The Voting of the Doomed

Cut to the Skool. The students are gathered in the auditorium for a pep rally. On the stage, mechanical cheerleaders cheer, occasionally sparking. A picture of the student president takes up the main view screen. A sign that says 'Skool spirit! Mandatory' hangs over the screen.

Robo Cheerleaders: Yay skool! Yay skool! Yay skool! Skool, skool, skool! Yay, yay, yay, skool! Yay, ahhh, skool! Yay skool! Yay skool! Yay skool! Skool, skool, skool! Yay, yay, yay, skool! Yay, ahhh, skool!

The main view screen shows footage of a marching band.

Announcer: And now a word from our student president!

A platform on ropes lowers down from the ceiling with the student president standing on it.

President: Isn't our skool just great?

Mary and Zootch clap half heartedly.

President: Our greatness is greater than all other greatnesses of all the other skools combined! And it's that greatness that makes us great!

The cheerleader bots shake their pompoms.

President: But I would like to say one thing, maybe, um, about the dirty bathrooms, they...

The student president wigs out and grips her head. An alarm blares. Administration droids emerge from the ceiling and fly over the crowd. Flashing red lights lower from the ceiling. The Letter M glances around. A skool guard pops out of the crowd, sending some kids flying into the air. Two more guards lower down on ropes. An armored guard leaps on stage, knocking a cheerleader bot out of the way as he goes. The skool president lies on the ground pounding the floor. The four guards converge around the skool president. They grab her and lift her up as another drops a smoke bomb. The smoke quickly disappears, but the guards are still standing there. They skitter away to the side.

Administration droid: Do not be alarmed. The student president has experienced a failure in spirit. A new election will be held immediately. Volunteers? Volunteer?

Zim: Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me!

Zim bursts out of the crowd.

Zim: Pick Zim! Zim is me! Zim is me!

Zim leaps towards the Administration droid. He hops up and down.

Zim: Zim shall rule! Pick Zim!

The administration droid lifts Krapp Ole out of the crowd and promptly drops him back.

Zim: Zim! Me! I am... ZIM!

The administrative droid examines Zim.

Administrative droid: Zim- Analysis: Moron. Suitable. Candidate 2 needed. Volunteers?

Dib: But Zim's criminally insane! That's not good!

The administrative droid examines Dib.

Administrative droid: Dib- Analysis: Annoying.

The administrative droid launches a metal clamp onto Dib's mouth. Dib tries to speak but it muffled.

Administrative droid: Volunteer?

Willy chews on one of his shoes. Willy laughs.

Willy: Shoe.

Willy is about to put the shoe back in his mouth when he notices the administrative droid is next to him.

Willy: Huh?

Administrative droid: Willy- Analysis: Leadership material.

We see Willy from the administrative droid's POV. The words WILLY = IDIOT are labeled under Willy. Willy smiles and makes a pleased grunt. Dib pops up, frantically trying to speak but muffled by the clamp. He slaps his forehead. Cut to the back of the skool. A sign on the skool reads 'MEET THE CANDIDATES.' Zim and Willy stand behind podiums. Ms. Bitters arrives in her desk (now fitted with tank wheels), wearing a cloak and flanked by administrative droids.

Ms. Bitters: The candidates will now speak. And then be quiet! And then I go away from you all.

Zim: As president, I will ensure that all mankind has its legs sawed off!

Logi examines his legs.

Logi: Hmmm... I don't know about that...

Zim: Heh. Huh. And, um, replaced with legs of pure gold!

The crowd begins to smile.

Zim: Yes! And I will grant you the power to fire lasers from your head!

The crowd cheers.

The Letter M: I like gold!

Morla: I like my head!

Dib slaps his forehead.

Dib: Oh, no! Zim's promising them anything!

The crowd cheers some more.

Ms. Bitters: Candidate 2! Be quick! I can only survive so long in the sun.

The hand Ms. Bitters uses to point at Willy begins to smoke. Willy groans, squishing his head between his arms.

Willy: I hope you like this!

Willy makes farting noises with his armpits and laughs. The crowd is unimpressed.

Dib: Willy's a drooling moron! As sole defender of Earth, I've got to do something!

Gaz (playing GS2): I wish Willy was my brother.

A skool guard tosses Zim into a small room. Cut to Willy's small room. Willy rocks in a chair with a bucket on his head, laughing. Dib peaks through a grate on the ceiling. The grate breaks off and Dib crashes into Willy.

Dib: Pardon me, but if you don't tackle the real issues, Zim is going to win the election and eradicate all human life!

