Big Daddy (1999)

- Hello? - Sonny, it's your dad You asleep? No. Hey, man. I was exercising. - Bullshit You were sleeping - I wasn't. This kid won't stop lying to me You still act like you're six Yeah, okay, Dad I act like I'm six Found a job yet, where you work more than one day a week? I've been looking Looking won't pay the rent All the money I won from the cab accident is kicking ass in the stock market, so relax - Don't blow it on worthless crap - I won't You should spend it on your bar exam You're the lawyer I ain't taking a bar exam I got too much other shit going on I don't know what happened to you How're things going with your girlfriend, Vanessa? Things are going fine. Shit! I gotta go. Shit! You turned off the alarm clock again. No! I mean, yes, I did, but I thought you needed more sleep. I shouldn't have stayed here. That was a jerk thing to do. Why are you going to work? It's Sunday. I'm not going to work. I'm going to brunch with potential clients. That's how a party planner gets business, by making contacts. Meet with me. I'll order in from Cozy's. We'll have fun. I am sick of Cozy's. You order in from there all the time. The delivery guy's your best friend. He happens to be pretty damn nice. This is a rough patch in my life. Syracuse is 0 and 3. And I got those medical problems. Medical problems? A cab runs over your foot two years ago. You're hospitalized one night. First of all, that cab was huge. And a jury decided that one night of pain was worth $200,000. - So there you go. - Whatever. Why are you being so nuts to me lately? You refuse to move on to the next phase. I'd like to have a family someday. I need someone I can rely on, not a playmate. You need a father figure? "Stop pulling your sister's hair!" You know what? I'm gonna go to Syracuse to see my mom. - I'll be back on Wednesday. - What are you talking about? I had call for delivery, but it was crank call. You want chocolate cake? Come back later. I'll Indian wrestle you. You're going down, sucker. We'll see about that. Okay. Peace, out. You're going to Syracuse? I need time to think and so do you. Think about what? Your life and why I should be a part of it. All right. While you're at it, think about getting a real job. I got a real job! Patrick Ewing, nice shot. - Hey, Sonny. - What's up, buddy boy? I'm out the door. Hey, pal. - Where you going? - Manhattan. You wanna take me with you? All right, I guess. Hold onto your money. Later on. Okay, take care, Sonny. See you. Cadillac, I love it. Surprise! Just ignore him. It's only Sonny. It's only Sonny. Yeah, it's only me. It's only me. - What's going on? - Corinne's going-away party for Kevin. She didn't tell me. The roommate has a right to know. She knew you'd ruin the surprise. No, I wouldn't. Hey, surprise. Surprise. What's going on? We wasted the good surprise on you. All right. Is this your handiwork? I guess. See you in three hours. Good to see you stiffs. What've you been doing? Last three weeks have been crazy. I've been in Denver, Dallas... I'm sleeping in the office. We're going to trial on the fraud case. Honey, it was a great surprise. I was totally shocked. No, you weren't! And I worked so hard on this. Need some help? - Honey, your sister's here. - Hey, sweetie. I hate Sonny. My client's out $7 million. All we can sue on is breach of contract. Maybe you can sue under the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. I gotta get back to the office. You're the king. Mikey, a pleasure. - I'll see you at home. - All right. I'll walk you out. I gotta admit, I'm still weirded out when they kiss. Why? They're gay. That's what gay guys do. I know, but they were like brothers to us back in school. They're still like our brothers. Our very, very gay brothers. What are you doing after this? Going to a Klan meeting? Remember when Dad had that barbecue for his friends and it rained... ...so he and Mom went into the kitchen and made... ...100 hamburgers with one frying pan? You're not gonna let a little rain stop you from making 100 hamburgers. That relationship's lasted longer than I thought it would. Look at his eyes. He's bored. I give it two more weeks. Hey, excuse me. Everybody! I'm sorry. I wanted to thank you for coming tonight. I guess I should say... I'm getting it. Tomorrow I'm leaving for China to represent the firm of Morton and Mandel. Me, the same guy who once shaved his ass to win a $5 bet. Prove it! Just kidding. But I am real glad you're all here tonight, because... ...I'm gonna do what I never thought I'd have the guts to do. You're not proposing, are you? Yeah, pal, I am. Well, think about it, you know? God, Sonny, shut up! Anyway, will you? Yeah. Good call on the two weeks. Sonny, what was that all about? Congratulations. You and "Big Boobs" McGee are gonna be happy. Don't call her that. You wanna tell your children you met their mother as a waitress at Hooters? Sonny, that was five years ago. She's a doctor now... ...and my fiance, so from now on... ...Dr. Big Boobs McGee. - Congratulations. - Thanks, man. I just... ...got shit going on. What's the matter? Vanessa's gonna break up with me... ...and I don't know how to make her wanna stay. She's getting older. She wants different things: Career, stable relationship, a family. That's how they get. I want things to go back to the way they used to be. When we were at Syracuse, and Vanessa worshiped you. - That was nice. - Nobody hassled you to get a job. Tommy and Phil showered separately. Those were the days. - What're you doing? - lf I make this... ...Vanessa will realize she likes me the way I am. You're going to the putt. Remember, the roof breaks to the right. Yes! That's what I'm talk... Good God! That can't be good. Where's Kevin? He already left. I guess he forgot to say goodbye to you. - Why are you here? - I'm cleaning because you're useless. Then what, you gonna go to your Hooters reunion? You guys talk about whose ass hangs out of their shorts the most? At least I can fit my ass in my shorts, fatty. Speaking of fatty, whose is this? - I don't know. - I'm eating it then. "We wasted the good surprise on you." Lady gave me $5 to bring him here. - What do you mean? - Later. Are you selling raffle tickets? Oh, boy. - Kevin Gerrity. - I got something to tell you What's up? There's a kid here. What kind of kid? If this note is true, it's your kid. What do you mean? I'm having a tough time reading this... ...but it says, "Dear Kevin: This is Julian, your son. I hope you understand why I didn't tell you until now... but he needs your help I can't be his mother anymore" - This is ridiculous. - Hang on Who's this? This is my friend. - Is that Kevin on the phone? - No, it's my Uncle Remus. What's your name? Is he all right? He doesn't