The Iron Giant Lady / Raising a New Hope

[Opening Scene: Big Ben, prior to Margaret Thatcher's term as Prime Minister - a term that will go down in the history of Great Britain. Cut to the inside of the Clock Tower, with two politicans conversing with Miss Thatcher.]

Politican #1: Miss Thatcher, if you're going to be Prime Minister, you're going to have to maximize your appeal.

Politican #2: That hat has to go! And the pearls!

Politican #1: But the main thing is your voice. It's too...

[Cut to the outside, revealing that the two politicans were talking to a... giant robot version of Thatcher á lá Iron Giant, complete with wig and pearls, whom she promptly lets out a monstrous, earthshaking roar.]

Politican #1: ... loud.

[Title card: The Iron Giant Lady]

[Scene: The House of Commons, dominated by an all-male Tory Party. Everyone present in the House save Mecha Thatcher, out of either nostalgia or insanity, are wearing powdered wigs, currently in session about the questionable policies of Mecha Thatcher's party.]

Thatcher: [VO] On the road to becoming Prime Minister, I was faced with many obstacles.

House Speaker: Your party's policies are leading to high unemployment and a depressed economy. What do you have to say for yourself?

[Mecha Thatcher rips the whole roof off the House of Commons, leaving falling debris in the process, and replies with nothing but roaring monstrously. Of course, everyone present is unaffected at all.]

House Speaker: Methinks the right honorable giant robot doth roar too much!

[Everyone laughs mockingly, while Mecha Thatcher can do nothing but lower her head in shame.]

Thatcher: [VO] And so, I decided to undergo vocal training.

[Scene: A Therapy Room, with the Therapist and Mecha Thather attending vocal training - the latter barely fitting in such a small room.]

Therapist: Repeat after me: "Sally sells seashells by the seashore."

[Mecha Thatcher nudges her head a little to the left, grinding her jaw, then brings out a big rock and responds with:]

Mecha Thatcher: ROCK. (She drops the rock with a thud)

Therapist: Eh, let's just start at the beginning. Just say... "Sally."

[Mecha Thatcher, after a small pause, brings out a tree and responds with:]

Mecha Thatcher: TREE. (She drops the tree.)

Therapist: Where are you getting those?

[Pan to the answer: a hole busted through the wall, courtesy of Mecha Thatcher.]

Mecha Thatcher: (Points) HOLE.

Therapist: That's going on your bill.

Mecha Thatcher: FREE OF CHARGE?

Therapist: Sure. That you know.

[Back to the House of Commons, in session once again.]

Thatcher: [VO] Now that I had mastered speaking, things quickly changed at the House of Commons.

House Speaker: And that's why we'll be showing your Party the door in the next election! What do you have to say to that, Mecha Thatcher?

[A tense pause. Mecha Thatcher has to speak up, for her future as Prime Minister depended on this debate. And she has only one shot at this, so she must make it count...]

Mecha Thatcher: [Clears throat. Shows a rock] ROCK.

[Immediately, she is rewarded with laughter from the Tory Party... only to be silenced by the Iron Giant Lady dropping the rock on the Speaker, crushing him.]

Mecha Thatcher: ROCK?

[A short pause later, convinced, the Tory Party chants "Rock!" over and over again, while Mecha Thatcher looks on... the scene fades to outdoors, with Mecha Thatcher, on a stand promoting "Mecha Thatcher For Prime Minister", wawing to the people cheering for her and holding signs involving "Rock".]

Thatcher: [VO] From there, my rise to Prime Minister was as meteoric as my blaze across the sky.

[Mecha Thatcher, engaging her boot jets, literally blazes into the sky.]

Thatcher: [VO] I squashed the national debt...

[Central Bank. A victim of the Iron Giant Lady's first order of business, as Mecha Thatcher literally squashes the Bank under her metal foot, leaving naught but rubble.]

Thatcher: [VO] ... I made an impact on education...

[Snobon Academy for Boys and Girls. Mecha Thatcher makes her impact on education known by impact of her heat vision, reducing the Academy into a flaming husk of its former self. The schoolkids rejoice.]

Schoolkids: YAAAAY!

Thatcher: [VO] ... and I returned England to the rock standard.

