Suburban Knights

The independent movie by the members of That Guy with the Glasses.

Part 1
''The video opens up with a desolate road. A car drives by, and we're shown the driver, Bill, as he headbangs to rock music. He stops after seeing a black guy wearing leather clothes and sunglasses and holding a staff by the side of the road.''

Bill: Hey, buddy! Need a lift?

Mysterious person: In this?

Bill: Yeah, unless you can pull a plane out of your pocket. *laughs* 'Cause that'd be awesome.

The mysterious guy sighs as he enters the car

Bill: I really dig your get-up, man. It's very Matrix meets Matrix Reloaded. You ever see those movies?

The mysterious guy stares silently

Bill: That's beautiful, man. So, where you headed?

MP: Chicago.

Bill: Chicago! The Windy City! That shouldn't be too far out of the way! Let me just program this into my GPS. *grabs GPS* Get this bloody thing to work.

The mysterious person stares at the electronic devices on the car as Bill speaks the following

Bill: According to this, it should be... 2000 miles. No, that can't be right. Let me just fix this. No, I don't want to go to Lake Okeechobee. You know, my mom always said only so many times a man can drive into a lake. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me five times, shame on the GPS. Awesome! I think I got it! So what part of Chicago are you going to?

MP: You're using that?

Bill: Well, yeah.

MP: Don't use that.

Bill: Why not?

MP: Just, don't.

Bill: Dude, I get everywhere with this thing. I'd be totally lost without it.

MP: It's bad enough you have to imprison yourself in this technological deathtrap. But now you sacrifice your own sense of direction? Your intuition? Your own means of travel is determined by wires, electric highways. Circuits to destruction. You make no decisions for yourself. You hand over everything to these mechanical wonders. And for all their digital prestidigitation, you become no smarter for it. You enter this world empty, and you will leave this world... empty.

Bill: Dude, did I say something wrong or...?

MP: What do you think of the 21st century, mister...?

Bill: Bill.

MP: Bill. What do you think of the 21st century, Bill?

Bill: Well, it's alright. I mean, like, Gaga's a little weird and all, but I think it's pretty solid.

MP: You enjoy it?

Bill: Yeah.

MP: Would you swear by it?

Bill: Sure.

MP: Would you give up everything you own for it?

Bill: That doesn't make much sense. Everything I own's in the 21st century, man.

MP: No. No it isn't. There's one other thing you own the that 21st century hasn't given you. And it can be taken away. Very, very easily. Do you want it taken away... Bill?

Bill: *laughing* Dude, what are you on? 'Cause I totally want some.

''A shot is heard as the driver's window is covered in blood. The mysterious person leaves the car, and walks away as it explodes.''

(The opening credits roll, showing an image of a gauntlet with a shiny gem, swords and shields, and drawings of the Channel Awesome reviewers in costume, while playing the Suburban Knights theme.)

''After the credits, Angry Joe is seen happily walking on the streets of Chicago. He stops to talk to a man''

Joe: Hello, good sir. How are you today?

Man': Well, um...

Joe: Can't talk now! I just won a free car! *laughs and walks away*

''Joe gets to a house, and checks again his "voucher", reading "FREE CAR! 555 29th ST NONAMIA". He grins as he enters the house.''

Joe: Alright, where's that free NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

Joe continues to shout "No" as the camera shows that the rest of the Channel Awesome staff is in the living room

Joe: (after 13 no's, sounding sad) Let me guess, you guys were promised a free car too? *everyone nods* But there is no car, is there? *everyone shakes heads* It's the Nostalgia Critic again, isn't it? *everyone nods* Oh, God.

A sad Angry Joe enters the room, sitting in the couch next to Obscurus Lupa

Lupa: Don't worry, Joe. We'll get him in his sleep.

''A shot of a VHS tape reading "EPICNESS!!!!!!!" with a piece of drawn paper atop it. The Nostalgia Critic gets the paper, then the tape. Cut to the living room''

Jew Wario: Oh hey, you're Todd in the Shadows, right?

Todd: ...Yeah.

Jew Wario: *ducking* I've always wondered what you look like —a gun cocking sound is heard, and Todd points a pistol at JW—and then he backed away.

Lupa: So what kind of half-assed scheme do you think he has this time?

Film Brain: *enthusiastic* I don't know, but I'm so excited!

Lupa: Is there like some sort of medicine you should be on?

''FB gasps as he continues to smile. The Nostalgia Critic enters the room''

NC: Hello fellow reviewers of ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com! How are you today?

NC ducks as a shot is fired at him

NC: Okay, so ya figured out there's no car. I would be angry too. cut to the reviewers, showing Linkara lowering his gun But if I was to tell you the real reason that I brought you all out here, I'm afraid none of you would show.

MarzGurl: What are you talking about?

NC: The truth, my dear friends, is that I have something better than the car.

Phelous: *sarcastic* It better be a boat.

NC: I'm talking about something that can get us riches beyond your wildest dreams. Something that can make every single person in this room a millionaire.

''The door is heard opening. Spoony comes in''

Spoony: Alrighty, where's that free c- NOOOOOOOO! *starts sobbing*

NC: Spoony, Spoony, so glad you could make it! Go join your team!

A sobbing Spoony enters the room, sits in front of Lupa

Lupa: Don't worry. We'll make him pay.

NC: My friends, we are sitting on the opportunity of a lifetime. And all the answers are on this VHS. Who wants to play it?

