Paternal Affairs

Oh, that is beautiful in so many ways. Shut up. Hey, happy anniversary. Happy anniversary, baby. Oh, man, I wanna take you right here with Betty Crocker watching. Come on, honey, I gotta get this ready. People are gonna be here at 2, and it's already like 20 of. "Like 20 of"? I think a certain person's anniversary gift can tell us the exact time. One thirty-seven. Isn't it great? Look at that. It's a ring, it's a watch. It's a ring, it's a watch. Are you done now? - Ring, watch. - Honey, stop. Now, come on, make yourself useful. Go get me the champagne flutes from the armoire. Okay, skinny glasses, big cabinet. Oh, all right. I got that. So? What do you think? Okay. I wanted to do something special for the party, so I thought I'd go nautical. Well, you nailed it, Dad. - This the guest list? - Yes, Dad. Joe Garver? - You invited Joe Garver? - Yes, Dad. After what that son of a bitch did to me at your wedding? Three devilled eggs left on the tray. How many does he take? How many? Three, that selfish bastard. That's right. Well, the day of reckoning has come. Payback time is here! Okay, Dad, listen to me. This is our anniversary, okay? We want it to be a very special day. So do you think you could find it in your heart not to punch or strangle any of our guests? - Of course. Anything for my baby. - Thank you. Unless that Garver pulls more of that devilled-egg crap, and then all bets are off! Look at that. It's a ring, it's a watch. Ring, watch. Wow, that's so neat. Spence, get a picture of this. - Coming up. - Doug, Doug, Doug. It's a ring and a watch. No picture can capture both at the same time. You thought she wanted that strand-of-pearls thing. Well, joke's on me, huh? She smells pretty. Spence? You know, instead of inhaling Sara, you might wanna try, I don't know, talking to her. No. No, that's not necessary. I mean, the relationship is fine the way it is. - She thinks your name is Stan. - Look, it's fine. I'm perfectly content just to be in the same room with her to gather various mental images of her for when I'm home. All right. Well, you enjoy that. - Aunt Sheila! - Oh, Dougie. - How was your flight? - I don't know. Between the Valium and the bloody marys, I basically woke up in the baggage claim. Such a mouth on you. Give me your coat, come here. - Uncle Hank parking the car? - Nope. - Where is he? - He's still in Florida. Hopefully underneath a big, falling anvil. - What? - I left him, Dougie. A month ago. It's the best thing I ever did. What? You guys have been married for so long. What happened? Yeah, I just got tired of living my life to save a nickel on a can of tuna fish, that's what happened. Anyway, I'm back up here now for good. And finally I'm gonna live a little. This is a joke, right? That's what this is. Uncle Hank? Oh, come on, Dougie. Honey, it's gonna be okay. Listen to me. If it's gonna make you feel any better now, I want you to go pour a nice glass of Scotch, take a little sip, and bring the rest to me. Okay, looking good. Yes. Big smiles. Okay, if you could just lick your lips, arch your backs a little. There you go, come on. A little. All right, yeah. Okay, Garver, it's showtime. He's taking one, two, three, four Four? What kind of an animal eats four devilled eggs? Oh, excuse me. Excuse me. - You're welcome to one of mine. - What? Well, please. I couldn't possibly eat both of these. Come on, take them. - Oh, thank you. - Yes. Please excuse my outburst. When it comes to buffet items, I can be a bit of a brute. Arthur Eugene Spooner. Oh, you're Carrie's father. How do you do? I'm Doug's aunt, Sheila Ratnaster. - What a beautiful name! - Why, thank you. Uncle Hank, I don't understand how you can walk away from a wonderful marriage. Okay, yeah, she overpays for tuna, that must be very painful. Now, look, I want you to work this out. Hey, there's more to life than happiness, all right? Get over it. Why won't he listen to me? I don't know, honey, but I think you lost him when you started quoting Scripture. Yeah. I know, I know. I just- They're like second parents to me. I was always over their house after school, playing Nok Hockey with Uncle Hank. And then Aunt Sheila would make me a big dinner. Then I'd go home. For dinner. Oh, man. Look! Look, honey. Ring, watch. Ring, watch. Ring, watch. - You're so lucky. You're lucky. - Yeah. Honey, it still is our anniversary. And I still have a little frosting left. I like frosting. Am I interrupting? No, Dad. No. Douglas? I'd like to talk to you about your Aunt Sheila. Look, Arthur, she's a nice lady. If she ate the last chicken wing or potato puff, I'm sorry. No, no. I found her quite enchanting. In fact, with your permission, I'd like to woo her. "Woo her"? I come to you since you are her closest living relative, other than her husband, that is. Well, Arthur, thanks for coming to me, but I gotta give you a no on this one. But, you know, if you're looking to be set up, I'll certainly keep