A Tale of Two Houses

Zack: So, Abby, what do you think? Mmm. The strawberry smoothie is delicious. You, uh You got a smoothiestache. Oh. Hey, don't worry about it. I got it. Mom in the room! Whoa. Hey. Oh, hey, look at the time. You're going to be late for your show. Oh, thank you for your concern, but my show isn't for another 30 minutes and I have a 30-second commute. Well, there could be traffic in the elevator. You, uh You know how it always bottlenecks at the 18th floor. Nice try, but you know the rule. Don't blow my nose in the dishtowel? No, no. The other rule? No, the one that you can't have a girl here unless there's a grown-up in here? Oh, don't worry about it. Thanks. I had a great time. I did, too. It's just fabu-- are you trying to ruin my life? It's my job. [Door opens] Hey, Cody. I thought you had a date. Oh, I did. But Barbara's mollusk club is looking for snail slime tomorrow, and you've got to get up early for that. My girlfriend's a model. Both: You're dating a model? It may look like I don't got it, but trust me, I got it. Hard to argue with that. Come on, hon. I'll walk you down. So, how'd it go with Abby? Lousy. I mean, I never get time alone with her. Dating at 14 stinks. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm a man, a mature adult. Hey, guys. Daddy! I don't remember having you. I'm mark. My dad's on a business trip for 3 months. Oh. In that case, go ahead. Here I am in your life  here you are in mine   yes, we have a suite life   most of the time   you and me, we got the world to see   so come on down   just me and you know what to do   so come on down   it's you and me   and me and you   we got the whole place to ourselves   you and me, we got it all for free   so come on down   this is the suite life   we've got a suite life  Oh! [Screams] [Grunting] Esteban! Be careful! Sorry, Mr. moseby. [Screams] Esteban! Hector! Ok! [Both laugh] Oh, this is Hector from my village! He's the hot dog man. Ahh. Very nice-- [laughs] And a hugger. Esteban, I have great news. There has been a peaceful change of government in our country, and your family's back in power! You mean my grandfather Geraldo Juan Carlos Diego pepe barbaro lupe Alberto Esteban julio Ricardo Montoya de larosa jimenez has taken the throne again? No. The other one. Oh, you mean Fred? S! Oh! And sitting by his side is his faithful queen. Candy! S! And your bank accounts have been unfrozen. You are rich. Oh! Rich enough to buy my pet chicken Dudley a new Coop? A solid gold Coop with a doorman. Ooh! That's rich! Oh, joy, oh, joy! Mr. moseby! Oh, that's great-- [indistinct shouting] [Laughter] [Indistinct sputtering] Now, Esteban, I'm happy for you. What is the first thing you're going to do? Oh, I'm going to buy a hot dog with everything on it. Everything? Why not? I am rich now, no? S! Is that all you want? A hot dog? No. I want you to take these bags. Why? Because I quit. [Both laughing] So, the producer of this rock musical calls me, and offers me the leading role in [Deep voice] Lothar, king of the vikings. Wow. That's awesome! [Normal voice] Yeah. It's a great show. In the second act, we invade the audience! [All talk at once] Are there health benefits? Uh--I think so, yeah. Kurt, I'm so happy for you. Thanks. Oh, and I just got an apartment. It's a couple of blocks away. And it has 2 bedrooms. [Gasps] Then we can sleep over! Shyeah! Oh. Uh, well, that is, if it's ok with your mom. Yes! Yes! A million times, yes! Thank goodness. I mean, sure. Ooh, Esteban! Put down your stuff and come carry my stuff. Oh, I am sorry. I do not work here anymore. Gasp! Moseby, how could you fire Esteban? I mean, sure, he's incompetent, you can barely understand a word he says, his best friend's a chicken Where was I? Look, I didn't fire him. He quit. My family's back in power. I am wealthy beyond my wildest dreams. Oh! Me, too! Isn't it great? So far, it's been a good day. The first thing we should do is go shopping. What are you going to buy first-- a limo? A helicopter? Or a yacht? London, the best thing for Esteban to do is to keep that money in the bank, save it for a rainy day. That is a good point. But if it's a rainy day, he could just take his helicopter to someplace dry. Ooh. That is a good point, too. I'm going to go to my apartment and think about this. You can't stay at that ratty little place. How did you know I have a ratty little place? Well, compared to me, everyone has a ratty little place. [Gasps] Idea! You should move into the tipton. Now, Esteban, that would be very expensive. Oh, really? How much would it be if I-- ah-ah-ah! Rich people never ask how much. All right. I'll take a nice room. With a view. Well done. I'm going to teach you all my