The American Dad After School Special

I think he went this way! Come on! Looks like Smith weaseled out of gym class again, Dad. I told you. Here at school, you call me Coach, dipwad! Where did those dogs come from? You ditching gym class too? Today is track. I hate running. Then we're on the same page. Welcome to my sanctuary. Look at them, scurrying around like ants. Go ahead: Exercise all you want: You'll never escape the smoky death of time's magnifying glass. Wow, that's a little dark. Not at all. Life is a banquet. - And death is dessert. - I love dessert! Mmm. That's one impressive man. Handsome, fit, the whole package. That's great, Stan. Can we stop staring at your reflection in the TV and actually turn it on now? I promised my Mr: Belvedere chat group I'd post a summary of this episode by 6:00. Those losers are pretty punctual. Good news, everyone. I'm in love. - Tell us about her, sweetie. - Her name is Debbie. She smells like a glue stick, she shares my interest in bug zappers and she likes reading old books by guys who died of syphilis. Syphilis! Ooh, la, la! Great. Thanks to your gassing on I completely missed why Mr. Belvedere is stomping on his hat. The Internet is not going to be happy. So, what's this Debbie's affiliation? Varsity cheerleader or regular cheerleader? Actually, she's more of an artist. She played Lady Macbeth in our school production of Oklahoma: Frankly, it was a mess but our drama teacher finally got sober, thank God. So she's an actress. Attaboy! My son is dating a hot actress. I guess. But mostly I like her because she's so unusual and fascinating. Of course she's fascinating. She's gorgeous. You know, I hear she's an actress. And this girl actually wants to spend time with you? For your information, she said she thinks I'm cute. So she lies. Great. That's how you know she doesn't have a penis. - We can't wait to meet her, Steve. - You can say that again. It'll be nice to have a pretty girl around the house for a change. I- I meant, a pretty younger girl. Don't get mad at me. It's called makeup. Dad, I have a confession about Debbie. I haven't actually asked her out yet. Oh, thank God. I thought you were gonna tell me she isn't a cheerleader. The thing is, I really like Debbie, but I keep chickening out. Steve, I'm going to motivate you the same way the C. I. A. Motivates its assassins you know, when they have trouble asking out a girl. There. If you don't ask Debbie out in 24 hours the collar will sense your stress level and blow up. Blow up? Whoops. I accidentally set it for 24 minutes. Oh, man, you better run! Gotta get to Debbie's house. Oh, boy! The circus is coming to town. And I'm gonna die! Okay, according to my Timex watch I still have five minutes left. Steve, what are you doing here? Oh, um, I, um- I'm so glad you asked me out. This is my favorite spot. It's so romantic. Why did he have to die? It sucks we put our dead in the earth where we can't watch them decompose. You know, putrefaction is simply a community of necrophores that engorge the carrion with sulfur dioxide gas. All this talk of death is making me cremate. Mom, Debbie's gonna be here any minute. - Dinner's almost done: - I hope you like her, Dad. Of course I'll like her. After all, she's your girlfriend. One day, she might even take the Smith name. What a wedding it will be. Purple napkins, a make-your-own-crepe station and a touching speech, in which I reminisce about the time I dropped you on your head as an infant. And then someone in the crowd yells out, "That explains a lot. " - And we all share a laugh. - Here she comes. - Where's Debbie? Behind that fat girl? - No, Dad, that's- - Is the fat girl going to lead us to Debbie? - No, that's- She's carrying a purse. She must have a map to Debbie in her purse. - Dad, that's Debbie. - To the panic room! Stan, you're being ridiculous. We have a guest out there. Please, Francine, show some panic. Our son is dating a fatty. Dad, that's awful. Plus-size women drive our economy with their purchases of Garfield books and Häagen-Dazs. You apologize to your son. For what? You brought fat into our house. You'd like Debbie if you got to know her, Dad. - There's a lot more to her than you think. - There's more of her? So, what are we panicking about? Is there another new pope? Damn it, Roger! Lock the door! Hello? Anyone home? She smells people food. Don't worry. She'll probably just rummage around in the refrigerator and then retreat back to her lair. My stars! Who is that enchanting Rubenesque vision? She's like a female Mr. Belvedere. Hmm. - I'm goin' after her. - I forbid you to see that girl. You can't keep us apart. Debbie! How can you be so cruel? Do you want your grandchildren to be half fat, Francine? Is that it? Who are you to judge someone's weight? Ja, your suit is stuffed tighter than, um some funny German word. Ach, sorry. I'm kinda running out of fish shtick. Oh! And just like that, I'm back! You people are crazy. I'm in great shape. They're right, Stan. You've let yourself go. What are you talking about? That's impossible. Good God, it's true! I've become one of them. - Ready for some pancakes, Hayley? - Thanks, Mom. - How