The Seven Faces of Genie

(Setting: nighttime in the desert, not far from Getzistan. Aladdin and Sultan are leading a caravan towards the city. Aladdin is dressed in his "Prince Ali" outfit. Abu and Iago are also with them.)

Aladdin: (holding up Genie's lamp) Well, we're almost to Getzistan, Genie. Uh, there's something I wanna tell you.

Genie: (comes out of the lamp in the form of a plumber holding a wrench) Darn sink's clogged up worse than my arteries after eating a four-pound chili dog! Hey, what're you all gussied up about?

Sultan: Genie, I would like you and Aladdin to my honorary diplomats on this summit.

Aladdin: That's what I wanted to tell you.

Genie: Diplomats? You mean all that hoity-toity, doilies and dalmatans, important visitors from foreign lands stuff…? Awesome! I've been an aristocrat, an alley cat, a vampire bat, a thermostat, but I've never been a diplomat! (looks down at his clothes) Ugh, better dress the part. (changes into an 18th century outfit with a powdered wig, but still holding the wrench) How vulgar! (throws the wrench away)

(The wrench lands behind a nearby sanddune, where it hits something.)

Abis Mal: Ow!

Haroud: It appears they did bring the genie, sir.

Abis Mal: I hate that genie, Haroud! He's always thwarting me! But his thwarting days are over. This time we've got genie kaboom!

(Abis opens a small wooden chest. Inside are two glowing orbs.)

Haroud: The correct term is genie-negating explosive orbs, your eloquence.

Abis Mal: Orbs, smorbs, they blow up genies. Kaboom! A billion genie pieces all over the place! (laughs) Then we grab the sultan, and the throne of Agrabah will belong to me, Abis Mal.

Haroud: Why are you telling me, sir? I already know that.

Abis Mal: (threatening Haroud with an orb) Watch it, Haroud. I'll thwart you.

(Back in the caravan, Sultan is reading something from a scroll while Genie takes notes.)

Sultan: "Enjoy polite laughter, but it's wisdom you're after. Show courage and might, but keep fear within sight. Don't keep anger locked inside, as long as kindness is your guide." Gracious! I had forgotten there were so many rules for diplomacy!

Iago: I didn't forget! Who knew he'd read each and every one?

Genie: Laughter, wisdom, courage, fear, anger, kindness. Got it! Sultan, you can count on me! I'll be the best honorary diplomat-guy ever! I mean, if Al can get it right, how hard can it be?

Aladdin: Hey!

(Abis Mal and Haroud creep behind the sand dunes, keeping pace with the caravan.)

(Genie turns into a snooty-looking man in a suit with a monacle and a large mustache. He has an annoying laugh and an English accent.)

Iago: Oh, Genie! I've been thinking…

Genie: What, Iago?! Hurry, I'm practicing being diplomatic. (laughs) Oh, I jolly do so enjoy polite laughter!

Iago: When we get to Getzistan, we should spend some quality time together. You know, just you and me.

Genie: (suspicious) Uh huh. Would "quality time" involve a casino, by any chance?

Iago: They have casinos in Getzistan? Oh, you think I want you to help me cheat, that's it, isn't it?! Genie, you hurt me. Deep! If that's how you feel, I'll leave you to your lonely, bitter self! (flies away) Hey, Abu, wait! How many cards can you hide up your sleeves?

Genie: Hey, Al, did you just see something?

Aladdin: A loud, dishonest bird?

Genie: No, I think something's out there.

(Abis Mal and Haroud are still watching them from behind a dune.)

Abis Mal: Haroud, orb me. (is handed an orb) One billion genie bits coming up! (gets ready to throw the orb)

(Fireworks start going off overhead.)

Genie: Incoming! Hit the dirt!

(Genie turns the desert into trenches, then turns himself into a solder with a machine gun, firing randomly.)

Genie: This is for Joe! And this is for Moe! And this is for Barthalomew!

(Abis Mal is watching all this, still holding the orb.)

