Driving Miss Crazy

What are you doing, Bertram?

Besides reminding me that I need to clean out my old trunk full of junk.

I was thinking, how can I make all of our meals truly great?

Hire someone else to cook for us?

I tried. The giant lizard was a deal breaker.

No, I meant by using fresh herbs.

So, I'm building us a garden. Hmm.

Guys, check it out.

I just finished my Driver's Ed class and got my learner's permit!

Soon I can drive you guys all over the city.

Huh. I always thought Luke would be the one to kill me.

Well, I have lived a full life.

No, you haven't.

Congratulations, Emma, but why do you need to drive?

If you need to go somewhere, you have a limo, a helicopter, and piggyback rides from Bertram.

Nuh-uh, I'm out.

It was all fun and games until she bought me a saddle.

Guys, this is a big deal for me.

I'm growing up.

I'm not just some helpless princess anymore.

(Gasps) Sneezies.

(Sneezes)

I hate my job.

(Blows nose)

I suggest you leave before she has to go "tinkies."

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪ ♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪ ♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪ ♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

I'm ready for my driving lesson.

Let's hit the road.

Before you hit the road, and possibly some innocent bystanders, your first driving lesson is gonna be in these chairs.

Oh, that's a relief.

For a second there I thought you guys were staging a glitter-vention.

That's next week.

And how dare you bedazzle Bertha the Blender?

You just made her look cheap.

Jessie, we don't need to do this.

In class, I drove a real car in the school's parking lot.

I'm really good. I hit all the cones.

I'm missing my cartoons for this?

Spoiler alert, the coyote gets hit with an anvil.

All right, fine, let's get this over with.

(Clears throat)

Oh, for the love of... (Sighs)

Ah. (Chuckles)

Okay, now, show me the first thing you do before you start the car.

First, I fasten my seat belt.

Very good. Adjust the mirrors...

(Imitates clicking and squeaking)

Adjust my seat.

Mmm-hmm.

(Imitate machine whirring)

Please stop that.

All right, now, driving is all about paying attention and tuning out distractions.

When have you ever known me to be easily distracted?

(Gasps) Ooh, are those new earrings?

They're so shiny. Oh, you... Hey!

Now, put the car in gear, and pull out slowly.

(Imitating engine noise)

Watch it.

(Honking)

Hey. I'm bikin' here!

Emma, you didn't check for oncoming vehicles.

That's because we're in the living room.

All I have to do is look out for oncoming ottomans.

Okay, let's move on to something else.

How about making a lane change with noisy kids in the backseat?

Move over. You move over.

She's touching me. No, I am not!

Are so. Make her stop.

Move. Quiet.

Eyes on the road.

And just wait until they start throwing stuff.

She's still touching me.

Nuh-uh, nuh-uh, nuh-uh, nuh-uh, nuh-uh!

Seriously, you're too close.

(Both grunting)

That's it!

I'm going home!

Hey! You just jumped out of a moving vehicle.

And now, no one's steering.

(Toy squeaks)

Who threw that?

She did. He did.

Okay, Ravi, shake the Wishing Ball to see if your Power Pony finally makes it out of the Stable of Sorrow.

Can we not just call a vet and put this poor boy out of his misery?

Peppermint Pony is a girl.

I was talking about me.

Zuri, I know it's your turn to choose what we play, but this game is about as much fun as spell-checking the dictionary.

Which is exactly the game Ravi chose for us last week.

The batteries appear to be dead. (Luke scoffs)

They obviously died of boredom.

I'll be right back.

Don't move a mule.

(Laughing) Pony joke.

Hey, Ravi, catch.

Ravi, you caught it.

With your hands and not your face.

Which is much better, and less painful.

(Grunts)

(Gasps)

Wow.

You throw worse than 50 Cent.

This is your fault. What...

You should know the only thing I can throw is a wicked cool Reptile Club party.

Three people is not a party, Ravi. It's just sad.

Even sadder? Two of them were lost.

(Laughing)

(Gasps)

My Wishing Ball. What the hay happened in here?

Nothing. What Wishing Ball?

Okay, look.

I'm trying to turn over a new leaf.

So, I won't get mad if whoever broke it just admits it and apologizes.

It's a trap. Like, duh.

