Brinky

Brain: BEHOLD, PINKY, THE LIVING CELL. A SIMPLE MASS OF CONTRACTILE PROTOPLASM. YET WITHIN ITS CORE LIES AN INFINITELY COMPLEX BLUEPRINT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS, PINKY? PINKY?

AND 3 REPEATS. MAKE IT SO. ENGAGE. NUMBER 1, NUMBER 2, NUMBER 3.

OHH.

DO YOU FEEL IT?

I DO, JEAN-LUC. I FEEL IT. NARF!

SET BUTTOCKS TO "STUN." [BREATHING HARD]

WHOA--WHOA-OH! [GRUNTING] CAREFUL, BRAIN, YOU KNOW I'M STILL RECOVERING FROM A PULLED MUSCLE.

THE ONE IN YOUR HEAD?

EXACTLY! IT WAS LAST WEEK, WHEN I HAD THE IDEA. HMMNOW, WHAT WAS IT? OH! I DID IT AGAIN. NARF!

WELL, BEFORE YOU INJURE YOURSELF FURTHER, ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU OF MY IDEA, ONE INVOLVING THE LOWEST, SIMPLEST, MOST ELEMENTAL UNIT OF LIFE.

EGAD, BRAIN, PAULY SHORE!

A VALID GUESS, BUT, NO, PINKY. I SPEAK OF CLONING, THE REPLICATION OF A COMPLEX INDIVIDUAL ORGANISM FROM A SINGLE CELL. COME THIS WAY, PINKY. A CELL FROM A TISSUE SAMPLE I TOOK FROM A MYSTERIOUS AND SECRET LOCATION.

FOUND IT! HOO HOO HA HA!

HAVE YOU LISTENED TO ANYTHING I'VE SAID?

OH, YES, "CLOWNING, ORGAN MUSIC," BLAH BLAH BLAH--ZORT!

[SIGHS] WHY DO I EVEN TRY? WITH THESE MULTIPHASIC TRANSREPLICLONATOR PODS, I SHALL CREATE A SINGLE CLONE IN MY OWN IMAGE.

Brain and images: AFTER A MODICUM OF STUDY, I WILL TAKE A NEW SAMPLE FROM THE PROTOTYPE AND MAKE 2 MORE CLONES. THEN THEY'LL MAKE 2 CLONES, AND THEY'LL MAKE 2 CLONES, AND SO ON AND SO ON AND--WELL, YOU GET THE IDEA. THINK OF IT, PINKY. THOUSANDS OF ME, ALL WORKING TOWARD THE SAME GOAL.

A ONE-MAN SHOW?

NO, PINKY. THOUSANDS OF ME TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

EGAD, BRAIN! YOU MEAN--

YES, PINKY. I'M FRANCHISING.

BRILLIANT! ZORT! OH, CAN I HELP, BRAIN? OH, PLEASE SAY I CAN HELP. I WON'T LET YOU DOWN, I PROMISE! NARF! PLEASE, BRAIN, DON'T MAKE ME BEG! [SOBBING]

OF COURSE NOT. I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO DEBASE YOURSELF. VERY WELL, YOU MAY HELP.

[ALARM BEEPING]

OH! SORRY, BRAIN, NO CAN DO. TIME FOR THAT HOME PEDICURE I'VE BEEN PROMISING MESELF. MAYBE NEXT TIME. TRA LA LA LA

[GROWLS] YES, PINKY. DON'T EVER LOSE YOUR KEEN SENSE OF PRIORITIES. HUH? UNH! PINKY, QUICKLY, I NEED YOU!

JUST A SEC, BRAIN. I'M DRYING. WHOA! [HUMMING]

UNH! PINKY! PUSH, PINKY, PUSH!

[DOING LAMAZE BREATHING] HOO HOO HEE HEE! HOO HOO HEE HEE!

Computer: FILE'S DONE. YOU'VE GOT A MALE.

OH, BRAIN, HE'S-HE'S POIT! ADORABLE.

YESSS!

SO, WHAT WE GOING TO CALL HIM, BRAIN?

YES, ITS NAME.

