A Christmas Peril

Part One
(The scene is a street covered in snow in wintertime. Sara, Milo, Melissa, and Zack are driving down the street.)

Milo: (inspecting a stack of CDs) Huh! I'm so glad Mom and Dad let us swap cars. It's going to make picking up their Christmas gifts a lot easier. (pauses) Huh. There's nothing but dad-rock and mom-bop in here.

Melissa:Is that what you're getting your parents at the mall? New music?

Milo: Nope! My surprise Christmas gifts cannot be bought at the mall.

Zack: Neither can music, actually.

Milo: We're not going to the mall; we're going to the airport.

Zack: The airport? What, do your folks really like those beanbag neck-rests?

Milo: No, but they do love the other Murphys. (shows them a picture of Milo, Sara, their parents, and some extended family standing on a pier which has just broken) And cousin Nate is our first pickup.

Sara: Hang on! Are you telling me there are Murphys coming for Christmas?

Milo: Yup. Just in time for Christmas Eve dinner. That's my surprise!

Melissa: That's a great gift, Milo.

Zack:Being together with family. That's what Christmas is all about.

(Cut to Brigette and Martin, driving elsewhere. Martin is holding a device and poking at it, puzzling.)

Brigette: Don't look at me; I don't know how the kids' MP3 player works.

(Martin drops the device.)

Martin: You know, Christmas is so quiet now. Remember when we used to spend it with my family?

Brigette: Yeah.

(Flashback to a hockey rink with a large hole in the wall. Two Murphys skating crash into each other while an ice polisher slides by on its side and crashes into something.)

(Another flashback. Martin illuminates his Christmas lighting, only for the power to go out all over the world.)

Brigette: Ah, things are easier now, but I do miss those Murphy family Christmases.

Radio announcer: And snow flurries are expected to last throughout this afternoon, —

Brigette: Aw!

Brigette and Martin: White Christmas.

Radio announcer: — until later, when it will turn into a massive snowstorm! (Cut to Sara's car.) I mean, we're talking mother of all snowstorms! Picture a tornado that ate a hurricane and had a blizzard for dessert, and then double it!

(Milo's, Melissa's, and Zack's phones ring; they answer them. The next three lines are spoken simultaneously.)

Milo: Hi, Mom. Yeah, we heard. Don't worry; we'll be home long before then.

Zack: Hi, Mom. Yeah, we heard. Don't worry; we'll be home as soon as we can.

Melissa: Hi, Dad. Yeah, we heard. Don't worry; we'll be home as soon as we can.

Milo: Bye.

(They hang up.)

Sara: Too bad it's not the future and our car can't just fly over the snow.

(Cut to a flying car in the future, specifically the year 2195. It passes a mall, to which cut. Within, Dakota is shown on giant video screens performing "I'm Going to the Zoo".)

Dakota: ♪ I'm goin' to the zoo, I'm goin' to the zoo, and then I'm gonna see some animals! ♪

Announcer: That was pop star Vinnie Dakota, singing his breakthrough smash, "I'm Going to the Zoo", which he then followed up with a decade of hits, including "I'm Going to the Dentist."

Dakota: ♪ I'm goin' to the dentist, I'm goin' to the dentist, and then I'm gonna fill some cavities! ♪

Announcer: And the perennial holiday favourite, "I'm Going to the Mall to Buy Christmas Presents".

(The screen shows Dakota with grey hair in a Santa hat, holding paper bags and singing.)

Dakota: ♪ I'm going to the mall! to buy some Christmas presents! ♪ (Continues singing.)

Announcer: Now you can read all about it in his bestselling autobiography, (A book appears on the screen, entitled I'm Going to the Zoo: The Autobiography of Pop Star Vinnie Dakota, with his image on it.) on sale now.

(Cut to Cavendish, much older now, sitting on a bench beneath the screen. He holds a book.)

Cavendish: "I'm Going to the Zoo"? Huh! We went to the zoo! We!

(Cavendish looks at his reflection in a giant snow-globe and sighs.)

Cavendish: Merry Christmas.

(He notices Dakota approaching and gasps.)

(Zoom out to show dozens of screaming fans approaching him, holding copies of his autobiography; he signs them.)

Fan: So exciting!

(A robot rolls up.)

Robot: Merry Christmas, Mr Dakota, sir. How are you functioning today?

Dakota: Well, I'm affluent, famous, and successful, so I must be doing great.

