Put That Putter Away

(Scene opens up in Candace's room.)

Stacy: Hey, Candace. When I heard you were sick, I came right over. Today I am your servant.

Candace: (Hoarsely) Gosh. What a good friend. (Coughs)

Stacy: I brought you a get-well package. Miso soup-- heats itself, don't ask-- Who Wants To Be A Total Idiot 3, and rocky road ice cream! You don't want everything to be good. And you don't have to worry about your brothers - your mom says they're off playing miniature golf. (Scoffs) How lame is that?

(At Little Duffers)

Phineas: Hey, guys. What gives?

Isabella: Little Duffers has closed its doors forever. And I was all set to destroy you on the mini links.

Buford: I was gonna bury you on the fairway.

Baljeet: Metaphorically, right?

Buford: Oh, yeah, right.

Phineas: But how can they close Little Duffers? I've been coming here since I was little. Littler, anyway. Huh?

( Bagpipes)

Owner: (Scottish accent) Sorry, lads, but Little Duffers is officially out of business.

Phineas: But this is the only miniature golf course in Danville.

Owner: Aye. People just don't respect the game anymore. They think it's just golf in miniature. But it's not! It's miniature golf.

All: Gosh.

Phineas: It's a sad thing when a town loses a major sports franchise.

Owner: But kids today only go for the stuff that's all shiny and new and high-tech. Ah, the Scotsman in me tells me ( Bagpipes) to hold on stubbornly to the bitter end! But then again, I'm half Irish. ( Irish dance)

(On a street)

Phineas: That's too bad. This was the perfect day for miniature golf. Hey, everyone, I know what we're gonna do today.

(At the Flynn-Fletcher house)

Phineas: (to Linda) Hi, Mom. We'll be out back building a miniature golf course.

Linda: That's fine, dear. After all, it's only golf in miniature.

(In Candace's room a cranking sound is heard)

Candace: (Hoarsely) What's that?

Stacy: Your brothers own a giant crane? No way!

Candace: They are so bu... bu... bu... (Writes on a notepad then hands it to Stacy)

Stacy: What's this? Dancing weasels? (Candace rotates the notepad) Oh, "busted." Oh, you want me to bust your brothers. You know, you really gotta work on your penmanship.

Candace: (Hoarsely) Find out what they're up to and report back to me.

Stacy: No problemo. I'll handle it.

Candace: Ah-ah... achoo!

(In the backyard)

Phineas: (Gasps) Awesome plan. We should be finished before lunch.

Stacy: Listen up, twerps. Just because Candace is sick doesn't mean you can get away with anything. I am now her eyes, ears and mouth. Basically I'm her whole face.

Phineas: What a good friend.

Stacy: Yeah, right? She wrote you this message.

Phineas: Hmm... Weasels. I think she means it.

Stacy: I knew they were weasels! So anyway, what's all this?

Phineas: We're only making the greatest miniature golf course in the whole world! Or at least in Danville.

Stacy: Isn't it kind of big?

Phineas: Well, you know, it isn't golf in miniature.

(In Candace's room)

Stacy: It's miniature golf! And it's so unbelievably cool! With a windmill and a dinosaur, and – (Candace silences Stacy by covering her mouth with her hand)

Candace: (Hoarsely) You must not be seduced by the coolness! Focus!

Stacy: You're right. I can do this if I stay focused. Focus, focus, focus! Hey, where's Perry?

Dooby, dooby, doo

Dooby, dooby, doo

Major Monogram: Just looking over your request for vacation time. We're ready to approve it, but there's one small problem. And by "small problem," I mean "big problem." And by "approve it," I mean "deny it." Sorry, Agent P. I know you've been putting in a lot of extra hours, but we've got word that Dr. Doofenshmirtz has bought a new house in the suburbs. Three bedroom, two and a half baths, central air. Nice place. We need you to find out what he's up to. Here's his new address. Good luck, Agent P.

Perry!

Doofenshmirtz's house in the suburbs!

(In the backyard)

Stacy: Okay. Focus, focus, focus. You can do this, Stacy. Don't get seduced by the coolness. Wuh-oh. "Elevator to the coolness"? (Steps on to the elevator) This is so cool!

Phineas: Okay, Ferb, you're up.

Stacy: Phineas.

Phineas: Oh. Hey, Stacy. What do you think of our miniature golf course?

Stacy: It's so... I mean, I've come to deliver a message with an unimpressed demeanor.

Phineas: Cool. We're on our way to the next hole. Why don't you come along?

Stacy: Well, okay, but--

Phineas: Great!

(Song: "Quirky Worky Song")

Soodyup, diddyup di-di-di-di-dee-da

Soodyup, diddyup di-di-di-di-dee-da

Soodyup, diddyup di-di-di-di-dee-da

Soodyup, diddyup -di-di-di-dee-da

Soodyup, diddyup di-di-di-di-dee-da

Di-di-di-di-dee-da Da-da-da-da-da

Phineas: So, Stacy, what was it you were gonna tell us?

Stacy: Oh, right, well, Candace is gonna... call...!

Soodyupdiddyup di-di-di-di-dee-da

Stacy: What kind of hole is this, anyway?

Phineas: It's the air hockey hole. Check it out.

Stacy: Wicked!

Buford: Hey, look at us. We're glidin' on air.

