The Babe in the Bar

THE BABE IN THE BAR

(Open scene: A crowd is gathered in a large outdoor tent with a blue curtain drawn acrossed a stage. JIMMY WALPERT is standing on the stage in front of the curtain, holding a microphone.)

JIMMY WALPERT: Welcome ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Is there anyone here today who happens to like chocolate?

(Crowd cheers)

WALPERT: Of course you do! Then as your purveyor of pleasure, your dean of delight, I have something very special for you today. But first, everybody close your eyes. Today, Walpert Chocolate is proud and pleased to bring you the world's largest chocolate bar!

(WALPERT EMPLOYEE unveils chocolate bar from behind the curtain. Crowd applauds. WALPERT points to OFFICIALS, who nod)

WALPERT: Yes! It's official. This is the biggest, best-tasting chocolate bar in the world. Six feet wide, 15 feet long, and you are all going to get a gigantic taste of it.

(Crowd cheers. WALPERT EMPLOYEES start to saw into the chocolate bar)

WALPERT: Named the best in the bunch by Chocolatiere Monthly, our new, gigantically good chocolate bars are the latest in a long-standing Walpert Chocolate tradition of award-winning confections. Since 1948, we've...

(The saw has hit something in the chocolate, creating a grinding noise, and has stopped moving)

WALPERT EMPLOYEE: Saw's...stuck

(The crowd murmers while liquid starts to seep out of the chocolate bar)

SCOTT KIMPER: Something's wrong

WALPERT: Here, uh, let me give you a hand there.

(WALPERT attempts to move the saw, more liquid splatters on the ground. He applied more pressure with a grunt, and the candy bar opens, with red liquid pouring out of the center of the bar. The crowd screams and cover their noses. KIMPER gags. It was a body inside of the bar)

WALPERT: What is that?

(Cut to: Later that day, in the tent. CAMILLE SAROYAN and DR. BRENNAN are examining the remains while BOOTH stands behind them.)

CAM: Decomposition's almost complete. I don't know how I can separate the organic material from the chocolate.

BRENNAN: Oscoxa suggests female. The earliest stages of spondylosis indicate an age range in the late 20s.

BOOTH: Hey, maybe it's an OompaLoompa.

(He dances like an OompaLoompa. BRENNAN looks at him, then imitates the dance)

BRENNAN: I don't know what that is.

BOOTH: OompaLoompa. OompaLoompa.

CAM: Gasses that would normally be released into the air during decomposition were trapped in the hard chocolate, reducing the soft tissue to a putrid fluid.

(WALPERT and CHEF PERSON enter)

WALPERT: Agent Booth? I'm, uh, Jimmy Walpert. I'm sorry that I wasn't here, but I-I got a bit sick.

BOOTH: Well, that's no surprise there.

WALPERT: This is Scott.

KIMPER: Scott Kimper. K-I-M-P-E-R. Chief Chocolate Engineer.

BOOTH: Oh, I didn't know chocolate required engineering.

KIMPER: Making chocolate is a science unto itself.

BRENNAN: No, it's not. It's a technique which requires various scientific disciplines: physics, chemistry...

BOOTH: So you guys were both present when the body was discovered?

WALPERT: It was awful.

KIMPER: It didn't make any sense. I was there the day we poured.

WALPERT: So was I, and there certainly wasn't any (whispers) dead body.

BOOTH: Really? Well, it's not a secret now, is it, Mr. Walpert?

CAM: This is an awful lot of chocolate to pour.

KIMPER: I tempered our new formula to withstand additional humidity and loaded up a cement mixer.

BOOTH: When was that?

KIMPER: Tuesday morning. 10:00.

CAM: How long did it take to set?

KIMPER: I confirmed solidity on Thursday, 3:30 that afternoon. I can give you my notes.

WALPERT: I personally monitored it every eight hours. I saw nothing strange.

BOOTH: Do you have any security cameras here, any surveillance I can take a look at? Footage?

WALPERT: Just a temporary fence with a padlock for insurance purposes. You don't think that a child saw the chocolate and fell in?

BRENNAN: No. The victim appears to be an adult. Judging from this section of the pelvis, female, late twenties.

CAM: I'll tell you one thing I've noticed. That I'm sort of off chocolate.

(Credits.)

(Cut to the lab. The chocolate bar is on a scanner. BRENNAN and VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY are looking at a screen, while CAM is working on a table close by, straining the remains from the fluid from the bar.)

NIGEL-MURRAY: You know, it was widely rumored that Pope Clement the 14th was killed with a cup of poisoned chocolate.

CAM: Was he a good pope or a bad pope?

NIGEL-MURRAY: He was no Urban the Sixth.

CAM: Oh, no. Of course not.

NIGEL-MURRAY: Oh, who, by the way, was the answer to my record-breaking Daily Double win on Jeopardy. The category, of course: Torture.

BRENNAN: Was that the game that you played while I was away?

CAM: It was more than just a game. Mr. Nigel-Murray won almost a million dollars.

NIGEL-MURRAY: Which, after travel, uh, an overindulgent lifestyle, the occasional game of chance and a, uh, a little stint in rehab, I uh...I no longer possess. But I do-I still have my memories. (whispers) Thailand...

BRENNAN: Reassembling the chocolate made it easier to scan, but the condition of these remains is far from ideal.

CAM: That's an understatement. Hey, rugal folds. Found a piece of stomach.

NIGEL-MURRAY: Is this a slight depression on the occipital?

BRENNAN: Yes. Perhaps she struck her head on the mold as someone held her down in the chocolate.

NIGEL-MURRAY: Which would mean that she was drowned.

BRENNAN: Certainly a possibility. Cam, can you analyze the lungs?

CAM: Lungs? There are no lungs.

NIGEL-MURRAY: Definitely looks like murder.

