Ping Pong at Sea

(The episode begins as Weasel runs to a tree stump while wearing a pair of peg-legs on his feet, a pair of hook hands for hands, and an eye-patch on his eye. The show name and episode title appear.

I Am Weasel: "Ping Pong at Sea"

Weasel: "Ping Pong at Sea".

Story by: 

Richard Pursel

Storyboard by: 

Charlie Bean

Art Director: 

Deane Taylor

(Weasel looks at the subtitles, curiously.)

Weasel: "Arggh, matey!"

Directed by: 

David Feiss

Robin Steele

Weasel: "P-tooey!"

(Fade out)

(The episode then opens on Monument Valley, Utah, USA, where I.R. Baboon has parked his trailer to live in as a coyote howls in the background. The camera cuts to I.R. simultaneously playing ping-pong with a doodle of a ping-pong player on his trailer, roasting a chicken over an open flame, and watching a ping-pong match on TV.

Sports Announcer: "Joe Morroco slams the ball, and Gibby Gar-Bobby returns to serve like the expert ping-pong champion that he is!"

(A close-up of I.R.'s TV set is shown broadcasting the ping-pong match between Joe Morroco and Gibby Gar-Bobby, as I.R. watches on with interest.)

Sports Announcer: (cont.) "You're watching Globe of Sports, pay-per-view ping-pong tournament coming to you direct from Wolverine Lake sponsored by Liquid Bread." (The Liquid Bread bottle and logo are shown on screen) "When you're half dead, and you need to be fed, Liquid Bread!"

(The ping-pong tournament is held on a USS aircraft carrier as thousands of sports fans look on with interest and excitement.)

Sports Announcer: (cont.) "The score is tied in this pay-per-view exclusive!" (A fat elderly female sailor, Madame DeBarge, holds up a scoreboard with hearts on it for both Morocco and Gar-Bobby as a tie, while both players play on. "The proceeds for this charity event will benefit the Rogue Womens' Naval Auxiliary." (The women of the Naval Auxiliary stand up and give a salute. "The money will help buy these old lady sailors new eye-patches and peg-legs." (Madame DeBarge itches her thigh and continues watching, her eyes shifting left and right.) "A very good cause indeed."

(The camera cuts back to I.R., who becomes suspensed at the tournament on TV.)

Sports Announcer: (cont.) "Joe Morroco is getting aggressive. He's hammering Gar-Bobby! Morroco attacks. Morroco scores!"

I.R. Baboon: (frowns) "Bad move you make!" (squeezes his eyeball and stretches it) "Open eye, idiot!" (He starts complaining.) "I better than they! All I.R. need is chance! Beat both player with single hands!"

Sports Announcer: (cont.) "Gibby Gar-Bobby serves!" (A scream is heard, followed by a crashing noise, as I.R. flinches.) "Oh, the humanity of it all! This is terrible!" (I.R. watches the accident unfold.) "Gibby Gar-Bobby is down!" (A ping-pong ball flies out the TV and hits I.R. in the forehead. Back at the match, a pair of paramedics carry Gibby away on a stretcher, as he has his neck in a brace, his left arm in another brace, and his right arm in a sling. Poor Gibby has tears stream down his cheeks.) "This is the worst ping-pong accident I've ever seen! In all my days of ping-pong sportscasting..." (chokes up)

Madame DeBarge: "Aaaarrgh! What am I to do?! Without another player, our fundraiser goes straight in the drink! We need a replacement! Help! REPLACEMENT!"

I.R. Baboon: "Replacement?" (gasps) "I.R. must be replacement!" (points to himself with this thumb) "Me, me, ME!" (does a bodyflip on his hands) "I.R. ping-pong star!"

(Unknown to I.R., I.M. Weasel is sitting in the audience.)

I.M. Weasel: "Excuse me, ma'am, but I'm a ping-pong professional."

Madame DeBarge: (delighted) "Well, get on over here, Mr. Weasel!" (Weasel walks over to her, as DeBarge grabs him by the arm.) "Thanks for that hip replacement surgery ya gave me! You're a peach!"

(I.R. drops his jaw.)

I.R. Baboon: (jealous) "Why she take Weasel for ping-pong? Pirate lady should take I.R. Baboon! I win game, not Weasel."

(I.R. leaps on his ping-pong table and squeezes himself through his TV set, literally transporting himself to the tournament as he squeezes out the TV camera and lands on his back with a splat. He gets up and brushes the dirt from off his sleeve. He whistles for a camerman and walks over to him, shaking his hand. The cameraman looks at the viewers nervously, as I.R. has bribed him with a 20 dollar bill! As Joe Morocco flexes his knees, the audience cheers on for Weasel, who puts his case on the ping-pong table and assembles his ping-pong paddle together. He then rubs on his ping-pong ball to clean it up for the match.)

I.M. Weasel: "Ah, this is the life."

(Before Joe Morocco flexes again, he hears I.R. whistling for him, as I.R. Baboon holds a sign saying "FREEE TRIP FOR FIGI!")

Joe Morocco: (jumping over, excited) "Me?! I won a free trip to Figi?! I've never won anything in my whole life! Oh, wow! This is exciting!" (He is pushed up into the cockpit of a fighter jet by I.R.) "You know, my mother won a goldfish in a bag at the state fair once!"

(I.R. dumps Morocco into the cockpit, snatching his fez from Morocco, who continues rambling about his life in a muffled tone. They then wave each other goodbye. I.R. ducks as Morocco rockets away in his jet, knocking down a pair of palm trees on a small island, and continues on his way to Figi. I.R. puts Morocco's fez on his head and dances. Later, the scene shifts to an overview shot of the ping-pong table as I.R. Baboon and I.M. Weasel march over to each other at the edge of the ping-pong table, where Weasel jumps on the edge to wish Baboon good luck.)

