Stan's Old Owner

Oh, I just love these picnics. Our neighbors coming together to share in community and friendship. That's Barbara Milson. She has a rash no one can explain. And spread vicious gossip. I can't wait for the Stewarts to get here. They're my favorite couple. - I know, I love our game nights. - Well, next time let's play Oh, ah! Sounds like Ah, you're a robot. You're marching, it's a parade, charades! [Both laughing] Oh, hey, there they are! They are the two coolest parents here. Next to us. Both: Snail! - Hey guys! - Mr. Stewart: Hey, there! Good news, I brought my specialty; Meatloaf. All: Oh! - And what'd you bring, Ellen? - My specialty. Plates and cups. All: Oh! Hey, look. Chloe and Darcy seemed to have patched things up. That's good. I was afraid if they stopped being friends it'd be a lot harder for us to hang out. But look, they're hugging. I'm going to pop your head off! I want to pop your head off! Both: Hey, B.F.F. [Both laughing] Oh! Hey, Stan. Avery, they have a new stupid rule for these picnics. All dogs go in the pen. My little dog's already in there. Oh, Stan was really looking forward to this picnic. Huh? I mean, as much as you could ever know what a dog is thinking. Stan, I guess you're going to have to go in the pen. I can't go back in there. I just can't! Wait, I've never been in there. Oh, there it is! There's the meatloaf. Oh, it's like a precious little meat baby. - Mine! - No, it's mine! - No, it's mine! - Whoa, oh, oh, oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let go, let go! [Arguing] Both: What is wrong with you? You guys are supposed to be friends. - She took my nose! - And I'm not giving it back! Give Darcy her nose. She keeps licking me. Stop licking Chloe. We talked about this. She doesn't taste like a strawberry, she just looks like one. What? You're doing this? You're actually throwing me in the can? I'm so sorry. Bring you food. Don't bother. I'm going on a hunger strike until I get out. Oh, come on, you're going to be in here for two hours. Then bring me food. Just try to have fun with the other dogs, okay? Oh, okay. I'll try. Hey guys. Have you heard this one? Knock, knock? [Barking] No, it's not a real door. It's a joke. Stan: I wasn't allowed at the picnic, and I didn't fit in with the dogs. My subtle wit and wordplay were lost on them. Even Lindsay's dog. Sure, she looks sophisticated in that hat, but I saw her eat half a diaper. [Music] Hey. You, uh, ready to help me out with Chloe? Yeah, I don't really understand how this plan is gonna work. You don't have to understand it. You just have to do it. It's like school. - Hey, guys. - Hey, Sweetie. - Hey, that's my cereal. - Get over it, Sally. I learned that from Avery. It means, you're making too big a deal. I got real problems, Sally. Is it that mom and dad are making you be friends with Darcy? I'll tell you what you can do. Steal her nose? Did it. No. Break up mom and dad's friendship with Darcy's parents. Once they split, you and Darcy are done. I'm listening. Avery taught me that, too. It means, I'm listening, Sally. [Doorbell rings] - I got it. - Are you expecting anyone? Well, after your carelessness cost us a meatloaf I mentioned to Kelly that you might have the flu and couldn't cook. Oh, good thinking! If it's her, I'll look feverish and wan. And then go set the table. Hi. - Are you Bennett James? - Yes, I am. - Did Kelly send you? - Ah, no. I'm Dr. Ian Calloway. Oh, well, I don't care, then. This is a little awkward, but I came here all the way from Spokane, Washington. Because I think you have my dog. I'm Stan's original owner. Oh, my gosh. That's incredible! So, no meatloaf? Stan used to be your dog? Yes, he ran away when he was a puppy. But don't worry, I'm not here to take him back. I just always wondered what happened to the little [Makes honking noise] Guy. Sorry, my ears got clogged on the plane. Oh, ha, ha. Well, please, come in. So, um, Dr. Calloway, how did you find us? Oh, a friend who read your latest book saw a picture of Stan and your family on the back cover. That's incredible! Who read my book? - Did they like it? - Yeah. - Is the meatloaf here? - Who hit the doorbell? Uh kids, this is Dr. Ian Calloway, Stan's original owner. - What? - No, he's ours! You can't have our dog! All: Oh! No, no, no. I just wanted to make sure he landed in a good home. Oh. Ah, then nice to meet you. Sorry, Dr. Calloway, we got a little nervous. Any chance I can see Stan? Oh, I'm sure he'd be thrilled. Stan! Stan: Dr. Ian Calloway. Ah! I wonder where Stan is? Oh, uh, we'll go look. Come on. That's great. I'm really looking forward to saying [Makes honking noise] Hi to him. His ears are clogged. My ears are clogged. [Makes honking noise] No, they're not. I just wanted to do that. Stan! [Whimpering] Stan, what are you doing in the closet? You have a visitor. Don't make me go down there. He's one of the scientists who did experiments on me when he found out I could talk. Wait! Stan, come here. [Whining] He's one of those guys? I was a puppy. Ian became obsessed. I was his guinea pig. His lab rat. But, you know, still a dog. I know you can talk. Say something, so I can analyze you're synaptic vocal coding, make other dogs talk, and amass a fortune. - Help! - Say something! Oh, wait! I missed it, let me turn it on. Then you can talk again. - Never! - Wait 'til I turn it on. Okay, go! Fine. Don't cooperate. I can stay here all day. Until seven. I have theater tickets. [Whispering] But I'll be back by 11. He's obviously come back for me because he was never able to finish his experiments! Don't worry, Stan, we'll get rid of him. Don't be scared. Too late. While I was in your closet, I wet my pants. - You don't wear pants. - All right, full disclosure. I wet your pants. [Music] Stan's in my sister's room. He's not feeling well, I can't get him downstairs. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm not flying home for a few days. Longer if my [makes honking noise] Bags aren't found by the airline. Call me if he perks up. Yeah. Oh! Ellen and Bennett: The meat baby! Both: What is wrong with you? All right, here we go. My turn, my turn. Let's see it. Ah! - This is gonna be easy. - Movie! Just wait. - Stomach! - Shirt! Shirt! Ellen: Tight shirt! Uh, uh Turquoise! Allergies! Freakish belly button! Forget it! It was author. Oh, we never would have gotten that. So, not to be rude, but, uh, what's the story with Oh. It's an outtie that has two little lips. Aah, I meant brunch. What's the story with brunch? Is it ready yet? Okay, girls, showtime. Get the parents fighting, they'll stop being friends, and you'll never have to see each other again. How do we get them fighting? Tell them Darcy wouldn't let you play with her vomitus doll. It's not vomitus! You're vomitus! See how easy it is to get people fighting? You ready, snot monster? Got it, monkey face. Perfect. Thanks, eyebrows. Sorry, got caught up in the moment. You think my belly button is freakish, you should see my sister's. It's like mine, but with hair. Both: Wow. Yeah, the whole family. [Girls arguing in the distance] There's something - Oh, no - [Arguing and yelling] Whoa, stop, stop, stop. Hey, hey, hey! Stop! Darcy won't let me play with her vomitus doll! It's not vomitus! You're vomitus! [Arguing] Hey, Darcy, do not call Chloe vomitus! Your daughter said it first. Yeah, but your daughter said it mean. Our daughter made it cute. Ridiculous! Really, if you feel that way, we're leaving! Then forget game night! Oh, fine! We've been playing with the Petersons, anyway. And they don't eat my meatloaf on paper plates. They use plastic! How unsustainable! Like our friendship. We did it! We're never going to have to play together again. Darcy! We're leaving! Unbelievable. This is the last time we step foot in this house again. So, I know the kids want to break us up so they don't have to play together, but, I still don't get how that's going to make them friends again. They're bonding over destroying us. They'll have so much fun, they'll want to do more stuff together. Hey Did you guys really hang out with the Petersons? It was just one night. We thought of you the whole time. Oh, you want it, Stan? You want it? All right, go get it. Tyler, what are you doing? I thought we agreed that we're going to keep Stan out of sight until we know that that Ian guy is gone. Calm down. Ian is long gone. There's nobody in the park except us, and that dude walking over to Stan. That's Ian! Hey! You get away from him! Oh! I assure you, I just came to see how he's doing. He asked if I still talk. Well, I don't. He told us how badly you treated him. Way to blow my cover. I just convinced him I couldn't talk. What have you been saying? Sure, I'm a scientist who is curious about his gift, but I never harmed him. Stan, don't you remember? You're an amazing little fella. And I'm going to do everything I can to help you. Help? Together, we can find out what makes you talk. And maybe teach other dogs. Then, you'll never be lonely again. Never. Oh, I'd do anything for you, little buddy. Oh, hey. You want to go to the theater tonight? It's who's afraid of Virginia Woolf. [Whining] Don't be afraid. It's not a real wolf. It's not even a real Virginia Woolf. Wow. That does sound familiar maybe I, had everything all wrong. I'm not who you think I am. I always took good care of you. But, I never realized how scary my [coughs] Equipment must have looked to a little puppy. I can not believe my ears haven't popped yet. So, you're really just here to see how he is? Yes. And, I have some exciting news. I found your family, buddy. My What? Ian: Two brothers and a sister. And all they can talk about is wanting to meet you. They talk? Wait a minute. We're just supposed to believe you? That's up to you. I'm just offering Stan a chance to meet his talking brothers and sisters. If he's not interested, no problem. Ian: There's nothing in this for me. Stan. I know you're very happy here. But if you'd like to meet your family, I'd be glad to take you back. [Music] [Sighs] [Sighs] I can't sleep. Me, either. Stan, are you really thinking about going to Spokane with Ian tomorrow? No - Yes I don't know - [Sighing] [Sighing] I mean, I love it here But I don't fit in with dogs. And I don't fit in with humans. Imagine if you were this weird hairy creature that couldn't communicate with other human beings. Suddenly I feel bad for Tyler. I'm serious, Avery. Wait, Stan. Is this about being put in the pen at the picnic? Don't base this huge decision on one frustrating experience. I'm not. I've been feeling this way a lot. It's why I wanted to be like a person and drive the car that time. And why I was psyched to make a friend playing video