The Two Mrs Sheffields

- Hi. - Hi. Say, are those flowers for your girlfriend? Actually, they're for my fiancée. She is so wonderful. We're getting married in a couple of weeks, over at the Is there something I can do for you? Yes. But we hardly know each other. Actually, I wanted to order two-dozen white tulips to be delivered to my son, Maxwell Sheffield. Sorry. That woman has the last of the tulips. Who? That girl. I had my eye on those. Well, I had my eye on Antonio Banderas, but I ain't taking him home neither. Darling, what if I bought you some plastic flowers to go with that petroleum product you're wearing? Well, as if the Brits are so stylish? News flash, the royal wedding pictures looked like Mama's Family. These New Yorkers are so pushy. Give me the damn tulips. Hey, my boss sent me out to buy tulips for his mother, and I want the old bat to like me. Give me that. Give me Oh, what are we fighting about? You keep it. There's a whole fresh batch right there in the refrigerator. In that case, you keep the wilted ones. Fine. Niles, when I meet Mr. Sheffield's mother, do I gotta curtsy? Because if I do, this skirt turns into a tube top. Oh, I'm sure you're exaggerating, but go ahead, try. Bad butler. Anyway, I think it's gorgeous. If she doesn't like it, tough. I'm not changing again. Oh, Miss Fine, is that what you're wearing? Hell, no. Thank you. My mother derives sustenance from criticizing everything in my life. Yeah? So? Oh, I keep forgetting. You're not Jewish. Maxwell, your adversarial relationship with your mother is your own fault. I find I catch more flies with honey. I always thought your tongue darted out. Hello, Mother. Hello, darling. Oh, look at you. The spitting image of your father. Same eyes, same smile. All that's missing is the naked secretary in your bed, wearing my pearls. It's so wonderful to see you again, madam. Liar. Niles, where are your tails? He had them cropped when they did his ears. Oh, C. C., you're a stitch. I missed you. Maxwell, you should have her write a comedy for you. God knows you need a hit. Shall I poison them at supper, sir? Niles! It's two hours away. Oh, Elizabeth, I can't wait to tell you all the exciting things that are going on in my life. Right after I visit the powder room, dear. Oh, please, she'll be done before you get there. Is this any better? This skirt's a designer label. The label's lovely. Where's the rest of it? Oh, I got your mother a little present. And lucky for you, I think I left it upstairs. Oh, I forgot my handbag. Oh, you know, on second thought, I think it's in the kitchen. Oh, I brought my chauffeur over with me. I'll just tell him to go. When did you hire a new driver? When your father hired a new secretary. Jean Luc. I had Grandma Yetta make your mother her famous prune Danish. I figured, you know, with all the flying, the change in water, she could use it. That's a lovely thought, Miss Fine. But my mother's not really the prune Danish type. Oh, well, she will be after she eats Ma's stuffed derma. Oh, I'll get it. You? You? What are you, nuts? You followed me home? What kind of a psycho case are you? Would you get a life, you fruit cake? Do you know who that weirdo was? That's my mother. Do you think she liked me? Turn around. Let's see how you look. Isn't it wonderful? We could be twins. Margaret, do take that off. You look 50. Grandma, Fran and I sort of have a shopping routine. You see, I buy outfits I actually like, and she looks for a husband in the men's department. Darling, I know you prefer a more plunging neckline, but don't you think we should wait until you have something more to plunge into? Oh, God! You're so good with her. C. C. , I'm really worried about this this nanny that Maxwell's hired. So am I, but I don't want to say anything, except she's a low-life gold digger who's trying to move in on the family. Did I tell you she has designs on Maxwell? Oh, please, C. C. Maxwell would never fall for a trollop like that. If he's anything like his father Oh, God. Well, let's just pray that she'll take good care of the children. All right, honey. Just ho hold up your nose. You're leaving a trail of blood even the O. J. jury couldn't ignore. Lord, what happened? We won. C. C. , call the doctor. Oh, no. It's okay. The coach said he's fine. Just to watch out if he vomits or falls for no reason. Okay, sweetie, go upstairs and get cleaned up. But scream if your shoulder blade pops out again. You know, just forget