Late Afternoon in the Garden of Bob and Louise

Niagara ketchup! I don't get it. Oh, like Niagara Falls, but with ketchup? No! Oh, yes. Kids, stop. You love Niagara ketchup! Admit it! You want to get in a barrel and be part of it! Bob: No. Dad, are you still mad about the zester? Yes, of course I'm mad. You zested gum off Gene's shoe. Yeah. It's called being a good sister. But now it's ruined. You can never un-zest this. Can't we get another zester? Not like this one. It was perfect. I had more zest for this zester than I do for life. It was simply the zest. Ha, ha! Too soon. Yeah. Hey, Mike. You got some bills, and this one feels really weird if you squeeze it. Oh, my God! A letter from the community garden! Please let it say I'm accepted. Open it. Open it. Open it. Open it! “Dear Mr. Belcher, we regret to inform you...” Damn it! Aw! Oh, they sent a packet of seeds. Consolation seeds. I've been there. Why would they send those? I don't know, Tina. I guess to remind me of the beautiful place that exists that I'll never get to be a part of! Like the boys locker room. Or New York in the '90s! Cheer up, Bobby. We could get you a little planter box to hang from the window. It's not the same, Lin. It's not just about growing a few things. It's about working the land, growing produce for the restaurant. If we had a yard, I'd do it there, but we don't. Get off your high horse. Why don't you grow some alley pumpkins? I want land! I'm a gardener trapped in the body of an urban restaurateur. I have ground beef under my fingernails, but it should be... ground beef and dirt! Ugh. Mike, I know you're just the mailman, but I can't help thinking you did this. Sure, blame me for this, but you never thank me for the letters I don't deliver. Thank you. Bye-bye. There must be something I can do to get in. You know what? I'm gonna walk down there and talk to the garden master. Oh, Cynthia? Good luck with that piece of work. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Cynthia as in Logan's mom? As in Logan, my archenemy?! Yeah. Tell her to tell Logan he's a... (blows raspberry). And his head looks like... (blows raspberry). And his face sounds like... (blows raspberry). He'll know what it means. I, uh... I probably won't do that, Louise. Do you want me to write it down then? Um, yeah, go ahead. You know, do what you got to do, Bobby. If you have to sleep with her to get in, it's okay. I don't like her, but whatever it takes. Way ahead of you, Lin. (birds chirping) It's so... perfect. Can I help you? Oh. Hi, Cynthia. (sighs): Oh. So, um, uh, it's been a while since we were all in my restaurant with all those bikers. With all of those dirty bikers your daughter hired to cut off my son's ears. And that baby was born. Weird day! Right! But we don't... we don't have to reminisce about that. Wait. Does that have anything to do with me not getting accepted to the garden? (chuckles): Oh, of course not! Bygones. Well, my application was rejected again, and I was wondering if maybe I filled it out wrong. I did make a few jokes. Like where it asked, “What are your hobbies?” I wrote, “Beets me!” Get it? Spelled B-E-E-T. Ugh! Logan! It was an accident! Gah! It's hot! He probably likes it! Ugh, sorry, Bob. He's not... We're working on it. No, no, he's a... he's a great kid. (scoffs) No, he's not, but he will be. I'm trying to get him into this college prep summer program, but he doesn't have enough extracurricular activities. Like, uh, volunteering? (scoffs) Volunteering. Everyone's doing that. You can't throw a rock without hitting a kid volunteering at a hospice. Oh, I hate those kids who volunteer at hospices. The newest thing is crappy jobs that build character. You want to stand out, you write an essay about that. Oh. What qualifies as a crappy job? I don't know. Like sweeping stuff or mopping something. You know, just some dead-end job in a horrible place. I know a dead-end job in a horrible place! (doorbells jingle) Bob: Say hello to the newest member of the community garden! Hello. All right! Congrats, Dad. You did it, you old son of a bitch! And say hello to our newest employee! Logan? No! Dad! Uh-huh. Uh-uh. Uh-huh! Uh-uh! Uh-huh! Uh-uh! Uh-huh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh, uh, uh! Uh, uh, uh! See? You two are already enjoying working together. (laughs): Okay, you got me. It's a joke. You'd never really hire Logan. It's just temporary, Louise. Logan's mom was