Silent Butt Deadly

[Wyatt is inside the men's room, washing his hands.] Wyatt: "So you got a job as a bathroom attendant at the Soft Rock Café?" [A toilet flushes.] Jonesy: "Yep. Wages, plus tips for handing out paper towels." [He exits a stall, passing Wyatt.] Wyatt: "Aren't you gonna wash your hands?" Jonesy: "No. Because I didn't pee on my hands, Wyatt. So the real question is, why are you washing your hands?" ''[Jonesy exits the restroom. Jude finishes up and leaves as well, also not washing his hands.]'' Jude: "Gross, dude." Jonesy: [to everybody outside the bathroom] "Wyatt peed on his hands!" Wyatt: "Aw, man."

''[Jen, Caitlin, and Nikki are sitting around a table. Nikki is reading a paper.]'' Nikki: "The review says it's the perfect date movie, filled with car chases, hunks, hotties, and an ending that will make everyone cry." Caitlin: "Is it playing at the Gigantoplex?" Nikki: "Yep. It's called True Love and Fistfights." Jen: "Sounds great." Nikki: "Finally. A film that Jonesy and I will both enjoy. We're going tonight." ''[Jonesy and Jude arrive. Jonesy lets out a burp, and the two guys hi-five.]'' Jen: "Ew! That is so gross!" Jonesy: "Being gross is what guys do." [He burps, and both he and Jude laugh.] Nikki: "Okay, seriously, not in front of me, okay?" Jonesy: "Okay, I promise. Not in front of you." [Jonesy gets up, stands behind Nikki, and lets out his longest, loudest burp yet.] Nikki: "Jonesy." Jonesy: "What? I was behind you." Wyatt: [running up] "Don't listen to them! I didn't pee on my hands!" Caitlin: "Eww!" Jen: "What?" [Jude and Jonesy snicker.] Wyatt: "Aw, man."

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Silent Butt Deadly''

[Nikki and Jonesy are watching True Love and Fistfights inside the Gigantoplex.] Actor: "I cannot live without you." Actress: "Nor can I without you." [The other four walk in.] Caitlin: [loudly] "There they are!" [They join Nikki and Jonesy.] Jen: "Okay. What'd we miss?" Caitlin: "Have they fallen in love yet?" Jude: "Who's the dude in the hat?" Wyatt: [struggling with a cellophane bag] "Do they weld these things shut? C'mon, c'mon, open–" [Wyatt's bag explodes, showering them with candies and inadvertently causing chaos.] Caitlin: [being hit in the eye with a candy] "Ow!" Jen: [being splashed with soda] "Hey!" Jude: [grabbing the popcorn tub] "Food fight!" ''[He swings it around. A light shines on them.]'' "Uh-oh." Usher: "That's it. All of you out!" Nikki: "What? But we weren't doing anything, it was all them!" [The usher points towards the exit silently.] Nikki: "Ugh!" ''[The six friends leave, four of them covered in popcorn. They stop in the theater lobby.]'' Jude: "That was awesome, dudes! What do we do now?" Wyatt: [brushing himself off] "First, I'm going to the washroom to clean up." Jen: "Me too." Caitlin: "Wait for us, we'll be right back." [All four leave.] Nikki: [peeved] "Congrats, Casanova. This was supposed to be a date. Y'know, just you and me?" Jonesy: "Don't look at me, I didn't invite them." Nikki: "Wait, you didn't?" Jonesy: "No, I figured you did." Nikki: "What? Okay, we're outta here." Jonesy: "We're not waiting?" Nikki: "Nuh-uh." Jonesy: "Cool." [They leave and go to El Sporto's for dinner.] Nikki: [snickering] "Oh, you've got to be kidding! 'Kay, just admit it. It was you that always wanted me." Jonesy: "Oh, sure. That's why I dated all those other chicks." Nikki: "Yeah, I met them. And if anything, they were a cry for help." Jonesy: "Well either way, I'm really glad we're–" Jude: "Found 'em!" [The other four cram into the booth.] Jen: "Hey. Thanks for waiting." Wyatt: "Yeah, we could've lost you." Jude: "Free nachos." [He grabs a handful.] Jonesy: [annoyed] "No Jude, not free. Not!" Jude: [mouth full] "They taste free." Caitlin: "Hey, tomorrow night, why don't we all–" Nikki: "Enough with the we all!" [She and Jonesy shoulder their way out of the booth.] Wyatt and Jen: "What?" Caitlin: "What?" Nikki: "This was supposed to be a date night for us! Date? Night?" Jen: "Why didn't you just say so?" Nikki: "I did. When I read you the review." Jude: [mouth full] "Oh, did the review say how it ends? Because we all missed that part." Jonesy: "Yes we did, thanks to you jokers." Wyatt: "My candy wouldn't open!" Nikki: "Guys, you know we love you, but we need some space. You stay, we go." [Nikki and Jonesy leave.] Jude: [mouth full] "They left their nachos! Sweet."

