Barry Has Bailed


 * Daniel: Bad news, fellow adventurers. Barry has bailed.
 * Nerd: But Barry is our Dungeon Master! What could be more important?!
 * Stacy: He said he has a date. [laughs] As if! l mean, who would date Barry?!
 * TV Announcer: Back to A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila.
 * Barry: Choose me, Tila. Choose me! Choose me! Choose me! Choose me! Choose me!
 * Nerd: This is my big chance. Luckily l have been saving an adventure -- A masterpiece months in the design and planning -- for just such an occasion!
 * Stacy: [gasps] Awesome!
 * Nerd: Here goes. You find yourselves in a dark, mysterious dungeon!
 * Daniel: Oh, real original.'
 * Stacy: Duh.
 * Daniel: Let me guess. There's also a dragon in there?
 * Nerd: Uh! Uh, of course not! No, that's ridiculous! A dragon? What l meant to say is you find yourselves in a dark, mysterious, uh, mega dungeon!
 * Daniel: What?!
 * Stacy: No way!
 * Daniel: For this adventure, l select my Elven Spellthief. Wait! My elven bodybuilder Spellthief!
 * Stacy: l choose my goblin fashion model. She has a recording contract and a recurring role in a goblin prime-time drama.
 * Daniel: Are those boobs real or an elaborate illusion spell? To find out, l roll for grope! Ooh, 1-1, a very sexy number. [laughs]
 * Stacy:l cast testicular rupture!
 * Daniel: Ohh! Fire crotch!
 * Nerd: You are attacked by a grue!
 * Gure: [grue roars]
 * Daniel: l fire an arrow!
 * Nerd: Arrows are no good against his leathery hide!
 * Daniel: No! No!
 * Munson: Yeah, baby! lntroducing King Kickass! Everyone who plays this queer game has two vaginas Yeah Three, two, one, awesome!
 * Daniel: Get out of here, Munson!
 * Munson: Your elf appears to have popped a boner when he witnessed the abs of King Kickass!
 * Daniel: He did not! You don't even know how to play!
 * Nerd: Actually, his character sheet appears to be in order.
 * Stacy: Um, well, we do need another player.
 * Daniel: Ugh! [panting] Fine!
 * Nerd: You now enter the inner sanctum! Your goal is finally in sight -- a treasure chest!
 * Daniel: Pbht, predictable.
 * Nerd: However, the treasure chest is guarded by an Owlbear! lt commands an army of Monkeybees!
 * Daniel: Hmm, shaking the dust off a few relics, l see. Sorry, Dungeon Master, but those ridiculous beasts can't match up to a team of, uh uh --
 * Owlbear: [roaring]
 * Daniel: Where did Stacey and Munson go?!
 * Nerd: Munson said something about banging fingers in your parents' bedroom. Shall we watch Tila Tequila?
 * Daniel: Yes. Want to borrow a sock?
 * Nerd: Yes.