Dim Lit Ed

''[Jimmy is playing in the grass. He runs forward and somersaults.]''

[Edd is emptying a ladybug jar out onto the grass.] Edd: "Be brave, fine fellow!" [The insect crawls onto a large blade of grass before Edd's eyes.] "Out of the incubator and passed on into the world. Let's try to adapt, shall we?" [He watches it eat.] "By George, he's assimilated!" [Jimmy, still rolling, runs over the ladybug.] Jimmy: "Whee!" Edd: "Guyuh." [Shocked, he looks at the empty blade of grass.] "JIMMY, STOP!" Jimmy: [sitting up] "Hello?" [Edd pokes through his person.] Edd: "Stay perfectly still! Somersaulting is a wild and disreputable sport, young man. Let's hope your carelessness didn't harm the innocent." [He pulls out the ladybug.] "See? You could've crushed this poor arthropod." Jimmy: "Was that on me?" Edd: "Jimmy, the grass conceals a microworld, home to thousands upon thousands of fascinating insects! It just hitched a ride in your hair to–" Jimmy: [scared] "Creepy-crawly! They're all around me! They're all around me! Bugs! Sarah! Help!" [Jimmy runs away, scared out of his mind.] Edd: "Well, Jimmy's lack of good judgement is quite evident." [He runs into a pair of dangling legs.] "Jonny, not again!" Jonny: [stuck in a tree] "Yup, this happens to me a lot, Double D." Edd: "Didn't you learn from your past mistakes, Jonny? After all, it's just common sense." Jonny: "I guess not." [He chuckles.] Edd: "Can I help in any way?" Jonny: "No thanks. Plank already went for help." [Edd looks at the prone, motionless Plank, lying about two yards behind Jonny.] Jonny: "He'll be back around a freckle past a hair." Edd: "In-trest-ing." [He walks away.]

Edd: [walking down the sidewalk] "It may just be coincidence, but it seems good judgement is at a premium today." [Ed bursts out of his front door, carrying a belt.] Ed: "Snake! Snake! I got it Eddy I got it!" Eddy: "Watch it, Ed! It might bite!" Ed: [holding the belt over his eyes] "It has blinded me with its venom!" [He ties his face up.] Eddy: "Pull it off, Ed!" Ed: "It is slippery, Eddy!" [Ed wrestles with it, finally throwing the belt to the ground, where it lands between Ed and Eddy.] Eddy: "Did you see that thing lunge at us?" Edd: "That is a belt." Ed: "I heard it hiss, Double D." Edd: "Impossible, Ed." Eddy: [prodding the belt with his foot] "It ain't movin much." Edd: "It's a belt! For crying out loud, it secures your pants!" Eddy: [jiggling it] "Sure looked like a snake. Hey! I bet we could sell this thing as an exotic pet!" Ed: "I'd buy it." Edd: "That's it, I don't wanna hear any more!" [ranting] "The academic level of this cul-de-sac is dropping like a lead weight! If we don't provide ourselves with some sort of mental stimulation, we'll all be reduced to protoplasm!" Eddy: [ignoring Edd] "Hey Lurch, with a little paint, that football could look like an alligator." [Edd, scared, begins to sweat.] Edd: "You need help. You all need help!" ''[He runs away. Ed and Eddy look at each other and shrug.]''

[Kevin is walking down the lane.] Rolf: [offscreen] "Come, Kevin." Kevin: "Forget it, man. I don't walk with pigs." ''[The camera shifts forward to reveal that Rolf is walking Wilfred. Jonny's head is stuck in the pig's mouth.]'' Jonny: "I can hear the ocean, Plank!" [Wilfred starts, and the procession comes to a halt.] Kevin: "What the heck's that supposed to be?" Eddy: "Don't get too close! Our pet alligator might attack in the blink of an eye." [The football has become an alligator.] Kevin: "That's no alligator." Eddy: "What do you know? Didn't you see it move?" ''[The object starts to move backward. Wonderously]'' "It's really moving." Ed: "Let's sing a song!" Jimmy: [nervous] "Someone stop that monstrosity!" Jonny: "Let's catch it and put it in a box!" [He runs after it.] Nazz: "Hurry, Kevin!" [The kids all go after the alligator.] Sarah: "Feed it a rock!" Rolf: "Let Rolf wrestle the beast!" Eddy: [pleased by this unexpected turn of events] "We're sitting on a gold mine, Ed!" Ed: "E-I-E-I-O!"

