Classic Titans

"Classic Titans" [OPENING THEME PLAYING] [MUSIC] The burritos [BARKS] are out of control, Baby Jack! [GROWLING] [SIGHS] We should've listened to that donkey. [BURRITO YELLS] There's only one way to deal with burritos. [BARKS] BOTH: Eat 'em! [BARKING] [ALL LAUGHING] Love it. Classic. "Babies vs Dogs" is such an awesome show, yo. - It is the fun! - It's hysterical. It's inventive. - It's garbage! - ALL: Control Freak? What's the meaning of this, you sanctimonious sofa spud? Well, you were praising something that I find atrocious. So, I'm here to ruin your enjoyment of it by pointing out its flaws. ALL: No! The colors are so bright, it's like a rainbow puked all over the screen. - Come on! - They're supposed to be heroes but all they do is tell jokes! [WHIMPERS] - Well, like you're an authority [STAMMERING] - And speaking of jokes, the humor is random and not funny at all. [CRYING] [ARGUING INDISTINCTLY] What? I feel bad for kids today. Superhero cartoons used to be so much better. They had everything. Action, adventure, drama. Actually, those old superhero cartoons were terrible. People only watched them because there was nothing else on TV. [GASPS] You Philistines! I won't waste my breath explaining to you why classic superhero cartoons are superior. I'll show you. [60'S THEME PLAYING] NARRATOR: Make way for the Teen Titans. A quintet of triumphant teenage talent. Robin, boy wonder with a multitude of glorious gadgets. [EXPLODING] Cyborg, a mighty mixture of machine and man. Raven, a mystical magician. Beast Boy, the missing link between man and beast. [BRAYS] And Starfire, fast and strong alien warrior princess. A fearless fivesome fighting crime in their prime. They are the Teen Titans. Go! We're in the tower but it's been altered. Holy hard drives, so have we. Our heads are proportional to our bodies now. [STRUGGLING] But I can only move my head and arms. Only the eyes and the mouth are doing the movements. Suffering servos, me too. Why do you keep saying stuff like "suffering servos," Cyborg? I don't know, I'm trying to say other stuff but I can't. [GROANING] Galloping gigawatts. [GROANING] Flying fiber optics. [GROANING] Our appearance, movement, and speech have all been altered. Ooh, lookin' good. Like real superheroes. What have you done to us, you wretched rapscallion? I've put you in the very first Teen Titans cartoon. CONTROL FREAK: When you clowns used to be good! If it's so good, why can we barely move? Because the budgets for old cartoons were so low, they didn't have the money for fancy animation. CONTROL FREAK: It has a certain charm, don't you think? I can only turn into one animal, yo. [BLEATING] Release us or suffer the consequences. Not until you've learned to appreciate the quality of this classic cartoon. Enjoy your adventure, Titans. I think this is going to be your best episode to date. Freak out. Curses! We must escape this place. - I wish to move more of the body parts. - Me, too. I'm sick of just turning my head side to side. You heard Control Freak. Our only escape is to play out this adventure. But how will we know when the adventure is to begin? [EXPLODING] NARRATOR: Suddenly Titans Tower finds itself under attack by strange flying beasts. CYBORG: Shivering shock absorbers, we're under attack by dinosaurs! And I thought things couldn't get any worse. Don't worry, gang. A stun Birdarang will bring these overgrown pigeons down to Earth. [ROARS] [EXPLODING] [ROARING] Looks like they're headed to a mysterious island in unchartered waters. Let's follow them in the T-Jet, gang. NARRATOR: And so the Teen Titans find themselves en route to a mysterious island in search of the robot dinosaurs. - Hey, who said that? - That's the narrator. He explains things to the audience. Dancing diodes, isn't that just lazy storytelling? NARRATOR: The narrator took offense at this comment. It is not lazy storytelling. He is setting the mood. Nah, you's bein' lazy. Every writer knows you are supposed to do the showing and not the telling. NARRATOR: How do you show with a limited budget? These stories would make no sense if I weren't here, explaining everything. I am not