You Give Lunch a Bad Name

Jackson and Miley are standing at the door waving goodbye to their father.

JACKSON Enjoy the Reunion Dad!

MILEY Call us when you land! Love you!

JACKSON He is gonna have such an awesome time seeing the band again.

MILEY And it is so cool that he trusts us to leave us alone for the first time.

They are looking at each other then say in unison:

MILEY / JACKSON Sucker!

They dance back into the house

MILEY We're gonna party...

JACKSON ...and party hardy...

MILEY ...with my friend Marty...

JACKSON ...you don't know a Marty...

MILEY ...but it rhymes with party...

JACKSON ...that's kind of smarty!

They high five each other and walk upstairs



Jackson comes back in a suit and Miley comes back disguised as Hannah Montana.

MILEY (imitating Robby) Now. Young man, I expect you home before curfew.

JACKSON (imitating Robby) And Bud. You call if you're gonna be late (runs his fingers through his hair like Robby would do)

Both start to laugh.

JACKSON Shall we, my curfewless compadre?

They link their arms.

MILEY We shall, my sneaky sibling!

Jumping towards the door, as they reach it their Mamaw Ruthie opens the door and steps in.

MAMAW Surprise!

Miley cramps on Jackson in panic as they both scream in shock.



starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

and BILLY-RAY CYRUS

"HANNAH MONTANA"

Hannah and Jackson are still screeching in shock.

MAMAW Oh well that's a really nice way to greet your Mamaw! You just see how you look when you're my age and you're stuck on a plane between some smelly old coot that wants to play footsy and a figity four year old who keeps on trying to put out your hair with his juice box. Where's my hug!

HANNAH / JACKSON Mamaw!

The two embrace their Mamaw in a hug.

HANNAH You're here because ...

MAMAW Your daddy seems to think that you're old enough to be left on your own. And once again he is not thinking straight. You know I blame it on those tight jeans. I swear you can read his but like a road map.

HANNAH And you're here because ...

MAMAW I'm here because I don't care how old you are you still need some adult supervision. And I really wanted to see you.

JACKSON Sorry Mamaw we're really happy to see you to it's just ... we were kind of excited to show Dad how mature we can be.

HANNAH Yeah you know ... do our chores ... stick to our curfews with no adult supervision whatsoever.

MAMAW Oh well I guess in that case then I might as well just hitch up the wagon and head on back to the house for gullible old grannies ... not!

HANNAH (heading for kitchen) Fine I'll go do this dishes.

JACKSON I'll go flush my toilet.

MAMAW Geese you two this is your Mamaw! I can see you're all dressed up and ready to part-a so you two go on ahead and have yourself some fun.

HANNAH (as they head for the door) Thanks Mamaw!

JACKSON See you later.

MAMAW So what if I was stuck on a cramped plane full of contagious diseases just thinking about those grandkids that I haven't seen in almost a year.

Hannah and Jackson pause in their steps.

HANNAH / JACKSON Later!

They continue for the door.

MAMAW Then I lost my luggage. (they pause again) Then my cab broke down but I knew I would forget all that when I was in the warm embrace of my family ... but NO NO wait! They have their friends to go see that have a whole lot life ahead of them than me.

Hannah and Jackson walk back over to her.

JACKSON Maybe we could stick around and hang out with you.

Hannah and Jackson hold each other's hands crouching together as they whisper.

HANNAH / JACKSON Please say no! Please say no! Please say no!

MAMAW Well if that's what you would like. Why don't you go unpack my suitcase I wrapped up some homemade Peanut brittle in my delicates.

HANNAH / JACKSON (hesitantly) Yum.



The following morning Jackson and Miley are sitting at the bench eating breakfast.

JACKSON I can't believe I had to miss Coop's party!

MILEY Coop's party! I missed Taylor Swift's party! On a yacht! With that handsome tortured guy from that vampire movie.

JACKSON You want to talk handsome and tortured? You should've seen Mamaw and me at the beach yesterday.



A flashback begins. Jackson is sitting on Mamaw's hand surfing on a board.

MAMAW Hey Jackson! Check out the lucky lu's! Don't worry girls I'm not his date! I'm his Mamaw! He's cute huh!



Back to the present.

JACKSON She's usually not this clingy! It's like she's trying to pack a year's worth of visits into one week.

MILEY Ssssh! You'll wake her. The last thing I need is another clean underwear check.

