Shirt Club

(The episode starts with Steven drawing the picture of "Guitar Dad" with a pencil, then making the final touches with a red marker.)

Steven: Pearl! *picks up picture* Amethyst! *walks down stairs* Garnet! —Wah! *sees that all the Gems were just downstairs on the couch*

Pearl: *reading a magazine* You don't have to yell, Steven, we're right here.

Steven: I know, but I just finished this drawing, and I wanted to show it to you.

Pearl: Oh! Uh... of course.

Steven: All right!— *jumps on Garnet's lap* —Hup! *shows the gems his flyer* Haha! "Guitar Dad teaches you guitar!"

Amethyst: What is that?

Steven: It's my dad. He's going to start teaching guitar lessons and he made me his P.R. Department.

Amethyst: *points at Greg's teeth in the flyer* What's that stuff in his mouth?

Steven: Those are his teeth...

Pearl: What are the lightning bolts for?

Steven: Ugh... well, ah... I was trying to show that Dad really rocks on the guitar, and...

Garnet: *points at the flyer* Then there should be rocks falling out of the guitar.

Steven: I hear what you're saying, but it's too late for notes... this is permanent marker.

[Transition to inside of the Big Donut]

Steven: *tapes a flyer at the board* Mmm-hmm!

Sadie: What's that cute flyer for, Steven?

Steven: It's for my dad, he'll teach you guitar, you guys wanna sign up? My dad's really good.

Sadie: Maybe I'll stop by and check it out.

Steven: Here, lemme give you a flyer— *door opens*

Buck: *waves hand*

Sadie: Welcome to the Big Donut.

Steven: Hey, Buck.

Lars: *surprised* Oh! W-what? *takes headphones off; making chicken movements with arms* Buck, Buck, Buuuuuuuuck! Haha! What's going on man? What can we get for you today?

Buck: *looks at the menu, then at the donuts* Can I get a caprese salad?

Sadie: Oh sorry, Buck. We only sell doughnuts—

Lars: *attempting to impress him* DOUGH-NUT worry, Buck! I'll whip ya up a salad, *thumbs up* no sweat! *sweating* I'll be right back. *runs toward the break room*

Sadie: Lars! We don't even have vegetables here! *runs after him*

Buck: *looks at Steven's flyer* Huh, what's a "guitar dad"?

Steven: Like my flyer? It's for my dad. *motions playing guitar* He'll teach you guitar! Here, take one of these with you. Actually, just wear it. *tapes flyer onto Buck's shirt*

Buck: *uncontrollable laughing*

Steven: Are you ticklish?

Buck: This would make a rad shirt, man.

Steven: Really?

Buck: Yeah, let's make your flyer into t-shirts.

Steven: Oh man, my dad would love that!

Buck: Gimme five on it.

Steven: *high five misses*

Buck: Oh, you missed.

[Trans. Int. Abandoned Warehouse]

Mayor Dewey: *lifts heavy box* Ho! I think it's swell that you're returning to the family business, son. *puts down box* Gonna help the old man get re-elected again, eh? *hugs Buck and pats his head* Aww, son!

Buck: *breaks free* Ugh! It's not for campaign stuff, dad. Steven and I are making art.

Steven: *gasps* Art!

Mayor Dewey: Art, huh? I don't understand that myself, but a boy's gotta have adventures and ambitions. *slaps Buck hard on the back which causes his visor to fall off* WOAH-HO-HO-HO!

Steven: *looks around* This stuff can be used to make t-shirts?

Mayor Dewey: Oh yeah, I've got all the latest, state of the art screen-printing equipment from years of campaigning. And other some such, mayorly things. Like this week, I'm commemorating: a bench! (He shows the boys a banner of "Bench City", which is just a banner that says "Welcome to Beach City" with the "A" in "Beach" changed to "N" with marker.)

Steven: *reads the banner* "Welcome to... Bench City"? Thrifty!

Buck: *moans* Dad, you can't use this. *points at banner*

Mayor Dewey: Why not? You know I "gotta get dat youth vote, boi"!

Buck: Dad, stop.

Steven: What's this? (He opens box to reveal flyers similar to Steven's that say: "Vote for My Dad" with a drawing of Buck and Mayor Dewey holding hands.)

Mayor Dewey: What have you got there? *reads the flyer* Aww... I haven't seen this in ''years. ''Remember when you drew this, Buck? You couldn't wait to show it to all your li'l Montessori friends.

