The Hobbit: There and Bennigan's

It's alive! Honey, why don't you just try counting sheep? Does that really work? Just give it a try. 7, 8, 9, 10! Move it, sheep! Jump, jump! Listen up. You have one job to help humans fall asleep. Fail and we'll turn your asses into lamb chops! My name is Samuel. Now, let that be a lesson to all you My name is Samuel. My name is Samuel. My name is Samuel! What the the fuck. All right, stay stay back! Stay back! Hey, how'd you sleep? Eh, fine. You're pretty good, Misty. Better than you, Ash. Oh, darn! Ash! Why have we been playing tennis with a pokÃ©ball? Pikachu pissed on my rug. Damn right. Hold my Oakleys! Huh! No, no, no, no! Get your penis out of the vacuum cleaner. Family, after nearly killing you on a ski trip to the Himalayas, I saved your lives by giving each of you bionic implants. Let's use these cool new powers as the Bionic Six! Uh, hon, maybe we should be grateful we're alive and not The Bionic Six! Open wide! You just got eighty-bionic-sixed! Dad, turns out hitting homers isn't a superpower. Aah! Bionic Five! Eric? Uh, his code name is Sports-1. He's our son and he's dead, you asshole! We're getting a divorce. Bionic Four! Hyah! Bionic Three! You killed my brother! Aah! Bionic Two! We never had any training! Bionic One! Only now do I see that bionics solve nothing. I am out of work! It is every parent's worst nightmare to outlive their child. I will treasure each of the years I had with my sweet, beloved Andrew. Hold my Oakleys, brah. Andrew was way too pussy to surf a wave like this. Yeah! I'm sorry, Professor Dumbledore. This curse is at Stage 4. You only have six months to live. But try to look on the bright side. You're a highly educated Wizard. I'm sure you've done something really great with your life. I teach high school. Oh. Well, I'll leave you alone to cry. Scalpus badassus. We will create a money-making potion to fund your war with Voldemort long after I'm gone. Wolfsbane, fluxweed, This sounds like the dark arts. It's what your parents would've wanted, Harry. I'll do it! Well done, Ms. Granger. Your batch is 99% pure. And Mr. Weasley Oh, no! Ron! The most useless of our trio! Relax, Hermione. Untrained students mixing potentially fatal potions are no big deal at Hogwarts. See? He's perf Oh, my God! Children, have you learned nothing from your annual near-death adventures? Magic heals anything. Makes it hard to care about the consequences, frankly. He'll be good as new! I don't think so, Harry. Professor snape said he wouldn't drink your potions with Bea Arthur's dick. - Yeah. - Yeah, come on. Quick! Use the magic words Dumbledore gave us! The first taste is free! You know, I always thought Bea Arthur was attractive. Okay, class. As you know from your reading, a hydra's temperature can only be taken rectally. Any volunteers? Children? By merlin's merkin! Hagrid is going to blow the lid off our entire operation, Professor! I knew hiring a would bite me in the ass one day. I'm on it. I'm home, fang! Come here, boy! Fang! I did it! Now I can I got hit with a stray shell. Seems kind of arbitrary after such a tightly plotted rise to infamy. One man can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't nothing can beat teamwork. Another perfect giraffe! Oh, no. That's too good to waste. Hey, where's that birthday boy? Can can I hold my baby? You can hold your baby's Oakleys. I finally figured out what's wrong with you, Otis Male cows don't have udders. Uh, right. And neither do I. I was born a hermaphrodite? I, uh Oh, sweet cud. I'm a girl. You got me. Oh, my god. Was that a strap-on or oh, was that your hoof?! What? You want to hate me for pretending to be something I'm not? Fine. Then, Abby, cows don't have blond hair! And, Bessie, cows can't walk on two legs. Our knees should explode under this much weight. Ow! Fantasy looks pretty good now, huh, you judgmental bitches?! My balls! My vagina! Am I doing this wrong? I think I'm doing this wrong. Dear mother, I take pen in hand to inform you that, today, your son, Private Pizza, became a killer. Our platoon was on dawn patrol when the enemy hit us. Ambush! We got a Bullets started flying and, in that moment, I couldn't tell my fellow kitchen commandos apart from our enemy, the refrigerator rejects. I felt powerless, until I saw that greasy bastard killing Major Munch. A rage overtook me, and I gave that fried freak a closed-casket funeral. I can't remember why we fight anymore. I pray that someday this war ends, a day when there is no meat drawer, no veggie crisper, just food and food alike in one fridge, together. Until that day, I am your son, Private Pizza, 1 st battalion, Kitchen Commandos. Aah! Suicide Taco! Get down! Nobody wins in a food fight. Let us begin this journey for the Roman Catholic church. Let us allow gays to marry and maybe shut up once in a while about abortion. Hold my Oakleys. Hey! Aah! So, Rapunzel, does the carpet match the drapes? Mm, you tell me. You just climbed up the carpet. Cobra has developed a mind-control energy drink. It even looks and smells like asparagus piss, just like the real thing. Cobra is giving it away at the X games, so never thought I'd say this This is a mission for G. I. Joe Extreme. Extreme! Ballistic, grab the Mountain Dew! Metal-head, crank up the smash mouth! So, Duke, I got to ask why does G. I. Joe have a unit for extreme tasks? Eh, it was the '90s. Harpoon, talk to the hand! Not! Do I spy a ninja with bleached blond hair? It's frosted tips, brah! I'm bustin' moves, extreme style! Go-gurt! Remember, you're undercover. Don't call attention to yourselves. You heard the bro! Chillax, you Ally McBeals! Oh, you son of a take it easy, boss. Listen up, fellow youth. Snakebite energy drinks are not cool! Or dope. I am sold! It's ironic viral marketing! Let's get a Snakebite! Don't worry, Dawg. I got this. Who wants in? Pretty sick, huh? I got devil sticks, too. Let's get a Snakebite! No fear! No! We got to take it to the Extreme! Black Dragon? Who wants to see some gnarly shredding? Uh, that's a steep half-pipe. Where's that ninja's helmet? Don't need one. Homey's got frosted tips! Say no to Snakebite energy drink! Show me the money! Well, time for the most extreme option! Target my location. Let the dogs out. Oh, my gosh. Did you call an air strike on us? Well, seems a little Say it! Extreme. Due to your extreme negligence Extreme! you are sentenced to death. Stupid Monkey!