The Former Life of Brian

Stewie, you ready to go home?

About an hour ago. This party sucks.

What happened to your face?

I'm a kitty cat.

Stupid face painter's apparently never heard of Darth Maul.

This party's worse than a Mexican funeral.

Let's get out of here, Brian. That birthday party Spider-Man is eyeing me.

Hmm. Don't let me catch you.

Because I'll just wrap you up and eat you later.

Wait a minute. Hang on a second. Who's that?

That's Jared's mom. Her husband died in a wreck.

Really?

Wait, he was either wounded or killed. I don't remember.

Well, which is it? I can work with either.

No, he's dead, he's dead. Just like the Pink Panther.

What's wrong with him, doctor?

Well, it seems his lungs are completely filled...

...with Owens Corning fiberglass insulation.

What? Will he be okay?

No, he won't be okay.

One third of his body weight is Owens Corning fiberglass insulation.

Well, that's it.

But don't worry, he won't burn in hell...

...thanks to all that Owens Corning fiberglass insulation.

How about that magician, huh?

Yeah, he's great.

I love magicians.

I don't know why, but I've always found magic very sexy.

I'm a magician.

You are?

How long have you been doing magic?

Oh, long time.

I used to work with Doug Henning.

Wow.

Yeah. Wanna see my Doug Henning?

Welcome to the wonderful world of magic. Hope I don't get AIDS.

Oh, God. That is so my humor.

You know, my son's birthday party is next weekend.

Any chance I can hire you to do your act?

Absolutely. I think the magic's starting to happen already.

Brian, this is painful.

It's like listening to those foreign guys at the coffee shop, living in the U. S...

...almost long enough to sound American.

Oh, man. What a good bunch of partying at that discotheque.

They played one of my audience requests.

Way awesome. I myself drank like 5 liters of beer.

Any more and I would've ended up in hospital, man.

Oh, you said it, friend.

But I wanted to stay, because I almost had s*x on this girl.

Oh, yeah, but it was so expensive. Each drink was like six dollars forty.

And if I've done this right, then this is your card, Stewie.

Really, Brian? Card tricks? That's gonna close the deal with this woman?

Well, yeah, why not?

You need more than that.

You need an act. I'll be your assistant and we'll put on a whole big show.

Really?

We'll do all the tricks.

You can split me in half.

What?

Saw me in half.

I am still shaky on some of this stuff.

I guess I could use the help.

Great.

We'll get you a wand, a top hat and a cape.

You can use Peter's cape from last year's Halloween costume.

Hi, Brian. I'm Count Crotchula, the bulging vampire.

I'll bite your neck, but also, look how big I am down there.

The costume doesn't make any sense.

Don't stifle my creativity.

See that bulge down there, Brian? What is that? What is it?

Can't be my pointy teeth because those are all the way up here.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

Happy Halloween.

Okay, kids, it's time for the magic show.

How about a big round of applause for The Amazing Brian?

I can't believe I agreed to four costume changes.

Oh, who am I kidding? I insisted on it.

Brian, thanks so much for doing this.

Paul and I are so excited to see your act.

Oh, thank... Wait, what?

Paul, my boyfriend.

Paul, this is Brian.

Boyfrie... Oh, come on.

I paid $800 for all this crap. You have a boyfriend?

Yeah.

And I'm a great guy. I'm unemployed.

But that makes her feel useful.

I'm gonna fix him.

Our relationship will do fine on that basis.

If he had his sh1t together, I wouldn't be into it.

But I don't.

God, I am so sick of this crap.

Is this the show?

You know what? The hell with both of you. I'm out of here.

Are we doing this thing or what? Brian? Brian?

Well, this was a lot of effort for nothing.

Like trying to tell Matthew McConaughey how much he sucks.

You know, Matthew, I may not ever get another chance to say this...

...so I just wanna get this off my chest.

You are just awful.

You're one of the worst actors in the history of film.

And I think that you need to go away.

Oh, thanks, man. The truth is, I spend at least 90 percent of my year...

...going away, exploring exotic places, having s*x with my girlfriend...

...just doing sit-ups. And then counting money.

Money from terrible films I put out into the American populace...

...because they just love to see me doing what it is that I do.

You're not hearing me.

Dazed and Confused was the one thing that was passable. After that...

Oh, thanks, man. That launched my career.

After that, everything else was awful.

Contact, they didn't need you in that movie.

Could've done the movie without you.

I said the same thing.

They were like, " We need a good-looking guy with a great ass and tight abs...

...to provide some down-home enthusiasm in this picture. "

To counterbalance Jodie Foster.

They took her to be, uh, slightly cold, unapproachable, so they put me in there.

