We Don't Need No Stinkin' Badges

And when I earned my final, record-breaking Butterfly Badge, my mom had my sash be-diamonded!

If she doesn't stop bragging, I'm gonna bury her in that sash.

Hey, little Caterpillars, who wants some cocoon juice?

All: Ewe!

It's fruit punch.

Jessie, what are you wearing?

My Armadillo Scout uniform.

You say that like it's not embarrassing.

Hey, an armadillo can survive scorching hot temperatures and, bravely dodge eighteen-wheelers on the Highway.

Which, now that I think about it, was probably not the best place to sell cookies.

So, for old time's sake, you just decided to dress up like roadkill?

No, Zuri has had a little difficulty earning her badges.

I even panicked trying to earn the Shoe-Tying Badge.

Which way does the stinking rabbit go?

So, I'm gonna offer to help.

I'm sure your troop leader will be thrilled to have me.

(Elevator bell dings)

(Blowing whistle)

You? I hate you.

Coach Penny?

That's Troop Leader Penny, to you!

Still writing songs about your perfect boyfriend, making us single gals feel bad?

Yes, but I'm guessing you don't want to hear one.

All right, Caterpillars, antennae up!

Let's get this meeting started.

Yes, Sir! Hoo-ah!

She calls her mom Sir?

Wouldn't you?

(Blowing whistle)

Quiet!

Ooh! I notice we have a highly decorated veteran here.

Emma Ross, Monarch first class.

The Emma Ross? All-time top Butterfly Badge-earner?

And uniform catalog model.

Zuri, you had Emma Ross as an example, and you still haven't even learned the Butterfly handshake?

Butterflies don't have hands!

The whole thing is insane!

Who's with me?

Anyway, this weekend's camping trip, is the last chance for some of our slower Caterpillars...

And you know who you are, to get a badge, and move up to Butterfly.

I have all my badges, mommy.

I mean, Sir!

Including the Braggy Pants Badge.

(Blowing whistle)

Quiet! Talking during the meeting is distracting.

And so is that ridiculous uniform.

Says the woman with a bug on her head.

Back in Texas, there's no greater honor than being an Armadillo Scout!

Well, that may count in a fly-over state, but here in the big city that doesn't mean Arma-diddly!

You'll see what armadillo scouts are made of, because I'm going on that camping trip with Zuri, and helping her earn a badge!

Well, fine by me. I could use a good laugh.

You could also use some floss.

You've a big hunk of ham stuck between your teeth.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ My whole world is changing. Turning around. ♪ ♪ They got me going crazy. Yeah, they're shaking the ground. ♪ ♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town. ♪ ♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie. ♪

You may have bested me in video games, but I will beat you in cricket racing.

I doubt it. My cricket's on performance-enhancing lettuce.

Uh oh. Mine hopped away.

Mrs. Kipling will kill me if I lose her lunch.

I am not kidding. My life is constantly in danger.

(Chirping)

There he is! He's about to jump into Bertram's pot.

No! Do not jump, little fellow!

Well, it's official.

Bertram's cooking is fatal.

Whoa, you are looking very snazzy, Bertram.

I'm going to The Fairfield Cooking Competition.

I've been tweaking my lobster bisque all day. (Chuckles)

(Gasps)

(Both gasp)

Perfect! It's alive with flavor!

He has no idea.

What was that?

Nothing.

Ravi, I know you'll tell me the truth.

Did you two do something to my soup?

Uh...

Absolutely not.

Good.

Now if you'll excuse me, my bisque and I are going to go beat those other butlers like an egg white fritata!

I cannot believe I lied right to his face.

What a rush!

See? When done correctly, lying is sort of like a super power.

Ooh, perhaps I could make a costume...

With a cape, and boots...

Don't cheapen this.

Now, you put up the cross-poles, set up the support braces, line up the grommets, and you're done! Easy.

Easy for you.

I don't even make my own bed!

Okay, I'm going to help you.

And by help, I mean do it for you while you keep watch and stay out of my way.

Emma, thank you so much for coming on our camp out.

I'm always happy to give back to the children.

Who wants to earn their Mani-Pedi Badge?

All: Me!

Done! (Whistle blowing)

Great job, Zuri!

Ah! One Tent Pitching Badge, please.

First the Caterpillar must complete the post-tent pitching quiz.

Both: Ugh!

Caterpillar Ross, what is the proper ratio of grommets to support braces?

Six-to-one.

Cinnamon!

Badge denied!

Look, I don't know about you Armadillos, but Caterpillar scouts do their own work.

(Gasps)

So do Armadillos! And, we can jump 3 to 4 feet in the air when startled!

So will I, if Zuri actually earns a badge this weekend.

Oh, she'll earn a badge.

Zuri Ross is the smartest, most capable little girl I know!

Zuri: Jessie! Help! I'm stuck!

Oh!

