Sister Theresa

Cory? Cory! Eight seconds, Mom. Open the door. My bags are tearing here. All right, four seconds. Gee, thanks for your help. What are you doing? I'm nuking my socks. It's this new idea I have, 'cause I like putting on warm clothes. I was gonna start with my underwear, but I was a little nervous. Could you, uh, help me out here, please? Yeah, sure. All right. I got the celery. I got the peanut butter. - What are you doing? - I'm dipping. No, you don't do that. That's a new jar. Oh, well, the old jar had celery in it. You were such an adorable child. I have pictures. How did you get like this? Get like what? What? So, my Mom says, "Why don't you try being polite for just one day, and see if people don't notice?" Hey, for what it's worth, Cor, I think you're polite. Then again, polite in my family means wearing a tie for your arraignment. I appreciate your quick response with the fire extinguisher, Mr. Mendoza, but in the future, please, wait for a fire. Oh, bless you, Mr. Feeny. Oh, thank you. Mr. Matthews, that's surprisingly considerate. Good. Tell my mother. Oh, now watch as I shift into turbo polite. - Eric, allow me. - OK. Is there anything else I can do for you? No, I'll take it from here. Thanks. All right. Tell Mom I offered. - Aah! - Hey! Oh, sorry. You OK? I don't know. Whoa, twice in a row! - You're a very polite fella. - Thank you. And your smile, it's kinda engaging. Yeah, I use the toothpaste with swirls. Humorous, too. You got posibilities. Turn around. Let me look at you. Well, I don't usually go for Velcro-heads, but on you, I don't know. It's workin' for me. - You got a name? - Uh, Cory. I'm Theresa. My friends call me T. K. Oh, nice to Oh, gosh, I knew this was going too well. Chill. It's a pen! Keep in touch. - All right, Cor! - That girl she wrote seven numbers on my hand. - What could that possibly mean? - It means call her. Shawn, how can I call her when I don't even have her Oh! You know, last night, T. K. and I talked on the phone for, like, two hours! It beats my previous time with a girl by, like two hours! She even asked me out to the movies this Friday night. She asked you out? Yep. And I just might let her take me. All right, homeroom, announcements. Uh, stay awake. "Item one: Chess squad. All students interested in trying out for the fast-paced world of" Yeah. Um, let's see, jumping to relevant stuff "Item 11: Due to a freezer mishap, fish kebabs will not be served in the cafeteria today as scheduled. " Thank you, thank you. I don't want to know. Uh, "Item 15" - Hey. - Hey back. Ah, there he is. There's my guy. It's funny, I got this thing here called homeroom Yeah, this note covers it. T. K. , what are you doing in my homeroom? Our homeroom now, sweetie. OK, Theresa, welcome aboard. Pick yourself a desk. Mr. Turner, is it OK to sit two to a desk? I'm thinking, no. For a five-spot? Welcome home, Cory. Your wreath is here. Wow, look at that. Yes. That alone would have been excessive but wait, there's more! Your very own life-sized candy clown! Whoa. Can I play with him? Sure, and then you can eat him! Why can't life always be like this? - And now it's time to tell your parents - who's T. K. ? She's this girl who kind of likes me. - No kidding. - And I have you to thank, Mom. Wait, how are you pawning this off on me? Well, you told me to be polite and considerate of others. So yesterday, a girl dropped her book, I picked it up, and boom, I'm in a relationship. I'm in one, too with this guy. - Tony, you're back. - More stuff for the kid, Alan. Sign here, right under your other three signatures. Believe me, I know the routine. "With love, T. K. " Cory, what's with this girl? She's very sentimental. You know, flowers, candy Sirloin steaks? Nothing says "I love you" like a beautiful piece of meat. Tony, please! Cory, this girl's trying to buy your affections. - So let her. - Do you mind? Alan, you should know me well enough to know when I'm kidding. Cory, I think this girl's comin' on a little too strong, a little too fast, and Man, these'll barbeque great! - Alan! - What do you mean, too fast? Cory, I think this is something we need to sit down and discuss. She's right. Listen to your mother. I'll go fix us a nice piece of steak. I'll find the way. They sent a wreath? I specifically told them roses. Time's up. He'll call you back. Look, T. K., it's really all right. I mean, I got the steaks and the candy clown. The fuzzy yarn head made me think of you. You know, you really don't have to keep sending me these things. 