The Gang Gets Trapped

Dennis: Damn it, damn it, damn it! This is such a stupid goddamn situation.

Sweet Dee: We got to get out of here, Dennis. We've got to get out of here.

We need a plan.

Okay, well, plan one is for you to lower your goddamn voice.

This is as low as I go, okay?

I say we bum-rush her and choke her out with her own belt.

Dee, yore escalating sh1t.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

We immediately escalate everything to a ten.

It's ridiculous.

I mean, somebody comes in with some preposterous plan or idea.

And then all of a sudden, everybody's on the gas.

Nobody's on the brakes.

Nobody's thinking.

Everybody's just talking over each other with one idiotic idea after another.

Until, finally, we find ourselves in a situation where we've broken into somebody's house.

And the homeowner is home.

Yes, yes.

I'm sick of it, Dee.

Okay.

We can't do this anymore.

Okay.

We've got to examine our process.

Fine.

I'm on board with that, okay?

But right now I'm trying to come up with solutions.

So if you don't want to choke her out, we wot choke her out.

But you need to help me come up with a plan, p okay?

Because this is breaking and entering.

Oh, my God.

Dee, your breath is hideous.

I mean, it smells bad.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

We are really in over our heads this time.

I'm saying, this was a totally avoidable situation.

I know I shouldn't have stood on that table and given that awesome speech about how I was the perfect one to lead us into the house because of my wonderful grace.

I know that.

I regret that now.

It was a very persuasive speech.

Oh, she's packing a suitcase.

I definitely regret you getting quadruple onions on your burger.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was going to be trapped in a closet with you for the afternoon.

I definitely regret being dragged along into this whole thing.

For what purpose would you have been dragged?

You nosed your way into this like you do everything.

You are nothing but liabilities, Dee.

Oh, come on.

Loud voice, breath reeks.

Nosey.

Oh, she's leaving.

She's leaving.

(door closes)

She's gone.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'm gonna call Mac and Charlie.

Okay.

Guys, come in.

Are you there?

Mac: Yes, extraction team.

What is your status?

Have you recovered the artifact yet?

No.

We are off the artifact plan.

We are not doing the artifact plan anymore.

It is a stupid plan.

Charlie: Negative, negative.

It is an awesome plan, okay?

This family should not have the artifact.

It belongs in a museum.

Belongs in a museum, bro.

Adults should not be making plans that are based on dumb movies!

Excuse me?

Indiana Jones is a dumb movie?

I-I like the first one.

Oh, God.

I-I like him as a character.

Oh, God. Come on.

But some of the mov-- Okay, listen...

It's not about that.

I'm just saying that the plan was genuinely dumb, as many of our plans are, I now realize.

What about your whole speech about "I have the grace of a falcon, and I'll be in and out like a demon's whisper"?

Dude, you stood up on your chair in that burger restaurant and said that speech for everybody!

It was a damn good speech.

It was very persuasive.

But I regret it now.

I got to pee.

No.

Dee, Dee, what-what are you doing?

She could come back in here at any moment.

Well, what...

Indiana Jones: Part 4 was dumb.

I'll give you that, yeah.

I wouldn't even count it.

I'm gonna say Temple of Doom's out for me, as well.

Is it out for you?

That's also dumb.

I liked that one.

Uh... Um, guys, can we talk about this later?

Frank, let's go.

We're bailing.

Frank: I ain't going nowhere until I get that vase.

Forget about the vase, Frank.

We're bailing on the vase, okay?

Frank's right actually, okay?

We got to thing about the vase.

We got to think about what's best for the vase.

Yes, we are men of honor who protect artifacts from those who steal them.

What?

You didn't give a sh1t about artifacts two hours ago.o.

So what? Now we do.

Yeah, what's that have to do with anything?

Well, we should not be committing crimes based on beliefs that are two hours old.

Well, then don't read us newspaper articles about stolen artifacts that outrage us.

That article was about how the museum is holding an auction to raise money, okay?

Nothing was stolen.

The vase is not stolen.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, only if we follow through with this plan will the vase be stolen.

