Ko-Bee Movie / Law & Ogre

(The segment begins at the beehive.)

Announcer: And with only seconds left, the pressure is on. Man, this is an exciting game of beeball.

Bee: Why is every sport we have called "beeball"?

Announcer: Buzz passes to Hiverson. Hiverson to Bee Banks. Back to Hiverson. (Scene goes to timer) The clock is ticking of the number of bee puns we can make. (Scene goes back to court with somebody stealing the ball) What's this? (Referee sounds buzzer) There goes the buzzer. (Basketball goes in net) They win again! Thanks to... Ko-Bee! That was amazing. What's next?

Ko-Bee: I think it's time for me to share my talents with the outhive world.

(Title Card: Ko-Bee Movie)

(Ko-Bee buzzes)

Ko-Bee: Wow, this place is great. Look at all the restaurants that welcome bees! Wait 'till they get a load a'--

(Ko-Bee stops at the Kobe Bryant billboard)

Ko-Bee: What the--?! But he-- but I-- That guy stole my reasonable good looks, and my tattoo!

Bee: Why don't you sue him in court?

Ko-Bee: Sue him in court? 'Cause that would be really boring to watch. I'll do something better.

Bee: All right, I get it. Bee Movie was boring!

(Scene goes to Ko-Bee in Phil Jackson's office)

Phil Jackson: Two things, Ko-Bee. One, we already have a Kobe on our team. And two, you're a bee.

Ko-Bee: But I'm better than he is. Can't you tell?

Phil Jackson: No. In fact, those stripes make you look a little heavy. I'm just saying.

(Town begins to rain and have thunders)

Ko-Bee: Great, now it's raining. Bees can't fly in the rain.

(Car tires squeal near Ko-Bee)

Ko-Bee: Aah!

Woman: Hey, it's cold out here. You got a place to stay tonight?

Ko-Bee: No, but I'll bee ok.

Woman: Get in. You're gonna like it here. I have lots of other cases just like you. This is Yao Wing.

Yao Wing: Careful, I am allergic.

Woman: This is Feline Manning.

Feline Manning: S'up?

Woman: And then there's Big Mike. I'm helping him come out of his shell.

Ko-Bee: Thanks, but I don't think I bee-long here.

Woman: First of all, stop with the bee puns. You don't see me dropping "human" into every other sentence. And second, if you wanna be on the Lakers, you have to think of the team as your family. Except for Kobe Bryant, of course, whose career you're trying to ruin. Can you do that?

Ko-Bee: Yes, I can! In fact, I'm gonna bee- I mean defeat him.

(Ko-Bee flies out of the house)

Yao Wing: You're changing that bee's life.

Woman: No, Yao Wing, he's changing mine.

(Scene goes to Feline Manning and Big Mike selling honey for $14.99. Also, cash register dings.)

(Scene goes to basketball court)

Phil Jackson: Now, Kobe, I know you've won five rings, but I can't have two Kobes on the same team, so best man gets to stay, ok?

Kobe Bryant: That sounds reasonable.

Phil Jackson: It does? Man, I should renegotiate your contract. Anyways, let's play.

(Phil Jackson blows whistle and throws basketball in air.)

(Ko-Bee grabs onto the ball but Kobe dribbles it.)

Ko-Bee: Aah! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Woman: (Gasp)

Ko-Bee: Woah, woah, woah, whoa, whoa, whoa.

(Scene gets slower)

Ko-Bee: [In slow audio] Woah, whoa...

Woman and Pets: (slow motion) We believe in you! [Wii+Bee-lieve+in+U]

(Ko-Bee smiles, also scene is back to normal speed.)

Ko-Bee: I can do this. But, just to be sure, I can also do this.

(Ko-Bee stings Kobe)

Kobe Bryant: Ugh! My reasonable looking face!

(Kobe's head starts to puff up)

(Ko-Bee grabs the basketball, which causes the crowd to cheer and everyone to watch. Ko-Bee moves the basketball to the basket and makes it, which causes the window to break)

Woman: He did it!

Phil Jackson: Sorry, Bryant. You're out. I'm signing Ko-Bee here to a 5-year contract.

(Kobe Bryant starts to leave)

Ko-Bee: Woohoo! Too bad my lifecycle's only six weeks.

(Kobe walks out door but woman talks to him)

Woman: Hey...you need someplace to stay?

Kobe Bryant: (Muffled) You gonna change my life?

Woman: Nope, you're gonna change mine.

(Scene goes to Feline Manning and Big Mike selling Kobe souvenirs. Also cash register dings)

Woman: Now start autographing this stuff.

Bee: You know, you're right. This was a much better movie.

(Scene begins at an apartment building, police tapes wrapped on the door. Inside, Kevin Bernard takes off the sheet to reveal... a recently dead bear?)

Kevin Bernard: Victim seems to be one of the Three Bears.