BRENNAN: There's nothing definite here, Mr. Nigel-Murray. It's possible the victim had a grand mal seizure while voluntarily lying in the chocolate.

CAM: But let's call it murder just for fun.

(ANGELA enters)

ANGELA: Why is it so cold in here? Holy crap. Look at the size of that thing.

BRENNAN: We turned the thermostat down so no chocolate would melt on the CT. It's on loan from Johns Hopkins.

CAM: Johns Hopkins. Almost forgot that. Another one for Michelle's short list.

ANGELA: I-I cannot believe she's already applying to colleges.

BRENNAN: Does Michelle know what she wants to study?

CAM: Marine Biology, Art History, Russian Literature...she's kind of all over the place. She's actually going to be here in a few minutes so we can go over our application strategies.

ANGELA: Don't you mean her application strategies?

CAM: Didn't I say that?

NIGEL-MURRAY: What's this here? On the right radius?

BRENNAN: Oh, looks like it may be perimortem sharp-force trauma, an injury sustained in the attack. But we'll know more when the bones are clean.

CAM: Just don't lose the chocolate.

BRENNAN: Dr. Hodgins can help you.

CAM: I sense a mess in our future. Speaking of which, I need to get cleaned up for Michelle.

NIGEL-MURRAY: Oh, you know, there are many fine universities in England-uh, Oxford and Cambridge, of course, but th-th-there's also-

CAM: You so much as mention leaving the country to my daughter, and I will choke you on your own trivia and stuff your lifeless body in a locker.

(CAM exits)

NIGEL-MURRAY: Then again, Georgetown's lovely.

ANGELA and BRENNAN: Mm-hmm.

BRENNAN: It's closer.

NIGEL-MURRAY: Closer.

(Cut to CAM and MICHELLE sitting at a table in the Jeffersonian, with a pile of papers in front of them)

CAM: Now, I know I promised that the decision was yours and yours alone, but I did send away for a few catalogs just to give you a sense of your options.

MICHELLE: A few?

CAM: Now, with your grades and SAT scores, plus extracurriculars, I truly think you have a shot at getting into any one of these schools. The trick is gonna be the essay question, and then talk about personal interviews later...

MICHELLE: Uh, Cam, I think I've already decided where I want to go.

CAM: Your top choice? That's great. Why don't we do this in tiers? Top choice, reach schools, safeties-

MICHELLE: Uh, no, I mean, I only want to apply to one school, early decision.

CAM: Wellesley?

MICHELLE: Central Maine State University.

CAM: Excuse-Central...Maine? That-that's a...

MICHELLE: State University, Pittsfield Campus.

CAM: I am not familiar with that university, but um, then again, I don't know much about the center of Maine.

MICHELLE: It's a small school, but it's got a great General Studies department. That way, I won't have to narrow down my interests.

CAM: General Studies.

MICHELLE: Mm-hmm. Derrick's already in because he got a football scholarship.

CAM: Ah. Derrick.

MICHELLE: Cam. Don't say his name like that.

CAM: I like Derrick, Michelle. I do. But this is your future. It's important.

MICHELLE: You said this was my decision. You told me you'd support me.

CAM: Yes, but when I see that you might be making a mistake-

MICHELLE: So you're not supporting me?

CAM: Unconditionally?

MICHELLE: You're right Cam. This is my future.

CAM: I'm sorry. Let's talk about-

MICHELLE: No. I got to go. I'll see you later.

(MICHELLE exits. Cut to the Royal Diner. BOOTH and BRENNAN are sitting at the counter.)

BOOTH: I've got to tell you, I don't think I've ever, ever quite seen anything like this.

BRENNAN: Well, anthropologically speaking, chocolate and violence often intersect. Take the ancient Aztecs. Cocoa pods were used in ritual to represent the human heart, while the seeds inside represented blood.

BOOTH: So, what's the deal with the body? Any news?

BRENNAN: Mr. Nigel-Murray is cleaning the bones as we speak. Some fractures appear to indicate a struggle. But we can't get a clear look until Hodgins and Mr. Nigel-Murray clean the bones.

BOOTH: They should lick them. Lick 'em clean.

BRENNAN: Licking would contaminate the osseous surface.

(Cell phone rings)

BOOTH: Joke, Bones. All right?Just a joke.All right?Sarcastic.

(BRENNAN answers her phone)

BRENNAN: Hello, Angela.

ANGELA: Hey. I just sent you the victim's facial reconstruction.

BRENNAN: Oh, convenient.

ANGELA: Yeah. Well, I ran it through Missing Persons, and nothing came up.

BRENNAN: All right. I'll-I'll show Booth. Thanks, Angela.

(BRENNAN shows BOOTH the victim's picture)

BOOTH: Yowza.

BRENNAN: "Yowza" was the early 20th century exclamation you use to indicate that you are responding sexually. The victim's nasal bridge reminds me of Hannah.

BOOTH: Her nose looks a little bit like Hannah.

BRENNAN: She away again? Is that why you're making sexually suggestive exclamations?

BOOTH: She's traveling with the president of the United States. She's in Munich until the weekend.

BRENNAN: I love Munich. Ichliebe Bayern! Und Sie?

BOOTH: So, Angela find any missing persons?

BRENNAN: Ja. Abersiefandkeine...No match.

BOOTH: No match. So, you know what? Let's just do this the old-fashioned way.

BRENNAN: Hey, Booth. Yowza. That was very funny.

BOOTH: Yeah.

BRENNAN: It was. It was objectively very amusing.

BOOTH: I'm laughing all the way to the door.

(BOOTH exits)

BRENNAN: (laughing) Yowza.

(Cut to the lab. ANGELA is working on the Angelator. HODGINS enters.)

HODGINS: How's my sweet thing and her precious cargo?

