The Slump

And the brads are not to be used as Q-Tips. They're for holding paper together. Got it? Great. Oh, and last but least, salesman of the month-- who will take home the $40 Bass Pro gift card? Whoo-whoo! Top Gun three months running. Suck on my big ass numbers, y'all. You know I'm the champion. Yeah. Get 'em, boy. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-- Yeah, but see, Adam, corporate listened to the "characters" you do on your calls And they not only found them offensive, but they're in breach of TelAmeriCorp sales policy, and they had to refund most of your customers' payments, so you didn't really win. - Offensive. - Mm-hmm. On what grounds? I demand to know this very instance. I thought you were gonna ask me that. (Adam via recording] "Excuse me, sir. "I am Mufansa. A thousand blessings on you. " Mufansa--he's very popular. "Oh, so sorry to call so early in the morning, but would you like to purchase a Crock Pot?" Mm-hmm, I call him the sleepy Mexican. "What up, my brother? "This is Jamal, my man. You want to get down on some solar panels?" I think I used to live next to that guy. You know what? This some bull Shih Tzu dookie right here. " Butterball Jones is on the phone doing fake Apu Simpsons impressions, and I'm on the phone every day as me. - You fat phony. - Fatty. - I'm not fat. - Oh, my God. Okay, enough, everybody. Because Adam vacated his sales, this month's top gun is Diane. - Oh. - Whoa. Yeah. Hell, yeah- Top gun. Well, I still have the Top Gun hat, so it looks like I'm still the top gun. Yeah, you know what? And I really do like that hat, Adam. I like it so much, in fact, that I made an official TelAmeriCorp Top Gun hat, and this is the only hat that's allowed to be worn in the office, actually, so here you go, Diane. And, Adam, you can lose your hat now, please. - What? - Lose the hat. That one's the official one. Maybe Montez is right. Maybe Adam DeMamp is nothing more than a fat dodo with a fat head and just a fat, little body. I'm like a human baby. No one would buy anything from me. Stop it. Stop talking about my friend that way, okay? We're gonna go get some lunch monkeys. We're gonna go back to the office, and you're gonna go get that Top Gun hat back. Adam, stop eating those chips. - We haven't paid for them yet. - Hey. - What? - This is not good. We're about to witness the darkness that is Sadam. - Sadam Crymamp. - Yep. Saddest dude in the whole world, yeah. I don't want to see that, but, I mean, it makes sense. You can't live life that high without coming down. But we can't let him crash, okay? Remember what happened when Entourage went off the air. Oh, yeah, I remember. He didn't shower for, like, all of Movember or Decembeard. - Or Manuary. - It's disgusting. He said he was bathing himself in his own tears? - I know. - Hey, guys. You want to come on a really fun booze cruise? You mean, like, the Rancho Land Booze Cruise? Yep, it's the only booze boat cruise where the boat is a bus. - Oh, I love that. - That's tight. That sounds way tight, way tight, tight like your outfit. Looking good, looking good. Yes, you are a vision, aren't you? Speaking of vision, what happened to your peeper? - Oh, my God! - Oh! Oh, you're, like, a vampire. I just--just thought it was, like, part of the--the giddy-up. - It's not. - Okay. Yeah, no, that's--that's obvious now. Just give me your goddamn names. What's going on here? Dude, she's inviting us to the Rancho Land Booze Cruise. Makes sense that she would invite you guys after I had already left. I'm such a fat idiot. I'd probably step on board the Land Booze Cruise and sink it right in the concrete. Oh, right into the concrete. You hear how funny this guy is? I'm not funny. He's a good guy and single. Yeah, way single. No one loves me. Why don't we put the reservation in his name? Yeah, that's a great idea. So Adam DeMamp, plus two, and that's, "Mamp. " It's just how it sounds, very American name. - Mamp. Got it. - Yeah, yeah. - Plus two. - Yes. And remember, it's our imperfections that make us beautiful. I have a micro-penis. See you. I don't know. Probably didn't even spell my name right. I don't blame her. What are you talking about? You're on fire. Did you see how you just got us the two bonus seats? That doesn't just happen, okay? That's a boss movement, man. Yeah, that was a real streak-breaker, so what do you say we get you back to the office and get that Top Gun hat back on that little head, huh? Whoo. Hi, I'm Adam DeMamp. I hope you're ready to waste a lot of your time and probably none of your money. So I'm 30 pounds overweight, and I suck at life and stuff, and