The Substitute

[WILL walks down McKinley hallway]

WILL: Morning, Sue.

SUE: Oh, I’m gonna stop you right there. It’s principal Sue.

WILL: What?

SUE: Oh, you heard me right. My years-long quest for power has finally bore fruit.

WILL: Wait, what happened to Figgins?

SUE: Well, you need to start listening to the news, William. A particularly virulent strain of monkey flu has arrived in Ohio from Borneo, where it had been festering in a small clutch of loud, bisexual primates, not unlike your very Glee Club.

WILL: How… how did Figgins get it?

FLASHBACK TO:

[FIGGINS talks with three students in the hallway]

FIGGINS: And that’s what it means to be an American.

LAUREN: I think I have a fever.

SUE: Can it…Now.

[LAUREN sneezes into FIGGINS’s face]

LAUREN: 'Sup?

[CUT TO: McKinley hallway. SUE and WILL continue talking.]

WILL: So Figgins is sick. How does that make you principal?

SUE: Well, through the blackmail of prominent local politicians, I strong-armed some extraordinarily broad clauses into my contract. My first order of business? Destroy the Glee Club.

WILL: I… I thought we were friends.

SUE: That got boring.

[LAUREN sneezes into WILL’s face]

[CUT TO: The choir room. WILL is writing on the board]

WILL (voiceover): Just one of the perks of being a high school teacher: Constant exposure to illness.

WILL: All right, guys, um…Time to start thinking about song selections.

WILL (voiceover): I mean, I feel like I might have a fever, but it’s important that I power through it.

[WILL turns around and everyone looks like 10 year old]

WILL (voiceover): Okay. I definitely have a fever.

LITTLE SANTANA: Lookin’ good, Puckerman. Someone’s been eating their wheaties.

LITTLE PUCK: These guns are fully loaded.

LITTLE RACHEL: Mr. Shue? I, for one think we should use our set list for sectionals to start exploring the oeuvre of one Bernadette Peters.

LITTLE BRITTANY: Someday, I’m gonna go to Paris and visit the oeuvre.

LITTLE MIKE: I just want to dance.

LITTLE MERCEDES: Mr. Schuester, you look a little green.

WILL: Um… I think I’m gonna go see the nurse. But first I feel like I should get you guys a sitter.

[CUT TO: WILL’s bedroom. WILL is sick in bed watching a cook show]

WOMAN ON TV: At this point, it would be a good idea to add any of your aromatics, like…

[TERRI is picking up tissues and throwing them in the garbage can]

WOMAN ON TV: We’re going to cover the pan until the clams open up…

WILL: I can take care of myself.

TERRI: Is that why Mrs. Weiss called me from next door? Because, according to her, she’s here morning and night. Lift your head up.

WILL: You’re making me feel worse.

TERRI: Oh, honey. I’m probably revealing too much, but I do still love you. And you have to admit, no matter how toxic our marriage was, I was really good at taking care of you when you were sick.

WILL: That’s because you like me best when I’m weak.

TERRI: Maybe. I mean, that’s what my therapist says.

WILL: You’re seeing a therapist?

TERRI: And I’m medicating, too. Now roll over, and pull your pants down, because we’re gonna take baby’s temperature.

WILL: No.

TERRI: But baby knows it’s the only way that we can get an accurate reading.

WILL: Stop, Terri. I don’t want to play sick baby with you. Now, get out of here.

[TERRI gets up and picks up a movie]

WILL: What are you doing?

TERRI: Singin’ in the rain. We were together 16 years. You think I don’t remember what movie makes you feel better when you’re sick?

WOMAN ON TV: Then they’re not good, so don’t eat those. Just go ahead and discard those. And that is how you steam clams.

[CUT TO: Cafeteria. MERCEDES and KURT are talking]

KURT: I’m shaking. And it’s either from low blood sugar or rage. I knew it was only a matter of time before Rachel tried to take over the Glee Club.

FLASHBACK TO:

[The choir room: RACHEL is writing on the board]

RACHEL: Class, in Mr. Schuester’s absence, I’d like to go around and ask everyone what solos they’d like to hear me perform at sectionals.

SANTANA: All right, you know what? Let me at her! ¡Tú eres loca!

[CUT TO: Cafeteria. MERCEDES and KURT continue talking]

MERCEDES: We’ll forget all about it tonight at bowling.