nice enough to find me a plot at the community garden, because... Because he gave me this crappy job. It's not crappy. Don't-don't say that. But if your mom asks, it's-it's crappy. Wait. You're paying this butt brain? My butt does have brains. They're called turds, and they're smarter than you. No, it's an unpaid internship. Finally, we're getting a little more sausage at this party. Yes, Gene. This is a terrible idea, Dad. You've taken the only good thing about this restaurant... its lack of Logan- and you added Logan! That is not appropriate for the workplace. You are not appropriate for the workplace! You're not appropriate for your face! (groaning) (both groaning, blowing raspberries) I bet when you reconnect in your 30s, you guys will get married. Bob, if they're gonna just fight the whole time, he's not gonna be much help. Bob: Just let them get it out of their system. It's almost like they're playing. I'm okay with him. I can pick his brain about mid-teen boys. Find out what tickles their pits. That's a good attitude, Tina. Louise, can I see you in the kitchen real fast? Louise, I really, really want this garden. Plus, it will be good for all of us. We're gonna grow fresh produce for the restaurant. Doesn't that sound great? Dad, I'm nine. I spit out vegetables and hide them around the house. Louise, please, can you at least try and get along with Logan? Just for a little while? Do it for me? Fine. Great! Thanks. But the first time he even... (sighs) Okay, I'm off to the garden! Is that my sun hat? Uh, yeah. Can I borrow it? I guess, but you look like a British lady. I know. Thanks. Bye. Oh, my dirt. My sweet, sweet, sweet dirt. Hello, trowel. You're gonna be digging. Hello, shears. You're gonna be trimming. I was so smart to buy you guys five years ago. Everyone said, "You don't have a garden. Why are you buying gardening equipment?" And I said, “I'll grow into it.” (chuckles) Trowel? Right? Uh, sorry. I-I didn't see... I thought I was alone. Okay, Logan, fellow employee, this is the spot I've chosen for you to stand in for the rest of the day. It's out of the way, we won't have to smell or hear you, and when it's time to punch out, there's the door. Oh, you're gonna smell me. Smell it. Take in the aroma. (chuckles) High five. Wow, that was hard! I never knew high-fiving was so violent and satisfying! My hand is a man now! Your hand is a bro. It is? Let's bro again. (grunts) Ow! Oh, yeah. Gene! What? Everyone getting along out there? You know it, Linda. I'm in the mile- high-five club. Sounds great. Maybe I wasn't clear, Logan. You stand in your spot, face the wall, silently, till it's time to go home, and everything will be fine. The way I see it, as long as your dad wants his garden, I can do whatever I feel like. What? Yeah. Maybe I'll go back to this. Oh, somebody order a cup of cheese? 'Cause that's what it smells like. (yells) Come on, Logan. Let's-let's go in the back, and I'll show you how to wash the dishes. Uh, we-we can dish about the washing. (chuckles) So, uh, what do high school boys talk about? Follow-up question. Do you talk about it in the shower after you do sports? Additional follow-up question. How hot is the water? Does it produce steam? I'm asking for a friend. Yeah, that's classified, top-secret guy stuff, so... Right, right, right, right. And towels- how small are they? Like washcloth size? Uh... Smaller? (sighs) I'll start folding this. You say when. Huh? Huh? Mm. Uh. Huh? Ah... Like, what... I can't even fold it more. Hey, Mom, how you doing? Good. So, are we really sure this Logan thing is worth it? I mean, Dad's a family member, but he's ranked, like, fourth or fifth. Louise, it's not that bad. Plus, your father needs this. And you owe him one. You de-zested his zester. Let him have the garden. (groans) Sometimes you just got to be around people you don't like. Oh, look at this place. Oh, God, it's her. Oh, it's even more depressing than I remembered. How dare she. Oh, hi, Linda. I'm just here to help Logan with his essay. Don't mind me. Oh, I won't, Cynthia. What were you saying, Mother? (whispers): Something about people you don't like? Just pretend like I'm not here. Oh, but could I just get a chamomile tea? I'm sorry, we don't have that. Oh. Okay. Well, then just bring me some hot water. And a lemon and some chamomile tea. Oh, right, you don't have that. That's just... so weird. Anyway, hot water and lemon would be