College Girl

Like this?

Yeah. It's gotta come off right when they pour it.

And then what do you say?

"Would you like some coffee with that sugar?"

Yes!

(Exhales) All right, sweetie, so what do you recommend?

Boyd likes the grilled cheese.

All right, well, then two grilled cheeses, please.

And catch of the day?

Hepatitis C.

Let's see.

How about duck I'orange...

Unh-unh.

In the shape of a hamburger?

All right.

Yo, hash slinger.

I'll take a ration of powdered eggs.

No better way to get used to military food than this dump.

Oh...

Hey, Eve, we got you an iced tea.

(Giggles, mischievous voice) Want some sugar?

Uh, nice try, small fry.

But we were trained by the same prank master.

Ah, the young. They have so much to learn.

Yeah. Fake vomit, the whoopee cushion.

The rubber snake in the toilet.

The real snake in the toilet.

You asked me to snake the toilet.

(Mouths words) Uh, hey, Dad, I need some help with my Junior ROTC competition.

Can you ask Mr. Larabee to help me with my rifle-handling skills?

Chuck Larabee. I know he's a Marine, but I think I can outshoot most of them with my eyes closed.

And you wonder why I don't go hunting with you anymore.

Well, Dad, it's not shooting.

We have to spin and twirl a rifle around, kind of like some girly cheerleader with a baton.

(Chuckles)

If I can describe it like that to Chuck, sure, I'll ask him.

Yeah, and if I make sergeant, it'll look really good on my college resume.

Hmm.

Oh, you know what? That is really smart, Eve.

Gosh, I wish Mandy had thought ahead like that.

She was rejected at practically every college she applied to. (Mike) - I know.

She's gonna be stuck going to U.C. Denver.

Well, that's not a bad deal.

Hey. Watch it.

I'm taking classes at U.C. Denver.

Yeah, sorry, I know. Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

They're not very selective, okay?

You got a warm body, you're in.

Which is also Mandy's policy.

Hey! Shh!

The kid's right here.

A-and she has the same 74% acceptance rate. (Groans)

Oh! Ah! Bam! That's what I'm talking about!

(Boyd laughing)

Very funny!

Would you like some French fries with that salt?

Oh, shh! (Laughs)

You guys! Amazing news!

I was just accepted at Laguna Beach University in California!

What?

(Mike) - What?

How did that happen?

It's a California school.

Maybe they didn't get their quota of capricorns.

(Knock on door)

(Ed) Hey, Mike, take a look at this.

Hold on a second, man.

I'm just looking at the figures for Mandy's college.

Mm.

It's, like, almost 30 grand a semester.

How do people afford this?

That's two semesters, four years-- that's almost a quarter mil. That's a big nut.

Yeah. My nut, in a vice.

Plus I got Kris at U.C. Denver, Eve's just around the corner.

That's three big nuts.

We used to have a guy in gym class like that.

(Mutters)

They got him a special cup, you know?

I just can't believe Mandy got into LBU.

Laguna Beach?

Yeah.

Well, I may have played a hand in that.

Dean of Admissions is a pal.

Why?

I don't know. I'm a friendly guy.

People are drawn to me.

No. Why did you help my daughter get into an expensive school without asking me?

'Cause I thought I was doing you a favor.

If you didn't want her going there, why did you let her apply?

Because I love my daughter.

I want the college to crush her dreams, not me.

She's a better fit for U.C. Denver.

Why's that?

Cause it'll save me 200 grand.

(Knock on door)

Hey, Mr. B. Mr. Alzate.

Yeah, Kyle. Hey, Kyle, where you been?

Oh, I got your note to restock the trout pond with cat.

Here.

"Fish."

Yeah, that would've been a lot easier.

Yeah. (Closes door)

Hey, Kyle.

Sit down. I-I gotta talk to you for a second.

Yeah.

Listen, I'm sure Mandy told you she got accepted to Laguna Beach University and U.C. Denver.

