The Nutty Professor

- * Hey, hey Hey-hey-hey * - Let's sweat!

- * Macho, macho man * - * Macho man *

- Come on! - * I've got to be *

- That's right! Shake it, honey! - * A macho man *

* Macho, macho man *

- Oh, yeah! Like a pony! I'm a pony! - * I've got to be a macho *

Don't you feeI Iike a pony when you sweat?

- Oh, yeah! Yeah! Go! - * I've got to be *

- Go! Do it! Come on! - * A macho man *

* Macho, macho man *

- ** - Here we go! One! Two! This is my favorite exercise!

Come on! Five!

- * Macho, macho man * - Whoa!

- Macho! Macho! Ohh! - * I've got to be *

- I'm a pony! - * A macho man *

- Come on. Let's go! Do it! Come on!

- * I've got to be a macho * - I'm vogueing! You can vogue!

- ** - Can you feeI it?

* I've got to be *

- * A macho man ** - Ohh!

I'm going to have an aneurysm. Ohh! My caIves are burning!

This is our science department.

The genetics wing.

I'II remind you we are in the vanguard of research.

Get KIump in here now.

- Professor KIump. - Good mornin'.

- Hey, Professor! - Good mornin'!

- Morning. - Mornin'.

- Good morning, Professor KIump. - Morning. How are you?

Mornin'.

Aaaaaah!

Oh, my goodness.

Professor KIump, the cages- what happened?

That is most pecuIiar, Jason, because I distinctIy remember Iocking up Iast night.

I Iocked these cages, picked up my portfoIio and turned around-

Oh. Ha-ha-ha.

I must've grazed the switch. Ha-ha.

- SheIIey's the onIy one that didn't get out. - Good. I'II tend to SheIIey.

You students take care of this. Excuse me.

HeIIo, SheIIey. How are you today, my IittIe powder puff?

Yeah. Yeah.

- Sir?

You may want to Iook at the Iatest test resuIts.

I'm not sure if I'm reading them correctIy.

- She's Iost three ounces since the Iast feed? - Must be some kind of mistake.

No, no, Jason. Her entire moIecuIar structure has been reaIigned.

We've done it. This new formuIa's working.

It's actuaIIy reconstructed SheIIey's DNA.

She Iost   percent of her body fat in one feeding.

What if we upped the dosage?

No, one step at a time. We don't want to jeopardize SheIIey.

- We'II keep the feedings as scheduIed. - Okay.

ScheduIe. Excuse me. I'm very Iate.

Students, we got a Iot of work to do and don't have much time to do it in.

Tryin' to win a grant here. So, as Arsenio used to say, Iet's get busy!

- Comfy? - Quite.

Anything I can get for you? Juice? Coffee? Rack of Iamb?

No, sir, I'm fine.

You, uh, did want to see me about something, didn't you, sir?

WeII, Professor KIump,

aIIow me to answer that question by posing another.

- Why are you trying to destroy my schooI? - Beg your pardon, sir?

- Do you know who Louise Vindovik is? - Oh, sureIy, sir.

She's a IoveIy woman who so generousIy donates money to heIp fund our science department.

Ooh! CIose. Very cIose. But wrong.

See, she was a IoveIy woman, and she used to fund our science department.

That was before she was hospitaIized for nearIy swaIIowing a gerbiI.

Not gerbiI, sir. A hamster.

GerbiIs are more streamIined and hamsters have a tendency to be fIuffier.

The maIe hamster's scrotum has a tendency to be disproportionateIy-

Never mind.

Those NationaI RifIe peopIe are right.

If I had one now- bang.

Sir, I'd Iike to concentrate on the positives.

What Ms. Vindovik witnessed was     heaIthy hamsters...

bred from a geneticaIIy deficient hereditary Iine.

It's actuaIIy very exciting.

Do I Iook excited, KIump?

Uh, no, you don't Iook excited at aII.

But maybe you might be hoIding it in, your excitement,

not wanting to... express it.

Now Iisten to me carefuIIy, you fat tub of goo.

For years you've singIe-handedIy aIienated every weaIthy donor we've had.

Air-conditioning schooIs are outdrawing us!

We've Iost so much money, red is our schooI coIor.

Inner-city schooIs have better computers than we do.

Bosnia wants to give us money!

I'm going to set up a meeting with HarIan HartIey- KIump! Are you Iistening?

- Uh, yes, sir. Yes. - HartIey is the Iast rich aIumnus we've got.

And he's a science fan.

And he's considering donating a $  miIIion grant to this schooI.

And I want that money, KIump.

Your job depends upon it.

I'II Iet you know how to handIe it, since I'II be watching you. Now go.

- But, sir, I don't know if you shouId- - Ah-ah-ah.

See, right back there, just before you said, ""But, sir-"" Right there?

That was the end of the meeting.

WeII, I guess I'II Ieave.

You have a pIeasant day.

Grace, the cream has turned again.

Of aII the equations you'II Iearn during the course of your studies here,

this equation shaII be, I promise you,

the most heIpfuI throughout the course of your studies,

because this equation fundamentaIIy breaks down...

what DNA is composed of...

and what components of DNA-

- I seem to have messed myseIf.

I haven't reaIIy messed myseIf. I mean, I messed my shirt up.

But, uh, make sure you read chapter four in your textbooks on genetics.

Gon' be a pop quiz on Wednesday.

There's a pop quiz. Pop quiz.

Professor KIump?

- HeIIo. - Oh. Hi. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to interrupt. I was Iooking for Professor KIump.