Is there, by any chance, a Falling-in-the-Trash Badge?

(Grunting)

That's odd. Usually, we do that with his food.

I just got disqualified from the cooking competition, because one of the judges discovered a cricket in my lobster bisque!

Luke, I know you did this!

No! I assure you, Luke is not the soupy saboteur.

Well, someone did it!

Ravi, don't tell me it was you?

Uh, um... uh, of course not.

It was a man in a Butler's uniform!

We saw him sneaking out!

Really? What did he look like?

Keep it simple.

Well, he was tall...

With bushy eyebrows...

Giant earlobes and a monocle!

I know that guy!

Both: You do?

You just described my arch rival, Nigel Pettigrew, down to the very last detail!

I did?

He did?

Nigel's always been jealous of my cooking.

He clearly did this to get me thrown out of the contest!

Well, I'm gonna go kick his sticky wicket!

(Chuckles)

Wow, talk about beginning liar's luck!

This is terrible.

Because of my lies, Nigel will now feel the mighty wrath of Bertram.

Eh. Better him than us.

With fingerling potatoes, and a side salad.

And hurry! All they have to eat here is beans!

And we're already down wind from the zoo!

(Sniffing)

Ugh.

Check this out. (Laughs)

Remember, with the right bait, you can get an animal to do whatever you want.

That's why I leave pudding cups for Bertram in the laundry room.

I hope I catch a California roll.

Okay, now swing the rod back, push the button, and throw it out there.

(Whirring)

I think I got one! It's a whopper!

It must be a land shark, because the pond is in front of us.

Ow, ow, ow!

I guess I can kiss my Fishing Badge goodbye.

Yeah, and I don't care what we fry this in, it is not going to taste good.

This guilt is tearing me apart.

I have told so many lies, I am surprised my pants are not literally bursting into flames!

Ravi, you gotta chill.

What's the worst that could happen?

(Elevator bell dings)

I just challenged Nigel to a brutal Butler beat down!

I did not see that coming.

That seems a bit rash, does it not?

Nigel says he never touched my bisque.

But you saw him, right, Ravi?

Plain as day.

(Grunts)

Why can I not stop?

Because lying is fun.

Pretty soon you'll be running for Congress.

Watch this!

Okay, better. Better.

Good aim! Now, let's work on distance.

I'm never gonna get a badge!

Instead of becoming a Butterfly, I'll be the world's oldest Caterpillar.

That's a lot of orthopedic shoes!

Emma got her Archery Badge. Make her help me!

I'm busy helping these other girls earn their Knot Badges.

Good! Now get rid of the knot in my neck.

Emma! We're supposed to be roughing it!

I am! They're using unscented lotion.

Emma! Get over here and show Zuri how to do this.

Uh, okay, but I may be a little rusty.

You can't be any worse than Zuri.

I think I remember how to do this.

Wait! Stop!

Eh.

Oh.

Did I hit the target?

Nope, but you killed a hat.

Okay, I smell something fishy.

Ooh, my seared scallops are here! Thank you, Louis.

Hey, we're supposed to be roughing it!

Do you see garlic aioli anywhere on here?

I might as well be living in a cave!

Take it back, Louis!

(Blowing whistle)

I want the truth.

Did you really earn all those badges?

No, what do you think?

She bought them online?

Oh my gosh, you bought them online.

(Gasps)

Emma Ross, you are demoted to Larva, Third Class.

Surrender your sash.

Okay...

But I'm gonna need those diamonds back.

Congratulations, Jessie.

You're the worst thing to happen to Butterflies since windshields.

Come, Caterpillars. Let's forage.

Well, at least now I can go home.

Oh, no.

You are gonna camp here and help Zuri earn a badge.

All night?

Mmm-hmm.

In a tent?

But I can see my bedroom from here!

Wow, I have got to get blinds.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

When first we practice to de... ar Gods, man! Put on some pants!

And, I just got my new screen saver.

Pettigrew. Winkle.

Shall we?

Please, gentleman's gentlemen!

Do not pummel each other into oblivion!

With fluffy little feather dusters?

Yes!

We shall mercilessly dust each other until the other man yields!

I never yield.

Bertram: You also never trim your eyebrows.

It looks like you have two hedgehogs over your eyes!

At least nothing scared the hair on my head, and made it run to my back!

I don't know what's worse, their shorts, or their trash-talk.

The shorts!

Ugh!

On the bright side, if they are just tickling each other, no one will get hurt.

That's what you think.

We each put up our most prized possession.

Winner take all!

Mine is Her Majesty's favorite teacup.

(Bertram gasps).

Given to me by the Queen herself, it's still stained with her black lipstick.

She was going through a bit of a goth phase.

And I put up this.

(Ravi gasps)

Not your sterling silver toast rack that used to belong to Abraham Lincoln!

Yes, and the matching egg cup!

