The Baljeatles

(Scene begins showing the town. Someone is wailing in the distance. Cut to the backyard, Phineas dislikes it so much that his face cringes up.)

Phineas: Okay, what the heck is that sound? Come on, Ferb, I know what we're not gonna do today. We're not gonna figure out what we are gonna do today as long as that noise keeps up! (he, Ferb, and Perry leave)

Candace: (slams open her window) If you don't stop that racket, I am so gonna bust you... empty... backyard?

(The wailing stops.)

Stacy: (closes window) Candace, stop trying to bust your backyard.

(Candace's cell phone rings)

Candace: (rushingly picks up her cell phone) Jeremy! Yes? Yes! We'll see you in a bit. Thanks. No, you get off the phone- (phone disconnects) Hello?

Stacy: So, what's the scoop?

Candace: Jeremy just invited us to his friend's concert!

Stacy: Oh, I don't know... Lately I've been feeling like a third wheel around you guys.

Candace: What? No. I always saw it more like Jeremy and I were two wheels, and you were separate, on a unicycle all "Doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo..." Wait a minute! I just thought of something. Jeremy's never given me a nickname! (gets a chart with Jeremy's faces from under her bed) I refer you to... The Chart. (points at the chart)

Stacy: Oh, goody. The Chart.

Candace: See, Jeremy only calls me "Candace," and nothing else. When a guy makes you his girlfriend, he comes up with a nickname for you. A pet name like, "baby," "honey," "Peg-Leg Pete!" His own personal stamp!

Stacy: Maybe you should just let whatever happens happen. You know, naturally.

Candace: (scoffs) Naturally? (the wail starts again.) Where is that coming from?

(cur to Baljeet's house)

Phineas: Baljeet's house? For such a mild-mannered kid, we wind up here for a lot of weird reasons. (Ferb is shown with fingers in his ears.) Ah, I wish I had some earplugs. (Ferb holds up a dual earplug shaped like fingers.) Thanks dude! (cut to Baljeet's room, where he is holding a guitar and facing the wall.) So, uh... What up 'jeet?

Baljeet: Oh, uh... Hello my friends, I did not hear you come in.

Phineas: Is everything okay?

Baljeet: If by okay, you mean that my life is a meaningless, black cauldron of swirling failure... then yes, everything is groovy.

(Ferb puts his earplugs back in.)

Phineas: That's not at all what I meant by "okay."

Baljeet: I signed up for a class called "Summer Rocks," believing it was a geology course. It turned out to be a rock-and-roll camp, and no matter how hard I study, I just do not rock! I could actually get an e- (tries to say "F") an- Oh, I cannot even say that terrible letter. ineas! erb! What am I going to do?

Phineas: Well, that was an interesting sound you were getting out of your guitar. I think you'll be just fine!

Baljeet: That was not my guitar. That was me. I call it "The Fail Wail." (begins wailing again)

Phineas: Baljeet. Baljeet! Whoa! Hey! (Baljeet stops wailing.) Thank you. We can show you how to rock!

Baljeet: Really?

Phineas: Absolutely. Hey, I think the Fail Wail scared Perry off!

(cut to Perry entering his lair through a tube; he comes out next to an usher.)

Usher: Ticket, please. (Perry hands him a ticket) Right this way! (guides Perry to his chair) Enjoy the show.

(Perry's screen shows a black-and-white film, set to ominous music, with close-ups of ticking clocks and outdoor settings before finishing with a shot of Major Monogram crying.)

Major Monogram: Evil... wait... You... await... Evil... awaits...

Carl: (offscreen) Cut, cut!

Major Monogram: Oh, come on! (to Perry) Sorry, Agent P. Carl's been taking some film classes and now believes I'm stifling his creativity as my cameraman.

Carl: (pats Monogram with a makeup sponge) Camera artist.

Major Monogram: Seems Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been buying baby supplies all over town. One could only imagine what he's doing. Two can discuss it between themselves; more than two is frankly a waste of our resources. Good luck, Agent P! (Perry leaves)

Carl: Okay, once more with feeling!

