Pray Anything

Chorus (sings): The Simpsons

Pray Anything [BELL RINGING]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

[BEEPING]

[LISA PLAYS SOLO]

D'oh! Ah!

Dad, it's so enlightened of you to take us to a WNBA game.

Yeah. Well, nachos are nachos.

Girl: Over here. Over here.

Whoa, check out Janeane Giraffalo.

That's Fung Pang-Li, the 7-foot sensation from Szechwan.

Szechwan, eh? No wonder she's so spicy.

[GROWLS]

Bart, you're a little young to be growling at 7-foot Chinese ladies.

Fine. I'll go back to being bored.

Wow, I wonder what it would be like to be with a woman like that.

[GASPS]

Woo!

Mm...

Far-fetched...

Ha, ha.

Look, that's Lisa Leslie.

She showed little girls everywhere that they can grow up to be 6'5".

Lisa Leslie, you got game.

I think you mean I have game.

Try to speak correctly.

You go, girl.

Yes, I will depart lest your bad grammar rub off on me.

Announcer: Now, here's something for the men to dribble over.

Our mascot, Swish.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Oh, I can see her logo and everything.

Oh, heh.

Ha, ha. Hey, come back. Hey, I love you.

Hey.

Oh.

Huh?

All: Aw.

Oh, darn it. Swish was everything I'm not.

Put the head back on.

Announcer: And now it's time for our $50,000 half-court shot.

The winning fan is in section A.

Yes.

Announcer: Row 12.

Yes.

Announcer: Seat 16.

Woo-hoo!

Huh?

Praise the Lord. My seat has scored.

Dad, this ticket is for tomorrow's WNFL game.

Bart: The Cowgirls versus The She-gles. Heh.

No love lost there.

Unh.

Thanks for supporting the WNBA, sir.

You betcha. It's a nice break from the male sports I usually watch.

You like male sports?

Oh, sure. Speed walking, ballroom dancing... rhythmic gymnastics, extreme choir.

Just hurry up and miss.

Lord, make my shot straight and true.

Huh? Huh? Huh?

[GROANS]

Can't we just pretend you're really a girl?

Well, for how long?

For the rest of our lives.

[CROWD CHEERING]

D'oh!

Gosh, $50,000. I'm donating this whole check to Bibles for Belgians.

I'm the owner of this here team.

I wanna reward your generous attitude... with this check for a hundred thousand dollars.

[CROWD CHEERING]

I'm crazy as a crap-house rat for philanthropy.

Hee-haw! Hee-Haw!

[LAUGHS]

I'm sorry, sir. Your car is still blocked in.

Well, heh, I guess Flanders doesn't have all the luck.

So we'll let you drive home in the Wienermobile.

Well, hot dog.

Rod & Todd [in unison]: Yay!

That cuts the mustard with me.

Oh, it's not fair. I always wanted to drive a food-shaped car.

Heh, the steering wheel is a giant onion ring.

They thought of everything.

[CRYING]

How come all the good things happen to Jesus H. Nice?

By which I mean Flanders.

[CRYING CONTINUES]

[MARGE HUMMING]

Homer: D'oh!

Huh?

Homer: D'oh!

Huh?

Homer: D'oh!

Huh?

D'oh!

D'oh!

D'oh! D'oh!

What are you doing?

The grass is actually greener on Flanders' side.

That's because you keep passing out on our lawn.

[CROW CAWS]

No, that's not it. He's got some secret.

And I'm gonna find out what it is, no matter what it takes.

Flanders, what's your secret?

You never get arrested, don't buy clothes at Mister Blob... and look at your beautiful lawn. It sickens me.

Well, heh, whatever I've got, I owe to hard work, honest living... and flossing my teeth, tail and toes. Plus a prayer now and then.

So that's all it takes.

A little prayer.

Man (on tv): And now Ken Burns.

A documentary by Ken Burns about the life of Ken Burns.[/i]

Ew! Where's the remote?

Narrator (over tv): Ever since he was a young man...

Ken Burns has loved two things.

Baseball and jazz.

They so consumed my life... I never had time for a proper haircut.

Well, if I don't have the remote... I can just get up and change the channel.

[HOMER WHINES]

[GASPS]

Wait a minute. I'll do what Flanders does.

Oh, merciful God... who has blessed mankind with two kinds of clam chowder... help me find the remote.

[GASPS]

There it is.

I've never actually been to a baseball game.

The fresh air gives me hives.

Homer (yelling): Die monster!

Man (on tv): You're watching Monkey Olympics on Fox.

It worked. I got my wish.

From now on, I'll pray till my hands are chapped and bleeding.

Announcer (on tv): 5.2, 5.2, 5.2, 5.1, 5.3.

[MONKEY GIBBERING]

Commentator 1 [on tv]: Ooh, low marks. I've never seen Noodles this mad.

Commentator 2 [on tv]: She's throwing her diaper at the judges.

Oh, Lord. Please guide that diaper into someone's schnoz.

[SPLATS]

Ah, yes.

[HOMER HUMMING]

Hmm. Vengeful God, loving God.

