Lawnmower Chicken

(We open with Chicken outside mowing a storm of grass while Cow finishes licking a dish clean inside and adds it to a pile of clean dishes. She is wearing yellow rubber gloves on her hands and udders and an apron, which she removes and walks into the living room to Mom and Dad.)

Mom: "Cow, have you finished your chores?"

Cow: "Oh, yes, Mom. I did all the dishes."

(Chicken walks up to them.)

Dad: "Chicken, did you do a good job on the lawn?" (He gives Chicken a wad of bills with his feet.) "Here’s your $6.00 for the week."

Chicken: All right!

Dad gives Cow a wad of bills with his feet.

Dad: "And here’s your $6.00, Cow."

Cow: "Oh, oh, goodie! Now I can buy Piles the Beaver doll!"

Chicken: "Yeah, you do that. I got other plans for my loot."

Dad: [taps his foot] "Chicken, aren’t you forgetting something?"

Chicken: "Uh, like what?"

Dad: "Like the Iron Lung you wrecked at the old folks’ home. $2.00 a week. That’s what we agreed upon."

Chicken: "Oh, yeah. You know, it must have slipped my mind." (He hands Dad two dollars.)

Dad: "That only leaves $3,898 dollars until you’re payed up."

Mom: "Oh, and Chicken, I’ll need $1.00 for the underwear I had to buy after your, heh, heh, little accident last week." (She takes two dollars from Chicken with her feet.) "Oh, and $2.00 to fix the pork butts and taters catapult you screwed up yesterday." (She takes another two dollars with her feet.)

Cow: "And, and remember that dollar I loaned you at the fair so you could dive into that vat of generic lime gelatin?" (She takes a dollar from Chicken, leaving him with no money left.)

Chicken: "Ooh, Mom, I needed that money to buy socks!"

Mom: "Chicken, you’ll have to learn not to spend all your money before you get it."

Dad: "I’ll bet if you asked old Mr. Devlin, he’d pay you to mow his lawn."

Mom: "Ooh, since it would be difficult for him with those peg legs, the ground being so moist and all."

Chicken: "You know, that ain’t a bad idea."

(The camera dissolves to Chicken driving the lawn mower down the sideewalk whistling. He stops and sees an old decrepid house covered with a lawn that is taller than Cow. He pulls his lawn mower up to the house grunting. He finally gets it up and knocks on the door. Mr. Devlin sticks his head out angrily, a spider-web sticking onto his face from the doorway.)

Red Guy: (bellowing) I TOLD YOU PEOPLE TO LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I TOLD YOU TO BEAT IT! (calms down) Oh, sorry. I thought you was my grandmas. What’s up, pal? Selling Woman Scout cookies?

(Chicken gets on his hands and knees.)

Chicken: (pleading) "Oh, no, no, sir. I-I, was, uh, wondering if you would like your lawn mowed, uh, for a small fee, of course."

Red   Guy: "Yes. How small a fee?"

Chicken: "Oh, uh, say, uh, $20 bucks?"

Red   Guy: "$20 BUCKS?! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I’ll give you $2."

Chicken: "How 'bout $10?"

Red   Guy: "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO: TAKE ADVANTAGE OF AN OLD MAN?! Two bucks, take it or leave it."

(Chicken looks at the enormous grass.)

Chicken: "All right, I’ll take it."

Red   Guy: I’ll give you the money, and if you don’t finish by sundown, I’M NOT PAYING A CENT! (He goes back inside and slams the door shut.)

Chicken: "No problemo. All right!"

(He quickly mows the lawn all over until he is finished and out of breath. The grass is now very short and he goes up to the porch.)

Chicken: "Phew."

(He knocks on the door and Mr. Devlin opens it and sticks his head out.)

Red   Guy: "WHAT IS IT NOW, Chicken?"

Chicken: "I’m finished with your yard, Mr. Devlin."

Red   Guy: "YOU THINK I GOT RAISIN BRAN FOR BRAINS?! You’ve still got the backyard to do, sonny."

(Chicken wheels the lawn mower into the backyard out of breath and stops as he sees the Swiss Alps in the backyard.)

Chicken: "Dang, it’s the Swiss Alps!"

(Cow rides up behind him on her tricycle.)

Cow: "Mom sent me to check on you, Chicken. Mr. Devlin called and said you was lazy."

Chicken: "Lazy? Lazy? LAZY?!" [breathes hard] "AH, DANG!!"

(Mr. Devlin watches through the window. Chicken runs up the Swiss Alps mowing the grass frantically. He drives past the dead corpse of another lawn mower, a corpse of a Spanish conquistador, and a corpse of a Civil War Union soldier. Cow looks at him through a pair of binoculars.)

Cow: "I will help my brother!"

(She gets down on her hind legs and starts eating the grass. She moos. Chicken drives past a mountain goat by a sign marked “‘5000 Ft” and past a sign marked “10,000 Ft.” and past a sign marked “25,000 Ft.” He drives over to an upside-down cliff. It turns right side up and the sign says “150,000 Ft.” He is shown to be standing on the bottom of a cliff. He falls down the mountain with his lawn mower, collecting an enormous ball of grass rolling down. Cow sees the ball of grass and gasps. She runs off and comes back as Supercow.)

Supercow: "¡Supercow al rescate! Moo!"

(She flies into the air and opens her mouth to a giant left and eats the grass, Chicken, and the lawn mower, making her now an enormous blimp and blowing her up into the sky like a balloon. She manages to get down and she spits Chicken and the lawn mower out of her mouth. Chicken crawls up to the porch and knocks on the door weakly.)

Chicken: "Backyard all done, Mr. Devlin."

Red   Guy: "We had an agreement, chief."

(He picks up Chicken by the neck. He gasps as he sees the sun beginning to set over the Swiss Alps.)

Red   Guy: "It’s after sundown, SO NO MONEY, SONNY!"

(He kicks Chicken onto the sidewalk as he screams. He then starts crying.)

Red   Guy: "Oh, ha ha ha!"

(The enormous Supercow sees Chicken sobbing and sees Mr. Devlin drop to the porch laughing evilly. Supercow angrily stomps up to him as he looks up.)

Red   Guy: "Huh?"

Supercow: "¡Esto ebas a se tier!"

(She spits all the grass into the house richoeting up a picture of a court judge version of Mr. Devlin. Supercow goes back to her normal size as the house is now filled with grass.)

Red   Guy: "Oh, heh heh. At least she didn’t hit me. Heh."

(Supercow spits out the last remains out of the grass onto Mr. Devlin, knocking him onto the side of the house covered in grass. He falls down, making a mark shaped like himself on the wall. Supercow carries Chicken over by his neck.)

Chicken: "Pay up, pal."

(Mr. Devlin hands him two dollars weakly.)

Red   Guy: "Uh, two bucks, chief."

Chicken: "Make it $20."

(Mr. Devlin hands him 20 dollars weakly, moaning. Supercow carries Chicken off victoriously.)

Supercow: ¡Vamanos! ¡El trabajo esta echo!

(She puts Chicken in her mouth and rides off on her tricycle.)

Supercow: "Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! Moo!"

Chicken: "End!"

THE END