This Is Your Backstory

Part I
(Scene starts with a view of Candace's room)

Candace: (talking to Stacy on the phone) I think you're right Stacy, the ocean would be a lot deeper without all those sponges. (Candace hears noises outside) What is that noise? It is driving me crazy! Aha!

(Phineas and Ferb are in the backyard playing a game of table tennis)

Phineas: Nice try Ferb, but you can't psych me out with your dead on celebrity impressions.

Candace: All right, what is this?

Phineas: Table tennis.

Ferb: Ping pong, for the layman.

Candace: Yeah, yeah, but is it like, laser-activated, nuclear powered, supersonic ping pong?

Phineas: No, good idea though.

Candace: Ping pong, huh? I bet. I'll just stay right here until the inevitable weirdness happens. Any minute now. Alright, so where's Perry?

(Scene shifts to D.E.I.)

Major Monogram: (Through Perry's wristwatch communicator) Monogram to Agent P. Already airborne, I see. I like that! Doofenshmirtz has recently purchased an inordinate number of chairs. Hundreds of them! Far more than necessary for a person with no friends, and only one tushee. Well actually I'm, I'm just sort of assuming about the tushee. But I'm pretty confident in the no friends thing. You think it'd be the other way around, but the way he's always playing with forbidden science, you can never really be... This is coming out kinda weird, huh. Look, you're going over their anyway, just, just take a look, okay? Monogram out. (Perry lands on Doofenshmirtz's roof, which closes over his head)

Doofenshmirtz: Psst! Perry the Platypus, over here. Hurry, hurry, it's- the show's about to start!

(Perry goes and sits next to Doofenshmirtz in one of the chairs)

Norm: Ladies and gentlemen!

(Song: Evil Tonight (instrumental))

Norm: Someone in our studio audience has a date with history! So come on up, because this is your backstory, Heinz Doofenshmirtz!

Doofenshmirtz: Me? Hahahahaha! It's me, Perry the Platypus!

Norm: Let's give him a big round of applause!

(Norm throws a lever, starting a clapping track, and forcing Perry to clap, via two mechanical arms)

Norm: Tonight we explore the life of a true evil genius. And find out just what makes him tick.

Doofenshmirtz: But how?

Norm: I'm glad you asked! With the help of our exciting but potentially lethal memory extraction technology, all of your most deeply suppressed memories will appear right on this screen! It's like a TV clip show fueled by your own brain. Now let's start our trip down memory strasse on the day of your birth, in beautiful Gimmelshtump, Drusselstein!

Doofenshmirtz: I don't really remember much about it, I was pretty young at the time, but- ooh! Ooh-Ooh! (The tube connected to the helmet Doofenshmirtz is wearing begins to bubble) I can feel it tingling; something's coming out!

Norm: (Norm shows a clip from when Doofenshmirtz was born) Aww, how cute! But where's Mom?

Doofenshmirtz: She didn't, uh- show up for the birth.

Norm: Remember this voice?

Doctor: When they are born, we slap their bottoms to start them breathing.

Norm: Here he is, all the way from Gimmelshtump Memorial Hospital, Dr. Mortimer Shlussel.

Doofenshmirtz: Dr. Shlussel, so good to—Hey!

(Dr. Shluelsle grabs Heinz, and slaps him on the rear-end)

Dr. Shluelsle: He is breathing.

Norm: And I'm sure you can guess who this next voice belongs to...

Mrs. Doofenshmirtz: Heinz, my little hobbengusher.

Doofenshmirtz: Aw, when she says "hobbengusher" like that, it's easy to forget that it means--

Norm: It's your mother!

Doofenshmirtz: Mama!

Mrs. Doofenshmirtz: Hobbengusher. (She whacks him on the bottom as well)

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, that's the way you normally say it.

(His mother whacks him a few more times)

Doofenshmirtz: AH! Ow! Why!? Ow! Why!? Why!?

Norm: Yes, your relationship with your mother left something to be desired. But, what about Dad?

Doofenshmirtz: Well, yeah, you know, tho- those were hard times.

(Narrating with the clip) The stress of running a family weighed heavily on him. We were so poor that one day our beloved lawn gnome was repossessed. Who would protect our zatzenfruit garden from those witches' spells and wood trolls? From a tender age, my father decided that it would be me...

Mr. Doofenshmirtz: Bewegen Sie nicht! (Don't Move!)

