The Secret Life of Mr. Kipling

Wow, that smells good.

Which means Bertram didn't make it.

Jessie, why are you eating frog brain soup?

Geez, next time, make a sign!

It is a treat for Mister Kipling.

Since we got back from vacation, he has been having weird food cravings.

I noticed. Last night, he and Bertram were duking it out over the last of the schnitzel.

Ooh, soup! I'm starving.

No, no, don't! It's made with frog brains!

Hmm.

Not bad. Is that the lumpy stuff?

No, that is broccoli.

Oh, geez, dude! Next time, make a sign.

(GARGLING)

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

It feels like a party every day.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

But they keep on pulling me every which way.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

My whole world is changing, turning around.

They got me going crazy.

Yeah, they're shaking the ground.

But they took a chance on the new girl in town.

And I don't want to let them down, down, down.

Hey Jessie.

Hey Jessie.

It feels like a party every day.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie!

(ZURI CRYING)

What's wrong?

Millie the Mermaid died.

Oh, I thought something horrible happened.

(CRYING LOUDER)

Not that this isn't horrible.

Because it is.

She was accidentally stabbed by a swordfish.

It was no accident!

It was murder!

Chubby the Bear told me Millie owed money to Lenny the Loan Shark!

So something fishy was going on.

(LAUGHING)

It doesn't matter how Millie passed on.

The important thing is she's in a better place now.

You really think so?

Absolutely. She's selling seashells by that great seashore in the sky.

And peacefully picking a peck of pickled peppers.

Pickled peppers were Millie's favorite!

(GASPS)

Oh, no! Feelings! Tears! Must hide!

Bertram!

Rats!

I'll need your help planning Millie's funeral.

Fine, I'll meet you at the toilet in five minutes.

Excuse me?

I am not flushing Millie!

She should have a beautiful send-off.

Uh, I could do a reading from "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish".

That would be lovely.

Bertram, will you speak at the funeral?

Wouldn't you rather have Jessie do the speech?

Have you heard Jessie?

She would turn it into a sob-story about some ex-boyfriend who had her pay for a new transmission then dumped her.

Still paying off the credit card.

Thanks for ripping off that scab.

Please, Bertram?

(GROANS)

Please?

(GROANS)

(SCREAMING) Please?

Oh, all right.

Thank you.

Emma, you can be the undertaker.

I'll need you to prepare Millie's body.

With what? Tartar sauce?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Show some respect!

Jessie, something is wrong with Mister Kipling.

He has been extremely moody, lethargic, and his ankles are horribly swollen.

Sounds like Bertram with a tail.

And he has been sneaking out at night.

When I try to follow him, he hisses and snaps at me.

Still sounds like Bertram.

Maybe we can help you follow him.

We'll put a tail on that tail.

Mister Kipling and I never had secrets before.

I even told him when I broke a stool and fixed it with gum.

What? Which stool?

(SCREAMS)

Mystery solved. Oh, look, gum.

Ewe!

Aw!

(RAVI IMITATES SNORING)

The Calcutta Express has left the station.

Manhattan Meatball sighted on the western slope.

Would you stop with the silly code?

Where is the dang lizard?

Going down the stairs.

And you are taking all the fun out of staying up past 10:00.

Ravi: Look, he is sitting in that giant nest.

What is a giant nest doing on our terrace?

Obviously holding those giant eggs.

Wait.

Ravi, is it possible that those are Mister Kipling's eggs?

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Yeah, she's saying that Mister Kipling went to the store and bought some eggs.

Try and keep up.

So Mister Kipling is a..

Mrs. Kipling?

No, that cannot be.

Oh, it be.

So, who's the baby-daddy?

Unless I totally misunderstood that film in health class, there has to be a dude lizard involved.

Wait a minute!

Remember when we crash-landed in the jungle and Mister Kipling made a friend?

That friend must have been really friendly.

At least somebody had fun on that trip.

Ravi, do you realize what this means?

Yes, I am going to be a grandfather!

And I have been walking around in my tighty-whities in front of a girl!

At least you never took a bath with her.

(SCREAMING)

Thank you all for coming to the reading of Millie the Mermaid's will.

Please, sit down.

Shouldn't we get Luke and Ravi?

No. Millie wrote Luke out of her will, after he told her she looked like a manatee.

What did Ravi do to her?

Nothing. She just thought he was weird.

Well, yeah.

Fair enough.

She's not wrong.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"I, Millie the Mermaid, being of sound mind and tail,"

"do hereby bequeath to Jessie my second best coconut bra".

Why didn't I get her best bra?

Because she's going to be buried in it!

Rude.

Emma, Millie really wanted you to have this.

Aw, that was so sweet of Millie to leave me her..

