Couples Costume

Back in the day, trick-or-treating was my jam. I'd spend months making the most epic Halloween costumes the '80s had ever seen. I was a master of tape and glue-gunning. My costumes were not only awesome, but they were also topical.

I'm the coolest E.T. ever.

And I'm Elliot, E.T.'s owner!

...until my mom turned them into couples costumes.

Look out, Jenkintown.

Here comes a Ghostbuster!

It was embarrassing.

And I'm his stay puft marshmallow mom.

And every year, it got worse.

Freeze, creep. I'm Robocop.

And I'm Ed-209, Omnicorp's foray first foray into robotic policing.

I'm Indy!

...and it got more frustrating.

And I'm Mork.

I thought you said you were going as Mindy.

Why would I be going as Mindy?

Well, I guess we're Mork and Indy.

[Chuckles]

But not this year. My girl was in town, and she'd be the Ripley to my Alien.

I love us.

Me too.

Which I why I want you to have this.

Oh, my god.

Our promise ring.

I know you gave it back when you moved, but I think we've proved nothing can stand between us.

[Dramatic music plays]

Hey, Boopie.

What the hell?!

It's me. It's Mama. I'm the Predator.

[Smooching sounds]

Stop it.

The Predator doesn't talk with smooches.

He clicks.

Well, this predator kisses instead of kills.

You're ruining the property.

Or is Preda-mom making it better?

I told you, this year, I'm doing a couples costume with the person I'm actually in a couple with.

Hi, Mrs. Goldberg.

Dana. Look.

Your alien movie has nothing to do with my costume, at least not that I know of.

[Chuckling] God.

What?

Oh, my god. What is -- it's your favorite comic book, "alien versus predator"?

Now, when did these two get to know each other?

You said our costume was mom-proof.

I forgot about the crossover.

This is a very happy coincidence.

We're gonna make quite the trio.

No. You are not following us around tonight in that costume.

You want me to follow you around without a costume?

Come on. I'm gonna look crazy.

I don't need my mom's help to go trick-or-treating.

I'm going with Dana.

Not you.

Oh. Okay.

I guess I'll just go.

Have a good time without me.

If you need me, just call my name...

For anything.

Or I could just stay if you want.

[Footsteps]

Did someone call me?

I thought I heard, "please don't go."

No?

Is there another way out of here?

Nope.

[Sighs]

Call if you need me.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪ ♪ but nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪ ♪ I don't know the future ♪ ♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was October 31, 1980-something, and my siblings were hard at work strategizing how to beat Halloween.

Okay, here's our path through Jenkintown.

First, we hit Tom McFadden's Kegger, then we head north and hit these three parties.

Ooh, are you planning a candy route?

We should combine our data.

May I?

You may.

Nerd punch!

Ow!

What was that for?

Dude! Your girlfriend came across the ocean to be with you.

Dana lives in Seattle.

Exactly. Do you really think she wants to spend her one night in America collecting candy like a little toddler?

But that's w-what we always do.

It's what you did. You're adults now.

Just listen to your deep, yet still high weird voice.

Hurtful, but continue.

It's Halloween, dude -- a night for romance.

This holiday's all about girls getting scared and running to a big, strong man for protection.

It's evolution.

Idiot punch.

Ow.

But he's got a point.

We do pretend to be scared to make it easy for boys because we feel bad for them.

Wow. Okay.

So I should take her someplace scary.

Like JCPenney?

What?

What?

They put a bunch of spider webs up in their mattress display.

You know they're fake, but they make you think, "What if my bed had spiders?"

Oh, my god, no.

There's a frat at Villanova that runs an awesome haunted house.

Take her there.

What? You want me to pay money to get tortured when candy is free?

Nut up, bro.

It's just a stupid haunted house.

You'll be fine.

Hey. Ready to head out?

Uh, yeah. Question.

What would you rather do tonight -- get unlimited free nougaty candy...

[Mumbling] ...Or go to a haunted house?

What?

[Mumbling] Or go to a haunted house?

What?

Free candy? [Chuckles]

Or go to a lame haunted house -- super-boring.

A haunted house does sound cool, although, I might need you to protect me.

Told you.

Haunted house it is.

Hopefully they have friendly ghosts like Casper.

Actually, Casper weirds me out, too.

Nerd punch!

Ow!

As I was facing my first grown-up Halloween, my mom was facing her first one alone.

What are you up to?

Hiding a deadly razor in some candy.

Okay.

Don't you judge me.

I'm just creating a visual aid to show Adam the dangers of getting candy from strangers without his mother.

See? This used to be fun-size.

Now it's terror-size.

You know what's terrifying?

The fact that you still want to go trick-or-treating in matching costumes with your almost-adult son.

I don't want to.

I have to for his safety.

Halloween is a night where gangs of street toughs roam the sidewalks looking to rough up children and take their candy.