great. Fine. Ew. Sticky. Logan? Logan! What?! I'm starting your essay we're gonna say you wrote! Come out here and sweep something so I can write about it! (grumbling) (grumbling) Well, good night. Good night. Okay, Bob, I'm just gonna say it. I know you love that garden, but now Cynthia's hanging out at the restaurant, ordering tea. (screams) Hi. If I could just jump in here, I don't know if I can take Logan much longer before I slap that mess. Yeah, how long is this gonna last, Bob? Uh, probably just until Logan gets into that summer program thing, and then we're home free. Rolling in arugula. So just try and ignore Cynthia and Logan. Start slapping faces, got it. No! No slapping. Just ignoring. Fine. But just so you know, I got this guy and this guy, and they're ready to go to work. Look at you. It's only been a few days, and you're so big! (high-pitched): We know. And soon, you'll be ready to get eaten. (high-pitched): What? Nothing. I didn't say anything. I for... I forgot you could understand me, spoke English. I'm gonna tickle you now. Huh? Huh? (high-pitched laughing) (high-pitched): Oh, stop! Stop! ♪ Tomatoes and sweet peas and green beans ♪ ♪ It's a dream come true ♪ ♪ I wanna take her stupid neck ♪ ♪ And wring it ♪ ♪ That's what I want to do, too, but with him ♪ ♪ The only thing greener than these plants is my thumb ♪ ♪ How did we ever get stuck with these bums? ♪ ♪ The restaurans now a crappy place ♪ ♪ I think I found my happy place ♪ ♪ I'm like a British Lady in my garden ♪ ♪ And my plants agree ♪ Mm-hmm! ♪ He's the most annoying person that was ever born ♪ ♪ Oh, God, she brought her own tea ♪ ♪ I'm the world's greatest farmer ♪ ♪ Things are growing so well ♪ ♪ We're living in our own personal hell ♪ ♪ The restaurant's now a crappy place ♪ ♪ I think I found my happy ♪ ♪ The restaurant's now a crappy, crappy, crappy, crappy ♪ ♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy ♪ ♪ Place. ♪ (burps, blows air) Ooh, windy in here, huh? Stop it! (burps, blows air) Ew! Something should close the door, huh? Stop it! High school age boys- they're a handful. Handful of this. (grunts) Gene! Sorry. "These simple people were doing the best they could "with what little they had in their sad, underperforming restaurant"? Hey, don't read that! “Simple people”? It's just an expression. It's for the essay. You know what, Cynthia? Nope. Do it for Bobby, do it for Bobby. Uh-oh, we got a low-pressure system moving in from the north and a warm front moving in from the south. (burps, blows air) Stink-a-cane! Son of a bitch! Take shelter! Is “slop shop” one word or two? You know what you should write about? A very violent event involving your computer and a simple lady who snapped! Kids, get a mop! You're about to clean Cynthia's laptop off the floor! Oh, yeah. Let's do this! Hands, time to get slappy. (exclaiming) Wha...? Hi everyone. How are things... going? Interesting but scary. Everything's going great! I was just about to proofread Cynthia's essay with my foot. And I was just gonna use my hands to make a Logan face sandwich. (both grunting) Okay, uh, good. Cynthia, hello. Logan, hey. So, uh, you know, a few bumps in the road are to be expected. This is more than a few bumps, Bob. This was a bad idea. Kiss your garden good-bye. Logan, we're leaving! Good! Great! Bye. Whoa, whoa, w-wait, wait. Where are you going? Yeah, Dad. Don't. Let them go. I'll, uh... I'll handle this. Look, I-I'm sure we can figure this out. Is-is there anything I can do to fix this? I-I will do anything to make this work. I love your son. Look at Dad. He's really laying into them. Gene: Maybe I should go out there and hold him back. Nah, I don't think so. Linda: Aw, big papa bear Bobby looking out for his cubs. You get 'em. Louise: I'm just glad this nightmare on Logan Street is over. There's got to be something we can do that will make you happy, make me happy, make your essay happy. All right, Bob. You told them off. Good job. Yeah, well, uh... Did you hear someone yelling, “Please Hammer, don't hurt 'em”? That was me. Uh, yeah, yeah. Good. I thought you were gonna keep taking that doofus's side, then I saw you out there, and damn it if you didn't make me proud. Uh, okay. Um, a little news to share, everyone. Uh, a-after a lot of consideration, I've decided to make Logan... employee of the month. What?! Bob! Wow. He hasn't even been here a week. Good for him. N-Now, hear me out. Louise... Ow, ow. You're