Sink or Swim

Can you drop me off at the mall, mom? I want to get those cool new sneakers with the tv screens in the toes. Ooh, I want those. Will you buy them for me, mommy? No, I won't, zacky. Well, now that your done with summer school, why don't you try getting a job like Cody has? Mr. moseby, can I have a job? No. Well, I tried. Yes, you must be exhausted. Hey, uh, Zack. If you, uh, need a job, I need a left-hand man. Don't you mean right-hand man? Not this week. Not the, uh, best way to stop a revolving door. Ouchie! Now I need a right-hand man. Here I am in your life here you are in mine yes, we have a suite life most of the time you and me, we got the world to see so come on down just me and you know what to do so come on down it's you and me and me and you we got the whole place to ourselves you and me, we got it all for free so come on down this is the suite life we've got a suite life [Girls screaming] [Bees buzzing] And that's why we don't play soccer with a beehive. [Cell phone rings] Hello? Maddie? When are you coming back? London, if you really miss me, then why don't you just come back up? And bring us some decent food. And some blankets without moth holes. And some black lipstick. My favorite shade is "kiss-me charcoal. " Thanks. I'll pass. Oh, come on. They just cleaned up the lake. You can swim in it now without going blind. I'm more worried about drowning. I can't swim. Really? You never told me you couldn't swim. Well, it never came up. Every time I've been in the water, there was a yacht under me. But you have a line of "simply London" swimsuits. That's why I need you to keep it quiet. If the tabloids hear about it, sales would go into the toilet. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me. [Girls whistling] Here you go, sweetie. I packed you a little lunch box. Please! Working men don't have their mothers pack lunch for them. Yes! Snicker doodles. Thank you, mother. Hey, arwin. Reporting for duty. Hey, za--hey, Carey. If-if I'd-a known you were coming, I would have gotten you flowers. Um, here. Have some wrenches. Well, I'll just go put them in some water. So, the sooner we get started, the sooner I get paid. Well, you couldn't have picked a better first day. Why? Is it a holiday? No. Better. Today's the day That we get to unclog the central garbage disposal. Yippee. Here we go. Whoa! What--what is that smell? Aw, it's the fish of the day. And that day was Come on, I'll let you insert the manual oscillating declogifier! [Echoing] All I see is that stick. Yeah, that's it. [Laughing] I think that's all of it. I think it, uh It got a second wind. Millicent. Your usual. What in the world are-- [both scream] Gimme that. What is this? A magazine. It's $2. 49. What!? Ok, it's free. "London tipton can't swim"? How could you put this on display? They delivered them, and I I don't know! London, please, stop asking Millicent questions. Look what this rag printed about me. Owner of overpriced swimsuit line can't swim? You don't know how to swim? Shh! Well, it's just one of those things that never felt important to learn. Like the alphabet. Why don't you learn now? Nah. I mean, you really only use it for stupid stuff like reading and writing. I meant the swimming thing. If you learn how, this problem goes away. Uh, Lance. Can you teach London how to swim? Sure, but I'm gonna need some water. Here. I'm gonna need a little more. Polly, I have to admit that selling that story about London to the tabloids was genius. No. Genius was using the money to order this duck a l'orange. I'm a vegetarian. Here. Eat the l'orange. Well, they hit a new low at the mess hall. Leech cobbler. Hey! Where'd you get all this good food? Leah's parents mailed it. Uh-huh. You know, leah, it's amazing your parents would do this for you after you testified against them. They're full of love. Look I know you girls are up to something. And I am going to get to the bottom-- ooh, is that creme brulee? No. I'm still suspicious. London, are you ready for your swimming lesson? Lower your voice. [Deep voice] London, are you ready for your swimming lesson? Shh! I don't want people to know I can't swim. Whoa. Rich people have big bathtubs. It's a pool. I had it installed for our lessons. Now stop being so silly. This is a serious matter. Let's go. [Duck quacks] Nice hat. You look like a dork. Nice smell. You reek like a fish. Still? I took 3 showers before I came here. Wow. That's more than you take in a month. Don't push me, box boy. I've been to the edge of the abyss and back. You can't imagine the things I've seen, the things I've done. Hey, I just ironed this apron. [Zach whines] Poor you with your cushy job. I'd give anything to work with food that hasn't already been digested. Aren't you supposed to be at work now? Well, I needed a break, so I came here to buy more blech. It's pronounced "bleach. " Aisle one. Hey, hey, hey. Slow down. I'm not