Cornbread and a Cashmere Onesie

Hi, I'm Jill. I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Jill.

I got to tell you, if it wasn't for this meeting tonight, I never would've gotten out of bed today.

Here we go.

Fifty shades of Jill.

Today's the anniversary of my mother's suicide.

Obviously, I misspoke.

It's so weird 'cause I remember it like it was yesterday.

I came home from school a little early 'cause cheerleading practice was cut short.

Shannon Benson misjudged a scissor kick and broke her own nose... which, believe me, was a godsend.

Anyway... I walked in the kitchen and she gave me a real tight hug, which was odd because she wasn't much of a hugger.

And then she gave me her credit card and told me to go to the mall and buy myself something nice.

And when I got back, I...

I found her in the garage slumped over the steering wheel with the motor running.

I just stood there in my new peach leather jacket, too scared to move.

(choking up): You know what, this is too...

I can't.

Thank you.

Bruce: Would anyone else like to share?

I'll go.

Hi, Bonnie, alcoholic.

All: Hi, Bonnie.

(sighs) What a day I've had.

I waited around all morning for this package to be delivered.

I take two minutes to pee and miss the guy.

Now, I got to go wait in line at the post office forever.

Ugh!

I just want to kill myself.

Oh, Mom!

What?

Well, you could've given me a heads up.

Sorry, I didn't know the hand signal for, "Hey, idiot, Jill just talked about her dead mother."

You think she noticed?

Yes, and do you know why she noticed?

Because she listens.

The reason the program works is you share your pain, other people listen and you feel better 'cause you feel heard.

You feel like you're not alone.

Oh, my God, look, a three-legged dog.

He's got an apple.

Are you okay, honey?

I guess.

Just... too sad to eat.

Well, just know that we're all here for you.

You know, it's always a hard day for me, but this year it's just really kicking my ass.

What do you think that's about?

My mother was 37 when she died.

That's how old I am now.

I've actually outlived her.

Okay, this is serious.

She told us her real age.

She had so much... A husband, a family, a career... She still took her life.

I mean, I don't have any of that stuff.

What am I doing?

Who the hell puts mustard on chicken salad?

I know, I know, I should've left her in the car.

You know, I-I think I'm gonna go.

I'm just bringing the group down.

That's all right.

I do that all the time and I stay.

Yeah, Jill, hang out.

We can go catch a movie or something.

You guys are sweet.

I appreciate it.

Bye.

See you.

Okay, I don't know about you, but I'm a little worried.

She's definitely not herself.

Yeah, it's time to circle the wagons, make sure we're available if she needs us.

It just goes to show, you can have all the money in the world and still be so unhappy.

Very true.

You know...

... I spoke too soon.

The mustard is working.

(knocking)

Hey, wake up.

What? Is that your wife?

There's someone at the door.

Well, go answer it.

No, this is when you being a giant comes in handy.

(knocking continues)

Who is it?

It's Jill.

(whispering): It's Jill.

Thank you.

I know we said we'd be there for her, but I assumed it'd be during business hours.

Sorry to bother you, but I have some things that I wanted to give you.

Are you okay?

Yeah, why you ask?

It's after midnight.

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you guys have jobs and stuff.

Here, this is for you.

Oh, my God, this is a Rolex.

What are you doing?

Well, I have all these things, they don't make me happy, so I'm getting rid of them.

Simplify, simplify, simplify.

Or to simplify, just simplify.

Okay, you're freaking me out.

Mom, say something.

That watch may be too big for your wrist.

I'm not taking this.

Come on, let's have a cup of tea and talk.

I really don't have time to talk, though, 'cause I've got some clothes and purses for Marjorie and Wendy.

It can wait.

You're not Santa Claus.

You don't have to do it all in one night.

I like purses.

Victor, I know we said we'd go to the mall, but Jill's in crisis.

Yes, they probably can handle her without me, but I'd rather they not know that.

I got to go.

Hi.

Suddenly I feel under dressed.

"Suddenly"?

Where'd you get the tiara?

Jill gave it to me.

She was Miss Buttermilk Biscuit 1997.

And you weren't. Give it back.

No. It was a gift from a dear and possibly suicidal friend.

