BoJack Horseman: The BoJack Horseman Story, Chapter One

V/O: Horsin' Around is filmed before a live studio audience.

ENT: Kitchen of an 80's furnished house

Bojack is in a loud orange sweatshirt doing dishes and young Sarah plops down at the table in a bad mood

SABRINA: [sighs] Mondays.

BOJACK: [laughs] Well, good morning to you too.

SABRINA: Oh, hey.

BoJack drops his plate and looks around for some hay; Sarah giggles

BOJACK: Where? I'd love hay.

ENT: Charlie Rose interviewing BoJack

CHARLIE ROSE: In 1987, the situation comedy Horsin' Around premiered on ABC.

BoJack is shown sharing a giant bowl of ice cream with a happy family; in another picture he is eating it all to himself and the family is sad

CHARLIE ROSE: The show, in which a young, bachelor horse is forced to reevaluate his priorities when he agrees to raise three human children, was initially dismissed by critics as broad and saccharine and not good, but the family comedy struck a chord with America and went on to air for nine seasons. The star of Horsin' Around, BoJack Horseman, is our guest tonight. Welcome, BoJack.

BOJACK: It is good to be here, Charlie. Sorry I was late. The traffic-

CHARLIE ROSE: It's really no problem.

BOJACK: I parked in a handicapped spot. I hope that's okay.

CHARLIE ROSE: You parked in a-

BOJACK: I'm sorry, disabled spot. Is that the proper nomenclature?

CHARLIE ROSE: Maybe you should move the car.

BOJACK: No, I don't think I should drive right now. I'm incredibly drunk.

CHARLIE ROSE: You're telling me that you're drunk right now?

BOJACK: Is it just me, or am I nailing this interview? I kind of feel like I'm nailing it.

CHARLIE ROSE: Yes. Anyway, we were talking about Horsin' Around. To what do you attribute the show's wide appeal?

BOJACK: Charlie, listen, you know, I know that it's very hip these days to shit all over Horsin' Around, but at the time, I can tell you - Is it okay to say "shit"? -

CHARLIE ROSE: Please don't.

BOJACK: 'Cause I I think the show's actually pretty solid for what it is. It's not Ibsen, sure, but look, for a lot of people, life is just one long, hard kick in the urethra, and sometimes when you get home from a long day of getting kicked in the urethra, you just want to watch a show about good, likable people who love each other, where, you know, no matter what happens, at the end of 30 minutes, everything's gonna turn out okay. You know, because in real life Did I already say the thing about the urethra?

CHARLIE ROSE: Well, let's talk about real life. What have you been doing since the show's cancellation?

BOJACK: That's a great question, Charlie. I, uh Uh, I Um

Intro with funky electronic music

CROWD Maury! Maury! Maury! Maury!

Maury Povich is on the television delivering the 'bad' news to a turtle, who promptly hides in his shell

MAURY: In the case of one-year-old Phoenix, you are the father.

In Bojacks house

TODD: Morning, sunshine.

BOJACK: [groans]

TODD: Why so gloomy, roomie?

BOJACK: First of all, we're not roommates. You are my houseguest.

TODD: Well, we don't need to put labels on things.

BOJACK: You sleep on my couch, and you don't pay rent. I've had tapeworms that were less parasitic. I don't even remember why I let you stay with me in the first place.

TODD: Because my parents kicked me out, and I had nowhere to go, and even though you don't want anyone to know it-

Bojack prepares himself a smoothie of carrots, vitamins,and vodka for breakfast

[blender whirring]

Bojack purposely cuts off Todd with the blender. Todd patiently waits to resume speaking

TODD: You secretly have a good heart.

BOJACK: You told me they didn't approve of your "alternative lifestyle. I thought you were, like, a troubled gay teen or something. I didn't realize by "alternative lifestyle" that you meant you were lazy.

TOD: That's on you for making assumptions. Also, if you're looking for the Toaster Strudels, I got really high last night and ate them all.

BOJACK: [sighs]

TODD: Did you say you've had tapeworms?

