Sci-Fi Pie Fly

(Scene opens up with the Flynn-Fletcher house in view. Then a close-up on Candace's slippers is seen at the title card. She then sits down and solemnly pours herself some cereal and milk)

Linda: Good morning, sunshine! What's your plan for today, besides, of course, padding up my cell phone bill?

Candace: I've got nothing. Every day, I wear myself out trying to bust the boys and always blows up in my face. (throws some milk on a cat) I'm gonna take a day off from exploding face. Today is for me time.

Linda: I'll believe it when I see it.

(Switches to the antique store, where Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Buford and Baljeet are seen assisting Lawrence.)

Phineas: (seeing a poster on a wall) Wow, I don't remember seeing this before!

Lawrence: Cool, isn't it? I was inspired to put it out of storage after my well... (clears throat, whispers) ...my close-encounter.

Phineas: Close encounter?

Lawrence: Oh, yes. You've heard about the Danville crop circles, I suppose?

Isabella: They've been appearing in fields all over Danville! Some people think they're made by spaceships!

Buford: I don't believe in spaceships!

Isabella: But, Buford, you've been in a space ship. Several, actually.

Buford: I'm a skeptic!

Lawrence: As was I until the other night, when my motorcar began behaving oddly. Suddenly, I saw a terrific flash of light. I was inexorably drawn to it and to escape its irresistible magnetism

Phineas: What happened then?

Lawrence: Well, it turns out it was just a tow truck driver I called. He changed my battery, and I was off!

Isabella: So, it had nothing to do with crop circles or UFOs?

Lawrence: Yeah, but I do think they're cool, hence the poster. (leaves)

Buford: His words confuse me.

Phineas: Dad can be like that. But, nevertheless. I know what we're gonna do today: We're gonna solve the mystery of the Danville crop circles. Hey, where's Perry?

(Switches to an antique puppet theater, where Agent P goes to get his briefing from Major Monogram)

(Song: "Monogram Rap This Old Man")

Major Monogram: (while holding a puppet version of himself, singing to the tune of "This Old Man") Agent P,

Over here. Let us get this thing in gear.

There's a big, ol' lump of trouble in town

Awful things are going down.

(stops to inhale)

Please go stop Doofenshmirtz

I know this puppet show's the worst,

But I never said that I could write a song--

Ohh... Could you just leave? This is really embarrassing.

Perry!

(Switches back to the Flynn-Fletcher house, where Candace is on the couch watching TV and eating cereal, while Phineas, Ferb, and the others are constructing something in the backyard)

Phineas: (as he and the others work) Hi, Candace!

Candace: No, no, no! No busting today, Candace. (changes channel) It's just gonna blow up in you face. Taking a me day.

(Switches to Evil, Inc.)

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

Perry: (flies in and gets trapped in a chef's hat)

Doofenshmirtz: Aw, look how cute you are! All snug in your cozy widdle trap. (chuckles) Why the chef's hat you ask? It's the cheapest way I could find to trap you. Hey, times are tough waiting for my alimony check!

(backstory starts)

I have to watch every penny. And the 37 minutes are free deal from the local pizza guy could really make a difference.

Pizza man: (knocking)

Doofenshmirtz: (whilst slowly gliding his feet along the door, constantly checking his watch while doing so) Just a second!

Pizza man: (continues knocking)

Doofenshmirtz: Coming!

Pizza man: (continues knocking)

Doofenshmirtz: (continues gliding feet) Almost there!

Pizza man: (knocks)

Doofenshmirtz: (opens door)

Pizza man: (holds out hand, in a fashion of asking for money)

Doofenshmirtz: Can you belive he made me pay, anyway?

(flashback ends)

I vowed revenge. Cheap revenge. My first plan involved exploding pizza dough.

(explosion)

But you know what? He turned it into a special! He actually charged more for it! And that is why I created... (removes lab coat sleeves) ...the Dough-Blow-Inator! You wear it! (lab coat falls off) You see, this baby generates a powerful current of air which can hold pizza aloft indefinitely! Ha-ha! So now, I will challenge pizza boy to a pie-spinning duel at the Pizza Day Festival in Danville Park today. I'm gonna humiliate him in front of tens of people! And you are gonna have a front row seat. (puts hat on) Plus, you really complete the look.

(Switches back to the Flynn-Fletcher backyard)

Phineas: If we're going to solve the mystery of the Danville crop circles, we'll need a bird's-eye view.

Isabella: So, why not a hot-air balloon, or a helicopter?

Phineas: I like to stay on theme.

(camera zooms out, revealing a UFO)

Isabella: Oh, good idea.

(UFO takes off)

Baljeet: So, Buford, we are literally sitting inside a flying saucer. Do you still not believe in it?

