Raw Deal

[The episode begins with the Loud Family on a road trip] Lana: "Dad, are we there yet?" Lynn Sr.: "Not yet, kiddo. A few more hours." Lana: "Oh, okay." [beat] "Are we there yet?" [Lincoln is looking at a guidebook of the place the family's visiting] Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Today, we're going to Grand Venture State Park, and it's gonna be awesome! We're gonna hike, and fish, and check out the caves..." [As he explains what they're gonna do, imaginary panels of him doing those activities appear] Leni: "And I can't wait to see Pop-Pop!" [Her siblings look at her confused] Leni: "The guidebook said there was an old geezer in the park." Lincoln: "Geyser, not geezer. See? Here it is." [shows her the geyser in the guidebook] Luna: "I hope we get to see it blow. That would be rockin'!" Lisa: "I wouldn't hold my breath. It's been inactive for years." Leni: "So, it is like Pop-Pop." Lana: " Now are we there yet?" Lynn Sr.: "Lana, stop asking." Lana: "Well, Hops is asking, not me!" Lola: [struggling with the seat belt] "This seat belt is wrinkling my dress!" Rita: "Why don't you guys play some car games?" Lynn: "How about Football? I'll be the QB. Hike!" [tosses her ball in the car, causing it to nearly rear off-road and make her family scream in panic] Rita: "How about something a little less dangerous?" Lucy: "I have a new deck of fortune telling cards. I could give everybody readings." [shuffles the cards] ''[Her siblings agree to that and want their fortunes told. She puts on a turban as the background changes to a spacial setting]'' Lucy's Siblings: "Me first!" / "Over here, Lucy!" Lucy: "It's Madame Lucy." Lucy's Siblings: "Ooh!" ''[The cards are dealt. The first card shows a galleon sailing on the ocean]'' Lucy: "Lori, you will go on a long trip." Lori: [excited] "Ooh. Maybe Bobby's taking me to Italy! He is working at that pizza place." [The next card shows a castle door opening up to planets in the night sky] Lucy: "Lola, the universe will open doors for you." Lola: [scoffing] "Ha. Tell me something I don't know." [The next card shows a knight on his steed facing strong winds] Lucy: "Luan, you will soon be blown away." Luan: "How fortunate!" [laughs as her siblings groan at her joke] Lynn Sr.: [laughing] "Good one!" [Lynn throws her Football at Luan for that one] Luan: [still laughing] "Ow!" Lisa: [disbelieving] "Poppycock. Could these predictions be anymore non-specific?" [The next card shows a wizard with a crystal ball] Lucy: "Lisa, you will make an amazing scientific discovery before entering the park today. Is that specific enough for you?" Lisa: "Specific, yes. Plausible, no. As a woman of science, I cannot take any of this seriously." Lucy: "Well, the cards don't lie. Last but not least: Lincoln." [draws the card and gasps at what she sees] Lincoln: [concerned] "What? What does it say?" Lucy: [changing the subject] "So, uh, who wants to play football?" [grins casually] Lincoln: [desperate] "Lucy, come on! Tell me!" Lucy: "Fine. Your day at the park will end in..." [reveals the card to show the grim reaper] "...tragedy." [A suspenseful music sting plays for the card as Lynn Sr. is looking through the radio] Lynn Sr.: "Ooh, a radio station of music stings! Neato-burrito!" [The music sting plays again as Lincoln worries about his fortune]

