Kitchen Casanova

Zack is sitting at his stand in art class. He is mixing what appears to be "paint"...

Zack: There we go, perfect consistency. (has a spoonful of the mixture) Oh, man I love pudding!

London is sitting beside Zack. She has a mirror put on her canvas stand and is putting make up on her face.

London (scoffs): Wow. Beautiful...just one more little touch. (rubs in some make up)

Zack: London, this is not a make up class.

London: Yes, that's exactly what it is. I failed art last semester and they said I needed to take a make up class. (chuckles) Easy A!

Zack: No, London, what they meant was...

Before Zack can finish, London rubs the make up tool in his nose, and he begins to tremble...

Zack: No...achoo!

He sneezes a big blurt of the pudding onto his art canvas. The class lean back in disgust.

Zack (to London): Thanks a lot!

OPENING CREDITS

In the Home Economics kitchen on the ship. Bailey is at a bench sat next to Woody.

Bailey: Woody, I'm glad to see one guy in our school is involved enough to sign up for home ec.

Woody: Oh, I'm just here to hit on Addison. (looks over at a girl at the back) Plus, it's the only class where you can eat your homework.

Addison runs over to Woody and Bailey's bench.

Addison (in a rush): Hey, guys, what do you think we'll make today? Maybe it'll be a salad, or a casserole, or a hearty soup, or...oh, I hope it's something with broccoli! (takes some broccoli from their bench) I love broccoli! It's like eating little trees, makes me feel like I'm a giant. Oh, oh, oh, little tree, then I'm a giant...(bites into it)

Bailey: Whatever keeps her mouth busy.

Cody walks in wearing a chef outfit, Addison goes back to her seat.

Cody: Good morning, class. I am...Mr. Martin. (writes his name on the blackboard). But you may call me sir, or chef, or...sir chef.

Bailey: I think I have a crush on the teacher. (waves at him, Cody gives a half-wave back).

Reina: What happened to Mrs Westfall?

Cody: She was chopping onions when we hit that big wave...yeah, wasn't pretty... Woody: And so they're letting you teach?

Reina: I knew I should've taken art.

Cody: Well, food is art. Art that you can eat.

Woody (gasps): Yes!

Cody (has a tomato): For example, is this a tomato?

The class ad-limb stuff like 'yeah', and 'looks like it'. Cody turns to the demonstration bench and madly cuts at it with his knife. The class look on at him with eagerness, as he turns and shows a rose has been formed out of the tomato.

Cody: Or a rose, for you dinner date?

The class applaud Cody, as he walks by Bailey showing it off to her. She goes to grab it, but Cody walks on to Reina and flatters her with it.

Reina: Oh, you are good.

Cody: Alright, let's starts with some basics. Who knows how to reduce vinegar and shallots to make a beurre blanc? (pause) OK, who knows how to flash caramelise filbert shards? (pause; the class stare at him blankly; continues with a slow voice) OK, who knows what an egg is? (the class all raise their hands)

Bailey: I know everything there is to know about eggs. I've collected them, candled them and even pulled them right out of the cloacae. (pause) The single, multi-purpose opening in the chicken's...

Cody (going to the front): OK, let's save the chicken-chit-chat for the lunchroom. Let's learn how to crack an egg. Or shall I say, four eggs. (cracks four eggs; the class 'whoaw' him. Bailey cracks her egg) And when you're done with that, we're going to make a mirange, so everyone pick up your whisk. (the class look confused) The thing that you used as a wand when you were a kid and dressed up like a fairy princess.

Woody goes over to Addison's bench.

Woody: Whoaw, Addison. I've never seen whisking that fast. Not even from an electric whisker!

Addison: Well, thanks, I'm not even on full speed! (goes even faster)

Cody (walks over): Oh, no, no, no, Addison. (takes control of the whisk) Light touch.

Addison: Oh, oh. That feels right. Mmmm...I'm speechless.

