The Burns Cage

♪ The Simpsons ♪

(grunts)

(exclaiming)

(school bell ringing)

(Barney belches)

(playing the blues)

(tires screeching)

Homer: D'oh!

(tires screeching)

(grunts)

(Homer humming)

(chuckles)

Homer: What? What?! Hey! Up your... Oh, sorry. Yes, sir. Who are these guys?

(phone dings)

Homer: Meh?

♪ The Simpsons ♪

Sir, please, don't do this!

Oh, stop your Smithering.

(gasps)

The Simpsons Season 27 Episode 17 The Burns Cage Original Air Date on April 3, 2016

That was easy.

I did it. All by myself. Oh, Smithers, do you always have to be underfoot?

Sorry, sir. If there were a less spectacular way to save your life, I... I should've found it.

♪ You see ♪ ♪ This guy ♪ ♪ This guy's in love with you... ♪

Mr. Burns, coming down, I... I thought we weren't gonna make it, and I thought I'd never get to say something I've always wanted to. The truth is, sir, I'm in love with...

The sound of your own voice? Yes, well, no dogwood I, listening to the nightingale trill her unending tune. Don't take this the wrong way, but you mean nothing to me. Someone I give less thought to than the little piece of popcorn stuck in my tooth. Ooh, can you remove it? (grunts) I'll see you back at the office. Don't be late.

♪ ♪ ♪ I've lived ♪ ♪ Half of my life ♪ ♪ Living half of a life ♪ ♪ Waiting for U-234 ♪ ♪ Can't you see the fire ♪ ♪ Burning in my core? ♪ ♪ Is there a half life for hope? ♪ ♪ I know the answer is, "Nope" ♪ ♪ I've failed at my mission ♪ ♪ No fusion, just fission ♪ ♪ And now I'm here wishin' ♪ ♪ To be ♪ ♪ Decommissioned ♪ ♪ Have you ever felt down? ♪ ♪ Much worse than a meltdown ♪ ♪ My heart is covered in ♪ ♪ Burns ♪

(gasps)

(gasps)

(sighs)

(sobbing)

Larry, Moe and Curly, get out here now!

(Homer whooping)

So, you like fun and games?

Well, games can be fun, so, uh, that's kind of redundant.

Would you like to rethink the question?

(groans) Here's a game for you-- properly stack and store those rods then perform a complete turbine maintenance procedure.

Routine maintenance? We never do that.

Lots of us never get to do things.

Yeah, we know. We heard your song.

(groans)

(piano playing)

Jacqueline Jones, reading for the part of Ilsa.

Oh, I like this one. A cool girl.

Plus her father owns a print shop. Free playbills. Four color.

Yeah, yeah, smart. Yes.

I can't fight it anymore. I ran away from you once. I can't do it again.

Strange choices. Maybe that scrunchie's too tight.

Well, you can teach acting. You can't teach popular. We've got our Ilsa.

Are you sure? Even by school play standards, she's terrible.

Skinner, I'm setting down my clipboard to signify that all future auditions are just a formality.

Lisa Simpson, reading for the part of Ilsa.

(groans) The egghead? Pass. Hard pass.

(in accent): Can I tell you a story? It's about a girl who came to Paris and met a man, a very great and courageous man.

She's good.

Yes, better than Little Miss Print shop... and there you are. Guess what, you've just been promoted a grade.

(chuckles)

Everything she knew or ever became was because of him, and she looked up to him and worshipped him with a feeling she supposed was love.

(sighs) That's it! I'll audition for Rick. Co-stars are always falling in love: Brad and Angelina, Kermit and Miss Piggy, Mrs. Brady and Greg.

The role of Ilsa goes to Lisa.

(gasps) Yes! The role I was anagrammed to play.

And since only one child auditioned for the lead role... I am proud to announce Rick will be played by...

I'm looking for a down-on-his-luck heel named Skinner.

(all gasp)

(groans)

(gasps, moans)

Who are you?

Name's Jack Deforest, and of all the schools in all the districts, I had to get transferred to this one. (clicks tongue)

You've got the part. Well, that fills out the cast. Milhouse, you're the understudy.

Understudy? Both those words are horrible.

(bird screeches)

Hey guys, my, uh, head's a little wet from the decontamination shower. Thanks.

De nada.

Let's see how that thing's working.

(whirring)

(all groan)

Homer: Not again!

Bring it back, get it working, screw it on tight.

Both screws?

Smithers: Yes.

(door slams)

He's chewing our ass 'cause he's unhappy. What are we gonna do here?

I know the answer. We have got to get that guy a woman. A woman who can find him a man.

Homer: Okay, guys, to get Smithers off our backs, I'm gonna find him a boyfriend on this.

Homer, I'm a long-haul trucker, who's home-straight and highway-gay, but, uh, how do you know about Grinder?

