Tiegs for Two

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and s*x on TV. ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry. ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 9x14 ♪ Trading Places Original Air Date on March 20, 2011

(slurring): We interrupt this program because I have had kind of a crap day, and I know all the station passwords to do it.

So, smell that finger, Quahog!

Ooh, a drunk news report from Tom Tucker.

We haven't had one of those since they canceled Passions.

This should be good.

Okay, our top story tonight: A local car dealer has announced a "Hands on a Hard Body" promotion in which a used dirt bike will be reward... awarded to the one customer who can successfully outlast his competitors.

And, and in other news, they're bringing back Passions!

Yes, they are!

Holy crap! A dirt bike! That's awesome!

Lois, I'm gonna win that thing!

Peter, why would you want a used dirt bike when you already have a car?

Because this is 1978, Lois, and dirt bikes have never been hotter.

Besides, I get one of those things, it's gonna be a buffet of beav.

Mmm, I don't know. Seems stupid to me.

Thanks to all of you for coming out today.

In just a minute, we'll begin our "Hands on a Hard Body" contest.

And the lucky one of you who can keep his or her hand on this dirt bike for the longest amount of time will get to take it home!

(all cheer) Yeah, all right! Yeah!

Okay, everyone who wants to win this dirt bike, come on up and put a hand on it!

Mr. Pewterschmidt? What are you doin' here?

You want a used dirt bike?

Oh, not at all. But Lois told me how much you wanted it.

So I decided to win it for myself just so I could destroy it in front of you.

And the clock starts... now!

How are you gonna destroy a dirt bike?

You can't even open your own aspirin.

With that.

Aw, damn it!

Ooh! Our first hand off the dirt bike!

Huh. I guess you're out, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Well, I already paid for that thing.

So I'm just gonna stick around and smash other stuff you like.

Hey, fat-ass, you like, um...

You like, uh...

This... This bus bench?

Uh... I... It's okay.

All right, that's good enough for me. I'm smashing it!

Haha! You loved that thing.

Amazing!

Nine hours with no break!

Who's gonna win this thing?

You might as well give up now, Mr. Mayor.

This dirt bike is mine.

Like heck, it is!

(dialing tones)

Hey, check your phone.

Why?

I just sent you a picture of a kitten in sunglasses.

Well, this I gotta see!

Hello, cool kitty.

Oh...!

And we have a winner!

(cheering)

Aw, darn it.

Well, I guess I'll just disappear into that field of corn.

Help! I'm lost in corn!

Hey, where's Peter?

I don't know. I haven't heard from him since he left work.

Hope you made extra. I brought a guest.

What the hell?! Who is this?!

This is my dirt bike girlfriend.

Amber.

I'm a dirt bike guy now, so I need a dirt bike girlfriend.

Yes, she has small breasts, but she makes up for it by smoking.

Peter, she has to leave.

We're havin' dinner.

No, Lois! I will not allow you to look down on Amber just 'cause she goes to an alternative high school!

There's different ways to measure intelligence besides someone's grade-point average!

Fact is, she rumpled up some poetry she wrote and threw it away in a fit, but I un-rumpled it, and it was really good!

(sighs) Fine. Amber, would you like to have some dinner with our family?

Nah, I can't.

I got a wicked bruise on the back of my throat.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for our national anthem, performed this afternoon by Peter Griffin and his dirt bike.

(engine revs to the tune of "The Star-Spangled Banner")

There it is, Meg.

What do you say we take it for a spin?

Chris, get off there.

You shouldn't be sitting on that.

Come on.

(clucking)

That's fake.

Come on, Meg, just get on!

(sighs)

Hey, Meg, check it out.

I'm gonna jump that fire hydrant.

Chris, don't! You're gonna wreck Dad's bike!

Too late, I already narrowed my eyes.

(Meg screams)

Chris, you idiot! Look at what you did!

You mean look what two black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike.

What were you kids thinking?!

You could have been killed!

It was Chris' idea. He talked me into it.

Is that right?

