Pilling Them Softly

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ Is violence in movies and s*x on TV ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ All the things that make us ♪ ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 14x01 ♪ Pilling Them Softly Original Air Date on September 27, 2015

Ugh, look at Miss Tammy.

What a skank.

She's free-muffin it at a baby school.

Hi, Stewie. Mommy's here to pick you up.

Why do you feel the need to narrate every little thing you do?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Griffin.

You know, I've actually been meaning to talk to you about Stewie.

I'm concerned that he might have an attention problem.

Attention problem?

Yes, he's been a little difficult to deal with, and on page two of three in the How To Be a Teacher manual, it says that any child who's being difficult should be medicated.

What?! Drugging a baby?

Are you sure?

That sounds so serious.

I'm afraid his behavior has been an issue for a while.

He's even been bothering students during nap time.

Hey, you up?

Guess where I have a crayon.

So, I spend, like, $75 on cat toys, and what does she play with?

A shoelace.

That's crazy.

Joe, that's been your answer every time I tell a story.

It's like you're not even listening.

Well, that's 'cause you interrupted me when I was telling you about Kevin trying to hang himself with an extension cord.

I know, that's crazy.

Hey, y'all want to try some of our new food?

I'm trying to turn this place into a gastropub.

These are Korean tacos, 'cause whatever the hell nowadays.

Ugh! These are terrible!

(laughs)

Quagmire, when it comes to tacos, I'll trust the Koreans, thank you.

You're nuts. This tastes like Ani DiFranco after a bike ride.

Geez, Quagmire, since when are you such an expert on food?

For your information, I'm an excellent cook.

(laughs): You? A cook?

Huh. What's your specialty?

No-way soufflé?

(laughs) I'm sorry, that was out of line.

I am a good cook, and I'll prove it to you!

Saturday night, you and all your wives are coming to my place for dinner.

Fine. We'll be there.

Ooh, can we make it Sunday?

Saturday, I'm giving Javier Bardem a haircut.

So, what'll it be?

Everything.

What do you mean?

Long in the short places, short in the long places.

It should be from both the future and the past.

Something a child would do to a doll.

Sorry, I just prefer to do number two at home.

Where were we?

It's Stewie, Dr. Hartman.

He's having trouble focusing at school.

Ah, yes. So you're telling me your baby won't sit still in a way that's convenient for his teacher?

Yes.

I'd heard stories, but never thought I'd see it with my own eyes.

Mrs. Griffin, I'm going to write Stewie a prescription for ADHD medication.

Really? Well, I don't know.

Doesn't that stuff make you wired?

Well, if you're low-energy and lethargic, yes.

But if you're high energy, it actually calms you down and helps you focus.

At least that's what I'm reading on WebMD.

Wow, there are a lot of different kinds of medicines.

There's a cat in here.

Okay, I guess we can give it a try.

Here you go.

Now, who's this little guy?

Wow, when did you learn to cook, Glenn?

Well, as a young man, I found that a great meal was the quickest way to a woman's heart.

How romantic.

I mean, how do you think NBA players get all those chicks?

They're all great cooks.

Except Kobe Bryant.

His-his... his secret is different.

Quagmire, you're really good.

You could probably make money at this.

Yeah, maybe you could open a restaurant.

Or maybe get a cooking show.

You know, the 11:30 cooking show on Channel Five needs a new host.

The old one burned off his eyebrows, and was just too weird to look at.

You should do it, Quagmire!

I'll even come along and cheer you on!

You'd do that for me?

Course I would.

I love cheering people on, like when I go to NASCAR.

(crowd cheering) Go in a circle! Go in a circle! Go in a circle!

Advertise stuff! Advertise Stu...!

Go in a circle!

Hey, where's Stewie?

Oh, he's probably sleeping off his pills.

What?

Well, the school said he had an attention problem, so Dr. Hartman gave him a prescription.

You're giving a one-year-old drugs?!

You're doping up a baby!

Peter, are you okay with this?

Will you stop talking?

I'm trying to think about a girl I saw at the gas station.

(door creaks)

Stewie?

(slowly): Welcome to Pillow-World, Bri.

Let me get up and greet you.

There we go.

How you doing?

Oh, my God, Stewie, you're totally drugged out!

You know something?

I have been thinking about how everyone in this family, Brian, does their job.

And they do a pretty good job of it.

