Flop Starz

Scene opens up with kid singing on stage.

Kid: I met my love in a- AAH!

Announcer: Oh, man! Did that kid stink or what? But maybe YOU'VE got what it takes to be: The Next Super American Pop Teen Idol Star! Auditions open today at the Googolplex Mall in beautiful downtown Danville.

Candace: Auditions?! Today?!

Announcer: Yes, today! At two o'clock sharp.

Candace: (Grabs the TV and kisses it) I gotta tell Stacy! (runs, bringing the TV with her and falls)

Phineas: That pop star stuff might be fun at first, but then you'd be stuck on a dead end job. Too bad you can't just do it once and move on.

Linda: Well, what you're talking about is a one-hit wonder.

Phineas: One-hit wonder? What's that?

Linda: Well, a musical act goes at the top of the charts with a catchy tune and meaningless lyrics.

(Song: I'm Lindana and I Wanna Have Fun!) 

Singers: She's Lindana!

Lindana: I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun!

Singers: She wants to have fun

Lindana: I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun!

Singers: She's Lindana

Lindana: I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun!

Singers: She wants to have fun

Lindana: I wanna, wanna, wanna have

Singers and Lindana: Fun fun fun!

(in the middle of the song)

Linda: Then they throw a big diva tantrum, lose their label, then fade to obscurity. Before they know it, their song ends up as... elevator music. Years later, they have a reunion concert, and after that, they never sing again, and no one remembers them. (tears up, but quickly wipes away tears) Not that I would know anything about that.

Phineas: (writing) A one-hit wonder. Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today.

(in Candace's room)

Candace: But Stacy, what am I going to sing?

Stacy: Hello, what are you gonna wear?

Candace: Hmmm... (wears a gown) What do you think?

Stacy: Too much.

(Candace wears a two-piece) Too little.

(Candace wears a girly suit) Ugh, too clean.

(Candace wears a punk suit) Too dirty.

(Candace wears a street clothing) Too street.

(Candace wears a goth suit) Too goth.

(Candace wears a Lindana costume) Where'd you get that?

Candace: My mom's closet. You like it?

Stacy: Nah, too retro.

(Candace tries more other dresses, and ends up with her trademark clothing)

Stacy: Perfect!

Candace: Nice, huh?

Stacy: Yeah, you should've tried that on first.

Candace: Let's go!

Phineas: Chika, chika, choo...wah. Meaningless lyrics done. How's the catchy tune coming along?

(Ferb presses a key on the computer keyboard, producing a piano sound)

Excellent! We'll be done by lunch! Hey, where'd Perry go?

(Perry flushes himself in the toilet and then swims over his headquarters)

Major Monogram: Hello? Hellooo? Anybody there?

(Perry crashes down, full of water)

Oh, good morning Agent P. We just received word that Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been buying up construction supplies at an alarming rate. We need you to find out what he's up to and put a stop to it.

(Perry salutes and leaves with his scooter, and stops at the red light)

(Linda's car stops beside him, and she glances; then when she realized it, Perry puts his disguise on and Linda just shrugged)

(the green light appears and he zooms away)

'' (Perry)! ''

(at the mall)

Linda: We'll meet back in the entrance in an hour.

Candace: Come on, Stacy! We gotta hurry so we could get a spot in li -- yayaya... (realized the line's too long) I've sang in front of so many people!

Stacy: Uh, Candace? (shows her a LOT more people in the audience)

Candace: (gasps) I can't do this...

Stacy: Oh yes, you can. You're not a quitter; you're a fighter!

Candace: I am?

Stacy: Sure you are! You're a lean, mean, singing machine!

(Candace growls and punches the purse as in boxing)

That's it, yeah! Now you're looking like a winner!

(Candace looks like a worn out tiger and drools)

Jeremy: Hey, Candace.

Candace: (arranges herself) And that is what a gorilla looks like when you try to take away its food. OH! Hi, Jeremy! Are you auditioning too?

Jeremy: Nah. I came to see this hot new band called the PFT. I downloaded their song this morning; it's tight! The hundredth contestant gets to sing onstage with the band!

Candace: Really? (walks through the entrance and becomes the 100th contestant)

Jeremy: Hey, looks like that's you.

Announcer: Congratulations! You're the hundredth contestant!

(onstage) This young lady has the honor of singing onstage with PFT! So now, the band you've been waiting for: The Phineas and the Ferb-Tones!

Candace: Phineas?