Jessie: Emma, slow down.

(Stomping)

Jessie, relax.

And quit stomping your foot.

There's no brake on your side.

No, but now there's a big hole in the floorboard.

So, if worse comes to worst, I can Flintstones this thing.

Emma, focus.

I am. Otherwise I could poke my eye out.

No... (Soft grunt)

You're drifting off the road. Oh.

(Tires screeching) I got it, I got it.

Ah, hot dog cart!

Bertram!

(Screaming)

Emma, why did you hit the gas instead of the brake?

Because I wanted to stop really fast.

That does not make sense on any level!

Bertram, are you okay?

(Tearfully) Yes. But my buns are bruised.

Hey, Ravi.

So, I talked to Zuri and I told her what happened.

Since you have all your limbs, I must assume you are bleeding internally. (LUKE SCOFFS)

No, relax, I smoothed things over.

Luke told me that you broke my Wishing Ball.

What? No.

Luke started it.

See? I told you he'd try to blame me.

He may seem innocent, but that pocket protector is just covering the black hole where his heart should be.

Well, Ravi, since you broke something of mine, I have no choice but to break something of yours...

No!

Not my lizard sunglasses!

Mrs. Kipling bought those for me so I could be the coolest kid at Lizard Con.

Yes, I realize that is an oxymoron.

No.

Here's what payback sounds like.

(Screaming)

(Whimpering)

Luke, how exactly was that "smoothing things over"?

I smoothed things over for me.

What?

Oh, was that not clear?

I don't even know why we're here.

I'm never getting behind the wheel again after hitting that hot dog cart.

So much blood.

That was ketchup.

Look, Emma, I know how you feel.

I took my first driver's test in a tank.

I missed a stop sign and completely demolished an old building.

I'll always remember the Alamo.

Jessie, I'm sad enough right now without hearing about your pathetic life.

Can we please go?

No, Emma.

Look, you don't have to take the driver's test today, just at least take the written part.

I mean, you studied so hard for this.

You even made your thinky-face.

I don't ever want to come back here.

It smells like old retainers, and the people here are supes creepy.

Emma, the people aren't that creepy.

Really?

Oh, hello.

I really like your shoe.

It sets off your forehead.

(Nervous chuckle)

Man: Next. (Mumbling)

Hello, I'm Jessie and this is Emma.

She's just gonna take the written test today...

I stopped listening after you said, "Hello."

Here, fill out this paperwork.

Wow, we have to fill out all this?

We'll be here forever.

Welcome to the DMV.

Where one hour feels like a week.

Head over there to take the exam.

Your mother can go with you, but she's not allowed to help.

Mother? I am her nanny.

Her just-slightly-older nanny, for your information.

Calm down, lady.

It's not like they stopped rerunning Matlock or anything.

(Gasps) I don't watch Matlock!

It's on too late for me.

I know. Yeah.

Hey, Ravi, have you seen my new Car Wash Cutie poster?

This month, Carly washes a convertible.

Oh, um, do you mean...

This?

Hey, give her back!

(Growling)

Give it back!

Or you can have her.

(Sighs) It's gonna be a long month.

And FYI, this is what payback sounds like.

(Soft grunt) Wait, no, no!

No, stop...

(Grunting)

Apparently payback sounds like a constipated lemur.

Oh, forget it! Here you go, Mrs. Kipling.

Wait! No! No! (Mrs. Kipling growls)

(Sputtering)

(Weeping) No!

All that's left is her... face!

That is what you get for throwing me under Zuri's bus of vengeance!

Okay, so we're both at fault.

But what Zuri doesn't know can't hurt me.

Oh, yeah?

Uh...

How much of that did you hear?

Enough that when I get through with you, you're going to be in more pieces than that poster.

(All arguing)

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Are you guys fighting? Yes!

Do you have any weapons?

No. Carry on.

(Arguing continues)

"What does a double yellow line mean?"

(Softly) You can't pass!

(Scoffs) That's not very nice.

I'm doing my best.

That's what scares me.

"What does a red octo-gonal sign mean?"

Stop!

Stop? I just started.

Madam! (Clears throat) Mmm-hmm?

Do I need to call one of your adult-aged children to come and get you?

I'm 22!

