Zero Larp Thirty

1 - How was school, kids? - Actually pretty great. So, there I was, at the drinking fountain Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, my day was better. I won the contest I entered. We won the lifetime supply of insoles?! - No. - Mm. The Winthorpe Manor LARP. Oh, I can't believe your father and I get to stay at the actual estate where they film my favorite show and we get to act like the Winthorpe characters. W-Wait. I-I knew the first part. Wh-What was the last part? Act like the Winthorpe characters. It still sounds wrong. We get to stay at the house where they film your favorite TV show. Yes, and act like the characters from the show. What part of LARP don't you understand? What's a LARP? Live Action Role Play. - Geez, Dad, read a book. - Then act it out. All the guests will be in character all weekend. Oh, God. Why-Why couldn't you have won a normal contest? Because this is the show I love, Bob. Winthorpe Manor is the American Downton Abbey. I thought that was Mike & Molly. TINA: It weaves a colorful tapestry of what life was like in 1901 for America's wealthiest textile family and the men and women who had the privilege to serve them. Tina, maybe you should go instead of me. - Okay. - Oh, sorry, baby, kids can't go. I guess they didn't have kids in 1901. They were all working in factories, getting covered in soot. Ooh, lucky? So, who's watching us this weekend? A pushover? Not a pushover? We prefer a pushover. Your good friend, Teddy. Ah, the pushover-est. All right, off we go back in time. Try not to alter the future. I hope you packed toilet paper. - I think back then it was just sheep. - I always do. Lin, it's been 3 hours of this theme song I know. (gasps) Look, Bobby, there it is. Winthorpe Manor. BOB: That is wow. I'm telling you, Bobby, this is the life I was supposed to have. I was born a hundred years too late. God's done some good work, but he screwed up my birthday. (panting): Hi! Are you LARPers? We are. I'm Marshall. - Nancy. - Charlene. I'm Linda. (exhales) Whoa, look at me. I'm wheezing up a storm, like Bernice, the cook, when the squirrel got into her pantry. (all laughing) (sighs) Oh, I-I-I've never seen the show. (gasp) I know. I know. It's awful. It's awful. TEDDY: There we are. All done. We are gonna have a weekend of fun with this thing. Gene, you want to wear the engineer's hat? Mm, yeah. Nope, I'm gonna wear it. I'll let you wear it later. All aboa (screams) Whoa! Oh, it's my back. I-I threw it out. Should we call a doctor? - Or just go ahead and put you down? - No, no, no. I-I just need to lie here for a couple of hours. It fixes itself. I get it, bro. I do that even when my back's not out. (shouts) Sure, this isn't ideal, but we'll still have fun. Tell me, what-what's the train's doing? Uh, it's going around. (laughs) I knew it. So, did you just die when you found out you won the contest? Yes! I died and now I'm in Heaven. Hey, where's your plus one? Oh, we do separate LARPs. It works for us. Did everyone here win the contest? No, just Linda and Nancy. The rest of us have the honor of paying a lot of money for this experience. (gasps) Look. Someone's coming. Esteemed paying guests and contest winners, I welcome you to Winthorpe Manor. My name is Mr. Perkins and I am the master of ceremonies. Do we have any experienced LARPers in the group? Right here. My name's Ernie. I've done the, uh, Star Wars LARP, the Tolkien LARP, the, uh, World According to Garp LARP Okay, so then you know that while you're here, you will be randomly assigned characters. You will sleep in the room - of your character - (gasps) - eat the food they ate - Mmm. and wear their clothes. (gasps) I can't believe it. (gasps) William, the under-butler. Oh, I love William. I'll be the best William I can be, with a keen sense of duty, and I'm deaf in my right ear starting now. - Oliver, the footman. - What? Oh, uh, Oliver the footman. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, hello, Oliver. Oh, I'm so nervous. Okay, here it goes. Okay, oh (gasps) Wow, Nancy, Mrs. Winthorpe. Good for you. I can't believe it. Come on, Linda, let's see who you get to be. Okay, here I go. Iris, Mrs. Winthorpe's maid. Goodie, we'll be working together. Well, I won't be working. You will, for me, but we'll be together. Yay! Ah, I'm friggin' Mr. Winthrop. Score. Would all the upstairs characters please get into the auto? - Is another car coming for us? - (laughing): Oh. An automobile is a luxury. Most servants go their entire lives without riding in an auto. Right, right, right, sure. The long walk will allow us to talk about current events. Did you hear about those crazy Wright brothers? They're calling it an "aeroplane. " More like wrong brothers. Am I right, Footman Oliver? Oh, God. MARSHALL: How's your syphilis? BOB: Um, uh, it's clearing up. Don't you all look absolutely amazing. I trust everyone's comfortable in your wardrobes? Uh, my uniform is itchy and it smells like mold. As it would have in 19-aught-one, when a servant of your stature would have worn it. Oh. Now, just a couple of topics to go over. While our LARP has been granted access to every nook and cranny of this famous manor, there are just a few restricted areas: the south wing, the east wing, the central corridor and the entire third, fourth, and fifth floors. Oh, whew, at least we get to go into the gorgeous library, right? Oh, the library is especially off limits. We're not even supposed to look in there. - Huh. - And tomorrow we have a big day planned. Upstairs guests and their personal servants will be allowed to walk through the famous tulip garden. That's you and me. Thank God, I was beginning to think I wasn't gonna get to do anything exciting. Why is a walk through the tulip garden "exciting"? The tulip garden is the pride of the manor. All major plot twists happen in the tulip garden. It's where Humphrey professed his love to Jacqueline - on the eve of his wedding to Cicely. - Got it. Thank you. And we'll conclude this LARP with quite a bang, a decadent seven-course meal, and the dessert is Mrs. Winthorpe's favorite ALL: Seven-layer parfait flambÃ©. It's a seven-layer parfait flambÃ©. That's right. The upstairs guests will enjoy an exact recreation of the two-foot-high parfait that was served in the season finale. It is now cocktail hour in the drawing room. Ooh, cocktail hour in the drawing room. Oh, which is for upstairs guests. Oh, right. Remember, people, this is your LARP. Bring your characters to life. And, Mr. Winthorpe, our cooks were, in fact, able to provide you with a gluten-free experience. Nice. How's that steamed broccoli coming along? LOUISE: Nice and steamy. Great, 'cause I promised your folks that I'd feed you healthy meals. And we appreciate it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Does anyone else feel a little bad? I mean, I know we wanted a pushover for a babysitter, - but this is - Perfect? - 'Cause we got a fall-over. - Right. Should we at least bring him dinner? Sure. Hey, Teddy! - Teddy! - TEDDY: Yeah? You want some dinner?! Yeah, that'd be great, but not that healthy crap. - Just bring me some ice cream. - Oh. I hear this stew is the only dish us servants get to eat all weekend. It's everything a servant needs, right, Iris? It's got all your salt for the day. It's time to serve dinner upstairs. But we just started eating. - Spoons down! - Aah! (whispering): This looks a lot better than the stew. (whispering): Let's drop some on the floor - and come back for it later. - Good idea. Oh. That's the Burgundy glass. - Oh, right. - Oh, Bordeaux. At least she knows that wine goes in a glass. - (laughs) - (chuckles) Honey, Iris was kicked in the head by a horse. - She was? - Yeah. In season two. Oh, right, right, right. Well, I think the lint pickers are fairly compensated. - Right, babe? - Um, yes, dear. Five cents a day is nothing to sneeze at. Five cents a day? It appears the footman has an opinion on the matter. Eh. Go ahead, speak up. Oh, w-well, I just think that with a house this, uh, grand, you could afford to pay your workers more. What's your name, footman? Uh, Bob. I mean, I Oliver. I like your moxie, Oliver. The men will be retiring to the drawing room for cigars and brandy