[Jude is meeting with a girl in a back hallway of the mall.] Jude: "I really like you, Melinda." [He hands her a pink teddy bear.] Melinda: "What's this for?" Jude: "We've kind of been dating for two weeks. It's our anniversary." Melinda: "But I didn't get–oh, here." [She puts the bear down and offers him some gum.] "Just one piece, okay?" Jude: "Aw, thanks!" [He unwraps it and starts chewing.] Melinda: "I should get going." Jude: "Hey Melinda, wait. Why do we always meet in these weird places?" Melinda: "Jude, my friends can't know we're dating. No one can. I like you, but I'm a senior." Jude: "Eh-huh." Melinda: "And you aren't. Look, if you were older, taller, smarter, and cooler, this wouldn't be an issue." [Jude blows a bubble.] "But I do really like you. Okay? This just has to be our secret." Jude: "Sure...I guess." Melinda: "Maybe tonight I can come over to your house. I'll let you know." [She walks away.] Jude: "Hey, your present." Melinda: "Uh, yeah. My friends might see me, so..." Jude: "Oh." ''[Melinda rushes back and plants a kiss square on Jude's lips. She leaves, with Jude sighing and staring after her.]''

''[Jen, Wyatt, and Caitlin are by the Big Squeeze. Jude skates up.]'' Caitlin: "But if they wanted to be alone, they could have just told us." Jen: "I think she did and we missed it. I feel kinda bad, actually." [Jude takes his seat.] Wyatt: "Yeah. They don't really get a lot of time alone." Caitlin: "Yeah. Well then, we should make it up to them. Give them some space." Jude: "If people want to be alone, then they should meet in a back service hallway. That way no one will ever even find out about them. And just because it's a secret doesn't make their love for each other any less real." Wyatt: "What are you talking about?" Jude: [wary] "Nothing." Jen: "Uh, that was a pretty specific nothing." Wyatt: "How about tonight the four of us do something and let Jonesy and Nikki have some time alone?" Jen: [gasping] "We can go to the amusement park!" Caitlin: [excited] "Okay!" Jude: "I don't know if I can make it." Jen: "Why not?" Jude: "Well you see I got, I got, um–" Wyatt: "Other plans?" Jude: "I just can't. Uh, I'm–well, uh–" Caitlin: "Ooh, Jude has a secret! Tell me!" Jude: "You know I'm not really good with secrets, so please don't ask me." Caitlin: "What are you doing tonight? What are you doing tonight? [Her eyebrows lower a little, switching from excited to a slightly sinister expression.] What are you doing tonight what are you doing tonight whatareyoudoingtonightwhatareyoudoingtonightwhatareyoudoingtonightwhatareyoudoing–" Jude: "GAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAA!!!" [He gets up and runs away.] Caitlin: [chasing him] "Whatareyoudoingtonightwhatareyoudoingtonightwhatareyoudoingtonightwhatareyou..."

