The Itchy Brain Simulation

Scene: The apartment

Penny: Hey, can I ask you a question?

Leonard: Sure.

Penny: You’ve had this dart board since I’ve known you, but I’ve never seen you play.

Leonard: Oh, uh, we played, once. I broke a window.

Penny: What window?

Leonard: That one over there.

Sheldon: Leonard, where are the Skee-Ball tickets?

Leonard: Skee-Ball tickets?

Sheldon: Yeah, from when we went to the arcade three years ago? I finally decided what prize I want. Hurry up.

Leonard: Uh, if I still have them, they’re probably in the junk box.

Penny: Ooh, what are you gonna get?

Sheldon: None of your business. But when you see me wearing a flower in my lapel later, you are most welcome to sniff it.

Leonard: Yup, oh, here you go.

Sheldon: Oh, thank you. Here, get yourself an eraser for your troubles.

Leonard: Oh. I forgot about this. My aunt made it for me when I started college.

Penny: Aw, did she hate you?

Leonard: Why? Because I got an ugly, itchy sweater, and my brother got a car? No, I was her favorite.

Sheldon: I seem to be a few tickets short. Are there more in the box?

Leonard: Hmm, I think I got them all. Nope, they’re not in there.

Sheldon: Well, you barely looked. Let me see.

Leonard: No, no, no, I, I looked, and there’s, there’s, there’s no more tickets.

Sheldon: Leonard, let me look in the box.

Leonard: Okay, okay. I’m gonna show you what’s in the box. But just promise not to flip out.

Sheldon: Why would I flip out? Is it a spider? It’s a spider.

Penny: No, if it was a spider, Lenny would’ve flipped out.

Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I know I was supposed to return this DVD a long time ago, and I know we rented it on your card. But it’s been, like, seven years and clearly nothing bad has happened. So in-in-in-instead of being a giant pain in the ass like you always are, what if this one time you just tried staying calm?

Sheldon: That seems like a reasonable request. Although so did, hey, Leonard, would you mind returning that DVD?

Leonard: I’m sorry. I’ll, I’ll take care of it.

Sheldon: Okay.

Leonard: I mean it, I’m going to.

Sheldon: I believe you.

Leonard: And you’re going to stay calm?

Sheldon: I said I would.

Leonard: How about that? Sheldon’s being reasonable.

Penny: Yeah, it’s freaking me out. I’m gonna go.

Credits sequence.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: So, when you say you’re not going to freak out about the DVD, here’s what that means. Don’t fixate on it. Don’t wake me up in the middle of the night. Or nag me through the door while I’m on the toilet.

Sheldon: Okay, first, talking to you while you’re on the toilet isn’t exactly a picnic for me either, okay? Remember, when you can hear me, I can hear you. And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It’s, it’s like, a, an itch in my brain I can’t scratch.

Leonard: When I broke my arm I used to stick a coat hanger down there. You ever try that? Maybe go in through the ear?

Sheldon: You wouldn’t make jokes if you could feel the way I feel.

Leonard: Well, I don’t know how to do that.

Sheldon: How about this? I promise I won’t pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That’s a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it.

Leonard: That’s stupid. Why?

Sheldon: You say it’s itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way.

Leonard: I’m telling you, try the hanger.

Sheldon: Put it on. Let’s share the experience.

Leonard: You got it. If this sweater shuts you up, I’m gonna make a fortune selling them to everyone we know. Now all I need to do is head down to the video store and return the DVD.

Sheldon: Oh, did I forget to tell you? That store went out of business years ago.

Leonard: Really?

Sheldon: How those nipples feeling, chief?

Scene: The cheesecake factory bar.

Bernadette: Penny, can we please get our drinks?

Penny: Yeah, hang on, just give me sec.

Amy: At work today, I did an in vivo stereotaxic surgery.

Bernadette: Cool. At my lab, I performed ten laser capture micro-dissections.

Penny: I scraped gum off the bottom of that table. Only ’cause my manager saw me put it there.

Amy: Oh, my gosh. That’s the girl that broke Rajesh’s heart.

Bernadette: That’s Lucy?

Penny: I don’t know why but I always pictured her as Indian.

Bernadette: I think that reason’s called racism.

Penny: I’m gonna go talk to her.

Bernadette: Why? What are you gonna say?

Penny: I’m not gonna say anything. I just want to check her out. Because she hurt my friend. My Indian friend. Who’s racist now?

Bernadette: You because you just called him your Indian friend.

Penny: Yeah, well, you’re short.

Amy: We’re never getting our drinks.

Bernadette: No, but we knew that.

Penny: Hey, can I start you off with something to drink?

Lucy: Oh, water would be great.

Penny: Okay. Um, you’re Lucy, right? I’m a friend of Raj Koothrappali’s. Actually Amy recognized you.

Lucy: Wow. How’s he doing?

Penny: Oh, you know, he’s good.

Lucy: Great.

