Sacred Couch

Linda: Yay!

Family TV night.

Chippin' and sittin' and channel flippin'... it's everything we're good at.

Also windsurfing. We never tried it, but I think we'd surprise ourselves.

I tried windsurfing once. That's the whole story.

Shh. I love this commercial.

Everyone, shh.

I'm the Sofa Queen, and I'm here to banish your ugly furniture.

This child's bedroom set offends me.

Off with his bed.

Boom! Just like that, he's got a new bed.

That's a futon fit for a fool.

I'm gonna replace it, but with a couch, (mouthing): because normal adults do not own futons.

Lin? Are you mouthing along with the commercial? Shh!

(mouthing): I command my subjects to visit the Sofa Queen Furniture Outlet.

Off Route 9 in Bog Harbor.

Boi-oi-oi-oing!

Aw. I love the Sofa Queen.

Her sofas are firm but they're fair.

Uh, Dad?

Yeah?

While we're on the subject of couches, maybe it would be a good time for you and Mom to have, you know, the talk? Oh.

What's she mean? What talk?

Is this about how messy Mom's purse has been?

I love balled-up receipts as much as the next guy, but come on!

No, Gene.

Um, Lin, you really love the Sofa Queen, right?

Maybe we should go to her store sometime.

Ooh, fun.

That would be fun.

And...? Dad...?

Uh, and while we're there, maybe we could get a new couch.

What?!

No, Bobby, no. I love our couch.

It's family.

No, no, absolutely not. No.

We're family. And we're sitting on the floor.

The couch smells really bad, Lin.

It smells like memories.

Memory musk.

It smells like if all the food we've spilled on it had a war with all the butts that sat on it.

(inhaling) I'm mostly getting Dad.

The stuffing in the cushions is all lumpy.

Well your cushions are pretty lumpy, too, mister.

Aw, I love your lumps. Come on, let me t... Come on, let me t... Ow, ow. Ow!

Mom, there's a damp spot on the couch that somehow never dries.

Ever! It's always there!

Yeah, like magic. It's special.

Mmm! We have a history with this couch. Gene had his first throw up on it, 'member?

(grunts)

I remember that happening in an infinity pool, but whatever.

Tina teethed on the armrest. Remember that?

(mumbles)

Yeah, we called the pediatrician to see if couch foam was okay for babies.

He said no.

Aw, he did.

He said she could've choked and died.

And you, Louise, with your couch forts.

Fire!

Ugh, Mom, we get it.

The couch is just a thing. And when things are old, you get rid of 'em. Like libraries.

Okay, I think the fairest way to do this is to put it to a vote.

Everyone in favor of replacing the couch raise your hand.

(growls)

Looks like it's three to two, Bob.

Mom's right, Louise. The couch is family.

You too, Gene? Seriously?

You're asking me to vote against Mom?

I know where my butter's breaded.

That's my boy.

Come up on the couch with Mama.

Come on.

No!

I think I'm gonna get some snacks.

Dad, you like snacks, right? You snack, huh?

Uh, sure, sometimes.

(scoffing)

Why are you pulling me?

Ugh!

What happened out there, Dad?

Where-where were you?

Louise, I tried.

Not hard enough.

Look, we'll get rid of the couch someday.

How? Mom's never gonna give it up.

I don't know, maybe something will happen to it.

Were you serious about the snacks? 'Cause I hid some fudge pretzels from Gene, if you're interested.

Back up. What-what do you mean, something will happen to it?

I don't know. Maybe something will happen to the couch that'll make even your mom want to get rid of it.

Right.

Accidents happen to couches every day. Sure.

I bet that's true.

Mm-hmm.

Found 'em.

Ugh, Gene got to 'em.

And he left a note. "Checkmate."

(snoring)

Oops! What am I doing?

(laughing): Oops, I keep doing it.

Stop.

(sawing continues)

Yay, family TV night!

Why do we call it family TV night if we do it every night?

Louise, you sure you don't want to join your mom over here on the couch?

Uh, pass.

Fine. More couch for me.

Gene! Tina! Where are you?

Get in on this, babies.

First one on the couch gets to pick the show.

You drive a hard bargain, woman.

I want something with adult situations but I'd settle for mature themes.

Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

Aah!

(distorted screams)

Oh, my God!

Oh, my word!

Oh, my God!

Couch?

Couch, say something!

Give it mouth to mouth!

Well, I guess we're getting a new couch after all.

Yay!

Anyway. Yay.

(cries)

The couch was too beautiful for this world.

I'm sorry, Lin.

What's that?

It's instructions for whoever wants to take it home, Bob.