KURT: I can’t. Blaine asked me to hang out.

MERCEDES: I’ve been looking forward to it all week. Wait. Are you two going out? Because I think you need to come clean.

KURT: What? No. I don’t want another Jessie… Rachel traitor scenario to overcome. Please, Mercedes. Mum’s the word.

MERCEDES: We’d be happy for you. I mean, we know how lonely you’ve been.

KURT: All right, we just hang out. Nothing about Glee club even ever comes up. It’s just nice to have someone to talk to.

MERCEDES: What is that supposed to mean?

KURT: I mean someone like me. But I promise to make it up to you. We’ll hang out Friday night.

[MERCEDES cut in the lunch line]

MERCEDES (to a student): Excuse you.

MERCEDES (to the lunch lady): Whoa, whoa. A couple more. Thanks.

MERCEDES (to KURT): So what are we going to do about Glee Club while Mr. Shue is sick?

KURT: I have an idea. Have you met the new Spanish teacher?

[CUT TO: A classroom. HOLLY is writing on the board]

HOLLY (voiceover): It’s not easy being a substitute teacher. Kids feel like they get the day off. They’ll goof off, egg your car, cut class, break into your car, throw spitballs, put an alligator in your car…And I don’t even have a nice car.

HOLLY: ¿Lindsay Lohan es bien loca no? Repiten.

EVERYONE IN THE CLASS: Lindsay Lohan es bien loca.

HOLLY (voiceover): So I try to relate to the kids, listen to what they have to say, make it fun for them.

HOLLY: No, repiten otra vez, con más energía. Venga!

EVERYONE IN THE CLASS: Lindsay Lohan es bien loca.

HOLLY (voiceover): Because I’m the cure for the common class.

HOLLY: ¡Muy bien! ¿Cuántas veces a asistido Lindsay Lohan en rehabilitación? cinco veces. ¡Cinco!

[KURT enters in the room]

KURT: Excuse me, Miss Holliday? A word?

HOLLY: Favor de ponerse en grupos, para discutir cuantas veces se ha puesto Lindsay Lohan en rehabilitación.

HOLLY (to KURT): ¿Te puedo ayudar en algo?

KURT: I understand that you are subbing for Mr. Schuester’s Spanish class, and I was wondering if you might not want to take over his Glee Club duties, as well.

HOLLY: What makes you think I know the first thing about Glee Club?

KURT: You subbed for my English class last week. And you were extraordinary.

FLASHBACK TO:

[KURT’s English class: HOLLY is singing]


 * “Conjunction Junction” plays, performed by HOLLY HOLLIDAY]

[KURT is speaking with a classmate]

BRETT: Are you on anything? 'Cause this is trippy.

KURT: You smell homeless, Brett…Homeless.

[CUT TO: Spanish classroom. KURT and HOLLY continue talking]

KURT: Miss Holliday, we are floundering. Won’t you please take over Glee Club?

HOLLY: I thought you’d never ask.

KURT: Yay! Muchas gracias.

[CUT TO: The choir room. PUCK is buttering the floor]

FINN: Dude, what are you doing?

PUCK: Kurt got us a substitute, so I’m buttering the floor.

FINN: But sectionals is, like, two weeks from now.

ARTIE: Hey, Gigantor. We’re all gonna swap names, yo.

[RACHEL enters in the choir room]

RACHEL: Um, did I hear something about a substitute?

[RACHEL slips]

PUCK: Yes! It works!

RACHEL: Well, at least I didn’t fall and break my talent. I’m fine.

[HOLLY slides on the floor]

ARTIE: Oh, what the hell?

HOLLY: Hola, clase. Nothing says “bienvenidos” quite like a buttered floor. Let’s start with some introductions. My name is holly Holliday. What’s yours? Go.

PUCK: I’m Finn Hudson. I’m quarterback of the football team.

SANTANA: I’m Rachel Berry, his loud, loud girlfriend.

BRITTANY: I’m Mike Chang.

HOLLY: Those aren’t your names. You know why I know that?

BRITTANY: You’re psychic?

HOLLY: I know this because I recently watched a video of you guys performing at regionals, where you came in last. Maybe it’s because the songs were about 30 years old, but…

FINN: Those songs are classics.

