Never Say Nefir

Scene: One

(Aladdin, Abu, and Iago are flying over the desert on Carpet)

Iago: You guys are gonna love Getzistan. Big shows, cheap food, and 24-hour casinos! There's this place. Club Nest Egg. I'm gonna make a mint!

Abu: Puh!

Iago: (puts his wing around Abu's shoulder) I got this system, see.

Aladdin: Tell us about this system, most enterprising friend of mine.

Iago: What and give away my trade secrets? Never!

(Genie poofs out of the lamp)

Genie: Okie-dokie, Iago, I got the marked cards, the loaded dice, and the x-ray specs. Sign here. (Genie pulls all these things out as he speaks and wears the x-ray specs. He hands a clipboard and pen to Iago, who signs) What do ya need all this stuff for anyway?

Aladdin: That's quite a system.

Abu: Uh, uh, ah.

Iago: What, I'm trying to be practical. We got a genie with phenomenal cosmic power!

(Genie is looking at his hand through the x-ray specs)

Genie: Ooh, look at the bones!

Iago: Or semi-phenomenal, nearly-cosmic power. Okay, I was cheatin'! Sue me!

(Aladdin and Abu look at each other exasperated. Carpet begins bumping them up and down.)

Aladdin: Carpet, what's wrong! (They all look over Carpet to see what he is pointing at. It is the ruins of Getzistan.) Oh, no.

Iago: Ah! Say it ain't so! My hopes and dreams, smashed like a squishy, overripe. . . No wait, like a bug. Smashed like a crawly bug.

(Carpet lands among the ruins. Abu runs around over the rubble looking around.) Abu: Ooooh.

Iago: (Lying on a broken pillar.) It's just flat! Oh, it's flat and there's ants. Ants dragging this flat possum away!

(Sultan Pasta Al-Dente appears suddenly behind Iago. He is very happy.)

Al-Dente: Welcome to Getzistan!

Iago: Do you mind? I almost had it.

(Genie notices Al-Dente)

Genie: Oops, civilian! (He poofs into a normal looking person.)

Al-Dente: (giggling) I am your host, Sultan Pasta Al-Dente. Smiles, everyone! Smiles! In Getzistan, everyone smiles! (Genie and Aladdin look at each other, confused.) It's the jolliest place on earth! (Laughs)

(Iago lands on Al-Dente's turban heavily)

Iago: It's Ground Zero is what it is! (He looks down into Al-Dente's face) What happened to Club Nest Egg!?

Al-Dente: Where? What? Is something wrong? I'll have it fixed immediately! In Getzistan, "Service is king!"

(Aladdin approaches Al-Dente)

Aladdin: I think my friend's referring to the rubble. (He takes Iago off of Al-Dente's turban)

Al-Dente (dismissive) Oh, that! Well, that, it's uh-

(There is muttering and grumbling from off-screen. Genie and Carpet look quizzically at the source of the noise. A group of imps are running through the rubble over to the group.)

Genie: There's the problem! Imps! (The Imps come to a screeching halt in front of them.) Oh, imps are bad news, Al! I've seen 'em strip the flesh off a cow in less than 15 seconds! (He holds up 15 fingers on one hand) Or is that piranhas? In any case, I say we lay some traps! (He pulls out two snap traps. He holds them behind his back and a snapping noise is heard.) Ow! (He holds up a smashed finger.)

Al-Dente: That won't be necessary. (The camera begins to pan down the line of imps.) These imps are the best contractors money can buy. (The last imp salutes.) And uh, they're uh, well, they're, they're uh, just remodeling a showroom or two.

(Nefir is first heard off-screen, but is shown atop a tower.)

Nefir: What are you doing standing around?! Every idle moment is money out of my pocket, (He flies down to yell at the imps.) Food out of my mouth, blood from my veins!

Al-Dente: (whispering to Aladdin) That's Nefir. Nefir Hassanuf. He's the head imp.

