The Dynamic Duo

1 Adult Adam: Back in the '80s, my best friend was my grandfather. If there was something awesome to do, I was gonna tackle it with Pops, and that week, that awesome thing would be the most hyped movie our time "Batman. " - Pops - Oh. I have the biggest news in your 80-some years of life. A Batman movie's coming out, and it's going to be awesome! Batm'n? I'm in! Me and your dad love the old Adam West TV show. - Didn't we, Murray? - [As Adam West] It appears to me, Commissioner Gordon, that the Joker, Riddler, and the Catwoman have escaped. What is that? What is he doing? I think that's Adam West as Batm'n. Your inability to identify this spot-on impression is criminal. Come on. Let's go see Adam West on the big screen before your dad ruins it forever! Actually, the new movie stars Michael Keaton. - The guy who plays Beetle-Buzz? - Beetlejuice. Beetle-Jazz can't be Batm'n. There is only one Caped Crusader, - and that is me. - Stop it! Why is he doing that weird voice? 'Cause we're going to see "Batman. " I've been waiting to see that for months! I'm gonna grab my coat and pound a couple of Jolts want to make sure I'm really wired when I yell things back at the screen. It appears the Batcave is all mine to watch the Bat-Television in my Bat-Underpants. - Stop it! - Come on. Let's go. - To the Batmobile! - To the Bat-Recliner. Ahh! Oh, man. This is awesome. Great movie, great seats, great snacks. Doesn't get any better than this. Is that seat taken? Is that seat taken? [Groans] Okay. Oh, no, it's Barry! Is that seat taken? We invited Barry and forgot all about him. - Is that seat taken? - Technically, he invited himself - Is that seat taken? - so I feel no remorse. Yo! Can you move your wheelchair so I can sit there? Come on. He's your brother. We got to say sorry. - Is that seat taken?! - Do we? I-I mean, everything is so perfect right now. That seat taken? That seat's taken, too. It's just one little "sorry. " He'll understand. What the hell?! You guys ditched me, now I'm walking around like a schmuck, begging strangers to move over? We were just so excited to see the movie. - You get it. - I don't get it! Where's my seat? I think there's a couple seats in the front row. So you expect me to sit alone in the front row, craning my neck up at the giant screen like putz-bag? - You don't have to do it like a putz-bag. - No way. It's only fair if we all sit in the terrible front row. Pfft. How is that fair? Two words family. Okay, look, the movie's about to start. Just sit up there, and and we'll meet up afterwards. Fine! But this is the worst thing that anyone has ever done to me. I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was April 5, 1980-something. My sister's senior year was cruising right along until this happened. Question What is this garbage? Oh, goodie! You got your college interview for Penn State! Thing is, I didn't schedule it, and I'm not going. Carnegie Mellon is the only school I care about. Well, you always need a backup. That's why I always bake two pies, in case Murray eats one while sleepwalking. Mom, if I don't get into CMU, then I'm just gonna skip college to busk on the street like a true artist. So, what am I supposed to tell people? "Oh, there's my daughter, singing next to a hobo who's going pishy another hobo. " Penn State is amazing! That place made your father everything he is today. Bevy. I lost another hot dog. What? Why does this keep happening? I guess 'cause my, uh, gesturing hand is also my hot-dog-holding hand. I think my point here is proven. Murray, your daughter thinks she's too good to go to her Penn State interview. Let's get something straight, little missy. Graduating from Penn State is the greatest accomplishment of my life. Too bad, Dad. I'm going to Carnegie Mellon. You are going to Penn State. It is cheaper, it's more affordable, and it costs less! That's the same thing said three different ways! Well, if it's good enough for me, it's good enough for you. Okay, fine. I guess I didn't realize how important this was to you. I promise to take my Penn State interview seriously. By "seriously", my sister meant "intentionally tank" her Penn State interview. Yo, dude! Sorry I'm two hours late. Uh, well, three. [Chuckles] No worries. Come on in! Oh! Two points! Oh! Wow. There's not even a trash can there. [Chuckles] Have a seat. [Clears throat] I'm Kyle Schnitz, and it is very nice to meet you. My favorite part of being an alum is getting to interview all kinds of great students. Oh, full disclosure. I'm not so much a, uh, great student as I am a cheater. I'm sorry. Aww! That's a cute dog you got there. Oh. Uh, thank you. Yes, that's Ruffles. He's a rescue. No, I'm talking about your wife. Boom! Upstairs! [Chuckles] Just gonna leave me hanging like that? Lame. Let's just forge onward, shall we? Um, so what programs at Penn State are you most excited to Oh, my! What are you doing? [Muffled] Taking on this meatball