Helen Potts

(Dog barking)

Somebody's got to muzzle that dog or rescue Timmy from the well.

It's Larabee's German Shepherd.

Every morning this week.

Damn dog's giving Germans a bad name.

I'm surprised the Shirazis' French poodle hasn't surrendered.

(Barking continues)

(Groans)

(Sighs) I'm up. I'm up.

Might as well go to pilates.

If I get there early enough, I can take the class with the pregnant women.

It's easier, and I get to feel skinny.

Hey. Honey, you'll suffocate.

I'll take sleep however I can get it!

(Barking continues)

Hey, good morning. Hey, hi.

Uh, you want to take a look at the water pressure in the sink?

It's down to a trickle.

Well, the house and I were built about the same time, so maybe we both need a prostate exam.

Hey, want to take a pilates class with me, huh?

Lots of men in the class.

Nah, I don't think pilates and men go together except for men that go together.

(Knock on door) Oh, hey, Chuck, come on in.

Well, if it isn't my alarm clock.

Hey, Baxter, I just got your text about lady's barking.

All caps?

Better watch your tone, man.

Take care of that dog.

Remind that German Shepherd who won the war.

Lady only barks when my neighbor starts up that tile saw. I know.

Th-there's something about th-the whine of that thing that just irritates her.

You're a big marine. Go over there and tell that guy to stop doing that.

Well, whose saw is it?

Helen Potts.

You're scared of a guy named Helen.

Oh, I like Helen Potts.

Honey, she lives around the corner.

We get her magazines sometimes, and she never complains when I return them without the perfume samples.

Well, I've tried reasoning with her about the saw, but all she does is start yelling.

I think she's got something against men.

Doesn't like men, uses a tile saw, doesn't use perfume...

I think this picture paints itself.

I believe she's recently divorced.

Well, I could talk to her if you want.

You don't talk to neighbors. It just causes trouble.

That's how we ended up with Shaft here in our kitchen.

I can dig it.

Well, I'm off to pilates.

Or, if the traffic's bad, Dunkin' Donuts.

Have a good day at work. I love you. Bye.

Hey, wait. Wait a minute, Larabee. Wait a minute.

Are you gonna take care of this or not?

I told you... I tried with this woman, and I'm done.

And I've seen enough horror movies to know not to piss off someone with a saw.

Besides, the brother is always the first to go.

All right.

I'll go over there, and I'll take care of it.

I mean, really, why send Shaft when you got Dirty Harry?

Huh?

What's with the bag?

(Chuckles)

Oh, that was a big one! Oh!

(Saw whirring)

Hey! Yo!

(Saw shuts off)

Hey, there.

I'm Mike Baxter. I live on the street next to...

Wow.

Have we met before?

You do look vaguely familiar.

Yeah.

Is this your, uh, tile saw? It's a nice one.

You like tools?

Not as much as I used to.

So, other than making a lot of noise, what are you... what are you doing out here?

Ugh, I got a million things to fix around the house.

My idiot husband thought he was quite the handyman... but mostly, he just set stuff on fire, blew things up, and complained about my cooking.

Sounds like a fun Tuesday night.

You should try putting up with him for eight years.

Eight long years.

The thing is, this saw is making a lot of noise, and it's bothering the dog next door, who's barking and keeping everybody awake.

Is there a way you could just start the sawing a little later in the morning?

Sorry, I do my best work in the morning.

I used to get my best sleep in the morning.

Hi-Dee-ho there, Baxter.

Hey, Larabee.

Doesn't sound like you're doing much better with Helen than I did.

I told you she was a tough one.

Yeah.

Do you have something else on besides that hat?

Maybe it's time for a ...a different approach.

You know, Mike, this reminds me of the ancient Aztecs.

Whenever they had trouble with a neighboring tribe, very often...

Yeah, I got...

Listen, y-you lost me on "hi-Dee-ho."

Give me a minute. Give me a minute.

Excuse me.

You again? (Sighs)

Wow.

You know, you could probably pull this whole place together with a few colorful accent pillows.

My husband is the reason why this place is such a mess.

He was always souping up all of our appliances.

He rewired our waffle iron so it went up to 1,000 degrees.

You know what melts at 1,000 degrees?

A waffle iron.

Listen, if you're gonna saw in the morning, why don't you do all of us a favor and just don't do it on the weekends?

You know, this is America.

I get it.

I can run my tile saw whenever I want.

Actually, in this part of America, there's a law against doing construction work before 7:00 A.M.

So, you're gonna bring the law into this?

Well, I think I...

Wait, wait. Aren't you the guy that has the flagpole?

