Shell of a Man

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Shell of a Man" from season 4, which aired on May 6, 2005.

Plot
SpongeBob: (putting the meat on the patty) Easy... (takes all the condiments and throws them in the air. They all land nicely stacked on top of the patty) Perfection!

Squidward: Is number 5's order ready yet?

SpongeBob: Just a second, Squidward. Well, krabby patty, it's time for you to go now. (sniffles, starts to tear) You grew up so fast, I... (Squidward looks bored) Oh, I promised myself I wouldn't do this. (gives the order to Squidward) Just take it Squidward, take it away. (cries)

Squidward: Oh, brother. (into microphone) Number 5. Number 5.

SpongeBob: (shows a slip with the number 5 on it) That's me! (takes Krabby Patty and eats it) Mmm. My compliments to the chef! (laughs himself into the kitchen, where he notices something) Hello, what's this? (gets close to the window of the door where his eyes and Mr. Krabs' eyes meet)

Mr. Krabs: Come out here, boy.

SpongeBob: (walks outside) Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: (grabs SpongeBob and drags him under the dumpster) Hush boy, or you'll give away me secret hidey-hole.

SpongeBob: (whispering) What's a hidey-hole?

Mr. Krabs: It's where I hide me treasure. (pushes the dumpster aside and throws SpongeBob out of the hole) Catch! (throws a treasure chest at SpongeBob) Let's get that chest to the office, boy, pronto!

SpongeBob: What's in this thing? Treasure?

Mr. Krabs: A treasure trove of sorts. It's me memory chest from my years in the navy.

SpongeBob: Why'd you dig up your navy chest, sir?

Mr. Krabs: Well, my navy buddies and I are having a reunion. And I wanted to wear me old uniform. (opens chest)

SpongeBob: Wow, look at all your cool navy stuff! What's that?

Mr. Krabs: Arrgh! (takes out a tattoo) It's me first tattoo.

SpongeBob: Neat.

Mr. Krabs: And this is me 'Manly Toughness Trophy'. (shows a trophy with an arm at the top)

SpongeBob: How'd you win that?

Mr. Krabs: By being the toughest of the tough!

SpongeBob: Wow! Oh-oh. Who are those guys? (pointing to a picture with 5 sailors in it)

Mr. Krabs: Me shipmates. The toughest bunch to ever sail the grimy deep. There's "'Ol Iron Eye", (shows guy with iron for an eye), and "Mutton Chop", (shows guy holding a wrench), me, (shows Mr. Krabs in a navy suit), "Torpedo Belly", (shows big guy with torpedo in his belly), and "Lockjaw Jones". (shows guy with a big jaw & leaning on an anchor)

SpongeBob: Did you have a cool nickname, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Of course! I was called "Armor Abs Krabs".

SpongeBob: You were?

Mr. Krabs: What do you mean?

SpongeBob: Well, I guess you were thinner back then.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, really? (takes his navy suit) This is me navy cadet uniform. Prepare to eat your words 'cause I haven't put on more than a couple of pounds. (rips navy suit while trying to put it on) Ok, maybe I'm a bit bigger. But I'm still the toughest of the tough. Go ahead, lad, give em a punch.

SpongeBob: You want me to punch you in the stomach?

Mr. Krabs: Not in the stomach! In me armor abs!

SpongeBob: (punches Mr Krabs in the abs but his arm breaks into little pieces) wow, my entire arm disintegrated.

Mr. Krabs: I still got it. Now be a good lad and go get your station in ship shape. And leave an old sea-dog to rebel in his memories.

SpongeBob: Aye, aye, sir! (opens kitchen door) Alright, let's get this place ship shape. You men, stop laying around! (point to potatoes) To battle stations. (pouring fries into the grease fryer) All hands on deck! (puts 10 Krabby patties on the grill) Set course for full flavor. (turns knob on stove to the right) Ketchup and mustard off the port bow. (stepping on ketchup and mustard containers) One krabby patty ready to set sail. (holding krabby patty up)

Mr. Krabs: No!! (SpongeBob drops his krabby patty)

SpongeBob: (gasps) Mr. Krabs. (knocks once on Mr. Krabs door and it opens) Hello? Mr. Krabs? (Mr. Krabs is shown head down on his desk) You alright? Are you sleepy? (pokes Mr. Krabs body knocking it to the floor revealing a headless Mr. Krabs) Mr. Krabs!! (sniffs his arm) I don't smell his pulse. (a figure in the background rushes past SpongeBob) What's that? (figure is behind a barrel) Is somebody there?

