A Fistful of Meg

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ Is violence in movies and s*x on TV ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ All the things that make us ♪ ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 12x04 ♪ A Fistful of Meg Original Air Date on November 10, 2013

Announcer: We now return to Captain Central America.

(whirring, clanking)

It worked!

Gracias. What are my powers?

Oh, yeah. It's weird.

You're, like, really good at painting my living room.

Up, up, and get it done by Saturday.

We're having a party.

Hey, Brian. Can you come in here a sec?

Sure, Peter, what's up?

You're a well-read guy, right?

Well, I don't know. I guess when I read my Henry David, I tend to be pretty Thoreau.

Stewie: Shut up! Yeah, 'cause, you see, I been reading this novel about three guys, happen to be pigs, uh, that decide to build their own houses.

So, now, one of 'em builds his house out of straws.

Right? Now, how the hell do you build a house out of straws?

And-and three pigs living together?

Gay. You know? And so's the wolf.

He's chasing pigs and blowing everything in sight.

Peter, what are you doing?

I'm just getting ready for bed. What's wrong?

You're-you're naked. I'm-I'm right here.

Who cares? You're my dog.

Everybody gets naked in front of their dog.

Besides, you're always naked, except for when Lois dresses you up in that rain gear.

Okay, everyone in the car!

We're going to Martha's Vineyard!

Do I have to wear this on the ferry? Yes, you do.

What about Peter?

Why-why doesn't he have to wear this crap?

Peter's in his crate.

I'm actually relieved.

The ferry would be overstimulating.

Mama!

What are you doing out of your box?

Hey, Megan. Oh, hey, guys.

Wait, did you just call me Megan?

That's your name, isn't it?

Actually, "Meg" is short for something else.

Peter, would you give this to the nurse?

Uh-huh.

(Peter giggles)

♪ Robots in disguise.

Hey, did you guys hear about that new kid?

The emo Muslim?

(sighs)

(depressed): Death to America.

No, this other guy, Mike Pulaski.

He's a complete psycho.

I heard he knifed a kid on the playground, then beat up the knife.

I heard he can watch Friday Night Lights without crying.

I heard the volleyball team's playing a tournament in San Diego.

There's a lot of exciting stuff going on.

(rock music playing)

Man, he looks mean.

You're very judgmental lately.

I don't like this Brandon.

The best way to disarm a bully is to befriend him.

Watch and learn.

Hey, what's up, my main man?

Listen, if you ever need the scoop on the local babe scene, just ask.

Yeah, I'll do that.

(squeaking like a balloon)

Awesome.

(water running)

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo, taking a shower ♪ ♪ Taking a little break to bite at the water... ♪

(chomping)

Ah!

Oh, hey, Brian. Don't worry, there's no blade in the razor 'cause I'm learning.

Peter, what the hell?! What? What's the matter?

What do you mean what's the matter? You're completely naked!

I told you I'm not comfortable with that!

Brian, I can get nude whenever I want, all right?

This is my home, and a man's home is his castle.

Peter: Halt, wench!

State your business.

Peter, will you please put down the drawbridge?

I got a car full of groceries.

Hmm. Anything else? (sighs)

I also went to the video store and got Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties.

Hey, you guys want to sleep over this weekend?

My moms are going out of town to a scrapbooking-clambake retreat.

What are they gonna do there?

They'll just be scissoring stuff and eating clams all weekend.

Sure, sounds grea...

(descending whistle)

(explosion)

(students gasp)

(dramatic, horror-movie music playing)

(in slow motion): Oh... fudge.

Jean Shepherd: Only I didn't say "fudge."

I said (bleep).

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

What's your name, dude?

Chris: Meg Griffin!

3:00, Friday.

I will destroy you.

Chris, you have my back, right?

I don't know. Let me check.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm gonna need it for the fight.

Announcer: We now return to the Kentucky Derby, where 90% of the audience roots for the horse with the cutest name.

(bell sounds)

Race Announcer: And they're off!

It's Battle Axe, followed by Redbeard, followed by Bishop, followed by Smiling Pink Bear!

Oh, my God, that's my horse!

And on the outside, here comes Tiny Kitten Kisses!

No, no, that one!

And here comes it's Bedtime!

Oh, I do not like him.

(crying)

Meg, what's wrong?