Abis Mal: Wow, it kabooms before you throw it!

(Haroud pulls Abis behind the dune again to avoid the bullets flying everywhere.)

Aladdin: Genie, it's fireworks! Fireworks, Genie! The sultan of Getzistan is welcoming us!

Genie: Huh?

(Genie looks up, and the fireworks are clearly coming from the city. Sultan Pasta al-Dente leans out the window of a tower, waving a white flag.)

al-Dente: I surrender!

Genie: Oh.

Iago: Good maneuver! Slaughter the welcome committee, why don'tcha?

Genie: I guess that wasn't very diplomatic…

(Setting: Getzistan, the next day. The sultans of Agrabah and Getzistan are walking through the Getzistan palace gardens. In the garden is a giant statue of Sultan Pasta.)

al-Dente: (reluctant) It is a great honor to see you again, my Agrabanian… friend.

Sultan: Sultan Pasta al-Dente! I assure you, last night's incident was a complete misunderstanding!

al-Dente: Um, I suppose… (laughs) Welcome, fellow sultan!

Sultan: Thank you. (looking at the statue) Oh, what a delightful resemblance!

al-Dente: Many thanks, dear sultan. It's my pride and joy. A gift from my previous visiting diplomats.

(We can see Sultan is holding a wrapped gift behind his back.)

Sultan: (nervous) A splended gift, yes, yes. Uh, we brought you a… cheese sampler.

(Aladdin and Genie are walking through the streets of Getzistan.)

Aladdin: Now look, Genie, things are a little strained between the sultans, so it's important to make a good impression. We're here on a—

Genie: Diplomatic mission! Worry not, there will be no more messups from me! Got the rules of diplomacy right here. Memory like a steel trap. (as the English gentleman) "Enjoy polite laughter," (turns into an Indian guru) "but it's wisdom you're after!" (turns back to normal) Eh, eh? Am I right?

Aladdin: You'll do fine, Genie. (walks away)

Genie: "Show courage and might, but keep fear within sight!" Or was it anger? Let's see… "Enjoy the sight of fear…" oh! That's not right! Some steel trap!

(Sultan Pasta walks up to Genie.)

al-Dente: Oh, Genie! The ceremony's in the main hall at twelve! Don't forget! (leaves)

Genie: Forget? I can't even remember! Now, let's see… "Enjoy angry laughter in the main hall of wisdom, but the ceremony's polite, so stay locked up at night!" Whoa, that's just plain weird. "Show weirdness and might, but the ceremony's at twelve…" (gasps) Is that noon or tonight?!

Iago: (landing on Genie's shoulder) Genie, about that quality time…

Genie: CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO THINK?!

(Genie disappears, then reappears in the Getzistan palace garden.)

Genie: "Enjoy polite laughter, but it's quality time you're after." No, no! "Quality time's neat, except when the bird is trying to get you to cheat!" Oh! Wish I may, wish I might, methinks that rule cannot be right! Oh, Sultan!

(Sultan is walking through the garden. Abis Mal and Haroud are watching Sultan from behind the giant statue of Sultan Pasta.)

Abis Mal: There he is! Alone!

(Genie comes up to Sultan.)

Abis Mal: That genie again! Quick, Haroud! Orb me!

Genie: You've gotta help me, Sultan! It's this diplomacy thing! Anger, laughter, courage, fear, kindness, wisdom, weirdness! I'm being pulled in so many directions I don't know what to do!

Abis Mal: Genie go boom! (lobs the orb at Genie and Sultan)

Genie: (seeing the orb flying towards them) Diplomacy dictates in this situation I show courage! Or should I display fear?

(The orb lands at Genie's feet and explodes, creating a cloud of smoke.)

Abis Mal: Ha ha! Blown to genie bits! Attack, Haroud! Attack!

(Abis and Haroud run into the cloud of smoke.)

Aladdin: (running into the smoke cloud) Genie! (cough) Sultan!

Abis Mal: We did it! I got the sultan!