about you, Stan? - Not on my diet. Just some O. J. Where's Steve? Still caught in Debbie's gravitational pull? That's so unfair, Dad. Overweight people have it hard enough being disgusting without you making fun of them. God, look at me. I'm hideous. Stan, you've been working out for three weeks. You look great. Great as in great big fatso. You know, this is how it starts, Francine. First you go soft in the belly. Then you go soft in defense. Next thing you know, you're wearing a towel on your head and using your left hand for toilet paper. Well, not in my America. Hey, bro: I couldn't help noticing you're kinda fat and pathetic: And you're kinda perfect and scrumptious. What's your point? Name's Zack. I'm a personal trainer. I wear a trucker cap, and I can mold you into a dude who won't send the ladies puking. I'll do anything to look like you. When can we start? Don't waste time asking questions when you should be rockin' it. Exercise is everywhere. See those kids? Potential barbells. Now rock me two "hundy"! Shut up and help me count! Here he comes. Remember, we have to do whatever we can to get him to eat as much as possible. Oh, Zack really kicked my ass at the gym today. That was one exhausting workout. Oop! Time for my workout. You are freaking me out! Sit down and eat! No can do. Somehow I've gotten even heavier. Until these pounds start coming off I need to stick to the Z-man's plan. Stop it. You're not fat. - Now come on. I made your favorite, pot roast. - Get that away from me! Die, calories! Die! You sunk my battleship. Among them, Lieutenant Don Sharp. He made it through the bulkhead before it was closed. At least, half of him did. - God, you're tweaked. - Take me. Yeah, mmm. Oh, my Debbie. That should be me handling your folds and squeezing your exquisite back fat. But you don't know you're cheating on me yet, so I forgive you. Whoa there, jumpy. I call you "jumpy" ironically because you suck at jumping rope. Just like I call fat people "tiny. " So start over, jumpy tiny. - Z-man, how'd you find where I live? - Hey, you're my client. Now let's rock it up a bump, "Chunky" Brewster. What am I doing wrong? No matter what I do, I keep gaining weight. - Dude, it's your family. They're sabotaging you. - What are you talking about? You said they were all farked at you for dissin' your son's fat girlfriend. They-They want me to get fat like that girl so I'll apologize to Steve. Hells, yeah. Now drop and give me a thousand! Oh, yeah! Details published part of my letter. No, Hayley. No, put it over here. Come on. It's fine. It's fine, Mom. Just do it. Go. Stan! You startled us. - What are you doing to my celery? - Nothing. - We're just freezing our- - Tampons. - What? - It's a woman thing. Keeps them crisp. Great in the summer. More refreshing than a Popsicle. Liars! You were sabotaging my veggies to keep me fat. Dad, you're not fat. Besides, how could we sabotage your veggies? Oh, your diet is making you paranoid, Stan. I'm watching you two. Whew, that was close. Hand me the syringe of lard. This'll fatten him up. This latest billion-dollar obstacle course::: Has been designed to push each of you to the limit: You'll be climbing a net, slinking through tires and, most dangerous of all, climbing another net. Of course, none of this should be any problem for a fit agent. Oh, look. Miss Pinkerton fainted at the market buying canned salmon for her puss-puss. Get up, Smith! I have no choice but to suspend you until you deal with your weight problem. I hope all you blubber-loving Judases are happy. I just got suspended because I'm in such bad shape. Well, maybe now you'll listen to us. - You've become a man obsessed. - We're all so worried about you. We have Grey's Anatomy on Season Pass, yes? Yes. I was just fine until you all decided to teach me a lesson by scheming against me. Now even my boss says I have a weight problem. You do have a weight problem! But it's not that you're too fat. Dad, we've done some research, and we think you're anorexic. - What? - You keep thinking you're fat no matter how skinny you get. That's ridiculous. Look at me. It's worse than we thought. I know. I'm a huge tub of lard. No, you aren't. You're just suffering from a delusional state. Delusional? I'm not delusional. - Tell 'em, Zack. - Bro, don't listen to them. Stan, there's no one there. Who are you talking to? Z- man, this is Francine, Steve, my daughter, Hayley. I know, I know. But she won't wear makeup. Nol I don't have a weight probleml - You can't make me go in there! - You're sick, and you need help. And you're uncommonly strong. So then I said, "What the hell. I'm on vacation. " And I had a second tic tac. You can totally tell. Look at her massive tic tac thighs. - Eating disorders are no laughing matter, young lady. - Young lady? Now, now. I-I know in high school, in the showers with the other girls you feel uncomfortable with your body. - I'm not in high school. - When was the last time you menstruated? - I've never menstruated! - Hear that, girls? Cautionary tale. Anorexia will dry up your ovaries like tobacco in the sun. Now, instead of starving yourselves let's discuss healthier ways to get