The Island of Lost Dakotas

A crosswalk
(Cavendish and Dakota are standing at a crosswalk. Dakota is using a tablet computer.)

Cavendish: Oh, come on. We had Ye Olde Pizza last week!

Dakota: What? That was like seventy-two hours ago. It's not still in my stomach.

Cavendish: (points to a guy selling corn dogs on the other sidewalk) I want a corn dog!

Dakota: Do you know what a corn dog is?

Cavendish: Well, apparently, it's ground pig meat shoved in a sheep's intestine, dipped in corn batter and deep-fried. (Starts to cross the street)

Dakota: Well, I guess you do! Get me one while you're out — (A cable snaps, dropping a giant air-conditioning unit on Cavendish) Wait, wait, wait, wait, no!

(Cut to several people reacting in horror. Some onlookers scream. Cut back to Dakota.)

Dakota: Argh... Here we go again. (Crosses the street)

Corn dog seller: Did you just see that guy get crushed? (Dakota wordlessly asks for two corn-dogs)

Dakota: Yeah, yeah, I'm workin' on it.

(He buys them and walks away. Several people run past the death from screen right to screen left.)

Man: Look out, look out, look out!

(Dakota enters his time vehicle and goes back three minutes. The narrator reads "THREE MINUTES EARLIER", as Dakota parks his car around a corner from the earlier Cavendish and Dakota. He hides behind a tree and watches them.)

The same, except three minutes earlier
Cavendish: Oh, come on. We had Ye Olde Pizza last week!

Earlier Dakota: What? That was like seventy-two hours ago. It's not still in my stomach.

(Present Dakota rustles the plant behind which he is hiding. He shushes earlier Dakota.)

Earlier Dakota: Hey, Cavendish, could you go close the top?

Cavendish: Oh, certainly. (Goes to close the top on the time-vehicle)

Earlier Dakota: (to present Dakota) Really?

Present Dakota: Yup. (leaves his plant) A/C unit, right on the head. (Hands documents to earlier Dakota; the latter inspects them and stows them) Here, send me a postcard.

(They shake hands, and the present Dakota takes the place of the earlier Dakota.)

Dakota: Yeah, thanks. So anyway, what do you want to eat?

Cavendish: (points to a guy selling corn dogs on the other sidewalk) I want a corn dog!

Dakota: I'm way ahead of you. (pulls out the corn-dogs he bought in the former timeline) Ta-da!

Cavendish: Excellent! When did you get these?

Dakota: When you weren't looking.

(A cable snaps and drops the air-conditioning unit, exactly as in the former timeline, but Cavendish is safely on the other side of the street. Onlookers scream)

Cavendish: Gosh, how fortunate. You could have been hurt. (Crosses the street)

Dakota: Yeah, I coulda been hurt. That's the takeaway here.

(The Dakotas give each other thumbs-up. The earlier Dakota, who is now hiding behind a plant, looks over his documents again.)

Earlier Dakota: (looks at his postcard) Hmm, all right, I guess it's my turn.

The Murphy house
Zack: Are you guys ready to go? Hamosaur 2 waits for no man! I'm two-T-shirt excited! It'll be downtown today from two to two-fifteen as part of its official Hamosaur 2 tour. (Shows Melissa a pamphlet)

Melissa: Since the original Hamosaur disappeared earlier this year under "mysterious circumstances".

Milo: No big mystery. It chased me into the Colorado River.

(Cut to a snippet in "Family Vacation". Milo and the Brulees are floating in their RV down the river, and the original Hamosaur is following them. It is caught behind a rock and sinks.)

Brulee twin sisters: Oh no, Hamosaur!

(The snippet ends.)

Zack: Hold up. You saw the original Hamosaur?

Milo: It's a long story.

Zack: How long?

Milo: About eleven minutes.

Zack: Well, Hamosaur 2's gonna be even better.

Milo: As soon as we find my shoes, we're gone!

Zack: (takes a pair of sneakers in Milo's closet and blows dust off them) These should do it.

Milo: Uh, I, I can't really wear sneakers with laces.

Melissa: Wait, what? Why not? I, I feel like I should know the answer to this and don't. Give.

Milo: Okay, um... Have either of you guys ever seen a pair of lace-up sneakers over a telephone wire or on the side of the road?

Zack: Here, how about you explain on the way? Don't want to be late!

Milo: (unsure) Well, um, maybe. (takes out his phone) I'm gonna order a new pair of shoes now in case mine really are lost. Same day delivery guaranteed!

Melissa: Those are some fast shoes.

Zack: Not fast enough! Let's go!

A bus
(People are boarding, and earlier Dakota [henceforth called simply "Dakota"] is taking to a woman.)