(Abis runs out of the smoke cloud, and we can see he is carrying Haroud instead of Sultan.)

Haroud: Guess again, sir.

(The smoke clears. Sultan is standing there looking dazed.)

Aladdin: Sultan, what happened? That bomb!

Sultan: Goodness, I don't know! I must inform Pasta at once! (leaves)

(Aladdin and Abu see Genie lying unconscious on the ground.)

Aladdin: Genie! Genie!

Abu: (fanning Genie's face) Hello!

(Genie opens his eyes, then turns into the annoying English gentleman from before.)

Genie: Oh, my head! (laughs)

Aladdin: (laughs) He's okay!

Genie: (laughs) A monkey! And he wears a little fez! Good show! Jolly good!

Aladdin: Genie, it's me! It's Al! Don't you remember?

Genie: (laughing uncontrollably) No! Not in the least!

Aladdin: I think Genie lost his memory in that blast.

(Genie disappears.)

Aladdin: Hey, where'd he go? Genie! Genie!

(A short, angry-looking Genie is standing behind Aladdin.)

Genie: You know what really gets my goat?

Aladdin: There you are!

Genie: Animals…wearing… CLOTHES! Is it supposed to be cute?! Huh?!

Aladdin: (nervous laughter) Uh, very funny, Genie.

Genie: Oh, you like to laugh, huh? Well I'll give you something to laugh at. You see that wall? You're about to see the other side of it! The hard way! And there's nothing you can do about it, mister twinkle-toed happy boy! (lifts Aladdin over his head)

Aladdin: Genie!

(They hear annoying laughter, and turn to see the laughing Genie standing behind them, near Pasta's statue.)

Genie (laughing): Ooh, I can't stand it! Look, look! Who am I? (turns into Sultan Pasta and back, laughing)

Genie (angry): Another twinkle-toed happy boy! (puts Aladdin down) Wait here! (to Abu) If he moves, floor 'im!

Aladdin: There's two genies?

(The angry Genie walks up to the laughing Genie, picks him up, and throws him against a wall, butt first.)

Genie (laughing): I jolly well smashed me bottom!

Genie (angry): I don't like happy boys. And you know what else I don't like? ART! (creates a mallet)

Aladdin: No!

(Another Genie, dressed as a superhero, lands near Aladdin.)

Genie (superhero): How dare he call you names and dislike art! Someone needs a spanking!

Aladdin: Three?!

Genie (angry): Fore! (hits the superhero-Genie with the mallet)

(The superhero Genie is thrown backwards, where he runs into a giant, obese Genie.)

Genie (fat): Oh, I do beg your pardon.

Aladdin: Another one?!

(The superhero Genie bounces off the fat Genie, and is thrown backwards into the statue, knocking it down and breaking it into pieces. The two sultans come running out of the palace.)

al-Dente: My pride and joy! This is what you wanted to show me?!

Sultan: Uh, no!

(The angry genie walks up the stairs towards them and gets in Sultan Pasta's face.)

Genie (angry): You people with your namby-pamby! Oooh! You're all mindless and weak! You make me sick!

(Pasta scowls at Sultan, then goes back inside.)

Sultan: Sultan Pasta! I assure you, things are not as they seem! (follows him)

Aladdin: This is serious!

Abu: I know!

Genie (superhero): A minor setback! Never fear!

Genie (fat): Can I get anyone something? Backrub? Frozen dessert? A little fizzy-fizzy for your upset tummy?

Aladdin: Four Genies?! How many Genies are there?!

(Setting: the streets of Getzistan. Abis Mal and Haroud walk around a corner. Abis Mal sees something and gasps.)

Abis Mal: Haroud, explain what I'm seeing.

(There are three Genies in front of them. One is the Indian guru from before, one is dressed as a bizarre-looking jester with four eyes and a horn for a nose, and one is tiny and shivering with fear.)

Haroud: They're genies… sort of. But not our genie. At least they don't seem to remember us. Oh! Do you know what we have here?