Oh. That's optimistic.

"Good with children. Does not fold out into a bed. Just folds out because it's broken."

Oh, my God! What happened here?

The couch is gone, Teddy.

Linda, Linda, Linda. I am so sorry.

Oh, you know, I... I-I just keep having to tell myself it's-it's life.

It is. You know? It's natural.

It is. I got a recliner that's getting on in years.

Might be time to start making arrangements.

Come on, people. Are we gonna stand around all day, or are we gonna go get a new couch?

Oh, hold your horses.

I want to be here if anyone takes it.

Uh, I can keep an eye on it.

I'll be here all day. Mr. Fischoeder hired me to do some repairs next door.

The holistic healing place that moved out stripped all the copper out of the walls.

Hmm. Still smells like incense in there, though.

It's gonna be my most relaxing day of work ever.

Anyway, I'll see that the couch goes to a good home.

Aw, thank you, Teddy.

Yeah, thanks, Teddy!

Bye!

Wait, wait, I need to get a picture.

And a lock of its hair.

Ooh, it's my hair.

Here we are.

The commercial doesn't do the place justice.

Actually, it does.

(gasps) There she is. Oh.

Welcome to the Sofa Queen Furniture Outlet.

What can I furnish you with today?

Uh, is the Sofa Queen here? My wife is a huge fan.

I'm afraid she's not, at the moment.

Great. The queen's not even here?

Oh, what's the point of anything?

Well, the queen might not be here, but maybe you'd like to meet her loyal servant and brother-in-law, the Sofa Jester.

That's me.

(humming a tune)

Well, this is kind of fun. Right? Lin?

Maybe. Say what you say in the commercial.

Oh, you mean: "Off Route 9 in Bog Harbor. Boi-oi-oi-oing!"

Again.

Off Route 9 in Bog Harbor.

Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

I'm numb, say it until I feel something.

Lin...

Off Route 9 in Bog Harbor.

Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

One more time.

Okay, that's okay.

Thanks. Thanks. No, no, no.

We're done. Why? What?

Let's go browse around.

Oh, just browsing?

No, no, we're gonna, I mean, we're definitely gonna buy something.

No. It's okay, you're browsing.

Um, uh, no.

We're browsing until we buy.

I'll believe it when I see it.

Bob: Wow. So many options.

It's like a rave for furniture.

(phone rings) Oh, it's Teddy.

Hi, Teddy.

Hi, Lin. It's Teddy.

Yeah. The couch, the couch! How's the couch?

Uh, it's okay, it's here with me now.

One guy showed some interest, but he had a beard, so I moved him along.

Ew, a beard.

Shoo, shoo! Some pigeons just landed on it.

Oh! Get 'em off.

Get 'em off it! Hey, shoo. Shoo.

Aw, come on, get out of here.

Get out of here! Now pigeons. Pigeons are on it now.

Get off the couch!

No, it was...

(stammers) No, no, no, I'm yelling at the pigeons.

(stammers) You can't tell what I'm doing here?

I'm yelling at the pigeons.

Officer, I'm yelling at the pigeons.

Geez! Mom's got to pull herself together and move on.

Give her some time. She's in shock.

What happened to the couch was such a weird freak accident.

(cackling)

Why are you laughing like that?

Weird freak accident?

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

You did that?

Did I weaken the wood under the couch by shaving it down with the file Mom uses on your toenails?

No. Wink.

I can't believe it.

Well, you should, because it was your idea, Dad.

What?! No, it wasn't.

(deep voice): Maybe something will happen to the couch.

I get it...

You said that.

I said... But I didn't mean...

You ordered a hit.

You can't unorder it.

I did not order a hit, Louise.

You didn't want to dirty your pretty hands, but you're not gonna hang me out to dry on this!

Oh, God, here she comes.

(whispering): This isn't over.

It is over, 'cause we're getting a new couch, 'cause I did what you didn't have the dumplings to do.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Lin.

Teddy said somebody in shorts tried to sit on the couch.

He got there just in time.

That's great.

Well, uh, time to look around.

Look at all the high chairs.

That's the way to live. Why does anyone use low chairs anyway?

Yeah! All chairs should have safety straps and pictures of bears on them.

I'm gonna ask Mom and Dad to buy one.

I'm sure I could still fit.

Ha! Good luck, Teenage Mutant Teenager Legs.

Uh, look who's talking, Girth Brooks.

I beg your pardon?

I've been a size six for years.

I bet I can still fit in a high chair and you can't.

What's the winner get?

Hmm. A week of piggyback rides?

You're on.

(both grunting)

Uh, uh, uh.

