That's My Boy

(ROCK OF AGES PLAYING) All right I got something to say Yeah It's better to burn out Yeah Than fade away All right Ow Terrific. Gonna start a fire (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) Come on What's up, numb-nuts? Read 'em and weep. Van Halen at the Centrum. Third row! You should take Jolene, man. I heard she got big nipples. This is Van freakin' Halen, man. Get serious. Besides, I'm just not into girls anymore. Dude, I'm into guys, too! No, no, no, no, no. That's not what I meant. I'm into women. (I WAS MADE FOR LOVING YOU PLAYING) Yeah Hey, Mary. I got two tickets to Van Halen this weekend. What time should I pick you up? It is Miss McGarricle, Donny. And that's cute, but I am your teacher, not your girlfriend. Whoa, Miss McGarricle, who said anything about girlfriends? Let's just start with a summer fling, couple of hand jobs, no expectations. Don't get all psycho on me right away. That is a month's detention. What's a hand job? I don't know, but I think I want one. Can I go to the bathroom? No. No talking in detention, Mr. Berger. All right, I'm sorry for what I did. I promise I won't do it again. You're in a lot of trouble, Donny. Wait, you're not gonna tell my dad, are you? He'll kick my ass. He... He's crazy. What were you trying to do, anyway? Impress your friends? Well, you know, you're, um... You have a little crush on me? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) No. "No." So, you... You don't want me. No. Yeah. I... I don't know what I'm supposed to say right now. Is that gum in your mouth, Donny? Mmm. You know, I've been watching you all year, Donny. When you hit that shot to beat Fairfield and you were jumping up and down in your little Larry Bird short-shorts and sweating like ajar of pickles in the hot sun... (SIGHS) Oh, God. That was so hot. Is this really happening? This is happening. It's happening right now. In my office. Okay. Awesome. So, I... I'm totally in. How do you want to do it? 'Cause I made sex before, lots of ways. So you want to go straight to hand jobs or eating me out or taking me from behind? I'll teach you. DONNY: (VOICE CRACKS) I'm a virgin. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! (AND THE CRADLE WILL ROCK PLAYING) Ow Oh, yeah You know Oh (READING IN HEBREW) Well, they say it's kind of frightening How this younger generation swings You know it's more than just... Who? Me? Well, the kid is into losing sleep And he don't come home for half the week You know it's more than just an aggravation And the cradle will rock Hey, Donny, what'd you get? Cradle will rock And I say rock on And if I'm elected eighth grade class president, I promise to... MARY: (GASPING) You're getting so good at this! I promise to do my best to lower prices at the school stores and, um... MARY: All of our practice is really paying off! (MARY MOANING) I like the sound of that. (MARY MOANING) (RHYTHMIC BANGING) Timmy, stop. Hold on a second. (AUDIENCE GASPS) (SCREAMS) (AUDIENCE MURMURING) My dad's gonna kick my ass. (CHEERING) Calm down! (WILD CHEERING) AUDIENCE: (CHANTING) Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Who's the man? Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Yeah! You want some of me? Who's the man? (CHEERING CONTINUES) (CAMERAS CLICKING) JUDGE: All right, everybody! (GAVEL BANGING) Enough! I am aware that a lot of people think that this young man is not really a victim, but someone that's living the ultimate teenage boy's fantasy. Absolutely. (GALLERY MURMURS) JUDGE: But... (GAVEL BANGING) ...this is a serious crime. Mary Beth McGarricle, rise for sentencing. (GALLERY GASPS) (MURMURS) JUDGE: The fact that this relationship has resulted in a pregnancy and you show absolutely no remorse, saying, and I quote, "I would fuck that kid again and again. "He makes me feel like there's a rainbow "coming out of my beaver..." (GALLERY MURMURS) ...leaves me absolutely no choice but to levy the maximum penalty. Thirty years in the Massachusetts Women's Penitentiary. And furthermore, the court grants custody of the unborn child to Donald Berger's father... Dumb-ass. ...until Donald turns 18, at which time he will assume full custody. (GALLERY MURMURS) Take care of our baby, Donny! Miss McGarricle! I'll never stop loving you! That is just fucking mental. (LIMELIGHT PLAYING) (CROWD CHEERING) Living on a lighted stage Approaches the unreal For those who think and feel In touch with some reality (BABY COOS) Beyond the gilded cage The kid is young, he's attractive, he can probably keep a hard-on longer than this fucking guy. Cast in this unlikely role III-equipped to act With insufficient tact One must put up barriers Made you flinch, pansy. Go ahead! I don't need you! I'm Donny freakin' Berger! I'm wicked famous and I got a wicked big schlong! RADIO DJ 1: Hey, here's something. Donny Berger's back in the news. RADIO DJ 2: That kid who got his teacher pregnant? Exactly. Oh, I love that guy. Seems like he bought a round last night. Okay- For everybody in Boston Garden. (LAUGHS) Oh, my God, he's my hero. That kid is burning through that money, but he's having a good time doing it. (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) (OVER CAR STEREO) The underlying theme (OVER CAR STEREO) The underlying theme (MUSIC STOPS) (SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE) DONNY: So, guy, how'd we do? What them fuckers at the IRS say? Well, they said a lot of stuff. The thing that really jumped out was "three years in prison." Three years? Yeah, you haven't paid taxes since '94, Donny. What... I thought they were taking it out automatically! I told them that's what you thought, and they said it's the stupidest thing they ever heard. But there is some good news. If you can pay the balance off by the end of the weekend, they'll suspend the sentence. Oh, okay, there you go. What are we talking about? Hit me. No! Come on, Donny! Don't screw up my Tom Brady poster. It's my favorite one. Look at that jawline. Just the right amount of scruff. I'm sorry! I'm just freaking out here! I don't got 43 grand! Well, look, hey, good news. Monday's Memorial Day, so you don't need to get the money till Tuesday. All right. That'll give me time to sell my diamond Lamborghini! Hey, hey, hey! You're killing me, man! Don't mess with the genius. Jimmy, I got $28 to my name. I got a hot tip on a long shot that just might come in. What is it, a horse? No. This is Tubby Tuke, fat guy. Fat guy? Gonna run the marathon. Odds on him winning are 8,000-to-1. But this cat's got wheels on him. I think he's gonna win, I really do. All right, I'll put 20 on the fat fuck, but I can't count on that. It's a long shot, you said it yourself. But what about your kid? Maybe he can come up with the dough. We don't talk no more. He kind of moved out when he turned 18, and, uh, that's the last I seen of him. What happened? I don't know. I loved that little Han Solo more than anything in the world, too. You named your kid Han Solo? Yes, sir. Han Solo Berger? Coolest name in the world, right? Why don't you just Facebook him? I can't afford that shit. What am I, a billionaire? I don't think he wants to be found, anyways. Especially by me. Hey, look! It's us! (SHRIEKING) On the cover! Don't we look great? Yeah, well, you look good. I kind of look like a ventriloquist. (CHUCKLES) I don't know, it's still kind of weird, right? I mean, it's got our faces and our names. It just seems like anyone could find us. "Find us?" Honey, did you take your Xanax today? Yeah, two. I always double down when your parents are in town. Do you have your security undies? Yep, right here. Good. I know that makes you feel better. There's stranger things than walking around with an extra pair of underwear for emergencies. Look, just this once, don't be so weird. We're gonna have the best wedding ever. Okay. (SIGHS SOFTLY) DONNY: Holy shit. What the hell happened to my life, Champale? Don, honey, no way to come up with that money, huh? No. The only thing I'm good at is being Donny Berger, and no one wants to pay for that anymore. Aw, Donny. Wow! My face is your toilet! Show some fucking respect over there, Kenny. Hey, whoa. Hey, Mom, did you want some breakfast after you finish your dance? Give it to me now, honey. Donny doesn't mind, do you, Donny? Holy cow, that's my son! Who, Han Solo? I thought you said he was a fatty. No, no, no. He must have lost the weight or something, 'cause I swear to God, that's my boy. It says, "Todd Peterson to wed Jamie Martin this Sunday "at All Saints Church on Cape Cod." Todd Peterson? He changed his name! Why? What was wrong with Han Solo Berger? It's the coolest fucking name of all time. "Peterson is one of the youngest "large-cap hedge fund managers in the financial industry." Oh, he got rich on us, huh? "All the more impressive considering he was orphaned "at age nine when both his parents "died in a horrific explosion." He fucking blew me up and his mother? Donny, maybe your son could help you, financially. I don't know. This kid changed his name. He doesn't even want to be a Berger anymore. He's not gonna want to talk to me. That was the incomparable Champale. (APPLAUSE) And now, looking hot and ignoring doctor's orders, let's welcome Amber. (WOLF WHISTLES) What the fuck happened to her? Fuck you, Kenny! Hey, what's up, RoboCop? GERALD: This is where your boss lives? TODD: Oh, uh, it's actually just his summer home. GERALD: Summer home. What a dick. JAMIE: Dad! Oh, my goodness. Todd, it's just breathtaking! (LAUGHS) Hey! There he is. Hey, Mr. Spirou. There's my golden boy. (LAUGHS) Come over here, champ. Come on, get over here. Oh, oh. Hi.Yeah. Oh, look at you. Look at you, the lovely bride. What a couple! Mr. Spirou, it's so amazing that you're letting us all stay here. Seriously, thank you so much. Steve, these are my parents, Gerald and Helen. Oh, it's a pleasure. Hi. Your daughter's a sweetheart. You can tell she likes Todd for Todd, not because he's gonna be rich. I wouldn't want my boy to end up with some gold digger like the last three whores I married, huh? (LAUGHTER) True story. All three? Whores. (CHUCKLES) Huh. Well, guys, this weekend, mi casa es su casa. You know, every member of my staff are lucky to be in this country, so feel free to abuse the shit out of 'em. (LAUGHS) Go get the fucking bags! Well, Mrs. Spirou, I've always said that if the finance game was an amusement park, your son would be a roller coaster, and I would just ride him all day long. (CHUCKLES) That came out weird. Yeah, well, Stevie likes to think that he's the star of the family. But before he was born, I modeled a bathing suit for a Woolworth advertisement. Well, you still have quite a figure on you there, Delores. Yeah, I can see where Steve got his rocking bod. (LAUGHS) Oh, why, thank you. JAMIE: Oh! Chad's here! Oh, my God. Oh, hooray. TODD: Fantastic. (JAMIE CHUCKLES) I... I guess