At The Car Wash

(Opens with Phineas and Ferb playing with a swingset they invented) Phineas: Hi, Mom.

Linda: Hi, boys. What are you kids up to today?

Phineas: Just trying out our new invention. It's called the Ladybug 2000 Roving Swingset. Want a whirl?

Linda: (oblivious) Not right now, sweetie. I'm going to the gardening store. Something's been eating my hydrangeas.

(The hydrangeas are literally being sucked into the ground.)

(They land outside the backyard, Isabella walks by holding a sign reading "Save the Starnose Mole") Phineas: Hey, Isabella. (Seeing Ferb lands with the air bag) Good thing we installed an air bag. So, what'cha dooooin'?

Isabella: The Fireside Girls are trying to raise money to save the star-nose mole.

Phineas: And how's it going?

Isabella: (Sadly) Not very well. We started a bake sale... (cut to Holly, whose face and hair are all blown up, holding a burnt bag, Isabella continues off screen) ...then we tried cat-sitting... (pan to Ginger with scratch marks, torn clothes and a similar sign, cat hair falls from her) ...even a lemonade stand... (pan to Katie, body nearly wrapped in bandages) ...but, nothing worked.

Phineas: Now what's a good way to raise some money? (Epiphany) I got it! We construct a zip line from the top of Danville's tallest skyscraper all the way to our--

Isabella: (Interrupting Phineas) Or we could have a car wash!

Phineas: That's good too! We'll build the best dang car wash in the whole dang world, dang it. (To Ferb) I can't really pull that off, can I?

Ferb: You're not very street.

Phineas: (Sadly) Yeah. (Realizing) Hey, where's Perry?

(Cut to Perry in backyard in front of a pile of dirt. He runs and dives into the pile, which leads to a series of tubes that eventually drop him onto his chair, which slides along a track to in front of the screen.)

Major Monogram: Way to stick that landing, Agent P. (Holds up a sign with 9.5 written on it.)

(Monogram moves aside and Carl joins him on screen, holding up an "8.5" sign.)

Major Monogram: (to Carl) Eight and a half, Carl? Really?

Carl: Well, sir, he did separate his feet a little on the reentry.

Major Monogram: Carl! Ugh! (Looking off screen) Hey is something burning over on the stove?

Carl: My spaghetti! (Runs off)

Major Monogram: (to Perry) Anywho, we've had some grave concerns. Seems there's been some extreme seismic activity in the area. We're pretty sure our old friend Doofenshmirtz is up to no good.

(Carl reenters, interrupting Monogram)

Carl: Excuse me sir. (Holding up booklet entitled "Seismic Activity and Quakes - by Carl") I wrote my sophomore thesis on quakes and seismic events. If you want you can check out my website.

Major Monogram: Ugh, Carl. Spaghetti.

Carl: Oh, that's right! (Drops booklet and runs off screen)

(Cut to view of sky. A plane flies overhead. Cardboard boxes and animals, all with parachutes, fall from the plane and land in Phineas and Ferb's back yard. Cut to Phineas and Worker)

Worker: Hey, here's your delivery, kid. Friction rollers, spot-free rinser, individual driers, turbo spray nozzles, jet powered vacuum, atomic collider.

Phineas: I suppose you're going to ask me if I'm to young to use this stuff.

Worker: Nah, just try not to blow a hole through the earth's core, or we'll both be in deep doody.

Phineas: Okay.

(Cut to Candace in her room, on the phone. Construction can be seen through the window in the background.)

Candace: Stacy, I sent Jeremy a text message twelve minutes ago and he still hasn't answered. You don't think I'm making a big deal out of this?

Stacy: No way.

Candace: What am I going to do, Stacy?

Stacy: You've got to play hard to get.

Candace: Hard to get?

Stacy: Jeremy thinks you'll go with him anywhere, anytime, just for the asking. Don't be a lapdog, Candace. Just say no!

(Candace's phone beeps and she looks at it.)

Candace: Uh-oh, Stacy. That's Jeremy. (Presses button on phone to talk to Jeremy) Hello?

Jeremy: Hey, Candace. I'm taking my mom's car to this crazy new car wash. Would you like to go for a ride?

