The Longest Distance Relationship

Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! Well, thank God that crazy mix-up is over. We've got Steve back, and you've got your boy-shaped ruby. Well, I guess this is good-bye, Smiths. But, seriously, if you're ever in Tehran stay out of Tehran! Now that that's all done, I'll get breakfast started. I don't know why I even bother to set a place for Hayley. She's been so depressed, she hasn't left her room in weeks. Guess what happened one year ago today? Is that the day I gave myself one year to find happiness, or I'd kill us all? No, that was yesterday. It was? Ho-ho-ho, lucky. You were first! No! Today's the one-year anniversary of when I almost left Earth, but decided to stay! You mean, the one-year anniversary of you pushing Jeff into that alien ship and him being sucked into space. That's why Hayley's been so sad. She must be missing Jeff. Then she should come look at this, 'cause he's right here! Francine, I maxed out your credit card to hire Buddy Valastro from Cake Boss to make this. And, Stan, I maxed out your credit card to hire Buddy to make this cake of me ordering the first cake. I saw Roger ordering the cake, and trust me, that is dead on. Honey, I brought you breakfast. Also, we haven't done an are-you-alive check today. I'm not hungry. Put them with the rest. Honey, I know it's been a year since Jeff was abducted, and that's hitting you pretty hard. But don't you think it's time you got out of this room and started living your life again? I'll never forget Jeff! Oh, you made a big one! Thanks for using the newspaper this time. Covered the whole comics section. Bet that's not the first time Cathy's had that done on her face. This is it, Snot. Today, we meet the girl who's gonna take our virginities. And we're gonna find that girl with this! What is it? It's my dad's old CB radio! Breaker, breaker. This is two 14-year-old boys looking for two special gals. Oh, ten-four! I'd treat you boys real nice. I'm not a woman exactly, but I can get my hands on the parts you guys are after. It's all lonely, male truckers. Are you boys still there? Yeah, we're here! Be cool. Are you hot?! Well, if you're talking about looks, yes. If you're talking about gambling on college basketball, I am ice cold. Stupid DePaul, can't hit a free throw. You boys want to meet up? I'll be at find me quite limber. Ma'am? Ma'am, are you there?! Oh, she's gone! We need to get her signal back! You boys want to see a 400-pound man rise out of his overalls like a phoenix? Oh, this can't end well. Says here they taught an ape how to read. I'm assuming, based on the photo next to all these words. Stan, I'm worried about Hayley, all cooped up in her room. Maybe we should get a therapist to help coax her out. A therapist? Sounds expensive. What if I told you I could smoke her out of her room for a fraction of the cost? Stan, what were you thinking?! Well, first I thought I'd smoke her out with a controlled fire. Then I lit the fire. Then I thought, I don't know how to control fire. Hayley, when they told you to feel the burn, I think they were talking about exercise! I shouldn't joke about this. I did this. We'll see you tomorrow, honey. Why don't you get a real job, loser! Yeah, you're just a dumb janitor. We're doctors. Doctors rule! Go doctors! Hey, Janitor, you should get that checked out by a doctor. Hey, I'm a doctor! It's bad news. You're a loser! Doctors rule! Hey, just because he's a janitor doesn't mean you can kick him in the nards. Leave him alone! Forget this. Let's go hit on some cancer chicks. Wow. That was really sweet of you to stand up for me. I'm Millionaire Matt Davis. Millionaire Matt Davis? Is that your real name? Yeah, my mom had high hopes for me. And I exceeded them by 380 million. Hayley. It's nice to meet you. But wait. If you're a multimillionaire, why are you working as a janitor? Well, when I'm not running my many charitable organizations, I use my fortune to live life to the fullest. Wow. Yeah, every day, I tackle a new, amazing experience. I mean, you know, being a janitor is a bad example, but Monday, I flew a jet. Tuesday, I rocked-climbed in Thailand. And Wednesday, I worked at GameStop. Gosh, it all sounds so exciting! Well, maybe one day, I can take you along on one of my adventures. You ever have to kill sick dogs for the city? Maybe not that one. No, not that one. But we'll think of something. Oops. Hey, look at me! Wow. That was most amazing trip home from the hospital ever. Mom, Dad, this is Millionaire Matt Davis. We met in the burn ward. A millionaire?! Okay, okay, okay, what is premium gasoline like? Does it smell as good as I think it does? What's that? Hayley told me about the fire! I wouldn't be a good guest if I