Every Which Way but Goose

Okay. All done. Time for school. Tina, you're done? We just started eating. Why do you want to go to school so badly? Did you do your homework last night? Today's the day they're announcing the theme for the eighth grade dance. (singsongy): And rumor has it they might be choosing mine. I started that rumor. Oh, right. Your theme. What was it again? "Night of the Living Dance." Everyone dresses up like zombies who are ready to party. - Eatin' brains and doin' cocaine! - Gene. I hope they choose my idea. It was inspired by a story I wrote. Ooh, one of your frisky, friendly what's-it-calleds? Erotic friend s-stories. I read it. It was erotic and highly disturbing. - Two for two. - No, it wasn't. I'm at the dance in my dress that's ripped up - and covered in brains. - (Jimmy Jr. muttering) And Zombie Jimmy Jr. Asks me to dance. And then I fall but catch myself by grabbing onto his butt, - and then we... - Okay, the end. But I didn't get to the part where his butt falls off and... I... want to remain in suspense. So you and Jimmy Jr. Are going to the dance together? Yeah. I mean, he hasn't asked me yet, but we talked about it a while ago. I gave him some ideas of how to ask. A lot of people have been going the promposal route. Not that this is prom, but it's still a big D. Deal. Don't say "big D." I told him no pressure, just do something simple. Like take me into a grocery store, and all the oranges spell out "Orange you glad you're going to the dance with me?" Or he could sky-write it in the sky. I need someone to sky-write these eggs into my mouth. - Here comes the airplane. Ah! - Ah! Hey, Dad, what are you wearing to Mom and Gene's wedding? Uh, a suit, I guess. MS. LABONZ (over P.A.): Good morning, Wagstaff. Before we get started with normal announcements, Mr. Frond has something to say. FROND: The theme for the eighth grade dance is... "Night of the Living Dance"! Suggested by Tina Belcher! - (gasps) They chose my theme. - Ew. This day can't get any better. Or can it? Hey, Jimmy Jr., is there something you want to ask me? Oh. Uh... can I get a restroom pass? Huh. Probably off to arrange the flash mob, I'm guessing? Hey, guys. So you probably heard that my theme was chosen for the eighth grade dance. What? Sorry, I stopped listening after "Hey, guys." Well, truthfully, after "Hey." So, the dance committee meets after school... Uh, if you're doing dance committee after school, who's gonna cover for you at the restaurant? My incredibly supportive sister and brother? They sound nice. You guys, please? It's my theme. Fine, we'll cover for you. - But you've got to do something for us. - Okay. Every day this week, when you get home from dance committee, you have to... clean the restaurant bathroom. (gasps) - Oh. That's where the toilet is. - Yeah. But we take turns. If you want to be on the committee, it's not gonna be pretty. Okay. Fine. It's a deal. Hey, Jimmy Jr. Over here! Should I, uh, clear a space? What do you need to do your big, uh, thing? Uh, sorry, I got to, um, check out the hallway. Oh, okay. Let me know how it is. Hi, guys. Aw, Gretchen, why so droopy? I'm not wearing a bra. No, I'm talking about your frowny face. My sister's getting married on Saturday. Oh, congrats. My family told me, if I want to bring a date, I got to bring a nice guy. I guess the guys I've been bringing to stuff have been "disasters" who "drink too much" and "vomit" on my mom's "workout tapes." - BOB: Hmm. - LINDA: Huh. If I knew any nice idiots, I would bring one. Hey, wait. What about you? What's your name again? Teddy. We've met so many times. Well, you seem nice. And you're there. - Do you want to go with me? - I'm flattered, Gretchen, but I can't. I'm going away this weekend. I'm taking my mom to see Digereedudes, the Australian all-male revue at Sun Woods Casino. I assume it's some kind of animal show. Ticket says "Watch out for swinging dingoes." I'm never gonna find a date by this weekend. - Yes, you will, Gretchen. I'll help you. - You