Grilled Cheese Deluxe

(Mordecai sits in front of a computer. Rigby walks in with a paper bag)

Rigby: Mordecai! Mordecai! Oh, there you are. You want half of this grilled cheese?

Mordecai: Whoa! Is that a grilled cheese deluxe from Cheezer's?

Rigby: Yes, it is.

Mordecai: Then, yes.

(They eat the sandwiches)

Mordecai: How did you manage this?

Rigby: I bought it. With money.

Mordecai: Nice! Hey, you know what would go good with these sandwiches? Funny internet videos! Dude, check this out. (Begins typing in name on the keyboard)

Rigby: No, wait! I know a really good one. (Types on the keyboard)

Mordecai: No, man! You’re just gonna pull up that ostrich thing with the balls again.

Rigby: No, I’m not.

Mordecai: You’re typing it in! I see it!

Rigby: Dude, don’t look! You’re gonna ruin it!

Mordecai: Fine. It better not be that ostrich thing with the balls. Ready yet?

Rigby: It’s loading. Okay... Now!

Woman: (In video) Don’t get too close now, pa!

(The ostrich hits a baseball off the tee, pecks the old man in the groin, and raises its wings. Rigby laughs.)

Mordecai: Man, it’s that ostrich thing with the balls! Why do you gotta lie to me, dude?

Rigby: ‘Cause lying’s my specialty!

(Benson comes in very angry.)

Benson: What are you doing with my sandwich?!

Mordecai: What?!

Rigby: Don’t worry. I’ll take care of this with my specialty. This isn’t your sandwich. This is our sandwich.

Benson: This is your sandwich, huh? Then how come it says "Benson" on the bag?

Rigby: Huh? it’s supposed to say "Rigby," but they misspelled my name wrong.

Benson: STOP LYING!!!

Mordecai: Dude, I thought you said you bought this!

Benson: '''No, he didn't buy it! Now get off your lazy butts and go get me another Grilled Cheese Deluxe!!!' (Slams the door shut)''

Mordecai: Argh! You ruined our day off!

Rigby: Ah, don’t worry, dude. The line won’t be that long.

(Scene goes to Cheezer’s. The line is extremely long.)

Mordecai: Thanks for saving the day with your specialty, you idiot!

Rigby: Whatever. Like you could do any better.

Mordecai: Pfff! I’m a better liar than you are.

Rigby: Oh, really? The only thing you’re better than me at is being a big piece of-

(Mordecai punches Rigby in the stomach. Meanwhile two astronauts in blue jackets go around the line and enter the restaurant.)

Mordecai: Hey! Argh! What the...? Those pork loins are cutting! Argh!

Fat woman: Excuse me! Those fine men are astronauts! They can cut in line. They fought for our country! Huh!

Rigby: (Rises off the ground and gasps) Dude, here’s your chance to prove you’re a better liar than me. Or maybe you can’t? Look at your face. (Touches Mordecai's face all around) It must really eat you up inside to not be able to prove you’re a better liar than me! ‘Cause you can prove nothing! You. Can’t. Prove. Anything!

Mordecai: (Slaps away Rigby's hand and picks him up) Fine! You want me to prove I’m a better liar than you? Why wouldn’t we see who is better in lying? Whoever gets caught first loses!

Rigby: Okay. It’s not like you’re ever gonna lie better than thi-i-is!

(Mordecai drops Rigby.)

Mordecai: Ahem, excuse me, Miss.

Fat woman: What?!

Mordecai: We're astronauts! (They enter the Cheezer’s, cutting in line.) Bam! I told you I’m a better liar than you!

Rigby: Woah, woah, woah! Step aside! I’ll show you how a real man lies. (Approaches a counter) Hey, baby! Give me a Grilled Cheese Deluxe and make it snappy, ‘cause we’re astronauts and we gotta get back up in space! Know what I’m sayin’?

Cheezer's Cashier: Oh, my! (Speaks using a loudspeaker) One Grilled Cheese Deluxe for the astronauts. (The announcement arouses the real astronauts’ curiosity.) That’ll be two fifty.

Rigby: Bam! That’s a moon quarter! (Points to a quarter)

Cheezer's Cashier: Oh! (Takes the money)

Rigby: Hmm, hmm! See?

Mordecai: Dude, that was lame!

Cheezer's Cashier: Excuse me, sir! Your Grilled Cheese is ready.

Mordecai: Thanks. We gotta get this back to our astronaut captain. Know what I’m sayin’? Hmm! Hmm!

Cheezer's Cashier: Oh, is that your astronaut captain over there?

Mordecai: Huh? (Sees Rigby talking with real astronauts) ARGHHHH!!! (Comes up to them)

Rigby: This is the guy!

