Muscle Woman

(Episode begins with ​Rigby trimming a twig on a hedge)

Rigby: WHOOO! Done! (reveals bush to be square-shaped) In your face, bush! (to Mordecai) Hmph! Hmph! Looks like you've got a ways to go there, guy!

Mordecai: Not as much as Muscle Man over there. ('Muscle Man has a huge heap of a hedge to trim) He barely touched that hedge.

(Muscle Man, obviously sad, tries to cut off a twig from the hedge, but lets go at the last moment and breaks down, crying)

Mordecai: Hey, Muscle Man, we got work to do, remember? (Muscle Man weeps again)

Rigby: Dude, are you crying?

Muscle Man: No! Crying's for ladies! Like you! I don't cry!

(cut to Muscle Man's shower. He is sitting there, crying, naked. Mordecai and Rigby are knocking on his trailer, to no response)

Rigby: Dude, he's been in there for hours.

Mordecai: Muscle Man. Muscle Man! Muscle Man, are you taking a shower so we can't see you crying?

Muscle Man: No! It's... it's just the sound of the water hitting the drain!

Mordecai: Dude, what's wrong with him?

(Hi Five Ghost approaches the trailer)

Hi Five Ghost: His girlfriend, Starla dumped him last night.

Rigby: What? Muscle Man had a girlfriend? I wonder who had more junk in the trunk.

Mordecai: Muscle Man, just come out. We can talk about it if you want.

Muscle Man: No! I don't talk about my feelings with anyone! Leave me alone!

Rigby: No use, man. Let's let Benson deal with him.

(Cuts to outside Skips' garage. Benson is talking to Mordecai and Rigby)

Benson: So it's come to my attention that Muscle Man's been dumped. He can't do his job because, I don't know, he's sad or something. So guess what? You two clowns are gonna pick up his work for today!

Mordecai: Aw, what? I'm always sad.

Rigby: I'm sad right now.

Mordecai: Can we get time off too?

Benson: File a request with human resources.

Rigby: OK, who's the HR guy?

Benson: Me.

Mordecai: So... can we?

Benson: No. OK, let's see what we got here...

(A montage scene begins with fast-paced music)

Benson: Task Number One: Dig out the rotting stumps from the picnic area. Watch out for hornets' nests. (Mordecai and Rigby are wrenching out a stump when a nest of hornets attacks them) Task Number Two: that guy who thinks he's a knight is back. (Brandishing shovels, Mordecai and Rigby are avoiding trash thrown by the knight) He's built a castle out of old mattresses at the creek. Get him out of there! And finally, there's the daily maintenance of the park rock garden. (Mordecai and Rigby are standing on tiny stumps in a manicured sand box, sweeping it carefully.)

Rigby: Augh! This is impossible!

Mordecai: Who knew Muscle Man was responsible for so much stuff? We gotta convince him to start working again.

Rigby: Yeah! Why should we do his work?

Mordecai: Alright, let's do it.

(Mordecai and Rigby jump off the stumps and walk off the sand)

Rigby: I won't miss this job. Raking that sand took...

(They look back and see their hard work ruined by their footprints)

Mordecai and Rigby: Nooooo!

(Cuts to the kitchen in the park house. Muscle Man is at the table eating Muscle Maker 3000 straight out of the jar with a spoon. Mordecai and Rigby enter)

Mordecai: Dude, you gotta snap out of it. Benson is making us do all your work!

Muscle Man: I can't work. I'm busy stuffing my face hole!

Mordecai: Look, I know you're upset, but you gotta move on.

Muscle Man: I'm not upset! I'm... I'm... (Muscle Man breaks down in tears, which soon become high-pitched wails. Mordecai and Rigby watch with eyebrows raised before Mordecai places his wing on Muscle Man's shoulder to comfort him)

Mordecai: Come on, dude. There's plenty of fish in the sea. (Mordecai gets up and follows them from the room)

(Cuts to the grocery store)

Mordecai: Alright, Muscle Man. Grocery stores have tons of available women.

Muscle Man: I don't know, Mordecai. None of these ladies are as hot as Starla.

Mordecai: Dude, man up! Check this out: that girl is single. (A pretty young woman is pushing a shopping cart nearby)

Muscle Man: How can you tell?

Mordecai: Check out her cart. American cheese singles, a single serving of soup, and who buys one banana? And I don't see a ring on that finger. So what are you waiting for? Go get her!

Muscle Man: (Approaching the young woman) Uh, hey, you're a chick. I was wondering if you wanted to... I can't do this! (Muscle Man rips open his shirt to reveal a STARLA tattoo across his chest) This heart beats for another! (Muscle Man falls to the floor and sobs) Starlaaaaa!

