Of Course He's Dead

Men. Charlie lived life to its fullest and-and gave it everything he had. Gave me herpes. Vaginal warts. He used my panties to make tea. My point is, um, that Charlie lived life on his own terms. Blah, blah, blah. Why can't we see the body? Charlie Harper was the love of my life and a wonderful, wonderful man. He slipped on the Metro platform and fell in front of an oncoming train. His body just exploded like a balloon full of meat. I know what you said you wanted, but I really don't think Pamela Anderson will agree to swallow your ashes. I ain't cleaning him up. Men. Imagine me and you, I do I think about you day and night It's only right To think about the boy you love And hold him tight So happy together So how is the weather? Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba Ba, Ba-Ba-Ba, Ba-Ba, Ba Ba-Ba, Ba, Ba. Lunchtime. Here you go. Tuna on toast with vodka. Oh, don't give me that look. It needs to eat. Oh, is it sulking? Well, if it doesn't eat, it gets the hose. That's better. And pick up the napkin. Just because it lives in a pit, it doesn't have to live like an animal. Thank you. And after it eats, it changes its clothes. Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah. Men. Men. Got any good mail? Uh, let's see. Uh, electric bill, cable bill, water bill. Here you go. Do you ever experience shame? Uh, shame is a rich man's emotion. I can barely afford embarrassment. Oh, wow. Something for Charlie. I-I told you to cancel his subscription to the Sex Toy of the Month Club. Oh, can't. He paid for life. And, uh, January was butt plug month. Oh. Oh, it's, uh it's from his music publisher. You okay? I'm-I'm I'm not sure. Look. "Dear Mr. Harper: "We are holding unclaimed music royalties for you in the amount of $2. 5 million. " Looks like those children's records he made are still making money. Uh, say the number again. $2. 5 million. Apparently, it's been stacking up since he died. Like the butt plugs. Alan, you do realize that money will go to his next of kin. Uh, yeah. That's me. Why do think I keep going What about your mother and his daughter? Oh, you're serious. Alan, you can't keep that kind of money secret from them. Why not? I kept from you that I used your Tesla to drive for Uber. Hello. Yes, I-I just received a notice of unclaimed royalties for Charlie Harper that I would like to claim. Oh, oh, yeah, sure, I'll hold. What are you doing? Uh, claiming. Uh, yes, yes. Hi. Uh, I am, uh, Alan Harper. Uh, I'm Charlie Harper's next of kin. Yes, uh, uh, sadly, he-he passed away four years ago. Yes, I-I am sorry, too. Uh, he's irreplaceable. Uh, anyway, um I guess you can just, you know, send me the check and Uh, death certificate? Uh, o-okay, uh, is that is that necessary to get the money? Okay. Uh, how about, uh, you send me the check, I'll send you the death certificate? Or we can do it your way. Uh, uh, oh, oh, and by the way, um, uh, when you give me the money, do you notify the IRS, or is that my responsibility? Mine! Perfect. Uh, bye-bye. Our divorce is final, right? Alan, I neither want nor need your money. Oh, I know that, uh, but could you say that again on camera? O-Okay, okay. You don't have the death certificate, do you? No, but I'm sure my mom does. How are you going to get it from her without telling her about the money? Uh, remember four years ago how I told you I'd only be here for a few days? I think I can figure it out. I can't wait for this to be over. Men. Well, this is a surprise. You visit so seldom. I know. I know. I need to do it more. I wasn't complaining. So, how have you been? Well, uh, uh, it's funny you should ask. Um, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I'm not giving you a penny. I, uh I didn't come for money. Or a place to live or a car. Or affection or nurturing. I get it. Uh, uh, I was thinking. You know, um, well, maybe it's my age, but, uh, I'm starting to reflect on the big questions. You know, what's what's it all about? Uh, why are we here? What happens when we die? I know what happens when I die. You get nothing. Mom, I-I told you, I did not come here Really? Nothing? It's not because I don't love you. I just don't want to give you a reason to kill