Aunt Nauseam

(opening theme song)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria and Quinn are sitting at the kitchen table, at their usual places, while Jake is at the island/stove in the kitchen, cooking. Daria is reading a newspaper, but she glances up at various times during the conversation.)

Quinn - So, then Sandi said to Mr. O'Neill, (imitating Sandi) "Well, if you want to get technical, all writing is plagiarism because you're using words that already exist," (normal) and he gave her an 'F' anyway.

Daria - (looking down at her newspaper) Maybe she shouldn't have titled her story Sandi Griffin's Dracula.

Jake - (as he moves to the table, carrying a large serving plate of food, which he sets on the table) No hardtack tonight, lads. We're going top-rail number one!

Daria - Gee, is it family babble time already?

Jake - That's Civil War talk, Daria.

Quinn - (looking down at plate) What is that?

Jake - It's from my new Civil War cookbook.

Daria - Civil War cookbook. So you're serving us amputated leg?

Quinn - Eew!

Jake - No, it's corned pork and cabbage.

Quinn - EEW!

(Helen walks in from the living/family/TV room.)

Helen - Good news, everyone.

Daria - If it's about us lads goin' top-rail number one, that's yesterday's broadsheet.

Helen - We've finally settled the ATC Motors case after eight grueling months, and at last I'm going to get some time off to spend with my family.

Daria - Dad, who's that woman in the business suit?

Helen - I mean it this time. Eric's, um, exhausted, and he's taking twenty-eight days to, uh, recuperate. All that espresso he was drinking really wore him down.

Jake - Espresso?

Daria - To say nothing of those prescription amphetamine donuts.

Helen - Daria!

Quinn - So, he's in detox again?

Helen - Quinn!

Jake - Oh, right! Espresso...

(Cordless phone rings. Helen walks over the answer it.)

Helen - (to phone) Hellllooo? (beat) Oh, hello, Rita.

Daria - Uh oh, call the sibling rivalry S.W.A.T. team.

Helen - (to phone) What? Erin and Brian are getting divorced?

Quinn - Uh! You mean I spend the whole day in that disgusting bridesmaid's dress for nothing?

Daria - No, you had to pay for it. Remember?

Helen - (to phone) Well, of course I'd love to handle it, but it's not really my area of expertise, and--

(As Helen says this, Jake waves his hands at Helen to signal his desire for Helen to not get involved in the divorce.)

Helen - (to phone) Rita, there's no such thing as a simple divorce. (beep from phone) Hang on, that's my call-waiting. (presses button on phone) Hello? Oh, mom. Hi... (beat) Well, I was just now talking to Rita about that. See, I just came off this back-breaking case...

Jake - (whispers) You tell her!

(Helen begins to tear pieces from a paper napkin.)

Helen - (to phone) Yes, I know this isn't easy for either of them, but an attorney who specializes in divorce could-(beat) Well, I wouldn't say I'm the best lawyer in my firm. Eric's- (beat) Really? Well, of course I want Rita in the most capable hands possible. Don't worry about a thing. Bye.

(Helen presses a button on the phone.)

Helen - (to phone) Rita? I'm in.

Jake - (exasperated) Oh God, Helen, no! The way you and your sister fight, a man can only take so much.

Helen (to phone) No, that was Jake. He says "hi."

(Jake begins crying into his hands.)

(at Lawndale High)

(Quinn and Sandi walk down the hallway, lockers visible behind them.)

Sandi - Well, if I can't say Sandi Griffin's Dracula, why does Brad Stoker get to say Brad Stoker's Dracula?

Quinn - Um, I think that's Bram Stoker.

(Sandi and Quinn stop walking.)

Sandi - I don't.

Quinn - Perhaps not. But anyway, he gets to say it because he made the story up.

Sandi - Huh. Quinn, Dracula is an internationally known, celebrity vampire. (mocking) "He made the story up."

(Stacy walks into the frame.)

Stacy - Guys, how do you like my new dress? You don't think the blue is too risqué‚ do you?

Quinn - Not at all, and it goes perfectly with your cell phone.

Stacy - Really? You're not just saying that?

Sandi - Quinn's right. For once, you have chosen a dress that's not a complete embarrassment to the rest of us.

Stacy - Oh, thank you, Sandi!

Sandi - Come on, let's get to the cafeteria before they run out of shredded lettuce.