they didn't want to see it. Yay, Chad! (LAUGHS) Come here. Mom. Oh, sweetheart. I'm home. Dad, how are you, sir? You look great. Thank you, sir. Hey, Chad, I'm Todd. Oh, my God. Oh, God, I missed you, sis. That's a good hug. (CHUCKLES) Chad, this is my fiance, Todd. Pleasure to meet you, Chadwick. Are you a soldier? Uh, no. Sailor? No. Airman? No. Girl Scout? No. Well, then I'd prefer if you take your fingers away from your forehead and you shake my hand like the civilian you are. Yeah, sorry, I'm stupid. I don't know why I did that. Honest mistake. Come here, I want to show you this. (CHUCKLING) Look, if you ever do anything to hurt my sister, I will take my government-issued service revolver, stick it straight up your fuppin' poop chute, and empty the clip. Do you feel me? Yes, I totally feel you... Dawg. (CHUCKLES) Randy Jackson, right? I've got 10 ways to kill you with my bare hands right now. (CHUCKLES) Don't. (CHUCKLES) Don't. Hi, sweetheart, how are you? Can I see Randall Morgan possibly? Yeah, you're gonna need an appointment. I knew you were gonna say that. Uh, but you know what? Tell him Donny Berger's out here. He'll be pretty psyched to see an old friend. You know what? Mr. Morgan's on vacation right now. I'm sorry. He's on vacation? That son of a... Oh, hey! Vanilla Ice. Randall's just getting makeup. Go ahead to the green room. Vanilla, what's up, guy? It's been a long time. Uh, how you been? Are you seriously giving me the silent treatment still? You know that hurts me. Yeah? Well, that's why I'm giving it to you. How's it feel, chump? It's breaking my heart. We were friends for 20 years, guy. We were friends until you banged my mother! I didn't know it was her, I swear to God! It's not like her last name is Ice. You should've known by the haircut! Aw, come on, Vanilla Bean Latte. Will you just... What? I'm just saying, I'm in big trouble, guy. This, like, monetary thing. I, uh... I'm going to prison if I don't get 43 large, so... What, do you think I got that kind of money? Of course you got that kind of money. Royalties from Ice Ice Baby, you must be fucking loaded! Man, listen, Queen took 50 %. Suge took the other 60 %. I fucking owe money when that shit gets played, man! Dude, come on, will you please stop, collaborate and listen? Oh, here... What? No, I love that song. You know that shit. I was on top of that, fucking day one. Listen, man. I work at a ice rink now. I deep-fry chicken nuggets, man. I'll get you a deal on a barbecue sauce packet. Fucking A, buddy. Both of us. This sucks. Broke. Who'd have thought this would happen to us? Maybe I should call your mother. She'll give me the money, I know that. What? What? What? What? (PEOPLE GASP) (GROANING) Hey, dude. Didn't spill my beer, fucker. (LAUGHS) Fuck you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Nobody comes in here and starts busting up my joint unless I got cameras rolling. Look, Donny, nobody remembers what Tiger Woods did let alone something that happened 25 years ago. Oh, I'm telling you, when I walk down the street, people are like, "There's that guy!" I'm still fucking big, dude. All right, how about this? I'm doing a show on '80s train wrecks. Maybe I slip you in after that Milli Vanilli guy, all right? Who, Fab? He's a fucking buddy of mine. Yeah. That would be huge, dude. How much money? Um... Maybe 400 bucks. Dude, I need 43 G-birds. What are we talking about right now? RANDALL: (LAUGHING) You need $43,000? Are you back on drugs? Yeah. It's never... This is never going to happen. Never. Little bit more blush if you can. Just like you did that, uh, John Wayne Bobbitt in his penis reunion show. That's actually a good idea, a reunion. Me and Miss McGarricle, together again, live from a women's prison. A women's prison. Very sexy. Mmm-hmm. We could shoot it this weekend. You could give me the money. Very sexy. You know, you could eat that ass after I leave the room, but I need an answer right now. What do you think? What about your kid? My kid? What about my kid? He... He's got to be a walking Gong Show. No. What are you talking about? He's doing great. He's, like, a hot shit now. He's getting married down at the Cape this weekend. Wait, wait, wait, wait. "Horny teacher baby makes good." (SNIFFS) Smell that? Smell it, Donny? What? That's not me. She probably cut the cheese. No, no, no. No, ratings. (SNIFFS) I smell ratings. My kid is very publicity-shy, so I... You know, to be honest, I don't think he'd do a piece of shit show like this. All right, here's the deal. You get yourself and your actual kid up to the women's prison this weekend, I will shoot it, I will give you 'Cause I'm going to guess, Donny, you want to be visiting a prison, not living in one. So, Todd, how does one get into the hedgehog business anyway? Oh, it's actually hedge funds. You think you're better than me? No. JAMIE: Chad, did you know that Todd is really great with numbers? You got to see this. Oh, Jamie, no. Don't make... What's 452 times 77? Beep be-op beep (BOTH CHUCKLING) Oh, he could just be making that up. No, he's not! Ooh. There's a calculator on my cell phone. Okay. What is 94... times 312, Todd? Beep boop boop boop beep. Freaky. I don't know. It's just something I can do. Are you sure you're not a Chinaman? TODD: Oh, that's inappropriate. White whore. (CHUCKLES) (DOORBELL RINGING) JAMIE: Oh, I'll get it. Oh, my God. You must be Jamie. You're, like, even hotter than you looked in the paper. (LAUGHS) Look at your hair blowing in the wind like Tawny Kitaen when she was fucking dry-humping that car. Okay. And you must be... Donny. What's the matter? Chubby never even mentioned me? Chubby? Oh, I mean... (MOCKING) Todd Peterson. Why do you say it like that? It just comes out that way. Where are my manners, right? Could you hold that? Take a chug if you'd like. I got you a fucking great gift. Here it is. I'll take the brew back. Just, you got to read it, though. It's fucking... Yeah! (LAUGHS) I don't know where they come up with this shit, but it's pretty fucking funny. Spencer's Gifts never fucking fails me. I want to meet Mr. Spencer one day and say, "Thanks, motherfucker, for all the laughs." Hey, I also made you a mix tape. Who the fuck is rich in this house? Jeezum, it's huge. Uh, Todd, your old man is here? Wassup! Oh! (GASPS) Helen, oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. No, it's... Uh, let me just get that for you. Uh, uh, that's, uh... What? No. Oh, sorry, those are yours. I... Donny, what... what the fuck, man? Sorry. Uh, what... what are you doing here? What do you mean? I thought you said your parents were dead. Um, no, they are... super dead. He's hilarious. (LAUGHS) My old man. My old man... friend. From... Wassup! Right? Well, aren't you going to introduce us? No. Yes. Yes. Here we go. Uh, this is, uh, my future father-in-law, Gerald, and his lovely wife, Helen. And Jamie's brother, Chad. Hey-0! Do not... That's... (LAUGHTER) What? I like the look of this. Who's this? Okay. This is my boss Steve's mother, Delores, who's awake now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's where you get all the looks from, huh, sweetie? Yeah, no, we're not related. Oh, yeah? Well, she wishes, 'cause you got the fucking... you're stacked pretty good. Mmm. Anyhow, Jame, this is my old friend, Donny. Your best friend. I'm his best friend. Mmm. Your best friend. Uh, yeah, no. Remember I told you we met, uh... Where'd we meet? Um, we met... Where? Come on. Uh, it's coming to me. I saved his life. Oh. Well, more metaphorically. No, no, no, no, no. Here's what happened. It was, like, one of them, uh, train track kind of deals. My man over here, I see him, he drops his burrito on the tracks. I'm like, "All right, that happens." Next thing you know, homeboy leaps down there, and he tries to retrieve the burrito. Okay? I see a train whizzing at him. I'm like, "This guy's about to die, and he don't know it." I fucking leap down there myself, right, and I give him a little shove on the heinie. "Get out of the way, buddy!" Next thing you know, I realize this thing's going to hit me. I fucking remember, though, I had a kung fu instructor who taught me how to tighten the diaphragm, and I bring it in there. And I feel the train go by. My eyes are closed. Rips my shirt off my body, okay? I open my eyes. I see all these chicks just kind of looking at me, going, "What is that? "That's the fucking most chiseled guy I've ever seen." I worked out at the time. Anyways, the place goes bananas for me, I sign a couple of titties, and I started hanging out with this guy ever since. Best friends, right? Here you go, my boy. I just can't believe I've never heard that story before. Why wouldn't you just get another burrito, Todd? Uh, wouldn't it be dirty? Great questions. Uh, it's one of the many things about this story that's pretty hard to believe. So, uh, where are you staying, Donny? Oh, he's not staying. No. I can't stay. Yeah, no, he's right. Oh, pshaw. I mean, invite him to stay here. You have to stay. He's your best friend. You're his best friend. Sheesh, I'm not messing with her. I mean, you are my best friend, guy. And, Jamie, you can be my breast friend. (LAUGHTER) Oh. Breast, with an With an Oh! Ooh! By the way, dude, you look fantastic. You lost all the weight, homeboy. I miss the titties. You saved my life? Seriously? What? They ate that up. You came up with a whole lot of nothing. That's a nice suitcase, by the way. What is that, Louis Vuitton? This is a Hefty bag. What the fuck are you talking about? What do you want, Donny? Money? You heard I was doing well, so you came looking for a handout? I don't want none of your money. How is that? Okay? I get it. You don't like me. I exploded. I wish you had exploded. That way, I wouldn't have to see your stupid face anymore! Did you happen to notice I created a whole fake life just so I could get away from you? Your mother's sick, by the way. (SIGHS) I don't believe you. They don't know how long she's got. What is that, nunchuks? I told her you would visit her up at the prison. I'm kind of thinking you're the kind of guy who would pull through for Mumsie. Know what I'm saying? She'd do the same for you. Really? Yeah. Saturday's the last visiting day before the big surgery, so... So let me get this straight. You want me to go visit my "sick mom" that I haven't talked to in years, in prison, the day before my wedding. Correct. Not happening, asshole. What the fuck did I do to you to make you hate me so much? I am fucking baffled right now. Well, maybe you don't remember, but you were basically the worst parent ever. Me? I did everything for you, buddy, and I never gave you an ounce of shit about nothing. You never gave me nothing. I gave you a snake. Yeah, and then it died after it ate all your Quaaludes. That was the only time anybody's ever seen a king cobra laugh. And I take pride in that, so fuck you. Yeah, great. You know what? I basically had to raise myself, Donny. I never learned how to swim. I don't even know how to ride a bike. You know how fucking humiliating that is? What about Mr. Mitty? Remember him? What? No. What's that? Mr. Mitty. I used to put an oven mitt on my hand. He would cheer you up all the time when you were sad. "Don't be upset, young man. "I'm your best friend. "Even though I'm an oven mitt." No, I don't remember that, okay? You know what I do remember? You making me drive you home from the beach 'cause you got too drunk. It makes sense to me. When somebody's hammered, they have another guy drive home. I was eight! Well, you looked 14 'cause you were such a huge fat fuck. I'm sorry. Oh, you are such an asshole. Dude, you're a millionaire now, and you're marrying that hot chick. I must have done a pretty decent job as a dad, don't you think? Oh, yeah? You want to check in on your pretty decent job? DONNY: Oh, my God. You're a junkie? Who's your supplier? 