Deck the Halls

Better here?

Or better here?

Better here?

Or better here? You don't want to be blind at Christmas, Mrs Ryor. Help me out.

- I don't need glasses. - You need binoculars.

We're settling for glasses.

- Better one? - Glasses will make me look old.

Try these.

I look hot.

- Evening, Father Bruce. - Hello, Dr Finch.

- Hello, Mrs Patterson. - Hello, Dr Finch.

- Dr Finch. - Hello, Gustave, Gerta.

I'd love to chat and so, but you know how focused Gerta gets on our runs.

You should maybe get that looked at.

And start wearing some padding.

Well, I'm sure it's more fun your way, Arturo,

but hang the decorations, don'tjust chuck 'em up and hope they stick.

- Hey, Steve. - Mayor Young.

- What do you think? - Looking good.

- Thank you. - Is that an angel on top?

It should be, but we couldn't find one big enough.

But my wife has a doll collection, so she lent us her Marilyn Monroe.

Nice touch. It looks good. Don't go overboard with the lights, though.

- We don't want to seem tacky. - As you say. Winterfest is your baby.

Have we got any big surprises this year?

Come on, nobody keeps a secret better than me. For instance...

I know for a fact that Sheriff Dave is a cross-dresser.

I never told a soul.

Until today.

Hi, honey. I'm home.

It's the raw quail eggs, isn't it? It's the texture, right? The grainy, slimy, milky...

- Can you taste the curry? - Yeah. Yeah.

Gee, I sure hope there's more of that.

You are such a bad liar.

I knew it was awful. It's awful, right?

- Yeah. - Who wants pizza?

My life just isn't working out the way I thought it would.

- Excuse me? - Oh, honey, you don't mean that.

I'm ten and what have I really accomplished?

A half-season of soccer. Cleared legendary mode of Halo.

A lacklustre stint in the Cub Scouts.

Hey.

Hey, guess what day it is? Come on, guess.

- Maddy? - I don't know and I don't care.

Wrong.

It's December 1st.

Time to break out the Christmas calendar.

Yes, this is a busy time of year, so you have to have a game plan.

OK. December 3rd, we hang the wreath.

- You get so intense about Christmas. - I'm not intense, just extremely organised.

When talking about caroling, you shouldn't say "flanking manoeuvre".

Look, I know it's only December 1st, but I have all the planning to do for the Winterfest.

You have a cookbook to write, the kids have school.

It all goes by so quickly. Before you know it, Christmas will be over.

That doesn't mean we have to plan every second.

Look, my dad dragged me from one air force base to another.

Christmas was not a priority for him. We didn't even have a tree.

I want things to be different for my kids.

I want them to have big family traditions year after year

that they can count on and look forward to.

You're right.

- I'm gonna try to be more supportive. - Well, you should be.

Madison is a loner. She has hardly any friends.

Carter's a ten-year-old boy with a midlife crisis.

Let's face it, our kids are a little weird.

This year they need Christmas more than ever.

You're right.

I'm sorry. You're right.

Snowmen, eggnog, caroling - we're gonna do it all, OK?

OK.

- And I don't write cookbooks. - What?

You always say that I write cookbooks, but I don't.

I just edit other people's recipes and compile them into cookbooks that nobody buys.

Then write your own.

So the rejection would be more personal? No, thank you.

- I think you should. - Really?

- Yeah. I think you could. - Really?

Sure.

What is that?

- Is it a truck? - I don't know.

Looks like we have new neighbours.

Who moves in the middle of the night? A meth lab?

How bad could it be?

Here we go. OK.

Hot!

Whoa, big guy. Take it easy.

You're spazzing out on me. Look like you're having a seizure.

I got Tasered once. It looked exactly like that.

- And I'm man enough to say I wet myself. - Who are you?

I'm Buddy Hall. We just moved in across the street.

- You don't happen to have a cat, do you? - No.

Good. I was moving in last night, I accidentally dropped a fridge on one.

- Thank God most of it got away. - Buddy!

Tia, come on over and meet... What's your name?

- Steve Finch. But this isn't a good time. - Come and meet Steve.

- Good morning. - Oh, well.

Steve, you have a way with the ladies.

Oh, thank you.

Kelly, this is Buddy, our next-door neighbour.

Honey, I measured and the ceiling's too low in the bedroom.

We're gonna have to get a shorter pole.

Morning. Oh, what did he do? Try to steal your paper?

- No, I was just being neighbourly. - Leave you alone for five minutes...

Looks like we got a visitor.

Don't put the little guy away on my account.

Tia, this is Kelly. Kelly, this is Tia.

- Hi, so nice to meet you. - You too.

- You have kids, right? - We do.

Why don't you come over? We should talk about starting a car pool.

- That sounds great. Welcome. Bye. - Thank you.

Watch out, it's hot. Hot, hot, hot.

Mm, it's good.

- I can't believe this. - We're just saying hello.

Come on in, it's open.

- Hello. - Oh, good.

Could you come over here and give me a little boost?

Oh, sure.

Seriously, I'm about to break my neck.

Just yank it up there. Yeah, just a little bit harder.

More. Up.

There you go. That's one way to get acquainted, huh?

- Oh, these are for you. - Oh, thank you.

I love blueberry.

Right to the hip.

- And who do we have here? - This is Madison. Say hello, Madison.

Hello, Madison.

- She's 15. You know how they get. - You're kidding me? 15? My girls are 15.

Girls! Get your butts down here! We've got company.

Carter. Carter!

- You're staring. - Oh. Oh. Sorry about that.

I used to do some modelling, mostly for art classes at the community college.

- That's how I met Buddy. - Really? Was he an artist?

No, they caught him peeking in through the windows.

- That's such a sweet story. - I just got so tired of dating boys.

No offence.

