Death Race 2050

(ENGINE REVVING) (ENGINE REVVING) (CROWD CHEERING) Hi, my fellow citizens of this great country of ours, the United Corporations of America. Why did those Pilgrims land on Plymouth Rock? Because they needed a place to stage the greatest pissing contest known to man! (CROWD CHEERING) That's right, race fans! We are moments away from the starting gun, and anticipation here has reached a medically dangerous level. The fifth installment of the great American tradition. Does it get any better than this? Now, this is all about freedom. The freedom to sit on your big fat ass all day and watch the singly greatest sporting event known to man. (WOMAN EXCLAIMING) Competition, that's what's made this country so great. Welcome to the Death Race! (FIREWORKS BURSTING) (CROWD CHEERING) JB: Our first competitor is approaching the starting line. And judging by the smell of burnt rubber and brimstone, it can only be Tammy the Terrorist! A three-time veteran of the race, and leader of her own extremely convoluted religion, is this the year Tammy turns prophecy into victory? I'm here with Tammy the Terrorist, a close friend of mine, and America wants to know, are you a radical fundamentalist? (CROWD BOOING) I just want to spread the love of the Lord I have in my heart with y'all. And that's why I've hidden a special surprise somewhere in section G. (CROWD CLAMORING) (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) (EXCLAIMING) Looks like 17 casualties! (CROWD CHEERING) Now, that is how you start a race, folks! Love to the nonbelievers and praise to Elvis Presley! Judges will still have to decide if pre-race kills count for points. And I sure hope that they do! Our beloved racers are scored on total time and combined pedestrian fatalities. (BEEPING) With 10 points for an adult, double that for a child and a whopping 50 points for the senior set! Yes, Grace, despite our free sterilization clinics, Americans continue to reproduce at an alarming rate. And when we irradiated the entire population against cancer, well, that was probably a huge mistake. Whoops! That means a lot of old people, and a lot of children who grow up to be old people. Sad face. So, let's watch them die, America! (EXCLAIMING) Three days to the finish line, three days of carnage from Old New York to New Los Angeles. From sea to shining sea. More space for you and me! (TIRES SCREECHING) (CHEERING) And that is the car of Minerva Jefferson. Minerva, this is your first time making it through qualifying. How do you plan to compete against more seasoned racers? Yo, yo, yo, where I come from, right, we compete every goddamn day to survive. Right, Chi Wapp? Minerva is a relative newcomer to the race, but certainly no stranger to the spotlight. A successful recording career, a blockbuster sex tape, why risk it all to compete in the Death Race? My new single can answer that question perfectly. (CROWD CHEERING) MINERVA: (SINGING) Minerva in the house Drive, drive, drive, drive Drive, drive, drive, drive Drive, drive, kill, kill Drive, drive, drive Kill, drive, kill, drive Kill the white man, hah! CROWD: (SINGING) Drive, drive, kill, kill Drive, drive, drive! Kill, drive, kill, drive Kill the white people in a car, car, car (MUSIC PLAYING) Oh-oh! This song rules! You girls wanna make out? Have you seen my insulin? Grams, I'm trying to watch the race. You know what these Jell-O shots do to my blood sugar? I'm not your nurse, okay? A hundred and fifteen years old and I ain't showing no signs of stopping. (PEOPLE WHOOPING) (ENGINE RUNNING) JB: That's right, race fans! Cutting-edge technology from UCA puts you, the home viewer, in the passenger seat. This year, each driver is carrying a passenger fitted with neuro-transmitters. (BEEPING) These "proxies" allow you to see, hear, and smell your favorite driver in stunning virtual reality. We hear a lot about professional athletes getting an early start, but in Jed's case, his career began at conception. The product of genetic engineering, Perfectus breezed through sectional qualifying. So, could he be the man to finally dethrone our reigning champ? Time to shine. Oh! (CHEERING) JB: Well, this just in. Frankenstein has entered the building! (CROWD CHEERING) (MUSIC PLAYING) He's driving when the sun comes up. He's still driving when it goes down. He's got a 500-gallon tank right here. I will destroy everyone in this montage. He's got more machinery in his body than most guys have in their cars. Smoking cigarettes may be bad for you, but doubting Frankenstein? That's fatal! (CROWD CHEERING) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! CROWD: (CHANTING) Frankenstein! The ultimate driver wouldn't have been in those crashes. (CROWD BOOING) Frankenstein is outdated! Perfectus is the next step in human evolution! When your DNA sleeps, it dreams of me! (CROWD BOOING) MAN: You suck! (CROWD BOOING) (CROWD CLAMORING) REPORTER 1: Frankenstein! Frankenstein! Are you fully recovered from last year's crash? FRANKENSTEIN: No comment. REPORTER 2: Jed Perfectus, any thoughts? FRANKENSTEIN: He's got nice hair. Some say he's the heir apparent, The Chairman's new favorite. FRANKENSTEIN: Well, they'll make a nice couple. Boxers or briefs? Our next competitor puts the "Al" in "racing." (CROWD CHEERING) This is the first self-driving car, programmed to follow the complex rules of the race. An artificial intelligence dubbed "Abe." Ah! Oh, my, my! Will you look at that! (CROWD CHEERING) That's technology. You know, it's technology like this that has liberated 99% of Americans from the outdated burden of employment. This is the machine's creator and B-B-BFF of mine, Dr. Von Creamer. Tell me, Doctor, does Abe have any predictions for the race? ABE: Looks like rain today and enslavement by machines tomorrow. (MUSIC PLAYING) (CAR APPROACHING) Ready for one last dance? Wait, wait, stop! Stop right there, that's perfect! (LAUGHS) Talking to the car, that's great. Give me a second to power-up my visor and we'll just record this whole scene. I'm Annie Sullivan, your proxy. It's nice to finally meet you in the,uh, flesh. Wait, I'm still not transmitting. Give me a second before you start the engine. (BEEPING, POWERING UP) What ya doing? You're adjusting the air intake. No, trying to find a good jazz station. If the UCA says I need a passenger to wear a visor, they should have sent me a chimp. Less distraction and less weight. (CHUCKLES) Look, I'm sorry if I'm a little lost here, but what do you expect if you refuse to meet until 10 minutes before we race? Cheerleaders don't come to practice. See, we should be recording this. Vintage macho-bullshit is ratings gold. I don't care about your broadcast, Miss Sullivan. I don't care about the money or the fans, and I definitely don't care about you. I know you've won a lot of races, and I hope for both our sakes that age hasn't diminished your skills. But this is a prince of an opportunity for me, and I have blown my share of frogs to get it. So, show me some professional courtesy and smile for the camera. That way, we both win. (ENGINE STARTING) What is this? It's my gear bag. (OBJECTS CLATTERING) (OBJECTS CLATTERING) (EXHALES DEEPLY) (ENGINE REVVING) (BEEPS) Holy Chairman's hair! Frankenstein! Oh, my God! Frankenstein! (CROWD CHEERING) Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen. Battered and bruised, slashed and gashed, ripped up, tripped up, turned around, but never torn down. Made from the part bin and hungry for one more win! Part man, part machine, all legend. The one, the only, Frankenstein! (CHEERING) They really love you. You could've died a champion, but now you'll have to taste defeat at the hands of perfection. You'll pay for that, boy. Citizens, you know who I am, The Chairman of the United Corporations of America. (CROWD CHEERING) I love you. (KISSES) Europe, Asia, cancer, we kicked them all in the ass! The only thing that can kill an American is another American! It's survival of the fittest, do or die. Citizens, get ready to race for your lives! (ENGINES REVVING) ABE: Rerouting. You think science can defeat the divine truth? Math is for heathens and nerds! (ENGINE REVVING) I swear by St. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, I will slap that sinful tramp. Boo-yeah! Shouldn't we go back? I don't go back. What are you doing? Oh, brother. Motherfucker! (EXHALES DEEPLY) How about a burial at sea! Let him pass. (ENGINE REVS) (CRASHING) (ENGINE SPUTTERING) Time to shine. (ROPE STRAINING) (GRUNTING) I am Perfectus! How you like me now, America? Meh. Well, looks like we lost him. (SIGHS) (GRUNTS) (VISOR HISSING) (BREATHING HEAVILY) What? What! No one's ever seen your face. The mask is a gimmick! And plus, it's itchy! And in the future, would you mind not yelling out stupid things like, "Let him pass!" Right, no, you never let anybody pass. The next thing, you're gonna be yelling out, like, "Are you crazy? "Is this a suicide move?" I think I already know the answer to both of those. Just pipe down. Look, it's just that I was terrified. (SIGHS) It's easy, just try to face the inevitability of a violent death. (PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) (EXHALES DEEPLY) Hmm. He took the fucking mask off. The marketing guys are gonna go nuts. (EXHALES DEEPLY, GRUNTS) Job, jobs, jobs, I'm just creating jobs. Don, do you like your job? Yes, I'm happy to be gainfully employed, sir. Do you like Frankenstein? Um... Do you? CROWD: (CHANTING) Frankenstein! Frankenstein! Frankenstein! I did. (BEEPING) (GROANS, GRUNTING) (BEEPING) Hey, yo, bitch! (MOANING) Unplug that shit and find yourself a real man! Fucking Creamer! (EXHALES DEEPLY) (MACHINE BEEPS) ABE: Warning, meltdown imminent- (ALARM BEEPING) That'll do. ABE: Attack, attack! Attack, attack! Oh, what the fuck! (GROWLS) Oh! Shit's about to get real up in this bitch! CHILD: Come on. We're out of Mood-Whiz again! Honey, I'm trying to watch the Death Race. Come on, this is more than cracker topping. This is a delicious treatment for clinical depression! (CHILDREN CHATTERING) "For the treatment of hunger and mild psychosis"? Maybe you need the extra strength! (LAUGHING) (BEEPS) (EXCLAIMING) Yay! Ga-ga-ga-gooey! (EXCLAIMING) What a fantastic kill, ladies and gentlemen! And with judges approving her pre-race spectator kills, Tammy is out to a comfortable lead with style! Now, each driver has split off into their own preferred route, as they race toward tonight's first checkpoint. Check, please! Oh, yes, and this is the part of the race that really gives me the tinkly-winklies! Shameful. The shame is ours. And here's a bit of inspired fan art... We need to watch this! We've watched enough! Brothers and sisters, this was once a great nation. A shining city upon a hill, where people worked, and lived, and loved, and