Smoke on the Daughter

Bart, it's me! I'm Lord Evilton from the Angelica Button books. The last book in the series goes on sale at midnight and we're going to go stand in line. Wait in line for a book?! You tell 'em Bart says hey. Come on, boy. All the nerds are doing it. I'm not a nerd. I'm a jock who's too cool for sports. It's the final book! I wonder what happens? Maybe the Sandrux is the Narcolops. I read a rumor Spider-man's in it. Shut up! Shut up! This is a spoiler-free zone. Nice Angelica Button costume, Lisa. Although... the gryphon on your coat of arms is facing left not right. And FYI, Angelica wears two tortoise shell barrs. Nice try, though. I based my costume on the books, not the movies. Okay, I'm going to hand out colored bracelets. The color on your bracelet will determine... Move or die! It's for my kid! Eureka! Now read it to me! "The Dark Lord has summoned you" said the withered troll. Do the character voices! "And bring your cloak. The torture room can be frightfully chilly." Angelica's first kiss, da-da-da. Subplot about her cat, who cares? Professor Skizzletwitch is a Were-bear, and, uh, no, no, he's not. Maluicious Krubb is actually Kraluicious Mubb. All is lost, Angelica uses the spell she learned in chapter six. Magic, magic, magic, all is won. Well, that's our book for the year. I think we've earned some TV. TV! TV! TV! But kids, I want you in bed by 3:00 a.m. Hey, somebody's got to be the bad guy. But I don't understand, how could he have murdered his wife if he was making a phone call 3,000 miles away? Well, maybe he reached out done and killed someone. I saw this. He trained his dog to do it. Up next, which former Friends star is speaking out against adult illiteracy? It's Lisa Kudrow. Stop saying things, Bart. That's the TV's job. And the First Lady has agreed to sit on the egg until it hatches. More after this. See that? That's talent. You think you got it? You don't. 'Cause only I can teach it and I ain't taught you, so you don't. The Chazz Busby Ballet Academy is coming to Springfield. Auditions are Monday. Callbacks are Tuesday. Wednesday, you see I'm a heartless bastard. Thursday you realize you love me, damn it. Friday, we're closed. You're fired. You're her. Jump, dance, love. A ballet academy here in Springfield? Move over, Europe! I didn't know you cared about ballet. Lisa, have I ever shown you my Shattered Dreams Box? No. It's upstairs in my Disappointment Closet. There were so many things I wanted to do in life that I never got a chance to do: doctor, safecracker, stethoscope sales lady. None came to pass. But the thing I really wanted to be, ever since I was little, was a ballerina. So what happened? My bosoms came in and ruined my balance. Really? How? They came in one at a time. Oh... do you think mine...? No. I'm pretty sure you'll have your dad's boobs. Mom, it's not too late to un-shatter your dream. Martha Graham danced well into her 70s. You mean she danced well, into her 70s? Or she danced, well into her 70s? Well, she danced into her 70s. I think you've got a point. Homie, I'm gonna be a dancer! Go-go or boring? Boring! Oh... Okay, ladies, listen up: Forget everything you've ever learned about ballet... good. Now, from Bolshoi Fifth Position, give me a Battement Glisse, a Double Changement, two Swan Lake Fouettés, then finish with a Grand Pas De Chat. Now show me what you got, uh... Simpson, comma, Marge. I haven't seen dancing like that since my Broadway show Dancing Like That. Closed in a week. Too smart for the corndog crowd, too dumb for the bagel bunch. You keep it up, kid. You got something. Son, while your mother and little mother are out, I'm gonna let you in on a deep, dark family secret. You have a drinking problem? I said secret. Have you ever wondered what I do in that locked room? Gay out? Well, wonder no more! Beef jerky! The queen of all the jerkys! That's right. Now, I'll cut and you soak. Dad, marinating with you is cool. Thanks, son. Some of that is cow blood. Look, Lise! I'm as supple as ever! It won't go down. Marge, Marge, Marge... you know what they say, those who cannot do... Teach? No, they go home. How can they teach if they can't do? Get out! Hey you can't talk to my mom like that. Who the hell... taught you to stand like that? This is how I always stand when I tell adults what they should be doing. You have naturally perfect posture. I rarely say this, but, how would you like to become to a paying student at my dance academy? Uh, I don't know, I... We accept! I'm sorry, I got confused. You don't get to be "confused." Not till you've won six Tonys, gone into rehab, married your plastic surgeon, retired, and then un-retired in a special little show called Woman of the Year... you can't, uh... Hey, I forget where I'm going with this. Take a break, people. Eh, eh, eh, en pointe! This is so hard. Get used to it. We balerinas are under constant pressure to stay focused, skinny, graceful and skinny. How do you cope with it? You find out what works you. For some people it might be yoga, for others, meditation. But for every ballerina in the world, it's cigarettes. Cigarettes?! They can kill you. They did a whole episode about it on. The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Zack tried to impress a girl by smoking, but she went for Cody instead. Zack's life wasn't so sweet then. If God didn't want ballerinas to smoke, how come I can do this? No! All I need to stay focused is good old-fashioned fresh air. Nothing like fresh air. Fresh air. Horrible, horrible, horrible... no longer describes your dancing, Lisa. You're good, kid! I've gotten better since this morning. How could that have happened? Maybe it's all the secondhand "focus" and "pep" you are inhaling. They don't call these "dancer sticks" for nothin'. I thought they were cancer sticks. I dan't dear dou! My Hindu friend, this is a chance for your Kwik-E-Mart to get in on the ground floor of a delicious new taste sensation. You talk a good game, but do you have the product to back it up? Step into our Jerkatorium. What the...! Where's our jerky? You have wasted my time! You have made a very powerless enemy. Good day and be well! Wait, wait, wait, wait! You haven't seen our PowerPoint presentation... Bart? "J," just the product you need. "E," excellent value. "R," retailer's dream. "K..." You can skip the "K" and the "Y." I do not thank you and I will not come again.