FB: *gets up, saying enthusiastically* ME! I DO, I DO, I DO!

''As Film Brain approaches the tape, a hand grabs it. FB looks over, shocked.''

Luke Mochrie: I'll do that for you, Critic.

NC: Ah, Film Brain. I see you've met Luke Mochrie. He's a up and coming talent on the site. A real go-getter!

FB: *still shocked* Up and coming?

Luke: Yes. I'm sort of like you, only fresh and new. *Luke and the Critic laugh*

NC: So, as you can see, Luke has this one. So, if you could get out of the way there... *pushes FB aside*

Luke inserts the tape on the VHS

FB: Well, can I, um, make you some coffee, Mr. Critic?

NC: Oh, sure. That'd be great, uh...

FB: Film Brain.

NC: ...Film Brain... Yeah. Yeah, that's good. *taps his shoulder as he leaves

As the tape enters, Benzaie pops through Brad's legs

Benzaie: Oh, boy! A movie.

The tape cuts to a GNN title card

Nostalgia Chick: Well, already the credits are terrible.

NC: Don't review it! *everyone groans*

In the tape, Larry Prince shows up in GNN News

Larry Prince: New information in the disappearance of 30-year-old game store clerk Chuck Jaffers, from Gurnee. Police are revealing a strange portrait of the man that witnesses described as "emotionally troubled".

Witness: He was emotionally troubled.

Larry Prince: According to friends and family, Jaffers was apparently an avid player of the counterculture "role-playing game" Dungeons and Dragons. However, in the days leading up to his disappearance, he was heard ranting about finding a magical gauntlet called Malachite's Hand. Police suspect that the game may have driven Jaffers to insanity, and caused him to run mad into the street. Not unlike the timeless tale of Mazes and Monsters.

Spoony: Oh, that is bullshit!

Larry Prince: The actual location of Jaffers still remains a mystery. *removes glasses* Sad. Very, very sad. *puts glasses back* And now, on a lighter note, the President has been shot.

Tape ends

NC: Well?

Benzaie: So, what?

NC: The gauntlet! The magic gauntlet he was talking about!

Linkara: What about it?

NC: I've done some research on this gauntlet, and it turns out it really exists! Apparently there are some sort of ancient jewel that you place on the gauntlet that was rumored to make it indestructible!

Paw: So you think that by finding it, we can take control of its "magical" powers?

NC: Pfft, hell no! There's no such thing as magic!

Benzaie holds an angry Linkara back

NC: But if we find this thing, it could be worth a fortune. People would pay through the nose to get a look at it!

Phelous: Well, what does it matter? Even if it is worth a bundle, we have no idea where it is or how to find it.

NC: On the contrary.

''He holds the map. Everyone groans, except Film Brain, who rubs his hands.''

NC: I found the map that Jaffers made! He knew where it was! He left clues! All you have to do is just play a stupid game he created. A game that will lead us directly to the gauntlet!

Bennett the Sage shows up behind him, holding the map

Bennett the Sage: But this is all written in rhymes and riddles! How are we supposed to figure it all out?

NC: What... How the hell did you get that?!

Sage: Just getting a head start?

NC: *grabbing the map* That's the catch. As you heard on the news, Jaffers was this gigantic geek, and apparently he'd written this as a role-playing game in order to find it. Everybody has to get dressed up and act like a fantasy character in order to figure out what these riddles mean.

8-Bit Mickey: So you mean it's just a game?

NC: Well, really, the only rule is to figure out the riddles on the map. But you're more likely to figure it out if you're engulfed in some sort of fantasy character. So if you're totally in touch with wizards, dragons, and all that crap, the more likely you are to figure this out and find the treasure.

Spoony: So, it's like LARP'ing?

NC: No! That's just a bunch of dorks dressing up and fighting for a fake reward.

Spoony: While we're a bunch of dorks dressing up and fighting for a real reward.

NC': Exactly!

Todd: So, what kind of characters do we dress up as?

NC' Anything. As long as it has something to do with a quest-related fantasy world. Now, the map says here that there are two paths to it, so if we split up into two teams, that'll increase our chances of finding it!

Chick': And you honestly think this is gonna pay off?

NC': *epic music plays as he walks to the window* My friends, after all this is over, we will not only have a ton of money. But our names will also be placed in the book of destiny. Names will be remembered. Quests will become legends. And legends will become... legendary. We are standing on the threshold of greatness, of glory, and all we need to do is to take that first step. So what say you, my proud warriors of virtue? Turns around, the living room is empty

NC: Goddamnit! It's like working with a bunch of kindergarteners!

Goes to the door, screams outside

NC: HEY! IF YOU DON'T GO, YOU'RE ALL FIRED! *everyone groans* 8AM TOMORROW! BRING YOUR COSTUMES!

''He enters back. Film Brain comes with a cup of coffee.''

FB: Here you go, Mr. Critic. I got you your coffee.

NC: Get with the program, Film Brain! Luke already got me a latte!

''Film Brain looks behind him, spots Luke holding a latte, then looks at the NC, shocked. The Critic sighs and shakes his head.''

NC: You just haven't been on your A-game, have you?

Luke: Extra cream, extra sugar, Critic.

NC: *laughing* Oh ho ho, Luke. You know just what I'm lookin' for.

