Valentine's Day (Superstore)

Attention shoppers. It's Valentine's Day, and love is in the air, along with dust, pet dander, and toxic mold spores, so pick up a Supercloud air purifier and convince yourself it's making a difference, which it's not, 'cause it's just a fan.

Excuse me, everyone.

Dude.

You know what? I don't care.

Two Aprils ago, I was new here, and someone special came over to help me on register.

And, Lisa, you didn't just bag groceries.

You bagged my heart.

Ooh, this is a bad idea.

Lisa Beth-Ann Donatella Lopez-Fitzgerald, if you'll make me the luckiest man in St. Louis, I'll show you the time of your life.

["(I've Had) The Time Of My Life" By Mickey & Sylvia Plays]

♪ I've been waiting for so long ♪

This makes me genuinely sad.

Flash mob proposals are so lame.

Except for the one that Bo did for you.

That was unique and very cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, but flash mobs stopped being cool, like, a year ago.

Yeah, they were cool one year ago.

Both: ♪ Now with passion in our eyes there's no way... ♪

Where's Lisa? We need Lisa.

Where the [Bleep] is Lisa?

She's in the bathroom.

Is it a quick bathroom break or more of a hunker-down-watch-Y ouTube-videos situation?

Hard to say. Her body language going in... oh, wait, here... [Clears Throat]

♪ Just remember ♪ ♪ You're the one thing ♪

Go back. Go back. Places, places.

Oh, God. Not again.

Oh, wow.

Take two, dude.

[Upbeat Music]

Front of store on the left.

Amy, Amy.

Yeah.

Tell me, do you think that Brett and Brittany would be good together?

I mean, it feels like there's chemistry there, but it might just be the alliteration.

What, like, together-together?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know. Why?

'Cause I hired Miles and Lisa, and now they're in love.

You know, so I thought maybe there's some other sad singles who'd like to get bitten by Cupid.

An arrow. I think Cupid has an arrow.

And he bites.

And I don't think that it's a good idea to go setting people up around work.

Are you down on love because of your bad marriage?

No, I just don't think people come here to find love.

This is a workplace, not Match.com.

What's Match.com?

It's like Christian Mingle, but for everyone.

Oh! That is such a good idea.

Mm-hmm.

I'm sure it's her.

Well, there's definite similarities.

Slightly different BMIs, but she could be on one of those crash diets.

So what do we do next? Do we... do we call the cops?

Do we bust her ourselves?

[Laughs] Easy, Cagney.

We have to catch her in the act.

Now, I'd have my plainclothes guy tail her, but Tuesday's his day off.

Ah, I wonder what he wears on his day off.

Fancy clothes probably.

I could do it.

I've always wanted to go undercover.

[Laughs] You?

Okay, yeah, you're way underqualified.

What do you need to be qualified?

You need to watch a video.

I could watch a video.

You could watch a video.

You guys, look what Jeff just sent me.

"My precious treasure, words cannot express my love for you.

And I love seeing you naked, because it's really good.

Love, Mr. Man."

Wow, Jeff sent you those.

Mm-hmm.

That's, like, a hundred-dollar bouquet.

Yeah, or, like, 140.

Seems so weird he'd send you a gift at work when your relationship is supposed to be secret.

I guess he really loves me, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, Heather.

Look what Jeff just sent me.

Oh, we need more tissue paper.

What's wrong with him?

Well, it's because of a reason that I... I can't tell you.

Hmm, I actually don't care, so...

Mateo's the one dating Jeff, okay?

And Sandra is just making it up to get attention.

So Sandra has a fake boyfriend, she sent herself flowers, and Mateo is dating Jeff?

Yeah.

This a quality Tuesday.

♪ Four, repeat steps one through three ♪

♪ Five, make you fall in love with me ♪

[Balloon Pops]

Oh!

Hello.

Welcome to Cloud 9.

And you must be the little princess we've been expecting.

Right this way, Your Highness.

[Chuckles]

M... [Stammering]

Hey, Arthur, I might be totally off base here, but do you have a crush on Myrtle?

Oh, no. I... well, maybe just a little crush.

Oh, that's so sweet.

I like to imagine the two of us together someday feeding the ducks...

Ohh.

Watching the ducks.

It doesn't have to be ducks.

No. It can be ducks.

You're doing great.

Good, good, good.

Just keep thinking, "Customer, customer."

I'm shopping as a customer."

Okay, okay, thank you.

