The Dumpling Paradox

Scene: The apartment, the living room.

Howard: Watch this, it’s really cool. Call Leonard Hofstadter.

Howard’s phone: Did you say, call Helen Boxleitner?

Howard: No. Call Leonard Hofstadter.

Howard’s phone: Did you say, call Temple Beth Sader.

Howard: No.

Leonard: Here, let me try. Call McFlono McFloonyloo. Heh-heh.

Howard’s phone: Calling Rajesh Koothrappali. (Raj’s phone rings).

Raj: Oh, that’s very impressive. And a little racist.

Sheldon: If we’re all through playing mock the flawed technology, can we get on with Halo night, we were supposed to start at eight, it is now 8:06.

Leonard: So? We’ll start now.

Sheldon: Yes, first we have to decide if those lost six minutes will be coming out of game time, bathroom time or the pizza break.

Raj: We can split it two, two and two.

Howard: If we’re having anchovies on the pizza we can’t take it out of bathroom time. (There is a knock on the door.)

Sheldon: Oh, what fresh hell is this?

Leonard (opening door): Hey Penny, come on in.

Penny: Hey guys.

Howard: See a Penny, pick her up, and all the day you’ll have good luck.

Penny: No you won’t. Uh, can I hide out here for a while.

Leonard: Sure. What’s going on.

Penny: Well, there’s this girl I know from back in Nebraska, Christie, well anyway she called me up and she’s like “Hey, how’s California,” and I’m like “Awesome” ‘cos, you know, it’s not Nebraska, and the next thing I know she’s invited herself out here to stay with me.

Sheldon: 8:08.

Penny: Anyway, she got here today, and she’s just been in my apartment, yakkety-yakking about every guy she’s slept with in Omaha, which is basically every guy in Omaha, and washing the sluttiest collection of underwear you have ever seen in my bathroom sink.

Howard: Well, is she doing it one thong at a time, or does she just throw it all in, like some sort of erotic bouillabaisse.

Penny: He really needs to dial it down.

Leonard: So, if you don’t like this Christie, why are you letting her stay?

Penny: Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she’s kind of family.

Sheldon: You know, I apologise for my earlier outburst, who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the whore of Omaha?

Leonard: Oh, I don’t think she’s a whore.

Penny: No, yeah she’s definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards, this one time, she was at… where’s Howard?

Howard (voice off): Bonjour mademoiselle, I understand you’re new in town.

Sheldon: Oh good grief.

Credit Sequence

Scene: Penny, Sheldon, Raj and Leonard stand in the apartment doorway. Romantic music plays from Penny’s apartment door.

Penny: Ugh, I cannot believe Christie let Howard into my apartment.

Sheldon: And I cannot believe people pay for horoscopes, but on a more serious note it’s 8:13 and we’re still not playing Halo.

Leonard: Okay, fine, we’ll just play one on one until he gets back.

Sheldon: One on one? We don’t play one on one, we play teams, not one on one. One on one!

Leonard: Well the only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half.

Raj: Oh, sure, cut the foreigner in half, there’s a billion more where he came from.

Penny: Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I’ll play.

Leonard: Great idea.

Sheldon: Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that.

Penny: Why?

Sheldon: Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.

Penny: Oh, what, what, what?

Sheldon: This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve, there are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back-story.

Penny (picking up a controller, there is the sound of an explosion from the television): Oh cool, whose head did I just blow off?

Sheldon: Mine.

Penny: Okay, I got this, lock and load boys.

Leonard: It’s the only way we can play teams.

Sheldon: Yes, but whoever’s her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh…. (another explosion)

Penny: Ha-ha, there goes your head again.

Sheldon: Okay, this isn’t at all good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who’s just respawned, you need to give them a chance to (explosion) now come on!

Time shift

Sheldon: Raj, Raj, she’s got me cornered, cover me.

Penny: Cover this, suckers. Ha-ha-ha!

Leonard: Penny, you are on fire.

Penny: Yeah, so is Sheldon.

Sheldon: Okay, that’s it, I don’t know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game.

Penny: Wait, wait, Sheldon, come back, you forgot something.

Sheldon: What?

Penny: This plasma grenade. (Explosion.) Ha! Look, it’s raining you!

Sheldon: You laugh now, you just wait until you need tech support.

Penny: Gosh, he’s kind of a sore loser, isn’t he?

