Diablo Cody, Eulogist

''[Scene: A funeral. A group of mourners stand around the coffin as the deceased's mother gives a eulogy.]''


 * Janet's Mother: Even though Janet is no longer with us, she's still alive in my heart. I love you my baby girl.

[She starts to weep, as the priest pats her on the back]


 * Priest: We will now hear a few words from Janet's friend, Diablo Cody.

[Famous screenwriter Diablo Cody steps forward from behind the priest]


 * Diablo Cody: Janet was a hoe-lympic athlete, and her sport... flirting. When we hung out, it was like Flirt and Ernie. Screw the recession, that girl was always in business. She was hotter than an oven on the sun. She was always sexting these incredible hunks, like Josh. I thought he was a homo-skillet, but that's besides the Tito Puente. On a scale of one to zen, Janet was my B-to-the-double-F power, and I'm gonna miss her like Dimina Elliott. You know, Janet was my fashionista-sister. She had this one tube top, the thing made her look like a pixie stick smuggling volleyballs smuggling grapes smuggling craisins. So put your mitts together and make some Alfred. Alfred Noise... the poet. Make some noise. And I'm out like slap bracelets. Peace in the middle-yeast infection...

[Suddenly the coffin bursts open from the inside as a furious Janet sits up to everyone's shock.]


 * Janet: Shut the [fuck] up already! Mom, why is Diablo Cody here? Did you even read my suicide note?