Then one day I met Buddy and he just swept me right off my feet.

Oh, there you are.

These are my babies, Ashley and Emily.

- Hi, girls. - Hi.

- This is Madison and this is Carter. - Hi.

You girls will probably be in a lot of the same classes.

Great. Are there any hot guys?

Yeah, but, you know, they're all enormous tools.

Really? Will you introduce us?

Kelly, thank you. That has been in my family for years.

- It's beautiful. - It ought to be.

It's worth more than this entire house put together.

I'll find a safe place and we'll get to school.

I can drop them all at school if you want to unpack.

- Really? - Sure.

- You'd do that for me? - No problem.

I'll get the car while they get dressed.

They are dressed. This is more clothes than they've worn in months.

- Can I live here? - Get in the car.

- You got a fake ID? - No.

- Don't worry. We can make you one. - Nice girls.

You kidding me? I pray every day for the strength not to run over them with the truck.

Have a nice day.

All right, listen up, you guys. We just got in a new shipment of Aspens.

And I want you to sell three for me by lunchtime. All right.

- What? Are you kidding? - Hey! We got a new salesman.

Buddy Hall over here. Let's make him feel welcome.

All right, all right, all right.

Welcome aboard. Sell, sell, sell. All right.

This is gonna be good.

Buddy, hey. So, are you ready to sell some cars?

Me? I'm a born car salesman.

But I was thinking today that maybe I would just kinda ease into it, get a feel for the place.

Yeah, well, you see that tyre-kicker right there? He's all yours.

- I don't know. - I got 1,000 bucks says you can't sell him.

- Let me in on that action. - Let's just make it three.

- Three? - Three Gs.

All right. You guys are asking for it.

There's one born every minute. Come on.

Ted, this is genius.

You can't let these new guys get into a rhythm.

I'm telling you, boys, from this day forward, we own that guy.

Here we go.

The brush-off, the brush-off. OK, here he comes.

- We got you. - Are you OK?

You walked facefirst into that, Buzzo.

Money on my desk by the end of the day. No cheques.

- That's not possible. - Mr Murray owns the dealership.

I just bought one of my own cars.

And the worst part is I paid sticker.

- Hey, girls. - Hey, Dad.

And?

- Sold a car the first five minutes. - Buddy, no? Oh, my God!

Things are gonna work out great this time, baby.

- I'm so proud of you. - Great, great, great, great. Yeah.

- It's great. - Buddy?

Buddy?

- Buddy? Bud? - Yeah.

- I know. - Don't you even.

You always do this. You start out great, you lose interest.

And the next thing you know, I'm up to my neck in cardboard boxes.

No, it's great. I'm a car salesman.

Hey, that's a good job.

It's a greatjob. Greatjob. Car salesman, carpets, copiers.

Futons.

It's all the same.

I don't know, I was just hoping that one day I'd do something big.

Something important.

Something monumental.

You are. You're going to pay off our monumental debt.

Buddy, you promised me.

Well, I will keep my promise.

Everything's going to be great.

Daddy, Daddy, come look. We got something real cool.

The honeys.

Hey, Dad.

- What do you got going here? - It's MyEarth. You type in an address

and you can see every house in the country from space.

Really?

Emily's used it to track the five hottest guys in school.

Yeah. Three of them live two blocks away.

Wow. That's more math than you've done in years. Did it hurt?

Loser.

Easy. You can see every house from space?

- Yeah. - Let's see.

- Where's our house? - Oh, you can't see our house.

But you can see the neighbour's.

- That figures. We're invisible. - Buddy. Trash.

Space, huh?

Of course, you can see the big house.

See it from space?

I'll light it up.

Not gonna be invisible any more.

Three o'clock in the morning. Unbelievable.

Oh, man.

Buddy.

- Buddy. - Hey, Steve.

Do you have any idea what time it is?

Are all the clocks in your house busted?

No. I know what time it is.

Oh, did you just need an excuse to come over here in your underwear?

No, I was being sarcastic.

You gotta know that stuff like that just goes right over my head.

- Hold these things. I'll strand them out. - I will not.

That's why I came over here. You're making all kinds of noise.

Do you have any idea how bright your house is?

Yeah, it's pretty damn bright.

Look at that.

Oh, is that what's bothering you? The lights?

- Yes, that's right. - I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'll turn them off.

Thank you. Thank you.

Steve.

Are we gonna be friends? Because we just moved into the neighbourhood

and, boy, it would be bad if I ticked off the only guy I know.

- That would kill me. - Well, maybe I overreacted a little bit.

Well, you know, I can be a real jerk sometimes.

Maybe we should just start completely over.

Buddy Hall. And you are?

No, I didn't mean we should literally... I was speaking metaphorically.

That's it. I don't... Sometimes, my stupidity astounds me.

I got an idea. How about if you and I come up with a series of hand signals

so I'll know when you're gonna talk weird?

I'll see you tomorrow.

This is gonna be good. Get that satellite image up that you had before.

Go on. Here, honey, you sit here.

Yeah, sit right there and watch.

- There's so many buttons. - I'll do it. Move.

OK, you do it. Where are you going? Stick around. I want you to see this.

- You still can't see it. - You're gonna miss it.

What? You can't see it? It's impossible. I put so many more lights on.

Honey, you're gonna get it. You'll get it.

I gotta go bigger.

- Oh, hi. - Can you order me more of these?

- Sure. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - What's that?

You're gonna love this.

It's a horse-drawn sleigh.

- You don't see many of these around. - No, you don't.

Nice.

I'll take it.

- No! - Come on. Why?

Get away from me with that. I'll call Child Services.

One look at that and they will put you away.

Maddy. Maddy.

We always wear matching sweaters for the family Christmas card. It's all right.

Please?

Look, huh?