Willy screams and tosses Dib and the grate off of him.

Willy: How did you get here!?! You a leprechaun!?!

Willy groans and flails his arms.

Dib: I offer my services as campaign manager. We'll be a team! Me as the incredible brains, and you as... Willy.

Willy: Yer after me gold! Err..

Dib: Is that a yes?

Willy grunts and nods.

Dib: Good. Let's talk about your new platform.

Dib pulls out some note cards and hands them, one by one, to Willy.

Dib: First, you promise to promote alien awareness. Second... Um, Willy?

Willy has the note cards stuck to his head. He grunts with joy. Cut to the skool hallways. The last few children enter the auditorium. Blam runs up to the auditorium but the door closes just before he makes it inside. Blam pounds on the door. Inside the auditorium, hovering spheres shine blue beams of light onto the crowd. Everyone in the crowd wears popularity-measuring devices on their heads. On stage, Zim and Willy walk up to their podiums. Willy grunts as he walks up. Ms. Bitters stands behind a booth. She presses a button on the booth and electro-shock device lower onto Zim and Willy's heads.

Zim: Hmm?

Willy laughs.

Ms. Bitters: Candidate's popularity will be measured by audience brain scan. A drop in popularity will result in a horrible electric shock.

Administrative droid: Debate now, or suffer!

Zim stands on the podium.

Zim: Citizens, you are all familiar with me and what I stand for. But only now can I reveal that if elected, I will ensure that every student is given a zombie wiener dog to do their bidding. Can my opponent say that?

Willy pokes the electro-shock device on his head and gets shocked. He laughs. Willy's popularity goes down on the popularity measuring devices on the heads of the kids in the crowd. Willy is shocked again. The administration droid flies over to Willy.

Administration droid: Time's up... now!

Willy is shocked again. The administration droid flies away.

Ms. Bitters: Now comes the awkward silence portion of the debate.

Zim and Willy silently stare out into the crowd. Zim pulls out a 'VOTE ZIM' sign and the crowd cheers. Zim's popularity level goes up and many of the children hold up supportive Zim signs. GIR (in doggy suit) hands out signs in the crowd.

Dib: This isn't going well.

Dib hears Jessica's cell phone ring. Jessica babbles into it. Dib snatches the cell phone and runs. Jessica falls to the ground and groans. Hiding around the side of the stage, Dib removes his popularity measuring head piece and then throws the cell phone to the ground, smashing it. Dib grabs the two pieces of the cell phone and runs on stage. Dib sticks half of the cell phone into Willy's ear.

Dib: Willy! Just repeat everything I say!

Ms. Bitters: Dib, what have I told you about jamming things into students' ears?

Dib scampers off.

Ms. Bitters: Candidate 2- begin the babbling.

Willy lifts up his note cards.

Willy: Duuuh?

From the side of the stage, Dib talks into his half of the cell phone.

Dib (into cell phone): If elected, I...

A high pitched noise is emitted from Willy's half of the phone. Willy screams and falls backwards. Dib adjusts his cell phone half.

Dib: Sorry! Volume...

Willy gets back up in front of his podium and waves.

Zim: The grotesque monster boy avoids the issues. Just what does he plan on doing about the size of Dib's giant head?

A hovering monitor screen with an image of Dib lowers down. Zim points to Dib's head with a pointer stick. The screen rises up again.

Zim: If I am elected, Dib's head will be removed and filled with salted nuts!

GIR flies through the air.

GIR: Salted nuts!

GIR lands at the front of the crowd and a stream of salted nuts spews from his head. The children cheer as they catch nuts in their mouths. Zim's popularity increases. Dib runs out of the auditorium through the side exit. Willy begins speaking very slowly.

Willy: Your promise is ridiculous!

The popularity meters on the heads of the children lower for Zim. WIlly groans.

Willy: What does it have to do with real issues?

Dib (into cell phone): If elected...

Willy: I promise to improve the terrible conditions at this skool, serve actual food for lunch, yeah food da food yeah!

The children cheer. Their popularity meters go up. GIR opens his mouth in glee. Zim gets shocked.

Willy: Also, Dib will finally be appreciated for the genius that he is!

Zim: Huh!?!

The children boo. They throw things at Willy. Willy catches a hotdog that was thrown at him and goes to eat it. A toilet crashes into his podium. Willy is shocked.

Dib (into cell phone): Da! I mean, I will give-

WIlly gets up, though he is smoking.

Willy: Give everyone laser beam eyes and shoes that make them invisible!

The popularity meters go up again. Morla and Smet fly through the air. Willy removes the cell phone from his ear.

