C. E. D'oh

Chorus (sings): The Simpsons

C.E. D'oh.

D'oh! Ah!

[THE ITCHY & SCRATCHY THEME SONG PLAYS]

["ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK" PLAYING]

One, two, three o'clock Four o'clock rock, Five, six, seven o'clock Eight o'clock rock

Nuts to you, copper.

[SIREN WAILS]

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTING]

[AMBULANCE SIREN WAILING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

You're gonna be just fine.

[SIGHS]

Man: Hello, Scratchy.

Scratchy: The Big Bopper? Ritchie Valens? Buddy Holly?

No!

[ALL HISSING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

So, kids, it's Valentine's Day, and you know what that means.

You get to stay downstairs watching TV with the sound turned way up.

What about you and Mom?

Oh, we'll be upstairs in the bedroom making lovely rope ladders... in case there's a fire.

Oh, okay.

Children, so naive.

What?

Who's naive?

I didn't say anything. So naive.

Mm...

This is so romantic.

Oh, my darling, nothing is too romantic for you.

Have some more liquor.

[CHUCKLES]

That's it. Drink up, my pretty.

[CHUCKLES]

Thanks for the love tip, 60 Minutes II.

Mm, funky.

[GROANS]

Hey there, Little Red Riding Hood. I ate your granny.

And now I'm in the mood for love.

Oh, Homie, I'm sorry.

You know I usually bring my A game to the bedroom.

But tonight, I just can't throw the heat.

But it's Saint Valentine's Day.

God wants us to do it.

You're so cute when you're begging for s*x... but I'm just too tired.

Well, my special mixtape will get you going.

[LULLABY PLAYING SPEAKER]

[SNORING]

Oh, no. That's Maggie's mixtape.

Then Maggie must have gotten...

[TOM JONES' "s*x BOMB" PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

You're my s*x bomb.

And baby, you can turn me on

[CLOCK TICKING]

Shut down on Valentine's Day.

That's supposed to be a gimme.

Everybody's getting some but me.

[MEOWS]

Frink: Oh, "glayvin." Oh, nice lady android with the true-to-life "floivic."

Game over.

[GROANS]

Everyone but me.

Thanks for waking me for the bookmobile, Terrence.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, Marge doesn't think I'm sexy. What am I supposed to do?

Hmm...

Suicide, eh?

Hmm?

That's it. Thank you, outdoor advertising.

You've saved my marriage, and not for the first time.

"Releasing your inner screenplay."

"Create an online kennel."

Ooh! "Strip for your wife."

[CHATTERING]

Well, I'm here to win back Brandine.

She been making eyes at that photographer... what come to document our squalor.

Welcome to How to Strip for Your Wife.

Dr. Hibbert? You're the teacher?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, yes. I put myself through medical school... dancing under the name Malcolm s*x.

I pleased the ladies by any means necessary.

Now, let's start with a full review of the theory of stripping.

Paleosexologists tell us that...

What the hell are you doing?

Homer, are you already oiled?

Three coats.

That oil was for the entire class.

Homer, take this quarter, call your mother.

Tell her you're never going to be a stripper.

Aren't you gonna chuckle?

There's nothing to chuckle about.

Oh, nobody loves oily Homer.

[HUMMING]

[GRUNTS THEN SCREAMS]

You, the greasy, naked, bald man.

Ah! You know everything about me.

What would you say if I offered you the secret of true success?

Wipe me down and sign me up.

Unh, the trick is to blot the oil. Wiping just pushes it around.

You're preaching to the choir, man.

Now, life is hard. Am I right?

Yeah.

Life is hard.

Wrong! Life is easy. You suck. You have to take life.

You have to grab it by its little bunny ears and get in its face.

God, look at you, losers. I can read your minds.

Ooh, ooh, I'm afraid of success.

It's pizza's fault I'm fat.

Oh, I'll stop sucking later.

Come here, give me your hand. It's okay.

