Bob Zombie

Uh, Bob? Why are you wrapped in tin foil? It's not just tin foil. I'm also wearing three layers of pasta, tomato sauce and cheese. I turned him into a human lasagna pan. Forty-five minutes in the sun, and it's Bob appetit. You know, given what I've seen of Bob's training, this might be the most productive use of him yet. Mm, don't move. You need more oregano. Mm, lasagna! Got any garlic bread? You betcha. They're strapped to my shins. I'll be back. Save me the greasiest piece. Hey, where are you off to, and how long can you stay there? Your cheap father forgot to pay the trash bill. I am so sick of working for a guy who won't let me throw trash in the ocean. Guys, check it out. This is gonna change our bionic academy forever. I found a way to replicate Chase's bionic intelligence. - What? - Yeah. Remember how Giselle Vickers wanted to give your intelligence to all of her androids? Well, this intelligence duplicator will wirelessly add it to everyone's chip. Wait, so you're gonna make me like him? Pass. Don't worry. The four of you won't be affected. Your chips are older models, and Leo doesn't have one. But if this works, all the students will be just as smart as you. I just have to find someone to test it on. And do you really think someone's gonna just let you randomly experiment on them? Sorry, Bob. It's getting cloudy. I'm gonna have to cook you in here with my heat vision. Will it hurt? Let's find out together. Okay. Ooh, something's cookin'! Bob it is. The world's first bionic superhumans. They're stronger than us. Faster. Smarter. The next generation of the human race is living on a bionic island. All right, Bob, now that we've made body lasagna, we should do something important. What do you think, CPR training, volunteer work? Oh, got it. We should figure out how many students we can cram into the pool. Easy. All you have to do is divide the average mass of the students by the pool's volumetric capacity. Whoa! What did you do to my Bob? Thanks to my intelligence upgrade, Bob is now as brilliant as Chase. Yep, I'm finally the whole package. Isn't it great? I have an intellectual peer. We've been bonding for hours about the stock market, physics and ancient philosophies. Although we did have that tiff about Socrates. Ah, good times. Bob, you're scaring me. I demand you burp the entire alphabet right now. Can you believe it? Douglas' intelligence duplicator actually worked. Actually? You don't have the best track record. I made you, didn't I? Hey, look. Leftover lasagna. And you also made him. (Humming fanfare) Welcome to the United Republic of Perryland. I know I'm gonna regret this, but what's Perryland? And why does the flag have a cow on it? That's an ox. Know your meats. When I went to pay the garbage bill, they told me that you'd never registered the island as a country, so I seized the opportunity. As of today, you're all second-class citizens of Perryland. This is the official charter. Read it and weep. You expect us to believe that's real? - Oh, it's real. Just ask my muscle. - (Blows whistle) This is bad. This is very, very bad. Who are they? They're on loan from a tyrant friend of mine. And speaking of tyrants, guess who the dictator of Perryland is. Your cat, Mr. Whiskers? Don't be ridiculous. He's vice-dictator, and he reports to me. Now join me in singing the Perryland national anthem. (Operatic voice) O, Perryland You're all at my command You'll do what I say While I eat rack of lamb Your sweat and tears will bring me cheers Your robot hands will fan my face From dusk till dawn O Perryland I stand on top of you O Perryland I stand on top of you When did you have time to write that? (Bell dinging) Ah, you're still hanging out with Chase? No one should have to suffer that long. Great game. Another draw. Wanna go triple-check your homework? I already did, but one can never be too right. You know, if signs of affection didn't strike me as frivolous, I'd hug you right now. Oh, what the heck. Whoa, whoa, Bob. Why waste your time doing stupid science stuff when we can do something useful. Let's go grab a couple jellyfish and wear 'em as wigs. I'm sorry, old friend, but I'm afraid we don't have much in common anymore. I can't believe this. You stole my best friend. I did not steal him. We just Yeah, you know what, you're right. I stole him. You know what? Fine. I don't need you guys. Still got my bionic bros, right, guys? Aw, quit reading. I told you it was bad for you. Douglas, what is going on with them? Not a thing. My intelligence upgrade worked so well on Bob, I decided to give it to all the other