Cranius Maximus

(Scene opens up showing the Flynn-Fletcher house)

(In Candace's room)

Candace: I've got a feeling that today is the day. Even as we speak, my brothers are planning something dangerous, disguised as playing cards!

(Scene shifts to the backyard.)

Isabella: Well I'm out.

Phineas: Me too.

Buford: (Laughs) Losers.

Baljeet: (enters the backyard) Sorry, I'm late.

Phineas: That's okay. (at Ferb) Deal him in, Ferb.

Buford: Who came up with cards anyway?

Baljeet: They were invented by ancient Babylonian traders and merchants.

Ferb: (while shuffling the cards) Actually, the Babylonians had defunct as a distinct culture for millennium prior to the introduction of playing cards in India.

Baljeet: (Gasps) That is right! Three months of summer vacation and I am losing my edge!

Buford: Has it only been three months? 'Cause I've been adding up all of the things we built this summer, and we're way over 150!

Baljeet: Oh! My brain is atrophied! It needs exercise!

Phineas: Gang, I know what we're gonna do today!

Buford: And Perry?

Phineas: Who knows?

(scene switches at Flynn-Fletcher Antiques)

Lawrence: And here, we have a marvel 16th century wardrobe. We have one just like this when I was a schoolboy. And inside it was another land filled with magical woodland creatures.

Woman: Ohhh hohoho. You English and your fantasy worlds.

Lawrence: Ahahah. Can I show you some tables...

(Lawrence and the woman walks then Perry opens the box and grab his fedora and enters in the wardrobe. The wardrobe has some trees and snowing inside his lair.)

Major Monogram: Hello Agent P, sorry about the trees they were leftovers from Christmas and we didn't have anywhere else to store 'em. Oh, and uh, also the air-conditioning system is on the fritz, so pardon all the frost. All over the Tri-State Area, keys are disappearing. Businesses can't open, the freeways have ground to a halt, citizens are locked out of their homes, and I, for one, would really like to get into the executive washroom. It's got a waterfall, you know you wave your hand to the water just sort of-... well it's...it's really cool. Stop Doofenshmirtz! Quickly!

(Perry then leaves)

(scene switches at the Flynn-Fletcher backyard. Baljeet comes inside carrying 2 X-rays)

Baljeet: Look at this! (he shows a X-ray of a brain) This is my brain during the school year... (He then shows the other X-ray) And this is my brain now!

Isabella: They look just the same.

Baljeet: I know! But it took me three minutes to remember how to give my self a CAT scan! I am slipping!

Phineas: Not to worry, Baljeet. We've done a bit of cerebro-stimulatory haberdashery since you left.

Baljeet: Huh?

Buford: We made a hat for your brain, slowly. (at Isabella) Boy, he is slippin'.

Phineas: Try it on!

Baljeet: What does it do?

Phineas: Hold on. (Phineas then switch a control box) It stimulates your brain.

Baljeet: Oh my.

(Switch to Candace in her room)

Candace: (in her room) An electrical bike helmet? Lame! (she then lie down in bed then dials in her phone) Hey Stacy, you still wanna go to the pool?

Phineas: So Baljeet, how many sub-atomic particles do you suppose...are in that dandelion?

Baljeet: (goes over to the dandelion and picks it) Hmm... (drawing on the fence) Two point seven-three-two times ten to the twenty-sixth power of particles. But I could not tell you the exact location of any of them because of the Heisenberg uncertainty principle.

Phineas: Seems like it works.

(At D.E.I.)

Doofenshmirtz: Bow, chicka, bow-wow! That's what my baby says! Mow-mow-mow! And a something something --

(Perry jumps through the closet, making Doofenshmirtz fall back)

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus? You know, you could've waited till I put my pants on, that would've...least been polite. And do you know what we do to rude people around here? (presses remote, trapping Perry in a capsule) We put them in a water-soluble capsule. Ha ha! And there's not enough platypus spit in the world to get you out of it. Yeah, hop this way, let me show you what I've been up to.

(Perry follows Doofenshmirtz into a room filled with keys)

Doofenshmirtz: Keys, keys, keys! Master keys, skeleton keys, latch keys, skate keys, I love keys! And you know, take it from me, (on the roof) once you've accidentally locked yourself in a milk can full of cockroaches for a couple of hours, you'll—you'll develop a real appreciation. But uh, collecting keys one at a time takes forever! That's why I've invented: THE KEY-FIND-INATOR! Or the Find-a-Key-inator! I -- I haven't quite figured out what I want to call it. Cool, huh? Soon, I will be able to open any door in the Tri-State Area, it's -- it's brilliant. Uh, but my key chain is enormous. And—and it weighs a ton and everyone can hear me coming. What I really need is one key that opens everything! The Key to the City! My pompous brother, the mayor, is always handing it out to some yokel of dubious qualifications. Well, today, it's going to be this yokel of dubious qualifications.

(Back in the backyard)

Phineas: Wow, look at him go.

Isabella: He's like a new man!

Buford: Ah, he still gets de-pansed one leg at a time.

Baljeet: This is great! With my stimulated brain, I am dreaming up all sorts of super smart projects!

