Chapter Twenty-Three

Latin lover narrator: Hey, you guys. Welcome back. When Jane was young, her grandmother taught her to protect her flower. And so, Jane waited. Which wasn't always easy. This was Jane's fiancé Michael. He's a detective. Their life was perfectly on track until...

Oh, there you are, Dr. Alver.

You have an insemination in seven and a pap in eight.

I got it.

Latin lover narrator: She does not "got it."

Are you ready for your insemination?

Hi, yes!

I artificially inseminated the wrong woman.

Latin lover narrator: And the father to be? Rafael Solano, the rich owner of the Marbella Hotel. See, Rafael had cancer so it was his very last sperm sample... or so he thought. But guess what happened? Jane and Rafael, they fell in love. So, Jane broke up with Michael. And Rafael broke up with Petra. Until Rafael started spiraling and broke up with Jane... which for the record, he really regrets. Also full of regrets? Petra. See, she owns part of Rafael's hotel, but she doesn't have the one thing she really wants. Rafael. So, when this happened...

Diane: Your husband's sperm sample was split into two vials.

One was misplaced. We just found it.

She naturally took it herself. I know, straight out of a telenovela, right? Well, imagine this... Jane's father was international telenovela star Rogelio de la Vega. And he reconnected with her mother Xiomara. And remember Detective Michael? Well, he was on the hunt for Sin Rostro, a notorious crime boss who ran a plastic surgery ring, changing criminals' faces. And Sin Rostro turned out to be Rafael's stepmother Rose. And she disappeared and who knows what she looks like now? (whistling) I know, OMG, right? And speaking of OMG, Jane had her baby. A beautiful boy named Mateo, and then, this happened...

Bye, Mateo.

(whistling)

Which, I'm afraid, is where we left off.

(tires squealing)

To give some context, last night's episode of The Miracles of Mariana ended with quite the frightening cliffhanger.

Jane: Yeah, but, I just don't know if I can stomach all the ups and downs.

Then don't watch.

Of course I'm watching.

(theme song playing)

Did you make me... ?

(shushes)

(speaks Spanish)

Latin lover narrator: Jane would think about that theme song briefly when she was told the worst news ever. But that hasn't happened yet. You see, we're only...

Jane: Definitely not that one.

Wait, what's wrong with this one?

Well, he's got a hat on.

We got to send one out that shows his hair.

He's known for his hair.

He's known for his hair?

Well, he will be when we send out the birth announcement.

Hey, what are you two doing over there?

Nothing.

I agree.

Just discussing their drunken wedding night in Vegas.

Where's Mateo?

Matelio.

How long's the hearing test take anyway?

He's only been gone nine minutes.

You timed it?

We're on a nursing schedule.

You have to keep track.

When he eats, which boob, how long?

Mom, it's helpful.

Hey, there.

Hi.

I'm here to take Mateo for his hearing test.

Oh, another nurse took him.

Really? Who?

Helen, her name was.

There's no nurse in maternity named Helen.

It should be noted that moments before getting the call that would change everything, Michael was feeling... well, I'll be honest... a little blue.

You okay, buddy?

Oh, yeah.

Just, uh, I don't know, a little blue. (chuckles)

Yeah. Me, too.

I got passed over for a promotion.

Again.

Ah, that sucks.

My ex-fiancée was, uh, accidentally artificially inseminated with the sperm of this rich hotel owner, who she just happened to have a crush on in high school.

And they had their baby tonight, so...

Wow. You win.

(cell phone rings)

Hello.

Rose: Hello, Detective Cordero.

Rose?

Or Sin Rostro.

(chuckles): I always did love a good play on words.

Why are you calling?

Because I have something you want.

I want answers! That's what I want!

Where is our son?!

We don't know.

The baby's not in the hospital.

And I've just got word that surveillance tapes show the woman, the one Jane described...

According to his chart, he hasn't had his hearing test.

Oh, it was a full house earlier. I'm sorry.

No problem. I'll take him.

She's on surveillance leaving the building.

We've called the police and we've issued an AMBER Alert.

