The Taking of Funtime One Two Three

Alright, last quarter, last ball Snow yeah! Here you go I think this should be enough for the dune buggy - No need to count it. Well I believe you but unfortunately Family Funtime says we have to count all the tickets. - Oh, come on Trip, is it? - Yup. You know me.

I mean, you don't, but look at this face. 87. Not quite enough for the dune buggy, but you can still afford lots of neat stuff, like this comb that only hurts a little or this ring that lights up if you buy a battery for it. Nice try Missy. Give me the tickets. - Look at her, boys. - Yeah. (whistles) That's the dune buggy that's going to save us from this life. How'd you guys do? I got ten tickets playing the basketball game. I didn't get a lot of shots in, but I got a ton of rebounds. Well, not a ton. Two. I played a racing game for 45 minutes before I realized I hadn't put any money in it. Then I gave all my quarters to a nice man who gave me a piece of pizza. Sounds like we need to make a stop at the bank of Mom and Dad. Are they still around? I thought they got bought out by Chase. Oh, God. He's here. What do we do? What do we do? Maybe we can stall him for six or seven days. - Good plan. - Hello, Belchers. Hi, Mr. Fischoeder. What could you possibly want a week after the first of the month? Oh, just somebody to talk to, I guess. Aw, I'll talk to you. - I'm kidding! - Oh. Pay your rent, please. Money. We need money. Ooh, that's why I'm here. We're money twins. That's what I call my testicles. Gene. Why do you kids need more money? We just gave you your allowance this morning. We're trying to win the dune buggy at Family Funtime. Oh Family Funtime. That D-bug's got our name written all over it. And we're gonna be the D-bags driving that D-bug. Wait, I didn't know we were calling it a D-bug. Is that still open for discussion? You guys know those prizes are impossible to win without spending way more than they're worth, right? Less talking, more ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching, please. Are those supposed to be quarter sounds? They ain't dimes, bub. All right, I've got nine quarters, so that's dollars. That's all you get. For your life. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Bless you, Dad. Huh. Now, Bob, I believe it's my turn? Okay. We can let the car leak that stuff a little longer. Yeah, it's just oil. Comes out of the ground, right? It's like it's going back home. Incoming! Beep-beep. You know, children, there are certain ways of coaxing the games into giving out more tickets. Maybe I could teach you kids some tricks that I've picked up over the years. - We're listening. - Wait, we are? You'd be doing me a favor putting an end to that ridiculous dune buggy promotion. I don't know. It kind of sounds like you're talking about cheating. Not cheating. It's more like insider gaming. - What's your game? - Johnny Snow Balls. Ah, yes. A little tip. Aim for the Matterhorn. Okay, thanks, Mr. Fischoeder. I've been playing Johnny Snow Balls for 20 years. I know every inch of that game, and the Matterhorn's not where the party's at. Just give it a try. That's all I'm saying. Okay Bob, Linda, great news. You know how you're always going on and on about how you love fresh farmer's market eggs? Um, you mean that one time, like, two weeks ago? - There you go again, on and on. - Mm-hmm. What would you say if I told you you could have farm fresh eggs any time you want for practically free? - I guess that sounds - I don't know. Great! 'Cause I got a chicken and a coop in the back of my truck. And 4,000 double "A" batteries, but that's not part of this. - Why do you have a chicken? - I was building a fence for a guy. Pretty classic story. He runs out of cash, pays me with a chicken. W-Wait, why don't you want it, Teddy? - My cats would kill it. - Cats? You have cats? - Someday, when I'm ready. - I-I-I don't know. Do we really want to take care of a chicken? - Yes, you do. - I think we do. Aren't they messy and stinky? Bob, our kids are messy and stinky, and we take care of them. And they don't even give us eggs. All right. - I do like fresh eggs. - Yay! Only problem I can imagine is you're going to have too many eggs. Right? Uh oh, here's an idea. We can all have breakfast together every Sunday. Huh? - Probably not. - Yeah, no. Sleep on it. We'll circle back when you're feeling a little more grateful about this chicken I gave you out of the goodness of my heart. Back again already, huh? Yeah, and this time we're leaving with the dune buggy. That's fun. I always say I'm going to leave with my dignity, but it never happens. Now, remember, eyes on the prize. Ticket games only. No video games, no pizza, no ball pit. - Darn it. - Got it. Time for the avalanche. All right, what the hell? I'll try your Matterhorn. Yeah, that's what I Holy crap. - Gene, Tina, get over here. - How did you do that? - Watch this. - But that's gonna go straight into t From the gutter to the big time, just like the plastic bag from American Beauty. Guys, if we just keep hitting the super bonus, we can actually win the Huh? Sorry, kids. This game's out of order. What? You