like you. Leave us alone. You're such a dick. That was your girlfriend. She was acting "Hooterific." Who sent that note? "Jan." Jan... I don't know any Jan. - Where's he from? - Where are you from? Buffalo. I've never even been to Buffalo. Maybe it's a mistake. Is this like the time you said my parents were dead? I swear, he's right here. I'm coming home. I don't know what I'll say... Hang on. It says... ..."If you won't take responsibility for him, they found a foster family..." Yes, Uncle Remus, I know the catfish are huge. That's terrific Here's a number for a guy... at City Social Service Arthur Brooks I'll call - I'll come home - I'll take care of it. Are you sure? Yeah, don't worry. Hooters. Hooters. Hooters! - All right. Thanks a lot. - Later I'm gonna make another phone call. You want to come and sit down, pal? Or you can stand there. Anything you want. I'll be a minute. Social Services is closed today, Columbus Day We'll be open tomorrow at 8 am Columbus Day. Boy, I don't know what to tell you. Everything's gonna get figured out tomorrow. Can you be a tough little guy until then? Great. Do I need to get you a bottle of formula or something? What do you eat? Food. Yeah? I eat food too. What? Come on. You need me to hold your hand? On Mondays, I go to Central Park and watch rollerbladers fall down. - You into that? - I don't know. Watch. This guy's humming. He's going down, he's going down, he's going! How old are you, anyways? Five. You wear a diaper? You wipe your own ass then? You do? Good job. That's cool. Come on, fall down. Fall down. Yes! Come on, damn it. You suck. You suck! Check this out. My God! There's a stick there. Somebody should move it. All right now, what way would you put that on? This Columbo, he pretends to be stupid... ...but he's really smart as a tack. Oh, yeah, he is. You put the vane on down there Then this boat comes up I wipe my own ass. Me too. So, Mr. Ass Wiper, what's this guy's name? Scuba Steve. Does he ever take his flippers off? What if he goes bowling? They don't make him wear bowling shoes? He wears flippers? Really? I had a doll like that at one time. But my cat, he bite his head off. What cat would do that? You calling me a liar? Hey, take it easy. Anyways... ...Jets are playing tonight. We're gonna go to the Blarney Stone. Wanna come? I've got more deliveries. Maybe you can also finish the turkey on your lip. Right there. Let's crank up the Styx No music during the game. - It's halftime. Relax, Mr. Herlihy. - Goddamn Jets. What are you doing in here, cutie? Watching football. - Who do you want to win? - The goddamn Jets. Have fun. Too bad you don't like girls. I think you could've had her. - I'm thirsty. - You're thirsty? Are you allowed soda? I don't know. My mom always said soda rots your teeth... ...but you'll lose them anyway, so rot on. - Can we get two root beers? - Sure. When I graduated law school, we met here every Monday to watch football. Who would meet you? My friends, Vanessa. Vanessa always rooted against the team I wanted to win just to bust my chops. But everybody's so busy with their crap lately, no one comes. Like I'm not busy? Shut up or I'll smack you through the wall like last Monday. Last Monday was a fluke. Bring it on, woman. Anytime. He drinks a lot of soda. I'm telling you, buddy. Vanessa, she's the one. I can't lose her. I'm not getting any handsomer. Every day I get a little bit older and balder and fatter. Fatter? At your age I could eat anything. Wouldn't gain an ounce. Now, I have a chocolate shake, my ass jiggles for a week. - Enjoy the metabolism while you got it. - Metalobism? Good God, it's 2:30 in the morning. You must be wrecked. Anyways, I had fun today. Did you have fun? Yeah, you're all right. Have a good one. Could I have a night-light? Night-light? I think I can help you out. Hang on. Let's see here. There you go, all right? Are you my dad? No, I'm not, but... ...that Dad and Mom thing we'll figure out in the morning. You just go to sleep. - Good night. - Good night. Go get the can, okay? Go! Go! Go! I'm thinking about keeping the kid. Remember when we went to the pet store... ...and you wanted that puppy, but I reminded you about feeding it... ...cleaning it and toilet training it? This is kind of like that, except with a human. I mean, I'm glad you had fun and all, but this is big. I gotta do something big. I think Vanessa will respect that. You think that since women get pregnant to fix a troubled relationship... ...why can't a guy adopt a kid to do the same? I didn't think of it like that. But yes, that's what I'm thinking. Sounds nuts to me, pal. Do yourself a favor. Sleep on it. You're right. Can I use your phone? Arthur Brooks speaking. How you doing? Kevin Gerrity. Right on, Mr. Gerrity We were expecting you. Do you still got a foster family lined up for Julian? Yes, we do. I've decided to take care of the little guy. Way to sleep on it, pal. You two want to get married, I support that. When parents take the responsibility, there's no bigger high for us. I'm psyched about it too So that's it. Yep. Good luck to you and your son. My son. Goddamn stick! That's my boy. Go back to sleep. Well, I'm going back to sleep. Nighty-night. I wet my bed. Oh, God. That's a shitload of piss. There you go, all right? No more wetness. Sleep, all right? Just try to sleep. Stay asleep. Sit still! Lay! All right! I'm up! It smells like urine in this joint. Good job. What're you doing there, boy? Making cereal. Oh, yeah? Why don't you pour me a bowl? Or don't pour me a bowl. Either way. I got it. I got it. We can fix this. It's not a big deal. Look. See? See how quick it goes away? Crybaby, come on. Don't worry about it, boy. Scuba Steve, damn you! You think that's funny, me getting hurt? There's a bright side to being up before 11: McDonald's breakfast. I haven't been up for that in 10 years. You wanna go? Tie your shoes, we'll go. Hurry. It's like 12 blocks from here, so tie quickly. Do you need help with that? I can do it. Let me do it. You loop it, you swoop it and you pull. You loop it, you swoop it, you pull. Good. Let's go. We're in a hurry. It's different for your generation. You've always had McDonald's breakfast available. I have? When I was born, all we had were the burgers and fries. Maybe the fish sandwich. I'm not sure. I'll get back to you. What are you doing? Oh, yeah, the hand-holding thing. My dad took us to McDonald's the first morning they had breakfast. Everybody was baffled. "Are these sausages or hamburgers?" I have to go to the bathroom. We're gonna be there in a minute. I gotta go now. Didn't you pee enough in bed? We only got nine minutes to get there. But I gotta go to the bathroom. All right, let's go. Can my kid use the bathroom for a