Please.

- Are we ready? - You see, Mom's wearing hers.

OK, Mom's old and married. She doesn't need the self-esteem.

- I still have something to live for. - It's true.

Madison's right. She's got her whole life ahead of her.

It's more than I can say for some of us.

He does this every year. He starts acting all depressed

so people feel bad and buy him bigger presents.

- Hey! The new neighbours have reindeer. - Reindeer?

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Hey, Steve, what do you think?

Oh, my God.

It's so cute. Where in the world did you find it?

Eugene Young down at the hardware store sold it to him. Isn't it beautiful?

Beautiful. Yes, and these horses... these horses...

I especially like the way you've duct-taped the antlers to their heads.

Yeah, well, apparently reindeer are not indigenous to the region.

- That sweater is really cool. - Yeah, is it Marc Jacobs?

I'm not sure. I have so many, it's kind of hard to keep track these days.

Well, this has been fun. So let's go take the picture, huh?

Wait, what picture? Your Christmas picture?

You should take it here in the sleigh.

- That's a great idea. - No, that's a horrible idea,

because we take our picture in front of the fireplace. It's a tradition.

- Wouldn't it be nice to try something new? - No, I don't think so.

Here's a hat. Take the picture in the sleigh. You put the Santa suit on.

- You'll take the picture in the sleigh. - That's silly.

- It's adorable. - Carter, get out of there. Right now.

We should keep our voices down,

because I found these horses on the outskirts of town

and, between you and me, they look a little skittish.

You found these horses? Carter, out of that deathtrap now!

- OK, Carter, give me your hand. - Carter, let's go. Give me the reins.

Let go. Let go of the reins. Let go of the reins!

- Oh, my God. Steve! - Honey! Honey!

- Daddy! - Honey!

- Run, run, run, run! - Daddy!

Whoa, stop, horsey!

That's not good!

How do you steer this thing?

Out of the way! Out of the way!

Mrs Ryor!

Oh, my!

Santa! He's real!

I knew it! I knew it!

Oh, boy!

He's coming to. I think he's gonna be all right.

- Where am I? - We're in the back seat of your wife's car,

on the way to the hospital. You warming up?

Yeah.

Where are my clothes?

You were freezing to death. We had to get you out of them.

- Where are your clothes? - I had to get your body temperature up,

so I stripped us both down and zipped us into this sleeping bag.

Trust me, it works. I've done it a half a dozen times.

Calm down, calm down.

The doctor said he saved your life.

Which is only fair, since he's the one who almost got me killed in the first place.

This used to be such a nice, quiet neighbourhood. Look at it now.

People driving by all night.

Did you see that? Did you see that? I think he's tapping into our power.

Yes. And in the process, he is stealing our very souls.

- How do you think he's powering his lights? - I think you're wrong about him.

Look at what he dropped off. He knew we didn't get a chance to take a picture,

so look what he made from a picture he took at the hospital.

- That's you, with the blue lips. - Yeah.

Yeah, and a cute little oxygen tube coming from your nose.

Yeah, I picked up on that. Thanks.

Come on, now. That is a nice gesture, don't you think?

OK.

OK, yeah. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe. I don't know.

I think we should take them with us to get the tree.

- No! - Yes.

Cos I really like Tia. She's taking a real interest in my cookbooks,

and you just need to find a way to get along with Buddy.

OK, but he's not touching any of my trees.

OK, fine. But they're coming with us.

- Hey, Mom. - Hey, sweetie.

Hey, Dad.

I was thinking, maybe you could take me Christmas shopping for Mom.

We could go to the mall and wander around.

- We could get hot chocolate. - Know what? Already taken care of.

You're getting her a nice sweater that I ordered from a catalogue.

So we don't have to go to the mall together.

Isn't that great? It's an insane asylum this time of year.

A little more power.

- Did you see that? - Yeah.

You did?

Come on, kids. Carter, come on.

Oh, you guys have your own lot.

- Private. - It's great. Steve's worked on it for years.

So nice. Oh, this is amazing, honey. Look.

It's a nice tree, honey.

Nice? It's perfect. A 12-foot silver noble.

Yes, sir, this is the way God intended trees to look.

What do you do? Chop 'em down or launch 'em?

Laugh all you want. But I got the next five years of trees lined up.

And each one of them is perfect. No twisted trunks, no bald spots.

Well, it's certainly a dandy tree, I'll give you that.

Honeys, let's go.

- Yeah, Dad, let's find a really big one. - But it has to be pretty.

Hey.

The last ones to the car are losers.

Please. It's not like it's a race.

- Give me the axe. No way he beats us. - Honey, you said he could cut it down.

Well, he can do it next year. Come on, give me the axe.

- It's all right, sweetheart. - What's the record?

Well, Dad, I think I wrote it down in my diary, but I must have forgot.

Funny. But we'll be halfway home by the time he...

Does anyone smell gas?

Well, it's probably me, but cut me some slack, I'm swinging pretty hard.

Oh, my God!

- Sweetheart, do something. - What? What happened?

- We're ruining the forest. - What's happening?

- No, it's got the fence too. - The trees.

The little one. The little one.

15 years. 15 years I've been growing those trees.

He obviously didn't mean to do it, honey. It was an accident.

He did offer to cut you down a tree, Dad.

Finches always have a silver noble tree. It's a tradition, and thank God they had one left.

You get the tree, son.

All right, here we go. Keep it up. That's a girl.

I'm pretty sure you broke the record cutting this one down, Dad.

Better there?

Better there?

Better one? Better two?

- I can't believe you made it. - Hi, guys.

- Hi, guys. - Merry Christmas.

Hi, thanks for coming. Merry Christmas.

Honey, the girls are having so much fun showing everybody the lights.

I pray that's all they're showing 'em. You coming?