[The family stops at Ed's Gas & Snack] Lynn Sr.: "Okay, kids, ten minutes for bathroom and snacks. If you miss the cut-off, I can't promise I'll still be here." [Lincoln's sisters get out of the car, but he closes the door, much to Lisa's disbelief] Lisa: "Aren't you coming?" Lincoln: "Nope. I'm staying right here." Lisa: "Oh, you're not worried about Lucy's silly predictions, are you?" [Lori accidentally steps on an oil slick, slips out of control while screaming and crashes into the trash] Lori: "That was literally embarrassing." Lucy: "It was also literally your fortune. "You will go on on a long trip"." [Lincoln gasps at this fact] Lori: [sighs in disappointment] "So, I'm not going to Italy?" Lisa: "Relax, Lincoln. It's just a coincidence." [Lincoln gets out and hears Luan giggling] Luan: "Let me know if you get tired, Dad." Lynn Sr. "Good one, honey. That's why you're my air." [hits Luan with a jet of air that sends her flying into a bunch of tires] "Oh, sorry, sweetie. Your dad's just an air-head." [They laugh as the other kids look on apathetically] Lucy: [appearing next to them and startling them] "Fortune number two: "You will soon be blown away"." ''[All except Lisa gasp in astonishment. The rest of the girls except Lisa head into the mini-mart while Lincoln shakes in panic]'' Lisa: "More like coincidence number two." Lucy: "We will see." [As the rest head in, a charming man named Mr. Universe opens the door for Lola] Lola: [curtsies for him] "Oh, thank you, Mr. Universe." [realizes a few seconds later] "AGH! THE UNIVERSE JUST OPENED DOORS FOR ME!" [The others gasp again] Lucy: "And...that's number three." Lincoln: "Lisa!" Lisa: "Eh. Pure happenstance." [Inside the restroom, there's a long line for the ladies' room] Lynn: [rushing to the door] "Gotta go! Gotta go!" Twins: "Back of the line, sister!" [point to the back] Lynn: [runs to the back] "I CAN'T WAIT THIS LONG!" [starts doing jumping jacks] "Don't gotta go. Don't gotta go." Leni: [holding a pair of pink boots with bows] "OMG! These boots are totes adorbs!" Lana: [comes out of restroom] "Ha! I found a dollar in the toilet!" Lucy: "Just like I predicted." [reveals the next card which is an hourglass] "Lynn, your patience will be tested." [reveals the next card which shows arrows piercing a heart] "Leni, you will fall in love." [reveals the next card showing a bunch of coins] "Lana, you will become filthy rich." [The three gasp in shock] Lucy: "What can I say? The cards don't lie." [Lincoln whimpers in fear and runs up to the cashier] Lincoln: "Excuse me. Where are your first aid kits?" Lisa: "Oh, Lincoln, please." [points to Lynn] "That is a coincidence." [points to Leni] "That's hyperbole." [points to Lana] "And that's gross exaggeration. Filthy, yes. Rich, no." Lana: "Ugh. It's about quality, not quantity!" Luna: "Oh yeah! The vending machine gave me an extra bag of chips! The best things in life are free, bros!" [opens a bag and wolfs down some chips] Lucy: [shows a card with two people holding chalices] "You will be rewarded double." [Lincoln panics more and is now in the car wearing a biking helmet, a chest plate, an athletic cup, and a gas mask which he is breathing heavily into] Lisa: "Oh, Lincoln, please. You're embarrassing yourself." Lincoln: [muffled] "I'm just being sensible." [Lisa takes the mask off him] Lincoln: "I'm just being sensible. Lucy said my day would end in tragedy, and all her other predictions have come true." Lisa: "Not mine. I haven't made any scientific discoveries yet." Lincoln: [realizing] "Wait a minute. That's true!" Lynn Sr.: "Alright, kiddos, welcome to Grand Venture State Park!" Lincoln: [herding his sisters] "Let's go, people! Move it! Move it!" [pushes them] Lola: "Lincoln, why are you pushing us?" Lori: "Yeah. What's the rush? We are literally the only people here." Lincoln: "If we can get in the park before Lisa makes any discoveries, that means Lucy's predictions are bogus and I'm home free." [pushes them in] "Yes! We made it!" [takes off his protective gear and starts dancing] "Science: 1, medieval hocus pocus: 0. Right, Lis?" [notices she's not with them] "Lis?" [sees her coming] "Lisa, hurry up! Get in here!" Lisa: "Sorry. I had to finish that chapter." [Just then, a giant egg drops right between them and hatches] Lisa: [gasps] "Sweet mother of scientific discoveries! It's an owl with deer antlers!" [Lincoln screams in horror and goes into a daze] Lisa: "Lucy, I concede that your psychic predictions are uncannily accurate. And now, I'm off to show this fascinating creature to the park ranger. See you later, Lincoln! Well, maybe not." [The suspenseful sting plays again as Lincoln awaits his fate] Lynn Sr.: "Yes! I can get the music sting station on my phone!"