Abis Mal: Of course I know! Tell me what I know, Haroud.

Haroud: We blew the genie to bits, all right. Several different bits of his personality! (walks over to the guru Genie) Abis Mal, meet Genie's wisdom.

Abis Mal: You mean this is not the genie's grandpa?

Wisdom: When you gaze upon a man with a white, flowing beard, look to the essence beyond that beard. But not too far beyond, because you might see a camel or something instead.

Abis Mal: What's he talking about?

(The jester Genie walks up to Abis Mal and makes honking sounds. Abis Mal screams and jumps up into Haroud's arms. He then notices something squirming around inside his hat and starts babbling incoherently. Haroud removes the hat, and the tiny, frightened Genie is hiding underneath.)

Haroud: Look, sir! You've found Genie's fear!

Fear: Please don't hurt me, I'm small!

Abis Mal: Ah, yes, the concept is very clear to me. Genie has been split into different parts. Wisdom, fear, and Genie's… (turns around to see the weird Genie has turned into a frying pan with eggs and bacon in it) …breakfast.

(The frying pan disappears, then the wierd Genie starts climbing out of Abis Mal's ear.)

Abis Mal: Aah, Haroud, get it out of me!

(The Genie lands on the ground, turns into some kind of vine.)

Abis Mal: Ugh, it's too weird!

(The weird Genie grows into an apple tree with a face, then starts eating its own apples.)

Haroud: Hmm, yes. Genie's… weirdness.

Abis Mal: Whatever! Get it away! (picks up Genie's fear) You I like. You're small and you're afraid of me.

Haroud: Enough amusement, sir. We do have a sultan to capture.

Abis Mal: Haroud! I'm having a great idea!

Haroud: No!

Abis Mal: Yes!

Haroud: You can't mean…?

Abis Mal: I do!

Haroud: What?!

Abis Mal: Ho ho! Haroud! …Tell me my great idea.

(Setting: another part of Getzistan. A crowd has gathered to watch a pair of sword jugglers, including Aladdin, Abu, and the superhero, fat, and laughing Genies.)

Aladdin: Genie's courage, Genie's kindness…

Laughter: Good show! Jolly good!

Aladdin: And Genie's laughter, that's my guess. Genie was trying to be all those things and now he is! Literally! All from that mysterious blast.

(Abu starts pounding his chest, then shrugs.)

Aladdin: No, no, I didn't forget. We've gotta find Genie's anger before he causes any more damage.

Courage: Fear not! I will find the scoundrel! (flies away)

Aladdin: No! No! We have to stick together!

(Genie's courage flies between the sword jugglers.)

Kindness: Oh, dear!

(Genie's courage has been cut into several pieces. The jugglers look at him, horrified.)

Courage: It only looks like it hurts!

Laughter: He's rather a clumsy oaf for such a brave chap, eh? Ha ha ha ha!

Aladdin: I really miss Genie.

(Setting: Another part of Getzistan. Iago is literally thrown out of a casino.)

Iago: Barbarians! Haven't you ever heard of credit?! How's a bird supposed to gamble with no money? Hey!

(Iago sees Genie's anger walking towards him.)

Iago: Genie, old buddy! Look, Club Nest Egg! Forget that it's a casino, I hear that they have the most delightful floorshow.

(Genie's anger grabs Iago, choking him.)

Iago: Problem?

Anger: Yeah! I hate talking birds! (throws Iago against a wall)

Courage: (running up to him) Hark! A bird has hit a wall!

(Iago opens his eyes and sees Genie's laughter walking towards him.)

Laughter: Good show!

Iago: No! No! Keep him away from me!

Aladdin: Iago, it's okay!

Iago: Okay?! He threw me into a wall at ninety miles-per! You call that okay?!

Aladdin: Not him, Iago. Genie's anger!

Courage: Which way did the fiend go?

(Iago looks back and forth between Genie's laughter and courage, confused.)

Kindness: Oh, birdie! I will nurse you back to health and call you Birdie-Birdie!

