Finding Mary McGuffin

(In the Flynn Fletcher front yard, a yard sale is being hosted)

Man: Oh cool! Old records! Lindana. Now that's a blast from the past. Wonder where she is now... Probably singing at retirement homes.

(Linda walks over)

Linda: Oh, give me that. (takes the box of records)

Man: Hey, you look familiar.

(By the garage, Phineas and Ferb are examining some reals of film)

Phineas: Hey Dad, what are these?

Lawrence: Oh wow, those are my old black and white detective movies.

Phineas: Do you mind if we watch them?

Lawrence:Not at all boys, the projector's inside.

Phineas: Great, come on Ferb.

(A man grabs a doll from the box Lawrence was carrying)

Lawrence: Oh I see you like that little doll. Well lets see... that'll cost you, uh, fifty cents?

Doofenshmirtz: I'll give you a dollar.

(In the garage, Phineas and Ferb are watching some of the old detective movies)

Detective/Narrator: She rolled into my office like a fog bank. Mysterious. Cold. My instincts told me this dame was nothing but trouble. But trouble's my middle name... Well not really. My middle name is "Trumble"...Sounds a lot like trouble.

Phineas: Wow, this detective stuff is great.

Detective/Narrator: She had something she needed to say. And she spoke with the voice of an angel...

(Suddenly Candace bursts in, in front of the screen)

Candace: Phineas! Where's the box that was in my room?!

Phineas: Well dad was taking boxes out to the yard sale...

Candace: Dad, Dad, wait! (She arrives at the front yard) Dad, is that the box from my room?

Lawrence: Well yes...

Candace: I think I put my little Mary McGuffin doll in there by mistake. Have you seen her?

Lawrence: I just sold her for a whole dollar. Here, you can have it.

(Candace screams)

Lawrence: How about two dollars?

Doofenshmirtz's Ex-Wife's House on a Hill Somewhere!

(Doofenshmirtz rings the doorbell)

Vanessa: Dad? What are you doing here? This isn't your weekend.

Doofenshmirtz: Yes, yes I know, but I have a surprise for you and I just couldn't wait!

Vanessa: (excited) A surprise? Really?

Doofenshmirtz: Yes, it's something you've always wanted. Something you've asked for time and time again. In my hand, I hold the key to...

Vanessa: ... My new car!

Doofenshmirtz: (holds up Mary McGuffin doll) No, your happiness! Remember when you said if I got you a little Mary McGufffin doll, I'd be the world's greatest dad?

Vanessa: Yeah, when I was like, seven.

Doofenshmirtz: At long last I have found one! I have been scouring the Internet and... and Garage sales trying to find the discontinued doll.

Vanessa: Wow, I can't believe you remembered I wanted this.

Doofenshmirtz: Remembered?! I never stop looking!

Vanessa: Really?

Doofenshmirtz: You know, I may be an evil scientist, but it doesn't take a degree purchased from the Internet with your ex-wife's money, to know how special and important you are to me.

Vanessa: That's so sweet.

Doofenshmirtz: Well, I'd better run. I bought a used -inator today at the garage sale, and it's missing one small part.

Vanessa: Really? what does it do?

Doofenshmirtz: I don't know yet, it's missing a part. But whatever it is I'm sure it will be pure evil!

Vanessa: (Talking to the doll) Well, at least you're not evil.

(Scene shifts to the Flynn-Fletcher home)

Phineas: (Talking like the detective from the film, with his and Ferb's bedroom painted black and white) It was a dull, hot day in Danville, and she swept into the room like a cool, tropical depression. I could tell by the way she walk, she had something on her mind, either that, or she was chaffing from the heat.

Candace: What's going on here?

Phineas: Her voice flowed soft and smooth, like butter on toast.

Candace: And why are you talking like that?

Phineas: She was observant, maybe too observant.

Candace: Why is everything black and white in here?

Phineas: (talking normally) We painted everything like an old detective movie.

Candace: What about you guys?

Phineas: Detective makeup.

Candace: Detectives? Perfect! I know what you're going to do today! Track down my little Mary McGuffin.

Phineas: Piece of cake. (Ferb hands him a piece of cake) Ooh, chocolate. Thanks Ferb. We'll have you're little Mary McGuffin back faster than you can say, "Hey, where's Perry?"

(Scene shifts to Perry's lair)

Carl: Sir, Agent P is here.

Major Monogram: I can see that Carl, now get back in that corner until I tell you, you can get up. Fifteen minutes left on the timer.

Carl: Okay Sir.

