Star Struck

(The scene is a preview trailer for Krillhunter XIV. The screen is black and red, and the words "COMING SOON" appear on it. Frequent harsh drumbeats occur every few seconds, to create a tense atmosphere. The screen fades to Tobias Trollhammer as the Krillhunter in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask; he starts awake, as from a nightmare.)

Krillhunter: (looks around) Where am I?

Doctor: (holding a clipboard) You've been in a coma. For twelve years!

Krillhunter: (having sat up) KRILL!!

(Diverse studio logos appear, one quickly after another, as rock music plays. After this, cut to the Krillhunter on a boat in the ocean.)

Narrator: In a world where krill are everywhere —

(Cut to a tank containing many krill.)

Gretchen Flammkuchen as Scientist: They're very, very small, but they're everywhere.

(Cut to the Krillhunter standing nobly and firmly on the deck of a ship.)

Narrator: — one man (cut to the Krillhunter in a speedboat, firing a machine gun at krill) has what it takes to fight back.

(Cut to the Krillhunter talking with a farmer on a dock.)

Farmer: Give up, Krillhunter. They're everywhere.

Krillhunter: I'll catch you on the flip side. (flips and kicks the Farmer off the dock into the ocean)

Farmer: (in the ocean) Oh, I get it. It's sarcasm.

Krillhunter: Actually, (turns to the camera, which zooms in close to him) it's a pun.

(Cut to a black and red title card with a krill behind a struck circle. "From the Visionary Minds of" appears on the screen.)

Narrator: From the visionary minds that brought you (The titles of Krillhunter I and its many sequels appear as the Narrator names them) Krillhunter one, two, threefourfivesixseveneightnineteneleventwelve thirteen —

(Cut to the Krillhunter on a boat aiming a harpoon.)

Krillhunter: I'll get you, krill! (fires the harpoon)

Boater: Hey, you got him! Uh, I think.

(Cut to another title card in the same style as the last with an image of Tobias' head. He is wearing glasses, and a krill is reflected in their lenses. The text "Starring / TOBIAS TROLLHAMMER" appears on it as the Narrator says it.)

Narrator: Starring Tobias Trollhammer —

(Cut to the deck of a ship. The Scientist, the Boater, and the Krillhunter are standing on it.)

Krillhunter: I'm not the Krillhunter I used to be.

(Cut to another title card with "GRETCHEN FLAMMKUCHEN" and an image of her in a wet-suit lying on her side holding an impaled krill.)

Narrator: — Gretchen Flammkuchen —

(Cut to the Scientist lying on a beach in the same pose, but holding a harpoon gun instead.)

Scientist: Oh Krillhunter, I'd love to go swimming.

(Cut to the Krillhunter jumping from an exploding boat. Cut again to him standing on the beach as a boat explodes and sinks in the background.)

Krillhunter: I wouldn't advise it.

(Cut to a title card with Sherwin Dusterwinkle dressed as a clown, holding a rubber chicken in his left hand, and his right hand is a hook. The text "And: / SHERWIN DUSTERWINKLE / As / Professor Grant" appears on the screen as the Narrator says it.)

Narrator: — and Sherwin Dusterwinkle as Professor Grant.

(Cut to Professor Grant on a city street arrayed just as he was on the title card. He cackles and is struck with a fish.)

Professor Grant: Krill-joy!

(Cut to another title card, mostly black, with a silhouette of a krill on the left and one of the Krillhunter on the right. "KRILLHUNTER XIV" appears in white, and "KRILL OR BE KRILLED" appears below it in red as he says them.)

Narrator: Krillhunter Fourteen: Krill or Be Krilled. (The words "KRILL OR BE KRILLED" start to bleed.)

(Cut to an exploding milk truck in a city street.)

(Cut again to the Krillhunter on the ocean holding a harpoon.)

Krillhunter: I'm gonna need some hump-backup.

(He emerges from the ocean in slow-motion holding his harpoon gun and riding a humpback whale, which roars.)

