Haylias

Babe, you're having a bad dream. Jeff, you're having a bad dream. No, I'm not. You broke my arm. Oh, God. I had that dream again. And I think I finally know what it means. You broke up with Jeff? It's time to change my entire life. That recurring dream's been trying to tell me. The one where I'm in that creepy classroom. What? I didn't drop that mug because you mentioned that dream. That dream is a warning. Society's trying to brainwash me to conform to color inside the lines, to get married and have babies. I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid anymore. Have you tried it with Splenda? Wait, Hayley. This'll take you off the path to happiness. The path to happiness? Yeah, it starts in Marriage Land and runs through Mommy Town. Final destination, Housewife City, where you watch TV all day long and blame everything on a Mexican woman who only comes on Tuesdays. Yeah, well, I never want to be a housewife. That's why I'm moving to France. - What? - What? I'm gonna live a carefree life with a string of lovers. Jean-Jacques, Henri, Simone. The last one was a girl's name. I'm leaving tonight. Hayley, this is crazy. You're throwing your life away. It's just a stupid dream. Sir, I have to tell her it's not just a stupid dream. She needs to know about Project Daycare. That you let her be brainwashed and trained as a sleeper agent for the CIA? Oh, yes, that's sure to put a puff in her petticoat. I never meant to hurt her. I thought it'd be fun to have a father-daughter spy team. Yes, that does sound like fun. But as we learned from Alias, the idea gets tired very quickly. Look, were you ever briefed on why that project was discontinued? No, but I heard that the agents not deactivated within seven days lost their free will forever. Yes, something like that. Look, just do nothing. Hayley's training will simply lie dormant in her subconscious as long as you never say her trigger phrase. So, what, I just stand by and watch my daughter ruin her life? I'm glad I'm not the only father with a problem child. Smith, this is Senator Shepherd. He'll be joining us for lunch. Apparently, he won me in an auction. - So you have a willful daughter, too, sir? - Willful, yes. Daughter, no. Your senator speaks in riddles. He has a son, Smith. That's not very funny. My God. You guys are still watching that stupid sleuth channel? Are you kidding? This channel is great. It plays all the old detective shows: Starsky and Hutch, Jake and the Fatman. It was a simpler time, when only opposites could solve crimes. This one's called Tex and Mex. Tex is a bull-riding scientist, Mex is a streetwise day laborer. They've assembled all the suspects in the disco. Okay, Trixie, you were doing the hustle under the mirror ball and Bruno, you were Hey, Mex! Put down that taco. It's evidence. Best catch phrase ever. Didi went on break at midnight which means the victim got her cocktail directly at the bar. From Bruno. You said the poison was fast. She didn 't die for an hour. It couldn 't have been me. Unless the poison was frozen in the ice cubes. Unless the poison was frozen in the ice cubes. - We would have made great detectives. - "Would have"? Let's start our own detective agency. Yeah! What should our names be? Steve, first you create the character, then let him tell you his name. - Meet here in an hour with our personas. - Deal. In the meantime, I'm gonna crack my first case. Whatever Steve's persona is I hope it involves rolling his eyes at my clever puns. I tell you, my son has me at my limit. All he wants to do is travel the world, sowing his wild oats. I just want him to get on the road to happiness. The path to happiness. But me too. If only there was a way to control our kids. Well, I've figured out how to control mine. Money. I told Dill he's not getting a dime until he finds himself a gal and settles down. Maybe our kids could settle down together. What's your son like? You can see for yourself. If I know Dill, he's at the gym right now, working up a sweat. It's a nice day for a stroll. And the view is just fine too. Anyway, as I was saying, Mr. Smith after college, I found myself afflicted by a wanderlust that took me round the globe where I feasted on the sweet sticky nectar of life. But then Father called and I had to flutter back to the nest like a wayward jaybird. He's perfect. Roger, you ready for my persona? - What do you think? - I don't love it. - What are you doing in a wheelchair? - I'm Wheels. Together we're Wheels and the Legman. You're the Legman. How can I be the Legman if I'm in a wheelchair? So you see the problem. Nice detective work. - Get out of that thing. You're ridiculous. - I can't. - I was a cop who got shot. - You got shot? That's it? Oh, I suppose you have a better story. My name is Braff Zacklin. I was an international racecar driver. One day, a baby carriage rolled out onto the track so I swerved into the retaining wall to avoid it. The car burst into flames, but the baby