(bell rings)

Stacy: Hole in one! I mean, goal! I mean...

Stacy: Yeah! We all, like, freaked out! Can you believe it?

Candace: (Hoarsely) No, no, I can't. Did you, by any chance, tell them I was going to call mom?

Stacy: Uh, I was gonna, but the elevator and the slide, and... (Candace slaps her hand over Stacy's mouth)

Candace: (Hoarsely) Hush! Focus! We need evidence! Two words: video phone.

(Doofenshmirtz's house in the suburbs)

Male Voice: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, by Mark Twain. Translated into evil. Chapter one. "Tom Sawyer's dislike of Aunt Polly was rivaled only by his hatred of puppies."

Doofenshmirtz: Waah! Oof! Perry the Platypus! You scared the dunkelschtup out of me! Don't you know it's rude to bust in on someone's new home unannounced and... (Gasps) A housewarming gift? Oh, how thoughtful! How thoughtful. Thank you. Look, Perry the Platypus, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm not really up to anything terribly nasty today. So, you're welcome to chill out here for the day. It's nice, huh? Huh? What do you think? If you need, I'll even sign something that says I was up to no good.

(At the miniature golf course)

Soodyup, diddyup di-di-di-di-dee-da

Soodyup, diddyup di-di-di-di-e-da

Soodyup, diddyup di-di-di-di-dee-da

Di-di-di-di-dee-da da-da-da-da-da

(Bell dings)

(Buford screams)

Stacy: Are you catching this?

Candace: (Hoarsely) Yes! Yes! This time we've got them, but you need get the boys in the picture. (Giggles then Coughs)

Phineas: There you are. We've been looking all over for you.

Stacy: Me?

Phineas: You gotta play through.

Stacy: Hold this.

Candace: (Hoarsely) Stacy, what are you doing? Focus!

Phineas: Nice focus.

Candace: (Hoarsely) Aahh!

Stacy: What was that?

Phineas: Sounds like the crowd's going wild.

Stacy: That is so cool!

Candace: (Hoarsely) Aah!

i-di-di-di-d- dah-dah-dah-dah

Soodyup, diddyup di-di-di-di-dee-da

Soodyup, diddyup di-di-di-di-dee-da

Soodyup, diddyup di-di-di-di-dee-da

Di-di-di-di-dee- dah-dah-dah-dah

(bell rings)

Stacy: Whoo-hoo! Yes, yes, yes!

Candace: (Hoarsely) No, no, no!

Phineas: Well, here we are. We've reached the final hole. You better put on your dancin' shoes.

(Song: "Disco Miniature Golfing Queen")

Steppin' on the greens in her designer jeans

She's a Disco Miniature Golfing Queen

Wearin' plaid and sequins, she can make the scene

She's a Disco Miniature Golfing Queen

Like a vision for a disco golf magazine

With her putter, she's a hole-in-one machine

She can dance and sing and really shake her thing

She's a Disco Miniature Golfing Queen

She's a Disco Miniature Golfing Queen!

(In Candace's room)

Candace: (Hoarsely) Poor Stacy. What was I thinking? Okay, Candace. Looks like it's up to you. (She gets off her bed. As she takes tiny steps her slippers squeak)

(Doofenshmirtz's house in the suburbs)

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, this is nice, eh? But, you know, I don't think suburban life is for me. I'm thinking of just adding a breakfast nook and flipping the property. The main problem is my neighbor, Phil. He is truly diabolical. His fruit falls into my yard, his dog poops on my lawn, he leaves his trash cans out too long, and... Oh, I'm at my wit's end! And the worst, the absolute worst, is his leaf blower.

Okay, that's it! Time to end this once and for all! And no one is stopping me!

Behold, Perry the Platypus! The ultimate suburban weapon: the Atomic Leaf Blower-inator! This will be the last time his stray leaves blow onto my lawn.

Yah! Aahh! Turn it off! Turn it off!

Good, just like planned. Now, I'll blow every leaf onto his property! Ha-ha-ha-ha--ha-ha!

Candace: (Hoarsely) At least the golf course can't vanish if they're still in it. Come on, Mom.

Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Phil the neighbor!

(Crash)

(In Linda's car)

Linda: Candace, what are you doing out of bed? Wasn't Stacy taking care of you?

Candace: (Hoarsely) She was seduced by the coolness. Follow that miniature golf course!

Linda: What does that even mean?

Candace: (Hoarsely) Look behind you!

Linda: I don't see anything.

(At Little Duffers)

Farmer's wife: You know you should've been setting aside a portion of your profits over the years with the understatement that money would be used to upgrade your vestment. What did you think? A shiny new miniature golf course would just fall out of the sky?

Owner: You'd be surprised what falls out of the sky in Danville.

Linda: Oh, isn't that great? They remodeled Little Duffers.

Phineas: I still don't know how we ended up at Little Duffers.

Ferb: I don't know why we didn't build it here in the first place.

Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry.

Stacy: Candace! Did you hear? I won! I actually won in miniature golf! It just goes to show you that if you focus, you can accomplish anything. (Sneezes)

(The ending of the Phineas and Ferb Theme plays. Then the music suddenly stops)

(In Candace's room)

Stacy: Sorry, I forgot to bust your brothers.

Candace: (Hoarsely) It's okay. I'm sorry I got you sick.