An Incident at Owl Creek

(upbeat march plays) ♪ Good morning, USA! ♪ ♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ ♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪ ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ ♪ Good... ♪ ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ Aah! Hey, Shari and Buckle neighborhood,to the and they've invited us to a pool party. Wait, next weekend. Does that give us enough time? Oh, no, Stan! Does this mean we have to do another one of your... "Are we good enough Smith family fashion shows? Yes, it does. (muted techno-pop music playing) (techno-pop music continues) (turns volume down) First up, Hayley Smith in what appears to be the "White Trash Going Crazy at Lake Havasu" collection. STAN: Stop! Stop! You are not wearing Shari's pool party. You look like you should be holding up round cards at a dog fight in Fresno! Steve, you've known about this party for a week, and you haven't bulked up! You didn't make a dent powder I gave you.otein Uh, I don't think it's for people, Dad. Get out of my sight. You made me feel like a fool for building a professional-grade runway in my living room. You, my darling, look perfect. Thank you. But you run your mouth at these things. I'm giving you a hundred-word limit. Here, I got you this counter. Are you serious? (clicks three times) You've got 97 left. Stan, why is it every time we go out in public together, you make us pass your silly inspection. Yeah, Dad. Why do you care so much what other people think? Because that's all that matters! One's true value is determined solely through the eyes of others. That's from Genesis. Their first album, I think. (indistinct chatter) (hooting) Welcome neighborhood, Shari. (clicking counter) Glad not in woods anymore? One year in that fershtunkinah cabin was enough. I was going meshugie. (hooting) Buckle! Get rid of that owl! My migraine! But that owl was my best friend for 15 years in the wilderness. It's him or me. Who you gonna pick? Who? Who? (hooting) Stay out of it! (soft, whiny hoot) STAN: Party's going well. No Smith family blunders. That's good. Mmm, great brisket. Careful, now. 96% of all party fouls involve food or drink. Don't spill it, don't choke on it. How are you?! You're doing great, kiddo. I love you so much. Dad, I'm sweating like a pig in this thing. It's humiliating. Not to me. And show some respect-- your grandmother drowned in that bathing suit. How family? (clicking) No embarrassed? (clicking) So far, so good. ROGER: Hello, y'all! I'm Stan Smith's brother, Appleby McFridays. Do I smell kreplach? (quietly): Oh, no-- Roger! I helped Buckle with his conversion to Judaism. That was one stubborn ***. Hey, Rabbi, I got a joke for you. Two priests are hitting on an altar boy... Uh, hello, guy who mistakenly believes he's my brother. If-if you want to hear a joke, Rabbi, I got a nice, clean one. Um, uh, okay, what are the three rings of marriage? The first one's the engagement ring, the second one's the wedding ring, and the third one... the suffer-ring. (laughter) Stan, that's not a good joke, 'cause it's not racist. Okay, here's one. So, this lazy Mexican walks into an even lazier black guy's bar... Hey, uh, everyone, who wants to see me cannonball into the pool? (excited shouts, cheers) A man turning his body into an old instrument of war? I'm in! (cheering in distance) I am constantly doing damage control for this family. ALL (chanting): Cannonball! Cannonball! Cannonball! (stomach grumbling) Oh, dear, that brisket was too greasy. Now I got to poop. Cannonball! Cannonball! Cannonball! Cannonball! Cannonball! Cannonball! Cannonball! (cheers turn to distorted groaning) (distorted groaning continues) (underwater speakers playing classical music) (bubbling) (distorted, echoing): No...! ♪ ♪ (crowd gasps) No way! Oh, my God! ♪ ♪ (muffled grunting) (gasping breath) (laughter) (laughter continues) (owl hooting loudly) MAN: Great cannonball, bro. He did that in the neighbor's pool? That's disgusting! People have to swim in that water. I'm probably gonna get some kind of gross rash. I was in the pool when he did it. I was at ground zero. Hayley, it's not okay to use that term. I was actually at ground zero. I was the first one on the scene selling *** T-shirts: "Osama bin Sexy," "Sexy bin Laden," and "Yo Mama Bin Fartin." That last one was not *** to everybody. Your poor father. He didn't even come home last night. (gasps) Stan! Have you been in there all night? Yes! And I'm never coming out! And you were worried about me embarrassing you? Stop it, Steve. Stan, none of us think any less of you for what you did. I don't care what any of you guys think. What does that matter? My reputation's ruined! Soiled, like these cheap swim trunks and the several places I sat down when I first came home. Sweetheart, nobody knows. Just a few neighbors at the party. You're blowing this whole thing out of proportion. (sighs) Okay, okay. M-Maybe you're right. Oh, no, oh, no, no, Frank, no, you can stay in there. Hi, Frank. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (Stan sobbing loudly) (continues sobbing) (wailing, sobbing) Stan, what happened? It was so embarrassing! The whole town's laughing at me! And on all days! Bullock just appointed me the head of the new Tactical Urban Response Division! (gasps) (sobbing loudly) Francine. Francine, wake up. I'm too tired. Do whatever you want, just don't get it in my hair. Wake the kids and get them in the car. You have 90 seconds. (tires squeal) Stan, it's 3:00 in the morning. Where are we going? I can no longer live in this town. (loud explosion) (others yell) The Smiths are dead. There's no turning back. Oh, my God! (screaming) It's Frank! I see him, I see him. (thump) STAN: Rest in peace, Frank. You're living under God's sink now. Stan, we've been driving all night. Do you even have a plan? Yes. To get as far away from my shame as possible. Oh, can't we just go home? Yeah, if we can go back in time. Can you do that, Hayley? Have you smoked that much weed? Well, if you see me back there, tell me, "Don't jump in the pool! Don't jump in the pool!" Roger, what happened? Well, I guess sometimes a hole in a men's room stall is just a hole in a men's room stall. (on TV): The world needs to know, America is ready to step up and lead again. So inspiring. Hey, you guys are truckers-- want to hear a horribly racist joke? Hey! Where I come from, we don't judge a man by the color of his skin. Or his religion. Or even the mistakes of his past. Excuse me, friend, where are you from, exactly? Small town in Indiana called Mercyville. It's not fancy, mind you. You know, we don't have any swimming pools, and thus, no one ever recounts any swimming-pool- related stories. But what we lack in places to swim we make up for in understanding. That sounds like the perfect place for us to live! Well, not much of a gay scene out back, either. What a quaint town. A malt shop, an old-fashioned barber, a bakery! Yeah, yeah, we get it-- little slice of Heaven. Let's just hope it has what every other small town in America has: cheap and plentiful methamphetamines. Hardware store has a "Help Wanted" sign. I think I will inquire within. You know, gang, this could really be a chance for us to reinvent ourselves. Oh, yes, I'm sure life will be very different for me here. Close enough shave for you so far? So far. And thanks for talking me out of that neck beard. I got to say, I love your little town. I think my family's gonna be happy here for generations. Do I know you? No, I don't think so. Wait. Are you from Langley Falls? Never heard of the place. Are you sure? Because my brother lives in Langley Falls. He sent me a newspaper clipping, and... I swear, it had a photo of you. You did something. Hey, uh, you guys want to hear a good racist joke? I can't remember what it was. Eh, I threw away the clipping. But it'll come to me. It always does. (crickets chirping) For the life of me, Chairman Meow, I can't remember what it was that guy did. (birds chirping) (groans) What was it? It was something embarrassing... (munching) That's it! He did a cannonball into the pool, and then he took a giant... (gasps) You had to remember. Come on. You're really gonna kill me just 'cause I know your secret? So, this place isn't going to work out. (tires squealing) (foghorn blowing) (car horns honking) This is perfect. We're living above a fish market in Little Romania. Nobody here has any connection to Langley Falls. Wish we weren't sharing the apartment with 14 members of the Bombescu family. (groans) 13. (crying) Back to 14. Circle of life, beautiful thing. See? We're safe here. We've outrun my shame for good. He wants me to play with him. (laughing) Somebody was videotaping? (laughter) Oh, my God! Stan Smith just made a BM! You can't hit me. I'm a new mother. (tires squealing) We have to move somewhere they don't have the Internet. (tribal chanting) (both laughing) (laughter) ♪ ♪ (tribesmen laughing) (man speaking Spanish over P.A. system) Wait. Where's your ticket? I've realized I can't outrun this thing. I'm sending you back without me so you can lead normal lives. What? We don't want to go back without you. Trust me. This will be better for all of us. Guess that makes me the man of the house. There's gonna be some changes. Steve, kiss me on the mouth. But what will you do? Oh, don't worry. I'll be fine. I'm gonna have a drink at the airport bar. Then I'm going to blow my brains out. Don't tell the kids. Stan, the kids know you drink. (sighs) Yeah, I'm, uh... I'm not gonna miss that. NEWSCASTER (with British accent): President Obama visited the U.N. today where he received a five-hour standing ovation. That Obama sure has changed things. What do you mean? Well, the United States was the laughingstock of the world until Obama came along. Yeah, sure, whatever. I mean, the United States has done some pretty shameful things. Just this 20-gauge and, uh, one of these Toblerones. But then Obama comes along, and he makes it all better. Uh, you may want to stand back. Brain matter? I mean, if Obama can make America look good after all the embarrassing crap it's pulled, then he can make anything look good. My God. That's it! Anyway, as you know, Lima has a booming industry of blind male prostitutes, of which I am widely