Glued, Where's My Bob?

(phone ringing)

Linda: Will somebody get that?

Louise: Gene, why don't you get the phone?

You're so good at it.

You know, it could be someone offering free chicken satay...

I'll get it, I'll get it!

Bob's Burg... Aah! It's all over my ear!

(cackles) You just got gooped.

Aah! Mmm. Grape jelly.

This is the best prank war we've ever had.

Goop there it is.

Aw! Did I just miss a goop?

(groans) Haven't you kids done enough gooping?

Never!

Ah! Guacamole!

No! Shaving cream!

Ah! Hummus!

Ah! Toothpaste!

Double goop! Double goop!

So, pretty much just a huge waste of food.

And toiletries.

(phone ringing)

You kids didn't goop the phone in the kitchen, did you?

Well, there's no way to know for sure.

It's clean.

I mean, as clean as it ever is.

Bob's Burgers.

(loudly): Hello, Bob.

It's Skip Marooch.

The celebrity chef!

Skip Marooch. Hi.

I... um, I can barely hear you.

I'm in a helicopter.

I'm searching for exotic spices for my new book.

Oh. Is that a good way to do that?

I mean, spices are so small.

Listen, you know how much I like your food, right?

Yeah. Thanks.

I just got off the phone with a journalist for Coasters magazine.

They're doing a piece on unknown restaurants.

It's like an "undiscovered gems" kind of thing.

I told them they should try your place, Bob.

Oh, that's great.

I mean, we're not unknown, Skip.

I mean, I feel like we're sort of under-known.

No, I know.

But here's the thing, they have to do it today.

Can you do 3:00, Bob?

Uh, yeah!

Great! This'll really put you on the map.

Wow. Thank you.

Did I tell you I'm in a helicopter?

Yep. Yep, that's great.

This is exciting.

Guess who that was?

Uh... Alive or dead?

No. Linda.

It was Skip Marooch.

Oh. That's why you said "Skip Marooch" when you picked up the phone.

He told this magazine writer about us and now he's coming here this afternoon at 3:00 to do a profile on us.

He's bringing a photographer with him.

I hope it's Annie Leibovitz.

I want to be pregnant and painted like Demi Moore!

What magazine is it?

‭Coasters.

(gasps) Coasters?

Coasters.

‭Wow.

You read Coasters?

Everybody reads Coasters.

It's that free magazine.

You can't not read Coasters.

Aunt Gayle bought me a subscription.

But now I'm finding out it's free.

A profile! Oh!

That's practically the cover!

What am I gonna wear?

Wait, what are you gonna wear?

Are you ready for this?

I'm... yeah, of course.

I mean, I've done interviews before.

When?

‭ln the bathtub.

I do both parts.

How do they go?

Uh... Some go well.

I walked out of one.

What were they asking you?

Were they ding-dong questions, and you didn't want to go there?

Maybe this afternoon, if you could all just act... like normal people that are... totally different people... than the people that you are.

I'll be Tina.

Tina, you be me.

Okay. I'll be Gene, I like his whole deal.

Also, no more gooping.

No more future goopings.

You got it, buddy.

Louise, I am serious.

Yeah, there will be no goopings put into action excluding any and all current or existing goopings that have heretofore been laid.

Oh, my God.

This could be big for us.

I know, it's friggin'

Coasters, Bob.

Hey, maybe you should do some practice questions for your interview.

Um, okay, sure.

Okay, here we go.

Who is Bob Belcher?

What is Bob Belcher?

Where is Bob Belcher?

Okay, Lin, that...

Why is Bob Belcher?

They're not gonna ask questions like that.

Ever.

‭Why? No, yeah.

And you're waving a knife in my face, which is making me nervous, Lin.

You're rattled. Good.

That's the first honest thing you've said all day.

Ooh. Oh, I think I might be getting diarrhea.

Okay, too honest.

Oh... Panic poops.

Oh, my God.

I keep forgetting Gene clogged the employee toilet.

Yeah, he flushed all his old stuffed animals down there.

He's a big boy now.

Right. I know.

It's just... we should deal with it.

No. He isn't ready.

