Super 80's / Captain America's Got Talent

(The segment begins outside a train station and a train whistle is heard.)

(Scene goes to Alice and Martin acting their movie out)

Alice Dainard: Would you love me if I turned into a zombie?

Martin: I'd prefer if you turned into your sister!

(Martin turns around paper to show Elle's (Alice Actor) sister)

(Scene goes to the left to see Charles, Joe and Cary capturing the scene)

Charles Kaznyk: Cut! Perfect! I got it all here on my stupid-8.

(Scene goes to the left to J. J. Abrams)

J.J. Abrams: Cut! NOT PERFECT! This movie is called Super 8, not Stupid 8!

Charles Kaznyk: Then why are we using all this stupid old stuff?

J.J. Abrams: Because I'm trying to capture the feeling (Light starts to shine on him) of how I felt when I was a kid. (J.J. Abrams shoots away light) Now, say it right, or you'll be on the next train back to Unemploymentville.

Cary: He ain't kidding! (Whistle is heard blown) There it is, heading right for us.

(Scene goes to train coming right at the crew)

Charles Kaznyk: Ok. I'll say it right! I'll say it right!

(Train crashes into the crew and leaves the crew in a pile of Rubik's Cube)

Martin: Whoa. (Holds a Rubik's Cube) What is all this stuff?

Charles Kaznyk: I don't know, (Holds a Rubik's cube) but it looks super-dated.

J.J. Abrams: (Gasps) It's better. It's...

(Scene goes to latch and out comes Papa Smurf, Raphael and two people)

J.J. Abrams: SUPER 80'S!

(Title card: Super 80's)

(Scene resumes back to the crew still in the pile of Rubik's Cube and on fire)

Joe Lamb: (Holding an iPhone) Check it out, I caught the whole crash on my cell phone.

(Scene goes to the iPhone showing Seth Green driving a truck)

J.J. Abrams: Seth Green?

(iPhone zooms in on Seth Green)

Seth Green: (On the iPhone) If I can't have the 80's, nobody can! (Laughs)

(Train whistle blows and Seth Green crashes into a train causing a huge explosion)

(Scene goes back to the crew)

J.J. Abrams: Ok. No need to panic. As we've learned from Gandhi and E.T., things from the eighties are very peaceful.

(Donkey Kong with Mario on his back grabs J.J. Abrams and starts to hammer him making beeping sounds)

J.J. Abrams: (Screaming)

Charles Kaznyk: Poor J.J. Abrams. He was trying to capture the 80's, (Scene goes to J.J. Abrams being carried away by Donkey Kong, Mario, Lion-O, Allstar Seaworthy and Dimmy) but the 80's captured him.

(Scene resumes to the crew)

Joe Lamb: We have to stop the 80's from taking over the town!

Alice Dainard: (Standing Up) Why? Weren't the 80's fun?

Joe Lamb: Yes, but they also gave us Urkel (shows a picture of Steve Urkel) and ALF. (shows a picture of ALF)

(The crew starts to scream and run around)

(The scene goes to the city where people are being chased by Pac-Man)

Pac-Man: Waka-waka-waka!

(He-Man slicing cars, Care Bears holding torches while riding My Little Ponies)

People: (Screaming)

(Charles, Alice, Joe and Cary are seen running away)

(People's cars are starting to turn into GoBots)

Old Man: Oh, my gosh! It's a Transformer!

Red Gobot: Actually, I'm a Gobot.

Old Man: A What-Bot?

Red Gobot: A Gobot! Just like Transformers, only smaller, not as popular, and, uh... (cries) I wanna be a Transformer!

Alice Dainard: Look! It's Lady Gaga!

(Scene goes to Madonna dancing to techno music)

Joe Lamb: Nah. That's Madonna. I think she's the one Lady Gaga stole her act from.

Alice Dainard: So, I'm guessing that weird guy with the Hawaiian shirt is NOT Russell Brand.

(Scene goes to "Weird Al" Yankovic dancing to techno music too)

(Martin walks up to the group)

Martin: Guys, the air force sent in paratroopers!

Joe Lamb: Actually, I think those are just people (Scene goes to 3 men in parachute pants dancing) in parachute pants. That was big back then, too.

