Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star

Morning, Gordon. Nice day, huh? Hurry up, Bucky. Jeez, slow poke. I'm going as fast as I can, Clint. No fooling. I see you're trying the Cool Ranch Doritos today. You spoke so highly of them, I figured I'd give them a whirl. They should be their own food group. No fooling, they're that good. Tell her your life story, why don't you? No, I was just commenting on the Doritos. Are you sassing me? No, no, he was just-- He don't need a lawyer, Mrs. Bozobop. Come on. Let's get on. The way we've been meaning to get on ever since you started bagging here. You hit me in the eye! What? No, Clint, you hit yourself. I saw you. You've gone loony. You get out of here. You're fired. - Fired? - Yeah. Go on! I'm so sorry I got you in trouble, Bucky. I shouldn't have distracted you from your job. Mrs. Bozobop, this has nothing to do with you. It is an honor to have you as my last bag. And I meant what I said about the Cool Ranch. They're so good.... Oh, listen to me, Bucky. Don't let these people get you down. I can feel it in my bones. You're destined for greatness. Oh, jeez, Bucky. I haven't seen you this down since they cancelled Jericho. You know, that Clint guy is just a little off. I was repairing the soles of his loafers, and I'm not Lying... ...he's got six toes. - Now, get right out of town. - No joke. No. I saw the outline right there in the shoe. I think his dad was some sort of an amphibian. Jeremiah, shame on you! Pop, you had me going real good there. - He sure did. - See, you're feeling better already, hon. I bet it's that new haircut. I've been getting a lot of compliments on it. Thanks, Mom. Oh, don't thank me. Thank the bowl. Mrs. Bozobop said I look like Brad Pitt. Yeah, you do look like kind of the Legends of the Fall... ...with the hair working there. What do you say we adjourn to the living room... - ...and play some Yahtzee? - That's a good idea. Oh, actually.... Mom, I'm gonna go over to Dale's tonight. Okay, I just thought you loved the Yahtz. I do. It's just Rory said they've got some movie... ...that will turn my frown upside down. Yeah, you know, it's good to have friends when times are tough. I want you to wear your bright sneakers... ...so the cars can see you. Already on, Pop. Look at him dancing. Like a rapper. Here he comes. We gotta cheer him up. - Hi, Buck. - Hey, what's the word, Big Bird? Hey, Dale, what is that, a robot head? I wish. It's my parents' old projector. We used to watch home movies on it. But tonight, we're gonna use it to watch nude movies. - Nude? - A skin-filmer. One of those movies you can play with your business to. Play with your busi.... Business what? Don't you twang your wang? If that means washing my ween, then yeah, it's an every-dayer. You know, "Up, down, all around, do it again if I see some brown." No, it means rubbing your skin flute... ...after it gets stiff from seeing a pair of love balloons. Nope. Can't say I've done that. - You are fibbing! - No way! Jeez, Bucky, I build my day around the whack. I get in a breakfast flapjack, a nooner... ...an after-lunch, pre-nap slap, a post-work, traffic-jam slam... ...a pre-dinner spinner, an after-dinner dink... ...a dog-walk leash-pull... ...and then I round it out with a midnight snack-whack... ...if my folks are asleep. Sometimes I do it at the dinner table. I'm not gonna lie, Bucky. I've been choking the bald man... ...the whole time Lars was telling you his pud-pulling schedule. Pocket patty-cake! Jeez. You guys spend a lot of time on this. Is it really that fun? Better than "Donkey Kong." Now, get right out of town. Okay. So how do you do it, this.... What is it, whacking? It's a breeze. We'll walk you through it, step by step. We'll even kill the lights, So you can have your privacy. But you know what? We'll put on the old Billy Squier black light... ...so you can see your business. Jeez, guys, thanks a lot for helping me out here. Hey, we wouldn't be your friends if we didn't. Now, jump in the big bean. All right. Now you're gonna see some sexy stuff in the movie. Stuff that's gonna inflate your fun-tool. Like hot-buttered yaboes. I got a feeling this is gonna be a doozy. So pop a button and go ankles on your trousers. You're gonna wanna be ready, Bucky. We should put down a tarp. Could be a flood when he blows. Just finished baling the hay. Need me to put the pitchfork anywhere else? How's it going up there, Bucky? Not sure. I'm catching some air off my wrinkle-bag. - Is that what we're looking for? - One hundred percent, Bucky. That's called liftoff. Okay. Bucky, grab your joystick. The game's about to begin. - Okay, one hand or two? - No, just the one. Keep your other hand free... ...in case you wanna tap on your dirt button. Okay. Forget your dirt button! Just ice-pick it, Bucky! Grab at it and really go to town! Up and down, like a pogo stick! Am I doing It now? Am I a whacker? You're a whacking machine! Is that who I think it is? How does that feel? You know, that's got a real kick to it, hon. Just like a donkey. That's your folks. One hundred percent. By golly. Oh, my! Jeez, that's weird. That's my folks. On the big screen. I think that's pretty dang cool, Bucky. Hi, Buck. I knew you couldn't resist the Yahtzee. So you finished the movie already? I bet acting is fun. But it's gotta be weird having a camera pointed at you... ...don't you think, Pop? Probably not that weird. I bet you couldn't do it. Oh, I bet you I could. I bet you couldn't... ...if you're nude! Jim Spraysium and Rosie Bush! How'd you know about that? I saw it. I didn't even know you were a farmer, Pop. We were gonna tell you on your 50th birthday... ...but I guess you stumbled on it early. - You made all of these? - Sure did. - Eighty-six, to be exact. - Jeez. I mean.... How the heck did you get into it? Well... ...one day, your mother says, "I wanna see the ocean." Sol rented a van and, well, we went out there to California. Anyway, we're taking a walk on the beach. So we threw down a beach towel... ...and we start a pretty mean session of kissy-face. And then, out of nowhere, an older gentleman comes up... ...and says