HOLLY: Those songs are amazing. But they sounded like somebody else’s favorite songs. Not yours. Just sayin’.

BRITTANY: She speaks the truth.

HOLLY: I’m not your average, run-of-the-mill substitute teacher. I want you guys to do things that you want to do. I want you to have fun in our fabulous but fleeting time together. What do you say we have class outside today?

MERCEDES: It’s raining outside.

HOLLY: Well, then let’s take a field trip to taco bell.

BRITTANY: Oh, yeah!

HOLLY: Should we take up some medical-grade marijuana? I wish.

BRITTANY: Yes!

FINN: It’s really hard not to like this woman.

RACHEL: Okay, no. We can’t just goof off all day. We have to write a set list for sectionals. You’re right. What songs would you like to do? …Oh. Don’t get asked that question much, do we?

KURT: Ms. Holliday is right. Mr. Schuester’s set list sometimes seems like he hasn’t listened to the radio since the '80s.

PUCK: He never listens to what I have to say.

FLASHBACK TO:

[The choir room: PUCK is giving an idea]

PUCK: Mr. Shue, can we do that new Cee-Lo song, “Forget You”?

WILL: Uh, no. Come on, guys, there’s got to be a journey song we haven’t done yet.

[CUT TO: the choir room. HOLLY and the kids continue talking]

HOLLY: Cee-Lo! That’s what I’m talking about.

SANTANA: Snap. Okay, excuse me? What would you know about Cee-Lo? 'Cause you’re like, 40.

HOLLY: Top 40, sweet cheeks. Hit it!


 * “Forget you” plays, featuring HOLLY and New Directions*

HOLLY: Let’s go get some tacos!

[CUT TO: Boys locker room. BEISTE is talking with the football team]

BEISTE: This is not up for discussion, fellas. You do not spray athlete’s foot medicine in your teammates’ eyes. Come on!

[SUE enters the room]

BEISTE: Can I help you, Sue?

SUE: Principal Sue, and I’m here to inform you that effective 4:00 P.M. today… The football team is officially… disbanded.

BEISTE: Well, if you’re cutting the football team, who are your cheerios! Going to cheer for?

SUE: I will get back to you on all of this later.

BEISTE (To the football team): No.

[CUT TO: SUE’s office. SUE writes in her journal]

SUE (voiceover): Humiliation. Bested by the beiste, less than 24 hours after my plan to replace all chairs in the school with sharp poles was thwarted…a resounding defeat in my war against sitting. Reality is, I’m a champion, and once I get power, I do not let it go. I need a cause.

[SUE watches a couple of students eating]

SUE (voiceover): That’s it.

SUE: Becky, get your Fanny in here, and bring your pad.

BECKY: Yes, coach?

SUE: Becky, take a memo. I’m banning po-tater tots.

BECKY: Outstanding.

[CUT TO: auditorium. MIKE is sitting next to BRAD]

MIKE: Mr. Shue, I’m so glad you’re better. We can’t win sectionals without you.

WILL: Mike, I know. Now, I’m gonna run through a number here, and after a bit, I want you to join in, got it?

MIKE: Got it.

WILL: All right.

WILL: Though the world is full of a number of things, I’m sure we should all be as happy as…But are we? No. Definitely no. Positively no. Decidedly no. Uh-uh!

Short people have long faces, and long people have short faces. Big people have little humor and little people have no humor at all! And in the words of that immortal God, Samuel J. Snodgrass,as he was about to be lead to the guillotine…


 * “Make Em’ Laugh” plays, featuring WILL and MIKE (dancing)*

[CUT TO: WILL’s house. The doorbell wakes him up]

WILL: I don’t understand who gave her the authority to take over Glee Club.

[RACHEL is speaking through a mask]

WILL: What?

RACHEL: I was doing a fine job of running Glee in your absence, and then Kurt, jealous, asked her to take over.

WILL: I’m not too worried about it, Rachel. I really appreciate your concern, but… I’m not worried about someone coming in and usurping me. You kids love me.

RACHEL: Sue doesn’t.

FLASHBACK TO:

[SUE’s office. SUE and HOLLY are watching TV and drinking]

SUE: You know what’s so nice, is having someone fun at this school. Mm. We’re back. Okay. Oh, hoarders is great, but…

SUE and HOLLY: Animal hoarders is better.

