The Real Housewives of Fat Tony

(tires screeching)

D'oh!

(tires screeching)

(grunts)

(explosion)

♪ The Simpsons 22x19 ♪ The Real Housewives of Fat Tony Original Air Date on May 1, 2011

Oh, I was standing in this line to use the bathroom, but now my license is expired.

Hey Dad, there's an arcade across the street.

And there's really no point in all of us waiting in line.

Hmm.

Oh, I was invited to that party.

Oh, that's good.

(loud belch)

Next.

Woo-hoo. First in line.

Brought you a gift bag.

All that's left is banana Runts.

That's the worst Runt.

Back of the line, stranger.

Huh?

We used our last day of summer vacation standing in this line, and now it's time for our reward.

Next in line.

What am I bid for next in line?

Five bucks.

Ten bones.

Half a cheesesteak.

I'll perform at your birthday party.

Sober.

Quarter of a cheesesteak.

A nest with a robin's egg.

The wrapper of a cheesesteak.

Fat Tony: I bid one lollipop.

Sold, to the lowest bidder.

Which of you losers is next in line?

Hello, "Selma."

I'd like to submit a change of address.

Leaving Mockingbird Lane, Mr. Munster?

Excuse me?

Dad, Aunt Selma's treating a mob boss like an ordinary taxpayer.

And we've got front-row seats.

So, you here for an eye test?

Read this.

Process my form.

I'm afraid this is the wrong form.

The one you want is on that table.

And if I retrieve that form, will I be able to maintain my advantageous position in line?

Try it and see.

Nope.

(humming tune)

(muffled whimpering)

(chuckles)

(loud rattling)

Geez, we had a safe full of gold in there and it didn't ride so low.

My lick.

My lick.

My lick.

Hey, you licked the back.

That was my side.

Aw, brother germs!

Aw, sister spit!

(sniffs)

Hmm.

Bart, this is a truffle.

You're a truffle.

A truffle is a fungus that grows in tree roots.

It's one of the most prized gourmet foods in the world.

Only you can make tree poop boring.

(sniffs)

(gasps) Bart, you can find them by smell.

That's amazing.

Restaurateurs use highly-trained pigs to sniff these out.

Come on, numb nose.

Sniff me a truffle.

I don't know why I flew you in from ltaly.

First class, no less.

Plus you forget to get the miles.

Interested in these?

Eh?

Jody Maroni.

But where is your truffle pig?

You're lookin' at him.

A human pig.

Thank you, Lord, for this abomination.

(squealing) Eh, eh, eh.

You know-a the rule: no truffles for truffle pigs.

(dejected squeal)

And now that I have him, I find a new use for you in my kitchen.

Yeah, that one's-a good.

Start on these.

Hey, don't run with the knife.

Ah, stupid pig.

And I'll-a pay you top dollar for any more truffles you find.

And whenever you eat here, you get the best table.

Not one that goes a-tikit-a-tikit-a-tikit-a.

Very nice.

(foghorn blowing)

(grunts)

The view was better inside the sack.

You are one tough cookie.

I tell you what, I'll let you pick which body part I cut off first.

Fine.

I choose my love handles.

What?

Then my arm wattles, my cankles, and finish off with my excess back fat.

You do not register the level of fear, say, Louie here would.

Yeah-- show some respect for the process.

You asked what I wanted cut off, and I want lipo.

Lots of lipo.

Or are you not a man of your word?

(chuckles)

I like you.

I don't know whether to knock you on your kisser or kiss you on your knockers.

I don't know whether to peck you on the kisser, or kiss you on the...

You shall have your lipo.

Call our doctor friend who owes us a favor.

Actually, we owe him a favor.

Do him two favors, then remind him that he owes us a favor.

Man: Tony, the surgery was a complete success, so can I take your cousin, the "anesthesiologist" off the payroll?

You certainly may.

Now where is my Selma?

Here's the part that's not in the trash.

Ooh.

Boys, I'd like a little privacy with Selma.

Why don't you take the doctor out back?

Should we take care of him, or "take care of him"?

Take care of him.

I don't know what that meant.

Was it the first one or the second one?

I can't ask him, otherwise he's gonna "take care of me."

Now to take care of you.

Take care of me or "take care of me"?

The one that's this one.

Selma, I just can't get over the new you.

The world's a different place when you've got a waist.

The clerk in the electronics store asked me if I needed help.

Oh.

Well, well, well, if it isn't "before" and "after."

Blob and Blob Lite.

Tweedle Yuck and Tweedle Blecch.

(clearing throat)

I hope I'm not interrupting.

Um, Fat Tony.

I was just complimenting your beautiful girlfriend, while insulting her hideous twin.

I'm sorry, Fat Tony.

My husband doesn't realize what he's saying, then, five seconds later...