I was wondering if you wanted to buy a vacuum. Just hang up. No, you hang up. I'm fat. I'm so stupid. You hang up. You--you hang up. That was good. That was really good. Those people were, like, just jerks, probably. Yeah, not deserving of your time or many talents, Adam. You guys are right. Yeah? I'll just regroup and get the next one. You know what I mean? It's--it's that simple, so if you'll excuse me. - Staying positive. - Yes. Wow, I think he's okay. Yeah, I'm just glad we're not dealing with the full-blown Sadam CryMamp right now. Yeah, that would be bad, 'cause I am not singing him to sleep tonight. Do it, Waymond. Do it. Do it now. No, no, Adam. That is company equipment. I can't get a sale to save my life, so I might as well kill my stupid life and freaking bleed all over the office. That's what I would do, but Waymond won't pull the damn lever, Waymond! Waymond, do not do that. Adam, you can't do that, all right? Also, there's definitely no way that thing can go through your neck. Is that a fat joke? 'Cause my neck's too fat? It is not about a fat neck. We like your neck, okay? Now, call Waymond off, and let's just forget this happened. Fine. Waymond, let me up. But I'm not gonna go on a stupid booze cruise, 'cause my--ow! Ow! You pushed it in my neck. You freaking little groundhog of a human being--stupid. - Excuse me. - Are you okay? - You're a monster. - What's your problem? He t really filled the hand there. Yeah, man, now I know why he was calling him the groundhog. We've got to get this guy a sale to get his confidence back up. Yeah, how do we do that? Hey, I heard there's buttered bread in here? Is that true? "Do not open. " More like, "Do open. " "Hot leads for Alice's eyes only. " Yeah, right. More like, "For Adam's eyes only. " Hello. Hello, may I please speak with a Mr. Blownoff? This is he, and you can call me Dick. Okay, Mr. Blownoff, I am telling-- I am talking to you today from my work, TelAmeriCorp. Hey, are you sick of unblended foods? 'Cause it's--you know what? Never mind. I suck at my job. And I suck at my life. - Good-bye forever. - Hang on. Listen, son, I don't bite. What are you selling? Stupid freaking blenders. Well, I'll take five. How 'bout that? That's cool. I mean, honestly, if I'm being real with you, I wouldn't buy anything from me, because one, I'm fat, two, I'm stupid, three, I'm fat and stupid combined. Listen, you don't sound fat to me, maybe a little depressed, huh? And I've been there. - Really? - You know what I did? I went on a booze cruise with my friends, and I was totally cured. Anyway, blenders Well, the blenders, actually, I take it back, what I said earlier. They're pretty cool. You can make juices. You can, like, blend up a boot. That's how sharp this thing is. That's how intense it is. Oh, I actually have a boot here right now. Boop. Oh, my gosh, the boot, it's blending so well. That's funny. Well, looks like it'll get to you Tuesday, and I just want to say thank you. You are a great man, Mr. Dick Blownoff. And you are a good goddamned salesman. Okay, so I'm gonna go ahead and put you down for two blenders. That is a kitchen blender and a basement blender. Oh, wait, this just came in from upstairs. That's not $68. 99. It is $49. 99. Can I go ahead and close you with that number? Very good. Selling, selling, selling, selling, selling, selling. Dude, I am so pumped for this booze cruise. I'ma, like, celebrate next month's future Top Gun victory. Yes, I'm just excited to see you happy again. Like, Sadam is dead. Who's Sadam? Saddam. Saddam Hussein died. - Really? - Yeah, they got him. - They got him. USA all the way. - Thank God. Well, we didn't get him, but those guys who were out there fighting in the desert. Freaking SEAL team. That's cool, man. At least "The Interview" can come out now. - Totally. - I've been waiting for that. - Absolutely. - It's, like, I'm a Francophile. That dude, he's the truth. I was thinking, that movie, like, w hat if it was 69 Hours? Ah, that would be way funnier. If it's, like, 69, and he got his dick caught between the rocks, and he's like, does he chew his dick off? Or he gets his nose caught in some chick's butt, and he's like, "We're 69ing; I need water now! We should write pornos. - Yeah, we should write pornos. - We should. Dude, I'm just pumped, all right? I'm excited for this adventure we're about to go on, 'cause it has my favorite things: boozes, cruises, and my dudeses. I said that I was gonna go. I didn't say that we were gonna go. I was actually thinking about taking my new friend, Dick, and, like, one of his buddies. Dick? Why would you bring Dick? Well, who