Leonard: Well, to be fair, he is also a rather unpleasant winner.

Penny: Well, it’s been fun.

Leonard: You know, Penny, we make such a good team, maybe we could enter a couple of Halo tournaments sometime.

Penny: Or we could just have a life.

Leonard: I guess for you that’s an option.

Penny: Good night, Leonard.

Leonard: Good night.

Penny: As usual, nice talking to you Raj (leaves.)

Raj: What do you suppose she meant by that?

Leonard: She’s an enigma, Raj.

Sheldon: And another thing, there’s a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab…

Leonard: She’s gone, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Well she could have said goodbye.

Penny (entering again): Okay, I have a problem.

Sheldon: It’s called carpal tunnel syndrome, and quite frankly you deserve it.

Leonard: What’s wrong?

Penny: Um, well, Howard and Christie are… kind of… hooking up in my bedroom.

Leonard: Are you sure?

Penny: Look, I grew up on a farm, okay, from what I heard they’re either having sex or Howard’s caught in a milking machine. Do you mind if I stay here tonight?

Leonard: No, take the couch, or my bed, I just got new pillows, hypo-allergenics.

Penny: Uh, the couch is good.

Sheldon: Hold that thought, Leonard, a moment.

Leonard: Let me guess, you have a problem with this.

Sheldon: Where do I begin?

Leonard: It’s up to you, crazy person’s choice.

Sheldon: Well first, we don’t have house guests, frankly if I could afford the rent I’d ask you to leave.

Leonard: Your friendship means a lot to me as well, what else?

Sheldon: Well, our earthquake supplies, we have a two day, two man kit.

Leonard: So?

Sheldon: So, if there is an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon.

Leonard: I’m sorry, are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay we might succumb to cannibalism?

Sheldon: No-one ever thinks it will happen until it does.

Leonard: Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.

Penny: Hu.. what?

Sheldon: He’s engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It’s the logical fallacy of extending someone’s argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticising the result, and I do not appreciate it.

Leonard: I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow.

Sheldon: Okay, well since I’m obviously being ignored here, let’s go over the morning schedule, I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20, plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly.

Penny: How am I supposed to plan my bodily functions?

Sheldon: I suggest no liquids after 11pm.

Leonard: Here you go.

Penny: Thanks Leonard. (Arranges pillows on left of couch.)

Sheldon: Hmmph, wrong.

Penny: I’m listening.

Sheldon: Your head goes on the other end.

Penny: Why?

Sheldon: It’s culturally universal, a bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.

Penny: I’ll risk it.

Sheldon: Hm!

Penny: Anything else I should know.

Sheldon: Yes. If you use my toothbrush I’ll jump out that window. Please don’t come to my funeral. Have a good night.

Leonard: Sorry about that.

Penny: That’s okay.

Leonard: FYI, his toothbrush is the red one in the plexiglass case under the UV light.

Penny: Got it.

Leonard: Well, sleep tight.

Penny: Thanks.

Leonard: Funny expression, sleep tight. It refers to the early construction of beds which featured a mattress suspended on interlocking ropes which would occasionally… sleep tight.

(Penny turns off light and lies down on couch. Across the room, Raj is still in the kitchen, eating a sandwich. Realising everyone has forgotten about him, he quietly lets himself out. Penny hears the door close, looks worried, then moves her head to the other end of the couch.)

Scene: The following morning. Sheldon is in the kitchen making breakfast. He crosses to the couch, sees Penny sleeping there, looks lost. He is about to sit down on Penny when Leonard enters.

Leonard: What are you doing?

Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America and watched Doctor Who.

Leonard: Penny’s still sleeping.

Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal….

Leonard: I know, I know, look, you have a TV in your room, why don’t you just have breakfast in bed?

Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother’s Day.

Penny: Uh, what time is it?

Leonard: Almost 6:30.

Penny: I slept all day?

Leonard: Oh, no, it’s 6:30 in the morning.

Penny: What the hell is your problem?

Sheldon: Okay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity, I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste.

Howard (entering): Ola, nerd-migos.

Penny: Why do you people hate sleep? Are you wearing my robe?

Howard: Oh, yeah, sorry, I’ll have it cleaned.

Penny: That’s okay, keep it. Where’s Christie.

Howard: In the shower. Oh, by the way, where did you get that loofah mitt, yours reaches places that mine just won’t.

Penny: Y-you used my loofah?

