Deadbeat Poets Society

''[Jude and Starr are at Vegan Island. Starr has made some new dishes.]'' Starr: "Okay. So this is Fun With Fungi, the red one is Nice to Beet You, and you have Crazy Curry Tofu." Jude: "Wicked cool names." Starr: "I know! I'm like–an inventor! But maybe giving these to your friends to test isn't such a good idea." Jude: "Why? They love food. They're usually broke, so they're not that picky." Starr: "Cool." [They head off to find Jude's friends.]

''[The gang are around the table. Starr has put the platters down for them to taste.]'' Starr: "...and so that's how I got the idea to put the beets through the blender! Have you ever seen worms in a blender?" Wyatt: [whispering] "Does she ever stop talking?" Starr: "So gross!" Jen: [whispering] "Never." Starr: "So c'mon guys, give it a try!" [The gang hang back.] Jude: "It's free, dudes." ''[Everyone gingerly reaches out and takes a bite. Their eyes bulge from the taste.]'' Jonesy: [mouth full] "Hey, what's that?" [He points away from the table.] ''[Starr looks away. Everyone spits out their bites. Jude looks sad as Starr turns back to them.]'' Starr: "What?" Jonesy: "Nothing, I thought I saw the Easter Bunny." ''[Suddenly Wyatt screams, gets up, and runs behind a garbage can. He ducks so that he'll be hidden.]'' Caitlin: "What are you doing, Wyatt?" Wyatt: "Ssh! Hiding from Serena." ''[Serena and Charmaine pass by. They don't see him. They pass a basketball player and his girlfriend.]'' Basketball Player: "Check this out. Three-pointer." [He lofts his empty soda at the trash, and it hits Wyatt.] Wyatt: "Aah!" Mandy: "You've got to work on your free throws." [Wyatt gets up and walks back to his seat, soda in his hair.] Jonesy: "That is just so sad." Jude: "Look at the bright side! At least it wasn't a chili bowl, dude."

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Deadbeat Poets Society''

Jonesy: "Wyatt man, do the words 'shred of dignity' mean anything to you?" Wyatt: [toweling off his hair] "Talk to me when someone rips your heart out and steps on it!" Nikki: "Ouch. You might want to consider getting off the bitter train, Wyatt." Caitlin: "Nikki's right. All this pent-up anger's not good for you." Nikki: [noticing Wyatt's shaking] "Totally. Hey, have you had a coffee yet?" Wyatt: [strained] "No." Nikki: "And why not?" Wyatt: "Because Serena was at Grind Me with Charmaine, and I couldn't go in." Caitlin: [shutting the Squeeze] "I'll go to Grind Me with you, Wyatt. You need your coffee." Wyatt: "Maybe I should just join a monastery. Then I wouldn't have to worry about girls." Jonesy: "Okay, now you're talking freaky talk. I'm off to work." Caitlin: [grabbing Wyatt] "Let's go!"

''[Jonesy's new job is at the mall pharmacy. Stuart Goldstein is his boss.]'' Jonesy: "This is cool, man! I feel like a doctor. Do I get a stethoscope?" Stuart Goldstein: "No. Now, you'll have to take the pharmaceutical oath. Repeat after me. I promise to keep all customer information confidential." Jonesy: "Right, that's cool, I can dig it." Stuart Goldstein: "Okay, say it?" [There is a long pause.] Stuart Goldstein: "Say it?" Jonesy: [humoring him] "Okay, I promise to keep all customer information confidential." Stuart Goldstein: "Good, good. I'll be in the back." ''[Stuart heads into the back. A pretty girl walks in and starts looking at some products.]'' Jonesy: "Can I help you?" Glutes Girl: "No! I mean, maybe." Jonesy: "Don't be shy. Discretion is my middle name. I've taken the oath." ''[The girl leans in and whispers something to Jonesy. Jonesy thinks.]'' Jonesy: [loudly] "Hey Mr. Goldstein, what do we give people for really serious constipation?" [The store giggles and looks at the poor customer.]

