Hurray for Slappy

HELP, AUNT SLAPPY! I'M CAUGHT. HELP! SKIPPY, WHAT'RE YOU DOING WRAPPED UP LIKE SOME CURSE OF THE MUMMY THERE? WHEW! THANKS, AUNT SLAPPY. I WANT TO LOOK PERFEC FOR YOUR AWARD BANQUET. YOU'RE GETTING THE LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD! THE PAPER CALLS YOU A "TOON GREAT. " A "FORMER TOON GREAT. " THE NERVE. I'M FUNNIER ASLEEP THAN ALL THESE NEW CARTOON CHARACTERS THEY GOT TODAY. NOW AND THEN AUNT SLAPPY'S JUST A LITTLE BITTER. A LIFETIME ACHIEVEMEN AWARD FOR SLAPPY THE SLAP-HAPPY SQUIRREL? WHY, I TAUGH THAT NO-TALEN EVERYTHING SHE KNOWS! THE INJUSTICE OF IT! LOOK AT THAT PHOTO. THAT'S FROM ONE OF YOUR CARTOONS-- HEIGH-HO, SLAPPY 1938, DIRECTED BY WEED MEMLO. I HATED WEED. OH, YEAH, THAT SQUIRREL GIRL. ONCE I ALMOST BLEW HER UP WITH A KEG OF GUNPOWDER. YEAH, BUT SHE OUTFOXED ME. SHE OUTFOXED ALL OF US AND GETS A TROPHY FOR IT. KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE SELF-PITY. WE'RE CARTOON VILLAINS. WE NEVER GET THE AWARDS. STUPID DENTURES. BUT WHAT'S WORSE, WE NEVER ONCE GO TO CLOBBER SLAPPY SQUIRREL, UNTIL TONIGHT! TONIGHT WE'LL GIVE HER OUR OWN SPECIAL AWARD-- "THE WHAMMY!" DUH, OH, RIGHT! [LAUGHING] [COUGHING] HI, MARY HARTLESS HERE AT THE HOTEL BOMBAVENTURE, WHERE TONIGHT, THE FARM FRESH FRIARS CLUB IS HONORING THAT OCTOGENARIAN ACTRESS EXTRAORDINAIRE, SLAPPY THE SLAP-HAPPY SQUIRREL. AND HERE COMES HER STRETCH LIMO NOW. ANOTHER STRIKE, AUNT SLAPPY. LOOK AT THIS, "THE BOWLING IN THE LIMO" GAG. STRETCHING FOR THE COMEDY HERE, FOLKS. [CHEERING] [COUGHING] THERE SHE IS, BEANIE. GO GET HER. WHO? THE SQUIRREL, YOU BLOOPY BISON. DUH, OH, RIGHT. MISS SQUIRREL, WOULD YOU PLEASE SIGN MY AUTOGRAPH BOOK? PLEASE, LET ME POSTPONE THE REST OF MY LIFE TO SIGN YOUR PATHETIC FAN-BOY BOOK. AUNT SLAPPY, HE'S NO FAN. THAT'S YOUR ENEMY. BEANIE, THE CEREBRALLY-CHALLENGED BISON. I KNEW THAT DROOL LOOKED FAMILIAR. MAC, YOUR PEN'S OUT OF INK. DUH HEY, NO PROBLEM. I BROUGHT MY OWN. THE PLEASURE'S BEEN ALL YOURS, I'M SURE. GEE, THANKS! BEANIE, WHAT HAPPENED? MY PEN RAN OUT OF INK. BUT SHE SIGNED MY AUTOGRAPH BOOK ANYWAY. AND SHE GAVE ME THIS LOVELY SOUVENIR PEN. BEANIE SCREWED UP AGAIN. ARE WE SURPRISED? NO. NO. ALMOST FORGOT MY PEN. YOU REMIND ME OF A VERY YOUNG BETTY BOOP. DUH, OH. LOUSY, BAHOOEY BANQUET CHICKEN TASTES LIKE RUBBER. HOW'S YOURS, SKIPPY? FUN! WAITER, YOU GO ANYTHING ON THE MENU THAT'S NOT MANUFACTURED BY VOIT? OOH! OOH! AAH! NOT THE DYNAMITE-IN-THE-CAKE BIT AGAIN. WHO'D SINK SO LOW? LOOK, AUNT SLAPPY, IT'S YOUR FISHIEST FOE, SID THE SQUID. SID, YOU'VE PULLED SOME PITIFUL STUNTS, BUT THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SLAPPY? DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I COULD FALL FOR SOMETHING SO OBVIOUS? OF COURSE NOT. WHY NOT THINK UP SOMETHING ORIGINAL? LIKE WHAT? LET ME THINK. HOW ABOUT THIS? FIRST, YOU GRAB THESE STICKS OF DYNAMITE, THEN YOU GO SPINNING AROUND. THEN WHAT? YOU GO FASTER AND FASTER TILL YOU LIFT OFF, AND YOU GO ZOOMING LIKE A FLYING SAUCER TILL-- NAH, COME TO THINK OF IT, THAT GAG'S BEEN DONE TO DEATH. HEY, WAITER, I'LL HAVE THE FRIED CALAMARI. I DESPISE YOU. IT'S A BIT UNDERDONE. BUT THEY SAY SUSHI'S GOOD FOR YOU. WHAT A YUTZ. [APPLAUSE] STUPID SQUID. AS ALWAYS, IT'S UP TO ME. LEAVE IT TO WALTER WOLF TO DO THE JOB. FINE. GREAT. GOOD. FINE. O. K. HEY! SWELL. I'LL HANDLE IT, NO PROBLEMS. HEH HEH. IT'S A HANDLED DEAL. DON'T WORRY. IT'S FINISHED, KAPUTSKI. AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO PRESENT TONIGHT'S AWARD TO SLAPPY SQUIRREL, OUR MASTER OF CEREMONIES! MY FRIENDS, SLAPPY SQUIRREL'S MADCAP CARTOONS HAVE BEEN MAKING US LAUGH SINCE HOOVER WAS PRESIDEN AND A THREE-STORY HOUSE SOLD FOR $9. I'M GOING INTO A COMA. TOO LATE. I'M COMATOSE. AND SO ON BEHALF OF THE FARM FRESH FRIAR'S CLUB, I PRESENT SLAPPY SQUIRREL WITH THE COVETED WHOLE FRIAR AWARD. AUNT SLAPPY, THAT'S NO FRIAR. THAT'S YOUR ARCHEST ENEMY OF ALL, WALTER WOLF. THANK YOU, MR. EXPOSITION. CONGRATULATIONS, SLAPPY SQUIRREL. YOU DESERVE THIS. WITH ALL THE COMEDY I'VE DONE FOR YEARS, WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT VILLAINS? COME ON! BLOW UP! WHAT IN BLAZES IS WRONG WITH THIS CONFOUNDED THING? VILLAINS LIKE WALTER WOLF, SID THE SQUID, AND BEANIE THE BISON. YOU BOYS DESERVE THIS AWARD MORE THAN I DO. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE ACADEMY. THIS HAS TO BE THE HIGH POINT OF OUR CAREERS. NOT QUITE, BU YOU'RE GETTING THERE. [APPLAUSE] SLAPPY SQUIRREL, YOU'VE JUST WON THE LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW? I'M GOING TOBED. NOW, THAT'S COMEDY.