The Producer

[The opening teaser: Jesse brings out some mini-sized boxes of Kellogg's cereals for D.J. and Stephanie (with the brand and part of the real names of each edited out – so as to avoid ).]

Jesse: You girls want some cereal?

D.J. & Stephanie: Yeah.

Jesse: Alright, we've got your, uh, we've got your Puffs, we've got your, uh, Pops, we've got some sort of Smacks, we've got everything here. [He puts them on the table.]

Joey: There's only one thing I want for breakfast: [as he takes the tin out of the cabinet] Vanilla Weasels – the most delectable cookie ever created. [He takes off the lid, looks in, makes a sound, and turns it upside-down – all that comes out are the paper cups that the cookies were in.] My Weasels! Who ate my Weasels?!

[The girls look at each other and start the finger-pointing game.]

D.J. & Stephanie: She did! I did? You did!

Joey: Yeah, well, somebody did.

D.J.: [scoffs] Come on, Steph. You were eating three at a time.

Stephanie: How would you know? You had your head in the tin.

D.J.: What are you saying, I have no self-control?

Stephanie: I bet you couldn't go one day without sweets.

D.J.: [scoffs again] I could go a lot longer than you could.

Stephanie: Oh yeah?

D.J.: Yeah. First one to eat, lick, or even nibble a sweet has to do the other one's chores for an entire week.

Stephanie: It's a bet, ''.

D.J.: You're on, ''.

[They shake hands.]

[In the kitchen, Stephanie is doing her homework, just as D.J. comes home from school and enters from the back door.]

D.J.: Well, well, well, how was school today? Any sweet temptations?

Stephanie: You might say that. [She removes her glasses.] Seems someone slipped some in my gym sock.

D.J.: Really? Who could've done such an underhanded, yet brilliant thing?

Stephanie: Gee, I wonder. [She grabs said sock, and the chocolate candies dump out individually.] Go ahead, count 'em.

D.J.: [counting them silently] This one [showing it off] appears to have been licked!

Stephanie: No way. I did not lick that. I said I would not lick anything.

D.J.: I can see teeth.

[They continue arguing.]

[Jesse and the twins have just returned from shopping at the store, as Joey comes downstairs.]

Joey: Hey Jess, did you get my Vanilla Weasels?

Jesse: Oh, I'm sorry, Joey. Bad news: they don't make 'em anymore.

Joey: What?!

Jesse: Yeah. But, look at this. Hey, look at this. I got you, uh... Wait till you see this. [He reaches into the bag and brings out a red box.] Chocolate Badgers instead, huh?

Joey: Instead?! Jess, there is no 'instead'. Vanilla Weasels are more than just a cookie. They're a lifetime of memories for me.

Jesse: Well?

Joey: [puts his hand on Jesse's shoulder] When I was a kid...

Jesse: Yeah?

Joey: My mom would tuck me in bed...

Jesse: And?

Joey: Give me a Weasel...

Jesse: And?

Joey: And sing me the score to South Pacific. Boy, those were 'some enchanted evenings', Jess.

Jesse: Yeah. Suddenly it's starting to all make sense, Joe.

[Danny decides to quit Wake Up, San Francisco over Becky's promotion, but he has one last thing to say to her.]

Danny: [pointing his finger at her] You're in deep water here, 'Ms. Producer', because they'll never find another Danny Tanner. I am Mr. Wake Up, San Francisco.

[On a videotape of Wake Up, San Francisco with Becky's new co-host, which she is showing the family:]

Phil Blankman: Great to be here... Beckarino! [laughs]

Becky: Well, it's great to have you here... Philarino! [to the viewers] And our special guest is Janet Reno, the attorney general of the United States.

[Becky stops the video and asks for opinions.]

Becky: So, what do you think of him [Phil]?

[They all look at each other.]

Jesse: Well, he's, uh, perky.

Joey: Yeah, perky.

D.J. & Stephanie: Yeah.

[Because D.J. and Stephanie have made a pact to not eat any sweets...]

Stephanie: Celery?

D.J.: Thanks.

Stephanie: What are you pretending yours is?

D.J.: Snickers. You?

Stephanie: Dove bar. Wanna trade?

[The family goes out to eat at a French restaurant, to celebrate Becky's promotion, and the twins see a cake.]

Nicky: I want dessert.

Alex: Double bazert.

Jesse: No, no, no, no, no. No, boys. No 'bazert', no 'bazert'. [He gives the cake back.] Thank you, garçon. You finish your dinner, then you can have 'bazert'.

Twins: [while banging their forks on the table] We want dessert! We want dessert! We want dessert! We want dessert!

[They keep chanting, causing Jesse to do a .]

[Jesse grabs his screaming twins by their suspenders and picks them up as everyone continues to watch. He takes them out into the waiting room (which he calls the 'screaming room'), sets them down on a divan, and their screaming stops.]

Jesse: You have a choice. You can stay out here and have your little tantrum. Or you can go back inside, act like gentlemen, eat your meal, have your dessert, and everything will be cool. OK? ... Go ahead, guys. I got time. Talk among yourselves.

[The twins whisper to each other.]

[At the table...]

Waiter: Would anyone who's not shrieking care for dessert?

Joey: There's only one dessert for me, and it's extinct.

[When the waiter tells the older girls that the cookie crumble cheesecake in his cart is the very last piece, he suggests that they...]

Waiter: Better jump on it.

Stephanie: We will! [She literally makes a break for it, as her former roommate holds her back.]

D.J.: Not literally. We'll take it.

[The waiter has just served desserts to those who want them...]

Waiter: Well, if there's nothing else... [to Becky] wait a minute, I thought I recognized you! You're on Wake Up, San Francisco! [to Danny] And you're not. Say, what's with that new guy and where did he get that laugh?

Danny: Yeah, I know, it's like a hyena.

Waiter: A hyena, that's it. [He proceeds to laugh like one.]

[Becky doesn't like Danny getting in her face and comparing the new Wake Up, San Francisco to a "rotting tooth". So she gets in his face.]

Jesse: [pounding the table] Alright, alright, hold it, hold it! [He does the cut motion, causing both his wife and his brother-in-law to stop arguing and look at him.] Now, one more outburst and I'm gonna pick you both up by your suspenders and take you out to the 'screaming room'.

Danny & Becky: [as they play the finger-pointing game] She/He started it.