Family Gay

Now, remember, don't touch this money until you get to the grocery store.

Then buy one can of beans and come straight home. Do you understand?

Lois, I'm a guy you can trust with a task.

I'm the one who almost conquered the dragon's layer.

Ah!

"Dragon's Layer"

Peter, where have you been?

You left for the market six hours ago.

Did you get the beans?

I got something better.

You know how you always wanted a real diamond engagement ring?

Oh, my God.

That's right. I bought a horse.

You bought a horse?

Why the hell did...? I didn't give you that much money.

That's what I thought, Lois.

Sold to the gentleman from Quahog, Rhode lsland.

Congratulations, sir. What brings you down here to Louisville?

I don't know.

Peter, there's something off about that horse.

You have an eye for animals.

This horse is retarded. That's why I got it so cheap.

I don't think it's wise to have a retarded horse as a house pet.

Shut up. You don't know nothing about anything.

Whatever, Peter. Fine, keep the horse.

Good, this family works much better when we're unified.

You'll see, this horse will be a fine addition to our family.

I don't want him to feel self-conscious. Everybody, pee.

Peter, we...

Everybody, pee now.

We're an unusual family.

Peter, the horse is here.

Oh, yeah.

It's so creepy, the way it just stares like that.

Why doesn't it do something?

He's retarded, Lois. You should understand.

You're married to a retarded man. Eh?

You're married to a retarded man.

Ew! Ew! Ew!

What is it? Brian, is Paul Sorvino standing behind me?

Hey, you want a sugar cube, horsy?

Oh, God, Brian, don't.

Ugh! Ew! Ew! Ew!

What made you come around, Lois?

I love you so much.

I love you so much, Lois.

I love you too, Peter.

Take Maple Drive, otherwise we won't make the movie on time.

All right. Uh-oh.

What is it?

The horse is right behind the car.

Peter, that thing is just creepy.

Hey. Scat, scat. Go on, you.

We're go... We're going to see a movie.

All right, I'm gonna try something else.

No, no, no!

Oh, that's got all my stink of the day in it.

That's nasty.

Why are there so many bottles of milk in the refrigerator?

Thanks for reminding me. Some of the milk in the fridge is not milk... it's horse sperm. I'm a horse breeder now.

No one's gonna wanna breed with that horse.

After tomorrow, they will.

I'm gonna enter him in the derby and he's gonna win.

I just know it. I got a sixth sense about this things.

Remember when I predicted the ending to Wild Hogs?

This movie's gonna suck.

Hey there, little fella.

I'm 48.

This whole place is a giant mindfuck.

I've never been in the owner's box.

We are gonna get a great view from up here.

This is gonna be a great race.

Hey, wha...? What are you doing? Get down there.

Where's your midget?

Sorry, boss. Had to pee.

Come on, you.

Guess he's got a small bladder.

A little tiny guy. Gotta go all the time.

Even though he's gotta race, he couldn't hold it.

And they're off.

Go, horsy, go.

God, it even runs like it's messed up in the head.

Is there a reason all the horses are named after cancelled Fox shows?

Kitchen Confidential, The Wedding Bells... followed by Happy Hour, The War at Home, Drive... followed by The Winner, Life on a Stick, The Loop... followed by Head Cases, Standoff, Vanished... followed by Free Ride, Method & Red, Tru Calling... followed by Quintuplets, Stacked, Justice... North Shore, Back to You.

And bringing up the rear but still in the race is 'Til Death.

You named your horse "'Til Death"?

You know why?

Because I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat.

What's this? 'Til Death has taken a right turn... and is heading into the stands.

I could describe the horror I am witnessing... but it is so ugly and heartrending that I cannot bring myself to do so.

Although I do possess the necessary descriptive powers.

Well, at least the horse ran past the class of deaf second graders.

Oh, no, dear God, he's going back!

Oh, I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure they are signing frantically... just as fast as their fingers can shape the phonemes... necessary to convey dread and terror.

