Grumpy Old Man

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ Is violence in movies and s*x on TV ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ All the things that make us ♪ ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 10x09 ♪ Grumpy Old Man Original Air Date on December 11, 2011

Good morning. I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up, we talk to a man on the street while a man further back on the street flips you off.

But first, Quahog was hit by a major blizzard last night.

Here with more details on the snowstorm is Asian correspondent Tricia Nakahoma.

That's wrong. That's wrong.

You're not doing good so far.

I'm standing here surrounded by snowdrifts, stalled cars, and the one douchebag who wears a tank top every time there's a blizzard.

Yeah, this is nothin'.

Guy at work drank a quart of motor oil once and didn't even die from it.

Put that on the news, but you won't.

(laughter and excited chatter)

Hey, guys, check it out.

I peed my name in the snow.

Geez, Joe.

That's normal.

Wow, looks like the whole neighborhood's out here.

Yeah, I just hope that weird albino up the street doesn't show up.

That guy creeps me out.

Hello, Peter.

Dah! Dah!

H-Hey. Hey, Bill.

What are you doing out here in all this snow?

Just taking my rabbit to the vet.

Well, I'm all done shoveling your walk, Mr. Herbert.

Thanks, Chris, but there's some in here, too.

Brian: Hey, check it out-- lemon snow.

You bet. One of nature's treats.

You gonna have some?

Nah, I'm already full.

But you should have some before the other kids get to it.

What is it? Like Italian ice?

Yeah, exactly, like a sorbet.

Ugh! That's not lemon!

No, it's not.

You b*st*rd!

I was having fun playing in the snow, and now you've ruined it, like a pizza place ruins a salad.

Okay, four pizzas and a salad.

Salad? How do you make a salad?

First, you throw in the whole head of lettuce.

Even the hard-to-eat white part at the bottom?

That's what the people want! Now, what else?

I got a can of whole black olives.

Should I slice them up?

What are you, crazy? No, you keep 'em whole.

You're gonna want to know you've got an olive in your mouth.

What about this tomato? Cut it into thirds.

It should be big enough to pretend you've got red teeth.

How about this carrot? Should I cut it up?

Yes, but very thin lengthwise.

The whole length of the carrot.

One thin slice. Okay, what else do we got?

Well, we got these hot peppers, but you can't really eat them.

No problem. Dump 'em all in.

Now, should we put it in a bowl?

No, let's put it in a lasagna tray.

Okay, great, I'll take it.

Oh, and make sure to stick it right on top of the pizzas so it stays nice and warm.

(phone ringing)

Hello, every pizza place.

All right, Stewie, you all set to spend the day with Grandma and Grandpa?

Ugh, I hate being around old people.

They've always got weird stuff in their refrigerator.

Ah, I'm hungry. What do we got?

Let's see. Eye drops, baking soda and some film.

Old Man: Close the door.

You're running up long distance charges!

(doorbell rings)

Ah, sorry. Thought I had more time.

Hi, Daddy. Stewie's all ready.

You boys have fun.

There's my little guy.

♪ Well, Grandpa's here. ♪

Oh, God, it's the song again.

♪ Yes, Grandpa's here! ♪

It doesn't even rhyme at all.

♪ He's going to buy you a soda and drive you around. ♪

Let's go.

(radio static)

Hey, just so you know, we're not listening to a radio station.

We're listening to the hiss between two radio stations.

(tires squealing)

Whoa. Watch your driving!

Is he... Is he sleeping?

Hey! Hey, wake up! Wake up!

You, lady, wake him up!

You like the Tom and Jerry, do you, dear?

Well, we'll dial them up when we get home.

What the hell are you talking about?! We're about to...

(groans)

What happened?

Where are my knitting needles?

(gasps) Goodness, dear, I'm so sorry.

No worries. Now I can work at Hot Topic and make people sick as I ring up their purchases.

(tires screeching)

Oh, damn it.

Dude, bad news.

You're dead.

What? But I'm Death!

Sorry, dude. Super Death.

You're done.

So what now? I go to Heaven?

Nope, when a Death dies, he gets reincarnated.

You're being reincarnated as a Chinese baby right... now!

(whirring)

Girl?

Girl.

Oh, no!

The egg that I was supposed to take care of for my high school project!

Mr. Burke was right.

I'm not ready to be a parent.

Wait a minute.

I'm not in high school anymore.

Maybe this is all a dream.

Aah! It was a dream!

I need a glass of water.

Wait a minute.

I moved out of the desert years ago.

Maybe this is a dream!

Aah!

Phew.

I am ready to be a parent, Mr. Burke.

Daddy, I'm so happy you're all right.

We're lucky it wasn't more serious.