Robot: Mr Dakota will be signing his book upstairs, in the bookstore. Form a line this way.

(The fans go off. Cavendish watches as Dakota goes up.)

Cavendish: Oh, if only I had acted differently all those years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. Christmas, 2175.

(A flashback. Text appears, indicating that the scene is the "TIME BUREAU CHRISTMAS PARTY / 2175". Pan over the party; Block is wandering, snatching hors d'oeuvres. Brick and Savannah disintegrate a mistletoe-toting robot that hovers above them. Cavendish and Dakota, their familiar ages, fill up their plates at the buffet table. Cavendish reaches for an egg roll, but Dakota takes it up and eats it.)

Cavendish: Pardon me, but that was my egg roll.

Dakota: I called dibs.

Cavendish: When?

Dakota: Right now. I'm calling dibs now. Dibs.

Cavendish: You can't call dibs post facto.

Dakota: Oh, here he goes with the big word.

Cavendish: It's not a big word; it's two medium-sized words. Two medium-sized Latin words.

Dakota: Why are you always talking down to me?

Cavendish: You didn't think I might want that egg roll?

Dakota: Yeah, I thought about it. I thought maybe I might want it more.

Cavendish: Ah! Typical selfish Dakota. You put your desire for that egg roll before our partnership, our friendship, —

Dakota: Well, that egg roll was a lot more satisfying than our friendship. To you, a friend is just a person you get to correct all day. How many times have you ever said to me, "You're right, Dakota"? Have you ever said that?

Cavendish: It would be nice if you were right once in a while!

Dakota: See! That's — that's why food comes first! Bad friend! Bad friend!

Cavendish: Augh! I've had it with this!

Dakota: I've had it! I'm storming out!

Cavendish: Oh, not before I do! I hope I never see you again!

Dakota: Not before I do!

Cavendish: That doesn't even make any sense!

Dakota: Goodbye, Cavendish. (Storms off.)

(Cavendish stands, glaring in Dakota's direction. Mr Block approaches him.)

Mr Block: You gonna eat that? (Takes a morsel off Cavendish' plate and eats it.) You know it's free, right? It tastes better when it's free.

(The flashback ends with Cavendish staring into the giant snow-globe. A robot approaches.)

Robot: Did you not read the sign? (Projects a holographic sign.) "No loitering, flashbacks, or old men with unfinished business in this area." I'm going to have to ask you to move along. Feel free to stand over there, however. (Points to the "OLD MEN WITH UNFINISHED BUSINESS WAITING AREA", where sit several old men. They speak.)

First old man with unfinished business: If I could only go back.

(The words, "If I could only go back," echo in Cavendish' mind several times.)

Cavendish: Wait! I can go back! I'm a time-traveller! Of course, I'd be breaking a lot of regulations, but I can go back and fix it! (Goes off.)

Second old man with unfinished business: Did he say "time travel"?

(Cut to the parking lot. Cavendish is going to his old, familiar time vehicle, and the other old men with unfinished business are following him, calling. Cavendish starts to unlock the vehicle, but swings at them with his cane.)

Cavendish: Back! Back! I'm going back to 2175 to fix my past!

Third old man with unfinished business: Couldn't you just drop us off on the way?

(Cavendish pauses. Cut to Cavendish and the old men with unfinished business in the time-stream.)

Fourth old man with unfinished business: I need to use the bathroom.

(Cut back to the upstairs of the mall, where Dakota is signing books.)

Robot: Please, keep all awkward overtures of affection to an absolute minimum.

Fan: I'm a big fan. (Opens his book to a page with a large picture of Dakota and Cavendish.) Just wanted to ask you, if I could: Whatever happened to you and your old partner?

Dakota: (sighs) Cavendish.

Fan: (closes the book) You alright? It's like the warm façade of your affluent life just dropped away to reveal hidden discontent and pain. That's just what I see.

Dakota: I'm sorry. Cavendish and I, we — you know, we had a falling-out.

Fan: Well, time heals all wounds, right?

(The words "time heals all wounds, right?" echo in Dakota's mind several times.)

Dakota: Right! Time heals all wounds! I'm a time-traveller! Of course, I'd be breaking a lot of regulations, (gets up and goes off) but when has that ever bothered me?

(Cut to the airport in "PRESENT DAY". Nate enters, and Milo, Melissa, and Zack are waiting for him.)

Milo: Hi, coz! (hugs Nate)

Nate: Hey, Milo.

