The Crawl

(British accent): Hello!

Hey.

Hi.

Happy St. Valentine's Day, mates.

I just spent the week at Ryan's, and it was absolutely lovely.

Coach: Fake accent, smug attitude... This is exactly why the teachers have turned on Jyan.

Jyan?! Come on!

You chose the worst parts of both our names.

That's why we chose it. Haters gonna "H."

That's why Ryan has to find a new job.

You know, I hear Elijah Wood's looking for a stunt double.

(laughter)

He's so small!

Get back in that tree and make me some cookies, Ryan! Cookies!

Yeah!

I know, so hot, right?

Anyway, what's going on in your little lives?

Well, I'm just enjoying the fruits of dating a semi-powerful local politician.

Tonight, it's a Valentine's Day cardiologists' soiree.

Check that out.

Oh!

Oh, my goodness. Is that the invitation?

Wait, that's a real heart? Looks like meat.

It's not shaped like this?

Yeah, well, you know, the cardiologists feel that the traditional cartoon heart, uh... promotes ignorance.

That's gross.

Where's Nick? How is he handling the breakup with Kai?

I don't know... I haven't seen Fat Fat Fatty in a long time.

Yeah, me, either.

Yeah, I haven't seen him since the breakup.

You live in the same room as him.

I've been crashing in your room while you're away.

Is Nick missing?

No, he is not.

Oh, boy.

(chuckling): Hey.

Schmidt: Oh, wow. COACH: You look terrible.

Hey, Nick. Are you covered in gravy?

Nope. I've been in my room for the last week sleeping and thinking and really getting into the comic strip Cathy.

Oh, I'm really excited that we can finally talk about Cathy.

When she's mad, she says, "Ack."

Ack.

Ack.

Ack!

Nick, why would you come out here?

Sounds like you were doing pretty good in there.

Doug's Ale House.

The new bar on Sixth and Spring?

No.

The exact coordinates to complete my bar crawl that I've been working on for almost a decade.

Mmm.

What?! - Ooh.

Schmidt: Big day.

Thanks.

And guess what? Good news.

(imitates drumroll)

It's tonight! Who's in?

Oh...

Winston: You know, I'm on call at the station tonight, so I can't really drink, so...

Fawn's speaking at a cardiologist event.

Ryan and I have a reservation at a really fancy restaurant, so...

You're probably thinking,

"Oh, a bar crawl on Valentine's Day...

Is this about Nick's breakup with Kai?" No.

Yeah.

Now you might be asking yourself,

"Is attendance really mandatory?"

You bet it is.

Bar crawl!

Hmm...

He's about to crack. We have to go tonight.

So I have news about a bar Cr...

Was I just out here talking to you guys about the bar crawl?

Did I already pitch it all to you?

Well, it's happening tonight!

Okay, so we hit six bars in five hours.

Wait, wouldn't six hours make more sense?

Yeah, that'd make sense 'cause it all divides...

No, no, it doesn't, because it's... it's five hours.

Now, the amazing thing is, if you connect all the coordinates, the six bars form a perfect smiley face on the map... look.

You didn't actually connect all the coordinates.

Oh, my...

Winston: Hey, I think it is a really cool smiley face.

Thank you.

I got your back, man. I got your back.

Actually, I have all your backs, all right?

Uh, since I can't drink tonight, I am your designated buddy.

Here in my backpack, I have a list of items that we may need.

I got water, so...

I got towels for everybody.

Perfect.

I got... small stick.

Speaks for itself.

Oh.

Oh. Also... one female condom.

It's gonna go quick, so I'll let you two fight it out.

Cece: Uh-uh. Also, I got tissues for you, Nick, 'cause...

What for?

It's-it's Valentine's Day, and your girlfriend broke up.

You guys can be sad...

Move it right along, man.

Cool it. And the bar crawl starts... now!

Now!

(all cheering and whooping)

Actually, where's Schmidt?

Well, it's with a heavy heart...

(laughing): Oh! that we really must leave you.

We really must. He's too much. It was a pleasure.

Pleasure.

Easy on the puns, okay?

And you've got broccoli in your teeth.

Remember what I told you about eating at public functions?

Only use your back teeth.

Only use your back teeth.

