Fonzie Scheme

1 Growing up in the '80s, some of my best memories were with my big sister, Erica. She was always there for me and entertained even my silliest of ideas. My big brother, on the other hand, was most entertained by smacking me around like a rag doll. Barry, put me down! - Nope. - Don't jostle him too much. I am not paying to have the carpet shampooed again. Mom, help! Like most brothers, when we got together, we didn't always make the brightest of decisions. What are you two dopes doing? Deciding which college we should go to. We taped 18 hours' worth of "USA Up All Night" movies and carefully studied them all. Got to tell you, it's a tough choice. It's between "Screwball Academy" Which is ranked first in coed pillow fighting. Or the unnamed school from "Sorority House Party," which has a great wet T-shirt program. None of it's real! "Bikini Ski School" isn't real. You sound like the stuffy dean who lost the mountain in a ski race. Oddly enough, it seemed like the older we got, the stupider the ideas became. - Whatcha doing? - Dude, look how awesome - I am at this balloon. - Eh, I've seen better. Better?! Let's see you handle the heat! Ha! I'm so much better at the balloon than you. Fine! First one to let it hit the ground gets their nurples purpled. Game on, loser. I'm coming at you with everything I've got. 955. 956. I love how close they are. Don't encourage these morons. You're aggravating me. Stop it. Stop hitting the balloon! Murray, let me put some salad on your plate. This is the worst dinner of my life. Oh! Still in play! Please give up. I can't feel my arms. Just let it hit the ground. You let it hit the ground. I have a Spanish test in the morning I'm gonna fail 'cause of you. Someone let it hit the ground and end this ferkokte game already. We're too far in, Pops. - There's no going back. - He's right. We're in too deep! It's just a balloon. Not anymore! This is our life now. You'll all come to accept it in due time. Okay, enough of this stupidity! Fortunately, for every dumb idea my brother roped me into, there was always my sister to bail me out. There. It's over. It's a tie. Go back to your meaningless lives. I'm free! Thank you for saving us from ourselves. Let go. - You let go first. - Never. - (Both grunting) - Is this another game? I don't understand a thing you two do. I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was April 26, 1980-something, the day my dad was honored as one of Jenkintown's top businessmen. His speech was one that said little while meaning even less. I can't remember that customer's name. Um Well No. Point being is, that's why you always sell end tables separately. Well, thank you so much for the award and for lunch. It was Yeah. (Laughs) All right, let's go. I want to beat traffic. Oh. That was such a great speech, Mur. I am so proud of you. Tell him how proud you are, kids. Good stuff. You really did it. Your job kind of sucks. Ooh! Look! They're hanging your plaque, Mur. I'm literally kvelling out of every pore of my body. Look at all the amazing people you're with. Yeah, I didn't know Martin from Martin's Aquarium did all this stuff. He plays jazz, sailed around the world. Yeah, and that guy from Vantresca's Tuxedo climbs mountains and volunteers at the zoo. Here it is, Mur Behold! "Hobbies: Watching The Weather Channel and 'getting comfortable. '" Hmm. He nailed it. This is all you wrote, Murray? What? I only had a month to think of stuff. Well, I'd say that's a very accurate description - of his lifestyle. - Not at all! Your father has many wonderful interests and hobbies. - I do? - He does? Of course. I mean Well, for starters, there's I got one. He loves to call us morons. I thought of that, but that's not a hobby per se. - Stop it. - He likes replacing batteries. - And checking the mail. - Okay, you're not helping. Oh, and turning the lights off. And screaming at us for not turning the lights off. Always being annoyed is not a hobby. He also screams when we slide around in socks. Hey, stitches aren't free. Murray, the whole town is gonna see this, and they're gonna think the businessman of the year is a lazy lump. I'd say more of a lovable loaf. You used to ride bikes and go to museums and see plays. What happened to the man I married? Dad rode a bike? Ha! That must have looked nuts. That's like Charles Barkley jockeying a horse. I can't even imagine that. Just go wait outside. And so to cover for my dad's laziness, my mom spent the day covering his award - from the whole town. - (Coughs) Move along. Don't want anyone to get my cold. Okay, Mom's not gonna let anyone see that plaque, so we're stuck here until it closes down for the night. Damn it! This day could not get any worse. (Tires screech) Hey, kid, take my clubs up front and return this cart for me. Oh, balls! He thinks you work here. Told you something special happens every time I dress up. Whatever you're thinking, no. But a random guy just told us to tear around the golf course and jump stuff. He didn't say that at all. What do you think? Should I go? Tell me to go, and I'll so go. Know what? I'm done looking out for you guys. What's