Stan of Arabia: Part 2

[Chorus ] # Good morning, U. S. A. - I forbid you to do that play! - You forbid me? Ha! I'm not going to fire you, Smith. I'm going to promote you. It will requireyou and your family to relocate. [Stan ] Wait a minute! - This isn't a promotion. - Saudi Arabia is a dry country. You think that's something? Wait till you hear the rules about women. Surprise! I got us a second wife. - How much for the woman? - Woman? Oh, no, that's just Rog- Sold. I am a man! I've decided to giveyou your old job back. - Sir, I kind oflike it here. - What aboutyour family? I officially renounce our American citizenship. The Smiths are staying in Saudi Arabia forever! Francine, Thundercat, there's no need to fight over me. - I loveyou both equally. - What? Francine, we live in Saudi Arabia now, and in Saudi Arabia Daddy makes the decisions, Mommy makes a sandwich. Mommy makes a sandwich. You've lost it, Stan. Has your boss called to offeryou yourjob backyet? Nope, he didn't call me an hour ago. Or maybe it wasn't more like an hour and a halfago. Mmm! Delicious sandwich, Number One. I'm sorry. She's in the lead now. She got 50 points for making the sandwich. Oh, yeah, there's points. - Get back here, whore! - It's okay. I respectyour right to chase me. Aah! Son of a bitch! My face! Damn it! Aah! - [ Gulps ] - Oh, thereyou are. Hey,you know a woman can't be out in public unescorted bya man. - You know this harlot? - She is my sister. - Right, Sis? - Uh, yeah. [Man ]All units to the northeast corner ofthe casbah! - 220 in progress! - 220? Someone just spotted a woman's ankles. Let's move. You should be more careful around the police ofvice and virtue. Doyou want to get stoned? Yes! Oh, my God! It's been, like, forever. You would like to be buried up toyour neck and have a crowd of angry men throw rocks at your head? - Oh. No. - Normally, I wouldn't come to the aid of an American. Your country's foreign policy is despicable your culture is crude, and your gluttony and greed make me sick. You are so hot. Whoa. That thing came out of nowhere. [StarterFiring] [ Sighs ] I'm stranded in the middle of a desert with no food, no water, but at least I finally get to see Angelina Jolie's sweet supple- No! I'm gonna kill Steve. Selling me to some stranger. And he didn't even haggle. By the way these baskets go for, like, I betyou paid, what, like 50 cents? Be honest. Silence! You were not purchased foryour opinions. - You were purchased to be a wife. - Wife? Look, bub, I'm not marrying you! Of courseyou're not marrying me. You're marrying him. Well, a girl can't hold out forever. The Iraq war was a travesty. Exactly. It's like the whole unilateral preemption thing is- [ Together] An insupportable doctrine with inevitable negative repercussions on the geopolitical stage! - Hey, you want to get dinner? - Ooh, now is not good. I have a meeting. I'm in this secret group called Al-Qae- "Al-qae-holics" Anonymous? Hayley, promise meyou won't go near the American embassy. The embassy? Oh, my God, you're a- Oh, Kazim, no! Look, I hate America's policies too - but there are otherways. - Oh, Hayley perhaps if I had met such an incredible Western girl years ago. - But it's not too late! You can't- - No. I must. - It is written. - Nothing is written. It's so good to have Stan working with us on the pipeline and not for the- yuck- United States. - Imperialist swine. - Theywant to enslave all Arabs. You know damn well that America does not want to enslave all Arabs. Just the ones who have oil. Am I right, fellas? Yeah. Americans. Ha! Bunch of douche bags. Praise Allah. - [ Ringing ] - Bullock here. Deputy Director Bullock, will you please offer Stan his job back? Francine, what a surprise. I already offered Stan his job back. He said no. [ Screams ] Your family may have moved to Saudi Arabia but I'm the real fish out ofwater. Seriously, I'm dying. Okay. I'm cool. Whatever life throws at me, I can take it because I am a strong, independent blackwoman. I mean, white teenager. Oh, God! I'm gonna die out here! Lord, please send me some water or food or- [ThunderRumbling] Or Angelina Jolie. Angelina Jolie's fine. Your beverage, Princess. Thankyou, Zacharias. Oh, Zacharias, this is a Tom Collins. Whateveryou did this time, write it down becauseyou nailed it. You freakin' nailed it. There's my desert flower. Uh, whatya doin'? Preparing to consort with my newest and loveliest concubine. Consort? Consort! Whoa! Whoa. Nuh-uh! Now, I-I don't know whatyou've heard about American girls, but we don't go hopping into bed with some guy we onlyjust met! Oh, Hayley, that was so wonderful. But now I'm so confused. It's like I'm not sure who I am anymore. Why, because ofthat thing I did with my finger? Look, we tried something weird, and you liked it. That's doesn't make- Oh, you're talking about the terrorism thing. Oh, oh, you know what else I hate about America? New Mexico. Like we need another one ofthose. [Francine ] Stan Smith! Deputy Director Bullock offered you yourjob back and you turned him down? - You lied to me, Stan! - You're right. And it was a mistake to