The Gammy Files

1 Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me! This entire school has prom fever. That's all anybody can talk about. "I'm going with Kaitlyn, I'm going with Spencer. " Does anybody care about, I don't know, the environment, or perhaps the state of the economy? Nobody asked you yet? No. I don't get it; I'm fun. Look, KC, you still have plenty of time. I still haven't even decided who I'm going with. How many people have asked you? Just four teen. Fourteen. Wow. Well, I'm at negative one. What? Okay, come on, how could you be at negative one? Tony Picadello asked me, then he said, "Just kidding," and ran away, laughing, so KC, trust me. Someone fantastic is gonna ask you to prom. KC, would you make me the happiest guy in school and Yes, yes, of course. Talk Marisa into going to prom with me. Of course. Knew that. Negative two. Oh, when danger comes for you You know I'll stand beside you 'Cause ain't nobody keep their head so cool I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire Don't tell nobody, tell nobody I'm not perfect So many things I wanna tell you But I, I, I, I keep it undercover Livin' my life, on red alert Doin' my thing, gonna make it work Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless But I always got your back Nobody can do it like I can I gotta find out who I am Ain't got to worry about me It's all part of the plan I keep it undercover. I keep it undercover. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, excuse me, excuse me. What are you two doing? You're smooshing the couch cushions. Okay? Papa Earl will be here any minute with his new fiancÃ©e. We don't wanna give him any reason to criticize Dad. We need to make sure everything is perfect. You heard her, Ernie. Pack your bags. - Hey, do not talk to Ernie like that. - Thank you. At least, not while Papa Earl's here. We need to maintain the illusion that we love each other. In that case, I'll go pack my bags. Guys, I'm serious, okay? We need to be loving and supportive of Dad right now. What the heck are you doing, you crazy old man? What is this holey old shirt? Oh, please, KC, no matter what I do, my dad's gonna be on my case. Your dad's right, KC. Papa Earl is who he is. Yeah, mean and critical and never has a nice thing to say about me. [rapid knocking on door] Hey, Papa Earl is in the house! Betty, I want you to meet my beautiful family, and this is my pride and joy. Oh, yeah. My boy, my boy. Oh, Earl, what is wrong with you? Let him go, come on, let him go so I can hug him. [raucous laughter] Aw, look at that. And you were worried about Papa Earl coming to visit. [all laughing] Listen up, listen up, listen up. Am I the luckiest guy on Earth? I mean, I got the best son in the world. I got the most beautiful family. And now, I got this fabulous woman on my arm. I really scored, didn't I? You're not the only one. Betty gave me the greatest gift I've ever gotten. I thought you said I was your greatest gift. Things change. Keep up. So how did you lovebirds meet? And please talk slowly. She could use all the pointers she can get. Still can't scare up a prom date. [Betty laughing] It was so romantic. I went to his office in gastric distress. Ooh, I was tootin' more than a French horn. Well, feel free to skip to the romantic part. To make a long story short, I said to her, "I can't take out your gallbladder. " And I said, "Why not?" And he said [both] Because I'd rather take out the rest of you. And we've been together ever since. You know, Betty, you look really familiar. I guess I got one of those kind of faces, because if we had met, I would've remembered a beauty like you. [Earl] She is beautiful, isn't she? Takes after her dad. Look at that bone structure. Like you were carved out of marble. Okay. Okay, thank you, Daddy. Thanks. What is going on with my father? What do you mean? This is a sign of affection. The only other sign I ever got from him was a "Do Not Disturb Me" sign. Your dad's in a good mood, because he's in love and he's happy. So when he's happy, he actually likes me? Is it too soon to call you Mommy? Oh, yeah. Psst. Don't tell Papa Earl I told you, but we're eloping to Las Vegas next week. [laughs] I never could keep a secret. Secret, huh? Speaking of which, don't tell your mom, but that bracelet, 16 bucks at the airport gift shop. Mm-hm. My mama always said, "Don't arrive empty-handed, but don't arrive with empty pockets either. " I'm worried about Betty. She told me that she couldn't keep a secret, it got me thinking. You remember that cold case seminar that we took - at the Organization? - Yeah, that was a disappointment. I thought it was a cold cuts seminar. The whole time they were droning on about unsolved cases, and I was just hankering for hard salami on pumpernickel. I was paying attention. Check out this Margaret Turner case file. Okay, so in 1977, Margaret Turner stole secret files that compromised the Organization's agents all over the world. The Organization tracked her to a hotel on F Street, but the only thing they found was a half-eaten room service waffle and a hairbrush. What