The Mommy Observation


 * (Scene: The apartment).
 * Amy: Should you really be sitting in Sheldon’s spot?
 * Raj: He’s in Texas, he’ll never know.
 * Penny: I wouldn’t be so sure about that.
 * Leonard: Yeah, he has a very sensitive butt. Well, it’s true. Once I saw him sit on a bunch of loose change and add it up.
 * Raj: Have you heard from Howard?
 * Bernadette: I did. His talk at NASA went great.
 * Penny: Sheldon didn’t heckle him?
 * Bernadette: No, in fact, he was so well-behaved, Howie bought him a Buzz Aldrin bobble head and astronaut ice cream.
 * Stuart: Hey, guys.
 * (Scene of Amy, Bernadette, Raj, Leonard (out of shot) and Penny (out of shot) saying 'Hi, Stuart').
 * Stuart: (shutting the door) How’s it going?
 * Raj: Good. Sheldon’s out of town, so we can do whatever we want. We even ordered from the Thai place he doesn’t like.
 * Stuart: Oh, how is it?
 * Penny: (scolding) Disgusting. Do not tell him.
 * Leonard: What do you guys want to do tonight?
 * Amy: I don’t know.
 * Bernadette: (she's responding crossly) Well, I told Howie if I wasn’t busy, I’d spend the night at his mom’s. (she whispers with loud anger) So for God’s sake, think of something.
 * Raj: (concerned by Stuart's cough) Stuart? Are you okay?
 * Stuart: No, I don’t feel so…
 * Leonard: Oh, my God, Stuart?
 * Penny: Oh, my God, you guys need to do something!
 * Raj: Stuart?
 * Leonard: Calling 911.
 * Raj: Well, it’s too late.
 * Leonard: What do you mean it’s too late?
 * Raj: He’s been murdered by someone in this room.
 * Penny: Oh, my God.
 * Leonard: Oh, come on.
 * Raj: Welcome to another classic Koothrappali murder mystery dinner.
 * Amy: (grunting) I’m leaving.
 * Raj: You can’t leave. You’re a suspect in the mysterious murder of Stuart Bloom.
 * Bernadette: (rather puzzled) I didn’t know his last name was Bloom.
 * Amy: Yeah, it’s Bloom.
 * Penny: Are you really gonna lie on the floor and pretend to be dead all night?
 * Stuart: What do you think I was gonna do at home?


 * Penny: Are you going to make us pretend to be a bunch of lame characters with silly accents?
 * Raj: Lame characters with silly acc--What kind of an actress are you?
 * Penny: You’re right, I’m sorry. Sounds like fun.
 * Raj: Thank you.
 * Penny: That kind of actress. This sucks.
 * (she sits back down on the chair in a huff)
 * Leonard: Come on, guys. Raj put a lot of effort into this. And that’s great. It’s not sad, it’s great.
 * Amy: I think it might be fun to be someone else tonight.
 * Raj: Actually, you’re all just gonna be yourselves.
 * Amy: Oh, ugh.
 * Bernadette: (she gives out instructions to Raj crossly) All right, if I’m doing this, I’m playing to win, so just to be clear, if we’re ourselves, that means one of us killed Stuart?
 * Raj: Very good, Bernadette. You are a regular Byomkesh Bakshi.
 * Bernadette: (smiling crossly) What is that, like, the Indian Sherlock Holmes?
 * Raj: Or is Sherlock Holmes the English Byomkesh Bakshi?
 * (Bernadette is now silently cross and fed up by this)
 * Amy: According to Wikipedia, Sherlock Holmes came first.
 * Raj: Great, everyone’s a Byomkesh Bakshi. Now, here are some secret facts about each of you, including whether you are the murderer. Throughout the game, feel free to ask each other questions to uncover clues.
 * Penny: Got it. Hey, who’s the murderer?
 * Raj: Any question but that.
 * Penny: Sorry. Hey, who’s not the murderer?
 * Stuart: Bernadette, can you not stand so close to me?
 * Bernadette: (sarcastically) What do you care? You’re dead.
 * Stuart: Suit yourself. But I can kind of see up your skirt.
 * (Bernadette backs away crossly from Stuart's comment about her dress)


