A.T. the Abusive Terrestrial

Stan: Good morning USA,

I've got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day,

The sun in the sky has a smile on his face,

And he's shining a salute to the American race,

Oh boy it's swell to say, Good morning USA!

Choir: Good morning USA!!

Chlorine, bromine Crap! Astatine! How could I forget? It has the words"teen" and "***" in it. Steve, you are the worsthide-and-seek player ever! I've been banging around in the dryer for three hours! Feel how soft. Roger, I told you I'm not playing with you. Oh, my God, look what's on Lifetime! Daphne Zuniga in Spooning with Anger. - So? - So?! That's our favorite spousal abuse movie of all time. We gave it even higher marks than Valerie Bertinelli's classic, Please, Kevin. Not in the Face. Leave me alone. I need to bone up on my halogens for the Science Club. Well, you don't mind if I watch it and turn it up as loud as it goes, do you? I'm sorry dinner was late! I love you so much! Why do they stay, Steve? Why do they stay? I can't believe you're still upset. It's been a week. - You called me a pig. - I didn't say you were a pig. I said that dress made you look like a pig. And those shoes didn't help. All your fat, sweaty toes shoved in there like in a giant - shoe. - Stop the car. I'm getting out. Francine, wait, I'll make it up to you. Stan, there is nothing you can do that will ever make me forget this. Nothing, huh? Oh, Stan, the Mr. Pibb factory? - You are not playing fair. - I know. I'm not forgiving you. Mr. Pibb has really seen us through some times, hasn't he? That he has. That he has. Ah, Mr. Pibb the cornerstone of our love delicious, refreshing, and totally lacking in pretension. He's not one of those "Doctor" sodas, putting on airs and flashing around his Ivy League diploma. No, Mr. Pibb earns his paycheck. He's the kind of soda I'd like to have a beer with. Welcome to the Mr. Pibb Experience. Stan. Francine. Evening, Bob. You get the e-mail I sent you with different ideas for Pibb T-shirts? Yes. I deleted it immediately. Classic Bob. Guess what we're doing right now, right this second. - I'm busy. - No, we're playing Detective Agency! I said I've got my science project. Well, then, then at least let me help. No, don't! Check it out. I blinded us with science! - Roger, you ruined - Science! Up high! I've had it with you, Roger! Get the hell away from me! Steve-o, you You can't mean that. I'm I'm your alien. Yeah, well, I don't want an alien. It's not cool anymore. Very well. If you need me, I'll be in the Oh, wait. You don't need me. When I was his alien And the world was young and gay He thought I was as interesting As teddy bears were cute When I was his alien Every day was Tanqueray Every night Bacardi and the twilight Absolut Through the winter and the spring We'd make a game of everything Chowing down on dunkaroos and watching Ricky Lake But now he's older, breaking free He'd rather play with *** than me I can't believe our special bond must break Now I'm not his alien What we had must finally end I'm useless as a car on bricks Atop a redneck's lawn Now I'm not his alien Sadness is my only friend But life goes on. Well, that didn't solve anything. Guess I'll just go out and get hammered. flavored syrup is then mixed with thousands of gallons of water. Bob, would you say this is where they put the "Pibb" in Mr. Pibb? Sure. I wonder if there is a real Mr. Pibb? I'll bet he couldn't handle the celebrity. So he took off and hid from the public eye. But every night, he returns to this very factory to add a dash of magic to every batch. Yeah, they're discontinuing Mr. Pibb. What? The parent company's decided to go in a different direction. This was actually my last tour anyway. Tomorrow I'm having a sex change operation. Now on I'll be living my life as a woman. Stan, how will we face the future without Mr. Pibb?! Don't panic. We'll We'll start a grass roots campaign to save Mr. Pibb. What if we got a million signatures on a petition? The company would have to listen to us then! Right, Bob? Oh, soon, my sweets. I can't wait to get started. But we're just two consumers. How can we possibly do this alone? Oh, Francine, we are not alone. Behold, the Pibbmobile. Shut up! Get out of my bedroom! Hey, Mom, want to help me build a birdhouse out of popsicle sticks? Mommy's smoking, honey. Go outside and play in the dark. Hello? An alien! My very own alien! We're going to be best friends. Your name is Radblaster. Can you say Radblaster? It's okay. I'll teach you how to talk later. Where the hell am I? Oh, God, we didn't - You know? - You can talk? But-but you're an alien! Alien? Don't, don't don't be ridiculous. I'm Bill Cutler, local midday news