Skips in the Saddle

(Episode opens at Pops's House. Mordecai, Rigby, Benson, Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost are at the steps. Mordecai and Rigby are linked on a video game. Skips walks by with a wheelbarrow.)

Skips: So, who's up for cards at my house tonight?

Muscle Man: (holds up four tickets) Can't. Me and Fives are taking our ladies to see some Mexican wrestling.

Hi Five Ghost: Mucho romantico.

Benson: Audrey and I are going to a jazz concert.

Rigby: I got plans with Eileen.

Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost: Oooooooooooooooh!

Rigby: Friend plans. She wants to show me her new rock polisher.

Muscle Man: You know who else likes to polish people's rocks?

(Mordecai and Rigby glare at him, while Benson and Skips just stare in disbelief. All four can understand what Muscle Man said was an innuendo.)

Skips: Mordecai?

Mordecai: Aw, I would, but CJ and I are going to a laser light show tonight. But you can totally come with us.

Skips: Ah, no. That's okay. I've, uhhh, I got some other guys coming over. In fact, I better get going. Uh, have fun, everyone. (He walks off. Everyone says their goodbyes to him.)

All: All right. See ya. (etc.)

(Cut to Skips's House. Skips comes in, turns on the light and goes to his table, where he has food and a stack of cards set up. He sighs and puts the food away, straightens things up, and goes to lit some weights. He plays cards by himself, then goes to the fridge and takes sardines. Skips is seen watching TV and eating.)

Man (on TV): Baby, I don't know where I'd be today if I hadn't met you.

Woman (on TV): ' 'Probably home alone watching a romantic comedy in the dark.

(Both laugh. Skips groans. Cut to Mordecai and Rigby walking along.)

Rigby: How was the laser show? (He elbows Mordecai.) Did you put your arm around CJ?

Mordecai: Did you put your arm around Eileen's rock polisher?

Rigby: Stop talking!

Mordecai: (stops Rigby) Wait. Skips?

(Skips is sitting on a stool outside.)

Rigby: You okay, man?

Skips: Yeah. (Then he corrects himself.) No! I've been skipping solo for too long now. I need to start dating again.

Rigby: Skips! Gettin' back in the saddle!

Skips: I guess. It's been so long, I don't even know where to start.

Rigby: Aw, it can't be that bad. How long's it been?

Skips: 200 years.

Mordecai and Rigby: Wooooaaaaaaahhh!

Mordecai: Well, better now than never. You just gotta get out there.

Rigby: What you need are some wingmen.

Skips: Wingmen?

Rigby: You know, your co-pilots. Your bros. The one's who got your back while you're looking for ladies.

Skips: Hmm. (cut to him picking up his phone and dialing a number) It's me. Uh, I need some wingmen.

Gary:  I've been waiting 200 years to hear you say that.

(Cut to a club called Shark Tank. People are hanging out. We see Skips, Gary, Techmo and Reginald at a table.)

Skips: So, uh, what happens now? Do we just sit here and wait till they come talk to us?

Gary: Waiting doesn't get you the ladies, Skips.

Techmo: Watch and learn.

(We see two ladies seated at a table. Gary and Techmo walk over to them.)

Gary: Excuse me, ladies. Perhaps you could settle a bet. Which one of us do you think is older?

Lady #1: I dunno.

Gary: Neither. We're both immortal. (He snaps his fingers. The ladies disappear and reappear next to Gary and Techmo, respectively.) Plus, we're magic.

(The ladies laugh as they walk off with Gary and Techmo.)

Reginald: Ooh, check it out.

(Two ladies are widely smiling at Reginald and Skips.) Fly honies giving us eye contact. (They go to the ladies.)

Reginald (continued): Excuse me. Are you a parking ticket? Cause you've got "fine" written all over you.

(They laugh.)

Lady #2: We are fine.

Reginald: Hey, that's a nice outfit you have on there. (bumps Skips)

Skips: Uh, yeah. (stammers) I like it a lot.

Lady #3: What do you like about it?

Skips: Oh, uh, it looks comfortable, uh, like uhh....(sees Reginald's "diaper") Like my friend's diaper!

Lady #3: My dress looks like a diaper?! (Reginald glares at Skips) He just said I'm wearing a diaper! (smashes plate)

(Cut back to Skips's house, where Mordecai and Rigby are laughing and throwing cards into a trashcan. Gary's car magically appears to drop Skips off.)

Gary: We'll try again next week, Skips. (to the ladies) Who wants to see a supernova?

(The ladies laugh again. Reginald sticks his heard through the window.)

Reginald: And, by the way, it's not a diaper! (Gary drives off) They're adult diapers! There's a differeeeeeeeence!