Dakota: You see, I'm a time-traveller, and my partner Cavendish died on the job. So I went back in time and saved him. But now that means there's two "me"s, two Dakotas in this time period and only one Cavendish, and you can't do that.

Ms. Francis, earlier Dakota's interlocutor: You can't do that?

Dakota: No way. Big no-no, so (takes out his postcard and shows it to Ms. Francis) I'm sending myself away to an island. Yeah, not quite sure what I'm gonna find when I get there except for... a bunch of "me"s. This happens much more often than you'd think.

(Begin a montage of Cavendish's accidents. The first: at the Everest Ski Resort, Dakota and Cavendish are going skiing. They stop at a fork, one path labelled "BEGINNERS" and the other labelled "EXPERT".)

Cavendish: Me first! (Goes down the expert path) Wheee! Ha-ha-ha!

(Cavendish cries out as he tumbles down the slope and crashes into a tree. Play this backward to signify that Dakota travelled back in time and undid it. Cavendish and Dakota are now approaching the slope.)

Cavendish: Me first!

Dakota: (directing him to the beginners' path) No no, this way. Over here.

(The second: at a volcano base, Cavendish and Dakota are walking on a metal catwalk. Cavendish leans on a railing, which gives, and cries as he falls into the lava. His skeleton, with moustache, eyeglasses, and hat, surfaces again. Play this backward, because Dakota undid it, stopping at where they are walking. Cavendish breaks the railing and falls as before, but Dakota pulls a lever to cover the lava, so Cavendish falls on metal instead of lava.)

(The third: at a base on a distant planet, when Cavendish goes out into vacuum with no helmet, his head expands and bursts like a balloon. He cries and falls down. Play backward, because Dakota went back in time. Dakota puts a helmet on Cavendish' head before the latter goes out.)

(The fourth: In a plane, Cavendish takes off his parachute, but the opened door sucks him out of the airplane.)

(The fifth: A horse kicks Cavendish through a barn wall.)

(The sixth: Cavendish and Dakota fly with hang-gliders, but Cavendish' breaks and he falls.)

(The seventh: A dinosaur bends down to eat Cavendish. Cut just before it does.)

(The eighth: Cavendish groans as rock under him gives way and he falls off a cliff.)

(The ninth: Cavendish is being chased by a dog, and a train strikes him.)

(The tenth: Cavendish falls into an open manhole.)

(The eleventh: A mammoth steps right on him.)

(The twelfth: Cavendish sank and drowned in quicksand. Cut back to the bus.)

Ms. Francis: You must really care about him to make that kind of metaphysical sacrifice of your alternate timeline self.

Dakota: He's Cavendish. What are you gonna do?

A dock
(Dakota leaves the bus.)

Ms. Francis: Good luck on your island, Dakota!

Dakota: Thanks, Francis, and don't worry about your grandson; I'm sure it's just a phase.

Ms. Francis: Nah, he's a bad seed. (Leaves)

A pier
(Dakota is walking down the pier. A foghorn sounds. Burly men move cargo, and cranes lift giant crates. A small man in a pink polo shirt accosts him.)

Captain: Uh, may I help you?

Dakota: Um, yeah. I think I'm supposed to travel on this ship? (Looks up to see two intimidating men on the deck of the SS Plunge, moving cargo.)

Captain: Uh, please may I take a look at your ticket? (Dakota hands him a document; he looks them over) You've booked one-way passage to the unknown island shrouded in mystery. Your room for the trip's on deck Y next to the cargo hold. You may hear the sounds of caged, wild, exotic animals, but your room comes with a complimentary bottle of water and satellite TV.

Dakota: (taking the document back) Um, who are you?

Captain: I'm the captain.

Dakota: Of this boat?

Captain: Oh. I see. Is it my appearance? The shirt? Would you prefer I wore a rugged turtleneck? And that I wore a dirty old captain's hat?

Dakota: No I... I —

Captain: Maybe a permanent five-o'clock-shadow of a beard and a Russian accent?

Dakota: No, I didn't mean to —

Captain: A piece of wood for a leg?

Dakota: No-no, I —

Captain: Would that satisfy you?

Dakota: I just thought —

Captain: Only some salty old sea dog is qualified to be captain of a ship like this?

Dakota: No, I... I didn't —

Captain: Sir, I graduated top of my class at Naval Academy, and for eleven years I've led this crew to the darkest parts of the ocean.

Dakota: I didn't mean to —

Captain: But that's probably not enough for some people.

Dakota: I'm sorry. I never meant any —

Captain: We sail in an hour. Right up the ramp, sir.

Dakota: Gee, I —

Captain: Please watch your step.