Wait. Hold the phone, he's going back toward the track.

Fellas, this race ain't over yet.

Oh, my baby's dead!

It's over.

One hundred thousand dollars' worth of damage... all thanks to that stupid horse.

Can we not talk about the horse, please? It's gone.

It suffered a heart attack from the excitement, and I disposed of it properly.

Oh, boy.

I miss the old days... when it was just a flaming bag of poop and a hurtful note.

I have no idea how the hell we're gonna pay for this.

Well, I'll just have to get a second job or something. Hand me the classifieds.

Hey, Lois, look at this. "Subject wanted for medical... "

What's that?

"Experiments. "

Exparagus.

Experiments.

Experiments.

Right.

And it says they'll pay handsomely. This is perfect.

I won't have to take that job as Matt Damon's neck.

Hey, Matt.

Matt.

Is this one of those movies where you're an educated Boston street tough?

I don't have to take that crap from you.

You have to, my friend. I'm your neck.

What are you gonna do choke me? You'll die if you do that.

Can somebody from Wardrobe get a scarf?

Oh, I'm still gonna... I'll just talk louder.

Ben Affleck married Jennifer Garner... but you married a bartender with a kid.

These are facts.

What do I gotta do, doc?

You don't have to do anything.

We're isolating and studying the effects of various genes.

We're just gonna give you experimental injections and record the results.

What's this one?

We call this the squirrel gene.

It's effects will become apparent shortly.

Okay, what's next?

This is the Seth Rogen gene.

It will give you the appearance of being funny... even though you haven't actually done anything funny.

Hey, doc, are we gonna be much longer?

I gotta get some beers with the fellas before I go out on this date.

How charming and chubby. I'm rooting for you.

All right, Mr. Griffin. We're gonna inject you... with what we believe we've isolated as the gay gene.

I don't understand.

Well, if we're correct... we will have proven that homosexuality is genetic... and not choice or environment.

Are you crazy? I don't wanna take a chance on being gay.

We'll give you $ 125.

All right, I'll do it.

Boy, you're more persuasive than James Bond.

Now, time for some unfinished business.

No, James.

Yes.

No, James.

Yes, you're going to have s*x with me.

No, James! I don't want to.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

Okay, yes.

See that?

Fifty noes and a yes means yes.

Hi.

So how'd the medical experiments go?

So good, Lois. So good.

I'm gonna squeeze right in here if my thighs will let me.

Peter, what exactly did they inject you with?

Oh, all sorts of things. Hepatitis vaccine, a couple of steroids... the gay gene, calcium, a vitamin B extract.

What did you say?

The gay gene.

I assume that's the one you meant, though it wasn't the last I said... when you said, "What did you say?" It was the most unusual.

Yes, that's the one I meant. Peter, are you gay?

Guilty.

Did anybody see... that absolutely fabulous piece on Fiji in yesterday's travel section?

I wish I was Beyoncé.

Maybe you should go back and have that doctor undo whatever he did.

I mean, you're not gay.

What?

I said homosexuality is wrong.

Are you...? Are you being serious right now?

Keep it in the bedroom, you know?

I'm not holding your face with my heterosexuality.

No, you are not.

Dad, now that you're gay, I don't have to have s*x with you, do I?

Not unless you want to. Oh!

Oh, my muffins are ready.

You made muffins?

Well, it wasn't the muffin fairy.

Or was it?

Go ahead, try it.

Peter...

Try it.

Dad, I think Mom's right. You should go back to that doctor.

Well, now, wait a minute, Meg.

Let's not be too hasty.

These are delicious.

What's the secret ingredient?

Spugizakom.

Ew!

What?

Oh, you... Oh, you thought... No, no, no.

Spugizakom, it's a sugar substitute from the Czech Republic.

That's right. Spugizakom.

All right, I'll say it.

What the hell are you drinking?

A pomtini. It's a pomegranate martini.

