The Music Man

1 (TRAIN WHISTLING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) CONDUCTOR: River City Junction. River City, next station stop! River City next! Board! It's them big new department stores back East. They let folks buy anything on credit! If I don't give credit, I'm gonna lose customers! You're crazy with the heat. Credit is no good for a notion salesman. Why not? What's the matter with credit? It's old-fashioned. Charlie, you're an anvil salesman, your firm give credit? No, sir! Nor anybody else. Cash for the merchandise cash for the button-hooks Cash for the cotton goods cash for the hard goods Cash for the soft goods cash for the fancy goods Cash for the noggins and the piggins and the firkins Cash for the hogshead cask, and demijohn Cash for the crackers and the pickles and the fly-paper Look, whadayatalk, whadayatalk, whadayatalk whadayatalk, whadayatalk? Wheredayagitit? Whadayatalk? You can talk, you can talk you can bicker, you can talk You can bicker bicker bicker, you can talk you can talk You can talk, talk, talk talk, bicker, bicker, bicker You can talk all you wanna but it's different than it was No it ain't, no it ain't but you gotta know the territory (CLINKING SPOON) (TRAIN WHISTLING) Why it's the Model T Ford made the trouble made the people wanna go Wanna git, wanna git wanna git up and go Seven, eight, nine, ten, twelve, fourteen, twenty-two Twenty-three miles to the county seat SALESMAN 1: Yes, sir Yes, sir SALESMAN 3: Who's gonna patronize A little bitty two-by-four kinda store anymore? Whatdayatalk, whatdayatalk? Wheredyagitit? It's not the Model T at all Take a gander at the store At the modern store At the present-day store At the present-day modern departmentalized grocery store Whadayatalk, whadayatalk whadayatalk, whadayatalk whadayatalk? Wheredyagitit? Whadayatalk, whadayatalk whadayatalk? Wheredayagitit? You can talk you can bicker you can talk, you can bicker You can talk, talk, talk talk, bicker, bicker, bicker You can talk all you wanna but it's different than it was No it ain't but you gotta know the territory Why, it's the Uneeda biscuit made the trouble Uneeda, Uneeda, put the crackers in a package in a package The Uneeda biscuit in an air-tight sanitary package Made the cracker barrel obsolete, obsolete Obsolete, obsolete obsolete SALESMAN 4: Cracker barrel went out the window with the Mail Pouch cut plug Chawin' by the stove Changed the approach Of a travelin' salesman Made it pretty hard No it didn't, no it didn't but you gotta know the territory Gone, gone Gone with the hogshead cask, and demijohn Gone with the sugar barrel pickle barrel, milk pan Gone with the tub and the pail and the tierce Ever meet a fellow by the name a'Hill? Hill? Hill? Hill? Hill? Hill? Hill? Hill? Hill! ALL: No! Just a minute, just a minute, just a minute SALESMAN 4: Never heard a' any salesman Hill. Now, he doesn't know the territory Doesn't know the territory? What's the fella's line? Never worries 'bout his line Never worries 'bout his line? Or the cracker barrel bein' obsolete Or the Uneeda biscuit in an air-tight sanitary package or the Model T Ford CHARLIE: Just a minute just a minute, just a minute SALESMAN 5: Never worries 'bout his line SALESMAN 2: Never worries 'bout his line? Or a doggone thing He's just a bang beat bell-ringin' big haul Great go, neck-or-nothin' rip-roarin' Ever-time-a-bull's eye salesman, that's Professor Harold Hill, Harold Hill Tell us, what's his line? What's his line? He's a fake and he doesn't know the territory Look, whadayatalk whadayatalk, whadayatalk whadayatalk? He's a music man He's a what? He's a what? He's a music man and he sells clarinets To the kids in the town with the big trombones And the ratatat drums and the big brass bass big brass bass And the piccolo the piccolo Uniforms too, with the shiny gold braid on the coat And a big red stripe running... Well, I don't know much about bands But I do know you can't make a livin' sellin' big trombones. No, sir Mandolin picks, perhaps, and here and there a jews-harp No, the fella sells bands Boys' bands I don't know how he does it But he lives like a king And he dallies and he gathers and he plucks and he shines And when the man dances certainly, boys, what else? The piper pays him Yes, sir Yes, sir Yes, sir Yes, sir When the man dances, certainly, boys, what else? The piper pays him ALL: Yes, sir Yes, sir But he doesn't know the territory! (TRAIN BRAKING) CONDUCTOR: River City! River City! River City! We've crossed the state line into Iowa. River City, population 2,212. Cigarettes illegal in this state. Board! All right, if you're all through, I'll tell you about Harold Hill! You really know Harold Hill? Never saw him in my life, but I know this much, he's giving every one of us a black eye! After he's worked a town over, the very next salesman automatically gets tarred and feathered, rode out to the city limits on a rail. (LAUGHING) You think that's funny? Well, wait till it happens to you! The hair never grows back. But why should he get rode out 'a town on a rail? Because in order to sell band instruments, and uniforms, and instruction booklets, he has to guarantee to teach them kids to play. Well? And form them kids into a band, with himself as the leader! SALESMAN 5: What's wrong with that? CHARLIE: He don't know one note from another, that's what's wrong with that! He can't tell a bass drum from a pipe organ! I'll catch up with that swindlin' two-bit thimble rigger, and when I do I'm gonna squeal on him so loud. Pardon. Yeah. Sure would like to be around when you catch up with that fella. Me, too. Well, it won't be on this trip. Not in Iowa. Even the great Professor Hill wouldn't try to sell to them neck-bowed Hawkeyes out here, huh? (ALL LAUGHING) CONDUCTOR: All aboard. Gentlemen, you intrigue me. I think I'll have to give Iowa a try. I don't believe I caught your name. Don't believe I threw it! Harold Hill. That's him! It's you! You're him, you're Harold Hill! You're Harold Hill. That's him, fellows. That's him. That's the fellow! That's the fellow we were just talking about! That's... Right... That's Harold Hill! I won't forget your face, Hill! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Good day! Got a hotel in this town? Yeah, it's not in town. Can you tell me where it is? Straight through town, turn right, come to the fork, go on from there. Left or right? Doesn't matter to me. Thanks, anyway. Oh, there's nothing halfway about the Iowa way To treat you when we treat you Which we may not do at all There's an Iowa kinda special chip-on-the-shoulder Attitude we've never been without That we recall We can be cold as our falling thermometer in December If you ask about our weather in July And we're so by-God stubborn we can stand touchin' noses For a week at a time and never see eye-to-eye But what the heck you're welcome join us at the picnic You can have your fill of all the food you bring yourself You really ought to give Iowa a try Provided you are contrary Good afternoon, Mayor Shinn. Good afternoon, Mayor Shinn. It is, if you wanna go 'round in your drawers all day. ...and there I was in Madison Hospital and nobody come to see me. Cousin Will never come, and Aunt Bertha never come. Aunt Bertha's dead. Ah, she wouldn't have come anyway. We can be cold as a falling thermometer in December If you ask about our weather in July And we're so by-God stubborn we can stand touchin' noses For a week at a time and never see eye-to-eye But we'll give you our shirt And a back to go with it If your crop should happen to die So what the heck you're welcome glad to have you with us Even though we may not ever mention it again (CAMERA CLICKS) You really ought to give Iowa Hawkeye, Iowa, Dubuque, Des Moines, Davenport, Marshalltown, Mason City, Keokuk, Ames, Clear Lake Ought to give Iowa a try You really ought to give Iowa a try. GIRL: It's not fair. She started it. I'd like a room near a bath, please. Facing the back. Gregory! Marcellus! Why, you old son of a gun! Shh! But, Greg... Hill's the name. Professor Harold Hill. But Greg, what are you doing here? Why didn't you let me know you was coming? I didn't know I was myself. Besides, how could I know you'd end up in a little tank town like this? Well. You were a pretty big slicker when you were in business with me. Too many close shaves hawking for you. Besides, I got me a nice comfortable girl. Ethel Toffelmier, my boss's niece. Gone legitimate, huh? I always knew you'd come to no good. So, what's the new pitch? Oh, you're not back in the band business! I heard you was in steam automobiles. I was. What happened? Somebody actually invented one. No! So, uh, give me the lowdown around here, Marce. Oh, you'll never get anywhere in the band business with these stubborn Iowans, Greg. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Besides we got this stuck-up music teacher who'll expose you before you get your grip unpacked. Male or female? The music teacher? She's a librarian. Female. Perfect! That's what I wanted to hear. If she passes by, point her out to me. I will. This your best room? (CHUCKLES) Afraid so. How you gonna start the pitch? Same old way. Keep that music teacher off balance, and my next step will be to get your town out of the serious trouble it's in. River City isn't in any trouble. Then I'll have to create some. I've got to create a desperate need for a boys' band. You remember. Now what's new around here, Marce? What can I use? MARCE: Hmm, let's see. Nothin'. Except the billiard parlor's just put in a new pool table. They never had a pool table here before? No, only billiards. That'll do. I'll see you downstairs in a little while, Marce, and you can show me around. And don't forget, music teacher. Music teacher. (BELL DINGING) (BILLIARD BALLS CRASHING) Ha! There it is. Remember. Excuse me, sir. Is this your store? Yep. Well, either you are closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated by the presence of a pool table in your community. Well, you got trouble my friend Right here, I say trouble right here in River City Why sure, I'm a billiard player certainly mighty proud to say I'm always mighty proud to say it I consider that the hours I spend with a cue in my hand are golden Help you cultivate horse sense and a cool head and a keen eye 'J'ever take and try to give an iron-clad leave to yourself From a three-rail billiard shot? But just as I say it takes judgment, brains, and maturity To score in a balkline game I say that any boob can take 'n' shove a ball in a pocket And I call that sloth the first big step On the road to the depths of degrada... I say first medicinal wine from a teaspoon Then beer from a bottle And the next thing you know your son is playin' For money in a pinch-back suit List'nin' to some big out-a-town Jasper Hearin' him tell about horse race gamblin' Not a wholesome trottin' race No! But a race where they set down right on a horse! Like to see some stuck-up jockey boy settin' on Dan Patch? Make your blood boil? Well, I should say Now friends lemme tell you what I mean You got one, two, three, four, five, six Pockets in a table! Pockets that mark the difference Between a gentleman and the bum, with a capital B And that rhymes with P and that stands for pool And all week long your River City youth'll be frittern away I say your young men'll be frittern Frittern away their noon-time, suppertime, chore time, too Get the ball in the pocket never mind gittin dandelions pulled Or the screen door patched or the beefsteak pounded Never mind pumpin' any water 'til your parents are caught With the cistern empty on a Saturday night and that's trouble Oh, yes, you got lots and lots a' trouble I'm thinkin' of the kids in the knickerbockers shirt-tailed young-ones Peekin' in the pool hall winda after school You got trouble, folks right here in River City Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P And that stands for pool Now, I know all you folks are the right kind a' parents I'm gonna be perfectly frank Would you like to know what kinda conversation Goes on while they're loafin' around that hall? They'll be tryin' out Bevo tryin' out Cubebs tryin' out Tailor-Mades Like cigarette fiends! And braggin' all about how they're gonna cover up a tell-tale breath with Sen-Sen One fine night They leave the pool hall headin' for the dance at the armory Libertine men and scarlet women and ragtime Shameless music that'll grab your son your daughter with the arms Of the jungle animal instinct mass'steria! Friends, the idle brain is the devil's playground Trouble! Oh, we got trouble Right here in River City! Right here in River City! With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool That stands for pool We surely got trouble We surely got trouble Right here in River City! Right here! Gotta figure out a way t'keep the young ones moral after school! Our children's children gonna have trouble (HORSE NEIGHING) Mothers of River City, heed the warning before it's too late. ALL: (CHANTING REPEATEDLY) Trouble! Watch for the telltale signs of corruption. The moment your son leaves the house, does he rebuckle his knickerbockers below the knee? Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger? A dime novel hidden in the corncrib? Is he memorizing jokes out of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang? Are certain words creeping into his conversation? Words like "swell" and "so is your old man." Well, if so, my friends, you got trouble. ALL: Oh we got trouble Right here in River City! Right here in River City! With a capital T and that rhymes with P And that stands for pool That stands for pool! We surely got trouble! We surely got trouble! Right here in River City! Right here! Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock, and the Golden Rule! Our children's children gonna have trouble! Oh, we got trouble We're in terrible terrible trouble That game with the fifteen numbered balls is the devil's tool! Devil's tool! Ah, we got trouble! Trouble! Trouble! Oh, yes, we got trouble here we got big, big trouble With a With a capital You gotta rhyme it with P! That rhymes with P! That stands for pool! That stands for pool! We got trouble Right here in River City That stands for pool! Our children's children are gonna have trouble Our children's children are gonna have trouble Right here in River City With a capital T that rhymes with P And that stands for pool! We surely got trouble trouble, trouble! Right here in River City! Right here! Gotta figure out a way To keep the young ones moral after school Did you drop your... No! Didn't we meet in... No! I will only be in town a short while, I'll... Good! (PIANO PLAYING) (HUMMING) MRS. PAROO: Oh! Is that you, daughter? MARIAN: Yes, Mama. Keep on, Amaryllis. I'll be there in a minute. Fine, dear. Now your exercises. Yes, ma'am. Hello, Mama. I don't remember the library bein' open this late last summer. It was, Mama, you just don't recall. Mama, a man with a suitcase has been following me all over town. Oh! Who? I don't know. I've never seen him before. Did he say anything? He tried. Did you say anything? Mama, of course not. Now, don't dawdle, Amaryllis. Sol do la re ti mi A little slower and please keep the fingers curved As nice and high as you possibly can Don't get faster, dear. If you don't mind my saying so, it wouldn't have hurt you to find out what the gentleman wanted. I know what the gentleman wanted. What, dear? You'll find it in Balzac. Excuse me for livin' but I've never read it. Neither has anyone else in this town There you go again with that same old comment About the low-mentality of River City people And takin' it all too much to heart Now, Mama, as long as the Madison Public Library Was entrusted to me for the purpose of improving River City's cultural level I can't help my concern that the ladies of River City Keep ignoring all my counsel and advice But darling when a woman has a husband And you've got none Ugh! Why should she take advice from you Even if you can quote Balzac and Shakespeare and all them other highfalutin' Greeks Mama, if you don't mind my sayin' so You have a bad habit of changing every subject Now I haven't changed the subject. I was talkin' about that stranger What stranger? With the suitcase who may be your very last chance! Mama! Do you think that I'd allow a common masher Now really, Mama! I have my standards where men are concerned and I have no intention I know all about your standards and if you don't mind my sayin' so There's not a man alive who could hope to measure up To that blend of Paul Bunyan Saint Pat, and Noah Webster You've concocted for yourself outta your Irish imagination Your Iowa stubbornness and your library fulla' books Well, if that isn't the best I've ever heard! Thank you. Can I have a drink too, please? May I have... May I have a drink, please? Yes, dear. (DOG BARKING) (DOOR OPENS) Winthrop. It's after dark. Is that a way to greet your mother, I'd like to know? Hello. Well, that won't do at all. I'll have a kiss if you please. One for your sister, too. Hello, Winthrop. I'm having a party on Saturday. Will you please come? I would especially like it very much if you'd come, Winthrop. MRS. PAROO: Well, Winthrop? Amaryllis asked you to her party. Are you goin' or aren't ya? No. No, what? No, thank you. You know the little girl's name. He won't say Amaryllis because of the "S", because of his lisp. Yeah, we know all about his lisp, Amaryllis. Well, Winthrop? I'll bet he won't say it. No, thank you, Amaryllis. (AMARYLLIS GIGGLING) Winthrop, honey! Why does he get so mad at people just because he lisps? Not only because he lisps. That's just part of it, Amaryllis. What's the other part? Never mind, dear. It's just that he never talks very much. Not even to you and your mother? No, dear. We all have to be a little patient. I'm patient. Even though he doesn't ever talk to me. But I talk to him. Every night, I say goodnight to him on the evening star. "Goodnight, my Winthrop. Sleep tight." (AMARYLLIS SOBS) Oh, there, darling, don't cry. You have lots of time. If not Winthrop, there'll be someone else. Never! I'll end up an old maid like you. I'm sorry, Miss Marian. Can I play my cross-hand piece? May I play... May I play my cross-hand piece? You may. See, without a sweetheart you have no one to say goodnight to on the evening star. I know, Amaryllis. For the time being, just say, "Goodnight, my..." Someone. You can put the name in when the right someone comes along. It's better than nothing. Yes, it is. Now you can play your cross-hand piece. Now I may play my cross-hand piece. Goodnight, my someone Goodnight, my love Sleep tight, my someone Sleep tight, my love Our star is shining Its brightest light For goodnight, my love For goodnight Sweet dreams be yours, dear If dreams there be Sweet dreams to carry you close to me I wish they may And I wish they might Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight True love can be whispered From heart to heart When lovers are parted They say But I must depend on a wish And a star As long as my heart Doesn't know who you are Sweet dreams Be yours, dear if dreams there be Sweet dreams to carry You close to me I wish they may And I wish they might Now, goodnight my someone Goodnight Goodnight Goodnight (RAIN POURING) Thy banners make tyranny tremble When borne by The red, white, and blue When borne by the red, white, and blue When borne by the red, white, and blue Thy banners make tyranny tremble When borne by the red, white, and blue (CROWD APPLAUDING) I'm sure we're all grateful to my wife, Eulalie Mackechnie Shinn, for leading the singing. Bravo, Eulalie, bravo! And to Jacey Squires for his fine stereoptican slides. Thank you. And to Ethel Toffelmeier, our fine player-piano player piano. (ALL APPLAUDING) As Mayor of River City, I welcome you River Citizians to the Flag Day exercises set up for the indoors here in Madison Gymnasium account a'the weather. