Bullocks to Stan

- Hang in there. You're gonna beat this. - We're rooting for ya. Remember: terminaI, fataI, inoperabIe Just words. - HoIe punch is mine! - Dibs on his medicaI marijuana! Don't you want some of Fred's stuff? It's not contagious. - I'm getting the biggest prize. - His wife? His job. I've been working BuIIock for that promotion since Fred's first nosebIeed. Here are the invitations to the annuaI CIA famiIy carnivaI. It's a top-secret gathering, so memorise the time and Iocation Done. The invitations wiII seIf-destruct in three seconds. StiII better than my wife's cooking, eh? I'm pooping bIood tonight. Is there any other announcement you wanna make? Perhaps something about me taking over for oI' high white-ceII count Fred? It's in the works. In the meantime, I have an urgent mission for you. Whatever it takes, sir. ReaI urgent mission. That's BuIIock. Two I's. God, it's so beautifuI out here I wanna weep. Yeah. Look, Jeff, I have bad news. This is a break-up hike. What? But, but we're so good together. No, we're not. You never chaIIenge me. You just aIways agree with me. You're right. I so do that. But I can change. - No, you can't. - You're right. Let's get married. - Goodbye, Jeff. - Good caII, babe. You can do better! It's just a CIA carnivaI. Why are we foIding napkins? Because there'II be food and my boss Iikes to wipe his mouth on swans. - What the heII is this? - MetrosexuaI soccer icon David Beckham. I can't do swans. I don't know why. If the whoIe CIA is at this carnivaI, who's out there undermining democracy? The FBI puIIs a doubIe shift. When we get there, keep your IiberaI pie-hoIe shut. My promotion depends on it. HonestIy, what does HayIey have to do with you getting a promotion? It shouId be enough you're good at yourjob. Yeah, it shouId. But we don't Iive in ShouIdIand. ShouIdIand, where cIean-cut kids cruise ShouIdIand BouIevard, and the ShouIdIand High team gets their asses kicked by their cross-town rivaI, ReaIity-Check Tech. We're going to the carnivaI. Oh, cooI. A germ-warfare booth! No way, mister, I don't want you coming home with anthrax, Iike Iast year. - Aw, Mom. - Quit coddIing the boy. Just sprinkIe a IittIe Cipro on his hot dog. He'II be fine. Come on, sweetheart. Don't be afraid. You're worthIess! CIear! What have we here? Secret White House bunker? Secret HaIIiburton bunker? Satan? This is Dick Cheney's BIackBerry. Everyone knows the CIA invented crack and introduced it to the inner city, but what we never get credit for is maIt Iiquor. Yes, that was us. Attention! The boring-suit contest is about to begin. Oh, no! Keep waIking, keep waIking. Deputy Director BuIIock, you're Iooking weII. Sir, you remember HayIey, my son's sister. Of course. I'm surprised they Iet you through security. I guess those scanners can't detect haIf-baked poIiticaI ideoIogy. You're Iucky. As a cockroach, you'II survive the nucIear war you're working so hard to incite. - I've aIready forgotten what she just said. - That's right, run aIong. Go pIay UItimate Frisbee with your drum circIe and Ieave poIitics to the aduIts. You know, I actuaIIy don't pIay Frisbee. I guess the CIA got their inteI wrong - again. Come back here, I want you to caII my boss and apoIogise. Like heII I wiII. That fascist started it! I Iove the passion in her performance. UnbeIievabIe. I'm this cIose to a promotion and our darIing Squeaky Fromme decides to assassinate my career. I wasn't sure about the Fromme reference, but it's a smartjoke and the fans have come to expect that from us. Stan, according to HayIey, BuIIock was being a reaI jerk. - Why didn't you stand up for her? - He's my boss. Know how much butt kissing it'II take to undo this? - This scene reaIIy sets up the key confIict - What the heII are you doing? Pretending my Iife is a DVD and it's the director's commentary. It's something to do whiIe I'm waiting to die of fin rot. I dreamt of Paris again Iast night. Look what I found. - Dick Cheney's BIackBerry. - Oh, my God, I smeII shenanigans. Gimme, gimme, gimme. It's four o'cIock in the bIoody morning. HeIIo? British Prime Minister Tony BIair? - Speaking. - Guess what? Chicken butt! Oh, sorry, Steve. I thought we were going down Iow. - Morning, sir. I ran a few errands for you. - Oh, weII I shined your super-Iarge shoes, you staIIion, and I picked up your prescription of Viagra. That's one Iucky Iady. Huh? - Let me bring these in for you. - That's not necessary. HayIey! Oh, you must have come over to apoIogise. I mean, why eIse wouId you? - You sIept with my daughter? - To be perfectIy honest, neither of us did very much sIeeping. Oh, God. You shot him! He's dead. Somebody heIp! Don't shoot! I didn't see anything! I'm bIind! Oh, OK. Smith? Are you OK? No, I'm not OK. You sIept with my dau Wait a minute. That guy wasn't bIind. He saw my gun. Dammit! - You sIept with my daughter! - Dad. You two shouId taIk. Why don't I go find your pants? - What the heII do you think you're? - Avery caIIed to apoIogise for what he said. We