The Extract Obliteration


 * Stephen Hawking: What does Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common? They both suck. Neener neener.


 * Leonard: Oh, hey. Haven’t heard from you in a couple days. You still mad at me?
 * Penny: Nope. I have no reason to… “B” mad at you. Minus.


 * (the scene in Penny's bedroom where Leonard is bringing Penny some breakfast on a tray. he bends down for a little bit to Penny's sleeping face)
 * Leonard: Good morning, sunshine.
 * (Leonard puts the breakfast tray on the bed next to Penny)
 * Penny: (she's not pleased to be woken up) Leonard. It’s eight a.m. It’s like the middle of the night.
 * Leonard: I know, but I have to go to work, and I made you breakfast.
 * Penny: Oh, wow, that’s so sweet. Hey, what’s this?
 * Leonard: Uh, before you open that, um, are you familiar with the story of The Shoemaker and the Elves?
 * Penny: Elves? (she's now very cross) Come on, Leonard. It’s too early for Lord of the Rings.
 * Leonard: No, no. Listen, um, once upon a time, there was this shoemaker and when he went to bed at night, elves would sneak in and they would make all these amazing shoes for him. And when the shoemaker woke up in the morning, he, he would be super happy, not mad at the elves at all. Open it.
 * Penny: Okay. An examination of the economic, cultural, and political roots of slavery in the Old South, 1619 to 1865. (she's asking Leonard crossly) What the hell is this?
 * Leonard: Don’t ask me. A little elf did it.
 * Penny: So let me get this straight. You just assumed my paper would be bad so you wrote one for me?
 * Leonard: No, I assumed it would be good. Then I read it.
 * Penny: (she shrieks at Leonard) What?
 * Leonard: No, I, I mean, it was good. There were just a few things that needed a little polishing.
 * Penny: You changed every word.
 * Leonard: That’s not true. Uh, slavery. 1619. Your name at the top. That’s all you.
 * Penny: (she's even more crosser) You are such an ass. This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you I was taking a class in the first place.
 * Leonard: Please don’t be upset. I just, (Penny sighs with anger) I didn’t want you ending up with a bad grade and get discouraged and give up on the idea of going back to school.
 * Penny: Right, because me being in school is so important to you. That way, you wouldn’t have to be dating someone who’s only a waitress.
 * (Penny now gets out of bed in such fury)
 * Leonard: Oh, come on, you know that's not true.
 * Penny: (she shouts at Leonard) Do I? Listen to me. I need to do this on my own. If I fail, I fail. Do you get it?
 * Leonard: I'm sorry. I was just trying to help.
 * Penny: (she is still completely angry) Yeah, well, next time don’t. (she slams the bathroom door and reopens it to lose her final angry pieces at Leonard) Oh! and since you like stories so much, (Leonard reacts at Penny shouting) this is not The Shoemaker and the Elves, okay? (scene of Penny still shouting with huge anger) This is, give a man a fish, he eats it. Teach a man to fish, he, sells it or something. Whatever, I don’t know, it’s just a lot better than what you did, you big jerk!
 * (Penny storms into the bathroom. Leonard reacts at the sound of door slamming in his face and he now thinks for a little bit)


 * Sheldon: Good lord. What have I done?
 * Raj: (In an American accent) Good lord. What have I done?
 * Howard: Terrible.


