The Saphrax Protocol

[Electricity buzzes] [Suspenseful music] [Objects clatter] He could be anywhere, and he's under the protection of Agent Samson. There will be causalities. [Thud] Move in helicoidal agony maneuver. Teams of four. [Gun clicks] We don't stop till we have Dr. Venture. [Door opens, guns cock] [Yawns] What's going on in here? Huh That was super easy. [Thud] 7x10 - The Saphrax Protocol Dr. Venture. So good to see you again! You look like a million dollars. Trim. Oh, so trim! What's your secret? - [Chuckles] I don't eat too many - Nope. Don't care. What are you doing? Secure the extraction site. I left a little team behind. Oh-ho, did you? Left a little team? Get back in line! You're all going! Nobody returns till Samson is secured. [Air hisses] Oh, hello, you two. Glad you decided to join us two hours late. - We took the shuttle. - Will you please use the teleporter? We didn't steal it for nothing. What happened to Phage was a fluke. The teleporter is perfectly safe. It was being used for tonight's blackout team operation. What's this about Phage? He's not tending to his llama farm? I knew that llama farm thing was fake! Llama bacon is ridiculous! What happened to Phage?! - Llama meat has half the calories of pork! - Limb, come on. Phage had a little teleporter mishap a while back. It's nothing to worry about unless you guys have, like, biomechanics or metal parts. We were going to pierce our ear like Jimmy from "Road House. " The gentleman who beat everyone up with a pool cue! You can still pierce your ear. - Now can we move on, please? - Get into your robe. The candidates are hoodwinked in the Ritual Space. And don't muck this up, you guys. This is a very important Tenning for me. [Wind howling] Hello? Hello?! Hello, anyone? [Creepy music] Ooh. Hello, um, dolls. Hank! Do not move! They've caught your scent. Are you gonna like do something, or? They can't see you if you stand perfectly still. Do not move. Dude, they're dolls. Why can't I just kick 'em over? I don't know. I never thought of that. I-I just tried the standing still thing. They scare the crap out of me. [Light clatter] Not at all scary. That blue one, she's, like, in charge. - Admit it's unsettling. - It's just not. Why are you on Hoth dressed as a Wookiee? I'm Mark Hand The Catchman. And this is the Ice of Wier. And, Hank we're dead. So, Heaven is "The Empire Strikes Back. " - Nice. - No. Purgatory is "Barbarella. " - What is "Barbarella"? - What's Barba It's only the greatest space fantasy movie probably ever. Sir, again, you are thinking of "The Empire Strikes Back. " What the hell happened? [Groans] He Hel B-11-8, you okay? What happened? - Your. Wondpie. Bro. - Huh? I said your windpipe broke. I'll fix that if you answer me. So what is this crap, a Blackout team? Just nod. You got Doc, and you sent a few numb-nuts to keep me busy? Insulting. How many of you are there? [Gurgles] Oh, yeah, the throat. Are there 5? 8? 10? 12? 15? 15, huh? Now we're talkin'. Not you, obviously. I broke your windpipe. Here. [Gasps] Keep your fingers out of that. It'll get infected. [Music] Theophanes the Confessor tells us of the Foederati, the elite fighting force of barbarian mercenaries. From their ranks came Saphrax Tervingian the first man to turn a grudge into a career. - As Council Elder - Oh, by like a year. You, stop it. I welcome all of you to this ancient ritual, the story of Saphrax. All: The first villain. - And his loyal comrade, Altheaeus. - The first henchman. Let Saphrax step into the light and declare his deeds. I, The Monarch, have earned by might and rite the honor and rank of a Level Ten Villain. I am without fear. I am Saphrax. Let us begin the journey of Saphrax the first trial. When Saphrax was a boy, he lost his favorite stone in the Log Of The Beast. - You must find his stone. - Yet the beast sleeps inside. Disturb the beast, and his wrath will be quick! Put Put my hand in there? - And retrieve the stone. - Really? This isn't, like, a thing, like, where I just spin the cart and the stone shoots out and you're all impressed with my cleverness? You're not Matthew Broderick. Just put your hand in there! [Music] Ach. It's really mushy. All: The beast! He lives in his waste. His log has never been cleaned. Do you have what it takes to find the stone?! Chill out! I'm trying not to get bit! Wha The beast doesn't bite. What, do you think we'd have a vicious animal up here in space? He doesn't bite? What What was all that talk about his wrath? You're touching poop! It's pretty gruesome. I wouldn't do it. [Footsteps] [Suspenseful music] Aaaaagh! [Chuckles] [P. A. system feedback screeches] [Echoing over P. A. ] Testing. Testing. Hello, idiots. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for accepting this suicide mission. Your target, a one Brock Samson, has been really bored lately and will enjoy the shit outta this. Each one of you fine soldiers will be sacrificed for his amusement. Your unavoidable deaths will become the stuff of legend. Every new recruit will hear the story of the time the Guild Blackout got locked in the VenTech Tower behind 7-inch, bomb-proof steel doors and were killed one by one in glorious service to this dumb-ass guild you joined. Good luck out there, and thank you for your service. [Beeps] Oh come on, Hatred. You really don't keep a gun back here? What's wrong with you? Hatred: Now, I'm a by-the-book kinda guy. Everything above board. You know? Straight shooter. So I'm not gonna spin some cock-and-bull story about being a relative. But I ask you, what is family? Because I promise I exceed every qualification one could possibly ascribe to that noble word. - Are you a blood relation or not? - Bested! Oh! Nightly nurse Cindy Marie Abrams, - you are my Waterloo. - All right. If you could just have a seat in the waiting room. Of course. Moriarty to my Sherlock! Saturated fat to my delicious chocolate cookie. Anyway, I wrote it all down, so [Clears throat] Dear Hank, I am a crap brother. [Monitor beeping, respirator hissing] One I ate that half of a Whatchamacallit bar you left in the fridge, and I blamed Brock for it. Two Remember your Bop It Extreme? I broke it. Like, intentionally. All right, that one, I don't really regret. I mean, remember that song it played? It was totally insane, and it never stopped. Spin it, pull it, bop it! Break me into pieces! [Sighs] Okay, three Remember when you liked that 98 Degrees song, and I was like, "Oh, that's stupid, and that guy looks like a shoe box with eyes"? Well, I liked it, too. I was embarrassed. Four I borrowed your 98 Degrees CD and didn't tell you. [Music] No no no, this is my death dream. You're in my Purgatory, my Barbarella Purgatory! - It's not a Mynoc. - Uh, news flash you had a stroke right before Thanksgiving. You're in a coma. You're not dead. I did? Well, doesn't that beat all. - When the heck did youhave a stroke? - No clue. I remember going out to rescue my girlfriend, and then I'm here. I must have had a stroke from worrying about my true love. Yeah, your dad was like that, too. If someone got drunk and smiled at him, he dug in his heels and rode that poor woman till she stopped taking his calls and moved to another town. She also changed her name, and I can't tell you what her new name is. - Are you talking about my mom? - Yes. And damn it, Hank, you're missing my point! You haven't really done anything with your life, and now you're obsessing over puppy love. Not puppy! What was my mom's name?! It's Bobbi Saint Simone! And you have to grow the heck up! Your obsessive first love gave you a stroke. I've had a lot of loves, thank you. That's a dumb name! She was an actress! And you had one girlfriend. [Creature snarls] Aah! Wampa! [Gasping] End of the line. Nowhere to go. - I'll shoot! - Please. Go ahead. [Thud, objects clatter] [Gasps] What are you? I'm the guy that's gonna shove this blade so far up your ass that Come on! When did they issue poisoned teeth to you guys? That's cheating! Watch: Run it again. That That can't be right. Dude, it says the same thing as it did the last three times. - No way. - It's definitely way. Oh, we got another one. They're stacking up like cord wood. Who cares about that? Dude, run the data again. - This can't be true. - I'm telling you, it's true! According to this clunky old blood analyzer, The Monarch and Dr. Venture are blood related! [Music] Red Mantle: Saphrax, heavy with goat and burdened with terrible chicken, came to the bridge and was stopped by the keeper. - I'm so proud of you, sweetie. - I, Saphrax, wish to cross. What is your business on the other side? Young Saphrax, still angry from taking the awful advice from the magic chicken, was impetuous, and answered