Papercut to Aorta

[ Thunder crashes ] [ laughs evilly ] [ Sawing ] [ Electricity crackles ] It's alive! [ Thunder crashes ] [ laughs evilly ] [ Smooch! ] [ laughs evilly ] la la And that was "La la la la la-la la-la la-la la," smurfing up the charts. Before that we heard "La la la la-la la-la la-la. " Now, at number 84, here's "La-la la, la-la la-la. " la la la-la la smurf radio [ Gun cocks, gunshot ]

ACT: 01 They Meet

Pacman and Mrs. Pacman are running in black title then Pacman gets Beer and Mrs. PacMan gets vodka.

After that they're having drunk sex to this moment,when Mrs. Pac-Man vomits,then Cherry splits.

It's time to take down the master control program! But, Tron, are we powerful enough? Don't worry. There's a new program on the grid that can help us. Hey, basic! Hello. Let's see. "10, print, master control program eats farts. [ Computer beeping ] I do not! Prepare yourself for animation intensity with "The street sharks"! It's in-your-face, half-man, half-shark action that's Totally different from the ninja turtles! Think this is a story about four animals turning into fun-loving teens? [ Buzzer ] [ Deep voice ] Think again! [ Normal voice ] It's about four teens who turn into animals! [ Roars ] And when it comes to fun, they can take it or leave it! [ Surfer accent ] Whoa! Now, that's a fresh take! Plus, you won't hear any hackneyed turtle puns on this show! All: Jawsome! And if you're waiting for the street sharks to eat pizza or mention liking pizza, well, buddy, I hope you don't have somewhere to be, 'cause it's gonna be a long wait! We like hamburgers! And hot dogs! [ Alarm wailing ] Unique character alert! Unique character alert! "The street sharks," this Saturday! It's one shell of a good time -- oh, wait. [ Neighs] Welcome to my book! When you hear my magical unicorn noise [ Twinkle! ] you'll know it's time to turn the page! Let's try it. [ Twinkle! ] What a lovely day to prance through the forest. Say, do you hear voices? [ Children giggling] [ Twinkle! ] Those kids look like they're having fun. But I know how to make it even more fun! [ Twinkle! ] [ laughs ] Come and get your clothes, if you can! [ Twinkle! ] Want to have fun like us? Maybe you should lose those clothes! [ Twinkle! ] Really! Get those clothes off! [ Twinkle! ] I'm dead serious, kids. [ Twinkle! ] [ Neighs contentedly ] There you go. [ Twinkle! ] Know what's also fun? Licking this book! I can only do one thing at a time! [

Act 02: Trouble in Paradise

[''The scene begins with a couple of eyes moving around. Pac-Man enters the setting and turns the lights on, which reveals Ms. Pac-Man having sex with Blinky, Inky, and Clyde in bed. Pac-Man cries while Ms. Pac-Man slumps down in embarrassment.'']

Man:Oh, It says here that people are still reading newspapers. (Robot #1 and Robot #2 break the bathroom door and the man screams)

Robot #1:This-human-is-defecating!

Robot #2:Feces is hard to clean off our micro-servers!

Robot #1:We-will-wait-until-the-human-is-finished-defecating.

Man:Well I can't go if I know you're gonna kill me!

Robot #1:We-will-kill-you-unless-you-go! PARADOX! PARADOX! PARADOX! PARADOX! (The Robot's heads explode)

Man:AH! That God in- (He Poops.) AHHA!

