Customer Service

That's it! I figured it out. I finally know what I want to do with my life. Be a professional basketball player. You're 3 1/2 feet tall. You know, you're a real dream killer. I hope you don't ever have children. I thought you were a hairdresser. It's time for a new challenge. And I can't find my scissors. I'll be a farmer, work the land, feed the people. They get up at 4:00 in the morning. Hmm. I know what I'll be-- a mountain climber! Did you say climber? Climb large mountains Scaleimpossible peaks! You can't even climb the stairs! It's the altitude! I've reached the summit! What a view! Thank you for calling Trans Visitron Cable. How may I offer you excellent service today? Good morning, Julie. Do you know why I'm smiling? Because it's Monday. And that's the day I randomly select one of our customers and turn off their cable. Let's see who is today's unlucky customer! And we're all set to go. It's game one of the finals. We have two evenly matched teams. Here we go. And here's the tip-- What?! No, no, no, no, no, no! This can't be happening! Let the fun begin! Thank you for calling Trans Visitron Cable. Please hold while we access your account. Thank you for holding. The name associated with this account is Buges Buney. Is this correct? Yes. Thanks, Mr. Buney. Please tell us in a few words why you are calling so we may better assist you. You can say simple phrases like, "Pay my bill", - or, "My cable's out". - My cable's out. I understand you want to terminate your cable service. - Is this correct? - What?! No! This is not correct! Oh, this is a good one. My cable is out! I'm sorry. I'm having trouble understanding you. Please try again later. Good-bye. What? No, no, no! Let's see how long it takes him to call back. They hung up on me! I'm not surprised. You were yelling at them. So much hostility. Seriously, do not have children. Huh, faster than I thought. That Mr. Buney's a real feisty one. Thank you for calling Trans Visitron. My name is Cecil. How can I offer you excellent service? Oh, hi, yes, my cable went out and it's game one of the finals and I'm missing it. Oh, dear. Well I'd be happy to send a technician to your hometomorrow. Tomorrow?! The game's on now! Can't you press a button and turn my cable back on? Oh, Mr. Buney. Do you really think I can just turn your cable on and off with the click of a mouse? Fine! I'll take the appointment tomorrow. At least I'll see game two. Okey doke. A technician will be there some time between But that's all day! And just a friendly reminder, someone does need to be home during those hours. Anything else I can help you with? No, you've done enough. Did I provide you with excellent service? Yes. Beyond excellent. - Thank you. - Who was that? A customer service representative. You know, someone whose job it is to make people miserable. You can get paid to make people miserable? All these years, I've been doing it for free. Here, you go be an underwater welder. I think I just found what I was born to do. Get ready, people. I'm about to make you a whole lot more miserabler. For money! Tina. What? I'm busy! On a rÃ©sumÃ©, should everything be in bold, everything be underlined, or everything be in italics? - Hi! - Oh, hey, Lola. What do you need with a rÃ©sumÃ©? I need to make a photo copy of my hand. - What? - Or do I just go for it There's this palm reader that's really good, but she's in Tierra del Fuego, so I need to send her - a photo copy of my palm. - Excuse me, miss? Yeah, give me a minute. You can use that copier over there. Thanks! I'm sorry, I'm kind of in a hurry. Old west or Triberica? Ooh, or Triberica grand? Hello! I need a hundred copies of this. I said give me a minute! Hmm, Tina and Bugs, so much hostility. It says "Load paper"? Then load paper! Oh, thanks. How about my hundred copies? How about I take your head and shove it in that machine and make a hundred copies of your stupid face? You got time for that? Tina, what was that about? That guy was being a jerk. He was a customer. So put a smile on your face. Easy for you to say! You don't have to deal with these people. Tina, I'm afraid until you can become a little more positive and upbeat, I have no choice but to suspend you. But that's not my personality. How am supposed to be positive and upbeat? I don't know. Find someone to teach you. Positive and upbeat. What kind of nitwit's always positive and upbeat? Toner exploded! Hmm. Looks like I have freckles. I've always wanted freckles. Look, freckles! All right, it's 8:00. Someone will be here between now and 6:00. Hopefully closer to now. Thanks again for letting me pick your brain. Are you kidding? No one's ever wanted to pick my brain before. Well, except for that one time when I volunteered for those medical experiments. Whahey! That's our space! Oh, that's ok, we'll find another one. Have a great day! Oh, I love your hat. You've got to be kidding me. He