It didn't make sense.

Said the same thing about that Bill Murray elephant movie...

...but they were just like, "Oh, the audiences need you. " Heh, heh.

You make me physically sick to my stomach.

I wish you would get a heart attack.

I totally feel you, man. Truth of the matter is...

...I don't like my movies either, but they just keep offering me money.

I do it, I get to go around the world. I mean, did you see Sahara? Ha, ha.

That movie gave me an opportunity to take an Airstream across the country...

...and sell that picture one person at a time.

You suck donkey ass.

Hey, you can't prove that.

That was so humiliating.

Look at all the stuff I put myself through just to get laid.

Oh, don't worry. One day, you'll find your soul mate.

The sad thing is, I already did, years ago.

Tracy Flannigan.

She was the greatest girl I ever met, and I blew it.

You should look her up.

Am I boring you?

No, it's just... Long day.

Well, I suppose I could look her up. I wonder if she'd even wanna see me.

I wasn't exactly the nicest guy in the world.

And then in high school, I was violated sexually by my father.

It happened on numerous occasions. I was afraid to tell anyone...

...because I felt like somehow it was my fault.

So you do go all the way.

Well, here goes.

Uh, Tracy? Tracy Flannigan?

Oh, my God. Brian Griffin, is that you?

Uh, yeah. It's me.

And all he wants is to kiss you just one more time.

Wow, you sure look different than the last time I saw you.

Yeah. Haircut.

So to get out of here, I just make a left out of the driveway...

...and drive as fast as I can?

Wait, Brian.

I'm actually glad you found me.

There's someone I've wanted you to meet for a long time.

From the look of those toenails, I bet it's that little Lamasil monster.

Brian, this is Dylan.

He's your son.

Oh, no way.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

Gosh, this is a lovely home, Tracy.

That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.

I've wanted you to meet Dylan for a long time, Brian.

Well, Brian, a son. How about that?

My God, this is more uncomfortable than the goodbye in The Wizard of Oz.

Goodbye, Tin Man.

Goodbye, Dorothy.

Goodbye, Lion.

Goodbye, Dorothy.

And I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.

Oh, okay. That's kind of an odd thing to say.

Yeah, a weird comment in front of all of us.

Kind of thought this was a team effort.

Yeah.

Really glad I risked my life and everything.

Yeah, you're five minutes from gone, and you leave with that?

It's like cutting a huge fart then walking out of the room.

And that's how we'll remember you, as a big fart.

Goodbye, big fart.

So, Dylan, um...

Shouldn't you be in school?

I don't know.

It's Wednesday.

Up yours.

Nice kid. Now that I think about it...

...how can you possibly have a 13-year-old son...

...when you yourself are only 7.

Those are dog years.

That doesn't make any sense.

You know what? If you don't like it, go on the Internet and complain.

Oh, it was awful. That kid was a complete thug.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Boy, you dodged a bullet, not having to raise that kid.

Your life would've been more miserable than a widow...

...living in a downstairs apartment.

Achoo.

Quiet. Keep it down up there.

What did I just say? I'm calling the police.

I don't know, Brian. Don't you think you have a responsibility to your son?

Hey, Lois. I didn't even know I had a son until today.

Besides, it's not like Tracy ever asked for my help.

Yeah, seemed like they're all set.

She's done a fine job creating a child-friendly environment...

Great parenting.

I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.

You know what else is rewarding? Shutting your vag.

What?

What?

Dylan?

What are you doing here?

My mom wanted me to give you this.

"To Brian, from Tracy. He's your problem now.

P.S. Will you write me a letter of recommendation...

...for the University of Phoenix?"

No. No, I'm not gonna put myself on the line.

But, Dylan, my God.

Everybody, this handsome, muscular boy is Brian's son, Dylan.

Dylan is gonna be staying with us for a while.

Dylan, it's so nice to meet you.

Shut up, bitch.

Oh, he got you, Lois.

No, no. Tracy can't do this. She can't leave him here.

Well, we can't just turn him away, Brian. After all, he is family.

I don't know. Where's he gonna sleep?

He could sleep in Stewie's room. Would you like that, sweetie?

No, my pants just got shorter because I hated the idea.

And this is Chris. Chris, this is my son, Dylan.

Hi, Dylan.

All this stuff in here is mine now.

Oh, well...

...okay, but be careful opening the closet...

...because that's where the evil monkey lives.

Yay! I haven't been in my closet for years.

Boy, there is a lot of feces in here.

Something on your mind, son?

Shut up. You're just a fat, old b*st*rd.

Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the b*st*rd.

I hate you all. I didn't ask to be born.

