The ReplacemANT

Hey, students. Beautiful day, huh? Everybody psyched about the field trip next week? The Presidio! Interesting factoid. The Presidio was fortified in 1776 when the Spanish made it the military center of their expansion. Dude, don't try to make our field trip all educational. Now I'm going to collect your permission slips. I think I left my permission slip at home. I remember it was in my hand when I went to get some orange juice this morning. Well, at least I know it's in the fridge. Hey, It's Mr. McMillan. No biggie. Uh, sorry, Mr. McMillan, but I forgot my permission slip. You forgot it? You forgot it? I guess what I do here isn't important! "No biggie, Mr. McMillan. " That's what you kids always say. Well, guess what! It is a biggie! Actually, it's bigger than a biggie. It's a hugie! I can bring it in tomorrow. Oh, sure, tomorrow. That's what my girlfriend said, too. "I'll be back tomorrow "To pack up my things!" Last I hear, she's married to some clown. And I mean an actual clown! Just because he has a car! For what it's worth, I'm sure it's one of those tiny cars. Okay. Why don't I go get my permission slip? Maybe that will make you feel better. Here's what will make me feel better. Never seeing any of you irresponsible, ungrateful little twerps ever again! Wait, no! Don't jump! Ow! Who puts rose bushes outside a window? Oh, great, now I tore my pants. Come on! So Who wants some juice? Ooh, ooh Doo, doo Ooh, ooh Doo, doo Whoo! Everybody's got that thing Something different we all bring Don't you let 'em clip your wings You got it You got it We're on fire and we blaze In extraordinary ways 365 days We got it We got it You can dream it You can be it If you can feel it You can believe it 'Cause I am, you are, we are Exceptional Exceptional Yeah, I am, you are, we are Exceptional Exceptional Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh Whoo! Hey, Dad. I have to write a thousand word paper about a neighborhood hero. Well, I am a highly decorated police officer. Of course! Why didn't I think of that? Do you know touch with Batman? Because he's not responding to this. Cameron, that's ridiculous. Batman lives not San Francisco. If you need a hero, what about me? What's heroic about you? Are you kidding me? What do you think I do all day? Yell at us. Complain about how much stuff costs. Scratch your Self. Hey, I'm out there crime every day. ighting. Come with me on a few ride-alongs. You'll get your thousand words. Okay, but I'll probably slip from school. No problem. Just use this one. Way to go, Chyna. You got rid of our coolest teacher. Look, guys, all I did was forget my permission slip. I mean, no reasonable person would ever blame me for this. Chyna, this is all your fault! You have crushed the spirits of one of my teachers. That's my job! I don't know where I'm going to find a substitute. Please don't get Mr. Gregory. He dyes his nose hair to look younger. I wish I could hire that loser, but it would be awkward, given our romantic past. Look, it can't be that hard to find another teacher. I mean, Olive's 11 and she knows everything there is to know about history. Good idea. Olive will be the new history teacher. What? Principal Skidmore, I wasn't suggesting No, it's perfect! The little brainiac will save me money. Plus I can skip all those state-mandated background checks. You haven't committed any violent crimes, have you? No. Not yet. I can't do this! I can't teach here! I don't even want to be a student here! You can, and you will. And don't worry. You'll have my full support. If you have any problems at all, just call my panic line. This says "Hair Removal Club Card. " Oh, you're only two stamps away from a free back waxing! Give me that. Calm down, Olive. You're going to hyperventilate. Too late! Fletcher, give me your shoe! Stat! Ew! Don't ever do that again. You could have slipped into a coma. Well, next time, let me! Olive, I'm sure it's only for a few days. You always say history is fun. Well, not Euclidean geometry fun, but a close second. So make it fun! I guess I could try that. Just don't ever make me smell Fletcher's shoe again. Come on, my shoes don't smell that bad. Don't worry. I'll revive him. Whoa! Interesting. That crow is never gonna be able to pick up that shoe. Dad, this is boring. We're staking out a bird. Cameron, police work is 99% waiting, 1% pure adrenaline. It would have been so cool if something happened just then. Nothing ever happens. We've been Attention, all units. We have a 139, repeat, we have a 139 at the corner of State and Van Ness. Unit 51 responding. We're on our way. A 139? Cool! What's that? Breaking and entering? A shoot out? Better! Pedro's is having a lunch special, burritos for $1. 