The Celebration Experimentation


 * Amy: So Sheldon, there's something I've been wanting to talk about but I know it's kind of a touchy subject.
 * Leonard: Way to narrow it down to everything.
 * Sheldon: What is it?
 * Amy: Well, your birthday's coming up. And you've never let us celebrate it. And I was hoping maybe this year we could.
 * Sheldon: Oh, I suppose that's a discussion we could have.
 * (Sheldon now runs away up the stairs)
 * Amy: Okay, great, I mean, it doesn't have to be a big party or anything. I was just... Where'd he go?
 * Penny: W-Wait a minute. You mention his birthday and he vanishes?
 * Leonard: Well, where's that information been this whole time?
 * (The opening theme to the 'Big Bang Theory' starts up)


 * Penny: Well, where is he?
 * Amy: Sheldon?
 * Leonard: I'll check his room.
 * Sheldon: Surprise! (everyone screams)
 * Penny: Oh, my God!
 * Sheldon: Just one example of how birthdays can be terrible. Now, can we please drop this subject and pick a new one? Yeah, I suggest “How thick can a soup get before it becomes a stew?” You know, the answer, it may surprise you.
 * Amy: I'm sorry I brought it up.
 * Penny: Yeah, what is the problem? Is it about getting older?
 * Sheldon: Please, look at this porcelain skin. I'm like a human sink.
 * Amy: But it's the one day a year that's just all about you.
 * Leonard: One day. (laughs) Right.
 * Amy: Can you please just tell me why?
 * Sheldon: Fine. As you know, I have a twin sister with whom I obviously share a birthday. Every year we'd have a party. No one I invited would ever come, because they didn't like me.
 * Amy: I'm sorry.
 * Sheldon: Oh, that part wasn't so bad. I didn't like them, either. But, then I'd inevitably spend the whole day being tortured by my sister's friends.
 * Penny: Oh, you poor thing.
 * Sheldon: When I was six, they told me Batman was coming to my party. I waited by the door for hours. Closest thing to Batman I saw was when a robin flew into the window.
 * Amy: You realize none of those things would happen now?
 * Sheldon: I do, but why do you care if I celebrate my birthday at all?
 * Amy: Well, you made my last birthday so memorable, I wanted to return the favor.
 * Penny: Yeah, if you had a party now, you have plenty of friends that would love to come.
 * Leonard: And we live here, so we have no choice.
 * Penny: Yeah.
 * Sheldon: Very well. You may celebrate my life by throwing a party with cake, presents and a shower of admiration and love. But then you owe me big-time. (Amy smiles)


 * (The comic book store where Howard asks Raj if he has an idea what to give Sheldon for his birthday)
 * Raj: He's been fascinated with dinosaurs lately. Maybe we could get him a fossil.
 * Leonard: Well, just don't get anything Jurassic. He feels like that whole chunk of time has gone Hollywood. Hey, uh, you know, he told a sad story about how his sister tricked him into thinking Batman was coming to his party.
 * Howard: That's funny. Let's do that.
 * Leonard: Maybe we could get Batman to actually show up.
 * Raj: You mean, some guy in a lame suit?
 * Leonard: Or a real Batman. Hey, Stuart? Didn't you try to get Adam West to do a signing here once?
 * Stuart: Yeah, but there was kind of a scheduling conflict. He, uh, wanted to know when he'd get paid. And I wouldn't tell him.
 * Leonard: Can I get his contact info?
 * Stuart: Sure, uh, but just so you know, he's kind of a diva.
 * Leonard: He is?
 * Stuart: Oh, yeah. Won't take the bus. He won't pack his own lunch. Won't let you spend the night on his couch.


 * Amy: Okay, so how do you feel about party balloons?
 * Sheldon: Uh, Mylar balloons, yes. Latex balloons, no. Water balloons, I will jump off the roof and aim for your car.
 * Penny: All right, what about music?
 * Sheldon: I enjoy marching bands and Tibetan throat singing.
 * Penny: No music it is.
 * Bernadette: What kind of cake do you like?
 * Sheldon: Well, my favorite is chocolate with strawberry frosting, three layers, and if there's writing on it, make sure it's not all caps. I don't need my dessert yelling at me.