Yeah.

A pole that size has got to be against some kind of building code.

Yeah, but my pole doesn't wake people up in the morning.

At your age, I'm not surprised.

All right, all right, all right.

So, you take a shot at me, you don't like the American flag...

It's not the American flag that I object to.

It's when you fly your Broncos flag.

I prefer Oakland.

People in Oakland don't even prefer Oakland.

You know, I think it's time for you to leave.

This reminds me of talking to my husband.

You know, if he'd really let himself go.

Oh, there she is ...Mike's youngest.

I-it's Eve.

Well, you seem pretty sure. We'll go with that.

Thanks again for helping me with my assignment, Mr. Alzate.

All right. Fine.

I mean, let the other kids do lame collages on the Vietnam war.

An oral history from an actual vet who was "in country" will blow them away.

(Chuckles)

Yeah, I was there.

I'll never forget the bugs, the heat, and the smell.

Oh, my God, the smell.

(Sighs)

Oh, w-what was the smell?

Hopelessness?

Napalm?

Death?

Tilapia.

Our office in Saigon was over a fish market.

Huh.

Um, well, can you tell me about some of the major battles?

The Tet Offensive was a nightmare.

All right. Here we go.

Tons of paperwork. That's right.

Requisition forms, everything in triplicate.

One month solid... we worked through lunch.

So, you worked in an office?

You... you didn't see any fighting?

Well, I went a couple of rounds with a hand-cranked mimeo machine.

Now, you have to understand, you don't just win a war on the battlefield.

Uh, technically, we didn't win that war.

Can't pin that on the clerical staff...

Everything was filed.

Uh, I guess I don't get it.

I mean, I googled "Ed Alzate" and "Vietnam war" and found all this stuff about you being a hero.

Look.

All right.

Well, th-that's Edward P. Alzate.

I'm Edward A., okay?

That's strange.

(Clears throat)

I mean, there's another Edward Alzate out there?

I guess (Chuckles) my old man was right... I'm not special.

Oh, wait.

It says this Edward Alzate didn't make it home.

Oh.

(Clears throat)

"Edward P. Alzate died in action."

Hmm.

Well, now, so...

Edward P. died while Edward A. survived to live a fortunate life.

Well, that, uh...

That really makes you think.

Hmm.

Makes me think I should get started on that collage.

I should do something to enshrine his memory.

Maybe I could rename my city park in his honor.

You mean, uh, rename the "Ed Alzate park"...

The "Ed Alzate park"?

It's the least I could do for a hero.

It literally is.

(Door opens)

Hey, lover. Hey.

Hey, get this. Get this.

I go to the ATM machine to get cash, right?

Then I go get groceries and scan them on another machine.

I'm, like, living the dream where I don't even have to deal with people.

Yeah, the people are happy about it, too, honey.

Well, lucky for you, I don't mind being friendly, so I went down to see Helen Potts.

Yeah, what a nut bag, huh?

It's amazing a woman with so many tools has so many screws loose.

Hey, how are you?

Hi, Mike.

Hey.

I invited Helen over for drinks.

Yeah. See that. Yeah.

Isn't that great?

Yeah, hope I can get a to-go cup.

Is it safe?

She still here, or did the flying monkeys take her away?

You went to the bathroom, and you never came back.

Where were you hiding?

I'm not telling you in case she comes back.

Well, Helen and I had a great time.

I really admire the way she's moved on since her husband left.

Do we really know that he's left?

We'd have to dig up that whole backyard to be perfectly sure.

Honey, you know, you embarrassed me.

I mean, I'm down here telling her what a great guy you are, and you're upstairs hiding in the...

Linen closet?

(Chuckling) Nice try.

Hey.

Hi, honey.

Mike: Hi, Kris.

You know, let me ask you something...

When you have girlfriends over, does Ryan disappear for three hours?

He disappears into the bedroom.

See?

Then he reappears with his guitar, providing the unrequested soundtrack to our book club.

If I ever meet Seals or Crofts, I'm gonna beat the crap out of them.

Is that what you want?

I can play "little brown jug" on a recorder.

Just, next time you see Helen, make an effort, huh?

Please? For me?

Left a lot of friends behind when I quit my job.

I wish you'd bring those friends home again...

Ben Franklin, Andrew Jackson.

Those guys start showing up again, I'll come out of the upstairs closet.

Damn it! Ha! Ha!

How'd your interview with Ed go?

Not great.

You don't expect to fall asleep during a guy's war stories.

I was kind of afraid of that.

Ed's military experience is less "platoon" and more "full metal filing cabinet."

