The Scarlett Getter

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! Attention, everyone. As you all know, there has been an alien on the loose for quite some time now. I've checked my house. He's not in my house. Good work, Smith. Still, the search could use a little boost. Everyone, meet freelance alien bounty hunter, Shannon Sharpe. Glad to be aboard. Shannon Sharpe? The football guy? Yeah. I hunt aliens now. Used to catch TDs; now I catch ETs. You ever caught an alien, Shannon? Not yet, Mr. Question, but I'll let you know when I do. Anyone with any helpful information should report it to Shannon Sharpe immediately. Let's bring in this damn alien once and for all. Yes! Let's bring it in! I want to bring it in so bad! You are a complicated man, Smith. I would love to do mushrooms with you. Oh, no! I overslept! Oh, no! I'm out of undies! Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Thanks for holding the bus, Judy. I overslept. I didn't even get to study for my test today. Steve, what the hell are you wearing? Ah, man. I must have grabbed a pair of Hayley's underwear from the dryer. This day can't get any worse! Those are Hayley's? Let me smell them. Snot, we're on the bus. I'm not going to take them off. That's not what I asked. Thanks for meeting me here between classes. No problem. You doing the Nigerian medical student? Yep. First one in my village to pretend to become a doctor. Listen, the CIA's getting serious about finding you. You need to be extra careful with your disguises. Don't worry, Stan. I commit to my personas down to the last detail. By the way, I just inherited U. S. $22 million, of which I'll give you 45% if you can just wire me the taxes up front. Thanks. Oh, my God. Scarlett Reynolds. We were in CIA boot camp together. I haven't seen her in 20 years. Oh, my God! Coffee and a story. Man, was I in love. We were inseparable. It was the most romantic time of my life. Wow, Stan. That's amazing. Why did you guys break up? Oh, none of that was real. We were at boot camp together, but everything else was just a fantasy. Come on. Penguins don't have nipples. Anyway, I never worked up the courage to tell her I liked her. I can't say I blame you, Staniel. She's a looker. I think I'm going to ask her out. You?! You three-foot-tall, gray, disgusting piece of (bleep)! Scarlett's an angel. You're a pig. She would never go for you. Listen, you, that hurts. I like to think of myself as a pretty strong person, but you you cracked it. Congratulations. Scones here are super flaky. Stan? Stan Smith? Who's there? Who's that? Scarlett Reynolds, from CIA boot camp. Oh, my God! What are you doing here? I'm in town on business. Are you still working at the CIA? Hardly working, or am I hard? I'm hard. How are you? Great. I left the agency after boot camp, and now I work in the private sector. Privates! You look great. We've got to catch up. Yes. Yes. Come over for dinner. I'm married, but most people get divorced these days. Come on. Ooh, yeah, here we are. Damn it! Klaus, I just had the luckiest day. My hair was perfect, we had French bread pizza at lunch, and the old black janitor said to me, and I quote, "You lookin' fly. Go get it now. " Hard to believe the day turned out so great, considering it started with me accidentally putting on Hayley's panties. Hold up. Have you considered those might be lucky panties? What, like The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, but with panties instead of pants and me instead of Tibby Rollins? Ugh. Why do you say stuff like that, man? Look, all I'm saying is, lucky clothes are a thing. If you don't believe me, test them out. Lucky panties! I hope Scarlett likes our flatware. Why wouldn't she? 'Cause it sucks, Francine! We have terrible flatware! Stan, calm down. You're so nervous. Wouldn't you be if the love of your life was about to walk through that door? The love of your life? This girl made my knees weak, my palms sweaty, my butt leak. You ever felt that way, Francine? Stan, my feelings are starting to get hurt. You know what? You're making me not want to tell you things. Open it. So, Scarlett, is there a man in your life? Or a woman? Or a big blue ma-ma-ma-ma-ma friend? Nah. I'm still single. I guess I just haven't found the one. Hey! Hey, you're available. And I'm not. What a world. What a horrible world. Whew, I think I'm getting dizzy from your wine. I think I'm getting dizzy from your fine. Oh, for God's sake. I'm going to go Doesn't matter you're not paying any attention. I don't know. Surprise me. Ugh. You ever wish someone you know would die? Wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend You would You could cut ties with all the lies That you've been living in And if you do not want to see me again I would understa I'm sorry. Ah Just a second. I Ah. What? You wouldn't believe what a D-bag Stan is being. He's got his old boot camp crush down there. Those two are stuck on each other like gum on a hot summer sidewalk on a summer afternoon. I'm sorry. I'm taking a creative writing class, and I can't turn it off. Like a fire hydrant, gushing onto a hot summer sidewalk. My words cascading, like water onto a hot summer sidewalk. A cat skitters by, each step a relief, cooling its paws from the hot summer sidewalk. Oh, I know all about Scarlett. Your bastard husband told me I was too disgusting to get her. I was so upset, I ate a donut. That's why I skipped dinner. I got a pizza coming. So many toppings. God, I'm pissed at Stan. He needs to be taken down a peg. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? All the time, bitch. Good. So you'll interrupt this dinner dressed in your most charming, irresistible persona. Dan Andsome-Handsome. No woman can resist him. Whoo! Just hearing his name makes me hot. Like a hot summer sidewalk. An ice cream man saunters Okay. Okay, Scarlett, this is ten quarters. If I can do it, you have to kiss me. Okay, one more time. - One more time. - Sorry I'm late. Name's Dan Andsome-Handsome. You're the most stunning woman I've ever seen. Uh I'm Scarlett. Mmm. Let me take you out, show you my Langley Falls. Uh, Dan, I I hardly think Scarlett's going to have time to I'd love to. All right, Stan, don't make a scene. Just say something witty and exit on the laugh. So jealous! Bye, Scarlett. Drive safe. Great night. Wonderful night. What the hell are you doing? Farting off part of that dinner. - What are you doing? - You know what I'm talking about! Pretty simple, really you told me I couldn't get her, so I'm going to get her. Naked. All right, I-I was wrong. You can get her, but don't. Any girl but her. You can't keep two girls on lockdown. You already got Francine. If you want to let her go, then I'll back off Scarlett. Of course, then, I'll plow Francine. I'd let him, too. Dan Andsome-Handsome gives me quite the wide-on. Ah oh But my fantasy girl. Stan, you have no right to interfere with Roger's love life. Look, Stan, you're married. You're out of the running. And I think we both agree that it's not all right for a girl like that to go a day without a crispy pickle. Fine. I won't interfere. Oh, well, I'm sorry you're stuck with me. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Honey, no, no, don't don't do that. It's not all your fault. We both said, "I do. " All right, lucky panties. Work your sateen magic. Ho-ho, easy on the tush, fellas, hey. Wh-Wh-Who took my panties, m-my women's panties th-that I was wearing? Has anyone seen my women's panties that I was wearing?! Snot. Without those lucky panties, who knows what could happen? Eh, maybe I'm just being silly. Ow. A syringe? Oops, I should be more careful. I need that. I share it with everyone. What looks good to you? Don't do that. You know exactly what looks good your cans and your toilet. What do you say we skip dinner and go straight to dessert? You whore. Dessert sounds great. Stan, what are you doing here? Thought I'd treat you kids to dessert. Let's see what we got here. We can eliminate everything with dairy because it gives this guy the green apple splatters. Um, Stan, I'm not so sure that Oh, right, we shouldn't share forks because of your rampant mouth VD. So maybe skip dessert and each of us go to our separate homes? May I have a word with you? You said you weren't going to interfere. Yeah, I also said I love to spend time with my kids. Look, there's no way I'm letting you ruin my fantasy of Scarlett by having sex with her. Are you challenging me? Are you a challenger? Are you challenging me to make a Challenger joke? Because it's too soon and too sad and I really don't have a good one. I'm taking you home right now and locking you in the attic. Yo, nerds, any of you seen an alien? No, we're looking for panties. Oh, we're all looking for stuff. Hey, panty thief, give me my panties back! Never! I love them so much! Damn it. Anybody got any ideas? I got one. Now, how do we market it? Welco-Welcome home, space lothario. You might have slept with Scarlett, but I'm wearing your robe. Ha! Hey, that's my pooping robe. I can tell by all the poop on the edges. And while I'm being candid, I did not make the acquaintance of Scarlett's insides. Ha, she wouldn't let you sleep with her, huh? Attagirl. Oh, no, she