(The trio begin walking again. They move a few feet, then stop in surprise.)

Stacy - Uh!

(Seen changes to show Tiffany walking toward the trio. She is wearing the same dress as Stacy.)

Sandi - Oh, no! Tiffany is wearing your dress. Now what are you going to do?

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria and Jake are watching Sick, Sad World on the television. View is from behind them and to the right.)

Television - In this canine go-go bar, the specialty of the house is Hot Dog! Lap dancing lap dogs next, on Sick, Sad World.

(View changes to front of Daria and Jake. Daria is eating something, a plate of which is on the coffee table.)

Jake - What do you think, Daria? Stonewall Jackson fed his men these Johnny cakes the night before the battle of Chancellorsville.

Daria - Well, that explains why they shot him there.

(Helen walks into scene from kitchen. She is speaking on the cordless phone.)

Helen - (to phone) Alright, Rita, I've gathered the necessary paperwork, and we can go over it when you and Erin get here Saturday.

(Scene changes to a split screen, with Helen on the left and Rita on the right.)

Rita - (to phone) Actually, it will just be Erin. I'd come, but I promised Ralph- you know, the actor I've been dating- I promised to take him to New York for his birthday, maybe catch a play or two.

Helen - (to phone) Uh-huh.

Rite - (to phone) But I'll call you when I get back. Good luck.

(Split screen returns to the Morgendorffer residence. Helen presses a button on the phone to end the call.)

Helen - Well, that's just perfect. Rita's not even coming.

Jake - Hey, that's great!

Helen - No, it's not! She's spending the money I'm saving her on a trip for her boyfriend to New York!

(The doorbell rings in the middle of Helen's rant. Daria gets up to answer it.)

Jake - (to Helen, whimpering) Johnny cake?

(Scene changes to show Daria. She opens the front door to show Tom Sloane.)

Daria - Hey.

Tom - You know, I can't get through on the phone at all anymore. Isn't your sister afraid her ear will grow over the receiver?

Daria - Actually, my mother's the one burning up the lines. My idiot cousin is suing her husband for a divorce, and mom got roped into handling it.

Tom - Ouch. Want to drive around the block and give me the gory details?

Daria - No, I've already put a bitching session with Jane on my calendar for tomorrow.

Tom - Okay, so, just want to drive around the block with no discernable goal?

Daria - It's probably not a good time for that. Thanks though.

Tom - No thanks nece- (Daria closes the door on Tom) -ssary.

(at Lawndale High)

(Daria and Jane are walking down the hall, lockers visible behind them.)

Daria - So my mother gets caught up in this crap with her family, and then our family has to suffer for it.

Jane - And you're not even looking forward to having a ringside seat at your cousin's gut wrenching breakup?

Daria - I know. It's like I've forgotten how to have fun.

(Daria and Jane pass the Fashion Club, who are standing before a bank of lockers. The camera remains on the Fashion Club as Daria and Jane walk off the screen.)

Sandi - Alright. Stacy? Tiffany? You may each deliver your prepared statement about why you should have the dress.

Quinn - A debate was such a great idea, Sandi.

Sandi - Followed by a rebuttal.

Tiffany - Eew. That word.

Sandi - Stacy?

Stacy - (reading from a cue card) Well, I think I should have the dress because Tiffany looks good in anything, whereas I don't, due to a slight asymmetry in my shoulders that is very painful for me even to mention, but which this particular dress minimizes while setting off my eyes.

Sandi - Very good, Stacy. And now, Tiffany.

Tiffany - (reading from a cue card) Well, I think I should have the dress.

(long pause)

Sandi - Um, Tiffany, is there anything you want to add?

(shorter pause)

Tiffany - (looks down at cue card again) Yes. Thank you, (looks up) and God bless.

Sandi - (to Quinn) Perhaps a debate is not the way to go here.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria and Quinn are seated on the love seat and sofa, respectively. Daria is reading a book while Quinn reads a magazine.)

Quinn - Hmm, should I give Erin an "after you dump him" make-over, or a "newly single and sizzling" make-over?

Daria - That depends. Which one involves boiling oil?

(Helen walks into the scene from the direction of the kitchen. She is carrying a bowl that she sets on the coffee table.)

Helen - Now, while Erin's here, I want you both to make her feel right at home. She's family and she needs our love and understanding. I could kill that sister of mine!

