Not, I Barbecue

What you doing, Carlton? Oh, packing away my CDs. Will and I made a bet. For one week, I'm not allowed to listen to Tom Jones and he's not allowed to listen to that god-awful Biggie Smalls. We have $50 riding on it and I'm gonna win. Who's Tom Jones? Nicky, Nicky. Tom Jones is the King of Swing. The Tower of Power. Mr. Vegas. This guy's a legend. Can I hear one of his songs? Oh, I'd love to, but no can do. Please? Well, I guess one song wouldn't hurt. Just couldn't hang on there could you, little fella? Darn. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Here's something for your trouble, little brother. Thanks a lot. Five bucks? What do I look like? Come on, man. You got to break me off some. - That movie was pathetic. - Pathetic. Naked women bumping and grinding on strangers' laps? And the way them guys just sat there and took it. How can anyone find that attractive? I mean, is our culture that diseased? You know, just thinking about it is making me feel dirty. You know, I'm gonna have to take a shower. You wanna join me? What am I saying? It's even infected me. Hola. - Hi. - What'd you guys end up seeing? - Showgirls. - Again? What does that make it, eight times, Will? Eight times? You told me you hated it. No, baby, I did. I mean And every time, I wanted to just walk out of there. I know the feeling, Will. Bye. Wait, but, baby. Baby, hol Oh, girl. Boy, did you handle that badly. Oh, good, Geoffrey, you're here. No. When did I ever ask you for anything? You never stopped asking from the moment I started here. - That's not true. - In fact, as I remember I spent my first seven hours of service here installing wall-to-wall carpet for Barbie's Dream House. Carpet which had to be promptly removed. Well, it's not my fault that when Ken got home, he didn't like it. And it wasn't my fault the dollhouse burnt to the ground. Geoffrey, Skipper died in that fire. I don't even wanna think about it. Look, I need you to hem this dress. Come on. - Hi, Daddy. - Hi, baby. Have you seen the notes I've been working on for my speech tomorrow? They're right here, big guy. I've crossed out what didn't work and rewritten the rest. How thoughtful. - Daddy, can I use your car tonight? - No. - How about Mom's? - Talk to her. Mom, Dad said it's okay for me to use your car tonight. I didn't say that. Those weren't your exact words, Uncle Phil, but you kind of did imply that You know, there was absolutely no reason for me to jump in here, was there? None whatsoever. - I'm gonna go ahead and jump out of here. - Yes, jump on with your bad self. - It's fine if you take the car, honey. - Oh, thank you. Ashley's going out tonight. I've given Geoffrey the night off and Nicky's going to his first sleepover. Mm-hm. - Philip, the house will be nice and quiet. - Mm. - You know what that means? - Yeah, I can finally finish my speech. - Philip. - What? - What? - Nobody said anything. Nicky's first sleepover. Ahh. I'll never forget my first overnighter. Ned Martin's house. Raised all kinds of heck. Drank hot chocolate. Had pillow fights. Watched the O. J. trial. What a night. - Hi, Carlton. - Hi, Michelle. Here, I have a special delivery letter for you. Odd. No return address. A special invitation from me to you for tonight. Please R. S. V. P. ASAP. Darn, another chain letter. Carlton, it's from me. Sweet cheeks of Buddha, you pack a wallop. So you wanna go out tonight? Oh. No can do. I have to study tonight. On Saturday night? For some, it's bath night. For me, it's math night. - But, hey, maybe you could help me? - Oh. Well, I'd probably just get in your way. Yeah, you're probably right. Well, bye. Bye. Hmm. She seems a bit of a gloomy Gus. I can't believe Michelle hasn't called. I've left messages. I've paged her. Oh, God, I hope she's not disgruntled. You better be worrying about me being disgruntled after the way you messed my date up today. Will, I've come to the realization I don't understand women. Or men, for that matter. Maybe I should just talk to my Dad. He understands women. I'm sorry about before. We're gonna have a great time tonight, sweetheart. A great time. You know what I'm saying? I love you. Mm. Do you? Sweetheart, I just said I did. And you look beautiful. - Philip. - I'm serious. For someone who's had four children, you look amazing. Sandra, I'm telling you. I really hated that movie. I don't know. I guess in some sick kind of way I was just trying to punish myself. No, no, no. You're right. No, I can be serious. Ju Let me prove it to you. Sandra, I seriously wanna go out with you tonight. Your cousin? No, no. I mean, I can find somebody to go out with your cousin, yeah. Oh, no, no. That's no problem at all. Hey, and I got the perfect guy for the job. All right, baby, you're the breast Best! Best! I said best! No. Hey, hey, Carlton. Come on, man. You owe me. You almost wrecked everything with Sandra. I'm not gonna do it. Oh, you're not gonna do it. You know what? That's fine. It's probably time for me to move on anyway, you know. As luck would have it, it's come to my attention that there's this cute little mail carrier that's available. - You wouldn't. - Yeah, you're right. But that would be exactly what you deserved. Will, I'm sorry and I know I owe you one. But I just wouldn't feel right going out and having a good time without Michelle. What if I could promise you a terrible time? If I could only be sure. I guarantee you the worst time that you have ever had in your life. Okay. We finally have the house all to ourselves. Hi. Don't stop. Go on with whatever you're doing. Wait. Oh, my God. Ew. What were you doing? I don't even wanna think about it. - Where's Geoffrey? - He's got the night off. What about my dress? I'm pretty sure he was wearing pants. Eww. Oh, let me tell you now, that there was some good