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Four score... (FLAPPING) Four score... (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) (DISPERSED LAUGHTER) Shoo! Shoo! Ah, the newly selected elected members of the School Board will now present a patriotic tableau. Read it. Read the note. The note. Oh. The members of the School Board will not present a patriotic tableau. Some disagreement about costumes, I suppose. Instead the Wa-Tan-Ye girls of the local wigwam of Heeawatha will present a spectacle, my wife... In which my wife, Eulalie Mackechnie Shinn, will take a leading part. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (MUSIC PLAYING) Yeah! Got some matches? Right here. Wa-Tan-Ye! GIRLS: Wa-Tan-Ye! Wa-Tan-Ye! Wa-Tan-Ye! Wa-Tan-Ye! Wa-Tan-Ye! I will now count to 20 in Indian tongue! Een, teen, (BANGING DRUM) tuther, feather, fip! (EXPLOSION) (SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) I'm shot, George! Eulalie! Who shot me? Help me! Bring in the curtain! Bring in the curtain! (EULALIE SCREAMING) Who set off that cracker? GIRL: I know who did it. Tommy Djilas did it. Tommy Djilas did it. Yes, it was Tommy Djilas. Tommy Djilas, I wouldn't leave if I was you. MAYOR: I'm happy to say Mrs. Shinn will recover. No thanks to a certain young ruffian who is a disgrace to our city. Four score and seven year... "The Flag Day Fireworks Spectacle, Last Days of Pompy-eye will take place "providing the rain stops by 9:30. "It'll be out to Madison Picnic Park in the far meadow, "cross the crick from the Pest House." MAN: How come it's raining? Didn't the Gazette predict fair? Sure did, that's why we prepared for a storm. The Gazette is accurate most a'the time and you know it, Jacey. You wouldn't last very long in the bankin' business bein' accur't most a'the time. What are you talkin' about? What are you talkin' about? MAYOR: Order here! Order! Order! Order! Will you fellas stop bicker'n in public? All in the world that I'm sayin' is... Never mind! Four score... We heard there's a pool table in town! (CROWD CLAMORING) Now just a minute here... Well, is it a pool table or isn't it? Will you allow me to get on with the exercises? We don't want any more exercises till we get this pool-table matter settled! ALL: Yeah! Protect our children. ALL: Yeah! Resist sin and corruption. ALL: Yeah! Smite that devil and keep our young boys pure. ALL: Yeah! Friends, may I have your attention, please? Attention, please. I can deal with this trouble friends, with a wave of my hand, this very hand Please observe me if you will I'm professor Harold Hill And I'm here to organize the River City Boys Band! Burrrr Oh, think, my friends how could any pool table Ever hope to compete with a gold trombone? Raaaa-baaaa, ra-da-da-da-da daaaa-daaaa Remember, my friends what a handful of trumpet players did to the famous Fabled walls of Jericho! Oh, billiard parlor walls come a tumbling down! Oh, a band'll do it, my friends Oh, yes! I mean a boys band Do you hear me? I say River City's gotta have a boys band and I mean she needs it today Well, Professor Harold Hill's on hand and River City's Gonna have her boys band as sure as the Lord made little green apples And that band's gonna be in uniform! Johnny, Willy, Teddy, Fred! And you'll see the glitter of crashing cymbals You'll hear the thunder of rolling drums The shimmer of trumpets Tan-ta-rah! And you'll feel something akin to the electric thrill I once enjoyed When Gilmore, Liberatti, Pat Conway, the Great Creatore, W. C. Handy and John Philip Sousa All came to town on that very same historic day Seventy-six trombones led the big parade With a hundred and ten cornets close at hand And they were followed by rows and rows of the finest virtuosos The cream of every famous band Seventy-six trombones caught the morning sun With a hundred and ten cornets right behind There were more than a thousand reeds springing up like weeds There were horns of every shape and kind There were copper bottom tympani in horse platoons Thundering, thundering all along the way Double bell euphoniums and big bassoons Each bassoon having his big fat say There were fifty mounted cannon in the battery Thundering, thundering louder than before Clarinets of every size and trumpeters who'd improvise A full octave higher than the score Seventy-six trombones hit the counterpoint While a hundred and ten cornets blazed away To the rhythm of harch-harch-harch all the kids began to march And they're marching still right today! (BANGING) (WHISTLING) (BEATING TABLE) Seventy six trombones hit the counterpoint While a hundred and ten cornets blazed away To the rhythm of harch-harch-harch All the kids began to march and they're marching still Right today (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (BLOWS WHISTLE) That man is a spellbinder. Men, this calls for emergency action. I haven't seen Iowa people get so excited since the night Frank Gotch and Strangular Lewis lay on the mat for three and half hours without moving a muscle! Never mind! I want that man's credentials. There he is! Oh! Very good. That will be five dollars earnest money. Thank you very, very much. Let me see your hands. Piccolo player. How's that sound? CONSTABLE: Grab that hoodlum! He almost blew up Mrs. Shinn! HAROLD: It'll be five dollars, earnest money. (GASPING) CONSTABLE: Hurry, Sheriff, after him. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Thanks, Professor. Have to make an example of him. Ringleader, you know. What he does, the gang does. Lemme go. You a' wild kid, ya. Hanging around my oldest girl. His father is one a' them day laborers south a' town. You wild kid, ya. Taggin' down Main Street after my oldest girl last Sunday. I wasn't either taggin'. Don't you counterdict me. We'uz just walkin' together, Jeely Kly. You watch your phraseology! I know what you'uz doin', my little Gracie seen ya. Now you stay away from my oldest girl or you'll hear from me 'til who laid the rails! Hill! I'll talk to you Monday morning about this band thing, over at City Hall. 10:00 sharp. I want that spellbinder's credentials. Constable, I'll be responsible for the boy. Oh, you don't know this kid, Professor, he's tough, and he's got his gang waitin' outside. Oh, I'll be careful. Tommy, I'd like to talk to you about the band. Aw, gee, Professor, that's for the little kids. I'm not talking about you playing in the band. I'll bet you're mechanically minded, aren't you? Ever do anything with perpetual motion? Ah, yeah. Nearly had it a couple times. You did? Then you're my man! Do you realize that nobody has ever invented a music-holder for a marching piccolo player? No place to hang the music. Jeely Kly! Wonder where I could get some wire from? Look in your cellar, that's where people usually keep wire. Oh, Tommy! Yes, sir? Now, constable, I'll show you how to break up a gang. Oh, miss. Oh, young lady! What's your name? Zaneeta. I didn't have any idea you was beckoning to me. Ye Gods. Do you know Tommy Djilas? Well, I... Tommy, this is Zaneeta. Escort the young lady home, by way of the ice cream parlor. Yes, sir. Do I hafta? Ya hafta. Yes, sir. Ye Gods! Professor, you're a pretty bright young fellow. But you made a couple mistakes, though. Oh? The Mayor happens to own the billiard parlor and that new pool table. Oh! What was the other mistake? That Zaneeta. She's the Mayor's oldest girl. Just a minute, Professor Hill, we're on the School Board, and we'd like to have your credentials. Academic certificates. Nothing of the kind! We need letters and papers! Make him put up a bond! Wait a minute. Wait a minute, what am I hearing? Gentlemen, follow me. Say Ice cream Ice cream. But I don't sing if that's what you're gettin' at. All right, all right, talk then. Down here! Ice cream. Talk slow! Ice cream You see? Singing is only sustained talking. Now you Ice cream Now you, right here Ice cream Now you, sir! Ice cream I didn't know we could do that. From now on, you'll never see one of those men without the other three. Oh, Professor, you're wrong! Everyone knows they've hated each other since kindergarten! Ye Gods! (SINGING A CAPPELLA) Ice cream Ice cream Ice cream How can there be... Any... Sin in sincere Where is the good in goodbye... In goodbye Your apprehensions confuse me, my dear Like I said, you'll never see one of those men without the other three. Puzzle and mystify Mystify tell me what can be fair In farewell, dear While one single star shines Above How can there be any sin In sincere? Aren't we sincerely In love Oh, we're in love How do you do? I don't suppose you live alone, or anything? No! I've got some wonderful caramels over't the hotel if you'd... Mr. Hill! Professor Hill. Professor of what? At what college do they give a degree for annoying women on the street like a Saturday night rowdy at a public dance hall? Well, I wouldn't know about that. I'm a conservatory man myself. Gary, Indiana, Gold Medal Class of aught-five. Even should that happen to be true, does that give you the right to follow me around wherever I go? Another thing, Mr. Hill, I'm not as easily mesmerized or hoodwinked as some people in this town and I think it only fair to warn you that I have a shelf full of reference books in my library which may very well give me some interesting information about you. Hey, Greg! Hi, Marcellus. Don't call me Greg. So how'd you make out with the music teacher? Ate out of my hand the minute I tipped my hat. She did? Oh, boy, did you cut a swath today. For a minute even I thought you knew somethin' about leadin' a band. Just like when you used to imitate that band-concert fellow in Joplin. Yeah. Ah, kid stuff. I'm in rare form these days. Just