Brian Goes Back to College

- A-Team roll call. Face? - Here and handsome. - Murdock? - Here, and crazy! - BA? - I pity the fool. But I also suggest ways he may better himself. This is gonna be a fun day. Much better than that day I tried TAG body spray for sick cats. Oh. Oh. Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're cute. You're cute. I don't wanna pet you, though. Oh, all right. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? Oh! Oh, no! OK, no. Yeah, no, this spray is not for me. - Brian, what are you doing here? - You lookjust like ALF. I'm not ALF. I'm Douglas Brackman from L. A. Law. I'm writing an article for the Daily Shopper. You'll have a lot to write after we win the costume contest. Hey, check it out. Bill Cosby aerobics. OK, everyone, Alan Thicke will be up in a minute to answer your hate mail, but first, the winners of this year's costume contest, the A-Team with the real black guy. OK, you can stop with that cigar now, Gary. My sinuses will thank you. Brian, I read your article in the Daily Shopper. It was wonderful. - Don't oversell it, Lois. - No, it was good. It almost felt like it was written by a real writer. I read your article too. You should spend less time working for the paper and more time working on that novel you've been working on. Brian. This is Wellesley Shepherdson calling from The New Yorker. - Perhaps you've heard of us? - Yeah, of course I've heard of you. I was using the Daily Shopper to shoo away a homeless person and I saw your article. We'd love to talk to you about becoming a contributor. Come by tomorrow. Wow, yeah, that'd be great. Two o'clock. They want me to contribute to The New Yorker. The New Yorker? You'll fit in there as well as I did at Woodstock. Excuse me, it's been brought to my attention that a few bad apples are smoking marijuana. I've got news for you, my friend. Marijuana's illegal. Not cool. All right, then. - You suck! - Learn the rules! Our writers' lounge, where you'll meet some contributors. - Fielding Wellingtonsworth. - Hello. - Livingston Winstofford. - Yes. - Amelia Bedford-Furthington-Chesterhill. - Good day. And James William Bottomtooth. - This is Brian, our newest contributor. - Hi, there. How's it going? - Would you like some tea? - Cigar? Brandy? - No, I'm good, thanks. - We read your article, Brian. Your study in postmodern American subcultures was quite illuminating. Wow, thanks. That means a lot coming from you guys. I'm sorry? Yes? - Is there a bathroom around here? - Yes, yes, follow me. - Where are the toilets? - No one at The New Yorker has an anus. Peter, it's been two weeks. Don't you think it's time to take off your A-Team costume? Yeah, I guess so, but part of me wished we could just be the A-Team forever, you know? Oh, this damn chair keeps wobbling. I think one of the legs is short. - Lance, I told you to fix that chair. - I checked it earlier. It seems fine. That chair's always like that. We'll help you. Wow, thanks. Hey, if we could fix that wobbly chair, think of what else we could do for our community. Cleveland's right. It seems it's our destiny to be the A-Team after all. We're the A-Team, yeah! In 2005, a group of local misfits won a costume contest at an '80s TV convention. These men promptly returned home and drank some beer. Today they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team. So I said to him, "Brown liquor before Labor Day? What, do you work for Esquire?" Oh, Brian, how droll. We'll have to put that into a cartoon, or as we call it, an illustrated laughing square. You went to Harvard? I'm an Ivy-League man myself. I went to Brown. My incarcerated business partner's retarded gay niece went to Brown. What year? Well, I mean, I didn't technically graduate. You're a college dropout? Brian, The New Yorker does not employ your kind. You, sir, are fired. I can't believe they fired you. How come you never told us you dropped out of college? I saw an Afterschool Special about that. It didn't work out too well for Kristy McNichol, but then again, nothing did. I was only one course shy of graduating and I just cracked under the pressure. Now itjust cost me the bestjob I ever had. Don't take it too hard. You're not the first person to get fired. Louis, the French people really wanna thank you for your services as king, but, it's just not working out and we've decided to go another way, so Yeah. I just heard the dog got fired. Did I miss it? Did he cry yet? Oh, come on, dog. cry for me. Ah, there you are. Oh, yeah, cry for Stewie. Life isn't what you thought it would be. Boy, not graduating from college has haunted me for years. Well, if you only