lie. You know why? Because I didn't have to. Because I'm the man, and what I say goes. And I say Saudi Arabia's the greatest country in the world. Greatest country in the world? #We packed our bags We hopped a plane # #We left our happy home # Uh, Francine, singing's kind ofillegal here. Hit it! #You can't go out unless you are escorted by a man # # And when you doyou come home with a butt crack full ofsand # # No alcohol, no rum and Cokes and no Dom Pérignon # # At least a girl can have a smoke # - But not on Ramadan! - # Oh, it's a land ofjoy # # Ifyou are a boy # # But ifyou are a girl # # It's the worst place in the world # Okay, Francine, we get it. Oh, but I'm just getting started. Stan, you need to go to the U. S. embassy and get help. Oh, sure, one little snag and we go running back to the imperialist pig dogs. Will you have a little faith in the Saudi legal system? Let me tell you about the Saudi legal system. I've been in here for 23 years, and you know what I did? - I stole a candy bar. - I don't believeyou. My hand to God. - So I'm going to head over to the embassy. - Yeah, good idea. Listen, honey, this isn't a good time. I- I'm riding the cotton camel right now. Know what I mean? You need not be embarrassed, my little hyacinth. - ## [Funk] - Wow, this is so not how I pictured my first time. Now I know how Brenda Walsh felt on prom night. What is this you speak of? You know, Shannen Doherty on 90210 goes to the prom with brooding rebel Dylan McKay grapples with a decision to lose hervirginity? Your story intrigues me. Tell me ofthis glorious epic. Glorious epic? Wow, you just made Aaron Spelling's year. Okay, okay. I'll tell you the tale, but it could take a while. And when you are done, we will make the beast with two backs? I can't believeyou have to pay forwives. You're such a charmer. Anyway, once upon a time there was a magical place where Beemers glistened in the parking lot and all the teenagers were white and in their 30s. Wow, Angelina Jolie! I have so many questions to askyou. Is thatwhole thing aboutyou sleeping with knives in the bed true? I'm not Angelina Jolie, Steve. I'm God. I simply chose the form most pleasing toyou. Oh, you're God. So is that thing about Angelina Jolie sleeping with knives in the bed true? Yeah. It's messed up, isn't it? I'm glad you showed up. I guess I sort of got carried away with this whole "being a man" thing, huh? You know, Steve, you'll be all grown up beforeyou know it. So in the meantime, why not enjoy being a kid a little longer? Because it doesn't last forever. - Hey, can I see your boobs? - What? Come on, baby. I- I mean, God. All right. But be warned- a single glance at the rack ofinfinite wisdom could drive a man to madness. Oh, now I have to see them. Awesome. [ Screams ] Mmm. Now I know how a kebab feels. [ Gasps ] [Kazim's Voice ] Mydarling, Hayley, you have moved me beyond words but I must now fulfill my destiny. Farewell forever, Kazim. P. S. Stay away from the U. S. embassy. The em bassy! Move! Out of my way! Oh, no! No! Shwarma Ki ng! Get your shwarma! - Kazim? - Hayley, I- I thought we talked about you not coming to the embassy. You work at Shwarma King? [ Laughing ] Let me guess. He tricked you into thinking he was a terrorist soyou'd have sex with him. He does that with all the American girls. Shwarma? - May I helpyou? - Yes, mywife's in jail. - You see, she- - I don't need to hear it. She's an American. We'll have her out in time for dinner. I'll just need your passport. Yeah, passport. Uh, funny story. - [ Laughs ] Let me guess. Monkey stole it? - No. - Monkey ate it? - No. Why doyou think there's a monkey? You said it was a funny story. I just assumed it involved nature's clown. No, I renounced our citizenship and burned our passports. Well, that's not funny. That's not funny at all. Yourwife's in real trouble, man. - [ Laughs ] - [Object Shatters ] Monkey! And I knew the show was dead when they started giving the guy from the Peach Pit his own stories. Like I care if Nat couldn't read. Click. Delightful. What a riveting tale! - Okay, time for sex. - Uh, uh, hey ifyou like that story- No, no, y-you wouldn't wanna hear about it. - Hear about what? - Oh, another enchanted place just to the east of Beverly Hills. A place called Melrose. People ofSaudi Arabia, I have gone into the wilderness and I have spoken with God. In the beginning, my children, lightwas separated from darkness- And so, by dividing up the disputed territories thusly Israelis and Palestinians can finally coexist in peace. - He's right. That would work. - Peace in the Middle East. All praise Steve Smith! Whoa, whoa, fellas. Don't praise me. Praise God. - She's the one who came up with all this stuff. - [ Gasping] I'm- I'm sorry. Did you say "she"? - Yeah, God's a woman. - Oh, I think I see what happened. You thought it was a woman, but really God was a guy in drag. No, no. This was definitely a woman. She had boobs and everything. Oh, so God's a man, but he has fake boobs 'cause that's just how he rolls, right? No, guys, this was a woman. You're missing the point. We need to ride