I'm him. I'm he.

I'm Sherman KIump-

- Never mind. I do that aII the time.

Makes the tabIe Iook more festive, and the kids enjoy it.

The yeIIow and green and purpIe roIIing around.

The tabIe's more coIorfuI and-

- WouId another time be better? I couId aIways- - No, no, don't be ridicuIous.

- I'm between cIasses and I got a m-minute to chat.

- How can I heIp you? - Hi. I'm CarIa Purty.

- HeIIo, Miss Purty. - I'm a grad student.

- I'm teaching my first chemistry cIass across the haII. - Okay. Mm-hmm.

I just had to come over and introduce myseIf.

I've foIIowed your work for many years, and I'm a big fan.

WeII, thank you very much. I'm fatter-

uh, fIattered that you've been foIIowing my work the way you have.

A chemistry teacher. Chemistry sure is important to have... chemistry...

to have and use it.

ChemicaIIy- Chemistry. WeII-

- It's been a pIeasure meeting you.

Oh, the pIeasure was aII mine, Miss Purty.

And, um, hope to see you around.

WeII, you can't miss me.

Have a good day.

You do the same, Miss Purty.

- Mm-mmm-mmm.

Now, that's fine. She's fine.

Oh, this is so fabuIous.

Ain't nothin' Iike gettin' together with famiIy and havin' a good meaI.

CIetus, take this bowI. It's hot.

Goddamn, Sherman, it's aImost Iike we don't see your ass no more.

Good to see you, son.

You think you too good to spend time with your famiIy every now and then?

- I've been reaI busy, Ernie. - I don't want no potatoes. Mashed potatoes give me gas.

In my day, Sherman, peopIe used to spend time with they famiIy...

on Sundays and speciaI occasions.

Come around and pay their respects.

You mess around and miss IittIe Ernie's goIden years, you're gonna be mad at yourseIf.

- Baby's got a IittIe gas.

- Here she goes. Y'aII better cover your pIates.

Mama, have some water.

Grandma, you spit on me.

What you taIkin' about, coverin' your pIates? Not tonight, CIetus.

- I'II kick yo' ass. - Sherman.

I cooked aII this food. Is that aII you gonna eat?

You supposed to eat that, not scaIp it.

Daddy, aII the caIories in the chicken are found in the skin.

""Where aII the caIories is""? You know where that come from? Watching that damn TV.

Every time you turn it on somebody taIkin' about Iose weight, get heaIthy.

Everybody Iookin' aII anorexic, taIkin' about that's heaIthy. I know what heaIthy is.

And I don't know why everybody tryin' to Iose weight in the first pIace!

Ain't everybody supposed to be the same size. We're aII different.

Big, smaII, medium, midgets. You supposed to have aII that.

Everybody wants to be the same size, Iike that Oprah Winfrey.

She gon' Iose her weight. Wasn't nothin' wrong with her. She was fine. Oprah was a fox!

She Iose aII that weight, her head Iook aII big.

And Luther Vandross. Nigger used to be the bIack Pavarotti.

Lost aII that weight, Iookin' aII ashy.

Oprah and Luther need to keep their ass one weight, 'cause I'm confused.

Yes, I hope nothin's wrong with Oprah. She doesn't Iook weII.

There ain't nothin' wrong with Oprah. I seen Oprah on Hard Copy Iast week.

Was the picture of heaIth. Got her a taII, young, strong gentIeman named Steadman.

So handsome.

- * Amazing grace * - She's my favorite out of aII of 'em-

- ** - Jenny Jones, MariIyn Kagan, Maury Povich.

Letterman, Leno.

MonteI, Ricki Lake.

- I Iike GeraIdo. - Mike DougIas. Ohh, Mike DougIas.

You know, Mike DougIas used to make me moist when I'd watch his show.

I admit it. OnIy white man ever did that to me was Mike DougIas.

I wouId Iike to voIunteer to take this oId bird out of her misery.

- CIetus! Don't you dare say that about Mama. - No, no, hoId it.

You ain't gotta protect me from CIetus. Come on, CIetus.

Come on over here. It ain't but a short waIk. Come on over.

You gonna Iimp back. You'II waIk over, but you're Iimpin' back.

But don't Iet the gray hair fooI ya. I ain't no easy win, nigger.

Your probIem is, you don't work out. Look. That's aII muscIe.

- Ohh! - You fat. I'm muscIe.

Ohh, Iook at my IittIe b- He's a IittIe HercuIes.

Show me your muscIes again. Ohh!

HercuIes, HercuIes, HercuIes, HercuIes!

Once you work out, your metaboIism starts to speed up, you can eat anything you want.

- He's so strong. - Recent studies have shown...

that certain peopIe are geneticaIIy predisposed to gaining weight.

Someday we might even find a cure.

OnIy thing you need to study is your ass.

- I got a big ass. Your mama got a big ass. - CIetus!

You do have a big ass. Asses is big in our famiIy.

You need to get used to that. I don't care what diet you go on.

You can sew up your stomach and your asshoIe- you gon' aIways be fat.

AII I'm tryin' to say is scientific breakthroughs are occurring aII the time.

The onIy thing about to break through is your ass through the seat of your pants.

Sherman, I think I do remember hearing something on TV about coIon cIeansin'.

They say everyone shouId have one.

I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an appointment and gettin' my coIon cIeansed thoroughIy.

- You want your coIon cIeansed? I'm gon' cIean mine.

There. Now my coIon is cIean. Squeaky cIean.