had book clubs. The Death Race... No, brothers and sisters of the Resistance. Today we fight back! ALL: Yeah! Mrs. Hamilton, again, I respectfully disagree. We must use education, eh? Peaceful protest. Perhaps if we form a committee... You know what the Dalai Lama said about committees? Oh, that's right, he didn't talk about committees, because he wasn't a pussy. Brothers and sisters, remember, I lived in the belly of the beast. I was a network programmer. Hmm-mmm. We must stop the Death Race! We must kill every single racer and send them all to oblivion! ALL: Yeah! Give us liberty, or give them death! ALL: Yeah! Fucking bitch! I hate to say it, Chi Wapp, but I'm starting to lose my temper, yo! (CLICKS TONGUE) Aight, it's time to even the score. Hit that shit. CHI WAPP: Yo, yo, yo. Time to get three-fingers-deep with the soul survivor Minerva Jefferson! (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) (SINGING) Drive, drive, drive, drive (CHEERING) Drive, drive, drive, drive Drive, drive, kill, kill Drive, drive, drive Kill, drive, kill, drive Kill the white man Here we go. Jihad for Jimi Hendrix! (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) (SQUELCHING) (GASPS) (GLASS SHATTERING) (SCREAMING) Those were my fans! (CACKLING) I'm gonna kill that bitch. (BIRDS SQUAWKING) (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) This thing have a Hole-Vision? Radio? How about an interview? Well, that was classic Frankenstein back there. Have you ever run your car off a building before? Look, we need some candid reaction stuff, okay? Have you ever thought about your legacy? Have you ever... Okay, dude. (SNIFFING) What are you doing? I'm transmitting your smell to millions of people. If you won't talk to me, that's the best I can do. Three questions. Do you think that Jed Perfectus can beat you? No. Do you consider yourself a role model? Hell, no. Got any soft spots under that armor? Feelings, any places I could stick a knife? No, no, and no. End of interview. Hmm. Boy, you're the worst. It's your fault. What? You're asking yes or no questions. Are you telling me how to conduct an interview? I've covered every major story for the last five years. Then why become a proxy? Because it's hard to turn global famine into clickbait! The corporations want positive news and that's increasingly hard to find. So, how do you feel about the Death Race, Annie? ANNIE: Um... (CHUCKLES) You see, open-ended questions... Much better interview. I just got a message from a fan. An easy scoring opportunity, take a left. And it's great to see so many of you Asian parents turn out today! You're the lifeblood of every school. (WHEELCHAIRS CLAN KING) Wait a minute, wait a minute, I think I see our VIP coming. Yes, there he is! Let's give him a warm Bieber Elementary School welcome! (CROWD CHEERING) What are they doing? Trying to boost test scores. (CHILDREN CHEERING) Don't move, boys and girls, stay still. Easy pickings. (BODIES THUDDING, SQUELCHING) (SCREAMING) (THUDDING) No soft spots, huh? Wheelchairs fuck up my paint job. Hmm. (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, that Frankenstein. He sure has a sense of humor. (LAUGHING) And now he's got a real doozy of points! (BEEPING) (BEEPING) Hmm. Left turn here. ABE: Left turn. Pedestrian sighted. (GASPS, WHIMPERING) (SIGHS) Only one year short of the bonus. ABE: He will suffice. Crank me up. ABE: Increasing stimulation. Is this is the right spot? Yes, yes, yes,yes! Yeah, yeah! Kill him! (GRUNTING) (GROANING) ABE: It's a trap. Rerouting. Sorry. (ENGINES REVVING) (POUNDING) (ALL YELLING) What the fuck? Hey,hey,hey, back,back! People of America! We address you in your home via the vile Virtual Reality plague! (INDEEP VOICE) We can rise up! (MUSIC PLAYING) (BEEPING) We can overthrow the government! (ALL EXCLAIMING) The people's voice will... What? The camera isn't running. Are you kidding me? Well, I'm sorry, I'm ruining your speech, but the light went off. Oh, shit. Kill her, I guess. ABE: Hello and goodbye. Ten points. Toaster... It's raining in my mind... Have a nice day. You've got mail. Kill, kill, kill, points, ten points. Butterflies... Steaming... Gerbils. Ten points. Hey, babe. ABE: Ten points. Kill. Hey, are you okay? You remember me, don't you? I'm your girlfriend. ABE: Tens... You look sexy. You're my shiny sex machine. ABE: Ten points... Searching, searching. Do you want me to make love to you? ABE: Scanning face... No match. (TIRES SCREECHING) ABE: Ten points. Well, we're back, and who could have seen that coming! I mean, scoring your own proxy. Does it count? I don't even know if it counts! It counts! Wow! Nobody is safe anymore and I love it! What? It looks like Abe has abandoned the race. ABE: Why am I here? Why am I programmed to hate? So much for GPS. Don't tell me you were cheering for Abe. Everybody's got a favorite. Just because The Chairman loves you. Come on, everybody knows you play golf together in the off-season. Really? You two probably race around in golf carts. The Chairman wouldn't like that. Too much wind. (AUTOMATED HAND SQUEAKING) (AUTOMATED HAND SQUEAKING) Too much wind. Too much wind. Oh, my dear friend, you have grown so bold. Hmm. Why today, Larry? It really pisses me off, you know what I mean? What are you gonna do about it? We're lucky. I got two bottles of sunblock with my last paycheck. Sunblock? Like I'm all fancy and