The Junior Professor Solution


 * (The opening scene where the gang are having dinner at the apartment)
 * Sheldon: I recently read that during World War Two, Joseph Stalin had a research program to create supersoldiers by having women impregnated by gorillas.
 * (Scene of Penny frowning for a second)
 * Howard: What a sick use of science.
 * Raj: Hey, as long as the baby’s healthy.
 * Amy: I wonder if Stalin considered any other animals.
 * Leonard: Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.
 * Howard: Yes, but when they’re hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn’t be attacked.
 * Raj: But half-man, half-owl could fly…
 * Sheldon: The answer is cuddly soldiers with big flat noses. Moving on.
 * Howard: So, Penny, when’s the new job start?
 * Penny: Next Monday.
 * Bernadette: Did you get a chance to look over the materials I gave you?
 * Penny: Uh, not yet, but I will.
 * Bernadette: Great. When?
 * Penny: I said I’ll get to it.
 * Sheldon: I’m sensing awkwardness, am I right?
 * Amy: Yes.
 * Sheldon: Swish.
 * Bernadette: I don’t want to be pushy, but you’ve never done pharmaceutical sales before. It seems like you could use this time to get a head start.
 * Penny: Well, the first few weeks will be all training. They’ll tell me everything I need to know.
 * Bernadette: But imagine how impressed they’d be if you showed up already familiar with the material.
 * Penny: Okay, so what, you want me to be like a teacher’s pet?
 * Bernadette: Couldn’t hurt.
 * Leonard: Mm, I don’t know. Who here has ever been hurt because they were the teacher’s pet?
 * (The five gang members who work at Caltech (all four guys and Amy) put their hands up. Bernadette smiles crossly by this and says nothing. Penny silently frowns for a second. This could mean both Bernadette and Penny don't know much about some of their work at Caltech so far)
 * Sheldon: It was like the rest of the class wanted Ms. McDonald to forget the quiz.
 * (Sheldon just shakes his head and the opening theme begins)


 * Janine Davis: Dr. Cooper. While you were away we came up with a solution that will allow you to change your field of study.
 * Sheldon: Wow. Pouting and running away actually worked. Yes, I must say that may not be a lesson you want to reinforce with me.


 * Sheldon: So your solution is to promote me and pay me more money so I can impart my knowledge to the next generation of scientists?
 * Janine Davis: Yes.
 * Sheldon: You people are sick.


 * Penny: Hey, you ready to go to lunch?
 * Amy: Just give me a minute. I am stimulating the pleasure cells of this starfish. I just need to turn it off.
 * Penny: Then what happens if you don’t?
 * Amy: Then I have to sit through lunch knowing that the starfish is having a better day than I am. Is Bernadette meeting us at the restaurant?
 * Penny: Uh, no. Actually, I didn’t invite her.
 * Amy: How come?
 * Penny: Well, ever since she helped me get this job, she won’t stop bugging me.
 * Amy: Well, I think she just wants you to do well, and she’s worried that you won’t ’cause you were just a stunningly poor waitress.
 * Penny: That is not true.
 * Amy: I’m still waiting on my mini corndogs from two years ago.
 * Penny: (angry) I told you, they’ll be right out.
 * Amy: Okay, so no Bernadette.
 * Penny: Well, you saw her the other night. Am I wrong?
 * Amy: No, I just, I feel kind of uncomfortable talking about her like this. Usually when someone’s being talked about behind their back, it’s me and it’s right in front of my face.
 * Penny: I’m sorry. I just need a little break from her.
 * Amy: I understand. You know, there is some research that indicates that sharing negative attitudes about a third party can be a powerful bonding force between two friends.
 * Penny: So what are you saying?
 * Amy: I’m saying in the spirit of science, what is that little skank's problem?


 * Leonard: Hey. We came to see how your class was going. Where is everybody?
 * Sheldon: There is no class.
 * Howard: Did you send everyone to the principal’s office already?
 * Sheldon: No one signed up.
 * Leonard: Well, that’s not your fault.
 * Sheldon: I called the department secretary to see what happened. Apparently I have a reputation for being obnoxious.
 * Leonard: Wha-a-at?


 * Howard: Come on. You might have gone to school for a couple years more than me, but engineers are just as smart as physicists.
 * Sheldon: {Gasps} You take that back!
 * Howard: (smug) No.


