The Secret Planet

Reviewer 1: Used to be great, until Dominator showed up.

Reviewer 2: Stunning views, until Dominator set everything on fire.

Reviewer 3: Ruined by Dominator.

Reviewer 4: Ruined by Dominator.

Reviewer 5: DOMINATOR!

Wander: Huh. She must've missed this one.

Sylvia: Oh, this is great. This place is so small and dark that no one knows it exists. It's the perfect place to hide from Dominator.

Wander: It sure is. I'm gonna record a review, and let everyone know about this planet so they can all come and enjoy it, too.

Sylvia: No, not so fast, pal. We can't tell anyone. If word gets out, then Dominator will show up and ruin this place. This has to be our little secret, okay? Shh.

(freeze frame, title appears with a gentle, quiet banjo strum)

Wander:  Oh, a secret. I can keep a secret. It's no secret that I am a great secret keeper.

Sylvia: Mm-hmm. I'm gonna go figure out a shelter. Just remember. Shh!

Wander: (whispering) Secret. (wander sees a ship with refuges and talks in his normal voice) Oh, I'm sure they've got things under control. Yeah, they're fine. (the ship catches fire and the refugees scream, catching Wander's attention. Wander begins biting his nails and whimpering. Wander pulls out two red glowing sticks and waves them around to guide the ship. Sylvia returns with wood)

Sylvia: What are you doing?

Wander: (hiding the glowing sticks behind his back) Oh, nothing. Just doing a dance to celebrate finding this still totally secret planet.

Sylvia: Yeah, well, tone it down. (Sylvia drops the wood)  You haven't said anything about this planet to anyone, have you?

Wander: Said anything? No. -

Sylvia: Good job, buddy. Now why don't you help out and gather some palm fronds  for the thatching.

Wander:  Yes, perfect. (he rubs his hands excitedly)  It will give me a chance to go check on... (he stops) all the other secrets this secret planet has to offer. (Wander leaves and pokes his head out with a finger to his lip) Sh!

(cut to wander running through the jungle)

Wander: Hello. (he stops when he sees the refugees. there is a medium sized camp fire in their presence) Is everyone okay over here?

Refugee: Oh, it's the king of the planet!

Wander: King? Oh, no, I'm not--

Refugee: O gracious king, have mercy on us. We are but poor refugees fleeing the crushing might of Dominator. Give us sanctuary, we beg of you!

Wander: Well, of course you can stay. But can you keep your voices down just a little because--

Refugee: (shouting) The king has granted us sanctuary! Let us raise our voices in tribute to his graciousness!

Huzzah! Hail to the king! Hail to the king!

Refugee: Wise and generous king, we have prepared a lavish feast in your honor.

Wander: Well, that was very kind of you, I really don't want any

Refugee: The king is displeased with the feast. Prepare a bigger feast!

Wander: No, no. I meant It was very thoughtful of you to prepare this feast, and it will be quite adequate for me to satisfy my kingly hunger. I'm just going to go eat this in the jungle. If you please, just keep it down.

Clancy: Ugh, the service at this resort is terrible.

Nancy: Ugh. We've been waiting for at least two minutes.

Clancy: I'm going to find the manager. I will give him a piece of my mind.

Nancy: Yes, and make a big, loud fuss doing it.

Harumph. Harumph, harumph!

Wander: Thank you for your patience, monsieur. Now. if you'll come this way, I will show you to your table.

Clancy: Oh. We saw your fire pit as we were passing by.

Nancy: This is a most charming resort you have.

Clancy: We are, of course, Clancy and Nancy Schmancy of the Fancy Schmancys. We too are in the resort business.

Wander: Oui. Very good, monsieur. Although I must ask you to keep off the beach, s'il vous plait, as it is being sanded. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Clancy: Fruity drinks, ja?

Nancy: Mm, ja.

Wander: Excusez-moi. Oop. Excuse me. I don't mean to be a bother, but would it be too much trouble for you to whip me up a couple of fruity drinks?

Refugee: The king demands fruity drinks!

Wander: Oh. Thank you. This will do nicely.

Refugee: We are your eternally loyal subjects.

Hail to the king, hail to the king! Hail to the king!

Sylvia: Hey, thanks, buddy. I am parched. (takes one of the fruit drinks and sips it) Ah. (notices Wander in the king outfit) What are you wearing?

Wander: (suddenly appears without the outfit) Nothin'.

Sylvia: Okay. Still waitin' on those palm fronds.

