Cruisin' for a Bruisin'

Transcript

 * (episode starts with a close-up Chief, which soon zooms out to show celebrations at a cruise ship docked at port)
 * The Chief: (serious) "T.U.F.F. agents, we're on a critical mission. A mission to have fun on the annual, T.U.F.F. vacation!" (celebration; bystanders wave at agents boarding cruise ship)
 * Chief: (standing on Dudley's head; rips off clothes to reveal underwear with a design of the American flag) "Aha!"
 * Dudley: "Please tell me the Chief's not naked on my head."
 * Chief: "Of course not, Agent Puppy. I'm wearing a European-style monokini."
 * Dudley: (to Kitty) "I still can't believe T.U.F.F. agents get to take vacations. Aren't we supposed to be protecting the world from eviil?"
 * Kitty: (wearing casual) "Don't worry Dudley, T.U.F.F. and D.O.O.M. have a longstanding agreement to take a vacation in the last week of August"
 * (quick cut to D.O.O.M. lair)
 * Verminious Snaptrap: "We are not taking a vacation!"
 * Ollie, Larry, Skunk and Francisco: (all dressed for vacation) "Awwww..."
 * Larry: "But Snaptrap, I already booked the D.O.O.M. timeshare in Acapulco. I wanted to go snorkeling.
 * Snaptrap: "You can snorkel in the shark tank, Larry! (presses button, Larry falls into shark tank and screams) 
 * Snaptrap: "Anywho, I just learned that four top T.U.F.F. agents are on a cruise! Which means they'll be vulnerable to an attack. And what better way to take a cruise ship than with its mortal enemy, the iceberg?!" (lights switch on to reveal a giant iceberg in the background) "Behold, my iceberg lair!" (opens hatch with remote key)
 * Sharks and Larry: "Oooohhh.."
 * Snaptrap: "We're gonna crash into the cruise ship, and sink those T.U.F.F. agents for good."
 * (transition to Snaptrap, Ollie, Larry, Skunk and Francisco in iceberg; everyone except for Snaptrap is shivering)
 * Snaptrap: "Check it out guys, it's got GPS, sonar and an all-you-can-eat salad bar."
 * Larry: (shivers) "It's cold in here...."
 * Snaptrap: "Sorry Larry, they were all out of warm icebergs!" (iceberg sets off on voyage) "And we're off!" (to Larry) "Pedal like your life depends on it.. because it does!" (Larry is powering the iceberg by pedalling)
 * (cut to T.U.F.F. vacation's cruise ship setting sail; loud horn blares and agents wave goodbye to crowd)
 * Chief: "Let's get this party started. Woo! This is my one week a year to let my hair down!"
 * Dudley: "So what are ya gonna do Chief?"
 * Chief: "I'm gonna let my hair down. (removes pin to reveal flowing blonde hair) Mmm.. (jumps off)
 * Dudley: "Okay, we've been on vacation ten minutes and the Chief's freaked me out twice."
 * Keswick: "Well I'm off to modify the ship's engines to operate on cold fusion.." (stare from Kitty and Dudley) "Hahaha, just k..k..k..kidding. I'm going to sing at the karaoke lounge. I'm not that big of a g..g..g..geek." (leaves on a Segway, wearing a solar-powered propeller cap)
 * Dudley: (excited) "Looks like it's just you and me Kitty. So what do you want to do?!"
 * Kitty: "It's my vacation. I just want to relax and spend some time alone."
 * Dudley: "Me too!! So what should we do first?! Hula dancing?" (dressed as a hula dancer) "Extreme shuffleboard?" (dressed as an extreme shuffleboarder)
 * Kitty: (insincere sigh) "So hard to choose. Give me a week to think about it." (walks into cabin)
 * Dudley: "But the cruise is only a week."
 * Kitty: (smug) "Okay, then give me seven days."
 * Dudley: "Sure." (Kitty slams door shut) "Uh, my tail's caught in the door."
 *  (scene transition to Kitty, who is trying to relax on the ship's deck) 
 * Kitty: (sitting on a lawnchair, gets out a book) "Finally, some alone time."
 * (Dudley in his fish tank comes crashing into a waiter with Kitty's dish of nachoes, causing the food to spill all over her face)
 * Dudley: (wearking snorkels) "Water aerobics? Deep-sea bingo?"
 * Kitty: "Dudley, what part of I just want to relax did you not understand?"
 * Dudley: "The part where you said where I just want to relax. Can I have your nachoes?" (picks nachoes off her face and eats them)
 * Kitty: "Okay, I'll tell you the truth." (sidewards glance, decides to lie) "I'm not really relaxing, I'm undercover. I have intel that there's a supervillain on this cruise."
 * Dudley: "No way.. (looks up) What's intel?"
 * Kitty: "Intelligence."
 * Dudley: "Still not following."
 * Kitty: (makes air quotes) "Inside information."
 * Dudley: (whispers) "But we're outside."
