Ain't Miss Debatin'

1 This Joe is barely sloppied. Waiter! Guys, don't look now, but Henry Haber and Todd are walking this way and they're wearing suit jackets. - Narcs! - Oh, hi, Todd, hi, Henry. So, small talk. Uh, what about it? Just getting it out of the way. Tina, how'd you like to join the debate team? Debate? Why me? We have to have at least one girl and our last one quit to focus on spelling bee. O-U-C-H. Anyway, uh, we need another girl and thought of you almost immediately. Well, I'm flattered. But I'm pretty slammed with social commitments. I'm on-again off-again with Jimmy Jr., and I think I'm about to hit a sweet patch of on-again. Where is he, anyway? He was maybe gonna sit here. Tamica, look, I can kiss my elbow. - (groaning) - Cool. And you're off again. Ugh, so now we're elbow kissing everyone? Okay, looks like my schedule might be wide open, actually. I don't have to talk in debate, right? - I have a fear of public speaking. - Oh, boy. - - MR. DeSANTO: Welcome to - our newest debater, Tina. - Thanks, Mr. DeSanto. You know most of these jokers. Larry's our policy ace, Zach's a research machine, and Todd's a ninja with sarcasm. Sarcasm, huh. Any good? (sarcastic): No, I'm terrible. - Oh, that's too bad. - Ugh, I was doing it! All right, tomorrow's debate topic is: "Should the U. S. switch to the metric system?" Oh, fun, I love the metric system. I give it a ten out of ten. (chuckling) Get it? Everything's ten? Uh, tough luck, kiddo. We've been assigned the negative, against it. But shouldn't we argue for what we really believe? - (boys laugh) - Guys, guys. Tina, pretending to strongly believe in something that you don't is great preparation for being, like, a lawyer, or a stepdad. I guess I might be one of those some day. You just have to stuff down your feelings and stop believing in anything. I think I can do that. I mean, I don't think I can, but I'm pretending I can. Now you're getting it! Aw, my talky Tina joined the debate team? - You gonna miss her? - Yes. It throws off our whole after-school play routine. Usually we just do the opposite of what Tina wants to do and it's fun. This is gonna sound crazy, but you guys could get started on your homework. (laughing): Yeah that does sound crazy, Dad. - BOB: Mm. - It's not due till tomorrow, buddy. Plus I don't even know where my backpack is. - Whoa. Gene! - Oh, whoopsie. GENE: Yes I see it, Dad, thanks. Oh, my God, now we have to throw out ten pounds of hamburger meat. Um, can we have it? Why would you want that? I don't know, I just I want it. - I don't think that's a - Please? We won't ask for any meat for Christmas this year. Let 'em have the meat, Bob. - Let 'em play with it. - Fine. Y-You know you have to wash your hands after you play with it, right? I mean, technically meat's not a toy. I'm gonna bring it in the tub. Everything's a toy in there. MR. DeSANTO: Tina, how you doing on that list of tongue twisters? Getting your speed up? Your articulation? I'm still stuck on the first one. "Ten tongue twisters. " That one's not actually a you know what? I'm gonna hand you over to our top debater, Henry. (sighs) Fine. So we're both excited, that's great. Now we need to find some passion in your delivery. What really gets you going? You mean what makes me tick? What makes you tick-tick-tick explode? Think of things that get you mad. I think of when they canceled Firefly. You try. (sighs) I guess it makes me mad that they call it your bottom when it's in the middle. - Okay. - Or why do horseshoes only come in one style? Why can't they have horse sandals? Find your Firefly, come on. I got a Canadian quarter in change. It's worthless unless I take a special trip to Canada to buy gum. (groans) You'll get there. Look, a meat-eor. - Eh, I guess it's just a meatball. - That's great. But what do you think about this? - Hubba hubba. - We need a picture. - Gene, go get Mom's phone. - On it! Got it! All you have to do is ask Mom a math question and she says, "Here, there's a calculator on the phone. - Don't make me do math!" - Great. - (camera shutter sound) - Give me sassy. Now give me classy. Now gassy. Wait a minute. (chuckles) - Gene, stop-motion! - Okay, now what? No, if we move him a little and take another picture, and keep doing it, we can make a movie. Meat-mation! Oh, my God, this is the