Roots

Feeling a little tired of America's number-one sport, football? God, they're pathetic! There's got to be a better way. And there already is. Arena Football! Unforgiving sideline barriers! Water cannons! And you better watch out for the Black Knight! It's Arena Football. And the indoor thrills are coming your way as the league welcomes its newest expansion team -- the Langley Falls Bazooka Sharks! Finally! Yeah! Yeah! Ah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good -- Good morning, U. S. A. Aah! Old Man Hansen, do you sell Bazooka Sharks merchandise? I'm looking for one of those snuggies with a built-in diaper and a place I can put my driver's license. That blasted Arena Football team! We've been here three generations, and now they're tearing us down to put in the new stadium. You poor old man. This lamp sucks. I'll give you 2 bucks for it. Mom! That is disgusting. Taking advantage of -- wait. Half off this bird cage? Please, I could really use this. I foster abused birds. I'd like to put a candle in it. I still have one shot to save the store. There's a town council meeting about the stadium tonight. Tonight, eh? Oh, I'll be there. Please don't come if you're gonna support the stadium. It's too late. What's to become of you with the store closing, Petruchio? It could-a be time to find the guy who killed my brother. Mm, now, what is this lining? Is a fine Bemberg lining, Mr. Steve. Bemberg, not silk. Well, you've been right about this kind of thing before. Snot went nuts for me in Paisley. Inseam always-a 20 inches. I-is that unusual? You see, all the other boys -- bum, bum, bum, they are growing. You -- bum, bum, bum. You hear the difference? They go on to men's-a department. But you stay with Petruchio. Y-you're telling me I'm not growing at all? Not in two years. And it says it's been-a three days since-a you poop. Let me see that book. A-never. I am not growing! Look! Nothing's happening! Yeah, when we flew to Hawaii last summer, you sat on dad's lap for free. I haven't grown in years. And it's actually quite liberating. Gives me time to focus on all my other shit. B-b-but what if I never grow again? Look, if you really want to do something, I know a doctor who specializes in growth treatments. A specialist -- that's where the money is. I should probably talk to my dad about this. Steve, you want to talk? Oh, yeah. I wanted to ask you -- There's no time. Your mother and I have to hurry down to the town council meeting. I hope they let me speak. I didn't put my name on a list or anything. Of course they'll let you, honey. You're tall. You're right. I'm to be taken seriously. Oh, Steve, that really ties into what you were talking about earlier. The sign outside needs to be updated. And I say we just break the glass instead of continuing this preposterous 30-year search for the key. And I say the key is still out there. Agreed. We'll now hear the last of the community objections to the Arena Football stadium. First up is Old Man Hansen. Good people of Langley Falls, I ask you to join me in standing up to the no-good crooks on our city council. These bums are lining their pockets with their dirty deals, and they need to be hogtied and thrown down a well! Sorry. I'm a little nervous. You're doing great. It's important for Langley Falls to protect our historic places. Also, while I'm up here, my name isn't Old Man Hansen. It's Olmen -- Olmen Hansen. It's Swedish. I'm 43. I think we've all heard just about enough from Old Man H. He doesn't know what he's talking about. If you don't count our two hockey teams and our championship basketball squad -- Go Lizards -- we have no indoor sports in this town. We need indoor sports for the times when it's raining! Look at this beautiful vision of the future. It's time for us to join the ranks of the other great cities in the arena league mid-Atlantic conference. I'm talking Wilkes-Barre, Harrisburg, Wilmington. [Bleep] Wilmington! Great cities have to move forward. And you know what else has to move forward? Uh, parades? Sharks. Bazooka Sharks. Wow. Parades isn't wrong. We can't go back to the past. We can't go back to a time before Arena Football. No go back! All: Wait, what is this? Oh, just some tree that's gonna be cut down to make way for the arena. I'd like to go back on my previous statement. But no go back. This stadium cannot happen. Mr. Smith, you've made a passionate case in favor of progress, and now, before us and God and the Langley charter, you mysteriously reverse your position? You are, simply put, the most electric speaker I've ever seen. I-I just think we're, uh, rushing into things. That's what I'm saying. Can someone put grandpa to bed? I'm trying to