JACKSON At least you passed yours!

Miley looks sour as the two tip-toe out of the kitchen. Before they can reach the door Mamaw comes walking in from the door.

MAMAW Whoa! Nothing like a morning jog. And a little appreciative hubba-hubba from one Mister William Shatner!

MILEY Good for you Mamaw late for school gotta go bye! (Miley and Jackson reach for their schoolbags and put them on)

MAMAW Good lord you two would have yowl got in those things? I haven't seen anybody drag that much weight around since your daddy's eighth grade chunky phase.

MILEY It's no big deal Mamaw they're just books!

MAMAW No big deal? Back when I was the lunch lady at East Northumberland High I stretched munch menues to lug around a pack like that. By his senior year they were calling him scrunch-munch man.

JACKSON (fake laughter) Oh I could listen to your stories all day. It's ... It's to bad I have to go to school.

They turn for the door.

MAMAW Now hold on you two! If I wanted fools in the family I'd of married a donkey. And no cracks about your grandpa's ears!

MILEY Mamaw! We gotta go to school. There's nothing we can do about it now.

MAMAW You want to bet?



Miley and Jackson walk into the school corridor dragging behind them sing-song baby suitcases. A group of people walk past and they hide it behind them.

MILEY Hey wassup?

Lily and Oliver walk over laughing.

OLIVER You're gonna love this.

LILY We heard a couple of nerds were walking down the hall with musical ...

Jackson and Miley present their suitcases.

LILY Oh ... Hmm let me guess. Mamaw?

MILEY They were the last ones in the store.

LILY Hey well you know on the bright side you don't have to worry about anybody stealing them.

OLIVER Unless an angry mob of kindergartners skip by on their way to recess ...

Lily and Oliver high five each other and walk off laughing.

MILEY Sweet Niblets!

As they start to walk off and the music sounds behind them a group walk past again and laugh.

JACKSON Hey it's not our fault! Our Grandma made us do it!

They pick up their suitcases and carry them as they walk into the next room ignoring the laughter of others.

MILEY Well at least we were able to ditch the matching thermoses.

They hear their Mamaw calling from the stairwell behind.

MAMAW Hey there you are you silly billies you forgot your matching thermoses! (waves them around)

JACKSON Just ignore her! Walk away!

They try to hide from their Mamaw but she spots Jackson and throws his thermos at him.

MAMAW Hey Jackson. Heads up!

She throws the thermos way too far and in order to get it Jackson drops off his bag, jumps over a table and lands right on the cafeteria lady (this is shown in slow-motion)



The cafeteria lady gets carried away by the ambulance as the principal confronts Jackson.

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE Now, let's see...who could have caused this? Eeny, meany, miney...Stewart.

JACKSON Principal Weebie this wasn't my fault.

Mamaw walks over and joins them.

MAMAW OH, please...that was a perfect spiral!

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE (interested in Mamaw, charming) Wow! And you are?

MAMAW Ruthie Ray Stewart. I'm their Mamaw. I am really sorry about all this.

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE Well, broken legs happen and so do two for one early birds special at the beef 'n' waffle.

MAMAW Well, that is awfully tempting but don't you think you should be looking for a replacement? I mean these kids have got to eat.

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE But where am I gonna find somebody with years of experience of our beloved Jane?

MILEY Judy!

PRINCIPAL Whatever!

MAMAW If I could just but in for a second.

MILEY/JACKSON (holding hads, chanting) Please don't volunteer, please don't volunteer.

MAMAW I would like to volunteer.

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE You?

MAMAW Well, North Central Nashville school district lunch lady of the year 1982 through 99 at your service.

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE (smiles whimsically) Shut up!

MAMAW You shut up.

They link arms and walk away together. Rico has been watching.

RICO WOW! I can't imagine anything more embarrassing than that.

MILEY Oh really? Wait for it!

Miley and Jackson walk off dragging behind them their bags; as the music sounds Rico laughs at them.



Mamaw walks into the cafeteria harshly and hits down at a table.

MAMAW Manderson sit up straight! (walks to another) Gordenski that is a fork not a fork lift! Slow down!

Mamaw walks over to the table where Jackson Miley Lily and Oliver are sitting.

MILEY Hoods up!

JACKSON Heads down!

They do this and bury themselves on the table.

MAMAW I see you! (walks to Lily) Lillian Truscott ...

