The Bart of War

Chorus (sings): The Simpsons

The Bart of War [BELL RINGING]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

[BEEPING]

[LISA PLAYS SOLO]

D'oh! Ah!

Man (on tv): Next on Comedy Central, South Park.

I hear those kids' voices are done by grown-ups.

Hey, nothing wrong with that.

I just wonder how they keep it so fresh after 43 episodes.

I can't believe we paid to see Steve Guttenberg... Calista Flockhart and Farty the crippled robot.

...Calista Flockhart and Farty the crippled robot.

Look who's in my fart. O.J.

[FARTS]

I'm gonna kill you all.

[ROBOT YELLS]

[BOTH YELL]

[IN UNISON] Cartoon violence. Cartoon violence.

Now, I'm gonna find the real killer.

[BOTH SCREAM]

Kids, that cartoon's not life-affirming.

We're going to watch a show about the everyday problems of angels.

Man (on tv): Now back to Good Heavens.

Jesus called today.

He did?[/i]

[BOTH SCREAM]

I'm bored.

Hey, I've got an idea. Let's tie a string around a fly.

Cool. Do you think bugs feel pain?

If they don't, I've wasted a lot of my life.

[BUZZING]

I wish I could fly.

Then I'd be the most popular kid in school.

Knowing you, you'd mess it up somehow.

The fly is stuck in Flanders' house.

I'll go contact the nearest adult.

There's no time. We're going in.

[GRUNTS]

My eyeglass repair kit.

Let it go.

Well, what do you know? Cats eat flies.

Sometimes I wish a cat would eat me.

Dude, we're in Flanders' house, unsupervised.

Wow, let's go nuts.

Bright, brighter, brightest, off. Bright, brighter, brightest, off.

[LAUGHS]

That is so gay.

[BREAKS]

These losers are out of peanut butter.

I know how to make some.

Peanuts, butter.

Now, we just put the top on.

Hey, I didn't get where I am putting tops on things.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Now, let's make jelly.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I feel like luge silver medalist Barbara Niedernhuber.

[BOTH SCREAM]

Wow, Mr. Flanders is really into the Beatles.

What are the Beatles?

They wrote all the songs on Maggie's baby records.

"John Lemon, Orange Harrison, Paul Mclced Tea, Mango Starr"?

Hey, Bart, how about a blast from the past?

A 40-year-old novelty beverage? Hand it over.

[BOTH GROANING]

[GROANS]

Yellow matter custard dripping from a dead dog's eye.

I don't feel so fab.

[VOMITS]

The folks at the senior center will love that peach tree we planted.

I wish we could see their happy faces.

Sin of pride, Roddy.

I'm sorry.

Sin of regret.

Ah! The house is slightly askew. To the panic room!

[ROD AND TODD WHIMPER]

Daddy, I'm scared.

Scared of what? The funny camp songs we're gonna sing?

[SINGING] We'll be safe inside our fortress.

When they come.

We'll be safe from creeps and killers When they come.

Unless they have a blow torch Or a poison gas injector.

Then I don't know what'll happen When they come

[WHIMPERING]

Okay, home invaders, we don't want to hurt you.

We just want to talk.

Well, if you just wanna talk... talk about Eddie sleeping with my ex-wife.

The divorce was final.

When is a divorce ever final?

All right, let's move in.

[BOTH WHIMPERING]

[GUNS COCK]

All right, perps. We know you're in here somewhere.

Well, well, well, looks like a couple of punks... are gonna be taking the last train to Clarksville.

That's the Monkees, chief.

Go wait in the car.

Fine. It was the Monkees.

Please don't call our parents.

I'm afraid I have to for hijinks like these.

Ha, hijinks. Funny word. Three dotted letters in a row.

Is it hyphenated?

It used to be. Back in the bad old days.

Of course, every generation hyphenates the way it wants to.

Then there's *NSYNC. Ha!

What the hell is that?

Jump in anytime, Eddie. These are good topics.

Oh, Ned, I am so sorry.

I never knew you were such a Beatles fan.

Of course I am. They were bigger than Jesus.

But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection.

Hey, boys will be boys.

I am so tired of that tautology.

It's not all his fault.

I blame this latchkey kid.

People, people, calm down.

Both these kids are total write-offs.

Uh, I assume you're pressing charges?

Because I get paid by the charge.

Courts aren't fit to keep children in line.

They're good for telling women what to do with their bodies.

What these boys need is adult supervision.

You are so right, Ned. There won't be a single minute... where Bart's not under the watchful eye of myself or...

Homer, get over here.

Hee, hee, look at me. I'm Brian Epstein.

Now I'm Michael Jackson.

[MIMICS MICHAEL JACKSON] "I own all your songs, losers."

