Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life

1 You guys wanna handle this for me? On it, boss. On it. I just said that. Why do you even set this thing, Rafe, if you're not gonna go to sleep? Give me the blaster, quick. Ready. Aim. Fire! Check the barrel. Uh-oh. Ah, that never gets old. Great. Now I have two headaches. Let's blast it. On three. One... Rafe. Rafe? Rise and shine, buddy. Rafe. Are you up? Wake up! What? Oh, boy. Is it morning already? Please tell me you did not stay up all night drawing again. No, of course not. No, the only reason I would ever be up all night is just because I'm so excited to go to school today. But I wasn't up all night. Come here. Why? Gross. What're you doing? I'm wiping the excitement off your face. It looks a lot like ink. Mom, where's my breakfast? It's coming. Georgia, for the millionth time, Calvin's not allowed in my room. For the billionth time, it's Mr. giggles to you. And just because you're grumpy doesn't give you the right to make the rest of us miserable. Okay, guys, come on. Let's go, Calvin. We don't have to take this. You know, hon, I have to say, really impressive updates for the Vinlothian star cruiser. Thanks. Look... I know it's hard, starting a new school mid-semester, and I don't wanna take this away from you, but you have to promise me you won't spend every waking, sleeping moment working on this when there's a whole big world out there. Mom, there's a whole big world in there, too. I'm talking about the real world. Give it a try, would you? For me? Hmm? Okay. On the menu for today, we have a farro basil salad with tomato coulis. You know, Georgia and I would be completely fine if you just made us, like, a bologna sandwich. I'm a sous-chef, not a chemical engineer. Oh, and for dessert, we have a deconstructed lime tart. Why'd you deconstruct it? I don't know. I don't wanna do something the same old, regular way. Where's the imagination in that? If you wanna stand out, you wanna make a difference, you gotta think outside the box. Did you order an Uber? Oh, man! She's gonna get me arrested. Better you than me. Hello! Not getting any younger here. Uh, do that again, and you're not getting any older either. I was just pulling it around to save time. Never again. Move. You should wanna be early, too, considering your track record. I'm sorry. I can't hear you. Fine. Shut me out. But I'm the only one willing to give you the cold hard facts. You've been kicked out of two schools in one year. Georgia, I'll handle the lectures. Go for it. No, thank you. I'm tired of that lecture. See, you're exhausting people. This is the last school that'll take you. And if you mess up here, you're gonna end up at a new school called "prison elementary." So get your head out of your Keister. Uh-tut-tut-tut-tut! I'm just trying to help a brother out, mom. Look how nice it looks. It's gonna be a great first day. I can just feel it. So just be polite and don't forget to listen. I'm sorry, what? See, this is why kids shouldn't have Espresso. No, no, no, I told you no more coffee. Narc. Addict. Snitches get stitches. Stop. Listen. They have me working a double again, so Carl's gonna pick you up. No! Why? I know. It's been a tough year for all of us. But he's there for me when I need him. And lately, I've really needed him. So let's all put on our be-nice-to-Carl faces, okay? Okay, we'll work on it, we'll work on it. Listen, have a great first day. I love you so much. Be on your best behavior. Okay? Quiet in the hallways, please. Okay? I'd like to have a silent hallway one of these days. Excuse me, young man. What is your name? Rafe Khatchadorian. What did you just say to me? It's my last name. I'm new. Well, being new does not entitle you to swagger in here with no clothes on. I'm... I'm wearing clothes. No, those aren't clothes. Those are rule violations. Every single thing you have on flies in the face of rule number 22. What's rule number 22? Are you telling me that you haven't read our code of conduct? All right, if I don't tell you, I won't get in trouble, right? Unbelievable. The code of conduct, young man. Read it, learn it, live it. Rule number 22 is, "always obey the dress code." That means no printed shirts, no wild colors. Look what's happening to the collar of your shirt here. Your headphones are dragging it open. Nobody needs to see where your chest hairs are going to be. Yeah, okay, yeah, got it. "Got it"? How about, "got it, sir"? Rule number one here at hills village is to respect your principal. And since I am the principal, that means you need to respect me by calling me "sir," or if you prefer, "principal Dwight." Or maybe even "sir Dwight," if you like. Good. You have recognized my keen sense of humor. Not everybody does. Good man. Okay, good. All right. On your way into school, which is that way. There he is! Ah, intense, huh? Mmm-hmm. Hey, Georgia thought I was gonna end up in prison, but I think I'm already here. Yeah, well, you know, at least in prison we can carve, like, shanks out of toothbrushes, you know. It's good to see you, Leo. Honestly, I didn't think you'd be here, too. This was the last school in the district that would take us. Holla! Holla! - It's so weird... - Excuse me. Is your name David? No. Were you carved by Michelangelo? No. Stop standing around like a statue. You're blocking the flow of traffic. Yeah, you heard the warden, get back to your cell, Rafe. Hallway etiquette is no laughing matter, young man. And rule number 11 clearly states, "no loitering in the halls." Okay. Okay? Okay, sir? It's vice principal Stricker. Go, now. Shon. Yeah? Do you know how to sync this to your phone? Um... probably not. Doesn't your dad work at best buy? Oh, yeah, he does. Just in marketing. So you don't get any free stuff? I do, but mostly office supplies. You got it? It's just homeroom. We'll wait. Okay, let's start class. Bella? Bella. Please put your phone away during class. You can't rate teachers on yelp anyway. I've tried. So we have a new student today. I'm assuming you are... I'm a transfer student, sir. Oh, you don't have to call me "sir." Makes me feel old. And I already feel old. I drive a Saturn. It's just, principal Dwight told me to call everyone "sir." It's one of his rules. Okay. Well, I don't see any principal Dwight in here. Do you? Seriously, do you? Because he is a master of disguise. So we have a new transfer student today whose name I'm realizing I did not ask just now. What's your name? Rafe Khatchadorian. Whoa! It