I, Roommate


 * [Opening Credits. Caption: As Seen On TV.]
 * [Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry is asleep on the table. The other staff sit around it for a morning meeting. His alarm clock goes off and he reaches over and pushes Bender's antenna down.]

Bender: Hey!
 * [He picks up the alarm clock and bends it on the table so it looks like a melted clock from 's artwork .]

Hermes: Fry, mon, if you're going to be living in the office you could at least be on time for work. Fry: I'm sorry. I was up really late poking through people's desks.
 * [He gets up and climbs off the table.]

Hermes: Alright, people. I will now outline today's 12-point agenda. We'll begin with point one, then race forward--
 * [He is interrupted by a clattering sound.]
 * [Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Fry pours Bachelor Chow into a bowl and covers it in water.]
 * [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry sits down, still in his underwear.]

Hermes: Concerning our pest problem: Somebody's been leaving food around and it's attracting owls. And I, for one, am getting tired of cleaning those owl traps. [A trap snaps and an owl hoots.] Now... ''[He flicks a button and a graph appears on the big screen. It is a straight line that inclines ever so slightly at the end.]'' As this shocking graph indicates, our water consumption has tripled in the last month. I notice Fry has been here for a month, so I'm appointing him head of a committee to find who's responsible. Fry? ''[Fry doesn't answer. He is taking a shower in the Emergency Chemical Burn Shower.]'' Am I cracking up, or is Fry's living here starting to get in the way of bus--
 * [He is interrupted again by the sound of the ship's engines, which Fry is using to dry his hair. Leela hits the emergency shutdown button.]

Leela: What the hell are you doing? You're getting a huge dose of radiation! Fry: [pointing to his hair] And great lift! Leela: Do you know how long it's going to take me to recalibrate these engines? Fry: Hey! When you look this good, you don't have to know anything.
 * [Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's laboratory. Farnsworth opens drawers, looking for something. Enter Leela, Bender, Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg.]

Leela: Professor, We need to talk to you about Fry. Bender: That's right, we want some money&mdash; Wait. What's this about Fry? Leela: He's a nice guy but we think it's about time he got his own place. Farnsworth: Oh, fuff! He's not causing any trouble. Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy. I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy. ''[He picks a small box and opens it. It is empty.]'' This sarcophagus should contain the remains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled Zuban 5 over 29 million years ago.
 * [Fry walks past the lab eating the mummy.]

Fry: Hey, Professor, great jerky! Farnsworth: My God, this is an outrage! I was going to eat that mummy! Fry has got to go!
 * [Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry is slumped back on the couch watching TV.]

Announcer: [voice-over; on TV] Bachelor Chow, now with flavour!
 * [Fry changes the channel to Monster Truck wrestling.]

Commentator: [voice-over; on TV] And Bigfoot is down! Fry: Sheesh! 40,000 channels and only 150 have anything good on.
 * [He switches the channel over again. There is a sponsorship advert on the screen.]

Announcer: [voice-over; on TV] All My Circuits is brought to you by Robo Fresh: Designed by a robot, for a robot.
 * [The picture changes to two robots, Calculon and Monique, sitting on a bench.]

Calculon: [on TV] I've been processing this for some time, Monique, and, well, will you marry me? Monique: [on TV] Oh, Calculon! ''[They kiss. Calculon takes out a ring box, opens it, takes out a nut and screws it onto Monique's finger.]'' It fits! Then you must know that I'm-- Calculon: [on TV] Metric? I've always known. But for you, my darling, I'm willing to convert.
 * [They kiss again. Another robot watches them from the bushes.]

Fry: Hmm, must be a friend of theirs.
 * [Enter Leela and Bender.]

Bender: Fry, we've got to discuss your living arrangements. Leela: We've all talked it over and-- Bender: Hey, All My Circuits! Move over.
 * [Fry clears a space on the couch and Bender sits down and they both put their feet up.]

Leela: Fry, sometimes in close quarters, people do inconsiderate things without realising it. Fry: I know but I forgive you. Leela: No, Fry, by "close quarters" I mean this office-- Fry: Uh-huh. Leela: And by "people" I mean you! Fry: Right. Leela: And by "inconsiderate" I mean-- Fry: Leela! We're trying to watch TV. Bender: Yeah. Would you kindly shut your noise hole?
 * [She sighs and walks out.]

Fry: So, who's that weird-looking guy? Bender: That's a human. Fry: What's he do? Bender: Eh, the usual human stuff. He laughs, he learns, he loves. Fry: Boring!
 * [On the TV, a door opens and Calculon walks in.]