If I had a gun, I would kill you all.

Did you hear that? Now we know what to get him for Christmas.

Oh, I love the holidays.

Brian, you have got to get Dylan under control.

He's terrorizing the whole family.

You wouldn't believe what he did to Meg yesterday.

He made her watch the other 178 hours of Monty Python stuff...

...that isn't funny or memorable.

I have a pet hedgehog named Zippy...

...and I shall walk her to town.

And each time my foot hits the ground, I shall say, "Boing, boing, boing. "

I'm a girl. I don't even like the good Monty Python sketches.

Don't worry, I got it under control, Lois.

I'm monitoring Dylan from here on Stewie's baby monitor.

Hey, Dylan? Hey, come on in here for a sec.

Stewie, why are you nude?

Just a little something I do once a week around here...

...called a naked tea party.

Got my teacup here. Now all I need is a tea bag.

That something that interests you?

You're weird. Yeah, and you're attractive.

Now take your f*cking pants off. I'm out of here.

Did you see that, Rupert?

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds, starring Stewie Griffin, huh?

Gee whiz.

Lois, is the air conditioning on?

I just woke up from a nap, and I feel drafty.

Peter, we don't have air conditioning.

Well, that's awful peculiar.

Oh, my God. Peter, look.

Oh, damn it, Dylan. What the hell?

Well, thank God I'm full of Play-Doh.

There we are.

That's it.

I'm telling Brian he has to rein Dylan in once and for all.

Hey, where is Brian, anyway?

Oh, thanks, Lois. Dylan put this paper bag on my head...

...and I could not figure out how to get it off.

That kid's a sociopath.

It's time you lay down the law with him.

I couldn't agree more.

I am gonna kick him out faster than NASA kicked out the Cocoa Puffs bird.

Okay, your physical exam was within range. You aced the flight simulator.

All that's left is the psychological screening.

Okay.

How do you feel about this?

Ah. Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore.

I'm just here to fly, sir.

All right, you know what? This isn't working out.

I don't care I'm you father, you don't care you're my son.

We don't have anything in common. It's best if you get out of this house.

Fine. I hate it here anyhow. Get out of my way.

My pot.

Your pot?

And then in chapter 28 of my novel...

...the other pilots finally trust the Japanese pilot...

...and let him into, um...

...their group.

Dude, that is an amazing story.

Hey, hey, what if, um, they were Korean pilots?

I'm not really looking for notes...

...but, you know, Dylan, I gotta tell you something.

I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were growing up.

Don't. Just don't...

If I had known having a son could be like this...

How dare you?

I didn't know.

You have no right. No right.

It wasn't my fault.

You weren't there for me.

Damn it, don't you think I wanted to be?

Shh. Shh. Shh. It's okay. It's okay.

Look, I know I wasn't there for you, man...

...for all those years, but that's gonna change.

It's gonna be different from now on.

I'm gonna make you into a better person, starting first thing tomorrow.

Just passing through. See anything you like, speak up.

Hey there, everybody.

Was somebody looking for a son with a bright new path to adulthood...

...and his very, very proud dad?

Oh, Dylan, you got a haircut. Aren't you handsome?

From now on, I plan on being a real father to Dylan.

And together, we are gonna turn his life around.

Right, champ?

You said it, Dad.

All right. You ready for school?

Yeah. Hey, can I drive today?

Oh, this kid. He's only 13.

I know. I was just kidding.

Oh, we got a young Adam Sandler here, I think, right?

Right?

Yes.

Bye, Mom.

Bye.

All right, kids. Have a good day at school.

Hey, Dylan. Have a great day at school.

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, knock-knock.

Who's there?

You're there.

I'll always be there, Dylan.

Hey. Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Danny Zuko.

Oh, come on.

The audition's not till 3. Don't jinx it.

You know, Brian, Dylan could have just carpooled with me and the kids.

Oh, Lois, uh, Dylan is very special to me, and...

Well, didn't you just get a ticket for running a red light?

Yeah, like six years ago. And I got that ticket...

...because I got distracted because you were leaning out the window...

...barking at a cow.

So you admit you ran the red light?

f*ck you.

Whoa, not the kind of language...

...I want Dylan exposed to. Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.

Crudely painted, not-so-funny plywood cutout folk art.

Crudely painted, not-so-funny plywood cutout folk art.

Crudely painted, not-so-funny plywood cutout folk art.

I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing...

...Tube Man Warehouse and Emporium.

As a result of a lawsuit, I am now in possession of hundreds of pallets...

...of crudely painted, not-so-funny plywood cutout folk art.

And it's just waiting to transform your uncut trash-strewn lawn...

