Linkong / Rainbow Dash & Bernstein

[Gettysburg, Thursday, November 19, 1863. Every citizen of the United States are gathered here for this historical moment as the Presidential Train arrives, whistling. The people anticipate this era's current President's speech that will go down in history... though not the way you might remember it.]

Citizen #1: I can't wait for President Lincoln to address the citizens of Gettysburg.

Citizen #2: Quiet! There he is!

Citizen #1: I keep forgetting how tall he is.

Linkong: Four score and seven years ago...

Citizen #2: I keep forgetting his voice is so high.

Citizen #3: I keep forgetting he's a 20 ft. gorilla!

[That's right, ladies and gentlemen: Abraham Lincoln, in the form of King Kong, addressing the citizens of Gettysburg.]

Linkong: '''... And that government of the people, by the people, and run by a giant monster ape, shall not perish from this earth!'''

[Linkong goes ape, unleashing a monster roar and pounding his chest]

Citizen #3: How else are kids gonna be interested in a movie about a dead president?

[Title card: Linkong]

[Inside the White House. Mr. Steven guides Linkong throughout the hall, decorated with portraits of US Presidents, then and now, to an oversized "Presidential Cabinet" door.]

Steven: Mr. President, Congress doesn't trust your ability to lead. For one thing, look at your Cabinet.

[Steven opens the door, revealing that Linkong's "Cabinet" is the Lost World, populated by T-Rexes, Pteranodons, oversized snakes and giga-sized scorpions.]

Linkong: Now, Steven, it's important [Picks up Steven] to fill yer team with people different opinions - a team of rivals, if you will.

Steven: Sure, but... they're just trying to eat you.

[Linkong diverts his eyes to a growly T-Rex gnawing on his arm.]

Linkong: Hmm, yes. [Puts down Steven] Gimme one moment, will you?

[Roaring with fury, Linkong pummels the T-Rex on the head until the dinosaur falls back whimpering. Linkong takes his top hat off and puts it under Steven, covering him]

Linkong: Can you hold it for a sec? [To the Cabinet] Anyone else got some different opinions?!?!

[The presidential ape jumps into the Cabinet jungle and commences beating the prehistoric snot out of the T-Rex. While the beating is in progress, the hat moves away from the door.]

Steven: Help. I can't breathe.

[Eventually, Linkong ends the fight by giving the T-Rex a Jawbreaker.]

[Scene: Outside the Parliament. Linkong and Steven discuss further outside.]

Steven: Congress will never back your bills if you don't spend more face time with them. Let them get to know you.

Linkong: You're the Marshal, man!

[Inside the Parliament, Congress is in session. Everybody present were discussing about the current political situation... when Linkong enters stage right and peeks in the window. Linkong bashes his fist into the window, breaking it and inflicting everyone massive hysteria, then pulling out three Congressmen in his grip for a little... up close and personal meeting.]

Linkong: Hello, Congress, I'm the President!

[After a short paralyzed pause, the three Congressmen scream in terror.]

[Fade in to Appomattox Village, April 9, 1865, where Linkong, who is eating a banana, Steven and the citizens of Appomattox awaiting the arrival and surrender of Confederate General Robert E. Lee.]

Steven: Mr. President. Pay attention. General Lee is about to arrive by train to offer his surrender. All you have to do is nothing.

Linkong: Nothing? That I can do.

[Linkong finishes his banana and throws the peel away and on to the rails. Heckuva time for the train carrying General Lee to come in. In a large-scale application of the classic banana peel gag, the train slips on the peel, catastrophically derailing it, while the crowd looks on in horror and Linkong opens up another banana and gets to chowing. General Lee first sticks his arm out, then climbs out of the window.]

General Lee: Oh, that is it, man! The surrender is off!

[The citizens of Appomattox Village shoot menacing glares at Linkong, clearly unhappy with the national slipup the gorilla has made.]

Linkong: Wait, what?

[Cut to Steven, brandishing his torch, and two of his Congressmen wielding a pitchfork and an axe.]

Steven: President Linkong, we've had enough of you. It's time for an impeachment.

Congressman: A Pitchfork Impeachment!

[The rioting citizens charge towards Linkong, who dashes away. He eventually makes it to the Washington Monument.]

Linkong: You'll never catch me once I climb DC's-- [At a loss for words] ... tallest... thingie...?

[The angry mob catches up to the ape president. Linkong makes a climb for it... only to find out the Monument is still under construction.]

Linkong: D'oh, right! They haven't finished it yet! I hate living in the past!

[Just when things couldn't get any more hectic, in swoops and lands Mecha Thatcher to spice things up. A real bad omen for the citizens of America.]

Steven: AAAAAH! It's Mecha Thatcher - from Season 3 of MAD!

Citizen #4: Of what?

Steven: Just roll with it.

Mecha Thatcher: In the name of England, I, Mecha Thatcher, declare these states recolonized!

[And with that, Mecha Thatcher commences her assault to once again trample America beneath her metal feet, opening fire with her heat vision. Results are expected: heavy destruction, citizens fleeing in horror, complete chaos everywhere. Her heat vision eventually connects with the House of Congress, blasting it into a smoking ruin. Horrified, Steven and the Americans now have Linkong to look up to in this darkest hour...]

Steven: [Demoralized] Not Mecha Thatcher! Please, save us, Linkong!

[Cut to Linkong, standing defiantly on the still-unfinished Monument, delivering a speech... before eventually leaping into battle for the future of the US of A.]

Linkong: The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget [Battle Mode] '''that a giant ape is about to fight a robot lady! AND IT'S GOING TO BE AWESOME!'''

