Kiss of Death

(Eric and Donna are standing in Eric’s driveway after a date. Donna’s black and white cat, Mr. Bonkers, runs up to them.)

Donna: Hey, Mr. Bonkers! (She picks up the cat) You naughty kitty! I’ll be right home, keep my bed warm, okay? (She sets the cat down.)

Mr. Bonkers: Meow!

Eric: Hey, keep your paws to yourself! That’s my girlfriend.

Donna: So what was your favorite part of the movie?

Eric: Uh, my favorite part of the movie was when we made out.

Donna: (Laughs) Yeah. Movies are fun.

Eric: Yeah.

(They kiss)

Donna: Goodnight. (She walks home.)

(Red walks out of the house and looks at the car, then at Eric.)

Red: You know, it’s amazing how you always manage to pull the car right up to the garage, but not actually in it.

Eric: Yep. Takes a keen eye, and a sure foot.

Red: How would you like your keen eye to watch my sure foot kick your smart ass?

Eric: Why don’t I pull the car in?

(He gets in the car and starts it. The car moves a few inches, then stops.)

Eric: What the…?

Red: You’re moving it a foot, and you hit something!

Eric: (He gets out of the car and stands next to his dad.) Oh, god, no! It’s…it’s Mr. Bonkers!

Red: Wow, that is one dead cat.

(Eric just stands there, mortified.)

(Theme song plays.)



(Eric’s basement. Hyde is sitting in his chair watching TV. Fez is sitting on the couch watching TV and eating cheese puffs. Kelso is sitting in the chair to the right, and Jackie is sitting in his lap.)

Fez: If I was stranded on a desert island with only one form of cheese…no question, it would have to be the puff. (He eats a cheese puff.)

Kelso: You know who’s my little cheese puff? Jackie!

Jackie: Oh, Michael, you’re so cute!

Kelso: You’re cute!

Jackie: Cuter!

Kelso: Cutest!

(They kiss)

Hyde: All right, all right! You guys gotta shut up before I blow cheese puff chunks.

(Jackie stands up.)

Jackie: All right Michael, I’ll see you tonight at eight.

Kelso: Okay. (They kiss.)

Jackie: I’ll be counting the minutes.

Kelso: Can’t you just use a clock?

(Jackie looks as if she’s about to say something, then she gives up and leaves.)

Kelso: Man, we’re so back in love!

Hyde: I remember when it was all…(mimicking Jackie and Michael) “You’re an idiot, Michael”, and, “Whoa, what’d I do?” Good times.

Kelso: Sorry man, but I love her.

Fez: Yes, but you don’t deserve her, you son of a bitch.

Kelso: No…what?

Fez: I said…uh, good cheese puffs, you son of a bitch.

(Laurie walks in the door.)

Laurie: Hey, Kelso. I thought we’d get together tonight, so, take a shower, okay?

Kelso: But Laurie, I’m, I’m seeing Jackie tonight.

Laurie: Oh, that’s so sweet! Uh, no. I’ll see you at eight.

Kelso: But, but…

Laurie: You heard me! (She goes upstairs)

Kelso: Damn! My second girlfriend is such a drag. This is bad, man.

Fez: Yes. But only for you. Cheese puff?



(Eric’s driveway. Eric is squatting, dusting something up from the driveway into a dustpan, and looking extremely guilty. Donna walks up behind him.)

Donna: That’s pretty good, Mr. Clean.

(Eric jumps, and stands up.)

Eric: Ha! Ha ha! Well, you know me! I’m…super neat!

Donna: Hey, you know, I can’t find Mr. Bonkers anywhere. Have you seen him?

Eric: No! Uh, I mean…well…yeah, not since last night.

Donna: Huh, well…(Donna speaks, but Eric doesn’t hear her words correctly.) Meow, meow, meow, meow, KILLED, meow, meow.

Eric: What?!?

Donna: I said it’s weird! He always sleeps with me but he never came home last night. Lemme know if you see him, okay?