Iago: Al? Is there something you should tell me?

(Setting: another part of Getzistan. Abis Mal and Haroud are talking to the three other Genies.)

Abis Mal: But you have to help me! You have to, have to, have to!

Fear: He's gonna stomp something! I know it! It's gonna happen!

Abis Mal: I am the rightful ruler of Agrabah! Because, uh… the sultan is a very bad man!

Haroud: Hence the name Sultan the slaughering Hun, bringer of unbelievable nastiness.

Wisdom: I agree, this evil despot must be stopped! But I am not a fighter. (changes into a boxer's outfit, and the gloves are so heavy that he falls over) See? And contrary to the axiom, I do not believe anyone will fear Fear itself.

Fear: (burying his head in the sand) Unbelievable nastiness! Aah!

Wisdom: Though you seem to have a secret weapon in that fellow! (points at Genie's weirdness)

(Genie's weirdness is dressed as a hunter. He throws his head up into the air and shoots at it with a gun. A giant fish falls out of the sky, and his head floats back down and blows a raspberry at him.)

Haroud: Sir, perhaps it's time we looked elsewhere for our secret weapon?

Abis Mal: Maybe we just need more genies! (gets ready to throw an orb) You! Stand over there!

Haroud: (taking the orb away from Abis) Let's not make things any worse than they are.

Abis Mal: Worse? How worse, huh? How?

(Genie's anger runs up to them, picks up Abis Mal, and throws him against a wall.)

Abis Mal: Haroud, why did he do that?

Haroud: Because you're… annoying, sir?

Anger: What annoying? I just didn't like the cut of his beard!

Haroud: Ah! Perhaps we've found our secret weapon after all!

(Setting: a street in Getzistan. Aladdin, Iago, and Abu are walking with Genie's kindness, courage, and laughter.)

Iago: Get Genie back into one piece? Yeah, that's gonna happen! Where are all the pieces, anyway?

Aladdin: I don't know…

(Abis Mal falls out of the sky in front of them.)

Aladdin: Abis Mal!

Anger: Point that beard at me again and I'll rip your spine out!

Aladdin: Genie's anger!

Iago: So long! I like my spine! (flies away)

Anger: Oh, it's the happy boy!

Haroud: Forget him, there's no time!

(Haroud points across the street, where the two sultans are admiring a small bust of Sultan Pasta.)

Aladdin: Sultan!

Anger: Okay! But I'm only doing this because you said I could use dimwit over there for a punching bag!

al-Dente: Very well, dear sultan. I will give the genie one more chance.

(The bust turns into Genie's weirdness, who then sucks up Sultan Pasta with his nose. Genie's anger pushes Sultan out of the way, grabs Pasta, and ties him up in chains.)

Courage: Unhand him, you cur!

(Genie's weirdness shoots a fish out of his nose at Courage. Aladdin tries to tackle Anger.)

Aladdin: Let him go! (is thrown to the ground)

Fear: Oh, this'll never work!

Anger: (throwing Pasta to Fear) Run for your life, yip yip!

(Genie's fear runs away, carrying Sultan Pasta. Abis Mal and Haroud are watching all of this from a distance with a telescope.)

Haroud: They just seized the wrong small chubby guy with the big hat!

Abis Mal: How big a hat are we talking?

(Genie's wisdom appears next to Aladdin.)

Wisdom: Some sage advise: avoid confrontation. It can lead to severe physical harm.

Aladdin: Seven Genies?!

(Genie's wierdness turns into Dopey from Snow White, then runs away.)

Sultan: Genie just kidnapped Pasta al-Dente!

Aladdin: Uh, Genie's not exactly himself these days.

(Setting: an alley. Abis Mal and Haroud are standing over Sultan Pasta, who is still chained up. Abis is trying on Pasta's hat.)

Abis Mal: Clean, firm line. Jewel, large but tasteful. This is one swell hat!

