Pinkie Apple Pie


 * Pinkie Pie: Whatcha doin'?
 * Twilight Sparkle: Aaagh!
 * Pinkie Pie: "Aaagh" yourself! But that doesn't answer my question, silly. [giggles]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Just some genealogical research.
 * Pinkie Pie: Ohhh. [whispering] I don't know what that is.
 * Spike: Genealogy is the study of family history. Y'know, where ponies come from and who they're related to.
 * Pinkie Pie: Ooh, fascinating.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Maybe you should pick one from the... top?
 * Pinkie Pie: Uh-huh... Interesting... I see... Hmm, that makes sense... Not much of a surprise there... WHAT?!? This is the most amazing thing ever! Why didn't you tell me how amazing this is?! Genealogy is better than cotton candy on top of a fountain of chocolate! [thud] You'll never believe who it says I'm related to!


 * [knocking]
 * Pinkie Pie: Hey, cousin!




 * Applejack: This is just so excitin', I can hardly believe it!
 * Pinkie Pie: I know! Isn't it the best?
 * Apple Bloom: I have another sister! I have another sister!
 * Pinkie Pie: Well, you actually have a fourth cousin twice removed by a fifth cousin, but that's like exactly like a sister!
 * Applejack: I'd try to tone it down a little around non-family members, because I don't want to make them jealous, but...
 * Apple Bloom: This is the best family ever!
 * [sproing]
 * Applejack: It really is. You are gonna love bein' an Apple. I mean, you've got the playful one...
 * [boing, thud, boing]
 * Pinkie Pie: [clapping]
 * Applejack: The strong one...
 * Big McIntosh: Eeyup.
 * [splat]
 * Applejack: And of course, there's Granny Smith, who knows everythin' about everythin'!
 * Granny Smith: A Ponyville snail can hibernate for up to forty-eight moons!
 * Pinkie Pie: Who knew?
 * Applejack: And then there's me. [sniffs, exhales] Do you smell that sweet apple air, Pinkie Pie?
 * Pinkie Pie: [sniffs]
 * Applejack: That was rhetorical. Of course you smell it. You're an Apple now!
 * Apple Bloom: And Applejack is the one responsible for it!
 * Applejack: Aw, Apple Bloom, that is sweet, but--
 * Apple Bloom: It's true! I mean she keeps us all organized and on schedule and does her own part on top of it all!
 * Big McIntosh and Granny Smith: Mm-hmm.
 * Pinkie Pie: I was already super happy as a Pie! And now I get to be a part of this amazing family too?
 * Apple Bloom: It's even more amazin' now that you're in it! [rhythmically] We're family, we're family, you an' me are family!
 * Pinkie Pie: Best family twirl everrrrrrr!
 * [crash]
 * Applejack: Huh, I just can't believe we've never heard anythin' about this before! Hmm...
 * Apple Bloom: What's wrong, sis?
 * Applejack: I'm not seein' where exactly it says we're family.
 * Pinkie Pie: It's riiiiiiiii- [inhales] -iiiiiight here!
 * Applejack: It... is?
 * Pinkie Pie: Uh-huh. Applesauce of the Apple family lineage is a fourth cousin twice removed of the Pie family!
 * Applejack: I see the part about our great, great auntie Applesauce and fourth cousin twice removed part, but that last bit's awful smudged. Are you sure it says 'Pie'?
 * Pinkie Pie: I guess it is a little smudged, but I see most of it there, and when I read it, I knew in my heart it was true!
 * Granny Smith: Well, ain't that just the sweetest thing!
 * Applejack: It is, it is. I'd just hate for us to get all excited before we found out for sure.
 * Apple Bloom: So how are we supposed to find out for sure?
 * Granny Smith: Ehhhh... Oh! Cousin Goldie Delicious! Her cabin's practically an Apple family history museum! If anypony has the records to back up Pinkie's theory, it's her!
 * Applejack: Huh, I suppose we could always... I mean, Goldie Delicious doesn't live that far away, and we haven't been on one as a family in a real long time... Are y'all thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
 * Apple family: Family road trip!