Eric: Oh, sure thing! Will do.

Donna: Okay. Mr. Bonkers! (She walks off.)

Eric: (Looks guiltily at the driveway.) Yeah, I’m going to hell.



(The Forman’s dinner table. Red, Laurie, Hyde, Kitty, and Eric are all eating dinner.)

Hyde: You didn’t tell her?

Eric: I felt so guilty, I just…I couldn’t.

Laurie: Is it because you’re kinda glad it’s dead?

Eric: (Gives Laurie a disturbed look.) No. Hey, maybe I don’t have to tell her. Maybe she’ll just think Mr. Bonkers ran away.

Red: That works. That’s what we told you when, um—

Kitty: Shhh!

Eric: What?

Kitty: Eric, honey, eat your pizza rolls.

Red: Oh, come on. How hard can this be? You go over there, and you say, hey. I’m a cat killer. I mur—(He starts laughing so hard he can barely get the words out.) I murdered your cat. (He stops laughing and straightens his face.) But you try to say it with a straight face.

(Kitty and Eric are both staring at him, horrified.)

Red: What? Am I the only one that sees the humor in this?

Kitty: I think you might be, Red.

Red: Oh, come on, that thing was always messing in my yard, going through our garbage…

Laurie: Now we have Hyde for that.

Hyde: Oh, yeah, Laurie, and what exactly do you do? Oh! That’s right. The Packers!

Eric: (Raising his hand) Excuse me, dilemma here?

Kitty: Eric, this is not a dilemma. You have to tell Donna. Just be gentle and, and maybe take her a nice little gift.

Laurie: Yeah, like a kitty sized head stone.

Eric: You know what? I should have known you were lying. Sure, Flipper was fast, but…turtles don’t just run away.



(Eric’s basement. Hyde is sitting in his chair. Fez is on the couch eating cheese puffs. Kelso is sitting in the chair to the right. They are all watching “Charlie’s Angels”.)

Fez: Hyde? Which one’s your favorite Charlie’s Angel?

Hyde: I kinda like the blonde with the huge rack.

Fez: Yes. And she distracts the criminals with her huge rack. Heh.

Hyde: Plus she’s got that huge rack.

Fez: Yeah. Ow, my stomach. My cheesy puffy friends have become my enemy.

Kelso: Man, you guys, I gotta break up with Laurie.

Hyde: Kelso, remember how you said you were gonna juggle ‘em both ‘til it blew up in your face?

Kelso: Yeah.

Hyde: Well…kablooie!

Kelso: Okay, I know I tried before, right? But this time, Laurie’ll see how much I love Jackie, and that my motives are good and pure. And then she’ll just let me go.

Hyde: Then you and all the leprechauns can ride unicorns to a wonderful celebration in fairy land!

Fez: Look! The angels are running in slow motion!

(All three crowd around the TV.)

Hyde and Kelso: Damn!

(Their heads bob up and down along with the TV.)

Hyde: That’s just good TV.



(Donna’s house. Donna sits down to eat a sandwich when Eric walks in, carrying something behind his back.)

Eric: Hey, beautiful!

Donna: How’s it going?

Eric: Oh, pretty good. Except I found this here kitten who told me he was looking for someone to love him.

(He pulls out a kitten from behind his back. Donna gets up to pet the kitten.)

Donna: Oh my god! Oh, he’s so cute! Thank you Eric, that’s so sweet! Well, I hope Mr. Bonkers doesn’t get jealous! (To the cat) Hi!

Eric: (Clears his throat) I don’t think that’s gonna happen, Donna, because…I accidentally killed Mr. Bonkers. (Donna stops smiling.) So! What are you gonna name this little fella here?

Donna: What? What are you talking about? I’ve had that cat since I was three! (She hands the kitten back to Eric.) What happened?

Eric: Well, last night, I was…pulling in the car after our date…

Donna: After our date? Last night? Eric, I was looking for him and I asked you. And you said you hadn’t seen him. And you knew I was worried sick about him!

