Lost in Stanslation

Ready to go, Stan? Just a second. Gotta go make sure that squirrel I buried is still buried. Sometimes they come back. Then it's probably not dead. That occurred to me, too. Hold up a minute. Wes is here. - Who? - Wes. The boy from school I like. I felt like we kind of connected on Halloween. When I was drenched in fake blood, but we've barely spoken since then. Does he only like me when I'm drenched in fake blood? Because I'm willing to make that a regular thing. I knew this day would come Wednesday. The day you're more interested in boys than your talking dog. - It's Thursday. - I did not see that coming. But it's okay. I'm gonna stay relevant in your life. I can help with boys. What kind of help do you need? I'm still trying to figure out how to talk to him. Great. Let's do a little role-playing. You be you and I'll be the boy. Hey, Avery, s'up? You want to go to the lake with me? We'll count the stars and make promises. - Stan, I don't want to do this. - What's your problem? You're so stuck up. I'm outta here. Well, you blew it with that guy. If you want to help, why don't you go over there and see what Wes is saying to his friends. Okay. I can't believe I put on deodorant for nothing. You're so weird. So, what did you find out about Wes? I found out that I have no idea who Wes is. Can you tell me what his feet smell like, and use descriptive words. Are they austere with a baloney finish, for instance? That's you. Okay, here's the deal; You are correct. - That is Wes. - I already knew that. I had my doubts. I get such a strong Eli vibe from him. So what'd you find out? Nothing. The whole time he was just babbling on about how he needed a tutor in one of his classes. Does that sound like an Eli or what? Stan, that's it! That's my in! He needs a tutor. What's so great about him? He doesn't even have a car. There's nothing to do in this whole stupid town anyway. Avery Jennings tutoring. If you don't know it, I do. Avery Jennings tutoring. If you do know it, I know more. Do you need a tutor or what? Hey, Avery. How did you know? I didn't. I'm asking everybody. I need clients for my new tutoring business. Nope, go away. Well, I could use some help in Spanish. There's a test on Friday and I'm really struggling. Do you speak Spanish? That is the face of someone who does not speak Spanish. Of course I speak Spanish. Everyone should speak Spanish in this increasingly globalized economy. I'll see you tomorrow at my casa. Plenty more where that came from. Avery is pretty crazy about that boy, and it's even led to her first panic lie. Ah, I remember mine Oh! Ewe! Tyler! So there was this one time people said I couldn't do a triple flip on my bike. I showed them I landed on those people. That's where I got this scar. I got one of those the time I ramped off the ridge of pain. Before that, it was just the ridge of. Hey, that's where I messed up my knee. Now when I bend it, it pops. Sweet. When I do this, my shoulder locks. Hey I pop, you lock. Let's pop and lock. Ooh, what happened to your neck? Don't know. Did that just now. I once banged my throat, and now when I gurgle water, it sounds like a garbage disposal. - Hey, Nikki. What's up? - Hey. I wanted to see if you felt like going to the movie that's playing in the park this weekend. I can't. I'm going with my girlfriend. You have a girlfriend? Oh, yeah, she's really cool. I can't wait for you to meet her. Wow. Told you she was cool. There she is, our little girl home from school. - So Chloe, what did you learn today? - Let's see I learned that the sun will someday burn out and all life on Earth will cease to exist. And that seven times seven is Okay, I didn't learn that. Why bother, with that whole sun thing happening? Oh, and I'm not Chloe anymore. Chloe Ahem we have been through this before. You are not a Princess separated from her people and forced to live among the common folk. Yes, I know, I just feel that way. I'm talking about my name. I don't want to be called Chloe anymore. What do you mean, are the other kids making fun of your name? Are they calling you glowy? - No. - So-so-ie? No growy? Can't throwy? Weird toe-ie? No, that's so mean. Why would you say that? And what's wrong with my toe-ie? Sweetheart, your Mommy isn't being mean. She's just worried the other kids were. And was pointing out how that could work. In a way that was overly specific and not well thought-through. Well, I'm sorry. I'm just a little concerned about that, after being called smelling in kindergarten Through college, and then again last year. No one's being mean At school. I just want a new name. And a pool with a slide! Think about it! What's up with her? I think it's fairly obvious that Chloe's desire to change her name stems from an innate need to assert her independence and establish her identity. It's best if we just let it play out. You never just say I don't know. Weird, huh? Just like you never say very trenchant analysis, Bennett. Your insight makes me love you all the more. Weird, huh? So, speak Spanish yet? No. I've been watching this Spanish soap opera, Lace and Tears. I haven't learned any Spanish Although I did learn the expression you make when your third husband tells you he's really your first husband in a different turtleneck. So, how are you supposed to tutor Wes if you don't know the language. That is Nikki. She's coming over to give me a crash course. Millions of people speak Spanish. How hard could it be? Billions of people speak