Candace: A car? That is so grown up. I mean, hold please? (Presses button on phone to talk to Stacy.) Stacy, Jeremy is asking me out for a ride, in a car!

Stacy: Wow, that's so grown up! But you gotta be strong. Remember, hard to get.

Candace: Right, hard to get. I'll call you back. (Presses button on phone to talk to Jeremy.) Umm, about the car and the ride, I would love to (Candace screams. Jeremy holds the phone away from his ear as the force of Candace's scream makes his hair blow back.) Wait, I mean, I better check my schedule. ''(Covers phone and hums victory music to herself). ''You're in luck. I can just squeeze you in.

Jeremy: Great. Pick you up later.

Candace: (Puts down phone.) Ahh, Jeremy. (Presses button on phone to talk to Stacy.) Stacy, I am like so hard to get right now. It's like totally-- (Notices the construction outside her window.) Wait, what in the... Gotta go, Stacy.

(Cut to Phineas and Ferb in back yard. Ferb is holding the switch for a cannon-like machine.)

Phineas: Alright, Ferb. Let's test out the turbo-charged uber-nozzle.

Candace: (From her window.) What the heck is going-- (Gets cut off mid sentence as she is sprayed by water from the turbo-charged uber-nozzle.)

Phineas: It works!

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated

(Perry walks by "Anti-Platypus Security" sign, runs down a hallway consisting of a series of dangerous traps: spiked doors, laser beams, fish, swinging blades. He opens an air vent and drops into Doofenshmirtz's apartment.)

Doofenshmirtz: Well, it looks like that anti-platypus security system was a total waste of money. I am so taking that back.

(Perry gets caught in a rope hanging from a fake palm tree and ends up dangling by his feet.)

Doofenshmirtz: Thank goodness for old reliable traps, huh? I'm so glad you're going to hang around. (Laughs) Anyway, you arrived just in time to witness the unveiling of my latest invention. Let me introduce to you the Mountain-out-of-a-Molehill-inator. All my life, I was told, (Begin a series of flashbacks) "Don't make a mountain out of a molehill," "Don't make a mountain out of a molehill," "Don't make a mountain out of a molehill." Well now I intend to do just that. This machine will infuse electricity into a small little sphere of compressed nitrogen molecules, which I will then drop into the earth and it will make all the tiny little molehill molecules grow and grow into enormous mo-- (Stops mid-sentence) You know, it's kind of complicated. I learned about it on some kid's website. (Shows computer monitor with Carl's website on the screen.) Oh, oh, and you know what else I found on the web? It's these pictures of cats and they write these—oh, l-l-l-look at this one, "Invisible Cheeseburger". (Perry, still upside-down, looks unimpressed.) No, huh? Well, it's not for everyone, I just think they're funny. Anyway, so I take the sphere, electrify it, drop it in the ground, ta-da! Mountains! Out of molehills! (Perry unimpressed) I know when people say that, they usually mean it figuratively, it's an analogy, bu-bu-but making a point, I can do whatever I want.

(Cut to Baljeet and Buford in mole suits holding signs in front of Phineas and Ferb's house. Baljeet's sign says "Save the Mole" and Buford's says "Wash your Car")

Baljeet: I will be honest. I think we look ridiculous.

Buford: Are you kiddin'? (Flips his sign, stands on his hands, and holds it with his feet.) I make this look good.

(Cut to the backyard, where a very extravagant car wash now stands.)

Phineas: Okay, Ferb, let's fire this baby up!

(Ferb pulls a lever activating the car wash. We hear B-52's-esque new wave music in the background.)

(Song: "Phintastic Ferbulous Car Wash")

Boyawadda boyawadda bum bobay abadda

Boyawadda boyawadda bum bobay abadda

Boyawadda boyawadda bum bobay abaddawadda

Candace: Oh, they are so busted! Alright, you dweebs, what's going on here? (walking into the conveyor belt) I don't have time for this! I've got a huge date and—AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Danny Jacob: Scrub! Scrub! (Scrub!) Gotta get it all clean!

Phineas: (a la Fred Schneider) Just drive on in to our brand new machine!

