Crawl Space

[plays back chewing]

Gene.

[adds reverb]

Gene. Gene.

[burps] what?

Stop.

Bob, no more newspaper, please.

My parents are gonna be here any minute.

I know.

You know how I know they're coming?

Because you go into a crazy cleaning frenzy every time.

It's like the way animals freak out before an earthquake.

That's nice.

That's not true.

She's spooked.

Louise, you're gettin' cereal everywhere.

I'm having a seizure!

Put a wallet in my mouth!

It passed.

Look at this place.

It's a disaster.

You haven't even fixed the leak yet.

Come on.

Linda, the leak is contained.

Bobby!

What?

You barely notice those.

Aah!

I'm ok.

Trust me, Bobby.

My mother will notice that our ceiling is leaking.

[sighs] Yeah, you're right.

She will, repeatedly and loudly.

Just fix it, please.

Be my All-American fix-it man, Bobby.

Fine. I'll go up to the attic and fix the leak.

But I also need you and the kids to work out Whose room my folks are sleepin' in, Because I have to go check the bathroom for stray hairs.

No one sheds like this family.

It's like a bunch of chewbaccas.

So where are grandma and grandpa gonna sleep?

Gene's room smells like farts.

That makes sense.

Great. Well, we'll put 'em in there, then.

Maybe they'll leave sooner when they smell farts.

Yeah.

Gene can sleep with me in my room As long as he doesn't mind my night terrors.

Huh?

Remember, you let me watch "night of the living dead" when I was 8, So now I wake up every night standing in the middle of my room, Scratching the air, and kicking.

Oh, good.

Wait. You still get those?

Yeah. They're weirder now.

Oh, boy.

I think my subconscious fears and my budding sexuality Are getting all mixed up.

Ok, I--Tina, I don't want to hear it.

So I think I'm being attacked by zombies, And I start screaming, "do you wanna make out?"

And I make out with it.

Hmm.

I might just bunk with Gram and Gramps.

Ok, enough.

Gene, Louise, you sleep in Tina's room.

Tina, you're quarantined.

You sleep alone.

We'll strap you down or something.

Leave my lips free.

Hey. Hey!

Gene, just 'cause grandma and grandpa are comin', Doesn't mean you're gonna get out of doin' homework.

How far are you on that history report?

So far, I just got the title--

"history: A blast from the past."

Ok. After we get my parents settled, Your father's gonna help you with that.

Right, bob?

Have it on my desk by 5:00.

I am not writing your report for you.

Hey! Ok, everybody, I have an announcement to make.

I am on a ladder.

Stop shaking it.

I feel like I shouldn't have to say that.

Dad, why do you get so mad when grandma Gloria And grandpa al come over to visit?

Do you hate them?

I don't hate them.

Just grandma.

Or I don't hate her, just the sound she makes And her voice and the things she says.

Agh!

Al!

[all gasp]

[clears throat]

[sighs]

Wanna hear my impression of her?

Yes.

Al!

Linda: I'm not hearing this, right?

Sorry. I mean, she's your Gram Gram.

We love her.

[whispering] We hate her.

I fixed the leak!

Good! Don't stay up there too long, 'cause I wanna sorta have a nice visit Before we open the restaurant!

Uh, I mean, almost done!

Huh?

Wow. This is amazing.

Eh, whose room am I behind?!

Tina: Mine.

Hi, Tina.

Are you in the wall or in my horse poster?

Please say, "horse poster."

I'm a horse.

[neighs]

Oh, wait. I can go sideways, too.

Are you in another dimension?

Do you see a lion or a witch or a wardrobe?

A what?

A lion, a witch, or a wardrobe!

Why are you saying that, Gene?

It's a book.

Oh, right, right.

A kid's book. Yeah.

Yeah, by salman rushdie.

It's not by salman rushdie.

Of course it is.

It isn't.

Yes, it is.

I'm not gonna talk to you anymore, Gene.