(Cuts back to Muscle Man sitting naked in the shower, crying, as Mordecai and Rigby knock on his trailer door)

Mordecai: Muscle Man. Muscle Man!

Rigby: He's never going to come out. There's no way we can help him.

(Hi Five Ghost appears at Mordecai and Rigby's side)

Hi Five Ghost: There is one way. We gotta get him back together with Starla.

(Cuts to the mall. Mordecai, Rigby, and Hi Five Ghost are outside Icy Hot Jewelry & Apparel)

Mordecai: You sure this is where she works?

(Hi Five Ghost nods and they go inside. The store is filled with girls' t-shirts, earrings, and other accessories)

Rigby: Ugh! Everything is all glittery and girl- oof!

(Not watching where he's going, Rigby walks straight into Starla's cleavage and screams in horror)

Starla: Can I help you gentlemen?

Mordecai: Uh, do you know a guy by the name of Muscle Man? Big guy, 'bout your build?

Starla: Yeah, I know him. I dumped that loser.

Mordecai: Yeah, well, he's pretty miserable without you. You should give him another chance.

Starla: Hah! I'm not getting back together with him. That's over now.

(She walks away, but Mordecai looks determined and follows)

Mordecai: Look, I know how Muscle Man can be. He's annoying, he smells, and he pretty much has no common decency for others, but he's still human, and he has feelings. We all do. (Inspirational music starts) We're just fragile beings looking for someone to share something with. To laugh with. To love.

(Starla looks mesmerized and sees Mordecai, looking extra-handsome, in a field of stars, ignoring what he's saying, until...)

Mordecai: ... and that's why I think you should get back together with Muscle Man. Well, I guess we'll be going.

(The trio start to leave, but Starla chases and grabs Mordecai's hand)

Starla: Wait! You. You had such a way with words. Muscle Man never talked to me that way. He didn't like talking about his feelings. But you? You're different.

(Mordecai struggles to release his hand)

Mordecai: Oh... Will you excuse us for a minute?

(The trio go outside the store)

Mordecai: Aw, sick!

Rigby: Ohhhhh! She liked you, she liked you!

Mordecai: Dude, shut up!

Rigby: Dude, you should totally go out with her!

Mordecai: What? Are you serious? I'd rather do Muscle Man's work than date her.

Rigby: Dude, if you just play along with it, you can dump her. Then, she'll go running back to Muscle Man for sure.

Mordecai: Augh! Alright, one date.

(Starla rubs her face and body on the store window, much to Mordecai's disgust)

Rigby: Better make it three or four just to make sure the dumping takes full effect.

Mordecai: Augh! Fine.

(Mordecai goes back inside)

Mordecai: Uh, do you wanna, um, you know, eugh, go...out?

Starla: (throws herself at Mordecai) Yes!

(A montage begins: 1. Starla and Mordecai enjoy tacos from the Taco'Clock truck, Starla gets taco all over her face then accidentally spits it at Mordecai. 2. Mordecai and Rigby are working at the snack bar as Starla bicycles past and blows a kiss, which Mordecai ducks to avoid. 3. Mordecai and Starla attend a baseball game, and as Mordecai tries not to be seen, Starla munches on a turkey leg, before the two of them appear on 'kiss-o-vision on the Jumbotron. Starla tried to kiss Mordecai as he fights her off. 4. At the beach, Starla asks Mordecai to rub lotion on her back and rolls over onto her front. Mordecai sees three names on her back tattooed but scored out: Muscle Man, Steve, and Muscle Man. A fourth name isn't scored out: Mordecai. He runs away and the montage ends)

(Cuts to the Coffee Shop) 

Rigby: Dude, did you dump her yet?

Mordecai: No.

Rigby: Come on, man! Get it over with! I don't wanna do Muscle Man's work anymore. I'm exhausted!

Mordecai: I know, I know. I'll dump her.

(Cuts to inside the coffee shop. Mordecai and Starla are eating pie. Starla has a dreamy look in her eyes while Mordecai looks disgusted. Starla licks her lips suggestively, causing Mordecai to choke slightly and drop his fork)

Mordecai: Look, we gotta talk.

Starla: (gasp) You got some pie on your lip. I'll get it off!

(Starla dives across the table and kisses Mordecai in the beak)

Mordecai: Augh, get offa me! (Mordecai pushes Starla away)

Starla: What's wrong, dumplin'?

Mordecai: I'll tell you what's wrong. I don't like you. ("like you" echoes four times) I don't think we should see each other anymore.

(Mordecai gets up and walks out, while Starla sinks onto her stool, depressed)

(Cuts to outside)

Rigby: Dumped?

Mordecai: Dumped.

Rigby: How'd she take it?

Mordecai: Mmm, she took it well.