me. You mean another reason. Where are all these morbid thoughts coming from? As long as I've known you, you've never been much of a thinker. Or a a doer or a provider or pretty much anything with "er" at the end. Maybe I've been asking all these questions because the anniversary of Charlie's death is coming up. So? - So I was thinking it might be nice to do something to commemorate it. Like what? Snort coke off a hooker's butt? Uh, actually, uh, uh, more like, uh, make a a memorial collage. A what? A a memorial collage. You know, a collection of images celebrating his life. Uh, things like, uh, his birth certificate, uh, family pictures, death certificate, uh, awards, sheet music, diplomas, death certificate, um I don't know how much I can help you. I-I've got his birth certificate, a few baby pictures, the little hash pipe he made in camp. No death certificate? No. I-I just thought you had it. Oh. Well, bye. Men. I'm sorry. I can't find any record of your brother's death. You sure? Uh, newspapers, obituaries? No, I checked everything on Charlie Harper-- both here and in France-- and I-I found a bunch of weird self-shot sex videos, including one featuring what appears to be the USC men's water polo team? I also found this crazy rant about a former employer. But there's nothing about his death. How is that possible? Did you ever see the body? There was no body. The man was hit by a train. All that was left was a a meat smoothie and a couple of teeth. Well, how do you know he's really dead? Well, of course he's dead. I have his ashes. How do you know that they're his ashes? Well, what do you want me to do, test them for herpes? Men. Twinkle, twinkle, little star I always know just where you are In a pit below my house You will always be my spouse. Oh, boy. Never put a window in a dungeon. Men. Men. Yes, I am calling about the $2. 5 million in unclaimed royalties for Charlie Harper. Uh, uh, good news. Uh, I have just received the death certificate from France. Uh, it's in French and everything so you know it's real. Oh, oh, sure, I'll hold. Uh, "cause de dÃ©cÃ¨s. " Uh uh, Le train. Oh, yes, yes, I'm still here. What? It's already been claimed? By whom? Was it an older red-headed woman wearing a coat made of Dalmatians? What do you mean, you can't tell me? A a numbered account in the Cayman Islands? That makes no sense. FedEx just dropped off a box addressed to Charlie. Uh uh, uh, I'll call you back. If that's a blow-up sex doll, can I have it? My grandkids need a pool toy. Cuban cigars? Charlie's favorite smokes. Single malt scotch? Charlie's favorite breakfast. What the hell? Looks the knife he used to chase you around the house with. Yeah, that's it. "I'm coming home, and you're going to pay. " That's got to be a wrong number. You never pay for anything. Men. Walden! - Alan? Ms. McMartin, I'm sorry. Uh, where's Walden? I'm a little busy, Alan. Oh, okay. Uh, are-are you aware she's reading Cosmo? It's a how-to article. Well, it's not so much "how to," as "how to do it better. " Seriously? Hey. Even Tiger Woods needs a swing coach. Listen, can you just come back in, like, what, 20 minutes? Eh No. This can't wait. Look at this text. Okay, that can't be for you. You never pay for anything. I think, somehow, some way Charlie is still alive. Okay, this is ridiculous. There's more. A package came addressed to him. Oh, is it something that vibrates? 'Cause I could really use some help with this. He ain't lying. No. It's-it's-it's not sex toys. I am telling you, Charlie is coming back, and he is not happy with me. Well, at the moment, neither am I. Should I go? No, no, no, no, no. We're so close. Eh-eh Walden, it's like you said. I mean, there was no proof that Charlie ever died. All we have is Rose's word. Who's Rose? Oh, she's this crazy millionairess that used to stalk Charlie, and then he married her. And then she started stalking me. Why? Did you sleep with her? Alan slept with her, too. Hey, after 12 years, everybody's slept with everybody. Alan! Alan, where are you? Uh, in here! Oh, for God sakes! That's my mother. Uh, oh, Walden slept with her, too. Uh you slept with my mom! No, that was just a handy in a hotel bar. I am a gentleman. We