Tina and the Real Ghost

Two more days until trick-or-treating? What am I supposed to eat until then? Other food? I know. Like what? Like, bread? I don't know if I'm gonna go trick-or- treating this year, you guys. All the bigger kids are hanging out at the old cemetery. Hi, Jimmy Jr. Are you going to the cemetery on Halloween? what time were you planning on going? 'Cause I'm planning on going at that time, too. I'm going when all the other kids are going. Oh, cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. But why does everyone want to go to a stupid cemetery on a day when you can knock on people's doors and they literally hand you free candy? And then you kiss them on both cheeks! So, just to nail this thing down, we're going to the cemetery together? Geez, Tina. Everyone's going at the same time. We're not going together. It's a group activity. Kids go and break into the mausoleum. It's a rite of passage! Mm-hmm. So you think that's, like, 8:30? Maybe touch base around 8:15? I'll just see you there if I see you. God, he was all over you. Ghosts and goblins, goblins and ghosts, yeah. This year I got the bats that are smiling. It's more realistic. Why is it more realistic? 'Because they're happy. It's their favorite holiday. They love it. Hi, I'm the exterminator. Oh, hi. From Hugs Not Bugs, the sensitive bug killers. Well, the name is misleading. We actually use a highly toxic chemical. It hugs them to death, really slowly. They suffer. I'm Marcus. Uh, they showed up the other day. I-I don't know what they are. They're weird. Uh, everything okay? This isn't good. What-what isn't good? This is very bad. What is very bad? This is really creeping me out. You're creeping me out. What-What's going on here? Bobby! Is he squirting poison? The kids just got home and they want to watch. There is definitely an otherworldly presence in this basement. A what? A presence. Wait, are you saying "presence"? A presence? Presents? I always thought there should be Halloween presents! No, not presents. A presence. A ghost. There's a ghost in this basement. Yes! What? A ghost? Who said "ghost"?! We have a ghost? Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God. You need to catch it and get rid of it. Like salmon. Whoa, whoa Marcus. Hi. Hello. Uh, question. Did you say we have to catch the presence? Yes. How does one do that? First, you got to make contact with the ghost. Then you got to try to get it into a vessel. A vessel? Yeah, like a bottle. Or a box. Oh, a vessel. Cool. Can you please get rid of the bugs first? Dad! So we get it into the box. And then what? Throw away the box in the trash. Great. Now on to the bugs. Can you just squirt them with your thing now? No way. Those are probably phantasmal bugs attracted to the spirit world. Sure, sure. Phantasmal bugs. I'm not going down there. I got to go. You can't be a real exterminator. I'm licensed and I'm running away. Goodbye, Marcus! Bye. Uh, I'm not paying you for this! I'll get the Ouija board! And a box! And candles! And some smooth jazz. Well, the restaurant is closed. Thank you so much for not helping out at all tonight. You're welcome. I called another exterminator, not that you care. So, yeah, just go ahead, do your capture-the-ghost sÃ©ance. Mm-hmm. - All right, so here's our vessel. I brought my Easy Breezy shoe box. It used to hold the world's most comfortable heels. Now it's gonna hold a ghost. What a life this box has had. Okay. Here we go. We're gonna make contact with the other side. I just need one more sip of my sÃ©ance wine. Yep. If you make contact, can you ask the ghost if it's any good with a mop? Ha-ha. Very funny. Open the door. Attention, ghost. We are gathered here today to help you cross over into this box. Kids, put your hands on the thingy. is there a spirit here in this basement? It's moving! Great. They're in here, too. Hey, guess what. You're not phantasmal. You're phan-dumb. Oh, my God! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Ooh What is your name? - What's your name, baby? - Stop moving it, Louise. I know it's you. I'm not moving it. It's Gene. It's not me. Ooh! Look, it's spelling something out. J E F F. Jeff. I just got chills. How old are you, Jeff? One. Three. So the ghost is a That's interesting. To all of us. Jeff, do you, uh, want to check out the inside of this totally normal shoe box? I think he's in the box! Put the lid on it! Got it. Hello? Did anyone hear me screaming? There was a crazy amount of bugs flying at my face. Bobby, calm down. We caught the ghost. His name is Jeff. Everything is fine. Everything is not fine, Lin. We have a horrible bug problem in there, and I'm sick of all this ghost stuff. Ghost stuff is over. Now we do the ceremonial throwing it away in the trash. No, wait! Don't! You can't just throw Jeff out. Ghosts were people, too. What if it's Jeff Bridges? Imagine the money. Tina, what are you doing? We're keeping Jeff. You can keep him, Tina, but you have to empty his box every night! So, Jeff, how's your first day at school going? purgatory or the smell in Tina's locker? It doesn't smell anymore, Louise; I got rid of the yogurt. Why do you guys have an Easy Breezy's shoe box? I didn't know it was Take Your Mom's Shoes to School Day. There aren't shoes in this box. It's a ghost. Mm. You're totally lying. And lying is bad for your skin, thank you. Why is everyone looking at a box? What am I missing? I'm bored. Somebody explain it to me quick! It's a ghost. His name is Jeff. It's a strong Christian name. You have a ghost, Tina? Oh. Hi, Jimmy Jr. This is Jeff. He's a ghost, he's a boy, and we've been spending a lot of time together. Ghosts aren't real. Yeah. Death is the end. It's final! That's right, Zeke. Yeah, nothing more! High five! Really? Well, maybe Jeff will have something to say about that. Anyone want to talk to him? I do. Okay. All right. Hands on the Ouija board, everybody. You can ask him anything you want about the afterlife. All right. If you're real, what do ghosts eat? It's moving. S O U P. Soup! He's right! Must be real. Whoa. This changes a lot for me. A lot. Are you okay, Zeke? No, this is weird. Well, Zeke's changed. Who's next? I have a question. Were you cool when you were alive? V E R Y. Very! Jeff is cool! I-I don't think Jeff is real. Something smells fishy. Oh, man. He got you! Ghost burn. That's not funny. Jeff's funny. Uh-oh. Time's up everyone. Wait, wait. One more question. Hey, Jeff, do you want to walk me to class? You go, girl. He has a creepy crush on you. Weird. We have to call another exterminator. Let's go with "Beetle Kanevil"? What is wrong with the exterminators in our town? Why don't you ask him? Marcus! I just wanted to show this place to some of my friends. This is Phil and Don. Hi. Wait, what? They're going to check it out. I'm gonna run away. Bye, Marcus! Good luck! I hope you don't die! He always says that. What are you doing? What's all this? Mm. I'm definitely recording some EMF traces in here. We just might have something substantial on our hands. Are you paranormal investigators? Guilty. I'm Don, vice president of our local chapter. This is Phil. He's president. Mm-hmm. Voted in by a landslide. One vote. It was me. Uh, you can't do that stuff in here. This is a business. So, Marcus told you about our ghost. His name is Jeff. Uh, he's doing great. I mean, he's adjusting well. I Bob, do you think he's comfortable? Lin, stop. There is no ghost. Oh, boy. Don, you're gonna want to take a look at this. Okay. This booth is covered in some serious spectral traces. My meter's going crazy. Mine, too. Of course, it could be cell phone interference. Mm-hmm. Or an AM radio. Or a microwave. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But I bet it's a ghost. Mm-hmm. Oh! You hear that, Bob? A ghost. Uh-huh. Looks like we got our work cut out for us. Phil, you think we should order some lunch? Burger. Medium well. Man knows what he wants. That's why he's president. Ow. What's going on here? Um, nothing. Don't mind them. Can I help you? They have a ghost. We're here to investigate. No, there's no ghost. Don't listen to him. He's Honey, they have a ghost. Let's eat here. I mean, yeah, we have a ghost. Uh, come on in. Sit down. We have at least one in every booth. Jeff, people are loving you! Tina's hanging out with the most popular box in the school. I don't even care that he's popular. To me, he's just Jeff. Bye. Wait, wait, where are you going? Oh, I was thinking of showing Jeff the butterflies at the science center. You guys don't want to come along, do you? Probably not. Great. Bye. Jeff, you have my sister home by 11:00! Wait, make that 9:00, Jeff and I are gonna watch Kitchen Nightmares. That's gonna be our thing! The butterflies are beautiful this time of year. The rest of the time, they're caterpillars. Are we holding hands? I can't really tell. Jeff, you'd tell me if you were just a box, right? You're just a box, aren't you? I'm on a date with a box. Oh, my God. Whoa. I'm getting butterfly kisses from a butterfly. Is it you, Jeff? Is this a sign? - Oh, boy. You really are real. - What are you doing? No, no, no. No eating the butterflies! What is in the box? Um Jeff. Who's Jeff? Oh, wow. Um you're kind putting us on the spot here. Is he a friend? Is he more than a friend? We're just enjoying it right now without labels. Oh. I thought it was food or drink. Enjoy your visit. Lin, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad a crazy exterminator told us we had a ghost. Big day. People like your burgers more when there's a dead person in the restaurant. Okay, people. We're gonna listen for subsonic metaphysical phenomena now. We need everyone to be very quiet in here. Except for ghosts. You guys talk it up. Hi, everyone! Oh! Ah! Oh, my. Oh. Damn it. We have an announcement. We're officially dating. Ooh! Ghost boyfriend! You'll have to get some clanking chains for prom. Aw. Wait. Is there a ghost in that vessel? Did you just say you two were dating? Dad, you're not gonna like every guy she brings home. Mm, I'm getting some heavy activity. Of course you are. It's Jeff. He's like that. Congratulations, Bob. He seems great. Yep. Every father's dream. Aw. There he is! Coolest guy in school. What's up, Jeff? Oh, hi, everyone. Uh, me and my boyfriend Jeff were just looking to have a little lunch. Oh, my God, did you just say "boyfriend"? Did I? Oh, yeah, I did. Hmm. You guys are so cute together! You're the new "it" couple! Whoa, people, give them some space here. No photos! Well, Jeff and I are going to get in line. God, just leave him here for a second. You're smothering him, Tina. Let him breathe. He's already in a box. Yeah, let him hang out with us. This ghoul needs some guy time. Come on, Jeff! I'm gonna get ya! Get over here, all right! Oh. Uh, okay. We'll do our own thing for a bit and then meet up later. See you in a few, Jeff. I'm gonna get you! Get over here. Miss you already. Get your ass up here! Come on. Careful. I'm back, Jeff. I hope you like hot dogs Where did Jeff go? Tammy got some mustard on Jeff's box, so she went to wash it off. You guys, get in here! I went into the stall to go number one, because I never go number two at school, or at all, because that's gross, and Jocelyn clogged the toilet that one time. I'm sorry, Jocelyn. But look what I found when I came out! Huh? "Tina and I are taking a break. "Tammy, you are hot. Be my GF. " Wait. What? Jeff asked me out! And of course I said "no" 'cause that's not fair to Tina. Just kidding! I said yes! Oh, yay! Oh, my God, you guys are the coolest couple in school! You deserve it. I guess now I have a hottie without a body. Come on, Jeff. Nobody's saying it, but Jeff is a scoundrel! He's buried, not married! I can't believe Jeff dumped me for Tammy. Since when can Jeff write on mirrors? I'm pretty sure that's his handwriting. It's girly, but it's just 'cause he's sensitive. The girl's bathroom is nice! Each stall has a tiny metal mailbox. I'm glad I was carrying around that postcard for Ken. I don't know how I'm gonna make it through the rest of the day. Come on, Tina, get off the floor. What's the big deal? He's not even hot for a box. That's not what I care about. I care about what's inside. Also, we don't know if that's water or urine you're lying in. I think it's just water. Yeah, water. No, pee. Tina, they're gonna do an ultrasound on your box. The box didn't quite make