The Wedding (Mike & Molly)

Previously on Mike & Molly: Daddy? Might want to steer clear of my house. Your ex is in town and he's staying with us. - So Jack's here? - I'm guessing I'll be spending most of the reception trying to keep my mom's foot out of my dad's ass. Well, this is my wedding, and that means that nobody gets to be crazier than me. Looks like we might need to let this out just a smidge. No you won't I am just a few pounds from my target weight, and I am going to drop those last six pounds easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Those six pounds will be your bitch. Remember not to stay in the saddle the whole time. Move up and down and lift with your core. Molly! Mike! Listen, you don't have to squeeze into some wedding dress to look perfect to me. You're already the most beautiful woman in the world. I love you. I love you, too. I love you, Christina. Aw that's sweet. I told that woman I loved her, laid my heart out in front of her, and she chopped it up like we were at Benihana's. Well, maybe she didn't hear you. Please! The whole restaurant heard me. Busboy gave me a hug on the way out. I don't think Vince and I are too old for a traditional wedding, do you? You need to tell your mom to back off. I don't know why she's been getting so wedding-crazy lately. Just tell her. How can I tell my fiancÃ©e I'm still married? What?! You son of a bitch. Mom! I'm not signing anything till he pays me the ten grand he owes me. Would you take $3,000? Eight! Five, and you can kick him in the nuts again. Deal! Whew! I hope you know what you're doing, marrying into a crazy family like that. Margaret, you coming back to bed? Oh. Hey, boy. I didn't hear you come in. Hey, there's the handsome bridegroom. I hope your dad and I didn't keep you awake last night with our rambunctious slap and tickle. No, I put cotton balls in my ears, and then a pillow over my head, and then wrapped the whole thing with duct tape. Is Dad still here? Sacked out upstairs. I'm afraid I didn't let your pappy get much shut-eye last night. Yeah, it was about 2:00 a. m. when I realized the cotton balls weren't enough and I didn't have the stomach to cut off my ears. Your dad and I never had any problems carnally. We could fight all day and settle it that night, buck naked between the sheets. You know, that's how you got that ten-speed. Why'd you have to tell me that? I loved that bike. Hate is a powerful aphrodisiac. People say, "Never go to bed angry. " They don't know what the hell they're missing. Look, I don't know what you and Dad are doing, but I just don't want to see you get hurt again. Don't worry about me I'm pretty thick-skinned even though I come off like a dainty flower. I know, buddy. I'm just as scared as you are. For the first time In my life I see love. Here you are, my pet. Fresh-squeezed O. J. and Italian champagne. Tastes the same, but it's, like, 30 bucks cheaper. I see. So you and me gotta cut corners 'cause you lost your shirt in last night's quickie divorce? See? I knew you'd understand! Okay there was a little snafu at the hair salon, but it's gonna be fine. Snafu? That's Dolly Parton and Yentl having a hair baby. This is not what I wanted. I wanted to look beautiful. This is not beautiful! Sweetie, it's gonna be fine. This is just a little speed bump. This is a 12-car pileup. I'm surprised there's not a news chopper overhead. Vince! He's right, it's horrible. I told them I wanted soft ringlets around my face, not a head full of curly fries. Oh ooh it's not that bad. It's just a little busy. And Mike loves curly fries. Oh! Didn't they try and fix it? This is the fix. I had to get her out of there before they started adding sparklers and little fake birds. Somebody call Mike and tell him he's marrying a circus clown. I'm gonna go put on my big, red nose now! Geez, what a horrible night. The sound of my parents' sweaty bodies slapping together, It was like Satan clapping his hands. Yeah, when my grandma has Brother Heywood over, I just take a sleeping bag into the garage and lay under the car. I'd rather wake up with a mouthful of oil than hear that mess. I just don't need any more drama. I got enough on my mind today. Well, don't worry about Christina and me. I've put that unrequited "I love you" incident behind me. Good. Once you step in it, don't try and dig it out of the treads. Best to just throw the shoe out. Agreed. And after the initial sting of public humiliation, I realized that these things have to move at their own pace. Let it unfold naturally. Mm-hmm. So, today, when I ask her to marry me, she has no choice but to say "I love you. " What?! Ow! Let me look, let me look! No, I'm not done yet! I wanna see it! Give me the mirror! No! I need to see it! It's my hair and I want to look! Sweetie, you gotta trust me on this, it's not ready to be seen. Give me the toaster! No! Fine, I'll get a spoon. Oh, my God, I'm hideous. Honey, nobody looks their