Street toughs?

In Jenkintown?

They drive in.

And don't even get me started on the kidnappers.

They hitch a ride with the street toughs.

So they're all carpooling.

Maybe they're taking the bus.

What kind of bus is this?

The point is, I don't do this for me.

Trick-or-treating is a nightmare, and I can't wait for Adam to give it up.

Hey, ma, me and Dana decided to go to a haunted house this year.

We'll be back by 9:00.

But what about trick-or-treating?

I have a visual aid to prove a point that now doesn't matter.

Yeah, we're over it.

But -- we always -- we Al-- we always -- candy.

Just go.

[Door opens, closes] Well, there you go, Bevy.

Nightmare's over.

Yeah. This is just what I wanted.

[Chuckles]

Maybe I'll make myself useful by dusting or by...Sitting in my room in the dark to save on electricity.

I'll figure something out.

Could I eat that?

Well, that's never stopped me before.

Moron!

There's a razor in it.

You win this round, old man.

While my mom's Halloween was falling apart, mine was coming together.

Aww. I love this ring.

I'll never take it off again.

Besides being a beautiful symbol of our love, that bad boy really makes your eyes pop.

Aww.

[Screaming]

[Chainsaw motor revving]

Whoa.

I didn't think this was gonna be so scary.

[Screaming]

Don't worry, girl. Ad-rock's here to protect you.

Yep, I was the man. In that moment, I couldn't believe I ever doubted Barry and Erica. And then a moment later, I remembered why I did.

[Door hinges creak, door slams]

But since this was all for love, I knew I could handle some cobwebs and fog...

[Growls]

[Both scream]

...but not a werewolf...

[Chainsaw motor revs]

...Or a dude with a chainsaw. And so I used Dana as a human shield...

Aah! Aaah! Balls, balls, balls, balls! Aaaah!

...and then ditched her and ran for my life.

Oh. Hey. Lost you in there. Sup?

Hopefully she didn't notice.

You used me as a human shield.

She noticed.

Babe, it -- it was just a goof.

As you ran out, you screamed "kill her, not me!"

You got to commit hard to the bit, right?

Oh, god.

My ring's gone.

I must have lost it back there.

You got to go get it for me.

Um...

Can I just get you a new one?

I lied about it making your eyes pop.

It makes them look gross.

[Scoffs]

Whatever.

Are you mad?

No.

I'm just tired.

I actually think I'm gonna go.

Happy Halloween.

She's not tired, bro.

[Gasps] It can taaaalk!

While my Halloween had turned sour, pops was busy handing out sweets.

Ooh! Look at you!

It's spider-guy, strawberry flapjacks, and hey!

It's Herman the frog.

Wokkity! Wokkity!

Everything you're saying is wrong.

Enjoy!

Oh, there she is. Happy Halloween, pumpkin!

There will be no more happy Halloweens, not if I can't be out there with my little nub-nub.

I assume that's Adam.

Adam is my nub-nub, yes.

I don't care for nub-nub.

It -- it sounds wrong to the ear.

It's just... Adam was the last one.

Now what's the point to Halloween?

Hey.

You still got me.

Come on, hand out some candy.

Dad, have you been handing out this candy the whole time?

Yeah, why?

Uh, where is my deadly candy bar?

What's happening?

Where's my deadly razor candy bar?

What's happening?

I jammed a lady razor into a delicious treat to show Adam any crazy person could do it.

Why would you do that?

You know what a safety nut I am!

I did it for safety!

That is the opposite of safety!

I know!

Oh, god. I got to go find it!

I must save the children!

And save them she would.

Safety check!

Give me your candy.

No.

I'm not asking, I'm taking.

Give it. No!

Give it!

Young man!

Young man.

I'm not a street tough, I'm a concerned mama.

I'm here for safety.

Run towards safety.

Run towards safety and away from the razors.

Spider-man, give me your [Bleep] candy!

I'm saving lives.

I'm saving lives!

♪

Halloween was in full swing, and the night would be more trick than treat.

Yo! Guess who I am.

Bruce Lee?

What? No!

I'm Chuck Norris!

Oh, yeah.

It's kind of hard to read. Can I fix it?

Please do.

Perfect.

You're a good person.

Thanks for nothing, jerks!

You ruined my Halloween, you ruined my relationship, and you ruined my underpants.

I haven't actually checked yet, but I know what I'm in for!

Can we do this later?

Suck Norris and I have several parties to hit.

What?

No, you can't go.

I took your stupid advice, and I freaked out in that haunted house like a scared little baby.

Dude, it's not our fault you're a nervous, jumpy, wuss-bag.

Dana dropped her promise ring in that haunted house.

Barry, you got to go in there and get it.

No way. We have six parties to hit.

Come on, just help me.

You're always bragging that you're literally not scared of anything on earth.

