Fat Like Me

(opening theme song)

(at the Griffin house)

(the Fashion Club is meeting in Sandi's bedroom)

Sandi - Then it's unanimous. Under no circumstances will the Fashion Club accept applicants with stubby fingertips. Stacy, what is the next membership qualification on our agenda?

Stacy - Weight guidelines -- unless you want to talk about something else.

Sandi - If it's all right with you, Stacy, I prefer to conduct this meeting in an orderly fashion. That said, I move we scale back the number of allowable pounds by three.

Quinn - Um, Sandi, I think it's a really cute idea and all, but it might make it really hard to find new members.

Sandi - Obviously, I'm the only one in this room concerned with the burgeoning obesity problem tearing apart the very fabric of our land.

Stacy - Not the fabric!

Sandi - If I must stand alone in setting exemplary standards for others to follow, so be it. You're all overruled. Next topic.

Sam - That's mine! Give it back!

Chris - Forget it, jerko!

Stacy - Um, the next topic is eyelash density.

Chris - You suck! You suck!

Sandi - Excuse me.

(Sandi gets up and goes into the hallway, where Sam and Chris are fighting on the stairs over the remote for a toy truck)

Sandi - Shut up, you little brats!

Sam - Give me the remote!

(the truck suddenly goes into motion and heads right for Sandi's legs)

Sandi - Oh...!

(Sandi trips over the truck and tumbles down the stairs, right past a surprised Sam and Chris; Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany run out of Sandi's room to see what happened, and find Sandi laying at the bottom of the stairs, clutching her leg)

Sandi - My leg! It's broken!

(at Pizza King)

Jane - Wow, you were right. There really are more ZooZoo Drops in a box than Juicy Joes.

Daria - I'm just grateful for the opportunity to enlighten. Now pay up.

Jane - Give me a chance to win my money back first? See Kevin over there? (pan to Kevin and the Three J's at another booth) I bet this five that within ten minutes he'll stun and amaze his friends by crushing a can to his head.

Daria - Nah. It's more of a covering-his-eyes-with-pepperonis-and-pretending-he's-blind kind of a day.

Jane - You're on.

(at Kevin's table, Kevin hovers between the soda can and the pizza, then picks up two slices of pepperoni, puts them over his eyes, and starts walking around like he's blind)

Kevin - I'm blind! I'm blind!

(the Three J's laugh and cheer)

Jane - So many talents. (hands money to Daria) He really should run off and join the circus.

Daria - Or just run off.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(the family is eating dinner)

Quinn - And the doctor said Sandi's leg will be in a cast for at least a month. Poor Sandi. Crutches don't go with anything.

Daria - That's the same thing those land mine victims are always complaining about.

Jake - Damn it! This article says restaurants won't serve meat rare anymore! Some crap about gastroenterological disorders.

Helen - But Jake, you order well done anyway.

Jake - Once in a while, a man wants a slab of bloody red steak!

Quinn - Isn't anybody listening?!

Daria - Oh, hi, Quinn. Didn't hear you come in.

Quinn - Fine. If no one cares then I'll just go to my room. (gets up and leaves)

Helen - Quinn! Come back. Of course we want to hear about Stacy.

Quinn (off-screen) - Sandi!

(in Quinn's bedroom)

Quinn - And then I said, "You can't wear sneakers to Chez Pierre," and he said he didn't know that.

Stacy - You know, a guy once took me to a chain restaurant.

Quinn - No! Tell us about it.

Stacy - Really?

(phone rings)

Quinn - Hello? Sandi! How are you feeling?

(Quinn activates the speakerphone)

Sandi (on phone) - How do you think I'm feeling? I can't even give myself a pedicure with this stupid cast.

Tiffany - So then, it's good that you can't go out.

Quinn - Are you sure you don't want to have this meeting at your house?

Sandi (on phone) - Yes, I'm sure. Unless it's too confusing for you to follow what I'm saying from this speakerphone.

Quinn - Don't be silly, Sandi.

