A House Divided (Last Man Standing)

(Both giggling)

I can't believe I've never noted this incredibly beautiful freckle on your nose.

Ugh!

It's just one more part of you for me to love.

(Laughs) Hello, freckle.

I love you!

Ugh.

Wait a minute.

Now I guess you love that freckle more than me?

Maybe. What are you gonna do about it?

Mm, I don't know. Maybe I'll just kiss you.

Oh, not if I kiss you first.

Not if I kiss you first.

All right, you know what? I have to leave.

Why don't you just let me know who wins?

Oh, hey, honey. Oh, hey.

(Sighs) What's going on?

Mm. Hey.

Oh, thanks. I needed that.

Why?

Mandy and Kyle are driving me crazy with their hugsy, cutesy, snuggly...

Ah.

I think the word you're looking for is...

(Gags)

I mean, I realize they're newlyweds, but come on!

I mean, Kyle is in there talking to one of her freckles.

Well, it's almost like talking to Mandy.

And I know they're living here to save money for a house, but I am about ready to just give them this one.

Hey, we can get them out of the house.

Yeah?

They're both afraid of ghosts, right?

We got plenty of sheets upstairs in the linen closet.

Easy fix.

Whoo!

Don't mind me. Just grabbing a drink for my husband.

Will I ever get tired of saying that?

No, I'll just have some of yours.

It'll be so much sweeter once your lips have touched it.

(Gags)

I bet you wish you could drink everything from my lips.

I bet you're gonna win that bet.

(Laughs)

That is every minute of every day.

All right, all right, all right.

We got to fix this.

Yeah.

I'll get rid of the liquids, you put on a sheet.

What?

(Both giggling)

Uh-oh. You better run.

Can't stop the change, becoming Tickle-Bot.

(Screams, laughs)

Oh, great.

They've stepped up their game.

Aah! Somebody help me! It's Tickle-Bot!

(Laughs)

They know we're watching, and yet they don't stop.

It's like being at the zoo!

Hey, chimps, chimps!

Chimps!

Oh, uh, sorry, Mr. and Mrs. B.

Tickle-Bot is programmed for one thing only.

(Robotic voice) Tickling?

(Robotic voice) I see we have met before.

(Normal voice) Ow! That hurts.

(Normal voice) Yeah, it's the on and off switch.

Now you're off, Tickle-Bot.

Um, we are kind of in the middle of something.

Well, welcome to the end of something.

All right, you know, g-get off him for a minute.

What? Just get off.

What? Off the chair, off of him.

I am!

Look, we... we can't help but notice that you two are a lot more affectionate lately, which is, um... Disgusting.

Truly disgusting.

We're... No, we're married now.

It's legal. Yeah.

Slaughtering hogs is legal.

You want to see that in the living room?

You... You didn't behave like this before.

Yeah, 'cause we were dating, and we knew that you'd disapprove.

But now we're married, so sorry my husband loves me.

(Chuckles)

And I do love her.

I-I just want to make her happy.

Oh, you do make me happy, Turtle.

So, so happy.

Turtle kiss! Okay!

Okay, guys, guys, guys, stop it!

I'll flip you on your back! You'll never get up!

Look, I just want you to remember that there are other people...

Right... in this house who don't want to watch all this.

What?

I don't believe this! You guys are both such...

(Clears throat)

What's the word for someone who tells you to not do something even though they do it all the time?

Are you looking for the word "hypocrite"?

Female voice: Here are the directions to Mile High Stadium.

Fine! Fine! The word you just said.

I've been watching you two grope each other my entire life.

We don't grope! No! We don't grope each other!

Come on.

Your father and I are just affectionate.

Seriously? You guys, like, maul each other all the time.

Yeah, it's great.

Before I met you, I-I thought married people just threw stuff at each other.

And gave their kids money to lie to the judge.

No, babe, it's not great. It's gross.

I mean, it's one thing when young, attractive people like us do it.

But, you know, when old people do it...

In commercials, they don't even put them in the same bathtub.

This isn't about us.

It's about you two, and... and you just got to learn to tone it down a little bit. Yeah.

Fine. Well, if we have to cool it, so do you.

Fine. Fine.

What? Yeah, well, you know what?

Let's just keep it behind closed doors.

It's worth it if it'll get them to stop.

You guys are making me hate love!

We... I... Can we still turtle kiss?