He did cut his tongue licking envelopes once.

I guess I could call that a head wound.

You know, Ed wasn't drafted. He enlisted, you know.

So, it really wasn't his choice of where they found him most valuable.

Mm, there's that sleepy feeling again.

(Sighs)

Good night, Vietnam.

Dad (Sighs) Ed's just not a hero.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

You want to meet some more heroes?

Go to the VFW on Wednesday nights.

Ask Larabee. He'll take you.

Well, why Wednesday?

It's busy down there... A lot of guys down there.

Make sure you talk to the bartender.

He can open a beer bottle with his eye socket.

They call him Pop.

Helen: I couldn't get up then. (Chuckles)

Hey. Honey, look who's here.

I know who's here. I could hear the "Jaws" theme.

Oh, Mike!

How was boot camp?

You know, if you want someone to yell at you and call you maggot, I would do that here for free.

I think getting yelled at by Diego is the only reason Helen goes.

I would drop and give him 20 of whatever he wants.

Come on. It's a kitchen.

We eat food in here.

So, what are you fixing over there?

Actually, uh, we got no pressure, and I think there's a clog somewhere.

Well, let me have a look.

Faucets are simple to fix. Even a man could do it.

Really?

Don't worry, Vanessa.

(Straining) I'll make sure this gets done right.

Hey, Helen, if you want to stick your head in something else, why don't you try the oven?

This faucet nut is stuck.

Well, that shouldn't be a problem.

I'm sure you have a lot of experience twisting off nuts.

You know (Sighs)

You remind me of why I enjoy being single.

You should try it sometime, Vanessa. Mm.

Uh, do you got any, uh, WD-40?

Uh, well, if it's really that stuck, I think maybe you might need some, uh... some WD-80.

(Both chuckle)

Don't laugh at that. She'll just do more of those.

I thought it was funny.

Yeah. No, you didn't. Listen, I know what it is.

It's not really the bolt down there.

It's this. It already comes out.

Whoa!

What'd you do down here?!

I turned off the water!

No, you turned it on! I had it turned off!

Well, how was I supposed to know that?

Guys, it's okay. It's only water.

Well, because right is tight, left is...

You don't know what you're doing. Oh...

I don't know why your husband left you all these tools.

You don't know how to use these things.

(Sighs) Vanessa, I'm sorry.

I really enjoyed getting to know you...

And Diego...

But life is too short for me to waste my time around him.

Wait, Helen.

(Sighs)

Congratulations.

You know what? You just drove away my new friend.

It's not my fault.

She probably can't get wet.

She'll melt.

Oh, honey.

Oh, hey, honey. Hi.

Want to take a spin class with me later?

Nah, I'm naturally slender.

Feel free to hate me.

A lot of people do. (Chuckles)

(Sighs)

Oh, I thought Helen was your new gym buddy.

Ah, well, your dad wrecked that.

He's not into meeting new people.

Or old people.

Or, really, any people.

It's better for you that dad doesn't have any other friends vying for his attention.

Argo, you get to be the center of his universe.

(Clicks tongue)

Wow, yeah, I never would've looked at it that way.

I know.

I hear that a lot when I say things.

I guess I should be flattered that I'm the only person your dad wants to spend time with.

Yeah.

Thanks for taking the bullet for the rest of us.

(Chuckling) That was so much fun.

Mike: Yeah.

You really know your way around a hardware store.

Next time, I'll wear my red vest...

We get the employee discount.

You guys went to the hardware store together.

No, actually ran into each other at the hardware store.

Mike was like a 12-year-old.

While we were waiting in line, he had them page Pat Magroin.

Hey, you laughed at that.

Isn't that our supermarket joke?

Well, it really works anywhere there's an intercom and no employee named Pat Magroin.

Listen, I got Helen a little peace offering for the other day.

Wow.

Wow, a saw blade.

Easiest way to a woman's heart.

And the rest of her vital organs.

Hey, you feel like taking a spin class with me later?

Oh, I'd love to, but I can't.

Mike and I have a project.

Oh, that reminds me, I need to borrow your 3/4-inch spade bit.

Uh, I have one in the workbench.

It's sit... I can get it.

Well, I think I know what it looks like.

She has a tankless water heater. I told her I'd help her put it in.

It's a "tankless" job, but somebody's got to do it.

(Chuckles lightly)

That's... Just...

That's a funny, classic way to put that, you know?

(Chuckles)

What is going on with you, huh?

Uh, lis-listen. "Tankless job"?

But if I made that joke, you would've sent me to my room and told me to think about what I'd done.