Sandi (on phone) - Silly? Gee, Quinn. Is there anything else you'd like to call me while I'm not there to defend myself in person?

Quinn - What I meant was...

(phone beeps)

Sandi (on phone) - Excuse me. I have a call. (click, pause, click) It's Cashman's. I'll have to call you back. (hangs up)

(all sigh)

Quinn - Poor Sandi. Too bad she's not here. I've really missed her these past few weeks.

Tiffany - Oh, yeah...

Stacy - Yeah.

(at school, Mr. DeMartino's class)

Mr. DeMartino - Brittany. Would you care to tell us some of the factors leading up to the Great Depression?

Brittany - Um, when people realized they had no money they got really depressed?

Mr. DeMartino - Brittany, explain something. Do you perhaps harbor a powerful phobia that it might actually hurt to think?

Brittany - Um, I think that's pronounced "pheebia."

Mr. DeMartino - Would anyone else care to broadcast their complete lack of education?!

Jane - Bet you ten he'll say "imbeciles."

Daria - I'm going to go with "morons."

Mr. DeMartino - I see. Perhaps it's my own stupidity that allows me to think I could actually impart wisdom to a bunch of...

Jane - Say it.

Daria - Starts with an "m."

Mr. DeMartino - Imbecilic morons!

(in the hallway)

Daria - You know, these little bets have cost you 40 clams so far. If I had a self-image, I'd think you were bribing me to be your friend.

Jane - Bet you the whole 40 I'm not.

Daria - Nice try.

Jane - Wait. Clams?

Stacy - Guys, guys! Jackie is wearing green shoes with yellow socks!

Tiffany - I never did like her.

Quinn - I don't believe it.

Stacy - I know. I couldn't believe it, either.

Quinn - No, I mean it's Sandi. She's come back to school.

Stacy - And she's...

Tiffany - Fat...

(pan to show Sandi, who has very clearly gained weight, hobbling down the hallway in crutches)

(at school)

Sandi - Gee, Tiffany, why don't you take a picture? It will last longer.

Tiffany - But I don't have a camera.

Sandi - I mean, you can stop staring at me.

Quinn - We weren't staring. We were, um... looking at your skirt. It looks really cute over that cast.

Stacy - You can hardly tell you've gained... a cast.

Quinn - Hi, guys!

Jamie - Quinn! You spoke to us!

Jeffy - Can I walk you to class?

Joey - No, me!

Quinn - Guys, look who's back! Sandi.

(Quinn tries to point Sandi out, and notices that she's hobbling towards the door as fast as her crutches can carry her; finally, Sandi makes it outside and closes the door behind her)

Sandi - This can't be happening. I'm ruined! Why me? Oh, God, why me? (panting)

(split-screen phone call, with Quinn in her bedroom and Stacy in hers)

Quinn - Sandi wasn't in Mr. O'Neill's class, either, so she must have left school. Gee, I hope it doesn't have anything to do with, well, you know... not that she looks that bad.

Stacy - I know. She looks really good for a fat person. She could inspire fat people.

Quinn - Stacy, I don't think we should use the "F" word when talking about Sandi.

Stacy - Right. She could inspire the thinly challenged everywhere. Like, travel around the world in a Winnebago and show people you can be fa... differently weighted... and still have great color sense.

(Quinn's phone beeps)

Quinn - Um, Stacy, hold that thought. (click) Sandi! Sure, I'll be right over. (hangs up and leaves)

Stacy - Quinn? Quinn?! But, Quinn, I didn't say fat.

(in Sandi's bedroom)

Sandi - Quinn, you're so lucky you have your thinness.

Quinn - Oh, Sandi, you're not that not that thin.

Sandi - It's sweet of you to say that, Quinn. Thank you for being my best friend.

Quinn - Sandi, I...

Sandi - And as my best friend, I want you to be the first to know that, out of respect to the Fashion Club's stringent obesity policy, I am resigning the presidency.

Quinn - Sandi, you can't resign!