He visits 'em in there.

Oh, boy. I'll use the restaurant bathroom.

♪ ♪

Bob: Aah! Is there something on this toilet seat?!

Uh-oh, Dad!

You just got gooped!

‭Ugh.

It was supposed to be for Gene, but he didn't take his mid-morning bathroom break for some reason.

I'm on a cheese cleanse!

Physically and spiritually!

Louise, what exactly is this?

It's grease or something.

It was in a jar Teddy left in the basement.

(grunting quietly)

Um, is it possible it's glue?

I don't know. Why?

Because I'm stuck to the toilet!

Bob: (groaning) I can't get up.

Louise, you glued me to the toilet.

It was supposed to be slimy non-sticky goop, and it was supposed to be Gene!

The door's locked.

I know!

I can't reach it!

We need to get in there.

Oh, my God, Bob!

The guys from Coasters are coming!

Yes, Linda, I remember.

God, I hate this stupid toilet that Felix put in here!

It doesn't even have a seat.

It's Swiss.

It's like a really nice prison toilet.

Louise, what if a customer came in here?

They would have sued.

I'm your dad, and I want to sue you!

What about Teddy? Sue him.

Leaving his goop everywhere, just taunting me with it.

Classic goop suit.

Bob: Linda, call Teddy.

Yeah. Sue his ass!

No, Tina, we're not...

He'll know how to fix this.

Yeah. Call him to ask him to fix it.

(phone rings) Hello?

Teddy, Bob had panic poops because a magazine is coming, and then Louise put some stuff you left in our basement on the toilet seat.

It was something in a jar.

And Bob sat in it and he got stuck...

Oh, my God.

That's Teddy's Sticky Spackle!

Teddy's what?

‭Sticky Spackle!

I invented it!

It's stronger than superglue.

Well, how do you get it off?

You gotta use nail polish remover.

All right. I'll get the nail polish remover, but you gotta come down here as fast as you can and get this door open.

Listen, I-I would, but I just started a therapy session.

Dr. Marjorie says that I spend all my time fixing things for other people, so who fixes me?

Aw, screw it!

Bob needs me.

I'm coming as fast as I can, Linda!

(bell dinging) ‭Uh-oh.

We got customers.

Gene, put an out-of-order sign on the door.

On it.

‭Good.

Wait, what should it say?

"Out of order: Dad stuck on toilet."

Bob: No.

What about, "Out of order: toilet cursed with evil!"

Kids, just... stop drawing attention to the door.

Go help your mother.

(bell dinging)

Hi, Linda!

I'm ready to make Bob pretty.

I brought my scissors and my tweezers.

Oh, oh, hi, Gretchen!

(whispering): Gretchen's here, Bob.

She's gonna get you camera-ready.

Kids, go wait on the other customers.

Everything's gonna be okay.

(sighs)

Everything's gonna be okay.

♪ Bad stuff happens in the bathroom ♪ ♪ I'm just glad that it happens in a vacuum ♪ ♪ Can't let them see me with my pants down ♪ ♪ Coasters magazine is gonna be my big chance now ♪ ♪ But I'll be outta here in no time ♪ ♪ I'll be doing interviews and feelin' just fine ♪ ♪ Today is gonna be a great day ♪ ♪ I'll do Coasters magazine ♪ ♪ And blow everyone away ♪ ♪ Let's be clear ♪ ♪ I did absolutely nothing wrong ♪ ♪ I'm not to blame, it's not my fault ♪ ♪ This is just to say ♪ ♪ If Gene had pooped like every day ♪ ♪ This would have all just blown away ♪ ♪ But he'll be out of there in no time ♪ ♪ No one's gonna blame me, I'll be doing just fine ♪ ♪ Today is gonna be a great day ♪ ♪ If Teddy can't unstick my dad ♪ ♪ I'll find another way. ♪

Hey, where's Bob?

I want to tell him I can smell him from across the street.

Yeah, Linda, where is Bob?

I gotta do his hair for the big interview.

Interview?

What interview?

Bob's got a big magazine interview.

What, are they writing an article on guys with mustaches you want to punch?