I read about them in the issue of in Style.

They're what Courtney Thorne-Smith served at her bachelorette party.

Mm.

So you guys feel like watching the game at my house on Sunday?

Sounds good.

That'd be good.

Hey, Quagmire.

Quagmire.

Yeah?

I'll be there.

Well, I think I better get going.

Yeah, why don't you and Cleveland both get going?

Hey, hey, hey, where you guys going?

If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it my way.

Darn it!

Knock, knock.

What's the problem, champ?

Why is math so hard?

You know, it doesn't have to be.

One trick I used is turning things into a word problem.

For example, if there are three glory holes in the bathroom at the club... and 28 guys at the circuit party... how many rotations of guys will it take before everybody's had a turn?

I don't know.

Nine, with a remainder of Brent.

Oh.

Because Brent can't fit in the glory hole And that's why we all like Brent We now return to That Black Guy Must Be Doing Well... Because Everything He Owns is White.

Hey, how you doing?

Wow. He must be doing well.

Well, here's the new nightie you picked out for me.

What do you think?

I'm jealous of Miss Eats-Anything-She-Wants... and-Still-Fits-Into-a-Size-Four. I could scratch your eyes out.

You know, Peter, with all the shopping and cooking and decorating... I have to say I'm really liking the new you an awful lot.

An awful lot.

What are you doing?

I'm fooling around.

Come on, sweetie. Let's have some fun.

Lois, I'm gay.

Wait a minute, you mean, we can't have s*x?

No.

But, Peter, we're married.

Tony Randall was married, Lois. Rock Hudson was married.

Ronald Reagan was married.

Did you reach a missile pact?

Well, you could say that. There was a missile.

And something definitely got packed.

Did you discuss ICBMs?

Well, I did see a BM.

So would you consider this a successful summit?

Oh, yes. I summited three times.

Are you finished with butt-fucking puns?

Just tell me. Is there anything you can do to remove this gene?

Mrs. Griffin, it really doesn't work that way.

We wait for the effects to wear off.

Well, how long will that take?

A week, a month, a year.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes.

Rent, Rent, Rent.

He could be this way for the rest of his life.

I don't see the big deal. I like myself this way.

It's a very big deal. You'll be treated differently... just like my Uncle Ray with a really high-up anus.

I'll be out in a minute.

So Dad's gonna be gay forever?

Possibly, Meg.

We're all gonna have to get used to this... and learn to accept your father for who he is.

Great plan, Lois. Hey, here's a nutty idea.

Ever read the Bible? Leviticus 18:22.

You're judgmentally quoting Bible verses and you don't even know how to read.

Welcome to America, Brian.

Hi, everybody. This is Scott.

Oh, who's Scott?

My soul mate, Lois.

I'm here. I'm queer. Don't get used to it, I'm leaving you.

What?

I'm sorry, Lois.

I can't deny who I am any longer.

I am Peter Griffin, homosexual.

And that's how I'm gonna live my life.

Yeah, I think that's perfectly disgusting.

Every time you do it, you're basically sodomizing Jesus.

I just wanna point that out.

Chris, you're the man of the house. Take the lessons I've taught... and be the best leader of this household you can.

I will, Dad.

Oh, God. I miss Peter so much.

Gay or not, I just wish he was still here.

I miss Dad too, Mom, but we'll manage somehow.

We're still a family, right?

Yeah, I mean, we're tighter than an Asian family.

You doctor yet?

No, Dad. I'm 12.

Talk to me when you doctor.

I am so gay for you, Scott.

I'm so gay for you, Peter.

pen1s for your thoughts.

I just...

You complete me, you know that?

You just make me wanna be a gayer man.

Oh, come here.

And you don't miss your wife at all?

Oh, sure I do.

But this is a whole new chapter in my life, Scott.

And that chapter is all about you.

Oh, Peter. Let's snuggle on the couch and watch Lifetime.