Film Brain crushes the cup on his hand, without breaking his smile

''It's night. After external shot of the house, cut to the Critic, who unsheathes a replica of the Master Sword from The Legend of Zelda, and practices with it before putting it back. Ma-Ti is then shown in the bedroom, holding a "card" like the one Angry Joe had.''

Ma-Ti: Critic.

NC: AAAAAAH! Ma-Ti!

Ma-Ti: Yes, it's Ma-ti! From Captain Planet.

NC: *rolls eyes* Yeah, I know. What are you doing here?

Ma-Ti: I got the message about the car!

NC: But I didn't send you a message about the car...

Ma-Ti: Huh, weird. *tosses the card* So, I hear you're putting a team together for a quest. Can I come?

NC: Um, I'd like to, Ma-Ti, really I would, but, ah... I really need you... here.

Ma-Ti: Here?

NC: Yes. To protect the children and elderly.

Ma-Ti: But there aren't any children and elderly here.

NC: That's what makes it so hard, Ma-Ti. That's what makes it so hard. You don't understand my plight.

Ma-Ti: No, I don't understand your plight.

NC: I don't even know what 'plight' means. So, let's just say we're even and go along our merry ways, huh?

Ma-Ti: But Critic, you don't have anyone to represent heart on your team!

NC: Don't you think I know that, Ma-Ti? Don't you think I'd give anything to have you on board?

Ma-Ti: Well, um...

NC: But I have chosen the life that I lead, and you have chosen the life that you lead. I know it sounds complex, even confusing, but trust me when I say that nothing will change that, Ma-Ti! Nothing will change that! Will you answer nothing's call?

Ma-Ti: Is "nothing" something?

NC: It's everything.

Ma-Ti: Wow.

NC: So help me help you help me. Let's make this happen, Ma-Ti!

Ma-Ti: Yes!

NC: Tonight!

Ma-Ti: YES!

NC: Now get out there and show 'em what you're made of, you little pop tart!

''Ma-Ti leaves the room yelling. The Critic gets the sword, then a green hood. External shot of the house''

''The following day. Shots of the neighborhood, then of the mysterious person. Cut to the Critic's house, then to the stairway outside the bedroom. A gong is heard as it opens... to show the Critic dressed as Link from The Legend of Zelda, with the Zelda overworld theme heard in the background. He goes down the stairs to the living room''

NC: Now this is a manly costume!

Joe: Not as manly as mine!

''A scared Critic jumps back. Angry Joe enters the room, dressed as Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride; a Spanish guitar riff is heard''

NC: Jesus, Joe. Don't scare me like this.

Joe: 'Allo. My name is not Joe. It is Inigo Montoya. You killed my brother. points his sword at the Critic

NC: Father.

Joe: Father. Prepare to die.

NC: Alright, very nice, Joe, but don't do that! We don't need to encourage every tights-wearing idiot to sneak in here like that.

Spoony, dressed as Gandalf from The Lord of the Rings, appears

Spoony: Fly, you fools!

A scared Critic jumps back, and Joe also gasps.

Spoony: "For I am the servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor! Dark Fire will not avail you, Flame of Udûn!"

NC: Yeah, well...

The Critic pulls Spoony's beard and lets go, which hits him

NC: Knock before you come in, Dumbledore! In fact, is anyone else already here?

The empty living room is shown

JewWario: Yes! *The Snob replies with a shush* N-No, no, no!

NC: Alright, alright, GET OUT IN HERE!

Linkara: We'd preferred if you called our names out first!

Cinema Snob: Yeah, it's more dramatic that way!

NC: *sighs* Alright, fine. Linkara!

Linkara, dressed in knight armor and with a drawn beard, shows up; the music from Camelot is heard

Linkara: I must remind you, Critic, that I am a civilized man with occasional lapses.

NC: What are you, some sort of Monty Python sketch?

Linkara: I, good sir, am King Arthur, as played by Sir Richard Harris.

NC: Actually, I don't think he was knighted.

Spoony: Kind of ironic...

Linkara: In the greatest movie ever made, Camelot.

Spoony: What's the Elvish word for prat?

Linkara: Have at thee!

He rushes at Spoony, but their fight is split by the Critic

NC: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Save it for Broadway! Alright, now where's the Nostalgia Chick?

''A bright flash blinds the boys. The Lord of the Rings music is heard, as we are shown the Chick dressed as Arwen.''

Chick: *speaks in Elvish-sounding words* (Subtitles: "Greetings unattractive mortals.") Linkara: What'd she say?

Chick: *"Elvish"* (Subtitles: "I am Arwen, daughter of King what's-his-name from those Matrix movies.")

Boys: What?!

Chick: Read the damn subtitles!

Boys: "*look down* Ohhhhh!

The score of Conan the Barbarian is heard as Benzaie, dressed as Conan himself, appears

Benzaie: Crom! Ask me what is best in life!

Joe: Okay, what is best in life?

Benzaie: To crush the enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women. Present company excluded.

Chick: *"Elvish"* (Subtitles: "It's cool")

NC: I like it! A Frenchman playing an Austrian! It'll confuse the enemy! Very good! Ah, who else there? Um... Sage!

''Lion roars are heard. Sage, dressed as a lion, appears to Narnia music''

Sage: Greetings, sons of Adam, daughters of Eve. I am King Aslan.

Everyone laughs at him

Sage: Oh, shut up!

NC: *laughing* I don't know, Ass Man! I don't think you've got the nerve!

Spoony: "Oh, grrr!"

Sage: Come on, guys! Stop laughing!

