The Bloody Future

(Several different TV shows are seen with a Vampire theme to them)

Announcer: By the year 2013, due to an insatiable desire of audiences everywhere almost every television show involved vampires.

(A graph is shown and says that non-Vampire shows get less viewers)

Announcer: And the ones that didn't failed miserably. Now, we offer you a glimpse of this very bloody future.

(A tall hospital building is seen as lightning occurs)

Nurse: This week on Vampire Medical.

(A patient with a gunshot wound in his chest is seen with two doctors and two nurses trying to save him)

Nurse: Gunshot wound. He's losing blood fast!

Vampire Medical Doctor: Let's get him a blood transfusion. Stat!

Nurse: We're all out of blood again, doctor.

Vampire Medical Doctor: Dammit! Who here keeps drinking all the blood?

(All three of the staff raise their hands)

Vampire Medical Doctor: Alright. We're probably gonna lose the man. Might as well get together and drink all of his blood.

(The four staff members increase their fangs and start eating through his stomach)

Patient: Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

(A game show is seen in progress where the board says "I Want T_ Suck Y_ur Bl__d")

Contestant: Is it "I want to suck your c***"?

(The werewolf smacks himself knowing she's clearly stupid)

(A kid is seen being kidnapped by a sea creature)

Kid: Help!! Help me!!

Lifeguard #1: We've gotta save that kid.

Lifeguard #2: We can't! We'll be burned in the sunlight!

Lifeguard #3: I'm wearing SPF 100. I'll give it a shot!

(Lifeguard #3 steps away from the umbrella and struggles to get to the kid)

(She begins to burn from the sun)

Lifeguard #3: F***! (Lifeguard #3 falls to the sand in ashes)

Baseball Announcer: It's a 3 and 2 to Derek Jeter. Here's the pitch and it's a base hit straight up the middle, but Jeter trips on his cape. So does Rodriguez. Martinez runs to make what should be an easy stop but he trips on his cape too! Again the cape issue rears its ugly head in Major League Baseball.

(All of the baseball players seem to trip over their capes and fall to the ground)

(Martha Stewart is seen in a kitchen making a dinner for TV viewers)

Martha Stewart: It's literally impossible to make good pasta without garlic. But since I'm a vampire or whatever, I don't use garlic, because vampires don't use garlic, and my producer said I need to be a vampire. This-This is ridiculous. Do I really need to be a vampire?

Producer: Yeah, Martha. It's a network rule. Sorry, yeah it's a vampire.

Martha Stewart: Fine, I'm a stupid vampire. (Martha holds up her arms and increases her fangs)

(The members of REO Speedwagon are seen sitting together)

Announcer: Vampires are very big right now. Would you say REO Speedwagon are a lot like vampires? Ya know? cause you suck.

Neal Doughty: *sigh* Oh, great. Another ambush interview. *whistle* Hey! Bring the Speedwagon around! We're outta here!