is Dick is what we really need to know, 'cause we don't know who that is, Blake. Yeah, you guys don't know Dick. He--he, like-- he was my first sale of the day, and he kind of took me out of my sales slump. And we just sort of bro bonded in, like--like, a real and, like, authentic way. It's like we have two Avatar tails, and they just intertwined. It's just-- is it weird to bring a guy that you've never met to a party? - I mean, like, I'm not-- - Yeah, that sucks. You know, right? Oh, okay, yup. - Yes, you are correct. - Right? I should meet him and hang out with him first before I invite him on the booze cruise. That is a good call, Ders. That's not what I'm-- Thank you, Ders. - Hey, dudes, what's up? - Hey. So you guys need a pro actor to trick Adam, huh? Okay. Well, you're in luck. This is a client of mine, Ryan Gall. Ryan here has ran up a pretty hefty tab over the past couple years in weed, so he's gonna pay you guys in acting dollars. - Isn't that right, Ry? - Mm-hmm. - Isn't that right? - Yeah, that's-- - You're gonna pay them, huh? - Yes. - You're gonna act for them. - I will. I will. Okay, Ryan knows everything that's going on. He's a Groundling. He can improv. If you need me, I'm gonna be at Burger King. I got a dude that gives me free refills, and I am freaking pumped about that. See you, Ryan. - Where are you going? - Act good. You said it would be a half hour. You're with them, Ryan. Well, well, well, we're in the midst of a real actor. Great, great, so what's this Groundhogs thing he's talking about, huh? It's the Groundlings, and we do improv comedy. It's kind of like Whose Line, a lot of, "Yes, and" All right, save it. Yes, and what the hell's Whose Line? Oh, it's like Wild 'N Out. Oh, okay, well, here's a tip. Lead with that, you know? Just drop Affion Crockett, and people will be with you. - Now we're on board. - Have we seen you in anything? I've been in some commercials. - Seriously? - Yeah. Oh, he's that Captain Obvious guy. - That's not me. - Oh. - No? - No. - Okay. - I know who he is. Dude, you're one of the two Sonic guys. - Oh, yeah-- - We watch you all the time. - Yeah, the drive-thru- - I'm not--that's not me. I thought you were in commercials, man. What the heck? Do you even know Flo? No, look, I am a serious actor, okay? I trained under the Jim Rash. Oh, so a fellow thespian- I actually did some theater acting in college. I played the role of Puck. No kidding? Midsummer's Night Dream? No, no, actually, it was a stage adaptation of Real World: San Francisco. - I played Puck. - Yeah. The peanut butter scene was riveting. Here's your information for Mr. Blownoff. Basically, he's the exact opposite of Adam, because we need him to just hate you. I can play the heel, no problem. It's basically what I did on Ten Items or Less. You were on Ten Items or Less? - Yeah. - Dude. That show had the best commercials. It did. Welcome to the VIP chill room. Cool. Hey, you know, your voice sounds a little different than it did on the phone. - It does? - Yeah. Oh, you know what? When we talked on the phone, I think I had, like, a cold slash flu or something. Got some lunch monkeys for my buddy. Oh, you know what? I don't touch the stuff. Yeah, sober 15 years. Wow, I--I didn't even know that was a thing you could do. - Mm-hmm. - No beer poops. That's smart. Hey, there you are. Hidey-ho, neighbor. These are my work friends, Ders and Blake. And this is my very, very, very good buddy, Dick Blownoff. Oh, cool, very cool, very cool. - What's up? - He's a cool guy. What were we in here for? Oh, yes, we were just talking about huge bazoingas, and-- well, shoot, man, Dick, what do you think about those? Uhh big breasts are stupid. Yeah, I like little, tiny, like, mosquito bite-style boobs. You know what? I get that. Yeah, because if the bazoinga is too big and you try to fit it all in your mouth, there's too much meat there, right? And your jaw might pop out of place, ad then you can't eat dinner. Yes, and treating women like human beings and not just sex objects, that's what I'm all about. - Okay, well, that's crazy. - Yeah. I mean, what? What planet are you from? And make sure Adam doesn't visit there, 'cause that's, like, the opposite of stuff he likes. No, he's actually the exact opposite of opposite, which is, like-- it's, like, the same. - Dick? - What? Will you be my very best friend and come with me to the Land Booze Cruise? Oh, yeah oh, I have work. - Mm. - Mm, damn it. And I am always on call, because I am a CIA spy. No way. I didn't think that you could be. When I saw you, I thought you'd be a CPA. - P. - I knew it, dude. - I knew