In the Line of Doody

Scene I: The Zoo
''Government agents clad in matching suits are seen sweeping the zoo for possible threats. All of the animals are being probed, including Burt, Bing, Joey, Mort, and Marlene.''

Burt: (Being probed on his trunk) Hey!

Bing is being probed, laughing.

Joey: (Being probed on his pouch) Oyoyoyoyoyoy! (Tries to punch him but misses) Get out of me personals!

Mort: (Being shaken) Hehehe, it makes butter in my tummy.

Marlene: (being probed around) Hey, whoa!

The agents gives thumbs up.

Scene II: Penguins HQ
Marlene: (She enters the penguins HQ gasping for breath) Guys, outside, there’s all these men in the matching suits and wands that are all like— Bleep-bloop-bloopity-bloop-bleep and…

''Marlene notices no one else is alarmed by this news. The penguins, are confused then stared at her resume what they were doing before Marlene entered. Rico gulps a cup of fish, Skipper and Kowalski look at a pamphlet, and Private feather dusts the periscope. Marlene stares at them in complete surprise and gets a little upset.''

Marlene: (Angrily) Okay, how am I the paranoid one here?

Skipper: Relax, Marlene. Have some morning nosh.

Marlene: What? I don’t—

''Rico steps on her foot, making her shout in pain, and pours his cup of “morning nosh” into Marlene’s mouth. A tail of a fish sticks out of her mouth and her eye twitches showing disgust.''

Skipper: (patronizingly) What you are seeing is the vanguard of democracy in action.

''Marlene spits the fish out. ''

Marlene: (annoyed) Noooeew. I am seeing men in suits, with wands, and blooping!

Kowalski: (pointing to the Children’s Zoo pamphlet) Today is the grand opening of our newest up-chart attraction; the Central Park Children’s Zoo!

Skipper: With the ribbon cutting ceremony by Pervis McSlade—New York’s parks commissioner—the hero that gave us Zoo Regulation 742-F. (Marlene just stares confused)

Kowalski: (reminiscently) Mmm… the fresh fish for penguins initiative.

Private: (dreamily) Bless that man.

Rico: Mmm-hmm. ''(gulps the fish down, gargles, and swallows) ''

Kowalski: Now if you’re seeing men in suits that must mean the commissioner’s team is making its final security sweep.

Private: (clapping) How exciting! Can we go watch?

Skipper: Negative Private! Commissionorial security is a high stakes game. They don’t need four extra players.

Marlene: (peering into the periscope) Yeah well, never mind. They’re leaving anyway.

Skipper: (shocked) What?

Skipper pushes Marlene out of the way and peers into the periscope.

Marlene: Hey!

Skipper: Leaving? They couldn’t be done already. (Indignantly) What kind of slap-dash security sweep is this?!

Scene III: The Zoo
''The penguins popped from behind a lamp post in their combat positions. Marlene walks out from behind the post.''

Marlene: I don't know, looks pretty safe to me...

''Zoom above the zoo grounds to see everything peaceful. Skipper goes to Marlene.''

Skipper: "Looks", Marlene. "Looks"? It's not the threat you see with your eyes. It's the one you feel, deep in your gut.

Rico: Mm-mm (lifts his gut up and down)

Kowalski looks up from another lamp post.

Kowalski: Where's the reflecting mirror for satellite-based lasers? (pops out of a kid's popcorn box) The titanium ground-net for tunneling mole robots? (searches in the Lemur Habitat, looking under Mort who is feeding grapes to Julien which fell out of Mort's hands and lands in Julien's mouth, looking in Julien's crown and his mouth) The comprehensive antidote kit to counteract any mind-control gas rays by the villainous madman of the super blimp?

Camera goes back to Marlene and Skipper

Marlene: A super blimp... Really?

Skipper: Go ahead and scoff! Super blimp madmen live to smack down scoffers. This is Commissioner McSlade we're talking about! If those kindergarten crackerjacks won't step up for him, then we will!

Rico regurgitates 4 wireless Blue Tooth Ear phones with sunglasses.

Skipper: Check one.

Kowalski: Check two.

Private: (with the phone and sunglasses in his mouth) Oww...

Scene IV: The Children's Zoo Ceremony
''At the ribbon cutting ceremony of the Children's Zoo, Pervis McSlay is seen giving a speech while several of his agents are surrounding the area. People are sitting in chairs and watching McSlay talk. Alice is also seen.''