HOLLY: Hoarders and red wine. I’m buzzed!

[CUT TO: WILL’s living room. WILL and RACHEL continue talking]

RACHEL: You have to get well, Mr. Schuester, because every day you’re here, she’s there, and it becomes more and more likely that she’s going to start running the Glee Club, and you’re going to become the substitute.

[CUT TO: Cafeteria. MERCEDES and KURT are talking]

MERCEDES: Oh, we have to get there early on Friday. It’s league night for little people, and they’ll buy up all the small shoes if they get there first.

KURT: Oh, I totally forgot. Greg Evigan is starring in rent at the community playhouse, and Blaine got us tickets.

MERCEDES: “Us” as in all of us?

KURT: I think he could only score two.

[SANTANA and the Cheerios are taking the tots away]

MERCEDES: Wait. Where do you think you’re going with those?

SANTANA: Principal Sue banned the tots.

MERCEDES: She can’t do that!

BRITTANY: They look like deep-fried deer poop.

SANTANA: Take it up with principal Sue.

KURT: We’ll get you some-some…

MERCEDES: Ugh!

KURT: Okay.

[CUT TO: SUE’s office. MERCEDES enters the room]

MERCEDES: Why did you take away our tots?

BECKY: You don’t have an appointment.

SUE: Jackee, I am like my idol, Richard Millhouse Nixon. Regarded in his time as petty, corrupt and venal, he actually always had the best interests of his people in mind. And also like Richard Nixon, I’m obliged to inform you that this conversation is being recorded.

MERCEDES: I want my tots.

SUE: Nutrition is abysmal at this school. You know what this is?

MERCEDES: Toilet brush.

SUE: It’s broccoli. When I showed this to Brittany earlier, she began to whimper, thinking I had cut down a small tree where a family of gummy bears lived. I am declaring a war on junk food.

MERCEDES: I’m getting my tots back.

SUE: Becky, that can’t happen again. Keep 'em out.

BECKY: Roger that. Thank you, coach.

[CUT TO: the hallway. RACHEL is next to her locker and HOLLY approaches]

HOLLY: Hey, Rachel.

RACHEL: Hello, miss Holliday. I’d like you to know that I have a very severe bruise on my right buttocks from your game of gangsta rap musical chairs. I’ll be going on record with the school nurse later today.

HOLLY: Rachel, you suck. Oh, my God, you’re like a total drag. Has anyone ever told you that?

[PUCK walks by]

PUCK: I have.

HOLLY: Oh, Puckerman, here are the answers to the pop quiz I’ll be giving in Spanish class later. It is so boring in there.

PUCK: Thanks, miss h.

HOLLY: Righteous.

[PUCK leaves]

RACHEL: You know what? Maybe I should be more like you. All fun, and just forget about the consequences.

Holly: Well, frankly, yes, you should. I mean, at least sometimes. When was the last time that you did something just because you thought it would be a blast? Take Glee Club. I mean, you have all these great ideas. When is the last time you actually did one of them?

RACHEL: Mr. Shue can be a little tight-fisted with song selection, but I would like to do something a little bit more upbeat and glamorous with a good dance beat.

HOLLY: Sounds reasonable to me. Have you asked?

FLASHBACK TO:

[The choir room. RACHEL is giving an idea]

RACHEL: Mr. Shuster, I want to do more of an upbeat, glamorous song with a really good dance beat.

WILL: No, but I have good news. I found a journey song we haven’t done yet.

[CUT TO: The hallway. RACHEL and HOLLY continue talking]

HOLLY: Rachel, I used to be just like you, trying to get everything so right, hanging on so tight.

RACHEL: What happened?

HOLLY: I got punched in the face. Anyway, why don’t you let me know the name of this upbeat, glamorous song with the nice dance beat, because, hot stuff, you are doing it in Glee Club.

RACHEL: I kind of need a partner to do the song I wanted.

HOLLY: I thought you’d never ask. That’s kind of my catch phrase.

[CUT TO: WILL’s bedroom. TERRI is taking care of WILL]

WILL: So… What meds are you on?

TERRI: Um, antidepressants and anti-anxiety when I need them.

WILL: Are you happy?

TERRI: You know, I think I feel like for the first time maybe I could be happy. How about you?

WILL: Happy?