what I said. If you had Maxwell fire her, I'd just hate myself. Miss Fine. Yes? Where were you when the boy was brutalized? I was schmearing eggs on the other team's bus. Oh, look, when did you two get so thick? Oh, well, for me, it happened around the 14th, but she must have had salty nuts on the plane. Maxwell, do do up your your shirt. I can't distinguish you from the servants. Oh, that's easy. I'm the one who's actually working. Oh, that's a good one. I can't wait to tell Niles when he comes back from the track. Mother, do you mind? It's hot in my office. Oh, I don't remember coming in there. You know, sometimes Miss Fine sits on the edge of my desk in one of her outfits. Yes, well, carry on. Oh, is he adorable or what? Boy, when he was a little baby, how did you keep from biting his tushy? I guess that prune Danish didn't kick in yet. Bad news, sir. I'm afraid there's been an emergency. Your mother's been called back to London and is packing as we speak. Really? Early April Fool's, sir. Not funny, Niles. This is not a good day to tease me. Miss Babcock never made it to the theater. - I'm afraid she's missing. - Really? April Fool's to the second power. Mine was funny, sir. That's just plain cruel. Maxwell, I have something to discuss with you. Oh, Mother, much as I'd love to stay and chat, I'm afraid I have a meeting with Ethel Merman. Yes. And I may be a while because she's dead. Then I'd better go cancel, sir. Maxwell, I'd like to dismiss your nanny. Don't you mean discuss, mother? No. Mother, why this sudden interest in my life, hmm? Did your poodle die? Well, about this nanny, I think she has far too much influence over the children. I can assure you, Mother, I don't know what you mean. Daddy, look at me. Who am I? That's very nice, sweetheart. Now go change. I can't. I'm playing doctor. Are you married? Maxwell, let me make myself quite clear. I know that there's something going on between you and this nanny person, and I will not allow it. Mother, there is nothing going on between Wait a minute. What do you mean you won't allow it? You are a Sheffield, dear. This woman's not of our class. Oh, that is preposterous. Knock, knock. Oh, you've gotta see this. Hello, Dolly! spelled out in Spaghettios. I swear, it poured right out of the can. I mean, is that freaky or what? Maxwell, if you pursue this that that, I will have no choice but to disinherit you. Well, I don't need your money, Mother, or your approval. And I'll do whatever the bloody hell I like. Oh, don't talk to your mother like that. Miss Fine, will you marry me? What? Are you out of your Oh, let him get a word in edgewise, lady. Maxwell, stop making a spectacle of yourself. Oh oh, did you think that was a spectacle? Oh, no, Mother. This is. Oh, Mr. Sheffield, marry you? Oh, this is all so sudden. I mean, I'm really gonna have to think about okay. Oh, God, Niles, I've really done it this time. You're not gonna believe what I just did. You mean your attempt to get back at your mother for missing you in Hamlet by asking Miss Fine to marry you in front of her, resulting in Miss Fine skipping from the room singing, "Sadie, Sadie, married lady"? Cleaning the intercom with that big, fat nosey ear of yours again, Niles? No, sir. I just guessed. You mean I'm right? I don't know what came over me. I mean, what am I gonna do? Well, I'm afraid you've got no choice, sir. You have to marry Miss Fine. You'll honeymoon in Provence. I'll make the reservation. Whatever my mother says, I have to do the opposite. You see, I'm not happy unless I defy her. Well, she deserves it, sir. Punish her. Rub her nose in it. Oh, bonjour. Hang up, man. I'm not going through with it. Oh, you stupid fool. The French, sir. What a rotten thing to do, dragging Miss Fine into the middle of all this. Poor thing has a crush on me as it is. Oh, she does, does she? Oh, come on, man, wouldn't you? Yes, well, you've always been the sunshine of my life, sir. Oh, I don't know, Niles. Maybe I'm making too much of all this. I mean, surely she must realize I just blurted it out in the heat of the moment. Yes, she couldn't possibly have taken me seriously. Now, Ma, I want the wedding to be really classy. So don't invite anyone from our side. Oh, Fran, these invitations are gorgeous. Invitations? Ma, I called you two hours ago and said I was getting married. Sweetheart, I have been preparing for this moment since before your embryo had a yolk sac. Let's go over the wedding list