Bad Hand and British Royalty

(sighs, then hums)

Good morning.

Bite me.

What's your problem?

Okay, here's the thing.

I am so happy you found love, and I'm glad Adam feels comfortable enough to spend the night here.

But you got to know, I can hear every thing you do all freakin' night long.

Everything?

Yes, you ass-slapping fool, everything.

I'm so sorry.

Just keep in mind that our apartment has thin walls and your daughter's insurance doesn't cover therapy.

Did you try the noise-canceling headphones I got you?

Oh, yeah, right away.

And they're great for airplanes and garbage trucks, but no match for my mother announcing that she's been a bad girl and needs to take her medicine.

To be fair, I was pretty naughty.

Adam: Just so you know, I'm waiting for you guys to wrap this up so I can get some coffee.

Oh, God, get in here.

Sorry you had to hear all that.

Right back at you.

No, no, no, no, this is good.

We're all adults, we can have a conversation about physical love and the noises that... ensue.

How about we just say we'll be quiet and move on?

Thank you.

Changing the subject.

Please.

You got plans this weekend?

Just library s*x, why?

My friend Mitch and his wife are coming up to Napa.

I was thinking it's about time my best buddy met my best girl.

That sounds great, set it up.

All right.

Is this the Mitch who directed the movie you worked on?

Yeah, but we go way back.

He's the closest thing I have to a brother.

Well, that's saying something 'cause you have a brother.

I'm gonna call him.

You're gonna love him.

Mmm.

Ooh.

Meeting the best friend, that's serious.

I know. I'm a little nervous.

You should be, if the best friend doesn't like you, you're back to slapping your own ass.

♪ ♪

I'd lend you my crystal stemware, but I'm afraid in your apartment it would just look stolen.

Besides fondue, what are you planning on serving these people?

I don't know. Christy?

Depends on what they're throwing away at the restaurant.

You don't seem really prepared for this.

I'm not. I've never had a boyfriend who wanted to introduce me to anybody.

Not even during a three-way.

I had a boyfriend introduce me to his best friend, then he married him.

Do you need a bread maker? I've got three.

I wasn't gonna make bread.

Do they expect me to make bread?

What are you gonna dip in the fondue?

I was just gonna buy bread.

Bonnie, these are Hollywood people.

They are not gonna eat bread out of a bag.

You know what, this is too much pressure.

I'm just gonna break up with Adam.

Relax, I'm sure you can pretend to be a good person long enough for them to like you.

And if it goes well with the friends, he'll probably want to introduce you to his parents.

That'll be fun.

"Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Bonnie.

She's sober a year and a half, but you still might want to hide the Nyquil."

I look forward to when you fall in love.

My plan is to wait till you're dead.

♪ ♪

Whoa, look at that.

Baby, this is awesome.

Thank you.

Jill said presentation is all about levels.

Oh.

And check this out, a crystal bowl for the olive pits, so you don't have to spit 'em in your hand.

What's that thing in the middle?

Fondue, or as you might know it, hot cheese.

Hey, look, it's Martha Stewart.

We have both been in jail.

(laughs)

Oh, God, please don't tell them that.

Unless they'd think it's cool.

Oh, don't worry about it, Mitch and Leanne are just regular people.

So what are your plans?

Well, we're gonna hit a couple of wineries, and then we're going out for dinner.

Wine tasting... that ought to be fun for you.

I have games on my phone.

(doorbell rings)

That's them.

Oh, I almost forgot, curtsy when you meet Leanne, she's British royalty.

What?

I'm screwing with you, she's a makeup girl from Buffalo.

Not funny.

You should've made her curtsy.

(laughs)

Hi, welcome. Bonnie.

I'm Mitch, this is Leanne.

Thank you so much for having us.

My pleasure. Please come in.

Yo, Professor Nutsack!

Stinky Dickweed!

How are you, my man?

(laughs)

Aren't you glad you made bread?

Adam: Hey.

Leanne, Mitch, this is my daughter Christy.

Hi, Christy.

Hey.

Nice to meet you both. I'm sorry I have to go, I have a class and then work.

What do you do?

I'm a waitress at the Rustic Fig.

Oh, we heard about that place.

We wanted to eat there.

You're about to.

Time to go.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, she seems sweet.

Eh. Please, everybody sit down.

Okay... oh, we-we brought you a little gift.

Thank you.

Adam said you don't drink anymore, but it's good when you have company.

Like now.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, you don't have to.

No, I'll open it.

No, no, yeah, just go ahead and do it.

Well, just-just one glass, though.

We're still going wine tasting, right?

No, I drove all the way to Napa Valley to hang out with Stinky Dickweed.

