A Night to Remember

1 Ah, school dances Back in the day, nothing was better than dressing up and getting down with all your friends. And the king of them all was prom, a magical night everyone wanted to remember forever, but no one wanted to make it last more than my big bro. Hello, Father. I come to you today with a life-and-death request. Why do you look like a department-store pianist? You're a department-store pianist! No! Sorry. Let me start over. As you know, next weekend is prom. It is literally guaranteed to be a night to remember. That's the theme, and I take it very seriously. That's why you will fully fund this venture. - Go away. - But you have yet to hear the extraordinary details. Me and Lainey begin the night crossing the Delaware River on a hot-air balloon. - Go. - Upon landing, 12 Clydesdales will pull our bejeweled carriage to school on a path of freshly cut white roses. Get out of my face. Tiki torches will light the way, as 100 bald eagles soar into the sky, each carrying a poem handwritten by a haiku expert. I'm begging you. That's when El DeBarge serenades us as we destroy the dance floor with our love. I'm not paying for an El DeBarge. This all can come true for a measly $22,000. You are an insane person. You're not getting a penny. Mom! Dad isn't financially supporting my prom dream! Murray, give my baby money for the prom. We need a new roof, not to balloon him to prom. Lainey's graduating, and we don't have that much time together. I have to make this extra-special. I can't believe my babies are growing up. One's graduating, the other's going to prom. Thank God I still have Adam to focus everything on. - Wait. What? - Don't worry, pickle. It'll be wonderful. We'll be together morning, noon, and night. (Gasps) Barry, please! Take me with you in the hot-air balloon! No way, bro. It only seats three. And I have a call in to Yo-Yo Ma to do amazing yo-yo tricks as we fly over the city. - I'll give you 80 bucks. - Deal! Only one thing left to do, ask Lainey. And I know the perfect way to do it. (Alarm ringing, indistinct talking) Lainey Lewis, will you go to prom with me? Oh, God. What did you do? What any man would Show a terrified school how much I love you. There's no fire, is there, Goldberg? Only the one burning in my heart for this sweet lady right here. Damn it. All right, everybody back to class! I hope you brought your wallet, because the fire department charges 80 bucks for false alarms. No problem! I happen to have that exact amount right (Gasps) Oh, no! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was prom season, 1980-something, and I was doing what every other kid was Hanging up signs for my missing cape. If my cape went missing, I would need answers, too. Wait. You're into theater? Why haven't I seen you in drama club? I go to theater camp during the summer. Your dad will pay money for that? Whoa. Whoa again! You're starting a sci-fi magazine? My mom said I have to pad out my college RÃ©sumÃ©. I also love sci-fi! (Breathing heavily) I'm getting too excited. Deep breath. - I'm Adam. - Jackie. If you're interested, you should write something. Interested? Let's just say it's my cup of bantha milk. Wow. I see The Force is strong with you. That deep "Star Wars" pull didn't confuse and alienate you? Amazing. It really was. Nowadays, it's cool to geek out, but back then, lady nerds were extremely rare in my town. I'm thinking for our first issue we're gonna tackle "Lord of the Rings. " - Ever read it? - Have I? I had not. (Chuckling) Have I? I really hadn't, but this girl was perfect, so lying seemed right. I I must have read it like 0 to 10 times. - Talk about it at the meeting? - It's a date! It's not a date. Well, a date as in "a moment marked in my calendar. " I'm gonna go now. I had a date! Kinda. All I had to do was read "Lord of the Rings. " How hard could it be? Turns out very. (Groans) It was super-long and boring and made me mad. Hey! Easy! You could kill someone with that dictionary. It's not a dictionary, Pops, even though it has every word in it. That's a reading book? Oh, my. I met a girl, Pops. She's older. She knows stuff. An experienced lady, huh? Now, this is where Pops shines. How can I help you? What do you know about hobbits? Talk to me. Give me your life wisdom about the