Buck, Wild

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! I don't believe this. How could they put me at the kids' table? I'm 14. I'm Batman. No, you're not! I'm too old for this. I don't want to be around all these babies playing PokÃ©mon badly. This kid right here is just wasting his Charizard. You are wasting your Charizard! Gentlemen, just in time for the annual hunting trip, I've purchased an RV, and I love it. It's like driving a terrible little house. Hunting trip? That sounds awesome! Steve, that trip, like this table, is for men only. Yeah, kid. So make like Pete Weber in the tenth frame of the 2007 Pro Bowling championships and split. Da, da, da I love taking the old '93 Mercury Sable out for a little joyride. Letting her stretch her legs. Oh, oh, odometer's about to turn over to all zeros. That might be interesting to see. Ooh, check out this girl. Just drifting along. What an interesting look she has. I'm so interested in things today. And well, I'll just say it: I'm behaving very interestingly. Da, da, da Da, da, da Well, that's over. Oh, damn it! Y-You following my daughter? Screw you, buddy! Get out of here, you pervert! Your weird daughter made me miss the zeros! She made me miss the thing! You freako! I don't know what you're talking about! Get back in your house! Get back in your damn house! Next on Guy Who Gets Laid A Lot, the guy spends the night alone. Aw Psyche! He totally gets laid. Oh, they got me. They got me again. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is this? A brief PowerPoint presentation about why I should go on that CIA hunting trip. No, I told you, it's for men. Exactly, and as you can see, I've gone through multiple rites of passage, any of which should qualify me for this manhood you speak of. What?! PowerPoint?! Why does it keep going back? I don't even want these transitions. It's too busy. Look, Steve, you couldn't cut it on this hunting trip. It's for rough and ready men, and you're a boy. Then how do I become a man? Simple-- you have to hunt and kill an animal. Well, how am I supposed to do that if you won't let me on the hunting trip? That's a catch-22. Joseph Heller's absurdist novel? Whoa, stop right there. You know I only read books I've already read. She's a beauty, sir. You ever want to drive around with your poop, this is the vehicle. Aah! Yay. Steve's here. A spare tire that doubles as a human boy? We live in wondrous times, Smith. Damn it, Steve, I'm taking you home right now. Nonsense. We're here and I'm ready to hunt. Now, let's set up camp. Move! That! Bus! This is how we're camping? It's glamping, not camping. Oh "glamping," huh, Smith? You refuse to use that word for six years, then suddenly your son shows up, and it's like you thought of it. We've got an oxygen bar, a yoga studio, and a good but not amazing Thai restaurant, but it's pretty good. What do you hunt with? The only gun I've seen is the one on the buffet. Guns? Ha! Steve. It's glunting, not hunting. We use something a bit more sophisticated. We use the Hunting Command Center. Men, let's kill some animals. Movement detected in Sector K-7. Coordinating satellite path. Initiating laser. Firing in three two Squirrel hunted. Squirrel down. Deer! It's in the Command Center. We're powerless! That gun is meant to be decorative. It's a conversation piece. Smile, you son of a bitch. You're smiling. You son of a bitch. It's learning. Kill it now! Steve, this is your man moment. Steve, you miss What? My boy is dead. Long live my man. Hey, they put out Ã©clairs. It was one of those tree-bucks. You know the ones. Bang! Stab! Yeah, well, I just know they're both in a better place now. That's right. Deer hell. You were so brave. I'm so proud of my little boy. Oh, he's no little boy, Francine. He's a man. Great, I-I'm a man. Can we just not talk about this anymore? Well, you're not a man yet. There's still the Regaling. What's the Regaling? "What's the Regaling?" He wants to know what the Regaling is. Never heard of it, he says. Can you believe this? If you want to ask me a question, Stan, ask me a question, but don't use me as a prop. The Regaling is a marvelous thing. After every hunt oh, it's just divine! You tell your hunting story to a bunch of drunks at the Lodge. I have to tell my story? Yes, and the Regaling will double as your man, uh, coming out party. Wait, no, no, no, your man arriving at party. Your manutante party. Manutante ball. D-Don't rush me. Manutante balls. Uh, went past it. Steve, let the women clear the table while we adjourn to another room, so I can tell you how proud I am of you without feeling like a total gaylord. Roger, are you feeling okay? You've been quiet all through dinner. Oh, Franny. You ever miss a moment in your life, one of those things you'll never get back? You know I have no regrets, Roger. That's why I got this. Your arm is right. I'm gonna drive another 100,000 miles and see those zeros, if it kills me. Ooh, road trip. Bring me. I've got lots of good travel bits, like pretending exit names are movie titles. State Road, coming soon. Or Main Street, from the makers of State Road. Hmm. I don't see that getting old. Let's do it. Good idea, guys. You won't "regert" it. Steve, we don't want to be late for the Regaling. You look like the most handsome man in the world, Bollywood star Akshay Kumar. Oh, did you expect me to say Ryan Gosling? I said "the world," Steve. Get out of your Euro-centric bubble. Anyway, you look good. Regaling! Regaling! Okay, now, Steve, when you're telling your hunting story, don't forget to mention all the blood. People love blood. Dad, when you first killed something, did you feel, I don't know, guilty about Steve, you're focusing on the wrong thing. There is a lectern that is exactly your size. Go get 'em, champ. Don't forget the bloo Ah, he's gone. You can do this, Steve. Be a man. Uh, since time immemorial, mankind has been terrorized by-by the deer. This fleet brown menace has owned the night, nibbling at our gardens before slinking like cowards back to the forest. I used to live in the forest, but now I live on the wall with my wife up in my antlers. This is humiliating. Thanks, Steve. Uh uh Th-Th-These hideous, huge, uh, vermin He didn't even eat the meat. And all so he could become a