My wife put me on to it.

I was looking for an app for pepper grinders, and I found this.

Uh, doesn't Smithers dig Burns?

Yeah, but Burns doesn't want Smithers.

Isn't it sad, Marge, when somebody really, really, really, really wants somebody, and they're sitting across the bar from you married to Homer?

Moe, this is why I don't come here much.

Oh, yeah, you're right, Marge. Hey, uh, I'm sorry.

Moe: Oh, yeah.

(groans)

Can we just find a boyfriend for Smithers?

Homer: Finally, a use for the Internet. Hmm, no. No. Too smoldering. Too lumberjack. Too "look how fun I am." George Takei?

Click me and we will boldly go to Yogurtland, but be warned: I don't care for people who cling on. (laughs)

Homer: (groans) Hey, why am I on this? Well, only one way to find out. Swipe.

Maybe we should just invite them all to a party and see who Mr. Smithers likes.

Homer: Good idea.

(with dramatic affectation): Did somebody here swipe me?

Homer: Here's five bucks. Visit my Dad. Say you're me.

Finally, I'm paid to act.

Bart: Tell you what, if you buy a half-page ad in the program, Sam plays "As Time Goes By" with Hulk hands.

(register dings)

You have a deal.

Milhouse: I'm glad someone's getting something from this play. (sighs) As an understudy, all I get is to watch Lisa and Jack fall in love.

Oh, you're still here.

Bart: Look, Milhouse, if anything happens to that kid playing Rick... you get the part. If you catch my drift.

Milhouse: You know I can't catch.

(slurping) Don't judge me.

Lisa: Jack, you're amazing. You're blowing away everyone else in the play.

(in Peter Lorre voice): You despise me, don't you?

(in Humphrey Bogart voice): If I gave you any thought, I probably would.

(in normal voice): I'll be in my trailer. This isn't Fiji water.

Yo, dingus, someone doesn't want you in that play.

Who let you three gorillas out of the zoo?

(laughs) Gorillas.

It's not funny.

(grunting, shouting)

How'd you get the bullies to take out Jack?

The most powerful bribe in the world: a free full-page ad in the play program.

It's a funny thing about fists, everyone gets them, but not everyone gets the instruction manual.

Oh, no, his mouth wrote checks his fists could cash!

(gasps) Someone is using the go-round for non-merry purposes. Attention: in Casablanca, the part of Rick Blaine will now be played by Milhouse. Also, the cafeteria is out of buns, so for hamburgers we will now be using two slices of day-old toast. That is all.

Where you're going, I can't... Line!

Follow!

Sounds weird to me. "I can't follow." "I can't follow." Also, why would Nazis respect letters of transit signed by De Gaulle? I may be pulling on a thread, but hear me out...

(groans)

Everything looks great, Marge. That cheese is cubed perfectly.

Thank you. I get queasy when I see cubes that are cut on the bias.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, Mr. Smithers. Come in, come in, come in. Can I get you a Tom Collins?

Hello, Tom Collins.

Hmm, I see what's going on here. Fix up your boss so he won't be so hard on you. Well, nice try. I want a vodka tonic, and then I'm gonna leave.

Mr. Collins, would you be charmed by horror stories of working with Bill Shatner?

Uh, who?

I like you already.

You know what? I don't think that attitude is the real you. I believe you have a pinched nerve in your neck, and guess what? You're in luck, because I give great massage.

Sorry, not interested. (bones popping) Wow, wow. How did you do that?

Would you like to discuss that over Peruvian tapas?

Simpson, I'm stealing your bartender. Take the next couple days off.

Homer: Woo-hoo! Three day bender! Are there any gay-themed songs about celebrating?

♪ Celebrate ♪ ♪ Good times, come on ♪ ♪ Let's celebrate ♪

Did you used to jog with Monty?

Mm, sort of.

♪ Come on, let's celebrate ♪ ♪ There's a party going on right here ♪ ♪ A celebration to last throughout the years... ♪

(door opens)

(humming)

Smithers, where have you been? I'm dictating my autobiography. Chapter One: A Commotion at the Telegraph Office.

I'm afraid I have other plans.

There are no other plans. Now take my picture for the back cover.

No, sir, I don't think I will. In fact, what I'm going to do is... quit! (gasps) My God, I did it. I actually quit.

No one quits me. (groans)

One more button.

(screams)

You're forgetting who installed this system.

Ahoy-hoy!

So, you want time off for your sister's funeral? (laughs) Miss Naegle, release the hounds.

Wh-What do you mean?

Send vicious dogs to rip him to shreds.

But wouldn't I be criminally liable?

I said release! Release, release!

That sounds vaguely sexual. I'm gonna have to file a grievance. Also, let's just see how you've been treating those hounds.

What the...

Okay, we're gonna have to shut this all down.