best in a big spoon. That's it, I'm shaving my head! You'll look just like Mike. You're gonna confuse everybody. Carl, if you tell a woman you love her and she doesn't say it back, you don't follow up with, "Will you marry me?" Why not? It's like if she doesn't want to kiss you, you don't take your pants off. Did she tell you about that? Hey, I sat in gum. Besides, I'll never get a better proposal opportunity. I'm wearing a tuxedo, love is in the air, and I'll have a microphone in my hand. Wait, what? I'm doing it at the reception during my best man toast. No, you're not! It'll be perfect. I'll say some lovely words about you and Molly, then turn to Christina and ask her to be my wife. Carl remember that awkward moment at dinner when your "I love yo" was followed by a black hole of silence, crickets, and a sagebrush tumbling through the restaurant? Yes. Okay, now add a microphone to that, about a 150 friends and family, and me hitting you in the head with a chair. Are you boys decent? I just wanted to see how Michael was holding up. Nana, Carl's trying to ruin my wedding! Leave her out of this! What did you do now, Knucklehead Jones? He's gonna propose to Christina during my reception, and she doesn't even love him. She does, too, but she's afraid to say it. I just need to put some more cheese on the mousetrap. You're proposing to that poor woman? Is that why my nice jade ring has gone missing? But you said I could have it. After I'm dead! But if you keep stealing stuff out of my bedroom, I swear, it will be your funeral and my trial. What do you mean your limo has been towed? I thought you guys could park anywhere, like ambulances. You did, too? Okay, I'm coming down. Got to go. Ready. Wow! Look at you! Is it okay? Oh just beautiful. Perfect. Thank you for holding it together for me. I don't know what I would have done without you. Probably still be at that hair salon throwing curlers at that beautician. Did I really do that? I have no memory of that. You did inhale about two cans of hairspray, so Is the limo here yet? Want to hear a funny story? Don't worry, Mol. We're on our way to the church, and everything is gonna be fine. You're probably not in the mood to push, are you? I'm sorry. Carl, I'm begging you, don't ask Christina to marry you at my reception. Do anything else you want to ruin it. Get drunk, cannonball into the wedding cake, have the deejay play "Thriller," do your zombie dance. How about I pop the question after you guys pull away in the limo? Delightful. As long as you can see the back of my head, you can humiliate yourself and everyone around you. I can't believe you don't want to witness the disaster. Video it with your cell phone. Well, that is a given. My only question is, when I put it on YouTube, should I add a car crash or a "wah-wah-wah"? Hey, fellas, how's everything going in here? Uh, fine, Dad. Can I talk to you for a second? Sure. All right, what's going on with you and Mom? We're getting along, enjoying each other's company. Isn't that what you wanted? What I heard through the walls last night is nothing close to what I wanted. So what, you're just gonna leave your wife and move back with Mom? Kind of romantic, huh? Like one of those movies where the couple realizes they were always meant to be together. See, I was thinking more Friday the 13th or Saw, where you cut off your own arm to escape the pain. All right, buddy, let's go over your vows. We'll see you in the church, Mr. Biggs. Have a boutonniere. Thanks for pulling me out of there. I was gonna lose it. I mean, he walks out on the two of us, and 20 years later thinks he can pick up right where he left off. Let it go. This day is about you, Molly, and nobody else. Hey, Mike, sorry to bother you, but have you heard from Molly? She's not here yet, and we're starting to get a little worried about her. What? She's not here? Just breathe. Everything's gonna be fine. She will be here. Christina, will you marry me? Wah-wah-wah Hello? Hello? Anyone? I got no bars. That's the battery! Oh. I got no battery. Can I borrow your phone? Yeah, it's in my back pocket. You don't have any pockets. Exactly. Excuse me, sir, can we borrow your cell phone? Victoria, I don't think he has a phone. Here you go. But I think we might be in a dead spot. Come on, it's bad luck for a bride to miss her own wedding. Hang on a second, I think I have a friend who lives in this neighborhood. You're kidding. What is he, a bail bondsman or a drug dealer? Well, he's not a bail bondsman. Any sign of Molly yet? No, but everything else is under control. Flynns on the left, Biggs on the right. Did you know that you both have aunts that look like uncles? Oh, my Aunt Frida made it? He did. So you don't love me and you don't want to marry me? Carl, this is not the time or the place. Why do you let me do these things?! This will cut together beautifully! Hey, have you heard anything from Molly? I'm sure everything's