Home Wrecker

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! Franny, please stop that humming or I'm gonna strangle you with your own hair, baby, okay? I like the humming. It shows her pleasant disposition. Francine's morning hums are what help get me out of bed. Thank you, sweetheart. Wanda Sykes is coming to town. Good luck selling out the Civic Auditorium. The Langley Falls Dynamite can't even do that, and they're the best all-male nude revue in the greater Lanceton area. Yeah, but they lost Chocolate Don. Oh, no, no, no, no, Chocolate Don is back. Oh, really? His mom is better? No, she passed. So he's back but he's sad. And what do you have to say for yourself, Metro section? Dad, can't you read the newspaper without talking to it? It puts me off my meal. I like when your father talks to the paper. Makes me feel like I work at Murphy Brown. When will we love the earth as much as we love ourselves? In Gaia's name we ask Ow! You're bleeding! And it's not even that time of the month. Period joke! Hey, babe, we need to pick a design for our new checks. I'm thinking hot rods. We're not putting hot rods on our checks. This is the first thing that both of our names are going to be on as a married couple, okay? We should take this seriously. Okay, if you don't want hot rods, how about hot dogs? How about no. Not the food. I'm talking canines in sexy poses. We'll go with Nelson Mandela. I don't want a football player. He's not a How could you not know who Nelson Mandela is? Idiot. Dummy. Jerk. Whore. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You newlyweds have been fighting an awful lot lately. You two need to model your marriage after a perfect one, like Ours. Ours. You guys?! Your father and I have 20 years of being in perfect sync. We just we go together. We go together like, like Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo We're Stan and Franny, And we go together Like ke-ding-a-de-dinga-dong She's thin and pretty And I love him 'cause he's so big and strong Flim flam fibbity flommy flop Bip bop bap boo boo bah-bee-ee Stan and Franny We go together like Steve's palm And a gallon of Lubriderm I've got a big chin And that goes great with my huge vajinny-jin Bah ba biggity doogah dom Gah zib zib la la far-eed Blib blop blop blee Blah blah, gippity gip ta bot Gip gop galladawot, nippity nip ta doo Moogetee moogetee moogetee moogetee Stop. Where's Roger? I left in the middle of the song. It turned into all gibberish, and I won't be a part of it. we're strong. Where'd you get the food, greaser dude? Greg and Terry's. They're having a big open house to show off their new kitchen. New kitchen? Did they put in a new fridge? Mm-hmm. And did they get a new stove? Yeah. Yeah, they did. And did they put in all-new cabinets? I, uh, I think so. Cabi-nots-ah! All-new cabinets! Preach it, honey. Excus-a me? Oh, a little birdie just told me about all-new floors! Hallelujah! Praise the floors! Whoo, whoo! Okay, okay. Let's go see it! Yeah! Yeah! Let's go! Whoo! Okay, Megan Fox and Seth Rogen come out of a room containing only one chair. Do you sniff the chair? Jamie Foxx is not a Wayans brother. Think fast. Hold up. It looks like we got ourselves a magic moron. You boys ever played a little game called blackjack? Principal Lewis, I think our homeroom hamster is sick. Think fast. It never gets old. Okay, Rain Man, what cards are left in the deck? Three jacks, a king, two eights, and a four, definitely a four. Treat. Next stop, the casino. When Barry signals the deck is hot, you boys sit down and bet strong. Snot, you're Jewish; you'll be in charge of the money. Steve, you'll be in charge of watching Snot because I don't trust Jews. Come on, let's go play some blackjack. Now? But we have geometry class. I'll write you a note. Dear Math Bitch, These kids ain't showing up. Love, your main man. P. S. One plus one equals the two of us. Plus one more would be nice, though. Maybe Jill from the cafeteria or your sister Lisa-- you know, when she's legal. Our cappuccino maker is now built right into the fridge. Ooh, what's this for? Dedicated drawer to bring olives up to Mediterranean room temperature. And look, this cabinet is also a dishwasher. We put our dishes away dirty. Son of a bitch! We did all of this in just under three months. Three months of living hell. It put such a strain on our civil union. We're fortunate to have such a strong relationship. Hey, Mom, maybe you and Dad should redo our kitchen. You two shouldn't even think about a renovation. Are, are you implying our marriage isn't strong enough to withstand a little construction project? survive a home remodel. First