Milo: This is my cousin Nate. He's in denial about the whole "Murphy's law" thing.

Nate: I'm not in denial; I just don't have it. It skipped a generation.

Milo: Right! So I'm sure your luggage will be here.

(Cut to the baggage claim.)

Nate: Yeah, it's not here.

(They look through the curtain and see it afar off, about to be loaded on a truck.)

Nate: There it is. The green one.

Milo: (to the worker) Hey! Over here!

(The conveyor on which he is standing starts to move. He and Nate start to chase after it. They see it about to be loaded onto a plane and run for it. The baggage truck drives away, and they climb the baggage loading truck into the plane's cargo hold. The door shuts behind them, and they emerge into the passenger area.)

Flight attendant: We are about to take off! You need to take your seats.

(They take a pair of vacant seats. The baggage truck drives under the wing of a plane, and the bag is deposited on top of it. The other plane taxis away.)

Nate: My bag!

Milo: Huh. Better call Sara.

(Cut to the drop-off and pickup area of the airport. Sara's phone rings, and she answers.)

Milo: You might want to go to long-term parking. We're at thirty thousand feet.

Sara: Yeah, okay.

(Cut back to the plane.)

Milo: Ha! Murphy's law, huh?

Nate: Yeah. I don't! have! Murphy's! law!

(Cut to the plane on which the bag was, cruising at altitude; the bag falls off the wing and into the sea near two sailors.)

First sailor: Would you look at that? Must have fallen out of an airplane! Quick: let's get it in the boat, so we can get it back to its rightful owner!

(A shark jumps out of the water and takes it in its mouth; it dives back in.)

First sailor: Never mind.

(Cut to long-term parking; Melissa, Zack, and Sara are sitting in the car.)

Melissa: Well, these flurries are really starting to come down. (looks up) As are Nate and Milo. (They parachute in.)

Sara: Who needs flying cars?

(Cut to "CHRISTMAS 2175"; elder Cavendish time-travels in and approaches the Bureau of Time Travel.)

Elder Cavendish: Now, here's my chance to set things right.

(Cut to the other side of the building; elder Dakota time-travels in, dressed as Santa Claus.)

Elder Dakota: Now, here's my chance to set things right.

(Elder Cavendish enters the building and hides behind a pillar.)

Elder Cavendish: All I have to do is to stop this argument before it happens so that Dakota and I can have years of arguments to look forward to! Hm! (He puts on a baseball cap and a pair of sunglasses. Standing by the sign indicating the way to the buffet, he notices younger Cavendish and Dakota enter.)

Elder Cavendish: Now, how does one stop an argument before it starts?

Younger Dakota: Merry Christmas! Point me to the buffet.

Elder Cavendish: If he never finds the buffet table, they won't have an argument at the buffet table. (Changes the arrow on the sign from pointing leftward to pointing rightward.)

Elder Dakota: (backs into the sign) If he never finds the buffet table, they won't have an argument at the buffet table. (Changes the arrow on the sign to point leftward. Younger Cavendish and Dakota follow the sign.) Yes! (A robot floats by, bearing glasses; elder Dakota takes one.)

Elder Cavendish: (notices the sign pointing leftward) What in the World War Six! (Notices elder Dakota) What is he doing here?

(Cut back to the present day, at a train station. Milo, Nate, Sara, Zack, and Melissa stand by the tracks.)

Milo: Whew! I can't wait to see Grandma and Grandpa!

Zack: Yeah. Grandparents are the best. (to Sara) Hey, are yours full of great stories and wise advice?

Sara: They might be; there's no way of telling.

Melissa: How come?

Sara: You'll see.

(Grandma and Grandpa Murphy come into view.)

Milo: Hey, Grandma and Grandpa!

(Grandma and Grandpa Murphy always speak simultaneously.)

Grandma Murphy: Hi, kids! We had the nicest ride; your grandpa got a snack, and now we're late, and I needed some cabbage to carry.

Grandpa Murphy: Well, hello! Look how big you've gotten! Looks like we're the last ones off the train. I got hungry, but now we're ready to go.

Zack: Uh...

(Milo and Nate enter the train and hug their grandparents.)

Milo: Let us help you with those bags.

(The door shuts. Milo tugs in vain against it.)

Sara: (from without, pounding on the door) Uh, guys?

Milo: Ugh! Locked! I'll go talk to the conductor.

Grandma Murphy: Well, I think we should pull the assistance cord over there; that's the thing to do, Grandpa.

