The Boy Who Cried Rat

{Theme plays}

{Open to a shot of Ren crouched down, sweating and shaking, while Stimpy stands on his head and back}

Ren: Hurry up, Stimpy. I can't do this all day!

''{Ren is boosting Stimpy up so he can dig through a dumpster. Stimpy rummages through the trash and smiles when something catches his attention}''

Stimpy: I think I see something! {Ren shakes even more as Stimpy stands with both feet on his head} I got something, Ren! I got something!

''{Stimpy leaps down, accidentally crushing Ren's back with his foot in the process. The two of them eagerly sit around a trash can lid with napkins tied around their necks}''

Ren: I'm so hungry, I can't stand it! {He rubs his hands together} What are we having?

Stimpy: {wiggles his eyes knowingly and raises the lid} Ta-dah!

{Ren holds up an empty tin can in awe}

Ren: A can! {He looks at Stimpy suspiciously} Wait a minute. What are you having?

Stimpy: The usual. {He holds up a smelly sock on a fork} I'm having a sock.

Ren: {touched} You're giving me the can? Are you sure?

Stimpy: Go ahead. It's yours.

Ren: {patting Stimpy's shoulder} You're one of the good ones, man.

George Liquor: {offscreen} Hey! Whose trash is that?!

{Ren and Stimpy look alarmed and start running in place}

Ren: Stimpy! Move your butt! It's a higher mammal!

''{They quickly run off, leaving a cloud of dust behind. The man appears and shouts after them while brandishing a golf club in his fist}''

George Liquor: Keep outta my trash! I'm tellin' ya for the last time! {He turns and faces the audience} A man works HARD for his filth just to have vagrants come and steal it. {He sniffs sadly} It's a cryin' shame.

{George Liquor sniffs again and his lip quivers. The scene fades to a shot of Ren and Stimpy sitting on the sidewalk in a neighborhood, looking dejected}

Ren: Man, I'm starving. What are we gonna do?

Stimpy: We... could find some work.

{Ren, surprised by the suggestion, grabs Stimpy and yells in his ear with enough force for Stimpy's brain --which is shaped like a chicken drumstick-- to pop out of his other ear}

Ren: WORK?! {He releases Stimpy and scolds him} Have you lost your mind? {He looks up and thinks of a new plan}

Stimpy: {hanging his head in shame} I'm sorry, Ren. I don't know what came over me.

{A cash register sound effect plays as Ren gets an idea}

Ren: {smiling and leaping up triumphantly} That's it! {slyly} I've got a plan!

Stimpy: {excited} What's the plan, Ren?

Ren: Well, we wait until dark. Then we... {''He leans in and whispers in Stimpy's ear. Stimpy nods''} And then we... {He whispers some more}

''{The scene fades to an establishing shot of a house at night. Stimpy is crouched down on all fours while Ren stands on his back, preparing to climb inside through one of the windows. Ren holds a bag in his hand and looks around to make sure the coast is clear}''

Stimpy: {whispering} See you tomorrow, Ren.

''{It cuts to a view of the window's relection on the living room wall. The silhouette of Ren's head rises up into view and quickly ducks down. The entire living room is shown as camera pans to the left over to one of the couches. Ren peers out from behind it with a grin and quickly looks around. Seeing no one, he goes back behind the couch and then tiptoes over to the wall with his bag. He presses his ear against the wall and knocks on it until he finds a stud}''

Ren: Ah! {''He reaches into his bag and pulls out a beaver. He tilts the beaver's head back to show off his top and bottom teeth''} Mighty incisors!

''{Ren turns the beaver over and pulls a starter rope on his back. He slides over and uses the beaver like a chainsaw to cut a semicircular outline in the wall. Once the outline is made, Ren smiles and pats the beaver's head. The beaver burps loudly and spits out pieces of wood and nails, then giggles at Ren's shocked expression. Ren stuffs the beaver into his pocket and kicks down the part of the wall in the outline, making a mouse hole. Ren goes through the mouse hole smiling as the scene fades to black. An establishing shot of the house the next morning is shown. Stimpy rings the doorbell, wearing a blue bowler hat and a patch on his tongue. A woman, Mrs. Pipe, answers the door}''

Stimpy: {smiling and holding up a business card} D'ah, hello! Please allow me to make a business proposal.

''{Mrs. Pipe takes the business card and looks at it. A closeup of the card is shown, saying 'Stimpson J. Cat Professional "Mouse Catcher".'}''

Mrs. Pipe: {reading} "Stimpson J. Cat: Professional Mouse Catcher." {Stimpy looks up at her with big eyes and bats his eyelashes} Oh, how cute!

