Career Day (Invader Zim)

The students sit at their desks.

Brian: I'm gonna be a doctor!

Sara: I'll be a veterinarian!

Spoo: I wanna be a fireman!

Zim: And I will be... lord of all humans!

Dib: I'm going to be a professional paranormal investigator so that I can expose-

The camera pans away from Dib over to Melvin.

Dib's voice: Hey, I wasn't finished!

Melvin glances around and then his head detaches from his body.

Melvin: When I grow up... I'm gonna be a... astronaut!

Melvin's head reattaches and Melvin grins.

Ms. Bitters: When I was your age, I wanted to be an astronaut too, Melvin!

Ms. Bitters shoves her face in Melvin's face. Flashback to a rocket shooting off of Earth. The rocket has a window on it in which Ms. Bitters as a child looks out of happily.

Ms. Bitters' voice: And then my ship imploded in the vacuum of space.

The ship swells up and then implodes as the young Ms. Bitters squeals.

Ms. Bitters: The lesson here is that dreams inevitably lead to hideous implosions. That's why the skool has instituted this test.

Ms. Bitters picks up a pile of papers from off of her desk.

Ms. Bitters: From these questions, we will determine your future careers. Then you will be partnered with an adult who works in your field. You will spend the rest of the day observing them and getting used to your wretched fates. Write what you think each blotch looks like on the line next to it.

Ms. Bitters gives the first paper to Zim. There are three blotches on it. She starts walking over to other students and passing out the test.

Ms. Bitters: Answer each one carefully. Your future depends on it.

Dib: What does identifying blotches have to do with determining our future careers?

Ms. Bitters: Oh, you poor, doomed child.

Zim's thoughts: Human slave.

Zim writes human slave on the line next to the first blotch.

Zim's thoughts: Human slave.

Zim writes human slave on the line next to the second blotch. Zim starts scratching his neck and bumps start small appearing. Dib watches. The other students write busily.

Dib's thoughts: Ghost.

Dib writes ghost on the line next to the first blotch.

Dib's thoughts: Bigfoot.

Dib writes bigfoot on the line next to the second blotch. The clock ticks.

Ms. Bitters: Time's up! Pass your papers forward!

Zim looks at the third blotch and groans. He bends his pencil and then starts beating his head against his desk. He opens one eye and then opens the other in realization. He grins as he writes down human slave for the third blotch. A machine bursts through the ceiling of the classroom. The words 'POS 2000' are written on the machine.

Ms. Bitters: The machine will now decide your fate.

Ms. Bitters sticks the papers into a slot in the machine. A single paper comes out and Ms. Bitters grabs that. The machine retracts back into the ceiling.

Ms. Bitters: Brian, you're going to be a fireman!

Brian: But I wanted to be a doctor!

Ms. Bitters: Quite! The machine has spoken! Sara, you are going to be an astronaut!

Sara bursts into tears.

Ms. Bitters: Spoo, you will be a veterinarian.

Spoo: But I'm allergic to animals!

Ms. Bitters: Dib, you will be a... paranormal investigator.

Dib: Yes!

Ms. Bitters: Zim, the machine says that the only career you are suitable for is-

Zim: Yes, yes. Lord of humans!

Zim jumps onto his desk and kneels there.

Zim: I will rule you all with an iron fist!

Ms. Bitters: No, Zim. The machine has assigned you a career in fast food preparation!

Zim: I will prepare food with my iron fist! Then I will work my way up to ruling you all with my fist!

Zim holds his fist up to Melvin.

Zim: You! Obey the fist!

Ms. Bitters growls. She hovers to the door with no legs. One leg at a time, the legs appear like landing gear. Ms. Bitters opens the door.

Ms. Bitters: Now, children! Find your partner!

Keef, Zootch, and Spoo emerge from the classroom. Many adults stand outside waiting, including a ninja, a vet, a doctor, business men, a fireman, a sumo wrestler, the Avon lady, a plumber, a maniac, and Steve Ressel. More and more students leave the classroom to find their partners. Zim stands in the doorway, scratching his neck. Dib walks up behind him.

Dib: What's the matter with your neck, Zim? Some kind of alien spore?

Zim: Of course not!

A Mc Meaties employee walks up to Zim. He wears a burger hat and has a bulbous pimple and a band aid on his face. His name tag says 'Simon' on it.

Simon: Where can I find Zim?

Zim: I am Zim! Take me to the meat!

The word 'meat' is echoed.

Simon: Oh, you're not ready for meat preparation yet. We start with the French fries. When we get promoted, we work with meat.

Dib: Looks like I'll be getting teamed up with a respected paranormal investigator, Zim! He's sure to see through your pitiful disguise! And then we'll take you back to his secret lab! And then we'll perform all kinds of tests on you, horrible tests! See ya!

Zim: Let's talk more about these... promotions.

Simon: Not now, my break's almost over!

