Undercover Mother

1 I can't find my French book anywhere. Probably because you take Spanish. That explains it. Don't look now. Here comes Alexis. I can't stand that girl. - Hi, KC. - Hey, girl. So did you hear? The school's top student is being interviewed by Scholastic Accomplishments Quarterly. Scholastic Accomplishments Quarterly? That is, like, the quarterly publication for scholastic accomplishments. I have been dying to get that interview. Thank you for the heads up. Ooh, this is awkward. They're actually interviewing me. Sorry. Thought you knew. Wait, so you just click-clacked all the way over here to rub it in her face? Why can't you just post your brags online like everyone else? Let me just get this straight. Um, they decided to interview the student with the second-highest GPS in the school? No, the first. Turns out I'm actually the smartest student in the entire DC-Metro area. Well, if that were true, you would know that I am the smartest student in the entire DC-Metro area. Tell it to Scholastic Accomplishments Quarterly. Oh, that's right. They don't wanna talk to you. Well, are you sure you're not being interviewed by Obnoxious Accomplishments Quarterly? Why do you let her get to you like that? She's been driving you crazy since we were little kids. I have my reasons. Nice turkey, KC. - Thanks, Alexis. - Just not as nice as mine. Are those real feathers? Mm-hmm. (Shrieking) My boa. I've been de-plumed. Nobody plucks my best friend's feathers. You're going down. I'm not letting her get away with this. I'm going to the principal, because I know I have a higher GPA than her, and I'm getting that interview. Are you sure you wanna be in the nerd report? Hint: If you want a social life, the answer is no. Okay. Good-bye to you, too. I swear, it's like no one listens to me. Every time I have something to say (Theme song begins playing) Oh, when danger comes for you You know I'll stand beside you 'Cause ain't nobody keep things hustle cool I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire Don't tell nobody, tell nobody I'm not perfect So many things I wanna tell you But I, I, I, I keep it undercover Livin' my life, no way to learn Doin' my thing, gonna make it work Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless But I always got your back Nobody can do it like I can I gotta find out who I am Ain't got to worry about me It's all part of the plan I keep it undercover. I keep it undercover. So I reviewed my transcript with the principal, and it turns out I do have a higher GPA than she does. So I will be meeting with a reporter from the magazine tomorrow. I was right. May I remind you, we're spies. We go undercover, not on the cover. You can't do that interview. Ernie, I earned it, okay? I'm not gonna give it up. You should know better than anyone. There should be more to life than just being a spy. School means a lot to me, and I worked hard, and I think I deserve to have my work recognized. The Organization will never allow it. The Organization will never find out, because you will keep your mouth shut. Look, Mom and Dad are away on a mission, so I'm gonna have to step into their roles for a second. (Sighs) I know how bad you want this, buddy. And I know how hard you've worked. I do. But you've gotta cancel that interview. Okay, fine. I will. Proud of ya. Glad we had this talk, princess. Okay, all right, this is weird. C. W. Barnes, Scholastic Accomplishments Quarterly. Oh. KC Cooper, scholastic accomplishments constantly. I have to tell you, I'm very excited about this interview. I have read every issue of your magazine. Yes. I am the one. I know what you did. And you know what you did. Well, I'm excited, too. I think these next two days are gonna be a lot of fun. Two days? That seems like a lot of time for just a little blurb, unless you spend the first day and a half looking for a pen. Blurb? Uh, I don't think so. I wanna do an in-depth article, the likes of which they have never seen before. For the next 48 hours, I'm gonna be your shadow. Oh, really? Yes. I'm gonna find out where you go, what you do, and who you do it with. I'm gonna uncover all of your deepest, darkest secrets. I'm gonna find out everything there is to know about KC Cooper. Well, um, the first thing you should know is that KC Cooper is a fraud. Yeah, I am a fraud. A lyin', stinkin', cheatin' fraud, and you cannot have me in your magazine. I don't understand. Neither do I. I don't understand anything. In fact, I don't even understand what the word understand means which is why I cheat, all the time, off of this young lady here. This much more smarter than me lady. (Chuckles) That's not even correct English, but I don't even know how to speak it, 'cause I'm dumb. C. W. , this is the person that you need to be talking to. Alexis, she is the ahem smartest person in our class. (Nervous chuckle) In the entire DC-Metro area. Take it easy. The drive to a mission shouldn't be the most dangerous part. I think someone's following us. I promise, just like on all your social media, no one is following you. Then I guess I'm just upset about that interview. That reporter really got in my head. The reporter? The reporter?! You mean the reporter I told you not to talk to? That reporter? Why do you always think you know better than me? Because 99. 