Robotnik's Rival

This is the transcript for the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog episode, "Robotnik's Rival".

[''The episode opens in a field. Tails accidentally bumps into the episode's title due to it not disappearing. Sonic grabs him and a vehicle chases the both of them. Sonic jumps into a hole with Tails and the vehicle backs up and points its ray at the two. The vehicle is an armored tank and the knocking comes from a hatch which opens to reveal Robotnik who is driving the tank.'']
 * Robotnik: A-ha! My hedgehog seeking radar system worked perfectly!

[Sonic emerges from hole and leans on the tank's ray.]
 * Sonic: Face it, Robotnik! Nothing you invented works perfectly!
 * Robotnik: Oh, yeah? Name one thing that doesn't!
 * Sonic: I'll name two things! Scratch! Grounder!

[''Two more hatches open to reveal Scratch and Grounder. One hatch hits Robotnik's head and another hits Scratch's head.'']
 * Scratch: Did someone call?
 * Grounder: I think I heard my name.

[Robotnik closes the hatches on Scratch and Grounder and a lump on his head pops up.]
 * Robotnik: Okay. You made your point, your last point! Once my magna-beam hits you, you'll be magnitized and pulled to the Mobius North Pole forever!
 * Sonic: Sounds chilly! I'll just go home and pack some long underwear!

[Sonic pushes the radar back, then grabs Tails and runs off] Robotnik: Fire the magna beam! [''The radar aims at Sonic and Tails and zaps them. The blue beam pulls them towards Robotnik's tank, when another beam, which takes on the form of a left fist, grabs the blue beam. Robotnik points his right index finger at the green beam.'']
 * Robotnik: What? What is that hum?

[Scratch pops his head out of his hatch, and Robotnik puts his left hand on it.]
 * Scratch: I don't know, but whatever it is, it's big!

[''A giant yellow tank approaches Robotnik's tank. The green beam tosses the blue beam aside, then grabs Sonic and Tails and pulls them in.'']
 * Tails: Hey, what gives?

[Sonic points his right index finger at the tank.]
 * Sonic: Looks like we're headin' south!

[Robotnik looks down at Grounder.]
 * Robotnik: Turn up the magna beam!

[''The blue beam, which takes on the form of a left fist, returns, and grabs the green beam. The two tanks sprout faces as their beams both try to pull Sonic and Tails towards each other. They toss them into a tree, which Sonic grabs with his right hand and slides down. When he reaches the bottom, stars spin around his head as Tails flies down to him.'']
 * Tails: What's goin' on?

[Sonic stands up and lets go of the tree.]
 * Sonic: Beat me, and before someone beats us, let's race, ace!

[''Sonic runs away, with Tails flying behind him. The two tanks continue arm-wrestling each other with their beams, until they break into pieces. Robotnik pops out of the hatch of his tank and points his right index finger at the hatch of the yellow tank.'']
 * Robotnik: You idiot! I would have had that hedgehog if it wasn't for you, whoever you are!

[''The hatch of the yellow tank opens, knocking Robotnik down and causing stars to spin around his head. Dr. Brandon Quark pops out of his hatch and points his left index finger at Robotnik.'']
 * Dr. Quark: If it wasn't for you, you ridiculous fool, I would have gotten rid of that hedgehog!

[Robotnik gets back up and turns to face Quark.]
 * Robotnik: Ridiculous! What business is it of yours anyway?
 * Quark: Well, I plan to take over the entire planet of Mobius,

[Quark pops back into his tank, then back out, wearing a crown as Scratch and Grounder pop out of their hatches.]
 * Quark: And declare myself absolute ruler, of course!
 * Robotnik: Of course! Now, about this, uh,

[Robotnik mumbles unintelligibly, then points his right index finger at Quark.]
 * Robotnik: What did you say?!

[''Quark holds out a piece of paper with his right hand. He unrolls it, revealing it to be a poster with his face on it, over a plaque that says, QUARK REX, LORD OF CREATION, as the citizens of Mobius bow to him.'']
 * Quark: And when I've taken over this miserable planet, I'll turn it into a shrine to me, Brandon Quark, P.H.D., D.D.S., C.E.G.!
 * Scratch: What's "C.E.G." stand for?
 * Quark: Crazy Evil Genius, natch.

[Robotnik takes the poster with his right hand and rips it up with both his hands.]
 * Robotnik: Well, it just so happens that I am taking over Mobius, and making it a shrine to me, Quack!

[Quark jumps out of his tank, causing his crown to fall off, and lands on Robotnik as he grabs him by his collar with both his hands.]
 * Quark: That's Quark, egg boy! And I've never seen anything as preposterous as you?

[Robotnik points his right index finger at Quark's butt.]
 * Robotnik: Check a mirror, duck butt!

[Quark puts his left index finger on Robotnik's nose as he waves his right hand.]
 * Quark: Okay, so I had a little lab accident with a duck! But that's all just water...

[Robotnik stands up, causing Quark to fall over.]
 * Robotnik: Off a duck's back!

[Robotnik walks up to Quark, who is now holding onto the edge of Robotnik's tank with both his hands.]
 * Robotnik: Forget it, Quack! With my scientific genius, you haven't got a chance!

[''Scratch jumps next to Robotnik, and Grounder rolls up to him. They both pose muscularly.'']
 * Quark: You call those wind-up toys scientific genius?