Vanessa: No. No. Just do not! Stop!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

♪

Oh my goodness.

Get in here. Let me take the guitar.

Uh, it's frozen to my hand.

You might have to chip off a few of my fingers.

(Shivers)

Did you at least make any money?

Yeah, $4.

Well, it was $8, but when you need a fire, you need a fire.

Look, I really don't like you performing outside in the middle of winter.

Well, spring's just right around the corner, and hopefully, I'll be dead by then.

Here's a funny coincidence.

Uh, I've been looking for a musician to perform here at night.

Huh. Where? Yeah.

Right over there.

Uh, over there.

Uh, anyway (Chuckles) we've been talking about it at all the staff meetings.

So if I were to ask the staff, they would back you up on that?

Yes, but don't do that.

(Laughs)

And I-I even put an ad in, uh, the Denver... Musicians For Hire Magazine.

Even when magazines existed, that one didn't.

Look, you'd be doing me a huge favor, okay?

I need someone to play over there.

Or... Or there.

I know you're lying.

No, I'm not.

All right, hey, it doesn't matter.

Except to God, which isn't really my problem.

I'm in.

Good.

I'm looking forward to playing here... or there.

Hey, Mike.

Please take a look at this when you get a chance, please?

Sure.

Okay.

Hey, hey.

Yeah?

Do you... Do you think I'm too affectionate?

Well...

Okay, uh... yes, Mike.

That's the... That's the beef that everybody has with you.

I mean with my wife.

Mm-hmm.

My kid was talking about it this morning.

It made me feel like a pervert.

I see. Because you hug and hold hands in public and kiss every time you see one another?

Yeah. Right. I see.

I have to go with the kid on this one.

But we're married.

Normal married couples never even touch each other.

All right?

The problem is, you two make marriage look good.

See, and then I'm suckered into trying it, and the next thing you know, I'm writing alimony checks to three women who hate me.

Hey. (Chuckling) Hey.

Hey. Hi.

I'm not falling for that again.

What was that about?

I don't know.

I guess he agrees with Mandy on the affection thing.

We're not the people in the zoo.

We're the chimps.

I know. I know.

I guess a lot of people feel that way.

Yeah, explains why the guy at Starbucks looked at us and gave me the cup that said "Horndog" on it.

And my yoga teacher, she said every time she sees us, it makes her realize how passionless her marriage is.

Isn't that great?

Well, I didn't know so many people were watching us.

Now either we got to stop it, or we got to start charging people.

No, I-I-I don't want to change.

I like the way we are with each other.

So do I. Yeah.

You know, uh... we're alone now.

(Laughing) Right here in the office?

Honey, is... isn't that kind of naughty?

That's how it feels every time I kiss a beautiful woman in my office.

Ooh.

You know, this could, uh... could really spice things up.

Yeah. Thinking that our love is forbidden makes it fun.

Yeah, you're like the new Spice Girl.

Granny Spice.

Killing the moment. Let's eat.

Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, sitting here with 160 horsepower between my legs.

I've also got this cool snowmobile sitting here... the Polaris 800.

You know, for thousands of years, heavy snow made land impassable.

Over time, man invented the sled, the engine, and the motorcycle.

But it took a French-Canadian lunatic named Bombardier to put them all together.

And as he would have said, "Voilà!"

Here she is.

There's nothing more exhilarating than defying Mother Nature on one of these.

Mom Nature will say, "I will freeze the water, and thou shall not pass."

(Scoffs)

You just give her the finger on the way by.

Sometimes people get a bit uncomfortable watching you ride her.

The sled.

And you know what makes it even more fun?

Spice it up by doing it somewhere you're not supposed to.

Like, well, you didn't hear this from me, but restricted (Clears throat) federal land.

The snow is great in some remote patches of Wyoming.

And you haven't lived until you've slalomed between buried ICBM silos.

Yeah, no matter how perfect you think an activity is, it can always use a little spicing up.

Ain't that right, baby?

♪ I've run out of time ♪ ♪ To try and know you all over again ♪

(Indistinct conversations)

Thank you.

No, really, your chewing is all I need.

It's like you're applauding with your mouths.

(Inhales deeply)

I'm gonna go on break.

Now your hands work?

She's adorable.

Yep, I was there when she was born. You know that?

And now look at her.

Yeah, she's really something.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

You have to fire her.

What? She's my sister.