need to talk. Oh. Who's this? Uh, this is my son's social worker, Ms. McMartin. And you're shtupping her. How lovely. Uh, Mom, don't be rude. Uh, and I shtupped her first. I really should go. Yeah. Uh, okay. Just remember which step we're on. Number six: "finding the little man in the canoe. " I don't remember you having any trouble Okay, everybody stop! What are you doing here? I want to know why you sent me this hateful e-mail. Uh, "Dear Mom: "You were always a horrible mother "and a repulsive human being, "and I hope you rot in hell. "But before you do, I will have my revenge. " Okay, I don't disagree with anything here but I did not send that. Really? Who else would call me "a horrible mother"? No, no, it's still ridiculous. What's ridiculous? Alan has this crazy idea that Charlie's still alive. But then who sent her that e-mail? Who sent me this text? Where did the cigars, booze and chasin' knife come from? Wait, what's a chasin' knife? Uh, it's a regular knife after two bottles of scotch and some blow. Who else would have sent it? I don't know. Like, somebody that wants to freak you out. Think about it: Who has something to gain from this? Who else has a claim on that money? What money? No money. There's no money. Alan, will you just tell her? I don't want to. Alan! Turns out, uh, there are some unclaimed royalties, uh, from Charlie's recordings. How much? Uh, two and a half thousand dollars. Alan! Million. $2. 5 million. Ah, the memorial collage. That's why you wanted the death certificate-- so you could claim the money. You dirty rat bastard. What would you have done? We're wasting time here. Now, who else could have a claim on the money? Oh, God! Ah, damn it. She found the little man without me. Men. Anyway, we were thinking of putting together a sort of memorial collage Oh, for God sakes, will you just tell her? Um, some money owed to your father has been discovered. Really? How much? Two and a half thousand. Million. It's $2. 5 million. Why are you here? You know what? I've been asking myself that since day one. Honestly, I forgot she was here. Look, anyway, somebody claimed it and transferred it into a numbered account in the Caymans. And you think it was me? Would I be living in a one-bedroom apartment if I had that kind of money? I don't have my contacts in. Was that the same one or different? Excuse me. Wow. You hang a penis on that girl, and you've got Charlie. Thank you. Huh. Certified letter from a law firm. Might mean traveling money. Stand by. Oh, my God. What is it? Am I seeing that right? That's a lot of zeroes. It's a cashier's check for $100,000. Who's it from? I don't know. Oh, but there's a note. It says, "Buy yourself something nice. Sorry I wasn't there for you. " I don't care who it's from. Apology accepted. Is the bathroom in here? Men. "Buy yourself something nice. "Sorry I broke your heart "and banged your sister. As I write this, I realize those two things might be related. " Hmm. Screw my sister. Men. "Buy yourself something nice. "Sorry I shot you. I didn't know I was loaded. " Men. "Buy yourself something nice. Tell your mom I'm sorry I gave her chlamydia. " Men. "Sorry I never called. Buy yourself a nice vagina. " Aw. Men. Well, obviously Jenny didn't claim the royalties. Why would she send a check to herself? Yeah, but you still don't know it was Charlie. Oh, who else is going to send an unemployed lesbian actress $100,000? I don't know. Ellen DeGeneres? I'm telling you, Charlie's alive. Oh, good. Then I don't have to tell you. Men, men, men. Men. Charlie is still alive? Yeah, kinda. What do you mean, "kinda"? 