Trial of Duck Dodgers / Big Bug Mamas

DODGERS: This is the universe. I work here in the 24th and-a-half century. That is, since I was thawed out after being accidentally frozen 351 years ago. Yep, Duck Dodgers, that's me. I joined Earth Galactic Protectorate and they gave my very own crew. Yes, sir, the Protectorate is a swell outfit. They protect Earth from Martian attacks and do lots of other good stuff. Except for today. Today, they plan to court-martial me and throw me in jail. [INDISTINCT CLAMORING] JUDGE: Order. Order. This court will come to order. Who brings the charges against this Protectorate officer? I do, Your Honor. Captain Star Johnson. I charge Duck Dodgers with gross incompetence and the dereliction of duty in fighting the Martians. [MURMURING] I call Dr. I. Q. Hi to the stand. Hey, doc, don't forget to mention my 60 hours of community service. You are the chief scientist for the Galactic Protectorate, are you not? I confess! I did it! I did it. Ahem. This trial isn't about you, it's about Dodgers. Oh, yes, of course. Uh. Funny how a guilty conscience plays tricks on the mind. Can you explain to the court your role in this affair? Well, I guess, in a way, I'm responsible for all of this. Not in any criminal respect. I mean that I revived Dodgers from a state of suspended animation. I was able to bring him back using the science of the 24th and-a-half century. Ain't the future great? After that I was able to secure him an appointment to star ship captain for the Protectorate. And what was your motive for this? Well, he's a great asset. His coming from the past provides us with a unique perspective. It's pretty standard sci-fi reasoning. What orders did you give Dodgers on June 23 of this year? Dodgers was assigned the important duty of moon patrol. Your Honor, as my first piece of evidence I would like to introduce the holo- projection records from this incident. Oh, Manfred, our love just cannot be. Shameless hussy. - Captain Dodgers? - Yo. Didn't I. Q. Hi tell us to be on the lookout for Martians? That he did. And I don't see any Martians. I just figured we could be, yeah, you know actively scanning space for enemy ships. Why don't you actively scan my personal bathroom for what's giving off that funky smell? - But, captain-- - That'll be all, cadet. - I'll give him a funky smell. - I can hear you. COMMANDER: Robot Centurion, is the fleet in position? Yes, commander. Safely hidden on the dark side of the moon. Peachy. Commander, we have detected a Protectorate spacecraft. What? [TOILET FLUSHING] [GASPING] What does he do in that bathroom? Engine noises? Why, there shouldn't be another ship for miles. Captain Dodgers. [STUTTERING] Find your center, honey-baked. Martians! Did you say something about Martians? No! Prepare for emergency evasion. - Fire the over thrusters. - Check. - Engage the super drive. - Super drive engaged. Deploy the. I think it's the yellow button. It's usually flashing. It makes the engine go whoosh. CENTURION: The enemy ship has been identified, commander. - It's Duck Dodgers. - Dodgers? Vaporize him. - Damage report. - I think I'm gonna be okay. Not you, stupid, the ship. Oh, the ship's messed up. [RUMBLING] Whoa! You can hack into the Earth's defensive shield with this computer doohickey, can't you? That would be against regu-- Regu-- That's a no-no. [RUMBLING] - I'm on it. We're in. - You're pretty good at this. Now slide over and watch a pro at work. Just a matter of pressing a few buttons. Quick. The Martians are right behind us. And the shield is ready to be energized now. You destroyed the shield. That means the Earth is doomed. That brings us to the next count. Duck Dodgers went AWOL during a full-scale Martian attack. [CLAMORING INDISTINCTLY] The only thing that spared us was a freak accident onboard the Martian ship. - I object! - On what grounds? On the grounds, sir, that I am that freak accident. What are you talking about? You will see when I present my glorious defense. I call my one and only surprise witness, the Martian Queen. I sure hope Dodgers knows what he's doing. COMMANDER: I present her excellence, the Queen of Mars. Thank you for honoring the universal court treaty of 2173, Your Highness. Please, take the witness stand. It sure looks like he knows what he's doing. So, my raven-haired beauty, please state your name for the court. I don't have raven hair. My hair is white as snow. Don't try and pull any of your Martian tricks. Identify yourself. I am the Queen of Mars. - Aha, I knew you look familiar. - You summoned me here, Captain Dodgers. Why, yes, I did. I sure hope he knows what he's doing. Your Highness, when I subpoenaed you to testify before this august body I requested a copy of the holo- recordings from your command ship. - Have