Kid Stuff


 * (The episode starts with the D.O.O.M. Mobile charging down street, beeping its horn; it crashes into a parked car: [causing the latter's alarm to go off] causing it to suddenly halt  and the banner and spikes attached to it to fall off [revealing it to be a bus]; the doors open and Snaptrap emerges)


 * Snaptrap: (jumps out enthused) "This is gonna be the crime of the century!"


 * Ollie: (follows him out of bus, along with rest of D.O.O.M.) "Oh, are robbing that armored truck?" (points at truck)


 * (armored truck doors open; turtle guard walks off and whistles, leaving a stack of gleaming gold bars and piles of cash unattended; bars and wads of cash fall out of the truck)


 * Snaptrap: (walks over and eases cash and bars back into truck) "No, we're robbing that toy store." (points to toy store; enthusiastic) "I need another sugar bowl, for my pretty princess tea set!" (sips tea from a cup)


 * (Larry, Ollie and Francisco give him blank looks)


 * Snaptrap: (sheepish; flexes arms) "I need money for man things."


 * (scene cuts to the store's cashier, who watches a toy train as it chugs along inside the building; Snaptrap breaks in through the front door and blasts the ball pit away)


 * Snaptrap: (atop of ball pit stand, brandishing a blaster) "Freeze! And hand over all your toys!" (pulls out sack; Ollie, Francisco and Larry appear with sacks)


 * Horse Cashier: (slight Southern accent) "Now which do you want me to do? Freeze, or hand over the toys?


 * Snaptrap: "Okay, that's a really good question. I can see where that might have confused you. Now give me your toys-" (points blaster at cashier) "-or perish!"


 * (someone throws a teddy bear at Snaptrap, catching his attention)


 * Kitty: (off-frame) "Stop it!"


 * (frame cuts to Dudley and Kitty, who have come to apprehend Snaptrap and are training their blasters onto him)


 * Dudley: "Freeze Snaptrap! Drop your weapons!" (aims blaster)


 * Snaptrap: "Which do you want me to do? Freeze, or drop my weapons?"


 * Dudley: (taken aback) "That's a really good question. Kitty?"


 * Kitty: (annoyed; aiming blaster) "Just blast him!"


 * (kids come rushing from front door, cheering; Dudley is about to fire his blaster at Snaptrap, Kitty quickly stops him)


 * Kitty: (holds Dudley's arm down) "Hold it, Dudley! There are kids here, and you know TUFF Rule 8-57..."


 * Dudley: (adamant) "Of course I know T.U.F.F. Rule 8-57.. everything I believe in is based on TUFF Rule 8-57!"


 * Kitty: (very unamused) "You have no idea what it is do you?"


 * Dudley: "Not a clue."


 * Kitty: "It says we can't fight bad guys in the presence of children!" (points to children roaming around)


 * Dudley: (grabs bunny kid by the ears and makes fist) "Can we fight children in the presence of bad guys?" (bunny kid tries to break free) "No wait, why would we do that?"


 * Snaptrap: "Oooooh, so let me get this straight: as long as there are kids around-" (shields himself with kids) "-you can't stop me from stealing this Happy-Bake oven-" (holds toy oven)


 * (scene quickly cuts to Snaptrap kicking a kid off his tricycle)


 * Snaptrap: "-and these super-cool getaway trucks." (gets on trike)


 * (frame cuts to Ollie dropping a Princess Pretty tea set into his sack)


 * Snaptrap: (on trike) "Saddle up fellas. Tonight we ride!"


 * (Snaptrap and co. ride out of the toy store on tricycle, sacks in hand; they place a wall of kids around Kitty and Dudley, rendering them helpless)


 * Dudley: (runs towards door) "C'mon Kitty, once they're outside they're fair game!"


 * Snaptrap: (pops behind entrance) "Hey kids, the dog and cat have candy!" (points)


 * (kids start cheering and leap at Kitty and Dudley in a mob, burying the two as they try and pursue Snaptrap; Dudley emerges from the crowd, holding Kitty upside down and shaking her)


 * Kitty: (annoyed) "What are you doing?!"


 * Dudley: "Well, he said you had candy!"


 * (T.U.F.F. transition to D.O.O.M. holding a tea party at their lair; Snaptrap, Larry, Ollie and Francisco are gathered around a table with teapots and teacups; they are all wearing bonnets)


 * Snaptrap: (grabbing sugarcubes from pot) "One lump or two Larry?"


