Last Christmas

[Clara's bedroom] (It is the day before Christmas in Clara's new home, with staircase and front door. All the decorations are up and that very rare meteorological event for London - snow in December - can be seen through the windows. A crash and a sudden heavy fall of snow past the bedroom window wakes Clara.) SANTA [OC]: Argh! (Bells jingle) Moron! Numbskull! Elf! IAN [OC]: That's racist! SANTA [OC]: Of course it's not racist, you are an elf. (Clara gets out of bed, puts on a dressing gown and opens the door onto the flat roof between three sides of the roof, and which has a skylight in the middle. She has the only entrance to it from her attic bedroom. There are wrapped presents and small orange fruit scattered all around. Three figures are looking at a sleigh standing on its end against the -)

[Clara's roof]

SANTA: Chimneys? IAN: I'm sorry! SANTA: I'm just checking that you can see these massive chimneys. IAN: I, er, they, they're hard to miss. SANTA: Well, as you've clearly demonstrated, Ian. WOLF: Donner! Donner and Blitzen. Come on down. Down here, boys. (There are three members of species Rangifer tarandus flying around, bells jingling on their harness, and one has a glowing red nose. This is, of course, impossible.) WOLF: Good boys, good boys. Good boy. Rudolph? SANTA: Just, just clear all the tangerines up. Pick 'em up. All of them, Ian. IAN: You know no one really likes the tangerines, don't you? (We now see that this is Dan Starkey out from under the Strax makeup.) SANTA: How dare you! That's my signature gift. That and the walnut. WOLF: Down here, boys, come on. Come. Rudolph? (Wolf the elf kindly has his name embroidered on the back of his jacket. Ian looks up from gathering tangerines.) IAN: Er, sir? We've been seen. SANTA: Hello. CLARA: Hello. WOLF: Hello, ha ha! IAN: Hello, human. WOLF: You can't call her human. IAN: It's not racist. They don't mind. SANTA: Hush up, both of you. Oh, sorry about this, girl. We are just three passing, perfectly ordinary roof people, doing some emergency roof things. Carry on. Merry Christmas. If, if it is Christmas, I mean. Heh, heh. I don't much care for things like that, myself. Pfft. I mean, Christmas. (laughs) CLARA: Are you Santa Claus? SANTA: Me? No. Oh, no. It's ridiculous. Heh, heh. No, no, no. (But then Clara sees the reindeer fly past behind him.) WOLF: Rudolph! Rudolph! Down here now! SANTA: All right, fine, yes. Yes, it's me. Ha! Guilty. How did you recognise me? WOLF: You know how you grew that beard as a bit of a disguise? People have picked up on it. CLARA: Okay. No. Hang on. Stop. Shut up. What? Seriously, you, you're Father Christmas. You're real. SANTA: Of course I'm real. WOLF: How could he not be real? SANTA: Huh? How do you think those presents got under the tree every year? By magic? CLARA: Well, I thought it was my mum and IAN + WOLF: Mum and Dad? SANTA: Ho, ho! IAN: Well, of course it was. WOLF: I mean, it makes perfect sense. IAN: Yeah, your mum and dad, one day a year, for no particular reason, just out of the blue, suddenly decide to give you a great, big pile of presents. (So no one there knows about the tradition of gift giving on Dec 25th, and that Santa Claus is really Sinterklass which is Dutch for Saint Nicholas who had a reputation for secret gift giving, and whose day is 7th Dec. Tut. What is modern education coming to?) WOLF: No, no, no. Because they love you so much. It's a lovely story, dear. IAN: Yeah, but it's time to start living in the real world, yeah? (Santa has got his notebook out.) SANTA: Okay. Right. Clara Oswald. Mostly favours travel books, science kits, strict ban on hair products. Marginal for the naughty list, '93. Tut, tut, tut. Believer until the age of nine. Why did you stop? CLARA: Because you're a fairy tale. I grew out of fairy tales. SANTA: (sighs) Did you, Clara? Did you really? (The Tardis materialises next to Clara's roof door.) DOCTOR: Clara, I want you to step inside the Tardis. I don't want you to talk, I want you to do as I ask. Please. IAN: That was good, with the box. WOLF: Hmph. Not often we get upstaged on a rooftop. Hmm. DOCTOR: Yes, I'm really here. I'm back. Now get inside the Tardis. (Clara obeys silently and shuts the door.) DOCTOR: I know what this is. I know what's happening, and I know what's at stake. SANTA: I don't think you do, Doctor. But I promise, before this Christmas Day is done, you will be glad of my help. DOCTOR: Happy Easter. (He goes into the Tardis.) WOLF: Ooh, brutal! IAN: Cool exit line, though. SANTA: Be sure to save some room for a tangerine, Doctor. DOCTOR: Nobody likes the tangerines.

[Tardis]

CLARA: I'm really back here. This is, this is real, yeah? (The Doctor starts setting coordinates.) CLARA: Doctor? Talk to me. I never thought I was going to see you again. What is going on out there? What's happening? (The time rotor starts spinning overhead.) CLARA: Oh, that noise. Never knew how much I loved it. DOCTOR: There's something you have to ask yourself, and it's important. Your life may depend on it. Everybody's life. Do you really believe in Santa Claus? CLARA: Do you know what? Yeah. Right now, here, I think I do.

[Corridor]

(On a massive icesheet, with green aurora borealis shimmering on the horizon, is a cluster of huts and vehicles with caterpillar tracks, and a satellite dish. Inside, a young woman is wearing a headset with a mini-cam and looking very nervous. A woman speaks to her through her earpiece.) ASHLEY [OC]: You are now twenty feet from the infirmary. In a moment, as soon as you're ready

[Control room]

(They have her on a monitor, and are recording the feed. The place is full of screens and illuminated keyboards, also dangling light bulbs and some easy chairs.) ASHLEY: We'll disable the security protocols. (An older Scots woman speaks.) BELLOWS: Your neural link is good and holding. We stand ready to abort and extract at the first sign of an anomaly. (The man in charge - Michael Troughton, son of the second Doctor, Patrick, speaks.) ALBERT: We're going to be with you

[Corridor]

ALBERT [OC]: Every step of the way, Shona. ASHLEY [OC]: We're all depending on you

[Control room]

ASHLEY: And we know you won't let us down. Shona, I'm opening the door. (Auto door lock system 036-8514//412 DR07 PURGE.)

[Corridor]

SHONA: I need the toilet!

[Control room]

BELLOWS: No, you don't. We're monitoring your bodily functions. SHONA [OC]: And how are you monitoring that? Cos that's rude!

[Corridor]

SHONA: That is perverted.

[Control room]

ALBERT: Do you remember my briefing, Shona?

[Corridor]

SHONA: Yeah. Well, no. I remember some of it.