Chinese. Why don't you give that a shot? Hey, Nikki, did you get my text about needing to learn Spanish by tomorrow? Yes, but I didn't know how to text back you are out of your mind in a supportive tone, so I came to say it in person. You are out of your mind. Well, we have to try. And it's not like we're starting from scratch, I already know Si, no, adios, and Your third husband is really your first husband in a different turtleneck? Oh, you watch Lace and Tears! Wait. What if we did what Lupe did in the famous episode where Juan gets impaled called A hole in Juan. Juan gets impaled? While he's in the coma? Oh, you're not caught up. Yes, he coma-walked right into a bullfight. Anyway in that episode Lupe talks to Hector through an earpiece to help him romance, well, what turns out to be his sister's former cellmate, but he doesn't know this. Ramona goes to prison?! Ramona was framed by her other personality, Ramon. I am a walking spoiler alert. No. You're a walking genius. I'll wear an earpiece and you listen in and give me the Spanish answers so that I can tutor Wes. So Nikki's gonna help you with the tutoring part, but I thought that was just an excuse to get him over here so you can connect with him. How are you gonna do that part? And don't say fake blood. He's right. I totally forgot about that part. I don't speak the language of Spanish or of love! None of the romance languages! Oh, I can't help you with that. I don't have to say anything to boys. They're just naturally drawn to me. Like boys to Nikki. That's an expression in my country. I'll help you out, Avery. You know, when it comes to flirting, I happen to have some pretty good moves. Oh! Are those the moves you used on the girl who spits into plants? Her name is Emily. Her name could be Glendora, Queen of the fairy people, but she still spits into plants, and that's the part that sticks with you. Enough about plant-spitter. Sorry, Tyler, it does stick with you. You guys are going to have to suck it up and work together tomorrow so everything goes perfectly with Wes. Your dog watches Lace and Tears? Of course he doesn't, he's a dog. He just turned it on accidentally. Ha! Like Hector was accidentally electrocuted by that eel in his toilet! Why didn't he flush? Even without the eel, it's always a good idea! Mommy, Daddy, I picked out some new names to replace Chloe. - Tell me what you like. - Okay. Alejandra Velasquez Margarita. I also like Anastasia Kolikova Ivanovichnaya! And Gail. We like Chloe. You've got to let that go. Listen, Chloe, if this is about wanting to establish your own identity, you don't have to change your name to do that. You can dress differently, or change your hairstyle Or develop a speech affectation. Hello, my name is Chloe. Bennett, her clothes are fine, she has enough accents. And the hair is what it is. You can tell us if there's a problem. We're here for you, Chloe. - I'm not Chloe! - Sorry, Gail! She's really upset about this. I better call her teacher and see if she knows anything. But when I talk to her, I'm going to talk like this. - This is kind of fun. - It is, isn't it? We should vacation more. Oh, look, the Rothschilds! We should play doubles sometime! Hi, come I forgot my backpack. - That was embarrassing. - Yes! Yes, it was! Thanks again for helping me out with this. I'm kind of embarrassed. - I'm usually pretty good at school. - Oh, no problem. Or should I say no problemo. Should I? Should I say no problemo? That's not real Spanish. I should not say no problemo. It's not Spanish. Once we eliminate all the words that are not Spanish, we'll be left with the words that are. It's part of my system. If you get into trouble, just say si. Mucho. It means yes. Very much. - You think I'm gonna get in trouble? - Si. Mucho. You're not inspiring a lot of confidence. That's why I need a tutor. Tyler, stop texting your plant-spitter. Avery almost blew it right off the bat. Hey, I can help Avery and text the plant-spitter. Oh no, I just sent Emily a text that says I can text the plant-spitter. Oh, thank goodness. She took it as a compliment. So, Wes, are you ready to begin our lesson? Try playfully insulting him. The playfully shows you like him, and the insulting shows not too much. Oh, is that what you did with Emily? - You're such a baboon! - What should I call him? - A baboon? - You're a baboon! - That wasn't for you. - I take it back. - And I said playfully! - You're a baboon! Tell him it's a part of the tutoring. Tell him you want him to say you're a baboon in Spanish. This is part of the tutoring. I want you to say you're a baboon in Spanish. That could definitely be on the test. I've never had a tutor before, but this just seems wrong. Perfect. You're uncomfortable, which means you're alert, which means you're learning. If you start to feel too comfortable, I'm gonna have to startle you. Boo! Well, next time you won't see it coming. Boo! If this is how you are with girls, I'm glad I'm not your girlfriend. What are you even talking about? You never even wanted to be my girlfriend. So what is Spanish for baboon? Spanish for baboon is I just feel sorry for your girlfriend, that's all. You just play games and manipulate people. First, let's discuss the five species of baboon. There's the yellow baboon It's not like that with Emily. She's different from other girls. She's really cool and smart and funny And the chacma baboon. Look, I already know all about baboons. You do? Of course you do. Oh, so Emily is the first really