The Muppets (2011)

That's me, Walter. Where... Where'd you go? Oh, there you are! I have the best life in the whole world. That's my brother, Gary. He's the best friend you could ever have. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. We could be twins. Smalltown... ...the best town you could ever grow up in. Gary and I did everything together. And, as the years passed, my brother was always there for me. I got it! Gary, throw me! Throw me! Aaah! We were a great team. - Nice job, Walter. - Thanks, Gary. Oh, don't get me wrong. It's not perfect. - That was so fun! - Nothing is. Sorry, kid. - I wanna do that again! - Come on. I'll ride with ya! Hurry up! Even the sunniest days can have a few clouds in them. Ride's bogus, anyway. Hey, wanna rent a video? Yeah. Race you home! And, well, that night sorta changed everything. It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Steve Martin! I found them... ...The Muppets. I guess you could say I was their number one fan. Oh, Gary, it's an entire map of The Muppet Studios. And they made all the difference. - Trick or treat! - Because from then on... - Hey, guys. - Oh, hey, Gary. - Hey. - Hi-ho, guys. Yay! Is that Kermit the Frog? What is this, 1978? ... even on the worst days, I knew... ...that as the years passed... Cancel that last remark. ... as long as there are singing frogs and joking bears... ...Swedish chefs and boomerang fish, the world can't be such a bad place after all. All right, good night, buddy. Oh, good night, Gary. And as long as there are Muppets... - ...for me... - ... hair-growing tonic. ...there's still... ...hope. Aaah. Bye-bye! Somebody get him! Animal. Hey, Animal, come on. The show's about to start. Show! Show! Hey, Walter, why don't you join us? Come on! No! Wait! I want to be with you guys! Please let me in! Kermit! Whoa! Walter, are you OK, buddy? You're drenched in sweat. Did you have the dream again? Ummm. No. Hey, so when are you guys leaving today? Oh, um, just a couple hours now. Oh, wow, Gary, I think it is so cool you're taking Mary to Los Angeles. I can't believe you guys have been dating for ten years. I know. Yeah, she wanted to do something special for this anniversary, and she's always wanted to see Los Angeles, so... Hey, don't forget to send me a postcard from The Muppet Studios. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. - I can't do that, Walter. - But, Gary... Because... you're coming with us! Oh, Gary! - But what about Mary? - She's fine. - She said the more the merrier. - I... I don't know what to say! The Muppet Studios are there, Gary. I can't believe this! Better get a move on. We don't want to miss that bus! No way! Who knows? Maybe Kermit will be there. I wouldn't get your hopes up, buddy. The Muppets haven't put on a show together in years. I don't think they use the studios for anything but tours anymore. Nah, I think that's just an Internet rumor. Like there's a country called Turkey. Walter, how many times do we have to go over this? - Turkey is a very real country. - Wow, Muppet Studios. I can't believe it! Whoooa! With someone to paint Life's a piece of cake And someone to brake With someone to saw Life's a happy song With someone to give Life's a piece of pie And someone to dry With someone beside you Life is full of highs And someone to fry Oooh... Sorry. I was super excited. All right, Carlos. Flip the ignition. And that is how you fix a 12-volt starter. Oh! You know what that means. Spring break. It's OK. We'll be back to studying in two weeks. Yay! - Have a nice vacation. - Bye. Have fun. - Bye, Mr. Gary. - Have a good break, guys. - Hey, great job, Carlos. - Thanks. Enjoy your anniversary dinner. - Hi. - I got you these. Oh. Sorry. It's probably from the dance number I was doing. It's OK. They're really sweet. You excited for our big trip to LA? I have our list. Me, too. Oh, this is the most romantic thing ever. I've always dreamt of seeing Los Angeles. I know. Walter can't wait either. You don't mind that he's coming, right? No. No, of course not. As long as we can spend our anniversary dinner together. That's all I ask. Totally. It's gonna be the most romantic anniversary dinner ever. I love you so much. Oh. - I love you, too. - I'm gonna go check on Walter. Oh... OK, they're gone! Hey, Gary, what should we do first at Muppet Studio? 'Cause I was thinking that maybe we could start at Fozzie's Joke Room... Oh, no, wait, wait, wait. The lines might be shorter at Honeydew's Laboratory of Fun, so maybe we should start there instead. I just... I just can't wait! Oh, Walter, don't be nervous. Oh, I know. I just can't believe I'm here. The home of the Muppets! What... What happened to this place? Where...? - Where is everyone, Gary? - I don't know, buddy. It's so... OK, well, I guess you guys are it for today. Anyway, welcome to the original Muppet Studio, where dreams can come true. - Is this the Universal Studios? - Yes, it is. OK, now if you'll just follow me, please. OK. This used to be Kermit's office. - Whoa. - Mm-hmm. It's really the highlight of the tour. You should see it sometime. OK, this next building is where they kept the rope and the medium-gauge wire for the productions. Let's go take a look. Come on, buddy. Wow! Oh, boy. Oh. Whoa. There. Now this here is Kermit the Frog's old office. Or so we've been "toad." Well, as you know, gentlemen, I've loved the Muppets since I was a boy. And what better way to honor the Muppets than to make this beautiful studio a Muppet museum. I think I'll call this room the "Kermit the Frog's Old Office Room." - Oh, that is lovely. - Oh, good one, Mr. Richman. Now, this here is the standard "Rich and Famous" contract Kermit signed 30 years ago, that contains... - The deed to this property. - Exactly. Now, this contract is 100 percent ironclad, with one minor