She's The Mayor

(Scene opens up on the City Hall clock; it strikes 1:00)

Roger: And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pride that I announce the winner of this year's annual "Mayor For A Day" essay contest. For her brilliant essay entitled "Why My Little Brothers Should Be Busted", I relinquish my office as mayor for the day to Candace Flynn!

Lawrence: Oh, bravo! Bravissimo!

Phineas: Way to go, sis!

Roger: Miss Flynn has found the perfect metaphor for our troubled times. In this day and age, it is all of our responsibility to "bust" the "little brothers" of corporate greed to the "mom" of fiscal responsibility.

Person from the audience: Hooray for "busting little brothers" being a perfect metaphor for our times!

Linda: Oh, that's great. I've been rushing home all summer long for a metaphor.

Roger: Candace Flynn has that true, good ol' pioneering spirit represented by the founding men and woman who built this city using only what the land provided.

Person from the audience: Hooray for building things without the tools and technology we take for granted today!

Linda: Let's hope the city survives.

Phineas: Building things without tools and technology? Hmm. Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today.

Roger: I give you Candace Flynn.

Candace: Uh, I think we should bust my brothers. Yes, um... when I was the queen of Mars, I...

Roger: All righty, then. Let's get you to your office. Candace Flynn, everybody!

Phineas: Looks like Candace has a full day. And so do we. Let's bounce.

(cut to the inside of the mayor's office)

Roger: And here we are. Oh, look at that. You get the big chair. And you get your own nameplate and a bowl of mints. Ooh! Picture op! Great! Melanie, I'm off to my appointment. You make sure the new mayor has everything she needs. Miss Flynn, you are in charge.

Candace: In charge, huh? Time to make some new laws.

Melanie: You realize this is just a temporary position for show? You don't really have the power to...

Candace: So, as a mayor, I officially give you the rest of the week off.

Melanie: Well, that's really cute, but...

Candace: With pay.

Melanie: Melanie is out, peace!

Candace: Hey Stacy, how'd you like to be the assistant to the mayor?

Stacy: Coolness. At your service.

Candace: At last. Candace Flynn is in charge.

(cut to Phineas and Ferb's backyard)

Isabella: What'cha doin'?

Phineas: We're going to build an authentic pioneer town in our own backyard. And we're only gonna use Dad's antique collection of pioneer tools to do it. That's the spirit, Ferb. Hey, where's Perry?

(cut to Perry with Major Monogram and Carl)

Major Monogram: Morning, Agent P. Uh, sorry we have to meet here at the agency sauna. It's just that if we don't use it at least three times a month, we lose our privileges. Anyway, it's our old friend Doofenshmirtz again. He's been researching both theoretical physics and golf fashion. Sounds like an unholy combination. So we're sending you in undercover to stop him. Good luck, Agent P. Agent W! Ha ha! Didn't see you there. How's the old blow hole?

(cut to Phineas and Ferb's backyard)

Phineas: Let's get authentic.

(slow country music)

(Song: "Quirky Worky Song" (Pioneer version))

(Song: "Ordinary Day")

Candace: Okay, Stacy. Let's get busy. I have a city to run. (walks out the door) The task force recruits are looking pretty good. Wait a minute. New law: I'm the one one who can wear that color!

Stacy: Duly noted.

Candace: (cuts somewhere else) New law: everything should be pretty. (cuts somewhere else) New law: free makeovers for the mayor.

Stacy: Good one, Miss Mayor.

(cut to somewhere else)

Candace: New law: today is "Free Clothing For The Mayor Day"! I'll take that! And I'll take that! And I'll take that! And I'll take that! And...

(cut outside)

Candace: (keeps making laws) New law! New law! New law!

(cut to Phineas and Ferb's backyard)

(slow country theme playing (Quirky Worky Song); Phineas and Ferb pant; slow country music continues playing)

(cut to Stacy and Candace)

Stacy: Well, Looks like you've left your mark on Danville.

Candace: What?

Stacy: I said, it looks like you've left your mark on...

Candace: What?

Stacy: I've said...

Candace: Hold on a sec, Stace. Can we kill the music, please?

(music stops)

Stacy: Oh, brother, I busted my pencil.

Candace: Brother? Busted? I just realized. I, like so many other elected officials, have forgotten the very promises I made that got me into office in the first place! That's it! I'm gonna bust my brothers!

(Cut to Danville Country Club.)

