Bye Bye Bertie

Are you sure this isn't too mean?

No!

Haven't you ever heard the saying, "The ends justify the mean"?

Oh, yeah. All right, let's go.

(Cell phone chiming)

(Grunting)

(Chuckles)

Hmm, blocked number.

Oh, well. Live on the edge, Bertram!

(Chuckles) Hello?

(With New York accent) Hello, is this Bertram Winkle?

Speaking.

I'm calling from Manhattan's number one opera station, WOPR.

Really? I love Whopper!

Thanks to your faithful listenership and many, many emails on how to improve our playlist, you have won dinner for two at Le Bon Repas!

(Gasps) Oh, my gosh! Dinner for two!

Wait. Do I have to bring someone, or can I just eat the two meals myself?

Uh, that's between you and the management.

But there's more!

Ooh, dinner for three?

No, geez!

The "more" is that celebrity chef Anthony Monsanto will personally serve you his famous 12-course tasting menu.

And to give you a preview, he's sending over the first course right now!

(Exclaims gleefully)

(Elevator bell dings)

What took you so long? (Chuckles)

Bon appetit, sucker! (Exclaims)

(All laughing)

You just got served!

That's it!

I am done dealing with you horrible kids.

Plus, I am sick and tired of being treated like a servant!

You are a servant.

Not anymore. I quit!

(Emma gasps)

That's the last time we pretend to give him something nice.

I have to pack my things first, but after that I quit!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪ ♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪ ♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪ ♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Thanks for helping me study for my foreign language mid-term.

I didn't know you spoke German.

Oh, I do not.

But your college is not accredited, so how hard can this test be?

Fair enough.

They actually offer Conversational Pig Latin.

Jessie, something horrible happened!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay.

It's not that horrible.

Uh, it's not like that time we lost Ravi camping.

That was a very uncomfortable night.

Raccoons are not as cuddly or chatty as they appear in cartoons.

Luke's right. It's not a big deal.

Mmm-mmm.

Uh-uh-uh.

Less walking. More talking.

Bertram quit. See? No biggie. (Chuckles)

What?

No it is a big biggie!

Why did he quit?

Well, we sorta kinda...

(Muffled protests) No idea, really.

He's just weird.

Wow!

I still can't believe Bertram actually quit.

Guys, relax. He'll be back.

He could never get another job.

Guess what?

I got another job!

(Bertram chuckles)

Just here to grab Polly the pitcher.

Who would be desperate enough to hire Bertram?

Hello, urchins.

Urchin Keeper.

Have you heard the news?

I've got myself a new heaping hunk o' help.

Hi, boss. Hi, bertie. (Giggles)

See you around, urchins!

Bertram working for Mrs. Chesterfield?

This is like a bad dream.

Somebody pinch me.

I'm on it. Somebody else.

I guess Bertram is not coming back after all.

So, who's gonna occasionally clean stuff and defrost meals for us?

Guys, do we even really need a butler?

We could just clean up after ourselves.

Yeah! How hard can it be?

Okay!

How did this happen?

It has only been an hour and we never left the couch.

Maybe Bertram really did do stuff.

Yeah, you know what he did?

He walked out on us!

To work for the enemy!

How could he just leave us like that?

Right?

I mean, sure, we were rude, and messy, and took him for granted, but we are so gosh darn cute!

Hey, where's Zuri?

Zuri: I'm under here!

And we need a new butler, stat!

Good morning, Mrs. Chesterfield.

Please, Bertie, call me Rhoda.

Okay. But remember, you promised we'd keep things professional.

I'll let you know if you cross a line.

So, what would you like for breakfast?

Bertie, don't worry your handsome little head about cooking.

(Chuckles)

(Yells) Martha!

Oh, thank you! Mmm-hmm.

But if you have a maid, why do you need a butler?

Oh, I do like to have a lot of help on hand.

And a lot of hands on the help.

(Giggles)

But, I...

Bertie, Bertie, you're working for Rhoda now!