would suck to have to spell that dumb name. Well, Rafe, welcome to hell. Back to the homework from last night. You all listened to the Drake and future mixtape last night. Because today we will be talking about fair trade. Okay. There's a hot track and it's produced by future's Hendrix crew. Drizzy, champagne papi, is in the studio with future and he says, "hey, yo, let me get on that track." "Well, I'ma have to charge you." And what does Drake say back? "Charge me? I thought we were boys." "We're the best of boys. "We're gonna make a mixtape together." But there's a tax. Not anymore, once NATO came along. Teller, it's NAFTA, not NATO. Ah? What? Word? Shon is right, it is NAFTA. So, now there is no tax. So champagne papi and young Hendrix can be on each other's tracks without having to charge anybody. Much the way that America and Canada have goods importing and exporting. Hey, kick-a-dorkian. Does anyone have any questions, comments? It's Miller time. Stay out of my way, or I'll wedgie you so bad you'll be able to taste your underwear. How? Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready for the pain event. Oh, this one always delivers a fistful of hollers! The grip-n-rip! Holy Yosemite! Want to lodge a complaint? It's the beaver-tail! Irritating, even to people just watching, the man-bun! Over-rated and over-exposed, the Kardashian! You get that I can kick your butt, right? My bad. There is an agreement. Sorry. Free trade. For tomorrow, I want everybody to become familiar with every single member of the Wu-tang clan. We're gonna take a little trip to the Bronx. So, in conclusion... I'm not just gonna stand here and make a bunch of promises. Just this. You should vote for me because my dad is super rich and my stepmom is really hot. Oh, ho, ho! Stormin' Norman, what a speech! Well done. Hey. Uh, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Jeanne Galleta, President of the av club. I'm guessing most of you don't know what that is, since I'm also the only member. Gandhi once said, "we have to be the change we wish to see." And the way I see it, cutting funding for the arts... Hello. Was just dumb. We have to bring it back, so we can express ourselves as human beings and not just a bunch of robots. Also, we've gotta do something about this dress code, okay? It stifles individuality! Oh, look at that, we're out of time. Sorry, miss Galleta. Gosh. No, no, no. Please. No, don't clap. - No need to be polite. - Thank you. Just hold your clapping till the end. I think we're probably all voting for Norman anyway, right? I've seen his stepmom. You're not kidding. All right, folks, you know... That's not funny. Why is this wrapped around... Let's not wrap the microphone around the stand anymore. It's annoying. Folks, in two months, we will all be competing for something of the utmost importance. Who knows what I'm referring to? B.L.A.A.R. I can't hear you! B.L.A.A.R.! Now you're just yelling. No yelling! That's right. In eight short weeks, we will all be taking the baseline assessment of academic readiness! All right. Hey, you there! Do you love your parents? I guess so. Hear me when I tell you, you don't love them an eighth as much as I love this test! A few years ago, my wife asked me to stop paying so much attention to the b.L.A.A.R. And pay a little more attention to her. Well, she's gone now, and I have no regrets. And, folks, if we are going to maintain our number one standing, which we most certainly do wanna do... This is hilarious! Oh, my gosh! Zombie Dwight! Only the b.L.A.A.R. And nothing but the b.L.A.A.R. No, come on, give it... Hey, what's with all the kerfuffle out there? This is legit hilarious. Hey! Hand over the notebook, Deenie, if you know what's good for you. Smart move! Oh! This concludes our assembly. I don't look like that. I don't look like that at all. Son, as principal, I think of myself as the father of this school. And there's nothing I wouldn't do to protect a child. Do you follow me? Sure. Yeah. You think the students are your children. What? No. The students aren't my children. The school is my child. And you attacked my child today. You punched it in the face. What kind of a person punches a child in the face? That was a very important assembly, and you ruined it. I know. I'm sorry. Honestly, I was just doodling. Listen, man, I am totally into creativity. I really dig it. I'm a hip cat from way back. You better believe it. But it doesn't belong in school. Art should be locked up in a museum where old people can enjoy it or children on field trips. We get to go on field trips to art museums? God, no. No. That's a complete waste of time. We're not doing that. All right! Rule number 26. Read it out loud, please. "Rule 26. "Any written material deemed "inappropriate or offensive will be "confiscated and destroyed"? And destroyed. Very good. You're a good reader. Gus, bring your bucket in here, please. The yellow bucket. This is a bucket full of acid that will completely dissolve your notebook. It's probably not a great idea to keep a bucket full of acid in a middle school, but if you can think of a better way to dissolve notebooks, I'm all ears. Why are you still here? Mmm. All right! Goodbye, offensive and inappropriate material. Wait, hold on. Look, please, I've had that book forever. And, I mean, I worked so hard on all those drawings. Well, maybe if you had worked that hard on something worthwhile instead, like, for instance, your school work, we wouldn't be here right now. Please, you don't understand. These drawings mean everything to me. Really? Well... In that case... Rules are rules. You guys are doomed. Bye-bye. This super stinks. Tech support. Here we go. Tech support. Peace out! It was an honor serving with you, sir. I'm sorry I used your toothbrush to pick out my nose. Yeah, me too. What? Tech support. Your new principal sucks! Don't forget to draw me on the other side, Rafe! Dude! Hey, man. I don't wanna talk about it, all right? Hey, you, uh... You ever open that thing I got you? Ah... I'm sorry, I forgot. No worries, man. You've been busy. Just... I just think it might be a good time, you know? Might cheer you up. It's whatever, though. Doesn't matter. You want a ride? You're funny. No, not with that Dufus. All right, well, I'm out of here. Good luck. Hop in! You know I can't come to a complete stop. Let's go! Hurry up! Let's go. Come on. Bear, why'd you get a stick if you don't know how to drive it? It's not a true sports car if