Zoom! (chuckles)

I say "zoom" now.

You like it. ‭lt's okay.

♪ Bad stuff happens in the bathroom ♪ ♪ Let's be clear ♪ ♪ I did absolutely nothing wrong ♪ ♪ I'm just glad ♪ ♪ That it happens in a vacuum ♪ ♪ I'm not to blame, it's not my fault ♪ ♪ This is just to say ♪ ♪ Can't let them see me with my pants down ♪ ♪ If Gene had pooped like everyday ♪

‭♪ Coasters ‭magazine is gonna ♪ ♪ This would have all just blown away ♪ ♪ Be my big chance now ♪ ♪ But he'll be outta here ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'll be outta here ♪ ♪ In no time ♪ ‭♪ In no time ♪ ♪ I'll be doing interviews ♪ ♪ No one's gonna blame me ♪ ♪ And feelin' just fine ♪ ♪ I'll be doing just fine ♪ ♪ Today is gonna be ♪ ♪ Today is gonna be ♪ ♪ A great day ♪ ‭♪ A great day ♪ ♪ I'll do Coasters magazine ♪ ♪ If Teddy can't unstick my dad ♪ ♪ And blow everyone away. ♪ ♪ I'll find another way. ♪

(panting)

Is he breathing?

I rushed right over!

Something's going on with Bob?

No, no, no, it's just... um... the-the plumbing's messed up.

And, uh, Teddy's here to fix it.

Um, Teddy, where are your tools?

No time for tools, Linda!

Don't need 'em!

Bob: Teddy! What are you doing?

Don't worry, Bob.

That was just a warm-up.

I'm taking my shirt off now.

This is the real deal!

I'm loose. I got this.

Bob: Teddy, no!

(roars)

Oh, boy. ‭Okay. ‭Uh-oh.

‭Holy what the...

Hi, everyone.

Hi, Marshmallow.

Hey, baby.

‭Ha!

Bob's pooping in front of his customers.

Wrong, Jimmy!

He's not pooping.

He's glued to the toilet.

Bob's glued to the toilet?

Oh... People need to see this!

Jimmy!

Jimmy, where are you going?

Hey, everybody in the world!

Bob Belcher is stuck to the toilet!

Yeah! Yeah, you!

Hey, over there!

Come here!

Linda?

Bob?

‭Kill me.

Come on in, folks!

Come see the sad man stuck to the can!

(laughs)

It's hilarious.

(people chattering)

Gene, thanks for telling everyone I'm glued to a toilet.

I only told Jimmy Pesto.

Jimmy Pesto told everyone.

I did post it on social media, but people are cool there.

They won't blab it up.

Teddy, please tell me you can get me off this toilet.

Yes, I can.

We just have to apply and reapply nail polish remover to your legs and underbutt and, in a few hours... voilà! You're free.

A few hours?

That's the best you can do?

Teddy, the guys from Coasters are gonna be here before then!

We gotta hurry!

Jimmy: Hey, Bob, if this is the dumbest thing that's ever happened to you, flush once.

(Jimmy snickers) Oh, God, Lin.

Please close the restaurant.

Bob, maybe this is good.

When the guys from Coasters get here, all they're gonna see is a crowded restaurant.

"Oh, there's a bunch of people waiting in the street?

"What are they waiting for?

Must be Bob's Burgers!"

Wait, there's people in the street?

No. Okay, a few.

All right, a lot.

And a news truck. What?

But we're gonna get you off that toilet and ready for that interview.

Right, Teddy?

I'm brushin' like the wind, Linda.

Gretchen can come in here and do your hair.

No. ‭And I'm gonna go upstairs and pick out a nice shirt that shows off that... that you have shirts.

I don't have shirts.

Kids, guard the sheet door.

You got it, Mom.

No one gets through this sheet!

All right. And Gretchen, you're in, let's go!

Except Gretchen.

Hi, Bob. Lookin' good.

Oh, my God.

Oh, please.

Like I haven't done somebody's hair on a toilet before.

We're outside Bob's Burgers, where a local grill cook has gone from rush order to flush order.