it home with us today. Kids, there's a lot of people who are very focused on the box. Where's the box? Did he switch vessels? No, he didn't switch vessels. He switched girlfriends! To an annoying girl named Tammy! Ugh! I hate his stupid ghost face! He dumped you?! I'm gonna kill him. Again. Oh, I knew this would happen. Sort of. Spirit appears to be a bit of a player. Tina's gonna be okay. I made her a PB and J. She said she didn't want it, so I ate it. She was still sad, so I made her another PB and J. She didn't want that one either, so I ate it. Anyway, Tina wants to be alone for a little while, and we're out of peanut butter. Guys, I hate to break your hearts, too, but Jeff isn't real. What are you talking about? I was controlling the Ouija Board. I was messing with you guys. Yeah. I thought that was pretty obvious. I named him Jeff. It's the stupidest name for a ghost I could think of. Of course. Oh, yeah. I know Jeff's not real. It was Louise. Sure. Wait, so let me get this straight. His name's not Jeff, but he's real. No, Gene, there is no Jeff! I just thought it would be funny. I didn't think Tina would fall in love with him. And I definitely didn't think Tammy was gonna pull the same crap as me but better with that mirror thing. And now I'm gonna go tell Tina and say I'm sorry, and we're all gonna laugh about this someday, right, guys? I don't think that's such a good idea. Lin, why is that not such a good idea? 'Cause Tina's already feeling heartbroken right now. If we tell her the truth, she's going to feel heartbroken and dumb. She got catfished by a box! So I'm not telling Tina? You'll see. You'll all go trick-or-treating tomorrow. She'll be fine. She'll be back to her normal, teeny Tina. She just needs nougat. Happy Halloween! I'm a witch! Costume fashion show! Get out here, kids! Here comes Gene! Turner and Hooch. Half dog, half Hanks, all cop! More like Turner and Cute. Come here, you! Oh, here comes Louise. Shiny scorpion person. Wow! I'm Ryan Gosling from the major motion picture trailer Drive. So violent, but so well-reviewed. And here she is, last but not least, Tina! Dressed as a pretty glasses girl. Wait. You didn't change at all. I'm not gonna go trick-or-treating, guys. What? No. You should go! Eat your candy. You need it. Yeah, no, I'm just gonna hang out here for a while. And later, I might stop by the cemetery. If I don't show my face now, I'll never be able to do it. What? Why would you go there? Tammy's gonna be there. And a certain cardboard box. Ruff! You guys go ahead without me. I'll be fine. I'll just watch other people have fun on Halloween. That kid's having fun. Glad Tina's okay. Time to go trick-or-treating! Are you kidding me? Tina is not okay. Look at her. I know what we have to do now. Tammy's going down, and she's going down with a strong dose of her own medicine. Which I invented! Love it. One suggestion. Can we go trick-or-treating for a couple of hours, and then see how we feel? No, Gene! Can we just stop for ramen? Ha, all right! We're the older kids now! Hanging out in the cemetery! Man, in a few years, we'll be parents! And I have a serious boyfriend. So, uh, I guess we're supposed to break into that creepy mausoleum, huh? It's a rite of passage. Hey, we got a ghost with us. We're good, right? Jeff, you know the doorman? Oh. Hey, guys. Oh. Um, you two have, like, zero out of ten permission to be here. You're too young. Yeah, little fetuses. Hooch, heel! Where's Tina? Crying into her butt? No. My butt is dry and strong. Ew. Ruff! Good boy. Hey, Louise. Tina, I'm glad you're here. You're gonna want to see this. I thought you guys were gonna go trick-or-treating. And I thought you guys were gonna actually go into the mausoleum. We're going! We're just we're just getting our legs ready. Look, here they go! We're about to march right in! Tammy? Tammy? What? What? It's so awkward that Jeff's ex is here. It's like so You could cut the tension with a knife. No, like, whatever. I'm so confident, because Jeff is, like, so over her. Come on, legs. Good, great, come on. Keep going! You can shake, but you can't quit on me! I can't see