Buford: I'm sticking to my guns on this one. It's a matter of principle.

Phineas: Crop circles have been sighted all over the Tri-State Area this summer. Let's get a view of each of them and see if there's a pattern.

(UFO flies over a farm outside of Danville)

Farmer: (takes picture of UFO with cell phone) Huh, I know I wasn't crazy! (to "Bob") Oh, yeah? Well, no one asked you, Farm Utensil Bob!

Isabella: There's the next crop circle up ahead/

Buford: So you say.

Phineas: You know, you can see them too, Buford.

Buford: My skepticism is boundless.

Baljeet: It is the same design as the others.

Phineas: Maybe they're trying to tell us something.

Baljeet: That they really like that symbol, apparently!

Phineas: There must be some sort of pattern. Ferb, let's go to the next one!

Citizens: What is that?! Oh, my gosh! It's an invasion!

(Switches back to the living room, where Candace is now watching soap operas)

Man: You truly are the most remarkable woman I've ever met in my life...

Candace: Candace.

Woman: And you are every woman's dream...

Candace: Jeremy.

Man: Why, I love you--

Oshinomi: We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to go live to our correspondent Gordon Gutsofanemu.

Gordon Gutsofanemu: I'm standing in downtown Danville where the recent rash of crop circles has caused quite a stir. But today, something more: an actual sighting of a UFO!

Random guy: There were these creatures! One had this crazy triangle head and the other looked like a sideways "T"!

Gutsofanemu: Sounds horrifying!

Random guy: It was! They don't look human at all!

(an artist rendering of beings that strongly resemble Phineas and Ferb is shown)

Gutsofanemu: No. No, they don't. Who are these invaders? What are they doing here? What is the meaning of these crop circles? Why can't I time my barbecue right? (in background) Either I'm waiting an hour when they're supposed to heat up, or they're already past their peak when I bring out the steaks.

(Candace's eye twitches. She takes her phone out and begins dialing.)

Candace: I gotta call Mom! They're gonna be so... Oh, no, they don't! I'm taking a me day!

(Cut to Danville Park. The pizza guy is entertaining tens of people on a stage with his dough creations.)

Pizza Guy: (Italian accent) Hey, everybody, she got-a free pizza? (audience cheers) Hey, look-a what you see! It's a dough-osaur! Ha hey! The Leaning Tower of Pizza! Ay? Everyone having a good time?

Doofenshmirtz: No! No, we're not! We're having a rotten time, you stingy jerk!

Pizza Guy: Why you-a callin' me these bad guy things?

Doofenshmirtz: Because you cheated me! 37 minutes or free! That was the deal! And 38 minutes later, you welched on it!

Pizza Guy: But I would-a never! Wait-a one second! You are the guy who set up-a the traps to slow me down, yes?

Doofenshmirtz: Yes, I have traps, but th-they weren't necessarily for you, y'know, specifically, but... Look, enough of your excuses! I challenge you to a dough duel!

Pizza Guy: (using his dough as a grass skirt while doing the hula) A dough duel, eh? I accept-a your challenge! If you win, I give you-a free pizza for life! But if I win, you no order my pizza ever again!

Doofenshmirtz: Deal! I don't want your stupid pizza anyway. (Perry struggles to get out of the trap.) Don't bother! Chin strap!

(Cut back to the saucer ride.)

Phineas: Well, this is the last one.

Isabella: But we still don't know what it means.

Phineas: Maybe we need to get a fresh take on this. (to Baljeet) Bring up the crop circle map.

(Baljeet brings up the map.)

Phineas: That's it!

Baljeet: I do not see anything.

Phineas: Exactly! Because there's nothing to see! Right...there! That's the one spot where the aliens haven't been! I'll bet that's their next stop. Let's go!

(Cut back to Candace's me day.)

Gutsofanemu: (on TV) The alien ship has been seen hovering over...

(Candace changes the channel to a Spanish station, which also talks about the flying saucer. She flips the channel again.)

Spokeswoman: (on TV) ...makeup tips, (Candace smiles) so you can look your best for the impending alien invasion.

(Candace's phone rings.)

Stacy: (on phone) Candace, didja see the news? That is your brothers, right?

Candace: Yes, but I'm not busting them.

Stacy: (on phone) Uh, hello? The ultimate bust just falls in your lap and you're not gonna jump at the chance? What's up with that?

Candace: Listen, Stacy!! Me day! No bust, no blow up in face!! FACE!!!

Stacy: (on phone) Well, now that you've put it crazy...

Candace: Back to my stories. (hangs up) Takin' a me day.

(Song: "Non Reaction Song") (Shots of Candace's slippers, stomach, face, etc.)

Gotta keep myself together,

No, I'm not even movin',

If I just do nothin',

Then my attitude's improvin'.