[Jonesy and Nikki are inside Underground Video.] Nikki: "I feel kinda guilty about last night. Was I too hard on them?" Jonesy: "I talked to Jen this morning and everything's fine. Tonight, we watch movies at my place. Alone." Nikki: "Okay. So pick something half decent." [She kisses his cheek and leaves.] "Catch you later." Jonesy: "All right!" [to Wayne] "So my good man, what do you recommend?" Wayne: "Rabid Albino Vampires." Jonesy: "What's it about?" Wayne: "Rabid. Albino. Vampires." Jonesy: "I want to rent something for the woman. Y'know, something she'd like." Wayne: [tossing the horror flick away] "Well then how about Tears on My Untamed Heart at Sunrise?" Jonesy: "Is it any good?" Wayne: [offended] "I haven't seen it! It's for chicks!" Jonesy: "Okay, what's it about?" Wayne: "A guy meets this girl on a train and falls in love with her or something." Jonesy: "Eenh." Wayne: [leaning in] "But he's too shy, and she gets off the train before he can confess his feelings. But he finds her diary on the floor and reads all about her life and how lonely she is." [becoming more intense] "Just. Like. Him. And then the last page of the diary, is all about how she wishes she had the courage to talk to this dude, across from her on the train! Him! Him! She loves him back! He knows he has to find her now!" [shaking Jonesy] "Because the time is running out, see, and–" Jonesy: "Are you sure you haven't seen this movie?" Wayne: [letting Jonesy go] "Um...ahem. No charge."

[Jude is lying on the floor by the pay phones, pinned underneath Caitlin.] Jude: [panting] "...and that's why you can't tell anyone." Caitlin: "Ooh, you're her secret boyfriend! Stealing covert kisses, planning secret rendezvous, oh, this is so romantic! Where are you meeting her next?" Jude: "Behind a dumpster." Caitlin: "Oh."

[Diego and Robbie are watching TV in the Masterson-Garcia living room.] Jonesy: "You two, out! We're watching a movie." Diego: "Forget it! Moo Goo Kung-Fu is on at eight." Jonesy: "I don't care, scoot!" Diego: "We were here first." [pretending Jonesy hit him] "Ow, ow, Mom!" Jonesy: "Hey hey, I'm not even touching you!" Nikki: "Oh forget it, let's just watch the movie in your room." Jonesy: [following her] "Awesome!" [Diego and Robbie hi-five at having commandeered the couch.]

''[Jen and Caitlin are at the amusement park. Wyatt and Jude walk up.]'' Caitlin: "Jude! I thought you were meeting with Me–" [Jude coughs to drown her out.] "–not–us–you know." Jude: "My...dentist?" Caitlin: "Yes! Your dentist!" Wyatt: "Your dentist works at night?" Jude: "Yeah. He said that's when most cavities happen?" Wyatt: "Okay, so, let's start with the Vomit Comet!" Jude: "Yes!" Caitlin: "Yeah!" Jen: "No! Every time we come here, we start with the rollercoaster. And then everything after that feels like a letdown." Wyatt: "Well, then, what's your suggestion?" Jen: "Well, I've made an itinerary–" Wyatt: "Oh no." Jen: "It goes from the least to the most exciting activity with a change of location every twenty minutes." Wyatt: "Fine." [unenthusiastic] "This is gonna be fun."

