Ruthless People

The following is a transcript for the episode "Ruthless People".

Script
[The episode starts with the Loud siblings playing football in the hallway.]

Lynn: "33, 89, 52, Hike!" [Lily throws the ball to Lynn from behind.] "Loud looks for a reciever, but no one's open! And there she goes!" [hops past her siblings] "The quarterback sneak!"

Lola: "Get her!"

''[Lynn runs into Lincoln's room offscreen and crashes through the wall, landing in the basket. The siblings gasp in shock to see a Lynn-shaped hole in the wall.]''

Lori: [worried] "Lynn? Are you okay?"

Lynn: "Yes! That’s still a TD, people!"

Lori: [to her siblings] "Yeah. She’s fine."

[Rita and Lynn Sr. are looking over the damage.]

Lynn Sr.: "Oh, what the heck did you do, LJ?"

Lynn: "Sorry, Dad. Sorry, Mom. I've been getting pretty ripped lately." [kisses her biceps]

Lana: [notices something] "I don't think that's why the wall broke." [rips off a piece to reveal a bunch of termites crawling around the inside of the wall.] "Look."

Rita: "Dang it. Termites. We're gonna have to call an exterminator."

Lana: "What? You can't! Look how cute these little guys are." ''[holds them up for the parents to see. Lynn Sr. screams and passes out.]''

Rita: [sighs] "Lana, shoe." ''[Lana gives Rita her shoe. She winces in disgust by the foul stench.]'' "Sorry, honey, but we can't let the termites eat our whole house." [holds the shoe above Lynn Sr.'s nose]

Lynn Sr.: [sniffs it; comes to] "Daaaaah, termites!"

Lana: "They're just a few little bugs. How much damage can they really do? It's not fair!" ''[stomps her foot, only for it to break through the floor. She lifts it up to find more termites crawling on her shoe. The family look through the hole in shock.]''

''[The living room. Family meeting.]''

Lynn Sr.: "Okay, we obviously can't stay here. So, we called around to see if anyone can take all 13 of us. Once we've had enough of the laughter, your mother came up with a new plan."

Rita: "Half of us will be staying with Pop-Pop at Sunset Canyon..."

Siblings: [excited] "Ooooooh!"

Rita: "...And half of us will be staying with Aunt Ruth."

Siblings: [disappointed] "Awwwwwwww."

Lynn: [touches her nose] "Dibs on Pop-Pop's."

Siblings: "Dibs!" [They start going into an argument.]

Rita: [stern] "Kids! No one's calling dibs."

Lori: "Mom, I can't go to Aunt Ruth's. Last time, I literally got botulism from expired yogurt."

Lisa: "Yeah, I'm out too. Her water contains unsafe levels of chromium six."

Lucy: "I also must decline. Her cats hate me. Even the black ones."

Rita: "Come on, guys, let's have a good attitude about this. Aunt Ruth is doing us a huge favor and she's family."

Lynn Sr.: "You know what?" [pulls out a baseball cap, identical to Lana's, and small slips of paper.] "We'll draw names from a hat. That's the only fair way."

''[Cut to later. The kids have pulled out their slips from the hat and are separated into two groups.]''

Rita: "Okay then, it's settled. Lily, Leni, Luan, Lucy, Lana, and Lisa will be staying with Pop-Pop."

[Leni, Luan, Lucy, Lana, Lisa, and Lily cheer in excitement.]

Rita: "And Lincoln, Lori, Lola, Lynn, and Luna will be staying at Aunt Ruth's."

''[Lincoln, Lori, Luna, Lynn, and Lola groan. Lynn punches the top part of the newel off and it bursts out with more termites. Lincoln quickly puts it back on.]''

Lynn Sr.: "Guys, don't be like that. You can make the best of any situation." [smiles confidently]

Rita: [slyly] "Honey, you didn't draw a name yet."

Lynn Sr.: [laughs nervously and pulls out his slip of paper while looking away, showing he got Aunt Ruth.] "D'oh, Aunt Ruth?! Dang it! This is so unfair!" [crosses his arms and pouts]

[Later, Lincoln is patching up his wall to cover the hole.]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Those other guys might be stuck at Aunt Ruth's, but Lincoln Loud doesn't roll that way. There's one member of Team Pop-Pop who might be willing to switch with me. I just gotta spin it the right way."

''[Lola and Lana's room. Lana is having a little party with some of termites under her bed. Lincoln enters.]''

