The Vacation


 * …Some say it was a military experiment gone wrong. They say he roams the desert, feeding off lost strangers. They say he has the body of a cougar, the wings of a bat, and the head…of a duck!
 * Guys, guys, guys! Please save the campfire stories for the campfire. You’re going to give him nightmares.
 * Okay, my turn! [Holds a flashlight under her face] There was once an old- [Richard puts a marshmallow over it] Dad, we’ve been over this. It’s not a real fire.
 * [Turns on flashlight] “Dad, we’ve been over this,” neh, neh, neh.
 * There was once a pickup truck following a man for hours and hours down an empty highway. The man slowed down to let the truck overtake him. When the truck pulled the level, the window rolled down and the man realized the truck had no driver!
 * Okay! I’ve got one! There was once a very hungry hitchhiker who was lost at night. He saw some light coming in from a house, so he walked in but found it deserted except for one fridge. He slowly opened the door and realized the fridge was empty! [Screams in horror]
 * Dad, that was about as scary as being chased by a swarm of butterflies.
 * Yeah, or a street gang of kittens.
 * Hmph!
 * Don’t worry, Mr. Dad. Grown-ups can’t tell scary stories.
 * Oh, really? Then what about the tale of the 16-hour shift-with no paid overtime?!
 * Mom, face it. You can’t tell horror stories.
 * Yeah? Well, maybe when you kids grow up, you’ll know how scary financial pressures can be.
 * Don’t worry Mrs. Mom. It’s not your fault you’re boring. It’s because you’re old.
 * Richard, flashlight!
 * [Shines flashlight in Nicole's face]
 * Higher, that’s not a flattering angle. In a car driving through the desert, just like this one, there was a family just like ours.
 * [Screams]
 * Richard, that’s not the scary bit. They were heading on a camping trip when they broke down in the middle of nowhere.
 * A strange old man living in a derelict gas station helped them out and suggested they stay for dinner, and as he grinned at them with a toothless smile, they realized that the main course… was them!
 * Now we’d better hope we don’t break down.
 * Boo-yah! Who’s boring now?
 * You really nailed it with the fake breakdown. I wish I was still wearing diapers.
 * Okay. Let’s get back on the road.
 * So, you’re gonna laugh at this.
 * Oh, calm down!
 * But it’s just like in the story!
 * Some toothless old guy’s gonna eat my brain!
 * Gumball, please calm down. I’m sure it’s nothing.
 * Richard, why is the engine compartment full of marshmallows?
 * Nicole, I think you mean the front trunk.
 * Okay. This is not going to ruin our family outing.
 * Here. There’s a garage a mile north. Richard, go get help.
 * Okay. I’ll go when my marshmallow’s done.
 * [Yelps] Alright!
 * Thank you, honey!
 * Oh. I’m supposed to be on vacation, you know.
 * Richard, you don’t have a job, you’re always on vacation.
 * Ohhh…
 * Dad, did you find a mechanic?
 * No. I think there’s something wrong with the compass.
 * Richard, show me that.
 * It’s a watch. You've been following it in a circle for 12 hours.
 * I’m so dehydrated I can’t even cry!
 * It’s okay, the sun’s going down. It’ll be dark soon.
 * Just in time to get eaten alive.
 * Long way from home, ain’t ya?
 * Oh, it’s okay! He’s not toothless.
 * Thank you, sir, but we have roadside assistance. I’ll just use my cell.
 * You can try calling for help, but you won’t get none. There’s no signal here.
 * [Laughs] Please excuse me for a second. I don’t suppose you could help us, could you?
 * Sure, but we better go soon. We don’t want to miss dinner!
 * Okay, he’s toothless now. Time to panic.
 * Kids, stop staring at him!
 * But mom, it’s the guy from the story.
 * No, don’t be silly. Thank you again sir, this is very kind of you.
 * Don’t worry about me. I’m just working up my appetite.
 * We’re being pushed to our doom!
 * Really, really slowly.
 * Look, just because he matches the story I made up doesn't mean he’s a psycho, even if he is obviously, you know, dentally challenged. And, anyway, I’d be very surprised if we ended up in a derelict gas sta- [Notices that they have reached a derelict gas station]Oh. What do you know?