Doofenshmirtz: While the other children played Kick-the-Schtumpel and eat Doonkelberries, I would stand for hours.

Mr. Doofenshmirtz: Bewegen Sie nicht!

Doofenshmirtz: All through the cold night as the Spitzenhound howled.... My only companion was the moon. And my neighbor Kenny.

Mr. Doofenshmirtz: Bewegen Sie nicht!

Norm: What a fascinating life. We'll keep track of the level of emotional pain each backstory causes, on this colorful Gnome-o-Meter! As shown by Vanna, our gnome-o-meter spokesmodel. Looks like our gnome has begun his climb! (The gnome begins to travel up the Gnome-o-Meter) Scale those heights, you bearded, Scandinavian cutie! Perform a segue back to rights of passage!'' '' Doofenshmirtz: Smooth, Norm.

Norm: Thank you, don't break the rhythm, sir.

Doofenshmirtz: And let me tell you, transitioning to adulthood was painful, but, actually, I guess a good indicator of things to come. (in a flashback on screen) In Gimmelshtump, jumping from the high dive was an important rite of passage.

Mr. Doofenshmirtz: Are you a man or a schnitzel?!

Young Heinz: I'm a man, I'm a man.

(Young Heinz climbs up the ladder, lays on the top and looks down in fear)

Queuing man: Das kind ist ein schnitzel! (That kid is a schnitzel!)

(He and other men laugh)

Doofenshmirtz: After that, my father and I became increasingly distant.

Mr. Doofenshmirtz: Zu nah! (Too close!)

Doofenshmirtz: (flashback ends) Whatever, I'm so over it. (his father walks up to him)

Mr. Doofenshmirtz: Bewegen Sie nicht!

(Doofenshmirtz stands bolt upright; his father walks away)

Norm: And there's another voice you might recognize...

Roger: What exactly am I here for again?

Doofenshmirtz: (With distain) Roger.

Norm: It's you brother, Roger Doofenshmirtz, beloved mayor of Danville. Everybody loves him.

Doofenshmirtz: Alright, alright, enough with the cheering; this is my show, not his!

Roger: Can I help it if Mommy liked me best?

Norm: Look at all those burbling memory bubbles. Tell us all about it, Dr. D!

Doofenshmirtz: (narrating over the clip) For a time, I was happy. It was a short time, it was... right... there. It was like five seconds when I was pushing the thing back and forth on the rug. And soon I learned my parents were expecting a brand new baby girl. My mother spent months knitting pretty dresses. Unfortunately, the baby turned out to be a boy, and because we were out of material, I was forced to wear those same dresses for an entire year! Drawing mockery and scorn from all of my manly classmates.

(clip changes) I wanted to gain my mother's affection somehow, so I went to the claw machine district in hopes of winning her a gift. Fortunately, I had with me my allowance, which I'd been saving for a whole year: one three-cent coin. I dropped it into a slot, then carefully maneuvered the claw toward the beckoning fuzzy grail! Odds were against me, but then it happened! The miracle! The claw grabbed the stuffed animal; it was mine! Then, like a knight of yore, I gallantly gave the prize to my beloved mother... who immediately turned around and gave it to my brother, Roger. I was crushed as I watched Roger produce a big red marker and write his name on the toy. And then afterwards proceed to do the same to my mother, claiming both as his own, effectively shutting me out of the family dynamic.

Roger: You know, Heinz, there's more than one way to a mother's heart.

Doofenshmirtz: Kickball. My mother's love was always inexplicably linked to kick... well, I'll just let the song tell you.

(Song: "Couldn't Kick My Way Into Her Heart")

Doofenshmirtz: My mother's love was always inexplicably linked to kickball,

And my brother was an expert from the start

But I lacked finesse, so when put to the test,

I couldn't kick my way right into her heart...

Ladies and gentlemen, Love Händel!

Danny: Oh yeah!

(flashback ends)

Roger: Wait a second, you had Love Händel play your flashback?

Doofenshmirtz: I know people.

Roger: Really.

Doofenshmirtz: ...No, not really; I told them it was for you.

Roger: Mmhmm. Well, I've got a city to govern.

Doofenshmirtz: Don't let your ego hit you on the way out!

Norm: Although your family life was tough, your social life was. how should we say, a soul-shattering void.

Doofenshmirtz: (narrating over clip) A painful, but accurate choice of words, Norm. At the age of five, I was forced to throw my own surprise party.

