Ready, Set, Don't Drive

Miley and Robby are sitting in a car on the motor way, with Miley at the wheel. She takes a quick glance at the mirrors.

ROBBY You're doing good there, bud. Driving like a real pro. You might want to slow down here just a touch.

Robby is thinking the exact opposite, however, of what he is saying. He looks away sourly.

ROBBY (V/O in thoughts) We're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna die!

MILEY No problem, daddy. You're the boss.

She is thinking the exact opposite, however of what she is saying. She rolls her eyes as she thinks -

MILEY (V/O in thoughts) I know what I'm doing old man, stick a sock in it.

ROBBY You're gonna' ace that driver's test. Just focus on the road and stay calm.

Yet again, he is thinking the opposite.

ROBBY (V/O in thoughts) I'm gonna' throw up!

MILEY I will daddy, don't you worry. That driver's license is practically already in my hands.

Yet again, she is thinking the opposite.

MILEY (V/O in thoughts) And then I'll never have to drive with your paranoid parental but in.

They turn to each other and grin.

At the Department of Motor Vehicles, Miley is doing a check off before the Driving Instructor arrives.

MILEY Seatbelt, check. (She does her seatbelt up) Si de view mirror, check. (She glances over at the side mirrors) Guy inside side view mirror .. check him out! (She stares at the side view mirror, supposedly checking out the boy reflected)

The Ed places himself in the car, somewhat disturbed.

ED Is it to much to ask people to clean up after their dogs?

MILEY Is that part of the test, because if it is, it wasn't in the manuel.

ED I mean ... look at this.

The Ed shows Miley what is supposedly dogs droppings spread over his shoes. Horrified, she turns away.

MILEY Ew .... Ew ... I don't have to! Maybe you could wipe that off outside of my brand new car ... (She looks down and finds that it is to late, he is already wiping it across the floor) Oh, to late!

ED Let's get going. We're overbooked and I'm all backed up.

MILEY Wish I could say the same for the dog!



Miley and the Ed are driving along the street - Miley is holding a handkerchief across her nose in disgust of the stench that the dog's droppings carry, and has one hand on the steering wheel. The Ed is watching her with his clipboard.

ED All hands on the wheel, please.

Miley drops the hanky and holds her breath, then sticks her head out the window and takes in a deep breath of fresh air.

ED Head inside the car, please. Oh, and close the window, I'm fighting a cold.

Miley does so, with reluctancy in her face

MILEY ... But the smell?

ED It doesn't bother me, thanks for asking.

Miley tries to ignore the stench, while the Ed sneezes heavily. He blows his nose on a tissue and shows it to Miley.

ED Oh look at that, it's not yellow!

MILEY Ew!

The Ed wipes it across the compartment of the car at the top and Miley pulls over.

MILEY OK, that's it, get out of my car! And take your snotty nose and your stinky toes with you! (The Ed stares at her in frustration. Miley puts on her sweetest smile) On the bright side, I used my blinker before I pulled over.

With facial response, he rips Miley's progress chart up.



OPENING CREDITS

starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

and BILLY RAY CYRUS



Miley and Lily walk onto the beach outside Rico's shack, Miley in a state of fret.

LILY It's not the end of the world, they let you take the test again in two weeks!

MILEY I know, but it's so not fair! The only good thing is that you're the only one I told I was actually doing the test.

Lily's expression turns guilty.

LILY Aha ...

MILEY What did you do?

LILY Well ...

Behind Miley stands Oliver and a group of people holding up a large banner that reads "Congratulations Miley". Oliver is singing a rap. Miley looks over in shock.

OLIVER Here comes Miley Stewart! She passed her drivers test! She's kickin' it behind the wheel not walkin' it like the rest! She can drive it home!

GROUP Say what? Say What?

OLIVER I said she can drive it home!

GROUP Say what? Say What?

OLIVER Word - and respect! The road.

Miley is standing in mere shock, when she turns to Lily with her arms folded.

LILY I may have mentioned it to Oliver.

Oliver and the group of people, carrying the banner, come over to Miley's side. Oliver puts his arms around Lily and Miley.

OLIVER (Speaks in high pitched tone) So, first kid in our class to hit the "highway"! (Resumes regular tone) Tell us all about it!