most exciting thing we've ever done! Okay. Reposition very slightly, another click, reposition And now I'm bored. And if we adopt the metric system, when someone says "Thanks a ton," you won't actually know how much they're thanking you. Oh, my God, she's a dud. She's a dud, she is a dud. (whispers): Find your Firefly. I mean (slow motion): Tamica, look, I can kiss my elbow. (groans) T-The metric system is dumb! We already have grams, they're called "grandmas" and mine lives in Florida, thank you. And if she has to learn kilometers she's gonna get lost and never make it back to the condo. This is America, damn it, and we're the leader of the free world, not the liter. - U-S-A! U-S-A! - (bell dings) Whoa. Counterpoint wow. She's amazing. And then you brought up foot-long hot dogs, which was great. And then you pointed out that inchworms were cute, but centipedes were gross. - And then you're so beautiful. - Um, what? Uh, it's-- debate exercise. Proposition, uh, we should go on a date. You take pro, I'll take con. Go. But dating isn't debatable. Everything's debatable. Okay, um, we should go on a date because Pro: we both live on land. Con: people find me annoying. Pro: oh, we're not related to each other. Con: I get really, uh, bad haircuts. Pro: You don't have a rat tail; that's my deal-breaker. Con: I have a rare kind of contagious acne. Um, um, um, um, pro: bears are less likely to attack two people than one. Okay, I give up, I concede, you win. We should go on a date. Damn, I even convinced myself. I'm that good. Then it's settled. Shake. Sundown is at 6:43, so my telescope and I will be there at 6:44. Only Ursa Minor will be visible, but we'll still have Ursa major fun. Got it, you'll show up or not show up. I've been on dates before, I know how they work. No, Tina, I'll be there. In fact, let me give you an emergency contact number because if I don't show up,, you can assume I'm dead. Wow, I've never had this for sure of a date. See you tonight. Unless I see you first. Wait, uh, never mind, that doesn't Well? Entertained? It's the best movie of meat dancing and then its head falling off that I've ever seen. Since Magic Mike. That's what you kids have been doing for two days? We had a technical delay while we figured out how to delete all the photos off your phone. What? It was just a bunch of pictures of your kids. But this is just the sizzle reel for the movie we want to make, - with a proper budget of $50 to $60. - No. We've broken it out. It's all gotta-haves, and no-wanna-haves. Every dollar ends up on that screen. "On set masseuse, preferably named Bruce"? Gotta-have! Let me tell you a little more about the hero, huh, Dad? Really not necessary. Meat Man's a survivor. No, he's not fancy, he's just a proud, independent, hamburger man. Hmm. A hamburger man. And when he talks, people listen. Especially his kids. His super hot kids. Does this meat man have a name? Yes, it's "Meat Man. " - I like that. - Yeah. I don't know, I'm not seeing it. Let's talk about the steamy girlfriend, Lorna. Ooh, Lorna. She's the brains. She's also the wild card. Her singing voice shatters diamonds! I love it, I love it, I love it! - (doorbell rings) - Oh, the door. I don't want to miss anything. Stop talking to each other. Bonjour, Mrs. Belcher, I'm picking up Tina for a date. That's nice, who's Tina going on a date with? - Me. - Oh. TINA: Hi, Henry. I'm almost ready. Come on up. Going up and everything, huh? Look at that. Hello, Mr. Belcher. How are sports? (chuckles) Uh, they're-they're fine, I guess. Excellent. Gene, Louise. How are your studies? Someone did his research. Yep, he has my blessing. So Henry seems to be here. Uh, what's going on with that? Henry's thoughtful and attentive. Other than my total lack of attraction to him, - he's perfect boyfriend material. - He is? Well, I mean he's made out of the same material as a boyfriend. Well, I guess you solved romance. Yeah. Phew. So that was fun, Henry. I mean, sort of. Sorry if I was a telescope hog. No, you gave me a peek there near the end. I got the idea. - Stars, right? - Yeah, planets. And here we are back at my door. 20 minutes after we left. So at the end of dates is when I hear kisses occur. And we're at the end of the date, therefore, we should probably Uh, rebuttal, we have to debate with these mouths. Don't