Oretron Trail

1 [Crickets chirping] [Both gasp] [Both sigh] And with the ceremonial Dutch oven completed, another Steve and Roger sleepover begins. What do you want to do next? - Jerk off? - What? Probably too early. We have even eaten our bagel bites yet. Steve's mom? Where are the bites? We can play some games on the vintage Macintosh we've been rebuilding. Dang! But we still need the mouse. Guess what came today? No! No way! Number Munchers, Dark Castle, Motorcycle Mayhem? Surprise me. [Beeps] What's this? It's Oregon Trail. You play as a family of pioneers trying to survive on the frontier. Um, can we play something else? Come on, it'll be great. If we beat Oregon Trail, we get to print out a certificate. Toshi got one. Carries it in his wallet instead of a condom. He's been drowning in muff. Well, he's straightedge, so he just makes out a lot. Oh, here we go. Time to hit the trail! [Beeping] Oh, we lost Dad. Stan's gone? - [Beeping] - [Keyboard clacking] - [Beeping] - [Keyboard clacking] [Computerized jingle] - [Beeping] - Sleepover's canceled. What? It just started. Dad hasn't even burst in in his underwear and told us to "Shut the [bleep] up or else. " All right, boys, don't stay up too late tonight. We have family picture day tomorrow. Full disclosure. Between the kitchen and here, that's actually the fourth time I dropped these. Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U. S. A. Aah! Good morning, U. S. A. Chomp, chomp, chomp! Still don't have a smile from Junior over there. - Chomp, chomp, chomp! - Haha-ahoho! The shark ate his nose! You guys seeing this? Roger, I spent over $3,000 on these damn denim outfits just smile. Smile for what? A photo I can look at in 1,000 years when you're all dead?! Before you got bitten by a snake?! A snake? Oh, God, what's gonna happen?! Are you talking about Oregon Trail? - It was only a game. - No, it's not! 'Cause even if you don't drown or starve to death, you're human, so I'm gonna outlive you all! What? I don't need some denim-clad reminder of when I was stupid enough to care about you! [Crying] - Stan? - I got this. Hey, uh, you know, I'd love to see more of you. If you ever want to go out and need a wingman, you know, this comes off. I'm really worried about Roger, hun. I know what'll cheer him up. One of my patented funny faces. [Making goofy noises] Stan, watch the road! My eyes are stuck! [Tires squealing, all screaming] [Crash] Francine! Dad Roger! Roger, get out of there! [Hoarsely] Good-bye. [All screaming] - - I miss you every day, Roger. The other night, I got in the sleeping bag and Dutch ovened myself. For a moment, I thought I could smell you. Then I realized you shit the sleeping bag last year. Anyway, sorry it's just me. The family's not exactly coping well. [Grunting] I want to talk about Roger. I miss him. Steve, you need to move on and deal with Roger's death in a healthy way like the rest of us have. Yeah! Dad's got his mustache, I'm deep into street fighting, and Mom's got her hair and cigarettes goin'. [Exhales] What's the point, Steve? Roger's dead. All that's left of him is our pasta claw. Thanks again for adjusting the handlebars. Arms are still regenerating. Of course, we get that all the time. This model doesn't have a sidecar option, correct? Unfortunately, no. Good. Got no need for one. You see, I'm a lone wolf. A renegade. Had a need for a sidecar once, but no longer do I have a need for one. Super. Turned my back on that way of life. Gonna stop caring about people. 'Cause when you care about people, you care when they're gone. Pretty cool, man. - [Starts engine] - Renegade! Not cool, man. Roger: I was a man with a family, who realized I was going to outlive that family. So I cut ties, got loose loose as a goose. Set out on my own, keeping everybody at goose-length distance. They're the world's longest bird if you pull hard enough. Whoa! [Screaming] So like I was saying, I'm a renegade. Movin' from town to town, helpin' people who can't help themselves Whoa, cow skull! [Screams] Three wheels. So safe. Makes way more sense. [Crickets chirping] [Clears throat] So, um, you know how I'm the only one who answers the phone anymore? [Southern accent] Does it hurt your arm, pattin' yourself on the back all day, Mr. Fancy Phone Guy? [Chuckles] That's an interesting accent, Mama. But I-I got a call today saying someone charged $31,000 worth of motorcycles to Dad's credit card in Missouri. Don't you mean Miz-oor-uh? Wh-What I mean is, it's weird. What's also weird is, the same week, a single man, calling himself "RenÃ© Gade" crashed six motorcycles within a four-mile stretch outside of St. Louis. D-Doesn't that sound like something Roger would Roger's dead, Steve! You need to accept it like we have! [Southern accent] Try