Well, you were the ones who escalated us off of being the extraction team.

We could have gotten in and out of there.

Well, escalate your way back in, for all I give a sh1t.

I'm leaving. I quit.

Me, too.

Well, I'm still in.

Living on the edge.

It's making me feel alive.

Shh!

Yes!

See, now, Frank, that is why you are on the extraction team.

Frank's got the attitude, Dennis has the grace... Dee nosed in.

She nosed in.

Dee was dragged.

Oh, sh1t.

Extraction team, there is an SUV pulling up in front of the house.

There is a man getting out.

Okay, I cannot see the driver's face, but the subject appears to have pointed feet of some kind.

Okay, I'm repeating here.

He has pointed feet, so careful now.

What does that mean?

What does that mean?

He's wearing cowboy boots.

Okay, yes, I'm seeing now that they are cowboy-- you know, his feet could be pointed on the inside, so let's be...

They're definitely not pointed on the inside.

How do you know that?

How do you know that?

They're definitely not-- I mean, I guess I can't say for sure.

You don't know that for sure.

Sweetheart?

You home?

Up here, darling!

What?

Is she coming back up here?

Why is she coming back up here?

Oh, sh1t, back in the closet.

Yippee-i-ki-yay.

(laughs)

All right.

(chuckles)

What the hell?

Oh, I just saw her put the vase in the suitcase.

What?

No.

We can barely even tell if that's a person and a suitcase.

I have to pee so bad.

Deandra, your breath is dog sh1t.

I know.

What are you doing home?

Well, I got a call from the alarm coarmpany.

They said it was the house.

This is bad.

Oh, I must have set if off.

I just popped by to grab a jacket.

I told you you'd be chilly.

Yeah, you're always right about that, honey.

Well, I got an appointment, you know.

Oh, yeah.

I-I'm heading back to the office.

Bye, sugar.

Bye.

What the hell was that?

Very strange.

That was close.

Give me a chip.

No, no.

These are my chips.

You don't get a chip.

What's going on in there?

Basically, these people are Southern, and the lady lied to the man.

(door closes)

Are they gone?

I don't know.

Let's just quietly get out.

It's phase time, bitches.

What? What?

No, no, no, no.

What are you doing, Frank?

We are in a very dangerous situation here.

These people are from the South.

That's weird.

People from the South don't usually move up North.

Oh, no, they come up.

These carpetbaggers come up by the truckloads just to steal our artifacts.

Carpetbaggers, huh?

Yeah.

Give me a chip.

No, you don't get chips, Charlie!

I mean, God only knows what these people will do to us if they catch us.

These Southerners, they probably pray for a home invasion every single day.

They can't wait to get their hands on home invaders, so they can blast them with shotguns and-and, uh, do God knows what to them, Frank.

We'll be lucky if the only thing that happens is we go to jail.

We have got to go.

Hey, if some hillbilly comes up to me, I'm gonna lash him in the face, that's all.

No, Frank.

They are always armed to the teeth.

They will hogtie us and hang us out on the front lawn or burn us on a cross.

You're right, man.

You got to be careful.

You know, anytime you find out, like, some dude's got a crazy torture basement or something, it's someone from the South.

It always is.

You know what, extraction team, why don't you go down to the basement and see if it's some kind of crazy type dungeon.

Yeah, yeah.

Dungeons and tons of guns and-- dude, please give me a chip.

You're not getting sh1t, okay?!

Come on!

Leave it alone with the chips.

If you wanted chips, you could've gotten a bag at the hamburger store.

Don't ask me again!

I can't listen to this sh1t anymore.

Ooh! (gasps)

Hmm. Q-tip holder.

sh1t.

Oh, problem solved.

Can we just get out of here?

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Hold on, hold on.

I think you need to see this.

Dee, you are nosing in.

Nip it in the bud.

A whole bunch of tickets to The Jay Leno Show.

Who cares?

No. Listen to me.

Who wants to see Jay Leno 15, 16 times?

No one.

No one wants to see him once.