McSlade: What is a "Children's Zoo?" A zoo for children? Yes! But more than that--

The penguins, all weearing sunglasses and phones pop out from behind some bushes.

Skipper: I want the total threat neutralization in 5. If you notice anything funny, take it really seriously.

''The other penguins nod at Skipper's order. The penguins then head off to make sure everything is perfect. Behind Alice's back, Rico takes the normal scissors away and replaces them by regurgitating a smaller, more childlike pair of scissors. Skipper looks down the entrance and sees a wrinkle in the rug.''

Skipper: Trip hazard! Delta sector! I'm going in!

''Skipper hops in and chops at the wrinkle, but all it does is make 2 more wrinkles. Skipepr tries to flatten out the extra wrinkles, but allit does is make 2 more wrinkles. Frustrated, Skipper chops them all several times, making all the wrinkles go away. Satisfied, Skipper proceeds to leave until another wrinkle suddenly appears. Skipper growls threateningly at the suddenly wrinkle and it disappears. Skipper then leave and Fred appears to watch the ceremony.''

McSlade: Sheep and Donkeys! Goats and... odd little horses, side by side! There's a lesson in that for all of us!

Fred looks bored at McSlay's speech and pulls out an acorn, preparing to eat it.

Kowalski: Nut-shaped GRENADE!!

Kowalski tackles Fred just as he's about to eat.

Fred: (confused) What? No outside food? Kowalski: (analyzes the acorn) Apparently it's just a Nut-shaped nut.

Private is hiding in the bushes and is looking through some binoculars into the sky.

Private: I've got something!

Skipper: What is it?! Missile? Chopper?

Kowalski: Super Blimp? C'mon Super Blimp!

Rico: Lemme at 'em C'mon!

Private: Oh, never mind, it's only a Pigeon

Kowalski and Rico sigh in disappointment, Skipper however looks shocked and concerned, grabbing the binoculars away from Private.

Skipper: Give me those!

Skipper looks through the binoculars and sees Frankie perched on top of a building, which has some drawing of people being crossed off.

Skipper: That smile!

Frankie is now seen laughing devilishly.

Skipper: Sweet Sky Gravy! That's bird's going to drop one on the Commissioner's Suit!

Rico: Huh?

Private: Drop what?

Skipper holds the binoculars towards Private shows him Radio Guy cleaning off the bell on the Clock Tower.

Radio Guy: Yo Alice, Pigeons really did a number on these statues, it's like a stink-a-ronie salad up here. P.U.!

Kowalski: But Skipper, why would the Commissioner be targetted by--

McSlade: PIGEONS! Now there's an animal I have no use for! Filthy Disease Mongrals! But thanks to park regulations 758-P My "Anti-Pigeon Initiative," we are actively chasing the little beggers out of our parks and public spaces!

Frankie: Hey Mr. Commissioner! Ima show you some of my "initiative!"

As Skipper is looking through his binoculars, Frankie is seen taking off from his perch and dive bombing towards the Commissioner.

Skipper: Rico!

''Rico regurgitates the catapult from "Gone in a Flash," Kowalski and Private hold the Catapult in place and Skipper loads himself inside it. Rico launches Skipper from the Catapult and hits Frankie in mid-flight.''

Frankie: Say what?!

''Skipper and Frankie fall from the sky and land in a tree. Kowalski, Private, and Rico climb up the tree to see if Skipper's okay.''

Private: Skipper!

Kowalski: How did you know that bird had a beef with the Commissioner?

Skipper: I've seen that look before, right before our last Commissioner took a plop to the left hopel.

The Penguins gasp at Skipper's statement.

Skipper: Got him right where a pretty flower would go!

Private giggles at this statement, causing the other Penguins to glare angrily at him.

Private: Well, it's just a suit, isn't it?

Skipper: There were blueberries Private! Blue... Berries!

''Private gasps, trying to hold another giggle. As Skipper begins to narrate the backgrounds turns very dark and a light casts over Skipper as he talks.''

Skipper: It was a beautiful day, sunny and clear. Pigeon came in low, slow from due east. I didn't know why I didn't jump in and take it for him, but that day I swore I'd never see another public official blueberried! Not on my watch.

Frankie: (tauntingly) Gee, that's too bad! Cause before that ribbon's cut, this commissioner's going to wearin' some "doody" on the suity! (snickers)

Skipper: Grab him!