Hey, Fawn, I'm sorry. We should probably get to Nick's bar crawl now, yeah?

You remember? I confirmed it like ten times with your intern.

Yes, yes, yes, no.

First, I need to, uh, schmooze some vascular surgeons.

Gotta get a discount on my spider vein removal. Okay?

Okay, ten minutes tops.

We're still going to dinner, 'cause it took a lot to get this reservation.

Also, we can't get wasted 'cause it's a very nice restaurant.

Which means we have to pretend to drink in front of Nick.

Is that really necessary?

Oh, yakkety-yakkety-yak.

Don't ruin my bar crawl.

Let's go. Drink.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm.

Boom!

I'm gonna outdrink you tonight, Miller.

Cece, your mouth is writing a check that your body can't find. (Winston laughs)

That's not an expression.

Regionally specific to Northern Illinois.

We say it all the time.

Thank you, Winston.

You're welcome.

Don't write a check your body can't find.

(laughs) Every day, man.

For real.

Got to. Got to.

A gimlet for May.

Thank you.

Watch and learn, player.

If you're a girl and you're in a bar on Valentine's Day, you're basically saying, "Hello. Good February.

I'm interested in casual s*x."

(chuckles) Hmm.

May, huh?

That's your name?

Yeah.

Ah, that's crazy 'cause, uh... (coughing loudly)

(clears throat, groans)

I know I just met you, but your name's already written... on my heart.

It's fate, baby.

It's fate... seriously?

Nick: All right, come on! Five-minute warning, let's go.

Dude, I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Oh, no, nope, you're in the middle of nothing, because that's the cheesiest thing I've ever seen.

(chuckles) She hates you, Ernie.

But I don't like her for you, anyway. Let's go.

Wait, what do you mean?

Ryan: I just don't know what to do. No schools are hiring.

I've contacted everyone I know.

I even checked through all my contacts in England, including my old headmaster at Wellington Prep, to see if he knew of anything in the States.

♪ Where there's a will, there's a ♪ ♪ Wellington way. ♪ (giggles)

How do you know the Wellington fight song?

You sing it in your sleep.

Oh, God.

Look, don't worry, you're gonna find a job.

I'm just worried about not seeing you as much if I switch schools.

Well...

I'll just have to sleep over more.

Or you could move in with me.

Did the music just get louder?

(Nick whoops) The crawl rolls on and Winston's got the rear!

Let's go!

Cece: Let's go.

(whooping)

Winston: Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Let's go with the backpack in the back of the pack.

Hey, so listen, can't make the crawl. Bummed.

What?

But remember... tomorrow we have that photo shoot, and I'm gonna need you to look as Mexican as possible, okay?

It's not okay. We should be together.

It's Valentine's Day.

Come on, you don't really care about Valentine's Day, do you?

I don't know, maybe I do.

Plus, you owe me.

I ran the teleprompter at your last debate... I made "Fawn is Fine" bumper stickers on my own dime.

Yeah.

Even krumped at that anti-gang initiative.

(hip-hop song playing)

Yeah, I have mixed feelings about that.

Me, too. The point is, Yeah.

I'm tired of always doing your things.

What do you want? You want a... You want a photo op?

Or do you want a boyfriend?

Call me when you know what you want.

Yeah, okay.

♪ ♪

This bar completes the eyes on my smiley face.

Miller, man, it's just an honor to be on this bar crawl with you.

Just serving your vision.

Are you guys going on a bar crawl?

I just got dumped, so this holiday is really kicking me in the pen1s.

Me, too, man. Me, too.

It's been a real kick in the gooch.

Not anymore, it's not.

'Cause you're joining us.

Valentine's Day might be for couples, but the crawl is for all.

Yes. We just got our motto, folks.

All: The bar crawl is for all!

Good evening, happy Valentine's Day.

May I offer you a piece of my hear...?

Hey.

You again.

I'm curious, d-do you actually think that's gonna work?

I mean, you tell me.

(imitates heart pumping)

Are you trolling bars on Valentine's Day trying to find sad single girls to hook up with you?

I'm not gonna say yes, and I'm not gonna say no.

Because I know it would be a lie.

So yes.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna take these.

Don't!

Yep.

Paid $3.50 for those.

You owe me $3.50.