Major Monogram: The agency isn't paying for these classes, are they Carl?

(back at Baljeet's house)

Baljeet: I have read every book on the history of rock music.

Phineas: Gosh, Baljeet, rock and roll isn't about books! It's about letting go and having fun! Rock and roll is a way for you to tell the world how you feel!

Baljeet: Feel about what?

Phineas: Expressing yourself! I mean, what do you do when you're angry?

Baljeet: Math.

Phineas: ...Okay, well, what about when you're sad?

Baljeet: Math!

Phineas: Happy?

Baljeet: Ma-ath!

Phineas: So every feeling you have makes you want to do math?

Baljeet: I do not know if it is so much cause and effect. I do a lot of math! The feelings come and go.

(at the Summer Rocks stage)

Stacy: What kind of concert is this?

Candace: It's the "Summer Rocks" graduation concert. Jeremy's friend Coltrane is an instructor. (spots Jeremy and Coltrane talking) Look, there they are!

Stacy: That's Coltrane. He's really cute!

Candace: Hmm, I guess he is. Hey, wait a minute... You like Coltrane!

Stacy: Well, I've never actually talked to him before, but...

Candace: Quick, what should we do? Hide? No, wait, pretend you're a talent scout. Ooh, here! I think I have a fake mustache on me!

Stacy: Let's just go over and say hi. (leads Candace over to the two boys, who are talking)

Jeremy: (to Coltrane) What do you think it means when a girl leaves a fake mustache at your house?

Candace: (walking up with Stacy) Hi guys!

Jeremy: Hey gals!

Candace: Ha! "Gals." Yeah, that's me, "the gal." Gosh, when did you start calling me that?

Stacy: (to Coltrane) Hi, I'm Stacy.

Coltrane: Hey, how ya doin', Stacy? I'm Coltrane.

Stacy: I like your hair.

Coltrane: Thanks. I like your bow. Let me show you round.

Stacy: Cool! (the two of them leave)

Jeremy: Heeey, Coltrane and Stacyyyy... that was easy. (Candace glares at him) What?

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

(Perry emerges from a teddy bear and an alarm goes off. The Nanny-inator enters, grabs Perry, powders and diapers him, and drops him in a playpen)

Doofenshmirtz: Awww, congratulations, it's a platypus! (laughs) What do you think of my new Nanny-inator? Nice, huh? (pushes a rocking chair up to the playpen) You know what time it is? Evil story time! (sits down) See, I wrote my new evil scheme (holds up a book titled "My Evil Plan") in pop-up book format. Once upon a time, yesterday, like a quarter to six, (opens book to page of Doofenshmirtz sitting in front of a TV) I was watching a nature documentary, and I learned how before a baby's born, its constant companion is the soothing, steady beat of its mother's heart. Even after it's born, the sound of the mother's heartbeat (turns page to a happy mother holding a baby) continues to be a safe, calming beacon to a growing child, (turns page to an annoyed mother holding a grown man) in some cases up until their early thirties. Suddenly, I was struck with a brilliant idea: (turns page to a skyline with Doofenshmirtz's heart making a loud "BUM BUM BUM" sound) to project the sound of my own heartbeat across the city, causing all the babies to believe that I am their leader! Like the Pied Piper, except... with babies, (turns page to Doofenshmirtz leading a baby army) I will have a mighty baby army, a-and no one would fight back, 'cause, you know... they're babies! (turns page to Doofenshmirtz reading to Perry with the Nanny-inator and Bum-Bum-inator, a giant heart, behind him) Finally, the time came for me to tell you my evil plan in pop-up book form, and I- Oh, I- I'm sorry, the- the book seems to have caught up to us in real time, heh-heh. Anyway, behold! The Bum-Bum-inator!

(back at Baljeet's house)

Phineas: Rock's not about getting good grades and following the rules; it's about rebellion! It's about using music to express your true feelings and emotions! Just play how you feel! (Baljeet plays a single chord) Baljeet, that's- that's just an A chord.