Gunther Goat Cheese's goat: (within the flashback, enters with a cake) Hello, boys and- oh. Mmm... awkward. (puts the cake down and leaves)

Doofenshmirtz: (narrating) Ten seconds later, they confiscated the cake; apparently there's a two-person minimum.

Norm: Ooh! That stings! Do you recall a young lad named Boris?

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, sure. Big Black Boots Boris the Bully. (clip starts) He was always kicking sand in my face. When I was in the sandbox: sand. My first date: sand! Balancing my checkbook: sand! The beach-- Oddly enough nothing. But I couldn't relax, because I kept waiting for it.

Norm: Well, Boris owns a car dealership now, and declined to appear on this show. But he did send some sand! (a giant pile of sand drops on Doofenshmirtz)

Doofenshmirtz: (muffled) Well, at least he cared enough to do that.

Norm: You did have one friend...

Doofenshmirtz: Balloony!! (clip starts) When I was a boy, the smell of pork emanating from me was so bad because of, well, the reason's unimportant, it was part of a different emotionally-scarring backstory; I'm not getting into... regardless, the smell of pork was so bad that no one would come near me. So one day the carnival came to town and I needed money because of, well another back story that... basically, my parents disowned me, I was being raised by ocelots. The point is, I had to get a job at the carnival, but the only work was at the dunking booth, and not as the guy who got dunked though, I was what they threw to dunk him, which is again a whole other backstory. Okay, look- long backstory short, I got a balloon at the carnival, I drew a face on him, I sprayed him with special "Lifelong-Lasting" spray I created, and I named him "Balloony." He became my best friend in the whole world, yadda yadda yadda. Then one tragic day, when I was protecting our garden as a lawn gnome, Balloony started floating away. (clip ends) And then I didn't see him for a long time; it wasn't 'til... well, there was this whole thing with an alien ship, it was really improbable.

Norm: Well, here he is! (Balloony is seen in front of a backdrop)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, Balloony, I-I've missed you so mu- (Balloony pops; Doofenshmirtz gasps) Baaaallllooooonnnyyyy!!

Norm: Ha-ha-ha! We're just having fun with you! That wasn't the real Balloony!

Doofenshmirtz: It wasn't?

Norm: No, of course not! The real Balloony popped three weeks ago! (holds up the popped Balloony)

Doofenshmirtz: (bawling) BAAAALLLLLOOOOONNNNNNYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! (continues bawling over Norm's line)

Norm: Aaand uncomfortable transition back to the Gnome-o-Meter! (gnome rises from 10,000 past the 15,000 line) Wow, that backstory really had some juice. Now, if you've finished weeping, let's continue! In another misguided attempt to engage in life, you entered one of your inventions in a science fair!

Doofenshmirtz: (clip starts) That's right. It- it was my very first -inator! Just as I was about to demonstrate my invention to the judges, a kid with a baking soda volcano stole the show! The next year, I tried again with my even bigger -inator. And again, my thunder was stolen by a baking soda volcano! I'd had enough of science. I decided to devote my life to poetry instead.

Young Adult Doofenshmirtz: The movies are gray, the TV is black, the horses are running, please bring me some food.

Doofenshmirtz: (narrating) Yet, curiously, I still lost to a baking soda volcano! (clip ends) And what's worse, his poetry lacked subtext entirely. Hey, where's Perry?

(Perry's seat is seen empty with the mechanical arms tied up)

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, what are you do- (Perry looks behind a curtain) Okay, playtime's over! Norm? (Norm flips a lever, lifting the curtain to reveal a glass dome with a bubbling liquid inside and electrodes on top; a metal claw comes down and lifts Perry off the ground) Behold, the Backstory-inator! You see, evil is born from pain and loss, but reliving one story at a time was not getting me anywhere! Now with this, I can collect the liquid essence of all my pain and suffering! And when it's all full, I can re-inject it into myself, making me the most powerfully evil person that has ever lived. Then nothing can stop me from taking over the entire Tri-State Are-aaugh!! (screams as an ocelot attacks him)

Norm: Oh, there's Mama Ocelot.

Doofenshmirtz: Ironically, she's still more nurturing than my own mother! Ow, off, quit it!

Part II
(In the Flynn-Fletcher backyard, Candace is still watching Phineas and Ferb playing ping pong)

Candace: Any time now, they're going to do something big and bustable. I just know it.

(Back at D. E. I.)