Dakota: Uh, thanks. (sadly walks up the ramp)

(A parrot lands on the captain's shoulder and screeches.)

Captain: That's okay, Gary. We won't let that judgmental man ruin a perfectly good Wednesday.

A road in Danville
(Milo, Zack, and Melissa are riding their bikes.)

Melissa: How much further is it to Hamosaur?

Zack: I don't know. I can't think. I'm wearing two T-shirts!

Melissa: So, Milo, what was the deal with the sneakers and the telephone wires?

Milo: Laces and I just don't get along.

(Transition to a flashback. Milo, Sara, and Diogee are all much younger. Milo is trying to figure out how to tie shoelaces.)

Sara: You just have to try, Milo. (Diogee pulls on a lace on Milo's other shoe.)

Milo: (trying to tie the laces) The rabbit goes into his house.

(Cut away. Sara's surprised. Cut again to show that Milo's shoelaces are all over the house. He has managed to tie up Diogee with him.)

Milo: It doesn't make any sense!

(Transition back to the trio. Milo has entangled himself, Zack, and Melissa in his shoelaces. Melissa is vocalizing.)

Zack: This doesn't make any sense!

Milo: I know!

(They all scream as they coast down a hill.)

Off the coast of an ominous-looking volcanic island
(Dakota is in a rowboat, and the Captain is standing on a low catwalk above him.)

Captain: I hope your stay was satisfactory. Good day to you, sir.

Dakota: Gee, I... I... I'm sorry, I didn't —

(The parrot screeches again.)

Captain: Gary, we're better than that. Leave the judgmental man alone as he rows off to his doom.

Dakota: I never meant any —

Captain: Bottle of water?

Dakota: Thanks. (He takes it and rows his boat toward the island)

(The parrot screeches as Dakota rows.)

Captain: No, Gary, let the doomed man be. Gary, rise above it.

The island
(Dakota lands, climbs through crag, walks through jungle, jumps over lava, passes many wrecked fishing-boats, and finally arrives at a big wooden gate.)

Dakota: Uh, hello?

(A man in a mask appears above the wall, sees Dakota, and grunts.)

Dakota: Oh, sorry. I... I'm... I'm looking for... Well, I... I'm looking for myself, actually. Have you seen anyone who looks like me?

(Some other masked men tie him up as they chant "We-go".)

Dakota: This was not in the brochure!

(They enter, and the gate closes behind him.)

Within the walls
(Other masked men look down from tree-houses, also chanting. Dakota's captors finally tie him to a post.)

Dakota: Help!

Masked men: Zoo-oh!

(One puts a torch to the tinder beneath Dakota.)

Dakota: I'm not even cold, really. (Tries to blow out the fire.)

(All the masked men start into "We're Going to the Zoo".)

Masked men: ♪ We're going to the zoo! ♪

Dakota: I'm —

♪ We're going to the zoo! ♪

♪ And then we're gonna see some animals! ♪

(The masked men reveal themselves to be the Dakotas.)

Dakota: Oh, oh! I get it. Hi, hi, you guys!

(All the residents of the island say hi to him, but one of the residents says "Bienvenido!")

Chief Dakota: (enter carrying a bucket of water) Welcome to the island of lost Dakotas. (puts out the fire) Forgive the initiation, you know, we get bored. But we're not gonna cook you.

Cannibal Dakota: (disappointed) Aw, man! (Turns and leaves.)

The road
(Cut back to Milo, Melissa, and Zack. Milo is the only one pedalling, because they are still all tied up.)

Milo: (his phone rings) Ah, my new shoes have shipped!

Melissa: Well, that's a relief!

Milo: Hey, look!

Zack: (enraptured) Hamosaur 2!

("I'm All Tied Up Today" begins. Milo's shoelace snags on Hamosaur's tail.)

Milo: Uh-oh.

Singer: Don't think I can handle one more thing.

I've got no time to play.

(Milo, Melissa, and Zack are dragged behind Hamosaur at high speed. They scream, and Zack's and Melissa's bikes drop away.)

I'm like a package all wrapped in string

(Milo's shoelace picks up a mailbox.)

I'm all tied up today.

Got no room for more commitments.

My life's in disarray.

(Milo picks up more things.)

Trucker: Hey, you kids, get away from my trailer before you damage something back there!

Singer: I could really use a little assistance.

(The Hamosaur truck with everything that has snagged on it scares away bystanders.)

All tied up today.

(The trailer unhooks from the truck, breaks a fire-hydrant, and goes down a divergent road.)

I'm all tied up with you,

A re-dedication ceremony on another street
(The mayor is standing on a small stage, and several attendees below.)

