Shark Treatment

(Setting: on a ship at sea, near an island, at night, during a storm. The captain is at the ship's wheel.)

Mate: The hour is late, captain.

Captain: Forge ahead, mate. The sultan awaits the precious cargo!

(The mate goes over to the cargo, which is covered in a sheet and tied down with ropes, and makes sure it is secure. A tentacle reaches over onto the ship's deck and knocks him over. Other tentacles then pull the sheet and ropes off of the cargo, revealing that it is a golden statue. A huge wave then washes over the ship, and the statue falls overboard. Underwater, we can now see that the tentacles belong to Armand. He is about to attack the ship again, but Saleen stops him.)

Saleen: Armand! No! Silly Armand. Silly violent Armand. The ship must go back to Agrabah. We have what we want. (swims over to the statue) The famous what's-it's-name so precious to the land-dwellers of Agrabah. Their sultan will have to send someone to retrieve it. Someone very special.

(Setting: later, on another ship. Aladdin is at the wheel.)

Iago: What's a Golden Paiush anyway? And why are we sailing to the middle of nowhere to get it?

Aladdin: It's a statue that's been missing for generations. It was finally recovered, but went overboard on its voyage back to the sultan. We have to find it. Paiush was Agrabah's wisest philosopher.

Iago: Wisdom is vastly overrated. Me, I work on gut instinct.

Genie: You outta try working on that gut!

Abu: Yeah! (laughs)

Iago: Great, I'm a stowaway on the ship of fools.

Abu: (pointing) Ahoy! Ahoy!

Genie: Land, ho!

(They've reached the island near where the statue was lost.)

Aladdin: This is the spot!

(Underwater, Saleen looks up and sees Aladdin's ship passing overhead.)

Saleen: He's here! (to Armand) I don't care what you do to the others, but Aladdin is mine.

(On the ship)

Iago: (holding his "nose") I shoulda never have come. The monkey already stinks.

(The wind picks up and the ship starts to rock. Iago falls and lands on the deck.)

Iago: All right, who's driving this thing?

(The rope holding the mainsail snaps.)

Aladdin: Secure the mainsail!

(Abu grabs the sail, then Genie takes it from him.)

Genie: I know knots! (ties the rope in place, tangling Abu's tail up in the knot) Come on, Abu! Let's help the captain!

(Abu tries to follow Genie, but can't because his tail is stuck.)

Genie: Hey, Al, whadda we do?

Aladdin: (fighting with the wheel) Okay... ugh... Genie, you... argh... (is hit by a wave and swept away from the wheel)

Iago: He said, "every man for himself"! I distinctly heard him!

Genie: Awaiting orders, captain.

(A tentacle creeps past Genie's feet.)

Genie: Aw, yuck!

(Armand climbs up onto the ship's deck. He pulls off the ship's wheel and throws it overboard, then rips off the sail.)

Genie: (as a fisherman with a harpoon) There'll be calamari on the table tonight, lads!

(Armand grabs Genie and pulls the harpoon out of his hands. He throws it at Iago and hits him in the tail, pinning him to the ship's mast.)

Iago: (annoyed) Do genies drown, I wonder?

(Aladdin is headed towards Armand with a knife, when Saleen suddenly appears on the crest of a wave.)

Saleen: Hi, honey!

Aladdin: Saleen. I should have known!

(Saleen takes a starfish which is hanging around her neck and throws it at Aladdin. It hits his chest and sticks. He tries to pull it off, but it glows and Aladdin yells out in pain. The starfish then detatches and flies back into Saleen's hand, leaving a pink star-shaped mark on Aladdin's chest. Saleen laughs and dives back into the ocean.)

(Genie is still fighting Armand. Armand throws Genie up to the top of the mast, where he hangs on.)

Genie: (dizzy) Captain, request for shore leave.

(Armand jumps into the ocean.)

Genie: Huh, at least she's still floating.

(Armand punches a hole in the ship from underneath, and it starts to sink.)

Iago: Jerk jinx!

Genie: Oh yeah? Let's see you do this! (turns into a giant rubber duckie for the others to ride)

(Armand resurfaces.)

Aladdin: Uh, Genie, we have to move fast!

(Aladdin opens the air valve on the rubber duckie, letting air out and propelling them away from Armand and toward the island. Armand swims ahead of them and blocks their path.)

Iago: Death be quick and merciful!

(The ship's wheel is floating nearby. Aladdin picks it up and throws it in Armand's face.)

Genie: Way to go, Al!

Aladdin: Genie, we have to get out of here.

Genie: Hmm...

Iago: See? He's no good in a crisis! He's freezing up!

Genie: Good idea! Interesting, unexpected, I like it! (freezes Armand in a block of ice)

Aladdin: Yeah, all right!