 * (Scene: The apartment)
 * Bernadette: So, what happens next?
 * Raj: I can’t tell you that. But perhaps the killer dropped a fun and imaginative clue somewhere in the apartment.
 * Penny: Ooh, I’m gonna check the fridge, and see if there are any clues inside a beer.
 * Amy: Hey, I found something. It looks like a little man with a briefcase.
 * Leonard: Oh, no, no. That’s Clarence Darrow. It’s from a game Sheldon made up called Chutes and Lawyers. You slide down a chute and then work your way back up through the appellate system.
 * Raj: Well, unlike that, my games are much more fun.
 * Penny: Okay, can I ask you something? Why do you like making us do this stuff?
 * Raj: Well, I guess it goes back to when I was a fat kid in India, and didn’t have any friends.
 * Bernadette: (rather puzzled) I didn’t know you were fat.
 * Raj: Yeah, I was. I was 200 pounds by the time I was in middle school. Kids were mean. Cows may be sacred there, but it doesn’t help if you look like one. Anyway, I was pretty lonely, so I had to make up my own stories and games, and I promised myself if I ever made any friends that, that I would play those games with them.
 * Amy: That is so sweet.
 * Leonard: I’ve seen old pictures of you. You were never a fat kid.
 * Raj: No, I was svelte as a gazelle. A gazelle blessed with a flair for storytelling.
 * Bernadette: (still puzzled) Hey, what about this? It looks like a receipt.
 * Amy: What’s it for?
 * Bernadette: (even more puzzled) For a cup of coffee. But it’s dated 20 years from now.
 * Raj: From the future? How fun and imaginative.
 * (Amy looks shocked and Bernadette starts getting cross)
 * Leonard: So one of us came back from the future to murder Stuart?
 * Raj: Correct.
 * Leonard: Does the gazelle with a flair for storytelling know that he’s just ripping off Terminator?
 * Raj: Does the smart-ass know that Terminator was actually ripped off from an Outer Limits script called Demon with a Glass Hand by Harlan Ellison?
 * Leonard: Oh, does the gazelle know that according to Harlan Ellison, it was not ripped off from Demon with a Glass Hand, but was ripped off from another Outer Limits script he wrote called the Soldier?
 * Penny: (she is so angry) I'm gonna need another clue!


 * Sheldon: Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on her face..... We’re leaving right now.
 * Howard: What's wrong?
 * Sheldon: Nothing.
 * Howard: What? Sheldon, tell me what's going on!
 * Sheldon: I saw my mommy with a naked man and she’s trying to be a mommy again.


 * Sheldon: [Knock-knock-knock]. Mother. [Knock-knock-knock]. Mother. [Knock-knock-knock]. Mother.
 * Mary Cooper: Shelly! I’m so glad you’re here!
 * Sheldon: I saw you having naked sex.
 * Mary Cooper: What are you talking about?
 * Sheldon: Earlier I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.
 * Mary Cooper: Oh Shelly. I’m so sorry. Come in. Um. Maybe we should sit down and talk about this.
 * Sheldon: Can you recommend a surface you haven’t had coitus on?
 * Mary Cooper: That’s not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table.


 * Sheldon: And of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert?
 * Mary Cooper: That is no way to speak to your mother.
 * Sheldon: Perhaps not, but it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the bible to me in my whole life and then desecrates one of Ethan Allan’s finest sofas.
 * Mary Cooper: I will give you one opportunity, young man, to apologize.
 * Sheldon: Or what?
 * Mary Cooper: Or I will send you to your room.
 * Sheldon: That's ridiculous. I am a grown man, I am a professional scientist and I currently occupy the moral high ground.
 * Mary Cooper: (she yells in low-fast tone of anger) Go to your room.
 * Sheldon: But I occupy the moral high ground.
 * Mary Cooper: (she yells in medium-loud tone of anger) Go to your room.
 * Sheldon: But I am a professional scientist.
 * Mary Cooper: (she shouts with really-loud tone of anger) GO... TO YOUR ROOM!
 * (Sheldon now exits the dining room and turns his round to his mother)
 * Sheldon: I’m a grown man.
 * (Sheldon leaves for his room out of sight. His mother doesn't know what to do with him by this point).