Lincoln: "Hey, Lans, you got a sec?"

Lana: [quickly hides them then realizes who it is.] "Ugh, it's just you. I thought you were Mom. Don't tell her but I'm throwing the termites one last party." [reveals them] "I think they deserve that." [to the termites] "Now, Chewy, share that cookie with Chompy."

Lincoln: "Hey, I was thinking, maybe you'd like to switch teams with me, so you can go to Aunt Ruth's"

Lana: "Pssh, why would I want to do that?"

Lincoln: "Eh, maybe it was a bad idea. I just thought you might enjoy scooping all that cat litter and eating all that expired food. Plus, I heard she's got some fresh boils that need popping." [Lana grows surprised] 'But yeah, probably not your thing." [leaves]

Lana: [stops him] "Wait! How many boils?"

''[Lincoln smiles slyly to the viewers. Cut to Lincoln's room, where Lincoln is in his swim trunks and wearing sunglasses. He moonwalks and twirls to his suitcase as he puts his floaties inside. He closes it but realizes it's not closed all the way. He jumps on top if it and manages to close it.]''

Lincoln: "Pool party, here I come." ''[hops off his bed, grabs his suitcase and prepares to leave. Just then, Lola enters.]''

Lola: "Lincoln, will you help me pack? My nails are wet." [sees the suitcase and gasps] "Wait a minute. Why are you in your swimming trunks?" [kicks his suitcase open] "And bringing pool floats. Aunt Ruth doesn't have a pool."

Lincoln: "No. But Pop-Pop does, and that's where I'm staying."

Lola: [her eye twitches] "Excuse me?!"

Lincoln: "I switched spots with Lana." [puts his pool floats back in his suitcase.] "It's not a big deal. You don't have to-"

Lola: "You guys! Lincoln got out of going to Aunt Ruth's!!"

Lincoln: "...tell everyone."

[The rest of the family, who are not going to Aunt Ruth's, pop in.]

Lynn Sr.: "What?"

Lori: "How?"

Lola: "He made a 'deal' with Lana."

Lynn: "Oooooh, you little sneak!" [kicks his suitcase open]

Lincoln: "Gah!" [sighs] "Hey, you guys could've done the same thing. All you have to do is convince someone to swap with you."

''[They look at each other and smile slyly to that idea. Cut to Lori and Leni in their room.]''

Lori: "So, if you switch with me, I'll literally give you everything you want from my side of the closet."

Leni: "Really?" [pulls out a pair of shorts] "Even your acid-washed Bermuda shorts?"

Lori: [grows shocked but holds back; through gritted teeth.] "Those were a gift from Bobby, but...sure." [Leni beams]

[Cut to Lola and Lisa at her and Lily's room.]

Lola: "Lisa, if you switch with me, I'll give you all my desserts for a month."

Lisa: "Hmm, tempting, but, I prefer cash. Just lost out on some grant money."

Lola: "Understood." [pulls out a wad of bills and gives some to Lisa.]

[Cut to Lynn and Lucy in their room.]

Lucy: "Okay. But only if you promise to be a cadaver for my practice funerals."

Lynn: "Open casket?"

Lucy: "Deal." [they shake hands]

[Cut to Luna and Luan in their room.]

Luan: "So, if I switch with you, you'll let me saw you in half for my magic show?" [Luna nods]

[Cut to Rita and Lynn Sr. in their room.]

Lynn Sr.: "Think about it, honey. I'm offering 100 Lily diaper changes, including... [takes a breather] ...blowouts."

Rita: "Huh. Tell you what, throw in potty training and teaching her to drive and you've got yourself a deal." ''[offers her hand. Lynn Sr. thinks about this for a second but finally shakes her hand.]''

''[Cut to Aunt Ruth's house. Leni, holding Lily, Luan, Lucy, Lana, and Lisa are outside with their luggage.]''

Rita: [getting the last of her luggage] "You guys want to come in and see Aunt Ruth before you take off?" [sees that the rest of the family is already driving off and are cheering.]

Lynn Sr.: "We so win!"

Rita: [deadpanned] "Okay, I'll tell her you said 'hi'."

''[Cut to Sunset Canyon Retirement Home. The family comes in.]''

Pop-Pop: "Ha, ha. There's my family." [gives them a hug]

Lynn: [breaks free] "No time for small talk, Pop-Pop. I gotta hit the pool." [heads to the pool] "Jackknife!"