(A short while later, they have reached the shore of the island.)

Aladdin: We were supposed to rescue the Golden Paiush. Now we're the ones who need rescuing.

Genie: Us? Need rescuing? Nah! (turns into a castaway with a long beard) A shave, maybe.

(Genie zaps some driftwood, pieces of their wrecked ship, and a giant shell and turns them into a wooden beach house.)

Genie: (writing in a journal) "Lost Island: A Journal. Day One. With the limited raw materials the island has to offer I built an oceanfront solar-powered condo."

(Abu is chasing Iago.)

Iago: Do you mind keeping your stinking, wet monkey fur away from me?

Aladdin: Hey, you guys! I know you all want to go home, but we can't leave until we get the statue! And since that means getting by Saleen, we may be on this island a little while.

Genie: How are we going to survive?!

Aladdin: Maybe you could make lunch.

Genie: No problemo! (creates a table full of food)

Aladdin: Thanks, Genie. Now, Iago—

Iago: Here he goes, ordering us around again.

Aladdin: If everyone pitches in, we can get the statue and get out of here!

Iago: If I were in charge we wouldn't be shipwrecked to begin with!

Genie: Hey! Hey hey hey hey! If anybody's gonna be in charge, other than Al, of course, it would be me. I've got experience. Over ten thousand years of flawless service. Now, here's how I see the chain of command. (turns into a general) ATTENTION!

Aladdin: (chuckles) Come on, Abu. I guess we're on our own.

(Aladdin and Abu walk over to an ocean cliff. Aladdin takes a rope and ties one end around his waist, then jumps into the water. Abu looks worried.)

Aladdin: Don't worry, Abu. If there's any trouble I'll tug on this rope, okay?

Abu: Oh... okay.

(Aladdin takes a deep breath and dives underwater. He sees the Golden Paiush statue and swims over to it. He then unties the rope from his waist and ties it around the statue. A tentacle appears and holds the knot still while he ties it.)

Aladdin: Thanks. (realizes what happened and looks up to see Armand)

(Armand pulls on the rope. Abu sees this and runs to get help. Aladdin kicks Armand in the face, then ties the rope around him. He then starts swimming up to the surface. Saleen watches all of this, smiling.)

(Back on the beach)

Genie: (to Iago) You are not not a leader! You are little, you spout one-liners, you are a sidekick!

(Iago is about to respond when Abu shows up and starts pointing frantically toward where Aladdin dived in.)

Genie: What do you mean? Al's right there!

(Genie points to a different part of the ocean, where Aladdin is swimming around in circles, jumping up out of the water like a dolphin.)

Iago: Oh, I'm so glad our esteemed leader found time to goof off!

(Underwater, Armand has just untangled himself from the rope and is moping.)

Saleen: Oh, Armand, quit pouting! You're not losing your touch. Aladdin is feeling mine. Soon he will no longer be an enemy but a creature of the sea. One of my loyal fishies. (laughs)

(Aladdin is out of the water now and is standing on the beach.)

Aladdin: I'll get the statue next time, Abu. I never knew I could swim so fast. I didn't even come up for air the whole time! Kinda strange, huh?

(Aladdin's feet change into flippers.)

Aladdin: Huh?

(Aladdin's hands turn into flippers as well, and he screams.)

Iago: (to Genie) You couldn't lead—

(They hear Aladdin screaming.)

Genie: Oh, now look. We were supposed to make some lunch and now the poor kid's crying of hunger. (creates a grill and starts grilling fish) Stoke your buds for grilled grouper a la Genie!

Aladdin: (walking over to them) Uh, Genie, I...

(Aladdin sees the raw fish on a table next to the grill. He starts growling, pounces on the fish, and starts to eat them.)

Abu: Yuck!

Genie: If you snack now you'll ruin your appetite!

Iago: Ugh, he's certainly not helping mine!

(The starfish shape on Aladdin's chest starts to glow, and he suddenly grows gills.)

Genie: Al, you look a little green around the gills!

(Aladdin struggles to breathe.)

Genie: Since when does he have gills?

Genie and Iago: Saleen!

(Aladdin drinks an entire jug of water, but still is struggling to breathe. He then grows a dorsal fin on his back and his face becomes elongated like a shark's. His skin becomes darker, and then his feet turn into a fish's tail. He snaps at Abu and Iago.)

Genie: (picking Aladdin up) Easy now!

(Aladdin hits Genie in the face with his tail and starts crawling towards the water.)

Genie: Iago! Stop Al!

Iago: Yeah, right!

(Abu grabs Aladdin's tail and tries to stop him, but he's too weak.)

Genie: We can't let him reach the ocean! Saleen'll get him!

