Killer Vacation

(upbeat march plays) ♪ Good morning, USA! ♪ ♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ ♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪ ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ Aah! ♪ Good morning, USA! ♪ Oh, Stan, I can't believe we're actually going on vacation. And the resort has so many activities! Parasailing, snorkeling, Bellacore Printing Company East Medford New Jersey... We can go whale watching! You ain't doing shit with us. Mommy? Your father's been working nonstop lately, and he and I are spending our vacation reconnecting, alone. I guess I'll just hang with Jeff then. No can do. I'll be spending my time rolling naked on top of your sister. See, dude, our sex life is totally dead. I'd rather hump a garbage disposal than crawl up on there one more time. We're hoping vacation sex will get us back on track. This conversation has become too frank for my liking. So I guess I'll have fun with Roger then. It's been a year since my husband Omar passed. I just need to get away from the apartment. All those memories. Oh, God, you're gonna be this old bag all vacation? You show some respect for your elders. I lived through the Depression and four seasons of Caroline in the City! (cell phone ringing) Deputy Director Bullock. Oh, sir, I'm afraid I can't help. I'm going out of town... Yeah, I guess I could access the surveillance cameras with my phone. Stan? You promised, no work on vacation! Oh, I promise stuff all the time; it means nothing. So help me, if you work through another vacation, when we get back, I swear to God we're going to that marriage seminar we saw on TV. No! Not "Oh No He Didn't, Oh Yes He Did!" He promised me he'd help me flip the mattress. And then what happened? He went to the ball game instead. Oh, no, he didn't. WOMEN: Oh, yes, he did! She's so angry and flat-chested. Sorry, sir, I'm on vacation. (sighs): Ah, see? Isn't this nice and relaxing? You know, it really is. I don't miss the office at all. In fact, I'm going to e-mail the guys at the CIA a photo of us, and under the subject, I'm writing "Suck it!" 'Cause they're there and I'm here, and they can suck it. Pardon, would you mind taking our picture? I'd be happy to. It's a phone, but it also has a camera on it. I know. I have the same one. No, that's the 5GS. Top of the line. Yes. The 5GS. You're a gardener. Smile! (camera clicks) Hi, hello. I'm Joe, the outdoor activities director here. Just sign us up for everything! Ha, ha! Your enthusiasm is infectious. It has inspired me to do this! Oh, my God, I did it! I've never done that before! My confidence is soaring! I'm gonna try singing. (horrible grumbling noise) (screeching) (roaring) (cell phone ringing) It's my boss. Stan... No work on vacation. That's my motto. My motto is, "Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened." Why is this guy one-upping me? Why am I in competition with a gardener? (kids laughing) Excuse me, where's the hotel camp for older kids? This is the only camp. What?! Ginger snap? Ginger slap! Dude, run. This place is the worst. (British accent): Oh, I'm well aware. I have heard it rumored that on the other side of this isle lies a beach whose patrons are au natural. (New York accent): Yo-yo-yo, we talkin' full vee? We would have to cross the island by foot. A journey of several days through treacherous jungle. (normal voice): Well, usually I hide from danger like a big scaredy-***. But there's something about your accent. You know what, sure, let's do it! (New York accent): Hey, hey! What are you gonna do with that, huh?! Nothin'! Get outta here! You're a lovely couple. So, which one of you is the man? (sighs) Oh, Omar, you were always the one who was good at small talk. What am I going to do without you? Who's gonna set the recorder so I don't miss NCIS? I love that show! I haven't missed an episode! But if I did, it wouldn't matter. BOTH: 'Cause they're all the same! (both laugh) I'm Larry. Abigail. Abigail Lemonparty. This is my first vacation by myself since my wife departed. This is my first without Omar. Would you care for a Necco wafer? Oh. Mmm. Those people at Necco really know how to make a disgusting candy. So that was hotel sex. Still terrible. Tell me about it. I wanted it to be over so bad I just dumped some room service mayo on your back. Well, I guess that's it. We've been married two years and now our sex life is over. Francine, if you want to get to ten, you need to put the ball right here. You see where my swing is? Right