Mayor: Hi, folks. Welcome to the 5th Street re-dedication ceremony. We all remember the events of the runaway antique fire truck and the damage it caused here. But as your mayor, I'm proud to say we're back! Businesses are open. And...

(The people see the Hamosaur coming towards him.)

Mayor: Is there something behind me? One of the Murphys? (hears a crash and a car alarm) Murphys... Yeah, yeah. Out-of-control water truck? Giant boulder? No, no... (turns around) Oh, yeah! Giant dinosaur-like creature of some kind! (people begin to scream and run as the Hamosuar crashes through the ceremony) Yeah, oh, th-that's nice, yeah, there it goes, yeah. Yeah. Go get that mailbox. Yeah. I love being mayor here. I love it. (angrily) I love it! (throws his microphone)

Hamosaur 2
Melissa: You know, this seems like a lot of shoelace for just two sneakers.

Zack: There are no applicable physics for this! (realizes that they are heading to the cars at crossroads) Look!

Milo: Uh...

Singer: I'm all tied up with you,

Milo: Aha!

(Milo throws one of his sneakers over a wire, and the shoelace wraps around it. The trio hold it. Hamosaur slows down and bends down over the traffic jam, scaring one child, to whom cut briefly.)

Singer: All tied up with you.

I'm juggling a lot of balls here.

Wish I could throw a few away.

(Milo's other sneaker wraps around the wire, and he, Melissa, Zack, and the Hamosaur start to move backward.)

Can't answer any more calls, dear.

All tied up today.

(Cut to the Mayor, now with many police.)

Mayor: (sees the Hamosaur coming toward him, takes a bullhorn) Oh, would you look here, folks! Here it comes again! Oh, Murphy's got it moon-walking somehow! Real nice, Murphy! You missed a lamp post. (Jim, a policeman, is trying to take the loudspeaker back, but the mayor fights) No! I love being mayor here. No!

(The Hamosaur approaches the firetruck museum. The trio jump off it, as the Hamosaur destroys the T. rex before the museum and replaces it)

Singer: I'm all tied up with you.

I'm all tied up with you.

("I'm All Tied up Today" ends.)

Milo: Did you guys know those plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets?

The island
(Dakota is talking to the other versions of himself.)

Chief Dakota: Yeah, we had you going.

Dakota: Yeah, I was really worried. Yeah. Seemed like were, you know, gonna... gonna eat me.

Chief Dakota: Us? No. We would never. I mean, Cannibal Dakota, he woulda eaten you. But we keep him on a tight leash.

Dakota: I cannot believe this. How did you do this? All of this?

Chief Dakota: Well, we keep busy. We manufacture and export. We got a factory that makes sodas and girdles. We got a factory that makes shoes. (Pan quickly to "Ye Olde Cobbler", where Cobbler Dakota is hammering on a shoe like Milo typically wears) We couldn't get the aglets right, so we just make slip-ons. (Cut back to Dakota and Dakota 2) The latest order just went out when you came in. (Checking his wristwatch) Should be delivered right about now.

The Murphy house
(Milo is with Melissa and Zack. Milo is holding a box. He pulls out a pair of his usual shoes.)

Milo: Hmm! Right on time!

The island
Dakota: You know, this place is amazing!

Chief Dakota: It is. The only problem, besides Cannibal Dakota, Really Smelly Dakota and Birthday-suit Dakota —

Birthday-suit Dakota: (off-screen) It's my birthday!

Chief Dakota: Put on some pants! (to Dakota) The only problem is that Cavendish can never know about this place, or us.

Dakota: (downcast) Yeah, I know.

Chief Dakota: Come on. It's movie night.

A cinema on the island
(Cavendish and present Dakota are on a great screen in black-and-white. On the screen, Cavendish is chiding Dakota.)

Chief Dakota: We've tapped into closed-circuit security cameras all over time and space, so we can keep an eye on us and Cavendish.

Cavendish: (on the screen) You're so selfish.

Chief Dakota: We record it and watch it later for fun.

Dakota: (on the screen) Selfish! I'm selfish!

Cavendish: Hm.

Dakota: But I... Ugh. But I saved... yyyyyyyou... the last corn dog! (gives it to Cavendish) Here it is.

Cavendish: (on the screen) Well. Thank you.

Dakota: (on the screen) There you go.

The other Dakotas: Awww!

Dakota: I'm just thinking, what did Cavendish do to deserve all this effort?

Chief Dakota: He's Cavendish. What are you gonna do?

Dakota: What are you gonna do?

The other Dakotas: What are you gonna do?

(Cut to a distant view of the island.)

Cannibal Dakota: I'm still hungry.

Chief Dakota: Back in your cage, Cannibal Dakota.

(The end.)