Mutiny on the Windbreaker

(ship's horn blows) Bob: Okay, kids, you know the plan. When the ship docks, Gene: bam, bullhorn! Abandon ship! For Bob's Burgers. Then, Tina, when people start coming ashore: pow, coupons! 50% off to all cruise ship passengers. Pow. Try "poo." That always gets attention. Oh, yeah, yeah. No. Poo. Use the bullhorn. No. Poo. (laughs) Never mind. Just don't say anything. Yeah, don't say anything. Where is everyone? Did you hand out the coupons? Yes. Oh, wait. No! What happened? We practiced! We choked, Dad! We planned on handing them out, but then it was noon, and then there was a bug that landed on the ground, and anyway, the day just got away from us. Oh, God... Rooty-toot-toot, someone's wearin' a white suit! I think that's the captain, Lin. White pants, take a chance. Permission to come aboard? Permission given! I'm Captain Flarty. Is this restaurant seaman friendly? You know, I've tried burgers from Maine to Mexico, but this is the best burger I've ever had, Bob. Um, thank you. Maybe you could encourage your passengers to try our burgers. I'll do you one better. Join me as a guest chef on our cruise to Puerto Rico. Really? Ooh... Your family will accompany you, of course. Ten days, all expenses paid. (cackling) Wow, that's quite an offer... Uh... but we really can't afford to leave this place for that long. Kids: Come on! Hmph! Also, I'm supposed to get a meat delivery, and the pickle guy's coming, too, and... You're turning me down? Yeah. Sorry Um... Well, then, would you at least do me the honor (coughs) of cooking just for tonight, Bob, at the captain's table while we're docked? Say yes, say yes, say yes! Um... sure. Uh, yes. Yay! Well, it's something. We'll take it. Outstanding! And meanwhile, your family will have, of course, free run of the ship, and I, I do mean free. Take this VIP card, bride of Bob. Ooh... Women and children first. ♪ And VIPs! ♪ Everyone, listen! This ship is...! (muffled yelling) Fancy? Was he going to say fancy? Sexy? Pregnant? A grand old dame? Don't tell us! Let it be a surprise! (laughing) What's so funny? Oh, just, uh... funny fish I saw. If it's that one, it's hilarious. If it's that one, it's dead, which isn't funny. Welcome aboard the Windbreaker, Belchers! Uh, thank you, Captain. This is our first time on... Aah! Kiki likes you! Go on. Oh, don't be afraid, pet him, pet him. Uh, no, thanks. What is, what is... what is he? I want you to pet him. He's a capybara. Aren't you a capybara? It's the largest member of the rodent family... After Gene. Mm-hmm. (Kiki grunting) Oh, God. Oh, Kiki! That's a big BM, yes. All right, dinner's at six bells. My first mate here, Mr. Asch, will show you to the galley. And you'll show the captain's table how burgers are done. All right, Bobby, have fun cooking! Yeah. Come on, kids. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I want to see how far Kiki gets with Dad's leg. Yeah...! Bob, this is our head chef, Duval. (grunts) Now if you'll excuse me, I've got duty calls. My replacement. I hope that you have a hairnet for your face and arms. I'm not replacing you. I'm just cooking one meal for one night for the captain's table. You remind me of me, back when I was the captain's special guest chef for just "one night," 56 voyages ago! (dramatic tone plays) Ah, there's the dinner rolls. Why does your timer sound like that? It's French! (dramatic tone plays) Okay, over there is the movie theater, and beyond that is the rock-climbing wall. A talking manatee?! I don't know what that is, but I got to see it! All right. Us girls are gonna go hit the spa. Pass. I'm gonna go write dirty words on sunbathers' backs in sunscreen. Yeah, I'd rather not spend all day in a... (moans) I can go to the spa. Look at you, making hamburgers with your fancy beef for the fancy captain's table, Mr. Squishy-Squashy. Mm-hmm. The regular passengers will be enjoying my fresh vegetable stew. Um, none of those vegetables are fresh. The passengers don't care. They only complain if we run out. And when they complain, the captain gets angry. Is he a little crazy? (hushed): Shh! He can hear you. He put a microphone in the cheese grater. Act normal. (humming) Come on. Hum, hum. Okay. Uh... (humming) That's it. Humming like normal. Okay. Announcer: He's a former regional Star Search finalist... she's the sexiest sea cow on the ocean. Together they're Herman and Marilyn! Why were you out so late last night, Marilyn? Listen to this one. Always up my butt. ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, sexy lady, ocean lady. ♪ This is so much safer than the sun. Come on, cook me. (bed buzzes) I can't work on minors. Ship's regulations. I could lose my job. Marco, what if I told you I'm holding a life-threatening amount of tension in my glutes? No glutes. Calves? No. Haunches? No. Muffin top? Back fat? No. Top of head only. Deal. (moans) Don't stop. (moans) Francesca, I don't want to be here, you don't want to be here. So let's make the best of it. Can you do this? Ooh! Cancel the rest of my appointments. Nailed it! Why don't you jump into the ocean and see me sometime? (all laugh) What's your name, handsome? No, it's Gene. Hi, Gene. Hygiene. Something this one could use a little more of. Well, at least my jokes are fresh. Jokes? What jokes? You're the straight man. I use the term loosely. Well, you know loose. I prefer to be called "flexible." My pants feel funny! Good-bye! I need a summer drink to go with my new summer glow! Hey, Isaac, daiquiri me! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. Who wants apps? I'll take 'em all! Hi, Gene. My scalp massage was fantastic. Thanks for asking. How was the puppet show? Weird. I felt like I had to pee the whole time, but I didn't. Whoo, throw a ripped wedding dress on this daiquiri 'cause it is not a virgin! Go ahead and give yourself a big tip on goldie. And this is my son. You can't tell 'cause he's pale and I'm so dark, but take care of him, all right? Looks like the boy who's sweet on you has a silver spoon sticking out of his mouth. Mm-hmm. I think we just found our meal ticket. Duval, you're sweating into your stew. Eh, saves on salt. Oh, God. I'm glad I'm leaving after this meal. It's like a hundred degrees in here. Oh, sorry. I was hogging the fan. Okay. That doesn't work. Thanks. Cool off. Thank you. Cool off. Take it away. Here you are. Ouch. It's on my face. Ah-ah. Ah-ah. Ah-ah. Come on, lady. Let her play it. You've had plenty. (sniffs) Ugh! Oysters? Yes, they're for the brunch tomorrow. Duval, these oysters are spoiled. You're spoiled. Okay. I don't know why I thought you'd be interested in that, but, uh, don't serve those. I am serving them. Don't serve those. I'm serving them. Captain would like to thank the chef. Oh! I meant Bob. Oh. Huh? Hmm. Psst. Urgent whisper. Meet me later. Cabin 308. (coughs) Me? No, the other handsome young man I'm whispering to. I wish I could, but we're leaving after dessert. Well, if you're looking for something sweet... Who are you whispering to?! Him? Oh, leave him alone. You leave him alone. I think you've embarrassed yourself enough for one night! Remember, cabin 308! Honored guests, let's give a big Windbreaker salute to guest chef Bob Belcher! Linda: That's my man! He made your burgers and he made my babies! Ugh. Okay, kids, come on, time to go... Are we moving? Bob Belcher, everyone. Where's the land? Where's the land? Where's the land?! Next stop, Puerto Rico. What?! Looks like you'll be my private chef after all. No, you can't do... Linda, we're being shanghaied! Shanghaied? Ooh! Ancient Chinese vacation! Yay! Yahoo! Boobies! What? Nothing. (whimpers) All right, steady as she goes, Bob. I wouldn't call a ten-day, all-expense-paid cruise "being shanghaied." But you can't force my family to be on this crazy boat for ten days. Oh, come on, Bobby. It's a vacation. You deserve it. We all do. Stop fighting it. This isn't a vacation, Linda, it's a kidnapping. This is a slave ship. You're disoriented, Bob. It happens to some people when they're at sea. You'll adjust once you let yourself relax. Yeah, Bob. Give in. We're not missing anything at home. Hey, Bob, it's Demetri. I'm going to leave your meat outside. Uh, you and Linda are probably upstairs. Back in five minutes, right, buddy? Ooh-ooh-ah-ah! (chuckles) All right. Let's discuss your concerns on the bridge, Bob, where there's s a ship-t-shore radio you're free to use. You can call someone and make arrangements. All right. All right, good man. (quietly): I'm going to let him steer the boat. That always