The Foghorn Leghorn Story

When are you gonna learn how to swim? Swimming's for losers who can't afford boats. [Blabbering] Go away. [Muffled blabbering] No, I don't want to play. [Blabbering] I said I don't want to play. [Panting] There's leash laws, you know. [Birds chirping] What the? [Panting] Hey! No! Stop it! Bugs, control your Tasmanian Devil. He's digging up the yard again. I'm warning you, you get anymore dirt on me, and there will be consequences. Well, next time there will be consequences. Maybe. Probably not. Hmm. What's this line for? A movie. Movie, huh? Must be good. Long line. Next. One ticket and a large popcorn. Oh, and I'm a senior citizen. And a student. And active military. So just go ahead and give me those discounts. Excuse me? What's this movie about anyway? It's the Foghorn Leghorn story. A rags to riches tale of a poor rooster who grows up to become one of the world's greatest entrepreneurs. Snooze fest. What else is playing? This line is to audition for the role of Mr. Foghorn Leghorn. This guy? You're making a movie about this guy? Pbblt! Ha! Let me give you some advice, sister. No one's gonna want to spend 2 hours looking at some ugly bird with a red pompadour, and a big, fat gut. Ugh! Son, you better watch what you say. Or you might just find yourself with the lead role. Heh heh heh. Mr. Leghorn, I think that would be a huge mistake. A huge mistake is wearing that blouse with those shoes, Carol. Son, I say, son, has anybody ever told you you've got chutzpah? Sounds vaguely familiar, but I don't speak Spanish. Sir, don't you remember? He's the idiot who destroyed your company. I only remember the positive, Carol. That's why I'm a success. I like you, son. You speak your mind. That's just what this movie needs. Pbblt. I have a lot better things to do with my time than to star in your stupid movie. Like what? Touché. Ha ha ha! You can all go home. The role, I say the role, has been cast. [Roosters grumbling] But he's not even a rooster. He's more of a rooster, I say he's more of a rooster than you'll ever be. [Door closes] Don't you think it's a little weird having a duck play a rooster? It's called acting, son. Don't you think it's a little weird that I'm not an actor? Ha ha ha! That's a knee-slapper. You're killing me. [Snoring] Good boy. I don't know why Daffy's always complaining. You don't dig up the yard. Aah! [Thud] [Sighs] I gotta gets me an electric clothes dryer. Aah! Uhh. [Groaning] Eh, what's up, neighbor? I'll tell you what's up. Your dumb dog. He's not a dog, he's a Tasmanian Devil. I don't care what breed he is. When it digs up my yard, we got a problem. Well, we've got another problem. How will we get out of this hole? Come here, boy! [Blabbering] Go get help. [Blabbering] [Snoring] Like I said, dumb dog. Oh, here we go. What's this? This is interesting. It's mine! [Grunting] Uhh! You don't even know what it is. No. [Horn blows] No. [Inhales] No. No. Nope. [Panting] It's a vase. You mean my vase. Why do you want it so badly? You said it was interesting. That's all I needed to hear. Now, good day, sir. Uh, little help? [Grunts] If I'm going to play Foghorn Leghorn in "The Foghorn Leghorn Story," then I need to know all about Foghorn Leghorn. Let's start with your name. What is it? Foghorn Leghorn. Foghorn Leghorn. Ok, Foghorn, tell me about yourself. Well, I was born, I say I was born, in 19-- Hey, this isn't the DMV. I don't care when and where you were born or what your childhood was like or where you went to school or what experiences shaped your outlook on life. If I'm gonna play you, then I'm going to need more than just some dumb facts. I need to know what's in here. Hmm. My passion. Ok, son. From my earliest days, I remember being fascinated by a tale, a tale of a King Baku and his beautiful Queen Yimyong. Now, the Queen had a pet turtle that she loved more than anything. But one day, I say one day, the King found the Queen in tears. The turtle had died. Well, King Baku couldn't bear to see Queen Yimyong cry, so he sent 8 ships, I say 8 ships, in 8 directions with orders to find the most exquisite turtle in the world. One that would never die. Only one ship, I say one ship, returned. And the Captain gave the King a Burmese turtle made of pure gold. And when the King gave the Burmese turtle to his Queen, she burst, I say she burst, with joy. Literally. The King took the Burmese turtle and hid it so that no one, I say no one, would ever burst with joy again. Well, I'm gonna tell you something, son. When I heard that story, I vowed, I say I vowed, to find that turtle. And you know what? I never did. But I learned something worth more than the Burmese turtle. It ain't the treasure, son, it's the quest. And that's, I say that's, what's in here. So basically, you say "I say, I say" a lot? Got it. See you on the set. I say, I say my name is Foghorn Leghorn and I tell boring stories. Hmm. That boy, I say that boy, gets me. [Whistle blows on TV, door opens and closes] You lied. Excuse me? You said this vase was interesting. Well, I've been watching it for 2 hours and it ain't done a thing. It's not supposed to do anything. Then what's interesting about it? Well, it looks pretty old. It could be valuable. Valuable? That's all I needed to hear. So long, sucker. Ha ha! [Door closes] [Door opens] Thanks. [Door closes] This, I say this, is the opening scene of the movie, where I say good-bye to my wonderful mama forever. She's gonna say her line, and then you break down and cry like a baby. Just like I did. I say, I say action. Son, I say, son, remember what I always told you. It's not the treasure, it's the quest. [Wheezes] Cry. Your mama's gone. [Fake sobbing] Man. I'm crying so hard. I say, I say, look at hard I cry. Don't say it, son, do it. