The Gorilla Experiment


 * (The bedroom scene at the Wolowitz household of Howard smooching with Bernadette on his bed for a five seconds whilst Howard tries to get to her big black bra underneath her blouse and they both keep smooching for a few more seconds)
 * Bernadette: Howard?
 * Howard: (in between smooches) Huh?
 * Bernadette: It unhooks in the front.
 * Howard: (giggling) Oh, that explains a lot.
 * Howard’s Mother (off): Howard, I’m home!
 * Howard: Of course.
 * Howard’s Mother (off): Senior fitness was cancelled. It turns out you can forget how to ride a bike. I’m fine, but, oy, did Sam Harpootian eat gravel.
 * Howard: That’s great, Ma!
 * Howard’s Mother (off): WHAT’S GREAT ABOUT AN 80-YEAR-OLD ARMENIAN MAN WITH HALF HIS CHIN SCRAPED OFF?
 * Bernadette: I guess I should go.
 * Howard: No, no, don’t move. (shouts loudly to his mom) Hey, Ma, can I have lamb stew for dinner?
 * Howard’s Mother (off): Lamb stew? I’d have to go to the supermarket.
 * Howard: Please? I got a real hankering.
 * Howard’s Mother (off): Oh, I can’t say no to my little tushy face. I’ll be back soon.
 * Howard: Thanks, Ma.
 * Howard’s Mother (off): Do you want the regular peas or the Le Seur?
 * Howard: Always Le Seur peas with lamb stew!
 * Howard’s Mother (off): You’re right! When you’re right, you’re right! What if they’re out of the Le Seur?
 * Howard: Then get the regular!
 * Howard’s Mother (off): All right! You don’t have to yell!
 * Howard: (quietly to Bernadette) Sorry about that.
 * Bernadette: (her phone chimes) Let me just put that on vibrate.
 * Howard: I’m already on vibrate.
 * Bernadette: You know, that one I got. (she looks downs at the text message and she asks Howard crossly) Howard, did you say something to Leonard about me?
 * Howard: Uh, what do you mean?
 * Bernadette: He says if I go see his experiment tomorrow it might weird you out.
 * Howard: Really? He said that?
 * Bernadette: You’re not jealous of Leonard, are you?
 * Howard: Me? No. I may have mentioned that it’s a little inappropriate to be asking another man’s girlfriend to his experiment without first discussing it with said man.
 * Bernadette: Are you saying I need to ask your permission to hang out with Leonard?
 * Howard: I didn’t say anything like that. I said Leonard has to ask my permission.
 * (Scene at the front door of Mrs. Wolowitz's house where Bernadette storms out in such fury) 
 * Howard: (he yelling after Bernadette) Come on, I don’t want to eat lamb stew with my mother. (He is seeing that Bernadette has now gone off in a rage. He now yells loudly at himself) Damn, I was this close on the bra.
 * (Howard now goes back into his mom's house)


 * Sheldon Cooper: Why are you crying?
 * Penny: Because I'm stupid!
 * Sheldon Cooper: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and it makes me sad.


 * Penny: Hey, Leonard, check this out. (Throws some food in the air and catches it in her mouth)
 * Sheldon: Leonard, she’s doing it again.
 * Leonard: I think it upsets Sheldon when you play with the food.
 * Sheldon: No. It upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution. This is essentially why you have famine in India.
 * Penny: You want me to put it back?
 * Sheldon: Leonard.
 * Leonard: It upsets Sheldon when you play with the Sheldon.
 * Howard: (arriving) What’s up, my nerdizzles? Raj, Sheldon, I want you to meet my girlfriend Bernadette.
 * Sheldon: Hello.
 * Howard: Leonard, Penny, you know my girlfriend Bernadette.
 * Leonard: Yeah. Hey.
 * Howard: Bernadette, say fo’shizzle to my nerdizzles.
 * Bernadette: I don’t think I can. I don’t have Howard’s street cred.
 * Howard: I hope it’s all right, I told my girlfriend Bernadette she could join us for dinner.
 * Leonard: Sure. The more, the merrier.
 * Sheldon: Wait, no, that’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2,000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we’d be suffocating.
 * Leonard: Sheldon…
 * Sheldon: Don’t Sheldon me. We ordered for five people, not six.
 * Penny: Oh, come on, it’s fine. We’ll just put it all on the table, you know, family style.
 * Sheldon: Oh, sure. And while we’re at it, why don’t we put our hands behind our backs, have an old-fashioned eating contest?
 * Leonard: Relax, it'll be fine. Sit down, you guys.
 * [Everyone says no as Bernadette goes for Sheldon's spot]
 * Bernadette: What? no
 * Penny: Oh, yeah. You can't sit there.
 * Bernadette: Why not?
 * Leonard: That's where Sheldon sits.
 * Bernadette: He can't sit somewhere else?
 * Penny: Oh, no, no. You see, in the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator so that he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer, it's directly in the path of the cross breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television on an angle that isn't direct so that he can still talk to everybody, yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.
 * Sheldon: Perhaps there's hope for you after all.


