Talent Show A Go-Go / The Love of a Father

HOST: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, zandowans and Radiatrix. And welcome to the 23rd Greater Gordovian Talent Search. [AUDIENCE CHEERING] I have a bad feeling about this. Tonight's contest is brought to you by the Lady zorga ruler of the Greater Gordovian principalities. Our lucky contestants will be vying for the ultimate grand prize a rare and valuable Gordovian Energy Crystal. AUDIENCE: Ooh. And it goes to the lucky winner who best entertains the Lady zorga. Wait till zorga the beast catches my act. That energy thingy is in the bag. I don't know, captain. zorga hasn't cracked a smile in 23 years. Oh, Your Highness, you are sure to win the crystal for Mars. And now, Professor Luger Von Mouser performing a delightful selection from Wagner. [NOTE PLAYS] [TAPPING] [zORGA BLOWS RASPBERRY] [VON MOUSER SCREAMING AND CREATURE ROARING] VON MOUSER: Oh, please! Not the tigress. [LAUGHING] Nice work, Loser Von Mouser. Pretty funny, huh? - You're still worried, aren't you? - A little. It seems Lady zorga didn't appreciate the last act. [GROWLS] Heh, heh, uh. Maybe our next contestant will fare better. So give it up for the Queen of Mars. [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] This ought to be good for a few cheap laughs. [BAND PLAYING "BLUES IN THE NIGHT"] [SINGING] My mama done told me When I was in pigtails My mama done told me Oh, oh A man's gonna sweet-talk And give you the big eye But when the sweet talk is done A man is a two-face A worrisome thing Who'll leave you to sing The blues in the night Now the rain is a-fallin' Hear the train a-callin' Whoo-ee My mama done told me Hear that lonesome whistle blow Across the trestle Whoo-ee My mama done told me A-hooey, a-hooey Oh, clickety-clack, and answering back The blues in the night From Natchez to Mobile From Memphis to St. Joe Wherever the four winds blow I been in some big towns And heard me some big talkin' But there is one thing that I know A man is a two-face A worrisome thing Who'll leave you to sing The blues in the night Ooh [MURMURING INDISTINCTLY] [STAMMERING] - What are you doing? - Before we left Earth I borrowed a little something from old I. Q. Hi. Borrowed? Don't you mean stole? Such accusatory verbiage. With this electromatic phase wave transducifier I can reach back in time to borrow the greatest singing voice of all time the velvet pipes of Tom Jones. All of this stealing is gonna lead to trouble. I'm not stealing nothing. We'll just swap voices temporarily. Now prepare for electro-magic. [KNOCKING ON DOOR] - Come in. - Mr. Jones, two minutes to curtain. - Oh, thanks. - It's working. [HUMMING] The fans are in for real treat tonight. [GROANS] [JONES HUMMING] - Success? - [IN JONES' VOICE] What's new, piggy cat? [GROANS] [IN DODGERS' VOICE] That's some strong tea. Sweet shades of Julie Andrews. My voice! MANAGER: You're on, Mr. Jones. And now, Duck Dodgers. [BAND PLAYING "IT'S NOT UNUSUAL"] [SINGING IN JONES' VOICE] It's not unusual to be loved by anyone It's not unusual to have fun with anyone But when I see you hanging about with anyone It's not unusual to see me cry I wanna die Aw. It's not unusual to go out at anytime [PURRING] But when I see you out and about It's such a crime If you should ever wanna be loved by anyone It's not unusual It happens every day No matter what you say You find it happens all the time And love will never do What you want it to Why can't this crazy love be mine? [GASPS] It's not unusual to be mad with anyone It's not unusual to be sad with anyone But if I ever find That you've changed at anytime It's not unusual To find out I'm in love with you Whoa, oh, oh Whoa, oh [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Check it out. What do you say, Lady zorga? Heh, heh, heh. Me like it. Duck Dodgers wins. Did you hear that, Cadet? The duck takes it all. I have the best voice in the galaxy. You have the best voice in the galaxy? Well, I guess I better not get too used to it. Let's just collect my richly deserved grand prize. Aah! Give to me large kiss. - Cadet, please advise. - I'm pretty sure it's time to start running. [BOTH SCREAMING] Come back to me, lovey duck. Quick, Cadet, into that broom closet. I think we gave zorga-zilla the slip. zORGA: zorga want personal performance. [BOTH SCREAM] AUDIENCE: We want Tom Jones. We want Tom Jones. - We want Tom Jones! - Well, I guess it's back to the coal mines. That's your cue. [AUDIENCE CHEERING] [SINGING IN DODGERS' VOICE] It's not unusual to be loved by anyone It's not unusual to have fun with anyone But when I see you hanging about with anyone It's not unusual to see me cry I wanna die We gotta find somewhere else to hide. - The garbage can. - Ha, ha, ha! Quick! Dive into that coffee cup. Ha, ha, ha! Nimble little behemoth, isn't she? You are mine, crooning duck. But I've got something you may like even better. A brownie. Chocolate. Fetch, Jenny Craig. Yummy! Yummy! You had an explosive brownie in your pocket? The cheese Danish would've taken her head off. [SINGING IN DODGERS' VOICE] Why can't this crazy love be mine? Ah, ha, ha, ha Maybe the Liberace Museum is still open. Time to swap voices again. But if I ever find That you've changed at anytime It's not unusual [SINGING IN NORMAL VOICE] To find out I'm in love with you Whoa, oh, oh Whoa, oh [CHEERING] Whoa, oh Whew. For a minute there, I started to sound like Daffy Duck. [IN NORMAL VOICE] It worked! I got my voice back. Time to collect this energy doodad and skedaddle. But