Good Burger


 * Mr. Wheat: What's your hurry, my brother?
 * Dexter: Uh, my hurry is it's now officially summer vacation and yet I'm still looking at you.
 * Mr. Wheat: You're an amazing student. I mean, you sit there and get your test done first, and you were concentrating so hard I thought you were sleep.
 * Dexter: Next time make it more challenging.
 * Mr. Wheat: That's what I want to talk to you about. Challenges, potential, using your mind. Cause I'm worried about you
 * Dexter: I'm worried about you, too. Have you seen yourself lately? The 'fro, the boots, and this jacket...You have a nice summer, Shaft!


 * Jake: Nice car. This yours?
 * Dexter: No. It's my mom's, but she's out of town on business.
 * Jake: And she let you drive this while she's out of town?
 * Dexter: Nope. (speeds off)


 * Ed: Mr. Baily! Can Dexter have a job here?
 * Mr. Baily: No!
 * Dexter: See ya.
 * Ed: No, wait, wait! C'mon, Mr. Baily. He can do fries.
 * Mr. Baily: Otis does fries.
 * Ed: Yeah, but look at him. How much longer could he possibly live?


 * Otis: I should've died years ago.
 * Dexter: Tough break.


 * Ed: Welcome to Good Burger. Home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?
 * Construction Worker: Well, it's about time. Can I get 2 Good Burgers?
 * Ed: Oh, I'm sorry, dude. I have to go get them. Customers aren't allowed in back.
 * Construction Worker: (irritated) Just give me 2 Good Burgers!
 * Ed: Dude, I can't just give you two Good Burgers. You have to pay for 'em!
 * Construction Worker: Forget it!


 * Mr. Baily: (about Mondo Burger) They're competition. Big competition.
 * Monique: Yep. They could put us out of business.
 * (the rest of the employees begin to agree with her)
 * Mr. Baily: All right! Now, come on! Good Burger has been here for over 40 years! People love us! (looks at Ed) Most of us...


 * Kurt: (blows whistle) Shut up! Just be quiet!
 * Dexter: Well, It'd be a lot more quiet if you stopped blowing the whistle.


 * Kurt: (addressing employees) From now on your life is Mondo Burger. You can forget about your friends, you can forget about your family... because Kurt is now your mother and your father.
 * Dexter: (whispering to female co-worker) Kurt must look awfully strange naked.


 * Kurt: You mess with Kurt and you go into the grinder.
 * Dexter: Okay, now this grinder of yours, is it a real grinder or is it some kind of a methaphor or something?
 * Kurt: That's it you're gone! Adios, TKO, historical!
 * Dexter: Wait, wait, wait. I won't be funny no more.
 * Kurt: Security!
 * (security storms into the room)
 * Dexter: Wait! You ain't gotta bring the man down here! Kurt, come on, please! I need this job!
 * Kurt: Take out the trash!
 * Dexter: (offended) 'Trash?' Okay, now lookee here-
 * (guards grab Dexter)
 * Kurt: Get this loser out of my face!
 * Dexter: 'Loser?!' Oh, now you're about to push me a little too far!
 * Kurt: You want a piece of me?
 * Dexter: Yeah! Extra crispy please!


 * Customer: (motioning to Ed) Excuse me! Look, I ordered one Good Burger with nothing on it!
 * Ed: That's what I gave you.
 * Customer: No, you gave me a bun. Just a bun. Look there's no meat in here.
 * Ed: But you said you wanted nothing on it.
 * Customer: Yes, but I expected a meat patty!
 * Ed: Dude, a meat patty is something. You said nothing. Fizz, is a meat patty something or nothing?
 * Fizz: Uh, something?
 * Ed: (raises arm in the air) I win!
 * Customer: All right, that rips it! I am reporting your name to the manager!
 * Ed: The manager already knows my name.
 * Customer: Oh, I'll see you in Hell.
 * Ed: Okay, see ya there!


 * Dexter: Hey, you look familiar. Don't I know you from somewhere?
 * Ed: Ever been to Australia?
 * Dexter: No.
 * Ed: Me neither.
 * Dexter: I've could've sworn I've seen you someplace before.
 * Ed: Hey, I know! Maybe I'm someone famous! You know, like a baseball player or a pretty nurse!
 * Dexter: What? Man, what in the world are you talking about?
 * Ed: Okay, okay. I give up. Who am I?
 * Dexter: Man, I don't know who you are. Or where I know you from. Or why you think you're an attractive nurse, but I am sure I don't wanna know you any longer. Now, please go away, I've had a very bad day.


 * Dexter: Man, I can't believe Kurt fired me from Mondo Burger. I mean, he yelled at me, then he insulted me. He made fun of me. (looks downcast)
 * Ed: Boy, you must really suck.
 * Dexter: See right about now I'd slap you in your head but I'm not sure if your brain would understand the concept of pain.


 * Ed: (after Dexter gets the job at Good Burger) Cool! I'll teach him everything I know!
 * Mr. Baily: (groans) Oh...God, help me.


 * Dexter: Hello. My name is Dexter. I'm your new co-worker.
 * Monique: (slightly irritated) Monique.
 * Dexter: Well, that's a nice outfit you got on there, Monique. And those stripes really bring out the color in your eyes.
 * Monique: (sarcastically) Yes. You can imagine how shocked I was when I came to work and saw everyone wearing the same thing.
 * Dexter: (laughs uneasily) Okay. I guess I'll see you later then.
 * Monique: I guess you will. (walks off)


 * (Ed is driving the Burger-Mobile)
 * Dexter: That was a stop sign!
 * Ed: Uh...no?
 * Dexter: (whines) Aw, man!