want to risk injury, right? God, I love it when you're debatey. LOUISE: Okay, genre-wise, this is straight up action-adventure, Rom-com, costume, drama, buddy movie. Oh, I love those. LOUISE: So in this shot, Meat Man and Lorna scream through the Moscow streets avoiding rogue CIA agents till they get to the one person he trusts, Poopov. Uh, can anyone do a Russian accent? - I can. - Vodka. - Da, da. - All good, all good. - Uh, I guess Dad. - Damn it! (with accent): "At last we meet, Meat Man. " Is anyone else hearing Dracula? - (normal voice): Um, Louise? - Yeah, hon? How can I help? Do you really want that double meat in there? You have "meet Meat?" Oh, wow, that's a good point. Thanks. Maybe we change it to: (with accent): "At last we are face-to-face " Let's cut it since you don't want to say it. They'll communicate with a look, let's go. - A-A look? - Mm-hmm. Nice going, hot shot, you lost your line. Roll camera and action. (wheels squeaking, clattering) They exchange a look, and cut. We're moving on to Cairo. Are zoos humane? Well, my anaconda don't want none. Yeah! Oh, yeah! Put boys and girls in separate classes? Is this middle school or the Middle Ages? (whispers): I'm dating her. And that, my fellow Americans, is why we should eat dog. - (dramatic news theme plays) - Hey, it's Jocelyn. I'm here with Mr. DeSanto, who coaches the debate team, which I think is gymnastics? That's right, Jocelyn. This weekend we go against King's Head Island. And if we win we'll be bringing home the first trophy - for the Wagstaff trophy case. - You mean the turtle tank? MR. DeSANTO: Well, it's supposed to be a trophy case. But there are turtles in it. Which is going to change! We are gonna be bringing home the iron. But where will the turtles live? I don't f-- I don't know. I don't know. Just don't make it about the turtles, Jocelyn. Okay, guys, this is a debate team away match overnight. - So bring your medication - Mm-hmm. - your mouth guards, nasal strips - Yep. Nasal strips. whatever you need to have a good night's sleep - Mm-hmm. - for a strong debate. Also, we have received our topic. "Should a robot be president?" Classic. Logic or emotion. The old head versus heart. Hope you guys can prep for the debate with all those smoochatunities on the overnight. - (laughs) - Please. Kissing's overrated. Why lock lips when you can lock grips, right? Mm. Here's a tape of King's Head against Bog Harbor. They've got only one non-crappy debater, - Sasha Whiteman. - TINA: Oh, I know Sasha. He's tricky and preppy. Treppy? Pricky? He'll have to be tricky 'cause the rest are stiffs. This guy gets stress hiccups. This girl's braces lock up. This Duncan guy is from New Zealand, and no one can understand him. Rebuttal, yeah. Where I'm from we call it buttle rubbies. Whoa. Uh, could-could we, uh, roll back to Duncan? - DUNCAN: Buttle rubbies. - And roll back again. - I don't get it. - Buttle rubbies. And again. - Buttle rubbies. - Uh, why are we doing this? - Uh, and one more time. - Last time. - Buttle rubbies. - And again. - What? - Buttle rubbies. - Can you zoom? - I can't zoom. - Zoom and enhance. - Enhance doesn't exist. - Uh, and freeze frame. - All right, Tina. Come on, let's start debate prepping, girlfriend. What?! Oh, right. (chuckles) We're dating. It all came rushing back. I'm just prewired for long-necked boys with thick accents and/or speech impediments. She likes them not quite a man and hard to understand. - It stinks. - I know, sweetie. No, something actually smells bad. (sniffs) Ugh. It's Meat Man. He's not getting any younger under these lights. Oh, boy. The meat is turning gray. Makeup. - Best I can do. - (sighs) I can't break up with Henry right before the big debate. It'll kill him and we'll lose, which will kill him again. Listen, you're in, you're out. 24 hours. And then Monday let Henry down as gently as you can, like I did with Hugo. You sang a break-up song on his answering machine. It was a rap, Bob. Tina, honey, just keep your head in the game, and don't even look at this Duncan boy. Avoid. Avoid. Got it. Avoid mixing with Duncan. Okay, guys, mix it up. What do you say we go over there and get in their faces? You know, intimidate them in a polite way. Great idea, Habes. Really get in their faces, like an inch away. I'm drinking wine. I'm off school