exception. If the Muppets can raise the ten million dollars it would cost to buy the building before this contract expires, - then they get their studio back. - You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were reciting some sort of an important plot point. Well, I hope so. Otherwise, I just bored the audience half to death. You mean half the audience is still alive? It's nice doing business with you. - Yes, sir. Come on. - Goodbye. I love geriatric humor. Gentlemen, there's oil under this studio. Yeah, I can smell it. And more importantly, the geological survey says there definitely is. In two weeks, we tear this place to the ground and start drilling. Ah, those Muppets. They think they're so funny. Well, it looks like the joke's about to be on them. Maniacal laugh. Maniacal laugh. Maniacal laugh. Maniacal laugh. Maniacal laugh. - Walter! - Walter? - Walter! - Walter! Yeah, so then, when he thought they were alone, he said, "There's oil under this studio, see. I'm gonna tear it to the ground, see. - Sweet, sweet oil, see!" - People still talk like that? Maybe that's just how he sounded in my head. Either way, we've got to find Kermit! He'll know what to do. How do we find Kermit? Nobody's seen him in years. Stop the car! I've got an idea! Mmm. These are delicious! - Great idea, Walter. - Mm-hmm. We've been doing this for a long time. I think maybe we should call it a night. - Guys! - We can't give up, Gary. But it's getting really late. Maybe we should just go back to the motel. - Guys! - It... - What? - What? - Maybe he lives there. - Oh. That's it. So, what do we do now? I don't see a doorbell, and the house looks empty. - Gary, throw me over. - What? - Gary, just throw me over already! - OK. - OK, here we go. OK... - One, two, three. - That's good. - Sorry. - No, it's good. - Guys? I think that's an electric fence. Mary, it's Kermit the Frog. - OK, buddy, head down. - One, two, three! - It's an electric fence. - Yep. Oh, my gosh. Walter? Walter, buddy? Walter, can you hear me? - Throw me again. - No, I don't... I don't think that's a good idea. - What kind of throw was that? - I think there's somebody coming. Excuse me... You OK? That was quite a tumble. Oh. Look, look. I think... Hey. Hey, Walter? - Walter, you all right, buddy? - Where am I? OK, this is awesome. We're at Kermit's house. - Oh, jeez. Walter. - No, no, no, no, no. You OK? This... This is Kermit's house? Anyhow, how can I help you guys? Let me just say, this is an honor for all of us to meet you, sir, but my brother, Walter, has some really disturbing news for you. - Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. - Not now, 80's Robot. Might I offer you a drink? Tab? - Good grief. - New Coke? Listen. Not right now, 80's Robot, please! Bummer. - Watch out for the... - Gag me with a spoon. - Yeah, head for the door. - Grody to the max. Ow. Ow. I'm really sorry about that... ...Walter. What were you saying? - Yes. Tex Richman, the oil baron, is... - Yes, yes, yes. Oil baron Tex Richman, the wealthy philanthropist. You know, he's about to buy our old Muppet Show theater and turn it into a Muppet museum. Isn't that great? - No! I mean... - What Walter's trying to tell you is that Tex Richman has a secret plan to tear down the theater and drill for oil. - What? - The only way to save the studio is to raise ten million dollars. Ten million dollars? That's impossible. - But... - The only way to raise that kind of money would be to... ...would be to put on a show. And I haven't seen the old gang in a long, long time. I guess people sort of forgot about us. Hm? I didn't do it. I've been framed! Ahh. Wocka wocka! Gonzo the Great will ride this baby again! Muah! This legato tune is posolutely, most transparently bringing me down. - For sure. - One, two, and a half... Well, it sounds like you guys aren't getting back together anytime soon. Mmm... This is going to be a really short movie. But, Kermit, you have to try. I... The Muppets are amazing. You give people the greatest gift that can ever be given. - Children? - No, the other gift. - Ice cream? - No, no. After that. - Laughter? - Yes! The third greatest gift ever! Kermit, your fans never left you, the world hasn't forgotten. All you need to do is show'em again! Hmm. I don't think so, guys. Don't you see, Kermit? It's time to play the music. Please, Kermit. You're my hero. You're on my watch. Well, I... I guess... ...we could try. - We? - Well, yeah, listen. If I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna need some moral support. Well, that's perfect. We're experts at moral support. - Yeah! - Good. I guess if we're gonna go, we better get going. We got a lot of people to find. Oh, great! But wait, how do we find'em? Didn't you see our first movie? We drive. - So where do we go first? - I shall take the liberty of using my modem to locate the Muppets. - OK. - Great. Oh, stop it! In the name of all that's sacred, let it end! R-E-N-O. That spells "Reno." You have reached your destination. My guidance ends here. Well, I guess this is the place. Good evening, folks, and welcome to Pechoolo Casino! Not RVs No marriage certificate is needed Cha-cha-cha! Thank you, thank you. We'll be back in six minutes. Hmm. - Hi-ho, Fozzie. - Hi-ho, Kermit. Kermit? What are you doing here? Well, I... I just want to tell you that was a great show. It was... very informative. I do my best to keep it fresh each night. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, I'm Fozzie, by the way. Oh, I'm sorry. This is Gary and Mary. And this here is Walter. He's a personal friend. - Yeah. - So I said, "What are you looking at?" So I punched him in the face! I mean... - Let's talk in my dressing room. - Sure. - OK. - Here we are. Make yourselves at home. Wow. This is not quite what I expected, - based on your Christmas cards. - Oh, yeah. About that... Oh, but it's nice, and... and airy. Maybe we should give them some space. I know, but I wanna hear what they're gonna say. OK. Sixty-four shows nightly can get pretty grueling. Fozzie, an evil oil baron wants to tear down our old Muppet studio. What? Oh, no! I mean, that's a shame. Step out of the vehicle! Hey, Fozzie... I'm sorry I haven't been in touch more. It's fine, Kermit. Look at me! Living the dream! Uh-oh. Oh, no! Not this again! - Quick, save the cushions! - The cushions? I'm sorry, Fozzie. If I'd known you were here in this place... That's all right, Kermit. It's not your fault. - We had a good run. - Yeah. Yeah, it's just that... Well, we haven't seen each other in a really long time, and I... I just thought maybe we could raise the money to buy the theater back if we all got together and put on one last show. A show? But I've spent years building a solo career. I have a whole new show-biz family that loves me. Fozzie! What the heck are you doing, hibernating? Next show starts in 30 seconds. We hired you, and we can fire you, so get your butt in here now! - They terrify me. Let's go. - Let's go. - Watch out for the forklift, Fozzie. - Oh, thanks. Wow! Gonzo's doing really well! According to 80's Robot, he's the richest plumbing magnate in the Rust Belt. You! Order 28,000 tons of plumber's putty from Beijing. - Right away, sir. - And, you, send the 28,000 tons of Silly Putty back to Beijing. - You bet. - Oh, and you? A memo to the waterless toilet department. I don't care about the mess, just keep trying. - Hi, Gonzo. - Kermit? Fozzie? This is a surprise. - We need to speak to you. - All right. Have a seat. Ah. Thank you! - I think I'll stand. - No, really, you should try one! Comfy. It's our executive line of used toilets. Anyway, I'm very busy. I've got 30 seconds. Go. Uh... Gonzo, I'm not quite sure how to say this, but... Don't forget to mention the evil oil baron. Yes, Fozzie, I was about to. Just give me a moment, OK? Gonzo, it would appear... Remember, evil oil baron. Fozzie, I'm going to get to that. Please! - As I was trying to say... - Evil oil baron. OK, time's up. Thank you, guys. Gonzo, we're trying to get the old gang back together again. - We really need you. - My answer is no. Good day! Come on, guys. We should go. I just want to say, when I was a kid, I saw you recite Hamlet while jumping your motorbike through a flaming hoop, and... ...it made me feel like I could do anything. Thank you. Yeah. - Good try, Walter. - Hey, guys, up here! - Ya-haa! - Huh? I've been wearing this under my suit every single day for years! Look out below! Whoa, where you going? You threw me off-balance! I can't see! Apollo 13! Citizens of Earth, the Great Gonzo is back. I pledge never to hold a plunger again! Run! Run! Run for your lives! Run, run, run! - Run, guys! - Run! Oh, my gosh, run everybody! It's gonna be big! It's gonna be a big one! Wow! That was an expensive looking explosion! I can't believe we had that in the budget. So maybe if you look inside yourself, the person you should be most angry at is you. Is you. How have you been feeling? Any more control issues? In control. - Good. - Psst. Animal! - Excellent. - It's me, Kermit. Hey, we're having a meeting here, man. You're being really rude, frog! Pardon us, please. Animal, I need to talk to you for a second. We're getting the Muppets back together. We need you to drum again. - Animal drum? - Yes! - Please, sir. - Drum! Drum, drum! - Drum, drum, drum! - OK, OK. - In control. - Good. I'm Animal's court-appointed sponsor. We don't use the "d-r-u-m" word. - It's his trigger word. - His trigger word? Excuse me, Mr. Black. I'm so sorry to interrupt, but it's very important to these guys that they get their drummer... Gary! It's my trigger word, too. Jack, we talked about this on Tuesday. Tuesday's another one of my trigger words! Oh, I don't think so! Sorry. - Let's go, Animal. - Bye-bye! - Animal, heel. - Go, Animal! Be free, man! But remember! No drumming! Mr. Kermit, may I suggest we save time and pick up the rest of the Muppets using a montage? Great idea, 80's Robot. We greatly appreciate your financial support. Eighty-seven point three miles to go. Eighty-seven point two... ...the secrets of the universe... I guess we're in. Welcome to this week's edition of "Everything Stinks." Whoa! Bye, Lisa. Off to the TED Conference. Three, two, one. Think we should've rented a bigger car? Hey, wait for me! I wanna help save the studio! I wanna go with you! Oh, not again. Wow. I can't believe we're all back together. Even all you guys who weren't in the montage! Yeah, how come you didn't use me in the montage? I thought my story was pretty interesting. Rowlf? Wanna get back together? - OK. - Good. Classic. Anyhow, looks like we got everybody, so we can plan our telethon and raise that ten million dollars. - Well, not everybody. - No, I think everybody's here. - Where's...? - All good! - Miss... - All done here! Piggy? Kermit, we're going to get Miss Piggy, right? OK, OK, OK, you're right. We'll go get Piggy! My Minitel tells me she is in Paris, France. Oh! Well, then we drive to France. - You can't drive to France, Walter. - Yeah. It's way too far. Then maybe we should travel by map! - Good idea, Fozzie. - Yeah! To Paris! Paris! Paris! Look at these ceilings! Yeah. They must be very tall here. Yeah, very nice. Uh... Hi there. Excuse me. Miss? Pardon me, ma'am? Hi there! We're here to see Miss Piggy, and it's urgent. Urgent! Urgent! - Is it urgent? - Very. Yes. Let's have a look then, shall we? She has an opening in... - ...early September. - Early September? That's like six months from now! That's nothing. Once I waited a whole year for September. She is the plus-size editor. She's a huge deal and extremely busy. You can't just