''[Edd is holding a fishing rod. He reels in the alligator as the kids arrive. He has set up a makeshift classroom.]'' Edd: "Attention. Your attention, thank you." [He walks behind the desk.] "Please be seated." ''[The kids take their seats. Edd draws a diagram on the board of an alligator and then begins the lecture.]'' Edd: "Good day, class. First lesson is how to differentiate between an alligator and a recreational toy." [Edd rips the parts off of the football, revealing it as a forgery.] Eddy: [nervous] "He's wrecking everything, Ed!" Edd: "Eddy." [He comes over to their seats in the back.] "Nazz, please switch seats with Ed." ''[Ed gets up mopily, thinking he's being punished. Nazz comes over and takes Ed's seat, and Eddy goes silent.]'' Nazz: "Hi, Eddy." [Eddy sweats.] Edd: [resuming his teaching position] "That is just one example of the alarming decline in rational thinking that–" ''[A ripping sound is heard. Rolf is seen chewing some black gunk.]'' "Rolf!" Rolf: "Hallo?" Edd: [outraged] "Get rid of that gum." Rolf: "This is no gum. It is the grease of Papa's foot soakings." Edd: [angry] "Now!" [to the class] "Look around you! Our break from school has turned us into lumbering, nonsensical ninnies!" [Rolf sticks the foot soakings to Plank.] "My apologies for being so blunt." [Kevin raises his hand.] "Yes, Kevin." Kevin: "So, what you're saying is...you're a dork?" [The kids burst out laughing.] Edd: "I see a visual aid is in order." [Edd puts a dunce cap on Kevin.] Kevin: [fists raised] "That's it!" [Eddy pulls the cap down below Kevin's chin.] Eddy: "What a dunce!" ''[The kids laugh. Kevin slams his head into Eddy's chest, knocking him back.]'' Nazz: "Boy Kevin, that was stupid." Edd: [getting out some envelopes] "My sentiments exactly, Nazz. I've come up with a scavenger hunt to help stimulate your minds." [He gives the stack of envelopes to Sarah.] "Note: each envelope contains a list of clues. Solve these clues, collect the object that relates to that clue, and earn a grand prize!" Nazz: "What's the prize, Double D?" Jonny: "Is it wood varnish?" Jimmy: "Shiny tweezers?" Sarah: "A new brother?" Rolf: "It must be a jawbreaker." Eddy: "Jawbreaker?" Rolf: "Glistening with sugar like sweat on Nana's upper lip." Edd: "Actually, Rolf, it's a–" Rolf: "Rolf accepts the challenge!" Jimmy: "Oh goodie, a hunt!" [The kids rush off to begin searching.] Nazz: "Hurry up, Kevin!" Edd: "The pursuit of wisdom and mental cultivation! This should–" Eddy: "Cough up the jawbreaker!" Ed: "Hello!" Edd: "No!" [He slips out from between his friends.] "But you don't understand!" [Eddy attacks him.] Eddy: [gleefully] "But where'd you stash it, Double D? Where?" [Ed jumps on them.] Ed: "I am back!" [He puts Eddy in a headlock.] "Say 'toy boat' three times really fast." Edd: [strangled] "In order to recieve the prize you'll need to win the hunt." Ed: "Toy boat, toy boat, toy–" [Eddy punches him.] Edd: [waving a sheet of paper] "Read the clues, Eddy." [Eddy snatches the paper.] Eddy: [cynical] "Clue Number 1: When I grow up, I want to be a tree." [He pauses.] "This is so stupid!" Edd: "Absorb the clue, Eddy. I want to be a tree?" ''[Eddy sweats cluelessly. Ed looks at the clue.]'' Ed: "Ooh! I know, I know!" [He runs away.] Eddy: "You show em, Monobrow!" [to Edd] "Ha! Too. Easy." Ed: "I win!" [He places a slice of melon on the ground.] "Jawbreaker, please." Edd: "Ed, why would a watermelon want to be a tree?" Ed and Eddy: "Jawbreaker please!" Edd: "You're not even close!" [He walks over to a tree.] "A tree." [He plucks an acorn from a branch.] "Oh, look! An acorn!" [pretending to converse with the acorn] "Wait, yes? Uh-huh? Okay, I'll tell them." [to his friends] "I'm a little acorn, and when I grow up, I want to be a TREE! Acorn–becomes a tree!Acorn–becomes tree! Acorn–tree!" Eddy: "This is gonna take–"