''[Wyatt and Caitlin are outside Grind Me. Wyatt is hiding behind a potted plant.]'' Caitlin: "Are you sure you don't want to just come up with me? Serena's not here." Wyatt: "Yeah, but Charmaine's her best friend! She probably hates me now too!" Caitlin: "She does not hate you." Wyatt: [bitter] "They're all sisters." [Caitlin growls at this affront and walks in.] Charmaine: "Hey girl. What's up?" Caitlin: "Hey! Can I get...a double-tall cappuccino, extra hot, extra foam?" Charmaine: "Double-tall cappuccino, extra hot, extra foam, huh? That sounds a lot like someone else's usual order." [Caitlin grins nervously.] "Coming right up!" [making the drink] "You know, he can come in and order himself. I won't bite." Caitlin: "That's what I told him! He's really taking this whole breakup thing hard." [taking the coffee] "Thanks." ''[Caitlin hands over the money and walks out. She hands the coffee to Wyatt.]'' Caitlin: "You can order from her again!" Wyatt: "Really?" Caitlin: "Yes!" [Wyatt senses something's off with his coffee and inspects it.] "See? I told you she wouldn't hold it against you." [Wyatt gasps.] Wyatt: "She stiffed me on the foam!" Caitlin: "She what?" Wyatt: "The foam! I asked for extra foam and she gave me less than normal!" Caitlin: "So, okay, maybe she just forgot. Or maybe there was a foam shortage." Wyatt: [paranoid] "There was no foam shortage! This is payback for yelling at Serena!" Caitlin: "Uh, she's getting back at you with foam?" Wyatt: [ignoring her] "I need another cappuccino so I can do a foam comparison test." Caitlin: "Well don't look at me. I've gotta get back to work." [She walks away.] Wyatt: [staring at his coffee] "Hmm..."

[Caitlin is on the phone with Nikki.] Caitlin: "Okay. Wyatt's really losing it." Nikki: "Yeah. Yesterday he went postal on the pizza guy." ''[Kristen and Kirsten walk by. Their hair is strangely brown today.]'' Kristen: "Our new hair color is so fetch!" Kirsten: "So glad we went brunette?" Kristen: "Yeah." Kristen and Kirsten: "EEEEE!!!"

''[Jen and Charlie are hanging out at work. Charlie leans into her.]'' Jen: "Don't lean too close, we can't let Coach Halder know we're dating, remember? Fifty push-ups?" Charlie: "Right, so, how's your friend Wyatt?" Jen: "We're trying to get him to cheer up, but nothing's working." Charlie: "Wow, that's a real..." [He notices Gwen walk by.] "...bummer..." Jen: "Hello, over here!" Charlie: "W-what? Oh, yeah, uh, w-what was I saying?" Jen: "What was that?" Charlie: "Uh, w-what was what?" [Gwen walks across his line of vision again.] Jen: "That. You like her." Charlie: "No I don't! I-I mean she's cute, but–" Jen: "Oh what, she's blonde?" Charlie: "No! Uh-uh-I mean, I don't know!" Jen: "So you don't like blondes?" Charlie: "Nonono, I like blondes!" Jen: "So you were flirting with her!" Charlie: "No, I–help." ''[Jen walks over and shoves Gwen. Gwen topples onto the floor.]''

''[Wyatt is studying his coffee at Underground Video. Starr, Jude, and Wayne look on.]'' Wayne: "So the guy's obsessing over foam. Wow. I thought I had issues." [to Wyatt] "Hey, if you're not going to drink that, I'll have it." Wyatt: "Can I take a break?" Wayne: "I dunno, man, we're pretty busy here." [Wyatt looks around the empty store.] Wayne: "Alright, fine. Don't ever say I'm not a great boss, 'kay?" [Wyatt pours his coffee into a dead plant and walks out.] Wayne: "Hey, if that were alive, you could've killed it!" [Wyatt leaves.] Jude: [to Starr] "Think you can, y'know, keep an eye on him?" Starr: "Sure! If he makes a run for it, I'll just give him the sleeper grip!" [She demonstrates on Wayne.]

''[A tattooed man is in Grind Me, putting sugar in his coffee. Suddenly, Wyatt sticks a ruler in the cup.]'' Tattoo Muscle Guy: "Hey!" [Starr walks in.] Starr: "There you are!" [The man has picked up Wyatt and is about to punch his face in.] Starr: "I told you not to run off like that!" Wyatt: [muffled] "Sorry." Starr: "I'm sorry, sir. He's really into measuring things." ''[The man growls and drops Wyatt. Starr escorts him away.]'' Wyatt: "Twenty-five percent foam. I knew it! She only gave me twelve percent!" Starr: "Okay. Sit down." [She forces him into a chair.] "So I think I know what your problem is." Wyatt: "I have a problem?" Starr: "Yeah. You need a healthy way to cleanse your aura without bugging the crap out of all of your friends." Wyatt: [sighing] "Okay. What do you think I should do?"