Alice Dainard: How do you know so much about the 80's?

Joe Lamb: My dad watches a lot of VH1.

(Scene goes to a television with Michael Ian Black.)

Michael Ian Black: (Laughs) It was a crazy time! And yes, this counts as television.

Joe Lamb: Everyone in town has been "cocooned" (Scene goes to cocooned Bill Cosby-type sweaters) in a Bill Cosby-type sweater. (Scene goes to J.J. Abrams) And look, there's J.J.

J.J. Abrams: Guys, I was able to communicate with them. The eighties aren't trying to hurt anyone. They just want to build a space ship to get back to where they belong. See?

(Scene goes to a volcano making a whirring sound and stops when a space ship pops out and flies and avoids Asteroids like the Asteroids video game and lands in Steven Spielberg’s house who opens the door)

Steven Spielberg: Ahh. Here's the eighties stuff I ordered.

(Scene goes to the left to show the group of kids)

Group of Kids: Steven Spielberg?

Joe Lamb: What do you need all this stuff for?

Steven Spielberg: Are you kidding me? Without the 80's, I don't have a career. Why else would I make Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull?

(Indiana Jones walks by the door whips his whip but causes his back to groan)

Indiana Jones: (Groans and walks out of sight.)

Steven Spielberg: Next, I'm going to make- are you ready for this? Batteries...Included.

J.J. Abrams: Not if I make it first!

(Scene goes to J.J. driving a truck really fast)

Steven Spielberg: J.J.! Wait! (Scene goes back to Steven and the kids) We can do it together! We can--

(Scene goes to J.J. Abrams driving and breaking through the fence and flying in the air.)

J.J. Abrams: Yee-haw!

(J.J. Abrams stops in mid-air and Narrator starts to talk)

Narrator: Now, don't you worry 'bout those director boys. I'm sure they'll work things out. And if you don't understand this endin', well, go ask your parents.

(J.J. Abrams' truck moves again and lands at the house causing a huge explosion and ending the segment)

(Scene begins at S.H.I.E.L.D. Headquarters 10:30 a.m. as shown in the subtitles)

Nick Fury: Men, we are gathered here today to finally assemble the avengers.

(Scene goes inside to see Nick Fury, Iron Man, and Phil Coulson)

Nick Fury: Now I've recruited Bruce Banner, (Scene goes to Bruce reading Hulked on Phonics) which gives us the power of the Hulk.

Bruce Banner: I'm the third guy to play this role!

Phil Coulson: And I've recruited Thor, (Scene goes to Thor doing exercise) the god of thunder. Iron Man, who'd you get?

(Scene moves closely on Iron Man)

Iron Man: Well, let's see. I made a lot of calls, put an ad on Craigslist, then I---(Slams fists on table hard) are you kidding me? (Iron Man slaps Nick Fury and Phil Coulson) I got me, you dummies.

Nick Fury: Ow!

Phil Coulson: Oh, right, right, right. (Writes on paper) Iron Man is in?

Iron Man: Iron Man's in. Keep it up, pal, and I'll Terrence Howard your hide.

(Cat is heard screeching)

(Table bumps and out comes Captain America)

Captain America: What about me, Captain America?

Nick Fury: Where'd you come from?

Captain America: Under this table. But that's not important. Do you have a job for me or what?

Nick Fury: Listen, Cap. We think the world of you, but the fact is, you don't have any powers.

Captain America: Powers? Ha! I've got something better than powers.

(Scene goes to title card "Captain America's Got Talent" the letters are United States Flag like)

(Scene resumes back to Captain America on stage)

Captain America: Uh, first, I'd like to thank you all for being here. (Stammering) I'm Captain America, and- right. You know that, huh? (Hits head with hands) Stupid, stupid, stupid!

(Scene goes to judges)

Nick Fury: What are we doing here?

Phil Coulson: What is Piers Morgan doing here?

(Scene goes right to reveal Piers Morgan)

Piers Morgan: Oh, it's the law- Every talent jury requires a British judge. Plus, who'd want to miss this?

