Bald Boyz

1 NARRATOR: Welcome back to "Ask An Astronaut with Captain Stevens. " - Yay! - Yay! Hi. Is Pluto not a planet, 'cause it's just a small rock? No, it's a dwarf planet. - Okay? - Okay. [GROANS.] All right, last question. Hi. I'm Tommy in Old Town. And my question is, you missed a belt loop. Come on, that's not even a question! Ugh. These kids are so stupid Oh. Well, I guess I did miss a belt loop. [LAUGHS.] oh, no! Whoa! Aah! Aah! No! Wha? Ride around town stealin' and killin' is how I get down What? Well, you better be aware, son 'Cause momma named me Sheriff Momma now you got it momma and don't forget it oh, no, I better go m-o-m-m-a Momma named me Sheriff, momma named me Sheriff And we'll be right back with more coverage of Captain Stevens: Tragedy in space. Ugh. Dying in space. That sucks. - Right, Carl? - Yep. See, that's why you're so cool, Carl. You always know what's up. Well, I gotta head home. What? Why? Come on, man. Let's chill. Pam wants me to come by for an afternoon snack. Oh, yeah, I haven't even met your new girlfriend yet. You think she might be the one? Too early to tell. I like her a lot, but I'm not sure how much she likes me yet. - Did you tell her how cool you are? - Uh You told her how cool you are, right, Carl? You gotta tell her. How's she gonna know? Okay, bye. [GROANS.] He's gonna mess it up. Knock-knock. Oh! This sure looks like the kind of place where somebody cool would live. Hello, anybody cool here? - Hello? - Oh. Hey. You must be Pam. I just wanted you to know that Carl's cool. Okay, bye-bye now. Ha! Aah! Freeze! Who the hell are you? Carl. [EXHALES SHARPLY.] My bad, Carl. I didn't recognize you in that wig. - [SCOFFS.] - You look funny, Carl. - Wig?! - Yeah, sorry, I - Uh-oh. - [VOMITS.] I thought you were cool! But you're bald! We are over! Get out! Wow, she really kicked you out of your own house? - Yep. - Goodman, back off. You'll get a new house and a new girl. 'Cause, you know, Carl's really cool. I'm really not cool, Sheriff. Well, when we were young, you were the coolest guy in old town. It's true, I was. But that was before The incident. The incident? Goodman, seriously, back off. Carl doesn't like talking about the day he lost his hair. Oh, sorry. Life's been pretty downhill since then. I tried the wig, but that was a lie. Now I spend most of my time just scrolling through the message boards at baldboyzsadtown. Bald to see if anybody's cured baldness yet. No, nothing yet. Hey! I know a guy who's as smart as you used to be cool, Carl! He could cure baldness. No problem. Hey, blade? Cure baldness. The message boards'll be buzzing about this. Tommy, can you answer some questions - about the space tragedy? - No! No! [GRUNTS.] Hey, Tommy, what's going on? I'm turning myself in! 'Cause people say I murdered the asker-not! But he's still alive. You're not a murderer. Well, I've just received word Captain Stevens is running out of oxygen and will die Because of this murderer. Ohh! Sheriff: Hey, blade. How's the bald cure coming? [COMPUTERIZED VOICE.] I synthesized a potential bald cure and tested it on spider scalps that I bought on the world wide web. Haha, haha. But it still needs the right ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-catalyst. I tried frog urine, egyptian mummy sweat, pretty much everything. But this should do the trick. The juiced beard of a trip hop bassist. Bald cure. You're the man, blade. All right, ready for some hair, Carl? Um, actually, I wanna try it first. Oh, okay. Yeah, I guess the car can go first. Huh? Here you go. [LAUGHS.] Peace! Aw. Damn it, Sheriff. You are one stupid mother fu-fu-fu-fu-fu Fish. [CRIES.] Tommy, wherever Captain Stevens is, I'm sure he'd forgive you. He would? Well, we have him live via satellite. Huh? Captain Stevens, can you tell us where you are? Uh, yes, I'm, uh, heading towards Pluto, which you can see over my shoulder. [GRUNTS.] Huh. I guess that kid was right. Pluto is just a small rock. Seems like pluto is stuck in some kind of wormhole. Uh, hi, Captain Stevens. Could you please tell my son that this isn't his fault and that you forgive him? No. No, I cannot. - Aw. - You heard it here first. Pluto, just a small rock stuck in a hole. And Tommy Goodman, not forgiven. Remote-controlled car, this is the Sheriff. Stop or I will shoot. [LAUGHS.] You'll never catch me! Uh, Sheriff? [BOTH SCREAM.] [BOTH GRUNT, GROAN.] Sheriff: Huh? Stop right there, car! That bald cure is for Carl, not you! - Um, actually - Huh? It's