Jerome Is the New Black

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and s*x on TV. ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

TV announcer: From Time Life Music, comes a one-of-a kind Rat Pack collection, "Their Most Bigoted Songs."

All your favorite, once acceptable hits like "Drunk Old lnjun."

♪ The drunk old lnjun's squattin' in his teepee, ♪ ♪ fire water keepin' him warm. ♪

Announcer: "Jewish Nose."

♪ She's got a big, beautiful Jewish nose, ♪ ♪ and it's there two minutes early wherever she goes. ♪

Announcer: Dean Martin singing "Chinaman's Chance."

♪ And Mr. Chinaman say, in his Chinaman way, ♪ ♪ a ding-a-ling, a ching-a-chong a ching-a-chong choo. ♪

Announcer: "Pew, Stinky Frenchman."

♪ Paris is lovely and Nice sure is nice, ♪ ♪ and Marseilles is charming with champagne on ice, ♪ ♪ but you, stinky Frenchman, haven't a clue. ♪ ♪ Pew, stinky Frenchman, frog you. ♪

Announcer: "Hey There, Fruity."

♪ Hey there, fruity, ♪ ♪ you can do my hair. ♪ ♪ Hey there, fruity, ♪ ♪ don't touch me down there. ♪ ♪ Hey there, fruity, ♪ ♪ you're gay and I don't approve. ♪

Announcer: And many more!

You know, I'm sick of looking at that.

What?

That empty space.

It just reminds me that Cleveland's not here anymore.

Yeah, it's just not the same without him.

I sure wish he...

Hey, guys, look!

It's him!

Hey, Cleveland!

Why didn't you tell us you were back, buddy?

Oh, it's a lamp.

You know, guys, I've been thinkin'.

We need a new fourth guy for our group.

We're a man short.

Like Stadler without Waldorf.

(laughing)

You know, without the other guy yappin' in my ear, these guys aren't half bad.

Now I know you're interested in being the fourth guy in our entourage, Kevin Connolly, but don't you think you're a little small?

Listen, I tell you what.

You can be in our group if I can have some of your cereal.

Oh, no! They're after me Kevin Connolly charms!

How's your friend search going?

(sighs) Not great, Lois.

What friend search?

Oh, we're just trying to find a friend to replace Cleveland.

We've been meeting people for the past three days.

Well, you don't need to look for somebody new.

I'll hang out with you guys.

Yeah, you know, I don't think that's gonna work out, Brian, 'cause of the whole Quagmire thing.

What Quagmire thing?

Oh, you know, just that he hates you.

Quagmire hates me?

Hates you.

I... I don't get it. Why... why wouldn't Quagmire like me?

Because he thinks you're annoying.

Like people who never shut up about their kids.

He... he would have been four today.

I... I still don't understand.

How do you drown in an inch of water?

(sobbing) Well...

I guess I don't have a new sweater and a haircut.

(sighs): Who would've thought it would be this hard to replace Cleveland?

You know, guys, we've kind of been ignoring the obvious here.

I mean, if you really break it down, what we need is a black guy.

Yeah, that was the best thing about Cleveland.

Oh, by far. I sure do miss him.

Peter's right. We gotta find another black guy.

Yeah, 'cause otherwise we're just a bunch of boring white guys.

Like a London gentlemen's club.

(clears throat)

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(clears throat quietly)

(clears throat a bit softer)

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(clears throat softly)

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(clears throat very quietly)

Hey, you guys want to enter the darts tournament?

First prize is free drinks all night.

Oh, we'd love to, Horace, but there's only three of us.

Man: Did I hear some sorry ass fools in need of a motherlovin' fourth?

I'll join your darts game.

How do we know you're any good?

Gentlemen, we got us a black man.

(all laughing)

Oh, boy, what a fantastic evening.

Jerome, you are a wonderful addition to our group.

Hey, thanks, Peter.

I like you guys, too.

What do you say we hit another bar, keep it goin'?

I can't. There's a girl tied up in my basement who needs some food.

That's funny. You funny, pointy man.

Yeah, I... I joke around a lot.

Thanks for the lift home, Jerome.

Hey, if you got time to come in, I'd love for you to meet my wife.

I got time for whatever I want, fool.

My watch don't tell time, I tell it.

Wow, you're cooler than a York Peppermint Pattie.

When I bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, I get the sensation... of being on a frozen mountaintop!

