Max Jets

And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! So, can I get you guys a drink to start? Iced tea, soda? Tap water's fine, and we'll take a basket of your free-est bread. Dad, can we get an appetizer? Appetizer? Honey, good news, Hayley has been made the Queen of Denmark. You better give Kingorva T an heir before he discovers you've spent all his treasure on jalapeÃ±o poppers. I don't think he wants you to get an appetizer. What's the big deal? The big deal is I'm the only one in this family with a job, and it's a low-paying government job. And your mom doesn't make a cent, but at least she lets me have sex with her, which is more than I can say for you two. Wait. Do you want us to have No, but it wouldn't hurt to offer once in a while. Anyway, I crunched some numbers and with the way we spend money, we're gonna be broke in no time. We'll just share the grilled chicken off the kids menu. And make sure you grill it on the barbie. Pretty good, huh? Gina, consider that amazing impression your tip. Because you won't be getting a tip. Well, Stan, I've got some news that might just put your money troubles in the rearview. Guess who's getting out of jail tomorrow. Charles Manson? He's gonna finish what he started? What? No. I'll give you a hint: He's rich, he's obnoxious, and he loves showering this family with gifts and cash. Max Jets? The one and only. Really? Oh, my God. Crikey! Six years that guy's been in the slammer. Wonder if I'll even recognize him when I pick him up. Max Jets, you're free to go. Great. Sorry to see you go, Max. You were a model prisoner. You basically just slept for six years. Ugh, I can't believe you guys always go along with this Max Jets charade. It's just Roger dressed up in another one of his stupid outfits. Yeah, but this character's loaded, so he's more likeable. He's an annoying, inconsiderate old douche. Last time he was here, dude borrowed my car and returned it with no wiper fluid. I don't know what he did with it, spraying it all over town. Well, we're gonna have to suck it up because I'm tired of living on the cheap. I'm done using dirty Kleenex as toilet paper, and vice versa. He's here. Smiles, everyone. Smiles. Max. Don't get too close. I got a cold. Ah ah Ah-choo! Max is back. You're so clever. Spending mucus! Oh, Max, it's so good to see you. And it looks like you still have your fortune. Please, when you know what I know about Bill Gates, the money faucet just keeps a-flowin'. Oh, great, because I have some dental work I've been putting off. I could use some new school clothes. I have an alarming amount of credit card debt that I've been hiding from the family. Don't you worry. Max Jets will take care of everything. But first, I missed a lot of elections, so I got to vote real quick. Stan. Aren't you tired of washing your face after every time you blow your nose? Let him vote. Oh, Max. Click. Democracy gets me hungry. What do you say we go out to a nice dinner on me? All right. Yeah. Appetizers. I'm so glad you're back, Max. Me, too. Oh, special election. You let him. Max, paying all our bills was one thing, but all these gifts I mean my fur, these diamonds, Stan's grill. This is just the beginning. Hey, you with the ass I'd like to take a nap on, we're ready to order. Oh, great, you guys. I'll get you the bread and ice water. Ice water? I want every soda and beer you got. You know what? Just bring us everything on the menu. And while you're at it, bring us all the menus. I don't want anyone else ordering while we're here. And this is for you. I'm pre-tipping, and if you like the tip, later on I'll give you the whole thing. Oh-ho-ho! Very appropriate, Max. So, uh, what's the plan? You know, now that you're out of prison. Well, Stan, I'm a changed man. Now that I've been raped by some guys that actually know what they're doing, I just want to share, you know, give a little back. So, you're gonna give all your money to charity? I'm sorry. I didn't hear you, dear. My ears aren't working so well. I got AIDS in prison. Hearing aids; I should really use them. Then I might've heard that guy who snuck up on me in the shower and gave me HIV. Anyhow, I'm not a young man anymore, and I just want to spend my money on the only people in my life. You people. You people?! Who are you calling, "You people"? Them. Oh, sorry. I thought you meant the letter U. As in the "U People. " I've been looking for them for a long time. They live underground, you see. That's where the U comes from. They're hard to find, but if you find one, it is tasty. Okay. I need to get as far away from this weirdo as possible. How about we all go to Spain? On me. Spain's gonna be incredible. I can't wait to be so close to Portugal. Morning, all. So, what's going on? We were just talking about how excited we are for our trip to Spain, the birthplace of Mexican napping. Yeah, about that. I don't think we're gonna go. Oh, and all that stuff I bought you, I'm gonna need that