Moe Baby Blues

CHORUS [SINGS]: The Simpsons Moe Baby Blues D'oh! Ah! HOMER: Mm. [LAUGHS] Does anyone else wanna know why that sign is so funny? ALL: No. Come on. We're gonna be late to the blooming of the Sumatran Century Flower. How come Lisa always gets to pick the family activities? Because I know every time you say pick a number from one to 10 it's always seven. That's because there were seven apostles. No, there were 12. Boy, that's a big staff. And still he wasrt that funny. [BUZZING] "The Venus flytrap is a carnivorous plant which uses bait to lure unsuspecting prey into its digestive tract. " [CHUCKLES] Stupid prey. They never suspect anything Ooh, a hotdog. [HOMER GRUNTING] Flower power my ass. [MOE SIGHS] That's odd. It's 11:15 in the morning and the bar is empty. I'm live at the Springfield Botanical Gardens. We're minutes from the blossoming of the Sumatran Century Flower which occurs every 100 years. MOE: Hey, those are my customers-slash-only friends. Where are they getting their beer? CARL: Yeah. - A cooler? I've been replaced by a cooler? And who can blame them? Ugh. Ah, no point in moping around. I might as well join them and have a jolly old time. Ha. Oh, better set the alarm. [COCKS] [MOE PANTING] [MOE SIGHS] Here I am, one of the crowd. I'm comfortable, I'm calm. Anybody looks at me, I got a hypodermic full of bleach. Uh, people, we are officially over capacity. [CROWD CHATTERING] We gotta kick one person out. Someone who's alone, already bitter someone who's been trampled on so many times one more won't make any Oh, Moe. [SIGHS] Yeah, that's me, all right. Sorry, Moe. Either walk out with dignity or I push you down this muddy hill. I'd prefer that you push me seeing how I'm desperate for any human contact. - All right. - Thanks a lot. [MOE GRUNTING] Ah! The flower's starting to open. [CROWD CHATTERING] Everyone, flare your nostrils in olfactory anticipation. [ALL GROANING] Oh, man. The plant cut one. Bart, plants don't Whew! Ay-ay-ay! [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] Un! That smells worse than James Coco's ski boots. Oh, yeah. That's mildly better. [BUZZING] [ALL SCREAMING] Listen to those lucky people enjoying that pretty flower. I got nothing. Just this can. Ha. At least there's someone worse off than me. [WOMAN GIGGLES] [SIGHS] [SCREAMING] [GRUNTS] So long, suckers. D'oh! [HORNS HONKING] Well, at least we're outside instead of sitting at home watching TV. I hear that. Hey, that car has a TV in it. MAN [ON TV]: We now return to The Beverly Hillbillies Down Under. Hey, Granny. I'm gonna be a professional didgeridoo player. - Well, now it's a didgeri-don't. - Oh, Granny. - Can you put on the baseball game? - My kids are watching a movie. Oh, come on. Help a brother out. Oh, why don't you call my secretary and make an appointment, brother? A dream deferred is a dream denied. [SNORING] - Dad, the traffic's moving. - Huh? Whoo-hoo! Pedal to the metal. [SCREECHING] [SCREAMS] [ALL GASP] - My baby! - Your baby! [GRUNTING] No! Well, this is it. The last call for Moe. [SOBBING] Ah, God. Wha? Moe, thank God you saved my baby. That hideous man is a hero. [ALL CHEER] Ha. Life don't seem so hard no more. Maggie's in the paper with Moe. How cute. Ah! Look at those pants. They're standing up with no one in them. [DOOR BELL RINGS] Hey, I was in the neighborhood and, uh, thought I'd, you know, check in on Maggie. Moe, I'm glad you're here. I wanted to thank you so much for saving my baby. So I knitted you a nice warm sweater. Oh, look at that. That's so soft and thoughtful and What's the gag? Is it full of chiggers? No, no. All that's in there is love and gratitude. Aw, jeez, there's something in my eye. Oh, it's just some glass. So how's the little tyke doing? [COOING] [CHUCKLES] Ain't she adorable? [HORN HONKING] Oh, my God, I'm late for work. How you got in my carpool, I'll never know. The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming! Oh, Lord, why do they keep changing his medication? Look at me, I'm Speedy Alka Seltzer. Whoa! Moe, I gotta handle this. Can you keep an eye on Maggie? Me? Uh, yeah. Sure. If you don't think I'd spook her or nothing. No, you'll be fine. - I'll be right back. GRAMPA: They got lingonberries. So how's it going? Ha. Hey, you wanna see me, uh, dislocate my arm? Here, take a look at this. Un! [GIGGLES] It was years before I could do this without fainting. [CHUCKLES] Still hurts. Grampa, stop! Sayonara, Tojo. La, la, la, la, la. Oh, Lord. Hey, Mag. Raggedy Andy over there has been giving you the button eye. I'll get rid of him. All right, come on. Out you go. Huh. I finally caught up with Grampa. I found him crying in the cemetery. Thanks for taking care of