property. (laughs) Or-Or, rejoinder, we keep our distance and ignore them. That always chaps my hide. Tina Belcher. I heard that voice, and I knew it either had to be Tina Belcher or the saddest bird in the world. - Hi, Sasha. Hello. - Hi. (whispering): Closer. Intimidate. Uh Tina, you seem to have noticed Duncan, our exchange student from somewhere. - New Zealand. - Right. It's so far away that Duncan went through puberty on the plane. It's true. I got pit scrubbies and other scrubbies, a couple of chesties. Oh, a new one. Want one? Um, one of your chesties? Yeah. They just twist off. Want me to twist you off a chestie? Yes? I-I mean no. No. No. - Sasha, you want one? - Yeah, I'll take one. No worries, here you go. That's my best one. No worries. That's what you say when there aren't worries, right? But-But when there are worries, what do you say, "Worries"? (laughs nervously) Duncan. Uh, King's Head huddle. Tina is super freaky for Duncan. I'm calling an audible. Duncan, you'll be my number two tomorrow against Henry and Tina. Brenda, you're benched. - But - Brenda, shush. - We're going with the debate candy. - I'm not a good debater. Just be you. And if you can figure out a way to take off your shirt during the debate, do it. Just use my arms, right? Fun mixer. I-I'm gonna go prep for the debate. You know, I think Duncan's gonna body surf right outside the hotel windows to clear his brain. Oh, I'll go get my togs on then. You probably call them swimmies. I don't care. Bye. DUNCAN: That wave was a dumper. I almost lost my togs. - You could nearly see my bum. - (nervous grunting) - (phone rings) - Hello? Tina, the sunset is gorgeous down here. You need help toweling off, Dunc? Is no one gonna help Duncan towel off? Really? It's so simple. He's wet, make him dry. I know what you're doing, Sasha. You're not gonna get me down to the beach. (phone rings) SASHA: Just calling you back real quick to let you know that Duncan is being so self-deprecatingly charming right now. He's the center of attention, but also a little bit alone. No one gets him. - There. - (alarm ringing) Oh, no, someone pulled the fire alarm. Everybody down to the beautiful beach. Whoops. All better. Whoops. All better. Whoops. All better. Whoops. Oh, my God. Meat man's a mess. Yeah, I don't think the love scene's believable anymore. Lorna wouldn't kiss that old meat. Oh, it's a little late in the day to start talking about things Lorna wouldn't do. Look, I'll kick in another ten pounds of hamburger for a new meat man. You mean recast? But he's been with us since the beginning. He knows the part. He's just a piece of meat. "Just a piece of meat"? Wow. That's kind of rough, Linda. Yeah, you should hear yourself. Okay. Sorry. Sorry, Meat Man. (in deep voice): That's okay. False alarm, everybody can go back in. Probably a prank, a super-cool prank. I'm going in. I-I got to go find an extension cord for my sleep apnea machine. - Yeah, I'm gonna go in, too oh! - Oh! SASHA: Oh, look at that. You guys bumped into each other. I'm gonna go inside, bye. Oh, hi. Didn't see you there. A crab bit me on my clacker. Um. That's nice. Just taking in the view. The lights look pretty on the water, huh? Yeah. You know, in New Zealand, we don't say, "Turn off the light," we say, "Turn on the dark. " Son of a bitch. Mwah. Oh! I got to go. Wait, wait, I got to check something. Mwah. Uh, yeah, I was right. (nervous grunting) - Uh, no worries. - No. Worries. HENRY: Did you do those tongue exercises last night? What, no. It was just a little peck. Oh, uh, yeah, yeah. (chuckles) All limber. LINDA: Oh, my God, now we got flies. It's disgusting. Shoo. Shoo. Oh, I-I think I swallowed one. (coughs) It's flying back up. (coughs) Louise, we've got to wrap this up. I know, I know. I've got a new ending, okay? Instead of the last 15 sequences, we just blow Meat Man up with a bunch of firecrackers I got from Teddy. Bang! Fade out, roll credits. The whole time he's been looking for the bomb, and it's in his butt! That's crazy. The meat would go everywhere. And Teddy, you shouldn't give my kids fireworks. Bob, on the set I like to be the solution guy, not the here's-why-we-can't guy. But there is something kind of perfect about it. - I say we do it. - And I say you don't. Hugo? - And Ron. - And Ron. Sorry, Ron. When I arrived for