it's an automatic, all right? Besides, I really like to feel the road when I'm driving. Hey, towel, please. Sorry, I almost got "person" on your seat. Hey, "f" your "I," these seats are Italian leather, all right? I'm trying to keep them nice for the re-sale. Bear, you do know you can't sell a car you don't own. Don't own yet, my friend. Don't own yet. 104 more payments, and this baby is all mine. Hey. Not so close to the car, fat boy! Come here, Calvin. Come here, boy. You're a good boy. Don't listen to that mean man. Come here. You did that on purpose. So sue me. I wish mom knew what a butt wipe you are. Hey. Butt wipes feel pretty good. Who doesn't love a butt wipe, huh? Everyone loves a butt wipe. So I guess the joke is on you. No. The joke's on you. Huh? Eh... Hey. Oh, hey. What's up, man? Oh, cool. You found it. Oh, no. Don't read the card because then things are gonna get sappy or whatever, and I hate that. So just open the present. All right. I figured your other one, may it rest in peace, was almost full, so you probably need another one. It's awesome, man. Thank you. But... I mean, all my best stuff was in my last sketch book. Comics, inventions. Expertly drawn boobs. Those were realistic. I think. I hope. But the Vinlothians. Like... You made the star cruiser. You made their planet. You even came up with their battle cry. What was it? Grak-tung. Grak-freakin'-tung! All right. And, like, their language. Their star cruiser night club. Shh! Could you lower your voice, please? What for? I said, "shh." What? Okay, you don't want them to know I'm here. Yeah. No offense, but mom doesn't think you're the best influence. Oh, okay. Well, she's not wrong about that. Okay, Rafe. Back to the book thing. Are you ready for the greatest idea in the history of ideas? Dwight trashed your book, right? So, you trash his. Yeah, I guess that could be kind of fun. We'd take the shredder from the back... No, no, no. We don't wanna shred the rule book. You wanna shred the actual rules. Every stupid rule in this dumb code of conduct. Leo, are you kidding me? And get kicked out of another school? I would be disowned. No, you won't. You wanna know why? 'Cause we're gonna be careful and nobody's gonna know it's us. So you're saying we do it anonymously? Exactly! It is up to us to speak for the voiceless, to be vigilantes for freedom. We've got eight weeks before Dwight tries to measure our worth on a bunch of bubbles on a Scantron. I'm sick of people trying to suck the fun out of childhood. Let's stop the suck! Let's show them that we don't give a... What rhymes with suck? Nothing good. So? Let's stick it to the man. Yeah! Hi! Hi, mom. Uh... look at you. You're all dressed and ready for school. What's going on? Uh, I'm just excited to get to school early. Really? Yeah. Of course. There's something sticking on your shoe. What is this? What is this? No. No. Oh, wow. Hey, Gus. Gus! Yes? Whoever did this was committed to their art. Get to class. This is not a gallery. And that's not art. Move it. "Rules aren't for everyone." What did you just say? "Rules aren't for everyone." Rule number 11, "no loitering." Move it, people. Grak-tung! Hey, Miller! Hey! What are you staring at, crap-a-dukian? Nothing. Uh-oh. You know what that is? That's the kickter scale, and it's acting up. You know, it's still a good day. Okay, everybody. Time for our daily dose of morning propaganda. Rules, regulations, respect. Rules. Regulations. Respect. Principal Dwight? Principal Dwight? We're live. Oh, my god. Good morning, hills village. You may have noticed on your way into school today that many surfaces were covered in brightly-colored pieces of paper. This was a horrible act of vandalism. Rest assured, I will find the hooligans who defaced our school in this manner. And when I find them, they'll be sorry because I will punish them in ways that I haven't even dreamed up yet. There will be no further distractions to our b.L.A.A.R preparation. The microphone is on the Fritz, sir. You may wanna wrap it up. I... Like... My... Big... But... Do... You... Like... My... Big... But... Oh, my god. Remember what I always say, do whatever I tell you, every single time. I thought that went all right. I can tell you want my '65 Shelby cobra, but guess what? It's mine. I won it. I won it. And then you took it. No. You won it with my money. So technically, it's mine. Plus, I beat you at speed of light. Boo-yah! Hey, look! It's a talking bear! Why do you insist on calling me that? You know my name is Carl. Carl. Well, a, "Carl" rhymes with "snarl," which is something bears do. And, b, you're, like, abnormally hairy. Just hurry up, all right? Game of thrones starts in 10 minutes. And if I miss the recap, I'm totally screwed. Wait, but we haven't even had dessert yet. That's the best part! You better change your mindset on this whole dessert thing, all right? Or you're gonna end up as fat as your dog. That's probably why you're so farty. Your face is farty. And Calvin giggles is just big-boned. Just chew so we can get out of here, huh? Hi, folks, I'm Dana. I'll be taking over for Sandy. Her shift just ended. Would you like me to bring the check? Yes. No. I thought you were in a hurry. Yeah. A hurry to get you adorable kids the best dessert Dave and buster's has to offer, huh? Got my friend's kids with me today. Did you just say your "friend's kids"? Tell you what. Just get whatever you guys want for dessert, all right? Provided it's not caviar, huh? I'll go grab the dessert menus. All right! Dessert. She's gonna grab the dessert menus. All right, here's the deal. I am gonna go take a dump. Ew. Don't screw anything up, all right? Oh! There we go. That's the stuff. Salt and pepper. Nice! Hey, slow down! Where you going, huh? I just wanna get some honey, honey. Oh, honey? I got your honey right here. All right! Oh, what the... ow! Ah! What is that smell? This gets me so mad! I have an idea. Let's pee in his Cologne. No, we can't do that. That would be way too much of an improvement. Why are there so many jerks in my life right now? I don't know. Whoa! It looks like we've just received a generous donation from one of them. What? Is that... Yep. Bear's credit card number. How nice of bear to fund phase two of operation rules aren't for everyone. And maybe some new kicks. Forget drawing. You may be missing your calling as an electrical engineer. Or a bank robber. Seriously, I think I'm learning more by breaking the rules than I ever have by preparing for some