pop in without an appointment. - OK, then. - Thank you. - All right. - Mean lady. - Close the door on your way out. - Thanks a lot. - She wasn't very nice. - Yeah. Guys! Muppet Man! - Yeah! - That could work! Hello. I have an appointment. Oh, OK. Um... Will you wait here a moment? Decisions, decisions. Eeny, meeny, miny, mo. I choose you. Mademoiselle Cochonnet? - Can't you see I'm busy? - Of course. There's a... man here to see you. He does have an appointment. An appointment? That's weird. Well, why didn't you say so? Send him in! Right away. Sorry. - Ahahaha. - Remember, left foot, right foot. Hello. Whoa. - What the...? - Sorry. That looked expensive. - You look familiar. - So do you! Please, have a seat. Yes, we're going to have a seat now. - No, no, no, don't sit down! - Oh, sorry! Whoa! Uh-oh. Message to head. Left leg in trouble! Going down. Left leg going down! What? Ohh! I can't believe I fell for Muppet Man. - You guys OK? - Is anyone hurt? Kermit? - Hello, Piggy. - Kermie! Oh, Kermie, Kermie, Kermie, Kermie, Kermie, Kermie, Kermie, Kermie, Kermie! Mm, mm, mm. Kissy-kissy. Mm, mm, mm! Wait! What am I doing? I promised myself I'd never go back! I am woman! I am strong! You must leave at once! - OK. - No, no, wait, wait! Miss Piggy! The Muppet Studios are in danger. In danger? Our studios? Kermit! It's true, Piggy. And we need to do The Muppet Show again. We need you. Oh. Before I decide anything, I need to talk with you, frog. Alone. Piggy? Last time we were together, I said some things I regret. No. No, Kermit. You were just being honest. You never intended to marry me. Not even after I built us a house where we could raise tadpoles and grow old together. Well, who do you think's been looking after that house all these years, huh? Piggy, why do you have to always be so overdramatic about things? You know, it leaves me no choice but to do things that hurt you. I am who I am. Why can't you accept that about me? Look, this is not about you and me. It's never about you and me, is it? It's always we. We this, we that. "We" need you. You can't even say, "I need you," can you? Piggy... I'm sorry, Kermit, but I have a life here. A life I've made for myself. Piggy! Just remember, Kermit, I cannot be replaced. Kermit? What happened? Where's Miss Piggy? She's not coming, Fozzie. But, Kermit, we always worked together. We can't do this without Miss Piggy. No one will give us a show without her. We'll be fine, Fozzie. We'll be fine. We just... We'll just have to come up with something else. Kermie. OK, I've got an idea. We need a pig that can sing. But, Kermit, who could possibly replace Miss Piggy? Hey, what's everybody so quiet about, huh? - Well, she's sorta like Miss Piggy. - Come on, everybody. Let's go pitch our telethon and get the Muppets back on TV, OK? - No. - No. Oh, my goodness! Oh, that's wonderful! That means no. - Come on, guys. - Awkward. Listen, Kermit, I like you. I remember you guys from when I was a kid. So I'm gonna shoot straight. You guys aren't famous anymore. I wish she'd shot a little more curvy. Take a look at this diagram the research department drew up. This circle represents everything that's currently popular. And this tiny speck is you guys. So the answer's no. It's not gonna happen. Take a look at the shows that are popular now. Punch Teacher. - Oh! I love that show. - It's time to punch teacher! - Finish him! - It's my favorite. I just thought I could make a difference. I'm sorry, but in this market, you guys are no longer relevant. Have a good day. Before I go, I'd just like to say something. I think kids are smarter and better than all this junk, and if you... Veronica, bad news. Punch Teacher has stopped production. It's being sued by the Teachers Society of America. - What's their problem? - No idea. I just found out. What are we supposed to do with that 120-minute black hole in the schedule coming up in two days? OK, Muppets. You've got yourselves a show. - All right! - Oh, yes! Thank you so much. You will not be sorry, I promise, I promise! OK, enough! One, no more going nuts in my office. These are new carpets. - Yes, ma'am. - And two, you need a celebrity host. OK. Whatever, whatever. Come on, guys, let's go. Yeah! - Let me wipe that. - You've missed a spot. - I don't see it. - Just a little lower! - Oh, I am so sorry. Did I get you... - Yes. Well, gentlemen. It appears we have some competition on the Muppet property. The Economist says they've gotten back together again. - The Muppets got back together? - Remember? Gentlemen, please! No singing in my office! - Yes, sir. - But, of course, it was all his fault. - Mostly his fault. - No matter. Point is, that studio and that oil belong to me. Yeah, those Muppets are gonna be running home with their tails between their legs. Some of'em literally. Because those ones have tails. Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh. That's a maniacal laugh moment. OK, this is it. 80's Robot, let's park around back. It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Bob Hope! Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of... And now, Pigs in Space! Gary. Can you believe it? - The Muppet theater. - Yeah. - Welcome back, everyone. - Thanks. Well, I know the old place is not quite at its best right now. Yeah! Who cancelled the maid service? But don't worry. We'll be fine. Kermit, there's no way we can rehearse with the place like this. Wait. Kermit, don't say another word. Mary, Walter and I, well, we would be happy to help you rebuild the theater. Honestly, it would be an honor for all three of us. - So would. - OK. Well, let's clean this place up! Yeah! - This is boring. - But don't you guys remember? You're the Muppets! You do this to music! Well, all right! - Hey, Animal! - Yeah? Look what I found! - Beauregard! - Scooter! Good to see you! Where's everybody been? Celebrity... celebrity! Hello! Yes. Could I speak with President Carter, please? He moved? Well, you don't happen to have a number where I could reach... Hello? Walter, I thought we were gonna clean the balcony. - Doing a great job, pal. - You're doing a great job. - Wocka wocka. - Hey, guys! Look at these old photos I just found. Oooh. Can you believe that 80's haircut I used to have? I looked totally ridiculous! Yes, it's Kermit. The frog. Could you come to our celebrity telethon this weekend? Sure. Sure, I understand. - Hey, shut the door! - What is that? Say hello to the little friend. There goes dinner. Wow! Great job, everybody! Oh, hey, Kermit. Listen, have a great night, and I just want you to know, Walter and I are really good sewers, so we'll have those costumes ready for you in no time. - Good. You two have a great night. - OK. Thank you! - Bye. - Kermit? Gary, I was kind of hoping that we could go to the beach tomorrow - or see the Hollywood Sign. - We'll have plenty of time to do that stuff. It's just, right now, I don't wanna leave Walter. You know, he needs me. I don't know, sweetheart, he seems pretty happy. - Like that. - Oh, OK. Now you. Yeah, that's it! Yeah, yeah, good job! Well, just one more day, OK? And then I'm all yours. Tell you what. Why don't you get a head start on sightseeing tomorrow, and then I'll be waiting for you when you get back. OK. Just... don't forget about me. Never. Well, we're still on for dinner Friday, right? Yeah, of course. - Oh, Walter! - Oh, yes, Kermit. Hey, listen, Walter, I just wanna tell you that none of this would have happened without you, so thank you. - Oh, well... - And welcome aboard. Night, everybody. Just sleep anywhere you can find a spot. "Welcome aboard"? Hey, Kermit. You awake? - Yep. - What's the weather - supposed to be like tonight? - I don't know. Why? I just don't want it to rain through the hole in the ceiling. Stars sure are pretty, though. We're gonna be OK, right? We haven't done this in a long time, and I really don't wanna go back to Reno. Don't worry, Fozzie. We'll be fine. Look how we cleaned this place up today, you know? Same old team, all pulling together. I guess you're right. Night-night, Kermit. Good night, Fozzie. OK, gather round, troops! Everybody, time to get this rehearsal going. - Scooter, is everybody here? - Almost everyone, chief. - Yeah... - Hey, anybody got any kerosene? I wanna take these old pig dresses out back and burn'em. Hold it right there, sausage snout! - Piggy? - Huh? Well, look what the cat dragged in. Come on. Keep it up, Maurice. Sorry, Miss Piggy, but you've been replaced... permanently. - Oh, yeah? - Yeah! I don't think so... sister? Who you calling sister, sister? - Oh, look, an omelet station! - Oh, where? Hiya! There's only one Miss Piggy, and she is moi. Yeah, well, you ain't seen the last of me! I'll be back! Yeah, yeah. Heard of mouthwash? Welcome back, Miss Piggy. All right, all right, don't crowd me! Wow, she sure hasn't changed. Piggy? You came back. I'm not here for you, Kermit. I'm here for them. And, besides, when this show's done, I'm catching the next plane back to my life in Paris. OK, Piggy, OK. Places for the opening number, everybody! Oh, good morning, Veronica. - Morning, Frog. - OK, everybody, take it from the top. Oooh! - You missed your cue. - I know! There's kind of a rhythm to this, you know? Uh... Oh, and if you like that one, what's the bear capital of the world? Mos-cow! Ha. Hey guys, stop. Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. What's the problem? We can't keep time without the drums, man! We need drums! - Sorry, Animal. - No drums! No drums! - Jack Black said no drums! - Animal, heel! Sit! - Who's next? Oh. - In control. - Hey, Walter? - Oh. Yes, Kermit? You think you might wanna help us out here? Maybe do something in the show? Kermit, you know, you've been so nice to me, but I have to face the facts. See, the Muppets are so talented... Hey, guys, check it out! Fart shoes! - Patent pending! - And... ...I don't have any talent at all. The truth is... I can't perform with you guys. I feel like a phony just being here. Walter, just because you haven't found your talent yet, doesn't mean you don't have one. If you look inside yourself, I'm sure you'll find something that you're really good at. OK, Kermit. I'll try. Take my picture! Welcome. How many in your party? Two? Uh... No, just the one. All right, party of one, follow me. A party just for moi It's a solo Mardi Gras I saved the last dance for me Excuse me, miss, are you expecting anyone else? Oh... no. No, it's just me. Party of one. Order up! - OK, cue 17 is Fozzie's intro. - Hey, Scooter? What's left? Oh, uh, it's you, chief! - Hm? - Your duet. With Piggy. - Miss Piggy? - Hm? We're all out front practicing our acts and seems that everybody expects you and I to do a duet, so... Oh, that's so lovely, but I'm afraid I can't. No, no, you see, I'm already doing a duet with my new dance partner. Hola. OK, come on, rehearsing, let's go. We gotta break it up. - Excuse us. - 'Scuse us. Let's try that lift again, shall we? The lift again. OK, on my count this time, OK? In three, two... Wait for me! Good grief. Kermit! There you are. I've been looking for you everywhere! So nice to see you, Veronica. Who's hosting? Did you find a celebrity? Yeah, well, I've wanted to talk to you about that, you see, because... Well, actually, I'm kind of a celebrity. You? No. Kermit, listen. I will not air the show unless you find a real celebrity host. I will rerun Benson if I have to. Yeah, you see, the thing is, Veronica, that's kind of impossible because the show's in 12 hours! Twelve hours! I might as well just go and ask Tex Richman to give us the studio back! And the Muppets are like a big family. Well... And