Spanking

Ah, thanks, Ryan. That was an amazing dinner.

It was amazing you paid for it. I didn't realize you had a wallet.

We wanted to pay you guys back for always helping out so much with Boyd.

That one dinner was payback for five years of watching your kid and paying for everything?

I should have ordered the steak with a side of gold doubloons.

Dad, why are you watching the wedding channel?

You got seven remotes.

I've been hitting buttons for an hour.

Well, that explains why the garage door is open.

How long has he been out?

Since right before taneesha said yes to that dress.

Did Boyd behave himself?

Oh, yes. He was a very good boy.

Oh, good.

I just had to spank him the one time.

You spanked my son?

Bud, I-I really don't think you should have done that.

Oh, it's all right. My shoulder's fine.

I-I just gave him the one quick SWAT.

What exactly happened, bud?

I told him to bring his plate into the kitchen.

He said, "make me."

And I did.

By the way, the kid broke a plate.

G-grandpa, we never hit Boyd.

That explains why he looked so surprised.

We don't control Boyd with anger and fear, okay?

We prefer a-a reward-punishment system.

They have a chart with stickers.

Nothing puts the fear of God in a kid more than a yellow frowny face.

All right, well, I inspected Boyd's behind.

This incident didn't leave any scars.

Except the fact that his dad inspected his behind.

Boyd, sweetie, grandpa bud made a big, big mistake, okay?

And we promise that no one will ever spank you again.

All right, enough with this.

I'm not a big fan of spanking, either, dad, but let's not throw all options out the window like Obama with the iranians.

"No matter what you do, we're not gonna bomb you.

"Go ahead."

Oh, really, Mike? There's a country out there that this drone-loving president hasn't bombed yet?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You can't attack him from the left.

That would mean I've got to defend him.

Okay, you know, maybe we should just get Boyd home, yeah?

I don't want to go home!

I want to watch TV with grandpa bud!

We were watching this show about bras till I pressed the wrong button.

And in case anybody was worried, this one seemed very interested.

I want to stay!

Boyd, if you cooperate, I promise we'll get you some froyo.

Froyo! Froyo! Froyo!

Look at that kid.

I remember being excited about things.

Good night, you guys. Thanks for dinner.

Yeah, thanks for dinner. Drive safe, all right?

And that is the reason Boyd has a discipline problem.

Every time he acts up, they just bribe him with sugar.

You know, I never bribed the girls or used spanking as punishment.

You know, that's just lazy parenting.

I get it, Michael.

You don't want me spanking the kid.

No, I just don't think it should be the only tool in the toolbox, like it was with Jimmy and me.

You saying that I'm a lousy father?

I didn't say "lousy." "Lazy" is what I said.

I never had to do that with the girls.

I just had to go with the look.

You get the, "oh..."

Well, that might have worked with the girls, but it wouldn't have slowed down you and your brother.

You two were hell-raisers.

Uh, can I ask you something, Vanessa?

Yes.

Does Mike pick up his socks?

You're welcome.

Honey, honey, you were a little hard on your father.

I think you hurt his feelings.

Dad doesn't have any feelings.

He's 99% gristle. The rest is fake hip.

Yeah, well, you called him a lazy parent because he... he spanked you and Jimmy once or twice.

More than once or twice.

He's the reason I can't put a wallet in my back pocket.

So you think bud crossed the line?

No, it was the '60s.

Minorities wanted their rights. Women wanted their rights.

Somebody was gonna get smacked.

You know, I occasionally spanked when the girls were little.

I know.

Does that make me a lazy parent?

I never said anything about that at the time 'cause I was afraid that you'd come after me.

Oh!

Now, you're probably gonna run into a bear out there, and they're dangerous.

So the most important thing to remember is to never, ever...

Mandy: Hey, baby.

Oh, there's my girlfriend. Excuse me.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Hi.

Well, I was shopping at the mall, and I saw something that made me think of you.

Was it that guy at the kiosk who sells cellphone cases?

Because he looks just like me.

Except he's got way more phone cases.

No. It was this.

This made you think of me?

Mm-hmm. 'Cause you're gonna look really good wearing it.

How do you know?

I got the phone-case guy to try it on.

Let me see.

[Gasps]

Oh, my God! Shut up!

Hey, I got a question for you.

Uh-huh.

How do you feel about spanking?

Well, it can spice up a relationship.

A little advice, though.

Write down your safe word.

I'm talking about spanking kids.

Thanks for that mental picture.