will? Yeah! What if we go on one of those dating sites? Okay. This could be fun. -Yeah. -I-I better get everything waxed and ready. What do you think, Bob, bikini or Brazilian? Or barbarian? That's where you let it get crazy down there. - Uh, surprise us? - Okay, I'll surprise you. -Hey, Tina, uh, can I talk to you? -Oh, my God. This is it. -W... Uh, well... -If my glasses fog up, don't be alarmed. It's just 'cause I'm excited. Tina, can we maybe, uh, go somewhere private? But, if we go somewhere private, who's gonna go "Aw" and applaud for us after you-you ask me to the dance? - I'm... - You are going to ask me, right? Um... no. I-I'm not going to the dance. -You're what?! -It's not that big a deal, is it? Aah! Oh, my God! Aah! Whoa, she just kicked a kid! Oh, no-no-no, she just tripped. Looked like it, though. (mumbling angrily) Stupid Jimmy... J... Aah! (mumbling continues) Jimmy... Aah! (mumbling continuing) - Aah! Oh! Oh, my God. - (honks) - Are you okay? - (honks) (sighing): Sorry, I didn't see you. I... Oh... It's just this boy, Jimmy Jr., changed his mind and decided not to ask me to the eighth grade dance. And-and we talked about it. He said he was gonna ask me. Ah! It's so messed up. - (honks) - Exactly. You get it. (honks) Sorry. I just realized I'm totally venting at you. -(honks) -You're pretty easy to talk to, though. This is the best conversation I've had in a long time. (honks) If this is the best conversation you've had, then honk on the count of three: one, two, three... Four. Five. Six. - (honks) - I knew it. There are some nice-looking guys on PerfectPair. Look at this one. Software engineer? Talk to me when you're a hardware engineer. Mm. How about this one? Is he in a tank top with the nipples cut out? Yeah. It says "Pepperonis, anyone?" Ha! - What app is that? - FunBuddy. Gretchen, you're not gonna find a nice wedding date on FunBuddy. But the guys you're picking out look boring. Lin, your guy does look a little boring. I mean, it says his interests are reading and naps. -So? I like those, too. Except the reading. -(door opens, bell jingles) Hey, kids. Where's Tina? Oh, she's at dance committee. Her theme got picked. We're covering for her, so don't expect things - to get done that quickly. - Or that well. It's nice of you guys to cover for your sister so she can do the dance committee. A little too nice. What did you make her promise to do? Father, how dare you? We did this out of the kindness of our hearts. And also, she's gonna clean the bathroom all week. She insisted on that. Speaking of bathrooms, look at this guy. - Is he on the toilet? - (chuckles): Yeah. He's being funny. I think. - I'm gonna send him a message. - Gretchen, no! And that's why I think we should send all boys to Canada and call it Manada. And never go there. Well, it's getting late. I'd better go. Nice meeting you. Guess I'll see you around. Oh, you're following me. I think he likes you. - Huh? - That's Bruce. Bruce the Goose. He didn't seem to mind your long story about a dance that you told really loudly for some reason. Oh, sorry. Geese can be kind of clingy. They can form strong attachments to other birds - and sometimes to people. - Like me? Seems like it, huh? I tried to get him to attach to me, but it didn't take. Guess I wasn't sad and desperate enough. Aw, Bruce. You're a caring guy. Some people could learn a thing or two from you. You're talking about Jimmy Jr.? Yes! Ah... such a jerk. Yeah, yeah, no, no, I heard, I heard. Such a jerk. TAMMY: Oh, my God, I'm so excited. Dan Esposito shaved "Will you go to the dance with me?" into the back of his head. Ronald McEvoy wrote "Will you go to the dance with me?" with worms in science class. He taught the worms how to spell. (sighs) Would you make me the happiest eighth grader and be my date to the dance? Oh, my God. Yes! What's your name? - (groans) - Hey, Tina. Can, uh, we talk for a sec? Is it about how you changed your mind and want to ask me to the dance? No, sorry. But I do want to talk to you more, 