So you like taking dirt bikes that don't belong to you, huh?

Then here, have a whole carton of cigarettes!

W... What?!

Peter, that's not what this is about.

See how you like 'em!

Here, I'll even get you started.

(coughs)

Dad, I don't smoke.

Sure, you don't now. But keep at it.

You'll get the hang of it.

By the end of that pack, you'll be smoking like a real pro. Like a cool kid.

There, that's it.

Gettin' smoother, isn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah!

Wait till you try it after a meal. Delicious!

And after s*x? Forget about it.

It's like puttin' your pen1s to sleep in a feather bed.

I think I may want more cigarettes.

Oh, I'll get you more cigarettes.

But I'm pretty mad about my dirt bike!

Kids, I'm sorry to say this, but I think the two of you need to be punished.

Look, it was an accident, okay?

I mean, you can always buy another one, right?

Buy another one?!

You know, I don't think you kids appreciate how hard your father and I work to provide you with everything we do.

Sometimes you just seem to take us for granted.

You know, it's very difficult bein' a parent.

No, it's not.

You get to do anything you want.

And you get to make all the rules.

Damn right I do, 'cause I make the money!

I'm the big... mamoo around here!

Now, when you start bringin' in a paycheck and providin' for this family, then you can make the rules!

Well, I'd do a better job of it than you!

Oh, you think so, huh?

Well, maybe you'd like to try it for a little while.

You be the adults!

What do you mean?

I mean, maybe we try a little experiment.

You kids switch places with your dad and me.

For the next week, you'll be the parents and we'll be the kids.

Seriously?

Yeah, that'd be awesome!

That sounds great!

That's a great idea, Lois. Crisscross!

Yes, that is a crisscross.

Yes!

So we got a deal?

Yeah, we got a deal.

Face/Off!

No, Peter.

Road House.

Here's your breakfast, Lois.

Thank you, Mom.

Wh... Wh... What is... What is this? What's goin' on?

Oh, apparently, Chris and Meg are switching places with Peter and Lois for the week.

Myah!

Hey, Mom, do you mind if I go shoppin' with Jennifer after school?

No, Peter, no, no, you're still you.

Y... You're just a teenager. You're not switching genders.

Ah. I shall return.

Well, I'm off to work at the brewery.

Okay, have a good day, honey.

You know, Brian, you and I should do...

No.

Okay, it just, it... It... It... It looked fun.

All right, time to make all those popular kids pay for ignoring me!

Peter, no, y... You're just a normal high school kid.

Oh.

Hey, Lance, it's off, it's off, it's off, it's off.

(gunfire, screams over phone)

Throw this phone away, Lois!

Griffin, did you finish those reports I gave you?

Right here, Angela.

Wow. You know, I gotta say, when your dad told me about this whole switching places thing, I was kinda skeptical, but you're actually doing good work.

Well, it's a lot easier than high school, I'll tell you that.

Well, how do you mean?

High school's like Lord of the Flies.

It's a social nightmare.

And I hear Canadian high schools are even worse.

Well, well, look who matriculated to grade nine.

Someone wants to get into university.

Hey, guys, I'm sorry.

Well, you're gonna be "sore-y" when we put you in the hospital for free, eh?

(cheering)

I don't know what the kids are complainin' about.

This ain't so bad.

I know, this is fun.

I haven't been to a pep rally in years.

Do you have school spirit?!

Yeah!

Do you have school spirit?!

Yeah!

Who's got the most school spirit?!

I do!

Show me your school spirit!

(inhales)

The players will remember this while they're playing.

Hey, Mom, where the hell's dinner?

I'm starving.

Oh man, can you imagine the disaster she's gonna walk out here with?

She has no idea how hard it is to cook.

Yeah, yeah, I bet... I bet she comes out with just like...

Just like a poop on a plate, right?

Poop on a plate would be good, because at least there'd be traces of my food still in there.

Oh ho ho, snap! Snap! Snap!

Hey, guys?

Give her a (bleep) chance, all right?

Here it is, gang.