HMM WAIT, WAIT, I KNOW. UM, LET'S CALL HIM SOCKS! OH, WAIT, NO, NO, NO. THAT'S WHAT I CALL MY SOCKS. UM, HMM, LET'S SEE. UH, "K" IS A GOOD LETTER. NOTHING MORE VIRILE THAN A NAME THAT STARTS WITH "K." HA HA! KAKAKA OH, I'VE GOT IT! MANDINGO!

WE'RE NOT CALLING IT MANDINGO. SINCE IT REPRESENTS THE FIRST PHASE OF MY PLAN, WE'LL CALL IT ROMAN NUMERAL ONE.

ROMAN NUMERAL ONE. ROMAN-ROMY! Narf! BRAVO! TERRIFIC NAME, BRAIN. NARF! ROMY, ROMY, RO-O-OMY! HA HA HA!

IT'S "ROMAN NUMERAL ONE."

OHH, THEY GROW UP SO FAST.

YES. CLONES DEVELOP AT A HYPER-ACCELERATED RATE UNTIL REACHING ADULT STATURE.

OH. LIKE MICHAEL CRICHTON.

AND BY THE TIME I'M THROUGH WITH ITS TRAINING, IT SHALL BE CUNNING, RUTHLESSLY BRILLIANT, AND POSSIBLY DEADLY.

OH. LIKE MICHAEL CRICHTON.

THERMOGALVANOMETER. MAGNETOHYDRODYNAMICS. MAG-NET-O HY-DRO DY-NAM-ICS. ODD. IT WAS CLONED FROM ME. ITS INTELLECT SHOULD BE IDENTICAL TO MY OWN.

WELL, PERHAPS IF YOU STARTED WITH SOMETHING LESS TAXING TO HIS LITTLE BRAIN, BRAIN. BRAIN?

SUCH AS?

PAT THE BUNNY!

PINKY, DO YOU REALIZE HOW THAT INANE DRIVEL COULD DISRUPT ITS NEURAL PROGRAMMING?

OH, FIDDLY-POSH, I WAS RAISED ON PAT THE BUNNY.

SOMETIMES YOU MAKE IT TOO EASY FOR ME, PINKY. ALL RIGHT, ROMAN NUMERAL ONE, LET'S TRY IT AGAIN. NEUROFIBROMATOSIS.

UH...

NEUROFIBROMATOSIS.

UHUH

YES, THAT'S IT! LET THE COMMAND OF LANGUAGE LIBERATE YOUR MIND!

UHUH UHH NARF.

NARF?

HIS FIRST WORD, BRAIN--NARF! HA HA HA!

Romy: ZORT. FIDDLY-POSH.

Pinky: NARF! ZORT! FIDDLY-POSH! EGAD! OH-HO, SECONDS!

STOP IT, PINKY, STOP IT! YOUR INFLUENCE IS CORRUPTING MY PROTOTYPE.

BUT, BRAIN-

PINKY! UH, SORRY, BRAIN. I'LL JUST SADLY SLINK AWAY, THEN, SHALL I? POIT.

POIT.

SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG. I'VE GOT-- GOT TO THINK. "UNKNOWN CONTAMINATION"? "DNA STRANDS MERGED"? SEARCH FOR CONTAMINATION. WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL WHICH IS GOOD AND SWEET IN ODIN'S BEARD IS THAT? RECONSTRUCT. BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID. PINKY! LOOK! ONE OF YOUR ERRANT NAIL CLIPPINGS BEFOULED MY TISSUE SAMPLE! MY CLONE IS A PRODUCT OF OUR MERGED DNA. DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?

[GASPS] I'M A MOMMY! [LAUGHING AND CRYING] I'M A MOMMY! OH, I'M A MOMMY!

PINKY, THAT'S ABSURD. YOU'RE NOTHING OF THE KIND. ITS CHROMOSOMAL MAKEUP JUST HAPPENS TO INCLUDE BOTH OF OUR GENETIC BUILDING BLO-- AAH! OH, MY LORD, YOU ARE ITS MOMMY.

INFORMATION? YES, HELLO. I'D LIKE THE NUMBER OF THE LA LECHE LEAGUE, PLEASE. [PINKY HUMMING]

PINKY, I'M GOING TO REGRET ASKING YOU THIS, BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, I'M MAKING A REFRIGERATOR, BRAIN.