It has been two months since I made the tragic choice to bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, and still I have made no progress finding my way out of the mountains.

The only food I have is the rest of this York Peppermint Pattie, which unfortunately, keeps bringing me back to the top of the mountain.

If anyone finds this, tell my family I love them.

...of being on a frozen mountaintop!

Hey, Lois. I'd like you to meet our new friend...

Jerome?

Loose Lois?

Wha... You guys know each other?

Know each other?

Peter, Jerome is an old boyfriend of mine.

What?! (Stewie yawning)

Sorry, I was out of it. Wait, are we being robbed?

Peter, I know I told you about Jerome.

Lois, I would've remembered if you told me that.

I told you, Peter.

I remember exactly what we were doing.

(both laughing)

I slept with a black guy.

I hope this doesn't make you feel awkward, my man.

It was a long time ago.

Hey, that's a beautiful baby.

Mind if I hold him?

Go right ahead.

Hey there, lil' fella.

What's that around your neck?

Well, I say, it's a little black Jesus.

♪ Black Jesus. ♪

I rode into town on an ass.

Your mama's ass.

♪ Black Jesus. ♪

It was really good to see you, Lois.

We should grab a coffee or something and catch up.

That would be great.

It was really nice to see you, too.

Well, it's gettin' late, Jerome.

I'm sure you got stuff to do.

Yeah, I gotta go down to the gas station and buy a framed painting of a tiger.

Catch y'all later.

You're not really gonna hang out with him, Lois, are ya?

We're just friends, Peter.

Don't tell me you're jealous?

Well, you datin' that guy? It's just a lot to take in.

(laughs): Oh, you're tellin' me.

Oh, come on! Those kinds of jokes aren't helpin'.

Well, what do you want me to say?

You're bein' silly.

I mean, Jerome and I dated over twelve inches ago.

(laughs) I said inches!

What did I just say?!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Okay, look, just relax.

You're my husband and I love you, so just put Jerome out of your head.

Get him out of my life is more like it.

Brian, I just found out Chris Farley died.

Yeah, that happened like twelve years ago.

But I just watched Tommy Boy yesterday.

He was right there.

Yeah, that's a movie.

It's shot beforehand. It's not happening right now.

Really? But I thought my knocking on the TV glass Distracted him, and that's what made him fall down that hill.

(laughing) Oh, oh, seeing him fall down that hill put me in a good humor!

Stewie, get lost.

What are you doing just standing out here?

I'm waiting for Quagmire to get his mail.

I'm gonna conveniently stroll by and strike up a conversation with him, and maybe find out why he hates me.

Oh, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.

You'll smooth it over.

Hey, Quagmire, what a coincidence.

You and me just runnin' into each other.

How, how ya doin'?

Fine.

Oh, takin' a break, huh?

She's a hot piece of ass.

And from the looks of it, she likes it rough.

That's my sister, Brian.

Her boyfriend has been beating her mercilessly.

The last thing she'd want right now is to be objectified.

Oh, God. I'm... I'm really sorry.

I got a deaf brother, you want to make fun of him, too?

(door closes)

(brakes screeching)

Man: Where is she?

Quagmire: She's not here.

Harriet: Get out, Jeff!

Just get out of here!

Oh, I'll get out when I'm finished.

(punch landing, glass shattering)

Harriet: No! Ow!

You feel good about your s*x joke earlier, Brian?

He's savagely beating her again. You hear that?

Yeah, I'm not deaf.

Oh, oh, what, like my brother?

Boy, you have no class!

Jeff: Yeah, that's the guy's brother, man!

Harriet: Yeah!

Jeff: Shut up, bitch!

Hey, you know what they say.

See a broad, to get that booty, yak 'em.

Quagmire & Jerome: Leg her down and smack 'em yak 'em!

(laughs) Cold got to be.

(both laughing)

Golly!

If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna order me some cheap cognac and put it in a fancy glass.

Boy, Jerome is the greatest.

We really lucked out.

I don't know, you guys.

I'm not so sure about Jerome.

I mean, how do we know we can really trust him?

What are you talking about, Peter? Jerome's awesome.

Yeah, why the hell wouldn't we be able to trust him?

All right, you guys want the truth?

Before me and Lois were married, our new friend used to slip her the old Pringles can.

Well, so what, Peter. That was twenty years ago.

That doesn't matter!