See, I never spanked my kids, but then again, I wasn't around much when they were small.

I mean, it would be kind of weird just to come in swinging, you know.

Never stopped bing Crosby.

My dad was watching Boyd last night.

Evidently he spanked him.

I said something about it.

And the wife thinks I might have hurt my dad's feelings.

What did you say?

I said it was lazy parenting.

And you told him he was a terrible father.

No, I didn't say that.

That's what he heard.

I think you're making too much of this.

You're saying that I'm a doddering old fool, doesn't know what he's talking about.

I didn't say that.

That's what I heard.

Mike, sometimes you don't know how you come off.

I'll have a chat with my dad.

You don't want to leave something like that hanging in the air.

You don't know how much longer he's gonna be around.

Hmm. So what you're saying is if I wait long enough, the problem will take care of itself.

Tallahassee!

What?

My safe word.

Hold the phone, Mikey.

You want to see something hilarious?

Every time you say something's hilarious, it never is.

Until now.

All right, what's the play here, huh?

Do we ignore the stupid hat so we can laugh every time we see it?

Or do we mention the hat and run the risk of him taking it off?

Sophie's choice.

Kyle, come in here, please.

You ready?

Mm-hmm.

Here we go.

Hey, Kyle. Come on in.

Sirs.

[Chuckles]

Son, maybe you can help Mike and me with a marketing problem.

Sure.

Yes, w-we need a research ambassador.

We're having trouble reaching the douchebag population.

And if you're not too busy making your special blue meth...

I get it. This is about my new ha... hold on a second. I'm not done yet.

Old-timer, you want to go down to the park and play some checkers?

I've got a good one.

Buster keaton called, says he wants his hat back.

[Chuckles]

Eh?

Boy, there was a fresh reference.

Well, I'm getting back to work.

Ed.

Kid rock.

[Chuckles]

I knew you guys would give me the business about my hat.

Mandy's really excited for me to wear it.

Yeah, of course. Of course she is.

Yeah, she's planting her flag on top of your head.

If another woman approaches you, the first thing she's gonna ask is, "where did you get the hat?"

Oh, my girlfriend gave it to me.

Oh!

That's what she's up to.

Oh, yeah. She's branded you like a cow.

That hat tells every woman on earth that this guy is taken.

It's like she's got me wrapped around her finger.

That's right, kid.

And I... Love it!

[Chuckles]

I'll take it!

Back off, girls.

Property of Mandy coming through.

Hey, you two. Staying for dinner?

No, thanks. I just had two candy bars.

Wow. Two candy bars. You know what?

That's exactly what I'm making for dinner.

Boyd, sweetie, honey, uh, why don't you run upstairs and play, okay?

Remember, mommy loves you very, very, very much!

I am the worst mother ever.

Oh, honey, stop. Candy bars aren't so bad.

Once for dinner, I fed you a handful of breath mints.

No, today I-I-I lost my temper, and I-I did something... something I never thought that... mom, I spanked Boyd.

You spanked Boyd?

What did he do?

Gave me the most profound look of betrayal I have ever seen in my life.

Why did you spank Boyd?

W-we were in the parking lot at whole foods...

Mm-hmm.

And I-I looked away for one second, and... and he ran out in front of a car, so I grabbed him and I smacked him on the butt.

I-I don't know what came over me.

Maternal instinct... that's what came over you.

Honey, you were being a very good mother.

You protected your son from death, and you bought him overpriced organic produce.

Hmm?

Don't worry about it.

I would have done exactly the same thing.

Yeah, I know you would, mom.

That's what makes it even worse.

What?

Don't you understand?

Okay, you... you hit me. I hit Boyd.

We are perpetuating a cycle of violence, okay?

Someday, Boyd will probably hit his kids.

This family will never know peace.

So... so you hitting Boyd is somehow my fault?

B-but you're a victim as much as I am.

Okay, I'm sure your folks hit you.

Kristin, I spanked you maybe a total of twice, and that's not a cycle.

That's restraint.

Hey, mom. What's for dinner?

Apparently a legacy of parental abuse.

And salad.

And if you're still hungry, there's tic tacs in my purse.

I don't really get this new diet she's on.

No, no. Mom is just upset because I confronted her about what she did to us.

Good.

Somebody needs to call her on her crap.

What did she do to us?

You know, how she used to spank us.

Spank us? You mean at scrabble?

She must have spanked me in the head, 'cause I don't remember any of this.