[Quark snaps his left thumb and index finger.]
 * Quark: Get a load of this, egg boy!

[''Robotnik, Scratch, and Grounder run away as the spout of Quark's tank spits out Design Unit Flexible Underling Substitute, or D.U.F.U.S. for short. As Quark walks up to him, D.U.F.U.S. turns himself right-side-up.'']
 * D.U.F.U.S.: You summoned me, Dr. Quark?

[Dr. Quark points his left thumb at D.U.F.U.S..]
 * Dr. Quark: This is a D.U.F.U.S.; Design Unit Flexible Underling Substitute, the most powerful weapon on the planet! And now for a little demo, Robotnik!

[As D.U.F.U.S. talks to Robotnik, Scratch, and Grounder, he transforms into a bomb that puts out his fuse with his left hand, an automatic right boxing glove, a slingshot, a hammer, a swimsuit model, and a popgun.]
 * D.U.F.U.S.: I am a prototype D.U.F.U.S., capable of 2,486 offensive modes.

[''D.U.F.U.S. fires at Robotnik, who screams, causing the cork to get lodged in his mouth. He spits it out and walks up to Dr. Quark, pointing his right index finger at him.'']
 * Robotnik: This planet isn't big enough for you and me!

[Quark grabs Robotnik's belt with his left hand and pulls out a pair of scissors with his left, which he uses to cut the belt with.]
 * Quark: Your belt isn't big enough for you!

[''Robotnik's pants fall down, revealing white boxer shorts with pink hearts underneath. Robotnik pulls his pants back up with both his hands.'']
 * Robotnik: Look who's quacking!

[Quark jumps up and down angrily.]
 * Quark: I'm not a duck! I'm not a duck! I'm not a duck!

[Robotnik walks up to Quark, who points his left index finger at him.]
 * Quark: I propose a contest; whichever of us captures Sonic the Hedgehog shall have sole diminion over Mobius!

[Robotnik shakes Quark's left hand with his left hand.]
 * Robotnik: You got it! There's nothing like a fair fight!

[The screen irises out on Robotnik and Quark, then irises in just enough so they can speak to the viewers.]
 * Robotnik and Quark (to the viewers): And this'll be nothing like a fair fight!

[''The screen irises out as Robotnik and Quark laugh evilly. The screen transitions to the next scene, where Sonic runs up to a picnic table near a sign that says, FREE PICNIC, HEDGEHOGS WELCOME.'']
 * Sonic: Whoa! Free eats!

[Tails flies down and lands atop the table.]
 * Tails: Great! I'm starvin'!

[Sonic holds out his left hand like a stop sign.]
 * Sonic: Wait, little pal! I smell a rat!

[As Tails talks to Sonic, he tosses various sandwich fixings into the air with his right hand and catches them in his left, creating a tall sandwich.]
 * Tails: Nah, that's the sourkraut!

[Various ants buzz as they climb onto the table, causing Tails to drop his sandwich.]
 * Tails: Yikes!

[Tails turns around, revealing himself to be covered in ants, which he tries to shake off his Tails.]
 * Tails: Hey, I've got ants in my pants!

[''A view of Sonic's left leg is shown as various ants climb up it, and the screen irises out on it. Sonic tries swatting the ants off with both his hands.'']
 * Sonic: There must be a billion of em'!

[''Sonic and Tails run away, knocking the picnic table over. The many ants run up to the food that fell off the table. A view of the Ant General and three soldiers is shown as the screen irises out on them. They jump off the picnic table, and Sonic points his right index finger at them.'']
 * Sonic: Tails, look! The food has lured em'!

[Sonic and Tails stand up.]
 * Tails: Let's get out of here!

[''Sonic and Tails run away, shaking the ants off their bodies. Scratch and Grounder peer out from behind a rock, and a confused Scratch scratches his head with his right index finger.'']
 * Scratch: D'oh, I can't figure it! Dr. Robotnik's Ants Trance Enhancer couldn't keep from goin' after that food!

[Grounder scratches his head with his left drill.]
 * Grounder: Hey, where'd that picnic table come from, anyway?

[The picnic table transforms into D.U.F.U.S..]
 * D.U.F.U.S.: It is I, D.U.F.U.S.!

[Scratch and Grounder walk up to D.U.F.U.S.]
 * Scratch: We-he-hell, I'll be a monkey's uncle!

[D.U.F.U.S. points his right index finger at Scratch.]
 * D.U.F.U.S.: That is beyond your capability. I, on the other hand...

[''D.U.F.U.S. transforms into a monkey. Scratch and Grounder state in shock at this, and the former jumps into the latter's arms. Robotnik walks in, as does Quark.'']
 * Robotnik: Have you trapped Sonic yet, you two idi... Uh, highly-developed automated apparatuses?
 * Quark: "Apparatuses"? Uh, that isn't even a word!

[Quark walks up to Robotnik, who presses his nose against his nose.]
 * Robotnik: It is now, Quack!
 * Quark: That's Quark!

[''Scratch turns to face D.U.F.U.S. and blows a raspberry at him. Quark then jumps onto Robotnik's body and grabs Robotnik by his collar with his left hand.'']
 * Quark: If it wasn't for your lame ant hypnotizer, I would have captured that hedgehog!

[Robotnik grabs Quark with his right hand and tosses him aside.]
 * Robotnik: "Lame"? My Ants Trance Enhancer is foolproof!

