Family Guy Lite

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and s*x on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

MAN: Hold the door.

Great. It's that guy I only have one thing in common with.

Hey, Peter. How about that gay encounter we had?

God, every time with this guy.

I'm gonna take the stairs.

Oh, my God, I'm never gonna get up these stairs.

(PANTING)

Okay, it's all right.

I do this every week in the opening credits.

All right, let's see. How does that go?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's... a man who ♪

♪ Positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us... ♪

(GRUNTING)

I swear he says the F-word.

(PANTING)

Everything hurts.

Everything's wet.

I'm just gonna stay here.

Was Labyrinth a good movie?

I can't remember.

I don't want to watch it again, though.

Seems like a chore.

Aw, even Slinky from Accounting can make it up the stairs.

Don't forget to turn in your time card, Peter.

What are you, allergic to money?

Ha ha. No. No, I want to get paid.

Just forgot.

Ugh, look at me.

I haven't felt this out of shape since I took surfing lessons.

Boy, this is harder than I thought.

My arms are getting really tired.

Nah, you're fine. Just keep goin'.

Tai, your positivity is infectious!

All right, P-Town, wave comin' in.

I'm just gonna give you a little push, and you just stand up.

(BARKING)

Okay, so, welcome to the first meeting of our women's creative writing workshop.

Ladies.

Okay, Donna, you want to read yours?

Oh, I didn't do mine.

Wha...? Well, then you can't have any more snacks.

You just can't.

Well, I guess it's my turn.

"Louise lowered her velvet hood,

"letting loose her flowing red hair.

"Ignoring her friends' obvious and understandable envy,

"she confidently approached the mysterious castle.

"The doors blew open,

"as if some magical force had been expecting her.

"Louise belonged here,

"if only because this is where Horatio called home.

"Then, through the vegetation, and past the mist

"that sprinkled her heaving bosom, she saw him.

"Horatio, with his long, flowing hair blowing in the breeze,

"his cape fluttering.

- (STOMACH GURGLING) - "He had only two loves

"in his life: his horses and Louise's heaving bosom.

"He grabbed her tighter than she'd ever been held before.

"A way in which her husband, Paulter, had not held her

- "since before they were married. - (TOILET FLUSHES)

"Horatio then took Louise by the hand,

"leading her out to his stables as her bosom heaved.

"Louise's mind was racing in anticipation

"of the dirty hay s*x that was gonna most definitely happen.

"As the two lovers entangled into one

"atop the probably peed-on hay,

"Louise's bosom heaved.

"They spent the next minutes

"fighting off sneezes, in the throes of ecstasy.

Heaving bosom."

- Damn, that's steamy, Lois. - Really?

Uh, yeah, really. Phew!

Anybody mind if I open me?

- (HISSING) - Ah!

See you in the shower, ladies.

What am I gonna do?

I've been here all day, and I can't move.

I got it. I'll do what James Franco did in Hours.

WOMAN: UCLA admissions office.

Yes, I'd like to enroll in a couple of classes so I can have s*x with girls not old enough to get into bars.

JOE: Peter! I heard you're in some trouble!

I'm stuck! I don't want to die here!

(CRYING): I just want to go to my desk and surf the Internet.

Hang on, Peter. I'll come up and save you.

Stairs.

Why'd it have to be stairs?

(GRUNTING)

I can't do it. Here, you're just gonna have to kill me.

Wait. Look, Joe.

A lever to turn the stairs into a slide.

(ALARM RINGING)

Damn it, Peter!

It's just a little water. What's it gonna hurt?

Oh, God!

Delete... history.

No.

No!

(ALARM RINGING)

Peter, you caused millions of dollars' worth of water damage, all because you couldn't make it up the stairs.

Aw, man. This means I'm the work fatty.

I haven't been this embarrassed since I forgot about the silent part in George Michael's "Faith."

♪ Well, I need someone to hold me ♪

♪ But I wait for something more ♪

I've started using these pills called Stiff for Hours from the gas station.

