Bad Chicken

(We open at school. The bell rings, and the children are shouting. Teacher stands on her head.)

Teacher: "Shut up! I’m gonna stand on my head until you losers shut your pie-holes! Great. The blood’s all rushed to my head. Thanks loads, kids. Ha ha ha! All right, pop quiz time."

(The children all groan.)

Teacher: Chicken, I need you to make 45 copies of this test. Take this to the copy room. (She gives the test to Chicken.)

Chicken: "Cool."

Teacher: "Cow, you better go with your big brother and protect him from that fairy guy in the copy room."

Flem: "Copy Fairy? Y’all just watch your wattle."

Earl: "I believe in the Copy Fairy. Some guys says he’s your parents, but I know he’s real."

(Cow moans. Cut to the copy room. Cow and Chicken enter.)

Chicken: "Yeah. Copy Fairy, my buttocks. Hey, Cow. Watch this."

(He shuts the copy machine on his head.)

Cow: "Oh, the Copy Fairy is not going to like this, big brother."

Chicken: "Ah, zip your pork trap. I do not believe in no Copy Fairy. Ha-ha!"

(He pushes a button on the machine and it starts copying Chicken’s head. Chicken lifts the top of the copy machine up and takes his bruised head out. A copy of Chicken’s head comes out of the copy machine. Chicken has a big smile on his face in the copy.)

Cow: I do not think you should do that, Chicken. The Copy Fairy will get us.

(Chicken sits on the copy machine as it whirs.)

Chicken: "Come on, Cow. It’s fun."

(A copy of Chicken’s butt comes out of the copy machine.)

Chicken: "Come on. Do your udders."

Cow: All righty."

(She shuts the copy machine on her udders, then a copy of her udders comes out of the copy machine.)

Chicken: "This is cool."

Cow: "Oh, yeah."

(Cow presses the copy button several times, then a copy of Cow comes out of the copy machine, then a copy of Chicken sticking his tongue out with a wacky smile on his face, then Cow’s face, then Chicken’s wattle, then a copy of Cow’s nose, then a copy of Cow and Chicken’s butts, then a copy of Chicken.)

Cow: "Ha-ha-ha! Moo!"

Chicken: "Ha-ha-ha!"

(The copy machine smashes open and the inside bursts into flames.)

Cow: "Oh, no! It is broken."

Chicken: "We’re meat! You got the test?"

(Cow sticks out the test.)

Chicken: Let’s go to the copy shop across town and make some copies, or Teacher will rip our lungs out!

(They run out. The Red Guy as the Copy Fairy knocks the door open and flies in.)

Red Guy: "Hello, it’s me! Should you be scared? Oh, yes, very. Ha ha! Why, you say? A-ha-ha-ha! 'CAUSE, I’M THE COPY FAIRY!" (He picks up the copy of Chicken.) "Oh, a paper chicken. Ooh, I’m going to grant you life. THAT’S JUST THE KIND OF GUY I AM!"

(He waves his wand and the copy of Chicken comes off the paper. He is black-and-white.)

Red Guy: "Hello, little copy. You can call me Mom. Well, MOM’S got to go! Ha ha ha! GOT OTHER COPY ROOMS TO HIT! Take care, little copy."

(He gets his eye stuck to a strap stuck to the wall.)

Red Guy: "Oh, no! GOT MY EYE STUCK TO ONE OF THEM NO COPY FAIRY STRIPS! I hate those things."

Chicken Copy: "I do not care what that pantsless fairy says! I am a real man!"

(Teacher arrives through the door.)

Teacher: "Chicken! I thought I told you and your 600-pound slab o’ sister to make some copies!"

Chicken Copy: "Shut your chew hole, Grandma!"

Teacher: "Aah!"

(She grabs the Chicken copy by the neck.)

Teacher: "Two words– beak washed out with soap. OK, three words."

Chicken Copy: "I got 3 words for youse– Bye!"

(He runs out.)

Teacher: "How’d I get a paper cut?"

(Cut to the Chicken copy running by the classroom. Earl sticks his head out. He is holding a bee attached to a string.)

Earl: "Hey, Chicken, it’s recess! Want to go bee-flying?"

(Cow and Chicken tip-toe out of another room.)

Earl: "Hey, Chicken! You want to go bee-flying?"

(Cut to the Chicken copy running over to the janitor who drinks out of a coffee mug that says “#1 Janitor”.)

Janitor: "Hi, Chicken."

Chicken Copy: "Hey, Mr. Minimum Wage."

(He grabs the janitor’s coffee mug and smashes it on the floor.)