Miley is lost for words: she stares at Oliver and hesitantly makes up something on the spot.

MILEY Well ... ar ... I ... (she glances up at the big colorful banner) you know ... (she speaks to the crowd, pointing a them) Driving - I personally think is ... overrated ... and it hurts our planet ... and not driving (stomps foot down) that takes some courage! I don't think I'm gonna' drive today ... or tomorrow! That's how strongly I feel!

Oliver puts his hand on Miley's shoulder.

OLIVER Wow! That is just about the stupidest thing I've ever heard! (He and the crowd break out into laughter. Noticing that Lily isn't, he taps her on the shoulder and laughs)

LILY (Fake) Ha ha!

MILEY OK! Listen up cause I'm only gonna say this once. The truth about it is ...

As she is about to finish, Ashley comes racing over to the crowd.

ASHLEY Hey! Has any-one seen Amber? Oh wait ... (points) there she is driving her brand new car, with her brand new license!

Ashley beeps her horn and the group starts to run over, forgetting all about Miley.

LILY Oh my gosh ... Oh my gosh ... look! It's canary yellow with matching leather seats!

Miley grabs Lily be the arm and starts to drag her away.

LILY Which is so tacky, really, really, tacky ...

Amber suddenly comes over to them.

AMBER Yes, yes, I know what you're all thinking: isn't she fabulous! Raise your hand if you wish you were me!

Ashley raises her hand.

ASHLEY I do! I do!

Amber looks around at the group still present on the beach, Miley and Lily just staring in frustration at them. She notices only Ashley has raised her hand.

AMBER That's it? Only one hand?

Ashley raises her other hand and yelps in excitement. Amber gives Ashley a bizarre glance.

AMBER You know what? You're all just jealous because I got my license before you guys. Yep, first in the class.

OLIVER Oh no you're not.

MILEY (Starts to walk away with Lily) Oh boy ...

OLIVER Go ahead, Miley! (refrains the two of them from leaving) Why don't you tell her?

MILEY Ha ha! Funny story! (Turns to Lily and shakes her shoulder) Help me!

AMBER (With attitude) Um, I'm waiting!

LILY (With attitude to Amber and Ashley) She doesn't have to answer to you!

MILEY (With attitude to Amber and Ashley) Yeah, I don't! You wanna' know why? (Lowers voice and speaks to Lily) Bring it on, baby!

LILY (With attitude to Amber and Ashley) Because ... this is America, that's why!

MILEY Yeah!

LILY (Continues Attitude) And in this country ... people have rights! And ... another something called freedom of speech! Or ... not to speech!

All this while Miley has been shaking her finger and body in an act of cheekiness towards Amber and Ashley.

AMBER Yeah, she failed, didn't she!

Lily whispers to Miley, who is frozen in the middle of shaking her finger at Amber and Ashley.

LILY Back to you, baby.

Miley walks over closer to Amber to confront her.

MILEY No, I did not "fail".

AMBER Oh! Then I guess you'll be "driving" to the big North Beach Party tonight.

MILEY Of coarse ... (realizes) That's tonight?

AMBER Is there a problem?

MILEY No!

She thinks the complete opposite.

MILEY (V/O thoughts) Yes!

LILY (V/O in thoughts) Oh boy!

OLIVER (V/O in thoughts) I wonder if she liked my rap?

Oliver starts to do some rap moves and Lily turns and looks at him bizarrely.



Miley and Robby walk into the Stewart household with some green bags. They precede into the kitchen.

MILEY Daddy, I have to drive to that party tonight! You have to convince them to let me retake the test. You know, use that (speaks in southern accent) well hello darlin', oh chuckz - that southern thing of yours. You know! Like the thing you do when you want the lady at the grocery store to use your expired coupons.

ROBBY Now Mile, do you really think if I could convince the DMV of anything I'd still have this for a driver's license photo?

Robby takes his driver's license out of his pocket and shows it to Miley. It has a picture of him with his eyes closed and a sour expression.

MILEY Ay!

ROBBY Yeah, I was in the middle of a sneeze when they took the picture and now every time I show my ID I gotta' go (breathes in deeply)

MILEY Well at least (breaths in deeply as her father did before) can drive!