Wander: I'm gonna get you those fronds. Only the best fronds for my best friend.

Wander: Ooh la la. Much too bright for such a lovely moonlit night, no?

Nancy: Ahem. The Fancy Schmancys do not share.

Camera father: Wow! Good thing we saw that fire and that disco party, or we totally would've missed this secret and exotic planet.

Smartphone son: Dad, when are we gonna see some animals?

Camera father: Look, a wild Zbornak. Sh. Don't spook it now, son.

Whoa, monkey!

Smartphone son: Wh- Hey! That monkey stole my juice box!

Clancy: Danke.

Wander: Sacre bleu!

Clancy: We'll put the pool here, and the hot tubs over there, and I think sun lamps everywhere so it won't be so dark all the time.

Nancy: We are going to make this the hottest new vacation spot.

Clancy: If only there were a real estate agent.

Wander: As you can see, these distant foothills are the perfect spot for your resort. Great views and plenty of room for expansion. And most importantly, as far from the beach as possible.

Clancy: Ja, that is perfect.

Wander: Whew!

Clancy: Men, blow up the foothills!

Wander: WHAT?!

(The camera family is heard screaming off-screen)

Refugee: These are Dominator's spies, sent to threaten our king!

(Wander, barefoot and still wearing the blonde wig and dress, runs through the jungle and puts on the king robe, king crown, and mustache. Sylvia appears and sees wander in the mixed-up outfit.)

Sylvia: Wander!

(Wander freezes and jumps ups)

Wander: King disco monkey want schmancy palm fronds!

Sylvia: What in flarnation is going on?

(Wander opens his mouth to speak then stops. he then tries to make a get away)

Wander: Be right back! (Wander darts off. Sylvia uses her tail to bring back Wander, who is now wearing his hat and shoes.)

Sylvia: Wander, are you keeping secrets from me?

Wander: No. Yes. I mean, I was trying to keep the planet a secret, but then there were these people who needed help, so I told them about the planet, and they built a fire to me, their king, and then more people came, so in an attempt to keep all of them secret, naturally I had to be a waiter, a monkey, and a real estate agent and now they're all fighting, and it's all my fault and I never did get you those palm friends, because I'm a bad frond, but worst of all I'm a big ol' liar! (Wander sobs)

(Sylvia drops her sticks and holds Wander, who appears teary eyed.)

Sylvia: Okay, I'm gonna pretend I understood that, and focus on the problem at hand. ALL THIS COMMOTION IS GONNA ATTRACT DOMINATOR'S ATTENTION!

Wander: I don't think we're attracting that much attention.

Sylvia: Buddy, it's time to fess up and fix all this.

(Fade to a scene of Wander standing on the throne speaking to everyone on the planet.)

Wander: I have a confession to make. I'm not really a king, waiter, monkey, or real estate agent. (One of the construction men holds up an exclamation sign and gasps.) I'm just a goofy, wandering wanderer who wanders around the galaxy trying to help people and not make a mess of things like I did today. Sorry.

Refugee: Wait, you're Wander? We've heard tell of you.

Clancy: So have we.

Nancy: Ja.

Smartphone son: We all have.

Camera father: You've helped so many people. How can we help you?

(Dominator's ship approaches)

Wander: Hit the lights!

(The hooded refugees throw buckets of water to put out the fire. Clancy and Nancy unplug their dance floor lights. The camera family cease their flashing - the mother pushes down on her flashing reflector to hide it, the son accesses his camera app and turns off the flash, and the camera father removes his flashing bulb and throws it to the ground, breaking it. The construction men disarm their demolition by pulling the wires off the detonator.)

(Wander sees Dominator's ship appearing.)

Wander: The statue!

(Wander boards a bulldozer and breaks down the statue. With all the lights out, the secret planet becomes hard to see, and Dominator's ship passes right by it.)

(Everyone cheers.)

Wander: Shh!

(Everyone cheers more quietly.)

Wander: But how can folks stay here now? If we light the place up again, Dominator will see us.

Sylvia: I've got a secret.

Wander: Ooh, that's nice, Sylvia, but I don't know how we're all gonna--

Sylvia: Knowing you, I assumed we'd have guests.

Cloaked refugee: Help, Dominator. Sanctuary.

Smartphone son: What's the password?

Cloaked refugee: The monkey stole my juice box.

Wander: Best secret hideaway ever!

Sylvia: Some secrets are worth sharing.