1987

It's alive! This here's my town, and I won't let you take it. You just try and stop us. All in a day's work, kids. Kids, what are you doing?! Help! Paper cut! Hollywood's turned everything from old TV shows to video games to theme park rides into movies. Now they're tackling board games guaranteeing audiences will be unbored this summer. In a town torn apart by crime, the heroes bite back! - You boys sure are hungry. - Hungry for justice! A hippo playing pool. I'd like to see that. Fine. I'll break. It's a race! Help! Hippos! It's a chase! So, hurry up and feed your face. I always knew them hippos was trouble. Officer John Chutes was born to be a cop. Officer Mikey Ladders was born to be wild. You weren't just robbing one man, you know. You gotta think of the socio-economic realities of the situation. Sorry, am I punching you too hard? But this summer Officer Chutes and Officer Ladders are born to be Partners?! OK, well, let's just do what we do best. You kids need to give me some respect! My dodge balls! Grandma's ashes! Ben Stiller. Owen Wilson. Yeah, OK. I'm enthusiastic. This is good. This is nice spaghetti. Chutes and Ladders. Also, catch Ben Stiller in the following movies this summer. All we need to do is get past security disable the alarms, break into the vault and carry $400 billion in untraceable bills out of the casino. I think I got a way. That's what I call a royal flush! Jackpot, daddy-o! Slip 'n' Slide: The Movie. This summer, action is all wet and plastic and you can slide on it. Massage chair if we lived in Canada, I would make you my bride. - Skeletor! - Oh, no. It's Mo-Larr, Eternian Dentist. You missed your 10:15 appointment! I'm busy, Mo-Larr. You have an impacted wisdom tooth, Skeletor! It has to come out! I'm a talking skull! What do I care if You know what? The hell with this. The boss man says his appointment is cancelled! I'm all out of mint flavor. How come beast-man got the dental floss and I got the fucking drill in my eye?! Success! You son of a bitch! Comes with everything you see here. ¤ M-e-a-t m- a-c-h-i-n-e ¤ ¤ Meat machine, meat machine, all right, break ¤ So, I threw the Senate at him. The whole Senate. True story. Oh, my God. That is so funny. You made it come out of my nose. Go for Papa Palpatine. You have a collect call from Darth Vader. I gotta take this. Hold on. Vader, how's my favorite Sith? Just slow down. What do you mean they blew up the Death Star?! Fuck, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. Who's they?! What the hell is an Aluminum Falcon?! OK, OK. So, who's left? Are you shitting me?! Well, where are you?! Wait a sec. You've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal? You must smell like feet wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon. I'm sorry. I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port only two meters wide. That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet! Do you have any idea what this is gonna do to my credit? Hang on. I got another call. What?! I'm very busy right now! Well, where are they going? All right. Just get me a turkey club. Coleslaw, I guess. I'm not even gonna eat it. What are you getting? No, see, I always order the wrong thing. No, no, no. I'll just stick with that. OK, bye. Wait, what? Cherry coke. Thanks. Sorry about that. What? Just rebuild it?! Real fucking original! And who's going to give me a loan, jack-hole, you?! You got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite? Get your 7'2" asthmatic ass back here or I'll tell everyone what a whiney bitch you were about Patomommi or Panda Bear or whatever the hell her name is! Jeez! He's crying. Come on. Come on. Don't do that. Just Look, you know, I'm just dealing with a lot of crap right now. Death Star blown up by a bunch of fucking teenagers, you know I didn't mean to snap. Just get back here. OK. OK, bye. I Yeah. I I love you, too. And then this sap will be made into yummy maple syrup. Now, what is wrong here? Almost there. Almost there. This in the name of science, boy. We gonna conduct an experiment up inside Uranus. Now, squeal like a pig! Pressure's down to 60. Damn it! He's losing too much blood. Don't you die on me, you hear?! Nurse, get me more O-neg, stat! - Feeling better? - I feel great. Finish him! Good night, love bug! You know, you gotta watch that flirting. It'll get you into trouble! Trouble. What have you been sleeping on? Pan-global oil keeps dumping sludge into the Atlantic Ocean. That burns my ass! Forget it, Ted. There's nothing you can do. Maybe I can't but Captain Planet can! Captain Planet! Captain Planet! Captain Planet! Captain Planet! - Where will we dump our sludge next? - The Grand Canyon could hold a lot of it. It sure could. Let's sludge the hell out of the Grand Canyon. - Is that Ted Turner? - I think it is. What the hell's he doing? He's on one of those zip-lines. Is that what they're called, zip-lines? - Well, I always thought it was - Captain Planet! - You got glass in my eye! - And my foot in your balls! Captain Planet! What do you want, Mr. Turner?! Just sign this pledge not to dump any more sludge and I'll let you go! - OK, OK! - This appears to be in order. Captain Planet! Protect the environment or I'll fucking kill you! Captain Planet! You heard it here, folks. The biggest catch-phrase of the new millennium will be "Captain Planet!" My friends say it all the time. And then kick each other in the nuts. That's awesome! As the opening credit sequence basically tells you you are the chicken forced to watch this shit. Am I getting paid for this? If I had a toy of myself, I'd have to make out with it. Twinkie the kid. That's topical. Here's another great thing. We're gonna do movie parodies. Does the world need another Owen Wilson - Ben Stiller movie? The answer is an emphatic yes. Chutes and Ladders. Are you kidding me?! A travesty! This is comedy to these people. Yes, yes, yes, and more yes. When your career was on the down slope, you'd to go to infomercials. Now, you go to Robot Chicken. The best Robot Chicken ever. Couldn't be a more opposite statement. That show stinks. It's not gay, it's masturbation. People watch this on television! They chose this!