LILY Yes ...

MAMAW You have not touched your lima beans.

LILY I'm not a big fan of Lima Beans.

MAMAW Then don't ask them for their autograph!

LILY Yes ma'am.

She walks over to Jackson who is walking off with his plate.

MAMAW Hey hey where do you think you're going?

JACKSON I'm finished.

MAMAW With all of that coleslaw left I don't think so! (Mamaw drags him back down to the table by the ear) You sit down son that is roughage. You need every single bit of that keep everything moving along regular like.

JACKSON Mamaw!

MAMAW Don't you Mamaw me you know the problem you had this morning! We do not need a repeat of that tomorrow!

The kids around begin laughing. As Mamaw walks off they all look as though they are eating their food - but as she is gone they spit it back out.

OLIVER (he has spat it out on his hands) Yeah a napkin probably would've been a good idea.

Mamaw walks over to Rico who is sitting on the table.

MAMAW Rico are you comfortable?

RICO Yeah. Yeah thanks!

MAMAW That was sarcasm sweetie. (hits table with spoon) Get off the table!

In alarm Rico jumps off the table.

MILEY That woman is ruining my reputation!

JACKSON I am never going to live this down!

LILY Hey guys I think people are a little more mature than you give them credit for.

OLIVER Yeah they're not going to blame you for what your Mamaw's doing.

RICO (to Miley and Jackson) You!!! You bought this plague upon us!

The crowd chant in with Rico. Miley stands.

MILEY Hey! Come on! She's only here for a couple of days. Besides he's the one that (????) on the cafeteria lady just saying!

JACKSON (to Miley) If we are ever stranded on a desert island I am so to the natives for coconuts!

They start mocking each other as Principal Webbie walks out.

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE Hello! I have an announcement. Bad news is ... our poor Jackie

CROWD Judy!

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE She's going to be out for two months so who cares! But the good news is a certain angel in a hairnet has agreed to take over until she's back!

MILEY/JACKSON (holding hands whispering) Please don't say it don't say it don't say it!

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE Ruthie Ray Stewart!

The crowd applaud.

JACKSON It's official the whole holding hands and chanting thing doesn't work!

Mamaw walks over and embraces her grandchildren.

MAMAW Oh kids ain't this wonderful! Oh look they're so happy they're speechless!



Miley Lily Oliver and Jackson are sitting at the table.

MILEY We gotta get her to change her mind.

OLIVER And how are you gonna do that?

MILEY One of us has to tell her because that's a mature, responsible and fair thing to do...Not me, Ha! (while touching her nose)

JACKSON You totally cheated!

They start mocking again. Lily and Oliver look at each other and than both leave the table in unison.



Jackson walks onto the Stewart front porch with his bag playing the sing-song music. He kicks it furiously.

JACKSON Alright, lets just do this quick and clean...no emotion. Just like all those girls (now whiny) who broke up with you.

Kicks his bag again.

JACKSON Stop that!

He walks in. Mamaw is in the kitchen chopping some vegetables.

JACKSON Mamaw. Hey. I'm glad you're home.

MAMAW Hey, there he is. The cutest boy at seaview high and a big part of my heart. (grabs his cheek)

JACKSON Not that big. I mean come on lets face it. I do have a history of disappointing the people I love over and over...and over! You never know when it's gonna happen again. Could be today.

MAMAW But nothin' is gonna ruin this day for me. Back in the old hairnet again feeding the future of America and spending more time with my babies babies. I tell you something...most teenagers would hate having their grandma working at their school but not mine. I could just squeeze you to death. (snuggles him)

JACKSON (desperate) Please?

At the beach. Lily, Oliver and Miley sit at a table and talk as Jackson comes back and tips Miley's shoulder.

JACKSON Hey! You know...I've been thinking I mean sure Mamaw can be a little difficult...when you love someone...

MILEY (interrupting) You wimped out didn't you?

JACKSON She said I was like half her heart.

Right next to them Rico is arguing with a health inspector.

RICO What? A hot dog on a stick is fine but when a hot dog is on the floor it's a health violation? Where do you think I found the stick?

The inspector walks off.

RICO Stupid health inspectors with their "rules" and "regulations". If I didn't own this place...I'd quit.

MILEY Wait a minute. Health inspector...quit...

LILY / OLIVER / JACKSON Ahhhh!

MILEY Hey no fair. That was my Ahhh.