you complied? - Yes, I have. Ladies and gentlemen, what you are about to see is a compilation of Protectorate and Martian holo-records that will reveal the truth. Cast your eyes on yonder view screen and prepare to be amazed. - That means the Earth is doomed. - Not while I'm on the job. Let's see. Maybe we've got some kind of special weapon. What's in the hold? Four hundred and seventy three thousand pounds of Russet Idaho Potatoes. - Potatoes. - Yeah, potatoes. - I guess the Earth really is doomed. - Maybe. But then again, maybe not. Meet me in the cargo hold. And don't forget your potato peeler. CENTURION: Commander, Earth is defenseless. Now is our time to strike. Excellent. We'll pummel their cities with our anti-matter rockets. - Bring the weapons online. - No. I mean, now is an excellent time for my robot brothers and I to go on strike. We haven't had a cost of living increase in years. First you destroy the Earth, then maybe we'll discuss having Sundays off. CENTURION: Power to the workers. How's Operation Spud going, cadet? Excellent. Keep peeling. Target the Earth cities. [BEEPING] Earth cities targeted. I'm closing in on the Martian ship. Are those potatoes ready, cadet? Last one. I'm only gonna get one pass at this. CADET: Trust your feelings, captain. No, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna use this expensive targeting computer. The weapons are ready, commander. On my command. I wish to savor this moment. Target in range. Fire! Fire! Yippee! Crud. And there you have it. Instead of destruction and mayhem delicious salty snacks rained from the heavens courtesy of your friendly neighborhood Duck Dodgers. [CROWD MURMURING] Order in the court! This trial is not over until I render my decision. And in the trial of Duck Dodgers, I find the defendant one hundred percent not guilty. [CHEERING] MARTIAN QUEEN: Salty snacks? Why didn't you tell me he was such a tactical genius? COMMANDER: Who knew? Dodgers, I don't know what to say. Maybe you are a great Protectorate space captain. Dodgers, I just got the bill for the planet-wide potato chip clean-up. You owe us It looks like you'll be working nights and weekends for the next 350 years. Well, there's nothing like job security. This may be the end. Sudden death is imminent. I can't remember a more dire situation. ANNOUNCER [ON SCREEN]: Bottom of the ninth, two outs and two men on base. Here's the windup and the pitch. COMPUTER: Receiving urgent SOS. What? Put it back! Put it back! Ha-ha-ha. Hey, kids. GOOzER:Our world has been invaded by a hostile life form intent on destroying all life on our planet. Rescue us from our terrible predicament. We implore you to do your duty as a Protectorate-- Boy, does he have the wrong number. - What was that? - Just a peanut butter commercial. That's funny. It sounded like an urgent SOS to me. Well, cadet, I believe you are sadly, sadly mistaken. COMPUTER: Receiving urgent SOS. Or maybe I was sadly, sadly mistaken. Cadet, I've landed on the planet's surface. Do you read me? Loud and clear, captain. DODGERS: Breathtaking. Yes, sir, a real honey of a place. [SQUISHING] All right, who forgot to clean up after Fido? The captain stepped in poo again. Ha-ha-ha. Yuck, these are new boots. There. - Hey, down here. - Yes, a honey of a place with-- Down here. We are the Goozers and we have summoned you here. Some of the most hideous, revolting, yucky, stinky, creepy, smelly pukey, nasty, grossenheimer, slug-like aliens. Did I mention they're sickening, ghastly, pustule-looking creatures? Captain, hadn't you better begin the operation? This will be a pleasure. Dodgers out. You don't understand. Come to papa, pus buckets. But we called you. Like shooting monkeys at the zoo. Yeehaw! Booger, 12 o'clock. There seems to be some misunderstanding. I know what you're thinking did he fire six shots or only five? Well, due to a previous head injury, I kind of lost track myself. So I've gotta ask you the question, do you feel lucky, punk? GOOzER: I'm sorry we had to tackle you, captain. Aah! Get them off me. You could've killed me, you evil alien invaders. Like, what did I ever do to you? What we've been trying to tell you is: [IN UNISON] We're not the evil invaders. We sent the distress signal. You know, you really should've said something before I started freezing everybody. - But we-- - Say, if you disgusting scum balls - aren't the invaders, then who is? - They are. They're the Catapoids. And they must be stopped before the sun sets. Now, let's not be too hasty, goo-boy. I'll handle this investigation personally. Hold on, girls, daddy's coming. Now to find Captain Dodgers. Everything's gonna be okay. Just stay cool. Sorry. Figure of speech. Excuse me, my fine pustule. But have you seen Captain Dodgers? Not since he