Rock TV

Rock TV

Submitted by Fungiman

(The scene takes place in Neon Castle.)

Koopa: Hmm... I haven’t done anything really rotten in a long time! Not since yesterday. There must be something truly, totally depraved, evil, and sedulous scheme I can use to take advantage of those stupid cave people. Hahahaha! Let me think. What did I learn in the real world?

(There is a flashback. Koopa is looking through the window and sees some people watching TV.)

Koopa: What’s the one thing most likely to rock people’s minds and reduce their brains to mashed potatoes? I remember now! Television! But there’s no TV in the stone age. It hasn’t been invented yet!

(Suddenly, three weird-looking lightbulbs appear above Bowser’s head.)

Koopa: Ah! I have it!

(Later with the Mario gang...)

Oogtar: Looky doo! Come see!

(Mario, Luigi, and the princess raise their shoulders. Later, near a giant television set made out of stone…)

Mario: Do my eyes deceive me, or is that the biggest television set I ever saw in my life?!

Luigi: But there’s nothing on!

Mario: Maybe they forgot to plug it in!

(Meanwhile with Koopa, Kooky and Cheatsy struggle to put a funny-looking costume on Bowser and they collapse.)

Koopa: Hurry up there! I got to go on right away!

(Koopa hops onstage wearing the costume.)

Koopa: Hi everybody! I’m Robbie Rockwell and I’m here today to tell you about Rock TV!

(Cavemen start to cheer.)

Oogtar: Rock TV? Hey man! What’s that?

Koopa: You say what’s that? I’m glad you asked! On Rock TV, friends, you can watch all kinds of wonderful shows! Great shows like… Mr. Koopa’s Neighborhood!

Yoshi: Ooh hahoo! Fungabunga!

Koopa: We got the World's Dinosaur Wrestling Federation!

(Cavemen start to cheer again.)

(Suddenly on the TV, which is really a stage with sides so it kinda looks like a giant TV, two pathetic-looking dinosaur cardboard figures start shaking.)

Cavemen: Boo! Boo! Get outta here, come on!

Koopa: Okay okay, next time, we’ll have the real thing. How about this? Totally hip… Rock Rock TV!

(Music plays.)

Oogtar: Far out! Dinobunga!

Koopa: With stars like Vanilla Ice Age!

Oogtar: Ice Age Baby!

Koopa: Now, here’s the really big news: You can enjoy all this with your very own Rock TV and in your very own cave!

Cavemen: Yay! Yay! Yay!

Luigi: How do we get one?

Mario: Ahem… more importantly, how much?

Koopa: You ask how? You ask how much? You can get your own Koopasonic Rock TV, and it’s all yours with a measly ten coins, and a coin a minute!

(Later…)

Mario: Hmm… Ten coins down! Heheha! That’s cheap!

Luigi: But a coin a minute? That’s gonna happen fast!

There's a flashback. Mario and Luigi appear as Mario looks at a piece of paper.)

Luigi: Remember that trouble we got into in that street to Santa hotline back in Brooklyn?

Mario: Ahh! Phone bill… Amount due: $1295 and 31 cents?!

(Mario faints. The flashback ends.)

Mario: Hey! That was when we had to work for a living! Now all we got to do is bash a few blocks and rake in the buckaroo!

Koopa: Next!

Luigi: (whispering) Hey Mario! How come his mouth doesn’t move when he talks? [Koopa is still wearing the costume]

Mario: Maybe he’s been watching too many cartoons!

(Rimshot sound.)

Mario: Who cares? I want my Rock TV!

(Mario gives Bowser some coins.)

Mario: Ten clams! I mean ten coins!

Koopa: Clams, coins, old socks… we’re giving them away! Here’s your Rock TV, sir, have a nice day!

Mario: Uh… where’s the remote?

Koopa: Uh… you gotta be in the waiting list! It will be out in a 1000 years! In the meantime, just add money, kick back, and enjoy!

(Koopa slaps Luigi on the rear.)

Bowser: Next!!!

(Later...)

Princess: Well, count me out! Yoshi and I are going out for a nature walk!

Yoshi: But… but!

(Yoshi is pulled out the door.)

Mario: Hey! Maybe we’ll see you in PBS!

Mario puts in a coin. The scene shifts inside the TV and reveals a Magikoopa which shoots at the “screen”.

Mario Brothers: Whoa! Ugh…

Koopa: Now it’s time for everyone’s favorite Kooparific show, Koopa Says! Alright everybody! Koopa says hop on your feet! Time to trim all that ugly fat! Now, Koopa says jump up and down and kick your legs around! Come on, you lazy cake potatoes! Koopa says… cluck like a chickendactyl!

Oogtar’s Family: Buck buck buck back! Buck buck back!