'Cause she "kinda" drank when she was pregnant with me, and now I "kinda" can't do math. Hey. Hey. What are you still doing here? Oh, I accidentally fell asleep in Zippy's room. How do you accidentally fall asleep? You accidentally wash down your pain pills with scotch. What's Fatal Attraction doing here? She says that Charlie is still alive. I knew it. Alan, if you move out and Charlie stays here with Walden, I believe that we can keep this going for another five years. Yeah, I don't think so. Uh so, uh what exactly happened to Charlie? Yeah, start from the beginning. You mean from the pilot? No, uh, what happened to my brother after you married him? Oh. Well, we had a wonderful wedding, and then we flew to Paris for our honeymoon. We were so happy. So animated. We went up on the Eiffel Tower and went down on the Champs-ElysÃ©es. Ooh! Afterwards, we celebrated our love with a romantic candlelit dinner at the Ritz. Of course, I've always known Charlie was no saint, but I thought marriage would change him. Huh? I was wrong. So wrong. Huh? Disturbingly wrong. I ran from the room, determined to never see him again. Charlie He finally caught up with me at the train station, but all I could think about was revenge. But at the last second, fate intervened. So I booked us a cruise home. We moved in to a brand-new house in Sherman Oaks-- the good part, south of the boulevard-- where we could live as a happy couple. Wait a minute. You bought a house with a dungeon? And a pit? Of course not. I had it remodeled. The permit process was just a nightmare. Next time, use my pit guy. He's the best. Continue. For the next four years, we were the happiest we'd ever been. I'd feed him bathe him and, of course, there was endless magical lovemaking. Then, a few days ago, the unthinkable happened. Somehow, he managed to make a rope out of his bowling shirts and ran away, disappearing into the darkness. Th-Th-Th-That's all, folks. Men. Men. Charlie escaped? Uh, no. Prisoners escape. Lovers run away because they're afraid of commitment. Any-who, I just thought I should tell you. You know, in case he drops by and guts you all like fish. Why me? He doesn't even know me. Oh, I told him all about you-- how you're richer than him, prettier than him, and moved into his house and carried on like he never existed. Thank you. Hold on, Rose. If Charlie is alive, who's in the urn? Oh. That's Billy. Who's Billy? The bisexual goat who gave his life that your son might live. So so, what are we supposed to do now? Wait a second. Are we really not gonna talk about the fact that Charlie was having sex with a goat? Well, you didn't know Charlie. It would have been weirder if he hadn't. Well, now that you're all caught up, I'll say my good-byes. You're leaving? Um, yeah. I'm not gonna stick around to find out what he's going to do to me just because I loved him too much. Toodles. Nah. That's just stupid. No no, no, no, no, this is ridiculous. He's not gonna hurt anybody. Oh, of course not. Rose, wait up. What, you're you're leaving, too? Alan, your brother wasn't very pleasant if he missed his morning coffee. How do you think he's going to be after four years in a pit? So you're just gonna bail? Uh yep. Berta, good-bye. I never really cared for you. Right back at you, Red. Walden I loved you like a son. Alan good luck. Well, I-I guess we should go, too. Hold on. We're not really gonna run 'cause of some crazy woman's story and some vague text threats. Okay, this one's a little more specific. What does it say? "You despicable troll. "You thought you could replace my ninja awesomeness, "you lame clown? "I will deploy my army of assassins to destroy you. "I will bring my bayonets of truth "to the hexagon of death, "where I will carve my initials into your reptilian skull and cover you in tiger's blood. " Hard to believe he wrote children's songs, isn't it? Yeah, we're gonna need some help. Yeah, we're gonna need a lot of help. Here, try these. They won't keep him from hurting you, but they will keep you from feeling it. Men. Uh, thank you for meeting with us on such short notice, Lieutenant. Anything for you, my friend. How can I help? Men. Men. So, uh, that's about it, uh, uh, Lieutenant Wagner. Uh, Wagner. No, not Wagner; Wagner. Uh, W-A-G-N-E-R. Wagner. "Vhatever. " All right, now, let me see if I got this straight. your wife kicked you out, and then you and your dumb son moved in with your brother. Uh, uh, he wasn't dumb at the beginning. Uh, he got dumb later on. What happened? Uh, well, turned out it was funnier. All right. So your brother then let you stay there eight and a half years rent-free, even though you claim that he never liked you. Ah. Ah, you're not the only one to point out the illogic. And this brother of yours supposedly died in Paris under mysterious