In the hallways, Flan stands with a Ninja. The ninja shows Flan a Ninja pose, but is not impressed with Flan's imitation of it. Dib looks and sees Matthew P. Mathers III try to run away from his sumo wrestler partner while squealing like a pig. The sumo grabs him and spins him in the air. The skool nurse shows Zita a bed pan. Gaz is partnered with a studio guard from Prof. membrane's studios. Mary is partnered with a plumber who pulls a ball of filth from the water fountain. She covers her mouth in disgust. Lizard Boy is partnered with a maniac who demonstrates how you choke someone.

Bill: Your name... Dib?

Dib sees a man in a suit standing next to him.

Dib: Yes.

Bill: Call me... Bill.

Dib: I've got something to show you! There's an actual alien in my class and I have-

Bill: Slow down, little man. Today, you're going to see things that are going to change the way you look at the world. Keep your eyes and your mind open.

Bill taps his own head.

Dib: No, it's pretty open.

Dib follows Bill out of the skool.

Dib: I just wanna-

Bill: No more talking! Let's roll!

A small black car pulls up in front of them with tinted windows. Dib looks at his reflection in the window. The doors open revealing that there was no driver. A bobbling alien toy sits on the dashboard. They get into the car and drive off, passing Mc Meaties as they go. Mc Meaties looks different than how it did in 'germs.' Simon pulls up to Mc Meaties in a bicycle with Zim riding in the basket. Zim sees the Mc Meaties sign which reads 'over 8 billion served,' but the 'd' in 'served' is falling off so Zim mistakenly thinks it says '8 billion serve.'

Zim: 8 billion! That is more than the entire population! And they all serve Mc Meatie? If I rule Mc Meaties... I rule the world!

Inside, Simon shows Zim how to make fries. Zim is now wearing a burger hat too.

Simon: You wanna be very careful not to touch any of the grease 'cause it's kind of hot.

Simon lifts the tray of fries from the boiling grease and moves it over to a counter top.

Simon: And then you add the meat seasoning.

Simon pours a shaker of meat seasoning on the fries.

Zim: Fascinating! And once I have mastered the French fries what is the next promotion?

Simon: After fries, you get to work the grill.

Zim: And then how many promotions until I am made ruler of the planet?

Simon: About four.

Zim scratches the bumps on his neck and a spurt of green pus gets on the fries. Meanwhile, Bill drives through a country road. As they drive, the sound of animals getting hit by their car is heard.

Bill: The corporations are behind a lot of the conspiracies but the government, they're just one big conspiracy, lead by-

Dib pulls out some folders that were laying on the floor.

Dib: What are these?

Bill: Oh, case files! I brought them along to show you the difference between the serious paranormal, and the frauds. The top bundle are the real ones, the bottom ones are complete bunk

The first file says 'C.H.U.M.S' on it. Dib flips that to the back of the pile. The second one says 'Psychic lawn gnomes' and shows a picture of a lawn gnome that looks like one of Zim's that is giving off waves. Dib flips that one to the back. The third one says 'vampire lemurs' and shows a picture of a lemur with vampire teeth. Dib flips that one to the back. The fourth one says 'Frankenchokey' and shows a picture of a Frankenstein monster.

Dib: Frankenchokey?

Dib flips that one to the back. The fifth one says 'Big Foot' and shows a picture of a foot with an x mark through it. Dib flips that one to the back. The sixth one says 'Ghosts' on it and shows a picture of a sheet-like ghost with an x through it. Dib flips that one to the back. The seventh one says 'dinosaurs' on it and shows a picture of a dinosaur with an x through it.

Dib: They're filed wrong! You've got big foot and dinosaurs in with the fake stuff!

Bill: You think those things are real? That's exactly what they want you to believe!

Dib: That's what who wants me to believe?

Dib flips that file to the back. The eighth one says 'Galactic Equinox, alien molt phenomenon.' It shows a picture of the planets aligned with an x through it.

Dib: What's this?

Bill: Heh. The galactic equinox theory. At 5 o'clock tonight, the galaxies are going to be perfectly lined up. My colleagues believe that this will cause all the aliens that are living off their own planet to go through a hideous molt for a few seconds. Don't read that garbage.

Dib: That rash on Zim's neck! We've got to get to Mc Meaties, I know where there's an alien and he's going through the molt right now! It's our chance to prove that there's-

Bill: Shhh. We're here.

Bill pulls over at a crop where there is a crop circle. Bill steps out of his car holding some kind of device, perhaps scanning for alien activity.

Dib: A crop circle?

Bill: Beautiful, isn't it? It's a message from creatures much more intelligent than us! Space beings who have traveled millions of light years to say something, but what does it mean?

Dib: I think this one's a fake.

Bill: You're one of those skeptics, aren't you? Always questioning, always picking away at my theories! One day you'll see that-

Dib points to his side at a cow who is rolling around in the crop while mooing, making a crop circle-like pattern.

Dib: Now can we go to Mc Meaties, please?

Inside Mc Meaties, Zim walks over to the Meat Shake machine. He pulls a lever and liquefied meat slides down into a cup.

Olivia: Need pork daddy!

Zim groans.

Customer: Come on, we're in a hurry here! We have to make it to the observatory by five so we can watch the equinox!

