Friends with Burger-fits

I hope you didn't need this jar. We're getting into canning. What are you going to can? Farts. Oh! When you need one, you don't have one. And when you have one, you need more! Wash it when you're done! Wait. If we freeze the fart, it'll last forever! It'll be all that's left of the human race when the aliens show up. Ha-ha, aliens! We farted on you! Hey, let's go down and see if we can make the walk-in cold enough to make fartcicles. Guess who just went to the doctor for his five-year checkup? Kirstie Alley. Me. Longest I've been naked in three years. Well, what'd he say? Doctor stuff. You know, "Your cholesterol is off the charts." "You absolutely must change your eating habits, or you will die." Anyway, I'll have one cheeseburger and fries, please. Maybe you should be a little concerned, right? You eat a burger pretty much every day. That-that can't be good for you. Yeah. Right. Don't you eat your burgers every day? Not every day. Yeah. We order off-menu. It's how we have fun, right? (laughs) Kill me. Ha-ha, that's nice. Anyway, cheeseburger and fries, please. You sure you want to ignore your doctor, Teddy? I am not ignoring him. I'm just not listening to him. (snoring) (phone rings) Bob's Burgers. Man: This is Teddy's doctor. Let's take a look at Teddy's heart, shall we? Okay. Whoa. That's strange. Oh, hey... hey, that tickles! What are you doing? (laughs) Whoa. Look at that. Sick! Can I bring that to show-and-tell?! Doctor: See how disgustingly unhealthy it is? And it gets bigger and bigger with every burger you serve him. Uh... Doctor, stop shoving burgers into his heart! Oh, but I'm not, Bob. You are. Mmm! Keep 'em coming, Bob. Oh, God, no! Keep 'em coming... No! Keep 'em coming! It's gonna pop! It's gonna blow! I'm sorry, Teddy! What? What happened? What-what happened? I'm killing Teddy. What? You're gonna kill Teddy? All right, car's gassed up. That's good. Guess I could home-school the kids 'cause... No, Lin, the burgers are killing him. What? The ones I give him every day. Oh. Gotcha. Good God, Linda. You had all that ready? What? I'm just being supportive. Good night. (shuddering) Lowering the temperature a few degrees really works. I should have worn my higher socks. You guys call them pants. Is it frozen? Sorry, kids, no fartsicles. Just disappoint-sicles. Well, this experiment was a bust. Aah! Stupid patch of ice! Sorry, you're not stupid. You're just slippery. Hold on. This stupid patch of ice might actually be a genius. (all grunting) And tomorrow, the walk-in goes from stinky to rinky. Feels weird cooking a veggie burger. Plus, he's going to know it's not a hamburger. Nah, nah, Teddy'll eat whatever you put in front of him. Remember when he ate that receipt? Well, I hope you're right. This tastes kind of funny. You don't need to look at it. Just eat it. It tastes burger-ish, but not good. Is that what you were going for? It's a... (muttering): Veggie burger. It's a what? A veggie burger?! Listen... Agh! Ugh! Why would you do that? Oh! Why? Oh! Teddy... Now I can't get the taste out of my mouth. Ugh! Look, I can't in good conscience serve you a burger every day. I don't see you shoving a veggie burger down Mort's throat, and he eats a burger every day. That's not true. I often get the soup. What?! You do? Soup?! Take it easy, Teddy. Wait. Teddy, you eat a burger every day? Of course I do! That's messed-up. You eat a lot of burgers, Mike, the mailman! Yeah, but I walk nine miles a day. Look at my calves. Wait. Don't look at my calves. They're not that impressive. Okay, here's the deal, Teddy. I'll-I'll make you soup or salad, but I don't think I can serve you my burgers anymore. You cutting me off, Bobby? I guess I am. You're cutting me off?! Is this some kind of sick joke?! I think it's for your own good. You stay the hell out of this, Mort! Bob, if you take your burgers from me, I will murder you and your mouthy wife. What? Huh? I'm sorry! I don't know what I'm saying. I'll kill you! Give me a burger! Teddy! Calm... down. You calm down! (groaning) Oh, my God. (Linda gasps) Whoa. I will replace that. I don't want to be alive. I don't want to be alive! He's handling this well. Mm-hmm. (alarm buzzing) Fire! There's a fire. Fire! No, Lin, it's the alarm clock. What? Snooze it. Oh, you know the buttons don't work. I have to unplug it. (mumbling) Louise: Someone unplug