The Infestation Hypothesis


 * Howard: So, how's it going with the long distance love affair?
 * Leonard: It's not easy, but we're making it work.
 * Howard: When you say "Making it work", does it include doing The Cyber Nasty?
 * Leonard: What?
 * Howard: You know, the virtual pickle tickle? The digital bow-chicka-bow-wow?


 * Leonard: (Referring to his Skype date with Priya) You know, some people might say that it’s great that we’re trying to make things work long distance. They’d say things like, "Love is stronger than the miles between you."
 * Sheldon: When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.


 * Penny: (After Sheldon's three successive triple-knocks at her door) What’s up, buttercup? … What’s the word, hummingbird? … What’s the gist, physicist?


 * Leonard: (To Priya, attempting cybersex, after he removes his shirt) Tah-dah! Man nipples!


 * (Amy is playing her harp to a Bossanova standard)
 * Amy: 5, 6, 7, 8... Tall and tanned and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking. And when she passes, each one she passes goes...
 * Sheldon: (knock knock knock) Amy, (knock knock knock) Amy, (knock knock knock) Amy.
 * Amy: ...aww
 * (Amy stops playing and goes to answer her door for Sheldon.)
 * Amy: You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behavior is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder.
 * Sheldon: Is not. Is not, Is not.
 * Amy: Denial. Denial. Denial. Come in.


 * Sheldon: (Trying to get Amy to help him with his disgust with Penny's chair) Name your price.
 * Amy: Kiss me where I’ve never been kissed before.
 * Sheldon: You mean like ?
 * Amy: Never mind, I’ll talk to Penny.


 * Sheldon: (To Leonard over his Long-Distance relationship with Priya): I miss the old days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store.


 * (Penny and Sheldon are reading magazines together.)
 * Penny: We're like an old married couple.
 * Sheldon: If we were an old married couple, the wife would be serving iced tea and s.
 * Penny: I don't have any iced tea or snicker-doodles.
 * Sheldon: A good wife would go to the store.
 * Penny: I want a divorce.
 * Sheldon: Good. On the way to the lawyer, go pick up some iced tea and snicker-doodles.
 * (Both laugh over the joke)


 * Amy: I just have one question about the chair.
 * Penny: And what’s that?
 * Amy: Aren't you worried about it being unhygienic?
 * Penny: No, it’s completely fine. Hmm. I get it. Sheldon sent you. He put you up to this.
 * Amy: No, he didn't.
 * Penny: Really?
 * Amy: Yes, he did. He absolutely did.
 * Penny: My God, Amy, that’s really crappy of you.
 * Amy: It is?
 * Penny: Yeah! Letting Sheldon use you to manipulate me? I thought you were my friend.
 * Amy: No, I am your friend. Please don’t be mad at me.
 * Penny: I can’t even believe this. You know maybe you should just go.
 * Amy: No, no, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I take it all back. Look. I’m, uh, I’m sitting in your chair. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s a great chair. Please let me continue to be part of your world. Ow!
 * Penny: What’s wrong?
 * Amy: Something in the chair’s biting my tushy. It’s not important. Ow!
 * Penny: Wait. Get up, get up! (She does. Something is moving in the seat cushion. They both run out of the apartment screaming.) Swear you won’t tell Sheldon what happened!
 * Amy: (between screams): I swear! Can I tell my doctor? I’m probably gonna need shots!
 * Penny: (also still screaming): Yeah, sure!


 * Sheldon (at Penny’s door): (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
 * Penny: What’s up, buttercup?
 * Sheldon: You have to get rid of the chair.
 * Penny: Nope. (Closes door)
 * Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
 * Penny: What’s the word, hummingbird?
 * Sheldon: For your safety, please wait in my apartment as I call the authorities so they may remove the chair of death.
 * Penny: No. (Closes door)
 * Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
 * Penny: What’s the gist, physicist?
 * Sheldon: Under my authority as a self-appointed member of the Centers for Disease Control street team, these premises are condemned. (Penny tries to close door) As a man with a keen sense of style, I must tell you, that chair does not work with the room. (Penny closes door). (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Penny opens door and waves seat cushion at him. He screams and runs off. She closes door. He sneaks back) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.