Finale (Momma Named Me Sheriff)

1 [TELEPHONE RINGS.] Mr. President, it's the king of England. King of England: [british accent.] hello? King, how the heck are you? It's been weeks, and you still have not returned my pen. Oh, right. I'll get it to you soon. When is soon? Soon! When will that be? I got to go. Wait. No, my pen! Every day, it's the same old gimme, gimme, gimme. The king wants his pen back. The president of china wants his socks back. The prime minister of canada wants his grandma back. It's cold in here, eh? Why do they keep leaving things in my office? Well, just destroy them. What? We have all these top-secret weapons, like the cats on the moon. For the last time, vice president, no. War is not what I need right now. What I need is an escape to somewhere simple where I'm not constantly being pestered. But those cats are just sitting up there ready to attack! Enough! [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.] Get me my pal sheriff. I'm going to old town. [TELEPHONE RINGS.] [SINGSONG VOICE.] Where's my pen? Run around town stealin' and killin' is how I get down What well, you better be aware of somethin' 'Cause momma named me sheriff Yeah, momma momma and don't forget it oh, no, I better go m-o-m-m-a momma named me sheriff momma named me sheriff So wait, whe president is coming to have a sleepover with you? Yeah, is that so hard to believe? I'm a pretty cool dude, you know? No, momma, I didn't want pigs in a blanket. I wanted cows on a pillow. Sheriff, calm down now, boy. Everything has got to be perfect so I can make best friends with the president. If you like him so much, why don't you marry him? Momma, Candy made a bad face. No, I didn't. Oh, yeah, you did. [CLEARS THROAT.] Sheriff. What?! Whoo-hoo. It's the president in the hizz-ouse! So good to see you. Come here, you little goofball. At ease, jenson. Deputy. Hi. If there's anything you need during your stay in old town, I'm here to help. Ah, we won't need any help, Goodman. We're good, man. Yeah, deputy. Why don't you take jenson and go show him around town? Oh, well, I I, uh okay. Welcome back to old town, your presidency. You remember my daughter, Candy. Hi. Candy, yes, a sweet treat indeed. [LAUGHS.] Oh. Come on, prez dawg, sleepover time! All right. All right. [CHUCKLES.] And this one goes, "way-ah, way-ah. " [BOTH LAUGH.] Yeah. This is great. I'm having a really good time, Sheriff. Me too, man. And it gets so much better. Tomorrow, I'm taking you to the fair! They got a bucktoothed shark this year. Hey, look at me. I'm a bucktoothed shark. [LAUGHS.] Whoa. Don't bite me, you hillbilly shark. [BOTH LAUGH.] You're the best, buddy. Oh. I'm the best buddy. Cool. Hey, you want to see something else cool? I stole my sister's secret diary, a lot of stuff in here about her being a stripper. Candy is so weird. You got to check this out, man. "They surround me, hungry eyes and hands. " [LAUGHS.] "'Gimme, gimme, gimme, ' they say. " Wow. "Life is an absurd dance, a ceaseless spin around a pole that never moves, no starting, no stopping. " Candy: Don't stop. Oh, brush burn. Oh, right there. More teeth, yes. [GASPS.] Oh, Mr. President. [CHUCKLES.] Oh, no. [BOTH LAUGH.] Morning, Sheriff. What's so funny? Sheriff, look who's fresh from a weekly washing. See? I told you we had a doll. [BOTH LAUGH.] uh, where's dog? Can we go to the fair now? Oh, I was thinking I might take Candy instead. [LAUGHS.] what? The president was supposed to be my friend! I hate you, Candy. You're just a stripper stripping me of friendship. [CRYING.] I forgot Abigail. [BOTH LAUGH.] - You, step right up. - BOTH: Oh! Guess the weight of the fattest deer in old town. Oh, I know. It's 951 pounds. Ow! Not you, stupid, the president. [LAUGHS.] Huh? It's so good to hang out with my best friend who's not the president! - Thanks for inviting me, Sheriff! - Quiet, Carl. I'm trying to make the president jealous. Oh. Mmm, mmm. Sheriff, I need to ask you something. Yeah, well, I'm kind of busy hanging out with my best friend, Carl. Spit it out. Ew, oh. What? Not you, Carl. Oh. Geeze, man. Would you, Sheriff, give me your blessing to be Candy's sweetheart? Why? She's just a weird stripper. Hey, your sister is a fascinating woman. Oh, that's it. Nobody calls my sister fascinating but me! [GRUNTS.] there it is. Whoa! Whoa! Help! Aah! Uh-oh. Mr. Vice president, there was an incident in old town. All jenson found was this. The president is dead, mr. President. Yes! [LAUGHS.] "Are you the president?" yes, I am! [LAUGHS.] Wow. [HUMMING.] Whoo! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.] What happened? Carl tripped the president into the shark tank. - Get it off of me! - Mr. President, you're alive! He's bleeding out! Here, let me help! He doesn't need your help, Goodman. He just needs some kisses from Abigail to make it all better. [SMOOCHING.] It'll be okay, baby. Huh? You read my diary? I just wanted to know more about you! [GROANS.] Yep, couldn't get enough of your weird stripper stories. [CHUCKLES.] How could you? [CRYING.] No! Ah, finally now we can hang. What? It's like I don't know who's clingier, her or the shark, right? Ah, you're the worst, buddy. What? And the worst brother. [SIGHS.] You need to go make things right with Candy. Now get out of my kitchen. Momma has got a shark to whack. Whoa! And in here is where we store our climate weapon The knife cloud. Whoa. Uh, what are these? - Robopants. - What do they do? They kick ass. Ah. Also, they turn people into honey mustard. Ah! And over here, we have some giant mosquitoes. Oh, the cats on the moon! Mr. President, please. Those cats are too unpredictable. You just never know when or where they'll show up. [CELLPHONE RINGS.] Hold on. Got it. The president is still alive. No, no, no, no! Okay. Who else knows about this? You, myself, Jenson, and some of the residents of old town? Hmm, I can work with that. [GUNSHOT.] [ALARM BLARING.] Meow. Meow. Meow. [LAUGHS.] Whoa. Oh! Hey, you. Go away, Sheriff. You want to dance, Carl? Sure, I'll take a lapper. [CHUCKLES.] - Sheriff: Oh, Carl. - Oh, hey, Sheriff. Look, Candy, I'm the one who stole your diary and had the president read it, okay? I'm really sorry, Candy Cane. Aww, you haven't called me that in years, but it don't matter. He thinks I'm just a weird stripper now, like you said. What? No, he wants to be your sweetheart. He told me so. Really? Really. Now, let's go get your president of the united states back. Not until the end of this song. Mm-hmm. Just another couple minutes here. Standing all around Mm. Huh? Huh? Huh? What the hell is going on? The vice president, he's trying to kill the president and wipe out anybody who might know he's alive. What? We got to stop him. Aah! Aah! Somebody help! Anybody! Huh? Goodman? [GUN COCKS.] Bloodthirsty bastards are everywhere. [GRUNTS.] Ow, ooh, ow! Help! These pants trying to turn me into honey mustard! Hey, pants! Shake a leg. [GRUNTS, LAUGHS.] Yeah! Huh? Uh-oh. Aah! Mmm, tangy. This way. Come on! Climate change is real! Run! Die, you knife cloud. Hey! Oop, I'm out. Me, too. Ah! Aww. Hey, that was me. Hold it. We've got company. Momma and the president could be in trouble. You guys check it out. I'll handle the little guy. Hey, mosquito! Why don't you suck on these? [GRUNTS.] Come on! Ah, the president! That's me! Well, as long as the president and anybody who knows about him is dead. Oh, no. But before I kill him and then you, there's just one thing I want to know, Sheriff. Is it true that you have a doll? Momma! Abigail! [LAUGHS.] his doll's name is Abigail. Ooh. I see why you came to this town. It's great. Hey! BOTH: Huh? Sheriff might be weird, but he's still my brother. Aww, that's the sweetest thing you've ever [SCREAMING.] Mosquito, finish them all! Carl, honey-mustardize it. I'm all jammed up. Here. Let me try. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. I swear this has never happened before. Ah, we're doomed! No, we're not. BOTH: Huh? Hey, skeeter, nice pole. Mind if I take it for a spin? Whoa! Baby, spin me all around Hey! Yeah! Candy! Get it, girl. [GRUNTING.] Spin me all around Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You won't let me down Yeah, Candy! Baby, you're okay. Oh, that was amazing. I Hmm. Should really take this. It's my wife. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.] What?! You're married?! How are you, sweetheart? - [CRYING.] Aww, - Candy, don't worry. You deserve someone better than the president anyway. King of England: Hello! Huh? I heard the president was here. I'm looking for my pen. Oh, and who might you be? [GROWLS.] [LAUGHS.] Oh. Thanks for asking me to be your best man, Candy. Thanks for being my best friend. [CHUCKLES.] Oh. Man, I can't believe Candy is going to be the queen of England! Shh. And do you, Candy, take the king as your Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I do. Get on with it! And do you, the king, take Candy as your wife? I do. Say, are those cats? [GUNFIRE, CATS MEOWING.] [SCREAMING.] M-o-m-m-a momma named me Sheriff Momma named me Sheriff momma named me Sheriff Momma, momma, momma, momma named me Sheriff She named me Sheriff.