we look good smooching. And he said he made movies about people doing the stuff... - ...that we were doing. - Yeah... ...and he said that we had a natural look and technique. He said it was our destiny. When someone says it's your destiny, you listen up. Old Mrs. Bozobop said I had a destiny earlier. Well, sure you do. Everybody does, Bucky. Yeah, but this is it. What's it? This is why I was fired. This is my destiny. I was born to be a star. Oh, I don't know about that, Bucky. I mean, it's not an easy life. It's filled with long days and lots of chafing. I ain't afraid of chafing. I ain't afraid of nothing. I'm gonna go to California and I'm gonna be a star on the silver screen. I'm the son of two movie stars. That's like a super-duper movie star. - Buck! - No. Let him go, dear. I love you so much. I'm gonna call you right when I get there, I promise. - You better. - All right. - All right, son. - Bye. There goes our boy, Jeremiah. Give them heck, son! No way. Pop. - Take care. - Be safe, Bucky. Bye, Piggies. Hey, how are you? We don't sell kiddie porn, man. Oh, I'm allergic to cats. Self-service, pal. Don't see what you want, just do some laps... - ...until something gives you a boner. - No, I don't wanna buy a movie. I wanna be in one. Let's go. We just sell the porn. If you wanna make it, you have to go to the Valley. No way. Is that far? We just-- The bus went through a valley in Colorado. Was that it? - Did I miss it? - No. Just go over the hill. Take Laurel Canyon. All right, good. Thanks. How are you doing? All right. It's hot out. Fart in my mouth! Fart in my mouth! Fart in my mouth! Fart in my mouth! Hi, how are you? Yeah, good day. Yeah, good day to you. All right. Hi, all right. Hey, what's your soup today? Split pea with rice and broccoli. That sounds good. I'll have a bowl of that. And some braces? And maybe a haircut? And a new shirt? God. Kathy, I'm going on break. Bring a bowl of soup to Bugs Bunny at the counter. Marge, you just went on break. I'll get that soup over to you right away. My name's Kathy, by the way... ...so if you need anything, just holler. Okay. I'm Hucky. Boiler at me if you need spazzing. Okay. I need you to clean up the bathrooms. Oh, it's Marge's night to clean the bathrooms. Marge had to leave sick. Why are you being so difficult? Marge has a hard life. Marge has got hairy ears just like a tarantula. And she's ugly as shit. Show some compassion, would you? Okay. I didn't know we had rats over here. Do you want me to clean the bathrooms for you? I can. No, it's sweet of you to offer, but I can do it. All right. Let me know. I love that accent. - Are you from the Midwest? - Yeah! Iowa. Good guess. Are you here on vacation... ...or did you come here to become a movie star? A movie star. Do you have mind powers? No, just root-beer-float powers. Hey - I have a question. - Okay. Are there any stars here? Because it says "Tony's Famous Diner" on the sign... ...but I haven't recognized anyone. Yeah. Play it cool. I'm not supposed to say this... ...but the guy behind you, on your left... ...was Chewbacca in Star Wars. - What? He was Chewbacca? - Yes. I love Star Wars. - On my left? - Yeah. Oh, my God. He looks just like him. Midwest, what are you doing in there? Munching on this chocolate Frisbee, doing some Mad Libs. I see that. Why are you doing it in the bushes? I actually thought I'd setup camp in here tonight. It's actually kind of warm. You don't have any place to stay? No. I just got to town, so I don't really know anybody yet. But it's fine. I was a Cub Scout, so I can make do. Bucky, get out of the bushes. Come on, it's not a nice neighborhood. There's a guy at my apartment building who's been looking for a roommate. Let's go see if the room's still available. And, you know, if not, we've got much nicer bushes. All right, sounds like a plan. So you live here your whole life? No, I grew up in New Jersey. I moved here after high school. You went to high school? - Yeah, you didn't go? - No, my town didn't have one. So, what kind of movies you wanna do? Comedy, drama? Nude. So comedy. No, full-on nude. My folks did it. Cross my heart. Well, that's awesome. Awesome. - Thanks. - Here we are. Home, sweet home. Your bushes are super nice. Yeah, they're nice. I hope he's still awake. It is kind of late. Hey, Gary, I'm sorry to bother you. I wanted to see if you have that room for rent. So are we gonna do this or not? Yeah. Yeah. Well, you can tell him that Gary said to eat my shit. Yeah, totally. You wanna move your stuff in tonight? No. No, it's not for me. It's for my friend Bucky here. I'm still up In 44. How are you doing? Bucky Larson. What line of work are you in? I'm here to be a movie star. My last roommate came here to be a rock star then skipped town, that fuck. Owes me three months rent. Fuck you, John Mayer. Wait, no. I got the dough. I'm good for it. - Can you excuse us for a minute? - Yeah, sure. And don't leave. I'd like to say goodbye. Okay. Look, I don't know you and I don't know Kathy. I've seen her in the laundry room a few times... ...but that doesn't mean I trust her. I trust her tits. Okay. I'm gonna let you have the room because I know you got cash. And I know I could pound those woodcutters down your throat. Why are you being weird about that? - I'm not. It's fine. Whatever you want. - Yeah, no fucking shit. You can have the bathroom off the hallway. Don't use the one in my room. That's my private sanctuary. - Roommates? - Yeah, roommates. - Good. - Great seeing you again, Kathy... ...and if you ever wanna hang out by the pool, let me know. Okay. - Good night, Bucky. - Good night, Kathy. All right. I could do this all day, bird... ...but I gotta go and take this town by the antlers. What the fuck? - I'm sorry. - Shut the door! You said this was my bathroom. It is! But I shit here! I can't shit where I shower! Shut the fucking door! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You better not be a psycho! Sorry. We got a new intern out here at our office. Bucky. Why are you brushing your teeth in the pool? There's a problem with my bathroom. There's gonna be a problem in your stomach... ...if you keep using that water. - Thanks for the warning. - Yeah. I'm off to work. Good luck being nude today. Okay. Say hi to Chewbacca. Okay. Free snake? No, thanks. "Actors wanted. Open call audition." Bucky Larson. This is Bucky Larson. Do you have a headshot? Like a shot of my head or what? Yeah. Yeah, wait. I got a picture here of me. That's me on the left. You can just fold it and get the head part. Your accent's awesome, man. I like the Midwest choice. And that vest is amazing. Oh, thanks. My mom made it for me. This isn't a proper headshot. Who cares? Come on, this guy's great. Don't be such a buzz-kill. Are you familiar with Redondi Mac and Cheese? Oh, Yeah. That's my favorite. My mom makes it every Tuesday for Boggle night. I love your slogan. Eat Redondi Fill your belly Monday through Sunday That's perfect. My name is Claudio and I'll be directing this commercial. We're gonna put you on tape. - Did you get to peep the script? - Peep? Peep? Screw it. We'll do a cold read. You're a pro. Owen, press record. And Bucky, go for it. Okay. - Holy shit! - Fuck, man, what are you doing? No, no, no! Did I whack it right? - Stop the camera! Stop it! - Oh, my God. Oh, my God, he's going for his butt! - Get out of here, you pervert! - Get the fuck out! Did I get the part? Hey. Hey, man. Pull your pants up. What the fuck is your problem? I don't know. I was doing what the guys in the neighborhood told me to. So this is a dare, some YouTube bullshit? No. I wanna be a movie star, like my folks. They were on camera and they were nude. And they helped people. - Who the hell were your parents? - Rosie Bush and Jim Spraysium. The porn stars from the '70s? - Are you serious? - Yeah, for sure. Look at the picture. Holy shit, that is them. Rosie Bush. Damn, her bush sure was rosy. That explains it, how you got that thick Midwest accent. I don't have an accent. So you seriously wanna do porn? You can't whip your dick out at mac-and-cheese commercials. You'll go to jail. I don't wanna go to jail. When I started out, I used to direct some porno. A lot of directors do it. There's nothing weird about it. My boy Dick Shadow's having a house party tonight. You can make a lot of connections there. People will trip meeting the son of Rosie and Jim. - A trip out? - Do you wanna roll with me? Yeah, I'll roll with you. Actually, I'm glad you wanna do porn. At first, I thought you had some weird mac-and-cheese fetish. No, I don't use fetish cheese. I use Velveeta. Oh, you can't go this way. They probably called the cops. I've never ridden in a convertible before. This is something else. Get the full experience, man. Stand up, feel the breeze. - Are you serious? - Yeah, buddy. Holy cow! That was wild, man. Bucky, I think you've got bugs in your teeth. - No. - You wanna scrape those off... - ...before you get to the party. - Oh, it's still moving! This is the joint, Bucky, the hardest, horniest party in town. If you wanna be in the porn world, you got to know the Shadow. Shadows are so mysterious. What's up, Ricky? - What's up, guys? - Where are you going, crackhead? Yo, guys, he's cool. He's with me. Your hands are like a bear trap. - Any cameras or weapons? - No, I don't-- Cool. Don't bite anybody. Hi, how are you? Good to see you. - Claudio. - Hey Hey, guys. How are you? Having fun? Sushi? "Sushi"? Is that with an "S"? Sushi. All right. Oh, it smells like-- Do you want some sushi? No, thank you! No, thank you! So, Dick Shadow. Is that a family name? Because it sounds like a superhero. Well, in many ways, I am a superhero. Yeah, when I was a boy... ...I was 12 or so, I was playing out in the fields. The sun was so bright that day. I was wearing these baggy shorts. A bee flew up my trousers. Oh, my God. Yeah. Sol panicked, right? I took off my shorts as fast as I could. I stood there naked from the waist down. Well, where did the bee go? Doesn't matter. He flew away. But as I stood there... ...the wind blowing and the sun beating down on my manhood... ...I saw a shadow before me. It was gigantic. Then I looked over to the neighborhood girls. And their mothers. And they were standing there in awe of my shadow. And that's when Randy Dooley died... ...and Dick Shadow was born. Nothing grows in my cock shade. Nothing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Claudio. My man. Dick Shadow. Hey. Ladies, why don't you take a break? Give me a second with my buddy here. There's somebody I want you to meet. You'll get a kick out of this. Do you remember Rosie Bush and Jim Spraysium? Yeah, I think so. Married couple from the '70s, talked like retards... - ...never shaved? - Yeah. This is their son. He wants to get into porn. Really? So, what do you want to do? You wanna be a lighting guy... ...or a fluffer? No, a star. Okay. Well, let's see what you got. Here I go. I got about two bucks and some Bazooka Joes. It's a little warm, but it's chewable. No, no. Let's see your stuff. Oh, my-- My stuffs in my apartment. Was I supposed to bring it? No, your junk, kid. Whip it out. Your dick, Bucky. Pull down your pants. That's what he's talking about. - Oh, my.... - Yeah. Yeah. Very impressive. This is quite extraordinary, Bucky. I think you've got quite a future in this business. - No. - Yeah. Can I borrow him for a minute? I would just love to show him around... ...and introduce him to some people, okay? Yeah, come on. No, I'm serious. It's Miles Deep, the director. How about I direct my dick in your mouth... ...if you don't get the fuck out of here? Look, let me just go in there for a minute and I can-- Wait. Wait. You son of a bitch. Party people! Yeah. Let's stop the music, please. I've got somebody very important I want you to meet. Now I've seen many porn stars come and go... ...but this guy right here I just met... ...he's gonna be coming for a very long time. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Bucky Larson? Hey, how are you? Drop the pants. Show them what you got, kid. All right. Did I mention he'll be starring in lesbian porn? No. Somebody help him. I'll save you, little man. He really pushed you In the pool like that? What a jerk. Maybe he thought you were a walrus. Yeah, and I can't swim good without my water wings, you know. You know, Dick Shadow's the biggest star in the nude business. You know, I mean, what am I gonna do? Well, if it makes you feel any better, I've never heard of Dick Shadow... ...but I have heard of Bucky Larson. Hey, Kathy. There's a dead cat in the woman's bathroom. I need you to put it in my car. I can feed it to my snake. - Okay. - Stop being difficult. Excuse me. Thought I overheard you say something about the nude business. Yeah. Were you at Dick Shadow's party last night? Yeah, for a little bit. - Are you friends with Dick? - No, not exactly. - My friend Claudio brought me. - The director, right? I'm a director too. Miles. Miles Deep. Wow, cool. Pleasure to meet you. Bucky Larson. - So did you go to Dick's party too? - No. The porn world is full of fucking degenerates. My folks aren't degenerates. They're the sweetest in the world... ...and they were gigantors in the pornos. Who were your folks? Rosie Bush and Jim Spraysium. - Farmer in the Smell? - Yeah. I worked on that movie. Yeah, get right out of a creek. I was a production assistant. - Hell, they were the last real originals. - I'll tell them you said that. I knew I knew that accent. Everyone keeps talking about my accent, but I'm from America. - Do you want to be on camera? - Yeah. I just bought a vintage camera. Would you like to shoot something tonight? Yeah. I think I can do that. Did you take Social Studies in fifth grade? - Yeah, for sure. I got a B. - Yeah. - The line by your thumb says B. - No fooling. - Is that guy retarded, Miles? - No, Jimmy, you're retarded. I told you, his parents were famous. There may be a nostalgic market out there. Bucky, come on over here and stand by the bar. Oh, yeah, sure. Nice, Gretchen. Really sexy. I knew I'd be good at this. I was a huge whore in high school. Okay, and we're rolling. Iowa, go ahead and step in there. Get that fucking thing out of there. Jesus. Don't look at the camera. All right, Bucky, go ahead, lose the shirt. Let's see how you look. Kill that light. I got a glare off of Bucky's chest. Okay, Bucky, let's go ahead, drop your pants. Yeah, no problem. Okay, Gretchen, now would be a good time to pop out the puppies. What the fuck just happened? My brain just sparkled. Where did that go? Oh, I see some on the ceiling. I don't think I have any on me. Did he just come again? Yeah. You got it on the lens. I'm so sorry, Miles. I have no control, honest. No worries, kid. Go ahead, put your clothes back on. So... ...was it good or bad? How did I do? It was.... It was. - Yes. - Let's wrap it up for today. Jimmy will give you a ride home. He's not gonna jizz all over my car, is he? Shut the fuck up, Jimmy. Here you go. Where's the blue one? Don't play with me, man. And the black one. The black one is what keeps me from biting your fucking ear off. It's just my mom said that you went to rehab a couple times-- Your mom's a slut. But she's your sister. Exactly. How do you think I know? Why are you looking at this footage? I thought you said it was garbage. Because I'm looking to see how the camera looks. - If that's all right with you, shit stains. - It's fine. Thank you. My God. This guy has got some piano keys in his mouth. Yeah, when he pulled down his pants, I thought he had a vagina. Yeah. I had that vagina moment too. Even though he's hung like a ladybug, at least he's not afraid to show it. God, I got up too fast. What do you want me to do with all the footage? I don't give a fuck what you do with it. Put it up your ass. Gary, I'm so glad you're finally awake. I had the craziest night last night. I shot an actual movie-- Whose cereal is that? Mine. I bought it yesterday. Did you buy your own milk? - No. Can I borrow some? - Hell, no. Fuck you. Hey. Hi, Bucky. Hey, Kathy. What's up, Kathy? Would you like some milk? No, thanks, Gary. Hey, Bucky. You wanna walk me to work? Yeah, sure. - I like walking. - That's nice, Gary. - Come on. - I had the craziest night. Oh, yeah? What happened? Why don't you walk on my tits, you big, fucking lesbo? Hi, Mom. No, I wasn't talking to you. It was like I dreamed. The lights were on and the director had a cool camera. When I pulled down my pants, I saw colors in my brain. Then there was a pop. And then stuff came out. There was a pop, they said, "It was." They had a weird helmet. They knew I got a B in Social Studies. I mean, you've been here two days... ...and your dreams are already coming true. - That's incredible. - Yeah, it's crazy. I don't know, but I'm babbling. Enough about me. I wanna know about you, Kathy. What are your dreams? I want to be a waitress. Your dreams came true. Why didn't you tell me? So you know what I'm going through. Dreams are crazy. Well, not really. I mean, the diner's not my dream. It's my nightmare, actually. But, you know, it's where I've been banished. Yeah, I was going to mention that earlier. The people don't seem nice to you... ...and the food makes my bottom burn. Why were you banished? There was an incident, Bucky. - You killed a man? - No. Not exactly. When I first moved to L. A., I got a job at a five-star restaurant. You know, it was my dream job. And on the first day of training... ...I was carrying a tray of soups for a table of 10. And it was heavy, you know? But I toughed it out. But then, halfway to the table, my arm gave out... ...and I spilled soup all over this old lady. She screamed... ...so loud. She had to be choppered to a burn unit in San Diego. No. And ever since then... ...you know, I just burst into tears when I see a large food tray. So that's why I work at Tony's. No trays. Listen up, Kath. We'll get your dream back, okay? And you won't burn the elderly. I promise. Thanks, Bucky. - Oh, there's one other thing. - What? You're it. - Hi, Bucky. - Hey, Miles. It's great to see you. So hey, how did our scene edit together? That's what I want to talk to you about. - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. Now, listen. Yeah. Sit. So I think you should be in the porn business. But in another way besides on camera. Perhaps behind the scenes. But I want to be a star. It's