De-Zanitized

I SUPPOSE IT VOULD BE VISE TO START AT ZE VERY BEGINNING, JA?

PROCEED.

I WAS ONE OF THE MOS SUCCESSFUL PSYCHOANALYSTS IN ALL OF HOLLYWOOD. 50 YEARS AGO, I STARTED WORK AT WARNER BROTHERS. AHH, WARNER BROTHERS. HOME TO SOME OF THE BIGGEST STARS IN HOLLYWOOD. UH, GOOD MORNING, MR. BIGGEST STAR IN HOLLYWOOD. MORNING, SWEETHEART. UH, MORNING, PORKY. G-G-G-GOO-- MOR-M-M-M-M-M-- [HORN HONKS] ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! HELLO. WHEN THE STARS HAD A PROBLEM, THEY CAME TO ME. SO TELL ME MORE ABOUT THESE DREAMS YOU'VE HAD, MR. REAGAN. IN MY DREAMS, I'M PRESIDEN OF THE UNITED STATES. FOR YEARS, THE BIGGEST ACTORS TOLD ME THEIR PROBLEMS, THEIR SECRETS, THEIR PAIN. OOH! IT WAS SO MUCH FUN. AND THEN, JUST RECENTLY, I HAD JUST COMPLETED A DELIGHTFULLY INTENSE SESSION WITH CLINT EASTWOOD. THEN IT HAPPENED. [CROWD SCREAMS] [WOMAN SHRIEKS] WHAT IS THAT? WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE? IT WAS THEM. THE WARNER BROTHERS. AFTER YEARS OF BEING LOCKED AWAY IN THE WATER TOWER, THEY MANAGED TO ESCAPE. DID YOU MISS US? I HARDLY EVEN KNOW YOU. WE'RE THE WARNER BROTHERS. AND THE WARNER SISTER. UGH! PTOOEY! PTOOEY! PTOOEY! BLECCHH! WHAT DO YOU WANT? WE ASKED YOU FIRST. WELL, I WANT NO, YOU DIDN'T. WELL, WE MEANT TO. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? [DING] DR. OTTO SCRATCHANSNIFF, WORLD-FAMOUS PSYCHOANALYS TO THE STARS? CORRECT. I WON! I WON! WHAT DID I WIN? NOTHING. SAY, WHAT KIND OF GAME SHOW IS THIS? THIS ISN' A GAME SHOW. I'LL SAY IT ISN'T. NOBODY WINS ANYTHING. YOU'LL BE LUCKY TO BE ON ONE WEEK. NURSE! NURSE! YES, DR. SCRATCHANSNIFF? [PANTING] GE THESE KIDS OUT. [PANTING] HELLO, NURSE! AHH. AHH. DISGUSTING! WHY DON'T YOU CUTE LITTLE KIDS FOLLOW ME? AFTER THE WARNER BROTHERS ESCAPED, I WAS ASKED TO SEE THE CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD OF THE STUDIO. THE WARNER BROTHERS ARE WREAKING HAVOC THROUGHOU THIS STUDIO, SCRATCHANSNIFF, AND I WON' HAVE IT! IN ORDER FOR A STUDIO TO RUN EFFICIENTLY, THERE MUST BE ORDER, CALMNESS, CONTROL. THE WARNER BROTHERS HAVE TAKEN THE CALMNESS AND REPLACED I WITH CHAOS. THEY'RE TOO ZANY, SCRATCHANSNIFF. I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS UPSE SINCE WE MADE DON'T TELL MOM THE BABYSITTER'S DEAD. I'VE CHOSEN YOU TO GE THE WARNER BROTHERS UNDER CONTROL. WHY ME? BECAUSE YOU'RE A PSYCHIATRIST, DUMMY. OH. AND SO, I SCHEDULED AN APPOINTMEN WITH THE WARNER BROTHERS. I'LL NEVER FORGE OUR FIRST SESSION. [SNARE DRUM] THE WARNER BROTHERS ARE HERE FOR THEIR 3:00 APPOINTMENT. YOU BE GOOD LITTLE BOYS. MMM. BOYS. HOW YOU DOING, SCRATCHY? I TAKE UMBRAGE AT THAT. SURE. TAKE ALL THE UMBRAGE. DON'T LEAVE US ANY. I MEAN I TAKE OFFENSE. YOU WAN OUR FENCE, TOO? ALL RIGHT, TAKE IT, BUT THAT'S ALL. WE'RE TAPPED OUT. IT'S TIME WE GOT DOWN TO BUSINESS. OUR FIRST QUARTER FIGURES ARE REALLY LOW AS THIS BUSINESS GRAPH WILL HOPEFULLY SHOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WE'RE GETTING DOWN. THE BUSINESS. YOU ALWAYS MAKE THE JOKES. THIS IS NOT GOOD. NO MORE JOKES. YAH. GOOD. NOW PLANT YOURSELVES ON THE COUCH THERE. I SAID NO MORE JOKES. THIS ISN'T A JOKE. IT'S A VISUAL GAG. NO MORE GAGS, JOKES, OR MONKEY STUFF. DEFINE MONKEY STUFF. THE MONKEY STUFF! YOU KNOW. YOU WALKS AROUND LIKE A SILLY MONKEY. OOH! OOH! AAH! AAH! AND YOU BE