- I'll run a sequencer on the lights. - Buddy!

- Synchronise it to the music. - Are you deaf?

These people are depending on me to give 'em something amazing.

And that's just what I'm gonna do.

Is it me? Oh, God.

A good idea to have a fire extinguisher around.

You think?

Oh, no.

More lights? No.

Buddy. Buddy.

- Hey, what are you doing? - Hi, Steve.

- More lights? - Is that your shop across the street?

- This is wrong. All this has to go back. - What do you think of the tree for Winterfest?

- Well... - Steve, I was talking to Buddy here.

I mean, after all, he is the expert.

- Come on, would you have a look? - Watch my stuff, Steve.

Hi, folks. Everything's free today. Anything you want.

I love the coloured strands of lights. The spacing is great.

- Thank you. - Ornaments, well dispersed.

Oh, yes.

I see you're using my bulb of choice, the C9.

Very nice. That adds a lot of class to that tree. I love it.

- Thank you. - Really good.

- He likes it. - Hey, Steve, that... that is a tree.

Yes, it is. Yeah. Listen, we need to get something straight.

Around here, I'm the Christmas guy.

- Really? - Yeah, it's kind of my thing.

Chris has Memorial Day. Pete has the Fourth of July, but I have Christmas.

But, hey, you can have Halloween.

- Oh, good. Halloween? - Yeah, sure.

Pumpkins in the yard, a skeleton or two.

You can jump out and scare people. What do you think?

I don't think so. This Winterfest thing, what is this all about?

It's our annual Christmas carnival.

We have a show, games, ice sculpture, races.

I happen to be the chairman. It's a pretty prestigious position.

- Races? What kind of races? - Speed skating.

We do it here. They put the ice down here on Main Street.

I used to do a little speed skating myself.

Really? Well, so did I.

- Excuse me. Wallace Fiskin. - Buddy Hall.

Sir, meeting you is one of the great moments of my life.

Thank you. It's a pleasure to meet you.

So, anyway... How do you feel about the liberal use of mistletoe?

Well, I feel that you should go sparingly around the threshold,

because that's a clich?

Please. Please.

- My mission is clear. - Thank you.

Good luck. Would you take this inside for me?

Steve. Oh, Steve.

I guess I'm the new Christmas guy.

That's OK. You can take Toe Jam Day.

This isn't over yet. We're just getting started.

I'm the Christmas guy. I'm the Christmas guy!

Honey, Tiajust gave me a great idea.

- I'm gonna write my own cookbook. - That's my girl.

Tia gave you the idea? I've been telling you to do that for years.

You know what? It should be cookbook for real moms who cook for real families.

Yes. And I have the title for you.

Food Food with Kelly Finch.

I love it!

Dad, there's 50 singing dorks waiting in the front yard.

50? Isn't that great?

You know what? You are gonna help me write the cookbook.

- OK. I'd be happy to. - Yes!

Kids.

Oh, nice.

- Where are your clothes? - Calm down, Dad. I have ajacket.

Well, keep it zipped.

- Where are the twins? - They'll be over when the boys come.

Boys? Boys? Madison is not allowed to date.

Honey, don't worry, it's a one-time thing. They ship out next week.

- They're in the navy? - Bye, Dad.

Wait! Wait!

Wait! Wait!

Thank you for coming, and thank you for braving the insanity.

I have the songbooks here, so pass them amongst yourselves.

Do you have "There's An Acorn In My Stocking"?

Do you have "The Ignorant Snowman"?

- I don't think I do. - There's a news crew over at the Halls'.

Yeah, it really is quite a spectacle.

I thought that we would start with one of my very favourites.

"The Holly and the lvy". Pitch pipe.

Oh, I'm sorry. Hi.

- Have a good time. Sing away. - Sorry, honey.

Thanks for coming.

- I love that song! - No, wait. Wait, come back.

Come back here. We're not done with rehearsal.

Come back. We're going caroling. It's a tradition. Everybody...

Honey. You!

I'm not going anywhere.

Where are the kids?

Oh, look. They're going to be making kissing and so.

Kissing and so.

Hello, there. We're from Channel Eight News, and we would love to have an interview.

Hi. I'm just very happy that everyone likes the lights.

Yes, indeed. Obviously you have put an awful lot of work into this.

Yeah. And I'm nowhere near being finished.

Oh, are you kidding me? Jesus!

Look at that. The lights have brought out the Christmas spirit in everyone.

Yeah. They bring out the Christmas spirit in everybody.

- Yeah, I'm really happy about that. - Oh, my gosh.

I'm not gonna stop until I have

the biggest and brightest light display in the world.

- Oh, please. - I also...

I really want my house to be seen...

from space!

Oh, my God!

- Outer space. - Oh, God!

Honey, wait. What are you gonna do?

You heard him, didn't you? This is gonna stop. Tonight.

We'll see what Sheriff Dave has to say.

Does anybody know who these RVs belong to? Anybody?

- Why? You want to make me an offer? - No, I need to get out.

OK. Scoot on through.

- I don't know. - I swear to God, men can't drive any more.

Hold my beer, I'll do it for you.

OK, OK, I'll do it, I'll do it. Just guide me out.

All right.

You could probably use a few more lights on your house. Look at that thing.

- All right, you ready? - You sure?

That's why I'm here, buddy. Don't worry. I'm watching you. I'm watching.

A little bit to your right. No, no, your other right.

- Yeah, come on. - I can't see the other side at all.

No, that's OK. I'm your eyes. I'm your eyes.

- Straight back. - Doesn't look like enough room to me.

- God! - Oh, boy!

Oh, that's ugly.

OK, OK. It's all right. At this point, it's like pulling off a Band-Aid.

You gottajust gun it. You know what I mean?

OK, you ready?

One, two...

