Wish You Were Ed

[Jimmy is driving a toy car, Sarah riding in the back.] Sarah: "Keep your eyes on the road." Jimmy: "Okay Miss Sarah." Sarah: "I'm hot. Turn on the air conditioning." Jimmy: "Okay Miss Sarah." Sarah: "I said keep your eyes on the road." Jimmy: "Okay Miss Sarah." [The car hits a bump.] Sarah: "Where'd you get your license, in a Chunky Puff box?!?" Jimmy: "If you don't like it, lump it, Miss Sarah!" [He feels bad.] "Gee, I'm sorry. It's the darn road rage." Sarah: "AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" Jimmy: "AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" [Jimmy turns the wheel, narrowly avoiding Jonny, who is riding his scooter backwards.] Jonny: "Woo hoo! Demolition derby!" Nazz: "Look out, Jonny!" [She on skates and Kevin on his bike narrowly avoid him.] Kevin: "Whoa! Quit hoggin the road, quirky!" Nazz: "Speaking of road hogs." [Rolf is in a basket strapped to Wilfred's back.] Rolf: "Feast your eyes on Rolf's hotshot wagon. Very spicy, yes?" [The kids laugh.] Kevin: "I've got heartburn." Sarah: "How stupid can you get?" Rolf: "Easy come, easy go, hmm? As Rolf will make you eat his fried onions! A race, I say!" Kevin: "A race? You're on."

[The kids line up by a mailbox.] Jimmy: "Victory, thy name is Jimmy." Kevin: [to Rolf] "Where to, dude?" Rolf: "We race to the fermented cane outlet!" Jimmy: "What?" Kevin: "Huh?" Nazz: "Where?" Jonny: "What'd he say?" Rolf: "Curse this modern expression. How do you say...the candy store?" [The kids take off, leaving Rolf behind in a cloud of dust.] Rolf: "Ah, their enthusiasm is great, but enough buffoonery!" [He holds a picture of a sow in front of Wilfred's eyes.] "Come, Wilfred! Go with the speed of cabbage!" ''[Wilfred takes off so fast that Rolf's basket comes loose. Rolf falls to the ground, landing next to a large drop mailbox. Ed is stuck in the mailbox, and Edd is trying to use a crowbar to get Ed loose.]'' Ed and Edd: "Hello, Rolf." Rolf: "Hello, Ed-boys." [He drops his head to the pavement.] Edd: "If we had some grease we could slide Ed out." Eddy: "Where the heck are we gonna get–hey Rolf, can you spare a cup of fat?" Rolf: "Rolf is heartbroken." [He sits up, depressed, but says nothing more for a while.] "Rolf's keister grows cold." Eddy: "Rolf's what?" Rolf: "I grow tired of this-this cold cement, this-this twisted steel of industry, this confusing leisure delights! And your ill-at-ease customs! Rolf sweats himself to understand your modern go-go world. But he yearns the simple life. The life once had in the Old Country. Oh." [His eyes brim with tears.] Edd: "Are you alright, Rolf?" Rolf: "My heart! My heart! It's broken. Rolf longs for the old village." [Rolf walks away, a thoroughly broken man.] Eddy: "Geez, talk about killing a mood." Edd: "Rolf's frustrated, Eddy. How difficult it must be to adapt to a new way of life. To put aside handed down beliefs, and be pulled between two cultures." [Ed walks up to them.] Ed: "Rolf's homesick, Eddy." Eddy: "Where'd you come from?" Ed: "Blame my parents, Eddy." Eddy: [getting an idea] "A transatlantic flight. I've got the plan all up here." Ed: "And I'll fly the plane." Edd: "Let me salvage what's left of this plot." Eddy: "Whatever. But if it works, it was my idea."