LILY / OLIVER / JACKSON Ohhhh.



Mamaw is in the school kitchen preparing lunch.

MAMAW There's ten seconds left on the clock. Ruthie Ray Stewart has the potato - she dribbles it down court. She turns left she shoots she - (throws into pot) Splash! Right in the pot! Ra! Ra! The Crowd goes wild!

Miley Lily and Oliver are sitting at the entrance. Lily is shining her flip mirror so she can see what Mamaw's actions are.

MILEY Is she alone?

OLIVER What do you see?

LILY Oh! Oh I am loving this lipstick. I put it on an hour ago and it still looks fresh!

MILEY Let me see! Oh you're right! Can I borrow it?

LILY Yeah.

OLIVER Do you see this is why it's Super-Man! Bat-Man.

LILY Wonder-Woman.

OLIVER Wonder-Woman!

Miley grabs him by the shirt.

MILEY Let it go! (releases Oliver. Whispers) Jackson! The coast is clear!

Jackson walks in from behind the corner dressed in a disguise as an old health inspector.

JACKSON Once I get done tearing apart her kitchen she'll be gone quicker than I had that coleslaw yesterday!

He walks into the kitchen.

JACKSON Ar good-morning Madam. Wendell Gutman Los-Angelos Health Inspector (flips identity card by her rapidly)

Mamaw gives him a shifty look.

MAMAW Nobody said anything to me about a health inspection.

JACKSON And nobody said anything to me about you having an attitude. Something to hide perhaps?

MAMAW Absolutely not! The only bug you're going to find is the one in your (????).

Cut to the kids sitting on the entrance.

LILY (whispering; to Miley) Hey I think she's buying it!

MILEY Of course she is! Hannah called in a little make up favor from the Star-Wars (????) guy.

OLIVER Alan Walker?

MILEY / LILY Nerd alert.

Cuts back to Jackson and Mamaw in the kitchen.

JACKSON Well let's just see what we find here. (rubs his gloves across table) Na-hah! Nothing ...

MAMAW Told you!

JACKSON I'm just getting started. Nothing gets by the Gutman finger!

MAMAW Oh yeah well quit your talking and get your fingers walking because I got eight hundred kids to cook for!

Jackson rubs his gloves across various parts of the kitchen; repeating his victorious cry each turn - but still nothing. Mamaw rolls her eyes. Cuts to Lily Oliver and Miley who are now standing.

OLIVER This isn't working!

MILEY Relax! With Mamaw's temper it's not going to take much more to make her quit.

LILY But what if he can't find anything!

MILEY Oh he'll find something. Cover Oliver's mouth!

OLIVER Why!

As Lily raises her hand over Oliver's lips Miley pulls some hairs from Oliver's head. He whimpers in pain.

MILEY (holding up hair) Things are about to get a little hairy for Mamaw!

Miley walks into the kitchen. Jackson is rolling his body across the floor in the shape of an angel. Mamaw is in front of him - still nothing.

JACKSON OK this is crazy they're cleaner than when I put them on!

MAMAW I believe we are done here!

MILEY Hey Mamaw. Just wanted to stop by before class. Oohh I didn't know you had a visitor.

MAMAW He's not a visitor. He's a health inspector looking for something unhealthy. Perhaps he should start with that gut of his man looks like he ate an Ompa-lompa. (she walks over to the opposite side)

MILEY Oh well I can tell him he won't find anything wrong in your kitchen. (places hairs in noodle casserole) Especially not in your legendary noodle casserole!

JACKSON (getting himself up) Oh yes. We'll see about that. Yes we will. (walks over) Oh what do we have here. (pulls out hair) Or should I say what do we have hair?

MAMAW How did that get in there?

JACKSON Oh I don't know perhaps (????).

MILEY (offended gasp) You can not talk to my Mamaw that way! She quits! Let's go!

MAMAW Well wait a minute why on Earth would I quit?

MILEY Because you are furious! Furious I tell you! Come on Mamaw!

MAMAW Oh for heaven's sakes it's one little bit of hair now if you will excuse me Mr. Gutman I have got fritters in the fryer.

JACKSON No it's Inspector Gutman and I'll have you know that I have nose for this sort of thing.

MAMAW (closing in on him) And then some!

Mamaw walks away.

JACKSON Insult the way madam but in my experience where there's one hair there's usually a clump not far behind.

Oliver comes out into view; clutching his head.

