Down in the Dumps

1 You're really smart, Ernie, and so funny. I never thought I'd have this much fun working on a physics project. Ooh, Ernie's on fire. If you liked working with me, next time, you should partner up with Danny Haifetz. He's really smart and funny. And he's been extinguished. So if you wanna talk about the project, or you just wanna talk, about anything, any time, call me. That's okay. I'll just see you at school. Boy, what is wrong with you? I have flat feet, astigmatism, and I lack definition in my calves. And in your brain. You cannot see that Akina was flirting with you? I wish my cell signal was that strong. KC, I know you're an expert on dating because you've had one boyfriend, for five minutes, but a girl that cute would never be interested in me. Because you have no self-confidence, bro. Ugh. That boy's got a real problem. You right. You won't find his calves in a dictionary, because they've got no definition. I'm talking about his lack of self-esteem. I don't know where he gets that from. Please. That boy is a lost cause. And mystery solved. I need to do something to build him up. You don't have time. You got the Monroe mission, and you're running point. Wait, Dad, here's an idea. What if I let Ernie think that he's in charge of the Monroe mission? Then that'll help his confidence. So you actually wanna let Ernie think he's in charge to make him feel better about himself? Well, yeah. It works when Mom does it to you. Hey! Yeah, it does. (Laughs) Oh, when danger comes for you You know I'll stand beside you 'Cause ain't nobody keep things hustle cool I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire Don't tell nobody, tell nobody I'm not perfect So many things I wanna tell you But I, I, I, I keep it undercover Livin' my life, no way to learn Doin' my thing, gonna make it work Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless But I always got your back Nobody can do it like I can I gotta find out who I am Ain't got to worry about me It's all part of the plan I keep it undercover. I keep it undercover. Bro, I know you're gonna do absolutely great leading this mission. It should be pretty easy though. All we gotta do is break into Nelson Monroe's condo, get the SD card containing all the crucial information, and then get out. That is the standard procedure. But where's the pizzazz? The creativity? The wow factor? Ernie, is that a Handmade scale model of Monroe's condo, built entirely with Popsicle sticks? Yes. Yes, it is. Now, while I'm here, you'll be across the street on the roof of the next building. When I give the signal, you'll get into the waiting helicopter and then parachute over to this building here. See, I love love, love, love, the direction you're going with this. I really do. But maybe I could just offer a little itty-bitty bit of feedback. Maybe we should keep the mission simple, and on budget, and in reality. KC, KC, KC. Small-minded, can't-think-out-of-the-box KC. No wonder the Organization wanted me to lead this mission. You're past your prime. Outdated. Off fleek. Clearly, they want some fresh blood. Yeah, you're right. They want some fresh blood. And if you don't chill, they're gonna get some. And that's the great tour. You got everything? That's the section where people drop off donations, that's where we categorize and sort things, and over here is the section where we prepare food parcels for pick-up or delivery. Perfect. Which section would you like to work in? Inventory. I hate to brag, but I probably have one of the best organized closets in town. I could arrange the food by color, season, or style. You're cool, Marisa. I'm really glad you decided to volunteer. You're a lot of fun. Really? If you weren't my boss, I'd think you were about to ask me out. We're volunteers; I'm not your boss. In that case, I'm free any time. - I'm thinking tomorrow. - I'm thinking I'm there. Cool. Well, my shift's up. I better go. I'm just gonna grab one of these. Is that allowed? I'm not usually a huge stickler on rules. In fact, I wasn't allowed at school today because I broke about five of them, but isn't that for the ( whispers) less fortunate? Yeah, it is. I'm not just a volunteer. I'm also one of the ( whispers) less fortunate. You are? You are. Congrats. I mean, that's cool. (Stammering) Not cool. I meant to say It's okay, Marisa. My family's had a tough time this year, but we're digging our way out, and the food bank's really helped. That's why I volunteer. I wanna give back. Good to know. Not that it matters. Why would it? Who cares? Doesn't matter to me. I mean, it doesn't not matter to me. I do care. I'm a human being not a monster. Okay, see ya tomorrow. First, we'll take a bus to Roanoke. Smart move, son. Yeah. Very smart. Except, um, the mission is in downtown D. C., so why would we go all the way to Roanoke? That's what our enemies will be asking if they try to follow us. I like where your head's at. So, we'll take a bus to Roanoke, cab it over to the metro, we go three stops, and then start walking back. Very inventive. Yes, and the award for most inventive, yet completely unnecessary effort goes to Ernie Cooper. KC, you've been challenging every decision I make. You leave me no choice but to put you in my report. Ernie's