Filibuster

Are you getting ready with Andy in London? You look lovely. I'm going to murder you a thousand times. Okay. What the hell? Someone's back from London, no, it's not the queen someone's back from London, it's not Mr. Bean Oh, my God. It's not the royal baby, I think his name is Jeff Stop singing! Kiss me! Oh, my God! What are you doing here? Just missed you so bad, honey, I bought myself a ticket home. You're never gonna need that computer again 'cause I'm home for, like, 19 hours. This is so sweet. Just like the old days. Take a hike, Jerry. It's Larry now. Okay, take a hike, Larry. Next order of business, Councilman Jamm proposes Bill 949-c. That's right, stretch, and looking mighty fly in that suit, brother. Okay, this excellent bill only allows someone to vote in a Pawnee election, for example, the upcoming recall election, if their I. D. lists an official Pawnee address. Really, councilman? Again? The recall election is coming up, and Jamm keeps trying to figure out ways to screw me over. Last week, he tried to have me listed on the ballot as "Leslie Buttface Hitler the Fourth. " All you're trying to do is disenfranchise the people from former Eagleton, people who will most likely vote for me because I saved a lot of their jobs. I move that we table the discussion until after the election. - Second. - Thank you! - Ah! - I'm so sorry. I just get excited when you like me. I put my career on the line by saving Eagleton, and he's trying to rob me of their votes? Those are my votes. I've earned them! I want them! Give me those votes! I don't have them on me. I can't believe Jamm tried to pull that crap. I can. He's a horrible monster. But let's focus on the more important issue. You want to squeeze in one more practice session? Oh, do I? Tonight, I am throwing Ben his dream birthday party, a roller skating bash with an early '90s theme. Ben lives for the early '90s. The music, the fashion. It's his favorite era. As for the roller skating-- I have a thing for women in skates. Okay? Everyone has a thing, and that's mine. As far as things go, it's pretty innocuous. Could be one of those dudes that kisses mannequins or whatever, but I like a woman in skates. A lot. Hey, Ann, Ann called. She wants her ugly outfit back. Why are you dressed as a pilgrim? Leslie said it was a "Come As You Were in the '90s" party. I assumed it was the 1690s. Babe, if it was the 1690s, we'd all be mummies. What do you think mummies are? Skeletons? - Oh, boy. - Hey. I just came straight from work, so I couldn't dress up. No problem. You look wiggidy-wiggidy- wiggidy-wiggidy-wonderful. Wait a minute. Pants on backwards. Kris Kross, right? Nice! What happens when you have to pee? I actually just went. I had to pull my pants all the way to the ground like a toddler. Nadia, the super hot doctor, has been hanging out with me for the last week. She's definitely out of my league. Actually, we're not even playing the same sport. It's kind of like she's in NBA and I work at a muffler store next to the stadium. I can't believe we met just before you have to go on your stupid vacation. I'm doing doctors without borders, man. I'm going to Rwanda. Exactly. That's a stupid vacation. Okay, well, why don't you win me that huge-ass bear as a going-away present? No problem. I'm a skee ball master. No way! Why don't you go pro? I don't know. I didn't want to be a cliche. Yet another professional Indian skee ball player? Right. Now that's what I call shooting. Is this a hunting game? Yeah, it's fun. You want to play? Indeed, I do. If you'd like, I could offer you some pointers. Hunting, Donna, is about silence, balance, and patience. Get ready. You know you're supposed to hit the deer, right? Ugh! Get it together, Swanson. Well, the game is absurd. This gun is lightweight, there's no sight, and we are far too close to these deer. Would they not smell us? I want my money back. How do I get my quarters? Oh, my God! You are such a sore loser. I am not a sore loser. It's just that I prefer to win, and when I don't, I get furious. Employee! Whoa! Watch this. Oh, that was brilliant. Sorry. You probably don't know what that means. You know how you Americans say "cool" when something's cool? Over in London, we say, "That's brilliant. " Speaking of London, you haven't told me anything about work. - You still love it? - Yeah, it's awesome. I'm kicking ass. I'm like Chuck Norris, only instead of crushing bad guys' skulls, I'm crushing documents. - That's great. - Yeah. Now be the Chuck Norris of making out with me. I'll karate punch your face with my tongue. - Prove it. - Hi-yah. Get this. I just asked the DJ what REM albums he has. He's got Monster, but not Automatic For the People. - Wow! - I know. It's like, what is this? A mid-'90s party? No. It's an early '90s party. Okay, Larry. Tell us how this looks. Ben wants to do a synchronized couple skate to Losing My Religion. Hit it! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! I'm sorry, but we have a problem. His name is Jeremy Jamm. Well, as noted in Article nine, Paragraph two-- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Jamm, I thought this bill was tabled? Yes, and I called a special session and un-tabled it. What's up with the roller skates? I was about to attend a roller skating birthday party for my husband, but this is more important. Yeah, I don't care. I'm a blades guy. Point of order! The councilwoman wishes to speak on this issue. Will the councilwoman yield her time so we can vote on this sucker? No, I will not yield. Nor will I yield for the rest of the evening. A filibuster? Are you dookin' on my chest right now? No! Gross! And yes, it's a filibuster. Okay? I am not willing to let you deprive me-- She's filibustering on roller skates? She's gonna be strapped into those things for hours. I know this is a dire situation, but I swear to God, this is like a crazy sex fantasy for me. How goes it? Pretty good, except I suck at skee ball. Well, that's too bad, 'cause if you don't win me that bear, you're dead to me. Understood. Hey, man, how many tickets for that bear, again? - 40,000. - 40,000? Oh, brother. All right, you're gonna be my lookout for a second. Hey, is he allowed to do that? No! Get off the ramp, dude! Hey! You're supposed to be my lookout. I thought it'd be funnier to watch you get busted. Hey, you're a doctor. You know snitches get stitches. I remember the first time I voted. I was in my bedroom, and I was five. I voted for Mildred, my stuffed pig, but my cat, pancakes, won. She had more funding. Politics, right? What are you gonna do? How long have I been talking? Three hours? No, eight minutes. Okay. Maybe you should yield the floor. Milton doesn't have a lot of time-- left on earth. Hey, just kidding, bud. Will someone open my crackers? The session ends at 11:00 P. M. She has to talk the whole time. She can't lean on anything for support, and no one else can help her. Three strikes and she is done. This is literally the most exciting thing that I've ever seen. I mean, think about it. Where else on earth would you rather spend your birthday with Leslie? Well, maybe the birthday party she's throwing for me right now. Everyone in Pawnee should have the right to vote. Whoa! As I dissect this important and profound statement, I'm just gonna take these off for a second. Bam, strike one. No sitting. Is the gong really necessary? Yes, it is. I love Chinese crap. Lucy Liu, Nintendo, Gangnam Style, sushi, et cetera, et cetera. Also, more importantly, it's in the rules. No sitting. Okay, fine. Well, the strike is worth it if I can take these off. Oh, man! Oh, my God! I had this exact bear when I was a kid! - Excuse me. - Uh-huh. How much does this bear cost? Okay, well, let's just assume that I'm an adult who doesn't have two weeks to play arcade games. What about 50 bucks? Yeah. Just don't tell my boss. - What are you doing, Morris? - Nothing, Mr. Bonderman. - Tuck in your shirt. God! - Sorry. Oh! You feeling it? Wow. You suck at this. Donna, please back up two paces so I can physically destroy this machine. Can you chill a little, man? It's not real hunting. It's just a game. That you happen to suck at. You know what? That's a good point. What? That you suck at this? That it's not real hunting. Come with me. I don't want you to go back to London. Just remember, every time you look up at the moon, I, too, will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously. That's impossible. See you on stupid Skype. I'm proud of Andy. This is the first time he's really gone out on a limb. I knew if he found something that he actually liked doing, he'd be happy, so I'm-- What the hell? Wha-- Hey! Perkins! What are you doing with my bear? I've been playing skee ball for, like, two hours trying to win that for Nadia. I just bought it for 50 bucks. When I was a kid, I taught myself how to make out on this bear, pretended it was Cockroach from The Cosby Show. Hey, what's going on here? Why does blossom have my bear? I bought it for myself, but apparently, he was trying to win it for you, so I'm sorry. I still got some tickets, though. I could get you, uh, a ninja turtle balloon or Cliffhanger on VHS. Oh, that's so sweet, but you're basically offering me garbage. Let's just skate. That bear was the only thing she was gonna have to remember me by in Rwanda. And if I know anything about Rwanda, and I don't, I bet it's full of rich guys who'll buy her whatever she wants. Hunting. No quarters required. Hang on. Do you have a license to hunt at night? 