Bart's Dog Gets an "F"

Dialogue
Homer: No! No! Bad dog! Let go! Bad Santa's Little Helper! Stop! Not the sports section! Stupid dog!

Homer: No! Stay away! This is not for you! This is Homer food!

Homer: (babbling nonsense) Hey! How you doing? How is your dog? It's your best friend, Homer Simpson!

Marge: Time to get up, Lisa. It's a school day.

Lisa: Owwww!

Marge: Lisa, you don't look well.

Lisa: I'll make it, Mom. Just tape my lunch box to my hand.

Marge: My, you're burning up. And your cheeks are so swollen. I think you have the mumps. I'll call Dr. Hibbert.

Homer: Marge! The dog is hungry.

Marge: Well, then, feed him.

Homer: Yes, master. D'oh!

Krusty: You're my best friend. You're my best friend.

Marge: Hello, Dr. Hibbert?

Dr. Hibbert: Uh, not that I'm angry, but how did you get my home number?

Dr. Hibbert: (chuckles) I see. Quite ingenious.

Marge: Doctor, I think Lisa has the mumps.

Dr. Hibbert: Well, Mrs. Simpson... I'd like to rely on your diagnosis, but it'd be derelict of me to do so. Let me check my schedule.

Marge: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 2:00 is fine. Thank you, Dr. Hibbert.

Bart: No way, she's faking. If Lisa stays home, I stay home.

Lisa: lf Bart stays home, I'm going to school.

Bart: Fine, then-- Wait. If Lisa goes to school, I go. But if she stays, I stay, so... ...Lisa goes to school....

Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that. Have a nice day at school, Bart.

Lisa: Get my homework from Mrs. Hoover.

Bart: Homework? Lisa, you wasted chicken pox. Don't waste the mumps.

Otto: Bart-dude! Hey, Otto-man! Yo, hairy bro.

Bart: Hey, Otto man. Go home, boy. Go home.

Apu: You wandering mongrel! Get out of my mom-and-pop operation!

Homer: Hello?

Sylvia Winfield: This is Sylvia Winfield. Your canine is in my pool again. I'm calling the dog warden right now!

Homer: Oh, Are you? Well, you go ahead and call your precious dog warden, you old axe... because my dog is tied up in the backyard!

Sylvia Winfield: There's only one family on this block... No, on Earth inconsiderate enough to let that monster roam free!

Homer: D'oh! (groans) Are you going deaf, or are you just stupid? I'll explain one more time, and then I'm going to hang up on you. It is not my dog! I tied my dog outside myself! I am looking at him right-- D'oh!

Ned: Well, how-doodlie-do. Getting some exercise? Good for you, pal. Look at this rascal. He's a wet boy, isn't he? You're a water monster.

Homer: Well, well, "Mr. Universe" takes a walk.

Ned: (chuckles) "Mr. Universe, " I wish.

Homer: Look at that get-up. Heavy hands, ankle weights, that's cute, and-- Assassins!

Ned: You bet. They've got Velcro, a water pump, built-in odometer, and vanity plates.

Homer: How much?

Ned: Well, they're not giving them away. But you've got to spoil yourself.

Homer: Yeah.

Ned: Ooh! My heart rate's dropping. Better skedaddle-y-do.

Lisa: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Dr. Hibbert: Discoloration of the glands.

Marge: Oh, dear.

Dr. Hibbert: Swelling of the parotids.

Marge: I knew it.

Dr. Hibbert: Yeah, it looks like little Lisa has the mumps. I guess you'll be missing a week of school.

Lisa: Oh, no. I don't want to fall behind my class.

Dr. Hibbert: (chuckles) Such responsibility for such a little girl. What's your favorite subject?

Lisa: Arithmetic.

Dr. Hibbert: (chuckles) Arithmetic. Before you know it, you'll be back among your polygons... and your Euclidian algorithms. You get rest and have a lollipop.

Homer: Hello? Hi, Lisa, what's wrong? The mumps? Oh, the kissing disease. My little girl is growing up.

Lisa: Yuck. Quit it, Dad. (coughs)

Homer: So, what does my little girl want? What? Let me write this down. Copies of... Teen Dream, Teen Scream... and Teen Steam magazine? Well, okay, you're the sickie. Goodbye, Lisa.

Homer: Lenny, I need to leave. Cover for me, will ya?

Lenny: Hey, sure thing, Homer.

Marge: Well, Lisa, here it is. The Bouvier family quilt.

Lisa: Wow, neat. It smells historic.

Marge: For five generations, women in our family have added to it. Now it's your turn.

Lisa: Oh, I don't know how to sew.

Marge: Oh yes, you do, you just don't know it. The memory of a million drop stitches flows in your veins.