minute? Customers only. He's just a kid. We'll be in and out. That's not my problem. It's not your problem? All right. Come on. Here you are. Your waiter will be right with you. I can't do it. What do you mean, you can't do it? Just go. I'm scared. Could you do it too? All right. Here we go. And we're off. That's not too difficult, right? And we're both losing weight. Good job. We're gonna miss breakfast. Let's go. Put it away. - Thanks, anyways. - Sure thing. Anytime. Move your ass there, pee-boy. We only got five minutes, five minutes. Now four. Come on. We're almost there. Hey, mister. Why are you sitting on the ground? This is where I live. We gotta get going. Why? In retrospect, I made some bad choices after high school. - We gotta get going. - Why? This was during the so-called Disco Era... ...but for me, it was more the Doing Mushrooms Era. - We're gonna miss breakfast. - Why? I never thought about that. I was never Mr. Popularity in high school... ...and I watched Fantasia a lot. - One day it clicked. - Hey, yappy. If you end it, you get an Egg McMuffin. How about a Sausage McMuffin with hash browns? You got a deal. Look, look. He fell asleep. Let's go. Let's go. Sausage McMuffin. Pardon me, sir. How you doing? What can I get for you? - What do you want? - Cheerios. They don't got Cheerios. Lasagna. What's the matter? We'll take hot cakes and sausage. Sorry. We stopped serving breakfast. We're four seconds late. You're 30 minutes and four seconds late. Breakfast stops at 10:30. Horseshit! Don't cry. Sorry. I was cursing at the lady, not you. Nice parenting. Thanks. Are you my therapist? Take a walk. Do you want a Happy Meal? You got a Happy Meal? Will somebody get the kid a Happy Meal?! Relax. Where's my Egg McMuffin? Breakfast is over at 10:30. - Really? I thought it was 11. - I thought that too. Total mind blower. Will you just relax? Here. What do you want me to do? You're gonna meet Vanessa tonight. You'll like her. You wanna see me get hurt? That'll cheer you up? All right. You think that's funny? Good. No more crying. Are you okay? Next time, kill me. Let's do it, Rangers. - Rangers against the Tampa Bay Lightning And at this stage it's as close as you can get to a must-win game for the Rangers Or they'll fall behind... How you doing? How you doing? You like hockey? You like hockey? This is a big, important game. This is a big, important game. Cut the crap. Cut the crap. I'm serious. Don't do that. I'm serious. Don't do that. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? That's what I thought. Shut up. Don't you take naps? Sometimes. Go take a nap. I'm too hungry to sleep. You want some food? Having a kid is great... ...as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or speaking. He's taken down! Penalty shot! How you doing? You sleepwalking? Why don't you go back sleepy? Sleepy. Keep napping. What's this? Kangaroo song. That's terrific. And we'll watch this after the game, okay? But after my nap, I always watch the kangaroo song. It's overtime, and there's a penalty shot about to take place. It happens every 10 years... Kangaroo song. Kangaroo song! All right! God! You were normal yesterday. I can't take this. Are you serious? Come and play What do you say? Douche-bag kangaroo. Are you all hopped out? I don't know what to do. Hopefully Vanessa will. I think she's back. If she's not back, we'll wait for her. Get your coat. Clean up. Oh, God. You don't have to pee, do you? - Do you swear? - I swear. How come you're not going? I don't have to go. Only you and my grandfather go every 30 seconds. Let's hurry it up, all right? I'm keeping you company. He'll write your name on the wall. Mind your business. Let's go. Let's go. Why do I need to meet this lady? - Now it is your problem. - Thank you. She's that lady I was telling you about. She's gonna be a big part of your life. I'm scared. What if she's not nice? Look. See these right here? These are magic sunglasses, okay? If you're afraid, put them on to become invisible. Really? Nobody can see me? Put them on. Sonny, I'm right here. Oh, the glasses. I couldn't see you. Keep those on. No one can notice you until you decide they can. - Okay. - Let's go. I'm still right here. Okay, all right, the glasses. Welcome back. Who's that? Who's who? He's invisible. Can I come in? Sure. Any invisible people out here... ...feel free to come in, okay? Sonny, I don't really know what's going on right now. - We should talk... - You said I got some thinking to do? So I did it. Just because I don't have a job doesn't mean I don't wanna move on. Instead of saying that, I figured I'd show you. - Before you say anything... - Look at that. He took his sunglasses off. He wants you to see him. He likes you. Julian, come here. Come here, pal. Vanessa... ...I want you to meet Julian, my son. Our son. I adopted him. I don't know what to say. Don't say anything. Is someone in the bathroom? Why is the door shut? I don't know. You don't? I don't know. I can't believe this. Open up. Open the door! - Is everything okay? - Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I was freaking out there. - I'm Sonny. - Sid. I had an attack of paranoia. I thought you were sleeping with my girl. I am. What's that? I am. That's what I was trying to tell you before. I found someone. - This old guy? - Sid. He's already achieved so much... ...and yet he's still goal-oriented and still focused. And he has a five-year plan. What is it? "Don't die"? I can't believe this. We got a family now. This is what you wanted. You surprising me with a kid that you adopted... ...wasn't what I wanted. - I did this for you. You wanted me to be more responsible. I can't raise this kid alone. You remind me of my grandson. You don't think things through. Hey, Old Man River, zip it or I'll break your hip. - I'd like to see you try it. - Shut up. How'd you misconstrue the situation so badly? I don't know. Deep down you must've known this day was coming. You made the biggest mistake of your life. I know you'll be missing me when you got... ...that big, white, wrinkly... ...body on top of you... ...with his loose skin... ...and old balls. Gross. Excuse me. How you doing? I'm Kevin Gerrity. I got an emergency problem. Is Arthur Brooks around? I'll go get him for you. Stay where I can see you. I gotta talk to this guy. Mr. Gerrity? - Arthur Brooks. - How are you? I need to speak with you. I didn't tell you to come here, did I? I was gonna mail you the paperwork. It's like the opposite of that. Look, I can't manage this kid. I ain't a good father. I made a big mistake. Mistake? I had a mother lined up for him... ...but she's banging the Pepperidge Farm guy. The kid won't stop peeing and throwing up. He's like a cocker spaniel. I just... He'd