Carpe Museum

You look adorable. Ah, all ready for your big field trip to the museum. Are you happy now? Very... thank you for volunteering to volunteer. Yeah, so we're even. Well, I've been a parent volunteer for eight years, and this is the first time you're doing it, but, yeah, fine, we're even. (laughs) Great... so, how did you survive eight years of being stuck with Mr. Frond? Wine Thermos. Hmm. Get a cyanide Thermos since you're going to want to kill yourself because field trips are dumb! I agree... field trips are dumb. I remember being a kid, going to the zoo, and sneaking off with Warren Fitzgerald. We smoked cigarettes in front of the zebras. Half-smoked. I didn't really smoke. Start your story over... I just got here. Aw, you didn't care about seeing the animals? It was a pretty crappy zoo. Yeah, it's a pretty crappy museum, too. And we go there every year. I like it. Me, too. The Sands from Exotic Lands exhibit is my favorite. Last year when I got home, there was sand in my crack. It was hands-on learning for my butt. I bet we all have a good Sands from Exotic Lands story. (groans) I'm already bored. Hey, sometimes good things come from boredom. Like Gene. Thank you. And Tina. Pow. Okay, people, take a look at my buddy board and find your randomly assigned buddy. (both screaming) Okay, oh, uh, wait, wait. Hey, hey. Oh, look, Andy and Ollie got assigned to each other. What are the odds? Yay! Yay! And I got... Me. (laughs) I got a Genie in a bottle. Hey, if I rub you, will you give me a wish? No. Hey, I heard you can see boobies from all around the world in this museum if you know where to look. We're going on a booby bender. Boobity-boobity-a-la-la-la. (giggling) (makes fart sound) This I could get used to. Deedlup. Rudolph Steiblitz? Wait, is that Regular-Sized Rudy or Pocket-Sized Rudy? Regular-Sized Rudy. Oh, thank God. POCKET-SIZED RUDY: Hey, what's the big idea? Geez, Rudy, quit sneaking up on people. Wear a bell. God, I have Henry Haber... the school weirdo. Great, I have Tina Belcher. The dorkiest girl in the school. (both groan) You know what? Maybe I'll show him how to be cooler. People used to think I was a weirdo, too. You know what? Maybe she just needs someone to show her how to be cool. People used to say I was a dork, too. Both: This'll be fun. Teddy: So, where's Bob today? On a field trip with the kids. At the museum. I guilted him into going. You miss him, huh? The thing is, he's still here. Don't you see? He's me. He's you, he's that spatula. Aw. Sure, it's a crappy restaurant and people walk right by it, never take notice. Wait, what? The floor's always sticky. Sticky? But it's home for a lot of folks. I'm getting choked up here. Okay... the thing is, now that I made Bob go, I feel like those kids don't need me anymore. Now he gets to play mama bird. Singing the songs on the bus... Linda. Holding hands... Linda, what are you doing here? What? What? Go to them! Oh, oh! Go to the museum. Be with your babies, go to them! I got to go, I got to go! We'll be fine. I'm waiting on... on fries. Lock the door, Linda! Get out! Why are we going? Lock the door. Go! Never look back, never look back! What you drawing there, Henry? I'm designing robot characters for my next graphic novel. It's part of a series. It's important to have interests, but maybe you can find one a little less dorky? Uh, it's actually pretty cool. Maybe you just don't understand it? Oh, I understand it. There's 17 installments, and you really need to read them in order, which you haven't, so I doubt it. Both: This is going to be harder than I thought. Tina: Robots? But that does give me an idea for my next erotic fan fiction: Ro-butts. (metal clanging) Hey, what's that noise? My cymbals... you never know when somebody's gonna want to jam. Hmm, back me up with those, would you? Well, okay, but I haven't... Hey, Mr. Frond. Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know, Louise, why? So he would be in a different school district where there's a different guidance counselor. Hiya! Yeah! Louise. What? Don't say that here. That's fine... I'm out of material. Ooh, is there a rat exhibit? I think those are picketers. Picketers? Even the people who get paid to go in there don't want to be in there! That's how terrible it is! It's a good thing your mom isn't here. Why, Mom likes protesting? What? No, she loves chanting. Oh, who doesn't? Yah, tah, yah-tah-tah! Hi, Madeline Greenberg, museum director. Phillip Frond, counselor of children, friend of the museum. I'm Bob, I, uh... He's merely a volunteer. Oh. Well, you may have noticed, we're having a little trouble with the UFMWD? I've had problems with that. Drink some cranberry juice. Hmm, no, it's the United Federation of Museum Workers and Docents. They're on strike. Oh, like how my stepmom's on a s*x strike till my dad fixes the VCR. Exactly, it hasn't affected much. We still have all the exhibits, all the fun, just one-eighth of the staff. (laughs) Louise: An Amazon exhibit? Maybe this day won't suck so bad after all. Oh, that's not open. What?! No! The strike slowed us down there a little. (mumbles) Henry and Tina: Whoa. Nice plesiosaur. Nice horses. What'd you say? Plesiosaur. The coolest dinosaur. Hmm... Henry, it's great that you have a favorite animal, but what about picking a cooler animal? Like a horse or miniature horse? Uh... It's your first time as a parent volunteer, Bob. Linda's set the bar pretty high. I hope you're up to it. With great vest comes great responsibility. Ugh. Okay, kids, stick with your buddy and stay with the group! You don't want to be a Missing Marvin or a Walk-Away Wendy! Ugh... huh? Okay, Regular-Sized Rudy, change of plans. I'm going in there, and you're coming with me. Yeah, I don't think we're allowed to do that... Oh, we're not. Oh. We're going where no Wagstaff student has ever gone: The Amazon! Rudy, just keep your voice down. Oh... Amazon? Yes, ma'am-azon! Ha! Shush! Shush! (whispering): Sorry. Yes, ma'am-azon. I'm glad you're up for this, Rudy. I thought I was gonna have to get a buddy-ectomy. Are you kidding? This is great. I've never done anything like this. My mom barely let me go on this field trip. (clanging) Ugh! Okay, I know you're new here, but this isn't how sneaking works. You have to ditch the backpack. Yeah, sure. No! (cymbals crash) I didn't mean throw it. That was loud. Okay, I'll show you the ropes, and then we're gonna go under the ropes and touch all the stuff. Yeah. ♪ I need to blow my nose. Uh, okay. I can only blow it if you hold it. Ugh. (moaning) (grunts) Now me. Oh, my God. (blows nose) Bob? Time for a head count. Uh... oh. Four, eight, ten, (nose blowing continues) 14, 16... I'm gonna push you now, Ollie. I'm gonna push you away now. I understand. Uh, uh, okay, who's missing? Oh, man. Louise. Figures. A-Are we good? Uh, uh-huh. Yeah. Definitely. I just got to go over here for a second. Be right back! Of course she's in there. Louise. Louise. (animal noises) Louise, come out of the plants. (high voice): Who's Louise? I'm just a talking plant. My name is Leafy Greenbrier. Rudy: And I am Kate Bush. Listen, both of you. I know you're not excited about this museum, but I can't have you kids being Missing Marvins or whatever that stupid thing Frond said. Walk-Away Wendys. Thank you. Uh-huh. Um, what's your name? Regular-Sized Rudy. Regular-Sized Rudy? Why do they call you that? Just look at me. Um, okay. Listen, you two are supposed to stay with the group. Ugh. Dad, when I hear "stay with the group," I leave the group. Yeah, Louise, that can be annoying. All right, which way did we come in? Uh, come on, this way. No, you come on. Dad, look around. We're in the jungle. Ah! Can we just for a second walk around a little? Hmm. It is