anything! Whoa. Someone just knocked Jeff out of my hands! You guys don't even care! I would care, but I'm too scared! Zeke, light the rite of passage candle. Here you go! I took it from my Dad's Jacuzzi tub. Here's your boyfriend, Tammy. I found him on the ground. You should really be more careful. Great. Now he's got ground on him. Sorry the candle smells like lavender. Kind of changes the vibe a little bit. Yeah. I'm feeling really relaxed all of a sudden. The door slammed shut! Well, somebody open it! It's locked! I can't open it! No! Oh, no. Tina, try it again! I can't budge it. It just won't open. Louise, how'd you do that? I didn't. That wasn't part of my plan. Well, then what was your plan? I put some bugs from the basement in Tammy's box. That's it? Gene, you were there. You helped me get the bugs. I know. I just thought there was gonna be more to it. But, yeah, no, it's-it's good. Oh, my God! Guys, look at this! "You are all condemned to eternal damnation "in here with me. "This is Jeff!" Jeff trapped us! Not cool, Jeff! Not cool. 'Oh, no! Eternal damnation sounds bad and long! It's the worst kind of damnation! If you really aren't doing this, Louise, Hooch is gonna have an accident. I swear it's not me. I knew I shouldn't have taken Tina's spooky seconds! Ugh! Got her. Uh-oh. This might have backfired a little bit. They're on me! They're on me! Listen! Listen to me! I have something to say. We're not trapped in here for eternal damnation. - I wrote that. - What?! Jeff the ghost isn't real. My sister made him up. Dude, what?! Oh, my God. That was me. Uh, hi, everybody. The bugs were also me. Part of me always kind of thought Jeff was fake. But then, last night, when I heard my family talking about how fake he was, I realized that he definitely was fake. Mm. Ah. Also, it's crazy. It's a box. But the things we wanted from Jeff were real. I wanted a boy to pay attention to me and never leave my side. Ah. Oh, man. I wanted to believe that there's more than this life. I wanted to believe so bad. It's okay, Zeke. Oh, God. It just means take advantage of the here and now. Oh, I hear you, man. And I wanted someone to watch Kitchen Nightmares with. And I just liked him 'cause everyone else liked him. I need to start thinking for myself, unless you guys don't think that's cool. Then I won't. And Tammy wanted to steal someone away from me because she's a horrible, jealous girl. She's right! Tammy's a handful! But we don't need Jeff. We can get these things from ourselves. Ah! I don't need a boy to pay attention to me. I'll pay attention to myself. And, Gene, it's okay to watch Kitchen Nightmares alone. And it's okay that I'm jealous and terrible. No, no. Fix yourself! Holy crap! Tina, you're amazing. I can't believe you planned this whole thing. You-you shut the door and pretended it was locked. You came here early and wrote this on the wall. What'd you use, by the way? Hopefully, not paint. It's ketchup. Checks out. Listen, I'm really sorry I made up a ghost that you fell in love with. It's okay. It was good practice for when a real ghost comes along. Well, you made this the best Halloween ever. And there's still time to go trick-or-treating! It's 10:30. It's too late. Ah, damn it, Jimmy Jr. ! Why do you always know the time?! I have a watch. Oh. Quick, to the Pacific time zone! It's still Halloween in San Diego! I'll be honest. I miss Jeff. Well, Bob, we have a lot of data to sift through. We got to get back to the lab. Let's, uh, close out your tab here. You guys ate, uh, 11 burgers. All delicious. We were about to settle the bill with you, too, Bob. Let's see. We did a beta wave test, a black light scan and an audio spectral recording. With all these services rendered, looks like it's gonna be a wash. Bye, Bob. Bye, Linda. You can't leave. You have to pay for your food. We can't pay you. Mm. Why? Should we tell him, Phil? Mm-hmm. We've been dead for 12 years. Oh, my God! Bobby, they're ghosts! I knew it. Bye! Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Hold on. Watch out, Bobby! They're going to walk right through you! Do you take credit cards? Oh, they're not ghosts.