I don't know, it's just such a huge step and so early in the relationship, and I thought that I could skip the question and come back to it later, which is the strategy I taught my S.A.T. prep course.

All right, let's do pros and cons.

Okay, pros... I love him.

I love his house, I love his accent.

When he says "raccoon" he says it like "rac-coon."

Adorable.

Cons...

His toaster is super-old.

Woman: Ugh! I tried to stay out of this, but move in with him!

Yeah, well, I-I want to move in with him, but...

No "but," there's no damn "but."

No "but."

But... what if I blew it by pretending I didn't hear him?

Or maybe it wasn't that obvious.

Nah, she heard me, it was very obvious.

I really hate to see you upset.

You know, if I had something to g...

You know what, I do have something.

I have a bag of nuts in my bag.

Do you want a bag of nuts?

Nick: Maybe she didn't hear you.

You know, she's got a lot of hair.

Mm.

And hair blocks sound.

It happened when we were dating all the time.

Hey, did you get a chance to read my Walking Dead fan fiction, yet?

What'd you think?

Well, here's the good news, lad.

We have a solution.

It's God's gift to man.

It's alcohol.

I can't.

We agreed to pretend-drink so we could go out to dinner.

Are you saying that 'cause you want me to go to jail for murder?

No.

No, 'cause I'm gonna murder you if you're pretend-drinking on my bar crawl!

And you're breaking my heart!

You can't fight the crawl.

It's like fighting a hurricane.

You know what a hurricane is?

Do you guys have those over the pond?

We don't, but I know what it is.

You guys don't have them?

No.

They're awful.

Mm-hmm.

It's like fighting one of those.

And a hurricane doesn't have fists, so just, bang, you lose!

Let's drink.

Yeah, man.

Yeah!

USA!

USA!

Yeah! - USA!

USA! (whoops)

And also where you're from!

Mmm.

To show respect.

Well, happy V-Day to me.

Fawn and I are on the rocks.

By the way, a pun that would have killed at last week's geologist ball.

(whispering): Let's murder her.

What?!

I want chicken wings.

I know.

How many drinks you had tonight?

Nine plus three minus one.

Oh, no. That's...

Because I'm gonna out-drink Miller.

You are gonna out-drink Miller? No one out-drinks Miller.

I do.

I guarantee you, you don't.

You don't know me.

Cece, Nick just got dumped, okay?

He has a depth of anger and sadness that rests between his eyes, and he can drink forever and ever and ever.

You'll lose every time.

Hey, it's my business partner that I was telling you about... Schmidt!

All: Schmidt!

Nick, who are all these people?

These are the crawlers.

The single, the lonely, the close-talkers, the shockingly pale, the stank-mouths, fat boys in the back... (whoops twice)

(crawlers whoop twice, in response) The chubby-fronts, the delusionally-okay with themselves... but no one is alone tonight because...

All (chanting): The crawl is for all! The crawl is for all! The crawl is for all!

I just want chicken wings.

Oh, you're hammered, Cece.

Hey.

Hey, Jess, I'm drinking fire.

That seems dangerous.

Mm...

Um, I wanted to talk to you about what you said before.

What did I say? I can't remember.

You don't, you don't remember what you said?

No, I embraced the crawl.

Oh.

Winston and Nick: ♪ When it's cold outside ♪

That sounded, that's where we're at.

♪ I've got the month of May ♪

I'm up here.

Good, okay, I'm down here.

Okay, here we go, check it out.

♪ I guess ♪ ♪ You'd say ♪ ♪ What can make me feel this way? ♪

Here we go!

♪ Bar crawl ♪ ♪ Bar crawl, bar crawl ♪ ♪ Talkin' 'bout bar crawl ♪ ♪ Bar crawl ♪ (whooping)

Where my altos at?

Come on, now, don't be shy! I see you!

(boos, chuckles)

Oh, no.

Nick: And mic drop. Who's next?

No. What?!

No.

Damn it!

Are you following me?

No, I'm not following you, dude.

Do you have any nicer, sluttier friends?

Yeah, I do, and I'm never introducing them to you.

That's messed up.

And they're real dirty.

Aw!

Can I have a gimlet, please?

I.D.?

Seriously? Why?

'Cause you ordered a dumb drink.

