Does This Smell Funny to You?


 * Alan: Hiking?
 * Jake: TV.
 * (Doorbell rings)
 * Alan: I'll get it.
 * Jake: TV. "We decided to watch TV."
 * (Alan opens the door)
 * Alan: Hello.
 * Norman: It's your name Harper?
 * Alan: Yes.
 * Norman: Then this is for you.
 * (Norman pokes Alan in the stomach with his cane)
 * Alan: Oh! Why'd you do that?
 * Norman: Why did you sleep with my wife?
 * Alan: Charlie!
 * (Alan knocks on a door)
 * Charlie: Busy!
 * Alan: I don't care Open the door.
 * Charlie: I've got company.
 * Alan: I know. And her husband's downstairs.
 * Charlie: Really? You're married?
 * Natalie: Yeah.
 * Charlie: I'm not in.
 * Alan: You have to come downstairs and deal with him.
 * Charlie: No, I don't.
 * Alan: Yes, you do.
 * Charlie: I disagree.
 * Alan: It's not up for debate. he knows you're up here.
 * Charlie: Oh man, I hate when this happens.
 * Alan: This happens a lot?
 * Charlie: Not a lot, but enough to be a drag.
 * Natalie: Charlie, are you coming to bed?
 * Charlie: Yes.
 * Alan: Yes? No yes. There's an angry husband in your living room.
 * Charlie: How angry? Is he packing?
 * Alan: What?!
 * Charlie: Does he have a weapon?
 * Alan: He has a stick.
 * Charlie: Oh, that's not good I could lose an eye.
 * Alan: Charlie! Come on!
 * Charlie: Fine, I'll wrap it up here. Give me 20 minutes.
 * Alan: Oh, no, I have a better idea. Wrap it up now.
 * Charlie: Ten minutes.
 * Alan: Now!
 * Charlie: We got five minutes.
 * Jake: "The weekend was going great, but then something really bad happened." Hey.
 * Norman: Hello.
 * Jake: Who are you?
 * Norman: I'm Norman.
 * Jake: I'm Jake. Have you seen my Game Boy?
 * Norman: No, Have you seen my wife?
 * Jake: No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
 * Norman: Ditto.
 * Jake: "I coudn't believe it.I lost my Game Boy."
 * (sympathetic groans)


 * Alan: He'll be right down.
 * Norman: Thank you.
 * Alan: Can I get you a cup of coffee?
 * Norman: Decaf. I'm already pretty enraged.
 * Alan: Well, uh, that's certainly understandable. I have cookies, too.
 * Norman: I wouldn't say no to a cookie.
 * Alan: Good. Come on in the kitchen. I always find a nice cookie can brighten up even the darkest day.
 * Norman: Yeah, well, this better be one hell of a cookie. It's a nice house you got here.
 * Alan: Thank you. Actually, it belongs to my... Do you live in the neighborhood?
 * Norman: Bel Air.
 * Alan: Oh? Oh, that's nice, too.
 * Norman: Gated community, but the wife gets out anyway.
 * Alan: Chews through her leash, huh? Hey let me get you that cookie.
 * Norman: You seem like a nice fella. I'm sorry I hit you with my stick.
 * Alan: Oh, that's okay. I'm sorry my brother is... That's okay. So... women, huh? Can't live with 'em... That's all I got.
 * Norman: You married?
 * Alan: Divorced.
 * Norman: She sleep around?
 * Alan: No, mostly just slept.
 * Norman: You're lucky. There's no pain greater than being betrayed by the women you love. You know, these are really very tasty.
 * Alan: Aren't they?
 * Berta: Morning.
 * Alan: Oh, speaking of tasty cookies. Norman, this is Berta.
 * Norman: Hello.
 * Berta: What is this, a fix-up?
 * Alan: No, no, uh, nothing like that.
 * Berta: That's good, 'cause I'd probably kill him. Nothing personal, Cotton Top, I just kind of like it rough.
 * Alan: Have another cookie.
 * Norman: Thank you.
 * Berta: So is anybody gonna tell me what's going on?
 * Alan: Well, it's a little complicated. Um, Charlie...
 * Berta: Got it.
 * Alan: Got it? How could you get it?
 * Berta: There's a Rolls Royce in the driveway, and I found these hanging on the mailbox. So I'm guessing that your brother's got some bimbo upstairs and Norman here is her daddy or her sugar daddy. Tell me I'm wrong.
 * Norman: I'm the husband.
 * Berta: Judges?
 * Norman: You gotta give it to her.
 * Berta: Yes! I mean, tough break.
 * Norman: Thank you.
 * Berta: You got a gun?
 * Norman: No.
 * Berta: Want one?
 * Alan: Berta!
 * Berta: I'm making small talk.


 * Jake: Hey.
 * Natalie: Hello.
 * Jake: Were you just up in Uncle Charlie's room?
 * Natalie: Yeah.