dumb test. Oh, no! No! Dude. I can't believe people are actually into our work. Bro. We're trending, Rafe! This is the work of the legends. Hey. Done. I wish there was one person who I could share all this with. What, like, besides me? No way! Way too risky, man. Like, come on! "Dear diary, I'm a loser." It's not a... Diary. Later, khatcha-borian. Dream of Jeanne. Can I have one? Oh, yeah. Sure. Dream of Jeanne. Thanks. Hey, you're that guy. No, I'm not. The guy who clapped for my speech? Oh, yeah! That was me. I'm Rafe. Bam. That's one vote. That was easy. Can you believe that something this cool is actually happening at our school? You think the graffiti is, like, really cool? Well, not just that. I think the post-it thing was amazing too. And Dwight's hair. Genius. I just love that someone has the guts, you know, to take on the establishment. Yeah. And I'm not the only one who thinks so. Check out how many likes it got on my Facebook page. Whoa! Yeah. That means that it's actually spreading to other schools. Hey, um... Do you wanna know a secret? I... Anonymous. You're anonymous. Actually... I'm really just digging your boots! Good job. Good choice. Thanks. So what are you doing after school next Friday? Do you wanna go on a... Fundraiser. Yeah, a date. A fundraiser. Totally. That's what I was thinking. Yeah, I love funds. And raising things. Raising things is fun. What are we fund and raising for? Greenpeace. Love them. Have you seen that heartbreaking YouTube video about how the polar bears are getting stranded on melting ice floes? Yeah. And I'm trying to make a difference here, but it's just so crazy with the studying for the testing of the b.L.A.A.R. And everyone's just so busy. If I hear one more thing about the b.L.A.A.R., I'm gonna "blaarf" just, like, everywhere. Me, too. So, uh, you're in? Absolutely. I mean, I can "bear-ly" wait. Good. No, that was a dumb joke. It was "bear-ly" because... Oh! Okay, yeah. I see what you did there. Actually, that was kind of funny. Okay, so yeah. I'll see you then. Okay. Okay. Bye. Yeah. Bye. Dude! You almost blew our cover! I'm sorry. She was just way cool, dude! You gotta be careful, okay? Opening up to people can... Well, it can get you hurt. Yeah. Am I right? Yes. You don't have to be such a jerk about it. I'm sorry. But, hey, you can always trust me. One for all and all for one. We'll just massage this in and get you back to your natural color. Just lean back, relax, and let me take care of everything. Relax? I can't relax. Have you seen this website discussion? It's gone bacterial. Ugh! Even worse, ever since those punks started disrupting everything, the kids have been slacking off. This morning I heard laughing. In the library. Laughing? What do you mean? The "out loud" kind? Mmm-hmm. And you know, the test scores have really been slipping this past month. Ever since this rule breaking got started. No. Yes. And the b.L.A.A.R. Is right around the corner. We can't afford to have our students losing their concentration. Getting the best scores on the test is all that matters. Like I always say, "teach to the test, not to the kids." Yeah. Well, it's a relief to be around someone who gets it. You know, I think we need a larger room for detention. The library's not good anymore. Maybe the cafeteria plus the gymnasium? Mmm-hmm. Although, gymnasium comes in handy... Oh, my god! That could've been me. All right! Shon has a homework question about the food chain. So why don't we band together as a class and help him. Shon? Shon, are you having a panic attack? Yes. Yeah? Okay, so just breathe. And remember the question that you asked me earlier. Probably won't show up on the b.L.A.A.R. The b.L.A.A.R does not dictate everything that you need to know from the real world. Now we're together for a half hour every morning. We might as well make it count. Rafe. You spend all day drawing. Why don't you put that to good use and come draw us a food chain? No, I'm good. I mean... I only work in pen anyways, so... No. I've seen your homework. It's done exclusively in invisible ink. Come on. Draw us the food chain. Walk us through it. Okay, well, the sun shines down onto the grass, which keeps growing until a cow comes along and eats it. Always grass. Never pizza. That's the primary consumer. The cow gets nice and big. Huh? Hmm... According to this, a surprise pizza party is being held for me right there! And then it gets taken to a slaughterhouse. Great. Now I gotta act surprised. Okay, I'm surprised. And we use it to make hamburgers and all that. One day... Hey! A hungry bully with a bad haircut comes by. Eats the hamburgers. That's the secondary consumer. But he keeps eating the hamburgers. He keeps eating, and eating, and eating until he gets so fat, that he just sort of explodes. Ugh! Uh... but, that is good for the maggots. Yay! Whoo! Just like chicken. Ooh, try the butt cheek. No, thank you. I'm having the Pu Pu platter. And then, in turn, enrich the grassy field, which another cow comes along and eats. Ooh, an invitation to a surprise party? Outstanding! So, um, yeah. That's, uh... That's my food chain. That is... Very detailed and super awesome. Thank you. All right, everybody. You know what that sound means. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Let's go. Out, out, out. Hey. Khatcha-drawian. I'm gonna roundhouse you in the face. Do it. Do what? Roundhouse him. Roundhouse him in the face. 'Cause I don't think you can. I don't think it's physically possible to get your leg that high from where you're standing. Well... uh... I know I can't. If I tried to do it, my groin would snap like that. Of course I can. But I just can't do it now because, uh... I forgot to renew the lethal weapon registration on my feet. Yeah, that's a bummer. I hate it when that happens. Yeah. So... Yeah. Gotta go. Okay. We'll rain check it. Look, there's no easy way to break up with someone. But if you feel that you weren't into it anymore, then you did the right thing. You had to tell her. You know? You gotta do you. That's the most important thing. I learned that from my ex-wife. Hey, uh, Rafe, that was some drawing back there. Thanks. It was nothing. No, it was very much something. What's a kid like you doing lumped in with all these other kids? It's been a rough couple of years for me. I lost my brother. Cancer. Oh, man. I'm sorry. That's terrible. You guys are making me a little nervous standing here. Remember rule number 34. Don't touch the trophy case? Very, very