'cause you seemed so mad yesterday. Or maybe you're over it? Tina, the dance committee meeting is starting soon. We've got a lot of work to do for the dance. (echoing): The dance... the dance... the dance. Aah! So, yeah, I ditched dance committee and came right here. I'm just so sick of people. -That's what's so great about you. -(honks) Hey, I brought half a turkey sandwich. Oh. Unless that's weird for you 'cause you're... -(honks) -Oh. You're eating it right out of my hand. Okay, Gretchen, your date's gonna be here any minute. His name's Norman, and he's a podiatrist. That's him. He's cute, sorta. He looks like if a banana were a person. - Uh, are you... - Hi. I'm Gretchen. I'm Norman. Pleased to meet you. These are our menus, and, uh, if you don't mind me saying, you two make a lovely couple. Oh, uh, well, we just met. - What? Are you kidding me? - Uh... Well, I'll just give you a minute to look over the menus, and whatever else you want to look over. So, you work with feet? That's gross, right? Uh, I find the foot fascinating. Look at the sparks fly. Uh, I don't want to be hearing or watching this. You know, you're not gonna believe this, but my foot's actually a urologist. - Oh! Ooh! - Mm-hmm. -Oh-oh! -Uh, are you guys ready to order? - (grunts) - Ow! I'll have a... a Burger of the Day. - Make it two. - You got it. (whispering): Pump the brakes, Gretchen. I'm trying to pump the brakes, Linda. It started to go a little off the rails over there, but I got it back on track. Gretchen's pretending to spill mustard on her boobs. Oh, how did that get there? Oh, God, oh, no. I'll be right back. (chuckles): And then this duck walked by and dropped a piece of bread, and we tried not to laugh, but it was so hard not to, 'cause it was so embarrassing. Wait, you were at the park? I thought you were at the dance committee. Yeah, and also there's a disgusting bathroom that didn't get cleaned because someone didn't get back until after closing time. Oh, yeah, sorry about that. And also, I quit dance committee. I'm not going to the dance anymore. What? But you were so excited about your zombie dance. And Jimmy Jr. Jimmy Jr. doesn't want to go to the dance with me, okay? Okay. Wait. Tina, who were you with at the park again? -A goose? -No, Bob. She wasn't with a goose. It was a kid named Goose, right? No, he's a goose named Bruce. Wait, like, honk, honk. Like that kind of goose? There's no kind of goose that sounds like that. Don't geese kind of go, like... (hissing) - No, like this. Honk, honk. - Like a tow truck. - (humming) - Like a car. Stop it! Stop it! He doesn't sound like that. He has a perfectly normal honk. You know what? I'm gonna have the rest of my dinner in my room. And I'm gonna have the rest of Dad's dinner in my room. (group vocalizing) ♪ ♪ Okay, Gretchen. You had some lunches, you met some nice guys. Which one of these eligible bachelors is gonna be your matchelor? I don't know. They're all so boring. So much talking, so much khaki. I really like the guy who works at the airport. He had a friendly face. -But too much baggage. Am I right? -Yeah! Send him a message. See if he wants to go. Nah, I don't wanna. Excuse me. There's no toilet paper in your bathroom, and it's nasty in there. Oh, no, uh, sorry about that. We'll-we'll clean it right away. Oh, my God. Have you guys cleaned the bathroom at all this week? Tina's the one on bathroom duty, remember? Yeah! It's not our fault she's hanging out with Goosey Lawless instead of doing her duty! Well, someone needs to clean it. And that someone is you two. Mom and Gretchen, he's talking to you. No, you two. Now. Oh, smell no. I'm not ready for this! I'm just a boy! Oh, that's good. Tina, we just want to remind you that we're still furious that we had to clean the bathroom 'cause you were late. You goose-goose-ducked us over, lady. Guys, I'm sorry I have a life. With Bruce. Tina, what's with you lately? You're ditching work to go to the pond. You eat all your meals in your room. And... (scoffs) are you even