Yeah. Got accepted to two colleges?

Yeah.

Man, she's gonna be busy.

She's probably just gonna go to one of 'em-- the one in California.

How do you feel about a long-distance relationship?

Yeah, you know, distance puts a strain on everything, son.

Mm-hmm.

Like my last marriage couldn't survive a king-sized bed.

Don't worry about me and Mandy.

I mean, we know that Colorado and California are on opposite sides of the continent...

But geography means nothing to us. (Chuckles)

(Chuckles) Clearly.

Listen, I'm just surprised you're not upset about her being around all those smart, good-looking, rich guys.

Oh, yeah, yeah. They all surf and play that beach blanket bingo there.

And roast their weenies...

Weenies.

And drive their woodies.

Big woodies.

I guess, but what kind of boyfriend would I be if I asked her not to go?

Well... the kind that still has a girlfriend. (Laughs)

I just think she's so much better here at U.C. Denver.

Yeah, but there'd still be smart guys there.

I don't think she's interested in that.

Yeah.

You're right, Mr. B.

All right. I'm gonna go talk to Mandy about this whole college thing. (Mike) - Great idea.

(Sighs and laughs)

(Door closes)

You know, it just occurred to me...

Three nuts wasn't in my gym class.

I had him in history. (Scoffs)

I don't know why he showed me.

(Indistinct conversations)

Wow. You look beautiful.

Oh... (Giggles) Thanks.

Uh, Ryan, this is a really expensive restaurant.

(Chuckles) I will not be able to dine-and-dash in these heels.

Tonight, money is no issue.

And you can order any of the wines.

Wow.

A-as long as they're on this side of the page.

Uh-huh.

And from here up.

But not that one.

If order the cheapest wine, can I get three of them?

Absolutely. I just won't order an entree.

(Chuckles)

Uh, she'll have the house cab. Thanks.

(Sighs)

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah. It's just...

Mandy's moving away to California, and I'm still stuck waking up in my childhood bedroom being mocked by my "Most Likely to Succeed" trophies.

It's just hard being the oldest kid when the youngest is Dad's favorite and the middle child is, you know, the breakout star everybody swoons over.

Well...

You know, a lot of times that middle child ends up being the funny one because he wants the attention.

Jon! Hi!

(Chuckles)

Kris, it's great to see you.

Yeah, you, too.

Uh, Ryan, this is Jon Baker.

We used to wait tables together at the diner.

Yeah, we hated that place.

Mm.

So, what are you doing now?

Still hating it.

Oh.

Hey, did you ever hear anything from that deadbeat guy who took off on you and your kid?

That's right...

Uh, you never actually met Ryan.

Yeah, we're back together.

Oh, right on. That's...

Well, that's, uh, that's great.

Yeah.

So, you're finally out of your dad's house.

Oh... so enough about me. Uh... (Laughs)

You seem to be doing great.

Tending bar in a place like this?

Yeah, but, you know, I mean, owner's kind of full of himself.

Mm.

He's young, successful...

Easy on the eyes.

I'm the owner.

(Laughs)

And tonight's on me. Enjoy.

Huh?

Did you hear that?

Oh, yeah. I'm getting at least two entrees.

No, Ryan, everyone is moving on with their lives except for me.

You know, I have just got to make the leap and get my own place.

Or...

You could...

Move in with me.

Whoa.

(Chuckles) So this is why you brought me here.

Tried to dazzle me with the house cab.

It just makes sense.

You know, you could work less and take more college classes.

Come on. Let me do this.

Wow. Uh... I'm gonna have to think about this.

You might want to order me a glass of wine.

You have a glass of wine.

Check back in ten seconds.

(Mouths words)

Ten-hut!

Port... arms!

Right shoulder... arms!

Order... arms!

Okay.

There was only one little thing wrong with that.

Really? What?

Everything, maggot! We're gonna do it again!

(Panting)

Oh, no.

What did you say?!