 * Larry: "Two!" (eagerly holds teacup out)


 * (Snaptrap hammers him in the head with a wooden mallet, twice; two lumps appear on his head)


 * Snaptrap: "You walked right into that one, Larry." (chucks mallet and bonnet away) "Anywho, we've discovered T.U.F.F.'s greatest weakness. As long as kids are around, we're free to commit the most super-evil crimes imaginable." (oven timer rings, Snaptrap reacts excitedly; he checks his toy oven as the door opens open) "Oooh my happy cake's ready! Francisco, hand me a frosting packet." (motions to Francisco)


 * Francisco: (grabs frosting packet from table and hands it to Snaptrap, who squirts skull-shaped decoration onto it) "Ooh, so all we have to do is plan a robbery and host a kid-friendly event at the same time!"


 * Snaptrap: "Exactly! Tomorrow morning at 9 am, we're gonna stage a combination-" (slips ski mask on) "-jewelery heist and puppet show." (holds out sock puppet)


 * Larry: (sitting in front of TV set; Quacky the Duck titlecard is on) "But that's when Quacky the Duck is on! Every kid in Petropolis will be home watching it."


 * Snaptrap: (blasts TV) "I hate that show! It teaches kids about.. shaaaring. Why not teach them something useful... like blackmail and internet fraud?"


 * Ollie: (pouring tea into cup) "Well since Quaky's on at nine, perhaps we should schedule our jewelery heist at ten." (reads Pride and Prejudice while sipping tea)


 * Snaptrap: "Okay, just remind me when that is. I missed the Quacky episode when they taught how to tell time."


 * (T.U.F.F. transition to T.U.F.F. headquarters; the time is 9:30, on TV the Quacky Show is concluding)


 * Quacky the Duck: (on TV; waving goodbye) "See you tomorrow, boys and girls. And remember what the Sharing Moose says.."


 * Sharing Moose: (points finger at camera) "Never rat out a friend to the cops!"


 * Quacky: "Not that you psycho."


 * Sharing Moose: (embarrassed face) "Oh, right." (serious face) "Don't forget to share."


 * Quacky: "Thank you Sharing Moose.. and by the way, that bracelet on your ankle is beeping." (ankle monitor reading "JAIL" is on the Sharing Moose's ankle) "Until next time kids, have a quacky day!"


 * Sharing Moose: (butts in; points finger) "And try not to commit internet fraud... it's bad."


 * Quacky: (embarrassed) "Quack quack!" (show fades to tile card)


 * (frame cuts to Kitty, Keswick and Dudley, watching TV with their Quacky hats on)


 * Dudley: (holding remote; shuts TV off and arises) "Wow! That was classic Quacky." (sheds tears of joy) "I have never been prouder to be president of his fan club." (points to Quacky Club President lapel badge on his chest)


 * (Kitty, Dudley and Keswick walk around and start quacking; after a while, The Chief bounces in through a tiny door)


 * The Chief: "Eeh! I can't believe you people!"


 * (Kitty, Keswick and Dudley are motionless; The Chief hops to the front)


 * The Chief: "Why didn't you tell me Quacky was on?" (puts Quacky hat on and smiles)


 * Kitty: "Chief, you know he's on every day at nine."


 * The Chief: "Yeah, but I missed the episode where Quacky taught us how to tell time!" (points to wristwatch)


 * (quick cut, The Chief jumps up to computer desk and presses a key to bring up intel on the monitor)


 * The Chief: "Anyway, I just received intel that Snaptrap's about to rob a jewelery store!"


 * Kitty: (takes off Quacky hat) "We're on it Chief."


 * The Chief: "Don't let Snaptrap get away again. Oh, and uh.. be back by five so you can tell me when it's time to go home."


 *  (T.U.F.F. transition to jewelery store; alarm bell rings; Ollie is stealing necklaces from their cases and hiding them away in a sack) 


 * Dudley: (to Ollie) "Hold it right there!" (he and Kitty lower themselves down a zip line) "You guys aren't getting away this time!" (cocks blaster)


 * Snaptrap: (off-frame) "Think again Agent Puppy!


