The Devil's Grip

The Venture Bros.: Season: 4 - Episode: 7

[incomplete]


 * Dean Venture: Huh?
 * Sergeant Hatred: (from letter) Good morning. Last night I drugged you boys and had H.E.L.P.er. take you to your new homes. As your bodyguard, I must prepare you for the worst. Your father is most likely dead. He was crushed to death by a disco ball, and his lifeless husk was taken by the Monarch. Your godfathers have the rest of the info.
 * Colonel Gentleman: Get in, son. Welcome to Tangier.
 * Sergeant Hatred: (from letter) They will raise you as their own sons from here on out. After I write these notes, I plan on shooting myself, then burning the Venture estate down. Not really, but, again, that would be the worst, and I want to prepare you for the worst, ‘cause I love you both. Uncle Hatred.
 * Action Man: Oh, good. You’re up. Here. Put this on and meet me out back. Oh, and, uh, welcome to Boca Raton. Son.
 * [ Intro ]
 * Action Man: (put a box in a hole) Poor little guy.
 * Hank: Is that your pet?
 * Action Man: Blackie died 15 years ago. That’s Entmann, first of team Venture to go.
 * Hank: Gosh, I’m awful sorry.
 * Action Man: (reading note) "You are my pal, and you are my friend. And your weird body, to heaven, I send. When you were massive and full of size, you gave me council, because you were wise. Saying, "Action Man, take it down a notch. Stop just thinking with your action crotch." And when you were shrunk down to a little mole, you were able to swim laps in a little bowl. Now you are dead ‘cause of my chair. I had no idea that you were there. When I rocked back in repose, you died and began to decompose."
 * Hank: Dude! What are you doing?!
 * Action Man: Venture tradition, son.
 * Hank: Oh. Uh, should I-
 * Action Man: Nope. You’re the youngest here. You got to fertilize the ground to represent new life. Drop ‘em and squat.
 * Colonel Gentleman: Now, now, son. That’s not a napkin, that’s bread. You scoop up your couscous with it.
 * Dean: Sorry. I’m used to bread-shaped bread.
 * Colonel Gentleman: Don’t drink that. Dysentery. You’ll be crapping your brains out all over my antiques. You’ll learn the customs here in no time.
 * Dean: I hope I don’t have to. I really think my dad’s okay, Mr. Gentleman.
 * Colonel Gentleman: "Mr. Gentleman"? You call me Pop-Pop.
 * Tough: Rebuilding team Venture, old man? Or just found yourself a new plaything?
 * - Hey, you remember me, do you, laddie? So, you might want to show me a little more respect.
 * Respect? You clowns were a joke even before the Action Man went to rehab.
 * Sorry. The old ears don’t hear so good anymore. What was that?
 * - You heard me.
 * - Dean, be a good boy and go pick a song on the jukebox. This man wants to dance with your Pop-Pop.
 * - Okay.
 * - He’s a little young even for you.
 * Are you sure you want to have a fight? ‘Cause I’m only go use a thumb.
 * Uh the left one.
 * The right one’s too powerful for you.
 * I’d love to see that.
 * I didn’t specify my thumb.
 * I know you’re there.
 * You move, and I shoot.
 * Oh, no, Gary.
 * Please don’t shoot me with your stick.
 * - Eh, it’s all I - Yeah, blah, blah.
 * Look, I need your help.
 * - How’d you find me? - Idiot, you’re camping on our property.
 * - How dumb do you think I am? - Uh, very? Yeah, I’d love to keep playing this game with you, but we got problems.
 * The Monarch has Doc.
 * - How did that happen? - Doc crashed a party at Don Hell’s.
 * Whoa! Not smart.
 * Villain nightclub.
 * - Bad people in there.
 * - So, are you in? I know it’s touchy for you, and you’ll probably baby out on me, but I also know that you’re a good man under all that pudge.
 * Yeah, I’m pudgy.
 * And you’re wearing a bulletproof vest you made from an old couch, I assume.
 * Yeah, I’m in.
 * Let’s bring him home.
 * - Did you just cock your stick? - Yeah.
 * Whatever.
 * - So, I just so, what? - So, you ready? I am gonna wet myself.
 * - Calm down! I’m almost done.
 * - Hey, what about putting him in the one with a hungry rat in a cage that he wears as a mask? - It’ll eat his nose.
 * - I told you, rats, piranhas, sharks, and badgers - are too much hassle.
 * No animals.