for us, that theater is... is like our home. Which is why, in conclusion... ...we humbly ask that you give us back our studio. It would certainly mean a lot to us. Hmmm. Well, Mr. The Frog, let me see. Correct! The answer is no. Well, you could've just said that. - Contract. - Contract. Contract. - Nicely done, sir. - You see, Muppets, according to this contract, it's not just this studio you lose the rights to tonight, - it's the Muppet name itself. - What? And all characters under the Muppet name. Wait a second. What possible use could you have for our names? Told ya I'd be back. Well, now I am... ...back. And I see you've met Mr. Richman, our new business partner. The Moopets are a hard, cynical act for a hard, cynical world. Hey, Fozzie! I want you to meet a friend of mine. - Wocka wocka. - You're relics, Muppets! The world has moved on, and no one cares about your goody-goody, hippy-dippy, Julie Andrews and Dom DeLuise hostin', singin'-and-dancin' act anymore! You're dead! And I just come to bury you. Now, get out of my office. - What? - What is that supposed to mean? You said you were gonna talk to the man! Guys! OK, so maybe Kermit signed away the theater and the Muppet name, but as long as we have a celebrity host, we can still pull off a heart-warming, last-minute triumph, right, Kermit? Well, actually I don't see how we can, Fozzie. - Huh? - What? Guys, the show's in six hours, and we're barely rehearsed, and, well, I... I couldn't get us a celebrity host. - Oh, no! - What? I'm afraid Tex Richman's right. The world's moved on. I'm sorry I dragged you guys into this mess. Kermit? All right, listen up, you freaks! I didn't come 5,000 miles to not be on TV. All we need is one stinkin' celebrity, and by any means necessary. Now, the frog's gone. We're doing things my way from now on. Let's move! - Hey! - Hi. - How was your day? - Oh, it was great. I went to Guinness Book of World Records... alone. Then Ripley's Believe It or Not... solo. And then I ate lunch unaccompanied, and then I walked back here... independently. Listen, I got you these. You know, to make up for the other ones. The broken ones. Thanks, sweetie. Listen, Gary. I was just wondering what the plan was for dinner tonight. Oh, I don't care. What do you feel like? OK. That's fine. That's just fine. That's... that's perfect. I'm going to go for a walk. Individually. - Walter, hey. - Gary. Oh, where have you been? I need you to help me figure out a talent. A talent for what? For the show. Kermit asked me to do an act in the show. I... I could be a Muppet. Wow. Wow, Walter, that's amazing. Yeah, but I need to figure out if I have a talent. Well, you know what? I'm sure you'll think of something, but right now I actually... I need your help. I'm starting to get the feeling that Mary's upset with me about something, and I don't know what, and I was hoping maybe you would talk to her for me. Gary, I'd love to help you out, but I can't leave the theater now. This is important. Well, hold on a second. I mean, my life is important, too. Yeah, but the whole reason we came here was to see the Muppets. No, it wasn't! The whole reason we came here was to take a vacation where I took Mary out to a fancy dinner because it's our tenth anniversary, and then... - Walter, what day is today? - Friday. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. This is bad. Walter, this is really bad. I have to... - Mary? Mary! - Wait. Gary, I need you. OK, is everybody ready? Commence Operation Celebri-nap. Masks on! - Masks on! - Except for moi. Nothing covers this beautiful face. - No maskin'? - No maskin'. Check the door on Stage 28. - I'm going over there now. - She's done in makeup... I told you, I'm not done putting on my balls! Oh, hey, Animal. What are you doin' here? Acting. Natural. Now! Whoa! Hiya! Hiya! Mary, surprise! I figured out why you're mad... at me. Gary, I've gone home. I love you, but you need to decide, are you a man or a Muppet? Am I a Muppet? Am I a Muppet? Or am I a man? Am I a Muppet? Or am I a man? I'm a very manly Muppet I'm so sorry. - Oh, Gary. - Mary. Kermit. We have our celebrity! Mr. Jack Black has graciously agreed to do the telethon! Oh, my gosh, that's amazing. Where is he? - In the trunk. - Get me outta here! You kidnapped Jack Black? That's illegal! But, Kermit, what's more illegal, briefly inconveniencing Jack Black, - or destroying the Muppets? - Kidnapping Jack Black, Fozzie! Kermit, listen. Whatever I may think of you right now, these guys are counting on you. You inspire them. - What, to kidnap people? - To work together. - To kidnap people? - Mr. The Frog, we all agreed a celebrity is not a people. And now that we have a celebrity, the show's back on. Come on, Kermit. Don't let these guys down now. All right. Well, what are you guys still doing here, huh? - It's showtime! - All right! That's it! - Nicely done, sir. As usual. - En garde. Ow! Ow. OK, very nice. Halt! Point left! Well done, sir. Thank you. Thank you so much. And coming up next on CDE, The Muppet Telethon. Kermit and friends host a celebrity-studded gala, - with special guest, Jack Black. - Oh! He's pretty good. - We're going to phase two. - Yes, Mr. Richman. So do you think we're working for the bad guy? Hurry! The show starts in ten minutes! Where did you learn to drive? Hang on, everyone! Come on, guys. OK, listen up, everybody! This is it! Five minutes to curtain! - Kermit? - Get ready for the opening number. - Yes? - I need to talk to you about my act. Listen, Walter, I know you're gonna be fine. In fact, I'm sure you'll be great. Scooter, who's up first? - Come on, come on, come on! - No... Fly in the arches! - OK, first we have the opening theme. - Of course. Yeah. - You come out and introduce Fozzie. - Right. Then we have... TV executive at six o'clock! - What? - The show is a disaster, Frog! - Veronica... - Where's the audience? I knew you guys weren't popular anymore. I should have trusted that chart. There's no one here! - What about Hobo Joe? - Who? Why does everybody forget about Hobo Joe? - Just a second. Scooter! - Yeah, chief? - Did you hand out all those flyers? - Of course. Every last one! Don't worry. We'll think of something! You better. Yoo-hoo! You've got audience. It's me! What am I, invisible? Jack Black. Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Black. - Hi! - Ah! Where am I? Why am I so fancy? What are you doing? You're ruining my look! - We'll see you out there! Good luck! - Stop cleaning me! - You sure got nice teeth, Jack Black. - Yeah. We're here! - Start the show! - Ready for some kind of entertainment! All right, good luck, everyone, and cue Scooter. OK, we go live in three, two... Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host, Kermit the Frog. It's The Muppet Telethon, with our very special guest, Mr. Jack Black! Yay! I always dreamed we'd be back here. Dreams? Those were nightmares! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Muppet Telethon! We have Muppets standing by to take your calls. - Yes, we are. - Hi. Hello. Could I have a large pizza with ham and...? Yes, and, boy, do we have a wonderful show for you, with our special guest, Mr. Jack Black! I'm being held captive by these weirdos! Now you know how we've felt for the past 40 years! Somebody, anybody, please call the police. This is real rope! - Man, this 3-D is incredible! - This is real! Oh, and by the way, folks, we have plenty of room here in the audience, so if you'd like to come down and see the show live... There's no audience in the theater. Look, it's totally empty. Poor Walter. Maybe we should go back. No way, Mary. I've made my choice already. I just sang a whole song about it. I wanna stay here with you. So thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for the Great Gonzo's most amazing feat ever. - Head bowling. - What? No! I have not signed off on this! Drumroll, please. And a one and a two and a three! Uh-oh. Uh... My fingers got stuck. All part of the act, folks. Stay tuned. Please, make this end! Please! This is great. Call'em. Hello? You wanna give us some money?! Uhhh... - Say yes! - Yes! We will take that money! Hey, guys, we got us some money! Oh, yeah, tickets. Here we are. Tickets. Thank you. Five dollars to show you your seat. It's up there somewhere. - Help! - OK, thank you, Gonzo. Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, we will see what happens with head bowling a little later in the show. Up next is our furry funny man, Mr. Fozzie Bear! Yay! Thank you, thank you, and thank you. Boy, did I go to a bad seafood place last night. The catch of the day was salmonella. Wocka wocka! - OK. - Ah! That joke's like 50 years old! So how'bout those shopping centers? You seen one, you seen a mall! Take it. Make it stop! - Wocka wocka wocka wocka! - Make it stop! No! - We're not a team! I'm not with him! - What is happening? People are actually watching this? Deadly! Bring the car! What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? Walter? Sixty seconds till you're on, Walter. You ready? No. Yes, yes, yes... Whoopi Goldberg? Selena Gomez? And... hi there. Yeah, look, somebody said there might be a career opportunity here, - something about saving a theater. - Yes, yes, of course. I don't really know who you guys are. My agent just told me to show up. - That's great. - Are you one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Yes, I am, and let me show you how you can help. And don't worry. It's just your one shot to go on live TV before millions of people to prove you have what it takes to become one of the Muppets. Good luck. Up next, folks, I am proud to present a brand-new act to the show. Introducing Walter. That's not good. It appears that Walter has stepped out, so it's... Well, it's back to the days of yore down at the old barbershop. Oh, no! It's a barbershop quartet! Get me out of here! Wait a minute. What are you doing? Is that Nirvana? Stop it! No! You're ruining one of the greatest songs of all time! Ow! Careful around the ears! Ah! That was hot! Hey! What's going on here? Why is my body so big? What'd you do to my voice? I sound like a chipmunk! Wait a second. Did you guys shrink my head? Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Black! Nice work, everybody. Chickens, you're up next! It's going rather nicely. We might just make this. And now I am pleased and proud to present those princesses of poultry, Camilla and friends! Let's hear it for Camilla and her farmyard friends! No, I... I don't know why I'm not hosting this. So remember, folks, keep on calling and you'll help us reach our goal of ten million dollars by midnight. And if... Oh, dear. Ladies and gentlemen, don't be alarmed. We will get this sorted out just as soon as we can. Scooter! Well, that's that. Nice try, Muppets! Kermit, how are we going to raise the rest of the money with no electricity? All right, calm down, everybody. - Is everybody OK? - Yeah. Well, we can't do the show without power. - Anybody got any bright ideas? - Not now, Fozzie. Ten-gauge gator grip. I love it when you talk shop. Oh! Mee mee mee mee What? How'd they get the power back? We're gonna have to get up on that roof and shut'em down for good! Bolt cutters! Bolt cutters. Deadly! You come with me. That's it. Hm. To the end of the Muppets! Deadly! What are you doing? Enough! Just because I have a terrifying name and an evil English accent, does not preclude the fact that, in my heart, I am a Muppet, not a Moopet! Looks like it's I who will have the last laugh! - What does that mean? - It's an idiom, you idiot, because you cannot laugh! Ha ha! Oopsie. Deadly. Now that's