Na, na, na, na, na, na

(Resist the urge to move.)

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na

Get down, get down,

And feel the satisfaction;

Stop doing something,

Do the (non-reaction).

Na, na, na, na, na, na

(No, it's okay, don't get up.)

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na

(Stay on the couch.)

(Cut back to the saucer.)

Baljeet: (to Buford) So, if you do not believe the flying saucer is real, why did you want to take a turn flying it?

Buford: Just confirmin' it's not real. Besides, I categorically deny I'm flyin' it.

Isabella: Look out!

(The saucer crashes into the "FREE PIZZA" banner and then crashes into the stage where Doof and the Pizza Guy are.)

Pizza Guy: A little early to be knockin' my pizza down. We haven't even-a started yet!

Doofenshmirtz: That wasn't me. You... W-Wait, where's my chef's hat?

(Cut to Perry slinking in the hat offstage. Doof growls.)

Pizza Guy: You-a ready, fella?

Doofenshmirtz: Nope. First, I'm gonna do a little pre-gloating. I'm goin' to wipe the floor with you. I'm goin' to make you scream for mercy and there will be none! Men will weep. Children will wail! Whales will wail! Like...like this... (Mimics whale song.) Like they do, except they'll be doing it on your behalf! And women will look away as you walk the hall of shame! (beat) Okay, now I'm ready.

Pizza Guy: One-a, two-a, three-a...GO!

(Perry switches the control from blow to suck and the pizza dough gets sucked in.)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, no, no!

Pizza Guy: (also getting sucked in) Hey! What's-a your deal?!

(More and more things get sucked into Doof's sleeves.)

Doofenshmirtz: This is not at all what I had in mind! Oh! Oh, this really sucks! I mean, literally! Okay!

(A woman's baby gets sucked in, the woman does so as well, and so do more spectators.)

Man: This is really uncomfortable.

Doofenshmirtz: Boy!

(KABOOM!!!)

Doofenshmirtz: That failure was spectacular...even for me!

Pizza Guy: You must be a lot of fun at the parties! (American accent) But, seriously, don't order my pizzas again, okay?

Doofenshmirtz: Alright, deal. Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

(Cut back to the saucer.)

Isabella: (offscreen) Well, this is the spot.

(The saucer lands and the gang exits into the field.)

Phineas: Fan out, gang. Maybe we can find out why this is the only field in Danville with no crop circles.

Buford: You're wastin' your time. There's nothin' here but grass. Grass and this...key! (He uses the key as a hair scratcher.) Ah. Oh, that's good.

Isabella: Uh, Phineas?

Phineas: It's the same shape as the crop circles.

Buford: And I suppose that makes it special?

(Suddenly, a weird beam appears over the field. We hear weird theremin music in the background. The key floats up into the air out of Buford's palm. Cut to reveal a giant flying saucer. Cut to the saucer window to reveal two aliens who look like Phineas and Ferb. The Ferb alien speaks.)

Alien: Thank you for returning our key. We left large signs in fields all over the Tri-State Area, but you are the only Earthlings that came to our aid.

Phineas: Oh, no problem. Glad we could help.

Alien: To return the favor, here is something you lost in 1977.

(Something crashes to the ground.)

Phineas: Cool! The Voyager Space Probe!

Alien: Goodbye and good luck!

(The ship departs as the gang bid it farewell.)

Isabella: So long!

Phineas: Take it easy! Wow, that artist rendering on the news was really accurate!

Buford: Okay, there might be somethin' to this whole UFO thing.

(Cut back to Candace. Linda enters with a pizza box.)

Linda: Candace, I got the pizza you ordered.

Candace: Thanks, Mom.

Linda: I have time to do nice things when I'm not distracted by panicked phone calls.

(Phineas' saucer returns to the backyard.)

Candace: Oh, look! It's the boys in their UFO! And Mom is in the next room! (beat as Candace's eye twitches again) Nope! I've had a lovely day and I'm not gonna ruin it with another failed bust attempt. No way this day is gonna blow up in my— (She opens the box and the pizza explodes in her face and blocks the saucer from view.) Oh! So that's what they meant by "exploding pizza".

Linda: It's all the rage with the foodies. Oh, there's Phineas and Ferb. Hi, boys! (She waves and the gang waves back.)

(Crossfade to later that night. Cut to Candace's bedroom. She wakes up from her bed and looks out her window.)

Candace: Yup, still there. (goes back to bed) I'm not sayin' a word.

End Credits
Gotta keep myself together,

No, I'm not even movin',

If I just do nothin',

Then my attitude's improvin'.

Na, na, na, na, na, na

(Resist the urge to move.)

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na

Get down, get down,

And feel the satisfaction;

Stop doing something,

Do the (non-reaction). Na, na, na, na, na, na