D.J.'s Choice

[The opening teaser:]

Michelle: OK. Safety at the playground today, boys. I'm going to teach you how to swing without anyone pushing you.

Alex: Impossible!

Nicky: Can't be done!

Michelle: All you have to do is pump your legs. Watch me, and do what I do. Come on, boys. [She leads them to the coffee table and they all sit down. Suddenly, she rubs her nose, so they rub theirs, which shocks her, so she talks like their dad (or her uncle).] Not everything I do, huh? Just the leg pumping. Now swing your legs in... and out. In... and out. In... and out. [Soon, the boys are following her every move so they get the knack.]

Alex: But we're not going anywhere.

Nicky: Told you it can't be done.

Alex: She's cuckoo.

[Michelle just shakes her head.]

[Becky, Danny, Michelle, and the twins visit the local playground.]

Michelle: Let's hit the swings! [Then, she sees that the playground "took a hit". A big one, as shown in a wide shot of the damage.] My playground!

Becky: [in disbelief] What a mess.

Alex: Michelle, who did that?

Michelle: I'll tell you who did that... Dad, who did that?

Danny: I don't know, Michelle. Unfortunately, there are people out there who take out their anger on other people's property.

Nicky: Shame on them!

Alex: Double shame!

Becky: You said it, guys.

Michelle: I wanna go home, Dad.

Danny: OK, honey. Let's go. [And they all go home, with a zoom-out to the entire damaged playground.]

[Back home, the rest of the family is in the kitchen as Danny is finishing up a phone call to City Hall.]

Danny: Alright, thanks a lot. [He hangs up.]

Joey: So Danny, what's the word from City Hall?

Danny: Well, the word is there's 65 vandalized playgrounds that have to be fixed up ahead of us. They're still cleaning off park walls that say 'Disco sucks'.

Michelle: No playground?! Nicky and Alex will never learn to pump.

Jesse: Oh, yes they will [learn]. If the city's not gonna get involved, then I say we take some action ourselves. Every kid in America has the God-given right to pump.

Danny: You know what? He's right. We're gonna get the whole neighborhood to help rebuild that playground. The slides will be 'slidier', the monkey bars will be 'monkey-er'.

Jesse: 'Monkey-er'?

Danny: You get the idea. This is gonna be the best playground any kid's ever played in.

Joey: Yeah, with big, wide, sturdy swings with plenty of room, so the chains don't squeeze your car keys into your thighs. [Danny, Michelle, and Jesse all look at him in disbelief.] Well, 'cause kids hate that.

[Joey is hammering and Jesse stops him.]

Joey: This hammer's a lot heavier than I thought.

[Jesse bites on Joey's hand, causing him to surrender control of the hammer.]

Jesse: This happens to be a Katsopolis‎‎ family hammer, okay? My great-grandfather used it to build his house in Greece. He then passed it down to my grandfather, who then passed it down to my father, who told me never to let you touch it. I love this hammer.

Joey: Okay, alright, fine. I'll just go crank up the power saw. Unless you have some bizarre family attachment to that piece of hardware too.

[Danny arrives from picking up more supplies.]

Danny: OK Jess, I've picked up the supplies. I also put together this spiffy construction outfit. How do I look?

Jesse: Like one of the.

[Joey uses the power saw but, unfortunately, doesn't know that Jesse had put his hammer on the slab of wood and then saws without looking.]

Joey: Oh no.

Jesse: Did I just hear an 'Oh no' from a man with a power saw?

Joey: Oh, uh, no.

Jesse: What happened?

Joey: Well, I just took off a little piece of my finger. Ow! [showing his hand, but bending one finger.]

Jesse: As long as nothing happened to my hammer. [He picks up the head, but notices that most of the handle's missing.]

Joey: Jess, don't panic. It-it was an accident, alright? Uh, you can still use it. You can use it for, uh, uh, small things, like uh, like thumbtacks! [He does a small Popeye laugh, and demonstrates.]

Jesse: [as he snatches the hammerhead out of Joey's hand] Thumbtacks! You know what? I'm not gonna kill you. I'm not gonna kill you right here. You know why?

Joey: 'Cause you forgive me.

Jesse: No. Too many witnesses. [He chases Joey.]

[Danny gets ready to test the teeter-totter, with Stephanie on one side, and Kimmy on the other.]

Danny: Let's try 'er out.

[Kimmy goes down while Stephanie goes up; Stephanie tries to go down but to no avail.]

Stephanie: Uh, Dad, great teeter, but I'm not seeing much totter.

Danny: Okay. [pushing down on it, to no avail] Kimmy, did you gain weight?

Kimmy: Yeah, [sarcastically] I'm up to 260 now.

Danny: Must've over-tightened it.

Becky: Let's all push together.

Danny: Alright, on three. ... Three!

[He, Becky, and D.J. all push down hard, sending a screaming Kimmy flying into a tree. Everyone watches this with shocked looks.]

Becky: Excellent dismount! She really nailed that landing.

[The 'boyfriends' have a fight with each other over who really 'blew it'.]

Viper: I blew it.

Nelson: No, I blew it worse.

Viper: No, no, no. I blew it worse.

Nelson: Definitely me.

Viper: No, no, no! Don't tell me you blew it worse!

[They keep going on until Frankie steps in this time.]

Frankie: Guys, guys, guys! You both blew it worse. I still get paid, don't I? [He leads them out of the park before another fight can even break out.]

[The closing-credits scene, as everyone comes through the front door:]

Michelle: What a great day!

Danny: It really was. It was great. We got to rebuild the playground. I got to use my tools. Look at this, everybody: Frankie Valli even autographed my hard hat.

Becky: Wait a minute... where's Joey?

Jesse: Joey? Oh, Joey. Well, we had a little spat over hammers, and I had this little staple gun, and... I'll be right back. [He goes out to get Joey.]

[Cut to a zoom-up of Joey's hand and slowly zoom out to reveal him stapled (his clothes) to the playground fence.]

Joey: Jess?!... OK, Jess, game's over! [A dog comes right by and stops under Joey's feet.] Good dog. Good doggy. [The dog sniffs him.] Good dog--Oh, don't even think about it! [He motions his head.] There's a fire hydrant over there. [But the dog just licks the back of his shoe.] Oh, oh, oh. Is that wet? Oh! [He drops his head in defeat, almost hitting the fence.] Jess!