The Horse Rider-Er

Dear Diary, how are you?

I am fine.

(sighs) Okay, I'm not fine.

You got me. God, you're good.

It's just... I'm 13 and never even ridden a horse.

I mean, my imaginary horse, Jericho's, great, of course, but I'm ready for the real thing.

And I've found just the right place.

It's the week-long Hoof Dreams Horse Camp in Montana.

You get to participate in a live horse birth.

And a sunrise ride to the top of a mountain where a Native American gives you an honorary horse-inspired name.

And that at the end, you get to keep the horse.

So it's a really great bang for your buck... ing... bronco.

Just a little joke.

Anyway, I just wish there was some way I could express all this to Mom and Dad.

The end.

Huh. Do people normally read their diary entries out loud?

Oh. Did you guys hear that?

How is Jericho the imaginary horse these days?

He's good.

He just got his imaginary bangs trimmed, and I think it's made him much more confident.

Look, we know you want to go to that horse camp, Tina.

You've left pamphlets everywhere.

Like here, under my food... ugh.

Well, then you know there's still time to sign me up this summer.

And there's still time to sign me up for Ham Slam: The ham convention in Orlando.

We just can't afford horse camp, honey.

It costs 2,000 bucks.

Dad would have to work until he was 90.

That's in ten years, Tina.

I'm not 80.

We barely have enough to fix the deep fryer, Tina.

It's been broken for two days, so we've got to use...

(moaning)

Tina, I'm sor...

‭(moaning)

Uh, I thought you were done. Okay.

All right.

Well, take your time.

That's fine.

All right. That's fine.

(moaning continues)

Hey, what's up, Tina?

Why the long face?

Hi, Jericho.

It's just that I can't go to the Hoof Dreams Horse Camp, so now I'll probably be sad for the rest of my life, but besides that I'm good.

Oh, Tina, you have the hardest life sometimes, and yet, you're so strong.

I know.

Hey, who needs real horses, anyway?

Can a real horse do this?

(scatting)

Probably not.

Here. Move over.

Hmm.

‭Just... little more.

(grunts) ‭Scooch.

Come on. A little more.

I can't go anymore.

I know what will cheer you up.

Tell me the story of how we met.

I don't know if I'm in the mood.

Just kidding. I am.

(laughs) Oh, Tina.

Tina: So there we were.

Shipwrecked on a deserted island.

Jericho: What was I like?

Tina: You were wild.

(whinnies)

No one could tame you, except one girl named me.

Come on. Come on.

No.

‭Come on. Come on.

Nuh-uh. No.

‭Got some leaves.

I'm wild.

‭I know, but look.

I'm wild.

‭They're so good.

I would never eat out of your Han...

Oh, my God, I'm doing it.

Gallup, Gallup, Gallup, Gallup.

Gallup, Gallup, Gallup, Gallup, Gallup, Gallup, Gallup, Gallup, Gallup, Gallup, Gallup, Gallup.

Yay!

You tamed me! (laughing)

(yells)

I'm okay.

(laughing)

(whooping)

Yikes.

Yeah.

We got to get this girl to horse camp.

Pronto.

Louise: So, yeah, just sell this stuff.

Use the money to pay for Tina's horse camp, and give us whatever's leftover.

You're welcome.

Guys, it's very sweet of you, but we're not selling your stuff.

Plus, no offense, but I don't think it would cover the cost.

I mean, this is a pinecone.

Gene: Mr. Pinecone.

We got to do something, people!

You know we could push off fixing the deep fryer for a few months, and use that money to send Tina to a cheaper horse camp around here.

Yeah, but we need the deep fryer fixed.

We need fries.

Do you though, Dad? I mean, the restaurant's called Bob's Burgers, not Bob's Burgers and Fries.

Yeah, just 'cause fries are salty and delicious and no one in history has ever eaten a burger without them, doesn't mean we should serve them.

Come on, Bobby, please?

For Tina?

(sighs) What the hell.

Let's do it.

Maybe we don't need fries... for now.

Yeah, okay, yeah?

All right!

‭Yeah!

We're pushing off the deep fryer repair.

(laughing): Our lives are so exciting.

Linda: Tina!

Come here, baby.

We got something to tell ya!

(moaning)

I know.

Time for breakfast.

Thanks for including me.

No. Not that. This.

(groans) Great.

Now I need a spoon.

Can anything ever go right?

Tina (whistles).

Up here.