(Nefir notices the others and walks over.)

Nefir: Ah, I see we have some guests. (He paces around Genie and sniffs.) (Disdainfully) And a genie.

Genie: I'm not a genie, I'm a human being! (Nefir pokes Genie and he poofs back to normal.) Hey, I am a genie! Oh, this is gonna be a surprise to Mom and Pop.

Nefir: (to himself) Genies, (sighs) there goes the neighborhood. Back to work! (The imps run away.) Time is money! (Following the imps.) All play and no work makes Nefir a poor imp.

Aladdin: Don't let that guy bug ya. C'mon you're a genie! Remember: Phenomenal, cosmic power!

Genie: Well, semi-phenomenal, nearly cosmic power, but yeah!

Iago: (flying away and looking back) Let's get out of here, I know landfills more entertaining than this. (He crashes into a brick wall that has suddenly appeared in front of him.) Ow!

Abu: Huh? (They all look over the new wall.)

Aladdin: Wow!

(The city is being rebuilt in front of their eyes in pink swirls, which are the imps. This goes on for the rest of the scene.)

Aladdin: Whoa!

(A wall appears behind Iago and he feels it with his wing.)

Iago: Oh, nice spackle work.

Genie: Phhht! Sure they build fast. But let's see 'em paint!

(A whirl of pink is passing over the wall painting.)

Iago: Ahhh! (The imp has painted a pink and blue pattern over the wall and Iago. The paint drips off of him and he spits it out. He then peels himself from the wall, leaving a spot where he was.)

Genie: (pointing out the spot) Big deal. They missed a spot. (An imp comes by with a palate and wearing a beret and paints over the spot in a second. He then paints the blue pattern over Genie to match the wall and flies away.)

Genie: (throwing off the paint) Imps! Why did it have to be imps?!

(Aladdin and Al-Dente are walking around as the city is being built around them.)

Aladdin: You're remodeling the entire city?

Al-Dente: There is one disadvantage. (Nefir hands him a bill.) It gets very expensive doing this every day. (He claps for servants.)

(Aladdin looks at him surprised as three servants roll out wheelbarrows full of riches to Nefir who checks his math on his abacus.)

Nefir: Yes! (He dives into one of the wheelbarrows.)

Abu: Ooh!

Iago: Oh, we gotta go into construction!

Abu: Uh-huh.

Aladdin: (to Al-Dente) Every day? You rebuild the entire city every day?

Al-Dente: (sputters) I mean-

Aladdin: This isn't just a little remodeling. (Suspiciously) What's going on here?

Al-Dente: (sighs) You got me. It's because of Samir the Destroyer.

Aladdin: Who?

Al-Dente: Samir the Destroyer. He destroys our town every night. It's a curse, or something. Like warts, or a brother-in-law who moves in with you! That kind of thing.

(Genie and Aladdin shrug as Al-Dente walks away.)

Al-Dente: (Laughs) Lucky for us the imps repair things so fast. (Sighs) Now if we could only bring back the tourists. (He begins to walk up some stairs that are being built as he walks up them.)

Aladdin: Why don't you just get rid of this Samir the Destroyer?

(The rest of the tower is built around them.)

Al-Dente: (gasps) What a brilliant idea! (Yells out the window) Hey, Nefir! Yoo hoo! (Nefir is laying on top of a wheelbarrow and spitting out money like water.) Aladdin is going to get rid of Samir!

(Nefir chokes on one of the coins.)

Aladdin: What?

(Another imp gives Nefir the Heimlich and Nefir coughs up the coin, which lands in another imp's eye. Nefir grabs the imp.)

Nefir: Do you realize how much money I'll lose if that boy and his genie stop Samir? Get back to work! (He throws down the imp.) You lazy- (He throws money at the imps and they scatter.) Stealing the breath from my lungs, the enamel from my teeth, the marrow from my bones!

