Less Money, Mo' Problems

(upbeat march plays) ♪ Good morning, USA! ♪ ♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ ♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪ ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ Aah! ♪ Good morning, USA! ♪ (tires screeching, gunshot) (sighs) Jeff and Hayley are killing me! I don't care if you are Sean Connery, that's my jet ski. (tires screeching, music playing over TV) Shh! Dad, Jeff worked a long day, and now all he wants to do is watch Bones and relax. DAVID BOREANAZ (over TV): Hey, Bones, look at this bone. EMILY DESCHANEL: I know. But did you see this bone? Where'd you find that bone? Same place you got your bone. It was just sitting here, next to this bone. WOMAN: Dr. Brennan, bone call. They said it was important. Something about a bone? (sniffs) Morning, Mr. S. You mind keeping that running? I'm 'a need to rinse off. (growls) Can I get the syrup? Oh, sure thing, Mr. S. Let me just... (bottle makes farting sounds) That's it! I can't live like this anymore! Stan. He took all the syrup! I asked for the syrup and he took all the syrup! I work hard! Why do I have to share with these (bleep)?! Dad, Jeff and I want to move out just as bad as you want us to. But I'm going to school full-time and Jeff's already working double shifts at the Koo Koo Ranch. I'm only making minimumwage. Give me a break, the minimum wage is plenty for you guys to live on. No, it's not. After taxes, Jeff only makes $938 a month. That's almost a thousand dollars, a cold G. I could easily live on that. I'd love to see you try. Yeah, me, too. Are you calling me out, Jeff? You calling me out, Jefe? Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Francine and I are going to live out of this house for one month on $938, just to prove to you guys how easy it is. If we succeed, then you two mooches have to move out. Oh, you are on. I don't know, Stan. A reverse Brewster's Millions? Is this really necessary? Absolutely. Okay, a reverse BM it is. Hey, that came out funny. (gasps) Was that a joke, do you think? (engine revving) (tires screeching) Childish ***! Losers! Pushing a toy across the floor is nothing like driving a real Ferrari. Shut up, Klaus! You don't know. You don't know what you're talking about. What do you know? I know because I drove a real Ferrari. Testarossa Spider. Bright yellow. Topless down the Autobahn. Ah. You two will never know how that feels. People like you don't drive Ferraris. You just push little ones with your hand, like playing with yourselves. And just like playing with yourselves, it can never compare to the real thing. I'm talking about hot fur, gentlemen. Hot fur and Ferraris-- not for you two! (laughs) Speaking of, I got to pack. I'm headed to Vegas in an hour. You're going to Vegas? With who? Oh, some of my boys. My boy Larry owns the night club Tao, so, you know, we should have a pretty good time. Here's your $938 in cash. Enjoy your month of poverty. And enjoy your last month of sucking money from my veins like a leech that attached itself to my leg in the, uh... Big-Big Mooch Swamp, near, um... (sighs) Looking for a town name that also implies-- Freeloadburg! (chuckles) Uh-uh, you can't take the SUV. You could never afford that on minimum wage. Then, how are we supposed to get to the apartment we found? The same way the maids get around. (gasps) We can't ride on the bus. We're white. Francine, it's fine. But when we come back in 30 days, you two freeloaders better start packing. (ranchero music playing) (making car noises) Hey, Rog, I was thinking about taking a joy ride on a Brazilian topless beach. That is, if your imagination's up for it. Klaus was right, it's embarrassing playing with that toy car. We're not doing it anymore! (grunts) I'm sorry, Steve. The fish has just got me all twisted. Can't believe Klaus has done something that I haven't. So, why don't we just drive a real Ferrari then? If I could afford one, do you think I'd be living in this attic?! (panting) I'm sorry, Steve. I-I'm just... boom! (gasps) (chuckles): I'm sorry, Steve. That was building. Th-That was physics is all that was. I just can't stand that Klaus has driven a real Ferrari. Maybe one of us knows someone with a Ferrari? Are you testing me?! Do you want another piece of pie?! Hey, "test." There it is, of course. All we have to do is test-drive a car. Why? Because, if we're going to test drive Ferraris, we need to look the part. Like Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman, when he convinces that sales guy to let him and Chris O'Donnell take a car. Interesting fact: Chris O'Donnell, no mental handicap. I just love the original details in these old buildings. This place is perfect. For $350 a month, we'll take