miraculously survived. I was that baby. - That doesn't make any sense. - I'm Braff Zacklin! Flight 22 to Paris now boarding. Hayley, wait. Meet the man of your dreams. Dill Shepherd. Charmed, I'm entirely certain. Would you excuse us? I'll just mosey on over to the men's room and see if I can't find a willing foreigner to help me check the sturdiness of the diaper-change table. He's already got babies on the brain. Talk about husband material. I'm pretty sure I'm not his type. - Bye, Daddy. - Hayley, wait. You're making a huge mistake. I won't let you. You won't let me? It's my life, you can't control me. Yes, I could. I could control you completely just by saying one secret combination of words no one in the world would ever utter. Goodbye, Dad. Hayley! I'm getting fed up with this orgasm. Agent Small Wonder activated. What are my orders? It worked. Tear up your plane ticket. Are we almost finished here? Hayley, take the hand of your new boyfriend, Dill. Look aroused. Ten percent more aroused. Scale it back 2 percent. Young love. Ding-dong. Francine, someone's mimicking the doorbell. Hi, Dill. Oh, you brought flowers for Hayley. No. These are for me. They're my walking petunias. There he is. Dill. Fifteen-hundred hours. Ready to go as instructed. Hayley, you're wearing a dress? She looks great in it. Don't you? Yes, I look great in it. Conceited. - Should take a sweater. - I don't need one. - Take a sweater, Hayley. - I'll go get a sweater. Your daughter is as nimble as Johnny Yip, a Taiwanese gymnast with whom I once had the pleasure of sharing an Italian sleeper car. Yeah, that fumble totally handed the game to the Redskins. - Dill, can you give us a minute? - Surely. Stan, what's going on with Hayley? It's like she's just going through the motions. She doesn't really seem happy. You're happy, right? Tell your mother you're happy. - Mother, I'm happy. - See? She's over the moon. Well, I don't know as much about astronomy as you but I'm worried about our little girl. Klaus, I think I might have done a bad thing. I kind of brainwashed Hayley. Yeah, I'm sort of reading. She's a sleeper agent and, well, I activated her. She'll do whatever I tell her. Of course, I feel terrible about taking away her ability to think for herself. But it's only for seven days. Then I have to deactivate her or she'll lose her free will. So I've only got until Saturday at 7:35 to make sure she stays on the path to happiness. I know it seems wrong, but it's for her own good. So that's okay, right? What do you think? I think you only talk to me when there's no one else to turn to. You don't care what I think. You just need to hear yourself talk. I think you're a selfish bastard and I think you can go to hell. Okay. Well, I guess I'll ask someone else what they Yes, why don't you do that? Good for you, Klaus. Good for you. Now, if we were to hire you as the secretary of our detective agency what wacky yet lovable persona would you employ? L I don't know what you mean. Like answering the phone with dirty limericks or constantly talking to the ghost of your dead husband. What the Legman means is Excuse me, I'm Wheels, you're the Legman. I dare you to stand up and tell me that. Nice try. I have three kids. Is this a real job? Shut up. Look, we can't be Wheels and Wheels. The ABC story department would never approve that. Either you be my Legman or I'll find a partner who will. Fine. Me too. I don't have time for this bit. Thank God you're home. Something weird is going on, Stan. Hayley's become a totally different person. It's almost as if something's been done to her brain. Like her brain's been put through some sort of cleaning process. Like it's been scrubbed or rubbed vigorously with soap and water. Brain scoured? Mind polished? Well, something fishy's going on and I'm not gonna rest until I find out exactly what I'm engaged. My baby's getting married! I can't believe Dill proposed. He didn't. I did. Those were my orders. Orders? What do you? Oh, who cares? You're getting married! We'll have a big fancy wedding with doves and napkins. Make sure the wedding happens by Saturday at 7:35. What? But that's four days away. Wait, why would it have to happen by? Oh, who cares? My baby's getting married! I know, I know. This seems extreme, but time's running out. Come on, Klaus, I need you. L - Is that a new bowl? - No. It was new three weeks ago. - I didn't notice. - No, you didn't. It's very nice. Really. Makes you look thinner. Well, thank you. I guess I forget sometimes that you're not just a fish in a bowl. You're a man in a fish in a bowl. Maybe I could be a friend in a fish in a bowl. Stan, I know your heart's in the right place but when you deactivate Hayley do you really think she'll live with the choices you've made? That's the thing. After I deactivate her, she'll think all of my choices were hers. She'll be married to a rich senator's son, on her way to motherhood. Can I ask you something? - You know, as a friend? - Sure. Can you teach me how to read? - Oh, hello. - Hi, there. Allow me to introduce ourselves. Wheels and the Legman. Bill Elliott. 