The Rorqual Affair

So that's why I can't ever kiss her lips again. Simple mathematics. Now, who can solve this problem? [Music] Gary? I think I left my penis in the bathroom. Can I go get it? Here. You can use mine. We can't give Gary help. Night school isn't for friends. - It's for killers. - Can I take this course over? Yeah, if this is, like, what you want to do forever. My mommy thinks I'm living at my uncle's. She thinks I'm good. Well, Gary? Are you? [Gasps, breathes heavily] How did I oversleep? Shit! [Music] [Sniffs] [Music] [Sniffs] [Music continues] [Sniffs] [Sniffs] [Sniffs] [Music] [Car alarm chirps] Where. ? Come Aw I told you I was taking the car! Man: I thought maybe you wanted a cup of sugar, or maybe to see if Rocco could come out and play. I didn't think for a second you had the balls the freaking arrogance. No, it's really offensive. Like, what, you're better than him, but you're not You think you can just drop by my home my home! And ask me this? Oh, I'm not asking. You're gonna dismantle this not-even-close-to-a secret lair and leave town. Or die in this crappy office that is disappointingly not whale-shaped or hovering or anything cool. - Are you serious? - I'm the Blue Morpho. I know, dipshit, I read the trades. Hold on, a-are you late for something? No, just checking the time. Ya see, in 10 seconds, you'll be bleeding to death, and you'll be unconscious. Abort! Abort! Abort the mission! I'm not even at Grove Street yet! Three. Two. And one. [Laughs] - Shit! - That's it! Kano, get in [Grunts] I can't believe I caught that knife on the first try. Ah! So cool! 7x02 - The Rorqual Affair [Indistinct shouting] Dr. Girlfriend: Listen, please! It's just 'til we have the Blue Morpho in custody! No more arching? How do you expect us to make a living? What, do you expect me to get a job at Tower Records? Well, there are none, and also, I'm made of ectoplasm! Please, please everyone, it's for your own safety! My only skills are brick throwing and frog being! We don't plan on taking away anyone's livelihoods. [Chuckles] No reason to start a panic here. Start a panic? I'm leading an investigation. I'm just asking for some cooperation. And they'd love to cooperate, Councilwoman. Free dues for a year and your weight in Guild booty for the head of the Blue Morpho! Let's get flaming bricks! Let's get pitchforks like in "Dracula"! - No, like in "Frankenstein"! - And torches! Like in "Dracula"! I'm telling you, it's "Frankenstein"! [Styrofoam squeaking] [Shouting stops] You all know me. You know how I earn a living. I'll catch this Blue Morpho for you, but it's not gonna be easy. He's not playing by your Guild rules. He'll slice you open, anus to throat, and wash his hands in your spilling bowels. Let's get this over with. You can get back to pretending you're bad. But as for your reward of free dues - Free dues and mugs with our logo on it! - Your weight in mugs! I want a seat on your council. For that, I'll give you Blue Morpho. Or at least his blood-soaked head! Ah. Thank you very much, Mr., uh Death. We'll, uh, take that under advisement. [Music] - Nice job there, Rocco. - Yeah, back when I was with Angie, she was into this kind of, uh, gettin'-tied-up thing. - I got good at it. - No? Angie? Yeah, [Chuckles] oh, she was like Oh, oh, you have no idea. - Angie? From Lyndhurst? - You have no idea. Wake up, mystery man! [Slaps] Ah! Ah! Ah! Okay! Okay! Ah! [Chuckles] You'd think I'd pull that stupid mask off and be all, "Bruce Wayne? No friggin' way!" But I like the anticipation. [Chuckles] I like the riddle. Yeah, that little mask covers around his eyes. Like, now we don't know who he is. Right? That's the only way we can identify each other. Eye sockets. Hey, look. Hey, Rocco, look. - Look at my disguise. - Who're you? I ain't never seen this guy before. Where's Wide Wale? Oh! It was me the whole time! [Both laugh] All right, all right, I get it. I get it! [Groans] No, no, na! No spoilers! We can do this using logic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like Sherlock Holmes. Hey, Dr. Watson, doesn't this shithead sound familiar? Yeah. He sounds like that Monarch guy. - Like a tiny bit. - No The Monarch? Whew, I hope, for this guy's sake, he ain't the Monarch. - W-W-Why would that matter? - Oh, yeah? Why's that? Oh, I ain't never told you this before? My origin story? Ah, you two will love this. Okay. As hard as it is to believe, I wasn't born half a fucking whale. Did you know that 95% of our oceans are unexplored? My brother Doug used to say that everything worth knowing was in that 95%. Like, uh, sharks