He's glued to his restaurant's toilet.

I'm here with another local restaurateur.

What's your take on this?

This is the best day of my life.

Oh, uh, I hate Bob.

I should have started with that.

Are we live?

Come to Jimmy Pesto's.

Across the street.

It's delicious...

Same thing happened to me.

I was there for three weeks.

I didn't call for help.

I had self-respect.

I drank toilet water to stay alive.

You flush, you drink.

Anyone can do it.

Ed ‭TEST TEST.

Ey, I ‭TEST.

Nothing to see here.

Yeah, stand back, Lucy Lius.

Five-foot perimeter.

Hello, Belcher children.

I need to get inside with Charac so he can do a portrait of your father on the toilet.

We're going to print them, and we're going to make a fortune.

Oh, sure.

Come right in.

That sounds great.

Wrong!

Step off, big man.

(chuckling): I assure you, it will be tasteful.

No?

No, I'm hearing no.

(clears throat)

Uh, we're going to step away for a moment and have a little conference.

I'll be right back.

Aah! We're running out of time.

The magazine people will be here soon.

Shh!

Don't worry your pretty little bangs, all right?

I got this handled.

I made a call.

Not because it's my fault.

'Cause it's not.

Who'd you call?

The Po-Po?

That's what I call the Pope.

Blue, yellow. Blue, yellow.

I don't know. I don't know.

Lin, just pick one.

You've been doing this for 45 minutes.

You're distracting me.

Now I got to start over.

Blue, yellow.

Blue, yellow.

No, the yellow one goes better with the toilet.

Well, I'm not gonna be on the toilet, right Teddy?

How we doing?

Uh, doing good, Bob.

Doing real good.

(quietly): We're not doing good.

Teddy, I can hear you.

No, you can't.

The hair dryer's on.

(quietly): This is a disaster.

It's not working, Linda.

The hair dryer is off, Teddy.

I can hear every...

I can't hear you over the hair dryer, Bobby!

Teddy, it's off.

Turn off the hair dryer!

Oh, I might be getting a little weird from the fumes, Bob.

Are you getting a little weird from the fumes?

What's "Yappening?"

Dr. Yap's in the bathroom.

Yap? What are you doing here?

I called him, Dad.

He's a fixer.

He's gonna get you off of there.

Let's see what's going on down here.

(sighs)

Louise, why would you call him?

He's our dentist.

Which is a type of doctor, which is what you need.

And a doctor's a type of dentist.

That is not true.

And dentist comes from the word "Al dente," which means, "The dent."

Bob, I work with adhesives and solvents.

I'm exactly the guy you need right now.

There is a very special, harmless dental solvent that can quickly and painlessly break down the glue under your tushy.

Really? That's great.

One problem.

I do not currently have any, but what I could do is get the necessary certifications, put in an order, and have some delivered in the next two or three months.

So, should I just go ahead and do that?

I'm a notary, if that helps.

That's your plan?

I vouched for you, dentist.

(sighs) We're dead.

We're done.

You know, there is another option.

There he is.

There's my boy.

What is it?

What do you got, Yap?

In the dental game, you tie a string around a tooth, and yank it out.

Oh, my God.

Hear him out.

You are the tooth, we numb your butt with Novocain, and we yank you off the toilet.

Done. Dental day-um.

Perfect.

This was ringing so I answered it.

It's for Bob.

It's probably Hollywood.

(whispering): Tell them I want Bette Midler to play me.

Need Bette Midler to play me.

‭Hello?

Bob! It's Skip Marooch.

I'm on an all-terrain vehicle!

I can go on any terrain with this vehicle.

Uh, that's great.

Listen, you know the Coasters guys?

Yeah?

I'm calling because I thought they were sending Brian, the nice Hidden Gems guy.

Uh-huh.

Which would've been great, but I just found out they're sending this guy, Newton Fremont.

Okay.

And... let's just say he's a little tougher.

Like, you know, if he doesn't like you, you're not getting in the magazine.

But you'll be fine, it'll be fine.

Right.

Could we maybe reschedule with the nice guy for another day?

That would actually work for me, 'cause today's been, you know, busy.