 * Granny Smith: Has anypony seen my travelin' bonnet?
 * Apple Bloom: Isn't that it on your head?
 * [beat]
 * Granny Smith: No!
 * Apple Bloom: It looks an awful lot like--
 * Granny Smith: Well, it ain't, and that's final!
 * Applejack: Hey, everypony? Since Pinkie Pie's back home gettin' her stuff for the trip, can y'all gather round? I just wanted to say somethin' real quick.
 * Granny Smith: I've had somethin' in my teeth this whole time, haven't I? Gadsnickety, what a way to welcome a family member!
 * Applejack: Er, no, Granny, your teeth are fine. I just wanted to be sure that we're all on the same page about showin' Pinkie Pie how awesome a family we really are. We want her to get to know the family she's been born into, but, like, the best version of it, y'know?
 * Granny Smith: Oh, [blows raspberry]. Don't you worry, honey. We're a great family, and she can't help but see it.
 * Apple Bloom: I'll bet my future cutie mark's gonna be a picture of me bein' the best behaved pony ever! That's how good I'm gonna be! Big Mac?
 * Big McIntosh: Eeyup.
 * Pinkie Pie: Are y'all ready to go? Because I'm ready to go-go-go!
 * Applejack: Er, Big Mac? Are you sure we really need all that stuff?
 * Big McIntosh: Eeyup.
 * Applejack: Are you sure you're strong enough to really pull all that stuff?
 * Big McIntosh: Eeyup.
 * Applejack: Are you sure the wagon's strong enough to hold it all?
 * Big McIntosh: [groans] Eeyup!
 * Applejack: Then lets get this show on the road!


 * [crash]


 * Applejack: Big Mac! I thought you said– Uh, I thought– I mean, not that I'm blamin' you, because we don't blame in this family, but I thought you said all this stuff wasn't gonna be too heavy.
 * Apple Bloom: How're we supposed to get to Goldie Delicious now?
 * Granny Smith: I don't know, but I don't see how we can go back now either. We're closer to cousin Goldie's that we are to home.
 * Pinkie Pie: [gasps] I have the best... idea... ever! Family river trip!
 * Applejack: Heh. Just one problem. We haven't got a raft. [under her breath] 'Bout the only thing that didn't get packed.
 * Granny Smith: Well, back in the old days, we used to use the sap from a sugar pine tree to glue things together.
 * Applejack: That is, uh, fascinatin'... Don't know that it's helpful, but it is fascinatin'...
 * Granny Smith: Pfft! 'Not helpful', my patootie! We're gonna build ourselves a raft out of these here jalopy parts and keep it held together with sugar pine sap!
 * Applejack: Hm, worth a shot!
 * Pinkie Pie: Woo-hoo!


 * Applejack: Could be worse, I guess. Now remember, this time we're only packin' the necessities.
 * Pinkie Pie: Wait a second!
 * [camera clicks]
 * Pinkie Pie: This one is for the scrapbook!
 * Applejack: Pinkie Pie, when did you have time to make this?
 * Pinkie Pie: Applejack, when you're family, you make the time.
 * [splash]
 * Applejack: Woo-hoo! We did it!
 * Pinkie Pie: Say 'soaked'!
 * [camera clicks]


