SilANT Night

[Music] Okay, Chyna, your turn to open your Secret Santa gift. [Giggles] Oh. Font-Tastic An Unabridged History of Typefaces in the Post-Gutenbergian Age, Volume 1. Thank you, Olive. Actually, it was from me. Olive gave it to me last year. Chyna, if you get me next year, I would really like that. What is this? Some kind of stink rock? That is my great-aunt Zuma's famous figgy pudding. I wonder who got it for you. Thanks for the stink rock, Mr. Billionaire! You're welcome. Well, I'm sure my Secret Santa gift is gonna be great. Because Paisley's my Secret Santa and I told her what to get me! What took you so long, Paisley? I don't pay you to dillydally! Uh, Lexi, Paisley works for Z-Tech, not for you. Weren't you listening? I just said I don't pay her. Neither does Mr. Grundy. He just gives me these funny little pieces of paper with his autograph on them. I'm saving them in a shoe box, because maybe when he's dead they'll be worth something! Anyway, this is the world's most powerful and advanced hair dryer. [Straining] The Dragon's Breath Pro Series Five! I wouldn't plug that in! We're already drawing a lot of power for the Christmas Tree! It'll be fine. [Grunts] [Hairdryer whirring] [Whirring stops] See? Seth: Woo-hoo! A teeny little menorah nightlight. [Power shutting down] Chyna: Oi vey. [Sighs] Ooh, ooh. Ooh. Doo, doo. Ooh, ooh. Ooh. Doo, doo. Woo! Everybody's got that thing. Something different, we all bring. Don't you let 'em, clip your wings. You got it! You got it! We're on fire and we blaze, in extraordinary ways. 365 days. We got it! We got it! You can dream it. You can be it. If you can feel it, you can believe it! Because I am, you are, we are Exceptional. Exceptional! Yeah, I am, you are, we are Exceptional. Exceptional! Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh. Woo! [Music] Mr. Grundy: Don't worry, everyone! The emergency backup system will kick in any second. What he said. Wow, Mr. Grundy, I didn't know you had a good-looking twin. I mean, a just as handsome, completely identical twin. Actually, one of us is a hologram. [Gasps] It's the other one. Wow! He looks so real. Ha-ha! That tickles! When the power went out, Z-Tech's emergency backup computer and security system kicked in. I control every system in the building, including lights [Electricity buzzing] Temperature [All shivering] And ambient music [To tune of jingle bells] Zero one, zero one, zero zero one Just tell him anything you need. Yes. I am a very good listener. Despite what my ex-girlfriend hologram says. [Elevator dings] Just one question. So you could make this hologram look like anyone you want, and you picked you? The most handsome man in the world? Thank you, Chyna. Uh, going back to the hologram girlfriend thing. How does one go about getting one of those, and can you make it look like anyone? - Phone: Whee! - Ooh, I got a text. So, I'm kind of like a super computer myself. - Really? - Mmm hmm. I have a 20 peta-flop x-17 processor. And can achieve over 270 computations per microsecond. [Beeping] I won the County spelling bee. I'm terribly sorry, but I have to leave. There's a z-mergency at one of my Z-stores! That ztinks. I'm afraid I have no choice. The Z-copter is picking me up on the roof in five minutes. But you're going to miss the rest of the holiday party. Seth was going to teach us how to use his dreidel. - Dreidel? - Dreidel. I made it out of clay. [Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel playing] Check it out, Paisley! I'm the Ice Princess in the Palo Alto holiday parade. I'm going to have my very own float! Is it going to be a root beer float? I love those! They keep me from drowning in my root beer! Paisley, focus! I'm going to be sitting next to the Ice Prince who, ironically, is hot. So I need you to get mistletoe to put above our thrones. But Mr. Grundy has me working on a very important project. What? I am this close to firing you from the job I don't pay you for. At Christmas? Just go! [Shrieks] Time for my gift! [Grunts] Oh. Sticks. It's a Hlautteinar. A bundle of twigs used in the ancient Saxon winter festival of Modraniht. There are more holidays in December than Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and National Sarcasm Day. Wow, Olive. That was so interesting. Thank you. Happy National Sarcasm Day to you, too. This is supposed to be Secret Santa, not secret sarcasm. Oh, I totally didn't know that! Who is this Santa you speak of? And what is his secret? You've never heard of him? Fat man? White beard? Red suit? Yeah, Santa Claus. A. K. A. St. Nick, A. K. A. Kris Kringle? Interesting. He has a lot of aliases. Yeah. He sees you when you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake He knows if you've been bad or good So he's got surveillance on you. On Christmas Eve, when everyone's sleeping, he