Seared ahi tostadas, grilled asparagus, couscous, and for dessert, molten chocolate lava cake.

Wait a minute.

Meg, when did you find the time to do all this?

Oh, I had all day to do this.

Mm.

Oh my God, this is delicious.

Wh... What do you mean "all day"?

Wh... What about all the housework?

I did it in like an hour. I don't understand why you're such a freakin' martyr all the time.

It's a house. It's a finite area. I'm not cleaning a town.

Hey, family, I'm home.

Ooh, that smells fantastic.

Hey, buddy, how was your first day in the real world?

It was actually really great.

And Angela even told me I might get a raise for doing such a good job.

Wow, guys, you hear that?

A raise. Hm, interesting.

Seems like the kids are doing pretty well at this grown-up thing, huh?

I would suggest that you suck that.

Wow, I am already so stuffed.

Guess I shouldn't have had so many action figure guns for lunch.

Well, hello, you two.

How's your little experiment going?

(sobbing): Horrible.

Three girls I don't care about made me cry in the bathroom.

Um, hey, you guys.

I bet you Lois Griffin doesn't make the track team, which is an important thing in high school right now.

Yeah, everyone who's anyone is running track at our high school right now.

Yeah, and I bet she also doesn't live on the south side of town, which is suddenly important.

(all laughing)

(sobbing)

I hate your north side face.

Lois, that's terrible.

My day was even worse.

I got pegged by a new form of spitball.

(mooing)

(gasping)

Boy: Hey, get up, you faker. It's just a spitball.

Hi, family, I'm home.

Oh, Chris, there you are.

Good, now that you're both here, your father and I have something to say.

Kids, we're callin' off the experiment early.

What? Why?

Because you were right.

Being a kid is a lot harder than bein' an adult.

High school sucks. Everything sucks.

So let's just put things back the way they were and just forget all about this, all right?

You kids go back to school, Lois goes back to groceries, I go back to my job.

That's not gonna work out, Dad.

Why not?

'Cause you don't have a job anymore.

What? Chris, what do you mean?

Angela fired you and hired me.

She said I've been doing twice as good a job as you did.

So from now on, I'm the breadwinner in this house.

Hey, I forget. Were you in for this or not?

Chris, you are not taking Peter's job.

You're a fourteen-year-old boy, and you belong in school.

Why, so I can get a job someday?

I already have a job.

Chris, we're not gonna allow you to do this.

I seem to remember somebody saying the breadwinner makes the rules.

Well, I'm the breadwinner. And you know what?

I like being a grown-up, and I wanna stay this way.

Well, Lois, practically speaking, somebody's gotta pay the bills around here.

Seems like you don't have a choice but to let Chris work at the brewery until Peter finds a new job.

Well, I suppose that makes sense.

I guess it could take Peter a long time to find a job in this economy.

Well, it may not be that bad, Lois.

I could see about getting back my old job as a police sketch artist.

Now, did you get a look at the man who assaulted you?

I did.

Okay, can I get a description?

Yeah, he was probably around 5'9", 5'10"?

Which is it, 5'9" or 5'10"?

I'd say 5'10".

Okay, we'll go 5'9" and a half.

And now, how old was he?

Late 30's, maybe 37.

I... I don't know, anywhere between 35 and 40.

Okay, well, let's say 37. How about ethnicity?

Yeah, he was Asian-American.

Asian-American.

Are we talking Korean? Are we talking Thai?

Are we talking Vietnamese?

Maybe Korean.

Could have been Japanese, but I... I think Korean.

Okay, Korean.

Now how about identifying characteristics?

Any... Any marks, piercings?

He may have had a tattoo.

He may have had a tattoo?

Did have a tattoo? Which one was it?

I... I don't know, it... It all happened so fast.

You know what? It's fine.

I have a preliminary sketch here.

Is this the man who assaulted you?

Peter, they're never gonna take you back.

You got fired for racist drawings.

I guess.

Hey, you know what else I draw really well? Bullwinkle.

