Daddy Queerest

Your daughter is gorgeous. Bone structure. This is such an interesting piece. Boner structure. Reminder There's sponge cake and/or cheese in the piano room. That sounds delightful! Okay, I've got a good joke. What's the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot? That's just the setup, honey. A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball. Because it's more important to find a golf ball than to please our wives! Looks like the health care bill is mired in the senate again. - Oh, God, they did it again? - Oh, come on! I don't think our health care system can be reformed. Oh, really? Why not? Uh-huh What? You caught me! I have no idea. I just say stuff sometimes. Look, everyone Her dress is see-through! How come every time we go to a party you push me in the pool! Everyone's always afraid to be the first one in the pool. You're that girl You're the party starter. My purse tampons were floating in the water! People were impressed by how big they got. Francine embarrassed you again, huh? Klaus, she's terrible in social situations. She doesn't know when to laugh, she talks about things she doesn't know about. You know, Stan, she's the reason you never get invited to fancy events. Like Bullock's cocktail parties. Exactly! Bullock always has dignitaries and heads of state there. Like, I bet if I was married to Helen Mirren, we'd get invited. She'd wear her silver mane up, showing off that sophisticated neck. A bobby pin would fall out, and a rebellious lock would cascade down. I'd get in real close and whisper "You have a loose hair, hellcat. " Dudes! Vince Chung's throwing a bonfire beneath the water tower tomorrow night, and get this Anyone can come, as long as they bring booze or girls! My sister's a girl! Yeah, but they have to be prettier than Leelee Sobieski. Then we shall gain our entry with booze. A kid from Hebrew school told me about a guy named Warren who hangs out in the alley behind liquor time and buys kids beer. Excellent! We'll go after school. So, you're still doing that whole Hebrew thing, huh? Yes, Steve! It's who I am! It's everything to me! This is interesting, Francine. Congress is in session now. In. So if we're at a party, say, and someone asks whether it's in or not, you'll know that it is in. Oh, and look at this It says energy drinks for women are the hottest thing in a cool, pink can What am I doing? I'm reading an ad. Knock, knock. Sorry to interrupt. - Hi, Libby! - I just got a call. My father's coming into town and will be staying with us for a few days. - That sounds nice. - Yeah, yeah, should be great fun. Oh, also, he doesn't know I'm gay. If I could keep a few things over here while he's in town, that'd be great. Our mapplethorpe prints, our baby, this new drawing I did of Burt Reynolds - It's unfinished. Don't finish it. - Terry, this is insane. Okay, the kitchen door entrance is supposed to be just family. We've been together for nine years, we have a baby you have to tell your father! You don't understand, okay? You don't know what it's like being the son of Tank Bates. Wait. Tank Bates is your father? The all-pro fullback for the Washington Redskins Tank Bates? Yes. That's why he's coming into town. They're retiring his jersey. Theismann pitches out to Bates, Bates comes around the end, the offensive line clears a hole, he leaps over the top, and he's short! He's stopped at the one-yard line! Oh, it's okay, they scored on the next play Quarterback sneak. Football! Catch the fever! Terry, Greg is right. You don't want Libby to grow up thinking being gay is something to be ashamed of, do you? As her godmother, I'll be there to support you all the way. You know what? You're right. It's time I tell my father the truth. Hey, you mind if come over and toss the ol'pigskin around with your dad before you tell him you're a banana crammer? He probably won't feel like it after. I don't see him. Just some kids. We all see the kids, Steve! God! There he is. Excuse me? Are you Warren? Help you boys get loaded? You're the guy who buys booze for kids?! Sure. It's a great way to make money. That's how I bought my boom box, that's how I bought my dog, Pepper, and that's how I bought this folding chair that turns into a backpack. I put it on, and I'm completely mobile. Great! - We'd like liquor, please. - All right, be right back. If some little girl with a bruise on her cheek comes by and says this is her dog, it is. Pepper is stolen. Terry, don't worry. It'll be fine. Oh, God. Oh, God. Sweetie, you can do this. Hey there, kid. Hi, Dad. He's so big! Sorry I'm late. Traffic was I have something to tell, and if I don't do it right now I might never be able to. All right. What is it? You see I I'm This is my girlfriend Francine and we had this baby out of wedlock, and I didn't tell you because I knew you wouldn't approve. And who are they? That's Stan and Greg, the homos from across the street. Morning. How'd you sleep? Terrible. Is that the first couch ever made? I can't believe Terry! That is my house and my partner and my baby! And here I am, living out of an overnight bag in a tear-down across the street! - Good morning, Mr. Bates. - Morning. You know, I was just wondering what the hell this is. Oh, it's Terry's. He Our sex last night was so satisfying. When I entered you that was divine! I've slept on it, and