 * Raj: Hey, so what was Adam West like on the phone?
 * Leonard: Uh, nice guy. But it was a little weird to hear Batman say, “Don't ring the doorbell or my poodles will go crazy.”
 * Raj: You know, Adam West is my favorite Batman? Well, after Michael Keaton, Christian Bale and Batman from The Lego Movie.
 * Howard:Don't say that to him.
 * Raj: What? He beat out George Clooney. And that's something. Like, I love me some Clooney.
 * Leonard: Don't say that to anyone.


 * Penny: Thank you so much for helping us, Stuart.
 * Stuart: Oh, I-I was just glad to be invited. To be honest, I don't always feel like I'm part of the group.
 * Penny: Okay, sweetie, we're on the clock here. Can you hate yourself and frost at the same time?
 * (the apartment door opens and in comes Barry Kripke)
 * Barry: Hello, I hope I'm not too early.
 * Bernadette: No, no, no. Come on in.
 * Barry: And how is the radiant mommy-to-be?
 * Bernadette: Doing great.
 * Stuart: You're pregnant?
 * Bernadette: Yeah.
 * Stuart: Sounds like something a member of the group might know.
 * Penny: Yeah, birthday party first. Pity party later.


 * Leonard: Are you crazy? How can you put Michael Keaton in front of Christian Bale?
 * Adam West: Oh, please. Even my poodles know Bale's overrated.
 * Raj: Thank you! That's why I say Keaton's number one. He brought a sense of humor to the role.
 * Adam West:Oh, if you're gonna factor in a sense of humor, then I should be at the top of the list. It should be me, Keaton, Kilmer, Lego, Bale, and that pretty boy Clooney.
 * Howard: Really? You're ahead of Bale? The man who personified the words, (deep voice): “I'm Batman.”
 * Adam West: I never had to say I'm Batman. I showed up. People knew I was Batman. Everywhere I went-- on the TV show, mall openings... Julie Newmar's bungalow.
 * Leonard: I'm sold-- you're ahead of Bale.
 * Adam West: There's another reason I should be higher on the list. All those other guys had muscles built into their costumes. All I had in my Batsuit was 100%, grade-A West.
 * Howard: Can we just all agree we're worried about Affleck?
 * Leonard: Sure.
 * Raj: Yeah, of course.
 * Adam West: What's an Affleck?


 * Sheldon: Is there a reason I had to leave my own apartment?
 * Amy: Well, I think they just want you to see it for the first time all decorated.
 * Sheldon: But who's gonna tell them they're doing it wrong?
 * Amy: Well, I'm... I'm sure they'll ask you to give a speech, and that's when you just tear 'em a new one. Have to say, you... you do look good in that suit.
 * Sheldon: Oh. Thank you.
 * Amy: Maybe later I'll, uh... get to see you in your birthday suit.
 * Sheldon: But this is my birthday suit. Are you having a stroke? Because that's the kind of thing that just ruins a birthday party.


 * Leonard: So, Mother, I'm surprised you came all this way for Sheldon's birthday.
 * Beverly: Oh, I was happy to. He did come to my 60th.
 * Leonard Oh. You had a party for your 60th?
 * Beverly: Oh, I wouldn't call it a party. Just a few close friends. And your sister and brother.
 * Penny: You know, to be fair, we did get married in Vegas and didn't invite her.
 * Beverly: And I never did thank you for that, dear.