keep your eyes on me for the next three weeks. Three weeks? It only used to take ten days for the instruments to arrive. Still does. But it takes three weeks for the uniforms. Oh, no, Greg. You haven't added uniforms? Uniforms and instruction books. Instruction books? But, you can't pass yourself off as a music professor. I mean not for any three weeks. Marce. But you don't know one note from another. I have a revolutionary new method called the "Think System" where you don't bother with notes. But in three weeks... Why that's the Fourth of July sociable. The people will want to hear music. You'll have to lead a band. When the uniforms arrive they forget all that, at least long enough for me to collect and leave. Oh, this is a refined operation, Marce, and I've got it timed right down to the last wave of the brakeman's hand on the last train out 'a town. And now, Mr. Washburn... If you'll excuse me. Gonna line yourself up a little canoodlin', huh? Uh, well... Say, I could fix you up with Ethel's sister. Lovely girl, teaches Sunday School. Oh, no. No wide-eyed, eager wholesome, innocent Sunday School teacher for me That kinda girl spins webs no spider ever... Listen, boy... A girl who trades on all that purity Merely wants to trade my independence for her security The only affirmative she will file Refers to marching down the aisle No golden, glorious, gleaming, pristine goddess No, sir For no Diana do I play faun I can tell you that right now I snarl and I hiss How can ignorance be compared to bliss I spark, I fizz For the lady who knows what time it is I cheer, I rave For the virtue I'm too late to save The sadder-but-wiser girl for me Ooh, wow. No bright-eyed blushing breathless baby doll baby No, sir, that kinda child ties knots No sailor ever knew I prefer to take a chance On a more adult romance No dewy young miss who keeps resisting All the time she keeps insisting No wide-eyed, wholesome innocent female No, sir Why she's the fisherman I'm the fish, you see Plop! I flinch, I shy When the lass with the delicate air goes by I smile, I grin When the gal with a touch of sin walks in I hope, I pray For Hester to win just one more "A" The sadder-but-wiser girl's the girl for me The sadder-but-wiser girl's the girl for me The sadder-but-wiser girl for me MRS. SQUIRES: Ooh, don't you love it? It's the latest from Chicago. MAUD: Kansas City. MAUD: Needs a feather. MRS. SQUIRES: Maybe two. MRS. SQUIRES: Oh, my goodness, it's Professor Hill. (WOMEN SHRIEKING IN EXCITEMENT) Oh, Professor. Won't you please give us your opinion on these hats? Now, what's the latest fashion in Chicago? Are feathers de rigueur or passe? Passe. Oh, well, I don't consider myself an expert. Oh, Professor Hill. We're all agog. Simply agog! On the qui vive. Everyone's so excited about the band. I'm Ethel Toffelmeier, the pianola girl? Oh, you're Ethel Toff... That hat, it's scrumptious. (ALL GIGGLING) I'm Mrs. Dunlop, and this is Mrs. Squires, and Mrs. Hix and of course you've met Eulalie Mackechnie Shinn, our Mayor's wife? Oh, Eulalie, isn't this exciting? Oh, I couldn't say. I could not say. Oh, no. I could not say at this time. My husband will wish to investigate, I'm sure. So naturally, I'm reticent. Yes, I'm reticent. Of course, Mrs. Shinn, I understand. But you see, part of my music plans include a committee on the dance and... Wait... Now wait, do that again, Mrs. Shinn. Your foot, the way you raised it just now. Well, I have a bunion there that bothers me. Oh, what grace. Oh. What natural flow of rhythm. Oh. What expression of line and movement. Oh, you must accept the chairmanship of the Ladies Auxiliary for the Classic Dance. Mustn't she, ladies? WOMEN: Oh, yes! You must. Oh, every move you make, Mrs. Shinn, bespeaks Delsarte. (GASPING) Oh, the way you move your hands... Oh, I... Yes, yes and turn your head. Oh, Mrs. Shinn, I would give a year's pay to see you dance the Shipoopi at the Fourth of July sociable. The Shipoopi? All the rage in New York and Paris. (GASPING) Oh, oh, Mrs. Shinn, you can't refuse. Not someone with your natural ability. Say yes. Well... Eulalie Mackechnie Shinn. Well... I... That is... Dancing. Well... Then you'll accept the chairmanship? Yes, indeed. (ALL SHRIEKING) And to my committee, I would like to say to all of... Uh, thank you. Thank you. Oh. And about the young lady who works at the library? Miss Paroo, I think it is. ALL: Ooh! Mmm. She plays the piano. Oh, she plays... Yes, she plays. Pick-pick! And not just the piano, oh, no! Isn't that right, ladies? Talk a little, talk a little. Pick a little talk a little, pick a little, talk a little Cheep cheep cheep talk a lot, pick a little more Pick a little talk a little pick a little, talk a little Cheep cheep cheep talk a lot, pick a little more Pick a little talk a little pick a little, talk a little Cheep cheep cheep talk a lot, pick a little more Pick a little talk a little pick a little, talk a little Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep Professor, her kind of woman doesn't belong on any committee. Of course, I shouldn't tell you this, but she advocates dirty books. Dirty books? Chaucer. Rabelais! Balzac. Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep And the worst thing is, well, of course, I shouldn't tell you this... I'll tell. The man lived on my street, let me tell. Stop! (SINGING STOPS) I'll tell. She made brazen overtures to a man who never had a friend in this town 'til she came here. Old Miser Madison. Miser Madison? Madison Gymnasium? Madison Picnic Park? Madison Hospital? That Miser Madison? Exactly. Who did he think he was anyway? I should say. Showoff. Gave the town the library too, didn't he? Well, that's just it. When he died he left the library building to the city... But he left all the books to her. She was seen going and coming from his place. Oh, yes. Oh, yes! That woman made brazen overtures... (LADIES RESUME SINGING) ...with a gilt-edge guarantee. She had a golden glint in her eye, and a silver voice with a counterfeit ring. Just melt her down and you'll reveal a lump of lead as cold as steel here, where a woman's heart should be. He left River City the library building But he left all the books to her Chaucer Rabelais Balzac Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep Pick a little talk a little pick a little, talk a little Just a minute here. We need to see your credentials. Yes, of course. I have just what you want over at the hotel. Come with me. Goodnight, ladies. Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep Goodnight, ladies Goodnight, ladies Goodnight, ladies We're going to leave you now Farewell, ladies (CONTINUE SINGING) Farewell, ladies Farewell, ladies We're going to leave you now Cheep cheep cheep cheep Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep Pick a little talk a little, cheep Oh! (WHISTLING) (DOG BARKING) (RINGS DOORBELL) Just a minute here. Are you soliciting? You haven't got a license. Why no, Mayor Shinn, I... I collect doorbells and this particular sample has an unusual tone quality that... Flattery will not avail you, sir. Soliciting is statutory in this county, malfeasance without a permit. Why haven't you been down to City Hall with your references? Must have just missed you. I... Oh, Mr. Mayor, your hand... What? What? Oh, no, that spread of the little finger. It's hereditary. Oh, it is... What does that mean? That means that your son's little finger is perfectly situated to operate the spit valve on a B-flat flugelhorn. Is that good? Good? It means that America has at last produced an artist who can flugel the Minute Waltz in 50 seconds. How do I get one of those horns? Sign right here, Mr. Mayor. That'll be $17, import fee. Yes, sir. Just think, I could'a missed this whole... (DOG BARKING) I haven't got any son! You're unscrypulous, flew-by-night... You unflypulous... You be down at City Hall with your by-God papers at 3:00. You mean this afternoon? I couldn't make myself any plainer if I'se a Quaker on his day off. (GIGGLING AND INDISTINCT TALKING) Shh! (GASPING) It's all right. I know everything and it doesn't make any difference. What are you talking about? You were probably very young. Anyone can make a mistake. What? No apologies, no explanations, please. I'm only in town a short time and... The sadder-but-wiser girl for me. Will you please make your selection and leave? I have. Well, what do you want to take out? The librarian. Quiet, please. (WHISPERS) The librarian. You're not listening, Marian. Look! Marian... Marbles. Six steelies, eight aggies, a dozen peewees and one big glassie, with an American Flag in the middle. I think I'll drop 'em. No! Shh! Madam Librarian Oh! What can I do, my dear to catch your ear? I love you madly, madly Madam Librarian, Marian Heaven help us if the library caught on fire And the Volunteer Hose Brigademen Had to whisper the news to Marian... Madam Librarian! What can I say, my dear to make it clear I need you badly, badly Madam Librarian, Marian If I stumbled and I busted my what-you-may-call-it I could lie on your floor unnoticed 'Til my body had turned to carrion Madam Librarian Now in the moonlight a man could sing it In the moonlight And a fellow would know that his darling Had heard ev'ry word of his song With the moonlight helping along But when I try in here to tell you, dear I love you madly, madly Madam Librarian, Marian Shh! It's a long lost cause I can never win For the civilized world accepts as unforgivable sin Any talking out loud with any librarian Such as Marian Madam Librarian (GIRLS SHRIEKING IN EXCITEMENT) (WHISTLES) (GASPS) (GIGGLES) Ah. But when I try in here to tell you, dear I love you madly, madly Madam Librarian, Marian It's a long, lost cause I can never win For the civilized world accepts as unforgivable sin Any talking out loud with any librarian Such as Marian Madam Librarian No! (ALL