good. See what a favor I did you, getting rid of that awful notebook so you can make more productive use of your time? Is there something you'd like to say to me right now? You're in trouble. Give me your hand real quick, 'cause there's something going on here. What is this? Oh! Oh! Bear is mauling our mother. We've got to do something. Hey, mom! Open my present. Oh, I gotta go. Let me see that. Okay. Ah... Ooh. Presents. Let's see. Oh, it's an apron. What's this? "Hello, is it me you're cooking for?" - Isn't that funny? - This is so funny. Where'd you find that? Well, I had someone make it for you. You did? Yeah. You understand that? Of course, that's why I got it. Get it? I get it. Honey, that's so cute. I love it. Took me a bit, but I got it. I think. So "looking for" is "cooking for." Yeah. That's awesome. Hello. I'm James, the manager. Hi. Can we just keep it down, a lot? Oh. This is not Chuck E. Cheese. Shh! Big guy. Shh! Can I have another root beer? You've had enough sugar. Jeez. Jeez. He was scary. Do me a favor though, guys, seriously. Don't embarrass me again. We just have to talk like this for the rest of the night, okay? No problem. Okay? You know, honey, I love my present. You always know how to make me laugh. Thank you. This one's my present. Oh! Homemade. Classy. Rafe, I just... It's beautiful. Honey, I love it. You're so talented. Thank you. You guys, you're too much. Love you so much! Wait. Where am I? Love you. Well, hold on a second now. Wait till you see what I got for you. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Uh-oh. Jules, when I think about us, I think about one word. Cramazing. Crazy amazing. Right. More like "crawful." Yeah. Oh. Carl... Uh-huh. That must have been expensive. It was! Yeah. But guess what? You're worth it, baby. Wow. So, what do you say, my lady? Will you marry me? Yes. Yes. Hmm? Yes. Yes. You said yes. I did. Yes! Come here. Yes! Yes! You know, I was thinking, since I'm over at the house so much, and I'm always helping out with the kids and everything, I ought to just move in. You know? I mean, I'd save a ton on mileage. And tax-wise, it's a no-brainer. Well, I mean, if we're gonna get married, it seems like... Yes. Right. Then it's settled! Yes! Come here, you! Oh! Oh, sorry. Sorry about that, Sporto. Oh, hey, your card got ruined. Bummer. Hmm? I'm moving in! You're welcome. What's the matter, sport? Not hungry? Ugh! I'll show you a real breakfast. Honey! Ugh! This stuff is delicious. Good talk, buddy. Nice! Sweet! Georgia! Your fat dog peed all over my Joey banks. I have to admit something. It wasn't just him. I did it too. All right, listen up, twerps. And listen good. I'm here to stay. And that smile on your mom's face that you're all so happy to see? I put that there. So unless you wanna be responsible for her unhappiness, I suggest you check your attitude and your bladder at the door. Because now, you're guests in the bear cave. At least he's embracing the whole "bear" thing now. Hey, what do these go with? They're zebra print. They go with everything! We're doomed. I gotta do something, man. Well, one jerk at a time, Rafe. If I've learned anything from call of duty, besides how to curse in 13 languages, it's that we've got to complete this operation before we launch up the new one. I know. I just wish she could see what a jerk he is underneath all that fancy stuff. Any last words? I think he says "gurgle." Hey, after this, I think we should tackle rule 86. Are you kidding? Let's eighty-six the 86 talk, all right? The longer you wait, the scarier it's going to be. Uh, hand me the eel. Yeah. Somebody better update Wikipedia. You wanna know why? 'Cause we're making history, bro. What the... Fish! Way to go, bro. Oh, my god. Who would do this? Gus, we have a situation in the lobby! Bring a net! Get to class! The fish, I can understand. But why did it have to be an eel? It looks just like the eel I had when I was a boy. And that thing shocked me every time I tried to pet him. All right! I gotta go on live. Right now. Okay. Um... Did you fix this thing? Yes, but... uh... But what? That shirt... I'm just saying, it might be a problem, sir. I didn't come here for a fashion consultation, Galleta. Just roll tape! Attention, falcons! As you know, some punks have declared war on your education. And your education, through me, is about to start fighting back! Their punky little pranks and stunts have distracted our students, damaged our reputation on the world wide web, endangered our number one status and traumatized an eel. And so today, it stops. If these little vandals don't like playing by our old rules, well, I guess I'll have to come up with some new ones. Here come some new rules! Rule number 137, no more going to the bathroom. The bathrooms will be locked from now on. You'll have to hold it until you get home. I've never been wild about people using the bathroom here. And now, it's over. Violators will be forced to stay after school and clean the toilets. New rule 138, there will be no after-school activities. That bell rings and you go straight home. You'll want to anyway, because you'll have to go to the bathroom pretty bad. I'll also be dissolving school government. Something I should've done a long time ago. It's been a puppet regime all this time anyway. No debate, no speech, no clubs of any kind. Including the audio-visual club. Oh, sh... Don't you see, Rafe? My school, my rules. B.L.A.A.R. Sorry, we're at nerd capacity. Hey! Occupado. B.L.A.A.R. B.L.A.A.R. B.L.A.A.R. B.L.A.A.R. B.L.A.A.R. Hey! Well, look at this. We're one week out from the test, and I do not like the scores on this practice exam. 78% proficient in English and 76 in math. Mmm. These are not winning scores. I've been growing my number one bush for a decade. And I do not intend to trim it. Ever! See, there's the problem right there. Rotating. Like a planet. Remember, there's no... Oh, Uranus is down. Miller, stop trying to stab Uranus. The good kids are working their tails off, and these remedials are fooling around instead of memorizing and studying. I wonder what would happen if we excluded Mr. teller's students from the test. Look at that. Wow. We jump right back up to number one. Too bad we can't stop them from taking the test. Oh, yeah. We could stop them from taking the test. Ida, I could kiss you! Hey, Gus! Would you fix that farting bell? I want my ding-dong back! We are all on thin ice. Help save the polar bears. Ms. Galleta. I thought I was very