Swap Meat

Narrator: It’s a night of culture at the elegant Garfunkel Gallery, where all of high society has gathered for an art auction!

Becky: So Violet, when do they auction off the famous glass statue that you wanted to show me?

Violet: It’s coming up next. (holds up a book) Here! Look! Isn’t it  magnificent ?

Becky: It’s beautiful! But-- uh-- what is it?

Violet: Well, it’s not really anything in particular. It’s just a shape. And it’s been lost for over 50 years!

Becky: Huh! And it suddenly just turned up now, at our town auction?

Violet: I know, we’re really lucky to get to see it in person!

Becky: I wonder what kind of art collector would want to sell something so  magnificent ?

Auctioneer: (clears throat) Ladies and Gentlemen, Horace Miles’ "Statue of Limitations"!

(Flashes go off as the crowd photographs the statue.)

Violet: Hmm, that’s strange.

Becky: What?

Violet: (chuckles) Oh, nothing. I’ve seen so many pictures of the statue, I guess it looks different in real life!

Auctioneer: We shall start the bidding at--

Ms. Champlain: (stands and holds up an auction paddle) Eleven dollars!

Auctioneer: (sighs) Two Hundred Thousand dollars.

Ms. Champlain: I hereby withdraw my bid!

Auctioneer: Very well. Do I hear two hundred thousand, two-two-two fifty, three-three…

(The Rich Old Lady and Edith von Hoosinghaus get into a bidding war )

Auctioneer: Four hundred thousand, five-fifty-five-fiffty-five-five, six hundred thousand, SOLD! (Edith wins the bidding.)

Edith: Mmm, thank you. (Walks to the stage)

Auctioneer: Our thanks to Miss von Hoosinghaus, and to our gracious seller, the Butcher!

Butcher: How ya doin’?

Becky: (gasps) What’s he doing here?

Auctioneer: I invite you all to return for tomorrow night’s auction, to see what other  magnificent  items the Butcher puts on the block.

Butcher: There’s a lot more where that came from, folks!

Becky: Since when does the Butcher collect art?! We’d better take a closer look!

(Scene: Later, in a warehouse. The Butcher is standing in front of a covered item, and WordGirl and Huggy are hiding in back behind some crates.)

WordGirl: What’s he doing? Okay, let’s just be patient. He’s bound to reveal his evil scheme at some point! All we have to do is stay hidden until he does!

(Huggy hiccups, then covers his mouth.)

WordGirl: Ugh… sssh!

(Huggy continues hiccupping)

Butcher: Hey! Who goes there?

WordGirl: Or, we could go with plan B. (Jumps out and lands in front of the crates.) Hold it right there, Butcher!

Butcher: WordGirl! What are you doing here?

WordGirl: I might ask YOU the same thing!

Butcher: Well, you might… but you might not get the chance! PASTRAMI ATTACK!

(They leap out of the way as he shoots pastrami at them. Then the pick up two crates and throw them at him. He uses another pastrami attack to slice up the crates before they can reach him.)

Butcher: Ha-ha-ha-ha! That’ll teach you not to try and steal from my art collection!

WordGirl: I’m not here to steal from you! I’m here to foil your evil scheme! Which was-- what is it?

Butcher: No, you got it all wrong, WordGirl! I don’t need crime now that I’ve learned to appreciate the beauty of art! Why, just look at all these long-lost works that I’ve collected! (removes the sheet from a series of objects, one at a time) The "Phone-a Lisa"… The "Venus De Flytrap"… and Mickey Angelo’s "Dave"! Aren’t they magnicifent?

WordGirl: I think you mean  magnificent , as in splendid in appearance or exceptionally beautiful!

Butcher: What did I say?

WordGirl: YOU were about to tell ME-- how you stole all these works of art?

Butcher: I was? But I didn’t!

WordGirl: Well, how else would a criminal like you get them?

Butcher: Yard sales?

WordGirl: Oh-- come on! You expect me to believe that you found all these priceless works of art at yard sales?

Butcher: Yeah! I also found this cool air hockey table!

WordGirl: Yeah, but--

Butcher: Look-- these works of art have been lost for many years. Right?

WordGirl: Yeah, but--

Butcher: And many years is a really long time, right?

WordGirl: Yeah, but--

Butcher: So, I wasn’t even born back then! There’s no way I could’ve stolen something before I was born!

WordGirl: Yeah, but--

Butcher: I don’t know-- looks like the only criminals here are you and fuzzy face over there!