didn't bring something for my hosts. Oh, my gosh, thank you so much! Did someone just drop a house on me?! Sure, my life is adventurous, but if you don't have someone to share it with, what's the point? Aw You're so rich! Well, sorry to cut this short, but I gotta get going. Today I'm going to be a pro golfer. Worst on tour. That shirt costs more than this house, doesn't it? Please let the answer be yes. And I'll see you tomorrow. Scuba-brunch! Wow. Oh, he makes me feel so alive! You know, I didn't think I could ever imagine a life without Jeff, but maybe I'm finally ready to try. Oh, Hayley, that's wonderful! Damn. I forgot to ask him if he knows Scrooge McDuck. Hayley, come quick! Snot and I were playing with Dad's old CB radio, for reasons you don't need to know, and I came across a signal from really far away. Um, h-hello? Hey, babe! It's me! I'm alive! Jeff?! Oh, my God, is-is that really you? Jeffinitely! Get it? It's like "definitely," but with my name! It is you! Hey, I was out test-driving some Saturns. You know, narrowing it down. Whoa, did we get a new house? And then Sinbad sacrificed himself so I could escape the alien space station, and me and his ghost have been traveling the stars looking for a way home ever since. You guys, Jeff is still alive in space and almost home! Actually, babe, we have no idea where we are. Yo, Jeff, ask her what she's wearing. No, ask her if she's seen Houseguest. Hayley, Sinbad wants to know Hayley? I'm losing my signal. But wait by the CB and I'll catch you later. I think we can totally make this long-distance thing work No! Hayley's supposed to move on with Millionaire Matt Davis! Dad, no! Damn it! Everything in Steve's room is made of Nerf! It'll be like I'm looking in her eyes when we talk. I also waterproofed it for phone sex so I can cry as much as I want! Look, Jeff, I'm glad you reconnected with your hippie wife, but you're getting her hopes up, man. And we may never make it home. Oh, we'll get home, Sinbad. And until we do, Hayley and I are strong enough to survive a long-distance relationship. You'll see. I believe you, Jeff Fischer. You my man. Plus, it'll be cool for me to know the first guy ever to make a long-distance relationship work. Actually, babe, it's not too bad up here in space, especially with the world's funniest co-pilot. Oh, listen to what Sinbad said yesterday: "Judo isn't an Olympic sport it's what you make matzo balls with!" Oh, Jeff. I wish I were up there with you. Oh, you don't want to be up here, babe. Sinbad's a blanket hog. You love it. You know the tall guy and the Asian chick from Rite Aid? Yeah. I saw them at Pizza Hut together. Like on a date? Yeah, it looked like it. Wow. Good for her. I know, right? Here comes Millionaire Matt Davis. Poor schmuck, doesn't realize Hayley's still stuck on Jeff. Ugh, Hayley's blowing it. All that money. Matt would have been the perfect son-in-law. Maybe he still can be Hi, Matt! Hey, Mr. Smith. Um, sorry, I I just want to make sure Hayley's okay. She, um, hasn't been returning my calls. Yeah, yeah, Hayley's fine. But have you met my younger, also-single daughter, Ramona? Hi. I'm Regina. Uh, I-I really just want to see Hayley. Forget Hayley! Can she do this? Oh I don't know. Or what about this? Hot! Probably not. Well, can Hayley do this? What about this? Think she can do this? Ha-duken! Or this? No way Hayley can do this. Look, it was nice to meet you, Ramona, but Hayley's the only girl for me. How about next time you bring your "A" game? Stan! Reversing this is a two-man job, Stan! Hey, no, stop! You're getting my insides dirty! Stan! Jeff? Jeff, are you there? Oh, Hayley, look at you, you're right back where you started, trapped in your room. Yeah, but-but Jeff might come back one day. Look, honey, Jeff is gone. And nobody knows where he is, not even him. Plus, he said he hated you right before he left. No, he didn't. Okay, he didn't. But I just don't want to see you waste your life waiting for a guy who's never coming home. Exit on the joke, Francine. Exit on the joke. Hey, babe! Hey, Jeff. So what'd you do today? Sat here waiting. Yeah, I didn't do much either. Hey, Jeff, are, um, are you guys any closer to figuring out a way home? Nope, not at all! But I did figure out a way to make Sinbad laugh! That wasn't even real, girl! That was his hands! Matt, what the hell?! Sorry I'm late. Today I was a rodeo cowboy. And tonight I'm a chef! But first, let's thank this noble animal for its sacrifice. Shine on, bull. Shine on. I was starting to worry you didn't want to see me. So, when you called, it was a big relief. Hup! Whup! Ho! Of course I wanted to see you. It's just So sorry to interrupt, but you have something behind your ear. What are these? Plane tickets. I