 * Leonard: Sheldon, why are you doing this?
 * Sheldon: I’m a teacher, Leonard. It’s my job.
 * Leonard: No, I mean why are you going to so much trouble to prove that you’re smarter than Wolowitz?
 * Sheldon: Oh it’s no trouble. It’s actually a pleasure.
 * Leonard: You know what I think? I think that the idea that someone could be smarter than you, or even smarter, scares the pants off you and you can’t deal with it.
 * Sheldon: Interesting point. You’re suggesting I have emotional issues below my consciousness that drives my behavior, thus causing me to lash out at anything or anyone that threatens my intellectual superiority.
 * Leonard: Might be something to think about.
 * Sheldon: Leonard?
 * Leonard: Yeah?
 * Sheldon: Howard’s allergic to peanuts. How might I use that against him?


 * Amy: Because it’s taken fifteen years, but high school is finally awesome. I love them both, but I’m in the center now and I love that even more.
 * Sheldon: Amy, please. I am trying to figure out a way to intellectually emasculate a dear friend of mine.
 * Amy: But I’m just…
 * Sheldon: Not now.
 * Amy: You better watch that attitude, buddy. You’re dating a popular girl now.


 * Amy: Measuring starfish serotonin levels in response to one point two molar stimulation of pleasure cells. You like that, don’t you? That’s right, say my name.
 * Bernadette: (on Skype) Hey.
 * Amy: Hey, what’s going on?
 * Bernadette: (out of vision through Skype) Not much. (Scene of Bernadette on Skype) You want to get a drink later? Just the two of us?
 * Amy: No Penny?
 * Bernadette: (she's so frustrated) Not tonight. I’m a little frustrated with her.
 * Amy: Because you got her the job and you think she should be working harder to prepare for it?
 * Bernadette: (she scoffs and she now gets very cross) So it’s not just me. You see it, too.
 * Amy: I do, I see it.
 * Bernadette: (1st time: she's still very cross) It’s driving me crazy. Just this afternoon, I saw on Instagram that instead of studying, she went out to lunch and got a manicure.
 * Amy: That’s outrageous.
 * Bernadette: (2nd time: she's still very cross) I know.
 * Amy: If she doesn’t do well, this could reflect poorly on you.
 * Bernadette: (3rd time: she's still very cross) Exactly. Does she not realize it or does she not care?
 * Amy: I don’t know. The important thing is I am here for you so we can mutually disparage this unpleasing third party.
 * (Amy shakes her head madly and Bernadette huffs quietly)


 * Amy (on phone): Hey, girlfriend. Can I get a what what? :
 * Penny: What?
 * Amy: Close enough. Um, I was just calling to see what you were up tonight. Thought maybe we could hit up Color Me Mine, maybe sneak in some Pinot Greej. Whatevs.
 * Penny: Uh, thanks, but I think I’m gonna stay in and go over the stuff Bernadette gave me.
 * Amy: Oh. Oh, I hear you. Try and get that nag off your back, right? I mean, you’re not a bicycle, why’s she riding you like that?
 * Penny: No, I think she was just trying to help. Plus, I really want to do well at this job. So…
 * Amy: Okay, good luck. And call me later, you know, if you decide she’s a bitch or something. Hey, girlfriend
 * (Scene of Bernadette's office at Zangen)
 * Bernadette: Hey, Amy.
 * Amy: Tonight. You, me, Color Me Mine. Maybe we sneak in some Pinot, make it Color Me Wine.
 * Bernadette: That sounds fun, but I promised Penny I’d come by and help her study.
 * Amy: (laughs) Oh. Well, good luck getting her to do that. She’s probably off getting another manicure. You remember when she did that? You remember?
 * Bernadette: I was probably being too hard on her. We talked, we’re good.
 * Amy: Oh. Great. I’m happy for you guys. You know, when the two of you aren’t getting along, it puts me in a really weird position.
 * Bernadette: Well, don’t worry, everything’s back to normal.
 * Amy: You mean, like, where she’s nice to your face? Okay got it. Bye. Hey, boyfriend.
 * Sheldon: Can’t talk. Spitball. Probably gonna die.


 * (Scene: Penny’s apartment)
 * Bernadette: Okay, what are the potential side effects for our erectile dysfunction drug?
 * Penny: Headaches, dizziness and nausea.
 * Bernadette: Yes.
 * Penny: Those are also the side effects of having a 75-year-old man with an erection climb on top of you.
 * Bernadette: Want to stop here?
 * Penny: Uh, no. I can keep going.
 * Bernadette: Nah, you got this. Let’s go for a drink. I’ll call Amy.
 * Penny: Okay, good. She seemed like she really wanted to go out tonight.
 * (Amy has overheard all of it through Penny's door. she immediately runs down the stairs. halfway down the stairs Amy's cell phone rings and she stops by the broken elevator to answer it)
 * Amy: (answering her phone) Hey, girl.