Rogelio: I'll retweet it.

Xiomara: Jane, honey?

Latin lover narrator: Which brings us here now, to that moment I mentioned, when Jane wished for a theme song. Something to tell her it would be all right. But there wasn't a theme song. There was only...

(cell phone ringing)

Michael?

Hey. Michael, someone took him.

Someone took Mateo.

Jane, I-I need you to listen to me for a second.

Are you listening?

What is happening?

Jane, listen, I need you to clear out the room.

I know who has Mateo and I know how to get him back.

(gasping)

Wait, Rose?

I don't understand.

What does she want?

Rose: Let's call it a trade.

I had a dragonfly broach.

Luisa took it when we last saw each other.

(moaning)

And it was of real value.

Apparently, it was logged into evidence at your police station.

Get it out and I'll give you Mateo.

Rafael: Do the police even do that?

Do they make trades?

It doesn't matter.

This can't be official. She said just me.

What?!

Look, following her instructions is the quickest, safest way to get Mateo back.

And that is all I want.

You know that's all I want.

I trust him, please.

Fine, but I am going with you.

Okay.

Me, too!

Wait, what?

No, you just gave birth.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm his mother.

And I have to feed him in 92 minutes.

So I'm not gonna just sit here and wait.

I'm going. End of story.

(theme song playing)

I'm just gonna need a hand out of bed.

Grab those wipes.

And-and grab that burp cloth.

Oh, and I need pants.

Hey, can you grab me that bag of, um, adult diapers?

All right, let's go!

(groaning)

81 minutes; Mateo has to eat in 81 minutes.

Just answer me... did you take the pin?

You don't have it?

You're not gonna get in trouble.

Did you take the pin?

We'll be right there.

Wait, where are we going?

Who has it?

Your sister.

Luisa?! (gasps)

Latin lover narrator: No, not Luisa!

Rafael: Luisa, calm down.

Ah, who am I kidding?

Where is the pin?

I w-went to get it and...

What's that, babe?

Oh, nothing.

The police just wanted something to do with Rose.

Your ex-girlfriend?

Um, it's some, like, evidence thing.

You kept a box of her stuff?

No!

Okay, yeah, but...

They-they were just cataloging so much, I didn't think that they would miss it.

You saved things from your psychopath ex-girlfriend?!

Okay, first of all, she's not a psychopath.

She's a sociopath.

Oh, my God!

You're still hung up on her!

No, Juicy, I swear, I'm not.

I'm really not.

Will you just please give that back?

No! No friggin' way!

Juicy! Juicy!

No!

Wait!

No!

Oh, no!

(moaning)

Oh!

(Jane sighs)

Latin lover narrator: Go. Go!

(gasps)

Guys, I got it!

(grunts) Come on!

Hurry up and get out of the pool!

Xiomara: She'll call.

The minute Jane has him, she'll call.

(phone chimes)

(gasps)

(sighs) Just Gloria Estefan.

She wants to know if there's anything she can do.

Give me the baby.

Latin lover narrator: Ah, yes. You remember Nadine, right?

Do you at least understand now why I went to work for her?

This, this is what she does, Michael.

She makes it so that you can't say no.

(baby fusses)

Give me Mateo.

Where's the pin?

Do you even want to know what's on the chip inside?

No.

All of the faces Sin Rostro changed... crime bosses, drug lords.

It's a record of what they looked like before and what they look like now.

Still want to trade?

Yes.

Huh.

Rose was right.

See, I wasn't so sure you would do it.

Oh, my God.

Oh! Go! Run!

Latin lover narrator: And so, Rafael ran.

(baby fussing)

And then, even though she shouldn't have been physically able to, Jane ran, too. Well, we'll call it running, that thing she's doing. The point is Jane made it to her son.

Oh, you're okay.

You're okay. Mommy's here.

Aww, and they all lived happily ever after. Well, except for Jane. And Rafael and Michael. And things are really screwed up with Luisa, and Xo and Ro, and don't get me started on Petra. Anyway, let's just enjoy this moment. Because it won't last.