(Cut to Milo, Zack, and Melissa standing behind a barricade. Milo is wearing a giant winter hat and showing them the trailer on his phone.)

Milo: And that's why Tobias Trollhammer is my idol.

Melissa: It's a cool trailer, but he's just an action guy.

Milo: Well, it's more than that. His movies taught me that when something's in your way, it's not a problem; it's a challenge!

Zack: Like that hat? (Melissa high-fives him)

Milo: (looks up) Oh, right. (pointing to his hat) This is the same kind of hat that Tobias wore in Krillhunter Two: Time to Krill. I thought it might make him notice me. After all, I'm not the only one who wants his autograph. I mean, look at this line!

Man standing in line: We don't want that has-been's autograph. This is the line for the ice cream guy.

(Pan quickly right to the ice cream guy. He stands at a cart and hands the person in front a popsicle.)

Ice cream guy: I'm saving up for med school!

(Cut back to Milo et al.)

Milo: Oh. Do you know where we can find him?

Man standing in line: Well, they're filming a movie over at Brand and Sanchez. You might check over there.

(Transition to the intersection of Brand and Sanchez streets. A tumbleweed blows down the street. Milo, Melissa, and Zack are standing alone on the sidewalk.)

Milo: (disappointed) I thought there'd be more fans here.

Zack: Sorry, Milo, but Tobias Trollhammer is old news. Nobody wants to see him anymore.

Melissa: (pointing) Isn't that him pulling up over there?

Zack: (his eyes wide, gesticulating excitedly) Oh my gosh, I see him!

(Cut to Tobias getting out of a limousine, then back to Melissa and Milo looking smugly at him.)

Zack: What? He's still a movie star.

Milo: Come on! Let's go get his autograph!

(They go toward him, but Elliot swoops in and stops them. He is wearing a blue uniform rather than his usual safety vest.)

Elliot: Well, well, well. If it isn't my old friend, Milo Murphy.

Milo: We're friends? That's so nice.

Elliot: Can't you tell I'm being sarcastic?

Milo: Well, I can now.

Zack: Wait a minute! You're not even a real security guard. Do you even work here?

(Melissa walks around to Elliot's back.)

Melissa: Yeah, the letters on your back are just masking tape. (Peels off a "Y")

Zack: And your walkie-talkie is just a bar of soap with a straw shoved in it.

Elliot: (putting his "walkie-talkie" away) I filed a permit with the city and extended my crosswalk all the way to here, so today, I am protecting Tobias Trollhammer.

Melissa: (notices Tobias going onto the set) Zack! Plan B!

Zack: Right. (doubles over) Ah! I think I'm sick. You gotta take me to the infirmary! (Collapses)

Elliot: You really think I'm gonna fall for the old "sick prisoner" routine?

Zack: (gets up) No, no, you're right. Too dramatic?

Elliot: Way over-the-top.

Zack: (pointing at Milo, Melissa, and Zack running onto the set; Elliot looks, alarmed) It still worked, though.

Elliot: Wait! If that's Zack —

(Mort pulls off his Zack mask.)

Mort: And the award for the best stunt double goes to: Mort.

Elliot: Ah! (into his "walkie-talkie") Emergency! We got a (cut to a man named Barney in the shower; Elliot's voice is filtered, as through a radio) seven-oh-nine at the south entrance!

Barney: Lorraine, my soap is talking to me.

Lorraine: Just ignore it, Barney!

(Cut back to the set; a security guard shuts the gates against Milo, Melissa, and Zack.)

Milo: I missed him! Darn it!

(Elliot runs up.)

Elliot: And as long as I'm on duty, you're always going to miss him.

(Milo, Zack and Melissa turn to leave.)

Milo: Okay, guys. Time for Plan H. (leaves)

Zack: What about C through G?

Milo: (off-screen) I already went through them all in my head, and they don't work!

(Cut to a bush behind which Milo, Zack, and Melissa are hiding; Zack looks past it through a periscope.)