Human Friend: [on TV] Calculon? I thought you were in a coma. Calculon: [on TV] That's what I wanted you to think with your soft, human brain.
 * [From Fry's point of view, the corner of the room gets further away.]

Fry: Hey, uh, why is the TV getting smaller?
 * [Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg, Farnsworth and Leela are pushing the couch out of the room with Fry and Bender still on it.]
 * [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. They toss Fry, Bender and the couch outside the front door and go back inside.]

Hermes: We'll bill you for the couch.
 * [Scene: Food-O-Mat. A small café where customers sit at tables and select their food from a conveyor belt as it passes them.]

Bender: Cheer up, meatbag. You've barely touched your amoeba. Fry: It looked good but I just don't feel like eating. You want it? Bender: Nah, I'm trying to watch my input. I need plenty of wholesome, nutritious alcohol. [He drinks a glass.] The chemical energy keeps my fuel cells charged.
 * [He lights a cigar.]

Fry: What are the cigars for? Bender: They make me look cool.
 * [Fry sighs.]

Fry: I can't believe they threw me out like that. I must have been really acting like a jerk. Bender: Yeah, but everybody's a jerk. You, me, this jerk. [He points over his shoulder at a man.] That's my philosophy. So, where you gonna stay? Fry: I don't know. Do refrigerators still come in cardboard boxes? Bender: Yeah, but the rents are outrageous. Why don't you just come move in with me? Fry: Really? That'd be great! You sure I won't be imposing? Bender: Nah, I've always wanted a pet.
 * [Scene: Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. The building is a dark, run down place. The corridor is lined with blue doors with not much space between them and the apartment numbers are in binary.]

Bender: Here we are. Your new home. Fry: Cool! Y'know, I've never even seen a robot's apartment before. Bender: Come on in, I'll give you the tour!
 * [Cut to: Bender's Apartment. He unlocks the door, walks in, and turns on the light. Fry follows. He is not impressed. It's a very tight squeeze.]

Bender: Let's see, where to start. OK, this is the TV area, that over there's the breakfast nook, and over here is where you'll be living which is great because, until now, it's just been wasted space. Fry: It's kinda cramped in here. I don't even have room to hang my clothes. Bender: Look, pal, you've only got one set of clothes and you're not taking them off while I'm here. Well, I'm bushed. G'night.
 * [He turns the light off and goes to sleep.]

Fry: Wait, Bender. Bender? Bender: [sleep-talking] Kill all humans ... kill all humans ... must kill all the humans. Fry: Bender, wake up!
 * [He wakes up and yawns.]

Bender: I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it. Fry: Uh, listen, Bender. Uh, where's your bathroom? Bender: Bath what? Fry: Bathroom. Bender: What room? Fry: Bathroom! Bender: What what? Fry: Ah, never mind!
 * [He sits down and tries to curl up on the floor.]

Bender: [sleep-talking] Hey, sexy mama, wanna kill all the humans?
 * [Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. Leela and Amy work on the ships port wing. Bender walks past, whistling.]

Leela: We sure are cheerful this morning. Bender: Yeah, this past week with Fry's been a blast! Y'know, beneath this warm, sunny exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.
 * [Bender walks off, whistling. Fry comes in with a twisted neck.]

Leela: What happened to you? Fry: Oh, it's Bender's apartment. He put in carpeting yesterday so now my head hits the ceiling. Hey, do you realise you're standing at a weird angle? [Leela twists his neck back properly.] Now you're OK. Leela: Look at yourself. You're a wreck! You've got to find a new place to live. Fry: [sexily] Is that an invitation? Leela: Love your optimism, Fry. But seriously, you've got to tell Bender you're moving out. Fry: Yeah, but he might get kind of upset. I don't think I can do that to him.
 * [Bender comes back.]

Bender: Hey, there's my little space heater.
 * [Fry fakes a laugh. Bender laughs for real. Fry fakes another laugh and then sighs.]

Fry: Well, I'm moving out!
 * [Bender laughs then catches on.]

Bender: What? Fry: I'm sorry, Bender, but there's just not enough room. Bender: Not enough room? My place is two cubic metres and we only take up 1.5 cubic metres. We've got room for a-whole-nother two-thirds of a person. Leela: What if I just helped the two of you find a bigger apartment? Bender: I don't know. I've got a lot of great memories in my old place. [He presses some buttons in his chest cabinet.] And now they're gone.
 * [Scene: Underwater apartment.]

