Look Back In Annoyance

(Daria and Jane are standing in front of three moving bands of scenes from the series; this will be their backdrop throughout the show)

Daria - Hello. I am beloved on-air personality Daria Morgendorffer.

Jane - Et Jane Lane, c'est moi.

Daria - Your hosts for a fascinating Daria retrospective we call "Look Back In Annoyance."

Jane - Five years' worth of special moments from a special series. A journey to places found not on the globe, but on a map of the human heart.

Daria - In other words, a cheap-ass clip show.

(theme music)

("Esteemsters" title screen)

Jane (VO) - Daria premiered on March 3, 1997, proving conclusively that no one in programming was paying attention.

Daria (VO) - Viewers met Quinn, Jake, and yours truly in the very first scene, as Dad and I exchanged the series' inaugural gag.

(Jake is driving to school; Quinn is riding shotgun, Daria is in the back seat)

Jake - Girls, I just want you to know your mother and I realize it's not easy moving to a whole new town -- especially for you, Daria, right?

Daria - Did we move?

Jane (VO) - Quinn immediately encountered Stacy and Sandi.

(Quinn exits the car, and is immediately noticed by the other students)

Stacy - Hi! You're cool. What's your name?

Quinn - Quinn Morgendorffer.

Sandi - Cool name.

Daria (VO) - Later on, my mom, Helen, gave a pep talk.

(Helen and Daria are seated at the kitchen table)

Helen - We tell you over and over again that you're wonderful and you just... don't... get it! (slams fists on table) What's wrong with you?!

Jane (VO) - Mr. DeMartino established his even temper right off the bat.

(in Mr. DeMartino's class)

(Daria slowly raises her hand)

Mr. DeMartino - Daria, stop showing off!

Daria (VO) - Then there was the voice of authority, Mr. O'Neill...

(in Mr. O'Neill's self-esteem workshop)

Mr. O'Neill - Look, just let me get through this part, okay? Then there'll be a video!

Jane (VO) - ...dedicated educator Ms. Li...

(Ms. Li stands at the podium on the school auditorium stage)

Ms. Li - In a related note, the school nurse will be visiting homerooms tomorrow to collect DNA samples.

Daria (VO) - ...and those low-I.Q. lovebirds, Kevin and Brittany.

(in Mr. DeMartino's class)

Brittany - Uh... the Viet Cong War?

Kevin - Uh... Operation Watergate?

Jane - Ahem. Did you forget someone?

Daria - Oh, yeah, episode one's also where I met my pal here, Jane Lane, and we immediately knew we were on the same wavelength.

(Daria and Jane are walking down the street; they suddenly stop)

Both - Nocturnal emissions.

Jane (VO) - In episode two, "The Invitation," Mack and Jodie made their debut.

(Brittany, Jodie, and Mack are standing in a room with a gaudy jungle decor and giant ceramic tigers)

Brittany - How do you like my house?

Jodie - Uh, it's quite... coordinated.

Mack - And the ceramic tigers, they're grrrreat!

Jane (VO) - We also met "Casanova lite," Charles Ruttheimer III...

(Daria, Jane, and Quinn are standing on the road by the main gate when Charles pulls up in his car)

Upchuck - You ladies in need of a knight in shining armor?

Daria - Can we just take the armor and ditch the knight?

Daria (VO) - ...and the not-yet-permanently-voiced Tiffany.

(Tiffany is standing next to Sandi and the "popular girl")

Tiffany - But what's with that girl with the glasses?

Jane (VO) - We also got to meet a member of my family.

Daria (VO) - Which meant I got to act like a dork.

(Daria and Jane get out of Trent's car)

Trent - Don't do anything I wouldn't.

Daria - Bye.

(Trent drives away as they begin walking towards the main gate)

Jane - Nice conversational skills.

Daria - I hate you.

Daria - I was a little less sure of myself in those days.

Jane - That was before she dated four of the five members of N'Sync.

Daria - No one's supposed to know that! My girl-next-door image!

Jane - Oops. Um, speaking of siblings, let's take a look at the warm relationship between Daria and Quinn. Innocent, inexperienced Daria and Quinn.

Daria - I'm going to tell them about you and Vince Neil.

Jane - Shh!

("Esteemsters" - a boy is talking to Quinn as Daria and Jane enter the self-esteem workshop)

Boy - So, you got any brothers or sisters?

Quinn - I'm an only child.