(Skips sighs and goes to Mordeecai and Rigby.)

Mordecai: Hey, Skips.

Rigby: Meet any fine females tonight?

Skips: I'm just not cut out for the whole club scene.

Rigby: Dude, nobody meets anybody at clubs anymore.

Mordecai: Yeah. There's an option for people like you who make terrible first impressions.

Both: The internet!

(Cut to computer room. Mordecai and Rigby are setting up an online dating profile for Skips.)

Mordecai: Alright. We gotta fill in your profile. Profession?

Skips: Park Groundskeeper.

Mordecai: Uh-uh-uh. (airquotes) Enviromental Technologist.

Rigby: (typing) Hobbies?

Skips: I'm good at fixing stuff.

Rigby: Mechanical wiz who can fix anything: busted engines, broken hearts, whatever you got.

Mordecai: You've travelled all over the world. Girls like a guy who's cultured.

Rigby: Fought monsters with a ninja sword, arm wrestled Death, and also you love kittens to show your softer side. And done! (clicks and completes the profile "Skipster")

Skips: Now, what do we do?

Mordecai: Sit back and let the ladies come to you.

Skips: How long's it gonna take?

Mordecai: I dunno. It could be a while.

(Computer beeps)

Rigby: Whoa, look at that! You've already got 85,000 views!

Mordecai: Dude, you're on the front page of the website! "Based on your top-rated profile, you've been selected to be a contestant on the hit dating show It's a Date!"

Skips: What?

Mordecai: Aw, man. You'll meet someone now for sure!

Rigby: Up high! (raises his hand)

Skips: I can't go on a dating show. I'm not that kind of guy.

Rigby: Would you rather be the kind of guy who spends the next 200 years shuffling his cards?

(Skips is at loss for words. We are then shown Two Peaks Mall. Mordecai, Rigby and Skips enter a shop called Player Station, where Skips tries on a suit and new shoes. The guys are impressed. They go to another place in the mall called Spray Crazy, where Skips gets a spray tan. We are shown Cheap Cuts, where Skips gets a haircut. When it's finished, Mordecai and Rigby are happy with his new look. Cut back to Skips's house, where he is looking himself in the mirror.)

Mordecai: Looking good, Skips!

Skips: I don't know. These pants are a little tight.

Rigby: You wanna look cool, right!

Skips: (sighs) Yes.

Mordecai: It's getting late. We gotta get you prepped for the questions on the show tonight.

Skips: What questions?

Rigby: Dude, the ladies ask you questions and you impress them with your slick responses.

Mordecai: (takes out cards) Here, let's run through a practice round. "If you were trapped on a desert island with just one thing, what would it be?"

Rigby: Boom! Go!

Skips: That's easy. Fresh water.

Rigby: (sounds like a buzzer) Wrong! You gotta say something cool like, "All I need is your deep blue eyes to look into," Cheese it up! Make em laugh! It's not hard.

Skips: How do you know?

Rigby: Cause I've seen every episode of ''It's a Date! (silence)'' What? I've had a lotta spare time since Mordecai started dating CJ.

Skips: If you're so good at this, why don't you do it?!

Rigby: I would if I could!

Skips: Oh, so you adimt that you can't?!

Rigby: No! It's just that I don't have the right look or whatever, which has nothing to do with me being cool with my words.

Skips: Well, I'm not a word guy, okay?!

Mordecai: Hmm-hmm-hmm. I got an idea.

(Scene cuts to  'It's a Date!')

Announcer: Welcome to ''It's a Date! ''Let's give it up for your host, Bob Karpett!

(Bob walks on stage as the live audience cheers.)

Bob: Thank you, thank you! Let's give a warm welcome to our bachelorette, Sheena Albright! (Sheena walks on stage) Sheena is a molecular biologist who loves tennis, Italian cuisine, and sloths. (Audience cheers) Now it's time to meet our 3 eligible bachelors! (We are show 3 shadows) Bachelor number one is a hip-hop enthusiast. (Shadow reveals a guy with a body of a horse) Please welcome Jimmy Jamzz!

Jimmy: Yo yo yo! What's peepin', Sheena?

Sheena: (giggles) Yo!

Bob: Bachelor number two runs his own T-shirt business. (Shadow reveals a guy wearing and holding a t-shirt) Say hello to the T-Shirt Man!

T-Shirt Man: Buy my t-shirts!

Bob: And, bachelor number three is a ventriloquist. (Shadow reveals Skips with Rigby as a ventriloquist) Say hello to Skips and his dummy, Lil' Rigs!

Rigby: Hey hey, what's shaking, dogface? Hold on tight, strap yourself in, cause a date with me will make your head spin!