Iago: Well we can't just let him sit there! He's not wet enough... if you know what I mean.

Genie: (creates a fire hose) We'll get him some water!

Iago: That's not gonna work! He's a fish, not a tomato!

(Abu jumps up and down on Genie's head angrilly.)

Genie: You're right, Abu. Now would be a good time for the parrot and myself to quit arguing. Al!

(Aladdin passes out. The others all scream, then Genie creates a giant fishbowl to put Aladdin in. Genie jumps in it with him.)

Genie: Come on, Al! Wake up!

(Aladdin's gills begin to work.)

Genie: That's it! Attaboy! Nothing guarantees a speedy recovery like a happy aquarium. Now, how about some pretty day-glo gravel, and maybe some artificial kelp...

(Iago and Abu are hitting the side of the fishbowl frantically, trying to get Genie's attention.)

Iago: Behind you!

Genie: When creating an aquatic atmosphere, it's all in the details. The little touches.

(Aladdin is behind Genie. He is now almost completely a shark, except that he still has arms instead of fins.)

Genie: Feeling better, I see.

(Aladdin tries to bite Genie.)

Genie: Now that you have row after row of razor-sharp teeth, regular brushing is a must! (sticks a toothbrush in Aladdin's mouth to keep him from biting, then jumps out of the fishbowl) I'm not even going to mention that he needs mouthwash!

Iago: Yeah, well what if Saleen's just getting warmed up?

Genie: Unbreakable, elemental-proof glass. She won't get to Al.

Iago: I'd say this qualifies as gotten to!

(Saleen is watching all this through a telescope.)

Saleen: (giggles) My spell worked! Aladdin makes for a mighty sea monster. Time to see if he can come out to play.

(Saleen gives Armand the telescope and swims toward the island. Armand throws it into the sea, angrilly.)

Genie: I have to reverse Saleen's spell! (gets ready to zap Aladdin)

Iago: Hold it!

Genie: Who died and left you king?

Iago: Nobody died, but our previous leader did undergo a slight change in species!

(Water starts spouting up through the sand around Aladdin's fishbowl.) 

Iago: It's a Saleen attack!

Genie: Oh? What was your first clue?

(A giant spout of water appears directly under the fishbowl, overturning it and pushing Aladdin out into the sea.)

Genie: Al! No! Well, my feathered associate, it is safe to say...

Iago: We blew it.

(They look out at the ocean and see Aladdin swimming on the surface, with Saleen on his back.)

Saleen: Hello!

(They swim out past the horizon.)

(Abu chatters at the others angrilly.)

Iago: The monkey is right!

Genie: It doesn't matter who's the leader. Only one thing matters: we've got to save Al!

(Setting: under the sea. Aladdin is doing underwater acrobatics, while Saleen watches.)

Saleen: Bravo! Okay, now do a double-back sommersault barrel-roll spin.

(Aladdin shakes his head "no". Saleen touches the starfish around her neck, and Aladdin's arms turn into fins. He is now completely a shark. Aladdin then does the sommersault Saleen ordered him to do.)

Saleen: Very impressive, Aladdin.

(Armand is watching Aladdin and Saleen jealously. He tries to sneak the starfish from around Saleen's neck, but Aladdin knocks him away. The two are about to fight, but Saleen separates them.)

Saleen: Honestly, Armand! You are constantly getting under-fin! Can't you see Aladdin and I are busy? (strokes Aladdin's side)

(Armand swims away, looking hurt.)

(A hook and line is dangling nearby, and Genie is on the end of the hook in the form of a worm.)

Genie: It's that starfish!

(On the surface, Abu is holding the fishing pole. Genie tugs on the line and Abu pulls him back up.)

Iago: Come on, come on! What'd you see?

Genie: Two words, boys: magical starfish. Saleen is using one to control Al.

Iago: Whadaya mean "control"?

Genie: Let's just say Armand is out and Al is in.

Iago: Aladdin is Saleen's new flunkie?!

Abu: Nuh uh! Nuh uh! Nuh nuh uh!

Iago: I'm with the monkey. No way! That kid gives orders, he doesn't take 'em!

Genie: Well, I don't know how to prove it to you...

(Aladdin jumps out of the water and tries to bite Genie, but misses. He's caught on the end of Abu's fishing pole, and pulls Abu with him as he swims away.)

Iago: (flying after them) Hang on!

(Aladdin shakes himself loose from the fishing pole. Abu is thrown high into the air, then lands in the water, tangled up in the fishing line. Aladdin swims back and tries to eat him, but the pole sticks in his mouth and keeps it propped open.)

Genie: Al, come back to us! If you eat little Abu, well, it's gonna put a strain on the friendship. (to Iago) Psst! Get Abu out of there!

Iago: No way!

