Oregon Trail

1 "Oregon Trail" [OPENING THEME PLAYING] [MUSIC] Someone turn up the AC or I'll sweat on you. I will. I'll sweat on you. Walking all the way over there is going to take forever, yo. Do we not have the remote controller? The thing's manual. Got to use your manuals. I ain't using my manuals for nothing. Then are we to be forever trapped in this suffering? No, no, I can't take it. Someone help. Oh, my goodness gracious. Someone please! Just help! A cry for help. Where's the danger? - All around us, bro. - And it is the sticky. Are you talking about the heat? Just turn on the AC. [CRYING AND COMPLAINING INDISTINTCLY] surmountable distance from here. Is this what modern life has done to you? Made you soft? Not long ago, we didn't have all these modern conveniences. [MUSIC] Every day was a hardship, but it made people strong and self-reliant. In fact, I think a road trip is in order. A road trip? That sounds fun. Well, it's not. This road trip will be educational! In order to teach you self-reliance in an environment without modern conveniences, I brought you to the very same trail old timey pioneers once braved to make a new life for themselves. - Welcome to the Oregon Trail! - So, we're in Oregon? Not yet. It's only 2,000 miles that way. Are you crazy? That's going to take us days. Meet you guys there. [YELPS] - It won't take a couple of days. - ALL: Phew. It'll take several months as the rugged pioneers didn't have cars or magic portals. [SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY] - is to fritter away, Robin! - I love the enthusiasm, Titans! This is the trading post where our educational adventure begins. Would you like the look around? Y or N? Robin, what is this Y or N? Y or N! Y means yes, N means no. - Then why not just say yes or no? - Because it's faster this way. Yes and no are like the shortest words already. And now they're even shorter. Look around, Y or N? ALL: N. So you don't want to look around this historic trading post? The place where a carpenter from Ohio, or a farmer from Illinois might start their journey? ALL: N. Fine. Just get in the wagon. [MOOS] Oh, adorable! [KISSING] I will name you Hug-head, and you will sleep in the room of the bed with me. Don't get attached. We will probably eat Hug-head when the going gets tough. - Oh, I see. - Now, let's hit the road. - I'm not riding in that. - Yes, you are. - I call shot gun! - Good idea, Beast Boy. We don't know what dangers the trail will hold. ROBIN: Yee-haw! [SIGHS] So far, so good, Titans. The weather is warm, our pace is steady, and we are in good health. [GAGS AND GROANS] [VOMITS] Uh, mostly good. I thought that this was supposed to be educational. So far our trip has been the boring, the monotonous, and repetitive. You've perfectly summed up the Oregon Trail! - Looks like someone has been learning. - I'm done learning. Let's go home and play some fun video games, yo. [THUMPING] [YELPS] [GROANS] [WHEELS SCREECHING] Beast Boy! [GROANS] Beast Boy fell under the wagon and has broken his leg. Would you like to, one, continue on the trail? Why would we want to continue on the trail? - We got to fix Beast Boy's - Let me finish! Two, check supplies? Three, look at a map? [BEAST BOY YELPS] - [CRYING] My leg! - He needs the medical assistance. Four, change pace? Five, change rations? We don't need any of these numbered options. - We need an ambulance! - The pioneers had no ambulances. All they had were seven numbered options! So deal with it! Now, where was I? Right. Six, stop to rest? - Seven - Six, let's just do six! You have chosen to stop and rest. Y or N? ALL: [SCREAMING] Y. [RATTLING] You will feel the slighest of the pressures. [SCREAMS] - All the betters. - [SIGHS] Thank you, Star. History is really coming to life for Beast Boy. Would you like to share what you've learned so far? [CRYING] I want to go home. Wonderful. Well, we've lost enough time. Let's, one, continue on the trail. Dude, I need to rest. [WHIMPERS] - I'm sorry. Excuse me? - Rest. That's not what a pioneer would call it. [FROGS RIBBITING] Oh, I want to six. Can I six please? Sorry, I have already oned. And, if we get caught in the snows of winter, we may not make it at all. Weather is