(goofy laughing)

(snickering)

Oh...

(woman sighs) COACH: Ah.

Thank you.

You got a Kansas license.

That's where I learned to drive, and I have an emotional attachment to it, and I don't need to explain that to you.

No, you don't, but...

You're from Kansas?

Yup.

Well, I'm from all over. Army brat.

Me, too.

You are?

Yes.

Uh, you ever lived in North Carolina?

From 1989 to 1992.

I lived there in '93.

No.

You ever live in Germany?

Dusseldorf in '96!

Lived there in '97!

That's so weird.

So, we've, like, just missed each other for our entire lives.

And then we meet, like, three times in a row in one night.

(laughs) Seems a little weird.

It's kind of like, uh...

Fate?

No.

I know! I can't believe I said that!

Why did you say that?

That's so cheesy.

Oh, I hate that!

Nick: Hey, Coach!

Coach!

I don't know them.

I got a female condom if you need it, my man! (whoops)

Don't hold this against me, please.

Cece (groaning): Oh, God...

Here, Cece, have some water.

No, thank you. No.

Valentine's Day just sucks.

I don't know. I kind of like it.

Since when?

Since a few years ago... since three years ago, to be exact.

Oh, what happened three...?

Oh.

It was when you first took a chance on me.

And we humped until the sun came out.

Did all the things that R. Kelly raps about.

Yeah, I know. I was there.

It was the best night of my life, and ever since then, Valentine's Day has always been my favorite holiday, and I hope that you don't remember that I have said any of these things tomorrow.

Oh, it's gonna happen again.

It's gonna... Oh.

It's gonna happen again.

All right.

Oh...

(coughing)

Somehow, this isn't repulsive.

It's not great, but it certainly isn't the worst.

Jess: I'm so sorry that I pretended not to hear you.

It's just that... I wasn't ready for it, and sometimes you mumble with your accent, and I never fully understand you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I asked you to move in with me out of the blue.

What kind of... nutter does that?

The craziest mother nutter in the whole damn place!

Ryan Geauxinue, will you move in with me?

I have my own home.

You live in a loft with four guys and a urinal.

Will you move in with me?

Yes.

Yes?

Yes!

Yes!

Absolutely.

Yes!

Yes!

(giggles)

Nick: Home base! (groans)

Barkeep, bring us beer.

If you call me barkeep one more time, I'm shutting this bitch down.

Mike, I love you because you're gay... and 'cause you're dangerous.

I can't believe I used to have a crush on you.

(groans)

Hey, man. How's it going?

I'm not hooking up tonight.

I met one girl.

Several times.

She's pretty much perfect.

Nice. Where's she at?

I ditched her, dude.

She's, like, relationship material.

That's not what I'm looking for tonight.

Really?

Yeah, I want something easy.

Something easy?

Like Sunday morning.

Like Sunday morning. Know what I'm saying?

I know what you're saying.

That bitch is a Monday.

Know what I'm saying?

You know what's funny?

I got something just for that.

You're gonna love it. Here it is.

I can't wait.

Give it to me right...

Yo!

Go get that girl, dude.

(whining): I don't even know where she is.

I didn't hit you that hard.

Hey. (grunts)

This, uh, Schmidt's jacket you're wearing?

Yeah.

Not to be a nosy buddy, but sparks are flying like the Wright brothers between you two.

And I would know.

I have their biography here in my backpack.

I care about Schmidt, but just as a friend, all right?

Look me in the eyes, and tell me you don't have feelings for Schmidt.

I don't have feelings for him.

Dude, you are nowhere near my eyes.

Nobody hit on me. I'm taken.

Don't talk to me. I'm a councilwoman.

Schmidt?

Did the whole crawl to find you.

I'm cold, I'm tired, I'm sober.

I'm wearing my strapless bra like a belt.

But I know what I want.

I want you.

I want you to be my boyfriend.

As much as a I want a commuter lane to Costa Mesa! (crowd whooping)

Vote Moscato!

(crowd cheering)

What?

They're kissing.

I thought maybe you were gonna say something like,

"No" or, like, "I miss him so much now."

Last call! (groans)

We got one more bar on the crawl!

We have to finish the smile!

You're never ever gonna make it.

