Hair Today, Goon Tomorrow

El bateador va al bate. Para los Seattle Mariners, numero veinticuatro, Ken Griffey Jr. (IMITATES CROWD CHEERING) (ALARM SOUNDING) Eric, you were doing it again. What, the Jenny McCarthy dream or the Spanish baseball announcing? Beisbol. Good. Jenny's starting to get needy. Tell you something, Cory, you hit a certain age, you are afraid to go to sleep at night. I'll tell you something else, Eric, you hit a certain age, you're afraid to wake up in the morning. You're avoiding the mirror again. No, I'm not. Listen to me, Cory. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to look at yourself, my friend. Come on. Aw, man. It's me. Come on, Cor. Every teenager goes through this gawky, awkward, hate-what-they-look-like phase. Well, what about you? Yeah, you think that, baby. Listen to me. Why don't we stick with the problem that is your head, all right, my friend? Now, for the next few years, you're gonna be growing into your look. Everybody understands that. Nobody's gonna give you a hard time about it, okay? Hi, I'm Cory, and for the next three years, I'm gonna look like a potato. Morgan, you wanna get out of here? No. The child speaks the truth. I, Cory Matthews, am a po-ta-to. I'll just take that, Mr. Matthews. Now I got no pipe. Yes. Fine. You're perfect. Now, can we get out of the hallway where everyone can see me? Hold on. Just need to get a little more hair in my eyes. You know I hate that. Also good. Also good. Also good. Move! Whoa, whoa. Cory, Cory. Come on. Come on. You're gonna cut your fingers. You're right. I'm overreacting. It's just that between you and Eric, I feel like I'm surrounded by people with perfect hair. Hi, Cory. No need to explain this relationship, is there? What are you guys talking about? Nothing. I'm just a little insecure today, but I'm sure it'll pass. Hey, Topanga. Hey, Dylan. So, you wanna go out this weekend? Of course not. I'm going out with Cory. Oh, you're still with him? I figured you'd have dumped him over the summer. Would you please leave? Yeah, but if you do decide to dump him, here's my card. "Locker number 168. " Huh. That's a nice locker. Look, Cory, it's just some guy asking me out. It's no big deal. Well, it's no big deal to you because you're the askee. And why are you the askee? You're always the askee because you are gorgeous. Well, thank you very much, but give me some credit. I know guys go out with girls because of how they look. But you go out with me because of who I am inside. (BOTH CHUCKLING) The only reason you think I'm good-looking is because you care about me. That was one too many. It wouldn't matter what I looked like. You'd still think I was pretty. Yeah, but, Topanga, I mean, this is easy for you to say. You don't have a nose that takes up half your face and hair like a Brillo pad. Come here. What? You saw suds? First of all, I love your face, and I love your hair, but most of all, I love you because of who you are. And I hope you love me because of who I am and not because of my face and hair. Cory. Topanga, if I looked in the mirror every morning and saw what you see, I'd feel real good about myself, too. Oh, so you think that's it? You think what gives me all my confidence is my face and hair. And the fact that they're perfect, yeah, I think that puts a little spring in your step. Oh, yeah? Well, here's what I think. Words, Topanga. Use your words. Well? Am I any different now? Well, somewhat less predictable. But, no, you're right. I'd love you no matter what you looked like. Good. Glad you learned something. She's gonna scream now. (SCREAMING) It's okay. It's okay. It's just a little hair. It has nothing to do with who I am. I am still Topanga Lawrence, and nobody who cares about me will even notice, right? Mr. Matthews. Mr. Hunter. Ooh. What the heck happened to you? Mr. Feeny, I've cut my hair in an attempt to show Cory that physical appearance is secondary to inner beauty. A-ha. Well, in that case, Miss Lawrence, I applaud your attempt at teaching a very valuable lesson during these extremely vulnerable teenage years. You think I'm ugly! Nice going, Feeny. Man coming in. Man coming in. I'm not looking. I'm just here on business. Now I'm taking my arm down. You'll probably want to scatter. Go ahead. Scream. Scatter. Make a big scene. See, 'cause I'm a boy. Hey, how come you guys get a couch? Sometimes we need to lie down. You see, that's where guys are different. We're in, we're out. We don't like to linger. Look, Cory, I'm having some problems right now, and I'd really like to be alone. Well, I'll be alone with you. Look, you don't have any problems. I mean, look at yourself in the mirror. You're still beautiful. I can't look in the mirror. Topanga, you were right. It doesn't matter to me what you look like. It only matters to me who you are. See, that's my problem, Cory. I thought I was someone who thought that appearance didn't matter, but that was only because I was comfortable with my appearance all this time. But now I'm not. How shallow can I be? You are not shallow. You're deep. You're the deepest, most thoughtful, profound person I've ever known. How's my hair look? Well, that's not one of your strong points anymore. You gotta let that go. Look, how long did it take you to grow your hair that long? Six or seven years. That's perfect. Because in six or seven years, you'll grow your hair back, I'll be out of my goosey-goosey stage. Don't you see? It makes us even closer as a couple because now we are in perfect sync. See, Cory. That's why I love you. Thanks. Today after school, I'll go down to the beauty parlor and get this all evened