Underwater house salesman: Sure, it ain't one of them la-de-da above-ground places. But if you like dank, hey, forget about it! Leela: At least it's got a great view.
 * [A swims up to the window. Fry, Bender and Leela scream.]

Bender: What the--?
 * [The squid's tentacles come through the floor and walls. The landlord takes a knife out of his boot.]

Underwater House Salesman: Excuse me. I gotta go change a lightbulb.
 * [He takes out a knife, puts it between his teeth and walks out.]
 * [Scene: Unique architecture apartment.]

Leela: Wow! Now this is fantastic!
 * [The apartment is built in the style of .]

Fry: Hmm. I'm not sure we want to pay for a dimension we're not going to use.
 * [Bender suddenly falls down the stairs, up the stairs, across the stairs...]
 * [Scene: Suspiciously fantastic apartment.]

Fry: Well, I give up. What's the catch? Suspiciously fantastic apartment salesman: Oh, no catch. Although we 'are'' technically in New Jersey.
 * [Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Bender and Leela sit around the table.]

Fry: Not one place even remotely liveable.
 * [Farnsworth walks past talking on the phone.]

Farnsworth: Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? To shreds, you say. Very well then. [He hangs up.] Sad, sad, terrible, gruesome news about my colleague, Dr. Mbutu. Leela: Was his apartment rent-controlled?
 * [Scene: Apartment. It's a really big apartment with a view and an upper floor. The landlady is an old woman named Hattie. She is short, wears a pink dressing gown and has a lazy eye. She shows the new tenants around.]

Leela: Wow. This is beautiful. Bender: What's with all the crap? Leela: It's not crap. Hattie: Dr. Mbutu collected this crap while he was exploring the watcha-call-it ... universe! Fry: Well, this place has everything except the only thing I care about: A TV. Hattie: It's got a TV, you young watcha-call-it ... idiot!
 * [She pulls a rope and a tapestry goes up, revealing a very big TV.]

Fry: Ooh! Bender: Whoa, slow down! This place just doesn't feel like home. It just isn't ... cosy. [Fry opens a closet and Bender walks inside.] Ah. I can barely move! [He closes the door.] (from inside) It's perfect!
 * [Montage: Fry and Bender clear out the crap from the apartment to the theme of . Fry sweeps a load of junk off a shelf into a bag then replaces a Slurm poster with a poster of a woman in a bikini and Bender hangs up a poster of a topless robot next to it. Fry and Bender both smoke a cigar. Fry puts an old chair in a bag, Bender stamps it down and Fry uses it as a beanbag. Bender puts a signed (and obviously stolen) photo of Calculon on a shelf. Bender and Fry look around, satisfied.]

Fry: Man, it's a total sty! For the first time in a thousand years, I feel like I'm home. Bender: Yeah! It's gonna be fun on the bun! Y'know, Fry, of all the friends I've had, you're the first.
 * [Time Lapse. Later that night the Planet Express staff arrive at the apartment. The doorbell rings, Fry answers it.]

Hermes: Hey, mon!
 * [Zoidberg walks in and burbles something.]

Leela: Happy housewarming, Fry! [Fry stares blankly at Leela's gift.] It's a miniature fruit salad tree. Fry: Ooh! ''[He takes off a miniature banana, peels it, eats it and tosses the skin on the floor. Amy slips over it and screams.]'' Hey, Amy! Amy: Hey! Farnsworth: This is for you, Fry [He hands Fry a small, gift-wrapped mummy.] Zevulon the Great. He's teriyaki style.
 * [Time Lapse. Bender lies on the beanbag drinks a can of beer. He tosses the empty can on a pile of other cans.]

Bender: Wow! Heavy-drinking crowd! [He belches fire.] I'd better go out for more beer. Fry: Hey, hang on, All My Circuits is about to start! Bender: I know, but I need alcohol to power up my batteries. If Calculon's wedding doesn't go just right I'll be emotionally and electrically drained.
 * [He leaves. Fry turns on the TV but all that's on is static. He nudges the screen and comes on. He thumbs-ups.]

Fry: Hey!
 * [Zoidberg passes around crab claws on a plate.]

Hermes: These are mighty tasty! Zoidberg: Thank you. I made them myself.
 * [Hermes gags and spits the claws out.]

Fry: Sh! The wedding's about to start! Preacherbot: [on TV] If anyone here objects to this union, let them speak now or forever hold their&mdash;
 * [He is interrupted by some beeping. The same robot from the bushes stands up.]