Some psycho just transferred to my school, and he's going to kill me!

(wailing)

Boy, she must really be PBS-ing, right?

What?

I mean, it's like, pop a couple of tampons, you know?

Stewie, do you even know what a menstrual cycle is?

Uh, yeah, Brian.

(honking, squeaking)

It a good way to get around town, that's what it is.

Oh, good, you're alone.

Hey, Lois. Why are you wearing a robe?

Well, I heard about how Peter's making you see him naked lately, so I thought the only way to get even is for you to see me naked.

Wh... Really? Yeah.

It only seems fair.

You know what, that makes sense to me. I mean...

All right, here we go.

(shouts)

(laughs)

You thought you were gonna see my wife's pen1s, but, no, it's mine!

(laughs) You idiot!

Principal Shepherd: Good morning, students.

This is Principal Shepherd with the morning announcements.

Remember that all wagers on Friday's Meg Griffin slaughter must be on my desk by Thursday.

Also, Zack Morris, if you could stop freezing time to talk to the camera, the day would go a lot faster.

Oh, my God, you guys, what am I gonna do?

That psycho is going to kill me.

Meg, you've got to find a way out of this fight.

Yeah, Meg. You can do it. You're a smart woman, and women can do anything nowadays.

I guess you're right.

It's not like it's the 1950s.

So I see you graduated number one in your class from Princeton. That's right.

And I'm certified as an accountant and also have a law degree.

That's all very impressive.

We'll keep you in mind.

Let's see, Pointy Boobs, Medium-Pointy Boobs, Not-So-Pointy Boobs.

That's a shame.

Hey, Mom, I need to transfer to a different school.

Meg, we've been over this. Just because a Facebook page has over 2,000 likes doesn't mean you have to kill yourself.

I-It's not that. Mom, please?

There's other schools.

Carlisle Academy leads the state in teen pregnancies.

So... I might meet somebody.

Meg, Carlisle Academy's a private school.

We can't afford it.

Don't you remember how much money your father wasted so he could make grand staircase entrances?

(doorbell rings)

Hey, is Peter here?

(sighs) Hang on.

Peter!

(Southern accent): Why, Glenn Quagmire.

It's been 10 years if it's been a day.

(grand orchestral theme plays)

I figured out how to get out of this fight.

All I have to do is get expelled.

That s*x tape I released should be everywhere by now, and then they'll have to kick me out of the school.

Come on! Really?

(beep)

(gasps) Ooh.

You know what?

Good for her.

Hey, guys, you four are pretty much the toughest guys in school, right?

What would it take to get you to beat up Mike Pulaski?

Mental Mike? Are you kidding?

Come on, guys, I'll do anything.

I-I'll give you a Swallow Friday.

You mean a Follow Friday?

Oh...

I've been doing Twitter all wrong.

Okay, okay. I-I'll just pay you.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're looking at 1,000 bucks for something like that.

$1,000? All right.

But it's gonna be hard to get that kind of money.

I mean, I'm not Judge Judy.

Hi, I'm Judge Judy.

I get paid $45 million a year to yell at people who have nothing.

Now here's an ad about a fat-people disease you have.

Announcer: We now return to B.E.T. E.T.

Don't you need to phone home?

Nah, I do it later.

(doorbell rings)

Brian Griffin?

Uh, yeah, that's me.

Here you go.

Aah! Oh, God!

(laughs) What's in the box, Brian?

(laughs) I got you good!

I don't feel right. I want it back.

What's going on?

Did that kid from the future come back?

(gasps)

Oh, no!

(crying)

Meg, are you okay?

(sniffles) You guys, I've tried everything, but it's hopeless!

He's going to kill me.

I can already picture my funeral.

(bagpipes playing)

Thanks. Didn't want to pay for the hole.

This is such a nightmare!

At least I have you guys.

I don't know what I would do without you.

Yeah, uh, about that.

Listen, Meg, we decided that maybe it's best if you don't talk to us anymore.

Yeah, we could be targeted by association.

I don't want to get beaten up by a guy unless it's in a limo after prom.

So you're all gonna ditch me when I need you most?

Yeah, Meg, it's natural selection.

This is how it works in the wild.

Hey. Hey, how you doing? Hey there.

Hey. Nice spot, huh? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's great.