I'm in a wall.

Go look it up, though.

I just did.

It's salman rushdie.

[doorbell rings]

Linda: They're here!

Bob, come out of the wall, please!

Yeah.

Hello!

Al!

Oh, my god.

Don't leave our bags out there on the street.

Are you crazy?

[clears throat]

What are all these pots doing on the floor?

Bob'll pick 'em up, mom.

Bob, quit foolin' around in there.

You're gonna get yourself stuck.

Eh, uh, uh-oh!

Lin! Lin!

Yes? What?

You're never gonna believe this.

What is it? What?

I'm stuck!

[fanfare plays]

[sniffs]

Shouldn't have farted.

Gloria: Who's trapped in the wall?

Bob.

Bob: Me.

Bob can't fit in the wall.

He's overweight.

Mom.

What?

He can't hear me.

Yes, I can.

I'm right here.

I'd like to order a hamburger.

No, al! He can't have a hamburger.

He can have a turkey burger.

There's no such thing as a turkey burger.

Go read your "maxim."

Dad gets "maxim"?

No. He found it in the recycling at the condo.

Who's on the cover?

The girls of "coyote ugly."

I don't think they're even alive anymore.

Lin, we need to open the restaurant.

Hey, I bet I can get down there.

What are you talking about?

You can go down?

Kids, you meet me down there, ok?

You're gonna be my eyes and my hands.

Ok. We're down there.

No, you're not.

You haven't moved!

I'm turning on the grill!

Beep boop. Whoosh!

That's not the sound the grill makes.

Go down to the restaurant.

Ok, so the special comes with feta cheese, And it's called never been feta.

Heh. Did you hear that?

Are you laughing?

Ha. Ha ha!

I hear you laughing.

Are you writing it?

Yep.

Never been feta.

Good. All right, I'm gonna go get Tina set up on the grill.

This is going great!

[grunts]

Hey, kids!

Gene! Louise!

Hey!

Hey.

Take this.

That's my pee.

Oh. Uhh.

Yeah.

Empty it out and bring it back, ok?

This'll be our system.

Uh...

You're my pee guy.

Dad's pee.

Ohh. Bob, I called Teddy the Contractor!

He's coming right away to get you out!

What? No. Lin, that's not necessary.

Of course it is.

You're stuck in the wall.

No, I know. Just you know how Teddy is.

Talky Teddy, yap yap yap.

What, you don't have time for his stories?

Are you very, very busy today?

Uh, no.

You're in a tight spot, huh, Bobby?

A little bit, Teddy.

Ehh. I've heard of buildings like this, you know, With false walls.

Uh-huh.

It's a prohibition thing.

Oh.

Yeah, this town, it used to be a bootleggers port.

A lot of people don't know that.

That's interesting.

Yeah. My great-uncle used to run a speakeasy here in town.

It was called swanky's, place called swanky's.

You ever hear of a cocktail called the swanky-panky?

No.

It's made with 2 parts vermouth--

Teddy. Teddy.

Teddy, listen.

Don't get me out today, ok?

Tell Linda you have to come back tomorrow.

I got the sawzall in the truck. I don't even--

No, no, no.

Teddy, listen.

Tell her that you need a permit or something.

You want to stay in the wall, Bob?

Don't judge, Teddy.

Don't judge.

There's nothing wrong with a man enjoying his crawl space Till his in-laws leave.

No. It's just, you know, I heard about this guy That hid out in a wall from the police.

He went bonkers, Bob.

You know, when they found him, He was chewin' on a 2x4, Wearin' nothin' but copper wire.

That's a great story, Teddy.

Just come back tomorrow.

Ok. I still gotta charge you for today, though.

Today? You just stood there talking.

Bob, you know, my therapist says That if I don't value my time, nobody's goin' to.

All right. You're right.

Right. Just...

All right. I'm just gonna write it up As a consultation.

No friend prices.

All right, do whatever you have to do And just drop the bill down the shaft.