ANGELA: Oh, we're fine. We're just cleaning up the 3D images of the remains. I think he really likes 3D. If-if by "cargo" you're implying that I already resemble a container ship, let me warn you, you ain't seen nothing yet.

HODGINS: I can't wait until we start to tell people. I think we should tell people now. Okay?

ANGELA: Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Um, you know, I'll tell Cam when I see her.

HODGINS: No. This is a big deal. We need to throw a party. I mean, like, tomorrow night, Founding Fathers. We'll get food. Some drinks. I mean, everyone will be so excited for us. I can't wait to see their faces.

ANGELA: Me neither. How about if I invite everybody? I'm afraid that you're gonna give it away.

HODGINS: Yes, good point.

ANGELA: Yeah.

HODGINS: Sure. Good.

ANGELA: Ok.

(CAM enters)

Hodgins: Um...Angela's got something to ask you.

(HODGINS exits)

ANGELA: Hodgins wants to make a big announcement and tell everybody that I am pregnant.

CAM: But everyone already knows.

ANGELA: I know, but Hodgins doesn't know that, because he wanted it to be his surprise. You didn't say anything, did you?

CAM: Oh, no. No one did.

ANGELA: Okay, good. Well, everybody's just gonna have to act surprised, and it they can't pull it off, then they just have to not come. They have to make up an excuse.

CAM: Sounds like a plan.

ANGELA: Okay, can you do it? Founding Fathers tomorrow night.

CAM: Wait. Founding Fathers? I love Founding Fathers! How was that? Convincing?

ANGELA: Yes, that was...that was...Thank you. Yeah.

(CAM exits. Cut to the Walpert Chocolate factory. WALPERT is walking BOOTH and BRENNAN through the factory.)

WALPERT: Oh, my God, this is Harriet Soloway.

BRENNAN: Does she work here?

WALPERT: Yes, in R&D. Scott!

(KIMPER enters)

KIMPER: Did you find out what happened?

WALPERT: The dead body is Harriet Soloway!

KIMPER: Harriet?! My God! I thought she was at the Cocoa Bean Symposium in Baltimore.

WALPERT: So did I.

BOOTH: Right. So, when was the last time you saw her?

KIMPER: Um, Monday morning staff meeting.

BRENNAN: You said that the chocolate was poured on Tuesday, and that it was hard by Thursday?

KIMPER: That's right

BOOTH: I'm gonna need to know all the people who had access to the chocolate during that period.

KIMPER: I know my employees, Agent Booth. Nobody would ever just dump her body in the chocolate bar.

BRENNAN: There's no evidence to indicate the body was placed in the chocolate as a means of disposal. The evidence suggests she was killed there.

WALPERT: Death by chocolate? Oh, the press will have a field day with that.

BOOTH: Do you guys have any personnel files? We're going to have to notify next of kin.

KIMPER: I think she has a sister in Virginia. Um, I'll get you her file.

(KIMPER exits)

WALPERT: I'd like to offer a reward of $50,000 to anyone who helps us catch the murderer.

BRENNAN: That's very generous of you.

WALPERT: Payable in a lifetime supply of Walpert Chocolate.

BOOTH: Right, I'm guessing the ones with the gooey center? Hey (laughs).

(Cut to the lab. NIGEL-MURRAY is holding a tub full of hairdryers)

NIGEL-MURRAY: Your thesis is wrong, Dr. Hodgins. We should use the blow dryers. It's a more gentle process.

(HODGINS is setting up heat lamps around the chocolate)

HODGINS: I am the lead on this, Vincent, as well as the king of this lab. Now, the lights will melt the chocolate evenly and won't damage any evidence trapped inside.

NIGEL-MURRAY: Yes, yes, but with the hairdryers, we can localize the heat distribution. Tests supporting this have been conducted in Michoacan, Mexico.

HODGINS: I'm going to turn the lamps on now to melt the chocolate and to stop you from talking.

(HODGINS turns on the lamps. CAM enters)

CAM: Ooh, stop! Turn the lamps off. Turn the lamps off.

(HODGINS turns off the lamps)

HODGINS: What is going on?

CAM: I was going over Angela's 3-D images of the remains, and I found something. Okay. See these circles?

NIGEL-MURRAY: It looks like intestinal gas.

CAM: It's bubbles in the chocolate. Two big bubbles, trapped right here, 25 and 39 millimeters above the victim's mandible.

HODGINS: Are you saying the chocolate trapped the victim's final breath?

CAM: Well, I'm no expert in viscosity, but-

NIGEL-MURRAY: I am. I am. In fact, on-on Jeopardy-

HODGINS: Oh, make your point.

NIGEL-MURRAY: In any endothermic reaction, the surface molecules are always the first to become stable. Therefore, it's possible that a gaseous bubble could form in the warmer liquid, but become trapped against the solid surface.

CAM: I couldn't get any useful data from the soft tissue, so the bubbles are all I've got. If they melt away...

HODGINS: But we have to melt the chocolate in order to get any information from the bones.

NIGEL-MURRAY: Yeah, but first, we can cut out these sections and freeze them until we discover a way to extract the gas trapped in the bubbles.

CAM: Excellent. Do it. Mr. Nigel-Murray, if I didn't have self-control, I would kiss you.

(CAM exits)

HODGINS: No interesting facts off that?

NIGEL-MURRAY: Huh? Yeah, yeah. In fact, the-the satisfaction that human beings take from fantasizing is...Its directly related to...No, I don't. Uh-uh. There's no facts on...

(Cut to a conference room in the FBI building. BOOTH is sitting with GENEVA SOLOWAY)

SOLOWAY: Yes, that's my sister. I wondered why she wasn't calling me back.

BOOTH: When was the last time you guys spoke?