Hey, how's the old guy doing?

Ugh, now here's Joe.

Why is everybody we know depressing?

Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm afraid I have some bad news.

I'm gonna have to revoke your driver's license.

What?!

It's obvious your advanced age has impaired your ability to drive safely.

Please, Joe, I know he had an accident, but can't you look the other way this one time as a friend?

Yeah, you know, Joe, you owe this family.

I didn't tell anyone about your Fiona Apple tribute video.

♪ ♪ ♪ I've been a bad, bad girl ♪ ♪ I've been careless with a delicate man ♪ ♪ And it's a sad, sad world ♪ ♪ When a girl will break a boy, just because she can. ♪

I'm brok. (door rattling)

Bonnie: Joe, open the garage.

I've earned this private time!

Listen, I don't have time for this.

I'm late for a hostile takeover of a jelly factory.

I'll show those Smuckers.

That's fine, but you can't drive.

Oh, don't be ridiculous!

Driver Pete at your service, sir.

Peter, we're not doing that.

Aw.

Carter, you work too much as it is.

You're not a young man anymore.

You need to slow down.

Slow down?! I can't slow down.

I'm running a six-billion- dollar company.

If I slow down, the company goes under.

It just seems to me that perhaps it's time to think about retirement.

Never! Retirement's for old people.

I can work till I die.

Maybe even after that.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, the gentlemen from Zurich are here for your 10:00.

Will you need anything else?

Mr. Pewterschmidt!

But, dear, we are old.

We can't keep pretending that nothing's changed.

I mean, we almost injured our grandchild today.

Besides, you're always complaining that you don't have enough time to play polo or sit in a chair and moisten your mouth.

That is true.

It does sometimes take me a while to moisten my mouth.

There we go, all moist.

You see, dear?

And that's only the beginning.

Retirement will be a wonderful adventure, and we'll do it together.

You're gonna retire?

From what?

There, isn't it fun already?

(sighs)

Okay. I'll retire.

Oh, Daddy, I think that's for the best.

I need a doctor! Is there a doctor?!

Announcer: We now return to The Superfriends' Accountant.

Look, you guys are hemorrhaging money.

This Hall of Justice is sitting on five acres of commercial real estate.

How do you afford this?

We're the Superfriends.

Yeah, but you guys have no income.

You owe four million dollars in back property taxes.

We fight evil wherever we find it.

Well, that's not gonna be enough.

Look, you may need to reach out to some wealthy benefactors for financial backing.

Do any of you know billionaire Bruce Wayne?

No. None of us do.

And he wouldn't want to lend us money anyway... I hear.

Hey, hey, hey!

What's up, Ginas... 'g-'ginas... vaginas?

What's up, vaginas?!

Ah-ha, gotcha!

Mr. Pewterschmidt, what are you doing here?

I'm retired now. Got a lot of free time.

So what do you guys do here?

Well, we usually just sit here and complain about our lives.

Like this morning, Lois was such a pain in the ass...

Hey! That's my daughter you're talking about!

Oh. I mean this, um, redheaded lady who lives in my bed was a real pain in the ass this morning.

Oh, she sounds like a bitch.

Yeah, what a bitch.

Bitchazoid, right, guys?

Yeah. I hope you're doing her.

Oh, big time.

Yeah, that's hot.

That's hot. I'm gonna think about that tonight.

Oh, we do all kinds of crazy stuff.

Sometimes we even have phone sax.

Don't you mean phone s*x?

No, Joe. Phone sax.

Are you ready?

You better believe it.

(playing "Baker Street")

Oh, Peter!

Yeah. Now your turn.

And do it how I like.

(giggles) Okay.

(playing intro to "You Can Call Me Al")

Yeah. Don't wash the mouthpiece.

Good news, guys.

Now that Grandpa's retired, he's gonna have more time to spend with us.

All: Oh!

We don't want to do that, Mom.

Yeah, all he ever does is ask you what you want to do so he can shoot it down and tell you what he wants to do.

Hey, there's my family!

So, what do you guys want to do today?

I'd like to go to the mall, Grandpa.

No parking at the mall.

It's a terrible place. What else?

Um, how about the zoo?

Too much walking. Too much noise.

You can't have any good conversation.

Not like at Chili's. Where else?

Well, there's always the beach.

No, you got to sit on the ground to eat.

I need a cushioned chair with back support like at Chili's.

Okay, well... how about Chili's?

Maybe, maybe.

Let's get in the car and see where it takes us.

(rings doorbell)

Hey, Carter.

Hello, Quandary.

It's, uh... It's Quagmire.

You looking for Peter?

No, he's at work. Lame.

Oh. Well, what do you want?