It's okay.

Latin lover narrator: And so, Mateo Gloriano Rogelio Solano Villanueva had quite a dramatic first night, causing enough worry for a lifetime.

So he was gone 142 minutes...

A fact his mother would remind him when, at 16, he was nearly two hours late for his curfew.

Which is only 20 minutes from when I would have fed him.

But that's the distant future. Right now, Jane just wanted to hear two little words.

He looks great.

He's fine.

Oh!

That's what I was thinking, but "He looks great" works, too.

I'm sorry, I'm just so happy.

Doctor: So let's get him on the scale, huh?

Okay.

(squeals)

Okay, looks like he's six pounds and nine ounces.

Wait, what?

He was seven pounds when he was born.

Why would he lose weight?

Well, it can actually take babies up to two weeks to get back up to their birth weight, which is why I'm not too concerned.

Oh, you can get him now.

Okay, so you're not too concerned.

Does that mean that you're a little concerned?

Latin lover narrator: Observe Jane trying not to panic.

Well, that's about ten percent already, so it's at the outer limits of normal, but you're nursing.

So it's likely your milk just hasn't come in.

Should we get him a bottle, maybe?

No, I really want nursing to work.

No, I just mean in the meantime.

Bottles can get in the way.

It's a supply and demand thing.

The more the baby eats, the more she makes.

Look who was paying attention in lactation class.

Oh, right, the one he was too busy to come to.

There could also be nipple confusion.

Mom, now you're just showing off.

Observe Rafael trying to pretend he knows what nipple confusion is.

It means that Mateo can get confused between the bottle and the breast and the concern is that he would prefer the bottle.

Just try to contribute something, man.

Not if he's my son.

Ooh, not that.

So, how's the nursing been going?

I thought okay, just short.

He falls asleep pretty quickly.

Oh, you have to nip that in the bud.

Wake him up, wet washcloth to his cheeks and his feet.

Got it.

Is there anything else that you can think of off hand?

Maybe we can take another class together.

Mom, you were rolling your eyes the entire class.

No, not the whole time.

Let's go. I'm in.

Sounds like a plan. Let's weigh Mateo again in the next few days and see where he's at, okay?

Okay. But you're okay.

Armstrong: You know, it's a damn miracle.

A woman changing her mind, leaving the baby at a church like that.

Yeah, no kidding.

Anyway, I got to head out.

Yeah, one last thing.

Nadine Hanson's tracker was disabled last night.

One last thing, tell Nadine to toss her cell.

Can't help wondering if someone tipped her off on our side.

What are you implying?

You were partners. I have to ask.

I'm the one who planted that tracker.

You know how important catching Sin Rostro is to me.

Latin lover narrator: This was true, second only to...

Go home, shower. I'm just gonna go feed him.

And sleep.

She needs to sleep.

Look, we've got to try to get back to normal, right?

Yeah, right.

But it didn't feel right.

Mr. Solano.

Hi. Didn't expect to see you here so soon.

I'm not really here, Scott.

Just wrapping up some loose ends.

You know, Petra's taking care of that meeting with the bank.

Gotcha. So should I just wake her, then, or... ?

What?

Ah, yes, Petra.

Petra.

Petra? latin lover narrator: You know what? It's been a while since we last saw Petra. I should catch you up. Last night, after stealing her ex-husband's sperm, Petra did what any reasonable person would do. She drunk dialed her mother. After being hung up on three times by the North Miami-Dade Women's Correction Institution, Petra decided to make a pro-con list. Well, there was just the one. Uh-oh. Beer goggles.

Rafael: Come on, baby, you know you want me.

Petra!

(sighs)

What is this?

Rafael, wait...

You and Luisa have a meeting with the bank in an hour.

Obviously, I don't want my sister to talk...

Have you been drinking?

It's been an emotional night.

(clears throat)

How's your son?

He's... great.

Great.

I have the meeting under control, okay?

Anything else?

No.

Thank you, Petra.

I'll say this. The girl's got spunk.

Hey.

Why aren't you sleeping?

