Best Frenemies

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Best Frenemies" from season four, which aired on March 31, 2007.

Plot
(at the Krusty Krab)

Mr. Krabs: (gasps) No, it's impossible. I must've counted me money a dozen times, and it still comes up short. Profits are down. Oh, I feel sorry for me self. (walks out of office)

Squidward: Would you like a drink with that order?

Customer: Oh no, thanks. I got me one of those new kelpshakes before I came in here.

Squidward: That comes out to two dollars even.

Customer: Wow, what a steal.

Mr. Krabs: What the...why didn't that guy order a deliciously over-priced fountain beverage with his krabby patty?

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, we haven't sold a single soda in days.

Mr. Krabs: What? Why not? (SpongeBob is slurping his 'kelpshake' loudly) All right, boy, it's done! You're gonna suck the whole cup down your gullet if you're not careful.

SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr Krabs, it's just that this kelpshake tastes so good.

Mr. Krabs: Kelpshake?

SpongeBob: Look around ya. Everyone's enjoying a delicious kelpshake. (everyone is slurping their kelpshake) Mm-mm. I'll be right back, Mr Krabs. I'm gonna get a refill.

Mr. Krabs: Refill? That's it. Listen up, everybody! New rule: no outside drinks. No exceptions! (everyone leaves with their kelpshake) Squidward: That's telling them.

Mr. Krabs: Grr. I better get to the bottom of this. (Squidward secretly sips his kelpshake. Mr. Krabs walks outside) Ah! A new store! (store is shaped like a kelpshake) On my block! Taking my customers. (gasps) Pearl. (Pearl is drinking a kelpshake) Me own flesh and blood. How could you do this to your papa?

Pearl: What are you talking about, Dad?

Mr. Krabs: I'm talking about this. (points to kelpshake) Pearl: Once you taste the secret goodness of a kelpshake... (slurping): You can't have just one.

Mr. Krabs:(tries taking the kelpshake from Pearl but she pulls it back)

Pearl: Buy your own.

Mr. Krabs: Why I wouldn't give them a cent.

Pearl: I feel sorry for you.

Mr. Krabs: Then you do understand. (starts to cry...) Pearl: Dad, you're embarrassing me. (drags her dad a few more feet before prying him off) Oh, get away. (Mr. Krabs is still c rying)

Mr. Krabs: Oh, no! Confound you, new kelpshake store. What's your secret? (gasps) Of course. Plankton, I bet he's behind this. A-ha! I knew you were behind this!

Plankton: Pardon me, I've done nothing wrong.

Mr. Krabs: Then how do you explain this? (gestures to kelpshake) Plankton: Holy Moly, how'd that happen?

Mr. Krabs: Don't try that with me, Plankton. This new store is ruining me business.

Plankton: Really?! Wait a minute! That's my job! (groans) Blast it! It's bad enough I have to compete with this joker. Now there's this?! Kelpshakes.

Mr. Krabs: Wow. I guess you're not behind this afterall. Plankton, they have... a secret formula.

Plankton: No, not another secret. And if there's a secret, I want to know about it! (rumbling)

Mr. Krabs: Oh!

Plankton: (gasps as one Kelpshake multiplies itself to have two Kelpshake stores) They're multiplying. Why, they're on every corner.

Mr. Krabs: Block after block.

Plankton: They're everywhere.

Mr. Krabs: (Kelpshake store falls on both of them) We've got to do something about this. (cut to later where Mr. Krabs and Plankton walk into a Kelpshake store) You sure this is going to work?

Plankton: Just stick to the plan.

Mr. Krabs: (whistles) Oh, let's see, let's see. Ah, there you are. (spots an 'employees only' sign. Whispers to Plankton) Plankton, I think I found the kitchen. Plankton: Let's do this thing.

Mr. Krabs: Here goes. Wa-choo! (sneezes on a mom and daughter) I'm sorry, I have a bit of a (gasping): ah-ah-ah-ah-ah...choo!! (continues sneezing on everything. Sneezes Plankton onto the door window)

Employee: Eww. (sprays a cleaner at Plankton)

Plankton: (screams) My eye, my eye, my eye! (Mr. Krabs and Plankton run out and behind the Krusty Krab)

Mr. Krabs: I think we lost them. Well, you got any more bright ideas?

Plankton: Of course I do. (cut to nighttime where Mr. Krabs and Plankton are wearing black ski clothes)

Mr. Krabs: All set, Plankton?

Plankton: You better believe it. This high-powered mechanical bio-arm I invented should pry those restaurant doors open nice and easy. (presses a button that makes the hand move. The hand short-circuits) What the barnacles? Come on, you piece of garbage. (presses the button many times. The mechanical bio-arm slaps Plankton a bunch of times) Ouch! Uncle! Uncle!

Mr. Krabs: If you want anything done right, you've got to do it yourself. (takes out a metal rod and tries to open the doors when his back pops) Oh, me back. (moaning)

Plankton: (whispering): Krabs, pipe down. You're gonna soil our plans if you wake up the watchdog. (guardworm is sleeping)

Mr. Krabs: Never mind that. What about SpongeBob? SpongeBob: Hi, Mr Krabs. Hi...Plankton? Uh, Mr Krabs, I'm a little confused. Don't you and Plankton hate each other?

Mr. Krabs: Of course we do.

SpongeBob: Then why is he in your fist?

Mr. Krabs: Uh...we've gone into business together. You see, SpongeBob, we were here, uh...to fix this door.