(Jake walks into the scene from the direction of the kitchen. He is carrying a glass pitcher in which is a clear fluid.)

Jake - Bring on the guest! One fresh pitcher of Martinis ready to pour.

Helen - Jake, Erin doesn't drink Martinis.

Jake - I know that. They're for me, just in case Rita calls.

(Doorbell rings)

Helen - That must be Erin.

(Helen walks to the front door, then opens it to reveal Rita.)

Helen - Rita!

(Jake begins chugging the Martini mix straight from the pitcher.)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Helen, Jake and Rita walk into living room from the front door. Daria and Quinn continue to sit in their original positions, but both look at their parents as they cross the room.)

Helen - Rita, why aren't you in New York?

Rita - Ralph broke up with me. Oh, if only mom had sent me to Stadt along with Erin.

Helen - Erin's in Stadt? Switzerland?

Rita - Mom thought she could use a week at a spa, to calm her nerves. Wasn't that thoughtful?

Helen - That's mom: always thinking of her grandchildren. (under her breath) One of them, anyway. (to Rita) Um, Rita, you know it would be really helpful if Erin were here. It is her divorce, after all.

Rita - We call always call her if we have to. (beat) Um, Helen? I kind of arranged to have my house painted while I thought I'd be in New York. I hope you don't mind if I stay here with you this week?

Jake - Dear lord! (at Helen's glare) What a great idea!

(in the kitchen, Quinn is speaking on the cordless phone.)

Quinn - Oh, hi, Erin. Sorry about Brian. I hate having to break up with guys I'm dating. (beat) No, you're right, marriage isn't the same as dating; nobody ever gives you really nice appliances just for going out with a guy. (beat) Erin, why are you crying?

(Jake and Helen are seated on the sofa while Rita and Daria are seated on the love seat. Helen is rummaging through her briefcase, which is open on the coffee table.)

Helen - First of all, Brian and Erin need to list all their assets.

Rita - That should be a breeze for him. You know the government fired him the day they got back from their honeymoon? They've been living off her salary while that clown tries to pass his real estate exam.

Helen - Well good. Then he has no real claim on her property.

(Quinn walks into the scene from the direction of the kitchen, cordless phone to her ear.)

Quinn - Aunt Rita? Um, Erin want you to know that she and Brian kind of signed a prenuptial agreement that she kind of never told you about that kind of split everything fifty-fifty. (beat) She's gotta' go. Bye.

Rita - What?! Let me talk to her. (takes phone from Quinn, but hears only the dial tone) Damn!

Jake - Say, um, Daria, could you, um, help me in the, um, kitchen, with the, uh...

Daria - Johnny cakes?

Jake - Yeah, the Johnny cakes!

Daria - Smooth, Mr. Bond. Lead the way.

(Daria and Jake exit to the kitchen. Camera remains on Helen, Rita and Quinn.)

Rita - That little weasel made her sign a prenup. He knew she was gonna' be the bread winner. We've gotta' fight this, Helen, all the way to the Supreme Court if we have to.

Helen - Rita, the Supreme Court doesn't handle divorces. They're swamped with shoplifting cases. Now, there's a junior associate in my office with a ton of experience in matrimonial law. I'll be happy to-

Rita - You'd put Erin's life in the hands of a junior associate?

Helen - Rita. You said this was a simple divorce, and it's not. I'm really not qualified to handle something this complicated!

Rita - Oh, I see. You're willing to help provided it doesn't take more than ten minutes of your time. Well I'm sure mom and I can figure out some way to hire a lawyer who can.

Helen - Alright! I'll do it.

(Quinn walks from the living room to the kitchen. Camera changes view to the kitchen. Daria and Jake are already present.)

Jake - I can't take it, Daria! The fighting, the yelling, and then always the crying.

Daria - Yours, you mean.

Jake - I've gotta' get out, at least until the dust settles.

Daria - Or the bodies stop twitching.

Jake - Now we're gonna' need a signal. Okay, when I call, if Rita is still here say, uh, "the eagle has landed," and if they're fighting say, "the crow flies at midnight," but if she'd gone then, "the pigeons are at rest." Got that?

Daria - Is there anyway to work in "hark, I hear the cannon's roar?"