'Cause I'll smack that motherfucker around. It's insulin, you dick. I'm a diabetic 'cause you let me eat cake and lollipops for breakfast every day. But that's what you fucking asked for. Yeah, you're supposed to say no. You know, I weighed 400 pounds by the time I was 12. You know how hard it was to take that weight off? All right, all right. I... I didn't know what I was doing. I had no one helping me. Grandpa was a psycho. You know that. Han Solo, don't be like this. I'm a good person. Okay, don't call me that, all right? My name's Todd now. Call yourself Han Solo. You're dressed like him. Good one. I'm just saying, buddy, give me a chance. Do you have any Axe body spray? No, Donny, I don't have any Axe body spray. Because I'm not a fucking douche bag. That's a douche bag thing? When did that become a douche bag thing? (KNOCK AT DOOR) JAMIE: Todd, the guests are arriving. Let's go! All right, can you lighten up a little bit? We got a party to attend. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Good person, how about you put on a tie, okay? It's a cocktail party, not a Quiznos opening. What? I haven't worn a tie since my mother's funeral when I was three. I'm not going to start that up again. That's great Put on a tie. Put on a tie! O I'll never sell out. I'll give you 100 bucks. Where's the tie? (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) Look at this. Jamie is going to have it all. (SIGHS) TODD: Oh, by the way, Mr. Spirou, I read the OPEC report, and I was thinking, if we hedge our position on oil, we could really, um... (TODD SIGHS) Uh, if we were to short the euro, we could... Oh, come on, Todd. This is your wedding weekend. You are marrying a real workaholic. You do know that. Yeah, but isn't that what you want in a partner? Oh, she's good, this one. (LAUGHING) Oh, she's good. All right, all right. Uh, I haven't made that decision yet, but I love this kid. You lost your dad in that explosion, and... and I lost my son. I thought your son was a ski instructor in Vail. He's a pot-smoking bum! Not like you, Todd. Oh, no. You're the type of boy a father can be proud of. Yeah, we'll never know, will we? Who's that? Oh, I'm not here. That's, uh, Donny. Donny, come on. Say hi to everyone. Oh, God, hang on. Let me swing these free. Glad all the children saw that. JAMIE: Uh, Donny, this is Steve Spirou, Todd's boss. Wassup! Is that back? Because I've been dying for that to come back. Wassup! Yeah! That's my boy! Look at him! He ain't a tight-ass. Wassup! (LAUGHING) Wassup! Wassup! Wassup! Wassup! Wassup! Wassup! Wassup! (LAUGHING) What's up? Boo! That was terrible, Todd. So, I see the... the train coming, and something kind of like takes over me, you know? Here you go, Abigail. Thank you. And so, I decide to jump off the platform, right? Snaps my legs in two. (LADIES GASPING) What did I expect? It was a 25-foot drop, you know? So I grab Burrito Bandito over here, and I just roll him out of the way. The train missed our skulls by inches. Why would you do something like that, Todd? You know, I really don't know, Steve. I mean, why wouldn't you just buy another burrito? Yeah, no, I know. I, uh... I don't know what I could have been thinking. Maybe he was high on the hashish. (LAUGHTER) (SIGHS) Hey, how about I get you another beer, huh, Donny Boy? No! No, no. But, uh, Donny Boy has got to go to bed, though, right? ALL: Aw. Yeah, oh, fiddlesnatch. It's the afternoon. Remember you told me you wanted to get to bed early? Oh, okay. Yeah, no, no, no. Todd's right. MAN: Oh, my God. You're right, it is him. You're Donny Berger. It's him. Do you remember that kid who got his teacher pregnant in Somerville? Wait a minute, that is you. Donny Berger. Didn't you and your teacher have a kid? Wait a minute. What was his name? Indiana Jones, huh? It was something fantastic like that. Yeah, Han Solo Berger. Yeah, Han Solo, Han Solo. What ever happened to him? Uh, what happened to him? He, uh, actually became a dick. A private eye, I mean. Ah. One of the biggest and hairiest dicks in the world. Okay. Hey, look, this might seem weird, but do you think you would ever... Bone your wife? Yeah, I mean, I'd love to. She's a hot little number. Well, you know, I was just going to ask you for an autograph, but... Oh. Oh, I'm sorry On her tits or... Or a piece of paper would be fine. Yeah, or a photo. Okay, well, this has been fun. But, Donny... Uh, not to toot my own horn, but I got kind of close once. Uh, Mrs. Weiss, freshman geometry. And I think she would have done it, too. I just... I just didn't know how to make the move. You know what? I would have killed to bang my eighth grade biology teacher, Mrs. Cohn. I used to dream of... of dissecting her with my penis. (LAUGHING) It's so weird what goes on upstairs when you hit puberty. I actually stole my middle school librarian's glasses to wear while I masturbated. (ALL GASPING) What is that about? In my day, when I got into trouble, the headmaster would slap your hand with his dick. She wins. You know, Todd was working at the cubicle next to mine one year, when he met a pretty girl at the gym named Jamie. How many days is that, Todd? Computing, Steve. Beep boop beep boop beep. Ooh. (PEOPLE GASPING) It's actually 450. Oh, battle of the brainiacs! Yeah, this guy forgot about leap year, I guess. (LAUGHTER) WOMAN: He's smarter than Todd! Okay, we're talking a lot about numbers, but let's get back to love. What's the matter, hot stuff? Where do you think you get it from? Your mother was a math teacher, and I was pretty much a whiz kid myself. The ability to make a bong out of a Taco Bell cup doesn't make you a whiz kid, Donny. Leap year, motherfucker. I think it's kind of a magical moment. You know, Todd's oldest friend, Donny, miraculously appearing like this. What? So I am graciously going to step aside and allow Donny to take over as the best man. Give it up for Donny! Oh, no, no, no. (MUSIC PLAYS) Phil, you don't have to do that. No music. No, no, no, no. Kill the music. Phil, Phil, you... that's so nice of you, but you don't have to do that. Oh, I don't mind. You two are very close. We are. We are very close, but you and I are close, too. Well, we work together, but I wouldn't call us close. I mean, I was actually kind of surprised when you asked me to be your best man. Made me feel a little sorry for you. (LAUGHTER) That's true. He had no idea who he was. Ah, no... I accept. I do. I love it. It's an honor. MAN: Way to go, Donny! DONNY: Are you kidding me? You got Fenway Park in your backyard? Oh, I had that built when my son started Little League. He never used it. The little douche bag just sat in his room listening to reggae. Well, let's lose these ties and hit some dingers. What do you say? Come on! (EXCITED CHATTER) No, no, no. Please, don't let this be happening. Don't let this be happening, please. (PANTING) No sports. All right, guys, let's see what we got out there. Please don't hit it to me. Please don't hit it to me. Please don't hit it to me. (CHEERING) DONNY: Get under it, kid. WOMAN: Yeah! Oh. Moron. Here we go! Taking down two there! All right, Gerald, kid! Here we go, guy! Stay on it! Oh. my God! Grandma, what's up, honey? Are you awake, sweetheart? Here we go. Get under it! Get dirty! What the fuck? Got it. Nice catch, Mama! Let's let Todd-0 get this one, huh? Oh, no, that's okay. Todd, come on! No, no. Uh, hit one to that two-year-old. He hasn't gotten one yet. Here you go, big man. What? Quit showing off for the girls, buddy. They're mine. (DONNY LAUGHING) Come on, now. You got it. You got it. ALL: Oh! (LAUGHING) Okay, Todd, you all set, buddy? Don't hit it to me. Coming to you, homie. (GROANS) ALL: Oh! (THUDDING) Holy shit. (WHEEZING) Oh, my God. Are you all right, guy? (GROANING) Come on. You're fine. Throw it in there, guy. I think the ball's broken. Throw it in, Todd. Todd, throw the ball. Come on, Todd! Throw it, you big vagina. Do it. DONNY: Todd, we want to keep playing, buddy. We need a ball, kid. PHIL: Just throw it. JAMIE: Such a pussy. WOMAN: Oh! DONNY: Oh! On a rope! Holy fuck! ANNOUNCER ON TV: We now return to The Donny Berger Story, starring Ian Ziering. DONNY: (ON PHONE) Yo! Donny. I'm in a Jacuzzi. Hang on one sec. GIRLS: Yeah. Fucking... Here. Who'll take the cigar? Oh, no. Donny. Keep that lit for me. Take my fucking shades. 