[Jonesy and Nikki are watching the movie.] Actress: "It was too late. Her stop had come and gone." ''[Jonesy and Nikki look at each other and then lean towards each other for a kiss. Suddenly, Nikki's stomach grumbles.]'' Nikki: "A-heh." Jonesy: "You okay?" Nikki: "Yep. Sure. Fine." ''[They lean together again, and Nikki's stomach once again rumbles. Nikki gets up quickly.]'' Jonesy: "Do you need more popcorn?" Nikki: "No, no, no I uh–I just–bathroom." Jonesy: "I'll pause it." Nikki: "No don't! I uh, I want you to keep watching." Jonesy: "I think I can wait." Nikki: "Okay be back!" ''[Once outside, Nikki clutches her upset stomach. She looks at the bathroom right next to Jonesy's room and quickly goes downstairs to another bathroom. She tries the door and finds it locked.]'' Nikki: "Is someone in the bathroom?" Diego: "Yeah, Jen's mom is taking a bath. There's one upstairs, right next to Jonesy's room." Nikki: "Yeah, I know, I know, that's why I'm here. Got any other bathrooms?" Diego: "Nope." [whispering to Robbie] "Hope it's not number two?" Nikki: [overhearing him] "You know what Diego, you're a little–" [Her stomach moans.] "I'll tell you later!" ''[Nikki settles for the unoccupied bathroom. Once inside, she shuts the door, only for it to pop back open. She tries shutting it again, but it still rebounds to an open position.]'' Nikki: "Oh, please." [She tries it again.] "C'mon." [Again.] "Oh, c'mon!" [It doesn't work this time either.] Jonesy: [calling to her] "Door's a little tricky sometimes!" Nikki: [pained] "Oh..." [She swiftly slams it four times.] Jonesy: [calling to her] "Slamming it won't help, you gotta–" [Nikki leans on the door, and it shuts.] "There you go." Nikki: "Thanks!" [Nikki turns on some water in the sink, undoes her pants, and sits down on the can.]

''[Jonesy is in his room, playing gunfighter with the remote. He rips it from an imaginary holster and presses a button on it. This is rewarded with a fart noise. Jonesy looks at the remote suspiciously until another loud fart is heard.]'' Jonesy: "Aah!" ''[He fumbles the remote. More farts are heard.]'' "Gah!" [looking for music on his stereo] "Wh-wh-whoa!" [More farts.] "Gah! Fah la la la, yeah yeah, fa la la la, makin' noise, making noise–" [He puts a CD in and turns the CD player on.] "–fa la la la, yeah!" ''[The music starts playing. It doesn't help.]'' "Fa la la la yeah, fa la la yeah!" ''[In the bathroom, Nikki's face is buried in toilet paper to disguise her embarrassment. The door swings open.]'' Nikki: "Aaaahh!" [pulling up her pants] "Why, why why why!" ''[Nikki flushes the toilet and goes over to deal with the door situation. She doesn't notice that she dropped the end of the roll in the toilet, and the whole roll of toilet paper is whipped off of its' holder and sucked down the drain. She shuts the door and turns back, just in time to see the last of the paper disappearing.]'' Nikki: "Oh no." Jonesy: [hiding in his room] "Oh no."