that supposed to mean? It means next year, I'm going to college far, far away from you jamokes. Consider this a trial run. Your stupidity's in your own hands. But that's a lot of pressure. (Horn honking) Adam, it has a horn! A cute little horn! Oh, boy, here I go! Thank you for whatever you said. Let me honk the horn. (Horn honks) (Laughs) Dare, dare to believe you can survive Whoo! I love being a badass! I'm like Smokey and the Bandit! Whoo! Aah! Fore! Whoo! Whoo! (Laughs) That day, fate was on our side. Best day ever! Turns out, a little construction on the golf course created the perfect ramp. Lucky for you, it's about to get a lot better! Dare, dare to believe you can Well, you were right. I could not jump it. We need Erica! Go get Erica! Dude! You heard her. She's done dealing with our awesome hijinks! I think this is less hijinks and more of a felony. We should run. While Barry and I ran from the law, my dad was ready to break out of his old habits. I've given this a lot of thought. I don't want you to think of me as a lump. So if it'll make you happy, I'll do a hobby. Oh, Murray, that's such great news 'cause I already got you a hobby coach. What? Well, I laid on the guilt pretty thick. I knew you'd cave. Dad, it's time! Do not parade your dad out here. - Don't do that. - Hey, hey. Who's ready to fill his hobby hole? Okay, I don't have a hole. And if I did have a hole, I wouldn't want to fill it with a hobby. Sure, you would. Take it away, Dad. Okay, let's get the hobby ball rolling with the greatest hobby of them all Music. (Banjo playing) Won't you come home, Bill Bailey? Won't you come home? You got to bang the bongos, Mur. I don't want to bang the bongos! Just bang the bongos. I'm not banging the bongos! Just give the bongos a little bang. If you want the bongos banged so bad, you bang the bongos! How can I bang the bongos if I'm playing "Bill Bailey" on the banjo? Murray, stop bickering and bang the bongos! Aah! Won't you come home, Bill Bailey? Hey, you got to bang to the beat, Mur. You're not banging to the beat. I'm trying the best I can! This stinks. Maybe your hobby's being an [bleep]. What did you say? Remember that rainy evening? I sent you out Okay, enough music. Clearly, this is something I've got to get involved with. No, you don't! This brings me joy! Look, it's my hobby now. Come on, we'll find a fun hobby that you and I can do together, like, uh, scrapbooking. - Huh? - Jazzercise? - Right. - Power walking? "Power walking"?! - Couponing? - Coupo What the hell's - Well, what's that? - It's a way to save money. Oh. All right, I'll do that one. Really? I mean, there's so many better things we could do where we'd be outside, getting fresh air No, I want to do the one where we save money. Fine, I guess it's couponing. (Laughs) Yay, my husband has a hobby. I think I just got too ambitious with the bongos. Would you be open to clapping? Al! I don't want to make any more sounds! As my dad decided his new hobby was saving money, Barry was coming up with a plan to save our butts. There it is, gentlemen, the answer to all our problems. Uh, how, exactly? Easy We steal Cecil the janitor's golf cart and replace the one we sunk. It's the perfect crime. But then Cecil has no cart. Way ahead of you. We then steal another golf cart from a different country club to replace Cecil's. But then wouldn't the second golf course be missing their cart? Which is why we steal and replace golf carts several times a day for the rest of our natural lives. Isn't that a Ponzi scheme, bro? Fonzie has nothing to do with this, Matthew. He drives a motorcycle. Not a Fonzie scheme, dude, Ponzi. And that's exactly what this is. Not at all. All we got to do is swipe hundreds, if not thousands, of golf carts to keep our scam alive until we grow old and our children take our place! You really need to go to your sister about this. On my way. (Music Playing) Erica, I need your help! Bup, bup! We discussed this! My days of looking after you are done. You're a man now, right? Thing is, in this case, I feel more like a scared little boy who needs his big sister. God, no! Just pretend it's next year and I'm at college What do you do then? Call you on a special red phone so you can rush home and fix my dumb mistakes? Look at me. There is no red phone. I am far away, living an awesome life without you. What about the house mother in your sorority? Can she give you the message between bikini tickle-fights? You really need to stop watching "USA Up All Night" boobie movies. So (Sighs) you're not gonna talk to me when you're at college? No, but you'll see me at Thanksgiving and when I run out of money. I'm, like, reeling right now. You gave me no warning! I've been talking about going to college for the last four years! But it had no resonance till this very moment! - I'm okay with that. - Please consider forgoing college and staying with me. That's so cute. - No. - Then you leave me no choice. From this moment forth, you are not the Erica I need and depend on. Barry shall be my Erica! Here's a crazy idea. Why not make Adam the Erica and just figure it out yourself? Never! Barry will shepherd and