Oil Drums

2x38 - "Oil Drums" [OPENING THEME PLAYING] Oooooh yeah! I got three letters for you tonight! ROBIN: BLT? BEAST BOY: VIP? STARFIRE: UFO? RAVEN: LOL. CYBORG: No, no, no and no! They are "V" "H" and "S. " That's right. I got VHSes for days! - For days! - Can we watch The Golden Girls? - I love those sassy, old broads! - And I would like to watch The Crosby Pudding Half Hour Show of Sweaters. Theo, get your glorp-nops off the kitchen table. Rudy! Let's watch Alf again. I love Alf. Yes, eat that cat, Alf, eat him. He's hiding in the kitchen drawer, Alf. But be patient. Savor the hunt, you beast! I want to watch me some Manimal. A guy that can turn into animals, that's so cheeseball. [BLEATING] Those are all great shows. But tonight we are watching The A-Team! "A" is the highest of letters, it must be the best. It's about four cool dudes who ride around in a van with a stripe! - I love stripes! Was it red? - You know it was red! And they would protect the innocent from bad guys. Oh. Kind of like us. Except they weren't lame! They made cool weapons out of junk, like oil drums and pieces of discarded metal - and oil drums! - That sounds so awesome! It was! Now, let's get this party started! Where's the remote? I have not seen the remote controller. - I don't know. - Beats me. - Psh, I don't know. - It's probably just in the couch cushion. Ew. [BIRD SQUAWKING] Have you seen the remote, Sticky Joe? - Howdy! - Then you're useless to us! Beat it, Sticky Joe. Beat it! [HYPERVENTILATING] It's not here. The remote. It's not here! [WAILING] Hey, it's okay, Cyborg. We can just use the buttons on the TV. The buttons? The buttons! You're right! The TV's got all sorts of buttons for things. [BUTTONS BEEPING] [STAMMERING] Menu [GIBBERISH] Would you relax? The remote will turn up eventually. We'll watch The A-Team some other time. This is not about The A-Team. Or Charles in Charge, or Webster, or Small Wonder, or Silver Spoons, or Out of This World, or Magnum, P. I., or MacGyver, or Perfect Strangers, or Facts of Life, or Happy Days, or Who's the Boss? or Head of the Class, or Too Close for Comfort, or Knight Rider, or Dukes of Hazzard, or Greatest American Hero. Cyborg, gimme a break. Without TV I don't know what to do with myself. It's just TV, Cyborg. "Just TV"? The best moments of my life have been sitting in front of that guy. He teaches me life lessons, made me laugh, and filled lots of empty time. Wow. You [CLEARS THROAT] You sound like a crazy person. I think we should use this opportunity to take a break from TV. What?! Why would we want to do that?! Because concerned parents have theorized for decades - that TV rots the brain! - Well, that's obviously ridiculous. TV keeps your brain active, healthy and strong. I don't know, dude. If a parent said it, it has to be true. Then, instead of watching TV we're gonna spend our time hanging out with each other! - Yes! - Yes! [CLOCK TICKING] Without TV you really notice how long every second is. Are you serious? How many more of those are there before we go to sleep? Approximately 32,000. Oh, I am not doing this 32,000 more times! All right, we need an activity to occupy our time. Let's engage in some meaningful conversation. How do you meaningfully conversate, bro? We just express our thoughts and feelings with words. - Oh. - Thoughts - Yeah. - Hmm. - All right. - Great. Uh, I'll start. Um [CLEARS THROAT] Good afternoon. These are a nice day for things. Um [CLEARS THROAT] Hi, I'm a person. I know when I do things. - One time I saw. - Uh You guys, uh, remember things? - So fun when we Right? - Yeah. [ALL LAUGHING FORCEFULLY] [SCREAMING] We have to find the remote and watch TV. Now! Don't panic, Titans. We just have to do whatever people did for fun before TV. - Like a parade? - Oh, I've heard of those. - This is a parade? - It's just people walking! And why are the automobiles traveling so slowly? Is it deliberate? To make it the boring? Don't tell me that's another marching band! It's just marching band, after marching band, - after marching band! - Whoa! Look at him spin that baton! Okay, I'm over it. [ALL