Eligible Bachelors

All right, I'll do it. Do what? **** and they asked to Bugs to be on it. What am I? Invisible? I'm the most **** here. What's the charity? The literacy. That's my favorite charity. There's too much literacy in the world! We need a **** literacy! Uh, Daffy, the fight is for literacy. What?! Who's for literacy? Our highways and byways are covered in litter. I, for one, think it should be a crime. Littering is a crime. You went to jail for it. Literacy is the ability to read and write. Oh! Then count me in. O-n-n. [Slurping] Ahh! $200! It's sold for $200. [Shrieks] The next bachelor, Bugs Bunny. [Applause] - $900! - I want him! - 2,000! - 3,000! - You better back off. 5,000! - I'll fight you for him! Oh, that's it! [Shrieks] Now, ladies, take it easy. $100,000! [All gasp] Bun bun, I'm back! - Lola? - Sold! I'm back in your life! At least for one date, and he can't say no because it's for a good cause. Littering! Our next bachelor is Daffy Duck. Let's keep this money train rollin', ladies. Daffy has no job, and no education. And a credit score of negative 13. Let's start the bidding at $50. [Man coughing] Anyone? It's for charity. Tax deductible. Gross. Well, we tried. Our next bachelor-- Two bits! Sold! [Chuckling] Oh, my bachelor. Knock off the pleasantries, grandma. Let's get this date over with. So what's the plan? Dinner, movie, moonlight stroll on the beach? I thought we'd clean out my attic. Clean your attic? What's romantic about that? I'm a 90 year old woman. [Crash] Get your mind out of the gutter. You're sure you don't want to start with the living room? [Knock on door] Coming. [Banging on door] I said I'm coming! [Doorbell ringing, knocking continues] Oh, brother. [Siren] Oh, you're home! Yes, Lola. I'm home. But not for long, 'cause we are going to Paris, France! What?! For our date! We're going to Paris. You know, the city of lovers. No, no, no, no, no. That's not a date. A date is dinner at a restaurant. So we'll have dinner at a restaurant in Paris. Lola, I'm not leaving the country. Oh, yes, you are. It clearly states in article five, section three of the bachelor auction bylaws, that the bidder--that's me-- will decide where and what constitutes the date while the bidee--that's you-- must escort the bidder-- again, that's me-- on said date for up to but not exceeding 24 hours. Again, the bidee is you, and I'm the bidder, and these are the bylaws. And this is a megaphone. [Ding] [Indistinct chatter] Oh, I'm so bored. I read all my magazines, I did the crossword. I ate all my peanuts. I ate all your peanuts. I peed four times. Oh, I feel like I've been on this plane forever. [Ding] Flight attendants, please prepare the cabin for takeoff. How long is this flight again? and 10 hours back. That's 20 of your 24 hours. Ooh, someone's good at math. [Chuckles] That's what I love about you. That and your smile. Oh, and your frown. And that in between smile and frown face. And your profile. Oh, and the back of your head. Oh, look at your ears. What are those? Noise canceling headphones. You don't happen to have another pair, do you? Well, this is my attic. Great day in the morning! How much junk can a person hoard? Oh, if it's broken, throw it away. Otherwise, just organize and clean as you go. I'll go get us some tea. Here we are. Oh, thank goodness, I'm melting. Are you kidding me? It's a thousand degrees up here! Ever heard of iced tea? Ice will chip teeth. Oh, I haven't seen these in ages. Hubba hubba! How about you set me up on a date with your granddaughter, huh? That's me, during the war. I was a waac. Hate to break it to you, but you're still a whack. [Blowing] Oh, no, silly. The women's auxiliary army corp. You were in the army? Yes. I was a spy. It was the final days of world war ii. [Helicopter flying] Germany still had control of Paris. I was told to meet my contact at the louvre in front of the "Mona Lisa". Hold on. What's a contact, what's the louvre, and what's the "Mona Lisa"? Just listen. [Helicopter flying] From now on, all exchanges are to be delivered by carrier pigeon from zee eiffel tower. Carrier pigeon? I hate birds. I was never here. Hurry, you fools! The Americans will be here soon. But we will no longer control Paris, but we're not leaving here empty-handed. We're going to steal all of their art. [Laughter] Get to work! [Camera shutter clicking] A spy! Get her! Did they catch you? Did they kill you?! They