guide me through life like a bright North Star, and from now on, I'm putting all my trust and faith in Barry A. K. A. new Erica. Great news! I stole Cecil's cart to replace the one we sunk. Our life of crime begins now! (Sighs) Well, I guess that's my cue. Guess so. (Exhales sharply) Our Fonzie/Ponzi scheme was in motion. Surprisingly, Barry's complex plan was coming together without a hitch. Okay, we're just gonna abandon this thing by the clubhouse, and they'll never know the difference. Wow. This plan actually can work. I'm so glad you're my new Erica. - Your what? - I'm just saying, with her ditching me, you're now entirely responsible for my future and safety. Noice. Now, let's floor this bad boy and jump that hill again. Uh, not to second-guess you, New Erica, but we've already tried this, and it went real bad for us. But the new cart is so much sleeker, Adam. It has a janitor broom on the back that acts as a wing to lift us to the heavens. There's no way you believe that's real, right? Trust your New Erica. Time to taste the sky! Dare, dare to believe you can survive What happened? Why aren't we triumphantly soaring through the air like falcons? Thank God. We bottomed out. Let's just leave the cart and go home. (Sighs) Don't worry! Big Tasty's got this. We just got to jump on the back until it seesaws out of here. One! Two! Oh, no! And like most Fonzie schemes, this one collapsed lightning fast. - I'm good. - Oh, God. - I'm good. - You just got - run over by a golf cart! - I'm good! Why do you keep saying you're good? There's no way you're good. I'll go get Erica. No! I'm the Erica now. Listen to me closely. Go get Erica. There's a golf cart on me. But you said you were good! Go get her! (Telephone rings) Yello? You have a collect call from We're at the golf course. Barry's pinned under a cart. We need you! Do you accept the charges? Mm Nope. As promised, Erica had abandoned us. Meanwhile, my dad was embracing his new couponing hobby. Of course, he'd need intensive training from the master of all bargain hunters. (Sighs) Murray, this is a big moment. I have never given my coupon pouch to another human person. I don't need it. Look right here Packaged pastrami, with this circular, two for one. And where'd you get that? - They were at the front of the store. - Yeah, because the store circular is a sucker's play. My babies do not eat pastrami wrapped in deadly plastic. Even better, they're practically giving away canned meats. Once my dad felt the rush of saving money, the student quickly began to surpass the master. Whoo-hoo, I got myself a hobby! But you're picking all the wrong stuff. The point of couponing is to find savings on things you actually want. And I want to save money. Look at this. They got canned bananas. You buy 5, you get 10 free! Bananas don't need cans. They're wrapped by God! As my mom lost my dad to his new hobby, Erica found her new boyfriend had planned quite the surprise. Geoff, what's all this? As you know, I wanted to do something really special for our first official date. Yeah, we're going to Red Lobster. Thing is, I didn't realize we're smack in the middle of Crabfest, - so they're booked solid. - Damn it. It's April already? Seems like just yesterday, it was Clamuary. I know how much you had your heart set on fancy seafood, so I scored some fresh lobster for us to cook here. Oh, it'll be just like "Annie Hall"! So cute and fun and What the hell are those? They're lake lobsters Same tender meat with half the salt. There's only two. They're bite-sized. Yeah, they looked bigger in the bed of that pickup truck - I bought them from. - It's fine. I had a big lunch. Just cook 'em up. Um, I was kind of thinking maybe you could touch them, because looking at them makes my skin crawl. Ew, gross! You're the boyfriend. Just grab 'em and - Oh, no, one of them is missing. - Aah! It must've scurried off! He knew what we were planning! Really not what I had in mind for our first date! (Telephone rings) Hello? You have a collect call from We need you! Do you accept the charges? We discussed this, Adam. You're on your own. - What was that about? - Eh, Barry's pinned under a car or something. Back to our date. I think you should go help them. No! We had a decade of terrible timing. I will not have our first date ruined by my idiot brothers. Now, let's eat these beach termites and make some memories. Aah, it's on you! Its pincers are clamped on! - What? - Aah! Geoff, get it off! Get it off! Geoff! Aah, it's clamped on so good! - Get it - Aah! Aah! Ow, get it off! Yes, Erica's romantic evening with Geoff was off the rails, and so was my dad's coupon clipping. What the hell's all this? You're looking at our retirement. All right, no more couponing for you. I want my pouch. Give me my pouch. It wasn't big enough. We have a savings satchel now. There is no such thing as a savings satchel. Tell the ladies at the Pick N' Save. All they could do was look at my satchel. You went to the Pick N' Save in Trenton? Have you lost your mind? What are you so angry about? I'm finally into a hobby. I thought you'd be happy. Happy? This can says "meat. " There are no