Gun it!

Get out of the way, please. Excuse me.

This is an active roadway. Please. Oh, come on.

Sheriff, do something about my neighbour's house.

Oh, yeah, the Hall place. I take my kids by there every night after dinner.

It keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Yes. Well, that's why I want you to arrest him.

Arrest him? On what charge?

- Light trespass. - Light trespass?

Uh-huh.

Yes. Light trespass.

"When bright, uncontrolled light shines in neighbouring property or windows

as to cause a public nuisance."

Well, I'm public and I've been nuisanced.

Well, I can't arrest a man for dec... What are you looking at?

- What? This? - No. I...

I don't mind if you wear a bra. Looks like a nice one.

It's a brace. My wife made it for me.

I dislocated my shoulder and it keeps popping back out. What did you think?

- Did you think I was wearing a bra? - No. That would...

That would be crazy.

Now, as far as the lights are concerned,

I'm saying it's Christmas and you have a lot on your mind with Winterfest,

but if you want to file a complaint, I'll fill out the paperwork.

I do. Thank you. I appreciate it. I will file a complaint.

Now, where is that form?

Ah, yes. Ah, here we are.

Dr Finch?

Yo.

Sleigh man.

What happened? I woke up and you were gone. What are you doing out here?

Honey, you've really been doing a lot of work.

- Yeah. - It looks amazing.

I guess the light thing is pretty stupid, isn't it?

Oh, honey.

Yeah, it is.

It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You want our lights to be seen from space.

Certifiable.

- I'll take 'em all down tomorrow. - You touch one bulb on that house

and you've seen the last of my special holiday offers. You know what I mean.

- You said they looked stupid. - It's crazy.

But all good ideas are crazy.

- These are lights. - Oh, come on.

I think we both know it means more to you than just lights.

Who knows?

It might turn out to be...

something monumental.

- I can always count on you, can't I? - Sure.

Oh, cow. We'll have buttermilk pancakes tomorrow.

- What is he up to now? - Animals for a live manger scene.

Unbelievable. Is that a camel?

Look at that. He is sweet.

Yep. Can't wait to run my kids by.

If you wanna make sure they see it, bring 'em tonight.

Let's light this candle.

What are you doing?

Oh, I...

What are you doing up anyway?

It's late. You should go to bed. Zip up your coat.

You're gonna cut his power, aren't you?

Need a lookout?

SpongeBob, this is SquarePants. The tiger is in the cage.

Roger that, SquarePants.

- I'm going in. - Roger.

Stop!

Ashley, ouch!

This is the best Christmas ever.

Emily, stop.

The tiger is off the enclosure.

What? What channel are you on? Hello?

He's coming! Hide!

Oh, good Lord.

That's disgusting.

No. No, get away from me.

Well, go, before he comes back.

Pardon me.

Yeah, I oughta...

Jackpot.

Mission accomplished.

Yeah! Yeah!

Hi, hon. Couldn't sleep?

What the hell are you doing over there?

Oh, my God. You smell. Were you with the camel?

I did it. I did it. The lights are off. Isn't it great?

Little help, please. Sorry, Mom.

- It was his idea. - Get him down right now!

All right. But, tonight, when you're getting your best sleep in weeks, remember I did it.

The lights are off. The lights are finally...

Now we're talking!

You see that? That was a close one. The lights went out.

Yeah. We came right over to see if there was anything we could do to help, Buddy.

- What's that noise? - Oh, that? That's the Generac-3000.

Liquid-cooled generator. Comes in really handy in a pinch like this.

- Very handy. - Everything seems to be in order here, honey.

I think we should go to bed. Good night, Buddy.

Excuse me. Is that your son dangling from that telephone pole?

Hi, Mr Hall.

- We're having him tested. - Oh, yeah.

Well, good night. Thank you very much.

Go get him right now!

Coming, Carter.

Finch!

Where's my paper?

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Kelly.

He's messing with the wrong hombre. I'm making the call.

The Neighbourhood Association are not gonna stand by with this...

What is it?

How did this get here?

- Buddy. - Really?

Hey, Dad. What's that car doing in our driveway?

- It's beautiful. - This is awesome. I call shotgun.

If you don't like the colour, we can change it.

Buddy? Buddy, the tree? A car?

It's an amazingly generous gesture, but we can't possibly accept it.

Yeah. It's too much.

- But we don't wanna be rude. - Steve.

Well, I drive a car with no doors. We live in Massachusetts. I could die.

The car is yours. I'm not gonna take no for an answer.

After all I put you through, that's all there is to it.

The keys are inside. Enjoy.

- Thank you so much. - This is great.

- Enjoy. - Thank you.

I'll get the electrician to fix the fuse box.

- Yes, I think you'd better. - I will.

Guys, what happened?

Vandals.

They took a chainsaw to it last night. Stole the whole thing, decorations and all.

Gee.

Nah.

He couldn't have. It can't be the same tree.

- Dr Finch, this is from the car dealer. - Oh, probably the documentation...

They say you have to pay by lunchtime or you'll be arrested.

Arrested? Arrested? But that car...

- Bob, you wanted to see me? - Yeah. Hey, Buddy, come on in here.

Grab a seat. Let me just send that important thing off there.

Look, I know you think I'm young and maybe a little inexperienced,

but the truth is you don't get to where I am

without knowing a thing or two about the art of selling cars. Huh?

Actually, Bob, you got to where you are because your dad owns the business.

Look, yeah, we're getting off task here. It's not important.

What's important is this month's sales figures. They just came in...

Bob, I should be out there selling cars.

Whoa, hold up there. Come on. Come on back inside here.

Look, you're a great salesman, everybody knows that. All right?

But the problem is your numbers are way down, Buddy.

You can't sell cars if you're never here.

Bob...