Aladdin: Er, Sultan Al-Dente, uh, I didn't mean that I - (Genie pulls him away)

Genie: Al, don't worry. Remember: Semi-phenomenal, nearly cosmic power.

Aladdin: Uh, ok, I'll do it. (A bell rings and Aladdin is dressed like a boxer with gloves that magically make him punch and Genie dressed like his manager.)

Genie: (with a tough voice) All right kid, it's the big time. Let's show this light-weight Samir what we've got.

Scene: Two (Outside the city walls. Jazz music is playing. Aladdin, Carpet, and Abu pace back and forth while Genie leans against the wall. Iago flies over to them.)

Iago: (to Aladdin) I can't believe you let Karnak here talk you into this. You do your civic duty of being smashed to a pulp. Me, I'm headed to Club Nest Egg!

(He flies away. Abu chitters angrily after him and shakes his fist.)

Genie: Ah, don't worry, Al. I've met this Samir character. (Laughs) Little guy. I can take him easy. (He flexes his muscles.)

Aladdin: Shhh, do you hear music?

(Both he and Abu tilt their heads to the side to listen. The "Dance of the Hours" is heard.)

Abu: Oh! Ahh!

(The ground begins to shake. They all stare in shock at what is coming. It is an enormous pink rhinoceros. Abu shrieks and hides behind Carpet. Carpet follows suit and they are both crouched over trying to hide themselves.)

Aladdin: That's a little guy?!

Genie: Oh! Samir the Destroyer! I was thinking of Ned. Ned the Destroyer. They're both very similar, except Ned isn't quite so large!

(Samir begins to dance back in forth. He leaps through the wall and proceeds to dance ballet all over the city.)

Aladdin: He's dancing?

Abu: Dancing?

(Samir twirls and leaps around destroying buildings in his path.)

Genie: He's destroying! Al-Dente: He's dancing, and he's destroying. The biggest floor show on earth and I still can't get the tourists to visit!

(Genie poofs into a hunter outfit with a gun.)

Genie: After I tranquilize the rhinoceros, (He loads his gun.) Jim will tag the beast so we can track its migration. (He fires the gun but the tranquilizer bounces off of Samir.) The thick skin of the rhinoceros provides a natural defense against predators such as myself. (He looks over his shoulder to see that the tranquilizer has bounced onto Aladdin's arm.) Oops.

Aladdin: (Drowsily, with pink, flying rhinos circling his head.) Genie- (He passes out.)

Genie: Ah, unfortunately, Aladdin's thin skin sucks up the tranquilizer like nobody's business.

(Nefir picks up the tranquilizer)

Nefir: Pretty good job, for a genie. (He tosses it to Genie who fumbles with it.)

(Iago comes out of Nest Egg.)

Iago: How's a bird supposed to throw dice when the table keeps shaking? I mean it- (notices Samir) Ahh! No! Not the Nest Egg! Anything but the Nest Egg!

Genie: (To Nefir) You haven't begun to see semi-phenomenal, nearly cosmic power, imp! (He poofs away and reappears in front of Samir as a British police officer.) (With a British accent.) 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, what's all this, then, what's all this? (Samir stomps Genie flat. Genie pops back up holding his squashed hat.)

Genie: You broke my hat. (A horse whinnies and Genie changes his hat into a cowboy hat as Western movie theme music plays. Genie changes into a cowboy twirling a lasso.)

(The "Dance of the Hours" plays again as Samir dances dangerously close to the Nest Egg. Just as Samir is about to crush the Nest Egg and Iago, Genie lassos his foot and pulls him back. The western music is heard again. Iago looks out from behind his wings.)

Iago: You- you- (Genie ties up Samir's legs) You saved the Nest Egg!

(Al-Dente and Abu cheer and Nefir looks bewildered. The "Dance of the Hours" plays again and Samir begins to hop around to the music. He continues to destroy buildings.)

Al-Dente: No!

Nefir: Yes! I mean, no.