And now the HBO original series "Boardwalk Monopoly. " Roll the dice. Take your chances. That's the Atlantic city way. You can't build a hotel on Baltic! The houses are people's homes! I own those houses! It's called a monopoly, bitch! The community chest is yours for the taking, pennybags! You're damn right it is! [ Growling ] You really gonna fix the beauty pageant for me, mister? No problem! I'm the chairman of the -- bruuu-ohhhh! And for 2nd place, she wins $10! [ Cheers and applause ] That pig! I knew someday it'd be you and me in jail together. Not me, old friend. I'm just visiting. [ laughs ] You backstabbing bastard! I came here with nothing. Then I landed on free parking and won the pot! That's not a real rule! It's how I play! [ Dog whines ] Hey, let's have sex in the men's room! [ Whir! ] Danger! Danger, Will Robinson! [ Slurred ] My name isn't Will Robinson. It doesn't matter. She has crabs! [ Utensils clinking ] Wine? I don't drink wine. Oh. Uh, perhaps a beer, then? I don't drink beer. [ Chuckling ] All right. Well, how about a stiff one? I make a mean Harvey Wallbanger. I don't drink W-whatever you just said. Oh, all right. I'll get you a glass of water. I don't drink water. Boy, you're rackin' up the weirdo points. You know that, buddy? I don't like you. Well, I don't like you! Ariel, listen to your papa! You're not supposed to stray so far from home! But, Sebastian, this is new York city, and we're in the world-famous east river! Those are just human nonsense words! They don't mean anything! But look at their treasures! Check out these things aren't they cool? how would you sit upon this type of stool? what if the wonders above are closer than they appear to be? I wanna be a new yorker I wanna see, wanna see 'em dancin' going to clubs until dawn, and then throwing up interesting things like this I think it's called "Adderall. " Ridin' the subway, it takes you far Central Park, Bloomingdale's, Staten Island Or the place where this shirt came from that says "Slutville" up where they walk, up where it shines up where I'm sure their team wins all the time up there it's stable, eating a bagel up in New Yoooooooooooo-- [ Seagulls cry ] Ugh! Ugh! One of those flying rats just [bleep] in my mouth! I am Robin Hood. I steal from the rich, and I give to the poor! This necklace is covered in jewels! I'm rich! Oh, geez. That's true. Aah! [ Crying ] Me beggin' hand! Ha ha! No, wait. If I steal from the rich, they become poor, and if I give to the poor they become rich! Paradox! Paradox! Paradox!

(Rocky and Bullwinkle are walking along a country road)

Narrator: When we last left our heroes, Rocky and Bullwinkle were looking for work in dust-bowl America!

Rocky: That lady at our last job sure did get mad when you touched her dress.

Bullwinkle: It was "the gropes of wrath".

Rocky: (agitaged) Or attempted rape.

(Rocky and Bullwinkle approach Boris and Natasha at their farm)

Boris: Howdy, comrades! I am Boris Farmvillainov and this is my wife, Natasha.

Narratorr: And so our heroes were given jobs as farmhands.

Bullwinkle: Did you hear that, Rocky? We're getting handjobs!

Natasha: Dollink, you is such handsome, evil genius.

Boris: The Great Depression is hard enough without your patronizing bullshit!

(cut to Rocky, Bullwinkle and Mr. Peabody sitting on bales of hay while Sherman loads hay into a bailer)

Sherman: Golly, Mr. Peabody. 1930s farmlife sure is hard.

Mr. Peabody: That's nothing, Sherman. This afternoon, you're collecting bull semen. Now freshen up my Arnold Palmer.

Bullwinkle: (patting Mr. Peabody's back) Boy, your fur looks soft. (pats Mr. Peabody's neck so hard, he snaps his neck and kills him)

Sherman: I'm free. I'm finally free! (goes into the WABAC machine and transports to ancient Rome, where he meets with sexy women) It's orgy time, bitches!

(cut to Bullwinkle and Natasha alone in a barn)

Natasha: Dollink, is it true what they say about men with big antlers?

Bullwinkle: Uhhh...I don't know. Want to watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat? (pulls out a hat and puts his hand through it, which hits Natasha and kills her)

(cut to Rocky and Bullwinkle alone in the woods; an angry mob is heard coming for them and Rocky is about to put Bullwinkle out of his misery)

Bullwinkle: Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.

Rocky: Oh Bullwinkle, I'm gonna miss how you were always holding me back. (cocks his shotgun)

Narrator: Can Rocky give his friend a dignified death?

(cut to Boris in the barn holding Natasha's dead, disembodied head)

Narrator: How will Boris cope with Natasha's untimely--oh God, that is just fucked up! (coughs) Sorry. Find out next time on "Mind Over Splatter" or "We Need to Talk About Kevin"!