It's the lights, the Christmas lights.

See, all my life I've been looking for that one thing,

that one important thing.

And I've always quit everything I started.

I can't quit this, Bob. I gotta finish this.

Right. Well, if finishing those lights means more time away from work,

then you're not gonna have ajob to come back to when you're done.

- Buddy Hall, customer in the showroom. - Duty calls.

Hey, Steve.

What is this? Hey, what is this? What's inside here?

I don't have my X-ray goggles with me,

but I'm guessing that's the bill to the new car you bought.

I didn't buy a car. You gave me a car. And I know about the tree.

Tree? The tree? What tree? I don't know about any tree.

And unless they have film on it, you don't know about any tree.

They don't have film on it, do they?

You chopped down the town tree and stuck it in my living room,

and you made me believe that car was a present.

Steve, if you would have looked at the bill,

you'd have noticed that I shaved my commission by almost a third,

which in most circles is quite a substantial gift.

Well, your gift is parked outside.

Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, you cannot walk away from your obligations.

- You signed the contract. - I didn't sign anything.

No, that's true. You didn't sign anything.

I had to forge your signature, otherwise they wouldn't let me drive the car out of here.

OK, that's it, that's it. We are going to settle this like men.

Who?

- I'm gonna contact my attorney. - Contact your attorney?

Is the way you settle things like men? Your mommy out of town?

OK, that's it. You wanna go? Let's go outside right now!

Let's do it. I'm gonna kick your ass!

Take it easy, Jackie Chan.

Relax. We're not barbarians.

What do you wanna do?

Well, there's the little Winterfest coming up.

And in the Winterfest, there is an ice-skating race.

Yeah.

Yeah, great idea.

Great idea. You win, I buy the car. I win, you take down the lights.

Deal.

Tree sap.

It's a beautiful car. It's fully loaded.

You spared no expense.

Keep your eye on the frozen ball.

I'm gonna knock the little hairs off that little Russian guy.

- Do it. Do it like I know you can. - Little wooden man going down.

- Zingo! - Touchdown.

Come on, son. Let's show him how it's done.

- Hello, Steve. - Hello.

- OK. Give him five dollars, son. - My dad's gonna win.

- Ah, southpaw. - Watch and learn.

Look at them. Why are they working so hard at hating each other?

I don't know. Why can't they just be quiet and do it with a big smile like normal neighbours?

Yeah.

That mean man knocked down the old lady.

- He just winged her. - That's gonna swell up.

Not too late to back out, Finch.

- What are they doing now? - This is just getting embarrassing.

On your mark, get set...

Wait.

They're acting like a bunch of 12 year olds.

I don't know... Let's just... I can't.

Buddy! Buddy!

You! Come on. Come with me. Come on.

- You two have tweaked my last nerve. - She's right. This is crazy.

I don't care if it takes all day. You're gonna stand here and work it out.

- There's nothing to work out. - You see?

You can't talk to a guy like this. It's a waste of time.

- Why'd you hit me? - I don't know. She started it.

Don't be such babies.

This is important to us. And it better be important to you too. Talk it out.

Talk it out.

What are we supposed to say?

- There is nothing that we could agree on. - You got that right.

OK, everybody, now let's give a nice, warm Winterfest welcome to...

the Santa Babies.

Now, that is something we can agree on. I mean, that's got it going on.

Look at that.

- Well, you're a guy, right? - Yeah, I'm a guy.

Hey! Hey!

Is it getting hot out here or is itjust you girls?

Oh, nice dip.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Hey, baby, who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy?

Oh, God. I'm your daddy. I'm your daddy!

- I'm your daddy. Oh, God! - My eyes! My eyes!

My eyes. My eyes.

- We're going to hell. - You think I don't know that?

I let myself think you were a normal guy and this is what happens.

You blame me for this? "Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?"

The annual Winterfest speed skating races will begin in five minutes.

In the world of sport, it has no equal.

Modern-day gladiators throwing caution to the wind,

risking their very lives for a chance at immortality.

OK, so they're not risking their lives, but they are skating pretty fast. And it's really cool.

It's Winterfest's ninth annual speed skating race.

OK, is that everybody?

Well, looks like somebody got cold feet.

- Let's start the race. - Wait!

Wait.

Wait.

Very nice. Very nice suit.

Looks like you're smuggling two chicken nuggets up there.

It's a skin suit. I raced in college.

- Go, Dad. - Thank you, Carter.

Dad, Dad, he's our man, if he can't do it, nobody can. Dad!

On your mark.

- Honeys. - Get set.

Go!

Oh! Finch is down!

Finch is down and he looks bad.

Wait. He's back up.

He's on his feet and he's skating fast, but he's got a lot of ice to catch up.

And into the first turn, it's Buddy Hall, Gustave and Gerta.

Finch really appears to be struggling as he heads for the straightaway.

Wait. Mayor Eugene Young has yet to leave the starting line.

You're going the wrong way!

Gustave and Gerta make their move on Buddy in turn three.

And they've taken the lead.

Buddy Hall seems to be running out of gas.

The crowd urges him on, but it may not be his day.

Wrong-way Finch slips past Gustave and Gerta and is really pouring it on.

Finch has got to make his move now or else.

He jumps the bales, almost taking out Buddy in the process.

Miraculously, Steve Finch has taken the lead going into the final turn!

Steve Finch has a huge lead.

- Nothing can stop him now! - Yeah!

Finch is sent sprawling! Oh, the carnage.

And it's Buddy Hall by a nose! Buddy Hall wins the race!

Buddy Hall is our new champion!

Buddy! Buddy! Buddy! Buddy! Buddy!

Thank you. Thank you.

I will be back with the payment booklet for your new car, Flash.

Yeah, fine, fine, but the last time I looked at the satellite pictures,

you still couldn't see your house.