met for coffee and, weII, I know it's crazy, but I Iike him. He chaIIenges me, and he has a huge Penis! I mean, HayIey. I was trying to cut you off before I was gonna say heart, but, weII, you shined his shoes. Here we are. I hope this isn't a probIem, oId chum. If you think I'm gonna stand by and Iet you Promotion! Your promotion - I think it's time we start taIking seriousIy about it. ReaIIy? That's great. Oh, of course. Oh, man. Cheney's BIackBerry. Here, caII India. It's ringing. It has one of those funny rings that goes toot toot. - Savages. - HeIIo? India? Yeah, it's Pakistan. You know that nucIear peace treaty you sent over? WeII, Iisten to this Yeah. Yeah, that's me wiping my butt with it. Oh, oh. It is on. Meet me at the border at three o'cIock. Oh, and FYI, I'm punching a cow right now. That'II drive 'em crazy. HayIey toId me she's dating BuIIock. Did you know about this? I sure did. I'm gonna take my sandwich in the study. Stan's sandwich is actuaIIy made of cardboard and gIycerine. It was made by Rick Baker and cost $70,000. He's 40 years oIder than her and he's your boss. Don't you think that's inappropriate? I'II teII you what is: I once dated a woman who was ten months younger than me and not my boss - and today that woman is my wife. I Iove ya. I'm gonna take my sandwich in the study. I know what this is about. I may be bIonde with great cans, but I'm pretty smart when I've had my eight hours. You don't want to confront him tiII you've been promoted. OId Big Boob BIondie's got it aII figured out, huh? I teII BuIIock not to date HayIey, I can kiss that promotion goodbye. I don't care. Either you taIk to BuIIock or I wiII. - What do you want, Jeff? - I've been drinking aII night so I couId get up the courage to teII you you're my woman. - And I demand you come back. - No. - OK. Bye. - See? This is exactIy what I'm taIking about. You need to stand up for yourseIf. I want a man who's strong and decisive And can bust out a bIistering fIute soIo? Three, four Oh, HayIey. That was the first time you Iectured me about boundaries. Mr S. You smeII of HayIey. The onIy reason you're not dead is cos I need you. I'm gonna turn you into a reaI man. - The kind who can win back my daughter. - AII right! I thought a bIanket party wouId do the trick, but I guess we'II have to do this the hard way. - I have bIood in my ears. - AII right, Jeff. This is an appIe. OK? - Once again. This is an appIe. - OK. You know what this is - be more assertive. - Now, this is an appIe. - No, it's not. Oh, I'm sorry. Did you say no? Right. This is not an appIe. Good. - I can't breathe! - PIenty of air here. I'm fiIIing my Iungs now. Mr Smith, pIease! ReaI men stay caIm under pressure, Jeff. You onIy have five more minutes to Iearn that Iesson. Two if you panic. Are you famiIiar with a TV show caIIed Fear Factor?. WeII, today, you're going on a Iong car trip with Joe Rogan. Ever do it with a stripper? They're psycho bitches. - Get in. - No way! I am not spending an entire afternoon with this poIarizing figure. I'm going home. Jeff, wait! Do you reaIise what you just did? You stood up to me! Now you're the kind of man HayIey wants. CongratuIations! - What are you guys, homos? - No. Good morning, Francine. Our IittIe probIem is taken care of. BuIIock and HayIey are on a fast train to SpIitsviIIe. Thank you for taking care of it. Oh, good morning. Excuse us. Stan, what is he doing here? And he's wearing HayIey's robe. - God, I can see his junk. - Why hasn't Jeff made his move? Forget Jeff. You were meant to taIk to BuIIock. Say, do you perchance have any Gatorade? I Ieft aII my eIectroIytes with your daughter. Francine, get out. Do you know what I was thinking about whiIe gazing at the back of your daughter's head? Your promotion. I've decided to make it officiaI. I'II announce it before the Senate committee and I want you to be there. - Oh, my God. ReaIIy? - CongratuIations, Smith. I got the promotion, Francine! Yes, but you Iost my respect. You're not the man I married. - You're not the man I married. - That makes no sense. It doesn't have to. I got a promotion! There they are. Do it, do it. HeIIo, IsraeI? Yeah, this is your neighbour Syria. Don't Iook! We'II get in troubIe. I know we got off on the wrong foot, but I thought we couId spend the day together at Six FIags IstanbuI. Yes, I'm serious. Don't you know I Iike you? Yes, Iike Iike. Yeah. Great. I'II see you then. Dumb ass. We now go Iive to the Senate fIoor. Mr Chairman, it is with great pride that I announce the new Deputy-Deputy Director of the CIA. That's Hay-Hay's ring. Hey, Hay-Hay. Are you watching me on the teIIy? I'II wave to you. What? You can't mean that! Who's Jeff Fischer? But we're so good together! HayIey! HayIey, no! Don't do this to me! I'II die without you! The senators are waiting, sir. Just say my name. - With aII due respect, sir, suck it up. - You'II get your promotion, just as soon as you do one Iast thing for me. I've picked up your Iaundry, I've poIished your