''[A while later, Wyatt shows up at the coffee shop. Starr is waiting for him outside.]'' Starr: "Hey Wyatt!" Wyatt: "Hey. What's up?" Starr: "It's the hottest spoken-word poetry place around. And I scored you a spot in the lineup." Wyatt: "Oh no. No way." Charmaine: [inside] "Welcome to Express Yourself poetry reading. Our first poet is one of our regulars, Coach Halder." [Fingers snap as Coach Halder gets up and walks to the microphone to speak into it.] Coach Halder: "Riding the bench! Hard cold wood under my butt. Feels kinda like pavement after a while. Or just a hard desk chair. I didn't make the cut. I'm not good enough. Put me in, Coach! Defense! Defense! Geh–thank you." [Fingers snap in approval of Coach Halder's poem.] Coach Halder: "Thank you. Thank you." Charmaine: "Next up is a brand new poet–let's have some snaps for Wyatt Williams." Wyatt: [as the other patrons snap fingers] "I don't think I'm ready for this." Starr: "It'll be good for you. You need to get it out." [She shoves him forward.] ''[Wyatt stands in front of the microphone. Nothing comes to mind.]'' Starr: "Just think about Serena." Wyatt: [improvising] "Hot record store girl with the fly jeans, you suck! I hate your stupid jeans, and I hate your new boyfriend's stupid hair! You made me look like a jerk, you ditched me, left me, and you suck! I wish I'd never met you! HOOOWWAAAAHHHH!!!" [The patrons cheer and actually clap his performance.] Starr: [as Wyatt comes offstage] "Wow! It's like you just threw up your soul, and we all got to see it!" Wyatt: "Why do I feel so–so light?" Starr: "You just let all of your getting dumped baggage out of your system!" Wyatt: "I have to do this again! But don't tell the gang. They'd just laugh." Starr: "Okay. Pinky swear." [They pinky swear on it.]

[Starr is telling a story to Wyatt's friends.] Starr: "...and brought me a bag of goldfish! But then this other guy cut them all in half, except for one. I named him Left Fin. Because he had his right fin cut off. And he just swam in these big circles. Oh hey, Wyatt!" Wyatt: [unnaturally relaxed] "Hey guys. Don't you just love Fridays?" Nikki: "Uh, are you okay?" Wyatt: "Totally! Sorry Starr. Finish your story." Starr: "Okay! So I was having this party–" Nikki: [looking at her phone] "Oh no! Look at the time. Aren't you guys gonna be late for work?" Jude: "Oh right. Gotta go." Starr: [getting up with him] "Bye! Come by later. I think I've figured out a really good new meal." [Jonesy and Nikki smile nervously.] Wyatt: "Seeya." [He leaves as well.] Nikki: "Bye." Caitlin: "Later." Jen: [after Wyatt leaves] "Okay, what is with Wyatt?" Nikki: "He actually sounded happy." Jen: "Exactly! Something's up. You just don't go from miserable to happy." Caitlin: "Maybe he found a new girlfriend!" Jen: "Well I'm gonna find out. Who's up for some undercover action?" Caitlin: "I'm in." Nikki: "Uh, I would, but I've gotta get back to Blonde and Blonder, who are now brunettes for some reason." Jonesy: [sighing] "I guess I should really go to work." Jen: "Okay. It's you and me, Caitlin."

''[Jen and Caitlin then proceed to follow Wyatt around the mall while wearing blonde hairpieces and sunglasses. When Wyatt almost sees them, they duck into the Khaki Barn. Kristen and Kirsten spot them.]'' Kirsten: "Oh no." Kristen: [gasping] "Our hair is so yesterday!" [Jen and Caitlin, unsure of what's going on, run out of the store.] Kirsten: "We have to be blonde again!" Kristen: [as they leave] "Nikki, watch the store!" Nikki: [nasally] "Nikki, watch the store! Nikki, fold the shirts!" [normally] "Why do I always feel like the ugly stepsister?" Kirsten: "Ooh! Can I answer this one?" Nikki: "Oh, bite me."