It means a lot to me.

Jill, time to wake up.

Go away.

It's 3:00.

Don't you have things to do?

The Pilates class, massage, something to wax?

Those things all sound so trivial now.

They are, that's why you love them.

The Great Grey Hope is here.

(sighs) I don't know what to do.

She came over in the middle of the night all wound up, then she crashed and I can't get her out of bed.

It's okay, I got it.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, Marjorie.

I understand you're giving away all your stuff.

I have a teapot for you in my car.

I don't want your teapot, honey.

Is it silver?

Jill, giving away all your stuff sounds like a cry for help.

It's just stuff.

I'm still alone.

You're not alone.

Yes, I am!

I mean, you have a husband and these two have each other.

Real fun.

Lucky us.

All I go home to is my housekeeper, my gardener and my pool guy.

Well, there you go.

Be grateful for them.

They hate me.

Okay, you got your health, you have your sobriety...

A clean house with a pool and a garden.

Sounds to me like somebody needs a meeting.

Oh, why bother?

My life is pointless.

Okay, that's it.

We're done.

Hey!

(sighs) You just crossed the line from feeling your feelings to feeling sorry for yourself.

Get her.

So, instead of laying around here, wallowing in self-pity, you're gonna help someone less fortunate than you.

I gave them a watch and a tiara.

I volunteer at a soup kitchen once a month. You're coming with me.

To a soup kitchen?

That's a great idea. I'll go, too.

Mom?

Sure, I could go for some soup.

We're not having soup, are we?

Hey, Charlotte, you're looking good.

Hey, Marjorie.

This is Jill, she's helping us out today.

Nice to meet you.

Did she get a nudge from the judge?

Nope, just volunteering.

Oh, God bless you, sweetie.

No, God bless you for, you know, being homeless.

You were right.

A tiara would have been out of place here.

It's out of place everywhere.

How long do we have to do this?

Oh, for God's sake, it's been ten minutes.

That's not an answer.

Seriously?

You're not getting anything out of this?

Zip.

No gratitude, nothing positive?

Well, I wouldn't mind getting the recipe for this cornbread.

You can't really be that self-obsessed.

Hey, I'm here, I'm spooning out this white stuff.

It's mashed potatoes.

Yeah, I beg to differ.

Thank you, Marjorie.

I'm glad we're doing this.

I thought it might help.

I didn't realize how wonderful it is to feel needed.

To take care of those who can't take care of themselves.

Well, you know, you can come back here any time you want.

They can always use the help.

Oh, no. (chuckles)

I'm never coming back here.

It's gross.

But now I know what's missing in my life.

Well, that's terrific.

You guys hear that?

Jill's figured out what's missing in her life.

Great, what is it?

I need to have a baby.

What?

A baby?

Well, now I'm paying attention.

Yeah, you know, something that loves me and needs me and isn't allowed to leave.

Way to go, Marjorie.

... which is when I said, "Way to go, Marjorie."

I was just trying to give Jill perspective.

And it was a good idea.

That went horribly, horribly wrong.

So you guys all went to a soup kitchen without me?

Yeah, and it was full of good-looking single guys.

Don't get me wrong.

I love her, but Jill is the last person in the world who should be having a baby.

Normally, I'd agree with you, but, I know a lot of women with no maternal instincts who turned out to be great mothers.

Both: Thank you.

Did you even think to call me?

This isn't about you, Wendy.

Oh, hey, I finally got to say it to somebody else.

This isn't about you, Wendy.

It's kind of fun.

I don't think we have to overreact here.

I mean, we all love Jill very much, but let's be honest, she has a short attention span.

Today she wants a baby, tomorrow she'll want a Birkin bag.

She has a Birkin bag.

Really? And all she gave me was that stupid tiara?

Wait, you guys got gifts?

I can't believe she's already picking out sperm donors.

Well, she loves shopping, it makes sense.

So, what's the plan?

I don't know, figure out a way to talk her out of this baby craziness.

Great. What do you need from me?

Honestly?

Go away for about an hour and come back with dinner.

Excuse me, but I can help.

I will tell her how painful it was when you came out of me feet first.

I came out feet first so I could run.