Doofenshmirtz: And so, Perry the Platypus, to recap what I said mere moments ago before I was so rudely and painfully interrupted, once I have charged my Backstory-inator, the tragedy of it all will be re-injected back into me, and I will be transformed into the ultimate creature of evil! And look, we're almost there! (the gnome is shown teetering at the summit of the Gnome-o-Meter) One more backstory should do it! Let's see... remember the time...

Vanessa: (entering) Hey Dad, can I have the keys to the car?

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, sure, Vanessa! Oh no, no, good memories flowing! Aaahhh! Can't stop... pleasant reminiscences! (flashback montage starts) Aaaaahhhhhhhh!!

(Song: "Not So Bad A Dad")

Vanessa: You were a substandard dad

But the only one I had

I grew up hearing your evil scheming down the hall

Biker: ''Hey, sweetheart. How'd you like to take a ride on a real bike?''

Doofenshmirtz: She's sixteen!

But this piece of plastic in my hand

Makes me finally understand

Maybe you're not so bad a dad

Not so bad a dad after all...

Vanessa: It only matters that I think he's cool.

Doofenshmirtz: She thinks I'm cool!

(montage ends; gnome drops from the summit (about 30,000) drastically)

Vanessa: Okay Dad, if you want to hold your head and quiver some more, that's totally okay with me, but can I have the keys?

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, yeah, right. Here you go.

Vanessa: Have fun with your little toys. (leaves)

Doofenshmirtz: Aw, look at the Gnome-o-meter! (gnome settles at 5,000) We're practically starting over.

Norm: That's okay, sir. You have lots of painful history to explore. Tell us, how did you come to America?

Doofenshmirtz: Well, it was when I was sixteen, or thereabouts; I had stopped celebrating birthdays at that point for... you know, obvious reasons. (clip begins) And then one day, my parents sent me out to the Schtor to get some doozenbratt. (in the clip, the "Schtor" is revealed to be a painting of the front of a Schtor hiding the entrance to a ship; the ship takes off and Heinz's parents celebrate and hug) You know, I've always had trouble between a Schtor and a- a painting of a Schtor, but- but it started me off on the greatest adventure of my life! I decided to seize the day with both hands! (Heinz is shown swabbing the poop deck) Aaand a mop. I was heading to a golden land of opportunity; a land with a pioneering spirit which welcomed misfits like me! But I ended up in America instead. (Heinz is literally kicked off the ship) I just knew that I was home! (a large crate lands on Heinz; flashback ends) In the sense that it was... familiar. (gnome rises to 20,000)

Norm: Once in America, you began the human rite of passage known as... high school! Leading to one of the most embarrassing viral videos of all time! ("I am a Superstar" appears on screen)

Doofenshmirtz: Ugh, I thought I deleted that from everyone's memory.

Teenage Heinz: I am a superstar!

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, yeah, we- we've all seen this, Norm. That's enough.

Teenage Heinz: (falls into toilet) It won't- (video stops)

Norm: But you haven't seen the digital remix! (plays digital remix)

Teenage Heinz: I am a superstar! It won't stop flushing!

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, this is really surreal. Eugh.

Teenage Heinz: I am a superstar! Wo-, wo-, it won't stop flushing!

Doofenshmirtz: Creeping me out a little, I'll be honest.

Teenage Heinz: Wo-, wo-, it won't stop flushing!

Wo-, wo-, it won't stop flushing!

Doofenshmirtz: Seriously, Norm, that's enough.

Teenage Heinz: Wo-, wo-, it won't stop flushing!

Doofenshmirtz: Enough now. (remix stops)

Norm: It's got ten billion hits! And there's only seven billion people on the planet!

Doofenshmirtz: I'm never going to live that down.

Norm: And yet, despite a serious lack of coolness, you still managed to date a future pop star!

Doofenshmirtz: What? Lindana is here?

Norm: Actually, she didn't remember you!

Doofenshmirtz: Well, that figures. We only had the one date, but it was eventful. (clip begins) It was at the Danville Drive-In.

80's Heinz: Okay, the coast is clear! You can come out now! (Linda emerges from the trunk)

80's Linda: Eww. It's grody back here!

80's Heinz: Well, on the bright side, you got in for free, so... we'll just split the cost of my ticket, right? Right?

80's Linda: You know, I could've gotten in the trunk, like, a block away instead of when you first picked me up at my house.

80's Heinz: Wow, you just love to live in the past, huh? Is that like a thing with you?