Bailey: That's a first.

Reina: Oh, me, me, me. My turn. (Cody puts the wooden spoon on her tongue) Mmmm...my tastebuds are dancing. They're doing the "miring-ay".

Cody: Oh, very good. (walks off)

Bailey (perturbed): UM!! Aren't we supposed to be whisking?

Cody: Oh, that's right...(looks at roll)...Miss Pickett. Bailey, who is now back at her bench with Woody, gives an open-mouthed gasp at the lack of respect Cody seems to be showing her.



Zack is sitting on his bed, finishing up a piece of artwork.

Zack (as he paints): Zachary...Martin...

London bursts in with a jolt, which causes Zack to spread his paintbrush up over the work.

London: Zack!

Zack: My painting!

London: Zack, I have a problem.

Zack: If this is about your polo-pony needing plastic surgery, I already told you, his face is supposed to look horsy!

London: No, this is about that art class. Turns out, you need to hand in a painting, or you fail! So I need yours. (grabs his fruit-bowl painting)

Zack (snatches it back): Hey, hey, hey, no way, I worked really hard on this!

London: Hmmm...(takes the canvas that Zack sneezed on earlier)...oh, oh, how about this one? I'll give you twenty bucks for it.

Zack: That's the canvas you ruined by making me sneeze pudding.

London: Hey, you see trash, I see D minus! (hands him the money and goes for the door)

Zack: This is awesome!

London: It's just twenty dollars.

Zack: Hey, you see twenty dollars, I see an eight-foot churro!

London gives him a confused glare.



London is walking across the sky deck, holding the painting from Zack. She passes an elder woman.

Mrs Mc Cracken: London.

London: Oh, Mrs McCracken!

They air kiss each other.

London: I haven't seen you since that benefit to buy fur coats for hairless Chihuahua's.

Mrs McCracken: Yes, such a worthy cause.

London: Although they had the jackets on them, they still shook.

Mrs McCracken (points at the canvas): Hmm, what's this?

London: Oh, just a painting I bought.

Mrs McCracken: Oh...(takes the painting from London)...Whoaw...daring...I love the way it explodes on the canvas. It evokes the enigmatic glory of the human condition. Who painted this?

London (tuts): Oh, he's no one.

Mrs McCracken: Oh, an unknown genius. How much did you pay?

London: Twenty.

Mrs McCracken: Twenty thousand? I'll give you thirty thousand.

London: Thirty thousand?

Mrs McCracken: Oh, come on now, a ten thousand dollar profit is nothing to sneeze at.

London (mumbles at first): In this case it is...sold!

Mrs McCracken: And, I'll buy any more you can get.

London's eyes widen, as she walks away. Mrs McCracken goes in the opposite direction. Cody walks over to the juice bar and sits beside Bailey.

Cody: Hey, Bailey.

Bailey: Don't you mean, Miss Picket?

Cody: That's only during school hours. After that you're my little Hay Bail. (Bailey gives a flattered laugh. Addison runs over with a glass bowl)

Addison: Cody! I think I over spiced my gazpacho. I added salt, pepper, garlic, cayenne, cumerine, tumeric, shallots, umantro and a dash of teragon.

Cody: Very experimental, but let's try it.

Cody takes a spoonful and starts choking.

Addison: I also may have blended in my retainer.

Cody: More cilantro, less metal.

Addison: You, are so brilliant. (runs off)

Bailey: Argh, now. Where were we?

Cody: We were...

Reina runs over with her bowl.

Reina: Cody, can you taste my gazpucho?

Bailey: Actually, we were trying to...

Cody (cuts off Bailey): Sure. (Reina spoons some into his mouth) Hmmm...delicious. Someone's been paying attention in class.

Reina: How can I not? Seconds?

Reina goes to spoon some more into Cody's mouth, but Bailey steps in the way and takes the mouthful.