I'm not tired.

What if I hold him?

You think you'll be able to sleep then?

Yeah.

Mmm.

I'm not tired, Ma.

Ah.

(cries)

(whispers): Mi amor.

(sighs)

It's over, right, Mom?

Yes. It's over.

Totally over.

And so Jane closed her eyes, and for the first time since giving birth, she slept. For eight and a half minutes.

(distant clamoring)

Do you hear that?

I think I know that sound.

(gasps)

(indistinct clamoring)

Whoa...

(clamoring continues)

Okay, so maybe it's not totally over.

(clamoring)

Rogelio: I don't understand.

How did this happen?

Reporter (on TV): It all began when international telenovela star Rogelio de la Vega retweeted an AMBER Alert that his grandchild was kidnapped.

He then tweeted the baby's safe return.

From there, the story got really #Crazy.

See, when you Google the name Jane Villanueva, this comes up.

Oh, no.

Could this be a modern-day miracle?

No!

Yes.

She was a teacher in our school.

And you exploited me!

And we believed in her.

Especially when things started happening.

Things? What things? I have no idea.

We tried to get pregnant for seven years.

I'm not sure.

And then I hugged Jane.

No...

We're due in three months.

Ever heard of a coincidence, lady?

Abuela! (growls)

Reporter: And it gets stranger. Apparently, Jane went into labor on the 125 bus line.

Let's meet the woman who assisted her, the angel, Gabriel.

It's Gabrielle.

All right.

Can you tell us anything about this miraculous ride?

I don't know if it was miraculous.

Yes, exactly. Thank you, Gabriel. Gabrielle!

Reporter: But some might disagree.

I actually saw the baby.

What the hell? It should say "Slutty Crystal."

My mistake.

I was coming out of my car this morning...

Translation: she was having sweaty car s*x so her mom wouldn't know she was back with Dumbass Donny.

And Jane was holding the baby, and, I swear, he had this... glow.

Okay, okay, enough, enough!

(sighs) What am I gonna do?

Jane, I've been dealing with the press for many years.

Let me help.

Okay.

But first, do you want to shut it down or do a tour of the morning shows and turn this into a book deal?

Dad, I want to shut it down.

That's what I assumed.

So we should release a straightforward statement, emphasizing the fact that this was a medical mistake.

(clamoring intensifies)

Oh, good. Rafael's right on time for lactation class.

Man: Are you the father?!

What the hell is going on?

It's crazy. Oh!

Oh, my God. Logan just said we were on TV!

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, hi, Jane. How are you?

Selfie!

♪ BabyMateo, ♪ Miracle, ♪ SecondComing.

You have three tags trending...

It's outrageous.

Rogelio: Girls! Stop it! Enough!

Stop it, stop it, stop it, girls, stop it.

Okay, come in.

I don't even know how I'll get out of here to go to the class.

I mean, they'll probably follow us.

Rogelio: They will definitely follow you.

But don't worry.

I know how to evade the paparazzi.

Latin lover narrator: And to give him credit, he did. Which brings us here.

Hey, Jane.

What's going on?

Well, uh, Mateo falls asleep when he's nursing.

And he just lost so much weight in the first day.

Exactly like mine.

It was an issue with her latch.

Move into the sun a little bit.

Indirect sunlight is good for them in the first days.

Oh, okay.

Thank you so much.

I was also wondering... does, um, trauma affect milk supply?

Definitely.

Milk can come in later for mommies who've had C-sections.

How about mommies who've had kidnappings?

Don't worry.

We'll figure it out.

Now, let me see your breasts.

Hmm.

We're not shy here.

Oh, no, me neither.

Okay... then...

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Huh.

We'll fix it.

Pick up the baby, and when he opens wide, I'm gonna stuff your breast into his mouth like a hamburger, okay?

Uh, let's give her some privacy.

Rafael: Thanks again for the police escort.

Oh, no problem.

I think that's what Rogelio thinks I do all day is drive around celebrities.

(chuckles)

Actually, I'm gonna wait in the car.