[Control room]

ASHLEY: Some of it? BELLOWS: How much?

[Corridor]

SHONA: Till he put his hand on my knee.

[Control room]

SHONA [OC]: And then I was just grossing. ALBERT: It was intended as a comfort. BELLOWS: For whom? SHONA [OC]: All I could see was his nose, with all the little hairs coming out of it.

[Corridor]

SHONA: Have you seen those? It's like he's got insects trapped up there, all trying to escape with their wee, wiggly legs.

[Control room]

ASHLEY: Okay. Let's just go through this again.

[Corridor]

ASHLEY [OC]: There are four sleepers inside the infirmary. You're fine, so long as they don't wake up. BELLOWS [OC]: She's in range.

[Control room]

ASHLEY: Shona, I'm unsealing the infirmary.

[Corridor]

ASHLEY [OC]: From now on, everything you think and feel, everything you see, will be available to them.

[Control room]

ASHLEY: Most of it's fine, like traffic noise when you're sleeping, so long as you don't think about them.

[Corridor]

ASHLEY [OC]: So long as you don't look at them. So don't think about them

[Control room]

ASHLEY: Don't look at them.

[Infirmary]

(Beep and the doors slide open. There are figures on the beds covered in sheets.) SHONA: I thought there was going to be music. BELLOWS [OC]: We've got your playlist

[Control room]

BELLOWS: Ready to go. ASHLEY: Focus on the words of the song, try to remember what comes next.

[Infirmary]

ASHLEY [OC]: That will work like interference. BELLOWS [OC]: Here comes your earworm. (That perennial favourite earworm, Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade, starts playing.)

[Control room]

ASHLEY: Keep your eyes on the floor.

[Infirmary]

ASHLEY [OC]: Shut them, where possible. SLADE: Are you hanging up your stockings on the wall?

[Control room]

ASHLEY: Focus on the music and move forward through the infirmary. (Shona closes her eyes and moves to the beat.) SLADE: It's the time that every Santa has a ball. Does he ride a red-nosed reindeer? (Shona hums and goes into a dance.) SLADE: Does a ton-up on his sleigh? SLADE + SHONA: Do the fairies keep him sober for the day? BELLOWS: Oh, dear Lord, she's not actually ASHLEY: If dancing works, it works. ALBERT: This is insane.

[Infirmary]

SLADE + SHONA: So here it is, Merry Christmas, everybody's having fun.

[Control room]

ASHLEY: This is working.

[Infirmary]

SLADE + SHONA: Look to the future now, It's only just begun. Are you waiting for the family to arrive? Are you sure you've got the room to spare inside? (Warning Exterior door. Low temperature past this point. 01-180-2. The locking wheel starts to turn, then it opens. Shona, who is on her knees playing air guitar, screams.)

[Control room]

ASHLEY: Shona? Shona, what's wrong?

[Infirmary]

SHONA: We've, we've got ghosts! ASHLEY [OC]: Ghosts? SHONA: Yeah, yeah. It's a skeleton man and a girl in a nightie. (The Doctor and Clara enter. Clara has sensibly gained a parka and sheepskin booties. The door closes behind them.)

[Control room]

(They look at the figures on the beds.) CLARA [on monitor]: Doctor? SHONA [on monitor]: No, no, no, you're making me think about them.

[Infirmary]

SHONA: Don't make me think about them! CLARA: What are they? (The figures start to sit up slowly.) SHONA: Look. Just don't ask, yeah? And don't look. Don't make me think about them. (The sheets fall from their faces to reveal blank slimy carapaces. The Doctor scans them with his screwdriver as they get out of bed.) DOCTOR: Deaf. Blind. How can they see us? How do they even know that we're here? SHONA: They can only see you, yeah, if you see them. So just, so just don't look, don't even think about them. DOCTOR: Oh, telepathic. They can home in on their own image in someone else's brain. Third-party perception. Mind piracy. We're being hacked. CLARA: What does that even mean? (The Sleepers are all standing.) DOCTOR: The visual input from your optic nerve is being streamed to their brains. Stop broadcasting. Close your eyes. (Clara obeys. The images of the alien heads stretch and morph.) CLARA: They're still coming, aren't they? DOCTOR: It's because you're still thinking about them. So long as you retain them as an active memory, they can still home in. Think about something else. CLARA: How? SHONA: (sings) So here it is, Merry Christmas CLARA: Why is she singing? SHONA: Everybody's having fun DOCTOR: (sotto) She's running interference. She's trying to distract herself. Three hundred and four minus seventeen. CLARA: Sorry, what? DOCTOR: Plus twenty. Just do it! CLARA: Five hundred and seven. (Ooo, 200 out! Should started with 504, then.) (A crack like a mucus filled maw open in the carapaces.) DOCTOR: Minus fourteen, times four. CLARA: One thousand nine hundred and seventy two. DOCTOR: Stop being so good at arithmetic. CLARA: I can't help it! DOCTOR: Danny Pink! What is Danny Pink up to right now? He's probably flirting with your neighbour or texting women of low moral character. (After seeing Danny in her mind, Clara opens her eyes and slaps the Doctor's face, hard. The Sleepers, who are now very close to them, close their maws.) CLARA: (sotto) Don't you dare. Don't you dare say that. DOCTOR: I was only CLARA: Danny Pink is dead. (The Sleepers growl.) DOCTOR: No, he's not. CLARA: He's dead. (The infirmary door opens and the rest of the crew run in with very, very big guns.) ASHLEY: Go, run, now, now, now! (The Doctor turns to grab Shona.) DOCTOR: Come on, quick, quick, quick, come on! (Something like a glutenous spider drops down on a thread of mucus from the ceiling.) ALBERT: Here they come! (Then lots of them.) DOCTOR: No! (One heads squarely for the Doctor's face. Cut to exterior, and a big explosion which destroys the exterior door. A tangerine rolls in from the snow, followed by a troop of varicoloured slinkies and toy robots. Rudolph rears up, with Santa on his back, viewed through the hole where the exterior door used to be. Santa dismounts.) SANTA: Whoa, whoa! Ah! Good boy. (He walks into the infirmary, followed by Ian with a balloon toy, and Wolf with an air gun.) SANTA: Well, now. What seems to be the problem? This is the North Pole. We don't want any trouble here. (Rudolph bellows.) SANTA: Hey, Rudolph. (Santa uses his car key fob to 'lock' Rudolph. Beep!) SANTA: Easy, son. Oi! Sleepy heads! It's Christmas Eve, early to bed. (Santa claps his hands and the Sleepers return to their beds.) ASHLEY: Who the hell are you? DOCTOR: Oh, take a guess. Go on, push the boat out. Tooth Fairy, maybe? Easter Bunny? IAN: Shut your mouth, wise guy, or you get yours. WOLF: It's a balloon animal. IAN: That's a toy gun. WOLF: Yeah, well, at least it's unsuitable for children under four. Parts small enough to swallow, so watch out. (Santa sighs.) SHONA: Now, this is ridiculous. Am I, am I dreaming? DOCTOR: Oh, very good. ASHLEY: I need to know exactly who you are, and what's happening here. (Santa gently points her gun away from his midriff.) SANTA: Hello, Ashley. Lead scientist on a polar expedition. Oh, that microscope really paid off, didn't it? Now, your mum and dad wanted me to get you a toy one, but sometimes, I take a chance. ASHLEY: Who are you? Why are you dressed like that? SANTA: Why do you think? SHONA: Come on, this is mental. This is totally not happening. SANTA: I got three words, Shona. Don't make me use 'em. SHONA: What three words? SANTA: My. Little. Pony. SHONA: Shut up, you. SANTA: Yeah? I've got lots more, babe. SHONA: I will mark you, Santa. (Shona makes claws of her hands.) CLARA: Okay, Doctor, are you going to explain? What is going on? SANTA: It's an invasion, Miss Oswald. CLARA: An invasion of, of what, elves? WOLF: Whoa! That is racist. IAN: Elfist! WOLF: Yeah. Which is a bit hypocritical, from someone of your height. (Wolf is ever so slightly taller than Clara. Santa fetches a large transparent specimen container 16367//KB from his saddlebags.) SANTA: Huh? You seen them before, Doctor? DOCTOR: I've heard of them. SANTA: The Kantrofarri. DOCTOR: Colloquially known as the Dream Crabs. SANTA: Yeah. Depending on how many of those are already on Earth, the human race may well have seen its last day. So, are we going to stand about arguing about whether I'm real or not, or are we going to get busy saving Christmas? IAN: Oh, ho, ho! Santa goes badass! WOLF: He's giving me the feels. SANTA: Shut up. That's a, that's a verbal warning. Please, stop it.