Oh, no! This just got real! (Sobs)

You said it, sister!

I am a boy.

Of course. And I am Beyonce.

Ugh! This ground is too hard!

Sorry. Next time we'll request pillow-top dirt.

Okay, and you go under and over, and under and over, and there you have it.

A friendship bracelet!

Oh! Like this?

That's not a friendship bracelet. It's an enemy ball.

At least I'm trying to earn my badges.

Oh, yeah? How's that working out for you, empty sash?

(Screaming) Ow! Ouch! All right!

That's it! Lights out!

Time to earn our Sleeping Badge. It's not a real thing.

(Whale noises)

(Whale noises)

Is that whales?

How deep is that pond?

Oh, that's my noise machine. I can't sleep without the sounds of nature.

We're in the middle of a park!

We're surrounded by nature!

(Vehicles honking)

(Police Siren blaring)

(Helicopter blades whirring)

(Woman screaming)

Whales it is.

How did you even plug it in?

I ran an extension cord from the lobby.

On the bright side, I now know that's not a snake running up my leg.

(Hissing) Oh, no, wait. It is.

Ah!

Ah!

Please, can you both not pull your heads out of your butlers, and call this off, so no one loses their prized possession?

Never. We butlers live by a code.

W-W-M-B-D.

What Would Mr. Belvedere Do?

Both: Who?

En garde!

First one who sneezes, loses!

Prepare to spray your shame all over this ring.

(Bell dings)

You can do this, Bertram! You clean my room, so you've got sinuses of steel!

Poor Bertram, looks like you're about to sneeze.

Hold it in, Bertram!

Bless you.

And next time, please sneeze into your sleeve!

Your Lincoln toast rack and egg cup are mine!

Luke, I cannot let this happen!

Bertram, it was my fault the cricket got into your soup.

What? You lied to me?

Shame on you, Ravi!

Nigel, I'm sorry I accused you of sabotage. Will you accept my apology?

Bertram, you lack grace, manners, and a competent tailor...

But you do have honor.

I accept your apology.

Thank the Gods.

But I'm still taking your stuff.

Victory!

I am so sorry, Bertram. Are you mad?

No, Ravi, I'm not mad.

Just very disappointed in you.

(Sighs)

See, he's not mad. All's well that ends well.

(Animal growling)

(Groans)

(Animal growling)

Ah!

What was that?

Emma, please tell me your noise machine has a pterodactyl setting.

Ah!

Ah!

Do you think that's Coach Penny coming back from the bathroom?

(Growling)

(Screaming)

Permission to panic, Sir?

Permission granted.

(Screaming)

Coach: Help! That's Coach Penny and madge! We've have to do something!

Like crank up the whale sounds to drown them out?

No! We should save them! Although I could be talked out of it.

(Gasps)

O-M-G, an ostrich must have escaped from the zoo!

Or people are feeding the pigeons way too much.

You girls stay here!

Ouch! Stupid extension cord!

(Growling)

(Screaming)

Help! Help! Help!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Where's Zuri?

Zuri, stop!

Hey, big bird!

Zuri, no! I can't lose another kid to an angry ostrich!

It's a long story, before I met you.

Here's some vitamin C-ya around, sucker!

Zuri, you saved us! Thank you!

How did you know what to do?

I just remembered what you told me.

With the right bait, you can get an animal to do whatever you want.

Well, Jessie.

I guess there's more to Armadillos than just an ugly uniform.

That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me!

Come here.

An orange!

(Ostrich growling) What the...

And even though she did not earn any traditional badges...

Not one.

I am honored to present Zuri Ross with this special...

Outwitting an Ostrich Badge.

(Applauding)

Thank you.

Even I don't have that one.

I do! Or I will in three to five business days.

Zuri Ross, you are hereby promoted, with the rest of your troop...

To Butterfly Scout!

Oh! Congratulations, Zuri.

I haven't been this proud since your report card went from, Unsatisfactory to Needs Improvement!

Thank you.

This might be a good time to mention that I'm failing math.

Good morning, Bertram.

What happened to your head?

I was almost pecked to death by an angry ostrich.

Fine. Do not tell me.

Anyway, I wish to apologize from the bottom of my heart for lying.

So, to make amends, I got something for you.

Thank you, but unless it's my Lincoln toast rack and egg cup, I'm not interested.

It is your Lincoln toast rack and egg cup.

Great Gettysburg, it is!

Oh! I recognize the dent where Mary Todd hurled it at Abe's head, when he complained about his egg being runny!

She was a feisty first lady.

Yes, she was.

How did you get them back?

You didn't hurt Nigel, did you?

Although I would be okay with that.

No, but I will be dusting his enormous, teacup collection until I go off to college.

Thank you, Ravi. You're a good kid.

While you're dusting, spit in one of those cups for me.

He called me a girl. I will do more than spit in it.