Look, Peter, Jerome's the coolest guy we've met since Cleveland left.

Yeah, don't do anything to ruin this, Peter.

You know, the way you ruined my parrot.

I just bought it yesterday.

Isn't it beautiful?

Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple.

Cripple!

Damn it!

That son of a bitch.

Thinks he can sleep with my wife!

Not on my watch.

Alex Keaton (on TV): Listen, I don't care that you're dating Mallory.

Nobody in this family likes you, Nick.

You just stand your ground, garbage sculpture man.

They'll come to respect you.

You b*st*rd.

Nick was no good for her and it broke Skippy Handleman's heart!

Dear God and black Jesus!

Jerome?

What, uh...

What... what the hell are you doing here?

Oh, Peter, something terrible has happened.

Somebody burned down Jerome's house last night.

This whacked-out world.

It just makes you want to grab your nephew and get in a van and shoot people in the D.C. area.

Yeah, well, when I find the guy who did it, I'm gonna rip his arms off and do his wife in front of him.

And no one would blame you.

But, meanwhile, Jerome, you are more than welcome to stay with us.

What?

Oh, well, thank you, Lois.

Man, I'm so lucky to have real friends like you and Peter.

Well, I guess you can stay here.

But I'll tell you one thing...

Oh, hang on a second.

What is that?

I don't know, it's trying to do something.

Oh...

Well, well, I guess we're just gonna have to wait.

So how long is Jerome gonna be staying with us, Dad?

I don't know, Chris, but the sooner he's out of here, the better.

I don't trust him around Lois for a second.

Lois: Oh, God, Jerome, that is so good.

Oh, yeah, it's so hot and moist.

Mmm, these scones are delicious.

You are quite the little baker, Jerome.

Oh, thank God.

What's going on in here?!

Relax, Mr. Furley.

I thought what you thought, but it's okay.

Well, it sounded like...

I know, I know, but it's fine.

Go back to being dead.

Peter, is everything all right?

Yeah. Yeah, Lois. Everything's fine.

You guys, uh, having a little breakfast?

Yes, and Jerome made scones.

Would you like one? Oh, they're delicious.

I thought maybe later today, we could all...

(choking)

Oh, my God! Mom's choking!

Out of the way. I'm an EMT.

Her airway's jammed.

Come on, now. Just like that.

(both grunting)

I need some gravitational help.

Oh, no, her clothes are constricting!

As are mine!

(breathing heavily)

(coughs)

Oh, my God!

Oh! Thank you, Jerome!

You saved my life!

"Um, I'll have what she's having," says the funniest person in the room.

Hey, what are you getting all dressed up for?

I'm treating Quagmire to a night out.

Really? I thought he hated you.

How'd you convince him to go?

I tricked him. Sent him a phony card.

He thinks he's going on a date with an old girlfriend.

But instead, you're going to show up.

You got it.

Yikes.

That's a recipe for disappointment.

Like walking a floral arrangement through an office full of fat women.

Is there a Miss... (excited gasping)

...es. (all sighing)

Brian? Where's Cheryl Tiegs?

Well, she's not coming.

I wrote you that, because I knew you'd never come if it was me.

But I planned a big night and we're gonna have a great time.

Brian, Cheryl was the one that got away.

She was the great love of my life.

I thought this was my chance to finally achieve some real happiness.

Ever since she left, I've been chasing girls to fill the hole she made when she walked out.

And now I'm forever lost.

Well, I bet a thick, juicy steak could help fill that hole, huh?

(sobbing)

Aw, come on, it'll be great.

Listen, Glenn, I... I want us to be friends.

I think we could be an even better team than Lewis and Clark and the guy who likes to rip up maps.

All right, the Northwest Passage.

Hey, can I see that?

Damn it! You ass!

Easy, Clark.

I hate that guy!

It's been a long trip.

You're tired.

No! I hate him!

Look, you're angry, you're dehydrated.

Just have some water from the canteen and you'll feel better.

Okay.

I just totally drowned this ant hill.

Hey, when are we going to get there?

Oh, and this is Peter and I at our wedding.

Aw, you look beautiful.

And he's a handsome fella, ain't he?

Well, I am ready for my evening.

Oh, my God, Peter!

What the hell?!

Peter, what are you doing?

Oh, surely, Jerome, you don't want to stay in the same house as a ghost who carries a torch around.

Ooh, fire ghost!