Grandpa Murphy: I would suggest trying to break this window here, but it's quite thick. Would you agree?

Milo: Good suggestions. From what I heard.

(The train starts moving.)

Melissa: Wait, wa- wait! Wait!!

(Milo calls Sara.)

Milo: Hey, Sara. Yeah, um, we're gonna be a few minutes.

Sara: Yeah, got it.

(Cut back to the Bureau Christmas party in 2175; elder Cavendish pulls elder Dakota aside.)

Elder Cavendish: Look, I don't know why you're here, but whatever it is, just stay out of my way.

Elder Dakota: You stay out of my way.

Younger Cavendish: I hope I never see you again!

Younger Dakota: Well, not before I do!

Younger Cavendish: That doesn't even make any sense!

Younger Dakota: Goodbye, Cavendish.

Elder Cavendish: Oh no! (Looks to see elder Dakota gone.) Oh, that's typical Dakota! Just storm off in the middle of the argument! As per usual, I'll do the adult thing and meddle with the time-space continuum, no matter what the consequences.

(Cut back to present day. A boat approaches the docks. The train has derailed and is smoking. Sara and Melissa drive up.)

Grandma Murphy: Not since the Murphy reunion of 1965 or 4.

Grandpa Murphy: You know, I haven't seen Murphy's law so strong since —

Nate: I don't have it!

Grandma Murphy: It's a good thing, young man. Who else gets to spend Christmas [chasing an iceberg water], running on tarmac, crossing train rooftops?

Grandpa Murphy: You should be proud to be a Murphy, son. Do you know anyone else who gets to spend the holidays climbing across the roof of moving trains or sinking in iceberg-infested waters?

Nate: No.

(Aunt Laura and Uncle Joey wave to them from the boat.)

Aunt Laura: Hi!

Uncle Joey: We made it!

Milo: Hey, Aunt Laura! Uncle Joey!

(The ropes holding the lifeboat up break, and it falls into the water. The boat drifts backward and is scraped by a passing iceberg; the boat starts to sink.)

Uncle Joey: It's so exciting. It's like the Titanic.

Aunt Laura: Fantastic! What a trip!

Zack: And I thought Milo was upbeat.

Milo: Oh. The storm is really picking up.

(He runs to the lifeboat and rows to his aunt and uncle; they board the lifeboat, and Milo rows back in.)

Uncle Joey: Now this is a Murphy Christmas.

Aunt Laura: Ha! Oh, Milo. (hugs him) What a way to make an entrance!

Uncle Joey: (shows Milo his foot, frozen in ice) I think my toes might fall off, and that's great, because I have the worst toes.

Aunt Laura: (to Nate) Hi, honey! (to Milo) Did he tell you it skipped a generation in our family?

Milo: He did!

Aunt Laura: (chuckles) Isn't that adorable?

(The iceberg crashes into the pier and sinks Nate. He surfaces and gets back on the pier.)

Nate: I don't have it!

Part Two
(The scene is the Bureau Christmas party once again. The first elder Cavendish sneaks into the building, and another elder Cavendish time-travels in behind him.)

Second elder Cavendish: I have to make sure I don't get spotted. (Puts on a motorcycle helmet.)

(Younger Cavendish and Dakota enter the party.)

Younger Cavendish: Wonderful shindig!

Younger Dakota: Merry Christmas! Point me to the buffet.

First elder Cavendish: Now, how does one stop an argument before it starts?

Second elder Cavendish: All I have to do is to get the egg rolls. No egg roll, no argument!

(The first elder Cavendish alters the sign. The first elder Dakota backs into it.)

First elder Dakota: If he never finds the buffet table, they won't have an argument at the buffet table. Ah! (changes the sign back)

Second elder Dakota: (struggling to keep within his coat something writhing) No egg roll, no argument. (goes thither, but runs into Mr Block)

Mr Block: Hey! No cutsies, bowl full of jelly!

Second elder Dakota: Ah, it's not my belly. Look! (releases a Velociraptor) Dinosaur, eat the egg roll!

Second elder Cavendish: (at the buffet table) The egg roll!

(The dinosaur mauls him, in the process launching the egg roll onto a tray near the younger Cavendish and Dakota.)

Younger Dakota: Ooh, egg roll.

Younger Cavendish: Well, I'd like that. (reaches for it)

(The younger Dakota takes it and eats it.)