Plankton: Now we have to fix the roof.

Mr. Krabs: That's right. That's right. We have to fix the roof. It's, it's, it's leaking. (crickets chirping)

SpongeBob: Well, good luck with that. See ya. (cut to later where Mr. Krabs is using jackhammer to get into the roof)

Plankton: Keep her going, Krabs. At this rate, we'll have the Kelpshake's recipe faster than you can say... (speaker comes up from under the roof)

Speaker: You have three seconds before spontaneous combustion. Plankton: Let's beat it!

Mr. Krabs: No kidding. (runs)

Plankton: Wait, you forgot m... (gets zapped and disintegrates. Cut to the next day where a line of people are ordering kelpshakes. Plankton is under one of the tiles on the floor. He laughs maniacally until the customers step on him, making him scream. Cut to Mr. Krabs lowering Plankton by a rope through the vent. Plankton is about to take a sip of a kelpshake when the custome takes a sip first, swallowing Plankton. Plankton opens the customers mouth and is raised up through the vent. Cut to Mr. Krabs blowing Plankton through a hose and out of a sink pipe. When Plankton gets out, he is covered with kelpshake juice and thrown down the disposal) I'm throwing in the towel, Krabs! All these convoluted plans are getting us nowhere. And to top it all off, I'm the only one that's taking the heat!

Mr. Krabs: What's that suppose to mean?

Plankton: I don't see you on the front lines. Sure, let me do all the work, while you just sit back like the fat gorilla

you are!!

Mr. Krabs: (grabs Plankton) Who you are calling a gorilla, you one-cent, one-eyed bottom-feeder!? SpongeBob: Mr Krabs, if you want a kelpshake, why don't you just buy one? (slurps kelpshake)

Mr. Krabs: Buy one? (cut to later where Mr Krabs and Plankton are in line at the Kelpshake store)

Customer: I'll have one Kelpshake, please.

Mr. Krabs: I don't know about this, Plankton.

Plankton: It's easy. Just smile and hand the cashier the money. Cashier: Can I help you?

Plankton: Good luck.

Mr. Krabs: Hi there. Uh, could I get one Kelpshake?

Cashier: Sure, that'll be one dollar.

Mr. Krabs: Uh, ok. (gets out a dollar and slowly hands it to the cashier)

Cashier: (cash register dings) Thank you. (Mr. Krabs is not letting go of the dollar) Sir, please let go of the bill.

Plankton: Release your grip, man. Do it! (Mr. Krabs does so. The cashier puts the dollar in the register and hands the Kelpshake to Mr. Krabs)

Cashier: Enjoy.

Mr. Krabs: Thanks. (runs out laughing) I can't believe we did it.

Plankton: Oh, believe it, Krabs. Now let's get to the lab and find out what this stuff is made of. (scene cuts to the Kelpshake on a plate and Karen being sent a sample of it) What's the secret ingredient, Karen?

Karen: Well, it appears that the main ingredient is kelp juice.

Plankton & Mr. Krabs: Just kelp juice?

Mr. Krabs: And to think this whole time I could've been selling these meself!

Plankton: You? What about me? If anyone, I deserve to make a buck of selling this stuff. Mr. Krabs: (takes kelp juice) No way, pipsqueak. This gold mine is mine.

Plankton: Not if I can help it. (jumps at Mr. Krabs but goes between his eyes and splatters into the wall) Ow.

Mr. Krabs: (cackling) Nice try. (about to take a sip)

Karen: I wouldn't do that if I were you. There's another ingredient.

Mr. Krabs: Hey, I paid good money for this thing. Of course I'm gonna drink it. (takes a sip then spits it out) What the...? I don't get what the big deal is. This tastes like a wet gym sock.

Plankton: Really? Let me try that. (sips) Actually, there is a bit of a pungent aftertaste.

Mr. Krabs: Hmmm. (sips) Hey, you're right. This ain't half bad. (takes another sip) This is amazing.

Plankton: Well, don't be selfish. (sips and laughs) Oh yeah.

Karen: Oh no.

Plankton: (drinks all the juice) Krabs, we're all out of juice.

Mr. Krabs: Well, we gotta get more.

Karen: You're making a big mistake.

Mr. Krabs: Ah, phooey. You don't know what you're talking about. (walks out with Plankton) Kelpshake, kelpshake. Oh how I love a kelpshake.

SpongeBob: (runs up crying covered in yellowish-green fur) What's happening to me? (Mr. Krabs & Plankton gasp) They've shutdown the kelpshake restaurants! (screaming as he runs off)

Plankton & Mr. Krabs: Huh?

Worker #1: It'll take decades to clean this hazardous material up.

Worker #2: I sure do feel sorry for whoever drank this. (Mr. Krabs screams as he is growing yellowish-green fur just like Plankton is)

Plankton: Look at us! Mr. Krabs: Now what are we going to do?

Plankton: I don't know about you but I'm going back to what I do best. Stealing your recipe. (laughs) Mr. Krabs: Hey, wait a minute! Plankton!

Plankton: (laughs) Come to papa. (Mr. Krabs opens the door)

Mr. Krabs: Hold it right there. You're not going anywhere...without a ten second head start. (opens vault)

Plankton: It's good to be home.

Mr. Krabs: You said it.

Plankton: (runs off as Mr. Krabs chases him) I love being hated.

Mr. Krabs: Hey, get back here you little booger!