''Skipper and the other penguins stack onto each other, each one trying to grab Frankie. Frankie however avoids them all and flies away towards the commissioner.''

Private: Skipper, what do we do now?

Skipper: you heard the Pigeon Private! He's sworn to do his dirty deed beofre the Commissioner cuts that ribbon!

As Skipper speaks, the camera frame-by-frame zooms in on him

Skipper: The Clock... Is... Ticking

Kowalski: So... were the dramatic pauses really necessary then?

Skipper: ...Yes!

''Frankie snickers to himself about what he's going to do. The Penguins hop up from the tree all at once and try to grab Frankie again. Frankie however avoids them again and fly both above and beneath them tauntingly before they fall back onto a branch.''

Frankie: ZING!

Skipper: Blast! He's flying circles around us! Kowalski, options!

Kowalski: Well I could pull... this branch!

''Kowalski pulls a branch and breaks it. Nothing happens.''

Skipper: A stick. Your option is a stick.

Kowalski: I pulled the wrong one all right?!

Kowalski pulls a different branch next to the previous one and reveals a secret panel with a jetpack inside it.

Kowalski: I've upgraded the standard jetpack with a full weapons array and auxilliary turbos. It's all untested but I'm 51.7% certain it won't erupt in a gaseous fireball the size of a dwarf sun.

Rico: Oooh...

Private:: That's slightly over half!

Skipper:: (puts on the jetpack) Well those are odds we can most likely live with! Pre-launch Waggle!

Skipper shakes up his jetpack as Frankie is flying over the crowd.

Frankie: Hey Penguins! I guess I got the drop on you! (snickers)

Frankie tries to drive bomb towards the commissioner as he is talking.

McSlade: There are many words that rhyme with Zoo... New...

''Skipper finishes shaking as the soda on his jetpack bursts and sending Skipper into the air. Skipper flies through the air and cuts off. Frankie coughs from the suds of the soda, as he regains his focus he is then pelted with Tennis birdies from Skipper's jetpack.''

Frankie: (frustrated and angry) Yo! I'm trying to fly here!

''Skipper flies up into the air and drops some sticks of dynamite around Frankie, which frightens him. Frankie angrily flies towards Skipper in an effort to take him down but Skipper flies upwards, narrowly dodging Frankie's charge. Skipper waggles again to charge up his jetpack and flies towards Frankie to take him down as well, Frankie however avoids it by flying upward and loses Skipper. With Skipper distracted, Frankie tries to dive bomb Skipper, but Skipper moves to the side and Frankie flies towards Central Park.''

Skipper: He's trying to lose me in the sycamore! Converge!

Skipper flies towards the area where Frankie landed in Central Park.

Scene V: Central Park
Kowalski, Private, and Rico all hop down from the tree and follow after Skipper on the ground by sliding on their bellies.

Private: Don't worry Skipper, he can't get away from all of us!

''Kowalski, Private, and Rico all hop a few bushes and are encountered by a large group of Pigeons, they are all cooing and they all look angry. Skipper lands next to the other Penguins.''

Skipper: Stand down boys! Check every face!

The Penguins all walk through the crowd of Pigeon, whom still look angry.

Private: They're identical Skipper! What are we looking for?

Skipper: The look of pure, suit-staining, evil! (Skipper is staring at a pigeon for a while and then tosses him aside)

Pigeon #1: I got news for you pal! We all wanna see the commissioner get what's coming to him!

''The massive group of pigeons start walking towards the penguins, closing them in. The Penguins pose for combat, knowing that they're surrounded.''

Scene VI: The Children's Zoo Ceremony
McSlade: And so without further adue! (chuckles) this also rhymes with Zoo!

''McSlade signals to Alice to be given the scissors to cut the ribbon. Alice takes the tiny pair and that Rico regurgitated earlier, and looks puzzled for a second, but resumes giving it to McSlade. McSlade tries to cut the ribbon but is having difficulty due to the scissors being too weak. McSlade then turns to a nearby agent.''

McSlade: Better push back my 3:00 p.m. Merry-go-Round dedication...

Scene VII: Central Park
The Penguins are still be enclosed by the group of angry pigeons.

Skipper: Hansel and Gretel special, on my mark! Execute!