Sandi - Please, Quinn, this is painful enough as it is. All I ask is that, after you assume the presidency, you'll try to remember me as I used to be.

Quinn - Me? President?

Sandi - I'm just grateful I'm being replaced by someone who truly excels in accessorizing.

Quinn - Sandi, I could never replace you!

Sandi - Really?

Quinn - Of course not! You're...

Sandi - Quinn... that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Refusing the presidency out of respect for our friendship. (wipes away the tears in her eyes)

Quinn - Uh, what I mean is, I couldn't do the job just like you...

Sandi - You don't have to explain. If I live another 20 years I'll never be able to express the gratitude I feel for your unwavering devotion. I humbly accept your resignation.

Quinn - Um... don't mention it.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria and Jane are watching TV in the living room)

SSW Announcer - Meet the psychic Nazi hunter who says the Fuhrer's been reincarnated... as a madcap leggy blonde! "There's something about Hitler," tonight on Sick, Sad World.

Jane - How much do I owe you now?

Daria - Still 40.

Jane - Clams?

Daria - Simoleons. Try to keep up.

Quinn - You're not going to believe what happened!

Daria - You're right. Save your breath.

Quinn - Sandi resigned from the Fashion Club because she's fat, and then I had to resign to show Sandi my support, although I didn't really mean to resign, and now I don't know what's going to happen because there's no way there can even be a Fashion Club without me and Sandi!

Daria - Um, Quinn? It's me, Daria.

(Quinn gasps and leaves)

Jane - Did I hear right? The death of the Fashion Club? That at last the people shall be free?

Daria - Not likely. That club's like a hydra. You cut off one airhead, two more grow back.

Jane - Hmm. Care to put a wager on that? Say, 40 piasters?

Daria - Make it spondulicks.

(Jake enters, carrying several fast foot bags)

Jake - Damn it, Daria! Special orders my foot! Medium! Medium! Medium! Our freedom of choice is gone!

Daria - Quinn! Dad's here and he wants to hear all about Sandi!

(in Quinn's bedroom)

Quinn - Before we begin the meeting, I have an announcement to make. Sandi has resigned from the Fashion Club.

Stacy - Quinn, that's terrible! Not that we shouldn't respect her decision.

Tiffany - Yeah, that's awful... oh, well.

Quinn - She says she can't even come back to school because it hurts too much to walk in her cast.

Stacy - So if you're the vice president and Sandi's resigned, then you must be the new president.

Tiffany - Congratulations...

Quinn - Well, actually...

Stacy - So what's the first item of business, President Quinn? The best president ever!

Tiffany - Long live the Quinn! Hey...!

Quinn - Guys, stop it! I'm resigning, too.

Tiffany - What?

Stacy - Oh, no! Was it something I said? Something I did?

Quinn - No, Stacy. See, I kind of had to promise Sandi I'd resign. Tiffany, I guess you're the president now, and Stacy, you're vice president.

Stacy - Quinn, you can't go! What will we do without you?!

Quinn - You're going to carry on the Fashion Club mission. You'll stop the vertically challenged from wearing really fat stripes, point out icky fibers to icky fibers wearers, and fight frosted shadows wherever you go, unless it's at a costume party. You'll hold yourselves up to the highest standards possible. No ankle boot too pointy, no chartreuse too chartreusey, and no mock turtleneck too mocky. And finally, you will never, ever date anyone less attractive than you are... although equally attractive is okay.

(Stacy begins sobbing)

(at school)

(Daria and Jane are walking the hallways0

Daria - My sources tell me that, though diminished by half, the soldiers of style battle on.

Jane - Huh?

Daria - The Fashion Club still exists. Give me my 40 George W's.

Jane - Daria, please. These girls aren't the swiftest boats in the current. Give them some time to realize they've broken up.

Daria - You're not trying to weasel out of paying me?

Jane - No! Just making sure you don't think I'm buying your friendship.