doin' something with your life, boy! Even that scumbag Klaus turned Roger's attic into a neighborhood bodega. We've all moved on! - Miz-oor-uh! - We've all moved on! - Grow a mustache! - Miz-oor-uh! - We've all moved on! - Miz-oor-uh! - Grow a mustache! - Miz-oor-uh! - We've all moved on! - Grow a mustache! Miz-oor-uh! You think it's easy to run a bodega? Sure, it looks sexy as hell, with all my dusty cans and the smell of wet mango blunt wraps wafting over the big roll of scratchers. But behind the oldest boxes of cat food in town is a man who is under constant siege by shoplifters and thieves like you! Klaus, I'm just saying that last time printouts were $1. It's always been $2 per printout, bro. Read the sign. - [Bell jingles] - Get out! I don't like having two people in here at once. [Thinking] This guy's got sticky fingers. I'm sure of it. May I help you find something? The exit perhaps? Are these 64-ounce Arizona Iced Teas the biggest ones you have? Let me check in the back. Nice try, shit eyes. I know your game. I go behind that door, and you run off with a Duraflame and a pocket bottle of Rumple Minze. - What? - Get out! You want a bigger iced tea?! Well, I want the health department to let me reopen my deli counter! I want to be balls-deep in egg salad! I want to be able to brag that this is a Boar's Head establishment again! All right, listen up! There's a new renegade in town and he's hungry for 'gading! Now who has an injustice? Well, there is a local biker gang that's been terrorizing us. Well, not anymore. Something to eat? Thought I'd finish up these fries. - Those are cold. - I'm a renegade. I like my fries cold and my beers smokin' hot. [Whispers] That's them! A-Are you sure? I can't renegade unless you're 100% sure. I'm sure, I'm sure. It sounds like you're saying "unsure" - Whoa! - Aah! [Crash] You picked the wrong day to come in here! We got us a renegade! Mm, mm, mm! The fries are so good! Who's the renegade? This guy? - [Grunts] - Argh! Please, sir, help us! Fries, fries, fries, fries, fries. [Woman screaming] [All shouting] Ugh! You promised to help us. [Screams] [Blows landing] You're a coward. Would a coward do this? - - [Crickets chirping] Where are you going, Roger? He's riding the Oregon Trail! Ore-gone? Ore-ginn? Trail? Treal? Man, everything is sounding weird to me. My name is Steve. Steeeve. Stoive? Work hard, play hard, it's the renegade way. Hello? Anybody there? "Wanted, renegade. Minimal bravery and motorcycle skills required. " Yes! Uh, hello? Damn it, wrong side. Bluh-luh-luh-luh. Ech, should've parked closer. Stoive?! Roger! I knew you were alive! Why'd you do this? Roger, we're your family. Well, it's better if you're not! Because when you love something and you know you're gonna lose it, it hurts! And I can't keep doing it! - Keep doing it? - I loved another family once. As much as you guys. They were pioneers Wait a minute. I thought you landed in Roswell in the '40s. The second time. The first time, I was with my Aunt Carolynn. She had always been a bad driver. A little thing like her nephew's Nerf football bouncing on the light speed button and she was all, "Blaah! Brace for impact!" She was killed instantly. [Gasps] Oh, my God, that's terrible! Oh! Are we Are we both telling this story? No? Okay, then. Now, without further interruption where was I? Damn. Uch, forget it! Nah, nah, it's a good story, I'm gonna finish it. Anyway, that's when I met the Meekers, a family of fur trappers. They took me in, treated me as one of their own, and I joined them on their trip to Oregon. Things were going great till one of our wagon wheels popped off. That was an incredibly long hill. And I was exhausted. But I was in better shape than the Meekers. Roger, I'm so sorry. Now it makes sense why you're out here retracing the Oregon Trail. I am? I had no idea. I thought I was just following Soul Asylum from county fair to county fair. But playing Oregon Trail with you stirred up memories of the Meekers. And I realized I-I'm gonna outlive the Smiths, too. That's why I faked my death, hit the road, and became a famous renegade. But, Roger, people live so much longer now. I mean, with advancements in technology, who knows how long we'll be together. Technology, huh? Haven't really thought about that. It's a big deal these days, isn't it? What do you say? Ready to come home? Stop fretting about the time we don't have and start enjoying the time we do. Technology, baby! [Grunting] Look who I found! Yeah! - Roger! - You're alive! - Miz-oor-uh! - I'm sorry I left you guys, and I can't give you back the last year, although it looks like you all were doing great. What I can do is pick up right where we left off. The car accident? No, silly! Jerking off at our sleepover! I don't think