listening to me right now? Hello? Hello? (sighs) I can't believe I'm saying this, but I kind of miss the old days, when you would ramble on and on about the zombie dance. You guys talking about the big dance? Did you change your mind, Tina? No! God, I told you, I'm not going to the stupid dance, okay?! Everyone at school is annoying. I don't want to be around them. I don't want to be around anyone! Except Bruce. I'm gonna go pee. Angrily. Whoa. What's going on? Uh, guys, you might want to take a peek at this. LINDA: "Tina and Bruce shared a love so deep... " TINA: that it didn't matter that she was a person and he was a goose. No one understood their love. So they ran away together and laid dozens and dozens of eggs and had dozens and dozens of babies who looked like little amazing goose people. - Oh, God. - Hot. - Gene. - What's happening to Tina? It's like she got her heart hurt and now she's shutting out the world. She's becoming a Bruce recluse. You know, before this goose came along, dancing at a zombie dance with Jimmy Jr. Was her big fantasy. Maybe we need to get her back onto that. Okay. How do we get her to the dance? -Gene and Louise are gonna get her there. -We are? Yeah. Unless you want to keep cleaning the bathroom. Don't remind me. I can still taste it. - What? - What? -What are you guys talking about? -ALL: Nothing! No one's concerned about your future hybrid human-goose babies, and no one read your journal either, so just chill out! So, wait, Tina is hanging out with a goose? Named Bruce. So that's why Tina's not talking to me anymore? Tina's not talking to you because you didn't ask her to the dance like you said you would. You crushed her heart. I know. So go to the dance and fix this cluster-fart! - But I can't, Louise! - Why?! I have an injury. - What? - It's embarrassing. - Why? - Because of where it is. Where is it?! - My butt! - Your butt. I was doing the dance from the movie Save the Last Dance, and I got really lost in the moment. And I guess I... (sighs) pulled a butt muscle. (groaning) I was too embarrassed to tell Tina what happened. And I can't really dance until it heals. I can barely do this. - Ow. Ow. Ow. - Stop. Stop it. Stop. Just... Here's what you're gonna do. Go to the dance and do that weird swaying thing and look happy. Like this? Ow... Nailing it. Hey, Lin? We're out of tomatoes. -Can you grab some more from downstairs? -In a minute, Bob. I'm just logging onto Gretchen's account on PerfectPair. Oh. Does she know you're doing that? No. But I have her password because I set up her account. I'm gonna message that airport guy and see if he wants to go - with her to the wedding. - Uh, that sounds - like a really bad idea. - I know. It's smart, right? And I think I can maybe change his mind. Lin, don't do this. Gretchen's not gonna like it. - I already did it. - Well, undo it. No. There's no undo, Bob. It's done. - Oh, wait. It didn't go through. - Oh. Good. - Oh, now it did. - Oh, my God. LOUISE: Okay, so, first we find the goose, then we lure him away, and then we trap him. And, hopefully, our very impressive stalling Tina tactic worked. There was a note taped to my locker that I had a very important phone call? I don't think so. The only call that came in today was a prank phone call about E. coli in the lettuce. (laughing): Everyone knows that's not a real thing. Dangerous salad. So where's Bruce? All I see is a bunch of dumb ducks. Look, a goose. And it has a friendship bracelet on its leg. It must be him. Come on, boy. Come on. - (honks) - Ha! Sit tight. We'll come get you after the dance. If anyone asks, you're camping. (honks) Bruce?! Bruce?! - Tina! - Look who it is. Hi, guys. What-what are you doing here? Oh, we're not allowed to enjoy a leisurely stroll around the park? Okay. Um, well, you haven't seen Bruce, have you? He usually comes right up to me. He's got to be here somewhere. Maybe I should speak his language. - Honk! Honk, honk! Honk! - Hi. Hello. - That's our sister. - Honk, honk, honk, honk! She'd better not be saying stuff about us. Hey, Gretch. Oh, hi, Lin. I got a message from the airport guy that he's gonna come with me to the wedding. He said he "liked my last message." - Oh, boy. - Oh! That's great news! You logged in as me and wrote that guy, didn't you? Okay. Yes, I did. But it was a good thing, because now you have a date. Do you have an MBA, Linda? 