SHUSHING) Mrs. Paroo, do you realize you have the facial characteristics of a cornet virtuoso? I don't know if I understand you entirely, Professor. If your boy has that same firm chin, those splendid cheek muscles, by George. Oh, not that he could ever be really great, you understand. Oh, is that so? And in the name of Saint Bridget, why not? Well, you see, all the really great cornet players were Irish. O'Clark, O'Mendez, O'Klein. But Professor, we are Irish. No. Yes. No! (LAUGHS) Well, that clinches it. That clinches it. Sign here, Mrs. Paroo. Your boy was born to play the cornet. Oh! Fine, fine. That'll be $7 earnest money, with nothing more due till the first installment payable at the opening of band practice. Thank you. Oh, and of course, I'll need the boy's measurements for his band uniform. His uniform! (BOY SCREAMING) (GASPS) I got ya. Hello, son. Certainly, certainly his uniform. And there won't be a penny due until delivery, just in time for the Fourth of July, which gives him three weeks to enjoy, to anticipate, to imagine, at no cost whatever. Never allow the demands of tomorrow to interfere with the pleasures and excitements of today. Would it have a, a... A stripe? A stripe. Certainly, my boy. A wide red stripe on each side. What do you think of that? (DOG BARKING) You'll have to excuse Winthrop, Professor. We can't get him to say three words a day, even to us. And if you can get him to play in the band, you'll have St. Michael's own way with you. If anybody can do it, I'll bet you can. Out of a crowd, I'll pick you for a hod-carrying, clay pipe smokin', shamrock wearin', harp playin', Mavorneen-pinchin', Tara's hall minstrel-singin' Irishman. Be-gob and be-jabbers. Where are ye from, me boy? Gary, Indiana. I knew it! Gary... Where did you say? Gary, Indiana. Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana Gary, Indiana Let me say it once again Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana Gary, Indiana That's the town that knew me when If you'd like to have a logical explanation How I happened on this elegant syncopation I will say without a moment of hesitation There is just one place that can light my face Gary, Indiana Gary, Indiana, not Louisiana, Paris France, New York, or Rome But Gary, Indiana Gary, Indiana Gary, Indiana, my home sweet home In fact, Gary Conservatory was my alma mater. Was she now? (DOOR OPENS) Oh, why, yes. Gold Medal Class of aught-five. Oh! Ooh! Howdado, Miss Paroo. Howdado, Mr. Hill. Oh, of course. Paroo. I thought the name sounded familiar. He wants to put Winthrop in the band. We're not interested, Mama. But Marian, the boy might have his father's musical gift. He does have me jaw, you know. Oh, your husband musical? Well, I'd like to have a talk with him. I'm sure that we could... Do you burst in on everyone's home like this? Prying into personal affairs? We're not interested. Marian! Well, that's one for and one against. Now why not let the boy's father decide? The boy's father is dead. Anything else? Oh, I'm sorry. But that's all the more reason that your brother should have something like this. My brother is an eight-year-old problem child who can't understand why our father was taken away. Would you care to explain it to him? He's been brooding about it for two years. As to your musical tricks, why don't you go into business with some nice carnival man who sells gold-painted watches and glass-diamond rings? Musical tricks? Well, Miss Paroo, I hardly... I get the feeling she likes the idea. Oh, a little cautious perhaps, but I admire that in a woman. Keep me alive and I'll be back later in the week. Oh! (DOG BARKING) One moment, Professor Hill. About the boy's measurements, I make all his clothes, sleeve 21, waist 18, crotch 14. Fine! Fine, that's all I need. Now, I must get back to the hotel. Professor, I do hope you'll excuse Marian. She's not really... Oh, please. Don't worry about a thing. I'm sure that at heart she's as lovely as yourself. Good day to ya, Widow Paroo. (DOOR CLOSES) (HUMMING) Has he gone? He has. And I hope not forever. Darlin', don't you ever think about your future? Gary, Indiana, Conservation Class of aught-five. Now darlin'... Now Mama, surely a girl's future doesn't depend on encouraging every fast-talking, self-centered, woman-chasing, traveling man who comes to town. And the fact that he claims his commodity is music does not, in this particular case, impress me. All right, darlin', all right. Only it's a well-known principle that if you keep the flint in one drawer and the steel in another, you'll never strike much of a fire. Mama! Winthrop! Winthrop! I know you're out there. (SIGHS) Winthrop. Please go to the post office and ask Miss Grubb if a package has arrived for me. It's a book, the Indiana State Educational Journal 1901-1910. Do I hafta? You won't have to talk to anyone. I've written it all down. Thanks, Win. What are you up to? What do you need with another book? I have a feeling this book may poke some large holes in the Professor's claims. Well, I give up. At your age, if you don't mind my askin', what kinda white knight do you expect to come ridin' along? Well, I'm not waiting for Luther Greiner who backs me into the Ancient History shelf every time he comes into the library. Oh, he does? All I want is a plain man A modest man, a quiet man A straightforward and honest man And not Ed Gammidge and that buggy of his with the removable back seat. But I'm not waiting for a man in shining white armor either. My white knight Not a Lancelot Nor an angel with wings Just someone to love me Who is not ashamed of a few nice things My white knight What my heart would say if it only knew how Please, dear Venus Show me now All I want is a plain man All I want is a modest man A quiet man, a gentle man A straightforward and honest man To sit with me in a cottage Somewhere in the state of Iowa And I would like him to be More int'rested in me Than he is in himself And more interested in us Than in me And if occasionally he'd ponder What makes Shakespeare and Beethoven great Him I could love 'til I die Him I could love 'til I die My white knight Not a Lancelot Nor an angel with wings Just someone to love me Who is not ashamed of a few nice things My white knight Let me walk with him while the others ride by Walk and love him 'Til I die 'Til I die Hey, Zaneeta. Tommy, Mom and Papa are on their way to the bank. They could come in here any minute. Ye Gods! All right, then meet me after supper. I can't. It's Epworth League night. Meet you where? The footbridge. You see? Isn't that just what I said? Last time the lumberyard and now the footbridge. Then where will you meet me after that? In the Black Hole of Calcutta? Ye Gods. I only wanna show you my invention. What invention? My music holder for a marching piccolo player. It still has a couple of minor flaws. See, when you keep it tight enough to hold the music steady, you cut off the circulation and you can't wiggle your fingers. Meanwhile, you could go blind. Shh! It's Miss Paroo. Miss Paroo. Oh, I'll be right with you. MARIAN: Oh, yes. That's a very good book. (TELEGRAPH BEEPING) Oh-ho, the Wells Fargo wagon is a-comin' down the street Oh, please, let it be for me Oh-ho, the Wells Fargo wagon is a-comin' down the street I wish, I wish I knew what it could be I got a box of maple sugar on my birthday In March I got a grey mackinaw And once I got some grapefruit from Tampa Montgomery Ward sent me a bathtub and a crosscut saw Oh-ho, the Wells Fargo wagon is a-comin' now Is it a prepaid surprise or C.O.D. It could be curtains Or dishes Or a double boiler Or it could be... Yes, it could be Yes, you're right, it surely could be Somethin' special Somethin' very, very special now Just for me Mayor Shinn, I've found some very interesting information in this book about Professor Hill's alma mater. His who? His university. I know all about that. In fact, that's the only thing I can ever get out of him. Gary Conservatory, class of aught-five. Yes, well, if you'll just take time to read a little bit about the Conservatory I don't think you'll have to look much further. It's on page... Papa! The Wells Fargo Wagon's just comin' up from the depot. I know, dearie! It could be the band instruments! The band instruments! Ha! Excuse us. Oh-ho, the Wells Fargo wagon is a-comin' down the street Oh, don't let him pass my door Oh-ho, the Wells Fargo wagon is a-comin' down the street I wish I knew what he was comin' for I got some salmon from Seattle last September And I expect a new rockin' chair I hope I get my raisins from Fresno The D.A.R. have sent a cannon for the courthouse square. Oh-ho, the Wells Fargo wagon is a-comin' now I don't know how I can ever wait to see It could be something for someone Who is no relation but it could be Yes, it could be, yes, you're right It surely could be Something special Something very very special now Just for me Oh, there it is. ALL: Oh-ho, you Wells Fargo wagon keep a-comin' Oh-ho, you Wells Fargo wagon keep a'comin' Oh-ho, you Wells Fargo wagon Don't you dare to make a stop Until you stop for me (CHEERING) Yay! It's the band instruments! Here you are, Winthrop. My cornet! Gee, thanks, Professor! (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) Sister! Sister! Isn't this the most scrumptious solid gold thing you ever saw? I never thought I'd ever see anything so scrumptious as this scrumptious solid gold thing. Oh, Sister, Sister! HILL: Men! You'll all be given individual instruction in due course. Until then stay off the streets. Get acquainted with your instruments, and think about the Minuet in G. La de da de da de da de da La de da, la de da I better hear some by-God tootin' out'a them horns in pretty short order or I'll see you in front of the grand jury over at the County Seat. Now, Miss Paroo, about that book... EULALIE: Come, George. Tempus fugits. You watch