[upbeat music]

ENT: Diner

A raccoon is rummaging through a dumpster and disturbs another raccoon

PINKY: Thanks for meeting me here. I would have invited you to my office, but the electric company shut off our power.

BOJACK: That's unfortunate.

PINKY: Just an issue with the bank and a lack of money in it. Now, as you know, Penguin is very eager to publish your memoirs, but you keep missing your deadlines.

BOJACK: I know, and I'm sorry, but I am making great progress.

Flashback to Bojack in his office lazily speaking into a tape recorder. A whole day goes by and he hasn't gotten anywhere

BOJACK: BoJack Horseman: The BoJack Horseman Story, written by BoJack Horseman. Chapter one. Chapter one. Chapter One.

PINKY: Look, we really need a bestseller here at Penguin. Things are not that great for me, money wise.

BOJACK: Aren't you an editor at a major publishing house?

PINKY: Yeah, a publishing house. When was the last time you saw a book?

BOJACK: I thought I saw someone reading one in the park the other day, but it turned out it was a takeout menu.

WAITRESS: Whenever you're ready.

PINKY: [clears throat]

BOJACK: [sighs]

Bojack pulls out his wallet to cover the tab

PINKY: We're living month to month here. We're kind of counting on your autobiography to save the company, no pressure.

BOJACK: That's actually a lot of pressure.

PINKY: Have you considered working with a ghostwriter?

BOJACK: Ugh, no, thank you. Look, just give me one more week, and I will give you some pages that'll knock your ass back to the South Pole.

PINKY: I'm from Cincinnati. It - that doesn't matter. I'll call you in a week.

BOJACK: Yes, one week. I'm telling you, this book is a top priority for me.

ENT: Bojack's living room

Bojack is drinking a beer and watching a rerun of 'Horsin' Around; his cell phone rings and he ignores it

BOJACK: Oh, right. Yeesh.

BOJACK ON TV: You're wearing that to the prom?

SARAH: What, you don't think it's cute?

BOJACK ON TV: Neigh way, Jose.

BOJACK: [laughs] "Neigh way, Jose." I improvised that line. I mean, it was written, but I gave it the old BoJack spin.

TODD: Hey, how many times have you watched this episode?

BOJACK: Yeah, but do you get it, though? Because "nay" means no, but it's also a thing that horses say. It works on every level.

TODD: I get it.

BOJACK: Ah, you don't get it.

[cheerful music on TV] Three little orphans One, two, three Without a home Or a family tree Until this horse said "Live with me" And now we've got A new family We were lost And now we're found And we're Horsin' around [neighs]

BOJAC: [belches]

TODD: Are you drunk?

BOJACK: Todd, I weigh over 1,200 pounds. It takes a lot of beer to get me drunk.

Camera pans out to show 48 beers and a tapped keg

Yes.

TODD: Ah, yeah, I see. You're just bummed out because Princess Carolyn dumped you last night.

ENT: At a fancy diner 10 hours earlier

[jazz music]

CAROLYN: BoJack, we need to talk.

BOJACK: Hey, check out the rug on that guy.

A turtle is sitting with two attractive women

TURTLETAUB: Slow and steady, am I right, ladies? [girls giggle] Ha-cha-cha.

BOJACK: Who does he think he's fooling? Turtles don't have hair.

CAROLYN: Stop embarrassing me. That is Lenny Turteltaub.

BOJACK: You know, I am not crazy about the bread here. Mm. Why do I keep eating it?

CAROLYN: BoJack, can you please just listen for a second?

BOJACK: You have my undivided attention.

Bojack grabs another piece of bread

CAROLYN: I think we should see other people.

BOJACK: Were we not seeing other people?

Bojack is getting some tang while an episode of 'Horsin' Around' is playing

GIRL: [moaning] BoJack, I'm almost there.

BOJACK: Wait. Shh! Shut up.

BOJACK ON TV: Now, that's a horse of a different - cruller?

On tv out of context we see Bojack hold up a donut. He has an orgasm to the punchline of his joke

BOJACK: Oh! God, that's good comedy.

Return to dinner.

