Mid-Life Chrysalis

The Venture Bros.: Season: 1 Episode: 8

[incomplete]


 * We got company.
 * Attention, unidentified aircraft.
 * This is Colonel Steve Conway of the United States Air Force.
 * - Hi! - Hi! You're currently flying in restricted air space.
 * - Oh, damn it.
 * - What? You will follow us to the nearest landing area.
 * If you fail to comply, we will not hesitate to shoot you down.
 * What are you doing? We don't have time for this.
 * Let me handle this.
 * Sir, your craft is unregistered, and you failed to file a flight plan.
 * Just what the hell do you think you're doing? Don't you people have anything better to do than harass innocent people trying to get to Marrakesh? Zip it, Grandpa.
 * I'm speaking to the pilot.
 * Grandpa? Well, I'll have you know Sir, I am not gonna tell you again.
 * It's all right, soldier.
 * I got special clearance.
 * I'm with a top-secret branch of the government.
 * So if you don't mind, we have a mission to get back to.
 * Sir.
 * This I.D. Expired six months ago.
 * Great.
 * When Marrakesh is overrun by mutant lizard people don't come crying to me.
 * Grandpa! How dare they! I'm only 43.
 * Still a young man.
 * Maybe a little frayed around the edges but who wouldn't be between my work and raising two boys? Crap.
 * Who am I kidding? My looks are going down the toilet faster than an unwanted pregnancy on prom night.
 * I was Rusty Venture, boy-friggin'-wonder.
 * Now look at me.
 * I can't go on denying the world my extra-greatness.
 * I should be out there mixing it up, having fun.
 * That's it! I just need a little "me" time to put the spring back in my step.
 * Oh, and a super-hot car! Don't worry, Brock.
 * You'll be able to kill guys again in no time! And fly jets and do secret agent stuff.
 * Hank and I are on the case.
 * With our help, you're sure to ace the agent's exam, no prob.
 * Whoa! Look at those wheels! Hey, Gloomy Gus.
 * Hop in.
 * I've got a top-secret mission for you, buddy.
 * I can't.
 * I'm not a secret agent anymore.
 * You don't need a license for Operation "Get Me Some.
 * " What's got into you? Come on, Brock.
 * Two young studs like us we're show ponies.
 * We need to strut our stuff.
 * What say we make the scene? I gotta see this.
 * Move over.
 * I'm driving.
 * Where are you guys going? And why are you dressed like the clown on my lamp, Pop? Boys' night out.
 * Don't wait up for us.
 * Dean, you're in charge.
 * Ciao.
 * You hear that? I'm in charge and I think it's just about wittle Hanky's bedtime.
 * Oh, take a bow.
 * Poughkeepsie! Oh, hold on a sec.
 * How do I look? Be brutal.
 * You look like a big doll.
 * Rusty is back.
 * Oh, pretty dead in here, huh? Not a whole lot of talent.
 * Doesn't usually get jumpin' till 11:00.
 * And, you know, on a Friday.
 * Can I help you gentlemen? - Bud.
 * - You got it, ape-drape.
 * A Bud for Captain Mullet-head.
 * How 'bout you, Professor? I'll have a Rob Roy.
 * What? So, teach me, Brock.
 * I'm a quick study.
 * How do you pick up the women? Just gotta throw the vibe out there.
 * Well, the welcome mat's out.
 * Let's see who comes a-knocking.
 * Oh, Brock, check out the main stage, but don't make it obvious.
 * Rusty like.
 * She's looking at me.
 * What do I do? Give her, like, five bucks.
 * Can you break this? That's a nice medallion you got there, baby.
 * Oh, this? Science prize, '79.
 * The best paper I ever wrote.
 * Turned the whole gravity thing upside down.
 * And that pun was intentional, honey.
 * She's totally into me.
 * This is too easy.
 * Where's the capture and kill? Bye! Shall I follow her? Be right back.
 * - Hey.
 * - Hi.
 * OK.
 * Let me get this straight.
 * $15, Grandpa's catcher's mitt, and you'll be my slave for the night.
 * - Give it.
 * - The whole thing.
 * Dude, I spit in that.
 * I can't do this! Oh, you're back.
 * You didn't miss much.
 * Oh, one of them was dressed like a cheerleader and said she was nineteen, but she had a Cesarean scar and her face had more lines on it than a mirror at Studio 54.
 * - I gotta go.
 * - Wait a minute! You're not allowed to ditch me! You're my bodyguard! How can I be? Leaving us so soon, hockey hair? Compliments of the lady at the end of the bar.
 * He's coming over.
 * He took the bait! Excellent.
 * It's all going according to plan.
 * Proceed with phase two, Dr.