confused us for the invaders and drove around like a maniac shooting at us with that stupid freeze ray, incapacitating most of us especially the women, the children, the elderly, the weak and the sick. And then he left us to clean up his mess so he could fraternize with the evil invaders. Ha-ha-ha. Good old Captain Dodgers. - Do you know where he is? - He's with them, the Catapoids. And he's in incredible danger. For at sunset they will turn. Turn? - Yeah, that doesn't sound good. - Hurry! You've got to do something before it's too late. - Too late? - Yes, too late. It's true we've only known each other for six and-a-half hours but I already feel a deep spiritual connection with you. By the way, what's your name? [SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE] Right. I'll just call you Cookie. Potatoes, carrots and onions. Now I know what a pot roast feels like. Great view. Say, this one's a little loose. Thanks. You are a naughty little minx, aren't you? [SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE] Mother warned me about girls like you. The captain's in troub-- Troub-- He's in for a world of hurt. What's this? More food. Thank you, my beauty. Each girl more lovely than the last. Step forward, my exotic beauty, for I am a gentle lover. Your breathtaking beauty intoxicates me. - Hello, sir. - You can talk. American! Of course I can, Captain Dodgers. Oh, my gosh. How'd you know my name? Sir, I'm the cadet. You are not going to believe this. You have the same name as my assistant. - Sir, it's just me. I'm wearing a wig. - Me too. Technically, it's a toupee. Very expensive from a nationally known hair association. Where'd you get yours? Well, I just made it a few minutes ago from some weeds I found out in the woods. Man, I got ripped off. I paid a thousand bucks for this thing. Captain, I think we've gotten a bit off track. - Do you remember the cadet? - Vaguely. - Try and picture him. - Okay. - Now picture me. - Got it. Do you notice any similarities? - Nope. Absolutely none. - Try a little harder. Concentrate. - Cadet? - Yes. You're a woman? No! This is just a stupid disguise! I put it on so I could sneak in and rescue you! Oh, but I don't wanna be rescued. I've decided to make a new life for myself here with these girls. But, sir, they're not really girls. Don't you think I can tell the difference between a real girl and an impostor? Yeah, but, well. Girls, take this homewrecker into custody. Time to switch to plan B. [CATAPOIDS SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE] I'll use this laughing gas to incapacitate those Catapoids and warn Captain Dodgers of his imminent demise. I don't understand. Captain Dodgers said he inspected the armory and everything was in tip-top shape. He never does his inspections! Oh, dear. Not exactly what I had in mind, but I still have to warn-- Ha, ha. Oh, my. The laughing gas is taking effect. Promise me you'll always be this sweet. [SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE] I am one lucky duck. Psst. Captain Dodgers, I'm here to warn you. - Warn me about what? - About the horrible Catapoids. The girls, they're not what they seem. They're. Ha-ha-ha. They're evil monsters. They're gonna. They're gonna. They're gonna rip. They're gonna rip you to shreds. And feast on your flesh. Ha-ha-ha. It's some kind of unholy ritual. [BOTH LAUGHING] If they're gonna do all that to me, what are they gonna do to you? Well, I suppose there'll be a lot of screaming and severe pain. Ha-ha-ha. Oh, and then the Protectorate will have to notify my mother. Hello, ladies. I'd better get out of here. [LAUGHS] You better run like the dickens. Ha-ha-ha. I guess it's time to pull out the heavy artillery. [CADET LAUGHING] This planet's sunsets are so lovely. I can't wait until we settle down and enjoy little moments like these all the time. [SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE] I just love baby-talk. [SNARLING] What say you give us a kiss? Come on, sweetheart, lay one on me. Wow, what a kisser! [RUMBLING FOOTSTEPS] Spit out that duck, you big ugly caterpillar, you. [SNICKERING] Forty-eight point two kilo miles. A new personal record. [LAUGHING] Bye-bye, buggy. [WEAPON CHARGING] I think you have my duck. [SIGHS] Aah! Monsters! Aah! ANNOUNCER: And the Chicago Androids have beaten the Transvarnians of Latnica. Oh, phooey. I must've fallen asleep and missed the end of the game. I just had the worst dream. There were these pretty girls who talked funny and they turned into these big, ugly caterpillar things that had stinky breath. Man, it was terrible. Don't worry, captain, it was just a bad dream. - And dreams can never hurt you. - That's good to hear. Because when I saw this ugly thing, I thought it might've been real. [English - US -SDH]