WHY?

TO HANG ROMY'S LOVELY DRAWING.

PINKY!

WE HAVE TO, BRAIN. DR. SPOCK SAYS RIGHT HERE, IT IS IMPORTANT FOR THE CHILD'S SELF-ESTEEM.

ROMAN NUMERAL ONE IS NOT OUR CHILD. IT'S AN EXPERIMENT. MY EXPERIMENT. HOPEFULLY, IT POSSESSES ENOUGH OF MY DNA TO STILL MAKE A VALUABLE PROTOTYPE FOR MY NEW MOUSE MASTER RACE.

Romy: GLARB. NYA HA HA!

THEN AGAIN ROMAN NUMERAL ONE, COME HERE.

YEAH?

I PREFER "AFFIRMATIVE." WHAT IS THAT?

THIS? OH, TARAXACUM OFFINALE.

[COUGHS] STOP! I'M TERRIBLY ALLERGIC! NOW, AFTER CAREFUL ANALYSIS, I'VE CONCLUDED THAT YOUR TRAINING IS COMPLETE.

FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW--

YOU ARE NOW READY TO ASSIST ME IN MY PLAN FOR WORLD CONQUEST.

UH, YEAH, YEAH, ABOUT THAT, YOU SEE, I-I'VE BEEN PONDERING THIS WHOLE, UH, "TAKING OVER THE WORLD" IDEA YOU GOT A JONES FOR. [SIGHS] LIKE, DON'T YOU SEE THE NARFNESS OF IT? UH, I JUST GOT TO SAY PASS, BRO.

WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, PASS?

AND WHO'S THIS JONES CHARACTER? DO WE KNOW HIS PARENTS?

I JUST WANT TO DO SOMETHING A LITTLE, YOU KNOW, MORE IMPORTANT WITH MY LIFE.

NO MORE TALKY-TALK. LOVELY CAKE, YUM YUM! COME AND GET IT, HA!

WHAT, PRAY TELL, IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN TAKING OVER THE WORLD?

I DON'T KNOW, I JUST, UH I WANT TO BE A VENTRILOQUIST.

A VENTRILOQUIST. OH, YES, OF COURSE. CERTAINLY, THAT'S A GROWTH INDUSTRY. PERHAPS YOU CAN USE PINKY AS YOUR DUMMY!

OH, NO, NOT ME. I WAS BLACKLISTED DURING THE CHARLIE McCARTHY HEARINGS.

YOU SEE? NO SUPPORT. YOU TREAT ME LIKE SOME KIND OF LAB EXPERIMENT.

YOU ARE A LAB EXPERIMENT. AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT? I'VE BEEN ONE ALL MY LIFE, AND LET ME TELL YOU, IN MY DAY, WE DIDN'T HAVE IT NEARLY AS GOOD.

OH, HE'S RIGHT, ROMY. THEY USED TO KEEP US IN A CAGE WITH AN EXERCISE WHEEL, FEEDING US NOTHING BUT PELLETS AND WATER. IT WAS HORRIBLE! CAKE?

PINKY, YOUR HEAD WOULD MAKE A WONDERFUL ANT FARM.

AND YOU TWO-- BICKER, BICKER, BICKER! IT'S LIKE WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF?

I AM. WHOO. THAT WOMAN GIVES ME THE WILLIES.

LISTEN, MISTER, IF YOU DON'T LIKE THINGS AROUND HERE, HARD CHEESE. MY CAGE, MY RULES.

GLARB.

GLARB. WHAT IS GLARB? THIS IS YOUR INFLUENCE, PINKY.

ME? OH, NOT ONCE HAVE I SAID GLARB. OOP! GLARB!

THAT'S IT. NO MORE PAT THE BUNNY, NO MORE MOONWALK PARTIES, NO MORE GAMES OF "WHAT'S THAT SMELL?"! AND NO MORE--

ROMY? [CAGE OPENS] HE'S GONE.