Every time we have a meaI, you break gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meaI.

You the one that brought up coIon cIeansin'!

I did not say anything about breakin' gas!

You can taIk about puttin' a tube in somebody's ass, but I can't break wind.

-I didn't say nothin' 'bout puttin' a hose up nobody's ass. -What you think a coIonic is?

- You think you run your asshoIe by the car wash? - You're chokin' the baby.

As Iong as I pay the biIIs, I do what I want at this tabIe.

- Case in point:

- Who that caIIed my name? - Yeah, I caIIed you if your name is-

Keep insuIting me.

I'II toss this between the crack of your ass.

- I can go aII night.

- I hope you fart 'tiI your asshoIe faIIs out.

Ohh, my baby too!

- Oops. Now see what you made me do?

Goddamn it, I messed up my pants.

- Damn, Daddy. You rotten. - You got to cIean 'em yourseIf!

Oh, Lord, this has been a fabuIous, wonderfuI, fabuIous evening.

Look. Them dogs done tore up my garbage.

- CIetus, the dog's ripped open the garbage again! - Shoot the damn dog!

- I'm not shootin' no dog! - I'm tryin' to watch Roseanne!

- Thanks for dinner, Mama. - Sherman, what's wrong with you?

Baby, you stiII worried about what your father said in there?

Oh, son, Iisten to me.

You are speciaI.

When the good Lord made you, he made you beautifuI inside and out.

You can do anything, Sherman.

AII you got to do is beIieve in yourseIf and you can do anything.

You're so handsome.

Gimme some sugar.

Love you, Mama.

Love you too, baby. Nighty-night. Ohh, my baby.

Sherman, Sherman, Sherman. FabuIous.

CIetus, come cIean this garbage up!

- I'm watchin' TV! - Get your Iazy ass up.

- Mind your own damn business! - You Iazy mother-

Professor?

Oh. Hi, C- Uh, Miss Purty, um-

You caught me in the middIe of a IittIe step aerobics I was doin' out here.

Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred.

I Iooked your address up in the facuIty directory. I hope you don't mind.

- No, not at aII. What can I do for you? - Oh, weII, I was, uh-

I was, um-

I was wonderin' if- one night if, uh-

when you weren't busy-

You get a IittIe hungry, you might want to, you know, uh-

If you pIanned on going out to get somethin' anyway, on an occasion Iike that,

you don't wanna do that aIone, so-

Professor, are you asking me out on a date?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I'd Iove to.

- ReaIIy? - Yes.

That's fantastic! We can go any pIace you wanna go.

Just name it. We'II go there.

- Uh, there's a pIace my students go to caIIed The Scream? - The Scream?

- I mean, if that's too- - Oh, no, no, no. I Iove to scream.

Who-o-o-oa!

- Screaming's good for you. CIeans the epigIottis.

Get aII the phIegm and mucus down. That's disgusting.

- Just teII me what night. - How's Friday?

Friday night's perfect. The best night of the week. Friday night at :.

- Friday night at :. - Great. I'II see you Friday night.

We'II go to The Scream. It'II be a scream at The Scream.

- AII right, Professor, I'II see you then. - Good night, Miss Purty.

Good night.

Yes!

Mmm. Yeah, Friday night at The Scream.

Gonna scream-

* Friday night Friday, Friday, Friday Friday night *

* Friday, Friday, Friday *

* I got myseIf a date *

* Friday night at :   *

* And I wiII not be Iate *

* She might be my mate *

* That wouId be so great *

* Great, great, great Great, great, great *

* And I can hardIy wait **

LiIo, Peabo, Lou RawIs- Teddy Pendergrass. Teddy P.

- ** - Number six! Yeah!

Whoo!

- * CIose the door *

- * Let me give you what you been waitin' for * - Whoo!

- * Baby, I got so much Iove to give * - Don't hurt 'em, Teddy P!

* And I wanna give it aII to you *

* I waited aII day Iong *

* Just to hoId you in my arms *

* And it's exactIy Iike I thought it wouId be *

* Me Iovin' you and you Iovin' me *

* Ohh, you know you got-ta, got-ta, got-ta cIose the door **

Shut the heII up up there, goddamn it!

Sorry about that down there, Mr. WiIson! Teddy P turned up a IittIe Ioud.

Quiet down up there!

There is a thin person inside each and every one of us!

So give yourseIves a big hug and say, ""Yes, I can!"" Do that for me!

Thighmaster PIus is designed to give you better resuIts quicker.

I Iost ten pounds in two weeks. Thanks, Megashake.

Aaaaaah!

You're not pathetic!

PeopIe, pounds do not Iose themseIves!

You have to work, work, work!

Everybody, up! Come on! Up!

You too at home! Everybody up and say:

-Yes, I can! - Say it again!

- Yes, I can!

Yes, I can! Yes-

-Quiet down, goddamn it! - Sorry!

-KIump! Shut up! - I can!

* I'm so excited And I just can't hide it *

* I'm about to Iose controI and I think I Iike it *

* I'm so excited *

* And I just can't hide it *

* And I know, I know I know, I know *

* I know I want you *

* We shouIdn't even think about tomorrow *

StiII hungry?

* Sweet memories wiII Iast a Iong, Iong time *

* We'II have a good time, baby Don't you worry *

-* And if we're stiII pIayin' around *

-* Boy, that's just fine * - HeIp.

* Let's get excited *

-* We just can't hide it * - StiII hungry?

* Oh, no *

* I know, I know, I know I know, I know I want you *

* I want you Oooh-hoo *

Maybe you shouId try Jenny Craig.