 * (The apartment scene of Bernadette, Amy, Leonard and Penny sitting together on the couch looking very cross with boredom)
 * Raj: Okay, murder suspects, Leonard has found the time machine the killer must’ve used. You’re all inside it, and we hurtle through the very fabric of time.
 * (Raj turns the space sound key on his phone that plays a spaceship-kind beat. He turns the light off and puts the big white disco-type flashlight on. It flashes for a second to the four indignant folks on the couch. The spaceship-kind beat has now stopped just as he has switched off his phone and the white big white disco-type flashlight)
 * Raj: (He's now put the apartment light on) And welcome to 20 years in the future.
 * (shot of Bernadette, Amy, Leonard and Penny still feeling most indignant)
 * Raj: Hey, you guys just time-travelled. Stop looking so bored.
 * Penny: Well, my beer isn’t flat and my rack’s not saggy. So far, the future’s great.
 * Stuart: Hey, can I go to the bathroom?
 * Raj: Fine, just try not to look too alive.
 * Stuart: That’s my jam.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Raj crossly) So one of us went back in time to kill Stuart?
 * Amy: (a bit confused) But why?
 * Raj: Perhaps this will help. Here are some facts about yourselves in the future that might contain a clue.
 * Amy: Hey, I won the Nobel Prize in physiology, then I used the money to buy Stuart’s comic book store, and close it down so Sheldon would pay attention to me. Not the worst idea.
 * Penny: Hey, I’m a famous actress living in London.
 * Leonard: Hmm, I’m a professor at Stanford.
 * Penny: Hmm.
 * Bernadette: (with a mad smile) So I guess you two are making it work long distance.
 * Raj: Oh, no. In this game, as your careers both took off, you drifted apart. Kind of like how future me lost touch with you guys after I became boy toy for the wrinkled, but still flexible, Madonna.


 * Raj: Throughout the game feel free to ask each other questions to uncover the clues.
 * Penny: Got it. Hey, who’s the murderer?
 * Raj: Any question but that.
 * Penny: Sorry. Hey, who’s not the murderer?


 * (The apartment scene where Amy asks Bernadette a question)
 * Amy: What does your card say, Bernadette?
 * (Leonard gets Raj, Amy and Bernadette to hold their horses for a bit).
 * Leonard: Uh, uh, uh, hang on. (he asks Penny a question) Do you think we would really drift apart if we both became successful?
 * Penny: Of course not. If I became a famous actress and had to move, you would just come with me.
 * Leonard: If I got a chance to be a tenured professor, I might not have that much choice in where I end up.
 * Penny: Yeah, but if I become a successful actress, we wouldn't need the money.
 * Leonard: You don't go into science for the money.
 * Bernadette: (smiling crossly to Leonard) Speak for yourself. Last month, my company both invented and cured restless eye syndrome.
 * (Penny looks disgusted)
 * Bernadette: (reading her note through her cross smile) Ka-ching, ya blinky chumps.


 * (The apartment scene of Raj saying firmly 'Okay, okay, guys, new back stories' to everyone)'
 * Raj: Penny and Leonard, you two love birds are super-successful and living in New York. You’re an actress. You’re a professor and you have three beautiful kids.
 * Leonard: Great.
 * Penny: Really? You think I'm putting this body through three kids?