For God's sake, look up, woman!

All: Hurray!

(mimics fanfare)

Sorry, my glasses are smudgy.

Let me just clean them real quick.

‭Oh, my God.

Hmm. Okay.

"You're going to..." (gasps)

Now, it's not the Montana one, sweetie, but it's a very affordable day camp that's close by. Hurray!

Did you... did you hear that, Tina?

Is she breathing?

Did we kill her?

(whispering): I'm so happy.

What? What she's saying?

What was that?

I'm so happy!

‭BOB: Oh.

Hooray! ‭All right! Horse camp!

Ow, Tina. Too hard.

Well, Jericho, this is it.

My first day of horse camp.

I'm finally going to get to ride a real horse.

Wow. I'm-I'm really happy for you.

I really treasure the time we've had together.

Me, too. (chuckles)

And I'll never forget you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's happening here?

Oh, I just assume that when I get home, you'll be gone.

What? Why would you assume that?

Because you're an imaginary horse, and I'm about to ride a real horse, and I just...

What? No, no, no.

I'm not imaginary.

You're the... you're the imaginary one.

Not me. You are!

Jericho, please.

Don't start that again.

Last time you said it, it really messed me up.

But I'm real!

I'm real! I'm real!

I'm real!

Hey, hey.

Come here.

(sobbing)

I didn't know this would be our last day together.

I know, let's make it count.

What am I even wearing?

Wearing cutoffs?

I didn't even dress for this!

You look great, Jericho.

(crying): Oh, God.

‭There, there.

There, there, there, there, there.

Oh, Tina!

‭Okay, okay, okay.

All right.

‭Oh, Tina.

All right.

I got to go.

What?

I-I got to go. Bye.

No, wait. Don't go.

There, there. Bye.

No, no, no. I got... no.

I-I got to go. It's okay.

I'll treasure you forever.

(sobbing)

Linda: I'll pick you up at 4:00, honey.

Have a good first day at horse camp.

Thanks, Mom.

(sighs)

I am home.

Oh, hell neigh.

Ugh.

‭Hi, Tina.

Tammy, Jocelyn.

What a fun surprise, you guys are here.

Well, it was either this or going to visit my grandmother, and she's like older than my parents.

Ew, gross.

Linda: Aw, one of my babies, finally going to camp.

But what about Gene and Louise?

Poor, no-camp Gene and Louise.

It's so unfair. Unless...

(clattering)

Oh, Linda! Watch the road.

There you go, Teddy.

Great. Where are the fries?

Teddy, remember?

We used the deep fryer money for Tina's horse camp, so...

Right. Right.

Tina's horse camp. I get it.

We all got to make sacrifices, like the taste of those crispy fries in my mouth, absorbing my sadness.

Teddy.

‭Nope, you're right.

Tina's going to horse camp.

That's great.

She's a good kid.

I hope she's having a real good time, Bob!

All right, Teddy.

Calm down.

Linda, what are you wearing?

Don't worry, Bob.

I got it all worked out.

All what worked out?

(whistle blows)

(yelling) ‭BOB: Ow.

Gene, Louise, listen up.

Tina's not the only one going to camp.

Turns out we're sending you off to camp, too.

W-wait. We are?

Both: You are? ‭Yeah.

You're going to...

Da, da, da, da...

Restaurant Camp.

Oh.

‭Huh.

Restaurant Camp?

Uh, Gene, private meeting.

‭Where?

Behind this menu.

Okay, I'll be right there.

Whatever it is that Mom's proposing, we should do it, 'cause maybe it'll get us out of work.

It's not work when you love what you do, which we don't, so yeah.

Lin, behind the menu, now.

What, what?

What are we talking about, guys?

The fry situation's gotten out of control, agree?

No, we're not talking about that now.

Lin, what's Restaurant Camp?

It's like regular camp, but in the restaurant.

But the restaurant is in the restaurant.

But this is Restaurant Camp.

Why is this so hard for you?

It's the only way to make it fair for all the kids.

Okay, uh, guys?

Wh-where are you?

Right here, behind the menu.

Oh, listen.

We're in. Sorry Dad.

We'd love to finish with all this, but we're off to camp.

Hello.

I'm Doris, your instructor.

And welcome to Horsing Around Riding Center, where a horse is a horse, of course, of course.

I'm contractually obligated to say that.

If it's a reference, I don't recognize it.

Let's get started.

First horse sighting. Nice.