♪ 'Cause I got to have faith ♪

♪ Mmm, I got to have faith. ♪

♪ Dog walking into a room ♪

♪ There's food left on the table ♪

♪ And my owners aren't around. ♪

Just gonna do a little paws-on-the-table, side-of-the-mouth dog eating.

A Stable Affair by Lois Griffin.

Okay, another writer in the house.

Oh, my God, this is amazing!

This is basically a guide to what Lois is looking for in a lover.

Check this out.

Lois is writing a romance novel about a woman who is unhappy with her husband and begins to have a torrid affair with a caped lover who has horses.

Don't you know what this is?

It's a description of her every fantasy and desire.

This could finally be my key to...

To what, banging my mom?

You know, you are the worst.

Ladies.

Ugh! You guys, this is so embarrassing.

All this happened because I'm too fat to make it up some stairs.

Peter, you got to lose weight.

I know. You guys got to help me, though.

I can't do it on my own. I'm too weak.

All right, we'll help you, Peter, but we're doing it Quagsberry rules.

What's that?

A woman... or in this case, a man...

Has to do anything I say, no questions asked.

Anything, I promise.

PETER: My dearest Lois,

I've taken Quagmire's place

as a Union soldier in the Civil War.

Shortly after I arrived, they amputated my leg.

I dared them to, and it was a big mistake.

The other guy in my tent is a wet dead guy.

Yours, Peter.

All right, Peter, today we start helping you lose weight.

First, let me just make sure you're not hiding any food in your clothes.

(BEEPING)

WHISPERING MALE VOICE: Taste. Taste. Taste the rainbow.

Peter, are you hiding Skittles in your pants?

Is that all of 'em?

Just-just give me a second.

When I turned about, it started breaking up into two.

Weekend plans?

Please don't talk to me. I need to focus.

(HORSE WHINNIES)

♪ ♪

Good morrow!

What is thee, uh, up to?

Brian, is that your horse?

Wh-When did you get a horse?

Oh, I've been an Equus for a while.

The play with Harry Potter's pen1s?

Just my trusty steed here.

We have a special connection.

Me being an equestrianist and everything.

I-I had no idea you were into horses.

Sexy, huh?

No, seems like a hassle, and expensive.

How do you pay for it all?

Well, the costs are meager when you're able to dominate and control the beast with just... the slightest glance.

Stop it.

Ha, ha! What?!

This is nuts!

Anyway, I've been speaking to my horse in the silent language of knowing, and I... (GRUNTS)

Never walk behind a horse.

You would have to hate horses not to know that.

Being one with nature.

(GRUNTS)

A mutual bond of trust.

(GRUNTS)

Different species, same heart.

(COMICAL WHIRRING)

(CLICKING)

(À LA DAFFY DUCK): You're dethspicable.

Welcome to CrossFit, Peter.

How's it different from a regular gym?

Do regular gyms have open garage doors where members' large dogs can charge innocent civilians?

No, I... I guess not.

Okay, to start, why don't you go meet the owner,

Jayce, over there?

He'll help maximize your nutrition regimen.

- Hi, I'm Peter. - Hey, man. Jayce with a "Y."

Yeah, I figured.

(CHUCKLES) So, to start out, like, uh, tell me, what's your favorite kind of food?

- Pizza. - (CONDESCENDING CHUCKLE)

- Oh, man. - What?

(CHUCKLES) You, uh...

(CHUCKLES) y-you can't eat pizza.

- Why not? - (CHUCKLES)

It's, uh... it's...

(CHUCKLES): uh, it's... it's bad.

- Why? - (CHUCKLES)

Because, uh, it's, like, uh...

(CHUCKLES) pretty bad for you.

But what makes it bad?

(CHUCKLES): Oh.

Yeah, no, it's, like, uh... like, probably one of the worst things you can eat.

- How come? - (CHUCKLES)

Uh, uh, because, of, like, the ingredients in it.

- Which ones? - (CHUCKLES)

Uh, I mean, yeah, like, basically, all of them.