I've decided I can accept this. Even though you had this baby out of wedlock, I know you'll do the right thing and get married. Yes, of course we will. Finally make an honest women out me. Her. Out of her. Francine, you need to come home. Greg won't stop being snarky. Please be patient, Stan. Terry said he'll tell his father He's just waiting for the right moment. Look at him. He's just gonna float away. Float away like a fairy. Look at him. Carrying those heavy trash cans like a girl. He probably wishes that rock was a big, naked man. Yeah, whistle a show tune, you drag queen! - What a day. Where's dinner? - At the store. I don't cook, Stan We'll just have to go out to dinner. But It's a weekday. That's once-in-a-while- on-weekends talk! - Straight women don't ask for much. - They really don't Use coasters now and again and don't whizz in the shower on her birthday. Have you seen Steve? I want to see his face when I tell him the midget who acted inside of R2-D2 died. Love it, love everything about it. But he's out at a party. I bought him so much beer! Roger, you can't buy beer for Steve! He's only 14. Maybe I didn't make myself clear. I did it for $12 profit. - Director Bullock! - Smith. Hi. Greg Corbin. Stan's neighbor. From Action News! Of course! You and your partner Terry are great. I had several gay experiences when I was in boarding school. Nothing too big, just some boyish night poundings. What a coincidence! That's my favorite vintage! Would you like to join us for a glass, director Bullock? I suppose I could stay for one glass. And Heisenberg's wife was unhappy, because when her husband had the time, he didn't have the energy. And when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum. See? Because of his wife I don't even know! You know, Stan, this is very last-minute, but I'm having a small cocktail party tomorrow night. Would you and Greg care to come? Say it loud and there's music playing Say it soft And it's almost like praying Maria I'll never stop saying Maria Excellent way to express joy. See you both tomorrow night, then. I finally got invited to a Bullock party! I'm in the big leagues now! My Helen Mirren, my little queen! I'm just calling to tell you this will all be over soon. I locked Terry and Tank in the den. They're not going anywhere until Terry tells him the truth. I got to go! Here's my credit card! Put $30 on it That's what I feel like I owe. Terry? I hope you're talking to your father in there. Talking to me about what? Well, I need to tell you something. What are you doing? - What's going on? What's been said? - Not much. Terry's crazy broad locked us in here. It was pretty quiet until I flipped to Skinemax. Just father and son sitting around and watching a guy plow a girl. You only like this 50%, huh, fairy? I like this 100%. See what he's like? Francine, I appreciate you trying, but I am never telling him. I don't know what I was thinking. Thank god Stan burst in when he did. - Why did you do that?! - Do what? Test the ax that could save our lives in a fire? Oh, I don't know, maybe 'cause I care a whole hell of a lot! I mean, I try so hard and you try so little, and I just I don't know. You're prettier than all your sisters. Roger, Steve could be dead. He could be What up, you ass-face bitches? You stupid-ass. Well, hello, potty mouth. So I guess the party was pretty good, then? S' awesome! I made out with a girl I met at this place I went to after to get some late-night za and da. Za and? Pizza and soda. When you're drunk, you don't have time for the beginning of words. All you care about is ood and oonani. You're fun hammered! I swear, that's the first time you've genuinely made me laugh. You guys want to meet her? Come on in, baby! She's so heinous! What have I done? Oh, Hayley, you were right. Minors should never drink alcohol. I see that now. Eat my mouth. I will make up for what I have done if it takes the rest of my life. Still wet, still wet. You don't have toenails. Hello, I'm Roger. I like to pretend! Come on! Your book was so inspiring, Mr. Mandela. - It made me want to become journalist. - I am so happy it spoke to you. I don't know what book he's talking about, but I love your movies. Especiallythe bucket list. Whew, it got me. It got me. - Stan, I think you're mistaken. - Aren't you Morgan Freeman? This is Nelson Mandela. Why did you think I was calling him Mr. Mandela? I thought it was one of Freeman's many nicknames, like captain Morgan or Freckles. Freckles, you want to hear a joke? Do they have jokes in your country, or is it just sadness all the time? Are you sad right now? He pushed me in the pool. Oh, my god. I'm his Francine! Drink to dull your shame? Piggy wants two drinks. Drink it, piggy. Does it taste good, pig? Hey, plus one! You remember me, the person that you came here with? Who's the old guy? Stan Smith, this is Elie Wiesel, Nobel winning author of Night and founder of You're a son of a bitch, you know that? Stan, please You're embarrassed of me! Admit it! Don't touch me! - Don't ever touch me! - Stan, you're making a scene. That is not a scene. You want You want a scene? Here's your scene! Hope you can swim, weasel! It's Wiesel. And yes, I can. Well, you don't have to worry about me embarrassing you ever again! Where's my wife? Francine, I need you to come home right now. Greg was mean