(Genie appears as a referee and blows his whistle.)

Genie: Foul! Back field in motion!

(Samir hits Genie while dancing and Genie goes flying.)

Genie: (dazed) Five yard penalty. (He flies into one of the eggs on top of the club and three lower windows spin like a jackpot game and stop on three pictures of Genie.)

(Carpet holds Aladdin by the shoulders, shakes him, and slaps his face to wake him up. Aladdin holds his head and moans.)

(Samir begins to dance away.)

Iago: He's leaving!

Genie: (falling over) He's leaving?

(Samir twirls around, takes a bow, and snaps the rope. He leaps into the air. As his shadow looms over them, Iago screams and he and Genie run into the club just as Samir lands in a split on top of it. He bows and gets up to leave. As he stands, he shakes the eggs from the top of the club off of his rear and dances away. Genie comes out from one of the broken eggs and pulls Iago out of another.)

Iago: Ow, that hurt.

Aladdin: (rubbing his head) Did we get him?

Genie: Well, uh, almost?

(Aladdin stands up and looks around. The city is once again completely demolished.)

Scene: Three (Ruins on the outskirts of the city. Hammering is heard and a jet plane is seen. Fire shoots from the jets as Genie tests them.)

Genie: This ought to take care of Mister Destroyer.

(Nefir peeks over a wall and sees what Genie is doing. The other imps run over to him.)

Nefir: That boy and his genie are trying to send me to the poor house! I want that thing gone! Now! (The imps run away.)

Genie: Now where the heck is Aladdin? (Sees him and walks off to him.) Al! There you are!

(The imps appear on the jet in a pink swirl and laugh as they load the jet with barrels of explosives.)

Genie: Hi, Al! Sorry about last night, but I've got the ultimate answer to all your dancing rhino needs! (He poofs into an army commander). (Showing off the jet.) 300 million pounds of thrust, laser guided targeting, chrome wingtips, and a pull out CD player. (He appears in the cockpit as a pilot.) Thunderbirds are go. (The imps duck behind a wall as Genie hits a button on the jet. There is a loud explosion and all that is left is an outline of the jet, which crumbles into ash. The imps laugh and high-five. Nefir approaches Aladdin.)

Nefir: Come, lad. I'll help you out with Samir. My men are the ultimate in efficiency. We'll build you a nice reliable catapult that'll fling Samir the Destroyer clear into next week!

Aladdin: Hmm, makes more sense than rebuilding the city everyday. (He shakes Nefir's hand while rubbing the back of his neck.) Okay, I guess we can't really afford to fool around with this.

Genie: What? (The imps drag Aladdin away.) But, Al! You used to like it when I fooled around.

Scene: Four (Genie and Carpet are playing Knock Out near a fountain in the city.)

Genie: Semi-phenomenal, nearly cosmic power, tut! I'm nothing but a second-class genie. No. I'm worse. I'm coach. Make that economy. I'm a no-frills genie! Not even free peanuts! (Carpet's player knocks Genie's player out. He raises his tassels in victory.) I can't even K.O. a throw rug.

(Nefir approaches and shoves Carpet into the fountain.)

Nefir: Ah, just the all-powerful Genie I wanted to see.

Genie: Get outta here, imp!

Nefir: Don't be like that! I just wanted to congratulate you on your valiant effort last night.

(Carpet climbs out of the fountain and shakes himself off.)

Genie: Huh?

Nefir: You almost beat Samir.

Genie: And if I hadn't knocked out my best buddy, he might have seen that.

Nefir: Look, not everyone can almost defeat a giant dancing rhinoceros. That's impressive.

Genie: Yeah, tell that to Al.

Nefir: It's all a matter of timing. If I were a genie, I'd go capture the monster while he sleeps.

Genie: He sleeps?

Nefir: All day in a cave in the next valley. Totally defenseless.