Jake - Good luck! (Jake walks out of the scene) Hi, Quinn. Bye now.

Quinn - (to Daria) Dad's leaving?

Daria - Only until mom and Aunt Rita stop being sisters.

Quinn - Hmm, maybe after my Fashion Club meeting we should just stay around the house until Aunt Rita leaves. You know, to be like peacekeepers? I'll cancel my dates. You don't have any plans tonight, right?

Daria - Well, I was gonna' go downtown and count the cracks in the sidewalk.

Quinn - Oh, Daria, surely that can wait? Can I make you a carrot juice?

(Daria scowls at Quinn.)

(at Cashman's Department Store)

(The Fashion Club is walking past various departments in the store: watches, lingerie, and dressing rooms.)

Stacy - But, Sandi, what if I agreed to wear my dress only on odd numbered days, and Tiffany agreed to wear hers only on even numbered ones?

Tiffany - Stacy, days have names, not numbers.

Quinn - Alternating sounds like a good idea.

Sandi - Oh, sure! Until our enemies spread the rumor that Stacy and Tiffany are trading off a single garment, the only possible scenario more horrifying than owning two of the same dress.

Stacy - Oh, God! Oh, GOD!

(The Fashion Club entered Junior 5 and approach one of the counters.)

Sandi - I'm sorry, Terresa, but we must return these dresses. Here are the receipts.

Terresa - Oh no. Um, guys, you bought these dresses over two weeks ago. It's too late to return them.

Sandi - Surely those silly rules don't apply to your most valued customers.

Terresa - I'm really sorry. I can give you some free shopping bags if you want.

Tiffany - (to Stacy) I can't believe you bought my dress.

Stacy - Excuse me, you bought my dress.

Quinn - Guys! Guys! Stop the madness. Is a dress really worth destroying the sacred bond between Fashion Club member and Fashion Club member? Stop your fighting before it's too late!

Sandi - Quinn, are you all right?

(at the movie theater)

(Jake is watching a cheesy sci-fi movie in an indoor theatre. Children are scattered about the theatre, but no other adults are present. The heroes of the film, a man and a woman in space suits, are attacking a huge, bug-like alien on a distant world. They kill the alien, then embrace each other for a kiss. The children yell "eew!" and throw things at the screen.)

Jake - Knock it off, you little brats!

(The children begin jeering and throwing things at Jake. Jake ducks them, then exits the theatre to the lobby. He takes out his cell phone and dials a number.)

Jake - Who is this? Rita? (high pitched voice) Must have the wrong number!

(Jake switches off the cell phone.)

Jake - Damn it!

(Jake sighs in resignation, turns, then re-enters the theatre. For those who care, the movie marquee over the doors says "Star Planet Warriors".)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Helen and Rita are sitting at the kitchen table. Helen is in her usual place, while Rita is sitting in Quinn's seat. Helen has a stack of papers in front of her and a sheaf of papers in hand.)

Helen - Now, prenup or no prenup, with a little creative accounting, I think we can get Brian to take a fairly modest lump sum.

Rita - God, I hope so. He's certainly old enough to be earning his own money.

Helen - (to herself) Tell me about it.

Rita - What's that supposed to mean?

(Phone rings off screen. Camera view changes to the living room, with Quinn sitting on the sofa. The phone is next to her. She answers the phone.)

Quinn - Oh, hi, Erin. (beat) Uh-huh (beat) WHAT?! That's great! Bye!

(Daria walks into the scene from the direction of the front door.)

Quinn - Guess what? The divorce is off.

Daria - But we were having so much fun.

Quinn - Come on. Let's tell mom and Aunt Rita.

(The camera view changes back to the kitchen. Helen and Rita are still sitting at the table.)

Helen - (to Rita) Just admit that employment has never been one of your strong suits.

(Quinn and Daria walk into the scene from the direction of the living room.)

Quinn - Mom! Aunt Rita!

Rita - (to Helen) Excuse me, but I have more important things to do, like raise Erin.

Helen - (to Rita) Erin's twenty-four, Rita.

Quinn - Listen! Brian flew to Switzerland to make up, and they're having a second honeymoon.

Helen - On mother's credit card, no doubt. You know, Jake and I barely had a first honeymoon, because we had to pay for our own wedding.

Rita - And that's supposed to be my fault?

Helen - Well, if you hadn't gone over-budget on your wedding, six months before. Your first wedding...