there, right there. You're jamming me up. It's not about getting to ten. It's about enjoying each other. Oh, no, you're right, it's fun getting to eight. Then once to nine, but never ten. (cell phone ringing) Come on, no phone calls. Serve it! I got it! Deputy Director Bullock. BULLOCK: Smith, I happened to find something interesting when I zoomed in on the "suck it" photo you sent us. Why would you zoom in? Oh, no reason. (mouse clicks) The man in the background of this photo is Goran the Mutilator-- a war criminal who's been in hiding for years. But he's the outdoor activities director. He's a bloody monster. (mouse clicking) (computer beeps) I need you to kill him. Sir, I'm on vacation. And I promised my wife I wouldn't work. Smith, are you crazy? I'm giving you the opportunity to bring down a war criminal. Plus, you get 400 CIA bucks. Four-hundred?! Well? You can count on me. (panting) Okay, let's do this. 98... 99... 100! All right! Yeah! We did it! That guy. Today, we're going to learn the ancient art of making hip-hop necklaces. Look how great this is. No kids, no work. Just you and me. Uh, I'm gonna go make sure the people who live just outside the resort are super poor. Now, a lot of brothers like to represent the area code from whence they hail. Atlanta's 404 is quite popular. (panting) It's too far; I'll never make it. I have a plan. We mount a wild steed of our choosing and it shall whisk us away across this valley. Okay, sounds like a really bad idea, but that accent. (grunts) Yeah, let's do it! (neighing) It's working! (screaming) Off we go! My bones! (dolphins clicking) Stay away from that bad, bad man, you sweet, sweet dolphins. (silenced gunshot) Oh, my. (silenced gunshots) Oh, no. (silenced gunshot) Oh, the baby. Stan? (gasps) While you were out looking for poor people, you missed the entire class! Well, since we're here, let's just do the dolphin experience. Sorry, it's closed. Here's to a sexless marriage. I guess I'll stop shaving. Let the forest reclaim the land. I'm sorry, we didn't mean to overhear, but we used to be like you. But then we turned it around. How? We swap. Here's our number. Think about it. (chuckles): Oh, definitely, we will. Sounds good, right, babe? What a bunch of freaks! Freaks! We don't have to have sex with other people. We just have to get more creative. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Role playing! Role playing! Babe, that was... terrible. (sighs) Yeah, it was. I guess now I'll just use it for peeing. My eyesight has started failing me as I'm getting up there. I need large print books. Come on, you could easily pass for a woman in her early 70s. You, Larry Herman, are what my grandmother would call a... (speaks gibberish) She was from the old country. Don't miss her. Do you have any sunblock in your *** pack? It's a colostomy bag. Hey, chin up. You're alive; it doesn't matter where your poop goes. Getting mine to go anywhere at all is a big to-do. Bit of a home body, my poop. Likes to stay put. Abigail Lemonparty, would you like to go with me to the luau tonight? Oh, Larry. As my grandmother would say, as long as you're not a Puerto Rican. (sighs) This is nice. Just you and me, together. (cell phone vibrates) Francine, can I go get you a drink? I'm good. I'll run and get you some sunblock. I'm fine, Stan. All I want to do is lay here with you. I promised my buddy Chuck I'd help him move. Hate to leave you, but I'm the one with the pickup truck. (cell phone vibrates) That son of a *** is working. (cell phone vibrates) Come along. Doing the best I can, Liam. That horse really did a number on my hot dog. Oh, man, we have to turn back. Hogwash. What we must do is bind banana leaves to our arms and it will give us the additional lift that we need. This doesn't sound like a good idea. And your last one was terrible. But your accent, it's so convincing. You know what, let's do it! (grunts) (sighs): Oh. Tough day to be my hot dog. Mario, I met a very nice man today. He said he could never get tired of my laugh. (laughs) Oh. Looks like he met someone. Someone much younger. (farts) Excuse me, Mario, won't you? What happened to our plans, Larry?! I'm sorry, I don't know who you are. Poor woman. Dementia's a terrible thing. (quietly): Beat it, you old bag. You're a bad man, Larry! Go sit on a ham sandwich! With mustard! (sobbing) (people whispering) Mustard. (whispering continues) Ooh! You're trying to kill someone on our vacation! What-what, this? No, no, I signed us up for the couples' Magnum