other descriptive words. Meat! What more do you need to know? - Meat. - That's enough. I'm going to my backup pouch. Whoa, whoa, hang on. - What's in your purse? - Nothing. Is that quilted three-ply premium toilet paper? Actually it's four-ply. Four-ply? That's three plys topo many! No one uses one-ply, Murray. No one. A person needs at least two plys. What is this, "Falcon Crest"? I've been a couponer long enough to know that you paid full price for this. I regret nothing. Your coarse single-ply is sandpapering our tushies. Poor Adam can barely walk. Single-ply builds character. Let's just go back to the way things were, okay? Back to you watching TV and being comfortable. I thought you were embarrassed by your dumb lump of a husband who doesn't go to plays and doesn't go to museums and doesn't ride a bike like some European. Well, I didn't mean it like that. Yes, you did! You blocked that plaque with your body and you called me names and you hurt my feelings. Since when do your feelings ever get hurt? Since now. All I was trying to do was remind you of the man you married. Guess I'm terrible at that, too. It had been an hour since Barry got pinned under a golf cart, and, well, he was still trapped. Aah, I'm wedged even worse! In classic Barry fashion, each new plan was shoddier than the last. Okay. Here's the plan. I need you to dig down and use a sudden burst of super strength to pull this cart off me. What I don't have super strength! Come on, it's like when a mom pulls a car off her kid! I can do this! Save baby Barry. I'm a mama, and you're my scrumptious little boopie! Yah! - Oh, no. - It's working? How do you get "It's working" from "Oh, no"? I split my pants. Ha! Get over here and show me your butt so I can call you a lame nerd. No time. I got to fix this. Come on, think. What would Erica do? Think. What would Erica do? Lucky for me, Erica was always there when I needed her most. Erica would say, "Move aside," 'cause she's gonna take care of it. Who's saying that? Is that Erica? Why are you here? I thought you got into college and were done helping. True, but then I figured, I probably shouldn't let Barry get crushed under a golf cart. Answer me! Is that Erica talking? It was Erica, all right. (Whistles) And she wasn't alone. If there was one thing our sister was good at, it was knowing how to bail her little brothers out of trouble. Answer me. Is it Erica? And that day, she knew the answer would be to bring in the reinforcements. JTP, do your thing. You know it. Let's do this! (JTP grunting) I knew it! I'm unbreakable! JTP. JTP! (Cheering) Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't celebrate yet. Andy, Matt, Naked Rob, go to the lake and pull out the old cart. Roger that. Copy. Let's move. Barry, return Cecil's cart to school before he gets fired. - That seems fair! - Geoff, go to Red Lobster and book a booth by the window. Yes, my love! What about me? You're good just being my annoying little brother. Thanks. You know, I'm really gonna miss you next year. Me, too. Really? Yeah. No matter where I end up, I'll always be your sister. (Nena's "99 Luftballons" playing) (Tires screech) Don't worry! I'll just jump on the back. Let me be the Erica anhandle it! In the end, my sister realized the best thing she could do was cherish the time she had left with us. And my mom, she realized she had to cherish my dad for who he was. Hey, can we talk? About what? I'm doing what you asked me to do. I'm sitting in my chair. Murray, the last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt your feelings. Well, you were right. Look at me. I'm not the same man you married. No. You're better. (Music Playing) Look at me. I got hobbies. "Checking the thermostat, closing the windows, making sure the gas tank is full. " And, of course, being a dad, being my husband. Those aren't hobbies. Well, they're the only ones that matter to me. And so my dad went back to the hobbies he did best, like checking the thermostat Which one of you morons cranked the heat up to 55? Making sure the gas tank was full Look at the gas gauge! Look at it! Napping in his chair (Snores) And yelling at us for sliding around in our socks. Knock it off, you moron! That's the thing about family. It means you're always there to bail them out of trouble. Aah! But it also means that sometimes You guys are balloon ball amateurs. You got to jump in and join the fun. And sure, life will hand you ups, downs, hits, misses, and unexpected dives, but the one thing that's for sure When you're with family, there's bound to be plenty of surprises. Murray? Oh, my God! Dad on a bike. What do you know? Come on, slowpoke. 'Cause in the end, life's better when you have your loved ones around for the ride. - (Music Playing) - I got it, I got it! Oh (Ding!) I'm good, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. (Laughter) I'm good, I'm good! I'm good. I'm good. Remember that rainy evening? I sent you out With nothing but a fine-tooth comb Oh, lo-lo-lo-lo Know I'm to blame Ain't it a shame? Bill Bailey, won't you please come? Bailey, won't you please come? Bailey, won't you please come on home? (Snoring)