travels the world with his flying reindeer! - Secretly entering every house and - [Alarm beeping] What the heck? I have initiated a security lock down, to protect the facility from the evil intruder [In low voice] Known as Santa Claus. No one goes in or out of the building until after Christmas! You can't do that! We're have to leave for vacation! We need to get home for the holidays! Yeah, because if we missed National Sarcasm Day it would be such a tragedy. I'm actually completely serious. It's my favorite holiday. [Music] Please, you have to let us go. You misunderstood what we said. Santa Claus is wonderful. There's nothing scary about him. Although I do usually cry when I sit on his lap at the Mall. His suit is really dirty and he smells like the bus station. I tried contacting my parents, but the Internet's down, cell phones are blocked, I can't get a signal. Sorry. Cutting off communication with the outside world is necessary to protect Z-Tech and everything in it from the horrible threat of Santa. Guys, quick! We need a plan, we have to get home to our families to trim the tree. And light the menorah, and do hard-to-pronounce, twig-based stuff. She's right. I mean, if I don't get home, who's going to make the bordstabelbakkels and kongelige pepperkakers? There must be some way out of here. - Yeah. - Yeah, study hard then graduate. Maybe I can override his security protocols and disable his program. I don't think that will work. His counter-intrusion measures are very sophisticated. [All scream] It's creepy having someone watch your every move. You get used to it. [Sighs] This door's locked, too? [Screams] Paisley! Go get help! Computer Zoltan locked me in here [Inaudible] I can't hear you! By the way, I couldn't find any mistletoe, but I did find a toe missile. Oops. There's got to be some way I can communicate with her. [Gasps] S-O-S. Now I see what you need. Sauce! S-O-S. Do you prefer apple sauce Spaghetti sauce Hollandaise sauce Bibbick sauce [Both grunt] Okay, so we just throw this cinder block off the roof, then climb down these bed sheets to freedom. Whose sheets have little pink unicorns all over them? It doesn't matter! - Okay, so where's Fletcher? - I'm here. Did you tie your sheets to the end of the chain? - Yep. - Okay. - And what did you tie them to? - What do you mean? [Crashing] Fletcher! Why are you guys upset? I'm out fifty cents. I had a tooth under the pillow. Tartar sauce [Inaudible] Tomato sauce [Sighs] Tomahto sauce. [Inaudible] Give it a rest! Show you the rest? I would, but I'm really tired from all this exersauce. Huh Well, that's convenient. Well, we've tried everything. I guess we're all stuck here for the holidays. This is the worst Tsagaan Sar, the Mongolian white moon festival honoring the village elders with the zolgokh greeting, ever! This is all your fault, Seth. You caused the blackout when you plugged in your menorah. Don't blame me. Somebody gave me that defective tchotchke. Who was my Secret Santa? It doesn't matter! Stop fighting! You're guys are making me feel - Homesick. - What? Every Christmas, my family gets together. And my dad always ends up arguing with his brothers, and Then Grandma Dottie will cry and say, boys, don't fight, this might be my last Christmas! And my mom will say, well, we should be so lucky, old woman! And then we have ham. I've never spent Christmas without my mom and dad and Cameron. We always sit around the piano and sing Christmas songs until it's time to go to the midnight service. Even though we get home really late, we always wake up super early on Christmas morning. When we were young it was to open presents but, now it's to spend as much time as we can together on Christmas. I'm going to miss all that. Plus my mom's pumpkin pie My bubbe's latkes Our Mongolian exchange student's yak butter. Come on, guys. I know we all miss our families, but we're a family. We can sit here and feel sorry for ourselves Or we can celebrate together and enjoy Christmas! And Hanukkah. And whatever Olive decides to babble about next. - Thank you! - [Chuckling] You guys are even better than my family! They just tell me to sit down and stop talking. You haven't opened my card yet. Thanks for getting me back in time to surprise the Ants, Pete! And enjoy that figgy pudding! Oh no. It's Santa Claus! Ugh, he does smell like a bus station. Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la la la la la! 