Younger Dakota: I called dibs.

Younger Cavendish: When?

Younger Dakota: Right now. I'm calling dibs now.

(Cut to the dinosaur, beating up the second elder Cavendish.)

Younger Cavendish: Oh, I've had it with this!

Younger Dakota: You've had it? What about me? I've had it. I'm storming out.

Younger Cavendish: Oh, not before I do!

(They storm out; the second elder Dakota sighs.)

Second elder Dakota: I'm gonna need a bigger dinosaur. (goes off)

Second elder Cavendish: What is that old fool trying to do? (turns and notices the dinosaur) Oh! (runs away, but the dinosaur catches him)

(Cut back to the present day. Sara et al. are driving; the snow is heavier.)

Melissa: It's getting pretty bad out there.

Milo: Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I should have just gotten Mom and Dad sweaters.

Sara: No!

Melissa: Milo?

Milo: Maybe there's a reason they stopped getting the Murphys together for the holidays.

Uncle Joey: My favourite was the year that the Christmas hogs got loose.

Aunt Laura: Or the year the cat got into the Christmas tree and ran through the neighbourhood, dragging it behind him? Ah! That was my favourite. That was cute.

Grandma Murphy: Oh! The year the turkey went on fire and wound up tasting better than ever!

Grandpa Murphy: I'm partial to the year the woody-clawed reindeer came through the window.

Sara: If anyone can get us through this storm and back to the house, it's Murphys.

Milo: Okay! Let's go!

(Cut to the outside of the car, completely buried in snow.)

Milo: As soon as we dig out of this snowbank.

(Cut back to the Bureau Christmas party. The first and second elder Cavendishes sneak into the building; a third elder Cavendish time-travels in and parks in front of the second.)

Third elder Cavendish: Finally got rid of that dinosaur. (dons a life-jacket)

(The younger Cavendish and Dakota enter, and the third elder Cavendish enters separately and hides behind a Christmas tree.)

Third elder Cavendish: Now, there's only one way to stop them from wanting egg rolls: (pulls a ripcord on his life-jacket; it inflates, covering him and taking the appearance of a gigantic egg roll) scare tactics. (goes toward the buffet table)

Younger Dakota: Merry Christmas! Point me to the buffet.

Third elder Cavendish: Time to go! (goes toward screen right, from whence the second elder Dakota enters severally)

(The younger Cavendish and Dakota make their way toward the buffet table.)

Third elder Cavendish: Stop! Wait! Oh! The egg rolls are bad! Don't eat them! They turned me into this hideous half-man, half-egg-roll monster!

(The second elder Dakota releases his dinosaur, which pounces on the third elder Cavendish and tears up his costume. The younger Cavendish and Dakota look on.)

Younger Dakota: Weird way to celebrate Christmas. It does make me hungry for egg rolls. (He and the younger Cavendish go off.)

(A third elder Dakota breaks down the façade of the building, riding a Hamosaur. The party-goers panic.)

Third elder Dakota: Yee-hah! No roof means no arguments!

(In the Pandemonium, the third elder Cavendish runs into Mr Block; the egg roll on Mr Block's plate lands on a tray in front of the younger Cavendish and Dakota.)

Younger Cavendish: Oh, an egg roll! I'd like that. (reaches for it)

Younger Dakota: (takes it and eats it) I called dibs.

Younger Cavendish: When?

Younger Dakota: Right now. I'm calling dibs now.

Younger Cavendish: Augh! I've had it with this!

Younger Dakota: You've had it? What about me? I've had it! I'm storming out!

Younger Cavendish: Oh, not before I do!

Third elder Dakota: I'm starting to think maybe the size of the dinosaur was not the problem.

(Emergency services approach the Time Bureau building. The third elder Cavendish and the third elder Dakota, who is feeding the dinosaur, sit aside.)

Third elder Dakota: Oh, man. Time travel has really complicated this party.

Third elder Cavendish: What are you even doing here?

Third elder Dakota: What are you doing here?

Third elder Cavendish: Oh, my giddy uncle! I'm here trying to fix the past. I'm trying to save us from a, a future without —

Third elder Dakota: Without what?

Third elder Cavendish: Without each other.

Third elder Dakota: But that's why I'm here.

Third elder Cavendish: Really?

Third elder Dakota: Yeah! I'm trying to stop that argument. How do you stop an argument before it happens? There's just no way unless —

(A bell rings, signalling an epiphany.)