my destiny. Yeah, yeah, I know, Bucky. Your parents and destiny. But porn stars have to have certain things. - You know? - Yeah, I can get a tan. No, I meant more in the crotch area. Oh, yeah. No, I can tan my crotch. No, Bucky. He's talking about your dick, dum-dum. You don't got the: Bucky, you're a really nice kid. I just don't want to see you waste your time. I'm just trying to be honest with you, kid. Yeah, okay. I'm sorry. I gotta go. Bucky, are you all right? Yeah, I'm okay. Bucky. Hey, Miles, baby. I'll do a movie for you. I'm hung like a cocker spaniel. - Cocker spaniel is not a big dog. - Yeah, but it's nice and soft. With cuddly eyes. Your dick has cuddly eyes? You know what I mean. You know what the fuck I mean. Fuck you! Did you eat one of my grapes? Is that why you're crying, you son of a bitch? You're pathetic. What the fuck is with the forwarding of all the videos? What did my mom send me? What the fuck? I uploaded it on youpube.net. It's gotten almost a million hits in three days. - You're kidding. - No. All my friends watched it with their girls and they all got laid afterwards. Right. The guys aren't threatened. And the girls think they've got a prize compared to Bucky. Every small dick out there has been waiting for this. How do you know that? Let's stay focused. This is a good angle. Retail Spell Checked I'm just saying, I've never been fully filled up on camera before. You're saying you have more inches to your torpedo? At least five more. - We could blow some minds. - And more loads. - J. Day. - Hey, Miles, come in. - How's it going, buddy? - Good, good. Do you know Dick Shadow? - Yeah. It's been a while. - Yeah. Yeah, well, you've been busy. Yeah, Nice. Miles, is that the DVD? Right there. Miles called me about discovering the new heat in porn. Really? I didn't know porn needed heating up. Do you mind if I sit in on this, J. Day? - Yeah, yeah, yes, of course. - Yeah. Stay and check it out. Have a seat, Miles. - Make yourself comfy. - Okay. Thanks. I know who that guy is. - Does he have pussy? - Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute here. What--? What's he turning into, a werewolf? He's got quite the squirt gun, huh? Well, what do you think? I mean, the guy can spunk like a monkey... ...but his face is a nightmare with the teeth. He should not be on camera. You're pulling my nuts, huh? - This a joke? - No. This thing was all over the Internet. It was the most e-mailed clip of the week on youpube.net. Yes, of course it was. This guy's like Muppet with clown-flower spray-penis. But this isn't porno, man. Porn is to fantasies about the cock you wish you had. Or wish was in your wife's hand or ass crack. But it's also about the cock you're glad you don't have. I know it's different, but this could be something... ...really groundbreaking. J. Day, you got to give this a shot. You know what? I want to do several shots of tequila... ...black out, and forget I ever saw the rat face and mouse pee-pee. Listen, I'm really sorry, Miles. What can I do? - I'm sorry, buddy. - Okay. Take it easy, broheim. Relax. Go home, wax your asshole. I feel bad turning my back on him. But he's a mess with the pills and the ex-wives and the: - Are you into pills too? - No, it's just a little Viagra. I'm going to the mall. Jeez. Are you sure you wanna do this, Miles? My professor said you should never invest your own money. Yeah? And where is your professor? In the classroom, teaching a bunch of dick-divers. I'm a fucking artist and the movies always come first. Not money, not happiness, the movies. You know who knows that? My first wife, my second wife... ...my fourth wife, and my ninth wife. Plus, I just got approved for a loan. What bank gave you a loan? The bank of the Vietnamese mafia. I just got off a night shoot. I wrapped another movie like an hour ago and I come right over. You know, you should get some sleep, though. Sleep is really important. My mom said everyone should have nine hours a day. Nine hours would be good. I love work, you know.... What the fuck are you doing? - I was just trying to fix his hair. - But who told you to do that? - I thought-- - I don't give a shit what you thought. I don't want him to look good. I want him to look natural. But he looks horrible. Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. - How are you feeling, Bucky? - I'm good. I think he was trying to be nice. He was tired-- Who cares? Fuck him. He's getting paid. I want to talk to you about the scene we're about to shoot. - Oh, yeah. Okay, good. - Okay. You're a paperboy. And you've been delivering papers all day long. And you're hot. And you're tired. You've been up and down the streets, throwing the papers. And you need an ice cream. Oh, boy. What? I never delivered a paper in my life. I'm so sorry. I should have told you. I just didn't even think. I didn't have a paper route in the neighborhood. I mowed the lawns. You want to make it lawn mowing-- It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Oh, God. I love it that you care about the details. - Yeah. - Did we powder Blueberry's tits? - Not yet. - Well, why the fuck not? Yo, fruit bat. - Where the fuck are you going? - What? - I thought you said-- - Fuck you, what I thought. Powder her tits. Do something right today. Excuse me, ma'am. Could you wait one second? - For what? - We're shooting a movie. Who's the star, Judge Reinhold? Is it a monster movie? - And er-action. - Oh, er-action. Bucky, go. Go, go, go. Hey, ma'am, I got your paper. You can leave the paper on the counter. - I got it right. - I saw it. Don't look at me. I have a problem, paperboy. Maybe you can help me. I have a sundae... ...but it needs nuts and cream on it. Oh, no. Here, let me help. I'll just get my scooper out. - That's it? - It's average. Boy, my sugar cones could really use some air. Cut! That was great, Bucky. - It was? - It was. Do you got another one in you? Good. That was great. Good job. Hi, Blueberry, do you need a rag? I saw it come out, but I didn't get any on me. There's some on my shoe. I wouldn't eat that. Okay, you can walk now. Thanks, but I'm gonna send you a bill... ...for this