Especially 'cause of that thing over there.

You know what's in there? Corn.

Really? Wow. I could go for some corn.

(crackling)

(laughs)

You're dark, Rog.

I don't care.

Good luck, Meg.

Now we must retreat into the shadows.

(wind whistling, bell tinkling)

(cries) What am I gonna do?

Quagmire: Sounds like you have a pretty big problem, Meg.

Huh?

Mr. Quagmire?

What are you doing in here?

This is my base of operations.

Woman (over intercom): Mr. Quagmire, the girls' gym class will be in the showers in 20 minutes.

Thank you, Shirley.

She's been with me 12 years.

It's her birthday today.

Didn't get her anything. (groans)

So, I guess you heard about the fight, huh?

Oh, yeah, they're talking about it in all the girls' bathrooms.

I'm so dead.

No, you're not, because I'm gonna help you defeat Mike Pulaski.

You are?

That's right.

Be at my house first thing tomorrow morning, and we'll get started.

Wow, thanks, Mr. Quagmire.

Well, I better get home.

(horns tooting and whistles blowing)

What a good way to get around town.

Okay, Meg, you've got a bully problem, and I'm gonna help you.

But Mr. Quagmire, why would you want to help me?

Because I was once in your shoes, Meg.

I wasn't always the confident guy you see before you.

You see, I, too, was terrorized by a bully.

It was 1986, and the cola wars were at a frenzy.

I was sitting in the RC section of the cafeteria when Tracy Bellings approached.

Why aren't you drinking Coke, you dork?

Pepsi would also be acceptable!

It doesn't have to be a two-cola system!

RC is what keeps the big guys on their toes!

You know what "RC" stands for, don't you?

"Chicks Rule!"

Quagmire: She was dyslexic.

Anyway, that was the beginning of a long, abusive relationship.

It's one thing if you put your pen1s inside-out in the safety of your own bedroom, but to have it done in the cafeteria...

To this day, I can't have s*x with a woman against her will without thinking about rape.

And that's why I'm gonna help you, Meg.

I never faced my bully.

I don't want you to make the same mistake.

But how?

Over the years, I've tested the limits of the human body.

How much it can stuff in, swallow or choke on.

How a scrotum can be stretched into a makeshift sail if stranded at sea.

All this knowledge is gonna help you win your fight.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Quagmire.

I'll take any help I can get.

I haven't been this scared since my dad stopped showering for six months.

Great meatloaf, Mom.

Thanks, honey.

Peter: Hungry!

(flies buzzing) Hungry!

Pour food on my pile!

Okay, Peter, here you go.

Mmm. I will assimilate this new smell into the larger Borg of my smells.

Oh, by the way, Rupert, good news.

I pooped out your bow tie.

(gasps): Gaah!

Geez, what the hell, Brian?!

I can't take it anymore!

(knocking on door)

Peter: Message for Brian Griffin!

(groaning)

(grunts)

I lost my ass gambling. Have you seen it?

Leave me alone, you jerk!

Stewie, you got to help me.

Peter just won't let up with the nudity.

Well, you know how the fat man operates.

He won't stop unless he's stopped.

The only way you're going to end this is if you find a way to even the score.

You've got to be nude.

Stewie, I am nude.

I'm just covered with fur.

Well, shave it off.

Give him a taste of his own medicine.

Maybe you're right.

I mean, I got to do something.

This is just one of those things he won't let up with.

Like when he was guest hosting Inside the Actor's Studio.

Jeff Daniels, what is your favorite Care Bear?

I, uh, uh... I don't know any of the Care Bears.

Right, but if you had to pick one, who would be your favorite?

Well, like I said, I'm not really familiar..

You can just say the color. I know all the Care Bears.

I... I don't know. The blue one.

There's, like, 11 blue ones, Jeff.

Are you here to dick around, or you want to do Inside the Actor's Studio?

All right, Meg, the best way for you to focus your rage is if I wear the mask of the person who's bullied you every day of your life.

Now, when I give the word, I want you to come at me with everything you got.

Oh, hey, Meg. Hey, Peter.

You know, Peter, I'm glad I ran into you.

We really need to talk about Quagmire.

You got time for a beer?

I don't know. He's just so needy.

And I feel like he's jealous of our friendship.

You all right, Peter?

You seem a little quiet today.

