Our Very First Show

[After Claire leaves, the girls are very sad, so Danny tries to lift their spirits.]

Danny: Okay! Are we gonna have fun, or what? Hey, hey, hey! Let's see some smiles. Everything is gonna work out super great. Your uncle Jesse's moving in. My best friend Joey is moving in. And you know what? That means you two are gonna get to be roommates. Isn't that exciting?

Stephanie: I can wear all of D.J.'s clothes!

D.J.: Do I have to share my room with her?

Danny: Honey, it's gonna be just like having a slumber party.

D.J.: Yeah, with only one guest... who never leaves!

[Then enters...]

Jesse: Hey, hey, look alive! Uncle Jesse's here!

D.J. & Stephanie: Uncle Jesse!

Jesse: [imitating the girls] Uncle Jesse! [normal voice] All right! Hello! D.J., how you doing? That tooth come in yet?

D.J.: Nah.

Jesse: That's okay. One less to brush.

[Joey enters the living room carrying a bundle of laundry as he makes a trumpet fanfare sound.]

D.J.: Hi, Joey.

Joey: Hi, gang.

Danny: Oh, Joey, buddy, this is the best; you're moving in! [He hugs Joey and takes his bundle of clothes at the same time.]

Joey: Thanks, Danny. This works out so perfect. I move into a place with a washing machine on the exact day I run out of clean clothes. [Danny confirms that by quickly dropping the dirty laundry on the floor.] Jesse, long time no see. Now be honest. Did you ever think we'd end up being roommates?

Jesse: Not once.

Joey: I love this guy. [He walks over to his 'room'.] Danny, there's no way all my stuff will fit into a room this tiny.

Danny: Joey, this is not a tiny room. This is a large alcove. In fact, this is a large alcove that you're living in for free.

Joey: You know, now that I take a close look at it, it's [echoing] enormous... ‘normous... ‘normous... [to the girls] We are gonna have so much fun. Aren't we, kids? [He does the Popeye laugh.]

D.J.: [to Danny] You think we can catch grandma at the airport?

[Danny shows Jesse his new room.]

Danny: Nice, huh? Roomy. Not overly masculine?

Jesse: Oh golly, it's swell. You know what would look great by the window? Barbie's Dream House.

Danny: We've got one. Look, Jesse, I just want you to know that having you and Joey here... really means a lot to me. Just knowing somebody's here who cares about the girls. You know, they're so happy you're here. Oh, God bless you! [He hugs his brother-in-law.]

Jesse: You're hugging me in a room with pink bunnies.

Danny: I'm sorry. I'm an emotional guy.

Jesse: It's all right.

Danny: Okay, let's face it. I'm a lean, mean, hugging machine.

Jesse: Okay. Danny, listen... Pam was my big sister. And I loved her very much. And I love your kids. And I'm happy to do what I can. [Danny hugs him again.] Aah, you're hugging me again. Now listen; you and me, we'll sit down. We'll set aside a special time for hugging. But not now. [He opens the closet, and can't believe the arrangement of the clothes-racks.] Oh, great. I live in Webster's room (see Trivia).

[In D.J. and Stephanie's new room, D.J. explains two simple rules for her new roommate.]

D.J.: [rolling out crime-scene like tape from the window] Rule #1: Never touch my stuff. You should be taking notes. Rule #2: [clips the other end of the tape to an easel] Never set foot on my half of the room.

Stephanie: How do I get out of here?

D.J.: Easy. You jump out the window and climb down the tree.

Stephanie: I don't think so.

D.J.: Suit yourself.

Stephanie: I'll find a way out.

[She climbs up to the window rod and climbs all the way across until she reaches D.J.'s side. D.J. opens the window to send Stephanie all the way back to her own side, just as Danny and Joey enter.]

Danny: Stephanie, what are you doing?

Stephanie: Just hanging around.

[In Michelle's room, the guys try to get her to stop crying.]

Joey: [in a baby voice] Oh, Michelle, little baby-waby. What's the matter? Uncle Jesse, what are we gonna do?

Jesse: First, we stop talking like a munchkin.

[Jesse and Joey head downstairs, and as they watch where they're going...]

Joey & Jesse: Step one, step two, step one, step two, step one, step two, step one, step two.

Jesse: Okay, keep her coming [as they go into the kitchen].

Stephanie: Showtime! [She heads into the kitchen to watch them change Michelle's diaper.]

[In the kitchen, Jesse and Joey are changing Michelle's diaper.]