back. What? Yeah, Gina says I've been spending too much money. Gina? Who's Gina? My new sweetheart. You didn't gasp. That's 'cause I don't understand what's happening. We just lost our sugar daddy. Oh, now I get it. Liar. You have no idea what I'm talking about. Max, the waitress? Waitresses are supposed to date waiters. What the hell? How did you two even wind up together? Well, last night after my shift, I found him changing his diaper behind his Rolls Royce in the parking lot. Those teriyaki wings shot through me like a bullet. And we just really hit it off. We've been together ever since. Exclamation point! Look at that. We're already finishing each other's sentences. Well, providing punctuation, but that's A start. Hey! Hey! Come on, honey, let's go buy you a car and some Botox for your super-bumpy areolas. No way she could be interested in Max. Hot girls are never into guys that old. Unless they're after one thing. Fatherly advice. Do you seriously still not know what's going on? Ehh. After all the money we've let him spend on us, we can't just let him stop. So many secret elections. We have to convince Max to get rid of Gina. Because she's gonna take all our money. Way to go, Mom; you get it. I understand everything. There's still time to save Des Moines. So Gina seems really nice, but there is quite an age difference between you two and sometimes a girl can seem interested, and I'm not saying she's not, but She's a gold digger, bro. Don't be ridiculous. Wake up, leprechaun. She's after your gold. I assure you, Stan. Gina loves me. She hasn't asked me for a single cent. In fact, the only thing she wants to do is sing. Which is why I built her this. What happened to the basement? Where's the water heater? Hey, baby. I've got my cans on. Yeah, you do, baby. "Cans" is recording studio talk for huge breasts. Look, Stan, I appreciate your concern, but the love Gina has for me is pure. My love is pure Purely for money Money from people Who I don't love Old men disgust me I'd never love one Unless they give me money Hands across America, bitches. I know what you're thinking, Stan. One take, no mistake. Slap it in the oven, easy bake. What do you think, Jeremy? Is it a hit? I brought you guys here so you can get to know Gina better. I know you have your doubts, but once you get to know her, I'm sure you'll see what I see. Breathe. Hey, guys. Hot enough for you? Listen, Chuckles. I know what you're up to, and I don't like it. I don't know what you're talking about. Don't you? Kiss her, Mommy. Kiss her. Come on, Maxie. It's too crowded in here. Let's go play some volleyball. You go. I'll have fun watching you have fun. Okay. Hey, why don't you two lovebirds kiss before you go? Love to. See, Max, she's repulsed by you. What? She does that every time we kiss. She says it's because she gets so excited. Max, are you okay with that? With what? Stop. It's like a damn Dr. Dre video out there. I see what you mean. I've been an old fool. This is not right. No, it's not right. It's offensive. Right in your face. What's happening? I zoned out for a second. I can't do this anymore. Gina? Gina, can I talk to you? That's right, bitch. Cry. No more money for Why is he getting down on one knee? Please be a bomb. Please be a ring bomb. You were right! I needed to lock this down! We're getting married! Commissioning and defacing this painting of Gina was a good first step, but how are we going to remain the sole beneficiaries in Max's will? We're screwed! Once he marries Gina, he's gonna leave everything to her! I wanted to be rich! I wanted to be the first boy to whack it on the moon! Well, then it's clear what we have to do. We have to kill Gina. We can't kill Gina! Max will know it was us and completely cut us off. Well, we gotta think of something. I want to be the mother of the first boy to whack it on the moon! Well, then the only way to ensure we get that money is to kill Max before he gets married and changes his will. You do realize that Roger is Max, right? I mean by killing Max, you'll be killing Roger. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Gotta break some eggs. - What's this? - Our wedding cake. The ultimate tribute to my bride. Well, I'm sure it'll be a nice change of pace for her to be at a party where she ends up inside everyone else. It's been a while since my wedding. How much does a wife-cake set you back these days? I told Maxie he didn't need to spend so much of his money on me. My dove, after we're married, everything that's mine will be yours. So it's really our money. Not until tomorrow! Oh, honey, look, I got you the best wedding singer on the East Coast. He's gonna sing the "Thong Song" when Gina walks down the aisle. Uh, testing, one, two. She had dumps like a truck, truck-truck Thighs like what, what-what Baby, move your butt, butt-butt! Well, everything looks great, guys. Traditional, classy, subtle. He's gonna blow half of our money on this wedding alone. I say we kill him now! Just be