ready to go back to arwin yet. I'm gonna hang out, eat a little snack, maybe see what's on tv. Oh, hey, let's see what's on sneaker-vision aah! Cody! Why are you out of uniform? I'm not Cody. [Gasps] Are you some sort of alien replicant? Aah! How many of you are there? Relax, Wayne. We're twins. Both of you? I thought my boss was a goofball. In the good way. Hey, Cody. I just fired Gilbert. You know anyone lookin' for a job? Stupid blech. Nope. No one comes to mind. Ducky's afraid. Don't be a chicken, ducky. Oh! There. I was in. Great lesson. Thanks. Bye! Don't worry, ok? You'll be fine. No, help, help! I'm drowning, I'm drowning! Hey, you're not certified. London, London. Just stand up. [Gasps] Lance! You saved my life. It's what I do. Now that you trust me to take care of you, you don't need duckie anymore, right? I guess not, but will you make quack-quack sounds when I squeeze your head? I'll try. Ow. Close enough. Ok. Why don't we work on your back float? No, I'm afraid. Just relax. I'll hold you. Oh, wow, this is kind of nice. Almost like-- like floating. Um, you are. And if you'd move, you'd be swimming. Oh, oh, I'm swimming, I'm swimming, I'm swimming! Lance, you're a miracle worker. [Duck quacks] Here you go, boss. Here's yourBleach. You left yesterday. I was about to file a missing little persons report. Well, I got side-tracked at the market. Do you know chick peas don't come from chickens? Oh, come on. Next you're gonna tell me crabapples don't come from crabs. You know, I'm not sure, but I could go back to the market and ask Cody. No, no, no, no, no! I still have much to teach you. An engineer must be vigilant. Arwin? He must be aware of everything that's going on around him. Arwin? He must know his hotel like a man knows the woman he loves, even though she's too busy with her nightclub act-- arwin, look. Holy Dutch boy, we sprung a leak! Why didn't you tell me? Uh, get some-- get some duct tape. No problem. I'll just run over to the market. Yeah, and also get some sponges, and a mop, and a "slippery when wet" sign. Well, that's the last of the pie. We need to sell another story to the global enquirer. I was abducted by aliens. Yeah. Too bad they gave you back. Good news, girls. Cabin 4 escaped last night, so we get pillows! [Cell phone rings] Hello? London: Maddie? Oh, hey, London. I've got a big problem. I almost kissed this hot guy. He works for the hotel. Ooh, you're in love with a tipton employee? Scandalous. Ka-ching. Oh. Oh. Tired, hungry, thirsty. Ahh! Hey, arwin. Oh, hi, Carey. Where's Zack? He forgot his lunch. Oh, he just went to the market. He'll be back soon. Yeah, he just left, um, about, uh, 3 hours ago. Market's around the corner. Well, he probably just got stuck in that revolving door. I know I do. Or maybe he's taking advantage of you. Oh, no, no, no, no. He just has a tendency to be a little tardy, and leave early, and not work when he's here. Arwin, you're his boss. You need to lay down the law. You're right. Zack needs to know who's in charge. [Giggling] Ok, I really need to fix this leak. Oh, here, try this. [Sighs] Minty. Ok, let's start with the breast stroke. This is how your arms should move. Can you help me? Ok, here. Just go like this. Try it like this. All right? Just, you know, stay back and Uh Ok, you know what? I think we've done enough swimming for today. Then maybe you can show me some rescuing stuff, like The kiss of life. Ok. Well, what you do is, you pinch the nose. Yeah. Tilt the head back Oh, just kiss me, you fool. No! Ok, this is wrong. No, you're doing great. I mean you and me. Won't your boyfriend be upset? What boyfriend? The global inquirer says you're in love with one of your employees. How do they find out these things? So it's true. Is it the waiter with the big biceps and the buzz cut? No. It's the lifeguard with the dreamy eyes and curly brown hair. Hate that guy! It's you. Ooh! Cool. Here you go, arwin. Here's your tape. The market was out, so I-- I just kinda grabbed some from your office. Thank goodness. Oh, whoo! I can finally put my arm down. [Groans] Ok, that's not working. Ahh. Okey-dokey, then, uh, I guess if that's all you need, I'm just gonna be on my way, oh, no, no. Not so fast, young man. You and I need to have a serious talk. Now, your work has been slightly shy Of excellent. Oh, I'm sorry I just blew up like that! Sometimes I just completely lose control. It's ok, arwin. You know what? Um, maybe I have been slackin' off a bit. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. You have been slacking off the perfect amount. I mean, sure, it would be nice if you could occasionally hand me a wrench. Ah! Curse my acid tongue! You know what, arwin? You make a point. How about today I stay for a full hour? You are the greatest. Tell you what. Why don't you just, uh, change this pool filter and take the rest of the day off and try to forget about my ruthless tirade. Whatever you say, boss. Great. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go, uh, sign up for some anger management classes. All righty. [Sighs] Oh, ow. I got a paper cut. Well, I can't let this get infected, so I'd better run over to the market and get a bandage. Wow. This London tipton gossip thing is a gold mine. No kidding. We sell one more story about her, and we can afford this hot tub. Ooh. Hey, guys. Where's my bunk? I carried it down to the lake. Do you like our new sofa? Well, yes, it actually-- where'd that tv come from? Did you guys rob a bank during nap time? Absolutely not. That would violate my probation. Believe it or not, we earned the money for this stuff fair and square. Yeah. You're the last person I'm gonna believe, miss "I hung out with the loch ness monster. " Well, this is true. We betrayed your friendship with London by selling her secrets to the global enquirer. Now you choose to tell the truth? Yeah. And it feels kinda good. I can't believe you leaked London's secrets to the press. I mean, it's despicable. It's heinous. [Cell phone rings] It's her. Hey, London. Look, I had nothing to do with it. London: Yes, you did. Because of your advice, everything has worked out between me and Lance. You're dating fish boy? Yes, and we're happy as clams. I mean, before people rip them out of their shells and dip them in sauce. I'm so happy for you, but There's something you should know. Hot tub Massage chair. Karaoke machine. What I'm trying to say is-- you know, maddie, you could have a boyfriend, too, if you ever did something with that rat's nest you call hair. Now, what did you want to say? That you can always confide in me. So, tell me all about you and fish boy. [Whispering] Write this down. I can't go into the big pool. Other people have been in that water. It's got poor people germs. Don't worry, we have a filter. Poor people germs can't afford to get through. Ok, but do you promise to jump in and give me mouth to mouth? You won't need rescuing. Who cares? I've never seen someone take 4 hours just to buy a bandage. Well, I wanted to make the right choice. There was waterproof, extra adhesive, antibacterial-- you went with the ones with little puppies on them. This one has a little nurse's hat. Yeah, well, shouldn't you be getting back to work? No. I can't take it anymore! I wish they were hiring where you work. Yeah, you and me both. Well, I gotta go. My favorite show is on-- chunky mcwilliams. Chunky: Aw, I did it again. Oh, that chunky. Hey, partner. Have any problems changing that filter? Filter? You didn't do it? If that filter isn't changed in time, the entire plumbing system will get backed up into the-- eww! Pool. Moseby! [Groans] I just dove into Who is responsible for that? Arwin, who is responsible for that? I am, Mr. moseby. I forget to replace the filter. Well, fix it! And you will pay for the damages. And you'll be receiving a bill from my dry cleaner, and my facialist, and my very dirty duckie. Isn't she hot when she's hot? Look, arwin, thanks for taking the blame for me, man. I promise tomorrow-- you know what? Just Just don't talk to me anymore. It was bizarre, mother. I went to clean the pool, and it was already clean sparkling, even. You know, like when I wax your head before we put your wig on? Actually, arwin, I cleaned the pool. Hold on, mother. By yourself? Uh, mother, I have to go. Uh-huh. Um, uh Macaroni and cheese with the smiley faces. And I also told Mr. moseby the sludge was my fault. And don't worry about the damages. Every cent is coming out of my Mom's paycheck. Well, thanks, buddy. It takes a big man to give up his mother's money to help a friend. Anyway, I'm--I'm really sorry. Apology accepted. Now, let's get back to work. Actually, arwin, I think you should fire me. What? Are you kidding? Today's the day we get to scrape the bird droppings off the roof. Oh, well, I don't think I deserve to have that much fun. Oh, sure you do. Oh! I forgot my dirty-birdy scraper at home. Hmm. Well, I guess we'll just have to use our hands. No! Whoa. Check out this week's global enquirer. "London tipton dating fish boy. " What? She won't date me, but she'll date someone with gills? Well, hey there, buddy. Are you getting taller? Well, actually-- can I borrow some money? No. You have a job. I'm not really working for arwin anymore. If he asks, I moved to lake tenaca. Excuse me. Where's the bread? In aisle 2, but I'd stock you in aisle 4, 'cause that's where we keep the hot tamales. [Whistles] Smooth. How did you know all that? Well, I guess I spent so much time hidin' here from arwin that I picked up a few things. Very impressive. If you want a job, you've got one here. Really? I accept. Great! We finally filled that position that's been open all week. All week? Didn't I mention that? I can't believe you didn't know your twin was looking for a job. Yeah, I can't believe it, either.