works. You'll get your vacation. Kids, looks like we're on this Puerto Rican cruise for the whole enchilada. So, now I can go to room 308. What's in room 308? I don't know! I wonder if Marco has a 9:00 scalp shiatsu. I'll massage your scalp, Tina. Ow, ow, ow. So, how does this work? The coast guard sends a boat for us or... Wait, this isn't the bridge. Mm-hmm. This is the galley. And it's your home for the next ten days. You're out of your mind. Yes... with hunger. Now get cooking, 'cause I've got room for another burger. And oh! Oh, it looks like Kiki does, too. (grunting) Let him finish! Yes, sir. (panting) Go ahead, Bob. Go ahead, run! Unless you can run on water, there's nowhere for you to go! Damn it, you're right! (laughs) Who's crazy now, Bob? You still are! Ah...! Bob. (over P.A.): Attention crew, this is your captain. Our mustachioed guest chef has gone missing. First one to find him gets their passport back. All right, let's see what these babies can do. (grunts) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Francesca! Hey, Marco. I'm four hours older. Maybe you can rub my neck now? (whispering): Don't tire him out. Do you have penny slots? Yes, we do. Give me a whole roll of pennies 'cause I feel lucky. Marilyn (sing-songy): Who is it? (hushed): It's Gene. I can't talk long, he's in the shower. I got you this mug. I hope you "heart" cruising. Thank you. Uh! (shatters) Herman: Marilyn, who are you talking to? Uh, room service! He's jealous. He never lets me out of his sight. I just need 100 bucks for new headshots, then I can go solo. But where, oh, where will I get $100?! Well, maybe you... Oh, Gene, thank you! It'll just be a loan, I promise. Here's your first interest payment. Marilyn, you never wipe the seat! There's sea water everywhere! (gasps) Run, my little cabbage! Run to $100! (ship's horn blows in distance) Yes! Help! SOS! We've been kidnapped! Man (on bullhorn): Sorry, please repeat! (disco plays) We've been kidnapped! My family's on this boat! (music stops) Is everything okay or is there a problem? (disco plays) Th-The captain is crazy! Help us! (music stops) All I hear is a funky bass line. (disco plays) I know, because he's doing it! Stop turning the music on! Ha-ha! Very funny! Screw you! (music stops, plays) What's the matter, Bob, you don't like high energy dance music?! Killer whale, killer whale, killer whale! Orca! Whoo-ha-ha! Yeah! Uh, Bobby? Bobby? Have you kids seen your father? You mean that creepy guy with the mustache? Yeah. No. Hey, we're trying to sleep in here. Sorry. Penny angel! Feels good. Oh, feels good on my face! Pennies, pennies, pennies. Mom, we talked about this. Pennies, pennies, pennies. Mom, stop. Pennies, pennies, pennies. You're better than this. Pennies, pennies, pennies. Flarty (over P.A.): Come out, come out, wherever you are. (giggles) You made one mistake, Flarty: you let me live. Passengers, join us tomorrow morning for Poseidon's Brunch, featuring Chef Duval's famous Oysters Onassis. Kiki loves them, and you will, too. Oh, crap. The oysters. Row, row, row the boat... Duval? Hmm? Is that you in there? No one's in this pot. Go away. I am the spaghetti. Duval, you're not the spaghetti. I am spaghetti. Let go of the lid. Just spaghetti in here. Val, stop. I'm trying to get off the ship, all right? But first you have to throw out those oysters. If I don't serve the oysters, Flarty will make me teach pole-dancing to seniors. But if you serve them, people can get really sick. It's like the Hippocratic Oath of chefs, Duval, to not make people sick on purpose. Bob... Yes? ...kiss me. What? You know you want to. No, I don't. You didn't just want to kiss me just now? I didn't. All right. But you're right. Come, let's throw out those horrible oysters right now, Bob! Now you're talking. You first. Way in the back. What the hell?! Duval, open the door! You spend the night in there. The captain is complicated, but he knows what's best. (banging on door) Duval! Duval! I will kiss you. Too late. The moment's gone, Bob. Duval! We can do more than kiss! Other things! Duval! (banging) (Bob grunting) Thanks for serving canned meat, Duval. (grunting) Flarty (on P.A.): Good morning, Windbreakers! Looking forward to seeing you all at Poseidon's Brunch, featuring Oysters