I hear you're kind of a cool guy.

Thought maybe we could hang out.

Uh... okay.

Okay! Carter and Quandary, hanging out.

All right, I just got to go take a misty, stop-and-go piss in your bathroom, then we'll be good to go.

Lois, how the hell much longer is your dad gonna be hanging around here?

He's starting to drive me crazy.

(sighs) I know, Peter, but he's my father and I don't know what else to do.

Well, I don't know how much more I can take.

I can't even get any sleep with him here.

Hey.

Hey.

Wha-Wha-Wha-Wha- What is it?

I can't sleep. I'm scared of ghosts.

Carter, there's no such thing as ghosts.

Are you sure?

Well, now I'm not. Come on, get in here!

It's safe under here, right?

I think so, but I'm not sure.

I just recently started believing in ghosts.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy.

Lois! What are you two doing here?

Well, we wanted to talk to you about something.

Hmm. What's that?

Well, we were just thinking, now that Daddy's retired that you and he might be happier in a place where you can be with people your own age.

You know, make some new friends.

What are you talking about?

Well, we actually brought you a few brochures of some lovely retirement communities in Florida.

And I helped.

Florida?!

Mm, this one's even got the word "sunset" four times in the name of it.

Huh. These people are biking without helmets.

Must be a pretty kick-back place.

These actually look quite nice, and we could finally get away from these dreadful winters.

Yeah. We'll even help you move in and get settled.

Wait a minute, why would I want to live in Florida?

Black people's votes go right in the garbage.

All right! We're moving to Florida!

Oh, Carter, this is wonderful!

Aw, look at that smile, Lois.

Reminds of that guy who was way too happy he didn't get killed on 9/11.

(gasping): I'm ten minutes late for work!

Look at that! I stayed up late watching Monday Night Football and that saved my life, huh?

Isn't that awesome?

Oh, but oh...

Hi there. Welcome.

I'm Ryan, the manager here at Oceanside, and I'll be showing you around today.

First question, though: are you two old enough to be here?

(giggles): Oh, dear!

(laughs) I like you, Ryan.

You're cool.

Over there is our statue of Angela Lansbury.

Protect us, oh, Lansbury, from rude teenagers, from soup that is both too hot and too cold, and from anyone who calls, but please have people call.

Our state-of-the-art movie theater is equipped with some terrific innovations to cater to our residents, including a button on every seat that will pause the film whenever anyone has a question.

Hey, guys.

Man: Why is he blue now? Is it cold on that planet?

Man 2: Why are they mumbling?

Why does everyone in pictures today mumble?

I can't hear!

♪ ♪

Man 3: Is that Sig-nory Weaver?

Woman: That's not how you say it.

Man 3: Well, she shouldn't be smoking.

She's a handsome woman, and that'll ruin her fast.

♪ ♪

Man 4: Is Unobtainium very easy to obtain?

Well, I hope you enjoyed the tour.

Oh, yeah, it was great.

Except for that lady who kept yelling "Byaah! Byaah!"

Well, we'll just need you to fill out this paperwork, and then we'll get you moved into your condo.

Oh, isn't this wonderful, dear!

No! No, it's not wonderful at all!

There's no way in hell I'm gonna live here!

This place is nothing but old people marching to their deaths!

You hear me? I'm not one of you!

And I never will be!

Hey, look, it's old man Withers, the guy who owns the amusement park!

But let's see who's really under there.

(screams)

(gasps)

A skeleton!

Can I have my face back?

No!

You're going to jail!

Oh, this is dreadful.

I thought Carter and I were going to be so happy here.

I'll tell you what, Babs, let me have a talk with him.

Hey there, buddy.

Go away!

You know, you remind me of a guy I know.

This guy worked and worked and never wanted to retire, even though it would've been the best thing for him.

You know what that man's name was?

Jon Benet Ramsey.

I-I-I think.

I think that's the guy.

What?

You're darn right what.

Now, let's get back in there.

Peter, get lost! I'm not gonna retire, and that's that!

Come on, Carter, everybody's got to retire at some point.

Like that drill sergeant with Alzheimer's.

Looks like we got a joker here.

What's your name, soldier?

Sir, McArdle, sir!

Well, no (bleep)!

You look like some kind of joker to me.

What's your name, soldier?

Sir, McArdle, sir!

Are you (bleep) me?

Probably some kind of joker.

What's your name, soldier?

Sir, McArdle, sir!

Well, la-dee (bleep) da!

I guess we got some kind of joker here!

Look, Carter, I'll make a deal with you.

You give me just one day to show you how great retired life can be for an old fella, and I'll let you honk the horn one time.

Really?

Uh-huh.

