High School English

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ Is violence in movies and s*x on TV ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ All the things that make us ♪ ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Hi. It's me, Peter.

You may be wondering what I'm doing in a library.

Well, I actually drove my car into this rich guy's house, and he locked me in here until the police come.

Don't believe me?

I don't know. I just locked him in the library.

Seems like he's on something. He's got crazy eyes and keeps screaming, "I don't care."

I don't care!

Anyway, I've got some time to kill before this room is filled with tear gas, so I thought, "Why not finally read some of the classics I never read in high school."

Here's one right here, The Great Gatsby.

A book by the only respected guy in the world named Scott.

(1920S-ERA JAZZ PLAYING)

Stewie: It was my first summer staying at the shore,

but I had a feeling that I, Nick "The Situation" Carraway,

would fit right in.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING, FROGS CROAKING)

Hey, it's Nick from The Great Gatsby.

I just checked in, and somebody left their teeth here.

I-I don't know, it's just a set of teeth.

I-I guess men's?

No, I'm not putting them anywhere.

You come and get them.

(LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Yecch. The neighbors are having a party with loud jazz music.

Well, at least annoyingly scatting over jazz hasn't been invented yet.

Man: ♪ Bop, bop, bop, ba-ba-bah ♪ ♪ Boop, boop, boop, doo, boo... ♪

Oh, that must have been invented today!

♪ ♪

Hey, whose party is this?

I'm not sure. Women aren't allowed to ask questions yet.

So, what's your name?

Madam, you forget yourself.

♪ ♪

That's when I first laid eyes on him.

Jay Gatsby.

He was clearly playing with himself through his pocket,

but I pretended not to see.

Hello. Welcome to my party.

Name's Gatsby. Good to meet you, old sport.

Yeah, just a wave is fine.

I-I'm your new neighbor, Nick Carraway.

Oh, I hope we weren't too loud, old sport.

Yeah, this "old sport" thing, is this... is this something you're trying out, or is this a keeper?

I just met you, so I want to tell you something very private.

Let's go out to the dock.

♪ ♪

I come down here to think every night and gaze at that green light.

It's where the love of my life lives, Daisy Buchanan.

Um, I hate to break it to you, but that light you've been looking at is a gay gym called The Pump House.

I-I only know that because I saw a coupon that came with my rental.

Um... anyway, Daisy's house is over there.

She's my cousin.

Daisy's your cousin?!

Yeah. Lot of weird coincidences for an American classic, huh?

Wha... I have to see her!

Well, I can set that up.

Um, only thing is she's married.

Yeah, and I hear her husband's a real heel.

Whoa-hoa! Language!

But yeah, I'll set it up.

Um, tea tomorrow at my house, 2:00 p.m.

Great. She's... she's gonna be there, right?

Yeah. Why wouldn't she be there?

I don't know, I'm just getting a funny vibe from you.

You asked me down to the docks alone, and you're getting a funny vibe from me?

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Wow. What an ugly little house.

Oh, yeah, it's not that palace of domestic abuse you live in.

Whassup...?

Oh, my God! Is it really you?

Oh, I've missed you, Daisy. You're as beautiful as ever.

You know what else is beautiful?

My bank account. Boom!

Rich guy.

You're rich now?

Oh, my God, I love that!

I know, right?

Come on, I'll show you my place.

Oh, you're leaving?

But I made all these deviled eggs.

You made?

You know what I meant.

Yeah, you made them. Great job.

(DISHES SHATTER)

(DANCE BAND PLAYING MELLOW JAZZ)

You know, one of the best parts of having an enormous mansion is being able to come out here and get some fresh air.

You know, sometimes I just want to jump off this balcony and into that pool down there.

So do it.

Yeah, I know, right? Do it! (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. Do it.

I know. I totally should, right? Here I go.

One, two, three...

(LAUGHING): Whoa! Can you imagine?

Yeah, I-I can imagine. It would be fun.

You should do it.

If only it were that easy, right?

It is. It looks deep enough.

It's your pool. It's your house.

You can do whatever you want.

I know, right?

Ah, you know what? I can't right now.

My pool guy's cleaning it.

Are you going to bone her?

(BAND PLAYING MELLOW JAZZ)

This is amazing!

I've never seen so many shirts.

D-Do you have enough to, you know, throw?

Yeah, you know, they're actually kind of expensive...

Ah, there she goes.

Shirt! Shirt! Shirt!