(Chuckles)

Why not take a nap?

I know you're a nap man.

Well, I have been up for an hour already.

Uh-huh. (Chuckles)

Oh, I was so glad I could rescue you from those rotten ragamuffins and their noxious nanny.

They were so mean to me.

Yeah.

Yes, yes, the mean children are awful.

But you're here now, loved and appreciated.

(Sighs)

This is the best job ever. (Chuckles)

Mrs. Chesterfield: Martha, hush!

Must you walk like a truck driver?

So hard to find good help.

Yes! Yes! (Sighs)

He's the best one yet.

Yeah, you've got to be impressed with a guy who served appetizers on the Mayflower.

Hello.

I am Roger Bevans, and I am here to apply for the butler position.

Gods be praised!

He is neat and has already eschewed the use of two contractions.

(Croaking)

Oh, an Asian water monitor, the noblest of all the lizards.

Bertram, who? (Chuckles)

Hi, I'm Jessie. I'm the nanny.

And this is the Ross Family.

How do you do?

Uh, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Certainly.

I have a degree in home economics and food science from the Sorbonne.

And I've worked for some of the finest households in three continents.

Wow!

That's every continent!

So, Mr. Fancy Britches, why do you want to work here?

Zuri!

(Clears throat) That is a good question, Mr. fancy britches.

Let's just say, I enjoy a challenge.

Perfect! I'm a challenge.

Yeah, he's not kidding.

His room is so dirty, the cockroaches complained.

You're hired. (Chuckles)

(Bertram humming)

Bertie, I brought you something sweet to nibble on.

And some grapes.

Uh-uh-uh!

Allow me.

I feel a little uncomfortable with this.

Well then let's get a little more comfortable.

(Chuckles)

Is it getting hot in here? (Gasps)

You feel it too? (Chuckles)

Oh! Isn't this fun?

Bertie, I bought you a present.

You did? Mmm-hmm.

It's your new uniform.

Where's the rest of it?

Wait till you see what I make you wear in the summer.

(Chuckling)

Now go put it on.

Oh, look! Uh, your tulips need attention.

I thought you'd never notice.

(Makes kissing noises)

(Exclaiming)

Breakfast is served!

Whoa! Is all this just for us, or did Kate Middleton finally accept my brunch invitation?

A syrup fountain for the pancakes?

Finally, somebody gets me!

Ooh! Is that rat a l'orange? (Croaking)

Remember, Mrs. Kipling, pinky-claw up.

(Croaking)

Jessie? Yeah?

I hear you're taking German.

I'd be happy to help you study for your test later.

Oh, thanks but I'm just taking this class pass-fail.

You know, less studying, more time with the kids.

I insist you let me tutor you.

After all, one does want to do one's best.

Just say "yes" so he can keep cookin'.

(In British accent) One does want more pancakes.

(All chuckle)

Yeah, less chatter, more batter.

(All chuckle)

Hey, guys, so, uh...

I made a big mis...

Who's the dandy?

Bertram, meet Roger.

He's our new butler.

He makes perfect pancakes. (Jessie chuckles)

Sure, but can he make smiley faces out of chocolate chips, like I can?

Better!

Say hello to the Mona Lisa!

(All clapping)

Yeah, I'd show you blueberry Derek Jeter, but...

I ate him. (Chuckles)

Um, Bertram, would you like to have breakfast with us?

No, thank you.

It seems like you're all getting along just fine without me.

I, um, only came back to...

Uh...

Grab my spatula cozies.

Personally, I like to let my utensils air dry.

(Gasps) Air dry?

Are you an animal?

Well...

I hope you and your water spots will all be very happy together!

(Door closing)

Well...

Someone's got his tea towel in a twist!

Who's ready for the Eiffel Tower of bacon?

(All gasping)

Wow!

He combined my two favorite things.

Nineteenth century French architecture and pork!

(Television playing)

(Vacuuming)

Uh, Roger? Do you think you could keep it down?