Pop-Pop: [stops her] "Ooooh, sorry, kiddo. Pool's closed. Seymour's noodle jammed up a filter."

Lincoln: "Uh, no problem. We'll just play shuffleboard."

Pop-Pop: "Whoa, can't do that either. They shut down the court, some... [shows the crime scene of the shuffleboard incident.] ...geese attacked Ms. Radley and now it's a crime scene."

Lola: "Don't tell me the pudding machine's out, too?"

Pop-Pop: "Nope, that's working. And we just got a new flavor: butterscotch."

Lola: "Out of my way!" ''[runs past Pop-Pop. She opens the doors to the room where the pudding machine is and sees Scoots stealing all the pudding.]''

Scoots: [notices] "You saw nothing." [laughs manicially and escapes with the pudding.]

''[Lola pushes a chair up to the pudding machine and presses the button to find that there is no pudding left. She growls in anger, takes some old man's cane, which the old man falls over, and starts whacking the machine with it out of fury.]''

Pop-Pop: [steps in] "Easy there, slugger. If you're hungry, we could eat dinner. They start serving at 3." [Lola smiles at this]

[Later, the family and Pop-Pop are eating dinner in the dining room.]

Lincoln: [disgusted] "Ugh, what's this purple stuff?"

Pop-Pop: "I think it's beets, or steak. The fun part's guessing."

''[Lincoln looks at it and tastes it. He immediately spits it out and it lands on Lori's plate.]''

Lori: "Ugh, well, I'm literally done." [pushes her food away]

Lynn Sr.: "Al, is there salt somewhere? Just need to add a little...zest."

Pop-Pop: "Oh, we haven't had salt since the high blood pressure epidemic of 2013."

Lynn Sr.: "Ah, no worries. A chef is always prepared." ''[takes out a salt packet. An orderly notices this.]''

Orderly: "No salt on the premises!" [attacks Lynn Sr.]

[Later, Pop-Pop is showing the family to their room.]

Pop-Pop: "Here we are." [opens the door] "Bernie said you can stay in his room while he's visiting his lady friend in Boca."

Lincoln: "Sweet. Okay, what should we do next? Play a game? Watch a movie?"

Pop-Pop: "I love that spunk, kiddo. But, it's almost lights out."

Lincoln: "But it's only 6:00."

Pop-Pop: "That late? No wonder I'm bushed." [starts to leave the room]

Lola: "Can I at least get a glass of milk?"

Pop-Pop: "Sorry, honey. No liquids allowed before bed. Nighty-night." [closes the door]

''[The family looks beat. The scene fade transitions to them trying to get some sleep.]''

Luna: "Dudes, what's up with the temp in here?"

Lynn Sr.: "Let me check the AC." [tries to work the AC but it ends up breaking.] "Great. The ding dang thing's busted."

[The siblings groan as the heat gets to them.]

Lynn Sr.: "Well, at least we're not at Aunt Ruth's." [takes out his phone] "Speaking of which, maybe we should check in with the rest of the family."

Lola: "Oooh, yes! Hearing how miserable they are would make me feel better."

[Cuts to a close up of Leni as she gets a call on her phone.]

Leni: "Hey, Dad."

[Cue split screen]

Lynn Sr.: "Hey, sweetie. So, how are things going over there?"

Leni: "O.M. Gosh. So great. We're all loving the lake house."

Lynn Sr.: "Uh, the what house now?"

''[It is revealed that the others are at Aunt Ruth's lake house having a great time. Lisa is relaxing in a hammock, Luan jumps in the lake, Rita is with Lily, who is in a tube, Lana catches a huge turtle, and Aunt Ruth is seen relaxing in a chair.]''

Leni: "Yeah. Aunt Ruth didn't want us to stay at her place. We stress out her cats."

Lynn: "Since when does Aunt Ruth have a lake house?!"

Leni: "She just got a time-share. It's a four-bed, two-bath with tons of natural light, private dock, and central AC."

Lynn Sr.: [through gritted teeth] "That is so, haha, great. Uh... [imitates a fax machine] ...Aah, there's a fax coming in, gotta go." [hangs up] "Are you joking me right now?!"

Lola: "They get a lake house and we're stuck in this sweat box with no pudding?!!"

Lori: "Ugh. Let's just go to bed, you guys. At least we know things can't get any worse."

[Right then, Lynn farts on cue, much to everyone's disgust.]

