West to Mexico

1 - [Wind whistling] - [Pulley creaking] [Hoofbeats] The Bullock gang. Pa! No! There's a little kid, Bullock. He's silently vowing to one day hunt us down, kill us like animals, and he just knows he's going to catch me in an outhouse. I'll beg for my life, give up the whole gang immediately, but then he kills me anyway. Damn it! Well, I won't give you the satisfaction. Thanks, boss. I was almost a goner. Yah! [Laughter] [Laughing] [Coughing] He thinks he hurts everywhere, but it's only a broken finger. What do you want, gringo? The honest answer? A friend to share this lonely trail with. The cowboy answer? - - [Gruffly] The bounty on this guy's head. [Coughing] And that coffin you're dragging, it is for him or for you? [Laughter] [Chuckles] Nice. Oh, here's a joke. Why can't you starve in the desert? Because of the sand that is there. You know, it takes guts to tell a joke to a group of strangers, especially since I'm not naturally funny. Oh, you're naturally funny looking. [Laughter] You can't starve in the desert because of the sand-which-is-there. Oh, sandwiches? You said, "Sand that is. " [Groans] I blew the punch line. That was what it was. Still, the setup was rock solid. I'm getting better. I'm getting funnier. My parents and brother died of cholera. I gave it to them. Sometimes, I feel like I'm bad luck. Luckier 'n them. Well, I guess I'll see what kind of luck I bring to my uncle's farm. What brings you west, stranger? West? I thought we were going to Arizona. We are. That is west. Okay. Okay. Good. Good, good, good. My sense of direction is not great. Looks like you've been in Mexico. Maybe. I couldn't understand the people, so I never got a good answer. - How long were you there? - Nearly five years. That's a long time to not understand people. Not for me. - - [Coughing] Aah! [Sighs] Oh, that's nice. Stretch the legs. Get some blood to the brain. Scratch up the old face. Oh, a mud bath. Ah, this town has it all. Wish me luck on the farm! [Mockingly] Good luck on the farm. Hey, boy. Where's your person? You need water. [Lively piano music playing] Dick: Ever heard of dance lessons? [Laughs] Oh! Damn it! They mussed up my hair again. [Laughter] "Aw, my hairdo ain't purdy. " [Laughter] Sorry about the rowdy customers, but what can I do? Just keep helping me up, I guess. - Who was that? - That's Francine. You just forget about her. [Sighs] [Mid-tempo piano music playing] Are you okay, ma'am? Oh, I can handle them pushing me, groping me, hot sauce in my eyes, even tar down my bloomers. But when they start in on mussing up my hair This pie-eater buggin' you, doll? - I was just checking - Oh, like a checkup. Did this jerkwater town finally get a doctor? Because I've been wanting to see a doctor about my hand. What's wrong with your hand? It hurts when I do this! Aah! Well, maybe don't do that. Then there's my foot. Smart move, Doc. Anyone else want to see the doctor? [Grunts] My foot hurts, too. Maestro, how about some kickin' music? [Piano playing, blows landing, Stan grunting] [Sighs] My pecker's been burning. Well, beat him with it! [Screaming] Here we are! They're all dead! [Sobbing] I told you it weren't much. Bullock's gang is just terrorizing this town. This guy kind of started it, though, right? He kept calling himself "The Doctor. " Klaus, cut it out. - He was trying to help. - Well, damn it! This town needs someone to give it hope, and I can't do it all. You haven't done anything. Lewis, this guy needs stitches. - My God in Heaven. - I know. They beat on him for 40 minutes, and they wanted fighting music the whole time. Guess we both kind of got worked over. This is Stan Smith. He helped save my life. Wait. You mean he's a hero? Not exactly, but he's a good guy. I mean yeah. He He's a good guy. [Gasps] A good guy hero. I think you're kind of just hearing what you want right now. We're saved! How did Stan save your life? It was three years into the Civil War when the Union Army came through Missouri. I was a slave then. Ooh, bummer. Yeah, it was a "bummer. " You obviously get it, so I won't bore you with the details, but they freed me, and I wanted to help. Stan and I dug trenches together. Anyhow, when the North moved on, some of the generals ordered the freed slaves returned to the plantations. So you got to go