was begging me for it, but I decided it wasn't quite the right setting. Setting? You know your ski chalet fantasy? That's where I want to do it. I want to take your dream girl into your dream setting and plow her in real life. You wouldn't. Oh, but I would. I'm gonna do it like this. And then I'm gonna do it like this. And then it's her turn. A-boom-boom-boom-boom- boom-boom-boom-boom-boom. Shannon Sharpe, sharpening a machete, gonna catch an alien and eat some spaghetti. Hold on, spaghetti, I got to get that. Shannon Sharpe? If you want to catch the alien, I know where you can find him. Hey, that's my spaghetti. This is the first I'm hearing of it. Oh, man, this is exciting. Gonna catch my first alien. So, uh, what do you think the CIA will do with the alien when you bring it in? Oh, they're going to dissect him like a frog, like Kermit. That's probably my favorite frog. Hey, if you get a runny nose, I've got napkins in the glove box. Every time I go to Wendy's, I grab a handful of those yellow napkins. Klaus, what's going on? I'm moving into Roger's attic. Stan turned him over to an alien hunter. Wh-What? Yeah, he was super P. O. 'd about Roger taking Scarlett away for the weekend careful with that box! You hold it precariously and I am distrustful. Thank you, Rico. Gracias, Rico. How's your wife's Looney Tunes jean jacket? Just like in my fantasy. You go on ahead, Stan, I'm just waterproofing my snakeskin boots. I won't be but a minute. Get off of her, you gross, gray arf! Where's Rog Dan? He's in the back. What are you doing here? Hey, Stan, look at my boots. The water just beads up. Aw, damn, Scarlett? Hello, Shannon. Wait, you two know each other? Of course I know this fine lady. Best alien hunter around, but not today 'cause that alien is mine. What? No, th-there must be some mistake. There's no mistake. Oh, boner, not now. Oh Panties, oh, panties. Steve, what are you doing? I-I accidentally wore your panties the other day the really cute pair with the lace job? When I wore them, I had the best luck of my life, but then Snot stole them. Aw, Snot has them? Yeah, now I need another pair. I need my luck back! Look, Steve, remember on The Smurfs when Wimpy Smurf wasn't feeling very strong and Papa Smurf made him a magic courage potion? Of course. And remember it worked, but then in the end, Papa Smurf admitted it wasn't magic at all? It was just regular old Smurf Berry Jam. Classic episode. Steve, those panties weren't lucky. It was the confidence they gave you that made you feel lucky. Hey, and guess what. That confidence is in side you. Oh, thanks, Hayley. All right, run along now. I have had the worst luck since I lost those panties. Give 'em back, you son of a bitch! Oh, hell, no. Give 'em to me. That was amazing. Those are the luckiest panti in the world. You're an alien hunter? That's right. I purposefully ran into you at the coffee shop 'cause I knew you had the alien. Why else would I even give you the time of day? Really? You're a loser. You were a nobody at the academy and you're a nobody now, and you saw me kill someone so now I'm going to kill you. Oh, man, you are the worst right now. I can't believe I spent all those years pining after you. Well, allow me to erase that memory. Go ahead, shoot me. You're trash. I have the best wife at home. She's terrific, she's sexy, she's smart but not very. Lady, my wife blows you away. Damn right I do. Francine? Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, my God. Wow, she was really dry. Oh, Francine, I'm so sorry for being such a sack of beans, fantasizing over Scarlett. No, it's okay. Sometimes I like to fantasize you're a group of angry construction workers when we're making love. But what woman doesn't look back on her first time with fondness? To think I almost turned Roger into the CIA. Shannon Sharpe said they were gonna dissect Help! Roger! Oh, gross! Roger! Hey, can you guys put me back together before I die over here? Preesh. Thanks for saving me, dudes. So when did you realize Scarlett was an alien hunter? Took a little longer than I'd prefer to admit. For a while, I just thought we were having super-kinky sex, and then she cut off my face. Sorry for interfering with your love life, pal. Yeah, I'm sorry for going after your fantasy girl. Come on, let's go home. You guys go ahead, I'm gonna make the Shannon Sharpe thing look like a suicide. Yeah, it's pretty clear what happened here. This man shot himself, fell against the painting, then took out a knife. Back to the office, boss? Uh-uh, it's movie time. Are you serious? Am I dialing Moviefone right now? Yes!