(Daria grumbles)

(at the Blum-Deckler house, in Tiffany's bedroom)

Stacy - Come on, Tiffany, you're the president. Start the meeting and pick a topic already.

Tiffany - Topic...?

Stacy - You know, like Sandi used to. She'd say something like "nail decals" and Quinn would say they're passé and Sandi would ask if Quinn knew the difference between passé and retro and Quinn would explain what she meant to say and we'd move on to the next topic.

Tiffany - Hmm... topic. I know. How about fashion?

Stacy - Um, maybe if we tried begging Quinn to come back.

(at school)

Stacy - But, Quinn, you have to return to the Fashion Club. We need you!

Tiffany - Really need you.

Quinn - Guys, I would if I could, but I can't because I promised Sandi.

Stacy - But she doesn't have to know. Please?

Tiffany - Okay... I'll think about it.

(Jane, who's just down the hall, overhears)

Stacy - Thank you, thank you, thank you, Quinn!

(Stacy and Tiffany leave and Jane goes over to Brittany, whose locker is near Quinn's)

Brittany - Or is it 16 times to the right?

Jane - Brittany, let me ask a hypothet... make-believe question. What would you do if you found out Angie went on a date with Kevin?

Brittany - But Angie would never do that to me. She's my friend.

Jane - And friends don't go behind other friends' backs, do they? I knew this girl who went behind her friend's back and felt so guilty about it she ended up in an insane asylum and they made her wear drawstring pants and a big plastic bracelet.

Brittany - Serves her right, the back-stabber!

(Quinn gasps and hurries off)

Jane - Anyhoo, thanks for straightening that out for me. (leaves)

Brittany - Ooh, I can't believe Kevvy cheated on me with Angie! Wait till I get my hands on him!

(at the Rowe house)

Quinn (on speakerphone) - Stacy, I want to come back but I just can't wear drawstring pants.

Tiffany - Brr...

Stacy - What?

Quinn (on speakerphone) - I mean, I can't betray Sandi. You'll just have to find some new members. (phone beeps) Oh, God, what if that's her? Got to run. (hangs up)

Stacy - (sighs) I guess we're on our own. Anyway, I thought up some topics... if that's okay with you.

Tiffany - Sure.

Stacy - Let's begin with a debate on crew necks. Now, I think people with long necks look really good in them because they make their necks look long.

Tiffany - Do you think I look good in crew necks?

Stacy - Of course. You look good in anything. But what about the color? I think I prefer pastels.

Tiffany - Do you think I look good in pastels?

Stacy - Um, yes, Tiffany. Anyway, I don't care how long her neck is. I can't believe she dated Matt Damon.

Tiffany - Do you think I'd look good with Matt Damon?

Stacy - (sighs) Quinn's right. We need more members.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria is at the kitchen table, eating ice cream; Quinn is talking to Stacy on the phone)

Quinn - You can't let Gina into the Fashion Club. Her teeth are thick. Heidi?! With the clogs?! Gee, I guess there really aren't any suitable girls at school. Maybe the club should break up. Stacy, stop crying. Stacy...!

(Quinn sighs and hangs up, then walks over to Daria)

Quinn - Ice cream out of the carton? You're going to end up like Sandi!

Daria - I suppose your friendship is over now that she can't squeeze into a size zero.

Quinn - Daria, I am not shallow. Besides, it's not like Sandi's gotten ugly or anything.

Daria - Wow, I've really misjudged you. I never realized you'd be willing to sacrifice your own popularity for the sake of friendship.

Quinn - What do you mean?

Daria - Well, you and I both know how society discriminates against the overweight, even to the point of shunning them. The old Quinn might even have done it herself. But this new Quinn? Willing to stick by her friend no matter how heavy she gets, even if it costs you your own status? Wow. Simply wow.

Quinn - Um... yeah.

Daria - Some more shallow friend might try to make Sandi lose weight so she could rejoin the Fashion Club and return life to normal, but not you. You accept her as she is. Kudos to you, Quinn Morgendorffer.

