The President Wore Pearls

Oh, boy! It's Casino night! Finally, they'll teach our kids the dangers of doubling down on a six. I really shouldn't be here. I have a problem with games of chance. I played Candy Land with Maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face. Aw, Marge. I bet you've gotten that out of your system. Bet? System? Betting system? God is telling me to gamble! (PEOPLE PROTESTING) Hey! Hey! Hey! Deal. Hit me, hit me, hit me. Busted. (WHIMPERS) Hello and welcome to Springfield Elementary Casino Night. My fee for this evening goes to the victims of my criminal recidivism. So relax, have fun and please God don't piss me off. Congratulations, Mr. Student Body President. Your Casino Night is a huge success. Thanks, Principal Skinner. I got the idea from an episode of Saved by the Bell. It was always on too late for me. I'll put everything on lucky 17. (REPEATING) D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh... Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh... Woo-hoo! And the winner is 17! I win! This is it, baby. First thing tomorrow, we're getting a PlayStation One. Ohhh! I'd like to cash in these chips. Give me most of it in cash and the rest in suitcases to carry the cash. Sir, this casino is for charity. These chips are only redeemable in the cafeteria scrip or a day at the ballpark with Groundskeeper Willie. I'll be bringin' sparkplugs to chuck at people I don't like, like you! But I'm up $200,000. Give me my money! You think I won't manhandle a little boy? You don't understand. It's not real money. None of these people have won any money. What? Didn't anyone read the flyer? It was sent home last Tuesday. (MILHOUSE SCREAMING) Look at me! I'm a big man! But I break just like a little girl. Well, this was a disaster. I should've known. The same thing happened on Saved by the Bell. Care for a milk? No, thank you. Martin, in light of this fiasco, you're going to have to resign as the president. I'll have that milk now. Easy there. That's whole milk. I'm a private citizen now! I can drink whatever I want! You won't have Martin Prince to kick around anymore! (SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING) Well, I guess we're gonna need a new student body president. We're from Acme Amusement Rental. We're looking for Principal Skinner. Uh. Yes, we all are. Whoo!