'Wear them if you want. Yeah! All right. So, hang on. GIRL 1: I want to wear them. I'll be back. GIRL 2: Oh. (GIRLS GASPING) (GIRLS GIGGLING) DONNY: All right. My goodness! Yeah, what's going on? Guess what's on TV? Hey, there, little buddy. I'm Mr. Mitty. I will always love you. What is that, The Donny Berger Story? CHAMPALE: Hell, yeah. Don't you get money every time that shit is shown? This could be your "get out of jail free" card. Last check I got for that was 85 cents. Is Han Solo gonna do the show at the women's prison with you? You know, I haven't discussed any particulars with him yet. I am actually just trying to be a dad right now. You're gonna go to prison on Tuesday. You have got to get that money somehow. Kenny, what the fuck? I thought this was a bathroom! Fuck you! Honk! Oh, nobody squeezes my titty for free, honey! Okay, good luck with that. JAMIE: God, you're such an idiot! Todd, you already messed up my flowers! TODD: I'm sorry. Just get the cake! No walnuts! No fucking excuses! I love you! Do you love me? (JAMIE GROANS) What? (SHOWER RUNNING) (KNOCK ON DOOR) "You screwed up my cake! "You screwed up my cake!" (CHUCKLES) TODD: What? It's me, it's me. Can I come in? Yeah, sure. What's up, buddy? What was she yelling at? What'd you do wrong? (LAUGHS) Oh, she's just stressed out 'cause of the wedding. Oh, really? You sure she's not stressed out about maybe sex or something? Have you, have you been going down on her? What? No, I'm just saying, a lot of times girls I've met over the years, when they've been ragging on me and yelling at me and shit, if I kiss their pussies they kind of go, "Ah, you're right, you're a good guy." Yeah, that's personal, Donny. Yeah, no, no. You know her better than me, fine. Mmm. So, uh... You wear a bathing suit in the shower? You know that's fucking nuts, right? Are you serious? I can't even take my shirt off in front of other people because of you. Because of me. What did I do this time? Oh, let me jog your memory. (LAUGHING LOUDLY) The New Kids on the Block! Holy shit! Their heads are all warped now! Oh. my God! Yeah, it's 'cause I got it when I was in third grade. My body grew. I'm sorry. It's fine, it's fine. Let me see it again. (LAUGHS) Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh You got a back tattoo Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh Their heads are fucking warped You suck. Come on, dude. Why you getting so serious? I still got the tattoo I got when I was, when I was a teenager, and I'm fine with it, you know. "De plane! "De plane! De plane!" Yeah, I remember it. I still don't know who that is. It's fucking... "De plane, de plane" guy from Fantasy Island. Tattoo. I got a tattoo of Tattoo. I thought that was funny. Well, it's not. Lighten up, dude. Come on. "De plane!" Don't. Donny, don't. I'm serious. "De plane!" No. You're still ticklish. No, I'm not ticklish! (LAUGHS) (BOTH LAUGHING) Come on, now! Oh, the tickle monster. Oh, I tickle you like that O. Stop! No, stop it! Watch yourself. (BOTH LAUGHING) Stop it! Stop it, no! Give me that, Hansie. Why is your dick in my face? And why is it kind of hard? What are you two homos doing? Just rasslin'. All right. 'Cause you're looking at an all-state fucking wrestling champion, and I got the winner. Okay. Well, he won. No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. You won. What? No, I didn't. You're gonna love it, buddy. Wrestle him. Yeah, Chad. No, no. It's actually a funny story. We were having a tickle fight. We weren't wrestling at all. I was losing, admittedly. DONNY: Aw, God, I got to start doing some crunches or something. Look at this. (BREATHES DEEPLY) Oh, you don't like him? Oh, we don't like you. (CHUCKLES) He's talking to his dick, buddy. (GRUNTS) Now he's hitting it. (GRUNTS) No! Why? (CHUCKLES) Oh! You got to puff that fucker up! Oh, what? No. You don't have to puff that fucker up. Let's do this. Chad, I'm sure you're very athletic... Okay! Okay! I tap out. You win, you win I tap out. Do you like fucking my sister, Todd? I mean, do you like sticking your dirty booger fingers in her? (BACK CRACKS) Whoa, what was that? Let's all just keep our heads, okay? We've all been drinking a lot tonight. I'm gonna skull-fuck you... (BOTTLE CLANKS) And that is the end of that. (CHUCKLES) (CLEARS THROAT) What, you're mad at me? How am I the fucking bad guy right now? Oh, you're gonna fucking give me shit with that tattoo on your back? (LAUGHS) Look at that stupid fucking thing. Good buddy, he'll be fine. Yeah, so we got Chad all tucked in, safe and sound. JAMIE: I never heard of him passing out drunk before. Yeah, it was crazy. It was like, one second, he was with us, totally awake. Next thing you know, he's face down, birds a-chirpin'. What do you think? (CHUCKLES) You look amazing. Oh, wait! Isn't it bad luck for me to see the dress before the wedding, though? This is a $12,000 Vera Wang dress. I'm gonna wear it whenever I want. You'd look hot in a $12 Wang Chung dress. That sounds like a line Donny would say. Yeah, except he'd say, "You'd look friggin' hot in a Wang Dang Sweet Poontang dress." Just think he's, like, trailer park-y or something you know? Yeah. That's probably why his son ran off. His what? What? Who? His son about... What'd he say? What did you hear? Did he say something? Just look at the first page of that book he's been handing out to everyone. He has? What? No. Head in the Class? He said, it's like Head of the Class, only with blowjobs. It's gross. Yeah, it's gross. Blowjobs are gross. We don't do those. "Dear Jamie, I know you'll make Todd very happy "if you bleach your little brown eye." Oh, no, not this part. Wow, that's sad. (SIGHS) That weirdly got me. (CHUCKLES) I don't know why it got me, but it just got me. (SIGHS) Can I get a hug right now, or... No, no, no, no! We can't wrinkle the dress. Hey, if you don't want to wrinkle the dress, may I suggest we just remove it? Did you take two Xanax? I actually took three Xanax. And you know that the Xanax makes me "H" to the "O" to the "R" To the "N" to the "Y" So horny for my fiancee No! Down. I don't want to have sex with my family in the house. No, I know. I don't want to have sex with your family, either. In the house. Came out weird. Possibly my last night of spanking the hell out of it without having a roommate watching me, so... What do we got to work with here? Rich people magazines. Eh, let's see what we got. If I hadn't partied with her husband so many times, I would. But it's disrespectful to him. I don't know. Hello. Jeezum crow, you really were a model, weren't you, Grandma? Yeah, old Mr. Woolworth really, really knew how to pick them, didn't he? I love that old-time bathing suit. I could take you to the speakeasy, and we could, we could do the naked Charleston. I have to ship out in the morning to fight the Nazis, so you better give me something to remember. (CHUCKLES) What's that? Oh, my God. Old lady Grandma wants to get in on the action, too. Should we let her? I think we should. (CHUCKLES) Oh, my God. (MOANS) Why do I like her better right now? Oh, you bad... (GROANS) What have you done to me? What have you done to me? (LAUGHS) We got to go for round two, but give me a little bit of time. Give me a little bit of time. Oh, lovely. Just lovely. Oh, goodness. Oh, my word. TODD: Best man, wedding rehearsal in an hour. There's so many tissues. Oh... Oh, oh! Oh, God. You know, don't touch those, okay? Let's... (GROANS) Okay. I'm gonna just clean that up. Yeah, Donny's sick. You don't want to touch these 'cause you'll get sick. He's got post-nasal drip, so... (GRUNTING) (SOBBING) (RETCHES) The tissue's stuck to my picture. Here, let me. Yuck! (GROANS) I'll grab that from you. I got it. Oh, look at that! There's a little tissue beard there. No, don't touch it, please. Don't worry about it. Oh, that poor dear. I'll just get him some nice, fresh juice. Mmm-hmm. Juice. That's a great idea. Thank you, Grandma D. Thanks. You know, hon, if he's really under the weather, maybe it's best if he doesn't masturbate so much. That's good advice. I'll tell him that, thank you. Okay, you can stop pretending to sleep, Sir Jizz-a-lot. The old broad knew I was whacking to her the whole time, didn't she? (LAUGHS) That's so funny. But your improve were awesome "Post-nasal dick," or whatever you said. You know, I can't believe your balls produce that much stuff. Dude, at least I got balls. What's that supposed to mean? (LAUGHS) Let me just crack open some happiness first, yeah. All I'm saying is the Chad thing, when that dude came at you last night, you kind of, like, looked like a deer in headlights. (WATER RUNNING) Your whole aura is actually that of a pussy. Or a kiss-ass. It is not. It is, too. What the fuck am I doing? No, I'm just saying you got to stand up for yourself every once in awhile, buddy, or she's never gonna bang you. I'll have you know, she bangs me all the time. All right? She bangs. Does she live the la vida loca, too, or... Very funny. (WOMEN SQUEALING) Well, good day, everyone. GERALD: Father. Father McNally, thank you so much for coming out to the Cape. My honor. Very cool. Oh, yes. Chad. You'll excuse me, won't you? While you're in this church, you'll show the proper respect. No e-mailing, no texting, no Facebooking, no Skyping and no Angry Birds. (CHUCKLES) Oh, that one hurts. (LAUGHTER) No, no. I get it. It's the 2010s. Everyone's having sex and drinking lattes. No, Father. (CHUCKLES) But, you see, this is my world. We'll abide by my rules while we're here. Maybe we should start with the, uh, the father of the groom. Oh, uh, uh... his father passed away. He died in an explosion. Sounds fishy, but... it really happened. Yep. I'm... I'm truly sorry to hear that, son. Oh, thank you, but, uh, it's fine. He deserved it. So... What is that supposed to mean? Oh, I didn't mean anything by it. He just, you know, wasn't a great dad. So your father, he... he abused you, did he? Oh, no, nothing like that. Was he a murderer? Rapist? No. Father, I'm sorry, I... My father beat me every day with a rake. But you don't hear me smack-talking him like some baby little princess. Not here in the house of the Lord. You know, I can't hear a word you're saying. All I can focus on is your shit breath. I'd, um, I'd like to show you the garden for a minute. (CHUCKLING) Oh... Now, then. Okay, you know what? Let's just... (PEOPLE GASP) (LAUGHS) (PEOPLE MURMURING) Fucking old guy's got a cannon on him. What happened? DONNY: What happened is I think he's having a mini-meltdown. Yeah, he's taking his shirt off now. Oh, my God. And, he's pretty ripped for an old fuck, so we're in trouble right now. What is going on here? All right, all right. Go time, go time. PHIL: Oh, no, think about what you're doing! Be careful. (SCREAMS) He bit me! Did you see that? That was amazing! This could get ugly. The Father actually killed a guy in the ring. That's why he became a priest. Oh. Just keep your hands up, kid! Get 'em down! Hang in there, guy! (GRUNTING) He keeps punching him! Aw, come on, guy. Oh. That's my boy! Why, you came right back with your own shit. Nice, kid. (SPEAKING IN TONGUES) What the fuck is that? Okay, he's going to a whole other place right now. (SHOUTING IN TONGUES) You know what? Maybe just run. Get the fuck out of here Go, 90, 90, 90, 90- No. I'm not gonna run. Finish him, Father McNally! Finish him! (HEAVY METAL PLAYING) Here we go... (BOTTLE CLANKS) (PEOPLE GASP) Geez. He went down like a sack of potatoes, huh? (PEOPLE CHATTERING ANGRILY) What is the matter with you? You know, we've known Father McNally for 30 years. I ought to rip off your head! (CLAMORING) (BARKING) DONNY: Gerald! I'm sorry. Sorry's not gonna keep you from burning in hell, Todd. Hey, this is all my fault. I shouldn't have hit the guy with the bottle. I'm, like, a moron over here. No, now, Donny, I will not let you take the blame for this. You had to do it. You saved his life again. And you looked very sexy doing it. Why was the sound of that bottle so familiar? Todd is such a loser. (PEOPLE MURMURING) Here comes your girl. Here we go. Jame, I'm sorry, but, look, you got to admit, I stood up for myself back there. Do you have fucking rocks in your head, Todd? No. Well, where are we gonna get married now? We got kicked out of the church! Jame... What is everybody's problem? You were awesome out there. You kicked ass. You should be proud of yourself. Proud of myself? For what? I got my ass