kind of impressive. Yeah. But we both know I have to take you guys back. You remind me of my mom. She hates fun, too. (whistling) Hide. Get down. Hey! Who's over there? Shh-shh-shush. Somebody over there? Everybody shut up. Hello? Come on, Jeff, you know I hate plants. Oh, they're gonna drop their juice boxes when they see me. (indistinct shouting) Museum management is unfair and anti-union. Yeah, I hear that, buddy. No, no, we're protesting. What do we want? Others: Fairness. Woman: When do we want it? Others: Now. Oof. What? The chant? Well, uh... It's the chant, isn't it? Yeah. You got to wow 'em. Something like, uh... Give us more money, damn it! Or we'll shave the woolly mammoth! Give us longer breaks for snacks or we'll burn the artifacts! You're really good at this. Thank you. All right, good luck, got to go. No, wait. We need you. Hmm? Remember, kids, smiling is the new touching. Nice. Also, if you ignore history, you're doomed to repeat it, and if you touch history, you will be suspended for six days. Yes... and when you get to the pioneer exhibit, learn but don't churn. Who are you? Is there a, uh... Mr. Museum? No, there is not. Okay, booby checklist. Let's see what we got. Did you get that at the gift shop? Nope, it's my cousin's. He wrote down where to find all the boobs in the museum. Viking boobies, yeah! Eskimo boobies, coming real soon. It's an embarrassment of boobies. (Zeke and Jimmy chuckle) Good one, Zeke. That's Jimmy Jr. You may not know him because he's one of the cooler kids in school. Hi, Jimmy Jr. Hi, Tina. (laughs, snorts) I know Jimmy Jr. Hey, Jimmy J. Hey, Harvey. Hen-Henry. He's always joking like... uh, not even my name, uh... (plants rustle) Okay, I think the coast is clear. Let's get back to the group. But we just hid from the guard. We're having fun here, ah? Come on, let's go into the stilt hut just so we can say we did it, and then we can go back to the boring group and that no-fun Frond and have a crappy day just like you want. Please. Louise: It's literally a hut on stilts. (sighs) Fine. Stilt hut and then that's it. Stilt hut! Stilt hut! Shh. Stilt hut! Shh-shh-shush. Rudy... rookie. I know. (whispering): Now we're all whispering. So nothing for you to check off here, Zeke. They all have hair covering their boobs. Like a stupid fashion magazine, right? But not so fast. And three... two... ta-ta time. No nip, though. Wow. Your cousin's really into this. I never heard of anyone having a boob fetish. Well, this isn't even remotely realistic. I mean, the stegosaurus... Henry. What did I say about dinosaurs? Why are you talking that way? I'm just trying to help you, Henry, okay, buddy? And I'm just trying to help you, buddy. All I'm saying is, the stegosaurus... it's obviously... Uh-uh, honey. Huh? No. What a dork. Both: I know. Whoa, whoa. You think I'm the dork? Of course. Everyone does. No, no, no, no, you're the dork. Huh. Well, there's only one way to solve this. Well, there's probably, like, a lot of different ways. But why don't we try your dorky way? Yeah, well, 'cause it's not the dorky way. Can you just, it... drop the dork and just talk to me? (sighs) You look so dorky right now. Linda: Make our paycheck more colossal! Picketers: Or we'll poop on all the fossils! Yes. Rude. Well, great stilt hut. Yeah. The best. Now, let's go back. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The stilt hut was my fun jungle idea. Now... what's, what-what's one from you? What do you got? Um, go back. Don't say "go back." Warren Fitzgerald wouldn't say go back. Warren Fitzgerald would say you've gone soft. Warren Fitzgerald? From my zebra story? Yeah. From your fun past. I've got ideas, but... I don't believe you have ideas unless you say them out loud. Yes, of course I have ideas. If I look around, I could come up with something. Okay, well, then look around and come up with something. Okay, there. We're gonna go right there. (Louise chuckling) Look who's stepping up. But, uh, how are we gonna get up there? We could fly. I know we can't fly. We could just do this. Huh? Who's soft now, Louise? Your stomach, your butt, and your thighs. But nice work. Let's go! (Rudy and Bob grunting) (humming) Mr. Softie just pushed over a tree. I like it. Hey, shake a leg, Reg Size. (panting): I'll be right there. And Mom said I'd never climb a tree. All right, race you to the top. Let's do it! First one up gets to spit down on the other. Don't worry, Rudy, we're not gonna spit on you. (chuckles) As long as I'm included. Ooh, ooh. Look! Camel boobies. Those are humps. One man's hump... Okay, students, buddy up. In a few moments we'll proceed to the hands-on room of the museum. Oh, finally! Yay! Sands from Exotic Lands! Sand? Really? That's what floats your scrote? And then some. Mmm, the hands-on room. It's the one place you're allowed to touch. (shudders) Your skin should be its own exhibit. Well, your hair should be sent to an Asian wig factory. Oh. Who's a bigger dork, Henry Haber or me? You. Henry. Not helpful. Bigger dork, me or Henry? Tina. Henry. Well, looks like we're dork-locked. (sighs) We need fresh eyes. Hello, I'm Tina and this is Henry. I'm Henry. (sighs) Yeah. Who do you think is the bigger dork? Um, I don't think you kids should play this game. Labels lead to hurt feelings. Sheesh. Never ask a dork to judge a dork contest. Yeah. (pants) Come on. Pick up the pace, softie. Softie? That's funny coming from the girl who called me Daddy until she was eight. What? That's crazy. You better have a good lawyer, 'cause that is slander, sir. (wheezing) That's me laughing. (wheezing laugh) Time to kick it up a notch, okay? Boom, chaka, boom, chaka, boom, boom, boom! Others: Boom, chaka, boom, chaka, boom, boom, boom! Weeda, weeda, weina, weina, weina, wang. Others: Weeda, weeda, weina, weina, weina, wang. Shake your hips! Wiggle your butt! Drop your pants and pick 'em back up! No. I don't want to drop my pants. Why? (pants) Ha! We did it! You know what? I am gonna spit. (hocks loogie, spits) Hey, I'm glad we ditched. That was fun. Me, too. Let's do it again sometime. Like, maybe when you're old and senile, I'll close the restaurant and come spring you from the nursing home. What? Sorry, I didn't want to do it, but Gene and Tina put you in a nursing home. And not one of the nice ones either. No, you said you'd be running the restaurant. Oh, no, I was just saying... You're taking over the family business? (scoffs) Yeah, right. Ha! Admit it, you look up to me. No! S... (groans) You are ruining our perfect day right now! Oh, my God, am I your hero? (groans) Sick! (wheezing) Fun... hurts... my lungs. Wow. I thought I was out of shape. Man: What the... Oh! Shh, shh, shh. This doesn't go here. (grunts) Disgusting tree. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew! Whoa. That's gonna make getting down a lot harder. Oh, crap, crap, crap. We're stuck up here. This was a stupid idea. (wheezing) Um, Rudy, are you okay? Haven't gone this long (wheeze) without my inhaler. Inhaler? I'm supposed to use it every two hours (wheeze) or I could die. What? (wheezing): But I'm sick of that thing. O-Okay. Where's your inhaler? In... my... backpack. Where's your backpack? Um, I made him ditch it. What? But don't worry about me. (inhales deeply) I'm loving every minute of this. Oh, my God. Wait! Security guy! Come back! Help! Help! Louise: Why didn't you tell me you need your inhaler? I'm your buddy. We're supposed to talk. We talk. This is why you can't just do whatever you want, Louise, there are consequences. You shouldn't have left the group. And I shouldn't have let you talk me into doing this! So it's your fault? No! Right now we just have to get Rudy his inhaler! (wheezing) How are we gonna get down? That tree was