Phineas: Great!

Isabella: Picked out a favorite?

Baljeet: I have! You see, the greatest impediment to making astronomical observations, is our atmosphere. It is like looking through pea soup! So to make our terrestrial telescopes more effective, I am going to take all of the Earth s atmosphere, and put it on the moon! (shows poster that shows what he's saying)

Phineas: Uh...

Isabella: I don't...um...

Buford: Sounds... suffocatey.

Baljeet: Aw, I will disintegrate that bridge when I come to it.

Isabella: But Baljeet, if the atmosphere is gone --

Baljeet: And it is so simple! I can use an ion coupling device to attract each atmospheric molecule to the second greatest gravity source, which in this case, is the moon, and after the initial impact...

Isabella: (At the camera) He is so hard-core!

Baljeet: ...the particles will bounce up into lunar orbit! Blue skies on the moon! Imagine that!

(As he talks, Baljeet begins to build a universal transfer tower)

Phineas: Hey, Baljeet? Can I talk to you for a second?

Baljeet: Of course! I will just use small words!

Phineas: So...uh, we were hoping we could talk you out of transferring the Earth's atmosphere to the moon.

Baljeet: On the eve of my greatest triumph? (starts fidgeting)

Phineas: Well, we were just thinking it would be sort of a hollow victory, you know, with everybody not being able to breathe anymore?

Baljeet: (stops fidgeting) Science marches on!

Phineas: Okay, thanks! Brain booster, in retrospect...not such a good idea.

Buford: I think Brain Boy's had enough stimulation for one day. (tries to touch the control unit but gets shocked) Ow! Hey, that hurts!

Baljeet: Yes! Yes, it does! This way my work will not be interrupted by creatures who cannot possibly understand it! Like raccoons, or people, for instance.

Isabella: I was so looking forward to Junior High.

Phineas: We're going to have to get into that tower. Any ideas?

(switches to D.E.I.)

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, so the, uh, Key to the City ceremony's not starting for a while so, uh...we got some...Oh, you know, I-I just realized that I'm...I'm wearing a white lab coat and I'm leaning back against a black tire. That's... (sighs) I think I might have to go change.

(In Baljeet's tower)

Phineas: (over monitor) Maybe we could each get a tool, and come at him from four different sides.

Isabella: (over monitor) Baljeet is way to smart to fall for a trick like that.

(continues under)

Baljeet: Plot all you want, I have my eye on you! No one will be able to stop me from stripping away the Earth's atmosphere! Oh, the things I will be able to see!

(outside, decoys of Phineas, Isabella, Ferb and Buford are in place of the real kids with a tape recorder)

Phineas recording: He was smart before, but now he's like a super genius!

Isabella recording: Maybe, we should try flattery to win him over.

Buford recording: Or, how 'bout a bribe?

Phineas recording: I don't think we could offer him anything that would satisfy his super intellect.

Isabella recording: Yeah, he's so amazingly smart, now.

(camera pans underground, revealing the real kids with jetpacks)

Phineas: All right, gang. This is our change to attack the Atmospheric Device.

Isabella: He's bound to notice that.

Phineas: Exactly!

Buford: This is just busy work, isn't it?

(Phineas peeks out of a manhole on the street, then he and the gang blast out on their jetpacks. Baljeet's camera spots them)

Baljeet: Jetpacks? I thought you were -- (picks up Isabella's decoy) Wood pulp effigies? Ha ha ha ha! Clever, but not clever enough!

(Song: "Big Brain")

(laughter)

Be careful where you tread

Baljeet: Ha!

You got me seein' red

I'm a mental thoroughbred

Baljeet: Huh?

All the secrets of the universe are in my head

You won't get very far, I want to see the stars

Maybe later on, I'll build a rocket to Mars

Now you're gonna feel the pain

'Cause you're taking on the big brain (Big brain, yeah!)

Taking on the big brain. (Big brain, yeah)

You're looking like you're dragging your cerebral feet

I know you're all mental midgets, so I'm gonna repeat

I'm using little words to make it plain

Ain't no taking on the big brain (big brain, yeah!)

(Oh) No hope of taking on the big brain (big brain, yeah!)

There's no use taking on the big brain (big brain, yeah!)

(Oh) I said you're taking on the big brain (big brain, yeah, yeah!)

He's a big brain (yeah)

(Baljeet manages to zap the kids, but they are obviously stuffed versions of themselves)

Baljeet: Aww! I got you in my tractor beam! (starts pushing buttons) Time to strip the atmosphere from our planet, and allow an unobstructed view of the cosmos!

(the Atmospheric Device starts to static, causing dark clouds to cover the sun and the scene to go all foggy like. The same dark clouds begin to cover the earth)

(Cut to Candace coming out the door in a swimsuit)

Candace: Danville Pool, Here I...

(she stops in place as she sees the Atmospheric Device, then dials the phone)

Candace: (sternly) Hello, Mom?

(cut to Linda at the bank, a man and woman behind her are sobbing)

Linda: Uh-huh? Uh-huh. That would count as dangerous. But I can't go anywhere until I find my keys.

(The scene gets more dark as we shift to D.E.I.)