 * Girlfriend ensnarement.
 * Make it shine, Gunga Din.
 * Yes, Effendi.
 * So I said, "Listen, my Dad invented Univac "so I think I would know.
 * " Well, that uppity little T.
 * A.
 * Didn't give me any more trouble the rest of the semester.
 * You dog, you.
 * That's it, precious.
 * Make him think you're interested.
 * Now, twirl your hair.
 * Good.
 * OK, run your finger around the rim of your oh, excellent.
 * Just like that.
 * You're doing great, Pumpkin.
 * So, I didn't catch your name.
 * Oh, crap! We never planned for this contingency.
 * Quick! Make something up! No way, Jose! Drink it, slave! Your master commands you.
 * - Hey, Brock! - Go to bed.
 * Why would you dress like that? Dean lost a bet, and now he's my slave and he's refusing a direct order to drink this.
 * You never welch on a bet, Dean.
 * Be a man.
 * Drink it.
 * You go to bed.
 * Your father's gonna be Brock looks like hell.
 * Drink it.
 * So, uh this is me.
 * OK, Charlene.
 * How 'bout I give you my number to my private two-way wrist communicator watch? How about I give you a ride to your place? Yes, yes.
 * More tongue.
 * Stroke his ear.
 * Like that, yes.
 * Yes.
 * Oh, you're good.
 * You are good.
 * That's my good girl.
 * What are you doing?! I was getting juice.
 * I'm thirsty.
 * Do you have any condoms? - What? - Just a mo.
 * Wait a minute.
 * You're not supposed to sleep with him! Condoms.
 * Rusty doesn't need gadgets to please a woman.
 * So you like it rou No worries, Brock.
 * I'll walk you through the written portion.
 * Question one.
 * You're in Prague.
 * A sniper's in the window above you.
 * There's an alligator behind you and a grizzly bear in front of you.
 * What do you do? Do you Back somersault.
 * Pry off the alligator's jaw.
 * Use it as a boomerang to take out the sniper.
 * When he falls out the window the grizzly will go straight for the easier meal.
 * The answer's "C.
 * " Morning, all.
 * Hey, Pop.
 * Wow, I'm bushed.
 * Didn't get a lick of sleep.
 * What happened to your neck? Oh, this? Love bite.
 * You'll understand when you're older.
 * Brock, I'm all out of condom.
 * Could you pick me up one if you go out? OK, next question.
 * You hear muffled whimpers coming from the trunk of a limousine.
 * Well, I'll see you fellas a little later.
 * - However - Going back upstairs.
 * The limousine has diplomatic plates.
 * With my two coffees.
 * Monarch's outside.
 * Rise and shine, lovin' spoonful.
 * Care for a little pick-me-up before round two? Fun stuff? Tell him you're going out with the girls tonight or something.
 * - I don't care.
 * - He's not buying it.
 * Oh, I know! Tell him you think it's moving too fast.
 * Let's cut right to the grate.
 * How 'bout you swing by, I don't know, I'm thinking like six-thirty-ish and pick ol' Doc up? Oh, don't be foolish.
 * You don't need to wash your hair before our date.
 * OK, fine.
 * I'll pick you up at six - What? - Thirty.
 * I forbid it! He wouldn't take no for an answer.
 * I have to go.
 * Not unless you're going to plant a bomb in his car.
 * It'll look suspicious if I don't.
 * Poison his drink? I have to get ready.
 * You're falling in love with him.
 * You slept with him, didn't you? Well, I scored your sample test, Brock, and, well, you did better than Hank did but let's just say you're gonna have to do awfully well on the physical portion.
 * No problem.
 * Your training begins now.
 * Drink up! Your ass is mine, Samson.
 * When I get through with you you're gonna eat lightning and crap thunder! Looks more like he's gonna drink eggs and crap eggs.
 * Well, I'm off on my date.
 * Brock, watch the boys while I'm gone, will you? You're still allowed to do that much, right? I'm a little worried about that hickey, Doc.
 * Oh, Brock, don't worry.
 * I'm not falling in love.
 * That's not what l And what would be wrong with that if I was? The boys need a new mommy.
 * Rusty needs a new mommy.
 * We don't even know who our old mommy was.
 * That's right.
 * I've never really told you about her.
 * Well, she was That'll be Charlene.
 * Gotta run, boys.
 * Don't stay up too late! Did you spit in this? Don't eyeball me, Samson.
 * Drink it! Come on, Brock! You need strong cardiovascular and agility training.
 * No.
 * You're nothing! You're weak! Why do you even want to be a secret agent, boy? You think you're good enough? Hank, seriously, when I get my license back, I'm allowed to kill you.
 * Sorry, Brock.