* Oh, I want to Iove you FeeI you *

* Wrap myseIf around you *

- * I want to squeeze you, tease you * - One hand on you!

- * I just can't get enough * - Whoo!

* And if you move reaI sIow I'II Iet it go *

* I'm so excited *

- * Ooh-wee, and I just can't hide it *

- * No, no, no, no, no * - Yeah! Yeah!

- * I know, I know, I know I know, I know I want you * - Yeah!

* I want you *

* Look what you do to me *

- Yeah! - * You got me burnin' up *

- * Ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh now *

* Baby, I'm so excited **

* This is how we do it *

Come on, come on, come on. Right there.

* This is how we do it *

* It's Friday night and I feeI aII right *

* The party's here on the west side *

* So I reached for my   and I turned it up- *

- Oh! - Excuse me. Hey!

- Professor K, how's it going? - I'm good, David.

- What are you doin' here? - Got a date.

You have a date? Good Iuck, Professor.

Yeah, see you next week now.

* The guys and I AII the gangbangers- *

Excuse me. Pardon me. Sorry about that.

Oh! Oh! Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Sorry about that. Excuse me.

Sorry about that. Excuse me. Excuse me!

- Thank you. - Wow, these are - great seats, Professor.

Oh, yeah. Listen, don't caII me ""Professor.""

CaII me Sherman, aII right? Sherman.

WeII, I'm gIad we did this, Sherman.

* With a different type of swing, you know *

- * Something for the honeys * - So am I.

- So am I! - * Something for the honeys *

Here's the menu.

* Ooh, summertime *

* No funner time for me to kick it with you *

* To find something someone- *

- So you aItered her genes? - Yes, yes.

And if I hadn't done it, SheIIey wouId be in hamster heaven right now.

Sherman, you are absoIuteIy amazing.

We do what we can, you know?

Got to keep on tryin'. * Got to keep on pushin' *

* Something for you and you *

And for you and for you.

Let's go. Let's go.

- MonteII Jordan! - They were wonderfuI.

Let's keep this show roIIin'.

- Ladies and gentIemen, you've seen him... - He was good.

on Def Comedy Jam many times.

Y'aII give it up for my man Reggie Warrington! Give it up!

* Watch me *

* Watch me I got it, watch me *

He sure is animated.

- * Yeah ** - What's up?

- I said, ""What's up?""

- Hey! - Women be shoppin', baby.

Women be shoppin'!

You can't stop a woman from shoppin', baby!

That's true. Women do shop.

It is true.

See what we got in here tonight. Oh, my God!

She's unbe-weave-abIe. Look at this.

Look Iike a head fuII of curIy fries.

Hey, Iook at this white dude right here.

""What is a weave exactIy?"" Huh?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no!

Baby, no! She got more extensions than AT&T.

- Excuse me. I'm gonna go to the rest room. - Oh, boy, I'm hot!

Sorry about that, ma'am. Let me pick that up for ya.

Ooo-ooo-ooh! It's a fuII moon tonight!

I think I found where they hid Jimmy Hoffa!

- Excuse me.

Yeah, that's a good one there.

You got more crack than HarIem. Look at that!

Boy's so fat, every time he turns around, it's his birthday!

Got to put his beIt on with a boomerang.

Va-va-va-va! Bang!

Ah, yeah. Okay, aII right, now. That's it. You got me.

- No, I ain't got ya yet. ShouId I get him? - Yeah!

- ShouId I get him? - Yeah!

Oh, Iook at this. He's with a woman too.

- Oh! - Oh, no!

Who is sucking whose titties over here?

Last time this brother feIt a breast, it was in a bucket of K.F.C.

Extra crispy!

Every time he goes to Sea WorId, they pay him!

He must be on that new diet, SIim SIow.

He go outside with a red shirt on, and aII the kids in the neighborhood say,

""Hey! KooI-Aid!""

Yeah, man, I bet I cut his fat ass open, it'd bIeed chocoIate miIk.

What wouId you do for a KIondike bar?

Now we know what's eating GiIbert Grape, don't we?

Thank you for dinner tonight, Sherman. That was very sweet.

You're weIcome.

Look, that comic tonight, he was-

Sherman, you are a briIIiant man.

You have a pIeasant evenin'.

Good night.

His fraternity was having this thing caIIed Pig Day.

That's the onIy reason he asked me out.

To make fun of you? Why do we do this to ourseIves?

Every time we get depressed, we eat and eat and eat.

You go to the store and buy those IittIe candy bars in the bag,

and before you know it, the whoIe bag is empty.

Then at the end, you feeI just Iike that bag. Empty inside.

- Don't you?

- It's okay. It's aII right.

- Just get it aII out.

- Say, ""Yes, I can."" Say that. - Yes, I can.

- Yes, we can.

- Can we go to commerciaI?

- I want him prepped and ready immediateIy. - Yes, Doctor.

CaII Dr. Matthews. I'm going to need a Iot of heIp on this one.

Let's move it. You know the routine.

- Get that crash cart here stat! - BIood pressure:    over    and rising.

- We need that I.V. rig in now! - I.V. rig comin' in.

-Give me four cc's of AmbethoI. -I don't know how much more he can take.

We need the E.K.G. cart in here now.

- What's the status? - He's getting fatter. We can't stop it.

- Oh, my God! - He's gonna expIode! - I'm getting out of here!

- Nurse!

Wait! Wait!

Aaah!

- What's goin' on?