Bailey: Oh, great. Cold tomato soup. Bye! (pushes Reina away)

Cody: Bailey, what's wrong?

Bailey: Nothing, let's just enjoy being alone. Just, you, and me...

A crowd of girls from the class run over to Cody's side with their dishes, making tiny exclamations at him. They push Bailey out of the way.

Bailey (annoyed): And Reina, and Addison, and...(points at one girl)...hey, you're not even in our class!



In London and Bailey's dorm, London is eagerly holding up a canvas to Zack, who has a gravy pot.

Zack: So, you really want another painting?

London: Oh, what can I say? I have a weakness for the finer things. Now hort that gravy out of your schnozz!

Zack takes a mouthful of the gravy, runs over to a feather neck brace and inhales. He sneezes on the canvas.

London (runs back over): Oh, exquisite, exquisite. (hands him cash) Here's another twenty.

Zack: Cool! I've made forty bucks this week, that's a lot of money!

London (fake laugh): It sure is, see ya'! (ushers Zack out the door as Bailey walks in and slams the door)

Bailey: I am madder than a chicken with a clogged cloacae. (pause) All the girls' just can't keep their hands off Cody!

London: Cody who?

Bailey: My Cody! Every time I turn around some girl is shoving a gazpucho in his face.

London (teasingly): Oohh, you're jealous.

Bailey: I am not!

London: Well, whatever you do, don't tell Cody. Never let a boyfriend know you're jealous.

Bailey: I'm telling you, I am NOT jealous!

London: Oh, very convincing. Bailey: Seriously, I'm not jealous!

London: Whoaw, you could be an actress! I mean, if you were pretty. (walks out)



In the home economics kitchen, Bailey walks in to find all the girls are brushing up on their make ups, awaiting the arrival of Cody.

Bailey: Woody, what's going on?

Woody: I don't know...but I feel the strange desire to powder my nose.

Reina: Here comes sir chef!

Reina runs to her seat, and Bailey gives her a nasty glare.

Cody: Hello, class.

GIRLS (except Bailey): Hello, Mr Martin.

Woody (out of sync with the rest): ...Mr Martin...

Cody: OK, girls...and Woody. Today we're going to need chabarda dough.

Girls (except Bailey): Ooohhh...

Cody: Now, the key is not work from the wrist, but from the upper arm. (demonstrates on the front bench)

Girls (except Bailey): Ooohhh...

Woody walks over to Addison holding some cooking ingredients.

Woody: Hey Addison. I bought you some flowers. Bleached and wholegrain. Get it?

Cody: Woody, is my teaching getting in the way of your talking?

Woody: Sorry, Mr Martin...(goes back to his bench)

Cody: Now, if you're doing it right, you should feel it in the tri-cep.

All the girls and Woody run to the front to feel Cody's muscle.

Reina: Whoaw...

Woody: ...impressive...

Cody: Woody!

Woody: Sorry, Mr Martin...

Bailey: Um, um...aren't we supposed to be getting our assignments back today?

Cody: Well, considering I ate them, I don't think you'd like that. So, instead, I frosted your grades onto these cookies.

He grabs a basket of cookies and starts distributing them.

Cody: Woody...Reina...Addison...

Reina: I got an A!

Addison: Me too!

Bailey: A C plus? (walks over to the bench) Woody, what did you get?

Woody (through a mouthful of food): Guess I forgot to look.

Bailey (as the girls go back to their benches): Um, excuse me, Mr Martin, argh...you didn't like my gazpucho?

Cody: It was...traditional...but Addison made hers extra chunky. And Reina added mint. Sometimes a guy just wants to try something new.

Reina walks over to Bailey's bench and waves her wooden spoon in her face.

Reina (teasingly): Yeah. Sometimes the same old, same old can get so boring.

Bailey takes the wooden spoon from Reina and snaps it in half.

Reina (gasps): Mr Martin! Bailey broke my spoon.