Hey, can I... can I ask you something?

You know what? I'm gonna bust in here and translate for Michael.

Sure.

How did you deal with how close they all are?

You know, the Villanueva women.

Meaning?

I could just kind of use some advice.

Oh, wow.

It's just I'm having a hard time finding that moment to assert myself.

With the baby, you know?

I mean, it's my kid, too.

And I'm kind of feeling like it's hard to get in there.

You know?

Okay, a quick rundown of Michael's options. And he chose...

Any other option, seriously.

I mean, if she would have just chosen any other option...

I'm sorry. (scoffs)

Are you actually blaming the banker for your behavior at the meeting?

So can we get you something to drink?

Just a juice.

Juice.

Juicy.

I'm sorry, I'm having trouble with my girlfriend.

Okay, we're done here.

Now, on to important stuff. The sperm.

Scott?

Scott: Yeah?

I had a little shopping bag... small, blue.

Oh, yeah, the baby present.

I put it up in Mr. Solano's penthouse for you.

I believe the words you're looking for are, "Oh, crap."

Latin lover narrator: Ah, yes. You'll recall, we left Petra on the hunt for a metallic canister filled with her ex-husband's last semen sample.

Hello?

Hmm, where could it be? Ooh, the baby nursery.

(baby crying)

What's wrong?

You just ate, and we straightened out the latch.

Michael: Well, there's still about 25 people out there.

They know if they step on this property, I arrest them for trespassing.

(men chanting)

What is that?

Got to be kidding me.

Rogelio: They will go away.

Eventually.

Latin lover narrator: Things do, after all, go away.

A cupcake?

I had the OB write down the s*x.

So blue inside, it's a boy.

Pink, it's a girl.

Really?

Yeah, it's cheesy, okay?

I know, I'm hormonal, so I...

Hey.

I love it.

Ready?

Yeah.

Does that look like blue or pink to you?

It looks... purple.

Purple.

(laughing)

Great.

Latin lover narrator: Hurry up, Petra. Wait, why am I rooting for her?

(elevator bell dings)

(shouts)

Petra.

What are you doing here?

I'm looking for you, actually.

Well, part of you, anyway.

To tell you that your sister was a disaster in the meeting.

She cried.

My purse, please.

Luisa: Hey, Raf.

You cried? Seriously?

I needed that loan so I could afford to buy Petra out.

You knew that.

You knew I've been doing everything to try to get her on my side.

Flirting even.

But you are so selfish that you don't...

Look, I'm sorry.

You know what?

I don't even know why I'm surprised anymore.

(sighs heavily)

Hey.

You okay?

You know me so well.

Yeah, plus you were sighing pretty loud, so...

I did this.

I brought the paparazzi upon her, Michael.

If I hadn't retweeted that AMBER Alert...

I never thought I'd feel anything but #Blessed to be famous.

But now I'm feeling #Cursed.

From my standpoint...

As resident Villanueva expert?

As a cop, you did everything right.

Nine out of ten times, that AMBER Alert would have really helped us out.

But I just feel so impotent, Michael.

Not in a sexual way, but in a paternal way.

Yeah, yeah.

That kind of makes sense, you know?

Is it like... Jane's going through so much, you just don't know how to help her?

Exactly.

In the last 24 hours, I have ruined multiple celebrity friendships by tweeting their dirty secrets in an effort to distract the press.

It has not worked.

You know what, no more tweeting.

'Cause tweeting is not gonna help Jane right now.

So think smaller.

Less celebrity stuff, more grandfather...

(groans)

Abuelo.

Do you have a name in mind?

Papa.

Nice, ambiguous.

Nice.

Okay, so think Papa stuff.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

All right, okay.

Xiomara: He's eating again?

Yeah, he must not have gotten enough.

Why don't we just give him one bottle?

No, I don't want to.

But, baby, you're exhausted.

You haven't slept in 48 hours.

I'm his mom.

I have to stay strong.

Mothers don't always have to be strong.

Hon.

I'm sorry.

Just think I'm a little overwhelmed.