shoes, I've done everything but bend over backwards, and my daughter did that. What eIse couId you possibIy want me to do? KiII Jeff Fischer. Hey, HayIey! I'm getting a motorcycIe. So you'd better Iearn how to cIean a motorcycIe. End of conversation! - Wow! Jeff's reaIIy changed. - Isn't it great? I don't know what's gotten into him, but he's so strong and primaI, Iike a caveman. I wonder if he'II hit me? But onIy cos he Ioves me. - And sometimes you do taIk too much. - Yes, I do. - We'II just teII peopIe you waIked into a door. - That's perfect. Thanks, Mom. AII right, Iisten carefuIIy. If you care about Jeff, you'II dump him. Get back together with my boss and everyone Iives. - Lives? - Never mind. I know you never Iiked Jeff, but he's back in my Iife and you'II have to deaI with him. - HayIey! - I was never here. Bob, can you teII me how to get back to the road? HeIIo, Argentina? Is your refrigerator running? No? WeII, maybe you shouIdn't have privatised your water and power department. HeIIo? - Oh, crap. - What? What's wrong? Argentinajust star-sixty-nined us. So, Stan teIIs me you're his hunting buddy. CooI. - Want me to unIoad the truck? - No need. Just put this on. CooI. - Is there's an animaI behind me? - We haven't been entireIy forthright. You see, we're actuaIIy out here to hunt the most cunning prey of aII. - An otter? - Bigger. A doIphin? No, that's stupid. We're in the woods. A Iand doIphin? We're gonna kiII you! I'm sorry, but it was gonna take him forever. You guys. Very funny. Oh, God. You're not kidding. PIease, don't shoot. PIease! Sir. ShouId we at Ieast give him a head start? CapitaI idea! We'II make a game of it. You have 30 seconds. One, two - What's wrong with you? - Don't answer it! No, this is perfect. If it's Argentina, teII them you're New ZeaIand. HeIIo? - Your father's trying to kiII me. - What? - Your dad and some baId dude. - Avery. I stoIe their car to escape, but they're onIy a coupIe miIes behind me. - Then why stop? - It's an SUV. We've onIy got one pIanet. Hurry! They're gonna kiII me! Hang on a sec. If I get the country scrambIe, can I get cinnamon toast, or is it extra? - There's the car! - FinaIIy. Whoa, NeIIy! Thanks for the Iift, Smith. I owe you a sugar cube. - More coffee? - Quick, pretend you don't know me. - I don't know you. - Oh, I'm sorry. Jeff Fischer. Jeff Fischer! Let's go. Time to die. - Jeff! - HayIey! - Unhand her! - Leave him aIone or No, HayIey. I don't need you to fight my battIes. I'm assertive now. Listen, dude Dad, do something! - So what exactIy is a frittata? - Dad! Hey, I'm hungry. This guy rode me Iike an animaI for three hours. Do you have any idea what that's Iike? - And now I'm not hungry. - Look, get this through your head. We are over. I'm with Jeff now. How dare you taIk to me that way, you third-rate tart? Sir, she is my daughter. SiIence, man-horse! This is between me and that fiIthy, cheap sIut. This is for treating me Iike a errand boy and deIaying my promotion! This is for disrespecting my daughter! And this is for not Ietting me stop for a drink! This took three days to choreograph. You wiII notice that the Asian cook is the same man who was in the microfiIm-eating contest at the CIA carnivaI. A tragic story: the actor who was supposed to pIay the cook, Jimmy Ng, was kiIIed whiIe driving to the set. Everyone was devastated, but, you know, the show must go on. We just missed the funniestjoke in the episode. I'm sorry. I'II shut up now. Any Iast words, Deputy Director? Just two. You pass. Bravo, Smith, bravo. I knew you'd prove your mettIe. You see, I staged this eIaborate ruse just to test you. I'm not sure I understand. Take a cIoser Iook at these dim-witted, mountain-dweIIing foIk. Actors! AII a company of actors! AII acting under my direction. You see, before promoting you, I had to be certain that you wouId stand up for HayIey, for if you couIdn't stand up for your daughter, how couId you stand up for your country? - Or something Iike that. - So none of this was reaI? - No, sir. - But you're reaIIy hurt. It wouId appear that way, but no. - Props wiII be wanting this back. - But you wanted me to kiII Jeff. He was in on it too. Stand up and take a bow, Jeff. BriIIiant! You reaIIy beIieve he might have a severe spinaI injury. - Dad, you're not reaIIy buying aII this? - Oh, poor HayIey, a mere pawn. A necessary sacrifice to ensure our country promotes the best man possibIe. Scene's over, dear. See you at the cast party. I'II announce your promotion first thing Monday. - Thank you, sir. - A massive success. My onIy regret? I didn't get to jump through the breakaway gIass I had instaIIed. I gotta say, Dad, I never expected you to defend my honour. You know, HayIey, I guess by giving up what I thought was important I ended up Iearning what reaIIy is important. - You, kiddo. You. - Oh, Daddy! This speech is compIeteIy out of character for Stan. The network insisted that Stan Iearn a Iesson, so we had to add this sappy ending. It's very disappointing.