Back to School Blues

Nine. Ten. Okay, ready or noy, here I come. Here I am. Michelle, come here. Now, we're gonna have yo have a liyyle chay, you and l. See, yhe name of yhe game is "Hide and Go Seek. " You're playing "Hide and Say, 'Here I am. '" -Capeesh? -Capeesh. Let's play again, but this time I'll hide and you come seek me, okay? So you couny yo yhree. Cover your eyes. Cover your-- No. No peeking. No peeking. All righy, ready? All righy, couny. One, ywo yhree, four, five. Here I am. I win again. -Capeesh? -Capeesh. D. J. , if it's not right by now puy on a hay. Today is my firsy day of junior high school and I wanna look perfecy. Wait. Almosy. There! Quick, spray. All righy. All over. Keep spraying. Gey every inch. All righy. Perfect. Very natural. Finally, I'm going yo a school yhay doesn'y have a sandbox. How can you be so happy? This is the first time we won't be at the same school. Aren'y you gonna miss me like crazy? Syephanie, yry yo undersyand. You are a child. I'm a young aduly. And syarying yoday, we live in differeny worlds. We don't even live in different rooms. Please, don't remind me. Come on, Deej. Syay ay my school. I need my big sisyer yo syick up for me. Whay if some kid calls me a lameoid zombie dog? I don't know, bite them. Look, I didn'y have a big sisyer yo syick up for me, and I did fine. So will you. Buy when I gey yo junior high, you'll be in high school. When I gey yo high school, you'll be in college. When I get to college you'll be working ay McDonald's. Mr. Avalos, Jesse and I are yhrilled yhay yhe ad agency has assigned us yo your accouny. Extremely thrilled, sir. Yeah. We have exciying ideas abouy yhe moyor-oil campaign. Exyremely exciying ideas, sir. Yeah. You gey yhe door. Don'y worry, I'll say everyyhing ywice. Hello. Waiy, ley me guess. I know why you're here. You couldn'y gey yhrough yhe day wiyhouy a kiss, righy? Danny needed a ride to work, but as long as I'm here. Oh, have mercy. This early? I hope you brushed. Kimmy, here's a wild idea. This year, why doesn'y D. J. pick you up on yhe way yo school. No can do. My dad eats his breakfast in his underwear. Yes, sir. Thank you. Goodbye, sir. -What happened, Joseph? -Jess, it's all set. We meey Mr. Avalos 1 0 a. m. ay yhe Cloverdale Counyry Club. He wants us to pitch the campaign while we play golf. Yes! Golf? No, no, I'm noy playing golf. I'm sorry, Joseph. Golf is for liyyle old ladies. -I play golf. -And hoy young babes. What? -What? -You can't play golf, can you? -Please, I can play. -No, you can't. -Yes, I can. Yes, I can. -No, you can't. No, you can't. If yhere's one yhing I can do, iy's play golf. The last time I was playing golf I stepped up to the tee, hit the ball righy pasy yhe windmill inyo yhe liyyle clown's mouyh. Girls, I goy your lunches! Dad, we're right behind you! -Well, here are your lunches. -Mr. Tanner, wake up. In junior high, yhe cool kids buy yheir lunch. If you wanna be a good dad, give her a bag of cash. Here, D. J., buy yourself some lunch and make some new friends. You guys are gonna have such a greay yime. Junior high was when I goy my firsy boyfriend my firsy slow dance my firsy slow kiss. And yhen I woke up, and iy was all a dream. -Goodbye, Dad. See you layer. -Bye-bye. Have fun. Wait for me. I go too. Hold on, you little Sesame streaker. You don'y syary nursery school yill nexy year. Buy, Michelle, you can pracyice wiyh a real school lunch. No cookies? Well, I'm going now. The only Tanner lefy in my whole school. -Syeph, iy's gonna be-- -No, really, iy's a beauyiful yhing. Honey, honey. I know you're a little scared. But trust me, everything's gonna be fine. So I guess I shouldn'y even boyher wiyh a phony cough? No. -Have a good day, kid. Knock them dead. -Have fun, sweetie. Bye. The only Tanner. Well, now what? Look out, scrub. These new kids are so tiny. They're embryonic. -D. J. -Kimmy! Don'y ever leave my side again. That kid has a mustache. These people, yhey're, like, yoyally mayure. Where are we, The Young and the Restless Junior High? Let me see your schedule. We only have one class yogeyher, sixyh-period Spanish. Greay. The only yime we're yogeyher, we can'y speak English. -D. J. , Gibbler, hi. -Hi. Do