You Can't Do That on Television, Peter

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Need to move? No problem. Take it yourself with U-Haul. But I've never driven a truck before. No problem. U-Haul lets anyone drive a giant truck, even though it's dangerous, because, hey, you're moving. Sorry, I'm making a go of it in a new city. All right, I'll see you guys in a couple of days. Where are you going? I'm off to take pictures of lesbian butts. What? Joe and Quagmire and I are making a coffee table book called Lesbian Butts in '80s Jeans. I already got the first chapter right here. Where'd you take all these pictures? You know, coffee houses, Chevy dealerships, all the usual places. Peter, you're not doing that. I got a ton of errands to run, and I need your help around here. Well, fine, if I can't do the book I'm gonna hurt something you love. You happy now? Maybe we should discuss this in the other room. I don't like fighting in front of the kids. No, I want to fight in front of the kids. I feed off the excitement of an audience. Peter, for once you're going to stay here and help around the house. Now, I need you to watch Stewie till I get back. Whoever did this, thank you. All right, Stewie, since Lois says I got to keep an eye on you, we might as well have some father-son time, so I'm gonna measure your penis and then I'm gonna measure my penis, and we're gonna see whose is bigger. Doesn't really seem fair. All right, let's see what you got. Stupid game anyway. Hey, kids, coming up next, it's the Jolly Farm Revue marathon. No, no, don't switch it. I want to watch Jolly Farm. Son of a bitch. I got to spend the rest of the day watching stupid kid shows. I'd rather watch paint dry. Nice. Wakey, wakey. Good morning, Mother Maggie. Heh, who's this? I like this lady. Hey, do you think Mother Maggie is married to Father Fa? Oh, probably not. And the unicorn slid down the rainbow to a field of jellybeans where she and the other villagers decided it had been the best day ever. Oh, look, it's Pengrove Pig, and he's sharing his apples nicely, isn't he? Like a champ he is. Head, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees and toes. And that's how you make a duck out of an oatmeal container. This is the greatest show in the history of television. Mother Maggie, you are a kindred spirit. This must be how twins who are separated at birth feel when they first meet. Trade house keys, bang each other's wives? Yep. I can't dissect this pig, Mr. Kingman. It's against my religion. Believe me, Neil, it's no thrill for the pig to touch a Jew either. Okay, how about you, Meg, how are you doing? Pretty good. It's, it's kind of cool cutting something that's not me. Wow, that's some very impressive work. It's easy for Meg to dissect a pig because she is a pig. Hey! All right, I'll let that one slide. Meg, you have some real potential. Have you ever thought about becoming a doctor when you grow up? I always just assumed I'd work on the docks. Don't limit yourself, Meg. Doctors wear a mask most of the time, so this isn't an issue. If you're interested the school has a program where you can shadow a real doctor and learn more about the medical field. Yeah, wow, I'd love to check that out. Great, I'll set it up. I didn't know a pig could be a doctor. Hey! You get just a few more of those. Now, children, we're going to learn who wears a hat. Can a fireman wear a hat? Yes. No? Yes. Can a policeman wear a hat? Yes. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes. Yes, he can, I knew that. Now, you at home, tell me, who else wears a hat? A very formal horse? Very good. Even a bowling ball can wear a hat if you use your imagination. A bowling ball wearing a hat? This is what high-def was invented for. Peter, what the hell are you doing? Being a good dad like you asked. I've been watching Jolly Farm with Stewie for the last three hours. That's not Stewie, that's a pineapple. Oh, my God, where is Stewie? I don't know, but I'm sure he's fine. Peter, he's a baby. You can't leave him alone. Come on, it's good to have some alone time. You know, I spent a year alone on a desert island with nothing but a monkey to keep me company. You're saved, sir, we're going to get you back to civilization. And how about we bring along your monkey pal? Okay. Yeah, we can teach him sign language and he can tell us stories about what you two did on the island together. No, n-no, no, no, let's, let's not, let's not bring the monkey. Um, I have a peanut