SOLOWAY: I don't know. A few months ago? We, um...we should have talked more. We were both so busy, we just let our lives get away from us. Are you sure it's Harriet?

BOOTH: Well, according to the Jeffersonian, yeah. Um, are you aware of any problems she may have had? Any enemies at the chocolate factory?

SOLOWAY: No. Chocolate? What?

BOOTH: Are you familiar with Walpert Chocolate?

SOLOWAY: Walpert Chocolate? No.

BOOTH: According to the company, she'd been working there for several months, right after she graduated from culinary school.

SOLOWAY: Culinary school? Harriet went to Penn State. This is a mistake.

BOOTH: According to her résumé, she went to the Arrow Culinary Academy, followed by an internship at a prestigious chocolatier in New York.

SOLOWAY: Can I see that?

BOOTH: Sure.

SOLOWAY: These are all lies. They're all...lies. That is her picture, and that's her name, but this résumé? This isn't her.

(Cut to LANCE SWEETS' office. SWEETS is sitting across from BOOTH, and is eating a chocolate bar)

SWEETS: So, she lied to get her job?

BOOTH: Extensively.

SWEETS: It's bold, but it doesn't necessarily mean she's pathological. Maybe she just loved chocolate.

BOOTH: You have to eat that? I just imagine you chomping down on her cheek or something. Can you just put it away?

SWEETS: If we don't face and overcome unsettling events in life, we are ruled by them. I'm not gonna let some ruthless killer destroy my enjoyment of chocolate. It's not gonna happen. I love chocolate too much.

BOOTH: Give me this thing.

(BOOTH grabs the chocolate bar and throws it away.)

SWEETS: Come on! I was about to get to the nuts.

BOOTH: Her sister, Geneva said that Harriet didn't even like chocolate. She said that she lied about getting this job and every other job. So I basically tracked down her actual employment records through her Social Security number, and she not only changed jobs every year, she hopped industries.

SWEETS: It looks like she created a new résumé for each position. Here she says she's "a world-renowned expert in the field of couture bustiers." Lingerie. Like a bra, only...pretty great, actually. They're very sexy. Sort of squeeze the... Uh, so you're saying that all the résumés are filled with false information?

BOOTH: Cosmetic rep, toy company, outreach specialist, whatever that is.

SWEETS: It's fascinating. I mean, obviously, our victim is intelligent. These résumés are perfectly tailored to make her an ideal candidate.

BOOTH: Geneva said that Harriet was probably lying just for the fun of it.

SWEETS: When someone lies with this sort of ease in their professional relationships, chances are they lie at least as much in their personal relationships.

BOOTH: Well, maybe she just lied to the wrong person.

(Cut to the lab. CAM and ANGELA are standing on either side of a table that has a piece of the chocolate bar on it ANGELA is holding the wand of an ultrasound machine to the chocolate.)

CAM: I should be able to use the syringe to extract the gas and any aerated fluid.

ANGELA: Ooh! Bubbles.

CAM: Now the trick is jabbing them.

ANGELA: Yeah, sometimes I use this thing on myself to check on the baby. Just say hi. Totally unethical, I know.

CAM: Extremely, but so cool. My daughter wants to be a fighting hagfish.

ANGELA: For what, a costume party?

CAM: No, it's the mascot of Central Maine State University, where Michelle says she's going next year.

ANGELA: Oh. Good for her. I love Maine.

CAM: She's following a boy, Angela. I mean, you're a hedonistic, free spirit, artist type, and even you didn't do that.

ANGELA: Thank you for the personality assessment. Yeah, I went to a good school because I chose to. Nobody made me. You should let Michelle make her own decisions, Cam. I mean, she is almost an adult.

CAM: Almost. That's the key word here. I need to guide her, but she hates me for doing it.

ANGELA: Well, maybe you should talk to Sweets.

CAM: Sweets? Why would I do that?

ANGELA: He might be able to help you deal with Michelle.

CAM: I don't want to talk to a child about a child.

ANGELA: Okay.

(Cut to NIGEL-MURRAY examining the skeleton. BRENNAN enters)

NIGEL-MURRAY: I measured the contusion we found on the skull. It matches the width of the edge of the mold they used to form the chocolate bar.

BRENNAN: Very good work. That reinforces the theory that the victim was held down with some degree of force.

NIGEL-MURRAY: And suffocated. The cartilage of the septum has been crushed, and there's another hairline fracture on the frontal process of the maxilla.

BRENNAN: Pressure fractures on the margins of the orbits. Their directionality definitely suggests Harriet was suffocated while submerged, which is in keeping with Cam's postulation that the chocolate captured her last breath. Huh. This is odd.

NIGEL-MURRAY: The radial trauma?

BRENNAN: I originally believed it to be perimortem, but look. The remodeling was obscured by pseudoarthrosis. This injury happened about five or six months before she died. See? Remodeling on each edge. The limb must not have been properly immobilized after injury.

NIGEL-MURRAY: So, the bone didn't fully calcify, leaving the appearance of a fresh wound.

BRENNAN: But that wouldn't have happened to anyone who had access to modern medical treatment.

NIGEL-MURRAY: Well, maybe six months ago, she didn't have access to treatment, or she chose to deny it for some reason.

(Cut to CAM bringing syringes on a tray to HODGINS)

HODGINS: Ooh! Those the bubbles?

CAM: Point seven two cc's and one point three three cc's.

HODGINS: Wow.

CAM: How's the chocolate coming?

HODGINS: Done. I sifted through all 1,873 gallons of it. Nothing but the usual.Ant torsos, spider legs, rodent hairs.

CAM: Whoa, that's the usual?

HODGINS: Yeah. FDA permits 60 insect fragments and one rodent hair per 100 grams.

CAM: Lovely.

HODGINS: Yeah. Uh, hey, so are you, are you, uh, you coming tomorrow night?