sub like a champ. - Want some, Kenny? - It's Kyle. Uh, would you please not get sauce all over my Gah! Damn it! That's my name placard! All right. Let me, uh, cut to the chase here, Kyle. I am one hell of a singer. I mean, check out these pipes. [Clears throat] Kyle Schnitz smells like farts Oh, stinky, stinky farts That was right off the top of the dome. And interview over! The only thing more uncomfortable than Erica's interview was Barry's seat at the movie. Wait till they get a load of me. What's happening? This isn't like the TV show at all. I know! It's so awesome! Adult Adam: He certainly was to me. But to Pops, his Batman was from the old TV show. This is crazy. You really think Adam West is the better Batman? He's the only Batm'n. And this new fancy movie forgot the best part! Where were the "POWs" and "BAMs" when Batm'n socks the Joker? I'm not so sure you need to see big cartoon words when Bat punches a dude. We'll just watch the old show, and then you'll see what I'm talking about. Well, no matter which Batman is better, at least we can agree we had an awesome day together. [Clattering] What the hell?! - Oh, no. - Balls. Balls is right, man! Who exactly are you talking to right now? You! My neck is just jacked up from sitting in the front row. We were bickering about Batm'n, and forgot you were up there. But this always happens! You two do everything without me! Well, I know this looks bad, but we never leave you out of the fun! - [Oven timer dings] - What was that? - Nothing. - What's in the oven, dudes? - Don't look in the oven, Barry. - You better not be doing - what I think you're doing. - Don't look in the oven! I'm going to the oven! I'm looking inside! Oh, my God! You two made Batman Shrinky Dinks without me? You know I live for shrinking dinks. We know that. Everyone knows that! There's only two shrunken dinks, man! Not three dinks. Just two! Yeah, 'cause it's one dink for me and one dink for you. Don't! Just don't. [Oven door closes] You're gonna pay for this. Oh, Barry, come back. You can have my dink. You can have my dink, Barry! Beverly: Murray! Your daughter has some huge news! Erica, tell your father all about Okay, I can't stand it anymore! She said she killed in her interview killed! Whoo-hoo! That's my peanut! Yep! I really made an impression on the Penn State guy. Like, he's never gonna forget me. [Laughing] Oh, my God. I'm so happy, I could [bleep]. That's actually, uh, good timing, 'cause Carnegie Mellon just sent you a letter, and it's kind of thin. Oh, no! It is thin! If they said yes, they wouldn't send the thin one! Wait. Maybe they, uh, just sent a pre-letter to tell me that the thick one's on the way, and Son of a bitch! I got rejected! Carnegie Mellon rejected my baby? [Scoffs] Well, I'm never buying another melon! From this moment on, this family eats tree fruits only. No more scoopable fruits. You hear me? Good news, though. You got your backup. Yes! That is good news, that I have a backup. Murray's an alum, and you will be, too. Penn State is happening. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, um I have to go for, uh for a reason I can't think of right now, but it's real, so bye. Hey! Oh, no! She's back. It's okay! It's me Erica Goldberg. Uh, yeah. I remember. I'm going to my car now, and my secretary knows I'm down here. Wait. No. Don't walk away from me. Or run! - Don't make me chase you, Schnitz! - Oh, God. My secretary has no idea where I am. I slipped out to go to my pottery class! Look, I know I messed up my interview, but I have my reasons! I only tanked it on purpose out of spite! That's even worse than being crazy. I'm not crazy, and this proves it! Look at my teacher recommendations! Just look at them! Damn it! - You are nuts, lady! - And I have good SATs! - Ow! - I need to get a will. And I played soccer in the 10th grade! I was also Model U. N. Treasurer! [Tires squeal] - I think that helped. - With that, Erica officially lost her backup school. Meanwhile, Pops was giving me an education on the old version of "Batman. " See that? It's a camera trick. - Th-They shoot it sideways. - Yeah, I got it. Now, this is Batm'n! Little did I know, my scorned brother was lurking in the shadows and planning a dastardly revenge plot to ensure that me and my grandfather would never forget him again. [Laughs evilly] What? Adult Adam: Like the Joker himself, Barry set a treacherous trap that would destroy the dynamic duo forever. Adam! Come quick! It's an emergency! Oh! Thanks for dropping by. You said it was an emergency. A hang-with-my-bro emergency. Here, have a seat. No! This chair. And action is my favorite movie genre. Which reminds me, I saw you watching that old Batman TV show. Pops was right. Adam West is better than Keaton. Pops doesn't know the first thing about Batman. He doesn't even say it right. He says "Batm'n. " But you told Pops you love his show. It kind of sounds like you lied to his face. I had