took your space. - That didn't bother you? - Ehh. There's plenty spots to go around. Besides, this one's much further away. What's good about that? Well, it gives me more time to practice my new walk. What do you think? More arms or less arms? More arms, for sure. Thank you! Oh, I get it. You wanted to take me to the mall so that I'd see what it's like to be on the other side of the counter, so that the next time I'm dealing with a customer, I'll be nice and friendly and remember that in the end, we're all just people, right? No, I just wanted to get some new lip gloss. But that would have been a good idea. You're smart! I'm not that smart. I'm about to lose my job. - How do you do it? - What? - Not get annoyed with people. - Oh, I don't know. I guess it's just in my genes. Oh, no, wait, I'm not wearing jeans. I should get some jeans! Whoa! Hey, what are you doing? You don't just spray perfume on someone without askin'. - No one likes that. - Ooh, Tina! This lady just sprayed perfume on me and I didn't even have to ask. Hi, can you maybe just spray a little here? Yeah, and here. And then just this whole-- this whole area right here. Maybe my face? Ow. Oh, I should have shut my eyes. It's my fault, my fault. Why did I have to drink so much?! Ow, ooh, ha, whoo! No, wait! I'm here! I'm here! I'm here! I was here! It never gets old. "Sorry we missed you. " Oh-ho. You're gonna be sorry. Your family is gorgeous, Ted. Your son looks like quarterback material. - That's my daughter. - She's lovely. And you know a lot of girls play football these days. This is quite a rÃ©sumÃ©. A little hard to read. That's the Triberica grand. Hairdresser, marine corp. You were the CEO of Enormicorp? This is all incredibly impressive. That's why it's all in bold. But I'm afraid you're overqualified. What?! No! I swear, I'm not. It only looks that way Please, I was born to work in customer service! Well, I suppose I can make you the customer service supervisor. Will I still get to make people's lives miserable? Heh! Only when you're forced to fire someone. Welcome aboard. I get to fire people? to the bathroom for 5 seconds? Thank you for calling Trans Visitron. We're always working for you. My name is Daffy. How can I offer you excellent service today? - Daffy?! - Am I speaking to - Buges Buney? - It's me! Ok, Mr. Buney, what seems to be the problem today? You know what the problem is, you live with me. Our cable's out. Is this Bugs Bunny? Yes! Then why did you say your name was Buges Buney? I didn't. You did. Can you just put our cable back on? Oh, I don't know how to do that. I thought you worked there! I do, but so far I've just been firing people. Daffy, can you please find someone who can put our cable back on? I'm about to miss another game! All right, here's what I'm going to do for you. I'm going to transfer you to one of my customer service representatives. No, wait! Don't put me back on with-- Hello, this is Cecil. Please, I'm begging you, the game is about to start. Isn't there anything you can do to turn my cable back on? Hmm. I could try resetting your account. Yes! Reset it! Okey doke. How's your day going so far? - Horrible! - I'm sorry to hear that. Just reset it! All right, here we go! You did it! My cable's back on! Is there anything else I can help you with today? _ But wait, I only have one channel! Yep. That's the bronze package. How is one channel a package? If you want, I can upgrade you to the silver package. What package do I need to watch the basketball game? Well, that would be the gold package. Then give me the gold package! Okey doke, please hold. Ooh, that's hot. Ohh. That is good coffee. _ _ _ _ I can't believe you watch this stuff. It's garbage! Watch the basketball game or something. Isn't it the playoffs? _ Maybe I'll just watch a little bit. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Well, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, I was not able to upgrade you to the gold package. What's the good news? Oh, did I say there was good news? Will someone tip me over, please? Julie? Julie, I know you can hear me. Julie. Julie. Julie! Julie? Of course you realize This means war! Closed? Why would Pizza Riba be closed in the middle of the day? Oh, Dr. Jimenez! _ _ _ Dr. Jimenez has a twin brother? What would Lindsay say? She's about to sell the hacienda! She already has too much on her plate. - You want to go to Tutty's? - Ehh. I'm sorry, Julie. You know how these things go. I'm going to need you to clear out your desk. And anything you might have left in the office refrigerator. Good luck. Cecil, where are you going? I'm on break. Ok, but you better be back by 2:30, or you're fired. What?! Thanks. Wait, I thought you got the cheeseburger. Eh, cottage cheese will be fine. Try something new. Who knows, maybe I'll like it. Mm-hmm. Hmm, not as cheesy as you'd think. Very cottage-y, though. Ok. Let me give you a scenario. Aw, that's