 * Raj: Can we please get back to the game?
 * Leonard: In a minute. I don’t understand why any success you have in acting is more important than any I have in science.
 * Penny: Okay, if you do something cool in science, you might change the world. If I become a famous actress, I’m not gonna tell you why movie stars are the best. They just are.
 * Amy: I’m surprised you guys never talked about this stuff.
 * Leonard: Like you and Sheldon have everything figured out?
 * Amy: Actually, our relationship agreement covers a wide array of scenarios, including career changes, financial instability, intelligent dog uprising. FYI, we plan on selling out the human race hard.
 * Penny: In 20 years, who knows what’ll happen with any of us?
 * Stuart: I think you and Leonard will be together.
 * Penny: You do?
 * Stuart: I think you’re the best couple I know.
 * Leonard: Aw.
 * Penny: That’s so sweet.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking crossly) What the hell?
 * Amy: (she's asking crossly too) Excuse me?
 * Penny: Dat-da-da-da-da! Let the dead man talk. So, why do you think that?
 * Stuart: Well, I feel like you guys make each other better. Penny brought Leonard out of your shell. Seems like Leonard makes Penny think more deeply about the world. I don’t know. Together you two make one awesome person.
 * Penny: Aw, Stuart. Now I feel bad for murdering you.
 * Raj: Oh, come on!
 * Bernadette: (she shouts with proudness) Penny did it! I win! Suck it, jackasses!
 * (Bernadette happily sips a bottle of water, Penny looks frightened and Raj is now depressed).


 * Howard: All I'm saying is you might not want to get in the way of your mom’s happiness.


 * Sheldon: I love my mother. Even if she fornicates like a demonic weasel.


 * Sheldon: I think what bothers me the most is the hypocrisy. Doesn't this contradict all the religious rules you've been espousing your whole life?
 * Mary Cooper: You're right, it does. And it's something that I'm struggling with these days.
 * Sheldon: Then, why are you doing it?
 * Mary Cooper: Because I’m not perfect, Shelly, and that man’s booty is.
 * Sheldon: Well, this is confusing for me. But I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. So I’ll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.
 * Mary Cooper: That is very Christian of you.


 * Mary Cooper: Are you having the sex talk with me?
 * Sheldon: Well, someone has to.
 * Mary Cooper: Oh, dear Lord!
 * Sheldon: What? No, don't look to him. He's mad at you right now.


 * Penny: So, wait, if my career took me somewhere else, you might not go?
 * Amy: Dun, dun, dun. (indicates Raj) He started it.


 * (The ending apartment scene)
 * Penny: (cross and sad) Oh, come on, don’t pout. I’m sorry I ruined your game.
 * Raj: I’m not pouting, I’m brooding. Which is how sexy men pout.
 * Amy: It actually was kind of fun.
 * Raj: You’re just saying that.
 * Amy: Yeah.
 * Bernadette: I liked the time travel element.
 * Raj: Thank you. I thought it was inspired.
 * Leonard: It was. By Terminator.
 * (Scene of Bernadette talking sweetly)
 * Bernadette: Well, I hope 20 years from now, we really are all still together and still friends.
 * Penny: Definitely.
 * Leonard: Of course. Well, hey, how about this? Whether we’re friends, not friends, scattered around the world, no matter what, let’s all promise to meet in front of this building exactly 20 years from tonight at 8:00 p.m. and have dinner like we always do.
 * (Bernadette happily says nothing and Amy does a sweet "Aw" impression)
 * Penny: I love it.
 * Leonard: Putting it in my phone right now.
 * Penny: Yeah, me, too.
 * Stuart: My phone doesn’t have a calendar. So I’ll just write it on my hand.
 * Raj: And it’s done.
 * Penny: Yup, we’re all in.
 * Leonard: All right, I’ll see you guys in 20 years.


 * (The ending clip of a 20 years later dream sequence of a car with many blue lights on each part (with also a red light on the back) is driving along the dark street where an equally old Stuart stands alone on the pavement as he checks his watch gloomily as he sees that there is no sign of any equally old gang member anywhere)
 * Stuart: I knew it.
 * (The equally old Stuart sadly starts to walk out of shot)