Buck: *pushes Mayor Dewey out* 'Kay, dad. Thanks for your help, see ya later. Bye.

Mayor Dewey: Alright, kids. I mean... "peace in the Middle-East, Holmes"~

Steven: *picks up another one of Buck's flyers* So cool.

Buck: *quickly grabs and crumples the flyer* Let's just get started already.

(Buck and Steven make multiple copies of shirts with Steven's flyer printed on them.)

Buck: Swag.

Steven: Now everyone's gonna want lessons from Dad!

Buck: This is bigger than your dad, Steven. It's art. And it's gonna flood the public consciousness. (The t-shirts reflect in his sunglasses.)

Steven: *offers Buck a t-shirt* Let's start handing them out.

Buck: Too simple. We need to get controversy. We need to create—boom—a scene.

[Trans. Funland Arcade's Rooftop]

(Steven is looking for victims to shoot his t-shirts at through his binoculars as Buck readies the T-Shirt Cannon.)

Steven: Scanning for targets, T-Shirt Cannon loaded and ready. Beep, beep, beep-bibibibibi! *points at Sour Cream* Sour Cream sighted!

Sour Cream: Wom, wom. Wom, wom, wom.

Steven: Get ready... take aim.

Buck: *about to shoot* Aaand... *shoots*

Sour Cream: Wom, wom, wom-WOMP! *gets hit by the t-shirt and rubs head* What in the world? *picks up the t-shirt* Oh. This is the coolest thing that I've been hit in the head with!

Steven: Ronaldo spotted, take aim!

Buck: *fires another t-shirt*

Ronaldo: *the t-shirt knocks Ronaldo's hat off* WHOA! What the heck? *notices shirt* Whoa, weird! Some kind of extraterrestrial space dad guitar shirt? Sooo... you finally decided to make first contact, huh? WHERE ARE YOU?

Steven: Lars sighted, take aim!

Buck: *launches another shirt*

Lars: YEOWCH! What the—?! *picks up the t-shirt and reads it* What is this garbage? *looks up to see Buck and Steven* Buck made this?! *starts laughing* Oh-ohohoha, ahahaha, haha! This is hilarious! Thaaanks Buuuck.

[Trans. Int. Fish Stew Pizza ]

(Steven and Buck take a break and eat pizzas.)

Steven: Cheers! *bites pizza* Buck, this was such a good idea! I didn't know why we didn't collaborate on a project sooner. This'll make my dad so happy. I can't wait to see the look on his face when I stop by later.

Buck: *eating pizza* Yeah... should be good for a laugh.

Steven: Huh? *confused* Why would it be good for—

Jenny: *enters Fish Stew Pizza wearing the "Guitar Dad" T-shirt* Giiiirl, Check out my new shiiiiirt! *models the t-shirt*

Kiki: It's really cute. Where'd you get it?

Jenny: I dunno, it just landed in front of me when I was out walking.

Kiki: Look, If were you, I wouldn't wear some random shirt that just fell out of the sky. What if there were bugs in it?

Jenny: Re-lax! Who cares where it came from? This shirt is the funniest thing I've seen in my life!

Buck: Looks like that shirt has a really good buzz goin'.

Steven: Yeah, but... I think they think it's a joke.

Buck: Heh. You know the thing that's important? It's that they're talking about it. That's how real art works.

Steven: Oh. Well, I guess you're right.

[Trans. Ext. It's A Wash]

(Steven visits his Dad and sees Sour Cream taking a picture of Greg.)

Greg: Uh... how's this? *poses*

Sour Cream: Haha, so bad. *takes picture*

Greg: Okay, let's get started with the first lesson! Have a seat and grab a— (Sour Cream walks off.) Where ya goin'? Oh... I guess he's got an important text or something.

Steven: How's it been going today?

Greg: Really great! Lots of people's been coming by thanks to your t-shirts, little guy.

Steven: That's great, Dad. I'm really glad I can help...

Jenny: Yoohoo, Guitar Dad, I just wanted to say you're wonderful and hilarious! *drives off*

Greg: Uh... thank you? *confused* Huh, that's kinda strange.

Steven: What is?

Greg: Well, lots of people have stopped by, but no one's taking a lesson.

Steven: *surprised* What?! Really?!

Greg: Ah, maybe they're just checking out to see before they come back to get a REAL lesson. *plays guitar*

[Trans. Int. Abandoned Warehouse]

(Buck is printing more t-shirts.)

Steven: Buck!

Buck: Hey, *points at Steven* there's my main man.