'Course I do. You're my guy. Makes me feel ladylike. Put Tony on! Tony, wreaths ain't roses. Do I gotta come down there myself and straighten you out? What are you - Oh, it's you. - It's always me. Listen, I'm so I'm so very, very sorry. You like that, Frankie? I bump into this guy, and he apologizes. That's polite. Isn't that polite? Wait a minute. You're saying you bumped into me? That's how I saw it. His fault entirely. I only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Yeah, but what about your shirt? Oh, that's no big deal. There's plenty more like it. Hey, you, shirt Come on. Come on. Hey! Some things I deliver myself. I'll get my coat. You'll walk me home. Hey, Cory. How you doin', man? - Cory? - That's you name, ain't it? Yeah, but usually as you're shoving me out of the way you call me "baboon. " That was then. This is not then. Have a nice day Cory. You, too Harley. Man, this politeness thing's really catching on. Ah, Mr. Matthews, just the man I wanted to see. Perhaps you could tell me the meaning of this masterpiece? "T. K. loves C. M. " Now, what could that possibly stand for? Well, I think someone named T. K. apparently loves, um corn muffins? Would you like to take another shot at that, Mr. Matthews? No, sir. That was the best I could do. See you in detention? Yes, seems unavoidable. - Very subtle. - Shawn, she's obsessive. She's crazy! What's gonna happen to me? Just relax, Cor. Tell her to slow down. Your date with her tonight cancel it. So, you like my artwork, fuzzy? I'm having a matching one tattooed right over my heart Uh, no, no. Please. - Look, about our date tonight - Oh, it's all set. I got the movie tickets, made the dinner reservations It's under the name "fuzzy. " - Um, tonight's not good. - OK. Tomorrow night. Look. Theresa, I think you're a really, really nice person You're gonna bail on me? No. I just need some time. Oh, I understand. I understand that no matter how much you give to some people, they're still gonna turn around and stab you in the back. You know, I thought you were different, but you're just like every other guy I've ever met. I'll see ya. Shawn, she was really upset. Maybe I should go apologize. No, no. This politeness thing is pulling you down, man. Till the whole thing blows over, go rude. Listen, I'm-I'm sorry. I was teachin' while you were talkin'. - My mistake. - No problem. Guys, while you're here in my class, whatever personal stuff you got goin' on, check it at the door. Hey, yo, you, Mr. Turner? Yeah, Janitor Bud wants to see you down in the parkin' lot. Somethin' about his truck runnin' over your motorcycle. My bike? Oh! Read poems. OK, everybody out in the hall. Let's go. Move it along. No talking. Single file. Everybody but you, baboon. Frankie, you and Joey watch the door. - What's going on? - I am extremely distraught. Do you happen to know why? Yes. Someone has stolen the sweet, angelic smile from the face of my sister Theresa. Your sister? - You mean, T. K. 's - Theresa Keiner. And nobody breaks the heart of Harley Keiner's sweet baby sister. Look, Harley, I swear, I had no idea she was your sister. You do realize you'd be dead already, except that Theresa says you're a gentleman. Lucky for you and your kneecaps, I deem this a very rare and desirable quality. Therefore, I am willing to let you take Theresa to the movies tonight as planned. You know, we really don't have to go out. No, you really do. OK. This will be a nice date, a polite date. You will be a perfect gentleman, 'cause otherwise, baboon, your next and final date is with Frankie. And don't expect flowers. All right, I think this'll work. Black shoes, white socks, bow tie should do it. Eric, how do I look? Like a ventriloquist's dummy. Perfect! You know, I thought you had a date, but apparently, you're going to Sears to take pictures for Grandma. This is for my date. We want to make sure he's totally unappealing to this girl. That's good. Play your strengths. Oh, gosh, she's here. Shawn, stay with me. Come on, what the worst thing that could happen? It is time. I got a date with Frankie! Miss Keiner's waiting in the car to go to the movies. Oh, that's better. No, it's not. Shawn, she's gonna see through this outfit. I'm goin' out in a bow tie. I'm coming back in a box. Help me. Miss Keiner doesn't like to miss the coming attractions fuzzy. Any last words for Mom and Dad? Tell Mom, "Politeness kills. " After you. - Hey! - Frankie, I'm datin' here! Well, I'm chaperonin'. Will you talk to him? Sure. He always listens to me. So, uh, Frankie nice hat! - Shut up. - Yes, sir. Frankie, be a good guy, huh? Go play on that swing set over there. This I cannot do. Ooh, the dancin' snacks! I love the dancin' snacks! Here make a dream come true. Harley gave me orders. Ooh, the Snowcaps are doin' the cha-cha! I think they're savin' the last dance for you, Frankie. Out of my way! Well, alone at last! You know, T. K., I'm really thirsty. I think I'll go grab us a couple of drinks, OK? Oh, save your strength. You just sit there lookin' good. But lose this. Shawn, how'd you get here? I live on the other side of the fence. So, how's it goin'? Shawn, she's all over me. How do I get her to stop? I've never exactly had that problem before. How do you normally strike out? I don't know. I mean, it's usually so easy for me! OK. Look, hop on my bike. I'll get you out of here. Ditch Harley Keiner's sister on a date? Are you mental? Too late. So, where were we? Oh, yeah. Uh, wait, wait, wait. Couldn't we kinda talk? OK. Let's talk about you and me. No. Let's talk about something else, like - like, baseball! - I hate baseball. Mad about the strike, huh? Let it go. You