Doofenshmirtz: (on phone) Yes, Mother, I know I promised that I'd spend some quality time with my brother, but, golf? Really? I mean... No, I am not a big baby! I, uh, I am not! Oh, there he is now. Goodbye, Mother. (hangs up)

Roger: Hello, brother dear. Sorry we're late. Couldn't be helped. You know how it is. Traffic was terrible and I've already wasted half a morning not caring at all about being punctual for our golf game. Oh, and this is my caddy, Katie.

Katie: (giggles)

Doofenshmirtz: Hey...hey, where's my caddy?

Perry: (chatters)

(Cut to reveal Perry dressed as a caddy. Doof, as usual, does not recognize him without the fedora.)

Doofenshmirtz: Say, you're not my regular caddy.

Roger: Oh, lighten up, Heinz. You know what they say, "You can't be tee'd off once you've teed-off." Heh-heh-heh. That was very funny.

Doofenshmirtz: What? Who says that?

Roger: You know, "They." (points over to his left) Those guys over there.

(Cut to a couple of creepy looking twin dudes.)

"They": You can't be tee'd off once you've teed-off.

(Cut back to Roger, Doof, Katie and Perry.)

Roger: Creepy, huh? I've been trying to ditch those guys all day.

Doofenshmirtz: (to Perry) Are you sure we haven't met before? You look so familiar. Something about your platypus-like beak. Hmmm. Can't quite put my finger on it.

(Cut to the backyard, which now looks like an old-timey town.)

Phineas: Well, we're almost done. All we gotta do now is get rid of those cattle wrestlers.

(Cut to a couple of Mexican lucha wrestlers fighting a cow.)

Lucha Wrestler: Tag me in! Tag me in!

(Cut to an old coot.)

Old Coot: Ha! Galldang idgets!

(Cut back to Phineas and the gang.)

Isabella: Who's that guy?

Phineas: He's the Old Coot. Every frontier town had one.

(Cut back to the coot.)

Old Coot: (spits)

(Cut back to the gang.)

Buford: Man, he sure can spit.

Old Coot: You tenderfoots better high tail on outta here if you know what's good fer ya! This here town was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground! (spits again)

(An inexplicable cat screech is heard.)

Phineas: Actually, this is our backyard.

(beat)

Old Coot: If you find any gold, it's mine!

Phineas: Uh, okay.

(POV binoculars shot of the gang and the coot.)

Old Coot: (whooping) If you find any gold, it's mine!

(Cut to reveal three highly-decorated Secret Service men on the roof.)

Secret Service Man: That's right, Madam Mayor, we're sending you video now.

(Cut to the mayor's office.)

Candace: That's it, boys. Good work. (to Stacy) It seems they've built some sort of lame town in our backyard.

Stacy: It looks like they've done a pretty good job.

Candace: Really, Stacy? Really? (on phone) Gather the press and the media and get them to my house! This time those pests are goin' down! (hangs up)

Stacy: (to the tune of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony) Dun dun dun duuuuuuunnnn...

(Cut to a very sleepy Doof. Roger swings and hits his ball.)

Roger: Heinz! Wake up, Heinz, we're on to the next hole already.

(He drives off in the golf cart.)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, I hate golf! It's boring to watch and tedious to play. That's why I came prepared. You think this is a normal golf bag, don't you? But when I twist this club here... (an inator appears on the green) Behold, the Accelerate-inator! With the Accelerate-inator, I can fast-forward my brother through this boring golf game in seconds. (looks through the monitor) Ah, there he is. Let's give it a shot. Fast forward!

(Song: "Platypus Walk" (instrumental))

(Roger gets zapped and quickly hits his ball at each hole.)

Doofenshmirtz (cont'd): Hee hee hee! Oh, yeah! Yeah, look at him go! Hee hee hee hee hee!

(Cut to the Flynn-Fletcher house. The press and others are there along with a giant red curtain next to the house with a sign over it saying "THE BIG BUST")

Candace: Welcome, everyone, to the Big Bust! Today you shall bear witness as I bust my brothers!

Everyone: Yay, metaphors!

Candace: (to a Secret Service guy) I want you to take the limo, pick up my mom and dad and bring them back, stat! (The Secret Service guy salutes and leaves.) Oh yeah!

(Cut to the backyard.)

Phineas: Well, guys, we did it. A one hundred percent historically accurate old-timey pioneer town.

Baljeet: Yes, complete with hitching posts.

