Middle Age Crazy

<!-- These need to be shortened: [Coming back from break, we see the camera zoom up on the window of Michelle's room, but suddenly we cut to D.J. and Stephanie's room, where Stephanie records "I Write the Songs" on the cassette player with microphone for Mr. Bear to "listen" to.] Stephanie: [singing into microphone] "I've been alive forever, and I wrote the very first song..." [stops the singing and the recording] Sorry, Mr. Bear, my heart's just not in it. [she puts away the cassette player and then sits on her bed] Anyway, you're probably more interested in D.J. and Michelle. Everybody else is. No one cares what I do. [Suddenly, we enter Stephanie's dreams, complete with the camera slowly zooming up to Stephanie's face, the glissando that accompanies this kind of sequence, and then the fade into the dreams.] [New scene – Stephanie's dream. The guys are trying to get Michelle to blink.] Danny: Come on, Michelle. Jesse: You can do it. Joey: Come on. Danny: You're the best. [Suddenly, Stephanie comes in, wearing a pink space suit complete with the NASA patch.] Stephanie: Hi, everybody. I just got back from Mars. I'm the first kid in space. Danny: Oh, that's nice, honey. Wipe your feet. Jesse: Shh! She's ready to do it now. Don't mess up her concentration. Ready? [The guys take out video cameras just as Michelle blinks.] Danny: She did it! She blinked! Danny, Jesse & Joey: She's so cute. Stephanie: Excuse me. Did anybody hear me say, "I went to Mars"? Jesse: Steph, Steph, later. Michelle, for being so cute and adorable and such a good blinker. Joey, tell her what she's won. Joey: Well, Jess, cute, adorable, blinking Michelle has won Stephanie's bike! Stephanie: My bike? Michelle: My bike. Stephanie: You get my bike for blinking? I just got back from Mars. What do I get? [Suddenly, the doorbell rings.] Danny, Jesse & Joey: Get the door. Stephanie: Hot dog. [She does so, and appropriately, as a royal fanfare plays, a red carpet rolls into the living room from the door.] For me? D.J.: [as she enters] No, for me. Get off my rug, you little nerd-bomber. Danny, Jesse & Joey: D.J.! [Following the "royal welcome", they bring out what appears to be a queen or princess costume, complete with robe, crown, and scepter. They put the scepter in her hand, put the crown on her head, and tie the robe behind her to give her the "royal treatment" she deserves.] Jesse: We missed you. Danny: My first-born. We're so proud of you. Stephanie: What'd she do? D.J.: I went to the mailbox and got the mail. Stephanie: But I went to Mars. Look what I learned to do. [She flaps her arms and suddenly floats off the ground and into the air, but again, nobody's paying any attention to her, as the rest of the family walks over to the couch and sits down.] Jesse: D.J., D.J., D.J. Danny: You are the best daughter. Jesse: Let me get this straight. You walked all the way to the mailbox and back all by yourself? Talk about guts. D.J.: It was scary, guys. There were cracks in the sidewalk. Danny, Jesse & Joey: Oooh! [As a shot of the entire living room is shown, with a floating Stephanie still begging for attention.] Stephanie: Up here. A person is flying. [She floats across the room, but again, nobody's paying attention to her.] Jesse: D.J., let's go to the kitchen and get your party started. Patrick Swayze's in there, and he wants the first dance. D.J.: I love being first-born. [They all head to the kitchen, as a floating Stephanie is oblivious to all of them, except Danny. He gives her a rag.] Danny: Steph, as long as you're up there could you dust the top of the mantle? [He then walks to the kitchen to join the others.] Stephanie: How rude. [We fade back to reality.] How very rude.

Stephanie: Great. Nobody wants me.

Danny: Steph, what do you mean nobody wants you? Your family wants you.

Stephanie: Some family. You don't even care that I broke the hula-hoop record or went to Mars.

Danny: You went to Mars? Maybe we have been a tad preoccupied.

Jesse: Kiddo, we're sorry we ignored you. We didn't mean to.

Joey: Yeah, I guess we just got caught up in what we were doing.

D.J.: Well, now that my science project is done I can watch you hula-hoop.

Stephanie: It doesn't matter! You're always gonna be the oldest, and Michelle's always gonna be the cutest, and I'm always gonna be stuck in the middle. [Stephanie tries to leave, but Jesse and Joey catch her, and bring her back..with her in the middle!] See what I mean? I'm stuck in the middle again!

Danny: Steph, I understand how you're feeling, but there's another way to look at this.

Jesse: Yeah. For example, what's the best part of a bologna sandwich?

Stephanie: The bologna.

Jesse: And where's the bologna?

Stephanie: In the middle.

Jesse: Let's take an Oreo cookie. What's the best part of an Oreo cookie?

Stephanie: The chocolate milk you dunk it in.

Jesse: Come on, Steph; you know where I'm going with this.

Joey: I know! The cream is the best part.

Jesse: And where is the cream?

Joey: In the middle.

Jesse: Don't help. It's in the...

Stephanie: Middle.

Danny: Steph, what all this bologna and cookie talk is getting to is that every part of the family is special in its own way.

Joey: Yeah, you're the only one that has a big sister and a little sister.

Stephanie: That's true. What else you got?

Danny: Another good thing about being the middle child is that a lot of the mistakes we made raising D.J., we won't have to make on you.

D.J.: I'm getting depressed. So far I'm the soggy part of the sandwich and the throwaway part of the cookie.

Stephanie: [smiles] I like that. Danny: Stephanie, come here. You have to realize that sometimes your sisters are gonna need our attention. But if you ever feel like you're not getting your fair share, I want you to come and tell us about it. Stephanie: Really? I can do that? Danny: You better. Every time I get a little busy with something, I don't want you to run off and get married. Stephanie: Me neither. I don't know about this husband thing. One whiff of their mom's meatloaf and they're gone. [They all line up to hug her.] Danny: Come here, you beautiful bride. Joey: Me next. Jesse: Okay, lay one on your Uncle J. You know how it's done. All right. D.J.: Oh, well, come on. Michelle: Hug. Danny: You know, I think this home video would be so much better if it had all three of my girls. Let me see. You wanna sing "I Write the Songs" or go for the Hula-Hoop record? Stephanie: Daddy, I can do both. [singing] I write the songs that make the whole world sing, I write the songs of love and special things. Jesse: Everybody. All: [singing] I write the songs that make the young girls cry; I am music, and I write the songs! -->