- Name one. - (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I... yeah, I mean...

(STAMMERS) you said... your-your words, uh... (CHUCKLES) pizza.

All right, I'm cutting this off right now.

It's clear you're an idiot and deserve no more of my time.

Oh, Peter, you're home from CrossFit.

Here, have some pizza.

(CHUCKLING): Oh.

Uh, you know what is in that?

It's, like... (CHUCKLES)

- It's very bad. - What?

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, wow.

Okay, Peter, a good and conspicuous workout is to do lunges on the sidewalk.

Just do like I do.

- Step. - Uh-huh.

- Step. Step. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

- Step. - Uh-huh.

- Step. Step. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

- Step. - Uh-huh.

- Step. Step. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Step.

- Step. - (MOUTH FULL): Uh-huh.

- Step. - Uh-huh.

- Step. Step. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

- Step. Step. - (STOMACH GRUMBLING)

Step.

Step. Step.

Okay, Peter, whatever you do, don't look down the hole.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Oh, God! I looked down the hole!

Oh! I got a sense of what's down there!

Okay, okay. All right, you can still save this.

Just don't smell.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Oh, God! I smelled everything!

Oh, it's so deep in my nose!

Okay, okay, whatever you do, do not dip your cupped hand in the water.

- (WATER SPLASHES) - Oh, God! I'm doing it!

Oh, God! What is wrong with me?!

The chemicals in the water are not breaking down the integrity of these movements!

Okay, Peter, you can quit pretending.

- The workout's over. - Thanks.

I was just in there checking my phone.

My phone!

(DIVING BOARD CREAKING)

(SPLASH)

Okay, Peter, whatever you do, do not open your eyes underwater.

What the hell?

I thought we were gonna get a ten-dollar scoop of ice cream with all the millennials who can afford ten-dollar scoops of ice cream but can't afford to move out of their parents' house.

We are. But first I need to pick up this wine that Lois mentioned in her story.

Where's that part about the wine?

"The doors magically opened."

- "Chill came over her." - (SHUDDERS)

"Through the vegetation."

"Light mist."

Uh, Brian, everything you read just happened to us.

I think her book is about the grocery store.

Oh... my... God.

What?

♪ ♪

It's the guy, Horatio, from Lois's book.

She's fantasizing about having an affair with this guy.

Or, who knows, maybe even is having an affair with him.

Excuse me, where are the crackers?

What? We don't work here.

We're a dog and a baby. I... do I...

Do my-do my clothes make it look like I work here?

I think it's the overalls, yeah.

Hey, get back to work.

I'll see you back at home, Brian.

I've got to finish my shift.

I don't get it.

You've gained pounds.

Looks like we're gonna have to take more drastic measures.

Peter, say you're not gonna have s*x with me.

- What? - Just say it.

I'm not gonna have s*x with you.

(RUMBLING)

(SHOUTS)

Guys, let me out of here!

No! You said you would do whatever's necessary to help you lose weight.

Please, let me out!

Glenn, is it okay if I stay the night?

Oh!

Rancor, what are you doing here?

I'm trying to diet, too.

Eating too many pig guys?

I thought it was the pig guys, but, you know what, it was the bread.

PETER: I'm so hungry!

Let me out!

I'll tell you what... First guy that lets me out gets his own spin-off.

Not you, Cleveland.

Sorry, Peter, this is for your own good!

Yeah, you told us you would do anything to lose weight!

I lied! I just want to be free, like a recently divorced man with no kids!

(GUNSHOTS, TIRES SCREECHING ON TV)

This is nice.

This is better.

Stewie, I can't believe it.

I mean, do-do you think Lois could be having an affair with this Horatio guy?

LOIS: Brian, will you watch Stewie?

I have to go get groceries and won't be back until later tonight.

Uh, yeah, sure.

Oh, my God, Stewie, she's going to the store and won't be back until tonight?

Do you know what that means?

Disguises?

No, but we should follow her and see what the hell is going on.