Major Monogram: Agent P. we, we just found out that Doofenshmirtz is scouring the Tri-State Area for some kind of on-off device.

Carl: A switch, Sir.

Major Monogram: Right, we think it may be a switch, but we don't know what it's for so, we need your help. Good luck Agent P.

Phineas: (Narrating while Ferb plays his sax) The sun beat down on the city like a hammer, a relentless hot beating hammer hammering down like a big metaphor that was... hot, for some reason.

Candace: Stop with the narration and start finding my doll!

Phineas: We decided to investigate at the scene of the crime. We talked to a Lawrence Fletcher, a tall gaunt looking average Joe who... (Ferb stops playing the sax, and Phineas switches back to his normal voice) Sorry.

Lawrence: Is that my old black and white saxophone?

Phineas: We thought the investigation could use a little ambiance.

Lawrence: Oh, delightful. How can I help?

Phineas: We need you to tell us everything you can about the man who bought the doll.

Lawrence: Well, let me see... He had some kind of a German accent, and ooh, he was wearing a lab coat.

Phineas: A lab coat, huh? Ferb? (Ferb begins to play the saxophone again) For an average Joe, he gave us an above average clue. Our next step was clear.

Lawrence: Who is he talking to?

Candace: Oh, don't get me started.

(Song: Not So Bad A Dad)

Vanessa: You were a sub-standard dad

But the only one I had

I grew up hearing your evil scheming down the hall.

But when I look at this thing

It makes me wanna sing

Maybe you're not so bad a dad after all.

At my first ever swim meet,

You stepped on the other team's feet.

At my recital you clapped louder than you should.

But when you taught me how to drive

We actually made it home alive

I guess it's possible not every part of you isn't good.

I know at times I would cringe

Like when you wore all that fringe

And when you went out of your way to catch that foul ball

But this piece of plastic in my hand

Makes me finally understand

Maybe you're not so bad a dad

Not so bad a dad after all..

Charlene: Vanessa, Charitable Charities is here. Do you have your box ready?

Vanessa: Yeah Mom, it's next to my bookshelf.

(In Vanessa's room)

Charlene: Oops, looks like something fell out. (She picks up the Mary McGuffin doll, and puts it in the box)

Charlene: (At the Charitable Charities man) Here you go.

Man from Charitable Charities: Aww, thanks Char. I'll pick you up at eight.

Charlene: See you then Sam.

Phineas: (Narrating) We figured the best place to find a man in a lab coat was at the Lab Coat Emporium. We interviewed several suspects.

Suspect 1: Well, yes I was at a garage sale, but as you can see, I don't have an accent.

Suspect 2: Yeah, I have an accent, but I have not been to a garage sale.

Suspect 3: Whoa! Hey kid, slow down. I can't answer all these questions.

Candace: Well that wasn't very productive. Was it?

Phineas: We decided to have a talk with the owner.

(Shines a bright light onto the owner of the Lab Coat Emporium) What do you know about a man in a lab coat with a German accent, frequents garage sales?

Owner: Oh, that guy, I don't know anything about that guy.

Phineas: Alright Ferb, lean on him.

(Ferb leans on the owner of the store)

Owner: Alright, alright I'll talk. Okay, there's this guy. He comes in every week for a lab coat. He has me put everything on his ex-wife's tab. See, her address is on the bill.

Phineas: I do see. Well thanks a lot for your help. You can wrap it up Ferb.

(Ferb begins to fold up their interrogation room setup)

Owner: Can I take this makeup off now?

(Scene shifts to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated)

Doofenshmirtz: I can't believe how lucky I was at that garage sale, someones personal collection of on-off switches. Score! (Begins trying the switches on his -inator) Hmm, looks like this one doesn't fit, more where that came from. Nope. How 'bout this? Come on, Papa needs a band new -inator. (Gets hit in the head with a rubber duck) Oh! what the--? Perry the Platypus, are you making your own keys now? Oh, you like all the stuff I got at the garage sale? Want to know what else I got? This lobster trap!

(A lobster trap falls on Perry, trapping him.)

Doofenshmirtz: (Laughs evilly) Yeah, anyway, sorry I can't tell you my evil scheme, because I... I don't know what this does yet. I'm still looking for an on-off switch. Life was much simpler when I worked as a lawn gnome.

(Scene shifts to Charlene's house)

Vanessa: Mom!

Charlene: Yes, dear?

Vanessa: Have you seen my little Mary McGuffin Doll?

Charlene: Could it be the one I just put in the box for Charitable Charities?

Vanessa: Oh no, Dad gave that to me.