And now the HBO original series "Boardwalk Monopoly. " Roll the dice. Take your chances. That's the Atlantic city way. You can't build a hotel on Baltic! The houses are people's homes! I own those houses! It's called a monopoly, bitch! The community chest is yours for the taking, pennybags! You're damn right it is! [ Growling ] You really gonna fix the beauty pageant for me, mister? No problem! I'm the chairman of the -- bruuu-ohhhh! And for 2nd place, she wins $10! [ Cheers and applause ] That pig! I knew someday it'd be you and me in jail together. Not me, old friend. I'm just visiting. [ laughs ] You backstabbing bastard! I came here with nothing. Then I landed on free parking and won the pot! That's not a real rule! It's how I play! [ Dog whines ] Hey, let's have sex in the men's room! [ Whir! ] Danger! Danger, Will Robinson! [ Slurred ] My name isn't Will Robinson. It doesn't matter. She has crabs! [ Utensils clinking ] Wine? I don't drink wine. Oh. Uh, perhaps a beer, then? I don't drink beer. [ Chuckling ] All right. Well, how about a stiff one? I make a mean Harvey Wallbanger. I don't drink W-whatever you just said. Oh, all right. I'll get you a glass of water. I don't drink water. Boy, you're rackin' up the weirdo points. You know that, buddy? I don't like you. Well, I don't like you! Ariel, listen to your papa! You're not supposed to stray so far from home! But, Sebastian, this is new York city, and we're in the world-famous east river! Those are just human nonsense words! They don't mean anything! But look at their treasures! Check out these things aren't they cool? how would you sit upon this type of stool? what if the wonders above are closer than they appear to be? I wanna be a new yorker I wanna see, wanna see 'em dancin' going to clubs until dawn, and then throwing up interesting things like this I think it's called "Adderall. " Ridin' the subway, it takes you far Central Park, Bloomingdale's, Staten Island Or the place where this shirt came from that says "Slutville" up where they walk, up where it shines up where I'm sure their team wins all the time up there it's stable, eating a bagel up in New Yoooooooooooo-- [ Seagulls cry ] Ugh! Ugh! One of those flying rats just [bleep] in my mouth! I am Robin Hood. I steal from the rich, and I give to the poor! This necklace is covered in jewels! I'm rich! Oh, geez. That's true. Aah! [ Crying ] Me beggin' hand! Ha ha! No, wait. If I steal from the rich, they become poor, and if I give to the poor they become rich! Paradox! Paradox! Paradox!

Act 03: The End

[''Pac-Man, heartbroken, knocks over a bottle of prescription drugs that look like pac-dots and eats them. After that, he starts frothing in the mouth and ceases to exist. The sketch ends''.]

To infinity and beyond!


 * In a town called Los Angeles, people felt groovy
 * For The Lorax opened one hell of a movie
 * The studio was happy, the parties were tasteful
 * But poor Mr. Lorax found it all wasteful
 * "This sucks" he complained as they toasted crystal
 * "They haven't been listening to me at all!"
 * Then out popped the Moolah, a marvelous chap
 * While the Lorax droned on with his usual crap
 * "My name is The Lorax, I speak for the trees"
 * But the marvelous Moolah just did one of these
 * And rolling his eyes interrupted "Oh, please!"
 * "Our planet is fucked, and you're earnest as hell"
 * "But that hippity dippity crap doesn't sell!"
 * "We can all make a difference, no matter how tiny"
 * He said, and the Moolah shot back "God, you're whiny!"
 * "Nobody likes a shrill libral shouter!"
 * "So I fixed up your film with my new Message-Outer!"
 * "It snipped up your message. Dude, morals are lame."
 * "The real money's made in the merchandise game!"
 * And then with a big mighty roar from his trunk
 * Appeared Horton the Elephant washing his junk!
 * "Oh, Lorax" said Horton "I know how you feel"
 * "I once had a whole goody-goody type Spiel"
 * "A person's a person, no matter how small"
 * "Let me tell you, that shit didn't catch on at all!"
 * "So I got a new look, a new name, something blunter."
 * "I've rebranded myself now as Horton, Who-hunter!"
 * From the shadows, the Cat in the Hat overheard.
 * And approaching the Lorax said "What up, nerd?"
 * "You taught the kids to responsibly play!"
 * But the Cat in the Hat said "That crap didn't pay!"
 * "Forget cleaning houses, I'm straight cleaning up, guy!"
 * "Now, I'm off to go hang with Joe Marroquin"
 * "I've been living the dream, and if parents are pissed"
 * "They can put in a call to my new publicists!"
 * "Thing 1 and Thing 2, they're both on my payroll!"
 * The Lorax was stunned "Holy crap, what an a-hole!"
 * "No more" said the Lorax "No more of these speeches!"
 * "How 'bout just one more? You remember the Sneetches?"
 * "We once had a message, and a good one, too, bro!"
 * "But did we get a movie? Well, did we? HELL, NO!"
 * "We tried to teach tolerance, and where did that get us?"
 * "So, fuck it! We'd rather make mountains of lettuce!"
 * "There's my house, it's 12 stories with 40 jacuzzis"
 * "6 cars, 19 butlers, unlimited floozies"
 * "It's what it's about, man! It's capitalism"
 * And the Lorax responded with geysers of jism!
 * Thanks to the Moolah, that marketing whore
 * He could finally see what he hadn't before
 * "I'll get me an agent, an accountant named Herschel!"
 * "A toy line, a lunch box, an IHOP commercial!"
 * Then the Lorax got rich and was totally stoked
 * 'Til the day he contracted AIDS, and then croaked.
 * WHAT?!?