[Laboratory]

CLARA: Is it dead? (The Doctor and Ashley are looking at the Dream Crab in the container.) DOCTOR: I don't know. Possibly. ASHLEY: I'm assuming extra-terrestrial. DOCTOR: Oh, definitely. ASHLEY: Then how can you have heard of these things? DOCTOR: Guess. ASHLEY: Because you're extra-terrestrial, too. DOCTOR: Do you believe that?

[Control room]

(Shona is interviewing the three newcomers in an alcove. Santa has got a mug of drink. Ian is flicking through his smart phone.) SHONA: If you are Santa SANTA: Mmm hmm. SHONA: What are you doing here? SANTA: It's the North Pole. And I own it. IAN: He means the actual pole. WOLF: It goes right through the middle of the workshop. IAN: I've got a selfie with it. WOLF: Show her. Look at Ian. (Ian holds out the phone with the photo on it.) SHONA: The North Pole isn't an actual pole. IAN: Course it is. Look. SHONA: If it was an actual pole, it would not be stripy. WOLF: It's got to be stripy. IAN: Otherwise, you couldn't see it moving round. WOLF: Mmm. It's actually basic physics.

[Laboratory]

ASHLEY: Why's it called a Dream Crab, for a start? DOCTOR: Theorise. ASHLEY: Because it generates a telepathic field. DOCTOR: And? ASHLEY: Alters perception. DOCTOR: Meaning? ASHLEY: I seem to be doing all the work here. CLARA: Meaning we can't trust anything that we see or hear. DOCTOR: Go to the window. ASHLEY: Why? DOCTOR: Because it gets worse. (Ashley looks out at an incongruous blue Police [public call] Box.) ASHLEY: What is that? DOCTOR: That's how Clara and I got here. ASHLEY: In a box? DOCTOR: Technically, in a telephone kiosk. ASHLEY: (laughs) How? DOCTOR: Because it's a spaceship in disguise. You know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart? ASHLEY: What? DOCTOR: They're both ridiculous.

[Control room]

SHONA: It's Christmas Eve! SANTA: Yeah. You don't have to tell me that. SHONA: Yeah, well, then why aren't you out delivering presents? SANTA: Technically, I am. SHONA: Well, you're not. You're stood right there. SANTA: Oh, Shona, grow up, love. IAN: Yeah, do the math, baby. (Shona takes notes.) SANTA: There's not just one Santa delivery team. How could there be? There are five hundred and twenty six million four hundred and three thousand and twelve children all expecting presents before tomorrow morning. So, hmm, that's twenty two million children per hour. It's impossible! Obviously, I've got a second sledge.

[Laboratory]

CLARA: So we don't know what is real and what isn't? DOCTOR: Exactly. CLARA: Are we in danger? DOCTOR: Oh, we are well way past danger, Clara. If I'm right, and I usually am, we're dying. ASHLEY: Then how do we stay alive? DOCTOR: I like you. Straight to the point. I want you to show me how you first encountered those creatures, and what happened to those people in the infirmary. I notice you all wear mini-cams, so I assume that there is footage. ASHLEY: Is it possible I'm about to work with someone who might be a dream? DOCTOR: If it helps, so am I. ASHLEY: We have footage on the drives. I'll see what I can pull up. DOCTOR: Ashley, what's this polar base for? Why are you all here? ASHLEY: It's a long story. (Ashley leaves.) CLARA: What you said about Danny. Unacceptable. DOCTOR: I know. I had to flood your mind with random emotion. CLARA: Random? DOCTOR: You never told me he was dead. You said he made it back. CLARA: Well, I lied. I lied, so you'd go home to Gallifrey instead of fussing about me. DOCTOR: I never found Gallifrey. I lied, so you'd stay with Danny. CLARA: So we're dying, then? DOCTOR: Yes. CLARA: Why? DOCTOR: Oh, complicated. CLARA: How long do we have? DOCTOR: No idea. CLARA: Just. Doctor, give me something to do. DOCTOR: Trust nothing. Accept nothing you see. Whatever happens, interrogate everything. CLARA: In case it's a lie. DOCTOR: In case it's a lie.

