Green Card

- Oh, hi, Niles. - NILES: Hmm? Say, look at this great Mother's Day present I got. - 50% off on the red dot sale. - Hmm. Oh, by the way, here's your magic marker. Every light in this entire house is on. Do you people realize how much energy we're wasting here? Would you just sign my report card? Nice try, Brighton. Oh, B, you failed French. - What are you talking about? I got a "B. " - No, you didn't. You turned the "F" into a "B" with a red magic marker. You know, I am horrified. Fran, you've gotta promise me you won't tell Dad I failed French. You know what a pain he can be. Your father? The most compassionate, understanding, handsome He's standing right behind me. Oh, yeah. That's right, Brighton. And you are getting a tutor. A tutor? Oh, that's not how you learn a foreign language. You gotta go to the country and immerse yourself in the culture. Forget it, Miss Fine. You're not getting a trip to Paris. I tried that when I wanted to perfect my Swedish meatballs. He sent me to Ikea. Now, you know, I might not mind a hot-looking French tutor, some babe in a short skirt, spiked heels, a little accent. Oh, come on, do you think your father's gonna hire a floozy like that to teach his kids? Please. C. ! * And the kids are actually smiling * Such joie de vivre! * She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan * The flashy girl from Flushing * The nanny named Fran! Fran, what are you doing to the blouse you bought your mother? I'm sewing the size in upside down so the "L" looks like a "7". Basically I'm knocking 40 pounds off her for Mother's Day. Better you should give her some grandchildren before she dies. How much did she pay you to say that? Nothing. What do I need? Knock wood. I live in a beautiful mansion, and thanks God I got my health. Oh, can you believe Ma would lay guilt on a little girl just to get what she wants? I want a kid so I could do that, too. Having kids is hard work. I wouldn't know where to start. How about by getting a date? Well, I'll be back shortly. I'm just going out to lunch with a friend of mine. - Okay. - Mr. Wilder. He's getting divorced for the second time. Married a beautiful blond chorus girl. His poor children were so attached to her. Been disinfecting the extension phone again, Niles? Cold and flu season, sir. (GRUNTS) Well, the whole thing's a bloody mess. I'll tell you, I'm not gonna remarry until the children are grown and out of the house. Well, wait a minute. That could be, like, 10 years. I mean, what if you met the right girl? You think she's gonna wait all that time to settle down and start a family? I don't know. If she's the right person, she'll understand. No, she won't. (HORN HONKING) That'll be Mr. Wilder. He bought a new Bentley to hide some of the money from her divorce lawyer. (CHUCKLES) Bundle up, sir. There's just so much I can do. Oh, meanwhile, I gotta spend the whole afternoon interviewing French tutors for Brighton. Well, what happened to the one Mr. Sheffield liked, Nannette? No, no. (DOORBELL RINGS) I'll tell you, it's a good thing Mr. Sheffield put me in charge of this, 'cause unlike a man, I will hire a tutor based solely on their academic credentials. - Bonjour. - You're hired. Miss Fine, it's 85 degrees in here. Why did you turn up the heat? Oh, would you leave me alone? I'm checking out the tutor's credentials. (SPEAKING FRENCH) Il fait chaud ici. Mighty impressive. Vive la France. Oh, croissants. Croissants. I never thought I'd say this to you, but more nasal. Niles, I'm an American. I don't have to put on some fake accent just to impress someone. Allo. Would you care for some croissants? Merci, chérie. (SPEAKS FRENCH) Maintenant Brighton, another time. Once more. With feelings, huh? (SPEAKING FRENCH) Mon chéri, je t'adore. No. No, no. You murder the language. Brighton, say it as though you were speaking to an exquisite woman, huh? Je t'adore. Je t'adore. Je t'adore. Well, honey, even I understood that. Go shut the door. Come on, guys, it's a Saturday. I don't want to be stuck in the house. Listen, Brighton, you're not going anywhere until you pass French. So just plant your little derrière on the chair. Today is a school day. You should listen to your beautiful nanny. Recess. Forgive me if I stare. You have such classic features. You remind me of a Rodin. Rodan, the pterodactyl that terrorized Tokyo? Well, I've been called worse. (SPEAKS FRENCH) Vous êtes très charmante. In my country, a woman as beautiful as you would have a family of her own or at least be responsible for one breaking up. That is so sweet. Perhaps you would like to join me for dinner tonight? Oh, Philippe, that's awfully sweet of you. But it's a little last-minute. I mean, I already made dinner plans. But you know what? Let me just go see if I can change them. Okay? Niles, Niles, cover up the holes on the Lean Cuisine with some tape and shove it back in the freezer. Oh, Fran, you look so pretty. I've never seen you in that dress. Oh, sure you have, honey. This is the one that I always pull out when my relationships start to get a little serious. No. I've never seen you in that dress You made your point, honey. (DOORBELL RINGS) I'll get it. Philippe. Bonsoir, Brighton. He's French. It's cool, isn't it? You know, Fran, maybe I should say hello to Philippe. I mean, I don't wanna be rude. Now, sweetie, this is Brighton's tutor. But aren't you failing Italian? No. Well, don't you think you should be? Yeah. Bonsoir, Philippe. Did you study your French last night? Well, how's this? Did I pass the oral exam? Ah, Philippe, I see you're exposing my nanny to your native tongue. Mr. Sheffield. I'm sorry. I guess I just have no French resistance. Well, neither do the French. They surrendered in every war they've ever been in. That is because we are lovers, not fighters. I believe your employer is jealous, huh? Miss Fine, I believe your date is presumptuous. One thing a Frenchman can spot a mile away is a cuckold. Oh, really? Now, you see, I would have thought that would have been a plate of stinky cheese. - Limey. - Frog. The only good thing to come out of your country is Andrew Lloyd Webber. All right. That does it. Hey, hey, hey. You know, I had a dream like this once. How long do we have to put up with that posturing Frenchman? And why do they let so many foreigners into this country in the first place? Crumpet, sir? Oh, Maxwell, don't be so selfish. Philippe and Nanny Fine are perfect for one another. You know how the French love a fine wine. Well, now he can listen to one 24 hours a day. No sour grapes. You could have foreign men worship you, too. Go to India. You'd be sacred. Why is she throwing herself at him anyway? I mean, it's not as if she's never seen a good-looking man before. I've been known to turn a few heads in my time, right, Niles? You're a brick house. Mighty, mighty. But perhaps Miss Fine has reached a point in her life where she wants a little more. What do you mean, a little more? Well, you know, sir, a little something extra like He proposed! He proposed! that. What? What do you mean he proposed? Well, I knew he was up to something 'cause he started with that "Shut the door. Shut the door. " Miss Fine, how could the man possibly want to marry you? Pardon moi? Well, I mean, he barely even knows you. Well, some people know what they want as soon as they see it 'cause, unlike other people, they are in touch with their feelings and are not afraid to express them. Deux points, deux carats. Just what exactly are you saying? What are you saying? I'm not saying anything. Bingo! Au revoir. What? What's the big news you couldn't tell me over the phone? Happy Mother's Day. (SCREAMS) Are you pregnant? No. Oh, I can't believe that Mr. Sheffield finally proposed to you. Oh, no, Ma. It's not Mr. Sheffield. It's Philippe, the guy that I've been seeing. Someone proposed to you without even meeting your mother? Gee, you know, I never made that connection before. Darling, I don't like this at all. Oh, Ma, you're gonna love Philippe. He is the most passionate, sensuous man I've ever met. You should see him eat a piece of fruit, tearing it apart like an animal, juice dribbling down his chin, wiping it with his sleeve. I'll tell you, he reminds me a lot of Daddy. Sweetheart, don't go by the sex. Don't go by the looks. I made that mistake with your father. The man that I let my daughter marry has to live up to my standards, darling. Bonjour, chérie. My son! Philippe, Ma. Ma, don't scare him. What? Like I don't know how to talk to a person from a foreign country? Hello. I'm Sylvia Fine. Thank you for your lovely statue. We put it in the harbor so everyone could see it. That's good, Ma. Now, it's time to take your el dopa. Hello, Sylvia, how are you? Not kicking myself like someone else in this room must be. Phil, now that we're mishpocheh, family, we have so much to talk about. Morty and I will pay for the entire wedding. Your side will just pay for the food. But don't worry, the Fines are not big eaters. Congratulations, Philippe. Merci, Maxwell. Snail eater. Your queen looks like a man. Are you two at it again? This is getting ridiculous. He got you last. Chérie, we must get ready for the interview for our Green Card. Um Philippe, uh, could you perhaps clear this up for me? If you marry Miss Fine, you get to stay in this country. Is that right? You insult me, sir. I wanted to take her to France to live in my brother's