Mr. Krabs: Don't look at me!

SpongeBob: (throws barrel away) You're alive! And naked...

Mr. Krabs: (crying) It's true. I've molted.

SpongeBob: What's molted?

Mr. Krabs: It's when a crab gets too fat and, I very well, outgrows his shell. It falls off.

SpongeBob: Wow.

Mr. Krabs: 'Armor Abs Krabs' can't show up at the reunion like this. All pink and soft and unmanly. I'm all flab and no ab! (sobs)

SpongeBob: Barnacles!

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Sorry about the foul language, Mr. Krabs, but you're acting like there never was a man in that shell. The crabs of his navy days was fearless. He wouldn't let something as insignificant as a missing shell slow him down.

Mr. Krabs: Yeah.

SpongeBob: Who cares how silly, pink & fleshy you look. How non-threatening, limp & soft you are. How... (Mr. Krabs cries) ...oops.

Mr. Krabs: I can't go anywhere ever again. Stupid, stupid... (kicks shell into the wall which ricochets back at SpongeBob. He screams. The shell lands on his hand and he runs around, screaming. Then he falls over and goes in his shell)

SpongeBob: Wow, it sure is dark in here. (pokes head through the shell) Look Mr. Krabs, I'm you!

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you're a genius.

SpongeBob: Well, I'm glad you got my point. It's not what's about on the outside. It's what's on the in...

Mr. Krabs: No, you barnacle brain. Not your silly metaphor. You, in me shell. It gives me an idea. You can go to the reunion and pretend to be me.

SpongeBob: I get to be a navy buddy?

Mr. Krabs: Course, you'll need some time to proximate me personality.

SpongeBob: Oh, that'll be a snap. Squidward and I have been doing it behind your back for years. (laughs)

Mr. Krabs: Alright, show me what you got.

SpongeBob: (pulls nose out to look like Mr Krabs' then imitates his voice) Look at me, I'm Mr Krabs. I love money.

Mr. Krabs: Heh heh, say that ain't half-bad.

SpongeBob: I once won a marathon because someone dropped a penny at the finish line.

Mr. Krabs: That's me. (laughs)

SpongeBob: Every night, I tuck me wallet in and tell it a bedtime story. (pulls covers over the wallet) Goodnight, wallety. (kisses the wallet)

Mr. Krabs: Yeah, ok I get the point.

SpongeBob: Oh, what's that you say? Me daughter Pearl needs an operation? I'll do it me self and save a nickel. (laughs)

Mr. Krabs: That'll do SpongeBob.

(At the reunion)

SpongeBob: Well, here goes...wow. I've never seen so many manly naval men. So tough, so brave, so...clever. And I'm one of them! (at the reunion they shows a tuff man lifting Nancy on a treasure chest) Mr. Krabs: (hiding in a coral plant) No you're not. Don't blow this for me, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: I won't let you down.

Mutton Chop: Armor Abs Krabs. Come join your navy buddies in a toast.

SpongeBob: (high-pitched voice) Coming! (runs over to the table)

Mr. Krabs: Oh, what have I done?

SpongeBob: Ok boys, let the SS Party drop anchor right here.

Mr. Krabs: I've created a monster.

Lockjaw Jones: Here's some grog. You still like pineapple, right?

SpongeBob: Like pineapple? I live in one. (everyone laughs)

Torpedo Belly: That Ol' Krabs is manly as ever.

Mr. Krabs: I don't believe it. SpongeBob is pulling it off.

Mutton Chop: Hey Armor Abs, Ol' Iron Eye here has been itching to punch your legendary gut.