But my pockets are filled with hard candy.

Butterscotch?

Hey, Luke, look what I have.

(Scoffs) I hope it's the part of this poster I really care about.

You lied to me, so now I'm gonna take your Chris Paul autographed basketball and bounce pass it to Bayonne!

No, no, no!

You have this coming!

And you, Zuri, have this coming.

All I have to do is give it a little push, and your car will be as shattered as my dreams of being popular.

You wreck my race car, and my vengeance will be fast and furious!

Oh! (Chuckles)

Speaking of vengeance, Ravi, since you destroyed my poster, I'm going to destroy your...

Looky-closey-thingy!

It is called a microscope, you ignoramus!

Have you learned nothing from my dictionary game nights?

Listen, it's okay if you failed the test.

Luke fails tests all the time, it doesn't seem to hurt him.

I just hope he never tries to visit West Dakota.

She passed.

What? There is no way in he...

Hey, congratulations! (Chuckles nervously)

It doesn't matter. I'm too scared to drive again.

Emma, I'm not gonna let you give up on yourself.

Look, we'll practice every day, okay? I promise.

So, can we make an appointment for sometime next month?

It's what I live for. Mmm-hmm.

I just need a valid driver's license to secure the reservation.

Okay, but I'm warning you, my license photo is a little scary.

Oh, don't be silly. I've seen a thousand...

(Screaming)

Why were you growling?

I was having a bad day. Much like today.

Ma'am, this license isn't just frightening, it's expired.

What? (Scoffs) Fine, I'll pay the stupid fee.

Emma, can I borrow some money?

Plus, this license was issued in Texas.

I can't renew it. You'll have to take the driving portion of the test. What?

Ugh, old people.

(Yelling) You have to take the driving portion of the test!

Fine, but can we hurry it up?

I don't want to be late for the early bird special.

Hard candy?

Okay, it's been two hours.

This ball is starting to get heavy.

And you think they'd make these things lighter, considering nerds have to carry them.

Before our next standoff, remind me to use the rest room.

Okay, look.

What do you say we all stand down on the count of three?

Zuri is right.

Look at what we have become.

We should put aside our differences and end this, once and for all.

Okay...

One.

Two.

Math makes me nervous.

Three.

Huzzah!

Now we have no more grudges.

(Growling)

Except for Mrs. Kipling!

She's still peeved.

(Growling)

(Shrieks) My car!

(All gasp)

The gas pedal must be stuck. Look out!

Whoa! (Screaming)

I got it! I got it!

(Panicked yelling)

(Zuri screaming)

Ravi: Oh, no, no, no!

(Crashing)

(Gasps)

Whoa! It bounced off the awning right into the street.

And into that parade.

Was that the mayor?

(Gasps)

Sorry, Your Honor!

Zuri: Run. Whoa.

There. Perfect lane change, if I do say so myself.

And I do.

You can't tell, but this is my impressed face.

Wow, your girlfriend is a really lucky woman.

I don't have a girlfriend. And stop hitting on me.

Just pass this test, because you're going to be driving me around until you really are old.

Emma, you've got to get over your fear.

Look, with focus and preparation, driving really isn't that scary.

(Screams) Tiny car, twelve o'clock!

(All scream)

Hey, wait, was that Zuri's car?

And why is it chasing the mayor?

Watch out! Ducks! (Ducks squawking)

(Screams) Kids!

(Tires screeching) Mime!

Actually, you can hit the mime.

It's not like he's gonna scream.

Jaywalker!

(Screams)

(Gasps)

Water!

(All screaming)

(Gasps)

Is everybody okay?

Man, old people are terrible drivers.

You just talked yourself out of a butterscotch, sonny.

I guess I failed the test.

On the contrary. You passed.

I did? She did?

She had a fender bender with a flounder.

True, but Jessie's brilliant defensive driving saved the lives of several children, multiple ducks, and one overdressed hot dog enthusiast.

I also avoided that mime.

I know. I docked you a point for that.

Listen, there's no reason for all of us to get punished.

Only one of us has to take the fall.

Luke's right.

Ravi, you're a first time offender.

Judge Jessie will go easy on you.

Plus, what does it matter if you get grounded?

It's not like this was the year you were gonna get invited to stuff.