There, on the other side, your mother waits to willingly fornicate. All: Oh, no, he didn't! You shall not pass. Then, from the wood, came Altheaeus. All: The first Henchman. And he did aid Saphrax. Bridge keeper, behind you stands my troops, 100 strong and thirsty for bridge-keeper blood. Really? I shall look behind. - I have made you look. - Hunh! I have been deceived expertly! All: Altheaeus, the father of "made you look. " Let Altheaeus step into the light and declare his deeds. I, Henchman 21, have earned by might and rite the honor and rank of a Level Ten Henchman. I am without fear. I am Altheaeus. Altheaeus, you have performed beyond that of a mere henchman. You have earned the station of Villain. Wait, what? T-This wasn't in my script. - Like, me, or my character? Me? - You, Henchman 21, have earned the title of a Level 4 Super Villain. What the [bleep]? This was my party! Dean: Number 57 We just stopped being close. I never tell you anything anymore. Did I tell you pop was cloned like us? Yeah. Helper's brother told me that. Whoa. Did I even tell you that Helper has a brother? Oh Oh, my God. Do you even know that Dermott is our half brother? Yeah, he's the son of that girl you lost your virginity to who dad knocked up. He told me when he was drunk. He also told me he still masturbates. Ew. Anyway 58 I'm jealous that you don't care you're dressed like Batman in public. - Hey. Hank. You okay? - I'm okay. Are there Wampas in "Barbarella"? Oh, God, no. So far, I've only been attacked by little kids, dolls, and a bunch of damn canaries. - That was like a real monster. - See? "Empire Strikes Back". Well, how do you kill those things in your movie? I use the Force to get my lightsaber and lob his arm off. But I'm clearly Lando Calrissian here. His weapons are smoldering sexuality and a rakish smuggler's charm. So I'll seduce the wampa, and then I'll sell you out to the Empire. [Roars] Aah! He's back! Start seducin'! Oh, sweet baby Wampa, I don't claim you can have a better time with Hank 45 than without it but why take chances? [Laser fires] [Thud] I didn't know I could do that. [Bodies thud] - Follow me! - Is he from "Empire Strikes Back"? - Kinda - I think I wanna see that movie. [Music] With the taste of love still on his breath, Saphrax made his way to the throne of Emperor Flavius and unsheathed his sword. Rise, Flavius, and meet your doom. It is I, Saphrax, your sworn enemy. I have bed your wife twice and now leave her to you, soaked in my seed. All: Saphrax, the father of players. Wait! Use my sword, Mr. Monarch. This isn't wood. This is a real sword. Yes. And that is your real sworn enemy. - You begged me for a line and - Yes. Yes, of course. Mr. Monarch, here in this ritual space that is in space anything can happen. [Muffled shouting] Z: We all know the choice that Saphrax made. But what is your choice? So I can just like kill him? - No. No. No. No. - We will cover it up, and you'll get away scot-free. Your grudge will be settled, and you'll be free to do whatever. We shall leave you two alone. What you say is yours. What you do is yours. What you decide is yours. [Muffled shouting] Raaaaaaah! Hold on I gotta whiz. You wanna take a whiz break? Anyone wanna take a whiz break? For like, for real? You serious? Yeah, seriously. What about you, guy with a bead on me who needs to reload? [Gun clicks] Man: Damn it! How did you I learned to count when I was 3. - Do you need to piss or what? - Yeah. Hatred: I respect your position. I myself man a reception desk. But everyone has a price. Now, I'm a man of modest means, but I do have something everybody needs once in a while, and I know how to work it. Okay, this is the last one. The 124th reason I'm a crap brother. [Sighs] I slept with Sirena. I-I don't even know why I did it. I mean, it's not like we're in love or anything. I just I was stupid, and I miss you. And I miss when it was just us all alone at the compound with with no schools or Sirenas or Jareds or confusions. Just us alone in our stupid beds with Grandpop talking to us in our sleep. [Sighs, sniffles] Aw. Hank. I always wished I had hair like yours. [Bleep] you, Hank. [Scoffs, sobs] [Sighs] You know how they say that we come into this world alone and we leave it alone? Well, we came into it together. So come back to me. Please. Phage: So I-I step into a teleporter, and I end up