Not a flicker, not a blip.

How's that feel, huh? Huh?

How's it feel to be invisible?

Huh?

What?

OK, let's go over it. The LED lights, the grid, the wires, the shipping, the handling.

Everything, the whole ball of wax. How much, out the door?

How much? What?

Are you serious?

What is that? In yen?

Is that with the discount?

Can you get it here overnight?

Buddy! Buddy Hall!

- Hi, honey. - This is a bad dream. This isn't happening.

No, no, I'm just going to take a couple of these branches off...

I'm not talking about the trees!

I'm talking about this.

- What's that? - You know what this is.

This is the stand to my vase. You pawned it, didn't you?

You pawned my grandmother's vase.

Well, how am I supposed to afford a camel on a car salesman's salary?

And then I went for a loan, and if you don't have ajob...

You lost yourjob?

That was a pretty awkward way for you to find that out.

But don't worry about it. I can sell anything to anybody.

Not me. Not any more.

Honey, things are gonna get better.

When? I'm tired of waiting, Buddy.

Waiting for you to find the rightjob, the right town.

Waiting for you to find that one true thing that makes you happy.

I think this is it.

You see, that's just the thing, Buddy.

I just thought you might wake up one day and see that itjust might be me.

That itjust might be your family.

You know what? I'm done.

Oh, honey. Come on. Don't.

- Cords! Cords are everywhere! - Please, baby... No.

Oh, no, honey.

Buddy Hall's Christmas wish is to make his house bright enough

to be visible notjust from miles around,

but from space.

Oh, right...

When we heard about Mr Hall's quest, if you will,

we downlinked images from his general area as often as possible.

I can show you, if you'd like to take a look.

Right... Nothing yet.

Wow. Thank you for that.

This may be one Christmas wish even Santa can't grant.

Hi, everybody. Thanks for coming.

I'm really happy that you came tonight. I hope you enjoy these lights,

cos I did 'em all for you.

And for my family.

And for my wonderful neighbours across the street.

Thank you.

Tia!

Tia!

Come back!

If you missed anything, this show is gonna be repeated

every night on a loop until 4am.

I can't take it any more.

Well, me neither, but you've gotta take some of the blame.

- You hear that? - Yeah.

Hear that? It's getting louder. He wants to play rough? I can play rough.

Steve, where are you going? Steve!

I hear if someone's in the market for something with a little pop,

you're the guy.

Maybe. Could be the guy.

Depends on what you're looking for.

Don't let the reindeer pyjamas fool you, pal. I'm not playing around.

- I'm looking to do some serious damage. - Yeah? Cool.

You've come to the right place. I've got enough firepower back here for two wars.

I got reapers, crackle dragons,

wagon wheels, throbbing copperheads.

- Great. I'll take 'em all. - What's this for, man?

I'm gonna shoot them at my neighbour's house and hopefully give him a heart attack.

Cool. In that case, you need this.

- The atomic warlord. - Wow.

Yeah.

Good night, Steve.

Good night, Buddy.

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

You want lights, Buddy? You want lights? I'll show you lights.

Oh, yeah! Yeah, how do you like that?

Yeah, sleep through that, Buddy.

Huh? Huh?

Yeah!

How's that feel, huh? Hey, you think they can see that from space, Buddy?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

How does it feel to have your whole world exploding around you?

Oh, no!

Oh, gosh.

Steve? Where are you? What's happening? Honey?

Oh, God. I really wish that hadn't happened.

Honey?

Kelly! Kelly!

You sure you've been watering that thing? It went up awfully fast.

- Are you kidding me? - Fire extinguisher.

Yeah, yeah. Faulty Christmas lights, an underwatered tree.

What can I say? We're a cautionary tale.

So the fact you apparently purchased an illegal-grade military firework

and set it off in your own home had nothing to do with it, huh?

That could have been a contributing factor.

What about this?

Never seen that before in my life.

You're getting to be a knot in my panties, mister.

A real knot.

All right, let's go.

Hey, kids. What are you...?

Where are you going, huh?

- Hey, Madison. What's going on? - Father.

Kelly. Kelly, what are you doing?

Trying to salvage part of this Christmas for the kids.

Wait. You're leaving? You're lea...

Come on, it's not that bad. It's not that bad.

Most of the smoke damage was in the family room.

And on the bright side, you always hated that wallpaper.

- Now that high-pressure hoses have ripped... - We're gonna stay with Tia and the twins.

Come on, Kelly, don't do that. Don't let thatjerk ruin our Christmas.

- The only jerk ruining Christmas is you. - Me?

- Yeah. - Me? I'm trying to save Christmas.

Really? What is your favourite Christmas memory?

Well... Well, you know what it is.

I was seven years old. My dad and I moved to Alabama,

and on Christmas morning we woke up and sat on the kitchen floor,

ate fries and drank chocolate milk.

Yeah, exactly. It wasn't planned. It wasn't organised.

Nobody entered it in a BlackBerry. Itjust happened.

Our family is so busy, we have to plan things out.

No. You, you are the busy one.

You said our kids needed Christmas more than ever. No.

What they need more than ever is you.

Carter wanted to go Christmas shopping with you.

He wanted to cut down that tree with you. And Madison, well...

Madison's a teenage girl so she ignores you, but if you'd been paying attention,

you'd have seen that she wants you to know she's not a little girl.

That's a message I got pretty clear.

You just don't get it.

Christmas traditions are born in those little chocolate-milk-and-French-fry moments,

and you can't control it.

We don't fit in the tiny little boxes on your Christmas calendar.

Oh, don't.

What will I eat?

Wait, Kelly. Don't. Wait.

Steve. What happened to your house? Did you have a fire?

Are you telling me you weren't even home last night?