kicked, and everyone's pissed off at me. And, by the way, thanks for the fatherly advice, guy. That's the last time I listen to you. Aw... (PEOPLE CHATTERING ANGRILY) CHAD: I'm gonna choke him out! He's an asshole! I'm gonna choke him out. I'm just gonna choke him out. Hey, guys, guys? Can I just say something before we all turn on Todd? Churches freak the kid out, ever since his father's funeral. After the explosion all that was left of his dad was, like, a kneecap and a little bit of nut sack. (WOMEN COO SYMPATHETICALLY) It was supposed to be a closed casket, but there was a foul-up at the mortuary, and he actually saw a squirrel run into the coffin and, uh, kind of... squeak out of there with his dad's ball bag in his mouth. You know, that's gonna fuck any of us up, so... (GROANS) Aw... So you actually knew Todd's father? Of course I knew the guy. He was, uh, he was handsome, he had fucking great hair, uh, a Jedi with the chicks. Went down on girls for a wicked long time 'cause he was a giver and he wanted to see others be happy. Oh, I wish I could have met him. Sounds like a gentleman. Was he there enough for the kid? No, maybe not. But, uh, y-you know, he probably felt bad about it. You know, and there's nothing he can do about it now, so, uh... Toddsy. Oh, Todd. I had no idea. (SIGHS) Poor thing. Are you okay? Yeah, yeah. It's fine, but sometimes I do still have nightmares. Oh, boy. That squirrel and its demonic eyes. Tiny piece of skin flapping in its mouth. One lone scraggly hair. A pubic hair. I mean, maybe this is a blessing, though, guys. Do we really want Father McNutty to be the one who brings these two guys together? I mean, I don't think so. I'm pretty tied into the church crowd, Rageaholics Anonymous and whatnot. I could find a priest for you. I mean, what type are we looking for? Maybe a younger guy. Younger guy. How about a black guy? Oh. Now, I like that. It's very urban, very street. GERALD: Okay. But that still doesn't get us a church. Well, I'll tell you where I would tie the knot if I was these two sexy kids. (NOTHING BUT THE BEST PLAYING) I like to eat lobster Directly from Maine Oh, Donny, this is just such a great idea. Thanks. Don't you love the pergola? They're gorgeous! You know what, maybe a little more girly shit up on the arch. Oh, you know, you're right. Excuse me, sir, put some more girly shit up there. Calling all ladies! The bus for the bachelorette party is here! Come on! Honey, you guys have fun at the bachelor party! Okay. Don't get too crazy. Know your limits. Okay. We're having a bachelor party? That's, like, my thing, man. Hookers, blow, balloons filled with piss. I mean, the sky's the limit, kid. No, no, no. Donny, uh, w-we're all set. I have arranged a very special evening for us tonight. (LAUGHS) This is gonna be awesome! (YELLS) PHIL: I read about this place in Oprah's magazine. I don't know if she writes the articles herself, but there's some real good stuff in it. Uh, hi, we're for the Todd Peterson party, please. Good evening, gentlemen. Ah, Mrs. Ravensdale. RAVENSDALE: Phil, what a blessing. Welcome to your bachelor party package here at He Time Spa For Men. Woo-hoo, motherfucker! Okay. All right. (LAUGHS) We're gonna set you up with some nice plush robes, and then we have a wonderful full evening planned with massage, facial and nail treatments, and then we're going to send you home with a special gift of our house-made lavender scrub. Uh, Confucius say, "What the fuck are you talking about?" No, Donny, uh, Phil thought it would be nice before the wedding for us to all take a little time to just chill and mellow. My wife and I have been burning it on both ends all week with the preschool applications, and I am ready to be pampered! (MEN CHUCKLE) All right, all right. Now we're talking. Hey, thanks, honey. What the fuck's your name? Jessica. All right. Yeah. Hey, come on. Here's to the kid. He's fucking getting all fucked up, ah, tonight! Last night! Fucking last night of poontang for this kid. What the fuck is this? It's water infused with cucumber, rose petal and harvest sandalwood. It tastes like fucking dick infused with balls. And a side of fucking Rod Stewart's jizz. Wait a minute. What are we drinking water at a fucking bachelor party for, Phil? You got to show my son your tits later. Promise me. Promise me. That's... that's nice. Yeah, good. This is great, sweetheart. Really good. Nice work. You're going deep on us, huh? That's it. What's this, sir? Oh, that's just a little, uh... (CHUCKLES) Tip, you know, if you give me a full package. Oh, okay. That's a $150 additional charge. You're talking to the wrong guy. That's a little out of my price range. It includes scalp treatment, reflexology. How much is it to tickle my pickle? To yank my crank? To give me a ho-jo to go? Sweetheart, I'm not asking for a finger up the ass. I just want you to just jerk it a little bit. Donny, this isn't a brothel. Then I'm completely confused what the fuck we're doing here right now! So, what, you're just going to get a hand job in front of all of us? I don't know. Am I? I guess not! You know, I have worked very hard on this night, Don, and you're being just plain rude. Phil, no! Phil! No, no. Don't do this. (MEN SIGHING) Nice. That's nice. Oh, that's good. That's good. (CHUCKLES) It tickles. Just fight through it, man. It's worth it. If you stop, I swear I will kill you. You know what, if I don't see a tit in five minutes, I'm going to strangle this motherfucker. You should be ashamed of yourself for fucking arranging this bullshit! Well, I feel very relaxed, and I think this was a good use of a Groupon. You fucked us, buddy! Five more minutes till you get to choose amongst four artisanal house-blended chocolates, gentlemen. PHIL: Oh... (LAUGHTER) We can't let tonight end like this, boys. We got to go out. I'm telling you, I can't let my son have a... my son of a gun best friend have his bachelor party be this. You fucking... you guys got your face covered in leprechaun shit. We should be getting whacked off... all of us... as a fucking team! Donny, I think we've had enough excitement for one night. Besides, it's not like you can throw together a whole other party this late. I could have six chicks making out with each other on our laps in ten minutes. I could stay out a little later. Bam! (IN SING-SONG TONE) We gonna get our dicks sucked. There it is. (LAUGHTER) Unless, uh, Mrs. Ravensdale, you want to whip them knockers out? We'd love to see them. All right, you know what? You are an imbecilic, immature, asinine, childish, caveman-like, hairy-knuckled, single-chromosomal, obnoxious, uneducated, ignorant asshole who I would like to fuck hard and long! So, I'm going to go put a dent in that. You guys get that green jizz off your face. I'll be back in 20. We're going out, boys! Hey, this is the shit, this place... I'm telling you. The hottest chicks, the best Denver omelets. You have to eat one. All right. Donny! Yeah, this is who I was telling you about! What's up? Give me that. I'm so happy to see you. You look so fucking cute! I know, right? Oh, and you brought a military man. What's your name, soldier? Chad Martin, private first class, United States Marine Corps. You think you can keep that dick at attention for a couple hours? (LAUGHS) That's an order! Already on it. (LAUGHS) Look at my man! PHIL: You guys, let me get in here and introduce myself. Hello. I'm Phil. I'm married with four children, and I have actually only seen three vaginae in my entire life: my wife's, my baby's and my aunt's once by accident on the back of a tandem bike. Well, here's number four, baby! Oh! I'm going to count that as numbers four and five. (LAUGHTER) (GIRLS ON THE DANCE FLOOR PLAYING) I see you chillin by the bar DJ: Champale would like to dedicate this to Mr. Todd Peterson. (CROWD CHEERING) Yeah, baby. Yeah. Here you go. Oh. Oh, hey. Do you want any eggs? Oh, no. I really have to watch what I eat. No fatty foods. But thank you. I'm Brie. I'm Todd. Nice to meet you. Oh, I know who you are, Han Solo. Oh. Uh, no, you can't... Don't worry, your secret's safe. (ANXIOUS LAUGH) Hey, girl', what you know about these stereotypes? Yeah, yeah I-I take a shot of Patron Two shots, then it's on Three shot, four shot, five shot Oh, shit, I think I'm gone If you're looking for me, I'm with the Girls on the dance floor How easy to see I'm with the Girls on the dance floor You know I Jove it when the Girls on the dance floor That's why this one is for the Girls on the dance floor Who did that? And I'm good to go Got the hood feeling so remarkable When the clock hits 4:00, I'm out the door So get your ass on the oor Get your ass on the oor Get your ass on the oor Oh, you don't hear me though? Get your ass on the floor, yeah If you're looking for me I'm with the Girls on the dance floor How easy to see I'm with the Girls on the dance floor You know I love it when the... (CROWD CHEERING) (MEN LAUGHING) Gerald, get in the car. I love you, Donny! Yeah, I love you. Get in there. Man, you got to give me the recipe, man. Can't buy everything, Spirou! Bro, but they use olive oil, not butter. That's the big secret. Okay, Chris, get him in there. Be gentle, he... he's protecting our country. All right, good night, guys! (LAUGHS) Gerald, you're a sick man, buddy! Whoa. (GERALD LAUGHING) Hey, what... Where's everybody going? I sent them home, guy. I thought, uh, we could have a little, uh, best man/groom alone time. Oh. But shouldn't I go with them? 