So this here is Duchess, and she is a...

Palomino. 13 hands high. No 14.

Uh, correct.

Let's go over some terminology, shall we?

Uh, does anyone know what this is?

The withers.

‭Uh-huh.

Can anyone tell me what...

The crest.

(groans) But how about...

The chestnut. Bony part of the inner side of the leg.

The gaskin: Muscular part of the hind leg.

Well, why don't we let one of the other girls try to answer.

You, what's this?

Um, horse.

The croup.

It's the croup.

All right, uh, let's get out a saddle and take a look at it.

Jeez, Tina, you're such a horse ass kissperer.

Well, Tammy, I happen to have done many hours of research on the Internet, and on my imaginary horse, Jericho.

Wait, what did you say?

Your what?

My imaginary horse.

Don't you... all... have... one?

I can see by your faces that you don't, and neither do I, so that's settled.

Imaginary horse, what?

(laughing): Oh, look. A cloud.

(gasps) She's right.

Linda: Now, full disclosure, I've never been to camp.

Promising start.

But I've seen a lot of camp movies, so we're fine.

And our first activity of the day is arts and crafts.

We're going to make God's eyes out of everyday restaurant straws.

I want to make my God's eye winking, so it looks like God's flirting with me.

Now, it's very simple, I'm assuming.

Just got to weave them together and...

Hmm. All right.

This is hard to watch.

(Linda groaning)

Hey, hey!

What, Teddy?

You fix the deep fryer, yet?!

No, Teddy, it's been, like, two hours.

Well, fix it.!

It's fine. Y-you really don't need fries, sir.

T-trust me.

Please don't look so sad.

We're trying.

Okay, horse assignments for the week.

Jocelyn, you'll be with our least difficult horse, Blackjack.

Where's his head?

Oh, he's just looking the other way.

Tammy, you'll be with Dragonfly.

Can I get another one?

This one completely clashes with my outfit.

No.

Tina, since you've demonstrated so much knowledge, I'm thinking you'll be able to handle one of our more challenging horses.

Time to make a soul connection.

Meet Plops.

Oh.

Plops. What a pretty name.

Why is he called Pl...

(plopping)

Okay. That makes sense.

Alison, you're with Sugarcube.

Okay, bond with him.

Maybe open with a joke.

Knock-knock.

And then you say, "who's there?"

Then I say, Orange.

And then you say, "Orange who?"

You turn away from me, um, okay.

I'm just going to... follow you.

Do you want to just stand still for a second, hear this funny joke?

(plopping)

Oops. There you go.

Classic Plops. (chuckles)

Linda: Oh... isn't floor-canoeing fun, campers?

It's flanoeing.

My oars are sore.

Excuse me, just trying to get to the bathroom here.

Uh, Linda, can I talk to you?

Sure.

Keep canoeing, kids.

Stay there, I'll swim to you.

So...

Camp Restaurant is, uh, great.

Restaurant Camp, yes.

That's what... yeah.

‭Right... but don't you think the camp is a little in the way?

What?! No, no, no, no.

Besides, look how much fun the kids are having.

(both grunting)

Uh-huh, uh, yeah.

So, how long is camp?

Like five more minutes?

Jimmy: Hey, is there some kind of a free camp going on here?

There sure is.

Great, hey, kids, have fun.

J-Jimmy, wait, I...

Yay!

‭Yay!

Oh, boy.

Okay, we're about to begin the riding lessons, and on the last day there will be a riding exhibition, for your parents to take pictures at.

Now, time to mount.

It's just like getting on a horse.

Sorry, I don't have any analogies.

This is really happening.

(Tina hums in her head)

(whinnies) ‭Oh.

Okay, let's get our horses to walk.

Squeeze with your heels.

Squeezing.

Come on, Plops.

(groaning)

Tina, you seem to be not moving at all.

Is that what you were going for?

Tina: No, not exactly.

(grunts)

Okay, officially riding.

Wait, where are you going?

'Cause it kind of seems like you're headed right for the fence, fence, fence.

Take control, Tina.

He's trying to scrape you off.

No, we're getting along great.

(shouts)

My knee's turned around!

Nope, just my pants. I'm fine.

Hey, Tina, maybe you thought this was fencing camp.

(Tammy and Jocelyn laugh)

I don't get it.

Ow, I'm okay.

Ow, no, I'm not.

Ow, yes, I am.

Ow, everything's great, ow.