so sweet, thank you. I feel bad, though. I don't have anything to give you. Here, take my cottage cheese, I insist. Oh, one more quick, huge bite. No, a scenario. I'm going to describe a situation at work. You tell me how you would handle it. Ooh, fun! Ok. Imagine some customer comes up to you at the counter. - Who is it? - Who's what? - The customer. - I don't know. It doesn't matter. Just pick someone. Ok, I've got him. All right. So this customer is in a hurry, but you're already busy doing a bunch of other stuff. I'm sorry, where do I work again? Copy place! Right, got it. So you tell him to wait a minute, but he keeps ringing the bell, saying, "Miss, miss"! Miss, miss! Well, hello there, customer. Can I help you? That depends. What are you doing for the rest of your life? Well, kinda thought I was going to work here until I figured out what I really wanted to do. Or maybe I'll go back to college. Forget all that. Marry me. Customer! - Say yes. - Yes, yes! I'll be Mrs. customer! Lola! Huh? What would you do with that customer? I'd drop everything and do whatever he said. He's my customer. And my customer is my world. Wow. IThink I've got the wrong personality for customer service. You know, maybe just one more teeny huge bite. Welcome to the coffee hut. My name is Becky. How can I offer you excellent service today? I'll have a cappuccino. - Okey doke. - I'm kind of in a hurry. Oh, looks like the machine's not working. If you'd like, I can upgrade you to a regular coffee. I don't know how that's an upgrade, - butok. - Okey doke. Oh, are you watching the playoffs? No. I really am in a hurry. Okey doke. Oh, you know what? We're out of coffee. Ugh, forget it. If you like, you can come back tomorrow, some time between Whoo! 2:28. Going up? What package would you like? Package? I just want to go to the 22nd floor. Well, there's a number of ways to get to the 22nd floor. Ah, you can get the silver package, which takes you to the 20th floor, but you'll have to walk the last two floors. Or I can give you the gold package, which takes you straight to 22. But that's not available till September of next year, see. Or now in the bronze package, for every floor we go up, we go down, too. So that one takes a while, mm-hmm. Forget it, I'll take the stairs. Okey doke. Heh. Did I provide you with excellent service today? I'm sorry, sir, we can't photo copy money. Of course you can! You just put the dollar in the machine and make a million copies! Oh, thank goodness you're here. I need you to take care of this customer. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I don't think I can do that and be positive and upbeat. Forget positive and upbeat. Right now I need rude and mean-spirited. You were right. I had no idea how hard it was dealing with these people! What are you lookin' at, girly? I'll tell you what I'm lookin' at. A sad little man who buys his jeans in the children's department and who's about to get beat up with his own boots. You hear me? And if you ever steal my friend's parking space again, I'll put you in a shoe box and bury you in my backyard. Welcome back. Whoo! I made it. Where is everyone? Where am I? - The future. - What?! Where are all the customer service representatives? In the future, there are none. But why? Because one customer was so mistreated that he rose up and the people followed! Mr. Buney! It's pronounced Bunny! But you can stop him. How? By turning his cable back on. - Ooh! - Do it now, so he doesn't rise up! WaitDon't you need to take me back in time in order for this to work? Yes! Normally. But, uh, for a bunch of time travel reasons that you wouldn't understand, eh, we're going to do it this way. - But - Just hurry! The time hole is closing! Oh, no, the time hole! There, it's on. Is that all the movie channels? Fine. I know he had the full sports package. While you're at it, why don't you throw in the Spanish language channels? I think he's got a friend who watches them sometimes. I did it. Now bring me back to the present. Oh, good, Cecil, it's you. - You're fired. - What?! Go ahead and clear out your desk. Well, that's everyone. Oh, hey, Bugs. - I think you mean - Buges. Buges Buney? Oh, hey. Thanks for providing me with excellent service today. - Unbelievable! - What? Ted fired me because I fired everybody else. Apparently you have to have a reason to fire people. See, that's why I don't like working for big corporations. Well, at least the cable's on in time for game seven. Hey, Speedy, would you mind changing-- You're just in time! Lindsay's about - to have her baby. - Who's Lindsay? Lindsay is the American foreign exchange student living in the hacienda with Dr. Jimenez, but she doesn't know that the hacienda was built on an ancient Aztecan burial ground. _ _ _ _ So Dr. Jimenez is the bad guy? No, Felix is the bad guy. Dr. Jimenez is wonderful. He's the father! Eh, I'll watch the finals next year.