Baljeet: I feel like I want an A!

Phineas: This is gonna be harder than we thought.

(at the Summer Rocks stage: Stacy and Coltrane are sitting at a picnic table, and Coltrane is playing bass)

Stacy: Do you think you could teach me how to play the bass?

Coltrane: Let's see if you have big bass player hands. (they hold up hands to compare sizes)

Candace: (from a bush, trying to imitate a bird) Bu-GA! Bu-GA! Ooka-ooka-ooka-ooka!

Stacy: Uh, excuse me for a second. (Candace repeats her "bird call") I have to go talk to my friend in the bushes.

Coltrane: Cool! I gotta go get this show started. Save me a dance?

Candace: (still in the bush, still making her "bird call") Koo-koo-koo-koo-kooooo! Ki-KA! Ki-KA! (Stacy walks up to her) Ooka-ooka-ooka-ooka! Eega-eega-eega!

Stacy: What are you doin'?

Candace: How's it going with you and Coltrane?

Stacy: I think it's going really well! He asked me to save him a dance!

Candace: He did? What do you think he meant by that?

Stacy: I'm pretty sure he meant he wants to dance with me.

Candace: Hmmm. Men and their impossible endless riddles!

Stacy: So how's it going with you? Has Jeremy nicknamed you yet?

Candace: No...

Stacy: Maybe Jeremy just isn't the kind of guy who nicknames people.

Candace: Huh. You could be right.

Stacy: Look, here he comes now!

Jeremy: (greeting people as he passes them) Yo, T-Bone! Hey, Clammo! What up, Sassy Miss K? Momo! Binkie... (reaches Stacy and Candace) Hi Candace, where you been?

Stacy: I'll, uh... I'll see you later.

Jeremy: Catch ya later, Staceroo. (Candace glares at him again) What?

(Cut to the start of the concert. A bicycle-driven limo pulls up to the concert and driver Ferb opens the door; Phineas, Buford, Baljeet, and Ferb emerge, and the limo pulls away, to Ferb's bewilderment. Baljeet watches the opening performer, Django, playing violin on stage)

Baljeet: Ohhhh, I do not know about this!

Phineas: You'll be great! Just remember what we practiced: follow the beat and let your feelings out through the music!

Baljeet: I am about to let my feelings out through these pleather pants!

(back at D. E. I.)

Doofenshmirtz: Okay, I'm almost ready, Perry the Platypus. (pointing to a heart monitor on his wrist) This monitor takes my pulse and transmits it to the Bum-Bum-inator, which will then broadcast my heartbeat to all the babies in the Tri-State Area. See? (the Bum-Bum-inator begins beating.) You might say I'm wearing my sleeve on my... I- I mean my heart is wearing, uh... Never mind, whatever, you get it! Ah-ha-HA-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!! (raises the Bum-Bum-inator through the roof, broadcasting the heartbeat)

(at the Summer Rocks stage)

Coltrane: And now, the band you've all been waiting for: The Baljeatles!

Phineas: (hears the heartbeat and mistakes it for a drumbeat) Hey, cool beat, Buford.

Buford: Uh... thanks? (Begins mimicking the beat; Phineas and Ferb start playing as well. Baljeet peeks around the curtain from backstage.)

Coltrane: What's up, Baljeet? Your band is waiting for you onstage.

Baljeet: I can't do it! I just do not know how to rock! I know I am going to get a bad grade!

Coltrane: Wait, what are you talking about, "grades"? This is Summer Rocks! There are no grades.

Baljeet: No grades? Oh, so it is pass/fail?

Coltrane: No! We use a free-floating curriculum to encourage kids to just... rock out and have fun!

Baljeet: (outraged) I do not believe this! I wasted all this time in a class without grades?!? Aohhhhh! If only there were some other kind of outlet for me to express these feelings to my like-minded peer group! (comes to a realization) Pardon me! I want to try something!

(Song: "Gimme a Grade")

Baljeet: ''Oh yeah! I have got something to say!''