out. Great idea. So, how'd it go? Topanga's going to the beauty parlor after school. Everything's fine. Huh. So what do you want to do now? I don't know. Wanna sit on the couch? Yeah. (MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) MAN ON TV: This has been a Quinn Martin production. (CHUCKLES) You solved that crime, you fat, fat man. Eric, it's 4:00. You were sitting there when I left this morning. You were supposed to look for a job. Think I found one, Mom. Check it out. All day long, I've been watching crimes on TV solved by old guys, by fat guys, by guys with wrinkled raincoats. So, naturally, it occurs to me, what this world needs is "Eric Matthews, good-looking detective. " I'm gonna do so much homework. Check it out. I already thought of a theme song. When a crime breaks out All the cute girls shout "Get the good-lookin' guy" When there's a crime out there He's gonna comb his hair 'Cause he's the good-lookin' guy Book him, good-lookin'. Honey, I'm scared for you. You have got to get out of this house. Well, to do what? I mean, Mom, let's say I do find one of these so-called "jobs. " I mean, with nothing better than a high school diploma, the best I can ask for is minimum wage. And what they take out for taxes? Honestly think I can do better solving crimes. When a crime breaks out Stop. Sweetheart, you cannot just mope around the house. Why don't you go out on a date? You used to date all the time. I know, but all the girls I used to date have gone off to college. Oh, I'm sure there's plenty of nice girls right here in town. Townies? You want me to date a townie? Oh, that is great, Mom. I can see them right now sitting on their couch in their ratty bathrobe, watching daytime TV, eating bonbons. These are Cocoa Puffs. And I'm a detective. I don't know, man. She's been in there an awful long time. What are you getting so crazy about? She's just getting a haircut. No, Cory. We've known Topanga all her life, okay? She doesn't wear make-up. She's never been to a beauty parlor. She's completely natural. So what's the big deal? The big deal is she was beautiful before without anybody's help. Now she's got professional help. She's gonna be mega-beautiful. We're not even gonna be able to look at her directly without burning our retinas. Shawn, come on. This is not Beverly Hills. I mean, it's a neighborhood beauty salon next to old lady Schneider's doughnut shop. I mean, they don't exactly do "miracles" here. Old lady Schneider. It's a miracle! Oh, no. Shawn, Topanga is gonna come out looking 10 times better than she did when she went in. Okay, the first thing she's gonna do is dump you, then starting hanging out with other unbelievably good-looking people. How do you know that? It's what we do. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, I think that's interesting, but, oh, so wrong. And why is that? Because if anybody knows hair, it's me. When I get a haircut, it looks terrible for, like, the first six weeks. Then all of a sudden, it looks terrific for, like, a day. Then it's time for another haircut. It's what I like to call the haircut cycle of shame. Okay, and that's what you think's gonna happen to Topanga? Yes, I do. Because the universe knows that Topanga and I are supposed to be together, so the universe has seen fit to put Topanga in that chair and make her hideous so we can get through our teenage years awkward hand in awkward hand. You know she's coming out great-looking, don't you? Yes! This universe blows! Well, isn't somebody going to say something? She's my best friend's girl, she's my best friend's girl Oh, the heck with that! Marry me! I live in a trailer park and I have no education, but my hair does this! Shawn! Shut up, man! I'm going for it! Thanks. Thanks. I'm back. Good. All right, Topanga, I want I want the name of the guy who did this to you. You don't like it? No, no, it's not that I don't like it, it's just that I'm in love with this girl who was never interested in what she looked like before, and now I see make-up on your face and polish on your nails and toes and Stop looking at her toes. But they sparkle. I want the name of the guy who did this to you. My stylist's name is Mr. Cellini. Cory, it's just a haircut. It's just some make-up. It's not going to change me. Gotta go. Well, where are you going? This outfit with this hair? Hello, bye-bye. I am so at the mall. You know, Shawn, this just isn't like Topanga. Obviously, she's under the influence of this so-called Mr. Cellini. Yeah. I say we go back there. You are my friend, aren't you? Of course I am. And that little thing with Topanga? Well, I think the three of us can be very happy together. All right, which one of you guys worked on Topanga Lawrence? Ah, that would be me, Bosco Cellini. All right, Bosco, I want to know where you come off taking a natural beauty like Topanga and painting her face and nails and messing with her beautiful hair? "Messing"? Hey, friend to the little whining boy, did he say "messing"? Yeah. That's what I heard. Well, for your informazione, it is very rare that on a Tuesday, our slow day, that Venus de Milo herself would sit in my chair and say to me, "Make with me what you wish. " I am a European man secure enough in my own masculinity to admit to you I wept. I cried like a little baby cries. All right, all right, Bosco, first of all, we're in the middle of Philadelphia here, so let's just drop this phony accent. Scusi? Talk in English! (IN BROOKLYN ACCENT) All right, all right. Here's how it went down. Chicky comes in, plops down a half a c-note, right? I do a little snippety-snip, badda-boom, badda-bing, your girlfriend's