Semper Lie

Tina, I hear what you're saying. I do. I just feel that since you were with me when I got the parking ticket, you should pay half of it. I got to go. It's the other line. Hello. This is Daffy Duck. Oh, you know I would love to go door to door to help the mayor get reelected, but unfortunately, I'm not a United States citizen, so I probably shouldn't get involved with your politics. Where am I from? Uh Albania. Albania. I'm from Albania. Yes. I am, how you say, visiting your country. So I sorry, but please to take me off your phone list, ok? Adios. That's Albanian for good-bye. Bugs, I hear what you're saying. I just feel that since you're my roommate, you should pay half of the parking ticket. Now, would this payment be in addition to letting you live here for free? Yes. Sounds like a great deal. It is a great deal. It's your chance to get in on the ground floor. Today's the 14th. If I don't pay it today, the fine doubles. - Today's the 14th? Oh, no. - What? This weekend's the annual peach festival. Porky's going to ask me to go with him. So? So I've gone there 3 years in a row, and it's horrible. It takes 6 hours to get there. You're in the middle of nowhere for the whole weekend. It's hot. There's tons of mosquitoes. You stand in these long lines for peach cobbler, peach soup, peach sandwiches Yecch. Too much peach. Make up an excuse. Lie. I'm not going to lie. That's your area. Good point. Know your role. But if it were me, I'd tell him I can't go because I'm an alien. I'd say I look like Daffy Duck on the outside, but I've been taken over by an alien who lives on the inside. And why can't the alien go to the peach festival? I don't know. He's got a bunch of alien stuff to do. It doesn't matter. He's not going to ask that. All he'll be thinking about is that I'm an alien. When are you going back to your home planet? Just tell Porky you don't want to go. I can't do that. It would break his little pig heart. Well, then, I guess you're going to the peach festival. Hey, Porky. - Hey. - How's it going? Oh, peachy. You know why? Because this weekend is the peach festival! And this year, the theme is dress as your favorite peach. Wow. That soundsfun. What time should I pick you up? Listen, pork. Um I don't think I can go to the peach festival this year. What? We go every year. It's our tradition. - I know. - The peach soup! - I know. - Why can't you go? Pork, the truth is, I promised Lola I'd do something with her this weekend. Well, that's no reason not to go. Bring her along. Oh, uh I can't bring her along because She's moving this weekend, and I have to help her. I'm helping her move. So that's why I can't go. Oh, well, I'm disappointed, but I understand. Thanks, Porky. Wow. That was easy. Oh. Hey, Daffy. I didn't know this was your bank, too. It's not. Then what are you doing here? Waiting to see if anyone drops money. What's the story behind that? Someone's birthday? You got a lot of money, Porky. Thanks. Oh, hey. You want to go to the peach festival with me? Can't. Why not? I'm not Daffy. I'm an alien that took over his body. Does the alien want to go to the peach festival? Who would ask that? I don't think aliens eat peaches, at least not the one in my body. Isn't Bugs going with you? He can't go. He's helping Lola move. - Lola's moving? - That's what he said. - Why is Lola moving? - I don't know. - Where is she moving to? - I'm not sure. Well, have a good weekend. Why would Lola be moving? She just moved into her apartment. Bugs must have asked Lola to move in with him! That house isn't big enough for 3 people! That means I'm out! He's sending me back to my home planet! But I don't have a home planet! I'm not an alien! Were you going to drop any money? Shouldn't you be packing boxes? Oh! Hey, pork. Yeah. Just grabbing a quick slice. Then, off to pack all those boxes. Shouldn't you be at the peach festival? I'm getting a pizza for the road. Oh! Hey, Bugs. Hey, Porky. Lola! What are you doing here? I was just getting some lunch. Oh, we should all eat together. We can't. You've got to get on the road. - Oh, where are you going? - Doesn't matter. The peach festival. How's Porky's pizza coming, speedy? Ooh, the peach festival? I've always wanted to go to that. Yep, it's a lot of fun. Tons of fun. Speedy! Look, man, just because I'm fast doesn't mean my oven's fast. It's a regular oven. Ok. You got your pizza. It's time to hit the road. Oh! All right. - Well, have a great weekend. - Phew. - Good luck with your move. - Oh, boy. What move? Bugs said he's helping you move this weekend. I'm not moving. Why'd you tell him I was moving? Yeah. Why'd you say Lola was moving? I didn't say Lola. I said viola. Viola. Viola's moving. Who's viola? You're asking me who viola is? Yeah. Who's viola? Viola'smysister. You have a sister? I didn't know you had a sister! Yeah, my big sister viola. How come