that we agreed on that. All right, Steve, play it cool for your parents. [Crickets chirping] I thought we could start with a little Motorcycle Mayhem. Nah, come on big daddy, let's fire up that Dutch oven. Roger, I thought you'd never ask. [Screams] [Both grunting] Oh, this boy is so strong! Roger, help! Hold on, buddy! There you go, Dr. Weitzman. Mom? Dad? Where are we? Roger: Oh, good. You're all awake. - Stan: What the hell? - You were right, Steve. With technology, I'll never have to worry about out-living you guys. You'll be safe and sound inside my Macintosh. You mean our Macintosh! Seriously? That's your biggest concern right now? Roger, get us out of this computer! I'm putting my foot down! [Laughs] That's cute. - But your foot's over here. - [All gasping] Why are you doing this to us?! It's for your own good! You used to live in these vulnerable bodies. Bodies break down. Look. Ugh! I'm gonna be sick. No, that's the point. You're never gonna be sick again. Thanks to technology, you'll live as long as me. Roger, this is not what I meant. You're so humble, Steve. But when you started blabbing about technology this and technology that, it dawned on me. If the CIA can put Klaus' mind in a fish's body or Stan's car, they should be able to put the family in a computer. And Dr. Weitzman agreed to this? Not at first. But it turns out Dr. Weitzman is a big fan of $20. [Thinking] Just my luck. Another scumbag thief. Do you have any bags of marshmallows that aren't all melted together? - No! - That's fine. Probably packing heat. Getting robbed at gunpoint would be hell on my profit margins. Well, I'm ready to My thin margins! I'm the health inspector. You can reopen your deli counter. What am I doing? I gotta call my Boar's Head guy! Hayley: I'm not trying to trick you, Roger. That sounded like a gunshot in the house. Ever since you've been in a computer, you think you know what every sound is. I'll go see what it actually was. Okay, guys, I got a plan. If we can get into MacPaint, we can get a message to Klaus to come save us. How? This computer is connected to the printer in his bodega. Hayley, you're the graffiti artist start writing! - What? - You're You're into graffiti, right? You and all the girls in your gang? I'm not in a gang. But you got the bandana We're not very close, are we? Roger: Ah-ah-ah! And just to be safe He has total control over us! Maybe not. [Gasps] You dick! Everyone, into the game! It's our only way out! No! It's suicide! If we beat this game, we can print out a message to Klaus on the certificate of completion. We've reached the Kansas River Crossing! We can ford it, float it, or wait and see if conditions improve! Wait and see, wait and see This family's built ford tough! Dad, are you high?! I'll tell you what's high, Hayley. The heights you can soar to when you work together as a family - [Computerized jingle] - [Gasps] No! It's happening again! - [Beeping] - It's just a game. I-I didn't think we'd feel anything, but I now know how it feels to drown to death. Like a wicked-long keg stand! Come on, guys, we've got to beat this thing! [Oxen lowing] [Screams] [Gasps] [Gasps] Aah! [Whimpers] [Whooping] Ah! Aah! [Screams] [Gasps] Ugh! Aah! [Teeth chattering] Aah! - [Gasps] - Aah! Look! Over yonder! Francine: We made it to Oregon! - [Computerized jingle] - Steve: Quick! Print [Birds cawing] [Thinking] All right, Klaus. You shot an unarmed man. Gotta make it seem like a shootout, then it'll be his word against yours. Just a small chunk of fin. That's not gonna do it. Too small. [Screams] Oh, that's perfect. You can rest now, Klaus. Your margins are safe. [Doorbell rings] Man: Boar's Head! Boar's head delivery! Big round balls of turkey comin' in! Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod Ehh. Oh, my God. Ahh, my arm! Di Did Klaus save us? Oh, no, Klaus got shot up and robbed by some maniac. Then how are we back in our bodies? I think I know what happened. Roger saw us do what the Meekers couldn't. He saw us survive the Oregon Trail and was so impressed Wrong! I pulled you out of the computer because I saw you die so many times, it desensitized me. Desensitized you? Yeah, I watched you die in every conceivable way. Except for you, Francine, you just kept dying from dysentery. Couldn't stop drinking that mud water could you, you silly dumb-dumb? I was thirsty. So you're really cured? Yep, cured as a cucumber. The thought of you dying doesn't bother me at all anymore. Oh, Roger, that's all we could ever hope for! But when we are gone, we sure are gonna miss you, Roger. No, you'll be dead. You won't even know. I'll know. But I won't care. All right, Roger. We're happy you're back to normal, but let's try and be kind. I'll dance on your graves. Bye! Have a great time!