Lisa: Very impressive.

Marge: You try it.

Lisa: Owwwww!

Marge: You just need to develop a callous. You see? Now that's a sewing finger, honey.

Lisa: Ew.

Homer: Oh, man, $2.00? I'll take these three.

Man: They're for my daughter.

Homer: Sure. Wise guy. Assassins! Oh, 125 bucks!

Ned: Sometimes you've gotta spoil yourself. Spoil yourself. Spoil yourself.

Homer: But I can't afford to--

Ned: Simpson! I order you to buy those shoes!

Homer: Okay, Flanders, you're the boss! (laughs)

Marge: This one's mine.

Lisa: "Keep On Truckin' "? What does that mean?

Marge: I didn't know then. I don't know now.

Bart: Here's your stupid homework.

Lisa: Ooh! Phonics, functions, vocabulary, remedial reading?

Lisa: Oh, do your own homework, Bart!

Bart: D'oh!

Homer: Here's your magazines. How many of these guys are named Corey?

Lisa: Eight. Thanks, Dad.

Bart: Assassins!

Homer: Yep. Read 'em and weep.

Marge: Those are very elaborate sneakers.

Bart: They better be, for $125.

Homer: D'oh!

Marge: $125!

Homer: Bart!

Bart: Ahhhhh!

Marge: Homer! I thought we agreed to consult before major purchases.

Homer: Well, you bought those smoke alarms, and we haven't had a single fire.

Kent Brockman: A manhunt, or "woman-hunt", is on--

Krusty: You know, yours is the only show I'll do.

Man #1: As an actor, my eyes need to look their whitest--

Man #2: It's a penalty kick--

Homer: Ahhhhhh! (gasps) My shoelace....

Homer: Nooooooooooooooooooo!

Marge: Well, Homer, there seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here.

Bart: School's your answer to everything....

Marge: This one looks very reputable.

Emily Winthrop: What lovely handwriting. Have a toffee. Such a neat dog. Have at them. Well done. If I could borrow... ..."Satan's Little Helper."

Bart: Santa's Little Helper.

Winthrop: Ladies and gentlemen. You already know that with a little love... any puppy will grow up to be a bundle of joy.

Winthrop: Stuff and nonsense taught by charlatans and learned by bloody twits! I'll tell you the most important words you'll ever hear... choke chain. Raise a dog the same as a child, with simple, authoritative commands. Lay down! Followed by immediate correction.

Martin: How can we tell we're doing it right?

Winthrop: The dog's eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude slightly.

Bart: Is my dog dead, ma'am?

Winthrop: You don't know how often I'm asked that. They are always breathing.

Woman: Jack, I think the baby might be yours.

Man: I'm sure it is doll face. But prove it.

Woman: You treat me like garbage.

Man: That's because that's the way you love it, baby.

Lisa: Gee, is it always this good?

Marge: I don't know. I just dip in and out. I'm only watching because Brandy knows the body is hidden in the boathouse.

Marge: That dog!

Lisa: Bad dog! Don't worry, Snowball. Mom, what will we do if the dog doesn't learn anything?

Marge: I don't know.

Woman: Father! I thought you were dead.

Man: I was!

Winthrop: There are two ways for a dog to relieve himself. One, like a friend. The other, like a hose without a fireman. Which way do you think that was?

Bart: Like a hose, you wrinkled queen.

Homer: I decided I don't want the shoes.

Man: What happened here?

Homer: Well, my faithful dog was bringing me my shoes, and they fell apart in his mouth.

Man: I'm sorry, sir. Our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft or acts of dog.

Homer: Big cookie. Aloha.

Woman: Aloha. Want a free sample?

Homer: The price is right. Macamademia nuts.

Woman: If you'd like to buy, they're $1.

Homer: So that's your little plan! Get us addicted, then jack up the price! Well, you win.

Homer: Property... of Homer J. Simpson. Hands off!

Lisa: Mom, I've finished my patch. It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life. Owww! Owwww!

Lisa: On the left is Mr. Largo, my music teacher at school. He taught that the noblest concerto can be drained of its beauty and soul.

Lisa: On the right is Bleeding Gums Murphy. He taught me that music is a fire in your belly that comes out your mouth, so you better stick an instrument in front of it. And look.

Marge: Come on, Homer. I want you to see what your sick little girl did.

Marge and Lisa: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Marge: My quilt! Six generations, ruined!

Homer: Now, Marge, honey... come on, don't get upset. It's not the end of the world.

Homer: We all loved that quilt. But you can't get too attached to-- Ahhhhhhhhhh! My cookie! This is not happening!

Homer: Everybody in the kitchen. We're having a family meeting!