I mean... (Deep voice) Yes, sir, Mr. Larabee, sir!

Are you a soldier or a little girl?!

Trying to be both, sir!

Well, you're doing a piss-poor job at one of them!

(Normal voice) Seriously, Eve, let me know if I'm taking this too far.

(Normal voice) No, you're really motivating me.

Lean harder on that "maggot" stuff.

Okay, well, whatever you say. Now...

(Chuck) - Present arms!

Oh. Is our neighbor still out there yelling at our daughter?

(Laughs) Yeah, it's great. And if she gets tired, we can just send one of the other girls out.

(Mandy) Ahem!

Hello, parents. Um, Kyle and I have a very important life announcement to make.

It's about LBU.

Oh, what about LBU?

Well, let 'em finish.

I think you're gonna like where this is going.

Okay, so... Kyle and I both feel like Laguna is a wonderful opportunity for me, but we don't want it to tear us asunder. (Whispers indistinctly)

Nothing more painful than a torn asunder.

Well, you know, honey, U.C. Denver is a better fit for you.

It--it really is.

Yeah. U.C. Denver? No, I'm--

I'm still going to Laguna.

But I'm going with her!

Whoo! (Both laughing)

We got it all figured out.

Yeah.

She'll go to class, I'll get a job, and we'll live someplace.

Well, you left nothing to chance there, did you, Kyle?

We need a little time alone.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, ladies, can Mike and I have the room?

No. Alone without you.

Right. We can talk anytime. Okay.

Bye, Mandy.

(Mandy) Bye.

Listen, enough fooling around.

Your mom and I don't think LBU is a good fit for you.

Yeah. Honey, you know what? The courses there-- they're much harder than what you're used to.

Mm-hmm.

Well, that's sort of the beauty of college.

I mean, for the first few years, they're basically just going over what you learned in high school.

But you didn't learn anything in high school.

So... I won't be bored.

Sweetheart, we're-- we're just worried you might have trouble keeping up.

The school isn't worried.

I mean, they obviously think that I'm smart enough.

(Inhales sharply) Ed pulled a few strings to get you in there.

So... you're saying I wasn't accepted because of my deserved-osity?

Oh, I know what this is.

You guys think that I'm too stupid to go to a good college.

No, no, honey. Honey--

Oh, stop.

Yeah.

I would never, ever say you were stupid.

You're too lazy.

Okay, so just to be clear, neither of you think that I can cut it, right?

No. No, no. Honey--

No, that has nothing--

Well, then screw college.

Who said I ever wanted to go in the first place?

No, Mandy-- Man-- (Sighs)

Really? Really? You call her lazy?

You called her stupid!

I did not call her stupid. I-I...

No, I implied it.

I didn't think she'd figure it out.

Rest of your order will be out in a minute, Malibu Barbie. (Chuckles) I wish.

Actually, I meant that as an insult.

Yeah, but where's the insult? I mean, she's got a pink convertible, her own dream house, and a sister that's optional and less popular.

Up top. (Laughs)

(Clattering)

Anyways, haven't you heard? Mom and Dad think I'm too stupid and lazy to go to LBU, so... I'm not gonna go to college at all.

Oh. That'll prove 'em wrong.

So you're not even gonna go to UCD?

Are you kidding me? Seriously, you look out the window at LBU, and you see the ocean.

You look out the window at U.C. Denver, and you see Denver.

Unbelievable.

What?

Well, Mom and Dad won't pay to send you to school at the beach, so you're just gonna bail on the whole idea?

Well--

That school is $60,000 a year.

Do you know how much that adds up to in four years?

Or more likely five.

Or six.

Not if you keep changing the problem on me.

Okay, you slacked off all through high school, Mandy.

You haven't done anything to actually deserve their support.

Who are you to talk?!

You're still living at home and you're, like, 100!

All you do is complain about being stuck in your life.

You don't do anything to change it.

Well, actually, I'm thinking about making some big changes.

Well, that's the difference between you and me.

I don't think about things.

(Scoffs) You know what?

You are right.

(Dishes clattering, tray thuds)

Carlos, I quit.

Whoa. Hey, Kristin, come on. I'm sorry.

No, don't--don't quit. You can't quit. Not now.

I have a milk shake coming.

(Chuck) Ten-hut!

Port... arms!

(Chuck) - Right shoulder...

Wow. Gotta say, that was pretty impressive.

Oh, yeah.

Hmm.

That'll scare the heck out of the North Koreans.

See all those spinnin' rifles?

Hmm.

They'll forget all about their nuclear ambitions.

(Door opens and closes)

(Boyd) Grandpa?

Hey, Boyd, I found some stuff in the garage I want to show you, okay?

Hey.

Hey, buddy, will you go upstairs for a second?

I need to talk to Grandma and Grandpa.

(Mischievous voice) Daddy, do you think you're gonna need to use the toilet?

(Clicks tongue)

Uh... (Chuckles) Eventually.

Well, be up in, like, five minutes.

Sounds like he found the rubber snake.

Now he's never gonna fall for it!

Look, it's about Kristin.

Do you guys know she's talking about moving out?

I want you guys to convince her to move in with me.

You'd have better luck asking me for my kidney.

Well, wait a minute.

Do you think she's really serious this time?

I-I don't want Kristin to move out.

I-I'd really miss her and Boyd.

Boyd? Why does he have to go?

Well, honey, she's not gonna forget to pack him.

He's not a toothbrush.

Well, Mike, where would you rather have her live-- with me, or in Five Points?

'Cause that's where she's looking at apartments.

Five Points?

Yeah. Off Martin Luther King Boulevard.

I-I guess that's all she can afford on her salary, and... I just really hate the idea of her and Boyd living in that part of town.

Yeah, that part of town. Hey, hold on a second.

Just hold that thought for a second.

Hey, Larabee, I want to ask you something.

Mike, what are you doing?

Don't do it--honey, no!

You might give us a better perspective on this.

What's up?

Ryan is worried that Kristin may move into an area called Five Points.

Five Points?

Right.

What's wrong with Five Points?

(Stammers)

Nothing. Nothing. I'm just not sure it's the safest place for her to live.

Well, I never have a problem there.

You know what I'm... saying.

There are a few rough characters.

I think I know what he means, Mike.

There are some colorful characters.

Aha.

Yeah.

Come on. Vanessa, please, help me out.

I'm kinda curious to see how you get out of this.

Well, it's just that on every corner, there's one of those check-cashing establishments.

People need their checks cashed.

And liquor stores.

People need their booze.

And pawnshops.

Well, people need used banjos.

People are very musical in Five Points.

Oh, yeah.

(Mike) Wait a minute.

This wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that Five Points is a...

"Racially diverse" neighborhood, does it?

No. No. Absolutely not. That is not what I meant.

Ahh.

Ahh.

(Both laughing)

You are so bad. (Laughing continues)

(Laughs) I'm just messing with you, son.

I'd be scared to death to live in that neighborhood.

All that check-cashin'.

Right. (Laughs)

(Laughs) Yeah, okay, that was hysterical, Mike.

But seriously, will you guys tell her to move in with me?

I don't understand why Kristin just can't stay here.

Doesn't it make more sense for Kristin to live with the father of her child?

Maybe we should find this Kristin and see what she thinks.

So everybody's down here. You having fun making big decisions about my life?

What are you so dressed up for?

Work. This is my new uniform.

They can dress up that diner all they want, but it doesn't fool my colon.

(Laughs) Look, Kris, I am putting my foot down.

I am not letting you move Boyd to Five Points.

Why is that, Ryan?

Oh, just quit it, Mike!

You're right. I-I won't be moving to Five Points.

(Sighs) Thank God.

And I'm not moving in with you, Ryan.