39! Buckle up. This is what we train for. Hello, students. You are getting a new history teacher. I expect that you treat her with the same respect you gave the last teacher. Minus the causing him to jump out a window. And don't worry. You're going to love our new teacher. She's awesome! I thought it was going to be Olive. Trust me, this new teacher totally rules. Good day, my royal subjects. Good luck. What are you doing? I'm doing what you told me. Making history fun. Class, do you know who I am? Wow, Olive. Your outfits are usually out of date, but never this much. I am Queen Elizabeth I. I ruled England from 1558 to 1603. Good times. Olive? I know this may be fun for you, but everyone else? Yeah, not so much. Well, not yet. We haven't gotten to the good part. We'll be reenacting the signing of the Treaty of Commerce. You'll be William Harborne, the first ambassador to the Ottoman Empire. Here's your mustache. Olive, I'm not going to wear this. What did you stick this on with? Mega Glue! From Glueco! "A space-age polymer creating a permanent bond to any surface! "Warning. Do not apply to human" You know, I really don't remember. I'll get you for this. I don't know how, yet, but I can twirl this while I think about it. Trust me, no British Queen was more beloved and respected than I! Help! Help! You have reached Principal Skidmore's panic line. We are currently closed. What? To leave a message for one of our emergency responders, press one. That mailbox is currently full. Goodbye. Spitballs! I mean, how cliche is that? Classics never go away. It's old-school. I've been hit! Friendly fire! Great idea, Chyna. "Be fun. " Okay, new plan. If you're going to be a teacher, you need to take charge. Be a leader. Command respect. Oh, I get it. So, you're saying instead of dressing up as Elizabeth I, I should dress up as Edward II, the brutal and somewhat catty 14th century monarch? No, I'm pretty much saying no costumes at all. You gotta be tough. The things we women do to look good. So, have you finished your paper yet? Finished it? You've given me nothing. All I've done so far is watch you eat. The only arrest I have a chance of seeing is cardiac arrest. Maybe not. See that guy over there? He's a suspicious character. I feel it in my gut. What you feel in your gut is your ninth burrito. I'm telling you, I don't trust that guy over there hanging out by the ice cream parlor. Don't touch my burrito. Ow, watch my sprinkles! Keep your mouth shut and put your hands behind your cone. Dad, he's not a suspicious character. He's a delicious character. Yeah, I was just passing out coupons. What kind of coupons? Buy one, get one free. I'm going to have to confiscate those coupons as evidence. Attention, all units, I got a 2-4-1. I repeat, a 2-4-1. Take your seats! We got a lot of ground to cover! Let's go, let's go. This isn't the march to Macedonia, people. Which, for you ignoramuses, was a very slow march. You think this is funny? You know what funny starts with? "F"! I knew that one. You just didn't give me time to answer. Sorry I'm late. I was at the Library. That is unacceptable. You just earned yourself detention. But after school I have a hair appointment. Also at the library. No talking! Wow, you're really taking control. Good job. I said no talking! But Olive, I was just Nobody cares about what you were doing. And my name is Miss Doyle, young lady. "Young lady"? I'm four months older than you. That does it. You have detention, too! No. Forget it! I didn't even do anything wrong. Miss Parks, you do not want to push me, or Or what? Thank you for coming in to discuss your daughter's behavioral issues. I'm ashamed of you, Chyna. And pulling me away from work? I had a 2-4-1 in progress! It's 4:00 I'm still stuck at school Olive done me wrong