Haroud: Sir, why bother with Agrabah when Getzistan's throne is already yours? After all, it has a thriving economy, glitz, glamour…

Abis Mal: Yes! Yes!

Aladdin: Sorry to spoil your plans, fellas.

Abis Mal: Aladdin? And more genies? Get them!

(Genie's wisdom, fear, and wierdness run to attack the other Genies. Weirdness flies up to Kindness and points two revolvers at him.)

Kindness: (gasp) Please! Lay down your arms!

(Genie's weirdness's arms drop off. Wisdom tries to punch Laughter, but he's too weak to hurt him.)

Laughter: In this corner… (starts giggling)

(Genie's anger appears and picks up Abis Mal.)

Anger: I thought I told you to trim the beard! (throws him)

(Aladdin unlocks Pasta's chains.)

Aladdin: Run, Pasta!

(Haroud tackles Aladdin. Wisdom is still trying to fight Laughter. Anger is jumping up and down on Courage's chest, but not hurting him, while Fear watches.)

Laughter: Ha ha ha! Jolly good!

Anger: (to Fear) Make yourself useful!

Fear: No! Please, no!

(Anger shoves Fear into Laughter's mouth, shutting him up. The Genies are now all in one huge dogpile fighting each other.)

Abis Mal: That's it! I've got my hat! Let's just finish this right now! (takes an orb out of his caftan)

Haroud: No! Sir! (breaks away from Aladdin and runs to Abis) You don't know what this will do!

Aladdin: That's the bomb that blew Genie apart!

Wisdom: One blow to the noggin makes a man lose his wits, but those wits return with a second blow.

Aladdin: You mean the bomb could blow him back together just as easy?

Wisdom: I am a vessel of knowledge, vast and profound… and, I saw it once on TV.

Aladdin: It's my only hope!

(Aladdin tackles Abis Mal to try to take the orb from him. Haroud stands over them holding a piece of wood like a club.)

Haroud: Allow me, sir!

Abu: Oh, yeah? (jumps on Haroud's head and takes the club from him) Come on! Come on!

(Sultan is explaining to Pasta what happened to Genie.)

Sultan: …so you see, Abis Mal tricked some of those parts into kidnapping you.

(Aladdin and Abis Mal are still fighting. The orb flies out of Abis's hand, and Aladdin runs over and catches it. Aladdin throws the orb into the pile of fighting Genies, where it explodes.)

Aladdin: Come on, come on!

(When the smoke clears, the Genies are still separate.)

Anger: Interruptions make me mad!

Courage: Last one into the fray is a rotten kumquat!

(The Genies start fighting again.)

Aladdin: It didn't work!

Abis Mal: It didn't? Cheap orb!

Aladdin: It didn't work. It wasn't the bomb, it was Genie! Genie was trying to be too many things at once!

Abis Mal: What?

(Abu hits Abis Mal in the stomach with the club, and he falls over.) 

Abu: All right!

Aladdin: Genie, be yourself! We want the old Genie back!

(The Genies all start to melt.)

Anger: Hey! What gives?

Aladdin: That's it! We want that old Genie back again! Right, Sultan?

Sultan: Well, uh, yes.

al-Dente: Absolutely!

(The Genies all merge together and become the normal Genie again.)

Aladdin: Genie!

Genie: Whoa… Good thinking, Al! Guess that's all I needed to hear.

Aladdin: Genie, I missed you.

Genie: Aw, shucks, it's great to be back! Sorry I didn't bring you anything. I was being pulled in so many directions I didn't know what to get you. Hang on a sec, important call.

(Abis Mal and Haroud are trying to sneak away. Genie zaps them and they are trapped in a cage.)

Abis Mal: I hate being thwarted!

Genie: Now would you say that this is an occasion to enjoy laughter or share wisdom?

Aladdin: Genie, I think I'm speaking for everybody when I say, just be yourself.

Iago: (landing on Genie's shoulder) Oh, Kindness! You promised me some quality time! I know you're in there!

Genie: Well, almost everybody.

THE END