Willy: Yeah! Willy! You like Willy! Yeeeah! And then we dance all day!

Willy leaps over the podium.

Willy: And no more skool! And, and, and, and stuff!

Dib: I didn't say that! Willy! Stop!

Willy: And you all be my friend, and you can go home and not learn no more!

The crowd cheers some more. Zim leaps in front of Willy.

Zim: Madness! That's- oh oh eh... You! I... I am Zim!

A floating monitor screen showing Zim and WIlly's approval ratings fluctuates. Cut to a hallway. Children walk towards the cafeteria, where a line has formed leading to the voting booth. Zim and Willy are behind the booth wearing ridiculously large headpieces labeled 'CANDIDATE 1' and 'CANDIDATE 2.' The skool guards flank the line to the booth, and Ms. Bitters sits in her desk near the booth. The students vote and leave one at a time. Willy squeals faintly as they vote.

Zim: Vote for Zim or I'll destroy you. Vote for Zim or I'll destroy you.

Dib: Ms. Bitters! Zim is threatening the voters! He's disqualified, right?

Ms. Bitters (to administrative droid): The child shrieks like a fruit bat!

The administrative droid flies over to Dib. Dib dodges the droid, but it comes up behind Dib and puts another clamp on Dib's mouth. Dib's attempts to speak are muffled. Gaz makes the final vote.

Administrative droid: Voting complete! Clear the ballet box!

A pair of hoses emerge from the voting booth and spray blasts of water. Dib ducks, but the children in line behind him are all knocked back by the water. They scream. The hoses retract.

Administrative droid: Calculating... The winner is-

The ballet box goes through the votes, showing the number of votes for each increase at great speeds. Zim leaps over the ballet box, leaving his headpiece behind.

Zim: Zim! My empire of doom begins now!

The cafeteria turns into a day dream landscape where humans bow to down to Zim, sitting on a throne made out of the skool. Irken guards stand near by.

Humans: Hail Zim! Hail Zim! (repeatedly)

Zim laughs evilly. Zim's throne morphs into a growling Ms. Bitters and the dream sequence ends.

Zim: Huh?

Administrative droid: The winner is... Willy!

The total scores show that Willy won, 550 to 263.

Administrative droid: Report to the principle's chamber immediately!

Dib tears the clamp off of his face.

Dib: Yes!

Two administrative droids carry Willy out of the cafeteria.

Zim: No! Treachery! Lies! Ziiim!

Skool guards grab Zim and Dib. In the hallways, Zim and Dib stand on a hover platform with a skool guard escort. In front of them, the two administrative droids carry Willy.

Zim: Zim, loose? Impossible! This is your fault, Dib! And you shall pay!

Dib: Face it, Zim! I beat you! And as Willy's campaign manager, victory will be sweet!

Willy grunts happily. Willy, Zim, and Dib are all tossed into the principle's chamber. The principle remains a shadow. Sitting at a table with him are several cloaked figures who also cannot be seen. The principle holds a rodent of some kind, who in turn holds a small toy. The principle strokes his pet, who in turn strokes its toy.

Principle: Candidate 2, you won't disappoint us like your predecessor! You will obey! You won't complain about nasty toilets!

Cloaked figure: Well, they are kind of nasty...

Principle: Silence!

The rodent drops its toy.

Principle: Now, Willy, as student president, fulfill your destiny!

The rodent's eyes become watery.

Willy: Duhhhh... okay!

A laser emerges from the ceiling and points itself at Willy's head.

Willy: Awwwooohhh?

Dib and Zim make confused noises as the laser begins to glow. They run out screaming. Light pours out from the door behind them. Willy bursts out, glowing. Willy now sounds British.

Willy: Chip, chip. Greetings, fellow students! Isn't skool just smashing? Tally on and chippy ho!

The children in the hallway cheer. Cut to the auditorium during another pep rally. The children all cheer. Nub Bubbins (the human, not the alien) is thrown into the air repeatedly. Willy stands on stage.

Willy: Our skool is great, and it's that greatness that makes us great! And we've got the finest toilets ever made!

Zim walks up to Dib, whose eyes are tightly shut.

Zim: Earth-smell, by the look on your face I can see you didn't intend to spare me from this horrible fate! And that makes it funny! Thank you, human, for helping Zim! Reward the child, GIR!

GIR stands nearby, in his dog suit.

GIR: Salted nuts!

GIR's head opens up and nuts spew out. Dib runs over to Zim.

Dib: I hate you.

Gaz eats nuts by the handful straight from GIR's open head.