[LAUGHS]

Here are some supervised activities we can all do together.

"Future Veterans of Foreign Wars."

"The 5-H Club."

Five-H?

They had to admit homosexuals.

Hmm.

How come I'm not doing this stuff with Milhouse?

You won't be seeing Milhouse for a while.

Something about that boy just shakes up your soda.

Oh, this looks interesting.

"The Pre-Teen Braves."

Hey, these freaks do a lot of cool stuff. Cookouts, hayrides, bowling.

Just like real Indians.

Dad, maybe you could lead Bart's tribe.

You mean, like some sort of madman?

Ideally, no, but...

I'll do it.

[SINGING] I am Homer tribal chief.

I am wearing tiny briefs.

Braves teach values boys should know Now extended drum solo

Hey! I will now give each of you your specially selected tribal name.

Pick one.

I am "Burger With Fries." Man, is that uninspired.

Let's see. What Native American activity should we do?

"Making wallets, faking crop circles, respecting nature"?

Jeez, no wonder these guys lost the Civil War.

Hey, Lazy Horse, find us something cool to do.

Hmm...

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

The noble Chiefs outsmarted the treacherous Cowboys... with a seven-yard screen pass.

Unfortunately, after further review, the Great Father in the sky determined... that the receiver's moccasins were out of bounds.

I shall bet no more forever.

I don't think Dad is accurately portraying Native American life.

Yeah. Indians don't sit around drinking beer and watching TV.

I smell smoke.

Without the talking stick, we don't hear you.

I smell smoke.

Aah!

I see you braves... received our smoke signal.

Wow.

Neato.

Awesome.

Oh, no. The Pawnee have returned.

They probably want their souls back.

Wow, Mom. I wish you were our tribe leader.

Hail to our new chief, the surprisingly hot Mrs. Simpson.

Oh, well, thank you. I'm gonna make sure you boys have... the best possible Pre-Teen Brave experience.

But I was chosen by the Great Spirit to teach these young braves... the ways of the antelope and the ear of corn... which we call maize, that the papoose...

Oh, I'll be at Moe's talking normal.

[KIDS GRUNTING]

Nelson, leggings?

No way. If my old man sees me in these, he'll kill me.

You haven't seen your dad in years.

Hey, today might be the day.

Man: Nelson?

Papa, is that you?

You came back from the store.

[GRUNTS]

Who is he talking to?

Let's admire Nelson's love of nature.

Papa. Papa. Never leave me again.

All right, everyone inside. Let's go.

[MARGE HUMMING]

Our nature walk will be hosted by a full-blooded Native American.

Say hello to Jim Proudfoot from the Mohican tribe.

Mohican? I thought you guys were all gone.

Ha, ha. No, but we encourage the myth.

Chicks really dig you when you're the last of something.

Uh, are we on Indian land?

It once was. My tribe's land stretched... from that Krusty Burger down to Gary's Waterbed Warehouse.

All: Wow!

The Great Spirit blessed us with beauty and abundance.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

The land gave birth to the trees, the animals frolicked in the waters... and the wind was so gentle it would tie your shoes for you.

But that harmony has been shattered, and now the land weeps.

Hey, treadmill, how do you like this incline?

[GRUNTS]

Uh, I'm giving it back to the earth.

Marge: Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

What are we gonna do to that field?

All: Clean it.

And why are we gonna do it?

All: Liberal guilt.

Yay!

I'm so proud of what you guys are doing... I even tipped off the local paper.

She sure did. And I've already got the perfect headline.

"Activity Participated in By Some." Hey, that's great.

Let's go, boys.

Make sure you use Pine-Sol on those pine trees... for that pine fresh smell.

Papa?

Oh, for God's sakes, I can see why he left.

Now, all of you, get cleaning.

[ALL YELL]

All: Huh?

Hey. Some jerks cleaned our field.

It's awful. It looks like Wisconsin.

[TRUMPETING]

I hereby declare this area cleaned up by the Cavalry Kids.

[GRUNTS]

[TRUMPETING]

Whoops. Ooh. Uh...

It was already dead.

[GRUNTS THEN SIGHS]

Boy, I got up on the wrong side of the futon today.

Cavalry Kids? That's pathetic.

We're the bad boys... of non-denominational community youth groups.

Surely there's room in this town... for two well-meaning juvenile associations.

Yeah. But the Girl Scouts already control the south side.

Then I guess this means war.

Will you be my mommy?

[GROWLS]

You smell like dead bunnies.

Cavalry Kids are bigger credit hogs than the Red Cross.

I must disagree, Mrs. Bart.

They've painted this town with a fresh coat of give-a-hoot.

Well, you ain't seen nothing until you've seen the Pre-Teen Braves.

Pre-Teen Braves?