ROBBY Now I know you're disappointed but you can retake the test in a couple of weeks. And until then, your brother can drive you around.

He, followed by Miley, precede to the couch where Robby is prepared to relax with his magazine, but Jackson comes racing down from upstairs.

JACKSON No, no, no, no, no, no!!! Why, why, why, why, why?? (Turns to Miley) You, you, you, you!

He runs up a small fleet of stairs and trips.

JACKSON Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!

He runs back upstairs. Miley and Robby stare at each other bizarrely.

ROBBY [Shrugs] See - I told you he would want to do it.

MILEY Daddy! Please!

ROBBY (Walks over to counter and reaches into bag) Come on baby, rules are rules. You're just gonna' have to wait.

Miley starts for the door.

MILEY You're right. There's nothing else I can do - but wait, and wait, and wait ... (she steps out onto the front porch, closing the door as she does so) ... until you can't hear me anymore.

She presses a button her cell and presses it to her ears.

MILEY (On phone) Hey Lily - meet me at the bus stop. (She looks behind herself to check nobody's listening) This girl is gonna' get a license.

She smiles cheekily and runs off, hanging up her phone and not looking back.



Jackson comes downstairs into the kitchen to meet Robby. He is holding in his hands a photo.

JACKSON Hey Dad, look at this. I just found a photo of me when I was six months old. (He holds up the photo next to his face and we see a young baby boy with a mohawk). Sweet, cuddly ... and so, so happy! (Holds it down) And then you ruined it by having that little devil child!

ROBBY You gotta' learn to laugh at life's little difficulties. (He heads for the door when the doorbell rings) Oh, and speaking of little difficulties, we have a little houseguest.

Robby opens the door and Rico is revealed to be standing there with a shifty look on his face. He walks in with a sinister expression.

RICO Hello, roomies.

JACKSON No, no, no, no, no! (Runs to Robby) Why, why, why, why? (Turns to Rico) You, you, you, you!

ROBBY Hey, his parents were out of town for the weekend, so I said he could stay with us.

Rico jumps from behind the couch and lands on the couch in a comfortable lying position.

ROBBY Look son, he's folks are nice people, and besides, helping out a neighbor is what life is about.

JACKSON OK old man, what did they give you?

ROBBY Laker tickets, court side.

Rico sprays some sort of liquid on his foot.

RICO Ha, feels so good on the open soars.

ROBBY Maybe I should head out for VIP parking.

Robby walks off and Jackson stares down at Rico.

At the Department of Motor Vehicles, Lily and Miley are standing in line. Miley has a look of broken hope on her face.

LILY You really think they're going to let you retake the test on the same day?

MILEY They have to! If I don't drive myself to that beach party tonight ... my life will be miserable.

LILY What are you talking about, you're (slight whisper) Hannah Montana.

MILEY Nah, that doesn't count. OK, I'm just going to tell the lady what happened. Look at that sweet face!

Miley gestures her hands over to Lorraine's face. Lorraine is smiling.

MILEY She will definitely make an exception.

But at the counter, Lorraine is shouting at the Governor.

LORRAINE No! Rules are rules, buckoo!

GOVERNOR But I'm the governor of California!

LORRAINE And I'm the queen - of this window! Your appointment was scheduled for 12:20. It is 12:22. Your appointment has been terminated! That's right, I went there!

GOVERNOR I'll be back ...

The Governor and his posse walk off, Miley and Lily staring on in horror. Lorraine yells after them.

LORRAINE Not for the next two weeks, you won't! Next!

Miley and Lily stare impenetrably.

MILEY I am so dead!

Miley and Lily step up to the window, horrified, but Lorraine is interrupted by a call and backs away.

LORRAINE (On phone) Yeah -- honey, the Hannah concert is sold out! (Miley and Lily begin plotting something) If mummy could get you better seats you know she would!

MILEY And Hannah is very much alive!

Miley and Lily race out.

Back in line again at the Department of Motor Vehicles as their alto-egos, Hannah and Lola are standing with their jackets covering them. A girl is standing nervously in front of Lorraine's window.

LORRAINE M-ha? Next!

The girl shrugs and walks off, and Hannah and Lola step forward, lowering their jackets and taking off their sunglasses. Lorraine is shocked.

HANNAH Hello!

