Runaway Angelica

(We see Angelica in Drew's Office, humming happily while making paper dolls with heart holes. We see graffiti all over the walls and cabinets. Office documents are all over the floor, photocopiers and fax machines are being stuffed with many papers. Drew then enters and stops short when he sees the mess.)

Drew: ANGELICA!!

Angelica: (gasps) Oh! Hello, daddy.

Drew: Angelica! What did Daddy tell you about playing in his study?

Angelica: (innocently) Mmm...

Drew: (pointing his finger at her) Didn't Daddy tell you not to play in here?! Didn't Daddy specifically explain to you about a hundred times how important his papers are??!!

Angelica: (sweetly) Yes, daddy. I'm so sorry. I'll never do it again. I promise!

Drew: Angelica, it's not going to work this time!

Angelica: (sighing) Ok...I'm really, really sorry, daddy, dear. I promise, I'll never, ever...

Drew: (not listening and he is furious) You're not being sincere, young lady!

Angelica: Huh?

Drew: This time, you're in deep trouble!

Angelica: Daddy, you're silly. I can't be in trouble—I'm Angelica, your only daughter, your princess, your cupcake, your little tax shelter. (Drew thinks to himself for a moment, but he's ready to put the foot down)

(Cut to Angelica's Room - Drew got his nerves up to punish Angelica and he is opening the door and putting Angelica in the room)

Drew: And you're going to stay in your room!

Angelica: But, daddy-

Drew: (Cutting her off) You're going to stay in your room and think about what you did!! (He slams the door leaving Angelica hurt. Drew then goes down the stairs, smiling) Well, I finally did it. I actually did it. I disciplined Angelica.

Charlotte: I hope you weren't too hard on her.

Drew: Oh, no. Our daughter's a fairly mature girl. I think she'll take it well.

(Breaking glass is heard. A furious Angelica is making a mess of her room.)

Angelica: (Whacking a Saturn-shaped toy) It's not fair! (Yanking on window curtains, causing them to soon fall off) It's not fair! It's! Not! Fair!!!! (She gasps for air.) Wait a minute. I know! I'll run away. Yeah, that's it. Then they'll be sorry they punished me.

(Angelica sneaks out of her room, stopping when she sees Drew.)

Drew: (while carrying strips of paper) Charlotte, something's wrong with the fax machine.

Charlotte: Use the one in the bedroom. (into her phone) If it were my decision, you know what I would say. I'm always right, you know these things. Listen, I am telling you the junk bond market is coming back and I, for one, intend to be in a position to take advantage of it.

(Angelica makes it outside. She is carrying Cynthia as well as a small collection of other toys. She deactivates the alarm to a red toy electric convertible and puts her things inside before climbing in herself. She buckles Cynthia in and drives off down the sidewalk.)

Angelica: Ahh, the open road! We made it, Cynthia. Sweet freedom!

(Indistinct radio chatter. Angelica looks to her left and sees a police car driving down the street.)

Angelica: Uh-oh. The cops. (to Cynthia) Act natural.

(She looks at the police officer in the car's passenger seat and they exchange smiles. The police officer eats a doughnut. The police car pulls away.)

Angelica: Phew! That was close.

(A basketball bounces in front of Angelica's car. She gasps and hits the brakes, stopping inches in front of it. A boy wearing a baseball cap steps out to retrieve the ball and then talks to Angelica.)

Boy: Hey, kid. Whatcha doin'?

Angelica: I'm running away from home.

Boy: Oh. Hey, what di--

Angelica: Don't touch the car!

Boy: Sorry. You know, I ran away once. Why don't you go to the park? That's where most of the kids go when they run away.

Angelica: Well, I would, only I'm not allowed to cross the street.

(She drives off suddenly, causing the boy to drop his basketball. She continues to drive down the sidewalk.)

Angelica: I wonder what Tommy and his little baby friends are doing.

(She drives to the Pickles' residence and parks her car in the side lawn.)

Angelica: I'm hungry. Come on, Cynthia—let's get some chow.

(She grabs Cynthia and leaves the car. She [poorly] conceals it behind some large leaves.)

Angelica: It's really gettin' late. I musta been runned away for twenty minutes by now. I bet mommy and daddy are real worried! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

(Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are lying in the grass looking up at the sky.)

Chuckie: What do you guys wanna do?

Tommy: I don't know. Wanna play Reptar?

Phil & Lil: Okay.

Phil: I'm Reptar!

