Nude Beach

Hugo: Will the burger be hot enough? Hot enough to kill the deadly bacteria? Or is it so cool that I will shut you down? One sixty-three, one sixty-four... One sixty-five. Hot patty. It's safe. Damn it! Yay! Yay! Grade-A ground beef. Meaning we dropped it on the ground. Louise. Are we done here, Hugo? Almost. There's just the little matter of your handwashing certification. I don't see it prominently displayed anywhere. Come on, nobody needs to be certified in handwashing. Yeah! Hands off my hands, government! If you wish to remain open, you will attend a one day seminar exploring the 32 steps of proper hand sanitation. I am not taking that seminar. Not before you watch the introductory DVD, you're not. Ugh. Come on, Hugo. And here's your "C" rating. Which will remain in your window until you graduate. What?! Hugo, you're an awful man. Uh, wrong, Bob. I'm a "lawful" man. (laughs) Falafel man. Waffle man. Omelettes. Am I doing it right? We should get going, Hugo. Who're you going to harass next, you guys? Well, Bob, if you must know, perhaps you've heard our town is now home to a disgusting nude beach? There've been reports of vendors there serving food while n-n... naked. That's how the vendors served food in the Bible. Don't drag religion into this. Sorry. So long, Bob. You better get certified or that "C" will stand for "closed." (laughs) Hi. I'm Andre Royo. I played Bubbles on the critically acclaimed series The Wire. Today I'm here to talk about a different kind of bubbles. Soap bubbles. Remember: When washing your hands, do it for the time it takes to count to a thousand. One... two... three... four... (groans) Bobby, when are you and me gonna go to that nude beach that Hugo was talking about? Ugh. Nude beaches are full of overweight, out-of-shape old bodies and I don't want to go there and realize I look exactly like that. I'll go with you, Mom. Mother-daughter nudity day. Fun! I'm pretty sure it's no kids allowed. No kids allowed? Hmm... Look through here and tell me what you see. Tina: It's a cliff. My turn! That's a cliff, all right. Tina, you nailed it! No, it's a cliff that overlooks the nude beach. And if we figure out how to get up there, we could sell tours... nudity tours... to teenage boys. It's like the lnternet, but outside. Yes! Hey, whoa, God! We're not even at the nude beach yet, you. Guess my boobs didn't get the memo. Ha! Linda: It's like we're in Paris. I love it. I know. C'est la vie. Let's go! Whoo! Keep hacking! Come on, guys, we're gonna be the Lewis and Clark of nudism! I'll be the Sacajawea. Of sacks! This is fun! (gasps) You already took your bottoms off! Whoa, whoa! What kind of shape is that? I don't know, it started out to be a triangle, but then I had to do it myself, and then, I don't know... it's like a flower or something. Whoa. Check out the hot guys in the drum circle. Hi. Hey, that looks like... Oh, my God! Bobby, you're not gonna believe this. He was at the nude beach! Wait, who was there? Hugo! Yeah, he was trying to shut the place down. No, he's one of them now. One of what? A nudist! Nudie! He was playing in the waves. (chuckles) Dancing around. He looked like, ah... Madonna in the "Cherish" video. Th-that's not possible. He said he took a leave of absence to be nude. So... Hugo's not our health inspector anymore? Do you know what this means? We're free! Ah! Oh, oh! No more surprise inspections! Ha, ha! No more stupid violations! And I am not going to the handwashing class! Filth! I wash my hands. Unbelievable. Hugo the health inspector is a nudist! I know, can you believe it? Gretchen and I spotted him from across the sands... Out with the bad air, in with the nude air. Don't be embarrassed, Linda. Yes, we were once an item, and true, we never saw each other nude back then... unfortunately... but better late than never. What happened? I thought you were gonna shut this place down. Oh, my investigation? Let's just say what I uncovered in that investigation was my very own soul. Wow. The old Hugo would have