Brian's a Bad Father


 * Quagmire: [to Peter] You can't even walk and chew gum at the same time!
 * [cutaway to Lois walking on the sidewalk]
 * Lois: Come on!
 * [pull out to reveal Peter chewing gum while lying down on his face]
 * Peter: I'm doin' somethin'. [chews] One thing at a time!
 * [cutaway back to bar]
 * Quagmire: DAMN IT, PETER, THAT'S IT! I AM DONE! I'M DONE WITH YOU! I'M DONE WITH ALL YOUR CRAP, I NEVER WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN! THIS FRIENDSHIP IS OVER! [leaves]
 * Peter: Well fine! I don't need your friendship anyway.


 * Peter: Now this is a gun without a safety.
 * [Peter's gun shots Quagmire, who screams in pain]
 * Peter: Quite the difference, huh?
 * Quagmire: DAMN IT, PETER, YOU SON A BITCH, YOU SHOT ME!
 * Joe: Oh my god, Peter, that must be the dumbest thing you're ever done.
 * Peter No. The dumbest I ever did was open that can of Whupass


 * Peter: All right, Quagmire, I have given this a lot of thought. I need you to shoot me in the arm and we can be friends again.
 * Quagmire: Okay.
 * Peter: [after realizing what he just told Quagmire] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, I was supposed to offer, and then you were supposed to say, "No, Peter, I'm not gonna shoot you, although I do appreciate the gesture."
 * Quagmire: Hand me the gun, Peter.
 * Peter: I, uh, pass the test?
 * Quagmire: No, Peter. I'm gonna shoot you like a dirty animal.