M&M up my nose and it's now further up than my finger can reach. I am ready to farm this out to someone. Oh, Stewie, there you are. Peter, I asked you to do one simple thing-- watch the baby-- and you couldn't even do that. Come on, Stewie. Geez, why's she got to be such a nag? I wish she was more like Mother Maggie. Mother Maggie has an announcement, lads and lasses. I've had such fun playing and learning with you these last few years, but now, just as bees must leave the hive, I must leave Jolly Farm-- not that you asked, but to have fertility treatments-- so this will be our last episode of Jolly Farm. What? No. They can't cancel Jolly Farm. Peter, it's just a stupid kids' show. Just a stupid kids' show? What about Pengrove Pig and the Lollipop Luau? I-I-I don't know. This is going to leave a void, and somebody's got to fill it. I think you're overreacting. You don't understand, Brian. What am I supposed to do without Jolly Farm? I'll be like an Italian mom without bad kids. Hey, hey, hey, what the hell is all the commotion in here? We're not doing anything. You getting fresh with me? I'm tired of bailing both of youse out of prison. We're both in college and we consistently make the dean's list. I'm telling your father. Good. Where the hell is our food? Yeah, where are Mom and Dad? And where's that awesome finger painting Stewie did this morning? Oh, here it is. Thank you for bringing it up. I wasn't going to bring it up. Well, what's going on? You haven't eaten yet? No. Where's your father? He was supposed to put the lasagna in the oven. I ask him to do one thing while I'm at yoga. You go to an intro class and it's not even at the yoga studio. It's in someone's living room. And that's not even a yoga mat. That's the old pee pad from my crib. Uh, Lois, you might want to check this out. What is it, Brian? Take a look. And now, boys and girls, it's time for Petey's Funhouse. It's gonna be fun and we'll have lots of yuks And maybe learn some stuff but not definitely It's the Petey's Funhouse show. Ugh, another Aaron Sorkin show that's way over everyone's head. How the hell did you even get a TV show, Peter? I just answered an ad off Craigslist, and after several hours of sexual torture, I had a show. Don't answer that. I gave out that number under duress. Lois, Peter's show is on the local public access channel. Anyone can have one. Yeah, Petey's Funhouse is actually replacing The Bad Audio Basement Show. And once the hot glue dries, your birdhouse will be complete. Peter, you already do nothing around the house and now you're wasting more time with this nonsense. Geez, you're still getting on my hump about this? I help out around here. Just this morning I changed Meg's diaper and I sent her off to school. Boy, can she kick, but she left here spotless. Dr. Hartman, thanks for letting me shadow you. I just know I'm going to learn so much. It's my pleasure, Meg, and you're in good hands. You see that diploma? Yale Medical School. Wow, that's impressive. Thank you, I work very hard on my calligraphy. So, how about we take a little stroll around the hospital? This area is known as a hallway. Don't worry, you'll pick up on all the technical doctor jargon pretty soon. Hey, is it prescription or perscription? I think it's prescription. Prescription that just feels weird in my mouth. Perscription is better. Oh, and there's the E. R. Don't go in there unless you want everyone to yell at you. Hi, kids, I'm Petey Griffin. Hi, Petey! We're going to have so much fun on Petey's Funhouse today, but before we begin, your friend Petey wants to sing you a song. What makes you so special? The fact that you are special But if everybody's special That kinda waters it down So some of you ain't special I can tell you who is special Like you and you ain't special. And you are and you're not. Okay, kids, it's story time here on Petey's Funhouse. Today's story is Lesbian Butts in '80s Jeans. Ooh, that's a classic. Once upon a time, some chick in a leather jacket in front of me in the parking lot walked into Home Depot, and her butt looked like this. Everybody see this? Everybody see how shapeless this is? She walked out of there with a bag of soil on each shoulder. Now, before I show you this next one, has anyone here ever heard of the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally? I know we have a lot of yuks here on Petey's Funhouse, but one thing that's not fun is a bully. Now, how many of you kids out there have ever gotten bullied? Aw, come