'Cause Jamie's gonna get mad at me. Wha... Easy, guy. You're gonna have plenty of time for her to be mad at you when you're married. (LAUGHS) I got you a wedding gift and I want to give it to you alone, all right? You got me a gift? Of course I got you. And I think, uh, think you might dig it. An earring. Yeah, I know, but, uh, that's an earring that your mom gave me, and I thought maybe we could keep it in the family, you know? Just kind of keep it going, generation to generation, actually. Oh. Yeah, but I don't have a pierced ear, Donny. Yeah. No. Yeah. All right, fuck it, fuck it. Do it, just do it. It's not gonna hurt, buddy. Y-You got a nice buzz going. Yeah, I got it, I got it. Hang on. (SIGHS) Oh, yeah. L-Liquor it up. Oh, fuck! (SQUEALS) Come here. Come here. (SCREAMING) Hang in there! Go ahead, just sit still, homie. (SCREAMING) Yeah! (GROANS) How we doing? (GROANING) Oh, God. That's it. That's the way to man up. That wasn't so bad. Let me see it. Am I bleeding? I don't think so. No? Does it look good? You look like you could be playing drums for Foreigner or some shit. You look like a bad-ass. Really? Yeah. Oh, 'cause it makes me feel kind of... (BREATHES DEEPLY) ...dangerous. (LAUGHS) There he is, man! That's your personality... like when you were seven years old, me and Uncle Vanny used to laugh our asses off from you. Uncle Vanny, that's right. What happened to that guy? Dude, you know what it's time for? To get you back together with the old gang. Come on. I just hope the guy will talk to me. Phil! Come on, you're gonna get arrested, buddy. (SOBBING) I shouldn't be doing this. No, don't stop, don't stop. (CLEARS THROAT) All right, look. I came here to tell you I'm sorry about what happened with me and your mother. It was an accident, and it will never happen again. That's all I've been waiting for all these years, man, a simple apology. It's water under the bridge. Don't sweat it. Holla. Wait, are you Vanilla Ice? Was Uncle Vanny Vanilla Ice this whole time? Who did you think I was? I don't know, a friend of my dad's that wore a lot of parachute pants? (LAUGHTER) Oh, man. I want to be honest with you, too. I never did knock boots with your mother. No? No. I think she whacked me off outside the pants. (SIGHS) No. But I didn't finish. Vanny, I didn't finish. I couldn't. Yeah? Oh, Mom. Yeah. You know, she did like to fuck. (LAUGHTER) That's fucking... Look at him. Back to it. Fuck, yeah. Hey, Han Solo, you're looking great, man. Oh, thank you. You lost some weight. Is this kid all right? You're not a little fat kid no more. No, no, no. Remember this one? No, no. Oh, yeah, we used to do this to you all the time. Remember, back in the day? Hey, nugget pocket. Nugget pockets. No, I'm not a nugget pocket. What's up, nugget pocket? No. (LAUGHS) No, but seriously, Iceberg, me and my boy got a little head start on you, but, uh, you got any desire to get wasted with us? Ah, more than life itself. In fact, I might have a little head start on you guys. (LAUGHS) What? Ah! (INHALES) Yeah. It's so illegal. I don't want to do that in front of my kid. Turn around for a minute. Just turn around. (LAUGHS) Give me that fucking shit. (INHALES) What? Hey, let's get out of here. I did not do that. Let's go have some fun. Hey! Hey, where you think you're going, Mr. Vanilla Ice Cream? I'm going out for the night, man. Aw, hell no, man! You know I don't know how to fry no damn chicken nuggets! It's Todd Bridges. Yeah, yeah, w-watch this. What you talking 'bout, Willis? You come back and say that to my face, you fake white rapping motherfucker! Todd, seriously, though, you look great. How's Mr. Drummond doing, huh? (LAUGHTER) Mister... Fuck you! "Mr. Drummond. Mister..." Man, I... What you want? Bowl of chili nuggets. A what? You know, that shit ain't on the menu, man! Shit, it is. Damn it. DONNY: Fucking skate! Just fucking skate! TODD: The Berger boys are here! DONNY: Come on, look out! Look out, now! What the fuck? (DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY PLAYING) Have you seen her? So fine and pretty Hey! Give me my hat back! (LAUGHING) Do it, do it! Give it back! Yes, it's love in the third degree DONNY: Hey, it's a fucking lovely night, ain't it? Oh. my God! (LAUGHING) You fucking assholes! (GRUNTING) (CLAMORING) Ooh, baby, baby Go, go! (GROANS) What the... Go! Go, go, go! What the fuck? Get out of here! (GUNSHOT) Holy shit! You know, they seem like fun guys. We're all gonna dive! Let's go! (LAUGHING) MAN: What are you doing? She's on fire 'Cause dancing gets her higher (LAUGHING) Oh. my God! I didn't, I didn't spill my beer! I fucking love it. (CLAMORING) Fuck! You fucking hard-ons! (TIRES SCREECH) (HORN HONKS) (GUNFIRE) (CLAMORING) (MEN SIGHING) 'Cause you're old enough to dance Dance the night away "You fucking hard-ons." 'Whoa! (LAUGHS) Oh, come on, baby Dance the night away (MEN LAUGHING) Fucking... What are you doing? No, no, no, no! (PEOPLE SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) You don't fucking do that, you fucking idiot! Yeah! Look at this, fuck face. Look at this. What the fuck? Come on. (LAUGHS) You fucking guy. I say, take it. I can't. Just go, go, go, go, go. No, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop. I changed my mind. I'm scared. I don't want to do it. Oh, man. I can't do it. You're rubbing your underwear. What is that? Why are you doing that? I suppose I'm the reason. Yeah. Yeah. Remember in first grade when you were supposed to pick me up after school, you left me waiting for five hours? I had detention myself, guy. What the fuck was I supposed to do? Yeah, well, I shit in my pants. All right. Then I had to walk all the way home alone. All right. With shit in my pants. Dude, I promise you, I'll never forget you again. I swear to God. Throw the fucking things away. Don't fuck with me. Throw them away. (CHANTING) Throw them away Throw them away. Get rid of the fucking underwear, you don't need that. You're better than that, guy. Okay, fuck it. Okay, fuck it. Squeeze it out and fucking... Yeah. (LAUGHTER) You're a good kid. Come on, fucking hit this thing and let's get it rocking. All right. All right? Here we go. Come on. Push, push. I got you. Okay. I'm not good at it. All right. It's balance, it's just balance. You got this, kid. You're an athlete. You got it. No, it's in you, buddy. Straight. I don't know how. I got you. I ain't gonna let you fall. Don't let me go. I won't let you fall. Don't let go. All right, I'm still with you. Okay. I'm still with you. Let's pick up some speed, though. I'm with you, guy. I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm not letting go. Don't let me go. I'm not letting go. I'm with you, my boy. Wait... I'm with you, my boy! Yeah, that's all you! I'm doing it! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, baby! I'm doing it! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Are you... (COUGHS) Kid, are you... Are you all right, buddy? Sorry. Dude, I'm trying to make love to my wife! Oh! What the fuck? TODD: No! Fucking naked people. I'm gonna fucking kill you! TODD: Oh, my God, they're chasing me! What the fuck? Get off him! Go! Oh, my God! Look out! Go! (SCREAMING) DONNY: Keep going, guy! Donny! (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Yeah! You're the best. You are, Jay. TODD: Good luck! I like your fucking hairdo! Good luck with the taxi business! Love that guy. Classic. Classic. (LAUGHS) Classic. It's a classic night. No way! Party's not over! Come on! (BOTH LAUGH) Dude, Uncle Vanny's fucked up. I love you, Son. I do. I've always loved you, all right? Sorry to spring that on you like that. It's all right. It's cool, Donny. That's nice, thank you. Hansie, Hansie. Why don't you not call me Donny when no one's around. You can call me Dad. Uh, yeah, I know, I know. It's... I don't know if I'm ready for that, Donny. You know? Yeah, yeah. No prob. Sorry. Sorry if you fucking don't like me. I probably would've fucked my teacher, too. (BOTH CHUCKLE) Yeah. But, uh... (CLEARS THROAT) (SIGHS) Eh, so, what time are we gonna go to the prison tomorrow? Wait, you'll go to the prison? Yeah, I'll go. No.No, no,no, no,no That... That's... They canceled that. That's... I talked to the warden, and he says that your mother was just pulling our leg. She's only got the chicken pox. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. She said she was dying because they give you better food if you're wicked sick like that, like Beefaroni or microwave pizza or some shit, so... That just made me hungry. Well, check your pockets. (CHUCKLES) Oh! (LAUGHS) A treasure! Come on, eat it. Oh, no, it's nasty. Come on, I'm telling you. Fucking Todd Bridges worked hard on that thing. Yeah. You like that. Pretty good. Woo-hoo! Look at me, I'm a fountain! (LAUGHS) Throw a penny in here! Make a wish, motherfucker! (SIGHS) (DOOR OPENS) Oh, what the fu... Grandma D, what's going on? What are you doing here? Well, you've had the fantasy, so now it's time that you try the real thing. (CHUCKLES) Oh! No, no, no, I can't do that. I'm sorry. I appreciate the offer. Oh, no, no, no, don't. I can't. Don't you... I-I shouldn't. (BETTE DAVIS EYES PLAYING) Oh, God. You got the old-timey bathing suit on. Okay, I'm in. I'm going to ride you like a Model T. (WHISPERING) Yeah. Shh! (SIGHS) Jamie. You're wearing your dress again. You look beautiful. I want you so bad. Be nice to me. Make me feel good. (GRUNTING) All right, all right. Okay, okay, okay, okay. (GASPING) Oh, oh, oh. (SNORING) (BIRDS CHIRPING) JAMIE: Oh, my God! Help me! (SCREAMS) What happened? Are you okay? Do I sound okay? You puked all over my wedding dress! Prepare to get fucked up, motherfuckers! (GROANS) Sorry, I, uh, I heard you scream. I thought Jamie was getting murdered, so I was gonna fucking smack someone around. What happened? Oh, I don't know! I just found my wedding dress covered in barf! And something else, something sticky. (SNIFFING) It's jizz. You puked on my dress and then fucked it! (LAUGHS) You're a madman... No, no, no, no. No. Sweetheart, it wasn't my boy. You shut up. Donny, just shut up! Who wants a piece of this, huh? (SCREAMING) Who wants a piece? Whoa, no, no, no! It's okay, buddy. Todd just fucked the dress. It's under control. Oh. What is Vanilla Ice doing in our room? He's, um... My other best friend. Yeah. And a wicked good rapper. Give it up for him. Come on, now. Let's give it up. DONNY: My boy. I don't know what's going on here, but I don't have time to deal with this, so... (CLEARS THROAT) Okay, this is what's gonna happen. I'm gonna go take a shower. I'm gonna go to Pilates. You're gonna take that dress to the dry cleaners! And then we're gonna have rehearsal dinner tonight, and you're gonna be the normal Todd from three days ago, right? Mmm-hmm. And you can start by taking out that stupid Duran Duran earring! I was thinking it's more Foreigner. No? No, no, Duran Duran's a good call, though. (DOOR SLAMS) Uh, guess I'm gonna go finish up with Grandma Delores. Yeah. Is that all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have fun, buddy. Have fun. Not too much, though. Don't hurt her. No, no. I get it right and keep it tight. (CHUCKLES) Okay. (SIGHS) Look, I-I need a couple hours to fix this. Oh, hey, we've all been in that situation, and you'll be fine, kid. I'll whip up some pancakes for everyone else, all right? All right. I love it. You jizzed on a mannequin. Respect it. But you were only 13. She took advantage of you. No, all right. That's what the law says, Su-Jin, but I don't know... We were kind of like soul mates. You know, there was... There was a connection there. I never had it with anyone else. (PASSIONATE MOANING RING TONE PLAYING) I'm getting a call. I'm sorry, guys- Do not touch these plates. I'm cleaning them. Okay, Su-Jin? Go for Donny B. TODD: Wassup! Oh, hey, big man. What's going on? How'd it go with the lady? You patch things up? Yeah, pretty much. It was amazing. The dry cleaner said they've, uh, definitely seen that combo of fluid before. You see? Yeah, those things go together like gin and tonic. Hey, uh, listen, while I got you, I left you a little best man gift on your dresser. I think you'll get a kick out of it. You did not. Oh, my God. My whole body, like, got a shocked feeling over that. Buddy, no one gets me a gift. Where are you, anyways? Oh, I'm in the car. I decided to go see Mom after all. You did what? Oh, my God. Dukes of Hazzard! (GRUNTS) (TIRES SQUEALING) Hansie. Donny, what are you doing here? We got to get out of here now. What? What are you talking about? It's your wedding weekend, dude. You come here after the wedding. You show your mother your new ring. That would make her happy. Wait, are you nervous to see her? Hansie, can we just blow this place off and have a beer, please? I'm begging you. Look. Is that her? (I WAS MADE FOR LOVING YOU PLAYING) Mmm, yeah !