hurting me. Ow, ow! Aw, Bob. (coughs) Oh, my kidneys. You're so small, but you're so strong. Him or me, Dad! It's for the greater good, Louise. Okay. I see. All right. (coughing) Oh, thank God. I quit! Damn it, I thought the glass would break. Anyway, I quit! The glass didn't break. High five! Great, Bobby. Great job! So Louise can quit? Quitting is an option? I want to quit. It would be fun to quit if I didn't love this job so gosh darn much. Nobody's quitting. Louise didn't quit. She's just going on a sabbatical. Great. I'll do that. No, only one sabbatical a year, Gene. And I'm taking mine next. Mm. This is not a big deal. I'm gonna go talk to Louise. Louise? Sweetheart? Sweet Pea? I know I don't call you that, but maybe we should start calling you that. I'll do that. Sweet Pea, how you doing in there? Louise: Perfect! Louise, making Logan employee of the month doesn't mean anything. I know it doesn't, because we've never done it before. Hey, I have a great idea. What if we make you employee of the month next month? I mean, Tina, technically should really be next; She works so much harder than you. Never mind. We'll make an exception for you. But Tina will be crushed. Sounds super, super great! Can't wait, Dad! Okay, good. So, good talk, right? Aw, the best. Good first step. (groans) Uh, thanks for participating. Love you... Cutie Pie? Ugh. Sorry. I'll think of a better one than Cutie Pie. You're my Angel Dust. Sorry, that's a drug. I'm gonna go. Bye. Louise. When are you coming down? Mom has a stain on her apron. You're missing so much. How'd you get this number? Mom writes it on my leg every morning in case I get lost. Oops. I better sweep this up. Keep talking about whatever you're talking about. It doesn't have to be about your changing bodies, but it could be. Go. So are you coming down or what? I miss you! Oh I'll see you soon, Gene. (chuckles) But you won't see me. If Dad won't fire Logan, oh, I'm gonna make Logan wish Dad would've never hired him. Okay, bye. Oh, my God. Today was supposed to be overcast. No, it's a beautiful day. Shorts weather. Oh, no. No, no, no. What, Bob? I-I didn't cover my beans. You didn't cover your beans? It was supposed to be overcast! They're gonna die! Aah! I got to save the beans! Go! Damn it, Bob, you're frickin' nuts. Go! I'll be back in five minutes! Hey Scotty. Jacob. What's up? You liking those fries, brah? On me, my friends. I do whatever I want around here. 'Cause I'm employee of the month, so... Ow! What the... Who did that? Hey. Damn it. (quietly): Just spitballin' here. (laughs) Linda, I just need one photo of him with this employee of the month plaque in the restaurant. And maybe a few of him taking out the trash. Eh, why don't I take out the trash instead? Uh, bup, bup, bup, bup. I-I'm taking the photo. Dup, dup, dup, dup. No, you don't. Bob and I have a deal. Deal with this, honey. Oh, my face! Ow, my face! Okay, we're good. You guys are good, right? (high-pitched): Thanks, Bob. We were hot and scared. Oh, I'm sorry, guys. (high-pitched): Tell us a joke. No, I-I... I got to get back. (high-pitched): Please? Just one? All right, just one. A kid's playing in a sandbox and he finds a welding mask. (high-pitched laugh) No, wait, there... that's not the end. It's more. (high-pitched): Oh. Okay, a kid's playing in a sandbox. (high-pitched laugh) Who's hitting me with spitballs?! (gasps) Invisible spitball ninja. Logan, you got something on your face right there. (grunts) Stop it! Oh, and also right there. Logan: Louise, I know it's you. Where are you? Louise: I'm in your mind, Logan. There's a lot of room in here. (chuckles) Oh, I'm gonna find you. And I'm gonna get you. And I'm gonna... (gags, coughs) My uvula! Employee of the mouth! (grunts) Linda, control your daughter! Ow! Hey! Ha, ha. Good news. The green beans are doing all right. Oh, you and that garden. You smell like dirt and fresh air. And it makes me sick! Ow! Your daughter's gone nuts, by the way. She's in the crawlspace shooting spitballs at everyone. Louise, get out of there. Louise: No! Not until you fire Logan. Ow! Hey. Louise, you come out of there right now. I don't want to do this, but you're not going to be the next employee of the month; You're going to be the last employee of the month, even after Gene! Sorry, Gene. Sorry for what? I wasn't listening. And I am not going to fire Logan; I'm keeping the garden, and you're going to deal with it, Louise,