Onassis, as well as the catch of the day. (laughs) That one is a little shout-out for you-know-who. (horn blares) (squishing sound) Hmm? He's gone! Oh, damn it! You get the brunch ready! You! You find Bob! When he runs, it only makes me want him more, right, Kiki? Kiki-Kiki-Kiki. Little help! (air hissing) Oh, sorry. Bob: Louise, come here. Over here. Oh, hey, Dad. Flarty is absolutely insane. He locked me in his walk-in overnight. He's gonna serve rotten oysters. We've got to stop him. Oh, Dad, watch this. Clackety-clackety- clackety-clackety, click-click-click- click-clack. Huh? Louise, are you gonna help me or not? Okay, I'll help. All right, good. First, we need to distract Flarty and his crew while I take the oysters from the brunch. Well, I am a master of distraction. Ow! See? (panting) I'm gonna get you that hundred bucks, baby. (grunts) No! Those are for Marilyn! Ah! No! Drop it! We have personnel on every deck looking for Bob, sir. (yells) (gasps) Ha-ha! I got your rat! My Kiki! Clackety-clackety-clackety- clackety... Get her! Clackety-clackety-clackety- clackety... So long, seamen! Clackety-clackety... Where are you taking the oysters? Trust me, you don't want these. There's plenty of other things to eat. Don't tell me what to eat! Let go. I'm trying to help. Yeah, help yourself. Argh! They must be running out! Clackety-clackety-clackety- clackety... I did it! I did the distraction! Typically, Louise, when you do a distraction, you don't lead everybody to me, right? Right! Okay, next time. How dare you use Kiki in your sadistic game? My sadistic game? That's right, buster. You kidnapped us. Thank you again. I'm having a wonderful time, Captain. Linda, are you kidding?! Wha...? He shouldn't be captain. Anyone would be a better captain than you. Sounds to me what's happening here is a mutiny! Ooh, mutiny? This boat has so many activities! Go ahead, Bob. You want a mutiny? Proceed. Okay. Come on. All right. Let's go. I will. Go ahead. (clears throat) Here we go. Everybody... Here we go. All right, let me... Call a mutiny. I'm doing it! All right. But if you fail, I'm putting you in a dinghy with nothing but a compass and a biscuit. Okay, fine. So who's with me?! How about you, shorts-and-binoculars guy? You hate it here. Or you, prisoner guy. I saw you locked in that room, right? You've got to be on my side. Don't look away! Oh, Dad. Oh, you're bombing. Oh, forget it! Get the dinghy! Captain, there seems to be a problem with the buffet. (vomiting sounds) Oh, boy. Uh, yup. Ooh, I love this song. (jazz playing) Marilyn?! Marilyn...! Ugh! Marilyn, are you okay?! I found your eye, but I couldn't get the money. But I will. Kid, forget it. It's just a scam! What? Oh, God. Listen, you're a sweet kid, (gags) and you deserve better than an old, (gags) an old sea cow like me. But, but... Save your buts. Some things just aren't meant to be. Keep the eye. He's got a whole box of them somewhere. Ah... What the hell was that about? I know she was a puppet, but she put her hand right up my heart. Aw, sick! Don't worry, Gene. There's plenty of manatees in the sea. But there's not, really, because they're endangered. (humming) Mon dieu! Now can we go to some land? These people need a hospital. Give it up, Bob. Your mutiny failed. Duval, make Bob a doggie bag for his dinghy. No, Captain. I'm sorry. Did you say no to me? Yes, I did. I gave you the best cooking years of my life. And now on behalf of all cooks and all oysters, I demand that you give up your command. There you go, Duval! There you go, Bob! You're relieved of your position, cook. Asch, remove Bob and Duval from the dining room. Asch! Asch! Duval is right, sir. I'm with him. I've cleaned up enough of your messes! Escort the captain to his stateroom. All right, you're doing great. Kiss me! Not now. Not a good time. Then when?! French kiss that Frenchman. Well, you've won, Bob. But remember this... What'd he say? Nothing. He just burped. Ah... (a la Marilyn): I miss you, Gene. I really, really miss you. Anyone need a mole removed? Ah, peel my back. Look, Marilyn, it's a meat farm. It's beautiful. Ugh! You've got to be kidding me. I'm going to bed, I am not dealing with this right now. Or maybe ever. Well, I've never felt more rested. Like a protein sunset. It's nice.