had one class left why don't you just go back and finish? - Plenty of people do that. - You know, that's not a bad idea. Well, this is boring. Let's go see what Meg is up to. Hello, Meg - What are you doing here? - Are you kidding? Miss watching you crash and burn in this misguided attempt to finish college? You're not staying. I'll call Lois and have her pick you up. Hi, I'm your roommate Caleb. I like cutting myself. I bleed a lot. Can I have the top bunk? He already has a roommate - me. We're a couple of crazy college kooks. We're about to make a hilarious answering-machine message. You've reached Stewie and Brian. We're not here right now. If this is Mom, send money because we're college students and we need money for books and highlighters and ramen noodles and condoms for sexual relations with our classmates. All right, fine, you can stay, but what do I tell Lois? You don't have to tell her. Gary Coleman owed me a favour. - Stewie, you want more strained peas? - What you talkin' 'bout, vile woman? There she is, boys, all done. The A-Team is ready to help rid the world of injustice and evil. Yeah! - All right! - Yeah! Let's do it! This is advanced physics, right? I have a right to defend myself as a woman! - No means no! - What the hell is wrong with you? I'm sorry. I just came from that orientation seminar about college dating. Hi, I'm Kelly McGillis, and I'm here to talk to you about rape. Ladies, look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistics indicate that both of those men will rape you. - I'm not gonna rape you. - I might. - Good morning, class. - Can I borrow a pencil? - Now, now, it looks like we have a comedian. - I wasn't making ajoke, I was just asking Now, Louie Anderson, our first test is Friday, and if you don't pass you are out of the class. Fluffy! Fluffy, come down! Oh, Mommy, Daddy, what are we gonna do? Don't you worry, sad little girl. The A-Team'll get your beloved kitty down. Ready, boys? - No need to thank us, it's what we do. - Who the hell are you guys? We're the A-Team. - Get off my property! - Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Let's go. What do you think? I got this at the school store. It's an MC Escher drawing. I think it's called Crazy Stairs. Look, Stewie, I gotta finish this assignment or I'm gonna fail this class. - All done. - What? I can't use this. It'd be cheating. Fine. I'll be out on the quad. You know what I've discovered since I've been in college? I am so all about Ultimate Frisbee. Oh, no! Did that hit Crazy Stairs? I graded your assignments. Clearly there is only one person here who understands the material - Brian Griffin. Just got lucky, I guess. No, Brian, I underestimated you. Here, let me put a smiley face on your test. May I borrow your pen? You Do you Do you want me to just stick it in there? Yes. There. You have earned that. - Hey, what's up B-Ri? - Stewie, just give me a beer. I've had a bad day. I cheated on that assignment. You know, I haven't taken a shower since we got here. I totally reek, man. Check this out. - Come on! - Tell me that's not epic. I didn't come back to college to cheat my way through. I wanted to do it on my own. Will you relax? Plenty of people cheat. Once again, Ashlee Simpson. Mom, look. They're tearing down Roger Williams Park to build a strip mall. Oh, no, I take Stewie there all the time, don't I, sweetie? Victory shall be mine. That's where I go to make out with my boyfriend, Darren Mitchellstork. Yeah, he's the chairman of the soccer ball team. Well, all right. Make sure you practise safe sex, Meg. You little liar! Roger Williams Park? That sounds like ajob for the A-Team. - Hi, Dad! - Go to your room. OK. Ah, Brian, I am glad you could come to my faculty cocktail party. Let me introduce my wife, Helen. Dammit, Steve, you forgot to put out the cheese and crackers. Helen, don't start with me in front of our guests. Do you think I like hitting you? I am sorry you had to see that. Look, sir, I need to confess something. That assignment I turned in You know, Brian, before you came along I was so depressed I was planning to kill myself. But you have inspired me. If you can learn, maybe one day I can walk. Now, what was it you wanted to say? Nothing. You were supposed to get potato chips, you jackass. Dammit, Helen, get the hell off my back or so help me so help me Don't worry. I hear they have great make-up sex. - Oh, that feels so good. - Oh, oh, oh. Oh, yeah. Like that. - Oh, baby. - I thought about this all day. Not so fast. You are hurting me. - All right. - Stewie, come on, we're going home. - What are you talking about? - My final exam is