So what? I once knocked my sister off a motorcycle.

Give these people time, okay?

They'll... They'll grow to love her like we do.

Or they'll eat someplace else.

Kind of excited to see which one it is.

(Chuckles) I'm not.

The customers don't like it, all right?

They've got the money, so they win.

It's her first night.

And her last.

Great stuff, kiddo.

Yeah.

Oh, he wants you to fire me, doesn't he?

What? Wh-Why? Why would you say that?

Because his customers don't like me.

There's a big article about it in the Denver Musicians For Hire Magazine.

I don't know what planet you're on, but you are killing it here.

Now get back up there, you!

Okay, you're either being an overprotective sister or a horrible restaurant manager.

Can't I be both? I mean neither?

Just go! (Groans)

♪

Mike? Whatcha doing?

Looking for that brown scarf.

They're trendy again, so I want to make sure I throw it out.

Guess what.

We're alone.

Right.

But who knows how long that will last?

(Laughs)

You're really enjoying all this sneaking around, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah, maybe a little.

Yeah?

It's like we're teenagers.

Except now I have money and an actual woman.

Mm.

(Car door closes, alarm chirps)

Well, that will be the end of that.

Uh, it... it doesn't have to be.

Why?

Um, just... in the closet.

Let's go. Let's go.

The closet?

Yeah, it'll be fun. We'll be standing up, though.

It'll be like that time you hurt your back.

Thanks for coming to visit my grandma.

I know how you feel about the shoes the nurses wear.

It's like, I know you're saving lives, but can you do it in a pump?

Hey, Mom, Dad! We're back.

Hello?

Well, they must not be home.

Hey.

Kyle.

Oh, you're back.

Mike: Mm.

What were you doing in the closet?

It's pretty obvious, isn't it?

Moth check. It's clear.

They could be lying.

I can't believe you guys!

I thought we were all supposed to tone it down.

Oh, co... What is the problem? We were behind closed doors.

I mean, I sa... I said that was okay.

This is ridiculous.

I can't even hold hands with my husband.

You two are in there doing God knows what in the closet.

Oh, come... Nothing happened!

What do you mean, "nothing happened"?

I found that scarf.

This isn't working. Kyle and I are married.

We should be able to do what we want where we want.

Uh, but this is our house, so... no, you shouldn't.

I agree with you.

You agree?

Yeah, it is your house.

You should be able to dictate the rules.

So the only solution is to not be in this house.

What are you talking about?

Kyle and I are gonna get our own place, okay?

We're moving out.

Yep, well, they weren't lying, honey.

Not one moth.

Come on, babe. We got to go start looking for a place to live.

What's going on? Well, how long was I in there?

What? How about that?

Well, they're leaving.

We literally grossed them out.

♪

So... Hey.

...their car's gone. We must be alone.

Uh, yeah, Mandy and Kyle are out looking for apartments Honey, I am worried.

What? It is a rough world out there for a freckle-faced girl and her turtle.

Yeah, I'm worried, too.

Want to take a shower?

A shower? No!

Come on!

Bath? (Scoffs)

Separate tubs?

The plan was always to let Mandy and Kyle live here until they could afford a safe place. Yeah, I know. Right, right.

But have you seen these neighborhoods they're looking at?

These are sketchy areas.

How do you know what neighborhoods they're looking at?

Well, remember that gizmo we got Mandy to help her keep track of her keys?

Yeah. Well, it turns out you can use it keep track of Mandy.

Who knew? (Chuckles)

Wait.

You got me one of those.

Yours is different.

Look, I-I just wish Mandy and Kyle didn't have to move out.

Well, they could stay here if they just tone it down a little bit.

Oh, come on. We were that way.

They're just doing what newlyweds do.

We never did any of that stuff in front of your parents.

We still don't do any of that stuff at your parents', and they're practically blind.

Well, I think Mandy and Kyle should stay.

Come on, i-it's gonna get better once... once they're through this honeymoon phase.

They're just having their honeymoon here.

That's what they're doing. They never had a honeymoon.

Yeah, they should be on a romantic beach somewhere.

That's right... grossing out total strangers.

Wait a minute. We could make this happen.

Well, yeah, I mean, if they get all this out of their system, it should be easier to live with.

Yeah. Yeah, and if they got real sunburned, we'd have another two weeks of peace.

Goodbye, Tickle-Bot.

Yeah!