a maniacal laugh for you! Hey, Gary, Mary, how'd you guys get here so fast? We travelled by map. We thought it'd be quicker. Hey, I'm sorry I bailed. I just... I realized you don't let the most important person in your world slip away. - Hey, Scooter? - Yeah? Could you do me a favor and take over hosting duty? But, chief, I don't go onstage. Well, just do what I do. Pretend that the audience is naked. Yeah, but, I... Ha... ha... ha... Uh, Miss Piggy? You are all naked. Well, sorta. OK. Great! And now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, a real hero... You saved it? After all this time? Oh, Kermie. I guess I'm not that good at saying this kind of stuff. - Yes, Kermie? - Well... ...over the last week, I realized that... ...I... I miss you. And I need you. And maybe you don't need the, the whole world to love you. Maybe you just need one person. It's time for our song, and if we don't raise the money tonight, it might be the last time we sing together. And... Well, are you ready? Oh, Kermie. Hey, these are yours, man. I kept'em for ya. - Drum. - No drum. - Drum! - No drum! - Drum! Drum! - No drum! No drum! You know what to do. Aaah! Drum! Drum, drum! Drum! Ah ha ha ha ha. You still got it, man! Piggy? Will you stay... for me? - For you, Kermie? - Yeah. Of course! Woo hoo! Thank you, everybody. Thank you, all. Ladies and gentlemen, it's almost midnight and we haven't quite reached our target yet, but if you'll all just stick around, we'll be right back with our final act. The Muppet Telethon will return after these messages. Walter? Walter, where are you, buddy? Listen, everybody, the show ran short, and we don't have anything else planned. We need one last act to bring us home. I'm gonna go check on Jack Black and see if he has any ideas. You guys see if you can come up with something. We have two minutes! Two minutes! - Think, think, think! - What am I thinking? Walter. Walt! - Walter! - Gary? - Wha... You came back. - Walter. What are you doing down here? They just need one more act. You gotta get out there and help those guys. I can't. What if people laugh at me? I... I'd rather go back home to Smalltown. With you. Look, Walter, you're my brother, and I'm always gonna love you, but you belong here, with these guys. Hey, you're the one who got Kermit to do this. You're the one who brought everyone here together. You always believe in other people, but that's easy. Sooner or later, you gotta believe in yourself, too, because that's what growing up is. It's becoming who you want to be. You have to try. Please, Walter. You're my hero. OK, Jack Black's got nothing. What did you guys come up with? - Bunsen can set Beaker on fire. - No, no, no, we can't do that. - I could break out the fart shoes. - No, no, no, that will never work! We're back in three, two... Oh, no! It's Walter. Thank you. - He's all grown up. - Oh, that was wonderful! Ladies and gentlemen, Walter! It looks like we're going to get our studio back! the Muppets are about to take back their studio. Help! I've been mugged. Alerting authorities. - We're sorry... - What happened? Hello? - Hello? - Guys, my phone is dead. My phone is also dead. Repeat, my phone is also dead. Ooh... I did it. I beat you. Game over, Kermit. You lost. Chicky! Too late, Muppets. I won! Turn that thing off! The show is over! But we were so close! Or not. It kinda makes me feel better, honestly. I mean, we were nowhere close at all. You artists formerly known as the Muppets are standing on private property. My private property. And I'm telling you to leave. Now! He's right, everybody. He won. We gotta go. Not now, Fozzie. - I can't believe this. - I know. Well, that's that. This isn't right. It can't end like this. But what can we do? Listen, everybody, we've got nothing to be ashamed of. And you know why? Well, because thanks to Walter here, we tried. And if we failed, we failed together, and to me, that's not failing at all. And I don't care what anybody says. And I don't care if no one believes in us, because I believe. - I believe in you. - Huh? - And you. - Me? And you. You know, what's important isn't this building or a name. It's each other. So I say, fine, let's just start at the bottom and work our way back up to the top. - Yeah. - Let's all walk out through these doors with our heads held high. As a family. - Because that's what we are. - Yeah. Yeah. Muppets, Muppets, Muppets! Wow. Muppets, Muppets, Muppets! All right. - Wow. - Wow. Hey, where's Walter? See? Your fans, they love you guys! Hey, Walter. Aren't you gonna join us? - Yeah! Come on! - Come on, Walter! - Come on, Walter! - Yes. Come! What're you waiting for, buddy? Get over there. Yeah, go ahead. Muppets! Muppets! Muppets! Muppets! Muppets! Hm? Oh. How charming. A finale. We're happier when you don't sing. Well, all of you. Yeah! Hey, remember me? I'm Jack Black! No, what are you doing? Whoa, whoa. No, no, no. Put me back down. - All hail the Hobo King. - What are you doing? This is insane. When there's someone Life's a happy song Someone I just have one question I need to ask you. Will you, Mary... marry me? Do do do-do-do Do do-do-do I own that name. Hey, guys, I think I've finally worked out how to... "Oil" bet that hurt. "Richman gives back Muppet theater and name. Change of heart. Nothing to do with head injury." Do do do-do-do Do do-do-do - Yeah, for reallies! - Yeah, you owe us money, man. What the wocka? Thank you. Do do do-do-do Do do-do-do "Miss Piggy promises to stay out of the limelight. Kermit says,'We need some time alone."' - Oh, Kermie, I'm so happy. - What are you talking about? Let's share our happiness with ten of the world's largest news publications. - How's the quiet life, Kermit? - Piggy, froggy! - How are you enjoying your time alone? - Piggy! Do do do-do-do Do do-do-do Do do do-do-do