seen this man as a health hazard, pure and simple. The new Hugo sees only a man. A nude man selling blondies. Three blondies, please. Whoa, wai... Wha... Where'd you pull that from? My fanny pack. Where's your fanny pack? Oop. Oh-ho! There it is. Well, it kind of makes sense. I mean, the guy was wound so tight he was like a tubby little time bomb. Teletubby time bomb. Kids! Come in here! I have amazing news. Can't it wait? We're tired. And rashy. (grunts) Where were you? Bushwacking a trail to the nude overlook. Dad, before you say anything, know that we're gonna come out of this deal stinkin' rich! And we're gonna put a roof over you and Ma. Well, good luck. I'd pay not to have to look at those people. Hey, Dad, whoa, whoa, whoa, rewind. I'd like to hear your amazing news. Everyone, Hugo is not a health inspector anymore. He's a nudist! (door bell jangles) Ron! I think I know why you're here. Go ahead, I'll pretend I haven't heard. It's true. Hugo has taken a leave of absence. We miss him terribly and hope for his speedy return. Ha-ha! Right. All right, well, I'd like you to meet Hugo's replacement. Hey, hello, Tommy Jaronda. Pleasure to meet you. Hi. Uh... what, you're the new Hugo? Well, there's only one Hugo. Yeah, well, I'm here, so let's get into it. Oh, um... listen, Inspector, uh, Jaronda, I know you're just doing your job, but we got inspected two days ago, so... Yeah, yeah, it's cool, Bob. Yeah, yeah, you know what? Call me Tommy. Okay, Tommy. All right. I'm seeing a lot of tickytacky fouls here. What, he made you go to a handwashing seminar? That's some major B.S. Pardon my language, kids. How are you? Hello. No sweat off our ass. Yeah, that Hugo, he kind of had it out for us. Ugh. I-I can't stand inspectors like that. You know? Makes us look like turds. "No one can make you look like a turd without your permission." Eleanor Roosevelt. Ha! This kid's a trip! Funny stuff, funny stuff. You know what? I'm actually, uh... I'm starving. You hungry, Ron-Ton? You mean eat one of Bob's burgers? Hugo would never... Oh, come on, Ron. This guy... (laughs) How tall is this guy? (chuckling): He's pretty tall. The leaning tower of ta... of tall guy. (Bob laughs) I'm giving you a hard time, come here. Hey, Bob, can you grill us up a couple? Um... is this part of the inspection? Uh, yeah, something I like to call the mouth inspection. (laughing) Okay. (continues laughing) Whoa! This is incredible! Wow, first time I ever got a compliment from a health inspector. Bob, question: You like rock? Um, yeah. I like rock... music. Is that what you're talking about? Yes. Okay. You know, I play almost every night over at Pistol McSwish's Basketball and Brew. You should come by. Th-That'd be great. Absolutely. What your burger did to my mouth, my music is gonna do to your ears. (laughs) That's great... (laughs) Come here, come here. All right, all right. Get out of here, man. What are you doing? Yeah, come here. Oh. You got me. What, you punching me? I'm punching you back. I think Dad just got to second base with that guy. What are you doing this weekend, brother? I would like to visit the nude beach and see the naked people. You only live once, right, my sister? Haven't you heard? Kids aren't allowed on the nude beach. No! Unfair, isn't it? Well, what if I told you that you could see the nude beach? Mm! All the dingles... Ooh. All the dongles... Ahh. All for one low price. I want to see the dongles! Hell, yeah! Cocoa-buttered boobies! Sign up here to see the buff from the bluff! Don't be shy... they certainly aren't. Darryl: Hello, Louise. Darryl, you interested? You strike me as more of an indoor nerd. I am interested, but not as a customer... as a key member of your team. For a piece of the action? Oh-ho-ho, is that so? (laughs) It is so. If you're nudie watching from the top of a bluff, I've got something that'll double your money. Basically, this is the Hubble for boobies. I've seen my neighbor across the street put her bra and girdle on hundreds of times. Aren't girdles for old people? They are. And she is. Nice. (panting, grunting with effort) (groans) How come we're doing all the lugging? You're also doing all the yapping. Tina: Nudes, ho! Starting tomorrow, we're gonna be flush with ass-cash. Whatcha doin', Pops? Hitting the streets for some hooch? No, he's off to Pistol McSwish's to see the new health inspector play his rock. I have to go. We want to keep this guy on our side. Tommy! I was just heading out to catch your set... Bob! You're never gonna believe it! That idiot who owns Pistol McSwish's told me I can't play there anymore! What? How come? 