Peggy's New Beau

Here's some hors d'oeuvres. The crackers are low-cal and taste like tree bark so I doubled up on the spray cheese. Thanks, Mom. - When's your boyfriend getting here? - Quit calling him my boyfriend. I told you. He's just a fellow from my church that I'm seeing socially. Socially? Is that what you kids are calling it these days? I'm not amused by the tramp talk. Regardless, it's a good idea for me to get a look at this guy and size him up. Gotta warn you, he's a smooth talker. Man could sell sand to an Arab. Hey, I'm a police officer and I can spot a con man a mile away. And they love to prey on frail, vulnerable women like yourself. That's true. - That would be him. - Take a seat, Mom. I got this. Promise me you two stags won't lock horns in the living room. I'm just gonna lay out a few ground rules let him know I'm keeping an eye on him. You must be little Mikey. Yeah, hi. Come on in. Thank you. Dennis Richardson is my name. - I'm your mom's - Friend from church. Friend from church. Forgive my tardiness. I didn't allow for enough time to cook dinner as well as give myself a haircut. I can vouch for the tastiness of the food but I wouldn't take a tape measure to these sideburns. You cooked dinner at your house? Cooking here implies a level of domesticity that makes Margaret uneasy. Oh, by the way, shoes on or shoes off? Leave them on. These kids don't need to see you running around half-naked. Understood. Oh, and I bought you some baseball cards. Upper Deck. Uh, thanks. Ha. Hi, I'm Molly, Mike's girlfriend. Oh, really? Margaret never mentioned that little Mikey was seeing someone. Well, it's an honor and a privilege to meet you, Molly. I'm afraid that since I was unaware of your existence I neglected to bring you a gift. Don't worry. It's just nice to meet you, Dennis. Perhaps I could offer you a book of stamps or a crisp $5 bill. No, no. Look at him work his magic. Sand to an Arab. Dinner was delicious. Good for you, finding a man who knows his way around the kitchen. - I know my way around a kitchen. - I meant cooking not finding an Oreo in the dark. While the dishes soak shall I whip us up a batch of my homemade Oatmeal Scotchies? I could eat a cookie. We're fine, Dennis. We're trying to lay off sweets. Aw. That was a really wonderful meal. Where did you learn to cook? I was a cook in the Army during the Vietnamese conflict. Vietnam? Wow, did you see any combat? That's how I got this bum ear. Artillery barrage. If I hadn't covered my head with that stock pot of chipped beef I don't think I'd be standing before you today. - I thought you were gonna make cookies. - I'd eat a cookie. No, no. No cookies. Why don't you just sit down with us for a while? - He doesn't like to sit. - It's true. Probably from all that time I spent crouching in a bamboo cage getting poked by a Vietcong bayonet. Oh, my God, you were a POW? Eighteen months waist-deep in a snake-infested swamp. Still better than high school, though. Oh, boo-hoo, Cinderella. Quit boring these kids with your sob stories. You're absolutely right, Margaret. This evening is not about me. It's about little Mikey and his lovely girlfriend. So how long have you two been together? I don't know, like, maybe a year. Seven months. I was rounding up. So are you young people hearing wedding bells in your future? - Oh. - What the hell's the matter with you? They haven't been together long. The wheels could fall off this wagon on the drive home. Well, I don't know about that. I think we're doing fine. We're moving along very nicely. Absolutely. We got a good thing here. And we don't need to ruin it by talking about marriage. Well, I don't think it'd ruin it. Oh, I didn't mean ruin, I just meant spoil or taint. Taint? The point is that's a conversation for another time, way in the future. So how far in the future are you talking about? Because I'm in my 30s and I'd like to have children someday. Well, me too, but But what? Uh It would appear that I've opened up a can of worms. And you wonder why people lock you in cages and poke you with knives. I've never met the man and he asks if Molly and I are getting married. Once somebody drops the M-bomb, it changes everything. It never goes away. It's like trying to get dog crap out of a tennis shoe. Hose it down, take an old toothbrush to it. Don't matter. That shoe ain't never gonna smell right. I'm not gonna rush into anything. When Molly and I are both ready, then we'll get married. Good for you. Just don't you dare elope on me. It'll break my heart and I will never, ever forgive you. - What are you talking about? - I'm assuming I'm your best man. Unless another guy Heimliched a Sugar Baby out of your windpipe. And I would be honored to be a groomsman as long as you pair me with Molly's sister. I am bound and determined to tap that. You can both just relax. Molly and I aren't anywhere near getting married. When the time is right, you'll know. But let me say, I am a sucker for a spring wedding. Yes. The flowers are beautiful. The season gives you that sense of new beginnings. Midwest, though. Roll the dice on the weather. You plan an outdoor wedding, but with an indoor option. Oh! Listen, ladies, nobody's getting married. Understood. But I need three weeks' notice if you want a decent best-man speech. And if anybody's tapping Molly's sister, it's gonna be me. Well, good luck with that. You have the badge, but I have the accent. Bachelor party can't just be