All right.

Did you get it?

Did you drop it?

I dropped it.

I didn't get it.

Well, I can't have the--you know, the things outstanding.

Teddy, I'll look for it, all right?

Find it.

Write another one, then!

I don't have--now I gotta go to the truck.

Ok, as you can see, I'm spending my first night Inside the walls of my own house.

I borrowed Gene's camera so I can document my experience.

Linda: Come on, Bob.

It's late.

And Louise has loaned me her Kuchi Kupi night light.

Louise: Kuchi Kopi.

Kuchi Kopi.

Kuchi Kopi night light.

Anyway, here's where I'm gonna sleep tonight.

I'll show you.

Gloria: Oh, Al. Yes.

[moaning]

Oh, my god.

I hope they're using protection cause I'm not taking care of that baby.

I'm gonna sample it.

[Tina moaning]

Well, hello.

Funny seeing you here.

Whoa. Double trouble.

Ok, let's do this.

[clears throat]

You sound like my grandmother.

[like al] what?

I can't hear you.

And you sound like my grandfather.

Please stop touching each other.

Please stop touching each other.

Aah!

[groaning]

Gene, you ready to give your report?

Oh. Uh...

My grandparents are staying with us, And they were both alive during prohibition.

So this is what it sounds like When they have s*x in the room next to mine.

Gloria: Oww. Oww. Ahh.

O-o-o-oww oww.

Al: What?

Oww.

Principal's office! Now!

O-o-oww oww!

Right.

Ahhhhh hah.

Father, in life, this restaurant was your curse.

Now, in death, your restless spirit haunts this place.

Speak to us, father!

Bob: Louise, is that you?

Did you hear that?

Yes. It's Louise!

Your daughter!

Go to the light, father!

Oh, ok, I see.

Very funny. I'm a ghost.

Ask him anything you wanna know about the other side.

Are you the ghost from the movie "ghost"?

No. Louise already told you I'm the ghost of her dead dad.

Come on.

Next question.

Are you the ghost from the movie "Ghost Dad"?

What did I just say?

This is what you ask a ghost?

You know what this makes me wanna do?

Eat your souls!

Run!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Oh, god!

He got me!

At least you're holding me now.

What is going on over here?

Bob: Uh, sorry, Lin.

Well, I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.

I'll go back to running the kitchen, Busing tables, and taking care of the kids.

Oh, boy.

Lin, don't be mad.

Come here.

No.

Come over toward my hand.

All right. All right.

Let me stroke your hair the way you like.

Isn't this nice?

[clears throat]

Oh, god.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Linda, that's your mom's throat clear exactly.

Yes. And?

Well, first you make sounds like her.

Next thing, you'll be yelling, "no burgers. Read your 'Maxim.'"

I mean, you already kind of nag like she does. Whoop.

Where's the hair?

I am not turning into my mother!

That bathroom is filthy.

Who was the last person in there?

You go back in there and you wipe the seat.

Bob: Hey, no nagging my customers!

Don't you yell at my mother!

What's that, Nagatha Christie?

Linda, sweetheart, you've got more than you can handle here.

Your father and I have decided to stay another night.

What?! No!

We'll stay as long as we need to.

No, no, no! No!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I got detention.

Aw, come on.

Yeah. But I don't wanna beat myself up about it, Since it's really dad's fault.

[gasps] it's your history report.

Yeah.

Thanks, mom.

We're gonna--

You know what?

We're gonna need you.

We'll take all the help we can get around here.

No, no, no. No.

Linda, I'm gonna get out of here.

They don't have to stay.

I have--

I have an idea, A new idea I just thought of On how I can get out right away.

[grunts]

Oh, boy.

[thump]

Ow.

[clang]

Ow! Son of a bitch!

Where did he go?

I can--I can hear him.

Lin...

Yeah?

I'm stuck.

Yeah, I know, bob.

No, I'm really stuck.