be better off with his natural mother. Well, she passed away last night, Mr. Gerrity. She had cancer. She must have sensed that her time was running short. She wanted her son to be with the natural father. Loop. Pull. If you don't wanna take care of him... ...we'll take him. But he'll have to chill in a group home. Group home? Like an orphanage? We don't call them that. Look, I did it. Loop, swoop and pull. You did do it. Congratulations, kid. I showed him that. Why don't you go back over there, okay? - I'll call the Heatherton Home... - Let's do this. I'll hang onto the kid until you find him a new family. I don't know. I gotta watch out for the kid's best interest. You said yourself you were a bogus dad. He's better off with me than in an orphanage. I don't wanna put him in a home any more than you do. Why don't we pretend you didn't even come in here? I'll give you a shout when I line up a family. - That's good. - Later. Just don't make me regret this. Where are we going now? I gotta make a phone call. Just stay right here, all right? - This is a collect call from: - Your baby boy - To accept charges, say, "Yes" - Yeah, I'll accept. Dad, how's it going? How's Florida? Not too bad. Your mother got a sunburn playing tennis. - I got some interesting news. - Oh, yeah? What? Kind of adopted a kid. What do you mean? I'm talking about you being a grandfather. Who the hell would give you a kid? Social Services. You idiot. You better give that kid back. His mother's... Hang on. Go play with them pigeons, buddy. I tried to give him back. I just can't. All right? I need your help. I'm in a bad way Vanessa dumped me I don't know what I'm doing You're damn right. The kid is always around. He never leaves me alone. You'd think he'd want some privacy. I'm in deep shit. Give that kid back before you ruin both your lives. I appreciate that. He's better off living in a dumpster. I'll be a better father than you! Impossible! All you care about is yourself! Yeah? No, I care about you saving money on this call! Let's eat. The Vanessa thing did not work out. She lost her damn mind. That wasn't your fault, though, okay? I know when you first got here, you thought you were gonna meet your dad. But I don't think that's gonna happen. Why? I don't know. But, buddy, real dads aren't always that great. I got one and he's out of his mind. He tells me what to do. He never lets me figure stuff out on my own. A lot of dads are like that. That's why people grow up nuts. Look at this guy. He was probably a nice boy like you. Then his dad messed his mind up. Who won the Jets game? Who cares? Let it go. He can't control you anymore. What do you mean? You know. You're a loser. You're mad at your dad, not at me! I forgive you! I am. I am. I hate my father. I don't want it to be like that. I don't wanna control you. You even like your name? I guess. You guess? Shouldn't you like your name? It'll be your name the rest of your life. What do you want? Frankenstein. I can deal with that. I'll call you Frankenstein. Frankenstein, you gonna play in the puddle? Go ahead. From now on, you do whatever you wanna do. I'll show you some cool shit along the way. That's what it's all about. Stay in front of it. Don't be scared. It's coming right at you. Okay. All right. You're picking your head up. Don't do that. Is this okay? That's what you wanna wear? That's okay with me then. Good luck walking down the street. Way to block it. Stay with it. You're the next Willie Randolph. Chief Jay Strongbow used to do a sleeper hold. Put your arm under here. Lift this arm, okay? Slide under and try to lock wrists. Let me show you. Watch. Throw him into the ropes and he comes back... Get him. Get him. Lock him up. Lock wrists. You bring him down slow. Apply pressure. He's going to sleep now. See, he's out. Wake up. You'll be the only kid your age with a slingshot. Go have some fun. Shoot a few beer cans or something. You like that? Sonny, Sonny, come here! What is it? What's the matter? Let me have that. Go to your room. I think. Or do whatever you want. It's gonna be fun. You nervous? No? You're excited, aren't you? Let's go. Up, up, up. Here comes some candy. How you doing? Happy Halloween! We got a first-timer. Do the right thing, buddy. We want some candy! Hang on right here for a second. Don't move. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, CDs. You like that? He's not happy. What else you got? Okay, that's good. Trick-or-treat. Say, "Happy Halloween." Thank you. Next year, be prepared, moron. What's with the cummerbund? I let him wear whatever he wants. Those boots are the best. I think they're Kevin's. I'll have a hot dog with the mustard and a knish. Frankenstein, what do you want? Thirty packets of ketchup. All right. Thirty packets of ketchup. Nice cut, pal. Frankenstein. Do that thing I taught you the other day. It took him 20 minutes to learn that. He's quick. He's smart. - And he loves ketchup. - He does. This is a whole new school of child-raising. You give him options, not orders. Let him make the decision. You're a pioneer. - So you two just chill out all day? - Basically. Hung out on the monkey bars. The kid did eight chin-ups. I can't even do one with these scrawny arms. They're not scrawny. They're nice. What do you wanna do tomorrow? I wanna go to school. I don't force him, he makes the right decision. Way to go. We'll enroll you on Monday. Enjoy the weekend. Do the thing again. That one touched the ground. That was awesome! Good job. Help me! Help me! Please help me. I don't know where I live. This isn't a big problem. We'll find your parents. - What's your name? - Frankenstein. There you are. There you are. Are you okay, buddy? I turn my head and he disappeared. Don't you ever do that to me again. Don't do that. Thank you for being sweet to my little boy. You're welcome, Sonny. I think my sister, Corinne, is engaged to your roommate. Your sister's Corinne? That sucks. Yeah, I'm up from D.C. I was at that party... ...where we wasted the good surprise on you. Sorry about that. So, what, you have a son now? I'm not his dad. I'm more of a father-figure type... ...until Social Services can get another family. At which point, you'll find a new way... ...to initiate conversations with girls in the park. Yeah, that's correct. Good job, buddy! He's peeing on his own. Keep it flowing! That's it! Go! Go! So does Corinne's sister have a name? It's Layla. Layla? I like your song. Could you do me a favor? Could you hang out with me? He'll think he's a failure if he couldn't get me a date. I really can't. I have a ton of work to do. I see. Hang on a second. Come here. Layla, if you don't come over to Sonny's apartment tonight... ...there's a good chance I'll develop a stutter. P-P-P-Please don't do this to me. - That is so cheap. - What? So I'm working in a tollbooth now. I originally wanted to be a male model... ...but I'm not very good-looking, so that didn't work out. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm all right. I'm recovering. This is my favorite part of the song right here. If I can't have you Better keep it down low. The kid's gonna wake up. Too late. Okay. Just hang out a little bit. I'll be right back. Don't go sneaking out. - What are you doing? - You forgot to say good night. What do you mean? I can't go to sleep until you say good night. I didn't know that. I'm sorry. Good night. Go to sleep now, all right? What'd we learn about girls? Initiating the conversation is half the battle. Bingo. Now sleep, okay? I gave him NyQuil. He should be out for the night. This is Styx. They've been my favorite band since I was 12. You're kidding me. No, I can't help it. I just love them. My friends make fun of me. My friends make fun of me too. I've seen them 25 times. Tommy Shaw, when I was 16, I was at the concert... ...and he reached down, pulled me on stage. I did the robot voice for "Mr. Roboto." Really? No, I made that up. I'm sorry. That would've been cool, right? My cousin's friends with their drummer... ...so when they come to town, we go to dinner... ...and they tell us stories from the road. Really? No, I made that up again too. I'm sorry. You're not attracted to, like, Yeah, I don't like them either. I can't sleep. He can't sleep. So the rabbit ran across the street... ...because he thought he saw some carrots. But when he got across the street... ...it turned out they weren't carrots, they were peanuts. Peanuts? The peanuts belonged to a squirrel... ...who had taken them home from a baseball game. And then the rabbit thought to himself... ..."Carrots, peanuts, what's the difference?" So he asked the squirrel if he could have some. And the squirrel said, "Of course." And the rabbit was very happy to make such a nice new friend. And so was the squirrel. And the rabbit thought the squirrel had pretty hair. And nice eyes also. And the squirrel thought the rabbit was really nice too. And then, the rabbit worked up his courage... ...and asked the squirrel if he could have... ...just the littlest squirrel kiss. And the squirrel thought it just wasn't the right time... ...in her busy squirrel life to be kissing any rabbits... ...even though this particular rabbit was very sweet. And the rabbit got shut down, did he? That's all right. But he was still thinking maybe... ...Scuba Steve could get a squirrel kiss... ...so somebody's getting some action. Good night, Scuba Steve. Good night, Frankenstein. Good night, Sonny. Good night, Layla. Don't get caught with any girls. It's your first day. Take it slow. I'll meet you after school at 2:30, right out front. You're not staying? No, I gotta go get you some more ketchup. I don't like these kids. I don't either, but shouldn't we give them a chance? How's this? Here are the magic sunglasses. You put them on if you feel scared, okay? I lost you. I don't know where you are. I'm sorry. Oh, there you go. You go inside and make some friends. Oh, yeah, that's a good hug. All right. Go inside. I'm gonna miss you. Hi, I like your hat. What's your name? - Might as well... - Leave a message! - Might as well... - Leave a message! Mr. Gerrity, this is Arthur Brooks from Social Services I got good news We may have found a family for Julian Give me a call back as soon as possible so we can set up a meeting Bye Sierra Club Legal Department. Can I speak to Layla Maloney? Layla, line four. You're a lawyer? What are you doing? Waiting for Julian so I can have somebody to play with. - What are you doing? - I'm swamped. I gotta do my laundry on my lunch hour. I was gonna do my laundry today too. Where are you going? There's a place nearby, Suds, on Bleecker. I know that place. Maybe I'll see you there then. Maybe. I gotta go. I bought tickets, and the show was the night before Maybe it was a mistake That's nice, but you don't know what's going down on the streets. It's hard to know what's going down... ...when you're in an office seven days a week, Mr. Tollbooth. You're not gonna tell me to get a real job. No. You're a big boy. It's cool you only work one day a week. These are the cutest things I've ever seen. I know. I have them in yellow. I wear them when I work out. It's great what you're doing with Julian while you got him. Yeah, well, I got him. I read an article that said... ...the most important influences in a kid's life are his friends. They said that? Just hope he's not hanging out with drug dealers and delinquents in school. I'm kidding. I know. I know. Man, this Yoo-hoo is good. You know what else is good? Smoking dope. I ain't going to rat you out. Puffing the cheeba. Go by the seesaw, smoke a J. You know what I'm talking about? I have a bellybutton. You have a bellybutton? We all have bellybuttons. And we all love Yoo-hoo. Especially with a little rum. What's rum? You don't know? Rumpelstiltskin? RumpelstiItskin's a good man. So are you guys. Stay clean. Stay focused. Frankenstein, have fun with your friends. Why are you scratching so much? I have ecza... Eczema? Gross. How do I make it stop itching? I don't know. You scratch it. SpaghettiO's. Do you like SpaghettiO's? Dented cans are half price. Microsoft went down three points. We gotta save some money. Here, give it a shot. That's it, boy. Put it in there. Feels good. Hi, Sonny. Hi, Sonny's friend. His name's Frankenstein. Hi, Frankenstein. Remember me? Help me. I'm lost. I don't know where I am. You don't gotta do that. You guys wear the same size T-shirt. That's cool. I heard you did laundry with my sister. She said we did laundry? Where I'm from, it's called doing the hibbity-dibbity. I got eczema. Well, then you shouldn't scratch it. Don't tell him what to do. He can scratch. - Scratch. - Is that better? - Thank you. - You're welcome. You know about kids? I thought you were a foot doctor. It's not doctor stuff. It's common sense. Scratching spreads rashes. This is something you learned at Hooters. - What the hell is he doing? - He's shopping. Microsoft went down three points. That's good. See you later, Frankenstein. Stay away from the frozen-food section. Your boobs'll harden. Isn't Little Italy the greatest? I like it. Everyone always tells me to hang out in the Village and SoHo. That's all right. But you gotta respect a place where the fatter you are, the cooler you are. Last time, he was with a different girl. I guess he ate her. I went to Coney Island today with the little boy. You gotta take a look at this. We had a blast together. He's so happy. He is such a good boy. If I have a kid of my own, I hope