it. $350? No, this is $1,250. Not according to this listing. Mm-hmm, okay. You all are looking for 1345 South Sycamore. This is North Sycamore. Neighborhoods always get worse when you head south. How far south is it? (drawn out): South. (sirens wailing in distance) Well, here we are. (clattering) I like it. (knocking) (pounding) MAN: Charlotte! Charlotte, I know you in there, ***! WOMAN: Leave me alone! (sobbing) It's okay, it'll be okay. We have light. L-Look at me. As long as we have light, we're okay. (pounding) MAN: Open, ***! Oh, can't we just let Jeff and Hayley live at the house? And encourage their freeloading lifestyle? No way! Look, it's just one month. We'll get used to it. (gunshot, woman screams) MAN: Oh, back you go! (gunfire) (woman screams) (gunfire) (screams) It's okay. It's over, Francine. She's dead. She's finally dead. She's dead now. (labored panting) New plan, baby. New Pontiac Aztek plan. What? We can't live there. That's how dumb people live on minimum wage. This is how smart people live on minimum wage. So we're going to live in a car? It's not just a car, it's a tent on wheels. But how can we afford this? We only have $938 for the whole month. I only paid 400 bucks for this bad boy. 400? How? Well, first I had to find a Pontiac dealership, which wasn't easy. Then I told them I wanted to buy an Aztek. Then I paid them $400. So, between the car and the money we wasted on that apartment, we have less than $200 left. What are we supposed to eat? Potatoes and rice. Cheap, and enough to last us the whole month. Whoa, whoa, easy boy. W-What do you want? (gunshot) Y-You want us to dance? Is that what you want? He wants us to dance, Francine. Dance, Francine! Dance to stay alive! Is this what you want?! Is this how you like it?! (imitating Al Pacino): Afternoon. My associate and I are here to test drive your Ferraris. Uh, sorry, sir, but we don't just let these cars out the door so easily. What's your quota, Freddy? What? My name's Andrew. How many Ferraris you sell this month, though? Freddy, the '80s are over. Are you trying to tell me these things are just walking out of the store? I said my name is Andrew. L-Look, people always want to buy Ferraris. Well, if you like it that much, why don't you sleep with it? Why you selling it? That's an odd thing to say. If this car performs the way I expect it to, you will get a certified check of 101,000 and change when you come in here tomorrow morning. This is a $320,000 car. Freddy, for you, 107 all in. Plus a case of champagne to go with your leftover turkey. Uh, okay, I feel like you're quoting something. I-I don't feel like I'm in on the joke, though. Don't worry about the boy. He drives so smooth you can boil an egg on the engine. When we bring the car back, I'll peel the egg for you. We're not having a real conversation, are we? Y-You're just waiting for me to finish so you can say your next thing. Freddy, you're no spring chicken, are you? Come on, man, you don't have to do this. Two thousand. And unless you take it, you're gonna make me cry. I'm a gray ghost, too. I can't believe that worked. This is amazing! So, where are we going? To find Klaus, so he can see exactly what's up. Find us some kick-*** driving music, compadre. (rock music playing over radio) (ragtime jazz music playing) Yeah! (tires screeching) (wind whistling) (both shivering) I can't get warm. I know what'll warm us up. Sex. No, Stan. Those homeless people are watching us. It's okay. Francine, we don't have much, but we do have each other. I think we should sex each other. I don't want to sex, Stan. Go away! Is this what you want for Hayley? Is this how you want her to live? You mean young and free, listening to great music, surrounded by a community that's looking out for each other? You sure, Francine? It's awfully refreshing. I'm depressed. I'm gonna go take a nap in the car. Wait. Where's the car? STAN: No. No, that's where we live. No! Stan, it's time to go home. And let Jeff and Hayley win? Never! Look, Francine, I know things look bleak, but if we stick together and believe in each other, we can overcome anything. I just need to find a place to take a (bleep). (laughter) I got back to the room at, like, 6:00. The sun was definitely up. I seriously can't go to strip clubs when I drink, you guys. (rap music playing) (slowed): Come... on. You... got... to... be... kidding... me...! I don't want to do this, Stan. You're hungry, right? Just trust me, this will work. Ooh, what are these? (monotone): They're Jonah's Pizza Nosh. Made with three cheeses. Great for a snack. Mmm! Lisa, try one. This might be the taste you've been looking for. And is this one a different flavor? No, they're all the same. Lisa, try the other flavor and tell