Eric: I know, Donna! That’s why it was so hard to tell you.

(Bob and Midge walk in the door carrying groceries.)

Bob: Hey there, ho there, hi there. What’s going on?

Donna: Why don’t you ask the man who murdered our cat?

(She walks out of the kitchen.)

Eric: No! No! That’s not, I didn’t murder your cat! It was…he climbed under my car. It was a total accident.

Midge: Well I should hope so, because what did he ever do to you?



(Eric’s kitchen. Kelso is talking to Laurie.)

Kelso: I don’t wanna live with this lying anymore. Because I only love Jackie.

Laurie: Okay. So, do you wanna go up to my room and have sex?

Kelso: Uh….sure! (Realizes what he’s doing.) No, wait! No! (He lets go of her and crosses to the other side of the room, his back to the window.) No! Okay, I…this…Laurie, I…I’m serious. We’re over.

Laurie: Wow. I think you really mean it.

Kelso: I totally do.

(Jackie walks up to the house. Laurie sees her in the window.)

Laurie: Okay, Kelso, you’re free! You know what I’d like, though? Just one last goodbye kiss.

Kelso: Um…okay, well sure.

(They kiss. Jackie walks up to the window and sees them. She’s shocked. She opens the door.)

Jackie: Michael!

Kelso: (Breaking away from Laurie) jackie! We were…(Jackie runs away) No, there was…

(He gives up, and turns back, dejected.)

Laurie: Wow, how ironic, huh?

(She leaves the room. Kelso bangs his head against the wall.)



(Eric’s basement. Eric, Hyde, and Fez are all sitting playing cards. Jackie bursts into the room.)

Jackie: Eric, I just saw Michael kissing your sister. Okay, he’s a rat! He’s been cheating on me!

Eric: (in mock surprise) What? Well, surely there must be some kind of mistake! Right, guys? Come on!

Hyde: (Sarcasm, same as Eric.) Well it sure is a mind blower!

Jackie: So that’s it! Michael and I are over!

Fez: (Stands up.) Really? And by over you mean…

Jackie: I mean over and done! All right, forever!

Fez: Uh-huh. Now by forever you mean…

Jackie: And after everything I put up with, I mean, god. Him taking Pam Macy to the prom, setting my house on fire, lying about Laurie, god!

Hyde: To be fair, that’s only the stuff you know about.

(Eric hits him. Fez nods. Jackie leaves, frustrated.)

Fez: This is incredible. My time has come! Today, I will make Jackie mine! (He heads for the door, then leans over suddenly in pain.) Ai!

Hyde: Hey, what’s wrong?

Fez: I don’t know! I think my guts are bursting with love!



(The guys getting high. They’re in a new place, but we can’t tell where.)

Eric: So, Fez, my mom says your appendix has to come out. Man, you must be in tons of pain.

Fez: (In a hospital bed, so we can see they’re in the hospital.) Wheeeeeeeeeee! Cheese puffs out, pain pills in.

Eric: (Laughing) Fez loves his pills.

Kelso: Boy, I wish there was a pill I could take. Get rid of my pain. Forget about Jackie pill.

Hyde: Hell, if they made that pill, I’d take it. Kelso man, this is what you get for trying to do the right thing.

Fez: Want to know a secret? I’m not wearing anything under my dress. Look! (He raises the covers.)

Eric: (Putting the covers back down.) Whoa! Put that away! Yeah, man, it just sucks when you try to do the right thing. And then she yells at you for killing her cat.

Kelso: Eric, you don’t know how lucky you are. I’d give anything to be able to tell Jackie I killed her cat.

Hyde: Nothing’s sadder than when two people break up. Except this time when it’s funny!

Fez: By the way, Eric, if your mom ever says, ready for your catheter, the answer is no. (squirms uncomfortably.)

(Eric’s front porch. Donna and Jackie are talking.)

Jackie: Donna, we’re supposed to be friends. Would it have killed you to say, I know you love him, but Michael’s a jerk?