Cody: Miss Picket! Abusing kitchen utensils is an automatic demerit. I'm afraid I'm going to have to lower your grade to a C.

Cody puts his hand out for the cookie, and Bailey hands it to him. He takes a bite from the edge (which is obviously the +), and walks off smartly.



Cody walks down and joins Bailey at the sky deck.

Cody: Hey, Bailey. They're showing Casablanca in the theatre. Wanna' go?

Bailey: Aren't you busy with your students?

Cody: Well, actually, they're the ones who arranged it. I like too break down the teacher student barrier, connect with the kids.

Bailey: You can connect without me. (turns away)

Cody: Oh, I know what's going on here. You're mad because I gave you a C. L...look if you want, I can take another look at your grade.

Bailey: OK, first of all, you can't, because Woody ate my grade. And second, I'm not mad about the C. If you don't understand what's going on here, that just shows how incredibly insensitive and clueless you are!

Cody: So...I'm guessing you don't want to go to the movie?

Bailey leans in on him angrily, and he runs off. She turns to the towel counter as Woody runs over.

Woody: What's wrong, Bailey?

Bailey: I'm loosing my guy.

Woody: Tell me about it. I'm loosing my gal! She's at Casablanca with Mr Martin.

Bailey: It's not Cody's fault he's so irresistible…(turning back to Woody)...oh, why don't you tell Lancky-Mac-Stanky and her friends to settle down?

Woody (gasp): You might talk like that on the farm, but we do not speak about ladies that way in Cleveland!

Bailey: You're right, Woody. We should be working together, not fighting. Wait a minute, I bet we could solve this home ec problem by cooking something up ourselves...

Woody (gasp): Like lamb chops? I love lamb chops!

Bailey: I'm talking about making Cody jealous.

Woody: Because we have lamb chops and he doesn't!

Bailey shakes her head and walks away, Woody following. Mrs McCracken is walking along with the painting from London, and Zack approaches her.

Zack: Argh, excuse me ma'am, where did you get that?

Mrs McCracken: Oh, it's wonderful isn't it. It's called "Inner Peace"...

Zack: Argh, no, it's called Inner Peas.

Mrs McCracken: Oh, you're familiar with the artist?

Zack: Oh, quite familiar. We're about as close as two people can get.

Mrs McCracken: It's rumoured that he's a tortured, French genius. (with a French accent on Zack's name) Zachary Martin is going to be the next big thing, I'm buying as much as I can.

Zack (circling her): Whoaw, whoaw, whoaw, whoaw. You bought that? May I ask how much you paid?

Mrs McCracken: Oh, I got it for a steal, I only paid thirty. Oh, Flora...(walks off)

Zack (flared): THIRTY DOLLARS?

He storms off…



Zack is knocking on London's door.

Zack (shouting): London, you open this door immediately!

London has been walking over from behind.

London: Okey-dokey.

London opens the door and steps in, closing it on Zack's face. He knocks on the door again.

Zack (V/O from outside): London, you open this door immediately! ...again!!

London (opening door): Oh. Hi Zack!! (waves)

Zack steps in, making flared inhales.

London: Wait. Why aren't you working on your latest master-sneeze?

Zack: I know your secret!

London: OK, so I had my ears done. But this is what they looked like before! (shows him a photo)

Zack: Not that! (looks at photo) ...whoaw. (pause) No, I'm talking about you selling my paintings for a profit!

London: Well did you think I'd sell them for a loss?

Zack: But you haven't been sharing with me!

London: You got your twenty dollars!

Zack: But what about the rest?

London: I have expenses.

Zack: Like what?

London: Frames...and hooks...outfits to wear when I buy frames and hooks! You know, thirty thousand dollars doesn't go as far as it used too.

Zack gives a squeal after hearing the digits of money that London has just spoken to him.

Zack (struggles to get the words out): Thirty...thousand...dollars?

London: I know it's not that much, but you're just starting out.