Bart: We never did this before.

Homer: We never had a family member we can give away before.

Marge: Homer, What are you saying?

Homer: I'm saying-- (babbling nonsense)

Bart: No! You can't give my dog away! I'll set fire to my hair, rip my clothes! Homer: Bart!

Lisa: I've suffered at the paws of this dog... but when I look into his vacant eyes, I can't bear to let him go. I'm sure Mom agrees with me.

Marge: No, I'm afraid I agree with your father.

Homer: You do?

Marge: Please. It's not just the quilt. He's nice, but he chews everything. He's not even housebroken. We've spent money on training, with no improvement.

Bart: All right. If he studies hard, passes finals, and becomes a perfect dog... ...can we keep him then?

Homer: No!

Bart and Lisa: Dad!

Lisa: This is our pet. We can question his disposition, but we can't question his heart. Is the way to solve a problem with something you love to throw it away?

Homer: Oh, Lisa, if they're ever going to pull the plug on me. I want you in my corner, horney.

Marge: All right. If he passes, we can keep him.

Lisa: Yeah!

Bart: All right!

Bart: See, boy? It's not so hard. Roll over. Roll over. Like this.

Winthrop: Congratulations, you've earned a toffee.

Bart: Thank you. You moldy old maid.

Marge: Homer, can't we place this ad after the dog fails his test?

Homer: No, we have to commit to it. Now take this down: Free to loving home, world's smartest dog. Says "I love you" on command.

Homer: Type.

Bart: Now, sit! I said, sit! Take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. See? He does exactly what I say.

Homer: Oh no, We'd never give him away, but we're moving, and dogs are forbidden. Hear what? Oh, sure.

Homer: Come here, boy! Put that prowler down and come here! Come on! Say "I love you" for the nice man.

Homer: Good dog! Good doggie! Isn't that amazing? See you soon.

Winthrop: You think your dogs know the "stay" command. Let's see if they can stay away from this beef Wellington. Now, stay. Stay, boy! Stay! Stay!

Man: Well, he'd be happy at my farm. People think only mules can pull carts. Impatient people think that, patient people know better.

Homer: Uh, you can take him tomorrow.

Bart: Miss Winthrop, I was thinking.

Winthrop: Oh, dear.

Bart: Since you get paid either way... would it be a big deal to just let my dog pass?

Winthrop: I see. Rubber stamp, thank you, next in line. Is that it?

Bart: Yeah. Heavens to murgatroid.

Winthrop: Bart! Perhaps I cling to the old ways like a well-chewed shoe... as the traditions I was weaned on are put to sleep, one by one. But my time has not passed yet! We do not need another college graduate who doesn't know how to sit!

Bart: He'll sit! Come on, boy. Sit! (babbling nonsense)

Winthrop: Pull the chain! Correct the dog!

Bart: I don't want to strangle my dog.

Winthrop: Pull the bloody chain, boy!

Bart: I'm sorry. You can't help being dumb.

Marge: What are you doing?

Lisa: Sewing a new quilt. It's one thing to be a link in a chain. It's another to start one of your own.

Marge: This patch commemorates the destruction of the old quilt.

Marge: Well, you certainly captured the moment.

Bart: Come on, boy. Sit! Sit! Sit! Oh, man.

Lisa: Bart, he's not gonna learn it now. Don't spend your last hours together tormenting the poor creature.

Lisa: Have some fun. Frolic with him. Go get it, boy!

Bart: I'm gonna miss you, boy. I thought we'd be pals forever.

Bart: But we have to say goodbye because you don't understand a word I say. If you knew how to learn-- Sit.

Bart: Wait a minute, you did it! (babbling nonsense) Lay down. Shake hands. Stay! Speak! All right! Good boy! Roll over.

Winthrop: You son of a bitch! Good show!

Homer: All right! Yeah!

Credits
Created By

Matt Groening

Developed By

James L. Brooks Matt Groening Sam Simon

Supervising Producers

Al Jean Mike Reiss

Producers

Jay Kogen Wallace Wolodarsky

Co-Producer

George Meyer

Produced By

Richard Sakai Larina Jean Adamson

Written By

Jon Vitti

Directed By

Jim Reardon

Executive Producers

James L. Brooks Matt Groening Sam Simon

Starring

Dan Castellaneta Julie Kavner

Nancy Cartwright Yeardley Smith

And

Harry Shearer

Also Starring

Hank Azaria Pamela Hayden Frank Welker

Special Guest Voice

Tracey Ullman

Executive Consultant

Brad Bird

Executive Story Editor

Jon Vitti

Story Editor

John Swartzwelder Jeff Martin

Animation Produced By

Klasky-Csupo, Inc.