[GRUNTS]

Moleman: Ah! Thank you, teacher.

[CHUCKLES]

You see this watch?

It's jammed with so many jewels, the hands can't move.

What kind of watch do you have?

Uh...

Well, I drew it on. See?

Ah. You see that car out there?

That's a Bentley Mark 12. They gave one to me... one to Steven Spielberg, and they shot the guy who made it.

Oh, I'd hate to be in that union.

Friends, there's a force that runs through the universe.

We used to call that force God.

We now call it Megatronics: The 48 Tips to Corporate Success.

Lenny: Hmm.

Richdale: There.

Woo! Published by Kinko's.

Do you wanna be the ultimate you?

Yes.

Do you wanna yodel at the top of the corporate mountain?

Yes.

Will you write me a check... made out to cash?

God, yes!

"Tip one: live each day like it was your last."

[SOBBING]

I don't wanna die. I'm so young.

"Tip two: let nothing stand in your way."

Listen up, life obstacles.

From now on, nothing's gonna stand in Homer Simpson's way.

Do your homework. Don't do so much homework.

Learn to talk. You, let's love now.

Sounds good to me.

[GRUNTS]

[HOMER BREATHING HEAVILY]

Go on ahead. I'll just slow you down.

[GRUNTS]

[DRILL WHIRRING]

[GROANS]

What's that ruckus?

It's the sound of a go-getter at work, Marge.

Look, I installed a key hook... so you'll always know where your keys are.

Oh, that's so sweet.

I was tired of putting my keys in that bowl like a caveman.

I finally harnessed the awesome power of the hook.

Well, time for work.

"Megatronics Tip 20: make your cubicle into a you-bicle."

[GRUNTS]

Hmm, what next, Megatronics?

"Point out problems at your workplace to your boss.

To separate yourself from the herd, just tattle on the cattle."

Hmm...

[SNORING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

I say Phantom Menace sucked more.

I say Attack of the Clones sucked more.

[HUMMING]

[BOTH GRUNT]

That's toxic waste.

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

[CHATTERING]

And now, to see Mr. Burns for the promotion and raise... I've deserved since this morning.

Mr. Burns, I've made a list of recommendations... to improve plant efficiency.

Oh, have you now? Well, huzzah, huzzah.

I'll just throw back my legs and pollute my britches with delight.

But the book said you would applaud my initiative.

And what book is that? The Ape Who Wanted a Big Bonus?

Stop wasting my time, you corn-fed man-cow.

[SHUDDERS]

Would you mind?

Yes, sir.

[HOMER GRUNTS]

Aw, look at the little eels.

Oh, electric eels!

[EELS BUZZING]

[HOMER GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]

I didn't know Mr. Burns had an electric eel pond.

Well, he does. All my life, I've had one dream: To achieve my many goals.

Mr. Burns has never given me a thumbs-up or a "way to be"... or a "you go, girl." No.

He just steps over everyone who works for him... taking pleasure in making us feel small.

Oh, Homie. Don't let it get you down.

So Mr. Burns doesn't take you seriously.

Big whoop. Who gives a doodle?

Whoopie ding dong doo.

Thanks for trying, but I'll be at Moe's.

So my husband goes to a bar every night. Whoop-de-do.

Who gives a bibble?

Gabba, gabba, hey.

I gave Mr. Burns the best years of my life.

And how much respect does he give me?

Slim to bupkes.

Who's Burns? Somebody you work with?

Moe, we've been complaining about him every night for eight years.

If this guy's riding you wrong, why don't you slap him some payback?

Revenge? On Mr. Burns?

Yeah. Send him magazine subscriptions he don't want.

Or give him some face time with sweet lady brick.

Ha, ha.

No. I think this calls for something a little more cerebral.

[CHUCKLES]

Wait till he steps on this flaming bag of, ah... Lisa's college fund?

[SHOUTS]

Sir, we could be in real trouble here. If the government found out... you dumped nuclear waste under Lego Land...