Danny Jacob: Shake! Shake! (Shake!) Gotta shake off the grime!

Phineas: Just cruise on in, if you've got the time!

Phineas and Danny Jacob: When your Hot Rod's looks have gone downhill,

We'll put a smile right back on its grill,

You're gonna feel better, you know you will!

Phineas: At the Phin-tastic Ferb-ulous Car Wash!

Isabella, Fireside Girls and Danny Jacob: When your ride has lost its sheen,

And your white walls have turned green,

We'll soak and spray your car pristine,

And scrub your undercarriage clean! (clean!)

Candace: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Danny Jacob:' Rinse! Rinse! (Rinse!) Gotta rinse off the muck!

Phineas: You won't recognize that old pick-up truck!

Danny Jacob: Flush! Flush! (Flush!) We're gonna flush out the gunk!

Phineas: Just come on in, we'll get you out of your funk!

Baljeet: If you haven't figured out yet...

Buford: It's the place you should be!

Phineas and Danny Jacob: Take it from us, we're even on your TV!

And with every wash you get this cute little tree!

All: At the Phin-tastic Ferb-ulous Car Wash! Car Wash! (At the Phin-tastic Ferb-ulous Car Wash!)

Candace: (coming out the wash) Blech! Ptoo! Let me outta here! Just wait 'til I get my hands on those two little— (her phone rings) Jeremy?! Oh, hi, Jeremy! Are you here yet?

Jeremy: (on phone) Well...

(Cut to Jeremy in his car)

Jeremy: I'm havin' a hard time gettin' there. (Cut to outside the car to reveal a huge traffic jam.) Looks like the whole town is going to this cool new car wash.

(Cut back to Candace.)

Jeremy: (on phone) I might have to make it some other time.

Candace: Wait, no! I-I mean I've got to put you on hold. (picks up other call) Stacy! Wow, I can't believe you're still there.

(Cut to Stacy.)

Stacy: So how is "hard to get" working?

(Cut back to Candace.)

Candace: Working? Now I'm impossible to get! And now Jeremy's playing hard to get.

Phineas: Wow! This car wash is really hoppin'! At this rate, the star-nosed mole will be saved in no time!

Candace: Phineas, I'd love to bust you, but if you don't speed up this car wash, I'm going to miss my date with Jeremy!

Phineas: No biggie, big sister. (on phone) This is Big Squirt to Super Suds.

(Cut to Ferb.)

Phineas: ''(on intercom) ¡Accelerado, por favor! (Ferb pulls a couple of levers and the wash and the song speed up.)''

Boyawaddaboyawaddabumbobayabadda

Candace: Wait! Too fast! (She spins around the roofs of the cars before the belt stops and she lands on the windshield of Jeremy's car.)

Jeremy: Wow! That was quite an entrance!

Candace: Jeremy! Heh-heh, heh, heh, you made it! Oh, I must look like a wreck.

Jeremy: No, you look great! Hop in! (Candace opens the side door and gets in.) What'd you do to your hair?

Candace: Hot wax...and a sealer I think.

Jeremy: I like it! I'm really glad that you're goin' with me.

Candace: There's nothing I'd rather be doing.

(Cut to D.E.I.)

Doofenshmirtz: I put an energy whatchamacallit in here and... (pushes the remote, nothing happens. Pushes it rapidly several times, still nothing happens.) Nice. (He walks up to an electrical fuse-tank and opens a small door and gets a battery out.) Wow, these things go fast. I guess I need a new battery. (Looks in his electrical toothbrush) Nope. (Looks in a toy car.) Nope. (Looks in a flashlight.) Uh-uh. (Looks in Frankenstein's monster's head.) Not here. (Looks in a cymbal-banging monkey toy.) Nope. (Looks in his radio.) Ah! Nope. (Looks in his smoke detector.) Nope. (Looks in his alarm clock.) Nope. (Looks in Norm's butt.) No. (Cut to Doof holding a new battery.) Finally! (He loses his grip on the battery and it goes under the fridge.) Ah, dangit!! Oh, sorry, Perry, I didn't mean to get all street there. But now (bends down) it's probably got all that grease and refrigerator fluff on it. Oh, there's my retainer! (He puts it in his mouth off screen.)