Shire. Now! I don't know what that is. I was talking about how to get your arm around a dame at a picture show. Oh, man. I got to read 1,000 pages. I'm screwed! Why do I got to have a crush - on a girl with required reading? - Ohhh! My baby's got a crush! I have a crush on my baby having a crush. I want every detail about her. Talk. Now. Go. Tell me. Ugh. Okay. Her name's Jackie Geary. We got lots in common. The end. I don't know a girl in your class named Jackie. Who Jackie? You don't know her 'cause she's a tad older. An older woman? No, no, no. My baby is not ready for an adult lady. Jackie's just a junior. She barely has her driver's license. She drives? Like some 25-year-old? Uh, not happening. You stay away from this speedy girl and her creepy love van. None of what you said is true! She drives her nana's old station wagon. - What's the nana like? - Stop. Do you know what happens in the back of a station wagon? Mouth-smooching and adult hugging. Now get in bed for tucks. Boop! As my mom shut down my dream nerd girl, Barry was still planning his dream prom. Five days till prom. I don't want to ruin the surprise, but I hope you're not allergic to horse hair. Babe, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I can't go to prom. What are you saying? It's Erica. I can't have a good time knowing my best friend is staying home all by herself. That makes sense. You're a good person. I totally get it. Wow. Kind of thought you'd go nuts about this and get all kicky and punchy. Well, dating you has made me a more mature, stronger, better man. Hyah! You're taking my sister to prom! Barry, are you even in this class? I'm in the middle of a test. You will do this, or I will fight your father in front of your entire family, shaming your bloodline. Dude, you know I'd love to go to prom with Erica, but our timing's always been wrong. It's just not meant to be. Geoff, stand up! You will take my sister to prom, and you know why? 'Cause you need to bet on love before it's too late. He's right In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take. No one cares what you think, Matthew. But his inspiring words are right. The time is now. (Sighs) Okay. I'll give it a shot. Yes! You won't regret being my pawn, Geoffrey. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm super-late for my chem final. Hyah! With that, Barry saved his prom. Meanwhile, I was trying to rescue my "Lord of the Rings" problem In the shadiest way possible. - Can I help you? - Gah! Nope. Just browsing. But I wasn't. I was there to buy the most illicit thing you could buy in a bookstore in the '80s. Cliff Notes. Back before the Internet, this was how we got away with not reading a book. Some dude named Cliff summarized an entire story into a little yellow pamphlet. Hey, last-minute book report, huh? No. That's cheating. I don't do that. I need to read this 'cause I lied to a girl. If I were you, I'd just tell people you're cheating. But instead, I copied from Cliff, and Jackie bought it big-time. Wow, this is awesome, the way you summarized every chapter. You could totally sell this to help people understand the book better. It is a dense book, some would say boring. Not me. I'm just glad we definitely have this in common. It's working! His Cliff Notes sham is working! He'll blow it somehow. Trust the process. What strikes me most are the parallels between "Lord of the Rings" and "Star Wars. " Yes! He's steering the conversation into his sweet spot. I need to find new friends. Hey! Our next issue should be all about "Star Wars. " "Star Wars" is too commercial for my taste. Oh, no! She's beyond "Star Wars"! This girl's way too fast for Adam. I think you're both very confused about the concept of a fast girl. You're right. We should tackle the rest of the "Rings", give the people what they want. This is the best, right? I'll go start laying out this issue, and also, we should go to prom! - Excuse me? - Um I just blurted that out, but I meant it? Oh, God. Prom is dumb. It is dumb, and I'll totally go. - Really? - Yes! It's French bread pizza day, Holmes! So It's a date? (Chuckles) I guess this time, it is. I'll wear my hair in Leia buns. No! I'll wear braids. No! I'll wear my hair just like this. Bye, now. Enjoy prom, liar. This isn't my fault! You're super-boned, dude. Be