(both chuckle)

I look forward to hearing where that nickname came from.

That's a funny story, actually.

We were shooting on location in Malaysia, and your brilliant boyfriend thought it'd be a good idea to hide his pot in his underwear.

Yeah, and when we smoked it, it smelled suspiciously like my balls.

(Leanne laughs, Mitch spits)

♪ ♪

Everything's fine, Marjorie, I was just too tired to make the meeting.

Yeah, I need a good night's sleep.

Thanks, talk to you tomorrow.

Leanne: Get him, Mitch, get him!

Who's your daddy, Ironside?

Come on, stop holding back!

Mitch: I'm trying to make it a fair fight.

Hey, Leanne, hold my feet.

I got you, baby. Okay.

All right, here comes the pain!

(grunts)

Aah! Let go of my junk!

Whoo!

Spoiler alert, that's why we call Mitch "Professor Nutsack."

♪ ♪

So no wineries?

We never left the apartment.

They just stayed here and drank.

Where'd all the booze come from?

The trunk of their car.

They brought it from L.A. in case there wasn't enough wine in Napa Valley.

Mitch: Chug, chug, chug, chug!

And there might not be.

Adam: I'm so drunk, I can't feel my legs.

Oh, wait.

(slurring): Hey, hen party in the kitchen!

Old school!

(spits)

Look, it's the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Hey, um, Christy, can I... Can I tell you something that I've been thinking about all night?

You should go home and I should go to bed?

I could make you so pretty.

I'm sorry?

Didn't Adam tell you?

I'm a professional makeup artist.

It's my job to make people like you pretty.

I'm a professional makeup artist!

Mommy, help me.

I'd kind of like to see what she can do.

♪ ♪

Thanks for easing up on the drinking.

That was a good call, babe.

(holding breath): All things in moderation.

They both really like you.

Oh, goodie.

(slurred, singsongy): Ta-da.

Oh, my God, I'm gorgeous.

Mm-hmm.

You-You look like you're in your 30s again.

I am in my 30s.

So am I.

Wink, wink.

Hey. Whoa, you look amazing.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Leanne, I was told to bring you this.

Gracias.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.

The hot cheese is making its move.

You really are good at what you do.

(exhales) My secret is, keep applying makeup until it's something you want to sit on.

(laughs)

You're kidding, right?

Mm, of course, I'm kidding.

Wink, wink.

You know, I admire you.

Thank you.

Your opinion used to mean a great deal to me.

Seriously, like, staying sober when you got nothing going on, and it kind of makes you a little boring, that's impressive.

Again, thank you.

(Scottish accent): Good on ya, Bonnie lass!

Where'd you just go?

You know, I got sober once.

Really?

Yep, I went to a couple of meetings, I heard the spiel, I bought a book, and then one night I'm looking around the room and I said to myself, "Mitch, these aren't your people, these people are quitters.

You're not a quitter, u'rehe opposite of that, you're a successful film director."

Move it.

Mm.

Not that way.

(coughs) Oh, I'm sorry.

Bad! Bad hand!

We-We-We talked about that.

Thank God I brought my good hand.

(chuckles)

Okay.

You're Adam's friend, and you're really drunk right now, so I'm gonna be a sport and give both your hands a pass.

But if it ever happens again, I will hit you so hard, you'll be crapping teeth for a week.

God help me, it might be worth it.

And three double cheeseburgers.

With cheese.

Two large fries...

With cheese and a chicken sandwich.

...and a chicken sandwich.

And a burrito.

They don't have burritos.

Why don't they have burritos? Why don't you have burritos?!

I think that's it.

Oh! Oh, and a crunchy candy cookie cup.

I-I think we've got enough.

Cookie cup, cookie cup, cookie cup!

Clerk: So... three cookie cups?

Sure.

Yes.

It'll be $52.75.

Please drive forward.

So... whoa... (laughs)

(clears throat) So... you and... you and Adam are cute together.

Thank you.

Is he still good in bed?

I'm sorry, what?

He was incredible back when he had legs.

Oh, I'm... Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't want... I didn't mean that.

I mean, of course he still has legs, but, you know...

You slept with Adam?

Dear Lord, will this night ever end?

Answer me.

Calm down.

It was a long time ago before I met Mitch, and we only did it, like, t... t... 20 times.

Really thought you were gonna say two.

So, you were a couple?

No, oh, no!

No, no, it was just that kind of raw kind of s*x.

You know, the kind you think about when you're on the toilet having a cigarette.

Hey, guys, this is important. Guys, this is important, listen.

Mitch doesn't know, so we just have to keep it between us.

You know... sisterhood of the traveling pen1s.

(laughs)

I don't know what you're always whining about.

This thing is awesome.