Zack: Well, yeah, it's not that much to you, but that's more than I'll make in my entire life!

London (covers her mouth): Oohh...that's sad.

Zack: Well you know what's sad? Is that you're my friend and you're exploiting me!

London (laughs): Oh, no I'm not!

London shoves some food into Zack's mouth, blows on him and goes to get a canvas. As he tries to hold in the sneeze, London holds up the canvas...and as he does end up sneezing on it, London overlooks it.

London: Oh, beautiful. Let me get your twenty bucks.

Zack: No, no! (steals the canvas) If you want an original, you can pay market price. (French accent on his name) Zachary Martin is going into the business for himself!

Pointing at her, he runs out and closes the door behind him.

London (to herself): I hope it's not as a dialogue coach, because that accent (sarcastic)...whoaw.



In the home economics kitchen, Cody is at the demonstration bench.

Cody: Today we will be exploring the glory of the potato. Or as the French call it, the apple of the earth.

Bailey (showing off): Woody, could you help me with my potato, you big, handsome man?

Woody: Sure…(under his breath)...but aren't we supposed to be starting the plan?

Bailey: This is the plan! (showing off) Could you maybe help me mash some potatoes, you're so STRONG and CUT.

Bailey feels across Woody's arm and he flinches back.

Woody (laughs): It tickles! Oh, I mean...(showing off)...I would be happy to help out a gorgeous female person such as yourself.

Woody steps up and goes to mash Bailey's raw potato on the bench.

Woody (with struggle) ...almost got it...(potato drops on ground)...

Bailey: You might want to use the cooked ones!

Woody: Oh...(takes one from the pot)...hot, hot, hot, hot!

He has been running with the 'hot' potato and runs into a cabinet, falling flat on the ground.

Cody: Woody, are you OK?

Woody (V/O from ground): Yeah...my hair took most of the blow...

As Cody goes to the front, Woody goes and stands by Bailey.

Bailey: OK, this plan, is not working out. We need to do something that doesn't require any skill or manly abilities.

Woody: Oh, I have manly abilities. Check this.

Woody takes Bailey and leans her down on the ground.

Cody: Bailey! What are you doing?

Reina: Clearly, she's interested in another guy. Lucky you, because you get me!

Reina walks over and leans Cody down like Woody did Bailey, only kissing him this time...

Bailey: Oohh, that's it, Miss Guzpucho, you're going down!

Bailey pokes her on the behind with a kitchen tool.

Bailey (turns to the rest of the class): Yeah, uh-huh, that's what happens.

Reina spanks Bailey on the behind as she turns with her wooden spoon.

Bailey: Oh!

The two of them grab the appropriate equipment and fight in a dual.

Cody: Help! Help! There's a fight, someone get a teacher! What are you doing?

Woody (whispering): You are the teacher!

Cody: Oh, yeah. Rats!! (runs in between Bailey and Reina) Ladies, ladies, put those utensils down! You'll damage the non-stick coating! Ladies!!

Despite Cody's cries of complaints, the two chase each other with their utensils up to the front. Bailey throws some lettuce at Reina.

Bailey: How dare you kiss my boyfriend!

Reina: What do you care? You're into Woody now!

Bailey: Woody? Oh, please! I wouldn't date him even if he was the last guy on the planet.

Woody: Hey!

Bailey: Oh, Woody, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it like that...(some lettuce is thrown at Bailey from behind) Oh, that's it!!!

Reina gets a hand-beater and starts aiming for Bailey's hair.

Bailey: Aargh, not the hair, not the hair, not the hair! (backing away)

Cody (steps in between): Can we settle this...

They push Cody out of the way. Reina goes to a front bench and Bailey goes to a back bench. They start throwing potatoes at each other. Somewhere along the way, Addison gets in the middle of it all.

Woody: I'll protect you, Addison!

Woody jumps in front of Addison and takes a potato serving for her. He falls to the ground, Addison runs to his side.

