Black Mystery Month

How many of you sitting in this room, have even seen a black person? None of you! The average white man thinks about sex every 6 seconds, but he only thinks about sex with a black man, once a year! I have no idea what he's talking about but I feel terrible. So the next time you privileged suburban white boys think Beethoven wasn't black, maybe you should look in the mirror! Yeah, uh, so Pick a black guy and do a report. Hey, Steve, you wanna play that game where you start with a tower of blocks and one by one you take them out and stack them on top until it collapses. You mean Jenga? Well, I think it's pronounced "Henga," but if you want to crap all over the Spanish language, go ahead. Sorry, I have to write a Black History Month report, I haven't pick the subject yet. How about George Washington Carver? - He invented peanut butter. - Of course! Peanut butter is my favorite thing in the world! If it were for Io, the ice moon of Jupiter, it will be my favorite thing in the solar system! Great idea, Mom! Oh, my goodness! Did someone just take my advice? I have something I've been saving for just this occasion. If anyone needs me, I'll be celebrating in the bathtub. - Why would anyone need you? - Shut up, Klaus! Hey, Hayley-kins. Want to play Jenga? That game's kind of lame. Unless you want to make it a little more interesting. - Uh, no thanks. - I thought you loved to gamble. Oh, is that what that means? I thought you were hitting on me. No, sure, yeah, let's play. Hey, lights out! It's past your bed time. Dad, I'm too old for a bed time. Steve, how many times have I told you, if children get less than 8 hours of sleep, their boy glands emit a pleasant berry scent that attracts pedophiles. I'm not a kid, you don't have to tell me lies anymore. And I don't need this stupid child proof lock on the internet. Everytime I try to access a site, I get this. What kind of filthy are you trying to look up anyway? I'm doing a report on George Washington Carver for Black History Month. Carver? The peanut butter guy? Come on, Steve, why don't you pick an interesting black person, like Dr. Daniel Williams, who performed the first successful open heart surgery. Or Tim Middles, the luckiest man in show business. Dad, I think I'm old enough to decide who to do my report on. I guess I'm gonna have to start treating you like an adult. Now, don't forget to brush your teeth or gobelins will kill your mother. Why do you need to go to a grocery store to research this Carver guy? To know the man, I must taste the man. That's weird. - Hand me a magnifying glass. - Which one? Look at the belt buckle on the Robin Hood peanut butter label. It's the same symbol as the dot over the "I" in Jiffy. It's even on Union Brand, America's first peanut butter! - Where? - In President Peanut's monocle. - That's just his eye! - Look closer. Curiouser and curiouser. We've got to get to the bottom of this mystery. Count me out. I gave up sleuthing when the case of the missing bicorn turned into a double rape homicide. I need some more time for my report on George Washington Carver. Why? The brother invented peanut butter. Just stretch it over 5 pages and hand it in. It's deeper than that, sir. Look, every jar of peanut butter has this same symbol on it. I think there might be some kind of conspiracy. That's ridiculous. Turn in your paper or face the consequences. I'm sorry, sir, I'm going to follow this through. Even if it means I have to talk to the creepy librarian with the burned ear. Yes? I'm afraid we've got some chocolate in our peanut butter. Hello, are you the curator of the Smithsonian Peanut Museum in Washington D. C. ? - Who wants to know? - Steve Smith. I'm doing a report on George Washington Carver. And I have some questions about a weird symbol I found on peanut butter jars. - It's probably nothing, but - No! It's like a huge, huge thing! It's time the truth came out. Come see me at 3 o'clock. And be careful, they're watching you. Don't worry, I wasn't trying to kill you. I'm just a drunk driver. What's going on? I have an appointment with the curator. - The curator was murdered. - Oh, my God! - Someone killed him? - Funny. I never said he was murdered. Yes yes, you did. God, he's wedged into the mouth of a giant bust of George Washington Carver! That's classified. How do you know that? Uh, I can see it from here. Uh, okay. That checks out. Why would the killer stick the curator to the roof of the statue's mouth? Like peanut butter. You don't get it, kid. He did it to himself. He was stabbed and left for dead. He managed to climb up there right after he scrawled a dying message in his own blood. "In the elf condom. " What does it mean? I'll tell you what it means. It means we're looking for a horny midget that plays it safe. Come on, boys! "In the elf condom. " Wait. That's an anagram for "find the monocle. " My selective dyslexia disorder finally pays off! "Find the monocle. " Let's