first, you sing to me one more song. Eh, sorry, there. Show's over. Sing. [CHUCKLING] [SINGING] Three little maids from school are we Pert as a school girl well can be Filled to the brim with girlish glee Three little maids from school Class dismissed. [zORGA BLOWS RASPBERRY] Eep. Adios, pancreas. [DODGERS GRUNTING AND CREATURE ROARING] Biting! Ow, ow, oh! Mmm. Yummy. DODGERS: Hey, doc. Might I have one of your frozen treats? I haven't forgotten what happened the last time I told you you could have one of my delicious novelties. I found you sleeping on my couch covered in chocolate and ice-cream-bar wrappers. Empty boxes everywhere. I thought we weren't gonna bring that up anymore. I'm sorry, Dodgers, but you have forced me to do something drastic. - I've hidden my stash of frozen tasties. - No. You have no one to blame but yourself. From now on, you'll have to use the machines. Consider yourself uninvited to my summer cotillion. That was my last quarter, you stupid machine. No frosty confections for me. Unless I can find old I. Q. 's secret stash. Sweet Eskimo Pies. A frozen boy! Trapped in ice for 300 years. Believe it or not, kiddo, I know what you're going through. I know, as only I can know, to sleep perchance to dream. Aye, there's the rub. Fear not, my little icicle, I shall melt you from your frozen slumber. Prepare to be awakened. To breathe again. To feel the spring rain brace against thine gentle continence. You shall live again, my boy. What do you know, it worked. I'm a daddy. [GLASS SHATTERING] Sonny, you're alive. And I am your papa. Oh. Oh, my little wooden head, now we are family. All right, now, you go and play, while Papa cleans up this huge mess. [GROWLS] Kids can be so messy. Wow. A Susan B. Anthony dollar. Eldorado. I. Q. 's mother lode. Thanks, sonny. Daddy like it. [DODGERS SLURPING] There he goes, my little man. Already leaving the nest. Be free, my son. [ICE CRACKLES] I. Q. [OVER MONITOR]: Someone has stolen Earth's magnetic core. Fierce electrical storms, earthquakes, floods, and I can't get my parking card to work. It sounds pretty bad. We need you to investigate. The entire planet is counting on you. Don't let us-- Oh. [RUMBLING OVER MONITOR] Earthquake. Oof. You heard the man. Investigate. [THUNDER CRASHING] MARTIAN QUEEN: What kind of fiend would steal Mars' magnetic core? Someone with a giant refrigerator? You know, refrigerator magnets? Ha, ha, ha. Oh. I need real answers, not bad jokes about giant appliances. [RUMBLING] You must correct this cosmic disturbance before Mars is destroyed. I shall not fail you, my queen. [BEEPING] Captain Dodgers, I found something. Captain Dodgers? [SNORING] Captain Dodgers! What? I've tracked the magnetic signature to a tractor beam station between here and Mars. Now we'll see who's behind this whole magnetic caper. Eh, you might wanna. [LAUGHING] [SCREAMING] [SCREAMING] Help us, Dodgers. The Earth has been pulled out of orbit. And is on a collision course with Mars! I hope your homeowners insurance is paid up. Now we'll see who's behind all this. Ha! I knew it was you all along. It's almost always him. MARTIAN: Ah. Someone I can reason with. - Don't look now, but we've got company. Oh, no. It's Baby-Faced Moonbeam. I thought he was in cryosuspension. No, you guys are all crazy mixed up. That's Sonny. My little boy I found in the freezer and brought back to life? Sir, that's Baby-Faced Moonbeam. One of the most fiendish criminals the solar system has ever known. He was frozen 300 years ago for his crimes. And it seems you revived him to once again wreak havoc. Oh, I just know you're mistaken, because that's not the way I raised him. But, sir, don't you see? Excuse me, while I clear up this unfortunate misunderstanding. It looks like Earth and Mars are doomed. What would Dodgers do in a situation like this? Cry like a little girl. Hmm, well, you know, I'm afraid we may have to try a more scientific approach. Son, do you think I can talk to you? [SNARLS] I hope I'm not interrupting anything. It's just that, well, I've been hearing some nasty rumors and-- Just tell me their lies aren't true. You're still Daddy's little baby boy, aren't you? [GROWLS] Look! First off, I'm not a baby boy. I'm just vertically impaired. Secondly, I'm an evil criminal mastermind who holds dominion over all electromagnetic forces. [MOONBEAM CHUCKLING] And thirdly, you, in an idiotic display of emotional self-gratification have set loose an unholy terror upon the galaxy. And let's see, did I forget something? Oh, yes. I even tried to kill you. No. I am your father. [MOONBEAM LAUGHING] [YELLS] Cadet, if Moonbeam's power is pulling our planets out of orbit-- Then a sudden reversal of the magnetic polarity-- Should provide a rather large shock to his system. I like the way you think, Martian. [GRUNTING] Enough! I don't have time for this foolish squabble. I have worlds to destroy! Did I overdo it with the tough love? [YELLING] [LAUGHING] Initiating power shutdown. Reversing magnetic polarity. [LAUGHING] Huh? The orbit's stabilizing. He did it! - Yes! - Yes! Uh-oh. Too much power! Whoa! This generator station is approaching critical mass. Then go. Get back to your ship. You have performed honorably, Cadet. No! [SCREAMING] Evaporate. [YELLS] The Earth is back into its regular orbit. - Looks like we saved the day again, captain. - And Moonbeam? - No sign of him. - You know, Cadet for a minute, he wasn't just a diminutive madman with freakish powers over magnetic energy. For a minute, he was family. Father. [English - US -SDH]