''[Rolf is polishing his beets, depressed. Suddenly, he hears a squonking noise. He goes to investigate and sees a contraption milking his cow. The milk is flowing through a hose that leads over the fence.]'' Eddy: "C'mon c'mon, move it Double D!" Edd: "I'm shoveling as fast as I can, Eddy." ''[Eddy is holding a hose. The milk is flowing into a giant bowl. Next to it is a fake box of Chunky Puffs. Edd is shoveling tennis balls painted to look like cereal into the bowl.]'' Eddy: "We need more tennis balls to float in the milk. We need a full bowl of cereal." [He gets in the bowl.] "Hurry up, before Rolf shows up." [He turns around and sees Rolf.] "Oh, uh" [to Ed in an undertone] "Quick Ed, you know the drill." [Eddy splashes in the milk.] "Woo hoo! It's a wish come true, huh Ed?" Ed: "I wish, I wish I was a fish!" Rolf: "Your kitchenware is larger than Papa's nasal wart. But how can this be?" Ed: "You can't catch me." [He ducks underwater.] Eddy: "We just wished for a giant bowl of Chunky Puffs, and Presto Chango! We're soaking in it!" Edd: "Hard to believe, isn't it, Rolf?" Rolf: "Wait!" [He leaps down from the fence.] "Tell Rolf more about this hocus-pocus, as Rolf has wishes too." Eddy: "Behold!" [He grabs Ed's leg and displays Ed's shoe.] "The magical shoe!" Rolf: "Rolf is humbled by the stench of destiny." Eddy: "Believe in the stench, Rolf, as it grants your wish. No matter what it is!" Rolf: "Ed-boy. Could the shoe take pity on Rolf and grant his wish to return to his homeland?" Eddy: "Yes!" Rolf: "May Rolf speak to the shoe?" Eddy: "No." Rolf: "No?" Eddy: "Yes? No?" Rolf: "Yes! Rolf knows what makes Ed-boy tick." [He pulls four quarters from his pocket.] "No?" Eddy: "Yes!" ''[He snatches the coins. Rolf takes the shoe.]'' Rolf: "Rolf's legs wooble with weakness!" [He looks at the shoe.] "Is there a manual for this?" Eddy: "Just make your wish, and take a big whiff of the stench of destiny!" Edd: "He doesn't have to smell the–" Eddy: "Ssh!" Rolf: "Oh, great shoe, grant Rolf his wish, and take Rolf to his home!" ''[Rolf brings the shoe to his nostrils and waves the scent in. His face turns purple and he spins around in circles, eventually fainting and hitting the ground with a giant thud.]''

[When Rolf awakes, the cul-de-sac is gone, replaced with a European village.] Rolf: "Could it be?" ''[Rolf rushes over to the well. Taking a ladle hung on the side, he dips it in and drinks. Midway through, he stops, having found a large grasshopper in the ladle.]'' Rolf: "The water is fouled with infestation. My wish has been granted! THE SON OF A SHEPHERD HAS RETURNED!" ''[The camera zooms out, and we see that he is merely at the construction zone. The Eds have added fake backdrops and some props to make it seem like an Old World village.]'' Edd: [looking on with the other two Eds] "I knew this encyclopedia of Old World culture would come in handy." Eddy: "Good, 'cause I got money to spend." [He runs out.] Ed: "Jawbreakers!" [He runs the other way.] Edd: "WAIT!" [He pulls his friends back.] "You can't leave!" Ed: "Where was I going?" Edd: "C'mon, guys. We have to see this through. Rolf has a wish." Rolf: "Hello!" [He rings a bell.] "Fishmonger? Come quickly, Rolf wishes to purchase this fine fresh eel." [Rolf is referring to a sock.] Eddy: "Did Rolf say purchase?"

[Eddy gets behind the stand, dressed in ancient clothes.] "Eyeballing my eels, are ye villager?" Rolf: "I bow to thee, monger." Eddy: "Yeah, sure." Rolf: "Yahole!" [He pulls out a pole, jams it on the ground, and begins to shimmy up it.] "Are you ready, monger?" Eddy: [to Edd] "What the heck's he doing?" Edd: "It's a bartering pole, Eddy. The barterer shall balance himself on the pole, using only their abdominal area. Riveting. In order to conduct any market negotiations." Eddy: "That's stupid." Rolf: "Make haste, monger!" ''[Eddy brings out Edd. Edd is dressed as a woman.]'' Eddy: "Meet the wife. She handles the market stuff." Rolf: "Aah." [He pulls Edd's tongue out and kisses it.] "The pleasure is mine." [Eddy giggles.] "Enough formalities! What is the worth of these two eels?" Edd: "Well, uh, let's see now, um, how about, three oranges?" Rolf: "I will give you...two chickens." Eddy: "Chickens?" Ed: "Take the chickens!" [Ed is in his normal clothes, but with a white mustache and an odd hat.] Edd: "Sounds fair. Thank you." Rolf: "What? Do you not want four chickens?" Edd: "I'll be happy to take four. Four chickens it is." Rolf: "I said two." Edd: "Three chickens and a rubber band?" Rolf: "TWO CHICKENS!" Edd: "My abdomen is killing me. Two chickens, then." Eddy: "Hang on there, villager. This monger only takes cash." [Rolf hands over the chickens.] Ed: "I'll take those. Chickens!" Rolf: "Thank you, fishmonger and wife. Rolf is beside himself, for Rolf is home again!" Ed: [carrying the fowl on his back] "Mush. Mush. Mush. Mush."