CAROLYN: BoJack!

BOJACK: What? Everyone gets a mulligan, and my mulligan was Carey Mulligan. I'm kidding, jeez. It was Emily Mortimer.

CAROLYN: [scoffs]

BOJACK: What is the problem here? Are you embarrassed of me because I'm a has-been? Because you know that I'm writing that book that is gonna make everybody love me again.

CAROLYN: You're not really writing a book.

BOJACK: Well, I already spent my advance, so that's a first step.

CAROLYN: Look, this has been a lot of fun, but I need to start thinking about my future. I mean, you don't even respect me enough to have a baby with me.

BOJACK: Whoa, what? I never explicitly said that.

CAROLYN: You said it with your actions.

BOJACK: What actions?

ENT: The sidewalk, a woman with a stroller appears

CAROLYN: Oh, look at that baby. Isn't he the cutest baby you ever saw?

Bojack gets 'spooked' and begins to panic trampling everything in his path

BOJACK: What? What? What? No, no, wha [horn honks] [glass shatters] [car door opens and closes] [engine turns over] [tires squealing] [glass shattering] [engine revving] [tires screeching] [loud crash] [sirens blaring]

COP: Step away from the stolen vehicle, sir!

BOJACK: No, no, no. Misunderstanding, officer. I was running away from my girlfriend whom I don't respect enough to have a baby with.

COP: Hey, aren't you the horse from Horsin' Around?

ENT: Back at the diner

CAROLYN: Oh, face it. You're afraid of commitment.

BOJACK: I'm not afraid of commitment. I commit to things all the time. It's the following through on that commitment that I take issue with.

CAROLYN: Hey, stupid, isn't that your friend over there? Oh, Mr.

BOJACK: Peanutbutter? God, I hope he doesn't see us.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Is that BoJack Horseman?

BOJACK: Oh, jeez, here we go.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Mr. Peanutbutter and BoJack Horseman in the same room. What is this, a crossover episode?

BOJACK: You know, that gets funnier every time.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: You're being sarcastic, but I think it does actually get funnier every time.

BOJACK: We're actually in the middle of breaking up right now... so if you could just

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Yeah? You're in the middle of it?

BOJACK: Yeah, that's right.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: So would it be awkward if I joined you right now?

BOJACK: Yes, actually, it's very awkward. Is that not clear?

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Yeah, this is awkward right now?

Mr. Peanutbutter pulls up a chair

BOJACK: Yes, please leave.

CAROLYN: How are you, Mr.Peanutbutter?

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Oh, living the dream, P.C., living the dream.

BOJACK: Why are you making conversation?

CAROLYN: Oh, let's see, it's the English word: It's called being polite, BoJack.

BOJACK: But am I crazy that this is a bad time?

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Always a Clydesdale, never a Clyde, eh, BoJack?

BOJACK: What?

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: You'll get that one later, man.

Heads offscreen

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Erica, get out of here with that face!

CAROLYN: Would it kill you to be civil? This is why we're breaking up.

BOJACK: So it's not because of the thing with the baby?

CAROLYN: It's because of a lot of things! Waiter, could we please have the check? Thank you.

BOJACK: We haven't even ordered yet.

CAROLYN: I have wasted so many dinners on you, BoJack Horseman. I don't know how you can expect anyone else to love you when you so clearly hate yourself.

WAITER: Here you go.

BOJACK: Let me see that. [Shouting] $10 for bread?

Outside a bunch of pigeons fly away

BOJACK: I don't want to live in a society where the pre-meal bread isn't free.

WAITER: It is free if you order a meal.

CAROLYN: Can you take me home, please?

BOJACK: Yeah, but I didn't even eat that much bread. What did I have? I must have had-

WAITER: You ate nine baskets, sir.

BOJACK: Nine really? Great, now I'm gonna feel like a fat ass all week.

ENT: Driving home in car

BOJACK: You've seen me naked. Do you think I'm getting chubby?

CAROLYN: You want to know the real reason we're breaking up?

BOJACK: What was that? Sorry. Couldn't hear you over the sound of my calories not metabolizing.