he's half as cool as that kid. Is he picking your nose? Yeah, he was picking his own all day... ...so I figured he could borrow mine. - Sweet. He must be miserable without you right now. No, he's in good hands. Look at Brad's body. Not an ounce of fat on it. - What? - Don't worry. I like yours better. I got two queens, two jacks and an ace. - I win. - Why do you win? I got a two, a four, a ten, an eight and a six. I don't understand. Why do you win? - Because I win. - What's the name of that game? I win. I'll get it! - What's up? - I'm looking for Kevin Gerrity. He's in China. Who are you? Arthur Brooks, New York City Social Services. I'm confused. Chinatown. He loves those egg rolls. I've tried contacting him several times and he hasn't responded. I'm concerned. Ixnay on the ketchupnay. - Have him call me. - All right. My body's definitely better than his. Without question. It took you a long time to pencil me in. You work all the time. I know. I'm excited. You're excited. How long you been this crazy? I guess ever since I was a little girl. See, my mom got married really young and pretty much just raised us kids. So when my dad took off... ...she wasn't left with a lot of options. And I think that's when I decided... ...that I never wanted to end up in that situation. That's actually a good reason to be working. I guess I feel like I gotta kick ass while there's ass to be kicked. You kick that ass during the day, but at night you have fun with Sonny. The Best of Times Are when I'm alone with you Some rain, some shine Two guys you were best friends with in law school fell in love with each other? Is that strange for you? No. Nothing changed, really. They watch a different kind of porno now. But that's it. My God! This is Corinne's place? If the girls at Hooters could see her now. - Do you want your ass kicked? - I'm just kidding around, Layla. You're afraid to get involved and you got a lot of work, but... ...when I'm not with you, I'm thinking of you. Do you have that going on? Maybe. Maybe we should try a kiss out. We owe it to ourselves to see if we should move to the next level. I'm not sure. Me either. It's just that you kissed Scuba Steve. Ever since then, he's strutted around bragging... ..."I got a kiss the first night. After three times, you got nothing." - He said that? - Come on. Let's just give it a shot just so I can have some dignity. All right? Oh, my God! Gross! Did I witness the first kiss? Yeah, you did. Thanks a lot for showing up. Layla, you didn't actually enjoy that, did you? I don't know. I'm going upstairs. Wash your mouth out. He's dirty. And he's poor. What do you got in the bag, Corinne? Some chicken wings? Booby tassels? Shut up. You have a good sleep. Pleasant Hooters. Come on, come on! This is where we hang our jackets. This is my hook. That's a capertillar. A caterpillar. - That's right, a capertillar. - Capertillar, all right. - Staying clean, pal? - Yes. You drink the booze, you lose. Remember that, punk. I'm Julian's teacher, Ms. Foote. - You his father? - I'm Kevin Gerrity. Do you have some time to go over some things that have been bothering me? Sure. Go take a walk, pal. Julian has been displaying some odd behavior. He spilled glue on the floor and didn't tell anyone. He covered it with newspaper. And then one of our students wore Rollerblades for show-and-tell. And Julian tripped him with a stick. I've never... Julian found it hilarious. I like him to express himself freely. I've really never seen any problems with that. Your boy's making the least progress of any of the children. Frankly, his personal hygiene is becoming a cause for concern. He's the smelly kid in class? I let him become the smelly kid? What's wrong with me? I've had some smelly ones before. But your son is by far the smelliest. All right, I got you. What do you think I should do? Start by paying more attention to his schoolwork. The class is giving a presentation of the Founding Fathers. Julian has drawn the part of Benjamin Franklin, a very important role. Do what you can to help. I will turn this all around. That's a promise. Thank you very much. Stinky, let's go. You got us in trouble. Did he call him "Stinky"? Wow, I didn't know this about George Washington. Yes, his teeth were made of wool. Wood. I sorry. I mix up "D" and "L." Well, get it right. Turn that game off, pal. I got four guys left. Let's study a little bit. I don't wanna study. Give me that. - You just killed me. - So what? You'll play later. You can't tell me what to do. Really? Let's take a vote. Who thinks the kid should study? Who doesn't? Well, you just lost, two to one. It's a tie. That guy doesn't count. He can't even read. I know. He was just joking around. Can you hang out here a little bit? I gotta go do something. No problem. Would you like We'll hop, hop, hop, hop What do you say Get the door. Hi, Julian. How you doing? I'm Scuba Sam. Scuba Steve's father. You see, my boy... ...needs to take a bath. The only problem is... ...he's afraid to bathe alone. So I was wondering... ...if maybe you could keep him company in the tub. Terrific. And after the bath, you have to try and study hard. Because if you wanna be a member of the Scuba Squad, you have to be smart. I could be in the Scuba Squad? Well, sure. All you have to do is work hard. And don't tell a soul about the Scuba Squad... ...because then everybody will wanna join. And one more thing... ...be nice to the delivery guy, would you? It's not his fault he can't read. Take care. He told me to watch his boat for him. Said that he wanted to... ...talk to you about some secret mission. I have no idea what you're talking about. How come I have to wear a bathing suit? I don't know the rules... ...with little kids and grownups and being naked and just sit down. The good news is you're not smelling like a foot anymore. I read something interesting. You know Benjamin Franklin invented... ...bifocals? That's pretty cool. What are they? I'll show you in that book. It might help you out with your school play. We'll make this a regular thing. Bathing and studying and eating right. Put your head back. My grandmother did this to me. "Oh, boy. When I was a little girl, frankfurters only cost a nickel." Can you still have fun? Yeah, but after you study. In fact, we gotta get you dressing differently. We'll go to Barney's. Not that Barney. A more expensive Barney. All right, one at a time. That's one. Two. See? Urinals are good too. "Electricity." Very good. "Constitution." That's it. "Philadelphia." Smart. Good. "Fish"? "Pony"? "Hip..." "Hiphop..." "Hipopynonamous"? Damn you! You gave him the easy ones! - Thanks! - You're welcome. Slow down. You owe me a Sausage McMuffin. There's a pole there. My name is Alexander