-fa Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh... Oh, my God. There you are. My little Hansie, you're all grown up. Hi, Mom. I didn't know if I'd ever see you again. I know. I'm sorry I stopped visiting. It just got too hard. Oh, no, I totally understand. Wow. You still have my eyes. (CHUCKLES) Is that the earring that I gave you after the Loverboy concert? Yes, it is, Miss McGarricle. You know, I think about you every day. Fuck, I love you so much, Miss McGarricle. I never stopped. Oh... Oh, I love you, too. Do you remember... Oh, God, here we go. ...all the nasty things that I taught you, Donny? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I do, Miss McGarricle. Are you still my dirty boy? Yeah, I'm the dirtiest boy you'll ever know, Miss McGarricle. Donny. Oh, fuck, yeah. Mmm. Oh. Uh-huh. I'm hard right now. I'm hard. Okay. Yeah, I'm hating that, so... But it is really good to see you, Mom. I... It's good to see you, too, baby. Can you describe what you're feeling right now, Han? TV's Randall Morgan? What are you doing here? Must be quite emotional for you to be face-to-face with the woman who molested your father, isn't it? What is going on right now? Who is this dude? Listen, before you get mad at me... This is why you came to see me? For some reality TV ambush? No. How much they paying you, Donny? Nothing, I swear to God. I'm not getting... $50,000 to deliver you to this prison. All right, it was 50 grand, but I'm not... I'm not... I'm not going to do it. I swear to God. I'm not... I would never take his money. Donny Berger, what have you done? Hansie, dude, it's me. It's the guy from last night. We had fun. Don't... Don't fuck it. I'm telling you, this is... This is something that can be fixed. You're unreal. Hansie. What... You go after him, Donny, and you take care of our son. Hansie. (RANDALL LAUGHING) Come on, he is pissed. Fuck! Take care of our baby, Donny! DONNY: Hansie! Hansie, please, let me explain to you... I can't believe I let you back into my life again. Guy, guy, just come on. Listen to me. I owe the IRS a lot of money. Of course you do. I know, I know. I'm a fuck-up. But if I don't give them 43 G's by Tuesday, I'm going to prison. Wait, so you're telling me, if I give you 43 grand, you don't have to go to jail? I will pay you back, I swear to God. Would you... Would you loan me the money? No! Fuck you! Get your shit out of my boss's house! Okay! (TASER ZAPPING) No! Don't do that. That's my boy there. (FARTING) Oh... Oh, no. I think he just shit his pants. Tell me you got that on camera. You made me throw out my extra underwear! I'm sorry. I didn't know you were going to shit yourself again. That was awesome. (LAUGHING) That was awesome. Donny, couldn't have gone any better. Loved it. You know what I need from you, Todd, is I need you to sign the release form right... Fuck you! Get away from me! Get those cameras off me! I hate you... Dad. DONNY: Hansie! I can't pay you a dime unless I got a release form. Fuck. Did I get any shit on me? (ENGINE SPUTTERING) (UNSATISFIED PLAYING) Let me off here. Let me off. Let me get off. I'll fucking run up. Keep it running. I got to pick my shit up. Look me in the eye Then tell me that I'm satisfied Was you satisfied? Look me in the eye... (LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE) JAMIE: Oh, you're so adorable. No, I know, but I told you not to call me on this line. What if Todd picks up? No, no, no, I... I want to. No, Steve. Todd doesn't know anything. I don't care if he finds out after the wedding. There's nothing he can do about it then anyway. Oh, you're so sweet. Steve, huh? Well, Steve Spirou, I'm going to fuck you up. I'm going to fuck you up! STEVE: Well, I got some great news. I've made my decision on who my new partner is. Phil! (GASPS) Phil, I knew you could do it. STEVE: (LAUGHING) Look at Phil's face. I'm just busting your balls, Phil. No, I'd never pick you. Oh, no. It's you, Todd. Partners. (GASPING) Oh. Partner. Oh, my gosh. It's going to be a lot more hours and a lot more responsibility. You know that, right? And... a lot more money! (LAUGHING) STEVE: Oh! Somebody's going shopping! Yeah! (STEVE SIGHS) I thought he left. Yeah, that's what you wish, Steve. I need to talk to you, homeboy. Yeah. Hey, Jamie. Listen. Listen. Dude, this is not about you and me, all right? You're not marrying the right girl. She is cheating on you. You are unbelievable. Can't you just let it go? This is my last chance to be normal. Are you determined to ruin my life? Honey, what's going on? Nothing. Don't "honey" him, you little snake in the grass. I heard your phone call. "Oh, Steve, why'd you call on this line? "Todd could have picked up." That's right, sonny boy. Your wife-to-be's fucking your boss. Right there. Fuck you, buddy. You are an idiot! Is that right, sweetheart? Yes, it is. Yeah, yeah. Why? I was on the phone with Steve. Aha! Steve Goldstein, the Boston Herald wedding reporter. Yeah, he's doing a piece on the most beautiful places to get married, and I didn't want Todd to know because he doesn't like being in the paper. So, I am sorry that I wanted everyone in the world to know I married the perfect guy. Honey, do you think you can forgive me for keeping such a big secret from you? Okay, uh, due to this newfound evidence, the conclusion might be that I'm an asshole. Bye. Fine. Have a good wedding. I'll leave with pride. I'm a good person. Bye! I'll see you tomorrow! (HOLLERING) (JAMIE SIGHS) TODD: Wow, what a stressful day, huh? Can't wait to get back to the beach house. Oh, thank you. Bye. Just the two of us, you know? Oh, no, honey. I'm staying in the city tonight, remember? What? No. Yeah, the bride and groom, they're supposed to sleep separate night before the wedding. So see you tomorrow, big guy. I'm going to drop Jamie at the Fairmont Copley. Mom and Dad, you guys got the hedgehog. Okay! Love you. CHAD: Watch the door. Love you. Ow. Okay. Sleep well. Wait, but don't they not have a car? (EXHALING SHARPLY) All right, Donny, go. There's your chance. Go. I ain't got no more chances, buddy. The kid hates my guts. Right? 'Cause you guys don't have a car. I'm not talking about him, Donny. Wake up, man. What? Jamie's the gatekeeper for your son. Yeah? Win her over, then she'll convince Han to give you another chance. Boom! How am I ever going to get her trust? She freaking hates me. Donny, you want to know what all women love? Ice cream. (ICE CREAM MAN PLAYING) Dedicate one to the ladies Now, summertime's here, babe Need something to keep you cool... Hi. I'm Todd Peterson. No, you're not. You're Donny Berger. You fucked your teacher in the seventh grade. Better look out now, though Dave's got something for you... Hi. I'm Todd Peterson. Hi, Mr. Peterson. What can I do for you? What room was my fiancee in again? Let me check. 641. You're a fucking stud. Stop me when I'm passing by... Hey, when the legendary Donny Berger comes in here using a fake name, you go with it! All right, I will. Hold on a second, baby I got good lemonade, ah, Dixie cups All right, come on, sweetheart. (THUD) JAMIE: Oh, yeah! Oh! Oh! What, did Todd come out here? You're half the size of Todd, but you use it so much better! I guess not. Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Oh. my God! Oh, my God. Oh, fucking shit! Fucking shit. Fucking shit! Fucking shit. Yeah. Okay. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. (HORNS HONKING) (CAP CLINKING) (GRUNTS) Okay. (JAMIE SQUEALING) Yeah! (LAUGHS) You do not deserve these treats. (MOANING) Are you finished, sweetheart? (SCREAMS) Oh, my God. (CHUCKLES) Your fiance's at home, you know. This really gets me upset. You know why? 'Cause he's too good for you. He is. And you're sitting here gallivanting with... I think I know who. Don't I, Mr. Steve Goldstein? Wait. Are you... What am I seeing? No... It, uh... Uh... With each other? Am I... This is... (GRUNTS) Is he your stepbrother at least or, uh, adopted or something? No reply- So it's real. Oh, my God. (GAGS) Uh, Donny, Donny, you don't... You don't understand what's going on here. I don't think Charlie Sheen would understand what's going on here. Look, I love Todd, and we're going to get married, and we're going to have a great life together. And yes, I've had sex with Chad from time to time. (GAGGING) It's what good-looking people do. They have sex with other good-looking people. You know? Just so happens that this one particular good-looking person is my little brother. Oh, okay. It's all making sense to me now. (RETCHES) I know that sounded bad, but, Donny, this was going to be the last time. I would never carry on with a married woman. I've got better morals than that, Donny. Chad, adultery is bad... Mmm-hmm. ...but incest is fucked up! Oh... Oh, please don't let him tell Mommy about our secret tickle time. Secret tickle time? You got a name for it? (GAGS) And with a United States military man, no less. You are a disgrace to that uniform! No, he's not a Marine. He buys those uniforms on eBay so Dad doesn't find out he's a modern jazz dancer. What? That's possibly worse than the incest thing. This is an abomination. I'm telling Todd. No, he won't believe you. Yeah, he will. No, he bought that Steve Goldstein story. Come on, you think he got that partnership on his own? With that "beep boop beep" shit? No, I gave him a boost. How many people have you fucked? Well, maybe... he'll believe this. (CAMERA CLICKS) Nice. Save. (GAS PS) You two have fun together. Sickies. JAMIE: All right, how much? I'm going to be a very rich woman. I can write you a big fat check. What's it going to take for this to go away? Todd has to pop a Xanax when he loses a contact lens. What do you think he's going to do when he finds out about this? Todd's happy You really want to take that away? (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) (LAUGHTER) (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hey, buddy. I got something to tell you, and... I'm not expecting you to believe this, but... I got the money. JIM OVER PHONE: That's great, Donny. Your son came through for you, didn't he? Yeah. His fiancee gave me $50,000 to keep quiet about her having sex with her brother. Yeah, I've been there. We've all been there. She said it was her last time, so... Oh. Maybe