Hip Hop Hobbit / The Monday Project

[The scene: Bilbo Baggins' house. Gandalf and Bilbo meet for the first time in preparation for a journey most... unexpected.]

Gandalf the Grey: What do you say, Bilbo Baggins? I'm looking for someone to join me on an adventure. Will you be in the Hobbit movie?

Bilbo Baggins: No way, Gandalf! I'm not doing that. Last time they made a movie based on the Hobbit, it was really bad news. [Bilbo gets up and heads for his TV.]

Gandalf: That was, like, 30 years ago. What was that, the 80's?

Bilbo: [Taking a VCR from the shelf] Let's pop it in and find out. (Bilbo puts in the VHS tape into the VCR. The video plays...)

(...then rap music starts playing, and the title card Hip Hop Hobbit appears)

[HIP HOP HOBBIT]

(Fades to 1977 Bilbo's house)

1977 Bilbo: (rapping) 

♪ Well, my name is Bilbo and I'm here to say 

I'm expected to go on no adventures today

I'm a Hip Hop Hobbit and I like to rap 

Rapping's just rhymes, it's simple as that

So please don't be scared, please don't run

Rap's all about just havin' big fun! ♪

[FUN]

(Fades to Bilbo's house)

(Record Scratching)

(all dwarfs dance and pan to every dwarf, then fade back to 1977 Bilbo scratching the record )

1977 Bilbo: (rapping)

♪ Sometimes I rap hard, sometimes I rap soft 

I'll pass the mic to my man Gandalf

When I pass the mic, he'll take the mic 

And he'll have the mic and he'll use the mic

Gandalf will rap, just like me

''But he's a different man, he's-- well, you'll see... ''♪

[FRESH]

1977 Gandalf: (rapping)

♪ Well, my name is Gandalf and I'm on the mic

Now I'm gonna rap anything I like

Bilbo, it's time to go on a quest

The Dwarves need your help 'cause you're the best

So grab your bags, 'cause there's not much time

Hey, have you noticed, everything rhymes!

All this rapping may sound foreign

But to clear it up is my man Dwarf Thorin

When I hand him the mic, he'll open his hand

Then he'll take the mic with his-- ♪

[Bilbo Baggins fasts forwards the tape, with fast images of Thorin rapping, but no sound]

Bilbo: I'm just gonna fast forward right there, because... there were 13 Dwarves, and they each explain what rap is, and how handing off the mic works.

Gandalf: No way! All 13 Dwarves rap?

[Bilbo resumes playback]

Bombur: (rapping)

♪ Well, my name is Bombur and I'm holding a mic ♪

[Fast forward]

[Playback]

Dwarf: (rapping)

♪ When I extend the mic, he'll see the mic

and his hands are capable-- ♪

[Fast forward]

[Back to Bilbo and Gandalf of present day]

Bilbo: [chuckles] Wait 'til you see the end. You're going nuts, trust me.

[Playback resumes, with '77 Bilbo rap-battling Smaug]

1977 Bilbo: (rapping)

♪ I'm a hip, I'm a hop, I'm a hippity Hobbit

There's no way you can stippity-stop it

I'm the wearer of Rings, I'm the lucky number

I'll steal your gold while you slumber

I'm a singing fly, I'm a real web cutter

Are you shaking now, or did I stutter?

I'm the hip, the hop

The hibby, Hobbity, hip hip ♪

[Rapping incoherently]

♪ Hippity-Hop ♪

[Having taken too much rap for a lifetime, Smaug coughs and drops dead. The video ends. Bilbo's TV turns off, and the VCR is ejected, of which the Hobbit takes.]

Gandalf: You're right, Bilbo. We must reassemble the Fellowship and return to Mount Doom [takes the VHS tape from Bilbo] to cast this into the fires in which it was formed.

[Gandalf takes his leave. Just then, after a short pause, Bilbo puts what he learned from the tape about rap into good use.]

Bilbo: ♪ Well... ♪

[But that's another story for another time.]

[End segment]

(fades to Garfield watching TV)

Garfield (in head): It all started on a typical Monday.

News Guy: And in lighter news, Nermal the kitten was voted World's Cutest Cat!

Garfield: Figures. What a jerk.

News Guy: And Garfield was voted the World's Least Cute Cat.

Garfield: Seems unnecessary.