Phelous: You're probably not gonna like my costume, then...

Everyone stops laughing and turns back to see Phelous dressed in a gray suit with blobs

NC: What the... Phelous, is that you?

Phelous: No, it's the Rockbiter!

NC: You look like a steroid elephant turd.

Phelous: *holding two dolls* Well, my little friends think I look good, don't you? These are my little friends. They've come to help stop the Nothing! Say hello to my little friends!

Everyone is staring silently

NC: Very nice. Anyway, I-

Phelous puts the dolls up to the Critic's face

Phelous: I said "Say HELLO!"

NC: *nervously pats one* Hello, inanimate objects.

Phelous: *taking the dolls away* They'll be watching you.

Dramatic music plays as the Critic has a stunned expression; he recomposes

NC: Marzgurl! Where is MarzGurl? *a dog bite is heard* OW!

MarzGurl, dressed as San from Princess Mononoke, raises as the music of said movie plays

MarzGurl: *speaks Japanese* (subtitles: "I am Princess Mononoke, half woman, half wolf. Daughter of the great Wolf God, Gillian Anderson!")

MarzGurl bites the Critic's arm, and he flings him off by beating on her with his sword

NC: Ow, ow, ow! Okay, alright! You're an animal rights nut! Geez!

Harry Potter music plays as Luke enters, dressed as Harry

Luke: Expecto tarobitussin! Magic is in the air!

Film Brain enters, also dressed as Harry

FB: Hey! You copycat! I was going to be Harry Potter!

Luke: Says who?

FB: Says me!

Luke: Yeah?

FB: Yeah!

MarzGurl: *Japanese* (subtitles: "Silence!")

NC: Hey, hey, hey! We got two Lord of the Rings and possibly two Narnias!

Chick: What?

NC: Well, you do kinda look like the older sister. Everyone agrees So we can have two Harry Potters!

FB: But he shouldn't even qualify! I'm authentic British!

Luke: Yeah, well, I'm Canadian!

FB: That's as British as being Turkish, you tit!

Luke: What are you talking aboot?

FB: It's "about," you twat!

NC: Stop it, stop it! As far as I'm concerned, you both look equally stupid!

FB: But I look more stupid, right?

NC: OH YEAH!

Film Brain nods his head at Luke

NC: Right. Now, where's Cinema Snob?

The Indiana Jones theme plays as Snob is revealed to be dressed as Indy

Snob: "Too bad the Hovitos don't know you like I do, Critic."

NC: Oh, come on, Indiana Jones? That isn't fantasy.

Snob: It's quest-based, so it counts. Anyways, he survived a nuclear explosion in a refrigerator. If that's not fantasy, then I don't know what is.

NC: *sighs* Alright, fine. Where's Obscurus Lupa?

Harps play as Lupa, dressed as Snow White, shows up

Lupa: "Oh, some day my prince will come!"

NC: No, no! What's wrong with you people? It's fantasy-based, not fairy tales!

Lupa: Oh, yeah, I forgot. Fairy tales are so based in reality. I mean... *puts hands on chest, talks in softer voice* reality!

8-Bit Mickey enters, dressed as Peter Pan, to the score of said movie

Mickey: It's all about giving in to the dreams of your imagination!

NC: Holy fuck, what is that?

Mickey: I am Peter Pan, the little rapscallion who will never grow up.

NC: Well, I can clearly see that.

''The music stops as Mickey drops his sword and tries to hit the Critic - Lupa and the Snob hold him back. Paw, dressed as Profion from Dungeons and Dragons, shows up behind the Critic''

Paw: "Good, good! I can use every ounce of your rage!﻿ Aht-aht-aht-aht-aaaaaah!

Luke: Oh my God, you're Jeremy Irons from Dungeons & Dragons?

Paw: *touches Luke's face* Good, does that upset you? I can use every ounce of your anger! Aht-aht-aht-aht-aaaaaah!

Luke: *scared* I don't wanna ride with him.

A Spanish guitar plays as Todd, dressed like the Dread Pirate Roberts - but with his eyes covered - enters

Todd: Hey guys, check me out! 'Tis I, the Dread Pirate Roberts!

Everyone stands silent

Todd: From The Princess Bride! silence remains It's Todd.

Everyone': OHHHHHH!

Handsome Tom enters, wearing a red wig

Tom: How's this?

NC: Oh, hey Tom! You're...

Tom: I'm Willow.

NC: ...Of course! Okay, well, there's only one person missing. Where's JewWario?

Gong is heard as JewWario enters, dressed as Jareth from Labyrinth

JewWario: Apologies. I was busy doing my dance magic dance.

NC: Oh my God. It's David Bowie from Labyrinth.

Mickey: Does that mean he's got the...

''Cut to JewWario's huge codpiece. All the men react in disgust... but Lupa, the Chick, and Marzgurl get happy''

JewWario: I can't help if I want to *pelvic thrust* flaunt what I've got.

After another disgusted reaction shot...

NC: It's like a dead ferret!

...Lupa, MarzGurl and the Chick cling on JewWario

Chick: Hello. I'd suddenly like to get to know you better.

JewWario: Oh, most certainly. Here, would you like to hold my ball?

Chick: YES!

NC: Ladies!

The girls leave JewWario, as the Suburban Knights theme plays.

NC: Alright! You all look epically ridiculous! Now this is the kind of team that's gonna get us riches!

Everyone: Hooray!