Lil: No, I'm Reptar!

Phil: You always get to be Reptar, Lillian!

Lil: Nuh-uh. You were Reptar last time, Phillip!

Tommy: One of you can be Reptar and one of you can be Baby Reptar!

Phil & Lil: Okay.

Phil: I'm Reptar.

Lil: No, I'm Reptar!

Phil: You're Baby Reptar!

Lil: No, you're Baby Reptar!

(Tommy watches them with an annoyed expression. Suddenly, he hears a sharp whisper. "Psst!" He gasps and looks toward the source of the sound.)

Tommy: What was that?

(A bush visibly rustles)

Lil: It's something in the bushes.

Phil: Might be a monster.

Chuckie: (hushed) I'm scared, Tommy!

Tommy: Well, somebody better go in there and see...

(The bush continues to rustle. Lil pushes Phil toward it)

Lil: Go see what it is.

Phil: You go—you're Reptar.

Lil: No, you're Reptar, Phillip!

Phil: No, you are, Lillian!

Tommy: (interjecting) Come on! We'll all go!

Chuckie: It better not be a monster, Tommy!

Tommy: (calling out to the bush) Uh, hello. Is somebody in there?

(Angelica leaps out of the bushes wearing an evil grin. Chuckie screams.)

Chuckie: It's worse than a monster; it's Angelica!

Angelica: You babies are so dumb! There's no such thing as monsters!

Tommy: What are you doing here, Angelica?

Phil: Yeah, and how come you're hiding in a bush?

Angelica: Shh! Not so loud! I'm running away from home.

Tommy: Running away from home? Won't your mommy and daddy be worried about you?

Angelica: 'course they'll be worried about me! That's the whole reason I ran away! Now they'll learn to 'preciate me and they'll never, ever punish me again.

Phil & Lil: Wow.

Tommy: If you ran away, does that mean you're gonna live here forever?

Angelica: Maybe. And then you babies better not let any grown-ups see me or I'll do something really, really bad to you! I'll do something so bad... so bad... so bad I don't even know what it is yet!

Tommy: Uh, okay, Angelica. We won't.

Chuckie: Yeah, we promise.

Angelica: Good. Now, go in the kitchen and get me some cookies.

Tommy: But, Angelica--

Angelica: Just do it!

Tommy: Okay.

(The babies are in the kitchen. They find the cookie jar, but it's perched on a high shelf well out of their reach. Chuckie and Tommy fruitlessly grab for it from the floor)

Chuckie: Forget it, Tommy. It's too high.

Tommy: (dejectedly) You're right, Chuckie. I guess we can't bring Angelica any cookies.

(Phil & Lil have found a box of dog biscuits near Spike's food dish)

Phil: Wait, Tommy! Look!

(The babies go outside with their arms full of dog biscuits. Angelica is hiding behind the bush again. As she notices them coming, she rubs her hands together and licks her lips.)

Angelica: All right. Where are they?

Tommy: (offering her the biscuits) Here, Angelica.

Angelica: (she devours them almost instantly. Tommy and Chuckie exchange incredulous looks) More!

(Phil & Lil give her their biscuits. They're eaten in a flash. Chuckie just drops his on the ground, and once again all but two are gone almost immediately)

Angelica: (with her mouth full) Say, Tommy, these cookies are pretty good! Your mommy make these?

Tommy: No. They're from a box.

Angelica: (finishing off the biscuits) A box, huh? What kinda box, Tommy?

Tommy: Oh, you know—that box with a picture of a doggie on it.

Angelica: (with growing disgust) The one by Spike's bowl?

Tommy: Uh-huh!

Angelica: (spitting out crumbs of biscuits) You dumb babies!!

Tommy: What's wrong, Angelica?

Angelica: These aren't cookies! They're dog biscuits! What do you think I am—a dog?!

Tommy: Mm, Spike likes 'em!

Angelica: A'course Spike likes 'em—Spike's a DOG!

Lil: Well, I like 'em too!

Phil: Yeah, we eat 'em all the time.

Angelica: Whadda you know? You're babies! Now get back in there and get me some real cookies!

(the babies march off dejectedly)

Angelica: And get me some 'tato chips, too! And some fried pork rinds! (going back to the bush) Stupid babies... (she spits out more crumbs)

(Back at Angelica's house, Drew is going out the door)

Drew: Snookums, I'm going over to Stu's for a few minutes!

Charlotte (OS): Okay! Is Angelica still upstairs?

