American Stepdad

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! Damn. Why can I never get straight lines? Ralph Fiennes?! Ralph Fiennes is here?! No, I said "straight lines. " I can never get them. Stan, I've got some terrible news. For you or for me? For you. Damn. Your mom called. Hercules died. Oh. Big whoop, he's just my step dad. I barely care about my real dad. The only dad that's ever been kind to me is Father Time. He's been most kind. Quick, take a picture before I blow out my rectum! Aah, too late! What are they putting him in? Oh, Hercules always wanted to be buried in a Spani-coffina. Oh, that's so jokey. The eulogy will now be given by John Stamos, as famous fictional Greek character, Jesse Katsopolis. Have mercy on this great Greek of a man we lost today. Now, please join me in the banquet hall for the Greek tradition of stealing everything that's not tied down. Betty, that service was straight baller. It must've cost a fortune. All of our savings. Wait, you're out of money? Well, then you'll have to move in with us. Oh, I wouldn't want to intrude. Besides, I should be independent and on my own. That's ridiculous. You're so old. Look how old you are. See? So old. Namaste, Lauren. Very good, Kim. Shawn Ian, I'm just going to adjust your arm to the right a bit-- how does that feel? Good? Good. Okay, now I'm just going to put my thumb in your mouth. How does that feel? Good? Good. Shut it down, pack it up. What? Pack up your crap; you're moving to the basement. My mom's gonna live up here from now on. But, Stan, this is my attic. This is my home. You can't do this. Sorry, bro. Mom's family. But I'm family, too! You just called me bro! Sorry, cuz, I was just using it as slang. Let me break it down for you, son: Family is your siblings, your kids, or most importantly, people you have physically been inside, either sexually or as a fetus. You know, this might be the seventh best bike ride we've ever taken. Keep dreaming, Steve. It's barely top nine. Guys! Oh, my God, a downed plane! We've got to keep it wet until the tide comes back in! I wonder what happened. Well, fellas, I think it's quite clear what happened. The pilot's head exploded while he was being read this! The script for The Fast and the Furious 7! No way! Look, it's signed by Randy Scott Knobson, the guy who wrote all the Fast and Furious movies. Steve, this just became the best bike ride we've had where we didn't see homeless people having sex. So, number six? Yeah. Stan, I'm able to live on my own. This is all so unnecessary. No, Mom, the Golden Globes are unnecessary. Chelsea Handler's career is unnecessary. Tucson, Arizona, unnecessary. Congratulations Tucson, you've been Dadded! Nobody's safe! Who's that? Oh, don't worry about him. That's just a nobody who lives in the basement. A nobody?! Who farted? Nobody! Well, I gotta go. Gotta get to work. See you tonight. What are we doing? This is crazy. "Exterior. "The streets. "Night. "There's not a soul around "until the sickest Toyota you've ever seen slowly pulls up. "Brian O'Connor stares out into the dark night. "The only thing darker: the sick black tank top he's wearing. Suddenly, he pulls a gun out from under his seat" Yo, Brian, I've been looking for you. Heist? Heist. Oh my God. We gotta get this script to Hollywood. The world needs to see this movie. But first we gotta finish reading it. "Interior. "Crazy awesome mansion. "A ridiculously hot girl feeds caviar to a Russian bad guy. There's like a bear or something chained up by the pool. " Whoa! Jeff? What the hell are you doing? Oh, hey, Mr. S. Tom said if I helped him move his stuff back in the attic, he'd let me take him to the airport one day. Roger! I thought I told you to move down to the basement. Oh, yeah, right, because I wasn't family. OhDid you tell him yet? Tell me what? Me and Tom Yabo got married! That's right, Stan. I'm your new stepdad! FYI, Stan, the ceremony was beautiful. I sang an original song. People hated it. Mom, tell me this is a joke. There's no way you married this guy! She did. Now, we're registered at Crate and Barrel, but if you'd rather make something, that would be a lot more special. But I-I don't Oh, you want to know how we met? Sit, sit. After all this time, I never get tired of