the alarm clock! (buzzing stops) Thank you! Where are you going so early? I told Teddy I'd go jogging with him. He wants to prove to me that he's healthy enough to be un-cut-off from our burgers. Why are you running if you don't want to? Just tell your teacher you have sciatica. I think it's sweet you're helping your best friend. Teddy's not my best friend. Teddy thinks you're best friends. He does? Linda: Sure. Eugene: Yup. Wait. Who's your best friend then? Mm... probably Walter Russo. Walter Russo?! When was the last time you talked to Walter Russo? (yawns) I don't know, like, six years ago. Bob, you see Teddy every day. Yeah, but Teddy's not my best friend, Lin. He's my best customer. There's a big difference. And I really value that 30 inches of Formica that's between us. Are you talking about your dingdong, Daddy? Brag. Yeah, well, off to take my best customer jogging so his heart doesn't explode. All right, have fun. Louise: Are you all in bed with Mom? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Coming up, coming up. (Louise hums) Oh, our little seal platform. (sighs) (ringing) What is that? My alarm clock. Got to go. (gasps) Oh! Uh, we gotta go check on... nothing! Oh, yeah, maybe the nothing's ready! Aw. (mumbling) (gasps) It's... perfect. Huh? Look how high my knees are! (panting loudly) I'm in great shape. Great enough for one burger? I don't think so, Teddy. Oh. Should we call the cops? Some kind of early morning gang brawl? Wait... I-I think they're fake fighting. Excuse me. What-what's going on over there? It's called stuntman boot camp. I'm in the best shape of my life. You're a stuntman? No. I just train like one. You should check it out. (hooting) BOTH: Whoa. Grenade! (yelling) And another grenade! (yelling) Got to admit, that looks kind of cool. Sort of cool. Well, that guy doesn't look cool. All right, great "grenadies," everybody. Now, don't forget to sign up for the intensive, weekend-long, stuntman boot camp in the woods. Where you might learn how to do this. Go ahead. Now this is actually a ten-story burning building, and I'm on fire. Ow! On fire! Oh, wow. I'm on fire! I'm on fire! So much fire! Falling and rolling like you're on fire burns as many calories as running, people. That is why, pound for pound, stuntmen are the greatest athletes in the world. Up top! Huh. I thought it was golfers. It's not golfers? Holy frozen nips! Look at this place! It's so slippery! (stammering) Yeah, we like it. It's all right, I guess. So, what do you do down here? Well, we've experimented with lots of stuff. We tried curling. Tina: We tried lying on the ice. That was refreshing. Some of us didn't like it as much as others, but we respect their opinions. Louise: And ice fishing. Gene: We did not get a bite. In the end, the most fun thing to do is this! (groaning) Whoa! So... pushing? Ice pushing. It all makes sense! Hi, Andy. Hi, Ollie. Hi, Louise and Gene and Tina's mom! Louise said to say we're meeting in the basement for homework club. Linda: Okay. Have fun. Homework club?! Oh, my God, they're doing drugs to each other! Push me till I feel something, Zeke! Well, well, well. Mom! Hey, uh, uh, we were just all getting... a-a head of... Yeah? A head of lettuce. Mom, you didn't happen to look down, did you? As a matter of fact, I'm looking down right now, Tina. (groaning) And... it's amazing! Oh, God, look at it shimmer! It's frozen water! They call it "ice," and it's gonna change the world! If you're gonna be pushing each other on the ice like this, you need to be wearing... Helmets. I know. I've been a broken record about it. No! Costumes! Glitzy ones with sequins! I want to be the bad boy of ice pushing like Elvis Stojko! And I want to be the bad boy of public radio, like Elvis Mitchell! I'll go get the costumes. Ooh, and don't tell your father. We won't if you won't! Got to love that woman. (food sizzling) Hey, Lin. Whoa! Where-where... where are you going? What?! What...? What? Nowhere. What's this stuff? What? What are we doing? We're making burgers? Let's do it. Let's go. What's this? This is to-go? Hey, buddy, catch! I-I got this. Geez, Lin. Here you go. Hey, there, Teddy. One veggie burger, please. I just got to use the restroom real quick. Hmm. You ever see Teddy with a briefcase before? Only in that one play. I forgot about that. Put the coffee down! Coffee is for closers