me which one we should buy. Good, right? Now, I'm a successful businessman on the go, who sometimes has to shovel food in my mouth like a bear. Will these accommodate my fast-paced lifestyle? They do. Francine, wait! I'm going home, Stan. Face it, we've lost! We've got no food, we've got nowhere to sleep! That's not true. We could sleep under a car. They're everywhere, and you can't get fully *** under a car. Hayley was right. Minimum wage isn't enough to live on. I'm done. Yeah, go on and quit, you quitter. No, Francine, I'm sorry, don't go. You! That's the guy, Jonah. So I hear you like to sample things excessively and then not buy. Is that what you like to do? Those pizza bagels are my life. I make those tiny bagels by hand. (grunts) That's right, Jonah, mush that face. I love you, baby. You are my queen, Rebecca. We can't do this anymore. I have to think about the election. You can't just use me up and then leave me. I'll call your wife. (gasps) You stay away from my family. I'll kill you. No! Come back! (sobbing) (cheerful): Good morning. (inhales deeply) (giggling) Are you the Hamburglar? I'm the Hamburrobber. I did this to you. Tell your friends. Hello. I'm here about the job. Oh, I'm sorry. You're thinking that's blood. (chuckles) It's just ketchup from the Dumpster burger. Okay, time to go. W-Wait, please. I just need enough money to get through the month so my daughter'll move out. You don't understand! Please! Then I'm taking your shoes. (grunting) Wait! You can have the shoes! Just leave the orthotics! They were specifically designed by Dr. Ross for my feet only! I pronate! They help reduce the stress to my ankles! (cracking) Yah, God! (quietly): Shoes. Burgundy dress shoes. New shoes, man? Nice stitching... wooden sole... Where were these made? I don't know. Just, get out of here, man. Shoes. Got shoes here. Where'd you get those? Don't worry about it. They're my shoes, okay? They look too small for you. Just ten bucks, man. They'll fit you. They'll fit you nice. Wear 'em to a party. Wear 'em with chinos and no socks; it's a solid look. What's it matter where they came from? It matters because I'm a cop. Shoe Police. ♪ Shoe Police, stomping out crime! ♪ (grunts) Keep going. I think we hit a homeless guy! We killed him. Keep going. (panting) (doorbell jingles) Help, please. I've been hit. Leg is busted. Bleeding out. Excuse me, Rude-y Huxtable. This is a free clinic. If you can't afford insurance, you got to wait. (coughing) How long have you been waiting? Six, seven hour. What are you here for? My elbow feel funny. My elbow feel strange. I-I am, I am just, I am very near death. Can I go before you? No. My elbow feel funny. (groans): Ah! Sign your cast? Billy's the name. You want some Jenkem? It'll make you all better. Sure, it's a natural remedy. Huff on this. What's in it? My body waste, silly. Huff on it, now. Whoa, hey, hey, don't huff it all now. We's sharing. I'm thinking about pulling a job. A rob job. Yeah... We do this job. One last jobber. And then we're out of the game for good. I means it. One... final... (clicks tongue) jobber. I know just the place. (gasps) A fake rock? This world never ceases to amaze and inspire me. Shh. Grab that lamp. It's a real Schtibly. A Schtoobly? No, a Schtibly. (gasps) A Schtibly. Wow-wow. (shatters) (gasps) Intruders. (Billy screams) Die! Die! Die! (laughs) (yelling) (screaming) Dad?! Stan, what are you doing?! (sobbing) I'm-I'm robbing us. I-I don't know! It's just, I just, it's too hard! You guys were right. You can't live on minimum wage. I did things out there! I did things with my hands and my mouth that I'm not proud of, just to get by! It-It's what you do! It's what you got to do! Dad, it's been less than two days. So, I guess this means we can stay? You can stay here as long as you need. I'm just so happy that you kids are here, safe with us. This, this huff has just got me so emotional. I love you all so... (screams) (gasps) Who is this guy?! (scraping sound) (groans) What's he doing? He's dying. No, he's drawing something. Hey, he's playing Pictionary. Ooh, I love Pictionary. Is it, uh, is it an angel? No, tree. Tree, tree! It's a tree! Pyramid? Uh, the Great Pyramid! (clicks tongue) Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION ANNOUNCER: This season, an all new hit drama-- Shoe Police. Hey, look at this: no tongue. Looks like someone didn't want this shoe to talk. ANNOUNCER: Elisabeth Shue is Detective Lacy Sole. Tell me the truth, Doc. Is he going to make it? No, I don't think so. ANNOUNCER: Don't miss the show the Santa FeNew Indian Journal has proclaimed "Confusing, "a new low for Fox, and embarrassing." Shoe Police. Watch it. Bye! Have a beautiful time. Captioned by access.wgbh.org oup at WGBH