can't do that. If a machine starts awarding too many tickets, Family Funtime policy says we got to have it inspected. It's for your protection. You're the one who's gonna need protection, pal. - Easy, girl. - He's not worth it. If Family Funtime's not gonna play fair, then it's time for us to go Fisch-ing. I don't understand. Why would we go fishing? I think she means we're gonna steal people's identities on the Internet. No. We're gonna go see Mr. Fischoeder. Okay, that makes more sense. You've made a wise decision coming to me, children. Two questions. One, are you ready - to own your own dune buggy? - Yes. - Mm-hmm. Good. And, two, does this make me look younger? - Yes, and also like a cheetah. - Thought so. Why are you upset? You got a beef with Family Funtime? No, I don't mind a little friendly competition with the Family Funtime Corporation, but this dune buggy stunt goes too far. It's putting the whole prize economy in danger. The D-bug is putting the prize e-con in day day? Yep. If they start giving out dune buggies, then I have to start giving out dune buggies. And what's next, moon buggies? Let me show you something. Now, this this is the most coveted prize at Wonder Wharf, the Wheelie Mammoth. Yeah, we know. Everyone knows the Wheelie Mammoth. - He's famous. - But so down-to-earth. All you have to do to win him is sink a ball into the golden can. Yeah, but it's an impossible shot. Not impossible. The mouth of the can is exactly as wide as the ball. Technically, it can be forced through. Show 'em. But no one's ever won, not once. That mammoth has been at Wonder Wharf with me since actual mammoths roamed the Earth. He's my most beloved and most asbestos-filled employee. In two more years, that's what Dad'll say about me. Mm-hmm. The big prizes have to be just good enough to get people to play. They're about hope. That's what keeps people coming back, you see. The Wheelie Mammoth isn't even worth any real money. If a prize is too valuable, like the dune buggy, the whole system breaks down. People start searching for any flaws they can exploit. And then perfectly good games have to be taken out of service. A boom box with a built-in, three-inch television and all these games ended up here. - Whoa. - Whoa. A secret arcade. It's exactly how I always imagined Craig Kilborn's garage. Wait a minute, Family Funtime has a bunch of these games. Exactly. That's how you're going to win. I'm going to teach you how to beat these games. But, first, you need to assemble a crew. We are a crew. We're preassembled. - Yeah. I think the Belchers have got this. - Here's the thing. The only way to knock over Family Funtime is to do it in one shot. Hit 'em before they know what hit 'em. - Like a bris. - Precisely. It's a complex job that will require some special skills. - What kind of skills? Plumbing? - No. - Microsoft Excel? - No. - Oh, phew. - All right, we're in. Great. You look like a boy who isn't afraid of getting his hands a little sticky. I've heard of washing hands. Doesn't seem like it's for me. You're on Bucket-Ball. You, you look like you could shake something back and forth. Thank you? You're on the Tipsy Tulip. Now, you just need the hammer Hey, Zeke. My locker's stuck. Will you do that thing again? - Yeah. - Uh, that's not my locker. Oh, yeah. No. Remember? It's down at the end of the hall? - Yours is next to mine. - Oh, yeah. - Zeke. - Huh? What's that? Do what? I'm in! Let's go! - Jimmy Jr., do you have skills? - Yes. Great. You can come, too. Next, you'll need a math whiz with perfect timing. So, that's how you tutor Pause for a bell - (Bell rings) - Algebra. The dune buggy? Oh, I'm in. And two people who can act in almost telepathic coordination. - Why won't it go? - Maybe if we jump on it. Huh. We need your help. We're gonna do something. We're in! This thing's broken, anyway. Once you've gathered your crew, text me a thumbs-up emoji and we'll meet back here. This is your crew? They don't look like much and they're not much, but I trust 'em. Even the two licking each other's hair? Got to lick something. Okay, listen up, everybody. You're each gonna be assigned a game. Then Mr. Fischoeder here is gonna show you how to beat it. You, the squat one, you're on Whack a Toe. Did he say squat? Glasses, you're on The Wheel World. - Are you gonna learn our names? - God, no. Creepy twins, you're on the water squirty game. - That's what we call the toilet. - We've never won. - You, hot one. - Aw, man. - You're on Cardiac Arrest. - Okay. It smells weird in here. Smells weird everywhere, sir. That's how you know you're alive. We're gonna need to win 10,000 tickets without getting noticed by the security guard at the door, by the manager behind the prize counter, or the three security cameras located there, there, and there. The manager watches the room. He also watches the screens. And that's why he makes the big bucks. How are we supposed to hide 10,000 tickets? Leave that part up to me. Now let's get to it. Clap, clap. Here we come, chicken, chicken. Coming for your delicious bottom diamonds. How many eggs come out at once? Like, a dozen? Two dozen? Well, it's been three