(Scene goes back to Captain America spinning a shield with a long stick)

Captain America: That's right. This is me spinning my shield. What, can I spin 3 shields? Well, I don't know if I can- (Scene backs out to reveal 2 other shields being spun by long sticks) Hello!

(Scene goes back to the judges with their eyes following the shields, also people in the background are cheering and whistling)

(A loud crash is heard, the judges put their hands over their heads and people are gasping)

(Scene goes to Captain America on the ground and his shields rolling or on the ground too)

Captain America: Darn it- always stick with the round ones.

(Scene goes to Iron Man and Phil Coulson)

Iron Man: Ugh. Can we speed things up? I've got a date.

Phil Coulson: Ooh. With who?

Iron Man: Duh- whoever I want.

Phil Coulson: Man, he's cool.

Captain America: Did somebody say cool?

(Scene goes to Captain America riding a motorcycle inside a giant ball going in circles.

Captain America: This is not easy, you see. Hard to do! Can I do this with no hands? Well that would be imposs-- (Captain America lets his hands go and starts to laugh)

(Scene goes back to the judges who are not following Captain America and are busy doing something else)

Iron Man: (While on the phone) Spider-Man? It's me. Still want to be an avenger? Yeah. He's making a total fool of himself. Oh! Hang on. I got to go. He's singing now. (Laughs) I'm not kidding.

(Scene goes to Captain America in a dress)

Captain America: ♫ I dreamed a dream inside my mind ♫

(Scene goes to the judges whose eyes are starting to water up and are feeling sad and blowing their noses)

♫ I dreamed a dream that I was naked ♫

♫ I dreamed a dream that I could fly ♫

(Scene goes to Captain America but slowly zooms out showing his dress. Also people start to cheer)

♫ But then, I woke, and I had bacon ♫

(People start to cheer and applause at Captain America)

Captain America: So, what do you think?

(Scene goes to Phil Coulson)

Phil Coulson: The biggest "yes" I've ever given in my life.

(Scene goes to Nick Fury)

Nick Fury: Oh, have I got an eye for talent. It's this one, (points to his left eye) by the way.

(Scene goes to Iron Man)

Iron Man: You can't see it, but I am weeping in here. Yes, yes, yes.

(Scene goes to Piers Morgan)

Piers Morgan: I agree with the robot.

(Scene goes back to Captain America)

Captain America: Great! Let me just get my things from under the table.

(Captain America walks over there in heels)

(Scene goes to Phil Coulson holding a plate of eaten chicken wings.)

Phil Coulson: I think he's been living under here.

(Captain America, in his suit now, comes while with a shopping cart)

Phil Coulson: Well, congratulations. (Zooms in on him) You're officially an avenger.

Captain America: Wow! Thank you. All I can say is, I quit

Nick Fury: You what?

Captain America: I didn't want to do this forever.

Phil Coulson: You were an avenger for 9 seconds. That's less than Moondragon.

(Scene goes to Moondragon on the computer)

Moondragon: It's true! I checked!

Phil Coulson: Who would be crazy enough to join the avengers and then quit?

(Captain America pulls off his mask to reveal James Franco's face)

Judges: James Franco?!

(Scene goes to Phil Coulson who bonks himself in the left side of his head.)

Phil Coulson: That's why I was getting lost in his eyes.

Nick Fury: Why would you do this?

James Franco: To add to my (Pulls out massive list) already-massive list of life achievements. (James reads his list) Actor, soap star, artist, poet, Oscar host--

Phil Coulson: Meh.

James Franco: Hey, (Pulls away list) I didn't say I was good. I said I did it, (Pulls back list) and now, I can add Avenger to the list. (Throws away list) Thanks, fellas.

(James Franco walks away with his shopping cart while a cat screeches.)

(Another Captain America pops under the table with no shirt)

Real Captain America: Guys, you're never going to believer this. (Camera slowly zooms in on him) I was sleeping under the table--don't ask--when suddenly, Ph.D. Candidate James Franco kidnapped me. But luckily, I broke free, and I'm ready to be an avenger.

(Camera goes to Iron Man holding a phone and talking to Spider-Man)

Iron Man: Yeah. Spider-Man? You're in.

(Segment ends)