At all, right?

I got a theory.

She's banging Leno.

She's having an affair with Leno.

Frank, if she was banging Jay Leno, why would she have to buy a bunch of tickets to his show?

That's stupid, Frank.

Use your head.

I've got an idea, though.

She's trying to kill him.

She's still very upset about the whole Conan thing.

Oh, my God!

That's it-- she's icing Leno.

(Sweet Dee gasps)

She's packing her suitcase.

She's sneaking away from her husband.

Listen to me.

Those are the theories of lunatics.

Okay.

We have got to get to get out of here now.

Yes, he's right. Let's go.

No. Back off, bitch.

I ain't leaving until I get that vase.

Stop it! Stop it.

He's gonna hurt himself.

Never should have let him have that whip.

For God sake, let's just get out of here.

Let's go, come on.

(whispering): Okay, I think the back door's this way.

Dee, you gangly, uncoordinated bitch, I am not getting hogtied over your lack of grace.

I hope they hogtie you.

And then I hope the rape you in their basement for ten years.

Dee, listen to me.

Go!

I'm telling you, I have a weird feeling about this.

He just randomly comes home with some story about the alarm.

He knows something.

Look, we should just do it now.

Pull the trigger.

Pull the trigger?

What does that mean?

Who is she talking to?

What is she talking about pulling the trigger on?

I don't know.

I mean, until now, I was thinking this Southern violence talk was just, you know, bull sh1t.

It was just an escalation of some kind.

Mm-hmm.

But now I think it might not be, you know what I mean?

Uh-huh.

I mean, who is she talking to right now?

Who is that person?

They're gonna pull the trigger on somebody?

Jesus Christ.

I mean, I'm only asking because I think knowing this might help us get out of this mess.

You know what I'm saying?

Mm. Mm-hmm.

What is going on with you, Dee?

You should be nosing into this like crazy right now.

I can't hold it anymore.

What?

The toilet's right behind you, so I'm just gonna go ahead and pee in it.

Oh, no, no.

You are just gonna intentionally spray DNA all over the crime crime.

I'm not gonna spray anything anywhere.

Are you not familiar with how a woman urinates?

Yes, I am, Dee, but you cannot flush the toilet.

It's going to make too much noise.

Then you're just gonna have a bowl full of evidence.

Okay, well, you've got a really good point, but I'm going to do it anyway, okay, so it's it's happening, it's happening.

You can't do it, you can't do it, no.

It's happening. Watch me.

Oh, my God. You are all liabilities.

Why did you nose your way into this?

I hate you.

Okaym, I'm gonna go find Mac ad Charlie so they create a diversion so we can get the hell out of here.

Don't pee with me in the room!

Right now, yeah, go ahead and go.

Oh, thank you, God.

(liquid pouring)

Mac? Charlie? Come in.

Mac? Charlie?

I'm telling you, Charlie, the situation is out of control.

Let's just get out of here while we still can.

Without the guys?

Oh, they're as good as dead.

There's no telling what those Southern people are gonna do to them.

You're right, man.

You know what?

We should just get the hell out of here, and I mean out of Philadelphia.

I mean, we should just drive and drive and drive and not look back.

We should go to Arizona and open up that imported leather shop that we've always talked about.

Oh, my God, the leathers, yes-- the tasseled leathers, the turquoise studs on the leathers.

All the leather.

Yeah.

Okay, okay, do you have the keys on you?

Yeah, let's get the keys.

Let't s get the keys.

Let's get out of here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, I heard all that.

Were you holding down the button?

It was an accident.

I wasn't...

It was just sort of a reflex.

You're always holding that thing down, and...

What? I'm...

Uh, sorry, extraction team.

We were having a leather conversation.

We're-We're... Doesn't really...

Hey, um, what's the status on the vase?

Do not take off on us!

I repeat, do not take off on us.

Leather shop in Arizona?

Are you serious?

There are far too many leather shops in Arizona as it is.

You would be out of business in a week's time.

What did you expect us to do, okay?