Maggie. Oh, no problem. You know, it gave me kind of a good, warm feeling like when you get drunk and fall asleep in snow. Mm-hm. Yeah, well, I better go. There, there, Mags. I'll be back sometime. [CRIES] Wow. She really likes you. Maybe the next time I need a sitter and you're not busy I'd love to. Uh, uh, let me just check my schedule here. I was gonna erase those apostrophes and replace them with G's. But that's about it. So, you know, call anytime. [CRYING] Why's she crying? Oh, that's right. I still got her nose. Here you go, you little idiot. [GIGGLES] Ball pit. That's nice. One, two, three colors. You got them all. Oh, what a face. She looks just like you. You calling her repellent? Well, no, I was just You ain't Karen Allen yourself, you know? You idiot, I was trying to pick you up. Oh, great. Uh, well, why don't you play with the baby while I go rent a room? [GROANS] Boy, that's one for the Christmas letter. What a nut. [QUEEN'S "YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND" PLAYING] Ooo, you make me live You're the best friend [NELSON LAUGHS] That I ever had [MOE GRUNTING] I've been with you such a long time You're my sunshine LISA & HOMER: Ah. Way to go, Mom. Homemade dim sum with eight kinds of dipping sauce. This is the best Year of the Rat ever. Well, I have so much free time now that Moe's our babysitter. Yeah, it's great that Maggie's got a father figure in her life. She - Hey, wait. That's supposed to be me. - You could be my father figure. No way. I'm not getting my fingerprints on that train wreck. But if I lose Maggie, I'm 0 for 3. I've gotta get her back. - I can help you. - I said pipe down, Amtrak. Maggie, look what's in your ear. A penny. Okay, we won't tell no one about that. Now let's see. What else can we do? We can't tickle Elmo no more. Coochie, coochie coo! ELMO DOLL: No means no for Elmo. Ow! And this Slinky, these things are fun for about two seconds. Yeah, that's it. Slink away. Hmm. "Alice in Wonderland," huh? Ah, this must be a takeoff on that Alice in Underpants movie I saw. Ha. It's nice to be with someone who can't understand the horrible things I say. White rabbit, chicks popping mushrooms? This is like the Playboy Mansion. Uh, maybe I can think of a story, uh, more suitable for a baby. Oh, I got one. It starts out with a beautiful wedding. But the father of the bride was nowhere to be seen. He was granting favors to all of his bestest buddies. We could scare that movie producer by putting a horse's blanket in his bed. Imagine waking up and seeing you got the wrong blanket. Uh, how about a horse's head? Oh, you see here? That's why you're the Godfather. And the Godfather's playing with his grandson, see? So he sticks an orange in his mouth like this. [GROWLS] [GIGGLES] Okay, and now it's intermission. [GROANS] Give me a break, will you? It's a frigging saga. Don Barzini gets whacked. Tessio. Ho, ho, you won't see him no more. Moe Greene, bam, he gets it right in the eye. And Michael is now the new Godfather. [SIGHS] And he shuts the door on Annie Hall. [CRYING] [WHIMPERING] Oh, no. No, baby. No, no. Uh, uh Okay, part two. Little Anthony is having his first communion at Lake Tahoe. Meanwhile, Michael can't get a gaming license. But Senator Geary's got one weakness, call girls. [GIGGLES] That's right. This party's boring. Everything here is for babies. I'm helping Daddy. Lisa, it says, "One year and up. " Oh, there she is, the birthday girl. Oh, your mommy tied a bow for you, huh? Well, I'd better retie it, the way you like it. [MAGGIE COOS AND MARGE GROANS] I know it don't seem like it matters, but she hates looking like crap. Uh-huh. Hey, hey, hey, OshKosh B'gosh, she don't want what you're shoveling. Mr. Moe, my son was only playing next to this girl who is not your daughter. Yeah, sure he was, Nahasapasa-I'm-Raising-A-Pervert. Back off, Moe. Maggie wants to be with me. [GRUNTING] This is how we play. [SINGING] The squirmy wormy spider Squirts out of Daddy's hands Daddy feels rejected He's gonna eat some cake Oh, a rattle. Thank you, Selma. Yeah, great present, Selma. Nice of you to break a five. Ah, get a neck, Frankenstein. Hey, open my present. Open my present. Ha, it's Uncle Moe's play tavern, with classic drunk Barney. Even the toilet is broken. I don't know if toy drunkards are an appropriate gift for a baby. Sure, they are. They even talk. Look. HOMER: I peed my pants. I recorded that for private use. [MAGGIE CRYING OVER MONITOR] - Your turn. - No, it's your turn. MOE: I got it. It's okay. Moe? What are you doing here? Maggie was crying. I heard her on my baby monitor. You have your own baby monitor in our child's room? Yeah, I had to. It's so weird watching the video and