circumstances. It wasn't all that mysterious. I mean, he was taking a lot of drugs and pissed off almost everybody. And then you tried to drown yourself, but you changed your mind because the water was too cold. And then you got into his house and offered to buy it. It seemed like a good idea at the time. And then you let him and his son stay there for four more years. Right. Rent-free. Well, when you say it like that, it sounds ridiculous. And then your dead brother's previously unknown lesbian daughter shows up, and then you let her move in. You can't write this stuff, huh? And then the two of you got married to each other. Yes. But you're not gay. Well, I'm not. And then you adopted a black child. Ah, ah, he's, uh he's more Eurasian. Uh Oh, what a sweetie pie. And the two of you are now divorced? Mmm. But you're living together. If I leave, the whole thing falls apart. Yeah, of course. Uh, and now the woman who stalked your brother and then married him all of a sudden shows up and she says that he's not dead after all, that she has been keeping him in a dungeon pit in the San Fernando Valley. Ah, uh, Sherman Oaks. Uh, but the good part-- uh, south of the boulevard. And then he escaped, and he sent you cigars and whiskey. Oh, and don't forget the chasin' knife. Oh, and the threatening text. He said, uh, "I'm coming home, and you're gonna pay. " I'm confused. 'Cause you said he doesn't pay for anything. I think the point is, is that we need you to find him becau This guy has some serious rage issues. Has he tried anger management? Yeah, but it didn't work. Okay. Well, I have this inscription now, and so if we find him, I'll let you know. Uh, well - Thank you. Uh, really appreciate it. No problem. Now, if I can, uh, offer you a word of advice Mm-hmm? I would consider wrapping this whole thing up. Uh, what do you mean? I mean the whole living arrangement. The kids, the girls, the beach house. I mean, this whole thing has been going on way too long. Yeah, a lot of people been saying that. Haters gonna hate. Men. We should get out of town for a couple of days. You know, go to a nice resort, uh, get some facials, Mani-pedis. You know, a guys' weekend. No we're not going anywhere. We got a state-of-the-art security system. Nobody gets in unless we let them in. What the hell? "We got a state-of-the-art security system. No one gets in unless we let them in. " Shut up. No, you shut up. Hey. Jake? - Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Hey! What are you doing here? Yeah, I thought you were in the Army. Come on. Look at me. Do I look like someone who's in the Army? Not on our side. Come in. Hey. These are pretty cool. Where'd you get them? Target? You get it? 'Cause of the there's the circles Yeah, no, no, I got it. I got it. No. Here's the thing. It turns out that your Uncle Charlie might still be alive. Oh. That would explain why I got a check for $250,000 and a note that said, "I'm alive. " You have $250,000? Not anymore. I stopped in in Vegas on the way here. Oh, God. How much do you have left? Two and a half million. Oh! You won $2. 5 million? Oh, yeah. It's not that hard. I kept playing craps because, you know, "crap. " Oh, and I kept betting on come, because Wow. That's amazing that you made so much money with such stupid jokes. Taterhead! Hey, Berta. Oh, look at you! You look like a grown man. Really? Which one? I've missed you. Berta, what are you still doing here? No idea. By the way, you're out of pot. Where'd these things come from? Target? Ah. Too late. I already did that joke. Ah No, somebody left them here. You didn't hear anything? I heard colors. No, I-I am telling you, Charlie is planning on killing us all. Okay. It was good to see you guys. Wait, Th-that's it? You're leaving? Oh, nothing personal-- I just got to get back to Japan and tell my wife and kids that we're rich. You're you're married? Yeah. Didn't I mention that? No. Wh-Wh-Wh-Whoa. You have kids? Well, they're hers. She's a dancer. Uh, let me guess-- a pole dancer? No, she's Japanese. Well, see you. All right, all right, we-we got to close these shades. Anybody on the beach will have a clear shot at us. Right. Do this Man, it sucks to be you guys. Men. Hello? Judith, it's