Real Astronaut: (Very indignant) You’re the guy?

Mordecai: I’m...

Rigby: Hmm, hmm!

Mordecai: (Unsure) I’m the guy...

Real Astronaut: (Suddenly, a real astronaut turns very excited. He is about to shake Mordecai’s hand.) Well! It’s an honor to meet you, captain! Lieutenant Riggs here has told us a lot about you.

Real Astronaut 2: Yeah, it’s great to meet a couple of real fellow astronauts.

Real Astronaut: So, what are you guys doing in this dump hole, anyways?

Rigby: Ah, you know. We're just pickin' up a Grilled Cheese for our commanding officer.

Real Astronaut 2: Ha-ha! I hear that!

Mordecai: Ha, yeah! We were just getting ready to take it back to the compound.

Real Astronaut 2: Compound? We were just getting ready to go there ourselves! Wanna lift?

Mordecai: Uh, sure. We’ll take a ride to the compound.

Real Astronaut: Come to think of it, why haven’t we seen you around the compound before...?

Rigby: We’ve just got back from a 10-year stand in the old shuttlecraft. Isn’t that right, captain Mordecai?

Mordecai: Yeah. And we’ve just transferred here. It’s our first day.

Real Astronaut: Well, welcome! We’ll be glad to show you around! Now, I hope you’re up to spend a 2.5 million dollars of taxpayers’ money, ‘cause we’re drivin’!

(They use a kind of an Apollo-like spaceship as their vehicle and simply cross the street because the compound is located right opposite of the Cheezer’s.)

Real Astronaut: Gentlemen, welcome to the compound! ('Compound' echos)

Rigby: Oh, uh, I forgot my ID in my other pants. Can you help me out, guys?

Mordecai: Oh, what? That was my ID! I told you not to lose it!

Real Astronaut: Guys, guys, calm down! You can use our IDs! (They pass the checkpoint.) Here. You, guys, might be more comfortable in these. (Passes them jackets)

Rigby: Ah, thanks! Yeah, I love these things, but captain Mordecai might not be that into 'em. Don’t you like the uniforms in pink?

Real Astronaut: Pink?!

Mordecai: I only had to borrow a pair that one time from... (Notices an employee list on the wall and quickly picks up a random name) Dr. Asinoskovich. That one time.

Real Astronaut: Ah, you know Dr. Asinoskovich? That’s funny. Because she’s right here! (Points at a woman standing with her back towards them)

Dr. Asinoskovich: (Turns around and speaks with a German accent) I don’t remember you!

Mordecai: Really? Uh... It was one time at that conference. You don’t remember me?

Dr. Asinoskovich: Uh... I don’t remember very much from that conference. I... have to go! (Runs away very quickly)

Real Astronaut: Wow! That was awkward! Ah, come on! We’ll give you the grand tour!

Mordecai: Dude, you should quit right now. You’re totally gonna get caught!

Rigby: Hmm, hmm. We’ll see.

(Lies by Thompson Twins is being played while the astronauts are showing Mordecai and Rigby around.)

(Mordecai and Rigby wash their hands in the bathroom.)

Rigby: Man! I don’t think you can last much longer! I think you should give it up!

Mordecai: They're not onto me.

Rigby: Then I guess it’s time that I start lying at one hundred percent! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?!

Real Astronaut: And what tour would be complete without a stop at the pride of our compound --- the antimatter chamber! (Slaps some clerk on his back) How is she running today, Jimmy?

Jimmy: Well, actually, sir... There’ve been some problems maintaining safe levels of-

Real Astronaut: (Slaps Jimmy again, causing Jimmy to drop his clipboard right onto a green button, pushing it) That’s fate. I don’t understand a half of that these science types say.

Rigby: Oh, that’s too bad. Captain here’s an expert on it!

Real Astronaut: You’re an expert on antimatter?

Mordecai: Uh... Yeah... Uh... But not compared to how much this guy knows! (Points to Rigby)

(An alert beeper sound grows stronger.)

Rigby: (Frustrated) Uh...

Mordecai: Did you know he wrote a book on it?

Rigby: We wrote a book on it!

Mordecai: Well, you did the most of the work on it!

Rigby: But your name’s on the cover!

Mordecai: Yeah, right next yours!

Rigby: Above mine!

Real Astronaut: Jimmy, knock off that beepin’!

Jimmy: Yeah, actually, sir, I’m having trouble with-

Real Astronaut: Trouble? We-ell, these guys are experts! Can you lend a hand, fellas?

Rigby: Sure, we can! Go ahead, captain!

Mordecai: (Approaches the control panel) Well, according to the book lieutenant Rigby wrote, you wanna turn that knob there.

(Jimmy follows the orders.)