Okay, so I've got my donors separated into three categories: brains, looks and good hair.

Wouldn't looks and good hair be in the same category?

Oh, Bonnie.

Jill, maybe you should think this through a little bit more before you start picking a donor.

Why would I want to wait when I know this is what I want to do?

Cheese and crackers! Will you look at what they're getting for sperm?

Tell me about it. In college, I was up to my eyeballs in the stuff, now I got to write a check for it.

Hey, didn't you talk about going to Europe next year?

Gonna be mighty hard with a baby.

Oh, it's just a trip.

I figured Europe's been there for 300 years, it'll be there a few more.

I'd move "brains" to the front of the list.

I was kind of leaning towards this guy with the blue eyes.

How pretty would our daughter be?

Lovely... in a master race kind of way.

What is this, Build-a-Bear?

I mean, how do you even know it's gonna be a girl?

(smacks lips) Oh, it's easy, they just spin the goo up in this thingie and you get what you want.

Have you considered the possibility that your alcoholism could be passed down to this child?

Oh, it won't be an issue. My kid's not gonna drink and even if she does, she'll go to the best rehabs.

And we can go to meetings together, like you two.

Oh, honey, don't aim for us.

To be honest, I really am not sure that...

Oh, I almost forgot!

The doctor told me that I was gonna need someone to give me hormone shots and go with me to my appointments.

You know, someone to be my partner in all this.

And I can't think of anybody else I'd rather do this with than you, 'cause, well, you're my best friend.

Really?

I'm your best friend?

Of course you are.

Wow, I don't know what to say.

Thank you.

So you'll do it?

I'd be honored.

Come here!

(quietly): What are you doing?

(quietly): No idea.

Aw, they make cashmere onesies.

"Cashmere"?

You're gonna let your baby spit up on cashmere?

Well, I won't put her in it when she's gonna spit up.

Oh, okay, good plan.

(gasps) A crib in the shape of Cinderella's carriage.

What do you think?

It kind of looks like a float in a very tiny gay pride parade.

That is going on the baby registry.

Jill, it's $18,000!

No pressure, I'll have a separate shower for my rich friends.

Sweetie, you're not even pregnant yet, you won't need any of this stuff for a while.

And when the baby gets here, all it needs for the first six months are clean diapers and a boob.

Oh, I am not breastfeeding.

I googled some after pics, did not like what I saw.

But breastfeeding is good for the baby.

Yeah, so is having a hot mom.

Thanks again for doing this with me.

You're welcome.

Once I'm a mom, I know I'll be so happy.

Jill Kendall.

Okeydokey.

Let's go see how many eggs are in this basket.

Jill, don't do this!

Don't do what?

Have a baby.

It's not what you think it is.

It's not playing dress-up and picnics at the beach.

I mean, there are some picnics, but just packing up the car to get there can crush your soul.

And you will forget wipes.

Trust me, you will forget them.

Being a parent is hard.

It's exhausting and you are not cut out for it.

Why are you saying this?

You're supposed to be my best friend.

That's why I'm saying it, because I am.

You're trying to fix what happened with your mom by having a baby and it's not gonna work.

If having a child solved all our problems, your mother wouldn't have... done what she did.

I never want to talk to you again.

Jill, I've been there.

I know what I'm talking about.

Just because you failed as a mother doesn't mean I will!

(door closes)

Give her time. I'm sure Jill will see you were coming from a good place.

I hope so.

I really don't want to lose her as a friend.

When I got pregnant with this one, I had a friend who didn't think it was a good idea.

I came this close to having an abortion.

What?!

I told you this.

Uh-uh.

Would've remembered.

Calm down, I didn't do it.

Who?

Who told you to get rid of me?

Well, you don't know her, because I never spoke to her again.

That's my point, that might happen between you and Jill.

Wait, so in one breath, you just told me that you almost aborted me and I may lose one of my best friends forever.

What kind of pep talk is that?

Oh, my God, you get mad at me when I pay attention, you get mad at me when I don't pay attention.

Well, well, well...

Another private gathering.

Don't be silly, it's not private.

Yeah, we just forgot about you.

Oh, okay then.

So what's going on?