Genie: Totally defenseless? I can deal with that. Yeah, capture Samir! That would impress Al! (He poofs into Rambo and imitates Sylvester Stallone.) Yo, where's that cave?

(Nefir grins evilly.)

Scene: Five (A cave. Loud snoring is heard. Genie enters with a torch.)

Genie; Okay, first, I capture Samir, so Al and me will be buddies again. Then, I ask for a raise.

(The snoring continues and Genie spots Samir.)

Genie: (shuddering) A really big raise. (He floats to the top of Samir.) Well, here goes nothing. (He pulls out a big mallet, shakes his head and pulls out and even bigger mallet. Just as he is about to whack Samir, Samir sits up.)

Samir: Hi.

(Genie waves back and smiles sheepishly.)

Scene: Six (Genie and Samir are in the cave having a tea party.)

Samir: I learned a lot from that relationship, and that's when I decided to come to Getzistan.

Genie: But what's with the dancing? The city? The destruction?

(Samir shoves his foot in Genie's face, who sniffs and turns green.)

Samir: It's these shoes. I woke up one day, and there they were, right there on my feet. I can't get 'em off. Every night, I hear this fun-kay music. And, well, you know I. . . "Gotta dance!" It's the darndest thing, really.

Genie: But who would want to destroy Getzistan every night?

(Nefir is heard off-screen. Genie looks around.)

Nefir: Me. (He flies out of the shadows.) And my real fun-kay band!

(The imps turn into a band.)

Samir: Imps! Yeah, that makes sense.

Genie: Nefir! Ooh! (Genie talks to another head that has sprouted next to his.) Grr, never trust imps! Never!

Nefir: Good advice. Get 'im!

(The imps swirl over to Genie, knocking over Nefir. There is a crash and Genie is trapped in a stockade.)

Genie: Help.

Imps: Ta-da!

(Genie grunts as he tries to escape. Nefir flies over.)

Nefir: Struggle all you like, fool. Your stockade's been imp-crafted from fine Tibetan oak, imported from the east and stewed for days in enchanted whale jelly. A sure-fire genie trap!

Genie: Ooh, this guy does his homework.

(A long scroll unrolls in front of Genie and his eyes bulge.)

Nefir: Your bill. Tibetan oak isn't cheap.

(Genie begins to read.)

Genie: "Whale jelly- 500 shekels. Genie trapping- 500 dinar. Magic shoes-6,000 gold pieces." (Looks up.) Hey, what magic shoes? (Looks down in realization.) Oh, no! (He is wearing a pair of dancing shoes.)

Nefir: Hey, like Samir said, "Gotta dance!"

Scene: Seven (It is sunset and Aladdin, Carpet, Abu, and Iago are waiting out in the desert.)

Aladdin: Where's the catapult? (Iago flies over to a mailbox.) What is this?

Iago: Oh, well, I don't know, but I don't think it's gonna fling a dancing rhino.

(Abu pulls a scroll out of the mailbox and Aladdin takes it.)

Aladdin: Hey, look: "Dear boy, bird and monkey: Sorry we didn't build you a catapult. Something came up. Signed, Nefir. P.S. Please remit 700 coppers for the mailbox." Ooh! I don't believe those guys! (He rubs the lamp.) Come on, Genie! I could use some of that darn-near-phenomenal cosmic power!

(A spurt of sparks comes out of the lamp and dies. Aladdin shakes the lamp.)

Iago: Wonderful! No catapult, no genie- (The ground begins the shake.) (Gasps.) No way!

(Genie and Samir come over the dunes dancing to tango music.)

Aladdin: Genie?

Abu: Wow!

Iago: Forty tons of Fred and Ginger is not what we need.

(Aladdin flies up to Genie on Carpet.)

Genie: (panting) I'm, I'm so sorry, Al! I really messed up this time!

Aladdin: Genie, just stop dancing!

Genie: I-I can't! It's Nefir! He used his imps to put magic dancing shoes on Samir!