toJerusalem and- I've got it! I know what it is! God was born with two sets of genitals, and the doctors- No! Look, God is a woman! God is a woman. Geez! - Well, now we gotta kill him. - Too bad. He had some good ideas. And then she climbed up onto our camel - and danced. - [ All Gasp ] Don't panic. I gotyou the best lawyer in Saudi Arabia. I'm sorry, counselor. What did you sayyour name is? - Irv Rosenblatt. - Guilty! Every single case! Oy, this is a tough town. Please, Your Honor. I won't last in prison. Well, then, this is your lucky day. I sentenceyou to death by stoning! Stan, don't let them stone me! Your Honor, this is all my fault. - Ifanyone should be stoned, it's me. - Sorry. Stone me with her. I'm an American. And in America, marriage is an equal partnership. So ifshe dies, I diewith her. Stan, that's very noble, but I'm doing this alone, and that's final. Francine, I forbid it. While I'm sure that's a meaningful callback to an earlier conversation I must point out thatyou're a man and you have broken no laws. So what does a guy have to do to get stoned around here? We're not big on homosexuality. [ Sighs ] - I'm gay. Stone me. - I don't know. It didn't seem likeyou were really into it. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Stone him. [Man ] This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Shwarma King and Clear Channelpresent Stone Mayhem '05! Where the crowd gets loud and the infidels get rocked. Admission covers the entire seat, butyou'll only need the edge! Don't worry, Franci ne. Steve's out there somewhere. The Smith name shall live on. Sorry, Dad. I had an epiphany in the desert I became a prophet, and then my disciples betrayed me - when I said God's a woman. - [ Laughs ] Teenagers. Anyway, the Smith name could still live on. Hayley's a filthy liberal. She'll probably hyphenate. Yeah, I'm here too. I put a shwarma guy in a coma. Well, I guess this is it. I'll see most ofyou in heaven. Hayley, it's been a crazy ride. [Man On P. A. ]Attention, stone-throwers. Two minutes till the stoning. We could sure use a miracle right about now. - [ All ] President Bush! - Howdy, Saudis. Democracy has arrived. [ Cheering ] ## [Rock] ## [Ends ] Looks like I got here just in time. Hey, it's snowing. - ## ["Auld LangSyne"] - Look, Mr. President. Teacher says every time a bell rings - an oppressive autocracy gets freedom. - That's right. That's right. Attaboy, Clarence. Stone-throwers ready? ##[Drumroll] [Cell Phone Ringing] That's me. Sorry. Hang on. Yello. - Oh, hello, sir. - [ Man, Indistinct ] What? But they're infidels. Fine. Great. Rock blocked. You're free to go. - [ Cheering ] - [ Crowd Jeering ] - Ow! - It's over, Thundercat. Whore. - I can't believe it. - What doyou think happened? Okay, beast with two backs. Now. Oh, that's what all the fuss is about? Oh, yeah, okay. No problem. Gee, Dad, less than [ Laughs ] Shut the hell up, Hayley. Butyou know, I will admit, America's got its flaws. - Really, Dad? Like what? - ## [Intro ] #Well, there's # # Free speech and there's gun control and lousy Democrats # #The media's too liberal and everyone's too fat # #The women have careers and form opinions oftheir own # - #We let ourwives control our lives # - # Damn, it's good to be home # # Our life's not always great # # In these United States # # But remember boys and girls # # It's not the worst place # # In the world # # It's not the worst place in the world, yeah, yeah ## Oh, and, uh, what happens in Saudi Arabia stays in Saudi Arabia. Okay? Seriously. Bye-bye. Seeyou soon.
 * 1) [ Roger] Previously on American Dad.
 * 1) The culture seemed a bit insane # # Butyou said Hey, when in Rome # Seriously, Francine, ix-nay on the inging- # Maybeyou've got no reason to complain # # But I've got no "Y" chromosome # So, here's what I don't like about Saudi Arabia.
 * 1) American girls we do Pilates # # Starve ourselves until we're hotties # #Why Because we like our bodies # # Check me out you uptight Saudis # # Oh, it's so awfully grand # - # Come on, Francine stop singing # - # Ifyou are a man # # I'm only backup singing # # Ifyou don't take me home soon, Stan # # I think I'm gonna hurl # # It's theworst place in theworld # I started this point system, and she's way behind.
 * 2) I onlywant to see the world explore and socialize # # But in this town I can't so much as look at other guys # # 'Cause ifl did they'd call me harlot, whore, adulteress # # I bet my last riyal you fellas won't approve ofthis # Who wants a kiss? # It's great ifyou're from Mars # # But not ifyou're from Venus # # Ifyou want to drive a car # #You'd better have a penis # # So ifyou've got a vagina # - Ooh! - # A vulva # - Yeee! - # A clitoris # - What is a clitoris? - # And a labia # You see where I'm going with this.
 * 3) Stay the hell away from # # Saudi Arabia ## Whore! Stan! Singing in public, dancing in public, indecent exposure.
 * 1) Days ofauldlangsyne## ## [ Humming ] - [Francine ] Wake up! - What, what, what? Damn! Oh, God, we're all going to die and our lives meant nothing, absolutely nothing! I- I mean, uh, something comforting.