Ladyfingers

1 [yawns] [sniffs] So, uh, what are we doing? Are we just-- Do you not see the phone to my ear? I-- I do, but-- What? I said, I-- You think this is some sort of joke? Maybe the one about the interrupting cow? Moo! Shut up. Look, I-- [growls] Listen, you had just better put Mr. Vandertunt on the line this instant! Well, then, go find him. [gasps] Oh. Well, then-- Hello? Ass! Apparently that was your brother. What? Cecil? [growls loudly] [growls] Seriously. And let me guess-- He-- Let me guess! He said he didn't believe that I'd been kidnapped. - Yes, he-- Has this happened before? No. I don't know. Well, he-- Hey, do you need me for this? Yes! Because I've been awake for, like, three days. Your point being? I desperately need sleep? You can sleep when you're dead. It may literally come to that. Because Len Trexler is going to be left holding a very empty bag on this. And to make that happen, I need you to drive out to Vandertunt Castle and convince the old man I'll mail her home in several different boxes. [growls] But not really, though, right? Well-- No! Well-- Look [yawns] I can't drive way the hell out there without some sleep. I-- [singsongy] I have Dexedrine. Ah, and the universe provides. [pills rattle] Okay, so, once I'm out there, [pills crunching] how am I supposed to convince Vandertunt you're serious? Take him a finger. Huh? But not one of mine, though, right? No! Well-- I'm not taking him anybody's finger. I'm just trying to save you a trip. How-- I mean, you don't want to drive all the way out there just to have him say, "On second thought, to make this happen, we're going to need a finger. " Nobody has ever said, "To make this happen, we're going to need a finger. " Oh, you'd be surprised. [shudders] The last thing I wanted to get mixed up in is a kidnapping, even one as phony as a three-dollar bill. Because doing a stretch in jail would be the least of my worries. Vandertunts have enough juice in this town to make sure I never even see the inside of a cell. So I am not looking forward to this. Plus I bet that creepy old joint's as haunted as Mrs. Muir's twat. Hmm. I know, right? Oh, also, when I said I'd take you to the bus station [tires screeching] [man yells] [exclaiming] [laughing] [Figgis] Typical Archer. Figures he'd be a goddamn slob. Uh, I think maybe somebody tossed the place? Oh. Yeah. Maybe. Wonder what they were after. Who knows? Maybe some poor dumb bastard broke in here to steal back the photos of his cheatin' wife gettin' [clears throat] Sorry. Why-- I was gonna say "flap-hammered. " Why do you constantly bring that up? What, Archer hammering your wife? Yes! In her flaps? Yes! [muffled audible shrug] [sighs] Okay. Well, we're not gonna find any clues to lead us to Charlotte Vandertunt in this dump, so let's-- Yeah. There's no telling where she is. [mock gasp] And if we don't know where she is? It's frustrating? No. Then nobody knows where she is. Uh-huh. Including her father! Yep. Which means we can just tell him we kidnapped her, collect the ransom ourselves, and then pay off Trexler! Ohh. Okay. Yeah. But on some level, it's also gotta be pretty frustrating. Not as frustrating as you! In the meantime, she was at Dreamland with Archer the other night. [line ringing] So go snoop around, see if you turn up anything. [chuckling] Besides a cold brewski, am I right? Hello? Yes, Vandertunt Castle, please. Damn it, I don't care if the number's unlisted! This is a police emergency! Thank you. That worked? Why are you still here? Yes, hello. This is, uh-- [clears throat] uh, ze kidnapperz. [wheezy, gravelly voice] Please hold the wire. I apologize for the heat. It's positively tropical in here. But that's how Father prefers it. Can he hear us? Oh, yes. He's just being rude. [loudly] Father, say hello to Charlotte's kidnapper. No, no-- I-I-I didn't kidnap her. I'm just sort of a go-between. A fine distinction, legally speaking. I know, but look, I'm just trying to make sure she gets home safely. In exchange for one million dollars. According to the person, or persons, who asked me to deliver the message. Whom I'm sure she's boring senseless with her constant raving about incest. Uh, I wouldn't know about that. Oh, it's when, uh-- I know what it is. [quietly] Did you know it's forbidden? Everybody knows it's forbidden. Oh, you'd be surpri-- Yes, Pelham? [wheezy, gravelly whispering] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Ohh. Mm-hmm! Yes, I think a finger should suffice. Oh, is he taking drink orders? 