Another Night with Neil Diamond

1 Previously, on H-Hello? Hey, Dad. Uh, this is my girlfriend, Tammy. Uh, Tammy, this is my dad Alan. It's a pleasure to meet you. How'd you two meet? A couple of us guys from the base went out drinking, and they bet me a hundred bucks that I wouldn't get this tattoo of two arms coming out of my butt crack. Oh, Jake, you didn't. No, Tammy wouldn't let me. Thank you for that. I took one look at his ass and I thought, I don't want to tattoo that, I want to bite that. She's old enough to have you as her kid. So what? You are, too. I-I don't understand why you're with Jake. The bottom line is, I think your son is terrific. And I know what we have isn't gonna last forever, but it's what I want in my life right now. And I don't know when the last time you had sex with a 19-year-old boy was, but it is a lot of fun. What a nice surprise to have you home for the weekend. Well, it's good to be home. Okay. I hate to be the one to break up this happy reunion, but you both do realize this is not your home. He's cute. He really is, though. So, uh, so what's going on? Anything new in the Army? Oh, did I tell you I got promoted? I'm in charge of three other guys in the kitchen now. Wow! My son the leader. Yeah, it's awesome. They have to do whatever I say. I made this one guy chug a tray of hot dog water. Uh, why would you do that? It's called earning respect, Dad. I-I don't understand. Which part? Earning or respect? Bazinga. Uh, it's from a TV show. So, uh, how are things with you and Tammy? Actually, we broke up. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. What happened? We just decided it wasn't gonna work out. We had unrecognizable differences. Uh, u-unrecognizable differences? Yeah, you know, when you can't see what the problem is, but you just have to break up anyway. Somehow that actually makes sense. So, are you doing okay? I know breakups can be hard. Yeah, it actually helps to focus on my career. Get this-- one time I made the guys stick their things in pudding. They must respect you so much. Tammy. Where the hell is he?! I assume that you're talking Jake! Uh-oh, uh-oh. Get back here, you son of a bitch! I am gonna kill you! I sense that he didn't tell us everything. Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ Ooh Men, men, men, manly men ♪ Ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ Ooh Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ Ah. Men. Original Air Date on April 4, 2013 Let let go of me! Am I hurting you? No. How about now? Ow, ow, ow. Wait, what-what the hell is going on? Tell them. Um, I broke up with Tammy to see another girl. Oh, well, you know, sometimes relationships run their course Tell them who it was. I don't think they really Tell them! Ow! It was her daughter. Wait, wait, y-you slept with your girlfriend's daughter? Jerry Springer is taped before a live studio audience. I trusted you to be a good influence on Ashley. You know, it was your idea for us to spend time together. You were supposed to be tutoring her in math! What were you thinking? Jake tutoring math? What were you thinking? I figured you were gonna find another girl someday. I just didn't think it would be the one that came from my uterus. I'm sorry, it just sort of happened. Ow! Sorry, it just sort of happened. Jake, did you even once consider that there were other people involved? Yeah, of course. I mean, that's what made it so hot. Her mom was in the other room. That's it, I'm killing him! Dad! Dad! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Okay, walk me through this. Start from the beginning. Well, by all accounts, I was a happy baby. Fast-forward. You and Tammy's daughter. How? All right. Imagine Tammy at 18, in a string bikini, crying on your shoulder, saying, "Why can't all guys be like you?" Walden? Oh, sorry, I was still imagining. It was the perfect storm. Ashley, had just broken up with her boyfriend and Tammy was asleep. I'm the victim here. Okay, I On one hand, your behavior is despicable. On the other, the elusive mother-daughter combo. Up top. But last time you were here, you were saying that Tammy was the love of your life and you wanted to marry her. What can I say? I was young and naive back then. That was six weeks ago. I never meant to hurt Tammy. I care about them both. Hey, do you think there would ever be a chance I could get them both together You're adorable. What the hell is wrong with your son? That is a question for the ages. Kind of like, "If there