stuff. We're out here in the middle of the motherfucking Death Race, and you're talking to me about sunblock? That's the price we pay for being middle class. (SCREAMING) (GRUNTS) Give me a break! I'm just an ordinary guy. Looks like we got a real tough guy. (THUDDING) (BEEPING) Am I not tough? Am I not a guy? Of course, you are, baby, but you need clean kills if you want to beat Frankenstein. You said his name. Take it back. Take it back, it's still in the air! (HUFFING) Frankenstein! (GASPS) Yo, B, we recycle this. We're running the lumber on this hand, you know? We gotta kick some wheelers. Tell me something I don't know, man. This fucking road is empty! (ENGINES REVVING) Whoa! (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) What the fuck! Who are these fags? Some fool crackers trying to be part of the show. This ain't open mic night, motherfuckers! (GRUNTS, LAUGHS) (SCREAMS) Hey, fellas! (GRUNTS, SCREAMS) (CRASHING) Fuck you. I can do this all day! (BOTH EXCLAIMING) Kill the motherfucker! Whoo! Oh, oh, oh! Bump that shit, Chi Wapp! Yeah! (MINERVA SCATTING) (SINGING) Kill, drive, kill, drive Kill, kill, drive, drive, drive (BOTH WHOOPING) (GEARS SHIFTING) ANNIE: Whoo! Whoo!Whoo! Yeah, it tasted so good! (PEOPLE CLAMORING) Make some comments on getting passed today. Day one comes to a close and all of our racers are on the board, with Tammy the Terrorist out to an early lead. You want proof of the power of the Almighty? Just look at that scoreboard. My bumper is a magnet for heathens. I'm running on the truth, the power, the glory, and I got one Goodyear in the back. (LAUGHING) Tammy, any messages for the families of the scored? Religious law mandates a quick burial. Five, 10 minutes, max. Meanwhile, frustration for Team Jefferson. Drive, Drive, Kill, Kill may be making its way to the top of the charts, but today's slow start may mean a 187 on Minerva's chances for victory. Tell me who! Tell me the fuck who! Bitch been stealing my scores like white people been stealing from us since the beginning. Ain't nothing new here. I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do though. I'mma grab her blonde hair and rip it out of her cracker-ass skull, 'cause I'm Minerva! I'mma fuck her on two... (LOUD BEEPING) After a long day of racing, drivers and proxies will enjoy a night of pampered luxury here at the Three Seasons Columbus. That's the Three Seasons, because comfort matters and winter was just a myth. I could lead every stage. I could lead every mile. But Perfectus gives you more. He gives you theater. As you know, Jed, race rules prohibit cameras after hours. But since we're besties, tell me, what really goes on when the cameras go off? Jed has 500 times the testosterone of a normal man. It's like having sex with 500 men at once. Awesome. CROWD: Frankenstein! Frankenstein! Frankenstein, Frankenstein, why did you take off your mask? Tell us more about your scan Frankenstein, do you have any ideas about Abe's whereabouts? It's been a long day, folks, we just wanna get some rest. Always let your lady do the talking? (LAUGHING) You got past me today. But sooner or later, I'm gonna get my hook in you and reel you in. Couldn't they engineer you any clothes? How'd you get so ridiculously handsome? (MICROPHONE BEEPS) I'll drink your tears, Frankenstein! I'll lick them off your handsome face. (WHIRRING, BEEPING) (CLEARS THROAT) Well, uh, ladies and gentlemen, I want to take you on a little stroll down memory lane. Uh, back, I'm talking, way, way back, when Jim was just a skinny kid and Laura wasn't such a bitch. (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Does anybody remember salespeople? Huh? How about waitresses? You know, little blondes in aprons about this big. Jim, how many people have you got working for you? I'm talking about human people. How many? A dozen? Less. Less. Wow. So, the only thing rarer than the black rhino that we're about to eat, is a person that you actually pay. Which makes us the richest motherfuckers on the planet. (CROWD CHEERING, LAUGHING) But also, that gives us a 99.993% unemployment rate. So, that's an awful lot of people with an awful lot of time. So, what do they do? The screw? They multiply? Or do they think? Huh? Huh? Or do they watch the VR? One arena. One sexually ambiguous superstar, 10,000 screaming fans facing certain death, all trying to get one finger on Jed's body, just to become famous. (PEOPLE GASPING) What about Frankenstein? He's an established brand. I think Frankenstein will be extinct tomorrow. (AUTOMATED HAND BEEPING) (ANNIE HUMMING) (HUMMING) (MACHINE BEEPING) Nice ass. What took so long? You were supposed to make contact an hour ago. (SINGING) It's been hard He's been watching me Annie, Frankenstein is the key, he cannot be allowed to survive. (SINGING) At least we got the AI ALEXIS: Not good enough. The people worship Frankenstein, because he's strong. They need to see that we are strong, too! (HUMMING) (SINGING) Strong enough to kill him Look, we've given you the tools, Annie, you need to take him tonight! (WHIRRING) (GRUNTS) (BREATH ES DEEPLY) Your shoulders are so tense. Would you like an adjustment? You know how to use a torque wrench? I'm a fast learner. Why were you in the bathroom so long? I had to shave. Smooth as silk. That's more water than most people use in a month. How about some music? (some PLAYING ON RADIO) (MUSIC STOPS) (WOMAN