I'm fine! Oh, okay, good.

Hey, Peter. Hey, Joe.

I'm glad you guys are here.

I've got terrible, gross medical news for Quagmire.

Maybe you can help me break it to him.

Mr. Quagmire, how am I supposed to beat a guy like Mike Pulaski?

He's massive!

He may be stronger than you, but you're grosser.

And you're gonna use that.

Your weird body can be a dangerous weapon if used properly. Okay.

Now, did you ever play old-school Nintendo?

No.

Well, then what we're about to do may seem strange, but just go with it.

(upbeat synthesizer video game music plays)

(electronic voice): Now, Meg, in order to get you into fighting shape, I want you to drink this glass of raw eggs.

I don't see any yolks.

Just drink it.

(phone ringing)

Brian: Hello?

Cynthia!

Oh, my God! So good to hear from you!

(door squeaks) Sure, I can talk.

I'm just sitting out here in the open.

(snickering)

My car? It's a Prius. (chuckles)

I wouldn't say I'm specifically a hero for driving one.

The heroes are the ones who come back from lraq and drive a Prius.

Gotcha!

(click)

Wha... what the hell?!

Brian: Hey!

You looking for me?

Oh, God, what the hell is that?!

What's wrong? You look uncomfortable.

Here, let me give you a hug.

Aah! Get away from me, you gremlin!

(whimpering)

Aah! No!

Why don't you rub my belly, pal?!

(whimpering, wailing)

Your skin is so loose and wrinkly!

It's like I'm just pushing around a plastic bag full of chicken bones!

Ugh! Why do you have so many nipples?

You gonna put your clothes on?! Yes! Yes! I swear!

You gonna keep 'em on?! Yes, I promise!

I'll never bother you again with my body!

(crying): Please, just make this stop!

Good.

Dad, can you give me a ride to the... ?

(screams)

What is that thing?!

Aah! Make it go away! (whimpering)

What's going on in here? (Peter whimpers, Chris cries Oh, my God, is that a (bleep) rat?!

Peter, hold it down, I'm getting the gun!

(clock ticking)

(bell rings, students converse indistinctly)

Hey, who you taking to Meg's funeral?

I'm taking Jill.

Ooh!

Wise guy, we're going as friends.

(crowd cheering)

All right, Meg, remember what I taught you.

Relax my throat and make eye contact?

No, no, the fighting stuff.

Um, listen, before we start, could you not hit me here because these are pretty sensitive? (groans)

(cheering)

He punched her pretty!

(crowd groans) Oh, he punched her ugly again.

All: Ah!

All: Aw!

All: Ah!

All: Aw!

All: Ah!

Boy: Just stop there!

All: Aw!

Punch Rocky Dennis!

It's okay, guys.

I'm at peace with what I'm all about.

(applause)

(cheering)

Meg, remember what I taught you.

Use the gross.

(crowd cheering)

You ready for more?

Are you?!

(all gasping)

Ugh!

Your kiss is definitely not on my list!

He's older.

(laughs) You missed!

Oh, what's the matter, Mike?

Can't punch a girl in the face?

You'd be surprised what my face can do to you!

(all groaning)

Ugh! What's your problem, dude?!

You've got major issues!

Oh, my God, she's crazy!

Did you hear the volleyball team lost in San Diego?

All right, you little bitch, it's time to end this thing!

Yeah, it is!

(yelling)

Oh, my gosh! Meg won!

(cheering)

Huh, not bad for a loser.

Thanks for your help, Mr. Quagmire.

I guess I get to die another day.

Meg, I got a feeling you're gonna be around for a real long time.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Meg: But I wasn't around for a long time.

A year later, my body reacted to a frozen hot dog, and I died of septic shock.

I became the public face of internal hot dog defrosting.

(groaning) Cold.

Well, it worked.

Thanks for your help, Stewie.

If I knew you were actually gonna do it, I wouldn't have suggested it.

You look like my foot that time Lois made my bath too hot.

Come on! It's not that bad.

My fur will grow back in about three months.

Well, I can't look at this for three months, so I've come up with a solution.

Put these on.

Stewie, I... Hold still.

(marker squeaking)

There you go.

You look good. You look really good.

Hi, Stewie, and... (gasps) Stewie?!

This is next week's story. Get there.