cool girl you've ever met? Why do you even care? If I didn't know better, I'd say you're jealous. - Ha! - Not so loud! What's Spanish for baboon? - You're not uncomfortable enough yet. - No, I think I am. You know what? I've had enough. I'm leaving. You are el babuino. - What's that? - It's Spanish for baboon. Finally. El babuino. - Is that baboon? - Of course. Why else would I have said it? I'm not here to waste your time. Oh, and by the way, no one really likes your haircut. Okay, that is a lie! Hello? Hello, hello? Â¿Hola? Hola, hola? Look at you, you're catching on. Hello? Nikki, Tyler, where are you? Oh, look. A microphone. Tyler? Nikki? Uh, this is your Captain speaking. Wet spill on aisle 16. False start start start Number 82 offense fense fense Still first down down down Stan? Oh, hey, Avery, what's going on? Is Eli still there? It's Wes. And he's in the bathroom. Ha! Classic Eli. Nikki and Tyler had a fight and bailed. What am I going to do when Wes gets back? - Who? - Eli! I want to play! It's not a game. Avery needs help. You don't happen to know Spanish, do you? No, but Alejandra Velasquez Margarita does! Ready to get back to work? Si. Mucho. That's Spanish? That's the language of my favorite soap opera. Lace and Tears? I love that show. Ricardo, it was you who put the eel in my commode! No, no, no! Si, si, si! What are you doing? Learning the language is not enough. You must also immerse yourself in the culture. Now we dance! Boo! I just spoke with Chloe's teacher. She doesn't know anything about her wanting to change her name. And she doesn't appreciate silly-voice comedy. Well, while you were talking to her teacher like a good parent, and then also like a crazy parent. I was being an effective parent by ransacking her room. But, Ellen! That is a violation of the trust that we have established as parents What'd you find? A small box propped on a stick next to her pillow, which I'm assuming was a tooth fairy trap because the bait was a pile of teeth. And this. It's a contract in crayon stating that Chloe has given up the right to her name. Whoever drew this up knew what they were doing. All the T's are crossed and all the I's are hearted. Sweetie, we found this in your room. Okay. There are four other Chloes in my class, and we had a game of tag. - Loser changes her name. - Four other Chloes? Tall Chloe, fast Chloe, stinky Chloe, and Chloe two-shoes. We all wear two shoes, I don't get that. So, uh, what's your nickname? Distracted Chloe. I forgot we were playing tag halfway through and can I have a sandwich? Sweetheart, this contract isn't real. You don't have to follow this. I have to honor my word. It's what you guys always taught me to do. But we've taught you so many things that you didn't learn. Why did this stick? I told you my name is distracted Chloe. Where's my sandwich? You know what? I'm going to get my name back. I'm glad we had this talk. Keep thinking about that pool. - That was some good parenting. - Really? Well, they say half of parenting is just being there for your kids. Mom! Dad! Come listen to this funky sound my neck is making! Shh. This is the other half. Thanks again for all your help. So, uh, how much do I owe you? Oh, I don't think you could put a price on what I did to you for you today. But just to be safe, you should probably get another tutor before the test. And next time, ask around. Get a recommendation. Maybe not someone you met in a park. Listen, there's something I wanted to ask you even before I came here. I wrote down how to say it in Spanish. Â¿Seria inapropiado que le pida a mi tutor tener una cita? Uh Si. Mucho. Okay. Well, I guess I'll see you around. Hey, Avery. Hey. I wanted to apologize for running out on you earlier. Let me show you what you missed. Your ranch was taken over by banditos? What? Oh, you haven't seen that episode yet. I'm just trying to translate this note Wes read me. It says; Would it be inappropriate for me to ask my tutor out on a date? That's great! No, it's not! I said si. Mucho. I said yes, it would be inappropriate. Actually, you said yes, very inappropriate. That's not better, is it? I can't believe this. He finally asked me out and I turned him down. Maybe you could text him and explain. Explain what? How I lied about knowing Spanish? This whole thing is just too embarrassing. I totally blew it with Wes. Again. Oh, Stan. Wow. Today's been a bad day for me, too. I think I'm jealous of Tyler's girlfriend. Now that Avery's into boys, it's gonna be a lot like a Spanish soap opera around here. There's gonna be a heartbreak every 15 minutes, and lots of charming smiles from handsome hombres. And helping Avery gave me a whole new way to stay relevant with Tyler, too. Hey, do you want to drive out to the lake? Of course I want to drive out to the lake. That sounds totally awesome. Wait, what lake? I dunno. This town stinks. I can't wait till I have my own apartment. I know. Me, too. Maybe I'll get one by the lake! Dude! I am so there! Dude! Well, I think this has been a very successful first gathering of the Chloes. Boy, you all ate a lot. You're pretty full, huh? Gail Alejandra you didn't eat very much. Oh, I don't want to feel bloated for the tag rematch to get my name back. Oh yeah, when does that start? I believe in three, two, one go! Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag! I win! They shouldn't call me distracted Chloe, they should call me smart Chloe because Whoa, those chicken bones look like a dinosaur!