Despicable Me

Gru approaches his door, holding a mace in one of his hands. He peeks through the key hole, seeing three little girls: Margo, Edith and Agnes.

Margo: ''Hello! ''Cookies for sale!

Gru: Go away! I’m not home!

Margo: Uh, yes, you are. I heard you.

Edith steps in front of Margo and makes a funny face at Gru.

Gru: [gasps and drops the mace] No, you didn’t, this... [monotone] ...is a recording.

Margo: [scoffs; o.s.] No, it isn’t.

Gru: Yes, it is.

Cue the girls still standing in front of Gru's door

Gru: [o.s.] Watch this. [monotone] Leave a message. Beep.

Edith kicks the door.

Gru: [o.s.] Ow!

Margo and Edith leave off-frame in disbelief.

Agnes: [still standing in front of Gru’s door] Goodbye, recorded message.

Margo: [o.s.] Agnes, come on!

Cue the girls entering their room and starting to pack.

Margo: [rips off a poster] I bet the mom is beautiful!

Edith: [picks up a piggy bank] I bet the daddy’s eyes sparkle!

Agnes: I bet their house is made of gummy bears!

Margo and Edith stare at Agnes in disbelief.

Agnes: I'm just saying it will be nice. [picks up a Cheeto] Aww, my caterpillar never turned into a butterfly.

Edith: That’s a Cheeto.

Agnes: Oh. [eats it]

In response, Margo and Edith wince in disgust.

[A minion drinks something purple out of an Erlenmeyer flask, suddenly he starts floating upwards]

Dr. Nefario: We've been working on this for a while. It's, uh, anti-gravity serum.

Minion: [notices he is drifting towards an open window; terrified] OOH, OOH, OOH, MELOMO, AAAAAAAAAAAHHH! [disappears into the sky]

Dr. Nefario: I meant to close that. He'll be all right, I'm sure.

Gru: Do the effects wear off?

Dr. Nefario: Uh, so far, no... no they don't.

Gru looks up to see ten Minions floating about on the ceiling and waves at them

Dr. Nefario: And here, of course, is the new weapon you ordered. [shoots a Minion with the fart gun, knocking him out]

Gru: No, no, no. I said dart gun, not... [stops and starts fanning the scent away] Okay.

Dr. Nefario: Oh! Yes. 'Cause I was wondering... under what circumstances would we use this? But anyway, [puts the fart gun away; clears his throat] what I really wanted to show you, was this. [shows Gru a dozen cookies, which are actually spider-like robots]

Gru: [delighted] Those are cookie robots!

Agnes: [suddenly disturbs them; singing] La, la, la... I love unicorns...

Gru: [turns to the girls] What are you doing here? I told you to stay in the kitchen.

Margo: We got bored. What is this place?

Gru: [suddenly stops] Err...

Edith: [about the liquid in the beaker] Can I drink this?

Dr. Nefario: [taking the beaker] Do you want to explode?

In response, Edith kicks him in the shin.

Dr. Nefario: [yowls in pain] GRU!

Gru: Get back in the kitchen!

Agnes: Will you play with us?

Gru: No.

Agnes: Why?

Gru: Because, I’m busy.

Margo: [scoffs] Doing what?

Gru: Um... Okay, okay, you got me. The dentist thing is more of a hobby. In real life, I am a spy. And it is top secret and you may not tell anybody! Because if you do...

Edith: [cuts him off] What does this do?

Cue Edith shooting the laser gun at Agnes’ unicorn. Once she lifts the unicorn, it crumbles.

Gru: [angry] Hey!

Edith: Whoops!

Agnes: My unicorn! [to Gru] You got to fix it.

Gru: Fix it? Look... it has been disintegrated. By definition, it cannot be fixed.

[Agnes gasps, then starts holding her breath.

Gru: [flatly] That’s freaking me out. What is she doing?

Margo: She’s gonna hold her breath until she gets a new one.

Gru: [sighs] It is just a toy, now stop it.

Agnes faints after holding her breath for too long.

Gru: [yelps, then panics] Okay, Okay! I fix it! [through megaphone] Tim! Mark! Phil!

Three minions immediately arrive in pneumatic tubes

Gru: This is very important. You have to get the little girl a new unicorn toy.

Tim: Eh? Papoi? Bakanana papoi?

Mark: No-no. Ba-boy!

Tim: Ah! Papoy! [Phil chuckles]

Gru: Hey, hey! A toy!

Tim: Da-da-da! Papoy! [scoffs]

Gru: Go, and hurry!

Tim, Mark and Phil leave.

Margo: What are those?

Gru: They are my... [Dr. Nefario looks at him] ...cousins. Jerry, Stuart.

Two other Minions come in

Gru: Watch them and keep them away from me, please.

Edith: Umm... [points to the Minions] It was your cousin’s idea.

Jerry: [confused] Whaaaaaa?!

Gru: Okay, bedtime.

Girls: Aww...

Minions: Aww...

Gru: Not you two!