Shirt! Shirt!

Okay, five is good.

Five is-is probably good.

Shirt! Shirt!

(CHUCKLES): Were you, uh... were-were you this crazy when we dated before?

Mm, Gatsby, is it?

I've been hearing about your vast newly acquired wealth and your attentions to my wife.

So I thought I would have you over to my equally large and fancy but imperceptibly more classy mansion for an awkward dinner.

And, Nick, have you met Jordan?

She plays golf, and is what kids will someday call a "DUFF."

Hey, yeah. Nice tam-o'-shanter.

I'll drink your finger bowl if you don't want it.

Stewie: In the book, I actually go on a few dates with Jordan.

We're gonna skip all that.

Anyway, like I was saying, you're a trash, 'cause you earned your money a little bit more recently than me.

What are you getting at?

I'm saying I invited you over and sat you next to my wife to say, "Stay away from my wife!"

You know what we should do?

Let's all drunk-drive into Manhattan and get a hotel room and have the same conversation we're having here.

I'm starting to think this isn't a very good book.

I'd like to add another bit of pointless confusion that will make sense later.

Let's everyone drive somebody else's car.

Someone can take my coupe.

I'm riding with Gatsby, I don't care which car.

I'll take someone in Daisy's car.

I don't think Daisy said you could drive her car.

Tom, why don't you take Jay's car?

Who's Jay?

Gatsby.

Okay, I have never heard anyone call him that.

Look, if you're in your own car you're in the wrong car.

All right, you guys get gas.

I got to talk to this random mechanic's horny wife about some business.

Wilson? Gonna need to fill 'er up!

Wilson's wife? Fill 'er up? Get it? (LAUGHS)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

I don't know what they do up there, but they sure do listen to Def Leppard pretty loud.

♪ Gotta photograph, picture of... ♪

(BED SQUEAKING RHYTHMICALLY)

So, seen any good movies lately?

We just saw Woman Tied to Railroad Tracks 5.

Pretty similar to 4.

(BED CONTINUES SQUEAKING)

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Wow, looks like you guys are getting a head start on the Depression here.

(PETER MOANS LOUDLY)

Thanks for stopping by, Mr. Buchanan.

Yeah, sure. Don't tell anyone how bad I look naked.

Have fun raising my b*st*rd.

All right, let's head out.

Wait, but first I want to see if we're in the funny horn era.

(OLD-FASHIONED HORN): Ah-ooga! Ah-ha! We are!

All right, Gatsby, you think you're so hot?

Let me show you how a classy guy does classy stuff.

Hello, room service? I'd like a bottle of your second most expensive champagne.

And I'd like your most expensive bottle.

Wow. Walked right into that one.

Okay, fine. Well, then let's see who has higher socks.

Nya-ha!

Whatever, Tom. None of that matters.

Daisy's in love with me.

In fact, she's never loved you.

Oh, is that so?

Well, I hear Gatsby didn't even fight in World War I.

Wait, why is he calling it that?

Is there gonna be another big war?

I'm sorry, Tom.

That's right. I'm in love with Daisy, and she loves me, old sport.

Would anyone like a deviled egg from a tea I had several days ago?

Well, that was awful.

But I sure do enjoy driving your car instead of you driving it, even though we came in a different car.

Drunk. Don't forget drunk.

You're drunk-driving my car.

Gas and sandwiches!

Get your gas and sandwiches!

(GASPS)

Oh, that must be Tom, since I saw him in that car earlier!

Tom! Tom! It's me!

♪ ♪

Oh-ho, no!

Myrtle!

Where will I ever find another woman with a hotter name than Myrtle?

(SIGHING): All right, pool, do your thing.

You hungover? Uh, a little bit, yeah.

Okay, we're sort of racing to the end here.

And with that, I shall step slightly out of range.

All right, I'm just gonna take a quick swim.

Oh, my God! Where are the stairs?

There's no stairs! I'm never gonna make it!

You were standing earlier in the day next to the car that hit my wife.

(GRUNTING, GROANING)

♪ ♪

Stewie: I would soon return to New York a changed man,

because, for me, that will always be the summer

that I finally put my head underwater.

(PANTING): I did it! I did it!

Aw, I wish somebody had seen that.

(QUIETLY): Hi. Me again.

I'm not in that guy's library anymore.

I snuck up to the attic just before the cops busted in.

They're down there now. Look.

Only problem is, I really want to get to that trunk of costumes in the corner.