We're trying to watch a movie!

I don't know how you can see anything through this fog of filth!

Ugh! Come on, guys, let's go make a snack.

No! You can't go in there!

I've already cleaned the kitchen today.

I hope that rule does not apply to the bathrooms.

Hey, Roger, why don't you take a break?

Yeah, play a game with us.

No play until work is done.

Bertram always used to drop everything to play hide-and-seek.

Actually, now that I think about it, he may have just been hiding from us.

(Squeaking and banging)

(Jessie groaning)

Hey, Roger.

Can you put up a sign when you wax the floors?

I banked off the island and slid into the stove.

You didn't leave any scuff marks, did you?

No, but I might have left some blood and a piece of my elbow.

So, Jessie, did you have a chance to study the German textbooks I left on your desk?

Uh, yeah. Thanks. I scanned them.

Scanning isn't studying.

Scanning is for photocopiers and lazy students.

I... Look Roger, I don't really need to speak perfect German.

Remember, this test is just pass-fail.

But you're setting an example for these children.

Do you want them to just pass-fail at life?

Or excel?

Both: Pass-fail! Excel!

Excel!

Of course you do.

Now, trot on upstairs and don't come down until you know all the irregular verbs.

You're an irregular verb!

Pardon me?

I said, "Sorry to disturb."

(Television playing)

(Vacuuming)

I knew you'd be back, Bertie.

They always come back.

Usually because of an iron-clad pre-nup.

I'm sick of posing!

This is why people invented cameras!

Patience!

Et voila!

Why am I holding you?

Because every pirate needs a little booty.

I'd rather walk the plank.

Now, give that to me, I'm going to burn it.

Absolutely not!

This painting will not be burned unless your smoldering gaze sets it afire!

(Chuckles)

One, ew!

Two, give it! Ooh! Ooh!

Give it! (Chuckling)

Give it! If you want it, come and get it!

(Chortles)

(Grunts)

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! (Chuckles)

Oh, these shorts are so tight!

(Shrieks)

(Knocking on door)

Hello? Bertram?

You just seemed a little sad earlier...

(Mrs. Chesterfield chuckles)

I'm so tired. (Mock panting)

(Laughing)

Give me that! You drive me crazy!

The feeling is mutual!

(Giggling)

Okay. Clearly I misread those sad vibes.

(Farting)

Luke!

What?

That was the plastic!

Yeah, because plastic smells like deviled eggs.

Hey guys, why don't we all go play in the park?

I'd like to see Roger try to clean that.

Oh, I will come.

But it might take me a minute.

Roger has starched my jeans to a fare-thee-well.

(Grunting)

Anyways...

Do you guys remember those epic messes we used to make when Bertram was still around?

Yeah.

He used to just wait until they started to smell, and then make one of us clean them up.

(All chuckle)

Remember what he always used to say?

All: "Put it in the trash, or I'll put it in your dinner."

(Sobs) I really miss that guy.

Hey!

Is Roger here?

I don't want him to know I'm taking a study break.

But if I don't, I'm gonna have a study-breakdown.

Roger's cleaning the plants on the terrace.

He said, "They're dirty!"

They're planted in dirt!

And what's next? Mopping the floor of the fish tank?

Jessie, can't we get Bertram back?

Roger is totes annoying!

I never thought I'd hate a man who could rock a cravat, but here we are.

He alphabetized my practical jokes.

He actually took the fun out of pranking!

He's a monster!

And he makes me go to bed at 8:30!

8:30 is your bedtime.

I know! It's awful!

Now I stay awake all through school!

Oh! (Groans)

Although I admire Roger's meticulous nature and high academic standards, I must admit...

I am chafing something fierce.

Look, guys, I miss Bertram too, but there's nothing we can do.

He's having the time of his life at his new job.

How do you know?

Don't ask.

I can't re-live that again.

Just trust me, he's moved on.

Besides, I know Roger is kind of a perfectionist, but he's not that bad.