really is a God, why is there so much sorrow in the world?" or, "How have I managed to keep living in this house all these years?" You know, I'm tempted to sleep with you just to get back at him. Oh, well, I'm, uh, I'm, uh, I'm flattered, but I actually I was just kidding. How could he do this to me? Well, you said yourself, you knew this thing with Jake wasn't gonna last. Yeah, but there are plenty of other little skanks in our town. Why did he have to pick my little skank? I wish there was something that would make you feel better. Uh, what if Jake apologized? What if I cut his balls off? So, we've got options. All right, you two, now-now, let's, uh, let's think of the couch as a safe place for communication. Uh, uh, neutral corner, neutral corner. Now, and-and this, uh, this pillow represents the wall of respect. Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna place it between the two of you. Okay? Now, uh, Tammy, would you like to start? Hey! Hey! She hit me with the wall of respect. And you slept with my daughter. So we'll call it even? Hey! What's going on? Oh, well, it's complicated. Uh, remember Jake's girlfriend Tammy? Yeah. She has an 18-year-old daughter And Jake nailed her. Okay, not that complicated. Uh, Jake, do you want to say something? All right. Uh, I'm sorry for cheating on you with your daughter. But, I mean, when you think about it, it's really a compliment. 'Cause she's just a much younger version of you. I'll get that. I'll get that. I didn't know Jake had it in him. Apparently, he's had it in everybody. Ashley? Baby! Get your mouth off my daughter you cheating son of a bitch! Oh, that would make a great country song. Ashley, what are you doing here? Mom, I know you're upset and that's why I came, but Hey, is that my shirt? Hey, is that my boyfriend? Oh, please! Like you haven't stolen boyfriends from me before. He was your teacher! Yeah, and thanks to you, I failed biology. No, biology failed me! This makes me so homesick. Come on, Mom. No, Ashley, I am not gonna let you throw your life away for this loser. Hey, hey, that loser is my son. And your ex-boyfriend. Yeah, I was just having fun. Ashley needs to think about her future. Hey he has a very bright You know what, this is family business. You are not the boss of me. If I want to date a loser, then I will. Thank you. I can actually feel my IQ dropping. Are you Jake's father? Yeah. Oh! You don't have to pay me for today. Men. ♪ What the hell? Why did you hit me? Because I can't hit a kid. And your son's messing with my Ashley. You're Ashley's dad? Ew! No! Ew! No! I'm her boyfriend. Ew. No. Ew. No. He's my ex-boyfriend. I'm with Jake now. Oh, come on, I take craps bigger than him. Takes me an hour and a half, but I do it. What are you doing here, Jerry? Whoa, Jerry? From Jerry's Cadillac in Tustin? That's right, son. No credit, no problem. Really? "Want a Caddy, I'm your Daddy. " I want a daddy. I want you back, Ashley. Whatever. Too little, too late, Jer-Bear. Yeah, Jer-Bear. You know, it's like that old song: "If you liked it, then you should've put a ring on it. " Well, I bought you a belly ring. Oh, that was you? I chipped my tooth on that thing. Uh, just out of curiosity, how did you meet Hannah Montana here? It's actually a cute story. We were shooting a commercial for our Fourth of July Savings Spectacular. I was dressed as Uncle Sam, with a row of pretty girls behind me wearing bikinis and waving sparklers. I took one look at Ashley, pointed at her and said, "Uncle Sam wants you. " That is a cute story. Fireworks went off in my pants that night. Okay, not so cute anymore. I mean, how can you not love a girl like this? She's smart, she's funny, and she's got a better body than the new SRX Crossover. Don't you, darling? Don't "darling" me. You had your chance and you blew it. Oh, come on, Ashley. I've been married four times. And you know why they didn't work. I got a mistress, and her name is Customer Satisfaction. All right. Look, Jerry, if my little girl doesn't want to see you, then you got to go. Thanks, Mom. Shut up. Okay. It takes two to make a deal. But know this, Ashley: I guarantee I will always love you. Just like I guarantee no one can beat my prices. If you need a set of wheels, Jerry's making super deals ♪ At Jerry's Cadillac. ♪ Oh, come on. It's catchy. God, I've failed as a parent. No. Yeah. Maybe. My beautiful young daughter has narrowed her choices down to a 19-year-old who needs to ask the Wizard for a brain and a sleazy car