Vengeful God, loving God.

Vengeful God, loving God.

Vengeful God, loving God. Ha, ha.

I could do this all day and I just might.

Vengeful God, loving God.

Vengeful God, loving God.

Setting up a prayer station, eh, Homer?

I used to think God only helped professional athletes... and Grammy winners.

But now I realize he helps shmoes like me too, Carl.

Makes sense to me.

Oh, by the way, did you see the judging in the monkey figure skating?

Whose banana you gotta peel to get a 5.9? Pfft!

Could not believe that.

Dear Lord, as I think of you, dressed in white with your splendid beard... I am reminded of Colonel Sanders who is now seated at your right hand... shoveling popcorn chicken into thy mouth.

Lord, could you come up with a delicious new treat like he did?

I command you.

Truck Driver: Hey, watch it.

[HORN HONKS & TIRES SCREECH]

Oh, fudge!

Woo!

Mm... Move over, eggs.

Bacon just got a new best friend: fudge.

Oh, heavenly God, my son is plagued with homework.

With your vast knowledge of "The Shore Birds of Maryland"... I know you can help him.

Homer, God isn't some kind of holy concierge.

You can't keep bugging him for every little thing.

Can and will. Now, to unstop the sink.

Lord, please use your space-age clog- busting powers on this stubborn drain... then take some time off for yourself.

Fly to France, have dinner.

I'll just call a plumber.

[PHONE DIALING]

Oh, Lord, I see thou art working through thy imperfect vessel, Marge... for thou art most wise...

You know, most people pray silently.

Marge, he's way the hell up there.

Plumber: Okay.

Hmm, I'm afraid I've got bad news.

Trees have gotten into your plumbing.

How bad is it?

Your pipes have more roots than the list of all time top-rated TV shows.

Oh, well, we could live with a stopped-up drain.

I don't think that moisture's gonna do wonders for your drywall.

And it ain't in such great shape as it is.

Oh!

Oh.

You was hiding behind the drywall.

Yes, you were. I'm glad social services didn't see this. Yes, I am.

[COUGHS]

Oh, you coughed up some drywall.

[ORGAN PLAYING]

Lord, this is a dire emergency.

If you could fix my house... or make a new house from one of my ribs.

[SCREAMS]

Dad, are you hurt?

I think my leg is broken.

Slip and fall? Can't go back to work?

I'm Larry H. Lawyer, Junior. And I will fight for you.

I also habla Español.

So that's your answer. I'll sue the church.

Homer, we can't sue the church.

They'll poke fun at us in the church bulletin.

It wouldn't be the first time.

I couldn't help it. Those pews are so comfortable.

You have rights. You deserve financial compensation.

He got me $60,000. And I was driving drunk in a graveyard.

Now, you're my first client who actually is injured.

According to this book, that's a big plus.

Homer, please don't sue the church.

I'm asking you as your friend and neighbor.

Can I borrow your pen to sign this?

Okely-dokely.

[GROANS]

Why do I always give in to him?

It's his skull. It's hypnotic.

Now, hearing Homer Simpson v. The First Church of Springfield.

Morning, judge. How is your lovely wife?

She was run over by a clergyman.

[GULPS]

We're very sorry for the victim's injury.

But as this tape demonstrates, Mr. Simpson is accident-prone.

I can't see anything in this fog.

Ow!

[GRUNTING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Ha, ha, Your Honor, we the jury find that to be America's Funniest Home Video.

Back to you, Bob Saget.

This is a court of law.

Okey-doke. We find for Mr. Simpson in the sum of $1 million.

Woo-hoo!

Can I get that in lottery tickets?

Well, Your Honor, we don't have that kind of money.

We're not a synagogue.

In that case, I award Mr. Simpson the deed to the church.

You're giving him the church?

He's not giving it to me. God is because I prayed for it.

Dad, I think this might be the work of Satan.

It's all good.

[GRUNTS]

Homer, for the last time, please give the church back.

[CHURCH BELLS TOLLING]

That is gonna drive me nuts.

Look. This church is our only option.

Don't you kids wanna live here?

Anything's better than that dump we came from.

And there's so many places to cloister myself.

The dog's onboard too.

Aw, he thinks he's papal.

[GROANS]

Well, the court has spoken, so here you go.

The baptismal font tends to run. You have to jiggle the handle.

Oh, and Wednesday is garbage day.

Sweet.

I'm so sorry, Reverend.

Oh, it's not so bad. We'll be staying with the Flanders'.

And, Rev, you'll be bunking with me.

Oh, boy, does he ever...

[KISS' "I WAS MADE FOR LOVING YOU" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

I wanna lay it at your feet 'Cause girl, I was made for you.

And, girl you were made for me

Oh, I love this song.

[SINGING] I was made for loving you, baby.

You were made for loving me.

I can't get enough of you, baby

[RECORD SCRATCHES]

There's people in Community Outreach Center.

Well, we'll just see about that.

If it weren't for Alcoholics Anonymous... I'd still be sucking the juice out of glow sticks.