have this shit called angiogenin inhibitors that makes them all but immune to cancer? It's all scientific, and that was really Dougie's department. He was a fucking genius, and I was the only one that truly believed in him. So this one time Okay, just a little further. And surprise! The final piece! Oh, no, Chester, this won't do. It-It's falling apart. - Where did you get this wretched thing? - It's art. I stole it from one of those snooty galleries. It's worth like 12 million bucks, so that means it's the best, right? Use your eyes! It's a pile of garbage. We can't use this! This is worthless. Only a fool would want this! This is my older brother calling me a fool. My heart was just exploding. I-I had to make it right. So that night, I hooked up the Molecular Redistributer to myself. [Electricity crackling] Chester! No! No, what are you doing?! Dougie, you gotta trust me! You gotta trust your calculations! Wait. Wait. No. You did tell me this story. - I remember this part. - Yeah, I remember it, too. Or maybe I'm thinking of The Hulk. It's not exactly unique. And what does it have to do with this, uh, Monarch guy? Oh, am I boring you? I'm sorry, let me get to that part. So, anyway, I become a super villain, and Doug becomes a super scientist, we part ways, yada, yada. So, Dr. Doug Ong, Dr. Dugong, had this new arch, The Monarch. Can you guess what he did? You abandoned me! You abandoned my hatred! - I-I have cuttlefish. - Look into my eyes! [Electricity whines] - Eeh. - Wide Wale: So, this Monarch guy blew my brother's head off. You don't wanna be him. I may look like a whale, but I got a lot of bad shark in me. [Chuckles nervously] S-Surprise? Ow! [Monitors beeping] They are wailing on him. Wailing. That's kinda funny. Oh, if he lives through this, he's gonna kill me. [Chimes] Be aggressive. B-E aggressive. B-E A-G-G Dr. Girlfriend: Yes, yes, it's hilarious. You're like the third person to do that. Are you with my husband? Eh, kinda. Get to Rat Island immediately. They caught the Blue Morpho. [Chatter] - Man: Which one of you captured him? - It was Tunnel Vision! Yeah, I was just tunneling Rat Island there, and then this guy pops out. It's him. Blue Morpho. There's, uh, probably a secret lair around here if he didn't self-destruct it already. My hand, if you could see it, is extended in gratitude. That's a homeless guy dressed up kinda like the Blue Morpho. This is ridiculous! This is a Halloween mask! A whaaat?! This is crazy. The Blue Morpho is still out there. You gotta help me find him. I was just gonna almost ask you the same thing. That isn't him and you know it. If we take this away from them, we'll get energy lasers, acid spit, and a frog throwing a brick at us. This nightmare is over. "Guild," as you know, means "fellowship. " - Dr. Mrs. The Monarch? - Yes? I just found out Harangutan was killed by the Blue Morpho. And you knew it. You knew there was a vigilante out there, but you let villains arch. You knew all those things, and now my Wandering Spider is dead. - I wanted you to know that. - You did not deserve that. I-I have to show you a few things. Meet me back at our place. [Laughing evilly] Hey, Sirena, I gotta ask you to go to your room there. - Your father he, uh - I can't even sit in the living room?! Oh, this is so stupid. You're stupid and this is stupid. Hey, look, it's not me. It's The Blue Morpho thing and your dad. If it was me, I'd put you up in the Plaza with every Nintendo game they got. Rocco, what year do you think this is? Nintendo? What are we, in the fucking '90s? - Then a PS2 or whatever. - That came out forever ago! Ugh! Fine! Tell my dad you tied me to the bed! Don't you even joke about that! Is someone doing that to you, Sirena?! Sirena, you would tell me if someone was doin' that to you! - Wide Wale: Rocco? - Yeah, boss? Wanna play with the rat again? Wide Wale? He's Wide Wale's prisoner? - What are you morons thinking? - He did it for you! You were suddenly Mrs. Guild of Calamitous Intent, - and he was Mr. Nobody! - Why does that make sense to you?! That is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard! His father was The Blue Morpho, so he kills my colleagues for me?! It's dumb! We're dumb! He did a dumb thing! We're idiots! But just look at what he did! He's a Guild legend, and he has every one of those bullshit fake villains - peeing in their tights! - Yeah. He's a hero, Gary. Tell that to Wide Wale. If he doesn't get murdered, then it's my job to publicly execute him! Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We'll come up with a plan. We always do. Ya know Go, Team Monarch? [Sighs] I-I can't How did you even pull this crap off? Well You wanna see something? [Clank, door opens] Oh, there's the damn water heater! What is that, a 20-gallon tank? No wonder I can only take a three-minute shower. What the hell? There was stuff. It's impressive. You two play make believe in the basement. - Neato. - Wait, where where are you going? To get some real help! [Seagulls calling] [Music] Come on! Join me! Are you kidding? It's freezing. Do this alone, you jackass. Oh, you are never there for me [Gasps] [Screaming] I'm drowning! [Coughs] There he is. There's our vigilante. Did you have a nice little rest? [Coughs] My teeth are loose. Ya keep punching. Does baby always wake up this grumpy? Seriously. Use chloroform or something. D-Did you ever hear of a brain hemorrhage? You're right. I want to watch you die, but I want it to be big. Big and poetic. You deserve that. Haiucciso mio fratello. I don't speak Italian. How do you even know Italian? I mean, isn't your name Chinese? Ong? It's English. My wife was Italian. - April? April was Italian? - What? Of course she was Italian. She was Italian on her mother's side. You sure o' that, boss? April? A-And I spent some time abroad in college. - You know, work study. - Yeah, yeah, one of my henchmen went to London for a week. He came back with an accent, too. He was all, [British accent] "I'm rather chuffed. " - Total douche. - Oh, I hate guys like that. They're just trying to get laid. [French accent] "Hey ladies, I'm from la France!" [French accent] "These American boys, so crude. Let me touch your bosom, s'il vous plait. " [Both laugh] It was the University of, uh, uh, Palermo. Work study. [Scoffs] Yeah, right, "work study. " Man: Come here, you little rascal. [Laughter] Gotcha! [Laughs] [Sighs] These are your daddy's work friends, honey. Gary, meet Lila. Well, look at you. You're as cute as a button. Yes, she is. Especially her belly button! [Blows raspberry] [Laughs] - Oh, and this is - Oh! Uh, Sheila. Hello, young lady. [Whispering indistinctly] Oh. I'll ask. She wants to know if you're a princess. Oh, I am not. I'm a I work with your daddy. There you go, sweetheart. Now go ask mommy if you can have a cupcake, okay? [Laughs] - She's beautiful. - Your husband is alive. - Told you! - You are so lucky! But just barely. He made the unfortunate career choice of killing Wide Wale's brother some time ago, a one Dr. Dugong. That's his brother? I remember that! I wasn't even on that arch. That was you and the lousy Moppets. I'm in the clear. [Inhales sharply] - Okay, yeah, this isn't good. - I will help you rescue your husband. But after that, I'm taking his head to The Guild. I want that seat, and I want that pension. Kate keeps on me about retiring, and this is our little compromise. [Sighs] If I can get you that seat and save the Monarch without killing another villain, will you help us? Well I very much like to kill. - We get to break into an O. S. I. dummy corp. - And kill? [Music] [Keyboard clacking] You think he's finished yet? Give him a couple more minutes. [Keyboard clacking] - Y-You can sit in the front, ya know. - I know. [Keyboard clacking] - Tunes? - I've got my old iPod. - We could rock out. - Let's not rock out. [Keyboard clacking] I've got some sick playlists on there. - You like trip hop with maybe some - Yeah, why don't we go in - and check if he's done in there? - Oh, yeah, he's I bet he's done. [Lift muzak] I was, uh, swapping out the surveillance with yesterday's. - Mm-hmm. - I like sick playlists. And rocking out. [Screaming] Oh. Hi. [Body thuds] The room is secured. How long do we have 'til they regain consciousness? Um - Hey, hey, hey? - I'm gonna vomit. - Hey, come on. Hey, wake up. - Wha Ya gotta stop doing that. - You wanna do Mad Libs? - Do Do what? You know Mad Libs, the party game. - We're havin' a party. - A-Are you serious? Verb ending in "I-N-G"? Stop. P-Please stop. C'mon, nobody ever wants to do these with me. I'm putting down "stop," but with "I-N-G. " "Stopping. " [Chuckles] Oh, you should read this out loud. Why aren't those in a database, or like online or something? The O. S. I. 