Horrible Bosses


 * [first lines; as Nick is rushing to get to the office]
 * Nick Hendricks: [voice over] I get to work before the sun comes up and I leave long after it’s gone down. I haven’t had sex in six months with someone other than myself. And the only thing in my refrigerator is an old lime. Could be a kiwi, no way to tell. But here’s the thing, this is just temporary. Quick story, my grandmother came to this country with twenty dollars in her pocket. She worked hard her whole life and never took shit from anyone. When she died, she had turned that twenty dollars into two thousand dollars. That sucks! You know why she didn’t succeed? Because she didn’t take shit from anyone. The key to success, and they will not teach you this in business school, is taking shit. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the last eight years and it’s all about to pay off. I’m this close to getting a big promotion, with my own office. Then all the endless hours, and the sacrifice, and the shit eating will have been worth it.
 * [pausing the security video of Nick standing by the elevator]
 * Dave Harken: See, this is what concerns me, Nick. You’re a punctual guy. You know the importance of being here right at six a.m., which is what leads me to think that, there must be something wrong with the internal clock on our security system.
 * Nick Hendricks: May have been a minute late.
 * Dave Harken: But according to this, you were two minutes late. So either you’re a liar, or this system is off by a full minute.
 * Nick Hendricks: [voice over] The only hitch…I work for this guy. David Harken. Who right now is giving me some fresh shit for being two minutes late. He’s a ‘total fucking asshole’.
 * [getting dropped off to work by his fiancé, Stacy]
 * Dale Arbus: [voice over] When I was a kid, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. And I always gave the same answer.
 * [he kisses Stacy and they say I love you to each other]
 * Dale Arbus: [voice over] I wanted to be a husband. I know that sounds weird. Most boys wanna be fire house chiefs or personal trainers, but to me being a husband was like the highest calling. And thanks to Stacy, that dream’s about to come true. Unfortunately, no one’s gonna pay you to be a husband, unless you marry Oprah. So, I had to find a job. Now, I always admired dentists. They’re smart, they’re capable, they keep your teeth healthy. So I went out and I became one. Okay, I became a dental assistant. It’s basically the same thing. I just make a lot less money.
 * [whilst assisting his boss]
 * Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Do you ever see that show, Gossip Girl?
 * Dale Arbus: No.
 * Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Mmm…I watched an episode last night. I fingered myself so hard to that Penn Badgley guy, broke a nail.
 * Dale Arbus: [voice over] And it would have been the perfect job, if not for one ‘evil crazy bitch, D.D.S.’.