("The Invitation" - Daria is standing next to Jane and "Bobby Big-Head")

Daria - Yoo-hoo! Sis! (waves to Quinn)

(Quinn hides behind ceramic tiger)

("Too Cute" - Sandi stands next to Brooke in the school hallway)

Sandi - Hello? Quinn's cousin or something? (waves to Daria)

("Just Add Water" - the Fashion Club surrounds Daria and Jane, who are snoozing on deck chairs)

Sandi - Excuse me, Quinn's visiting exchange student or whatever?

("See Jane Run" - Quinn hands Daria a stack of magazines in the library)

Quinn - Uh, librarian... could you return these magazines for me?

("Fire!" - Quinn kneels on the hotel bed as Daria walks away)

Quinn (into phone) - No, that was the maid. I think she got into the mini-bar.

Jane (VO) - I did detect a softening of your relationship over the years.

Daria (VO) - Sure, the way a banana softens before it goes completely bad.

("The Misery Chick" - in Daria's room)

Quinn - Daria, can I talk to you... about the dead guy?

("Lucky Strike" - in Daria's room)

Daria - Hey, why should you go out of your way to protect the stupid? You're not one of them!

("Speedtrapped" - in the Lexus, driving home)

Daria - That was nice, what you said. That we make a good team.

("Is It Fall Yet?" - Quinn is crying in Daria's room after David, her tutor, has turned her down)

Daria - Quinn, you're, um, not as superficial as you act. I'm sure you just feel obliged to stress the moronic aspects of your personality so you'll fit in better with the fashion drones. Like a mask you wear 'cause you think they wouldn't like the real you.

Quinn - You mean sort of the way you keep people away by being really unfriendly and stuff?

Daria - Hey, we're talking about you here.

Jane (VO) - And then finally came the momentous day when Quinn accepted her heritage.

Daria (VO) - What, she became a Jedi Knight?

("Lucky Strike" - Quinn speaking to Fashion Club in back of class)

Quinn - Besides, why shouldn't I act sisterly towards her? After all... (she looks right at Daria) ...she's my sister.

Sandi - Did you hear that? Oh, my gosh! Quinn just admitted that weird girl is her sister!

Stacy - Well, um, of course she is, Sandi. We knew that.

Tiffany - We were just being polite about it.

Jane - It's hard to believe you two are from the same household.

Daria - Or the same species.

Jane - Perhaps the clues to your aberrant interaction paradigm with your sister can be found by observing your overall family dynamic.

Daria - Huh?

Jane - Let's watch your folks go wacko.

("Sappy Anniversary" - Jake has just botched a presentation at Buzzdome.com)

Jake - Damn computer! It ate everything! Big, fat, smug, damn, stupid, crappy piece of crappy crap!

("One J at a Time" - Jake carries a bowl into the kitchen while talking to Helen)

Jake - Damn foreign-language cookbooks.

("Fat Like Me" - Jake sets his hamburger down on the kitchen table, with Daria looking on)

Jake - Damn gastroenterological disorders!

("Camp Fear" - Jake is digging in the garbage disposal with salad tongs)

Jake - Damn salad tongs!

("I Don't" - Jake and a tipsy Helen are at Erin and Brian's wedding reception; Helen is draining a glass of wine)

Jake - Honey, maybe we ought to think about getting back.

Helen (drunkenly) - No... my little party's just beginning!

("Of Human Bonding" - Jake and Daria are seated on a sofa; he's just regailed Daria with yet another story about his father, "Mad Dog" Morgendorffer)

Jake - Merry Christmas, Dad... in hell!

("Fire!" - Helen is in bed as Jake starts shouting that the house is on fire)

Helen (into phone) - Oh, my God! Eric, the house is on fire! I'll have to call you back. No, I don't know when. No, you can't hold!

("Quinn the Brain" - Jake and Helen are in the kitchen discussing Quinn's grades and effective parenting techniques)

Jake - Do I get a tambourine or something?

("Partner's Complaint" - Helen is on the phone while Daria and Jodie work on their class assignment in the living room)

Helen (into phone) - No, no, absolutely not. It's unethical, it's immoral, it may well be illegal. I'll have no part of it. Okay, I'll do it.

("One J at a Time" - Jake has his head in the refrigerator and his swaying butt in the air)

Jake (squeaky voice) - Give me cheese! I want cheese!

