A Piñata Named Desire

Good morning, USA! Listen, Rose, you're gonna go on and make lots of babies, and you're gonna watch them grow. Promise me you'll survive. Never let go. Very nice audition. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Rivera-Perez, for writing a play as brave as PiÃ±ata Man. A lowly piÃ±ata maker who pretends to be as empty as the toys he makes. Oh! Thank you. Thank you. Who's next? You have my headshot, correct? Uh yes. Excellent. Forgot to strike my prop. Then Duper said we were out of paper clips, so I went to the supply closet, and guess what your old dad found behind the Post-it? Had my big audition, and killed it! Good for you! That's great! Hey, I was in the middle of a story! You found the paper clips. Terrible story. Anyway, the director liked me so much, I got a callback for the lead. It's the role of lifetime. Much bigger than my voiceover work on Pac-Man, the Animated Series. I eat ghosts like you for breakfast! What do you think you're doing? That's the big piece. Yeah. So? The big piece goes to the big dog, AKA me. And what makes you the big dog? Um, everything. I'm smarter than you, I'm stronger than you, I can wet-nurse better than you. Easy, girls. Sorry, Stan. Anything you can can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you. No, you can't! Yes, I can! No, you can't. Yes, I can. Yes, I can! No, you can't! Yes, I can! No, you can't! Enough! Can't we have one meal without you two getting into an angry singing contest?! Why is everything a competition? Yeah, you guys should just and get it over with. Clearly, they have repressed sexual feelings for each other that they're channeling into hostility. How's that Psych 101 class going? It's only day three, but I understand how the whole world works now. Roger, while you act in your little community theater plays, do you know where I am? Jerkin' it? I'm on undercover CIA missions acting for an audience of ruthless thugs, terrorists and assassins. And if I'm unconvincing or forget a line, I don't get a bad review. I get a bullet to the head. Life-and-death stakes. That's real acting. Your a bad ass, Dad. You guys don't really do that James Bond stuff. And you, that's enough from you for the night! It's bedtime. Go to your room. Get back here. Give me a kiss. You're a good boy. You just frustrate me. So, what's on the agenda for tonight's sleepover? Well, after pizza, we'll retire to my tree house, watch an '80s crap fest, say Critters or Critters II, and cap it off with a foray into demon worship, courtesy of the Ouija board. No! Last time I summoned a demon, and now he won't leave me alone. Delicious! Oh, wait, wait. You dorks still have slumber parties? Look, they're not slumber parties. I mean, trust me, when the four of us get together in a bedroom, there's not much slumbering going on. Have you ever seen the word piÃ±ata, Miss Lopez? It has that squiggly line over the "Ã±" that looks like an eyebrow. Or a stain upon the soul. Oh, rehearsing for your little play audition? Well, I have a big undercover mission tonight where I'll be doing some real acting. No, he doesn't. He's so lying. You know, Stanislavski says that acting is the grandest lie. Oh! You guys ready? My mom's picking us up in front any minute. Yeah, uh, I just remembered. I got to go get my circumcision touched up. And Toshi and I have to get to a taping of Benson. Wait. You're all bailing on the sleepover because people made fun of us. Maybe we are too old for sleepovers. We're not kids anymore. There's a person inside Big Bird! But the best moments of our lives have been at sleepovers, remember? I know we got to grow up sometime, but damn it, not today. I say we plan one last sleepover. Two weeks from today. The sleepover to end all sleepovers. Who's with me? We all had a black friend! Hurry up, people! The Indonesian drug cartel will be here any minute. It's almost show time. Smith, you need to get into wardrobe and makeup. He really is an actor. Sir, they're pulling up. Places, everyone. Good evening, gentlemen. Right this way. That's your cue! Magic time. Water? What did you say? Water? You're offering me water, but somehow I'm not buying that you are really offering me water. It's a setup! What the hell were you thinking?! Improvising a line?! There's a reason I never give you lines, Smith. You can't act! Stan, don't blame yourself. Oh, thank you. That's acting. How cool is this? He got shot in the back of the head. Now he's just like a puppet. Hope he doesn't mind I'm doing this. 'S all right? 