God, I'm really freaking out over this audition.

What if I blow it?

Quagmire, when I agreed to come to this, I didn't know it would require this level of emotional support.

You Glenn Quagmire?

I'm Carson, the producer of the show.

Peter Griffin.

I should be at work.

Okay, let's see what you've got.

I think you're gonna like this.

Cedar plank salmon with a maple glaze and slow-roasted cherry tomatoes on a bed of mesclun greens.

Hmm. Not bad.

Also, the tomatoes can be eyes, and the lettuce can be hair.

Look down. There's also a carrot.

(laughs) This is great!

Terrific food and a hilarious sidekick?

This! This is the show!

What do you mean?

I'm saying you're hired!

Just as long as your friend joins you.

What do you say, Peter?

I say let's do it!

Whoops. Uh, uh.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

What do I... what-what do I do?

I-I don't... I don't know what to do now.

That was the wrong choice, Peter.

Wow, Quagmire, look at you!

You're a real TV chef!

I know.

It might sound silly, but being a chef is something I've always dreamed about.

I always dream about my house filling up with water.

That's crazy. But anyway, thanks for encouraging me, Peter.

Director: All right, places!

We're rolling in three, two, one.

Welcome back to Quagmire's Kitchen.

Now, this mince pie is about ready to go.

Just needs a pinch of cinnamon.

And while we're at it, how about we take the cinnamon challenge?

Okay, Peter, we've all seen the Internet videos.

We're not doing that.

I was talking about something else.

I was talking about a serious cooking thing.

Now, the ingredients of a mince pie are traceable to the 13th century, when returning European crusaders brought back Middle Eastern recipes containing meats, fruits and-- oh, boy-- spices.

Right here, I'm using cloves.

(coughing)

Of course, most people associate mince pie with Christmas.

(hacking) But I'll be honest. I'm not afraid of a summer mince pie.

I remember the first time I had mince pie.

Our neighbor, Mrs. Morrin, introduced it to me one afternoon.

Oh, God!

I had house-sat for her Aah! while she was visiting her aunt in Vernon Oh, God. and she wanted to thank me.

And, oh, boy, what a treat it was.

You done?

Yeah.

All right, best two out of three, cinnamon.

Still on those meds, huh?

Uh, yeah, they, uh... they help me to, um... uh... think.

Okay, time for an eyes-open nap.

God, look what those pills are doing to you.

Putting you on that stuff was a huge mistake.

Like inviting a turtle to a cocktail party.

Hey. Ask me why they call me a box turtle.

(loud munching)

See, this is how American society treats unique, enthusiastic children.

Instead of embracing their mental gifts, their first reaction is to shoot them up with hard-core drugs until they're mindless sheeple.

All the better to send off to Kuwait and feed the Halliburton oil machine, right?!

(scoffs): Bush.

Yup. Takes all kinds.

You know, a lot of kids at my school take ADD pills.

They say if you're lazy and unmotivated, it makes you super energized and productive.

Rea... Really? Productive?

Yeah. And college kids take it all the time so they can focus on their studies and drinking alcohol with their butts.

Focus, huh?

Okay, well, Stewie, these babies can help the garbage disposal focus because that's where they're going.

No need to follow me, because I just said what I was gonna do.

My God, I can't stop!

The words are just pouring out of me!

I have more energy than a guy who caught a T-shirt!

(crowd cheering)

My wife can wear this to sleep!

My wife can wear this to sleep!

Okay, today we're putting together duck breast medallions with a port wine reduction.

And as I'm walking you through the steps, watch your screen for Junior Chef Peter's pop-up tips: helpful hints and food factoids to make your meal a success.

Now, you're gonna want to start with a large, self-sealing plastic bag.

And in that bag, we'll combine one large, finely-chopped garlic clove; one tablespoon of grated, peeled fresh ginger; two teaspoons of five-spice powder; a teaspoon of salt; and a half teaspoon of fresh ground pepper.

Then you're gonna want to add the duck breasts, seal the bag, and refrigerate that for at least one hour, or up to 24 hours, if you want to prepare this ahead of time.

Just make sure you remove the bag from the refrigerator one hour before cooking.

You're gonna put that in your oven, preheated to 400 degrees.

So we just spoon on the drippings, and that'll brown the skin nicely.

If you bang these metal spoons on everything, it's like Stomp.