25 years of PI experience. Mostly divorce cases and insurance fraud. He's the real deal, Braff. Allow me to introduce ourselves. Wheels and the Angel. That's right, a real angel. And she can't get back into heaven until she solves 100 cases. But that But you But she That's brilliant. Thank you, Dill, for that lovely poem dedicated to your best man. Stan, you have to deactivate her or she'll be your puppet forever. Do you, Dill, take Hayley to be your lawfully wedded wife in sickness and in health? I do. - You're running out of time. - Come on. And Hayley, do you take this, let's say man to be your lawfully wedded husband? - Stan, it's now or never. - We can still make it. - I do. - I'm getting fed up with this orgasm. What are your orders, Father? Nothing. Please continue. I was too late. Okay, then, you're married. Good luck with that. You may now kiss the bride. Is it mandatory? - Hayley, your mom wants a picture. - Not now. Hayley, I order you to come take a picture. Not now. But seriously, Amy, age ain't nothing but a number. And the number I'm thinking of is $ 100. My, how courting has changed. Smith, lovely wedding. Sir, I need to know the whole story about why Project Daycare was cancelled. Why, because of all the deaths, of course. Good God. You did it. You activated your daughter. Look, sir, I know you're mad, but Deactivate her now. - I can't, it's been over seven days. - What? I'm kind of worried. I thought she was supposed to lose her free will but I just gave her an order and she didn't Smith, get the hell out of there. Green Taurus, chop-chop. The problem isn't that she'll lose free will. She's going to turn on her handler. But I'm her handler. No! A green Taurus. Smith, Hayley was trained to be an unstoppable killing machine and she won't snap out of it until you're dead. Okay, everyone, we're gonna cut the cake. Come on, Hayley, cut the cake. I just wanna make sure Daddy sees this. Oh, yeah, I see it. I can see fine from back here. And now it's time for the bride to dance with her father. Oh, I would, but I have to tip the dove guy. Hayley, I just want you to know, everything I did I did because I wanted to make you happy. I am happy, Dad. I'm not just gaining a husband, I'm losing a father. So after she died in Hurricane Katrina, she was sent down to walk the earth and change people's lives for the better. - Angel, tell him your catch phrase. - Gonna finish that? We're still working on a catch phrase. Wait a minute. What kind of angel eats devil's food cake? - We have to go now. - Nobody's going anywhere. Something about this angel stinks to high heaven. Very nice. - You're crazy. - Am I? You almost got away with it, but nothing gets past Wheels. Especially not people walking behind me in a narrow hallway. My first clue that something was amiss was when Angel asked me: "Are you gonna finish that?" At that moment, I thought to myself: Wait a minute. What kind of angel eats devil's food cake? She's no angel. She's a fraud. Congratulations, you cracked the case, Wheels. - Say it now. - You're on a roll, Wheels. Great. Now laugh and freeze-frame. You can walk? Doesn't this remind you of that ballroom skit on The Muppet Show when they'd dance and tell jokes? Yeah. Except I'm going to kill you. Jewish chair dance. Damn it! Gun! Call for help. Hayley, don't make me Spare your life, because you're part of the family. There's gotta be something in here that'll snap her out of it. Wait. Stop. Remember when you had the chickenpox and I gave you this bear? Congratulations, you did it. Mr. Teddy Bonkers was your handler and you killed him. Mission accomplished. Fuddruckers? Okay, Hayley, I give up. This was all my fault. I never should have tried to control you. You were on your own path to happiness and if killing me will put you back on that path, then go ahead. Just know that I love you and I always will. You're my little girl. If you still feel you can pull that trigger Stan! Are you okay? Yeah. I just had a dream that I was dead. You were, for six whole minutes. - What? - I'm so sorry, Daddy. I guess I was just so stressed rushing into that stupid wedding with that gay guy. I just went crazy. Don't worry, she's much better now. We had the marriage annulled and everything's back to normal. Kitchen's kind of a mess. Can you ever forgive me? So nobody knows why any of this happened? - No. - Then yes, I can forgive you. I'm just glad you're okay, Dad. Hayley, your mother was right. You're a strong, independent young lady and I'm proud of you. And if you wanna go to France, I support you. I don't know. For some reason, I feel like I got all that out of my system. Man, I can't believe I survived a shot to the head. Well, the doctor says you'll have some memory loss but I'll be by your side through every step of your recovery, my friend. Who's the talking fish?