NC: Okay everybody. Let's get started!

Everyone is in a field

NC: According to this map, this is the only point that's identified as the starting point of the game. Right in this field. By God, it's a beautiful, desolate wasteland, isn't it?

Benzaie: Uh, not really. There are houses around us. Even some cars over there.

Car drives by

Car driver: *honking* Get a job, hippies!

NC: Well, it doesn't matter. This as a starting point is a great place to start! Linkara, where's your beard?

Linkara: I ran out of Sharpie!

NC: Well, it doesn't matter. According to this map, there's two paths to get there, so I'm going to split you up into two teams. Um... Let's call *points* this side team 1, *points* and this side team 2.

Lupa and the Chick get sad and cling on JewWario

Lupa: But... We wanna go with him.

NC: Get over there!

Lupa and the Chick and angry and let go, while MarzGurl immediately clings to JewWario, who smiles.

NC: Now, I made a Xerox copy of the map for myself - I still ripped it up so it looks all cool - and so the original map I am giving to you guys.

The Critic gives the map to Spoony

Spoony: Thank you, Master Critic. May the light of Eärendil shine ever upon you.

NC: Shut up. *epic music plays* Alright, people. We are on the verge of a great adventure! If we pull this off, our names will be placed in the history books for all time to come!

Ma-Ti: HEART!

Ma-Ti comes in

Ma-Ti: Critic! I thought I could be of some help!

Everyone: Um...

The Critic walks to Ma-Ti

NC: Ma-Ti, it's not that we don't want to use you because your powers are totally and completely useless.

Sage: It's not? Lupa elbows him

NC: It's just that... there's so much more that can be done here!

Ma-Ti: Like what?

NC: Um... Ah...

Chick: Oh! My contact lens fell out!

NC: Her contact lens, Ma-Ti! She lost her contact lens!

Ma-Ti: Oh, geez, that's terrible!

NC: Yes. And we need somebody here to look for it, so...get on that. pushes Ma-Ti to the ground

Ma-Ti (with his face on the ground): You are a true friend.

NC: No talking while you're searching. *unsheathes sword as the epic music plays* Now, for everyone else, you will remain in your two teams, and we will find treasure! But first, I think it would be a good idea if we go over that hill to show the unity of our fellowship.

Todd: Why? *the music stops, and restarts every time the Critic starts talking*

NC: Because it will symbolize our unity, even though we are breaking our fellowship.

Phelous: Why would we want to do that?

NC: It will strengthen our bonds as we-

Mickey: How's bondage gonna help us?

NC: *annoyed* In our darkest hour, we will always-

Linkara: But it's daylight!

NC: But when something really bad is going down-

Paw: Like what?

NC: *very annoyed* The trailer, okay?! We're doing it for the trailer!

Everyone: OHHHHH!

NC: Okay. Line up!

Everyone gets in a line

NC: Begin epic pose!

Epic music plays as they walk, one by one: The Nostalgia Critic, Benzaie, The Nostalgia Chick, Obscurus Lupa, 8 Bit Mickey, Phelous, Bennett The Sage, Handsome Tom, Linkara, Angry Joe, The Cinema Snob, Paw, Marzgurl, Film Brain, Luke Mochrie, Spoony, ToddInTheShadows and JewWario.

NC: AND SPLIT!

''Joe, The Snob, Paw, MarzGurl, Film Brain, Luke, Spoony, Todd, and JewWario run by the screen. Cut to a distant shot of both teams parting ways. Spoony drops his hat and comes back to get it''

Shots of trees, then of three cloaked figures in a field holding swords.

Part 2
''The Nostalgia Critic and his group make their way along a trail through a forest. The Critic reads the map as they walk along.''

Handsome Tom: Are you sure you're reading that thing correctly?

NC: I think so. It says, “Five hundred steps into northern siege, you'll enter a field that is filled with trees.” Only forest reserve that's around that distance, so this has gotta be it.

8-Bit Mickey: Well, I, for one, am glad to be on this team. After all, it is the team with the most imagination! Isn't that right, Critic?

NC: *in a disinterested manner* Hm? Oh, yeah, uh. Oh, ah, magical...

Phelous: Well, at least my little friends are having a good time. *speaks to toys* Aren't you, little friends?

8-Bit Mickey: You know, Phelous, I gotta admit. I think you may be getting into character a little too much.

Phelous: What do you mean?

8-Bit Mickey: Well, it seems like you really think... they're alive.

Phelous: But they are alive! They're more alive than YOU!

''Mickey looks at him awkwardly for a moment as creepy music plays. Afraid, Mickey moves away from Phelous toward Benzaie.''

Benzaie: Fear not, Tinker Bell. The power of Crom will protect you.

''Benzaie puts his hand on Mickey's shoulder, though Mickey looks reluctant to accept his help. Meanwhile, Obscurus Lupa converses with the NC at the front of the group.''

Lupa: And into what willowing wood of bird and deer have we so sojourned?

NC: ...What?

Lupa: Where are we going?

NC: Oh. Uh, it's sort of hard to follow. It says, “To follow the path without any fail, just follow the one that has the best tale.”

Lupa: You mean, like... one of these paths has a story or something?

NC: I don't know. Just keep your eyes peeled.

Lupa: Alright, well, I'm gonna go back there being all enchanted and shit.

Lupa moves away from the Critic and moves whimsically among the group.