anchor. Oh, crap. Look, kid, I got to go. And this never happened. It's all a hallucination. You took expired Ritalin. Please don't go. I won't tell anyone. You're my alien, and I'm going to take care of you from now on. No, thanks, I already have an Earth kid doing that and it's no walk in the I can't even get through that thought. I am hung to the over! Give me that juice bag. Oh! Oh! What, what is that, guava? Oh! If you were my alien, I'd play with you all day and never let you out of my sight. So if we were to play, say, hide-and-seek, you'd actually try to find me? Duh! You're the coolest thing I ever saw. Do you really have to go right this second? Well, I guess I could sit down and let you make me some breakfast. Maybe an omelet? Do you know omelet yet? How old are you? What do you know? I can't believe we stole a car. We didn't steal it. We borrowed it for a higher purpose. We've got to get the word out and save Mr. Pibb. Then I only have one question: do you have our tape of hot jams? I have our hot jams tape. Roger! Thank God! Where were you? You didn't come home last night. Oh, I was well looked after, Stephen. I found a new boy. A boy who won me something worth 750 tickets at the arcade. That's more than you make in a year. Wait, does this kid know you're an alien?! Yes, and his heart is filled with wonder by that fact. Unlike some people. Do you know what my dad will do to us if he finds out your cover was blown? Relax. Henry won't tell anyone. Roger, I forbid you to ever see that kid again! You can't keep us apart. You don't know me! You don't know him! Hey, have you seen my Carmex? No? Fine! This is so fun! Steve's too busy with science and girls to play with me. I wrote a song about it. I think it got the point across. - I got you cornered. - Oh, yeah? Whoa, good move! Reese's Piece me. You are so cool. It's about time someone noticed. I can also slow-roast a chicken in my mouth. - I win! - Let's have a rematch. Nah, let's do something else. Ooh, ooh, let's play catch with a koosh ball. I said I want a rematch! Ow! You're hurting me! Let go! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you. Well, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but that's exactly what you've done, because I am hurting, very much so. It's just that I hate to lose and I don't own a koosh ball and I thought you wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore! Hey, hey, don't worry. We all make mistakes. I once took down the better part of a bottle of Amaretto and busted a growler in a museum donation box. Assemble liberal media. As Mr. Pibb, I hereby exercise my Pibbidential authority to declare war on thirst! Any other soft drink is little more than a weapon of mass dehydration. - Is that? - Yes, the couple who are always hanging around the factory. Is the Pibbmobile in the lot? Yeah, it's still there. Oh! Wait, no, that's a That's a Jetta. No, the Pibbmobile's gone. Think, Gordon. How would Mello Yello handle this? We're running out of air, Lieutenant. All the other men are dead and the sonar's shot. All is lost! - Okay, that was fun. - Where are you going? We're 40 fathoms under the sea. - It's getting late. - It's that Steve, isn't it? - You're running off to see him. - Well, I kind of live there. It's no wonder he stopped playing with you. You're so fat and ugly. You're you're as fat as a as a fart! I beg your pardon. You don't appreciate what I've done for you. I made you lieutenant. You were a cook when we started playing. Okay, Henry, take it easy. This is your fault. I have to teach you a lesson. - Home from Henry's already? - Henry has a full schedule today. Did you know he's in Sylvan? His report cards have improved dramatically! Oh, my God, your eye! - Did he hit you? - It was my fault. I disobeyed Captain's orders and jeopardized the mission. Stop making excuses for him! You sound just like Daphne Zuniga from that Lifetime movie. And you remember what happened to her. Oh, my God! She ended up on ABC Family. Well, I'm not going to let that happen to me. - Is Roger here? - You must be Henry. Beat it! Roger never wants to see you again. Hi, Henry. Roger, I'm sorry about what happened. We, we were playing, and I didn't eat anything, and I'm hypoglycemic. That explains everything. - No, it doesn't. - I'll make it up to you. I brought my bike. You can jump in the basket and we'll go play. Don't do it, Roger. You don't understand. He needs me. - Roger! - You come after us, I'll turn him into the government and rat out your whole family. Give it up, butt-face. He's my alien now. This is one sweet ride. What is she, a Huffy? Baby, you treat me so fine! What's wrong with you? You look horrible. I've had this flu for