Mmm-mmm.

Mmm-mmm.

Bracelet.

Wristwatch.

"And finally, to Bertram, who was always careful not to sit on me,"

"I leave the most precious thing of all".

"My beloved children".

What?

Millie was a mom?

I didn't even know she was married!

Millie kept it a secret.

The father was a centaur and the family did not approve.

You have to feed them, change their water, and get them to do their homework.

(SCOFFS) Good luck with that.

They have a three-second attention span.

That's two seconds longer than Luke.

Okay, according to this website, the lizard eggs should hatch any day now.

Oh, joy! I cannot wait to hear the pitter patter of 48 little claws!

And I can't wait to have my own private army of giant lizards.

Let them try to keep me in detention then.

Or maybe you could just behave.

(CHUCKLING)

Yeah, right.

(SHUSHING)

Did you hear that?

One of my grand babies is sneezing!

How can you hear one tiny sneeze over all this noise?

How could I not?

You will understand someday when you have children to take care of.

Awkward.

Who is sneezing? Is it you, Rikki?

Or you, Tikki? Or you, Tavi?

Jessie, what if they are sick?

Take their temperatures!

Eh, Okay.

Not quite sure where to stick the thermometer.

You know what?

Why don't we just take them to a vet?

Excellent notion. Until then, I will help Mrs. Kipling keep them warm.

Something's cracked around here, and it ain't those eggs.

Now remember, my little egglets, if you behave yourselves at the vet, you will get a mouse-flavored lollipop.

Look, there is Central Park, where one day you shall frolic.

Yeah. I can't wait to walk 12 lizards on leashes.

Yet another way to scare away men.

I shall hail us a cab.

(CAB PASSING)

Oh, cabbie!

Might we hire your conveyance?

Apparently, I am more invisible than Millie.

(WHISTLING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Yo, granny! Don't you take that cab!

(LOUD IMPACT)

(Jessie GRUNTS)

Jessie, do not fight that woman!

You do not know where she has been!

Joke's on you, granny!

The meter was running!

Let's see how she enjoys the rest of her day with only one shoe.

Um..

Where is the box with my grand babies?

I put it right there.

Okay, don't worry!

What do you mean, do not worry?

(YELLING IN HINDI)

(CAB APPROACHING)

Okay, so I know your grand kids are lost somewhere here on the mean streets of New York City.

On the bright side, you just hailed your first cab!

(HORN HONKS)

Emma, have you picked out a dress for Millie to wear at her funeral?

Uh, of course!

Which do you like?

This? Or this?

A pantsuit? For a mermaid?

Is that supposed to be funny?

I don't know any more.

I'm so confused.

The dress!

But let the seams out a bit.

She wasn't exactly "the little mermaid," if you know what I mean.

So, Bertram, how's the eulogy coming?

Oh, just great. Working away.

Hey! You're ordering your lunch!

This is a Sushi menu!

No, no, it's not.

It's the seating chart for the funeral.

See? I'm putting Tammy Tuna next to Yolanda Yellowtail.

If you're not going to take this seriously, don't bother to show up!

Okay, just have your delivery man get those eggs back here ASAP!

Those lizards happen to be the grandchildren of the ten year old I work for!

No, no, the 10-year-old is human.

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

Hello?

Hello?

Bertram, why is Zuri so upset?

We had a difference of opinion about the mermaid funeral.

She didn't think it was stupid and I did.

Bertram..

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Zuri letting go of Millie the Mermaid is really her way of saying goodbye to her imaginary friends?

When do I get to say goodbye to this conversation?

Okay, my point is..

Zuri is growing up, and I think we should all try and help her through this transition.

You're absolutely right.

You write the eulogy.

Bertram, I've got my hands full with the lizard eggs.

You deal with the dead mermaid!

Do you believe this is our lives?

I try not to think about it.

Thank the Gods!

You, Sir, are not fit to wear the uncomfortably tight shorts and noble insignia of the Speedy Delivery service!

You will get this back when you step up your game!

Cut him some slack.

You did lizard-nap his grand kids.

Here. Oh.

I guess lifting boxes does a body good.

Do not worry, egglets. You are back home now, safe and sound with your dadaji.

No!

Oh, great!

My lizard army just got scrambled!

I mean, uh..

There, there, Ravi.

What have I done?

I have killed my grand babies!

Mohandas, Padma, and..

Little Scooter!

Ravi! These aren't Kipling's eggs!

They were ready to hatch, so they wouldn't have yolks in them.

They would have baby lizards.

Then who is this?

I don't know.

This box was supposed to go to a place called "Ovum".

So Kipling's eggs must be there!

We better get there quick.

Ovum is a restaurant!