[Wyatt is in the Penalty Box.] Wyatt: "Hey, Coach Halder. Just wanted to say good job last night." Coach Halder: "Angry Jilted Guy! You gonna be there tonight? I've got a little ditty about golf I was gonna perform." Wyatt: "Yeah, I think I will be." [Jen and Caitlin spy on them from afar.] Jen: "What could Wyatt and Coach Halder possibly have to talk about?" Charlie: "Jen? Is that you?" [Charlie Dobbs has come up on them from behind.] Jen: "Um–uh–" [removing her sunglasses] "Hi." Charlie: [excited] "What did you do to your hair?" Jen: "Nothing. Why? Do you like it?" Charlie: "I love it! But you didn't have to go blonde just for me." Jen: "I didn't. I mean–" Caitlin: "C'mon!" Jen: "Huh?" ''[Wyatt is on the move again. Jen puts her sunglasses back on.]'' "Uh, ooh! Gotta run. Bye!" [Wyatt moves through the food court with a strange confidence.] Wyatt: [suavely, to Mandy] "Hello." ''[As he passes another guy, they silently greet each other. Jen and Caitlin watch as Wyatt walks into Grind Me.]''

[Once again, a poetry session is going on.] Wyatt: [reciting his new work] "Where was the crossing guard when I was crossing Lover's Lane? Where was the guard when I got mowed down by a sedan named Woman? You should have honked your horn, Woman! I didn't see you coming, Woman!" [Jen and Caitlin slip inside.] "BAM!" Jen and Caitlin: "Wyatt?!?" [Wyatt hears them, looks over, and slumps, defeated.]

[Caitlin, Jen, and Jonesy are hanging out at the food court.] Jonesy: "Wyatt is doing poetry? This I have got to see." Caitlin: "Jonesy, you can't say anything. There's obviously a reason Wyatt didn't want us to find out." Jude: "Find out about what?" [He and Starr have arrived with food.] Jonesy: "He's reciting poetry at Grind Me!" ''[He collapses in a fit of laughter. Wyatt walks up.]'' Wyatt: "Aw, man! None of you were supposed to know about this!" Starr: "I didn't tell anyone." Jen: "It's my fault. I just wanted to know what was going on with you." Wyatt: "And you didn't trust me to tell you when I was ready?" Nikki: [walking up] "Hi guys. Tell her what?" Starr: "That Wyatt's in a slam poetry contest to-mor...row..." [She trails off.] Wyatt: "Alright, so you all know. Let the ribbing begin." Jonesy: "Forsooth, where doth I start?" Caitlin: "Can we come watch?" Wyatt: "No! Please, guys, just let me do this on my own." Jen: "Um, we want to support you." Wyatt: "You wouldn't be into it." Jen: "How do you know?" [Wyatt sighs.] Wyatt: "It's just that it kind of takes a certain amount of maturity." Nikki: "So we're not grown up enough?" Caitlin: "We can be mature." Jude: "I'm not really mature, but I'd really like to see it." Nikki: "Oh, don't bother, Jude. Obviously Wyatt here thinks it's way above us." Wyatt: "No! I just don't think you can handle it, that's all." Jonesy: "Oh, that's it! I don't even want to go to this stupid poetry thing, but I'm going, baby!" Wyatt: "Fine. It's at seven sharp." [Wyatt gets up and walks away from his friends.] Starr: "Do you think you guys can watch without laughing?" Jonesy: "Are you kidding? This is gonna be hilarious." Jen: "Jonesy, you can't laugh, no matter how funny it is!" Nikki: "Jen's right. Now who has a good technique for not laughing?" Caitlin: "Okay, I clench my teeth together really tight, stare straight ahead, and count to ten." Jonesy: "I just think of dead kittens." Caitlin: "Eww!" Jen: "Eww!" Jonesy: "What? You're not laughing, are you?" [He sniffs the air.] "Hey, what smells so good?" Starr: "My newest creation! Who wants one?"