 * Kurt: Hey check it, boys. Right back there. It's the reject.
 * (Kurt and his friends laugh)
 * Dexter: Hey check it, Ed. It's the Mondo idiot.
 * Ed: Oh, well, nice to meet you Mondo Idiot. I'm Ed.


 * Dexter: So, Monique. What are you going to do tonight after you lock up?
 * Monique: I thought I'd go home.
 * Dexter: Home? Why?
 * Monique: Well... that's where my stuff is.

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 * Dexter: You know...I don't even remember what my dad looks like.
 * Ed: I don't remember what my dad looks like, either, but at least I get to see him everyday.

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 * Kurt: Can I give you a lift, Ed?
 * Ed: Gee, I don't know dude. I weigh about 150.

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 * Kurt: I want you to come work for me at Mondo Burger. You come and make your sauce for Kurt.
 * Ed: Who's Kurt?
 * Kurt: I'm Kurt!
 * Ed: I'm Ed.
 * Kurt: I'm aware!
 * Ed: You said you were Kurt.

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 * Ed: (about Kurt) I think he likes me.
 * Dexter: Ed! That diphthong doesn't like you, he just wants to use you!
 * Ed: Well, that's not 'natural.'

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 * Roxanne: Ed, can't we go somewhere and be alone?
 * Ed: What for?
 * Roxanne: Well we can just talk or get to know each other a little better. Now, doesn't that sound like more fun than miniature golf?
 * Ed: (looks at the audience for a few seconds)
 * Ed: (looking back at Roxanne) No! Come on!

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 * Roxanne: You are so hot.
 * Ed: Oh, well, I often sweat at work.

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 * Dexter: (about Monique) How can I not like her? She smart, fun, beautiful and cuddly.
 * Ed: Then just ask her out.
 * Dexter: Naw.
 * Ed: What, you're chicken?
 * Dexter: I'm not a chicken!
 * Ed: Are too! Dexter's a chicken! Moo! Moo!
 * Dexter: CHICKENS! (quieter) Chickens don't moo Ed. They cluck. (Imitates chicken sound)
 * Ed (later in the scene): Moo.

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 * Dexter: So, uh, you like me?
 * Monique: Of course. So, uh, you like me?
 * Dexter: Are you kiddin'? I liked you from the first time I saw you! Right off the bat. But I guess it was the same thing for you, huh?
 * Monique: No, actually I thought you were self-centered and obnoxious.
 * Dexter: Well, so much for my self-esteem.

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 * Dexter: Who are you and what have you done with the real Monique?
 * Monique: Oh, she's right here! It's just that now she knows the real Dexter.
 * Dexter: Come again?
 * Monique: You forgot your jacket last night. (hands him his jacket)
 * Dexter: Thank you.
 * Monique: And this fell out of the pocket (holds contract)
 * Dexter: Oh, um, this is just...all it is, all it is...
 * Monique: Right, It's just the contract you had Ed sign. You know the one where you take most of his money? The money he's supposed to get for his sauce
 * Dexter: Yeah, but...
 * Monique: I can't believe you would do something like that to someone who trusts you! How can you take advantage of a sweet person like Ed? And after he got you a job!
 * Dexter: It ain't even like that! All I wanted&mdash;
 * Monique: Oh, I know what you wanted! You're not his friend you're just using him to scam a little cash off the side. It must feel really good. Oh, but don't worry I'm not gonna tell Ed you're cheating him.
 * Dexter: Why not?
 * Monique: 'Cuz it would hurt him too much.

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 * Dexter: What happened?
 * Ed: I just tackled some old lady.
 * Dexter: All right, Ed!

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 * Dexter: So you poured that stuff in the meat didn't you?
 * Ed: I had to.
 * Dexter: You had to?
 * Ed: Sure. See, I knew that if I took the can, there was a good chance I'd get caught. Then I thought, even if I did take the triambythal to the proper authorities, Kurt would hire some high-powered attorneys who would dispute any charges brought against him or Mondo Burger, by manipulating the legal system. And the way that America's court system is congested these days, it would've taken months to convict him of anything. So then I thought, I'll take the matters into my own hands, and just pour the triambythal into the meat supply, and let Mondo Burger be a victim of its own foul play.
 * Dexter: Wait-wait-wait. You thought of all that?
 * Ed: Sure! I'm not stupid.

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 * Ed: Um, Dexter? I just want to say that, well, I'm really gonna miss you...a lot. And um, I will always remember you, Dexter Reed. In my thoughts and in my heart. Goodbye, my friend. (hugs Dexter)
 * Dexter: Um, Ed? I'm not going anywhere man. (Ed lets him go)
 * Ed: Oh.

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 * Ed: Remember: When you mess with Good Burger--
 * Ed and Dexter: You go in the grinder!

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 * (the cops take Kurt away for illegally adding food additives to his burgers)
 * Ed and Dexter: Kurt's goin' to jail!
 * Kurt's goin' to jail!
 * Kurt's goin' to jail! Jail! Jail!
 * Kurt's goin' to jail!
 * Kurt's goin' to jail!
 * Jail! Jail! Jail!
 * Kurt's goin' to jail!
 * Kurt's goin' to jail!
 * Kurt's goin' to jail! Jail! Jail!