Howard: More precisely we used your loofah. I exfoliated her brains out!

Penny: You can keep that too.

Howard: Ah, well then we’ll probably need to talk about your stuffed bear collection.

Christie (voice off): Howard?

Howard: In here my lady.

Christie (entering): Mmmm, there’s my little engine that could.

Howard: chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka (they kiss).

Sheldon: Well there’s one beloved children’s book I’ll never read again.

Christie: Hi, Christie.

Leonard: Leonard.

Sheldon: I’m Sheldon.

Christie: Right, you’re Howard’s entourage.

Penny: Uh, so Christie, what are your plans?

Christie: Oh, well, Howard said he’d take me shopping in Beverley Hills.

Penny: Yeah, no, I meant plans to find some place to live. Other than with me, not that I don’t love having you, but it’s… a little crowded.

Leonard: Penny, you’re always welcome to stay with us.

Sheldon: Oh, terrific, now we’re running a cute little B&B.

Howard: Let me offer a little outside the box thinking here, why doesn’t Christie stay with me.

Leonard: For one thing you live with your mother.

Howard: I do not, my mother lives with me.

Sheldon: Well then, it’s all settled, Christie will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I’ll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it’s more like Doctor Why Bother.

Leonard: Sheldon you just can’t dictate…

Sheldon: No more talking, everybody go.

Howard: So, what do you say, you wanna repair to Castle Wolowitz?

Christie: What is that, like a Mexican deli?

Howard: I’m sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier, my last name is Wolowitz.

Christie: Oh, that’s so cool. My first Jew!

Sheldon: I imagine there aren’t many kosher corn-huskers.

Christie: But you’re still taking me shopping, right?

Howard: Anything you want.

Christie: Okay, I’ll go pack my stuff.

Howard: When they perfect human cloning I’m going to order twelve of those.

Leonard: Howard, can’t you see she’s using you?

Howard: Who cares, last night she pulled off her blouse and I wept!

Penny: Look, Howard, I know her, okay, she’ll have sex with anyone as long as they keep buying her things.

Howard: Really?

Penny: Yeah.

Howard: Yay! If you’ll excuse me, I have some Bar-Mizvah bonds to cash.

Scene: A Chinese restaurant.

Sheldon: I’m sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.

Leonard: We can’t order Chinese food without Wolowitz?

Sheldon: Let me walk you through it, our standard is, the steamed dumpling appetizer, General So’s chicken, beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo-main. Do you see the problem?

Leonard: I see a problem.

Sheldon: Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided among four people.

Leonard: So, we’ll just order three entrees.

Sheldon: Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling.

Raj: We could cut it into thirds.

Sheldon: Then it is no longer a dumpling, once you cut it open it is at best a very small open faced sandwich.

Waiter: Hi fellas. Oh, where’s your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?

Sheldon: He’s putting his needs ahead of the collective good. (Pointing at waiter) Where he comes from, that’s punishable by death.

Waiter: I come from Sacramento.

Leonard: Can we get an order of dumplings, but with three instead of four.

Waiter: No substitutions.

Leonard: This isn’t a substitution, it’s a reduction.

Waiter: Okay, no reductions.

Leonard: Fine, bring us three orders of dumplings, that’s twelve, we’ll each have four.

Raj: That works.

Sheldon: No, if we fill up on dumplings we’ll need to eliminate another entree.

Waiter: No eliminations.

Leonard: If we have extra, we’ll just take the leftovers home.

Sheldon: And divide it how, I’m telling you we cannot do this without Wolowitz.

Leonard: Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend, if you had let me invite Penny then you would have had your fourth.

Sheldon: Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food, she uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls.

Leonard: We don’t order egg rolls.

Sheldon: Exactly, but we’d have to if she was here.

Raj: Can we please make a decision, not only are there children starving in India, there’s an Indian starving right here.

Leonard: Here’s an idea, why don’t we just go out for Indian food.

Sheldon: No.

Raj: Uurgh.

Waiter: You are nice boys. Tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to bring you the four dumplings. When I’m walking over to the table, maybe I get bumped, one of the dumplings falls to the floor, no-one has to know.

Sheldon: I’ll know.

Waiter: (wanders away cursing in Mandarin.)

Raj: How about soup?

Leonard: Yeah, we can always divide soup.

Sheldon: What about the won-tons?

Scene: Outside Penny’s door. Leonard knocks.