to. It's just It's so corny! Say it louder. I mean, it made no sense at all. They had a bat-calendar. Move more into the light. And bat shark repellant? Why would a superhero even have that on his utility belt? Why?! So you don't just reject Pops' Batman. You reject Pops as a human old person? Nah, I'm just humoring him. All that old-timey stuff he likes, it's just not for me. And cut. - Why would you say that? - No reason. I always like our talks. Go away now. Come on. Come on. And with that, my brother had everything he needed to become a villain that could even rival Jack Nicholson's Joker. - Wait till they get a load of me. - What'd you say? Nothing! Go away now! Wait till they get a load of Nope. Moment's passed. Damn it. It had been a day since my sister's Penn State disaster, and our parents still didn't know until now. Hey, folks, no need for alarm, except for the incredibly alarming phone call I just got. It seems that Erica tanked her interview with Penn State, and then attacked the man in a parking garage. - What?! - What have you done, child?! It's not my fault! Dad said I had to go to Penn State, and I wanted CMU, and now I have nothing, and, dear Lord, this is a disaster! Look, you folks can relax because ol' Glascott has the solution. - Good. - Thank God. I have failed as a mother. Are any of you familiar with the International Correspondence School? Do you want to make more money? Sure, we all do. You may have seen their catchy TV commercials starring America's sweetheart, Sally Struthers. - Don't. - Ooh, look! In just two short years, you can get a degree in TV/VCR repair. But I don't want to fix TVs! Well, luckily, you have a bunch of other options gun repair, child daycare, learning the personal computer. We're seeing the same thing you are! You don't have to read it out loud! Interior decorating? Cooking? Art? Air condition and maintenance? I mean, what does this school not have? - A campus. - This is a nightmare! Okay, let's all just take a breath. We've got one card left to play. Murray, you're an alum. You'll go down there and straighten this whole mess out. Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea. What? Why not? She made her bed, and now she's gonna have to lie in it! Kid's got to learn. Yeah. In college. Okay, I am not getting involved. End of story! Do not pry! Shh! Well, I am getting you into Penn State. No child of mine will deal with the consequences of her actions! Excuse me. 1-800 As Erica's college career went up in flames, my plan to shoot a Batman movie with Pops was about to be shut down. Well, well, well. If it isn't Adamander Goldberg in the flesh. - Adamander? - We need to talk, my friend. You think Adam is short for Adamander? It's time to pay the piper. Do you think it's like Alexander? Forget the name! You got other things to worry about. Did I ever. At that very moment, Pops would stumble upon a secret recording of me bashing him and all he held dear. Nah, I'm just humoring him. All that old-timey stuff he likes, it's just not for me. Oh, no. I said awful things about his terrible version of "Batman. " Yes you did. For once, Pops is gonna be in my stupid home movie. "RAD: The Barry Goldberg Story. " No! You can't put that wonderful elderly man in a BMX movie! I don't think you'll be stopping me. [Dramatic music plays] No! You can't do this! Okay. This isn't a problem. I'll just grab my toolbox and Damn it! I don't have real-world skills. Or a utility belt with actual utilities! Well, well, looks like you wanted to get into Penn State a little bit more than you thought, hmm, Ms. Goldberg? She does, and we are so, so grateful that you agreed to meet with us today, and Erica is very sorry for her behavior. I really am. I mean, stalking you in the garage and singing a hurtful song about you smelling like poots and comparing your wife's appearance to that of a canine It's all very not good. I might also add, she ate a sandwich on my desk. Which reminds me, you know, I never had my lunch. Would you mind if I rudely devoured this and wasted your time? Okay, I deserve that. Mm, that is very messy. All right, well, I made my point, okay? Well, it might interest you to know that my husband, Murray Goldberg, is an active alum of this school. An active alum? - Active. - Damn it. Fine. Well, I'm sure we can, uh, work something out. [Chuckles] Just take a look. Huh. It appears that Mr. Goldberg is not, in fact, a graduate of Penn State. What? How dare you! Oh, see for yourself. He's one credit shy of graduation. I say I'd earned a celebratory bite, hmm? [Chuckles] [Groans] Oh, Schnitz! I messed myself. I messed myself. College dropout?! I'm married to a college dropout?! You're a college dropout! I dropped out to marry you, dropout! So this is why you wouldn't help, because you've been lying for three decades? I feel bad, and I say that from the bottom of my heart and also to end this conversation! This is nuts. You both lectured