Sarah: "Forever, Jimmy." [She and Jimmy are in the park, hunting for answers.] "This is stupid!" Jimmy: "Oh don't say that, Sarah. Jonny's already ahead of us, see?" [Jonny is indeed carrying a stuffed bag.] Jonny: [picking up a can] "Yup, it's a tin can all right. Boy, Plank, you're a brainiac!" [He stuffs it in the bag.] Sarah: [grabbing Jonny] "What's the answer to the first clue?" Jonny: [scratching his head] "Beats me. Plank and I thought we'd just collect stuff. Like this paper!" [Jonny takes the paper and begins to walk away.] Sarah: "Hey! Give that back!" ''[She begins to chase Jonny. Meanwhile, Nazz is putting acorns in a sack.]'' Kevin: "Nazz, this is so stupid." Nazz: "You're not even trying, Kevin. Don't you want to win that jawbreaker?" Kevin: "What for? I got a whole garage full of jawbreakers, remember?" [Nazz looks at the clue sheet, suddenly realizing how futile the whole exercise is.] Nazz: "This is stupid." ''[Kevin and Nazz race out of the park. Jimmy cries alone.]'' Rolf: "Why do you cry, feeble one? You must shed tears of joy, as Rolf is victor of this scavenger hunt." ''[Rolf's bag is completely filled. Jimmy looks inside, and two beets roll out.]'' Jimmy: "This bag is full of beets." [He picks up a beet.] "What clue is beets?" Rolf: "Know nothing! The humble beet is the answer to all riddles." [He puts his beets back.] "You bore Rolf! Rolf must claim his prize!" [He runs towards the lane.] Jimmy: "Sarah! Rolf is cheating!"

Ed: "Pink belly!" [He slaps Edd's belly.] "Pink belly!" [Edd's stomach is slapped again.] "Pink belly!" Edd: "Ed, please!" [He gets hit again.] "Stop it, Ed!" Eddy: "You know how to make Ed stop, Double D. Tell us where ya hid the jawbreaker!" Edd: "I can't do that, Eddy. I'd be denying you both an opportunity to learn." Eddy: "Ed?" Ed: "Pink belly!" [slap] "Pink belly!" [slap] "Pink belly!" Edd: "THERE IS NO JAWBREAKER!" ''[Ed drops Edd. Rolf enters the lane.]'' Rolf: "No jawbreaker? Swindlers! You promised Rolf the jawbreaker!" Edd: "No, Rolf. If you recall, I did not use the word 'jawbreaker'." Sarah: "RIP-OFF ARTIST!" Jimmy: "Ooh you're gonna pay." Edd: "Now now, I assure you, there is a prize. Something far more valuable than a jawbreaker." [The kids perk up.] "Are you ready? The reward of higher learning!" [He pulls out a valueless diploma.] "This diploma will–" [A beet smacks him in the head.] Sarah: "Nice shot, Rolf." ''[She hands Rolf another beet. Jonny arrives, bruised and battered.]'' Jonny: "Are we too late for the prize?" Sarah: "Nope! One moment, please." [She pours the contents of the bag out over Edd.] "Break it up, boys." Edd: "There's a lesson to be–" [a tin can hits him in the face] "–learned here, gentlemen." Eddy: [picking up a sprinkler] "Check it out, Ed! This looks just like an iguana!"

''[The Eds are running an exotic pet stand. Kevin picks up the redecorated sprinkler.]'' Kevin: "Is this thing supposed to be dead?" Eddy: "The iguana ain't dead, windbag. It's just–uh–" [He elbows Edd, waiting for an explanation.] Edd: "Sleeping like a baby, Kevin. That'll be twenty-five cents." Jonny: "Sold!" [He slaps down a quarter and carries the iguana away.] Edd: "I'm surrounded by idiots." Eddy: "Who's complaining?" ''[Further down the driveway, Ed is acting as a snake charmer. He uses the belt as a snake and his toes to manipulate the false snake for an enraptured audience consisting of Rolf.]'' Rolf: [amazed] "Oh! Oh! I see it, but Rolf cannot believe it! Oooh! Oh!"

For Shawn "Wilfred" Godin.

1979–2001