see. "Mono" means "one," And "cole" is a type of slaw. We're looking for one slaw. Oh! I can't think with that clock ticking. Oh! The symbol! - This is the monocle! - Hey! - What are you doing in here? - Nothing. Sweet berries. Hey, champ. Got enough sleep last night? Roger, it's been hours. You gonna make a move or not? I'm thinking. Uh, you can't take it from the top. I'm gonna need a minute. Peanut butter. Crunchy. Creamy. Creamy! No, no, that means nothing. Steve Smith, you need to come with us. - Why? - You won a free air conditioner. Awesome. Don't even think about running. Sorry. Just me again. Looks like I'm hitting everything but rock bottom, huh? Huh? I gotta go. Let go of me! Don't worry, they're just blanks. Why did you do that? 'Cause that's the last fun you're gonna have for a long time. What are you talking about? Why are these people chasing me? You stumbled upon the most dangerous secret in American history. Now they want you to pay for it. With your life. Steve, keep it down. I don't think we're supposed to be on this roof. Dad, what the hell is going on? Look, you're in over your head. Forget about your report on Carver. Just do it on Will Smith. Oh, wait, you need a black guy. Dad, a museum curator was murdered and his dying message led me to this. - The monocle! - You know what this is? Steve, just give it to me. This isn't child's play. And I'm not a child. Okay, Steve, you win. We'll solve this thing together. Bobby Brown! He's black. Bobby Brown. I did it. Steve, this conspiracy dates back to the Civil War. This is what I know. - Is that President Lincoln? - Yes. It was 1865. The North's victory over the South was imminent. We can force emancipation of the slaves upon the South. But I fell those crackers will never embrace the negro as their equal. Speaking of crackers, what is this delicious paste about which I am snapping? It tastes as if derived of the nutted pea. Don't eat that. That's one of my wife's lunatic concoctions for staving off evil spirits. One day a man will walk on the moon. His name: Army Neilstrong. - This is delicious. - What? Upon my chain you surely do, Yank. Gentlemen, the solution to our problem is spread before us. Lincoln's plan was simple. He would introduce this delicious new spread to the South, and credit its invention to a black man. He was certain even the most bitter confederate would embrace former slaves, if one of them was responsable for such a tasty treat. Unfortunately, John Wilkes Booth, who despised legume-based racial harmony, got wind of the plan and made sure it died with Lincoln. Without the salve of peanut butter, the nation's wounds healed slowly. It wasn't until 31 years later, that the plan was resurrected by our nation's greatest President. Grover Cleveland. Cleveland learned that a young black botanist, who had developed hundreds of uses for peanuts. Incredibly mashing them up and eating them wasn't one of them. But Cleveland constructed an ingenious plan allowing Carver to receive credit for the invention. George Washington Carver didn't invent peanut butter! That's right. You're one of the few people outside of the Illuminutty who knows this secret. - The Illuminutty? - That's who's chasing us. A secret society dedicated to concealing this truth at all costs. - This is their mysterious symbol. - The peanut in the pyramid! Oh, yeah. I guess that is what it is. After the civil war, our nation was healed by the belief that peanut butter was invented by a black man. The Illuminutty is convinced that our country will descend into chaos, if this lie is ever exposed. - That's why they killed the curator! - Okay, loud. Loud. He said it was time the truth came out. We have to tell everyone! Yes. But no one will believe us unless we have the jar of proof. A jar containing physical evidence that Carver didn't invent peanut butter. - Where is this jar? - Only the curator knew. The Illuminutty's been looking for it for decades. And when they find it, they'll destroy it. We've got to find it first, so America will know the truth! Well, we do have one thing the Illuminutty doesn't. A map I found years ago. Unfortunately, it can only be read with a special ocular device. The monocle! Yes, Steve, the monocle! How does that feel? It works, you can read the map! Dad, it's not a map, it's a message. "Find the cane that bore Old Glory, 1730 M Street. " Old Glory? - It must be a flagpole. - Good work, Dad. But why did we have to come to a Burger King to read the map? Because the economics of television have changed, Steve. Have it your way! Oh, my God. You finally make your first move and you lose. - That's classic, I'm going to bed. - Not so fast! That was just my test model. The real one still stands. It's permitted. I called Hasbro. They said it violated the spirit of the game, but not the actual rules. Well, this is the address, but I don't see any flagpoles, just an old strip club. Well, no flagpoles in the VIP room. It