smarticles on how to be rich. [Gasps] We can be b.F.F. W.H.L.A.G.S.A.L.! Both: Huh? Best friends forever who have lunch and go shopping a lot? Both: Ahh. Oh! Moseby! Be a dear and take these to Esteban's room. Moseby, be a moose and take these to mine. Wait! I-- both: Yay, us! Only 26 more years to retirement. Oh, man. That restaurant was great. Yeah. Sometimes, with mom's cooking, you forget that roast chicken shouldn't still have feathers on it. Oh, come on, guys. Your mom isn't that bad a cook. [All laugh] Uh-oh. What's the matter? Oh, I forgot the key to my apartment. Oh! That's ok, because I stashed an extra key right here just in case. [Clicks] Ok, guys. It's a school night, so I guess you should do your homework. But mom always lets us watch wrestle smack-a-thon. Well, that's odd Because on the don't list "Don't let them convince you "I let them watch wrestle smack-a-thon before doing their homework." Well, why can't we hang out with you on Fridays or Saturdays, when we don't have to do homework? Oh, I'm sorry, guys. Look, on those nights, I'm-- [deep voice] Lothar, the viking. Singing and dancing and [Normal voice] Hoping my fur pants don't fall off again. Look, I leave here at 4:00 and I don't get back here until after midnight. You mean, there's no one here for all that time? No. Why do you ask? Well, you know, because Your cat must get lonely. [Scoffs] I don't have a cat. It's a good thing, then. [Esteban grunting] Mr. moseby looks so busy. Ok. Rule number one-- when you're rich, it's moseby, not Mr. moseby. Rule number 2-- letting people know you have high standards is a part of being rich. Sigh. Sigh? S. So see what he says. Ok. Oh! [Grunts] Moseby. I want to tell you something about my lunch. You mean that it's still stuck in your teeth? Uh--no. Uh--uh-- I just wanted to say that It was delicious. Except the noodles romanov. I mean, the noodles were fine, but the flavor kept roaming off. I'll tell our chef forthwith. Ok. [Gasps] What? You fired chef paolo and hired someone named forthwith? [Gasps] No. Forthwith is presently. Well, I don't care if his name is presently or forthwith. Tell them both to fix it. So, you got the address, Abby? Abby: I guess so. I promise, it's my condo. How did you get your own condo? Well, you know, I bought it a couple of years ago with the money I got from my hit record. Rappin' Zack. Never heard of it. It was-- it was really big in Japan. Japan? Really. Yeah. They call me zacky-San. Ok. Bye, Abby. Bye. Whoo! You look nice. Oh, thank you. Abby and I are going to see a movie with lots of other people. Ok. Well, I'll just spend a nice night with your Brother. Well, I'm out of here. Oh. You have a date with Barbara. Yeah. We're going to the planetarium. Tonight's debate-- pluto: Planet or just space schmutz? Oh. Ok. I'll miss you. Yes! Alone at last! Ahh! [Sighs] I got to get me a boyfriend. Hey, Barbara. Meet me at the condo. [Laughs] Esteban, are you sure you want to do this? Do not question me. I am the paying customer, and what I say goes. [Gasps] That's right, Esteban! I've taught him well. So, what did you ask for? Your suite. Shock! It is so much nicer than mine, and Dudley loves it Except for the hot tub. It makes him feel like chicken soup. Daddy will never allow it. Oh, daddy did. He said Esteban's offer was too high to refuse. Ah, remember rule number 13? See it, like it, buy it! Ooh. That is a good rule. That will teach me to share my smarticles. Sob! Sweet. All right. Let's see. We got Jellybeans Cherry sodas And cheese product in a can. All the ingredients of romance. I wonder if dad has any cologne. Ha. Pt, low fat Crackers, low sodium And chocolate cake, low nothing. Room freshener-- forest pine. Ahh. [Sniffs] All the ingredients of romance. Phew. These flowers need a vase. [Sniffs] Mmm! Cake! Thanks, dad! [Knock on door] [Grunts] Barbara. You look beautiful. You look nice too, Cody. Come in, please. I have to tell you, I'm a little nervous. I've never been alone with a boy in an apartment before. Barbara, you have nothing to fear from the man who only seeks to adore you. Aww. That's so sweet! And if you try to go too far, I have a black belt in karate and can snap your arm like a twig. Ooh. Well, this is a nice place. Thanks. And I'm making your favorite tea--oolong. [Sighs] [Knock on door] Aha. [Exhales] Hi, zacky-San. What are you talking abou-- oh, the record. Wow. Your place is awesome. Does it come with a little girls' room? Oh, yeah. Right down the hallway and to the right. I'll pick out some music for us. Whoops! [Clatter] Oops. Want some company, baby? [Giggles] Sure. Oh, Abby. Oh, Cody. Zack? [Grunts] Barbara? What are you doing? Well, I don't know, but If you want to come