Donna: Jackie, I think my exact words were, I know you love him, but Michael’s a jerk. So…have you seen Kelso since…

Jackie: No. He’s a liar, and a cheater. Maybe that’s how all guys are.

Donna: I know how you feel. Like, it’s bad enough what Eric did to Mr. Bonkers, then he lied to me.

Jackie: Yeah. Eric put off telling you something because he didn’t wanna hurt you. Whoo! That is so much worse that cheating on you with another woman. Oh, wait. No it’s not!

Donna: Oh. Wow. I guess Eric was just trying to be nice. Maybe I’m overreacting.

Jackie: Look. Lemme tell you something, Donna. Until goody-goody Eric cheats on you with your stupid dead cat, I suggest you shut up.



(Eric’s back porch. Kelso and Eric are talking.)

Kelso: God, I miss Jackie.

Eric: I KNOW!!



(A hospital room. Fez is lying in the hospital bed. Kitty walks in followed by two doctors.)

Kitty: Well, you’re in luck, Fez! The bars closed early today, so we found a doctor to do your surgery! (She laughs. She lifts the blanket covering Fez.) Oh, good. I see they’ve already shaved you.

Fez: Actually, I did that myself. (Kitty gives him a worried look.) Lucky coincidence, huh?

Kitty: Okay, then. Time for sleepy-sleepy. (They put the gas to Fez’s face.) Okay, now count back from one hundred.

Fez: One hundred…ninety-nine…(He begins to drift off)…twenty-seven…

(Fez begins to dream.)

Fez voice over: Once upon a time there were three little girls who went to the police academy. Now they were police. My name is Fez.

(Jackie enters a room, aims a gun around, then jumps back up against a wall. She motions with her gun for the others. Laurie and Donna walk in, and pose with their guns for a few seconds. Then they walk to a door. Donna stands in front of it, and Jackie and Laurie stand back to back.)

Donna: Stand back. (She aims her gun.)

Jackie: And remember, girls, this one’s for Fez.

(Donna kicks the door in and they all enter the room. Kelso is standing there in a white suit, about to blow up the building. The girls aim their guns at him.)

Laurie: This is your unlucky day now that Fez’s angels are here.

Kelso: (With an Italian accent.) Don’t move. I’m gonna blow up Fez headquarters. I can’t bear to see any of you with such a…handsome foreign sex machine. (He licks his hands and slicks back his hair.) This is gonna be a blast.

Jackie: Whatever.

(She runs around him and grabs him around the waist from behind. Laurie kicks him in the face and he falls backwards. Jackie dumps him head first in a barrel and his feet are sticking up. He kicks. The girls group together and pose with their guns aimed at him.)

Donna: You’re a real barrel of laughs. (The girls laugh.)

(The camera cuts to the girls in an office. Jackie and Donna are sitting in chairs, Laurie is sitting on a desk. They are talking through a speaker phone to Fez.)

Fez: Congratulations on a job well done, angels.

The girls: Thank you, Fez.

Laurie: Are we going to see you soon?

(Cut to Fez in a hot tub surrounded by girls.)

Fez: No, I can’t get away. I’m in a little hot water right now. (The girls laugh.)

(The screen flashes an explosion with the words “Fez’s Angels” in front of it. Cut to Jackie in a nurse’s outfit, leaning over Fez in the hospital bed.)

Jackie: Fez, Fez, honey! Oh, thank god you pulled through. I was afraid you’d die before I got to tell you. I love you! (She leans over and tries to kiss him.)

Fez: No, no, Jackie. No sex now. We must wait.

Jackie: Until we’re married?

Fez: No. Until the catheter comes out.

Jackie: Fez? Fez?

(Jackie’s words turn in to Kitty. She’s shaking Fez to wake him up.)

Kitty: Fez? Fez?

Fez: I told you! No sex now!

(He opens his eyes to see Kitty and becomes instantly embarrassed. Kitty just smiles at him.)



