The Irish Pub Formulation


 * Sheldon: You know I can't keep a secret!
 * Leonard: You can if you try. Think about it this way: if I were and you were, you'd keep that secret, right?
 * Sheldon: Why do you get to be Batman?
 * Leonard: Because the Batman has the secret.
 * Sheldon: Alfred has secrets, too!
 * Leonard: Like what?
 * Sheldon: Alfred knows that  is . Which I've now just told to Batman! See, I cannot keep a secret! The fun starts with brunch at Carney’s in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we’re off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at, that’s right, the Hollywood Carney’s, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.


 * Sheldon: You've asked me to lie on your behalf, and as you know, I am deeply uncomfortable with impromptu dishonest, so I've provided you with an iron clad alibi. You couldn't have spent last night with Priya, because you were with another woman.
 * Leonard: Oh, I’m so sure I’m going to regret this, but, who was I with?
 * Sheldon: The fun loving, and morally loose, Miss Maggie McGeary.
 * Leonard: Oh, God.
 * Sheldon: You met her at Pasadena’s most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin’s, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams.
 * Leonard: (reading a napkin Sheldon has handed him) Leonard, call me if you’re interested in coitus. Sincerely, Maggie McGeary.
 * Sheldon: And if anyone were to actually call that number they will hear this.
 * Mechanical voice on Sheldon’s phone: Top of the morning to you. You've reached Maggie McGeary. Leave a message after the wee little beep.
 * Sheldon: It’s pretty convincing, huh? And it wasn't even a real person. And here is the clincher. A lock of Maggie’s flaming auburn hair.
 * Leonard: Where did you get that?
 * Sheldon: From an orangutan in the primate lab.
 * Leonard: An orangutan?
 * Sheldon: Well, no-one’s going to run a DNA test on it, Leonard, honestly you over-think everything.


 * Howard: Raj, I just want to say that I would never betray your trust. Unlike Leonard, I respect you.
 * Leonard: Really? Was it out of respect that you didn't tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?
 * Raj: Dude, I put that thing on my face!
 * Sheldon: I think a more amusing violation of Raj's trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving.
 * Howard: Hey, I didn't see you giving back your Snoopy snow cone maker!
 * Raj: That was all a lie? This year's gifts are already wrapped!
 * Howard: And as long as we're talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard's food?
 * Sheldon: Excuse me! That was not a betrayal. That was an experiment to see at what concentration food starts tasting... mothy.
 * Leonard: You put moths in my food?!
 * Sheldon: For science!
 * Raj: I can't believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth!
 * Leonard: I can't believe you used Sheldon's toothbrush!
 * Sheldon: You used my toothbrush?!
 * Raj: Not the brush part! Just the little rubber thing to pick food from my teeth and massage my gums.