[''Quark turns to face Scratch, Grounder, and D.U.F.U.S., and pushes them aside with both his hands. Robotnik then walks in, pushing in the Ants Trance Enhancer with both his hands.'']
 * Robotnik: I'll show you!

[''The screen irises out on the Ants Trance Enhancer as Robotnik pulls the lever with his right hand. This starts the machine up, and many ants to crawl onto him and Quark. They scream as they try to swat the ants off with both their hands.'']
 * Quark: Ow! Ouch!

[The screen transitions to the next scene, where Sonic and Tails are at the top of a cliff, looking over the smiling sun as it is about to set.]
 * Sonic: Well, it's the end of another day!

[''A wind blows, and the sun flies away as the screen becomes dark. All that can be seen now are Sonic and Tails' eyes.'']
 * Tails: A little sudden, don't you think?

[Robotnik walks in, and all that can be seen of him are his eyes.]
 * Robotnik: Thanks to my Darkenator! Quickly, Scratch, Grounder, grab them!

[Scratch and Grounder walk in, and all that can be seen of them are their eyes.]
 * Sonic: That voice sounds familiar!

[Sonic, Tails, Robotnik, Scratch, and Grounder fight each other, resulting in a dizzy Scratch and Grounder.]
 * Tails: That crash sounds familiar!
 * Scratch: D'oh, get off me, you lugnut!
 * Robotnik: Who are you calling a lugnut?
 * Scratch: D'oh, oh, not you, your rottenness! Him! I would, I would never call you...
 * Sonic: That stupidity sounds familiar!

[Sonic and Tails run away as the screen becomes bright again, revealing Robotnik to be sitting atop Scratch and Grounder.]
 * Quark: Having fun?

[Robotnik stands up.]
 * Robotnik: Turn out that light!

[Quark walks in.]
 * Quark: That's not just a light, it's my solar polar molar!

[''Quark points his right index finger at his solar polar molar. Robotnik is now holding the hose to the Darkenator in his left hand.'']
 * Robotnik: In that case, shut your mouth!

[As Quark talks to Robotnik, Sonic and Tails watch from behind a rock.]
 * Quark: Not before my solar breath burns Sonic into hedgehog chips! Heh!

[Sonic pokes his head out from behind the rock.]
 * Sonic: Sounds like a great party!

[Sonic and Tails turn to face each other.]
 * Tails: I'll bring the dip!

[Quark points his right index finger at Sonic and Tails.]
 * Quark: You are the dip!

[Quark quacks as he fires a beam at Sonic and Tails, who run out of the way just in time as it melts the rock.]
 * Robotnik: Careful!

[Robotnik points his right index finger at the Darkenator's hose.]
 * Robotnik: If the solar ray touches my Darkenator, there's no telling...

[''Before Robotnik can finish, Quark turns to face him, Scratch, and Grounder. He zaps them, and the Darkenator explodes into a cloud of smoke. When it clears, the red sky is shown, and Robotnik, Scratch, Grounder, and Quark are all scorched.'']
 * Robotnik (wearily): What might happen!

[Dufus walks in and holds up his right index finger.]
 * D.U.F.U.S.: This failure was probable to a factor of 245,764 to one.
 * Quark: Oh, can it!

[''D.U.F.U.S. transforms his head into a calculator. He then turns to face Robotnik, Scratch, Grounder, and Quark, and points his right index finger at them.'']
 * D.U.F.U.S.: Of course, the mathematic probability can be altered!

[As D.U.F.U.S. talks, the screen irises out on his head, which he presses a button on with his right index finger, so that the number 4062-1 appears on the screen.]
 * D.U.F.U.S.: If you were to combine forces, the Success-Slash-Failure ratio is 4062 to one!

[D.U.F.U.S. transforms his head back to normal.]
 * Quark: "Combine forces"? Prepostorous idea!
 * Robotnik: Absurd idea! I like it!
 * Quark: Might work!

[Robotnik and Quark turn away from each other, and the screen transitions to the next scene, where a Lizard is at a chili dog stand.]
 * Lizard: Chili dogs! Get your chili dogs! Absolutely free! No charge-a-rino!

[Tails runs up to the lizard and holds out his right hand.]
 * Tails: I'll take 43 chili dogs with everything to go!
 * Lizard: Coming right up!

[''The lizard grabs the hot dogs with both his hands, and arranges them into a tower of chili dogs on a plate. Before he can hand them to Tails, Sonic grabs Tails by his right tail with his left hand and pulls him away.'']
 * Tails: Hey!

[Sonic is revealed to be standing next to a bench.]
 * Sonic: Slow down, bud!

[Sonic sets Tails down.]
 * Sonic: Doesn't this sound familiar? "Free chili dogs"?
 * Tails: Maybe I'm dreamin', so it don't matter!
 * Sonic: And, maybe it's one of those crazies trying to get his mitts on yours truly!

[''Sonic grabs Tails by his left tail with his left hand and tosses him onto the bench. He then jumps onto the bench.'']
 * Tails: Oh!
 * Sonic: Let's just sit here until we're sure what the score is!

[''As Robotnik talks, Sonic and Tails turn to face him. The camera zooms out on them.'']
 * Robotnik: Exactly as you predicted!