(honks)

(giggles) I'm pretending there's traffic.

There you go, that's...

Once!

God, I wasn't even gonna do it!

So, how do you win this game?

Just fill this out when they say the letter and the numbers?

Eh, that's a sucker's bet.

There's only one way to win this game-- wait for someone else to win and steal his card.

G-27.

Bingo!

It's go time.

What do we do, sneak up behind him?

No, he's got cataracts. Follow my lead.

(loud thud)

Bingo, bitches!

Bingo.

All right, Carter, now that you're retired, you're gonna need a whole new wardrobe.

And what better place to start than the Slightly Open Robery?

♪ Hey, hobo man ♪ ♪ Hey, Dapper Dan, you've both got your style ♪ ♪ But, brother, you're never fully dressed ♪ ♪ Without a smile... ♪

Yes. The pen1s one.

All right, Mr. Pewterschmidt, now, you know how in your building your office temperature was controlled by a central air system that you had nothing to do with? Yeah, I hated that.

Well, check it out-- this room has its very own thermostat that you can fiddle with.

Really?

I can change the temperature in here?

You're retired-- you can do anything you want.

Well, I am kind of warm. I'll try it out.

Oh, that's perfect.

Now I'm cold. Crank up the thermostat.

Ah, wonderful.

Hotter than blazes in here.

But wait-- I can turn the heat down.

(whispers): He's learning.

Bye, you guys.

We'll be down to visit real soon.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm glad you finally came around about this place.

Peter, I got to admit, it's not bad at all.

Never thought I'd get used to the idea of giving up work and just devoting my life to leisure.

I guess this is what people mean by the word "relax."

Take care, dear.

We'll see you soon. Yeah, have fun.

Just remember not to go out into actual Florida.

You don't want to meet those people.

(doorbell rings)

Hi. I just moved into the neighborhood, and I'm required by law to inform you that I am a s*x offender.

Oh, don't worry about it-- so am I.

This whole block is S.O.'s.

We use the abbreviation "S.O's" because it saves a lot of time over saying "s*x Offender," because that's all we talk about.

Well, I'm also into football. Don't care.

No time for F.B. All about S.O.

Make no mistake, Florida is the South's trash can.

Boy, these eggs are delicious.

Good job, Lois.

Good job, local hen.

Aw, bucka bucka baw.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Hi, Mom.

What?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, o-okay, we'll be down there as soon as we can.

Mom, what's wrong?

We're going to Florida.

Why? What happened?

There's something horribly wrong with your grandpa.

Oh, Lois!

I'm so glad you made it.

He's been like this for days.

Oh, my God!

(grumbling)

...cream of wheat.

(mumbling)

...Jeopardy.

(mumbling)

...butterscotch pudding.

This is awful!

What's happened to him?

I don't know, dear.

He sleeps 18 hours a day, he refuses to bathe, and he's stopped making any sense.

Aw, that sounds like the sad little fat girl who lives in all of us and is struggling to get out.

(muffled grunts)

Did my parents call yet?

Nobody's looking for you! Now, stay in there!

Sometimes she tries to get out the other way.

That's why I keep a cork in my bum.

Daddy?

Daddy, can you hear me?

Oh, God, we should never have brought him here.

You're right, dear.

I can't stand to see him like this.

Well, we got to do something.

Don't worry, you guys, I think I might know how to fix this.

But first look-- I turned him into Groucho Marx.

That's hilarious.

Peter, what is this supposed to accomplish?

Don't you see, Lois? When we forced him to retire, we took all the challenge out of his life.

Perhaps some people aren't meant to retire at all.

Exactly! Now, let's see if we can put some fire back into him.

Margot, it's time to take this company in a new direction-- starting with being honest with the IRS about our profits.

(mumbling)

We're also gonna stop reading employee e-mails.

(mumbling) ...our servers.

And from now on it's against the rules to pat female employees on the fanny.

(mumbling): ...like touching butts!

And tell the African-American elevator attendant he no longer has to wear white gloves.

Why don't you just tell him he can sleep with my wife, too?!

Daddy!

Oh, Carter! You're back!

You're damn right I am!

Don't you ever try to stick me in one of those retirement places again!

I plan on sitting behind this desk until the day I die.

Getting old is right for some people, but not for me.

I know, Daddy.

You were right, and we're sorry.

(phone rings)

Hey, Mom.

No, Mom, you're staying in the nursing home.

I... I don't care.

I-I don't care.

M-Mom, believe me, no one is touching you in your sleep.

'Cause you're gross.

And even if they are, so what, who are you saving yourself for?

Hey, look, I-I got to go. I don't know if we're coming to Thanksgiving. Because I don't know!

She's staying in there.

I know.