telling our story. At first we barely even got along. But then we realized we had a ton in common. Like telling this story. We both apparently love telling this story. I thought I was just gonna do it on my own, but, oh well. In addition to both of us loving tea, it turns out Betty and I are also both huge fans of laughing while drinking tea. Tom eventually invited me to take a beginner's yoga class. We connected on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. I haven't been this happy since I was with Hercules. That was three days ago! Betty, can you give me a hand with the champagne? I'll miss you! I'll miss you more! Not possible. You married my mother just to get your attic back! Why on Earth would I want my attic back if it meant having to share it with some old lady I didn't even love? I'm sorry you don't trust me, but what your mother and I have is real. To true love. To happy endings. Oh, you, I know what that means. Prove it. Mom, I've known this guy for years. He's a manipulative sociopath. Stan! It's okay, Betts. Big family changes are often hardest on the children. Let's just take it step by step. You know, Stan, Betty and I would love to have you and Francine over for dinner tonight. Well, you can just forget-- That sounds wonderful, Tom. Stan, I think this actually might be good for your mom. Ugh! "Dom and Brian drive sick convertibles "and shoot awesome guns at these crazy Japanese dudes. "Brian takes a hard left, "sending him flying up a ramp. "In slo-mo, Dom looks up "as Brian's upside-down car sails over his own. "It's super sick. "Brian looks back down at Dom, "their heads inches from each other. "They crane their necks to steal an upside-down kiss, and Dom's tongue explores Brian's mouth. " What the?! Are you sure you read that right? Maybe it's a typo. I'll just flip ahead. . Here we go: "Interior, garage, night. "Dom stands behind a bent-over Brian, "and Tokyo drifts into his" Oh, that, okay, that scene goes on for like ten more pages. Dudes, this script is full of extremely graphic gay sex scenes. What do you expect? The whole lifestyle's fast and furious, with the pills and the disco and the tank tops-- ohh. Everything's changing. Oh, honey, it means so much to me that you came. Tom likes to say grace before eating. God, are you there? It's me, Tom Yabo. I just want to say thank you for sending me such an amazing woman and unbelievably generous lover. I mean her giving to receiving ratio is like three to one. Minimum. Amen. So, Stan, how was work today? Fine. Stan, you speak up and look at Tom when he asks you a question. It was fine! Okay?! Stan! Tom worked really hard on this meal. Well, it's gross, and I don't like it. Come on, champ, give it another try. Shut up! You're not my dad! Stan! Damn mower! By the size of those pit stains, I'd say it's half-past Miller time. Your mow-stripes are a little curved, huh? May I? Free country. Mm-hmm Okay, I see what's going on here. You got the left rear wheel elevated at a six, but the right is only at a four. Not your fault, sometimes they come off the line like this. All right, that should do the trick. I'll leave you to your lawn. Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle. No. Stop. Listen, little monkey. This is hard to explain, but sometimes grown-ups use expressions that they don't really mean. I know. I was there. I was driving the other car. So we're all in agreement that this Fast and Furious could be the most action-packed one yet, right? But Steven, it'll never get made with all the hardcore gay sex. That's why we're gonna cut those scenes out and deliver the clean script to Hollywood. Then this movie will definitely get made. Let's do it! Yeah! I like it how it is now! Okay, here we go. Pull out all the pages that need to be cut. Um, what about this scene where Dom and Brian hold hands as they enter the Toyota Service Center? No, I think that's okay. We do that. We're actually holding hands right now. Oh, yeah. What about the scene where Paul Walker can't see, so Vin Diesel sits in his lap and shifts for him? That's just teamwork. Okay look, how about this? If both guys keep their pants on, it stays in, okay? Good work, gents. We were able to keep eight pages. Now let's take this baby to Hollywood! Whoa, no