log, regarding KC Cooper. Insubordination, bad attitude, unwillingness to parachute out of a moving helicopter. Tell it like it is, son. Really? The kid's 15, and now you decide to encourage him? It was your idea to build him up. I was just going along with it. But if we're being honest, Craig's log, regarding KC Cooper. I knew this was a bad idea. Hey, Ernie, did you get the SD card? Yes. Yes, I did. Mission accomplished. You may now congratulate me. Okay. You know what? Good work. I have to admit that I was a little skeptical when the Organization put you in charge of the mission, but you definitely proved yourself. Yes. Yes, I did. Now we just have to sneak into the air conditioning ducts, grab the rappelling gear I hid in there, belly crawl three floors up to the roof, rappel down, commandeer a car, and hightail it back to Roanoke. Or maybe we could use the elevator that's right here. - Ernie, give me the card. - I got it. Ernie, give me the card. (Gasps) I think someone has forgotten that I am up here, and you are (Clicks tongue) way down here. So when I say jump, you say how high. Jump. - How high? - Hey, give that back! (Both arguing) Well, look at that. Thanks to you, now the SD card is (Clicks tongue) way down there. Well, did you find the card? Yes, Ernie. I just enjoy sticking my head inside of a trash chute because it smells so delightful. It just doesn't get any better than this. (Trash clattering in chute) Look at that. It just got better. KC, we're on a mission. Snack on your time, not mine. Now, I'm guessing that this trash chute goes all the way down to the dumpster. Really? So the trash doesn't just magically defy the laws of gravity and float up to the roof? Ernie's log, regarding guess who. Snarky, snarky, snarky. I don't even know why I Instead of arguing, let's just go down to the Dumpster! And find the card. I said it first, so it was my idea! Okay Boss. - (Cell phone rings) - Hi, Marisa. You keep your phone on during missions? Tsk tsk tsk. Ernie's log. Hey, Marisa, I'm kinda in the middle of something, so what's up? There's this guy I volunteer with, Adam, and he's really, really cute. Marisa, quickly. Okay, so this volunteer guy asked me out, and that's great, but he doesn't just work here. He also gets food here because his family is struggling. That makes me feel good on one hand, because they need it, but bad on the other, because they need it and, I don't know. It's like I have no idea what that's like. Is he nice to you? - Yeah. - Is he cute? - Oh, yeah. - Ugh, he sounds horrible. If I were you, I would run away from him as fast as possible. So you're saying it doesn't matter. I'm saying listen to your heart. Not literally, Marisa. I knew that. Great. It's empty, just like the one in the basement. Oh, no, actually, there's a family of rats in here. - (Rats squeaking) - There's a family of rats in here! Where's all the garbage? I'm guessing in that garbage truck. Great, along with the SD card. We have to follow that truck. Really? Just follow it, because that seems like it's missing a little wow factor. Maybe we should, I don't know, take a flight to Morocco, ride a camel three stops to the border, and then take a magic carpet ride all the way back to Roanoke. - I don't like your attitude. - Stick it in your report. Boy, I am starving. Yeah, me, too. Everything looks really good. Order whatever you want. My treat. (Stammering) Your treat? You know what? I haven't decided yet. You go. I'll have a slice and an iced tea. And I will have the water. From the tap. I'm actually not that hungry. You just said you were starving. I know, but I totally forgot I ate a huge meal right before I came here. Not huge. Reasonable. I ate my fair share of a meal. Don't wanna be all nom-nom-nom. More food for me! (Nervous laughter) You know. No, not really. She'll take a slice. Actually, make it two. I really am starving. (Cell phone rings) What's up, KC? I'm in the middle of something really important right here. Do you remember that one thing I said when you and Mom brought Ernie home from the hospital? Yeah, well, I was right. He's ruining everything! He lost the card. KC, the Organization needs that card. There's a field agent in Istanbul waiting for that intel. If he doesn't get it, his cover could be blown, and he could be eliminated. Okay, let's talk hypothetical, all right. I mean, is this agent super likeable, or is he someone we could turn our backs on and maybe he could figure it out for himself? KC! Okay. Fine. I'll handle it. (Stammering) It's not completely lost. We actually narrowed it down to one specific location. Good. Find it, bring it in. Got it. I know it's in here. Somewhere. We need to find that SD card, KC. Keep digging. You know what I would dig? If you would get off your butt and help me. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want to make a scale model of the garbage dump out of Popsicle sticks? I swear, if the next words out of your mouth are "Ernie's log," I will actually hit you with a log. I will dig through this garbage, find a log, and mark my words, I will hit you with it. (Whispering) Ernie's log, supplemental. KC threatening physical violence. Ow! I warned you. Ugh. It could not get any worse. (Crows cawing) - Guess it can. - KC! This isn't a petting zoo. Look, can I be honest with you? I've worked very hard on this mission, and I'm truly disappointed that, at every turn, you've been nothing but an obstacle to my success. What is it, KC? Is it jealousy? Is that what's really going on here? You know, Ernie, I am so glad to see that you are so confident. Maybe, just maybe, you're a little too confident. Because if you haven't noticed, your mission is a giant fail. Because of you. And the Organization will know that because it's all in my report. News flash, Ernie. No one cares about your stupid little report. And no one's ever gonna hear your stupid little report because no one is expecting you to write a stupid little report. Guess what. The Organization didn't put you in charge of this mission, Ernie. I did. I'm the one that put you in charge of this mission, because I wanted to help you with your self-confidence. So please, go ahead. Tell me all about your stupid little report. I would love to hear it never! (Crows cawing) Wow. I guess it's just open season to poop on Ernie. You know what? I got it. I asked you out; it's on me. Yeah, but I am a feminist. You don't need to try to buy my affection. I'm not trying to buy your affection. I'm trying to buy you a slice of pizza. - But you can't afford it. - But I can. I have a part-time job. That money should go to help your family. That's really not your call. So we'll split it? Look, Adam, I'm so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not usually like this. Um, just, I've never dated someone in your economic situation. I know that sounds terrible. I shouldn't even call it that. Why not? I am in an economic situation. And so are you. Your economic situation just happens to be better than mine. I know. I know. I have lived a disgustingly privileged life. It's not my fault I was born the daughter of two over-achievers, but I am doing my best to break the cycle. Marisa. Chill. It doesn't matter how much or how little you have. It's about who you are, and you're cool. You care about others and you're giving back. I like that about you. Thanks. This is something new I'm trying. Okay, fine, you can pay. This time. Thank you. So what do you wanna do now? Go to the movies or play mini golf? What, do you think I'm made of money? Oh, hey, look at that. That's the third Justin Bieber T-shirt I've seen out here. I can't Belieb it. Come on, bro, that was funny. Lighten up. So what exactly was your plan, KC? To make me feel like garbage? Because thanks to you, I do. And no, not just because I'm standing in it. Look, bro, I was just trying to help you. Who asked you? I didn't need your help. I'm just as good an agent as you are. In fact, I might be better if I ever got a real chance. Okay, come on, bro, let's not kid ourselves. You're just not as strong as I am. In what way? Uh, mentally, physically, personal hygiene-ally. Uh, pretty much everything. - Pick your area. - What are you saying? I'm saying I'm a better agent than you. - No, you're not. - Yes, I am. Oh, really? Bring it. Okay, bro, come on. Cut it out. Bring it. I am not fighting my little brother. Is that all you got? I said bring it. Okay. Okay. You know what? You asked for it, junior. Yeah! I am in 50 feet of garbage, and that is still the worst thing I have ever smelled. Why you hitting yourself? Why you hitting yourself? You asked for it. Don't you dare. It's Wet Willie time. Wet Willie, Wet Willie. (Both laughing) Why? Why would you lie to me? Bro, I'm sorry I lied to you. It's just that I was trying to help you. So in other words, you think I'm so pathetic that the only way I can accomplish something is if you pretend that I do? No, I don't think you're pathetic. You think you're pathetic. And honestly, that's a little pathetic. - What are you talking about? - Akina. She was ready to pick up whatever you were putting down, but the only thing you were putting down was yourself. You can't expect anyone to believe in you if you don't. - You know what? Call her. - What? You heard me. Call Akina right now and ask her out. I would if someone hadn't thrown my phone into a pile of garbage. Please don't answer. Please don't answer. Please don't Akina. Hi. It's Ernie. Uh, I was just wondering if you wanted to go out with me sometime. You would? Great! Just to clarify, you do know this is Ernie Cooper, right? Uh, okay. See you at school. Wow. My little brother's got a date. And I am knee deep in what I am praying is pudding. How did this become my life? Sh. Wait a minute. Is that The SD card's in its mouth. Okay, okay, okay. Hey, little birdy. Hey, little birdy. (Screaming) Okay, that works, too. Aha! I got it. I got it. Nice work, bro. You know what? You're a good sister. Thanks, bro. Maybe you should hold on to this. - No, man, you got it. - Okay. KC's log. Single-handedly retrieved SD card. (Crow cawing) KC's log, supplemental. Ernie helped. Thanks for coming over, Akina. I had a great time hanging out with you. So far, so good. I had fun hanging with you, too. And talking to you. And watching a movie with you. I guess there's only one thing left to do. Look at Ernie stepping up to the plate. See ya at school tomorrow. Come on! That boy ain't never gonna move out of this house. Rob, your name's on TV.