Roy Rogers McFreely

Three, two, one, and Grand. That it is, boy. Nothing more satisfying than witnessing the uniformity of a neighborhood in sync. The only thing that even comes close is Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video. Dad, will you sign my petition? I'm trying to get the city to give us blue recycling bins for neighborhood. Absolutely not! I'm zombie dancing with my son. I get it. You're against recycling because I'm for it, right? Right. But in a way, wrong. Because everything you say is wrong. Hear that, Steve? That's the sound of The Man talking. - What the hell?! - Neighborhood Watch, missy. Mailbox stickers are against the bylaws. Great takedown, Greg. Hear that? An aboveground sprinkler on the front lawn. No sir. What's next? Prostitutes rising out of the ground and spitting all over our lawns? Not in my neighborhood! When's the next Homeowners' Association meeting? - A week from Monday. - Then I will see you in ten days. Stay at this emotional level until then. I know I will. This new toothpaste tastes exactly like I thought it would! It may not seem like much of a threat, but an aboveground sprinkler is a snake in the grass. And what about the children? Sure, it looks like an innocent game of dolly catch. But wait! Bad throw. I was having no idea of danger. I move to prohibit aboveground sprinklers. - I second that. - All in favor say "aye. " See, son? - The system works. - You were awesome, Dad. Stop killing Mother Earth. Recycle or die. We can't entertain motions not on the agenda. You can leave your jacket off, but please sit down. Say, Stan, have you considered coming back to the board? We still don't have a chairman. No can do term limits, you know. And I served my eight terms. - Maybe I could be chair - No! Sweetie. I'm sorry, I cut you off. Please finish your thought. Maybe I could be chairman. Why doesn't Stan think I have what it takes to be chairman of the Homeowners' Association? All it takes is two hours on Monday night. I don't do anything Monday nights. - You clean my bowl on Monday nights. - Humans are talking! Dad just doesn't get it. He doesn't even want to learn about recycling. He's a fudge-maker. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. - Where's the cola? - In the pantry. Oh, no! What?! - It's room temp. - So put it in the fridge. Look, Stan will be home from the store any second, and I put grenadine on the list. Grenadine turns cold cola into a Roy Rogers. You know what grenadine turns warm cola into? You tell me when I throw it in your face. Sorry I took so long. I farted pulling into the driveway and I just wanted to enjoy it for a while. Stan, is there another bag in the car? But there's no grenadine in here. - You don't need grenadine. - Yes, I do. It goes in cola to make a Roy Rogers. I had a Roy Rogers once. Hated it. Won't have it in my house. That and Cilantro. Not the herb, the Mexican singer. I want nothing to do with him. - But that's not fair. - No grenadine! - I'm dying. - No whining! What the hell? - What are you doing? This is my car. - Sorry, bruddah. It was parked in the front of the fire hydrant. - But we don't have a fire hydrant. - You do now. Morning, Stan. Here to inaugurate the new hydrant? - Better christen it with my fire hose - Principal Lewis! Are you excited or terrified? I have to decide whether I'm joking or not. What's this hydrant doing here? It was pushed by the new chairman of the Homeowners' Association. - Roy Rogers McFreely. - Who? Roy Rogers McFreely's the name. Chairing the Homeowners' Association's my game. Yes, I know what you're thinking, but the jacket is vintage. - You won't find one anywhere. - You can't put a hydrant here! Oh, no? Is this inside your house? Maybe you're in charge there, where they don't serve grenadine! But out here, I'm the law. You're in McFreelytown. Royville. Rogersberg. Excuse me. Anyway, this is my town. Charles, we're moving out! I apologize for the lack of drama in this exit. See something you like? Nice, isn't it? A gift from the fire chief himself. Because of the hydrant. You know how hard it is to get a real fireman's helmet? I should know. I tried to order one online so I could go in and loot burning houses. Now, I can. Can't wait to head downtown if the Wizards win the championship. You feel that pressure on the back of your neck, Dad? That's the thumb of The Man pressing down on you. I'm still The Man. I'm going to have that hydrant removed next Monday at the meeting. Yes, The Man gets the biggest piece. And you? You'll have this little piece. While you're serving