[The family heads toward the caves] Lynn Sr.: "All right, gang. First stop is the Grand Stalactite Caverns." Lucy: "Ooh. If it's dark, I'm in." Lincoln: "Ooh. If it's dark, I'm out." Rita: "Lincoln, you've been looking forward to this trip for months. Don't you wanna check out the caverns?" Lincoln: "And get impaled by a stalactite?" Rita: "Are you really gonna let a silly prediction ruin your fun?" Lincoln: "Yes, I am. I'm gonna stay right here, where it's nice and safe." [Sometime later, some screeching is heard] Lincoln: [screams] "KILLER BATS!" [Some butterflies fly out] Lincoln: [calmly] "Oh. They're just butterflies." [panicking] "Who are probably fleeing from killer bats!" [runs off screaming]

[Lisa is showing this new species of owl to the park ranger] Lisa: "I call it the "Dowl"." Ranger: "Remarkable. I'll arrange a press conference immediately. Lucky for us, I always carry bunting." [holds up the bunting]

[The family is swimming at the lake] Lynn Sr.: "Ah, Grand Sparkling Lake." Lynn: "CANNONBALL!" [cannonballs into the lake with a huge splash] Lynn Sr.: "Watch it, Lynn! You'll ruin the Grand Venture guide!" Lana: "Come on in, Lincoln! We got the whole lake to ourselves!" Lincoln: [on the dock] "Yeah, right. So I can get eaten by a piranha? Or zapped by an eel? Or attacked by a swamp creature?" Lola: "Don't be a dope. There's no such thing." [Lynn Sr. emerges from the lake covered in algae] Lincoln: [screaming] "IT'S HIM!" [swings a branch at him] "Back, you hideous beast!" Lynn Sr.: [removing the algae] "Hey, hey, hey! I didn't pick out these shorts! Your mother did! Huh."

[Now they're visiting a gorge] Lynn Sr.: "Presenting Grand Vista Gorge. The most beautiful view north of the Rio Grande." Luan: "Beautiful? Don't you mean GORGE-ous?" [laughs] Rita: "Have any of you seen your brother?" [Lynn runs to the side of the gorge and notices Lincoln inching his way up the trail] Lincoln: [frantic] "Oh. Are those fire ants? Uh, that could be quicksand. Yikes! I'm pretty sure that's poison ivy." Lynn: " LINCOLN! GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE! " [Her voice echoes] Lincoln: [softly] "Shh! You wanna cause an avalanche?" Lynn: " WHAT?! " [A rumbling sound is heard, but it's just a small leaf swaying to the ground]

Lynn Sr.: "Next stop, Grand Current River." [The family is fishing] Luna: "Who, little dudette, hook me up with another worm." Lana: [eating the worms] "Sorry. All out." Rita: "Lincoln, you should join us." Lincoln: [hiding under the canoe] "Yeah, right! And get swept down the river? Or contract a deadly parasite? Or slip on a rock, bang my head, get amnesia, and wind up in Tijuana? I don't think so!" [goes back to hiding]

