Spelling Bee (Hey Arnold!)

(Credits over shot of PS 118)

Slovak: Arnold?

(In the classroom, Arnold and Helga are at two podia, with Slovak at the teachers' table)

Slovak: Arnold! ... Arnold!

Arnold: Oh sorry. What was the word again?

(The class laughs)

Slovak: (sigh) "Nuclear".

Arnold: Oh yeah. "Nuclear". N-u-c l-e a-r.

Slovak: Right! (as the class cheers) That means you and Helga are the best spellers in school! The citywide spelling bee is on Saturday and there's a $500 prize, so good luck to you two! And Helga, don't spend all that money in one place.

Helga: I won't Ms. Slovak. I'll win, just like I'm supposed to.

Slovak: Good girl. One last announcement: They're conducting some very dangerous asbestos tests this weekend. So when you come to class on Monday, it's very, very important (the students put their books under their desks at this point) that you all re...

(The bell rings, and guess who's first out of the room? ;-) Soon the others are getting out as well)

Arnold: Good luck tomorrow Helga.

Helga: Yeah right, just get ready to lose your butt.

(By now all the other students have left and Helga's alone in the classroom, so it's Helga soliloquy time. Cue "soliloquy" music)

Helga: If only my love could melt the torment of my soul...

(OK, enough soliloquy. Cut over to Gerald and Arnold walking)

Gerald: I'm tellin' you Arnold, you got it made! A few years on the spelling bee circuit at 500 a pop, and you can retire by age 14!

Arnold: You kidding? Helga's gonna cream me!

Gerald: Think of what you can get with that 500 bucks.

Arnold (grinning large as he sees a keyboard on sale at a music store): Tonemaster 2000. With 5 octaves, 800 MB music storage. And, over 250 pre-programmed instruments.

Gerald: It's only 499.95: You'll even have change left over.

Arnold: You're right Gerald, I'm gonna win that spelling bee no matter what.

Gerald: Now you're talkin', man.

(By now, Helga has left school, and is kicking a can along the way)

Helga: This is terrible: if I win, I lose; if I lose, I lose! I should be happy but I'm not! There's nobody on the planet with worse luck than me! (sighs)

(So what's your problem, Helga? Anyhow, the can she kicked jams the wheel in Eugene's bike, causing him to lose control and fly into a garden filled with pit bulls, as indicated with a sign saying "Beware: Pit Bulls". OK, now Gerald and Arnold have reached The Sunset Arms, so it's time for Arnold to leave Gerald)

Arnold: Thanks for the pep talk. You'll be there for me right Gerald?

Gerald: What are you crazy? And blow the whole Saturday? You'll be fine. Just remember: "I before E except after C".

Arnold: Yeah. Right. (repeatedly says that on his way to his room)

(We pan towards the Patakis house as we hear, then see, an ad for Big Bob's Beepers. The jingle is over a somewhat extravagant production)

Singer on ad: "It's Big Bob's Beepers / He's the King / It's Big Bob's Beepers / Ching-ching-ching! (beeper noise) Big Bob's Beepers!"

(Switch to TV view) Big Bob: I'm Big Bob Pataki, the beeper king. Remember: We'll beat any advertised price (accompanied with some babes scissoring a dollar sign), unless it's lower. (Bob sitting on bull) Come on down to our beeper emporium this Saturday (holding up pig) for our annual spelling bee sale : if my daughter Helga doesn't win the contest, you get your first beeper free! And remember:

Singer on ad: (beeper noise) "Big Bob's Beepers!"

(Big Bob turns off the TV)

Big Bob: Heh, heh, heh, I love that ad. Alright, back to work, the next word is "clavichord".

(Helga is sitting on a chair over a dictionary with spotlights shining at her)

Helga: Please dad, I'm so tired...

Big Bob: Hey, heyheyheyhey, your sister Olga could spell that word when she was five. And what are you, six, seven?

Helga: Nine, daddy.

Big Bob: Whatever. Point is you're a Pataki and Patakis are winners, right?

Helga: Yes, dad.

Big Bob: I remember the first time your sister Olga won the City Spelling Bee. It was the greatest moment of her life. She was so happy. (looking at a photo of the big win) I'll never forget when she got that final word: "qualm" (kwawm). Q-u-a-LLLLL-m, qualm. (Helga sighs) The "l" was practically silent, but she nailed it, she nailed that "l"!...

Helga: Please dad, I've heard this story a million times.

Big Bob: You know why? Because it was a Pataki moment, that's why. (shows Helga some trophies) She won that trophy, and she won another, and another, (pull back to reveal... well, a lot of trophies!) and soon this WHOLE ROOM was full of trophies! But I saved a spot for you, right there. (points to indistinct empty spot on a cabinet) Behind that little one in the back row. See it?

Helga (squinting): Uh, sort of.

Big Bob: Well, it's there, and all you gotta do is win. You hear me? Win. Win. Winnn!!

Helga: (sighs) OK dad, I'll do my best. (cut to outside) Clavichord, c-l-a-v i-c-h o-r-d. Clavichord.

(OK, remember the word "qualm" since it'll be important later on. Cut over to the Arms, where Arnold, over a huge dictionary, has his hands over his eyes, while he's practicing for the bee)

Arnold: Phlegm. P-h-l e... uh....

Grandpa (coming in with cookies and milk): ...g-m, phlegm. When you get to be my age, that's a word you use a lot. Milk and cookies?

Arnold: No thanks, grandpa.

Grandpa: Hey, what's bugging you short man?

Arnold: I dunno grandpa, it's just.... I don't think I have a chance to win this thing tomorrow.

Grandpa: Oh ho ho, now listen boy. You know that your grandma and me will be proud of you no matter how good you do. you don't have to prove anything to us.

Arnold: I know...

Grandpa: You're just as smart as any kid there. The only thing that can beat ya is your attitude.

Arnold: You're right grandpa. All I have to do is think positive. Here (hands Grandpa the dictionary), ask me a word, any word.

Grandpa: Uh, OK, here's one. Onomatopoeia (ah nah motto PEE a).

(Guitar string break noise... Arnold slumps to the table and sighs)

Grandpa: Like I said Arnold, we'll be proud of you no matter what.

(Like "qualm", that word will be important during the bee... Now we fade out to the City Auditorium with a banner saying "Welcome Speelers!" in front. It's the day of the contest, and Arnold is at the bee with his grandparents)

Arnold (seeing all his competition): I just hope I don't embarrass myself...

Gerald (in another chair): Don't worry, you won't.

Arnold: Gerald, you came!

Gerald: Sure, how could I miss your big day?

Arnold: You're a pal...

(Arnold and Gerald do that hand thing they do)

Gerald (whispers): So where's the snack bar?

(Backstage, it's Helga and Big Bob's pep talk)

Big Bob: Now remember pumpkin, all these kids have studied and worked real hard day and night just to get this far. (changing tone) But they're all suckers and saps, that trophy belongs to us!

Helga: I know, dad.

Big Bob: Oh, and one other thing. We got beepers riding on this, so where you're up there, wear this around your neck (holds out a medal). Okay?

Helga: But dad, this is Olga's medal. I don't need this!

Big Bob: Just wear it for good luck honey.

(When she tries it on, the medal weighs her to the ground :-D Now, it's time for the bee... as we pan across all 10 contestants:)

Moderator: Everyone knows the rules: Last speller standing is the city champion. (pause) And let the spelling begin.

(Some applause as the first contestant comes up)

Mod.: The first word is "glacial".