'Cause I could go for a couple of fingers of Old Buncombe. Like, a whole handful. At 7:00 a. m., you care for bourbon. Deeply. Very well. Finish your call, Pelham, and then Mr. Archer needs a drink. I hate to say "need. " Well-- Yeah. Pelham has had the most interesting telephone call. Tell me, Mr. Archer, does, or do, your person, or persons, possess an accent vaguely Germanic? That's pretty confusing, but no. Most confusing, yes, because such a person is on the telephone just now, claiming that he is the kidnapper. "He"? I mean, what? Th-That's impossible. Yes, even Charlotte isn't stupid enough to get herself kidnapped by two different kidnappers at once. Well-- Which means one of you is lying. So I'm afraid I shall have to ask for proof you actually have Charlotte. What kind of-- Wait. Oh, no. Yes. I'm afraid I require a finger. I-I could bring you her. Just drive by the house. She can wave to you. Mmmmmmmmmmm, no. I-- That's-- - Then how about a photo of her holding today's newspaper? Mmmm, well, now, that could work. Yeah, it's-- Just make sure that she's holding the newspaper with nine fingers. Aw, goddamn it. Well, actually seven. What? You know, not counting her thumbs. And then, obviously, bring me her severed finger and the photograph so that I may compare the two. [sighs] Yeah. Um, obviously. Father, say good-bye to Charlotte's ostensible kidnapper! [sighs] So I guess that's a no on the bourbon? Yes. Good-bye. [sighs] Where the hell am I supposed to find a finger? Hello? Hello? Hey, listen to me. Whoever you are, and whatever this whole thing is, I don't want it. Well, I'm very sorry to hear that. Well, too bad, because-- Because you're getting it, whether you want it or not. So, let's get to it, shall we? No. Look-- Look, listen. I didn't know, okay? I thought this was gonna be, like, some pull-on fake feet, man, not-- not-- Oh, sweet Jesus Lord God Christ, not some freaky metal robot legs! [meows] That'll do, Schnuckiputzi. [meows] And also, it's not just the legs. No, you crazy Kraut bastard, I don't want any part of those parts! But your employer, Mr. Trexler, does. It's not his body! Look, I'm just following orders. What? That's what the Nazis said! Okay, yeah, tell me about Nazis. [grunting] [slurred] What is taking so long? [speaking German] [meows] I said, that will do! [purring] [slurping] Mm. Mm. What a load of shit. I should be looking for my partner's killer, but instead I'm looking for a damn finger. [tires screeching] [belches] [gulps, belches] [hot dog thuds] [Poovey grunts] [body thuds] [body being dragged] [sawing] [Krieger humming] [sawing stops] [humming stops] [sawing resumes] [humming resumes] [sighs] [speaking German] [air-raid siren in distance] [sighs] [sighs] Well, I hate to say I told you so. Do you? No. It's one of the few great pleasures in life. Hang on. Do you live in here? No, you ass! I live in the ten-room penthouse apartment upstairs. Oh. You don't happen to have a bunch of surplus fingers up there, do ya? What do you think? Honestly? Hardy-har-har. If you need a finger, just take one. But-- No, I'm not cutting off her [snoring loudly] Man, that septum is deviated, huh? That's not her. [Archer] Poovey? Mm-hmm. Tried to break into the club first thing this morning. I assume looking for Drooling Beauty over there. Yeah, you really threw a monkey wrench into Figgis' plan. His plan? Yeah, to ransom her off. Why? Wh-- To pay back Trexler. For what? What are you-- For the sex slaves Trexler was gonna-- Oh, I get it! Do you? You're saying this is all my fault. Isn't it? I-- Look, this whole fiasco started because I came to you for help! Exactly. Whose fault is that? Son of a-- That is so-- So now I gotta go find a goddamn finger? And if I were you, I'd take one of her rings to put on it. They say the devil's in the details. And silk pajamas. What? Get up, you lummox! Huh? Wuzza-- What the-- Archer? Get up, dummy. We gotta go. You better pray to God it wasn't you who hit me, because whoever it was hits like a weak little bitch of a girl, who was born with some kind of little bitch of a birth defect, so that instead of a fist, she just has this tiny little bitch of a nubbin. And I guess I'll drive, since you clearly have a concussion. Yeah, not feeling great. [smacking lips] [gulps] Ahh. You know you're killing me, right? Sorry, are you talking to me, or just meat-stuffed intestines in general? Figgis is counting on that ransom money. I can't double-cross him