fine. We left her with Victoria. Mrs. Flynn, no disrespect, but you know those two sentences don't go together. Yeah, even as I said it, I wasn't buying it. Listen, since your bride is a no-show, what do you say Joyce and I step in? I'm not letting you have my wedding, Vince. Come on! If I don't marry that crazy broad right away, she's gonna ruin my life! No deal. Fine! I'm taking back my popcorn popper. Molly! Is it just me or does your car smell like french fries? This vehicle's a hundred percent biodiesel. That's the corn oil you're smelling. Corn oil? Yeah. One of my customers manages a McDonald's, and we've worked out kind of a barter system. I keep him in weed, and he keeps me in cooking grease and those tasty little apple pies. Oh, I love those things. Do we have time to stop? No! I am a half an hour late for my wedding. Does this car go faster than four miles per hour? Not if you care about the earth it doesn't. Screw the earth and hit the gas, hippie! Wow, your sister's kind of a buzzkill. I know. Oh, the marriage of your spirits here Has caused him to remain For whenever two or more of you Are gathered in his name There is love Love, love, love, love Mm There is love I'm all out of wedding songs. How about something from the book of Saint Aretha? Just follow me, and y'all try to keep up. All right. Okay. Come on. You better think Think Think about what you're trying to do to me Hey, hey, think, think And let your mind go and let yourself be free Let's go back, let's go back Let's go way on way back when I didn't even know you, you couldn't have been Too much more than ten Just a child I ain't no psychiatrist, I ain't no doctor With degrees No degrees But it don't take too much high I. Q. To see what you're doing to me You better think Think Think about what you're trying to do to me, hey, hey Carl, I'm not ready to get married again. Ever? I don't know. I I can't answer that question. I just want to enjoy what we have right now. Of course you enjoy it. You got some idiot following you around, telling you he loves you, and you don't have to say "boo" Do you think it was easy for me not to tell you I love you? I just don't wanna move too fast and lose what we've got. So you do love me? Yes, Carl I love you. She said it! Ha! Did you get that one, Spike Lee? Come on, y'all! Think Think about Let your mind be free Come on, think, yeah Think, think about What you're trying to do to me Yeah, come on So now that I'm back in the picture, I think the groom's mother and father should walk down the aisle together. Mm. That'd be sweet, wouldn't it? Pick up right where we left off. Kind of romantic, huh? Oh, yeah. Jack, I've been waiting I'm dumpin' you. What? I don't understand. I thought last night we found our old spark. Nope, that was a little taste of the sweet nectar you dumped down the drain 20 years ago. Now, take that and those hairless white legs of yours back to Florida and your whore. So you did all this to set me up and then break my heart? Well, I was hoping your ticker would blow up while you were doing your dirty business, but this is almost as sweet. Whoo! Think about Ow! Think about, think Come on, think Think Think about what you're trying to do to me Hey, hey, think, think Let your mind go and let yourself be free I knew it was too good to be true. What was I thinking? Some big load like me was actually gonna marry that beautiful princess? All right, she's gonna be here; she loves you. She wised up just in time and realized she could do a lot better. Did you skip breakfast? Somebody got a Snickers bar? Yes. All my life, I've been dreaming about a woman like her. Maybe that's all this is; it's just a dream. You're not supposed to get everything you want in life. Why not? I did. Where the hell have you been? Don't ever leave me alone again. This has been the worst Yeah? It hasn't exactly been a walk in the park for me, either. Although we did walk through a very scary park. You want to get married? I do, I really do. And if I get hit by lightning between here and the altar, which, based on the day I've been having, could actually happen I just want you to know that you are the love of my life. Right back at you. By the way, you smell amazing. It's French. All right, we got a full squad. Let's do this thing! She's here! Bring it home, Nana! Ah, freedom Freedom Freedom Freedom Oh, freedom Freedom Talkin' about freedom Talkin' about freedom you make me smile when I'm sad, feel safe when I'm scared, I never feel alone, even when I am alone. You are my rock and my strength. You are my heart, my life and my love. Okay, it's your turn. Oh. Okay, here goes. I promise to cherish every moment with you. I promise to never let a day go by without telling you how much I love you and how much richer my life is with you in it. Molly Flynn, I love you, and every moment of my life has meaning because I do. And by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.