Minions: Yay!

Cue Gru putting the girls in bed

Gru: Okay-dokay, beddie-bye. All tucked in. Sweet dreams.

Margo: Just so you know, you’re never gonna be my dad.

Gru: [pulls the lever] Hmm. I think I can live with that.

Edith: Are these bed made out of bombs?

Gru: Yes, but they are very old and highly unlikely to blow up. [pulls the lever again] But try not to toss and turn.

Edith: [proudly] Cool.

Agnes: [holds up a book] Will you read us a bedtime story?

Gru: [reluctantly] No.

Agnes: But we can’t go to sleep without a bedtime story.

Gru: Well, then it’s going to be a long night for you, isn’t it? So, good night, sleep tight, and don’t let the bed bugs bite, because there are literally [turns off the lights] thousands of them! [ominously] Oh, and there’s probably something in your closet. [slams the door shut and chortles]

Margo: [referring to Gru] He’s just kidding, Agnes.

Gru: [calls out] Girls, let’s go! Time to deliver the cookies!

Margo: Hmm... Okay, but first we’re going to dance class.

Gru: Actually, we’re going to have to skip the dance class today.

Margo: Actually, we can’t [mocking] “skeep” the dance class today. We have a big recital coming up. We’re doing an excerpt from Swan Lake.

Agnes: [steps in] Yeah! Swan Lake!

Gru: Sorry to bother you Mr. Perkins, but I figured that you would want to see this! [shows the shrink ray] Huh? [shrinks Jerry]

Mr. Perkins: Well done, Gru. Rather impressive.

Gru: Now, the rest of the plan is simple: [shows a picture] I fly to the moon. [shows another picture] I shrink the moon. [shows another picture] I grab the moon. [shows a poorly drawn picture, signed by Edith] I sit on the toi-let, what?! [the girls laugh; nervous] Sorry. Sorry! Could you, uh, excuse me for just one second? [to the girls; whisper-jells] I told you not to touch my things, I told you, I told you, I told you a thousand times!

Margo: [not paying attention] Uh-huh. Hey, can we order pizza?

Gru: [picks up Agnes and puts her back] Pizza? You just had lunch!

Edith: Not now, for dinner.

Gru: Dinner?! Just fine, fine, fine, whatever! Just get back in there.

Margo: Oh, uh, can we get stuffed crust?

Gru suddenly stops with an irate look on his face

Edith, Agnes, Stuart and Jerry: Ooh, stuffed crust!

Gru: I'LL STUFF YOU ALL IN THE CRUST!

Agnes: [giggles] You're funny!

Gru: Just don't come out of that room again! [closes the door and barks; to Mr. Perkins] Alright. Sorry about that. Where were we?

Mr. Perkins: You were sitting on the toilet.

Gru: No, no, no. I'm sorry. That was a little attempt to humor. I know how much you like to laugh...

Mr. Perkins looks at him angrily

Gru: ...inside. Eh, now, I was saying... [notices the door open]

Mr. Perkins: You don't seem terribly focused, Gru.

Gru: Believe me, I am completely focused. I-

Edith: Hello? Whoa! That guy is huge!

Agnes: Are we on TV?

Mr. Perkins: What are those? Children?!

Gru: [furious] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! I told you to stay out of here! [chases the girls out of the room, then backs away when Edith and Agnes aim the freeze ray at him] No, no, no!

Edith:Freeze ray!

Mr. Perkins: Mr. Gru?

Gru: [shrieks, but arrives with a frozen body, with the exception of his head, arms, and buttocks] As I was saying...

Mr. Perkins: No need to continue, I've seen quite enough.

Gru: But my plan--

Mr. Perkins: Is a great plan, I love everything about your plan, except for one thing: you.

'''Young Gru''': Look, Mom! I drew a picture of me landing on the moon!

Gru's Mom: [looks at Gru's picture, but turns back] Ehh.

'''Young Gru''': Look, Mom! I made a prototype of the rocket out of macaroni!

Gru's Mom: [looks at his macaroni prototype, but regrets] Ehh.

Young Gru: [excitedly] Look, Mom! I made a real rocket, based on the macaroni prototype! [presses a button, sending the rocket into space]

Gru's Mom: [looks at Gru's rocket as it flies off] Ooo... [looks back at Gru] Ehh.

Gru: [knocks down in shock, breaking the ice encasing him; confused] I... don't understand.

Mr. Perkins: Let's face reality, Gru. You've been at this for far too long, with far too little success. We're gonna put our faith, our money, into a...well, a younger villain.

Gru: But I...

Mr. Perkins: It's over. Goodbye, Gru. [crushes an apple and the TV turns off]

Gru: [threatening] Listen close, you little punk. When I get in there, you are in for a world of pain!

Vector: [chuckles sarcastically] I’m really scared.

In anger, Gru punches the lens, breaking it and making Vector almost drop the moon. At the same time, the girls smirk at Vector maliciously.

Agnes: He is gonna kick your butt.