Quinn - Uh... thanks! Got to go!

(Quinn hurries off, while Daria smirks triumphantly)

(at the Griffin house)

(Quinn is pounding on the front door)

Quinn - Sandi, open up! It's an emergency!

(Sam and Chris open the door)

Both - Quinn!

(Sam and Chris escort Quinn to Sandi's bedroom; there, Quinn gasps: Sandi, sans cast, is on the bed in a mumu, scarfing down chocolates)

Sandi - I told you little creeps no visitors! (she throws the box at the boys, who run off as Quinn walks towards the bed) Go ahead, laugh at my disfigurement. (sniffles)

Quinn - I would never laugh at you, Sandi. Besides, you're not disfigured. You're beautiful on the inside. That's all that counts.

Sandi - Then what are you doing here?

Quinn - I'm going to make you fit to go out in public again.

Sandi - What?

Quinn - Now that your cast is off, I'm here to help you lose weight.

Sandi - Oh, Quinn, can't you see that it's too late? My life is over!

Quinn - Sandi, you're not 30. Now let's get started.

(Quinn puts an aerobics tape into the VCR and plays it)

Instructor (on tape) - I know it's hard to believe, but I once weighed over a hundred pounds.

(Sandi begins crying)

Quinn - What's wrong, Sandi?

Sandi - Nothing. It's just... oh, Quinn, I love you so much!

(both girls are now crying as Quinn hugs Sandi)

Quinn - Oh, Sandi, I love you, too!

(at school; Stacy and Tiffany are walking the halls)

Stacy - Quinn's right. There just aren't any girls up to the Fashion Club's standards. If only looks weren't everything.

Tiffany - I know. Too bad we can't let boys in.

Stacy - Tiffany, that's a great idea.

Tiffany - What?

Stacy - About the boys.

Tiffany - Boys? Where?

(Stacy sighs and walks up to the Three J's)

Stacy - Hey, guys. Are you doing anything this afternoon? Because Tiffany and I would really like it if you could come over to my house for sodas.

Jeffy - Will Quinn be there?

Jamie - Quinn?

Joey - Yeah, Quinn!

Stacy - Er, no... there will be a discussion on swimwear.

Jeffy - A discussion?

Stacy - Um, I mean, we want to show you some girls in bikinis!

Three J's (at once) - Babes in bikinis! Nice! All right! We're there!

(pan to Daria and Jane, who have witnessed the entire exchange)

Daria - So Jamie, Jeffy and Joey are going to Stacy's to talk style. Jocks on frocks -- sounds like a Fashion Club meeting to me.

Jane - Trust me, it will be the last.

Daria - Uh-huh.

Jane - Care to double our bet?

Daria - It's your wampum.

Jane - Prepare to kiss your moolah good-bye.

(at the Rowe house)

(Stacy, Tiffany, and the Three J's are in the living room)

Jeffy - Let's see the bikinis!

Joey - Yeah, bikinis!

Stacy - Um, that's not till later. Right now we're discussing tank tops.

Joey - Tanks are cool!

Jamie - Yeah, like in that movie, World War Blood?

Stacy - Um, I didn't see that movie. What color were the tank tops?

Jeffy - Green! You want the enemy to spot your tank?

Tiffany - Well, yeah... that's kind of the whole idea.

Jamie - But what about the element of surprise?

Tiffany - You surprise them by looking really hot.

Joey - He's talking about war.

Tiffany - So am I.

Jeffy - No, you know, conceal and surprise?

Tiffany - You think I need concealer?

Jamie - Um, where are the bikinis, anyway?

Jeffy - Yeah! Bikinis!

Stacy - Right here.

Three J's (together) - Yeah! Excellent!

Stacy - Which fabric do you like best? (holds up a magazine)

Joey - Fabric?

(the Three J's suddenly realize that things aren't what they though they were)

Joey - We've got to go... do something.

Jamie - Yeah.

Jeffy - Uh, prior engagement.

