Zeb: Dear Simon Cowell, Why are you always so grouchy? -Zeb, Colorado

Simon Cowell: Because my shoes are made of porcupines.

Zeb: But why are the porcupines so grouchy?

Porcupine: Because we got Simon Cowell on our backs.

Scott: Dear Shaun White, How did you get your hair so long? -Scott, Long Island

Shaun White: Every morning I start fresh by putting putty dough in my chest and lowering my arms.

[Enter MAD News.]

MAD News
MAD News Anchor: We interupt this program with breaking news. An octopus is trying to open a jar of peanut butter.

Octopus: (Grunts while trying to open the jar of peanut butter)

MAD News Anchor: Peanut butter, is it worth it? We now return you to your regularly scheduled program!

Doogie Air
Dog: (Waves tounge out)

People: (Screaming)

How I Met My Brother
Narrator: What if you met someone who walked, talked, and looked just like you... but wasn't you?

(Dramatic music)

Brother #1: Who are you?

Brother #1 & #2: *Gasp*

Mom: He's your brother, you idiot!

Narrator: It's the season premiere of How I Met My Brother!

Brother #1 & #2: AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!

Brother #1: You do look a lot like me.

Dad: You're twin brothers, What don't you guys understand?

Narrator: And it's a special day for everyone.

Mom and Dad: Happy Birthday

Brother #2: It's my birthday!

Brother #1: It can't be. It's my birthday!

Brother #2: Am I in some kind of alternate reality?

Brother #1: *blinks*

Mom and Dad: You're brothers!

Dog: *Barks*

Brother #1 & #2: We're what?

Cat: *Meows*

Brother #1 & #2: We're what?

Narrator: How I Met My Brother...Is canceled.

Jargle Germ Audition
Announcer: Jargle: It kills the germs that cause bad breath.

Germ: (Pretending to Die and making dying noises)

Man: Ah, thank you. We-we'll call you.

Germ: I don't know what you people want man, that's exactaly what it sounds like when a germ gets killed. Ah, I didn't go to four years of Juiliar for nothing.

The Wolverclean
Wolverine: Has this ever happened to you?

Or this?

[punch]

Wolverine: Hi, I'm Wolverine and if their's one thing I hate, is cleaners that don't do their jobs. That's why I designed The Wolverclean. A revolutionary new glove that'll make fighting dirt extra easy. With its three grime-fighting attachment, you'll be able to scrub...

[snikt]

[screams]

brush...

[snikt]

[screams]

and buffer.

Aah! Take the car, man! Don't hurt me!

Wolverine: But don't just take my word for it, listen to these true believers.

Iron Man: I love it. My armor's the shiniest it has ever been.

Mr. Fantastic: It's fantastic. The Wolverclean got into areas even I couldn't reach.

Magneto: I hate it, it punctured my armor and nearly sliced my arm off. Wait that was Wolverine. What did you say? The Wolverclean? Oh, oh, oh I love the Wolverclean.

Wolverine: Plus, if you decide to keep it, I'll send you the Wolversteam. It can get out all of your toughest stains.

Urrh?

Wolverine: Remember, I'm the best at what I do and what I do is clean your house. The Wolverclean, on sale now.

Spacenook
Alien 1: Hey, this is kinda awkward to ask, but... why did you de-friend me on Spacenook?

Alien 2: Well, because you wrote "BLOODEEDOODEEDOOWAHA!" on my wall. Dude, my mom reads my wall.

The Zit
Boy: (Trying to squeeze zit making squeaking sounds)

(Zit pops and out comes a lot of gross stuff)

Boy: Aaah!

Spy vs. Spy
(Black Spy pushes a big stick of dynamite in back of White Spy. White Spy cuts of the light fo the dynamite.)

White Spy: (Laughs)

(But a lion comes out of it and attacks White Spy)

Lion: (Roars)

White Spy: Aaah!

Black Spy: (Laughs)

Batman Alarm Clock
(Alarm clock beeps)

Batman: (Grunts and moves in bed)

(Batman turns off clock and goes back to sleep)

Batman: Five more minutes

Star Wars: the Groan Wars
[Title Card: Star Wars: the Groan Wars]

[WHEN USING A FAX, DOCUMENTS SHOULD BE PLACED FACING UP]

Announcer: Bounty hunters, enemy fighters and fancy CGI can't save these characters from looking just as wooden as Pinocchio...

