Running Mates

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and s*x on TV. ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

I say, Rupert, these crumpets you've prepared look positively divine!

Excellent texture, provocative support. Try another, you say?

Aren't I the wicked one?

Stewie, I've told you before, don't eat dirt. It's disgusting.

And I suppose the bilious curds you force-fed me from your teat... were perfectly fine then?

Glen, would you mind holding Stewie?

Said and done.

Hey there, spud with the mud.

Good Lord! Do you bathe in Aqua Velva?

Hi. You've got our votes. Thank you, Cleveland.

Someone has to run against that awful Betsy Lebeau.

She actually opposes background checks for new teachers!

God knows who she might hire.

So the square of a hypotenuse, which we will label C... making the sides opposite both of the acute angles A and B... always equals the sum of the squares of the other sides.

Any questions?

It's just something I have to do.

Even if winning means spending time out of the house and away from my family.

Out of the house? Why, I'd be free from your oppressive gynocracy!

You should be out giving speeches, shaking hands, kissing babies!

Not this baby!

Lois, you seen my pants?

Boy, I'll be glad when that studio audience moves out of the neighborhood.

Lois, what's with the sign?

Peter, we discussed this. I'm running for School Board.

You never listen to me.

Yeah, I remember. Hey, Cleveland. Hey, Quagmire.

Lois, what's with the sign?

You guys? Chris' principal just called. Chris is in trouble.

That's it! I'm calling the cops!

Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid I have bad news.

I caught your son peeking into the girls' locker room.

Oh, Chris!

So what's the big deal? It's normal for a boy his age to be curious.

I remember when I first noticed girls starting to develop.

Welcome to eighth grade orientation, everyone, Locker assignments wilI be handed out in the library after lunch period, If you have any questions about your locker assignments... or your class schedule, please come..., We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man.

A woman is not an object.

Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says.

Peter!

I didn't say that.

Lee Majors did.

What? Women are things.

Oh, my God! It's Mr. Fargas!

He was my favorite teacher!

Take out your scalpels, kids. We're going to dissect a clown!

No wonder this clown died. His lungs are filled with candy!

Why don't you go say hello?

I'm gonna drop off some campaign flyers in the teachers' lounge.

Hey, Mr. Fargas! It's me, Peter Griffin!

Griffin. Sorry, not on the list.

Don't you remember me? I was your favorite student.

You taught me everything. Math, science.

You even taught me how to dance just in time for the prom.

Peter, you start like this.

Like this?

Yeah. Now add a little turn and do a buck and wing.

Come on, Mr. Fargas, do the whole darn thing.

Jeez, Mr. Fargas, what happened to you? Somebody give you a fun-ectomy?

No, they gave me these by order of the School Board.

They said it evens me out.

Sorry to fly off the handle. Here, let me see that.

That's what I think about you taking chill pills from the Man.

Look, the old Farg made learning fun. He's what these kids need.

Now get back in that classroom and teach your "Fargin"' ass off.

Don't come in! Just a minute!

Chris, your mother wants me and you to have a talk.

No!

I was going for a new record.

Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls.

Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers.

Hello, neighbor.

But peeping can be dangerous, so I brought you this.

Wow! Miss December!

Yep, the old skin bin.

Now you can look at naked girls all you want and it's perfectly legal!

Wow, check out the rack on.... Mom?

Give me that!

Just a little present your mom gave me for our anniversary.

All right, Dad!

Hey, Dad. Thanks.

Mom, if you get elected can you fix it so I win Homecoming Queen?

Honey, of course I can.

But winning without honor isn't really winning at all. lsn't that right, Milli?

No, it's just as good.

"Baby"

What's the use? You're right.

Cease this prattling!

This campaign literature must be posted today to get you into office... and out of my life, you festering strumpet!

Hey, you guys. Lois, you running for School Board?

Look, Chris' school is on TV.

The egg drop, an annual tradition for junior-high-school science students, Today at Buddy Cianci Junior High, an egg drop conducted by teacher... RandalI Fargas seems to have gone horribly wrong, We now go live to Action News 5 Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa, Tom, the eggs being dropped behind me are not chicken eggs... but those of the endangered California condor, Welcome back, Fargas.

Oh, my God. He's gonna wipe that species off the face of the earth!

No, Lois. The janitor'll do that.

I'm getting word that the Quahog School Board... has just dismissed RandalI Fargas, ending his 32-year teaching career, What? They can't do that!

Peter, the man is obviously unbalanced.

In other news, Betsy Lebeau, School Board President candidate... announced today she's pulIing out of the race, Lebeau's withdrawal leaves housewife, Lois Griffin, running unopposed, My goodness! I win by default!

Great. You can get Mr. Fargas his job back.

I'm sorry! But I do have a mind of my own!

And I happen to agree with the School Board's decision.

I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable... but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.

I'm not giving that lunatic his job back and that's final.

Lois, I can't let you deprive our children of a fine teacher like Mr. Fargas.

I'm gonna stop you the only way I can... by killing you... in the race for School Board President!