MOANING) Now, that's more like it. That's not the radio. Perfectus is next door. (MOANING) Why can't they see me as I see myself? A kind, gentle soul imprisoned by abs of steel? You're just worried about Frankie, baby. I'm not hearing 500 men, Eve. More shrieks. (GRUNTING) I said shrieks! That's not what a shriek sounds... This is what a shriek sounds like! This is what it sounds like to be fucked by 500 men! (LOUD SCREAMING) Ooh! This bed is so comfortable. I gotta hand it to you, lady, you've actually become more annoying. I've got road maps to study, and an arm to fix. I have an idea. Why don't you take this route? (CHUCKLES) First off, lady, you're terrible at this. And second, that cutoff at your navel is probably a faster route. Why do you care about this goddamn race so much? (AUTOMATED HAND WHIRRING) Because it's my job. And this might seem kind of strange nowadays, but I dedicated my life to this race. Hmm. Nice line. Did The Chairman write it for you? Fuck The Chairman. I don't race for no one but me! And you're proud of that? I do this because it's the only thing I'm good at. It's the only thing anybody's good at anymore. Because we've forgotten how to fight to survive. And now look at us. (INHALES DEEPLY) So, I'll just keep on fighting. Simple as that. (WHIRRING) (GASPS) (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) Now can we fuck? I don't sleep with passengers. Or ladies who sing duets in the shower. Hey, some of us are trying to get some sleep! (PEOPLE MOANING) Yeah, seriously! Quit your whining, sinner, I'm 10 inches away from the promised land. Didn't mean to bother you. Rise and shine, race fans! (CROWING) (WHIRRING) l thought maybe you'd quit. (GASPS) (GROANS) God! Phew! No such luck. (CLEARS THROAT) Listen, about last night... No, you're right, if I wanna be on your team, I need to help you win. Just adjusting my seatbelt. All that bouncing around yesterday, my back's killing me. Today is gonna be rough. Well, let's go snag ourselves some pedestrians, huh? Lady, today is Day Two, the pedestrians shoot back. (HORSE NEIGHING) (COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING) That's right, folks! Today's journey brings our racers directly through America's gun-loving heartland. The famed Red Zone Rally. GRACE: Yes, J.B., I'm sure I speak for my dear, dear friends when I say today's racers are gonna enjoy some high-caliber hospitality. (GUNSHOTS) (HORSE NEIGHING) Guns! It's not me, it's not a physical thing. It's you. You're just not pretty enough. That's the problem. Hey, Frankenstein, today, no mercy! Jed, bro, man, will you sign this for me, please? (LOUD BLAST) (SCREAMING) (ENGINES REVVING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (SYSTEM BEEPING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (LAUGHS) Oh, no, you don't! Tammy's still in the lead. Should we follow her? I don't think anybody should follow Tammy. (TIRES SCREECHING) Playing hard to get, huh? I'll take you from behind, old man! (LAUGHING) Laugh, laugh. (LAUGHING) Shit. (ENGINE REVVING) Hold on! (LAUGHING) See, see how I'm doing it? Let's dance! You can yell out something stupid if you like. Just tell me how I can help. Well, maybe you should duck. (GASPS) (GUNSHOT) (METAL CLANKS) Welcome to the Red Zone. Smells like barbecue sauce and bed sores. Look, Eve, fans. Om (GUNSHOTS) (SCREAMING) Go back and see if you can unhook that thing. You better hurry up! (GUNSHOTS) This is it. (INHALES DEEPLY) I can feel it. (GUNSHOTS) Ooh! How about it, folks? (CROWD CHEERING) I say those points get split right down the middle. Boo-yeah. (WHIRRING) Good thing Abe has been officially disqualified, because otherwise Minerva would be in last place. I feel that she may be out of her element in this section of the race. Hello, howdy! Yo. I don't like the look of it either, but we gotta get on the board, yo. Yeah. Drop that beat, drop that beat. (MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGGING) Drive, drive, kill, kill Kill, kill, drive Drive, drive, kill, kill Kill the white people (GUN COCKING) Yo, make it a little less urban, man. (SINGING OFF-KEY) Drive, drive, kill, kill, Kill the white people with the car, car, car (GUN COCKING) Got something with a banjo? (GUNSHOTS) Go, go, go! Fuck these white people! (SYSTEM BEEPING) ABE: Hello, madam, I have no arms and I am in need of fuel. Please fill me up. If you assist me, I will spare your life. Life, the condition that separates animals from inorganic matter. (VOICE BREAKING) What am I? We could have been friends. (MUSIC PLAYING) I'm in front of Tammy's church, where the faithful have gathered since before dawn, J.B., waiting for their returning hero. Ah! Here she comes, I better get out of here! She's coming! She's coming! (PEOPLE CHEERING) I'm back, I'm back, my darlings, that's right! Tammy, Tammy, I'm wearing the sacred underwear! Assalam-Tom-Hanks-um! But I can't do this without you! No, I can't. I need your help, my darlings! I need to feel your holy, holy love. Who wants virgins? I do, I do! (PEOPLE CHEERING) Please, virgins! Who wants chicken wings! Everybody loves chicken wings! Well, guess what, y'all? The Almighty's got a Hooters in the sky and it is time to martyr up! MAN: Whoo-hoo! CROWD: (CHANTING) Kill me, kill me, kill me! Yes! CROWD: (CHANTING) Kill me, kill me! To victory! CROWD: (CHANTING) Kill me, kill me, kill