'Cause he don't know nothin' about good rock, that's how come. Aw. Wait... Hey, I could play here. Here? Uh, what? Yeah. Nah. Yeah, no. The acoustics in here are not... No. The acoustics in here are great. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sounds good in here. Oh, clapping. Clapping's fun. Echo. Echo. Stop. Stop. Echo. Echo. Gene, stop. Gene. Ah! Ah! Oh, it's done. I'm grabbing my amp. Maybe it won't be so bad. ♪ I'm a bad man with a master plan ♪ ♪ And the ladies call me Tex ♪ ♪ And the one thing all the ladies know is ♪ ♪ I'm good at having... ♪ (grunts rapidly) ♪ s*x, s*x, s*x, s*x, s*x, s*x, s*x ♪ ♪ I leave my shirt on, that's okay ♪ ♪ Don't make me feel self-conscious, babe ♪ ♪ s*x, s*x, s*x, s*x, s*x, when you're done, say that was fun ♪ ♪ We might've made a little son, I'm good at s*x ♪ ♪ You're bad at s*x, I'm good at s*x, you're bad at s*x ♪ ♪ I'm good at s*x, you're bad at s*x ♪ ♪ I'm good at s*x, you're bad at s*x, I'm good at s*x... ♪ (Tommy continues singing) Oh, my God. (quietly): Tommy's music is horrible. He's driving out all the customers. You told him he could play here all week? (quietly): I don't think I did. I did. But this is still way better than dealing with Hugo. You got to say something. What about that song, "Elderly Prostitute"? ♪ Da, da, da, da, da, elderly prostitute ♪ ♪ Da, da, da, boo, ba, elderly prostitute... ♪ All right, I'll say something. So, what'd you guys think? Did you like my rock? D'oh. Tommy, that, uh... rocked. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Linda, what'd you think? Ha! Did it speak to you as a lady? Now be honest. It screamed in my face as a lady. Oh, Mom loved it. Sell her a CD. Done. Yeah, listen, Tommy, can I talk to you about something I... Come on, let's go backstage. Let's go. What? Oh. Okay. (door bell jangles) Hmm! WhooMan. What people don't know about rock, it's a very physical... experience, you know? It's-it's very athletic. You're moving around a lot. Yeah, yeah. You noticed that. It's almost like you moved around too much. Yeah, I've gotten all kinds of comments, you know... "you move around a lot," "you seem to be having a hard time." Yeah, I can see that one, a little bit. "You're jumping around for no reason." Right. "You know, your eyes are bulging weird. It's off-putting," this and that... but that's what they said about Queen. Yeah. Did they? Uh, in rock in general. Hey, uh, Tommy, uh... you know, our place is sort of a family restaurant and... some of your songs are a little risqué. So I was thinking, maybe don't... Wait. Hold on a second. Before I forget, I got a little something here for you... it's your inspection file. There's nothing on here. That's right! Clean slate. You're welcome. Wow. Really? Yeah, come on, shut up. Well, thanks, Tommy. Oh, man. I still got all that mojo flowing through me. You know, I-I got to get it out. I'm gonna take this van to the beach and peel off some burnies. You want to come? Um... what's a... wh-what's a burny? (tires screeching, Tommy laughing) (laughing) Ah! Ah, I'm gonna throw up! I want to go home! What? This is fun! Oh, no more burnies! All right, people, line up! You'll see we have many noteworthy specimens on the beach today. Only a dollar to get a closer look at the action. Step right up! Look through this tube, see some boob. Give me the green, see some peen. Hey, this is gross. We came all this way to see old people? Ew! Nasty! You tricked