[If Tyranny where to be pictured, it would be the picture of British citizens lugging around heavy rocks, while a citizen attempts to use the pay phone with nothing but small rocks, and a bicycle rider hauling a big rock. Of course, there's a bright side to everything. Cut to the Bank, where a robbery is in progress, albeit miserably, as two crooks are slowly tugging out a big rock. Just then, they notice two coppers on the scene, nightsticks in hand.]

Crook #1: Cheese it! Here come... the cops...!

Crook #2: I'm... trying...!

[The crooks weren't cheesing it fast enough, no thanks to the rock, to escape a good bonking in the head by the boys in blue.]

Thatcher: [VO] But my greatest accomplishment was paving the way for female robots to take positions of leadership around the globe.

[As she makes the speech, the following montage occurs: EVE, holding her shovel as Greenspace spokesfemme, stands proudly next to a young sprout while WALL-E, wearing a grey peace sign T-shirt, looks at her in amazement. Bunnie Rabbot, half bunny woman, half fighting machine, lands a brutal steel foot kick at the Texas Ranger himself at the Chuck Norris Invitational, while three white belters observe the action. Finally, Jenny, the Teenage Robot formerly known as, impersonally, XJ-9, is crowned by Tuck as Homecoming Queen, in attendance of a jubilant cast. Fade in to the Robot Grammys Ceremony, already in progress, hosted by none other than Mecha Thatcher, speaking like the real Thatcher... which only means she's one and the same.]

Mecha Thatcher: And that's my story. But I digress. [Drumroll] And now, the nominees for the Robot Grammys are:

[The robotic audience, crowded with every single known robot in history, from latest to greatest, prepare to clap.]

Mecha Thatcher: Robot Adele, [Cue picture of a robotic Adele] Mecha Adele, [Cue picture of a more mechanized Adele], Adele 2.0, [Cue picture of a human Adele... from the inside] and the five Adeles that form Voltron Adele. [Cue five pictures of five anime-style Mecha Adeles, each with different colors (Red, Blue, Green, Yellow, Gray)]

[C-3PO hands Mecha Thatcher an envelope that will determine the winner, which she promply opens and reads.]

Mecha Thatcher: And the winner is... (raises head in announcement, thrashing the catwalk in the process) Voltron Adele!

[The audience cheers. The spotlight shines on the five Voltron Adele units, who look at each other at surprise of their victory in the Robot Grammys. The day they worked for was upon them. This was their chance to shine... and with a flash of electricity, they take to the skies and combine parts to form Voltron Adele. Finishing with a flash of lightning, the oversized mechanization of Adele now takes the stage. The scene darkens, save for a spotlight shined on Voltron Adele's head. She closes her eyes, tilts her head back and opens her mouth, the audience expecting song... but getting nothing but that annoying-as-all-hecks dial-up sound. Embarrassing, ain't it?]

[End Segment]

(Start at Tatooine)

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Owen Lars, you must raise Luke Skywalker and protect him from the Emperor. In time, he will be the Jedi's new and only hope, for the Force is strong with this one.

BHHT!

Owen Lars: Whoo-wee! That's not the only thing that's strong with him! I made his poop.

Aunt Beru: Owen, what are you doing out there talking about crazy old fart?

Beru's Father: Yeah, boy! You've got moisture farming to do!

Owen: Mom? Dad? You won't believe it! (Start flashback) My stepbrother Anakin went crazy, got rid of all the Jedi, turned into a robot, (Stop flashback) and now I have his baby!

Aunt Beru: But you don't know nothing about raising no baby.

Owen: Psst. How hard can it be? (Baby Luke takes off on the Landspeeder, that little devil...) Hey, get back here!

(Title card: Raising a New Hope)

Baby Luke: WAAAAAAAH!

Owen: Luke, stop crying! Ugh, can't wait 'til you grow older and stop being so whiny.

Aund Beru: Don't count on it. Sounds like this one'll be whiny for life. You're better off shooting him off in an escape pod.

Owen: But I promised I'd protect him from the Emperor!

Aunt Beru: Who?

Owen: You know, that creepy old guy with the wrinkled face and the crazy eyes.

(Grandma enters, Beru and Owen scream)

Aunt Beru: Oh, wait, that's just Mama.

Grandma: A baby? You need that like Jabba needs another fat roll. Can you say Mama?

Baby Luke: Jar-jar.

Grandma: Eh, close enough.