[Sonic turns to face Tails.]
 * Sonic: Uh-oh! Time to buzz, cuz!

[Sonic and Tails jump off the bench, which is revealed to be D.U.F.U.S., who transforms into a cage before they can run away.]
 * D.U.F.U.S.: I'm afraid the probablity against that is 89.976 to one!

[Robotnik and Quark walk up to each other, and the latter points his left index finger at the former.]
 * Quark: Your plan was pure genius!

[Robotnik points his left index finger at Quark.]
 * Robotnik: Your execution was superb!

[Sonic and Tails glare angrily at Robotnik and Quark, the former of whom turns to face them.]
 * Robotnik: Now that Doctors Quark and Robotnik have joined forces,

[As Quark points his right index finger at Sonic and Tails, Scratch walks in, holding the hose of the Darkenator in his right hand, and Grounder rolls alongside him]
 * Quark: As far as you and your precious Mobius are concerned,
 * Robotnik: It's lights out!

[''The Darkenator turns on, darkening the screen. The screen transitions to the next scene, where a view of some jail bars are shown.'']
 * Tails: So what's the plan?

[The camera moves down to Sonic and Tails, both of whom are chained to the wall, with weights chained to their ankles over a pit of spikes.]
 * Sonic: Plan? There's no plan!
 * Tails: You mean we're gonna spend the rest of our lives right here?
 * Sonic: Looks that way, little bud!
 * Tails: But I've got library books still out!
 * Sonic: In that case...

[The camera moves over to Sonic, who whispers in Tails' left ear.]
 * Tails: All right! That's what I call a plan! We'll be out of here in no time!

[''The camera moves to the right side of the screen, where the door to the cell is, which it zooms in on. Scratch and Grounder, the latter of whom is holding an ear horn in his right drill, run up to the door. Scratch cups his left hand to his left ear.'']
 * Scratch: Aha!
 * Grounder: Hmmm?

[''Grounder moves in closer, and groans as he pulls his right ear out of his ear horn. He blows into it, inflating Scratch out of it, and launching him into a wall. Scratch groans as he hits the wall and the ground below it. Grounder puts his ear horn up to his right ear, and groans as Scratch punches through it with his right fist and out the left ear.'']
 * Scratch: D'oh, let go of my hand!

[''Scratch grunts as he puts both his feet on Grounder's head and struggles to get his right hand out. He then groans as he hits the ground, and walks angrily up to Grounder with his ear horn on his head. The small end of the ear horn takes the place of his mouth.'']
 * Scratch: If they escape, you'll know who'll get blamed!

[''Scratch and Grounder nod their heads, "Yes" in approval. Scratch points his right index finger at Grounder, who points his right drill at him.'']
 * Scratch and Grounder: You!

[The screen transitions to the next scene, where Sonic and Tails are still chained to the wall as Scratch and Grounder walk in.]
 * Scratch: Okay, you better tell us what your plan is!
 * Grounder: Yeah, so we can sto...

[Before Grounder can finish, Scratch kicks him in the butt with his left foot.]
 * Grounder: Ow!
 * Scratch: Actually, we were just... eh, curious!
 * Sonic: Well, it's too late, boys, cause' we already escaped!
 * Scratch: Well, thanks anyway!

[Scratch walks away, then stops when he thinks that Sonic and Tails really did escape.]
 * Scratch: You what?!
 * Tails: We're just, uh, holo...
 * Sonic: Holographic projections! 3D movies! We skipped town an hour ago!

[Scratch points his right thumb at himself.]
 * Scratch: I don't believe it!
 * Grounder: Yeah, if you were just holo... holo... holo... pictures, could I do this to you?

[''Grounder picks up Sonic in his right drill and Tails in his left, and tosses them into the air. Sonic grabs the bars with both his hands, and Tails flies behind him.'']
 * Sonic: No, and thanks! Gotta run, hun!

[Sonic spins through the bars.]
 * Tails: So long, battery brains!

[Tails flies through the hole, and Scratch looks down at Grounder.]
 * Scratch: You did it again!
 * Grounder: Yeah, but... but you gotta admit it was a great plan, and now we know what it is!

[''The screen transitions to the next scene, where D.U.F.U.S., whose legs have transformed into a wheel, rolls across the prison hallway. A satellite dish emerges from his head. He screeches to a halt when he sees Scratch and Grounder playing tic-tac toe. Grounder is the O, and Scratch is the X, and Scratch draws an X in the middle space.'']
 * Scratch: Oh, I got you now!
 * D.U.F.U.S.: Where are the prisoners?

[Scratch and Grounder turn to face D.U.F.U.S.]
 * Scratch and Grounder: Huh?
 * Scratch: Oh, uh, uh, they... uh, uh, uh, uh, the... they're still in there!

[Scratch points his left index finger at the door to the jail cell.]
 * Grounder: No, they're not! They...

[Before Grounder can finish, Scratch puts both his hands in his mouth and uses them to tie his tongue.]
 * D.U.F.U.S.: That does not make sense.

[D.U.F.U.S. turns to face the door to the jail cell and puts both his hands on the bars as his satellite scans the inside of the cell.]
 * D.U.F.U.S.: My sensors cannot sense them.
 * Scratch: Yeah, well, uh, open the door and see!

[''Grounder giggles. D.U.F.U.S. opens the door with his left hand, and Scratch looks inside, pretending to act surprised that Sonic and Tails are missing.'']
 * Scratch: Oh, no! You let them out! Look! The cell is empty!