OLIVER (????)

He runs out. Lily follows.

LILY Haha! What a wimp! Me and my hair are going to go yell at him for you! Bye!

Clutching her head she runs off after him.

MILEY (whispering to Jackson) What do we do now?

JACKSON (whispering) Are those your new extensions?

MILEY Yes don't they look so ... (clutches hair) No!

JACKSON Would you rather spend the next two months with your back-pack going (sing-song voice) round and round round and round!

Reluctantly she pulls out an extension. She walks over to the steaming pot and throws it in.

MILEY Forgive me!

MAMAW (walking over) Are you still here?

JACKSON Oh I am here alright! And if I find one more violation you will never be rid of me! (Mamaw and Miley walk over to the bench as Jackson looks in the pot) I will haunt you for every day of every hour for the rest of your miserable life! Like a ghost! Whoooaaa!

MILEY No job is worth this kind of torment! I say you walk right out! Right now I tell you! Come on!

MAMAW Oh fish cats! He isn't finding anything!

Jackson comes out of the pot with the spoon holding a potato. Miley's extensions are dangling off the end and Jackson's nose has melted off.

JACKSON Na-ha! I told you I had a nose for this sort of thing.

MAMAW Yes and it is dripping all over my clean floor!

Mamaw pulls off the fake nose.

MILEY (dumbfounded voice) Jackson! What is going on?

MAMAW I think I know exactly what is going on. (hurt) You two wanted me to quit so badly (throws nose in pot) -- Congratulations. You got your wish!

She storms out.



Mamaw is in the Stewart house playing the piano. Miley and Jackson (still in his disguise) enter.

MILEY Mamaw ...

MAMAW I think you two have said quite enough. I think maybe it's my turn to talk now.

JACKSON Oh boy.

MAMAW Come on. Come up here.

The three congregate around the mirror near the stairwell.

MAMAW Take a look in that mirror. You know what I see?

MILEY Two really apologetic grand kids?

JACKSON Who love you ... very much.

MAMAW I see grandchildren who are obviously embarrassed by their grandma but they didn't have the good sense to come out and tell her how they really felt. You know who the biggest offender is?

Miley and Jackson point at each other.

MAMAW No I'm talking about the red-headed grandchild in the middle.

MILEY What?

MAMAW Oh come on you two you know I used to be a grandchild once myself. When I was driving back here I was thinking about how my grandma used to love to embarrass me at all the school dances.

They start to head for the couch.

JACKSON She chaperoned the dances?

MAMAW Oh lord I wish. She was the DJ! You have no idea how humiliating it is to hear your Mamaw (???) to the entire gymnasium. Babba Joe ask Ruthie Ray to dance! She's (?????) it's the least you can do Babba.

MILEY Wait wasn't grandpa's nickname Babba?

MAMAW Hey I didn't say it didn't work. The point is I think I was just so excited to be a part of your lives again that I ... that I may have over done it a smidge.

JACKSON A smidge!

MAMAW You know what just because I embarrassed you does not mean you can sas me Gutman!

JACKSON Yes ma'am.

MILEY And we're really sorry. We should've told you how we felt from the beginning and ... I really wish there was something we could do to make it up to you.

JACKSON Hey maybe the three of us could spend Saturday together?

MAMAW Oh sweetie. Actually ... I already have plans.



Ruthie and Principle Weebie are surfing in the waves - Ruthie is holding Webbie as she did Jackson.

MAMAW How you doing up there Weebie?

PRINCIPLE WEEBIE Top of the world Ruthie! Top of the world!

MAMAW Haha!



Rico is working behind the counter at his Shack as another health inspector approaches.

HEALTH INSPECTOR Health Inspector! (flips identity) I'm here to do a follow up.

RICO Nice try Jackson. I heard about your little performance at school.

INSPECTOR I have no idea what you're talking about!

RICO (mocking) "I have no idea what you're talking about" And this is my real nose to! Please! (pulls at the Inspector's nose) Whoa that sucker's really on there!

INSPECTOR Get your hands off me!

RICO Well I'll give you points for staying in character. (jumps on counter) But let's see how strong this wig is!

He jumps on the Inspector's back and starts pulling at his hair. Jackson walks over.

JACKSON Hey Rico. Make a new friend?

RICO (straightening Inspector's hair) So argh ... can I pay the fine by credit card or would you prefer a cheque?