Zack: Wow, Milo. This thing is cool! (he, Milo, and Melissa emerge) How'd you fit this in your backpack?

Milo: Oh, it telescopes down — which is ironic, 'cause, you know, it's a periscope.

Melissa: (whispering) Can you see Elliot?

Zack: Yeah, he's just standing there with that ridiculous look on his face.

Elliot: I can hear you guys!

Melissa: (takes the periscope) Ooh, let me see!

Zack: Okay, yeah. You just look through here.

(Melissa looks through the periscope.)

Melissa: Wait a second! I only see sky. (Zack pushes her down) Oh, there he is. Yeah, it is kind of a ridiculous look.

Elliot: I can still hear you!

Melissa: Hang on a second. I see some pipes, a wrecking-ball, and a water-tower. Excellent! Now all we need is a cup of Murphy's law.

(Transition to Milo walking up to Elliot.)

Elliot: I'm not letting you in.

Milo: Oh, I know. Melissa just wanted me to stand over here.

(Some ducks fly up to Elliot, quacking, and hover near him. He screams and runs away as they chase him.)

Milo: Um, Melissa? Now what? How do I get in? (A concrete drainage pipe rolls in and impacts the gate. The water-tower collapses, and the wrecking-ball crushes it. All this brings down the gate and the fence.) Never mind; I figured it out.

(Cut to within the set. Tobias is sitting under a canopy, reading a script.)

Tobias: Ugh! This script is awful. No stunts, no action, and there's hardly any krill in it at all. No wonder my fans have abandoned me.

Scandinavian hipster: Your fans haven't abandoned you. In fact, I saw a whole line of them out there. As soon as they get their ice cream, they're going to come over here, Tobias.

Tobias: (rises) It's almost as if my career has been jinxed by a Menninkäinen!

Scandinavian hipster: What the heck is a Menninkäinen?

Tobias: (reading from a book titled Fairy Tales) It's a goblin from Scandinavian folklore. It comes on a sled of doom (cut to an illustration in the book; it is of a goblin that looks similar to Milo and even has a similar pack) to curse you with bad luck and eat your soul.

Scandinavian hipster: (as he and Tobias walk) How does he eat your soul?

Tobias: I do not know the particulars.

Scandinavian hipster: Tobias, I promise you. There's no goblins hunting you.

Tobias: You say that, but you do not know.

(They have arrived at the set, which is a dock similar to the one in the trailer. The director is sitting on a camera cart, being wheeled in.)

Director: (in a megaphone) Okay, places, everyone! Let's try to get this in one take! Tobias, remember now, you've spent days hunting krill to save the little girl in the hospital.

Milo: (aside, as he runs in behind a light) Oh, they're filming right over here!

Director: And — action!

Tobias: I don't see any krill on the horizon. (looks toward Milo) I think everything's gonna be o— (gasps; draws out his "o" as he focuses on Milo and imagines him as a Menninkäinen)

Cameraman: What's wrong with him?

Director: He's acting! Keep rolling.

Tobias: —ehhhh—

Milo as Menninkäinen: I'm here to eat your soul! (Hell-fire appears behind him)

Tobias: Ah!! (pointing toward Milo) Menninkäinen!

(Tobias inadvertently fires his harpoon gun; the harpoon ricochets off a lamp, a reflective surface, and hits and embeds itself in a tank of "STUNT KRILL".)

Props manager: Oh no! You hit Jerry! I think.

Tobias: (as he runs off the set) Stay away from me, Menninkäinen!

Props manager: (in background) They're really small; does anyone have a magnifying glass?

Cameraman: He's going off-script.

Director: Keep rolling and follow him!

(They are wheeled after Tobias. Cut to Milo, Melissa, and Zack approaching the Scandinavian hipster.)

Milo: I didn't mean to startle him. I just wanted his autograph.

Scandinavian hipster: (gasps) You're a fan of Tobias?