[Grounder continues giggling as D.U.F.U.S. closes his head with his right hand..]
 * D.U.F.U.S.: Wha? I am confused, I have comitted an error! That is impossible!

[Robotnik and Quark walk through the prison hallway together.]
 * Robotnik: The hedgehog's ours! What a team we make, Robotnik and Quack!

[Robotnik holds up his right index finger, and Quark points his right index finger at Robotnik.]
 * Quark: That's Quark and Robotnik!
 * Robotnik: Join me for a little gloating in Sonic's cell?

[Robotnik bows at Quark.]
 * Quark: I'm inviting you to join me!

[Quark walks past Robotnik.]
 * Quark: D.U.F.U.S., are you there?

[D.U.F.U.S. puts his right hand on his head when he hears that Quark is coming to check on Sonic and Tails.]
 * D.U.F.U.S.: What shall I do? It's Dr. Quark!
 * Grounder: Lie!
 * D.U.F.U.S.: It is against my programming! My circuits are hurting!

[D.U.F.U.S. puts both his hands on his head.]
 * Scratch: Ho ho! Once Dr. Robotnik and Quark see what you did, your circuits will be hurting more!

[''Scratch points his right index finger at D.U.F.U.S., and Grounder nods his head, "Yes". The screen transitions to the next scene, where Scratch and Grounder are leaning against the wall, pretending to whistle innocently. Robotnik opens the door with his left hand. He and Quark walk in, and see what appears to be Sonic and Tails still chained to the wall.'']
 * Quark: Well, well. Nice to see you stretching out!

[Robotnik and Quark laugh evilly.]
 * Robotnik: Just wanted to rub it in before we go out to tour our planet!
 * Quark: We're going to parade through Mobius and bask in our conquest! Hang out till' we get back!

[Quark laughs evilly and walks away, and Robotnik laughs evilly as he follows behind him.]
 * Scratch: Okay, the coast is clear!

[''Sonic and Tails are revealed to be a transformed D.U.F.U.S., who transforms back to his normal self. Scratch and Grounder walk up to him.'']
 * Scratch: Neat trick, D.U.F.U.S.!
 * D.U.F.U.S.: I am confused. I have deceived my creator. I have lied. I have betrayed.
 * Grounder: So?
 * D.U.F.U.S.: I can live with it.

[''In the next scene, a giant purple tank drives across the road as Robotnik and Quark emerge from the two hatches. They pass by an army of Robot soldiers, which Sonic stands alongside, with Tails on his head. Tails jumps and flies into the air as Sonic scratches his head with his right index finger.'']
 * Sonic: We've gotta make Quark and Robotnik hate each other again!
 * Tails: Yeah, the terrible twosome is double trouble! Got any ideas?
 * Sonic: Only a billion of em'! Let's race, ace!

[''Sonic runs away, and Tails flies behind him. The screen transitions to the next scene, where Sonic, who is disguised as a paper boy and holding newspapers in each hand, stands near a newspaper stand.'']
 * Sonic: Paper, get your paper! Quark calls Robotnik a big dope!

[''Robotnik parks the tank near Sonic and grabs the newspaper in his left hand with his right hand. He opens it with both his hands and looks at Quark.'']
 * Robotnik: So I'm a big dope, am I?

[Tails is disguised as a paper boy, and holding a newspaper in his left hand as he stands near the tank.]
 * Tails: Mobius Star! Get your Mobius Star! Robotnik says Quark married to Bigfoot!

[''Tails tosses the newspaper at Quark. It lands on Quark's head, and Quark grabs it with both his hands and looks at it. A view of the newspaper is now shown, and it says, MOBIUS STAR, ROBOTNIK SAYS QUARK MARRIED TO BIGFOOT. The picture near it shows Bigfoot in a bride's outfit, and Quark in his arms, holding a bouquet of flowers in his left hand.'']
 * Quark: What? So I'm married to Bigfoot, am I?

[Robotnik crumples his newspaper into a ball with both his hands and tosses it aside.]
 * Robotnik: Trash!

[Quark then crumples his newspaper into a ball with both his hands and tosses it aside.]
 * Quark: Garbage! I never read my reviews!

[''Robotnik and Quark walk away from each other, then turn to face each other. Robotnik is holding his Upside-Downer Scrambler Blaster in his right hand, and Quark is holding his Shrinkerator in his left hand, and they aim at each other.'']
 * Robotnik: Um, have you seen my new Upside-Downer Scrambler Blaster?
 * Quark: I was just about to show you my Shrinkerator!
 * Robotnik: Well, uh, perhaps later!

[Robotnik and Quark put their weapons down.]
 * Quark: Yes, later!

[''Robotnik and Quark hug each other. Sonic runs up to the Upside-Downer Scrambler Blaster, and Tails runs up to the Shrinkerator. Sonic presses the button on the Upside-Downer Scrambler Blaster with his left index finger, and Tails presses the button on the shrinkerator with his right index finger. The beams zap Robotnik and Quark, who scream as they are zapped. They explode, and when the explosion clears, Robotnik is shrunken, and Quark's hands are where his legs should be, and his head and feet are where his hands should be.'']
 * Robotnik (in a high-pitched voice): Yeow! I knew it! You traitor!

