Stealing First Base

Thanks to our new GPS, I'll have you at school in no-time. Turn right in 50 meters. Oh, meters?! Dad, a meter is three inches longer than a yard, which is 36 inches. So, 50 divided by 39 times 36 equals... You have missed your turn. Recalculating. Turn right in .5 meters. Dad, no. That takes us into a construction site. Stupid kid thinks he's smarter than a computer. Seat belts, kids. Turn left. Turn right. Turn left. Turn right. Decrease elevation ten feet, then turn left. D'oh! You have reached your destination. Thanks for the ride. Bye, dad! Turn right in 2.3 kilometers... Why, you... Recalculating. So cold. So cold. Where's Mrs. K.? Mrs. Krabappel had to go to Portland. Apparently, the people she hired to deprogram her sister from that cult turned out to be an even worse cult. So, who's going to take her place? Me, I hope. Not you. Never you. And due to budget cuts, until Edna comes back, I have no choice but to merge the school's two fourth grade classes. The other fourth grade? But they're so different from us. They have music on tuesdays. Their teacher takes her shoes off. Their twins are one boy, one girl. Weird. All right, new kids, jam your chairs into my kids' desks. Is anyone here? Oh, whatever. Is anyone here? Whatever. Is anyone here? Whatever. Is anyone here? Is anyone here? Whatever. Whatever. 'sup? I'm Bodhi. Do you surf? No. My parents took me to Hawaii once, but I was intimidated by the physiques of the local kids, so I just stayed in the hotel room. That's cool. No, it's not cool. You are so dead. Sorry. Let me get that for you. You're blind. If anyone messes with this kid, I will destroy them. It's okay. No one's messing with me. You're not a freak, and I won't let you think that about yourself. I don't think I'm a freak. So brave. Hmm. Huh. Um, this is the last seat, so... My side, your side. Hi, Nikki. I'm Bart. This situation, it's nuts, right? Oh, look at you... Opening a book so you won't have to talk to me. Well, I'm just going to be tuning up the old armpit. Good news, children. Everyone did well on this test, except... Lisa Simpson, F. An F?! Okay, this is the time when I always wake up. Come on, alarm clock, get me out of this. Sorry, Lisa, this F is all too real. No it's not, dream Hoover. And as long as I'm asleep, I'm going to have some fun. I can fly! Wheeee! This isn't a dream. I really did fail. I take no joy in this. Little Miss Perfect. Whoa. Damn, this caterpillar can eat. Damn. Damn! Do you mind? Oh, man, you girls ruin everything... even vampires. Hey, vampires are cool outsiders who love girls who hate cheerleaders. No, they're all about chomping neck. And they don't put product in their hair like this loser. They look like this. Awesome picture. Can I draw a robot barfing screws on your arm with my sharpie? I... I'd like that. And... finished. An F. An F! I hope Harvard never finds out about this. Huh? Can I teeter while you totter? Ever since you got that bad grade, you seem a lot cooler. Lisa, you want to come skip rope? You can replace the tree. Eat lunch with me. Share my locker. Come to my birthday party. Love me. Wow. This is kind of great. Lisa, can I speak to you for a moment? Uh-oh. Looks like I'm in more trouble. Born to be bad. There was a mix-up with your test. You got an A-triple-plus. Seems the F belonged to Ralph. I cheated wrong. I copied the Lisa name and used the Ralph answers. Gifted! Gifted! Gifted! I'm just advanced. You can catch up. Gifted! Dad, I know we don't normally talk about this stuff, but there's this girl at school I kind of like. Anyway, I'm really hoping you could... Dad? Hey, boy. Your mother thinks I'm working on the car. Dad, that is genius, but I need some advice. Homer? I thought you were fixing my brakes. But I need to talk about man stuff. Talk to grampa. He used to be a man. He did? Give up the goods, you yellow devil! So, I kind of like this girl at school, but I'm not sure if she likes me back. There's one sure way to find out if a girl likes you: steal a kiss. Really? Did that ever work for you? Sure did. I remember it like it was yesterday. Uh-oh. Whoa. She boards, too?! So... What should we do now? Kiss her, ya idjit! Bart Simpson kissed me. Oh, my God, and that was my first kiss. It will always be my first kiss. Ew. Say, "haw-haw." Haw-haw. That was great! Really great! Marge, Homer, this is Brody and Madison McKenna. Bart has been sharing a desk with their daughter, Nikki. Earlier today, your son engaged in inappropriate mouth-on-mouth contact with our daughter. You mean, he kissed her? On the top of the slide. That's all that happened? And I got to miss work?! Oh, I could kiss you. Mr. Simpson, I'm an attorney, and my husband's a federal prosecutor, And neither of us is happy. Well, maybe you guys should look for easier jobs. Until you make this an affection-free environment, we will sue this school for its last dime. All right, here it is. And we will make you regret the day your son was born. You're halfway home, lady. It's not my fault. Grampa told me to kiss her. Why didn't you just tell him to club her on the head and drag her into a cave? You mean second base? Whoa, he's a little young for that. Well, if I talk to Nikki, I'm sure I can... No! If you go near her one more time, we'll be sued into the poor house and