bird poop on my shoulder. So there it is. The future. I wanted you all to see it first... ...because you're the best distributors in the business. And I value your opinion. And we're looking for a modest deal... ...foreign and domestic. Any questions? - Yeah, Eddie. - Miles, are you fucking kidding us? - What? - That didn't even get me half hard. It actually got my dick to go back inside me... ...and it's pointed towards my stomach. And it hurts. It's a new style. But Eddie, this is going to catch on. How did he lose his penis? Was it a hunting accident? Miles, where'd you find a buck-tooth dyke with a clit that big? Unbelievable. So that went good? Who's taller? He is. Okay. All right, well, wait. - Now, who's taller? - He is. Look, Bucky, I'm a parade float. Oh, my gosh. I don't know what those distribution guys were talking about, Bucky. I thought you were totally adorable and charming in that paperboy movie. Really? Thanks. Yeah, I just got to keep on believing. You know, this town is really testing me. Yeah. And you know what's funny? Clowns? Yes, but, you know, in your videos... ...you never actually have sex with the girls. Yeah, I've never really done that before, so I don't know. Yeah. No. - Can I take a picture? - All right. How's my hair? Very good. Very good. No way. I don't believe this. I've seen all the shit In here, but that is not real. - Hi. - Whoa, shit. I'm sorry, man. You're real. Okay. They pay you to glue those chopsticks on? - To glue what sticks? - Baby, I don't think he works here. I don't care. If those are real... ...then I gotta get a picture with the beaver man. Here, watch this. All right, leave it to my man, beaver. Look at you, brother. You could tear up a carrot. Look at that. Thanks. Are my teeth really that weird? No. Not at all. They just have character. - Really? - Yeah. Thanks, Kathy. No. It cannot be. Yeah, they're real. You are him? Bucky from the Internet? You spray from your nest. Yeah, that's me. Your video was beautiful, inspiring. It was such a big help to me and my wife. She had grown tired of my Water Wiggle... ...but you renewed her joy in my rod. - Thank you so much. - Yeah, my pleasure. That's great. Listen, I have a restaurant called Chop. It is an Italian steakhouse. You come in, I'll give you the meal of your lifetime. - What? - I know Chop. You got nine-and-a-half stars out of 10 in Restaurant Magazine. The only Los Angeles restaurant to do that in four years. Their chef, Alfred DuPont, flies in stone crab claws... ...fresh from Florida every day. And he's also cultivated the largest wine selection... ...in all of southern California. And he's a Libra. Wow, how do you know this? I'm a food fan. Kathy's like the best waitress in the world. Where do you work? She's talking to a couple places. You come in to Chop on Friday, you ask for Dominic. I'll see if we got any openings. - Thank you so much. - Thank you. Oh, my God. Bucky. Wow, your head is full of so many food facts. But Bucky, I can't. The old woman. I burned somebody. Listen to me. That was an accident. You can do this. Come on, you can't keep working in that stupid diner... ...getting tipped in Monopoly money and belly-button lint. I know it's hard, but I'll help you. We can do this. Okay. - Video or the teeth? - Teeth. Oh, no, no. We gotta have six or eight of those before you get the fire started. What's the big whoop-de-doo, Miles? Bucky. Hey. Hey, what's the deal with your roommate? You can't talk on the phone for more than 20 seconds... ...or else he'll burn your pubes off? Oh, Yeah, I know. Gary just had a rough day. He's got diarrhea. You keep pubes. Anyway. Great news. We set up a link so that people could buy our latest piece of work... - ...and guess what. - What? It's selling like a mofo. Hot dog. Not only did we make all of our money back... ...the Vietnamese guys have offered to finance a couple more pictures for us. - No fooling? - Fuck fooling. You were right. You were born to be a star. This is-- I gotta call my folks. I have to tell Kathy. I'm gonna call Kathy? My gosh. And my folks-- You do that and we're going to party. - Oh, shit. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. Where the fuck do I put my grapes now, you insensitive bastard? I'm an old lady and I love soup. - I did it. - You did it! I knew you could! Bucky! There you go. Enjoy the brain sparkle. - Next. - We are just so excited to meet you. I mean, for so long, our relationship was really off. It was just shit. My boyfriend's got a really small dick. Like, no meat on it. And it really bothered me. I was kind of used to being with guys... ...with big-to-huge dicks before I met him. I thought dicks were supposed to be like that... ...with fatness and length and whatever. When Allen would ask me to blow him, I was like: "Keep that fucking gross niblet away from me." But then when I saw your dick... ...it was like a rebirth, a new beginning. I watched the whole video and I thought... ...maybe I do have something great with Allen after all. Compared to you, he's gigantic. I mean, you make me look like I got a big dick. So anyways, we've been fucking a lot. And I can't ride his dick because I always fall right off. But he's been dogging me and I don't know, I can kind of feel It... ...or it's his pubes bumping up against my sandbar, but whatever. At least we're doing it, connecting. Just, thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Changing lives. Our next guest went from being an Internet sensation... ...to getting the most nominations in the history of adult film. This should be good. Please welcome Bucky Larson, everybody. No! You fucking prick! You don't look like the average porn star. Oh, yeah, because I'm wearing a sweater. Blueberry's with me. Bucky. Another shot, Bucky. Bucky.... It's Bucky. - Is that him? - Hey, Bucky. God, he's here. Miles. It's great to see you, Miles. Hello. Your vision with Bucky? I didn't see it, but you did. You turned a Tic Tac into a gold mine. - Well, here he is. - Hey, how are you? Hello, it's great to meet you. - Hello, beautiful. - Hello. Yes, you can have a seat here. Be my guest. And you know Rosie Bush