[Pinnocchio picture appears]

Announcer: ... Who, on a secret mission, leads the Jedi against the evil Count Poo Poo.

Count Poo Poo: You have learned much, Master Occhio.

Pinocchio: I'm full of surprises, Poo Poo.

[Pinocchio's nose turns big and into a lightsaber]

Count Poo Poo: I take it that's a lie.

[Pinocchio and Count Poo Poo duel]

[Count Poo Poo slashes Pinocchio's lines, and down goes Gepetto's puppet]

[Scene goes to Geppetto]

Geppetto: [With Italian Accent] Ah, no, Pinocchio! Why you no have more midi-chlorinis?

[Scene goes back to Pinocchio, who is lying down, and Count Poo Poo]

[two droids appear at door]

Count Poo Poo: Take him away. Then give Poo Poo a nice diagonal wipe.

[Right on cue, scene goes to Obi-Wan Kenobi with two clones]

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Rex, we've got to get those plans.

Spot: Yeah, I'm actually Spot. That's Rex.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Oh sorry, Spot.

Checkers: Actually, I'm Checkers.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ugh. I hate working with clones.

[Obi cuts the door with his lightsaber in Ghostbusters logo style]

[The door goes down]

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Give it up, Poo Poo. Your army is on its last legs.

Count Poo Poo: [playing pool... with his lightsaber] Says who?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Well, for starters, that last battle droid is just a repurposed Spell & Check.

Spell & Check: Spell "Coruscant". C--

[Spell & Check's face gets shot off]

Count Poo Poo: This is where Poo Poo starts to run.

[Poo Poo runs away under blaster fire]

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Manakin, Poo Poo's escaping.

[Scene goes to Manakin and Sudoku]

Manakin: Sudoku!

Sudoku: Yes, Master?

Manakin: Prepare to catch Poo Poo.

Sudoku: Ughh. I hate his name, but I love lasagna.

Bad Name: Wait 'til you get a load of me.

Sudoku: ... I think the gardener's here.

Bad Name: I'm the bounty hunter known as Bad Name.

Manakin: I'm guessing "Bad Outfit" was already taken.

Bad Name: [Mocking] "I'm guessing Bad Outfit was already taken!"

Manakin: Old Jedi mind trick.

Bad Name: It wasn't a Jedi mind trick. I was clearly mocking you. But I am free for landscaping and general lawn care. No? Not interested? Then die!

[Bad Name starts to fight Manakin and Sudoku]

[Scene goes to Poo Poo running and talking to Palpatine who appears as a hologram.]

Palpatine: What's the news, Poo Poo?

Count Poo Poo: Actually, you're in the potato salad.

Palpatine: What?! Oh, gross. [Splat] Did you g-get the plan?

Count Poo Poo: Uh. My lord, you seem to be breaking up a bit.

Palpatine: [In real life] Huh? Oh, sorry. I'm... microwaving a burrito.

Count Poo Poo: Not to worry, my lord. Soon, the entire galaxy will be yours to rule.

Palpatine: [Back to hologram] Rule? Who wants to rule it? I want to own it. You have any idea what the toy rights are worth?

Count Poo Poo: Then what are these plans for?

Palpatine: Duh. An amusement park!

[Scene goes to Palpatine dancing with techno beat near Six Fetts Star Wars Mountain.]

Count Poo Poo: But what about the Senate and the--

Palpatine: Blah, blah, blah. That's a day job. The real money's in marketing. Luckily, my other clone army has been much more productive.

Count Poo Poo: What "other clone army"?

[Scene goes back to the trio of Sudoku, Manakin, and Obi-Wan]

Manakin: Oh, no. Look. (Scene goes to George clone army) Georgetroopers.

Georgetrooper: You, take their lightsabers. You, create a video game. You, make an animated sitcom. I want a bounty hunter clothing line by the end of the week.

Mannequin: I've got a bad feeling about this.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: You and the rest of the universe.

George Lucas: (Talking to a droid) Take 'em away.

Droid: Roger roger.

Buster: Actually, that's Roger. I'm Buster.

Sparky: No, I'm Sparky.

Sudoku: Ughh... I hate mondays!

[Scene ends with Palpatine dancing at bottom right corner with techno beat playing.]

5-second Cartoon
(From The Zit)

(Boy keeps squeezing zit making squeaking sounds)