I Am Needed Upstairs


 * Edward: Steve, you and your wife are wonderful hosts. I'm being sincere.


 * Steve: You know, Julie, I don't think you ever got a tour of the house.


 * Julie: You're right.


 * Steve: Well, come on.


 * [Steve and Julie go upstairs giggling]


 * Edward: More apple pie for us, huh?


 * Steve's wife: Oh, you. [Doorbell rings] Who could that be?


 * [She opens the door]


 * Fanfare: [singing] Trojan Man!


 * Trojan Man: [on horseback] Excuse me, madam, but I am needed upstairs!


 * Steve's wife: Steve!


 * [Trojan Man rides upstairs, with Edward and Steve's wife following. The following dialogue is unseen]


 * Fanfare: Trojan Man!


 * Steve: Keep it down.


 * Steve's wife: I knew you acted weird around Julie, you bastard!


 * Trojan Man: Put this on your penis.


 * Steve: Get off! Get off me! Get off me!


 * Edward: Julie, how could you?!


 * Julie: My clothes just fell off.


 * Trojan Man: Her vagina will appreciate your forethought!


 * Edward: Will you shut the f-k up already?! Shut up!


 * Steve's wife: I am leaving you!


 * Fanfare: Trojan Man!


 * Edward: Hey, watch the horse! That was my grandma's– [Crash] Oh, no, you broke it!


 * Trojan Man: That would never happen to a Trojan condom.


 * Fanfare: Trojan Man!


 * Edward: [crying] You said my problem didn't bother you.


 * Julie: It doesn't. I mean, Edward, this doesn't change anything.


 * Edward: It changes everything!


 * Trojan Man: A reservoir tip is for your semen!


 * Julie: I got to get out of here.


 * [Julie leaves the house, with Edward following her]


 * Edward: You're a whore! You ruined my life, you whore!


 * [Long pause]


 * Trojan Man: I guess I'd better go.


 * Fanfare: Trojan Man!


 * Steve: [as Trojan Man rides out] Yeah, why don't you just get the f-k outta here? How about that?


 * Fanfare: Trojan Man!


 * Trojan Man: [leaving a box of condoms] Just in case.


 * Announcer: For when you wanna f-k! Yeah!