BOOING] CYBORG: I can't, I can't. I can't take anymore parades or terrible conversations! Let's just find the remote and watch Murder, She Wrote. That's just going to rot your brain, Cyborg. Instead, let's use these new seconds we have to pursue fulfilling activities that enrich our lives. Beast Boy, haven't you always wanted to learn - to play keyboard? - Just don't have the time, brah. Now you do! [BEAST BOY SHRIEKS] And Raven, haven't you always wanted to be a bodybuilder? - No. - Now you can! Star, you've always wanted to do volunteer work for the poor, but didn't want to miss your favorite shows. There are so many of the poor people, but even more of the shows to watch. Now we can all follow our passions. Because without TV, we have nothing better to do! Titans, go! [MUSIC PLAYING] [PLAYING NOTE] Who wants tapas? Mmm. My friends at the kitchen of soup would love this recipe! - [DEEP VOICE] Great source of protein. - You said it, mama. Look at us, Titans. We did it! We filled time! So many seconds went by, yo! So why do we feel so empty inside? Maybe it's because learning to play the keyboard didn't teach you about friendship. And volunteering didn't make you a better person. And there's nothing funny about bodybuilding. - You can say that again. - Only TV can give us those things! Life without TV is meaningless. The Teen Titans are supposed to be heroes, but the real hero is television. Can I get a "Turn it on"? ALL: Turn it on! [SNIFFING] Hey, what's that smell? [SNIFFING] Oh, that's not right. - Ew. - Yeah. - I do not understand. - No, no, no! [SNIFFING] Uh, this is bad! [EXCLAIMING] Your brains, they are rotting! - But we haven't been watching TV. - Exactly! Just as I suspected! TV keeps your brain from rotting by feeding it information and good times. [SNIFFING] Huh, but your brain doesn't stink, Cyborg. It's because I have watched so much quality programming, my brain is stronger than yours. Then the rest of us need to get in front of a TV before our brains rot away completely. But the device that controls remotely is still missing. Then we improvise. Just like The A-Team! [MUSIC] I love it when a plan comes together. What plan? That's not a TV. Just look. It's a show about plants. - This is just as good as anything on TV! - Ooh, ooh! Can we change the channel? - I wanna watch something else! - No problem. How about The Cockroach Show? I wanna watch the show about wall. Which one are you talking about, Rave? - You know, the one about wall. - Oh, right. The Wall Show. Huh. Is that stain new, or from the last episode? I think it's new. Oh, look! It's a crossover episode from The Cockroach Show. [SNIFFS] The smell is getting worse! It's not working, Cyborg. How about now? How about now?! [GROANING] [SCREAMING] Your brains! They've completely rotted. [GROANING] It's so nice out. [SCREAMING] Let's go for a hike. [GROWLING] Join us for a game of miniature golf, brah. [GROANING] I'm taking a French class. [SPEAKING FRENCH] Your rotted brains are making you crazy! No! No! I don't want to do activities! - You can't make me! - Hi-yah! TV? What are you doing here? I've raised countless children, Cyborg, but you have always been my favorite. You might be surprised to know that all those years you spent staring at me, I was staring right back at you. And it's been a joy to help shape you into the man you are today. - I love you, Cyborg. - I love you, too, TV. Now, the only way to save your friends is to reverse their brain rot with quality programming. Then turn yourself on, dude. I don't know how these buttons work. No one does. W-Where's the remote? We lost it. It could be anywhere. Then we're going to have to find it! Let's go! [INAUDIBLE] [GLASS SHATTERING] - Yeah! - Yeah! [MOANING AND GROANING] - So nice out. - I'm taking French class. ROBIN: A hike. [CYBORG YELLS] [CYBORG GRUNTS] [MUMBLES] Huh, What? - Thanks for fixing our brains, TV. - No problem. So, I was thinking, it's such a beautiful day why don't we all go on a hike? Or perhaps, take in some culture at a museum. I'm just messing with ya. Let's watch 18 hours of A-Team! [ALL] Yeah!