 * Pinkie Pie: So what you're saying is, if I have the courage to jump, the parachute will open.
 * Big McIntosh: Eeyup.
 * Pinkie Pie: Whoa! That is deep!
 * Big McIntosh: Eeyup.
 * Applejack: Uh-oh... All right, y'all. Please tell me that the map didn' get wet. 'Cuz it looks like I'm gonna need it right about now.
 * Apple Bloom: Found it!
 * Who's got the map?
 * I got the map!
 * M to the A to the yeah, that's right, P
 * Ain't no other pony found a map like me
 * I'm Applel—
 * Uh-oh.
 * Applejack: [gasp]
 * Everypony: [screams]
 * [splash, splash, camera clicks]
 * Apple Bloom: [laughs nervously]
 * Applejack: [through gritted teeth] All you had to do was bring it to me. No singin', no dancin', no games. Just walk it over!
 * Big McIntosh: [through gritted teeth] Eeyup.
 * Pinkie Pie: Say 'best siblings ever'!
 * [camera clicks]
 * Pinkie Pie: Ooh, that's another keeper!
 * Granny Smith: It's okay, y'all! I travelled down this river as a filly and I know it like the back of my hoof!
 * Applejack: Are you sure you know which way to go?
 * Granny Smith: Does a June bug like to hide in a tree?
 * Applejack: Uh... I don't know.
 * Granny Smith: Well, I do know! And I also know we wanna head southeast! Now step aside, young'un!
 * Applejack: Um, Granny?
 * Granny Smith: Myuh-huh?
 * Applejack: Are we supposed to go through a cave?
 * Granny Smith: Ah, don't worry, child! The scariest cave in Equestria was down that other way!
 * Apple Bloom: The scariest cave in Equestria?
 * Granny Smith: Oh, it's a fright all right! Filled with creatures that'll eat ya soon as look at ya!
 * Pinkie Pie: Ooh, sounds scary. Tell us more!
 * Granny Smith: Ponies go in... but they never come out!
 * Applejack: And you're sure it's not that cave? The one we're headin' straight for?
 * Granny Smith: Now, Applejack, I taught you better than to question your elder ponies!
 * Pinkie Pie: [squee]
 * Applejack: Heh... you sure did.
 * Granny Smith: Alrighty then. Now everypony just sit on back an' leave the steerin' to your old Granny Smith.
 * Applejack: [gulp]
 * Granny Smith: See now? Told ya th--
 * [roaring]
 * Apple family: [screaming]
 * [camera clicks]
 * Pinkie Pie: Got it! Best scary unidentifiable creature ever! Say 'terrified'!
 * Apple family: [continue screaming]
 * [camera clicks]
 * Pinkie Pie: [hums]
 * Granny Smith: Guess that was the scariest cave in Equestria. Uh, of course I meant to take us through it! Unexpected adventure is good for the soul!
 * Pinkie Pie: Best granny wisdom ever!
 * Applejack: Uh-huh. Why don't you just scooch on over there, Granny? Think I'll take it from here on out.
 * Granny Smith: Huh! Is that how I taught you to treat your elder ponies?
 * Pinkie Pie: Ooh! Ooh! Is it?
 * Applejack: You taught me to trust my common sense. And my common sense says we should get to Goldie Delicious's cabin in one piece.
 * Granny Smith: And that is exactly what I'm gonna do!
 * Applejack: That is mighty generous of you, but I think you've done enough for one day.
 * Granny Smith: And how exactly are you gonna know which way to go?
 * Pinkie Pie: Hmmmmmmm?
 * Applejack: It would be easier if the map hadn't gone overboard!
 * Apple Bloom: Hey! There wouldn't have been an overboard if Big Mac hadn't overpacked the jalopy!
 * Big McIntosh: Eeyu- hey!
 * Applejack: Exactly! So I think we can all agree that from here on out, I should be in charge of everythin'.
 * Apple family: [arguing]
 * [splash, duck quacks, eagle cries]
 * Applejack: [laughs nervously]
 * Pinkie Pie: I just wanna say... that I think you're all super duper, and I can't wait to make a page in my scrapbook about the amazing waterfall we went down!
 * [water rushing]
 * [duck quacks]
 * Apple family: [panicked cries] [screams]


 * Apple family: [screams]
 * Pinkie Pie: Wheeeee!
 * [camera clicks four times]
 * [splash]
 * Granny Smith: Huh! Told you that sugar pine sap would hold this thing together.
 * [crunch]
 * Apple family: [yelps]
 * [balloons pop]
 * Pinkie Pie: [yelps]