TERRI: Yeah.

WILL: If I’m gonna be honest, no. I still feel like I’m searching for something.

TERRI: Here. Some more. There…

WILL: Thanks, Terri. Baby likes his soup.

TERRI: You know, I remember something else that baby loves a lot.

[TERRI shows him a menthol jar]

WILL: Rubbing menthol.

TERRI: I love that stuff. I know you do. Take your shirt off, lie on your stomach. Come on. What? I’m not going to kill you. It’ll make you feel better.

WILL: All right.

TERRI: Here.

[TERRI starts to kissing him]

WILL: Don’t. Don’t. I don’t want to get you sick.

TERRI: I don’t care.

[CUT TO: the Cafeteria. MERCEDES is eating and KURT comes to sit with her]

MERCEDES: Look at this crap. Foam fish sticks? Principal Sylvester’s only serving predigested food now to give us more energy. I mean, do I look like a damn baby bird?

KURT: Don’t fret your culinary disappointments. I come bearing gifts.

MERCEDES: You brought tots?

KURT: Better. I’ve set you up on a date. I get it. My new budding friendship with Blaine is making you feel left out, jealous.

MERCEDES: Who’s the guy?

KURT: Anthony Rashad.

MERCEDES: Why him?

KURT: No reason.

MERCEDES: Oh, so it has nothing to do with the fact that he’s one of the five black guys at this school?

KURT: Uh, no, he is a wide receiver on the football team, he is very good-looking, and he is a member of the black student union.

MERCEDES: Any non-black activities?

KURT: I don’t know… my Google search was a little…

MERCEDES: I can’t take this anymore.

KURT: Mercedes, trust me, love is just around the corner.

[KAROFSKY walks by]

KAROFSKY: What’s up, homo?

MERCEDES: That’s not what I’m talking about.

[MERCEDES raises a sign with the word tots]

A GIRL: Tots!

KURT: Oh, my God!

EVERYBODY: Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots! Tots!

SUE: So the tot wars have begun, Becky.

[CUT TO. Auditorium. RACHEL and HOLLY are performing a song]


 * ” Nowadays / Hot Honey Rag” plays, performed by RACHEL and HOLLY*

[CUT TO: hallway. WILL is walking]

SUE: Hey, buddy, you look terrible… you should be home in bed. There’s no reason for you to be here.

WILL: Well, the kids need me.

SUE: No, literally, there’s no reason for you to be here. The kids prefer the substitute, and so do I. I got to be honest with you, Will. A lot of it’s the hair thing. In fact, right now I’m tempted to sell your scalp on the black market as a tiny, full-length shearling coat for only the most fashionable of premature babies.

WILL: Oh… I long for the day when Figgins gets better and comes back.

SUE: Well, that’s not gonna happen. The school board has been just flooded with e-mails from parents thrilled with my tough stance on healthy teen lunches. Figgins has been fired, and I’ve been formally offered the position. So, why don’t you go home, rest, watch some tv, die. It doesn’t matter… 'cause you know what? As my first official act as full-time principal, you are fired.

[CUT TO. Breadstix. KURT, MERCEDES and BLAINE are talking]

WILL: Drunk people who get married to someone just saying that they met an hour ago by an Elvis impersonator…I mean, that’s the bigger insult to marriage than two gay guys getting hitched.

BLAINE: Totally. It’s, like, if marriage is so sacred, they should just outlaw divorce. Right?

KURT: Right. Right.

BLAINE: What do you think, Mercedes?

MERCEDES: Oh, about, uh, “don’t ask, don’t tell”?

KURT: No, we’re on prop 8 now.

MERCEDES: Totally for it.

KURT: Against it.

MERCEDES: Right. I’m sorry, I kind of just blanked out.

BLAINE: Oh, don’t apologize… we should talk about stuff that you’re interested in, too.

KURT: I know… let’s play a game. Okay, on the count of three, name your favorite 2010 vogue cover. Okay, ready? One, two, three…

KURT and BLAINE: Marion Cotillard.

KURT: Yes!

BLAINE: Oh, my God, stop it! Yes, I know. She’s amazing!

KURT: Amazing!

BLAINE: Amazing!

KURT: gay! Gay! Gay. Gay, gay, gay.

BLAINE: Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.