thrown together at the last minute. That's true. We should probably start scouting out strip clubs right now. We can begin downtown and then work our way to the airport. I don't know. Those places get nastier the closer you get to the airport. I say we start there. Vin, sweetie, it's not a big deal. Once in a while, it's gonna happen to a man your age. Yeah, but it's never happened to me before. I'm so humiliated. Hey, I'm a patient woman. And I know eventually when you relax a little and take the pressure off yourself you'll remember exactly where you left your Viagra. Lucky for us, there's more than one way to skin a cat. I pray to God you're talking about skinning an actual cat. Where's the big guy? Sleeping in? No, things were kind of awkward between us last night so he slept at his place. See? Not every night can be Mardi Gras. Sometimes a man is tired and overworked, so he forgets where he put his erection enhancers. - Goodbye. Sit. Sit down, honey. Now, Vin, hush. Now, listen, if you and Mike are having troubles you can talk to us about it. It's no big deal. Last night, somebody brought up the topic of marriage and Mike panicked. What do mean, panicked? You know, his face turned white he started fidgeting and chewing his thumb. He looked like a giant baby that had to go pee-pee. Can you imagine powdering that big bottom? - Mom. - Sorry, sorry. Um Honey, you know he loves you. I'm sure, like all men, he's just a little gun-shy. Was that a shot at me? Because when I find my little blue friends, I'll show you who's gun-shy. Retrace your steps, honey. Anyway I don't know. I feel like I've been pushing Mike since day one of this relationship. I asked him out. I was the first one who wanted to sleep together. Maybe I should back off until he figures out what it is he really wants. Well, what do you want, sweetie? I wanna marry the guy someday. But I don't want him to feel I'm railroading him. Then you're just gonna have to relax and trust that if it's meant to be, it'll be. Take life as it comes. Oh, I suck at that. In my glove compartment from the time we did it at the car wash. T-minus 30 minutes and counting. So are we good here? When I stare at the one-eyed monster, it happens quicker. Go! So, what are you up for? Grab a bite, maybe catch a movie? Whatever you wanna do. I'm just easy-peasy Japanesey. Okey-dokey. Gumby, Pokey. Seriously, though, a nice dinner and a late movie or a quick snack and an early one? Mike, it's up to you. I just wanna enjoy our time together with no expectations. Great. - Whatever happens, happens, heh. - Alrighty. Why don't we narrow down what food we want, take it from there? Sounds like a plan. - Okay. What are you hungry for? - Well, I had a turkey burger for lunch so whatever you want is fine with me. I'd even eat another turkey burger. - Really? - If I had to. - How about Italian? - Sure. - Or we could do Chinese. - Ooh, sounds good. - Maybe just grab a hot dog at the movie. - I'm fine with that too. So where are we headed? I don't know. I can't answer that question. I mean, I love you. I know that much. I'm trying to figure out where you want dinner. Aw, crap. Everything was so good. Somebody mentions marriage, now we can't even hang out. Told you, man. That tennis shoe ain't never gonna smell the same. Not that I don't wanna marry Molly. I just wanted to have my life more together before I ask her. Tell me this ain't about weight. Because you've been losing and gaining the same 14 pounds since I met you. It's not that. I've made peace with the fact that I'm a little stocky. - Stocky? - Let it go. Just wanted to have a little more money in the bank, be farther along in my career. I imagined getting married in my dress blues with sergeant stripes on my sleeve. Oh, that's nice. I always pictured white tuxedo with black piping but dress blues is a great idea. Right? With the gloves and the hats under our arms. Yeah, that's a sharp look. Plus the dark blue will make you look a tad less stocky. All right, boys, I'm heading out. It's my bridge night. Who you trying to fool? Tonight's poker night. Yeah, but I have to cross a bridge to get there. How come you're not with Molly this evening? Oh, we're just kind of taking a night off from each other. The topic of marriage came up. Oh, I'm sorry, baby. Did she turn you down? - No. - Don't tell me you turned her down because that would make him the smart one and I don't wanna live in a world where that's true. Nothing wrong with a man taking his time and not acting impulsively. Oh, please. The only reason you didn't marry that mail-order Russian bride is because you maxed out your credit card having phone sex. That was not phone sex. That was a singles chat room. Mm-hm. Was everybody else in the chat room sitting in their grandma's hall closet with their hand down their pants? - Ever heard of knocking? - Ever heard of knocking it off? And why you dragging your feet? You know you love that girl. I do. I just wanna know I can take care of her, be the kind of guy she deserves. Don't waste too much time trying to be a better man. You ain't never gonna be one without a good woman. And what are the chances of lightning hitting this big barn again? Well, I can honestly say, I am not done with my bachelorhood. Yeah, Carl McMillan has a lot of living and loving left to do. Then you need to get out of my closet and go find a woman. Shoot, I have to cover my eyes to even reach in and grab an umbrella. I