and Jim Spraysium. - Of course. - Bucky's parents. Hi, how are you? Your movies were like my Batman growing Up. - How sweet. - Batman? That's swell. I love Batman. - Have a seat. - Thanks so much. - Hey, Dick. Good to see you again. - Good to see you too. Congratulations on winning Best "Newcomer." What? Are we late? Did we miss an award? - No, no, but you'll get that one. - How do you know? That's the only award I can't win. - Who's the pretty girl? - Oh, this is Kathy. She's my girl.... Neighbor. Friend. She lives by me. I like her a lot. She's a girl. Lady. I'm Bucky's girlfriend. Welcome to the 15th annual Adult Film Awards. And here's your host, Pauly Shore. What? I love Pauly. The first award is Best "Newcomer." Which is great because it's something you get... ...before the herpes and hep-C kick in. - I got herpes! - I got hep-C! And your nominees are Steven Storm. - Mike Thunder. - Yeah, Mike! Jeffrey Lightning. And a new kid who's making quite a splash around here lately. Bucky Larson. And the winner is.... Holy shit, Bucky Larson. I've never held a trophy before. Or given a speech. I want to thank my director, Miles Deep, for making my movies. And for saying I could be a paperboy... ...when I swear I've never delivered a paper in my life. Also... ...to my girlfriend, Kathy. Who made sure I didn't sleep in the bushes. And to my folks. You are my inspiration and my heroes. I thought I was going to bag groceries till I was grey in the hair. But you showed me that you can have dreams. And that dreams can make your downstairs explode with magic. Thank you. I love you so much. Okay. That's out of the way. Now is when I cast my shadow. And the award for biggest load goes to.... Bucky Larson! Everyone In Iowa, I love you! The award for Best Bush goes to.... Come on. Bucky Larson. I told you not to shave completely down there. You have too many moles. To my roommate, Gary, who always said: "Don't shit where you shower." Am I in the fucking Twilight Zone? - Bucky Larson! - Bucky Larson. - Bucky Larson. - Bucky Larson. - Bucky Larson. - Bucky Larson. - Bucky Larson! - Best taint is... ...Bucky Larson. This is wild stuff, man. Exciting. I don't even know what a taint is. But if I have the best one, that's because of my mother. Bucky. Buck. You're not nominated for best tits. Come with me. - I want you to meet some people. - Okay. Are you gonna be all right? - Yeah. Yeah, go do your thing. - Are you sure? I'll be right back. - Quite a night. - Yeah. This is crazy. So tell me... ...a guy like Bucky, what are his tricks? - What do you mean? - You know, in the bedroom. He's gotta have something up his sleeve. He surely doesn't have anything in his pants. Well, that's Bucky's personal business... ...and I don't really think it's any concern of yours. So you don't even know? You two haven't...? In that case, I really think you need to spend a night in the shadow. I'm already in the shadow. The shadow of the 11 awards Bucky's won tonight. He's already tied your record, right? And I believe we have one more award to go. So thanks. I don't care what they said. I have the best taint and everybody knows it. And now for the winner of the most prestigious award of the night. Male Genitals of the Year. And the winner... ...and the new record-holder of 12 Adult Film awards.... Bucky Larson! So I asked Miles if he wanted to hang out... ...but he said he got an eight ball. So I guess he's gonna go play pool. So it's pretty cool that we both won awards on the same night. What do you mean, "we"? I didn't win anything. Oh, yeah, you didn't hear? What the heck is this? Open it. This is your award ceremony. Bucky, you didn't have to give me anything. I didn't. You won it. And now, for waitress of the year or millennium, Kathy McGee! Oh, flip it over, read the back. "Congratulations to the best waitress in the world. Nobody carries food better." That's you. I didn't plan on winning anything tonight, so, you know, I just.... - I thought you should get a trophy. - Thank you, Bucky. You know, I've never won anything before. I've never been to any fancy award shows and.... I've never had a guy treat me like a star. And I've never had anyone believe in me the way that you do. Yeah, of course. You deserve it, Kathy. - What is that for? - For being you. You know, Bucky, I was thinking... ...since you've never done it with any of the girls in your videos... ...and, you know, I've never done it, either... ...I was thinking that maybe we could do it together. - So you're a Virgo too? - Yeah. But if we're going to do this, then we have to be careful, okay? My mother said that protection... ...is just as important for you as it is for me. Yeah, sure, sure. - Okay. Do you have any protection? - Do I have a knife? Try that. It fits. You've got hair too. Kathy? Kathy? Where are you, sweet pea? There you are. Good morning. Look at you, carrying a tray like a pro. - It's not a big deal. - Kathy.... That was so great last night. With all the kissing and the cuddling... ...and the pushing and the bumping. That was the best night of my life. And I'm not even talking about the awards. I could careless about that. I'm talking about... ...just being with you. Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty cool, I guess. You know, Bucky, I've been thinking about it... ...and last night was really fun and everything... ...and I just think, you know, since it was my first time... ...that I should explore all my options. Just really get out there and have other experiences with other guys. Other--? Other guys? But I only want to do that with you. Yeah. We're not married, Bucky. We're young and we should have fun. And I have to get an earlier flight back to L.A. I picked up the dinner shift, and I'll see you later. Okay? I don't understand. - Hello? - Hey, up and at them, sunshine. Me and J. Day have been at the airport all night trying to outrun airplanes. Come on, meet us downstairs for breakfast. I've got breakfast up here. Fuck that. Let's go, down. We're not stopping now, Bucky. This is only the beginning. Kathy left this morning. That's what chicks do. They leave. That's how this shit