known as the second-most disease-free. Señor? (sighs and mumbles) (gun fires) (yells) (panting): We can be together again. I've got a plan. Does that plan include explaining why a footless blind man is giving an expert bajowski to our baggage handler? Admire the skills! No, listen, I'm a laughingstock, right? Well, there's one man who's so beloved that if he did what I did, he'd actually make it cool. What are you talking about? It's simple. We've just got to get President Obama to make a boom-boom in a pool! I don't know. Obama may be black, but I bet he keeps his butt clenched like he's white. Huh. That's, that's from my stand-up routine. Check it out. You ever notice when a black man poops in the pool, he's, like, "Yo, check it!" But then, when a white guy poops in a pool, he's, all, "Oh, my, I'm defecating in the swimming receptacle." Stan, we'll never even get close to Obama. This plan is crazy. Look, if we can just get Obama to do what I did, then no one can tease me anymore. Then we can move back home together. White Mission Control be, all, "Uh, we are clear to initiate landing sequence for Space Shuttle Atlantis." But Black Mission Control be, all, "Get out of the way! Here comes the shuuutttle!" (pushing stewardess button) This roach coach will serve as our base of operations as we carry out Operation Pinch a Loaf. I need two breakfast burritos and a side of refried beans. Two BBs and a side of fart paste coming up. The plan is simple. We'll renovate a rundown community pool. Then we'll have a grand opening ceremony, convince Obama to swim the inaugural lap, and then get him to drop a presidential deuce. How are we going to get to Obama? First step-- one of us is going to make friends with his two adorable daughters. But they go to one of the most exclusive private schools in D.C. How are we even going to get close? We're a lesbian couple. We adopted our daughter from an orphanage in Somalia. My name is Winfrey. Full scholarship. Hi. The name's Winfrey. I like Jo' Bros, Mi Psy, Gaga, Kay Pay, FiFi, Schwi Schwi and the Flack Eye Fleas. Yeah, we fray frays now. We best fray frays. Let's have a play date-- your house. Madam First Lady, we are so honored to be here as lesbians of no color. Well, your daughter is just darling. Barack and I are so pleased the girls and Winfrey have hit it off. Okay, according to the map, this is where Amy Carter buried all of her dildoes. So it would really mean a lot to the community if the president would come and take the inaugural lap. I will make sure he's there. No fair. Everybody has a role in this plan except for me. I could live to be a hundred and never figure out how to fold a burrito. Okay, let me ask you this. You can lead a president to water, but how will you make him Smith in it? (toilet flushing) Klaus, I'd like you to meet Dr. Olestra Montezuma, Mexico's leading authority on Quantum Fecal Theory. Dr. Montezuma is developing a fast-acting laxative for our operation. He was the mastermind behind Tijuana. I've never been, but I've heard terrible things. Congratulations, Doctor. Let's get started. First, I will show you some samples. Manuel, bring in the jars. I need more time, jefe. Well, bring whatever you have. It will just be a minute. Is everybody in position? Check. Yeah. Ready, Dad. Inserting laxative into hot dog A. Inserting hot dog B into my A. (cheering) Here comes the limo! (cheering) STAN: Roger, go, go! (cheering) Hello, Mr. President. I made a hot dog just for you. Oh, aren't you cute. But I don't eat before I swim. Francine, initiate backup plan! Repeat, put on the laxative glove and shake Obama's hand. He'll absorb it through his skin. (cheering) Mr. President, we are so thrilled that you're here. No! (cheering) All right, let's swim. That's it. The operation's a failure. Good-bye, family. You will never see or hear from me again. (cheering) We've got to do something. I'm on it. (grunts) (in slow motion): Fish! (gasping) Klaus! Klaus! Klaus! No! My plan! Now hang on. This man looks familiar to me. Ha! It is! Now, this man's poopy exploits have brought me many hours of online joy. Now, what exactly were you trying to accomplish here, Mr. Funny Poopy Man? Mr. President, I'm sorry. I just thought if you fudged in the pool, maybe people would stop laughing at me. Oh, man, you can't worry about what other people think of you. Do you know how mad the black community gets at me because I don't smoke menthols? But it doesn't affect me, because I don't let it. But sir, I'm a laughingstock. Look, Poopy Man, if you refuse to care what people think, then their laughter cannot hurt you. Just ignore them. Oh, terrific. It looks like Michelle is gonna delight us with one of her famous cannonballs. (chanting): Cannon... ball! Cannon... ball! CROWD: Cannonball! Cannonball! Cannonball! Cannonball! Cannonball! Cannonball...! I haven't jumped yet. I imagined the whole thing. Cannonball...! (stomach gurgling) Their laughter can't hurt me if I don't let it. Extended Fantasy-Sequence Obama made me realize that. Cannonball! (sighs) Cannonball! (uproarious, mocking laughter) (door slams, laughter mutes) Bye! Have a beautiful time.