On the one hand, I don't want to give away my location.

On the other hand, there might be a pirate hat.

(FLOORBOARD CREAKS)

Hmm, no pirate hat, but I'll make it work.

Argh! I'm a chef aboard a pirate ship!

Now, who be wantin' pancakes?

Cop: I think I hear something in the attic.

Oh, crap. While I figure out my options, here's Huckleberry Finn.

♪ ♪

(STILTED): Hi, Huckleberry Finn!

(STILTED): Hi, Tom Sawyer.

You're Tom, I'm Huck.

Everybody good? Yup?

All right, let's do this.

Huckleberry Finn, you get inside this house this minute.

It's Tuesday morning. It's time for church.

Aw, Widow Douglas, I already been to church three times today.

I want to stay home and play Angry Birds.

(SQUAWKING)

(PIGS SNORTING)

(CHUCKLES) This is addictive.

Hey, I'm your abusive dad, and I've been drinkin' all day from this here jug.

Oh, my God, is that a jug full of p0rn?

Hey, Widow Douglas, I want to live with my dad!

Shut your hole!

Now come on, I need to use your pee.

I'm taking a wagon test in the morning.

I wish you wouldn't drink so much.

Stop countin' my drinks!

Now get over here so I can whip you!

Ow! Pap! No!

Yeah, that's right, bitch.

Now it's your turn...

(SNORING)

Geez, this is worse than the Widow Douglas' house.

I got to get out of here.

I know. I'll fake my own death.

I just need enough blood to make it look real.

Hey there! You must be Huck.

Great to finally meet you.

I hope you like it here.

I'm gonna stab you for your blood.

Oh, come on! I just got shot in the pool in the last one.

(GROANING)

I can't remember why I needed the blood.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(FIRE CRACKLING)

Lord, I'm-a tell ya, being a slave is a much worse job than the temp agency made it sound.

You gonna eat all that possum?

I am. My name's Huck Finn.

What's half of your name?

Jim. Nice to meet you.

I'm a runaway slave.

I'm runnin' away 'cause people want me to wear shoes and comb my hair.

So I guess we got the exact same problem.

(DISTANT WHOOSHING)

Hey, what's that sound?

Oh, no! It sounds like... a waterfall!

Hold on!

♪ ♪

Jim: We died.

So wait. We didn't die?

I don't know. It's all just jokes.

Ah! Did you see that?

What?

I just skipped that rock six times!

That's a once-in- a-lifetime skip!

That's nice.

You don't believe me, do ya?

I believe we've been out here a long time, and a man's mind begins to play tricks on him.

It happened for real!

I can't believe you didn't see it!

Of course I saw it.

Most amazing damn thing I ever did witness.

But I wasn't gonna tell Huck, 'cause he claimed

he didn't see me hook-shot that apple core

into the garbage from way far away.

Hello, friends.

Why are you so friendly? You con men?

No, we're businessmen.

We're fake-selling the Brooklyn Bridge.

Don't say "fake-selling."

We're real-selling the Brooklyn Bridge.

Stop qualifying the selling.

We're just selling the Brooklyn Bridge.

I'll buy it.

Hold on, now, Huck.

These fellas are con men.

Push off, you grifters.

We don't want to ever see you again.

Fine, we're going!

It's a river... we can't control how fast it goes.

We can barely steer!

Sorry.

(ROOSTER CROWING)

Hey, what if it's spelled with an A at the end of it?

Is that okay?

Jim? Jim?

Jim? Jim?

If you're looking for a gym, Ye Olde Pump House is that way.

Can't miss it. Green light on a dock.

Tom Sawyer? What are you doing so far from home?

Rush is playing here tonight.

They wrote a song about me.

Oh. Well, I'm looking for my friend, Jim.

Huck! Great news! I'm free!

You are? That's awesome! When did that happen?

It's just being revealed now, but it happened hundreds of pages ago.

Oh. Huh. Weird.

(SIGHING): So, uh, what's left to do?

I'll tell you what: Rush concert!

(INTRO TO "TOM SAWYER" PLAYING)

♪ A modern-day warrior, mean, mean stride ♪ ♪ Today's Tom Sawyer, mean, mean pride ♪

Hey. I'm Mark Twain.

Pretty cool book, huh?

♪ ♪

Well, while I'm being booked and processed downtown, we have time for one more classic of American literature.

This one's about idiots choking rodents.

I give you Of Mice and Men.