CAROLYN: This is so classic you. You're using this bread thing to avoid talking about our relationship.

BOJACK: No, that is definitely not happening.

CAROLYN: I'd like to go home now.

BOJACK: You think I'm fat.

ENT: Bojack's living room

BOJACK: So yeah, technically I was dumped, but the real headline of the evening was, "Dumb guy eats bread, gets fat, the end."

TODD: What kind of headline is that?

BOJACK: Wasn't there a pizza here a second ago? God damn it! Stop the presses.

TODD: You're not fat. Oh, hey, let's throw a party. That'll cheer you up.

BOJACK: No, it won't. It'll cheer you up.

BOJACK: I'll stand in the corner by myself eating cotton candy until I barf like I did at your last party.

Flashback to Bojack puking on someone

STRANGER: Hey, aren't you the horse from Horsin' Around?

BOJACK: [retching]

TODD:That was a good party. Hey, didn't we get a cotton candy machine for that party?

BOJACK: Who told you Princess Carolyn and I broke up?

TODD: She did.

BOJACK: What?

CAROLYN: You never took me home, jerk!

BOJACK: Oh, everything's my fault.

CAROLYN: Take me home.

BOJACK: Okay, jeez. But I'm not looking for parking in Silver Lake. I'll slow the car down to a crawl, and you can duck and roll.

CAROLYN: You know what, you can take a last look at this face, because it's the last time you're gonna see it- Hey-up! [screams]

Bojack pushes her out of a moving car, but like a cat, she lands on her feet.

OPERATOR: [cell phone vibrates] [upbeat tune plays] Hello? I've got Princess Carolyn for you.

BOJACK: Uh, okay.

CAROLYN: BoJack.

BOJACK: Oh, my God, we just broke up.

CAROLYN: Yeah, but I'm still your agent. I pride myself on my ability to separate my professional life from my personal life.

BOJACK: Great. Then, as my agent, do you think I'm getting fat?

CAROLYN: No way. You are in the prime of your life, never looked better.

BOJACK: What about as my ex-girlfriend?

CAROLYN: You look like a pile of crap ate a second pile of crap and then crapped out a third pile of crap.

BOJACK: Wait, wait, so which pile of crap do I look like?

CAROLYN: The third one.

BOJACK: What? That's the worst one.

CAROLYN: I'm not calling you as your ex. I'm calling you as your agent. Remember that book you're pretending to write? Well, Penguin wants an update on your progress. Does Tuesday work for you, or are you gonna be too busy this week masturbating to old pictures of yourself?

BOJACK: I told you, that's not what was happening that time. I was masturbating to what the picture represented. You walked in at the worst possible moment!

CAROLYN: So, Tuesday, though?

BOJACK: Yes, fine!

[laid-back rock music] ENT: Penguin HQ

Penguins are running around slding on their bellies

PINKY: You don't have anything?

BOJACK: Hey, you got the electricity back. Good for you.

An employee commits suicide and lands on a car cause in the alarm to go off, Pinky shuts the blinds

PINKY: This company is in dire straits. [screams] [alarm blares] We made a series of very bad investments. Ever hear of a young adult franchise called the Swamp Monsters of Malibu?

BOJACK: Uh, no.

PINKY: Then why did we spend $20 million on marketing? Cries and slams on his desk It's okay, Pinky, go to your happy place. Uh Look, I know you're a busy guy.

BOJACK: Actually, I am a busy guy. I live a very active lifestyle.

ENT: Bojack's living room, he's watching T.V

SARAH LYNN: : Can't I just stay home with you?

BOJACK ON TV: I know kindergarten is scary, but you're a big girl now, and you have to be brave.

SARAH LYNN: Okay, Daddy.

BOJACK ON TV: Wait, did you just call me "Daddy"?

BOJACK: Little Sabrina grew up right before our eyes, right, Todd? Todd? Todd!

TODD: What?

BOJACK: Did Sabrina grow up before our eyes?

TODD: Yes!

ENT: Pinky's office

PINKY: [clears throat] We're tired of waiting. We're hiring you a ghostwriter.

