The Good, The Bad and the Ed

''[Around the cul-de-sac, fall is in full bloom, and the kids are doing their chores and cleaning up the fallen leaves. Suddenly, a poorly played bugle is heard, and the Urban Rangers march to the center of the cul-de-sac. Rolf begins to speak.]'' Rolf: "Rangers! Halt." [A table is set down.] "The Urban Rangers will now entice you with their discipline and derring-do." ''[The Urban Rangers proceed to rake and bag the leaves, wash the windows, and clean the gutters in one fell swoop. The kids, with the exception of Eddy, cheer this miraculous feat.]'' Ed: "Are they fancy or what?" Eddy: [blowing a raspberry] "Urban Losers." [The Rangers get behind their sign-up booth.] Rolf: "Potential petitioners of the cul-de-sac. As you have seen, you too can ease the burden of daily chores." [The Rangers unfold a giant placard reading "Join the Urban Rangers."] Rolf: "Come join the Urban Rangers and become the master of the mundane! The duke of duties! Earn badges! Impress your relatives!" Edd: "You do have to admire their efforts in educating the community, Eddy." ''[Eddy marches up to the desk. Rolf holds out a pen. Eddy takes another route: he tears the brochure into tiny strips and leaves the crumbled remains behind. Satisfied, he walks away.]'' Rolf: "Ah, Rolf sees the Urban Rangers are far too demanding for one whose head resembles a side table to a couch." ''[Rolf sets a cup of tea on Eddy's head, and the kids, except for Edd, laugh. Ed dunks a piece of toast in the tea.]'' Eddy: [inflamed] "OKAY, TOUGH GUY! HOW ABOUT I TAKE YOU ON FOR THE HARDEST BADGE YOU GOT?! RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!" Jimmy: "Holy mackerel! Is he talking about the–the–" Rolf: [fear in his eyes] "The Hairy Chest of Resilience badge?" [The Urban Rangers gasp.] Jonny: "Nobody's earned that badge in over fifty years!" Rolf: "This badge has trampled the eggplants of many a brave hopeful who have tried to obtain it!" Eddy: [irreverent] "Quack! I smell a chicken!" Ed: [excited] "A chicken, Eddy?" Eddy: "Yep! A big urban free-range–er chicken!" [to Rolf] "I got a badge for you, mister chicken! How about the 'Go Home and Lay an Egg' badge?" [He laughs.] Rolf: [angered] "Enough! Your mockery of the domestic fowl insults Rolf! You know not where you tread, Ed-boy. Urban Rangers!" ''[He stalks away. Jonny and Jimmy haul out a huge book.]'' Ed: [putting Eddy on his head] "Follow the chicken! Follow the chicken! Follow the chicken!" Edd: [nervous] "Eddy, according to my calculations, taking into consideration mass versus height versus the scope of coverage in sheer body hair, Rolf surpasses you in every category, Eddy!" [He holds up the sheet of statistics, clearly showing Rolf is too skilled to go up against.] Eddy: "Oh yeah? Well who cares! I'll show these Urban Dweebs once and for all!"

''[A flag is raised over the construction site. This is not the usual Urban Rangers flag; this one is red and white and features a picture of a muscled torso. The kids sit on a stack of woods, ready to enjoy the show.]'' Jimmy: "Hear ye, hear ye! You brave men are about to embark on a series of tests!" [flipping the book open] "Ordained by the Grand Poobah of the International Urban Rangerhood! Make your way to the Circle of Supremacy!" [As he was talking, Jonny had drawn a ring around the competitors.] Kevin: "Stinks to be you, huh, flathead!" Jimmy: "The contenders must endure without a murmur, a mumble, or a mutter of grief in order to earn the coveted Hairy Chest of Resilience badge. The first test:" Jonny: "The Wax of Wailing!" Jimmy: "Assistants Ed and Double D: liberally apply the wax to Eddy's leg, adhere the leather strap to the wax, and await my signal." [Ed and Edd follow the instructions.] Ed: "Lucky!" Edd: "Still have time to renege, Eddy." Eddy: "It's in the bag." Jimmy: "Are we ready?" ''[He looks around. Eddy shoots him a thumbs-up.]'' ''[Jimmy blows a whistle. Jonny rips the strap off, waxing Rolf's hairy leg which shows a lot of hair. Rolf doesn't even react, though his leg does sprout more hair, at swollen pores. The kids look at Eddy, concerned.]'' Ed: "And this little piggy went to market!" ''[Ed rips the strap off. Eddy's leg swells up like a balloon, and his eyes fill with tears, but not a sound is heard.]'' Rolf: [taunting] "Hoo-hoo, he whose mouth is louder than Papa's summer shorts. Are you ready to cry?" ''[He and the other Rangers stalk off to the next trial. Edd hauls out a first-aid kit.]'' Edd: "Eddy, I sympathize that your past dealings with the Urban Rangers have been less than cordial. But is this really necessary?" Eddy: "Eeh." [Ed squirts some water in his face.] "I'm gonna beat them at their own game, Sockhead! And everyone will see what phonies they are when I'm wearing that dumb badge!"