Charlene: Well, I'm sorry I didn't know. But I think the truck is still out there.

Vanessa: (She runs out the door, passing Phineas, Ferb and Candace as they come up.) Wait! Sam! I want to retain a portion of my mother's charitable donation!

Phineas: (Talking to Charlene) Hello ma'am. We'd like to ask you a few questions.

Charlene: Are you with the census?

Phineas: No, ma'am, today we're detectives.

Charlene: Aren't you a little young to be detectives?

Phineas: If it's all the same to you ma'am, we'll ask the questions.

Charlene: Oh, okay come on in. Would you kids like some apple juice?

Phineas: That would be nice ma'am.

(In the same interrogation set up as before)

Phineas: Alright lady, what do you know about the little Mary McGuffin doll? (takes a sip of apple juice)

Charlene: You too? Well like I told my daughter, I gave it to charity.

Phineas: And?

Charlene: Well... nothing, that's it. The Charitable Charities truck just left, that have a few locations 'round town, so I'm not sure which one they're going to.

Phineas: Alright Ferb, pack it up. We've got some charities to visit. But I think we're going to need to update our approach.

Phineas: (Narrating during a montage asking Charitable Charities if that had the doll) We checked out act of the charitable charities in Danville, using every cop persona we could think of. In every case, it seemed we had the wrong location.

Charitable Charities Manager 3: Aren't you kids a little young to know about all these old detective shows?

Phineas: Yes, yes we... (Pauses and puts on sunglasses in a Horatio Caine like fashion) ...are.

YEAH!

(In rock and roll/CSI: Miami style) Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, man, how many different kinds of on-off switches can there be? I mean, look at this. An octagon? And one shaped like the Statue of Liberty? That doesn't even make sense. Oh, and here's one. The exact same size and shape that I'm looking for except it's upside-down. I mean, the words are actually printed upside-down. What kind of a dummkopf would invent an upside-down... switch...that... (Pauses, sighs, and flips the switch so that it's right-side-up.) I did it! Time to find out what this bad boy can do! (He flips the switch) On.

(Perry's lobster trap opens and he climbs out of it)

Doofenshmirtz: (Not realizing what is happening) Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Augh, I'm herring a clanking voice, so I know it's doing something. (Realizes that the -inator opens the lobster trap) Oh, the -inator and the cage they're connected. It's just, opens and closes the... Well I guess that's why I got the cage for free.

(Perry grabs onto Doofenshmirtz, and throws him into a pile of junk)

Doofenshmirtz: Hey! I was talking! (Doofenshmirtz begins to sword battle with Perry, with a moose antler, and a marlin) Take that, and that! Hey lets see if you can take a couple hits, from the 70's! (Begins to throw record at Perry, who avoids them, and hides behind a painting) Ahh, that takes me back... Hey where'd you go? Yow! Is that, that shark's head? Are you trying to make me cry? Wait hold on one second here, just a second. It occurs to me that all this does is open and close a lobster cage, so it's not evil, much less illegal. Besides, I've run out of clever fighting puns so... Curse you Perry the Platypus.

(At a Charitable Charities)

Candace: There she is! My little Mary McGuffin Doll!

''(Reaches for it buts someone else also does)  (Speaking to Vanessa, who was also grabbing for the doll) I'm sorry, but this is my'' doll.

Vanessa: No, it ended up here by mistake, and it's actually my doll.

Candace: You might think it's your doll, but it's not. I'm going to have to ask you to pleas let go!

Vanessa: You please let go.

Candace: You let go!

Ferb: (to Phineas) This is exactly why they took that doll off the market.

(Candace and Vanessa fall over, from fighting over the doll, and it goes flying, landing in Sally's arms)

Sally: Look. She's perfect, and I just love her.

Candace: Oh, forget it. I guess I'm too old for dolls anyway.

Vanessa: Yeah, maybe I don't really have to have the one object my dad spent years to find in order to show me his affection. (pause) No, actually I do. (at Sally) Give me that, kid!

(Vanessa takes the doll and leaves Sally crying)

Doofenshmirtz: (talking to Vanessa on the phone) So you just took it from the little girl and left her there crying? Wow, that is evil! Honey, I am so proud of you! It felt good didn't it? Yeah, we can build on this.

Not so bad a dad after all

End credits
(Song: Not So Bad A Dad)

You were a sub-standard dad

But the only one I had

I grew up hearing your evil scheming down the hall.

But this piece of plastic in my hand

Makes me finally understand

Maybe you're not so bad a dad

Not so bad a dad after all...