The Haw-Hawed Couple

Mom! Bart's drinking coffee! It's not coffee, it's hot Pepsi. You're the worst husband in the world! Yeah, well, I wish I'd married Patty and Selma. I wish I'd married Lenny and his friend. Man, Mom and Dad are really going at it. I hope everything's okay. Don't you spit sunflower seeds at me. You used to love it! Recording that fake fight was a great idea. Now the kids won't bother us during our morning snuggle. Dear Lord, thank you for the physical intimacy we are about to enjoy. And as always, have fun watching. Go lovemaking! And I hate the cutesy way you make jack-o'-lanterns! I like scary Halloween, not funny Halloween! I been through the desert on a horse with no name It felt good to be out of the rain County fair music? Whoo, whoo. Milhouse, steady my Duds. Trust me, Bart. It's better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of 'em. Hey, dinks, give me your lunch money! But what will I eat at midday? I can't solve all your problems. Just hand over the money. Thanks, wads, and I hope to see you both Saturday. Huh? You better come to my party or you'll die. Come to my party or die. I hate Nelson's parties. Because he makes you look at his baseball cards and tell him they're good. They're not good. I don't like him. I'll bet Nelson won't even have gift bags. Is that legal? Wait! What if nobody goes? He can't kill all of us. He's right. Individually, we are weak like a single twig. But as a bundle, we form a mighty faggot. Well said. If we all stand together, Nelson's helpless. Hell, no, we won't show. Hell, no, we won't show! Hell, no, we won't show! Hell, no, I won't mow! Willy, you're fired with complete loss of pension. Damn it! You actually convinced people not to go to Nelson's party? Yep, he'll be all alone on his birthday. Oh, I wish I could see it. Boo-hoo, I'm Nelson. No one likes me. Bartholomew J. Simpson, how can you be so mean?! What are you going to do about it? Hey! I'll whack you with the whole salad set if you don't start thinking about others. You are going to that party. But mom, I can't go! No one else is. Well, if nobody else jumped off the Empire State Building, would you not jump? Kind of Aw, come on, Bart. The party will be fun. Nelson's not bad. All he needs is a little kindness. Lisa, you're never going to get a husband by being sarcastic. All right, no husband. You're getting a husband! And you are going to that party young man. Dad, don't make me go. I'll give you a back rub. Oh, your elbow's like an angel's kiss, but you still have to go. Why? Son, we all have to do things we don't want to: like have jobs families responsibilities and having to be Mr. Funny all the time. You think I wouldn't rather be living in the forest naked like some ancient pagan, just dancing around playing the pan flute?! And here we are. Okay, just walk in, say "happy birthday" and get out. Whoa! This party doesn't suck. Pizza, that's a nice touch. Uh-oh, do I hear a dial tone? 'Cause this party is off the hook! What up, B? Um, happy birthday, Nelson. Uh, I know it seems a little quiet. Must be a lot of traffic today. Is Highway 88 backed up? Oh, yeah, it's a parking lot out there. Of course, that explains everything. Stupid Highway 88! Huh? Hi, kids, my spidey sense is tingling. Tingling because it's a certain someone's birthday. Yeah! - Uh, where are all the kids? - They're coming! They are! I love you, Spidey! Uh, listen, I only got ten minutes of material. Maybe I should come back a little later. Don't go. My party peeps are en route, I swear! Nelson, nobody's coming. But how could nobody come? I ordered them to. Well, that's the thing. Sometimes you can be kind of a jerk. True but I thought I had some friends. Maybe you can have fun with just me. Okay. Why not? Stop having fun, kids. I'm Dr. Octopus from Marvel Comics' Spiderman. I'm inventing a ray that turns birthday presents into homework. Yah! Come on, Bart. Let's knock him down. Wait, I have an idea. Look at our kids, playing like champs. Yeah. How'd you afford this kick-ass party? Carnival ride hit me on the head. Hmm So how was Nelson's party? Not bad. We had pizza, cake and then sang songs with Nelson's grandma. But it was a one-time thing, and now I'll never see him again. Hey! It's