("Psycho Therapy" - Jake and Helen are doing a role-reversal exercise)

Jake (imitating Helen on phone) - Oh, hiiii, Eric! No, just walked in. Thought I'd make dinner for my... what? You have a hangnail?! I'll be right over!

Helen (imitating Jake, ranting and pounding fists on table) - Damn it, I lost another client! I can't understand why, damn it! (whining) Nobody likes poor, old Jake. Should I think about the reasons? Oh, must be my father's fault. (back to rant) Where's the newspaper, damn it?! (leans over as if asleep and imitates snoring)

("Ill" - Daria, Helen, and Jake in kitchen)

Daria (mumbling) - Thanks for being there for me. (leaves)

Jake - Did she just say...?

Helen - Jake, don't spoil the moment.

Jane - Aw, that one was sweet.

Daria - Please. When we return: a look at catch phrases, love-sick gazes and...

Jane - Awkward phases?

Daria - You can pretty much count on that.

Jane - Bandleader, play us out to commercial.

Daria - What bandleader?

("The Story of D" - Jake sticks his head out of the bedroom door as Daria walks past)

Jake - I found my old song lyrics! Here, I'll sing them for you. (disappears into the bedroom) Get ready to hear some dope beats!

("Ill" - Mystik Spiral is playing at the Zon)

Trent and Jesse (singing) - Ow, my nose! Ow, my face!

("Malled" - Doodad Store employees surround a confused Daria, who is their 10,000th customer)

Employees (singing) - When you're feeling bad or mad or sad, buy a doodad!

("Depth Takes a Holiday" - the Holidays, featuring Trent, performing at the Holiday Island High School prom)

Guy Fawkes Day (singing) - I'm a teen holiday and it sucks! I'm a teen holiday and it sucks!

("Esteemsters" - the "singing goofs in animal suits" try to entice the Morgendorffers to sing along)

Animal Singers (singing) - Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream... row, row, row your boat... merrily, merrily... gently... row...

(commercial bumper)

Jane - Welcome back to "Look Back In Annoyance," the Daria retrospective four or five of you have been waiting for.

Daria - Having met my family in the last segment, you might wonder why I choose to return every night to what Freudians refer to as "a bughouse fulla freaks."

Jane - Could it be 'cause the people you spend your days with make your family seem normal?

Daria - Astonishing, Holmes. Let's illustrate with a look inside the hallowed halls of Lawndale High.

Jane - Did you mean Holmes like Sherlock or homes like "yo, yo, yo, what up, homes?"

("Antisocial Climbers" - Mr. DeMartino is guiding students onto buses for the mountain camp-out)

Mr. DeMartino - Good morning, students. Please be so gracious as to haul your milk-fed buttocks onto the bus.

("Fizz Ed" - Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill are outside on the bleachers discussing the budget crisis)

Ms. Li - Do you have any idea what a satellite transmission jammer costs these days?

("Malled" - Mrs. Bennett is standing in front of a store window at the Mall of the Millennium)

Mrs. Bennett - The Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bit Shop! Herbert and I collect Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits!

("Jake of Hearts" - Daria has just criticized Ms. Li's allowing the Z-93 morning show to be broadcast from the school campus in exchange for a fee)

Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, those bomb-sniffing dogs have to eat.

("The Lawndale File" - Mr. O'Neill outside in front of students, standing at a microphone, wearing a black trench coat and putting on a fake beard)

Mr. O'Neill - So, without further ado... I present to you a work in progress. A solo performance I call "Nothing to Lose But His Chains: The Life of Karl Marx." The year is 1848.

(turns on tape player, from which the unmistakable sound of an aerobics instructor emerges)

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, dear... that's my exercise tape. (laughs)

("Lucky Strike" - Mr. DeMartino is exulting in his victory over Ms. Li in the teacher's strike)

Mr. DeMartino - And if I can do that, I can do anything!

("The Lab Brat" - Daria has just finished her report on her science project; her barely-a-partner, Kevin, is posturing in the background)

Ms. Barch - Excellent job, Daria. You get an A.

Kevin - All right!

Ms. Barch - Not you, you man! You get a D.

Kevin - All right!

("Lucky Strike" - teachers are picketing as Mr. O'Neill tries to come up with a strike song; he starts playing "On Top of Ol' Smokey")

Mr. O'Neill (singing) - On top of our paychecks, right under the date...

("Fizz Ed" - Ms. Li has gone into total caffeine-induced meltdown, running through the halls and smashing open Ultra Cola machines with a fire axe)

Ms. Li - Must drink soda, soda from machines. Everybody gather round the pretty machines.