Penny: Yeah, this is none of my business. But why did you break up with him in an e-mail?

Lucy: Oh, I don’t know. I guess I thought it would be easier.

Penny: Yeah, I get that. I’ll go get you your water. When you say easier, you mean easier for you, right? ‘Cause it certainly didn’t make it easier for him.

Lucy: Any chance I can get a different waitress?

Penny: I’m sorry, this is rude of me. I will go get that water. See, see, see, see. Just now you expressed your feelings to my face. How come you could do that with me, but not Raj?

Lucy: I don’t know your e-mail.

Penny: You know what the worst part is? You’re sitting here, perfectly happy and he’s at home, a blubbering mess.

Lucy: Oh, I thought you said he was okay.

Penny: Well, I also said I was getting you water, but look at me still standing here. You know, I may be a bad waitress, but you are a bad person. Now, you want to hear the specials?

Scene: The apartment.

Howard: So, you can never take it off?

Leonard: No.

Raj: Not even to sleep?

Leonard: No.

Howard: So, you’re just an idiot?

Leonard: It’s called proving a point.

Howard: Is the point that you’re an idiot?

Sheldon: Gentlemen, please. Leonard is trying to walk a mile in my metaphorical shoes. He can’t walk in my actual shoes. He has the feet of a toddler.

Raj: So, how are you gonna return the DVD if the store went out of business?

Leonard: Monday morning I’ll go downtown, look up the owner’s information and send him the DVD. Pay the late fee, and prove to Sheldon that you can have a problem and solve it without acting like a complete lunatic. Ah!

Howard: And the man impersonating a bear would like everyone to know that only you can prevent forest fires.

Raj: I don’t get it.

Howard: You didn’t have Smokey the Bear in India?

Raj: No. Oh, is he anything like, uh, Mun-Mun the Mongoose? He taught us not to play with cobras.

Howard: You had to be taught not to play with cobras?

Raj: You had to be taught not to burn down the forest?

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Penny: Hey, if you guys were hungry, why didn’t you order something at the restaurant?

Bernadette: We did, you never brought it.

Penny: Oh, that’s right. Nachos and a turkey club.

Amy: Not even close.

Penny: Well, I was too busy standing up for my friend to worry about your, I want to say salmon.

Amy: You want to say sorry.

Bernadette: So, how are you gonna tell Raj abut what you did?

Penny: What do you mean how? What’s the big deal?

Amy: You told Lucy he was a pathetic mess.

Bernadette: Then you made her cry and leave.

Penny: Okay, you guys are overreacting. Raj is gonna appreciate how I had his back.

Scene: The same, later.

Raj: What is wrong with you, Penny? You ruined any chance I had of getting back with Lucy. Now she knows I’m a desperate mess instead of just being pretty sure. (Phone text sound) It’s Lucy. She wants to meet for coffee. I love you, Penny.

Scene: Sheldon’s office.

Howard: Hey, what’re you working on?

Sheldon: I’m thinking about how one could use the fact that a rapidly rotating mirror turns virtual photons into real ones as a method of observing dark energy.

Howard: That’s a pretty cool idea.

Sheldon: Yeah. It’s great you’re here. I’d love to get an engineer’s opinion.

Howard: Sure.

Sheldon: This chair is squeaky. Now, do I fix it or get a new one?

Leonard: Well, Sheldon, it took me all morning, but I found the owner of the video store. And I am happy to report that he died peacefully in his sleep, drunk at the bottom of a pool. Anyway, there is no one to return the DVD to, so this issue is resolved. Ah! And I’d just like to point out that even though the sweater was uncomfortable, I didn’t use it as an excuse to antagonize everyone around me.

Howard: You know, you could reimburse the video store owner’s next of kin.

Leonard: Or it’s resolved.

Sheldon: Hey, that next of kin thing sounds pretty good.

Howard: I believe this is yours.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.

Raj: Can I ask you guys a question? So, I’m seeing Lucy tomorrow night, and I’ve never hung out with someone who broke up with me. How do you do it?

Howard: You can’t let her know you’re hurting. You know, the key is confidence.

Raj: Why is the key always confidence? How come it’s never love handles and flop sweat?

Bernadette: If this girl hurt you so much, are you sure you want to see her again?

Howard: Well, if I may, he has so little self-respect and is so desperate for the smallest crumb of affection, she could literally sleep with his own father in his own bed and post the video to YouTube, and he’d still buy her flowers and ask her to be his bride.

Raj: He’s right. But in my defence, if we could survive that, we could survive anything.

Bernadette: Well, if you’re sure you want to do this, it’s only coffee, just relax and see what happens.

Raj: Well, can I say she looks nice?

Bernadette: Sure.

Raj: Can I tell her I miss her?

Bernadette: Maybe, if she asks.

Raj: Oh, can I show her an oil painting I made of us surrounded by our children and grandchildren?

Bernadette: I’d save that for the second date.