now. Come join us. Oh, no, that-that's okay. Yeah, it's valuable for us wealthy men to understand a worker's perspective. Yes, and you have a fine, vigorous mustache. You clearly come from superior stock. Oh, uh, thanks, I guess. Have fun talking men stuff in the drawing room, which I haven't even seen yet. I'm not gonna have fun, Lin. I don't like brandy or cigars. One sip, one puff and I'll meet you back in our room. I love cigars and brandy! I finally get why people want to be rich! TEDDY: Is it getting late? Is it bedtime yet? Uh, not quite. - It's definitely not 1:00 a. m. - Mm-mm. (groans) Well, I cannot keep my eyes open. I don't know why. Can you toss a blankie my way? And if I could just trouble you for your least favorite plastic receptacle and a smidge of privacy. Why? Oh. Mom's salad spinner? That'll work. - Lin. - Shh. I'm trying to sleep. (whispering): Sorry. Lin. What? I get the appeal of this place. Hey, when we get home, I want to watch Winthorpe Manor with you. What are you doing? Oh. Brushing my livery. One of the upstairs guys lent me this brush. They invited me on the stroll through the tulip garden tomorrow. (sighs) I'm glad you're having fun. What's the matter? It's just not how I pictured this weekend. I mean, I serve people every day in the restaurant, and I thought I was finally gonna get a chance to feel like a wealthy upstairs lady. (sighs) At least I have the tulip garden stroll to look forward to. Well, if you get all your work done, I guess. - (bell ringing) - I mean, you are behind. Uh, Mrs. Winthorpe is ringing for you, Iris. Ugh, what does she want? I don't know. I've been ironing the newspaper, which I'm not good at. You rang? I'd like another pillow. Would you be so kind as to fetch me one? Uh, sure. - (snoring) - (bell ringing) Really? You'd better fetch me a bed wine. A bed wine? Right away. - (snoring) - (bell ringing) Aw, come on. Maybe one more bed wine. No, a bed gin. You know what, just bring them both. Mm-hmm. Here's just a bunch of everything so no need to ring that bell anymore, 'Kay? I see. (clears throat) That'll be all then. Good night, Maid Iris. Good night. (grumbles) - What was that? - Sweet dreams. TEDDY: Morning, kids! Oh, wow, you're still right there. Okay, maybe we should let someone besides the floor heal you. (groans) Fine. I guess I should go to my chiropractor, Dr. Juarez. He's just a few blocks away. But how are we gonna get you there? Huh. You kids have a gurney? Oh, we just got rid of all our gurneys. (groans) Aw, man. Uh, well, we're gonna have to build one, then. Okay, you may have us confused with kids who know things or do stuff. Yeah, we're not gurney MacGyvers. LINDA: Here we go, tulip time. And why exactly are you here? Oh, I was, uh, invited to join the stroll. Oh, not you, Footman Oliver, her. The chambermaids are allowed to come on the tulip garden stroll. They are, but you aren't my chambermaid anymore. I'm not? No, after last night, I decided to replace you with someone who actually wanted the position. Wha? Charlene? Be excited for me, Linda. You'll have whatever Charlene's position was. - Wha?! - Lin, I'm so sorry. I-I know how much you were looking forward to it. Oliver, you coming or not? Uh, I'll stay behind if you want me to. No, go, go. One of us should go. You sure? 'Cause, I mean, I hear the tulips are in pre-bloom, which is supposedly even better than full bloom. - Coming! - Ugh! Nancy and those upstairs fart-faces are walking all over us. Well, Iris, I don't know any Nancy and I'm not familiar with the term "fart-faces. " Oh, come on, Marshall! I know you're in there. And I know you're just as mad about this as I am. Okay, fine, I am angry. I paid good money to be here, and for what? To put some guy's socks on for him? He can't put his own socks on? They're socks. Put 'em on yourself, Paul! We didn't come to Winthorpe Manor to snip wicks. - No, we did not! - OTHERS: No! The servants have been stuck downstairs long enough! Yeah! Yeah, it's true. It's time we go upstairs! ALL: Yeah! Wait, what do you mean? I'm talking about a revolt. I'm talking about a worker uprising. ALL: Yeah! But first, let's finish snipping these wicks and clean up all the wicks so it's nice and neat. - All right. - Yeah! MARSHALL: Are we sure about this? A worker uprising just seems so impolite. Yes, Marshall. We're making this LARP ours. Oh, wow, those were some tulips. More like "three-lips. " (laughs) That-That's that's what we were saying in the garden. You-You had to be there. Wait, what's going on? Can we trust him? Yeah, I think so. The servants are gonna revolt. I see. Hmm, interesting. Sure, the servants have been mistreated, no one's gonna argue that, but we're all experiencing life in one of the great American houses. Will you stop pointing that thing around when you talk? Doesn't make you sound smarter. Yes. It. Does. So what's the plan? How are we gonna pull off an uprising? Uh, we got to hit 'em where it hurts. (gasps) Dinner. We're gonna eat their dinner. Yes! Tonight is the seven-course dinner with the seven-layer parfait flambÃ©! - Oh, wow, they're gonna be pissed. - Good! But they're not gonna just let us eat their dinner. Right, we got to find a way to get them out of the house. Well, they're gonna be out of the house at the shooting party. Shooting party? Yeah, they're all going to shoot clay pigeons later. I mean, I was gonna go also. I-I don't know how this revolt affects all that. I really kind of want to do both. - (growls) - Mostly this. All right, so they're already gonna be out of the house, we just need to keep 'em out of the house. I've got a plan! Does it involve you shooting clay pigeons? Yes, it does because I've always wanted to do that. But I've got an idea that will happen right after it's my turn to shoot. So you guys are sure it's okay to take off the bathroom door? Eh, it's my least favorite door, it just slows you down. You got the hammer and the screwdriver? TINA: Yep. Just start at the bottom hinge and do like I told you. Tap, tap, tap. Tapping! Now remember, someone's got to hold the door or else - (crash) - TINA: Aah! I'm okay. Now just flop me my belly, then flop me on the door. Just line up the door for the money flop. Isn't it gonna hurt to move you? Tremendously. But no matter how much I cry, keep rolling me. - Here goes. - (kids groaning, Teddy yells) Aah! Stop! Stop! Stop! Aah! Stop! Stop! Aah! - Here comes the second flop. - (kids groaning) Aah! (groaning in pain) That was horrible. But I'm on the door. On the door-ish. - Wha? - TINA: We'll get it this time, Teddy. I think I know what we did wrong. Are you sure the three of us are strong enough to lower you down? Yup. Ropes and pulleys, simple machine. Yeah, if anything, this is almost too safe. Go ahead, start letting out the rope. Go slow. TINA: It's working. We did it! High-five! No, no, no! No high-fives! Hands on ropes! (grunting) Oh, boy. Wheels. We forgot, we forgot wheels! How you doing? Good morning. Pull! (gunshot, smash) Oh, that's fun! - Pull! - (gunshot, smash) Oh, that's fun again! Ugh, come on, Bobby, anytime now. Uh, y-you guys keep shooting, no need to look at Footman Oliver going about his servant stuff. (coughs) Whoops, syphilis cough. Let's fire up the engine. (engine starts) What's happening? - Why are the servants in the auto? - Eh? - Iris? - Bob, let's go! Footman Oliver, what's going on? Yeah, I-I better see what that's all about. It's a servant uprising! We're gonna eat your dinner. Our end-of-LARP seven-course dinner? Our end-of-LARP seven-course dinner. (all panting) But we're still on for cigars and brandy later, right? - LOUISE: Coming through, people! - (Teddy groaning) Make way! Move your stroller! Teddy, no one's looked this good on a door since Kate Winslet in Titanic. How's the patient? The pain levels are through the roof. But this view is unbeatable. It took throwing out my back to appreciate how beautiful the power lines are in this Aah! In this town! Aah! LOUISE: We're here. Wait, what? KIDS: Closed?! TINA: Look, he left a note. "Closed today for my niece's - quinceaÃ±era. " - Aw. Ah, dang it, today's Teresa's quinceaÃ±era? Juarez has been talking about that for months. I bet they're tearing the roof off that rec