a surprise health inspection, I expected to find beaucoup violations, but not you people about to explode rotted meat all over the restaurant. But we need an end for our movie. Well, I could care movie? Should a robot be president? Tina Belcher of Wagstaff will give the First Negative. (microphone whines) (clears throat) No, we should not have a robot president be-kiss I-I-I mean because it wouldn't be smooch, I mean smart. In the words of President Abraham Duncan I-I-I mean Duncan Lincoln. I mean, damn it, I-I-I kissed Duncan last night. - (audience gasps) - Oh, no, it can't be. Oh, yeah. Right. I'm sorry, Henry. You're using our First Negative to tell me you kissed Duncan? And to break up with you. (in high-pitched voice): And to break up with me? Oh. We're dead. We are dead. I guess you can debate what you don't believe, but you can't date what you don't believe. - Anyway, robot president, um - (bell dings) Oh, out of time. I like kissing, you know? I'm always keen for a kiss. Should I talk about the robot? A robot prezzy could turn into a plane. No need for Air Force One, then. - He is Air Force One. - (bell dings) You know how long it'll take me to find another girlfriend? (crying) HUGO: Okay, how about this? Instead of blowing up, Meat Man just drives away, and everyone knows that's the last they'll ever see of him. That's a terrible ending. It's how the movie Drive ended. - Ron cried. - I did. No, no, the only ending that makes any sense is the explosion. You-You die how you live. Scarface, Easy Rider, Butch and Sundance. Curious George. He was a little too curious. Okay, fine, but you deep clean afterwards, and I get grateful acknowledgment in the credits, plus a swag bag. We're doing it, we're doing it. Explode that sweet meat. Anybody else with a phone, get it out. We want multiple angles. Okay, Teddy, cue firecrackers. Roger. We do this shot once, people. Roll camera! Maybe a mistake. I've got old meat inside my headphone jack. Worth it! Should a robot be president? Head or heart? Logic or emotion? Take a look at the Wagstaff team to see what emotions get you. (shuddering) Let's keep emotions where they belong, in off-Broadway shows that my uncle finances. Robots have no emotions; they'll keep us safe. Should a robot be president? Hell yes. - Hell yes! - (bell dings) I nailed it, we're gonna win. Rejoinder, Tina Belcher, Wagstaff. (whines) Henry, I know I wasted valuable debate minutes breaking up with you, but you're still my debate partner, and I think maybe we can win this thing. Let's talk about so-called logic. I started dating Henry because it seemed logical to try a reliable, but not-remotely-my-type guy. - (groans) - Sorry, Henry. But it was the wrong decision. I was using my head to do something that it couldn't handle by itself. The brain needs the heart and the heart needs the brain. I want a president with both those things, with feelings, and lips and a butt and boobs if it's a woman. - Humans for president. - (bell dings) Oh, crap. She's still amazing. (mutters incoherently) Winner, Wagstaff. Oh, my God, we won! That's us, right? Aren't we the Waggies? When do you go back to New Zealand? I live here now. I've moved here. - Well, you're not welcome. - Aw, that's not right. - Sorry about everything, Henry. - It's okay. You made some good points up there. And I didn't even think I'd go on a date until grad school, so I'm way ahead, according to Haber-metrics. There's someone out there for you. And that's not up for debate. (sighs) Great summation. LINDA: Watch out, Meat Man. It might be a trap! LOUISE: Don't worry, we'll meat again - So you broke up with poor Henry, huh? - Yeah. I guess you just can't talk yourself into love. I can talk myself into anything. I like salad now! Here comes the boffo ending, Dad. - (sniffles): It's beautiful. - Yeah. Aw, Bob. You identify with Meat Man. (sniffs) I just think it's a good movie, Lin. Everybody does. It's the best movie. Uh, Mom, you have old meat in your ear. That's collectible. Save it. (action music playing) Meat Man BOB: Does this meat man have a name? LOUISE: Yes. It's Meat Man. Meat Man BOB: I like that. GENE: "Just a piece of meat"? Meat Man Wow. LOUISE: Meat Man's a survivor. No, he's not fancy. He's just a proud, independent hamburger man. And when he talks, people listen. Meat Man!