...into a living canvas that tells passers-by:

"Hey, everyone. A real funny bugger lives here. "

Your neighbors will chuckle warmly. Motorists will slow down...

...when they cast their eyes on such favorites as: Ben & Jerry's-looking cow.

Black-silhouetted cowboy leaning on barn. And everybody's favorite: Fat woman tending to her garden in big polka-dotted bloomers.

Most of this stuff is priced to move, and until it does, it's a fire hazard.

So please come see me on Route 2 in Weekapaug.

Look for the Sort of Ben & Jerry's cow out front.

We interrupt to bring you grim news out of LaGuardia airport...

...where a 767 has been forced to make a crash landing.

I tell you, now that I'm a parent, I can't even watch stories like that.

I just think, you know, " Oh, my God, what if Dylan were on that plane?"

What...? Oh, my God, I don't know what I would do.

I don't know what I would do.

I understand, that'd be tough.

Oh, no. No, no, no, Quagmire, no. No, you do not understand.

Until you have a child... Until you have a child...

...you do not understand. Okay?

Jesus.

It's been like this all week.

Watch this. Hey, Brian. What would you do if Dylan fell out a window?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I don't even wanna think about that.

Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no.

Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire?

Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no.

Knock on wood, knock on wood.

Look, Brian, there's a difference...

...between being concerned and being overprotective.

Now, that's a dad talking. That is a dad talking, Quagmire.

You're right, you can't hold your kids back. It's like I say: You have to give your kids both roots and wings.

Brian, I wanna punch you in the dick right now.

Oh, that's Dylan's ring. Hey, bud, everything all right?

Really?

Well, how many library assistants did they pick?

One of four?

One of four.

Well, you know what?

Extra, extra, read all about it. Ice cream for Dylan tonight.

Peter, your dog has given me diabetes.

I'm telling you Joe, he's as annoying as mosquitoes in the summertime.

Can I come in there with you? There's light in there.

No, go away.

Can I please come in?

You have juice and I wanna sit in it.

Shoo, get lost.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, Chris, close the door. There's a...

Oh, it's much nicer in here. I'm gonna float around for a while...

...then stick my needle in your shoulder fat while you sleep.

I tell you, I wish that old hag of Brian's had never told him he had a kid.

Wait a minute, maybe that's the answer.

Get his mother to take him back.

How the hell am I supposed to do that?

She's an idiot redneck.

Tricking her should be easier than escaping from Canadian Alcatraz.

Can I go out through here?

Just be back by bedtime.

Okay.

Lunch is ready, everyone.

Whoa, Lois, Lois, this is white bread.

Yeah, so?

Don't we have any whole-grain stuff?

No, this was cheaper.

I just... I just... I don't want Dylan eating white bread.

There's nothing wrong with it. Our kids eat...

Lois, Lois, I do not want Dylan eating white bread.

Brian, I promise you, it's fine.

Lois, Lois, Lois.

I will decide what is best for my child.

Look, will you take it easy?

And... And I do not wanna have this conversation in front of my son.

Okay, you know what? That's it, Brian. Feed him whatever you want.

Tell you what. Go up to my jewelry box, take my gold jewelry.

Melt it down, make it into bread and feed him that.

That good enough? Gold bread good enough for your Dylan?

Hey, everybody. Look who's back to pick up her son.

This isn't The Price Is Right.

You said we were going to The Price Is Right.

Peter, what the hell is this?

What are you doing here?

Tracy wants Dylan back. Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy?

What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian?

Now Dylan can go back with his mom, and you can stop acting like a jackass.

So that's what this is all about.

I must say, you have been a little insufferable lately, Brian.

We just want the old you back. That's all.

All right. Okay, maybe I have been acting different lately, all right?

But that's only because I've truly connected...

...with the one bit of flesh and blood that I have on this earth.

And I have no intention of giving that up.

Who wants a half-and-half?

I'll throw my hat into that ring.

Wait a minute, Dad.

I think maybe I should go with her.

What? Dylan, why?

Look at her. She needs me. A lot more than you do.

But we were just starting to make a real connection.

Listen, I'll always be grateful to you for turning my life around.

But now thanks to you...

...I finally have a chance to transform my mom's life...

...in the same way you transformed mine.

Wow.

You know, I guess a dad couldn't ask for more than that.

I'm proud of you, Dylan.

My life will never be the same for knowing you.

Goodbye, and good luck.

Goodbye, Dad.

Come on, Mom. Let's go.

Bye. Thanks for coming.

I'm gonna miss that boy.

You know, I just finally figured it out.

She looks like a really hot Tim Russert. Right?

Right?

Yes.