have to eat garbage forever. That's no problem. Mom can make garbage taste great. Thank you. Well, I mean it. And it means the world to me. Well, don't worry, boy. I know a wholesome way to take your mind off girls. This is awesome! If only real life was in 3D. And the glasses smell like the last guy who wore them had pizza. Ha, ha! Look at that. Oh, look at their guts. He has blood all over him. "Dear fellow organic gardening enthusiasts, I'm afraid I am too sad to post my list of garden-friendly snails. Yet again, I have seen the bitter truth of how difficult it is to be smart and accepted. With mulch love, Lisa Simpson." Mulch love. That's cute. Somebody posted a comment? "Don't stop achieving just yet, Lisa. You are not alone. Flotus1." Huh? Flotus1? Who could that be? Attention, all students. Please report to an attorney-mandated school assembly. To make time for this, the third grade's performance of "My Fair Lady" has been cancelled. I say, that's rum news. Very rum, indeed. By now you've probably heard that one of our fourth graders did something that a hundred years ago would've been considered innocent, but in today's overly-litigious society has been blown completely out of proportion. Now, what he said was... I can hear. The following skit, or sketch, demonstrates the behavior we wish you would save for middle school. And... action! Oh, I'm just a wee little lass, combin' me beautiful hair. I'm Bart Simpson, disruptive fourth-grader. Oh! I finally caught one of Bart's school plays. That's not Bart. It's principal Skinner. Bart's sitting right next to you. Yeah, now that I look closer, that guy couldn't fool anybody. Shut up, fatso. Why you little... Now, players, recreate the incident in question. Ick. Ugh. Hey, Willie, does he taste like failure? Stop that laughter! I can make these two kiss all day, if I have to. Hmm? If you want them to keep on kissing, just keep laughing. Maybe I did do something wrong. Oh, Bart, I hate to see you like this. Look who's all confused. Huh? What the hell are you doing? I'm kissing you, stupid. You're the biggest psycho I ever met. You want to stop? Absolutely not. A VH-60N Whitehawk! First lady Michelle Obama?! I flew in from Turkmenistan because there's a wonderful young person here who's feeling a little discouraged. I sure am! This young lady... Oh. ...thinks just because she's a high achiever, no one will ever like her. Huh? Well, as I tell schoolchildren all over the world, I was a high achiever. I got A's back when A's were hard to get. I was just like Lisa Simpson. That's right, Lisa. As an avid organic gardener, I've read your blog. Flotus1 is first lady of the United States one! Yes. I wanted just "flotus", but someone had it. That's me, 'cause I swim with my flotuses on. Everything I have, I got through academics. I went to Chicago's first magnet high school, then Princeton, then Harvard law. And now you're the most elegant and popular woman in the world! Well... I don't know about that. There's Carla Bruni, queen Noor of Jordan... They're nothing compared to you. It's not a contest. But if it was, I think we know how it would go. But before I was who I am today, I was a nerd. So the lesson is, children... I'll tell them what the lesson is. He's our Joe Biden. Understood. So kids, be nice to Lisa, because the overachievers will someday be running the country, and you don't want them to be too screwed up. Now, who else is an overachiever? Come on, now! I am. I am, too. Fifth in my class at Annapolis. Scaled the summit of the highest peaks on six of seven continents. Hey, that's great. Don't forget to bring the scooper when you walk the dog. Ma'am, yes, ma'am! Now, let's roll. Sorry, ma'am. We can't seem to reopen the hatch to the copter. You were saying? Oh, well, I loosened it up. That is the most amazing thing that's ever happened to this school. Well, yeah, till they find out about us. What do you mean "us"? Well, like, uh, aren't you my girlfriend now? Oh, you mean, like you own me? I'm sorry. Ugh! You're always apologizing. Just tell me what you want! You should know what I want! I want you to act the same way two days in a row! Ugh! I am not going to let you hurt me anymore. He's dead! I love him! Oh, he's breathing. Loser. He's stopped breathin'! Who knows gob-to-gob?! You know, mutton hole to mutton hole. No one goes near that boy till the ambulance comes. Any physical contact violates our school's no-touching policy. Let's quickly prod him to the curb with this pool skimmer. Good thinking. Move! I know CPR! Nikki, no! I prefer a dead child to a lawsuit from your parents. Ugh! Ya call that a kiss? Come here. Nelson, now that the ban's been lifted, let me touch your face. That way, I can see you with my fingers. Ew! I said your face, not your butt! Oh, you feel comfortable enough to mock me. That's for mocking me. Nelson, your punch restored my vision! I can see again! Really? Kevin, that's wonder... The student has become the master! Nikki, thanks for saving my life. Look, can we just pretend that never happened? I don't want everyone at school to go around thinking I like you. I don't get you. You're hot, you're cold. What is your deal?! Oh, Bart, you've got a few things to learn about women. And I will never tell you what they are. I give up. Smell ya later. I love you!