 * Here we are! Your final destination.
 * Really? He lives in a gas station? Come on!
 * It’s just an assassination [Catches herself midsentence] An obliteration-an extermination- [Sigh] I mean a coincidence. How about you guys just go stretch your legs?
 * I don’t like this, dude.
 * Me neither. We should watch our backs.
 * That’s much better.
 * That one looks like it’s angry at both of us at the same time!
 * He stuffed all of his animals, and his mom!
 * WEELLLLL!!!....
 * ...come.
 * Mom, we got to get out of here now!
 * Yes, about that. Apparently the engine is...caramelized.
 * Caramelized. Awww. Mmmm.
 * He can’t fix it. We’re stuck here. But the good news is he says he’ll have us for dinner.
 * Can you guys stop screaming every five minutes?
 * [Lowers car window] Actually, we’re doing a silent scream. We need to save our voices for when he eats us!
 * You guys are being ridiculous, scaring yourselves with narrow-minded assumptions about country people.
 * Big brain for such a small thing. I like that.
 * [Zooms into car] We got to get out of here now!
 * [Angrily] Alright, that’s it! I only get five days off a year! We already wasted Christmas when you decorated the house with whipped cream instead of fake snow!
 * Merry Christmas!
 * Uh, how much cream did you eat?
 * Then there was the Fourth of July.
 * Be careful, Richard.
 * Then your mother’s visit.
 * After you drop me at the mall, go to the grocery store and buy me a melon, not too hard, not too soft. Then pick me up at 2:30, don’t be late. I have a 3:00 pm appointment at the beauty parlor. And by the looks of you, you could do with an appointment yourself. [Nicole gets very annoyed] Then you need to collect my...
 * And let’s not forget Halloween!
 * Happy Halloween!
 * Aaaah!
 * [Gasps] Richard?!
 * There’s some liquid in my lungs.
 * So I am not going to ruin this by listening to your crazy assumptions! We said we were going camping, so we. Are going. CAMPING!!!
 * [Calmly] And it’ll be nice! Thanks for the hospitality sir. Could you just let us know when dinner’s ready?
 * Oh don’t worry. You’ll be the first to know.
 * Mmm, Caramel.
 * If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!
 * If you’re happy and you- oh come on, guys!
 * Just because an ugly man lives in a terrifying shack in the middle of nowhere... with his mother... and a bunch of stuffed animals, and, uh, he’s holding a saw and he’s dug five holes that exactly fit our sizes and, uh-
 * It’s dinner time!
 * Come on, fellas! Let’s eat! [Sees them running away] Who doesn't like pizza?
 * I don’t understand! How can this be happening?! I made it up!
 * Well, next you make up a randomly scary story that comes true, could you please invent a vegetarian psycho who lives near a well-lit police station?!
 * Come back here! Mom made some hot poppers, too.
 * Aaaaah!
 * We can’t run forever! I’m out of calories!
 * And I’m almost out of marshmallows!
 * Look! A head in the road!
 * No! I mean ahead in the road. A car!
 * (unseen): You guys need a ride?
 * Ahh! The fridge is empty!
 * [Door opens showing a small driver] Hm? I guess not.
 * Come back!
 * Kids! Kids, where are you?!
 * Guys. Guys! Where are you?! Guys?
 * I’m here!
 * Yello! Come and get it! I’m ready for ya!
 * Aah! Leave us alone!
 * I have been looking around too fast.
 * Mom? Dad? Help me, I’m scared.
 * [Choked voice] Don’t worry, baby.
 * [Gasps] [Notices it's Richard] Dad? Sorry.
 * Don’t worry honey, dad’s here to save you!
 * Why are you guys running from me?! I’m a nice guy. Look.
 * Get away from my family, you pointy-headed goblin!
 * Mom, chill out! It’s only us!
 * Aaaaah!
 * Dad, chill out. It’s us.
 * Thank heavens you’re alive.
 * Me too.
 * Dad, chill out. It’s Anais.