Jesse: Joey, strip her. All right. Careful, there. You're in control. All right. Slide it off and... [realizing how soiled and stinky the diaper is] ugh! [Joey grabs a knife, stabs the diaper, quickly puts it in a bowl, and covers it with the lid.] Good thinking, Joey. Keep it fresh.

[In the front room, there is a mess after the diaper changing and feeding fiascos.]

Danny: Hey guys, how'd it go today with -? Whoa! What happened? What's with all the dirty baby clothes?

Joey: I'm sorry, but every time we fed her, she'd drool or dribble or spit up.

Jesse: Your baby's a pig.

[Stephanie wants to play "ballerina", but Jesse asks her to go play with D.J.]

Stephanie: I can't. She moved out.

Danny: Stephanie, honey, what do you mean, 'She moved out'?

Stephanie: She's gone. She rolled up her crepe paper and took off.

Danny: Okay, everybody, follow me.

[They head upstairs and find all her things are gone and the closet and drawers are open. Danny gives the 'you're-gonna-get-it' look to Jesse and Joey.]

[After the break...]

Danny: You lost my daughter?! I went to work for seven hours, and you lost 33 percent of my children? Joey, call the police. Jesse, search the neighborhood. I'm gonna call up D.J.'s friends.

Stephanie: And I'll go get D.J.

Danny: Stephanie, honey.

Stephanie: Yes, daddy?

Danny: Sweetheart, do you know where D.J. is?

Stephanie: Uh-huh.

Danny: Why didn't you say something sooner?

Stephanie: Nobody asked me.

[In the garage, we see D.J. talking on the phone.]

Danny: D.J., can I talk to you?

D.J.: Kimmy, hang on. [to her dad] I'm talking to Kimmy Gibbler. She called me on her own phone from her own room. She has three sisters.

Danny: D.J., you don't wanna live in the garage. It's filthy, it's stuffy--

D.J.: You want some fresh air? [She picks up the remote control and hits the button. The garage door opens up.]

Danny: [sternly] Donna Jo, I want you back inside right now, this instant. [calmly] Is that okay?

D.J.: No, thank you, Dad. [back to her phone call] So, Kimmy, where were we?

Jesse: Nice job, Dad. Been reading Cosby's book (see Trivia)?

Joey: Cosby? I'll handle this. [imitating Bill Cosby] Hello there, small childlike person. Mmha... ha... ha... If you move back into the house, you can have a big, juicy bowl of Jell-O. Mmha... ha... ha... ha... ha... ha.

D.J.: [regarding Joey's impression] No, Kimmy, that's not really him. I'll call you later. [She hangs up.]

Jesse: [regarding the offer to get D.J. to move back into the house] A buck? You went down a buck?!

[Jesse gets D.J. to move back in.]

Jesse: [running over and covering Stephanie's ears, then saying to Danny:] What the hell did you do with Vanessa?!

Danny: I didn't do anything with her. I just told her, with three little girls in the house, I thought it'd be better if she slept on the couch... and she left.

Jesse: You hate me, don't you?

[D.J. walks through the living room.]

Danny: D.J.

Jesse: [to D.J.] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Vanessa's gone. Deal's off. I want my money back.

Danny: What money?

D.J.: The money Uncle Jesse paid me to move back in.

Danny: That's your special way with children? You buy them off?!

Jesse: It works. [to D.J.] Kid, money. [She gives it back.]

[In the kitchen...]

Danny: D.J., honey, I can’t let you have a garage sale.

D.J.: What if I give you ten percent of the profits?

Danny: D.J., come here. Can’t you just try sharing a room with your sister? [She refuses to answer.] Your mom was always so good at this stuff. I’d come home from work, and everything was always perfect. D.J., how would Mom have handled this?

D.J.: She would have caught me before I moved into the garage. Mom knew everything I did before I did it. [She's on the verge of tears.]

Danny: What is it, honey?

D.J.: It’s just not fair! First, I lose my mom. Then Grandma leaves. And now I even lose my own room? Everything keeps disappearing.

Danny: [on the verge of tears himself] I know exactly how you feel. And I know how much you girls miss your mother – because I miss her too... very much. But you still got me.

Stephanie: You got me, too.

Danny: You got Michelle, and you have your Uncle Jesse and Joey. D.J., we’re still a family. And now is when we really need to stick together. [D.J. is silent.] D.J., you and I, we go back a long time – ten years. The ten happiest years of my life. So look, it’s up to you. Either you move back inside, or all five of us are moving into the garage. But nothing is gonna break up this team.