our ladder. I know that tree was our ladder! I put it there! (weakly): I think I'm coming around. (wheeze) I think I'm getting better. Nope! Getting worse. (gurgling): Getting worse. Oh. Oh, boy. Uh, CPR. I know how to give CPR. No, thank you. Uh, wh-why don't I just try it? And if you hate it, I'll stop. No! Yeah, okay, you're right. Just hold on. I have an idea. What? Wish me luck. Wh-What are you doing? Maybe the bravest and dumbest thing I've ever done. This is for you, Warren Fitzgerald! And you, too, Rudy. Cool. Whoa! (Louise shouting) (screams) Dad! (grunts) Whoa! That was amazing! Hello, sand. You remember these hands? (moans) We're finally done with boobs! Oh, Gene, you're never done with boobs. They're everywhere you look! Mountains, speed bumps... Hell, you just made a nice pair yourself, Cool Breeze. (shouts) You've ruined sand! Tina: Darn it. We still haven't settled this. I don't get it. Why would anyone think I'm a dork? Well, what makes me a dork? Well, um, you're a dork for plesiosaurs. And your comic book. Graphic novel. But, yes, I also dabble in comic books, action figures, and stickers. Yeah. See? Well, you're a dork for horses. Huh, I am. Among other things. Hmm. I guess we're both dorks in our own way. Everyone! I have an announcement. You're probably all wondering how the voting came out in the Tina/Henry dork controversy. Others: No. Well, the verdict is in. I'm a dork. For boys and horses and zombies. And I'm a dork for dinosaurs and my series of graphic novels. I guess I'm a dork for dancing. (grunting) Okay, then I'm a dork for sand. Guess that makes me a dork for boobs. I'm a dork for Ollie. I'm a dork for Andy! And I'm a dork for bargain Chardonnays (quietly): And being asked out by handsome guidance counselors. What about you, Mr. Frond? I'm a dork for getting on the bus on time. Get your buddies and let's go! (quietly): Call me. Oh! If my mom answers, hang up. Oh. We might be dorks for different things, but at our cores, we're all... the same. I made a very good point. Let's all go now. Boys are from Mars, girls are from Venus. I've got a yum-yum, you've got a pen1s. Uh, Linda? What? Ow. What? Uh, we've been talking, and we want you to leave. Wha... (gasps) Really! You want me to leave? Yeah. Well, chant for it. Oh, wait. I'm sorry. That's right. You can't chant! Ha! (wheezing) How many pumps? L-Let me read the instructions. Oh, what, you're worried he's going to breathe too well? Come on! Fine! (inhales deeply, sighs) Thank you. (groans) Buddy. Oh, I hate you. But I love air. So I guess we're stuck together. Let me get a puff of that. Man: Hey! You're not allowed to be in here. What's going on?! Uh, we're, uh... Run! Man: What do we want? Others: Linda gone! When do we want it? Others: Now! Linda Belcher's here to stay! I don't work here anyway! Boo! Oh, my face! (jeering) Louise: Scabs! Scabs are coming! Let's get 'em! They'll do anything for a dollar! (panting): Did you come to surprise us, but then you got caught up in the chanting? Yep. Did Louise get you in trouble with security? Yep. See you at home? Yep. Uh-oh. I'm missing two. Here they are. Two here. (wheezes) Oh. Regular-Sized Rudy, I detect a bit of wheeze. He needs an inhaler every two hours or he'll die. Yeah. I-I heard about that. Oh, uh, here's your vest. (screams) What did you do to it?! It was like this when I got it. Gene! Tina! How was your day? Dorky. Booby. Great, great, glad you had fun. (quietly): I think we're in the clear. Yeah, we got away with it. That's not what you should be taking away from this. Did we get away with it, Rude? Perfect crime. Mmm. I've tasted life, and I'm hungry for more. You do realize you almost made Rudy die. Almost dying is the best part of living. It's called almost-live-dying. (chuckles) So, when you run the restaurant, will you call it Louise's Burgers? I don't know. Maybe. Daddy.