''Rico pull sout a submarine sandwich buns and the penguins chop it up into several little pieces, which scatter across the grounds of the pigeons. The pigeons look down and notice the bread crumbs, stop closing in on the penguins, and proceed to pluck and eat the crumbs with joy. With the pigeon crowd distracted, Skipper and the other penguins escape and hop onto a nearby boulder.''

Private: Skipper, look!

Kowalski: Blueberries! It's him!

''Frankie is seen alone, tossing a handful of blueberries in his hand, looking mischevious. Frankie then swallows all of the blueberries and flies away to the Ceremony. Skipper waglles to fire his rocket, but he is all out of the usual soda.''

Skipper: Empty! Kowalski, fire the turbos!

Kowalski: The Turbos?! But they're highly unstable, it's too dangerous!

Skipper tosses up one of the wings on his jetpack, smacks Kowalski, and catches the wing.

Skipper: That was an order soldier! Now pop this Soda!

''Skipper resumes waggling, and Kowalski hesitantly pops the grape soda on Skipper's jetpack. Skipper takes off instantly into the air, knocking the other penguins back.''

Scene VIII: The Children's Zoo Ceremony
McSlay is seen still trying to cut throught the ribbon with the tiny scissors, Frankie is seen flying over him.

Frankie: Here comes the payback from my wayback!

''With the turbos activated, Skipper is seen flying really fast towards McSlade. Frankie then farts loudly, showing some slight strain. The other penguins see this as they are watching from a tree branch, Rico looks panicked, Private looks nervous, and Kowalski is observing this through the binoculars.''

Kowalski: Skipper! The package has dropped!

Skipper: (fighting the velocity) FOR... THE COMISSIONER'S... SUIT!!!

''The grape soda on Skipper's jetpack suddenly squeezes out more soda, increase Skipper's speed and the soda's color turns pink. Everything goes into slow-motion as Frankie looks down and gasps in shock. Skipper flies above McSlade just as Frankie's excrement is about to hit him. Kowalski, Private, and Rico see the event and a loud, wet splatter is heard, the penguins groan in disgust. As this happens, McSlade finally cuts through the ribbon and everyone except Alice and McSlade's security applauds. The trail of grape soda from Skipper's jetpack makes tiny fireworks above everyone.''

McSlade: Fireworks! I like it! Good for the old park's commission spirit! Rah rah!

Alice: (sighs, completely uninterested) whatever weirdo. Dark Suited Man: Uh, sir, you merry-go-round dedication?

McSlade and the agents prepare to leave.

Frankie: (frantically) No wait! I can make another one! Ju-ju-ju-just give me a sec alright?!

McSlade and the agents drive away.

Frankie: (disappointed) Aw c'mon!

''Skipper is seen having been crashed into the ground and his jetpack is broken to pieces. The other penguins check to see if he's okay.''

Private: Skipper, talk to me!

''Skipper gets up, covered in Frankie's excrement, which is obscured to the viewer. The other penguins groan in disgust.''

Rico: Whoa...

Kowalski: I've seen... (gags) Worse.

Private: That's true. I'm sure a good scrubbing with soap and... sand paper--

Suddenly, Skipper gets up and pulls off a disguse which was just like him.

Rico: WHAT?

Kowalski: Skipper! What? How did--?

Skipper: Standard Issue "Pigeon-Proof" Vest! Like I said: "Never again".

The penguins celebrate by high-fiving with Skipper.

Scene IX: Penguin Habitat
''Inside the Penguins' Habitat, Skipper's "pigeon-proof" vest is see tied to the nosecone of a rocket. Which is loaded onto a wagon, awaiting to be launched by Rico.''

Skipper: And so, let us bid farewell, to the bravest article of clothing I'll ever known.

Private: (sniffles) Well done suit!

''Rico sniffles too, but quickly regains his composure and activates the rocket, which fires into the air as the Penguins salute to it. As it is launched, Frankie and some other Pigeons are seen flying by.''

Frankie: What? You hear that?

Frankie looks down and see the rocket heading towards him.

Frankie: No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

A splattering noise is heard and some pigeon feathers are seen falling from the sky.

Frankie: (disgusted) Aw man! Any of you guys know how to get blueberries out of feathers?!

Private: Now that's what I call "Poo-etic Justice"! (laughs) See what I did? I played with a word!

Skipper: Yes we're all enjoying your toilet humor Private, real classy...

Private: Oh right... Poo... (giggles)