(The doorbell rings. Daria walks out of the kitchen to answer it. Camera switches to the front door, as seen from the living room. Daria opens the door. Tom is there.)

Tom - Hey, how's it going?

Helen - (off screen) Four thousand dollars for a lighted dance floor!

Rita - (off screen) Helen, disco was king!

Daria - Oh, just fine.

Helen - (off screen) Mom broke every rule of parenting, the way she favored you!

Rita - (off screen) It's just like you to declare the rules for everyone else!

(Quinn runs into the living room from the kitchen, then up the stairs.)

Quinn - (as she runs) Oh, when will it stop? When?! WHEN?!

Daria - Care to step away from the crossfire?

(Camera view changes to outside the house, looking at the front door. Daria exits the house, closing the door behind her.)

Tom - What the hell is going on in there?

Daria - Look, it's bad enough I have to listen to it all day. I don't want to have to talk about it, too.

Tom - Um, sorry. (beat) So...

(Long pause)

Daria - I better go. Mom might need an eyewitness. Or someone to hand her the murder weapon.

Tom - Daria...?

Daria - (annoyed) WHAT?!

Tom - (contrite) Nothing.

(Daria re-enters the house. Camera view changes to inside living room. Daria walks from the front door to the sofa where the cordless phone is ringing. Daria answers the phone.)

Daria - Hello?

(Camera changes to the inside of a billiard hall. Jake is talking on his cellular phone.)

Jake - Daria? Thank God it's you! So, um, has the eagle landed? Or is it the crow?

(Camera changes to Morgendorffer living room. As Daria begins to answer Jake, Helen walks into the scene from the direction of the kitchen.)

Daria - Aunt Rita's still here, and-

Helen - (angrily) Daria, is that your father?

Jake - (voice from phone) No, no, no, no!

Daria - A large pizza with extra cheese. Got it. Thanks for calling Pizza Prince.

(Camera view changes to the billiard hall. As Jake hangs up the cell phone, a guy with one arm, holding a pool cue, walks up to Jake.)

Guy - (to Jake) You're up.

Jake - (sighs, moans) Awww...

(Camera view changes to living room.)

Helen - Where is your father anyway?

Daria - Johnny Cake Fest 3000.

Helen - Great! Now Jake's run off.

(Rita walks into the scene from the direction of the kitchen. Camera shift to the left to accommodate Rita. Daria can be seen walking up the stairs in the background.)

Rita - (bitterly) Did you ever think he might stick around more if you weren't so preoccupied with work?

Helen - (very angry) Excuse me? The only work I've been doing around here is for you, damn it!

(Camera view changes to Daria's bedroom. Daria still has the cordless phone. She dials a number. Camera view changes again to Aunt Amy's living room. Amy is sitting on a sofa, reading a book, when the phone rings. She answers it.)

Amy - Hello?

(Camera view changes to Daria's bedroom.)

Daria - Hi, Aunt Amy.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(In the guest bedroom; Rita is packing clothes into a suitcase on the bed. Helen walks into the room from the hall.)

Helen - (calm) Rita, we need to talk.

Rita - (bitter) Relax. I'm going home to the paint fumes. And don't worry. Erin and I will never bother you again.

Helen - Look, I think we both said things we shouldn't have, but for once, let's not go away angry. Okay?

Rita - I don't know, Helen.

Helen - I've got an idea. Let's bury the hatchet and, um, bake some cookies. What do you say?

Rita - (calm) Cookies? From scratch?

Helen - More or less.

(In the kitchen; Helen pulls two packages of ready-to-bake cookie dough from the refrigerator.)

Helen - Chocolate chip or peanut butter?

Rita - The chips are already in it, right?

Helen - Of course! I think...

(Camera view is of the front door. The door bell rings. Quinn answers the door to reveal Aunt Amy.)

Quinn - Aunt Amy?

Amy - Daria called for reinforcements. Have your mother and Rita killed each other yet?

Quinn - Actually, they're in the kitchen making cookies.

Amy - No, really?

(Camera view changes to track Quinn and Amy as they walk to the kitchen.)

Helen - (off screen, angry) You're cutting those slices too thick.

Rita - (off screen, angry) The package says half an inch. That is half and inch.

Helen - (off screen) Okay. I just hope you like your cookies undercooked.