Oh, yeah.

I've been there.

I am so sorry for all your horrible problems.

But this is our dog's room now.

[GROWLS]

Wherever shall we go?

Uh, you can come to my church.

And what church might that be?

Saint Pauli Girl's Cathedral.

Oh, I've heard of them.

Yeah, okay. Let's go there.

Homer, that was not very Christian of you.

You're right. I'll make it up... by throwing the bitchingest beer bash this church has ever seen.

Bless you.

Bless you. How're you doing?

Wow, Homer, this is like a party Dick Clark would throw.

Yeah. Fun, but not too fun.

So where's Marge?

Uh, she went to Lovejoy's temporary church.

She's worried about her immortal soul.

[PINS CRASHING]

He said to his disciples...

In your face, Bestway Linen Supply.

Yeah, no mercy.

Roll that rock.

[WHOOPING]

In these times that test our faith... the Lord will be a... Holy shining light unto us all.

[GROANS]

[CHUCKLES]

Sorry, Padre. I didn't mean to embarrass you in front of the goyim.

As I was saying, if we keep our hearts pure, we can...

Dr. Hibbert, must you play the claw machine?

I'll be right there. I've almost got me a kitty cat.

[CHUCKLES]

[GROANS]

I really enjoyed your sermon.

Particularly the part about the pin in the gutter on lane 15.

Ugh, that wasn't me. That was the manager.

Are you sure? Because it really spoke to me.

Marge, it's as plain as the bruise on my shin.

There's no place for me here.

Where you going, Reverend? The town's that way.

Reverend?

You're going the wrong way.

I'm sorry, Ned.

It looks like God has packed up and left Springfield.

Ah, no. No, you're lying. You're lying.

What makes you lie?

[CRYING]

Good evening. Springfield is grappling tonight... with the departure of Rev. Timothy Lovejoy, Bible nut.

How is our community coping with this spiritual vacuum?

Let's ask Arnie Pie in the sky.

You wanna know what I see, Kent?

I see a slow news day with nothing to fill it.

You're supposed to be filming people coping with the loss of their church.

And how am I supposed to do that?

Do I have a magic lens that can see into people's souls?

Well, yours would be black, Kent. Black as the ace of spades.

[GROANS]

Homer, send these people home.

This house-warming party's been going on for two days.

Hey, hey, you can't throw us out.

I just made a Cornish game hen with chestnut stuffing.

Would you believe a pigeon stuffed with Spam?

A rat filled with cough drops?

[ALL CHATTERING]

They've broken every commandment except one.

Carl: Hey, Lenny, covet some more chili fries?

That's it. The whole shebang.

Lord, this town may have turned its back on you, but not the Flanders'.

Wherever we are, you'll have your church.

Are you with me, boys?

[BOTH BABBLING]

Speaking in tongues, what great kids.

[BABBLING CONTINUES]

Full house. Jacks over twos.

Ha, ha, read them and strip, Barn.

[GROANS]

Uh-uh-uh-uh. Slowly. Make me forget my troubles.

Oh, I hate this game.

Look at all this. The great food, the party, the sunshine.

Pfft! Hard to believe one God came up with all this.

Well, there's probably a lot of gods.

Yeah, and some of them's gotta be chicks.

Yeah, with, like, a thousand boobs.

Woo-hoo! That's the God I'm gonna worship.

Well, there's only one God for me, your dad's old hunting trophy.

On Dasher, on Dancer. Man, I must be wasted.

[RUMBLING]

Homer, aren't you afraid you might be...?

I don't know, incurring God's wrath?

Eh. God's cool.

See, I don't know that he is.

In the Bible, he's always smiting and turning people into salt.

Oh, look. God's giving us a little shower.

Everybody, look at the much needed rain.

Thank you, God. Now, turn the rainwater into wine.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Okay, boys. This is it. The end of this sinful little suburb.

[IN UNISON] Yay!

Let every evil lung fill.

Ned: Okay. I got two of every animal... but only males. I don't want any hanky-panky.

Hey, hey, hey. Cut that out.

Wet and wonderful God... your flood has driven us to the roof of your church.

Surely this has proven whatever point you had.

Oh, God's ignoring me.

Dad, maybe you should stop praying. See if that makes it happy.

This heretic has doomed us all.

Yeah. I say we skin him alive and set him on fire.

Yeah, that'll appease God.

Appease who now?

Man: Whoa, let's get biblical.

Lovejoy: Leave that man alone.

It's Reverend Lovejoy.

Let us pray.

Dear Lord, please spare this sinful town.

They were misled by a demon in blue pants.

I guess I learned something here.

God is capable of great anger and great mercy... but mostly great anger.

There are perfectly logical explanations for everything that happened.

The bonfire sent soot into the air, which created rain.

And with all the trees cut down, a flood was inevitable.

Yeah. But what made the rain stop?

I don't know. Buddha?

Hey, they've suffered enough.

Keep that popcorn chicken coming, colonel.

Mm, mm.

Not bad.

I think it's about time for you to tell me what's in those spices.