Peter, are you sure running against Lois is such a good idea?

You know how competitive you get.

I can be just as non-competitive as anybody.

Matter of fact, I'm the most non-competitive. So I win.

Come on, you can't even handle losing at checkers.

King me.

Look over there! What?

Peter, since when do you care about the School Board?

Lois, Mr. Fargas is getting a bum rap... and if running against you is the only way to get him back... then I am gonna run like the Six Million Dollar Man.

We can rebuild him.

We have the technology, but I don't want to spend a lot of money.

Fine, if you feel that strongly, then by all means run.

But I'm warning you, I'm not gonna pull any punches on the issues.

I'm Lois.

Look at me with my big ideas and my pointy nose, This'll be even easier than running unopposed.

Is that so?

Not only am I gonna win this election... I am gonna eat your nose.

See you on the campaign trail.

Oh, my. Look where my hand is.

I say, look where my hand is!

It's in a very naughty place, Does that not disgust you?

You're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.

Now look here, you loathsome cur!

The matron of prattle has left me in your ward.

You should be striving to thwart my noisome misdeeds.

Look at me. I'm writing profanity on the wall!

Water-soluble.

Don't just sit there! I have misbehaved! I've been a bawdy little monkey! lf that vile woman were here, she'd prove a worthy adversary.

What's the matter? Miss your mommy?

Yes, that's it. That's quite good. Yes, I miss my mommy.

I also miss colic and rectal thermometry.

Whatever you say, Mama's boy.

Blast!

Hey, Chris! Hector found two rocks outside that look like boobs! You in?

Who needs rocks when you got these?

Check it out!

Wow!

Vote for Peter Griffin!

Look at all of Lois' signs!

Talk about seeing red.

Peter, I'm concerned that your candidacy may have become a lost cause.

The debate is tonight and you don't seem to have any supporters.

Don't sweat it, the Griffin men have always been winners... dating back to my diminutive great-grandfather, Juarez Griffin.

Fellas, the debate's in the bag, all right? lf there's one thing I can do, it's play to a crowd.

Lois Griffin, daughter of shipping industrialist, Carter Pewterschmidt... and passive-aggressivist, Barbara Pewterschmidt, Tonight she takes on her greatest chalIenge, Peter Griffin... Quahog's native son, self-described Huguenot, don't know what that means... and community activist, Go, Dad.

He can't hear you.

Go, Dad!

So fasten your seat belts, We're just minutes away... from Lois versus Peter, Griffin versus Griffin... on Monday Night Debate, y'alI!

"Of suns and worlds I nothing had to say I see mankind's self-torturing pains"

No! You're doing it wrong!

When you read Faust... you're supposed to do Mephistopheles in a scary voice like this!

Is that the way Mommy reads it? I do not miss that ogress.

She can burn in hell for all I care! Sure she can.

Damn!

"l've grown accustomed to her face She almost makes the day begin l've grown accustomed to the tune that she whistles night and noon Her smiles, her frowns, her ups, her downs are second nature to me now Like breathing out and breathing in l'm very grateful she's a woman and so easy to forget, rather like a habit one can always break And yet, I've grown accustomed to her looks Accustomed to her voice Accustomed to her face"

Damn you all!

Mr, Griffin, your opening statement, please, Okay, I'm Peter Griffin, Vote for me, Is that it?

No, this is it, This is life, the one you get, so go and have a balI... because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum, What might be right for you, may not be right for some, You take the good, you take the bad... you take them both, and there you have my opening statement, Sit, Ubu, sit, Good dog, Okay, Mrs, Griffin?

As a piano teacher, I know how difficult the education process can be, That's why, if I'm elected, I promise to fight for competent teachers... a better-funded music department and updated textbooks... that don't refer to the Civil Rights Movement as "trouble ahead, "

Mr, Griffin, your response?

Maybe something about education?

I have always cared deeply about young people, As a rich colIege-bound student, I once joined some underprivileged youths... in saving a community center from being converted into a shopping malI, Peter, that wasn't you, That was Adolpho Shabba-Doo Electric Boogaloo, You watched it last night, So you're calIing me a liar?

I'm gonna take the highroad and stick to the issues, The children of Quahog are our greatest treasure, They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave their feminine ointments... in the fridge next to the mustard! That was the worst hot dog I ever ate!

Yeah, she flosses in bed, she snores like a wildebeest--

Thank you, Mr, Griffin, We now move on--

Wait a second, blow dryer, I'm not done yet, She freed WilIie Horton, nailed Donna Rice--

Peter, that's enough!

Eats babies, Peter, Peter. Just a minute, Listen to me, please!

This election is about our children's future, So ask yourself... what kind of future wilI it be if you elect a man who has never taught a student... or even been to a PTA meeting, This is a man who believes the plural of "goose" is "sheep"!

I'm the right person for the job, Vote for me, Lois!

Wait, I'm not done, Peter! Come on! Stop, Shut up! You guys shut up!

I didn't enjoy humiliating Peter, but what choice did I have?