(Camera finally shows Helen and Rita in the kitchen. Quinn and Amy stop before entering the kitchen. Neither Helen nor Rita sees Quinn and Amy.)

Rita - Here. You cut it. I'm sure you can do a much better job that little ol' useless me.

Helen - Oh, please. You weren't even trying. You know, if you ever put your mind to anything...

Quinn - (to Amy) Why can't they just get along?

Amy - (to Quinn) Environmental factors: they were both exposed to each other as children.

(In Daria's bedroom; Daria is sitting on her bed and reading a book. There's a knock on her door.)

Daria - Come in.

(Amy and Quinn walk into the scene.)

Amy - The cavalry has arrived.

Quinn - Oh, speaking of soldier junk, Daria, Gone with the Wind is on tonight. We should watch it. It has that Civil War that you and dad are always talking about, plus this really big fire.

Daria - Frankly, Quinn, I don't give a crap.

Quinn - You don't have to decide right now. Oh, and did I tell you your hair doesn't look that bad today? Bye.

(Quinn leaves the room.)

Daria - I know she wants something.

Amy - So, update?

Daria - Okay. Mom and Aunt Rita are on the brink of mutually assured destruction, Quinn's obviously having a nervous breakdown, and dad's on the lamb.

Amy - Gee. Reminds me of my childhood. You holding up okay?

Daria - Well, much as I couldn't care less about Erin, I can't say my twenty-four year old cousin's near divorce has left me exactly optimistic about life's possibilities.

Amy - So, things are not going well with that guy you've been seeing?

Daria - Huh? That's going fine, except he won't stop dropping by during this multigenerational family crisis. He refuses to accept the fact that I don't have time for him now.

Amy - Hmm... Maybe he's trying to offer his time to you.

Daria - Huh, maybe.

Amy - Come on. Let's see how goes the battle.

(The camera is positioned in the living room, looking into the kitchen. Helen and Rita are standing at the entrance to the kitchen.)

Rita - Even if I did have a job, I'm sure it couldn't possibly meet with your approval.

Helen - I guess we'll never find that out, will we?

(Amy and Daria walk into the scene from the direction of the stairs.)

Amy - Ah, another Kodak moment with the Barksdales.

Helen - Amy! What are you doing here?

Amy - Oh, I thought I'd drive a few hours, drop by, and see if you guys were having the same fight you've been having for forty years.

Rita - How would you know? You spent the whole time barricaded in your room, reading those weird Russian novels.

Amy - (heated) It was better than getting caught in the non-stop crossfire.

Helen - Oh, please. You just used us as an excuse to avoid any family responsibility what-so-ever, so you could do whatever the hell you pleased.

Amy - At least I didn't nurse a childhood grudge well into adulthood because Rita was mom's favorite.

Helen - I did not!

Rita - I was not!

Helen - (to Rita) You are too.

Amy - (to Rita) She's right.

Helen - (to Amy) I don't need your help.

Rita - Maybe mom would get along better with both of you if you ever bothered to pick up the phone and call.

(Quinn walks into the scene from the direction of the stairs.)

Quinn - Um, mom?

Amy - Why should we when she's never offered us the slightest bit of encouragement or appreciation?

Helen - That's right!

Amy - (to Helen) I don't need your help.

Rita - Encouragement? You, with your grades, and your extra credit, and your awards? You didn't make us look lazy enough, you wanted encouragement to do more?

(Amy laughs.)

Helen - (to Amy) What are you laughing at?

Amy - (to Helen) She's got a point.

Rita - (to Helen) She can laugh if she wants to.

Helen - Oh, so you think that...

(Conversation between the three women breaks down into them trying to talk over each other.)

Daria - HEY!

(Conversation stops. All three Barksdale sisters look over and Daria and Quinn.)

Daria - Gee, Rita, are you ever gonna' get a job? Why should I, Helen, when you won't pay attention to mother? And you, Amy, who asked you?

Quinn - Yeah! You had a dance floor at your wedding!

Daria - You're a show-off and a know-it-all.

Quinn - You just hide in your room like a kermit!

Daria - Mom likes you better!

Quinn - That's because I call her better!

Helen - Oh, Rita...

Rita - Helen...

Helen - I'm sorry.

Rita - Me too. Oh...

(Helen and Rita hug and laugh. Or cry. I'm not sure which. They separate.)