days, so there should be at least a - Huh. Nothing. - Maybe it's nervous. You know, like how you can't poop when we travel? Wait, when did we travel? Well, I was just imagining, you know. - If we did, you wouldn't be able to poop. - I could poop. I'd like to maybe even think I could poop better. Like, in Europe, I could poop better. Boo! - What was that? - I was trying to scare it. You know, if there was an egg in there about to drop, I'd scare it out. I don't think that's how it works. Well, what's your big idea, Colonel Sanders? I don't know. Maybe the opposite of what you just did? - Maybe sing to it? - Ooh, singing! Yes, yes, yes! Make an egg roll - From your egg hole - No, no, no. - That's really loud. - That was good. She doesn't like that kind of singing. - Why? - She likes this. Amazing Grace How sweet No, no, no, you're putting her to sleep. Make an egg roll from your egg hole - That saved - We're gonna beat it - A wretch - And then we'll eat it Zeke, how's it coming on Whack a Toe? Well, I'm working on this move. Mallet! Head! Mallet, head, go! Mallet! - Does that hurt? - Does what hurt? Oh, they're not real toes. They don't feel pain. Okay. Darryl, how's the Wheel World going? Are you mastering the pattern? Yup. The light rotates in a specific algorithm, depending on where it starts. Once you spot the pattern, you just wait for the final loop and then three, two, one, hee-ya! - So that's math, huh? - Hmm. Andy, Ollie, show me what you got. I've got an innie, he's got an outie. They fit together. - I meant the game. - Oh. Nice work. Twice as nice if you can do it a hundred more times. Oh, that's a lot. - Hey, Tina, how's it shaking? - Pretty much like this. - That's it, huh? - Yeah, that's it. Can I switch to a different Oh. Okay, talk to you later. Saturday is the busiest day for birthday parties at Family Funtime. That means their staff is gonna be too busy to go around pulling plugs on you. But we're gonna have to keep our ticket count under wraps. So, remember, when your backpack is full, slide it through the curtain to me in the photo booth and I'll empty it out. We know, Louise. We've been practicing all day. Can we go home now? Yeah, everything's starting to look like a toe to me. - There's one! - Ow, Zeke! All right, fine. Go home and rest up. Big day tomorrow. Keep it to one nightcap, hmm? One jigger of gin per pound of body weight. You guys head on home. I'm gonna stop by Family Funtime real quick, do a final walk-through, check all the sight lines. I don't know, Louise. We're supposed to be laying low. - Sounds kind of risky. - Yeah, well, I don't want to leave anything to chance. Relax. Go home. I'll be back before Gene eats his first dinner. It's not a dinner It's a cheese course. Okthings are looking good here. Dune buggy's still there, games are all in service, photo booth is Wait, what the What's up with the curtain on the photo booth? It's-it's missing. Eh, it's at the cleaners. It can only absorb so much vomit before the smell becomes a problem. It'll be back in a few days. A few days? You really like that curtain, huh? Yeah, what can I say, I'm a kid. And, uh, kids, uh, they love curtains. He he, sure, sure. Back in my day, it was blinds. Damn it, now we need somewhere else to stash the tickets. I've got to find a blind spot. Hey, uh, I think someone tried to flush a Skee-Ball down the toilet. At least, I hope it's a Skee-Ball. Oh! To what end, people? Come on, show me a blind spot. Hey! You're not allowed behind the prize counter. lo Unless, I was looking for the staircase. Oh! There it is. Nice try. Yuli, we've got a thief. Turn. Ra Now your picture goes up on the Bulletin Board of Banishment so myself and the other security guards will make sure you are not admitted into Family Funtime ever again, again, again I'm doing that echo thing for dramatic purposes. - Yep. - Time to get out, out, out All right, I'm going. She'll land on her feet. Or turn to drugs and crime. - What's the emergency? - Look, here's what happened. - We were - We? No, you. You blew it. You got caught. Louise got banned from Family Funtime. What? You got banned? I was checking to make sure everything was smooth for tomorrow, which it wasn't. I had to find a new place to stash the tickets. So I smartly went behind the prize counter And she got caught. The manager thought she was trying to steal prizes. Reckless, that's the word. Also selfish and dumb. People, if I hadn't gone last night, this who thing would've fallen apart. Whoa. Everybody, just slow down, okay? Take a deep breath and a slug of bourbon. We'll find a way to sneak Louise into Family Funtime. I don't know. I hate to say it, Louise, but I think maybe it's safer if you stay behind. Sorry, Louise, I guess you're out of the crew. Yeah, well, g-good luck pulling this off without me. Crew you guys. Crew all of you! Hmm. Hmm, I guess someone else will have to be tiny and bossy. Uh, what about you? What've you got? I can smile. Never mind. What about you? - I know how everybody's gonna die. - Okay, forget it. - Still hasn't laid an egg, huh? - No. What kind of chicken did you give us, Teddy? It's a poor craftsman who takes it out on his chicken, Bob. Linda, no! She's young! She hasn't figured it out yet. Teddy, I'm just holding a knife. - We work in a restaurant. - Oh. But have I thought about eating chicken? Yes. Yes, I have. I've got a few recipes bookmarked. - Yeah. Me, too. - Stop! You people are monsters. Rosemary chicken, - barbeque chicken sandwich - Oh! - Garlic chicken - Oh! - Yum. - That sounds good, actually. Oh, no, my hands are all sticky. And now the ball is all sticky. That's weird. Yeah! I mean Yeah. Ooh, ooh. That's my whistle sound. I don't know how to whistle, Tina. Don't think about all the pee in here. Don't think about all the pee in here. Don't think about all the pee in here. Uh-oh. Dang! You come out of there. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. Jeepers. How many tickets do you kids have in here? The normal amount? I can't believe you kids would cheat. It's called Family Funtime, not H-Horrible Greedy Children Cheat Time. What?! We were playing totally fair. Like, maybe too fair. Ah, well, we'll see what the boss says about that. Here he is now. Hello, children. Mr. Fischoeder? What are you doing here? Oh, did I forget to mention? I'm part owner of Family Funtime. Yeah, I think you did. Wait, Mr Fischoeder to cheat at your own arcade? I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about. Anyway, these are the types of cheaters I was worried about Grubby, grubby little ones. Sorry, I'm being rude. Uh, this is one of my so-called partners. We're actual partners, not so-called partners. None of the partners like it when you call them so-called partners. They were about to try and claim the dune buggy. It's a good thing I was expecting this and was able to catch them. But you taught us to cheat. Yeah, you did. Are you dirty dogging us? I've never seen you before in my long and prosperous life. Well, you were right about this, Calvin. That dune buggy is a liability. It's too valuable. If it can be won here, it can be won at all of our participating locations. Wh-What's gonna happen to the dune buggy? I guess I'll drive it back to the office. Thank God we built it next to those dunes. Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. Looks like things went pretty smoothly, huh? Yeah. Piece of cake. - How'd it go on your end? - I nailed it. What are you kids talking about? Why are you being chummy? Why aren't you distraught? You're not supposed to be here. You're banned. Yeah, little breakdown in security. - There's no one out there. - Oh, shoot, that's me. I'll go back out, you try to walk in again. Hold on. I would like to know what's happening here. Well, you see, Mr. F, it was yesterday, while Yuli was taking that very flattering picture of me, that I realized you were setting us up. And how, pray tell, did you realize that so not true thing? Because right next to the Bulletin Board of Banishment is a really fun collection of pictures from the Family Funtime company picnic. Damn it. Good picnic, though. Great punch. When I saw that, I realized there was no way we were getting that dune buggy. After I broke the news to the crew, we all agreed we weren't going to walk away from this empty-handed. So while this decoy heist was underway, the real heist was going on at the wharf. - My wharf? - Yup. We pulled a heist of our own to win the unwinnable. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, not My Wheelie Mammoth? But how did I d I don't What the ? It's unwinnable. - Thanks to you, it became winnable. - What? Turns out you taught us everything we needed to know to land us a mammoth. Sticky hands. Timing. Shaking. And the hammer. - Yes! Yes! Yes! - Ah! She got it in! She got it in! Somebody won the mammoth! How come no one's excited but me? So, while we may not be taking home the dune buggy Sorry! I didn't know how loud it was gonna be. Is it loud there? It's loud here. we did get the next best thing: the most coveted prize in all of Wonder Wharf. Well played. Well played, all of you. I'm going to miss that mammoth. Do me a favor, brush him every once in a while, will you? And oil his wheels. I never did any oi that stuff, but I always meant to. Come on, so-called partner, let's race. Yeah, ha, ha! Son of a gun, look at him go. Wait, let's trade! - You really think this is gonna work? - No. Well, it can't hurt, anyway. We tried everything else. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, guys, look. Whoa. Half Wheelie Mammoth, half chicken. All frittata. Sheesh. Remember how easy it was to buy eggs? I miss that. I miss us. I wonder if Teddy knows any other suckers who would take a chicken. And maybe a mammoth, too? You bite your tongue. That mammoth is part of the family now. Louise, it's huge. - Where are we gonna put it? - Right there. But we can't see the TV. This is what we watch now. We watch mammoth and chicken. Yeah, okay. So are we going to eat that mamma-jamma or what? I-I mean the egg, not the chicken. Or the mammoth. I know "mamma-jamma" sounded like a fun way to say "mammoth," but I didn't mean it that way. - But I am hungry. - All right! Who wants to split a one-egg omelet five ways? I would.