less invested, Dave Kim! As my lies scored me a date, Erica was getting a prom date of her own Hey, yo, Erica. Just not who she wanted. Yo Ruben Amaro Jr. Thought maybe you'd like to check out prom with me. Uh Okay. Why not? Wow. You're really pumped about this. Call you with the details? Is there anything else I really need to know? Guess not. Then we're done. Good stuff. Erica Goldberg Will you go to prom with me? Oh, come on, man! I literally just said yes to Ruben Amaro Jr. ! But this was supposed to finally work out for us, - and now it can't! - Duh! Ugh! I am so frustrated with how we suck so bad at this! So bad! So, you don't want to go with me? I mean, I'm in love with another dude, so not really. But don't worry. You'll bounce back. Okay. Awesome news. I blew off Ruben, and we're going to prom. Oh, no! - What? What did you do? - He's going with me. I was just using him to make Johnny crazy-jealous, but now I can make you jealous, too! - This is so hot. - What the hell, Geoff?! You said you were going with Ruben. That was four minutes ago! I was sad and frustrated, and she asked me. She wouldn't take "No" for an answer. - She threatened me. - Strongly suggested. Whatever. It just isn't meant to be. - (Sighs) - I love you. No. What? Okay. Ruben Amaro Jr. ! Ruben Amaro Jr. ! Ruben Amaro Jr. ! Please tell me we're not back on. Oh, we most definitely are. Rent a tux, 'cause we are locked in. Erica! Erica! Great news! Don't even say it. We are the worst! Carla, wait! Hope you're ready for the best night of your life. No way! This is what you get when you don't call me back, Johnny! Look, I really don't want to be in the middle of whatever this is. I'll tell you what this is Johnny's gonna fight you, and I'm gonna feel so special. Wait! What?! She's crazy, but she don't lie. Pop your shirt off, homeslice. Let's dance. That's all I wanted, was to dance! Okay, so, I had a heart-to-heart with Ruben. Not right now, okay?! I'm about to fistfight over Carla. Just forget it. Ruben! Someone throw a freakin' punch! Fight over me! Fight over your prom princess! - No! - (Grunts) That was so hot. (Music playing) It had been two days since Barry pulled the fire alarm (Alarm ringing) in the name of love. So he did it again. Barry! I told you I'm not going to prom unless Erica does. Funny you should bring that up. Go on, Erica. Tell your best friend all the latest gossip. Meh. I'm going with Ruben Amaro Jr. It kinda sucks. Okay, I'm a pretty confident dude, - but this is a lot even for me. - Doesn't matter. Still a warm body to keep her distracted. Actually, I just want to stay home and watch "Dallas. " I mean, this whole "Who Shot J. R. ?" thing is really hanging over me. Who cares who shot J. R. ? It was probably some guy with a big hat. Is there actually a fire? I'm very scared. This isn't about you, Dan! This is about my girlfriend making ridiculous excuses. Fine! I don't want to go to prom with you! - There! I said it! - What? But it's the biggest night of his life. Exactly. We have the best night of our lives, and then what? I mean, three months from now I'll be off to college, and you'll still be here. But we agreed to make the most of our time left. I just can't keep pretending everything is great when there is a ticking clock on my heart utterly breaking. What are you saying? I'm sorry. I'm done making believe everything will be okay. I can't believe it. My girlfriend just broke up with me. I know. We all know. There were hundreds of your judgy peers watching. - What am I gonna do? - Come on. Bring it in for a two-person huddle. Let Coach give you a pep talk with his body. - (Crying) - That's it. You soak that rayon shirt down with your boy tears until you feel the strength return. As Barry's love life fell apart, I was trying to get through the second "Lord of the Rings" book. Got your jammies all warm and toasty! - Don't you knock? - Why would I have to knock? What have you got there? What are you hiding? Nothing, Just some light reading material a friend suggested. Is this "friend" the older seductress you're making time with? (Chuckles) Let me guess She's got you hooked on all those lusty Danielle Steel novels? No! It's personal, okay? Oh, my God! Why is there an impossibly adorable tuxedo in your closet? Okay, I was gonna tell you