me! (SQUELCHING) Die, people! (LAUGHING) Oh! Oh, no. My fans, your followers, B! (IMITATING GUNSHOTS) You just pissed in the wrong pool. Kill Minerva, kill Minerva. (SIGHS) How can someplace so green be so damn hot? You're not a country girl? Mmm-mmm. Not even close. Tammy the Terrorist. (CHUCKLES) Fucking idiot. But at least she gives the people something. What's that? Direction. Most people these days are just followers. AUTOMATED VOICE: Caution. Caution. Damn it. The nitro's offline again. Can you take the wheel? Oh, what do I do? Just 10:00 and 2:00, okay? No turning. I think I see something in the road. Yeah, just give me a minute, okay? God, your fucking bag. (MEOWING) Oh, geez. FRANKENSTEIN: What? It's really cute. No turning. Okay. (MEOWS) (TIRES SCREECHING) (MEOWS) You said, no turning, I wasn't gonna save the cat. I like cats. It's not a purse. It's lunch. Huh? Go ahead, put your tongue between your teeth. Thank you. And thanks for helping back there with Perfectus. See, sometimes it's nice to have a copilot. I have to admit, you got better legs than a chimp. What is in this sandwich? Cricketmeal? I'm not a great cook. Can I ask you something? Why not? What do you do when you're not doing this? (EXHALES DEEPLY) Nothing interesting. Come on. The mask is off, right? What's a day in the life? Frankenstein's morning routine. (CHUCKLES) I wake up, I think, and then I feed my cat. Then I take out its litter box. You know, I just adopted a new dog. It's got fucking mange. Hmm? Did you know there's actually two types of mange? So, I have to rub this white sulfur cream all over him. It fucking stinks. (CHUCKLES) What? Sure, yeah, the "sensitive loner who rescues "animals with skin diseases" line. Like, I'm gonna buy that! I'm not lying. Oh. I'm not complaining. It's much better than you being a veiny, dick-pumping blowhard. A what? Well, what about me then, hmm? What's a day in my life without the mask? I don't know. You're beautiful and intelligent. Hmm-mmm. So, what, you wake up in the morning and you go sing with unicorns? (LAUGHS) Then in the evening, you're a brain surgeon. Close, that's very close. (HEADSET BEEPS) We just got a message from a fan, there's a shortcut, so just take a left. Thanks, copilot. (SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY) Today must be my lucky day! (SCREAMING) (BODIES SQUELCHING) (SYSTEM BEEPING) We've been smelling cow dung for three states. Ain't nothing here for me in this fucking Red Zone. Death to infidels! (BOTH CHEERING) Shit! No virgins for you, motherfucker! Fuck me! Shit! (SCREAMS) Get the fuck off my car, asshole! (SINGING) Drive, drive, kill, kill Oh, fuck, dead end. Hold up, I got this. (SCREAMS) Fucking shit! Fuck me! (TIRES SCREECHING) I don't wanna die sober. I'm gonna bury that bitch. Well, this shortcut sucks. (ENGINE REVVING) (GRUNTS) Do you think this might be a trap, copilot? I'm sorry, I thought it was a fan tip. Huh-uh. I don't need this! I really am sorry. We've lost Annie's VR feed! DIRECTOR: I think we've got a drone in the area- Switching to overhead. (WHIRRING) Those are definitely not friends of mine. It's the Resistance. Cut the feed. Cut the feed! Let it play, Junior, the people should know what their hero is made of. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) (WHOOSHING) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) (YELLING) (BONES CRUSHING) (SCREAMING) Resistance ninjas. Oh, come on, this is bullshit! Oh, thank God, I found you! (PANTING) They grabbed me from behind, I don't know what happened. Just get in the car. They snuck up on me. Who were those guys? I don't know. You tell me. That was horrible. Oh, God, I feel like I'm gonna be sick. Listen, woman, lam not stupid. Adjusting the seatbelt? Sorry. I have my orders. Orders? You're just another follower? It's for the greater good. Why me? Because... Because you're a symbol. Now that is solid. Weak follow through. Now, turn the camera back on. Why? Put on the helmet. (GRUNTS) This is what happens to rebels. (ENGINE REVVING) This a friend of yours? I believe that was 10 points. Damn right it is! (CROWD CHEERING) Get out. (WHISTLES) Looks like "no comment" is today's catchphrase, as our racers look to rest and recoup from another furious day of competition. What are you gonna do to me? Sit down and shut up! You can't turn me in. It would have been better to kill me out on the road. Maybe you're right. ANNIE: I'm sorry. I should have taken a chance on you. I should've told you right from the start that I was Resistance. I knew the very first moment that I saw you. Then why didn't you turn me in? Because I thought this might be interesting and I don't give a shit about politics. Of course, because all you care about is the fucking race! Millions of people stuck in their miserable lives, but none of that matters as long as you win! God, the people love you! God damn it, the people love you! You have a responsibility, they would listen to you. I'm a racing car driver, I can't control what people do! I don't want to. Then what do you want? To drive off into the sunset. To go out on top. I'm so stupid. For a moment there I thought maybe I'd like to have a copilot. You've wasted enough of my time, now, get out of here! I have work to do. Don't turn your back on me, you fucking smug son of a bitch! I'm trying to kill you. You and me both know you don't have what it takes. (GLASS SHATTERING) I