the problem. I am the glue holding everything together. The narrator stopped defending himself because the Titans had arrived at the mysterious island. Golly, gosh, gee, gosh, gosh, gosh, gee. This island is the big. ROBIN: We still need to find those dinosaurs. I'll used my dinosaur tracking Birdarang. - You have one of those? - Of course. Wow, everything is really convenient in this story. [EXPLODING] It's that way. NARRATOR: And so, the Titans find themselves at the lair of the dinosaurs. How would you know that if I didn't tell you, hmm? You're welcome. Be quiet, Titans. We need to remain undetected. NARRATOR: The Titans quietly entered the - I said quiet! - NARRATOR: Sorry. [BEEPING] And I thought things couldn't get any worse. [EVIL LAUGHTER] Welcome to your doom, interlopers. You must be the one-dimensional villain that will never be seen again after this episode. I am Doctor Otto von Death, and I am anything but one-dimensional. You see, I've created a dinosaur army which I plan to launch all over the world using my rocket. And like the asteroids that rained down and wiped out the dinosaurs, so too will my dinosaur army rain down and wipe out the human race. [CACKLING] Sure doesn't get more one-dimensional than that. I am not one-dimensional! [LAUGHING] Then tell us why you wants to destroy the world with dinosaurs, yo. It's Not easy to say exactly. I grew up a strange boy not like the rest. It wasn't easy. I wanted a normal life. Went to college, got married, had kids, you know. But these days, my wife is always on my case about something or the other. My daughter moved to Colorado with her boyfriend. Said she couldn't live another day in my house. [LAUGHING] My son isn't working or going to school. He just sits in his room on the computer all day. I don't even know what he's doing in there. On top of all this, I was turned down for term life insurance because of my high cholesterol. So, I suppose all of this end of the human race stuff is really just a reflection of my desire to put an end to my own misery. [CACKLING] Bubbling backstory. That's some depth. Oh, give me a break, Otto. So life dealt you a crummy hand. Get over it! Now you sound like my wife. It's time I put an end to you pests. [BEEPS] [ALL GASP] [CHOMPING] [LAUGHING] Now, to launch my dinosaur rocket and destroy the world! [LAUGHING] [CHOMPING] Oh, no. How are the Teen Titans going to get themselves out of this one? Shall we the go? Oh, right. The heroes always escape these death traps. We've got a world to save. Titans, go! - ROBIN: Stop right there. - Ah, the Teen Titans? We are putting an end to this experiment. [GRUNTS] Not if my T-Rex puts an end to you first. [LAUGHS] [ROARING] Oh, oh, oh! It looks like we're headed for an epic climax! Let's do it, Titans! [ROARS] An ice Birdarang should down this dino! [EXPLODING] [ROARS] A fire Birdarang should down this dino! [EXPLODING] [ROARS] An electric Birdarang should down this dino! [EXPLODING] [ROARS] - An - Ah! Enough with the Birdarangs already. My turn. [ROARS] - [SCOFFS] Is that all? - I gots this. Time for the big guns, yo. [LAUGHS] Here we go! [BLEATING] Oh, I was hoping you would turn into something more impressive. - I shall destroy the dinosaur! - Ooh! [ROARS] Ah! This is so disappointing. [ROARING] You were right, Titans. These old superhero cartoons are hard to watch now. But on a positive note, it looks like that T-Rex is going to destroy you once and for all! [LAUGHS] [ROARS] Think again. Azarath metrion zinthos! - What? - Go get'em, boys. [LAUGHING] I used to think the character design of those babies was stupid. But now I realize their simplicity enables them to be much more expressive! [CRIES] Ow, ow, ow. [GROWLING] [ROARS] [BARKS] The animation on those dogs is very interesting. [SCREAMING] [THUD] [GROANS] [BEEPING] Let's get out of here, gang. [BEEPING] We did it, team. - ALL: Yeah! - Woof, woof! We's back, yo. [EXCLAIMS TRIUMPHANTLY] I learned something today, Titans. Not everything old is good. Not everything new is bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get it. NARRATOR: Now back to Babies vs Dogs all day marathon! [ALL CHEERING]