What are you talking about? [gasps]

Are you telling me you weren't stuck before?!

No.

You were fakin' it.

[telephone rings]

I can't believe this.

[ring]

Bob's Burgers.

Teddy: Hi, Linda.

It's Teddy.

Oh, hi, Teddy.

Hey, I'm on my way over to get Bob out.

You know what?

We actually don't need you to come and get Bob out.

Oh, really?

Yeah, he's fine.

What? No! We--

Teddy! Te-- we need--

I need to come out!

Bye, Teddy.

Teddy!

Have fun in there!

Linda!

Ok, day 3 stuck in the wall.

I sure would love to go poo.

That would be good.

Oww!

Yep. Ok. I can't get out that way.

Ohh. I got a big splinter.

Uhh. Feel a little faint.

Uhh. Keep it together, Bob.

Are there spiders everywhere?

Aah! On me! On me!

Aah! Spi--

You understand me, don't you, night light?

[sobbing]

Tell me. Why did you Want to have a séance in your family's restaurant?

And when exactly did your father pass away?

Uh, I forget.

Give me your hands.

Let's summon his spirit now.

If that'll help,p, sure.

Ok. I need you to hum with me, please.

Hum with you?

Yeah. [humming]

[both humming]

♪ ung ung ung ung ung ung ♪

Big door.

Was this always here?

[Big band music playing]

Wow. There's a speakeasy in the crawl space.

What a great idea.

Nice to see you, Mr. Bob.

Nice to see you, Kuchi Kopi.

What'll it be, Mr. Bob?

Give me some hooch, your best bootleg hooch.

[laps] heh.

How are things going, Mr. Bob?

Things could be better, Kuchi.

Things could be a whole lot better.

Do you need to use the facilities, Mr. Bob?

Go number 2?

I'm glad you asked, Kuchi.

Yes, I do need to go number 2.

Yes, I do, a lot.

Here's my creation.

I call it the Tunami.

You're gonna sell a million of these.

You know, that tastes so good, I say we make it the burger of the day.

So your mother-in-law is quite willful.

Yeah, she is.

She needs to be corrected.

What does that mean?

Killed.

Wow. You turned into a mean little night light, Kuchi.

Did you know your wife and your mother-in-law Are trying to interfere with your business?

They are?

My business?

Yes. They are attempting to bring An outside protein into the situation.

An outside protein?

Tuna.

Tuna?!

[thinking]

I'm so tired.

My grandparents are haunting my dreams.

I need a nap.

[whistle blows]

I could crawl up in the ceiling and sleep.

That's what dad would do.

Yeah. I'm gonna make him proud of me.

Oh, it's nice up here.

Boy: Man, you're ripped.

Your abs look like challah bread.

Second boy: Thanks.

You look...

Oh, my god. The boys' locker room must be right over there.

I'll sleep later.

Bob, raspy: Poison.

What?

Mercury poisoning In the tuna fish!

[dramatic music plays]

Bob, stop.

[mocking] "Bob, stop."

[Normal] Good one, Kuchi.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, no one, just a friend.

He's losing it in there.

Ok, it's time for you to come out.

There is no out, Linda, Not anymore.

Where am I?

Am I here, or am I here?

Bob--

I'm everywhere!

I'm calling the fire department.

[whispering] Drop the towel.

There it is again.

Did you hear it?

Drop the--

Aah!

3 siblings in trouble in 2 days, That's a red flag right there.

What's going on with you guys?

Our father got trapped in the wall.

Is that how he died?

Dad's dead?

Good job, Mr. Frond.

We were gonna tell her on father's day.

Now we have nothing to do on father's day!

Ok, you know what you are?

You are kids in crisis.

We need to conduct a home visit today.

Yeah!

Ok. Ok.

Let's get over there.

Oh, my gosh.

What are those?

Grief puppets.

Bring 'em.

We're gonna need 'em.

What about those?

Are you gonna bring those?

Crisis crayons?

You think?