(Sheena laughs with the audience as Skips smiles.)

Bob: Alright, Sheena. It's time for your first question for our bachelors.

Sheena: If we went out on a date, where would you take me? Bachelor #1.

Jimmy: Girl, I'd take you to the hoppinest dance club in town. 'Cause Jimmy Jamzz is all about bustin' killer moves, girl! (belly rolls) Aw yeah. dawg!

Sheena: Okay. Bachelor #2.

T-Shirt Man: I would take you to a fine dining establishment and then show you my latest line a t-shirts! (takes off shirt revealing one with a heart and whoops)

Sheena: Hmmm. Bachelor #3?

Skips: Uh, go out for a nice meal?

Rigby: And go to the planetarium! Cause you surely belong with all the other heavenly bodies.

(Audience oooohs while Sheena blushes and giggles.)

Sheena: Next question. What is your biggest dream in life? Bachelor #1.

Jimmy: Pssh. Girl, I'm already living my dream! I've been regional hip-hop dance champion 9 time in a row, player! Shout out to my Four Legger Crew! (crew dances)

Sheena: Bachelor #2?

T-Shirt Man: My dream is to sell my t-shirts in all stores nationwide. That and move out of my momma's basement.

Sheena: Ehh. Bachelor #3.

Skips: Well, uh, save up for retirement.

Rigby: Geez, Gramps! You're not dead yet! But judging by you stage presence, you might as well be! Hey yo! (Audience laughs while Skips is not amused) But seriously, Sheena. My only dream is to make each day with you better than the last.

Audience: Awww!

Sheena: Uh, why thank you, Bachelor #3.

T-Shirt Man: Aw, come on! That's the worst pickup line I ever heard!

Rigby: The only thing you should pick up is a pair of scissors and cut off that lame mullet!

(Audience laugh while T-Shirt man feels his hair.)

Skips: Rigby!

Rigby: Hey, the audience loves me. Wish I could say the same for these two dummies.

T-Shirt Man: You callin' me a dummy, dummy?

Rigby: No, but you know who is calling you is your mom! She wants you ringcheck, fool!

T-Shirt Man: I've had enough of your lip, son! Playtime's over! (He rips off his heart shirt revealing a fist shirt, then takes a gun setting it from "Stadium Event" to "Kill Some Fool". He starts shooting T-shirt bullets at Skips but he carries Rigby out of harm's way.)

Jimmy: (starts hip-hop dancing) I just cen-tore it up! (starts crashing the set, causing Sheena to scream)

T-Shirt Man: Eat t-shirt! (shoots more t-shirts around the set)

Four Legged Crew Member #1: Let's teach this punk some manners! (gets shot by a t-shirt)

(The T-Shirt Man shoot a stagelight. The audience and Bob scream as it's about to fall on him. Skips grabs the stagelight and throws it aside. He moves Jimmy out of the way of a stage wall. He see T-Shirt Man.)

Skips: That's enough! (grabs gun and punches him.)

Mordecai: Look out!

(Skips notices the stage pillars falling on each other, and one is about to fall on a screaming Sheena, when he holds it up, causing his suit it rip off, stunning her. He throws the pillar aside.)

Skips: You okay? (He lifts Sheena and grabs a mic.) Look everyone I'm not a ventriloquist. (Audience gasps. He points to Rigby.) And this isn't a dummy, (Audience gasps again.) The truth is, I'm just a simple guy who works at a park, a quiet guy who want meet a nice girl. Someone I can spend time with and talk to, and, uh,  doesn't mind that I like to go commando. (Man signals gasp sign. Audience gasps) Anyway, I'm sorry I wasted everybody's time. (drops mic and leaves)

Sheena: Wait! I choose Bachelor #3!

Skips: Huh?

Bob: (picks up mic) It's a date! (Sheena runs up to Skips as the audience cheers. T-Shirt Man reveals a sad face shirt) Sheena and Skips, you two win an all-expenses-paid trip to Costa Rica!

(The audience, including Mordecai and Rigby, continues to cheer as Sheena and Skips smile at each other. We cut to Pop's house sometime later, where Mordecai and Rigby are waiting. A taxi drives up, and Skips comes out.)

Skips: Keep the change! (taxi drives off)

Mordecai and Rigby: Skips! Skips! Skips!

Rigby: How was Costa Rica with your chicka?!

Skips: Well, uhhh. (we are shown various scenes from Skips' trips) Ah, she was too high-maintenance. But I'm back in the saddle. Thanks, guys.

Mordecai and Rigby: Whoooooooaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Mordecai: Nice, nice.

(End of Skips in the Saddle)