me, how about a little dollop of horseradish. This is my horseradish! All of it. Well, you win this round. I'm going to go to my room and listen to Cilantro albums. El perro, el perro es mi corazon Dad, what happened to the system? Is it broken? No, son, the system's stronger than an alien in a wig. At next Monday's board meeting, that hydrant's going bye-bye. Excuse me a second. Oh, God, it hurts more coming up! You woke me up in the middle of a dream! I was in the "Sledgehammer" video, and I was made of clay, and I was so flexible and I loved it! Oh, that's a good video, yah? But the Homeowners' Association ordered earlier trash pickup at this house only. - Tell him seven days a week. - Seven days a week! - Tell him no. - No! I can hear you. Drive! Let's go! I can see you. I can see your whole upper body. Good morning! Get me out of here. He's putting it together. What's the matter, Dad? The Man got his boot up your ass? Don't worry, I'm fine. The system's going to pull that boot right out of my ass and sew my anus up nice and tight. Might even get it bleached. Birthday's coming up. Gotta think! Gotta clear my head! Stan, I told you. I have a fever. That's why I went to bed right after dinner. What to do, what to do, what to do Please. I really am not well. I'll just put that trash thing in the proposal at Monday's meeting. What the? A motion-sensor light? The Association doesn't allow motion-sensor lights. It does now. - Listen, Roger. - It's "Rogers". Roy Rogers McFreely. And I hate to waste a good spotlight. "You see a lot Dr. Lecter. "But are you strong enough to point that high-powered perception at yourself? "How about it? "Look at yourself and write down the truth. "Or maybe you're afraid to. " Well, that was good. And so I move that all bylaws, which have been recklessly amended by Chairman McFreely, be reinstated to their original glory. I also propose that a warning label be placed on all horseradish that clearly states that if you ingest an entire bottle, you will blow out your sphincter. Also, if anyone knows anyone who recently died with an intact size three sphincter, please contact me, as I'm currently very low on the waiting list for a donor. Let's put 'er to a vote. Anyone in favor? And I vote no. Motion denied unanimously. "In your face with a can of mace Make you cry all over the place. " Moving along Father Donovan, you want to paint your house a previously unapproved color. Linda, you want a hedge-height exemption. And Sergei, you like bus maps to be in Russian. I would prefer all maps be in Russian. Except treasure maps. Sergei don't need to go on another treasure hunt. No, sir. Turning to these motions which we secretly agreed to approve last night at Linda's house again, sorry I ate all the ambrosia salad, I did not realize it was for everyone all in favor? What? What's going on? Dirty politics. That's how your beloved system really works. - What are you talking about? - I think this symbol says it best. - Ghostbusters II? - What?! I got to stop smoking salvia before I go to the body painting place. "I ain't 'fraid of no ghost. " Oh, God, non-native ornamental grasses. Steve, don't look! Did you crash when you saw the non-native ornamental grass? - I did the same thing! - He did, the exact same thing. McFreely's corrupted the association with backroom deals. Well, there's no way we're going to enforce his obscene regulations. You're right about that. Because as of now, the neighborhood watch is disbanded. And the pink berets? What of them? I'll wear them on my feet when I pretend to be a lady surgeon. Tell me if I'm squeezing your ribs too hard with my thighs. You're not. How about now? - Who died? - The system. Happy, Haley? The system is dead. Dad, the system's not dead. For the first time in your life, you're on the outside looking in. The death you're feeling is the loss of your innocence. Thanks, Haley. Another simple point said long. Look, Dad, Roger's in charge and your wishes are counter to his. That means you're part of the counter-culture. And do know what that means, Dad? You and I are finally on the same side. You're right! - So, what do we do? - We stick it to The Man! Stick it to The Man? - Say it like you mean it! - We're gonna stick it to The Man. - Louder! - We're gonna stick it to The Man! - What are we gonna do? - We're gonna stick it to The Man! - Ten percent more! - We're gonna! - 90% less. - We'll stick it to The Man. - Power to the people! - Dad, that's still a little Hitler-y. Dad, I found out how you can reintroduce your proposal at the next association