of all, don't pretend you're married. It implies equality. Second of all, our marriage can survive anything. Oh, yeah, how about this? If your marriage survives the remodel, we'll pay for the whole thing. But if it doesn't, we get your marriage license. You know that's not going to make your marriage legal. No, I know, but it'll be a moral victory. We'll cross your names out and write our names in, like we did on the Vietnam Memorial. You're on. This'll be easy for us because we're a team. We're we're We're Stan and Franny, And we go together like Hell, no. Hell, no! You do not come in here and start singing a musical on my stage! Terry, calm down. No! If anyone's singing a musical number in this house, it's me. I will sing the cancan song from Irma la Douce and bring you to tears! He'll do it; you better go now. Aah! Five, six, seven, eight! La-la-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la-la- la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Da, da, da, da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da! Well, my weekend's shot. Thank you for this. So you're really going to renovate? That's right. How else are we going to prove to Greg and Terry how strong our marriage is? Seems a little juvenile, but as long as we're getting new cabinets So have you hired a contractor yet? I could do this job for you. Let me show you some of my work. I built the addition onto this home. Did it on time and on budget, including low-flow gumdrop toilets. We're not using you, Roger. We already hired someone. Everyone, meet Uzi Knesset. Hello, hello. An Israeli? All right. Okay, let's get started. What color would you like the kitchen? White. Great, now I have several different shades of white for you to choose from. Snowflake. Mother's Milk. Okay, we'll put a pin in that for now. I'm okay, I-I'm okay. Why is it only me? There's our heavy mixer. Bacon's a little chewy. Yeah, it's raw. The stove doesn't work. What about the, uh, bacon machine? That's what Steve calls his butt when he's making poops. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, I guess so. Have you guys picked your white yet? We're still having a loving debate about it. Okay, what about your style of kitchen, then? Traditional. Modern. Modern? Why do you want modern? It's cool. Don't you want to be cool? I think you know I want to be cool. That's why I bought this. I'm sorry, but I have to put my foot down, Francine. We're going traditional. I've got a foot, too, Stan, and I'm also putting it down in our modern kitchen! Knock-knock. Was that the sounds of marital discord I heard? Just came by to measure your marriage certificate. We want to hang it next to the framed picture of me, when I bumped into Mario Lopez at a Friday's. We were just agreeing lovingly on how easy all these decisions are. We're doing our kitchen traditional with Mother's Milk White. Right, darling? Yes, of course, dear. Great, a decision. So you two boys-- you, uh? Eh? Mm-hmm. Hey, good for you. Live! Dealer busts. You win again. Dyn-o-mite! Principal Lewis, we're raking it in over there. Uh, why are you dressed like an Asian man? I'm in disguise. I'm into these Hong Kong mothers for 22 large and 14 small. They charge $14 for a Reuben here. You know, Knesset, when I did the demo work on 312 Gingerbread Lane, I had to be careful because a load-bearing candy cane was holding up one wall, so I made an I-beam out of half a Kit Kat. You are ugly, smelly, not fun, and just my type. Tell me what I have to do to make you fall in love with me. I've always wanted a bay window. Is that something you can do, Uzi? I can do anything. Okay. Great. Let's put in a bay window. Are you sure? Maybe you want to talk to your husband about it? If he's gonna ram a traditional kitchen down my throat, I'll dump out a bay window on his chest. The Kit Kat melted in the heat wave of '06, so I replaced it with a strawberry Twizzler. You're a dour man, Uzi Knesset, but I love you. I asked you not to, but you built a settlement on my heart. All right, boys, time to have a little fun with the winnings. Gentlemen, we're gonna see boob. Afraid not. I'd like to bring you boys in there, I really would, but the only 14-year-olds allowed in there are performing on the stage. Brian! Ladies! Alfred Hitchcock! Good tail here tonight, Brian. What's going on?! I didn't sign off on a bay window! I did. I figured it would let more light in to see the style of kitchen I didn't want. A bay window, you look at a bay. Through this, you look at I'm really not certain what this is. Well, I like the window, Stan! Well, dumb bitches like dumb things! Stan! Ah, maybe that was excessive. Maybe?! You think maybe, ass-chin! I want to have a say, too. You don't know what you're talking about. I'm so sick and tired of you doing everything your way. This is my house, I know what I'm doing, and if you don't like it, you can take a hike. They're looking. I don't want to lose this bet. Quick. Pretend you're porking me in the sink! We're doing it! 