talk here. We went to high school together! Let's get real, you guys. Do we even want this stadium? Arena Football is kind of lame. Mr. Smith, what is really going on here? It obviously has something to do with that tree. Now, come on. You can talk to us. We're your town council. We love you. All right. If you must know, that tree that tree is my father. What does that even mean? It means he's half tree. Question is, what's the other half? Order, order. Stenographer, can you read those last parts back? And then Mr. Smith said, "That tree is my father," at which point, the stenographer blacked out from excitement and the record stops. I apologize to the council. I ate some almonds. I'm good now. Mr. Smith, I think we're ready to hear what you mean when you say this tree is your father. Okay. I'll tell you. I was just a little -- I was just -- Is everyone comfortable? I was just a little kid. The father-son picnic. And, as usual, my dad, Jack, was the only one who didn't show up. I felt so alone. But then -- then I wasn't. After that, I came back everyday after school. I know this sounds crazy, but the tree raised me. He taught me how to play catch. He watched me grow. He helped me start my first business, even gave me my product. Turns out magnolia juice is as poisonous as it is delicious. And no matter what, he kept me safe. His mighty roots connected me to something constant, something I could depend on, when so often life is cruel and unreliable. He has been and always will be there for me. Please don't kill my tree daddy. My God, Stan. How come I've never heard of this tree father before? I've brought you there tons of time. I made us have our wedding there. Oh. I just thought you were a cheap asshole. In light of new facts and emotions, I move to cancel the stadium construction. All in favor? Aye. All opposed? It's Dom Fikowski, the asphalt king. He runs asphalt in this town. Don't you think I know that? Y'all know me. Y'all know what I do. I sling the hot stuff, the flat makings, the stone carpet. I'm sure you folks are hearing a lot of objections to the arena. Taxes, traffic, crime -- so much crime. Crime is a problem. Think of the advantages from an asphalt-pouring standpoint. With the new parking lots alone, we're looking at two square miles of sizzling-hot tarmac. When the sun starts beating on it, the average temperature around town is gonna go up 10 degrees. With all the balmy, roasting breezes, it's gonna feel like we're on permanent vacation. Ooh. And if you're still on the fence, allow me to get you off the fence with some free asphalt. Aw! It burns. The stadium is back on. Roger, you can't build the stadium. You're standing here in a parking lot I poured, asking me not to pour asphalt? Pouring asphalt is what I do, Stan. If you do this, it would mean the death of my dad tree. Ugh. I really wanted this pour. But out of respect for our friendship, I'll withdraw my bid, kill the project, and save your tree. We did it, tree dad. They're not gonna cut you down. And it's all thanks to Roger. That paper boy always finds me. It's 'cause I'm in love with you. "Stadium off to the races. " What? "Carconi brothers pick up construction bid after Fikowski drops out. " Carconi brothers. I knew it would be you. You have to cancel this project. You promised. But I don't control anything around here. I'm just dumb old Frankie. My twin brother, Freddie's, the boss, and what he says goes. I screw up a lot. Stupid Frankie. So, your twin brother is who I have to talk to? So tedious. Damn it, Frankie! You just let some nut come in and open my plywood door? He was so fast, Freddie. You have a human brother? Oh, yeah. And mama just loves Freddie. She lets him have sex with girls but puts my ear to the stove for playing with the chickens. How's that figure, you stupid mama? I'm sorry mama. I-I-I can't get into this right now. You can't tear down my tree father. I can't stop it. I'm drowning in bulldozer invoices. I'm supposed to keep the yellow copy, but the purple one's prettier. What can I do for you today, little buddy? You want to do something about that skin? I'm here because it's come to my attention that I am not growing. You want to know the secret to growing? Get lots of sleep, eat lots of veggies, and always remember your inner worth, 'cause that'll make you feel Oh. Klaus made it sound like you might have more immediate solutions. You know Klaus? That changes everything. Much can be done about your height. Are you familiar with the abominable sciences? There's bone splicing, giraffe marrow transplant. I could boil your brain in gorilla hormones. I also have unorthodox options. For instance, I could have your soul put into the body