80's Linda: (sighs) Whatever. Let's just try to enjoy the rest of the evening.

80's Heinz: (does a robot dance) I am a happy robot, likey what I hear. I'm just kidding; that's a thing I do. C'mon, hop in! (Heinz and Linda get in his car)

Radio Announcer: You were listening to "That's Wings, You Turkey" by King of Loud. And here's a new one from Zanzibar, "What Do It Do?"

80's Linda: Oh, turn it up! I love this song!

80's Heinz: It's okay, I'd say it's in my top seven, eight favorite songs about reverse engineering.

80's Linda: Makes me want to be a pop star!

80's Heinz: Ha! Yeah right, and I'm going to rule the world!

80's Linda: Well, why not?

80's Heinz: Yeah, like I could do that.

80's Linda: Maybe instead of, you know, the whole world, uh, start... small, with the Tri-State Area. (dramatic chord plays) Hey, the movie's starting!

Norm: It was at that point that you realized the only business for you was... I'm waiting for you to finish my sentence for me, sir...

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, of course. Bratwurst!

Norm: Actually, I was going to say "evil," sir.

Doofenshmirtz: Yes, but before I was evil, I was a bratwurst street vendor. (clip starts)

Doofenshmirtz quality bratwurst!

Kid 1: How do you know when you're really lame?

Kid 2: When you sell bratwurst! (kids laugh)

(the gnome moves up an inch)

Doofenshmirtz: Wow, that seemed more painful at the time. Oh man, it's gonna take forever to get the gnome back up to the top at this rate.

Norm: Hold your horses, sir. We're just getting to... your love life!

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, boy.

(Song: Happy Evil Love Song (instrumental))

Doofenshmirtz's date: (to Perry) You are the cutest thing I've ever seen. Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

Doofenshmirtz: You know, some people say we look alike.

Doofenshmirtz's date: Uh, I don't think so. Not at all. No, not at all.

Doofenshmirtz: But when I turned the Translator-inator on...

(whales squealing)

Whale: (via the Translator-inator) ..What a loser that guy up there is! She should dump that pink chimp and go out with a real mammal like me!

Doofenshmirtz: She left me for that trash-talking 35-ton pile of blubber.

Doofenshmirtz: Evil love...

Doofenshmirtz: I have never been so happy in my entire life!

Doofenshmirtz's unnamed ex-girlfriend: Oh, Heinz- (De-Love-inator fires) I feel nothing.

Doofenshmirtz: But- But- But-

Doofenshmirtz's unnamed ex-girlfriend: Nothing!

Norm: And do you recall this voice?

Charlene: Hello, Heinz. I have your alimony check.

Doofenshmirtz: Heh-heh... Charlene!

Norm: That's right. It's your former wife, Charlene Doofenshmirtz.

Charlene: Delivered in person, like you asked. Ah, what is this, a game show set? Is this what you spend the money on?

Doofenshmirtz: Well, you know, also groceries.

Charlene: Well, at least it's not in my garage. Nice tux, Norm.

Norm: She's fantastic!

Doofenshmirtz: Norm, let's bring out the big guns: Failed -inators! (montage set to 1812 Overture begins)

(the Age Accelerator-inator blasts randomly)

(the Mountain-out-of-a-Molehill-inator electrocutes Doofenshmirtz)

(the water fortress explodes)

(Candace's rocket crashes into Doofenshmirtz's space station)

(the giant baking soda volcano blows up)

(the Dynamic-inator explodes)

(the Monster Truck Away-inator disappears)

(the Invisinator-turned-Disintegrator zaps its own control panel)

(the Look Away-inator fries)

(the Deface-inator goes boom)

(the Turn Everything Evil-inator explodes)

(Phineas and Ferb's giant bowling ball smashes into the Giant Robotic Penguin Icy Freeze Your Socks Off Breath-Inator Thingy)

(the Dance-inator fires one last ray and explodes)

(the overheated Steak Containment Unit blasts steaks across the Tri-State Area)

(the Bum-Bum-inator rockets into the sky)

(the Juice-inator liquefies D. E. I. and the amusement park track)

(the De-Handsome-inator launches into the air, fires a ray, and explodes)

(the supercomputer explodes on the D. E. I. balcony)

''Doofenshmirtz: Well, at least I found the key to the- (his roof explodes) Nice. Curse you, Perry the- (the roof crashes down again) Oh... Why does everything explode so easily? (the entire top of his building explodes)''

Doofenshmirtz: You know what I'm noticing a lot of? I blow up more than the average guy. (Perry notices a ceiling fan near his trap while Vanna is on the phone and starts swinging toward it) Do they have blowing-up insurance? I should get some of that. And if they don't have it, I think they should make it, 'cause I would buy some. Oh, baby, what an emotional workout!