students. What?! First you steal my Bob, then you take my that guy, that guy and him? Who wants to discover a new element for the periodic table? All: Yeah! Don't worry, Adam. I'll be your friend. (Scoffs) I'm not that hard up. You cannot just come in here and take over our home. Of course I can. In Perryland, Perry does whatever Perry wants. Okay, look, you may own the island, but we still need to sleep in our capsules. Fine. Because Dear Leader is a compassionate goddess, you may recharge your robot batteries right before bedtime. And FYI, I changed the lock on that door, so you're gonna have to buy key cards from me. Twenty bucks each. - What? - That's insane! Fine. They're 40 bucks. Now get out of here. I have work to do. What is that? Sand to fill the pool with. Vice-dictator Mr. Whiskers is helicoptering in tomorrow, and he demanded a much bigger litter box. - Ew. - That's disgusting. Don't worry, you can still swim in it. It's not that funny. Get back to work. I can't even fathom what we were like before the intelligence upgrade. I mean, how obtuse was I? I was so beyond obtuse, I was Bob-tuse. I cannot live in a world with this many Chases. I have bigger problems. I just found out that Perry now owns the island, and has installed herself as dictator. Oh, that explains why her face is on all of the toilet seats. The first law that "Dear Leader" Perry passed says that I must serve as her personal servant and massage therapist. It's about time somebody put you to work. What do you do here again? I have to go fix this. Okay, but Douglas, before you go, can you please Oh, the frivolities of your consistent blunders. That's it, Bob. Douglas won't fix you, I will. All right, that should do it. Let's see if it worked. Quick, Bob, spell your name backwards. (Bleating) Uh-oh. Guys, what's wrong with Bob? (All bleating) Adam. What's going on? I was trying to dial everyone's intelligence level back to normal and Oh, what do you want from me? I'm obtuse. You must've dialed it back too far. You downgraded their intelligence to the level of a farm animal. Yeah, well, for Bob, that's still an upgrade. You don't get it. Bob and all the students are brainless zombies. Then we'll dial it back. Where's the intelligence duplicator? (Loud chewing) No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, in my defense, normal Bob probably would've done that, too. (Bleating continues) Now that Bob destroyed the intelligence duplicator, there's no way to turn them back to normal. No problem. We'll just get rid of these students, and have Douglas whip us up a new batch. Adam! Calm down. It's not like they're a danger to anyone. Yes, they are. They're a danger to themselves. What are we gonna do? If we can't find a way to bring them back, every one of our students will be completely useless. - (Chewing) - Ugh. Worse than that, I think you and I are gonna be on the hook for some very expensive dental work. Make every mole count. Hey, Perryland peasants. Check out this thing I found in the weapons room. It shoots lasers. What were you doing in our weapons room? Leveling the playing field. You never know when you machine people are gonna turn on us fleshies. (Bleating) What's going on? I don't know. It's a rebellion. They're trying to take me out so that they can rule Perryland. The only way that's gonna happen is over Dear Leader's dead body. Well, you had a good run. Back off. I've got a battle to fight. No, you cannot attack them. They're innocent. I'm not gonna attack them. I'm just gonna give them a gentle warning. A gentle 15,000-volt warning. Get down, get down! That's how it works. Ah, come on. Get back together! Wow, I can't believe that didn't work. I don't see you doing anything. This is all your fault. We wouldn't even be in this mess if you hadn't touched the device in the first place. You don't have any proof of that. The only person who knows whether I did it or not is me, 'cause I was the one who did it. And I wouldn't have touched the device if you hadn't stolen my best friend. Oh, well, excuse me for finally having a person around here I can relate to. Chase, why does it sound like a bionic barnyard in here? Adam used your intelligence duplicator and turned all of our students into mindless zombies. Kinda funny, right? Then Bob ate the device, so we have no way of turning them back to normal. See? This is why I always have to make two of everything around here. Yes! Problem solved. (Screaming) Sound the alarm. Perry's on a rampage. I don't wanna hurt you. I just wanna shoot you with a laser. Come on! Any chance you make three of