(Both chuckle)

I will have you know I have been invited to the school assembly.

Everybody gets invited to those.

(Laughs)

Well, then I am particularly offended that I was not on the guest list last semester.

Why do you not take the blame, Luke?

After all, what is one more black mark on an already besmirched record?

Me?

Oh, what about Zuri?

She can just give Jessie the old "puppy dog eyes" and she'll be back on the streets in no time.

Zuri taking the blame is the best of all options.

Especially for Luke and I. (Laughs)

(Imitate explosion)

Fine. I'll take the heat.

You know, all I really wanted was for you two to apologize for breaking my Ball.

Oh, like you would have let us off the hook that easy.

Yes, you are not exactly known for your forgiving personality.

Actually, I might have surprised you.

But you'll never know, because you guys didn't give me the chance.

(Groans) I feel terrible.

Me too.

Everybody gets invited to school assemblies?

I can't believe we both passed our driving tests on the same day.

I know. I'm sorry you had to take it in a waterlogged limo.

I still have a polliwog in my pants.

Despite that, you really inspired me, Jessie.

Aw. Well, it's what any great leader would do.

What was it? My encouraging words?

My never-say-die attitude?

No, you drove into a lake and still passed.

I knew there was no way I could do worse than that.

Well, great leaders inspire in different ways.

Next.

Hmm. Oh, Miss Prescott.

Are you here to get your submarine license?

No. I already failed that test because I ran aground.

Ironic, isn't it? (Chuckles)

We're here to get our photos taken. Mmm-hmm.

Swell. Step in front of the screen and try not to spill anything.

I'm also the janitor.

Okay.

Let me just fix my hair first.

Can't go another six years with Wolfman's ID.

(Shutter clicks)

Wait! Hey, wait! I wasn't ready.

The DMV motto is "always be ready."

We're like the Marines, but boring.

Oh, come on.

Let me take another one.

Sorry, we're too busy.

Plus, this makes me laugh. (Laughs)

Next.

(Gasps) Ooh, that's me!

Yes.

Whoa. Hey, where did the glam squad come from?

A magazine shoot in the Maldives.

I have them on speed dial.

(Shutter clicks)

Beautiful. (Shutter clicks)

Oh! Yeah! (Shutter clicks)

Work it, girl! (Chuckles)

Now pout.

Ooh! More of that. (Shutter clicking)

I could stay here all day.

(Shutter clicks)

Oh, but you didn't have time to take one more of me?

You drove me into a lake.

That's... Fair.

Well, my license picture came out great.

Look, I'm glowing.

Emma, I'm sure it's very pretty, but I...

Wow.

It's a good thing police officers wear sunglasses.

Yeah.

Meanwhile, I look like I got attacked by bees.

Hey, everyone! Pizza!

Awesome! I love pizza!

Bertram didn't cook it, did he?

Great, now that I have your attention, who broke the desk?

Oh, dang it.

I cannot believe we fell for the old nonexistent pizza ploy.

Yeah, it worked better than my, "Hey, kids, Brussels sprouts."

You didn't come out of your rooms for a week.

BTW... Why was Zuri's car driving down Central Park West?

Because the traffic is terrible on Broadway?

(Sighs)

Jessie, it was an accid...

I did it.

No, we did it.

The desk, the car, all of it.

Zuri is blameless.

We're really sorry, for everything.

They're just trying to protect me.

But the truth is, it was my fault too.

Wow, so everyone's confessing And I didn't even have to get the hose? (Gasps)

You guys are growing up.

Does that mean you are not going to ground us?

Aw. (Chuckles) No, you're grounded.

But I'll tell your parents Bertram broke the desk.

I already told them he sank the limo.

(Chuckles)

That's a long story.

Now remember, Bertram, before you cross the street, look both ways.

I know, Jessie. I'm not a child.

Oh, my shoe is untied!

Could you put the bunny through the hole for me?

Fine.

But tomorrow morning, you're wearing Velcro.

(Bicycle bell rings)

Out of the way, tourist!

(Screams)

You have to watch for bikes, too.

Maybe you should just stay inside.

Agreed. (Panting)

But for crying out loud, would someone please just get me a hot dog?

(Sobbing)