WordGirl: Us??

Butcher: That’s right! You broke into my warehouse, and now you’re calling me a crook with no proof! Now get lost before I call the cops!

WordGirl: Ugh! All right. But we’ll be keeping an eye on you! Something about all this stinks!

Narrator: Meanwhile, back at WordGirl’s secret spaceship hideout…

(WordGirl is using her supercomputer to research the items that the Butcher showed her earlier)

WordGirl: Hmm. everything seems to check out! The "Phone-a Lisa", the "Venus de Flytrap", even the "Dave"-- they’ve all been missing for years! I’ve got to think about this! Maybe he’s making friends with all those rich art patrons so he can steal their wallets!

Narrator: That’s a  magnificent  theory!

WordGirl: Really?

Narrator: No, not really.

WordGirl: Just switch scenes already!

Narrator: Fine. (While they were talking, Huggy has been using clay to make a statue of WordGirl, in a thinking pose.) Say, that’s pretty good!

Narrator: While our heroes are getting creative, the city prepares for night two of the Garfunkel Gallery’s art auction.

Auctioneer: Tonight’s rare art piece is Pedro Pequeno’s Guy with a Goat, long thought to be lost forever! This piece is on auction thanks to the generosity of the Butcher!

Butcher: Hi again.

Violet:  Magnificent ! But--

Becky: What, what is it?

Violet: Oh, I don’t know-- does this picture look like that statue to you?

Becky: I guess, I mean-- there’s the guy, and there’s the goat.

Violet: But-- um, I don’t know. Something in the texture or the shading… something just doesn’t seem right.

Becky: It’s-- browner? Maybe it’s just old.

Auctioneer: Let us open the bidding. Do I hear--

Ms. Champlain: $19.95!

Auctioneer: Perhaps you would have better luck bidding on some of the items available in the vending machine?

(She sits down)

Auctioneer: Now-- do I hear-- THREE hundred thousand, three hundred thousand, four hundred thousand, four-- four-fifty-- five-five-five...

(The Rich Old Lady and Edith von Hoosinghaus again engage in a bidding war. Some time passes.)

Auctioneer: ... going once, going twice… SOLD for four point two million dollars and 94 cents! (Edith, obviously the loser, breaks her bidding paddle.)

(Violet again looks at the picture of the statue in the book.)

Violet: Something just doesn’t seem right!

(Becky looks at the picture, then back at the statue.)

Becky: (to Bob) That’s it! The Butcher is forging works of art! (Gets up and walks away, then transforms into WordGirl and goes onto the stage.)

Butcher: WordGirl!

WordGirl: Ladies and gentlemen, this statue is a  forgery ! (the crowd gasps, and a man faints)

Butcher: Why, thank you! I think it’s pretty forgerific myself!

WordGirl: No, it’s a  forgery ! That means it’s a fake, a copy designed to fool people into thinking it’s an original!

Auctioneer: WordGirl, this is a very serious claim! Do you have the real lost statue?

WordGirl: Uh, well, no!

Auctioneer: So, what is your proof that statue is a  forgery ?

WordGirl: Uh… the proof is, uh… (thinks about Violet’s words) The proof is that, uh, something just doesn’t seem right!

Auctioneer: Huh, can you be more specific?

WordGirl: Hm… it’s kind of… uh… browner!

Butcher: Ladies and gentlemen, this girl and her monkey have been following me around making up a lot of wild stories about me and my art collection! Can’t a butcher get any peace?

(A man in a trenchcoat comes onto the stage.)

Police Commissioner: Alright, I’m the police commissioner here. (Shows his badge)

Narrator: That’s a lucky break!

Police Commissioner: Not really. I just happen to love art. Now, what’s the problem here?

WordGirl:  Forged  artwork!

Butcher: Pesky Superhero!

Police Commissioner: WordGirl, if you don’t have any proof, I’m going to have to arrest for harassing the Butcher! (Holds up a pair of handcuffs, and the crowd gasps. The same man faints again.)

Butcher: Oh, that’s alright, Mr. Police Conditioner.

Police Commissioner: Commissioner!

Butcher: Well, no need to arrest WordGirl. All I ask is that she and her monkey friend be banned from this gallery-- especially tomorrow night, when I will be auctioning off the rarest and most valuable piece in my collection!