patient. Hey, have you guys met Reverend Ping Ping? Max flew Ping Ping first class from China and put him up at the Four Seasons. You'll be fine. Just thank everyone for coming, maybe start with a joke. Something just occurred to me. Can you talk? You're right, Stan. We gotta kill that old son of a bitch right now! You're gonna do it, right, Dad? Of course. I'm trained in these matters. Got the background, the chops, the know-how, the "Say Hey. " Great. Then it's settled. You kill Max, Gina's out of the picture, and we all split the inheritance money. Right, with an extra 30% for me. What? 30%? Standard killer's fee. I do all the work, I get something extra. No way! I want the money! So do I! I'll burn him to the ground! No, I'll do it. Two to the head, dynamite up the butt, whatev. How hard can it be? Idiots! It has to look like an accident. Look, just leave this to me. You guys'll only screw it up. We'll see about that. I say whoever kills him first gets the bonus. Okay, then every man for himself. And may the best killer win. What are you two doing up here?! I'm murdering! Mind your own business! You don't even know how to murder! You don't even have good murder stuff! Both of you zip it! Neither one of you are murdering! Mommy's murdering! Amateurs. Ooh, soup! Ah! I like it when your booty goes Baby, make your booty go That thong-th-thong- thong-thong! Dad, wake up! The wedding! It's happening! Oh, my God! We have to go! Ooh, soup! No! Right! We've got to get down there! I was electrocuted. I should be dead or at least be able to control things with my mind. I like it when your booty goes Let me see your booty go-o-o, yeah! Oh, my God, we're o late! All that money is now hers! We get nothing! I won't go back to packing a cooler when we go skiing. I'm eating lodge food! I need my $20 chili! Hey, guys! How about that Reverend Ping Ping, huh? Had no idea his accent was gonna be so thick. Ha. Oh, well. The Chinese are taking over this god-forsaken planet. Might as well get used to it. Congratulations, Gina. You did it. You got him to marry you and now the money's yours. From now on I'm gonna call you "Allied Nevada Precious Metal Exploration Company," because you, Gina, are a gold digger. Long way to go for that one, son. You watch what you say about my wife! It's okay, Maxie. I know what you think of me, but you're all wrong. I didn't marry Max for his money. And that's why I insisted on signing this prenup. What?! When the angels take my Maxie to heaven, I get nothing, nada, zilch. You have disappointed me. I would like to invite Max and non-cake Gina up to cut cake Gina. We're terrible people. I feel awful. We owe Gina an apology. We were so blinded by our greed that we missed two people finding true love. Just look at them. So happy. Which piece do you want? You know! You know that's how I like to do that! This family will never again allow money to corrupt Oh, my God! He's dead! Yes! We're rich! We got his money We got his money The good Lord gave us his money Thank you, ow! Baby Jesus, ha! For giving us all of that money! Oh Yeah! Baby Jesus Yeah! Baby Jesus Yeah! Baby Jesus Yeah! Baby Jesus. Sing the song, Max Jets-ah! Ohm you can't-ah! 'Cause you're dead-ah! I will now read from the last will and testament. I Maximus Horatio Shamus Benny and the Jets, of sound mind and body, choose to leave all of my assets and worldly possessions to my son, Jerry Jets. What? Who's that? Me. Of course. You! Yeah, me. But how? Counsel, could you excuse us? We have some private illegal matters to discuss. Of course. Take your time. I don't understand. Allow me to explain with marionettes. My nephew got in here. Screw it. I'll do it with flashbacks. My father and I were estranged, so much so that we couldn't even be in the same room at the same time. But he was so proud of Gina that he couldn't resist introducing me to her. And then Jerry and I started having an affair, and we did it, like, all the time. And we did it everywhere. Oh! My bed! Come on! I convinced Max to patch things up with Jerry and leave him everything in his will. Oop! I got 'em untangled. I'll take it from here, darling! Then Gina put poison in the cake and fed it to my dear old dad. Damn it! I signed the prenup so no one would suspect me. Now Gina and I have my father's fortune and we can live happily ever after. Farewell, you penniless fools! So, have you decided? Um, I see it says kids eat free? Does that include kids at heart? Yes, it does. Yippee! Four koala kids' meals. What's up, homies? Roger, what are you doing here? Aren't you traveling the world as Jerry Jets? Yeah, about that. Turns out Gina was even more evil than I thought. She killed Jerry for his money. Beat him down with an oar. Blood everywhere. Gruesome. Sexy. But you're Jerry. Uh-huh. So how could she kill Jerry, who was you, without killing you? And how did Max die without you dying? You know what? I would love, love to explain all of it to you, but we're out of time.