my eyes open for you. Dad, just give me a second with him, okay? Cold pigs in blankets. Life is good again. - Doug? - Yeah? I know you're upset about your aunt and uncle, but would it be so terrible if my father went out with her? No, no, no. Not gonna date Aunt Sheila. Sorry, no. Well, why not, honey? The man spends every night in our basement alone, yelling at TV commercials. He just wants a little company, that's all. I don't want that company to be my aunt. Let him go out with your aunt. Okay, that would be his sister. There's a great icebreaker. Carrie, I'm not trying to be a jerk about this. It's just that Hank and Sheila, they're still married. - They're probably gonna get divorced. - They are not getting a divorce. They're separated temporarily because they hate each other. Well, look at it this way: What better way to force a woman back to her husband than an evening out with my father? I don't know. Honey, come on, just let him go out with her. Look. Ring, watch. All right, you know what? That well has run real dry, all right? He can go out with her, okay? - Thank you, honey. - All right. Daddy? Yes? Come in. Oh, hi, you're very busy. I'm just gonna give you these and vamoose. - Are these the anniversary pictures? - Yeah, goodbye. Wait, hang on, honey. Let me take a look at them. I might want some copies or something. They're all framed really weird. I think the lab screwed up. It serves me right for using Kodak. Sara by the door. Sara by the couch. Sara on the couch. Sara bending over the couch. How did you get this one of her sleeping? Look, I'm really, really sorry. And I promise I'll make it up to you guys, I swear. All right. Don't worry about it, Spence. Just get some help, okay? Hey. Where you going? I'm so very ashamed. All right, call you later. What you got there? The pictures from our anniversary party. All right. Hey, hon, you look good here, bending over the couch. You look like you lost some weight. That's Sara. I love you. Well, I'm off to my date with Sheila. Daddy, you look so handsome. Doesn't he, Doug? Yeah, he's a sweet piece of man candy. So where you gonna take her? I guess that diner over on Continental Avenue. I'm a little short on the moola this month. All right, Arthur. Here you go, all right? - No, no. I'll be fine. - No, no, come on, here. Take her someplace nice, all right? You have lobster, it's very nautical. Thanks, Douglas. Wish me luck. I'm a little nervous. I haven't had a date in quite a few years. Oh, Dad, just be yourself, it'll be fine. Just don't do that thing with your toes, and don't show her your hernia scar. Well, you're tying my hands here, but okay. Dad, I'm making pancakes, you want any? Dad? Dad? - There you are. - Yes, there I am. So how'd your Dad's date go, huh? Very well. Or not so well, depending on whether you're him or you. You know what, honey? You're late for work. The watch ring doesn't lie. Let's go. You know my shift doesn't start till 9. Not till 9? Is that right? Maybe you wanna go a little early and, you know, kiss up? What's going on? Hi, Doug. Hello, sweetheart. Yes, this is a little awkward, isn't it? But what the hell, I need my coffee. Aunt Sheila? It's Aunt Sheila. Well, it looks like her, hon. - Morning, kids. Morning, my sweet. - Hello, my dear. Look, you gotta get going. I got another one of Doug's aunts coming in right behind you. Oh, stop it. You're so terrible. But so, so cute. Well, thanks again for giving me that extra money. I think the lobster put me right over the top. Are you happy? Are you happy now? Yes, Doug, I have finally achieved my dream of coupling my father with your aunt. I'm ecstatic. "Doug, may I have your permission to woo her?" "Woo her. " Well, it rhymes with "woo"! - All right, Doug, just calm down now. - Look, I can't, okay? That's my Aunt Sheila. She used to bathe me and tuck me in and tell me stories. It's not someone I want to picture straddling Papa. All right, she wasn't straddling him. They were just kind of spooning. Oh, God. Stop. I hope they remembered to use birth control. - What? - I was just thinking. Your aunt's not that old. Has she gone through menopause, do you know? I don't know! Oh, my God, I didn't even think of that. They could have a child. He would be my cousin and my brother-in-law. Oh, God, I hear banjo music. Oh, God. Doug, I agree that this thing has a variety of nauseating aspects to it. But they're two grown adults, with obviously still very strong sexual urges- And there's nothing we can do about it! All right, this isn't so bad, as long as he keeps his hands where they- Oh, God. Oh, God. - Doug, what is the matter? - Nothing. Then why do you keep muttering my father's name and cursing? You know what? It's that music. I just know they're doing something down there. And I can't do something with you when he's in the same house doing something with her. Come on. Yes, you can. No, I can't. Trust me. Honey, they are probably just dancing. You