(GASPS)

(SCREAMING) No!

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

Where am I going?

Midtown.

(SCREAMING) No!

Excuse me. The grand opening of Ovum is by invitation only.

But these are Morgan and Christina Rosses' kids!

And I'm their nanny.

Really?

Why is Morgan and Christina Rosses' child covered in egg yolk?

I never said I was a good nanny.

Go! Shoo! No! Leave my restaurant.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Now what do we do?

Oh, why did I put all my eggs in one basket?

It was a box.

It was a metaphor!

Guys, I have an idea.

I know it'll work, because I've seen it done on every TV show ever made.

Attention everyone!

Welcome to Ovum, the world's first..

Egg-themed restaurant!

(RAVI SCREAMING)

(SHUSHING)

Okay, don't worry.

Stop! Every time you say "do not worry," something horrible happens.

I do not think "do not worry," means what you think it means!

Hey, you seem awfully young to be a waiter.

Uh, I'm in charge of the kids' meals.

Sanjay! Gupta! Kumar! Come to Grandpa!

I found one of the eggs! I got two.

Very good. Keep looking!

Okay. Mowgli, Sanjay, Gupta..

Slumdog, Kumar and Ravi Junior.

We are still missing six of my grand babies!

Okay, come on.

One amazing egg, one sizzling skillet, and one masterpiece, sunny-side up.

Scooter! No!

I'll save you, Ravi!

I hope my egg is not cracked.

Or my spine!

Good hands, bro. I've never seen you catch anything but a cold!

The egg is shaking!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

The miracle of life has just burst forth right in my hands!

Anybody got a Wet-Nap?

Aw, he has Mrs. Kipling's eyes!

(HISSES)

And her breath.

Who are you? Spies from Cafe Palais Poulet, trying to sabotage my opening?

Listen, we're really sorry.

Just let us collect our last few lizard eggs and we'll be on our way.

And I promise you, no more lizard births.

(CUSTOMERS EXCLAIMING)

Okay, no more lizard births starting now.

(SCREAMING)

Everyone has hatched except for Rikki and Tikki!

Where could they be?

(EXCLAIMING)

My grand debut is ruined! Ruined!

Listen, everybody!

Look, I know it's a little gross that a bunch of lizards are running around the restaurant, drizzling amniotic fluid all over your starter salads.

But what looks to you like a bunch of disgusting lizards is really our family.

And to this little boy, they're everything.

We've all just witnessed the wonder of new life!

So I know tonight probably isn't what you thought it would be, but..

In a way, isn't it better?

All: Nah!

Hey, everyone! Free appetizers!

(ALL CHEERING)

(PLAYING)

Thank you for bathing, Luke.

It really means a lot to Millie and me.

You're welcome.

I thought it would be disrespectful to smell worse than the deceased.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'd like to pay my respects.

Um.. Where exactly do I pay my respects?

Why don't you try the table with the body on it?

Of course.

You did a really great job.

Millie never looked better.

Thanks.

There was just one awkward moment when Zuri said I was applying lipstick to Millie's butt.

So I told her it was the latest style.

Remind me never to loan Zuri my lipstick.

Zuri, you have my sympathy.

But it is the circle of life.

With every imaginary death comes a reptilian birth.

Try stitching that on a pillow.

Oh, I did!

Millie would be so touched that you all came to her mermorial.

Especially you, Chubby the Bear.

I know you're afraid to come to the park during hunting season.

Millie was..

She was..

Oh, Millie!

Come back!

It'll be okay.

Bertram, I knew you'd come!

Praise be!

Millie the Mermaid was many things to us..

Mermaid, friend, mer-friend.

I think we can all agree that Millie was..

An excellent swimmer and a really fun gal.

It's true.

Whenever she came to my tea party, she made a splash.

But most of all, Millie was family.

Millie is survived by her three beautiful goldfish..

Cheddar, Extreme Cheddar..

And Cool Ranch.

She's also survived by her best friend in the whole world..

A little girl named Zuri Zenobia Ross..

Who I guess isn't a little girl any more.

Zuri might not be a little girl any more but Bertram is sure blubbering like one.

Mm-hum..

Bertram, that was beautiful.

Thank you.

You're welcome, it was an honor.

I'm definitely asking you to speak at Chubby's Bear-Mitzvah.

Then Ravi the magnificent defeated the evil chief, and saved the magical baby lizards.

The end.

I think it worked.

Well, almost being a main course, would tucker anyone out.

Sweet dreams Ravi.

Oh, wait Jessie.

Here is the babies feeding schedule..

Please take the midnight, 3:00 am, and 6:00 am shifts.

Hey wait, what shift are you taking?

None. I am a grandpa, I need my sleep.