Look at me! I'm huge in 2002!

Peter...

Nothing like a night at the theater that ends in a headache!

Damn it, Peter, that's it!

I can't do this show with you anymore! You're fired!

What?! You can't fire me!

Only Mr. Spacely can fire me.

Griffin... you're fired!

(voice breaking): Okay, that's fair.

(crying)

Peter, can I come in?

Hold on, let me put on my weird old actress turban.

Yes?

Listen, I saw what happened, but you should know, we at the station would hate to lose you.

You're a big hit with the viewers.

I will not work with that man again.

I'm not asking you to. In fact, we'd like to offer you your own cooking show.

Hmm, let me consult with my lawyer.

Well, Peter, since the DUIs happened so close together, we don't really have much wiggle room here.

I suggest you take the jail time and just get it over with.

I'll do it. After October 13.

Come on, Rupert.

Wait-wait till you see this.

This is really something special.

Check out how much water is in the dehumidifier.

Wow!

That was all in the air.

(light clattering)

Brian?

Is that... is that, uh...

Is that, uh... you?

Stewie! Rearrange.

Ewiets. Rearrange.

Wieest. Restore.

Stewie. Hey, come see what I've been working on.

I call it Space Shire Seven.

Nice, nice.

It's like, uh, it's like a fake, uh, place you made?

It's a medieval sci-fi universe, adaptable to TV, movies, toys, games, and mobile apps!

I threw together a 2,000-page treatment last night.

And I just figured, the hell with it, why not build a scale model and record voices for all the characters? Watch.

Well met, stranger.

Arasha deekaba plitcho.

That's a Nebulon Mage. He speaks Ga'bi, this dumb language I wrote.

It's then... illegal?

What?

Hello?

Okay, now we add the diced tomatoes.

(thumping dance music, applause in distance)

Just gonna keep going here.

I like to drizzle these with a fig balsamic...

(crowd cheers in distance)

Damn it.

What the hell is going on over there?!

♪ I don't want ♪ ♪ A place to stay... ♪

And that's my famous paella that looks and tastes just like a pizza bagel.

It's a pizza bagel.

Now, as always, add butter to taste.

Mmm, delicious!

Butter dunk!

(buzzer sounds)

(crowd cheering)

Stop it! Stop the show!

What the hell are you doing?

You're just pouring melted butter onto frozen foods.

You're not a chef.

Oh, really? Then why do I already have a restaurant in Orlando's largest indoor water park?

This is an insult to anyone who cares about cooking.

Either you leave the network or I do!

Guys, guys, look, I know how we can settle this: a cook-off.

Each of you cooks a meal using a secret ingredient, Iron Chef style.

Will we be allowed to use calculators?

Um, I... I don't...

What?

I say bring it on!

Fine! A cook-off it is.

See you in the kitchen, jerk.

I'll see you in hell, loser.

Bad day to carpool.

Yeah.

Okay, Joe, Peter and I are going head-to-head in that cooking competition, and they're letting us each use an assistant.

Will you help me out?

Okay, but just promise me there's no reading.

I'm not a strong reader.

What?

I'm not illiterate, I'm just slow.

What are you talking about?

I never tried hard in school 'cause I could always run fast.

So you're cool with being my chef helper for the big show?

Sure, but I got to be honest-- if it ain't a fish with whiskers, I don't know what to do with it.

But if it is?

Then sweet sassy molassey! (chuckles)

Great. Don't talk that way when we're on the show.

♪ ♪ ♪ You're taking a chance ♪ ♪ Risking it all ♪ ♪ For the thrill of the moment ♪ ♪ Taking a stand ♪ ♪ You ain't gonna fall ♪ ♪ And you've always known it ♪ ♪ They're dying to shake you ♪ ♪ Trying their best to break you ♪ ♪ And though the going is rough ♪ ♪ You're going home as a hero ♪ ♪ 'Cause there's thunder in your heart ♪ ♪ Every move is like lightning ♪ ♪ It's the power you feel ♪ ♪ When you get your taste ♪ ♪ Of the glory ♪ ♪ You can light the dark ♪ ♪ When they hear your heart of thunder. ♪

Stewie! Stew-ez Canal.

You're here!

We got to get going.

Going?

Where?

To Hartford, man.

There's a book fair at the convention center, and George R. R. Martin will be there.

Who-Who's that?