You're telling me mom never swatted your butts?

[Laughs] "Butts."

W-w-what about all those times that she would drag you into your room with a hairbrush?

She was brushing my hair.

You were screaming and crying.

Yeah, 'cause there were tangles.

Was I the only one mom ever spanked?

She does high-five really hard.

Yeah.

Oh, I saw her SWAT muffin once with a newspaper, so maybe you guys could form a support group!

[Sighs]

"Hello, everyone, my name is muffin, and I'm a victim of spanking."

Unbelievable.

You know, it... I... hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

There was this one time she, uh...

No, that was a hug.

[Laughs]

[Knock on door]

Hey, dad.

Son.

Knew it was you.

You're the only one that still knocks.

We have a doorbell.

Oh, forgive me for trying to save you a couple of bucks on electricity.

I left my nicotine gum here the other night.

I really need it since I switched to those light cigarettes.

So that's what that is.

I thought it was a chiclet that had gone bad.

Explains why I couldn't stop chewing it.

It's a pretty good game.

Want to stick around and watch?

I guess.

You know, the other night, when I was talking about spanking, I think you might have taken me the wrong way.

You were pretty clear.

I hit you too much.

Open that, would you?

Look... You spanked us and we knew why.

You know, you never took it too far, dad.

Well, I wasn't giving you my fastball.

I'm just saying, it was nothing we didn't deserve.

Kids shouldn't be throwing each other out windows, lighting each other on fire, or stealing a car.

You stole my car?

That's how we got the dent in the bonneville?

No.

That's where Jimmy landed when I tossed him out the window.

You did a great job raising us.

Eh.

I-I've been thinking about it, too.

I really did some damage with that hitting.

It's my fault how you turned out.

What, uh, smart, handsome, and successful?

No.

You know... Sensitive.

"Sensitive"? You mean insensitive.

Vanessa's always complaining about something.

If I were sensitive, I could tell you what it was.

Son, I was too rough on you, and as a result, you can't spank your own kids.

That's called self-control, dad.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

I know you got a lot of them.

What are you talking about?

I remember once, you wrote this poem about a flower.

What are you... it was a school project. You had to write about a flower.

But you didn't have to get an "a."

It's all right, son. I love you just the way you are.

Sensitive.

[Doorbell rings]

Got it!

Boyd: Daddy!

Ah! Oh, there's my big guy.

Hi, dude. How was your day?

We went to whole foods.

Anything exciting happen there?

What? Why would anything happen at whole foods?

Uh, I don't know.

You know, they're always doing great new stuff with soy.

Hey, do you think your mom would mind if I made myself a little sandwich before I leave?

I think she'd be shocked if you didn't.

Boyd, hey, honey.

Sweetie, come here for a sec, okay?

Listen, I was thinking, and maybe we shouldn't tell daddy about what happened today at the store.

You mean the two ladies in man clothes that were kissing?

Oh, no, no. No, honey.

T-that was beautiful, okay? And natural.

I-I mean... I mean how you ran away from me and I gave you a little spank.

You and daddy promised you'd never do that.

[Sighs]

I know. I know. And I'm sorry, okay?

But... but talking about it will probably just upset daddy, so... okay. I won't tell him.

Thank you! Oh, you're the best.

Can we get ice cream?

No, honey. It's too close to dinner.

I think you should get me some ice cream.

I said no.

Daddy!

Boyd! Hey!

You said you wouldn't say anything.

Daddy always gives me treats when he wants me to do something.

Unbelievable.

Okay, I gave you two candy bars. You said we were good.

A-and this is what comes from you constantly bribing our son.

Now Boyd won't obey me unless I give him ice cream.

Okay. All right.

Boyd, if you promise to stop asking for ice cream, daddy will get you sorbet.

What... really? Sorbet?

Well, it's not ice cream.

We cannot keep reinforcing bad behavior by stuffing this kid with sugar.

Okay, what are you trying to get him to do?

I-I don't even remember anymore.

You didn't want me to tell daddy you spanked me.

You spanked him?

You have seen your last bowl of ice cream, mister.

Kris, we said that we would never spank him.

What the hell happened? Yeah, I d... oh, she didn't tell you about our family's cycle of violence?

My ancestors landed at Plymouth rock, the lndians brought us corn, and we whacked our kids with it.

Ryan, you weren't there, okay?

He almost ran out in front of a car.

Okay, so you save him from getting hit, and then you hit him?

Uh, guys, I don't think you should be having this argument in front of Boyd.