(the Three J's run out of the house)

Stacy - The Fashion Club is falling apart! What are we going to do?

Tiffany - Hmm... I do need concealer.

(at the Lawndale Health Spa)

(Sandi is doing laps in the pool; Quinn is timing her, and noting her progress on a chart)

Sandi (panting) - Can't... I... rest?

Quinn - Did Cleopatra rest when she was inventing mascara? Did Neferiti rest when she was posing for statues? Did Helen of Troy rest when she was doing whatever it was she did? Beauty never rests! Now, swim, you cow, swim!

Sandi - What?!

Quinn - Sorry -- coach talk.

(at school, in the girl's bathroom)

(Stacy is brushing her hair and muttering angrily, while Daria and Jane wash their hands and look on)

Jane - Should we tell her it's easier to speak if you open your mouth?

(Tiffany enters the bathroom)

Tiffany - Stacy, what time is the Fashion Club meeting today?

Stacy - There is no meeting.

Tiffany - How co...

Stacy - How come?! Because I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of doing all the work while you just sit there. I tried my best, and even if it wasn't as good as Sandi's or Quinn's, a chain is only as strong as its weakest round thingy, and you refused to lift one freakin' finger! I'm through running the Fashion Club all by myself while you (imitates Tiffany) stare... in the mirror... and talk... about yourself... (normal voice) and I, I, I quit!

Tiffany - Hmm, maybe I should quit, too.

(Stacy shrieks and runs out, while Tiffany -- oblivious as usual -- starts plucking her eyebrows)

Jane - You saw it here first. The Fashion Club is dead. Pay me my 80 smackers.

(Daria hands Jane the money)

(in the hallway, Daria and Jane approach a crowd of people)

Daria - Don't look now, but I think the guy with the balloon animals is back.

Stacy - It's Sandi! And she's... thin.

(indeed, Sandi is back to her former weight; she stands tall while Quinn proudly shows off her accomplishment)

(a defeated Jane sighs and tosses her former winnings into the air, while Daria smirks triumphantly)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(the Fashion Club is meeting in Quinn's bedroom)

Sandi - Then it's agreed. Applicants can't have stubby fingertips or nails shorter than one-quarter of an inch.

(all agree)

Sandi - Next topic: weight requirement. (clears throat) I move that we review maximum allowable weights on a case by case basis.

Quinn - That's a great idea, Sandi!

(others agree)

Quinn - Let's move on to eyelashes.

Sandi - Um, Quinn... as president of the Fashion Club, I believe it is my job to decide on the topic for membership guidelines, unless there was a change of protocol in my absence that allows the vice president to switch topics at whim.

Quinn - But Sandi, how would I know that? I resigned after you resigned because you were, well, you know, not yourself, not that I wanted either of us to resign. Remember?

(pause as Stacy and Tiffany look on; Sandi backs off)

Sandi - Right... moving on. No one with a low eyelash count should be admitted. No exceptions.

Quinn - But Sandi... with all the thickening mascaras available you can always make it look like you have more eyelashes than you really do, so is the actual number of lashes really that important?

Sandi - Quinn, are you proposing artifice?

Stacy - I agree with Quinn.

Tiffany - Me, too.

(Sandi looks at Stacy and Tiffany, then decides to cut her losses: it's the first time that both girls have stood their ground and disagreed with her)

Sandi - Fine, but any eyelash-deficient applicants must agree to wear mascara at all times.

(Sandi looks uneasily at her fellow club members as she realizes that things aren't going to be the same as they were before)

(in the kitchen; Daria is reading the newspaper as Jake approaches)

Jake - Finally! A place that still respects good old freedom of choice! Behold, the Beef N Cake triple patty burger served medium rare, just like Jakey ordered!

Daria - Beef N Cake? I guess their refrigeration problems must be over.

Jake - (pause) Damn gastroenterological disorders! (puts down food and leaves)

(Daria pauses, then smiles as she calmly picks up the burger for herself)

(closing credits)