Mazes and Mutants

No! You can't! No! No! No! No! My +1 ring of awesome didn't save me. Avenge me. Ahh, avenge the beloved elf. Guh! Relax, Mikey. Your elf is fine. For now. But suddenly, your party is attacked by evil, vicious monkey goblins! Huh? Huh? You have to roll a 2 or higher, to avoid being bitten. Critical fail, dude! The monkey goblin bites. Raph loses 11 hit points. Give me that! I'm gonna use my magic sword +3 to strike. Hmm. What is all of this? It's called Mazes & Mutants. We found it in the trash up top. A game? Don't you have mutagen to find? But, Sensei, we just beat the Kraang and Shredder's forces. We could use just one day to relax. I cannot understand why you play a fantasy game. When your lives are already fantastic. Me next! Everyone's favorite elf wants to attack goblins too. Aw, yeah! +1 ring of awesome! Something is not right here. Excellent, my fellow anthropomorphized animals. Play to thine heart's content, for thy true game is about to beginith. It's mind master! Take this and so on, Dash Coolstar! Dash, what's wrong? Mind master. He's filling my brain with horror and madness. I'm trapped in my own mind! You can fight against it, Dash! I believe in you to break free. Yes, I do! Ohh! No! His mind is too very great! Boom! Where did he pull out the bazooka? I have theories. None of them pleasant. Hear ye, hear ye! We have seen the future, and it is larp. Larp: Live action role play. We dress up as our heroes, then finish our Mazes & Mutants game in the sewers. Cool! Sounds like fun. Sounds like stupid. Count me out. Come on, Raph. If you play with us, I'll let you wear my +1 ring of awesome. Oh, really? Can I? That would be so keen, Mikey. Forget it. I don't do rings. That's three votes to one. Let's larp. If we're gonna larp, we're gonna need costumes! Yeah! Leo the Knight. Donnie the Wizard. Mikey the Elven thief. Thank you very much. Raph the Dwarf Barbarian. Psst, you should larp on your knees. So you look like a real Dwarf Barbarian. Ooh! Come on, dude. It's slomo time. I've set up the game so we can finish in the tunnels. Whoever solves the clues and defeats the dragon wins. Ah! It's a deadly tree Troll! Get it! Get it! Get! Ugh. Well done, adventurers. The Troll is defeated. Oh, yeah! Uhhuh, uhhuh. That's how I do it, uh! Hey, I found something. "Soon you will find yourself in a haze. Solve the riddles to beat the maze. " That's not the clue I wrote down. The haze! Just like the rubber tree Troll said. It smells. You been eating asparagus again, Mikey? Wow, Leo, you really hooked this game up. This wasn't me. A dungeon? Um, what did you mean exactly when you said it wasn't you? Leo's just being humble. This is amazing. Everything feels so realistic. What was that? What was that? This way! Leo, I appreciate all the hard work you put into this, bro. I really do. The craftsmanship is a thing of beauty. It's commendable. But, um, what is going on? I have no idea. Are we really in medieval times? Dude, I don't want to be stuck in the 1980s. - Who is? - What the Weird. Thou possesseth questions. I am the one who possesseth thy answers. What did he say? I don't speak Spanish, dude. My name is Sir Malachi. I am the one who changeth your clue. I am the one who broughteth you here. And I am the one who will rewardeth you. If you win the quest. Win the quest? You four turtles must solveth the puzzles three. And defeateth the dragon, to free princess April. Then and only then will I releaseth you. April? You have her? Why you you. You let her go! Or I'll possesseth your faceeth! Righteth? If thou succeedeth, I will free your princess. And send all of you safely back home. Fail and the dragon devours her. And thou will be trapped in the maze forever! Forever! Well, maybe we don't want to play your game. Thou will play for thine lives! Monkey goblins! Monkey goblins. Real monkey goblins? A lot freakier than 1 inch miniatures! This ax is impossible! You can't play like Raph the ninja turtle. You have to play like Raph the Dwarf Barbarian. Never should've agreed to be a Dwarf. Do these monkey goblins remind you of something or Someone? They almost look like Rockwell. Poof! What is going on? And where did those things come from? No idea. But there's only one way out of here. We're not really gonna do this, are we? Unless you know some other way out, we have to play Sir Malachi's game. Whoaeth. If this is a dungeon maze, it's probably loaded with traps, so watch your step. I never want to see you get hurt +1 ring of awesome, so shiny and beautiful, my magical source of power. My awesome. I'll give you a magical headache. Wanderers Mine congratulations on solving the first puzzle. And now for thy second riddle. You stupid bird head. Oof! A maze is like a brain. A dungeon is a mind. Make one slip, and you'll be forever left