LORRAINE Oh my gosh, it's Hannah Montana!

They put their jackets back over themselves.

HANNAH Sshh! Today I am not an international pop sensation. I am just another citizen here to take my drivers test.

LOLA How refreshing is that? Standing in line waiting her turn, she's just a regular ...

Lorraine cuts her off.

LORRAINE Why are you talking?

LOLA I don't know ...

Lorraine turns her attention back to Hannah, who is worried all over.

HANNAH Oh no ... (Lola ushers a dramatic 'ha') I must have left my papers at home and accidently grabbed these (takes from her bag two backstage tickets to a Hannah Montana concert) complimentary backstage passes by mistake. Whatever will I do now? (She fans herself dramatically with them)

LORRAINE Oh, you don't worry, you talented little Hannah about that. I'll be just a minute.

HANNAH Sure.

Lorraine walks off, but then turns back, in attempt to grab the tickets. But Hannah shakes them away.

HANNAH No, no, no!

LORRAINE OK ...

Lorraine walks off again.

LOLA Wait a minute, let's say you do get the license. How are you going to drive to that party without your dad noticing your car's missing?

HANNAH Simple. Every Friday night Daddy goes to the gym, runs on the treadmill for ten minutes ... and then spends the rest of the night rewarding himself at Busko's House of Chicken Pies. (Glances down at watch) He should be leaving right about now.

In the Stewart dining room, Robby is carrying his gym gear, with Jackson dragging at his legs, pleading for him not go and leave Rico. Rico is sitting on the window sill using the shaver to shave his armpit hairs, his feet in a water-filled sink. Rico is smiling.

JACKSON No! Please! Don't leave me alone with (turns back to Rico) that!

Robby continues to walk on, attempting to free himself of Jackson's grip.

RICO I've got a big swim meeting this weekend. You wouldn't believe the difference it makes in the butterfly.

He gestures butterfly stroke with his hand. Robby finally breaks free of Jackson.

ROBBY Sorry son, but every man for himself.

Robby races out the door, Jackson following, dragging himself along the carpet on his stomach.

JACKSON No!!

At night, Miley is driving in her car along the highway, gesturing a microphone in her hands and singing to the tune of "Rock-Star".

MILEY (Singing) Sometimes I lie to the government, just to get my license ... to drive a car! And now I'm on my way to the party to see Amber and rub her face in it, na, na, na, na, na, na!

A police siren can be heard coming up behind Miley.

MILEY ... na, na, not good!

Miley is pulled over, and Officer Diaria comes to her window.

OFFICER DIARIA License please.

MILEY Ar ... yes sir, (hands license to him) is there a problem ... (feels for badge) Officer Diaria?

OFFICER DIARIA It's De-aria.

MILEY Of course it is! My bad.

OFFICER DIARIA Your turn signal's been on for the last mile and a half.

MILEY Oh, is my face red! (fans herself) You are very good at your job. They should make you captain - I'll write a letter. Thanks so much for your help, it's been great working with you, buh-bye.

OFFICER DIARIA Ah, not so fast, miss. First, explain to me exactly why your license says "Hannah Montana"

He shows her the license.

MILEY Oh, that's just because ... (turns away) sweet niblets!



At the police station, Miley is being ushered into a cell.

MILEY No! Please! I just changed my name to Hannah Montana because I'm a really big fan. You know, it would happen to you to, if you were famous. Los Angelus would be flooded with Diaria's.

OFFICER DIARIA It's De-aria.

MILEY I knew that! and I am really sorry! You just got to believe me, that I ...

Officer Diaria shuts the door and Miley clutches the bars.

MILEY Or not!

OFFICER DIARIA Maybe some time in here, will help you remember the truth.

MILEY But I can't stay in here! I ... I ... I ... gotta potty.

OFFICER DIARIA It's right there.

Miley looks back and sees a horrid dunny can.

MILEY Not in this lifetime. Please, just call my Daddy's cell phone, he'll clear it all up for me, yes, I'll be grounded for like three years, but at least I'll have a bathroom with a door and a cushy toilet seat that says come on over.

Shrugging with a sigh, Officer Diaria turns to the phone on the wall.

OFFICER DIARIA What's the number?



In the Stewart living room, Jackson and a girl are sitting on the lounge couch, disturbed by Rico, who is sitting next to them with facial cream on and flossing his teeth.