Yay, horse camp!

Boy, what a great first day at Restaurant Camp, huh, kids?

Any thoughts? Comments?

Our counselor wears short shorts!

Okay...

Hey, Tina, you haven't said a word about horse camp.

How was it, hon?

Good, really good.

Great!

Just because my horse, Plops, hates me and stepped on my foot, and bit my hair, and peed all over my backpack, doesn't mean that I'm not having a great time.

Wait, what?

Tina, that's horrible.

Tina, you know, you could always...

Do anything and everything to win Plops over?

Um... I was gonna say quit?

(laughs) Oh, father.

There's no quit in horse.

It's just that if you quit today, we get a refund, but if you quit tomorrow, we don't.

It's just something I read very carefully in the contract.

Go back to law school, Matlock.

Okay, I think I'm done with dinner, so I'll just be in my room, icing my foot, bandaging some things, and gearing up for an exciting day tomorrow!

(grunting)

Sounds like a plan.

Cool limp.

Thanks.

You can do this.

Bring on that Tina-risma.

Hey, Plops.

Look what your best friend Tina has.

An apple.

Oh, and what's this?

A framed picture of me, huh.

We could just, I don't know, put this up in your stall somewhere, so you can maybe look at it when I'm not here?

Oops, uh, looks like you knocked it out of my hand there.

Let me just...

(glass breaks) Damn it, Plops!

You're gonna let me in.

Also, I brought a back-up picture just in case.

(groans)

♪ Camp ♪ ♪ Camp ♪ ♪ Camp ♪ ♪ Camp ♪ ♪ Camp! ♪

Linda: Okay, a camp camp-out, so exciting, but I got to tell you, I'm a little worried.

That that lighting is not flattering?

No.

I'm worried about Apron Face.

You see, Apron Face used to go to this camp, and now he haunts this place.

Why is he called Apron Face?

He has an apron over his face.

There's got to be another reason.

There isn't, and all the other campers made fun of him.

So, one night, he took his revenge.

He spatula-ed them all to death!

You know what, I just got to step out for a minute.

So, Restaurant Camp is fun, right?

We're honestly asking.

We-we don't know.

Fun?

‭Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no.

‭No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No?

Uh-uh, you see, Restaurant Camp gets us out of work, so...

Ollie: Uh-huh... wait, what?

Okay, if we were ranking things, it would go everything in the world...

Mm-hmm.

‭Mm-hmm.

...then Restaurant Camp way down here...

Mm-hmm.

‭Mm-hmm.

...then a little below that, work.

And a little below that, uh, genocide.

Andy: Ah, now I get it.

Ollie: The visual was helpful, thank you.

(yells)

(all screaming)

Wow, Apron Face!

That was actually pretty scary.

Yeah.

Okay, time for bed!

Andy: Are we not doing s'mores?

Linda: No s'mores, go to sleep!

Andy: Okay. ‭OLLIE: Good night.

Bye, Tina, my good one.

See you this afternoon for your riding exhibition.

Can't wait.

Super excited.

Oh, and have a good last day at Restaurant Camp.

(groans)

Look at us, Plops, having a nice, pleasant trail ride.

I think someone's starting to like old Tina.

Ow!

Still a little bit of tension there.

Maybe it's time for Mr. Apple to pay another visit.

Okay, we're gonna trot.

Now there's a fork in the trail up here, so keep control of your horse and stick to the right!

(all grunting)

(shouts) Whoops!

(whinnies)

(screaming)

(screaming)

Everybody still back there?

All (grunting): Yes!

(screaming continues)

Bobby, look over there.

Don't look at me.

What, why?

‭Don't look at me!

Huh, you brought fries?

Yeah, I brought fries.

Where'd you get them from?

I-I'd rather not say.

Wait a second, those are crinkle cut.

Did you get fries from across the street?

Did you bring Jimmy Pesto's fries into my restaurant?!

You did this!

Fix your damn fryer, Bob!

You want it fixed, Teddy?!

Fix it yourself!

Huh, handy man?!

I will fix it!

I'm going in the kitchen.

You don't have any tools, Teddy!

I know what I'm doing!

(grunting, clattering)

Teddy, it sounds like you're just shaking it.

I got my own process, Bob!

(grunting, clattering)

Ugh, kids, what are you doing?

We're making a napkin swamp.

We're just pouring water on a bunch of napkins, basically.

It's like being back on the bayou.

Well, you're making a giant mess.