I'd probably still be working if more crooks looked like Bullwinkle.

Early night, Griffin?

Well, actually, it's eight o'clock.

Well, did you finish all the accounts payable and the accounts receivable?

But that's not my department.

It is now.

The company's making cutbacks.

You can handle it, it's just a little extra paperwork.

Ugh. I am exhausted.

Can this day get any more stressful?

"Wanted: Muscular man for discreet pushing and pulling."

Well, I'm not above manual labor.

Oh, hi, Chris. How was your day?

You know what would be great?

If I could come home and have five minutes before you jump all over my back.

Also, she broke a plate.

And what about you? Did you get a job today?

(chuckles) I kind of got one.

Right, Lois? Right?

So, Chris, good day at the office?

You know, actually, Angela said that the spreadsheets I presented were beyond the projections for last quarter.

Oh, is that good?

You know what?! Never mind!

Now I'm mad at you!

Peter, I'm really worried about Chris.

All this pressure seems to be getting to him.

I know, he's turning into a jerk.

Oh, hey, Chris.

You wanna keep it down in here?

One of us has to work in the morning.

Chris, have you... Have you been drinking?

Yes. Have you been aging?

I want you two to do it right in front of me.

And I'm gonna throw forty bucks on your sweaty bodies when you're done.

Let's see the money.

Why do you guys hate me?

Ugh, that pain in my stomach is back.

Ow!

What? What?

What are you looking at?

I could fight you both.

You don't know what I go through every day.

(sobbing)

Now go to sleep, the both of you.

Peter (whimpering): I think we should go live with Mom.

Stewie: I just heard all of that, and I just wanna say this family is (bleep) disintegrating.

Oh, hey, Chris, by the way, the roofer came today while you were at work.

And?

It's gonna be five grand to fix it.

Oh that's just perfect.

I love spending $5,000 on something nobody can see.

Anyone got more happy news?

I'm gonna need a check for the dentist.

Peter has two cavities.

I'll bet if I go upstairs to that bathroom that toothbrush is as dry as a bone.

Sometimes I forget.

Anything else I should know about?!

Well, my science class is taking a field trip to the water purification center.

And?

And it costs ten dollars for lunch and the bus.

Ten dollars?

What... What the hell is it with that school that every time you walk in there somebody wants ten dollars?!

Look, I... I'm really sorry, but if we're that desperate for money, isn't there something we can do?

I mean, maybe we could ask to borrow some from Mr. Quagmire.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Like to see me walk next door, hat in hand, and ask him for money.

Bet you'd have your nose pressed against the glass to watch that conversation.

No, you know what? Instead, let's just go knock on all the doors of all our neighbors and tell 'em I'm a failure!

No, that's not what I...

No, no, no, it's a good idea.

Let's just go right now and tell everyone how much of a failure I am.

But I...

(knocking)

Quagmire: Oh, hey, Chris.

Chris: Meg has something she wants to tell you.

Meg: Chris, please, I'm sorry.

Chris: Say it!

Meg (crying): Chris is a failure.

Quagmire: Uh, okay.

Chris: Now we're going to the Swansons!

(Meg sobbing)

(Chris grunting)

(yelling)

Oh, my God! I think Chris is having a heart attack!

We're not aspose'ta leave the table.

Be cool, be quiet, be quiet.

All right, well, nothing to worry about.

Chris is going to be just fine.

Oh, Chris, I'm so glad you're okay.

What... What happened?

You had a heart attack, sweetie.

A heart attack?

Yeah, you almost worked yourself right into the ground, buddy.

Oh, it's all our fault. We never should have let you take on the pressure of being an adult.

It's okay, Mom.

Boy, I thought being a grown-up would be easier than being a kid.

But it turned out it was just as hard.

I guess what we all learned is that no matter who you are, or where you come from, life is a terrible thing.

Yeah, but if you got your family to help you get through it, it's not quite as bad.

And, hey, at least I get my old job back.

You know, from now on, let's not complain so much.

(all agreeing)

Hey, what do you guys do after the screen goes black?