salesman who barely escaped a Dateline special. O-Okay, so it's not an ideal situation, but what is? Sometimes kids make mistakes. Yeah, sometimes kids are mistakes. Well, look, when I was a kid, I made a lot of choices my parents didn't agree with. Like dropping out of M. I. T., and that turned out great. Somehow I don't think Ashley's on the road to incredible wealth. She's more on the road to antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea. Wow. That's just Wow. When is it gonna stop? When's what gonna stop? The taking. I mean, that's all kids ever do. I mean, first they take over your body like a little parasite. And then they trash your fun zone on the way out. Then they suck your boobs until your nipples look like the worn-out thumb on a work glove. You do paint a picture with your words. And then it gets really bad. They take your sleep, your time, your favorite dress, keys to your car, the weed you had hidden in a cowboy boot in the back of your closet. Leave it up to my daughter to go the extra mile and take my boyfriend. And you know why you keep giving? Because I'm a glutton for punishment? Because you love her, and you want what's best for her. I suppose. Okay, let me ask you this: were you happy with Jake? I mean, you know, before he started climbing the family tree. Honestly, Jake's a great guy. So isn't it possible that he may also be a great guy for your daughter? No. Yes. Maybe. Really? The thumb on a work glove? Oh, honey, that was two boob jobs ago. These puppies can cut glass now. Sorry Jerry hit you, Dad. So am I. Yeah, what was that about? I mean, he won't hit a kid, but he'll hit somebody way older than him? What? I said, "He won't hit a kid, but he'll hit someone way older than him!" Hey. I have something I want to say to you two. Don't care. I swear to God, Ashley, I paid to get those teeth straight, I will crooked 'em up again! Up-bup-bup-bup. Eye on the ball, Tammy. Eye on the ball. If you two want to be with each other, I am not gonna stand in your way. Really? If you think you can be happy together, then be happy together. Wow. Thank you, Tammy. I guess I just hope Ashley and I can be as happy as you and I were. Stop talking. But I already am happy, Jake-Bear. Give me some sugar. This is the oddest family moment I have ever witnessed. Maybe I should grease up a pig in case they want to wrestle later. Jerry. I feel bad about before, so I brought you an official Jerry's Cadillac beer koozie. I told you, it's over. You did. But I'm driving home in my limited edition Escalade when it hits me. If I've learned one thing in my 25 years as Orange County's number one dealer of premium luxury vehicles, it's that you don't take no for an answer. God, this guy's good. So I came back here to ask you just one question. What's it gonna take to get you into my life today? Oh, my God, look at the size of that rock. Dude, you can't buy her love with a diamond ring. But wait, there's more. My manager's gonna kill me, but if you say yes right now I will throw in a 2012 powder blue Mercedes SL I just bought at a police auction. I don't know what to do. Take the car! Dad! It's a Mercedes. We got a deal, Ashley? Sold! Aw Ew! I love these people. Men. ♪ Jake? Doing okay? I guess. I really screwed things up this time, didn't I? Well you certainly screwed everything you could. I mean, I had such a good thing going-- first with Tammy and then Ashley--- and now I'm all alone. That's because you're a Harper. It's what we do. We take something good and turn it into nothing. I don't like being a Harper. Nobody does, son. Nobody does. What a day, huh? Yeah. Sorry about all the trouble. Oh. You kidding me? Jerry sold me an Escalade at dealer cost. Oh, honey, you didn't fall for that, did you? He really is the king, isn't he? And my daughter gets to be the queen. It's a white trash fairy tale. Hey. Let's talk about something happier. Remember when Alan got punched in the face? Yeah. That was awesome. Mmm. You know, the older I get, the less I understand about relationships. Me, too. I'm like a blind man trying to get out of a doorknob factory. I mean, how is that possible? I mean, you're handsome and smart and charming You're embarrassing me. Go on. I mean, you got the whole package. Well, you do, too. I mean, you're beautiful, you're independent, you're intelligent Oh, stop. Well, don't actually stop. You're funny. You're really, really beautiful. Okay, that probably wasn't a good idea. Definitely not. Berta's gonna love this.