Crisis crayons, absolutely.

I've got so many drawings that I need to do.

[eager giggle]

Linda: Hey, I-I'm sorry.

It's a little loud in here.

Y-you're coming for a home visit when?

Right there. Chop.

Don't do it.

I'm staying in here.

He's loopy. Chop.

I'm never coming out!

Yeah, we see this all the time.

I'll chop a hole, but it's probably not gonna do it.

You'll have to put some food out.

What's going on?

They probably got complaints about the smell And came to get the body out of the wall.

You mean it's still in there?

Well, parts of him.

Oh, my god.

It's a real crisis, Mr. Frond!

Yeah.

It's a crisis!

Yeah! Crisis!

We're all in crisis!

All right! Ok!

Don't you take my daddy out of the wall!

Bob, I'm sitting here With the counselor from school, Who thinks you're dead, So this would be a great time to grow up and help out.

Bob: A counselor?

What is this, camp?

Heh heh heh.

I'm funny in the wall.

I--ho! Ho! Ho!

Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

Your husband is not dead?

No, just aggravating.

Ok, why would Louise let me think that he was dead?

Oh, she just likes messing with people she thinks are stup--

I know!

What? I--

How about a burger?

Want something from the restaurant, a burger?

No. I don't eat meat.

Ah.

Bob, soft: Kill him.

[Normal] shut up, Kuchi.

I've got some nice ground beef for you, Bob.

[clears throat]

Bob!

I'm starting to get a better picture here.

Right now I'm looking up guidelines for when and how Social services should get involved in a case like this.

What?!

Yeah.

Social services?

Yeah.

What?!

Yeah!

[clears throat]

That throat-clearing sound, It's coming from inside the wall!

Bob!

Oh, my god!

Bob, come towards my voice.

I'll yell.

Aah!

Aah!

My mother's visiting us.

Gloria: Stop crawling away!

Bob: This isn't happening!

Get ahold of yourself!

Don't shake me.

I might go to the bathroom.

Here's Bobby.

I found him.

Aah!

Ohh!

That's hot!

[both groaning]

Ahh.

Oww.

[toilet flushes]

Oh. Wow.

Much better.

Bad modeling, poor boundaries--

Well, really, no boundaries.

I'm gonna have to make some calls.

Wait, Mr. Frond, now that I have a clear head, I want to apologize to everybody.

Hiding in the walls was selfish and dumb.

And, Linda, I'm sorry I called you Nagatha Christie.

It was in the heat of the moment, And it was really dumb.

Aww. Thank you, Bobby.

I mean, I can do better, Like spiro nagnew.

Heh.

All right, quit while you're ahead.

Naggedy ann?

Secretary of nagriculture?

Ha!

Now, that one's funny.

That one's funny.

I like--ha ha ha!

I'm not a--

I'm not a nag.

That's funny, though. I like it.

Social services?

Now, hold on there, pal.

Hey--eh!

Are you married?

You have kids?

No a-and no.

Listen to me.

My daughter is the best mother in the world, And this one, he is nuts, but guess what.

Having a family makes you go nuts.

So if you don't have kids, I don't think you know enough To be calling in anyone.

In fact, I don't think you come out Looking so good here yourself.

I wonder if you even got permission from the school To come over here today.

He didn't.

He took us away from learning!

We were in the car with Mr. Frond, And he didn't make us wear seat belts.

What?!

[stammers]

How about you put your phone and your little notebook Back in your pocket there and leave this family alone!

Heh. Ok. All right.

All right. All right.

All right.

Gloria, thank you.

Come back soon, you two.

Bye, Gram.

Bye, Gramps.

See you in my dreams.

Well, I have a room to refart.

Dad, can I have my night light back now?

No.

Give it to me.

Stop it.

Give it to me.

Stop it.

Give it.

Stop it.

It's my night light.

No. Stop.

This is embarrassing to me.

No!

You're a grown man!

I'm keeping it!