me my entire life on how important college is, and now I find out that neither of you even graduated? I was one credit short! You know, if I eat 99% of a sandwich, I still ate a sandwich! This isn't a sandwich! It's my future! Look, it doesn't matter what I did. I'm still your father, and you're not skipping out on college. I am done taking life advice from a hypocrite. Since none of these colleges will take me, I am just gonna focus on my music and busk on the streets like a true artist! Why didn't you back me up on the sandwich metaphor? Well, I hope you're happy. Your daughter's a busker. We've lost her to the streets. Busking? As Erica walked out on her college future, Pops had stumbled right into Barry's supervillain trap, and it was foolproof. [Sighs] Adam said some pretty nasty words about everything you love. Can't imagine what you must be thinking right now. I think you secretly taped Adam in a weird attempt to turn us against each other. How dare you, sir! You told Adam to stand in better light. You really need to learn how to grift someone, kiddo. If anything, you should be angry at Adam! He's the one who bad-mouthed you while I happened to be filming! Yeah, where's Adam? I was trapped with no way out. Think, Adamander! Think! And then I saw it. My sheets served as my own Bat-Signal. Forget the Batman movie and TV show. I'd be the greatest Dark Knight Gotham had ever seen! I told you! Adam's long gone! - Whoa! - [Thuds] That looks so much easier on TV! Adam, are you okay? No! This crazy man locked me in my room so he could make a dirt-biking movie with you! Barry, why would you do this? The kid could have gotten real hurt. - I just had enough. - Enough of what? Of you two leaving me out! All my life, you guys have been the dynamic duo having fun, making awesome movies. Did it ever occur to you, just once, maybe I'd like to be included? Barry, you're my grandson, too. You know I love you. It doesn't feel like that, Pops. With her college dreams dashed, Erica would busk her way to fame and fortune. Naturally, she'd rely on the greatest song of the '80s. Gonna take a lot to take me away from you There's nothing that a hundred men or more [Gasps] Gah! Gross! I bless the rains down in A [Gasps] Damn it! Gonna take more than that to make me leave this pla Gah! Come on! I hate the rains down in Jenkintown While Erica's dreams broke down, me and Pops were ready to build Barry back up. Hi. Hey. So, me and Pops are starting our Batman movie, but we couldn't decide which Batman was better, so we're gonna have both. Sounds fun. A-Actually, we thought you could have some fun with us. Really? I mean, we got the superheroes, but no one for us to fight. I don't know. I-I didn't really like being the Joker. I think this time you will. Follow us. [Toto's "Africa" plays] No way! A BMX Batman movie? Look, we never meant to leave you out, and now that you're here, I say we turn the dynamic duo into the fearsome threesome! It's really getting soaked down in Jenkintown There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do How's it going? I-It's going great. Listen, I realized you were right about me, screaming at you all these years about finishing college, and I didn't even see it through. So you're not gonna make me go home and apply to new schools? I'd like to, but I can't, not after lying to you all these years. So that's it? Tell me I'm a moron! Tell me not to give up on myself! Tell me to apply to new schools and make something of my stupid life! Sounds like I don't have to say anything because you already know it. I guess you're right. I also know that if I'm gonna start college, then you're gonna finish it. Hey, I do high-level accounting every day. It's one credit. Come on. Okay, fine. If you're willing to see it through so can I. That day, my dad was the hero who saved Erica, and she ended up saving him right back. - It's gonna take a lot to take - And that night, I finally got the chance to be the Dark Knight, with my superfamily by my side. The Joker's on the loose. To the Batmobile. - [Toto continues playing] - To the better Batmobile. Because in the end, the greatest superheroes - I bless the rains down in Africa - don't have powers or wear capes. They're the people who stick with us through the greatest adventure of all growing up. I bless the rains down in Africa Truth is, it's not how many gadgets we have in our utility belt that get us through life. What really saves the day are the loved ones who stand by our side and help us fight to make our dreams come true. I am super! - Batm'n. - Batman. That's what I said Batm'n. No, you're saying "Batm'n. " Listen I'm Batman! I'm Batm'n. - I'm Batman! - I'm Batm'n. - I'm Batman! I'm Batman! - I'm Batm'n. What on Earth are you two doing? No need to be alarmed, citizen. We are crime-fighting professionals. Get off the side of the house, or I'll kill both Batmans. See, that's how you say it. I'm walking off this picture.