WOMAN: Stewie-Chan!

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

I'll meet you there, Brian.

I've got to finish my shift.

All right, Peter, now, I know you haven't eaten in a while, so this is something called the Pocket Diet.

Okay, guys, empty your pockets.

Whatever you got in there, he eats.

Uh, Glenn, can we go somewhere and just talk for a minute?

Aah!

Guys, stop saying things, all right?

I will say the things.

Oh, my God.

He's getting in the car.

He's going in for a hug.

They're hugging! This is insane!

I know. This guy.

This guy is a star.

I can't believe it, Stewie. She picked him up.

They hugged.

Lois is having an affair.

We've got to stop them.

- (TIRES SCREECH) - Aw, great.

Just great.

♪ ♪

(TIRES SCREECH)

Lois, don't do it!

Brian?

What the hell are you doing here?

Don't do what?

Don't have s*x with Horatio!

It's not worth it!

What are you talking about?

Look, I found your book and read it.

I thought that you wrote everything you were looking for in a lover, and, if I could embody some of those things, maybe I would have a shot with you.

But then I found out Horatio is real, and-and I couldn't bear to see you do something like this to the family.

It's not you, Lois.

Wait, let me get this straight.

You, without asking, read something I wrote?

Then, thinking I was revealing all my most intimate wants and desires, you thought that you could exploit what you read to seduce me?

But when you thought I might be cheating with someone other than yourself, you found that, and only that, morally objectionable?

And you bring Stewie here, who doesn't understand any of this?!

I predict, in the finale, everyone can understand me.

That'd make a good finale, right?

Brian, this is Horatio.

He's special.

I know you think he's special.

No, he's special.

He's learning disabled.

I like Coldplay.

- Ooh... - Oh...

I'm not having an affair with him, Brian.

I volunteered at the special needs living facility, and Horatio happened to like horses.

So, once a week, I take him to the stables.

And the cape is from a Darth Vader costume he had as a kid.

Did you know he's the boss of the stormtroopers?

Yes, I have fantasies about him dominating me with his idiot strength.

But it's just that...

A fantasy.

That's why I wrote it in a story, because I knew that I would never act on it.

Ugh. I never thought a dog could be such a genuine piece of human garbage.

Lois, I'm truly sorry for what I thought.

It all just made sense to me at the time.

But now that I see what it is, I'm ashamed of myself.

I hope you can find it in your heart...

- Hey, Bri. - (NEIGHS)

There's a good girl.

Joe and Cleveland, are you ready to see your new Peter?

What do you guys think?

I don't believe it.

I'm speechless.

(CRYING)

Hey, look, it's Jonah Hill sometimes!

Wow!

Looking good, Peter.

Yes. I might want me a little taste of that.

(CHUCKLES): Oh, well, Sheila, look out.

Be careful what you ask for, 'cause you never know...

I might... Are-are you serious?

'Cause I will do this, %.

My wife's in, too. I'll call her.

We'll do a whole thing.

Hey, Lois, I got a two-top.

Okay.

She's out, but I'm still in.

Boy, I got to admit,

I feel a little sheepish to get so fooled by a silly little book that Lois wrote.

Yes, but, you know, I think what we missed in all of this is that Lois wrote a beginning, middle, and end to something.

What have you written lately, Brian?

Well, nothing, but, you know, I think-I think any writer knows how hard it is to be staring at that blank page.

(CHUCKLES) Sounds like you did write something: your career's obituary.

(LAUGHS)

Well, that's our dog and baby.

Hi, this is Chris Griffin.

Boy, Lois had some amorous adventures this week.

But you know what really turns me on?

Reading.

Why don't you get yourself down to the library and open up a book.

Here's a few of my favorite books.

J.D. Salinger's Catcher in the Rye.

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini.

And, of course, The Dirt by Motley Crue.

Seriously, read The Dirt.

They snort a row of live ants like cocaine.

Remember, kids, a library card is free, but knowledge is priceless.

Get that Dirt book.