a waste of a perfectly good waffle. Anyway this was the only known photo of Margaret Turner. See? Right there. That is her, the woman who's been using our decorative hand towels, Margaret Turner, the traitor. I don't know what you're talking about. That doesn't look like Gammy to me. She's not our Gammy. Look, Judy, can you use your photo recognition software? I can confirm, it is definitely an old grainy image of a woman who may or may not be our Gammy Betty. Not our Gammy. Guys, come on, don't you find it a little suspicious that, out of nowhere, suddenly some woman falls in love with Papa Earl? I think you should find it inspiring. It may take another 50 years, but you'll find a prom date eventually. Earl, I don't think I've seen you this happy. That Betty has put a sparkle in your eye. And a hop in my step. Not to mention, she put baking soda in my fridge. Apparently, it smelled like fish and whatnot. It's so good to have a woman back in my life. Well, it's been a pleasure getting to know Betty, and she should get to know me. Let her know that my birthstone is Sapphire. I mean, you deserve every bit of happiness. The happier you are, the happier I am. And that's why you are my favorite son. Technically, he's your only son. Hey, don't be correcting my daddy. He said I'm his favorite, so I'm his favorite. Hey, Dad, can I talk to you for a second - in the backyard? - Yeah, sure. Look, Dad, I, uh, I have some information. It turns out that Betty's real name is Margaret Turner. She's a traitor who sold Organization secrets - back in the 1970's. - How do you know it's her? I looked into the Organization cold case files, and I found a picture. Are you kidding me? I've seen pictures of Bigfoot clearer than this. Uh, excuse me. I have more proof. Yeah. She told me she couldn't keep a secret. And get this. Mom's fancy little bracelet, airport gift shop. Do you know how crazy you sound right now? Listen. My dad is happy, which means he suddenly likes me. I don't wanna hear another word about this unless you have real proof. [laughing] Oh, good morning. Come on in, everybody. I'm makin' waffles! Yeah. That! That right there. That was another piece of information in the file. Margaret Turner liked waffles. Who's crazy now? KC, everybody likes waffles. They have syrup-holding pockets! Get proof or get lost. Doesn't look like Bigfoot to me. Well, so What are you girls up to? Judy and I? We were just playing this little game I like to play; you should join. It's called "Where Was I In the Spring of 1977"? Okay, I'll go first. Um I wasn't born. Uh, Judy, how about you? Oh, wasn't born either. [forced laughter] So, Betty, you're up. KC, can I tell you a little secret? Not that you could stop yourself. My memory's not what it used to be. 1977 I can barely remember what I ate for breakfast this morning. It was waffles. Waffles and lies. KC, did you ever just consider she's just a nice lady who likes your grandfather? Oh, go charge yourself. - Hey. - What is that? Just a little project I've been working on. Are you doing schoolwork? Oh, don't be ridiculous. I came up with a solution to your little prom-blem. Prom-blem. Did you see what I did there? Yeah. In fact, they can see it from the space station. Look, I thought, instead of waiting for some guy to ask you, why don't you do the asking? I would, but everybody's taken. Bup-bup-bup. I have here in my hands the board of availability. Here's a list of every available guy in school, along with their height, weight, and likelihood to rent a limo. You know, the important things. What about their personalities? Tick-tock, you want a date or not? Now just pick any one of these guys. [phone chimes] No, except Bobby Wilcox. [phone chimes] And Bobby Whitsett. Marisa, give it up. This whole thing is hopeless. Oh, come on, KC. Don't give up the fight. There's still plenty of available guys at Franklin, Roseland, and Morgan Park. Marisa, those are all junior high schools. Hey, you know what? Some of those guys are really mature. [KC coughing] [Ernie coughing] Okay, so we need to find Margaret Turner's case file, and then we need to get the hairbrush out of it so we can have a DNA sample. Wow, this cold case storage room has more dirt than Marisa's diary. How would you know? I didn't become a hacker just to save the world. All right, the case files should be in section five. Row double R, which is all the way up there. Ernie, start climbing. Why do I have to climb? Why can't we send Judy? Because if I fall, it'll cost a lot of money to repair me, but if you fall, no one'll care. I'll care! Listen, Papa Earl's happiness depends on what we find. Come on, man, start climbing. [sighs] All right. Just so you know, if I fall, I'm aiming for you. Not seeing a row double R up here, guys, but I do see some tiny adorable puppies. Wait, they're not puppies. They're rats. Rats?! [shrieking] Oh, look at that. Section five, row double R was down here all along. Perfect. There's still some hair on it. Great. Now we just have to get Betty's DNA and compare the two. In case anyone was wondering, I'm okay. The rats