HE'S RUN AWAY. NO, WE DROVE HIM AWAY. OH, BRAIN! I'M TURNING OUT TO BE JUST LIKE MY MOTHER! ALL WHITE AND COVERED WITH FUR! YOU'VE GOT TO GO AFTER HIM, BRAIN. FOR GOSH SAKE, HE'S YOUR CLONE!

I HAVE NO CLONE.

[CRYING] [SOBBING HYSTERICALLY] AAH! [BLOWS NOISILY] BRAIN, YOU CAN'T GO ON WORKING YOURSELF LIKE THIS. YOU HAVEN'T EATEN OR SLEPT SINCE ROMY RAN AWAY. POIT! I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE. OH, WAIT! IT'S COMING BACK! NO. NO, CAN'T REMEMBER.

WE MUST FIND MY CLONE!

HMM. I'VE TAKEN US TO EVERY PLACE A YOUNG RUNAWAY WOULD GO. M.I.T., THE FRANKLIN MINT, PAT HARRINGTON'S DINNER THEATER. APPARENTLY, ROMAN'S NOT THINKING LIKE ME. PINKY, ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING?

I THINK SO, BRAIN, BUT PETE ROSE? I MEAN, CAN WE TRUST HIM?

NO, PINKY. HE MUST BE THINKING LIKE YOU.

HMM. LET'S SEE: WHERE WOULD I GO IF I WERE RUNNING AWAY? OH! OH! POIT AGAIN, BRAIN!

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS]

[SLURP] HEY, HERB, HOW ABOUT A GAME?

YEAH, OK, PEACHES.

I GOT WINNER. HEY, DON McLEAN, THE LEVEE IS DRY.

WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF CIRCUS FREAK?

YEAH. I'M JO-JO, THE THIRSTY BOY.

OK, BUT NO CHECKS THIS TIME.

Herb: HEY, BUNNY.

I TOLD YOU, HERB--

IT'S 'ERB.

WE'RE THROUGH.

THEN GIVE ME MY RING BACK. ALL OF THEM. YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE, BUNNY.

BUNNY?

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, YOU--YOU

CIRCUS FREAK.

CIRCUS FREAK, EH?

LEAVE THE LITTLE GUY ALONE!

OH, BUNNY ANOTHER FREAK? JUST LIKE YOUR LAST BOYFRIEND.

HE WASN'T A FREAK.

OH, YEAH? THE BEARDED MAN WHO BREATHED AIR AND FLOATED IN THE WATER NOT A FREAK? AND NOW THIS?

AHEM. ACTUALLY, I'M A CLONED LAB MOUSE--

HERB, YOU'RE A PSYCHOTIC, DELUSIONAL PARANOID WITH A PROTO-USER MENTALITY AND SADISTIC CONTROLLER TENDENCIES.

IT'S 'ERB. OW! HE BIT ME! THE CIRCUS FREAK BIT ME!

THAT'S RIGHT. NOW, YOU'RE A CIRCUS FREAK.

AAH!

ANYBODY ELSE WANT A LITTLE CIRCUS IN THEIR BLOOD?

AAH! AAH! AAH!

I'VE HAD MY SHOTS. BITE ME.

YES.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS, GIRLFRIEND, IF YOU WANT YOUR CHILD BACK, THEN YOU GOT TO BACK YOUR CHILD, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

[CHEERING]

YES. WELL, BE THAT AS IT MAY, YOUNG LADY, WE'RE SIMPLY HERE TO LET OUR YOUNG CLONE ROMAN KNOW WE WANT HIM TO COME BACK HOME.

WHOO! I'M DOWN WITH THAT! WHOO! NARF!

PINKY, PLEASE!

TALK TO THE HAND! TALK TO THE HAND!

AND IF IT ISN'T TOO MUCH TROUBLE, MISS LAKE, PLEASE ASK YOUR AUDIENCE TO REFRAIN FROM ADDRESSING ME AS "GIRLFRIEND."

WE'LL RETURN WITH OUR FURRY DELUSIONAL ALBINO MEN, DISCUSS THEIR PROBLEM, AND GIVE THEM FANTASY MAKEOVERS.

WE'VE TRIED EVERYTHING I CAN PONDER. I FEAR WE'LL NEVER SEE ROMAN AGAIN.