P.I. class. You're Higgins. I saw Bullock's text! Francine, look, the guy I'm after is a monster. He's exterminated entire villages. Well... (sighs) then I guess he deserves what we're gonna give him. Wait, "we"? Stan, we went on this vacation to spend time together, and that starts now. So, who do we have to kill? Joe, the activities director. Aw, but he's got such a sweet smile. I'm gonna shoot him in his face. Francine, are you sure about this? Look, the sooner we kill this guy, the sooner we can start enjoying ourselves. Oh, I signed us up for hot air ballooning at sunset. Think we'll nail this guy by then? I-I'm not, I'm not sure. Come on, what's so hard about it? Bam! Bam! Bam! I just killed that waiter, a baby and a fat guy on a Rascal. But, honey, Joe is the outdoor activities director. He's always surrounded by people. So kill 'em all. I think it's hot when you talk like that, but that's not how we do things at the CIA. Look, I just need you to get him alone, then I can shoot him. Okay, well, you figure it out while I take out these two. Bam! Bam! Should have done that a long time ago. Think you can prey upon the emotions of a fake elderly widow who had the courage to open her heart? Well, guess again! Hello there. I'm George Hamilton, 20 years ago. Oh, my God, I loved you! Would you like to play a set of tennis? Actually, she's with me. Oh, I see. Hey, how about we play a new game: what's in our *** packs? I have a scorecard from my last round of golf-- I shot a 206-- and a half-full Subway sandwich card. What's in yours? I don't think that's any of your... Zip! That's a strange thing to carry around. I like to leave mine in the toilet. Shall we? Hi. So we've decided to take you up on your proposition. Fantastic! You're doing the right thing for your marriage and your sex life. Oh. (both grunting) Thanks for the private lesson, Joe. Happy to do it. STAN (over earpiece): Francine. Yeah? Will you please just keep him in one place? But I can beat this guy, Stan. We're trying to kill him! Right. (chirps) Hey, little guy, gonna get yourself hurt there. (chittering) Aw, are you nursing? Did you lose your mommy? Go find your mommy. (makes gunshot noise) Oh. Oh, no-no-no. I'm not gonna kill you. I've killed enough animals today. (both grunting) Stan, what the hell? Why didn't you shoot him? A suicidal lemur's got my gun! (sighs) Oh, the hell with it. Ah! Francine! Ow! What are you doing?! You're Goran the Mutilator! You've killed thousands of innocent people and you're screwing up my vacation! Now die! You think you two can kill me? Stan, you're in the CIA; what do we do? Stan? Run! (slow-motion groaning) (silenced gunshots) (both panting) We lost him. (loud pop, both scream) (both sigh) (man and woman scream) (both scream) (grunts) Francine! (grunting) Oh, my leg! My, my, we can't let that get infected. We'll have to pack it with bees. (buzzing) Bees?! You want to put bees on my open wound?! They will clean it, like in the days of old. No, they used maggots to clean wounds. And what are maggots if not wingless bees? I don't know what it is about that accent. Okay, go ahead! Oh, it tickles. It must be working... (screams) Th-They're stinging me! Ow! Now th-they've crawled inside my body! Th-They're stinging me from the inside! You sound smart, like Hugh Grant the movie star, but you're stupid, like Hugh Grant the person! (both straining) You killed my wife! (screams) Francine? How... Thank you once again, hip-hop. Goran, I'm going to take great pleasure in killing you. What the...? You're welcome! That guy. When someone shoots your wife square in the chest, it really gets a man thinking. From now on, work comes second. Oh, Stan, that's all I want. Ugh, there's blood all over our clothes. And we don't have anything to change into. I don't think that's gonna be a problem. We made it! After all I've been through, the promised land! Oh, God, that's my mom! Oh, God, that's my dad! I didn't almost die to see them naked! (shuddering) Well, how about that one over there? Ah, that's my sister! Give us a look. Just let me make... triple sure... that it's her. (both moaning) Oh, my God, the spark is back, babe! We just needed the jolt of almost doing something completely crazy. And to think we nearly did it. Right, right. We didn't go through with it at all. Jeff, you have mayo on your back. Thank you, Omar! Thank you for showing me I can go on without you! I know what you did to our kids, you monster! (laughs) Why-why can't I leave things nice? Bye! Have a beautiful time.