JACKSON I'm sorry. When I invited you over I didn't know that I'd be stuck ... (they look over at Rico, who's teeth are making a vibration noise as the floss runs over them) babysitting.

Something jumps out of Rico's mouth while he is flossing and it lands in the girl's glass of water.

RICO I think that's last week's lamb chop!

The girl puts the glass down on the table and turns to Jackson.

GIRL I'm sorry ... but you're just not worth it.

Kelsey heads for the door, Jackson trying to reassure her.

JACKSON Wait no! (Jumps up after her) I made clam dip!

As Jackson runs after her, leaving Rico, the phone rings. Rico looks around for it and answers it.

RICO Heyo!

Cuts to Officer Diaria at the station on the phone, Miley looking over.

OFFICER DIARIA Hello, this is Officer Diaria, down at Malibu PD. A girl here, who says she's your daughter, claims to be "Hannah Montana".

Cuts to Rico again, shocked.

RICO What?

OFFICER DIARIA Is Hannah Montana your daughter?

Cuts to Rico again on the couch.

RICO Yes, of course. She lives here with me and my wife Shikera! Now prank somebody else, you're killing Rico's beauty buzz.

Rico hangs the phone up and dismisses it on the couch. Jackson comes storming in and stands behind where Rico is sitting.

JACKSON OK, you have jerked me around for two years and I am sick of it! Whatever friendship we had is ... "over". '

Jackson walks off upstairs, leaving Rico with a sad look on his face.

At the station, Miley is clutching the bars tightly.

MILEY What'd he say?

OFFICER DIARIA He said that I was killing Rico's "beauty buzz".

Miley rolls her eyes shifty.

MILEY Rico ... (!)

OFFICER DIARIA You are in a lot of trouble, miss. Until we can figure out exactly who you are ... you'll have to kiss your cushion toilet seat good bye.

He starts to walk off.

MILEY You've gotta believe me! Come back! The truth is ... (swallows deeply) my real name is Miley Stewart. I'm just a regular girl who's a pop star but hide it so she can live a normal life. It's the Best of Both Worlds, get it? Cool, huh?

OFFICER DIARIA Where do you kids come up with these ridiculous ideas? I blame television.

MILEY But please! You've gotta believe me, I am Hannah Montana! Ask me anything about her.

OFFICER DIARIA Alright, if you're going to stick to this idiotic story. There's only one thing left for me to do.

Officer Diaria steps out.

In the Interrogation Room, Officer Diaria stands at the door and precedes in. Miley is sitting at the table in silence, awaiting actions.

OFFICER DIARIA She's in here. You know what you have to do.

With attitude, Officer Diaria's daughter Kelsey steps in.

KELSEY I'm going to enjoy this. (whips her sunglasses off) Oh yeah!

She steps in the room and stands next to her father.

MILEY Who is this?

OFFICER DIARIA My daughter. The ultimate Hannah fan. If you can convince her you're Hannah Montana ... I'll let you go.

MILEY Cool, this'll be easy. What do you wanna know sweetie?

KELSEY Don't "sweetie" me, punk! December 18th, 2007, Hannah performed where?

MILEY (Rises) Hartbrough Civic Centre.

KELSEY What did she open with?

MILEY Rock Star.

KELSEY Close with?

MILEY Best of Both Worlds. Don't go anywhere, this ain't gonna' take long.

KELSEY Oh no, I'm just getting started, Hannah Not-tana. (They both take a seat) In between Pump up the Party and I Got Nerve, Hannah said "I love you cannakin" and then winked at the audience. Which eye did she use?

MILEY Which eye? Are you kidding me!

KELSEY Do I look like I'm kidding?

Kelsey shines the lamp on Miley's face, and her father crouches down beside her.

MILEY (To Diaria) Sweet kid you got there. Who's her mother? Godzilla?



Rico is sitting on the couch in the Stewart living room whimpering on the phone. Jackson walks down and ignores Rico, but as he hears him talking, turns back from where he is headed and walks over to him.

RICO Mummy, please, you have to come home early. Jackson doesn't want me here anymore. No, but mummy, it's my fault. Why am I such a jerk to the people I care most about?

Jackson starts loudly clapping.