your phraseology. George, I only... Now, get along if you want to. I need to get something from the librarian. But George, the bank will be closing. Miss Paroo, the book. Yes, of course. The Ladies Dance Committee meets Tuesdays at the High School. They're rehearsing for the Fourth of July sociable. I know they'd like you to be there. They would? Very much. You'll come, won't you? La de da de da de da de da La de da La de da That's it, men. La de da de da de da de da Don't stop. La de da de da de da de da La de da de da de da de da La de da (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) EULALIE: Lovely, ladies, lovely and turn. Take the body with you. Uh, lovely. Now let's have a go at our Grecian Urns. Positions. One Grecian urn... And a fountain. Position. Oh! Trickle, trickle, trickle, trickle, trickle, trickle, trickle, trickle, trickle. Smile, girls, smile. (SIGHING) Lovely, ladies, lovely. I predict that our Delsarte display will be the highlight of the Fourth of July Ice Cream Sociable. (SQUEALING IN EXCITEMENT) It's you in the sunrise It's you in my cup And remember, ladies don't make me tell you again, always keep your faces to the audience. (MEN SINGING) It's you All the way into town EULALIE: And thank you, Miss Paroo, for your excellent accompaniment. Splendid! (APPLAUDING) Oh, thank you. Yes, thank you. Shouldn't you be dancing with them? I'm really much happier at the piano. But you do dance, don't ya? I really have to get home. It's you on my pillow in all of my dreams 'Til once more the morning breaks through What words could be saner Or truer or plainer than it's you It's you Yes, it's you Oh, yes, it's you Oh, yes, it's you It's you in the sunrise It's you in my cup It's you all the way into town It's you all the way into town It's your sweet "Hello, dear" That sets, that sets me up And it's your, your "Got to go, dear" That gets, that gets me down Take your hands off my daughter! Papa! You wild kid, ya! Mr. Shinn, your honor. Your daughter and I are goin' steady behind your back. Why you! Well, we'd rather do it in front a'your back but... Do what? Well... Never mind. (GASPS) I'm going to warn you once more. If I ever catch you touching my daughter, I'll by-God horsewhip you 'til Hell won't have it again. But, George! Not one poop out'a you, madam! He means peep. Yes! And now get off the school property. I got as much right to be here as anybody. How do you get any right around here? Aiding and abetting the swindling activities of this spellbinding cymbal salesman? Now, Mr. Mayor, if you please... I'll settle your hash as soon as I get these premises offa' my oldest girl. All right, all right, but in the meantime I want you to know that I'm vouching for Tommy Djilas. This boy's got the confidence of every kid in town. You'll be standing in line waiting to shake his hand by the time our band plays its first concert. By the time your band plays its first concert, the individual members'll have to foregather in wheelchairs on account of the broken legs they'll get from tripping over their beards. You know what I see written all over you? Reform school! Papa, please. It's Capulets like you make blood in the market place. Ye Gods. You watch your phraseology, young woman. You go home and stay in your room. I'll tell you something, my fine young feathered... My feathered young... Never mind! And you, get out of here, you wild kid, ya. All right, all right, Tommy, let me buy you a sarsaparilla. I hate you. Eulalie! Now George, I only... You tend to your dance. But... Oh! MAYOR: I'll handle this my way. Mr. Mayor, you are not being fair. Now, you stay out of this, Miss Paroo. And by the way, thanks for nothin'. I've read that book you gave me from cover to cover for a whole week now, and didn't find a thing. Oliver! Jacey! Olin! Ewart! I want that man's references and I want 'em tonight! Don't let him out'a your sight. He's slipprier'n a Mississippi sturgeon! Do you mean you want us to get his credentials? Get his papers or get him in jail! I couldn't make myself any clearer if I was a button-hook in the well water. Come on. Let's go. Okay. Thank you. Now you enjoy yourself. Excuse me. Hello, Miss Marian. Thanks for the sarsaparilla, Professor, and the talk. Miss Marian. Professor Hill, I think Mayor Shinn has behaved abominably, and I just wanted to say it was wonderful of you coming to Tommy's defense back there. Oh, that was nothing. Oh, yes it was. Oh, no, no. A man can't dodge the issue every time a little personal risk is involved. What does the poet say? "A coward dies a thousand deaths, "the brave man only "500." Unfortunately, of course, the Mayor was already pretty mad at me on account of his billiard parlor. Now... Oh, I suppose a recommendation from a musical authority such as yourself would help but... I couldn't think of asking you to do a thing like that. Why not? You mean, you would? I'd be glad to. I just wish I was a little more informed. I've been wanting to talk to you about Winthrop's cornet. His cornet? Mother-of-pearl keys. Oh, I'm sure it's fine. It's just that he never touches it. Oh, the first week or so, he made a few experimental, uh, blats, I guess you'd say? Yes, yes, blats. And he sings the Minuet in G almost constantly. La de da de da de da de da La de da But he never touches the cornet. Yes, well... He says you told him it wasn't necessary. Well... He tells me about some "Think System." If he thinks the Minuet in G, he won't have to bother with the notes. Now, Professor... Miss Marian, the Think System is a revolutionary method, I'll admit. But, so was Galileo's conception of the Heavens, Columbus' conception of the egg, uh, globe, Bach's conception of the Well-Tempered Clavichord. Hmm? Hmm. Oh, now I cannot discuss these things here in public, but if you'll allow me to call. When may I call? Why, any night this week. Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, talk a lot, pick a little Oh, Miss Paroo, please join our Delsarte Committee. You were so dear today dancing with Professor Hill. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep You dance like a fairy princess With a moonbeam for your floor You had a golden shimmer in your hair And silver shoes for all to see We know that you will soon unfold A forgiving heart of purest gold Here, where a woman's heart should be Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep Fairy princess Moonbeam floor Golden shimmer Silver shoes Now unfold Heart of gold Here, where a woman's heart should be Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep The Professor told us to read those books And we simply adored them all Chaucer Rabelais Balzac Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep Pick a little talk a little, cheep ALL: Mmm! Sorry, Professor, but we got our orders. We've all been deputized. Oh! Oh, well, congratulations. Uh, let's see now, you know all week long I've been trying to give you fellows my references and credentials, but you always seem to get off the subject somehow. Now I have just what you need up in my room. Take me a second. Sorry. 'Fraid we'll have to go along with you. Yes, yes, well, let's see if I have my key. What is this? Oh! Oh, it's a testimonial from Madame Rini. The only female bassoon player ever to appear on the Redpath Circuit. Her stage name, of course, actually, she was from Moline, Lida Rose Quackenbush. Could I see that for a minute? Oh, you'll never forget the name, Lida Rose, just like the song. Lida Rose I'm home again, Rose To get the... Sun back in the sky Lida Rose I'm home again, Rose About a thousand kisses shy Ding dong ding I can hear the chapel bell chime Ding dong ding At the least suggestion I'll pop the question Lida Rose I'm home again, Rose Without a sweetheart to my name Lida Rose now everyone knows That I am hoping you're the same So here is my love song Not fancy or fine Lida Rose oh, won't you be mine Lida Rose, oh, Lida Rose Oh, Lida Rose Dream of now Dream of then Dream of a love song That might have been Do I love you? Oh, yes, I love you And I'll bravely tell you But only when we dream again Sweet and low Sweet and low How sweet that memory How long ago Forever? Oh, yes, forever Will I ever tell you? Ah, no Lida Rose, oh Lida Rose, oh Dream of... Lida Rose, oh... Now I'm home again, Rose Dream of then Dream of a love song Lida Rose I'm home again, Rose About a thousand kisses shy That might have been Do I love you? Ding dong ding Oh, yes, I love you I can hear the chapel bell chime And I'll bravely tell you Ding dong ding But only when we At the least suggestion Dream again I'll pop the question Sweet and low Lida Rose I'm home again, Rose Without a sweetheart to my name Sweet and low How sweet that mem'ry Lida Rose, now everyone knows that How long ago I am hoping you're the same Forever? So here is my love song Oh, yes, forever Not fancy or fine Will I ever tell you Lida Rose, oh, won't you be mine? Or no Lida Rose, oh, Lida Rose, oh, Lida Rose Seems like we just took down the flags for Flag Day, and now we're starting to put them up again for the Fourth of July. I'm starting to see red, white, and blue spots before my eyes! (CHUCKLES) You say that every year, Mama, but you always volunteer to sew. Well, it's funny how things get to be a habit with people. You think a person might change, but they don't. You think a person might let herself go, might speak her heart, but she don't. Might tell a fellow how she's longing, but she don't. Mama! Will you ever tell him? Won't you ever tell him? Ah, fiddlesticks, just open your mouth, my girl, let it come out. Now Mama... Now nuthin'. If he ever comes to call again, you see him alone and if you haven't the gumption to tell him how you feel... Tell him? Well, there's nothing wrong with a ladylike hint. (DOG BARKING) Winthrop, where've you been? Fishing. Fishing! With Harold. You mean Professor