Oh, Smithers, the environmental effects won't be visible for years.

[ROARING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Heh, talk about your runaway government.

[GRUNTS]

For dumping that waste, you could go to jail.

A handsome man like you, I'd hate to think what would happen.

Ha, ha, I wouldn't go to jail.

The legal owner of this plant would, Canary M. Burns.

[BOTH GASPING]

This entire plant is in his name.

So when they come to put C.M. Burns in jail, it's the canary that does the time.

Sir, can you do that?

Oh, yes. Tycoons have been doing it for years.

Why, Standard Oil was once owned by a half-eaten breakfast.

Hmm...

Don't you get it? If you get rid of that bird, Burns is at your mercy.

Get rid of a bird? No way.

Their eyes are so expressive.

Fool! You've learned absolutely nothing from my one-hour class.

Homie, what's wrong?

I have a plan to get to the top... but I have to do some pretty rotten things to get there.

I'm not sure I could look at myself in the mirror or any polished metal.

Well, if you don't know the right path to take... you have to be very quiet... and listen for that little voice inside that tells you what to do.

Bart: Do it, Dad. You could get a less crappy car.

Bart, you can hear us?

Bart: Oh, yeah. From my room, I can hear everything.

Lisa: Me too. The walls are paper-thin. Ugh. Hi.

Ned: And it wouldn't hurt you to put up some curtains.

[GROANS]

This is it, boy. With this bird gone, the plant will be mine for the taking.

[GRUNTS]

Now, fly to the Canary lslands.

[BUZZES]

Burns: Smithers, it's an emergency. Maroon alert. Or even vermilion.

The owner of the plant is gone. All that's left is this little mirror... he used to amuse himself.

Hello, pretty boy. That's quite a beak on you.

Hoo-hoo! Who wants a kiss? Who wants a kiss?

Mr. Burns, the Nuclear Regulatory Commission is here for inspection.

Ah! Good Lord. That canary was supposed to be my pigeon.

I need to find a patsy quick.

Hello.

Yes, yes, hello.

Now I need to find a patsy.

Hello.

You're quite the friendly fellow.

But right now I'm looking for a patsy.

Hello.

Bumbling fool. I keep telling you I'm looking for a patsy.

Hello.

Ooh!

This moon-faced simpleton... is continually interrupting my search for a patsy. Why to...?

Hello.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Now, a few more details about this year's company picnic.

It's at the plant, no food will be served, the activity will be work... and the picnic is canceled.

All: Aw!

I would like to add to any nuclear inspectors in the crowd... that the titular head of the plant is now Mr. Homer J. Simpson.

That's right. And as my first act... Mr. Burns, you're fired.

[ALL GASPING]

That man's mad.

Smithers, get this bedlamite an alienist.

No. It's entirely within my power.

Furthermore, there never were any nuclear inspectors.

Check and mate. Now king me.

So the caterpillar has emerged from its cocoon... as a shark with a gun for a mouth.

I only have one thing to say to that... bravo.

Huh?

We clashed lances on the Champs de Mars... and I have been bested. The plant is yours. Treat her well.

Mr. Burns?

Yes?

[HOMER GRUNTS AND BURNS GASPS]

Eat crowd, old man!

[HOMER GRUNTS AND BURNS SCREAMS]

All (singing): Hey, hey, hey, goodbye

[ALL CHEERING]

Hey, that looks like fun. Do me.

Yay!

All (chanting): Homer! Homer! Homer!

Mr. Burns' reign of terror is over.

Crowd: Yay!

And today begins my reign of...

[ALL GASPING]

...terrific management.

[ALL SIGH THEN CHATTER]

I thought he was gonna say "terror."

I didn't think he was.

Unlike Mr. Burns, I will respect you, the working-class slob... because we are all equals.

And now, as I ascend this crystal staircase to my office... I say, avert your gaze.

Crowd: Yay!