Fry: Is he objecting or backing up? Amy: Looks like both. Calculon: [on TV] I'm afraid my half-brother is correct. You see, I have a terrible secret and that secret is--
 * [The picture cuts to static. Everyone groans.]

Amy: Oh, this isn't right. Hermes: Oh, come on! Farnsworth: Fix it!
 * [Fry bangs his fist against the screen and Bender comes back in with beer.]

Bender: Hey, what happened to the TV? Fry: It just went out. Bender: This is an outrage! I'm gonna go yell at the manager!
 * [He storms out and the TV comes back on. Everyone cheers.]

Hermes: Alright! Fry: [shouting] Come back, Bender! It's working! Calculon: [on TV] To reiterate, my terrible secret is--
 * [Bender comes back in and the TV cuts out again. Everyone groans.]

Fry: It's out again. Bender: What? That's the last straw! Fry: It's back on!
 * [Bender comes back in with Hattie and the TV goes out once again. Everyone groans.]

Hattie: Pardon me. I don't mean to pry into what you're doing in here with the crab and the one-eyed lady and the Chinese girl but everyone on this floor is having trouble with their TV reception. Bender: Yeah! And you'd better get rid of whatever's causing it or we're outta this dump! Hattie: Relax, sonny. This kajigger'll find the source of the interference.
 * [She points a scanner around the apartment and it beeps slowly. She points it at Bender's antenna and it beeps faster. The other tenants come in and Hattie points the thing at Bender's antenna again.]

Tenant #1: What's going on? Tenant #2: We want our TV back! Hattie: There's your problem. Amy: Oh, my God! Bender, it's your thingy! Randy: Then get rid of it! Tenant #1: Get out! Bender: You people are nuts. My antenna never interfered with my old TV. Leela: You had cable. This is satellite. Farnsworth: Obviously your thoughts are being transmitted on the same frequency. Huge-assed woman: They're on my cell phone too. Bender: Madam, I believe you're mistaken!
 * [She turns her phone on.]

Bender: [thinking; on phone] Wow, that lady's got a huge ass! Bender: Those could be anyone's thoughts, fat ass! Randy: The robot has to go! Tenant #1: Yeah. Tenant #3: Get him out of here! Hattie: Well, you heard the mob! Bender: Fine! Come on, Fry, let's move to that apartment that smelled like a sewer. You liked that one, right? Fry: It's tempting, but, well, I am already kinda settled in here. Bender: Or we could live underground with the mutants. A little fire'll show 'em who's boss! Fry: Uh, listen, is there maybe some way we could do this with you going and me not going? Bender: I don't understand. Fry: Well, you were gonna live in the closet anyway. Won't you be just as happy back in your old place? Bender: But, then we wouldn't be roommates. Fry: I'll come visit sometime. And you can visit me here. Hattie: No he can't. Fry: Anyway, I'm sure it'll work out. This way we'll both be happy. Bender: [downbeat] Happy. Yeah, that's Bender. Always happy.
 * [Bender walks out of the room and down the corridor.]

Randy: Hey, the TV's back on! Preacherbot: [on TV] We are gathered here to mourn the death of Calculon; industrialist, private eye, friend. Calculon: [on TV] Mind if I give the eulogy?
 * [Monique gasps.]

Monique: [on TV] Calculon! You're alive!
 * [Everyone cheers on the TV and in the apartment.]

Randy: Calculon's back!
 * [Time Lapse. Everyone is beginning to leave.]

Farnsworth: Right, so long. Zoidberg: Goodbye. Amy: [crying] Do you think Calculon's evil twin will ever walk again? Hermes: I don't know, Amy. I just don't know.
 * [Amy slips over again.]

Fry: Hey, thanks for coming.
 * [He closes the door but Leela puts her elbow in it and forces it back open.]

Leela: Fry, you're Bender's best friend. How could you let that mob kick him out? Fry: Ah, come on. Bender loves mobs. Leela: Only when he's in them and you know it. You really hurt his feelings. Fry: Don't girl me with that girl stuff. Bender and me are guys. Guys don't have feelings. Leela: Bender's not a guy, he's a robot. Fry: Same thing.
 * [Scene: Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Bender opens his apartment door and looks in.]

Bender: It's so big and empty.
 * [He goes in and closes the door.]
 * [Cut to: Bender's Apartment.]

Bender: My roommate's gone. And all he left behind was an eyelash and three skin flakes. [He takes out a beer from his chest cabinet.] Oh, what's the point?
 * [He throws the bottle down and it smashes.]
 * [Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. Leela is fixing the ship with laser fuel. She sees Bender walk into the conference room. He has orange rust around his mouth and his door is flapping open.]