I.M. Weasel: (extending his hand) "Here's to a good game, my friend."

(I.R. snorts at him and turns away, leaving Weasel confused as he holds a finger. They then take their sides, and Madame DeBarge nods a go-ahead to her sailors. One female sailor drops her hook hand to give her comrade the go-ahead, as the second female sailor uses her hook hand to pull on the cord, which fires the cannon.)

Female Sailor: "Play ball!"

(I.R. Baboon serves the ball first, as Weasel hits the ball back. The game is on as Weasel and Baboon serve the ball to each other, until Weasel misses the serve. I.R. takes glee in this as he leaps on the table to rub his victory in Weasel's face. The crowd boos at Baboon, who takes no notice.)

I.R. Baboon: "Yeah! I.R. best at ping-pong!" (sings) "I.R. score! I.R. score!"

Weasel: (courteously) "Great serve, Morroco."

(I.R. opens his mouth to insult Weasel but frowns at his opponent's compliment. He growls at this and lets off steam. Weasel then makes his serve, hitting the ball that misses Baboon's shot.)

Madame DeBarge: "Point goes to Weasel!"

I.R. Baboon: (growls again)

(Weasel makes another serve, with the ball flying past Baboon, and Weasel makes a series of serves that I.R. is unable to catch up on.)

Madame DeBarge: "Weasel scores again, and again, and again, and again!"

I.R. Baboon: (sweating intensely) "You cheat..." (pulls out another ping-pong paddle) "I cheat! (squeals) "Two paddle!"

(I.R. grabs the pair of ping-pong paddles and hits the ball with them so well. Just then, another fighter jet comes into land, squashing Baboon flat, and the ball passes his squashed face.)

Madame DeBarge: "Point goes to Weasel!"

(The scene slides to I.R. rigging the ball with a weapon inside it. He makes his serve and Weasel serves it back. I.R. presses the plunger too late, as a missile that I.R. put inside the ball shoots through his eyes and also sinks a nearby battleship. As soon as I.R. has his eyes back and as Weasel and Baboon are working up a storm, a female fan in pink and holding a notepad approaches Weasel.)

Female Fan: (giggling) "Could I get your autograph, Mr. Weasel?"

I.M. Weasel: "Why, certainly."

(Weasel kisses his fan on the lips and makes the serve simultaneously, until his latest serve swoops past I.R., who yelps.)

I.R. Baboon: (making a 'Time out' symbol) "Time out!"

(He rushes to the women's bathroom and, when he checks to see if the coast is clear, runs inside, slamming the door shut.)

I.R. Baboon: (cont., thinking) "Must win! But, how beat Weasel?" (taps his eyeball)

Man: (knocking on the bathroom door outside) "Knock-knock!"

I.R. Baboon: (disturbed) "Occupado!"

(The camera cuts to a dictionary page being held upside down by I.R.)

I.R. Baboon: (cont., reading the page) "Ynam eht fo eno." (He realizes his mistake and turns the book back right-side up.) "Weasel! One of the many egg-sucker..." (gasps) "Eggsucker!" (devises a plan) "Dat it! I.R. make Weasel suck egg! Den, I.R. win!"

(He zips out of the bathroom and returns with a carton full of eggs, while Weasel basks in the sunlight wearing sunglasses and reading a magazine under an umbrella. Baboon picks out an egg as his ping-pong ball.)

Madame DeBarge: (impatiently) "Arrgh, stop bein' a jerk and serve the ball, Morocco!"

(I.R. makes his serve with the egg. Weasel peers ahead and blinks in surprise. The egg slowly bounces on the table coming toward Weasel, as Baboon waves him goodbye. The egg enlarges in Weasel's pupils, and I.R. rubs his hands waiting for the big moment, until Weasel turns his head to avoid the egg hitting him. The egg is head cracking as the crowd groans.)

I.R. Baboon: (angry and confused) "Why not Weasel suck egg?! You 'sposed to be egg sucker!"

I.M. Weasel: (reassuringly) "My parents used to suck eggs. I guess it's just human nature to rebel against the folks." (to Madame DeBarge) "Don't you agree?"

(The egg, on the other hand, has hit DeBarge in the face, and the yolk oozes between her eyes.)

Madame DeBarge: (angrily) "I couldn't say. All I know is that man is disqualifed!" (points to I.R.)

I.R. Baboon: (sadly) "I... disqualified?"

(Madame DeBarge holds a sheet, which reads "UNACCEPTABLE FOR PING-PONG SUBSTITUTION". The banned substitutions are as follows with pictures next to the words:

1. EGG/egg

2. WALNUT/walnut

3. PEACH/peach

4. CD/cd

5. BOAT/boat)

Madame DeBarge: "We only allow regulation ping-pong balls made from range-fat ping-pongs!" (to two of her sailors) "Take 'im below, girls, and bring a couple of extra ping-pong paddles with ya!"

(DeBarge's sailors grab I.R. Baboon by the hands and hooks and drag him below. I.R. is desperate to save himself from his punishment and sticks his head out to call for help, but no one can save him now)

I.R. Baboon: (desperate) "Mercy! Have mercy for I.R.!" (His head is dragged offscreen stage left.)

Madame DeBarge: "Arrgh, you're a mighty one, Weasel!" (Weasel grips her hook.) "Thank ya!" (seductively) "You can be my cabin boy." (giggles)

(Madame DeBarge gives Weasel her eyepatch, revealing she does have a pair of healthy eyes. Weasel feels honored, as the crowd cheers for their victor and money rains the stands. Madame DeBarge gives Weasel a big kiss, and Weasel takes in her passion.)

(Iris Out)