's old school, paranoid, superstitious, - you know the type. - Aren't we all? Look at this. I wear the same socks every time I kill. I call them Steve and Dave Kill Sock. This is Dave Kill Sock. I got that beat. I can beat that. My dead friend's glove. And for bonus creepy, I used to smell it right before I did something dangerous. - You ever seen one of these, kid? - A ticket stub? Yeah. What's that, from the first time you got girly action? No, Gary, that's a ticket stub from Movie Night - on Gargantua 1. - Found it! Wait. You were at Movie Night? The Guild, before your time, tried to do a hostage thing. Jonas Venture. The big man and his space station. Ah, the '80s, we did that back then. Dumb kids gonna get famous. Notorious. We dressed as crew members. Some of us had our space suits on, some of us didn't. With this face? The helmet never came off. Went perfectly. Flawless. Well, until someone opened the bay doors. No one knew who did it. The crew shot out like their mommas were ringing the dinner bell. You ever see a man die in space? You can tell the ones that held their breath. Their lungs rupture from all that gas expanding. Blood from their mouth like a torn pillow stuffed with red BBs. Stab Girl, she was a little thing, carried switchblades, she knew to exhale. Watched her for a full minute, puffed up like she'd a peanut allergy. Floating by me with her mouth open. Screaming, making no sound. The spit on her tongue boiling Anyway, got to see a little Sharky's Machine. [Alarm blaring] - All right, let's bounce! - Get this man and meet us at Wide Wale's penthouse at 2200 hours. You wait on the roof for Red Death, then come in at my signal. - Don't be late again! - 10-4. Don't use numbers you heard on TV, just No. Yeah, that was I won't be late. [Elevator bell dings] Hey, they got pizza today. Six bucks says they don't save us a slice. [Romantic music] Hey, "Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS. " You need a hand? Maybe two? - [Sighs] No, I'm fine. - Yeah, you are. No, no, no, no! No, go back up! Go back up! [Elevator bell dings] Penthouse, por favore. Andiamo! You know what I love about sexist clowns like you guys? You actually think you're nice guys. Just being friendly. You'd never hit a girl. I could do this! And you wouldn't do a thing. Hey, hey, listen, Girly, you don't [Groans] [Grunts] "Girly"? Really? You were begging for that. [Groans] Hank Venture is behind me. Follow me. Hank Venture's behind me Wide Wale: [Muffled] Yeah, almost makes up for them scuffing my knuckles with his face. [Laughs] Plan B? - Pretty poetic, huh? - What? You dressed up the Venture kid like a gigolo to kill me? - I dressed myself like a juggalo, sir! - Oh, super poetic. Yeah, you're Lord Byron. He won't do it. Don't you listen to him, Enrico. Just pull the trigger, and you're family. You'll marry my daughter, you'll live in a frigging magic petting zoo or some shit. W-Whatever. Just kill him, son! [Door bands open] Enrico! Don't do it! V-Viceroy? Y-You're out of a Dunwich? That's my backup. He's only 15 hours late. What are you doing? This isn't Hank of you. Enrico Matassa is a lover, not a fighter. You speak the truth. Your words are very Hank, my friend. Just down that hall is the woman you love! - Give me the gun, Enrico. - Does she crave Enrico? Want Enrico? Burn for Enrico?! - Yearn for - Oh, stop already! [Gun cocks] [Laughs] [Grunting] [Laughs] [Music] Sorry about the drama. They don't have wheelchair access in this building. - Oh, oh, that was terrifying. - Dougie? I-Is that you, Dougie? Y-You're alive? Of course. I have so much starfish DNA in me that I regenerate limbs. I grew my head back. You'd know this if you occasionally answered Mom's e-mails. She She sends those little cat videos! Always with the excuses! I've been under O. S. I. protection because you're a you're a villain! - I live in fear of you, Chester. - Dougie, it's your little brother. I-I would never hurt you. You're holding a gun, Chester! And the red-faced guy with the horse told me you were gonna kill a guy? This? No, no, no, this was just fun. Yeah. Just playing cops and robbers. Every Tuesday! Hey, boss, look who I found snooping around. Oh! You win, Rocco! Now, uh, uh, you hide, and, uh, we'll look for you. - Get outta here. - Oh yeah. Uh, y-you want I should I hide behind this thing? Hi, baby. Maybe we should leave them to talk, huh? Oh, I think we need to talk, as well. I just heard breaking glass. What is going on? - Shh! Sirena, hide! - What is Hank doing here? - I-I don't remember. - S-Sirena? I-It's me! Your Uncle Douglass! Oh, my God, hi! I have an uncle?! - Oh, Chester! - I thought you was dead! This is the greatest thing ever. You're not out of the doghouse yet. [Rumbling] [Music] Uh, here's something. The building across the street. Ven-tech Tower? It looks like it's trying to move. [Rumbling continues] [Up-tempo music] That's messed up. Dude! That's the Morpho Mobile! The Blue Morpho? How is that possible? Oh, who fucking cares?! I'm out of the doghouse!