Phineas: Candace? You're the hundredth contestant? How serendipitous. This'll be like a brother and sister thing! Now I'm assuming you've heard our hit single...who hasn't, right? It's a big hit. So here's the words; don't worry if you get lost. The lyrics are meaningless anyway. I'll point when it's your turn.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Ferbettes! I'm Phineas and this is Ferb, and we're gonna sing a song.

(Song: Gitchee Gitchee Goo)  Phineas: Bow, Chicka, Bow-Wow!

Ferbettes: That's what my baby says!

Phineas: Mow-mow-mow!

Ferbettes: And my heart starts pumping!

Phineas: Chicka-Chicka, Choo Wah!

Ferbettes: Never gonna stop!

All:  Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you!

Phineas: I said a Bow, Chicka, Bow-Wow!

Ferbettes: That's what my baby says!

Phineas: Mow-mow-mow!

Ferbettes: And my heart starts pumping!

Phineas: Chicka-Chicka, Choo Wah!

Ferbettes: Never gonna stop!

All: Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you!

Phineas: I said a Bow, Chika, Bow-Wow! Candace!

(The music abruptly stops. Candace looks at her music before throwing it aside)

Candace: Wait a minute! What are you doing?

Phineas: I'm cuing you?

Candace: How did you get a hit single?!

Phineas: Well, it wasn't easy. It took most of the morning and half a dozen phone calls. But if you learn to put in the work-

Candace: That's it! I'm gonna tell Mom!

Phineas: Okay... Tell her what?

Candace: (pauses) Ooh, I'm just gonna tell!

Phineas and Ferbettes: Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you!

Candace: Mom! Mom! Mom! You've gotta see this!

Linda: Let me guess. Is it unbelieva- (Candace pushes her) WOOAH!

Candace: Come on, come on, come on!

Ben Baxter: Hi, I'm Ben Baxter, Huge-O-Records. Why don't you come by my office in an hour and we can talk about your future.

Phineas: Future? Cool. He must be a psychic.

Candace: Come on, come on, come on! See? There they are onstage!

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, once again... Marty the Rabbit Boy and His Musical Blender!

(Marty the Rabbit Boy performs)

Linda: Come on, we're getting you an eye exam.

Candace: No, no, wait!

Perry!

Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.!

Doofenshmirtz: Ha ha, everything is ready!

(doorbell rings) Oh, what is it now? (opens the door and saw the disguised Perry) Oh, are you my new temp? Well, let me just get you up the speed; I know it's bit of a mess. I'm just putting the finishing touches of my latest diabolical plan. You see in a few minutes, I will unleash an impressive reign of terror upon the entire Tri-State Area! And Perry the Platypus will never be the wiser.

(Perry removes the disguise) Perry the Platypus? You're a temp? Are times that hard?

Candace: Ugh! I told mom I don't need glasses! What the...? (sees a bus of the PFT leaving) No, no, wait! Grrrr... (notices a PFT poster on a building and smiles) MOOMM!

 Doofenshmirtz Evil Incor-- 

Doofenshmirtz: Sorry, Perry the Platypus, but you are too late! (pushes a lever that makes the building alive as a robot)

Linda: (wearing a sweater) Ooh, this looks nice.

Candace: Mom, come here. You've got to see this!

Linda: Candace! I haven't payed for this yet!

Guard: Hey!

(the giant building robot wreaks havoc over the city)

Doofenshmirtz: Ha ha ha! When it comes to havoc, nobody wreaks like me!

(Perry removes a metal cover of a storage)

Wait, wait, wait, you're not supposed to touch that!

(Perry removes a wire)

Hey, that's not fair!

(the robot almost steps over the building, but turns around)

(The PFT bus passed by)

Isabella: Wow, what a great painting! How did you get permission for that?

Phineas: Oh, they didn't mind. The building's scheduled for demolition.

(the building gets demolished)

(Candace drags her mom)

Candace: See? (sees no building) AAAAHHH!!

Guard: Uh, ma'am, you're gonna have to go back and pay for that.

Linda: Yes of course, officer.

Candace: AAAAAHH!!

Guard: Hey, weren't you Lindana?

Linda: Oh, yes I was. I can't believe you recognized me.

Guard: Well, I was a huge fan. (pauses) You still have to pay for the jacket.

Linda: I know.

Doofenshmirtz: Very clever, Perry the Platypus. I tried to ignore you, but you forced my hand.

(pushes a button and traps Perry)

And now... I shall relax with a nice, tasty deli platter. Oh-hooh, where are my manners?