 * Bernadette: Ooh, I love your shoes.
 * Penny: Oh, thanks. They are cute, aren’t they?
 * Bernadette: Where’d you get them?
 * Penny: Shoes for Less.
 * Bernadette: I’ve been meaning to go over there.
 * Penny: Oh, great selection, great prices.
 * Sheldon: My mother was right. Hell is real.
 * Howard: Come on, Sheldon. let the womenfolk chat.
 * Penny: Womenfolk?
 * Howard: Gals? Chicks? Utero-Americans?
 * Penny: Just eat your dinner.
 * Bernadette: Don’t take him too seriously, a lot of what he says is intended as humour.
 * Penny: Yeah, well, I don’t think it’s very funny.
 * Bernadette: Me neither, but he just lights up when I laugh.
 * Penny: Howard, never let her go.
 * Bernadette: So, Leonard, Howard says you’re working on fundamental tests of quantum mechanics.
 * Leonard: I am. Are you interested in physics?
 * Bernadette: Oh, I find it fascinating. If I hadn’t gone into microbiology, I probably would have gone into physics. Or ice dancing.
 * Leonard: Actually, my tests of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum interference effect have reached an interesting point. Right now, we’re testing the phase shift due to an electric potential.
 * Bernadette: That’s amazing.
 * Sheldon: Yes. Leonard’s work is nearly as amazing as third graders growing lima beans in wet paper towels. (Raj whispers to him) While I appreciate the oh, snap, I’m uncomfortable having your moist breath in my ear.
 * Bernadette: Are you going to try to set up the voltages using tunnel junctions?
 * Leonard: Yes, I am. You want to see a simulation on my laptop?
 * Bernadette: Oh, yeah, show me. In microbiology, the most exciting thing I get to work with is yeast.
 * Sheldon: Howard?
 * Howard: Yeah?
 * Sheldon: Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?
 * Howard: What?
 * Sheldon: Bazinga. I don’t care.


 * Sheldon Cooper: This is just the beginning of a 2600 year journey, from the ancient Greeks, to Isaac Newton, to Niels Bohr, to Erwin Schroedinger, to the Dutch researchers Leonard is currently ripping off.


 * Sheldon Cooper: And all of that tells us that...?
 * Penny: That Newton was a really smart cookie? Is that why they call them Fig Newtons?
 * Sheldon Cooper: No, Fig Newtons are named after a small town in Massachusetts - No, don't write that down!


 * Leonard Hofstadter: Most people aren't that interested in what I do.
 * [Penny and Sheldon look at each other knowingly]
 * Penny: Actually, that's not true, Leonard. Recently, I've been thinking that, given the parameters of your experiment, the transport of electrons through the aperture of the nano-fabricated metal rings is qualitatively no different than the experiment already conducted in the Netherlands.
 * [Everyone stares at Penny in disbelief]
 * Penny: Their observed phase shift in the diffusing electrons inside the metal ring already conclusively demonstrated the electric analogue of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum-interference effect.


 * (The scene in Leonard's lab where Howard storms up to Leonard with a face like thunder)
 * Howard: (he is really angry) Okay, I got a bone to pick with you.
 * Leonard: What did I do now?
 * Howard: (aggressively) I was in bed with Bernadette, and you text-blocked me.
 * Leonard: What?
 * Howard: (he's even more aggressive) We were completely naked, about to devour each other when, (he imitates a couple of texting sounds) you text her that I have a problem with her hanging out with you.
 * Leonard: (argues with Howard) You do have a problem with her hanging out with me.
 * Howard: (argues back with such loud anger) Yeah, but that’s not what you tell her.
 * Leonard: (argues with Howard again) What was I supposed to tell her?
 * Howard: (argues back with such loud anger again) I don’t know, something that doesn’t make me come off as a petty, jealous douche.
 * Leonard: And what would that be?
 * Howard: Come on, do I have to think of everything?
 * Bernadette: Hey, Leonard. Am I too late to see the experiment? (she sees Howard for a second and she now gets cross) Oh, hi.
 * Howard: Hi.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Howard crossly) What are you doing here?
 * Howard: Same thing you’re doing here. I came to see Leonard’s experiment.
 * Bernadette: (she's a tiny bit angry) No, you didn’t. You said Leonard’s experiment was stupid.
 * Leonard: You told her my experiment was stupid?
 * Howard: I was just repeating what Sheldon said. Let’s not get off topic, Bernadette, I need to apologize. I was wrong to tell you who you should be friends with.
 * Leonard: Should I, um, leave you two alone?
 * Bernadette: No, Leonard, you should hear this.
 * Leonard: Okay, good, ’cause I wasn’t really gonna go.
 * Howard: Look, I know I come off as confident and worldly, but the truth is I’m not.
 * Leonard: We’re shocked.
 * Howard: Which is why I tend to feel threatened by other guys.
 * Leonard: Or loud noises, clowns and nuns.
 * Howard: But I now realize how foolish that is.
 * Leonard: He had a panic attack once when he got his head stuck in a sweater.
 * Howard: It was a full turtleneck. Why aren’t you helping me?
 * Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe because I’m crazy?
 * Howard: Bernadette, please, I’m asking you to give me another chance.
 * Bernadette: What do you think, Leonard? Should I give him another chance?
 * Leonard: It’s up to you. He didn’t call your experiment stupid.
 * Bernadette: Come here, tushy face.
 * Leonard: Tushy face, that is going on Twitter right now.