Oh, my God.

All will be forgiven.

If you sketch a portrait of Patty showing her inner beauty.

You are cruel but fair.

(chuckles)

(humming tune)

I'm trying.

I swear I'm trying.

Damn it.

(Andrea Bocelli's "Con te Partiro" playing)

I love it here.

The way the sun goes down like a crooked boxer.

Selma, in this matto, svitato world, you've got to hold on to the good things.

Whoa.

Sounds like someone's gonna propose here.

Shut up. You're spoilin' the mood.

This is how I always pictured this moment.

(gurgling)

Ah.

Selma, will you share my life with me?

Oh Tony, if there were an Italian word for "yes,"

I'd be saying it right now.

♪ Con te partiro ♪ ♪ Paesi che non ho mai ♪ ♪ Veduto e vissuto con te... ♪

How many truffles did you get?

More than I can count.

Brown gold. Tuscan tea.

Just think of what we can do with that moolah.

Hm, I can't find my car.

(evil laughter)

(alarm blaring)

Both: No!

(evil laughter)

Bart, I am putting this money safely in the bank where you will earn zero point zero zero one percent interest.

(whistles)

That's a lot of zeros.

You know, all this truffle hunting has made me a little thirsty.

Can we go home now?

Three more big ones and we'll talk.

How big?

As big as a baby's head.

Okay.

That baby's head.

That tick sure done swelled you up, Normalhead Joe.

Oh, man.

Vi dichiaro marito e presunta moglie.

You may now kiss one another.

Yes! I am so happy I lived to see this day.

He did give her the kiss of death, right?

No!

Oh, I decorated her car for nothing.

Excuse me.

We can't find our seats.

Marge and Homer Simpson.

Oh yes, you're at table 46.

Marge: Hmm?

Right this way.

There must be some mistake.

Oh, it's no mistake.

That table is Tony and his friends.

This table is the DMV.

This one, Legitimate Businessmen of Shelbyville, FBI, children's table, gifts, then you.

And how do you know the bride?

I'm her sister.

And you?

I bought her ping-pong table on Craig's List.

Color yourself slighted.

♪ ♪

So, how's your Tiramisu?

We haven't even gotten our salads yet.

So, who wants a picture with the happy couple?

Why did you seat us in Siberia?

Because somebody's husband has a reputation for embarrassing himself in public situations.

He's on his best behavior, which is very impressive considering he's mad about a sports result.

Lousy St. Louis Cardinals.

Can't win the 1985 World Series on Classic Sports.

Smile for the camera.

I was never sure about this marriage.

With that attitude, don't bother coming to the brunch tomorrow.

We're throwing the brunch!

(camera shutter snapping)

Man, that photographer got everything.

I still can't believe it.

I have never been so snubbed at one of Selma's weddings.

(doorbell rings)

(screams)

Fat Tony!

Are you going to cut my head off and leave it in a manger scene at Christmas, and then an old ltalian nun finds it?

And she's all, "Oh, no, no, no!

(sobbing): "Oh, no, no!

He's too beautiful to die!"

(sobbing)

Homer, to restore the sisterical bond, you and Marge are invited to spend the weekend with us at our house down the shore.

Homer: Mmm.

(gasps)

So should I bring a towel?

We have towels.

(whispering): Um, I take a special size.

(sniffing)

Come on, Bart. We've been out here for hours.

Maybe we've found all the truffles.

The only thing I've dug up was these weird-looking mushrooms.

I'll dispose of those for you.

Koyaanisqatsi, you're about to get watched.

Listen, why don't we just stop this and divide the money?

The money?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

The money is working for us.

What's not working is your stupid sense of smell.

All I smell here is desperation.

(grunts)

(gasps)

Ooh. Commentary by Philip Glass.

(bird squawks)

(muffled mumbling)

Huh?

No more distractions.

Find those truffles.

Mush!

If you think that makes me a better musher, you're wrong.

(grunts) Wait a second.

(sniffing)

Huh?

This is our house.

There's nothing buried here but hopes and dreams.

(sniffing)

The truffle's right over here.

The truffle's in your room?

I thought you'd been selling them.

Bart, I haven't been selling the truffles.

I've been eating them.

Really? Why?

Vegetarian food is so boring.

Pasta, soy.

You know what's a bad pizza topping?

Broccoli!

But I worked so hard.

I've got dirt under my fingernails I'll never get out.

Not that I'm going to try.

I'm sorry, Bart.

Take the last truffle.

Do whatever you want.

Sell it, eat it.

Or give it to someone who deserves it.

You spent your life searching for these, but you never had one.

Well, this is yours.

Bart, you've done a truly kind thing.

(sniffing)

(squeals)

(diners screaming, murmuring)

(sniffs, squeals)

Aah! Hey!

Oh, so that's why they don't give pigs truffles.