''{Mrs. Pipe picks Stimpy up by the scruff of his neck and goes back inside. She carries Stimpy over to her husband, Mr. Pipe, who is sitting in an armchair in his bathrobe and reading the newspaper}''

Mrs. Pipe: Look honey, a kitty cat! Isn't he adorable? {Stimpy strikes a cute pose}

Mr. Pipe: Yep, that's a cat all right. {Stimpy's face falls at Mr. Pipe's indifference}

Mrs. Pipe: Can we keep him? He can catch mice! {Stimpy smiles and nods in agreement}

Mr. Pipe: Don't be silly, dear. {Stimpy's face falls again} You know we don't have any mice.

{Ren sticks his head out of the mouse hole, wearing mouse ears and a bow tie}

Ren: Squeak! Squeak! {He holds up a piece of cheese} Squeak, I tell you! Squeak!

''{Ren puts the piece of cheese into his mouth and viciously shakes his head back and forth. Mr. Pipe lowers the newspaper and watches}''

Mr. Pipe: Man, that's the ugliest mouse I've ever seen. {Ren puts the cheese on the floor and pounds on it with his fist} And he's beating up on our cheese! All right, cat. You've got yourself a job. {He gives Stimpy a five dollar bill} Here, here's five bucks.

Ren: Five bucks! {His pupils become dollar signs and he rubs his hands together with glee}

Mr. Pipe: {pointing} Now, catch that mouse!

{Ren, wearing red Mickey Mouse shorts as well, blows a raspberry at Stimpy and starts running away}

Ren: {acting scared} Oh my! Will no one save me?

{Stimpy chases after Ren, bouncing up and down on all fours}

Stimpy: That's right! You're in for it now! Your days are numbered!

''{Ren stops running and leans back in fake apprehension as Stimpy prepares to pounce on him. Stimpy lands in front of Ren instead, baring his teeth to look ferocious. Grinning, Ren pulls out a big mallet and hits Stimpy on the head with it}''

Ren: Yow! You're murdering me! {He runs in place to pick up speed and dashes off, still grinning}

Stimpy: D'ah, you are in trouble now, Mr. Rodent!

''{Their fake chase resumes. Meanwhile, Mrs. Pipe is standing on top of a grandfather clock in fright}''

Mrs. Pipe: Oh dear, I had no idea this would be so gruesome!

''{Ren runs around a corner and slyly presses up against the wall. He holds out a frying pan and Stimpy runs right into it. Ren tosses the frying pan away as Stimpy falls to ground with two fried eggs over his eyes and two strips of bacon around his nose}''

Ren: {waving his hands in the air} Help! The bad old cat is gonna get me!

''{He dashes off again. Stimpy shakes off the eggs and bacon and watches him with a smile. Ren pushes open the kitchen door and runs inside}''

Ren: Oh help! He is so fast and wily!

''{The door closes right as Stimpy approaches. Stimpy runs into it face first and flattens like a pancake. Ren opens the door slightly, peels Stimpy off of it, and pulls him into the kitchen. Mrs. Pipe is now standing on top of one of the couches, her legs shaking as she listens to the noises coming from the kitchen}''

Ren: {offscreen} Hey! What are you doing? {A knife is heard being sharpened} Put down that knife, please! {Stabbing sounds commence} No! No! {Mrs. Pipe squeals in fright} No, I tell you! AAAARRGH!

''{Stimpy is actually using the knife to cut a tomato into slices, one of which Ren takes. It fades to a shot of the two of them sitting on the floor and eating sandwiches. Ren bangs a pan on the floor as he eats to make it sound like they are still fighting} ''

Ren: Ow! Stop it! Help! Help! Ouch!

Stimpy: I have got you right where I want you, you dirty old mouse!

''{A plate is broken over Stimpy's head. The camera pans back to reveal he's sitting by a pile of plates and he breaks another one on his head. A shot of the kitchen door is shown}''

Ren: {offscreen} I'm free! I've escaped! {He opens the door and runs back into the living room, cackling} That nasty old cat will never get me now! I'm home free!

''{A shot of the mouse hole is shown. Stimpy leans in and blocks the hole with a catcher's mitt, which Ren runs into. Stimpy heads for the front door carrying Ren by his tail}''

Stimpy: I have you now!

Ren: {pretending to beg} Oh no! Do not throw me out into the cold, dark night!

Mr. Pipe: Hey, cat. {Stimpy reaches for the doorknob, but stops and turns around} Aren't you gonna eat that mouse? {Ren and Stimpy look shocked and Stimpy's hat deflates} Well, go ahead. Put him in your mouth!