[Control room]

SHONA: Reindeer can't fly. They just can't. SANTA: No. No, they can't. It's a scientific impossibility. That is why I feed mine magic carrots. DOCTOR: You all right? SHONA: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to talk sense into er, Beardy-Weirdy. DOCTOR: You don't seem much like a scientist. SHONA: That's a bit rude, coming from a magician. DOCTOR: Why are you out here? What brought you to the North Pole? SHONA: Long story, isn't it? DOCTOR: You missed the killer question. SHONA: Sorry, what? DOCTOR: Beardy-Weirdy. SANTA: Yeah? DOCTOR: How do you get all the presents in the sleigh? SANTA: It's bigger on the inside. WOLF: Ooh! ASHLEY: Doctor? (Professor Albert is gnawing on a turkey drumstick.) ALBERT: Sorry. Starving. DOCTOR: What am I looking at? (The monitor says Headcam: Carter.) BELLOWS: Footage from a week ago. A side expedition from our main mission. DOCTOR: What is your main mission? BELLOWS: Long story. Ice cave directly beneath this base. Now, look at what we found. (A cluster of Dream crabs hanging amongst icicles.) BELLOWS: Dormant at first. DOCTOR: Until you looked at them too long. Till you thought about them. BELLOWS: Exactly. DOCTOR: Sleeping. Probably been down there for centuries. (Anyone else thinking The Thing meets Alien?) CLARA: And it wakes up when you think about it? (The Dream Crab twitches in its container.) DOCTOR: They can detect their own mental picture in any nearby mind. ASHLEY: That's Bellows' theory. BELLOWS: It's like it responds to the presence of any data concerning itself. DOCTOR: Oh. That was always the legend. You think about a Dream Crab, a Dream Crab is coming for you. (The Dream Crab twitches the container off the table, and it breaks.) ALBERT: This is where it gets really nasty. CLARA: Only now? (A Dream Crab descends onto the headcam and it goes into static.) DOCTOR: Okay, then what? (Bellows switches the image to the infirmary, with them putting the Sleepers into bed. Albert's drumstick is a never-ending feast.) ALBERT: They're a bit like Facehuggers, aren't they? DOCTOR: Face huggers? ALBERT: You know, Alien. The horror movie, Alien. DOCTOR: There's a horror movie called Alien? That's really offensive. No wonder everyone keeps invading you. BELLOWS: First, they just slept. Couple of days, just lying there. DOCTOR: And then they became aggressive. ASHLEY: If we got close enough, yeah. DOCTOR: It would take the Dream Crab a little while to take control. Depends how much of the host brain was ASHLEY: Was what? DOCTOR: Digested. ASHLEY: Are they still alive under those things? DOCTOR: Depends what you call alive. ASHLEY: Are they suffering? DOCTOR: No. No, no. no, no, no. The Dream Crab induces a dream state. Keeps you happy and relaxed, in a perfectly realised dream world, as you dissolve. Merciful, I suppose. ALBERT: Compared to what? DOCTOR: Compared to that turkey leg you keep eating. Could you rewind for me? I'd like to see them dormant again. Clara, could you fetch me the dead one? CLARA: Maybe I could fetch you a cup of tea while I'm at it. DOCTOR: Ooh. Yes, and a punch in the face, too. CLARA: My very next suggestion. DOCTOR: Fair enough.

[Laboratory]

(Clara steps on shards of broken glass. She sees that the table is empty.) CLARA: Doctor? (She sees part of the broken container on the floor and goes underneath the table to look at it closely. The Dream Crab descends from the ceiling. Clara gasps.)

[Control room]

ASHLEY: What's wrong? DOCTOR: We're thinking about it. Clara!

[Laboratory]

CLARA: One hundred minus forty two is three hundred and fifty eight times three is one thousand seven hundred and seventy four minus thirty two is one hundred and forty two divided by seven is twenty and, and, and a bit. Think about something else. Think about something else. Danny Pink, Danny, Danny. Danny Pink, I love you. (The Crab is visible through the slats of the table.) CLARA: And I'll never see you again, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lied. I am sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry (Mucus falls in a long stream in front of her face, and she screams, then stupidly turns around to look upwards. The Dream Crab breaks the slats apart and drops.)

[Clara's bedroom]

(Clara wakes up in bed. It is full daylight. The door opens and a man in a red nylon fake fur-trimmed suit and false beard enters.) DANNY: Ho, ho, ho. CLARA: Who are you? DANNY: What do you mean, who am I? Who do you think I am? (He pulls down the long white beard to reveal his short dark one.) CLARA: Danny? DANNY: Merry Christmas. Come on! CLARA: Come on where? DANNY: Downstairs. CLARA: Why? DANNY: Well, you know what day it is. CLARA: What day is it? DANNY: Easter. It's Easter Day. That's why I'm dressed like this, I'm Father Easter. CLARA: Is that a thing? DANNY: No. Because it's Christmas! CLARA: Oh. Well, you've made me want chocolate now. DANNY: Good. Come on. You, out of bed. Downstairs. I have surprises. CLARA: Tickets for the Indian Orient Express. That painting we saw in Paris, and permission to own a cat. DANNY: How did you know? CLARA: Because those are exactly the things I want, and you are too clever ever to be wrong. DANNY: How do you make you clever into me being clever? CLARA: I always protect your ego from the truth. DANNY: Oh, er, thank you for that. CLARA: It's Christmas. DANNY: Hurry up, then!

[Top landing]

(She goes out onto the spacious top landing, turns and sees a blackboard with CLARA!! written on it. Danny is halfway down the stairs already.) CLARA: Danny? Whose blackboard is that? DANNY: What blackboard? Are you coming? CLARA: Yeah, just a moment! (She turns away for an instant and when she turns back the word has changed to DREAMING!!) DANNY: Clara. CLARA: Coming! (She picks up the blackboard eraser and wipes over the word, turning it to DYING!!) DANNY: Clara! CLARA: Yeah. Just a minute. (She tries rubbing it out again. The word transforms to YOU then ARE then DYING! ) DOCTOR [OC]: You are dying. (Now the whole landing is lined with blackboards with the word DYING! written on them. The Doctor's voice echoes from a distance.) DOCTOR [OC]: Dying! Dying! Clara! Clara! Clara! (She closes her eyes and the scene returns to bright and pleasant.) DANNY: Well, come on then. You don't know what I'm wearing underneath this Santa outfit. CLARA: Your pyjamas. You're too shy to wear less than two layers. DANNY: You could have used your imagination. CLARA: Yeah, I don't really have to. (There is now a blackboard at the top of the stairs behind her, saying CLARA!!) DOCTOR [OC]: Clara!

[Laboratory]

(The Doctor is holding Clara's hand. She is lying on the floor with a Crab over her face.) DOCTOR: Clara, you're dreaming. You're dying. Can you hear me? Clara? ASHLEY: We did try to waken the others. No stimulus worked. DOCTOR: Okay, we kill it. We find a way to kill it and we get it off of her. How do we kill it? ASHLEY: There's no way to kill it without killing your friend, too. And as a scientist, may I just say, I don't like the way you're talking. DOCTOR: Santa. In the infirmary, you told the Sleepers to go to bed, and they obeyed you. SANTA: Sorry, doesn't mean I can get that creature off her. DOCTOR: No, but you can get back in there unharmed. SHONA: What? You're asking Santa for help? He doesn't exist. DOCTOR: And how would you know that? How did you become an expert on what does and doesn't exist? SANTA: I can commit several million housebreaks in one night dressed in a red suit with jingle bells, so of course I can get back into the infirmary. DOCTOR: Good. Because there is only one way that I can communicate with Clara.