my birthday bud! Yeah, yeah, it was, uh, super fun. Good times. Hey, Ralph, have I got half a sandwich for you. Bart, where you going? I saved you a seat, best friend. Ha-ha! Hey, best friend, I got you a present. An entire case of pool cue chalk. Huh? Huh? We can make the tip of anything blue. Um, Nelson, I was just thinking about us being best friends. Whoa! Me, too! We are so connected! Look, um, I don't have time for new friends. I got a lot on my plate. I've got a big report due on the Nile River topic sentence, bibliography, page numbers it's nuts. Dude You made me get water on my cheek. Bart is my best friend now, which means no one picks on him ever again. Okay! Okay! I forgot how cool Bart was. Yeah, he's awesome. Good guy, good guy. Isn't he? I've known him for years, but I ran into him at a party and we really clicked. That's right, we're best friends now. So why don't you go pick on someone smaller and weaker? Good idea! Let's go over to the Sunshine pre-school and wail on toddlers. Yeah, we'll jump 'em while they're napping. Homie Huh? When you're done putting Lisa to bed we can, uh finish what we started the other day. Woo-hoo! Marital sex! Okay, tucked in tight, glass of water, nightlight on, no barn owls, don't do drugs, love you, good night. Dad, can't you read me a story for a little bit? But your mother smells like coconut. Okay, sweetie, which book should I read? Angelica Button and the Dragon King's Trundle Bed. It's the ninth book in the Angelica Button series. Oh, yeah, this is that fantasy book that even grown-ups like. Broken, lonely grown-ups. "Chapter One: The Ruby Stone in the Door-Portal". Are you asleep yet? No. "Angelica trembled as she looked up at the stern but wise whiskers of Headmaster Greystash" Angelica Button, you are a mere Earthkin. What business have you with the Merlinical Council? I bring warning! The Minister of Niceness, Lord Evilton, is not what he appears! Preposterous-sss! Foolish Earthkin! Send her to the sorrow mines of Mount Purgatorium. Nooo!! Lisa, wake up. They're taking Angelica to Mount Purgatorium. Oh, Dad, I'm tired. - We read more tomorrow. - Tomorrow? But she's in trouble now. I'll just read ahead without you. No! We have to read it together. Oh, of course. Whatever you say, sweetie. Nighty-night. I like to come up here and make fun of the sunset. Hey, gas ball, you suck! Nelson, do you ever wish you weren't a bully? Mm, sometimes. But it's not up to me, it's who I am. I mean, a shark can't stop swimming or it'll blow up. Man I never knew you were so deep. Here, this is for you. A Nelson vest! The sleeves were torn off by wild dogs. From then on, my life changed. He's a rebel and he'll ever, ever be any good All of a sudden, I was a somebody in a school full of nobodies. I could go anywhere, do anything. For us, to live any other way was nuts. That's no reason why I can't give him all my love He's always good to me, always treats me tenderly 'Cause he's no rebel, no, no, no He' rebel, no, no, no, to me So, Scoty, how do you like school? Closed! Life was perfect. Lisa, I'm home. Time for me to read to you! Lisa's sleeping over at Janey's. Apparently, her mom makes good mac and cheese. Homer? Homer. You must read ahead. Fiction is your passion! Lady, you're nice, but I'm married. Just read the book, you shaved ape. Ow! I can't read ahead. I promised Lisa I wouldn't. Just take a peek at the title of the next chapter, and see if you can resist. "An Unexpected Occurrence"?! What could it be? - We hooked him, Galahad. - Yes, quite. "Angelica was trapped in the suffoclock of Sandy Doom" "as Headmaster Greystash fought a battle to the finish with dark wizard Maluicious Krubb. " Time to choose, Greystash. If you save Angelica you die! Good-bye Angelica. Greystash. He killed Greystash! Thanks for spoiler the there, big mouth. - Hey, Bart. - Milhouse. Bart, why are you hanging around with Nelson so much? He's a bully. Hey, don't use the "B" word around me. It's offensive. - Yo, bully. - What up, my bully? How come they can say it? They just can, okay? It's weird to see you as somebody's sidekick. Whoa, Bart Simpson is nobody's sidekick. Then why are you wearing that vest? Because my chest is cold and my arms aren't. I see. Then