No, Bob, they're on their way.

That was the whole thing.

They have to come today.

Look, I didn't mean to freak you out.

You'll be great with your face and your funny jokes.

Well, it's just I'm... I-I...

I'm stuck on a toilet.

(laughs) See? Like that.

So funny. Use that.

No, like I actually got glued to...

Bob, I got to call you back.

I guess water does not count as a terrain.

I'm sinking.

Bye.

Teddy, be honest with me.

How does it look?

(crying): It's just too much butt, Bob.

Okay. Too much hair all over your butt!

Teddy, stop.

All right, we're doing Yap's plan.

We order the solvent that takes three months?

That didn't sound like a good idea.

No, we tie a rope around me, and you all yank me off the toilet.

Yes!

I knew there was a reason we brought you into this project.

Ah-Yap-Yap-Yap-Yap-Yap!

(chuckles)

All right, let's numb that bum.

Well, the Novocain should be taking effect right about now.

You feel that?

Huh?

You feel that?

Gene, stop.

Okay, you ready Bob?

I think so.

Dad, I love you.

Thanks, Tina.

I love you too, Dad.

I love you for real.

Not like these posers.

Bobby, I love you!

You'll always be my husband.

I love you, Bob.

I'm not dying, I'm just getting my butt skin ripped off so I can be in a magazine.

Okay, on the count of three, we all pull Bob off the toilet.

Quick pro tip: When we start yanking, ignore the screams.

One...

Oh, my God.

Two, buckle my shoe.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

And three!

(all groaning and straining, Bob screaming)

(continues screaming)

It's not working!

It's not working!

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

It's got to work.

The guys from Coasters are gonna be here any second.

And... we're here.

The guys from Coasters.

Uh, his eyes are up here.

Doesn't anyone knock anymore?

Um, I don't knock on sheets 'cause they're soft, and they don't make a sound.

I'm Newton Fremont, this is my photographer Cory Battles.

I'm here to shoot you. Ha.

(chuckles) Nice one, Cory.

‭Thanks, Newt.

And you must be undiscovered gem Bob Belcher.

Uh, yeah, that's me.

I'd get up, but I'm, uh, stuck to a toilet.

Yeah. So we hear.

That's what the T-shirts say outside.

They're selling T-shirts?

Do you know if they carry youth large?

Gene.

Uh, I got a question: why are you stuck to a toilet?

Well, uh, it's a... kid's prank... gone very wrong.

It was supposed to be Gene.

Whoa. That's a-mazing.

On the day. Of your interview.

With Coasters.

This couldn't be worse.

I... I, uh...

Wait, are you taking pictures?

A.B.C.

Always be clicking.

But you aren't gonna use these in the article, right?

What? No. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, there's not gonna be any article.

(gasps) No!

But look at his hair.

Wait, don't look at the top.

You can still talk to him.

He's just on the toilet.

Yeah!

I do it all the time!

He doesn't expect privacy anymore.

We broke him.

Here's the deal.

We're doing a favor for Brian, who's doing a favor for Skip, so we barely care about this.

Plus, we like to profile people who are unique and inspiring.

You are unique.

You are not inspiring.

At all.

‭Yup.

Also, Coasters magazine is primarily read by people who are sitting on the toilet.

They do not want to read about another guy who is also sitting on the toilet.

Got it.

Plus, why haven't you just taken the seat off?

It doesn't have a seat.

‭lt's Swiss.

That makes me sick.

Hey, listen, this is just a crazy day.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's fine.

Actually, you know what?

This is perfect.

Lin, this isn't a crazy day.

This is a perfectly average day at Bob's Burgers.

This kind of stuff happens all the time, and I'm so glad you came by to take it in!

(laughs crazily)

Sorry we couldn't be "inspiring" for you!

I guess we just didn't have it in us.

So... good-bye!

You can leave!

Thanks for stopping in!

Great outburst, Bob.

Really great outburst.

(mournful music plays)

Excuse me.

Comin' through here, guys.

Par... excuse me.

Pardon us.

Pardon.

‭Heads up, guys.

Pardon.