Ooh! Ya scared yet?

Didn't know this place was haunted, did ya?

Peter, take that thing off!

Hey, what the hell's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.

I have had about enough of you, Jerome.

I know you want my wife, but you can't have her!

You are no longer welcome in my house!

Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Peter? (laughs)

But you can't have s*x with Lois!

Now, I want you out of here right now!

I can't believe this.

I thought I found a true friend in you.

I'd never do anything to hurt you or your family.

Man, you're breaking my heart.

Jerome, wait.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

I'm sorry, Lois.

I think it would be better if I left.

Peter, I'm sorry if I caused you any trouble.

I won't be bothering you again.

Wow, what just happened was kind of sad.

(hums Family Guy theme morosely)

So... whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

(chuckles) Hmm.

God, look at the size of these steak knives.

Wha... what are they serving us? Tyrannosaurus rex?

Not likely.

Hey, what if I just drank this whole bottle of ketchup?

Can you imagine? You dare me?

Kind of ruins it for the next person who might want some ketchup.

So, how's the flying business?

Not so great. The economy's sort of taken its toll, lot of salary cuts, lot of layoffs.

Yeah?

That's pretty much it.

I mean, you want to learn more, read the papers, go on the internet, I... I don't know.

Boy, that's got to be an interesting job.

I'll bet you got... how do those things work?

What? Planes?

How does a plane work?

Yeah.

You want me to sit here and explain to you how a plane works?

I don't know. Yeah.

You want to maybe just go?

Quagmire, come on, I'm really trying hard here.

Who asked you to try hard?

Nobody, but all... I'm trying to establish a friendship with you.

All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?

Okay. I'll tell you.

You are the worst person I know.

You constantly hit on your best friend's wife.

The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him?

And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard.

And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing.

You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later."

But later never comes.

And what really bothers me, is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos.

Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it.

I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound intellectual.

He wasn't. He was a spoiled brat.

And that's why you like him so much... he's you.

God, you're pretentious!

And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible.

You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note.

She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite."

And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "Legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America.

Well, what have you done to help?

I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian.

Never seen you down there.

You want to help? Grab a ladle!

And, by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ.

Oh, wait, you don't believe in Jesus Christ, or any religion for that matter, because "Religion is for idiots."

Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone?

You failed college twice.

Which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father.

How's that son of yours you never see?

But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore.

That's the worst of it, Brian.

You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore.

(exhales)

Well, see ya, Brian.

Thanks for the (bleep) steak.

Boy, it sure is nice having our house to ourselves again, huh?

Lois?

Peter, sometimes you just make me sick to my stomach.

Look, I know you think Jerome was a good guy, but...

No, he was a good guy, Peter.

And I'm gonna prove it to you.

And you're gonna feel like a real jackass.

What's that?

It's a gift. For you.

You don't deserve it, but if anything, it's gonna wake you up a little bit.

Jerome got you this as a thank you for letting him stay here.

It's an actual prop from Family Ties.

This is... This is one of Nick's garbage sculptures.

Yeah. Pretty thoughtful, isn't it?

Oh, boy, do I feel like a jackass.

Lois, I'm sorry. I'm just...

I let my jealousy get the best of me.

Jerome's such a cool guy and I...

I guess I was worried he was cool enough to steal you away from me.

You should know better than that, Peter.

Now, I think you have an apology to make.

Hey, you look like you could use a pal.

Oh. Hi, Peter.

Look, I'm sorry about how I acted.

It's just...

Lois means everything to me.

And when I saw you together, I... I didn't know what was gonna happen.

I just thought you might try to mount her or whatever it is you guys do.

Peter, how could you even think that?

I would never do anything like that to you.

You were my boy. We were like family.

Yeah, I know.

I messed up bad.

I'm really sorry, Jerome.

We cool, Peter. We cool.

But, listen, there is something I got to fess up to.

While I was living with y'all, I had myself lots of nasty ass s*x with Meg.

I don't care about that.

Hey, Brian, how'd it go?

Fine.

Wha... have you been crying?

What happened?

It didn't work. He still hates me.

You want to know something?

That's okay.

You don't need Quagmire to like you.

You only need one person to like you and that person is you.

And I'll tell you something else, I like you.

Thanks.

You want to sleep in my room?

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Good night, Brian.

Good night, Stewie.

Oh, come on, man.