Read him his rights.

You know what?

I'm like to read 'em myself.

"Chapter one: eat my ass, pigs."

Aah! The bones in my nose!

Wow. I remember when this used to be all orange groves.

It's... it's currently all orange groves.

Tell me again about our dream, George.

All right, all right.

We're going to open a bed-and-breakfast in the country, and we won't be afraid to let our guests know that we are Steelers fans in this house.

What about the rabbits?

Yeah, we'll have rabbits, too.

But we'll also have a sign in the front that says, "Steelers fan parking only."

And sometimes we'll give our guests a fake hard time.

Like if they're Jets fans, we'll be all like, (CHUCKLING): "Okay, I hope you don't get towed."

But obviously, you know, of course, we're not gonna tow 'em.

Hey there, strangers.

Welcome to Phelps Ranch.

People call me Slim.

Ironically, I assume.

Listen, we're looking for field work, uh, if you need any extra hands.

Well, three of our guys did just get squished, so we just might. Come on in.

So, have you done this kind of work before?

Have we pulled an object off a plant and placed it in a burlap bag?

Yes, I think we understand the nuances of this profession.

Good, good. And how about you? Tell me about yourself.

I like to kill animals and then a lady.

I got a good feeling about you guys.

All right, you guys are doing great.

Hey, listen, my dog just had puppies, and I thought, since you're covered with feces and I barely know you, I'd give you a delicate, snow-white, newborn puppy.

Okay, just don't give me to Dead-Eyes over there, 'cause I've already been killed twice in the other two stories, and I don't want...

Puppy! Aw, (BLEEP)!

(CRUNCHING)

This puppy doesn't work!

Well, well, well...

As you can tell by the "well, well, well", he's the bad guy.

Looks like we got us some new employees.

That's right, Curley, I hired 'em this morning.

Well, tell 'em to get out.

This is where I practice my karate, 'cause I'm a dick.

I understand you like to pick fruit.

You ever pick something bruised and pear-shaped?

Fruit has seeds you can poo out!

Hey, Hodor, stop coming on to my slutty wife!

Look, I can tell by the fact that you wear a single, Vaseline-filled leather glove that you're a reasonable man.

So, let's all take a deep breath and calm down.

No! Karate chop!

(GRUNTING)

(BONES CRUNCHING)

(YELLS) Damn it!

I tuck my jeans into my boots!

I'll get you, you stupid, giant moron.

Not great timing, I know, but can I leave early for a dentist appointment?

So, I should be home by 10:00.

It's just this piano-bar-slash-cabaret place called "Tinkles."

Rory told me about it.

Who's Rory?

You remember him.

The field hand who gave me a shoulder ride back to the house?

That was Rory.

Anyway, it sounds like it's just a hoot.

Wow, maybe you'll meet a pretty lady to get married to there.

Yeah, well, that's the idea.

While you're gone, can I touch myself?

Uh, again, you don't have to schedule that with me.

But remember, if there's any trouble, we meet by the big tree on the edge of town.

Everything in my head is screaming.

All right, then, I am off.

Well, hello there.

If it isn't the sexy imbecile.

Oh, hi.

Sorry about what I did to your husband earlier.

Yes, that was quite a hand job you did on him.

You know, I'm not so bad at those myself.

I'm not gonna lie to you, you're wasting your double entendres on me.

(QUIETLY): I want you to destroy me.

Okay!

(BONE SNAPPING)

(PIANO PLAYING "JEEPERS CREEPERS")

♪ Jeepers creepers ♪ ♪ Where'd you get those peepers ♪ ♪ Jeepers creepers ♪ ♪ Where'd you get those eyes ♪

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, I just love a song that explains what it just said.

(INDISTINCT WHISPERING, STEWIE SIGHS)

All right, evidently I have to go to the big tree on the edge of town to take care of something.

This shouldn't take too long.

Do not take my songs off the list.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

I'm sorry, George, I didn't mean to kill the girl, and now the whole town's gonna hang me by a rope.

Oh, I would never let that happen.

Thanks.

Tell me about the rabbits, George.

Yeah, sure thing.

But while I do that, why don't you face away from me and count the stars.

Okay.

All right, so the B&B will have a rack of single-gear bikes for every guest, and yes, next to that, of course, is going to be the big, giant rabbit hutch.

Buh-bye, Lennie.

(BODY THUDS ON GROUND)

Goodnight, kids.

Good luck with those book reports.