CAM: Yes.

HODGINS: Angela asked you?

CAM: Yes, she did, and yes, I am coming.

HODGINS: Good.

CAM: It's just a fun night.

HODGINS: Yeah.

CAM: With friends.

HODGINS: Mm-hmm.

CAM: It sounds good. Let me know as soon as you get the results on those, okay?

HODGINS: Yes! Yes.

(Cut to BOOTH and BRENNAN in an SUV. BOOTH is talking on the phone.)

BOOTH: Great. Thanks.

(BOOTH hangs up)

BOOTH: So, that was the Human Resources department at the bra place. Turns out, wherever Harriet Soloway went, she had quite the reputation.

BRENNAN: What, for lying?

BOOTH: No, for seducing men.

BRENNAN: Yowza!

BOOTH: Okay. You know, that whole yowza thing, that's really not necessary.

BRENNAN: So you're implying that Harriet might have been sexually involved with a Walpert employee?

BOOTH: Well, I looked through her phone records, and I didn't see any evidence of it, but the last place she worked-Bellomo Sparkling Wines...

(BRENNAN cringes)

BOOTH: What?

BRENNAN: I had a very bad experience drinking Bellomo Sparkling Wine.

BOOTH: Yeah, who hasn't? Right? Anyways, Harriet had a relationship with the owner, Lawrence Bellomo, and apparently it didn't end very well.

BRENNAN: What happened?

BOOTH: Well, six months ago, she filed a complaint with her carrier. She was receiving harassing phone calls from a private number. Turns out they were coming from Bellomo.

(BRENNAN's phone rings)

BRENNAN: Brennan.

CAM: We have the results from the first bubble.

HODGINS: There's an extremely high concentration of carbon dioxide.

BRENNAN: So she did exhale while submerged.

CAM: There are also traces of oxygen, nitrogen, hydrochloric acid, acetic acid, oenanthic acid, decanoic acid, glycerine, glucose, ethanol...

HODGINS: It was a postmortem eructation.

BOOTH: Oh, god. That sounds bad.

CAM: It's a burp.

BOOTH: A burp? Corpses burp?

HODGINS: Yeah. Isn't that awesome?

BRENNAN: The combination of acids and sugar sounds like ingredients.

CAM: It's champagne.

HODGINS: So I went to the liquor store and I bought every brand available. We ran it through the GC Mass Spec to compare their volatile composition.

BOOTH: Ah. Bellomo Sparkling Wine.

HODGINS: Damn.

CAM: How did you know?

BRENNAN: It could just be coincidence.

BOOTH: Well, could be, but we should still ask Lawrence Bellomo a few questions.

(Cut to the interrogation room. LAWRENCE BELLOMO is being questioned by BOOTH and BRENNAN.)

BELLOMO: Just because she was drinking Bellomo does not mean I was drinking Bellomo with her. Everybody drinks Bellomo.

BOOTH: Everybody drinks Bellomo once, Mr. Bellomo. Phone records show that you were calling Harriet repeatedly.

BELLOMO: I just wanted to talk to her, all right? I was having a hard time.

BOOTH: Why? Because she broke up with you?

BELLOMO: That and my business. Everything was going wrong at the same time. You know what I'm saying? A perfect storm.

BOOTH: Yeah. What happened?

BELLOMO: Well, I hired Harriet about a year ago. We started seeing each other, and I thought we were gonna get married. Six months later, out of the blue, she dumps me. Quits. Says she needs her space. What the hell does that even mean?

BRENNAN: Nothing. Space being neutral; or in some cases, negative, can't be acquired, therefore-

BOOTH: Just go on. Continue.

BELLOMO: Well, because having a broken heart's not bad enough, a month later, I lost the contract with my biggest distributor.

BOOTH: How much do you know about her personal life? Her history?

BELLOMO: What she told me. And her sister. I know her sister too. "Knew" her.

BOOTH: You slept with her sister?

BELLOMO: We had a little fling. That's how I met Harriet. She was staying at Geneva's for a couple of days, and she needed a job and...she had an impressive résumé.

BOOTH: You dumped Geneva?

BELLOMO: Yeah, well good thing too. Geneva was nuts. When she heard I was with Harriet, she went insane. You know that woman waited for me in a tree outside my house? She almost took out my eye. Those girls hate each other's guts.

(Cut to SOLOWAY in the interrogation room with BOOTH)

BOOTH: Why didn't you tell us about Lawrence Bellomo?

SOLOWAY: Lawrence is-is ancient history. Did he kill Harriet?

BOOTH: I'll ask the questions. You were jealous of your sister, weren't you?

SOLOWAY: What are you getting at Agent Booth? Because I don't think I like it.

BOOTH: Well, Harriet was beautiful; led more of an exciting life. You, on the other hand, led a more...

SOLOWAY: Boring? Are you saying my life is boring? So-so I whacked my sister?

BOOTH: I'm just thinking, you know, Harriet stole your boyfriend last year. She probably stole your boyfriend last week. So you got upset, and you whacked her.

SOLOWAY: Okay, I got a little crazy when Lawrence dumped me, but I just couldn't believe he fell for her act.

BOOTH: Her act?

SOLOWAY: Harriet was a phony. Ever since we were little, she would manipulate people to get whatever she wanted. No one knew. Everyone loved her. So-so yeah, you're right, I was jealous. But I would never hurt her.

BOOTH: She was stabbed in the arm six months ago. Do you know who may have done that?

SOLOWAY: Her arm? I don't know. She probably deserved it. But it wasn't me. I hated her, sure, but...I didn't kill her.

(Cut to the bone room in the Jeffersonian. NIGEL-MURRAY and BRENNAN are talking)

NIGEL-MURRAY: Interestingly, the cacao tree is a species of the genus Theobroma, which translates from the Latin as the "food of the gods."