OHH! A LETTER FROM ROMY! "DEAR PINKY"

JUST "PINKY"?

AFRAID SO.

HMM. "DEAR PINKY, HELLO. HA HA. NARF. DON'T LET BRAIN READ THIS."

I WON'T, ROMY. GO ON, BRAIN.

"I'M AS HAPPY AS A TICK IN A "TICK AMUSEMENT PARK, "SO PLEASE DON'T TRY TO FIND ME."YOUR CLONE, ROMY. 135 South Moment Street, APARTMENT 2F."

OH, BRAIN, HE COULD BE ANYWHERE!

PINKY, HE REALLY IS YOUR SON.

IT'S TROUBLING TO THINK OF ROMAN LIVING IN SUCH BOHEMIAN SQUALOR. PROBABLY CRAWLING WITH VERMIN.

WELL, WELL, LOOK WHO'S HERE. MY TWO DADS. SAGET AND COULIER.

OH, PLEASE TELL ME HE'S SAGET.

Bunny: WHO'S AT THE DOOR, BABE?

ROMAN, WHO IS THIS PERSON? MY GIRLFRIEND--BUNNY. WELL, MY REAL NAME'S PAT, BUT EVERYBODY CALLS ME BUNNY.

PAT, THE BUNNY! HA, PERFECT! NARF. HOO HOO, PAT THE BUNNY! HA HA HA!

THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS. YOU'RE A LAB MOUSE. SHE'S A HUMAN.

OH, LABELS! DO WE HAVE TO JUDGE OTHERS ON THEIR RACE, RELIGION, AND COLOR OF THEIR FUR? CAN'T WE ALL JUST BE?

SAVE IT FOR YOUR ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, MISS SARANDON. ROMAN, WE NEED TO TALK. BADLY.

BRAIN, THIS PLACE-

YES, PINKY. IT'S LIKE SOMETHING THAT GUGGENHEIM THREW UP.

THEN FED TO ITS YOUNG.

SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?

WELL, UM WHAT I WANTED TO SAY IS I'VE REALIZED THAT WELL, WHEN I WAS A BOY, I I BELIEVE IT WAS EURIPIDES WHO TOLD HIS, UH, CLONE THAT, UM, WHEN IN THE COURSE OF HUMAN EVENTS-

APOLOGY ACCEPTED. LOOK, WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO IS YOU WANT ME TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD, AND PINKY WANTS ME TO WRAP MY TOES IN STRING CHEESE, BUT FACE IT, MAN, THAT'S NOT ME.

NO, BECAUSE, UH YOU'RE A-- A VENTRILOQUIST.

[CRIES] OH, THIS IS SO SAVANNAH. SO, BACK TO THE LAB, THEN. WE KEPT YOUR CORNER OF THE CAGE EXACTLY AS YOU LEFT IT, ROMY. EXCEPT FOR EVERYTHING BEING IN A BOX AND SHOVED IN A CLOSET SOMEWHERE.

HEY, I'M NOT GOING BACK. THE LAB WILL ALWAYS BRING BACK FEELINGS OF DISAPPOINTMENT. MAN, I'M SICK OF DISAPPOINTMENT! AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE TAKING A YEAR OFF TO FOLLOW THE GRATEFUL DEAD.

DO YOU WANT TO TELL HIM, OR SHALL I?

I WILL, BRAIN. HAVE FUN! NARF.

THANKS, BRAIN.

CALL ME DAD. BUT, DON'T GET EXCITED. IT'S SIMPLY AN ACRONYM FOR "DERIVATION OF APPLIED DNA."

AND YOU CAN CALL ME PINKY. IT'S AN ACRONYM FOR PA-E-N-K-E.

NARF.

GLARB.

BRAIN, PROMISE ME WE'LL HAVE ANOTHER SOMEDAY.

PINKY, PLEASE. WE MUST GET BACK TO THE LAB. THE NIGHT IS YOUNG. THERE'S STILL TIME.

TO DO WHAT, BRAIN?

THE SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY. TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

OHH, NOT TONIGHT, BRAIN. I HAVE A HEADACHE.

THEY'RE DINKY, THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN.