They Took My Thumbs

[ thunder crashing ] [ drilling, sawing ] [ electricity crackling ] lt's alive! [ laughs evilly ] [ evil laughter echoing ] This is where it will all start, and the first thing they run into -- spiders! How much did these cost? No, no, no! They're indigenous spiders! They're free! Okay, keep going. [ gasps ] Look at this, huh? Look at this lovely beam of light. Anything touches it, what could happen? Yah-ha-ha! Spear through the face! lt's the devil's magic! No, no, no, no. lt's just Nalumu over here. [ chuckles ] Okay, keep going. Oh, uh, anyway, this is the standard pit trap. Pretty straightforward -- mostly for ambience, shouldn't really fool anyone. [ chuckles ] Except for Hernando, apparently. Excuse me. Guys! [ chuckling ] Hernando finally went in. Ha ha! Knew that was coming. [ chuckles ] Not the brightest bulb. His sister knew a guy. Moving on. We talked about doing snakes up here, but, come on, seriously -- ''Ooh! Snakes!'' [ chuckling ] Who does that? This is way better. Try to cross, but be careful! Don't step on the wrong stone! lt hits me with a puff of air? No, no, no -- darts! Lots and lots of darts! Boo-boo-boo-bah-bah-bah! And we're gonna carve angry faces on the walls that look like they're spitting the darts! Like this -- puh! Angry. Puh! Puh-puh-puh-puh! lt's gonna be great. This may be my best work yet. How many darts you gonna put in there? Uh, 200? l mean, they come in a box of 100, so Each one connected to a floor plate? Huh? A weight mechanism, right? Connection coils to the wall. You said it -- ''the dart. The dart poison, and the dart-firing mechanism. l suppose 200 of those, too! Damn it, man! All l wanted were snakes! But -- B-B-B-B-B-But check this out. And is that our God just sitting there with no protection or covering or anything?! Hang on, hang on. Seemingly, seemingly. - Holy shit, man! But the altar has a weight trigger, so if you take the idol, down this goes, and then the whole place -- kaboom! Okay, but what if someone were to swap out the idol with something of equal weight? [ chuckles ] How would you know what the weight is without picking it up? l mean, have you ever guessed a jar of jelly beans, huh? ls that a 1 ,000 in there or 100,000? ''Nope! Way less!'' Probably 422 or something! [ laughing ] You can't know! [ gasps ] ls that a giant fucking boulder?! You bet your ass that's a giant fucking boulder! lt'll come rolling down and chase them! What if they don't run? Wouldn't you run? Besides, they'd be trapped inside when the boulder hit the entrance. What if they had a friend outside who could blast them out? Who's gonna think of that in advance?! ''Hey, maybe we should pack some explosives in case a giant fucking rolling boulder comes after me. '' l'm not sure about the boulder, all right? Okay, the boulder ties it all together! Okay, look, look. You liked what l did with that salt acid trap in Hamunaptra, Egypt, right? You loved it. And that skeleton organ that made the floor collapse in Astoria, Oregon? Trust me! This is my thing, dude! People will be talking about this one for years! All right. Let's give it a try, huh? Guys! We got the boulder! [ all cheering ] Oh-ho-ho! Well, l guess it's about that time to tell you boys why l was fired from the zoo. Well, l think if we can get just 15% more -- whoop! Oh! Oh, no!! - Move the train! - No, it'll kill him! The second we move this train, the pressure will be released, and his organs will rupture! Then don't move the train! [ guitar music plays ] Oh, hey, there, train man Train man He once was just a salesman But now he's a pain man Train man And here comes his wife and son lt's me. l'm still gonna be late to that meeting. Come to see what Daddy's become All right, listen [ crying ] His organs squished up by the subway But his work is never done There's no time for family fun He