home! No, because you didn't like it there. No, I didn't like it there. Anyway, Stan shot the general, and we all ran. He killed a general to protect you? Yeah, and I told him to come find me in Arizona. Wait Gay? I'm looking for a man. Is this a gay town? Stage driver out of Tombstone says he saw a man looked like this. - [Both gasp] - Nope. Say, Mister, want a tour of the town? I'll show you all the spots where our sheriffs were murdered. Well, I was gonna get my whiskers cleaned up, but I think that's a closer shave than I'm looking for. [Sobbing] Why? Why would anybody kill them? I'm sure I don't have any idea. [Sobbing] Why? [Grunts] Everybody's mussin' up my hair. - Hey, are you all right? - No, obviously. Whoa, obviously, no. I just want to forget everything. Oh, oh, oh, then I can help! - Do you have money? - I have a little. Great! That's great. What's great? I-I have money. So what? You do? That's great! Aah! Stan, it's me, Brian. Brian, I-I found you. Yes, you did, my friend. Reunited at last. We could buy a pig farm and grow old together. Stan, there's a bounty hunter in town looking for you. Later. Good luck with that pig farm. [Groans] Stan, you're too hurt to travel, but luckily you don't look like your wanted poster all beat up. Mr. Lewis, I need you to do my hair. Something un-mussable. Okay. Let me just clean my station and remember some boring stories about my son, hmm? Are you still freaking out? Yeah, but terrifyingly slowly. Oh, nice. I just don't get it. It wasn't even a working farm. No crops. No livestock. Of course, it did have a well, but who needs water in the middle of nowhere? I guess trains do for steam, but the new railroad won't be going right by their farm for at least six months. I know that because I read the announcement. When was that? Oh, right. It was the day before my family was murdered. Ohh, I wish I could put two thoughts together. But you can't because you're too high on celestial poisons! Did you say it was your family that was murdered? Yeah. I'm the only one left. Sole heir to Steam Juice Farm? I must protect you. I insist on it. [Strained] I'm kind of with her. Please, my dear. You must allow me and my gang of cruel men to escort you to the farm so we can bury your whole family properly. Did you hear that, Jeff? My luck is finally changing. - [Thud, clatter] - Jeff? Oh, my God. Was he smoking the same opium as I? [Strained] That's so scary. [Mid-tempo piano music playing] Whiskey? I guess I could have one for the road. You lightin' out, stranger? Make it two whiskeys, and put them on my tab. - Where you headed? - Thought I'd get away to Mexico. - Habla EspaÃ±ol? - Maybe. There or Mexico City. Tell Lewis it looks like trouble. Francine worked up a new number. You'll be glad you stayed. So, you're a bounty hunter? It's a friendless job, but I'm the best there is. Not totally alone, though. I got my cough. [Coughing] - Allergies. - Oh, she's on! ["Dessert" playing on piano] They can't imitate you But they can't duplicate you 'Cause you got somethin' special That makes me wanna taste you I want it all day long I'm addicted like it's wrong I want it all day long I'm addicted like it's Whatcha gon', whatcha' gon do with that dessert? Do-wha do-wha-dee da dee-da-doop-da - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! - Do-wha do-wha-dee da dee-da-doop-da - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! - Do-wha do-wha-dee da dee-da-doop-da Murder that, murder that dance floor, dance floor [Cheers and applause] - Hot stuff! - [Wolf-whistles] [Coughs] Bartender, a round for everyone! I'm coming into some money. Right away! [Gunshot] Oh, bro! Look at my damn mirror! Where'd he go? How'd you get over there? I'm fast. See my hands? - Yeah. - Now look at them. - Who-o-o-o-a. - Whoa-a-a-a-a-a-a! I'm arresting you on the charges of desertion and murder. But they'll hang him. Stan's a good man. He shot his general in the back. [All gasp] - Whoa! - [Coughs] Let's go. Did somebody take my Little Bo Peep dress? [Grunts] All right, Skippy. Let's ride. [Clicks tongue] What the fudge? No little horse kisses for the murderer. So much for our hero. Do you think we were expecting too much from someone who came to town and was immediately beaten beyond recognition by a 70-year-old man? Maybe Stan came to show