BOJACK: Diane "Nugent"?

PINKY: She's great, and she's got a thing for horses. Check this out.

Hands Bojack a book

BOJACK: Hey, Secretariat. You know, I always wanted to play Secretariat in a movie. He's kind of my personal hero. Could never get the project off the ground, though. I mean, there was this one time I came close in the '90s, but then those pre-Fontaine movies came out and people got tired of seeing him running on-screen.

PINKY: Don't tell me. Tell her!

BOJACK: She's cute.

PINKY: Call her. That's a loan, by the way. We can't afford to be giving out free books to people, but you can take anything you want from the Swamp Monsters swag box. [electricity crackles]

ENT: Bojack's living room

BOJACK: Oh, God, I'm a failure.

TODD: Oh, you're not a failure.

BOJACK: Why did I say I could write a book?

TODD: Because you have an amazing story to tell. Relax.

BOJACK: Relax? Easy for you to say, you hippie. You've never had a day of stress in your life.

Flashback to a dark room, Todd is getting pummeled by a rhino

TODD: Ow. Why?

MOB BOSS: And that's for trying to sell E on the cartel's turf.

TODD: [coughs] Oh, where's Gabriela?

MOB BOSS: She went back to Mexico City, ese, to be with her husband.

TODD: What? No! - Gabriela, why?

BOJACK: Who? We were talking about me. Can you try to focus for, like, a second?

TODD: Oh, yeah, sorry. You were saying?

BOJACK: Never should have signed this book deal. You know what my problem is? I can't say no to people because I want everyone to like me.

TODD: You want everyone to like you?

BOJACK: Yeah, why? Do people not like me?

TODD: for 10 minutes Uh Uh What were we talking about?

BOJACK: I can see the headline now, "Stupid BoJack writes a stupid book about his stupid life, nobody cares."

TODD: What newspapers are you reading?

CAROLYN: Hey, why don't you just let that lady write your book and be done with it?

BOJACK: Better question, why are you in my kitchen?

CAROLYN: I'm making breakfast. We had sex last night, dummy.

BOJACK: Ugh, I really got to start putting my phone on airplane mode when I drink.

CAROLYN: [hisses]

BOJACK: This lady probably thinks I'm just some dumb sitcom actor. I hate her and her stupid, impossible-to-pronounce last name, Na-goo-ya-go-goo-goo-goo-ga.

TODD: You haven't even met her. Give her a chance. Oh, you should invite her to the party.

BOJACK: What party? Why are you so obsessed with throwing a party all of a sudden?

Flashback to Todd getting beat up by the rhino again

TODD: Ow, ow, ow!

MOB BOSS: You know how much money we lost 'cause of you? I can't even afford a hall now for my daughter's 15th birthday, and now I got a hundred guests coming and nowhere to put them. You owe me a party, cabrÃ³n, and if you don't deliver [muffled whimpers] [gunshot]

Mob Boss shoots rabbit with bag over it's head

ENT: Bojack's living room TODD: Because parties are fun?

BOJACK: This book is really important to me. I don't want to just hand it off to some stranger.

CAROLYN: If it's so important, why have you written literally nothing in a year and a half?

BOJACK: It's too much pressure. This book is my one shot at preserving my legacy. I'm a joke, and if this book isn't good, I'm gonna be a joke forever. Everyone thinks that I'm just this washed-up hack, but actually Oh, God, actually, what if they're right? I can't breathe. Am I dying? Toast. I smell burning toast!

CAROLYN: Oh, my God, my toast!

BOJACK: [Dying] Todd, on my grave, I want it to say that I was born in 1975.

TODD: No one's gonna believe-

BOJACK: Damn it, can't you respect a dying man's wish?

TODD: You're not dying.

ENT: Hospital on a t.v. screen

DOCTOR: [monitor beeping] [steady tone] [groans] [sighs] Well, we did everything we could. Nurse, record the time of death. It doesn't get easier. It never gets easier.

SABRINA: [both sigh] [Sabrina crying] What I don't What do you mean he's dead?