Huh?

Salesman: Let me guess, high chair bet?

Uh... Uh...

I've seen it before and it doesn't end well.

Sorry, we'll get down.

No, please.

I support your foolhardy wager.

We have a "you break it, you buy it" policy and I work on commission.

Wow, what a nice guy.

So this is fun, right?

It's going pretty good.

You think so? We've looked at 12 couches, Louise.

Your Mom yelled at three of them and gave one the finger.

Ooh, try this one, Mom. Take it for a spin.

I'll sit on it because I'm tired.

This doesn't mean anything, Mr. Couch.

No funny business.

Well? How does it feel?

Eh. Maybe this one's not terrible.

Come here, come-come try it. Ha!

Yeah. It does feel good.

It's all right. It's okay. Hmm.

Yeah, not bad.

Just browsing? Okay. There you go. Walking away.

All right, coast is clear.

On the count of three, jump into your high chair.

Is this how babies do it?

Fun babies. One...

This might be a bad idea.

Two...

I take it back, it's a great idea!

Bob: Gene, Tina.

Ugh.

What does he want?

Oh! Found one you like, huh?

Well, you have excellent taste.

This might be the comfiest couch in the store.

And I'm not just pushin' cushions. Boi-oi-oi-oing!

Mm. Maybe no more boings. Sorry.

Uh, guys, try out this couch. Nice.

This is some real butt candy.

It doesn't drip when you sit on it.

We'll take it. No need to wrap it up, we'll wear it home.

Uh, how much does it cost?

Only $1,399.99.

Kids, get off. Don't even look at it.

Well, n...

Wait, wait.

I could sell you this floor model for $499.99.

Wow, now that's a good deal.

Boi-oi-oi...

Sorry.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm. Now there's no returns and I have to point out it does have a stain on it.

(all laugh)

We'll teach it what stains are.

So you'll take it?

Mom, are you okay with this?

Sure. Sure, let's do it. Let's do it.

Terrific! I'll get the paperwork.

And I'm supposed to do my little jester dance when I make a sale.

Uh, we're good. You sure?

It's quite playful.

Fine. Just go ahead, yeah, yeah, do it.

♪ Yuh, gah-gah gah-gah, goy ♪ ♪ Yuh, mm, hey, ma-mommy ♪ ♪ Uh-ma, may, Na, byoya, oh! ♪

Linda, this is gonna be good, right?

Yeah, you're right.

Maybe this was for the best, you know? Who knows?

See, Dad? It worked.

What?

Hmm? What did yo...? Wait. What did you say?

I don't know. What-what did you... what did you say?

The... Wh-What?

You said, "It worked." What... worked?

What worked?! All right, fine!

We put the couch out of its misery!

It was dying anyway.

What?! What?! Oh, God.

But look at this! Pretty new couch, right?

It's so pretty.

Who's "we?" Bob?

Mm. What?

"We put the couch out of its misery." Who's we?

Wha-What? I... I'm sorry. I... What?

Were you a part of this?

I would like to say, I was just getting fudge pretzels, and...

Checkmate!

I know, Gene.

And I did not mean in any way to cause...

Monsters! Monsters!

Linda! Wait!

(Linda mutters, cries, wails)

Okay. Perhaps I can throw in some pillows and blankets, 'cause it looks like you're gonna be sleeping on this couch.

Ha! Jesters. Always gotta be on.

(panting): Linda! Wait!

You and Louise killed the couch, Bob!

You Kevorkianed it!

Lin? Lin?

Look, I'm not good at running around things, so just stop, so we can talk.

Why'd you do it, Louise?

You played God, and our couch wasn't even religious!

Oh, don't you two couch-huggers start with me!

Huh.

That lady looks familiar.

Gene (gasping): It's the Sofa Queen!

The leader of the Ottoman Empire.

Excuse me. I got to see a sofa queen about a drama queen.

(knocking on door)

Who is it?

Uh, your Royal Highness?

(fanfare plays)

Oh, my God, it's the Sofa Queen.

Curtsy time!

Oh, right.

(Gene and Tina groaning)

Is that your wife?

(sobbing)

What'd you do to her?

It's... uh, it's a long story.

I thought we were getting a snack, and then, I...

Okay, okay, okay. Let the woman with the crown talk her down.

She's really good at this.

She talked me into marrying her sister.

That's why she's the queen and you're not.

I know, I know.

You could never be queen.

I know!

(gasping, jabbering, wailing)

(sniffling)

Please don't blow your nose on my display furniture.

(gasps) It's you.

Your Majesty, it's really you!