took you 45 minutes to figure that out? No, and it also didn't take me $300. Dad, Old Glory wasn't a flag! She was our nation's first stripper. And that's the pole that bore her. Look! The symbol! We got to get that pole. Uh, excuse me, ladies? If anyone has left a toddler locked in their car, he, uh he just found your stash. - Oh, my God! - My baby! - My meth! I can't believe you brought in an engineer. - I can't believe you didn't. - Okay. Here's a list of 49 simple moves, that won't compromise the integrity of the strucutre. Yeah, I don't really trust computers. I'm just gonna go with my heart. Then, why did you hire me? Hire you? Steve, are you sure about this? Stop treating me like a little kid. I was right about the pole, wasn't I? It's working! Soon the beam of light will show us the exact location of the Steve, what have you done?! You've ruined everything! I'm sorry, Dad, I'm A genius. Look! "Lastly, tip your hat in the Garden of Eden. " - It's the last clue! - Duh! Really?! - Sorry, it's been a really long night. - "The Garden of Eden. " I'm on it, Steve. Yeah, I'm gonna need two tickets on your next flight to the Garden of Eden. "The Garden of Eden. " The first Garden. What do you mean you don't fly to biblical allegories? See, this is why you people are going out the business. I've got it! The First National Garden! But this is the only peanut plant in this whole place. - The hat has got to be in here. - It's empty. It's a dead end. Fudge! Wait, Steve. Don't declare fudge just yet. Look. The symbol! And the pot is shaped like a hat! It's the last piece of the puzzle! Wait a minute. Monocle, cane, hat All the clues are things the President Peanut wears! Great work, Steve. All we need now is a 20-foot peanut with presidential aspirations. - To the Iowa caucuses! - No, Dad. What we need is a 20-foot President. Of course! Lincoln was the father of the conspirancy. The original President Peanut. Well, here it goes. Oh, God. The jar of proof must be in there. Hidden up Lincoln's proof shoot. We did it, Dad. Soon the whole world will know the truth. Nothing can stop us now! I'll go first. Careful. These stairs will be dangerous without a balust Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad. Dad. Almost there, Dad. Hey, look, funny pages from 1916. Ooh, the Katzenjammer Kids. Let's see. They're putting their dad in a barrel and rolling it down a stiff hill. And now he's injured. That's not funny. I guess comedy has really evolved. Thanks Harvard! And that's where babies come from. Look out, Dad! I can't believe there's lava under Washington, D. C. Where do you think all the hot air comes from? Oh, my God, I see it. I'm going in. Finally. Okay, your turn. Come on already! Funny. Dad, there it is! The jar of proof. Can't reach it Steve, I'll help you up. Booby trap! There's something inside. It's the playbill from the night Lincoln was assassinated. It's got his blood. And all the names he considered for peanut butter. Ya, ya, now hand it over. Now the world can know the truth. Right, Dad? Yeah, sure. Gimme-gimme. Finally the Wait, this isn't the jar of proof. He switched them on me. Steve? You're one of them. You don't care about the truth, you're just gonna destroy it. It's over, boy. Give me the jar. - President Jimmy Carter? - That's right. The Second President Peanut. I'm sorry, son. When were you going to tell me you were part of the Illuminutty? Steve, that's crazy, I was never going to tell you. All this time, I thought I was proving I was so grown-up. But you just saw me as a stupid kid you could use to find your precious jar of proof. Precious indeed. Without this secret, our young nation would have never survived. Steve, if you are a grown-up, you'll understand why we have to destroy it. - The truth would tear this country apart. - Maybe back then, but America is a big boy now, and so am I. We can handle the truth. Whatever it's about bed time or black people. Enough, give me the jar and let's be done with it! - Dad, don't do it! - Trust me, son I'm doing the grown-up thing here. And so, the safety of our nation will forever be insured. God bless Americ Let's get out of here! Wow, Dad, you switched jars on him. - That was so awesome! - Well, I learned it from you. - I guess maybe you are all grown-up. - Thanks, Dad. Now, come on! We've got some proof to spread. - Wait, that's the wrong jar! - What?! That's impossible! I thought you made the switch. What happened? I had to make the switch? I thought it was like a magic bagpack or something. No. It wasn't. Now, the world will never know the truth. If only there was a place where you can make any outrageous claim you want, with absolutely no proof and millions of people would accept it as fact. That's it! Thanks for taking that block of the internet, Dad. Well, you're a young man now. You ready for everything the internet has to offer. - Even porn. - Wow, porn! This is the best Black History Month ever!