Or stuff in the sky, like birds or meteors.

And you've said many times that you have the strength of 10 men.

And 44 medium-sized children.

And you have claimed you're an unstoppable killing force.

I did karate kick a jellyfish at the beach that one time.

It stung pretty bad, but he floated away lifeless.

My god! Just go and do it already.

Oh, fine.

I guess this is my burden to bear since I'm the one born with extra testosterone and no fear.

You'll really help me?

Dude, if anyone can find that ring, it's this guy.

As I was in search of my ring, my mom was hunting down her razor candy.

I'm home! Come quick, I need your help.

Holy crap!

Did you take all that from the tiny hands of little children?

And this.

Bevy, the razor's not in there.

But it might be in here.

I threw it away!

You power-walked out of here like a panther!

We couldn't find you!

Well, this is...Concerning.

You -- you have another bag, don't you?

She did.

[Grunts]

She also had three more in the car.

Heavy. I got it.

How far did you walk?!

Well, I didn't know if that razor made it to the next town.

I had to be sure.

[Thudding]

And all those kids she stole candy from were for sure gonna get their revenge... With a few dozen eggs.

What are they doing?

Egging our house!

Which we deserve.

This is gonna stain our aluminum siding!

Again, well-deserved!

Just give them the candy back.

[Thudding continues]

The only thing they're getting is a lecture.

My mom stormed into the dark night to defend our home against Kermit the frog and strawberry shortcake.

This...Is a waste... Of groceries!

[Grunts]

But it became an Alien standoff -- Predator versus Alf.

Look both ways when you cross the street!

Turns out, years of power-walking made her a power-runner, and Alf's little legs were no match for my angry smother.

Hey, Bar, we don't say this stuff much, but you're a good brother for going in there for me.

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks, I'm just gonna -- yeah, yeah.

Are you okay, man?

Of course I'm okay.

Why wouldn't I be okay? I'm an adult.

[Chainsaw motor revs]

Aah!

What was that?

Are you okay, man?!

Yeah! I just had the bravery shakes, god.

What's happening with you right now?

Look, I know for some reason you think I have extra testosterone and no fear.

Yeah, 'cause you've said those exact words for the last 10 years.

Right, but the truth is, I actually have a normal amount of testosterone and a tremendous amount of fear.

Then why would you say it?

I say it 'cause people finding out about my fear is my greatest fear.

[Groans]

Fine! Erica, you go in.

Pass.

Seriously? You're scared of haunted houses, too?

Hell, no.

But there's a frat guy I made out with in there, and if I see him, I know I'll fall right back into it.

And that's my greatest fear...

Or at least something I would like to avoid.

Come on! Safety in numbers!

We just have to stick together.

Okay, let's do this.

But, wait!

How's my hair?

Good.

Yeah.

And with that, the three of faced our fears. The plan was simple -- stick together at all costs.

[Door hinges creak, door slams]

[All gasp]

[Chainsaw motor revs]

[All scream]

[Chainsaw stops]

Yo, pretty, pretty.

Hey, Anton!

Go, just go. Leave me.

But what about sticking together?

So, Anton, did you like, um, lose my number or something?

The ring's got to be around here somewhere.

[Roars]

[Both scream]

My ankle!

Adam, help me!

I can't hear you through the fog!

That's not how fog works!

Goodbye, Barry!

You were a terrible brother, but I love you!

That night, I wasn't the only one facing an angry monster.

Shame on you kids.

Running around like hooligans in the night, egging my house.

[Chuckles] Your mothers have failed as mothers, and they are gonna be livid when I call them.

Hello.

May I give you another take on this situation?

Not now. I'm on a roll.

Has it occurred to you that these children's parents might think differently, given all the facts?

It has not occurred to me and will continue to not occur to me.

Well, it occurs to me you've become everything you fear on Halloween.

Please. I have not.

You hid a razor in a chocolate bar.

To prove a point.

You stole candy from children like a street tough.

To protect them.

And then there's the kidnappings.

All I did was round them up and force them into my house and -- oh, my god, that is bad.

[Gasps]

Hiya, guys.

On your way out, you'll each find a bag of candy that I put a $5 bill in, so maybe you shouldn't mention this to your parents.

And by the way, have a happy Halloween.

Your wife's nuts, dude.

[Laughing] Oh, yeah.

Kermit's right.

I really did lose it tonight.

It's just Halloween. Who cares?

Don't you understand what this night means to me?

[Sighs]

No matter how old Adam got, he was always so happy when we would go out and get candy.

His smile, the excitement, his sweaty little hand reaching up to grab mine, and now his sweaty little hand is grabbing someone else's.

He'll never need me again.

You got anything savory?

Please leave.

That night my mom realized it was time to let go of her kids on Halloween, and my dad realized he could help her through it.

Hey.

Look at me.