And it's really you, lady crying in the middle of a store.

Come on, make some room. (cries)

Oh, I don't like this.

We sell this?

Did you bring this?

I don't think so.

Not much we can do here.

Yeah, Sofa Queen's got this.

To the high chairs?

To the high chairs.

(whispering): To the high chairs!

They did what?!

I know, right?

You don't do that to a woman's couch!

The couch I raised my babies on!

Horrible! Hey, Bob!

Oh, no.

Uh, yes, Your Majesty?

What's wrong with you?

I didn't, um...

I wasn't thinking.

It's complicated 'cause I...

Don't touch that!

Sorry.

I got to say, that sounds like a special couch.

You got any pictures?

Yeah, I took one this morning... here.

Look, there you go. Mm.

Oh, that's, uh...

Yeah.

Uh... Hmm.

Good couch, right?

It's got character.

Yeah, it's got character splattered all over it.

Linda, that's what we call in the industry a nasty couch.

Oh. Right. I gue... I gue... I guess it's bad.

I guess it's bad. (chuckles)

Okay, it's bad.

Linda, you're gonna think I'm only trying to sell you a new couch, and I am.

I'm the Sofa Queen.

But I think you know what you gotta do.

What?

You know.

I do?

Yes.

New couch?

New couch.

I love you.

I know.

Give me huggies!

Too much.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.

Don't touch the queen.

Sor-Sorry. Sorry.

So it's really happening... we're getting a new couch.

It is, and you are welcome.

We're actually replacing Old Stinko.

Yup.

John Stain-mos.

Mm-hmm.

Old... Fartcatcher.

Okay, Dad, take it easy.

Back off a little.

Sorry, I-I got on a roll there.

(both yelling)

Get it off! Get it off!

Why did we do this?!

It pinches! It pinches!

This can't be safe for babies! (groaning)

(Tina and Gene groaning) Aah!

Why am I doing this?!

I knew I wouldn't fit.

What came over me?!

It's intoxicating!

Aah!

Linda: Come on, everybody eat faster so we can start TV night on the new couch!

Where are the napkins?

Do you mean the paper towel roll?

Yeah.

This guy hangs out with a queen.

Now he's using napkins.

(sighs) Someone kicked the paper towel roll down the hall.

Again. Louise, did you do that?

Kick the paper towel roll?

Of course.

It's a paper towel roll.

Right. Well, would you get it, please?

Ugh! Fine!

Oh. Huh.

Hi. Well, this is awkward.

Just... not gonna look out there again.

Oh, God, I looked.

I see you, okay?!

I know what you're trying to pull, looking all pathetic on the curb.

But it's not gonna work.

I'll just close my eyes.

(laughs)

Okay, shouldn't have closed my eyes.

Louise, I need a paper towel, please.

Gene motorboated his pasta again.

Oh.

Mm-hmm. Old couch.

Yup. It's gonna be fine, right?

Are you kidding? It's gonna be great!

It's got a rich, full life ahead of it.

Ooh! Ooh!

It-It's gonna shake that off.

Yeah, that wasn't... that sad.

No.

There you are!

You missed the part of dinner where we all put our plates in the sink and pretend somebody's gonna do the dishes.

All right, new couch, here we come!

So this is what it feels like to sit upright.

It's nice.

The room looks different.

Oh, here comes another car.

Is it gonna...? Oh, God.

(water splashing)

It hit the puddle.

Looked like he went out of his way to hit it.

What am I being so sappy about?

Sure I liked making couch forts, but I can make forts with the new couch.

Uh, actually, the cushions don't come off.

Oh. Okay, but the old couch is scruffy.

I mean... (scoffs) we don't keep scruffy things in this house, right?

Are you serious?

Oh, right.

Yeah.

It's like Scruff City.

Son of a bitch.

We gotta go get it.

Hmm. Sounds like you just said, "We've gotta go get it."

Like, right now.

What are you guys talkin' about over there?

We gotta get the old couch back.

Oh, thank God.

I don't know who I am on this couch.

Yeah! I don't like who I am on this couch.

What?! Oh, no, no, no!

I wanted to keep the old couch, but you told me I was nuts!

So we went through all this, and now you think it isn't nuts?

It is pretty nuts, you guys.

I know, okay?

It's just, how can you not look at that stinky old couch out there and not want it inside?

It's... it's one of us.

Yeah! Old couch came out of Mom!

So, you do like the old couch?

No! It's a gross, lumpy, dumpy monster, and... aah!

Let's just go get it, okay?

Uh... all right.

Let's go! Let's do it!

Oh, my God, it's gone!