 * - Okay! Hey, what about just straight-up flaying, huh? But as a sinister twist - ice knife? - Oh, put that one down.
 * - Just wait for me to finish.
 * - I can’t wait.
 * I’m so excited! All right.
 * All right, all right.
 * Calm down, now.
 * Work on the old list.
 * Nifty, nifty little listy.
 * Number 15 ice knife.
 * - Okay, I’m calm now.
 * Everything’s cool.
 * - Good.
 * Broken glass in ears, question mark.
 * I just peed myself a little.
 * - Sweetie, please, relax.
 * - I really appreciate this.
 * I’m only doing it ‘cause it’s against Guild regulations to torture - somebody with an unattended injury.
 * - Yeah, not buying it.
 * I know you’re the softie here.
 * Not my first time at the rodeo.
 * Rodeo’s over, baldy.
 * You’re hog-tied.
 * I’m just waiting for my husband to pick out a barbecue sauce to spread on you.
 * - Ow! - Yeah, dislocated.
 * Figured.
 * I know you clowns aren’t gonna do anything.
 * You never do.
 * Yeah, he may not be very good at it, but he loves it, and I - love him, so you better play along.
 * - How about you pop my hip back in place, and I send you a little tax-free donation? You are gonna cry in agony if my husband tickles you.
 * You will plea for your life if he gives you a back rub.
 * You will try to escape just so he can catch you.
 * - Why would I do that? - Because if you don’t, I will straight-up just slit your throat.
 * - No, no.
 * You wouldn’t do that.
 * - Don’t underestimate a woman in love, Dr.
 * Venture.
 * - So, you allergic to epinephrine? - No, I’m not allergic to any anesthetics.
 * And I’m not allergic to hand lotion, if you, uh, want to give me a happy ending.
 * Nah.
 * - Don’t start without me! - All right.
 * Now, just like we rehearsed, okay? That’s her.
 * - That delicious piece of randy candy over there.
 * - Check.
 * Hello, Rose.
 * Uh, mind if I - Yes, I was just leaving anyway.
 * - Okay.
 * - Oh, dear.
 * What is the matter? - Oh, it’s been a heck of a year, Rose.
 * I-I lost my wife, my best friend, and now my - my son is hooked on rock ‘n’ roll.
 * - Rock ‘n’ roll?! Rodney, that’s the devil’s music.
 * Hey, old man.
 * I was just playing my bass at a volume that’s unreasonable.
 * Can you give me some money to buy records with clear - warning labels? - Oh, Rose.
 * You got to help me - straighten him out.
 * - You ain’t never gonna stop me from overly sexualized dancing and dressing like an indigent.
 * Loud rock music! The devil has a grip on you.
 * You’ve got to fight him, sweetie.
 * - You have to fight him with show tunes.
 * - Show tunes? If I play them backwards, will they make me want to try reefer cigarette marijuanas? - Oh, heaven’s no.
 * - They will make you want to solve problems in song.
 * - And with dancing.
 * - Gosh, I think I’d like to get hooked on show tunes now.
 * I’ve been so wrong about everything.
 * - You’re the best father in the world! - Aw, shucks, son.
 * I couldn’t have done it - without Rose, here.
 * - You sure do make a great team.
 * - Hey, pop, maybe she’d like to have dinner with us? - Oh, don’t be silly.
 * - I’m sure Rose is very - Oh, yes, young man.
 * I would love to dine with you.
 * So, you start the watch when Salem comes on screen, then stop it when he’s off.
 * Then you write the time down and indicate whether it was that crappy puppet or an actual cat.
 * - Are all these tapes "Sabrina, the teenage witch"? - Well, obviously, son.
 * It’s the only show that starred Salem the cat.
 * Now, once you finish that, you get to take dictation for "I Gentleman," the third installment of my autobiographical thrillogy.
 * Oh, look at this place.
 * Nothing changed.
 * - Kept it just the way I left it.
 * - Hey, how far is the floor from my feet? Oh, like a yard.
 * Aw, they got me a Guild calamity conference shirt.
 * Yard.
 * That was like 5 feet.
 * - Aww, it says I’m his best henchman.
 * - It’s a T-shirt.
 * So what? - You got any weapons? - Under the bed.
 * The Ventures never - gave me a T-shirt.
 * - Boo-Hoo.
 * I tattooed a "V" on my face, and I still got to pay for my own food.
 * Where’s your costume? - Why do you do it? - What? Bodyguard? It’s all the same.
 * Sergeant Hatred, uncle Vatred same old war horse fighting for what he cares about.