on up here and tell us about it, champ. Well, my name is Winston, and I'm quite fond of ballet. One time I tried out for Little League in my ballet shoes, and the other kids made so much fun of me, I wet my pants. What, wait, what, like pee? How old were you? Eight. Aah, too old! Too old to be peeing yourself, Baby Pee Pants. All right, you kids finish him off. Hey, what do you got there? Oh, I'm just playing with some Lee Logs. What the hell are Lee Logs? A little something I created-- Lee Logs. Robert E. Lee. You know, you got Lincoln Logs, you got Lee Logs. I don't get it, can, can you build a house? You can build quarters. And people live there? They live there if you tell 'em to live there. I don't know if I like the idea of Lee Logs. Yeah, they're not selling very well. Peter, dinner! No dinner for me tonight, Lois. I have to go work on a bit for tomorrow's show. If I can kill 25 butterflies in a minute, I won't have to show the audience my balls. Peter, this is the fourth night in a row you've skipped out on us to work on your show. Once again, I'm gonna be stuck cleaning up the kitchen, helping out with homework, and bathing Stewie. You know, I'd lay off the nagging if I was you. I'm a children's TV star now. I can have any three-year-old girl I want. Just know that, Lois. Peter, I'm only asking you to do your share. Well, it's getting on my nerves. Like, right now, you are the most annoying thing in my life, with the possible exception of Evite. What's this? It's this Web site you can use to invite people to stuff. Does it have to be a significant event? No. Not at all! Well, do you just get the invitation, and that's the end of it? No, it'll remind you about it constantly! Is there any way I can customize this to showcase my personality through familiar clip art? Yes! And what about those replying? Can they demonstrate their sense of humor through hilarious replies? Yes, yes, yes to everything you're saying! I'm so excited to get started! You do that while I jump out this window! Evite. Tell a friend and then kill yourself. And then when you get a little older, stuff will come out. Uh-oh! Sounds like my cranky new neighbor just got home. I hope she doesn't come over here and give me the business. Peter! Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy. Never mind with "hi!" It sounds like someone's having fun over here! You know I don't like that! Hey, kids. Meet Saggy Naggy. Real nice lady, huh? No! What can I do for you, Saggy Naggy? You can stop having fun! But we like fun, don't we, kids? Yes! Well, too bad, 'cause you're all gonna eat your vegetables, listen to long stories about my cousins, and help me fold sheets! And you! You're gonna help around the house, take out the garbage, and give Stewie his bottle! Yeah, I heard it. They say my name on TV all the time; calm down, bitch. Make me dinner, and go rent Twilight, and do mouth stuff on me, even though it's been a day-and-a-half since I've showered, and I've used several public bathrooms in the interim! Sounds like this could go on for a while, kids. Hey, Saggy Naggy, I know what'll cheer you up. Do you like pie? I guess. Well, how does this taste? Well, I guess she thought it was a no-pies-in-the-face kind of neighborhood. Wrong assessment of the neighborhood, sweetheart! And how are you today, Mr Pa-ti-ent? My last name is Saunders. That's an interesting pronunciation. This is Meg; she's shadowing me today. And boy, could she put the applesauce away in the commissary. Hi. Little tip, Meg: The inside of this folder has a diagram of the human body. Kind of a cheat sheet. Now see, right now, I'm listening for cancer. Do you mean his heartbeat? Maybe. Here, you take a turn. Wow, your heartbeat sounds a little fast. Do you smoke? Actually, I do. Ah, me, too. Isn't it great? Well, that's bad for you. You shouldn't do it. It raises your heart rate and can lead to emphysema or cancer. That's impressive, Meg. It's no big deal. It's just stuff I learned in health class. Well, you're clearly a bright, young lady. And you've got quite a head on your shoulders. Thanks. Dr. Hartman, you just got this urgent message. Oh, dear. Prilosec, huh? No, it's below that. Oh. Oh, my God. Meg, I'm afraid my brother just tried to kill himself in prison. I-I have to go. You're gonna have to take things from here, I guess. What?! What are you talking about? Well, you now know about as much as I do about this whole doctor thing. But I have no formal medical training. Ah, you'll