No. Tia and the girls went and stayed in a motel.

I spent all night throwing little pebbles at their window.

You missed the whole...

Oh, that's nothing. That's nothing. That's just...

The kids probably left it out here last night.

It's just a wire that goes...

I knew it. You've been stealing my power.

Borrowing. Look, it's an extension cord. It goes both ways.

I was gonna shoot it back to you after the holidays.

Fine, you win. You win. The skating, the lights, the trees.

You've been two steps ahead of me. But you know what?

You're still a screwup,

and that doesn't change because you put some lights on the roof.

Hey, pal.

You're gonna be spending Christmas alone, like the rest of us screwups.

How do you like that?

Tootie, where are you?

No, no. But we're luckier than lots of families because we're really going.

Wait till you see the fine home we're going to have.

And the loads and loads of friends we'll make.

Wonderful friends.

But the main thing, Tootie, is that we're all going to be together,

just like we've always been.

That's what really counts.

We could be happy anywhere as long as we're together.

I see you're taking down all the lights.

Oh, you noticed?

What are you, some kind of genius?

Apparently not.

I can't do it, Buddy.

I can't spend Christmas without them.

Tell me about it.

This is awful.

It's killing me.

And you know Tia.

She's so stubborn. She won't even talk to me.

I tried everything.

Maybe not everything.

Girls, come over here and help us decorate the tree.

Mom, you're hanging booze from the minibar on a branch that you got out of a car bumper.

Pardon me for not being in the Christmas spirit.

- We're making the best of it. - Girls, put those books down.

Get your butts over here. Are you reading?

Emily Dickinson. Madison gave it to us. It's really good.

Yeah, it's not giving me a headache or anything.

Maybe I should go to law school or something.

Hey, Mom, look.

Carter, get back here.

I'll get him. Carter, get back here, you little fart.

Mom, you won't believe this. You guys have to come.

Carter.

It's like a path. Let's see where it goes.

Oh, my...

It's just unbelievable. What do you think, sweetie?

Mom, look at this one.

This is amazing.

Take a picture!

I can't believe it.

Mom, all these lights were Dad's lights.

- I begged you to let me do the yams. - You have no feeling for starches.

- Your three bean salad is bad. - You expect me to do the salad

and the fiesta corn?

We thought maybe you'd be hungry.

If you thought some lights and a TV dinner would make up for all the crap that I have...

- Is that what I think? - We didn't have time to do a turkey.

So we made a few things from your new cookbook.

I got you this little pre-Christmas gift.

I missed you so much.

Oh, gosh, how did you afford it? How did you ever afford it?

Let's just say we're not gonna use our credit cards for the rest of our lives.

- You've been busy. - Kelly, I'm so sorry.

It's just everything got so... You think you're doing the right things for the right reasons

and then one day you blow up your house.

And it occurs to you that somewhere along the way, things got out of hand.

It seemed like your whole life got so loud

that the only thing you were gonna hear was an empty house.

You're right.

You were right. And you were right to leave.

You were. I understand. You were all right to leave. And I'm so glad you're back.

- So I can date now? - Sailors during wartime? No.

But you are growing up, so I guess I have to get used to that.

- Mr Hall, you took down all your lights. - Yeah, I thought it would be better.

- I bet it would have worked. - It might have.

I bet they could have seen us from space.

We'll never know.

Then again, maybe you will.

Oh, my...

Look, I'm sorry.

You all have to go home. There are no lights tonight.

No, but there will be.

- Buddy, what's happening? - I don't know.

I told them Buddy was short on lights and maybe they'd like to come and help out.

How many people did you call?

You have no idea how bad the eyesight is in this town.

MTV is sending someone down to do a story on Buddy's lights.

- They don't know he took 'em down. - Which is why we'd better put 'em back up.

Are you just gonna stand there or are you gonna help me do this?

Let's go.

- Oh, it's beautiful. - Thank you so much.

And keep those truck lights on too. Those are good too.

Thanks for coming. It's really nice of you. Beautiful. Good to see you.

Steve, you're doing an excellentjob. You got a future in this.

Happy holidays. SuChin Pak coming to you live from Cloverdale, Massachusetts,

where the whole town has come out

to see if Buddy Hall, a local car salesman, can achieve the impossible.

He's put up a Christmas light display that can hopefully be seen from space.

The folks at MyEarth have been monitoring the situation live.

Guys, thanks so much for spending your holiday plans with us.

Oh, no, that's no trouble at all.

Basil's mum stopped by with a tin of biscuits, so we're just having a laugh.

Oh, good... good times.

They're gonna do it. They're gonna turn on the lights.

All right. It looks like the moment has finally arrived.

Let's do this as a family. Come on.

- Put your hand on it. - Buddy, everybody ready?

- Yeah. - On the count of three.

One, two, three.

People worked so hard. They're gonna be so disappointed.

I'm gonna go get some candles.

OK. All right. I need light.

Wanna borrow my phone?

Hey, Dad. Wouldn't it be great if we could do this every Christmas?

What do you think?

Yeah. Yeah, we could use some new traditions around here.

Buddy, I really like this town.

Do you think maybe you could ask for yourjob back and we could stay here?

- Yeah, I like it too. - You do?

I'll get my job back. I'll get my job back.

Hey, Steve, I know everything got really crazy,

but I just wanted you to know that when we first met, I wasn't lying.

I really did want to be your friend.

I know you did. I should have let you.

It's Christmas. Anything can happen.

Can we start over?

Nice to meet you. I'm Steve Finch. You are?

Buddy Hall.

- Merry Christmas, Buddy. - You too, Steve. Yeah.

- He bloody well did it. - I'm getting confirmation.

Yes. Yes.

The house is clearly visible from space!

Oh, my God.

- I'm so proud of you! - You can see it from space!