DOCTOR: That's right, sweetheart. He died of a broken heart because you didn't appreciate him enough, and now he's gone forever.

BOJACK: We might have gone too dark on that series finale.

DOCTOR: I'm required to hand you over to the child protective services. You're the state's problem now.

[crowd] No! [TV turns off]

ENT: Hospital

TODD: Do you just take those DVDs with you everywhere you go?

BOJACK: Linus walked around with a blanket. No one gave him shit for it.

CAROLYN: How long is that doctor going to take? I have a meeting with another client at 3:00.

BOJACK: You have other clients?

CAROLYN: No, I make a living off you sitting on your ass all day.

BOJACK: Are your other clients more talented than I am? Your silence speaks volumes.

CAROYLN: That was my intention

PIG DOCTOR: Well, BoJack, it looks like what you experienced was a mild anxiety attack.

BOJACK: Jesus, if that's mild, I don't want to know what spicy feels like. Too smart for the room? It was a salsa joke, people.

PIG DOCTOR: You've been overstressed. I need you to take it easy.

CAROLYN: Take it easy, are you kidding? He doesn't have a job. He has no real responsibilities. He doesn't do anything but take it easy.

PIG DOCTOR: Well, can you take it even easier?

BOJACK: I can try, doctor. I can try.

CAROLYN: This book deal is obviously stressing you out. Will you just call the ghostwriter already?

BOJACK: What, you want me to call this woman on the phone? [gasps]

10 minutes later

PIG DOCTOR: Well, you just had another anxiety attack.

BOJACK: And Entertainment Weekly said I wasn't consistent. [laughs] Really, not even a pity laugh? I did almost die.

TODD: Ha.

PIG DOCTOR: I have to check on some other patients.

BOJACK: You have other patients?

TODD: BoJack, let's have a party, okay? I'll organize the whole thing. You can invite the ghostwriter and have a nice, casual conversation in a fun, pressure-free environment.

BOJACK: Okay, fine. We'll have a party.

TODD: Oh, thank God.

BOJACK: But we're not getting a cotton candy machine. I can't control myself around those things.

TODD: I totally hear what you are saying, and I will do my best.

ENT: Huge party at Bojack's

[mariachi music] [singing in Spanish] [laughter] [cheering] [laughter]

MOB BOSS: Senor Horseman, I will never forget your generosity today. You have made a powerful ally for life. Mwah. Let's dance!

BOJACK: Todd, who was that guy? Who are all these people?

TODD: Oh, you know, just a variety of folks from all walks of life.

BOJACK: Is this a Quinceanera?

TODD: Oh, so any party with Mexican teenage girls is a Quinceanera? Now who's racist? [laughter]

A girl is hitting a horse pinata in front of a Quinceanera banner, there is a chihuahua girl next to her

BOJACK: I find that pinata offensive.

TODD: If you'll excuse me, I have a Virgin of Guadalupe pendant to present.

Bojack spots Diane but Mr. PeanutButter comes over MR. PEANUTBUTTER: BoJack! Oh, good Lord.

BOJACK: Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Can you believe this, the two of us in the same house? Is this a crossover episode? No, I'm just kidding around, man. Seriously, though, how are you?

Bojack: Well, I've been kind of up and -

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: (Interrupting) Living the dream, huh? Yeah. Hey, we'll catch up later, all right? I want to talk to you. Erica, how are you looking so beautiful? I'm furious.

DIANE: Hey, BoJack, right? BoJack Horseman?

BOJACK: Yes. Oh, I'm I'm sorry, I don't want to mispronounce your name.

DIANE: It's Diane.

BOJACK: Oh, Diane.

DIANE: Thanks for inviting me to your party. Sorry I haven't really been mingling. I get kind of awkward at parties.

BOJACK: Have you tried alcohol?

DIANE: I don't know. Parties make me anxious in a real broad sense. Like, look at that guy. He's having fun. Why haven't I figured it out?

BOJACK: What guy?

DIANE: No, there's no guy there. I'm just saying, like, a guy, you know?