You know, he doesn't give me health insurance... and I, uh, I think I have rabies.

Okay, that's it, Mr. Burns. I'm gonna need to speak to your head of Human Resources.

It's this guy.

Um... what are you doing?

Oh, sorry. I used to do that for Mr. Burns.

Ah, forget about Burns. Ancient-a history. I left-a the Italy 40 years ago, but do you see me-a crying in my pappardelle rustiche con salsiccia e porri?

Waylon, just what did you see in him?

Now to set her down gently on the golf course.

You're right, totally. I'm here for you.

Listen, I'm making a trip to Cuba, okay? My homeland, where my accent is not so reedickoloss. Come with me to Havana.

(Cuban music plays)

Smithers: W-wait a minute. I'm... not sure.

But this is the route we're gonna take.

Oh, what the hell, this is gonna be the time of my life. I'm in!

Lisa: (crying) Milhouse is the worst actor I've ever seen, and I have to play opposite him! He's so bad. Look at his headshot.

Marge: (groans) Whenever I'm dealing with someone who isn't doing a great job, what I do is treat them like they're perfect.

Lisa: (sniffles) Really?

Marge: If they sense you believe in them, they'll get better.

Homer: Did our taxes, Marge. The government owes us $2 million.

Marge: That is really, really great, but maybe you should check again.

Homer: What? Oh, I... my mistake. We owe them $37.

Marge: That's some nice adding.

Homer: Yeah.

(Cuban music playing)

I've done it. I'm happy. I'm in a new world and completely forgotten about... (shouts)

What, the buzzard of death? (gasps) It reminds you of him!

I'm sorry, sir.

(gasps) You address me like I am him. Everything reminds you of him! I bet that mural of him being driven out of Cuba in 1959 reminds you of him! Waylon, I am a man who needs 100% commitment, okay? Okay, well, maybe not 100, but at least, like, 20, you know, which is the percentage that your cell phone needs to stay in the green. So tell me now, Waylon. Am I in the green?

(sighs) I'm afraid not.

(sobbing) Beneath this mask I am crying.

Everyone who's replaced Smithers has been nothing but trouble. You're my lawyers, tell me what to do.

Sir, I think your only option is to get Mr. Smithers back.

You'll have to give him money.

Lots of money, but it won't be enough.

(lawyers muttering agreement)

Yes, I suppose what this calls for is a personal apology straight from my heart. Have it on my desk first thing tomorrow... and write yourselves apologies from me to you for making you work late, and they'd better sound sincere.

Lisa: You're going to be great.

I already am... because you just told me so.

Lisa: Oh. (giggles) Thank you.

So, what brought you to Casablanca?

I came here for the waters.

There are no waters in Casablanca.

I was misinformed.

(audience cheers)

Is it just me or is Milhouse really killing it? He's like a young Noah Wylie.

(groans)

If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

(audience cheers)

You did it, Marge. This earns my highest praise: get through-able.

Milhouse, you were incredible.

Maybe that's because... I'm not Milhouse.

(gasps) Oh, but, is Milhouse okay?

Is Milhouse ever okay?

Good point. (laughs)

Now let's go to the soda fountain and ask the jerk for a float with two straws.

What year are you from? (laughs) Oh, who cares?

Mr. Burns, Mr. Smithers, I make-a something very special for your reunion. One cheese pizza.

Well, Smithers, I got here as soon as I heard you wanted to meet. Took something called Uber, which I thought would be a Wehrmacht staff car, but turned out to be a... (groans) Prius, driven by a... (groans) woman. Now, down to business.

It's all here. Everything it'll take to get him back. Oh, no, forgot the Starbucks card. Is it too late to...

Sir, before you start, let me say I don't want money, and I don't want some letter written by your lawyers. I want to know why you want me back.

I see. Well, the thing is, you really care about me, don't you?

Maybe a little, still.

All right, Smithers. There's one thing I've never given you. I kept it bottled up inside all these years and here it is... your performance review.

(gasps)

It's... excellent.

Amazingly, that's enough. Thank you, sir.

♪ You must remember this ♪ ♪ A kiss is just a kiss... ♪

No music!

I heard you serve 10-year-olds.

That's referring to the age of the pickled eggs, but, uh, I'll get you a milk.

Mr. Smithers, why do guys do such stupid things when it comes to dames?

Hey, you been talking to that weird Bogart kid? He came around here trying to talk me into an expedition to find some gold. Yeah, so I'm getting the mules.

Let me tell you about dames, Milhouse. I know nothing about them, but as for love, what keeps you going is the thrill of the chase. The possibility that one day you might get what you want, even though the reality is you probably never will.

That's why I don't chase dames. Just gold. I'll be back in six months with one-third of the biggest treasure you ever saw.

(Theme from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre plays)

Woman: Shh!