KURT: Oh, my gosh, I open my mouth and a little purse falls out!

BLAINE: That’s so gay.

KURT: How did that get in there? Mercedes? Mercedes?

BLAINE: I was just talking about the buckeyes… I’m a college football fan. I like sports, too, you know.

KURT: Oh, way to break the stereotype.

MERCEDES (to a waitress): Excuse me. I know it’s not on your menu, but I was wondering if you guys had…

WAITRESS: You want some tots? You kids must go to McKinley.

MERCEDES (to the boys): So, what were we talking about?

KURT: Has anyone read Patti Lupone’s new book?

BLAINE: I’m kidding. Of course I have.

KURT: You scared me so much there.

BLAINE: I know, I was…

[CUT TO: the choir room. The band is painting the walls]

HOLLY: Nice job, band dudes. It feels like the sun is shining in here.

WILL: And the body’s still warm. Hi. I’m Will Schuester, and this is my choir room.

HOLLY: I’m sorry we had to meet like this. The kids really love you. You must be a great teacher.

WILL: You don’t believe that… if you did, you wouldn’t have taken my job so easily.

HOLLY: Guys, you want to take five? Okay, you want to have this conversation, let’s have it.

WILL: You’re a substitute… of course you can…Paint murals and let the kids sing whatever they want. You’re never around when they have to deal with the hangover of all that fun.

HOLLY: 16% of all high school students dropped out last year. We can’t just expect them to sit up and pay attention. These kids feel special. They have a voice, and if we don’t listen to it, they just tune us out.

WILL: I give my kids a voice. I just don’t let it run free. I’m the teacher… it’s my job to know more than they do.

HOLLY: Right, but you don’t know more about what they care about the most… themselves. These kids get bored, they change their Facebook status. They’re entitled to have all of these emotions, and not only that, they’re entitled for the world to care about them. That’s what this generation is about.

WILL: A great teacher is supposed to show them that there are other points of view besides their own.

HOLLY: Okay, fine. What do you do when a kid does something really great in your class?

WILL: Praise them.

HOLLY: I tweet them about it right there and then, and for those 30 seconds, I know that that kid has a connection with me. Look, it’s… a terrible economy, and good teaching jobs are hard enough to get, let alone one in the arts. I just… I’m sorry, but I… I can’t turn this opportunity down.

[CUT TO: SUE’s office. SUE, MERCEDES and HOLLY are talking]

HOLLY: You want to tell Ms. Holliday why we’re here?

MERCEDES: Remember when I asked to be excused from class?

FLASHBACK TO:

[The choir room]

MERCEDES: May I be excused? I’m gonna go shove some tots up the tailpipe of coach Sylvester’s car.

HOLLY: Sure!

[CUT TO: SUE’s office. SUE, MERCEDES and HOLLY continue talking]

MERCEDES: I told her not to touch my tots.

SUE: You did $17,000 worth of damage. I drive a very rare and desirable automobile, ladies. Prized by collectors for its peerless grace among vintage European sports cars, one out of seven in existence. The 1979 Lecar. You know how many hours it took to find a mechanic who even knew what a Lecar was? She’s your student. I would love to hear what you suggest as punishment.

HOLLY: I was gonna suggest clapping erasers, but you guys are mostly dry-erase here, so…

SUE: You know what you might not find so funny, Mercedes, is that tampering with an automobile’s exhaust is a felony. And you can rest assured that I and my attorney, Gloria Allred, will be pressing charges.

HOLLY: So… Am I going to jail, or…

SUE: Undetermined.

HOLLY: Great.

SUE: Get the hell out of my office.

[MERCEDES gets out]

SUE: You have absolutely no idea what you’re doing, do you?

HOLLY: No. Not really.

SUE: By the way, berets are out.

[CUT TO: WILL’s living room. HOLLY and WILL are talking]

HOLLY: Sorry for just coming over like this. I wanted to do this in person. Plus, I heard you have expensive beer.

HOLLY: I’m glad you did. And I do. Look, I was out of line before… you have every right to teach however you want. And the fact is, the kids clearly love you.

HOLLY: I’m a terrible teacher. Don’t argue with me… I know I am. Today… Mercedes got in trouble for shoving tots up Sue Sylvester’s tailpipe, and we were sitting in Sue’s office, and Mercedes was looking at me like… And I just was totally lost.