Zim: The equinox is tonight!

Customer: Yeah ha, uh huh, ah ha, hmmm mmm, uh huh, hmmm mmm, yeah ha.

Zim feels the bumps on his neck. A squirt of green pus hits the counter top.

Zim: No! The molt!

Zim walks over to where Simon is sweeping the floor.

Zim: I have to go home.

Simon: If you take off, it'll be in your file forever, and you'll never get promoted.

Zim: I've come to far to give up now! I must not upset Mc Meatie. So close to promotions, but I need to take a break at 5 o'clock.

Simon: You're gonna have to talk to the shift captain about that.

The shift captain leans against the countertop with shifty eyes, grunting. Bill hold his device up to the cow, which is still rolling around and mooing. A billboard behind them shows an ad for Count Cocofang cereal which reads 'I vant to suck your fudge.' Dib glances at his watch.

Dib: It's 4:45, if we hurry we can make it!

Bill: Hmmm... The aliens must be controlling the cow.

Dib: That is not a supernatural cow! This is ridiculous! You believe in all the stupidest things, when real proof is right under your nose!

Dib glances at the billboard behind them.

Dib: I bet you'd listen to me if I was talking about, oh I don't know... Count Cocofang.

Bill gasps and spins around.

Bill: What do you know about Count Cocofang!?!

Dib: That he's... going to be at.. Mc Meaties... at 5 o'clock.

Bill: We haven't got much time! Let's roll!!

The car pulls up by itself again. They drive through the city towards Mc Meaties.

Bill: I've been following the Cocofang case for years. Everybody thinks he's made-up, but he's not. Once I catch him, the world will know what I've known all along! Count Cocofang is an actual vampire, just as Frankenchokey is an actual franken... thing!

Dib sticks his head out the window as they come closer to Mc Meaties.

Dib: We're almost there! That's it, Zim! Your alien infiltration stops here!

Across the street from Mc Meaties at Bun's Market, a banner reads 'Meet Count Cocofang.' A man dressed up as Cocofang is signing autographs for children.

Dib: Oh no!

Count Cocofang: Bluuuuh! Eat Cocosplodies!

Zita bobs her head up and down as she cheers for the Count. Lizard Boy hisses happily as he clings to Torque Smacky's head. Old kid waves his arms in the air. Smolga, wearing a Count Cocofang outfit, knocks the other kids out of the way with the sheer force of her cheering.

Smolga: Yeah, Cocofang rocks!

Bill pops his head out of the window.

Bill: There he is!

Bill pulls over.

Dib: He's not a vampire!

Dib grabs the bobbling alien toy from the dash board and shows it to Bill.

Dib: We have to catch the alien!

Bill walks out of the door and drags Dib along, pulling him by his arm. Dib drops the alien toy onto the sidewalk. Bill walks past the line of people waiting to get their autographs. At the front of that line, Billy Slunchy stands holding a pen and paper.

Billy Slunchy: Hey, no cutting!

Bill shoves Billy and he falls into a puddle of mud.

Bill: We finally meet, Count Cocofang!

Count Cocofang: The line starts back there.

Count Cocofang points to the end of the line. Then he gives a half-hearted moan attempting to be spooky, while shaking his head and making motions with his arms. Bill pulls a stake from out of his suit. Dib slides in front of Cocofang.

Dib: It's just a guy in a vampire suit!

Bill takes a fighting stance.

Bill: Come on, Fang! Let's dance!

Fang panics and runs for it. Bill chases after him, grabbing Dib by his arm and dragging him along. Zim watches the clock, his face now bulbous and covered in bumps.

Simon: Hey!

Zim turns his head, pus squirting from it.

Simon: Some guys are chasing after Cocofang!

All the customers get up and walk to the window to watch. Zim watches the clock as it turns to 5. Zim holds his breath. The planets align with each other and bright light spews from the sun. Suddenly, Zim's face is normal again. He feels his now smooth face happily. The molt begins and Zim groans as his face become a spreading blob like mass, spreading through out the entire interior of the Mc Meaties restaurant. The blob pushes the customers against the window. The blob throbs and the window begins to crack. The blob pours out of the drive-through window onto a woman waiting for her order in her car. The blob even forces its way up a pipe on the roof.

Dib: No! Bill! Stop! Wait up!

Count Cocofang grabs onto the back of a tanker and gets away. Dib and Bill stop, breathing heavily.

Bill: I'll get you, Fang!

Dib looks to his side and sees that the molt is already occurring.

Dib: Noooo!

The clock inside Mc Meaties shows that a minute has passed, and the blob retracts back into Zim's face. Zim goes completely back to normal. Bill walks up behind Dib, breathing heavily.

Bill: I know, little man. I feel your pain. But one day, we'll catch him. One day we'll catch... the Fang.

Dib: You jerk.

Inside Mc Meaties, pus is everywhere. Zootch, one of the customers who was pressed up against the window, slowly slides down it. The pus covered shift captain looks at Zim.

Shift Captain: You're fired.