Threat Level Midnight (Film Version)

[incomplete]] Threat Level Midnight is a film-within an episode of The Office (US). It is found in the Season 7 DVD Bonus Features.


 * Assassin: I got a delivery for you.
 * Michael Scarn: Leave it at the reception.
 * Assassin: I'm supposed to deliver this one in person. [The Assassin shoots at Scarn multiple times while Scarn dodges them until the bullets run out. Scarn shows off his two pistols and kills the Assassin]
 * Michael Scarn: Clean up on aisle five.
 * Narrator: Michael Scarn? Well, that is an interesting story. He was once the best secret agent in the business. That was years ago. Where is he now? Well, that's also an interesting story.
 * Samuel L. Chang: Master Scarn. Master Scarn?
 * Michael Scarn: Let me dream. [Samuel uses cymbals] I'm up.
 * Samuel L. Chang: It's the President. He needs you for a mission.
 * Michael Scarn: Tell him I'm retired.
 * Samuel L. Chang: It's Goldenface. The man who killed-
 * Michael Scarn: Don't say her name! Goldenface. This makes it personal.
 * President Jackson: Scarn. You're right on time.
 * Michael Scarn: What's the situation, President Jackson?
 * President Jackson: It's your old enemy, Goldenface. As you're aware, Goldenface tried to blow up the NFL All-star game, the baseball All-star game, and the NBA All-star game. You stopped him every time. Then, you took one day off to run a 20K with your friend Robin Williams.
 * Michael Scarn: One day off.
 * President Jackson: That was the day of the WNBA All-star game. We all know what happened then.
 * Michael Scarn: My wife was in that game.
 * President Jackson: Now, he's after the NHL All-star game. He's hidden a bomb somewhere in the stadium. Scarn, this one's personal for me. I own the stadium. I can't see it blown up. It's my retirement plan.
 * Samuel L. Chang: We have to search the stadium.
 * President Jackson: Not so fast. Goldenface has taken all of the concession stand workers hostage. We go in, he kills the hostages.
 * Samuel L. Chang: Why not just cancel the game?
 * President Jackson: Costs them too much money to cancel the game.
 * Michael Scarn: Money. It's always about money, isn't it? If I ever own a business, I'm not caring about money.
 * President Jackson: Scarn, will you find these hostages and save the game?
 * Michael Scarn: No, I don't think it's important enough. Just out of curiosity, what threat level is this?
 * President Jackson: I can't sugarcoat this. We are at threat level... midnight.
 * Michael Scarn: Heads, I do it, tails, I don't. Best out of seven. Heads, tails, heads, tails, heads, tails. [He flips his coin one last time, which lands on heads] Looks like there's going to be a clean up on aisle five.
 * Narrator: Well, the hostages were scared.
 * Kelly: Help!
 * Roy: Help!
 * Kelly: Help!
 * Roy: HEEEELP!!
 * Kevin: Don't you guys get it? Nobody's coming for us!
 * Goldenface: Oh, someone's coming, alright! The only man who would care, Michael Scarn.
 * Sandra: Why are you doing this, Goldenface?
 * Goldenface: Why? See, I'm going to lure him here. Then, I'm gonna kill everybody. Then, I'm gonna dig up Scarn's dead wife and I'm gonna hump her real good! Hahahaha! Right now, I'm going to do some drugs. So, don't try anything. [Goldenface leaves the area, leaving the hostages behind]
 * Roy: We need to choose a leader. Someone who's tough enough to take on Goldenface.
 * Sandra: I could be the leader.
 * Kevin: What makes you so tough?
 * Sandra: I have experience as a leader, a negotiator, a general and a cop. In other words, I'm a mom.
 * Toby: It'll be Sandra.
 * Kevin: Listen. It doesn't matter who's leader. It's every man for himself down here.
 * Goldenface: [He returns] Those drugs really hit the spot. So, you guys chosen a leader yet?
 * Sandra: Gulp!
 * Narrator: Well, the All-star game was three days away. So, naturally, it was all sold out. The only way Scarn was getting in was in a uniform. Just one problem with that. Scarn didn't know a hockey stick from a Slim Jim. So, he went to meet with the famed trainer Cherokee Jack.
 * Cherokee Jack: Mop the ice.
 * Michael Scarn: I'm not here to learn how to mop. I'm here to learn how to play hockey.
 * Cherokee Jack: Mop it.
 * Michael Scarn: What is the point of this?
 * Cherokee Jack: Mop the ice! [Scarn goes through a training montage set to "Running On Ice" by Billy Joel] Now, take this.
 * Michael Scarn: What do I do with this?
 * Cherokee Jack: Mop. [Scarn shows off his improved hockey skills]
 * Narrator: Well, Michael Scarn was quickly becoming one of the hottest hockey players in the country.
 * Tryout Announcer: Now, as you all know, each year, the National Hockey League accepts one civilian amateur to play in the All-star game. It's down to the three of you. The final test is speed skating. On your marks, get set-
 * Goldenface: Die! [Scarn skates and shoots at Goldenface and vice versa before the latter throws his pistol]
 * Michael Scarn: Nice try, Goldenface. Except you forgot one thing to kill me.
 * Goldenface: I wasn't trying to kill you. I was trying to slow you down. [Scarn sees the third man with the medal]
 * Michael Scarn: No!
 * Goldenface: Oh, by the way.
 * Michael Scarn: Yeah?
 * Goldenface: How's your wife doing? Hahahaha! [Scarn stands by a mirror, hearing voices of his past] You're not going to the All-Star game.
 * Male Voice: Save those hostages!
 * Michael Scarn: [In his mind] Catherine, don't die on me!
 * Goldenface: [In Scarn's mind] How's your wife doing? Hahahaha! [Scarn breaks the mirror with his fist]
 * Michael Scarn: NO! [He sees the Champion with his medal and USA towel] Congratulations.
 * Tryout Champion: Hey, you came in second. Not bad, either.
 * Michael Scarn: I am so sorry, I have to do this. [He tries to strangle the Champion with the towel] I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry! [The Champion couldn't hold his breath, which made Scarn cry] No!
 * Narrator: Well, old Michael Scarn made the team alright. But the celebration didn't last long, as he still had to find them dang hostages.
 * Samuel L. Chang: I'm intercepting a name. Jasmine Windsong. She works for Goldenface. But what I can't figure out is who is the Funky Cat?
 * Michael Scarn: Not who, what. The Funky Cat is the hippest jazz club in town. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it.