When Life Gives You Potatoes…

Narrator: In the spaceship hideout of WordGirl and Captain Huggy Face…

(A pair of training robots approach Huggy, who is blindfolded. When he senses they are close, he knocks them both over with ninja-like precision. Meanwhile, WordGirl is pushing on something heavy.)

WordGirl: Can’t- seem- to get it! Huggy! I need your help! (Huggy jumps over and lands beside her, and pushes on the object. It is revealed to be a large unicorn statue on a pole.) Thanks, Huggy! Now it’s centered… and the WordGirl Hideout is officially complete!

(Huggy whimpers.)

WordGirl: Well, of course it’s your hideout too, it’s just a little cumbersome to say both of our names. (He stares at her with big eyes) Uh, fine! And the official WordGirl and Captain Huggy Face Hideout is complete! Just don’t expect me to say that every time.

(A light on a control panel starts flashing.)

WordGirl: Oh! The official WordGirl Crime Detector! Looks like a bank robbery is going down on Marshall and Crenshaw! C’mon, Huggy! Word UP! (Takes off, and quickly arrives at the bank.)

(Scene: The bank vault.)

Bank Guard: You’re too late, WordGirl: They already got away. (There is a large hole in the side of the building.)

WordGirl: Who was it? Did you see them?

Bank Guard: No, I was in the bank at the time, restin’ my eyes for a second, and all of a sudden there was a sound like- like a buzz saw chewin’ through solid steel! By the time we opened the vault door, all the gold was already gone!

WordGirl: What took you so long?

Bank Guard: Forgot the combination.

WordGirl: Huh. What did you find, Huggy? (He chomps his teeth.) You’re right, they do look like teeth marks! Hmm-- there’s only one criminal I know who can chew through solid steel!--

Bank Guard: Toothie, the metal mouth chewer!

WordGirl: Never heard of him.

Bank Guard: That’s ‘cause I made him up.

WordGirl: Oh. Actually, the only criminal I know of who could chew through a wall like that is Dr. Two-Brains!

Bank Guard: Never heard of him.

WordGirl: Huggy? (He holds up a picture of Two-Brains.)

Bank Guard: What’s that thing on his head?

WordGirl: He accidentally fused his brain with an evil mouse brain. Hence the name, Dr. Two-Brains!

Bank Guard: I still like Toothie better.

(Huggy chatters something.)

WordGirl: You’re right, Huggy, it can’t be Two-Brains. I mean, the teeth marks look like his, but he only steals cheese, not gold. Plus, he’s still locked up in prison. Must be a new criminal in town. But who?...

(Scene: Dr. Two-Brains’ lair. Someone stacks several gold bars on a giant “X” on the floor. The camera pulls back, and there is a ray gun pointing at the gold bars. A hand grabs a lever and pulls it. The ray gun turns on, and the gold bars turn into a soft yellowish substance. One of the henchmen scoops his finger into it and tastes it.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Well?

Henchman 1: Potato salad. Just like all the rest.

Dr. Two-Brains: No, no, no! The  transformation , it’s all wrong! I have to try again! How much gold do we have left?

(Charlie, the tall silent henchman, shakes his head.)

Dr. Two-Brains: None? I need more gold! Go get me more gold!

Henchman 1: Yes sir.

Dr. Two-Brains: I have to stay here and plan!

(Scene: WordGirl’s Secret Spaceship Hideout. WordGirl is talking to the warden on her Crime Detector )

WordGirl: And you’re sure he’s still in his cell?

Warden: I’m lookin’ right at him!

WordGirl: Well, it’s just that I--

Warden: If that is NOT Dr. Two-Brains I’m lookin’ at, then I’ll eat my hat!

WordGirl: Oh, all right!

Warden: I’m serious! I’ll eat it!

WordGirl: I-I know…

Warden: I’m a man of my word.

WordGirl: I believe you. It’s-- but I…

Warden: For some people, “I’ll eat my hat” is an expression. Not with me!

WordGirl: Right. (pause) I have to go.

Warden: I’m gonna eat the hat. (begins eating it as the broadcast ends. The light on the panel starts flashing.) Another robbery, Huggy! Let’s go! Word UP!

(Scene: The You Buy Gold store. The Henchmen are loading jewelry into their van. WordGirl and Huggy arrive.)

WordGirl: Hold it right there!

Henchman 1: (looking around) Hold what right where?

WordGirl: It’s an expression, it means to stop.

Henchman 1: Oh.

WordGirl: Hey wait a second. Aren’t you Dr. Two-Brains’ henchmen?

Henchman 1: You remember us? (both of them perk up)

WordGirl: Of course

Henchman 1: Usually everyone just remembers the main bad guys. We get forgotten.

WordGirl: Oh! That’s too bad.

Henchman 1: Yeah, well…

WordGirl: Don’t look so  glum . Listen, I promise to bust you guys just like any other big name villain!

Henchman 1: That’s nice! (his radio broadcasts a signal) Oh, that’s the boss! We should get goin’!

(Charlie sets down a wind-up mouse, which goes toward Huggy. He reaches down to grab it.)

WordGirl: No Huggy, don’t touch it! (He touches it, and the both get zapped by an electrical shock. The van leaves. She looks over at Huggy.) You okay? (He gives her a thumbs up.) I think it’s time we pay a little visit to Dr. Two-Brains… in prison.

(Scene: the prison.)

Warden: Two-Brains is locked up in his cell, where he belongs. If he isn’t, I’ll--

WordGirl: ...eat your hat?

Warden: How’d you know?

WordGirl: We’ve been through this.

Warden: You know, that last hat didn’t taste too good? (The walk up to Two-Brains’ cell.) You see? He’s been sittin’ like that for days, just lookin’ all tired and sad and.... What’s the word I’m lookin’ for?

WordGirl:  Glum ?

Warden: Exactly! Wait a minute, what does  glum  mean?

WordGirl: It means to be sad, or depressed!

Warden: Oh, well then, exactly! He is  glum ! That’s kind of a fun word to say.  Glum .  Glum ,  glum ,  glum ,  glum ,  glum ,  glum ,  glum ,  glum … (WordGirl clears her throat) Sorry.

WordGirl: Dr. Two-Brains? It’s WordGirl! I need to talk to you for a second! (There is no answer) Dr. Two-Brains?

Warden: Hey, perp! Don’t just sit there lookin’ all  glum . Answer her!

WordGirl: Open the door! Something’s going on in here. (The warden opens the cell door, and on the cot is a dummy wearing a lab coat. Huggy examines it and tries licking it, and ends up blowing bubbles.)

Warden: What?

WordGirl: That’s not Dr. Two-Brains! It’s a dummy carved out of soap!

Warden: Amazing! Must have taken him hours! Even got the whiskers right!

(Huggy and the dummy fall onto the floor, revealing that a hole had been dug through the wall.)

Warden: Huh? He escaped!

WordGirl: Yeah.

Warden: Through that hole in the wall!

WordGirl: Mmm-hmm!

Warden: Ah well, what’re you gonna do? (takes his hat off)

WordGirl: Uh, you really don’t have to do that!

Warden: It’s okay, I made this hat out of hamburger meat! (starts eating it, and Huggy joins in.) Hey! Scram! Get yer own meat hat!

WordGirl: C’mon, Huggy! Dr. Two-Brains is on the loose! We’ve got to stop him! (The Warden keeps eating the hat)

(Scene: Dr. Two-Brains’ lair.)

Narrator: Meanwhile, back at the darkened warehouse…

Dr. Two-Brains: (appearing in silhouette) There! I had to use some of the stolen gold to build it, but it’s finally finished! My new cheese  transformation -- (he coughs, and the lights come on) Oh, that’s better! My new cheese  transformation  ray is ready to GO! Put some gold on the X-spot, boys! First, I’ll zap it with the gold-to-potato-salad  transformation  ray… (pulls a lever, and the ray changes the gold into potato salad)

Henchman 1: Yup, potato salad.