games online with someone, who didn't even know I was a dog. And that one time I put on your father's suit and took out a small business loan. Can't believe you're really thinking about leaving. I can't believe they gave me the loan. Stan, we've been everything to each other. It's just that this would be a chance to be with others like me. With my real family. You have to be like each other to be a real family. Look at us. Tyler's a lumbering giant. I'm a little Pixie. Chloe's a walking strawberry. We're nothing alike, but we couldn't be a closer family. Ah, you're right. I'm just tired, that's all. Good. Because I could never lose you. And I could never lose you. [Sighing] Good night. Good night. [Door bell rings] - Hello. - Hello. I came to give Chloe back her toys. She's over there. Now, we'll see if making them work together to break us up will bring them back together. This is the critical stage of the plan. In my book, I call this, "the critical stage of the plan". Here are the toys you left at my house. I have yours, too. Here, take your nose back. Thanks. I really missed it. It sneezed a couple of times while I had it. Might have a cold. [Laughing] That's funny. Can you believe we got our parents so mad at each other we don't have to play anymore? We are good. - Oh! - Oh! Oh! [School bell rings] Avery, thanks for the advice yesterday. Oh, no biggie. I have a little mustache, too. It's just blonde so you can't see it. So, what's wrong? You didn't shout at every answer, or correct the teacher once. You really know me, Lindsay. Have you ever had someone that you really care about, and they want something important. But, giving it to them Both: Hurts you more than anything in the world. No. But I'd imagine it'd be horrible. I'd lie awake all night, and Both: Read all my Emily Dickinson poems and threaten to cut my hair! That's exactly what I've been doing! I had a hunch. Thanks, Lindsay. You know, it helps just knowing that you get me. I know. Some people can never find that. Can you imagine how lonely they must be? Yeah. Yeah. I can. Oh. FYI, Mr. Gerwin. The capital Kazakhstan is not Akmola, it's now Astana. Stan. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to say, but I think it might be good for you to go back to Washington with Ian. If this is about the hat, I thought it was Tyler's. No. Stan, I don't care about the hat. In that case, makes your head look like a peanut. There I said it. Stan, I'm serious. This is a chance for you to be with dogs who understand you. Who really get you. You should take it. Really? This is gonna tear my heart out, but I want you to be happy. My happiness means that much to you? Of course it does, Stan. But I wouldn't be with you anymore. Your happiness will always be important to me. No matter where you are. [Laughing] Looks like the plan is working, dad. Well, so far. Thanks for planting the idea in her head. You did great. Not meatloaf great. Lighten up, Sally. Chloe taught me that. Has Bennett ever thought of having it removed? He did. Keeps growing back. You know, if we wanna be friends again, we're going to have to make our parents like each other. I don't know, we got 'em pretty mad at each other. Will you guys be friends again? - Sure. - Okay. We can do anything. Both: Snail! [Laughing] You sure this is the right thing to do? We all love Stan so much. We're doing this because we all love Stan so much. If we love him less, can we keep him? Ian: Stan? Are you ready? Tyler. You're a rock star. I expect great things from you. Girls, watch over him. I don't think he's going very far. Chloe. Never turn off that curly red dream factory of yours, okay? Oh, Stan. And Avery. You just stay who you are. You have more strength and goodness than anyone I know. All set, buddy? Let's just do it. Be happy, Stan. Wait. Oh, come on, Stan. They'll get over it. They have the red head. I can't do this. But, Stan. Your family is waiting for you in Spokane. No, no, no. These guys are my family. They were gonna let me go to make me happy, no matter how sad it made them. That's real love. I'm not giving that up. Stan! - You're the best! - We could never lose you. But, Stan. You'll love Spokane. There are rivers and streams, a beautiful view of Puget Sound. And fabulous regional theater. Wait, you can't see Puget Sound, from Spokane. It's on the other side of the state with a mountain range in between. It's a partial view. And the regional theater is marginal at best. You're lying, aren't you? Only about living in Spokane. I just didn't want you following me. Stan doesn't have any siblings, does he? - There are no other talking dogs. - There will be. I am this close to figuring out how dogs talk, and I need Stan to do it. There he is. Now that's the Ian I remember! - Give me that dog! - Ian stop! I'm not going with you. But I will tell you the secret of how I can talk. Come here. Closer [Whispering] Closer - Stan: Closer - Oh! That's right. I'm 1/8 boxer. Hey, my ears cleared out. Now you clear out. [Growling] - And don't come back! - [Laughing] Stan: This whole thing started with Ian because I didn't know where I belonged. The truth is, I belong exactly where I am. I'd rather be with these three amazing kids in this wonderful family than anywhere else in the world. Except for Australia. I'm dying to drink out of a toilet that swirls the other way.