 * - Well, what do you care about? - Fighting.
 * Yeah, just point me - at a cause, and I’ll do the rest.
 * - You know, I can’t believe we’re - so similar.
 * How come we never got close? - ‘Cause I don’t trust you, and ‘cause - you’re a dork.
 * And this is a toy chest.
 * - That’s a display cabinet for collectibles, my friend.
 * It’s at the bottom.
 * That’s my old one.
 * - It might still smell like soup.
 * - That’s horrible.
 * - What is that? - Soup.
 * - Okay.
 * I’m so ready.
 * Let’s do this.
 * - You want to rehearse again? No, I got this one down.
 * You just got to remember that after I do the sinister laugh, you have to cross your arms and look at me like I’m the [bleep] - You want me to do the, uh - No, no.
 * That’s too "king and I.
 * " Keep it believable.
 * He fights the zeitgeist with polite might.
 * Okay.
 * Showtime.
 * - Hello, Dr.
 * Venture.
 * Are you prepared to die?! - Who’s there? Oh.
 * Why did you blindfold him?! I’m all dressed up! We westerners know nothing of torture.
 * We simply nail a man’s balls to a chair.
 * Where is the poetry? Ah, in the east, they know the exquisite beauty of torture.
 * There they’ve turned a sound that makes virgins weep into a sound that makes - a man roar with suffering.
 * - What? Can’t hear squat in here.
 * - Where am I? - The bell! - Labelle? Patti Labelle? - A bell! When rung at full peal, the vibrations pierce the body like sharp knives that pull at the muscles and burst the veins.
 * The bones twist and crack in relative silence to the cries of the bell! Right there.
 * I pay how much to live in a gated neighborhood, and some loser cranks a Mike Oldfield album? What’s next Pink Floyd?! Have another toke, hippie.
 * What? Nothing?! - Are you serious? - What can I tell you? I spent most of my childhood in a supersonic jet.
 * Oh, I mean, oh! I think my kidneys burst! Please, no more - bursting of my kidneys.
 * - The bell, dot, dot, dot, sucks.
 * - Three exclamation points.
 * - You’re finished, brainulo! By now, Jonas and Otto - have realigned the missile.
 * It’s over.
 * - You may have bested my judo lizards, but you won’t fare as well with your next opponents.
 * - We won’t fight each other, brainulo! - E-Each other? Oh I wish I thought of that.
 * Oh, it really seems obvious now, doesn’t it? It’s all but a cliché, you idiot.
 * How did you miss that? I don’t know.
 * But I did come up with something more sinister.
 * Prepare yourself to fight your crushes triple threat and jass.
 * Nobody for humongoloid? - Be realistic, big guy.
 * - You’re sweet on jass, really? Look at him.
 * He’s like a blade of sexual grass swaying in the breeze.
 * Arrow straight, believe it or not.
 * So, triple threat? It’s that goody-goody thing.
 * I just want to get all animal on her and show her my filth.
 * - Was that the doorbell? - I think so.
 * - Do you want to stop here? - Mischa! Who’s that, girl? Is that Kiki? Is that Kiki? That’s my puppy.
 * There’s a girl.
 * All right, Dean.
 * Put a pin in that story.
 * Have to have it out with Kiki.
 * That amber tramp’s been playing me for a fool.
 * I’ve been trying to drill Rose for, like, 40 years.
 * It’s like a damn obsession.
 * - You grease those gears, and you can name your price.
 * - All right.
 * I’m gonna need $50 cash, stingray bass, and a ride home, ‘cause this whole place smells like dinty moore beef stew.
 * - Done, done, and done.
 * - Super swear? If you can get me time with Rose, I’ll swear on the only thing holy to me.
 * Go, team Venture.
 * Hey, so glad you’re back, man.
 * This place sucks now.
 * Moppets? Dude, they’re pretty much - running crap in here.
 * - Uh hello.
 * - What’s that blue stuff on Your face? - It’s, uh ice.
 * Icicles.
 * WTF are you doing?! You made me hit a guy on my - softball team.
 * - Yeah, that was hey, you saved me.
 * - I didn’t think you would.
 * - Oh, dude, don’t get all Sarah McLachlan - dog commercial on me.
 * - Uh, I’m not.
 * I’m just - Aww, get over here.
 * - Can we hug later? You’ve got to go to the cell blocks on the lower level.
 * I’m gonna check the bridge.
 * Check.
 * I won’t let you down buddy.
 * Well, isn’t that interesting.