to me. What are you talking about, fruit loop? She's Terry's girlfriend. No, she's not. She's my wife! Greg is Terry's boyfriend! - What? - Terry and Greg are in love! Your son is gay! See? That's not how a straight guy faints. This is how a straight guy faints. Where am I? What happened? You outed Terry to his father, then passed out, woke up, puked and stumbled into the bushes! My dad's upstairs packing. He didn't say a word. He looked at me, like he was envisioning all the guys I ever had sex with, every late night massage, every back alley zipper fight, every Frasier cast party, every Honda test drive with Daryl. Everybody calm down. I'll talk to Tank. I know what he's feeling. I used to think like him. Scared of the intimate man dance. And there's always an underlying reason for this kind of thing. You have to figure out what it is. I'm sorry I told you your son was gay. But deep down, you must have known. - So this is a good thing. - No, I had no idea. This is terrible. But While you think it's terrible, you're still glad your son's happy. Although While you don't care about your son's feelings, you realize that your prejudice is based in ignorance? No, I understand it. I just don't like it. However While you may understand it and not like it, you're sad that your son was unhappy and kept this secret from you for so long. No. I'm happy I didn't know. I wish I'd never known. Be that as it may You think it's a choice, and you didn't realize that people are born that way. No. I know it's not a choice, and it still sickens me. Francine, you want to jump in here? Any time, sweetheart. Dad, please No, I'm going to a hotel until my jersey retirement ceremony. You are no longer welcome. He's fine. He's probably just wondering how two guys can do it. He'll calm down when I explain it's like cramming together two puzzle pieces - that don't quite fit. - Shut up, Stan! You've done enough. They're fine. I can't believe you! She's fine. I just need to figure out the reason for Tank's hatred. I got it! I know why Tank is reacting this way! - I'm sorry, are you talking to me? - What? Oh, no, I was just having an out loud realization. Would you like me to fill you in on what it was No, thanks. I've a lot of stuff going on in my own life right now. What's he got going on that's so important? And my Megan, she would have been 19 years old today. Thank you, Mrs. Holliday. Your last name is very misleading, given your tragic circumstances. And now our last speaker from Madd, Warren Beanstock. I recognize a lot of faces here today. I've bought alcohol for many of you. But no more! I've changed my ways. I now understand what a terrible epidemic underage drinking is. 67% of young people who drink before the age of 15 will try an illicit drug. Last year, 21% of underage drivers killed in accidents were intoxicated. And 96% of you will wind up making out with a girl of this caliber. Roger, I can't believe you did this to me! You'll feel better after a few beers. Come on, let's go get drunk. You're driving. Today we retire the jersey of a heck of a guy and a hell of a football player. It's an honor to be here with Tank Bates, all-pro fullback for the Washington Redskins! In his rookie season, Tank rushed for over a thous Tank Bates is a homosexual! This is your plan to reunite me and my father? Yeah, it totally makes sense. But my dad's not gay! Yes, he is. That's why he can't accept you, because he can't accept himself. Like Kevin Spacey. In K-Pax. I'm not gay! You see how scared he is of being judged? Come on people, show your support! I am not gay! It's true. He's a notorious womanizer. He slept with all the cheerleaders, the coach's daughter and You're gonna love this My wife. Last week. Shattered our family. And here I am, shaking his hand. I'm an embarrassment. But I need to work. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Okay, fine. But if 50,000 people were willing to accept you when they thought you were gay, don't you think you should give your own son a chance? You think I care what these drunken slobs think? They'll cheer for anything! Watch. I just had a beer fart! Dad, I'm sorry to do this here, but I'm gay. That's who I am. And this is who I'm with. Greg is my partner, we have a child together, we're a family. I want you to be part of it, but only if you can accept me for who I am. I can't. It's wrong and I want nothing to do with it. Brenda, don't. You're breaking my heart. How could you do this? How could you bring us here? How could you be so stupid? - How could you - Now, hold on a minute. Sure, Stan took something extremely private and made it into a public spectacle, but he was just trying to help. He may act like an idiot, but it comes from a good place. That should count for something. It counts! It counts for a lot! See that? She loves him for who he is, in spite of his many, many, many faults. If he can't accept you for who you are, then you don't need him in your life. Get him out of your life! No, I don't need him in our life. All's well! You stood up for me. Even though I acted like a complete fool. Of course. You're my husband. My idiot husband. Rudy. He did it! He got in the game for one play and made a tackle! OK. What's the difference between a priest and a watch? - That wasn't the punch line. - Joke's over, fellow, the lady laughed, move on.