Raj: Good, good. ‘Cause no matter how hard I try, I cannot get the twins to look alike.

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Penny: What are you doing?

Leonard: Oh, I’m just trying to find the stupid next of kin to this stupid video store owner so I can return the DVD and see the look on Sheldon’s stupid face when he sees that I didn’t let this get to me.

Penny: Sheldon’s not here. Why don’t you take the sweater off?

Leonard: There’s a principle at stake.

Penny: Which is?

Leonard: Oh, I don’t know. Who cares? Look at me.

Penny: Oh, my God! Is that sweater made of bees? Come on, take it off. I won’t tell.

Leonard: No, no, honey, if I take it off, Sheldon wins.

Penny: Sweetie, every night you don’t kill him in his sleep, he wins.

Leonard: No, it’s, it’s almost done. I just, I have to find the next of kin, and send ’em the DVD and then just wait for someone with my complexion to die so I can get a skin graft.

Penny: Smile.

Leonard: What is that? What is that for?

Penny: So you can send it to Princeton and get your money back.

Scene: The apartment.

Amy: I must say, Sheldon, you’re handling this DVD business with an impressive amount of maturity.

Sheldon: I don’t know why that surprises you. I’m a grown man. As should be evident by this sport coat and very real flower in my lapel.

Amy: Is there some kind of new coping mechanism you’re employing?

Sheldon: The more interesting question you should be asking is, what does this flower smell like?

Amy: I’m gonna go with sad. So what’s the story with you and this DVD?

Sheldon: There’s nothing to tell. Maybe I purchased a book entitled Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and I followed its wise suggestions, one of which was stop and smell the flowers.

Amy: Seriously?

Sheldon: Please. Ha-ha, Oh.

Scene: A coffee shop.

Lucy: Hi.

Raj: Hello. Oh, it’s so good to see you.

Lucy: You, too.

Raj: Please, sit. I, uh, I got you a cappuccino. I remembered it was your favourite. I also got crumb cake, but I remembered it was my favourite and I ate it. Anyway, uh, how are you?

Lucy: I’m pretty good. Listen, I just wanted to apologize for breaking up with you in an e-mail.

Raj: Well, and I ate all the crumb cake. We both made mistakes.

Lucy: Okay.

Raj: I’m so happy you asked me here, and I hope we can hang out again sometime. You know, as friends, lovemaking partners, whatever.

Lucy: Oh, uh, I’m kind of seeing someone.

Raj: I think I know the answer to this, but just to be clear, it’s not me, right?

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Raj: This is all your fault, I should’ve listened to Mun-Mun because I’ve been playing with a cobra and her name is Penny. Why are you so cruel? Do you enjoy my pain?

Penny: There’s a girl at the Cheesecake Factory I can set you up with.

Raj: I love you, Penny.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: How is it I can conceptualize a methodology of examining dark matter in the universe but can’t figure out how to fix a novelty squirt flower?

Amy: I think the real question is, why do you waste your time with cheap, childish pranks?

Sheldon: There’s probably a deep reason. Which I’d be happy to discuss with you over some peanut brittle in a can.

Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I am out of options. Video store owner, Nursis Manookian, has no next of kin.

Sheldon: Well, you seem hot under the collar, or is that the sweater?

Leonard: Oh, oh, no, no. It’s because I spent all afternoon at the Armenian church where his funeral mass was held. According to Father Solakian, no one attended. Luckily, my trip wasn’t a complete waste. I lit a candle and prayed for your death but I’m not Armenian, so it probably won’t work. This is over, right?

Sheldon: Oh, not necessarily. I suggest you look for long-lost relatives either in Armenia or Lebanon.

Leonard: Listen to me, Sheldon. I am not going to Lebanon to return Super Mario Brothers the movie.

Sheldon: You know, it might be fun. You love hummus.

Leonard: Why isn’t this bothering you? Isn’t your brain getting itchy? This is on your card. This could be ruining your credit score. Why isn’t this making you crazy?

Sheldon: Leonard, I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: Seven years ago, I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: I was going to mention it at the time, but then I thought, some day, this might be a teachable moment.

Leonard: Aaaah! I, you, how can, what!

Amy: Sheldon, that was diabolical.

Sheldon: I know. And it wasn’t easy. Do you have any idea what it’s like to wait for years and never know if you’re going to finally get satisfaction?

Scene: A coffee shop.

Raj: Wow. You’re even prettier than Penny said. I can’t believe a girl like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Girl: Well, I don’t.

Raj: I don’t believe you, you’re lying to me.

Girl: What?

Raj: Oh, it’s okay. I have no morals and I’m desperately lonely. I’ll be the other man if you want a little something-something on the side.

Scene: The cheesecake factory.

Girl (to Penny): What is wrong with you?

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Penny (to Raj): What is wrong with you?

Scene: Raj’s apartment.

Raj (to a mirror): What is wrong with you?