(pig squeals)

I don't think this is a good idea at all.

The only husband of Selma's I liked was Disco Stu.

He was so upbeat-- till he found out she didn't care for disco.

Yeah, that's his thing.

Anyway, Fat Tony and I think this is a chance to patch things up between you and Selma.

Plus, it's a free weekend at the beach.

Hey, Louie.

Don't ask me why, but I got a funny feeling about the new guy.

Uh, let's brag about our crimes.

You first.

Homer, Marge.

Come meet the family.

These are my nephews, Stevie B., Stevie F. and Vincent.

Yeah, but you can call us S-Money, Jell-O Shot and The Occurrence.

I will.

This is my niece, Tushie.

She's got two semesters under her belt in Contemporary Italian-American Design from Sandy Hook Vocational lnstitute.

Ah, shut your face, Uncle Tone.

God, you two are super pale.

But not to worry-- every light in the house is a tanning light.

Ooh.

Can you read by it?

No one's ever tried.

(techno music playing)

(giggling): Yeah!

These people are always grinding against each other, and I think they're all related.

I wish we'd never come.

Selma?!

Va-va-va... wha...?!

Why can't you support my marriage?

You've never supported mine.

You married a pig.

Well, you married someone whose first name is Fat.

(both groan)

I'm late for my mani-pedi-spray-tan.

(power tools grinding, Selma grunting)

(jackhammering)

Ah, yeah!

Huh?

(indistinct chatter)

(laughs) Yeah!

Boo-freaking-ya!

Losers chug!

(chuckling): Well, if you insist.

All: Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Ooh, yeah. (chuckles)

Mind if I join you?

Look at our men, Marge.

They're having a great time.

You are such a gentle kisser.

You were kind of all over the place.

Ooh!

Maybe I've been mean to Homer because I was jealous of your happiness.

Now that I'm truly happy, maybe all four of us can start over.

Hmm.

♪ Tell me, when will you be mine? ♪ ♪ Tell me, quando, quando, quando? ♪ ♪ Hey! ♪

(sighs)

The boys needed to breathe.

Wouldn't they be girls?

Mine are boys.

Hmm.

(groans)

(grunts)

(moaning and groaning)

(grunts) Which is our room again?

You know-- it had that painting of that lady and the monster on the ceiling.

That was a mirror.

Looking good, boss.

Yeah, you look like Johnnie Handsome before we shot him in the face.

Hey, I got to look good for my goomar.

(gasps) Goomar?

That's mob talk for "mistress."

Fat Tony has a mistress.

He's cheating on Selma?

That's crazy.

Why go out for a hamburger when you got rancid steak at home?

Uh, I'll just sit here quietly.

(squeaking)

Sorry.

(sobbing)

How could Tony cheat on me so soon?

You know, Selma, from what I've seen here, Fat Tony has a lot of bad influences on him.

I walked through a door last night, and they were playing cards...

(whispering): for real money.

Well, Homer and I are going to take you away right now.

Oh, can't we stay one more day?

The Occurrence and I are going to the tanning salon and get oiled and broiled.

(both grunt)

Sorry, The Occurrence, but to use your lingo, Homer and I have to be "that guy."

Whoa!

You don't want to be that guy.

I don't want to be that guy, but Marge is making me be that guy.

Enough!

Homer, good morning.

May I interest you in a pool noodle?

We also got pool ziti, pool fusilli-- or if you don't like those, Mama will make you one special.

Mother Mary herself couldn't make a noodle big enough to float this one.

In nomine patris et filli...

Tony, we have to leave.

For the record, I want to emphasize we're not leaving because today is "cleanup."

Leave? Why?

Because you have a girlfriend!

Oh.

It is true, but it is not what you think.

Where is she?

Where is this other woman?

You're the goomar?

I'm Fat Tony's wife.

You're the goomar.

You're nuts.

And I've got the ring to prove it.

(scoffs) That's a goomar ring.

This is a wife ring.

(grunts)

(gasps) That's a wife ring?

Marge, don't look.

This doesn't make any sense.

There was a wedding.

You exchanged vows.

I can explain.

If you spoke ltalian, which I knew you did not, you would have known that those were goomar-goombah vows.

Marge, if I ever tell you I want to get married again, I want you to stick your thumbs into my eyes.

Yeah, we can show you how to do it.

The trick is, you don't stop till you hear a pop.

You missed my first open house as a licensed real estate broker for this brutta puttana?

(groans) I've hit on enough pizza boys to know what that means.

(grunts)

Then, bring it on, sister!

(fierce grunting)

(whispering): You were right, Marge.

These people are not for us.

In a good marriage, you never say, "I told you so."

Which is lucky for me, because you're always right.

Oh.

Both: Mmm.

("Theme from Bonanza" plays)

Shh!