a looker. You're right. I mean, she is beautiful. Okay, let's go, buddy. There's nothing left for you here. You did a very nice job. Hey, don't mention it. So I'm kind of at the crossroads of my life because I didn't get into college like the rest of my friends. Oh, you didn't? No. Looks like I'm kind of stuck here in town for a while. It's not so bad. Really. You get used to being here. Yeah, I mean, I'm okay with it. Actually thought there was a career for me out there as a weatherman. I even interned at Channel 5. Wow. Yeah, but I don't know. I guess they thought I was too young and didn't have enough life experience, which, frankly, I think is crazy. I mean, I'm 18. I've lived, you know? Oh. I hear you. I'm 18, and I feel like I have some life experience. Yeah? Yeah. I mean, I have a two-year-old to take care of. He's a big handful. And in between putting him in daycare and working double shifts at the Dairy Queen, I actually wouldn't mind a little less life experience. Can't your parents help you? You've got your mom and dad helping you? Well, you know, just financially. That's nice. You're very lucky, Eric. Yeah, thanks. I guess I'm luckier than I thought. All right, everybody, take your seats. Come on, take your seats. What is so interesting that you all have to crowd around here Oh, boy. Look at you. Yeah. I got a haircut. Do you like it? Hey! Hey! Focus, Mr. Turner. Some are here to learn. Okay, today, we're going to be talking about John Merrick, immortalized in the play The Elephant Man. Now, even though he was tragically disfigured, he still won the hearts of London society with his wonderful inner spirit. Yeah, you know what? I come from a great-looking family, and I'm just going through my awkward teenage phase, but that doesn't mean I can't win the hearts of high school society with my wonderful inner spirit. Now, see, what's really interesting about John Merrick is that he came from a wonderful-looking family, yet was so hideous himself, he was forced to wear a burlap sack over his head and perform as a sideshow freak until the day that his oversized head rolled back and he died. And when did he grow out of this death? Attention, please. Excuse the interruption, Mr. Turner. A reminder that this Friday is picture day, so, please, dress nicely and try to look your best. (FEENY MUMBLING) (SIGHS) Shawn? Yeah? I just want to die. Please don't lift my oversized head. Ah, Mr. Cellini, you've got to help me! Si, Cellini is here to help. Oh, it's you, the little whiny kid. No, I don't want you to be that guy. I want you to be Cellini the artist. I want you to help me like you helped Topanga. Forget it! I don't take walk-ins. You don't walk in here in the middle of the afternoon and expect me to take a walk-in. Well, I'm walkin' in with 75 bucks. Attencione! Cappuccino for the whiny kid. Sit. When a crime breaks out All the cute girls shout "Get the good-looking guy" When there's a crime out there He's gonna comb his hair 'Cause he's the good-looking guy What the heck are you doing? This is who I am now, Daddy. I'm a townie. I'm worse than a townie because I rely on my parents for economic support. I didn't even buy this cereal. You bought this cereal. You bought my clothes. You bought this cereal. You bought the milk which was white when it started, but it's chocolate now because it's Cocoa Puffs and I've been sitting here for 9 hours. Eric. Yeah? Get off your butt. Get a job. Huh? Right now! Thank you, Daddy. So here's how I see it. You know, you guys really can't make it a habit to be in here. I grew up with these two people, and I guess they're my two best friends in the world. Anybody I know? As I understand it, one of them, who in my opinion is a good-looking guy, is going through a shaky time right now. Where is Cory? That's not as important as where you are, Topanga. In all the time that I've known you, I can't remember you ever looking in the mirror. You had this confidence in yourself, and I really liked that about you. Come on, Shawn, everybody in high school has a mirror in their locker and checks each other out and only cares about how they look. But up until a couple days ago, you never did. Your world got completely rocked when you hacked your hair off and saw that for two seconds you can actually look a little less than perfect. This isn't me, is it, Shawn? Well, it's not the Topanga I know. But obviously we're all at that age where we're going through changes. Oh, that's great. Thanks. Stop! Stop! Please don't touch him! Too late. I am finito and proud to say this is my best work ever. Everything I have done until now was dreck. This is my masterpiece! Oh, he's beautiful. Of course! I have had to call upon all of my skills and powers. I really look okay? I think I'm falling in love all over again. And you, you wet rodent! What have you done to my work? Once again, as a European, I weep without embarrassment. What are you talking about? She looks beautiful. Just like she always was. You, too, Cory. Just like you always were. Mom? Dad? I did what you said. I got a job. Oh, Eric, we're proud of you. Hey, what kind of job did you get? Check it out. (MUSIC STARTS) When a crime breaks out All the cute girls shout "Get the good-lookin' guy "Good-lookin' guy" When there's a crime out there He's gonna comb his hair 'Cause he's the good-lookin' guy When a crime breaks out All the cute girls shout "Get the good-lookin' guy" AMY: Eric. Mommy? Eric, wake up! Daddy, I was fighting crime! Eric, put down the Cocoa Puffs and get a job! Okay, okay. Send me out in my bathrobe. What kind of job could I possibly get in a bathrobe? At night.