[Quark points his left index finger at himself.]
 * Quark: Me? I'm the one who's upside down!

[Quark grabs his Shrinkerator with his left hand and uses it to un-shrink Robotnik.]
 * Robotnik: Perhaps it was, uh, just an accident!

[Robotnik grabs his Upside-Downer Scrambler Blaster with his right hand, and uses it to unscramble Quark, who dusts off his right arm with his left hand.]
 * Quark: I don't like accidents!

[Robotnik presses his nose up against Quarks.]
 * Robotnik: How did the, uh, ducky-wucky feel about it?

[D.U.F.U.S. grabs Robotnik with his right hand and Quark with his left.]
 * D.U.F.U.S.: Remember that separately, you are both total losers. Now kiss and make up!

[''D.U.F.U.S. makes Robotnik and Quark kiss each other. He sets them down, and Robotnik poses innocently as Quark wipes his mouth with his right hand. He then points his right index finger at D.U.F.U.S..'']
 * Quark: Watch it, D.U.F.U.S.! You're being insubordinate!

[''D.U.F.U.S. salutes Quark with his right hand as he lowers through the hatch. Robotnik holds out his left hand.'']
 * Robotnik: Uh, trust me?
 * Quark: Implicitly?

[''Quark holds out his left hand, and he and Robotnik shake each other's hands. Various weapons and spare parts fly out of their gloves, and they shrug their shoulders in confusion. Inside the tank, Scratch and Grounder look over D.U.F.U.S., who puts both his hands on his head.'']
 * Scratch: What's wrong with you?
 * D.U.F.U.S.: I don't know.

[''D.U.F.U.S. presses his left ear with his left index finger, opening his head and ejecting his programming disc. He picks it up with his left hand and shakes it, then puts it back in his head.'']
 * D.U.F.U.S.: Since that confusion in a jail cell, my programming is d...d...damaged!

[The screen transitions to a view of a billboard of Robotnik and Quark shaking each other's right hands, and the billboard says, GENIUSES, DICTATORS, FRIENDS.]
 * Tails: Geniuses, Dictators, Friends?

[The camera zooms out on the billboard, revealing Sonic and Tails to be standing next to it.]
 * Sonic: We'd better do something about this!
 * Tails: I got an idea!

[''Tails flies away, then comes back, holding a paintbrush in his right hand and a bucket of black paint in his left. He paints on the billboard, then lands next to Sonic and holds out his right hand. Tails painted Robotnik's eyes out, as well as a beard on Robotnik's chin, a mustache and beard on Quark, and he painted out the R ofFRIENDS.'']
 * Sonic: I'm thinkin' maybe somethin' a little more drastic, little bud!

[''The screen transitions to the next scene, where a view of an acadamy theatre that says, AWARDS on the sign is shown that night. The camera zooms out on it as Robotnik's tank parks in front of it. The door opens, and the ramp that Robotnik and Quark are both standing on extends to the ground.'']
 * Robotnik: What's this?

[Sonic runs in, disguised as an Awards Host.]
 * Sonic: And now, two of the top candidates for the coveted Baddy award, Dr. Robotnik and Dr. Quark!
 * Quark: The Baddy award?
 * Sonic: Yes, the Baddy, presented by the Academy of Evil Arts and Scientists to the most evil bad guy on Mobius!

[In the next scene, which takes place inside the theatre, Sonic runs up to the podium, and the camera zooms in on him.]
 * Sonic: And now, to present the Baddy for the best performance by a megalomaniacal evil scientist in a temper tantrum, here is that very popular comedy team of Scratch and Grounder!

[''Scratch runs in, dressed like an award presenter, and holding a piece of paper in both his hands. Grounder rolls in after him, dressed in a bow tie. Scratch's knees tremble nervously, then Grounder opens his chest compartment with his left drill, revealing trembling knees inside it. He then closes his chest compartment and stares nervously. Sonic runs up to Scratch.'']
 * Sonic (whispering): Just read the cue cards!

[Sonic runs away.]
 * Scratch: Ahem! The first n-n-n-n...

[As Scratch struggles to say "nominee", a projection screen lowers.]
 * Scratch: Nominee is Dr. Robotnik in "The Bad, the Worse, and the Ugly"!

[''The camera zooms in on the projection screen. The numbers count down from eight to two, and a clip of a giant Robotnik is shown in a village as he smashes it with his right foot.'']
 * Robotnik: I'll squash you like bugs!

[The clip ends, and a podium that Grounder is sitting at rises.]
 * Grounder: Ahem! The next nominee is Brandon Quark for his performance in "Silence of the"... uh, "Yams"!

[The podium lowers.]
 * Grounder: Whoa!

[The numbers count down from eight to two, and a clip of Quark holding a gun in his right hand is shown as he points his right thumb at himself.]
 * Quark: I don't care if they are sweet potatoes! I don't like the way they look!

[''Quark fires his gun at sacks of sweet potatoes, which the camera moves over to. The camera then cuts to a view of Quark firing his gun and zooms in on him. The clip ends, and Scratch and Grounder are shown onstage, with the latter holding the winning envelope in his right drill.'']
 * Scratch: Ahem! And the winner is...

[''Grounder opens the winning envelope with both his drills. Robotnik and Quark peer from behind two theatre seats.'']
 * Robotnik: Yes, yes!