Linkara: Well, if there's anything a good king knows, it's how to keep moral up! Come, come, chaps! Let us sing a song of days gone by!

The group groans at him.

Linkara: Oh, come on, I'm sure you know this old one! *singing* A law was made a distant moon ago here---

Chick: *holding her head* Knock it off. I've got a migraine over here.

Linkara: *singing* Into the woods! Into the woods! Into the woods---

NC: Andrew Lloyd Fucker, knock it off with Spamalot over there!

Linkara: *singing * You're the one that I want! Woo hoo hoo---

''Benzaie knocks Linkara on the back of the head, knocking him down. ''

Benzaie: Crom laughs at your show tunes! Somebody carry him!

''The group declines. From the ground, Linkara continues to sing, albeit off key now.''

Linkara: *singing* Popular, I'm gonna be popular...

''As the group walks along, Bennett stops for a moment and notices something in the woods. He calls to the group.''

Bennett: Look, yonder nerdlings! Our tale has begun!

''He points to what looks like an animal's tail hanging over a log. The NC comes over to Bennett to investigate and Linkara rejoins the group while rubbing the back of his head.''

NC: What?

Bennett: That black speck over there.

NC: What about it?

Bennett: It looks like the tail of an animal, does it not? Perhaps that was the tail the map was referring to.

NC: Nah, that can't be it.

Bennett: Critic. The path to enlightenment is the enlightenment of the path.

NC: Yes, and the way to pain is to nail you in the 'nads.

8-Bit Mickey: No, he's right! That does look like a tail. *looks at Bennett* And we should nail you in the 'nads! *looks toward the tail* But we should go that way first.

Phelous: *nods, consulting his toys* My friends agree!

NC: Well, even if it was a tail, what kind of animal could it possibly be connected to?

''The tail swiftly moves and the animal turns around, revealing a puppet that looks vaguely like a cat. The creature speaks as the group moves toward it.''

Cat: Halt, puny mortals! I am the defender of this path!

NC: Oh my God, we're in a Lamb Chop Sing-Along.

Cat: Do not underestimate me! I know what it is you seek. You are searching for a power greater than any weapon man has ever known! A power that could destroy all mankind!

8-Bit Mickey: Well, he IS funnier than Jeff Dunham. You gotta give him that.

Cat: You are seeking a power known as Malachite's Hand.

The group looks stunned and confused.

NC: How'd you know that?

Cat: Never you mind. Only those who truly know the value of its power may find it. Only those who are true of heart can unmask its secret and unwield its enchanted magic.

Chick: Doesn't the fact that it's magic already make it enchanted?

Cat: Silence! You are not worthy or destined for its power!

NC: What's your name, beast?

Cat: I am a creature of the ancient world simply known as... Cat.

The group scoffs at the creature.

NC: Cat?

Cat: Yes.

NC: That's your actual name? Cat?

Cat: Pretty much, yes.

Linkara: What, it took you a whole two seconds to come with that?

Bennett: Yeah, a third grader could come up with that.

NC: I know! You'd think for a creature of the “ancient world” he'd have a more creative name than “Cat!”

Cat: What? It's straightforward and self-explanatory!

Lupa: It's self-explanatory that you are an idiot!

Cat: Hey! I don't have to take this!

NC: What are you gonna do, start The Muppet Show?

Cat: You can't talk to a servant of the ancient world that way! I demand respect!

NC: Yeah, whatever. *turns to Benzaie * Conan, go cut his balls off.

Benzaie: Right! I will crush the pussy!

Cat: I warn you! I am a demon of another realm!

Benzaie: Die, timid beast!

''Suddenly, the puppeteer controlling Cat gets up, still using the puppet, and starts punching Benzaie in the stomach. ''

NC: *turns to his group * Come on! He needs our help!

''They draw their weapons and advance on the puppeteer. The puppeteer moves forward, punching out the Nostalgia Critic, Linkara, Phelous, and Handsome Tom. He uses the puppet Cat to bite Mickey's nose. Meanwhile, Lupa faints nearby. As Mickey struggles with Cat, Phelous advances on the puppeteer.''

8-Bit Mickey: It's eating my face!

Phelous: Rock Biter smash!

''The puppeteer moves swiftly, grabbing onto Phelous' nose with his free hand. ''

Phelous: Ow! He's got my nose!

The Nostalgia Critic springs up, yelling, and charges at the puppeteer.

Phelous: Who does that?!

''As the NC gets closer, the puppeteer moves Mickey and Phelous in front of him, blocking the NC's attack at the last moment and forcing NC to knock out his colleagues. ''

NC: Oh, sorry!

''The puppeteer punches out the NC again. Using Cat, he looks to his left and spots Bennett. The two start roaring and hissing at each other before the puppeteer steps on Bennett's foot hard. As Bennett flails in agony, Cat looks away and runs into the stomach of Handsome Tom. He looks up at Tom as Tom looks down at him. ''

Handsome Tom: I'm Willow.

''After a moment's pause, the puppeteer hits Tom in the stomach with Cat causing him to double over in pain. Meanwhile, the NC moves over to Linkara and the Nostalgia Chick.''

NC: I can't believe this! We're losing to a demented after school special!

''The puppeteer holds Benzaie by the neck as he fends off Phelous, Bennett, Mickey, and Tom. ''

Benzaie: I want my big... muscular... mommy!

Linkara: We must think of something, and think of something quickly! That kitty's dynamite!

Chick: Perhaps I could distract him with my Arwen montage!