Dr. Two-Brains: Excellent! Now, I’ll zap it with my potato-salad-to-cheese  transformation  ray! (pulls another lever, then examines the result, which looks like a block of cheese) Could it be? (smells it, and holds it up triumphantly) Aah! That  transformation  is complete! A-ha-ha-ha-ha! Hey, you guys don’t seem very excited!

Henchman 1: Doc, listen. Our landlord stopped takin’ cheese as rent!

Dr. Two-Brains: Uh, what are you saying?

Henchman 1: Maybe we could grab a little of the gold, you know, before you turn it into cheese?

Dr. Two-Brains: So, you want to steal gold to use as… gold?

Henchman 1: Yeah…

Dr. Two-Brains: But what about my  transformation  ray...s?!

Henchman 1: You can still use them, we just want a little of the gold!

Dr. Two-Brains: I don’t know, I mean-- I got a whole mouse thing going on here! If word got out that I was involved in stealing gold without transforming it into cheese, well-- then people would think I’m just some ordinary run-of-the-mill criminal, you know, boring!

Henchman 1: We wouldn’t tell nobody, would we? (Charlie shakes his head)

Dr. Two-Brains: Ah, let me think about it.

Henchman 1: Fair enough.

Dr. Two-Brains: Meanwhile-- (clears his throat) sorry-- we got some gold to steal! And I know just the thing! The Golden Rodent, an ancient Egyptian box in the shape of… (holds up newspaper) Tada! A mouse! Ha-ha-ha-ha! It’s perfect! To the museum, boys!

(Scene: The museum, a little later. Two-Brains eats his way through the floor, and soon he and the henchmen are inside, staring at the Golden Rodent. Silhouettes of statues can be seen in the foreground, one of which looks suspiciously like an outline of WordGirl!)

Dr. Two-Brains: There it is, boys! The Golden Rodent! How appropriate that I’m going to transform it into cheese! A-ha-ha-ha-ha!

(Suddenly, one of the “statues” moves toward Two-Brains.)

WordGirl: The only  transformation  that’s going to happen here is you! Going from a rat to a jailbird!

Dr. Two-Brains: WordGirl! Hey, nice variation on the whole--

WordGirl:  Transformation  thing? Thanks.

Henchman 1: What’s you guys talking about?

WordGirl: Oh, um…

Dr. Two-Brains: Go ahead, you are WordGirl!

WordGirl: Oh, thank you! Well,  transformation  means to change from one thing to another!

Dr. Two-Brains: Right, WordGirl! For example, my first ray  transforms  gold into potato salad! My second ray  transforms  potato salad into cheese!

Henchman 1: Oh!

WordGirl: Right, so  transformation  m--- Wait! What?

Dr. Two-Brains: You heard me.

WordGirl: So-- you’re stealing gold, then transforming it into potato salad.

Dr. Two-Brains: Mmm-hmm!

WordGirl: Then you’re taking that potato salad and transforming it into cheese!

Dr. Two-Brains: (chuckles) Right.

WordGirl: Doesn’t that seem a little unnecessarily difficult? I mean, why not steal potato salad instead of gold?

Dr. Two-Brains: Huh?

WordGirl: Or use the gold to buy the potato salad. Or, why not just steal cheese in the first place?

Dr. Two-Brains: (thinking) Oh… boy. Seems obvious when you say it that way-- but I have my reasons!

WordGirl: Okay, all right!

Dr. Two-Brains: I was in a rut, okay?

WordGirl: Okay!

Dr. Two-Brains: Oh, plus, my henchmen needed gold so they could pay their rent… and stuff. (They start smiling)

Henchman 1: Oh, does this mean we can have some?

Dr. Two-Brains: No! (The henchmen’s faces turn sad.)