(she smashes open another machine as kids yell and cheer)

Jane (VO) - And the teachers aren't the only ones who've inhaled too much chalk dust.

Daria (VO) - Yes. What about the children?

("Arts 'N Crass" - Brittany is showing her poster to Ms. Defoe)

Brittany - I call it "Don't Drink or Take Drugs." And the message is, "don't drink or take drugs."

("Lucky Strike" - Daria and the students are reading from Romeo and Juliet)

Jeffy - What does "woe" mean?

Daria - It's like the feeling you'd get if the Super Bowl were preempted by Antiques Roadshow.

Joey - Whoa!

("Antisocial Climbers" - in Mr. DeMartino's class)

Kevin - Darwin's the monkey guy, right? I like monkeys!

("It Happened One Nut" - Daria is in a peer counseling session... with Tiffany as the instructor!)

Tiffany (reading very slowly) - "You... too... can learn to... make..."

Daria - Yes?

Tiffany - "...friends."

("Quinn the Brain" - Daria has just dropped her head on top of a pile of books in her locker)

Daria - Do me a favor, will you?

Jane - Yeah?

Daria - Close my locker.

Jane - Well. Lighthearted frivolity is all well and good, but let's get to the gripping interpersonal relationship stuff, huh?

Daria - You mean the soap opera crap?

Jane - Bingo. How do some special Daria-Trent moments sound to you?

(Daria starts grumbling)

Jane - Glad you're on board.

("Road Worrier" - Daria and Jane are down in the Lane basement as Trent and Jesse are rehearsing)

Trent - Hey, Daria.

Daria - (thinking) Can't speak... must... speak... (out loud) Hey.

("Road Worrier" - Daria and Trent are sitting on the side of the road, waiting for Jane and Jesse to return)

Trent - You know, Daria, sometimes it's hard to believe you're in high school.

Daria - I find the situation unbelievable myself.

Trent - You're pretty cool.

Daria - Thanks. (smiles)

("Ill" - Trent and Jane are standing at the Morgendorffer's front door)

Trent - Hey, Daria. (he, along with Jane, registers surprise as Daria's rash returns at lighting speed)

Daria - What?

("Pierce Me" - Daria is on Axl's table, scared and nervous as hell; Trent holds out his hand to her in an attempt to help her relax)

Daria - What's that?

Trent - That's my hand. Give me yours. (beat) It's pretty clean, Daria.

Daria - No, I, um... sorry. (takes his hand)

("Jane's Addition" - Daria and Trent are at the pizza place, talking about the botched multimedia presentation)

Trent - Maybe we just have different ideas about what a commitment is.

Daria - I suppose we do.

Trent - I guess it wasn't such a great idea for us to get together... on this.

Daria - No, I guess there was no way it could have worked out.

Trent - All right, then, Daria. See you around. (gives Daria a peck on the cheek and leaves)

Daria - See ya.

Jane - Of course, we all know Daria's love life didn't stop there.

Daria (rolls eyes) - Oh, boy, here it comes.

Jane - First my brother, then my boyfriend.

Daria - I just thank God you don't have a dog.

Jane - Let's watch the sordid story unfold.

("Jane's Addition" - Jane and Daria are standing in the Zon as Tom, across the room, lowers his glass and gazes at Jane)

Jane - That guy keeps looking at me.

(later... Jane and Tom talking)

Tom - You like convertibles?

Jane - Sofas?

Tom - Cars.

Jane - Why, you got one?

Tom - Um, no... but the roof of my car is rusting through.

("Dye! Dye! My Darling" - Daria walks into Jane's room, interrupting a smooching session between Jane and Tom)

Daria - Oh!

(Jane and Tom separate)

Tom - Oops.

Jane - Oy.

("I Loathe a Parade" - Jane and Daria are standing on the sidewalk, Jane with a camera and Daria with a grocery bag containing toilet paper)

Jane - Where the hell is Tom?

Daria - Just because he's a few minutes late doesn't mean he's an inconsiderate jerk who will ultimately bring you nothing but misery.

Jane - I'm glad you're starting to warm to him.

(Daria and Tom standing on the sidewalk)

Tom - Wait a minute... was that a smile I just saw?

Daria - A twitch. More of a tic, really.

Tom - I knew you were having fun.

