As Seen on TV

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "As Seen on TV" from season three, which aired on March 8, 2002.

Plot
[Mr. Doodles is sniffing some coral]

Mr. Krabs: C'mon, Mr. Doodles. We haven't got all day. We've got to get down to me favorite restaurant. Mine. Where we're shooting our first ever Krusty Krab commercial. After this commercial airs, we'll be swarming with customers. I can already feel myself sweatin' money.

[Mr. Doodles barks]

Mr. Krabs: No, I got Squidward organizing the whole thing. He's...ya know...artsy. What the...? This looks expensive. Out of my way. Coming through. Move it or lose it. Squidward!

Squidward: What?

Mr. Krabs: What in Neptune's name is going on?

Squidward: We're making the commercial, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: What you're doing is throwing away me money! I told you to rent, only, what is absolutely necessary.

Squidward: This is all necessary.

Mr. Krabs: Then what's all this useless junk.

Squidward: That's the useless junk for scene, uhh, 28.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, well, then how do you explain that? (Pointing to 2 Krusty Krabs) A 2nd Krusty Krab?

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, everyone needs an understudy. (showing 2 Mr. Krabs)

Mr. Krabs: Well, you got me there. But why do we need him? (Pointing to a clown)

Squidward: This job gets very stressful, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: All right, get lost, all of ya. You're fired. Go on. Scram. Get out of here, you moochers. That's right, keep moving. Except you, you stay. (Clown makes noise)

Squidward: Well, this is just great. Now we've got no crew to make the commercial.

Mr. Krabs: What are you talking about, Squidward? We got the cheapest crew in the world. You, me, and SpongeBob. Speaking of which, where is the little barnacle?

SpongeBob: (underground) I'm down here, sir.

Mr. Krabs: What are you doing, lad?

SpongeBob: Squidward said I could help by burying myself!

Mr. Krabs: Quit fooling and come on out. I need you to be in the commercial.

SpongeBob: (gasps) Me? In the Krusty Krab commercial? Me!

Squidward: But, but, but, but, but, but, but... Mr. Krabs: Don't throw your buts at me, Mr. Squidward. We got a time table to keep. This thing airs tonight.

SpongeBob & Squidward: Tonight?!

Mr. Krabs: Yup, I got a sweet deal on prime-time slot. Narrator: 3:28am

SpongeBob: It's almost on, Gary.

Gary: (yawns) Meow. SpongeBob: Yeah, I got butterflies, too. This is the most exciting thing to happen in the history of history. (TV shows wild west show. Then shows KK commercial)

SpongeBob: Look, Gary! It's on!

Start of commercial--

Pearl: Oh, Jen. I've got a real problem

Squidward (Jen): What's your problem, Amy?

Pearl (Amy): I've got all this money and I don't know what to do with it and I'm hungry.

(Mr. Krabs is laughing off-set)

Pearl (Amy): Who's there?

Squidward (Jen): Where's that coming from?

(Purple smoke appears)

Amy and Jen: Yippee, it's Mr. Krabs

Mr. Krabs: That's right, Amy. I heard all about your little problem and I'm here to help. Follow...me!

Amy and Jen: Where are we?

Mr. Krabs: Why, we're at none other than The Krusty Krab.

Amy: Did you say Krusty Krab?

Mr. Krabs: That's right, Krusty Krab. Home of the world famous: Krabby Patty!

Jen: What's a krabby patty?

(Mr. Krabs jaw drops)

Mr. Krabs: Why it's only the most mouth-watering appetizing food in the seven seas.

SpongeBob: There I am Gary! There I am!

Mr. Krabs: We start with a fresh patty, grilled and juicy. Add some crisp undersea veggies and cheese. Topped off with secret sauce and some bun. Voila! A krabby patty.

Amy: I want a krabby patty.

Jen: Me, too.

Mr. Krabs: How do you like them krabby patties, girls. (laughs)

Amy & Jen: (thumbs up)

(Mr. Krabs still laughing)

SpongeBob: Look, Gary, there I am again. Look!

Mr. Krabs: Two more satisfied customers. So why don't you come on in, and have yourself a krabby patty today.

All: The Krusty Krab: Come Spend Your Money Here!

End of commercial--

SpongeBob: That was the best 60 seconds of my life! Well, time for bed.

SpongeBob: Time to go do my favorite thing at my favorite place. (humming)

Old Man Jenkins: Hey, you!

SpongeBob: Top of the morning, oldster.

Old Man Jenkins: Hey! I saw you on TV last night. (Then a flashback shows that Old Man Jenkins was actually watching a brandflakes commercial and saw the yellow box.)

Announcer: New, Bran Flakes. Bold, new taste. Bran Flakes.

SpongeBob: You did?

Old Man Jenkins: Yeah. You were on a commercial.

SpongeBob: You're right! Wow, he recognized me.

Old Man Jenkins: Yup. See ya later, Bran Flakes. What a nice cereal box.

SpongeBob: (talking to self) "Weren't you that guy on TV?" Yes! I am that guy. (laughs) How kind of you to notice. Weren't you that guy on the television last night? Yes, that was me. I... (runs into Peterson)

SpongeBob: Oh, please excuse me, sir.

Peterson: Oh, that's quite all right, uhh, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Wow. I'm getting recognized all over. Why next thing you'll know, people are going to start doing things like holding doors open for... (gasps) Why, sir, I'm flattered.

Peterson: Oh, really? I don't smell anything.

SpongeBob: (laughs) You're on your way.

Fred: Excuse me, sir, can I get a napkin?

SpongeBob: Why of course, good sir. And next time, feel free to approach me. It most be so degrading to ask across the room. And who am I making this bad boy out to?