[Clara's living room]

(Fairy lights are trailed all over the place, and the happy couple are curled up on the corner sofa by firelight. There is a knock on the front door which interrupts a kiss.) DANNY: Your dad? CLARA: Going by the timing, I'd say so. DANNY: Mmm. CLARA: If you let him anywhere near the subject of golf, I will do a thing, and it will not be a good thing. DANNY: Um, aren't we giving him golf clubs? CLARA: And I'm prepared to use them. (They both chuckle as she gets up and goes to the door.) DOCTOR: Hi. CLARA: Hi. Doctor? DOCTOR: It's not real, Clara. You know it's not real. It's a dream, and it's killing you. CLARA: Merry Christmas. (The Doctor closes the door behind him and follows Clara into the living room.) CLARA: You remember Danny, of course. DOCTOR: Not as well as you, clearly. You've made him a fraction taller. Merry Christmas, PE. DANNY: Compliments of the season, sir. DOCTOR: Dialogue's pretty good, too. Nice work. It's all in the detail. CLARA: Just stop it. DOCTOR: He's not real, Clara. None of this is real. What's real is there is an alien organism wrapped around your face, keeping you warm and happy while it eats you. DANNY: Mince pie, anyone? DOCTOR: You're dying. CLARA: If this is a dream, how can you be here? How can we both be having the same dream? DOCTOR: There was only one way to get to you. CLARA: And what was that? DOCTOR: I'm dying, too.

[Laboratory]

(The Doctor is lying next to Clara with a Dream Crab on his face.) ASHLEY: Have we just killed him? Have we just made it worse? SANTA: He thinks he can join the dream, and get her out. Have a little faith.

[Clara's living room]

CLARA: You just wake up. Just leave me here, please. (The Doctor touches her right temple.) DOCTOR: You have a pain right here. It's like an ice cream pain, but gentle. Do you know what that is? The skin and bone have been parted, probably half an inch, and something has pushed right into the soft tissue of your brain and is very slowly dissolving it. I want you to picture it this way. Somebody has put a straw right through your skull and is drinking you. You should be screaming with agony, but there's anaesthetic. Everything around you right now, even Danny, especially Danny, that's the anaesthetic. (I now have the picture from Phantasms stuck in my head of Doctor Crusher with a straw stuck into Will Riker's skull. Lovely. Goes really well with the Slade earworm.) DANNY: Why are you doing this? Why are you saying all of that? DOCTOR: Because it's true. How long do you think you've been here? CLARA: All day. DOCTOR: No. No, no, no. Barely five minutes. Because dream time goes faster. Because this isn't real. Danny isn't real. Danny Pink died saving the world. DANNY: I really didn't. DOCTOR: I'm sorry. I thought there was a way back for him, but I was wrong. I can't change that. He's dead. DANNY: I didn't die saving the world, Doctor, I died saving Clara. The rest of you just got lucky. How long has she got? DOCTOR: Minutes, till it's irreversible. DANNY: Well then, get out the way. (The Doctor moves aside and Danny walks up to Clara.) DANNY: I'm a dream and you know I am, right? (Clara nods.) Right, one thing. But it's important. It's a very important thing. That is totally how you guessed all of my presents. CLARA: I miss you. DANNY: Five minutes. CLARA: What? DANNY: You can miss me for five minutes a day. And you'd better do it properly. You'd better be sad. I expect my five. But all the rest of the time, Clara, all the rest of the time, every single second, you just get the hell on with it. Clear? CLARA: Don't you soldier me. DANNY: Do as you're told. DOCTOR: Brave. DANNY: Dead already. How does she wake up? DOCTOR: I don't know. Just try. Accept this isn't real, and try. DANNY: Do it. For me. CLARA: (crying) When I wake up, you won't be there. DANNY: Do you know why people get together at Christmas? Because every time they do, it might be the last time. Every Christmas is last Christmas, and this is ours. This was a bonus. This is extra. But now it's time to wake up. (Danny and Clara kiss.)

[Laboratory]

(The Doctor wakes with a cry and the Dream Crab falls off him. Clara's Dream Crab leaves her face and she coughs.) DOCTOR: Clara? Clara, look at me, Clara! Clara! Breathe, breathe. Breathe. Breathe. (The Dream Crabs are on their backs, twitching, then they turn to dust. A little later, they retrieve a piece of carapace and put it in a specimen jar while Shona brushed the remains into a dust pan.) BELLOWS: So these creatures, when their feeding goes wrong, they die? DOCTOR: The carnivore's hazard. Food has teeth too. You okay? (Clara is checking herself in a mirror, looking for the hole in her head.) CLARA: No. DOCTOR: Good. There are some things we should never be okay about. CLARA: There doesn't seem to be a wound. DOCTOR: No. And the pain's still there, isn't it? SHONA: Is it the ice cream pain? Just here? Cos I've got that. BELLOWS: It's the cold, I think. Some sort of reaction. DOCTOR: But only on one side, just that spot there. Doesn't that strike you as odd? ALBERT: Well, we've all got it. CLARA: Okay, so why do we all have that pain? DOCTOR: Theorise. CLARA: Don't treat me like a beginner. I was dreaming, then I woke up. I know that. DOCTOR: Do you? And have you ever woken up from a dream and discovered that you're still dreaming? Dreams within dreams. Dream states nested inside each other. All perfectly possible, especially when we are dealing with creatures who have weaponised our dreams against us. BELLOWS: I don't know about anybody else, but I'm pretty certain I'm awake right now. DOCTOR: Which is odd, when you think about it. ASHLEY: Odd? DOCTOR: Impossible, in fact. How can any of us be awake? SHONA: I don't understand. DOCTOR: Remember how we all first met, in the infirmary? (The Doctor chivying Shona to move.) DOCTOR [memory]: Come on, quick, quick, come on. ASHLEY [memory]: Go! Run, now! DOCTOR: All those creatures coming down from the ceiling, attacking us. ALBERT [memory]: Here they come! (Clara screaming.) DOCTOR: We never stood a chance. How did we survive that? SHONA: Well, we, we were rescued. DOCTOR: Yeah, we were rescued. And who was it that rescued us?