And I'd be okay, if I knew it was working, but he just keeps crying, like he's hungry.

Look, I get all the great reasons to nurse, but if it isn't working...

But I have to make it work.

It can't be my trauma getting in the way.

Why? Because what happened is my fault.

I mean, my maternal instincts, where were they?

I just gave him to the nurse.

Baby... she was wearing a uniform.

She said he needed a hearing test.

But I should've known.

And I didn't.

And I know it doesn't make sense, but I just want to be able to do this for him.

I just want to be able to do this one good thing.

Latin lover narrator: And even though Xo agreed, it really didn't make any sense, she too wanted to do something good for her child.

How can I help?

When he opens his mouth, will you stuff my boob in it like it's a hamburger?

Honey, I am all over it.

And it should be noted, she was.

(baby crying)

And then she was again.

And... stuff.

And yet... again.

And stuff.

Rafael: Is everything okay?

We don't know.

He's nursing every 30 minutes.

I must be doing something wrong.

Maybe he's cluster feeding.

Which brings us back, here. Come on, did you doubt Michael? He's a mensch.

Get a book and read it so you know what you're talking about.

Then wait for the right moment, when she doesn't know and her mom doesn't know, and even Abuela is stumped, that's when you come in with the save.

Cluster feeding. Uh, it's like when a baby eats and eats before the mature milk comes in.

I read it here.

My milk is coming in.

Oh, my God, my milk is coming in!

(laughing) Your milk is coming in!

Nice work.

Yes. Family fist bump.

Family fist bump.

Look who's cluster feeding?

Yeah? And pooping.

Latin lover narrator: Papa time.

I insist on changing his diaper.

I just need someone to tell me exactly how to do it.

I'll help.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh...

His first smile.

Oh, how sweet... the way that none of them told him it was just gas.

Okay, so I should take off.

Uh, wait.

I just wanted to thank you.

You know, for your advice earlier.

Aw, he's a mensch, too.

No problem.

What advise?

I was just having a little trouble figuring out my place, you know, with your family.

Oh?

It's just, you guys are all so close, you know?

No, I get that.

Rafael: And I know we are trying to get back to normal, but it's not normal what happened.

Yeah, you're right. And plus, we didn't even discuss what our normal would be and even if we did, I don't know if it would count, because how do you know how you feel unless you're here?

How do you feel?

Like I don't want to be away from Mateo.

So, do you want to stay over?

Like, for... like the first couple weeks?

Wow.

I was angling for, like, a 6:00 a.m. in, 11:00 p.m. out.

What?

Yes.

Great.

Great.

Dude, options two and three were just sitting there.

(phone swooshes)

Oh, I, uh, still have Rogelio's phone.

What?

Someone tweeted a photo.

Oh, God, of Mateo?

Woman: Move into the sun a little bit.

Indirect sunlight is good for them in the first days.

Latin lover narrator: Let it be known that any doubts about her maternal instincts shattered at this moment, and Jane had one thought and one thought only.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, Jane, where are you going?

To shut this down.

Wait, how?

I have no idea.

(crowd clamoring)

And that's when it hit her... a beam of divine inspiration. Okay, honestly, the beam was just a reflection coming off Slutty Crystal's compact, but was that just luck or divine providence? Well, that's for theologians to debate. But the fact remained that if her makeup wasn't smudged from sweaty car s*x, Crystal wouldn't have had to fix it. And the light wouldn't have shown, providing the answer to Jane's problem.

Jane, hello.

Sister Margaret?

Here's the thing.

I didn't want to come out here before, 'cause the truth is I've had s*x.

A lot.

In cars even.

I just didn't want my grandma to know, but with all this, I decided to tell her the truth.

So, now I'm telling you.

I don't believe you.

Well, ll's true.

And regardless, do you want to be involved in a public debate about my virginity?

I mean, doesn't that sound archaic?

What?

Oh, my God!

I'm leaking milk!

Actually leaking!

You want to see a miracle?

This is a friggin' miracle!

(whoops) Look at this!

Look at this!

Petra: It's really over.