Koop: Don’t ya love it? Haha! Now here’s a real special game Koopa wants everyone to play! Listen up real good!

(Back in Mario’s house, Mario’s TV breaks down.)

Mario: Hey! Our TV’s broken!

Luigi: Maybe we got to add coins!

(On other TVs...)

Koopa: Koopa says everyone go to the dome castle and get Mario and Luigi! And bring them to me!

Mario: Nah! Worthless Koopa junk!

(Mario tosses the TV in water.)

Luigi: What’s that sound?

Mario: Cave people with clubs! They’re storming the castle!

(Later in the giant TV area...)

Koopa: Well, my fine flushing fools! You are two lucky plumbers! You are gonna be TV stars!

Mario: Hmph! Thanks a lot friends!

Luigi: TV stars? What’s da show?

Koopa: All-Stars Prehistoric Tag-Team Wrestling!

(Hip and Hop ring the bell.)

Big Mouth: Welcome to All Star Prehistoric Wrestling! A fringe gladiatorial spectacle, a fabulous fight to the finish! In this corner, in the pink and purple, Tyrannosaurus Rubble Brothers, weighing at 1900 pounds each, totally terrible, and gruesome, high heavily thunderous, thundering, powering, towering, rusting, ripping, tall-heavy, top by top, disco, hip hop, hop hip-

Koopa: Hop this, turkey mouth!

Big Mouth: Wait! I’m just about to finish, big fin, big finish! In this corner, the Tyrannosaurus Twins! A terrific twosome, a terrifying-

(Big Mouth is thrown out of the ring by Koopa while continuing to talk. Cavemen cheer in relief. Big Mouth climbs back onstage.)

Big Mouth: Thank you, thank you! And in this corner, in the few college world of Brooklyn, in that nomadically Real World...

Mario and Luigi: Huh?

Big Mouth: ... these two fat fumbling, fraud, [weird word I don’t understand, so I didn’t write it] freaks, those forever foolish birdbrains...

(Big Mouth ends with more nonsense words and a wrestler throws him offstage for good.)

Big Mouth: Yahhhh!!!

Koopa: Ladies and gentlemen! The mindless Mario Bros.! Well?

Cavemen: BOO!!!

(Hip and Hop ring the bell. Koopa pushes Mario onstage.)

Mario: Unf! Leapin’ lasagna! Luigi, look at the size of this guy!

Luigi: It’s alright! He wants to shake hands! He wants to be friends!

Mario: Hey! Let’s be pals! Ha! You’re my kind of reptile!

(The dinosaur throws Mario high.)

Mario: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!!! Luigi! Watch out!

(Another dinosaur pushes Luigi onstage and catapults him in.)

Luigi: Yiiii!!!

(The first dinosaur throws Mario at Luigi while he is flying. Mario and Luigi bump into each other and somehow switch clothes.)

Luigi: Aie!

Mario: I don’t know how these guys do it on TV! I’m getting hurt! I’m bruised everywhere!

Luigi: I’m bruised everywhere! Twice!

Princess: Oh! This is terrible! Yoshi! We got to save them! But how? If only I can get a Feather in one of those blocks… But how do we get up there?

Yoshi: Quick! Princess jump on Yoshi!

(The song Ready to Go starts.) [Lyrics added by Hip.]

Gonna jump higher Than ever before Reach for the top of the sky (reach) Gonna cheer for the winner Yell for more (oh yeah more) Right now it's do or die Ready (ready ready) Ready to go Ready for a big KO Ready (ready ready) Ready to go Ready for a big KO Of the dinosaur (a ha ha big ol' KO) Ready for a big KO Of the dinosaur (a ha ha)

(While the song is playing, the princess hits a block and a bunch of small Marios come out. They jump right in front of Kooky, Hip, Bully, and Big Mouth, who chase the Mario clones. Princess hits another block and a Feather comes out. Mario takes the Feather and cape spins Koopa out of the ring. Mario beats the dinosaurs and frees Luigi. Yoshi jumps out and eats everyone’s Rock TVs.)

Oogtar: Hey! Dumb dinosaur! No eating Rock TVs!

Yoshi: Oh! Sorry! But taste so good! But feeling inside! Gaggle!

(Yoshi spits out a Magikoopa.)

Yoshi: Mmm! Big lunch!

Mario: Nice going Princess!

Princess: Don’t mention it Mario! Thanks to us, Koopa finally gave everyone a show worth watching!

Luigi: It’s not over yet!

(Yoshi eats the giant TV block by block.)

Koopa: Time out! Stop!

(The TV collapses on top of Koopa.)

Koopa: Oh no!!!

Yoshi: Oh sorry! Yoshi eat up and get you out, okay?

Koopa: Maybe you can eat a little faster...

The End