I-I'm sorry. I just-- I can't go from living under one man's roof to living under another man's roof.

Well, it's not another man's roof.

My building is owned by a lesbian couple.

(Laughs) Well, I found actually a really nice 2-bedroom in LoDo.

You can't afford that on your diner salary.

Yeah, that's right. That's why I quit, and I got a new job.

Really? Well, that's great, honey.

I--you're so much better than waitressing.

So, what's the new job?

Uh, waitressing.

But at a much better restaurant.

I'll be earning three times what I was making at the diner, and they're talking about making me a manager.

(Doorbell rings)

Uh...

Hey. (Ryan) Hey.

Come on in. Everybody, this is my new boss.

This is Jon Baker.

Hi.

Oh, hi, I'm Vanessa. Hi.

(Chuckles) I'm Mike Baxter.

Hey.

Man, you look familiar.

Well, you know, I used to work with Kristin.

Hmm. That's not it.

Well, uh, Jon just came by to give me a ride to my first dinner shift.

Yeah.

You know, makes sense to carpool, save the planet, right?

Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, I'm just kidding.

Environmental regulations are job killers.

Yeah.

I'm a small business owner. I know.

Whoa. (Laughs) Is that your car?

Uh... yeah, yeah.

I had it souped up a bit.

You know, for more power.

(Growly voice) Oh, yeah.

Bye.

Now, that kid was raised right.

I know how to lift a box.

I saw the way you picked it up, Mike.

Maybe you should start lifting with your legs.

Well, maybe you should stop looking at me when I'm bent over, huh?

Hey, Mike... whoa!

Um, can I talk to you guys about LBU?

Talk is cheap, unlike LBU.

Ha ha. Well...

I still think it's the right choice for me, and I'm going to prove that to you by going to U.C. Denver for a year and getting my grades up.

(Clicks tongue) That is great, sweetheart.

We are really, really proud of you.

Thanks. (Speaks indistinctly)

Plus I found out that U.C. Denver actually has, like, a really good fashion department, so I'm probably just gonna switch my major to that and then minor in Latin.

What do you know about Latin?

I love Shakira, and I'm really good at zumba.

Well, as long as you have that Latin to fall back on.

These the last of them?

Yeah.

(Sighs)

You know, you can still change your mind if you want to.

I know.

And, uh...

I actually have.

Wait, now? After we packed up the truck?

No, no, no.

I, uh, changed my mind about this.

I've decided that you are welcome to come live with Boyd and me...

If you would like.

I'm confused.

I thought you wanted to be out on your own.

There's a big difference between moving into someone else's place and someone moving into mine.

Grandpa, don't forget my book of pranks!

You know what? Let's leave that book here so when you come back, we have something to goof around with.

(Giggles)

(Ryan grunts)

Is this still gonna be my room?

Yes, it's still gonna be your room.

You know, your Grandma wants to turn this into a gym, but I said no, because I love you a lot more than she does.

(Sighs)

Hey, buddy, are you okay with this move?

I think so.

(Exhales) It's okay to be sad, you know.

I know.

I am really sad that I'm not gonna get to see you every day.

Me, too. (Groans) - Oh, kiddo.

But listen, listen.

It's gonna be even more special when you do get to spend time together, because we can just have prank day.

We can use the stuff in the back of this book.

This is an old book, you know? Here's one that's--

Here's an old-- this is an old...

Democratic trick.

A dollar bill with a string on it.

Yeah, just when you think it's yours...

(Makes whooshing sound) Right away from you, I tell ya.

Here's a fun one, though. This is an old-school--

Grab that pail. (Groans)

Get a little bit of water in the bucket.

Fish water is perfect, too.

(Chuckles)

Stand back.

Okay. Hold it.

Okay.

I know the drill.

(Mischievous singsong voice) Oh, Daddy?

Can you come up here?

(Ryan) Be up in a minute, son.

(Pail clatters)

Bam! Now that's what I'm talking about! (Laughs)