not getting any sound. That's it, Moe. This is too weird. You are not allowed to see Maggie anymore. Well, can I at least give her this mobile? [MOBILE PLAYS "YANKEE DOODLE"] - Huh? Huh? - Get your own family, Moe. Hey, you never cared about Maggie till I started paying attention to her. Last night at the bar, you called her Raquel. - Get out. - Is that, uh, "get out" like "leave"? Or "get out" as in, "Get out, you banged Bridget Fonda?" Get out. Get out. That Okay. Un. Maybe I can catch a late show of Alice in Underpants or maybe Put 'Em On The Looking Glass. Boy, I'm like a mess here. I feel so Ionely without that kid. You still got us, Moe. You guys mind if I, uh, kiss your tummies? BARNEY & LENNY: Oh. CARL: Hmm. [SIGHS] Here comes the airplane. [MOE MAKES WHIRRING SOUND] All gone. [SINGING] Toys and kicks And pets and brotherhood [SOBS] It's our song. Now there'll be no more trouble from that meddlesome bartender. Yeah. You know, looking at this sweet, precious child makes me wanna have one of our own. TONY: Tonight, I want you boys to take out the Castellaneta family. Uh, I don't know, boss. My passion for whacking is waning. Perhaps this will cheer you up. [GROWLS] [COOS] [ALL CHUCKLE] Oh, that's better. I could whack my own mother now. I'm glad you brought that up. Kill my mother? She makes such good pasta sauce. - It comes from a can. - She's a corpse. [HUMMING] MARGE: Huh? [SCREAMS] What are you screaming about? Did you discover my snake farm? Because I can explain. I'm going to farm and sell snakes. Maggie's gone. Ah! It must've been Moe. He's got your kid. But don't worry. Everything is gonna be okay. [BOTH SCREAM] Scum, freezebag. [MOE GASPS AND WIGGUM CHUCKLES] I mean, freeze, scumbag. You can't write stuff like that. See, that's why sitcoms are dying. [GRUNTING] Chief, it's just a ham. - Oh, thank goodness. - Oh. Well, boys. Looks like we solved the case of the missing ham. Let's go. No, we have to find my baby. Oh, Maggie's missing? You gotta let me help find her, please. We have a special bond. Greater than her bond with the duck-shaped washcloth. Okay, you can help us. Well, I think we know when we're not needed. You guys are the world's worst cops. No. Now that I'm off duty, I'm the world's worst soccer coach. Ha. [DOGS BARKING] Wow, Maggie crawled through these bushes spit up over here and crashed her tricycle into the wall. Uh, no, that was me. Here's a clue. A discarded orange wedge. Orange wedge? [GROWLING] Marge, do mobsters ever congregate outside your house? All the time. Sometimes I bring them lemonade. Listen. We might have to make a trip to Little Italy. I'll get our little passports. So you see, you have no choice but to sell out to me. Oops. Clumsy me. I will consider your proposal in the restroom as I tidy up. Boys? [IN UNISON] Oops. Clumsy us. We must all go to the restroom too. Those fellas should really consider sippy cups. Look, boss. It's a baby. Oh, a bambino. Or is it a bambina? I no speak any language so good. We have considered your proposal. And our answer is no. Boss, they hid guns in the mers room. Oh, clumsy me. I dropped my fork. Boys, help me pick it up. [GUNS COCK] Now, hold on here. I'm president of the Italian-American Anti-Defamation League. And this really burns my cannoli. [GASPS] Maggie's right in the middle of that Italian-American-Mexican standoff. - Oh, my God, I gotta save her. - No. You got a family. I'm the guy with nothing and no one. No, no. Don't try to stop me. We're not. Your sleeve got caught on that tree. Here, let me unook you. - Off you go. - Yeah, thanks. [GUNS COCKING] Gee, ha. This is the second most guns ever pointed at me. A couple of weeks ago, I wouldn't have minded if you shot me. But all that's changed because of this little girl here. Look at her. Ain't she a doll? [ALL SOBBING] I ain't cried like this since I paid to see Godfather III. Here's your baby back. Thanks, Moe. I'm sorry we thought you were a baby-napper. Or worse. Am I right? Uh, hey, hey, the important thing is little Maggie is safe. [SIGHS] Well, uh, I gotta get home. Uh, there might be a telemarketer calling or something. Um I'll see you when you're old enough to drink, okay, Magpie? Oh, great. I'm caught in another tree. Lousy, shirt-grabbing, sap-dripping Wha? I don't think Maggie wants you out of her life, Moe. Moe, I was thinking, if Maggie and I were in the neighborhood maybe we could drop by and have a playdate with you and your ham. We'd like that, Homer. [QUEEN'S "YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND" PLAYING] Ooo, you make me live Whatever this world can give to me It's you, you're all I see Ooo, you make me live now honey Ooo, you make me live WOMAN: Shh.