again. Why not? Because if he finds out, somebody's gonna find me in a hole in the desert. [laughs] No, they're not. Exactly! Look, it's your own fault for doing right by all those Chinese broads. Talk about no good deed. It was a good deed. And now I need you to help me do another good deed. Defraud an old man out of a million dollars using a severed human finger. And reunite a family. Of daughter and sister-bangers. Alleged daughter and sister-bangers. [sighs] [muffled] Well, let's go to the morgue. That's the spirit. [gulps] [hot dog thuds] [tires screeching] [belches] [man] Excuse me? I said, I'm looking for a corpse. White, female, mid-30s, fresh, within, say, the last 12 hours. Jesus Christ, every full moon. Beat it, ya sicko, before I call the cops. I am the cops, asshole! I'm working a missing persons! Well, maybe lead with that, huh? Just buzz me in, ya hump. [door buzzing] [gulps, belches] [Archer] Jesus Christ. What is it, National Hot Dog Day? No. There isn't one. Yet! Can you Oh, right. LAPD. We're looking for a-- Missing persons, yeah. White female, 30s, brand-newly deceased. Your jerk-off partner's already back there. [sighs] Our what? Eyeglasses, dark hair, gray at the temples, mouth like somebody used a tomato capper to scoop out a pig's asshole and glued it under his nose? Aw, shit! [door buzzing] Are you nuts? Do you wanna get caught? We're not gonna get caught. Now shut up, put these on, and follow my lead. Aw, jeez. He's really doing it. [sighs] Sorry, lady. But if you think about it, which I guess you can't, this whole thing is Archer's fault, so [muffled gag] [whispering] Will you get in position?! [quietly] Okay! Jesus! Okay. Jesus. On one, two Ohhhh [crunch] [disgusted groaning] [Archer, in English accent] Great Scott! Wha-- Don't you move, you sick bugger! No-- No, no-- This-- This isn't-- I-I can explain. You're damn right you will-- to the bobbies! By which I mean the police! I am the police. Well? Well, whaaa-- Holy shit! I can't believe I did that! I can't believe it took you so damn long. What, are you hourly? Pfft! [muffled] No. Wh-- Where the hell did you get that? It was just sitting there. That could've been inside somebody. [muffled grunting] [gulps, sighs] Well, it is now. [belches] Anything, whatever, a little box. [Poovey] Aren't we supposed to put it in milk? But-- That's for a tooth, dummy, if you're gonna put it back in somebody. Yeah, that makes more sense. Now, what are we gonna do about him? [chuckles] I actually have some thoughts on that. He'll freeze to death in there! No, he won't. I'll call them in, like, half an hour. Oh. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What? [chuckling] Strip him. Really wish we hadn't have done that. I can never unsee him naked. I mean, the size of that thing. Hollow that big bastard out, you could use it for an umbrella stand. Ugh! Goddamn it! What? [Cecil] Oh, I suppose I'm just surprised. Why? You said you wanted her finger, so, you know, here's her finger. It's really in there? See for yourself. Mmmmmmmmmm, no. I'm sorry? I trust you. Unless What? [shouting] Father, do you wanna see Charlotte's ostensible severed finger? No. We're good. Are you-- This could be anything! It could be a piece of a hot dog! Eww! Don't you start! You say it's her finger, I take you at your word. And I assume you'll be in touch shortly with complicated instructions for the exchange of the ransom money for my horrible sister? I mean [Mother] Good. Then it's all settled. Yeah. Uh, I guess. I'll expect the ransom within 24 hours, so you'll see to that. But-- And then you're gonna help me find my partner's killer, right? All in good time, Mr. Archer. Right. [Charlotte inhales deeply] [yawns] Is it just me [sniffs] or does it smell like finger? [device ratcheting] [vital signs monitor beeping] [sighs] Almost there. So close. [distant explosions] [speaking German] [sighs] Oh! [sighs] [chuckles] [both gasp] [weapons cocking] [cat] [gasps] [whistles] [clacking] [growling] [general, men] [barking, growling] [shouting in German] [men yelling, screaming] [screaming continues] [growling continues] [meows, purrs] [crying] [explosions grow closer] [explosions continue] [dogs growling, snarling] [nurse screaming] [clicking tongue] Tu-tu. [meows] [purring] Yeah, you're just a widdle whore for the cuddles, huh? Okay, I gotta get some sleep. You be a good girl. Who's a good girl? Yeah, you're a good girl. [chuckling] [laughing] [whirring, clicking] [maniacal laughter]