[HUMMING]

Hmm... Hmm? Hmm.

That is so cool.

Bart, open the door.

Now, open it again and put a walnut in there.

Dad, please. You're the head of a major corporation.

You're right. Put two walnuts in there.

Dad, have you looked at this earnings report?

Sweetie, these things are gonna take time.

I just found the door-shutting thing.

Ha, ha, oh, yeah.

Now I'm forcibly retired, I feel I should give back to society... and do some charitable work. But first, I want to take a lot of opium.

Uh, if you say so, sir.

Uh, excuse me. Do you know where I can buy some, uh, drugs?

Drugs? Everything is drugs.

Banana made of drugs, monkey made of drugs.

Look, all market made of drugs.

I'd like to buy this.

Only American money.

Our money is made of drugs.

To make this plant economically viable, you've gotta lay off 112 people.

If you don't patch the leak in Cooling Tower 2, you will go to jail.

Oh, I need a vacation.

This is your vacation.

Can't I water-ski a little bit?

Fine.

Homer, I'll go over the year-end profit forecast... if you'll stop looking at my boobs.

No deal.

I got a gold star at school today... for my exposé on toxins in gold-star adhesive.

That's great, honey. Hold it up to the camera.

Homie, I know you've got a lot of work to do... but this really isn't the same as eating dinner with your family.

Look, there is nothing more important to me than you guys. I think... best quality pork chops.

Dad, this just isn't working.

Lisa, I deeply resent... with a big bowl of applesauce.

Hey, Dad, you said you were gonna play catch with me.

Well, I have to work. But give the monitor a kiss.

I don't wanna do that.

Come on, boy. You're not too old to kiss your daddy's monitor.

Hey, that's a printer port, not a finger hole.

[GROANS]

Homie?

Hey, honey. Sorry I'm so late.

I had to lay off 27 robots.

Don't tell me they can't cry.

[CHILDREN CHEERING]

Check it out. I'm Tomokazu Ohka of the Montreal Expos.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm Esteban Yan of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

And I'm the man at the ballpark everyone hates.

The umpire?

No, Billy Crystal.

[MILHOUSE & BART GRUNT]

[GROANS]

Bart's growing up without me. He won't be 10 forever.

Burns: Knock, knock.

Ah! Mr. Burns.

Where's Mr. Smithers?

He's doing 80 years on an opium bust.

I never saw a man take to a Turkish prison so quickly.

How did you ever run this place?

You gotta turn away your family, fire your friends... work until the wee hours of the afternoon.

Simpson, I worked here for three score and twain.

That's 62 years in the "new English."

I want to show you something.

These are people in my life I could never find time for... because I was too busy working.

This was my fiancée, Gertrude.

I was working so hard, I missed our wedding, honeymoon... and our divorce proceedings. She died of loneliness.

Loneliness and rabies. Do you see why I brought you here, Simpson?

Yes, yes.

If I keep putting work first, I'll lose everyone I care about... just like you did.

[SOBS]

Thank you, Mr. Burns. Thank you for...

[GASPS THEN GRUNTS]

Steal my plant, will you? By the time you wake up... you'll be walled inside my mausoleum forever.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

[GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

What are you doing?

Scream all you like.

No one will hear you.

All right. Ah.

Don't know why you're trying to steal the plant back. I don't want it.

Oh, keep begging. You're just wasting precious oxygen.

Brick by brick, I seal his doom.

[CHUCKLING]

There you go.

Hey, Dad, pitch to me.

From now on, my only ambition is to be the world's greatest dad.

[GRUNTS]

Hey, you nearly hit me on the head.

Quit crowding the plate.

Ugh.

Oh, you want a piece of me?

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[THE COURTSHIP OF EDDIE'S FATHER THEME PLAYING]

You see, this is the stuff... Mom won't do with me.

Yeah.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Homer: Ow! Ow! He bit me! You saw him. He bit me!

You little...

Woman: Shh.