Animation Executive Producer

Gábor Csupó

Animation Producer

Sherry Gunther

Associate Producer

J. Michael Mendel

Visual Consultant

Stephen Lineweaver

Theme By

Danny Elfman

Music By

Alf Clausen

Casting By

Bonita Pietila

Editors

Brian K. Roberts Don Barrozo

Post Production Supervisor

Joseph A. Boucher

Animation Production Manager

Ken Tsumura

Assistants to the Associate Producers

Colin A.B.V. Lewis Micheal McCusker George Niciforos

Production Coordinator

Sarah Werner

Dialogue Sound Editors

Matthew Sawelson Mark McJimsey Brian Roberts

Music Editor

Chris Ledesma

Sound Effects Editor

Travis Powers

Re-Recording Mixers

Jim Fitzpatrick Gary Montgomery Brad Sherman

Production Mixer

Brad Brock

Sound Recordists

Kurt Carpenter Ken Wiley

Script Supervisor

Doris Grau

Post Production Audio Facility

TODD-AO/Glen Glenn Studios

Post Production Facility

Laser-Pacific

Assistant to Mr. Brooks

Patty MacDonald

Assistant to Mr. Simon

Daria Paris

Assistant to Mr. Groening

Julie Steddom Smith

Assistant to Mr. Sakai

Lana Repp Lewis

Assistant to Messrs, Jean and Reiss

Lona Williams

Assistants to the Producers

Peter Kwong Ian Deitchman

Leslie Richter Alison Elliot

Charles Montoya Paul Zerner

Tammy Mandel

Overseas Animation Directors

Mike Girard S.J. Kim

Animation Production Managers

Maria Elena Rodriguez Pamela Kleibrink Thompson

Korean Production Company

Akom Production Company

Supervising Director

David Silverman

Assistant Director

Bob Anderson

Storyboard

JPeter Avanzino Steven Dean Moore David Schwartz

Storyboard Revisions

Ken Harsha

Character Design Supervisor

Dale Hendrickson

Character Design

Scott Alberts Matt Groening

John Rice Sam Simon

Background Design

Alex C. Dilts

Characters Layout Artists

Utit Choomuang Tom Coppola

Adriana Galvez Istvan Majoros

Sarge Morton Edudardo Olivares

Christopher Reccardi Kevin M. Smith

Bob Tyler Paul Wee

J.C. Wegman

Background Layout Artists

John Berman Mark Ervin

Jeff Myers Jerry Richardson

Debbie A. Silver

Animation Timing

Rick Bugental Jeff McGarth Howy Perkins

Lip Sync

Kent Holaday

Main Title Design

David Silverman

Main Title Technical Director

Rick Bugental

Main Title Animation

Tibor Belay Craig Clark

Mark Ervin Steve Fellner

Frederick J. Gardner III Jeffery A. Meyers

Eduardo Olivares Kevin Petrilak

Sondra S. Roy Gregg Vanzo

Kevin Wurzer

Color Design Supervisors

Samantha Harrison Carol Wyatt

Color Design

Paul Fetler Daniel Harris

Gyorgyi Peluce Catherine Simmonds

Teale Wang

Painter

Cookie Tricarico

Assistant Film Editor

Lee Harting

Animation Checking Supervisor

Jackie Banks

Animation Checker

Susan Zsuzsa Lamy

Animation Camera

Colin Campbell Jim Keefer

Laszlo Lakits Karen Shaffer

Wesley Smith

Background Cleanup Supervisor

Kim Taylor

Background Cleanup

Sue Bielenberg Andrew Brandou

Mike Camarillo Lynna Johnson

Jen Kamerman Rick Salonga

Jefferson R. Weekley Doug Yurchey

Production Coordinators

Miles Lewis Horst Julia Kim Eleanor Mills

Production Assistants

Bev Chapman Matt Hamilton

Andy Houts Denise Mitchell

Negative Cutter

D & A Neg Cutting

Telecine

Richard Cassel Unitel Video

The persons in this film are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons or events is unintentional.

The SIMPSONS EPISODE #7F14 COPYRIGHT ©1991 TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX FILM CORPORATION

Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation is the author of this motion picture for purposes of copyright and other laws.

This motion picture is protected under laws of the United States and other countries. Unauthorized duplication, distribution or exhibition may result in civil liability and criminal prosecution. The Simpsons and the Simpsons characters, TM Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation.

I.A.T.S.E. N.A.B.

Executive in Charge of Production for Gracie Films

Michael Stanislavsky

Creative Supervisor

Sam Simon

Executive Creative Consultant

James L. Brooks

GRACIE FILMS

IN ASSOCIATION WITH

20th TELEVISION