cold. Health? [ALL SHIVERING] Is fair. Pace? Is steady. This is the worst experience of my life. That's great to hear, Cyborg. Sounds like you really put yourself in the shoes of the pioneers. Oh, by the way. A thief has stolen your shoe. - Oh, man. I'm going to get blisters. - We're hungry, Robin. Yes. Hug-head is beginning to look the delicious. [MOOING] Let's four, check supplies. Hmm, we are out of rations. Then let us eat the delicious Hug-head! Not yet. We need him to pull the cart. Very well. You are the safe for now, Hug-head. Soon [SLURPING] Titans, when you run out of food, there is only one option. Order pizza. [BEEPS] No pizza! We are going hunting. [COCKS GUN] [POPS] Here, shoot one of those buffalo. No way, bro. I ain't going to hurt no buffaloes. - I'm a vegetarian, dude. - This is the Oregon Trail. You either eat meat or die. If everybody just eats their greens, my buffalo - buddies don't need to get hurt. - Give me that! ROBIN: Shoot, shoot, shoot, ha-ha-ha-ha. I see you hiding behind that rock, buffalo! Come on, get some. [LAUGHS] Squirrel, where you going to go, huh? Deer! Say hello to my little friend, huh? Rabbits, ah, shake a tail! [LAUGHS] Whoo! Shake a tail. Squirrel. That bush won't save you. [GROANS] STARFIRE: [GASPS] That is enough food for the remainder of the trip. Too bad we can only carry 100 pounds back to the cart. - Then why did you shoot so many? - Because it's the only fun part of this incredibly boring but educational journey. - Mmm, mmm. - Delicious. I'm loving this buffalo flavor. Titans, I have some bad news and some bad news. First, the bad news. Beast Boy was bitten by a rattle snake. I was? [SCREAMS] I can't feel my hand. It's swelling so bad. Now for the bad news. Beast Boy has dysentery. - What's that? - That's where you poop till you croak. Uh-oh. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! While Beast Boy is pooping himself, would anyone like to look around? Y, N? Should we not help him? Oh, sorry, that's not an option on the numbered list. [BEAST BOY GROANS] Beast Boy has died. You did not say people would die. Well, that's what happens on the Oregon Trail. It's super boring, you hunt a little, and then everybody in your party dies a horrible death. - What about learning? - Oh, you learn you're going to die. Oh, I can't believe my boy, Beastie just passed on! That's right, I did! - [GASPS] You're a ghost. - Oh, are you, um, okay? Dude, I feel great. Check it. Ooh, ah, ah, ooh. Ah, man. I wish I was a ghost. Just get yourself some dysentery, girl! My homies are not happy with you, by the way. [GROWLING] It is winter. Our pace is slow. Health is [ALL SHIVERING] [COUGHS] - Poor. - It can't get any worse, right? Starfire has died. Not Starfire! [SHATTERS] [HIP- HOP MUSIC PLAYING] - Lucky. - Ignore the ghosts. Just think of all your learning about the hardships - of the pioneers. - Yo. When you'se a ghost, you don't need to learn nothing no more! [LAUGHS] Well, Raven got the measles, and up and died And Cyborg boy He cried and cried Till he caught a cold And he was dead [STOMACH RUMBLING] With no food around, I ate Hug-head For three long weeks He kept me fed Boy, life ain't easy on the Oregon Trail I'll tell you Life ain't easy on the Oregon Trail [SHIVERING] [GHOSTS LAUGHING] I'm learning so much. [PANTING HEAVILY] I made it to the Dalles river. Would I like to look around? Y or N? You bet, Y! [BIRDS CAWING] Ah, majestic. It was all worth it. How's looking around going, bro? [SLURPING] Great! Now all I have to do is float this cart across the river, and I'll be in Oregon! Besides hunting, this is the only fun part of the Oregon Trail. RAVEN: More fun than our ghost yacht? [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] Whoo, look at all these ghost babes! [LAUGHS] Just give it up, dude. This yachts booming. Come on board! ROBIN: Never! I will ride this trail to the very end. And there's nothing you can do to stop me. [MUSIC CONTINUES] Phew, looks like it's all smooth sailing from here. [SCREAMS] [SPLASH] [GROANS] [COUGHING] [WHEEZING] Congratulations. I've made it to Oregon. Good job, bro. Can you tell us what you learned from your boring journey? That Robin has dysentery. [STOMACH RUMBLING]