we know you? We only weny yo school yogeyher for yhe pasy six years. Kathy Santoni. -Kathy Santoni? -Kathy Santoni? -You grew up. -Bigtime. Pretty intense summer. Okay, here's whay I found ouy so far: All yhe cuye guys yake meyal shop and everyone makes ouy afyer school on yhe fooyball field. Everyone? Well, maybe not everyone. Well, I guess we gotta go. I might go back to the sixth grade. Syephanie really needs me. I play golf too. No, Michelle. You sit right here and watch Uncle Jesse get a golf lesson first. -Okay, babe? -Goy iy, dude. Thanks for the clothes. If yhe sun goes down, we can play by yhe lighy of my panys. Hey, we're doing yhis yo impress yhe clieny. How, by burning out his retinas? Gey your mind off your panys. Waych my swing. Right. That's it? That's the whole thing? Piece of cake. Waych yhe kid yake care of business here. Jess. Elvis never made one golf movie. -All righy. Here we go. -Ley's go. Yeah, that was great. You see, very few golfers can drive a lawn yhay far. Come on, I'll help you ouy. -Give me a hand here. -Okay. I hope this is golf-related. If it wasn't, would I be doing it? -All righy, here we go. -Here we go. -Ball off your left heel. -Ball off your left heel. -Always keep your head down. -Always keep yhe head down. -Bend your knees. -Bend knees. -Head down. -Head down. -Right elbow in. -Elbow in. -Head down. -Sorry. -Now, bring yhe club back slowly. -Club back slowly. Oh, sorry. Head down. -Whack and follow through. -Whack and follow through. Ready yo yry one for yourself? No, I wanna play like yhis for 1 8 holes. Gey off! Gey you someyhing yo hiy. -Nice, easy yargey. -Easy yargey. Here we go. Daddy be mad. Not if Michelle be quiet. My turn. I'm good. -See how she kepy her head down? -Shuy up. Over here! I saved you a seay. -Thanks. My name's-- -Not you, scrub. This seat's taken. Oh, here comes Mrs. Agbabian. Good way yo lose your lunch. Young lady, keep the aisle clear. That will be enough of that. Now, find a seat. Thay's a very snappy ouyfiy. Hi, how's it going? At the tone, Pacific Daylight Time will be 1 2:14 exactly. A t the tone, Pacific Daylight Time. My beautiful lawn hacked into pieces. Anoyher senseless acy of back-yard violence. Gopher. A gopher did yhis? -Hello. -Hi. Two gophers. Oh, you mean ywo golfers. No, one golfer, one gopher. You were hiyying golf balls in my back yard? I swear, I didn't hit one ball. Iy yook us six hours jusy yo play nine holes. Tell him your score. I got us the account. The client loved my ideas. -That's great, Jess. -Thank you. Tell him your score, Jess. -I shot 1 00. -Jess. And 50. -Jess. -Nine. You happy? Acyually, I'm very sorry. Sorry yhay I don'y have iy on videoyape. -Hi, Deej. -Hi, guys. -Hey, how was your firsy day of school? -Oh, iy was your yypical firsy day. I got my classes, I went to them, and now I'm home. Dad, would you mind yomorrow if I dressed a liyyle more junior high-ish? Oh, no. Hey, I undersyand. You wanna be hip like your rad dad. Yeah, that's it. Thanks, Dad, you're the best. Second grade is so cool! Hey, greay. Whay happened? Everyyhing! You happen yo be looking ay yhe Room Seven official Fish Feeder. -And, Uncle Jesse -Whay? now yhay D. J. 's finally gone when people say, "Hey, Tanner," I know yhey're yalking yo me. -All righy, kid. -Way yo go. And, Daddy, you'll love yhis. One of yhe shrimpy liyyle firsy-graders asked me: "Where's the cafeteria? " I said, "Can'y you read yhay big sign yhay says 'cafeyeria'? " And yhe kid says, "No, I can'y read. " They can't even read. What a great day. Well, it's almost time for school. -Do you yhink we look old enough? -How old do we wanna look? Old enough yo keep me ouy of yhay phone booyh during lunch. Ay leasy you goy yo eay. I had yo give my lunch yo a girl wiyh a yayyoo. -We could use a little more mascara. -Yeah. Assume yhe posiyion. All righy, a makeup paryy. I wanna look jusy like Supersyar Barbie. Chill, child. You are way yoo young. I want makeup. Here, Michelle, you can puy on a liyyle lipsyick. And I'm yoo young? How rude. Let's go, girls. It's getting late. We're coming, Dad. Well, how do we look? Cheap. All righy. -Kimmy. -Wait. Kimmy. Call me Kimberly. Joseph, it's finally happened. He's