'Cause you need a license. I thought you were serious. Come on now. You know I don't give a [bleep]. As Ronald Reagan would say, "Well, mommy, I believe voting rights are important. " Does anyone else think it's hot in here? These overalls are really starchy. Yeah, maybe that's 'cause I turned up the heat to 90, and, uh, oh, the knob broke off in my hand. Oops. Well, speaking of heat, we should discuss America's white-hot passion for voting rights and the men and women who help protect them, like the local city councilwoman who is starving and thinking about her husband's Reservoir Dog- themed birthday cake and wanting to eat it really badly. Oh, this is not a good sign. Once she starts thinking about birthday cake, she's basically useless until she eats birthday cake. Democracy is not unlike a cake. It's layered, delicious, chocolate, and I want some. Okay, she's fading. Ben, we need to find a way to smuggle some mineral oil drops onto her tongue. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Excuse me. What the hell are you people doing here? We represent the citizens of former Eagleton. We're here to support Leslie Knope for preserving our voting rights. Thank you! You are all warriors of democracy. You know, it was the first mayor of Pawnee, in 1817, who said, "All we have is the right to vote and the right to kill Indians without consequence. " And I believe that half of that statement is still true today. All right! Second wind! Andy, I know you're in there. Andy, come on. Oh, hey. I was just-- just here in this dumpster 'cause I jumped in. Get out! We need to talk. About what? Fresh air, real weapons, an honest kill. There is no substitute for the real thing. You want to go back and play that video game, don't you? Yes! Damn it! It is so inspiring to see Eagletonians putting aside their prejudices. With support like this, Leslie Knope may stand a fighting chance on recall day. - Permission to hug you. - Granted. I should mention, though, that we're not voting to keep Leslie. What? We want someone from Eagleton to represent our interests on the new city council. Sir, I formally revoke our hug. Well, you can't. It happened. We stand on the side of Rosa Parks, and Gandhi, and Team Aniston. One small vote for Pawnee is one giant leap of voting for mankind. Hey! Hey, you're not allowed to receive help from the crowd. That's strike two. Hey, man, leave my gong alone. The reverb is the best part. If I save your right to vote, you're gonna vote for someone from Eagleton? Eagleton! Eagleton! Hey, Knope! Wrap it up! I'm not gonna yield. I just--I need some time to think. And because I must keep talking, I'm gonna think out loud. Okay, if Eagletonians vote for someone else, then it would be in my best interest to stop, right? So they can't vote. Uh, da-doy. Yield. Or I keep going, because the right to vote is fundamental in any democracy, and this is bigger than me or anyone. I don't care if I lose. No one prevents people in my town from voting. Not on my watch. The filibuster is on! Yeah! Okay. I can't go back to London. I'm totally in over my head on this project. Every day, someone comes up to me and says, "I need your approval on this, Mr. Dwyer. " "I need your signature, Mr. Dwyer. " "That's not a toilet, Mr. Dwyer. " But you said everything was going awesome. You said you were like Chuck Norris. I am, but I'm like Chuck Norris now-- some old guy with a beard who used to be good at karate but became a dumb has-been and is scared and confused about his big London job. Okay. The parallels between he and I are very eerie. I'm gonna tell you a secret about everyone else's job. Okay. No one knows what they're doing. I don't know how to run an animal control department. Half the documents I get I put right into the shredder because they're so boring. But you seem like you do know what you're doing. Yeah, I seem like it. Deep down, everyone is just faking it until they figure it out. And you will too, because you are awesome and everyone else sucks. - 30 minutes to go. - Oh, God, it's so hot. Almost as hot as the flames that Eagleton would have gone down in if I had not saved them. Mm, mm, mm. - That's-- - How I know you would love an ice-cold frozen marg. All I want is the promise of democracy. Sure about that? - I want that marg. - I know you