The Matrimonial Metric


 * Sheldon: You know, I don't know how I feel about all this baby-proofing. If Halley can't teach herself to walk down the stairs, then maybe that's nature's way of saying the Wolowitz line ends here.


 * Sheldon: My mother is pushing for my brother, Georgie, to be my best man, and I hate to disappoint her again. I already rejected her savior and her LinkedIn invitation.


 * Sheldon: So as to not upset any of you further, I've asked Stuart to be my best man, and he's agreed. You're all still invited to the bachelor party. Uh, he's thinking Costco and the theme is browsing.


 * Leonard: Hey, what you making?
 * Penny: Uh, well, I spelled the cheese packet so we’re having mac and nothing.
 * Leonard: Oh. Well, I’ll just have the mac. Nothing gives me gas.
 * Penny: Why are you in such a good mood?
 * Leonard: I just talked to Sheldon. He apologized for the tests and asked me to be his best man.
 * Penny: Uh, great after all you’ve done for him, he should’ve asked you.
 * Leonard: And Amy’s you’re best friend. I’m sure she’ll come around to her senses and pick you.
 * Penny: Okay, she’s not my best friend. We’re not twelve. If she wants Bernadette to be her maid of honor I don’t really care.
 * Leonard: Sounds like you care.
 * Penny: No, I mean it’s just annoying. You know we talk every day. We see each other all the time. She’s always there for me, basically-Oh my God. Amy’s my best friend.
 * Leonard: You okay?
 * Penny: No, my best friend didn’t ask me to be her maid of honor. I’m pissed.

[In apartment 4B, immediately afterwards]
 * Howard: So bottom line, what you did was wrong and cruel which the mother of my child finds oddly appealing.
 * Amy: So she still wants to be my maid of honor?
 * Howard: Maid of honor, hit woman, whatever you need. Make the call.
 * Penny: [Storms in.] Look, I know this is your wedding and you can do whatever you want, but if you think anyone but me is gonna to be your maid of honor then you’re an idiot since you are my best friend.
 * Howard: Too late, Bernad..
 * Amy: [Pushes Howard aside and runs over to hug Penny extremely happily.] Bestie!!