And I don't want it to be.

And I, I just, I feel like...

I don't know, I think, I think maybe I just feel a little lonely.

You know?

I am so sorry, sweetheart, that things are so difficult for you.

Mm, that's life.

At times, you have to let go of the peoples you love.

Now, do the reasonable thing.

Sell Rafael's sperm back to him.

I'm not selling it, Mother.

Your choice.

Just move on.

Latin lover narrator: Which for the record, she was trying to do when...

Hey, I want to schedule a makeup meeting with the bankers.

My brother's mad at me and I just...

You okay?

Please, stop pretending to my friend, Luisa.

I heard you the other night talking to Rafael, okay?

I mean, I feel a little bad about manipulating Petra, but I have a family now with Jane.

And you walked away?

Yes, of course, I walked away.

And was it divine providence that these two met at this moment...

Then you missed Raf saying how he had no choice.

Jane insisted.

When Luisa was determined to find some way to help her brother with his Petra situation.

And then, I asked him, point blank... if all things were even who he wished he was with.

What did he say?

Well again, that's for theologians to debate. But the fact remains... the following events did exactly transpire.

He got mad at me, actually.

Because if I hadn't screwed up in the first place, then none of this would be happening, which... it's true.

I mean, that should have been your baby.

Thank you.

What?

The baker says it's a boy!

It's a boy? It's a boy.

It's a boy?!

(laughing)

You're right.

It should have been my baby.

To be fair: Luisa didn't know Petra had Rafael's sperm.

There's still a chance with you and Raf.

I swear.

And so it was that after a quick Google search, and some pointers from fertilitygoddess1345...

(doorbell rings)

A sandwich and the extra turkey baster?

Perfect. Thank you.

Petra decideth... to go for it.

♪ ♪

Doctor: Okay, it looks like Mateo is... seven pounds and two ounces.

What?!

That's better than before.

(laughing)

We hug now, right?

Yes.

(sighs)

And I'm impressed. Good job.

(happy squeal)

Go-go tell your mom.

Okay.

Better than before?

Yes! Okay, I'm going back in.

(laughs)

(panting)

(sighs, panting)

Yeah, I think I'm just overwhelmed.

Mm.

(sighs)

I've just been so worried about her.

So... I think there's something I should tell you and Jane... now that everything's okay.

By the power vested in me by the state of Nevada and the goddess Cher, who is with us here in spirit, I now pronounce you man and wife.

(applause and cheering)

You got married? By a Cher impersonator?

Latin lover narrator: ♪ Oh, if they could turn back time. ♪

It was obviously a mistake.

We're getting it annulled.

Abuela!

Ma!

(laughing)

¿Qué?

(laughter)

Morning, boss.

It's not a good time, Scott.

Oh, I'll be quick.

I just wanted to discuss the fact that you stole Mr. Solano's sperm?

Latin lover narrator: Oh, Petra. You thought you got off scot-free.

(smacks his lips)

Home, huh?

Just wanted to make sure there were no more crazy people around.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I haven't had a chance to say thank you.

For... I don't know.

How do you say... for everything?

For everything.

Oh, of course.

You know... anything.

All in a day's work for our Villanueva family advisor.

So, you know Rafael's staying over.

Oh, I know.

No, but, like, just as the baby's father.

Huh? You don't tell that to an advisor.

That was weird. I don't even know why I'm telling you that.

But Michael knew exactly why.

No.

I just wanted to try some skin-to-skin contact.

What?

Well, it helps babies bond with their dads.

It's, uh, chapter 12 in the book.

Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah, I read that.

It was a really cool chapter.

So I should probably go to sleep.

I have to be up in, um...

121 minutes.

(laughs) Okay.

Good night.

Night.

(baby coos softly)

This is a little weird.

Yeah, but it was always gonna be weird.

True.

And it's actually kind of... regular weird.

Which is good?

Yeah. It's really good.

And so it was. For now. Oh, wait, I forgot one thing.

(beeps)

Latin lover narrator: I could really use some "it's-going-to-be-okay" theme music right about now.