WILL: What did… what did Sue do to her?

HOLLY: Whatever. I don’t know. She, like, suspended her or whatever. Oh! See? God, I do that every time! As soon as things get serious, I retreat. God, I… I didn’t used to be like this, you know? I-I-I was…More like you.

FLASHBACK TO:

[A classroom. The students are throwing paper balls and HOLLY enters the room]

HOLLY (voiceover): Spaulding High School, ten years ago.

HOLLY: Good morning, class.

HOLLY (voiceover): I was subbing for a math teacher.

HOLLY: The syllabus says that you’re on algorithms, so let’s start with some easy ones.

CAMEO: Let’s start with you kissing my ass!

HOLLY (voiceover): Her name was cameo. She was like an attractive biggie smalls.

HOLLY: Okay, miss…

CAMEO: Cameo.

HOLLY: Miss Cameo, do you find that algorithms are hard for you to understand?

CAMEO: Do you find my fist hard to understand?

HOLLY: I have some really great tricks that make them very easy to learn.

CAMEO: Tricks? What are you, some type of magician substitute? I’m a Christian, and that devil magic stuff offends me!

HOLLY: Cameo!

[CUT TO: WILL’s living room. HOLLY and WILL continue talking]

HOLLY: I woke up in an empty classroom. They’d stolen my air Jordans. From that moment, I realized I got to keep things moving, I got to keep it mellow and fun.

WILL: Yeah, to keep from getting your butt kicked.

HOLLY: And I do, in all ways. I never sign more than a month-to-month lease. I only eat off paper plates. I live on one-night stands. Last year a guy asked me to marry him; I moved.

WILL: Sounds… lonely.

HOLLY: Yeah. Well… it works for me. But it doesn’t work for those kids. I’m resigning.

[TERRI enters the room]

TERRI: Wow, Will. I mean, wow.

WILL: What are you doing here? You should’ve called.

TERRI: I brought you some more soup. But I guess baby’s feeling a lot better if he’s healthy enough to have a beer with a friend!

HOLLY: No, no. I… Hi. I’m-I’m holly Holliday.

TERRI: Are you a porn star or a drag queen? I’m Terri Schuester, Will’s wife.

HOLLY: Wow. Your wife’s kind of a bitch.

WILL: She’s my ex-wife. And I have no idea what she’s doing here.

TERRI: Do I have to remind you what went on here?

WILL: Can we talk about this another time?

TERRI: Why, 'cause this is embarrassing in front of your new girlfriend? Where has she been the past two days, huh?

HOLLY: Okay, I’m just gonna go home.

WILL: No. I’m sorry, Terri. Last night was a mistake. I knew it as soon as it happened. I was lonely and… You were there. I-I am sorry.

TERRI: No, I’m… honey, I’m sorry. I just…I’m really out of control right now, and… I’m gonna come back. Okay?

WILL: Terri.

TERRI: Yeah?

WILL: Don’t. Don’t come back.

TERRI: This is your last chance, Will. It’s never gonna happen again. If I leave now, I’m never gonna come back. You’re gonna regret this, Will. I swear to God, you’re gonna regret this.

HOLLY: Are you okay?

WILL: Tell me again about this life with no consequences.

HOLLY: It’s kind of awesome.

[CUT TO: the hallway. MERCEDES and KURT are talking]

MERCEDES: Psst! Look what I snuck in. My heart was racing.

KURT: Are you out of your mind?! After what you did to Sue’s Lecar? You’re gonna end up in prison!

MERCEDES: So? You know what they have in prison. Tots.

KURT: I’m not breaking it off with Blaine. I really like him. You are substituting food for love, Mercedes. And more importantly, you’re substituting me for a boyfriend. Look at me. Two weeks ago, I thought there was no way I’d ever find someone like Blaine. And there he was. You will find somebody. But until then, you just got to take care of yourself. And treat yourself with a little respect.

MERCEDES: You’re right. I got to go.

KURT: Where?

MERCEDES: I’m gonna go talk to that Anthony kid. First time I saw him, I thought he was kind of cute. Maybe we have a shot.

[MERCEDES leaves and KAROFSKY approaches KURT]

KAROFSKY: Question for you. You tell anyone else what happened? How you-you kissed me?