Third elders Cavendish and Dakota: Unless we work together!

(Cut back to the party before the younger Cavendish and Dakota arrive. The third elders time-travel in and enter, becoming the fourth elders.)

Fourth elder Dakota: Great; we're not even here yet.

Fourth elder Cavendish: Destroy the party, save ourselves.

Fourth elder Dakota: What about Mr Block? If we get caught crossing our own timelines without approval, we are finished.

Fourth elder Cavendish: We'll be in disguise. (puts a black moustache over his grey one and gives one to the fourth elder Dakota, who puts it on)

Fourth elder Dakota: Oh, howdy, pardner!

Fourth elder Cavendish: Don't do that.

(The fourth elders Cavendish and Dakota burst from giant gift boxes in mecha suits and rampage.)

Younger Dakota: I'm storming out!

Younger Cavendish: Oh, not before I do!

(The fourth elders do so again. As they burst out of the gift boxes, a herd of dinosaurs runs by, terrorizing the party-goers.)

Younger Dakota: I'm storming out!

Younger Cavendish: Oh, not before I do!

(The fourth elders do so again; this time, aliens joins the dinosaurs.)

Younger Dakota: I'm storming out!

Younger Cavendish: Oh, not before I do!

(The fourth elders do so again. The events are same as before.)

Younger Dakota: I'm storming out!

Younger Cavendish: Oh, not before I do!

(A different pair of elders bursts through a wall in a giant ship. Noticing their failure, they sigh.)

(Cut back to the present. Sara is trying in vain to start the car.)

Sara: The engine won't start. It's frozen up.

Zack: Well, how are we gonna get home for dinner now?

(Diogee looks out a window, whimpers and barks. Everyone's attention is directed to a horse-drawn carriage.)

Carriage driver: Oh, my wife was right. I shoulda worn a coat. Plus, who's gonna want to ride in this weather?

(The Murphys, Diogee, Melissa and Zack approach.)

Milo: Actually, we'd like a ride.

Carriage driver: Yes! Stranded people! It's a Christmas miracle!

(They ride.)

Milo: Hang on; we're gonna make it.

(The horse swerves off the road, and a wheel breaks off the carriage. They careen on a frozen lake. The carriage breaks from its yoke and is flung into a giant Christmas tree.)

Zack: We need to get out of this storm.

Melissa: Uh, I think there's a building up there.

Zack: Well, what if it's not open?

Grandma Murphy: It had better be open.

Grandpa Murphy: We'll just have to take our chances.

Nate: That's it? Hope for the best or freeze to death?

Melissa: You don't get to talk.

Milo: There's always a way out. If it's not open, we'll figure something else out. (They disembark.) I hope.

(Cut back to the Time Bureau's Christmas party.)

Younger Cavendish: Ugh! I've had it with this!

Younger Dakota: You've had it? What about me? I've had it. I'm storming out.

Younger Cavendish: Oh, not before I do!

(They bump into each other.)

Younger Cavendish: Oh, I hope —

Seafaring elder Cavendish: Hey! Not ever again. Stop! Just stop!

Mr Block: Cavendish?

Seafaring elder Dakota: Please stop fighting.

Mr Block: Dakota? You two are in big trouble! You crossed your own — (notices an elder Mr Block behind him)

Elder Mr Block: You don't want to get these guys in trouble tonight; trust me. Have you tried the buffet? You know it's free, right? Tastes better when it's free.

Younger Cavendish: Wait. What is going on?

Younger Dakota: I — I think it's us.

Seafaring elder Cavendish: We're sorry. We — we failed. We failed you. We — we failed us.

Seafaring elder Dakota: We crisscrossed our own timelines over and over again trying to prevent this argument and stop you guys from breaking up.

Seafaring elder Cavendish: But no matter what we do, we can't seem to fix this.

Younger Cavendish: You crossed timelines, your own timelines? But that's —

Seafaring elder Cavendish: Reckless and stupid, I know.

Seafaring elder Dakota: We both did.

Younger Cavendish: You, you did that for me?

Seafaring elder Dakota: Well, yeah. Of course I did.

Younger Dakota: But you hate breaking the rules.

Seafaring elder Cavendish: And yet I broke all of them today.

(Pan over the party to reveal many other pairs of elders Cavendish and Dakota. One pair emerges from their dinosaur disguise.)

Younger Dakota: I'm sorry.

Younger Cavendish: I'm sorry.

Seafaring elder Cavendish: I'm sorry too.