(Jon and Odie come from the door)

Jon Arbuckle: Great news, Garfield! Odie's original owner, Lyman, has been missing so long, he was pronounced legally dead. Odie just inherited $1,000,000,000!

Garfield: Oh. Nice for him. (Gets a twitch - bad omen.) If you excuse me, I think I'm gonna go have some lasagna.

Jon: Oh, I ate all the lasagna. But don't worry, today, I'm starting new on delicious diet food!

Garfield: That's it. RAMPAGE!

(In classic Garfield fashion, everyone's favorite fat cat jumps in, kicks Odie out, claws the curtains, and breaks Jon's fern, then storms out the house)

Jon: Hey, my drapes and plant!

(Outside)

(Heck hath no fury like a cat scorned, as Garfield throws a trash can and pushes a biking lady into the swimming pool. Of course, with an officer seeing this happen, this won Garfield a trip to the Animal Control Center...)

(Animal Control Center. Garfield is behind bars, explaining his Monday-related rampage to an officer.)

Garfield: Look, officer, it's not my entire life that's out of control. Just Mondays. (He is rewarded with a threatening stare and a club pat from the officer.) Yeah, that sounded better in my head. I'll work on it.

(Title card: The Monday Project)

(Morning. Garfield is taking a walk to Odie's residence.)

Garfield: Alright, first things first, I should be nice and congratulate Odie on his inheritance. (Sees the sign - "HOME OF ODIE, RICHEST DOG EVER"... much to his dismay) Couldn't do this on a Tuesday, huh?

(Inside the house)

Agent: Mr. Odie is right through there. (Moves aside to show Odie.)

(EXTREME close up of Garfield's face as he makes his monologue, without noticing he's kicking Odie right in the tail...)

Garfield: Oh, boy. There's Odie. It would be so funny to kick him now, but nope, I don't do that anymore. I'm just gonna shake his hand and--

Agent: Sir, you're gonna have to leave!

Garfield: Huh? Why?

(Zoom out to reveal Garfield has been kicking Odie like old days. Strike One!)

Agent: Because you've been kicking Odie for 5 minutes now!

Garfield: (Stops kicking) Oh. (Back at the Arbuckle Residence...) Alright, not the best start. On to Round Two. (To Jon) Jon, I destroyed a lot of your things over the years, so to say "I'm sorry", I've arranged for you to meet the cast of your favorite reality show.

Jon: Antiques Roadshow?

Garfield: Oh. I thought it was Honey Boo Boo.

(CRASH! Enter Honey Boo Boo and her Mom in their car, annihilating Jon's drapes and plant. Strike Two!)

Jon: My drapes and my other plant!

Honey Boo Boo's Mom: Dang, you've got a short driveway.

Honey Boo Boo: Hi Snoopy!

(Cut to the Kitchen. Garfield takes a walk through the table to his Chubb-O's.)

Garfield: I let down Odie, I let down John, but I will not let myself down. I'm sticking to this diet.

(Heckuva time for Jon to show up.)

Jon: Look! Across the street!

(Garfield looks out the window to see the World's Best Lasagna Fair being hosted there.)

Jon: It's a Lasagna Fair!

(Strike Three - Garfield's OUT!)

Garfield: That's it! Time for Rampage Part 2: Electric Rampage Rampage.

(And with that, Garfield goes berserk once more, starting with ripping Jon a new one. Breaking out of the window, Garfield marches to the Lasagna Fair, with hostile intent, smacking off a Lasagna plate and clawing a sign half off (forgive the pun). Just then, a bystander runs afoul of Garfield running around.)

Bystander: Look out! Heathcliff's gone crazy!

Garfield: Ohh, that is it.

(Garfield unsheathes his claws and gives the bystander a sound thrashing. After the foul deed's done, Big Orange finds himself on the ground, panting and tired out after all that time wreaking havoc. Enter Jon.)

Jon: Garfield! You said you had changed!

Garfield: It's not my fault. It's Mondays.

Jon: Why do you even hate Mondays? You're a cat! You don't go to school, you don't work... what difference does it make to you?

(Garfield gets up and dusts off.)

Garfield: You know why I hate Mondays? Because MAD is no longer on Mondays. I'm gonna miss that moronic piece of food.

Jon: I think you're thinking of Annoying Orange.

(Garfield takes his TV Guide out and does a flip around... eventually finding the MAD page.)

Garfield: Oh. So I was. Man, I hate Thursdays.

[END]

(Bilbo raps with Gollum.)