killed you, didn't they?! What?! It's a legitimate question. Now, where was I? A spy! Get her! [All yelling] [Birds chirping] Oh, my goodness. Oh, I'm so excited! It's the louvre! I love the louvre. Oh, I am a louvre lover! You can't help but fall in love when you're at the louvre. Surrounded by so many beautiful things. Beautiful, expensive things. The louvre is the most incredible place in the world. The louvre is an art museum? I thought it was a mall. Oh, well. [Chuckles] When in Rome! [Gasps] Wait a second. We're not in Rome. We should go to Rome! Or we could just roam around here. They have great malls in Rome. The mall of America's in Rome. Oh, no, wait, that's in Canada. [Gasps] We should go to Canada! I had lost the Germans. Or so I had thought. [All yelling] [Blows whistle] You don't look like a carrier pigeon. There's a shortage of pigeons. They're using any birds they can get their hands on. Go. I said go! [Plop] Good luck. Take this film to the allied forces. [Doors open] Go! [All grunting] Oh! Whoa! Oh! Oh! Did you fall?! Did you fall to your death? You fell to your death! Oh, it's time for my nap. I'll continue my story when I wake up. Oh, yeah, she fell to her death. Stonehenge. One of the oldest structures in the world. - Lola-- - Was it the druids who built it, or aliens, hmm? The world will never know. It's the eiffel tower. The world will never know. [Watch beeps] Oh, my gosh, hurry! We only have two more hours left in Paris and we haven't fallen in love yet! Wait, have you fallen in love yet? Ok, well, quit staring at stonehenge and let's see the rest of the city! [Snoring] [Door creaking] [Snoring continues] - Wake up! - Aah! You know, that's a good way to kill an old person. I can't stand the suspense! What happened at the eiffel tower?! Eiffel tower? Oh. Oh, yes. I was holding on for dear life. I am not leaving Paris without France's finest piece of art, the eiffel tower. [All screaming] Help! Aaah! No one can save you now! I can! [Screaming] Oh! You saved my life. He's getting away! We need to stop him. [Birds chirping] Wow. The white house. Lola-- - I thought it would be more white. And a little more house-looking. Oh, our poor president. Has to commute 10 hours to work every morning and then do a bunch of politics all day and then get right back on that plane and fly another 10 hours just to do it all over again the next day? That man deserves our support. Lola! Oh, say does that star spangled banner yet wave Lola, stop! You need to stop talking. We're in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Let's take a deep breath, look around, and just take it all in. That's a great-- - with no talking. [Whistling] [French music playing] [Kiss] Yeah, no, that whole thing would have been a lot more better with talking. Ohh! [Gasps] Get her! Idiot! I'll do it myself! [Screams] [Groans] A little closer. Now! [Grunting] [Speaking german] You! Land this blimp, Frankenheimer. I don't take orders from a woman! I'm not just a woman. I'm a waac! Aah! [Grunting] Aah! Oh! [Grunting] This art does not belong to you! It will soon, when we cross the German border. [Both grunting] And who are you? Your worst nightmare! [Grunting] [Groaning] [Screaming] You're not much of a carrier pigeon, but you're one heck of a tweetie bird. Now, let's turn this blimp around. Did the blimp explode? Did it explode into a million pieces? It exploded and killed you, didn't it? You're not very bright, are you? Huh? We arrive back in Paris to an incredible reception. The rest of the art was returned to the louvre. The allies liberated France. Colonel Frankenheimer was sent to prison. And I was rewarded with a very special gift. A gift? What was it? You think I would have noticed that before. Then what's the one they got in France? It's a fake. Wow! Oh, hey, we never finished cleaning your attic. Well, truth be told, I didn't bid on you just to clean my attic. It's also nice to have someone to talk to. Any time. That was a fun date. Aren't you going to walk me home? Ah, just kiddin'. [Laughs] [Door opens] - Hey. - Hey. Huh? Meep meep! [Computer beeping] [Cash register dings] [Wind blowing] [Wheezing] Meep meep! Meep meep! Meep meep! [Crash] Meep meep! [Crash] Meep meep! Meep meep! So now let me get this straight. You fought in world war ii. Yep. How old are you? I'll never tell. Well, can you at least tell me if you're a boy or a girl? [Whispering] Huh. I was wrong.