BOJACK: Oh, okay, yeah.

DIANE: I'm probably just overthinking it because I never got the practice because I didn't get invited to any parties in high school. What am I talking about? You don't care about any of that. Shut up, Diane. You're at a party, compliment the host. You have a lovely home.

BOJACK: Yeah, well, if you're gonna throw away most of your adult life on some dumb sitcom, you might as well get a sweet house out of the deal, right?

DIANE: So what are you working on these days?

BOJACK: Well, mostly I just sit around the house and complain about things.

DIANE: Yeah, how's that working out for you?

BOJACK: I can't complain, so you know.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: No, I will not have sex with you! This girl wants me to have sex with her. No, I'm just kidding around. You're a good sport.

BOJACK: Ugh, you know who that is?

DIANE: Mr. Peanutbutter?

BOJACK: Yeah, he was on that show Mr. Peanutbutter's House about that dog who adopted the three human kids. What a dumb idea for a TV show.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: You people are all right. Who wants an autograph?

BOJACK He's so stupid he doesn't realize how miserable he should be. I envy that.

DIANE: Hey, do you know the story of the dad from The Brady Bunch?

BOJACK: Do I know his story? If I recall correctly, he was bringing up three boys of his own.

DIANE: Right, but-

BOJACK: They were four men living all together, but they were all alone. That is profoundly sad.

DIANE: No, the story is that the guy who played the dad hated being on The Brady Bunch because he was a real actor, and he considered it beneath him. Sound familiar?

BOJACK: That's not all that was beneath him. Gay joke. Sorry, I'm better than that.

DIANE: Most people don't even get to do The Brady Bunch version of the thing they want to do with their lives. You're actually in a really good position now, because you can pretty much do anything you want. You're responsible for your own happiness, you know?

BOJACK: Good Lord, that's depressing.

DIANE: No, it's not.

BOJACK: I'm responsible for my own happiness? I can't even be responsible for my own breakfast.

Flashback to Bojack struggling to make his own cereal

BOJACK: Todd! I need help.

DIANE:What would make you happy?

BOJACK: Well, finishing my memoir, I guess.

DIANE: Is that all? I can help you with that.

BOJACK: Yeah? I mean, would you even want to? You'd have to spend a lot of time with me. You'd probably get sick of me.

DIANE: I don't think that's going to happen.

BOJACK: No?

DIANE: No, BoJack.

BOJACK: Okay. Well, then I guess you're hired, but don't put all that stuff about how sad I am in the book.

DIANE: Oh, that doesn't count. We weren't on the clock yet.

BOJACK: Yeah, exactly. You're only my ghostwriter starting nah - Starting now.

DIANE: You got it.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: BoJack!

BOJACK: Ugh, this guy.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Hey, man, wanted to let you know, you are out of beer. Oh, I see you've met my beautiful girlfriend, Diane Nguyen.

BOJACK: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. You drank all my beer? Also, you two are dating?

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Yeah.

BOJACK: You're dating him?

DIANE: Yes.

BOJACK: This is your boyfriend?

DIANE: That is correct.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Uh-huh.

BOJACK: You are going out with you?

BOTH: Uh-huh.

BOJACK: But in a sexual way, not just as friends?

DIANE: That's right.

BOJACK: You have seen her naked.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Many times, yes.

BOJACK: You are attracted to this?

DIANE: Yes.

BOJACK: This penis has been inside this vagina.

DIANE: Yep.

BOJACK: But in a sexual way.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Oh, yes.

BOJACK: Humph. [retching] - Ugh. Oh, my God. [retching]

DIANE: Are you okay?

BOJACK: I'm just [retching] I'm fine. I'm just I'm really happy for you. [retching]

MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Should we get someone, or-

BOJACK: No, everything's Oh, this is really Wonderful. Oh, God. [retching] Starting now.

[ENDING SONG] Back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV show - I'm BoJack the horse - BoJack BoJack the horse Don't act like you don't know And I'm trying to hold on to my past It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last I guess I'll just try And make you understand That I'm more horse than a man Or I'm more man than a horse. Bojack!