("Fire!" - Daria and Tom are talking in Penny's room)

Tom - Hey, did you know Stalin had Trotsky killed with an ice pick to the skull?

Daria - Good thing they didn't put him in a glass coffin.

(both laugh as Jane enters the room, looking upset)

Jane - There you are. I was just about to call your house to see where you were.

("Dye! Dye! My Darling" - Daria and Jane are talking in Jane's living room after the disastrous hair striping incident)

Jane - And you've never... made out or anything?

Daria - Come on!

Jane - I know! I'm sorry!

Daria - Can you picture me making out with anyone? Ever?

(cut to Daria and Tom in his car, kissing; after a moment of enjoyment, her eyes fly open and she pulls away)

Daria - Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Tom - I liked it, too.

(they kiss again)

Jane - You vixen, you!

Daria - I can't help it. It's my allure. Come on, let me off the hook and let's look at some other Lawndale lovebirds.

Jane - Okay. (beat) But stay the hell away from Vince Neil.

("Partner's Complaint" - Kevin and Brittany enter the pizza place)

Brittany - Let's never ever fight again, okay? We shan't let anything mar our love.

Kevin - Aw, babe, you're so hot.

("The Daria Hunter" - Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch in a tent as it rains outside)

Mr. O'Neill - Because what good is signing a prenuptial agreement with another, if we don't first sign one with ourself?

Ms. Barch - I never thought it possible. You're sensitive, yet you're a male.

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, well...

(Ms. Barch suddenly leaps on top of Mr. O'Neill, and they begin some serious making out)

("Antisocial Climbers" - Helen speaks to Jake as he tries to read a cereal box)

Helen - I've been seeing an intimacy counselor to promote growth and togetherness in our relationship. It was just easier to schedule if I went alone. I'll fill you in.

("I Don't" - Kevin and Mack are walking through the bridal expo; they pass a booth where a used car salesman-type is selling wedding rings)

Salesman - Hey, fellas... just want you to know we welcome same-sex partners. What you do with the ring is your business.

(Mack and Kevin look shocked)

("Partner's Complaint" - Quinn is on the phone while Daria and Jodie work on their class assignment in the living room)

Quinn (into phone) - That's sweet of you, Russell, but we just went out two weeks ago, so I really can't go out with you again for another three weeks. Well, I consider a hospital visit a date. Sorry. Anyway, good luck with the new kidney and all. Bye.

("Antisocial Climbers" - Helen and Jake are in a mountain cabin)

Jake - Hey, look, Helen. (sexy voice) A bearskin rug.

Helen - Bearskin? Me-ow! (runs out of shot, clearly intending to disrobe)

Jake - Woof! (runs after her)

(hissing, barking and howling is heard as, presumably, Helen and Jake "put some spice back into their marriage")

("This Year's Model" - Claude and Romonica watch as the Fashion Club and several other girls rub the chests of several boys)

Claude (VO) - Now, girls, I want you to rub your hands over those virile young chests. You want them, they want you.

("I Don't" - Mack and Jodie are walking through the bridal expo)

Jodie - If I see one more sweet, dopey girl stuck with a lame-brained idiot...

(as if on cue, here come Kevin and Brittany, holding a ridiculously large bouquet of flowers)

Kevin and Brittany - Hi!

Jane - Memorable moments, all of them. And speaking of memorable lines...

Daria - No highlight show is complete without a montage of repetitive catch phrases.

Jane - Repetitive catch phrases.

Daria - Echolalia.

("I Don't" - Kevin in bleachers after spilling his drink on himself)

Kevin - Aw, man!

("Too Cute" - Kevin, in "ugly face," after being totally ignored)

Kevin - Aw, man...

("The Misery Chick" - Kevin and Mack with Tommy Sherman)

Kevin - I'm the QB.

("Jane's Addition" - Kevin after finishing his multimedia presentation)

Kevin - I was the QB.

("The Invitation" - Kevin and Mack in front of lockers)

Kevin - Yo, Mack Daddy.

Mack - Don't call me that, okay?

("See Jane Run" - Kevin and Mack in front of lockers)

Mack - I've told you a million times, don't call me that!

("Murder, She Snored" - Kevin has just been poisoned)

Kevin - Et tu, Mack Daddy?

Mack - I told you not to call me that! (swings golf club)

("Prize Fighters" - Upchuck running up behind Daria)

Upchuck - Feisty lady!

("The Invitation" - Upchuck, Jane, and Daria at the chip bowls)

Upchuck - Feisty!