Drew: Uh-huh. I haven't heard a peep out of her.

Charlotte: I'll go up and check on her. And Drew?

Drew: Yeah?

Charlotte: Don't call me 'snookums'.

Drew: Noted.

(He leaves. Charlotte, wearing an exfoliating mask and her eyes latched to a magazine, goes upstairs to Angelica's room. She touches the door knob)

Charlotte: (softly) Angelica? (her cell phone rings and she answers it) Hello? (gibberish from the phone) What?! What do you mean the Albanian deal fell through?!

(Back at the Pickles' house, exterior. The babies are watching something with mingled awe and disgust. Loud munching noises are heard as the shot pans over their faces. Angelica is then revealed to be devouring boxes, bags and jars of snack foods)

Lil: Angelica?

Angelica: What?!

Lil: Can I have a 'tato chip?

Angelica: No!

Lil: Not even one?

Angelica: Get your own! If you're so hungry, why don't you eat some of those dog biscuits you like so much?!

Phil: You ate 'em all!

(Spike, in his dog house. His muzzle is buried in the empty biscuit box. He flails around until it falls off, then he sadly lays down. It begins to rain.)

Tommy: Hey, you guys, it's starting to rain.

Chuckie: We better go in the house or we'll get all wet.

Phil: (tapping his diaper) I'm already wet.

Lil: (doing the same) Me too!

(They giggle and run off)

Tommy: Aren't you comin', Angelica?

Angelica: I can't come with you, Tommy! I runned away! If I go in the house, your mommy and daddy will see me and the whole thing will be "runed".

Tommy: (walking off, cheerfully) Okay, bye! Hope you don't get too wet!

Angelica: Yeah, yeah—real funny. Little bald idiot. (blasts of thunder and lightning; she looks up at the sky) Now what am I gonna do? (she spots Spike's dog house, still occupied by the sleeping dog)

Angelica: Oh, Spiiiike!

(Shot of Angelica sitting in the dog house curled up with a large teddy bear and watching a tiny television set. Spike is seen outside staring at her with disdain)

Angelica: Oh, that Gilligan! (she laughs, then the TV loses its signal) Hey, what's wrong with this thing! (she kicks it over and it turns off) Oh, well. (she looks outside and hears and sees an owl hooting, then she shivers) Well, I bet they're real worried about me now. (laying back against the bear) They're probably crying and everything! Hah! (seeing something) Hey!!

(Drew is seen through the glass doors of the Pickles' kitchen, talking to Didi and laughing)

Angelica: That's my daddy! And he's laughin'!

(She gets up and runs to the house. Spike joyfully returns to his house. Angelica climbs up to look through a window)

Angelica: What's going on? What's he so happy about? (she sees Drew, Didi and Stu happily talking to each other at the kitchen table. She pushes the door open. The grown-ups are laughing.)

Drew: Oh, boy. It is so nice to get away from the responsibilities of parenthood!

Angelica: (still outside) I runned away from home and... and he's happy! Oh, no! What have I done?!

Stu: It's so nice to---

Angelica: (cutting him off as she runs inside) Daddy! Daddy! (she Spitoon cries)

Drew: Angelica? What are you doing here?

Angelica: (hugging his legs) Daddy, I heard you! I heard it all! (crying) I'm sorry I was bad and runned away from home! I'm sorry I cut up your papers and broke your fax machine! I'm sorry and I promise I'll never be bad again! Only please! Take me baaaaaaack! (Spitoon crying)

Drew: (picking her up and holding her) Take you back? Honey, I didn't even know you were gone!

Angelica: (she stops Spitoon crying) You didn't?

Drew: No! I thought you were still in your room, safe and sound.

Angelica: You mean you didn't even know I runned away?

Drew: I had no idea! (setting her down) Oh, but sweetheart, you know you'll always be my princess, no matter what you do. You're my baby and I love you. (Angelica sniffles, smiles and hugs him) Well, I guess I better get in touch with Charlotte; she might be worried. Can I use your fax?

Didi: Of course.

(The grown-ups leave and the babies enter the kitchen)

Chuckie: Hi, Angelica.

Phil: We heard it all.

Lil: Everything.

Tommy: Um, Angelica? Does this mean you're gonna change? And you'll never be bad or do naughty things ever again?

Angelica: (turning away) Get real! (she shakes off her wet hair, splashing the babies with water, then leaves the kitchen. The babies walk up to the glass door and see Spike in his dog house, happily watching the again-functional TV set.)