Jackie's either taking you to prom or Monte Carlo for the weekend, and neither are acceptable. It's prom. And I already said yes. You are a little freshman boy. I forbid you to go to prom! Mom, I can't cancel. Fine. I'll make you a deal. Have her over for some cold milk and homemade cookies, and I'll get to know her, make my decision then. Finally. You're being normal about this. I'll go call her. But, just like Gollum, my mom was not to be trusted. Yes, bring your precious girl to me. Bring her. What was that? I heard a weird voice. Not a voice. I coughed. (Coughs) As my mom invited my geeky dream girl over, Barry was living a nightmare after being dumped. Hey, Bar. How you holding up, big guy? We, uh, brought you your favorite jerky and Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum soda. I'm too sad to drink them, but I'll take the jerky. This should tide me over until Lainey comes to her senses. Ah. I see what this is. He's going through the five stages of grief. First stage is denial. Wait, so once I get through the five stages, I'll feel perfectly fine again? Well, yeah, but healing takes a long time. Let's do this, Matt Bradley! What's the next stage for me to race through? - I guess anger? - Gahhhh! I'm very mad! - Next. - Uh, bargaining? Give me $5 for this hockey stick. That's not the kind of bargaining I'm talking about. - Do you want the stick or not? - Sure? Okay, great. Next stage. - Uh, next would be sadness. - Pass. Next. Uh, I guess all that's left is acceptance. Great, 'cause I accept your gift of this meat tube and gum-flavored soda. I kind of meant that you have to accept that it's done with Lainey. I will never accept that. In fact, I'm gonna go get her back right now. That's 'cause you're obviously still in denial. - JTP! - JTP! - JTP. - Yes! You got to give the guy credit. He always fights for what he wants. Yeah, he does, doesn't he? And you know what? So will I, damn it! Erica Goldberg, will you go to prom with me? Dude! We covered this. The universe doesn't want us to be together. I know, but then I think about the most important night of the year, and there's only one person I want to spend it with, you. What if there was a way that we could keep our dates - but still go together? - And how would we do that? Double date. We take the limo together, we go to dinner together, we even dance near each other. So we go to prom next to each other. Suck on that, universe! Great! We'll pick you up at 7:00. This cannot go wrong. - Ooh! - Oh, my God! Oh, no! Aah! Teeth! God! One day, this will work. It's so nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Goldberg. Oh, same. (Chuckles) Adam's told me so much about you. Like, for instance, you're almost a senior. Yeah, that's called being a junior. (Timer dings) Oh. Snickerdoodles are ready. Squishy-tush, would you get them for me? I would, but these old hips don't move like they used to. That's what happens when you get older. Am I right, Jackie? Don't answer! I'll get the cookies. You two just sit here in awkward silence until I get back. - So - So What exactly are your intentions towards my boy? - Excuse me? - Are they honorable? Uh Sure? Well, then let's lay out some ground rules. . There will be no graphic language or adult situations. There will also be no smoking, no joking, and no midnight toking. - Tolkien like the writer? There will also be no smooching, no prolonged hugging, and no intimate horseplay. Repeat it all back to me. I think you have the wrong idea about me. Really? Then why is my little baby suddenly hiding things from me? - Hiding what? - You tell me. Aha! Ha ha! Oh, no! My secret brown bag. Wait Uh, where's the tawdry fantasy books with the top-heavy woman in a peasant shirt on the cover? Cliff Notes? You told me you loved "Lord of the Rings. " I'm sorry, I tried to read it, but it's the longest book about the shortest people. But you wrote an article on Tom Bombadil's influence on the Council of Elrond. Okay, I see I was way off the mark here. You seem sweet, so "Yes" to prom. I thought you were different, Adam. But you're not. You're just a liar. How could you shine a light on all my lies? How could you? Schmoo, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do anything. - I just - I don't care! I really liked that girl. I tried