Janitor: [gasps] "No!"

Chicken Copy: "You missed a spot."

(Cut to Stinko’s Copy Shop. Cow and Chicken run in.)

Clerk: "Can you be helped?"

Chicken: "Uh, I need 45 copies of this here test, R.S.V.P."

(He hands the test to the clerk.)

Clerk: "Right away, Mr. Chicken."

(Cut to school. Cow and Chicken hear the school bell ring, and the clock says 11:30.)

Cow: "Oh, we are late. Our heinies are toast. Oh, we are going to be in trouble." [singing] "Trouble, trouble, trouble fairy princess."

Chicken Copy: "You don’t know the half of it!"

(They see the Chicken copy standing next to them.)

Chicken: "Who is that ugly guy?"

Cow: "Oh, no! Two Chickens! Moo! How will I know which is which?"

Chicken Copy: "I am taking over your life, pal."

Chicken: "Oh, yeah? Try taking over my life without a beak, chump!"

(He rips the Chicken copy’s beak off.)

Chicken Copy: "Oh, yeah?"

(He slashes Chicken’s arm and gives him a paper cut.)

Chicken: "Ow! Oh, paper cut! I’m, like, almost bleeding here!"

Cow: "Moo!"

(They run off.)

Chicken Copy: "You chicken!"

(He picks up a blue paper and tears a long strip off, then puts it on his nose to make out the rest of his beak. Cut to Chicken sticking his head around a garbage can. Cow tosses several things out of her locker.)

Chicken: "Come on, Cow. Hurry up."

(Cow takes a bottle of Liquid White Away out of her locker.)

Cow: "Here it is, big brother. The Liquid White Away."

(The Chicken copy arrives.)

Chicken: "Aah! Aah!"

Cow: "Catch, Chicken!"

(She throws Chicken the Liquid White Away bottle and Chicken takes a glue stick out of it and splatters the glue in the copy’s eyes.)

Chicken Copy: "Aah! My eyes! I can’t see!"

(Cow and Chicken run off.)

Chicken Copy: "I-I-I’m visually challenged paper!"

(He picks up a Black As Sin crayon and draws Xs on his eyes.)

Chicken Copy: "It’s a miracle. I can see."

(Cut to the copy room. Cow and Chicken run in and see numerous papers strewn about. Cow sees a copy of Flem’s face.)

Cow: "Oh, Flem has been here. I hope that fairy didn’t get him."

Chicken: "There has got to be something in here we can use to fight that bad copy of me."

(The Chicken copy knocks the door open.)

Chicken Copy: "A-ha! Your wattle’s mine, Chicken!"

(Cow jumps up.)

Cow: "Aaah!"

(Chicken grabs hold of his wattle.)

Chicken: "Urrgh!"

Chicken Copy: "Hey, wait a second. What are you gonna do with that?"

(Chicken grabs Cow’s udders and shoots him with milk.)

Chicken Copy: "No, wait! Aah!"

(His arm melts off.)

Chicken Copy: "Aaah!"

(He picks up a copy of some girl’s wire-wrapped shoe and tears the shoe out and attaches it onto his arm.)

Chicken Copy: "Yeah! The shoes is on the other hand now."

(He grabs Chicken and starts pushing him toward the paper shredder. Chicken and Cow gasp.)

Cow: Ooh, the paper shredder! Aah! Look out, big brother!"

(The Chicken copy jumps onto the paper shredder and holds the screaming Chicken over the blades.)

Chicken Copy: "Once I get youse out of the way, no one will be able to tell that I is not youse, and I’m gonna sleep in your bed and tease your large sister. Ha-ha!"

(He tosses Chicken toward the shredder but he grabs hold of the machine to avoid falling into the blades.)

Chicken: "Aah!"

(The Chicken copy jumps on him.)

Chicken Copy: "Shred! Shred!"

(Cow reaches out and grabs Chicken, suspending the Chicken copy in mid-air above the paper shredder.)

Chicken: [smiles] "3 words– goodbye."

Chicken Copy: "No!"

(He falls into the blades and is reduced to a few piles of string which fall out of the paper shredder and hit the door, then land in the trash can.)

Chicken: "Hey, Cow, you saved my life."

Cow: "Oh!"

(She hugs Chicken.)

Chicken: "Aw, jeez! You know, I still do not believe in no Copy Fairy."

(They see the Copy Fairy with his eye stuck to the strap on the ceiling.)

Copy Fairy: "Ladies! I got my eye stuck to a no Copy Fairy strip. What’s not to believe? [groans] End!"

THE END