meeting. Look! - What is all this? - Forms! If we fill them out properly and submit them in a timely fashion, you can reintroduce your proposal within 7 business days. Does my headband look like the kind of thing a person who fills out forms would wear? Is Is that Mom's scarf? You're asking all the wrong questions, Steve! Now that Roger's The Man, it's time for revolution. But Roger's too powerful for just the two of us to take down. - We're going to need help. - When do I start?! I'll wear one of Mom's scarves, too. There's a butterfly one that's just gorgeous. I know the one he's thinking of. It is gorgeous. Thank you all for coming. We find ourselves in troubling times. Not compared to the rest of the world, obviously, but here in the bosom of our upper-middle class bosom - The bosom? - I'll take it from here, Dad. I kept saying bosom. I don't know why. I've never used that word in my life. It's okay, Dad, it's okay. Chairman McFreely may have disbanded the Neighborhood Watch. He may have taken your pink berets. But he can't take your spirit. Now is the time to fight. - What's happening? - We're being rallied by a strumpet. - Who's on the speaker phone? - That's Phil. He's agoraphobic, so he can't go outside. But he watches the corner of Wilton and Delancy for us. That's just the kind of dedication we're looking for. Together, we can render McFreely powerless, forcing him to resign in shame. And this is how we're gonna do it. With some unscheduled maintenance. - Vandalism?! - Constructive vandalism. We're gonna put our neighborhood back the way it was. Listen to them cheering. I think they forgot about the bosom thing. - They did. Don't bring it up again. - I won't. Bosom. - What's that pounding? - We're using you as a hammer. I'm part of the team! This is taking too long. On the next house, maybe we skip the primer - and just do a coat of paint. - Hey, I take pride in what I do. I'm a little ashamed of you right now. Slowly Slowly - Don't trigger that light. - I know how to pull a rope. I won threeBattle of the Network Stars. I used to be Gabe Kaplan. You know what would be funny? Put the flag up. The mailman will think they've got outgoing mail. That's a great idea, Speakerphone. Constructive vandalism?! Charles, how does my morning look? You have cereal and cartoons till 10:00. No can do. Summon the gardeners immediately. Time to get some payback. To the bathroom, princess style. The roses! McFreely and his thugs killed our roses! Every petal shall be avenged. We're gonna fight back with everything we've got. She's right. And besides, I have nothing left to live for. - We have a child. - Can't I be dramatic for five seconds?! They send one of ours to the hospital, we send one of theirs to the morgue. Damn it, McFreely! How could you do this?! McFreely didn't kill him, Dad. He died of old age. Well, if McFreely isn't responsible for this, what's his next move? - I think I know. - Yes, Speakerphone? Hello, morons. It's McFreely. I think it's time for Speakerphone to get a little fresh air. Guys, they're taking me out on the veranda! Oh God, I can smell the grass! Hang on, Speakerphone! We already lost Old Guy, we're not losing Speakerphone. Dad, they have names. There's no time for names! Come on, Jugs, Nerd, Gays to the van! - Phil, we're here. - Take me back in the house please! Terry, hang back for a second. I gotta ask you something. - Did you picture Speakerphone as - No, no, not at all. Me, neither. I was super surprised. Dije "Esta no es mi barca!" Let me in, you sons of bitches! I'll kill all your families! Good news. I've trapped the Mexicans in the house. See you later, boys. Sweet move. You should've bought the grenadine. It was on the list. It was unnecessary. You think everything I want is unnecessary. You wouldn't let me adopt a rabbit. You never let me watchThe Hills. You wouldn't let me get that Gael Garcia Bernal poster. His eyes are green and he's Latin. I need it! So, Mr. Tyrant, prepare to drink a Roy Rogers. No! I hate those! Get off me, you fat hag! This cola's warm. It's been in my pants for three weeks, serving as my meaty parts. Sad to see it go, really. Good job, Hayley! Stop! I got a sheet of acid in my pocket. Not until you resign from the Association. Not until I get a say at home. I want to be heard. Dad, you know how you felt when you had no say in the neighborhood? That's how Roger feels at home all the time. If I give you a say, you promise you'll resign? Yes, yes, I promise! Well, Stan, I guess it makes no difference now. It was me, Roger, the whole time. Damn, hombre, you can dance.