Man, that girl is cruel I gave myself some dry-erase tattoos 'Cause I've got the meanest, baddest Low-down, detention blues We've been here a whole five minutes. I think. Is it day? Is it night? It's 4:00 in the afternoon. I just sang it in my song. Did I hear music? I said no jailhouse ditties! Olive Ms. Doyle. Are you really going to make us sit here all afternoon and do nothing? Of course not. You're going to scrape the gum from under the desks. Oh, please. Nobody sticks gum under Ew, one of these has a tooth in it! Deal with it. If you guys are going to act like wild animals, you're going to be locked up in a cage like wild animals. If we're wild animals, shouldn't we be out in the wild? Okay, you'll be locked up in a cage like zoo animals. Actually, most modern zoos have abandoned cages in favor of open-air habitats. Fine, you'll be locked up in a cage like animals in a really bad regional circus. Speaking of which, I went the other night and it is a bad circus. I mean, the dancing bear couldn't even do an arabesque. It's not that hard. All you have to do is put your leg up like this. I know! No circus dancing in detention! Olive is completely out of control. I know, right? She has to be stopped. Wow, for the first time ever, you and I actually have something in common. We do. Yeah. Ugh, this day just keeps getting worse! Look, we need to figure out a way to put an end to Olive's teaching career. I've got it! We'll replace her conditioner with an off-brand version. Her hair will be so flat and lifeless, she'll never want to come to school again. Okay, let's put that in our back pocket and keep thinking. Okay? I don't get it. How do you call Batman during the day? Ooh, you got ice cream! You're eating both? What about me? You saw the coupon. It's two for one. Okay, I'm out of here. I'm doing my paper on Mom. At least she feeds me. I am so, so sorry. Here, sir, you dropped your bag of loose diamonds and watches. Enjoy your ski trip! Cameron, this guy is obviously a burglar! Ice cream cone! I knew this guy was up to no good. Dispatch, this is Unit 51. I caught a bad guy! Wow. My dad is a hero! "Wow. My dad is a hero. " That's only six words. I need a thousand! A picture's worth a thousand words. Good idea, Dad. Okay. Say, "Nothing without your lawyer. " Nothing without your lawyer. Can you text me that picture? Fletcher, don't go in there! The classroom is rigged to make sure Olive will never want to be a teacher again. What did you do? Olive said we were caged animals, so we're going to turn her into a caged animal. I put glue in the lock so she won't be able to get out. That's not the prank. She said we were wild animals, so we're going to show her what a real wild animal is like. Miss Doyle is running late, so I'm filling in. Take your seats. Quit your grumbling. We've got work to do. Oh, Momma Huh. It didn't do that trick in the circus. You put a bear in the classroom? You put glue in the locks! You know, maybe, in the future, we should coordinate our pranks. I can't believe Principal Skidmore fought with a bear and walked away with only a few scratches. Yeah, but I hear that bear is going to be in physical therapy for six months. Great. So now we're stuck with Miss Doyle? Not necessarily. I think I have a new way to get rid of Miss Doyle. All right, everybody, eyes forward, mouths shut! Tomorrow is our field trip, so I'm going to need all the outstanding permission slips. Uh, Miss Doyle, I forgot mine again. You forgot it? You forgot it? As if my job isn't hard enough already. The system is broken! Classes are overcrowded, there's no resources, and the coffee in the teachers' lounge is undrinkable. Not because it tastes bad, but because my mommy won't let me have any. Well, then why don't you just quit? I want my friend Olive back. Who's with me? Who wants Olive back? Okay, let me rephrase. Who never wants to see Miss Doyle ever again? See, Olive? They love you. They do love me, don't they? Okay, I quit. So, you want to do something after school today? After school? Sorry, I have somewhere I have to be. Another day stuck starin' at the clock I never should have put that glue in the lock The bear for the principal And that bear did lose Now I got the minute bad It's got our detention blue