for me now. [LAUGHS.] You're dr. Um, actually, the rapper/producer. Um, actually, that's former rapper/producer or as you might know me, baldboyzsadtown user drumactuallyrulez. - Oh, I thought he was just a big fan. - He was. - He was also me. - Hmm. Once I started losing my hair, I withdrew into my home and never left. Now with this bald cure, I can finally make my comeback. Not so fast! Uh! - Hey, give that back! - No! It's for Carl! Carl, catch! Oh, no! Oh! Ow. Oh, Carl. Uh, something's happening. My scalp is all weird and stuff. [GASPS.] Huh? Uh Ooh! Did it work? - No. - No. [VOICE BREAKING.] Now, I'll never make music again. Who would listen to it, bald people? Sure. Bald people need music, too. - Music For bald people. - Yeah. - I'll be cool again. - Yeah. This'll be the best thing I've done since inventing the tastiest beverage ever, mustard and milk. Ahh. - Ugh. - Ugh. Now, let's make bald rap history. Dying astronaut Captain Stevens has just reached into a wormhole. Captain, what exactly is a worm hole? Nobody knows for sure, but most scientists believe it's a portal through time and space. Maybe you can go back in time and not miss your belt loop so I won't be a murderer. Even at this desperate time, Tommy the murderer taunts his victim. Now, give me the mic, I got somethin' to say We a couple bald boyz and that's okay Being bald ain't great, it could be worse Cross the bald boyz and you'll wind up in a hearse Being bald ain't bad, but we are Being bald ain't bad, but we are Folic-ly, diabolically cursed biologically Follow chronologically and I lay it out Lost my hair, my mop, too much off the top Only curls I'm sportin' now is the ones in my jock Do I care if you stare at my absence of hair? Nope being bald ain't bad, but we are Being bald ain't bad, but we are Now, listen up, y'all, I got a story to share It's about some cool guys who ain't got no hair There's Carl and dr um, actually And one more bald guy, who's that? Me Being bald ain't bad, now I are Being bald ain't bad but we are Bald boyz for life peace Yeah! All right, it's finished uploading and boom! Okay, we're live, guys. Hey, Carl? You ready to be cool again? Oh! Look! Some comments! "Bald losers, you suck. Kill yourself. " Who wrote that? Carl! Sorry. Just wasn't for me. Damn it, Sheriff! You talked me into this embarrassment! Now, you gots to die. [STAMMERING.] Any last requests? Um, um Actually, yeah, can I try some of that mustard milk? Of course. Ugh, it's nasty! Hey, you take that back! Uh, something's happening to my head. Ah! Ah! The mustard and milk. Maybe it was the catalyst the bald cure needed. [STAMMERING.] [ALL GROAN.] Aah! Ohh! ALL: Ohh! I'm running out of oxygen. Wait, there's something in here. "Hair dragon"? Guitar-shaped pizza? Pink underwear. [GASPS.] And there you have it, some underpants and a dead astronaut. Wait a second. I'm getting something. Something's coming his way. It's a Hair? He's headed back to earth On a hair. The question is, where? [GROANS.] Guess I'm bald again. Where am I? Goodman: Sheriff? What's going on here? Not much. What's going on with you? We got a report that there was some loud, kind of crappy music playing. Sorry. Again, just not for me. Look! Captain Stevens isn't dead! Yay! I'm not a murderer! Captain Stevens, are you okay? I am now. Who saved my life? It was a hair from that bald man. Hi. - Oh. - Cool. Carl! You're cool again! I am? Yeah! Being bald ain't bad, but we are Being bald ain't bad, but we are We are! Hey, you Carl's new girlfriends? Did you tell them how cool we are? Hey, we're pretty cool. Yes, we certainly are. And as for Carl's hair, nobody knows just where that wormhole might have taken it. Uhh. Oh, I love this song. Uhh. Uhh. [CLANGS, RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES.] Hey, what'd you do that for, Carl? Rap's cool, but it's just a fad. Glam rock's here to stay. Oh, that's cool. Don't worry, you're cool. Hey, Sheriff? Wanna check out my new band? The record's right over here. Hey, where'd it go? Carl, I saved you a slice of pizza. Pizza's cool. Huh? That's not cool. Whoa. My pink underwear. - Carl? - Gosh friggit! This is very stressful. Don't stress, Carl. It'll make your hair fall out. Okay, theresa. Aw. You're the coolest girlfriend in the universe. Oh, no. Uhh. Aah! No. I'm bald. M-o-a-m-m-a momma named me Sheriff, momma named me Sheriff M-momma, momma, momma named me Sheriff M-momma, momma, momma, momma named me Sheriff Momma, she named me Sheriff