Penny (answering): Oh, hey guys, what’s up?

Sheldon: It’s Halo night.

Penny: Yeah. Okay. So?

Leonard: Well, with Wolowitz spending all of his time with your friend Christie,

Penny: She’s not my friend. Friends do not get their friends care bears all sweaty.

Leonard: Right, anyway, uh, with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere, we had something we wanted to ask you. Sheldon?

Sheldon: Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don’t think I need to tell you what an honour this is.

Penny: Oh, that’s so sweet. But I’m going out dancing with a girlfriend.

Sheldon: You can’t go out, it’s Halo night.

Penny: Well, for Penny it’s dancing night.

Sheldon: You go dancing every Wednesday.

Penny: No.

Sheldon: Then it’s not dancing night.

Penny: Look, why don’t I play with you guys tomorrow?

Sheldon: Tonight is Halo night, it’s like talking to a wall.

Penny: Alright, now Sheldon, you and I are about to have a problem.

Leonard: Sheldon, remember, we role-played this.

Sheldon: Yes, but you didn’t portray her as completely irrational.

Penny: Alright fellas, I gotta go. Good luck.

Leonard: Maybe we should have asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend.

Sheldon: Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can’t, there are three of us and two of them.

Leonard: So?

Sheldon: It’s the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child’s play compared with three men, each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.

Leonard: Aaah, for God’s sake, Sheldon, you are driving me crazy.

Sheldon: Your anger’s not with me, sir, but with basic mathematics.

Leonard: No, I’m pretty sure my anger’s with you.

Raj: What’s happening to us? We’re falling apart.

Leonard: Who are you calling?

Sheldon: The only man who can restore any semblance of balance to our universe.

Howard (voice): Hi this is Howard Wolowitz.

Christie (voice): And this is Christie Van Der Bell.

Howard (voice): We can’t get to the phone right now because we’re having sex.

Christie (voice): You’re not going to put that on your message are you?

Howard (voice): No, I’m just kidding, I’ll re-record it. (beep)

Scene: Outside Howard’s house.

Leonard: Sheldon, think this through, you’re going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.

Sheldon: No, I’m going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems.

Leonard: You’re right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.

Sheldon: My point.

Christie (voice from within): I’m just saying, you can take the damned plastic off the couch once in a while.

Howard’s Mother (voice): Why, so you and Howard can hump on it?

Howard (voice): Ladies, ladies, I’m sure there’s a middle ground.

Christie and Howard’s Mother together: Shut up Howard.

Howard (voice): You girl’s talk, I’m going to take my scooter out for a little spin.

Christie (voice as Howard emerges through door): Are you happy, you drove your own son out of the house.

Howard’s Mother (voice): Why don’t you stop butting in where you don’t belong.

Howard: What are you guys doing here?

Sheldon: It’s Halo night.

Howard’s Mother (voice): He’s not a man, he’s a putz, and don’t you take that tone with me, you gold digger.

Christie (voice): What did you call me?

Howard’s Mother (voice): You heard me, and I’ll tell you something else, you’re barking up the wrong tree, cos as long as you’re around, Howard is out of the will.

Christie: (voice): You know what, I got better offers, I’m out of here.

Howard’s Mother (voice): That’s right, go back to Babylon, you whore.

Howard: So, Halo night, huh?

Raj: I thought she was the whore of Omaha?

Sheldon: Shhh!

Scene: The apartment, Halo night.

Howard: Sheldon, you got him in your sights, fire, he’s charging his plasma rifle.

Sheldon: I can’t shoot now, I’m cloaking.

Leonard: Now, Raj, kill Sheldon.

Raj: I can’t see him.

Sheldon: That’s why the call it cloaking, dead man.

Leonard: Well then start throwing grenades.

Raj: I’m all out.

Penny (entering with three other sexy women): Hi guys, my friends and I got tired of dancing, so we came over to have sex with you.

Leonard: That will do, Raj, straight for the tank.

Sheldon: We said no tanks.

Raj: There are no rules in hell!

Howard: Son of a bitch, medpack, I need a medpack!

Penny: Told yah! (They leave).

Leonard: There’s a sniper, use your rocket launcher.

Raj: All I’ve got is a needler, and I’m all out of ammo.

Sheldon: And now you’re out of life. Why did you hit pause?

Leonard: I thought I heard something.

Raj: What?

Leonard: No, never mind, alright, go.