 * (Dudley, Kitty and Ollie shift their eyes to Snaptrap, who is off-screen; frame cuts to him behind his puppet stand: its sign reads "Snaptrap Theatre; a small crowd of kids are seated on the floor, eagerly awaiting his presentaiton)


 * Snaptrap: "You're just in time for the grand finale, of Snaptrap's Puppet Theater!" (gestures with his arms; kids cheer)


 * Kitty: (worried) "Oh no, kids!"


 * Dudley: "Oh boy, puppets!" (jumps into front of the crowd and takes his seat; gleefully grins at the children next to him, who smile back)


 * Snaptrap: (presenting with sock puppets of Dudley and Kitty; slightly scornful) "..And then, the stupid dog.. and stupid cat, we're dropped into the shark tank (drops puppets into a painted bowl labelled "Sharktank", with shark fin puppets inside) and torn limb from limb!"


 * (Snaptrap ducks behind the puppet stand and makes fake struggle noises while squirting a bottle of ketchup in imitation of blood. Shortly afterwards, he stands up and continues squirting ketchup all around while laughing maniacally - in response, the kids continue to cheer)


 * Snaptrap: (continues presenting; pulls out a sock puppet of himself) "And so the super smart and handsome rat became king of the world!" (places miniature crown on puppet's head) "And finally got to move out of his mom's house.. no, wait.. he just kicked his mom out! (Snaptrap puppet headbutts the curly, red-haired dinosaur figure of his mom) "The end!"


 * (closes curtain as kids continue to cheer; Snaptrap emerages behind puppet stand)


 * Snaptrap: "Hey kids, the cat and dog want you to eat all your vegetables!"


 * (crowd of children gasp in horror, and then start beating Kitty and Dudley up into a cloud of violence; with the agents distracted, Snaptrap and his cronies cycle out of the jewellery store, with their sacks of loot; Dudley emerges from cloud, shaking Kitty while holding her upside down)


 * Kitty: (annoyed; being shaken) "Dudley, what are you doing?!"


 * Dudley: "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME EAT MY VEGETABLES!"


 * (T.U.F.F. transition to Kitty and Dudley cruising through the streets in the TUFF Mobile)


 * Kitty: (angry) "I can't believe Snaptrap got away with that!"


 * Dudley: (folding arms) "Yeah, that was the worst puppet show ever!"


 * Keswick: (via monitor on dashboard; twitches) "Attention T.U.F.F. agents. Snaptrap has just r-rah-rah-robbed a bank, and has retreated to his evil lair."


 * Kitty: (determined) "Great, there are no kids there! We can totally nab him."


 * (T.U.F.F. Mobile thrusts its rockets, causing it to drive even faster while leaving a trail of fire and smoke behind it)


 * (T.U.F.F. transition to Kitty and Dudley driving into D.O.O.M. lair; the T.U.F.F. Mobile comes to a halt and the agents somersault out with blasters in hand)


 * Kitty: (trains blaster) "Freeze Snaptrap!"


 * (scene zooms out to show an atmosphere unusual for the D.O.O.M. lair: a party is being thrown and kids are running around)


 * Snaptrap: (blows a party horn) "Hey! Agents Puppy and Katswell, you're just in time for Larry's birthday party."


 * (a blindfolded rabbit boy pins the tail on Larry, who is tied up and has other tails pinned all over his face; he screams; cut to Snaptrap talking to rabbit boy, who lifts his blindfold)


 * Snaptrap: "Congratulations Johnny! You won "Pin the Tail on Larry". You get the prize! (hands the ecstatic boy a bag of money; then whispers obnoxiously) "Better launder that.. those bills are marked."


 * Kitty: (disappointed) "C'mon Dudley let's go.. he did it to us again." (trots off angrily)


 * Snaptrap: "Relaaax. Here, have some cake." (throws a dynamite stick-decorated cake to Dudley)


 * Dudley: "NO, I love cake!" (catches cake.. then realizes it's about to blow; screams and then desperately blows; Kitty's face is mortified)


 * Snaptrap: (puts hard hats onto kids' heads) "Okay kids, duck and cover!"


 * (cake blows up, producing a massive explosion which burns the two agents and sends them flying up into the sky; scene cuts back to D.O.O.M. lair, where kids are watching the agents fly out of view)


 * Snaptrap: "Now it's time to break open the piñata!... Which is also Larry." (pulls rope and hoists Larry into the air via a pulley; kids continue to shout in celebration and try to hit Larry with baseball bats as he struggles to dodge them)


 *  (candy is used in a wipe transition to T.U.F.F. headquarters, Dudley and Kitty are sitting in the aftermath of their failure; Dudley gobbles the smoldering remains of his cake in one go while Keswick watches) 


 * Dudley: (burnt; smoke emanating from his mouth) "Man I love cake."