[Control room]

(The man in the red suit is on his mobile phone.) SANTA: No, no, no, no. I need you to do the east coast right now. Well, otherwise you're going to be delivering to the islands in broad daylight. Yeah, listen. Please try and remember that our mugshots are on every Christmas card. Yeah, just get it done, head towards the northern lights. Yes, I remembered to switch them on. (Santa walks away.) DOCTOR: The Helman-Ziegler test. The only reliable dream test that I know. Ah. Your base manual. I take it none of you have memorised this. SHONA: Oh. I haven't, I haven't read it. DOCTOR: These books should be identical in the real world. But as they don't exist in your memory, in a dream, they can't be. Agreed? Clara. Give me any two digit number. CLARA: Fifty seven. DOCTOR: All right, all of you, turn to page fifty seven and look at the very first word. Right, when I point at you. ASHLEY: Isotope. DOCTOR: Well? BELLOWS: Extremely. ALBERT: Inside. SHONA: Chocolate. Why did I get chocolate? What's that about? ALBERT: This can't be right. We must have got it wrong, that's all. DOCTOR: Well, we'll do it again. Clara? CLARA: Twenty four. DOCTOR: Twenty four. ASHLEY: We. BELLOWS: Are. ALBERT: All. DOCTOR: Shona? SHONA: Dead. ASHLEY: Since the attack in the infirmary, nothing has been real? DOCTOR: The attack is still going on. This is it! ALBERT: We've been dreaming since then? SANTA: Oh, for Easter's sake! Of course you've been dreaming. Haven't you been paying attention? IAN: Rudolph. Did you see the nose? WOLF: The North Pole? Come on, with stripes? IAN: This WOLF: Is IAN + WOLF + SANTA: A dream! SANTA: How much more obvious do you want me to make it? Because I can text the Easter Bunny, you know. DOCTOR: Seriously? You're trying to help? SANTA: As you stand here, chatting, chatting, your lives are ending. Unless you wake up, unless you free yourselves from these dreadful creatures, they're, they're going to destroy you. SHONA: You're a dream who's trying to save us? SANTA: Shona, sweetheart, I'm Santa Claus. I think you just defined me. DOCTOR: This makes perfect sense. The Dream Crab tries to make the dream as real as possible to trap you inside it. It creates dreams within dreams so you can never be sure if you are really awake. But your brain knows something is wrong. Your subconscious fights back. This is your mind trying to tell you this isn't real. SANTA: So it gives you me. Sweet Papa Chrimbo. IAN: It gives you comedy elves, flying reindeer. DOCTOR: Exactly. SANTA: A time-travelling scientist dressed as a magician. IAN: Classic! DOCTOR: No. No, no. Hang on. No, no, no, no. WOLF: Living in a phone box. DOCTOR: It's a spaceship in disguise. SANTA: You see how none of this makes any sense? DOCTOR: Shut up, Santa. SANTA: I have watched over you all your lives. I've taken care of you from Christmas to Christmas. BELLOWS: But you're not real. SANTA: And yet that never stopped me. All of you, come near. Come here, come on. Join hands. DOCTOR: Look. No. Look, we don't need all this touchy-feely stuff. SANTA: Shut up, Doctor. Join hands. Come on, concentrate. BELLOWS: Why? SANTA: You are deep inside this dream, all right, and it is a shared mental state, so it is drawing power from the multi-consciousness gestalt which has now formed telepathically and DOCTOR: No. No, No, no, no. Line in the sand. Santa Claus does not do the scientific explanation. SANTA: All right. As the Doctor might say, (Scottish accent) Oh, it's all a bit dreamy-weamy. DOCTOR: Why don't you just go and, and make a naughty list? SANTA: I have, mate, and you're on it. DOCTOR: Don't give me that. Look, you're supposed to be warm and friendly and cheerful. SANTA: (Scots) Oh, yeah. Well, look at your great bedside manner. DOCTOR: Don't be so hostile, CLARA: Doctor, behave. ASHLEY: This is very sweet. But right now I have an alien life form wrapped around my face, and apparently it's digesting my brain. When you speak, how do I know it's not the Dream Crab? SANTA: Ooo, good question. Spoken like a scientist. CLARA: Can I put it another way? Why would the part of our brain that is trying to keep all of us alive choose you for a face? SANTA: Is anyone else asking that? SHONA: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. All of us. All of us. Why you? SANTA: Why me? It's the North Pole, it's Christmas Day. You're dying. Who you gonna call? Just one last time, huh? One last Christmas, as if your lives depended on it. Please! Ho, ho, ho. Believe in Santa. (They all shrug and form a circle.) DOCTOR: I'm not very good with this holdy-hand thing. CLARA: Tough. DOCTOR: I will hold Clara's hand, but that's it. CLARA: Shona, take his hand. DOCTOR: Oh no, I'm fine, I'm fine. This is very Christmassy, isn't it? ASHLEY: Okay, so what do we (Santa, Ian and Wolf have vanished.) BELLOWS: Where did he go? DOCTOR: We're waking up. That part of the dream is over. We're on our own now. ALBERT: Well, then. What do we do? DOCTOR: That pain in your head. Make it worse. Head towards it. ASHLEY: So when we wake up, what do we expect? DOCTOR: Only a few moments will have passed at the most. The attack is still in progress. SHONA: I'm scared. DOCTOR: Congratulations. That means you're not an idiot. CLARA: It's not like the last time. DOCTOR: Last time wasn't real. ASHLEY: Good luck. Stay calm. And God bless us, every one. (Whiteout.)

[Infirmary]

(Dream Crabs fall from the faces of the four scientists, the Doctor and Clara, as the Sleepers clutch their sides and writhe. They all cough violently to clear the mucus as the Dream Crabs twitch and turn to dust.) DOCTOR: Run! (One of the Sleepers grabs Clara's arm.) CLARA: Argh. DOCTOR: Clara! CLARA: Doctor! (It opens its maw and the Doctor pulls her free. She is staring at the pink tube inside the gap.) DOCTOR: Clara? Come on! ASHLEY: Out, out, now! NOW! (They back out with the guns and the doors close.)

[Corridor]

(Bellows hits a stray hand with the butt of her gun until the doors can fully shut.) DOCTOR: Everyone all right? Good. Bye. CLARA: Sorry, I'll just go and (They walk down the corridor.) DOCTOR: No need for chatting, you'll only get attached. This isn't Facebook.

[Outside the base]

CLARA: Er, what about the Dream Crabs? DOCTOR: Oh, they're fine. CLARA: And the people that they're eating? DOCTOR: Beyond help. CLARA: Doctor, the others are still in danger. DOCTOR: Only if they're stupid. There are polar bears on this ice cap. Am I supposed to do something about that, too? CLARA: We know Dream Crabs are still on Earth. DOCTOR: There are lots of dangerous things on this funny little planet of yours, Clara, most of which you eat. I'm the Doctor, not your mam. (He walks to the Tardis.) CLARA: Doctor? If Santa was only in the dream, why was he on my roof? DOCTOR: Four. Four patients. Four manuals. Hurry! Do you know what I hate about the obvious? CLARA: What? DOCTOR: Missing it. (They run back inside.)