like two weeks. I started to feel better on Tuesday, but then I pushed it - and now I have this darker mucus and - I was talking to Steve. Are you sure you don't want to be a nurse, Hayley? You're so caring. I lost Roger, Hayley. I was all wrapped up in my science fair and I yelled at him, and I drove him right into the arms of a kid who beats him! Oh. I just thought you got like a *** in gym class or something. I don't know what to do. Why does he stay, Hayley? Why does he stay?! Clearly, he's getting something from this kid, he wasn't getting from you. When you have that kind of co-dependency, it can be hard to break free from an abusive relationship. Can I come out of the pantry now, babe? I said I'll get you when I'm ready! And so I say to you, graduates of the Naval Academy, I know that you will all gladly lay down your lives in the pursuit of signatures to save Mr. Pibb for generations to come. Wasn't the keynote speaker supposed to be Colin Powell? No, no, that's him. Mr. Smith, we're from the Mr. Pibb Company. I'm afraid we cannot allow you to continue making pronouncements on behalf of our product. Return the Pibbmobile and we'll keep this matter out of the courts. I see your point. That sounds perfectly reasonable. Run! Hello? He's gonna kill me! You were right! Help! Open this door, damn it! Hang on. I'm coming! Hello? Yeah, everything's cool. Henry and I made up. He asked me to move in with him. Oh, for Pete's sake! I'm coming anyway. Did you enjoy your Steak-Ums, Henry? - Eh. - I'll just clean up then. I know you like a tidy house. Steve! You can't be here! What if he sees you? - We've gotta get you out of here. - I would if only it weren't for the baby. - Roger, there's no baby. - Oh guess I didn't need to give up smoking. Still, you don't know what Henry is capable of. He'll find me, Steve. He'll find me and kill me! - Don't worry. I have a plan. - Well, it's about time. Oh! Oh! The pain! My moaning stems from pain! - What's wrong with you? - Oh, I'm dying, Henry. I need to get back to my home planet. My alien is dying? Cool. Yeah, well, anyway I called my people and told them to pick me up. I had to build an interstellar communication device. Uh-oh. They found us. It's over, Stan. We've failed Pibb. Don't say that, Francine! We'll get through this! We Pibbs are survivors. Hello? Anyone home? You can't treat me like this! I'm Mr. Pibb! No, Stan, this is Mr. Pibb. Mr. Pibb? Is it really you? Yes, Stan. They brought me out of the home to talk to you. First time anyone's come to see me in a year and a half. Well, everybody's busy. This has gone too far. The thirst isn't a war that can be won or lost. It's an ongoing dialogue between man and beverage. But we've based so much of our love on your soda. What are we supposed to drink together once you're gone? Try Pibb Xtra. Its bolder taste and graphics appeal to young adults who are looking to get the most out of life and the most out of their soft drink. Sounds off the hook. But it's not Mr. Pibb. Soft drinks come and go, Stan. It's not the brands that matter It's having some one to drink them with. I didn't fall in love with Mr. Pibb. I fell in love with you, Francine. Whatever beverages the future holds, as long as we're drinking them together, we'll be just fine. So, uh, where's the Pibbmobile? This is the spot? Where's the ship? Uh Whoa they're here. Oh, man, he's never gonna fall for this. Cool! - A real spaceship. - Then again, he is nine. Okay, Henry, gotta go. Thank you. Be good. I'll be right here. You get the drift. My lungs! Wait a minute you're not dying. You were planning on ditching me, and taking Steve with you to your home planet! Okay Uh, Roger. we better get going if you wanna meet your parents for dinner at Space Cocos. Roger, don't go! I swear I'll change. We'll play all day and we'll make a fort out of pillows, and I'll never be too busy for you. You're my alien. Oh, Henry Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! No! God, Roger, what the hell?! You're the most backward-*** advanced life form ever. See! He doesn't care about you. Look, Roger, I'm not gonna make a bunch of promises about how we're always gonna play together and how every moment's gonna be great. And if a girl calls and I think there's a shot at ***, I'm going for the ***. But I will come home and tell you about it. Because you're not my alien. You're my friend, my best friend. All right, I'm sick of this baloney! Now get your fat alien *** in my bike basket! - No! - I said : Get in the basket. I'm not afraid of you anymore! - Ready to go home? - You bet! Well, Roger, it's good to have you back. Thanks, buddy. Uh, Steve, I think you're cleaning your glasses with your mom's ***.