And I'm never gonna ride a jet ski with Tom Colicchio on my back.

So, sometimes dreams just don't come true.

(shouting): I'm sorry about that guy Galecky not hugging you from behind in the water on a motorized thing... I'm sorry!

We will finish what we have started!

(cheering) Yay!

We will feast on the spoils of this night for a thousand moons!

In the name of love and booze!

(crawlers cheering)

Oh, no. My crush is back.

I hate myself.

(cell phone buzzes)

Oh, this person will not stop texting me.

Where is it? (phone continues buzzing)

Sorry.

Oh, it's an e-mail from Wellington Prep.

You do realize we were just about to have s*x, right?

Say something to get back in the mood... say raccoon.

They're offering me the job of headmaster.

In England?

Raccoon?

So, you'd be the headmaster?

Headmaster.

Of Wellington?

Of Wellington.

(sighing): Headmaster.

Jess... look at me.

I'm not gonna take it.

Wellington's not even that great.

You have their current headmaster as your emergency contact.

Okay, it's heaven on Earth.

And I love it.

But I love you more.

Well, I love you, which is why I can't let you pass up this opportunity!

If we were ready to live in the same place, then we should be ready to live 5,000 miles apart.

Yeah, I suppose, but...

Well, I'll call you every night after work. It'll only be, like, midnight your time.

I could learn to stay up late. Maybe I should try cocaine!

Yeah! Or coffee!

That, too.

And I'll come and visit.

It's only, like, an 11-hour flight.

And then a four-hour drive to Wellington.

That's so long!

Which is great... 'cause I can catch up on podcasts.

We can do this!

We can do this long distance, right?

Right.

Nick (in distance): This is our revolution!

(crowd clamoring outside)

When I say bar, you say...

All: Crawl!

Bar!

Crawl!

Jess, are you guys coming or what?

Hi.

May!

May!

Hey.

You again.

Yeah.

Me again.

Look, um, I'm sorry about earlier.

I just, I-I really didn't plan on-on meeting somebody so great tonight, you know?

You messed everything up!

'Cause you're, like, awesome and that sucks because it's, like, that's not what I want. And you're pretty, which is a bummer.

'Cause it's, like, damn! She fine, but it's, like, at the same time, I'm, like, I don't need this in my life.

You wear a leather jacket...

I'm sorry. Are you... I'm just confused.

Are you trying to say something nice right now?

Yes. I am.

And I'm terrible at it.

Is there any way I could get, I ca... I, um...

I could get your number maybe?

(coughing)

Aw... (laughs)

A long number.

What the hell is this? Is this your e-mail address?

Write a good e-mail.

And I'll go out with you.

What...?

I'm talking full sentences.

I'm talking no typos.

No pictures. No pictures.

God, you are gonna make this really hard for me, huh?

Yes.

Aw...

You smell good.

Doug's Ale House!

The tip of the smile!

The crawl is complete! (crowd cheering)

Yeah!

Yes!

Yes! Get in!

(cheering, clamoring)

Hey!

Hey.

Everything okay? I'd spent a long time on the crawl, and now that it's over, it's just a natural sadness.

It's just gonna take a minute. Just go on in. It's fine.

What's the holdup? Nick's cracking a little bit.

Everybody, relax, okay?

It's just the crawl's over.

Kai is over.

I got nothing to do.

I just have nothing to do.

Come on.

Of course, you have so much to do.

Nick we're business partners, man.

We're teammates.

YOu're smart and talented guy.

And tonight we found out that you have a weird, _ charisma.

You should make more maps man. That's what you should do.

You're my idea-man.

Thank you guys.

Thank you for saying all this nice stuff.

I love you guys.

It's time to go inside. We got a crawl to finish.

Yeah. We got a crawl to finish.

Now out of my way, I'm getting another drink.

I can't let you in.

You're not wearing shoes.

Where are you shoes, Nick?

Honestly, I threw 'em at a squirrel.

Everybody's waiting for you.

I can't go into the bar. I don't shoes on.

My map is just a deformed smile now. I didn't complete it.

Or is it?

A goatee face.

What bar is that?

What bar is that?

(chuckles)

I'm glad you asked.

Welcome to Winston's bar.

Hot stuff Aww Happy Valentine's day, everybody.

That's right.