[Control room]

(On the monitors, the Sleepers are back on their beds.) DOCTOR: As you were. No saluting. Are you the same people as before? CLARA: Of course they are. DOCTOR: Oh, sorry, I deleted you. SHONA: Well, that's not a very nice attitude, is it? DOCTOR: Four manuals, yes? ASHLEY: Yes, why? DOCTOR: One each. ALBERT: One each, yes. What's the problem? DOCTOR: Well, the problem is, you can't see the problem. For instance, you, gobby one. (He throws a manual to Shona.) SHONA: I have a name, actually. DOCTOR: Doesn't matter. I don't need it. When we first met you in the infirmary, what were you doing? SHONA: Mmm. It's a long story. DOCTOR: Uptight boss one. (another manual) What is the primary mission of this polar base? ASHLEY: It's a long story. DOCTOR: Sexy one. What brings you to the North Pole at your age? BELLOWS: It's a long (pause) story. CLARA: Okay, why are they all giving the same answer, because that is a tiny bit freaky. DOCTOR: If you think that's freaky, try this. We were in the Tardis. Why did we come here? CLARA: It's a long story. (The penny drops.) CLARA: Doctor? DOCTOR: Dreams. They're funny. Ha, ha, ha. They're disjointed. They're, they're silly. They're full of gaps. But you don't notice, because the dream protects itself. Stops you asking the right questions. For example, why do you have four manuals, one each, when you have a crew of eight? Or did you forget about your friends in the infirmary here? ALBERT: But we woke up. DOCTOR: Dreams within dreams, I warned you. BELLOWS: This isn't a dream. I know it isn't. DOCTOR: No one knows they're not dreaming. Not one of us. Not ever. Not for one single moment of our lives. Clara? Page number. Make it a good one. CLARA: Twelve. (Everyone opens their manual at the number of the Doctor.) ASHLEY: Very. ALBERT: Very. BELLOWS: Very. SHONA: Dead. DOCTOR: And who's going to be the first to admit it? ASHLEY: Admit what? DOCTOR: That the pain is still there. SHONA: Actually, I think it's getting worse. DOCTOR: Yes, there is an alien organism in your brain, eating it. Of course it's getting worse. CLARA: Doctor? What are they doing? (On the monitor, the Sleepers are sitting up on their beds.) DOCTOR: Factually, getting up. Significantly, sensing the endgame. CLARA: How? ASHLEY: I don't understand. DOCTOR: Well, look at them. Go on. Look at them. Look at them properly. Look who they are. They're you. The Sleepers are you. (Close up of a name badge - Prof Rona Bellows.) SHONA: How can they be us? (Shona McCullough) DOCTOR: Because we're dreaming, all of us. This base isn't real. None of us are actually standing in the room. I'm probably asleep in my Tardis. Clara, you must be in bed. God knows where the rest of you are, probably scattered all over the world. But wherever you are, the Dream Crabs have got us, and we're all being networked into the same nightmare. BELLOWS: What are they doing? (The Sleepers are walking towards the cameras.) DOCTOR: It's your subconscious again. The Sleepers represent the part of your mind that's already surrendered to the attack. These are dream images of what's coming to kill you. ALBERT: That's me? That's actually me? DOCTOR: No, it's a metaphorical construct representing a psychic attack within a shared dreamscape. Do please keep up. ALBERT: But it's me. DOCTOR: Don't get too close. (Sleeper Albert puts its hand up to the camera, and Albert leans into the monitor.) ALBERT: Why? DOCTOR: Because this is a nightmare. (Albert gets grabbed by the Sleeper's hand and pulled through the monitor with a scream. The Doctor and Clara try to grab him.) DOCTOR: No! Clara! (Ashley and Bellows reach out to their Sleeper images on the screens.) DOCTOR: Look out, they're coming through. Out! Outside, now! Run, run, run, run! Run! Clara, run. Run, all of you, run. Run! (The Sleepers are in the control room. The Doctor tries to use a fire extinguisher on them but it doesn't slow them down.)

[Outside the base]

(He bars the door and sonicks the lock. Shona, Ashley and Bellows have acquired duffel coats.) BELLOWS: We'll freeze to death out here. SHONA: But it, it's just a dream. DOCTOR: This dream just killed your friend. Start taking it seriously. SHONA: Where's Albert? Where's the professor? DOCTOR: He probably just woke up somewhere in the real world, dead. If we don't wake up now, we'll do the same. CLARA: But how? DOCTOR: I don't know. (The Sleepers thump the door, making fist marks in the thick metal.) DOCTOR: The Tardis! Come on! Come on! CLARA: Doctor, it's not the real Tardis. DOCTOR: Well, let's hope that I dreamed it really well, then. (The Tardis doors open, and Sleeper Doctor and Sleeper Clara come out.) CLARA: It's us. DOCTOR: Of course it's us. We're dreaming too. SHONA: Oh, my God. BELLOWS: How is that possible? How can there be so many? (They are surrounded by dozens of Sleeper versions of themselves.) DOCTOR: The logic of a nightmare. (Ashley lights a flare.) SHONA: So tell us how to wake up. Because you're always talking like you're so clever, going on and on. So tell us what to do! DOCTOR: We have to leave this place. SHONA: Leave it? BELLOWS: How? DOCTOR: Use your imagination. BELLOWS: Excuse me? DOCTOR: Dream yourselves home. BELLOWS: (panicking) But how? DOCTOR: Come on, it's Christmas, the North Pole. Who you gonna call? (Jingle, jingle. They look up to see a bright red light fly across the full moon then swoop down to land.) SANTA: Hyah! Whoa! Whoa. Ah. Get in the sleigh. (They do, the Doctor sitting next to Santa and Clara behind him.) SANTA: Fortunately, I know all your home addresses. Yah! (Rudolph, Donner and Blitzen pull the sleigh up into the sky.)