That's okay, Lois. I enjoyed it.

As soon as the polls close, we can put all this ugliness behind us.

Lois Griffin is a slut, What?

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin, I grew up in this town, Quahog needs a moral, upstanding school board president, Someone we can trust, A Iot of nasty things have been said during this campaign, But pictures are better than words... because some words are big and hard to understand, But here's something everyone can understand!

Do you realIy want your children's future in the hands of this?

I know I don't, Paid for by the Peter Griffin for School Board President Committee, Sorry, Lois, "Lewd," "obscene," and "a little blurry"... just some of the words used to describe Lois Griffin's prurient pic.

Good morning. I'm Tom Tucker.

And I'm Diane Simmons.

Yesterday, voters overwhelmingly declared... that Lois Griffin is not the kind of person they want running their schools.

Her husband, Peter Griffin, was elected by a landslide.

What a great day! I just want to say..., I am so freaking wasted!

Splendid, How delightful to have mother back, I heard that, Damn!

Don't feel bad, Mom. All my friends think you're hot!

They can't believe I came out of you!

Lois, I got a joke for you. How many losers does it take to make me breakfast?

Just one! You!

I'm just kidding. French toast, please.

Don't even talk to me, Peter. You humiliated your own wife!

And for what? To get that crazy Mr. Fargas back in the classroom?

Who?

Peter, I cared about our schools.

All you cared about was some stupid competition.

Winning was only half the battle. lf you blow this chance to do something good for our kids... you'll be the biggest loser!

Oh, yeah?

Peter Griffin is no loser! When I'm through with our schools... our students'll be so smart they'll be able to program their VCRs... without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

This is Trisha Takanawa, here with School Board President Peter Griffin.

Mr. President, you've accomplished so much in just a few short weeks.

Thanks, Connie. I'm very excited about our progress in revamping our schools.

For starters, we're making s*x education more fun.

"v*g1n* junction, what's your function?

"Taking in sperm and spitting out babies"

And our schools are the safest around... thanks to the hall monitor XL-K. Halt! Present halI pass!

Right here. Second request, Present pass, But.... Right here! Security breach!

I guess Little Miss Free Spirit will think twice before roaming the halls.

I've restocked our school library... with books of some of our greatest movies and TV shows.

Because if we don't teach our kids to read, how will they ever know what's on?

Mr. Griffin, this is impressive.

I've never seen kids so enthusiastic about reading.

Thank you. That's what you voted for.

Hey, son, show the folks at home what you got there.

Good Lord! That's a dirty magazine!

That's mine.... Shaft.

There might be a mineshaft under this library.

All these kids are looking at pornography!

What kind of pervert gave you kids this filth?

Chris Griffin. He got it from his dad.

There's quite a crowd outside.

I haven't witnessed pandemonium like this since Ridiculous Day down at the deli... when prices were so low they were ridiculous.

You said it, pally. That's why I brought in the big guns.

Say "how do" to the Ragin' Cajun, Mr. James Carville.

Oh, God. Oh, jeez!

Did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant?

Now see, Peter, what you gotta do is you gotta declare war! War!

Your only chance of surviving this scandal... is to claim that Lois gave your boy the pornography.

And he's right. Pin it on the old ball and chain.

I can't do that. Lois is mad enough at me without....

I'm sorry. I can't look at you!

I mean, I can handle ugly. But this is like circus ugly.

Lois, I need your help. You gotta come to my press conference this afternoon.

Lois, I could lose my presidency!

Too bad! I've already lost more than that!

Not my rainbow socks with the individual toes?

No. I've lost my respect for you.

Because I need those socks.

We now take you live to Peter Griffin Junior High... where embattled School Board President Peter Griffin is fighting for his political life.

Throw the bum out!

Mom, what are you doing here? I thought you were mad at Dad.

I am. I just came to see him twist in the wind.

Are you and Dad gonna get a divorce?

Oh, honey. Maybe.

"A parent giving porno to their kid is a terrible thing... but I'm here to tell you that I'm innocent! "

Oh, yeah. Right.

"I didn't give those magazines to my son, "My wife, Lois..., "

Lois!

Crap, Look, my wife, Lois, is the most important person in the world to me, I gave my son those magazines, Even worse, I turned a beautiful gift from Lois into something cheap and tawdry, I just wanted to win so bad, Now I know that some things are more important than winning, Lois, I only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, Oh, Peter!

So you're saying you're not only a bad father, but a bad husband, too?

Have you the moral authority to lead?

Yes. No. And, screw it. I resign.

There's the President, First Lady Lois, Now boarding the helicopter, And so ends a dark and shameful chapter in the history of Quahog, Rhode lsland.

One which leaves this reporter asking: How much moral bankruptcy and perversion must we, the people, endure?

Next up, stay tuned for our special investigative report...

Nature's Rubik's Cube."

Welcome back, Fargas. Thank you.

Welcome back, Farg. Much obliged.

Halt, Present halI pass, Excuse me?

Second request, Present halI pass,