 * Oh, don’t worry.
 * I’m not going into that cavity.
 * That nerve’s already dying.
 * A live, freshly cut nerve is infinitely more sensitive.
 * - What? - I can smell your fear.
 * Ugh, and your fear smells just like cat food.
 * Ugh! Sorry, I had shrimp in garlic butter last night.
 * I-I can’t ugh.
 * It it’s just really bad.
 * How do you even stand having that be your mouth? Ugh.
 * No.
 * No.
 * Well, then just get out, then! I’m tired of it.
 * Who this one? Him new lover for Mr.
 * Gentleman? That’s my son.
 * Are you leaving, or should I throw you out? - No.
 * Kiki leave.
 * Kiki have new man.
 * - Great! Have fun.
 * Maybe when he kicks his coke habit, your new man will kick you like he does all his boys! IUmI arranged the first two chapters for you and then made - a chapter for your lists.
 * - Yes.
 * Yes, let’s get back to my lists.
 * - If you want to talk about this - Colonel gentleman’s list of things not to do.
 * Number one get involved with a person 1/3 your age.
 * - You hear me, Dean? - Uh, I can safely promise that I won’t get - involved with a 6-year-old.
 * - Number two retire to a country where your sexual preference is a capital offense.
 * Number three stay past your welcome.
 * This place used to be a paradise.
 * That pretty peacock Yves Saint Laurent lived right there.
 * Burroughs, Capote, Forbes, Kerouac, Ginsberg ah, Ginsberg, that Eager little puppy.
 * I miss ‘em.
 * They’re all gone, Dean.
 * And here I am.
 * - Should I be writing this down? - Yes, but not for my memoirs.
 * For me, so I can look at my life.
 * What am I doing here? Doc? Psst.
 * - Doc? You in here? - Looking for someone? - Where’s Doc? - He’s being tortured by the Monarch and 21.
 * You’re such a sucker, man.
 * Fat boy been - playing you the whole time.
 * - He would never you’re lying! Whatever.
 * Show this man out and treat him appropriately use the garbage chute.
 * Show me the garbage chute, will you? You’re the garbage here! You’re a bunch of lying garbage people.
 * - Where the hell is everybody? - Well, hello, traitor.
 * - Security to the throne room.
 * - Well, look who it is.
 * Yeah, I was tipped off by your new best friend.
 * I gave him Dr.
 * Venture and he sold you out like you were nothing, so why don’t you put these on and we’ll go have a chat with the Monarch? All right, yeah.
 * Let’s.
 * Let’s show him how you two are - taking over the cocoon.
 * - He’ll never believe you.
 * Oh, he’ll believe his best henchman over a lying murderer.
 * I know it was you guys.
 * - Seize the traitor! - Wait! The Moppets have broken our most sacred law.
 * They killed henchman 24.
 * - Hench has killed hench.
 * Hench has killed hench.
 * - Hench has killed hench.
 * - Hench has killed hench - We didn’t! - He’s a liar and a traitor! Seize him! - Hench has killed hench.
 * I can prove he’s lying.
 * Idiots! He’s getting away! Forget it.
 * We looked everywhere for that [bleep] extension cord.
 * - I’m done.
 * I’m done.
 * - What are you doing? I’m untying you and letting you go.
 * - About time team Venture rescued me.
 * - Nobody came to rescue you.
 * Look, nobody even answered my ransom calls.
 * Well, maybe if you hold me longer.
 * I I’m sure somebody’s - working on a rescue plan.
 * - Forget it.
 * We lose.
 * We’re wash-ups.
 * - Losers.
 * You know my best henchman left me? - Yeah.
 * He’s been hanging around my place.
 * That wouldn’t have happened if - Brock was still around.
 * - Just be happy you don’t have dwarves - trying to take over your life.
 * - You haven’t met my brother, apparently.
 * Oh, yeah.
 * He’s really doing well, huh? Yeah, I have that with my wife.
 * She was just tapped for the council of 13, so my old - number two will be my boss.
 * - That’s nothing.
 * My new bodyguard - is my old archenemy.
 * - Yeah, that’s messed up.
 * All right.
 * Well Guess you should just go home.
 * Can you even call it a home? Is it just a box full of memories? - All right.
 * Um can I get a ride? - No, no.
 * Can’t.
 * I got to tell the wife you escaped and well, you understand.
 * Yeah, no.
 * So, uh should I just Yeah, let yourself out.
 * Uh, break a couple of things.
 * Make it look good.