Lynn: "Sorry. It was definitely the beet-steak."

Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Those guys might be stuck here. But as I stated earlier, Lincoln Loud does not roll that way." [smells the foul odor; coughs] "That is ripe."

[The next day, Lincoln is on the phone with Lisa with an old man in a wheelchair.]

Lincoln: "Hey, Lis. You wouldn't believe it. There's a 118 year old man here."

Lisa: [gasps] "A super centenarian? I've always wanted to study one of those."

Lincoln: [gives a thumbs up to the old man, who slowly gives a thumbs up back.] "Oh, really? Well, I guess I can swap places with you."

Lisa: "Throw in a pint of your plasma, and we might be talking."

[Cut to the room where Lincoln is packing his things.]

Lola: "You're going to the lake house? No fair!"

Lincoln: "Hey, instead of getting mad at me, why don't you guys do something to better your own situations?"

Lynn: "Oh, like giving you a mega wedgie?!"

Lynn Sr.: "Easy, LJ. Lincoln may have a point."

[And so...]

Lola: [on the phone with Leni] "I am telling you, Leni. Seymour's grandson is a total hunk."

Lori: [on the phone with Lana] "Yeah, Lans. The pool guy said he's never seen a plumbing crisis like this before."

Lynn: [on the phone with Lucy] "Luce, you know that psychic you used to watch on TV? She's a resident here."

Luna: [on the phone with Luan] "Luan, check it out, the TV in the rec room is busted. And the oldies are jonesing for some laughs."

Lynn Sr.: [on the phone with Rita] "You know, Rita, there's so many great life stories here. It could be a real gold mine for a writer as talented as you. I love you."

Leni: "I'll switch. If you throw in your hair crimper."

Lana: "Okay, but I also want five rides to the dump. No blackout dates."

Lucy: 'My bats get your side of the closet."

Luan: "If you agree to detangle all my clown wigs."

Rita: "Okay. But you have to go to the next 20 parent-teacher conferences. Lola's included."

Lynn Sr., Rita, Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lana, Lola: "Deal!"

''[Cut to the lake house. Lincoln, Lori, Luna, Lynn, Lola, and Lynn Sr. step inside.]''

Lori: "Ah, this place is literally paradise."

Lynn: "Heck yeah! I say we celebrate with some Loud family football." [tosses Lincoln her football.] "Watch out." [jumps over Lola and takes the football.] "Looks like star QB Lynn Loud is going for the TD!" [crashes into the wall offscreen once again and lands in the lake.]

Lynn Sr.: "LJ, you okay?"

Lynn: [rises back up] "That's still a TD!" [swims back]

Lynn Sr.: [to his kids] "Yeah. She's fine."

Lincoln: "But the wall isn't. Look."

[The family grows shocked to see termites crawling around the inside of the wall.]

Lori: [gasps] "Termites? This house has them too?"

Lincoln: "I think these are the same ones." [reaches in and pulls out a familiar-looking disco ball.] "I recognize this disco ball. Lana must've brought them here to save them from being fumigated."

Luna: "Where are we supposed to go now?"

''[Cuts to Aunt Ruth's house. Aunt Ruth is outside watering her lawn with a hose while the family are inside with the cats having the worst time.]''

Lynn: "This majorly bites." [gets scratched by a cat] "Ow, ow, ow."

Lynn Sr.: "Well, Aunt Ruth's isn't the greatest. But, I'm sure the others aren't having much fun at Sunset Canyon."

Lola: [gasps] "Let's call them. It'll cheer me up to know they're suffering too."

[Cuts to a close up of Leni once again as she gets a call from her phone.]

Leni: "Hey, Dad."

[Cue split screen once again.]

Lynn Sr.: "Hey, sweetie. How are you guys doing over there? Surviving the heat."

Leni: "Actually, the boat is pretty cool."

Lynn Sr.: "I'm sorr- The what now?"

''[It is revealed that the others are on a cruise ship. Rita, Lisa, and Pop-Pop are sunbathing, Lucy is reading a book, Lana is having some burgers, and Lily is in the kiddie pool.]''

Leni: "Oh, yeah. They couldn't fix the AC at Sunset Canyon, so they rented out a cruise ship for all the residents." ''[The others are ticked off at this. She hears some music playing.]'' "Ooh, goody. The limbo contest is starting." [puts her phone down]

[They groan in misery as the cruise ship horn honks.]