Police Commissioner: Do you hear that, WordGirl? You’re not going to set foot on these premises tomorrow night for any reason! If you do-- (Holds up the handcuffs again)

WordGirl: Ugh! Come on, Huggy. Let’s get out of here. (Once they are offstage) Don’t worry, we’ll catch the Butcher! All we have to do is get close enough to those art works to figure out what’s wrong with them! (angrily) Word Up!

Narrator: It’s night three of the Garfunkel Gallery’s art auction!

(Huggy walks in wearing a top hat, monocle and mustache, and a fine suit.)

Narrator: Ooh, there’s a fancy-pants billionaire art collector nobody’s ever met before! Gee, he sure does look familiar. Come to think of it, so does she! (WordGirl walks in disguised as a portrait. She puts her finger to his lips.) Noo? My mistake! Anyway, the bidding is about to begin!

Auctioneer: Tonight’s item is the most rare and precious in the Butcher’s collection. The long-lost abstract piece by the artist Jacelle Ginsberg, entitled "Complicated Smoosh". (The curtain goes up, revealing the piece. The crowd lets out a sigh of admiration.)

Man: Oooh! Smoosh!

Auctioneer: The bidding will start at--

(Rich Old Lady and Edith von Hoosinghaus hold up their bidding paddles, and Huggy jumps on top of them with his own paddle.)

Auctioneer: -- Five hundred thousand dollars! Do I hear five hundred? (Huggy holds up his paddle.) Thank you sir, do I hear five ten? Ho, 4.5 million! 4.6 million! 4.7 million! 4.8 million! 4.9! Five million! (The other ladies have been bidding with him, but they stop at this point. Huggy keeps his paddle up.) Five million! 5.1! 5.2! 5.3! 5.4! Do I hear 5.5? 5.4 million going once, going twice-- SOLD to the gentleman in the very dapper suit with the impressive paddle skills! Sir, please come forward!

(Huggy walks on stage.)

Auctioneer: Now, will that be cash, or-- cash?

(Huggy hands him a piece of paper)

Auctioneer: (reading) “Would you take an I.O.U?” No, sir, I’m afraid we cannot! Now, how do you wish to pay?

Butcher: Say, wait a minute! I know this guy! (Pulls off Huggy’s mustache) I thought so! It’s WordGirl’s friend, Captain Squishy Face! You’re not supposed to be here!

(WordGirl flies down onto the stage.)

WordGirl: And neither am I! We’re here to expose your evil plot! This statue is a  forgery !

(The audience doesn’t believe it, and starts grumbling.)

WordGirl: No, listen! I’m sure of it!

Butcher: I’m telling you, this statue is 100% real! With no artificial colors or preservatives!

WordGirl: What?

Butcher: What? Uh-- nothing!

WordGirl: Wait a minute--

Butcher: That’s it. Is that police convectioner here?

Police Commissioner: It’s commissioner! And yes, I am!

Butcher: I want these two arrested! (The commissioner comes onstage, waving the handcuffs.)

WordGirl: No, wait! It’s a fake! It’s-- browner! And lumpier than it should be! And--

(Huggy starts to smell a delicious aroma from the statue. He chatters something to WordGirl.)

WordGirl: And, it smells really good! (to Huggy) What?

Police Commissioner: Just come along quietly.

WordGirl: I got it! It IS a fake! Huggy, plan 568!

(Huggy jumps onto the statue and begins eating it.)

Man: He’s eating the smoosh! (faints)

WordGirl: I KNEW it! The Butcher HAS been forging these artworks! They’re all made out of meat!

(Everyone in the room gasps)

Police Commissioner: Alright, alright, hold everything. Sergeant Henderson--

Sergeant Henderson: Yes sir?

Police Commissioner: --get me a cracker!

(The sergeant shakes a cracker from a box onto his hand. The commissioner walks up to the statue and dips the cracker in it, then tastes it. He stands there for several seconds savoring it.)

Police Commissioner: That’s pure chopped liver! Boys, arrest the Butcher!

Butcher: But wait-- (Sergeant Henderson and Officer Jim apprehend him.)

Police Commissioner:  Magnificent  work, WordGirl! We never should have doubted you!

WordGirl: Captain Huggy Face’s stomach gets some of the credit, too!

Narrator: So, plan number 568 is for Captain Huggy Face to take a bite out of the statue made of meat?

WordGirl: First time we ever had to use it!

(Several audience members come onstage and eat off of the statue.)

Narrator: And so, WordGirl once again saves the day by exposing the biggest art  forgery  in the city’s history! Join us again next time for another  magnificent  episode of… WordGirl!