Cyrus Lupo: Which one?

Kevin Bernard: I don't know. (Covers the dead bear back) The furry one! They're bears, for crying out loud! Bigger question is: what's he doin' livin' in New York City?

Cyrus Lupo: Well, LA's too glitzy, Chicago's too cold, but New York is juu--

Kevin Bernard: Okay, I get it! Better start dusting for prints.

(One slam of the door and a camera swipe later... enter Shrek and Donkey.)

Shrek: Not so fast! I believe fairy tale characters are our jurisdiction. (Donkey appears)

Cyrus Lupo: According to who? (Unholsters and aims sidearm)

Shrek: According to Rumpelstiltskin, (Holds up and opens a contract scroll with Rumplestiltskin, "The Rump" on it) who said I could have the life I always wanted.

Kevin Bernard: And you chose to be a New York detective?

Donkey: Trust me, I begged him to be a Gilmore girl.

(Scene goes black)

Announcer: In the criminal justice system, the people are protected by attorneys. The cartoon characters, however... well, let's face it: we just like this title.

(Title card: Law and Ogre)

Donkey: Hee-Haw!

(GOLDILOCKS' APARTMENT

UPPER LOWER EASTERN WEST SIDE)

Shrek: All right, Goldilocks, when was the last time you saw Papa Bear?

Goldilocks: Not since he had me arrested for breaking into his house. And who knew bears had lawyers? Seriously, he's a bear.

Shrek: Well, he's also dead!

Goldilocks: What?! Does that mean his apartment's for rent?

Shrek: Do you know anyone who'd want to hurt Papa Bear?

Goldilocks: Probably another bear, I guess. Hey, uh, you're not gonna tell anyone else about that apartment, are you?

Shrek: Are you getting all this?

Donkey: No, but check this out.

(Scene goes to Donkey's drawing of another donkey riding a skateboard down a rail, however he "Fails")

(Donkey says "Hee-Haw!" and scene suddenly goes black)

(Big Bad Wolfgangbucks

222 Easy Street St.

Tuesday, September 31)

(Scene resumes at Wolfgang Bucks)

Big Bad Wolf: Grumpy Bear? Yeah, he works in the kitchen. Blue bear, shoots rain out of his gut.

Shrek: Notice anything strange about him?

Big Bad Wolf: Other than he's a blue bear who shoots rain out of his gut? Not really, no.

Shrek: Well, he's wanted, in connection with the murder of Papa Bear.

Big Bad Wolf: Papa Bear's been murdered?! Um, that means his apartment's available?

Donkey: Shrek, look!

Shrek: (off-screen) Grumpy Bear!

Grumpy Bear: Care Bear-Stare!

(Grumpy shows his belly, which releases a sonic wave.)

Shrek: Gah!

(Grumpy runs away)

Donkey: What are you doing?

Shrek: Going deep.

(Shrek throws Donkey)

Donkey: Aah!

(Grumpy is seen running)

Donkey: Ooh, Mamma Mia's still playing! (Note to reader: They didn't make this sketch in '08.)

(Grumpy is seen running again)

Donkey: I smell pretzels!

(Donkey catches Grumpy and lands in trash can)

Shrek: That was a Slam Donkey!

(Donkey says "Hee-Haw!" and scene suddenly goes black)

(BAD JOKE!)

(Scene resumes to Shrek)

Shrek: And as soon as he saw us, he took off running.

Princess Fiona: No further questions, your honor.

Grumpy Bear: I object. This court is stacked against me!

(Gavel sounds)

Puss in Boots: What are you talking about?

Grumpy Bear: The prosecutor is his wife, you're one of his friends, and that is definitely not a jury of my peers!

Chicago Bears Player: You're going down!

Chicago Bears: Rah!

Puss in Boots: How does the jury find the defendant?

(Grumpy catches a football and the Chicago Bears tackle him.)

Chicago Bears: Raah!

Puss in Boots: Sounds like guilty to me. Case closed.

(Donkey says "Hee-Haw!" and scene suddenly goes black)

(Is This Over Yet?)

(Scene resumes to Donkey)

Donkey: Shrek, call on line one.

Shrek: (Picks up) Shrek.

???: Grumpy was right, Shrek. You got the wrong bear.

Shrek: Who is this?

???: Hee hee hee hee! I'd love to talk more, but I must go. I'm having a friend for a pic-a-nic.

Shrek: I'll find ya.

???: Ho ho! I don't think so. I'm smarter than the average bear.

(Scene backs up to reveal Yogi Bear.)

Yogi Bear: D'oh! That probably gave it away.

(Yogi Bear hangs up phone and walks to Jellystone Park... probably with Papa Bear's body in his basket.)

(Donkey appears)

Donkey: Hey, look! I drew the credits!

(Scene goes to Donkey's credits and segment officially ends.)