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! [Laughing] You're laughing? I don't know, I'm grasping at straws here. I mean, she's not giving me anything. Can't somebody get me a real actress to work with? You heard him. Somebody help that women out of that bed so we can put a real actress in it. "Somebody" means you, Carol. One electric clothes dryer. Will you be paying with cash or credit? Vase. [Door opens and closes] Are you trying to make me look like a fool? You don't need me to make you look like a fool. You're dern right I don't. This thing ain't a valuable. I said it could be valuable. You'd need an expert to know for sure. That's all I needed to hear. Now who's the fool, idiot? Heh heh heh. [Door opens and closes] [Door opens] You know any experts? Now, son, in that box, I say in that box, you believe is the Burmese turtle. It's what you've wanted your whole life. Now, after you say your line, you will start running, which will be my cue to press this button 'causing an elaborate chain reaction which will destroy the entire set. So we only have one shot at this. Are you ready? I was born ready. Let's shoot this, you turkeys. Action. I say, I say, the Burmese turtle is mine. Quick question. When's lunch? Uhh. [Lions roaring] [Gasps] Unbelievable. - It's ridiculous. - I'm out of here. I'm done. You blew the entire stunt. Way to go, turkey. I'm a rooster! Union guys. Well, you win some, you lose some. Gotta know when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em. Four score and seven years. You know what I mean? Are you quitting on me, son? Everybody else quit, so I quit. Mob mentality. I guess I was wrong about you, son. What's that supposed to mean? Roosters are loyal. Roosters never quit. Roosters, I say roosters, fight to the end. And, son, you are no rooster. Did you just call me a no rooster? What are you gonna do about it, huh, son? I say, what are you gonna do about it? Wah! [Knuckles crunch] Huh! Huh! Uhh! Aah! Well, what's your expert opinion? Ooh, unless my eyes deceive me, it appears to be an authentic Satsuma vase. Ooh! What's a Satsuma vase? It's an ornate ceramic vessel from fourteenth century Japan. Is it valuable? Oh, I dare say. Look at this finish, how expertly executed it is. And the color. It's remarkably even. Oh, and we mustn't forget the glaze. Ooh, don't get me started on the glaze. And the trim. Lustrous texture. The buff-tinged enamel. Get to the point, you stupid squirrels. - We're gophers. - Indeed. What's the darn thing worth? Well, given the variables of today's marketplace. The scarcity of Satsuma ceramics. And factoring in the current value of the yen. I'd say your vase is worth approximately-- Both: - A million dollars. - Oh! Now, which one of you lucky two found it? - I-- - I did! I was swimming laps in my pool when my dumb dog dug a hole in my yard. I saw the vase, picked it up, and I very clearly stated, "This is interesting. " That's all I needed to hear. [Groaning] No, it's quite all right. It's just a Tiffany lamp. After all, things are replaceable. [Crash] Well, not that. That was one of a kind. [Both gasp] Aah! [Grunting] Take that! Ow! And that! And that! [Both grunting] Is that all you've got? I'm still standing here. They've broken nearly everything in the store. Well, look on the bright side, soon they'll be nothing left to break. [Both laugh] - Daffy? - Bugs? - Uhh! - Mother. Well, look who finally learned to cry. Boh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh. [Panting] Heh heh heh. Ow! I say ow! [Chomping] Ooh! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Oh, you were. [Both laugh] [Plates shattering] That is smashing. Oh, I made a joke. [Both laugh] I think you might be a rooster after all, son. That's all I ever wanted to be. [Grunts] [Panting] Oh! Ahh. [Slow motion] No! [Gasps] The Burmese turtle! We found it. It's beautiful. I say, it's beautiful. It's mine! Oh, I'm so happy. I've never been filled with so much joy. I feel like I'm about to-- That was interesting. I fe- it's beautiful. To-- I say, I say it's beautiful. It's mine! I gots me so much joy I'm a-gonna burst with joy. [Horn blows] Well, it ain't the-- Well, it ain't the treasure, it's the quest. That's the lesson of this movie. I say, I say! [Applause] Bravo, bravo! Oh, I demand a sequel. I don't get it. Shut up and clap. [Snoring] [Mumbling] Looks like we only sold 6 tickets. we hadn't have made that movie. Well, if we're being honest, I didn't pay for mine. Heh heh heh. Heh heh heh. That, boy, is one of a kind. [Wind howling] [Fly buzzing] [Rattling] Gah. Ahh! [Coughs] [Fly buzzing] Beep beep. Beep beep. It's just about appreciating the journey. It's about valuing experiences over things. What don't you get? Well, for starters, why is a duck playing a rooster? And then the same duck plays me? That don't make no sense. And am I the only one that found all that fighting gratuitous?