Food's here.

Oh, finally.

Hey, baby, did you know that the liquor store down on the corner, that it delivers?

Just eat your burger, Dickweed.

Huddle.

Ugh, I don't want to huddle.

Just let me go to sleep.

What? You think you're too pretty to huddle now?

Get in there.

I am pretty, aren't I?

Why didn't you get me any vodka?

Why didn't you get me a 24-year-old Asian girl with big boobs?

Hey, words hurt.

Just kidding.

Ah, I love you.

And you have perfect boobs.

You, too.

That right there.

That's how you make a marriage work.

Thanks, buddy.

Where are we?

I'm sorry, I just can't wrap my head around it.

20 times?

She's probably exaggerating.

When it comes to s*x, women round down, Christy, not up.

We do?

You don't?

I didn't, but I will now.

I'm not sure how to handle it.

There's nothing to handle. It's in the past.

No, it's in my living room, and more important, he didn't tell me.

So, what, you're gonna confront him?

I thought the whole idea of this evening was to make his friends like you.

That's when I was putting deviled eggs on levels.

I should've just put out a dog bowl.

Okay, Adam, it's time you and I have a talk.

Oh, lovely.

Under the head, under the head.

Where's Lord and Lady Nutsack?

Probably playing kickball with their livers.

Mitch: Come on, baby, let's make a dirty movie.

Leanne: Okay, okay, turn around and try to relax.

Thin walls. I get it now.

We're gonna have to burn that bed.

(thump)

What just happened?

I don't know. That sounded bad.

I guess we should go see if they're okay.

Or we just leave and rebuild our lives elsewhere.

(knocking at door)

Hello?

Well, this is just sad.

Remember being too drunk to have s*x?

It's the main reason you're an only child.

So, what do we do?

(sighs)

Roll them on their sides and be grateful we don't live like this anymore.

So very grateful.

(slow farting)

Oh, God, was that him or her?

Does it really matter?

♪ ♪

Shh...

(clears throat)

Mom?

(high-pitched): Yes?

(shouts)

What?

What the hell?!

Ah, I was... I was looking for the bathroom.

Well, I'm not it!

Well, okay, no harm, no foul.

¿Dónde está el baño?

What is going on?

Mitch, where'd you go?

Into my bed!

You miserable b*st*rd.

(grunts)

Come on, it was an honest mistake.

When you grabbed my ass in the kitchen, was that an honest mistake?

Well, a person can make more than one honest mistake.

You grabbed her ass?

With both hands.

Damn it, Mitch.

(shouts)

Come on.

Why is everybody yelling?

Your best friend just tried to get in bed with my daughter.

What? No, no, that can't be right.

It may have been 18 months and 11 days, but I know when a man is in bed with me.

This is all your fault.

My fault?!

You invited these zoo animals into my home, and you never told me you slept with this monkey.

Approximately 20 times.

What?

Monkey?

You-You didn't think that was something you should tell me?

I-I... it's...

You porked my wife?!

I wouldn't use that word.

I would.

But that was before we got together.

We're married now, and you're playing hump the hostesses-es?

Adam: Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait a minute, you... you hit on Bonnie?

It was nothing. Yeah, it was just joking around.

It was, it was, you know, my bad hand bit.

She didn't get it.

You did bad hand on my woman?

And good hand.

Good hand's new. (laughs)

What the hell is wrong with you?!

Uh, all right!

All right!

All right, all right!

This is it! This is it!

I have a drinking problem.

What?

I do. I need help.

Ah, son of a bitch, now we have to be nice to him.

No, no, no, don't fall for it.

He catches alcoholism every time I find him facedown in an actress.

See, this... this is half the reason I drink.

She shames me.

Leanne: Okay.

Okay. Okay, yeah, yeah.

You're one of my demons, Leanne!

All right, everybody, just take it easy.

Bonnie, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about Leanne.

Just no excuse, no defense, just wrong, and, Mitch, even though it happened before the two of you got together, I guess I owe you something, too.

Come here, brother.

Oh, thanks.

Man, you know I-I was just kidding...

(shouts)

Oh! Bad hand!

It's not cool, Dickweed!

Is there any vodka left?

Hi, I'm Mitch and... I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Mitch.

I hurt a lot of people I love this weekend, whether it was hitting on my best friend's girl...

...or her daughter...

...or urinating in their laundry hamper.

This damn disease. Am I right?

Anyway, I-I-I just want to say that I'm-I'm really grateful to this program for helping my wife see that it's not my fault.

Namaste.

You think he can stay sober this time?

I don't know.

We go to New Orleans right from here.

We'll see what happens.

Woman: Would anyone else like to share?

So... did they like you?