All right.

Hey, Jonah.

Do you think Elias and Pauline would be good together, or am I just projecting Laurel and Hardy?

I think you have me confused with someone else.

Oh, wow. I'm... I'm so sorry.

I... you look exactly like someone who works here.

I'm so sorry.

Wow, it's uncanny.

And Bo's parents are out of town, so everyone's just gonna get waa-sted.

What about you? Any hot Valentine's Day plans?

No, probably sit in the park, feed the ducks.

Ohh, that's so old person.

You can come if you want, but it's bring your own nitrous.

Hey, Myrtle, do you date anymore?

No, but if you know someone nice, set me up.

He doesn't even have to be white.

♪ Girl it's plain to see ♪ ♪ That you're the only one for me ♪

Arthur, we're switching things up a bit today.

I'm gonna have you tackle Womenswear with Myrtle, and Cheyenne here is gonna take your post.

You want me to be a greeter?

I'm not trained in that.

You'll be fine. I believe in you.

Hello. Welcome to Cloud 9.

Ooh, yeah, I nailed that.

Come on, you two. Talk to each other.

It's not like either one of you have that much time left.

Hey. Oh, what is Arthur doing in Womenswear?

He's confused again.

I'll go fix it.

No, no.

No, Glenn, I put him there.

Why?

You know, just to mix things up, give people an opportunity to work with other people and...

Oh, I see.

It's wrong when I try to do matchmaking, but you get to whip out the fangs, huh?

What fangs?

Cupid's fangs.

Glenn, again, an arrow. Never mind.

Look, this is different.

They're really perfect for each other.

They are. They're both old.

Yeah, and there's, like, this whole duck thing, but mostly they're old.

Why aren't they talking to each other?

I don't know. He's really shy.

It's like they need a bigger push.

Yeah. Oh, hey, you see that guy?

You think that's Jonah, right?

It's not.

[Laughs]

This is so embarrassing.

I always tell him, "Jeff, you're gift enough for me," but he won't listen.

I'm not much of a romantic, but this is special stuff.

Whatever.

Do you know how many babies choke on balloons and die every year?

I don't know, but it seems like a few would.

I'm just happy for Sandra.

I mean, can you imagine what it's like to have what she has?

I mean, just to have a connection like that with someone.

I bet Jeff just loves it.

30. 30 babies die.

[Exhales]

[Drone Whirring]

Oh!

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Ah, are you okay?

Oh, yeah, no, happens all the time.

Someone flies a drone into my head.

Are you sure? 'Cause I can give you a ride to the hospital.

No way. I've seen how you drive.

Well, I... I mean, I'm better with the... the four wheels.

Yeah, I'd hope so.

[Groans]

This is why people hate Valentine's Day, you know, drone strikes.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, welcome to Cloud 9.

Welcome to Cloud 9.

Cloud 9 welcomes you.

[Laughs]

♪ God must have spent ♪ ♪ A little more time on you ♪ ♪ On you ♪

That's right, chat her up.

Just a normal person having a normal conversation.

Speak, listen, speak, listen.

Ooh, look at him getting some on V-Day.

What are you talking about?

He is undercover.

He's just building a rapport with the suspect.

I mean, that's why they're talking and laughing so much, standing so close.

He just touched her elbow with his hand.

Anyway, do you want to...

Huh.

She's late, like...

There she is.

[Clears Throat]

Hey, Myrtle. Break time already, huh?

Uh-huh.

I love break time, great time to kick back and see what's in the old locker, huh?

Wh... what you got there?

I don't think this is my locker.

Yeah, it is.

It just looks like someone left you some flowers and chocolates and a duck.

Wow. Who's it from?

Well, look. Look for a card.

Just look around. Look... look under that sweater.

No, not your sweater. He's not a magician.

It's from Arthur.

Oh.

Ohh.

That's so sweet of him. That's so nice.

♪ And he rocks in the tree tops all day long ♪

[Sobbing]

Ohh.

You don't have to cry, sweetie.

He won't leave me alone.

Why won't he leave me alone?

[Whimpers] Aah!

♪ Go Rockin' Robin ♪ ♪ 'Cause we're really gonna rock tonight ♪

So Myrtle has filed sexual harassment complaints against Arthur as well as the two of you.

That's crazy.

We didn't harass her.

She's alleging that you used your positions of authority to force her to work with an employee in hopes of engaging in a physical relationship with him.

