The Cad and the Hat

Whoa, look out. (both shout) Hey, where's our sailboat? Oh. It really tied the room together. Yes. That painting was great. Derivative, amateur seascape. Maybe another animated show stole it! (gasps) We'll see about that! Or maybe I sold it on Craigslist. Both things are equally possible. This a TV show, or did I walk into a third grade shoebox diorama? Did you steal my painting? (angry muttering, bleeping) (chuckles) Out of the mouths of babes. ♪ We're in the cookies you hate to eat ♪ ♪ An unpleasant surprise when you trick-or-treat... ♪ Boo! Boo! Snacks should be bad for you! (high-pitched yells) (grunting) (screams) (Homer screams) Ew, what smells like comic books and loneliness? (gasps) Oh, uh, certainly not this cool cat. Nope. That was spot-on. But today I don't care. Look what I got! My painting! The pièce de résistance of my memorabilia collection! Not since I was the winning bidder on a Ziploc full of Jonathan Frakes' beard trimmings have I been so... Aw, dang it. Ooh! Gross! Raisin blood! (Homer grunting, kids yelling) (panting) Oh, I did it. Oh, (bleep). ♪ ♪ Bart and I haven't always been the best of friends. Aah! And we're here to tell you a story of a time when we really didn't get along. (hooting) But we found our way! And we like each other better than ever! Way to spoil the ending, nerd-burger. Mmm, nerd-burger. It all began on the hottest summer on record. Aah! After years of pollution in Springfield Bay, I am honored to announce that these waters are now safe to swim in. (cheering) Huzzah for a cleaner Springfield! Er, uh, it's not cleaner. We just lowered the safety standards. (cheering) Yay! (sizzling) Okay, who's up for a day at the beach? I got all the beach I want with Anzio Beach Invasion. Pathetic! I was there, and it was nothing like that. (Grampa gasps) I surrender! I'll go in first so they won't know it's a trap. Yoink. Yoink. Movado! (humming) (laughter) (Homer whimpering) Well, that is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen on a beach. Kind of sad, really. (sighs) A booger? Real mature, guys, real mature. (both snickering) A booger! A human booger, indeed. Dolphin. Weak. Skull. Cliché. "I'd rather be fishing." Not true. The bone? That's exactly what I'm bad to. Hmm. (gasps) ♪ Wouldn't it be nice if we were older? ♪ ♪ Then we wouldn't have to wait so long ♪ ♪ And wouldn't it be nice to live together ♪ ♪ In the kind of world where we belong? ♪ ♪ You know it's gonna make it that much better... ♪ (gasps) I'll take it! (pacifier squeaking) Geronimo! It said "water-resistant." It resisted nothing! Whee...! Whoa! Dope hat! And check out my gnarly new tat! No fair! I'm bad to the bone! (sobbing) (women grunting) Mmm! Okay, that's it. Marge, I'm watching sports! Really? What's the score? Uh, the, uh, Boobs are beating the Butts. I don't think that's the official terminology. (grunts) Oh! Maybe you should watch this sport instead. Hmm. Mm-mm-mm. What do you know? Checkmate. Ha! It's the only mate I haven't buried. Hey, Blobby Fischer, you're up. Do you even know the names of the pieces? Of course. There's the King, Mrs. King, the Lightbulb Babies, the Mini Ashtray, Slit Face. And who could forget Dr. Horse? Want to put a 20 on it? Make it a 22. (chuckles) Checkmate. (chuckles) Another victim of the Budapest Gambit. How can Dad play chess? He can't even remember the rules to Chutes and Ladders. I do so! You always think ladders go down. You can go down a ladder. Oh, God, not this again. I go down ladders all the time. Homer, when did you learn to play chess? The truth is, my dad and I used to play. (Mozart's "Requiem" playing) He won't stop doing it. That's jive, man. But I don't want to talk about it. (Mozart's "Requiem" playing) (seagull squawks) Whoa! Sweet lid, Lisa. Well, I'm bad to the bone. I see no proof of that. Oh, yeah? Just look at this. (grunts) (screeches) Haw-haw! Bart's getting beat up by a beach turkey! (sighs) (groans) Hmm. (tires screeching) Okay, a few ground rules. Everything I say, I want five of. Five Krusty Burgers... Squeaky-voiced teen: Got it. Five Krusty Burgers. No! I thought I was clear. 25 Krusty Burgers! 125 Krusty Burgers? No! That's not what I... Fine. Bart: Can I really toss this thing she's so crazy about? Damn right I can! I'm bad to the bone! (grunts) (growling) (chuckles) Who the hell are you? I'm your guilt. I don't have any guilt. You do now. Don't worry, Bart. I'll protect you. I'm denial. (crack) Ay, caramba! ♪ Wouldn't it be nice if we were older? ♪ ♪ Then we wouldn't have to wait so long? ♪ (gasps) My hat! ♪ ♪ Sunny? ♪ ♪ Uh, no. Uh-uh. Oh. (gasps) No. Nope. Not even close. Do you have any more yellow hats? You mean like the one you looked really good in? Yes. No. Oh... (groaning) (groans) You're still here? No offense, but you look worse. Your lack of remorse just makes me grow. (gasps) Now you're gettin' it. Ha! Joke's on you... I like gross things. Hmm. (grunting) (laughs) Again! Again! And that leads to mate in three! I've got to say, it's so exciting to find out something new about you. Hey, I'm full of surprises. Ooh. Name another. Actually, that's it. Tell me something I don't know about you. Okay. Sometimes when I sweep, I make little sweeping noises with my mouth. (whooshing) Oh, here comes the dustpan. (gasps) (both moaning) I can't find Sunny anywhere. Sunny? No! We got to find Sunny! Where... Wait. The baby's name is Maggie. Hey, beach bums. Man, did I crash last night. Always sleep well after riding the waves. Ah... Have you seen your sister's hat? Oh, did-did she have a hat? I-I don't remember any hat. Her name was Sunny, and I loved her more than any girl ever loved a hat! (gasps) Even Madeline from the Madeline books? She only wore that because it was part of her uniform. Ask Pepito. (sizzles) Mmm. (chomps) Hey, hey, hey, I do not like to see that going on in my bar. Lenny, knight takes queen. Barney, mate in four. Homer! You're playing like Polugaevsky at Mar del Plata. (belches) Yeah, Homer, you're some kind of a idiot savant. Hey, I don't come here to be insulted. Homer, we're just saying youse got a special skill, like a smokin' monkey or a urinal cake with an ad on it. Don't tell me you're not flattered by those analogies. (sputters) You guys think you're so hot. I could fit in a piece of carry-on luggage. Oh-ho, I'd like to see that. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, no. I'm alone with my thoughts. No. No, no, no. The healthiest thing is for me to let myself out. Oh, sure thing, pal. Here you go. So, Homer, how did you get so good at chess? I played against my dad. Uh, was that fun? It was, until I learned the pieces weren't licorice. (Mozart's "Requiem" playing) We played every day after my mother left us, and he won every time. And every time he won, he laughed that horrible laugh. (laughing) Aw, Mona. (laughing) So I found a professor who lived nearby, a master of the game, kind, patient, devoted to me. I went every day. You are ready now. Thanks for the lessons, Professor. You remind me of my son. Oh. Where is he now? He's... right over there. He just doesn't like chess. I went back to play my dad. We had a beautiful thing here, and you had to ruin it by getting good! No more chess in this house! But, Dad, it's our thing. Well, we'll find another thing. You listen to the radiator hiss while I drink whiskey under this naked lightbulb. (radiator hissing) It was a sad life, but I wasn't affected. (dog barks mournfully) ♪ They fight and fight and fight ♪ ♪ Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight ♪ ♪ The Itchy & Scratchy Show. ♪ I brought you more lasagna, Scratchy. Mmm thanks. (laughs) You know these cartoons are made by exploiting Korean children? You ruin everything. (saxophone note plays) (snoring, groaning) (blows note) (snoring, groaning) (plays higher note) (groans) (gasps) Bart? What is it? Um, listen, I have... I have to tell you something. I-I was jealous, and I-I threw your hat away. (gasps loudly) Oh, that went a lot better than I thought. Why did you do it? I don't know. The important thing is you got to forgive me right now. Because I feel kind of guilty. Then I hope your guilt will grow... and grow... and grow. And no matter how much you try to pretty it up... it'll still be the most hideous thing you could imagine! (screams) Nerds! Get 'em! (Homer groans, Marge screams) A cupcake? Please. No. Mm-mm. So what? I'm truly sorry, Bart, but