'Cause you're all up in my business. Gretchen, you might want to find a nice guy for real. You know, for keeps. How about this? Goodbye for keeps! Until you need a haircut or a dye job! But I'm not gonna give you my friends discount, because we're not friends anymore! - Oh, Gretchen, come on! - You're the worst! - Oh, get a... - You're the worst! Gretchen, get away from the window! Don't you throw that, Gretchen! I'm... I'll do it, I swear! Calm down, Gretchen! Don't make us call the cops, Gretchen! - Go ahead! Call them! Attica! - Huh! You try to help someone, and this is what you get. Attica! Attica! -Attica! -Lin, Gretchen is really scary right now, but you also kind of pushed her to this point. - What? - Attica! Attica! Don't eat here! Well, your help was trying to make Gretchen - not act like Gretchen. - Don't eat here! Kind of like what her family is asking her to do. Hey, don't eat here! - Oh, no. Bob, maybe you're right. - Don't eat here. Don't eat here! - I just wanted her to be happy. - Attica! - Attica! - I mean, she was happy, and now she wants to break our restaurant. Oh, thank God. She's walking away. That was terrifying. Bruce? Bruce? (groans) Where is he? Guess he's gone. Sorry, T. Hey, you know what'll cheer you up? The Night of the Living Dance. Come on, let's get you there. Fine. Whatever. I don't care. Thattagirl. (honks) (honks) ♪ ♪ Wow, even Frond put on zombie makeup. - No, I didn't. - Oh. - You're gonna be fine. - Oh, look, Tina. There's Jimmy Jr. Looking pretty dapper for an undead guy, huh? Hi, Tina. I just want to say, I, um... I didn't ask you to the dance because I was too embarrassed to tell you. I pulled my butt muscle doing a very difficult move from Save the Last Dance. There. I said it. (sighs) It feels good not to hide my butt stuff anymore. (quietly): This is bad. Jimmy Jr. is talking about his butt, and Tina's too busy being on Planet Goose to notice. Anyway, I can't really dance, but I'd like to try. With you. Gene, help me make her dance. - Ow. Ow. Ow. - (grunting) - Ow. - (honks) - (gasps) - Oh, my God! - What the... -(hissing) -Bruce! -(Tammy screams) TAMMY: Goose on the loose! (shouting) - Get out of here! - Don't! - You're scaring him! - (hissing) Oh, no! He's stuck! That goose is hooked! He's stuck! My friendship bracelet is hooked on something. Why the heck is there a goose in here? If you have to ask, then you don't get it. - I-I'm-I'm going to call Animal Control. - What? No! Yes. No goose is gonna ruin a dance while I'm chaperoning. But what-what'll happen to Bruce? I don't know, Tina. I didn't go to Animal Control School. I went to Harvard... ton Community College. - (whirring) - (bell jingles, door closes) (sheepishly): Hey, Gretchen. This is the one I was telling you about. - Mm-hmm. - Gretchen, listen... I can't hear you. I'm blow-drying! - I'm gonna say it anyway! - (whirring increases in volume) I'm sorry I tried to make you into someone you're not. It's just 'cause I love you and I want you to be happy. But I realized you're happy the way you are. And... I have the perfect wedding date for you. - Oh, yeah? Who? - (whirring stops) - Me. - You? Yeah! I'm nice but I'm not boring. And I-I like to drink. - A lot. - Mm-hmm. Will you let me take you to your sister's wedding? Mm... Okay! All right! Should we get a limo? Yeah, let's get a limo! Let's get a limo! - (honking) - The animal Control will be here shortly. Bruce, I'm going to climb up the bleachers and get you down! Oh, no, you are not! Tina I am not adding a broken neck to my list of problems tonight. First, the DJ didn't have any Tiffany songs, - then this goose came in here and now...