KURT: You kissed me, Karofsky, and I understand how hard this is for you to deal with, so no, I haven’t told anyone.

KAROFSKY: Good. You keep it that way. 'Cause if you do, I’m gonna kill you.

[CU TO: SUE’s office. Sue and WILL are talking]

WILL: Is is where I grovel to try to get my job back.

SUE: No groveling necessary, William. I’m returning you to your position. You know, one of the marks of a successful leader is appointing trusted lieutenants, and Ms. Holliday was clearly not up to the job. You irritate me, William. You make the under-flaps of my breasts burn, like when I used to rub them with poison sumac. But your kids sure love you, as evinced by the amount of treacly blubbering I had to sit through.

FLASHBACK TO:

[SUE’s office. The kids are talking about WILL]

FINN: Mr. Shue’s the only teacher at this school who asks you how you’re doing and actually wants to hear an answer.

PUCK: Mr. Shue’s the only teacher at this school that ever really touched me. Besides Mr. Ryerson.

SAM: He taught me how to tie my shoelaces.

RACHEL: I used to think that I was the best thing that happened to this school, but… I was wrong. Mr. Schuester is.

BRITTANY: Mr. Shue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after “m” and “n.” I felt they were too similar and got frustrated.

[CUT TO: SUE’s office. SUE and WILL continue talking]

SUE: You know, William, one thing I learned in my time as president…

WILL: Principal.

SUE: … you can’t force public opinion. I pardoned you. Sometimes you got to give the inmates what they want. You throw 'em a comb, and hope they stop beating each other long enough to whittle it into a shiv.

WILL: Well, I am relieved. I sort of thought I’d been replaced.

SUE: Aw, shut your gash, Nancy. And as a condition of my not pressing charges, your Glee Club will return my Lecar to mint condition. I suggest selling yourself on craigslist under the heading of “men seeking men with butt-chins.”

[CUT TO: the choir room. New directions is celebrating the return of WILL]

WILL: All right, all right, thank you very much, guys. Please, please, sit down. Just… Thank you… For that and… and for all the kind words you said about me to Sue. The feelings are mutual. Now, we got to get crackin’, though. We lost a few days there, and it’s all gonna be about focus and hard work for the next couple of days.

PUCK: I guess Ms. Holliday really is gone.

WILL: I know you guys liked her, and she was a lot of fun, but she and I both agreed that this is what was best.

TINA: Don’t get us wrong, Mr. Shue, we always wanted you as our teacher. She was just kind of a nice break.

QUINN: She did loosen us up.

ARTIE: And she actually had some good ideas for a sub.

WILL: Yeah. I get it. And maybe we can, uh, incorporate those… after sectionals. Now, when I’m sick, there is only one thing that makes me feel better.

ARTIE: Gin and juice.

WILL: No. Singin’ in the rain. I must’ve watched it, like, ten times over the past three days. It’s actually what inspired me to try this out as a contender for our first song at sectionals.

SAM: When is the song from?

WILL: Well, the movie opened in 1952. But-but… but it’s… But it’s really timeless.

[CUT TO: a classroom. HOLLY is giving a history lesson]

HOLLY: Mary Todd Lincoln in the house! My husband was probably gay, and I’m bipolar, which makes me yell things like… “That teapot’s spreading lies about me!” Or… “That can’t be my baby, because I don’t love it!”

[WILL enters the room]

WILL: Ms. Holliday, can I talk to you for a sec?

HOLLY: Sure. Guys, practice your bipolar rants, okay? See? History can be fun!

WILL: How are you holding up?

HOLLY: Okay. I’m back to my itinerant ways, I guess. I do miss Glee Club, though.

WILL: Well, as much as the kids like me, they sure do miss you. Which is why next time I’m sick, I’m requesting you as the Glee sub.

HOLLY: Really? Mr. Schuester, that’s so nice of you. It would be nice to feel like a part of something, you know?

WILL: I know. I actually need your help with something else, though. See, I’ve been dying to do singin’ in the rain with the kids, show them how great it is, but they’re convinced it’s too old-fashioned.

HOLLY: Mm.

WILL: Would you mind helping me make it a little more… modern?

HOLLY: I thought you’d never ask.

[CUT TO: auditorium]


 * “Singing In The Rain / Umbrella” plays, performed by New Directions, WILL and HOLLY*