Whoa, cool shirt, man.

What is that, marker?

Yeah. Permanent.

No! No! Wait! Wait!

Don't leave, I want to say something.

What my dad said is kind of true.

Yeah, stuff goes wrong all the time.

But this thing today... (sighs) you know... it was my fault.

And if I hadn't done this, my dad would be walking around here right now, inspiring the crap out of people.

He'd be making burgers... really good burgers.

Don't tell him I said that.

We try not to compliment him.

So, yeah, sorry, Dad.

This is all my fault.

Bob: What?

I said it's all my fault!

Bob: Oh. Okay.

Teddy: Everyone in here should be ashamed of themselves.

Standing around laughing at him.

You see a guy stuck on a toilet and a shocking amount of body hair.

I see a beautiful toilet man.

A toilet Bob.

(chanting): Toilet Bob! Toilet Bob!

Crowd (chanting): Toilet Bob!

Bob: No. No.

Toilet Bob!

Please don't chant that.

Teddy: No, it's in a good way.

Toilet Bob! Toilet Bob!

Come on, everybody!

Toilet Bob! Toilet Bob!

Bob: I don't like it.

How about just Bob?

(chanting continues)

Just coast on outta here, Coasters.

Toilet Bob!

Toilet Bob! Toilet Bob!

Toilet Bob! Ha, ha!

Toilet Bob!

(Bob screams)

Bob: It worked.

It finally worked!

(cheering)

Bob: I'm free! Yeah!

Whoa. Whoa. Pins and needles.

Can't feel my legs.

Oh, going down.

(cheering)

(bell dinging)

You guys want any of this stuff?

Y-You mean our mail?

Just asking, Bob.

Don't snap at me.

‭Look!

It's the latest issue of Coasters!

Linda, we're not in it... they were very clear they weren't gonna write about us, and I'm more than okay with that.

Oh, you're in it.

Oh, my God, we're in it.

What?

‭Read it, Dad, read it!

"Bob's Burgers is more than an undiscovered gem. It's truly a one-of-a-kind mom-and-pop shop. Celebrity chef Skip Marooch swears that Bob's serves the best burger he's ever eaten. We wouldn't know. We didn't try the food. But we did have a rather unique and strangely inspiring experience while we were there. This shabby little dive seems to hold a special spot in this dingy town's heart."

Do you think they mean "dinghy" town?

I don't think there's a...

No, that's not a thing... dinghy town.

Wow, that was kind of good.

Louise, I-I think you saved the day.

Yeah, well, you know, this is the last time I'm bailing you out, Dad.

Hey, they didn't even mention the toilet.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, keep reading.

"Also, Bob got stuck to the toilet." Oh.

Now turn the page.

Oh, there's a picture of me on the toilet in Coasters.

"We could tell you how that happened, but do yourself a favor, visit Bob's Burgers and ask him yourself.

Hopefully, he'll be back on his feet by then."

So... that's pretty good, overall.

Your hair looks good.

Hey! This is the place!

Yeah, this is it. Come on in.

We got business.

Kids, grab some menus.

Aah! ‭Aah! ‭Aah!

We got gooped!

Gotcha!

♪ Let's be clear ♪ ♪ Bad stuff happens in the bathroom ♪ ♪ I did absolutely nothing wrong ♪

‭♪ I'm just glad ♪ ♪ I'm not to blame, it's not my fault ♪ ♪ That it happens in a vacuum ♪ ♪ Let's just say ♪ ♪ Can't let them see me with my pants down ♪ ♪ If Gene had pooped like every day ♪

‭♪ Coasters magazine is gonna be ♪ ♪ This would have all just blown away ♪ ♪ My big chance now ♪ ♪ He'll be out of there in no time ♪ ♪ I'll be doing interviews ♪ ♪ No one's gonna blame me ♪ ♪ And feelin' just fine ♪ ♪ I'll be doing just fine ♪ ♪ Today is gonna be a great day ♪ ♪ I'll do Coasters magazine ♪ ♪ If Teddy can't unstick my dad ♪ ♪ And blow everyone away ♪ ♪ I'll find another way. ♪