know my father, he loves to dance. Now, come on, do that thing you do. Why isn't he fixing the record? Honey, they will. It just takes time to walk over and do it. - Nighty-night. - Night. Hello. Hey, Spence. Why are you so tired? My father-in-law and my aunt were having sex all night. Gotcha. Look, I went through the anniversary photos, and I managed to cut and paste some of them and get you and Carrie together in a few shots. Trouble is, you're slightly different sizes. This is nice, it looks like I'm standing in the palm of her hand. Isn't it? I'll make you 8-by-1 Os. My treat. - Oh, hi! - Hello. What was your name again? - Stan. - Stan, right, Stan. Listen, I'm so glad I ran into you. See, I was looking through the pictures from the anniversary party, and, you know, something about them was so great. Thank you. The thing is, my agent says I need some new shots for my portfolio. And I was thinking, could you maybe take them? I mean, I can't pay you a lot, but, you know, just as a favour? Well, I can only do it evenings. - If daytime's better, I can quit my job. - Yeah. Yeah, okay. Morning, Doug. Yeah, morning. You look tired. I didn't get much sleep. I didn't either, if you get my drift. Do you? Do you? Do you? I get it, all right? Leave me alone. Actually, Doug, I didn't just come up here for playful banter. Then go back. Well, before I do, I want to talk to you about Aunt Sheila. Once again, I stand before you, seeking your permission. For what? What do you wanna do now? Do you wanna stick her in go-go boots and make her dance in a cage? No. I plan to ask her to become the fourth, and hopefully final, Mrs. Arthur Spooner. You wanna marry her? What are you, insane? I know what you're thinking. Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk free? Well, the fact is, I love that cow. Yeah, well, you know what? You can't have that cow, okay? Tell you what, no more milk, either. That's it, all right? Permission denied. Well, I don't need your permission, Douglas! Asking for it was just my charming way of breaking the news to you. Carrie! - What? - Could you come down here, please? I'm in the shower. Yeah, well, your father wants to marry my aunt! - Tell him no. - I did! - What'd he say? - He said he's doing it anyway! I'll be right down. Oh, now you're screwed. Oh, yeah? Well, you can forget about being my best man. Listen closely to me, Arthur, you may not ask my aunt to marry you. So I'm good enough to be your father-in-law, but not your uncle, is that it? Well, too bad. I'm gonna marry her and you can't stop me, nephew! Oh, hi, Dougie, I was expecting someone else. - Do you want to come in? - No. I can't. I'm running late for work. But I really need to talk to you about Arthur. Arthur, yes. He's such a free spirit, isn't he? Yeah, he's a barrel of monkeys. Look, I know this is none of my business, but I really think you need to put the brakes on this relationship thing before things go too far. How much farther can they go? We've pleasured each other in every way- Okay! Okay! Okay! Thank you. Thank you. Look, you don't understand. Arthur, he's gonna ask you to marry him. Now, I know you may be tempted to do this, but I'm telling you, if you rush into this, you, Arthur and I are gonna regret it for the rest of our lives. I don't want to marry Arthur. - You don't? - No. Hi, Joe. I'll be right in. You're dating Garver? I met him at your party. I had a very good night. Let's face it, I looked hot. I can't believe this! This whole time I'm worried about my poor, vulnerable Aunt Sheila getting hurt. Meanwhile, you're having a great time working your way through the old men of Queens. Doug, I have been married to one man for over 30 years. I'm entitled to sow a few oats, for God's sake. Hey, Arthur is not oats, okay? He's a guy who loves you, and he thinks you love him. I mean, you're treating him like crap! - Douglas! - Sorry. Now, look, tomorrow I'm gonna talk to Arthur, okay? But right now, I have company. Excuse me. And tuck in that shirt. What are you doing here, Heffernan? You came here to poison her against me? No, no, no. I mean, well, yes, but- Look, you can't go in there. Step aside. I don't want to have to remove you. Nor do I think I could. Look, Arthur, I really think we need to talk. Hey, what your aunt and I have is something beautiful, something you'll never understand. Now, good day, sir. - Arthur- - Good day, sir! What are you looking at? - Your Dad asleep? - Yeah. I read to him from one of his Time-Life books on how to build a deck. Put him right out. He's a tough guy. He'll bounce back from this. Hey. Where's Spence? What happened to the photo shoot? We're done. What do you mean, you're done? You just started five minutes ago. It was so weird. He put the film in the camera, and as soon as I started posing, he shot his entire roll in like ten seconds. And then he runs off, saying, "Nothing like this has ever happened before. " They always say that.