W-where's your mom?

What happened to Restaurant Camp?

Mom said the last day of camp was a free day.

She's in the basement grinding meat.

Get out of work, well, I'll show you.

(grunts)

Uh-oh, looks like there was a murder!

We need CSI: Napkin Swamp.

Stop! You know what?

Restaurant Camp is cancelled.

Just... everybody, go upstairs.

Go upstairs and do what?

Whatever you want, just go.

So, no Restaurant Camp and no restaurant?

And no pants?

Keep them on till you're upstairs!

(grunting)

The power of Christ compels you!

The power of...

(groaning)

So much galloping!

(groaning) Branch, branch!

(shouts)

Plops!

This is the life, huh, Gene?

Good-bye, restaurant, good-bye, Restaurant Camp.

Good-bye, arts and crafts.

I mean, I am happy with how my god's eye straw bra came out.

God's getting an eyeful, but, uh, yeah.

No more, thank you.

I did kind of like Apron Face, and it may be my Halloween costume this year, but, yeah, good riddance.

Yup.

‭Yup.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

We miss Restaurant Camp.

What?

It gave us structure and purpose, and it got us inner-city kids out of the city for a change.

You-you miss Restaurant Camp?

What do you mean you miss Restaurant Camp?

I kind of shut it down and told them to go upstairs.

(gasps) Of course!

It all makes sense!

It's a classic camp movie story.

The kids just needed to have the camp taken away from them by Old Man Belcher.

The b*st*rd!

He can go to hell!

Kids.

There must be some way we can convince Old Man Belcher not to shut us down.

b*st*rd.

Bob: Gene.

Oh, we got to do a show.

A camp show with skits and songs and skit songs.

It's perfect!

So, how about it, Old Man Belcher?

Uh...

(in old man voice): These skits better be pretty damn good.

Yay! ‭Yay! ‭Yay!

(whoops)

Plops?

Anyone?

Doris?

Hello?

Plops!

You came back for me!

Crap.

♪ Restaurant camp is the ♪ ♪ Best-aurant camp ♪ ♪ All the rest of the camps just aren't ♪ ♪ That's why dear ♪ ♪ Old restaurant camp is in our little hearts. ♪

(whoops)

Well, Old Man Belcher?

Did we save the camp or what?

(in old man voice): The camp stays open.

All: Hurray!

That was so moving.

Changing the subject, turns out I cannot fix the deep fryer, but who needs fries?

You know what's good: Chips.

You guys have chips, Bob?

Uh, no.

‭Damn it!

Are you serious?!

Oh, my God, what time is it?

We're late for Tina's riding exhibition thingy!

We got to go!

Doris: Okay, Jocelyn, let's see a turn!

Look, Mom, I'm on a horse.

I know.

Oh, good, we found you.

Not really, I kind of just walked back here.

Well, uh, Plops is in his stall.

Oh, good.

Jocelyn, finish up with a trot!

Okay.

(grunting)

Tina, come on, get Plops.

You're next.

(groaning)

(Jericho whinnying)

(gasps)

Hey, Tina.

Need a ride?

Jericho, you're here.

How about you drop the Plops and make the swap?

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Doris, I'm not going to ride Plops.

I brought my own horse.

‭Huh?

His name is Jericho, and I don't know if you can tell, but he's imaginary.

I want to ride on a horse that loves me because I deserve that.

Um...

Did we miss it?

Did we miss it?

No, looks like Tina's just about to start, but wait, where's Plops?

So... mount your... uh...

I'll take it from here, Doris.

Oh, all right, yeah.

(grunting)

(gasps) She's riding Jericho.

She-she's doing what?

Turning!

(grunting)

Let's see this pony run.

(grunting)

God, her form is perfect.

Taking this jump!

What jump?

What's going on?

Taking a higher jump!

(shouts)

(all gasp)

I'm okay.

A little too high.

She got back on.

She's so brave.

So, we paid all that money for Tina to ride an imaginary horse.

Yeah, but look how happy she is.

She's beautiful out there.

Yeah, she is.

Dad, I want an imaginary horse.

I-I-I'll find you one right away, honey.

I'll m-make a call, hold on.

Yay, that's my daughter!

Way to go, Tina!

I love my weird, brave sister!

‭Ride, you glorious fool, ride!

(Tina whooping)

(whinnies) Neigh!

♪ Woo-hoo! ♪ ♪ Woo-hoo! ♪