I'm an alien man just like you. Na-nu, na-nu.

What are you doing? What is this?

I thought, "well, if you're in a couples costume, you might as well be with someone you're in an actual couple with."

You put together this stupid thing for me?

Yeah, you know, I'm not one for sentimental crap.

God! Son of a bitch!

Just take it off.

I can't!

This is a child's helmet.

It's like sucking on my head.

My head's in a vacuum.

Why would you just jam it on?

The more you pull it off, the more it clamps!

Why would you do this?!

I just thought, you know, you can't have Halloween with the kids anymore, and maybe you could have Halloween with me.

That is so sweet.

And I would love that.

Mama, I need you!

Move!

Boopie, what's wrong?!

It's Barry!

He twisted his ankle in the haunted house.

Oh, no. Where's Erica?

She's in there, too, with a frat boy named Anton.

Oh, hell, no!

♪ We're running with the shadows of the night ♪

All right, so we'll put a pin in the couples costume.

♪ Surrender all your dreams to me tonight ♪

Maybe after Adam goes to college.

♪ They'll come true ♪

[Groans]

♪ In the end ♪ ♪

[Growls]

Turns out, that night, the scariest thing in that haunted house was my mom.

What the...?

Move it!

Out of my way!

♪ You said, oh, girl ♪ ♪ back off, punk! ♪ ♪ It's a cold world ♪ ♪ Ohh! ♪ ♪ When you keep it all to yourself ♪

Mom kick!

Mom slap!

♪ I said, you can't hide ♪

You! Out!

Damn it! Call me?

♪ on the inside ♪ ♪ all the pain you've ever felt ♪

Do not call her!

Dana's ring wasn't the only thing I found that night.

♪ ransom my heart ♪

I also discovered...

♪ but, baby, don't look back ♪

.. that my mom and I made quite the team.

♪ 'cause we got nobody else ♪

I found the ring.

Then go.

I'll stay and find your brother.

♪ We're running with the shadows of the night ♪

Thanks, mama.

You got it, my little alien.

♪ So, baby, take my hand ♪ ♪ it'll be all right ♪

And even though that was our last couples costume, it turned out to be the best one ever.

♪ Surrender all your dreams to me tonight ♪ ♪ they'll come true in the end ♪

As much as my mom savored every single Halloween when I was little, this was the one she'd remember forever.

Aah! My ankle.

♪ You know that sometimes ♪

It's all right, love bug.

You're safe now.

♪ It feels like ♪

You hear that, bar? Mom saved us.

♪ It's all moving way too fast ♪

We are the luckiest kids in the world.

You're grounded for a month.

For sure. [Chuckles]

♪ Use every alibi and words you deny ♪ ♪ that love ain't meant to last ♪ ♪ you can cry tough, baby ♪ ♪ it's all right ♪

That's the thing about love.

♪ You can let me down easy ♪

When you face your fears...

♪ but not tonight ♪

.. you can finally take off your mask and show people who you really are.

♪ We're running with the shadows of the night ♪ ♪ so, baby, take my hand, it'll be all right ♪

Sorry for using you as a human shield and all.

♪ Surrender all your dreams to me tonight ♪

Well, you went back in.

♪ They'll come true ♪

It was so scary in there.

♪ In the end ♪

It was, but losing you was even scarier.

♪ We're running with the shadows of the night ♪

You know, Halloween isn't over.

It -- it's not too late to get some candy.

♪ So, baby, take my hand it'll be all right Candy sounds great.

♪ Surrender all your dreams to me tonight ♪

So my first Halloween ended the way it always did -- [laughs] With me and Dana getting candy.

♪ They'll come true in the end ♪

And it couldn't have been more perfect.

You gonna go keep him safe?

♪ We're running with the shadows of the night ♪

Actually, I think he'll be all right without me.

♪ So, baby, take my hand, it'll be all right ♪

But watching from a distance can't hurt.

♪ Surrender all your dreams to me tonight ♪ ♪ they'll come true in the end ♪

Growing up, there's a lot to be afraid of, but when you know in your heart your family has your back, nothing in life is scary.

♪

Boy: Yo, man, this place is really crazy.

Boy #2: I know. God, it looks scary in the dark.

Oh, this is so creepy.

Look at the cobwebs.

Whoa.

What's that?

Oh.

What was that?!

Man: Aah! [Screams]

Beverly: Who wants waffles?

Kids, come on down!

Here you go, Murray.

[Plate shatters]

Oops. I almost forgot --

I need to get the kids' lunch money.

Mom's got to stop wearing her old Halloween costume.

She won't.

Whoever's standing there, let go of my purse.

Her new perm didn't settle right.

She doesn't want anyone to see what's going on under there.

[Thumping]

[Laughs] Still getting the hang of this thing.

Yeah, we should go.

Help your mother.

You have 30 seconds to comply.