We now return to Meredith Baxter in Raped by a Clown.

It was awful.

He made me do things, awful things. Awful things.

What kinds of things?

I don't even wanna talk about it.

You sure you don't need any house repairs, Mrs. Griffin?

No, thanks, Rick. Ever since Peter left... our house hasn't been destroyed by shenanigans on a weekly basis.

God, I feel so bad for Lois. She really misses Peter.

I wish there was something we could do.

Well, there is, Brian. I looked into it. Straight Camp.

Straight Camp?

Yeah, it's where gays go to get cured.

This is dated last year.

Yeah, I just... I just had it lying around.

I don't know. It goes against everything I believe in.

At this point, I'm willing to try anything.

Oh, for the love of pen1s.

What the...? Where am I?

This is Straight Camp, Peter. I'm sorry, but I'm doing this for Lois.

By the time you get out, you'll be back to your old self.

Welcome to Straight Camp.

You've made a choice to renounce your evil, sinful ways... and redeem yourselves in the eyes of your lord and savior, Jesus... who hates many people, but none more than homosexuals.

And through our carefully structured program, you will succeed.

All right, men. This is Harry the homosexual.

Say hi to everyone, Harry.

Hi, fellas. I sure do love being gay.

Harry's choice of lifestyle is wrong. So we're gonna beat him up for it.

Now, take these baseball bats and get to it.

All right, good so far.

No, no, no. Don't use the bats like that.

No, don't use them like that either.

All right, look. Just put them down and use your fists.

No, no. Not like that!

This next exercise will train you to talk like a straight man.

Peter, we'll start with you. Repeat every word I say exactly as I say it.

Me and my friends Polly and Matty are going out to drink a ton of beers.

My friends and I are going out... but we're not drinking. Those are empty calories.

Then we'll play full-contact football in the park with no pads or helmets.

Then we're gathering at Alan and Omar's for bad-movie night.

Then it's straight to the bars to find women to have s*x with.

Then it's straight to the gym for crunches... and eye contact with strangers.

Peter!

Don't give me that look.

That's what you said. I said it right back to you.

Oh, excuse me.

I'm sorry to bother you, but I didn't know where else to go.

I haven't seen Peter in two days and I thought he might be here.

What? Oh, my God. Peter's missing?

Hey, hang on, hang on.

Before anyone gets too worked up, I know where Peter is.

Where?

I put him in a straight camp.

You what?

Oh, you b*st*rd.

Brian, what...? Why did you do that?

It's just you seemed so unhappy... and I just wanted to help you get your husband back.

Who knows? By now, Peter could be completely heterosexual again.

Stop!

Lois, what are you doing here?

I'm here to get you out of this place, Peter. I'm taking you back to Scott.

Really? You're not still upset about my leaving?

There's nothing I'd want more than to have you back... but your place is in Scott now.

I mean, a person's sexual identity is no more a choice... than the color of his skin.

This is who you are, I can't change you.

And it would be wrong for me to try.

Oh, Lois, you've made me happier than a pig among guinea pigs.

All right, I think we're all in agreement. I'm in charge here.

Hi, Peter.

Hi, Scott.

Guess what. I have a welcome-home surprise for you.

Dish, dish, dish.

Remember how you told me... your ultimate fantasy was to have an 11-way?

Oh, my God, yes, I do, and you so did not even.

Oh, but I did.

Yoo-hoo! Guys.

Oh, here are my notes about the gay gene.

It wears off after two and a half weeks.

Oh, great. Now I can't find Mrs. Griffin's number.

Okay, everybody ready?

Oh, God, I feel like a kid in a candy store... who's having s*x with a bunch of gay guys.

Wait a minute.

What's going on here?

Holy crap! Ah!

These are mine.

Ah!

So we're just, like, never gonna talk about this again?

That's right, sweetie.

Well, I'm just happy to have your father home again.

Yeah, and thank God everything's back to normal.

Take back your f*cking horse!