Milo: The biggest!

Scandinavian hipster: (puts his hands on Milo's shoulders) You are just what he needs. He needs to see you, (squishes Milo's cheeks) to know that he is loved, (takes his hands off Milo) to know that people still care. Now go find him!

Melissa: You want us to chase the man who ran away from us in terror.

Scandinavian hipster: The most noble thing you can do is support the ego of a man who pretends to hunt krill.

Milo: He's right!

Scandinavian hipster: Now go. Go! (Milo, Melissa, and Zack go) Go like the wind!

(Milo approaches a cart.)

Milo: Can we borrow this?

Reggie: Uh—

Milo: Thanks! (boards it as Melissa and Zack push) Come on, guys! (they go off)

Reggie: Aw, Reggie. You gotta learn to stand up for yourself!

(Cut to Tobias and the ice cream guy. He steals the ice cream cart, which is attached to a bicycle.)

Tobias: I'm borrowing your cart full of frozen delightful —

Ice cream guy: Unlike Reggie, I'm okay with it.

(The cart bearing Milo flies over the hill; Zack and Melissa board it. The director's cart follows, and they chase Tobias.)

Tobias: Oh no. (imagines Milo as the Menninkäinen riding a two-headed dragon adorned with purple fire) It's the Menninkäinen on his sled of doom! (imagines the director as a Viking riding a dragon breathing green fire) And the director, on his sled of doom! (sees Dakota and Cavendish pedalling a pistachio cart; imagines them as a two-headed pharaoh riding a blue creature with sharp teeth) I have no idea who those guys are, but they're also on a sled of doom!! (begins throwing ice cream from the cart behind him) Take that! Take that! (continues in this vein)

(Cut to Milo, who ducks the ice cream. Cut again to the director on his cart.)

Director: Oh! Merchandising tie-in. Brilliant!

(Cut to a crane. A popsicle strikes its forward window.)

Crane operator: Oh! Ice cream!

(The operator leans on a lever to reach for the ice cream, swinging the crane's hook to the waterfront, to which cut. A "HARBOR TOURS" boat is sailing there.)

Tour guide: And to your left you can see our city's historic waterfront district.

(The hook catches the boat, takes it out of the water, and sets it on a road. It starts sliding down the street, sparks flying.)

Tour guide: (unsure) And with this new, uh, street-boat, we can show you the sights our competitors can't!

(Cut to a street before City Hall. A crowd is gathered on the sidewalk, and multifarious vehicles are on the street.)

Referee: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual full-size remote-control car race. On your marks, get set, go!

(The referee waves his flag, and the vehicles speed off. The crowd cheers; three persons with remote-controls operate them.)

(Cut to a highway. Some of the remote-control vehicles are driving on it; Tobias, Milo's cart, and the Director's cart enter it. Tobias abandons the ice cream cart for one of the vehicles, a green race-car; Milo, Melissa, and Zack abandon their cart for another, a blue one; and the director and his crew have abandoned theirs for a third, a giant pink roller-skate.)

Director: This is solid gold! Keep shooting!

Tobias: Stop chasing me, Menninkäinen!

Melissa: What's a Menninkäinen?

Milo: Oh. It's a goblin from Scandinavian folklore.

Melissa: How would you know that?

Milo: Don't you remember that show when we were kids?

(Cut to a title card for Milly and the Menninkäinen: "From Bad to Curse". The Menninkäinen is chasing Milly with a cartoon bomb.)

Singer: ♪ Milly and the Menninkäinen! ♪

(Cut to the show proper.)

Milly: (giggles) I love you, Menninkäinen!

Menninkäinen: I'm gonna eat your soul!

(Cut to another title card: "MILLY AND THE MENNINKÄINEN / THE END". The Menninkäinen, covered in soot, is chasing Milly.)

Singer: ♪ Milly and the Menninkäinen! ♪

(Cut back to Zack, Melissa, and Milo.)

Melissa: No! I do not remember that show!