(Saleen is watching this from underwater.)

Saleen: Why hasn't Aladdin obeyed my command?

(Iago tries to pull Abu free from the fishing line that has him trapped in Aladdin's mouth.)

Iago: Taking orders from a genie...

Saleen: (holding the starfish) Munch the monkey!

(Aladdin tries to bite down on Abu and Iago, but Genie pulls them both out in time. Aladdin then swims down to Saleen.)

Saleen: Silly Aladdin. You must learn the secret to life under the sea. My word is law!

(Saleen touches the starfish again, and Aladdin nods sadly.)

(Genie, Abu, and Iago are on the beach again, panting with exhaustion.)

Iago: Okay, number one: Saleen controls Al with that starfish.

Genie: As I said earlier...

Iago: Noted. Number two: Al's not completely gone. You got through to him for a minute there.

Genie: Yep. Inside that vicious sea beast is our pal Al.

(Abu jumps up and down and chatters excitedly.)

Genie: Right! (magics up a celebrity gossip magazine with Ariel on the cover; reading) "Since Saleen has made our friend Aladdin her new 'catch of the day', Armand, the multi-armed menace from the deep, is yesterday's news."

(Setting: under the sea. Armand is wearing boxing gloves and hitting a punching bag, and Genie is with him, dressed as a coach.)

Genie: Okay, that's right, good. Okay! Now close your eyes and focus on a target. Say, a human-turned-shark who's stolen the attention of everybody's favorite elemental. (whispering to Armand) How would you like to be Saleen's number one golden squid again, huh? Meet me topside. We'll talk.

(Genie swims to the surface. Armand follows him.)

(Setting: the beach. Genie, Abu, Iago, and Armand are all holding flags with a picture of Genie's lamp on them.)

Genie: All right, Team Aladdin, let's go! All right!

Abu: (pointing) Look!

(Saleen is riding along the surface of the water in a chariot made from a seashell. Aladdin is pulling the chariot, and Saleen is hitting him with a whip.)

Saleen: Faster, Aladdin! Faster!

(Genie turns into a ramp in front of them.)

Saleen: What?!

(Aladdin misses the ramp, but Saleen hits it and is thrown into the air, then lands in the water.)

Saleen: Aladdin?

(Saleen raises up a giant wave beneath her and looks around. Armand taps her on the shoulder, and when she's looking in that direction, Iago swoops down and steals her starfish necklace.)

Saleen: No!

(Saleen shoots a stream of water at Iago, who drops the starfish. Abu catches it and breaks it in half.)

Saleen: My starfish!

Abu: All right!

(The starfish shape disappears from Aladdin's chest and he passes out. Genie saves him and carries him to the beach, where he transforms back into a human.)

Aladdin: Abu, run!

(Saleen is chasing after Abu, riding a wave toward the beach.)

Saleen: I'm gonna smoke your oysters!

(Saleen turns her fins into legs and continues chasing Abu along the beach, shooting water at him. Abu shouts something in monkey-speech.)

Iago: You heard the little furball! Now!

Aladdin: Guess you're on, Genie!

Genie: Not me, Al. Our secret weapon!

(Armand rises out of the water behind Saleen holding the giant magic-proof fishbowl from earlier in the episode, traps Saleen inside of it, then dives back into the water before she can see who did it.)

Saleen: What?!

Genie: (knocking on the glass) Elemental-proof.

Iago: Nya nya nya nya nya nya!

(Saleen pouts.)

(Genie swims down under the water where Armand is hiding.)

Genie: Armand, it's been delightful. Give us a minute to pick up old Paiush and Saleen is yours again.

(Armand winks at him.)

(Setting: dusk. Saleen is watching Aladdin's ship sail away.)

Saleen: Land-dwelling wretches!

(Armand steps out of the water, flexing his tentacles like biceps.)

Saleen: Armand! My hero!

(Armand lifts the fishbowl off of Saleen and throws it into the water. Saleen hugs him.)

Saleen: How I've missed my little squidums! We'll get 'em next time, Armand!

(Setting: Aladdin's ship, which is actually Genie in the form of a sailboat.)

Iago: (controlling the rudder) Full throttle, matey!

Aladdin: Thanks, Abu. If you hadn't pulled the guys together I'd still be under Saleen's spell. Good thinking. You did Paiush proud.

Iago: Forget the monkey! It was I who turned the tide of battle! It was I who was destined to command!

Genie: Quit swerving!

Iago: I'll tolerate no mutiny on my ship! Hee hee hee hee hee!

(The rudder moves suddenly and knocks Iago down three times.)

Iago: Okay, take that! (moves the rudder suddenly so that it smacks the side of the boat)

Genie: Ow! Aye aye, Captain.

Iago: Ouch!

THE END