hall. I can't believe we came all this way only to be stopped by a beautiful rite of passage. We're not. We're going to that quinceaÃ±era! I'm not dressed for that! LINDA: Did you lock all the doors? Yes, there were so many, but they're locked. It started raining out there. And it's getting dark. - I hope the guns are okay. - All right, who's hungry? - (all cheer) - All right, all right, calm down. Mm. This feels so wrong but tastes so right. Would anyone mind if I smoked between courses? Smoke 'em if you got 'em. Oh, now I get that. There's only one course left, and we all know what it is. (squeals) Mrs. Winthorpe's seven-layer parfait. Now let's flambÃ¨ that sucker. - NANCY: Drop that match! - Uh (stammers) blow it out and then drop it, or just drop it? I'm-I'm gonna blow it out first. Marshall! (whispers): Sorry. How'd you even get in? The doors were all locked. Not the aviary. Damn it, Charlene. There were so many doors. Wow, you guys made good time. Where the hell'd you get that pocket watch? Oh, I-it's on loan from the estate. My character Oliver uses it, so, yeah. That parfait is ours. We put up with your crap all weekend; the parfait is ours. Eating our friggin' seven-course meal wasn't enough? No, it wasn't! (grunts) What the hell has gotten into you people? Oh, and mud is getting tracked into the dining room! I can kiss that cleaning deposit good-bye. LARPs aren't supposed to have uprisings. He's right. Look, wait, stop, everyone. Yes, we did enjoy the seven-course dinner, so maybe we can share the parfait together, as equals. Equals? Ha! You silly, simple woman. Now clean me off and feed me that parfait. Nancy, don't you remember what it was like we before we came here? No! We've always been here. - Oh, boy. - Get that parfait! I tried! Come on, servants! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Off limits! You're going off limits! LARP time-out. LARP time-out. (sighs) I'm guessing you haven't been sleeping with a pillow between your knees, like we talked about? Dr. Juarez, I always appreciate your tips, and I know we're crashing your beautiful quinceaÃ±era, but I just need you to crack my back. Fine, fine. Relax and let go. - (groaning) - You're not letting go. Teddy, relax. - I need you to let go. - (exclaims) (bones crack, relieved sighing) - There we are. - That's what I was looking for. And if you can just tap your two toes together. Tap your big toes together. (exclaims) (bones crack, Teddy yells) That's what I'm looking for. Teddy, can I try, can I try, can I try? Not right now, Gene. Maybe later. You did it, Doc. Oh, you sweet, sweet angel, Dr. Juarez. Yes. Have you changed your policy about kissing? Not yet, not yet. (pants) There's got to be a place to gobble this up. The library. Quick, In there! Eh, you're not supposed to go in the library. Bob! All right, Marshall, let's heat it and eat it. - Will you look at that. - Whoa. - Just like on the show. - (door rattles) Oh, you found us, huh? (groaning loudly) The door's locked. Enjoy the view. (growls) You'd better not. Watch me. Mmm. (grumbling) (distorted): That's my parfait! Oh, my God! (grunts) No! (all yelling and eating) MR. PERKINS: That's it! You're all kicked out! (engine sputtering softly) So good LARP? I loved it. LINDA: You know, I think we put that era on a pedestal maybe a little too much. Life was horrible back then if you weren't in the super-upper class. I'm just glad that we live in a time where there are no classes. I-I get what you were going for. Unrelated, we may have left the bathroom door at the rec hall. Wait, what? But it's probably happier there. Yeah, what kind of life was it living here? I mean, if that door could talk. It'd better keep its damn mouth shut! So, who wants to watch Winthorpe Manor? Me! I'll get the brandy! BOB: Winthorpe Manor LINDA: Winthorpe Manor BOB: Winthorpe Manor BOTH: Winthorpe Manor, Winthorpe Manor Winthorpe Manor BOB: It's Winthorpe Manor LINDA: Winthorpe Manor BOB: Break it down now (Bob beat-boxing) LINDA: Winthorpe Manor Don't forget your manners Who's a party planner? Climbin' up the social ladder BOTH: Winthorpe Manor