Personal Bloopers

(The "Bloopers!" logo shows up, and then the host walks onto the screen, moving it out of view.)

Bloopers Host: Are you ready for more of those hilarious bloopers? Well, unfortunately, those hilarious clips have to be licensed, costing money, which is in short supply since our CPA liquidated our assets and blew town to go feast on Thai school boys. [audience laughs] So instead, here are some hilarious clips from my very own life!

(The first blooper is of the host [as a kid] and his father watching TV [which shows a singing woman].)

Bloopers Host: Daddy, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry that pretty singer. She's the prettiest girl I've ever seen!

(But in objection, his father jumps up to start whipping him with his belt.)

Bloopers Host: No, Daddy, don't!

Bloopers Host's Father: Her first name is Boy, dill-weed! [his son runs into the kitchen] You come back here! This is f***ing kryptonite, son! [snap back to the present host]

Bloopers Host: You might say my balls were scared straight. [audience laughs again] This next clip really made me the butt of the joke. [points to his behind as he says this]

(The Bloopers Host is seen at a small bar in Mexico, cheering as he munches on a taco [which he mistakes for a burrito].)

Bloopers Host: This burrito is spicy! [chugs down a glass of water] Nothing beats Mexican tap water. [stomach starts to groan, making him hold it in pain] That was probably a mistake.

(We cut to the host defecating in a restroom on the toilet, looking more and more stressed as he does. As we move by several shots of him, they get faster and faster until his diarrhea can no longer fit in the toilet and bursts out, leaving it splattered across the room and the toilet in pieces. Afterwards, we go back to the host during the present.)

Bloopers Host: My asshole is still fifty percent scar tissue. [spins around, making the audience laugh some more] Between Montezuma's revenge and Boy George, it was gonna happen one way.. or another.

(The next clip is of the host and a friend of his at a party, where a fat girl balances a plate of food on her chest.)

Friend: Aw, come on, man. You've gotta cash in that V card sometime. You're the only virgin I know, bro.

Bloopers Host: Mmm, yeah, but she's so...

Friend: Dude, it's starter p***y! You'll work your way up the food chain; I promise.

(We snap to the host in bed with the fat girl, indicating that they have just had sex.)

Bloopers Host: [groans] Geez, sorry. It was my first time.

Fat Girl: Yeah, you said that. I've got an early class, so...

Bloopers Host: It's probably a bit late to put this [condom] on, huh?

Fat Girl: [panicked and angry] You didn't put- ?! Oh, my God!

(We flips to sometime later, where the host opens the door to talk with the girl.)

Fat Girl: Well, I'm pregnant.

Bloopers Host: [confused] How can you tell? [cut back to the present host]

Bloopers Host: Well, that's all the time I have. Yep, it's goodbye to the Bloopers Host. You might say, "Time is up." [takes out two swords] For my next trick, I'll need an assistant. Please welcome my pregnant thirteen year old daughter, Stephanie. That's right! I was such a good parent, God is bumping me to grandparent status way ahead of schedule.

Stephanie: [frustrated, grabbing one sword] Dad, my ankles hurt! Please drive me home.

Bloopers Host: Just as soon as Daddy commits Hara-Kiri, honey. So when I disembowel myself, you cut my head off with the katana!

Stephanie: [sighs] I'll be in the car. [audience laughs, insulting the host]

Bloopers Host: Stop mocking me.

(From his point of view, there is no audience on the seats, but we can hear louder laughs, making the host almost cry.)

Bloopers Host: Stop mocking me! [is about to stab himself when Stephanie calls off-screen]

Stephanie: Dad!

Bloopers Host: Coming!

(He drops the sword and walks out of the studio with a frustrated look on his face. Lastly, we cut to Stephanie all alone with the title: "Stephanie Miscarried" underneath her; then an airplane flies by and shoots her mid-section to make it say: "THE END", concluding the episode.)