behind. Can this get any weirder? Guess so. I think all of those tiles are trapdoors. You heard him, team. Ninja stealth. Ah! My dagger of limitless skill! Eh. It wasn't all that. Whew! That was too close. What is going on here? I'm gonna tell you what's going on, Leo. This is all magic. There's no such thing as magic. It's the power of the ancient elves, dude. Why am I having this conversation? I just want to hit Sir Nerdachi so hard. He turns back into an egg. I want to clobber his feathery face into a pillow. I want to. Sir Raphael, you challenge my power, the power of the Gray Highland wizards of the north? You must be eating some really crazy birdseed. That doeseth it. Zinza makooloo carookoo chookoo! Bring it on! Yeah! Give me your best shot! Let me see what you can really do. Raph, you, um You have the head of a turkey. Dude, that is so awesome. Gobble, gobble, son, like a turkey do. What? Huh? Huh? Ooh! That's right! You're playing by my rules now. Anyone who forfeits the game next. Turns into a squirrel. And And now for the next riddle. Where you thinketh you are, trouble if you boast; if thou taketh too long, you shall be as toast. Poof! Oh, no! Flaming boulder! Flaming boulder! Hoteth! Hoteth! Hoteth! Ah! Whew. - I've been giving this some thought. - About me being a turkey? Uh, no, about the riddles. I think I get it. All the riddles are really one single riddle. You're saying the riddles point out the true nature of this place. You actually understand what Leo is talking about? +1 ring of awesome, dude. Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ring of awesome. April! Guys! Thank goodness! Can you get me out of this snow globe? Hold on. We'll have you out in a. . Uh, refresh my memory. Was there some mention of a dragon? Leatherhead? Leatherhead. But I thought you were gone forever, dude. - We got to save April! - It's not trying to hurt her. Just us. Critical hit! Critical fail. Ugh, our weapons are useless. Leatherhead, we're pals. I don't want to have to fight you. I'm sorry, leatherhead. I hope someday you'll find it in your heart to forgive me. Whoosh! That. . That can't be the real leatherhead. - Really? - I'm trying! It's cool. Sorry. I mean, maybe just try a little harder? - Donnie! - Stay put, April. If we imagine our weapons are magical and allpowerful, we can defeat leatherhead. Yes, that's the answer. But that makes no sense! Trust me. Believe! Focus. Use your imagination. April? What's going on? This whole adventure is totally looney! Show your ugly bird head, Malachi! Well done, fellowship of turtles. Now I shall prepareth thy next adventure. Then I will playeth the game with you forever. And ever and ever! Forget it, Malachi. - We figured it out. - We did? This whole thing is an illusion. - It's not real. - It's not? Nonsense! Thou mustest travel the maze. Until my heart's contentethery. No way. With mine first attack, I cast magic fist! Told you. Power of ancient elves. Lightning of Lorenzo! Rockets of Ravendorf! Everyone, listen. Malachi is a mutant. He's creating the maze inside our minds. Inside our minds? Are you crazy, Leo? He's got magic, but I've got the +1 ring of awesome. Thou thinkest thou can surprise the game master? I cast egg bombs of power! Whoa! Ooh! My ring of awesome. It failed. Mikey, give me that ring. YouYou want to carry my ring? Not exactly. Uh! Ow! That smarteth! Guys, focus! The only way we can beat this is if we all believe it's not real. I get it. And I don't believe! Leo says it's not realeth. Leo says it's not realeth. Yes! It's up to you now, Raph. I'm trying. Raph! I don't believe! No! Yes! I'm handsome again. We're not playing anymore, Malachi. We're back! Oh, man! Ooh! You shall not pass! We were in the sewers the whole time. What were you trying to do? Ii just wanted to play. My name is Martin Milton. I used to be obsessed with Mazes & Mutants. Every hour, every day. All that changed the day I was feeding the birds on my roof. I donned fair cloak and wizardly hat, to become Sir Malachi, the sparrow Wizard. I went into the sewers to play a solo larping game of Mazes & Mutants. When I accidentally found you. I made sure you found the game. I was so happy you liked it, so happy indeed. I just wanted people to play with. Dude, solo larp? That is so sad. Aw, Malachi wasn't entirely bad. He did leave us clues that everything was an illusion. It really was a game. You can go, Malachi. But you have to promise that you'll never force anyone to play with you ever again. Sounds faireth to me. Boom! Wah! Boom! Boo! Boowah! Bwah! Boo! Boom! Goodbyeth, my friends! Live long and larp. And thus the turtle champions fought the Wizard Sir Malachi. And won by the sheer power of their awesomeness! Booyakasha! Um, guys? Hey, wait up!

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