i'm suppose you can just fly kites with whoever you want, right here in front of everyone. Come on, Bart. Throw the dork a bone. All right, I will. Blue and red, the colors of friendship. You're late. I was waiting to smash this frog with you, and it peed in my hand. Sorry. I was, uh stealing loose grapes at the grocery store. Really? You call this stealing loose grapes? We were just having fun. Don't get upset. Oh, right. Stupid Nelson always gets upset. He'll probably do something stupid. Like smash his own camera! Look what you made me do! Nelson, get in here! The cat's eyes are runny, and I need you to dab 'em. Coming Ma! See you later, lying traitor! Something in your eye, Mr. Mooch? Well there's something in my eye, too. Ma, what happened to the curtains? I made 'em into a dress for karaoke singing. Hey Bart, do you want some ice cream? I just hit a major marshmallow vein. Oh! I think it goes all the way to the bottom. - No, thanks. - What's wrong? Me and Nelson were best friends, and now I think he's gonna kill me! Bully problem, eh? You know what they say all bullies are cowards. It's not true they're brave, 'cause they're strong. Bart, we need to talk. I feel so bad about freaking out on you. It'll never happen again, I swear. Um okay. Best friends? Forever? No! I can't do it. You're a nut bar, a whack job! A kooka-dooka! Please, just leave me alone. - Best not to get involved. - Agreed. Looks like you've made your choice. Make sure your affairs are in order. I've set up a trust. It bypasses the inheritance tax. Only till 2008. Look into it! Oh, Greystash Greystash! Oh, hello, Lisa. Come on, Dad, read the last chapter. Everyone says there's a big surprise. I bet Angelica discovers that she's a wizard. How would you feel if something bad happened to Greystash? It would be the day my childhood ended. Come on, read, read! "Angelica was trapped in the Suffoclock of Sandy Doom" Time to choose, Greystash. If you save Angelica, you die! Why are you stopping? We're almost at the happy ending. No book is gonna make my daughter sad. Time to do what I do best. Lie to a child! "Greystash looked Krubb right in the eye and said" Mustache power: activate! Oh, man, I can't believe you beat me, but you did. I somehow escaped from the hourglass! And now, to go on living! The end. Is that really how it ends? What happened to the Merlinical Council? They went to Star Wars Land and fought star wars. Dad, you can read to me anytime. Now Lisa won't know about death till it strikes someone close to her. Dad's ending is better. Okay, field-trippers, welcome to the Springfield Tide Pools, nature's most fecund ecosystem. Who will spot the playful abalone? The mighty winkle? I think it might be you, Sherri. Now, remember, these pools can be dangerous, so everyone pick a buddy. Bart's my buddy. Good boy, Nelson. Squeeze him extra tight for safety. We sure are far from the rest of 'em. Funny how that happened, huh? Come with me. Nelson, please don't kill me. Remember when we made fun of Cinco de Mayo? I called it "Stinko de Mayo. " We laughed so hard. Bart you are a bad friend. S-Say again? You never liked me for me. You liked that I protected you and gave you a vest and stole milk boxes for you. I hate milk! It comes from cow wangs! There you go again. You act all nice, and then you go crazy. Well, maybe I get jealous. But it's just because I never had a best friend before. Nelson, was the water always up to our necks? Nelson? Help! Help! - Put this on. - Where did you get it? Dude gave it to me. Man lips! Skinner loves Bart! Skinner loves Bart! Shut up! I'm just giving him CPR, the kiss of life. And if anyone loves Bart, it's Nelson. Where is Nelson? I'm sorry, Nelson never woke up. - What?! - Never woke up, because he never passed out he's right over there. Hey, thanks for saving me, man. Course I saved you you're my field trip buddy. - And nothing else. - You mean? Exactly. You're barf to me now. Oh, Nelson I'll never forget that week we were best friends. I touched your heart! Greystash! Greystash! Gee, you're really upset about this Greystash thing. Don't say his name. In your mouth, it sounds like dirt! Homer, it's just a book. No man should outlive his fictional wizard. No man! Corrections