here in We're calling it coma town. We had different strokes. What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis? [Chuckles] We did nothing?! Neither of you have seen "Diff'rent Strokes"? - I haven't even seen "Barbarella. " - Neither have I. Does "Barbarella" have a glowing lake of goo? You've seen the Matmos? Take us there! Yeah, this delicious slab of aged beef is all yours if you just give me three minutes inside with Hank. You could do what you want with me, and I'll just purr "Yes, ma'am. " There you are. Could you uh, maybe get your friend to stop? Hatred, put your shirt on. I'll stay here with Hank. You should really go home and, you know, check on Pop. I mean, I'm sure he's just worried sick about Hank - and could really use your comfort. - Okay, okay. You're right. I'll just come back tomorrow during visiting hours. And tell Hank Yeah. He knows. I'm sure he knows. Phage: What the hell is Matmos? I've seen "Barbarella" maybe 30 times, and I still don't know what the hell Matmos is. It's like this energy that surrounds everything. - Like the Force. - Yeah, but it's confusing, and it might have other powers. It's completely unnecessary to the plot of the movie. Ohh. Like midi-chlorians. This is the Force. You said I gotta grow up, right? Well, what's more grown up than jumping into the Matmos? I don't know, a mortgage? Prostate swelling? Child-support payments? I'm not sure that jumping into that thing - would even be on the list. - Don't cry. You'll rust so dreadfully. Here. Here's your oil can. - Oh. - Goodbye. Where did you get this can? I think I'll miss you most of all. Mwah! Time to be a man! If I don't come back, I'm either awake or extra coma dead. Also, I'm pretty sure my brother slept with my girlfriend. [Grunts] See ya later, suckers! That kid has moxie. That kid has undiagnosed attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Ward: Uh, this one has a note pinned to it. "Send Doc back now! Or I'm coming through this thing myself. " - You think Brock wrote it? - Obviously. Now let's go get Doc. And tell everybody he's related to the Monarch. Will you stop that? Show some class. A little decorum. [Music] Your sword is without blood. Emperor Flavius lives? - Yeah, yeah. He's He's still - Saphrax has decided to carry his grudge without the help of Altheaeus? [Sighs] You know what I've decided? [Sword clatters] That you guys are [bleep]ing dicks. I come here to get my Level Ten, and and you give my henchman Villain status and give me the opportunity to kill my sworn enemy? It's a total mind [bleep]! This is the way of our guild, Mr. Monarch. We must hear your decision. Step into the light, Altheaeus. [Bleep] it. [Bleep] it. [Bleep] it. Sure, let 21 be a villain. I-I'm done. What, you think I can do this shit alone? I'm too old to start again. And now that you guys have my wife and and my best friend and No! [Bleep] it! [Bleep] it, and [bleep] you! Guild wins. Monarch out. You know what? Me, too. I don't want to have to be a villain without him. I don't have that kind of Saphrax grudge. I just want to help my best friend with his hate. [Bleep] you guys. Monarch crew. Hench for life. Good! Good. You have completed the final trial. Saphrax spared the life of Emperor Flavius and swore a blood allegiance to Altheaeus as you have done here tonight. Sweetie, it was a test, and you passed. So So I'm a Level Ten? - You and your Henchman - Number 2. rightfully are Level Ten Villains with all benefits that title is heir to. Congratulations. All: All hail Saphrax and Altheaeus! All hail! Yeah! All hail Saphrax! Congratu Look, I don't want to mess up the after party, but we need to get Doctor Venture back. I gotta say it. I-I can't hold it in. - Dude, not the right time. - I have to! It's just too good! [Monarch yells] Are you kidding me?! [Up-tempo music] [Music finishing] Mr. Venture? Mr. Venture. Mr. Venture. [Groans] - [Gasps] Yes? - Your brother is gone. What? What? No! He was stable! - They said he was stable! What happened? - No, no, no, Mr. Venture. He didn't die. He's gone. - What? - Well. He's not in his bed. - He, like, left. - But - W - He's gone. Hank! Hank! [Music] Hank? Hank?! Oh. Sorry. Hank: I'm everywhere and nowhere. I'm a man on a mission and a mission on a man. I'll find myself even if I have to look in myself. It's time I grow up. Call me The Bat. Poop!