we've never met her? Oh, well, she's shy. Painfully shy. Well, we have to meet her before she moves. That-that would be nice, but Porky's going to the peach festival, so, you know, bye. Forget the peach festival! Meeting your sister's more important than the peach festival. Yeah. We'll help you guys with the move. Where does she live? Where does she live? Yeah, what's her address? Uh Uh Market street. Ooh. That's a rough part of town. It is? I mean, I know. That's why she's moving. Well, I better go cancel my hotel reservation. Looks like I'm staying in town this weekend. Porky, you really don't have to. See you tomorrow. Oh! I am so excited to meet your sister! Lola, you're not going to meet my sister. What? Why? Because I don't have a sister! I lied to Porky so I wouldn't have to go to the peach festival with him. Ok. First of all, you would never lie. That's not your area. Second of all, who wouldn't want to go to a peach festival? Third of all, I totally see what's going on here. You don't want me to meet your sister because you're afraid we'll become best friends, and then, I won't have any time for you. Bun-bun, I will always have time for you. Always. Except right now. This is my me time. I came in here to eat by myself. You're kind of smothering me. Boundaries Excuse me? One of your fax machines just ate my rÃ©sumÃ©. Bummer. Can I move in with you? - What? - Lola's moving into Bugs' house, so I'm out. Let me live with you. Uh, I'm not living with anyone till I'm married. Darling No. Darling I guess romance really is dead. Why did I have to say market street? Ooh. Poor viola. Ok. Now I have to fill it with a bunch of furniture for tomorrow's move. Where am I going to get a bunch of furniture? Maybe I'm overreacting. Just because Lola's moving in doesn't mean I'm out. They probably want me to live with them. I'm the fun guy. They need me here. Mother! This neighborhood's even worse than I thought. I hope my car's ok out there. Oh, where did viola get this furniture? It's hideous. Well, I didn't exactly have a lot of time to get anything better. - Huh? - I mean, uh, when I picked out the furniture when she moved in all those years ago. Mm. That's a weird place to put a bed. It's a fine place to put a bed. It's too bad viola had to work on a Saturday. Yep. I know. She really wanted to meet you guys. Why does her dresser say "Property of Daffy Duck"? Huh? Oh. Well, she and Daffy had a thing in college. It didn't end well. - Daffy went to college? - Just pick up a box. Well, we did it. Viola's all moved out, so I'll take it from here. Well, we can go with you to her new place. Ooh, that's a great idea. She's going to need help moving in. No. - I mean, you can't. - Why not? Her new place is really, really far away. - Where is it? - Very, very far. She's moving to Uh Albania. Al-Albania? Well, then why did we load up a trailer with all of her stuff? You can't drive to Albania. Huh? Oh. Right. That's why I was going to drive to, uh, a shipping company. You ship stuff to Albania. Everyone knows that. So, you want to ship everything in that trailer to Albania. No. I just said that outside in front of those crazy people. I actually just need this all shipped back to my house. Here's the address. This is, like, 5 minutes from here. It'd be a lot cheaper just to drive it there. I'm well aware of that. Hmm. That'll be $1,248. Peach? No, thanks. So, let me get this straight. For the next 8 years, you're going to give me a place to live, you're going to provide me with all my meals, and you're going to pay me? That's an even better deal than I had! Where do I sign up? Right here. Welcome to the Marines. This is going to be fun. I've always liked marine life. I had a goldfish when I was a kid. Gene. Gene the goldfish. No, Gordon. Gordon the goldfish. Or was it Gary? You know, you guys can go. You don't have to wait. But isn't viola staying here tonight so you can take her to the airport tomorrow? - Did I say that? - Mm-hmm. Then I guess she's staying here. Excuse me for just a second. Glass of water. This is speedy. Hey. Do me a favor. Call me back in one minute. What? - Where's your water? - Huh? Oh. We're out. It's viola! Oh, hi, viola! - Viola? - What's that? You're stuck at work and won't be home till after midnight? Oh, I see what's going on. You're pretending I'm some fictional person saying lines I'm not saying. I get it. Ok. I'll let them know. Heh. Yes. I'll tell them how disappointed you are that you didn't get to meet them. Tsk, tsk. It's going to snowball. It's going to get out of control, man. It already has. Ok, viola. Thanks for calling. I mean, I expect this kind of thing from the duck, but not you, Bugs. That's not your area. Know your role. Heh. Ok. I'm telling you, this is going to end badly, man. I love you, too. Oh, can I at least say hi to her? Uh--I lost her. She went into a tunnel. I