Seafaring elder Dakota: Yeah, super, super sorry.

Younger Dakota: Egg rolls aren't more important to me than you are. I mean, a spring roll, maybe, but —

(The other pairs of elders Cavendish and Dakota start to vanish.)

Seafaring elder Cavendish: Oh, oh no. We're vanishing! The versions of us that aren't friends no longer exist!

Seafaring elder Dakota: It's like we're ghosts of Christmas future.

Seafaring elder Cavendish: Wait a moment. We're from the future as well, so that means that we're going to — (vanishes)

Seafaring elder Dakota: Ah, nutjobbers. (vanishes)

Cavendish: Well, who knows how our future will turn out?

Dakota: I'm sure it'll be fine. Hey. I know a place that serves the best egg rolls!

(Cut to the present day. Pan over a tempestuous sea.)

Radio announcer: The storm is here, folks, and it's a monster! Not a literal monster; more of a figurative monster. It's a figure of speech. I repeat, there is no actual monster!

(A watery, icy tornado plucks up a fishing boat. Cut to the mall. The M in "MALL" is blown off by the wind. Within, Martin and Brigette dash for the door. A guard stops them.)

Guard: We're advising all shoppers to wait the worst of the storm out; it's not safe out there.

Brigette: We know; that's why we're leaving!

Martin: We have to find our kids.

Guard: No; I'm sorry; I cannot let anyone out there. No human being could survive in this weather; it's just too — ugh! (He is blown off his feet by an influx of wind, caused by Milo opening the door.)

Milo: It's open!

Martin and Brigette: Milo!

Milo: Dad! Mom! Merry Christmas!

(They embrace. Sara joins them.)

Brigette: We're so glad you're okay!

Martin: We were so worried.

(The extended Murphy family enters, greeting them.)

Aunt Laura: Surprise.

Martin: Joey!

Uncle Joey: Martin, hey!

(They hug.)

Brigette: Aw! Oh, this is so gre — how did you get here?

Aunt Laura: Milo!

Brigette: Milo?

Uncle Joey: Yeah, Milo wanted to surprise you.

Martin: Oh, Milo.

Brigette: Oh, honey.

(The Murphys embrace again.)

Martin: Thank you, kids. This is wonderful. All the Murphys together in one spot.

Milo: It's Christmas Eve, and everything that can go wrong already has.

Sara: So I guess we're safe from here on —

(The fishing boat plucked up earlier crashes through the skylight on a wave of snow. Everyone stares agape. The shark is dropped next to them.)

First sailor: Yeah! We're okay!

Sailors: Merry Christmas!

(The shark belches up a green bag.)

Nate: My bag! See, I told you I didn't have Murphy's law. (beat) Oh, this isn't my bag.

Milo: Too bad we won't be able to have Christmas Eve dinner. Unless there's somewhere in the mall —

Martin: What restaurant would still be open on Christmas Eve?

(Cut to a restaurant serving "Chinese Food". The Murphys join several tables as "Everybody Is Here" plays. Zack's parents join him; Melissa's father joins her.)

Singer: ♪ It's not about the mistletoe or decorations that we keep in the basement ♪

(Pan over the tables. The Murphys, Zack, Amanda and Mort sit and eat there.)

♪ And it's not about the presents, because that's just product placement ♪

(Pan to a separate table where Cavendish and Dakota sit.)

♪ Christmas is not about — (continues singing)

Dakota: Merry Christmas, partner. You can have the last egg roll.

Cavendish: No, please. You have it.

Dakota: No, I insist. You.

Cavendish: No, you have it.

Waiter: Uh, we have literally thousands of egg rolls.

(A dinosaur runs by. Sara is standing outside, watching Doctor Zone on the televisions in the "electronic supply" store. Diogee is chasing the dinosaur.)

Singer: ♪ It's not just a [tame idea] (?) (Cut to the mall in 2195.) It's not about a [cynical reindeer] ♪

(Within, elder Cavendish and Dakota are signing copies of We're Going to the Zoo: An Autobiography of Two Time Traveling Pop Stars.)

♪ But it's a time that we can be of cheer ♪

♪ And we all know it's Christmas, 'cause everybody is here ♪

♪ Everybody is here ♪

Cavendish: Merry Christmas, old friend.

Dakota: Yup. Merry Christmas.

Singer: ♪ Everybody is here ♪

("Everybody Is Here" ends. The end of the episode.)