[Soon afterwards, everyone has supped on Starr's work.] Jude: "So what were those, anyway?" Starr: "Colon Cold Bean Burritos." Nikki: "Yeah, you might want to consider renaming them." Starr: "Beans are really good for your digestive tract." Jen: "Oh no! Beans make me–" Jude: "Fart?" [Jen nods, and he chuckles.] Caitlin: "Not me! Thanks to all those step classes I do, I've got the butt muscles of Baryshnikov." [She scratches her head and removes the wig.] "These are so itchy. Why didn't you take yours off?" Jen: "I can't. I made this big fuss about how Charlie was staring at blondes, and now he thinks I dyed my hair for him. And he–" Nikki: "Okay, uh, can we get back on topic here? Wyatt, poetry, no laughing?" Jonesy: "Right. Pretend we're listening to poetry." ''[A silence descends upon the table as everyone closes their eyes and pretends. Jude coughs, and everyone starts laughing.]'' Jen: [still laughing] "Jonesy!" Jonesy: [laughing] "We'll all look like constipated librarians!" Jen: "Well we have to get it under control before tonight or we're dead! Okay. One, two, three..." [After a few seconds, mirth breaks out once more.]

[The six listeners walk up to the coffeehouse.] Jen: "Remember. Do not make fun of anyone until we're at least thirty steps away. I don't care if you have to bite your tongues off! Do it for Wyatt!" ''[She walks in, scratching her head. Wayne is talking.]'' Wayne: "What is 'cool'? That elusive evasive elastic entity, fluid like the water, man, the water in the pool, man! I'd dive in, but I'd probably drown, 'cause my dad never taught me to swim, man. I leave you here with this: WHO. CARES." ''[Wayne receives his snaps. He rubs the microphone against his armpit and walks off. Ron steps up.]'' Ron: "Shock and Awe: An Ode to Jungle Combat." [starting his poem] "You think you can escape from reality. I am reality. Do what you're told, soldier, or the machine breaks down." Four Other Rons: [in tandem] "WE BREAK DOWN!" Ron: "IT ALL GOES DOWNHILL, SOLDIER! RUN! Dank, dark...swampy prison. Fear is good. Smell that FEAR! NOW! RUN, SOLDIER, RUN!" Jonesy: [whispering to his friends] "That didn't make me wanna laugh." Charmaine: "Okay, uh, next up is Julie, performing 'My Womanhood'." [Charmaine backs away, and Julie steps up.] Julie: "I...am...woman! Rawr!" [Jude giggles.] "I prowl through the warm night, hunting the taste of your lips on my lips!" [Jonesy slaps his forehead.] "Unleash my inner woman! Make...me...purr." [Jonesy covers his hand with his mouth and snickers.] Charmaine: "Powerful stuff. Now please welcome our newest regular, Wyatt." Wyatt: [taking his seat] "Who said you could dump me like that? Who said you could treat me like that? Who do you think I am, woman?" [Starr elbows Jude awake.] "Now the mall no longer feels like home! Now your friend gives me half as much foam!" [Caitlin's stomach gurgles.] "Someday you'll pay the price! Someday your life won't seem so nice, 'cause you're a taker, woman! You're a nasty taker!" ''[Caitlin farts loudly. The gang starts to laugh. Along the way, Jen's wig falls off, which makes them laugh even harder. Wyatt throws down the microphone and stomps out of the store.]'' Nikki: [running after him] "Wyatt, we are so sorry." Jude: "Yeah. It was all Caitlin's fault." Jonesy: "Yeah! What happened, Baryshnikov? I thought you had buns of steel!" Jen: "Don't blame her! It was the bean burritos." Wyatt: "Are you all through?" [They stop.] "Good. I don't want to hear anything any of you has to say." [Wyatt stomps away angrily.] Jen: "Uh-oh." Starr: [catching up to them] "You promised you wouldn't laugh!" Caitlin: "I tried, but I couldn't hold it in! I'm never gonna be able to face those people again!" Jonesy: "I don't think it's your face they're worried about." Starr: "It's all my fault! They said you couldn't put five different beans in one burrito, but I had to go and like, push the envelope!" Nikki: "Whoa there bean girl. There might be a way for you to make it up to us. And to Wyatt."

