Ext. Forest - Day

1 [Whirring] [Theme music plays] [Whirring] Man: It's alive! - Say, Merlin? - Yes, my boy? Remember when you turned me into a boy squirrel and there was that annoying girl squirrel - who was bothering me so much? - I believe so, yes. Remember she was kind of cute and she really bugged me, - and I didn't like it. - Hmm, what of her? Do you want me to turn you back into a squirrel so you can have sex with the squirrel? Is that it, boy? What?! No, that's that's so crazy. [laughs] You're the one who's getting all squirrelly now. You old squirrel brain. You've you've been sniffing too many potions. [forced laughter] Well, I just thought of something crazy. Wouldn't it be so crazy to change her into a human girl just to see how annoying she would look, probably? My boy, I could very easily change her into a girl, but Good idea. That was your idea. - That's a good idea. - However, just as you retained your human brain when you became a squirrel, - she would retain her squirrel brain. - Oh. Oh, okay then. Do it. Hi, guys! It's me, Joker! A lot of people have been asking for a makeup tutorial, so I'm gonna give it to ya! I prefer the L'Oreal ruby charcoal lip liner because the Kylie Lip Kit smears when Batman punches me in the face. [laughs] I'm not a heroin addict, but I want people to wonder whether I'm a heroin addict. You understand. And don't forget to write your own personal mantra across your forehead! Son of a Is this really necessary? 50% off Monistat? Well, you do know your you audience. Nobody uses those coupons! - Is this at least recycled? - Um Yeah. [Sobbing] Remember, kids, every time a CVS receipt starts printing, a tree ugly-cries. I don't think we're doing this right. My husband asked me why I don't go down on him anymore. I told him, because snakes smell with their tongues. Right, ladies? Wash your cloacas, guys! Wash them! [laughs] Oh, anyway What else is going on. What it says about America is profound. Well, they're certainly sexual if one chooses to view them that way. It's a masterpiece. In this piece, you seem to be exposing the Louisiana Purchase as unjust. Am I right? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. So true, so true. Meep, meep! [Music] [Applause] He's dead. Is it too late to bid on that piece? Is your person a dumb whore who's having an affair with her best friend's husband, secretly gave him chlamydia, and gets guilty yeast infections? Oh, dear! This game is getting awfully specific. I'm not doing a threesome with you, Screech. If you want to disappoint two people, call your parents. Zack Morris, you might think you're the only person with super powers, but you are part of a larger Time-out. Who is this guy, and what the heck is he doing in my bedroom? - I guess I'll find out. Time-in. - universe. Anything's better than school, as long as I get a cool code name. - Like what? - My name's Zack Morris, and I stop time every day. So my code name will be "Morris Day and the Time. " Whoa. Even the laugh track wasn't crazy about that one. [Laughter] Hey, Morris Day and the Time, a little help? Time-out. Man, this is bad. I should have learned an actual skill to supplement my time-out power. All I know how to do is break the fourth wall to monologue about stuff. [Laughter] At least, I can move Hawkeye out of harm's way. Perfect. Time-in. Don't just stand there, do somethi [Crash] Time-out. Oh, boy. [Panting] - Time-in. - There you are. You weren't in class. What can I say, the hero returns. [Aww] [Music] Ooh, and there's the Pound Town Library. And up ahead, that's Pound Town Post Office. And as we crest this hill here, you're gonna see the University of Pound Town. Well, this is not what I thought you meant. [Over PA] The Cabbage Patch Kids Feed Me doll ripped out my daughter's hair. My little Suzie broke her finger in that doll's mouth. - What's your complaint, sir? - Oh, I don't have a complaint, I just came to see if I could get more of these dolls. [Squelching, crowd gasping] You must choose the cup that is the Holy Grail. Hmm. Uh-uh. Ah, this! This is the cup of a carpenter. You have chosen. [Humming] [Chittering] Hey, uh, Merlin? I feel kind of guilty about this whole thing. I hope you've learned your lesson about turning animals into women, my boy. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you had company. Squawk! Learned your lesson! Learned your lesson. My squirrel is pregnant, BT-Dubs. - Gah. - Gerr! Master Wayne, how was crime-fighting this evening? - Did you get the Joker? - Oh, I got him! I'll get the soda water. Be careful not to choke on your aspirations, director. [Laughs evilly] Oh, Vader, the humor is strong in you. Chosen one. [Ventilator wheezing] Give me the plans. Do not force me to destroy you. Have a nice trip. See you next fall. Don't get ahead of yourself. Is this a party? Then let's raise the roof! Oh! - What is a squirrel's favorite food? - What?! - Nuts! - Ow, my nuts! One, two, button my shoe. Three, four [Grunting] hold the door. Blockade run, eh? I barely know her. Lord Vader, did we get the plans? Oh, right the plans. Maybe I shouldn't have dicked around so much. Welcome to Fight Club. The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club. Second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club. - Ugh. Yes? - Sorry to interrupt. I don't know if you realize it, but you said - the same rule twice. - Ugh, yes, I did that on purpose to make sure the rule is driven home. Oh, okay, thanks. I just wanted to make sure we didn't accidentally miss out on a rule. - Nope, you didn't. - Okay. When we're gathered for our, uh, let's say a tea party Ugh, okay, when you're in Fight Club, - you can talk about Fight Club. - Okay, thanks. No, that that was that was my question. [Telephone ringing] - Fight Club? - No! - But you said! - You are in Fight Club, but whoever's on the phone is "not" in Fight Club. - Um, uh - Dah! So rule 8, paragraph 9, section one, if you're in Fight Club, opening the door to let someone in to Fight Club, you do not talk about Fight Club until the door is closed. We good? Has everybody got this? - [Shutter clicks] No! - But I didn't even do anything! You know what, fuck it. I don't exist anyway. Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. No, that's not how it works anymore! [Narrator] In the dark, dark wood, [Music] there is a dark, dark house. And in that dark, dark house, there is a dark, dark room. And in that dark, dark room, your parents are doing it. [Moaning, narrator laughing maniacally] [Music] And that's how the Titanic changed my life forever. Wow, Rose, that's a beautiful story about how Jack died and the giant diamond was lost. It's hard to believe such a fairy tale - of love even happened. - Yes, um hard to believe. [Horn blowing] [Giggling] Nobody will look for us in here. [Moaning] Man: Iceberg dead ahead! - Huh? - Oh! Uh-oh! Was that the Heart of the Ocean? Holy shit. Jack, it's worth a fortune! Oh! Wait, wait, wait. I think I feel it. Uh-oh, Rose! My hand is stuck in the toilet! - Uh, Jack? - Oh, God. Oh, God, no, no no, no, no, no, no! Oh, God. No. Help us! I'm drowning in poop water. Rose, my hand is trapped in the toilet. But you can survive. Our love will go on even if only one of us - Okay, bye. - Oh! Wow Whoo. Oh, maybe everything's okay. [Penny whistle tune] This one's for you, Jack. [Flatulence, spraying] Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk - Ba-gawk! - Bawk. [Penny whistle tune]