Addison: Woody!

Woody: Oh, I'm just glad I could take a roll for you.

Addison (oven timer beeps): Oh! My soufflé is done! (drops Woody and runs off)



Zack is dressed up as a French artist, and is urging the audience of his auction to hush. He is holding a piece of bread, and has a canvas with one of his sneeze paintings on display. Zack (with a French accent until indicated otherwise): This is your prime opportunity to buy an original Zachary Martin from the artist himself. (London has walked in by now) That would be m'wa.

London (sits next to Mrs McCracken): What is going on here?

Mrs McCracken: Oh, as if you didn't know. Zachary Martin is auctioning off his latest works.

Zack: Aargh, this is the first piece up for bid. I call it, portrait of a fat lazy American. (chuckle) We will start the bidding at a mere...hmmm...thirty thousand dollars.

Mrs McCracken (to London): Don't think you're going to outbid me.

London: Actually, I'm not buying any more (with French accent) Zachary Martin.

Mrs McCracken: You aren't?

Zack: OK, OK. You know times, they are tough. Why do we not say, twenty thousand. (some of the audience get up and leave) Do I not hear a ten? 'Cause all I hear is the sound of people leaving!

Mrs McCracken (to London): You know, I can see why you're disillusioned. When I first saw his work, it spoke to my soul, in the hushed, breathy tones of a weeping angels. (London is confused) ...and now, it just looks like...

London (cutting her off): Someone sneezed grape jelly on canvas?

Mrs McCracken: Bingo!

Mrs McCracken is the last of the audience to walk off, leaving only London.

Zack (calling after her; resumes normal accent): Um, how about a hundred? Fifty?

London: I'll give you twenty bucks for it. I still need something to hand in for class.

Zack: But I don't understand. Yesterday people were willing to spend thirty thousand dollars on my art.

London: Look, I told you, you needed me. People only wanted your stuff because I wanted it.

Zack: London, you talk advantage of me for thousands and thousands of dollars!

London: Hey, times are tough! Daddy cut my allowance down to three gold bars a week.

Zack: I can't even afford three chocolate bars a week! You could have shared the profits evenly.

London (pause): You're right, I'll give you your half. I spent the money on this outfit so what days do you want to wear it?

Zack: London!

London: OK, I'm sorry. Look, it's just hard to get away from what you're taught growing up. When I was a little girl, my daddy always used to say, (yells), money is more important than friendship! Zack: That's awful, why did he yell?

London: Oh, he didn't. Everything just sounded really loud because I had those big ears.



Bailey and Cody are cleaning up after the food fight in the home economics kitchen. Bailey is on the floor, and Cody is standing.

Cody: Bailey, what's going on with you? You're acting up in class, you're fighting, you're horribly misusing kitchen utensils.

Bailey: Well excuse me if I'm upset because all the girls in class are falling all over you.

Cody: What?

Bailey: I see the way they flirt with you. And you don't do anything to stop them. (stands)

Cody: Well, really? They're flirting with me?

Bailey: Yes! It's disgusting.

Cody (tuts): ...yeah...(pause; paces; turns back to Bailey)...all of them?

Bailey: How could you not notice?

Cody: 'Cause you're the only girl I notice.

Bailey: Oh. (hugs Cody) Then how come you treated me so coldly in class?

Cody: Well, I'm the teacher. I can't show favouritism, especially to my favourite girl.

Bailey gives a flattered laugh again. They walk to the front of the room.

Cody: From now on, if you're upset, just tell me.

Bailey: Y...you're right.

Zack runs in from the back entrance.

Zack: I heard there was a food fight! Sick! (peers around) Oh, man...I missed it?

Bailey and Cody start throwing potatoes at him.

Cody: Here.

Zack is forced up to the back of the room. He catches something that Bailey throws at him.

Zack: Oh, ciabatta!

Zack runs out, as Bailey and Cody share another hug.