know, me and my brother Eric, we went to, like, 10 Phillies games last year. What's the matter? Theresa? Look, I was at a Phillies game once, and I didn't have a good time, OK? Well, what happened? You wanna know? Yeah, I wanna know. OK. You'll get a kick out of this one. My old man, my real dad, you know? On my eighth birthday, he took me to a Phillies game. And it was so great being there, just me and him. He even arranged it so my name flashed on the scoreboard. That's really nice. Yeah, it was till he started chatting it up with this redhead in the row behind us. He acted like I wasn't even there. Seventh-inning stretch, he and she went to buy some beers. I never saw him again. Wait a minute. You're eight years old, it's your birthday The jerk ditched me. I mean, I sat there for hours like an idiot with my stupid souvenir hat till one of the ballpark guys called my mom. She was sort of under the weather, so Harvey rode his bike down to get me. Who? Harvey, my brother. He's the only one who's ever really looked out for me. Wait. You're telling me Harley Keiner's real name is Harvey? I'm the onlyone who gets to call him that. Harvey the single most fantastic thing I've ever heard. And I can't tell anyone, 'cause he'd kill me. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah, he would. Whoa, what are you doing? - I like you, Cory. - Yeah, I like you, too. Well then, come on, kiss me. Look, I'm sayin' it's OK! No. I just think we should get to know each other. You know, get to be friends. Slow it down a little. I'm not that kind of girl. - Aah! - What are you doing with my sister? Look, Harvey, I can explain everything! Well, you better make it Harvey? You told him that? Oh, you are so dead, baboon! No. Leave him alone! Get off him! Come on! Theresa, not the face. Not the face! Get me out of here, Hunter. Come on, Shawn! Oh, great, say my whole name. Now Harvey's gonna be after me, too! I'll find you, baboon, and when I do, you're dead! The kid says "Harvey. " Who could that be? Ohh Cory, here are the notes from fourth period. How long you gonna be in there? Just slip my diploma through the grate. Wait a minute. Shawn, what kind of notes are these? You've got doodles and tic-tac-toe and a piece of chewed gum? Great. You touched it. Now I can't eat it. It's bad enough I got to breathe through gym socks. Give me some notes I was just leaving. Come out, come out, wherever you are. Look, Harley, it's only fair to warn you, I am wired to explosives in here. You pull me out, this whole school blows sky high! Hey, that's my friend and this is my locker. I need a moment alone with baboon. - Guys, go to class. - Class! That's a good one, Harley. Like me and Frankie would ever be caught dead inside a classroom, right? - Go! - OK. Look. Harley, give me a chance to explain. I trusted you to take my sister on a nice, polite date. How do you repay me? You try and take advantage of that sweet, innocent child. I was not the one making the moves! What are you saying to me, baboon? I'm right behind you, buddy! She was all over me, I swear! You expect me to believe that my angelic baby sister actually came on to you? Harley, I wouldn't make this up. It's the truth. You gotta believe me. Any of you guys know a girl named T. K. ? - Is she fast, like he says she is? - Oh, yeah! You guys know the "K" in T. K. stands for my sister? Oh, no! This is very disconcerting. Look, Harley, I didn't mean to say she's a bad person, - 'cause she's not. - I know, I know. It's just, you try and do good by 'em, raise 'em right. But I guess it wasn't enough. You know, your sister loves you a lot. She told me you're the only one that's always been there for her. And yet, it seems I failed her. Well, it's the pressures, you know? The demands of my day. I mean, I'm so busy collectin' lunch money and dunking kids' heads into toilets, I hardly have time for my sister anymore. You do the best you can. Yeah. She needs more. She just needs somebody to set a good example for her. And you, you're always gonna be the biggest influence in her life. Yeah. I could talk to her. You know, set her straight a little. Yeah, that's what's important, not who she's dating. Well, personally, I was kinda hopin' she'd date you. 'Course, that's up to you and T. K. But, if it works out and you go out again you take her somewhere nice, eh? See, my sister, she deserves it. So, Harley, does this mean, me and you, we're OK? No. You can think about it! You ain't nothing, Keiner! And I ain't afraid of you, either! I just can't get out of this locker. Cory? Cory! Mr. Matthews, Mrs. Matthews, Thank you oh, so very much for having me for dinner in your lovely home. No, thank you for the lobsters! You're welcome, I'm sure. So, how's the new me coming across, fuzzy? You're doing great. Uh-oh. This guy's missing a claw. That is it! I told 'em these are important people. This is a very big dinner for me. I wanted everything to be perfect! What do they do? They send me damaged goods. Mr. Matthews, Mrs. Matthews, thank you oh, so very much for having me for dinner in your lovely home.