thought you said she was at work. Oh, right. She is. Yeah. She works in tunnels. She's a tunneler. Okey doke. Well, we tried. Thanks for everything today. It was so helpful. You know, I think I have a cousin who's a tunneler. Viola and I would have had so much in common. So much to talk about. Now, I definitely like to take risks with my hairstyle, but I don't want to be a victim to trends. Obviously, I'm not afraid to use product. It's definitely helpful with texture and body. But I don't want to be a slave to product. There are times when I want to look polished, and then, there are times when I want to wash and go. So what I'd love is for this haircut to be able to do both. That's a great haircut. And I'm a licensed cosmetologist, so I know what I'm talking about. Lights out! "Reveille" is at 0500! They even turn the lights out for you! This place is incredible! Get your sleep! You're going to need it! That guy yells a lot, but I like him. I think he's nice. I just really like the Marines so far. Good night, Corchran. Oh, hey, Corchran, I set my alarm for 11:30, but don't be afraid to wake me if the guys go whale watching or some other fun marine thing like that. Psst. Corchran. On second thought, forget about getting me up early. You could just tell me about the whale watching. Mama needs her beauty sleep. You know what I mean? What the- Hello? - Where are you guys? - Huh? We're at the airport. Viola's flight boards in less than an hour. - How do you know that? - We called the airport. This is the only flight to Albania today. Of course it is. I mean, we're stuck in traffic, so we'll be there soon. Man, I wish I was at that peach festival. Get up, get up, get up. Look alive, Jackanapes. Get a move on! - Anders. - Sir, yes, sir! - Bonitez! - Sir, yes, sir! - Corchran! - Sir, yes, sir! Duck! Duck! Daffy Duck! Uh, I'm sorry. There must be some mistake. I was going to sleep in this morning. I thought I made that clear to Corchran. Oh, you guys going to breakfast? I'd join you, but I'm going to try and get a little more shut-eye. Don't worry about me. I'll just grab a granola bar or something-- Listen to me, you little maggot. From now on, you will speak only when spoken to! You're about to endure more pain and suffering than you ever thought possible! And it only gets worse from there! This is not summer camp. This is not finishing school. This is your worst nightmare! This is the United States marine corps! Ohh! That Marines. And I thought it would be bad to be dressed as my favorite peach. Oh, look! That must be viola! Bugs obviously got the looks in the family. Viola? That's me! Ohh! It's like I have a sister! Where's Bugs? Oh. Heh. He dropped me off out front. Mmm. Couldn't handle a long good-bye. That is so him. You know, underneath that cool exterior and all that sarcasm, he's just a vulnerable little bunny in need of a good cry. Yeah. He wants to cry, all right. Now boarding, flight 787 to Albania. Well, you guys should probably get going. Oh, wait. I made you these traditional Albanian dumplings for the flight. And I got you this Albanian flag. Well, it's a Mexican flag. They didn't have an Albanian flag. It's probably in the ballpark, though. I can't believe we all just met, and now, you're going to Albania. I can't believe I'm going to Albania, either. This is the final boarding call for flight 787. Look at me, going to Albania. Make sure you look out the window when you take off! We'll be waving! Of course you will. Problem? I'm not a spy! There's a simple explanation for this! I was dressed as a woman because I was pretending to be my fake sister so that I didn't have to go to the peach festival with Porky! Oh, boy. How you doing? Who are you? We're the United States Marines. You're coming home. - Bugs? - Daffy? What are you doing in an Albanian prison? What are you doing in the Marines? I needed somewhere to go after you kicked me out of the house! I didn't kick you out of the house. Then why did you tell Porky you were helping Lola move? I just told him so I wouldn't have to go to the peach festival. You lied? - Who told you to lie? - You did! You're not a liar! That's my area! Know your role! You mean it was all a lie? Why didn't you tell me? I did tell you! Oh. Right. You totally told me. Bugs! I can't imagine what you've been through. Being in prison for a year? How did it happen? Well, it's kind of a long story. Perfect. You can tell us in the car. The car? Where are we going? This weekend's the peach festival! You're kidding. I can't believe you got out when you did. A few more days, and you would have missed the peach festival two years in a row! You're so lucky. So lucky. Well, at least I'll never run out of pickled peaches. What are you doing here? I'm not cut out for the Marines. Too hard. - And they just let you out? - No. Then how'd you get out? Flat feet. Ooh, pickled peaches!