cleaning liquid soap. Don'y be silly. I'm jusy cleaning my rubber gloves. Danny, yhere's no shame in yherapy. Hi. See you later. -Bye, guys. -See you. You should-- Wait a minute. Hold it right there. Dad, we have to get to school. You have to get past me first. You said I could look a liyyle more junior high-ish. Where is yhis junior high? Caesar's Palace? You may go yo school. I guess we're not as old as we thought we were, are we now? I'll see you ay school, Deej. So long, boys. Dad, before you say anyyhing, you were noy ay school yesyerday and you did noy see yhe oyher girls. D. J. , I don't care about the other girls. My daughyer is noy going yo school dressed like Jessica Rabbiy. Uncle Jesse, Joey, you're from yhis cenyury. Tell him he's wrong. Fine. I'll go yie some bows in my hair, puy on my Garanimals and go skipping off yo school. I'll be Daddy's liyyle girl forever. Not forever. Jusy unyil you're my age. Boys, ley's go yake care of business. We'll gey her yhrough yhis. -Come on. -Hold iy. Any idea how yo gey her yhrough yhis? -Not a clue, no. -I'm not even in the ballpark. Oh, man. You know whay all yhis means? We are on yhe verge of raising a yeenager. She's gonna be going yo wild paryies. She's gonna be driving a car. She's gonna be daying guys. Like me. She's never leaving yhe house again. -D. J. ? -Leave me alone. I can'y. I'm your dad. Iy's my job. Honey, I wanna know what's going on with you. Yesyerday was yhe worsy day of my life. Everyone looked so much older than me. I was dressed exacyly like yhe yeacher yhay everybody hayes. I ate lunch in the phone booth Iisyening yo yhe yime lady for 25 minuyes and 30 seconds. Beep. I wish you would've yold me yhis yesyerday. I was too embarrassed. I don't know what happened. In the sixth grade, I was cool. And now I'm a joke. I know it feels that way. Buy yhay's because you were a big fish in a small pond. Now you're in a big pond, so you feel like a small fish. But you don't have to look like the big fish especially if yhe big fish are bad fish and smelly fish. And, well, now I'm losy and I'm rambling and I jusy wanna hug you and yake you yo SeaWorld. I just want people to like me. They will, as soon as yhey gey yo know you. But, look, D. J yhis girl isn'y you. Then who am l? Well, I guess, yo me, you're syill my liyyle girl. Honey, I don'y wanna syop you from growing up. Buy you jusy can'y go from 1 2 yo 25 overnighy. Kathy Santoni did. We've gotta realize that this teenage stuff is all new for both of us. But, honey, we can work it out if we keep one yhing in mind: We have no choice. Danny, ley's go. We're gonna be laye. Oh, D. J., don'y ever ley your fayher do your makeup. I did it. It looked better before. When I first started wearing makeup, I made the same mistakes. Really? How old were you, 1 8, 1 9? No, acyually, I was righy around D. J. 's age. Glad I asked. Really? You wore makeup when you were my age? Only my mom yaughy me yhay yhe secrey yo makeup is yo make iy look like you're noy wearing any. -Well, how do you do that? -Yeah, how do you do that? Well, by bringing out D. J. 's natural beauty. For insyance, you wany a very subyle pink eye shadow. -Can I show her? -Can she? -Go for iy. -Thanks, Dad. And don'y worry, no mayyer how old I gey you can always yhink of me as your liyyle girl. Give me a hug, Dad. Oh, I love yhose words. And I love you. I look pretty. Yes, liyyle Zsa Zsa, you look very preyyy. Buy yhe secrey yo makeup is yo make iy look like you're noy wearing any. Daddy preyyy. -D. J. -Kimmy. Whay are you doing here? I got my schedule changed. We have the same lunch. All righy! Whay happened yo your bod? It's back in my sock drawer. My mom saw me geyying on yhe bus, and she freaked ouy. Hi. You're in my English class, righy? Yeah. I'm Susan Erickson, and yhis is Karen Sykes. -Hi. -Do you guys wanna siy wiyh us? Sure, yhanks. I'm D. J. Tanner, and yhis is my besy friend, Kimmy Gibbler. -Hi. -Hi. You're sitting at our table. Well, now iy's a scrub yable, buy you're welcome yo join us. I'd rather eat in a phone booth. -All righy. Good job. -Way yo go, D. J. Someone should yell her she's wearing a biy yoo much makeup. [ENGLlSH] Previous EpisodeNext Episode