it's a wound nothing will heal. A bunny and a hammer? Well, my mom did say bring home dinner. (humming) Homer, listen, hey, I got something very scary to tell you. Now, I was on this alt-suicide subreddit, you know, just-just checking in, and I found out why you are so good at chess. Go on. Chess represents your desire to kill your father. What the...? That's ridiculous! Now, I'm here to bowl! (groans) You'll end up in the gutter! Oh, my head! Oh! I'll sue! I can't afford the copay! Won't someone reset us! Well, at least I'm safe. (grunting) (gasps) I'm in luck! It's still here! (gasps) My hat! Aah! My car! And my house. Homer, before you give up, I Skyped someone who knows a little bit about chess. Oh, I don't think any chess master or even international master could understand how I feel. I'm world chess champion Magnus Carlsen. (gasps) I understand Norwegian! When I heard a fellow chess player had a mental problem, I Skyped at once. I'm not a chess player anymore. From now on, I'm only playing Stratego! I cannot play Stratego... I'm scared of the bomb. Yeah, tell me about it. Homer, I'm afraid you cannot run away from chess. The reason I got into chess was because it didn't involve running. I share your disdain for exercise. Now I will say something with all the emotion a Norwegian can muster. To find your true feelings, you must finish your final chess match with your father. (gasps) I'm sorry, you cut out for a second. Did you gasp? Then you will nod. Then you will eat a piece of cheese while the wife doesn't look. Then you will undo the top button of your pants. I'm always three moves ahead. D'oh! Okay, I don't have to move the cube. I just have to get the hat out. Ga-der! I never thought I'd sink this low, but I need help from God. Let our faith lift up this cube, Lord. ♪ ♪ - Huh? Aw. Thanks for nothing. (sizzling) Huh? The soda ate right through the metal! I'm just glad I'm not a car. Ah. I just have to get more. (sizzling) Hit it, boys! (both praying indistinctly) ♪ ♪ And... evil thoughts. (both gasp) (sizzling) Boys, are you performing miracles? Jesus is performing them through us. Well, all right, then. I'm here to play chess, we're going to play chess, and not another word! I play chess? ♪ ♪ An excellent move by Homer. (cheering) A stout defense by Grampa. (cheering) Doesn't anyone want to watch the Super Bowl? Get lost! Homer has the win in hand. He merely needs to take Grampa's knight. Oh, he's going to be a new man. A new man, you hear me? Can I go? It's, like, 4:00 a.m. for me. Sure. Fine. Uh, who is that guy? Magnus Carlsen... my cousin. ♪ ♪ Homer: Isn't a father more important than a victory? I've never really known either. You resign?! Dad, Dad, it seems I love you. Can't you say it seems you love me, too? Aw... my son loves me. Now I can die in peace. Really? Hold your horses! (panting): Lisa! Stupid Lisa! I've got something to show you! I found Sunny! I don't want the hat anymore. What? You really don't have any choice in the matter. Here! I told you, the wound won't heal. Your best bet is to forget me and start fresh with Maggie. She likes raisins, Bart. Give her raisins. (groans) ♪ Wouldn't it be nice if we were older? ♪ ♪ Then we wouldn't have... ♪ He's trying to be nice. (sobbing) Now what's your problem? Oh, shut up! I forgive you! You forgive me? (stifling sobs) Yes. In the right hat, anything is possible. (both sigh) Why does everyone feel so good when I leave?! (grunts) (snarls) Ooh-hoo-hoo! This will come in handy. ♪ ♪ What's going on here? Bart and I are friends again. (chuckles) I do some of my best fathering when I'm not around. Hey, who are you? Oh, you'll find out. (chuckles) Listen, pal, I have plenty of demons. Get in line. How you doing? Drunk! Hey, I thought you were sloth. Sloths can be drunk. So we learned Bart has a conscience. Haw-haw! (singsongy): You have a conscience! (grunts) Closed set! My mom's dating your gaffer. Jack! Is that true? I'm... not proud of it. You seemed pretty proud when you ate all our ramen noodles. (Mozart's "Requiem" playing) Listen, I got to know. Do you chess guys get groupies? Homer, I wish you could stop. These Skypes aren't free. Yes, they are. I still don't want to talk to you.