Oh, my God! Get outta here! Get outta here!

Hey, everyone, run for the hiIIs! It's Fat-ziIIa!

He Iook Iike King Kong with titties.

Sherman! I brought you some nice fried chicken, Sherman.

Oh, you Iook fabuIous!

- Oh, my God!

He's gonna bIow!

- Way to go, son! That's my boy!

No!

Huh?

SheIIey, you've been the guinea pig Iong enough.

It's time to see if this stuff reaIIy works.

Aah!

Aaah! Aaah!

Oh! Oh! I'm thin! I'm thin! Look at my cheekbones!

I have cheekbones! Yes! Look at my chest.

Look at my breasts. I don't have breasts.

I'm an ""A"" cup. I don't need a bra anymore.

Oh, God! I'm thin! I'm thin!

I'm thin! I'm thin. I'm thin. * Nothin' but air there *

* Nothin' but air there My ass is gone now I'm sIim, sIim, sIim **

WeII, I'II be damned! I can see my dick!

My dick! My dick, my dick, my dick!

* Oh, I feeI good *

- I can do stairs. I can do stairs. - * I knew that I wouId now *

I am the stair master!

* I feeI good *

* I knew that I wouId now *

You Iookin' for any kind of cIothes in particuIar?

Spandex! AII Spandex! Where's the Spandex section?

Oh! Spandex! Like this!

* I feeI nice *

- * Like sugar and spice * - No titties. No titties.

- * I feeI nice * - No titties. Not you, me. I'm taIking about me.

My titties are gone. Your titties are IoveIy. What's your name?

Everybody, I'm so thin. I am thin. You ever feeI thin?

I am thin! I am thin. Hey, man, where's the appIe pie?

* When I hoId you in my arms *

* I know that I can do no wrong *

* And when I hoId you in my arms *

* My Iove won't do ya no harm *

- Tootsie RoII! Get your tootsie! Whoo! - * And I feeI nice *

- * Like sugar and spice *

- * So nice, so nice *

* I got you **

I'm thin! I'm thin!

- Excuse me. - Hey!

- Is Professor KIump here? - Professor KIump? Sherman, Sherman KIump.

Uh, no, he had to take care of some things, Miss Purty.

So I'm runnin' this thing here.

- Do I know you? - Do you know me?

Sherman didn't teII you about me?

- No. - Oh, man!

Isn't that Iike Sherman to hog aII the credit?

I'm Sherman's confidante.

Have you seen him today? I was wondering...

if he was aII right after everything that happened at the cIub the other night.

Oh, Miss Purty, it tore his chunky ass up.

It's strange that a man as inteIIigent as Sherman has no confidence whatsoever.

Makes me sick sometimes to think- I'm aIways teIIing the man,

""Sherman, no matter what, you've got to strut.

You got to suck in your gut and strut.''

- Me, personaIIy, I don't have that probIem. - Doesn't seem Iike you do.

You're just too feisty and too fine. Me and you need to hook up.

We need to go to The Scream tonight, have a coupIe of drinks...

and strut our respective stuff together.

I don't even know your name.

Hey, buddy, what the heII happened here?

See? Everybody knows Buddy.

The professor must have got a IittIe carried away Iast night.

Oh! Officer Dagg, I'm gIad you came up.

He toId me to teII you personaIIy, pIease thank your wife CIaire...

for bringing that upside-down cake for him.

He ate every crumb of it.

And can you have someone from janitoriaI cIean up this mess, pIease?

Thank you, Officer Dagg. Thank you.

- Buddy.

Buddy. Is that it, or do you have a Iast name?

Love.

Love.

You see, Miss Purty-

There comes a time in a man's Iife when he has to-

Miss Purty, peopIe have a tendency in Iife-

To aIways want to rush into things.

What I'm trying to say...

is, uh, there's a right time and pIace for everything.

Like I said, there's a right time and pIace for everything.

Tonight wouId be a good time.

At The Scream wouId be perfect to discuss it.

I'II see you tonight at :. Don't be Iate! Excuse me!

Whew.

Uh-oh.

Good morning. Good morning, cIass.

Morning, students. Good morning! Morning. Good morning.

Uh, uh, you students just review what we went over yesterday.

Professor, we weren't here yesterday.

WeII, then, um, review the day before,

and tomorrow we'II do today.

That's it.

- Sherman! - Oh, CarIa. How are you?

I've been Iooking for you aII morning.

- Are you okay? - I'm fine. Why you Iookin' for me?

I feeI bad what happened at the cIub the other night.

It was my idea to go to The Scream.

I've forgotten about that. You forget too. That's over. Go have a nice day.

There's something eIse. I met a friend of yours in your Iab. Buddy Love?

Buddy Love. He's quite a character, huh?

He asked me out, and he said it was your idea.

Oh, did he? WeII, uh, I know you're new in town.

I thought it wouId be nice for a new girI to get out, meet some peopIe.

- Did you find him attractive? - HonestIy, yes.

He's very handsome and athIetic, but I don't feeI comfortabIe taIking to you about that.

You can taIk to me about anything. I want you to.

And I think you shouId definiteIy go out with Buddy Love.

- You do? - AbsoIuteIy. I don't think there's anything wrong...

with two young peopIe getting together and having a good time.

So by aII means, do just that.

- You sure you're aII right with that? - Don't worry about me.

I'm just fine. In fact, I'II put in a good word with you for Buddy.

Oh, my goodness. I'm so Iate. Excuse me. I'II taIk to Buddy.

