D.J. Tanner's Day Off

[D.J. and Kimmy are talking about Stacey Q when Stephanie enters the room.]

Stephanie: Hi. What are you doing? What are you talking about? Can I play? [waves in Kimmy's face] Hello? [waves in D.J.'s face] Hello?

D.J.: Steph, let me explain this one more time. [using her arm] Your world is down here [lowering her arm to Steph's height]. Our world is up here [raising her arm to her and Kimmy's height].

Stephanie: [grabbing a chair from their little table and standing on it so to appear she's now in their world] Okay, now can I play?

D.J.: Kimmy gets to go. Why can't I?

Danny: Because you're not Kimmy. I don't know why Kimmy's missing school... but there's a lot of things about Kimmy I don't understand.

D.J.: If I don't get this autograph, I'll die.

Danny: D.J., no one has ever died from lack of autograph.

[At the mall...]

Joey: D.J.? What are you doing here?

D.J.: Getting busted. ... What are you doing here?

Joey: I was so impressed with your honesty that I came down here to get you an autograph. D.J., this is not cool. I trusted you. [He snatches the autograph out of her hand as he says...] Give me that autograph. [He puts Michelle's leash on her jacket.] Come on, let's go. We're going home.

D.J.: This is so humiliating.

[Jesse has just come home from his exterminator gig.]

Jesse: Joey, what's the emergency?

Joey: D.J. cut school to get Stacey Q's autograph.

Jesse: I left work early for that? Joseph, do you realize I was this close to finally figuring out where that line of ants actually begins? [to Michelle] How you doing, kid?

Joey: She did more than cut school, Jess. She completely faked me out.

Jesse: You? No. [He laughs.]

Joey: Jesse, this plan was diabolical. She faked the flu. I called in sick for her. Then boom, she's better, and she takes off, just like that. The conniving little sneak.

Jesse: Oh, Joey, she's not a conniving little sneak. I gave her that plan.

Joey: You what?

Jesse: Well, she was interviewing me for her essay on the person she admires most. [Joey laughs.] There's no essay. [bangs the table] That conniving little sneak!

Joey: Danny's gone. We're in charge. Now, what are we gonna do?

Jesse: All right, let's think about this. See, when I was a kid and I got in trouble, my dad showed me no mercy. In fact, he took so many privileges away, that to this day, when I go visit my parents...I gotta go straight to my room. No TV, no dinner.

Joey: Well, whenever I was bad, my dad would sit me down... talk about right and wrong, and good and bad for hours and hours, on and on... until finally I just beat the hell out of myself.

Jesse: The worst part, though, the worst part, was when my dad gave me the 'dad face'. You know, it was... It was like this: [He folds his arms angrily.]

Joey: The 'dad face'. That's good. Let me try it. [He does, but his lip sticks out, leading Jesse to tell him...]

Jesse: No, no, Joey. That's the 'I-just-ate-bad-chili' face.

[In her bedroom, the guys consider their punishment for D.J. as they give her their 'dad faces'.]

D.J.: You don't have to do that. I feel bad enough. I really blew it. I'm really sorry and I'll never do anything like this again.

Jesse: Regardless, Joseph and I must deal with your misconduct, young lady. Misconduct? Young lady? I really am turning into my father. [to Joey] If I start wearing a white belt and shoes to match, throw me down the stairs.

Joey: I'd be honored. D.J. we're going to have to punish you. No TV for two weeks.

Jesse: You call that a punishment?! No TV and no music for two weeks!

Joey: Oh yeah?! I say no TV and no music for two weeks and I raise you: no friends over for a month!

Jesse: I call! No TV, no music, and no friends over for a month! Are we agreed, young lady?

D.J.: Sure. I deserve to be punished. Dad trusted me and I let him down. I hate myself.

Jesse: Excuse us. [He and Joey step aside.] Joey, I think this kid is sorry. I think when Danny comes back from L.A., maybe we shouldn't tell him about this.

Joey: Don't you think he has a right to know exactly what happens?!

Jesse: Yes. But I don't want him thinking we can't take care of the girls.

Joey: You're absolutely right I forgot about that. He may never want to leave the house again. [They go over to D.J.] D.J., we're not going to tell your Dad what happened.

D.J.: Well, all right. [Excitedly, she goes and hugs them.] Oh thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Stephanie: D.J., since you missed school today... your teacher asked me to give you your homework. [And hearing those words, Danny does his 'dad face' and her homework slowly gets passed down in a chain reaction: Stephanie passes it down to Jesse, Jesse passes it down to Joey, and Joey passes it down to D.J.] D.J.: [sarcastically] Thank you so much. Stephanie: You're welcome. Joey: [referring to Danny's 'dad face'] Now, see, that's a good 'dad face' right there.

[After Danny sends D.J. upstairs, the guys think that they're off the hook.]

Jesse: You know, Joey, I'm starting to feel hungry.

Joey: Me too.

[They head for the kitchen, but Danny stops them dead in their tracks.]

Danny: Guys, come back. [They do.]

Jesse: I'm not that hungry.

Joey: No, me neither.

Danny: [wagging his finger at them] I wanna know everything that goes on in my daughters' lives! Look, I don't expect you to be perfect parents, but I do expect you to be honest! I don't know why-- I don't know why-- I don't know why I'm wagging my finger at you like this! [calmly, as he finally stops wagging] Look, I don't wanna lecture you guys. I'd be lost here without you. But did you have to lie to me?

Joey: We just didn't want you to think that we couldn't handle things while you were gone.

Jesse: Yeah. See, we wanted you to know you could go away and everything would be cool with your kids.

Joey: And if there's ever a problem, we should get it right out in the open.

Jesse: That's right. We should work things out together as a family. In fact, Joey, say you're sorry and mean it.

Joey: I'm sorry. Now you say it.

Jesse: OK. I'm sorry. OK?

Joey: OK.

Jesse: Thanks for the talk.

Joey: Yeah. [Danny smiles as his way of saying "You're welcome"]

[In D.J. and Stephanie's room...]

D.J.: Steph, what are you doing?

Stephanie: I'm making a 'get sick' card.

D.J.: I said I was sorry.

[Danny enters, ready to lecture his oldest daughter. However, he thinks his middle daughter deserves one as well.]

Stephanie: Uh-oh. Lecture time. See you.

Danny: Steph, I think you should stay.

Stephanie: Why do I get a lecture? I didn't do anything.

Danny: But you will, so take accurate notes. D.J., come over here. Why did you do what you did today?

D.J.: Because I wanted that autograph more than anything.

Danny: Do you know what the worst part is about what you did?

D.J.: That I cut school?

Danny: No.

Stephanie: [fuming mad] That you tricked Stephanie?

Danny: That you were selfish. All you cared about was D.J. You did whatever you had to do to get D.J. what she wanted, even if it meant lying and hurting other people.