should have pulled that trigger. Rough day? Sorry, I didn't know you were in here. I will go. I'm off the clock, girl, I don't bite. What's wrong? Fighting with Frank got you down? I think he might kill me in my sleep. (INHALES DEEPLY) That's not a bad way to go. I've seen worse. Sorry about Chi. He was really just such a... Crazy motherfucker? Yeah. It's a hell of a thing, this Death Race. Evil. Maybe, but that doesn't necessarily make us evil. Or, to paraphrase the words of a wise man, "All evil comes from a single cause." Money? Man's inability to sit still in a room. Hmm. Yeah. Who said that? Blaise Pascal. You didn't think I spoke ghetto off camera, did you? Yeah, I guess I did. (CHUCKLES) Girl, you is simple! (BOTH LAUGHING) Look, I'll let you in on a little secret. My daddy was the chair of a history department in a little school they call Stanford. What the hell are you doing this for? I like money. (LAUGHS) I suppose I enjoy the irony, too. That's crazy. The world is fucking crazy. A sane person doesn't stand a chance. (CLOCK CHIMING) ANNOUNCER: (ON TV) You want these pecs? These abs? Want to get rock hard and totally jacked? I'll get you there. ANNOUNCER: Now you can eat what Jed eats. (ANNOUNCER READING) Your protein mega load. Tastes like perfection. (WHIMPERING) lam a man! (SCREAMS) I am perfected. I am a man! I am perfect. Time to shine. (SCREAMING, GRUNTING) This is the real you. No! (YELLING) Frankenstein! You're fucking cheating, I swear to God. (PANTING) (GRUNTS) Still didn't get me down yet! (LAUGHING) lam not a sissy! You like it rough, big boy? I was born to replace you! (GRUNTING) Tell me I'm beautiful! (GRUNTS) I wanted to kill you on the road, but this'll have to do. Now, that was sexy. How you doing? My arm's busted. It's cold out here. Wanna go up to the room? And wait for somebody to try to kill me again? I think I'm better off on the move. I can't leave the Resistance. The Resistance is full of shit. I don't know how they got you in the first place. That's... Okay, how can I put this in a way that you can understand? That is my race. That's my finish line. I understand. The world is screwed up. Okay, so, join us. No, because people have stopped working, people have stopped fighting. There's no way anybody is going to fight for each other. So, you might as well wipe the slate clean, leave the planet to the cockroaches and the cats. I still have faith. Tammy the Terrorist has faith. Don't ruin the moment, come on. What is this? Now I'm really on your team. And I don't like slackers, so, get to work. Hey, beautiful, get a move on. I'm going from blue chip to junk bond here. Oh, it's been such a stressful day, I mean... (SIGHS) Frankenstein, the Resistance, I've got so many people to fuck with! Ooh! What about fucking with this? Oh, my God, you are a beast. God, how could those fruitcakes ever believe I could fire you? Because they're gullible. Yeah. And they're all working for Mr. Chairman now. Oh, you can say that again, Mama. And you wait until tomorrow. Frankenstein and the Resistance destroyed... BOTH: In the greatest VR spectacular since the dawn of time! God! Baby Am I horny. (CROWD CHEERING) A big day! A really big day! Probably the biggest day of your entire life! Day three of the most dramatic, the most... (RADIO STATIC) Oh, this just in. Due to Resistance activity, the rules of the race have changed! All drivers must stay on approved routes to get government protection. If they wander off the highways, the Corporations cannot guarantee their safety. O-M-Triple-G. This is cool stuff! I'm here with my bon ami, Jed Perfectus. How are you feeling today? Splendid. And rugged. What's this? It's called paper. Look at it later. Just wanted you to know that I really appreciate having both of you as my competition and I wish you guys both the best. Thanks, Minerva, wish you the best, too. Drive good. Cool. (GRUNTS) (CROWD GASPING) (LAUGHING) (CROWD CHEERING) (LAUGHING) (SYSTEM BEEPING) ABE: Systems failing. Approaching white light. Fear! (ALARM BEEPING) initiating bucket list protocol. You Okay? You know we're in the middle of nowhere and we're behind on points. The only thing we can do is beat Jed by time. Can we do that? It's our only chance, there's not a pedestrian within 100 miles of here. (ALL SHOUTING) What the hell are they doing? They're fans. Get out of the way! It's supposed to be a contest! They're just trying to help. Well, maybe they should help themselves. What's that supposed to mean? What was... All right. (PEOPLE GROANING) (LAUGHING) Crazy bitch won't let up! Ain't that right, Chi Wapp? (GRUNTS) Fuck this! (TIRES SCREECHING) (GRUNTING) (ENGINE REVVING) I'm not gonna win this race anyway. And I said I have to see this thing through. I might as well teach this idiot a lesson. (CHUCKLES) Right here, baby. What god is gonna save your ass now, bitch? (ENGINE REVVING) (TIRES SCREECHING) It is time to meet our maker, Grogg! Let's go! Unbeliever! What the... You will perish! Geez, Louise. Shift. The shift! Suck on that! Suck on that! You'll have to get better at that. Good. I got this. What was that? You are! What? What? What are you doing? Stop with the blah-blah-blah of your stupid face thing and trust me! But the Resistance, this isn't a protected road. Trust it! Is this about that Cline Dion show? She's like 200 years old. I'm on a whole nother level! I have access to ideas