I have been burned by vague lesson plans and a free-floating curriculum!

I like my rules, baby, etched in stone, 'cause you know I am going to stick to them!

Baljeet and Phineas: Can I get a syllabus, a little discipline? Judge me on a scale from A to F!

Baljeet: You wasted all my time learning how to rhyme, then left me hangin' from a treble clef!

Baljeet: Somebody gimme a grade!

Phineas and Ferb: (Somebody gimme a grade, somebody gimme a grade!)

Baljeet: I need the man keeping me down!

Somebody gimme a grade!

Phineas and Ferb: (Somebody gimme a grade, somebody gimme a grade!)

Baljeet: Is there a red pen in this town?

Somebody gimme a grade!

Phineas and Ferb: (Somebody gimme a grade, somebody gimme a grade!)

Baljeet: I already said it, I need some extra credit today!

Phineas and Ferb: (Somebody gimme a grade, somebody gimme a grade!)

Baljeet: And make it an A!

(at D. E. I.)

Doofenshmirtz: Okay, now to relax and keep my heart rate slow and steady, you know, 'cause too much excitement would cause my heart to beat too fast and short out the Bum-Bum-inator.

(Perry squirts milk from a baby bottle into his diaper, setting off the alarm and summoning the Nanny-inator)

Nanny-inator: Change time! Change time! (Perry jumps on the Nanny-inator's arm when it reaches for him, climbs out of the cage while the Nanny-inator accidentally breaks itself, and tackles Doofenshmirtz, who grunts while his heart rate rises, causing the music to speed up as well. Perry chases Doofenshmirtz around the room.)

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, stop chasing me; I'm supposed to keep my heart rate down!

(back to Summer Rocks)

Baljeet: Oh, I am so upset!

I am stone cold, honor roll,

I won't be told how to vent!

Phineas, Ferb and Baljeet: I won't cry or sigh, I'm here to testify,

Up with the establishment!

Baljeet: My parents understand me, put conformity inside of me which I can help the system out!

I ain't gonna waste my summer taking beatings from my drummer,

Put a mic in front of me and I'll shout!

Gimme a grade!

Phineas and Ferb: (Somebody gimme a grade, somebody gimme a grade!)

Baljeet: You know I'm gonna wreck the curve!

Somebody gimme a grade!

Phineas and Ferb: (Somebody give me a grade, somebody give me a grade!)

Baljeet: The only letter I deserve!

Somebody gimme a grade!

Phineas and Ferb: (Somebody gimme a grade, somebody gimme a grade!)

Baljeet: This isn't a request, I demand there be a test today!

Phineas and Ferb: (Somebody gimme a grade, somebody gimme a grade!)

Baljeet: Gimme a grade!

(as the final instrumental section of the song commences, Perry continues to chase Doofenshmirtz, who looks at his heart rate monitor)

Doofenshmirtz: Uh oh. Not good. (the Bum-Bum-inator shorts out and flies across the sky, yanking Doofenshmirtz along with it) CURSE YOU, PERRY THE- (passes over the Summer Rocks stage) Wait, is that the Baljeatles?

(the Bum-Bum-inator explodes into fireworks, the song concludes, and Candace falls into Jeremy's arms while dancing)

Candace: Just call me "Can't-Dance Flynn."

Jeremy: (laughs) Okay, that's your new nickname.

Candace: Wait, what? No! I'm not supposed to nickname myself! You're supposed to come up with it! (starts crying) You don't even care enough to try!

Jeremy: Hey, wait a second! I call you Candace, but not because I don't care enough to come up with a cute nickname for you! I call you Candace 'cause... I happen to really like that name.

Candace: You do?

Jeremy: Of course I do! 'Cause it's your name. (they hug)

Stacy: (standing next to Coltrane) That was easy. (they look down and see that they're holding hands, then smile at each other)

(on stage)

Phineas: Well, Baljeet, if it means anything, I'd give you an A+ in rock.

Baljeet: No. That means almost nothing.