Hamilton. I was the first secretary of the treasury. I owned a bank and a newspaper. Aaron Bird shot me. Hi, my name is Benjamin Franklin. I was a writer, a diplomat... ...an inventor and a statesman... ...although I only went to school for two years. I wrote many books and invented many things we still use today. The Declaration of Independence is finished. Who will be the first to sign? - How about you, John Hancock? - I want to sign! - Look at my man stand strong. - He's so cute. What are your cards? I got a six, a five, a jack, a four and a eight. I win. What do you mean? I had a hand just like that. I didn't win. Because I win. This is bullshit! All right. Take it easy, man. Every time it's different cards. So what? Relax. He's a kid. There should be same set of rules, no matter what age. He's gotta learn how to lose too. - Hello, Mr. Koufax. - Mr. Brooks, how you doing? I was gonna give you a buzz. You just called me Mr. Koufax, didn't you? It is your name, isn't it? Sonny Koufax? You held yourself out to be Kevin Gerrity... ...to gain custody of young Julian. Big problem in this state. I've delivered to you before. You always order three pieces of cheesecake. The real Kevin Gerrity asked me to take care of... Save it, Mr. Koufax. He has to come with me or I'll arrest you. Take out your handcuffs. I don't have any, but two policemen downstairs do. Listen, Sonny, I would like to help... ...but my status in your country is not what you would call legal. It's okay. I'm Audi. Julian, you're gonna have to come with me. One second, pal. Would you just give me a second to say goodbye to the kid? Take a second. You don't want me here anymore? No, that's not it, pal. You just gotta go away for a little while. How long am I going away for? I don't wanna lie to you. I don't think we're gonna... ...be seeing each other anymore. I screwed up, pal. I'm so sorry. Come here. Put your coat on. It's not your fault, okay? I'm the idiot. - I don't wanna go. - I know you don't. But you have to, and you're gonna be okay. Please don't make me go. I'm sorry, but I don't know what else to do. I won't play the kangaroo song anymore. Come on. Just go. You gotta go. You gotta go. I don't wanna go. I promise... ...I'm sorry. I don't even like that song anymore. I know, pal. That's not it. But I wipe my own ass! I wipe my own ass! I know. - Layla, they took the kid. - Who? Social Services. I gotta get him back. You said this was just temporary. I can't have it be temporary. It's gotta be permanent. Okay, what can we do? I filed to get custody based on the child's best interests. Tommy knew a clerk, so they fast-tracked the hearing. It's Tuesday. - This Tuesday? - You got work? I gotta go to Washington for a hearing to dismiss my case. Can you get somebody else? I'm sorry, Sonny. I can't. It's my case. We don't even know where this kid's gonna end up. Sonny, this is exactly why I didn't wanna get involved. I had things going the way I wanted. Then at the park, you and this kid come barging into my life... ...and it's screwing up everything I had planned. You think I planned on a kid showing up on my doorstep? But I fell in love with him. So now my plans have changed. All rise. We're here to determine proper custody of Julian McGrath... ...also known as Julian Gerrity, a minor child. Representing New York City? Ted Castellucci. Arthur Brooks, Social Services. And representing Sonny Koufax? Phillip D'Amato. Thomas Grayton. Plus, I'll pretty much be representing myself. Anyone else? Layla Maloney, Your Honor. Does this mean that you love me? Something like that. First witness. Koufax is a good egg. He was nice to that kid. But he fights like a girl. You like that? I'm right here, miss. What are you gonna do about it? Are you drunk, Mr. Herlihy? I had a few chardonnays. What of it? Get off the stand. You got it. I've got a few problems. Off to a good start. Mr. Koufax is a really cool guy. I wish my dad was as cool as him. My dad was a military man. Guess I wasn't such a "good soldier." When I was 35, he attempted to give me a crew cut while I was sleeping. I broke his arm, haven't seen him since. I'd rather live on the streets than under his rules. Anyway, I think Mr. Koufax should be acquitted of all the charges. If O.J. can get away with murder, why can't Sonny have his kid? This guy knows what I'm talking about. No more questions. How long have you delivered food to Mr. Koufax? I deliver food for six years. Plus, I'm stripper. But I've put on weight so it's problem. I see. And in your experience, was Sonny a good father to Julian? Oh, yes. They make terrific pair. They went together like lamb and tuna fish. Lamb and tuna fish? Spaghetti and meatball? You more comfortable with that analogy? Yes, considering we're in America. If you don't like spaghetti and meatballs, get out. I'll come give you a crew cut. Let's see your clippers. Not my problem your dad was sick. Stop yelling at me! Order! Order! Order! Am I in the right room? Who the hell are you? I'm Mr. Koufax's co-counsel. He has enough co-counsels. Well... ...one more won't hurt. Let's get on with it. Mr. Koufax is simply parading his buddies up there. Can't they find someone who isn't a friend? What were Julian and Mr. Koufax doing? Shopping. Did he appear to be an attentive, loving father? He certainly did. And how long have you disliked Mr. Koufax? Since the day I met him. For the record, where did you work during medical school? Hooters. No further questions. Asshole. Next witness. We'd like to call Julian McGrath. If it's okay with you, I'd like to ask you a few questions. This is just you and me talking... ...so don't pay attention to these people. Can you tell me how old you are? Your Honor, one second. That's better, huh? Can you tell me how old you are? Five. What's your birthday? July 15th. Where were you born? Toronto. Toronto? I thought you were from Buffalo. I moved to Buffalo with my mommy. For the past six weeks, you've been living with Sonny? Did you and Sonny have fun? What kind of things would you do? He taught me how to do the sleeper hold like Chief Jay Strongbow. That's nice. Anything else? He taught me how to pee on a building. Really? And he taught me that Styx was one of the greatest American rock bands. They only caught a bad rap... ...because most critics are cynical assholes. I think we'd all agree with that. Before you came here, do you remember the last thing your mommy said to you? That she loved me and I was gonna live with my new daddy. If your mother could pick anyone to be your new daddy... ...who would she pick? Sonny. Thank you, Julian. You can step down now. That went good, don't you think? I don't know. Judge doesn't look too happy. Mr. Koufax, anyone else? I'd like to call upon