only! Teddy, what are you doing in there? Teddy: Washing my hands or something. I can hear you chewing. You're chewing a burger. (gasps) Did you get that guy to buy you a burger?! Teddy: No, I'm just checking the bathroom to see that it's not leaking. (munching) He's eating! Teddy, stop eating. Teddy (crying): You don't know how hard this is for me. I paid that guy $300 to buy me this burger. Come on, Teddy, you owe it to yourself. Teddy: No, I don't. Okay. Well, then do it for me. Ah, you're just helping me because you feel guilty. Bob: That's not why. Yeah, it is. Admit it, Bobby. Bob: No, it's not. Admit it! Teddy, it's because... you're my friend. Your best friend! I didn't say... Besties. Linda. Really, Bob? (sniffles) We're best friends? I mean... ♪ Best friends till the very end! ♪ Lin. ♪ ♪ He crashes on your couch when he loses his job ♪ ♪ A guy pulls a knife, and you jump in front ♪ What?! ♪ You take the blade right in the gut! ♪ Oh, my God. Ow! ♪ Then he holds your hand till the medic comes... ♪ Linda, thank you. You son of a bitch. Get in here, bestie. Oh. Okay. You got it. (Teddy grunts) You got it. Yeah. ♪ You... feed him soup when he breaks his jaw ♪ ♪ You help him pee when he has that thing ♪ ♪ He's your best friend... ♪ (Teddy laughs) (organ plays on TV) Ah, hockey. Well, I-I guess it's time to hit the hay, huh? (phone ringing) Bup-bup-bup-bup, hold on, hold on. What? What? I got to take this. Hello. Really? We got in? Ha, ha! How about that. Okay, hey, we'll see you in the morning. Tremendous news! Remember how you said that stuntman boot camp was cool? You... didn't sign us up for that, did you? Better! I signed us up for the intensive weekend boot camp retreat in the woods! What? You did? Yup, the whole weekend. So I'd watch the restaurant, the walk-in, everything in the walk-in, and you'd be gone? Huh? Ah, nothing. And it's two to a cabin, so you and me will be roomie-caboomies! I don't know, Teddy. That, um, doesn't sound like something I want to do. What?! You've always wanted to do stunts in the woods. Yeah. Get the hell out of here! Yeah, go for it, Dad. Do it! Though you've already pulled off the toughest stunt of all... raising three great kids. Yeah. Come on, Bobby. My treat! Okay, I'll go. That's, um... Thanks. Aw, it's nothin'. Well, not nothin'. I won't have electricity for three months. But yay! Teddy: ♪ He crashes on your couch when he loses his job ♪ Okay... ♪ He helps you pee when you've got that thing ♪ Okay, that's great. ♪ He hates squirrels 'cause you hate squirrels ♪ Please stop. ♪ He's your best friend ♪ ♪ Your best friend... ♪ There's gonna be a lot of exercise this weekend. So take it easy, okay? You're not in the best shape, you know. I know, best buddy. Okay. Now I need everybody to breath out stress... Mm-hmm. (exhales) ...breath in stunts. Stunts. Congratulations, you've now got stunts inside of you. Now we're gonna get cracking and roll down these stairs here. So everybody knows that falling down a flight of stairs is the same as doing 100 sit-ups. Really? We're doing this? You're a mid-level drug dealer in an apartment stairwell. Cameras are rolling. Bang! You've been shot. Uh... Action! Action, man! Go! You got to go! Go! This is a go. That's you, Bobby. That was a go. Go, go, go go, go...! What? Wait a... Aah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow. Wow! That was terrible! Wait, have you done any of your morning melees in the park? No! Oh! Well, then you could really get hurt. Linda: Welcome to the Freezer-Dome! Whoever wins this whole shebang takes this baby home! Kids: Ooh. It's beautiful. Aw. You all look so cute. Everyone got their pillows? Everyone safe? Kids: Yes. Now let's rumble! If your butt touches ice, you're dead. Really? No. No, you're just out, honey. Two kids enter, one kid leaves! Kids: Two kids enter, one kid leaves! First up, Rudy versus Louise! Go! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why am I going against Rudy? He's a pushover, a cupcake. What? I'm tough. Rudy, I'm in your P.E. class. I was there for the kickball incident. That was humbling. Yeah. Hey, it's called weight class, cool breeze. Deal with it. You can't hang with the big boys, anyway. Oh, I can't hang with the big boys? No, I'm gonna hang with the big boys. You'll see. Look at me. Ding! (Louise and Rudy roar) Oh. All right, take care, buddy. Next! That's Mama's girl! This is sugar glass, everyone. Fights often end with someone flying through a window. It's a staple in action movies. And an amazing cardio workout, which you can incorporate into your daily routine. My grandmother does it. Now, Teddy, you're looking for the guy who kidnapped your daughter. Bob, you're the guy who kidnapped his daughter. Ooh. You are a horrible person. Teddy wants revenge. Go! Wait, why am I the person who's... (roaring) No! (grunts) Where's my daughter, punk?! (growling) (coughs) Get... Teddy, get off. Get off! Today, one of you will advance to the Freezer-Dome championship. The other one will leave in shame. But all the losers get stickers. Stickers of shame! Now fight! Clank-clank! You're going down, Zeke. Good luck with my low center of gravity. I'm practically unpushoverable. We'll see about that. Come on, girl! (grunting) (muttering) I told you you're going... (grunts) ...down. Yeah! I did it! I pushed a girl and not because I like her and didn't know how to show it! Oh. Sorry, sweetie. You got to get off the ice. Go on, get off. Louise versus Gene! Easy win, Gene. I'll be waiting for you in the finals. Well, if he shows up to the finals and looks like me, that's because it's me, Zeke! I'm Mommy to both of you, but let's see who wants Mommy's love more. Ding! I want Mom's love pretty bad, so look out. (grunting, gasping) Oh, yeah? How 'bout a little of this? (grunts) Well, you're sturdier than I thought. Sturdy and purdy. Hold on, hold on. I got something in my eye. (groans) Man, it's really in there. Gene, have a seat. This could take a while. No problem. You fell for it! Aw! She beat you fair and square, unfairly, here in the Freezer-Dome! She advances to the finals tomorrow! I'm coming for you, Zeke! Bring it on! (owl hooting) (loud snoring) (groans) You've got to be kidding me. (snoring) (coughing) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. (Darnell mimicking bugle) Wake up, stuntboys! I'm sorry that was weird... I don't have a bugle. It can't be morning. No, no, no, no, no. Big day today! You're gonna get chased by robots, get set on fire... it literally burns the calories right off. (imitating robot beeping) Freeze, human. We have apprehended you. Beep beep. All right, time-out, time-out, time-out. What is going on here? Oh, my God. You don't have the mental fortitude of someone that wants to train to not be an actual stuntman. It's like you don't even want to be here. Because I don't! What?! Look, you guys, I only came here as a workout buddy for my friend Teddy because I felt guilty. I mean, he's not even my friend. What are your words even meaning? Listen, between you and me, I had to say he was my best friend so he'd get healthy and not eat my burgers all the time. Oh, I sell burgers. So he's really my best customer, 'cause all he does is shove burgers in his mouth. But he's not my best friend. Oh. Oh, my God. Hey, Teddy. Hey. So, uh, you just heard all that. And you're on fire. Those words hurt more than that fire. Yeah, he's gonna be scarred inside and outside. And o... We should put... Put him out... he's scarring. We should put him out. He's starting to scar. Yeah. Why would you lie to me like that?! Who says they're somebody's best friend when they're not?! Look Teddy I lied because I care about you. Pull over here. Here! Stop the car, Bob! You're not the only man that sells burgers. I'm going to be a regular at Dusty's Feedbag now, friend. Come on, Teddy, get back in the car... Oh, and one more thing Bob... three years ago, you forgot a tomato on my burger and I said nothing... nothing! Teddy, don't go in there! You don't tell me what to do! Oh, wait, I guess this entrance isn't open. It's around the back. Then just come back here. You... Keep driving! Is it around the side or... Where am I? Something. It's right there in the front, the huge entrance. I think this door goes... Get out of here, Bob! I don't need your help! Boys and girls, girls and boys, future adults of America, it's time for the most important thing in the world... the Freezer-Dome finals! Only one of you will go home with this! (kids cheer) I want that belt. And I'm not gonna fall for your little tricks, girl. I wouldn't try to trick you, Zeke. Ding! Ow! Oh, wait, wait, wait! I got something in my eye. Hold on, hold on. All right, I guess I'll just take a seat here, bend my little knees down... Ha! Just kidding! Hey, hey, you had to try. You know why? 