 * Jake: Well, can you go look? Can't you just dry off and put on a robe. There's another $25 chip in it for you.
 * Charlie: She wasn't wearing a ring and there was no mention of a husband.
 * Norman: Is that supposed to cheer me up?
 * Charlie: No, no, no, I Just wanted you to know...
 * Norman: No, I get it. You're a nice guy, and I married a skeevy tramp.
 * Charlie: No, no, no. I mean, I am a nice guy, but I'm sure Annette is a lovely woman.
 * Norman: Her name is Natalie.
 * Charlie: Really? You sure?
 * Norman: Yes, I'm sure,
 * Charlie: Cause I've been yelling "Annette" all night.
 * Norman: Her name is Natalie.
 * Charlie: Well, then, maybe this is all just a huge misunderstanding and I've been upstairs doing someone else's wife.
 * Norman: 5; 6", long brown hair, butterfly tattoo on her left hip.
 * Charlie: Left hip, huh? Well, hold on now, a lot of women have butterfly tattoos. But the one I slept with also had a little beauty mark in a certain intimate place...
 * Norman: I'm not here to claim a lost wallet.
 * Charlie: Okay, Let's just assume it's her. Again, I am really sorry.
 * Norman: It's my own fault anyway. I should have realized back when I married her a man my age couldn't satisty a woman that young.
 * Charlie: If it makes you feel any better, I couldn't ring her bell either.
 * Norman: You're kidding.
 * Charlie: You don't know me, but there's certain things I don't kid about.
 * Norman: So it's not just me? That's a relief.
 * Charlie: Tell me about it. I was killing myself up there. So anyway, are we okay?
 * Norman: You mean aside from the fact that you just rollws of my wife? Oh, yeah, we're aces.
 * Charlie: Good. Thank you.
 * Norman: Can I give you a little advice, kid?
 * Charlie: Sure.
 * Norman: I was a player once, like you.
 * Charlie: Do tell.
 * Norman: Does the name Tuesday Weld mean anything to you?
 * Charlie: No.
 * Norman: Joey Heatherton?
 * Charlie: No.
 * Norman: The immortal Miss Anne Francis? TV's Honey West?.
 * Charlie: Sorry.
 * Norman: Well, look 'em up on your internet. They were all hot and I nailed 'em.
 * Charlie: Really? Well, kudos.
 * Norman: But nothing lasts forever. There's going to come a time when you'll want to settle down. I only hope you don't make the same mistake I did. I picked a young hottie 'cause I figured I'd die in the sack with a smile on my face.
 * Charlie: That's my retirement plan.
 * Norman: But it doesn't work that way. What happens is... you get your heart broken, and you wind up having a coffee klatsch with some putz who never heard of Honey West.
 * Charlie: Got it. Thanks for the advice.
 * Norman: Yeah, well, I'll be getting home now. I've got lawyers to call, locks to change. Mayebe I'll stop off at the market, pick up some of those cookies.
 * Charlie: Here, take the box.
 * Norman: Oh, thanks. Looks like I'm the big winner around here today.
 * Evelyn: Hello? Anybody home?
 * Norman: Hello.
 * Evelyn: Hello, who are you?
 * Norman: Norman.
 * Evelyn: Oh, hello, Norman. I'm Evelyn. Is that your magnificent Rolls Royce out in the drive?
 * Norman: Why, yes, it is.
 * Evelyn: Are you a friend of Charlie's?
 * Norman: No. But my wife is.
 * Evelyn: Did my son...polish your trophy wife? Well, you seem like a very intelligent men. I assume you had an airtight prenup.
 * Norman: Bulletproof.
 * Evelyn: You know what, Norman? You look a lot like my fifth husband.
 * Norman: Really? How many times have you been married?
 * Evelyn: Four.
 * Norman: Cookie?
 * Jake: "When Grandma came over, "I thought things couldn't get any worse. "But instead of making me visit with her, "she gave my dad money to take me, Uncle Charlie, and Berta to the movies. "We saw the Rob Schneider movie where he plays a stupid guy. "I had popcorn, nachos, and two jumbo red Slurpees. And as you know, you don't buy Slurpees, you rent them." Hurry up, hurry up.
 * Alan: Cool your jets.
 * Berta: And if you can't cool 'em, point nozzle away from me.
 * (Alan opens a door and closed)
 * Alan: Oh, God! Mom! We can't go in there right now.
 * Jake: Why not?
 * Alan: I can't afford to send you to send you to therapy for the rest of your life.
 * Charlie: What's going on? Oh, God!
 * Berta: What? What? What? What? What? What? Good for Nomran.That's getting right back on the horse.
 * Jake: There's a horse in there?
 * Alan: No, no horse.
 * Jake: Well, I still have to pee.
 * Charlie: So go water that bush over there.
 * Jake: "And I did. And it just goes to show...(showing his lost Game-boy) it's always in the last place you look."


 * Charlie: (to Norman) I am so sorry. I had no idea that she was married. Believe me, I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.
 * Berta: Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her.


 * Jake: My weekend starts on Friday when my mom takes me to my dad's house, which is actually my uncle Charlie's house, who is my dad's brother, making him my uncle. His name is Charlie, which is why I call him my uncle Charlie.


 * Jake: If I was a Game Boy, where would I be?