Leela: Bender? [He turns around and she gasps.] My God, you're a mess!
 * [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender groans and falls onto the couch. Leela follows him in.]

Bender: Leave me alone! Leela: Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking, haven't you? Bender: Hey. What I don't do is none of your business. Leela: Please, Bender. Have some malt liquor. If not for yourself then for the people who love you. Bender: I hate the people who love me and they hate me. Leela: Oh, now look. It's obvious you miss being Fry's roommate. But there's got to be a better way to deal with this. Bender: Like how? Having my antenna removed? Leela: Well, if that would work. Bender: Are you crazy? That's Little Bender you're talking about. I can't cut it off. You're not a robot or a man so you wouldn't understand. I gotta get out of here. Leela: Wait! I want you to look me in the eye and promise you won't get behind the wheel without some kind of alcoholic beverage in your hand. Bender: I promise nothing!
 * [He runs out.]
 * [Scene: Bender walks down a street à la  and he finally ends up in an alleyway lying on his back, leaking oil from under his arm. He sees his reflection in the pool of oil and hits it.]
 * [Scene: Apartment. Fry opens the door. Leela is there.]

Fry: What up? Leela: I can't just stand by and be silent about Bender anymore. Fry: Silent? You've been meddling for two solid weeks. Leela: Well I can't just do that anymore. Your best friend is out there somewhere destroying himself. Fry: Really? I didn't think he'd miss this apartment that much. Leela: He doesn't care about the apartment, he cares about you. And you turned your back on him. Fry: Oh, man. I had no idea. If only I knew where he was I'd go talk to him.
 * [The TV cuts out.]

Fry: Oh, stupid TV! [Enter Bender.] Bender! You're blind-stinking sober! Bender: That's right! I'm sober and crazy and I don't know what I might do! Fry: Don't do it! Bender: I don't know what it is yet. Oh, yeah, now I remember. I thought I could live alone, but I can't. So, I'm gonna do what it takes to be your roommate again.
 * [He takes a pair of clippers out of his chest cabinet.]

Leela: Bender! Stop! Fry: Cutting Leela's head off won't solve anything! Bender: No, I'm going to chop off my antenna. Fry: Hey, yeah! That sounds good. Can I give you a hand? Leela: Fry! Don't help him mutilate himself. Fry: But it's a useless antenna. It's not like he's a or something. Bender: I'm gonna do it! I'm really gonna do it! Don't try and stop me! Here goes.
 * [Fry smiles. He sighs, cuts it off and throws it out the window. The TV comes back on. Calculon is with Human Friend who is in a hospital bed.]

Fry: Hey, it works! The static's gone. Human Friend: [on TV] I hate that this came between us, Calculon. Calculon: [on TV] Me too. I'm filled with a large number of powerful emotions. Human Friend: [on TV] You're my best friend. I'm sorry I treated you so badly. Calculon: [on TV] Apology accepted. After all, you're only human.
 * [They hug.]

Leela: You guys could learn a lesson from those two. Fry: She's right. Bender: You're my best friend, Fry, I'm sorry I treated you so badly. Fry: Apology accepted. After all, you're only human.
 * [They hug.]

Leela: Wait a minute! You did it all backwards. [Fry and Bender stare blankly.] Fry's the one who should be-- [Fry and Bender keep staring.] Oh, never mind!
 * [Fry and Bender laugh. Bender looks in the mirror and sighs.]

Fry: What's wrong? Bender: Nothing. I guess I'm just going to have to get used to being half a robot. Fry: Aw, this isn't right. Listen, Bender, if we found your antenna could they still reattach it? Bender: Maybe. If we get it on ice right away.
 * [Scene: Outside Apartment Building. Fry, Bender, Smitty and URL search for the antenna.]

Smitty: Bingo!
 * [He holds up the antenna.]

URL: You call that an antenna?
 * [Scene: Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Fry holds his miniature fruit salad tree.]

Bender: This time, you'll have all the human comfort. We'll get a couple of toilets, some food cookers, maybe a puppy.
 * [Cut to: Fry's and Bender's Apartment.]

Fry: It's good to be home. Bender: It sure is. By the way, I saved your stuff. Fry: So that's where those skin flakes went. Hmm, do you think this fruit tree's going to get enough light? Bender: There's a window in the closet.
 * [He pushes a button and a door swings open to reveal a large living space. Fry walks into it.]

Fry: This is huge! Bender, why don't I just live in here? Bender: In a closet? Oh, humans!
 * [Closing Credits.]