Samir: Hi.

Genie: And now, I've got 'em, too!

Aladdin: But why- Of course! Nefir's running a royal scam! Genie, you were right about those imps!

Genie: I was right? I was right! Tell me again I was right!

Aladdin: No time! We have to get the shoes off!

(Aladdin flies away)

Genie: Oh, yeah.

Scene: Eight (It is nighttime. Nefir is sitting in a tower in the city counting on his abacus.)

Nefir: (giggling) I'm so clever! With two monsters dancing, the city is destroyed twice as fast! How efficient. I can destroy the city twice a day.

(The ground rumbles loudly and Abu shrieks and tries to run away as Genie and Samir continue to tango toward him and the city. Aladdin swoops down and scoops up Abu. Abu sighs. Genie and Samir leap into the city.)

Aladdin: Dancing shoes. I've got an idea!

(Genie and Samir are dancing and destroying their way to the Nest Egg. Iago lands on top of it.)

Iago: No, not again! Please, not the Nest Egg! No, not again! Aaaah!

(Genie and Samir are about to destroy the Nest Egg when soothing flute music is heard and they dance the other way.)

Iago: Whew.

Nefir: What? What are they doing?

(Aladdin is leading Genie and Samir away by playing a flute.)

Genie: Whew! Great idea Al! The boy's a genius. Gets it from me.

Nefir: Yaaa! No fair, no fair! (He runs over to the imp band.) Quick! Something louder!

(The imp band begin to play Caribbean music with matching costumes.

Genie and Samir begin to dance into the city again even faster.)

Abu: Ooh!

Genie: We need something softer!

(Genie zaps Aladdin, Carpet, Abu, and Iago and they play light chamber music in full costume with powdered wigs. Genie and Samir gracefully and slowly dance around.)

Nefir: Ooh! Something faster!

(The imps whirl around and play Russian music with Russian hats. Genie and Samir do a Russian dance back into the city. They spin around wildly.)

Genie: Come on, Al! My feet are burning up! (His feet begin smoking and sizzling.) Hey! Al, play faster. Faster!

Aladdin: Faster? Are you sure?

Genie: Trust me, Al. Faster!

Aladdin: (Taking off the costume.) Oh, I get it. Faster, guys!

(Aladdin plays a slide down the piano and they start playing rock 'n roll. Abu plays the drums and Carpet the electric guitar.)

Abu: All right!

(Genie and Samir begin to dance very fast. Nefir groans and the imp band joins in on the rock 'n roll with saxophones, guitars and Elvis hairdos.)

Nefir: (gibbering) Ahh!

Iago: Oh, ah, yeah! Take it on home! Wow! Ooh! It's hammer time!

(Genie and Samir's feet begin to sizzle and sparks fly from their feet.)

Nefir: Nooo! (He flies over to them but their shoes explode as the music comes to an end with a crash, Literally.)

Aladdin: Yeah!

Genie: (holds up his red feet) Boy, I could go for a foot bath. (He picks up Nefir, who is trying to sneak away.) Hang on, Shorty.

Scene: Nine (Al-Dente is shaking Aladdin's hand in the newly-built city.)

Al-Dente: All of Getzistan thanks you, Aladdin!

Aladdin: Actually, I couldn't have done it without some phenomenal cosmic power!

(Genie, Abu, and Carpet are relaxing in reclining sun chairs.)

Genie: Semi-phenomenal, nearly cosmic power, thank you! (Iago storms by without any feathers and wearing a barrel.) Hey, what's the problem, Bird man?

Iago: The Club Nest Egg is the problem! I lost my shirt! (To Aladdin) The tables are fixed. Rigged, I tell ya! Let's get out of this dump!

Al-Dente: What? And miss the floor show?

Samir: Play dat funky music, imp-boy!

(Samir lifts a tent. The imps are all wearing dancing shoes and doing the can-can. Nefir whimpers.)

End