Buford: (showing a snake on his hand) And snake bites.

Baljeet: (showing a huge blemish on his butt) And deer ticks.

Buford: (lifting up his shirt) And various sores I'll be nursing for months.

Phineas: Yep. It took a whole lot of toil, pain, sweat, and hard work to build this town. We should be proud.

Ferb: Let's never do that again.

Phineas: Agreed. Come on, let's go inside the house for a snack. (They walk out.)

Isabella: And air conditioning.

Buford: And indoor toilets.

(Cut to Linda and Lawrence window shopping when the limo pulls up near them.)

Chauffeur: Mr. and Mrs. Flynn? Mayor Candace urgently requests your immediate presence at the Flynn household.

Linda: And so it begins. (Cut to Candace dialing her phone. Cut back to the limo.)

Lawrence: Oh, yes, I could certainly get used to this.

(phone rings)

Linda: Hello?

Candace: Hey, Mom!

Linda: Yes, Candace?

Candace: I was just checking to see your approximate arrival time at the Flynn household.

Linda: Candace, this isn't another rant about some imaginary thing your brothers are building, is it?

Candace: (unhinged) No, Mom! I'm not crazy! (laughs insanely) So what time?

Linda: We're just down the street. We should be home in a few minutes.

Candace: ''¡Perfecto! Adieu, maman. (hangs up)''

Linda: I wonder what will be waiting for me today. An invisible thing or a non-existent thing?

(The limo pulls up to the house)

Linda: (offscreen) I don't believe it! (rolls down window) What on Earth?!

Candace: It's happening! Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I give you... (pulls down curtain to the Rollercoaster fanfare as cheering is heard) what you've all been waiting for!

Reporter: Look! It's a perfect metaphor that we should return to simpler times and values!

Candace: That's not exactly what I meant.

Reporter: Ha! A perfect metaphor for how history teaches us about our future!

Candace: That's pretty good, but no.

Reporter: It's a metaphor for—

Candace: NOT EVERYTHING IS A METAPHOR!!!

Linda: Candace, what on Earth is going on here?

Candace: Mom, you know all those times I've tried to fill you in on the crazy stunts Phineas and Ferb have been up to?

Linda: Yes, Candace.

Candace: Well, this is one of those times!

Linda: (gasps) Phineas!! Ferb!! Get out here this second!

(Cut to the living room where the gang is playing a video game.)

Phineas: Hey, Mom's home!

(Cut back to the Big Bust.)

Linda: I'm sorry, Candace. Now I know all the crazy exploits you told me about were true.

(Cut back to the golf game.)

Roger: Amazing! The ninth hole already? Feels like we just started and we're halfway through.

Doofenshmirtz: (laughs) This is fun! There's just...one tiny, minor flaw to this machine. There's a good chance it could tear apart the very fabric of space-time, possibly even destroy the universe. But I mean, golf, jeesh! Totally worth it. (Perry runs off) Whadaya say we amp this up a little? (Perry whacks the inator with a golf club.) What, are you out of your mind?! (The scene reverses.) !?dnim ruoy fo tuo uoy era ,tahW

(Cut back to the Big Bust.)

Linda: That is it! You two are so...

Linda and Candace: bu—

(The inator hits the event.)

—ub :ecadnaC dna adniL

...os era owt uoY !ti si tahT :adniL

Montage: ''During the reversal, we see Phineas and the gang in the living room, Candace revealing the town, and the parents in the limo. At one point, a giant alien rips a hole in the universe, and Doof and Perry change into different outfits such as musketeers, cannibal and explorer, housewife and husband, and ancient Egyptians. The reversal finally stops where we came in at the beginning of the episode.''

(Scene opens up on the City Hall clock; it strikes 1:00)

Roger: And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pride that I announce the winner of this year's annual "Mayor For A Day" essay contest.

(Cut to Doof on the green.)

Doofenshmirtz: (groans) What is keeping Roger? He's so rude. It's a good thing I have my Accelerator— (Cut to reveal the Baby alien with his hammer near the inator.) Hey! What are you doing?! (The baby alien destroys the inator effecting the space-time continuum once more.)

(Cut back to Roger.)

Roger: Congratulations to our own local Old Coot!

Old Coot: (approaching the podium) New law: If ya find any gold, it's mine! (spits)

Everyone: Hooray for finding gold being a metaphor for...Oh, wait. I think we're supposed to take that literally.

Candace: Pssh! I was robbed!