us. I want my money back. Uh-oh. Whoa-whoa, wait, whoa-ho-ho, you guys, you're looking at this the wrong way. You want to see nice bodies?! Get a magazine! This is real, people! Check out that guy. What is that? Is that a liver spot? Is that a birthmark? Is that a third nipple? Who knows? You can't write this crap! Hold up, hold up, hold up. Let me see. I get it. Yeah, I guess, on second look, it's better. This, uh... first song goes pretty deep. It's called "Daddy." Uh... at least it's, uh, uh, a family song. ♪ Daddy! You abandoned me! ♪ ♪ Daddy! You sold drugs to me! ♪ ♪ Punches are not hugs to me! ♪ Eh. It's no "Elderly Prostitute." Bobby, you said you talked to him. Uh, I did, kinda. But then he wiped our record clean. ♪ Daddy! You're my enemy! ♪ (sobbing) ♪ You are my enemy! My enemy! ♪ Both: ♪ You are my enemy! My enemy! ♪ ♪ My enemy! ♪ No, don't. It's just me, just me, just me. ♪ My enemy! ♪ Oh, sorry. ♪ You, you, you! ♪ ♪ The ltsy-Bitsy Stripper climbed up the brassy pole ♪ ♪ Down came her legs and wrapped around my soul ♪ ♪ Weave your web of your sexy web ♪ ♪ Weave your sexy web around me ♪ ♪ Weave your web, weave your naughty web ♪ ♪ Around my body, my beautiful body ♪ ♪ My beautiful legs, my beautiful torso ♪ ♪ Weave that web around me... ♪ Gene: Hurdles on a beach? What are those silly little skin bags up to now? Wait a second. This can't be. Ow! Uh, guys, you might want to buy seats now, for tomorrow's event. Zeke: "Nudecathlon." That sounds like decathlon, but nude. They're naked and old and they're bringing home the gold! Go! You go talk to him! All right. Tommy, listen, there's something I need to talk to you about. I was thinking, maybe, um... you could take some time off from performing... uh, here. What? What, what are talking about, Bobby boy? It's just that, um... you know, you could be performing at... at way different places. Huh, it's almost like you're saying you don't want me to play here anymore. No. Not... No. You... took that the wrong way. Uh-huh. What I meant was... you're great. Right. Um, but just not maybe for, for here. I'll tell you what's funny, you know, that's what the manager over at Pistol McSwish's said, too. Did he? Yeah, kind of exactly. Oh. And it's a shame about that guy... you know, he got shut down by me. What are you doing? You know, I hate to say this, but, you know, you got rat turds on your floor, man, and, yeah, I-I gotta write that up, unfortunately. What? Tommy, that's crazy. You just carry around bags of rat turds in your pocket? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, look over... see, I see some more right over here, see? You didn't even empty that one! You're saying a rat just came in here and tossed a bag of its poop on my floor? Yeah, that's a thing that happens. And look, you know, it can all go away. Just let me do an encore, and then come back and play every night. No, Tommy! You're not gonna hold us hostage with your crappy music and your threats! Crappy?! So get out of my restaurant, Tommy! Okay! Of course, you know what this means: Until further notice, you are shut down, my man! Fine! Why don't you get out, my man?! Oh, gladly, my man! Oh, and guess what?! You do have bulging eyes! And it is off-putting! So, uh... h-how did, uh, how'd it go? Great. We're hungry, Bobby! Open up! I can't, Teddy. Tommy closed us down. If I serve you, I could go to jail. We're willing to take that chance! If Tommy doesn't let us open, we'll be broke by next week! We gotta fix this, Bobby! There's only one person who can help us now. Oh, God. Oh, don't be so nervous. It's natural. What's going on here, anyway? Naked field day! Fun! Ugh. Bubbila, bubbila. There he is. I can't believe I'm gonna grovel to a naked Hugo. Bob! Linda! You're just in time to see me excel at nude tetherball! Hugo, look, I've come to ask for your help. The guy who replaced you shut down the restaurant. Oh, Bob, that's a pity. But the health-inspecting world doesn't interest me anymore. Come on. This guy's nuts, Hugo. He, he planted