broke my fall. [snoring] How do we get her DNA? Blood's always best. Don't you dare. Look, all we're gonna do is get a strand of her hair, and then compare the DNA samples. Go ahead, Ernie. What's with the "go ahead, Ernie"? You pull the strand of hair. I already fell off a shelving unit and took out a family of rats. I like the woman. You're the one who's suspicious. You do it. Okay, fine. Nobody needs you. Judy, go ahead. Sh! Okay, Plan B. I'll get the DNA. Goin' in. Get in there good. Massage those gums. It's where the good DNA is. I don't know how you do it in D. C., but in Atlanta, we don't stick our fingers in the houseguests' mouths. Or anyplace else, for that matter. Would you like to tell me, what were you doing? Oh, we just, um we noticed that you had a little something stuck in your teeth from lunch, and so, we didn't want you to be too embarrassed. So wakin' up with your hand in my mouth, that's less embarrassing? - We're glad you agree. - [nervous laughter] Okay, guys, how about we let Betty and her clean teeth nap in peace? I told you we should've gone with blood. Sh! KC, if this is about that old spy case again, you better have foolproof proof. Dad, we do. Okay? Judy ran the DNA test, and it turns out, it's a 99% match. So what I'm hearing is, there's still a one percent chance you're wrong. And I'm not about to risk my happiness over one percent. You mean Papa Earl's happiness? No, mine. Look, I finally got the dad I always wanted. I can laugh with him, I can hang out with him. I'm not ready to give that up. Craig, honey, look, I know this is upsetting, but we have a moral responsibility to enforce the law. But I still think I can morally keep the jewelry. Hey, Dad. How about me, you, and Ernie go out for a little bachelor party? Isn't Ernie a little young for a bachelor party? Aren't you a little old for one? I tell you, Craig, this guy is even funnier than his haircut. He must get his sense of humor from you. Oh, come on, Dad. [rueful chuckling] I'm gonna miss happy Daddy. So, Betty, guess it's just us gals, huh? Oh, are we having a bachelorette party? Because if a policeman comes in carrying a boom box, and wearing a rip-away shirt shows up, I'm in. Well, there definitely gonna be policemen involved. Just not the dancing kind. Do you know who had a really super fun bachelorette party? My twin sister when she remarried a few years ago. I woke up with this. Look. "Beast mode"? Seemed like a good idea at the time. Did it? Did it really? Okay, wait, you have a twin sister? Mm-hmm. Identical twin sister. Midge. And I know this is obvious, but she's gorgeous. Wait a minute, your twin sister's name is Midge? Which is short for Margaret. Which explains why it was only a 99% match. Um, Betty, out of curiosity, where does Margaret live? Some remote island off of Puget Sound. I swear, the woman's such a recluse. Not for long. She's about to get a couple of visitors. Who is it?! Delivery. Oh, yeah? Well, I got something for you, too. You'll never take me alive. All right, we're going in. [laser blasts, glass breaking] Let me guess. Betty sold me out. She never could keep a secret. All right, KC, I finally found the perfect prom date for you. Marisa, please, I do not wanna hear the word prom for as long as I live. No, no, I told you someone special's gonna ask you, and I was right. Okay, no, please, tell me. Who is this special, magical person who's gonna show up and make all my prom dreams come true? KC Cooper, will you please do me the honor of being my prom date? Aww, Marisa, that's so sweet. Look, I don't care how many guys asked me. There's no one I'd have a better time with than you. In that case it's a yes. Yay! But on one condition. I'm not wearing a dress. Oh, no, you're lucky you have a date at all. You'll wear that I tell you to wear. And I have narrowed it down to six options, so I'm gonna go get 'em. Well, it was so nice meeting everyone, and thank you for your hospitality. You are welcome here any time, and don't feel it necessary to bring any more of your amazing gifts, especially the diamond-cut earrings that match this bracelet. No, you don't have to. Unless you want to. Well, when it comes to my daughter-in-law, I spare no expense. KC, give Papa Earl a big old hug. Aww, we're gonna miss you, Papa Earl. And you, too, Gammy. Oh! And I can't wait for you to meet the family at Christmas, especially my twin sister. If she ever calls me back. I'm sure she'll call you back collect from prison. Hey, Dad, um, I just wanted to say, um, this was the best visit ever, and I really appreciate the way you treated me. What are you talkin' about? What nonsense is that? Come on, Dad. I know I got on your nerves. Always have. But now you got Betty, and you're happy. You're nice to me. I know we've had our differences, son, but I love you with all my heart, and I have since the day you were born. I guess I'm just getting better at expressing it. I love you, too, Daddy. Now get outta my house, old man. I don't wanna see you till Christmas. Who's ready to put on a fashion show for their prom date? Rob, your name's on TV.