'Tis the season to be jolly. Fa la la la la la la la la! [Rapping] Dipped in red and white saying ho, ho, ho. Santa's in the chimney, not the door-door-door. Sent a letter of the gifts that I'd like to acquire. Got reindeer on my roof, and the roof is on fire! Holly! [Alarm blaring] Great. You set off the bad rap alarm. Attention, everyone! This is not a drill! Santa Claus has come to town. He has? Wait a second. You're working with him! You're an Elf! What? No! He's not an Elf. Elves are short and wear green hats and pointy shoes with bells on them Uh-oh. Why are you covering for him? You must all be Elves! You're all part of Santa's diabolical conspiracy! No, we're not! He's the only Elf! Do what you want with him! Security breach! - You all must be - Set free? [Low voice] Crushed by the walls of death! [All screaming] What the heck? They're closing in! They're gonna crush us! When did they install walls of death? I have been asking for a ping-pong table for three months! [Music] Mr. Hologram, Sir, I know you have this super computer brain, but you've made a terrible mistake! You don't understand the true meaning of Christmas! Sure I do. Christmas is about the heinous arctic ice-demon, Santa Claus, using false pretenses to infiltrate and invade a secure facility. Oh! No. No. You've got it all wrong. That's not what Christmas is about at all. Christmas is about presents! Lots and lots of presents! No, it's not! You're both wrong. The true meaning of Christmas is Well, we've got these costumes. Why don't we show you with a holiday pageant? Chyna, is this just an excuse to sing one more time before we die? It doesn't matter! Great. I'm going to miss the parade. [Banging] I don't think your head is hard enough. You should use mine. [Screams] Where did you come from? A second ago you were out there! [Screams] Lexi, you seem upset. Cheer up! It's the Hollandaise season! Holy infant so tender and mild. Holy infant so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace. Silent night. Silent night. Holy night. Holy night. Shepherds quake. Shepherds quake. Hey! The death walls are closing in! Do you think we could skip a few verses? Okay, okay. Who hath come to visit me and my newborn son? 'Tis us. The three wise men. Why am I playing a wise man? Your name is Weisman. Seth Weisman! Good point. Have some myrrh. [Bleating] Hanukkah, oh, Hanukkah! Come light the menorah. Let's have a party. We'll all dance the horah. Gimmel! I win! [Chuckling] Can I get a Mazel Tov? Velkommen! I am Julesvenn, the Norwegian gift-bringer. Here with lucky stalks of barley for all! What are you doing? At least our performance made frankincense. [Laughs] Get it, frankin-sense? I wish they made faster death walls. - Why won't you open? - [Shattering] [Squeaking] Oops. Ah. Maybe I can pry off this panel with my zPhone and get in! [Beeping] I need something harder. [Sighing] Something indestructible. Ah! Of course! A figgy pudding! [Bangs] Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace. And so at Christmas, they celebrated the savior's birth. And at Hanukkah, the menorah burned bright for eight nights. And at Wilde Jagd, Danish King Valdemar Atterdag, led the phantasmal hunters across the Nordic sky. And we're all going to die! Stop! It worked! He's stopping the death walls! No, I mean stop this ridiculous play! I'll restart the death walls in a moment. [All groaning] But first come on! How do you know a star appeared when Jesus was born? Or that the menorah oil burned for eight nights? Or that Joulupukki, the yule goat, pulled the thunder God, Thor, across the sky, that he might delight the villagers of Foteviken with song? [Panting] We don't know. We just choose to believe. But that's illogical. It's not about logic. It's about faith. But belief is based on hard facts, empirical evidence. Faith is believing even when there is no evidence! But I need evidence. Does not compute! Does not compute! Does not comp [Gasps] We're alive! [Chuckling] The lock down's over! The roomavator's working! Woo! We can go home for Christmas! And Hanukkah. Et cetera. Can you believe the computer thought that Santa Claus was some evil deranged menace trying to break into the building? [All chuckling] - [Crashing] - [All screaming] [Chuckles] I'm in! - Get him! - [Grunting] Break into our house? I'll go Little Drummer Boy on you! Wait, wait! - This is Mr. Grundy! - Yeah. I know and look at these presents. They're all broken! Get him! Great. I missed the parade! Now I won't get to be in one until the Sarcasm Day Parade! Like that's going to be so much fun! [Sighing] Anyway, let's go home, Paisley. [Gasping] - You're a hologram? - Yeah! That's the very important project Mr. Grundy had me working on. I'm made of science! That explains how you got in and out of the building. But that doesn't explain why you're dressed like the Ice Princess's less pretty sister. I was in town trying to find mistletoe for you when a parade went by. They said this obnoxious girl who begged to be Ice Princess hadn't shown up, and asked me to fill in. Next thing you know, I'm on the lap of a handsome Ice Prince. And then a Christmas miracle happened. A toe missile flew over the parade. You kissed my Ice Prince? - [Yells] - [Screaming] Sauce! Sauce!