won't let being crushed by a train Derail his career Now in his winter years He's haunted by fears His professional success has left him empty So don't end up a train man Life's not a game, man Or you'll end up in pain, man But not from the train, man Don't blame the choo-choo For your boohoo Just 'cause your head was full of poo-poo [ birds chirping ] [ yawns ] [ sniffles ] Hmm, mmm. [ gasps ] Ooh! Ughh! Hmm. Ughh! [ humming ] [ gasps ] Oh. [ chuckling ] Yeah. Ooh. - Aah! - Aah! Aah! Aah! Ooh hoo hoo hoo! [ inhales deeply, sighs ] Ooh. [ sniffles, slurps ] Hmm. [ sighs ] [ giggles ] [ mid-tempo light-rock music playing ] Your kiss, your kiss is on my list. [ giggles ] Doing you up the butt -- that's on my list. lt's a beautiful day outside! Why don't you kids go swimming? No way! We're on level 25! lt's totally cool! What about sunshine? Sunshine's cool. Aw, mom. You don't even know what cool is! No, but l know someone who does! [ heavy-metal music plays ] A-A-A-All right!! ALL: Wild Man! Are you ready to get wild?! ALL: Yeah! l can't hear you! ALL: Yeah!! Then l'll meet you at the public pool! Yeah!! Ohhhh, yeah!! ALL: Wild Man! Remember, kids, Wild Man says never cross the street without looking both ways and using the crosswalk! Thanks, Wild Man! Ohhh, yeah!! Yeah!! Wild Man says drink six 8-ounce glasses of water -- or equivalent -- a day!! Yeah! A-All right, thanks Wild Man. Not so fast, kids! Wild Man says always wait one hour after application of sunscreen before entering the water! Yeah. That's not all that wild. Wild Man says no splashing! Wild Man observes the no running signs! Wild Man never dives in less than 12 feet of water! Wild Man always leaves at the first sign of pruning! Huah-yeah!! Huah-yeah!! Huah-yeah!! l want to go to bed. Want to see how the Wild Man brushes his teeth? Leave us alone! Wild Man over and out! And remember, Wild Man knows that marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman -- never two dudes! What are you talking about? Yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh- ye-e-e-e-e-e-ah! Yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh! Bring a sidekick to work day looks like a big success. So, um, do you know what this part of the arrow is called? Let's see. That's the shaft. Yeah, right, the shaft. And, uhl don't know. How about this part? Uh, that's the tip. That's the tip! Right. [ chuckles ] And what order would you polish these in? Well, l guess l would polish the shaft and then the tip. Damn right you would. Ow! Sorry. Oh, geez. Martian Manhunter's doing the invisible-sidekick thing again. Care for a soda, Martian Boyhunter? [ ice rattling ] Giving me the silent treatment again. [ chuckles ] Kids, right? So, you're the latest Aqualad, eh? There was another Aqualad before me? [ alarm bell ringing ] Yeah! Punch! [ squealing ] Kick! [ squealing ] Elbow! [ squealing ] Yeah! [ camera shutter clicks ] Wow! What happened to that Aqualad? [ inhales sharply ] Uh [ crying ] Oh, God, why?! Why?! Why is there no tartar sauce?! [ crying, munching ] Speedy, you better not. Shut up, Pigeon. This is gonna be awesome! [ scoffs ] And? With our J. L. A. surveillance technology, we can monitor anyone anywhere at any time. Hey! Ha ha! That's my my mom! Score! [ laughing ] Aah! You young heroes are so much more than mere sidekicks. You're the future of the Justice League of America. Mentoring your progress gives me an enormous amount of pride. [ all gasp ] Whoa! What the fuck?! [ laughing ] Give me those, you little shit stain! l am very, very disappointed in you, boy. Super-speed high five. Bye! Thanks for coming! We'll miss you guys! Study hard! Bye-bye! See you later! [ all screaming ] What happened? lt wasn't me! Martian Boyhunter did it! Ohhh! No! Stop! Aah! Come on! [ laughs evilly ] Douches. 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