You got us all freaked out in here, sitting here waiting for the Southerners to tie us up to horses and then have them run in opposite directions, ripping us apart.

Yeah.

How are we not supposed to fantasize about opening up imported leather shops in Arizona?

Yeah, give me a chip.

No, you're not getting the chips.

The chips are off the table, okay?

I want a chip!

Don't bring up the chips.

Give me a chip.

He wants chips, and I asked him in the store, Dennis, you were there.

I said, "Charlie, do you want a bag of chips?"

He said, "No, I don't want chips."

If you wanted the goddamn chami, you should have gotten the goddamn chips at the hamburger shop!

Stop, calm down, calm down, listen.

We need the two of you to create a diversion so that we can sneak out of the house.

(toilet flushing)

She just flushed the toilet.

Yeah, fine, it's just-- fine, I'm just hungry.

We'll do a diversion.

Oh, sh1t, I just thought of something.

What?

What if this vase is cursed, okay?

Maybe that's why things aren't going well, right?

If this vase has a curse on it, you do not want to touch it.

I repeat, do not touch this vase if you see it.

Pick it up with, like, you know what?

Get a bag of sand of some sort and...

Get, get Dee to touch it.

Is Dee there?

If you find Dee...

Are you still talking about the vase?

The vase is not cursed.

It's from the 1800s.

It was a time of science.

(Dennis gasps)

Jesus, Dee, why did you flush the toilet?

Well, you had me all freaked out about spray and DNA evidence.

W-What's going on with Mac and Charlie?

It's-- I can't get them to stay focused.

They keep escalating the conversation into evil curses and opening leather shops in Arizona.

A leather shop in Arizona?

Yeah.

Well, they'd be out of business in a week's time.

That's exactly what I said.

We need to split 'em up.

That's a good idea.

How do you propose we do that?

Hey, Charlie, hey, it's Dee.

Listen, uh, how come Mac's the only one who gets to push the button on the walkie?

Uh, let me get back to you on that.

Where are you guys?

I'm in a little girl's room.

Frank, get back here.

Mac and Charlie are gonna do a diversion.

No way.

The little bitch has got a suitcase.

I'll bet the vase is in it.

No, no, I doubt that.

Yeah, yeah, at this point, I doubt that ts is even the family mentioned in the article.

Frilly little dress, pink nightie.

Holy hell.

There's a teddy bear and it's got something hard in it.

I'll bet the wife put the vase in the teddy bear to steal it from the husband.

No, no, that is absolute insanity.

I'm gonna gut this thing.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, n-n-no, Frank.

(Frank grunting)

Hi, I'm Albert, I love you.

Hi, I'm Albert, I love you.

Hi, I'm Albert, I love you.

Shut up.

Hi, I'm Albert, I love you.

Shut, shut up.

That is outrageous.

That is an outrageous amount of noise.

Hi, I'm Albert, I love you.

That's loud.

Okay, oh, I'll smother it.

Frank, Frank, do not.

Fra, stop it.

(distorting): Hi, I'm Albert, I love you.

Hi, I'm Albert... Are you kidding me?

Goddamn it.

How have we not been caught at this point?

Hey, what's up, guys?

Charlie, what are you doing here?

I snuck in.

Mac was, like, being a dick about the walkie-talkie.

You know how, like, he wouldn't let me push the button and stuff?

Dick.

So he can just sneak in, but we can't seem to sneak out?

It wasn't easy-- there's, like, a ton of clots in this house.

I didn't know which closet you were in, okay?

I had to look in a lot.

All right, well, now that we've split you two idiots up, maybe we can finally get Mac to do a diversion.

Hi, Mama, I'm home.

Jesus Christ, now there's a kid in the house?

Mac, dude, a kid just walked into the house-- a little heads up!

Could you hold on one second, Dennis?

Okay, so that's a double-double cheeseburger meal with a extra-large chocolate shake?

Um, can you go ahead and throw an extra double cheeseburger on there, please?

'Cause I'm very hungry.

Mac, now is not the time to run off and get a hamburger!

We need your help!