Listen, I got to tell you something about about Helen.

No, honey, I-I know I asked you to be friendly, but...

But you're not this friendly with anyone, not even the Omaha steaks guy.

Vanessa, please, just listen to me. No, no, no.

You listen. You listen.

I-I don't want to sound petty, but...

You're just about to. (Sighs) This is weird.

It's like you went out of your way to steal my new friend.

I mean, that is the only possible reason I can think of for you being nice to her.

Her husband died.

(Exhales sharply) Or that reason.

Wow.

I mean, what do you mean he died?

Like, he left her.

Well, he left everybody.

That's what happens when you have a massive heart attack.

Listen, he died about six or eight months ago.

She never told me, uh...

I don't think she knows I know.

The guy at the hardware store told me about it, which I felt very embarrassed 'cause I had just asked him to page Pat Magroin.

I mean, why didn't she tell me?

If you died, I would've told everyone.

Let's not get that party started yet, okay?

A lot of people grieve in different ways. Yeah.

Maybe she doesn't want people feeling sorry for her because her husband had died.

Oh, yeah, but now I do feel sorry for her.

Don't.

Ugh.

This is why I don't talk about it.

I just got so sick of seeing that pitying look on people's faces.

Yeah. That one.

(Sighs) Helen, I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry a-about your husband, about my face ...all of it.

Don't be.

He was a great guy.

I was lucky to have the time that I had with him.

The idiot that wrecked your kitchen?

Yeah, well, he was an idiot.

But he was my idiot.

Just like you're Vanessa's idiot.

And...

She's my idiot.

(Laughs)

Oh, we used to, you know, bicker back and forth like you and I have been doing, Mike.

And I... Miss it.

Of course, he was way more clever.

Well, he...

Probably had better writers.

(Chuckles)

Well, he was a lot of fun.

You know, just ask anybody on our street.

The Nielsens loved him.

Helen, stop me if this makes you uncomfortable...

Stop.

You see? This is why you like her...

She's independent, she's strong.

That's why she pretends to be good with tools.

I can handle a tool. That's why you and I get along.

Seriously, you don't know your rasp from a hole in the ground.

Thank you so much. My husband is in a hole in the ground.

Oh, that's...

Kidding!

I had him cremated.

We used that waffle iron.

Helen, I think it's healthy that you're finally able to...

Stop.

I'm gonna help her put in that water heater, and I'll be home.

All right, yeah, 'cause after all, it is a "tankless" job.

Maybe it's the delivery.

Wow.

There are a lot of guys here tonight.

American foreign policy has been very good for the VFW business.

So, uh, which guys were in Vietnam?

White hair and hearing aids are your Korea vets, gray ponytails and beards are your Vietnam vets, Metallica shirts are your Desert Storm guys, and, um, that guy over there drinking a Cosmopolitan was in Grenada.

What about those guys?

Do you think most of them saw combat?

Yeah, but for some of them, the real battle is getting through all the bureaucracy to get their VA benefits.

Oh, that sucks.

Yeah, it does.

But, you know, we got a guy here who helps them out.

Every Wednesday night, he walks vets through all the paperwork and makes sure they get what they were promised.

Been doing it for 30 years.

That's really cool.

Yeah, it is.

Listen, don't beat yourself up over this, all right, Larry?

They always kick this form back.

It's the 21-526ez.

It's the hamburger hill of disability claim forms.

Mr. Alzate?

Yeah, just one s...

Well, look who it is.

I was wondering if I could maybe interview you again.

Me?

I thought you wanted your report to be about a hero.

Yes, I-I do.

Mm.

All right, well, I can't do it right now.

I'm gonna be busy for a little while.

Why don't you go to the bar, get yourself a soda?

You want to see something awesome, have Pop open it for you.

That was rough.

Well, at least the worst part's over.

Now just hook up the electricity and the water, and someone's got to go turn the gas on.

I was talking about your endless hunting story.

Are you sure that bear didn't die of boredom?

Yeah.

Somebody's got to go in the basement, into the crawl space, and turn the gas on.

I was down there, and I'm ...I'm sure I turned it...

Wait a minute.

Righty tighty, right? Lefty loosey.

You know all this stuff.

Well, anyway, go down there. You'll figure it out. Just light a match.

Jeez, I just remembered I got to meet one of my sons for lunch.

Oh, hey.

Mom.

I don't think we've met.

Randy.

Randy. You look familiar.

Hey, Randy. How you doing?

Yeah, I'm Randy. How's it going?

It's good to see you. (Chuckles)

Check you later.

See you later.