 * God.
 * I liked being tortured more than this here.
 * This is ugh.
 * I’m just so damn lonely, Rose.
 * - Let’s give it a shot.
 * - We’re just too different, Rodney.
 * - You’re a womanizer and a junkie.
 * - Oh, no.
 * That all ended.
 * I was faithful to Jeannie till the day she died.
 * And junkie? I-I was a dang super soldier.
 * Jonas had me on jump juice for the good of flag and country.
 * - I kicked that years ago.
 * - Rodney, that’s just a bushel of baloney.
 * Wait a minute.
 * That voice! I-I finally figured out why you’re so familiar.
 * Do you have a son named Billy? Uh, big head, eye patch, metal - hand, probably a midget? - Yes.
 * Oh, my little water baby.
 * Oh, I haven’t seen him in years.
 * He moved in with a man.
 * I think he was afraid I’ll disapprove of his lifestyle choice.
 * I don’t even know where he is anymore.
 * Well, I do.
 * He’s my neighbor.
 * Hey, how about you two come visit me back home? You and uncle Rodney and my new bass and your little water baby can have a nice reunion.
 * Yes.
 * Well, that sounds just elegant.
 * All right, Gary.
 * Judas.
 * Betray me, will you? Oh, ho, a reckoning’s coming, buddy.
 * A reckoning is coming! - Sweetie, Dr.
 * Venture escaped! - No, he didn’t.
 * I let him go.
 * - What? Are you okay? Why did you let him go? - Because I broke him! I broke his will! I broke his spirit.
 * Oh, my lovely, naive little girl, how easy it is to break a bone, but to break a man’s heart that takes genius.
 * Physical torture? Wounds heal.
 * But mental torture? Those wounds only grow and fester.
 * I have crushed Dr.
 * Venture! - You know I’m the [bleep].
 * - I am so turned on.
 * - You have to do me right now.
 * - Come.
 * Service your evil genius.
 * Oh, uh hey, you guys.
 * I’m, uh I’m home? Attention, Gary.
 * It’s your old pal, Sergeant Hatred.
 * Come out with your hands up, or I will oh.
 * Oh, that’s a missile.
 * Oh, boy.
 * That is on all kinds of fire.
 * It’s heading for the house and it is on fire.
 * Gary, I still hate you, but you got to get out of there! You got to evacuate, man! Oh, the humanity! I-I’m just gonna go now and, uh we’ll pick this up another time.
 * - What the [bleep] was that? - Our cocoon.
 * - That sucked.
 * - Who the [bleep] is Gary? Oh, it’s so romantic.
 * We’re moving into the house you - were raised in.
 * It’s like a fairy tale.
 * - Uh, it didn’t look - quite this bad when I was a kid.
 * - Yeah, it looks like the kind of place that has creepy, - wet asian kids crawling on the ceiling.
 * - He’s a lying, two-timing little so-and-so, and I broke bread with him! I even broke heads with him.
 * - You can’t take it personally.
 * - Oh, just watch me! - Just play along.
 * It’s not gonna kill you.
 * - Why would you tell your mom I’m gay? I didn’t tell her.
 * I just didn’t deny it.
 * She sent us that China and the sideboard.
 * White, you love that sideboard.
 * So, this is Peter.
 * He’s as handsome as you said he was, Billy.
 * - You said I was handsome? - Yeah, it’s a little brownstone on Christopher Street.
 * You can bring Rose.
 * - What do you say? - If you don’t mind the sound of old people having sex, you’ve got yourself a roommate.
 * Dean, you look like someone died.
 * - This is a funeral, Hank.
 * - No, I mean, like, all the time.
 * You’ve been a mess this whole year, man.
 * - You’ve got to tell me what’s eating you.
 * - You want to know, Hank? Okay, fine.
 * I’m sick of keeping it in, so I’ll just tell you.
 * We are clones, Hank.
 * Our whole lives it’s a lie.
 * We’re not really Hank and Dean anymore.
 * We’ve died like copies of ourselves.
 * We’re clones.
 * Clones.
 * - Dean that is awesome.
 * - You’re you’re not upset? About what?! That I’m, like, some kind of super-cool, probably magic, highlander cyborg clone?! Uh, no.
 * Hey, just one more reason it’s great to be a Venture.
 * Goodbye, old friend.
 * Hope you’re happy in your new resting place.
 * Okay, who’s the youngest? - Don’t look at me.
 * - Dean, son! We need you over here.
 * Oh, you’re gonna love this.