[The contest has moved to inside a house.] Jimmy: "Gentlemen! The second test is:" Jonny: "The Bumping of the Funny Bone!" Edd: "Oh dear." [He ties Eddy to the arm of a chair.] Rolf: "Gather your fortitude, Ranger Jonny!" [The whistle blows.] Ed: "Whack!" ''[Ed turns the chair and slams Eddy's elbow into a file cabinet repeatedly. Eddy's face clearly tells a story of GREAT pain! On the other side of the room, Rolf undergoes the same treatment at Jonny's hands, but he only grimaces a bit.]'' Rolf: "Don't make Rolf come up there, Wood Boy! Faster! Faster I say!" ''[The turning quickens. Soon enough, the match ends, and Edd rushes in with his first-aid kit.]'' Edd: "For goodness sake, Eddy, concede!" Eddy: "Never!" Ed: "I gotcha! A massage for Eddy, Double D!" [Ed proceeds to roll Eddy out using a rolling pin.]

''[The competition is now in the woods. The competitors stand in front of brambly, entwined bushes.]'' Jimmy: "For the third test, wearing only your birthday suits, you must crawl through:" Jonny: "The Bramble Bush of Bellyache!" Eddy: [surprised] "Birthday suits?" Ed: "Nudge nudge, wink wink!" Rolf: "Enough!" [He crouches at the starting line.] "The prickly maiden of the bramble awaits!" ''[The whistle toots, and Jimmy waves the flag. Rolf takes off, a naked blur. Ed, not to be outdone, takes Eddy and tears his clothes off. Eddy's underwear lands on Edd's face.]'' Ed: "Birthday bomb!" ''[Ed, like a bowler, sends Eddy through the bushes like a bowling ball. Eddy comes out the other side battered and torn.]'' Eddy: [hopeful] "Did I–win yet?" Rolf: [fully dressed] "Fool. The greatest test must yet be realized." [He walks off happily.] Edd: "Eddy, this charade of self-validation has gone on long enough. Look at yourself! You can barely stand! Please, Eddy. Throw in the towel. End it. Neither Ed nor I will think any less of you." Eddy: [injured and dazed] "I'll throw in the towel when it's laundry day, Double D." [Eddy walks off grumbling, and his two friends follow.]

[The kids are now gathered in the park.] Jimmy: "The next test is called:" Jonny: "The Pendulum of Protest!" ''[Rolf and Eddy are tied to the swing set. On either side of them are giant boulders.]'' Rolf: "As it is said in your country, let her rock!" ''[Ed starts the contraption, and it goes like clackers for a few rounds. Jimmy blows the whistle.]'' Jimmy: "You both have done well. With this last test, we'll determine who will receive the coveted Hairy Chest of Resilience badge! Gentlemen, I give you–"

Jonny: "The Tour of Tears!" ''[A banner waves over the starting line. Rolf and Eddy are on diving boards that jut out from a cliff. Rolf stands tall, ready to take it on. Eddy cowers, holding on to his board. The whistle gives a mournful toot. Edd looks on fearfully, and Ed looks on absent-minded as Rolf leaps off the board and grabs massive air before diving towards earth. Eddy, for his part, slowly climbs off his board and falls. They fall into a water tank for a train and land in its path as it goes by. The train pushes them forward. Slowly, they slide off its front and fall under it. The train goes one way, and Eddy and Rolf are detoured along another set of tracks when Jimmy and Jonny change the track. They land on a couch.]'' Eddy: [hurt] "What? Hah! Did I win yet?" Rolf: [ominously] "No." [Jonny and Jimmy untie a rope, and the sofa shoots them away like a slingshot.] Ed: "Catch you later, Eddy!" ''[The competitors soar through the air. On the ground, Ed, Edd, Jonny, and Jimmy hurry to the construction site.]'' Edd: "Oh my." ''[Eddy and Rolf land in the center of the circle, and the earth cracks around them. The kids cheer.]''

''[A horrible sound of feedback is heard against a background of darkness. Slowly, Eddy's eyelids creak open, and he looks up at Ed and Edd.]'' Ed: "Aw. Can I play with him, Double D?" [Eddy is bandaged up on a stretcher.] Edd: "Ed, don't touch." Eddy: "Now did I win?" Edd: "Well, um, you…passed out. One second before Rolf, Eddy. So Rolf won by default." Eddy: "One lousy second!" [He looks across the way, to where Rolf is being celebrated.] Nazz: "Wow. Cool badge, Rolf." Sarah: "Let me see!" Kevin: "Dude. You ain't wearing that to school, are ya?" Rolf: "Do not touch the badge, urchins of processed cheese spread!" [The kids cart Rolf away.] Eddy: "Urban Bonehead." Ed: "Be sad not, Eddy! You won a badge too!" Eddy: [invigorated] "No way!" Edd: "Yes, Eddy! The Rangers did award you something for your efforts." Eddy: "Suckers! Where is it, so I can rub it in their faces?" Ed: "Here you go!" [He pins it to Eddy's shirt.] "The Crybaby Boo-Hoo badge! See? There's a little rattle on it." Eddy: "Of all the–Lemme at em! I'll–I'll–" [He falls over and loses his last remaining tooth.] Edd: "Oh goodness! Ed, I think Eddy deserves some rest, yes?" Eddy: [crawling] "I don't need no stinking rest! I need a big stick! To hit Rolf over the head with!" Ed: [carrying Eddy away] "You heard him, Eddy! Rest is best! So be no pest and I'll wear a vest!" Eddy: "ONE LOUSY SECOND!"