("Malled" - Upchuck in the focus group room)

Upchuck - Feisty!

("Fair Enough" - Upchuck in court jester costume)

Upchuck - Feisty!

("Murder, She Snored" - Upchuck's feet are being massaged by Andrea in the Charlie's Angels sequence)

Upchuck - Feisty!

("I Loathe a Parade" - Upchuck driving his "Love Machine" in the parade)

Upchuck - Feisty!

("That Was Then, This is Dumb" - Upchuck at flea market both with Jane and Jesse)

(Upchuck growls)

("My Night at Daria's" - Upchuck at pizza place, holding a soda cup)

(Upchuck growls)

("I Loathe a Parade" - Upchuck stands in front of his car, hood up, with two female police offers glowering at him)

Upchuck - (growls) Feisty!

(one of the officers restrains him while the other starts whacking him with her nightstick)

("The Misery Chick" - Daria and Trent at the Lane front door)

(Trent laughs, then coughs)

("Is It Fall Yet?" - Trent driving the Tank while the rest of the band snoozes in the back)

(Trent laughs, then coughs)

("Fair Enough" - Brittany in Lawndale High auditorium, reacting to the news that Kevin and Quinn will be in the play)

Brittany - Eep!

("The Lawndale File" - Daria, sitting on Jane's bed, reacts to the sound of the doorbell)

Daria - Eep!

("The F Word" - Mr. O'Neill and Mr. DeMartino in their respective hotel room beds)

Mr. O'Neill - Eep!

Mr. DeMartino - Aah!

("Fizz Ed" - Ms. Li and Mrs. Bennett in the office, the former pacing and the latter sitting and drinking Ultra Cola)

Mrs. Bennett - Eep!

("Is It Fall Yet?" - Brittany notices her green hair, courtesy of the pool's chlorine)

Brittany - Eep!

("Is It Fall Yet?" - Kevin rapidly turns to keep the wall map in Mr. DeMartino's room from falling)

Kevin - Eep!

("Too Cute" - Upchuck gingerly holds one of Dr. Shar's Pre-Implant Temporary Bust Augmentations)

Upchuck - Brrrrr... (shivers as he quickly gets the willies)

("The Old and the Beautiful" - Quinn discovers Daria's jacket in her closet)

Quinn - Aaaah!

("The F Word" - Daria sits in Jane's room as Jane appears dressed "normal")

Daria - (shocked) Aaaah!

("One J at a Time" - Jake falls backward as squirrel runs from tipped garbage can)

Jake - Gaaah!

("Is It Fall Yet?" - Mr. DeMartino, at a table with campers, gets his fingers tangled in a lanyard)

Mr. DeMartino - Aaaah...! Lanyards suck! (throws lanyard on table)

("Is It Fall Yet?" - Fashion Club in school hallway)

Ms. Li (over PA) - Show your Lawndale High spirit with the gift of urine.

Fashion Club - Ewwww...!

("Arts 'N Crass" - Mr. O'Neill reacts to the poem on Daria and Jane's poster)

Mr. O'Neill - Eww.

("Fire!" - Fashion Club on lounge chairs around the hotel pool)

Stacy - Eww.

("Lane Miserables" - Jake and Helen at front door; Trent has just handed Jake his toothbrush)

Jake - Ewwww...

("I Loathe a Parade" - Fashion Club has just gotten covered with exhaust soot and fumes)

Fashion Club - Ewwww...!

Jane - After this break, Fashion Club scenes and fantastic dreams. (to Daria) Do we have time for a snack? My stomach's grumbling.

Daria - So's my very nature.

("Aunt Nauseam" - Helen stands next to Jake, who is sitting on the sofa and holding a flat cake)

Jake (meekly) - Johnnycake?

("That Was Then, This is Dumb" - Helen tosses Willow a bag from the freezer)

Helen - Sister... meet the frozen bagel.

("Prize Fighters" - Jake reading from a cookbook)

Jake - How does hot dog jalapeño hotties sound for tonight?

("The Lost Girls" - Daria has just had a taste of Jake's chili)

Daria - Chili con... cheese puff?

("Through A Lens Darkly" - at the pizza place, Daria has just explained to Jane her reasoning for prefering glasses to contact lenses)

Jane - You're a twisted little cruller, ain't ya?

("I Don't" - Kevin explains his logic for him and Mack attending the bridal expo, even though Brittany and Jodie don't want them to)

Kevin - Forbidden fruit, man... forbidden fruit.