Steven: The shirts aren't working, Buck!

Buck: Yeah they are, *picks up a t-shirt* people love' em.

Steven: But... nobody wants guitar lessons from my dad!

Buck: That's not the point.

Steven: *very confused* What? Then what is the point?

Buck: The point is, it's an amazing shirt.

Steven: *blushing* Aww, my drawing's not that good, ahaha.

Buck: Yeah, no. It's terrible.

Steven: What?!

Buck: That's what's so great about it. Your work is so naive. You really love your dad. It's funny.

Steven: Ah... I don't wanna make these shirts anymore.

Buck: Too bad, Steven, they're so current, they can't stop. I'm the taste maker, and I will keep making tastes... FOREVER.

Steven: "Forever"? *gets nervous*

Buck: Well, forever after until I improve my dad's lame bench commemoration... peace. *holds a peace sign above his head and walks away*

[Trans. Ext. Beach House]

(Steven rushes inside.)

Steven: GARNET! PEARL! AMETHYST!

(Surprised, the Gems stand up.)

Garnet: Steven.

Pearl: What is it?!

Amethyst: Whoa, where's the fire?!

Steven: It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more!

Pearl: Have the shirts come to life and possessed the bodies of their wearers?!

Steven: No! They just...

Amethyst: Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts?

Steven: No, no, they're just...

Pearl: *panicked while spewing saliva* Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City?!

Steven: No!!! They're... *sighs* they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with.

Pearl: Oh.

(The Gems sit down.)

Garnet: *adjusts visor* Then we'll pass.

Steven: What? But.... I really need your help...

Pearl: Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem.

Amethyst: It's not something we can punch. *punches her own palm*

Garnet: You MUST learn to help ''yourself. That's'' how you become stronger. *visor sparkles*

Amethyst: Good point, good point. *nods*

Pearl: Absolutely.

Steven: But—!

Amethyst: *starting to get annoyed* Figure something OUT, Steven!

Pearl: Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills?

Garnet: Let your problem be known, then you can make them understand the matter.

Steven: *thinks of an idea and says evilly* Oh I'll make them understand. *walks out* I'll make them ALL understand!

(The Gems are mildly surprised.)

Amethyst: Eh, he'll be fine.

[Trans. Beach City Boardwalk]

(Many people are gathered around Mayor Dewey.)

Mayor Dewey: Okay, is everyone here? *blushing* *coughs slightly* Hello! I was supposed to write a speech to uhm... *adjusts neck tie* Uh... commemorate this... uh... new bench! But what had happened was I ran out of printer ink in my printer, that I keep at home!

(Steven is hiding on the roof of the Funland Arcade and opens a guitar case with his T-Shirt Cannon inside.)

Steven: *aims at Mayor Dewey, whispering* Bye.

Bodyguard #1 : Look out! *drops sandwich and runs away*

Bodyguard #2: No! Aaaah! *runs away*

(The crowd goes wild and runs in several directions.)

Mayor Dewey: I've been... shirt.

(Buck notices everyone running and picks up a t-shirt, noticing that they have his drawings printed on them.)

(Steven backs away, smiling.)

Mayor Dewey: Huh... *picks up a shirt, feeling touched* Did you make this?

(Buck is speechless and sees Sour Cream and Jenny looking at the shirts.)

Jenny: Ahahaha! This is way funnier than "Guitar Dad"!

Lars: Ahahahahahaha, ohoho! *holds the t-shirt*

Mayor Dewey: *stops blushing and looks at the t-shirt* This bench is actually pretty comfortable.

(Buck sheds a tear.)

[Trans. It's A Wash]

Steven: Anyone else stop by for lessons today?

Greg: So far, no, but I'm sure it'll pick up tomorrow.

Steven: Yeah! Sure it will. *hands Greg a t-shirt* Oh, this is for you by the way. It's the last one so it's super limited edition.

Greg: Aw, sweet! Thanks, Steven.

(Steven smiles.)

Buck: *walks over to the two* Hey, Steven. Just wanted to say uh... I'm sorry for the way I acted, and... uh...

Steven: It's okay, Buck. You don't have to say any more than that.

Buck: *to Steven* You're a cool cat, Steven Universe. *to Greg* Hey, Mr. U.

Greg: You wanna take a picture with me or some junk?

Buck: No way man. I want a lesson... *shows them his shirt* from Guitar Dad!

[Star-shaped iris closes on Buck's Guitar Dad shirt, ending the episode]

[END]