[Leaping off the DC Monument (Yep. Still unfinished.) with hostile intent, Linkong lands on Mecha Thatcher and lands a three punch combo on her before the Iron Giant Lady responses with a throw, sending him flying on the Monument and firing off a heat vision burst, one of the shots barely missing Linkong as he evades. Seeing the Star Spangled Banner, Linkong rips the flagpole off its post and uses it as a staff, blocking Mecha Thatcher's pummeling each motion. The Eighth Wonder of America uses Old Glory as a lance and stabs it straight into Britain's Iron Giant Lady, her eye pupils shrinking out of pain. Mecha Thatcher grabs the flag pole, and then rather... unwisely impales herself further. The damage was too much for Mecha Thatcher to stomach, suffering a complete systems shutdown á lá Terminator, and collapses on the floor, with the Star Spangled Banner flying in the air in triumph. His job done, Linkong proceeds to the Lincoln Monument, wading through the pool.]

Twins: President Linkong defeated Mecha Thatcher, crushed the Robot Rebellion, and signed the Emancipation Proclamation.

[Cut to side view of Linkong making his leave, with the two twin mini-girls on a top hat narrating.]

Twins: They say "History is written by the winners." But the truth is: it is made up by us. Tiny twins who can also summon Mothra Washington. [One short pause later, the Twins sing the summoner's song.] ♪ ''Ley-la... Ley-la la la la... ''♪

[Cut to the full view of Washington DC, in the aftermath of the Linkong vs. Mecha Thatcher battle. There is flaming carnage everywhere. And then in flies Mothra Washington, screeching in the air.]

Twins: ♪ Ley-la... Ley-la la la la... ♪ They're kids, folks. Gooootta keep it interesting.

[End segment.]

Mel: Happy birthday, Wyatt Bernstein.

(The camera pulls back to reveal what looks like the Build-A-Bear Workshop.)

Wyatt: Aww, not the bestie, this is a girl's place! I'm a dude! I like boy things!

Cleo: Come on, Wyatt, there's no reason a dude can't like girly things.

(Wyatt smacks her away.)

Wyatt: Yes, there is, in fact that's the premise of this show, I'm gonna build the manliest, dude-tastical, cool-dude boy thing ever!

(Wyatt starts working away at the computer.)

Wyatt: My bestie will be the coolest, he'll be competitive, and good at sports, and love to play pranks, and take naps, because that's what guys and only guys do!

(The machine farts up a box.)

Wyatt: Awesome, time to meet my new bro!

(Out of the box comes Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.)

Rainbow Dash: Did someone say, "Brony"?

Wyatt: What? No one ever said that.

(Title card: Rainbow Dash & Bernstein)

Wyatt: You can't be the friend I ordered, I wanted someone cool!

(Rainbow Dash flies lying on her back, wearing shades.)

Rainbow Dash: Check.

Wyatt: Who is good at fighting...

(Rainbow Dash kicks/breaks a lamp with her foot.)

Rainbow Dash: Check!

Wyatt: ...and is a remake of a 1980's cartoon show.

Rainbow Dash: Well, unless you see a Snork running around...I'm your new best friend.

(A purple Snork runs around the living room.)

Rainbow Dash: Accept it, I'm your new best friend!

Wyatt: You don't get it, I want someone who can teach me to be a bro.

(A purple puppet wearing a magenta t-shirt pops out from behind the couch.)

Crash: I'll be your bro, I was in that box, too!

Wyatt: Really? I thought you were packing peanuts.

Crash: Nope, I'm alive!

Wyatt: Why... why are you alive?

Crash: I don't know, why are you alive?

(Cricket sounds are heard as all of them glance toward the camera. Cut to Wyatt sitting on his bed with Rainbow Dash in front of him.)

Rainbow Dash: I know you wanted to be a bro. But I can show you how to be twenty percent cooler by being a Bro-ny!

Wyatt: Fine. This might get weird.

(Montage: Several pictures pop up. The first shows Rainbow Dash next to Wyatt watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic on TV. The next shows them looking at a web page labeled "Steam Ponies". Then comes a shot of the two attending a BronyCon. The last one shows Wyatt sitting in between two guys dressed up as Applejack and Rarity. Cut to Wyatt sitting on the porch.)

Singers: ♫ Someday... We can be together... We'll show everyone... ♫

Wyatt: That was ridiculous. I can't believe they wasted a montage on that.

Rainbow Dash: Yeah. Maybe we aren't meant to be best friends. Guess I'll take off. SONIC RAINBOOM!

(She takes off and flies into the air. She performs her signature move, the legendary "Sonic Rainboom".)

Wyatt: That... was... the COOLEST THING EVER!!!

(Rainbow Dash suddenly shows up next to him.)

Rainbow Dash: You mean it?

Wyatt: That was awesome! You are so cool! Come here, best friend.

(They hug each other. Suddenly, Crash pops out from behind a chair that has somehow gotten outside.)

Crash: What about me, Crash the manly puppet?

Wyatt: You... are the worst, get outta here!

(Wyatt grabs Crash and tosses him away. A puppeteer looks up from behind the chair. He looks at his hand.)

Puppeteer: The puppet is gone. The curse is lifted! I'm free! You freed me, you wonderful wide-faced boy! And you, too, Halloween donkey! I'm FREE! Free! Free! Ha ha ha ha! I'M FREE!

(The puppeteer runs down the street. He pulls off his clothes and starts running around in his underwear. Then the scene transitions to the puppeteer asleep in his bed, still wearing Crash the puppet on his hand and talking in his sleep.)

Puppeteer: Free... Free... Free...

(Wyatt, mounted on Rainbow Dash, is standing next to the bed.)

Wyatt: Should we wake him?

Rainbow Dash: Nah. He seems happy. Let's get outta here.

(Rainbow Dash flies at the camera. The end credits start rolling.)