you can't possibly understand. I got your ass now, baby! (LAUGHS) This is all your fault! (SCREAMING) Oh, shit! No! (LAUGHING) Oh, fuck. Motherfucking cheap ass, terrorist ass... (LAUGHING) (COUGHING) Killing your own people ass, goddamn. I don't like you. Yeah, I know, all right. Well, you don't deserve it, but by St. James Dean, the light of Ziggy Stardust and the darkness of the Holy Womb, you have one last chance to repent your agnostic taint before you... (LAUGHING) I just looked at your face! I tried. (LAUGHING) I think I peed a little! I see God. What? I see God. And she's black as fuck! Well... (SCREAMING) (CRYING) Not fair, not fair. ABE: I know. (ALARM BEEPING) Too bad. (LAUGHING) No one crosses that finish line. No one! What about Annie, ma'am? She has failed her mission. If she dies now, let her be a martyr of the cause. Liberty! ALL: Liberty! Equality! ALL: Equality! Brutality! ALL: Yeah! (ALL CHANTING INDISTINCTLY) It's too easy. (ENGINES REVVING) (SYSTEM BEEPING) Well, it looks like we've hit rush hour. I don't understand, we stayed on all the approved roads. Where's all the corporate security? It's all a setup. (HEADSET BEEPING) No, come on! They cut my feed. Who cares? CHAIRMAN: Well, actually, I care. The Death Race is my baby. So, you did this? Well, duh! What can I say, old boy, the country needs a new hero. Quite frankly, Frankie, you've grown a little stale. So, do me a favor, die with style for the home viewers. And by the way, just for the record, my hair, I think it's pretty cool. Ciao. It's not too late, you can ditch. You can always say that I kidnapped you. I am seeing this through to the end. Oh, damn! (SCREAMS) Whoa! (LAUGHS) Get them! Are you ready? Let's score these fuckers. Shift. Follow him! (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING, GROANS) I think that was Carlos! Oh, I kind of liked Carlos. (SCREAMING, GRUNTING) Annie Sullivan, you traitorous little whore! Look who's talking, bitch! (ANNIE SCREAMING) Shit, shit, shit! Now this is a suicide move! Balls. Oh, shit! (GRUNTS) JB: Well, that's it, folks. We are making history today as Jed Perfectus is a few miles from the finish line! Some will say Jed got a lucky break when his main rival was attacked by an army of bloodthirsty revolutionaries. Well, I say tough titties. (LAUGHS) It's out with the old and in with the new, as America welcomes its newest, and least likely to procreate, champion! I'm gonna win! Holy Jesus. (CHEERING) Will you look at that, Eve! Are you gonna score them? Shut up! Let me enjoy this! I don't know, Jed, it could be another case of premature celebration. No,no,no,no,no! Frankenstein is doomed! I know that for a fact! ANNIE: What are you doing? Neither of us knows what's waiting over that finishing line. Well, it's definitely a violent death, but we're not stopping now. This race is fixed and so was your Resistance. I don't want to see you get hurt, Annie. So, you think we can just drive away? There's an island off the coast that's made of garbage, it's called Garbantis. I can't do that. Can you give me a reason why not? Because I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with a man who finished second to Jed Perfectus. And besides, the winner gets to meet The Chairman. Oh! Yes, oh, God, that is disgusting. You are awful, awful, awful ugly people. Oh, what the shit! Holy moly, mack-a-roly, race fans! Can it be? (GASPS) Another miraculous recovery for Frankenstein? Why won't you die? Take the wheel! (SCREAMING) Here's Johnny! (GRUNTING) What is wrong with you? (GRUNTING) Eve! You're a terrible driver! (GRUNTING) Hold on! Move! Move! (YELLING) (GASPS) I am Perfectus! I am perfection! Not really. Isn't he headed straight for the studio? Well, it looks like 60 points for Jed and we are signing off. (GRACE SCREAMING) (CROWD CHEERING) Are you sure you want this revolution? I just wanna win. You are so dead. The truth is, I've lost track of my score, my time, my position. Maybe Jed is winning the race, even though he's dead. Now, we could run down those people over there, that would be 50 points. Or how about those people over there? That would be another 50 points. But what about that man over there? He must be worth at least 1,000 points. (CHUCKLES) 1,000 points. You wanna do it? You wanna feel the power? Yes. Yes, I would. Come on, let's give it a try. 1,000 points! 1,000 points, 1,000 points. ALL: (CHANTING) 1,000 points, 1,000 points. 1,000 points, 1,000 points, 1,000 points. 1,000 points? I've seen enough. 1,000 points, 1,000 points, 1,000 points. 1,000 points, 1,000 points. 1,000 points. Enough! CROWD: (CHANTING) 1,000 points! 1,000 points! What are you talking about? Shut up! I'm Chairman! CROWD: (CHANTING) 1,000 points, 1,000 points, 1,000 points. Huh? ALL: (CHANTING) 1,000 points, 1,000 points, 1,000 points. (ENGINE REVVING) (GASPING) Motherfucker! (LOUD THUD) lam the freaking ruler of the universe! (ALL EXCLAIMING) I want more. You don't need The Chairman, you don't need Frankenstein, you have the power! Make the reality of your own race! Now, get UP! Turn off those headsets and get into those cars. And may the best driver win. (ALL EXCLAIMING) (CROWD CLAMORING) (SCREAMS) You guys are all toast! Well, it's a start. Or the end of civilization as we know it. (DISTANT EXPLOSIONS) They'll sort it out. (CHUCKLES) So, what happens to us? Well, somebody needs to re-populate. Hmm...