How The Dark Knight Should Have Ended

(We begin with Superman telling his version of the ending of Superman Returns)

Superman: So I just lifted the entire island out of the ocean and I was about to throw it into outer spa-.

Batman: STOP TALKING! (transforms into his movie form) It's my turn now.

Superman: Well, it's about ti-. Wait, is that your new stage voice?

Batman: Yeah. What about it?

Superman: Well, I mean, are you, like, gargling marbles or something? I can barely understa-.

Batman: ZAAARGHHSGAHHHAAAARRGGHHHAARRGGH!!!!!!!! (leaves)

(Logo. Begin with magic pencil scene)

Joker: How about a magic trick? (sticks a pencil into the table) I'm gonna make this pencil disappear. (A goon attempts to grab him but gets slammed into the area the pencil was imbedded) TA-DA! It's gone!

Russian: That wasn't a magic trick. I saw the pencil went up into his eye. This is lame.

(Fast forward to the "Let her go" scene)

Batman: Let her go.

Joker: Very poor choice of words. (lets go of Rachel, who falls to her death)

Batman: RACHEL! (goes after her)

Rachel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Batman: (grabs Rachel) I got ya!

(They land on a car roof, crushing it)

Batman: You alright?

Rachel: I'm okay. I don't know how we completely smashed this car.

Batman: Hm.

Rachel: So, are you gonna go back up and catch Joker?

Batman: Hmmmmm...... Nah. I'm sure everything's fine.

(Fast forward to the best bit. Batman is driving towards Joker on the Bat-Pod)

Joker: Come on. Come on. I want you to do it. Come on!

(Batman is gaining)

Joker: Come on. Come on. I want you to do it. I want you to do it. Come on. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.

Batman: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!

Joker: Hit me!

Batman: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!

Joker: HIT ME!

Batman: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!

(Cut to later in The Super Cafe)

Batman: Whamo.

Superman: Whoa! Hold on a second! You hit him?!

Batman: Yep.

Superman: You hit The Joker?!

Batman: Uh-huh.

Superman: You ran over a human being?!

Batman: Sure did.

Superman: But.....? What about your rule?!

Batman: (takes a sip of his coffee) Didn't kill him.

(Cut to a hospital room. Joker is in a full-bodied cast)

Joker: (groans) Do you wanna know how I got these scars?

Nurse: Mm. From Batman?

Joker: From Batman.

(Cut back to The Super Cafe)

Batman: Hey, he SAID he wanted me to do it.

Superman: You, sir, are bold. I bet Gotham loves you now.

Batman: Well, it turns out that Joker already had this unbeatable plan. A lot of people died and now the city hates me.

Superman: What?! They hate you?! How is this a good story?

Batman: It's because I'm the hero Gotham deserves but not the one it needs. It's complicated but pretty awesome once you think about it.

Superman: Yeah, I don't know what any of that means. But, Dude, do you know what I would've done?

Batman: Oh, I don't know. Probably just....

Both: Fly really fast, saving everyone from the bullets and explosions.

Superman: Exactly!

Batman: Yeah, well, I can't do all those things because I'm not a super bulletproof alien from another planet that can defy gravity. But do you know what I can do?

Superman: What's that?

Batman: Make an incredibly awesome movie! Do you know why?

Superman: Because you're-.

Batman: Because I'm Batman!

The end.

Superman: So, are we just gonna pretend, like, those guys never happen?

(Pan over to Original Film versions of Riddler, Two-Face, Penguin, and Mr. Freeze. Pan back)

Superman: Is that what we're doing?

Batman: Yep.

(Cut to Jim Gordon with Two-Face)

Gordon: How are you even speaking so clearly?!

Two-Face: I makes no sense! I should be like "IIII've onla got ha a faaaaaa."