works. They're whores. Except Blueberry. - We are taking it to the next level. - Oh, yes. J. Day is producing all of our movies now. He paid off the mafia and he wants to put you under an exclusive deal. Men don't want to live in the shadows anymore. They want to look down at their baby dick... ...and pee and bang and be happy. We think that, in our new movies, what you should do... ...is you should actually have sex with the girls. But what about what we've been doing? The world's wondering if you can even get inside someone with that thing. - But Kathy. I-- - Kathy's gone, man. She's gone. She told you so. She's probably on the plane right now, fucking another guy on her way home. Yes, she's probably banging the pilot like crazy. "Kathy," you know? Hey, Bucky, Bucky, Bucky. This is about you now. You gotta look to the future, man. - Let's have a toast. - Let's drink to you, Bucky. You're the big-- I'm sorry. I think I just jizzed on you. - I'm a lucky Internet chipmunk. - Come on, show some respect, Dick. That's a joke, J. Day. Why don't you show some respect to our industry? Or to your manhood? - You fucking wannabes. - Come on, Dick. Nothing grows in my cock-shade. Nothing. Do you know what grows in your cock-shade? A field of baby dicks. I just still can't believe it, Pop. I tried to call her. She didn't even answer the phone. I don't know. She seemed like a good egg. She was a beautiful egg. Painted gold. Laid by a diamond goose. Now, look, son, you gotta buck up. You have to power through this. You got a big movie to shoot. That's why you're out there. Suck it, whore! The weather is a little bit windy.... - Here you go, Uncle Miles. - What the hell are you doing? You said you wanted-- I'm about to direct the biggest movie of my career. I don't wanna be high. I want to be focused. She moved out of your complex? She won't even see me at her job. That's heavy, man. I had a man leave me once. One night, after he fucked me, he told me the smell is so brutal... ...that he break up with me. And we were in love too. But he said that the fumes from my backside... ...that they make him gag and that they give him nightmares. And he said that the sweat from my ass... ...it could be used as a chemical weapon. So I tried cleaning it and scrubbing it. I used a car freshener. Nothing. I tried eating only pineapple. - What the fuck are you doing? - Nothing. Just talking about the movie. There's no talking. Get the fuck out of his head. Get out of here! Come on. Stand up, let me see the duds. Good. Good, good. Perfect. - Hey, Miles? - Yeah, Buck? I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks for bringing me my dreams. And for being my friend. - Of course, Bucky. - And my folks thank you too. They know how tough this town can be... ...and to have someone that's in your corner and that cares about you... ...is real nice. This rock is boiling, Miles. Can we go? Relax. You know how many girls would love to be tied to a hot rock... ...waiting for Bucky Larson to try and put it in them? We are rolling. Er-action! The sun is beating down on me. I'm losing my mind. Oh, no! It's Fucky Bucky. Don't touch me, you dirty man. Oh, no. The wind just blew my clothes off. She's good actress. Come on, buddy. Pound her. Cut! - I can't let you do this, Buck. - Why, what happened? I got a confession to make, Bucky. Kathy didn't leave you on her own. I told her to do it. - What? - That morning in Las Vegas... ...at the hotel, we'd been up partying all night... ...and J. Day gave me the news about our new deal. And I ran into Kathy in the restaurant and she was so happy... ...but I was so fucked up, I told her about our new plan... ...to have you bang the chicks. She looked horrified. She said you'd never want to do that. I just lost it. I told her that this is why you come out here. This was your destiny. And that she'd be selfish if she stood in your way. She started to cry and I said to her that... ...if she cared about you... ...that she'd cut you loose and let you be great. I had no right to do that. She loved you. You meant the world to her. And I don't want to see you make the same mistakes I did. You need to go to Kathy. You need to go right now. I forgive you, Miles. I'm gonna go tell her. I'm gonna tell her right now. - Miles, where's he going? - He's gone, J. Day. But I need that horse! He's the star of another movie I'm doing in Germany. Horse-cock Island. God gave me a magic wand. Why wouldn't I want to cast love spells? You are the most aggressive person I have ever met. It's ridiculous. Is it ridiculous how much pleasure I could bring to your smell garden? Trust me. I would be the best you ever had. Dick, you are a dick. You know why Bucky Larson is a bigger star than you now? Because he showed people that it wasn't about having a giant wiener... ...swinging between your legs. It's about being a beautiful and caring partner. And even though it broke my heart in two... ...I knew it was more important for him to continue helping the world... ...than for me to have happiness. So you know what you need to do now? Give you some good rebound sex? Let you swing on my sweet meat? No. You need to leave. Look who's back. Kathy, I remember the first time I saw you at the diner. My heart stopped. My stomach felt funny. I thought I had the flu. But I didn't. It was you. Being in those nude movies, that's not my destiny. Being with you is. You make my heart smile. - Does your heart have buck teeth too? - Shut your cock. What I'm trying to say is I love you, Kathy. I love you too, Bucky. - Will you do me a favor? - Yeah. Will you give me a ride home to Iowa? With honors. I smell a garden. Ride, little dick. Ride. - Do I have chips in my teeth? - No, you don't have any teeth. - Jeremiah. - Well, she doesn't. Oh, my. Table 17. And thank you for coming. Hey, best steaks and service in the state, Bucky. That's my wife's doing. Hey, honey, there's a table in back, wants to take a picture with you. Yeah, sure. Jeez, how many bowls you got there? - Seven. It's my new record. - No way. You owe me rent money, fucker! - Gary, no! - You're just like John Mayer! Just like John Mayer.