(commercial bumper)

Daria - Welcome back to the home stretch of the Daria retrospective, "Look Back In Annoyance."

Jane - Can anything compare with the friendships formed by a tight-knit group of teenage girls?

Daria - Other than the friendships formed by a tankful of starving piranhas, I can't think of a thing.

Jane - They're not starving piranhas, Daria, they're dieting.

Daria - My mistake. Let's all grab a body-flaw-correcting swimsuit and dive into the tank with the Fashion Club.

("Road Worrier" - the Fashion Club and company standing at the door of Mom's Diner, taking in the diner's clientele)

Tiffany - Uck. Stretch pants. Everywhere, stretch pants.

Stacy - Hey, these are stretch pants! I'm wearing stretch pants!

(Stacy starts hyperventilating; Sandi grabs her by the arms to calm her down)

Sandi - They're leggings! They're... leggings. It's all right.

(Stacy gives a high-pitched sigh of relief)

("The New Kid" - Fashion Club at cafeteria table)

Sandi - As president of the Fashion Club, I can be kind of intimidating.

Quinn - Oh, you're definitely scary, Sandi.

("Fair Enough" - Sandi and Tiffany, at the pie booth, listen to Stacy crying about a guy not calling her back; all are in period costume)

Tiffany - He's not worth it. No guy is.

Stacy (tearfully) - Thanks, guys. Oh, it's so great to know I can count on my true friends.

Tiffany - So then... he's not dating anyone now?

(Stacy starts crying again)

("Too Cute" - Brooke has just explained how a person's butt holds enough fat to keep your lips luscious for decades)

Tiffany - God works in mysterious ways.

("Fat Like Me" - Quinn, dressed in yellow sweats, is coaching Sandi at the swimming pool)

Quinn - Beauty never rests. (shakes fist) Now swim, you cow, swim!

Sandi (indignant) - What?

Quinn - Sorry... coach talk.

Jane - Truly inspirational.

Daria - Yes. I'm inspired to puke.

Jane - I've got a better idea. Let's take a break from reality and step through the looking glass into a magical world of wonder.

Daria - Magical world of wonder? I thought we were doing our montage of idiotic fantasies.

Jane - Hey, we're gonna be out of work soon. I'm trying to get a job with Disney.

("College Bored" - Quinn's fantasy about her college roommates: a muscular guy in a towel, a preppie, and a cowboy)

Towel Guy - Hey, this must be the new roommate. Guys.

Preppie - Excellent. The new roommate.

Cowboy - Howdy, roomie.

("Depth Takes a Holiday" - Cupid is floating outside Daria's window, holding onto St. Patrick's Day)

St. Patrick's Day - Oh, shut up, you bloody... (Cupid drops him) ...idiot!

(Daria leans out the window to look)

("Daria!" - faculty and students are singing about the hurricane in the school gymnasium)

Upchuck (singing) - But what if, what if, what if the town blew away?

Kevin (singing) - Where would the football players play?

Fashion Club (singing) - Where would we go to shop all day?

Mr. DeMartino and Mrs. Bennett (singing) - Would we still get three months off with pay?

Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch (singing) - If the town blew away?

("Write Where it Hurts" - Three J's, on horseback, approach Daria and Quinn in Daria's Sense and Sensability spoof)

Joey - Miss Quinn, may I get you a bracing spot of tea?

Jeffy - Do you need a powder to cure the vapors?

Jamie - I'll tune your pianoforté.

("Legends of the Mall" - Mr. DeMartino, as Metalmouth, in shop class)

Metalmouth - Would anyone care to see my new teeth in action? (takes a huge bite out of the door)

("Daria!" - Daria, Jane, Kevin, and Brittany singing and dancing on the school roof)

All (singing) - The big, wet rainstorm's over!

("Legends of the Mall" - the Morgendorffers as a '50s family in the "House of Bad Grades" story; Jake is showing off his new bomb shelter)

Jake - How do you like the shelter, kids?

Quinn - Daddy, it's swell!

("Sappy Anniversary" - Daria's daydream: she and Tom are in a dull, grey room, and she's a reclining chair)

Tom - She's the perfect companion piece. No muss, no fuss. She offers the very best in lumbar support and durability. (sits down and leans back)

(Daria groans)

Tom - Dating doesn't get any easier than this.