back after Abby leaves, I'll be here! Barbara? Abby? Zack? Cody? What are you doing here? What is he doing here? It's his apartment. That's what he's doing here. His apartment? This is Cody's apartment. He bought it with the money he made from his solar-powered vacuum. So we share the place. Except for tonight, when I'm using it. Well, I'm not going to go. I already made Barbara oolong. Well, I brought cheese in a can! Hey, hey, why don't we all hang out together? Fine by me. I'm sure this place is big enough for the 4 of us. [Door opens] Welcome to shangri-la, my Amazon goddess. All: Mark? What are you doing here? I heard you talking about the key in the plant. And cassandra and I wanted a place to talk. But we're talking here! Esteban! Esteban! Please, please, please give me my suite back! I am sorry, muchacha. Rule number 31-- rich people never give anything back. Can I see that list I gave you? Oh! Of course. [Spits] That's why rich people never give anything back. You seem tense. Would you like to go for a ride in my limo? It has a volleyball court. I'm afraid you can't do that, Esteban. There's a problem. What? The net is not up? No. The bank was here. They took your limousine. What? Can't they go play volleyball somewhere else? Esteban, they repossessed it. They also took your yacht, your jet, your sports car, your solid gold toilet that plays moon river when you Use it. Oh! This is a disaster! They can't do this to me! Well, actually, they can. Your country has had another change in government, and your family has been removed from power. Oh, dios mio! Oh, you must have saved some money. Oh, yes, I did. I saved about 10 million, for starters. Oh, well, that's good. Except for in this country, it's worth about $1.40. Oh. Wait, Esteban's poor again? But how can that be? Well, he had money Uh-huh. Now, he doesn't. Ohh. What a shame. I get my suite back! Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh! That is mean. Rule number one-- mock the poor! Oh, Mr. moseby, I should have listened to you instead of miss spend now, save never! Be strong, Esteban. It's times like these that show a man's true character. Yes. You are right. I must show that I am strong, that I am in control. I want the money! Ok. All right. [All sigh] What is that, What can I tell you? I'm blessed. What's going on here? Um, Zack? Why is there a viking in your apartment? UhBecause we ordered German take-out? First of all, vikings are from scandinavia. And secondly, I'm their father. [Gasps] Your dad is a viking? Dad, what are you doing here? It's intermission, and I forgot my fur pelt. But more importantly, what are you all doing in my apartment? Wait, wait, wait. I thought this was your apartment. Time-share? Look, I'm going to make this quick because I am due to invade nova scotia in 5 minutes. Come here. You. Get over here. Sneaking girls in here without permission is totally inappropriate. Well, now that you're here, can we have your permission? Oh, sure. Go on. Knock yourselves out. Are you kidding?! This party is over. You boys are so beyond grounded, I'm going to spend the entire second act thinking up punishments that a viking would find cruel. Ok, but please, please, please, just don't tell mom. Tell mom what? About how we're all here playing spin the bottle. Let me guess-- you didn't meet her at a library? Carey, what are you doing here? I came here to pick up the boys' hockey uniforms, and I walk in on a kissing party hosted by a viking. Uh--uh--no, I-- I know I shouldn't have trusted you. Mom It's not dad's fault. Yeah. He didn't know we were here. He just came back for his fur pelt, and He already read us the riot act, so you don't have to. Really? Well, did you mention how inappropriate-- yes. And how they'd be grounded-- yeah. And that you were going to call the girls' mothers? Only if they're single. Little nordic humor. You're a good daddy, lothar. Well, thank you. I'm glad that you see that I take my fatherly responsibilities very seriously. Oh! I got to run. I got a village to pillage. Come on, girls. I'll take you home. Boys, you are in such trouble. Ok. I'm confused. Is your dad a viking or not? She's a keeper. [Grunting] Esteban, be careful! Oh! Ai, ai, ai. I've never seen someone check in with so much luggage. And that is just my underwear. Hector the hot dog man? Not anymore. Now, it is Hector, wealthy man of leisure. How could this have happened? Well, back in our country, when they kicked your family out, they kicked my family in! Oh! I am so happy for-- I am sorry, but I do not hug poor people. It is on the list that London gave me. Come on, Hector. Let's go island shopping. There's a lovely string of them near Jamaica. Both: Yay, us!