 * Kitty: (burnt) "T.U.F.F. Rule 8-57 is killing us!" (straightens out frizzy, burnt hair) "If we don't find a way to keep kids away from Snaptrap, he's going to plunge this city into total chaos!


 * Dudley and Keswick: (raising their arms) "Yaaaay!"


 * Kitty: (unamused) "You're cheering for total chaos."


 * Dudley: "No, Quacky the Duck is on!" (Quacky title screen on TV; Dudley puts on his Quacky hat) "Quackateers assemble!"


 * (Keswick, Dudley and Kitty are excitedly huddled in front of the TV, with their Quacky hats on)


 * The Chief: (busts open his office door, wearing his pajamas) "Quacky's on?! I thought it was 11:30 at night! Ohh man, I really have to learn this time thing.'


 * Dudley: (thinking) "Wait a minute.."


 * The Chief: (puzzled) "A minute? That's like.... forty seconds, right?"


 * Dudley: "I've got an idea." (smiles) "Every kid in Petropolis loves Quacky, right? All we have to do is get him to appear at a scene of a crime.. and lure (makes hand gestures) all the kids away from Snaptrap!"


 * Keswick: "How are you gonna convince a big time d-duh-duh-duck celebrity like Quacky to do that?


 * Dudley: "Simple. I'm president of his fan club. He can't say no to me." (points at his lapel badge)


 * (sudden Gilligan cut to Dudley in the front passenger seat of the T.U.F.F. Mobile, looking battered; he is wearing orthodontic headgear and his right arm is set in a cast)


 * Keswick: "I can't believe he said no to you!"


 * Dudley: (missing teeth; emotional) "He didn't just say no.... he had his bodyguards throw me down a flight of stairs!"


 * Kitty: (at the wheel; empathetic) "Yeaaah.. and the Sharing Moose hit you with a rock."


 * Dudley: (cries) "Well maybe he was sharing it?!"


 * Kitty: (empathetic) "Oh, it's okay Dudley.. We don't need Quacky anyway." (whispers) "Keswick, can you do a Quacky impersonation?"


 * Keswick: "Sure." (clears throat and talks to Dudley) "Stupid dog! Get out of my office or I'll have my bodyguards throw you down the stairs." (Dudley tears up and whimpers)


 * The Chief: (beep; appears via monitor on dashboard) "Attention agents! I've just received intel that Snaptrap is staging a combination nuclear missile heist and face-painting party! There's not a second to lose! Wait, a second is like... three months, right?


 * (T.U.F.F. transition to warehouse in the Petropolis Military Base; radioactive hazard trefoil appears on wall; scene zooms out to show an arsenal of nuclear "missiles" [which strongly resemble bombs]; Francisco is carting away a bomb with his tricycle)


 * (view pans downwards to show Larry, Ollie and Snaptrap facepainting with a kid, each)


 * Snaptrap: (girl paints skull onto his pace) "Man, I am loving kids. Maybe I should shake down the store to give you one of my own! (a loud rumble; Snaptrap cowers behind the girl he is holding in the air)


 * (Dudley and Kitty break warehouse wall down with a tank)


 * Dudley: (on tank; points) "You're going down Snaptrap!"


 * Snaptrap: "I don't think so." (raises arms with kids sitting on them) "Remember T.U.F.F. Rule 8-57?"


 * Dudley: (whispers to Kitty, who is also on tank) "That's the one about the kids, right?"


 * Kitty: "Snaptrap, you may be having a face-painting, but we have something kids like even more!


 * Snaptrap: "Is it a bounce house? I was gonna get one of those too, but they declined the credit card I stole from the old lady at the mall." (pulls out stolen credit card from a pink purse)


 * Kitty: (jumps off tank) "Hey kids, say hello to Quacky the Duck!"


 * Keswick (as Quacky): (wearing a costume; wave) "Hi boys and girls! It is I, Quacky the d-Duck.. and my sidekick the Sharing Moose-" (holds out The Chief, who is wearing a Sharing Moose costume) "-who shrank.. in the wash."