Hello, Lobster Boy.

♪

E-Bax in the house. What up?

Ugh. Stop it, Kristin.

They already hate me. Will you just fire me already?

Why would I do that when you are totally, totally crushing it, huh?

Okay, because I realized what you were doing.

You... You feel like you have to protect me because I'm your little sister.

No, I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, you've always done it, like when I couldn't sell any wrapping paper for my soccer team and you bought all of it.

I needed it.

Um, that was 10 years ago, and I'm pretty sure it's still in your closet.

Yeah, I needed it to fill some space in my closet.

Okay, look, we're adults now, and I just think it's time for us to have a more honest relationship.

I want that, too.

But I can't fire you.

Okay.

Well, you leave me no choice.

I'm gonna start with my all-harmonica set...

No, no, Eve. Not the harmonica... unless I'm fired.

No, no. Seriously, stop.

Seriously, stop, stop. Eve.

Only one thing you can do to make me stop.

(Harmonica plays)

♪ And you know what it is ♪

(Harmonica plays)

♪ You have got to fire me ♪ ♪ You know what it is ♪

(Harmonica plays)

♪ Or this could go all night ♪

Okay, Eve, you're fired! You're fired.

Thank you. Thank you.

(Sighs) I knew you could do it.

I can't believe I fired you.

I'm a monster.

No, you're not.

Look, come here, come here.

Come up here.

What? Why?

Okay, everyone?

Who thinks she was right by firing me?

Okay, thank you.

Ingrates.

The people have spoken, Kristin.

The awful, awful people!

All right, all right, all right, I get it.

I get it, okay?

But I don't like it.

I mean, you're my baby sister.

Not anymore.

I'm just your sister.

Doesn't this feel better?

Mm, kind of does.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

♪ She fired her sis ♪

(Harmonica plays)

♪ She's a horrible person ♪

Okay, okay, enough. Out, enough.

Okay, okay, I'm going.

I'm going now. Thank you.

♪

What if this doesn't work, Mike?

Well, then, I ate like 12 pickles for nothing.

All right.

Hi. Heard you guys wanted to see us.

Yeah, we want to talk about you guys moving out.

We're working on it.

We've got some good leads. Yeah.

We just hit a little snag.

Mm-hmm. Our Realtor was shot.

I bet it was in a bad area.

Not really... upper arm.

All right, well, look, your dad and I have decided that you guys should be able to show some affection.

Just nowhere we can see it or hear it.

So, we're sending you away.

Oh, God. I can't go back to foster care.

No, we're... we're not sending them away, Mike.

We are sending you on a long-overdue honeymoon.

Really?

Yeah.

You guys, thank you so much!

Wow! Thank you!

That's so generous! Kyle, do you hear?

They're sending us on a trip around the world!

San Diego.

First class!

Coach.

No, he's kidding. He's kidding.

Uh, look, i-it'll be someplace that you choose within reason.

Right. But we are going to provide you with some spending money.

Oh.

Unless you're a Charger fan, San Diego's nice this time of year.

Holy holy! A jar full of money?

That must have been expensive.

No, no, no. Not so fast. Not so fast.

To help you learn some discretion for when you come back, we have come up with a little game.

That's $780.

Wow. Wow, that... that was close.

It's... It's $800.

Actually, I took $20 out for something.

Forget the honeymoon. I'm taking Rain Man to Vegas.

All right, here's the game.

Every time that we feel that you guys have crossed a line, we're gonna take $20 out of the jar.

But how will we know when we've crossed a line?

'Cause there'll be less money in the jar.

Look, I-I don't know if I'm gonna be able to do this.

Yeah, it's a jar full of money. Get your hands off me.

Well, look at that.

Money does conquer all, doesn't it?

Come on, honey. Let's let the jar do its work.

This was a great idea.

I don't know... throwing money at a problem.

Damn it. We're Democrats.

Okay, listen up. I'm gonna need at least three feet between you guys at all times.

What are you doing here?

Mom and Dad asked me to narc on you guys when you guys get gross.

What? I don't believe that Mom and Dad said that.

Mm, questioning their authority... that's a $20.

No. Excuse me!

That was not something they objected to!

Questioning my authority... that's another $20.

Hey!

This seems like a different game.

Stupidity... that's gonna cost you $40, my friend.

No! Put the money back!

All right, fine.

There. Thank you.

She kept $20.