[The other four are hanging out in the arcade.] Jen: "Okay, I admit the carousel ride was disappointing." Jude: "Can we hit the Vomit Comet now?" Jen: "Not before the Space Annihilator tournament and the bouncy room!" Wyatt, Jude, and Caitlin: "Aw!" [Jen's phone rings, and Jude goes off to play some games.] Jen: "Hello?" [unable to hear due to the noise of Jude's game] "Who? What? You'll have to speak up." Nikki: [whispering] "You've got to help me." Jen: "Is this Nikki?" Jude: "Jen, you're up!" Jen: "Nikki, I'm passing you to Caitlin!" [She starts playing.] Caitlin: "How goes the romance?" Nikki: [whispering] "I'm in the bathroom. The toilet is clogged!" Caitlin: "Ew!" Nikki: [whispering] "I don't know what to do!" Wyatt: "What's going on?" Nikki: [whispering] "No! No please don't tell!" Caitlin: "Nikki clogged the toilet." Nikki: "Caitlin!" Jude: "Whoa." Caitlin: "Sorry Nikki. It's okay. We're all friends here." Wyatt: [to Jude] "Oh by the way, congrats on Melinda Wilson. Nice catch." Jude: [upset] "Caitlin, that was supposed–" Caitlin: [cutting him off] "No time, Jude. Nikki's in trouble." [into her phone] "Don't worry Nikki, I know what to do. You'll need eyeliner, an eyelash curler, a hairbrush, curling irons, and a medium-to-hot, one cotton ball, filter toner, and a can of aerosol hair spray." [Nikki ransacks the bathroom on a search for these items.] Jonesy: [calling] "Uh, is everything okay in there?" Nikki: "Ah, just freshening up!" ''[Jonesy rocks back and forth on his bed, clutching a pillow for comfort. Nikki places the items on the counter.]'' Nikki: "Okay." Caitlin: "While you're waiting for the curling iron to heat up, take the eyeliner and put it in your mouth for fifteen seconds. It softens it for smudging. Using the soaked cotton ball, remove any dirt or grime from your face." Nikki: [spitting out the eyeliner] "Wait. How is any of this stuff gonna unclog the toilet?" Caitlin: "It won't. But when you do come out, you're gonna look great!" Nikki: "Caitlin! Do you have any idea how freakishly mad I am right now? When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna–" [Caitlin covers the phone.] Caitlin: "Wow. She's really upset about something." [into the phone] "Nikki. Nikki, wait. Jude is dating Melinda Wilson!" Jude: "AAAAAAHHHHH!" Jen: [as buzzers go off on the game] "Yes! High score! Woo!" Caitlin: [tossing Jen the phone] "Nikki is trapped in your upstairs bathroom with a clogged toilet!" Jen: "Nikki, leave it! Jonesy's dad'll fix it!" Nikki: "It's too late for that!" Jen: "What do you mean?" Nikki: "Well, let me put it to you this way. Elvis has not left the building." [Jen gasps.] Jen: "There's a plunger behind the toilet!" [Nikki grabs the plunger and then, worried that someone might hear, turns the shower on.] Jonesy: [to himself] "Why is she taking a shower?" [Nikki plunges furiously for a few seconds before picking up the phone again.] Nikki: "Okay, I'm gonna try flushing again." [She does so.] "Ah! Ah! It's working! It's working! Uh, oh wait. Oh no! Oh no!" [jiggling the handle] "It's gonna overflow!" Jen: "Whatever you do, don't jiggle the handle." Nikki: "What? Aah!" Jude: "She jiggled the handle!" Jen: "Nikki, lift the lid to the back of the toilet. You can stop the water." Nikki: [doing as commanded] "Wh–stop it how?" [She slips.] "Wh–aah! Unh." ''[Nikki falls onto the side of the tub and grabs at the shower curtain. To do this, she drops the lid to the toilet, and it shatters on the floor. The curtain also doesn't hold, instead coming off of the rings. Nikki is left sitting in the bathtub, pants around her ankles, with water from the showerhead raining down on her.]'' Nikki: [dazed] "Oh, uh..." Jen: "Nikki?" [Nikki begins crying.] "Nikki?" Caitlin: "Oh no." Jonesy: "Hello?" Jen: [shocked] "Jonesy! What happened to Nikki?" Jonesy: "I dunno, she ran right past me out of the house. The bathroom's a disaster, and there's something on the AAAH!" Caitlin: [taking the phone] "Jonesy! Jonesy, listen to me. Jude is dating Melinda Wilson!" Jude: "Aw, come on!" [Behind Jonesy, the door pops open.] Jonesy: "Sweet!" [He turns around to leave the bathroom and runs into the door.] "Whoa!" [Jonesy falls backwards into the wrecked bathroom, and a wave washes out the door, caused by the immense amounts of water on the floor which are a direct byproduct of Nikki's abuse of the sink, shower, and toilet.] Jonesy: "Oh gross."

[The girls are gathered by the Big Squeeze.] Caitlin: "It's gonna be fine, Nikki. One time I went through an entire date not knowing I had a booger hanging out of my nose." Nikki: "And he still wanted to see you?" Caitlin: "No, actually, I never heard from him again." Jen: "Nikki, it's different for you and Jonesy. You've known each other forever! My bet is he's already forgotten about it."

''[Jonesy is morosely working the bathrooms of the Soft Rock Café. A bearded man walks in.]'' Jonesy: [blocking his way] "Where are you going?" [The man points towards a stall.] "Why do you want to go in there? What are you gonna do?" Bearded Man: "Well, that's a little personal." [He moves towards another stall, but Jonesy blocks him again.] Jonesy: "You sure you need to go? Oh darn, we're closed for cleaning." [He pushes the man out and holds the door shut.] "No one can use this bathroom! Go away!" [The man and Jonesy's boss shove their way into the room.] Chuck: "Jonesy?" Jonesy: "Yeah yeah yeah, I know, I'm fired." [As soon as Jonesy leaves, the customer bolts for a stall.]