WordGirl: Don’t look so  glum ! You won’t need rent money when I send you to prison!

Dr. Two-Brains: Ha-ha-ha-ha! Not likely! (Holds up some type of gun) I have just the thing to take care of you and your-- Hey, where’s your little sidekick?

WordGirl: Oh, Huggy? He, um… sprained his ankle! Slipped on some soap!

Dr. Two-Brains: Aw, well that’s too bad. Looks like I’ll have to enjoy defeating you and you alone! (He shoots the gun in the air, and a net falls onto WordGirl.)

WordGirl: Hey! (She tries to push it off of her, but it doesn’t budge.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Don’t waste your time, WordGirl! That net is made from fibers a thousand times stronger than steel! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Whoop, time to go, take her with us boys! (Grabs the Golden Rodent, while the henchmen drag WordGirl through the hole.)

WordGirl: Let go of me!

Narrator: Is this the end of WordGirl? Will Dr. Two-Brains try to turn her into potato salad?

Dr. Two-Brains: Hey, don’t give it away!

Narrator: Sorry.

Dr. Two-Brains: Blabbermouth!

(Scene: Two-Brains’ lair, a little later. WordGirl is tied up by the wrists and ankles.)

Dr. Two-Brains: And now, WordGirl, you will witness greatness, as soon as my gold-to-potato-salad ray warms up!

WordGirl: Don’t you want to know how I knew you’d be at the museum?

Dr. Two-Brains: Uh-- not really... All right, how’d you know?

WordGirl: The Golden Rodent! It was obvious!

Dr. Two-Brains: You’re pretty good, WordGirl… but you’re going up against a guy with two brains! Ha ha! Good burn, second brain!

WordGirl: Yeah, a guy with two brains, and this was the best plan you could come up with? Gold to potato salad, then potato salad to cheese? Huh-huh-huh!

Dr. Two-Brains: Ha, ha, ha, yeah laugh it up now, WordGirl, because after I transform this Golden Rodent into delicious cheese, we’re going to see what effect it has on pesky superheroes!

Narrator: I knew it! I said so before.

Dr. Two-Brains: uh, yeah… congratulations.

WordGirl: Wait-- I thought you said it only works on gold!

Dr. Two-Brains: We’ll soon find out, won’t we? Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha!

WordGirl: (gasps) You fiend!

Dr. Two-Brains: And proud of it!

Henchman 1: The potato salad ray is ready, boss!

Dr. Two-Brains: Excellent! Hit it! (The henchmen pull a lever, and the ray activates. A pile of potato salad appears on the floor.) Taste it!

(The unnamed henchman bends down next to the potato salad, and as he reaches for it, Huggy appears from the middle of the pile!)

Dr. Two-Brains: What?! He was inside the Golden Rodent?

WordGirl: That’s right! The joke’s on you, Two-Brains!

Dr. Two-Brains: Huh! I guess this ray only works on gold.

WordGirl: I guess so! Huggy, get him!

Dr. Two-Brains: Wait, turn the ray back on! Potato salad him! (Huggy pushes against the ray gun, directing the beam at the other ray gun, turning it into potato salad.)

Dr. Two-Brains: NO! My cheese ray! Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off! (Too late, it has already been turned into potato salad.) NOO!

WordGirl: Great job, Huggy! (He starts chewing at the ropes holding her, and frees her. The henchmen approach.) Time to get a little exercise, Doc! (She flings a large mouse wheel at them, which traps Two-Brains and the henchmen inside.)

Henchman 1: Stop running, Doc!

Dr. Two-Brains: Can’t-- help it-- mouse brain-- makes me-- run!

Narrator: And so, WordGirl and Captain Huggy Face once again foil the dastardly and, I must admit, pretty confusing plans of the evil Dr. Two-Brains!

WordGirl: I know, right?

Dr. Two-Brains: (still running inside the mouse wheel) Yeah, yeah, all right, enough!

Narrator: Join us next time for another action-packed episode of… WordGirl!