Linda, Gene, Tina and Louise: What?!

Good news! Someone picked up the couch!

No! No! No!

You guys react weird to good news.

Gene: Yes!

Where the freak is our couch?!

It was here just a second ago.

Yeah, these guys came and got it. I would've told you, but I didn't want to interrupt your time with the new couch.

Those first moments of bonding are so important.

Who was it?

Some teenage boys.

They were in a band.

Exchange me for the couch.

I'm willing to make that sacrifice.

No, Tina.

A band?!

Why did they want our couch?

Probably to sit on.

Lazy band.

They invited me to their show.

It's next Friday at the Ear Drum.

I haven't been to a rock show in a while.

What do I wear? Are sleeveless shirts still cool?

We've got to go to the Ear Drum and see if anyone knows how to find these guys.

Yeah. Or we could just go back upstairs and think about all the good times we had with the...

Come on, we're going!

Let's go! Mm-hmm.

Yeah, scope it out. Pay attention to the shirts.

Sleeves? No sleeves? Let me know!

It's four teenage boys.

They're playing here next Friday.

Oh, I know those guys.

Yeah, w-what do they call themselves now?

They're-they're always changing their name.

Uh, used to be the Melon Smashers.

Then they were the Vase Breakers.

Now they're called, um... oh, yeah, yeah, the Couch Burners.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Oh, God.

The Couch Burners?

Those idiots are gonna burn our couch and put it on their flyer!

Oh, they got your couch, huh?

Well, why'd you give your couch to the Couch Burners?

Look: on both flyers, they're standing on the railroad tracks.

Bob: Hey, that's the old train depot.

You're an old train depot!

Come on, people. We got a couch to save.

(lighter clicks open)

After we get the shot we're gonna use, we should get one silly one, just for sillies.

Oh, sure, yeah.

There they are!

Bunch of sick sofa psychos!

And there's the couch!

Get 'em, Dad!

Run, Bobby!

Why do I have to...?

Oh, fine.

(wheezing)

Excuse me! Hey!

Dude, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, I just...

Uh, are you the, uh, Couch Burners?

Oh, my God, have you heard of us?

Uh, I'm really sorry to do this, but we need that couch back.

It's ours, and you're not gonna burn it!

We found this thing on the street.

Finders, keepers.

Keepers, burners.

It's gonna be immortalized on our new flyer, so... you're welcome.

Ha.

Listen, the couch has been in the family a long time.

Please give it back to us.

Sir, I get it. You love the couch.

Yes, we do.

But if you love something, set it on fire.

Those are good lyrics, man.

I know, right?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

What if we could get you a different couch to burn, huh?

Yeah, yeah!

A buh-buh better couch!

Linda, you're not talking about the new couch? Why not?

Yeah, Dad, why not?

'Cause it cost $499.99.

It's a floor model. We can't return it!

Yeah, Bob. What did you think we were gonna do with it when we took the old one back?

I was imagining we'd prop one couch up on the other one, so it looked like they were making love.

Aw.

Mmm!

Well, we could sell it.

Damn it, Dad! Do you want the old couch back or don't you?!

(sighs) Okay, fine.

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on a second.

We don't know anything about this new couch.

Yeah!

What's going on there?

Well, what do you need to know?

Well, like, can you burn it?

Um, yeah, you can.

Okay, we'll take it!

(flames crackling, camera shutter clicks)

All right, guys, one more.

(camera shutter clicks)

No, you had your eyes closed again, so... one more.

Here we go. All right, eyes are still closed, so...

I... Still? Yeah, just open them.

You had them closed.

I so feel like my eyes are open.

Open your eyes and let me take this.

All right.

(camera shutter clicks)

All of you, closed.

Okay, we both... Guys, we got to take it while it's still burning.

If you put one foot in front of the other, you'll look thinner.

Yeah, that's perfect.

Bob: Ugh. We got the couch back, Mom. We did it.

Yup. Who knows a good upholsterer? Anyone?

I do know a good upholsterer.

He's on Cape Cod!

Quick fort while we're waiting for new couch to burn?

Sure! Dibs on the spot that smells like guacamole!

Singer (speaking): ♪ If you love something ♪ ♪ Set it on fire ♪ ♪ Like a couch ♪ ♪ Or your shoes ♪

Linda: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Band (singing): ♪ If you love something ♪ ♪ Set it on fire ♪ ♪ If you love something ♪ ♪ Set it on fire ♪

Singer (speaking): ♪ If you love something ♪ ♪ Set it on fire ♪

Band (singing): ♪ But safety first! ♪ ♪ Safety first! ♪