 * Kitty: "Riiight. Listen, we have a bad guy to catch. So I'll pretend to be a relaxed vacationer, while you investigate the other side of the ship.. as far from me as possible! "
 * Dudley: "I'm on it! Hi-gee-gee!" (runs off)
 * (Kitty sighs in relief)
 * Dudley: (returns) "I'll be back with regular progress reports!" (speeds away and causes the lawnchair to snap, trapping Kitty in it.)
 * Kitty: "Haha, I can't believe he fell for that." (self-assured) "There isn't a villain within a hundred miles of here."
 *  (quick cut to Snaptrap's iceberg, cruising over sea) 
 * Snaptrap: (observing instrument panel) "We're ninety-nine miles from the cruise ship and closing! (red light and beeps) "Wait a minute, now we're a hundred-and-two miles from the cruise ship! Larry, are you pedalling to Acapulco?"
 * Larry: (while wearing sombrero) "No."
 * Snaptrap: "That does it, you're banned from the salad bar!"
 * Larry: (pedalling) "Big whoop. I don't even like salad."
 * Snaptrap: (serves himself vegetables) "Well everyone needs roughage, Larry. No wonder you're so sickly and pathetic." (drops leaf) "Five second rule!" (bends over to eat, but tongue gets stuck to ice) "Uggh.. You disgust me Larry!"
 *  (transition to feast on cruise ship's deck; Kitty is relaxing) 
 * Kitty: (looking through bag) "Tuna-flavored lip balm, anchovy gum.. Here we go: official T.U.F.F. tanning mirror." (sunbathes while sipping juice)
 * Dudley: "DON'T DRINK THAT!" (jumps out of nowhere and kicks glass away) "It could have been poisoned by the bad guy!"
 * Kitty: "THERE IS NO BAD-" (notices everyone staring at her) "I mean.. well done Agent Puppy."
 * Dudley: "Thanks! I came to give you a progress report."
 * Kitty: "And?"
 * Dudley: "I haven't made any progress. That's my report." (takes out clipboard with papers) "Initial here, here and here."
 * (glass drops on Kitty's head, falls off and hits the "tan" button on Kitty's mirror; this causes the mirror to reflect the sun's rays onto an ice sculpture of a dolphin, melting it and flooding the cabin and wetting everyone)
 * Dudley: "Nice undercover work Kitty. If I didn't know better I'd really think you were some clumsy dope on vacation. Hi-gee-gee!" (leaves)
 *  (transition to Keswick in karaoke lounge) 
 * Keswick: (into microphone) "For my first number, I'm gonna sing a quick little du..d..ditty called "Row Row ra.. Row Your Boat." (sings) "♫Row, row, rra..rra..rra..rra..rra..rra..♫"
 * Man in Audience: "Your boat!"
 * Keswick: "Keep your shirt on c..c..c..cowboy. I was getting to that."
 *  (quick transition to Chief standing on bow of cruise ship; parody of Titanic's famous scene) 
 * Chief: (with his hair flowing) "I'm chief of the wooooooorrrrrllllld!" (pelican eats him and flies off into the sky) "Aahhhh! Arrggghhhh!"
 *  (At the same time Kitty takes plunge into the swimming pool on deck but lands on concrete, injuring herself) 
 * Dudley: (whispers) "I drained the pool to look for clues. There weren't any."
 * Kitty: (incensed) "You! You! Youuu... are doing a great job.."
 * Dudley: "Want a progress report?"
 * Kitty: "No."
 * Dudley: "That's good 'cause I still haven't made any. Hi-gee-gee!" (leaves, wetting Kitty again)
 *  (cut to Snaptrap observing cruise ship through periscope) 
 * Snaptrap: (shivers) "We're c..cl..closing in. It won't be long before r..ram this iceberg into that crtr..cruise ship. And I'm going to celebrate by ramming this iceberg lettuce into my mouth." (eats) "Mmmm... what are these delicious crumbly things?"
 * Ollie: (holds up plate) "Blue cheese boss." (Snaptrap yells and puffs up to an enormous size because of an allergic reaction) "Come to think of it aren't you allergic to cheese?"
 * Snaptrap: (puffs up to the extent of filling up the iceberg and popping up above the hatch) "Well thank you Captain Obvious."
 *  (cut to Kitty in her cabin, lying down on her bed with the sheets pulled up; she opens her eyes and screams upon seeing Dudley staring at her with a pair of binoculars) 
 * Dudley: (whispers) "Go back to sleep Kitty. I'm on the lookout for the bad guy." (Kitty covers her face with a pillow)
 * Dudley: (observing through porthole with binoculars) "Five a.m. and no sign of the bad guy. Five a.m. and three seconds and no sign of the bad guy. Five a.m. and five seconds and no sign of the bad guy."
 * Kitty: "Will you give it a rest?! Even bad guys have to sleep!"
 * Dudley: "I guess you're right. I could use a little shut-eye myself."
 * Kitty: (annoyed) "Good, then be quiet."
 * Dudley: "I usually sleep on that side of the bed." (points; Kitty moves to the left side)
 * (Dudley circles around the right side of the bed before shutting his eyes, lays down and circles again but fails to fall asleep)
 * Dudley: (shakes Kitty) "Kitty. Kitty! Kitty! Hey Kitty wake up! I can't sleep. (cute eyes) "Will you tell me a story?"
 * Kitty: (picks up alarm clock) "Once upon a time, I hit a dog with a clock! The end!" (goes back to sleep)
 * Dudley: "I dont.. like that story." (Kitty covers herself with the pillow again; Dudley uses his binoculars to watch outside and sees Snaptrap and his iceberg)


 * Dudley: (jumping on bed and Kitty) "Aahh! Bad guy! Bad guy! Bad guy! Bad guy! Snaptrap's outside and he's driving an iceberg! Finally some progress!" (hands clipboard to Kitty) "Initial here, here and here."
 * (Kitty looks through binoculars to see outside, but fog conceals Snaptrap)
 * Kitty: "Dudley, there is no one out there. Look, this is my fault.. I lied about the bad guy thing and it's making you paranoid."
 * Dudley: "You lied to me?! But we're partners, why would you do that?"
 * Kitty: (ashamed) "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but you were driving me crazy and I needed a little alone time. I'm sorry."
 * Dudley: (heartbroken) "Oh.. I understand.. Well you can have your alone time right now. I'm gonna go save the ship! Alone!" (brings clipboard) "Initial here, here and here." (Kitty signs; Dudley leaves)
 *  (transition to scene inside iceberg; Snaptrap is still puffed up) 
 * Snaptrap: (observing sonar) "Yaaay! We're closing in on the ship. Bring us up to ramming speed Larry!" (Larry passes out from exhaustion) "Oh super, Larry passed out. When he comes to, everybody shun him. You want something done right, you gotta do it yourself. Ollie, get on the bike."
 * (iceberg closes in on ship)
 * Snaptrap: "Ahahahahahahahaha! Braace for impaact!"
 *  (meanwhile on the cruise ship's bridge; Dudley rushes to the captain to warn him but accidentally knocks him off the ship and into the sea) 
 * Dudley: "Oh no! The captain's gone! That fiend Snaptrap must have gotten to him. Oooh, he left his hat." (puts on hat) "Arrgh!" (iceberg is straight ahead of ship's bow; passengers scream and flee) "Argghh! This hat is awesooome!" (Dudley takes control of the wheel and spins it to avoid collision, knocking the ship off balance for a while)
 * Keswick: (still singing in lounge) "♫Merrily merrily.. (shakes due to Dudley's steering) m.. m..me..me..me.. ♫" (breathes) "I am going to have to start over." (everyone whines) "Ahem! ♫Row, row..♫"
 *  (cut to Kitty falling out of her bed) 
 * Kitty: "DUDLEY!"
 * (high angle shot showing the iceberg missing the ship)
 * Snaptrap: "Curses we missed! Try again Ollie."
 * (Dudley sees the ship approaching for another attempt and tries to spin the wheel in panic; Kitty flies into the bridge)
 * Kitty: (still in her pajamas) "Dudley, what in the world are you do- oh hey, look at that.. there is an iceberg." (sees upside down iceberg)
 * Dudley: "It's Snaptrap, Kitty! He's trying to sink the ship! And I've got a captain's hat!"
 * Kitty: (regretful) "There really was a bad guy." (facepalm) "And I was just laying around all day with my stupid tanning mirror!"
 * Dudley: "Tanning mirror! That gives me an idea." (takes mirror) "You take the wheel and I'll keep that hat! Hi-gee-gee!" (charges into action)
 * (iceberg is about to crash into bow)
 * Snaptrap: "That's it Ollie.. Nothing can stop us now!"


 * (Dudley jumps to front of ship with mirror, setting it to "well done" (which makes it increase in size) and holding it right in front of the iceberg)
 * Dudley: "Kitty! Now!"
 * (Kitty steers the ship away from the iceberg, allowing the mirror to reflect the sun's rays onto the iceberg, which causes it to melt; everyone cheers)
 * Snaptrap: (taking refuge with all his minions on the salad bar) "Oh, Agent Puppy. Fancy meeting you here. Would you care to visit our salad bar?"
 * (net is cast, scooping up the still allergic Snaptrap and the rest of D.O.O.M.)
 * Kitty: "The only bars you'll be seeing are in the Petropolis Prison!"
 * Dudley: "Prison's too good for Snaptrap. My hat and I have a better idea."
 *  (cut to next scene; still in the net, Snaptrap and D.O.O.M. are forced to endure Keswick's singing) 
 * Keswick: "♫Row, row, ra..ra..ra..row row...♫"
 * Snaptrap: "Your boat! It's your boat! Make it stop!"
 *  (cut to unrelated scene; Chief is relaxing in a pool of water in the still-flying pelican's mouth) 
 * Chief: "Ahhhh... This is the greatest vacation ever." (sees his mankini float to the surface) "Okay, now it's weird."
 * (image of the Chief in pelican's mouth is the ending gag)
 * THE END