[Grounder is now holding the piece of paper with the winner's name on it in both his drills.]
 * Grounder: Brandon Quark!

[Quark jumps excitedly.]
 * Quark: I won! I won!

[Quark runs up to the stage, where Grounder is holding the Baddy award in both his drills, and hands it to Quark, who holds it up in his right hand.]
 * Quark: You hate me, you really hate me!

[Grounder rolls away.]
 * Quark: Little did I know that the gruesome little boy who began pulling the legs off his pet tarantula would someday arrive at this pinnacle of evil achievements!

[A tear rolls down from Quark's left eye, and he flicks it away with his left index finger.]
 * Quark: I deserve it, of course, and I want to thank...

[''Before Quark can finish, Robotnik takes the Baddy from him with his left hand. He is now holding it in his right hand.'']
 * Robotnik: You rigged this, Quack!

[Quark points his right index finger at Robotnik.]
 * Quark: That's Quark, and you're just jealous!

[Robotnik points his right index finger at Quark.]
 * Robotnik: Of you? Don't make me laugh!

[''Robotnik laughs evilly as Quark takes his Baddy award back with both his hands and runs away with it. Robotnik yells and runs after him. D.U.F.U.S., who is standing at the edge of the stage, transforms into a Baddy award. Robotnik and Quark screech to a halt near him. D.U.F.U.S. points his right index finger at them.'']
 * D.U.F.U.S.: You are both getting to be a real drag! Chill out, dudes!
 * Quark: Watch your tone! I made you, and I can break you!
 * D.U.F.U.S.: I doubt it, Mother Goose!

[''D.U.F.U.S. transforms into a skateboarder, who is standing on his skateboard with both his hands. Robotnik and Quark watch as he skates away, then they turn to face each other.'']
 * Quark: Something strange has happened to that robot!

[''Robotnik nods his head, "Yes" in approval. The doors open, and Robotnik and Quark walk out together.'']
 * Quark: No hard feelings?
 * Robotnik: None at all!

[''The doors close, and Sonic, who is still disguised as an Awards Host, opens them with both his hands. Tails walks out behind him.'']
 * Sonic: Looks like we're gonna have to pull out all the stops, little bud!

[''The screen transitions to the next scene, where Robotnik and Quark's tanks are both parked near a hill. Robotnik and Quark are both peering out of their hatches.'']
 * Robotnik: Let's separate and join up back at my... er, our headquarters!
 * Quark: Excellent idea! we'll be able to survey my...

[Quark shakes his head, "No".]
 * Quark: Uh, our domain, uh, much more quickly!

[Robotnik waves his right hand at Quark.]
 * Robotnik: Ta-ta!

[Robotnik closes his hatch with his left hand.]
 * Quark: Good-bye!

[''Robotnik and Quark drive away, and the screen transitions to a view of some hills as Robotnik drives his tank over them. He screeches his tank to a halt, and Grounder pokes his head out of his hatch. Scratch pokes his head out of his hatch, hitting Grounder's head, and Robotnik pokes his head out of his hatch, which hits Scratch's head.'']
 * Robotnik: Why, that egomaniac!

[Sonic and Tails, both of whom are dressed as soldiers, are standing outside a city with a sign that says,WELCOME TO QUARK LAND.]
 * Robotnik: "Welcome to Quark Land"?

[''Robotnik jumps out of his tank, and Tails marches up to Sonic. Robotnik, Scratch, and Grounder all walk up to them. Grounder bumps into Scratch.'']
 * Sonic: Welcome to Quark Land! You have obviously arrived to enlist for the glorious war against the inferior Robotnik! Hail Quark!

[Sonic salutes with his left hand, as does Tails.]
 * Tails: Hail Quark!

[Grounder salutes with his right drill.]
 * Grounder: Hail Qua...

[Before Grounder can finish, Scratch hits his head with his left hand.]
 * Grounder: Ow!

[Robotnik holds up his right index finger.]
 * Robotnik: That's it!

[Robotnik turns to face Scratch and Grounder.]
 * Robotnik: He's gone too far! It's duck hunting season, boys!

[''Images of roast duck appear in Robotnik's eyes. Scratch and Grounder groan as Robotnik walks over them. Quark looks out of the hatch of his tank as it travels across Mobius, when Sonic, who is disguised as a cop, rides a motorcycle and points his right index finger at it. Quark stops his tank, and in the next scene, Sonic is holding a pad of paper in his left hand and a pencil in his right as he writes in the pad. Quark runs up to him.'']
 * Quark: What is the meaning of this?!
 * Sonic: Sorry, no ducks allowed in Robotnik City!

[Quark quacks as he jumps angrily.]
 * Quark: I am not a duck!
 * Sonic: Robotnik City Ordinates Number 42-C Sub-Paragraph Q states that no duck-like, half-duck or web-footed partially duckified person or persons shall...

[''Before Sonic can finish, Quark takes the pad with his right hand and puts it in his mouth. He chews on it noisily, then swallows it.'']
 * Quark: Oh, I'll fry that humpty-dumpty dictator over easy! Uh, with toast!

[''Quark walks back into his tank and drives away from a sign that says, CITY LIMITS. Sonic removes his helmet with both his hands. Robotnik and Quark crash their tanks into each other, and Quark pops out of his hatch and shakes his left fist at Robotnik.'']
 * Quark: Coward!
 * Robotnik: You? Traitor!