of something taller. How comfortable are you with the serpent god OxumarÃ©? Not super comfortable. We'll stick to surgery, then! I'd like to think on it. What's there to think about? If B. B. King had come to me, he would have never died at the height he was. The Carconi brothers are coming to tear you down. They're coming, and -- and I don't have any ideas about how to stop them. Get out of the way, you tree-hugging fruit. So, you think I'm a fruit, huh? Well, then a fruit I shall become. Oh, my God, Freddie, we can't chop down a tree with a homosexual man in it. Ugh, no. I made a gay slur, then he threw it back in my face by acting like the kind of fruit that grows on trees. Everybody thinks so fast. Stan Smith, remove yourself from the tree immediately. Not until you promise you won't cut it down. That's a great idea. I'll go and get on the roof of my store right -- I'm so sorry. Can I offer you a temporary tattoo? I'll get him down, Freddie. I know just how to play this guy. Please get down. Freddie says the budget's so tight that if you delay us just seven days, the whole thing'll be canceled, saving your stupid tree. Seven days? I can do that for my tree dad. Dumb Frankie. Dumb. Dumb. W-what are you, uh -- w-what do you get out of this Frankie thing? Actually, I get some great intel for Fikowski Asphalt. It's me, Dom Fikowski. You'll never make it a week. Dr. Kalgary, I've decided I -- Oh, you're with a patient. It's just Billy. He's part of the program. One of my success stories. I used to be six inches tall. Now I'm daddy's favorite. Look at me walk. Oh, my God. W-well, despitethis, I still want the operation. I need to grow. Wonderful! You'll be able to look over any stall in the men's room and see what's happening. Hooray. It's coming to the end of day 7 in -- Oop, that weird Carconi brother who's always telling everyone he's an honorary firefighter is approaching the tree now. Well, Freddie says once the sun sets, we got to send the crew home. That means the stadium's dead and he's not gonna take me to Mountain Mike's Pizza. And it's the sauciest pizza. Oh, my sweet flesh family. Come, be with me in my hour of triumph. Honey, you've blown me away with your commitment to this hunger strike. It wasn't supposed to be a hunger strike. I kept asking you to bring me food. But I stood strong. Hayley, who would have thought that between the two of us, I'd be the first one to save a tree? I've saved lots of trees. I'm sorry. You're right, sweetie. Not ever buying or reading books is also a way of saving trees. Where's Steve? Yeah, where is Steve? Oh, you guys don't know? Steve's with my associate, Dr. Kalgary, about to undergo an irreversible, fabulously risky, height-boosting procedure. What? What? Steve will be sliced into pieces, and when he's reassembled, he'll be exactly like the boy you remember, only taller and with a lot more bones if he lives. Oh, God. Why would Steve do something like this? Wait, does he think he stopped growing? Yeah, that's right. I know what this is about. You do? Yep. Well? It's sounds like he could use some guidance, Stan. I agree. But for whatever reason, he never developed a relationship with a tree. Poor kid. I think you can be his tree. A human tree father. It sounds so stupid. But to hell with how it sounds. Steve needs me. But if I leave to save him, they're gonna cut you down. You're right. Steve's my responsibility now. You're still teaching me. I guessthis is goodbye. I love you, tree daddy. He's gone! Frankie gets the pizza. The surgeon cuts at night the surgeon cuts at night I'm gonna cut you, Steve I'm gonna cut you right Actually, uh, you know, I think I've changed my mi-- Oh. They always get cold feet. And I'll always cut them off. Aah! Oh, my God. I'm so tall. It's gonna take some getting used to. Aaaaah! Aaaaaah! Look out, Steve. I made things worse for you. Hold on, son. I can climb up. Someone taught me how. Dad, get it together! Coming. Aaaah! You're here. Of course I am. It's what dads do. Even when their kid's a stupid shorty? Steve, there's something I have to show you. The fuzz! Time to see if your wings work, Billy! Run, Billy! When I was a boy, I used to carve my height here on the bark. This extra-deep one is from a few years where I didn't grow at all. It's called the Smith Stall. Eventually I shot up 6 inches. So I will get tall. And even if I didn't it doesn't matter, because I have a dad who loves me. You're gonna get tall. So, this tree, what was like a dad to you? I know, we both miss him. But he goes on now to a greater purpose. May his timber bring shelter to a deserving soul. Please, don't cut down this tree! It's like a father to me! The world needs axe-handles!