JACKSON Bravo!

RICO Jackson, what are you doing?

JACKSON Yeah right! Like that's really your "mummy" on the phone.

RICO She can hear you.

JACKSON Oh yeah? Well wait till she hears this.

Jackson snatches the phone off Rico and walks into the kitchen. He speaks in a sort of "Elvis" tone.

JACKSON Well hey there sweet mumma! You wanna' come over for a game of hide and seek? I'll let you find me, you sweet little cherio.

A loud whining mother's voice can be heard speaking from the phone.

JACKSON Oh! Oh no! No, no, I didn't know! But no ... I had no idea ...

Rico takes the phone from Jackson's ear.

RICO Shame on you!

JACKSON Just ... just tell her that I'm sorry. And you can stay here as long as you want, OK? In fact - I'll take the couch. I'll even clean my room for you.

He embraces Rico in a cuddle and races back upstairs. Rico raises the phone to his ear.

RICO Nice work, mummy. Together we're unbeatable. Wahaha!

Rico's mother laughs evilly through the phone as well.



In the Interrogation room, Kelsey is all over Miley. Miley's hair is sticking up in a bizarre fashion.

KELSEY November 4th, 2006, Hannah jumps on a paparazzi's back outside of a trendy club. What was the headline in the Los Angelos Herald?

MILEY Hang on ... I know this ... Hannah's wild Ride! Bam!

KELSEY March 17th, 2005, Sunset Billboard. Billboard goes up with a picture of Hannah with a zit on her face. Was it on her cheek or her chin?

MILEY My cheek. No ... my chin. It had to be my cheek, I always ... it was my cheek, bam! bam!

KELSEY It was her forehead! Bam, Bam, Charkey and Bam! We're done here. Listen, don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. (She sticks her sunglasses on and walks off, and Miley starts to sing the Best of Both Worlds)

MILEY (Singing) You get the limo out front, oh, oh. (Rises from seat) Hottest styles, every shoe, every color. Yeah when you're famous it can be kinda' fun (Kelsey comes back in and starts singing) It's really you but no one ever discovers.

KELSEY Oh, it really is you!

Kelsey jumps all over Miley, and Miley pushes her off.

MILEY Alright, alright, I've had enough of that, get off me. You cannot tell anyone about this, OK. Otherwise I can't be Hannah anymore.

KELSEY Well we can't let that happen.

MILEY No we can't. Now go tell your daddy to let me out of here so I can get home before my dad finds out.

Miley heads for the door, but is stopped in her steps by the daunting figure of her father.

ROBBY Daddy's little convict say what?



Miley and Robby are in the car, but this time with Robby driving.

MILEY Kids! We do the darnest things! But you gotta' love us. You gotta' love me, right?

ROBBY You know what, you wanted something so bad that you bent the rules to get it. And any time you do that it's gotta' bite you on the but.

MILEY And you are right. You are absolutely right. Two hours and twenty three minutes in the slammer can really change a person. I've learnt my lesson. So any other punishment would be completely pointless.

ROBBY I wouldn't necessarily go that far with it.

MILEY Daddy, can we please not go down this road, because this is where the party is. And the last thing I want is to be seen being driven by my dad. (Robby gives her a look) Oh no.

ROBBY Oh yeah.

MILEY Come on daddy. You may as well pull out a blow horn and announce my arrival.

ROBBY You know me to well darling.

Robby reaches down and takes out a blow horn.

MILEY Oh come on!

ROBBY (Through intercom) Hey everybody! It's Miley Stewart's daddy dropping her off at the party. Because she didn't get a license! Ha, ha, ha! (Turns to Miley) How's that for punishment?



Miley, Lily and Oliver are sitting on the couch at Miley's house. Miley has her license and they are examining the photo. The photo of Miley looks hideous!

MILEY This is so not fair. Who takes a picture on two? Everyone knows you take it on three, one, two three!

Lily snatches the license from her.

LILY It's really not that bad.

OLIVER Are you kidding? It looks like a horse stepped on her face! (Takes the license from Lily)

LILY Oliver, that's ridiculous!

She snatches it back from him.

LILY It's more like she ran into a plain glass door! Ha, ha!

Lily pulls an impression of the face. Miley rolls her eyes.