me. Oh, hey, Alan. Isn't it wonderful about Jake? Uh, yeah, wonderful. Listen Did he give you $100,000, too? He gave you $100,000? No. What do you want? Uh, uh, okay, long story short-- it turns out my brother is alive and he's out for revenge. Revenge? For what? Well, he didn't think I could go on without him. He thought I was more of a supporting character in his life, but it turns out I-I was sort of a co-lead. Um, a-anyway, I just wanted you to know that if anything were to happen to me, you were the love of my life. Oh, Alan, that is so sweet. Hang on, honey. I'm getting another call. She's not coming back. Men. Hello? Bridget, hi. It's Walden. Hey, Walden. What's up? I can't go into detail, but I just I wanted to say that I wish I'd been a better husband. Well, thank you. And I just want to say that I'm having sex with John Stamos. I'm not lying. Go for Stamos. Stamos, you're just a handsome guy who got lucky on a sitcom. Listen, um, I'm just gonna set the phone down so you can listen to me shish-kebab your old lady, okay? Bye-bye. Men. Hold on, fellas. Hello. Uh, Kandi, it's Alan. Oh, hi, Alan! I just wanted you to know that, even though we were only married for a short time, you were the love of my life. Oh, how sweet. And you were the first guy I had tushy sex with. You guys didn't hear that. Men. Hello. Zoey. Hi. It's Walden. Oh, Walden. How are you, darling? Uh, not so good. Uh that's why I'm calling. I I just wanted to tell you that I've been thinking about you lately, and I'm sorry about the way things ended. Oh, well water under the bridge. Listen, I'd love to chat, but I'm in the middle of a coronation. Of a what? A coronation. I married King Rupert of Moldavia, and I'm being crowned queen, so You're the queen of Moldavia? What can I say? Thank you, JDate. Shalom. Darling, you still breathing? Men. Hello? Lyndsey, it's Alan. Hi, Alan. I was just showing off the beautiful engagement ring you gave me. Great. Listen, I-I just wanted you to know that if anything were to happen to me, you were the love of my life. Oh, baby. You're the love of my life. So, how much? Men. Okay, I will say it one more time. Resort hotel till the cops find him. We can be in Vegas in two hours. Styx is playing Mandalay Bay. No, if I let Charlie drive me out of this house, I reward his bad behavior. Yeah. That's only supposed to happen in show business. Which we are not in. Not anymore. Oh. Hello? Valden? Walden. That's what I said. Look, I have good news. We found your boy. They found Charlie. Are-are they sure? Uh, uh, are are you sure it's him? Well, he matches the description. Bowling shirt, cargo shorts, and he's babbling away incoherently. That sounds like him. Wh-Where'd you find him? In a trashed hotel room with a hooker in the closet. That's absolutely him. Oh, my Thank you so much. This is a huge relief. Oh, you're welcome. Uh, see you in the gym. Okay. Hasta la vista. I'm telling you, I'm not Charlie Harper. Then who are you? My name is Christian Slater. I'm an actor, all right? I was in a bar, and this guy hands me a drink. Next thing I know, I wake up in a hotel room dressed like a 12-year-old, with a screaming woman in the closet. Yeah, right. And I'm the governor of California. That bitch stole my watch. Men. Men. What do you think Charlie will do when he gets out of jail? Well, if the past is any indication, he'll sober up and reflect on his past mistakes, apologize to everyone, and then do something even worse. See, I'm not so pessimistic. I'm hoping someday he and I can be buddies. Good one. By the way, when this cigar is done, so am I. Yeah, you calling it a day? Calling it a career. You're quitting? I didn't want to rub your nose in it, but Charlie sent me a big-ass check, so I'm out of here. Where you gonna go? Don't know. Somewhere the sun is bright, the pot is strong and the men are stupid. That's here. You're right. I'm staying. Wow. Look at that. Someone's having a piano delivered by helicopter. Mmm. That's the kind of extravagant thing Charlie would do. Oh, uh, he had a baby grand just like that. It's coming right this way. You don't think that it's possible that the cops got the wrong guy, do you? Nah. - Nah. Winning.