Another of those youth groups that apes the cultures... of indigenous peoples you invaded and destroyed?

Exactly. The Pre-Teen Braves.

Exactly. The Pre-Teen Braves.

[JONI MITCHELL'S "ONE TIN SOLDIER" PLAYING]

Go ahead and hate your neighbor Go ahead and cheat a friend.

Do it in the name of Heaven You can justify it in the end.

There won't be any trumpets blowing Come the judgment day.

On the bloody morning after

Hey.

One tin soldier rides away

[ALL SCREAM]

Hello, I'm heavyweight champ, Drederick Tatum... here to issue a challenge to the youth groups of Springfield.

Whichever one sells the most candy... will be honorary batboys at the nextlsotopes home game.

[ALL GASP]

Proceeds will go towards keeping people like me off the streets.

I can't help myself. Punch and grope. Punch and grope. It's all I was taught.

This is a perfect opportunity.

We'll beat those Cavalry Kids by selling candy.

I'm a brick.

"We will crush you and smother your dreams.

Yours in Christ, the Cavalry Kids."

Marge, you were an excellent peacetime chief... but these times call for men of cruelty.

Oh, it's too tight. Take it off. Take it off. Take it off.

Men of cruelty.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, Bart. Back up the truck.

[TRUCK BEEPING]

Mr. Leonard, Mr. Carlson?

Would you like to buy some candy bars for charity?

Oh, sure. We were just gonna buy... the same candy inside the store but for less.

Oh, man, that went south quick. I gotta find a bathroom.

Your candy is tainted.

The batboy prize is forever beyond your reach.

Candy for sale. Get your unpoisoned candy.

It's laxative-free for today's lifestyle.

Melts in your mouth, not in your pants.

Greetings, Springfielders.

It gives me pleasure to announce the group... which has sold the most candy.

Could everyone please lean forward expectantly?

"The Cavalry Kids."

All: Yes! All right!

Oh, the indignity.

[ALL SIGH]

Wait a minute. How could those stupid jarheads win?

Who'd want candy filled with laxatives?

All: Mm...

Holy moly. I'm moving like Ginger Rogers.

Looks like this is one time the Indians didn't win.

[LAUGHING]

Well, that's it. They've beaten us.

At least we made a lot of people sick.

Well, I'm not finished.

Where does it say we have to be gracious in defeat?

It's on the back of our vests.

Marge, remove that stitching.

Son, your success has inspired me.

I'm gonna take that bartending course, including today's lighter drinks.

VIP. That's us.

[CHUCKLES]

People will do anything a sign tells them.

Ah. Boy, that slaked my thirst.

Or did it?

Milhouse: Dad, we're gonna be late for the game.

Do you have 5 bucks for regular parking? Because I don't.

Welcome, fans of America's favorite pastime...

"Baseball"? Eh.

Here to perform the national anthem are today's honorary batboys... the Cavalry Kids led by Milhouse Van Houten.

[CROWD CHEERING & APPLAUDING]

After this prank, everyone's gonna hate those Cavalry clods as much as we do.

[SINGING] Oh, say can you see.

Back in row double-Z

That the team sucks out loud.

And you fans are all plowed

[GASPING]

This is an outrage. The Cavalry Kids must hate America.

Hey, show some respect. My dad died in some war.

You call this a large beer?

[TRUMPETING]

It's a hoax. I'm the real Milhouse.

[ALL GASP]

Time to knock off this knock-off.

[GRUNTING]

Pound him, Milhouse.

You talk pretty tough for a man without health insurance.

I'm on federal assistance. Unh!

You lay off my girlfriend's ex-husband.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Jeez, I don't remember this much bad blood when I was a Cavalry Kid.

I was a Pre-Teen Brave.

Unh!

Ow!

I sang at your wedding.

Yeah, "The Best ls Yet to Come." Real original.

[MONKEY GIBBERS AND KRUSTY SCREAMS]

Oh, jeez, how did this happen?

All I wanted was to glue feathers on felt... and teach the boys good citizenship.

[SOBS]

And now it's a donnybrook.

[CRYING]

Oh, my God. That's my wife. And she's crying.

Willie: Unh! Huh?

Oh, lassie, dry your tears.

Then show us your boobs.

Ow! Ow!

God, help me.

Dear God, why are we fighting?

I ain't doing any fighting.

Let us end this mindless violence, and join our hands in song.

Aye. Not a hymn to war like our national anthem... but a sweet soothing hymn like the national anthem of Canada.

[SINGING] O Canada.

Our home and native land All: True patriot love.

In all thy sons command.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise.

The True North, strong and free.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee

Well, Bart, we've learned that war is not the answer.

Except to all of America's problems.

Amen.

Woman: Shh.