NC: Your what?

Chick: Watch and observe.

''The Nostalgia Chick moves forward toward the puppeteer. He stops what he's doing, dropping Benzaie, and staring at her. The Chick waves her hands in front of her, causing the scene to brighten. Then, fades of various trees along with various points of view shots of the Chick are shown. ''

Chick: *During the fade outs, she at first speaks Elvish, which is not understood by the viewer, however she also sticks some pop culture references in her whispered speech* Chickety China, the Chinese chicken. Have a drum stick and your brain stops tickin'.... Well, I done seen about everything... 'til I see an elephant fly...

As the puppeteer stands still, looking around in confusion, the Chick uses her distraction and punches him, knocking him out.

Group: HOORAY!

Bennett: Right, Nostalgia Chick!

8-Bit Mickey: Yeah, I've never seen someone over-romanticize a bunch of nothing so well!

The Chick looks modest.

NC: Oh! Speaking of which...

The group gathers around the fainted Lupa.

Benzaie: Is she alright?

NC: I don't know.

Bennett: *ducking down toward Lupa* Maybe she needs mouth to mouth.

NC: *stops him* Hey! That's my job. *smirking, he crouches toward Lupa*

Linkara: *stopping NC* Hey, hey! She's coming around.

Lupa's eyes flutter open and she puts her hand to her head, letting out a soft moan.

NC: Yeah, way to puss out on us, Lupa.

Lupa: Oh, I... must have swooned...  I was just trying to stay in precious character.

NC: Yeah, well your “pwecious character” is starting to become a real pain in the ass.

Lupa grabs the NC's tie swiftly and hauls herself to her feet, looking angry.

Lupa: Alright, listen here, you skirted little green fairy!

8-Bit Mickey: Ha! It's funny 'cause it isn't me.

Lupa: I wanna find this treasure just as much as anybody else. So, why don't you keep to your funny little leprechaun character and I'll keep to mine. Got it?!

''Lupa walks away from the Critic in a huff. He looks back at her.''

NC: Well, excuuuuuuse me, princess.

The rest of the group looks at the Critic, appalled.

NC: Yeah... Yeah, that did sound douchey. Promise me you'll never let me do that again.

Everyone: Promise!

NC: 'Kay. Onward to adventure!

As the group moves onward, Linkara speaks up.

Linkara: You know everybody. I say this calls for a song! *singing* The phantom of the opera is---

The sound of a sword unsheathing is heard and Linkara stops singing.

Linkara: I'll be quiet.

''Meanwhile, the other group walks along a path by a field. Spoony leaps to the head of the group.''

Spoony: Ride, my fellowship, and show us the meaning of haste! For the markings suggest that salvation lies yonder, on the very slopes of Mount Doom!

''The group looks confused for a moment. Todd in the Shadows speaks up.''

Todd: He says go that way. *points forward*

Group: Oh...

Paw: Ah. This forest has so much history to it. And so much rage! Feed me your rage, forest! H-tgh-tgh-tgh-tgh!

Joe: I am concerned about Paw. He's got this Woody Woodpecker thing of the undead going on.

Paw: *talking to some twigs*  Feed me your rage, forest! H-tgh-tgh-tgh-tgh!

Film Brain taps Luke's shoulder as they walk behind the group.

Film Brain: Listen, Great White North. I know you think you're hot shit around here, but let's make one thing clear. Mr. Critic is mine, do you understand?

Luke: Well... I'm just working hard like any other person who loves his job.

Film Brain: *mockingly* “I'm just working hard like any other person who loves his job.” I know your game, Luke Canuck. You are a speck. And I don't even notice you because that's how insignificant you are!

Luke: Well, if I'm so insignificant, why are you bringing this up?

Film Brain: ...You're a pea.

Luke: ...Did you just call me a pea?

Film Brain: *holds up to fingers close together * This is you. And you're screaming to all the other peas, “Oh, save me! Oh, save me! He's going to eat me!” But I've already eaten the other peas. Om nom nom nom! Hahahahahaha!

Luke: Wow. That's a lot of peas.

Film Brain: Yeah.

Luke: And... I'm just full of them.

Film Brain: Right.

Luke: I am totally full of pea-ness.

Film Brain: You got it.

Luke: So... What are you gonna do?

Film Brain: I will eat your pea-ness!

''The rest of the group, having heard only Film Brain's last remark, looks back in shock and disgust. Film Brain back pedals his words as if his life depended on it.''

Film Brain: Oh, n-no no no no! I didn't mean that! I didn't mean that! It's just---

Joe: Yeah, whatever! You go to the back!

Film Brain: I'm... already at the back.

Joe: Go back further!

''Film Brain slows his walking, sulking a little behind the group. At the front of the group, JewWario is playing with his crystal ball. Cinema Snob talks to him.''

Snob: So what kind of weapon is a ball?

JewWario: Oh, it can be used for many things! You can use it to throw it at your enemies, or distracting them with it's whimsical dance.

Snob: Hypnotizing them with its cheap novelty?

JewWario: Alright, smart ass, what is your secret weapon?

Snob: I use what all tough heterosexual men use. A whip. *holds up a belt*

JewWario: ...A whip?

Snob: Yes. Ain't no one gonna mess with a man holding this.

JewWario: ...That's a belt.

Snob: I know. They wouldn't let me carry a weapon on the plane, so it's a whip now.

JewWario: *mockingly* Oh, well it certainly is terrifying.