 * Wait, how did you-
 * Over here!
 * Everybody stop chilling. It’s him.
 * I can’t be having dinner without ya! That’d be just plain rude.
 * There, in the distance. A house!
 * I don’t understand.
 * Well, you sure got me running there. That’s gonna be a dinner well deserved.
 * Please, I beg you, let us go!
 * Oh, I see you guys found the restroom.
 * Restroom?
 * Well, you know. To “powder your nose”?
 * Why are there five of them?
 * One each, for privacy.
 * So you mean you’re not gonna eat our brains?
 * If I was after brains, I wouldn’t go chasing you folks.
 * Hey, wait a minute.
 * Thank you for your help sir.
 * We’re really sorry for thinking you were a psycho.
 * You have to admit, you guys look like a bunch of weirdo mutants. I mean, the stuffed animals, the screaming, the saw, your mom...
 * What did you just say about my mama?
 * Nothing! Bye!
 * See? I told you I made it all up.
 * Yeah, we knew there’s no such thing as a haunted pickup truck.
 * Yeah, or a mutant desert monster.
 * Ahh! The fridge is empty!
 * [Door opens showing a small driver] Hm? I guess not.
 * Come back!
 * Kids! Kids, where are you?!
 * Guys. Guys! Where are you?! Guys?
 * I’m here!
 * Yello! Come and get it! I’m ready for ya!
 * Aah! Leave us alone!
 * I have been looking around too fast.
 * Mom? Dad? Help me, I’m scared.
 * [Choked voice] Don’t worry, baby.
 * [Gasps] [Notices it's Richard] Dad? Sorry.
 * Don’t worry honey, dad’s here to save you!
 * Why are you guys running from me?! I’m a nice guy. Look.
 * Get away from my family, you pointy-headed goblin!
 * Mom, chill out! It’s only us!
 * Aaaaah!
 * Dad, chill out. It’s us.
 * Thank heavens you’re alive.
 * Me too.
 * Dad, chill out. It’s Anais.
 * Wait, how did you-
 * Over here!
 * Everybody stop chilling. It’s him.
 * I can’t be having dinner without ya! That’d be just plain rude.
 * There, in the distance. A house!
 * I don’t understand.
 * Well, you sure got me running there. That’s gonna be a dinner well deserved.
 * Please, I beg you, let us go!
 * Oh, I see you guys found the restroom.
 * Restroom?
 * Well, you know. To “powder your nose”?
 * Why are there five of them?
 * One each, for privacy.
 * So you mean you’re not gonna eat our brains?
 * If I was after brains, I wouldn’t go chasing you folks.
 * Hey, wait a minute.
 * Thank you for your help sir.
 * We’re really sorry for thinking you were a psycho.
 * You have to admit, you guys look like a bunch of weirdo mutants. I mean, the stuffed animals, the screaming, the saw, your mom...
 * What did you just say about my mama?
 * Nothing! Bye!
 * See? I told you I made it all up.
 * Yeah, we knew there’s no such thing as a haunted pickup truck.
 * Yeah, or a mutant desert monster.
 * Please, I beg you, let us go!
 * Oh, I see you guys found the restroom.
 * Restroom?
 * Well, you know. To “powder your nose”?
 * Why are there five of them?
 * One each, for privacy.
 * So you mean you’re not gonna eat our brains?
 * If I was after brains, I wouldn’t go chasing you folks.
 * Hey, wait a minute.
 * Thank you for your help sir.
 * We’re really sorry for thinking you were a psycho.
 * You have to admit, you guys look like a bunch of weirdo mutants. I mean, the stuffed animals, the screaming, the saw, your mom...
 * What did you just say about my mama?
 * Nothing! Bye!
 * See? I told you I made it all up.
 * Yeah, we knew there’s no such thing as a haunted pickup truck.
 * Yeah, or a mutant desert monster.
 * What did you just say about my mama?
 * Nothing! Bye!
 * See? I told you I made it all up.
 * Yeah, we knew there’s no such thing as a haunted pickup truck.
 * Yeah, or a mutant desert monster.
 * Yeah, or a mutant desert monster.