Hill? Mmm-hmm. And look, I still have some worms left. Ew! Oh, what's that? A lucky rabbit's foot, he gave it to me. Did you have a good time? Scrumptious. Look, Mom! Ugh! Scrumptious. What did you talk about? Stuff. What stuff? He told me all about his hometown, Gary, Indiana. He said he'd take me there someday. And he taught me a song, which hardly has any 's's' in it. Gary, Indiana Gary, Indiana Gary, Indiana Let me say it once again Gary, Indiana Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana That's the town that knew me when If you'd like to have a logical explanation How I happened on this elegant syncopation I will say without a moment of hesitation There is just one place that can light my face... Gary, Indiana Gary, Indiana Not Louisiana, Paris France, New York or Rome But Gary, Indiana Gary, Indiana Gary, Indiana My home sweet home I'll be back in a minute. I have to show Amaryllis my new live frog. Oh, you're not going to the Fourth of July sociable in those clothes! You make sure you're back in time to have a bath! Okay. La de da de da de da de da La de da La de da da de da de da de da Oh, leave the dishes, Mama, I'll do them. Aren't you gonna change for the sociable? There's plenty of time. Come on, Shadow. Come on. MAN: River City! River City, station stop. River City! Say there, old timer, you know where I can find Elm Street? Yeah. Criminee! Yes? Is this the Shinn residence? Oh, the Shinn home is on East Elm. This is West Elm. Aw, criminee, I... See you're the piano teacher here in town. Yes. My name's Cowell, Charlie Cowell, anvil salesman. Oh! I guess you know all about this Hill fellow, formin' a boys' band here in town. Yes. Well, you don't need to worry about him no more. I got the goods on him in spades. Swindlin' two-bit thimble rigger. That's why I gotta go see Shinn. But... Mr. Cowell, wait! Please! Ah, sorry, miss, the number eight only makes 15-minute water stop. Ooh, I wish it was 20, though. Sure would like to concentrate five minutes more on you, girly girl. But just now I'm out to protect the good name of the travelin' fraternity from that swindler. Please, Mr. Cowell, you are making a big mistake. Mistake! Mistake my old lady's corset cover! That fella's been the raspberry seed in my wisdom tooth just long enough. He spoiled Illinois for me, he's not gonna spoil Iowa! What kind of music teacher are you, you don't see through him? He's no more Professor than... Oh, I know all about that. Band leaders are always called Professor. It's a harmless deception. He's a fine director and his scholastic... Now just a minute. Fine director? Have you heard even one note a'music from any band? No, but... But nothin', girly girl! He's never formed a band in his life! And he never will! If you'll just listen to me for a minute. Oh, I'd like to. I'd like to do a lot more than that, if I had the time, 'cause I sure got the inclination. But I gotta get back on that train and deliver this dynamite to somebody on the way to the depot. Bye, girly girl. I'll see you next time through. You'll never make that train at the depot. You'll have to catch it at the crossing. No, sir. I've got to leave word. And I can see you ain't the one to leave it with. Just a minute, Mr. Cowell, you... You don't know me yet. Is that an invitation? I never met a man who sells anvils. That's something, well... Uh, quite different. Takes a real salesman, I can tell you that much. Anvils have a limited appeal, you know... I... What am I doin'? If I miss that train, I'm fired! I gotta leave word about that fellow Hill! Leave word with me. Not on your tintype. How do I know you'd even deliver these letters? Try me. (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING) There's your train, you better run for it! You double-dealing little... Who do you think you're protecting? That guy's got a different girl in every county in Illinois, and he's taken away from every one of 'em! And that's 102 counties! That's not counting the little piano teachers like you that he cozies up to, just to keep their mouths shut! Neither one of you's heard the last of me, girly girl! (MRS. PAROO EXCLAIMS) Oh, my goodness, I just remembered, I've got some jelly on the stove! There's no jelly on the stove, Mama. Well, I'll just put some on. You just come up here and set. Shall we "set" as your mother said? What are you doing here? You asked me to call. Did I? I didn't mean anything. No, no, I wasn't suggesting that your invitation inferred anything, but academic enlightenment, the Think System. I've been by your house to try to explain it to you a time or two this week, but there always seemed to be people around. Mostly ladies, I thought. Yes, Mrs. Squires and several of the ladies. I'm glad. Wouldn't want anybody beating my time. Well, it's evidently not the convenient time. Professor Hill! Is it true that you've had 100... What I'm trying to say is... Yes? Is it really true that you've developed a... A Think System? Absolutely. It's really very simple, as simple as whistling. No one has to show you how to use your lips in whistling. You only have to think a tune to have it come out clearly... Here. Now just try this yourself, before you ask any questions. I take your word. (SIGHS) Would you like to sit down? Are all music teachers as dense as I am? All music teachers? I daresay you meet dozens... Even a hundred. Well, I... Have they all been fascinated as I have with... The Think System? Some more, some less. One young lady thought up the same system before I got to her town. She showed me a few refinements. I see. Have I said something wrong? Please don't let me keep you, Professor Hill. You must have many more important things to do than explain the Think System to me. Can't think of one. And I must be very dull company for a man of your experience. Now, say, where'd you get an idea like that? One hears rumors of traveling salesmen. What have you heard? Oh, nothing, nothing about you personally, just generally. What have you heard generally? Just that, but of course, it stands to reason that disappointment and jealousy can lead to, to, I mean, take you for instance, your attention to, to, to customers and, and, and well, teachers, might easily be misinterpreted, mightn't they? I mean, now honestly, mightn't they? Why? And, so you say, if another salesman or someone were jealous, I mean... Well, they could be downright lies, couldn't they? What could? Rumors and things. Why, of course. It just proves that you can't believe everything you hear, doesn't it? I mean... If you just discuss things. Miss Marian, I would be delighted to discuss anything in the world with you. But couldn't we do it sitting down? You do sit? Your knees bend and all. We could sit on the porch steps. We could also sit on the large hollow log over't the footbridge. Oh, I couldn't think of it. I've never been to the footbridge with a man in my life. Just to talk. I just can't, please, some other time. Maybe tomorrow. My dear little librarian, pile up enough tomorrows and you'll find you've collected nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays. I don't know about you, but I'd like to make today worth remembering. So would I. Footbridge. In one hour. One hour. (EXCLAIMS) Mama! Mama! What? I just told Professor Hill I'd meet him at the footbridge in an hour. Glory be and the saints be praised. It works! What does? I've been usin' the Think System on you from the parlor! ZANEETA: Professor Hill! We need you for the Shipoopi! I've been looking everywhere! Come on! Zaneeta, I'll be along shortly. No, we've got to hurry! Everybody's waiting, and there's gonna be fireworks. Ye Gods, you don't want to miss them! (ALL CHEERING) All right, I'll give it a try! Found him! What? What am I supposed to do? We got her! Yay! All right, watch out! Step back! Now a woman who'll kiss on the very first date is usually a hussy And a woman who'll kiss on the second time out is anything but fussy But a woman who'll wait 'til the third time around Head in the clouds feet on the ground... She's the girl he's glad he's found She's his Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi! The girl who's hard to get! Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi! But you can win her yet Walk her once just to raise the curtain Then you walk around twice and you make for certain Once more in the flower garden She will never get sore if you beg her pardon Do re mi fa sol la si do Si la sol fa mi re do Squeeze her once when she isn't lookin' If you get a squeeze back that's fancy cookin' Once more for a pepper-upper She will never get sore on her way to supper Do re mi fa sol la si do si do Now, little ol' Sal was a no-gal as anyone could see Lookit her now, she's a go-gal who only goes for me Squeeze her once when she isn't lookin' If you get a squeeze back that's fancy cookin' Once more for a pepper-upper She will never get sore on her way to supper Do re mi fa so la si do si do Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi! The girl who's hard to get Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi! But you can win her yet Whoa! GIRL: Come on, we wanna sing. All right, stand back. (APPLAUDING) Aw! Hey! (GASPING) Oh, my God. (CROWD LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) Oh! Oh! Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi! The girl who's hard to get Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi! But you can win her yet You can win her yet Shipoopi! (ALL GASPING) (INDISTINCT VOICES) The footbridge. Five minutes. Miss Marian, you're late. I came right here. No, I meant that you were about, well, I'd say about 26 years late. Took you all this time to get to the footbridge with a fella. If you wanna know the truth, it almost took longer. Oh? Halfway here, I nearly turned back. I suppose I'm not the first to find it easier to think clearly when not under the spell of your salesmanship. Now, Miss Marian, surely you don't think I've been selling you anything. No. No, you've given me something. That's why I decided to come. Why I don't recall giving you anything. Oh yes, you have. Something beautiful. That's why I came. I'm glad. Please don't be afraid that I'll expect too much more. One can't expect a traveling salesman to stay put. I know there have been many ports of call and there will be many more. But that's no reason for me not to be grateful for what you will have left behind for me. Marian, I... There were bells on the hill But I never heard them ringing No, I never heard them at all Till there was you There were birds in the sky But I never saw them winging No, I never saw them at all Till there was you And there was music And there were wonderful roses They tell me, in sweet fragrant meadows Of dawn and dew There was love all around But I never heard it singing, no I never heard it at all Till there was you There was love all around But I never heard it Singing No, I never heard it all Till there was you Marian, there are a lot of things you don't know about me. MARCE: Psst! Hey, Greg! Excuse me, I was expecting a cable from Hector Berlioz. This could be it. Huh. (TRAIN WHISTLING IN DISTANCE) What? Who's the salesman here? Looks like she's selling and you're buying. I have to keep her off balance, don't I? I told you that. Well, she's so far off balance now, you can't tell her from a catboat in a hurricane. Listen, the band uniforms just came in on the train. Tommy helped me collect. Here's most of the dough. The people are gonna be screaming for music now, so you gotta get out of here. What time's the freight go? 9:40 from the junction. Well, it isn't even 8:30 yet. Look, you wanna turtle-wurtle around here and get yourself caught up in a bunny-trap, you go right ahead. Don't worry, Marce. I'll meet you at the hotel in plenty of time. Your commission. Oh! Now, I'll go collect mine. (LAUGHS) Never a peaceful moment in the music business. (MARIAN CHUCKLES) Now then, uh, where were we? You were about to tell me what I don't know about you. Yeah, well, we don't have to go into all that just now, do we? No, we don't, or ever, for that matter, Harold. The librarian hasn't felt much like doing research lately, but she did plenty when you first came here. Oh, about what? About Professor Harold Hill, Gary Conservatory of Music, Gold Medal Class of aught-five. Harold, there wasn't any Gary Conservatory in aught-five. Why there certainly was. Because the town wasn't even built until aught-six. You knew all the time? I tore this page out of the Indiana Journal. It was originally intended to use against you, but now I give it to you with all of my heart. But if you knew, why didn't you... (GASPS) Why you little... (WHISTLING) While a hundred and ten cornets played the air Then I modestly took my place As the one and only bass And I oom-pahed up and down the square Goodnight, my someone Goodnight, my love With a hundred and ten cornets right behind Our star is shining Its brightest light There were horns of every shape and... Sweet dreams be yours, dear If dreams there be While a hundred and ten cornets played the air I wish I may And I wish I might Now goodnight, my someone Goodnight Goodnight One Grecian urn! Two Grecian urns. Oh, that's good. And a fountain. Ah! Trickle, trickle, trickle, trickle, trickle, trickle, trickle, trickle. Stop. Stop, stop, stop. Stop! Listen to this man! He has something very important to tell all of us. You gullible, green-grass goats! Can't you get it through your head that you're being swindled out'a your eye teeth right now, this very minute? There's a burglar in the bedroom while you're fiddling in the parlor! I'm talking about Harold Hill. (CROWD GASPS) Road agent. Highwayman. Pickpocket. Pickpocket? CHARLIE: Same thing, oh-ho! Oh-ho, same thing. He's had his hand in your wallet, mister. And yours, madam. And yours, little lady. Ever since the first moment he came to this town! Why there is more documented evidence than you'll ever have time to read! There isn't any band, there never has been any band, there never will be any band! Winthrop! And unless you track this man down, right now, like a mad dog, there won't be any Harold Hill either! Because, he'll be on the next train outta town. (CROWD GASPING AND TALKING) Now you believe me. So, what are we waiting for? I want my money back! Money back? I want his hide! After him. And when you find him, bring him to the schoolhouse. After him! I don't believe any of those things he said about the Professor. Try the low road! Look by the creek! This is America. A man is innocent until proven guilty. Don't you quote the constitutional to me, you young pup. That fellow doesn't have an e plurbis unum to stand on! Try the mill! Back at the privy! Follow me. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Outta my way. (GASPING) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) (PANTING) You gotta get out of here, Greg. There's an anvil salesman blew you outta the water. Uh-oh! Everyone in town wants a piece of ya. Hurry! Here, go out the back. See you around the pond. Good luck! (CROWD SHOUTING) MAN: Upstairs! This way! Winthrop! What is it? What's wrong? (SOBBING) I hate him! I hate him! Who? The Professor. What happened? He's a liar. Winthrop, tell me what happened. MRS. PAROO: Marian! I can't find your brother! He's up here! Mother, what happened? (WHISTLE BLOWS) MRS. PAROO: Winthrop, open this door, this second. MARIAN: He's probably out the window again, Mama. (DOG BARKING) MAN: Check down by the banks! Marian, let me in. Just for a minute. You can't stay. You have to get out. Please go! Please, Harold, they're even talking about tar and feathers. Marian, I had to see you. I was writing you a letter. It's all right. Don't you know that? You don't owe me a word. Not a word. Now, please, hurry. I hate you! I hate you! Winthrop! I hate you, you liar. Wait a minute here, son. WINTHROP: I'm not your son! Leave me go! Not till I talk to you for a minute. I won't listen! You wouldn't tell the truth anyway. I would, too. Would not. Would too! Tell you anything you wanna know. Can you lead a band? No. Are you a big liar? Yes. Are you a dirty rotten crook? Yes. Now, leave me go, you big liar! What's the matter? You wanted the truth, didn't you? Now I'm bigger'n you and you're gonna stand here and get it all, so you might as well quit wiggling. Now, there's two things you're entitled to know. One, you're a wonderful kid. I thought so from the first. That's why I wanted you in the band, just so you'd stop mopin' around feeling sorry for yourself. What band? I always think there's a band, kid. What's the other thing, I'm entitled to know? Well, actually the other thing isn't any your business now that I think of it. I wish you'd never come to River City! No, you don't, Winthrop. Sister, you believe him? I believe everything he ever said. But he promised us. I know what he promised us. And it all happened just like he said. The lights and the flags and the colors and the cymbals. WINTHROP: Where's all that? In the way every kid in this town walked around here the last three weeks, and looked and acted. Especially you! And the parents, too. Does Mama wish he'd never come to River City? No. WINTHROP: Well you do, don't you? No, Winthrop, I don't. Now go, please, Harold. Go on, Professor, hurry up. I can't go, Winthrop. Why not? For the first time in my life, I got my foot caught in the door. There was love all around But I never heard it singing No I never heard it at all Till there was you MARCE: Greg! Greg, they're here. Get out! Get out any way you can! Go on, Professor. Do as he says. Sorry, Marce. Let's go. MAYOR: As soon as I spoke to Charlie Cowell, it was oblivious to me that something had to be done. Which is why I interrupted the program when I did. Rest assured, this snake in our bosom would have been misapprehended by this time. Yes! And always remember, fellow River Citizians, I can only remind you, that I did everything in my power to prevent this dire happening from happening. What have you done to get our money back? That Professor collected nearly three hundred dollars for uniforms, just last night. We haven't seen any uniforms yet. He's slippery. I told you. I haven't seen my boy since just after supper. He's a kidnapper. Fine situation here. Virtue has triumphed. The sword of retribution has cut down Professor Harold Hill! And if there are those, as I have heard, who are melting tar and collecting feathers, I will not say them nay. Well, I think there ought to be some of you who could forget our everlasting Iowa stubborn chip-on-the-shoulder arrogance long enough to remember River City before Harold Hill arrived. Do you remember? Well, do you? Surely some of you ought to be grateful to him for what he has brought to River City and if so, I should think you would want to admit it. You're wasting a great deal of time here. If there's a person in this hall who doesn't think this man Hill should be tarred and feathered, let him stand up. Come on. MAN: Go ahead, stand up. Eulalie, sit down. And the rest of you, standin' there like a coat of Shropshire sheep, have you people forgotten how you bought expensive uniforms, technical instruction books and high-priced band instruments? Have you forgotten the clear understanding and warrantee that your children would be taught to play in a band? Well, where's the band? Where's the band? (GIRLS GIGGLING) Think, men, think. One, two... (BAND PLAYING OFF KEY) That's my Barney! That tuba's my Barney! Just look at him. He's so wonderful. Thank you. Linus, play to me, son, play to me! MAN: (SHOUTING) That the way, Steve. That's Eddie's coronet. Davey, my Davey. MAN: That's my Garrett. (BLOWS) Mrs. Paroo, that's Winthrop. (CROWD CHEERING) (BELL RINGS)