BRENNAN: What would actually be interesting is an explanation of the perimortem fractures, Mr. Nigel-Murray.

NIGEL-MURRAY: Of course. They support our scenario of the attack. With one hand the killer held the victim down, fracturing the clavicle and the sternum, whilst suffocating her with the other hand.

BRENNAN: Anything else?

NIGEL-MURRAY: Oh, yes. I took a closer look at the antemortem trauma that somehow escaped medical care. There is a very small proliferative lesion on the distal edge of the fracture.

BRENNAN: It's an adventitious cyst. The compromised bone formed a callus around a foreign object that was embedded in the open wound. Do you have this on x ray?

NIGEL-MURRAY: Yes.

BRENNAN: It looks like a small rock.

NIGEL-MURRAY: Oh! Rock was the subject of my only disputed Jeopardy answer.

BRENNAN: Is this relevant, Mr. Nigel-Murray?

NIGEL-MURRAY: The category was "Famous Jameses." The question: "He is widely considered the best rock guitarist of all time." So, obviously, my answer: "Who is Jimmy Page?" No. It's not the response. The response they were looking for: "Who is Jimi Hendrix?"

BRENNAN: Mr. Nigel-Murray.

NIGEL-MURRAY: I know. I know. Jimi Hendrix. First of all, Jimmy Page is a better musician. That's a fact. Also, Jimi Hendrix? His original birth name is Johnny. So he doesn't, doesn't even belong in the category.

BRENNAN: That wasn't relevant at all, Mr. Nigel-Murray. Take a microslice of the cyst and have Dr. Hodgins identify the foreign object.

(BRENNAN exits)

NIGEL-MURRAY: Jimmy Page is always relevant.

(Cut to SWEETS' office. CAM is sitting across from SWEETS)

SWEETS: Well, you're here so you must want my honest opinion.

CAM: I guess so.

SWEETS: I think you're overreacting, Dr. Saroyan.

CAM: Overreacting? D-Do...Are shrinks even allowed to use that word? Okay, so why am I overreacting?

SWEETS: I have a friend, Tim Swift, who was the golden boy in my high school. He got into Harvard but dropped out after the first semester. Wound up in some community college where he majored in weed. Today, he manages a five-billion-dollar charitable trust that's saved thousands of lives.

CAM: I'm sorry. You lost me at "majoring in weed."

SWEETS: The late teens and early twenties are a time for experimentation and growth. And, you know, making a few mistakes is just part of that process.

CAM: Oh, you're making it worse.

SWEETS: It's not that I think that college isn't a big deal-of course it is-but come on. This is Michelle we're talking about. She's an exceptional young woman.

CAM: She is which is why she deserves to go to an exceptional school. This decision-

SWEETS: It's probably going to change, anyway. You know, she and Derrick will have a fight, or she'll start to feel left out when her friends visit schools. I don't think this is a done deal.

CAM: Applications are due in a few months. What if she realizes too late? I'm responsible for her, Dr. Sweets.

SWEETS: Well, you know, it may not unfold the way you'd like it to, but Michelle is a smart and wonderful young woman worthy of your trust. Let this play itself out.

CAM: I don't know if I can do that.

SWEETS: I do. You've been a great mother to her.

CAM: Remind me again why I should listen to someone who doesn't even take care of a pet.

SWEETS: Right. I sponsor a water buffalo in the Philippines.

CAM: (laughs) And I suppose you wouldn't get in the way of her decisions.

SWEETS: Oh, I wouldn't get in her way, period.

(Cut to the bone room, where NIGEL-MURRAY is examining the skeleton, and making notes on a clipboard. HODGINS enters)

HODGINS: You made my day, Vincent. Thank you.

NIGEL-MURRAY: Was it the vivid recounting of my debauched weekend in Rio? Or was it that juicy little morsel regarding Se&ntilde;orTrebek?

HODGINS: Both entertaining. But what really does it for me is that foreign object you gave me to I.D. It's a bug. Helopeltistheobromae.

NIGEL-MURRAY: The object we found lodged inside the bone was an insect?

HODGINS: Most of one. It's part of the Miridae family. It's found primarily in Indonesia.

NIGEL-MURRAY: I'll go and tell Dr. Brennan.

HODGINS: Well, when you do, make sure you tell her the best part. One of the little guy's favorite snacks?Cocao plants.

(Cut to BRENNAN and BOOTH sitting at a table in the FBI building with papers strewn all over the table)

BRENNAN: The evidence shows that Harriet was in Indonesia six months ago. Probably on a cocoa plantation, which would explain the insect.

BOOTH: Wait a second, here we go. Indonesia. Cocoa.

BRENNAN: Yes.

BOOTH: Ha! Ha! Ambrosia Chocolates. Remember them?

BRENNAN: Yes. They're expensive.

BOOTH: Yeah.

BRENNAN: And delicious. I love the cream center, although not that much anymore.

BOOTH: Every Ambrosia employee is sent down to Indonesia to take part in this immersion program to study about cocoa.

BRENNAN: But Harriet didn't work for Ambrosia Chocolates.

BOOTH: Look at all the companies, okay, that she worked for after she quit. They all took a hit. Remember Bellomo Wines?

BRENNAN: Yes. Lawrence Bellomo said that he lost a major distributor of his wine.

BOOTH: Every company that Harriet worked for was a victim of corporate espionage.

BRENNAN: Walpert was developing a new line of chocolate.

BOOTH: Ambrosia sends Harriet to Indonesia...

BRENNAN: Because Ambrosia is her real employer. Harriet was a spy.

BOOTH: Yowza.

BRENNAN: Yowza.

(Cut to a conference room in the FBI building. GAIL SLEVIN is sitting at a table. BOOTH enters)

BOOTH: So, Gail Slevin, is it? Right. As president of Ambrosia Chocolates, you have been trying to buy out Walpert for years, that right?

SLEVIN: We've made some overtures. It's not really a priority.

BOOTH: Um, from my count, six overtures. Walpert has not bitten. That must have been frustrating, right?

SLEVIN: Not really. Just business.

BOOTH: Just business? Right? Are you familiar with the Economic Espionage Act?

SLEVIN: No, why would I be?

BOOTH: Well, you know if I find proof that you've illegally obtained a competitor's trade secrets, you're looking at at least ten years in prison.

SLEVIN: I agreed to come down here to discuss the accident at Walpert's factory. Suddenly I need a lawyer?

BOOTH: Well, it wasn't an accident, you see. It was murder. And we have proof that the victim worked for you and has been since she entered your immersion program six months ago. See, Harriet was a spy.

SLEVIN: Am I here because you think I killed her, Agent Booth?

BOOTH: Well, if you didn't, you might want to cooperate. It might make negotiating a plea on that espionage charge a little easier.

SLEVIN: Harriet entered the immersion program just like everybody else so that she seemed just like any other employee.

BOOTH: How did she hurt her arm?

SLEVIN: Happened during the harvesting part of the program. Go hand machetes to 16 Ivy League graduates. See what happens. She sliced herself, it got infected. The plantation's in a remote area, so it was impossible to get sophisticated medical care.

BOOTH: All in the name of chocolate?

SLEVIN: This is a competitive business, Agent Booth. Billions of dollars are at stake. Harriet was hired at Walpert to find the company's weaknesses.

BOOTH: And maybe steal some trade secrets along the way.

SLEVIN: She called me last week, whispering in the phone saying she was gonna quit.

BOOTH: Did she say why?

SLEVIN: She thought Jimmy Walpert was onto her. I told her to be careful. Jimmy has a temper.

(Cut to the lab. CAM is working on the computer. MICHELLE enters)

MICHELLE: Cam?

CAM: Oh. Hey. I'm just, uh, working on some disgusting stuff here.

MICHELLE: Uh, Derrick flew up to Maine this week to sign his letter of intent. He brought this back for me.

(MICHELLE holds up a sweatshirt with the University of Central Maine mascot on it)

CAM: He's actually a much cuter mascot than I imagined.

MICHELLE: I was hoping you'd take it. Maybe even wear it once in a while? I just...I still want you to be proud of me.

CAM: Oh, Michelle. I-I'm extremely proud of you. And I'm so sorry I haven't been supportive. This is your decision, and you have my support. One hundred percent.

MICHELLE: Thank you.

CAM: Go, Hagfish!

MICHELLE: I'll see you at home.

(MICHELLE exits)

CAM: Okay. Okay.

(NIGEL-MURRAY enters)

NIGEL-MURRAY: Dr. Saroyan, have you a minute?

(Cut to the bone examination room)

NIGEL-MURRAY: Interestingly, English Quakers believed that violence among the poor would be ameliorated if they could be persuaded to give up alcohol in favor of chocolate.

CAM: I thought you had something to show me.

NIGEL-MURRAY: Oh, yes, yes. I found another perimortem injury. The fourth finger on the left hand. An asymmetry in the articular condyle with damage to the corresponding facet.

CAM: What does that mean, a dislocated finger?

NIGEL-MURRAY: Twisted. And dislocated. Very near the time of death, yes.

CAM: Huh. That's not a typical defensive wound. Nor does it seem to factor into our suffocation scenario. I'll make sure to tell Dr. Brennan. Very good work.

NIGEL-MURRAY: Also, very very-

CAM: Last one, Mr. Nigel-Murray. Make it good.

NIGEL-MURRAY: Right. Milton Hershey, who had great success spreading chocolate amongst the masses, was also a -drumroll please. You're not gonna...? Very well, I'll do it myself. (drumrolls) A Quaker.

CAM: Huh. That's actually sort of interesting.

(Cut to the Walpert Chocolate Factory. BOOTH and BRENNAN are walking through the factory, while WALPERT is talking to an employee.)

BOOTH: Gail Selvin admitted Harriet was a spy, and she was scared.

BRENNAN: Of what?

WALPERT: It's your job to keep a lid on this Melissa! I mean, look at this article! And what about the other chocolate blogs!

BOOTH: Mr. Walpert?

WALPERT: Not now!

BOOTH: Excuse me?

WALPERT: You and your investigation are costing me big time! Now get the hell off of my property before I call the dogs.

BRENNAN: What is he talking about?

BOOTH: I don't know. Are you threatening a federal officer?

WALPERT: Oh, back off! I mean it!

BOOTH: Okay, you know what? You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent, and if I were you, I would, pal. You believe this guy?

(Cut to an interrogation room in the FBI building. BOOTH and BRENNAN are interrogating WALPERT)

BOOTH: You knew what Harriet was doing, so you drowned her and left her for dead.

BRENNAN: Suffocated her. His hand was over her mouth.

BOOTH: Right. Got it, Bones. So, when did you discover that Harriet was working for Gail Slevin?

WALPERT: What? That little bitch! What did she tell them?

BOOTH: Calm down.

WALPERT: Don't tell me to calm down. This business is my life! Get Scott in here! If he showed her anything, if he showed her one damned slip of paper!

BRENNAN: What does Scott have to do with this?

WALPERT: He's the chocolatier. I handle the business, but he oversees all of the new formulations. I'm, I'm just the face, like the Colonel, but my suit is way nicer. No string tie or anything.

BOOTH: Did Harriet spend a lot of time with Mr. Kimper?

WALPERT: You think I give a crap? I hope so. Scott's wife is....a horse. You could actually put a saddle on her. And Harriet was, uh, quite a tease.