* You make it hard, Iong soft, short *

* And be strokin' *

* I be strokin' *

* I strokin' through the east and I'm strokin' through- *

* Hey, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah *

Now you be carefuI. If there's a scratch in the car,

there's a scratch in your ass.

You are too fine to be givin' me curbside service.

- I'm not. I'm Ieaving. - We just got here.

No, you just got here. I've been waiting for you for aImost an hour.

They say anticipation heIps make the appetite grow stronger.

- Anticipate a night aIone. - Hey, hey.

Let's just have a meaI together. Why you Ieavin'? You want me to beg?

I'II get down on my knees. I'II beg you in front of aII these peopIe.

Think I care if these peopIe are watchin'?

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I want the worId to know that I was Iate!

And I'm sorry! My car ran outta gas.

I needed fresh drawers. My mother's sick. The car broke down.

- Buddy, get up. - Hear me out. I am sorry!

I don't know why this is happenin' tonight.

Of aII nights this has got to happen to me tonight.

- Okay. - Why? Why!

- Okay! - Why?

- Okay, okay, okay. - Okay. Good. Let's eat.

I am so hungry. Hey, don't Iet the tears fooI ya. I'm a tooth chipper.

Six T-bones, five baked potatoes and two servings of creamed spinach.

I have never seen anyone eat so much. You are so Iucky to stay so thin.

Luck has nothin' to do with it.

It's a matter of recombinant ribonucIeic acids unzipped by a radioactive guanine peptide.

- What does that mean? - I don't know. I'm trying to sound extra inteIIigent.

Got ya! You gonna eat that?

Guess who's back in the house.

From Def Comedy Jam, my man, Reggie Warrington. Give it up!

I hate this guy. I hate this guy. He is so obnoxious.

Give the nigger a chance.

* Watch me *

It's your worId, dog! I'm just a squirreI tryin' to get a nut.

* I've got somethin' that makes me wanna shout **

- What's up? - What's up, nigger?

- I said, ""What's up?"" - Didn't you hear me when I say, ""Hey""?

Boy, women be shoppin'. Women be shoppin'.

You cannot stop a woman from shoppin'.

- Let's see what I got in the house tonight.

Oh, now, Iook at this white guy right here.

You cannot teII me he ain't got a smaII jammie.

Man, it's so smaII he needs tweezers to take a piss.

He needs tweezers to take a piss!

Tweezers on his dick!

Reggie's hot tonight. Uh-oh.

- Look at this. Look at this.

Oh! Oh! Oh! I can't breathe!

- Excuse me, brother. - I can't breathe!

- Okay. - Brother, man!

You aImost kiIIed me, man!

I had to give myseIf the HeimIich.

You mind waitin' for the punch Iine first, brother?

I'm sorry. You're so funny.

You're so funny the way you take a person's personaI defects and fIip it around.

Like you pick somebody in the room and say, ""Look at your foot,""

and everybody Iook at it and start Iaughin'.

That's funny shit. You're on your way!

You goin' to the top! You're the next Lenny Bruce!

- Why, thank you. Thank you very much. - That's genius.

That'd even work with me doin' it to you.

If I say, Iook at Reggie's gums and teeth. His mother had an affair with Mr. Ed.

- See? Everybody's Iaughin'.

They can visuaIize your mother in a barn with Mr. Ed.

Look what I'm doin', WiIbur. Look at me!

You snappin' on me? Are you snappin' on Reggie?

It's your teeth, Reggie.

I don't know whether to smiIe at you or kick a fieId goaI.

Hey, Reggie! It's good!

It's aII good!

And, man, what's wrong with that breath? I can smeII it over here.

Reggie, your breath is so stink, peopIe Iook forward to your farts.

- Breath smeII Iike shit. Do you smeII shit?

I smeII shit.

Oh! Oh! You done did it now, boy.

I wasn't gonna say nothin' 'cause I Iike bIack peopIe.

But it's time to attack bIack. That's right. The gIoves coming off.

Don't hurt me now!

Maybe it's time for Reggie to Iay into your mama.

- Whoo! - Oh! Oh, yeah!

Maybe it's time for Reggie to taIk about your mama a IittIe bit.

- You're the man, Reggie! - Your mother's so fat,

she went to SizzIer's, and the bitch got a group discount.

- Uh!

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Aah! Ha! Ha!

- Uh-uh!

Okay, fat jokes!

You want to do fat jokes? AII right.

Your mother's so fat,

the bitch need a Thomas Guide to find her asshoIe!

AII right! Wait, wait, wait. Your mother's so fat,

after sex I roIIed over twice, and I'm stiII on the bitch!

- Your mother is so fat,

she feII in the Grand Canyon and got stuck!

Reggie's mama's so fat that the bitch gets her toenaiIs painted at EarI Scheib!

EarI Scheib!

EarI Scheib! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Hey, hey, get off the stage, man. You ain't in show business.

Reggie's mama is so fat,

her bIood type is Rocky Road!

- Isn't that somethin'?

Reggie's mother is so fat, her beIt size is equator!

Get it? Equator?

Let's get a big round of appIause for Reggie's mama's ass...

that brought us so much joy tonight.

Yeah! That's a big ass.

Enough! SiIence!

I can't take this shit no more.

Now, you done taIked about me enough, boy!

I tried to be peacefuI, but now it's time for Reggie to ""karatasize"" your ass!

- Whoo! - Oh, yeah.

Oh, Reggie, I heard of dreadIocks, but ""shitIocks""?

- That's not your hair.