everything? What is going on? Why are you shooting at them? These students are trying to oust me from power. - No, they're not. - They're not? - No. - Oh, okay. I have been telling you that for an hour. Why do you stop when he tells you? Because he's the future king. So much for an easy fix. Now I have to build a new duplicator from scratch. Well, as long as you don't tap into their bionics, there's only so much damage they can do. You were saying. They're gonna destroy everything. So what do we do with 'em? I have an idea. (All bleating) Good idea, Adam. I can't believe they're not smart enough to find their way out of the pool. We can finally figure out how many people we can cram in there. Everybody count off. (Bleating continues) Hold on. Somebody said five twice. Hey, whatever happened to your military goon squad? When they found out they weren't getting paid, they threatened to quit, so I had to fire on them. - You mean fire them. - Nope. Okay. This better work. Otherwise I'll have to get rid of these kids and whip up a whole new batch. That's what I said. Bob, name an element in the periodic table. Uh, lasagna. That's my Bob. Welcome back, buddy. I'll be inside preparing for the royal bathing. Good news. You two get to scrape my heels. So what do we do? Same thing I did in high school detention. Grab a bucket and a cheese grater, and let your mind drift somewhere else. I went through all the paperwork, and I can't find a legal fix that will remove her from power. Then I'm afraid we have no choice. We have to relocate the academy. Well, there is one possible legal solution. If Perry were married, her spouse would own half the island, too. Yeah, but (Laughs) We all know that there's no person in their right mind who's gonna marry her. I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe Perry only has one guest. All right, I signed up online. I'm officially allowed to marry you and Perry. You almost look official. Nice touch with the robe. Oh, no, this was just 'cause I was chilly. All right, let's do this. Hit it, Bob. (Synthesized polka music plays) (Processional music plays) (Music switches to "Here Comes the Bride") Thank you for coming. Aren't you gonna lift my veil? Actually, I was hoping there was a second one that I could cover it with. I've been dreaming of this since I was a little girl. This is exactly how I pictured it. On an island filled with bionic superhumans? You don't know what I dreamed. You weren't there. Hear ye, hear ye. We are gathered here to join Theresa Cherry Perry and Douglas Orville Davenport in marriage. Orville? Given everything that's happening right now, do you really think that that is gonna embarrass me? If anyone here sees a reason why these two should not be married, please raise your hand. Nothin'? Nobody? No one here objects, not a soul? Good. By the power vested in me by some random site on the internet, I now pronounce you husband and wife. - You may now kiss the - Cue the music. (Weak applause) Hold on. There's still one minor formality to make this beautiful arrangement official. You have to sign the marriage license. Of course. Congratulations. You're now Douglas Orville Perry. - We did it! - Ha! As your husband, I now own half the island. You may think you own half of what's mine, but in Perryland, the lady takes it all. Read the charter. Come on, Dougie-poo. It's honeymoon time. Oh, my evil past has finally caught up to me. Hold on there, bridezilla. Joke's on you. I switched documents. What are you talking about? Oh, this isn't a marriage license. You just signed a contract that gives total ownership of the island back to us. (All exclaiming) What? Give me that. Wait, so they're not actually married? If those two can't make it, what chance do any of us have? You may have taken my island and my man, but you will never take my laser fist! (Screaming) And this is still exactly how I pictured it. Thanks for nothing! Well, now that zombie-pocalypse is over, I can finally use the intelligence duplicator to make all the students smart again. It's about time. Who, hold on. Did you ever think maybe Bob doesn't wanna be super intelligent? - Oh, I - Nobody cares, Bob. Look, just because you can change someone doesn't mean you should. I mean, Bob might not be as smart as everyone, but he's Bob. That's why I love him. And Chase you're Chase, and that's why Well, I'll stop there. That might be the smartest thing he's ever said. Did you hit him with the intelligence duplicator? You know, Adam's right. We should destroy it. Where'd it go? (Loud chewing) Told you normal Bob would do that, too.