do. - I want that Margarita. - Oh, it's gonna be so good. So cold. It's so cold. - I want to drink it. - Make that heat go away! Come on, get! Come on, girl. Get! Give me that Margarita! No! I want votes. Excuse me, worker, bring me a bucket of beers and four hot dogs. Please, and thank you. Why are you covered in blood? Don't worry. It's not human. I hope you've made peace with your God, small electronic deer. Kill it. Ann, I need that bear. I got to give Nadia something awesome so she'll remember me when she's in Africa. Tom, bear or no bear, she clearly likes you. Actually, how do you even get girls like her-- or me-- to go out with you? Scientists say the emotions of love and hate are very close to each other. That's what I tell women. The point is, she's leaving in two days. You want her to remember you? Go spend time with her and do something memorable, dummy! Thanks, Ann. I know conversations like this are hard for you 'cause you still have feelings for me, but you'll land on your feet, kid. - Run or I punch you. - No punchies! Okay, bye for real this time. Wait, wait, wait. I made you five bologna sandwiches in case you get hungry on the way to the airport. Did you-- Yes, I used cookies instead of bread. You think of everything. I love you. Love you too. Are you kidding me? - Andy! - Ha! Ha! Found it! I got--I left my wallet in here earlier, I guess. Whoo! All good now. Ooh, look! Noodles! No, no, no, babe. Babe, don't touch those. I've read the entire charter. There's no other way to get her a bathroom break unless we bring the bathroom to her-- that's nothing. I mean, she's not gonna make it. Look at her, she's dancing around like she's a character in one of those Peanuts cartoons. Okay, in these last few minutes, I would like to talk about the voting rights act of 1968 while clenching every muscle in my body. Sound good? Hey, Knope, how you feeling over there? You go pee-pee? Pee-pee times? Make wee-wee? Ten more seconds. Four, three, two, one! This session is adjourned. All pending matters are tabled. Yes! - You were amazing. - I love you, but move! I have to go to the whiz palace. Oh, wait! Eagleton! Eagleton! Oh! My beautiful curls! She didn't have time to hug me, but she could do that? Hey, Ann, can I talk to you for a second? About Tom? Sure. You guys look like you're having fun. Yeah, no, I really like him. I just wanted to say that I think you're really cool, and the fact that Tom dated you makes me think he's a really good guy. That's so sweet. Oh, okay. Wha--what are you-- - What the hell? - Now! Sorry, Ann, this is on you. You told us to make a memory. - There's your money back. - Let go! Suck it! This is $8! - Man, that was so much fun. - Yeah. Together, we truly did steal a toy from your pregnant friend. - Hey, can I ask you something? - Mm-hmm. I know we just met, like, two weeks ago and whatever, but is there any chance maybe, when you get back, we can maybe-- Ugh. Clingy. Oh, no. Sorry. No, no, no, no. I'm kidding. Of course I'll call you when I come back. - Really? - Yeah. So long, suckers! Hey! Quick! Ooh! Come on, come on, come on, come on! Now that's what I call shooting. - Come on! - That's a new record! Hey! Look at that! You finally made it in the top 10. Now you can enter your initials. My initials are private. Then just put in any three letters. Ass. Oh, my God! That was epic! I was peeing so freakin' hard, it was like a jacuzzi jet or-- - Hi, Leslie. - Hey! Ingrid! I wasn't talking about the velocity of my pee because you are a very smart and classy lady. Ben, you remember Ingrid de Forest from the former Eagleton. Yes, she was just telling me she's been nominated to run against you in the recall. Wow. Buzz kill. I know you must hate me right now, Leslie, and that's justified, but I need to thank you for what you just did in there. Not the forceful urination. The filibuster. Right, yeah. It was incredibly courageous, and it was selfless. And if I do win, I'm gonna have very big roller skates to fill. Could I take you out for a celebratory plate of-- I think you call them waffles? Wow, that is the best offer you could ever make, but I had to miss my husband's birthday party for this, so I think I'll be spending the evening with him. - A rain check, maybe. - Please. I'm sorry your birthday party got all screwed up. Maybe I should put those roller skates back on. Well, you must be exhausted. We don't have to go to the party. Oh, we're not going to the party. We're going home. Then why would you need to put on rollerskates? Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! We're just-- we're just--skates