planned an entire year of adventure for us all over the world if you're interested. I'd love to go, Matt. There's just one thing I have to do before I can. Oh, my God, Matt! I got this. Ah! My pre-owned Saturn! I just got this thing! Jeff? Jeff, are-are you there? We need to talk. Hayley! Oh, I'm glad you're there! Yeah, um, look, Jeff, let's be honest, you may never make it back, so I have to face reality. Babe, that's just it! We did find a way home! You-you found a way home? Yeah, our ship found a wormhole that will take us straight to Earth! So we can finally get back to living our lives together? Yeah, babe, I'll be home soon! Promise you'll wait for me? Hayley, are you there? Yes, I-I'm here! I promise, Jeff, I will wait for you. All right, Sinbad, we're finally going home. Whoa, look at that! Wow The wormhole, it's so beautiful. Like staring into the face of God! It's unbelievable! We are infinite! Hayley, it's me! Hayley! Hayley? Jeff! I knew you'd come. Oh! It's been 60 years, but you're finally home! That would explain the floating cars. I can't believe this. How did we end up When we went through the wormhole, we must have traveled through both space and time. There's a Magic Tree House book that explains all of this. I waited for you like I promised. I guess I just thought that when you got here, we'd be the same age. Oh, that doesn't matter, babe. You're as beautiful now as the day I met you. You mean it? You know I do. Yeah, that's real touching, but in the future, do you folks still have food and do you offer it to your guests? My family's gonna be so excited to see you! And I can't wait to see everyone! I also can't wait to find out why everything in the future hovers. I made my famous Jell-O mold. Gah! Mrs. S. ? You look so Great, right? She's had a little work done, but you can't really tell. People often mistake us for sisters. Ooh! Cool, you two are still best friends? Actually, we're a couple now. We made a pact that we'd marry each other if we were still single by the time we turned 21. In retrospect, we probably should have set the age a little higher. We take turns being the girl. No, no, we don't. Good for you guys. Hey! You made it back! Roger, you son of a bitch! You sent me into space! I know. I owe you a fairly substantial apology, Jeff. But I'm a changed man. I've been involved with a lot of shenanigans over the years, but the greatest adventure of my life has been being a dad to these two amazing black sons, who I adopted after their mother, the love of my life, died in a car accident. We know he backed over our mom, but he's been a real good driver since then. Okay, you're embarrassing me now. Dad, good to see you. Still committing to the ape body, I see. The ape uprising is coming, Hayley, and I'll be ready when it does. Mr. S., is that really you?! Oh, I've missed you! You! Hayley was supposed to marry Millionaire Matt Davis, and instead, she wasted her entire life waiting for you! Dad, stop! Leave him alone! Hayley, who's Matt Davis? You were gonna marry someone else? Jeff, you don't understand! You were gone! I-I didn't think you were ever gonna come back! She's having a heart attack! Give her space! Give her space so she can die! Hayley, I'm so sorry this happened. How's she doing? She's comfortable. Wait-- you're Millionaire Matt Davis? Yup. And I loved her. Till one day she told me we were through. Ever since then I've just been mopping up vomit and guts at this hospital, just trying to relive the best day of my life-- the day I met Hayley. Looks like I ruined everyone's lives. I'm sorry I made you waste yours waiting for me. Good-bye, babe forever. Suck metal, Davis! Robot doctors rule! Come on, Sinbad, we don't belong here. Get back here! You wasted my daughter's life and now you're running away?! Fischer! Yes! I knew it! The ape revolution is starting! Wait for me, brother apes! Greetings, brother apes! I stand with you. Man, that was fun. So where we going now? Back through the wormhole. But if we do that, we're gonna be stranded in deep space again. I know. Let me see if we're back. Hayley? Hayley, are you there?! Yes, I'm here. I promise, Jeff! I will wait for you. No, no, no, don't wait for me! Listen, babe, I thought we found a way home, but I was wrong. And it's not fair to ask you to wait for me. Jeff, what-what are you saying? Move on, babe. I release you. I'll never forget you, Jeff Fischer. You gotta hide me! I just married a black chick with two kids and then I killed her! Okay, Hayley, the jet is parked out front. You ready to go to Fiji? No witnesses! I guess today I get to try out being an angel. Well, looks like we both lost a life partner today. You know what'll make us feel better? A trip to Fiji. A mourncation. Honeymourn?