grub. That girl can cook. What about you, Carlton? Did you enjoy your dinner? It was fine. You don't talk much, do you? Uhh, as a child, he was dropped on his tongue. I think he's the strong silent type. Ooh. You are strong. Well, I'm no stranger to the gym. Carlton, how about some dessert? I've got ice cream. Sweet chocolate ice cream. I'm a tutti-frutti man myself. What the heck is wrong with you, Carlton? That girl just offered you two scoops. I'm afraid I'm a one-gal guy. What's so funny? We were just thinking of a little game we could play. - Tiffany. - Oh, come on, Sandra. It'll be fun. - Wait. What'll be fun? - A word game. Oh, that ain't exactly the kind of a game I was thinking about. It involves the word "strip. " Set it up. Tell me this, Doogie. How is it possible that we're losing? I can't pull a vowel to save my life. As soon as you get warm, I wanna see some skin again. You're on the demanding side, ain't you, girl? - Hey, just play them or lose them. - Hey. Hey. This thing is not over yet. Ah! Four. All right. All right. A four-letter word, four-letter word. Eenie, meenie, minie, mo now some of y'all's clothes gots to go. Tiffany? Hey, who's that? Her boyfriend. What? You got a boyfriend? Of course. One second, Mad Dog. - Mad Dog? - Mad Dog? - Mad Dog. - Mad Dog. - Quick, in here. - Don't pull on me, girl. Hey, would you? Hey, hey, hey. All right. Don't be push Don't be push This is just great. I can't believe I let you talk me into this. I hate you. Shh! The dude is out there. He's gonna hear us. Hear us? He's gonna kill us. That is if your breath don't kill us first. Damn, man. Don't you bring a mint when you go on a date? As a matter of fact, I do. They're in my pants pocket. You wanna go get them for me? Oh, this is ridiculous. Mad Dog. I'm sure he's nothing but a pussy cat. He's gonna eat me. And then he gonna floss with me. I'm tired of your excuses. But it's not an excuse. Just give me a minute to explain and then I'm out of here. All right. You know, that's cool. You know. As soon as the Black Ness Monster explains, we'll be home free. Shh! He's sleeping. Come on, you gotta get out of here. - Come on. Oh, all right. I got this strange feeling we forgetting something. You're right. Thank you for a very lovely evening. - Hey, hey, what y'all do with our clothes? - It's under him. Why you put our clothes? Bel-Air's not that long of a walk. We just gonna get our clothes, then we gonna go. From the looks of this brother, he's a heavy sleeper. We all right. We all right. Go ahead. Go ahead. Just under. Under. Go on without me. Save yourself. Forget the clothes. Let's just get out of here. Let's go. Who the hell are you? Um This is just a dream. We're not really here. Stop that. Carlton, stop. I said, who the hell are you? Um Surprise! Hey, man. We from L. A. Stripper Gram. Yeah, you know. We got a special birthday wish for you from Tiffany. Yeah, you know. Happy birthday to Mad Dog Happy birthday, Mad Dog It's not my birthday. Macho, macho man I've got to be a macho man Young man, there's a place you can go I said, young man You're all out on your own I said, Y-M-C-A Y- M-C-A Stop it. Stop it. You know what? Somebody in here is trying to play me for a fool. No, no, Mad Dog. None of that, man. No, you You know Someone's gonna die. Now, wait a minute. Now, hold on. Hold up. Hold up. Now, wait a minute. This black-on-black crime makes me sick. Now, if this is what we gotta do, just give me a damn minute with my cousin. Um We're about to die. All right, but the best defense is a strong offense, okay? So remember me for this. I'll see you on the other side. Sorry. Oh, my God. I just saw the state of Florida just pass over my head. Hey, hey. Hey, Mad Dog. Mad Dog. Bro, bro, you know Come on, man. Shouldn't you be climbing up the Empire State Building? - Will, the window. - Go, go. Bet you wish you wouldn't have gone off that Slim Fast now, don't you? You're lucky. But eventually, you're gonna have to come back in here. Shut up and get back in there, you're stretching the building. Will, what are we gonna do now? Oh. Well, you know, it's almost winter. Eventually, he's gonna have to hibernate. All we got to do, just hang out up here, don't bring no attention to ourselves. Hey, look, those guys are gonna jump. No, no, man. We're just out getting some air, man. This is the worst night of my life. Ain't that what I promised you? Don't panic. I'm from the Crisis Intervention Unit. You're young. You're young. "And you have everything to live for. " Just get us down. There you go, putting the cart before the horse. Now, hand me the baby. Man, what are you doing? We ain't got no baby, man. Oh, my bad. Will you get the hell out of our way, fool? Hey, there's no need to be calling names. Sticks and stones will break your bones but a 50-foot fall will kill y'all. I made that up myself. That civil service exam is really easy, isn't it? But I have to admit there are times that I just don't understand women. And it doesn't get any easier when you get older. This is the one right here. Check this out. "I shouldn't have to tell you. I mean, you should just know. " How am I supposed to know? Who do I look like, Dionne Warwick? No, no, no. This is my favorite. "If you love me as much as you say you do, you'd know what I'm feeling. " How am I supposed to know what you're feeling? What does that mean? What are you guys talking about that's so funny? Sports. - Football. - Sports. Funny. I'm off to the hairdresser to talk sports myself. Hey, this is the one right here. This is the one. "If you was listening to me, what'd I just say?" - They always say that. - I wasn't listening, you know? Yo, yo, yo, how about this one? "Slow down, you're moving too fast. We hardly even know each other. " And then she has the nerve to get upset.