''[The Khaki Barn is strangely closed. Nikki pushes the door open.]'' Nikki: "Hello?" Kirsten: [sounding depressed] "We're in here." Nikki: [walking over to the counter] "Hey guys, what's up?" Kristen: "We couldn't leave the store." Nikki: "I think you're taking this 'I love Khaki Barn' thing a little too far." Kristen: "No, I mean we can't leave. It's too humiliating!" ''[The two stand up. Their hair is now a strange shade of snot green.]'' Kirsten: "Don't look at us!" Kristen: "We're hideous!" Nikki: [chuckling] "Oh, wow." Kristen: "We must have overprocessed." Kirsten: "You have to help us fix this! We'll do anything you want!" Nikki: "Anything? Okay, I want the whole rest of the weekend off. Paid." Kristen: "Done." Nikki: "And I want you to say I'm the most stylish girl you've ever met." [Kristen and Kirsten gape.] Nikki: [shrugging] "Fine." [She begins leaving.] Kirsten: "Okay, okay!" Kristen and Kirsten: "You're the most stylish girl we've ever met." Nikki: [coming back] "And you wish you were me." Kristen and Kirsten: "And we wish we were you." Nikki: "But sadly, we're just a couple of fashion sheep." Kristen and Kirsten: "But sadly we're just a couple of fashion sheep." Nikki: "Alright then, hang tight."

[When we next see them, Kristen and Kirsten are wearing the blonde wigs from earlier.] Kirsten: "Wicked wigs, Nikki. Thanks." Kristen: "We look so fetch!"

''[Caitlin, Jen, Jude, Starr, Nikki, and Jonesy are seated at the usual table. Nikki is writing something.]'' Nikki: "Okay, okay, a poem for Wyatt. Let's focus." Jonesy: "Right. Hey Jen, what's with making your boyfriend pick up your chick stuff at the pharmacy?" Jen: "What are you talking about?" Jonesy: "Fashionable Woman Magazine and a box of tampons? Talk about turning him into a wuss." Jen: "But I didn't–" Charlie: [walking up] "Jen–you're a–brunette again." Jen: "I suppose you're disappointed?" Charlie: "No, I-I–" Jen: "At least I didn't cheat on you." Charlie: "I didn't cheat on you!" Jen: "Oh yeah? Who were the Fashionable Woman Magazine and tampons for, huh!" Charlie: "My mom." Caitlin and Jen: "Eww!" Jonesy: "Dude, that's even worse than your girlfriend making you get them!" [Stuart Goldstein, passing by, overhears and comes to stand behind Jonesy.] Charlie: "You told her what I bought?!?" Jonesy: "I thought you were cheating on her." Jen: "So you're not cheating on me?!?" Charlie: "No. Do you always jump to conclusions." Nikki: "Huh, yeah." Jen: "So, are we okay then?" Stuart Goldstein: "No, Jonesy. You broke the pharmaceutical oath–you're fired."

[Nikki is finishing the last lines of the poem.] Starr: "Okay. Are we ready?" Nikki: "All set." Jen: "Okay, you guys go get Wyatt. We'll be waiting at the rendevous."

''[Wyatt is sitting in Underground Video. Starr, Jude, Jonesy and Nikki walk up to him.]'' Jude: "We have a sick surprise for you!" [Wyatt ignores them.] Jonesy: "And if you don't come with us right now I'm gonna kick your butt!" Wayne: "Oh for the love of Pamela Anderson, will you just get this over with? Wyatt, you forgive them–you guys, whatever. You seem sorry. Good enough for me. Everyone copacetic?" Nikki and Wyatt: [monotone] "Yes." Jonesy: "Yes." Starr: "Yes." Wayne: "Good. Now buzz off."

''[Another poetry reading is going on. Jen and her friends are onstage–Wyatt is in the audience.]'' Caitlin: "We're sorry we laughed." Jude: "Caitlin's butt just had to blast." Jen: "If you take us back as your friends–" Jonesy and Nikki: "We'll never come to one of your poetry readings again!" [The crowd booes them heartily.] Charmaine: [as they leave the stage] "Nice try, guys." Wyatt: "That–was terrible. But I appreciate it, thanks guys." Caitlin: "So you forgive us?" Wyatt: "Yeah. Sure." Caitlin: "EEE!" ''[She runs over and hugs Wyatt. The crowd breathes a collective 'Aww'.]'' Audience Member: "Hey! You're the fart girl!" [The people in Grind Me laugh as Caitlin runs out of there crying.]