 * I packed a lunch for you, bologna and cheese and I cut the crusts off the way I like.
 * And I downloaded a bunch of crib notes into your communicator watch.
 * You get stuck on one of the hard questions just look it up.
 * What's wrong? What's the matter? I have something to show you all.
 * Those of you with weak stomachs should leave now.
 * What you're about to see is a nightmare inexplicably torn from the pages of Kafka.
 * Holy crap! What happened? Apparently, this is the reward I get for years of screwing with super science.
 * In short, I pissed in God's eye, and he blinked.
 * Golly.
 * Does it hurt? No, but the poking does.
 * Let's stop that now.
 * Sorry.
 * Hey, what's H.E.L.P.eR.
 * Gotten into? That appears to be my dermis.
 * Wow.
 * I bet if you put that under your pillow the tooth fairy will give you, like, a grand! OK, Hank, you are taking this way too well.
 * Well, gee, Dad we've seen a lot of strange stuff over the years.
 * Last week we were fighting a giant dinosaur.
 * Granted, but I wasn't the dinosaur.
 * Can't you see where this is maybe different? Where's Brock? Where's Dean? I can't believe I'm hearing this! He's turned you against me with his oily sex That cunning Casanova.
 * I'm not against you.
 * I just feel bad about what I did.
 * You should! Screwing him was never part of the plan! Not that.
 * I mean injecting him with that horrible serum.
 * No, see, that part you should feel good about.
 * That was the plan! He's not such a bad guy if you take the time to get to know him.
 * You two actually have a lot in common.
 * Yeah, we do now.
 * I didn't sleep with him.
 * Prove it.
 * What the hell am I going to do? H.E.L.P.eR.! I need you to be my hands if I'm to find an antidote to this dilemma.
 * OK, we'll start with the chlorophosphate.
 * Maybe a little diasporous peptides.
 * A little ugh! The green one, the red one, and the blue one! Yeah, I'm here to take my secret agent test.
 * Ah, Mr. Samson.
 * Excellent.
 * OK.
 * Please empty your pockets of any pieces of paper you might have on your person and I'll escort you to the testing area.
 * Oh, and please remove your two-way communicator watch.
 * Damn it.
 * No.
 * Bad robot.
 * Bad H.E.L.P.eR.! We don't do that! We do not eat test tubes.
 * Come here.
 * I'm not playing games here.
 * What? You don't feel well now? Well, what did you expect? You're mixing acids and bases there.
 * No! H.E.L.P.eR! No! This test will test your acumen with firearms.
 * - You'll have two min - No guns.
 * I don't use guns.
 * The nine millimeter Glock is standard issue to all agents in the field.
 * - You're required to - Guns are for Oh, just do it, H.E.L.P.eR! Use the special hand attachments I gave you and just pull the trigger! Oh, you ungrateful metal pansy! Some help you Well, let's see here, Mr.
 * Samson.
 * On the driving portion, you totaled every car but the one you were driving.
 * On the pistol range, you refused to use a gun.
 * And oh, ha! Yeah, here's my favorite.
 * On the written, you drew a little guy with wings from the Led Zeppelin records.
 * Icarus.
 * So, uh, what are you trying to tell me here, little man? That you don't like Zepp? My father is General Traceter.
 * You saved his life.
 * The man spoke of you as a god and you did not disappoint.
 * Oh, yeah.
 * I used to baby-sit you.
 * Hey, Pop.
 * What are you doing? I don't know.
 * I can't stop myself.
 * I'm compelled.
 * Looks hard.
 * Not really.
 * The little back legs do most of the work.
 * Can I try? Listen to me, Hank.
 * I don't know what's gonna happen to me when I finish with this.
 * I could turn into something new and hideous, monstrous.
 * Upon exiting this horrible thing, I might try to kill one or all of you.
 * Golly! Do you know how to fire a shotgun, Hank? Answer me! Daddy, there's a lady with a super-deep voice here to see you.
 * Charlene? No! She can't see me this way.
 * Tell her l Hi, sweetie.
 * So now you know why I haven't called.
 * That's our cue, wuss.
 * Are you really gonna kill Dad? You're a worm, Rusty.
 * I would have called, but Oh, right.
 * This.
 * I'm in the super science racket.
 * These things happen.
 * So, I guess this is good-bye.
 * I will remember these last few days with you as the happiest of my life well, except for the caterpillar part, I mean.
 * Could I have one last kiss before I leave? Well, all right, but don't touch those thick hairs on my back.
 * I think they're my new ears.
 * Wow, you're a dirty girl! This is turning you on, isn't it, you little slu-
 * Hey, if it isn't Franken-mullet. What can I do you for?
 * Closing credits
 * What the hell happened?
 * Go, Team Venture!