château, but she insisted on remaining here to take care of your children. That's right. The château part was conveniently left out of the conversation, but that's right. Now, about Christmas time, does your brother like mishpocheh around? Bear with me. The INS has to determine that yours will not simply be a marriage of convenience. Well, I'll tell you, it was pretty convenient for me, 'cause if I hadn't met someone soon, I was gonna hang myself. So exactly how long did you go out with Fran before you proposed? All I remember is getting lost in her eyes, then she spoke with a cute little accent, and I was hers, body and soul. Thank God love is not only blind, it's deaf, too. When was she born? Well, I know she's 26. That's a rough conversion from the metric system. Move on. What is her favorite food? Well, we dine on love. But I never get enough. I'm always hungry for more. Oh, can we wrap this up? I think he's ready for dessert. Is Miss Fine the only American woman you would consider dating considered dating? Absolument. The moment our two souls met, it was an explosion of love. Have you ever heard such utter rot? "Our two souls met in an explosion of love. " - Couldn't you just retch? - Quite right, sir. Too flowery, not nearly as seductive as "Miss Fine!" No more, please. I am spent. (SIGHING) Hello, Caca. What? Is that not what C. C. stands for? This is what the butler told me. You know, Philippe, you have made me the happiest woman on Earth. And how have I done that, mon coeur? By taking Nanny Fine off my hands arms shoulders? Your skin is like white chocolate, chérie. Aren't you engaged to Nanny Fine? Oui. And you think I would condone this type of scandal with me? Oui. Monsieur, I am deeply offended. Stop it. (SPEAKS FRENCH) A tout à l'heure. Did Caca do a no-no in the kitchen? Now she's going to have to clean it up. What do you mean? Well, someone's got to tell Miss Fine that she's marrying a cad. I could never break her heart like that. I can. But I won't. Destroy Nanny Fine's relationship and be stuck with her forever? You've been inhaling a little too much Easy-Off, Beulah. Big mistake. If you told, it would make you so attractive to Mr. Sheffield. How? Well, a handsome man came onto you. Remember, boys never want a toy until another boy wants to play with it. Listening. Besides, Philippe is a philanderer. The marriage will never last. When Miss Fine is devastated, whose strong, British arms will be there to comfort and Maxwell! What shall we put the bridesmaids in? Fuchsia or lime green? No woman looks good in lime green. Lime green it is. Je t'adore. Okay. The man is obsessed with shutting the door. - Miss Fine, I have something to tell you. - Oh? Your French fiance Philippe's a philanderer. Try saying that five times fast. Miss Fine, I'm serious. He made a pass at C. C. That's right. He kissed me. Another man wanted me, C. C. Babcock, for his love toy. How dare you make something up like that just to tear us apart? - I have never - It is true. I cannot resist such beautiful woman. I was appalled. Tell her how you said my skin looked like white chocolate. Oh, my God, you called me your Reese's piece. What kind of a man would do this to a woman? A Frenchman. Chérie, I love all women, but I marry you. Well, fine, I love all men. So when we're married, I guess it won't bother you when I do this. Kissing an English man is like kissing your mother. Oh, really? Then, what about this? This is no good. You made your point. Fran, you do not understand. In France, men are like bees. We must pollinate all the flowers in the garden. Well, I'll tell you something. I don't think you should be so free and easy with your stinger there, because in this country, we have what's known as the Bobbitt bee. But, chérie, je t'adore. My pleasure. Oh, Mr. Sheffield. Oh, Miss Fine, there, there. Hey, what do you say I take you out for a nice supper? Oh, no. I couldn't eat anything. Maybe a small lobster and a twice-baked potato. Why do I listen to you? I just drove her straight into his arms. Well, there's no such thing as a perfect plan. Cheers, Caca.
 * She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens * 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out * in one of those crushing scenes * What was she to do? Where was she to go? * She was out on her fanny * So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door * She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more * She had style! She had flair! She was there! * That's how she became the nanny! * Who would have guessed that the girl we've described * was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? * Now the father finds her beguiling * Watch out, C.