[Sighs] Hey, Boyd, will you please go to your room?

I don't want to.

Boyd, please, just do what you're told, okay?

No.

Enough of this! Boyd, listen to your mother!

Go to your room right now!

What are you thinking about? Listen!

Hey. Whoa, dad.

Dad, was that really necessary?

Uh, actually, I think it was.

Listen, I'm only gonna say this once.

And you do not want to upset him, or he'll draw you a flower.

You're making too much out of this spanking thing.

I am not making too much of this.

People keep spanking my son.

Mahatma Gandhi once said...

Shut up!

Listen.

You didn't do anything wrong when you spanked Boyd or when you spanked kris or when you spanked me, and I didn't do anything wrong when I didn't spank anybody.

Nobody here is a bad parent.

Well, thank you, Mike.

Except you.

How do you discipline a kid with ice cream?

Our system works for our family.

But not in this family right here.

That 6-year-old is running this house right now.

Yeah, dad is completely right.

Of course he is.

He feels things more deeply than the rest of us.

Look, parenting is hard.

We're all trying to figure this stuff out as we go, and there's no book to tell you how to do it.

There are literally thousands of books.

What book do you guys parent with...

"how to raise a kid" by Ben and Jerry?

Okay, look, I'm sorry.

You know, I-I guess I just don't like disappointing my son.

I was out of his life for three years, and that just makes me want to spoil him.

Well, that's not what parenting's all about.

That's what grandparenting's about.

You're not his friend.

If your kid likes how he's being disciplined, you're probably doing it wrong.

Okay. Fine. No more bribing.

But no more spanking, either.

Agreed.

Okay, but when he does something wrong, there has to be some sort of consequence.

And he's not gonna like the consequence.

You got to be all right with that.

You know what I like about football?

That you can bring it up in the middle of a conversation that has nothing to do with anything?

There are clear rules and penalties when you break them.

Remember when the refs went on strike?

The scabs didn't know the rules, there was chaos on the field, and I lost $400 on that packers-seahawks game.

Sorry. I'm... yeah, I'm really new to football, so...

Son, you can't be afraid to throw a flag.

Boyd is looking at you to enforce the rules.

And when you do, he'll be happy.

You'll both be happy.

Okay.

Thank you both.

Nice work.

Not bad for my first try at being sensitive.

Hey!

Hey.

[Gasps]

Ooh! I like that you're wearing your hat.

Of course I am. I love it.

In fact, I got you a little "thank you for my present" present.

Oh, my God! I-it's not a hat.

I shouldn't ruin the surprise.

It might be a hat.

It's not a hat.

Oh, my God.

You went out and got me something just 'cause I got you something?

Yeah, I know I didn't have to.

No, no, no, no!

Let's, like, make this our thing, you know?

[Squealing] I'm so excited!

Oh, my God.

Hmm.

"Mandy & Kyle."

Oh, you shouldn't have.

Do you like it?

No. That's why I said, "you shouldn't have."

I knew I should have sprung for the real rhinestones.

I-I got that for you for the same reason you got me my hat.

I'm marking you as my property.

I'm branding you... like a cow.

I didn't give you the hat 'cause I wanted to mark you.

You weren't telling other girls to back off?

Well, no. I mean, I got you that hat 'cause I don't really like your style.

What's wrong with my style?

Okay, honey, the way that you dress is like, um...

Like if a lumberjack and a drifter had a baby.

And then you asked for fashion advice from that baby.

So you're saying I'm not good enough the way I am and you want to change me?

Yes.

All right! [Chuckles]

You like me so much, you want to change me!

Yeah.

I always knew I wasn't good enough, but now you can fix me.

Yes!

Yes!

So the first thing we're gonna do is return this and buy more stuff to make you amazing!

[Chuckles]

Hey, do I know you?

Yeah. Susan.

We live next door to each other.

Kyle.

You kept throwing your garbage through my window.

You thought it was a trash chute.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, the guy that lives down the trash chute.

Yeah. [Chuckles]

I really like your hat.

Thanks.

Well, I'll see you around, Kyle.

Stop by sometime.

All right.

[Chuckles]

She's pretty.

I think she's on a beer poster.

All right, should we get to the mall and turn me into a dreamboat?

Yeah, give me that hat. We're not going to the mall.

Why?

Because!

You need to save your money so you can move out of that apartment.

Could this day get any better?

I'm getting a new apartment, and I get to stop by Susan's later.