mean, I know Mike loves me. And I love him. And when the topic of marriage came up, I could have just let it go. Now you know for next time. No, it's already out there. It's in his head. Marriage. I even said I wanna have kids some day. Guys never wanna hear that. Especially when they're already married and have kids. I should have just left well enough alone. But I had to push it. I always have to take charge and guys hate that. Unless you wear a bustier and hold a riding crop. Then they practically beg for it. - How does that help me? - I'm just saying, guys are weird. The important thing is that Mike and I are happy and that should be enough. - Absolutely. But it's not. Now I want it all and I wanna know that I'm getting it all. He wants the same thing. He'll come around to it eventually. He doesn't know what he wants. He couldn't make a decision between a restaurant and a movie. We shared a Lean Cuisine while watching Ice Trucker reruns. - It's up to you to tell him what he wants. - No, I can't do that. That makes me a pushy broad. He's gotta come to it on his own. - You said he can't come to it on his own. - No, he's useless. But you still wanna marry him? Of course. I love him. Okay, if we're going to keep talking I need to be way higher than I am right now. Continue. What do you mean, you can't help me find my dog? You're the Fire Department Not a priority? But greasing your big, muscly chests and posing for calendars is? What the hell happened? I let Dennis take Jim for a walk and he lost him. I'm sure he's fine. He's probably sleeping under the Gundersons' shed. No, he ran away to make a point. Mom, come on. This was his house and I brought another man into it. Now he's punishing me. I highly doubt that it's personal. Everything's personal with Jim. I think the world of him. But he knows what my buttons are and he knows how to push them. Well, the prodigal dog has returned. Jim. Oh! Ew. Jim, he rolled in some unidentified fecal matter. And what is not matted in his fur I believe is lodged between his teeth. - Thanks for finding him. - What are you thanking him for? He's the reason he got lost in the first place. Mom, take it easy. Everything's fine now. I understand your anger. It was foolish of me to take him off leash at the park so that he and I might cavort freely. Foolish? It was idiotic. You almost lost the most precious thing in the world to me. - Second most precious. - Uh-huh. Come on, Jim. Let's get the possum scat out of your fur. Possum? Your mother sure does know her animal dung. As soon as she cools off, I'm sure everything will be fine. I hope so. Your mother and I have had our romance on slow simmer for seven years now and I'd hate to see it bubble over just because Jim chased a squirrel into a poop pipe. Seven years? Your mother's a sensitive and delicate flower handily disguised by a hateful and abusive demeanor. Well, I do know she was pretty broken up when my dad left and I'm guessing she just doesn't wanna be hurt again. Interesting. Does your unwillingness to commit to your girlfriend make you a chip off the old block? Not that I'm calling your mother an old block. She's more stocky. I don't know. I hadn't really thought about it. Love is a frightening thing, isn't it, Mikey? Yes, it is. Almost as bad as being buried up to your neck and trying to keep rats from chewing off your eyelids. - Wow, did that really happen to you? - Sure did. I guess high school was tough for everybody. We have to do this right now? - Need to clear the air with Molly let her know why I'm dragging my feet. I owe her that much. - Miss Flynn? - Mike, what are you doing here? Sorry, I need to have a word with your teacher. - Can't this wait? - I need to tell you something. All right, quiet study time. Books open, mouths closed. - What's up? - I love you, Molly. Ha-ha-ha. - Quiet! - I love you too. Now get out of here. I'm not done. I also want you to know that I'm really happy with what we've got. Absolutely. And there's no reason to rush into anything until we're both sure we're ready. It would appear I'm ready. Shut up! Shut up! Really? Molly Flynn, will you marry me? Are you sure this is really what you want? I'd get down on my knees, but I'm not sure I could get back up. Seriously, I don't want you to feel pressured into anything. I don't. In fact, I haven't felt this sure about anything in a long time. - Is that a "yes"? - Yeah. Yes. People, please, pipe down. Having a precious moment. When did you get this ring? About two weeks after I met you. Look at me. I'm gonna be a best man. If someone would've told me a year ago Seven months. - Seven months ago, that I'd be standing up here next to this incredible woman an engaged man and 8 pounds lighter, I never would have believed them. I mean, 4 pounds, maybe, but Anyway, we just wanna thank you for coming and sharing this moment with us. Hear, hear. So when's the wedding? What's the matter with you? You got shrapnel in your noggin? I'm thinking next spring, sunset, Lincoln Park, when the azaleas are in bloom. But with an indoor option in case of inclement weather. Or rain. Hey, me and Red are gonna tie the knot near an active volcano on the island of Kauai. Maybe they'd throw us a twofer. Oh, a double wedding with my daughter. I've always dreamed of that. Really? That's a very peculiar dream. You gotta keep your piehole shut. - I know. I'd like I'm sorry, Margaret. - I love you, Mike. - I love you, Molly.