man? Well, least we know what kind of man Steve's become a bad man. Uh hideous verm uh I can't. I can't do this. I want to be a man, but not like this. I feel awful about what I did. I mean, when I fired, I was just trying to scare it off. I wasn't trying to kill anyone. Did you hear that? He wasn't even trying! He's an effortless killer. That's right. With one shot, he slays not one, not two, not three, but four deer! Four?! I wanted to surprise you, Steve. But it turns out these deer had babies, and without their parents, they will surely starve. All right, Steve! Way to go! Congratulations! That a guy! Steve there's only one way to be saved. Ugh! Again with this, Merv! Ever since you got mounted, all you do is talk about Jesus! He is the light! Okay, we want to rack up miles on this odometer as quickly as we can, so no stops, drive-throughs only. And we're gonna share your bowl as a bathroom. Oh, please, no. Not my bowl. Oh, well. I tried. You're a messed-up fish, man. Is that Steve? He's in the middle of nowhere. We should pull over. We don't have time. Don't make eye contact. Don't worry, little guys. I'm gonna stay here and raise you. I owe you that much. And I'm never gonna kill again. "I have something I must do. "I will return, although I cannot say when. Tenderly yours, Steven Anita. " He's run away! He didn't run away. Children run away. Steve's a man now. He just went to take care of some business. It's all here in the note. I'm worried. Francine, it says right here, "Don't worry. " Do you need to read the note again? Your reading comprehension is terrible. Look, he said he'll be back. How long can he possibly be gone, anyway? That'll be Bullock. Time for the annual CIA hunting trip. I can't believe it's been a year since Steve left. God, I hope he's all right. I'm sure he's fine. He's probably living up in Billings, Montana. Got a little stake in a copper mine. Maybe a wife Rose. Good ol' Rosie, salt of the earth. He'll get down to Bozeman one of these days. It's been so quiet around here. Roger, Klaus and Hayley are still on that 100,000-mile road trip. I didn't go on that trip. Hmm, you've really been flying under the radar this year. Mmm! Eat plenty of moss, my growing boys, or no lichen for dessert. I sure like lichen. Hey, where you going? The CIA hunting trip. So, it has been a year already. Again? You just went! What do you mean? You know where it is. It's wherever you want it to be. Is this lasagna? Did we agree on lasagna? I never would've voted for lasagna. Father! Steve?! Steve! You're here! It's so good to see you. Well, you've seen me. And now it's time for you and your kind to leave this place. What are you talking about? I have renounced the ways of man, and have been living in the woods raising the two deer I orphaned. There will be no hunting here today, nor ever again. But the things you're saying! All this time, I thought you're not a man; you're not even a mammal! You're an anti-mammal! That doesn't roll off the tongue, does it? I'll have to combine all those words, off the cuff, to create a new word. I call you "an-i-mal. " That's it "an-i-mal. " It may not be a word, but I know what it means. Will you make peace with an "an-i-mal"? Did I say that right? Yes, you did. And no, I won't! Then you've brought this war on yourself. So does this mean you and Rosie split up? Marriage is hard, son! You gotta learn to tune out the nonsense! This is it. It's finally here! Oh, my God. Here we go. What?! This is a '93 Sable! How is this happening? You can do it. Almost there. I'm not a vet, but I think you're overfeeding your fish. As for you, all your organs are wrong and scary to me. You might want to have that looked at. Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! What? What is it? The ambulance odometer's about to roll over to 100,000! You gotta get up here and see this, bro! Five zeros?! Hot dog! Dear Lord. Some people go their whole lives without seeing something this beautiful. I can almost Boys, all of your training has been leading to this moment. Except for the three months I wasted trying to teach you English. Go! And this one I scraped on a rock, but it doesn't hurt. Sir, I'm picking up something on the radar. I know what this is. Okay, my son wants a war, let's give it to him. The sauna! We still have the steam room! But I prefer dry heat! It's an ambush! We have to rally! Aah! Ticks! I feel tired all of a sudden. My muscles are achy, and my temperament feels inconsistent. American bald eagles! We're saved! Snakes! Our espresso bar with free WiFi! I've seen quite enough! Smith! We're getting out of here! And surrender? Never! I'll tell your family you were killed by chipmunks. (engine revs, tires screech It's about time that the hunter who became the hunted becomes the hunter. Again. Boys? That you? It's over. We won. Dignan? Applejack? Ugh! I can't smell anything with my seasonal allergies. Hey, Zyrtec! Aah! You can't stop me from hunting, Steve. It's wrong, Dad. Hunting for sport is wrong. I feel very differently. My boys will come for me. Oh, I'm counting on it. Don't hurt him! He's my son! You betrayed your species. He's not your son, he's something for drunks to shoot at. I've told you a thousand times, it's killing that makes the man. Clever boy. No! Don't kill him! It's not what we do! Yeah, what he said. Killing's not what makes a man. It's something else. You'll regret it. I did. Dad, I'd like you to meet your grandchildren. Uh, hello. Sorry Peepaw tried to kill you. I've been dreading this day, but it's time. You're ready now. You have to go! Go! Get out of here! Shoo! Yeah, yeah, they left as soon as you said "go. " You're probably pretty disappointed in me, huh? Why would I be disappointed in you? 'Cause I'm not a man, and I guess I'll never be. No, Steve, I was wrong. Anyone can kill. But it takes a real man to show mercy. You taught me that. So, I'm a man? At long last, I'm a man? You bet your ass you are. But only in the woods. And we're never coming back here again. So those deer know how to use guns, huh? That's cool. Well, we're almost to 's bones. Ooh! Is that one of those deer men? They're so interesting! Noooo! Bye, have a beautiful time!
 * from the tree, Francine.
 * *** *** "Dear Mother and Father, "Do not worry about me.