Fred: To my tail fin. I'll get it myself.

SpongeBob: F-I-N. There we are, darling. Hmph. Looks like shyness got the best of him.

Squidward: There you are, SpongeBob. I need you to...

SpongeBob: No problem, Squidward. I got one already made out. Enjoy.

Squidward: To my tailfin? (checks to see if he has one)

SpongeBob: Yes I am that guy on TV.

Tyler: Hey, look!

SpongeBob: Please good people, no photos at work.

Tyler: Here's the ketchup.

SpongeBob: Well, maybe just one. (poses) Another one? Ok. Limbo. And now, the, uh, oh, I got it.

Mr. Krabs: There you are, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Yes, pilot.

Mr. Krabs: I need you to...(gets hit with mop)...OW! (finger breaks) Alright, boy. Get in there and scrub the head and stop acting so predictable.

SpongeBob: I'm so misunderstood. Alas, good people, even the brightest of stars grow weary and I am no exception. But I will shine again after a quick break in my quarters. You've been beautiful. (we cut to Dale and Lou in the restroom)

Dale: Hey, were you able to catch Glenn the Pinkfish on Flounderman last night?

Lou: No. How was he?

Dale: Well, I knew that this guy's acting was good, but his singing was phenomenal. I'm telling you, Fendor, if that guy was to cut a solo record, he'd be a hit

SpongeBob: Solo record!

(In Mr. Krabs office)

Mr. Krabs: So, if I fire him and make a successor do twice the work, and...(knock on door)...eh, come in.(in walks SpongeBob and poses like a model) Oh, it's just you, SpongeBob. Those heads better be beautiful.

SpongeBob: They are, Mr. Krabs, and so is mine. And now I gotta lay something on ya, Krabs Baby.

Mr. Krabs: The only thing you better lay is some patties on the grill, Fry Boy.

SpongeBob: Nah, I can't take that gig, Krabber. That phase in my career is over. I'm an entertainer now.

Mr. Krabs: What in blazes are you talking about?

SpongeBob: Come on, Krabs. Let's think outside the box for a second. Commercials are old-half. The people want music. If I could change fate I would, Krabsy. And I'm an entertainer deep down. A people's person. We're on the same page here, aren't we?

Mr. Krabs: Boy, those krabby fumes must've gotten to your head. Borrow Squidward's gas mask and get right back to work.

SpongeBob: (snaps fingers twice) I knew you'd understand. Well, thanks for the start. I'm out of here. (SpongeBob snaps his fingers outside his office)

Mr. Krabs: Oooooh...I've never felt such a strange combination of pity...and indigestion.

Bill: There he is! Hey! We've been waiting for you.

Nazz: Where have you been?

Bill: How long are you going to keep us standing here?

Squidward: Well, SpongeBob? Are you just going to stand there like a half-wit, mouth ungaped? Or are you going to fill these peoples orders?

SpongeBob: Pipe-down Squidward. This crowd looks angry. They're not going to wait any longer. I think I better give them what they need, and fast.

Squidward: I think so, too, or Krabs will fire both of us. On second thought, keep 'em waiting.

SpongeBob: No can do, Squidward. These people demand entertainment.

Squidward: Enter-what?

(SpongeBob grabs microphone)

SpongeBob: How you doing folks?

All: Hungry!

SpongeBob: That's no problem, ladies and germs. 'Cause SpongeBob is here to satisfy.

Squidward: Hey! Bill: Eating here was your idea!

Song: "Striped Sweater"

I'd like to call this little number "Striped Sweater" The best time to wear a striped sweater is all the time One with a collar, turtleneck, that's the kind 'Cause when you're wearing that one...special...sweater... (all yelling)

SpongeBob: Squidward, this crowd is insatiable.

Squidward: Then why don't you back in the kitchen and grab some patties and give them what they came here for!!

SpongeBob: Juggling! Thanks, Squiddy. (crowd booing)

Nancy: Is this some kind of joke?

SpongeBob: They want juggling and jokes at the same time? Tough crowd.

Bill: Oh, now what's he doing?

SpongeBob: Uhh, what do you call a vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank? A cab!

Bill: We're losing our appetites! SpongeBob: Uh, ok. There's a nun, an astronaut, and a hairdryer.

All: We want patties!

SpongeBob: Well, the most I can juggle is three, but the show must go on. Whoa! ((SpongeBob slips and patties flip in the air)) (All) Boo! (SpongeBob) No!!!!!!!! ((talking in his head)) My career is over. All those years clawing my way up. All the people I've stepped on. Wasted. ((patties land on the grill))

Bill: Hey! Finally!

Nancy: That's what we've been waiting for.

(dotted lines form from his eyes to point to patty) SpongeBob: They seem to like it when I put this patty on the grill. I may be able to save this act, yet. Roll with it, SpongeBob. Roll with it. There's more where that came from, folks. (SpongeBob puts a whole ton of patties on the grill)

All: Yay!

SpongeBob: You like that?

Bill: It's what we wanted all along.

SpongeBob: It seems to be working. But how do I follow it up? Buns! It's a stretch, but we've all got to push the envelope, sometime. Ok, folks. How do you like this? (Flips patties inside buns)

All: Yeah!

SpongeBob: I'm breaking new ground. Time to get edgy.

Customers: We want onions! Cheese! Yeah!

SpongeBob: Ready for the grand finale? (splatting)

All: Whoopee! Krabby patties!

Mr. Krabs: Well, SpongeBob, looks like you've finally found your calling.

SpongeBob: I'll say. I'm so glad I gave up fry cooking for this.