("Through A Lens Darkly" - Daria's hall of mirrors nightmare)

(as her glasses-less image becomes distored and horrific, Daria wakes up with a gasp)

("Write Where it Hurts" - Jodie as a witch, Mack as a knight on horseback)

Jodie - Have you my payment? The tender liver of a newborn babe?

Mack - I'm little short on livers. Tell you what... (pulls out cards and fans them) ...play you a quick game of five-card stud for it.

Jodie - Jacks are wild.

("Ill" - Daria's dream: she's in heaven with Mrs. Sullivan, and heaven is populated with slackers and losers)

Guy - This is heaven, sweetheart. What would we want with a brain?

Daria - I don't...

Mrs. Sullivan - Mmm... sorry.

(a thunderclap sounds and Daria drops, screaming, through a hole in the clouds towards a firey light)

("Write Where it Hurts" - Daria's future story: an elderly Helen and a grown-up Quinn, baby in tow, sit at the kitchen table)

Helen - How are you, Quinn?

Quinn - Oh, you know, another day, another baby.

("Lucky Strike" - Daria sits in Ms. Li's office, with Devil Daria and Angel Daria on either side of her head)

Devil Daria - Hey, you hungry?

Angel Daria - Yeah. We can pick this up later.

(both disappear in small puffs)

("The F Word" - Jane's daydream: she's a popular cheerleader)

Kevin - Way to go, babe.

Jane - Thanks, babe.

(Kevin sweeps her into his arms and they kiss)

("Lane Miserables" - Daria's daydream: she's married to a middle-aged, pot-bellied, unemployed Trent)

Daria - Oh, Trent. Whatever happened to the man I married?

Trent - We never got married, remember? I overslept.

Jane - See what happens when you let your imagination run wild?

Daria - From now on, my imagination's under curfew.

Jane - Oh, Daria, how do you come up with your clever one-liners?

Daria - I start out with clever two-liners and then I cut them in half.

Jane - Let's take a look at some of Daria's vintage wisecracks. The show wouldn't be the same without them.

Daria - No. It would be shorter.

Jane - All right already. Yeesh!

("Esteemsters" - Daria and family at the kitchen table)

Daria - I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake.

Jake - I'll say.

Daria - I have low esteem for everyone else.

("I Don't" - Daria and Quinn are about to meet the other bridesmaids)

Daria - We are now entering hell. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car.

("Write Where it Hurts" - Helen and Daria at the kitchen table, Daria reading Gardner's On Moral Fiction)

Helen - Daria, do you have to look at everything in such a negative light?

Daria - Could you possibly be referring to the harsh light of reality?

("Mart of Darkness" - Jane and Daria are wandering the isles, with Jane realizing she was totally in the wrong regarding Tom and the gummi bear incident)

Jane - I don't have a leg to stand on, do I?

Daria - I'd rather not answer that, stumpy.

("The F Word" - Daria and Jane in school hallway)

Jane - Maybe you should try failing at not being sarcastic.

Daria - (sarcastic) Yeah, that's a good idea.

("I Loathe a Parade" - on the sidewalk next to the parade, the Lawndale High mascot staggers and struggles with his costume head)

Mascot - My head's too big!

Daria - That's 'cause it's so full of dreams.

("Monster" - Jake removes a tape from the VCR as Quinn and Daria watch)

Jake - Isn't it great to sit here and see your whole life unfold before your eyes?

Daria - It's almost as good as drowning.

Jane - Wow. Well, I think that's just about enough wallowing in the past.

Daria - Let's wallow in the future with a sneak peek at our new Daria movie, "Is It College Yet?"

Jane - Debuting January 21st at 8 P.M. Eastern and featuring the premiere of a brand-new video by Garbage. Now sit back, relax, and for God's sake, don't blink.

Daria - Spoiler alert!

(instrumental version of "Is It College Yet?" theme plays over a montage of scenes from the movie)

Jane - With ten minutes to spare for commercials. (sarcastic) Thanks for the time, MTV.

Daria - And thank you, viewers, for sticking with us through it all. Now we've got to clear out and make room for something that better fits the schedule.

Jane - You know, "MTV Presents 'Kids Talking About Sex... During Sex!'"

Daria - So long, everybody.

Jane - Toodle-oo!

(screen fades to black, then Daria and Jane's heads reappear in two small circles)

Jane - I think we just blew our invites to the Video Music Awards.

Daria - We never get good seats anyway.

(fade out to end credits)