999% of the time, I do know better than you. I'm telling you, someone is tailing us. You're paranoid. Relax. - You relax. - I am relaxed. - (Horn honking) - (Shrieking) Can you relax a little quieter? Ernie: You need to intercept the Other Side agent before he can make the drop. We need that flash drive. Wait. Sh. - I think I've got a tail. - This again? The targets are six blocks away. If you've got company, they're not on the guest list. You would know all about not being on a guest list, wouldn't you? And by the way, I have 112 followers. One more word and you're down to 111. I hear footsteps. Ernie, I'm right about this. - Someone is following me. - Yes, KC, we know. You're always right. Now get outta there. Yeah, that's right. Eat dirt, scuzzball. You are dealing with the youngest senior junior secret agent in the Organization. Can I quote you on that, KC? What were you saying about being the youngest junior secret what? Wow. You must've hit the ground pretty hard, because, uh, I don't know what you're talking about, or why you're even here. Call it reporter's intuition, but you were acting weird. I thought there was more to the story. Now I am sure of it. Get rid of him. The targets are in range. Uh, you know what? Let's talk later. This isn't really a safe place. Oh, so it's safe for you, but not for me. Now I'm really intrigued. Okay, look out. Sweet dreams. Sorry, C-Dubs. I'll take that flash drive. Thank you very much. All right, C-Dubs. Let's roll. Okay, we'll go on three, all right? One, two Three. I said we go on three. That would be the number after two. You should've listened to me. I told you not to mess around with this interview. I told you, I told you, I told you. Will you stop telling me you told me and help me get him in here? Ready? On three. One, two, three. What? I said three. I know. You got all up in my head. Just get in the van, please. Can you just admit for once you wouldn't be in this situation if you had done what I told you?! He wouldn't know you exist, and he definitely wouldn't have followed you on your top-secret mission. Now, what do you suggest we do with this guy when he wakes up? So up until I was, I don't know, three years old, I thought it was A-B-Z's. Oh, man, kids can be so dumb. Even the really smart ones. Um what are we doing here? Apparently putting you to sleep. Uh, no, no. No, wait, I followed you. No, you came up to me earlier and asked if we could meet here for the interview and then you insisted on getting the Hawaiian pizza, which you will pay the price for later when it feels like you've been slammed up against a van. It'll make sense, trust me. Uh, well, I don't remember any of that, but I guess we should start the interview. Or continue it. Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Ask away. I am an open book. I have no secrets whatsoever. So tell me, did you always wanna be a journalist? Absolutely. When I was five, I did my first investigative report. "Mall Santas: Lap of luxury or knees of disease?" Mmm, interesting. Please go on. You should've seen it. I played him like a fiddle. If there's one thing I learned from being friends with you, it's that people love to talk about themselves. So I managed to finish the interview without giving up any real information, and I still get the recognition I deserve. Take that, Alexis. (Scoffs) Uh, I saw that. - Saw what? - You rolled your eyes. Well, I had to roll them, or else I would fall asleep. How many times are we gonna talk about this Alexis and Who Cares quarterly? Could you not mock and criticize me for once in your life? When have I ever criticized you? I don't know. Our entire friendship. Where is the sparkly unicorn vest I laid out for you? You cannot wear flannel on Picture Day. Why? It never goes out of style. Because it's never been in style. You can't wear that. Not only will I wear flannel today. I will wear flannel every day for the rest of my life. What about when you get married? Flannel veil. Oh, so you're blaming your lack of style on me? - Is that what this is about? - I'm stylish. Ish. Look, this is about you supporting me, which apparently is just too much to ask. - KC. - I don't wanna fight. I'm just kind of stressed out because of this interview, but you know what? At least it's over. KC, there you are. I wanna set up a time to interview your parents. Uh, what do you mean by parents? I mean the people who raised you. Oh, that's impossible, 'cause my dad's out of town. Then I can wait till he gets back. He's an astronaut. It could be months. Then your mom. She has outta-house-aphobia. That is the fear of being out of the house. Well, then, I will come to her. All right? See you this afternoon. Okay. Outta-house-aphobia? How are you the smartest person in our school? (Knocking on door) Hello. Anybody home? Mrs. Cooper? - Hello. - Coming. Hello, hello, hello. I am Kira Cooper, KC's mother. How ya feelin'? What's the dealie? Whazzup?! Oh, I'm sorry. I know that is old-timey expressions. How do you young kids say it nowadays? Uh hi. You kids and your crazy slang. Come on. It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Cooper. And can I just say, you look so young to have a teenage daughter. You know what? The secret is clean living. And lots and lots and lots of makeup. I mean, under here, I am an old hag. So you're doing a little article about my baby? Yes. Ernie! What are you doing here? I live here. Well, don't just stand there, my son. Your what?! Give your mama some sugar. Come here now. (Whispering) I