''[Jonesy is returning the movie. His male friends are with him.]'' Wayne: "Did you and the little lady enjoy Tears on My Untamed Heart at Sunrise?" Jonesy: "Huh? Oh, yeah. We didn't finish it." Wayne: "What? How could you shut it off? Have you no love, no soul?" Jonesy: "Something...happened." Wayne: "Was it the apocalypse?!? Because there would be no other acceptable reason to press stop on this film!" Jude: "Jonesy fell down into Nikki's used toilet water." Wayne: "Ooh. Harsh." Jonesy: "It's no big deal." Wayne: "Are you kidding me? You've seen the horrible truth! Women are just as gross as men! Women will never be as sexy to you as they once were! Gosh, sorry about you and Nikki. You were a good couple." Jonesy: "Oh, we'll work it out." [He and his friends leave.] Wayne: [calling after him] "There's no going back, Jonesy, the lights are on. Welcome to my side of the planet! THE LONELY SIDE!" ''[Outside the store, Jonesy faintly hears Wayne. He stops and turns to his friends.]'' Jonesy: "What if Wayne's right? What if Nikki and I can't get over this?" Wyatt: "I think the sooner you two talk, the better it will be." Jonesy: "Good call. Catch you two later!" ''[Jonesy runs off to find Nikki. Jude and Wyatt pass Melinda.]'' Jude: [calling to her] "Melinda!" Wyatt: "Um, isn't your relationship supposed to be a secret?" Jude: "Yeah, but now that all you guys know, it doesn't really matter. Melinda!" [Melinda starts to move away from Jude.] Wyatt: "Maybe you shouldn't–" Jude: "Melinda!" [Melinda Wilson leaves.] "Guess she couldn't hear me."

''[Caitlin is polishing glasses inside the Big Squeeze. Her friends are gathered at the table nearby.]'' Jen: "Uh, why was I the last to hear about this?" Jude: "I didn't tell anyone." Caitlin: "You told me." Jude: "My extra-large mistake." Jen: "Jude. Being a secret boyfriend is never a good thing." Jude: "But–" Jen: "If she isn't proud to be with you, then why are you hanging out with her?" Jude: "Because she's crazy hot?" Jen: "Don't you want to be able to hold her hand at school, meet her friends, invite her to parties?" Jude: "Yeah!" Jen: "Then tell her she either accepts you as you are or it's over." Jude: "Okay." [He picks up his phone and dials.] "Melinda? I need to meet you right now. Where? Okay." Jen: [hi-fiving him after he hangs up] "Way to show some self-respect! I'm really proud of you." Jude: "Thank you. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go wait in a garbage can." Jen: [smacking her forehead in amazed disappointment] "Uh!"

''[Jonesy looks through the plate glass window of the Khaki Barn storefront and sees Nikki working. Losing his nerve, he gets out his cell and dials. Nikki answers.]'' Nikki: "Hello?" Jonesy: "Hey?" Nikki: [uncomfortable] "Oh, hi." Jonesy: "So...how are you?" Nikki: "Fine. Mmm-hmm. You?" Jonesy: "Should we...talk about this, or–" Nikki: "Jonesy, I have to go. Uh, not go, go, but–I–don't–I have too many customers now, okay?" [Jonesy looks into the store and sees that Nikki isn't busy at all.] Jonesy: "Oh. Kay. I guess we'll–" Nikki: "Talk later." Jonesy: "Okay." Nikki: "Bye." [Both hang up, unhappy with how their relationship is going.]

