My Left and Right Foot

[The opening teaser: The girls are at Bayview Mall to get some new shoes.]

D.J.: Oh, I love the smell of a shoe sale in the morning.

Stephanie: Yeah, a store full of shoes and Dad's credit card. It's like winning the lottery.

Salesman: Good morning, ladies. Can I help you?

Michelle: Yeah, I need some new shoes. It's getting kinda crowded down here.

Kimmy: Actually, we're all looking to spruce up the ol' dogs. [She takes off her shoe, and as any loyal fan would know by now... smelly socks. The salesman backs away immediately.]

Salesman: Excuse me a minute.

Stephanie: Those dogs need to be put to sleep. [While they shop, the salesman finds an 'Unwanted' poster on his counter, showing mugshots of Kimmy on the left and her smelly feet on the right.]

[The salesman has checked Michelle's feet and has concluded them to be 'healthy'.]

Michelle: The man said I have healthy feet.

Stephanie: That's just a nice way of saying big. You've grown two sizes this year.

Michelle: Is that a lot?

Kimmy: Not for 'Big foot'.

Stephanie: Looks like all your little piggies went to market, and stopped off at the on the way home! [The girls laugh.]

D.J.: Look at the bright side, Michelle. By the time you get to high school, you'll be able to water-ski without skis! [The girls laugh again.]

Michelle: My feet aren't that big.

Stephanie: [finding an enormous sneaker] Do you have this for Michelle... in a larger size? [And the girls laugh again.]

[Upstairs in Stephanie and Michelle's room, Michelle is sitting on her bed, reading "The Children's Book of World Records" (see Trivia). Comet sits nearby.]

Michelle: Comet, this book has all the world records in it. Biggest head...biggest ears... here it is! Biggest feet! Oh no! [She shows Comet the picture.] That's what I'm gonna look like someday.

[And the picture also scares Comet to the point that he runs out of the room as Stephanie comes in.]

Stephanie: Hey, Michelle. [And that causes Michelle to quickly shut the book (and not just literally, either).] Hmm, Children's Book of World Records? Whatcha reading about?

Michelle: [trying to keep her feet issue a secret] Uh, the world's biggest.... tomato!

Stephanie: How big is it?

Michelle: Too big.

Stephanie: By now it's probably a case of ketchup/catsup!

Jesse: All right, boys. It's time to go to sleep. But first, we got a special treat for you. Danny: Guys, we used to do this for Michelle when she was your age. Joey: And the tradition continues. Lullabies: the next generation. Jesse: All right, gentlemen. Start your vocal chords. [singing] Hello. Joey: Hello. Danny: Hello. Jesse, Joey & Danny: [harmonizing] Hello.

[Michelle is soaking her feet in a bucket of ice water by her bed, as Lisa watches.]

Michelle: [shivering] Are they s-s-s-s-smaller?

Lisa: No, but they're bluer.

[D.J. and Stephanie enter the room and are completely shocked at what they see.]

D.J.: Michelle, what are you doing?

Stephanie: That's ice water.

Michelle: [shivering] D-d-d-d-duh.

D.J.: What are you doing, making a bunion Slurpee (see Trivia)? Get outta there.

Michelle: No, I'm not d-d-done.

[They all overlap each other, as D.J. lifts her out and Stephanie helps by holding Michelle's elbow with her right hand and gripping her with her left. Her older sister grips the body to keep her from getting back in.]

D.J.: Yes, you are. You need to get out.

Stephanie: Michelle, get out of there.

D.J.: No, Michelle.

Stephanie: I can't believe you're gonna freeze your feet off!

D.J.: [loudly, as she points to Michelle's feet] Yeah! You're gonna freeze your feet off!

[Then Joey and Danny come in, hearing the commotion.]

Danny: [loudly] OK, OK, OK! [normal voice] Go to your neutral corners, please. [He separates them, and picks Michelle up and sets her on her bed.]

Joey: Oh, that's where all the ice went. I'm over here having a nice warm sarsaparilla [takes some ice out of the tub and puts it in his drink].

Stephanie: Dad, Michelle was soaking her feet in ice water. [Hearing that causes Joey to spit out his drink.]