myself, Your Honor. Awesome. Which of your esteemed co-counsels will examine you? My father, Lenny Koufax. What? Forget it, Sonny. What is going on? Nobody in this world thinks I shouldn't have a child more than that man. He also happens to be a well-respected lawyer in Florida. If I can make a believer out of him, I can make a believer out of everybody. This court is after the truth, not the opinion of the defendant's father. You want my opinion? My son is a moron. I withdraw my objection. Please proceed. This is a big mistake. I only came today to make sure you didn't end up in jail. That was nice of you. Thank you. To do what I think is right here. Cut your fingernails. They're too long. Okay, Dad. This case is simple. It is absurd to think that Sonny Koufax is ready to raise a child. - Objection! - Shut up, Tommy. Sorry, Mr. Koufax. First of all, how did... ...this sweet little boy, Julian, end up under your supervision? I told Social Services that my name was Kevin Gerrity. - Of course, you are not Kevin Gerrity. - No. - So you lied. - Yes. Like the time I found a bag of pot in your drawer... ...and you said you thought they were pencil shavings. Remember when I told you Aunt Fay was coming to New York... ...and I wanted you to show her the city? And you said that you had better things to do. That's right. I'm curious. Just what were those better things that you had to do? Jethro Tull had a reunion concert in New Jersey, so I caught that. What happened to Aunt Fay that weekend? She died. Yes, she did. Did you happen to make it to her funeral? Why not? I went to Jones Beach, got drunk and fell asleep. Hell, yes! Some role model. Your Honor... ...my son doesn't have health insurance. He doesn't know how to boil an egg. He filed for social security at the age of 30. He is a drain on the economy, on the country... ...and most of all, on me! Your Honor... ...to give this young man... ...custody over another life is not only wrong... ...it's insane. I love you. What? Don't be scared. It's all right. I'm not scared. If I get custody of Julian, I'll be his father forever. That scares you because you think there's a good chance I'll fail. Sonny, it's more than a chance. It's a certainty. You're wrong, Dad. You can be scared that I might get pickpocketed in a bad neighborhood... ...or break my legs skiing. But don't be scared about me being a dad, because I will not fail. I love this kid too much. I love him as much as you love me, Dad. I'm gonna give him advice and I'm gonna guide him... ...and I'll be there whenever he needs me. I'll fly to New York to be at his court case... ...even if I disagree with why he's there. But, Sonny, you work in a tollbooth. Don't worry about money. I am in love with a beautiful girl who makes plenty of it. She'll be my sugar mama. I gotta get me one of those. I know this is the right thing because I would die for this kid... ...just so he won't feel one ounce of sadness. That's why you're here right now, to protect me, to be scared for me... ...to be a good father. And that's exactly what I'm gonna be. Hello, Dad? Yeah, I just wanted to say I love you. Hi, Mom? Could you put Dad on the phone for a second? Can I borrow that when you're done? Your Honor... ...my son deserves this kid. I love you too, sir. Mr. Koufax... ...the fact is you kidnapped this child. Not only shouldn't you get custody... ...but since you obtained him by defrauding the state... ...you should be in jail. Bailiff, remand him until I can figure out the punishment. Wait. You can't take him away. As that boy's father, I refuse to press charges. Oh, God. Corinne, I'm sorry. Six years ago, Joe Carter... Joe Carter? Toronto and the Phillies. World Series. Mitch Williams... We flew up for the night. There was a girl. Oh, God. I'm an idiot. I was so hammered. Chicken wings, Molson 3-0. Canadian beer is like moonshine. Hell, yes. You remember? It was at that Toronto Hooters. That was before he met you. That Hooters thing is a coincidence. I'm sorry, Corinne. I know this changes everything, but I had to do the right thing. Mr. Castellucci. Pending a blood test, I... Whatever. The court grants custody to Kevin Gerrity, pending the DNA test results. I want you to be my dad, Sonny. I know. I do too, pal. But I'm not sure that can happen exactly the way we want it. Because it seems you already have a daddy. But I'll tell you what I can do. I can be your friend, no matter what. All right? I'll always be your friend. I'll always be your family. I'll always be around. I promise. The kid's good at tying his shoes. He's not great at it, so work with him. - I'll teach him bunny ears. - What's bunny ears? Make bunny ears, cross and pull them through. I go with this loop, swoop and pull thing. He likes that. - I don't know that. - Go with the loop, swoop and pull. I swear to God it's working. All right. Go with the bunny ears thing. You're his dad, right? I'm sorry. It's important, when you eat at my restaurant... ...you never order BLT. You must trust me. Stay away from BLT, okay? Hey, guys. I'm gonna leave you with your dad now, Julian. He's a good man. I've known him my whole life. So you two have fun and I'll see you in the morning. All right? - Quit scaring the kid for a minute. - Who am I scaring? Bye, pal. I went to China. Do you know where that is? It's in Asia, which is... ...by Europe. I brought some cool stuff back. Did you move the bench? That's pretty funny. You know what I got? Some noisemakers. Check this out. Wanna try one? That's my foot! You're nice man. I've got Spice Channel. It's blurry but it's nice. Let's make this quick. I gotta get to work. Holy shit. Sonny Koufax would rather work than eat. I'm working on a big case. I gotta sue you for making me come here. Surprise! Did you just waste the good surprise on me again? Hi, Corinne. - Happy birthday. - Thanks, everybody. Hey, you guys. How are you? Happy birthday, Daddy. How you doing, cutie? Sonny, I beat you so bad in basketball yesterday. From now on, I have to stop letting you win. I stopped that months ago. He still wins. That's because you suck. Corinne, put a tank top on for old time's sake. - What is he talking about, Mommy? - Nothing. - Happy birthday, Sonny. - Thank you. It's a clock radio. - Thanks for telling me. - I have to split. I got deliveries. Hang out with us. We'll have fun. No, I can't stay. I'll hang for a little bit. There you go. Come on, let's eat, everybody. Hey, you! Still missing that tooth, huh? Can we get some fries? Vanessa. You're a Hooters girl? What happened to Sid's five-year plan? How you doing? - Maybe it's a 10-year plan. - Is that the guy with the old balls? I think it is. Come on. I bet they're nice. You're not supposed to say "balls." Testicles, okay.