''[Melinda Wilson walks past the pay phones and taps on the lid of a trashcan. Jude pokes his head out.]'' Jude: "I need to know the truth. Are you embarrassed of me?" Melinda: "Jude, of course not! Uh oh." [She slams the lid down.] Jude: "Ouch." ''[A couple passes by. As soon as they're gone, Melinda knocks on the lid again, and Jude sticks his head out.]'' "Are you sure?" Melinda: "Yes. But I can't believe you told all of your friends about us!" Jude: "I didn't. I told one of my friends, and now they all know." Melinda: "That's the same thing!" Jude: "Not exactly. See–" [Melinda slams the lid on him again.] "GOW!" ''[As soon as her peers pass, Melinda knocks on the lid again. Jude rises up, dazed.]'' Melinda: "What were you saying?" Jude: "Was I saying...what?" Melinda: "Nevermind. Look, Jude, tell your friends to keep their mouths shut. If my friends hear about us, it's over." [Melinda shuts the lid on Jude again and walks away.] Jude: "Okay. Later."

''[Caitlin, Jen, Nikki, and Wyatt are sitting around. Jude and Jonesy walk up and each take a seat. Jonesy sits at another table.]'' Nikki: [suddenly getting up] "I'm late for work. Later!" Jen: [after she leaves] "What are you doing?" Jonesy: "What?" Jen: "You've gotta find a way to fix this." Caitlin: "Yeah, Jonesy. Nikki is really embarrassed. It's up to you to show her you still feel the same way you did before 'the incident'." Jonesy: [taking his regular seat] "I don't know if I do." [Jen and Caitlin gasp.] Wyatt: "Oh no." Jonesy: "I think Wayne's right. I can't go back!" Jen: "Since when do you take advice from I've-Never-Been-On-A-Date-With-A-Woman-Wayne? Just remember how much of a low-down loser you were after you lost Nikki the last time." Wyatt: "And how hard it was to get her back?" Caitlin: "And that you're a better person when you're with her." Jude: "And that she clogged your toilet." Wyatt, Jen, and Caitlin: "Jude!" Jude: "True story." Jonesy: [dispirited] "Aw man." Jen: "Fine Jonesy. Take Wayne's advice. Maybe if you're lucky you'll end up just like him: bitter, greasy, and alone for the rest of your life." ''[Jonesy's eyes widen as he realizes that Nikki is really a much better choice. He stands up.]'' Jonesy: [confident] "I can fix this!" [He marches off to fix his relationship.] Jen: [to Jude] "Now, what about you and Melinda?" Jude: "I think I just came up with a plan. I'll let you know how it goes." Jen: "Fine then." [getting up] "Meeting adjourned."

[Jonesy rushes into the Khaki Barn and runs up to Nikki.] Nikki: "Uh–" [Jonesy grabs her and plants a kiss on her lips.] Kristen and Kirsten: "Aww!" [Jonesy breaks the kiss and lets out a rolling burp.] Kristen and Kirsten: "Ew!" Jonesy: [rushing to speak] "I'm gross all the time! All the time!" [He burps.] "And you accept that! So I can totally accept that you were gross once!" Nikki: "Hey–" [thinking] "–thanks." ''[Nikki pulls Jonesy close, and they kiss again. Kristen and Kirsten sigh happily.]''

''[Jude is in an air vent. Melinda crawls over to him from the other direction.]'' Melinda: "Alright. I got your message. Why am I here?" Jude: "I figured out how you can prove I'm an important dude to you." Melinda: "Fine! How?" [She sniffs the air.] "What is that smell?" Jude: "I farted." Melinda: "Eww!" ''[She covers her nose and looks for a way out. Jude stops her.]'' Jude: "If you can't stay with me now, this is never gonna last." [He farts.] "That one slipped out." Melinda: "Uh–" ''[Thinking quickly, Jude's secret girlfriend pounds on a vent cover with her feet. It breaks off, and she drops out of it, falling into a Khaki Barn changing room.]'' Melinda: "Whoa! Ow." Jude: [sticking his head out of the vent] "Goodbye, Melinda. I'm sorry it didn't work out." ''[He moves along down the ceiling vent. Along the way, another fart slips out.]'' "That's the smell of a love that was never meant to be."