things will work out. Then how come I feel like shit right now? Yeah, it's kind of a moral thicket. But the good news is, you stay out of the slammer, right, Donny? Donny? "Go do something." I don't know, Mr. Mitty. I don't know if I can fucking handle it. "Be a good person." JIM OVER PHONE: Donny? Oh, no, no, don't hit me. No, no. Just give me a moment, please, Todd. Just a moment. Relax. You know, after praying with the monsignor, I realize that I committed the sin of prideful anger in the church, and I hope that you'll accept my apology and allow me the honor of being a part of this joyous day. Oh, well, what about Father Shakalu? Oh, stupid bird. Come on, fly! Oh, well, uh, he's cool. Great. Sounds good. Oh, oh... By the way, Todd, uh was it you that hit me in the head with the bottle? Oh. No. Well, then, um, who, then? It was Chad. Interesting. Two, three, four. Fosse, and Fosse, and Fosse. Interesting. Yo! Donny Berger! All right! I'd sign something for you, buddy, but I got no time right now. Ice! Ice, you in there, buddy? I need you! You still got the 5.0? What does that mean? Is that ayes or no? I don't understand the pose. Yeah? Let's go, let's go! (ENGINE REVVING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (EVERYTHING LOUDER THAN EVERYTHING ELSE PLAYING) (HORN BLARING) Go. baby, go! I know that I will never be politically correct And I don't give a damn about my lack of etiquette As far as I'm concerned, the world could still be flat And if the thrill is gone Then it's time to take it back If the thrill is gone Then it's time to take it back Who am I? Why am I here? Oh, no! (TRUCK HORN BLARING) (BOTH SHOUTING) (DONNY LAUGHS) What's the meaning of life? What's the meaning of it all? You got to learn to dance before you learn to crawl You got to learn to dance before you learn to crawl (TIRES SCREECHING) Look at this fucking guy! (HORN BLARING) Oh, man! Don't worry about the future Sooner or later, it's the past If they say the thrill is gone Then it's time to take it back If the thrill is gone Then it's time to take it back Oh, no, no, no, no, no! We're stuck! We're stuck! To hell with the 5.0. Let's run for it, man. But we need great tunes! Come on, let's get them! (MUSIC STOPS) VANILLA ICE: Right here, I got a Walkman. DONNY: The Walkman! Yeah, baby. (ICE ICE BABY PLAYING) Let's kick it Let's go! Ice, Ice, baby Damn it, man! Come on! Let's go! Oh. my God! All right, stop Collaborate and listen Hey! Whoa! Something grabs a hold of me tightly Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know Turn off the lights, and I'll glow To the extreme, I rock a mic... GIRLS: You forgot to pay! So, Jamie, do you promise to provide Todd here with unending empathy, encouragement and honesty, till death do you part? I do. (SIGH) If there was a problem Yo, I'll solve it Hey, Donny. Come on! Ice, Ice, baby Whoa! (GRUNTS) (MUSIC STOPS) (PANTING) What are you doing, guy? You jumped? There was a door right here! Come on, we got to get there! (GROANING) And you, Todd, do you promise to love, honor and protect this special lady for the rest of your life? DONNY: Don't answer that question! (CROWD MURMURING) (PANTING) Oh, shit. (WHEEZING) We ran well over... a mile. (WHEEZING) I object to these two getting married. (CROWD GAS PS) No, uh, we are, we're past that part already. What are my options, then? How about leaving? You shut the hell up, you satanic hose-bag! Hey! Gerald! I'm sorry it sounded so harsh, but you'll understand why I said that in a few minutes. There ain't gonna be a few minutes, you goddamn son of a bitch! Calm down! Calm down! (CROWD GASPS) Let the boy talk. DONNY: I can't let you marry this chick. I can't believe you're doing this. Listen to me, buddy. You don't love this girl. I'm telling you I had love, it's different. It's a different feeling. Love is like... It just leads you to a special connection. It's full of, like, feelings of awesomeness. And the feelings you... That wrap around you. It's deep in your stomach. It's in your head. It's in your fucking nut sack. It's in your dick when it gets hard. There's still love at the tip. And it fucking sprinkles out like morning dew shooting all over the grass. Okay, I've had just about enough of this. Phil, sit down before I tell your wife what you did at the strip club. Okay. (CROWD GASPS) Son, I'm sorry, I just, I can't let you marry this skank. "Son?" Your son? Son? What is he talking about? Honey? You can tell me. I'll forgive you. That's what love's about, right? Forgiveness. All right, fine. Donny's not my best friend. He's my father. (CROWD GASPS) Oh, my... My parents didn't die in an explosion. I lied because I'm the product of an inappropriate teacher-student relationship. Teacher-student relationship? Do you know how gross that sounds? You're disgusting! Are you fucking kidding me right now? She can still cancel that check, Donny! Chad. Cancel what check? I don't... She gave me 50 grand to keep my mouth shut. (CROWD GAS PS) Yeah, it was, uh... I was gonna hold on to it, you know, to get me out of jail, but... Yeah, yeah. That's what I think of that. That's how much I hate this fucking whore. Wait. Keep your mouth shut about what? JAMIE: Todd, don't listen to him. He's a liar and he's crazy! Father McNally, please continue. I promise to do all that shit you mentioned and so does Todd, right? Wait, what is going on? Tell him. No, no, no, no, no. Don't tell him, don't tell him. You tell him or I'll tell everybody here. It's up to you. (STUTTERS SOFTLY) Come on. (WHISPERS) Oh. Okay. Well, that's not that bad. What? You didn't tell him, you fucking lying piece of shit! Get on it now or I'll fucking crush you! No. Jame, you can tell me. I mean, how bad could it be? What? Okay, she told him. What? (G ROANS LOUDLY) You fuck your brother? (CROWD GASPS LOUDLY) Oh, my God! Fucking white people. (LAUGHS) I'm not looking so bad now, am I, Dad? (LAUGHS) I'm... I'm out of here. Mom, she started all this. I didn't want to. I'm still your little soldier, I... Fuck! Take that uniform off. You're insulting us all. No, no, no. Don't you see? It's gonna be even better now. You're a mess, I'm a mess. Come on. Doc Shakalu, get your ass up here! I got to be part of this shit? Todd? Please. Come on, baby. Come on, Todd, let's do this. Yeah, yeah. No! Let's not do this. Okay? And for the record, my name's not Todd Peterson. It's Han Solo. Named after the man who made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. And I am a Berger, like my father before me. Also, I want to tell everyone here that I've got a pretty huge New Kids on the Block tattoo on my back. The heads are warped, but fuck you, guys, it's funny. (CHUCKLES) It is fucking hilarious. Oh, and Steve? Uh, nothing personal, man, but I quit! Aw, no, no. Come on, Todd, don't be like that, huh? Ah! We quit, too. Fuck you! VANILLA ICE: Good call, Han Solo, 'cause your fiancee banged him, too. (CROWD GASPS) What? I didn't know about the brother thing, though. I am as sickened as you, believe me. You know what? It's all right, Steve. 'Cause guess what? Donny and Vanilla Ice fucked your mom! (CROWD GAS PS) Vanilla Ice banged Grandma? That's fucking awesome! (LAUGHS) Donny, look out! (SCREAMING) (BOTTLE CLANKS) Word to your mother, brotherfucker! I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to hit a chick, but I-I got to tell you, it felt good. (CHUCKLES) I mean, I wouldnt do it again, but with this psycho, you know, it was warranted. Donny! I'm gonna kill you! (CROWD GAS PS) (BOTTLE CLANKS) At ease, bitch. Dude! That's it! Nice! Hang on, though. Hang on. Oh, no, don't hurt me. Even Steven. DONNY: Father, take off the collar. That's right. You're not meant for this. Well... Yeah. Nicely done. All right, come on. Let's get out of here, Dad. Did you hear that? Did you hear that? My son called me Dad! He called me Dad! That's right! The Berger boys are back, bitches! BOTH: Wassup? Wassup? Wassup... (HOLD YOUR HEAD UP PLAYING) Hold your head up Oh, hold your head up (LAUGHTER) Shut up. His boss and her brother? It sounds like a Rodney Dangerfield joke, but it actually happened to my boy here! (LAUGHTER) N-Now we got to find Han Solo one of them new girls. One that don't care about all that money he make. (CHUCKLES) No, no. Yeah, like a girl version of Todd Bridges would be perfect. BRIDGES: That's right! Female version of me. That's right. Well, you know, I actually might be doing okay in that department, so... DONNY: What's that? What the fuck... What the heck? Oh! Todd and Brie, sitting in a tree. (LAUGHS) I have balls down to my knee! (LAUGHTER) What? DONNY: Ah, he said it! Yeah! KENNY: Donny! Yeah, buddy? You're my best friend. I'm gonna miss you. I know, I know. But there's good news. You know what, Miss McGarricle gets out in three years, so the timing's kind of perfect for us to start our lives together. Dad, let me just give you the money. No. No. I'm not gonna do that. It's time for Donny Berger to take responsibility for his screw-ups. I made my bed, now I got to lie in it. Donny! Donny! Are you watching? Turn on the TV! Turn it on! ANNOUNCER: There he is, the fat guy we've been talking about all day, Tubby Tuke, actually gaining on the Ethiopians here in the final stretch. Is-is this the fat guy I put the money on? Beep boop beep boop beep. DONNY: Come on, you fat shit, move it! ALL: Go, Tubby! Go, Tubby! (CLAMORING) Keep running! Keep running! Pass those Ethiopians! Pass them skinny fucking Ethiopians! (CLAMORING) Oh, this defies every law of science, but it's happening! Oh! Get the fuck up! Get the fuck up! (CHEERING) Oh, he's up! He's up! He's up! That'll replenish him! That'll replenish him! No! ANNOUNCER: Oh, listen to the roar of that crowd. CROWD: (CHANTING) Fat guy! Fat guy! Fat guy! Fat guy! ANNOUNCER: Can he possibly win it? He's gonna do it! Tubby Tuke has won! (CHEERING) (LOVE SONG PLAYING) Love will find a way Tubby Tuke wins! Tubby Tuke wins! Love is gonna find a way (DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY PLAYING) Have you seen her? So fine and pretty Fooled me with her style and ease And I feel her from across the room Yes, it's love in the third degree Ooh, baby, baby Won't you turn your head my way? Ooh, baby, baby Ah, come on Take a chance You're old enough to Dance the night away Whoa-oh Come on, girl Dance the night away A live wire, barely a beginner But just watch that lady go She's on fire, 'cause dancin' gets her higher than Anything else she knows Ooh, baby, baby Won't you turn your head my way? Ooh, baby, baby Well, don't skip romance 'cause You're old enough to Dance the night away Oh-oh-oh Come on, girl Dance the night away Dance the night away Dance, dance, dance the night away Ah, come on Dance the night away Dance, dance, dance the night away Ah, come on, baby, baby Dance the night away Dance, dance, dance the night away (LAWD HAVE MERCY PLAYING)