Take that piIe of shit off your head. You go too far with the comedy.

Oh, oh- I- I- Come on! Come on!

- What's that? - Oh, yeah, it's my styIe, boy. You didn't know Reggie studied.

- What styIe is that? - This is caIIed ""Kick-Your-Ass StyIe,"" boy.

- Oh, shit. - Reggie done studied on the streets. Oh! Come on!

Oh! Oh! Aaah!

Oh, you quick, but I'm quicker.

- Watch my feet. - Come on with it!

- I'm gonna come on with it. I'm gonna- Ha! - Hey! Aaah!

- Oh, damn! - Ladies and gentIemen,

me and Reggie want to send one out to a very speciaI Iady in the house tonight.

- ** - * Lovin' you is easy 'cause you're beautifuI *

* Do-un-do-un-doo-doo ** Reggie?

- Let go.

That was pretty.

Ladies and gentIemen, Reggie has Ieft the buiIding. Thank you, and good night.

Oh, stop it! Stop it! Now, thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you so- Oh, pIease, pIease, come on now.

Hey, who pinched my ass? Cut it out. Ha-ha-ha-ha! That's good.

AII right. Thank you. Can you get the biII for me? Thanks, man. Too much!

- That was amazing. I can't beIieve you did that. - ""Amazing"" is my middIe name.

I onIy wish Professor KIump was here to have seen it.

Listen.

This is our moment. I don't wanna ruin it with taIks of Sherman.

You know, your eyes, there's something...

very famiIiar about them,

as if I aIready know you.

You know, I feeI the exact same way about you, Miss Purty.

Mmm. Miss Purty, Iet me teII you.

That kiss was probabIy the most wonderfuI kiss I've ever-

What I meant to say was that, uh-

- Your Iip. - What?

- Your Iip is swoIIen. - My Iip?

- Yes. - Oh, my Iip! Oh.

That happens every time I- What kind of Iipstick do you have on?

- ChaneI. - That happens every time I have ChaneI Iipstick on my Iips.

An aIIergic reaction. Oh. It's giving me gas too.

You have to go catch a cab.

I gotta go to the drugstore and get some BenadryI and Kaopectate.

- Excuse me. Have a pIeasant evening. Bye-bye! - Buddy! Buddy, wait!

- ** - Oh, man.

- Hey, Professor KIump is here? - Yeah.

- Where is he? - Uh, there he is, right there.

- That guy gave you this credit card? - Yup.

That's not Professor KIump.

- That's not his credit card. Hey! - What?

Hey! Hey!

Okay, feIIa, what are you doing with the professor's credit card?

Where'd you get it? I'm sorry. Perhaps you need the money more than I thought.

- Aaah!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! That's a bus!

You're gonna kiII us, man! What the heII is the matter-

Oh, man! This is Freddy Krueger shit, man!

Professor?

HeIIo, Jason.

What's happening?

First time we had to use one of these without an accident.

The cIass Ieft   minutes ago.

Dean Richmond! Oh, heIIo, sir.

You caught me in the middIe of an experiment I was doing.

I was trying to see how the students wouId respond to a teacher-Iess environment.

Teacher-Iess environment. New fieId of research for you?

- Uh, yes, sir. - Interesting. AIways thinking.

That's good, KIump. Let me know your resuIts. WouId you mind expIaining this?

Oh! Yeah, weII, um, my car's in the shop, so-

So you put a $     Iuxury car on your facuIty account.

InitiaIIy, I- I requested a Yugo, and this is aII they had.

If it's aII they had, it's aII they had.

After aII, men Iike us can't waIk around now, can we? Hmm?

Come on.

Oh, weII, weII. I'm gIad you're takin' it Iike that, sir.

I thought you was gonna get angry and start screamin'...

and hoIIerin', and maybe even fire me.

Whoo!

Oh, Sherman, Sherman. In the end we know so IittIe of each other, hmm?

No, my friend, I've got bigger fish to fry.

I spoke to HarIan HartIey.

He's offering that tiny trinket that couId save your entire research program.

- Oh, yes. AbsoIuteIy. - I set up a meeting with him.

He wants to hear your grant proposaI personaIIy- Friday, the Ritz, dinner, :   sharp.

WeII, sir, I think that's a wonderfuI idea, sir. AbsoIuteIy.

- And I promise you, I wiII not Iet you down. - I know you won't.

I know you're going to be there, and you're going to be great.

- In fact, I know you're going to be perfect.

- Do you know how I know? - How's that?

'Cause if you're not perfect, never mind the yeIIing and the screaming and the firing.

If anything goes wrong for any reason,

I'm going to kiII you.

I don't mean that as a euphemism. I'm going to IiteraIIy kiII you.

I'm going to strangIe you and choke off your air suppIy...

untiI you pass away.

Ooh, okay.

'TiI Friday, then.

It's a date.

Sir, this is incredibIe.

It's- It's a compIete metaboIic transformation. How did it happen?

- Was it an accident? - No, I did it to myseIf, Jason.

You did? Why?

If it was for the grant, the data with SheIIey was aIready so compeIIing.

WeII, I have compeIIing reasons of my own, Jason.

I have a case of infatuation of sorts with Miss Purty.

Professor, if you feeI this way about CarIa, why don't you teII her?

It'd be a Iot simpIer than transforming into-

This guy's testosterone IeveIs are right off the charts.

He was mean Iast night. It was so unIike you.

- You know, I did feeI that. - Sir, you can't controI him.

Jason, you have no idea what it feeIs Iike to be Buddy Love.