way! Cool car! It's a 1970 Dodge Challenger. Socket wrench me, would ya? Um my, uh, my dad never taught me about tools. I could teach you if you'd let me. I'll teach you how to do that, too. Here we go. It started, you did it! No, we did it. I hate to interrupt my boys getting along so well, but Tom, we really should hit the road. Whoa! We almost died. Where are you guys going? Mr. Yabo is taking me to Niagara Falls for our honeymoon. Mr. Yabo is taking me to Niagara Falls for our honeymoon. " Seriously, that's how you sound. Niagara Falls, huh? That sounds fun. Are you guys taking the Dodge? Why would I do that, Stan? This isn't my car. It's yours. What?! Stan, my stepfather gave this car to me, and now I'm giving it to you. And one day? You'll give it to your stepson. I'll take good care of her. I know you will, son I mean, Stan. No, it's okay Dad. You're the man of the house for the weekend. Wow. Wow. Here, take our picture. I want to remember this day forever. See ya, sport. Bye, Dad! Have fun, Dad! See you when you get back, Dad! Ooh! I should load this onto Roger's computer as his wallpaper. Do you think he'll love it? He'll love it. I can't wait for him to get back! Oh, my God this was Roger's plan all along! He's gonna kill my mom just to get his attic back! He's getting another toggle coat?! Roger's gonna kill my mom! Out of the way! My family's in danger! Well? Are you gonna make it?! Nice try, boys, but this is obviously not a genuine Randy Scott Knobson. It's missing one key component: the gay sex scenes. You see, boys, the Fast & Furious franchise has to be written, and filmed, super gay. The gay undertones are what create the chemistry and tension that make those movies so great. Oh I always felt their love went much deeper than cars. Yep, we shoot everything Randy writes, everything, and then edit it down for the theaters. Except France, they get it all. Wait! We have the sex scenes! Looks like we're in business, boys. Yay! We did it! Come on. Bring it in, bring it in. I let him into my heart, and he betrayed me! Well, I'm coming for you, Tom Yabo! Damn it! I'm gonna have to go for it. Yes! Yes! The camera is loving you. Okay, I need sexier, more danger. Um, get closer to the edge. Great! Now move over to the area without the railing in the way. Perfect! Uh, we're out of film. Stay right there, Betts. Gotta reload. I got this. It's okay. I can make it! Whoa, no! I'll never make it! Aw, man, I wussed out. Okay, finally got the film in. Man, that took forever! Mom, look out! He's trying to kill you! What? Son, no It's true! I should've known. Whenever I let a man inside me, it hurts. Stan, I'm not trying to kill your mom! Shut up! I saw your computer! "How to Kill Your Spouse at Niagara Falls"?! Stan, he's not trying to kill me. Because I'm trying to kill him! Mom, what the hell?! I told you I wanted to be independent, Stan, but you wouldn't listen. So I took out a life insurance policy on Tom. What?! Betts-Betts! It was the only way I could afford to live on my own. I can't hold you both! I just resewed my rectum! Then save me, I'm your mother! And he's a nobody! You said it yourself, Stan. Tom Yabo loved us. And you you used him! It's okay, Stan. I used her, too. What? For the attic? No, kiddo. To get close to you. And it was worth it. No! Why'd you let go?! Because I don't think your mom and I are gonna be able to patch things up. And I'd rather be dead than no longer a part of your family! I was wrong, Roger. You don't have to be in my family to be my family! Dude, seriously? I really wish I'd known before I let go! I can't believe he's gone. He was the best father I ever had. To your right is one of the best views of the Falls. Of course it's not the original Niagara Falls, which burned down in 1816. All these memories So, where is Betty now, anyway? She ended up collecting the life insurance money from Tom Yabo's death and moved to Paris. Guess she's getting the independent life she wanted all along. Hey, wait, when was this? We never hugged. Not yet. Do you think things between us will go back to the way they usually are next week? I sure hope so. Une, s'il vous plaÃ®t. Is this happening too fast? I'd be furious if it wasn't. Tastes so good. Mmm, mmm Did I miss any play? Tons.