clear. All club meetings have been canceled until further notice. And that includes this... What is this? What club is this? This isn't just some meeting. Polar bears' lives are at stake here. Oh, please. These bears need to learn to take care of themselves. It's not like the ice caps are going anywhere. That's exactly what it's like! Sounds like I need to talk to your science teacher. None of that has been proven. Oh, Rafe, I'm so glad you came. Of course. I mean, I wouldn't miss it. Well, you did miss it. This meeting is over. Ms. Galleta is violating one of my new rules. You're seriously trying to put some stupid rule over the lives of innocent bear cubs? My rules aren't stupid. Your bears are stupid. Nobody told them to live on something that melts. And these animals are hardly innocent. Your beloved polar bears would kill you for a peanut. Or whatever they eat. What do polar bears eat? Ice? No way of knowing. And I am not an unreasonable man, by the way. I might have overlooked one violation, but two violations has pushed it too far. This shirt of yours goes against the dress code as stipulated in rule number 22. So you've got detention. Two weeks. Principal Dwight, you can't dictate what we wear after school. You're on my campus. And when you're on my campus, you're under my rules. You're very close to violating rule number one. Respect your principal. That's the most important rule. That's why I made it number one. Do you want a detention too, huh? No, sir. I've got infinite detentions to hand out. You sure you don't want one? No, sir. Okay. Well, watch the attitude. Because I'd say, the only thing around here that's on thin ice... Is you. See? 'Cause you've been talking about thin ice. And that's a way of saying that someone is in trouble. I don't know what's going on with Rafe. He didn't even try my candied bacon tarts with goat cheese Ganache. Ooh! More for me. You know, I just wish I knew what was going on with him lately. Jules, I say this with love. Rafe is one messed up little dude. No, he's not. No. He's dealing with a lot of stuff. Well, who isn't? I mean, I'm not, 'cause I'm awesome. But I do think little dudes that are too attached to their moms... Please, no. What? They're more considerate, and kinder, and have empathy towards others? Exactly. They're soft. Look, I'm just saying. I think therapy might be a good idea. You know, a professional that he can talk to, to help him deal with things better. Yeah. Maybe. You really think it could help if he saw someone on a weekly basis? Weekly, on a daily basis maybe. Huh? Hmm? Yeah. No, you know what? I'll do the research for you, huh? That way, you can focus on work. Really? Yeah. Babe... I'm here for you. I have to tell you, it's such a relief to have someone else to share all the... I'm sorry. Game's on. Oh! Oh. Yeah. Thanks. Get back to the game. Okay. Yeah. Phone lady, find military schools for kids you don't like. I find no Applebee's in your area. That's not what I... I didn't... hey! All right, search for ways to get rid of kids that aren't yours. Calling mommy. No. Don't call mommy mobile. Stop, stop, stop! Hang up! Hang up! Hey, mom! Carl, is that you again? No. I think we're breaking up. I'm breaking up. Gotta go. It's too easy. I'm just sick and tired of all these bullies thinking they can do whatever they want. No risk, no reward. But we have to fight. Now that's a musketeer thing to say. You ready to witness my greatest masterpiece? Hey, Rafe, are you okay up there? Because if you fall, I am not giving you mouth-to-mouth. Good. Thanks in advance. All of this for a girl? Is she really worth it? Leo, for Jeanne Galleta, I would walk through fire just to see her smile. Grak-tung. Grak-tung. Rafe. Jeez, Georgia, are you trying to give me a heart attack? Where have you been? It's none of your business. Now go to bed. Can't sleep. Wanna know why? Because I'm worried about you. Are you happy? You've turned me into a grandma. Georgia, you're gonna need at least, like, five cats before you're officially a grandma. Rafe, this is serious. Georgia, don't cry. Okay? I'm fine. No, you're not. You're secretive. And when you're not sad, you're angry. I came in here tonight to warn you. I don't know what you're up to every night, but it has to stop, whatever it is. Because if bear catches you, he's gonna ship you off to some military school for bad kids. Wait, what? I heard him talking about it with mom tonight. He has her believing you're really messed up. He's the one that's messed up. Rafe, listen to me. He has it out for us. And I know I talk a big game, but I can't handle him all by myself. Please, Rafe. Promise me. No more trouble. Please. Fine. I promise. No more trouble. Thanks, dork. Yeah, whatever, loser. Dude, this next one is gonna put us over a million hits. I'm not gonna do it, all right? I promised Georgia. But you gotta do it. The b.L.A.A.R.'S tomorrow. We can't let up now. Listen. They fixed the bell. It's gonna be like none of this even happened. Look, Leo, we're just kids. Okay? Dwight was always gonna win. But what happened to making a difference? What happened to not being pushed around, and fighting for your freedom? Okay, Dwight, bear, Miller? They happened. And I'm not trying to make a difference. I'm trying to make it through middle school. Well, gang, this is going to be harder on you than it is on me. I'm afraid I have reason to believe that this classroom is the epicenter for the vicious pranks our school has endured this semester. In fact, this entire class is under suspicion. That's a pretty serious accusation there, Dwight. Well, it's a pretty serious offense. And I have proof. Come with me. Spray paint. Pink hair dye. Fish food. Post-it notes. And balls. Effective immediately, all of your students are suspended for one week! What? No! Wait a minute. These kids maybe troublemakers, they may not be "a" students, a lot of them smell weird, but they are smart enough to know you don't leave hard evidence inside their lockers. These are hardly the masterminds of such an extravagant prank. If anything, I would say, that this seems like a setup. Are you insinuating that this is a setup? Yeah. That's why I just said this seems like a setup. I don't like that. Because it almost sounds like you're thinking this is a setup. I think before we do anything, like suspend anybody or anything like that, we talk to someone who has some real authority, like superintendent HWANG. Oh, I have real authority, Mr. teller. I'm