Helen - Why are you here, Amy?

Amy - Daria asked me to come mediate. Although, perhaps that's something she's better at than I am.

Helen - Oh, Amy...

Rita - Come here...

(Helen and Rita gesture for Amy for a three-way hug.)

Amy - (to Daria) I blame you for this.

(Amy hugs her sisters.)

Quinn - (to Daria) Did you decide about Gone with the Wind?

(at the pizza place)

(Daria and Tom are sitting in a booth, eating a pizza.)

Daria - So, then, after Aunt Amy arrived to save the day and within three minutes had totally regressed into the same pre-school encounter group as her sisters, Quinn and I had to take matters into our own hands.

Tom - Wow. Growing up in a repressed household is so boring next to this stuff. We always have to pretend problems don't exist. Gets pretty inconvenient when there are odors involved.

Daria - Yes. And speaking of pretending problems don't exist, sorry for giving you the short end of the stick this week.

Tom - Hey, you were busy refereeing. I understand.

Daria - Actually, I think my cousin's little marital crisis made me feel weird about the boyfriend-girlfriend thing. Does that freak you out and scare you?

Tom - No, I guess I could see that.

Daria - Thanks.

Tom - Anyway, what about a movie tonight?

Daria - I can't. I promised Quinn I'd watch Gone with the Wind with her.

(Tom laughs, then trails off when Daria doesn't laugh with him. He realizes she isn't joking.)

Tom - Okay, that freaks me out and scares me.

Daria - Pray for me.

(Camera view changes to another booth in the Pizza Prince where the Fashion Club are seated. Stacy and Tiffany are on one side, while Sandi and Quinn are on the other. Stacy and Tiffany are still wearing the same dress.)

Sandi - As President of the Fashion Club, I am putting both of you on suspension for failing to do a wardrobe check before leaving home, and thus appearing in the same dress on the same day.

Stacy - But, Sandi, you can't suspend me. It's not fair!

(At the end of her sentence, Stacy swings her left arm out for emphasis, which knocks over a soda, spilling onto Tiffany's dress. Stacy inhales sharply in shock that she spilled soda on Tiffany.)

Tiffany - My dress. It's ruined.

Stacy - Oh, Tiffany, I am so sorry. It was an accident.

Sandi - (sarcastic) Sure it was, Stacy. She'll never get that grape soda out. This calls for severe disciplinary action.

Stacy - But I didn't mean to. I swear! (to Tiffany) I'll give you my dress to prove it.

Tiffany - You'd do that? For me?

Stacy - Of course. You're my friend.

Tiffany - Oh, Stacy...

(Stacy and Tiffany hug. When they separate, we see the soda on Tiffany's dress has stained Stacy's dress where they touched.)

Tiffany - Oh, that wasn't a good idea.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Gone with the Wind just finished playing on the television. Daria and Quinn are seated on the sofa. Quinn is crying.)

Quinn - That movie was so sad.

Daria - I know it made me feel like crying. Um, Quinn? There's something bothering you, other than the saga of our fair nation being torn apart, isn't there?

Quinn - (pensive, glancing at Daria but not facing her) No.

Daria - I only ask because I finally realized all that stuff going on here this week was making me act strangely toward Tom. So maybe you were having a similar, unanticipated reaction? Such as, oh, wanting to spend time with me?

(The cordless phone, which is sitting by Daria on the sofa, rings. Daria answers it.)

Daria - Hello? (beat) Oh, hi, dad. The pigeons are at rest.

(Daria end the call.)

Quinn - (faces Daria) Daria? You don't think we'll end up having the same fight over and over again, for the rest of our lives, the way mom and Aunt Rita do, do you?

Daria - No. We'll use weapons.

Quinn - Don't say that!

Daria - I'll make you a deal. The only weapon I'll use against you will be my winning personality, and the only weapon you'll use against me will be your merciless silent treatment.

Quinn - Silent treatment? I never- ha. Deal.

(In the garage, Jake is seated on the sleeping bag, a pillow behind him, with boxes and other junk scattered around the room. A lamp is on next to him.)

Jake - (to himself) "The pigeons are at rest." That means it's safe, doesn't it? No, "the eagle has landed" means it's safe. Or was that a condor? Damn it, I can't sleep in here again tonight!

(closing credits)