SpongeBob: Well, if you think you're man enough.

Mr. Krabs: Uh-oh, this could be bad.

SpongeBob: Fire the torpedoes. (Iron Eye punches SpongeBob. He bounces around in the shell then comes up dizzy)

Mutton Chop: What do you say, Krabs? Just like old times. (SpongeBob spits out a tooth)

Lockjaw Jones: A tooth.

(SpongeBob spits out two more teeth)

Torpedo Belly: Teeth. Now that's manly.

(SpongeBob coughs out his skeleton and everyone gasps then cheers)

Mr. Krabs: He did it.

Captain: Alright me swabbys, it's time to award the trophy of manly toughness. To a man who's toughness has stewed the test of time. And that man is: Eugene Armor Abs Krabs! Come up here Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: This is the best night of my life. Me naval buddies still think I'm manly. And I didn't have to shed myself.

Naval Buddies: Armor Abs! Armor Abs! Armor Abs!

SpongeBob: Thanks for the trophy everybody. (laughs)

Naval Buddies: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!

SpongeBob: I...uhh...

Mr. Krabs: Say something.

SpongeBob: Let me spin you a manly yarn.

Mr. Krabs: 'Atta boy.

SpongeBob: so there I was, in Jellyfish Fields.

Mr. Krabs: I'm doomed.

SpongeBob: Me supply of bubble soap was dangerously low. And as I blew my last bubble...

Mutton Chop: Did he say Jellyfish Fields?

Iron Eye: Blowing bubbles?

Mutton Chop: Uhh, what were you doing in Jellyfish Fields?

SpongeBob: Why jellyfishing, of course.

Naval Buddies: Huh?

Mr. Krabs: Phone call for Mr. Krabs. (SpongeBob is confused) Get off the stage.

SpongeBob: Oh, well I gotta go. Uhh, thanks. (runs off the stage)

Torpedo Belly: Where do you think you're going? Everybody knows there's 2 things Ol' Armor Abs Krabs would never do.

Mr. Krabs: Oh no.

Torpedo Belly: Number one, is spend a penny. And the other one is leave without giving Ol' Torpedo Belly one of your world famous steely philly butts. Haha

SpongeBob: (normal voice) Oh, I thought you saw me through this rouse. I mean, (Mr. Krabs' voice) arr, you don't think I was just gonna collect this here trophy of manly toughness without reminding you silly livers why you give it to me in the first place. Let's have it. No holding back. Give it your all.

Mr. Krabs: I can't watch. (SpongeBob & Torpedo Belly butt each other in the belly and sends SpongeBob flying)

Torpedo Belly: Armor Abs? (SpongeBob flies into a sign and then back into Torpedo Belly breaking the shell. SpongeBob is revealed and everyone gets angry)

SpongeBob: Well, uhh, I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i, I guess I'll take my manly toughness trophy and head home now. See you around manville boys, uhh, men.

Mr. Krabs: No!! He's not Eugene Krabs. I am. (everyone gasps) Alright lads, take a good look. This is who I am. I've molted me shell and I'm vulnerable. (cries) But I'm certainly no bubble-blowing jellyfisher. No offense, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: None taken, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: C'mon lad, let's go home.

Mutton Chop: Wait a minute! You've forgotten something. (hands trophy to Mr. Krabs)

Mr. Krabs: I don't understand.

Mutton Chop: Admitting you lost your shell is the toughest thing I've ever seen. And, uhh, I have a confession. (rips off sideburns) These are fake! (SpongeBob & Mr. Krabs gasp)

Torpedo Belly: Over here.

Mr. Krabs: You, too, Torpedo Belly?

Torpedo Belly: Actually, I had my torpedo removed. Long ago.

Lockjaw Jones: And these aren't the same choppers that I had in the navy.

Iron Eye: My iron eye is actually made of Formica. (everyone laughs)

SpongeBob: Look at that, Mr. Krabs. You're navy buddies all had something to hide.

Mr. Krabs: Yeah, poor suckers. At least my shell will grow back. (both laugh)