'Cause you're tiny! (grunts) Ah! You're home early. What, did you pull a hammy? No. Long story. Where's Linda? Downstairs, I think. Mike, what are you doing? That's weird. I'm normally over there. I thought you were with Teddy. Uh, he's at Dusty's Feedbag, his new favorite restaurant. Oh, that's not good. Why? You haven't heard of the Belt Buckle Belly Buster? They serve that there. Belt Buckle Belly Buster? It's a five-pound burger. If you eat the whole thing in a half hour, it's free, and you get your picture on the wall. Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no. Teddy! So you said it's cool to have more ice cream? Tina: You're gonna get destroyed. Throw in the towel! Never. Never, never, never! Finish her! Why you putting up a fight, you tiny sweet angel? Take your medicine, girl. Just go down. I'm s... I'm still totally gonna win, so shut your mouth. You might have beaten me, Louise, but blood is thicker than ice. But not actually. Time to unleash the beast. (inhales) (gagging) Now's your chance! (grunts) Oh, God. Oh, that's what killed the dinosaurs. That's awful. Ooh. Zeke is down! Louise, you win! Yay! ♪ Everybody kiss my butt ♪ ♪ Everybody kiss my butt ♪ ♪ Kiss her butt ♪ ♪ Everybody kiss my butt ♪ ♪ Everybody kiss her butt ♪ ♪ Everybody kiss my butt ♪ ♪ Everybody kiss her butt ♪ Yeah! Teddy! Bob. You didn't order the Belt Buckle Belly Buster, did you? Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. But I did. Excuse me. Uh, are you Dusty? Dusty? (chuckles) Uh, no. There's no Dusty. Uh, this is a chain, pal. I'm Kevin. I'm the manager. Listen, Kevin, you can't serve this guy your five-pound burger. Oh, okay, making a note. I can't serve someone a burger in my own restaurant. Look, Teddy is... Well... He has the biggest heart of anyone I know. Both because he's incredibly sweet but also because it's full of cholesterol. Which is why you can't serve him that huge burger... he-he might not survive it. (chuckles) Well, you know what? Big boy paid for it, so order up! Good God, look at that thing. Oh. Let me at it! You're not giving him that burger. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on, let that Belly Buster through. Please take the burger back to the kitchen, ma'am. (laughs) It is so weird that you think you work here. I just... Damn it, I don't remember hiring a fat Burt Reynolds. Look, this burger is not going anywhere. This is just fantastic. I'm gonna get to throw fat Burt Reynolds out of my restaurant! Oh, yeah? Well, I can get tough, too. And I'm staying. Guys, come on. Don't fight over me. Wait, is that what's happening? Bad news for you, Kevin. I've just been through a bunch of kick-ass training, so if you think you can just... Oh, no... Oh, yeah? Well, I hope you got trained to get your ass kicked! Actually, I did! Oh, God! Here comes the glass! (screams) Thanks for coming! Are you okay, Bobby? (groans) Real glass hurts so bad. Am I bleeding? Not, like, too much. And the concrete wasn't padded. It was so hard when-when I landed on it. Before you pass out, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. I have so much glass in myself. I'll get you out of here, buddy. All right, let's go to the hospital, Teddy. No, Bob. Let's go home. No. No, we're gonna go to a hospital... Shh, shh, shh. Home it is, Bob. Here we go, almost home. I'll just see if someone else can take me. Hey, even though I'm not your best friend, I really appreciate what you did. Look, I-I'm sorry I said you're not my best friend. Because you are. I am? Yeah, I mean, it depends on how you define it. You technically are my best friend. But, I mean... I might meet... Bup, bup, bup... stop right there, Bobby. But, I mean, I don't know who... Yeah. Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob. Eventually I... Enough. Can I carry you across the threshold? (sighs) All right. (grunting) Ow. Watch your head. Sorry. Linda: Aw, my little beat-up Bobby. Where's that belt from? Where's all the food? Shh, shh, shh, shh, shush. Is the ice helping? Pretty refreshing, right? Yes, Tina. How 'bout this? Is this helping? Thanks, Teddy. Yes, it's good. How 'bout some smelling salts? Oh, God. Come on! Oh, you come on. That fart's a winner and you know it! All right, let me smell it again. (sniffing) Yeah, you're right.