back at Daddy. Like marrying a black dude. - Living with an anorexic can be a real challenge. - How did this happen? Well, when young girls like your father get this disease it's usually the result of a jarring event. Was he recently cut from the cheerleading squad? No. - Has there been a change at home? - A change at home? You brought fat into our housel I shouldn't be here, Veronica. Yeah, but your family will keep sending you back until they think you're "getting better. " But I don't wanna eat. I hate food. Don't sweat it. I've got a few tricks I can teach you. That's been in there for days. No, no, Debbie. This breakup has nothing to do with my dad at all. It's just, you know, this is a really bad time for me. The Ghostbusters box set just came out. What with that and the new Doom being released I just don't think I can give you the time you need. Forget me, big, beautiful creature! The girl who loves to go to the market is now back on it. Soon she'll be mine. Debbie! Oh! Whose foot is that? Paddington Bear, you randy bastard. Mmm. - Stan, you're eating so well. - Let's just say I learned a lot from my new friend Veronica. You just keep focusing on getting better, Dad. And you'll be glad to know Debbie won't be around to upset you anymore. - What do you mean, Steve? - We went our separate ways! It's good to see he's finally happy. Well, I'm stuffed. I'm gonna take a walk and digest this nutritious repast. Thank you, Veronica, you fat bitch. Good-bye, Debbie. I'm getting rid of everything that reminds me of you and sealing it in this beautiful hope chest you made me. - How you doin', Dad? - Fat and healthy, Son. In a few weeks, I'll be a regular Debbie. Steve, what's wrong? What about the word "regular" set you off? Here, have a Little Debbie. What, now it's the word "little"? You know what? Why don't I put on some Debbie Gibson and we can talk about it? I'm glad you're better, Dad, but I miss Debbie. Oh, is that what this is about? Look, you're better off. - In fact, I've got a hot friend I wanna set you up with. - I don't know, Dad. Come on. She's a cheerleader. And a real one, not one of those fat jobs whose mother has to sue to get them on the team. Okay, so we'll split the olive. You have the radish. I'll have some of that decorative parsley. - And we'll both suck on ice chips for dessert. - Great. I'm gonna walk past the Stroganoff and sniff it a little. What'd I tell you, huh? Look at her. She's the picture of health. Thanks for letting me interview you - for the Anne Rice fan club newsletter. - Oh, no problem. - How did you get my number again? - Huh? Oh, from your high school principal. Yeah, huge Anne Rice fan. Total 'mo. Hi. Uh, reservations for two under "Roget. " - We don't take reservations. - Excellent. Of all the buffets, Steve's at this one? Here we are. Oh, lucky you. You got a perfect view of the busboy station. Dinner and a show. Thank you, Sherry. - My name is Helen. - Excellent. Whoa! Whoa! What's happening? He never cleaned his plate. He just moved the food. He just moved the food. Why? Why? - I like your face. - Oh. I thought we were here so you could interview me. I am. I am. So, question one- - On a scale of zero to Lestat, how cute am I? - What? Speakin' of back rubs, you look like you could use a rub-a-dub-dub. It's okay. I'm a licensed chiropractor or something. Look, my boyfriend and I just broke up but I'm still kinda holding out hope that we'll get back together. Oh. - You know, why don't we switch seats, huh? - Oh! Chinese fire drill! Ah, we're havin' fun. Hmm? Oh, my God. That's my ex-boyfriend. - I can't believe he's moved on. - You know what would teach him a lesson? If he saw me and you makin' out. I don't know. He's not even looking. - Excellent. - Stan Smithl We found your food graveyard. You haven't been getting better at all. What? I broke up with Debbie 'cause I thought it would help you. And you weren't even trying? Guys, I can explain. I was lying to you. Debbie was the best thing that ever happened to me and you drove her away because of your stupid obsession with how people look. I had a real connection with someone for the first time in my life and all you cared about was her appearance. I don't care if she was fat or thin. She was sweet and beautiful and kinda freaky in a good way. And I'm gonna check every buffet in town until I find her. - You don't have to, Steve: - Debbie! - You had me at lasagna. - I never said lasagna. Well, I was thinking about it. I missed you too. - I like you so much, Steve. - Oh, I love your chunky lips. No! Uh, hi. Still waiting for bread sticks. I asked, like, five times. I don't know if this is your station. They're so happy together. Steve's right. It's me that's been ugly. Inside and outside. Hand me those rolls. Don't do it, bro. You're a fatty. No! No! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Steve, whether you wanna date a fatso, a girl with hairy arms or even one with Kirsten Dunst teeth it doesn't matter to me. - If you're happy, I'm happy. - Thanks, Dad. It's good to have you back, Stan. It's good to be back. Hayley, are you wearing makeup? You look like a whore. Bye-bye. See you soon.