 * Leonard: (Puts chess time out of the box) Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Chess clock. We each get five minutes to talk about out problems. We'll take turns. (Places chess timer in the table) Each turn will consist of a statement and a helpful response from a friend. (Presses button) Begin
 * Sheldon: I humiliated Stephen Hawking in a game of "Words with Friends". He stopped playing, and now we're not friends anymore.
 * Leonard: He's probably busy. You're worried about nothing. Give it a couple more days. I'm sure he'll play, and you'll see that everything's fine. (Presses button) My turn. I can't let Penny hand in a bad paper, but how do I tell her it's bad without letting her know that I read it?
 * Sheldon: Hmm. Beats me.(Presses button) Now, I know Hawking's not busy because I can see he's playing other people right now.
 * Leonard: Maybe since you're so good, he's taking his time to meet the challenge. (Presses button) I want Penny to enjoy school...
 * Sheldon: (Presses button) Wolowitz told me he's a big baby. But I didn't know that, and I played "Extract" for 82 points. It's all Amy's fault. She told me to play it. I have to cut her loose.
 * Leonard: Sheldon, I wasn't done talking. (Presses button) She hands in the paper tomorrow. I know I could help her. And she's my girlfriend; I should be allowed to help her. Why aren't I allowed to help her?
 * Sheldon: Yeah, I hear you, brother. (Presses button)
 * Leonard: No. (Presses button) You need to give me some advice.
 * Sheldon: Fine. Women, huh? (Presses button)
 * Leonard: (Presses button) Specific to my situation.
 * Sheldon: Blonde women, huh? (Presses button)
 * Leonard: (Presses button) Empathetic.
 * Sheldon: Sucks to be you. (Presses button)
 * Leonard: (Presses button) I quit. (Goes to his room)
 * Sheldon: Leonard, wait, no. I listened to your dumb thing.


 * Raj: Dude, my accent is brilliant. (In American accent) Hey, my snow-white American friends, let's put some cow meat on the barbecue and eat it until we're all obese.
 * Howard: This is what you sound like. "I think I'm talking in an American accent, but it really sounds like I'm wearing a set of giant dentures."
 * Raj: Sheldon, do I really sound like that?
 * Howard: Tell him he sounds like that.


 * (Scene of Bernadette complaining during girls time at Penny's apartment)
 * Bernadette: (she is so not vey happy) So, I was taking a shower this morning, and when I got out, I started to dry off with what I thought was a towel but turned out to be Howard’s mom’s underwear. I had to take another shower. It wasn’t enough. Nothing will ever be enough.
 * Amy: I once looked in Sheldon’s underwear drawer. He yelled at me. But now I know what it looks like and he can never take that away.
 * Bernadette: There’s a book under here.
 * Penny: Oh, I’ll get that.
 * Bernadette: I got it.
 * Penny: No, no, it’s…
 * Bernadette: I got it. Why do you have a history textbook?
 * Penny: No, it’s not a big deal. Just taking a class at the Pasadena Community College.
 * Bernadette: That’s great. I didn’t know you wanted to go back to school.
 * Penny: It’s just one history class. Look, I didn’t finish college, so I thought I would give it a try.
 * Amy: Not to mention, your acting career is going south like Sherman. Read about it in your book.
 * Bernadette: Why would you be embarrassed to tell us?
 * Penny: No, I’m not embarrassed. I just didn’t want anyone to know because I haven’t told Leonard yet.
 * Amy: Why wouldn’t you tell Leonard?
 * Penny: Because it’s me going back to school, and he’s gonna be all “you can do it,” and “how can I help?” and “I’m so proud of you.” Ugh!
 * Bernadette: I just can’t believe you could keep something like that from him.
 * Amy: You guys have got to be the weirdest couple I know.
 * (There is a long pause of Penny glaring angrily at Amy for five seconds, Amy now nods her head silently)
 * Penny: Really? You can’t think of anyone weirder?
 * Amy: I can, (she whispers away from Bernadette) but she’s sitting right there.
 * (Bernadette stares at Amy harder and says nothing as she is now insulted by what Amy had said).


 * Amy: How’d it go with Leonard?
 * Penny: I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
 * Bernadette: Good.
 * Penny: So, I know this goes without saying, but if either of you tell Leonard you helped me rewrite this paper, I will beat you both with a bag of oranges.
 * Amy: Understood.
 * Bernadette: Got it.
 * Penny: Now, ladies, we got a B-minus on this paper. I think if we put our heads together, on the next one we could get an A.
 * Bernadette: Uh, but we got you a B-minus on purpose to make it believable.
 * Penny: Believable? You saying I’m not smart?
 * Bernadette: No, no!
 * Amy: You’re smart.
 * Penny: That’s better.
 * Amy: I feel like I’m in high school again.
 * Bernadette: Yeah, doing the prom queen’s homework so she’ll like us.
 * Amy: I know; It’s finally working.