Norm: And one more good trauma should send Arthur over the top! (the gnome is shown teetering at the edge of the summit)

Doofenshmirtz: Ha-ha, yeah! Hit me with your best shot!

Norm: That's just it, sir! The rest are more comical than tragic.

Doofenshmirtz: What? How are we supposed to go over the- OOF! (Perry kicks Doofenshmirtz off his chair) Aw, curse you, Perry the Platypus- and by "curse you," I mean "thank you!" By humiliating me, you have inadvertently provided me the last tragic backstory I need to put this baby over the top! Remember two seconds ago when you foiled my latest plan? I do!

(the screen flashes back to Perry kicking Doofenshmirtz out of his chair)

Doofenshmirtz: (in flashback) What? How are we supposed to go over the- OOF! (it repeats as Doofenshmirtz laughs evilly) How are we supposed to go over the- OOF!

(the gnome topples over the summit and embeds itself in Vanna's foot; she screams as Doofenshmirtz pulls a lever)

Doofenshmirtz: And now...! (the Backstory-inator starts to send the memories back to Doofenshmirtz) I can feel myself getting (his skin takes a red tint and his teeth become sharp) more e-e-evil!! (his laugh becomes deeper and he grows massive and muscular) Feel the doom!! Nothing can stop me now! (he picks up Perry with a claw-like hand and continues laughing; Perry pulls out his wallet and reveals pictures of the two of them, causing good memories to flow through the extraction helmet) Huh? Uh? NOOOOOO!!!!

(Song: "My Nemesis")

My neme, neme, oooo... my neme, neme, neme

My neme, neme, oooo... my neme, neme, neme

Platypus-Doofenshmirtz: ''Do you ever get tired of lugging this big tail around? ...Well, back at it, I guess.''

I used to sit alone doing evil all day,

But now I think that someone's gonna get in my way,

Yeah, the someone in my life that doesn't want me to exist

(My neme, neme, oooo... my neme, neme, neme)

And I feel fine cause I've got a nemesis

Doofenshmirtz: ''I-I've got an even better best friend! It's clear to me that my best friend is Perry the Plat-OOF!''

My neme, neme, oooo... my neme, neme, neme

My neme, neme, oooo... my neme, neme, neme

Now I hate him, and he hates me,

What a wonderful animosity,

Besides his hat he wears no clothes,

Now I have someone to oppose...

Doofenshmirtz: ''Peter the Panda? And Perry the Platypus? You're working together to rescue me?''

Yes I have a nemesis!

Doofenshmirtz: Doofy-Doofy-Doofy, Doofy-Doofy-Doofy, Doofenshmirtz!

Doofenshmirtz: ''I want you to know that... you are appreciated, Perry the Platypus, you are appreciated.''

My neme, neme, oooo... my neme, neme, neme,

My neme, neme...

Doofenshmirtz: ''You think I'm evil, right? (Perry gives him a grin) Thank you, Perry the Platypus. Thank you.''

Doofenshmirtz: No! What have you done, Perry the Platypus? I'm getting less evil! (crashes into and smashes the Backstory-inator) Significantly sooooooo!! (returns to normal) Darn it, I really liked that shirt. (Perry hang glides away from the building) Curse you, Perry the Platypus! Okay, so I'll see you tomorrow, right?

Vanna: (leaving with the gnome still in her foot) I'm sending you a bill for the shoes. My boyfriend's a lawyer.

Doofenshmirtz: All right, Norm, let's get this place cleaned up. There's backstory all over the place.

End Credits
(In the Flynn-Fletcher backyard, Candace is still watching her brothers playing ping pong)

Candace: Uhh, fine, you've bored me into submission. (leaves)

Phineas: One million five hundred sixty-two thousand nine hundred seventy-two... One million five hundred sixty-two thousand nine hundred seventy-eight! (the ball stops over the net, hovering and glowing white) We did it! We've stored up enough kinetic energy; the quantum vortex should appear any second now. (the ball sucks the table, the boys, and the entire background up, leaving only a blank white screen; Candace walks on, hesitantly and frightened)

Candace: (looks around) ...Mom?