the principal of this school. Yeah, but someone who has real power to make decisions. That's what I have. Power to make decisions. Let's talk to the person that, like, can make something happen. Mmm. You know, Mr. teller, your continued denials in the face of this overwhelming evidence leads me to believe that you must be involved somehow. I'm afraid I have no choice but to fire you. You have a thousand other choices. I guess that's true. I probably do have a few other choices, don't I? Well, the one I'm going with is "fire you." All right, everyone, pack up all of your things while we call your parents. And, Mr. teller, good luck finding another job. Without my recommendation, I'm afraid. I'm tired of that guy busting my balls. Yes, hello. I was thinking of having a large number one tattooed onto my back. Is it necessary to make an appointment? Oh, okay. Well, what sorts of openings do you... Um... I need to call you back. Principal Dwight? What are you still doing here? I did it. You did what? You destroyed my book, so I wanted to destroy yours. "Rules aren't for everyone." R-a-f-e, Rafe. Me. What? Are you not making the connection? Well, I'm pretty sure your name is spelled with a "Ph." "Phrafe." Your evidence is fake. Well, you know, Phrafe, that evidence, uh, could be real. And I've seen the way those other kids treat you. We could just make them go away. All you have to do is keep your mouth shut. And you won't have to be suspended. Let them take the fall. This whole thing will be our little secret. We have a deal? You know what? Do whatever you want to me, but keep everybody else out of this. And give Mr. teller his job back, or else. Or else what? What are you doing? Hey, hey, hey! Don't step... whoa! Whoa! I'm gonna make it rain. No. Hey, no! No, no, no! No! I should have known a remedial like you would make a dumb choice! With this little stunt, you've just violated rule number 28. No false fire alarms! Rafe Katchadorian, you are officially expelled! Permanently! Gus! Please turn off these sprinklers! Not joking about my towel now, are you, sport, huh? If I was a betting man, and believe me, I am, I would've lost money on you. You hung in there way longer than I thought you would've. But, in the end, you're still the loser I thought you were. Will you just listen to me? Please, mom. Principal Dwight's been out to get me since the first day of school. Or maybe you decided he was gonna to give you a hard time and you were gonna make it easy for him to do. That's not what happened, okay? This principal is evil. And he suspended the whole class even after I told him that I'm the one that bent the rules. Bent? Rafe, I think you did a little more than bend the rules. You're the one that told me to think outside the box. But there's a big difference between thinking outside the box and totally demolishing it. If you were having problems with the principal, why didn't you talk to me first? Because who'd believe the word of some kid over the head of the whole school? Honey, I would. I'm your mom. I could've tried talking to him at least. Now it's too late! This was the last school that would accept you. What are we supposed to do now? Find another school in another state, in another country? I'm out of options! And so, Carl found a school. It's a boarding school. With some military aspects. You're sending me away to some military school? Honey, I don't want to. But it's a place for kids like you who have trouble with authority. I thought I'd take the day off tomorrow. Maybe we could just go take a look. Whatever. Oh, honey. We all miss him. Mom, you don't have to... I miss him. Georgia does. Nothing's been the same since the day he got sick. At times, I didn't know if I could handle it. And... Your dad, well... He obviously couldn't handle it. But it's worst for you. Brothers. You guys had such a bond. It was so different. And special. And I know sometimes you pretend that he's still here. I know you pretend that Leo isn't gone. But he is, honey. Leo is gone. I'm sorry. I love you so much. I wish you knew how much. I love you, too. Hey, bro. Guess by now I've taken that Vinlothian space cruiser to the sky. And whatever I'm doing now, it's probably a lot cooler than what you're doing stuck in school. Kidding. Don't tell anyone, but I actually kind of liked some of my classes. And since I'm confessing stuff, I guess it's time to tell you I've always looked up to you. You're super talented, and you can draw and create anything. So imagine something cool for me. And then live something cool for you. Love, your younger brother, by one year and two months, Leo. You gonna let me in, or what? Uh... Sorry. I wasn't expecting anyone at the window. Yeah. I guess this is kind of weird. What are you doing here? Well, you know, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. After today. Yeah, it was, um... It was a total crapstorm of a day. Yeah, I know. But this was awesome. I kind of figured it was you all along. But then, I confirmed it when I watched this. And what is that? A VHS tape. It's vintage. Basically, it's like a box that's full of an archaic system of gears, pulleys, and tape that is then put in a larger box, called a VCR, which then projects the images onto the television. Wouldn't an iPhone be easier? My phone doesn't have enough memory for this kind of project. I secretly filmed the school as a part of a documentary I did to find the creator of rules aren't for everyone. Oh. Um... Well, you found me, I guess. But too bad my art didn't really change anything. Well, what I've got here says you're wrong. You came prepared. Okay, so I put the camera on top of a row of lockers to get the best angle. You ready to witness my greatest masterpiece? Leo, for Jeanne Galleta, I'd walk through fire just to see her smile. Grak-tung. Who's Leo? Um... Leo's my, um... He's my brother. But he's not just my brother. He's my best friend. And he died. So, sometimes I like to imagine that he's still here. Whenever I'm lonely. It's stupid. I think it's the opposite of stupid. You know, Picasso once said, "everything you can imagine is real." I like that. Yeah, me too. Okay. Uh... Look at this. There. Gus, open up those lockers. I don't like this. Oh, really? I wonder how you'll like unemployment. Open them. Do it. Spray paint. This is horrible. Very hard to get out of the hair. You have evidence! Oh, and get this. Not only does b.L.A.A.R. Testing give the school bragging rights, but it also gives the