be fine. I think that book on the shelf has most of the stuff in there. And don't forget the cheat sheet if you need a helping hand. Are we really buying fish at the same place we buy tires? And, w-what "Fazio"? What, is that a brand of Blu-ray player? Stewie, this sweatshirt is so sophisticated. Look, it says New York. People will think I'm from there. Put your phone away; we're at a funeral! Oh, my God. Look! It's Saggy Naggy. Boo! You're mean. I don't like you, Saggy Naggy. You stink, Saggy Naggy. My goodness, that's a very rude thing to say to someone. Calling them Saggy What the hell?! Young man, what do you think you're Lois, I just saw Jessica Alba on television. We've got 90 seconds; let's go! Peter, I'm not in the mood! That's okay. We can do it anyway. Peter, I was assaulted in public because of you! Oh, my God, what happened?! I'll tell you what happened. A group of kids attacked me at Costmart because you portrayed me on your show as a raging puppet bitch! Writers take from their lives. You married a creative type. You knew this was a risk. What's that supposed to mean? Well, the last few weeks, you've been nagging the hell out of me. Peter, you think I like nagging you? One of us needs to be an adult in this marriage, and it's clearly not you. Is this about me wetting the bed just now? Peter, don't you understand that I'm just looking out for this family? Besides, without my nagging, you'd probably get yourself killed. Or laid. Right, frat house? Yeah! Those knuckleheads should be studying. Okay, you know what? Fine, Peter, that's it. From now on, I'm not nagging you anymore. You're not? No, you're on your own. I'm done with it. I'm done with all of it! Well, great, I should probably get some sleep. Tomorrow on Petey's Funhouse, we're doing who's on first. I'm gonna play Costello, and Abbott is gonna be played by live puma. Peter, that sounds really d you know what? Sounds great. Have fun. Thanks, Lois. Good night. Lois? Other families fight, too, right? Not this much. Do you think maybe we should think about getting a It is what it is. Let's just get Stewie to college and go from there. Sir, if you're gonna want me to examine where you're having an issue, you're gonna have to be more specific than "thingee". Okay. It's not the front thingee. What's going on in here? Where's Dr. Hartman? He had a family emergency. I'm not really a doctor but I've been sort of filling in for him. You what?! Well, I think I want to go into medicine, so I was shadowing Dr. Hartman. I've actually been learning a lot, but then he just left me here! Well, you don't belong here! This is a professional medical institution with standards and regulations to adhere to! But, but I I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry. I'll go. My issue has resolved itself. And don't go anywhere, kids, 'cause coming up, we got some classic comedy with me and a puma. Is Dad really gonna do this? I told your father I was gonna leave him alone. Saggy Naggy is keeping out of this. Is the puma ready? Maybe we should poke him with the "is-the-Puma-ready?" stick. Oh, my god, I can't let him do this! Come on, kids! We got to get down to that TV studio! Okay, yeah, just step on the coloring book. That's cool. I'm asking you who's on first? Oh, my God! Peter! Cut the camera! Cut it! Roll a "Petey Learn-A-Long Song"! Kentucky is a state Kentucky is a state All the people there are dicks Kentucky is a state. Oh, he's hurt bad. Someone call 911! He's bleeding too much! He needs attention now! Somebody help him! Do something! Now she's nagging everyone. Does anyone have any medical training?! It looks like his jugular is severed. I learned this at the hospital. Mr. Swanson, find me a first-aid kit! Mom, hand me those towels. Did I hold on to the ball? Hang in there, Dad. I'm gonna get you fixed up. You can do it, Meg. Come on, Meg. You've got to save him! Peter, you need to let go. L-Lois? Oh, Peter, thank God! You're okay. I guess you were right about that puma. I don't know what I was thinking. I should've listened to you. Peter, I don't care about that. I acted like a real jerk, and I'm sorry, Lois. I know you just get on my case 'cause you're looking out for me. I am, Peter. And it's only because I love you and I want the best for you and our family. I love you, too, Lois. Isn't anybody gonna thank me? Yeah, I'll have a water if you're getting one. Mr. Griffin, you have a visitor. Hey. Hey. I get it now. "Who" is the man's name. Aha, ah!