I didn't just run off, dude.

I'm coming back.

We need you to come back now.

We need you to create a diversion.

We have got to get out of this house!

What happened to Charlie's diversion?

Charlie doesn't know what a diversion is, apparently.

He just ran directly into the house.

Fine. I'll be right back.

Okay, great, thank you.

Hey, get chips this time.

I'm not gonna get chips!

He got mad at me for not... Shut up.

Well, you know what?

I'll be a plumber.

I'll knock on the front door, tell 'em I got a deal on pipes, you guys run out the back.

That's a little elaborate, but okay.

Ooh, I'll do a Swedish accent!

No, you do not do a Swedish accent-- you don't know how to do one.

And you don't need to, dude.

These people don't know who you are!

I can't just tell them that we're there to steal their artifact, Dennis.

There is a huge amount of middle ground between those two things.

(Swedish accent): I'm a Swedish plumber-- I'm here to fix your pipes.

(normal voice): That's good.

That's a good accent.

Do a Philadelphia accent if you insist on doing an accent.

I'm not going to do a Philadelphia accent.

I'm gonna do a Swedish accent, because that's what Indy would do.

(Swedish accent): Are you still there, Dennis, are you still there?

Don't worry about it, and don't worry about anything.

I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna kill you!

Well, guys, looks like we're on our own.

Let's just make our move.

Charlie, how'd you sneak in here?

Front door.

Let's just... Front door?

You just walked right in the front door?

Well, I ran, I had a little hustle going, but yeah, front door.

Mm-hmm.

I'm beginning to think we should just walk right out the front door, then.

I'm beginning to think that this family has zero awareness of their surroundings.

Let's go. Let's just go.

Oh, my God.

WOMAN (Southern accent): So, tell me, Madison, do you like Disneyland?

Yeah.

Well, we are going there right now.

Surprise!

I already packed your suitcase.

Did you pack Binky?

Well, no, I packed Elbert.

I don't want Elbert.

I want Binky!

Go grab your Binky and hurry up, 'cause we got to go!

(whispering): Frank, Frank!

Frank! Little girl coming your way.

I'm gonna whip this little bitch in the face if she makes a a peep.

Binky?

Binky?

Binky!

We are assholes.

No one is planning to murder Jay Leno or anyone else.

This is a nice woman planning a surprise California vacation.

Dangerous family? No.

(doorbell rings twice)

Barry! What took you so long?

Mom, how come Barry's here?

Oh, well, uh, he's coming with us to Disneyland instead of Daddy.

MAN (Southern accent): How'd you like it if we could go to Disneyland every day?

Are we going to California?

Without Daddy?

Well, I'll be your new daddy.

Uh-oh.

Oh, my God, did you hear that?

She's out there, and they're all going to Disneyland.

(tires screech)

(quiet gasps)

(door slams open)

MAN (Southern accent): Barry, I followed you, you son of a bitch.

I knew something was up.

You're my best friend!

How could you do this to me?

(Madison sobbing)

Do you still love me?

I don't know anymore.

It's not good when the kids get involved.

Very sad.

...or so help me God, I will beat the hell out of you.

Let's just make a break for it.

(several talking at once)

Everybody shut up!

Now, let's all just calm down, and we'll talk this thing out like a family.

I don't care if it takes all night.

(groaning)

Oh, God, no. All night?

I can't do all night, you guys.

I don't have it in me.

Screw it.

Let's just walk right out.

They're not gonna notice; they got a lot on their...

Their marriage is falling apart.

Let's walk right out.

I'm just gonna walk right out.

Let's do it.

(Madison sobbing)

I've tried to make this work, but if you want to go, you can go.

But you're not taking my little girl.

Hello.

Hey.

(knocking)

Hello! I am the Swedish plumber...

Uh, Mac... Hey, Frank, we're out here!

Yo!

Oh.

The vase!

(others gasp)

sh1t!

All right, we'll just, uh...

Yeah, why don't we head out.

Should've sideways...

We should just... Thank you.

It was weird that they were Asian, right?