am this close to getting my article. You better not mess it up for me. Oh! Look at my little boy. All right, so where were we? We were waiting for KC. We don't have to wait for her; she's boring. I think she should be here. Well, you know what? She's actually at NASA waiting for her father. Could be months. Actually, Mother, KC is back. She's right upstairs. KC always has to be right upstairs. You're mistaken, dear. Don't forget, you're still not too old to get a little spanking. Nope. She just texted me. Should I text her and tell her to come on down? (Stammering) You know what? That won't be necessary. I will be right back. With KC? (Angrily) Yes, with KC. I mean, you hope for two geniuses, but this one is just not that bright. KC's right upstairs. He is lucky that I am not his mother. Oh, hey, C. W. My mom said you needed me. What's up? I need both of you actually. Oh, well, she's upstairs, and I only have a few minutes, you know. So much homework, so little time. Go ahead. Ask away. Uh, okay. Would you say you inherited your work ethic from your parents? Oh, yeah, absolutely. My parents have always encouraged me to be the best I can be. I'm sure my mom would agree. But why leave it to chance? Why not go get her? I'm sure it'll be nice for C. W. to talk to both of you at the same time. Maybe even take a picture of both of you. - Together. - That would be great. Mmm, wouldn't it? I'll be right back. Mommy's home! Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. I was at plastic surgery. Which is why I look so young. But don't put that in your article. That is off the record, mister. Who's this? Oh, I'm KC's mother. Then who's that? KC's other mother. KC has two moms? Looks like it. I didn't realize KC had two moms. Neither did she. Well, it's not like when I was a teenager. There's lots of ways to make a family nowadays. Can I talk to you outside for a second? This one is so pushy. One second. What the heck do you think you're doing? Why would you come over here and pretend to be my mother? You told me I don't support you, so I came to support you. That's actually really sweet. Thank you. Now get outta here before you ruin everything. I'm sorry. Just to clarify, KC lives here with you two? - Her moms? - Yeah, so? Just a little surprised. Why? 'Cause I'm white? No. No. Because my background information says KC lives here with her mom and her dad. A Craig Cooper? The guy that's in all the family photos inside while you aren't in any of them. There's a simple explanation for all of that. I'm a vampire. A vampire? You, a vampire? Well, I know it's not as original as having outta-house-aphobia while your father is stuck in space, but then again, I'm not the smartest girl in school - like you. - Just help me drag him inside. I can't believe it. You actually asked me to help you with something. Excuse me, but what is that supposed to mean? It means you never want anyone's help because you have to have everything your way. Exactly. - Why am I on the floor? - Hey, let me help you up. Your problem is you always have to be right. Now we're having a conversation. Why is everybody ganging up on me? So you don't like that we're challenging you? Probably because you're not used to it because you always have to be right. And you always have to be the best the best student, the best athlete, - the best fake mom. - Okay, guys, this is crazy. Is it? You couldn't let Alexis be in the magazine because you couldn't stand the idea of people thinking she's better than you. Because she's not. I have a teeny, tiny, slightly higher GPA than she does. I don't always have to be the best. It's just that You usually are? Hey, you said it, I didn't. I really am confused. I don't know where all this is suddenly coming from. - Suddenly?! - This has been going on forever. KC, Marisa and I are signing up for the talent show. Yeah. We've been practicing. Look what we can do. Hit it, Ernie. (Playing "Chopsticks" off-key) That's great. I've been practicing, too. May I? (Playing "Flight of the Bumblebee" flawlessly) And that's how you play the piano. I'm not having fun anymore. I'm never going to try to be good at anything ever again. You know what? I just realized something. I should've never quit piano lessons. I was really good. That's not the point of the story. Okay, fine. So sometimes I have a little itty bitty overwhelming need to be the absolute best at everything I do, but what's wrong with wanting to be the best? Nothing, but it's also not the end of the world if sometimes, somebody else is. So what? I'm just supposed to dumb myself down? I'm not gonna do that. No, we wouldn't want you to do that. But all of this "failure isn't an option" stuff is really a lot of pressure. And when you're so focused on beating everyone around you Then I lose sight of what's really important. Like the fact that I have an amazing brother and best friend who are actually very, very right. I'm sorry, guys, and I will work on it. Okay? I promise. Now can we go get some fro-yo? Sounds good. Ooh, better not forget this. Mommy loves a senior discount. C. W. did a really great job with this article. It is very well-written. Best article I've read all year. Okay, the only article I've read all year. Ooh. Enjoying the article written about me? Yes, actually. Congrats, Alexis. Well-deserved. Oh. Thank you, KC. It's killing you, isn't it? A little bit. Rob, your name's on TV.