Penguins of Madagascar (2014)

Narrator: Antarctica, an inhospitable wasteland, but even here, on the Earth's frozen bottom, we find life.

Cue Private's egg revealed under the snow, which rolls over the snow.

And not just any life: penguins. Joyous, frolicking, waddling, cute and cuddly life. Look at them, tumbling onto their chubby bum bums. Who could take these frisky snow-clowns...

''[The older penguins almost fall on baby Skipper, Rico, and Kowalski. They move out of the way]''

Skipper: Seriously? Does anyone even know where we're marching to?

Penguin #1: Who cares?

Penguin #2: I question nothing.

Penguin #3: Me, too.

Penguin #4: Me, too.

Skipper: Well, fine. We'll just fly to the front of the line and see for ourselves. Kowalski, Rico, engage aerial surveillance.

They flap their wings but cannot fly.

Kowalski: Skipper, we appear to be flightless.

Skipper: [looks at his wings] Oh, well what's the point of these?

Rico seems to have an idea. He hits Skipper's wing in some sort of high five.

Skipper: Woah, I like it! Hey, this could be our thing! What're we going to call it? Let's call it the, uh... high one.

Skipper: Kowalski, analysis.

Kowalski: We are really... awesome at this!

Skipper: Boys, we did it! Mission accomplished! Hey, we could do our thing! High one!

They all high five, until Skipper accidentally hits the egg they just saved

Skipper: Ooh. My bad.

The penguins all look in awe as the egg is about to hatch.

Skipper: Look, it’s... it's the miracle of birth!

Kowalski: A moment of extraordinary beauty!

Suddenly, Private's egg explodes open, splashing the three penguins in goop, much to their disgust.

Skipper: Daaagh!! That is disgusting! I think I have amniotic fluid in my mouth!

Much to the surprise of the three penguins, the newly hatched Private gets up, but look at him lovingly.

Private: Hello! Are you my family?

The three penguins turn and nod to each other before turning back to face Private.

Kowalski: You don't have a family, and we're all going to die. Sorry.

Private: What?

Skipper elbows Kowalski.

Kowalski: What? I thought that was what we were all nodding about.

Skipper: [hits Kowalski] No one's gonna die. [to Private] You know what you got, kid? You've got us. We've got each other. And if that ain't a family, I don't know what is. [salutes, which Private copies, before rubbing his head affectionately] So adorable. [to Kowalski] Kowalski, what's our trajectory?

Kowalski: Ninety-five percent certain we're still doomed.

Skipper: And the, uh... other five percent?

Kowalski: Adventuring and glory like no penguins have ever seen before.

Skipper: I'll take that action.

Private: Where are going?

Skipper: The future, boys. The glorious future.

Skipper: Private, if you could have anything you wanted in the whole wide world, what would it be?

Private: Well, gee, Skipper. I think to be a meaningful and valued member of this team.

Skipper: Ah, well, we got you something else.

Camera pans to a vending machine in the break room.

Private: A vending machine?

Skipper: Well, not just any vending machine, Private. The last remaining home in America's nanny houses for the remaining of those succulent and chemically-hazardous bits of puffed heaven called..

Private: [gasps] Cheesy Dibbles!

Skipper: [gives Private a coin] Happy ding-dong birthday, you little scamp!

Private: Thank you, Skipper.

In response, Private pecks Skipper on the cheek, followed by Kowalski, finally giving one to Rico, only for the latter to hold Private for ten seconds.

Skipper: You mess with the bull, you get the horns, Private. Now get to that machine and get your present.

Private tosses the coin into the machine and tries to reach in the slot to get the bag

Skipper: We just broke in the most secure facility in North America. Do you know what that means?

Kowalski: We’re wanted criminals who will be on the lam for the rest of their lives, feeling the hot breath of Johnny Law on our necks?

Skipper: No. This means as elite units go, we're the elitist of the elite. Top shelf in the bureau. The penultimates. Plus one.

As Private struggles to get the bag out of the vending machine he ends up getting pulled into the machine.

Skipper: Where did Private go?

[they walk over closer to the vending machine]

Kowalski: Oh, there he is. [the penguins notice that Private is stuck up in the machine] D3.

Skipper: How much is he?

Kowalski: He's three dollars and fifty cents, sir.

Skipper: Well, that's outrageous. Even for Private.

Suddenly, an octopus tentacle comes out of the vending machine slot, grabs Rico and takes him into the machine.

Kowalski: Sir, the machine is alive!

The octopus tentacle comes out of vending machine again and takes Kowalski.

Skipper: [angrily] Well, I don't think I like your attitude, vending machine. Or your prices! [in battle stance] Release them!

Corporal: He hacked into our system.

Skipper: Debbie!

Kowalski: Dave.

Skipper: Dave!

[There's no sound on-screen]

Eva: Where's the sound?

Kowalski: Dave, your microphone, it's not on.

Classified: Click on the button with the picture of the microphone.

Short Fuse: Every time a villain calls in, this happens.

Dave: Hello? [the screen goes off] Hello?

Kowalski: But, now we can hear you.

Short Fuse: So annoying!

Kowalski: But we cannot see.

Short Fuse: Every time!

Classified: It's like talking to my parents.

Private: So, how do I look?

Kowalski: Well, you’re hideously disfigured and will probably be hunted for sport.

Private: What?!

Skipper elbows Kowalski.

Kowalski: What?

Classified: [clear his throat] Penguins, this is difficult for me to say, but...

Skipper: Is it ‘osteoporosis’? You just gotta lean into the vowels. Ahhh-stee-ohhhh-pahhh...

Classified: What? No, I need to say that... You four are the bravest agents I’ve ever known. I was wrong. And I want to make it right.

Kowalski: [to Classified] Give us jetpacks.

Eva: [at the same time; to Kowalski] We could kiss.

Kowalski: [notices Eva] Whoa! Uh, [clears his throat] did you just say...

Eva dips Kowalski, kissing him, while using her other wing to block the camera, much to the disgust of his comrades. As soon as Eva lowers her wing, Kowalski has lipstick marks all over his face.

Kowalski: Well, that feels right!