'S all right. How'd the big mission go last night? Uh fine. Wa-ter? Wa-ter? What are you doing, Roger? What-what what am I do What am I doing, Stan? Wa-ter? Well, whatever he's doing, it doesn't sound genuine. I don't believe he's really offering you water. All right, I can't act, okay? You guys should have seen it. A whole room full of agents killed by Stan's bad acting. God, it was terrible! Hilarious! Big piece for the guy who didn't create 14 widows last night. You're right. You're a real actor, I'm not. I was jealous because I never get the cool parts in undercover missions. How did you get to be so good? I had a great teacher. You should look him up, tell him I sent you. "Irwin Beyer, Junior, acting coach. " This-this is you, isn't it? I'm-I'm gonna get down there, and it's gonna be you. It's a strong possibility. And I asked him, "Mr. Antonioni, how do you direct your actors?" And he said, "I don't. "After each take, I simply ask them, 'How did that feel?'" Ah Oh Oh Some know. Some know. Now, I'm afraid I have some bad news. I've got a callback next week for the new play, PiÃ±ata Man, and since I'm going to get it, that means no class for a while. No! No! No! Log that emotion, save it for a rape scene. Okay, we still have this week. Let's get to work. Peter and Bess, you'll be doing a scene from Hamlet. Jamie and Darryl, you'll do Our Town. And Stan and Stacey, I'm giving you one of the most riveting scenes ever put to paper: WarGames, act two, scene 19. David and Jennifer, Broderick and Sheedy are trying to flee Goose Island to prevent global thermonuclear war. But David's about to face his own personal war. Tic, tac, go. Maybe we can swim for it. No. No, I can't swim. You can't swim? No, I can't. Okay, Wonder Woman? I can't swim. I always thought there was going to be plenty of time. I wish I didn't know about any of this, and tomorrow it would just be over. Oh, God, I really wanted to learn how to swim. Somebody remind me to cancel my Ambien prescription. Okay, Stan, we're going to run this scene all week until you make it perfect. The rest of you will get no attention from me, but there's no refunds, so your move. That's the one. Those are the pajamas we should wear for our last sleepover. I don't know. The striped ones are better for hiding unwanted pillow fight boners. No, no kimonos. I'm sorry, we need to get on the same page here. Can we think about it? You can. I can't guarantee that the pajamas will be here when you return. Just this morning, there were four other boys looking at these same very jammies. They smacked of rich. Come on, this guy's full of it. Yo, Deutschland, ring those jammy-jams up, 'cause we like 'em baggy and saggy. You tell 'em, Lil' Turtle. And you better hurry up, 'cause Lil' Vince is throwing a sleepover, and Bindi Irwin is coming. Bam! Yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah I really wanted to learn how to swim. That was a fake fart, because I couldn't summon up a real one to express my disgust with your acting. Oh! I give up! I'll never learn how to act. Stan, you need to make a personal connection with the character-- and you have one. Just like David doesn't know how to swim, you don't know how to act. Stacey, I want to try something with Stan. Go get me a butterscotch. A butterscotch what? Stan, we're going to do this again, but this time, I want you to exchange the word "swim" with the word "act. " Maybe we can swim for it. No, no. I can't act. You can't act? No, I can't. Okay, Wonder Woman? I can't act. I always thought there was going to be plenty of time. I wish I didn't know about any of this, and tomorrow it would just be over. Oh, God I really wanted to learn how to act. Oh, Stan! You can act. Oh, you've made such progress-- such confusing progress! Okay, let's finish the scene. Wait, we can't finish the scene-- they kiss. So? I'm not going to kiss you! You're you! You can't be a great actor unless you commit. Forget it, I'm not kissing you! I wasn't sure, so I got butterscotch pudding, butterscotch candy and butterscotch morsels. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Pudding man! Who knows why that didn't work? Okay, so we're all agreed. We're going to go with the pepperoni. Oh, I don't know. Pepperoni doesn't seem like a last sleepover pizza. You know, because pepperoni starts out as one stick and then you have cut it all up. I fear it sends a message of separation more than unity. You're killing me! Don't bite my head off! Yeah, don't bite his head off! Shut up, Barry! You're just going to eat all the pizza anyway. Hey, don't lob factual statements at me as if they're insults! Can we all just calm down and pick a pizza? You mean can you pick a pizza?! You're the one pushing for a sleepover, even though we all know we're too old for this crap! Learn English! Learn English! Stop! All of you just stop! You know what? I don't think we've outgrown sleepovers. I think we've outgrown each other. The all is lost moment! AtenciÃ³n! I have the cast list. Now, when they announce me as the lead, I want you to pop this bottle of champagne and pound it so you work up the courage to go buy me cocaine. Ha! I'm going to want to celebrate. Let's start with the male lead. A real sparkling talent. For the role of PiÃ±ata Man Stan Smith! What? I'd like to thank Mr. Rivera-Perez for giving me a last-minute audition. I'd also like to thank my acting teacher who unknowingly trained me to steal this part right out from under him, making me the better actor and, once again, the big dog. The all is lost moment! You don't know what it's like to taste the pico de gallo of a man's heart. I know too well, hombre. Our chips inside us are the same, no? Lo mismo. Salty. Salty with tears. Would the seÃ±or and seÃ±orita like hear about the nacho especiale? Cut! You don't have any lines. Stop improvising! I need to be heard. I have 20 people coming to see me. I'm crushing hard on one of them. Do you know what that's like, Mr. Rivera-Perez? You're a gay, amateur director. You must've crushed hard on someone along the way. Daniel? Maybe, maybe there was a Daniel in your life? Yep don't need anyone else to have a good time. Just, uh, going to entertain myself. Oh, hey, ho-- hey! Hi! Wh-What are you doing here? We got an e-mail that the sleepover was back on. I didn't send any e-mail. I did. Ronnie? That's right. The forgotten fifth member of the sleepover gang. But you moved to Scottsdale years ago. How did you? Let's just say someone sent me an e-mail about what went down. I understand you guys got in a big fight. Look, you aren't mad at each other. You're mad at growing up. And I'm mad, too. But we gotta get over it. Tonight, we gotta sleepover it. But first, I suggest you all turn around so you can see Steve's mom undressing through that window. Mmm, look at them tig ol' bitties. AtenciÃ³n, I have terrible news. Jacinda and her understudy were both injured in a freak accident. How are we going to do the show without a leading lady? Luckily, I met an ingÃ©nue today who knows the play by heart. Everyone meet Cleshawn Montegue. Diamonds, diamonds, friends and men Diamonds! I can't believe you sabotaged those girls. Really? Seems like something I would totally do. Get ready, Stan. I'm going to to act circles around you out there. We'll see. May the best actor win. This is Sparta! This is Sparta! This is Sparta! This is Sparta. Stop it, Jimmy. You don't know what we're doing. Are you the PiÃ±ata Man? SÃ­. He waits so long between words. Because he's good. Whoa! Why did I give my heart to a man who breaks everything he makes? Everything you make breaks! Everything I make breaks! You break and you break and you break and you break! 'Cause I be breakin' and makin' And takin' your heart. You been shakin' and fakin' And snakin' from the start. Earthquake, bake cake Flank steak, Ricki Lake. What you ladies want?! Ricki Lake! Fellas?! Flank steak! Ricki Lake! Flank steak! Ricki Lake! Flank steak! Out! Listen to that! They adore my acting. Not for long, because next is a love scene. You won't be able to kiss me. The play will go o off the rails, and once and for all, it will be clear that I'm the better actor. You y-you don't know what it's like to taste the pico de gallo of a man's heart. I know too well, hombre. Our chips inside us are the same, no? Lo mismo. Salty. Salty with tears. Hmph! You call that acting? This is acting! That's nothing! Oh, good Lord. I'm acting the crap out of you. Public indecency?! We weren't really doing it! We were just acting! You know why they thought we were having sex? Because our acting was that damn good. No, because your acting was that damn good. No, you. You were a very generous scene partner. Hey, I was just feeding off your amazing energy. I, I don't get it. They're friends again? Told ya. They just needed to. That night, we had the best sleepover of our lives. Maybe because we knew it was our last. In the morning, our childhood would evaporate like a dream, and we'd head into the dawn of adulthood. We never figured out which one of us e-mailed Ronnie. In fact, to this day, I'm pretty sure he was just some black dude who overheard us planning our sleepover in the pizza parlor, but he sure was awesome. Oh, my God. Look at Ronnie! You're doing it, Ronnie! You're doing it.