GOOFY. THAT IS THE MONKEY STUFF. MAYBE YOU SHOULD SEE A P-SYCHIATRIST. I AM A P-SYCH-- I MEAN, A PSYCHIATRIST. UH! AH I KNOW WHAT YOU KIDS WANT. YOU WANT TO TALK TO MR. PUPPETHEAD. [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] I'M MR. PUPPETHEAD. TELL ME WHY YOU ALWAYS MAKE THE JOKES. WHY AREN' YOU TALKING WITH MR. PUPPETHEAD? IT'S VERY EASY. WATCH ME. AHEM. HELLO, MR. PUPPETHEAD. HOW ARE YOU? I AM FINE, DR. SCRATCHANSNIFF. HOW ARE YOU? I'M FINE, MR. PUPPETHEAD. DID YOU HAVE A YUMMY BREAKFAST? OH, YES, VERY YUMMY. THANK YOU. HOW WAS YOUR BREAKFAST? MY BREAKFAS WAS YUMMY AS WELL. SEE, ISN'T THAT EASY? YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE A P-SYCHIATRIST? I AM A P-SYCHI-- I MEAN, PSYCHIATRIST! I AM, I AM! MR. PUPPETHEAD'S HUNGRY. AFTER MUCH RESEARCH, I DECIDED TO MEE WITH EACH WARNER BROTHER INDIVIDUALLY, STARTING WITH THE WARNER BROTHER SISTER, DOT. DOT--MAY I CALL YOU DOT? YEAH, BUT CALL ME DOTTIE, AND YOU DIE. DOT IT IS. I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU SOME PICTURES. TELL ME WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE. WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THIS? YOU'RE NO A VERY GOOD ARTIST. I DIDN'T DRAW THAT. WHOEVER DID NEEDS TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL. IT'S AN INK BLOT. I'LL SAY. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE ANYTHING. YOU DID A VERY GOOD JOB. I DIDN'T DRAW IT! DOESN'T IT LOOK LIKE A LITTLE KITTY CA OR A BUTTERFLY? NO. THAT'S A BUTTERFLY. NOW, THEN, WAKKO. LET'S YOU AND I TALK. O. K. GOOD. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND? MY HAT. NO, NO, YOUR HA IS ON YOUR HEAD. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND? MY SKIN? NO, THAT'S ON YOUR HEAD. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND? OH, I GOT IT. MY HAIR. YOUR HAIR'S ON YOUR HEAD. THIS IS HAIR! IT'S NOT ON MY MIND! IT'S ON MY HEAD! NO, IT'S IN YOUR HAND. LET'S TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT, O. K. ? WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE FEELING? MY SHIRT. NO, THAT'S WHA YOU'RE TOUCHING. WHAT ARE YOU FEELING? MY NOSE? THAT'S WHA YOU'RE TOUCHING! WHAT ARE YOU FEELING? JUST TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL. I FEEL FINE. GOOD. NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE. WOULD YOU CARE TO EXPAND ON THAT? O. K. UH, NO! NOT THAT TYPE OF EXPANDING! STOP IT! EXCUSE ME. NOW, THEN, YAKKO, LET'S DO A LITTLE WORD ASSOCIATION. I'LL SAY A WORD, AND YOU SAY ANY WORD THAT YOU THINK OF, ANY WORD THAT COMES TO MIND. BRAIN. NO, WE HAVEN' STARTED. BEGUN. WAIT. YIELD. NO, STOP! CEASE. SILENCE! QUIET. ENOUGH! PLENTY. WOULD YOU PLEASE LISTEN? HEAR. NO, YOU STUPID KID! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. COMPREHEND. AAH! GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT! LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE. OOH! THOSE KIDS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY! INSANE, UNHINGED, DEMENTED. [CRYING] AND THIS IS HOW IT'S BEEN. THEY IS ALWAYS DRIVING ME KOOKY IN THE KOPF, AND THEY'RE STILL NOT DEZANITIZED. AM I CRAZY, DOCTOR? YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM ACUTE WARNERITIS. AAH! WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?

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