[Rolf is digging a hole.] Eddy: "That's a mighty fine hole you dug there." Rolf: "Do you like it?" Eddy: "This village requires a hole-digging permit. So unless you buy one, I'm gonna have to hit you with one of these rocks." Rolf: "Ssh!" [nonsensical] "Cashese splash ishortin horton schivisin ishelogen pathen seten horton." Eddy: "What?" Ed: "Mush, mush, mush, mush, mush, mush–" [He falls into the hole.] "Ouch!" Rolf: "Your village idiot has fallen in Rolf's hole. A celebration I say!" Eddy: "Sure, why not?" [Rolf hauls Ed out of the hole.] Rolf: "You there!" [He is pointing at Edd.] "Eel-woman! Raise the jug! Play me the song of Rolf's village!" Edd: [shuffling through the book] "Folk songs, folk songs–That's My Horse?" [Edd begins to blow, and Rolf starts dancing.] Ed: "I can't dance Rolf." Rolf: "That's my horse!" [He hits Ed.] "Give it up for Rolf!" Ed: "That's my horse?" [He slaps Rolf's hands.] Rolf: "Yes, that's my horse!" [He slaps Ed's cheek.] Ed: "That's my horse!" [He hits Rolf, and they laugh.] Rolf: "That's my horse!" [He breaks a barrel over Ed's head.] Eddy: "I like this song." Ed: "My horse! My horse!" [He slams a wheelbarrow down on Rolf's head.] Rolf: "Uh-uh-uh." Edd: "What a delightful barbaric dance." Jonny: "You ain't whistling dixie, brother." Edd and Eddy: [horrified] "Jonny?" Edd: "He can't be here. This is supposed to be an Old World village!" Eddy: [pushing Jonny out] "You don't belong here, Jonny." Jonny: "Why not?" Eddy: "Cuz...uh...you need a passport." Jonny: "You're not the boss of us, Eddy!" [He pretends to leave.] Eddy: "Fathead." ''[Jonny peeks around one of the backdrops. He then runs straight by Eddy.]'' Jonny: "Yee-haw!" Eddy: "Double D! He's making a run for it!" Edd: "Jonny, please! Stop! Rolf mustn't see you!" [Ed flies into the port-a-potty.] Rolf: "That's my horse!" ''[Jonny runs into Rolf. Before Rolf can fully process what he saw, Eddy kicks Jonny away.]'' Eddy: "Bald badgers. Real problem in this village." [Jonny slams into a backdrop.] Rolf: "Badgers make a fine stew." Eddy: [turning him away from Jonny] "Sure they do. You get the onions, and I'll get the badger." ''[The backdrop falls onto Eddy. Jonny gets up.]'' Jonny: "Golly! Let's get outta here, Plank!" ''[Jonny makes a break for it and runs into another piece of scenery, toppling it. Rolf looks around.]'' Rolf: "This is no village." Edd: "Oh dear." Rolf: "You have made a Merry Andrew of Rolf! For this you must–" Edd: "Rolf, wait. Let me explain. Um, you know what they say. Curiosity killed the cat!" [He realizes what idiom he used.] "Oh, wrong analogy!" [Rolf advances on him.] "We were just trying to share your cultural heritage!" Rolf: "Oh, is this so? Let Rolf teach you then." [He grabs the jug and plays the opening notes of "That's My Horse."] Eddy: "C'mon, Double D! Rolf wants to celebrate!" [pointing to Ed] "Check out Barishna Cough Drop here." Ed: "That's my horse!" [He throws Eddy against a backdrop.] Edd: "It's your horse, it's your horse!" Ed: "Uh-uh-uh. Like this, Double D!" [He makes Edd hit him.] Edd: "Okay Ed, it's my horse!" Ed: "No, wait, it's my horse!" [He advances towards his friends.] Edd and Eddy: "No, Ed, stop!" Rolf: "Come on, everybody!" [He joyfully plays the last notes.]