Doofenshmirtz: Wow! Great mad scientist weather, isn't it, Perry the Platypus? It's so dramatic! Ooh, the ceremony should be starting now.

(shift to Roger)

Roger: And now, it is my pleasure to present the Key to the City to this great humanitarian and American.

(applause)

Recipient: Th-thank you, thank you. Um, you know, when I set out to reinvent the ball-peen hammer -- (inator ray hits the key) HEY!

(shift back to Doofenshmirtz as it starts to rain)

Doofenshmirtz: I've got it! I've got it! (at Perry) There, you see? I told you it was water solu -- (Perry's capsule melts and he punches him) OH!

(The fog over the earth begins to swirl and rise toward the moon)

Baljeet: Only a few more seconds to my greatest triumph! I wonder what I will do tomorrow.

Phineas: (over speaker) Attention, Baljeet! Prepare to surrender!

Baljeet: Ha ha ha ha! Surrender to whom? You are frozen!

Phineas: (over speaker) Are we?

(Scene zooms to the stuffed Phineas in the tractor beam)

Baljeet: That is not possible! Well, I mean, clearly, it is possible, but highly unlikely. Prepare to be --

Buford: SURPRISE! (pulls Baljeet's helmet off and sees his giant brain) OH! OH! Oh, that is SO GROSS! But it's kinda awesome.

(Baljeet's brain deflates)

Baljeet: Something is different. (at Buford) How did you get in here?

Phineas: We tunneled up through the base while you were busy with our jetpack decoys.

Baljeet: I do not understand.

Phineas: Well, remember when we all made those life-sized stuffed models of ourselves this morning?

Baljeet: No.

Ferb: It pays to show up on time.

Baljeet: I will get an alarm clock.

Electronic voice: Two minutes to atmospheric transfer.

Baljeet: Oh! It is too late! I do not understand the controls anymore!

Isabella: Didn't you build a fail-safe or something?

Baljeet: YES! Of course! It is right here, and the key is right on that hook! (notices there isn't a key and gasps)

(At D.E.I.)

Doofenshmirtz: Here it comes! Here it comes! (gets the key) Ha ha! I got it! At last, I, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, can open any door with this, the Key to the City—you know, I can't believe it's cartoonishly big. It's almost like it's not a real key, but just sort of, symbolic of a key. It's... (sees Perry) Hey, what are you doing?

(Perry sets the inator to "Returninate All Keys" and the inator begins to spit all the keys out. It self-destructs)

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, well, whatever, Perry the Platypus. (as Perry leaves) I got what I want! This giant, metal key that, when I think about it, is probably too big to fit into any of the keyholes that I would ever come across. Which makes me question the whole val -- (gets shocked by lightning)

(At the bank)

Linda: Oh, I'll just call the -- (her keys land in her hand, followed by the man and woman behind her) Oh, for goodness sake! They were in my hand the whole time!

(Back at the Atmospheric Device)

Electronic: Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four...

Baljeet: AAAAAHHHHH! WHERE IS THE KEY?! WHERE IS IT?!

(a key lands on the key rack)

Isabella: Is this it?

Baljeet: Yes!!

Electronic voice: ...three, two, one.

(Baljeet inserts the key into a lock and turns it)

Electronic voice: Atmospheric Transfer terminated.

Baljeet: (sighs)

(The Earth's transfer fog retreats and disappears, returning the scene to a nice sunny day)

Isabella: We should do something about that helmet, huh?

Buford: No! No, you should not! (he is wearing the helmet) I used my now vastly superior intellect to build the world's largest wedgie machine!

(Phineas, Ferb and Isabella take one step away from Baljeet)

Baljeet: Boy, you try to eliminate the atmosphere one time...

(Cut to Linda's car in the driveway, Candace runs up to her)

Candace: Mom! Mom! Backyard!

(Buford laughs loudly as Baljeet shudders and whimpers. Buford reaches toward Baljeet as if he was gonna wedgie him, but the wedgie machine grabs the Atmospheric Device and rockets into space with it, along with the helmet still connected to it, which is right on schedule for Linda and Candace to arrive in the backyard as Buford's brain deflates)

Candace: (With her eyes closed) Look!

Phineas: Hi, Mom!

Buford: Something is...different.

Candace: (opens her eyes) But there was a -- monstrous building here just a second ago!

Linda: Well, it pays to be on time. (at the kids) Who wants pie?

Phineas: I know I do!

Buford/Isabella/Baljeet: Oh, me!/Me, me, me!/Me, me, me!/Me!

(Perry enters the yard as Candace hangs her head in shame)

Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry.

(Perry chatters)

Candace: I'm going to get an alarm clock.

End Credits
(Song: "Big Brain")

You're looking like you're dragging your cerebral feet

I know you're all mental midgets, so I'm gonna repeat

I'm using little words to make it plain

Ain't no taking on the big brain (big brain, yeah!)

(Oh) No hope of taking on the big brain (big brain, yeah!)

There's no use taking on the big brain (big brain, yeah!)

(Oh) I said you're taking on the big brain (big brain, yeah, yeah!)

He's a big brain (yeah)