Roger: Fraeulein Jessie, you're not taking a break, are you?

Hide me!

Whoa!

(Sniffs)

Who's been eating in here?

I smell deviled eggs.

(Speaking German)

Perfect. That's the whole stack.

Danke.

Where are you going?

(Mock German accent) Away from these stinking flash-karten.

Do you really want to quit now and do the minimum?

Or, as I've heard this family say, "Luke it"?

But I was up all night studying!

These bags under my eyes are so big they could carry groceries.

The heavy stuff, like milk and detergent!

Jessie, when I arrived, this family was languishing under the care of a butler who didn't know his crumb catcher from his cummerbund.

Are you okay?

I haven't seen you this upset since you found that apple core in the couch cushions.

It had fuzz on it!

I was just happy Luke ate fruit.

It's unacceptable!

I must make everything perfect.

And nothing is going to stand in my way.

(Yells) No!

I had these sorted into masculine, feminine and neuter nouns!

(Gasps) Roger!

Get a grip!

Ow!

Did you just give me a black and blue butler?

You left me no choice.

Look, it's good to try your best, but not at the expense of all fun, sleep, and contact with upholstery.

Nobody is perfect, Roger. Not even you.

That's, that's...

That's so true! Oh!

I just don't know any other way to live.

My mother always demanded perfection from me.

Oh, I get it, my father...

Do you know how hard it is to make friends in kindergarten when you're wearing a three-piece suit?

(Bawling) Roger, okay...

There, there.

Snot into my skirt all you want.

You're the one who does the laundry.

(Wailing)

Make sure that silver is good and polished, Bertie.

I want to be able to see you in it.

Okay? Is everybody decent?

Children entering the premises.

(Alarm sounding)

What was that?

The foyer is wired to go off whenever children enter.

Unfortunately, the electrified floor doesn't seem to be working.

What!

So, what are you all doing here?

The kids have something to say to you.

Bertram, we want to apologize.

Yeah, we never should have pulled that stupid prank.

We are terribly sorry...

Even though I am, as usual, blameless.

Please come back.

We really miss you.

Tough toenails, tykes!

You didn't appreciate Bertie when you had him, and now he's mine!

He signed a contract.

That wasn't a contract.

You forced me to autograph a picture of myself for your nightstand.

(Chuckles) Potato, pot-ah-to!

It's binding!

I'll tell you what's binding, these shorts!

And why do you want me back?

Isn't Roger the perfect butler?

We don't want the perfect butler.

We want you!

We have seen what too much perfection can lead to, and it is not pretty.

Seriously, I would show you the rash if I could get these pants off.

(Chuckles)

Bertram.

Look, you may not be perfect, but...

You're perfect for us.

And we love you.

Oh, I love you guys, too.

(All sobbing)

Ugh!

Okay.

Bertram's back! (Clapping)

Wait!

What about me?

You miscreants have each other, but now I'm all alone again.

Where's Rhoda's happy ending?

Jessie?

Sorry to disturb. Ooh!

Rhoda likey.

Thank you for accepting my resignation.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Not so fast!

Jezebel, who is this tasty piece of schnitzel?

This is our ex-butler, Roger.

Charmed.

You're hired.

Don't you need to see my credentials?

I can see them from here.

I'm too young for this. Let's bounce.

So, how do you feel about pirates?

Oh! Shiver me timbers!

(Shrieks)

(Electricity crackling)

(Exclaiming)

Oh, the floor does work!

(Chuckles)

(Snoring)

Aw! Isn't he adorable?

Look, he's making those cute little snot bubbles.

(Chuckles)

I just got an A on my mid-term.

Not that it counts. Stupid pass-fail!

Awesome, how does it feel?

(Chuckles)

No, seriously, describe it to me.

I've never gotten an A.

It feels great.

Almost as great as having Bertram back.

(Snoring)

(Farting)

Oh!

(Gasps)

Sadly, we can no longer blame that on the plastic.