us we don't need a hero. - How's that? - He's like us. Alone, he's not much, but if we work together, we can protect each other. Us? We're too slow. Slow? You're lightning on the piano. You're magic with scissors. You never spill a drop. I'm good with my hands in a way I'm not going to describe. We have the skills, but we never had the stomach. - I'm in. - Me, too. So am I. Now, let's go get Stan back from that bounty hunter! Unhand our cowardly friend! Oh, they left. Whoo-whoo. Whatcha gonna do with that dessert? [Both laugh] Can it, Tom! Thanks, Henry. [Coughing] Stan: So what's, uh w-what's in the coffin? Everyone and anyone. Hmm. Actually, you lost me there. I-I, uh I know. It's stupid, right? Uh, for a while, I thought it sounded badass, but it's just confusing. I always wanted to be a man of action, but I'm slow on the draw and weak on the punch. Then what happened in Missouri? You wouldn't believe me if I told you. - Tell me, or I'll kill you. - It's 1863, and "Camptown Races" is at the top of the charts. Sir, at the risk of repeating myself, I really, really, really, really, really, really, really don't think we should return the slaves to the South. Enough! How can you think about that when dead soldiers' teeth are turning to smoke? - I'm sorry, sir? - The teeth! Wafting like fizzled candle smoke from every gaping mouth on the battlefield! Oh, you've gone crazy. Maybe I'll leave the tent. Crazy? More like invincible! [Gunshot] Nothing can stop me now. [Grunting] Nobody would ever believe that. Yeah. So I ran, and I kept running west to Mexico. Mexico is south. I must've gone a weird way. Well, I guess it all worked out for you. And if you weren't about to be hanged, I'd be pretty dang jealous. I mean, you were in town for a day and made more friends than I ever had in my life. Zero. Goose egg. I try to stay positive, but it really sucks balls. Friends aren't everything. Where are they now? - Hmm? - They're following us. Lewis: It's him, all right. We'll catch him at the Taft Farm. Roger: Maybe I'm just a little too real for some people. And now, a cliff. Of course. Making a lady dig her own grave while she's coming down off opium. Hey, that's the girl from the coach. We got to get down there. Oh, you know everybody. You ride down there, they'll kill you. Same as riding with you, I reckon. Well, I'm not going with you. [Donkey neighs] Oh, what the hell. [Horse neighs] Aah! Hey, somebody's coming. You come for another checkup, Doc? [Laughter] How about letting her go, guys? Call it doctor's orders. And what if I don't? Then Doc's going to call for the nurse. I'd rather the doctor gave me my shot. Give him your gun nice and slow. Hooper: Oh, Doc caught a chill. He's shaking like a leaf! [Laughter] Come on, hero. Free shot. Come on, Stan. Just slap the hammer four times like you're patting Skippy. [All grunt] [Grunts] [Grunts] Here comes the cavalry! [Horse neighs] [Gunshots continue] You saved me. I did all that amazing shooting by myself, and then you saved me. That's how it happened. [Coughs] Stan, every time I go after a bounty, I bring him in. Will you help me keep my perfect record? Of course. I'll take my chances with that trial in Tucson. - Are you crazy? - Don't do it, mister. I can't run again. It's too lonely. - Bring my coffin. - Get that coffin over here! Open it. - I'm you. - [All gasp] He's holding a little him. Hand over my body to the Marshall in Tucson. Get the reward money and take these folks east. - What? - I mean, maybe send your kids' kids out west, o-or their grandkids. In 100 years, when there's a million jerks riding around Manhattan drunk in limos, the West will seem like a paradise. He's gone. And promise me you'll follow your dream and go to medical school. Well, that's actually a misunders Promise me! You got it, friend. Friend? Really? Maybe I can beat this thing. Nope. [Sighs] East. That's an awful long ride - I'm going. - Me, too. Someone's got to pour drinks. I'll go to the north east. It's just sandwiches here. [Clicks tongue] Let's ride, Skip. Come on, boy. [Horse snorts] Oh, of course. Stan: Wait. Don't we want to go the other way? - Yeah. Yeah. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. - Oh, we sure do. Stan: Looks like I'm finally getting my bearings. Or maybe head a little to the right? - -