[The family is having a picnic] Lana: [patting her belly] "Ugh. I wish I hadn't filled up on worms." Lynn Sr.: "Lincoln, are you sure you won't join us?" Lincoln: [in the picnic basket] "Yeah, right! And attract bears with the smell of the burgers? I don't think so!" [goes back to hiding] Lori: "I think bears also like the potato salad in that basket." [Lori's words causes Lincoln to come out of the basket yelping and run to a field] Lincoln: "I'll just stand in this field." [frantic] "Wait. Then I could get struck by lightning. Maybe I'll be safe in that log." [hides in said log] "But there could be rabid beavers!" [gets out of the log] "Back to the picnic basket!" [about to get back in] "No! Wait! The bears!" [trips]

Lynn Sr.: "Ah, what a day. Grand Venture State Park, you always know how to show us a grand time." Lincoln: [heading for the exit] "This is great. I may actually get out of here alive." Lynn Sr.: "Lincoln, where are you going? We've got Lisa's press conference." Lincoln: "You guys go without me. The flash from the cameras could blind me." '[His dad grabs his arm and takes him to the conference, where Lisa is about to announce her latest discovery] Lisa: [at podium] "Members of the press, I have made a discovery that will forever alter our understanding of the animal kingdom. I give you..." [reveals Down] "...the Dowl! Or Loudicus Lisa, if you prefer." [The rest of her family and the press are amazed while Lincoln flinches and screams at the flash of the cameras] Lisa: "As you can see, the antlers of the Dowl are..." [Suddenly, the little bird shakes off the antlers and Lisa makes another discovery, one not so scientific] Lisa: "...Made in China?" [The ranger does a spit take] Ranger: "Excuse me. I just remembered I, uh...left the iron on in the ranger station. Forest fires are no joke." [proceeds to leave] Lisa: [stopping him] "Hold it right there, bub! What gives?" Ranger: [sighs] "Okay. I concocted the whole thing. I bought the antlers at a yard sale and glued them on the owl." Lisa: [livid] "You think science is some sort of a joke?" Ranger: "No. It's just that ever since the geyser stopped erupting, no one comes to the park anymore. I thought a little publicity would bring people back." [Lisa goes back to the podium] Lisa: "My apologies to you all. Obviously, the Dowl is a fake." Lincoln: "A fake?" [gasps] "So Lucy's prediction for you wasn't true!" Lisa: "That is a logical conclusion." Lincoln: "Which means mine wasn't true either!" Lisa: "Second logical conclusion." Lincoln: "I ruined my whole day for no reason." Lisa: "Thrice, a logical conclusion."

[The family's getting ready to go home] Lynn Sr.: "Okay, kids, you have five minutes to get in the car. And if you miss the cut-off, no guarantees." Lincoln: [to the viewers, disappointed] "Well, I guess there's a lesson here. You can't live your life in fear, or you'll miss out on it. And that would be a tragedy." ''[Before he heads to the car, the ground starts shaking and there's a rumbling sound. Lincoln rushes over and sees something amazing]'' Lincoln: "It's the geyser! Whoa!" ''[Lincoln looks on to see the geyser's majestic eruption in awe. All of a sudden, the car's horn honks and the rest is leaving without him]'' Lincoln: "He really is leaving me behind. Sheesh. I always thought that was an empty threat." [chases after them] "GUYS! WAIT!" [The car stops and Lincoln gets in] Lincoln: [jubilant] "Guys! Guys! You won't believe what happened! I just saw the geyser go off!" [His sisters are getting some sleep after a fun day] Leni: [groggily] "Ugh. Lincoln, you told me Pop-Pop wasn't gonna be here." Lincoln: "Leni, it's not...never mind. This turned out to be the best day ever." [goes to sleep for the ride home] Lisa: "Well, Lucy, I guess you'll be throwing out those silly cards now that you've been completely discredited." Lucy: "WRONG. I can prove fortune telling is real with one last prediction." [draws one more card] "The end is near." Lisa: "Oh, please. Give me a-" [Cuts Lisa's line off to show an end card in the style of Lucy's fortune telling cards with a Dowl on it appears] THE END Lucy: "Told ya. The cards don't lie."