And she also claims you broke into her locker.

Now, what's your side of the story?

Um, factually similar.

Yeah, but you can prove anything with facts.

I mean, Darwin...

She goes on to say that he made lewd and profane comments.

Arthur? He's so sweet.

We had no idea what he was saying to her.

The security cameras don't have sound.

I'm sorry, are you saying that you were spying on them as well?

No, spying makes it sound like we were trying to get information.

We were just watching them for our own pleasure.

Stop talking, Glenn.

Welcome to Cloud 9.

Welcome to Cloud 9.

Hey, it's Cloud 9 up in here. [Laughs]

Jeff got her a watch.

I would have liked a watch.

But she sent it to herself.

Yeah, I know she sent it to herself.

I'm not stupid.

You know, it's just sad that she feels the need to...

White gold?

Oh, my God. That's her favorite.

It's like he knows exactly what she wants.

Ohh.

I thought space camp was just gonna be all moon rocks and astronaut ice cream, but it was basically just a bunch of science classes.

But still, I'm... that's...I 'm so jealous of that.

Really?

Yes, it's incredible.

Meanwhile, according to the absurd amount of decorations in this store, I guess it's Valentine's Day.

Oh.

Did you... did you see any of this?

No, I hadn't noticed.

So do you... do you have any plans or...

Actually, yeah, I'm going to an MMA fight with my boyfriend.

Yeah, he's that muscly guy right over there.

Oh.

Oh, I didn't...

So gullible!

I am gullible.

Yes.

So are you... are you free or...

Yeah, I'm free.

She's not the shoplifter.

Really? Because you were so certain of it earlier.

I mean, you had that dance-y energy you get.

Oh, no, no, no. That was just...

I had an extra shot in my cold brew this morning.

But seeing her up close, the chin, the nose, that's a different person.

Huh, well, I can't think of any reason why you'd want to lie.

So I guess you're officially off the case.

Thank you for your service.

It was an honor and a pleasure.

Attention shoppers.

We just received a song dedication.

This one goes out to "Sandra, my one and only."

"Happy Valentine's Day, Boo.

Love, your Mr. Man."

["I Wanna Get Next To You"B y Rose Royce Plays]

♪ Sitting here ♪ ♪ In this chair ♪ ♪

Hi, Myrtle.

Look, I just... I want to say I'm sorry.

I was totally out of line.

He was saying such filth, how much he liked my sweater.

Oh, well, is that really that bad?

He meant he liked what's under my sweater.

Okay, maybe, but maybe...I don't know... it is possible that you misunderstood what he said or...

Oh, blame the victim.

She's blaming the victim!

No, no, no, no.

I'm not blaming anyone.

I'm just saying that maybe he wasn't harassing you.

It is a very nice sweater.

It shouldn't matter what she's wearing.

I'm sorry. Who asked you to get involved?

Sexual harassment involves us all.

Okay, this isn't sexual... okay, I was just trying to set her up for a date.

Intent is irrelevant.

Seriously, who are you people?

Oh, we're not together.

Oh, oh, 'cause a woman couldn't possible be out on her own without a big, strong man, 'cause then she'd be a slut!

Okay, none of you know the story.

She asked me to set her up, so I set her up.

She was asking me for it.

She asked for it.

[Both Gasp]

Sexual harassment.

At what point is it inappropriate?

Harassment is always wrong.

If it starts in the break room, it shouldn't end in the bedroom.

He's totally thinking about boning Sandra right now.

No, he's not.

And fewer lawsuits equals more revenue for Cloud 9, which benefits all of us.

I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable, Michelle.

Oh, M.C.Cool Cloud, you are all right.

Does anybody have any questions?

No, I think we're all set here.

Well, you can't take love out of the workplace.

Oh, God, kill me now.

What about Miles and Lisa?

If it was up to you, they never would have gotten together.

And then the children they're gonna have would never have been born.

Oh, we're... we're not having kids.

What?

No one is saying you can't ever date somebody you work with.

Just be careful not to make unwanted advances.

So you can't ask someone out unless you know they like you?

But then you don't know if someone likes you unless you ask them out, so that's, like, a Catch-22.

Whoa, well done.

Oh, I've been studying for the SATs.

It's been a very extrapolatory experience.

Okay, what we need is a database.

Everybody write down all the employees you're attracted to.

Totally confidential.

I will compile a spreadsheet of any matches and post it above the microwave.

Nope, we're not doing that.