(Cut back to the car wash.)

Candace: This is so romantic. It's like we're going through our very own tunnel of l—

(They both gasp as a water balloon splashes onto the windshield.)

Phineas: (offscreen to the Fireside Girls) Go! Go!

Candace: AAAAHH!!!

Jeremy: No worries. I'll protect you.

(A huge water balloons splashes onto the car and it goes down a whirpool.)

Boyawadda boyawadda bum bobay abadda

Boyawadda boyawadda bum bobay abadda

Boyawadda boyawadda bum bobay abadda

Boya

Boyawadda boyawadda bum bobay abaddawadda!

(Cut back to Doofenshmirtz.)

Doofenshmirtz: Alright, here we go! The energy ball is growing and... (He presses the button and the ball drops onto the platform.) Ah. Alright, time for the unstuckinator. (A giant boot crushes the inator. We pan down all the floors of the building as the energy ball goes through every one of them.) You know, in hindsight, I probably shoulda done this in the basement.

(Cut to outside the buidling where the energy ball surrounds several molehills, turning them into mountains.)

(Cut to the car wash, which lifts up. The Fireside Girls scream and run for cover. The mountain breaks apart revealing a humongous star-nosed mole.)

Phineas: Wow. I guess that's who's been eating Mom's hydrangeas.

(The mole stomps around the suburbs, while the mountain disappears.)

Phineas: Well, looks like they're safe now.

(Cut to Doofenshmirtz at several TV monitors.)

Doofenshmirtz: It's workiiiing! It's workiiiiiiiiing!! And so much better than I thought it would! (Perry throws his fedora, which breaks apart some heating tunnels and drop onto the switch) All my life, everyone told me I couldn't make a mountain out of a molehill, well, everybody, take (Doof gets electrocuted) THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-ow!

(Perry escapes from his trap, and runs onto the remote control.)

Doofenshmirtz: Why do I even bother? (The giant boot crushes Doof.)

(Perry makes his escape.)

Computer: System overload. Cliché explosion imminent.

(Perry dives down from the building and his hang-glider pops out.)

Agent P!

(Cut back to Doofenshmirtz under the boot.)

Doofenshmirtz: Who wears a shoe this size anyway?

(Doof and the boot fling out from the roof.)

Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

(Cut to the giant mole rampaging all over Danville.)

Japanese Guy: Oh, no! It's a hideous giant mole!

Guy with Huge Mole on His Head: Hey, shut up!

Japanese Guy: No no! That mole, ya fool!

(Jeremy's car drops down from the car wash and down the mole's tail.)

Candace: I don't know what that was, but let's do it again! (her phone rings) Stacy?

Stacy: (on videophone & Angrily) Candace?! What the heck are you doin'?! You're supposed to be playing hard to ge—

(Candace hangs up and smiles nervously.)

(Cut to the Doofenshmirtz in the Boot on a beach.)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh. Ohhh, where am I? Hey, check it out! An aglet!

(The mole's giant foot goes into the boot.)

Doofenshmirtz: So this is why you shouldn't make mountains out of molehills. (The mole goes into the ocean.) Curse you, giant mole!

(Cut to Phineas and Ferb in the backyard. Perry approaches them.)

Phineas: There goes a perfectly good car wash. (sees Perry) Oh, there you are, Perry!

Isabella: (walks up) Oh no! Now, how are we s'posed to save the star-nose mole?!

Ferb: I think he can take care of himself.

End Credits
Danny Jacob:' Rinse! Rinse! (Rinse!) Gotta rinse off the muck!

Phineas: You won't recognize that old pick-up truck!

Danny Jacob: Flush! Flush! (Flush!) We're gonna flush out the gunk!

Phineas: Just come on in, we'll get you out of your funk!

Danny Jacob If you haven't figured out yet, it's the place you should be!

Phineas and Danny Jacob: Take it from us, we're even on your TV!

And with every wash you get this cute little tree!

All: At the Phin-tastic Ferb-ulous Car Wash! Car Wash! (At the Phin-tastic Ferb-ulous Car Wash!)