 * Apple family: [groaning]
 * Pinkie Pie: We're here! We're here! We made it to Goldie Delicious's's's's's! You guys! There's a note! [giggles]
 * Applejack: Uh, Pinkie Pie? Maybe you could read that one out loud?
 * Pinkie Pie: Oh, right, sorry! I haven't even read it yet. I was just looking at how pretty the paper is. Okay, it says that she ran off to run some errands but will be home soon! Oh, that's perfect!
 * Apple Bloom: Why is that perfect?
 * Pinkie Pie: Because it'll give me enough time to get more scrapbook paper! See ya!
 * Apple Bloom: Worst family road trip. Ever.
 * Big McIntosh: [sadly] Eeyup.
 * Applejack: I can't believe she witnessed our family fallin' apart like this. [sighs] I can't believe I was arguin' with you so much that I tore the wheel right off the raft. It's like I wasn't myself at all.
 * Granny Smith: Aw, that wasn't your fault. My stubborn streak got a hold of me somethin' fierce. Should've let you take the wheel long a'fore that.
 * Apple Bloom: It was my fault the map got all wet...
 * Big McIntosh: I was the pony who—
 * Granny Smith: Now, now, Big Mac, you gotta know we forgive you for packin' the jalopy so much that it collapsed. You was just as eager to please Pinkie Pie like the rest of us.
 * Applejack: Everypony, I think we have to let Pinkie Pie know that even if she does discover that she's an Apple, she does not have to feel obliged to consider herself one.
 * Granny Smith: Sure as applesauce.
 * Pinkie Pie: Are you kidding me?! You guys are the best family ever!
 * Applejack: How can you say that? We started out as one big unit, and now look at us.
 * Pinkie Pie: Yeah! Now look at you! You're all here still in one big unit, loving each other and owning up to what went wrong! You never gave up, even when things got tough!
 * Apple Bloom: She does make a pretty good point.
 * Pinkie Pie: You aren't just family, you're best friends! And I wanna be an Apple more than ever!
 * Apple Bloom: And we want you to be one too!
 * Pinkie Pie: Yippee! [giggles]
 * Goldie Delicious: Now that's how you run an errand.
 * Pinkie Pie: Hello!
 * Goldie Delicious: Hello yourself!
 * Applejack: You must be Goldie Delicious. So nice to meet you.
 * Goldie Delicious: Uh-huh. And who exactly are you?
 * Pinkie Pie: We're Apples!
 * Applejack: Well, we think we're all Apples. But we need your help finding out if Pinkie Pie here is our fourth cousin twice removed.
 * Goldie Delicious: Well why didn't you say so? If anypony can help solve this genealogy mystery, it's me!
 * [door creaking]
 * Goldie Delicious: [straining] Oh, I am sorry about this. I wasn't exactly expectin' company. Lemme try to squeeze in here... [straining]
 * [cats complaining]
 * Goldie Delicious: Gotta... get some oil... for the hinges... Alrighty then, just have to move a few things out of the way of the door. Ooh! Ah! Get off of that, Mr. Fluffy... Come on, Pooples... Come here, sweetheart... Come on in! Sorry about the mess!
 * [many, many cat noises]
 * Applejack: Whoa!
 * Goldie Delicious: Oh, careful now. Those belonged to your great-great-great-great uncle Apple Tart!
 * Apple Bloom: Well, whose was this?
 * Goldie Delicious: Well, that was my lunch. A couple of weeks ago.
 * [cats purring]
 * Goldie Delicious: [blows dust away] [straining] This here is a complete record of, of our family tree! It's not here, or here, or, or here, or it certainly isn't here, is, is it...? Oh, here it is! ...Oh, dear.
 * Granny Smith: 'Oh, dear'? What is it?
 * Pinkie Pie: Am I not an Apple after all?
 * Goldie Delicious: Well, that's just it. I don't know. The page is all smudged. I sure am sorry, but I don't think I can help you out after all.
 * Pinkie Pie: Don't be sorry, it's okay. I'm just a little disappointed that I'll never know for sure if I'm a part of this family.
 * Applejack: Well, I know for sure!
 * Pinkie Pie: What do you mean? You can't know!
 * Applejack: I can know for sure that it doesn't matter what the book says or doesn't say. After all you've been through with us and all you've put up with, it's obvious you're an Apple to the core!
 * Granny Smith: Darn tootin'!
 * Apple Bloom: Yes siree!
 * Big McIntosh: Eeyup!
 * Pinkie Pie: Ooh! Say 'best family hug ever'!
 * Apple family: Best family hug ever!
 * [camera clicks]


 * Applejack: Thanks again for the wagon, Goldie! We'll see you soon!
 * Goldie Delicious: Y'all sure you don't want to take any of these Apple family heirlooms home with you?
 * [crash]
 * [cat mews]
 * Big McIntosh: Nnope.


 * Applejack: Twilight agreed this was definitely an experience worth puttin' in the journal. Think I'll write about how bein' a good family isn't about bein' perfect as much as it is about bein' able to get through the rough patches together. About bein' able to forgive each other for mistakes.
 * Apple Bloom: Don't forget to mention how really good friends can also feel like your family.
 * Big McIntosh: Eeyup.
 * Apple Bloom: You know what? Maybe I should write it. I'm good at makin' things sound excitin'.
 * Granny Smith: I have a history of excellent storytellin'. I should probably do it— Hey! Where in the haystack do you think you're goin' with that there pen?!
 * Big McIntosh: I'm goin' to do- [voice drowned out]
 * Apple family: [arguing]
 * Pinkie Pie: [to the viewers] Look at me! I'm part of the Apple family too! I'm arguing! Argue, argue, argue! Bicker, bicker! [laughs]


 * [credits]