[Robotnik shakes his right fist at Quark, who is now holding a gun in his left hand, and aims it at Robotnik.]
 * Quark: Maniac!

[The Gun transforms into D.U.F.U.S., who points his left index finger at the ground below.]
 * D.U.F.U.S.: Duck!

[Quark points his right index finger at himself.]
 * Quark: I am not a duck!
 * D.U.F.U.S.: No, I mean, duck!

[D.U.F.U.S. who points his left index finger at the ground below again.]
 * Quark: Huh?

[''Quark quacks as he jumps into the air, then screams and stares in shock. A missile flies towards his tank. Quark jumps back into his tank as the missile sprouts a right arm, draws an X on the tank, and flies into it, exploding. Inside Quark's tank, Quark presses various buttons on his control panel with both his index fingers.'']
 * Quark: Robotnik will pay for this!

[''Various hatches open, and missiles fire out of them. Lasers then emerge from Quark's tank and fire at Robotnik's tank, creating a cloud of grey smoke. Robotnik peers out of the cloud and points his right index finger at Quark's tank.'']
 * Robotnik: Blast them to atoms!

[''Robotnik and Quark's tanks fire missiles at each other, creating a giant cloud of grey smoke. Inside Quark's tank, D.U.F.U.S. is relaxing in a hammock as a scorched Quark is standing next to him. Quark quacks as he jumps and points his left index finger at Robotnik's tank.'']
 * Quark: D.U.F.U.S., attack them!
 * D.U.F.U.S.: Whoa! Fraid' not, man!

[Quark points his right index finger at D.U.F.U.S..]
 * Quark: I order you!
 * D.U.F.U.S.: Like, this scene is totally whack! I'm bailin'!

[D.U.F.U.S. points his right index finger at himself, then transforms into a surfer surfing on a wave.]
 * Quark: But... but... but...
 * D.U.F.U.S.: Sorry, dude! Surf's up!

[''D.U.F.U.S. rides the wave away. Quark points his right thumb at him.'']
 * Quark: I should have made him less perfect!

[''Grounder extends his right arm at Quark, then grabs him with his right hand and pulls him away. Grounder is standing near Robotnik and Scratch, the former of whom puts his right hand over his chest.'']
 * Robotnik: Whereas I, in my infinite wisdom, designed my robots to be complete idiots! What do you have to say now, Quack?
 * Quark: That's Quack! Quack!

[Quarks rubs his lips together, then flaps his arms like a duck.]
 * Quark: Quack! Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack! Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack! Quack!

[Quark flies into the air, past Sonic and Tails, then alongside some ducks.]
 * Sonic: I guess he's flyin' south for the winter!
 * Tails: Not a bad idea!

[Tails grunts as Robotnik bumps into him.]
 * Robotnik: That duck wad let you escape, did he?

[Sonic grabs Tails' right arm with his left hand, and gears up to run.]
 * Sonic: Let's speed, keed!

[Sonic runs away with Tails in tow, knocking Robotnik over, and causing him to roll down the hill.]
 * Robotnik: Yeow!

[Sonic runs past Scratch and Grounder, knocking them over.]
 * Grounder: Whoa!
 * Scratch: Whoa-ho-ho!

[''Scratch and Grounder look up and scream as Robotnik rolls into them. Stars spin around their heads as Robotnik continues rolling.'']
 * Robotnik: Turn the duplicator on them!

[''Scratch is now holding the duplicator in his right hand, and he fires at Robotnik, making a clone of him. Robotnik and his clone point their left index fingers at him.'']
 * Robotnik and His Clone: You idiots!

[Scratch points his right index finger at Grounder while hiding the duplicator behind his back with his left hand, and Grounder points his left drill at Scratch.]
 * Scratch and Grounder: He did it!

[Sonic, who is now holding Tails by his right hand with his left hand, looks back at Tails.]
 * Sonic: Uh-oh! You know what this means!
 * Tails: What?
 * Sonic: Robotnik finally got the punishment he deserves; himself!

[''Sonic runs away, and Robotnik and his clone are now standing atop Robotnik's tank. Robotnik pushes his clone with his left hand.'']
 * Robotnik: Me first! Me!

[''Robotnik's Clone pushes Robotnik with both his hands. Robotnik pounces at his clone, and they both fall.'']
 * Robotnik and his Clone: We hate that hedgehog!

[The screen irises out as Robotnik and his Clone hit the ground with a crash, ending the episode.]

Sonic Says
[Scratch is at a starting line, holding a white flag in his left hand.]
 * Scratch: On your marks, get set, go!

[''Scratch waves the flag, and Robotnik and Quark, the former of whom is wearing running shoes, run away. Robotnik is holding a banana in his right hand. He eats the banana and tosses the peel at Quark.'']
 * Robotnik: Quack!
 * Quark: The name's Quark!

[''Quark steps on the banana peel with his right foot and slips on it. He grunts as he hits the floor, then Robotnik trips over his shoelaces.'']
 * Robotnik: Yeow!

[Robotnik and Quark both slide into the finish line, where Sonic is holding a trophy in his right hand.]
 * Sonic: And no one wins! Hey, Quark, Robotnik, ever heard of the expression, "Cheaters never prosper"? (To the viewers) Nobody wins when you cheat! Playing fair is the only way to go, whether you win or lose, Sonic says!