 * (kids abandon Snaptrap and start cheering for Quacky; a panicky Keswick and The Chief try to flee)


 * Snaptrap: (shocked) "Wow. How did you get Quacky the Duck? When I tried-" (points to contorted back) "-his bodyguards threw me down a flight of stairs."


 * Larry: "Yeah, and then the Sharing Moose threw a rock at you."


 * Snaptrap: (about to cry) "Maybe he was  sharing, Larry?!"


 * (Dudley and Kitty grin, and point their blasters)


 * Dudley: "You're under arrest, Snaptrap!"


 * (D.O.O.M. is cornered; in desperation, Snaptrap activates the nuclear bomb by hitting the red button; he runs away as the time starts)


 * Snaptrap: "Boys, let's ride!" (Snaptrap, Francisco, Larry and Ollie flee on their toy tricycles; Kitty and Dudley watch in horror)


 * Kitty: "Oh no, Dudley! This bomb's gonna go off in thirty seconds. If we can't stop it, Petropolis is doomed!"


 * Dudley: (puts on Quacky hat) "Don't worry Kitty, I watched the Quacky episode where they taught you how to defuse a nuclear missile!" (opens panel on bomb to reveal wiring)


 * Kitty: "They actually taught that on the show?"


 * Dudley: "Yeah, right after the Arts and Crafts Badger showed how to make macaroni windchimes." (holds out macaroni windchimes) "Let's see, how did it go again?"


 * Kitty: (nervous) "The windchime song?" (clock ticks down to twenty-four seconds) "Um.. um-" (sings) "-if you've got some macaroni and some string, you can do almost  anything !"


 * Dudley: "Not the windchime song, the defusing-a-nuclear-missile song!" (clock counts down to ten seconds; Dudley sings and cuts wire in sync) "Cut the blue wire, not the brown; or you'll blow up, the whole darn town-"


 * (Kitty anxiously bites her claws; clock counts down to six seconds)


 * Dudley: (sings) "Cut the red wire, make your mom proud or you'll end up-"
 * (KItty bites some of the fur off her fingers)
 * Dudley: (singing) "-in a MUSHROOM CLOUD!"
 * (timer ticks down.. two..one; Kitty shields her head in fear)
 * (timer freezes at one; Dudley shuts the panel)
 * Kitty: (relieved) "YOU DID IT DUDLEY!" (hugs him tightly)
 * Dudley: "Don't thank me, thank the Bomb Defusing Platypus." (holds out poster of platypus; jumps into tank hatch) "Now let's get Snaptrap!"
 * Kitty: "We can just walk.. his tricycle's stuck in a mud puddle."
 * (cut to D.O.O.M. on their tricycles, who are struggling to peddle over the mud)
 * Snaptrap: (desperate) "Larry, give me a push.. or perish!"
 * (net is launched at Snaptrap, Ollie, Fransisco and Larry, entangling them; Dudley and Kitty stand over the captured villains, successful)
 * Snaptrap: (in net) "I will now plot my revenge! And I'm warning you, there will be pony rides.."
 * (T.U.F.F. transition to T.U.F.F. headquarters lobby at night; lights are being shut off and Dudley, Kitty and Keswick are about to head home)
 * Kitty: "Well, good night guys. It's been another successful day of fighting crime."
 * (The Chief walks through doors; dressed for his morning commute)
 * The Chief: "Morning everyone! Tammy, get me a cup of coffee!" (flings hat and briefcase at Tammy's empty desk)
 * Dudley: "Chief, it's seven at at night." (points at clock) "Tammy left an hour ago."
 * The Chief: (examines wristwatch) "An hour? Oh, if it's daylight savings time.. that's four hundred-and-eight minutes!"
 * Dudley: (puts on Quacky costume) "I'll handle this one guys. Hey Quackateers! Who's ready to tell time?"
 * (kids come storming through T.U.F.F.'s doors, mobbing Dudley; they pull and tug at every nook and cranny of his face)
 * Dudley: "''Now I know why Quacky has bodyguards!"
 * (EPISODE PROPER ENDS VIA IRIS WIPE; QUACKY APPEARS)
 * Quacky: "And remember kids, don't commit internet fraud!"  (parody of the FBI copyright infringement warning appears on screen) 
 * Sharing Moose: "And don't leave town without telling your parole officer. THE MAN WILL HUNT YOU DOWN!"
 * (ENDING GAG WITH KITTY AND DUDLEY POSING OVER A "THE END" TITLE CARD)