that we made out together. Okay. Dead. Dead. Dead. Any minute now. Oh, Ma, gee, this affair might end up being cheaper than we thought. Maybe you could spring for the double-stuffed potato. Do you still want to dance your first dance to Sexual Healing? Oh, no, no. I filled that out, like, 20 years ago. Let's go with Play That Funky Music White Boy. Meanwhile, my gown looks gorgeous on you. Can you believe that I was that size when I was your age? Yeah, well, let's not tell Mr. Sheffield. No reason to give him a crystal ball. Oh, by the way, Ma, you know, Daddy's gotta give me away. So you better get his good hair out of the fur vault. All right. Oh, Morty, could you stop sucking the chocolate off the Raisinets? Remember? Oh, Fran, you and Mr. Sheffield. This is like a fairy tale. I know. Isn't it great? And it's so sudden. You don't even call each other by your first names. And boom! He pops the question. I know. Isn't it great? And what's amazing is that he asked you in front of his mother. You said they didn't get along and that he would do anything to spite her. My God, Val, Mr. Sheffield proposed to me just to get even with his mother. Oh, wow! Good thing she showed up, huh? Val, I can't marry someone under false pretenses. You can't? Gee, you think you know a person. So what are you gonna do? What any woman in my position would do. I'm gonna screw with his head so bad he's gonna look like Mister Softee. - Hello, darling. - I just Miss Fine, I mean, Fran. I mean Oh, what difference does it make what you call me? After the honeymoon night, it's just gonna be Oh, I'm so glad you got my message. I really wanted to see you. Uh, Miss Fine Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you want to play that game. Okay. You're the boss, and I'm the nanny. You give me a raise, and I'll give you one. Stop it! Stop it, Miss Fine. We're in your mother's house. So? The couch has protection. Miss Fine, there's something I have to tell you. Oh, I knew it. I knew it. Are you very upset with me? No. I want my parents to move in with us, too. Oh, Morty. Did you hear that? We're moving on up to the east side. No, no, no, Sylvia. Uh, I I was just trying to explain to Miss Fine Sylvia? Why so formal? Call me Ma. We're family. Oh, sweetheart, I'm gonna make you so happy. The first thing you hear in the morning and the last thing you hear at night is gonna be my voice. Oh, look who's here. Wait, I schmeared you. Mother, what are you doing here? Well, I invited her, honey. Come on in. We gotta get to know each other better. Sit down, Ma. And if you stick to the plastic, don't get up quick unless you need a waxing. Would you like to take off your shoes, honey? I got a bunch of slippers from TWA. No, no, no. Thank you so much. I've got something far more comforting from the Concorde. Maxwell, I only came here because I know what you're up to. A mother doesn't raise a son for the four years before boarding school and come away with nothing. Oh, that was you for those four years? I thought it was Niles disguised as Kim Novak. Maxwell, just admit that you're marrying this girl to spite me. Oh, hey, now, wait a minute there, Ma. I've lived with this man for three years, and there's no way that he would ever use me like that or play with my feelings or hurt me so deeply that only a Caribbean cruise could make up for it. Well, you obviously don't know how much my son detests me. Go on, Maxwell, tell her. Oh, I don't detest you, Mother. I don't know you well enough. All I do know is you made me angry enough to hurt someone I care very deeply about. Oh, you're so right, Maxwell. We've never been close. We don't talk. Perhaps we could work on that. But not now, darling. Jean Luc is waiting for me. So all this was just to torture me? Yeah. Was it as good for you as it was for me? Miss Fine, I'm I'm sorry to have done this to you. But believe me, if I was going to marry anyone in the world to make my mother miserable, it would be you. Oh, how sweet. There must be something I can do to make it up to you. - No, there's really not. - No, please, I insist. Anything. - Come on, you're insulting me. - Are you sure? Well, maybe three things. Don't tell Miss Babcock for 48 hours. I promised Niles. Oh, and someone's gonna have to tell Ma. I figured you'd wanna do that personally. And then the third thing is, well, you can return this. It's what I was gonna wear on our honeymoon night. There's nothing in here but lip gloss. Suffer.