 * (ringtone plays)
 * Amy: Oh. Penny says everyone's there. Are you ready?
 * Sheldon: (takes deep breath) I am. Oh. Wait.
 * Amy: Are you all right?
 * Sheldon: No, I just... I got a little light-headed.
 * Amy: Oh, d-do you need a minute?
 * Sheldon: (exhales) No. No, if I can walk past that pet shop with the parrot in the window, I suppose I can do this.
 * Others: Happy birthday! (whooping, clapping)
 * Leonard: Speech! Speech!
 * Raj: Come on, Sheldon, say something. Uh, um... uh, thank you all so much for coming. Uh, Beverly. Wil Wheaton. Adam West, for some reason.
 * Leonard: Batman finally came to your party.
 * Adam West: Happy birthday, Sherman.
 * (Sheldon looks shocked at being called Sherman for a second, Kripke, Leonard and Penny glance at him for a bit. Howard and Bernadette listen to him say 'thank you' in the background)
 * Sheldon: This is all so thoughtful.
 * (heartbeat thumping loudly)
 * Sheldon: Excuse me.
 * Adam West: I still get paid, don't I?


 * Leonard: Okay, I'd better go in there and talk to him.
 * Amy: Well, don't you think I'm the one who should go in?
 * Leonard: No offense, but I've known the guy a really long time.
 * Amy: Well, I've, you know, seen him without pants on.
 * Leonard: Again, no offense, but so have I.
 * Amy: Well, he's seen me without pants on.
 * Leonard: Again, no...
 * Penny: Okay, this is ridiculous.


 * Penny: (knocking) Sheldon? Can I come in? (sighs)
 * Sheldon: How do you know I'm not using the facilities?
 * Penny: Because you e-mail me your bathroom schedule once a week, even though I've clicked unsubscribe, like, a thousand times. So... what's going on?
 * Sheldon: I don't know. I-I looked around the room, and I saw all the faces and the presents, and it... it was just too much.
 * Penny: I get that. Hey, you want to just bring a few people in here? You know, Wil Wheaton in the bathtub, Batman on the toilet. It'll be like the weirdest Comic-Con ever.
 * Sheldon: I know that you worked hard to put this together. I'm sorry I'm ruining it.
 * Penny: Oh, pl... You're not ruining it. Look, at some point, Raj will try to get everyone to do the Electric Slide. Now, that will ruin it.
 * Sheldon: I don't think I can go back out there.
 * Penny: That's fine. You know, I hate that your sister and her friends used to torture you. But what I hate even more is, if I was there, I would have tortured you, too.
 * Sheldon: Based on this pep talk, I'd say you're still doing it.
 * Penny: (scoffs) My point is, there was a time I never would've been friends with someone like you, and now... you are one of my favorite people. So, if what you need is to spend your birthday in a bathroom, I'm happy to do it with you.
 * Sheldon: Well, everyone will think I'm weird.
 * Penny: Sweetie, you are weird. Everyone knows you're weird, but they're all still here because they care about you so much.
 * (knocking) Kripke: Hello. Some of us need to check our hair because we might have a shot with Leonard's mother.


 * Leslie: Leonard.
 * Leonard: Hey.
 * Leslie: It's been a while.
 * Leonard: Leslie. I can't remember the last time we talked. So much has changed.
 * Leslie: [Looks at the apartment.] Has it?
 * Leonard: Yeah, uh, um, Penny and I got married.
 * Leslie: Wow, congratulations. You know, actually, I thought you'd be living with Sheldon forever.
 * Leonard: Yeah, well... Don't be a stranger.
 * Penny:Okay, everybody, Sheldon is gonna come back out, but I think he's a little embarrassed, so let's all be extra nice, okay?
 * Kripke: What are you looking at me for? I'm a saint. (chuckles) But a sinner in the sack.
 * Sheldon: Hello, everyone. I-I... I'd like to apologize for my behavior. I hope it hasn't put a damper on the party. So, just, please, enjoy yourselves.
 * Penny: That's good. (party chatter resumes)
 * Sheldon: Oh, this is quickly getting out of hand.
 * Amy: If I may, I-I'd like to propose a toast. Um, thank you all for coming tonight. I know it's customary for the birthday boy to receive presents, but I feel like I got the greatest gift the day he was born.
 * All: Aw. Hear, hear.
 * Raj: Cheers.
 * Sheldon: Amy, that was lovely. You know, this is fun. Let's do more. Someone else say something wonderful about me.
 * Howard: Sheldon, I don't think everyone...
 * Sheldon: Wolowitz, perfect. Everyone listen to Wolowitz.
 * Howard: Okay, then, uh, (clears throat) Sheldon, (chuckles) we've known each other a long time. And it is a pleasure to work with you and call you my friend.
 * Sheldon: Little generic. Keep thinking. We'll circle back. Wil Wheaton, go.
 * Wil Wheaton: Sheldon, I know that we've had our ups and downs, but I can honestly say that my life is so much more interesting because you are in it. We may have met because you are a fan of Star Trek. But I have become a fan of Sheldon Cooper. Live long and prosper, buddy. And happy birthday.
 * All: Cheers.
 * Sheldon:That's how you do it, Wolowitz. Now you see why he's famous and you're not.