Milo: Yeah, maybe we had different cable providers.

(Tobias uses the antenna on his car to vault himself onto a monster truck. He gasps as he sees that it is about to crash into a tractor. The monster truck runs over the tractor, which explodes. He abandons the monster truck for a lunar rover. The monster truck crushes Milo's, Melissa's, and Zack's car, which explodes, and they are flung onto a tank.)

Milo: He's on the rover! Bring us in close!

Zack: You know, we're not in control of this! I don't know who is!

(Cut back to the remote-control operators. The crowd has dispersed.)

First remote-control operator: I can't even see my car anymore.

Second remote-control operator: You guys wanna stop?

Third remote-control operator: Nah, just keep pushing these little levers. I'm sure it's very exciting.

(Cut back to Milo et al. Milo sticks himself down the muzzle of the tank's gun; it bends down toward Tobias.)

Milo: Hi, Mr. Trollhammer! I really like —

Tobias: You're gonna eat my soul! (tears the astronaut out of the driver's seat of the rover)

Milo: I have no plans to eat your soul; (Tobias commandeers the rover and drives away) I was just hoping to find an autograph.

(Cut to the "HARBOR TOURS" boat. Tobias is driving beneath it.)

Tour guide: Oh! Here's a treat! If you look to your right, you'll see has-been actor Tobias Trollhammer!

Patrons: Ooh! (They photograph him)

(Tobias abandons the rover, climbing onto the boat.)

Tour guide: Now he's climbing on our boat! Again, our competitors don't have this.

(Milo joins Tobias on the boat.)

Tobias: Get away from me, Menninkäinen!

Milo: I'm not a Menninkäinen; I'm a fan.

Tobias: Why would you be a fan of mine? I'm washed-up! A has-been! And after this disaster, (distraught) I'm sure my career is over.

Milo: Are you kidding? Your movies taught me that every obstacle is a challenge you can learn from.

Tobias: What do you mean?

Milo: Take that drawbridge that we're about to plummet off of? (Tobias' eyes widen; he looks behind him at the rising drawbridge, to which cut) In Krillhunter Five: The Krilling-Floor, when your boat was about to roll out of that cargo plane, you saved the day by dropping the boat's anchor. (goes over to a lever to which a chain is attached) Like this!

(Milo pulls the lever; the boat's anchor drops into the road as the boat continues toward the drawbridge. Tobias embraces Milo. The boat goes over the drawbridge.)

Tobias: Oh! (the anchor snags on part of the bridge) We're going to plummet to our — (the boat is left hanging from the bridge) Oh no. We're okay.

(The remote-control vehicles go over the bridge and plunge into the channel below.)

Tour guide: And only on our tour, you can experience the dangling-on-a-bridge finale!

Patrons: Ooh! (They take photographs)

Tobias: You saved us. Thank you, Menninkäinen.

Milo: I learn from the best.

(Melissa, Zack, the director, the cameraman, and the person who pushed the cart earlier arrive on the scene.)

Director: And — cut!

Melissa: That was awesome!

Zack: I would definitely go see that movie.

Director: That was amazing! I can easily build an entire movie around that chase scene. Tobias, baby, you're back! Please tell me there was film in the camera.

Cameraman: Ah, there wasn't any film in the camera.

Director: What!

Cameraman: Because we don't use film anymore. This is a video camera.

Director: So tell me there's video-tape in the camera.

Cameraman: There wasn't any video-tape in the camera either.

Director: What!

Cameraman: Because we don't use video-tape anymore. Just one of these memory cards. (takes it out of the camera) And there is one of those in the camera.

Director: Ooh! Let me see.

(The cameraman hands him the card; he stows it and shoves the cameraman into the water, who screams as he falls.)

Cameraman: You know, I probably deserved that!

(Cut back to the remote-control operators, still twiddling the levers on their remote-controls.)

Second remote-control operator: So, you think the race is over yet?

First remote-control operator: Yeah. Probably.

(The end.)