Rigby: (Cuts in) But captain’s own research really outdates mine. So turn that knob over there!

Mordecai: But he’s forgetting the recent discoveries he made! Flip those switches!

Rigby: Discoveries based on his studies... Hit those buttons!

Mordecai: I never said hit those buttons!

Rigby: Yeah, Jimmy! You’re not doing like captain Mordecai said! You gotta do it like this! (Bumps over all the buttons)

(The anti-nucleus gets unstable. Pipes burst. Danger light bulbs explode.)

Mordecai: Dude, quit! You’re gonna break it!

Rigby: No, you’re gonna break it!

Major Williams: What’s all this commotion?

Real Astronaut: Major Williams? Sir! (Dusts off Mordecai and Rigby) We were just showing these new transfers around the compound, sir!

(A warning siren is heard.)

Jimmy: Captain Mordecai! Lieutenant Riggs! The antimatter is becoming unstable!

(Shows the antimatter wobbling in a mass.)

Real Astronaut: Captain Mordecai, Lieutenant Riggs! You can fix it, right?

Mordecai: Yes! Lieutenant Riggs can totally fix it!

Rigby: Not without captain’s help!

Real Astronaut: No time for modesty! (He opens the antimatter chamber door and shoves Mordecai and Rigby in there.)

Mordecai: Dude, this is all your fault.

Rigby: What?! You’re the one who won’t admit that you suck at lying!

Mordecai: ‘Cause I don’t!

(The others watch Mordecai and Rigby argue through the window.)

Rigby: Why don't you give up and tell ‘em what’s going on so they can help us?!

Mordecai: No, you do it!

Rigby: No way!

(The antimatter shakes even more.)

Mordecai: Arghhh!! Fine!

Real Astronaut: What’s the holdup?

Mordecai: Look. I have to tell you the truth. (Rigby nods.) I have a condition that makes me forget everything in times of extreme stress. (Rigby's mouth hangs open in shock.) Lieutenant Riggs doesn’t have that condition. He’s just an idiot.

Rigby: Hey!

Mordecai: We need you tell us what to do!

Real Astronaut: Oh, my... Jimmy, what do we do?

Jimmy: They have to penetrate the anti-nucleus with something solid!

Real Astronaut: Right! Listen up! You have one chance at this thing! You have to throw Lieutenant Riggs into the anti-nucleus!

Rigby: WHAT??!!

Real Astronaut: It’s the only way! Captain Mordecai is too big for you to throw. You must sacrifice yourself to save thousands of lives, lieutenant!

Rigby: NO!! Don’t listen to him, Mordecai! DON’T DO IT!!!!

Real Astronaut: Do it! Throw him in! THROW HIM IN!!!

(Mordecai looks around, conflicted.)

Rigby: Please! No! No!

Real Astronaut: Throw him now! NOW!!!

Rigby: I’m sorry! I’m sorry for lying! You win, okay?! I won’t lie anymore!

Mordecai: It’s too late, Rigby! I can’t let everybody die because of us! (Mordecai lifts Rigby up over his head and is about to throw him in...)

Rigby: (Poor Rigby!) NO!!!!

(A zip sound is heard.)

Rigby: Huh? (Sees that his jacket is unzipped)

Mordecai: You thought I was gonna throw you in? I told you I’m a better liar than you. (Holds the grilled cheese bag in his hand)

Rigby: Benson’s grilled cheese!

Mordecai: You better hope this works! Huh!

(Mordecai throws a bag with grilled cheese into the anti-nucleus. The anti-nucleus catches the bag with its energy field. Then it catches Rigby...)

Rigby: Nyahh!

Mordecai: Rigby! Ahh!

(...and Mordecai as well. It twists, rips them up, and puts them back together, then explodes. It then throws them out, knocking over the chamber door. They both look roasted enough. They groan and cough as they look up at the others.)

Rigby: We’re not astronauts.

(Cut to the Park. The two astronauts hurl Mordecai and Rigby out of a van.)

Real Astronaut: If you ever lie about being astronauts again, YOU’RE DEAD!!!

Rigby: We saved the city, astro-!

(The astronauts throw the Cheezer's bag in Rigby's face and drive away.)

(Benson is on the computer as they enter his room.)

Benson: Where have you been? I’ve been waiting all day!

(Mordecai gives Benson his Grilled Cheese Deluxe. It is totally burned.)

Benson: What the...? What happened to my sandwich?!

Rigby: There were spacemen! At Cheezer’s! And the two... we went down and... everyone wore sweatpants... even us... and then the room with the bad stuff... but... we saved the city with your sandwich!

Benson: Ugh... Why do you always have to lie to my face?

Mordecai: We ran it over by accident.

(Pause)

Benson: See? Was it so hard to tell the truth?