to read a boring, million-page book for her. Thanks for being you and ruining it. (Music Playing) I had lied to the geeky girl of my dreams. I knew the only way to win her back was a grand gesture that would show her how sorry I was. Only one problem Mrs. Goldberg?! My mom beat me to it. I've come on behalf of my boy. Uh, what exactly is happening here? It's like that book "Cyrano," where his mom comes and speaks on behalf of her son. Okay, I've never read it, but I know I'm close. Who's down there? What's going on? Oh, it's okay. It's Beverly Goldberg, Adam's mom. I'm just appealing to your daughter to reconsider my son as a romantic prospect. Shouldn't your son be doing that? Well, she kind of caught him in a lie, which is all my fault. The point is, this is what mamas do. Right? Mm See, this is what I wanted to show you The real Adam. Here he is as a one-eyed drifter. That's Snake Plissken. Ooh! An adventure boy with a whip. - Indiana Jones. - An underwater devil. - Aquaman. - See? Adam would correct me, too. You are totally made for each other. I get the feeling you are right. Every Aquaman needs a Super Gal. Wonder Woman. And she's from the Amazon, not the deep ocean. Aww, baby, nobody cares but you. And my son. It's so off-putting and cute. (Clatter) (Window opens) Mom? Are you kidding me? Boopie, where's your jacket? It's cold out. I didn't have time to put it on. - You're gonna get a sniffle. - It's really not that cold out. You say that, but your face is very flushed. Could we not have this discussion? You know, if you're not wearing a jacket, - you should at least be wearing a hat. - Mom. That's what happens when you get all hot - Stop! - Outside when it's cold. - Stop. - Think of horses. I'm begging you, please! - You're gonna be in the hospital - Mom! - With pneumonia, writing things down - Mom! On a chalk board because you can't talk. - Stop. - And then we're gonna have to have that whole discussion about (Groans) do we take out Adam's tonsils? What the hell are you doing at her house? Hey. Just ignore everything my mom said. I swear I really am the person you thought I was. Except I really don't get "Lord of the Rings. " They just walk and talk and walk more. It's okay, Adam. Your mom actually made it better. For real? So you still want to go to prom? Is a nerf herder scruffy-looking? Jackie, no one knows what that is. I do. She said "Yes. " (Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time" plays) Oh, I'm so happy this worked out, even though you're gonna get a head cold. I'm so happy you're in no way a threat to my baby. Look at those little pants. The little pants. I mean, big-man pants. Mm. - Very big man. - Big man. Lying in my bed Hey. Your dad let me in. Look, I really don't have it in me to fight. No. No, that's not why I'm here. Get dressed. I'm taking you out. I told you, I'm not going to prom. Neither am I! Look, you were right. I thought if I made it a big, special night, I wouldn't have to think about where we're gonna end up. I'm sorry. Don't be. I love you. I love you, too. And that's why I decided to make this a night to not remember. We're gonna have the most un-special, forgettable, typical night we've ever had. If you fall I think that sounds perfect. As Barry won back his love, my sister's plan for an adjacent prom with Geoff was a bust. (Whispering) This was a great idea. - This sucks! - I know! If you fall, I will catch you Oh, screw it. I will be waiting Time after time In the end, the perfect night isn't about where you are, but who you're with. Got to admit, this is way better than some stupid dance. Honestly, it's the prom I've always dreamed of. Me too. 'Cause it's with you. That's the thing about love. Yeah, it's messy and unpredictable, but when you find the right person and get the timing just right, it's magic. And that's what really makes a night to remember. Time after time - (Ding!) - Babe, it really was the perfect night. Thanks so much for not going overboard. It really means the world to me. Of course. I got to feed the meter. Be right back. Change of plans! You need to get these giant horses out of here. Where's my 80 bucks, bro? Couldn't resist, huh? Wha? These aren't my alley horses. Yah! Get out! Let's ride the horses, Barry. Awesome! I get the one with the pretty hair.