(The Pinciotti’s house. Bob, Midge and Donna are sitting at the kitchen table looking at a photo album. Midge gets up to answer the door. It’s Red and Eric. Red’s holding a casserole in a Tupperware bowl.)

Red: Hey there, Midge. Kitty, uh, insisted I bring this over to show our sorrow because of your loss.

Bob: Aw, thanks, Red. We were all sitting around reminiscing about our dear departed cat. Mr. Bonkers J. Pinciotti.

Midge: Do you have a story you wanna share, Red?

(She shuts the door behind them.)

Bob: We’d sure appreciate it. Seeing as how your son killed him.

(Red looks at Eric, who is ashamed.)

Red: Okay. Well I remember he used to come into my yard, and uh…and uh…you know, I’d uh…throw a bucket at him or…spray him with the hose. And he’d run away. Then he’d come back. I’d do it again! (smiling) I guess you…you could say we kinda had our own thing. (getting teary eyed.) Wow. Okay, enjoy the casserole.

(he rushes out the door.)

Bob: (Standing up.) We set up a Mr. Bonkers memorial slide show in the other room.

(He and Midge leave the kitchen.)

Eric: So.

Donna: Uh-huh.

Eric: Uh, that casserole there’s a seven layer. Of course, uh, two of those layers are peas and I really should have told you right away about your cat, but it’s a pretty good casserole, there’s ham in it.

(Donna laughs at him.)

Donna: Look, Eric, I know you didn’t wanna hurt me, and I understand that. It’s just…we’ve gotta be honest with each other. I mean, especially now that we’ve…you know. We’ve…you know! (Eric laughs.) ‘Cause, I just don’t wanna end up like Jackie and Kelso.

Eric: (Sits down.) No, no, I don’t think we’re gonna end up like Jackie and Kelso. I mean, I lie out of the goodness of my heart.

Donna: It’s still a lie, Eric.

Eric: Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry, Donna. About everything. (He sticks out his bottom lip in a pout. Donna smiles and kisses him.)

Donna: All right, well, from now on, no more secrets.

Eric: Oh, god, then I guess I’m gonna have to come clean. Okay, in first grade, behind your back, I used to call you Donna Pinch-my-buttie.

Donna: Well, you know Eric, that’s okay. ‘Cause I was the first one to call you Eric Foreskin. (She laughs.)

Eric: You started that? That’s not funny. That one stuck.

Donna: (Laughing) Oh, shut up Foreskin!



(Eric’s basement. Jackie is standing up talking to Donna and Eric, who are sitting on the couch, and Hyde, who’s getting a Popsicle.)

Jackie: So, really, breaking up with Michael could be the start of something great. I am a whole new Jackie.

Hyde: Really? ‘Cause you’re babbling like the old Jackie.

(Michael walks in the door.)

Kelso: Jackie. I’ve been looking for you.

Jackie: Here I am.

Eric: Okay, so you two probably wanna be alone. (He tries to get up, but Hyde stops him.)

Hyde: No, Forman! How can this not be good? Come on. (He sits on the side of the couch to watch.)

Kelso: All right. Jackie, I’ve done some terrible and stupid things. Too many to even list.

Hyde: Oh, hey, give it a shot, man. I’ll fill in the blanks.

Donna: Hyde!

Kelso: All right. But I’m done making excuses. And all I can say is…is that I’m sorry. And I love you. And I will do whatever I can, every day from now on so that you know that’s true. So will you please…please…please take me back?

Jackie: Oh, Michael. No. No, you know what? We’re through. Forever.

Hyde: Whoa, didn’t see that coming. (He gets up.)

Kelso: Fine. (He rushes out of the room. Jackie is left standing there crying.)

Jackie: So, um…that, that, that was the smartest thing I’ve ever done. And, um…and the best. (She lets out a cry and runs over to everyone. Donna and Eric stand up to hug her, but she pushes past them and throws her arms around Hyde.) Hyde!

Hyde: Why does she always come to me?

The End