'Cause it's going so well. We've been doing this for weeks, and I'm sick of it. The four of us win tons of money, and Principal Lewis spends it all on lap dances and James lngram CDs. I say screw Lewis. We can count cards on our own, and keep all the money. What do you say? Yeah, screw Lewis! "Yah Mo B There!" Yah mo b there Up and over Yah mo b there Up and over Yah mo b there Whenever you call! Hayley, would you tell your mother I've got a song for her to hum? It's called, "I Threw My Humming Wife Out the Window. She Didn't Die, But She Never Walked Again. " Oh, my God, I'd love to hear the wheelchair boy on Glee sing that. You know he's not a real paraplegic. Isn't that sad? Indigo Girls are opening for Wanda Sykes? A lot of softball-related injuries in that room. Stan, quit boring the newspaper. It's a wonder it still shows up every day, knowing it has to listen to you! Keep your voice down! You want to lose our marriage certificate to the gays? Who cares?! I don't like a traditional kitchen! Well, I don't like bay windows! Well, I don't believe you'll ever sail around the world! Well, I've never even listened to your dreams! I can't stand listening to you! I can't stand looking at you! Dad! I can't stand living with you! Mom! Great! Then move out! I'm not moving out! Well, I'm not moving out! I saw this on a Brady Bunch. You stay on your side, I'll stay on mine. You got it, pal. We'll each decorate our side of the house how we see fit. I've got a date with Sam the Butcher. He's gonna bring me his big, uncut salami. Ah, it was so easy back then. Your side of the house sucks! Why? Because my chairs don't have hooves? Uh, yeah, for starters. Hey, your stupid finger crossed the line. Stay off my side! I can't believe you guys are separated. How are you gonna live like this? Oh, I'm sure your mother will be moving out in no time. How's the smell over there, Franny? Too bad that bay window doesn't open. Our old window opened just fine. Once the mucus plug falls out, the next stage of birth is called the bloody show. Check it out, ladies. Next time your man says he's going out for Pinkberry, you better make sure he's talking about yogurt! No! There. Now we live in completely separate houses. I don't ever have to look at you-- Stan, what do you think of my mural? Three, two, one. Happy New Year! Francine? Oh, Stan. How have you been? A little exhausted celebrating all those holidays in one week just to make each other feel bad. Yeah. So Hey, honey, I found the frozen waffles. Who the hell is this guy? I don't know. Oh, sorry. I thought you were my wife. She's got that same sweater. So, maybe I'll see you around the neighborhood. Yeah. Stan? Yeah? The toilet paper in your cart doesn't work for you. You need the one with the lumberjack on it. Oh. Thanks. Twenty-one?! What a pleasant surprise. We've made over eight grand. What are you gonna do with your share of the money, Barry? Hire a man to kill an abortion doctor. I mean buy video games and bubble gum. I knew it! You backstabbers thought you could count cards without me? Try to cut me out? No, sir, we would never Toshi, now! My Man-chu! Hey, you're Brian Lewis. You owe us 22 large. Kill the kids! They're counting cards! Oh, no. Kill them all! Okay. Just keep quiet. We'll be safe here. Four Berettas, two Glocks, and a Smith & Wesson with a double stack magazine. All 88 shots have been fired. They have no bullets left. Are you sure, Barry? Definitely sure. Okay, then, y'all gonna get cut! Aah! My hip-hop hooray arm! They only fired 87. I knew there was one left. Why, Rain Kid? Never touch a fat boy's candy. Aah! No! Oh, no! Like Bap, diddly diddly doo wap Like Bah-da-be, de-dooh, be-dah Stan? Francine! Stan. Francine! Stan! Francine! Stan! Francine! Stan! Francine! I miss holding you! Start making dinner immediately! Stan! Stan! Francine! Stan! Francine! Stan! Oh! Take a picture. It'll last longer. I love you, Stan. Me, too, baby. But Greg and Terry were right. Our marriage isn't strong enough to survive a remodel. So let's not remodel. Exactly. We're great together, as long as we don't put any stress on our marriage. It's like a rickety bridge that's fine, as long as you don't drive anything heavy over it. You know, I liked the house the way it was. So did I. Imperfect, like us.