principal a significant bonus. So suspending teller's class was just about getting a better score for the b.L.A.A.R.? Jeanne, we have to stop the test tomorrow. And we're definitely gonna need some help. I've got the numbers of a few kids with no school tomorrow. You text them, and I'll set up transportation. Georgia. Georgia, wake up. You feel like a drive? In the bear trap? Mmm-hmm. Yes, finally! But we need a diversion. I know just the thing. Georgia, Jeanne. Jeanne, Georgia. I like your glasses. I like your dog. Thanks. Mmm, mmm, mmm! Ready, set, go, Mr. giggles. Well, well, well. If it isn't the great fatsby. You want some steak there, boy? Huh? Stay. Stay. Stay. Psych! Whoo-hoo! Yippee ki-yay! I thought you said she could drive! Oh, I can. I just thought bear's car could use a little body work. All right, guys. Tonight is the night. I've given you all your assignments. Any questions? Hey, so all the rule breaking stuff, the fish, fart bell, everything. That was really you? Yeah. All right, Katchadorian. I'm in. Did you just say my name right? Hey, Rafe. Who is that guy? Oh, crap. It's Gus. Is it too late to run? Turns out we're not the only ones Dwight has pissed off one too many times. Kougeki Kaishi! Are you speaking words or did you just have a stroke? What? - Wait, what? - What? It's a Japanese war cry. "Begin the attack!" All right, guys, come on! Vamonos, muchachos! Smile! Oh, crap. Rafe, come on! It might not be that bad! Babe. What's going on? He won't come out of his room. Seriously? Yeah. All right. Well, look... You go do whatever you gotta do, and I'll take care of this. Really? Yeah. Good luck. All right. Reveille! Let's go, turd! Come on, let's go. Count of three, or I'm coming in, I swear! One... Two... Good. I wanna come in. It tingles! Now it burns! You gotta be kidding me! What is that made of? Oh... Unbelievable. Ah! He's not even in here! Oh, great. Now I gotta go out and look for these little snots? That's just what I wanna do. No, no. Come on! Oh. What's wrong? She's missing. The baby's gone. Oh, no. That's what you're so upset about? Yes! Well, don't worry. She probably went to a friend's house. I'll give Georgia a call. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? My car! It's missing! Yes! Your car? That's what you're so worked up about? Yes! You know what? I must have been insane not to see what a self-centered jerk you really are. Excuse me, I've got to go find my kids. No, no, no! Oh, my beautiful bush! What did they do to you? Oh, no! No, god, no! Oh! What are all the desks doing out here? I don't know. What do we do? Pencils up! Act like this is part of the plan. Never show weakness, Ida. There's no sabotaging the b.L.A.A.R. And... Begin! "True or false... "22 hills village students... "Were suspended in order to rig this test?" Hey, rule number 13, "no talking during a test." What's the problem here? Well, it's just these questions are kind of weird. Weird? What do you mean, weird? Oh... These are pretty weird. Hey. Just by a show of hands, how many people have a test that starts with the question, "true or false, "principal Dwight has three nipples"? Well, that's a lot of you. Well, it's false. Put false! I was born without nipples, for your information. And it looks beautiful. Where are the real tests? Hey! Looking for these? Blaarches! Principal Dwight is a hypocrite who likes to make the rules, but thinks he's too good to actually follow them himself. We have proof that he planted evidence in his own students' lockers. I have had just about enough of you! No bike riding on campus. I'm confiscating this. Get off! Get off of it! How are you so fast? Spin class. Four nights a week. Sometimes five. What's that's smell? Just the same crap Dwight's been shoveling at us. Ugh! Gross! Can't this thing go any faster? Hey, that's my lunch! Time to get in the game. You're gonna need a bigger bike. Ahh! Ah! Tech support. Ahh! Oh, no. Thought you could get away from me, huh? Oh! Oh! That's disgusting! What's going on here? It's all on this tape, ma'am. Don't pay any attention to him. He's a jerk. Superintendent, Rafe is a smart and talented kid. He deserves to be heard. He's actually not that smart. He's pretty dumb. I've seen his records from his previous schools. This kid tests like... What is this obsession that we have with testing and categorizing our kids? I literally have no idea what you are talking about. If we keep cramming standard tests down our kids' throat, we're gonna end up with a bunch of standard children. I don't know what stinks more, your attitude or my suit. And that's really saying something, because my suit is covered in poop. Nobody cares what you think anyway. I do. She does. Mr. teller here has logged a formal complaint saying you rigged this test and he's been unlawfully fired. Now let's see that tape. Yes, ma'am. And the rules clearly state that I have the right to a full hearing. Rigging state tests is a serious offense. You're done here. I'll make sure you get your full hearing, Dwight. Take this. In a court of law. Let's get out of here, Ida. Thought you'd never ask. Ah. Green this time. Georgia! Hey, mom. I've been looking all over for you. What have you been doing? Mom? Come here. Oh! Oh, man. You little snots are gonna pay for this! No, I'll pay. With this. And keep the change. I hear pier one's having a sale on animal prints. I know you're saying that just to be hurtful. But let me tell you something. I get Google alerts from pier one, so I already knew about the sale. Joke's on you. You know, it's just sad. It's sad that some people, you, can't handle all this concentrated awesomeness me! Come on, guys, let's go. I'm Audi 5g. Leo! Dude, I didn't think you were gonna make it. Are you kidding? I couldn't miss the thrilling conclusion of operation r.A.F.E. And... I couldn't leave without saying goodbye. Goodbye? Why are you saying goodbye? Things are just starting to get good. Listen... I was just hanging around until you made some real friends. Yeah, because of you. I wish I could take that credit, but it was all you, Rafe. I'm gonna miss you. I know. Awesome! You drew me a Vinlothian space cruiser? You know what? I guess that's my ride. Hey, Rafe, grak-tung! Grak-tung! I've heard you say that before. What does it mean? Uh... it means, "victory is ours." Well... Almost. What? I don't wanna ruin your sense of accomplishment, but you didn't break every rule. Rule 86. Way to go, bro. Yuck. Grak-tung! Oh! B.L.A.A.R. Hey, come on!