 * Beverly: Sheldon, I know the future holds great things for you, and we all can't wait to see what they are. Happy birthday, dear.
 * All: Cheers.
 * Barry: Someone call Animal Control. There's a cougar on the loose.
 * Beverly: Barry, stop.
 * Leonard: Seriously, Barry, stop.


 * Raj: And it was Gandhi who said, “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”
 * Sheldon: And it was Sheldon Cooper who said “Let's speed this up. A lot of people want to talk”"


 * Leslie: Uh, in the past, I would've said something obnoxious, like, “Happy birthday, dumbass”. But I'm not gonna do it. You and I have both grown a lot, and it's just so nice to see you all again. So... happy birthday, Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: Oh. Oh, now, you know I hate change. Say it.
 * Leslie: Happy birthday, dumbass! (cheering)


 * Adam West: Happy birthday, young man. And if any of you have enjoyed seeing me here today, I'm also available for Comic-Cons, bachelor parties, bar mitzvahs...


 * Bernadette: I can't think of anything to say that hasn't already been said. So, here's to you, Sheldon.
 * Amy, Wil and Raj: Hear, hear.
 * Sheldon: Thank you, Bernadette. That was perfect.
 * Howard: What? You gotta be kidding me?


 * Leonard: Sheldon, we've been together so long, it's hard to remember a time you weren't in my life. And believe me, I try. (laughter) You make me laugh. You make me a better scientist. You make me crazy. You're more than just my roommate, you're my brother.
 * Sheldon: Thank you.
 * Leonard: Happy birthday, buddy.
 * All: Cheers.
 * Sheldon: Thank you. That-that was wonderful.
 * Penny: Oh, wait, wait, wait. Stuart didn't get to speak.
 * Stuart: Oh, oh, okay. Um... Uh, Sheldon, I've spent most of my life feeling invisible, but having you and everyone...
 * Amy: Hey, everybody, listen up.
 * Penny: You nailed it.
 * Amy: We've got someone who couldn't be here but really wanted to wish you a happy birthday.
 * Hawking: Hello, Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: (gasps) Professor Hawking.
 * Hawking: (chuckles) Happy birthday to you.
 * Sheldon: Thank you so much. I can't believe you're...
 * Hawking: Happy birthday to you.
 * Sheldon: Oh, you're singing. Well, I'm sorry.
 * Hawking: Happy birthday, dear Sheldon.
 * Leonard: Uh, Professor Hawking, if you just give us one second, we'll light the candles, and we can all sing together.
 * Hawking: I was crushing it, but all right.
 * Penny: Okay, while they get the cake, Sheldon, I just want to say, I hope you didn't think you were gonna get through tonight without a hug.
 * Sheldon: (sighs) You know, I used to hate these hugs. Now they're just extremely irritating.


 * Leonard: Ready when you are, Professor Hawking.
 * Hawking: And a one, and a two... ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy birthday, dear Sheldon (Hawking echoes 'Shel-don'). Happy birthday (Hawking echoes 'Happy Birthday') to you.
 * (Hawking echoes 'to you'. cheering).
 * Adam West: So, who's taking me home?