Uh, Game of Thrones? Black shirts? Dandruff?

Takes down more nerd chotch than anyone around?

Okay.

Anyway, I'm gonna show him my models and pitch him Space Shire Seven.

Okay, before we go, I should wet my eyes.

(slow scraping)

There.

♪ ♪

Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker, and we have a fantastic cooking competition for you today with two fantastic chefs.

Really?

You couldn't find another adjective for "fantastic"?

Used "fantastic" twice? Who wrote this?

Director: Erica did.

Wait, is that the one I called fat and we can't fire?

Yeah.

Let's get this contest started!

Big whoop. I can do that.

(woman screams)

Director: Oh, my God, Erica!

You killed Erica!

Tom: Fantastic.

That's him. George R. R. Martin.

God, he must be the coolest fat guy in a train conductor's cap in the world!

Mr. Martin, I'm Brian Griffin, and I've got a pitch that's gonna blow you away.

Are you sitting down?

Almost always.

Then join me on an interstellar crusade to Space Shire Seven!

Our story begins 50,000 fortnights ago, in the distant galaxy of Warlock's Keep.

Comet Castle falls.

Samson Cyberblood is the new king of the star system.

Long live Space Shire Seven, and long live the Hyperspeed Throne!

(panting)

So? What do you think?

It was terrible.

Ah, you're speaking the language of the Opposite Goblins.

I'm very flattered.

No, it's garbage.

You just took a lot of pills, mashed together a bunch of sci-fi and fantasy clichés and crapped out a 2,000-page turd.

Y-You could tell I was on medication?

Oh, sure. But that stuff doesn't make you write well, it just makes you write a lot.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go wash the nerd chotch out of my beard.

God. I didn't realize how those drugs were ruining me creatively.

I haven't been feeling quite right either.

Yesterday, I watched Chris shower for half an hour just because I thought it was the TV.

He, um... he lies on his back in there.

Stewie, this drug is ruining us.

We don't need these.

You're right.

These pills are for people with real problems.

But there's nothing wrong with us.

You're just lazy, I'm just excitable; we're-we're both normal.

Now let's go home.

(grunting)

That man is an imposter!

I am George R. R. Martin!

Whoa!

♪ ♪

Let's begin the Channel Five Cook-Off.

Remember, the winner gets to keep his TV show.

And the secret ingredient is... butter.

Aw, sweet!

No. That's Peter's specialty.

I was hoping the secret ingredient would be popcorn shrimps.

I liked smacking your butt earlier.

Are the balls different from the cubes?

God, what do I do?

Joe, check if we have shallots!

Okay. I can't see anything on the counter, but I'll do my best.

Aah! Monster brains!

Tom: Looks like Chef Griffin is preparing a delicious five-course butter feast.

Son of a bitch, I never cook with butter.

Joe, grab my recipe book and find a dish where I can substitute olive oil with butter.

Joe, come on, hurry!

I told you I'm not a strong reader!

Damn it, Joe, pull it together!

Hey, Quagmire, FYI, I got to take off in, like, ten minutes.

I got a clarinet lesson.

What?! Ugh.

I can't do this.

(sobbing)

Aw, look at Quagmire.

This was his dream.

Time's almost up, Peter.

We're gonna win!

No, we're not.

Tom: And in a stunning turn of events, Chef Griffin is eating his entire meal.

He'll have nothing to serve.

(buzzer sounds)

(panting)

Well, that's it. If Chef Quagmire has prepared a dish of any kind, he wins this competition.

Let's see what he has.

A warm packet of tartar sauce brought in from somewhere else.

"When are you gonna use that?" Bonnie said.

We have a winner!

(crowd cheering)

Peter, you threw the cook-off for me?

I couldn't take your dream away...

Heart attack!

...from you, buddy. You're the...

Mini stroke!

...one with the real...

Heart attack!

...talent. You...

Heart attack!

...deserve the show...

Regular stroke!

...not me.

You're a good friend, Peter.

But... I don't want a show either.

You don't?

Of course not.

I mean, look what the show did to us.

It destroyed the most important friendship I have.

Joe: Thanks.

You know what? Let's end this for good.

How?

The same way Paula Deen got her cooking show taken off the air.

By saying the one word you can't come back from.

What?

Say the word? Right now?

Yeah. Together.

Ready?

You bet.

(both inhale)

Cleveland: You could have just quit the show.