Let's just say that if you ask somebody out, and they say no, move on.

What if she just says no because she has plans that night?

Can you ask her out again for a different night?

Umm. I guess. I mean, it depends. Does she really have plans, or is she politely telling you she's not interested?

Which one is it, Sarah?

It's the second one.

[Scoffs] Whatever.

I was just asking as a joke anyway.

Without kids, what's the point of life?

I can't believe you'd want to bring someone into this crazy world.

Sometimes people do change their minds.

I mean, I met Jerusha when we were both working at my father's hardware store.

I asked her out every day for a year, and then she said yes.

All: Aww.

Yes.

Okay, actually, that's called a systemic pattern of hostility.

It's, like, the number one thing you can't do.

I got a question.

The actress in the video, does she get paid per video, or is it more of a flat rate for the whole day kind of thing?

My guess is flat rate.

Can ignoring someone you're dating be considered harassment?

I don't think so.

Of course you don't.

I'm... I'm just not explaining it right.

I wasn't harassing her.

She agreed to go out with me because my father threatened to fire her if she didn't.

Myrtle, I'm so sorry.

It was wrong to harass you, and if you want, I will quit right now.

No, no, no.

Yes, quit.

Arthur is a lovely guy.

He was just trying to compliment you.

That's all it is!

I like your sweater, and I think you're pretty.

Ohh.

And I love how your sweater cleaves tight against your breasts.

Arthur, no.

Gross, dude.

She's, like, 100.

Okay, this is actually making things worse.

It's not always harassment.

I mean, Jerusha and I got married.

Oh, so it's not harassment if you marry them?

Oh, God, what have I done?

They're like two little robin's eggs all bundled up in a bird's nest.

Stop.

Found her on IMDB.

She was on "NCIS."S he played "Lady in Pool."

Acting life is tough.

♪ All I want to do is make love to you ♪ ♪ I've got lovin' arms to... ♪

So right in here is where I saw the feces swastika.

Okay.

Happy Valentine's Day, baby.

Mm, yeah, you too.

Oh, all right, well, there you go.

Oh, you didn't have to get me anything.

It's a keychain.

Thank you.

'Cause you're always losing your keys.

Ahh, what a small, thoughtful... small gift.

Are you angry at me?

'Cause I'm not ignoring you.

I just don't think everybody at work needs to know you're my boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

Yeah.

I'm your boyfriend?

Yeah.

Oh, you've never called me that before.

Boyfriend is way better than the keychain.

So what did you get me?

I'm sorry. I've been dealing with a lot of drama today.

Oh, okay. Yeah, no, that's all right.

Yeah.

Sure.

Sure, so...

Anyway, I was convinced that I was gonna be the president of the thespians, but then Steve Luber got it.

What?

And he was in, like, three plays.

Hey, sweetheart.

Did you get what I sent you in for, or did you get distracted?

Men, right?

Hey, wh... who...

Look, Tyler and Megan are in the car.

Oh, you're married?

No, no, no, no, no.

Those are not my kids.

Those are your kids with your boyfriend.

How dare you!

You are the closest thing those kids have had to a father since he died at war.

Fighting for the other side, and we are not married!

I never signed any divorce papers!

You don't remember you signed them because of your drinking problem!

I drink because of you!

You don't... great, now she's gone.

Why would you do that?

You put your personal libido in front of busting a thief.

She's not a thief!

She... oh, my God. My wallet's gone.

There you go.

Oh, wait, no, no.

It's in the other pocket.

My chiropractor told me to switch it up.

Jerusha, our whole marriage is based on a s*x crime.

No, no, no, you only think you love me.

You were my victim!

Ooh, he got her puppies too?

I'm not a big Valentine's Day guy, but Jeff and Sandra are...

Jandra.

We should call them Jandra.

[Puppies Barking]

Puppies!

Hi!

Ohh!

Why does everybody want to [Bleep] Jeff?

Oh, hey, if you've got plans tonight, you can head out.

I'm fine to finish this up.

No, I'm good.

No plans for me.

Yeah, me neither.

Oh!

Wow, you are not messing around.

[Rock Music]

♪

Aah! [Grunts]

[Balloons Popping]

Yah!

Aah!

[Grunts]

What is wrong with you?

Ugh! Coconut.

I got caramel.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Happy Valentine's Day, by the way.

Oh, yeah.

Happy Valentine's Day.

[Light Quirky Music]

♪