''{Stimpy looks at Ren worriedly and turns him right-side up, his hat reinflating and springing up. He moves Ren closer toward him and reluctantly opens his mouth. Ren closes his eyes and prays under his breath. Stimpy starts biting down on Ren's head as gently as he can}''

Mrs. Pipe: That's right. Eat him up good!

{Stimpy stops and gives the Pipes a pained expression before turning back to Ren}

Mr. Pipe: Don't be shy!

''{Ren stares at Stimpy with big, teary eyes and quivers his lip. Stimpy, still looking upset, shoves Ren into his mouth}''

Mr. Pipe: That's a good cat.

''{Stimpy, his cheeks bulging, smiles at the Pipes and shrugs his shoulders. It cuts to a shot of Ren sitting on Stimpy's tongue with Stimpy's giant teeth surrounding him}''

Mrs. Pipe: Aw, look honey. Isn't that cute? {Stimpy starts to leave} Well go ahead, kitty. Chew him up!

''{Stimpy stops midstep with a horrified expression on his face. Ren's eyes widen in shock and he looks up as the top row of teeth begin to rise. He quickly leaps onto the bottom row and grabs the palate, his arms and legs shaking as he tries to keep Stimpy's mouth pried open. Stimpy makes a slow chewing motion with his mouth}''

Stimpy: {feigning a smile and rubbing his stomach} Mmmmmm! Mmmmm!

{Ren is shown to be trapped between the rows of cracked teeth and he slides back and forth as the top teeth grind him painfully}

Mr. Pipe: Yes sir, he's really enjoying himself.

''{Stimpy grimaces and clenches his fists as tears brim in his eyes. Meanwhile, Ren is sweating and clinging to the roof of Stimpy's mouth for dear life. Stimpy's tongue reaches up and licks Ren twice in an effort to dislodge him, but Ren doesn't let go. Stimpy opens his mouth and tries to pry Ren off with his finger without success}''

Mrs. Pipe: Aw honey, it's too big to swallow! {She gives Stimpy a glass of milk} Here, wash him down with this.

''{Stimpy takes the milk and drinks it. Ren looks alarmed and tries to run as Stimpy's tongue unfurls underneath him. Ren leaps up onto Stimpy's uvula and holds on tight as a huge wave of milk washes over him. The milk recedes and a battered Ren stands on Stimpy's tongue, his body shaking as he starts going crazy}''

Ren: {his voice distorted} TEETH to the left of me... GUMS to the right of me! {He clutches his head} I tell you I can't STAND it! I am going... {He gets down on all fours and opens his mouth wide} MAAAAADDDD!!!

''{Stimpy's body shakes and his mouth bulges to the left, right and down from the impact of Ren's words. Ren recovers and thinks for a minute, then smiles when he gets an idea. He pulls a feather out of his shorts and tickles Stimpy's palate with it. Stimpy covers his mouth with his hands, but he can't help himself and coughs Ren up like a hairball}''

Stimpy: HWARF!

{Ren, curled up in a ball of fur, bounces and rolls on the carpet over to Mrs. Pipe}

Mrs. Pipe: Oh honey, look, the poor dear has coughed up a hairball. Get me a tissue, will you?

''{Ren uncurls himself and shakes his head to clear his senses. Mr. Pipe walks over and crouches down for a better look}''

Mr. Pipe: Why, that's no hairball. That's that ugly mouse! Tell you what, hun, wash it off and we'll try again. That cat must be starving!

Ren: {angry} Oh no you don't! I am no mouse! {He takes off his mouse ears and throws them on the floor} I'm an asthma-hound chihuahua! {He pulls out an official document to prove it}

Mr. Pipe: Well by Joe, it is a chihuahua!

Ren: Go on, Stimpy, he's got us. Give him back his five bucks.

{Stimpy's lip quivers and tears flow down his face}

Stimpy: I CAN'T! {He throws himself at Ren's feet and grabs his leg} I've been bad, Ren! You'll smack me!

Ren: {kindly} When have I ever? Now go ahead, tell me what's wrong.

Stimpy: {wiping his nose, still crying} All this talk about eating made me HUNGRY! I ate the five bucks!

''{Ren looks shocked while Stimpy lowers his head to the floor. Ren pulls his leg free and lifts Stimpy up by his tonuge, his other hand raised to smack him}''

Ren: {angry} You... {He slaps him hard} stupid eediot! {He slaps him again} You filthy worm! You... {He slaps him again} bloated sack!

{The scene fades to a shot of Ren and Stimpy hard at work washing dishes in the kitchen as piles of other dishes tower over them}

Mrs. Pipe: {scolding} And after you're done with those dishes, you can vacuum the rug, paint the lawn, mow the hedge, shave the chickens...

''{Ren and Stimpy turn to the camera, looking uneasy about all of the work they have to do. The sceen irises  out on their faces} ''