The Diet

Food For Thought

 * Hmm. Hm.
 * Mmm...
 * What's going on? I've never seen Mr. Dad that confused by the fridge before.
 * Yeah, it's the only appliance in the house that he actually knows how to use.
 * Kids, where would I find the "sa-lard?"
 * You mean salad.
 * It's in the drawer at the bottom of the fridge.
 * There's a drawer in the fridge?!
 * I thought we agreed no secrets.
 * Hmph! Oh, who am I kidding? I still love you.  Dinner is served.
 * I'm impressed. You're really taking this diet thing seriously.
 * Sure I am. My book says if you use tiny plates, you eat less.
 * Um, that only works if you have one tiny plate.
 * What diet is this?
 * Well, that's the no-carbs diet. That's the high-protein diet. That's the five-two diet, that's the two-five diet. That's the--
 * Pizza delivery!
 * And that?
 * My reward for dieting.
 * Hey Mr. Dad, I like your new roll-neck sweater.
 * I'm not wearing a roll-neck.
 * Oh. It's your, uh, actual neck roll. Are you sure this diet's working?
 * Absolutely. I feel incredible. It's given me so much energy.
 * Yeah, you did just sleep for thirty-six hours.
 * That means I missed a whole day's eating! Hmm, it's weird. Since I started dieting, we run out of food so quickly I have to go buy groceries every day. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. Hmm.  That's it! I should get the groceries delivered!
 * Done!
 * Let's go to the grocery store.
 * But you just ordered a whole load of food.
 * I've got to have something to eat in the meantime, don't I? Chewing is one of the best ways to burn calories.
 * It's taking him forever.
 * Uh, Dad? I don't think this diet's working.
 * That means I missed a whole day's eating! Hmm, it's weird. Since I started dieting, we run out of food so quickly I have to go buy groceries every day. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. Hmm.  That's it! I should get the groceries delivered!
 * Done!
 * Let's go to the grocery store.
 * But you just ordered a whole load of food.
 * I've got to have something to eat in the meantime, don't I? Chewing is one of the best ways to burn calories.
 * It's taking him forever.
 * Uh, Dad? I don't think this diet's working.
 * It's taking him forever.
 * Uh, Dad? I don't think this diet's working.
 * Uh, Dad? I don't think this diet's working.
 * Uh, Dad? I don't think this diet's working.

Secret Stash

 * Okay, Darwin and I are going to help you diet properly.
 * What do you know about dieting?
 * The internet exists. We don't need to "know" anything.
 * We will be your thin-spiration.
 * Your slim-presarios.
 * Your--
 * Okay, I think he gets it.
 * Hm.
 * Now, if you want to take this seriously, you need to be open and honest about what you eat.
 * Do you have any food in the house we don't know about?
 * Uhhh...
 * Dad!
 * I thought that would throw you guys off.
 * Hmm.
 * That's not so bad.
 * Wait a minute.
 * Hm.
 * Mmm.
 * That's it, we're putting you in lockdown! Somewhere where there's no food.
 * Fish Finger, do you copy? I repeat, Fish Finger, do you copy?
 * All quiet here. I repeat, all quiet here, Night Towel.
 * Ugh! It's Night Owl. Wait, I'm picking up some interference here.
 * Sounds like... chewing. What's he doing in there? I can't make it out. Do you see anything?
 * He has a burger! Repeat, he has a burger!
 * You're gonna have to go in. And, Darwin? Be careful.
 * Mr. Dad? He's gone!
 * But that's impossible! What can you see?
 * Oh my gosh! The hamburger's fake!
 * It must be a trap! Get out of there! Abort! Abort!
 * Oh. It's just saliva. Ew-ew-ew-ew-ew! He's escaped!
 * FRIDGE!
 * This is a new low.
 * Meh, feels like a very familiar low.
 * Dad moves so fast when there's food involved.
 * Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
 * and : We use food to trick Dad into exercising!
 * Huh, that never usually works.
 * You probably shouldn't have said your plan out loud right in front of me.
 * Don't worry, his short-term memory is terrible.
 * So, what are we talking about?
 * There it is.
 * Meh, feels like a very familiar low.
 * Dad moves so fast when there's food involved.
 * Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
 * and : We use food to trick Dad into exercising!
 * Huh, that never usually works.
 * You probably shouldn't have said your plan out loud right in front of me.
 * Don't worry, his short-term memory is terrible.
 * So, what are we talking about?
 * There it is.