(A table launches through the glass window of the coffee shop, sending Mordecai and Rigby scattering. An explosion soon follows, and from the wreckage comes a huge, monster version of Starla with bloodshot eyes. It lets out a blood-curdling roar)

Mordecai and Rigby: (screams)

(Mordecai and Rigby run to the golf cart. Mordecai tries to get it to start)

Mordecai: Come on! Come on, c'mon!

(Starla catches up to the cart and grabs onto the back of it just as Mordecai gets the ignition started)

Rigby: Go! Go!

(The cart weaves down the street as Starla tries to climb to the front)

Mordecai: Hold on!

(Mordecai makes a quick turn and Starla is thrown back onto the road)

Rigby: Yeah, we did it! She just got tr-rashed!

(Starla appears in the side mirror, catching up quickly on foot)

Rigby: Oh no! Go faster! Let's go faster! Step on it!

(Starla barges the cart repeatedly but loses pace as they all enter the park. Here Starla grows to several times her usual height and stamps on the ground, causing ruptures to appear. The cart tumbles down into a pit of lava, with Mordecai and Rigby just leaping from it in the nick of time. Starla follows again, punching the ground to cause another earthquake and destroying dozens of trees. She also destroys the mattress fort down by the creek, causing the man who thinks he's a knight to open a portal to another dimension and escape. Meanwhile the chase continues through the park, destroying the fountain, as Mordecai and Rigby take refuge behind the circus tent)

Rigby: Look out!

(A tree, thrown by Starla, nearly hits Mordecai and Rigby, crushing the tent extension building instead as the duo escape. Starla keeps on throwing trees as a helicopter appears)

Channel 6 News Helicopter Reporter: We're live at the park, where reports of a crazed woman on a rampage...

(Starla launches a boulder at the helicopter. The reporter screams as the helicopter catches fire and plummets to the ground, killing him. Meanwhile, Mordecai and Rigby have made it to Muscle Man's trailer, where they pound the door)

Mordecai: Muscle Man! Your ex's gone crazy and she's wrecking up the park!

(Muscle Man is naked in the shower again)

Muscle Man: Huh?!

Mordecai: Dude, you have to talk to her!

(An approaching appears over Mordecai and Rigby's heads as they gasp in horror. It's Starla, dive-bombing the trailer. The duo dive out of the way just in time. Starla chases them on. Muscle Man, wrapped in a towel, emerges from the trailer bathroom to find his home ripped in half.)

Muscle Man: Starla?

(Cuts to the house. Mordecai and Rigby are inside blocking the door as Starla tries to batter the door down with a streetlight post)

Mordecai: I guess this is it.

(The door comes crashing in and Mordecai and Rigby hit the floor. Starla's eyes are glowing red with fury.)

Starla: Mordecai!

(Mordecai moans in fear, but Muscle Man appears through the hole where the door used to be)

Muscle Man: Babe! I can't stand to see you like this. You gotta stop!

(Starla groans angrily in response)

Muscle Man: Oh... I guess I'll just go.

Mordecai: Dude, Muscle Man! She's right there! Say something to her!

Muscle Man: (nervous mumble) I think you're foxy when you break things.

(Starla groans angrily again)

Mordecai: No! From here. (Mordecai points to his heart)

Muscle Man: (sigh) Starla?

(Starla turns around to face Muscle Man)

Muscle Man: I can understand you're upset. When I look at you, I think of someone I know. Someone who is fragile and vulnerable deep down. Someone who has feelings. That someone is me. Mitch Sorenstein.

Starla: Huh?

Rigby: (chuckles) His name's Mitch?

Muscle Man: I've been so upset since you left me, baby. You're the light of my life. The fire that burns in my heart. The one. Starla. Will you be my Muscle Woman?

Starla: Mitch...? Oh, Mitch!

Muscle Man: Starla!

(Starla and Muscle Man run to each other in slow-motion)

Starla: Miiiiitch!

Muscle Man: Staaaarlaaaa!

(The couple collide into each other in a sea of flab, and we are treated to a close-up of their french kissing.)

Mordecai and Rigby: Aw, sick!

Starla: Aw, Mitch! I've never heard you talk about your feelings before!

Muscle Man: You know who else doesn't like to talk about her feelings? My Mom!

Starla: (laughs) Oh, Mitch! You have the best sense of humor.

(Starla jumps into Muscle Man's arms, and he carries her down the stairs away from the house)

Muscle Man: Aw yeah, baby. You know I love it when you destroy property. (They kiss again)

Mordecai: As much as I wanna vomit right now, those two were made for one another.

Rigby: This was the most disturbing day of my life.

Mordecai: Yeah. Maybe we should have just done Muscle Man's chores.

[Episode ends]