something was going on. - Yeah? Something was a little off about you. - That's me, yeah. - Oh, there's layers. I'm freaking peeling them back, and there's a freaking cool, undercover spy beneath. Do me the honor of going with me on the Land Booze Cruise, please. - No, don't do this. - Please, go with me. I'll hold my breath until you say yes. - Just say yes, please. - Don't hold your breath. - Say yes. - I can't. - Please, this hurts. - Okay, yes. Yes, yes. Bye, new friend. - Okay. - Bye. Uh-huh. What the hell was that? You were supposed to say no. Yeah, I was gonna, but then I remembered what my Oscar-winning teacher, Jim Rash, once said. Okay, [bleep] Jim Rash, all right? I'll give you a rash. Okay, you know what? I might have had a breakfast edible, and it kind of-- I'm sorry. You're high right now? Yes, I'm a little bit--I'm-- That all makes sense now; that's why we're getting hour-long Showtime show, basic cable acting from you, when what we're asking for is Super Bowl commercial quality acting from you, Ryan. We're not getting it; we need it; you're screwing us. No, the edibles, they help my craft, and they help my process. I need them for my craft and process. All right, Mr. Craft, Mr. Macaroni, process this. What if I told you we could give you the biggest roll in the biggest blockbuster of all time? - Okay. - Your life. Okay. What are you talking about? I don't--look, can you just keep playing the character, Dick, for a little longer and actually do what me and Ders tell you to do? Okay, I'm listening, but only because I owe Karl crap loads of money, so Honestly, dude, you're, like, 100% right, because I was looking at some small-chested pornog, and Riley Reed made me realize that I've been ignoring the butt. Yes, and the butt's the most erogenous area on the woman's-- I mean, I don't mind if someone's playing-- Oh, God, they're on to me. - What? - No--no--run! Agent Blownoff, you're coming with us. Save yourself, and make sure that you take your friends, Blake and Ders, on this Land Booze Cruise. No, I'll save you! - Yes! - Oh, my God. We did it. - We did it. - We did it. - You were amazing, man. - Thank you. And I mean this when I say that you could be in those, like, hella dramatic commercials where they try and get people to adopt dogs before they murder them. Or even, like, the hella way dramatic new Life Alert commercials; have you seen those? Oh, my God, heart breaker. We should get those for our grandmas, 'cause, like, what if she does fall down, and, like, she can't get up? I don't want that to happen. She's a beautiful woman. Yeah, she is really pretty. My grandma's hot. All right, let's circle back to join Adam for this booze cruise, huh? Yeah, baby. I love it. Ahh! Ohh! - Oh, my God. - Is he okay? Ow! - Whoo-hoo! - Oh, gosh. - Oh, my God. - Are you all right? - Are you okay? - How did I do that? - Yeah, that was amazing. - That was insane. - Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm okay. I don't know; I'm, like, 100% --I'm 100% okay. Wait, what are you guys- did you guys get kidnapped too? Are you a double agent? Who do you work for? Adam, there's no Dick Blownoff. Actually, I'm Dick Blownoff. You said, "Dick blown off. " - Yeah. - Oh, I've been saying that. - That's funny. - Yeah, we thought of it. Yeah, well, Ders made up that character, because we were trying to get you out of your slump. I mean, you were so depressed, and we want to party with you, man. We want to go on this booze cruise. Then who's this guy? Well, this is Ryan Gall. He's an actor that we hired from Karl. - Yeah, more like hack-tor. - Yeah. - Excuse me? - That's funny. You're an actor. So you know Flo from the Progressive commercials? No, not personally. Okay, this guy's not really an actor. Hey, Karl, we square? Hell, yeah, man. We're good. Okay, can I get a little weed? Oh, for sheezy, bro. - What do you need? - Halfer? - Half pound? - Yeah, I need it. Half LB of the green, coming right up, man. - In the van, okay? - Let's do it. Stay high. Stay lifted. I knew he wasn't a spy, 'cause spies love huge bazoingas. That's, like, a rule when you become an international man of mystery. Thank you guys for lying to me to make me feel better. That's--that's really cool. Hey, for you, man, any time. You know what? I hope you guys are ready and prepare your brains to party on Rancho Cucamunga's only Land Booze Cruise! Hey! Whoo! Yeah, boy. Oh, God. - I am a little injured. - Yeah. Yeah, I didn't notice that right away. That is--ahh, it's starting to burn. - Yeah, blow on it. - Look for my palm. Man, this-- I am having fun right now. Total blast. A lot of dudes.