(Cut to BOOTH's office. BOOTH and BRENNAN are sitting at Booth's desk)

BOOTH: Old Scott doesn't hold back on the credit card charges. Take a look at that charge.

BRENNAN: MinuteDivorce.com.

BOOTH: Filed online last Sunday.

BRENNAN: The same day that he spend $12.99 at the liquor store. Bellomo sparkling wine, I imagine.

BOOTH: And $2,000 for an engagement ring.

BRENNAN: Which he yanked off her finger, dislocating it.

BOOTH: I'm telling you, all of the evidence points back to Scott Kimper.

BRENNAN: But, unfortunately, it's just circumstantial.

(Cut to the lab. CAM is filling out an application for Johns Hopkins. HODGINS enters.)

HODGINS: Got the analysis of the latest air bubble. It's good news.

CAM: Let's see.

HODGINS: Is this Michelle's essay to Johns Hopkins?

CAM: Yes.

HODGINS: It's very good.

CAM: It is.

HODGINS: I thought she wasn't applying to any other school besides...Oh. You're writing Michelle's...Oh, that's bad. I mean, that's just wrong.

CAM: No, Dr. Hodgins. That is being a mother, and I assume I can trust your discretion?

HODGINS: Of course...Mom.

(HODGINS exits, tsking)

(Cut to BRENNAN's office. CAM enters)

CAM: We just got the results back from the second bubble we found trapped in the chocolate.

BRENNAN: You mean the eructation.

CAM: This one wasn't a burp. It was her final exhalation. It contained oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and a trace amount of blood.

BRENNAN: Harriet's blood.

CAM: Not Harriet's blood. Someone else's.

BRENNAN: If it was her final exhalation, then it must belong to the person who was with her when she died.

CAM: Yes. We have the killer.

(Cut to the interrogation room. KIMPER is being interrogated.)

KIMPER: She said she loved me. I trusted her.

BOOTH: Well, you weren't the first.

BRENNAN: She worked for Ambrosia Chocolate.

KIMPER: I shared everything with her-my recipes, everything. If she hadn't been inside, that would have been the best chocolate bar you ever had.

(Cut to a street in Washington D.C. BOTH and BRENNAN are walking on the sidewalk)

BRENNAN: He killed her because he loved her?

BOOTH: Oh, he fell in love with a fake. He found out, he couldn't handle it.

BRENNAN: Love is an idiot.

BOOTH: What?

BRENNAN: I was personifying a concept. It's poetic. How does someone fall in love with something that isn't even real?

BOOTH: Oh, that's a big question, 'cause you're just going to say that it's your brain releasing chemicals that just drive you crazy. I'm not even going there. You know what? I'm not gonna have this conversation.

BRENNAN: But you admit that love is an idiot, right?

BOOTH: Yup (phone rings) Oh, look at that. Uh, Hannah's back. Um, you know, this whole thing that we're going to here...

BRENNAN: The official announcement that Angela is pregnant?

BOOTH: Yeah, I feel, um...I feel pretty stupid pretending.

BRENNAN: You're trying to find a justification so you can go home and have s*x with Hannah, right?

BOOTH: Yeah. Plus, we already all know anyway.

BRENNAN: But Hodgins doesn't know we know.

BOOTH: Yeah, but Angela says if you can't pretend not knowing, then you shouldn't go, so I shouldn't go.

BRENNAN: If you want, I can lie to all of our friends and say that you have pressing FBI business.

BOOTH: I don't like the idea of lying to our friends, but I'm going to go with it, thanks.

BRENNAN: Tell Hannah, welcome home.

(Cut to Founding Father's Bar. The squints are all sitting around a table.)

HODGINS: Do you think everyone's here?

(ANGELA looks at the table)

CAM: Just react to something big.

ANGELA: Yes, I do. Just go ahead.

HODGINS: Okay. All right.Um, hello everyone.Uh, all four of you.Our friends. Um, thank you so much for coming out tonight to hear our big announcement. Maybe you've already guessed?

CAM: Nope!

BRENNAN: No.

ANGELA: Okay, um, well, what we'd like to share with all of your is, um...

HODGINS: Yes, our-our best friends. Good, um. Vincent, what's the matter?

NIGEL-MURRAY: I beg of you not look at me directly. Please just say what you've come to say.

HODGINS: Okay, yeah. Um. Ready?

ANGELA: Yes.

HODGINS: Angela and I are going to have a baby!

BRENNAN: A baby! Yay!

CAM: Congratulations!

BRENNAN: Wonderful! A baby!

CAM: That is so awesome!

BRENNAN: Baby!

CAM: So good!

BRENNAN: Wonderful!

HODGINS: Stop. You knew, didn't you?

BRENNAN: No.

CAM: No. Uh-uh.

BRENNAN: We didn't.

SWEETS: About what?

NIGEL-MURRAY: No, I was surprised.

HODGINS: Mm-mm. They knew.

ANGELA: No. No. They didn't...They didn't know. Did you know?

GROUP: Nope. Uh-uh.

HODGINS: That's why no one else is here. Because you told them if they couldn't fake surprise, not ot show up.

BRENNAN: I-I think we were very convincing.

CAM: I actually felt like I was hearing it for the first time.

HODGINS: I can't believe you told them without me.

ANGELA: I didn't tell them honey, they guessed.Didn't you guys guess on your own?

SWEETS: Yeah.

ANGELA: Yes. Yeah, it was the glow, or the vomiting, or something, but the point is, is that we're all together, and you guys are all very happy for us, right?

BRENNAN: That part is true.

SWEETS: To the Hodgins family!

NIGEL-MURRAY: To the Hodgins...Montenegro...

BRENNAN: To the Montenegro, Hodgins family.

NIGEL-MURRAY: And the wee one!

HODGINS: To our family. Yay! To our family.

CAM: I'm so glad that's over!

END.