[Sleigh]

CLARA: So what happens now? SANTA: Hyah! CLARA: This is us just waking up, right? DOCTOR: Could be. Well, I hope so. Waking up or CLARA: Or? DOCTOR: Just focus on this. Do you believe in Santa Claus? CLARA: I've always believed in Santa Claus. But he looks a little different to me. (Clara put her arms around the Doctor.) CLARA: Look! (She points down at old Father Thames.) SANTA: Hey. You want to take the reins, Doctor? DOCTOR: You're a dream construct, currently representing either my recovering or expiring mind. SANTA: Yes, but do you want a go? DOCTOR: Yeah. All right. (The Doctor takes over the reins as they pass St Pauls. Everyone goes ooo!) DOCTOR: Sorry, sorry, sorry. (They slalom between roof tops.) SANTA: Easy! This way. DOCTOR: No, no, no! Oh, ho ho! Ah! SANTA: Up a bit. Lift up. There we go. DOCTOR: Look at me. Look. Look at me! (They reach the Houses of Parliament as Big Ben chimes midnight. Everyone whoops with excitement as they fly around it they head off north westerly and climb above the cloud layer.) DOCTOR: Look at me! I'm riding a sleigh. I'm riding a sleigh. Yippee ai-yay! (They head upwards.) DOCTOR: Oh. Maybe you could (He gives the reins back, panting for breath.) SANTA: Yeah, yeah. SHONA: I work in a shop. ASHLEY: I'm sorry? SHONA: I thought I was a scientist. That's rubbish. BELLOWS: Finally, something that makes sense. SHONA: You're horrible, you. ASHLEY: Perfume. SHONA: What? ASHLEY: I'm an account manager for perfume. Does this mean we're waking up? DOCTOR: Possibly. With any luck, we'll all wake up in our proper times and places. CLARA: Proper times? DOCTOR: Well, we could all be from different time zones. Time travel is always possible, in dreams. SHONA: We might not know each other? Not any of us? ASHLEY: No, possibly not. SHONA: Well, you know what we should do? We should swap numbers. We should have a reunion. ASHLEY: Bellows!

[Bellow's home]

(Bellows wakes up in a bright room with a piano. A young girl comes into the room.) GIRL: Gran! Dinner's ready. BELLOWS: Yeah, sorry, I must have dozed off. (She puts her glasses back on, sees where she is sitting with a bit of disappointment, then wheels herself past the crumbled remains of her Dream Crab on the wooden floor.)

[Sleigh]

SHONA: Er, now I'm pretty sure I can remember my number so, if you memorise it, then you text me, we can go for a curry and DOCTOR: The chances of you remembering any of this are very slim. SHONA: Well, don't say that. We'll remember, won't we, Ashley? Ashley? (Ashley wakes up in bed, with her Dream Crab dying beside her. She leaps out of bed with a scream.) SHONA: Am I next? Is it me now? CLARA: Shona, you're going home. You're surviving. SHONA: Do you want to hang out sometime? We can just hang out. CLARA: Sure. SHONA: Santa, can I stay a bit longer? (Shona has vanished.)

[Shona's flat]

(Shona wakes up on her sofa with the Dream Crab twitching and squealing on the floor before it turns to dust.) SHONA: Gross! (She picks up the piece of paper with her Christmas Day Itinerary on it. 1. DVD (Alien) 2. DVD (The thing from another world) 3. Dad comes round. 4. DVD (Miracle on 34th Street.) 5. THRONES marathon. 6. Forgive Dave??? She thinks for a moment, then picks up her marker pen and ticks number 6.)

[Sleigh]

CLARA: It's a pity we have to wake up, really. It's not really something we do every day, is it? SANTA: No, no. Strictly once a year. DOCTOR: We stay, we die, Clara. CLARA: You're always such a downer, Doctor. (But he has gone.)

[Volcanic ledge]

(The Dream Crab falls off, he sits up coughing in the place where she threw the Tardis keys into the lava. Please don't tell me everything since then has been a dream...) DOCTOR: Clara! (He dashes into the Tardis.)

[Sleigh]

SANTA: You really should be waking up too, Clara. CLARA: Just a little longer. SANTA: Why? (Clara rests her head on his shoulder.) CLARA: Every Christmas is last Christmas. SANTA: Hyah! (The sleigh flies in front of the full moon.)

[Clara's bedroom]

(The Tardis materialises outside the house. The Doctor carries a specimen jar into her bedroom, where she is still in bed with a Dream Crab on her face.) DOCTOR: Oh, Clara. I might have known that you would be the one to sleep in. Okay, I tracked the psychic signal here. I'm pretty sure that I know how to do this now. One of the advantages of actually being awake. So, you just hold still. I've just got to zap the neural centres. (He does so with his sonic screwdriver.) DOCTOR: Okay, there you go. (He pulls the Crab off her face and puts it into specimen jar 16367//K8.) DOCTOR: The Dream Crabs must have got to me first then found you in my memory. The others were collateral damage. Well, good to see you properly at last. How long has it been? Clara. (Clara switches on her bedside lamp to reveal her grey hair and wrinkled skin.) CLARA: Oh, you know. About sixty two years. Doctor, I have missed you very much, you stupid old man. (She laughs and they hug.) DOCTOR: I've missed you, too.

[Clara's living room]

DOCTOR: These are Christmas hats, I've seen people use them. You put them on and absolutely anything seems funny. CLARA: Oh, probably won't work on you. DOCTOR: Probably not. You want to try? CLARA: Go on, then. (He puts the yellow paper crown on Clara and she becomes her younger self.) CLARA: Can you really see no difference in me? DOCTOR: Clara Oswald, you will never look any different to me. So, how was it then? CLARA: How was what? DOCTOR: The sixty two years that I missed. CLARA: Oh, how was my life, you mean? DOCTOR: Is there a Mister Clara? (We see the old version again.) CLARA: No. But there were plenty of proposals. DOCTOR: They all turned you down though? CLARA: I turned them down. I travelled. I taught in every country in Europe. I learned to fly a plane. DOCTOR: Regrets? CLARA: Oh, hundreds. I just wish there were time for a few more. DOCTOR: Yeah, they're always the best part. Christmas cracker. We should do one. No one ever matched up to Danny, eh? CLARA: There was one other man, but that would never have worked out. DOCTOR: Why not? CLARA: He was impossible. (The Doctor holds Clara's hand to help her pull the cracker.) DOCTOR: We should do this every Christmas. CLARA: Because every Christmas is last Christmas. (The cracker is pulled.) DOCTOR: I'm sorry. I was stupid. I should have come back earlier. I wish that I had. SANTA: Do you, Doctor? How much do you wish that? DOCTOR: No. I'm not still SANTA: Wakey, wakey!

[Volcanic ledge]

(Once again the Dream Crab falls off.) DOCTOR: Clara!

[Clara's bedroom]

(Again the Dream Crab is sonicked, this time from young Clara's face.) CLARA: Doctor. Am I young? DOCTOR: No idea. (He gets a mirror for her to look in.) DOCTOR: Is that any good? CLARA: Oh, that's good. DOCTOR: The Tardis is outside. CLARA: So? DOCTOR: So, all of time and all of space is sitting out there. A big blue box. Please, don't even argue. (Clara thinks about it with a big grin on her face, then gives him her hand and kisses his cheek.) CLARA: Merry Christmas, Doctor. DOCTOR: Merry Christmas, Clara Oswald.

[Outside Clara's home]

CLARA: Well, look at you, all happy. That's rare. DOCTOR: Do you know what's rarer? Second chances. I never get a second chance, so what happened this time? Don't even know who to thank. (They get into the Tardis and it dematerialises. The change of camera focus reveals a tangerine in the ivy on her window ledge.)