Getting to Paris is Hard

[To start the sketch, Lauren Conrad steps out of a silver convertible with her name on the bottom left corner of the screen.]

Lauren (narrating): Previously on The Hills (cut to Lauren walking up to Heidi Montag in a bar and Heidi's name on the bottom right corner), Heidi tried to apologize, but I wasn't ready to forgive her.

[The two women are seen drinking wine.]

Heidi: It's hard to say you're sorry.

Lauren: "You're sorry." See, I've just said it.

[We pass by various clip shots of Los Angeles, such as palm trees, buildings, and signs.]

Lauren (narrating): Plus, my job at Teen Vogue was about to change forever.

[On the last shot (which is of the Hollywood sign), The Hills logo pops up on screen, and then we fade to Lauren and her boss, Kimble, in the Teen Vogue office.]

Kimble: We are sending you to Paris!

Lauren: Oh, my God, Paris?!

Singing Woman: (while Lauren thinks deeply) I'm just a girl, and Paris seems so far away.

Kimble: (looks off-camera as song ends) I'm sorry; I thought that song would go longer. (to Lauren) Anyway, there's a catch! We're also sending Heidi.

Lauren: (shocked) But... Heidi doesn't even work here!

Kimble: Are you saying that this is a scripted show?

Lauren: I just don't know if I can go to Paris with Heidi.

Singing Woman: (as more Los Angles clip shots pass by) A trip to Paris is what you've always wanted, but there's a catch and... her name is Heidi Montag!

[We fade Lauren and Heidi back at the bar, but with Spencer Pratt next to them.]

Lauren: It's really hard, but... I want you to go to Paris.

Heidi: I don't know; it's hard!

Spencer: (as camera pulls to him with his name on the bottom left corner of the screen) I like talking.

Singing Man: (as Spencer drives the women out of Los Angeles and through a desert) I like talking to you... about every little thing that you do, but I can't tell the difference... (cut to the three inside Spencer's car) between you two!

Lauren: (frustrated) Spencer, I don't think you even know where Paris is!

Heidi: Leave him alone, Lauren! He's trying! Driving is hard; everything is so hard!

Spencer: Heidi, other one, stop yelling! (yells and slaps his hands on the sides of his head) Noises hurt! Hot water burn baby!

[He suddenly drives the car off of the road as another song starts with various shots of the desert following.]

Singing Woman: Sorry, you're too late. When you're young and numb, you're awake!

[As the song ends, the three are inspecting Spencer's car in the middle of the desert.]

Spencer: Oh, great, the tires are flat!

Lauren: No, they aren't! You just drove off the road!

Spencer: Fine, Lauren, fine! I can't do this with you right now! (marches away) Frustrated grunt!

Heidi: You're jealous that I'm with Spencer! This is hard, Lauren - seriously! (also walks away as Lauren only watches)

Lauren: Getting to Paris is hard! (she tries to open the car door, but it's locked) The keys! Either one of them could have the keys. So, I should go... (points in the opposite direction) this way!

[She goes in her pointed direction as a time-lapsed sunset occurs and another song plays.]

Singing Woman: Sometimes, you've got to split the difference between two people, and then you'll find the copies.

[Around twilight, up on a hill, someone watches Lauren through a pair of night-vision binoculars.]

Singing Woman: But if someone watches through binoculars, it means the hills have eyes, and Paris is so far away!

[Lauren continues to walk and sees a small pair of lights in the distance.]

Lauren: (joyful) The city of lights! I've made it!

[She begins walking towards them, but suddenly stumbles and breaks one of her heels.]

Singing Man: You really made it to the big time, and it was such a hard climb!

[After rubbing her ankle to soothe it of pain, she arrives at a boarded up house where the light is.]

Singing Man: But Paris can be lonely without friends!

''[She peeks through the window to see Poppa Jay, a backwoods cannibal, along with two other cannibals having tied up both Spencer and Heidi. Poppa Jay is sharpening up a large butcher knife.]''

Poppa Jay: We're gonna skin you, wear your skin (walks up to Heidi as his name briefly shows up in the bottom left corner), bake you in the oven, and eat you, girl.

[Heidi tries to talk, but her words are muffled by the gag tape, so Poppa Jay removes it.]

Heidi: That sounds hard!

Poppa Jay: (places the tape back over Heidi's mouth) Come on, let's go warm up the oven.

[He and his assistants walk to the kitchen as Lauren quietly sneaks in through the door.]

Lauren: (whispering and telling her friends to hush) Be quiet, guys. (reaches into Spencer's pocket and takes out his car keys) Don't say anything.

[She walks away into the dark desert, but then one of the cannibals comes up behind her without her knowing it.]

Singing Woman: On the outside, looking in, everything's just a little thin.

''[He tackles her to the ground, starts to beats her up, and throws her purse to the side. Lauren screams in terror as the cannibal continues to attack her.]''

Singing Woman: But just remember who you are: a big bright shining star! Hey, you're just another average girl!

''[To end to episode, Lauren briefly pops up before the cannibal throws her back down. As the screen cuts to black, the sound of cracking bones is heard.]''