Snob: Hey, I can whip a half a dozen school childrens' ass with this, so shut up!

JewWario: *still mockingly* Oh, you mean like your son, Shia LaBeouf.

Snob: ...You belong in a museum!

''As the group walks along, MarzGurl suddenly stops, bringing up her hand to signal the others to stop and accidentally hitting Todd. ''

MarzGurl: *speaks in Japanese *  (in subtitles: I smell something in the air.)

JewWario: Well, that didn't sound like Claire Danes.

MarzGurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: Silence!)

MarzGurl sniffs the air, as if searching for something.

MarzGurl: *in Japanese * (subtitles: We're being followed.)

''The group looks around, confused. Spoony steps forward.''

Spoony: Yeah, look, hun. We no speaky the Miyazaki. If only you spoke the tongues of Elves or Men!

MarzGurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: There!)

''MarzGurl points ahead of the group at a trio of figures in cloaks brandishing swords. This is the same trio seen at the end of the first part. ''

Spoony: Ah!

The figure in the middle lowers his sword and speaks to the group.

Cloak 1: Greetings, travelers. We are the guardians of Malachite's Hand.

Film Brain: Guardians?

Cloak 1: Yes, there are several of us! All dedicated to keeping those who are not worthy from discovering its true power.

Joe: Hey! We're worthy!

JewWario: Yes, would someone unworthy be wearing something as magnificent as this?

Snob: Or carry a belt?

Cloak 1: If you knew what was best for you, you would turn around and never return.

Spoony: *stepping forward * Let me speak to them. *to the guardians * What do they call you guardians of old?

Cloak 1: We have been named... The Cloaks.

Luke: Why do they call you that?

Todd: Well, obviously because they like wearing go-go boots. What do you think?!

Cloak 1: Turn around now, friends.

Cloak 2: Yes, turn around now!

Cloak 3: Turn around before it's too late!

Spoony: Right! *brandishes his staff*

Cloak 1: I thought we agreed I was going to do all the talking.

Cloak 2: Sorry.

Spoony: There's only one way to handle this!

''Spoony reaches a hand in his bag at his side. Paw comes up behind him.''

Paw: What's that you have there?

Spoony: Something no wizard should be without!

Paw: Can I have some?

Spoony: No!

Spoony walks up to the head of the Cloaks.

Spoony: Oh, they might seem mighty, but their power is nothing more then mere fool of a tookery compared to the power of a lightning bolt wielded by an Ishtari!

Todd: *whispering to JewWario* I think that means he's angry.

Spoony: Come, noble warriors! Face the wrath of the master mages!

Spoony takes his hand out of the bag and throws two small baggies at the head of the Cloaks.

Spoony: Two magic! Two magic!

Both groups stand in an awkward silence.

Spoony: Well?

Cloak 1: Well what?

Spoony: That was bird seed!

Cloak 1: Yes?

Spoony: You're supposed to... fall down now, and raise your hands above your head and run back to the supervisor saying you're dead!

They don't move, staring in confusion.

Spoony: Okay, I think I see what the problem is.

He hands his staff to one of the Cloaks to hold as he takes off his hat and moves his beard.

Spoony: Okay, looky here, fanboys. You guys are probably from what, the, uh, that World of Darkness game? Doing the Rock, Paper, Scissors thing? Okay, seriously, lame! Amateur! That's basic level D&D, guys. We're doing the bird seed thing today, okay? I hit you with the packet, I say “two magic,” I hit you with the packet, I say “two magic,”  lay down on the ground, twitch, and just pretend like you're a hamster, right? Unless you guys are, like, are any one of you guys like a support class, like Warlord or Cleric?

The Cloaks stand in silence.

Spoony: It doesn't matter. Anyway, I hit you. Two magic. So, now you go down.

''Spoony attempts to push the cloaked figure to the ground. The figure doesn't move.''

Spoony: Come on, now, let's not be childish about this. Okay? *He keeps shoving, to no avail.* Hngh! Ungh! Okay, easy, we can do this! Hurk! Down! Eh! Eh! Ugh! *He finally gives up. * Ugh! Okay! Okay! If that's the way you guys wanna play it, I'm simply gonna have to report you guys to the game master. You guys are in serious trouble. You guys are never gonna play this game again, you know.

''The head Cloak lets out a ferocious roar as lightning flashes out of nowhere. Spoony opens his mouth and stares in terror.''

Spoony: You know... I've suddenly decided I'm terribly afraid of you.

Spoony puts his beard back on, takes his staff back, and grabs his hat, running back to his group while screaming.

Spoony: This power is beyond any of you!

Joe: *stepping forward *  Stand aside, my friends. Let me handle this.

Joe takes out his sword, aiming it at the Cloaks.

Joe: 'Allo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my mother---

Cloak 1: Father.

Joe: Somebody! Prepare to die!

Paw: Don't worry, Montoya! I will help you in your time of crisis! H-tgh-tgh-tgh-tgh!

''The head Cloak hands his sword to one of his colleagues and swirls his hands in front of him, summoning a lightning bolt in front of him. Once he's gathered enough of a charge, he throws it at the group. They all dodge and duck out of the way just in time and the ball of lightning explodes in the background.''

Paw and Joe: Holy shit!

Todd: Wet yourselves and run!

''The group makes a hasty retreat and the three Cloaks pursue. The man in black from the beginning of the first part watches from a distance.''