tomorrow. Only way I'll pass is if I cheat. If I do, what was the point of coming back to college? We can't leave. It's almost half-time, and we all pooped in the tuba. OK, we can go. Hey, what are you guys doing? This is ajob site. No, it's not. It's Roger Williams Park and we're here to stop you from destroying it. Whoa! What are you gonna do? Kill us? Oh, no, no. We wouldn't do that. We'll probably shoot the ground around you to make you scared. Then you'll jump in your truck, speed off, hit something and do a flip. - That'd kill us. - No, you'll just roll out and dust yourself off and lumber to your hideout, defeated. I had a cousin got in a fender-bender at five miles an hour. Messed his neck up, he's got partial numbness, he's just not the same guy. - Was he wearing his safety belt? - Thank God. Yeah, cos I know this guy who took his car in for an oil change. Later he got in a wreck and the air bag didn't deploy. - Turns out they stole it, sold it for spares. - No way. It happens. They call 'em chop shops. Makes it harder to track stolen parts. Jeez, that is awful. Well, you got a lot of work to do. We should get out of your hair. - Take it easy, now. - Yeah, see you. Be sure to put your tools away. - We blew it, didn't we? - Boy, you can say that again. We were ready to save Roger Williams Park and we got sidetracked by idle conversation. - We're a terrible A-Team. - The problem is we didn't stay focused. That's exactly it. We didn't stay focused. I mean, we were right there, and then we just Somehow we just I mean It It's been said. We didn't stay focused. Now back to The Facts of Life. - Hey, Mrs Garrett, can I ask you something? - What is it, Jo? Is it a problem if your penis and your vagina touch? What? I try to keep 'em separated, but I woke up this morning and they were sort of together. - I just didn't know. Is that OK? - You have both? - Well, yeah, doesn't everybody? - No! Brian, what are you doing home? I couldn't do it. I thought I'd be able to finish this time, but I just don't have what it takes to be a college graduate. But you're so close. I mean, your final exam's tomorrow. You can't give up. You could study tonight. I think if you work at it Lois, Lois. It's over, all right? I'm not going. Well, whatever you say. - Hey, what's in this closet? - What are you doing? - Well, my my. Mr Hoover's come to visit. - I don't wanna see Mr Hoover. I wonder if Mr Hoover has anything to say about this. This is not funny. I don't wanna see Mr Hoover. Stop! Stop it! Stop it! It's scaring me! Leave me alone! It's so loud! - Stop! Stop it! All right, OK, I'll study! - I'll help you if you want. No thanks, Lois. There's only one person who can help me. Drago! - The exam's in three hours. - Crap. All we did was work out. - We should study. - Right. You're not wearing your costume any more. What's the point? I thought I could help people with this A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, "She's naked, but who gives a shit?" Oh, my God, I overslept. My exam's in 20 minutes. Brian, you'll never make it. Unless there was some kind of team of people who could get you there in time. Peter, do you know anybody like that? You may start your exam now. - Well, how'd you do? - I failed. - What? You failed? - Yep. - What are you smiling for? - Because I took it all the way. I didn't give up on myself, and I didn't cheat. - You probably should have. - Yeah. - You would've been better off. - What were you thinking? Doesn't matter how it turned out. I finished what I started, which means I have my pride, and that's something. - No, it's not. - Are you out of your mind? - I don't understand. - You're a loser. I hate you! I am so bored. When you take a break from your lipstick, how about taking me to the park? My lipstick? What? Right. Right. Right, because of my penis. Yeah, that's fantastic. Lois, Brian won't take me to the park. Then he talked about his ding-dong. Lois. Lois. Dammit, woman, pay attention to me. Stewie, that's not nice. Don't grab Mommy's pants like that. You could really hurt her. Yes, I could, couldn't I? I could hurt Mommy. Shame on us, Rupert. How dare we succumb to boredom while she continues to breathe? She must be destroyed. With Lois out of the way, I could focus on my life's ambition of taking pictures of Madison County. - Let's go back and take a bath. - How about you go back and take a bath? - Have you filed those reports yet? - Angela, come here. Check this out. Look at what this chick is doing to this polar bear. Wait. Wait. It's Wait. Wait. Wait, it's coming up. There you are, Opie. Congratulations. You made employee of the month again.