Flab to Fab

 * It's working! But it feels like something's missing.
 * Training wheels?
 * Nah, we're too old for them.
 * Synth rock and cross-fades?
 * Feel the heat when your heart's on fire. Burn it up, let it take you higher. Tearin' down the walls that cage your mind.
 * Woo-hoo!
 * Ahh, I knew all we needed to get Dad fit was a montage.
 * Yeah! And quick, too! It was under a minute.
 * That tune is so annoying. Still got it going around in my head.
 * Me too.
 * Oh, he's still montaging.
 * I'm sure he'll tire himself out soon.
 * Hey, get off of my car! Get out of the way, Watterson!
 * Get out of the way of my car!
 * That's right, buddy. Honk if you think I'm tonk.
 * Oh look. We've created a monster.
 * Yeah, a really ripped one.
 * Say, which one of you two fine specimens is coming with me to the mall? People there are gonna wanna see me with my shirt off.
 * Yeah, uh, I think we're gonna stay home.
 * I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to these babies.
 * Aw, for cryin' out loud!
 * We have to follow him.
 * 'Cause he's a danger to himself?
 * No, because there's a danger he'll embarrass us.
 * That's right, buddy. Honk if you think I'm tonk.
 * Oh look. We've created a monster.
 * Yeah, a really ripped one.
 * Say, which one of you two fine specimens is coming with me to the mall? People there are gonna wanna see me with my shirt off.
 * Yeah, uh, I think we're gonna stay home.
 * I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to these babies.
 * Aw, for cryin' out loud!
 * We have to follow him.
 * 'Cause he's a danger to himself?
 * No, because there's a danger he'll embarrass us.
 * 'Cause he's a danger to himself?
 * No, because there's a danger he'll embarrass us.

Vanity Insanity

 * Thanks for the lift.
 * Bah, I was tryin' to run you over.
 * How are we gonna know where he is?!
 * Don't worry, he's selfie-ing now. He updates his profile picture every five seconds. We can work it out from that. See? Look at those puppies.
 * Ah, I don't wanna see that! Oh. Not what I expected. That means he's at the pet store!
 * Oh! Now he's at the nursery. What's he doing now?!
 * Uh, excuse me? I'm really sorry to bother you, but--
 * Hah, it's quite alright. I get this all the time. I'm ready for you to take my picture.
 * Umm...
 * Don't worry, I've got this.
 * Uh, actually, um...
 * Wait, I'll just tag it. "Chillin' with my fans."
 * Yeah, I just wanted to see if you were using this chair?
 * You mean this chair?
 * You know what? Don't worry about it.
 * You could take this table if you like.
 * Yeah uh, never mind.
 * Where is he?!
 * He's in Paris?! London? New Jersey?
 * Oh, he's at the travel agents, by the fountain! Come on!
 * I wish for a world in which everyone can live together in peace and harmony.
 * Don't worry kid! I'll rescue that coin!
 * How is he doing that?
 * And why?
 * Be more careful next time, big guy.
 * Uhh, thanks? I guess that means no world peace.
 * Where did he go?!
 * The parking lot!
 * How is he doing that?
 * And why?
 * Be more careful next time, big guy.
 * Uhh, thanks? I guess that means no world peace.
 * Where did he go?!
 * The parking lot!
 * Where did he go?!
 * The parking lot!

Feel the Heat

 * Work it, work it. Put your back into it now. I'm gonna make that body work, make that body work--
 * Hey buddy, where ya goin' with my tires?!
 * Hey, stop! That guy has to be stopped!
 * I mean, his abs are phenomenal, but he has got to be stopped!
 * We have a fire on West Elmore Boulevard. Wait, there's a guy, he's taking the hose. Sir, he's... he's posing with the hose! Sir, sir?!
 * Uh, m-maybe it's not him?
 * Look at the size of those biceps!
 * Yeah, it's definitely him.
 * Sir, for pity's sake I need the hose to put out the fire!
 * There might be people in there!
 * He stole my helmet!
 * You join us here as our brave fire department are prevented from doing their job by a local jerk.
 * Sir, stop posing with the fire hose or I'll have to use this!
 * I warned you! Oh my gosh! It's just making his abs more defined.
 * Magnificent!
 * Everything we try just makes him more beautiful.
 * You'd feel so safe in those arms.
 * Dad, stop!
 * You're taking this too far! You've become vain! Remember what's important to you! What means more to you than anything else?
 * Yes, remember your family!
 * No, food! Remember food!
 * You join us here as a local hero has put out a house fire without the aid of our useless fire department. Who needs firemen anyway?
 * I'm sorry, kids. I guess I went a bit too far. Let me make it up to you. Who wants pizza? And after that, we can go for Mexican. And after that, we can go for Chinese. Oh, and we should get a burrito too, and maybe some ice cream.
 * You know what? I could also really go for a taco right now. There's this place I know where they toast the tacos first. Then, maybe a burger.
 * Dad, stop!
 * You're taking this too far! You've become vain! Remember what's important to you! What means more to you than anything else?
 * Yes, remember your family!
 * No, food! Remember food!
 * You join us here as a local hero has put out a house fire without the aid of our useless fire department. Who needs firemen anyway?
 * I'm sorry, kids. I guess I went a bit too far. Let me make it up to you. Who wants pizza? And after that, we can go for Mexican. And after that, we can go for Chinese. Oh, and we should get a burrito too, and maybe some ice cream.
 * You know what? I could also really go for a taco right now. There's this place I know where they toast the tacos first. Then, maybe a burger.
 * I'm sorry, kids. I guess I went a bit too far. Let me make it up to you. Who wants pizza? And after that, we can go for Mexican. And after that, we can go for Chinese. Oh, and we should get a burrito too, and maybe some ice cream.
 * You know what? I could also really go for a taco right now. There's this place I know where they toast the tacos first. Then, maybe a burger.
 * You know what? I could also really go for a taco right now. There's this place I know where they toast the tacos first. Then, maybe a burger.