rat poop. You wouldn't even do that. Listen to you, Bob! It's all about things with you! Restaurants! Rat feces! Underwear! Oh, God. Today is the Nudecathlon, so either you join me in nude brotherhood or kindly return to your clothed country. All right, all right. What, what if I did join you? The more the merrier. But what if I competed and beat you? (chuckles) Uh, you won't. But if I did, would you help us out then? Is this some kind of bet, Bob? Yeah. It's a bet. And what do, what do I get if I win? Well, what do you want? You have to cater the Nudecathlon closing ceremony for free. If this is what it takes, this is what it takes. Bob, you do realize what you're getting yourself into. A nudecathlon has 27 events, not including warm-up freeze tag. I quit. No, Bobby, come on! You can do it! (groans) Parlays, exactas, trifectas! We're taking all action, people! Louise, you're gonna want to see this. (wailing groan) (screams) We played with fire, and this is what we get... fire in our eyes! I think Dad looks pretty good, considering he's had three kids. Hey, Dad, stop stretching like that! Oh, my God! (blows whistle) Zeke here, calling the action for you on this sunny afternoon. There can only be one winner today, but many floppy wieners. And they're off! Doughboy's out to an early lead! (panting) Go, Bobby, go! ♪ History repeats itself, try, and you'll succeed... ♪ You've got a tough day ahead of you, Bob. ♪ And you can have your dream ♪ ♪ You're the best around Ooh! ♪ Like sand through his hourglass! ♪ You're the best around ♪ ♪ Nothing's ever gonna keep you down ♪ ♪ You're the best around... ♪ Point: Hugo. ♪ Nothing's ever gonna keep you down... ♪ Big fatty wins the tug! Bad luck, little fatty! Three legs, four thighs and two ding-dongs. Now that's one nasty bucket of chicken! (blows whistle) ♪ Try your best to win them all ♪ ♪ And one day, time will tell ♪ ♪ When you're the best that's standing there ♪ ♪ You'll reach the final bell ♪ ♪ I'm the best around ♪ ♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep me down ♪ ♪ I'm the best around... ♪ How are we holding up, Bob? Fine! Just great! Well, I must say you've proven yourself a worthy naked adversary. But this last event is for all the marbles. Don't say marbles. Line up for Greco-Roman wrestling! Go, Bobby! You're my big naked knight! I'm dying. Gentlemen, enter the ring. May the best nude win. May the best nude win. (blows whistle) (both grunting) Ah, not there. There you go. (grunts) Take this one. Let go! Sweep the leg, Dad! Sweep the leg! Treat him like a naked piñata, Dad! Break him open for some candy! Okay, Bob, time to do this! Not today, Bob! Oh! The little guy flips the fay little a patty! We've got a pin! No! Yes! I win! You took Linda from me, you were the scourge of my professional life, but this time, I win! (laughing wildly) You can get off me now, Hugo! Never! (laughing): I win! Let's go home, Lin. All right. I win, win, win! Wow. That was rough. Naked and defeated. Just the way he entered this world. Bobby, you put your pants on backwards, honey. Doesn't matter. None of it matters. We lost the restaurant, Lin. Tina, let's put our pants on backwards, too. Let's do it for Dad! I'm wearing a skirt, but okay. (door bell jangles) Hugo? What are you doing here? And why are you wearing clothes? Or is that just body paint? Today, at the beach, you tasted my sweet victory, but I realized something: It wasn't enough. What does that mean? I want to shut you down... I do... not some dirty doody-dropper... me. Until then, you're open for business. Ron? You got it, buddy. All right! Well, thanks, Hugo. All right, everyone! Load in! What's going on here? The closing ceremony, Bob. Remember? You have to cater it. Disrobe at will! Don't bother with courtesy tissues on the seats. Gettin' nude for food! I love it! Hold the buns. Am I right?! Well, better clean up the gum under the tables. I'll get to it. Tina, no. I hate you, Hugo. (cackles) Wait... what about Tommy Jaronda? How we doin', Jimmy Pesto's?