(gives Perry his share) Here you go, Perry the Platypus. Care for some pepper? Just say when. (continues to pour pepper) Anytime.

Ben: Boys, let me start by sayin' we love your act and we want to be in the Phineas and the Ferb-Tones business. And by the way, aren't you a little young to be pop stars?

Phineas: No.

Ben: Well, okay then! We prepared to offer you a very lucrative contract if you'll just sign exclusively with us for your follow-up single.

Phineas: Follow-up single? Who do you think we are, some two-bit hacks who will keep writing you songs simply because you pay us obscene amounts of cash?! Phineas and the Ferb-Tones are strictly a one-hit wonder! Good day to you, sir!

(enters the elevator) Diva tantrum, check. (listens to the Gitchee Gitchee Goo elevator music) Elevator music, check.

Ben: Well, who needs them? We still got this video tape of their performance. We could do live CDs, DVDs, podcasts, and we can digitally re-create their images to make our own sitcom! The Phineas and Ferb Show! We could squeeze twenty years of entertainment out of this one video tape.

Manager: WOOAH! That giant robot's coming right at us!

Doofenshmirtz: (still pouring pepper) Oh, you sure like a lot of pepper. I'm more of a paprika man myself. (Perry blows over the pepper) Oh, ohogh! It will take more than condiments to foil my brilliant plan!

(the robot sneezed them out, and they crashed through the Huge-O-Records building)

Ben: The tape!

Doofenshmirtz: AAAAHHH!

(Perry loosens the tape's film and successfully lands)

AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! (lands on a soft mattress) Ooh! What an unbelievable stroke of luck! (the mattress folded) Oof! I-I'm okay! I'm still better than the... (gets stepped over by the robot) Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

Phineas: Oh there you are, Perry.

(Perry chatters)

Come on, guys. We still have one more thing left to do.

(in Googolplex Mall)

Announcer: And the winner of the day's "Next Super American Pop Teen Idol Star" is Marty the Rabbit Boy and his Musical Blender! Aw, give him a hand! He's going to Hollywood!

Jeremy: Hey, Candace. What's wrong?

Candace: I'm better than that guy. Oh, I should've taken blender lessons.

Jeremy: So why did you run off earlier?

Candace: My brothers... (sighs) They always ruin everything.

Jeremy: Well, you like to sing, right?

Candace: Yeah.'''  Jeremy:''' Then you shouldn't let your brothers' fun ruin your good time. You know, if you get a chance to sing, you oughta sing. I gotta go, I'll see you later.

(music beats)

Phineas: Hey Candace, you're still the hundredth contestant. Wanna come up and help us out?

(Song: Gitchee Gitchee Goo) 

Phineas: Bow, Chicka, Bow-Wow!

Candace: That's what my baby says!

Phineas: Mow-mow-mow!

Candace: And my heart starts pumping!

Phineas: Chicka-Chicka, Choo Wah!

Candace: Never gonna stop! ' All: Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you!

Phineas: I said a Bow, Chicka, Bow-Wow!

Candace: That's what my baby says!

Phineas: Mow-mow-mow!

Candace: And my heart starts pumping!

Phineas: Chicka-Chicka, Choo Wah!

Candace: Never gonna stop!

All: Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you! (X2)

Gitchee Gitchee Goo means: That I love you baby, baby, baby!

Ferb: Baby-baby-baby-baby,

Candace/Phineas: Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you!

Candace: That was great! I've been thinking of my brothers all wrong! They're not a nuisance... They're my ticket to-'''  Phineas:''' Thanks, you've been great! This is the last time we're ever gonna sing that song. We're retiring, good night!

(lights switch off)

Mall Operator: The mall's now closed and we'll be open in 9am tomorrow. Thank you for shopping with us.

Credits Roll

(Song: I'm Lindana and I Wanna Have Fun!)

Singers: She's Lindana!

Lindana: I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun...

Announcer: You loved her in the '80s. Get ready to love her again. Lindana's mega hit I'm Lindana and I Wanna Have Fun, and been remixed and retranslated into your favorite languages: Portugese! Dutch! Canadian! Japanese! Esperanto! Pig Latin! Dog! And everyone's favorite-

(Linda turns off TV)

Phineas: Hey, Mom. Whatcha watchin'?

Linda: Oh, nothing.

Singers:  She wants to have fun!

Lindana: I wanna, wanna, wanna have fun, fun, fun!