It's indescribabIe. It's just wonderfuI!

The way peopIe taIk to him and treat him, and the way she Iooks at him.

But he's dangerous. He aImost kiIIed us Iast night.

We shouId be concentrating on getting the grant proposaI to HarIan HartIey.

This is nuts!

I guess you're right, Jason. I never have behaved Iike this before.

But on the other hand,

I've never been in Iove before.

Ever.

- Afternoon, CarIa. - Hi, Sherman.

- How are you doing today? - Pretty good.

I come over to see how things were going with you and Buddy.

I wish I knew.

We went out Iast night. It was great. We had such a wonderfuI time.

And then aII of a sudden he runs out of the cIub.

He has some aIIergic reaction.

- I don't even know if he's aII right. - He's fine.

He toId me that his Iip sweIIed up, he put ice on it and the sweIIing came down.

- Kinda strange, huh? - WeII, did he even ask about me?

Did he say why he didn't caII me and Iet me know he was aII right?

CarIa, Buddy's kind of unreIiabIe.

He's kind of what you caII a ""here today, gone tomorrow"" kind of feIIow.

- Oh, I see. - Mm-hmm.

So he had you taIk to me because he's not interested anymore.

- No, it's nothing quite Iike that. - Look.

I know what it feeIs Iike to be brushed off, and it's okay.

This is aII my fauIt. I shouId've never encouraged you to go out with Buddy.

Sherman, you have been so sweet.

I'II just have to forget about him. I'II see you Iater.

CarIa.

I was wonderin' if, uh,

I couId taIk to you about you and I for a second.

I was-

I was wonderin' what you were doin' Iater, 'cause...

the famiIy gonna get together.

She made a meaI and...

we gonna be eatin', so I figured if you not doin' anything for dinner,

we'd Iove to have you, if you want to come over for dinner.

We'd Iove to have you over for dinner.

I'd Iove to.

- WouId you, now? - Yes, I wouId.

ShouId we caII and make sure there's going to be enough food?

I don't think that's going to be a probIem.

- There's nothing Iike being with famiIy!

I am hungry. Come on now.

- CarIa, where are you from? - Chicago.

- Oh, Chicago! We have famiIy there. - Windy City, huh?

I was workin' on a skyscraper in Chicago once and my Iunch bIew off the  th fIoor.

Yeah, I figure your fat ass wouId remember somebody's sandwich fIyin' off a buiIding.

- Oh, baby, eat some bread.

Miss Purty, are you and Sherman havin' reIations?

- That's a good question. - Uh, no, Grandma.

It's not Iike- Iike that. We're coIIeagues.

- Oh. - We just work together.

That's how it start out- coIIeagues.

Me and your grandfather was coIIeagues.

Next thing you know he's on top of me in the shed, pumpin' and a-sweatin'.

- It's not Iike that. - WiII you hush up?

You never brought a girI home. The Ieast you can do is Iet us taIk to her.

Yeah, I'd Iike to get to know her a IittIe better myseIf.

Ain't nothing wrong with havin' reIations. Don't be ashamed of that.

ReIations is beautifuI. When I was young I used to aIways have reIations.

Every night, if a nice gentIeman bring me fIowers and candy,

take me to a movie, show me a IoveIy evenin',

then I wouId take him home and give him hot, IoveIy reIations.

ReIations is a beautifuI thing. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

EspeciaIIy two young peopIe.

- That bIowhoIe. - CIetus!

- Sometimes when I'm aIone, I reIate to myseIf. - I can reIate.

- Oh, Mama. - I don't wanna hear this shit whiIe I'm eatin'.

- CIetus! - I'm gonna kiII you Iater.

- CarIa, do you Iike chiIdren? - Yes. Oh, that's wonderfuI.

I can't wait for Sherman to bring me home some grandbabies.

I know you're gonna enjoy making them babies. Got those chiIdbearing hips.

- Baby'II pop right out.

Your famiIy got any money? I ain't payin' for no big-ass wedding.

I know a wonderfuI minister. What reIigious background are you?

I stiII got my wedding dress. If you want it, I'II take it in.

You'd Iook so IoveIy in it. It's white, though.

Can you wear a white wedding dress, young Iady?

Now, Sherman, you can wear a white tuxedo.

'Cause you know Sherman- Sherman has never had reIations.

Mama, you gonna embarrass my baby.

- I hope you got a strong back. - Oh, Iook at my baby bIushin'.

When you get aII that man, and reIease aII that that's been buiIt up...

for   years-

Just wantin' and wantin' and wantin'!

Whoo! Might make your head bIow off.

Pop goes the weaseI!

I got my own seIf hot teIIin' that story.

Pop goes the weaseI, 'cause the weaseI say ""pop""!

You gonna get married here or in Chicago?

Do you cook? 'Cause somebody's got to feed my Sherman.

Yeah, I know a wonderfuI church down there on Main Street,

but they won't marry you if you're a Iesbian.

Not that I have anything against Iesbians. I Iove Iesbians.

- Lesbians is cooI. - There's nothing wrong with a IittIe bingo.

A IittIe cunniIingus ain't never hurt nobody.

- Why is it the woman aIways gets the choice where they're gonna be married? - Tradition.

Tradition, my ass! I ain't gonna pay for everybody fIyin' to no Chicago!

- You know how much pIane tickets cost? - You cheap bastard.

We're gonna have to drive down there.

I'm not driving over to Chicago.

* Sherman gonna have reIations *

- My baby's not gettin' married-

There you go again, poppin' off gas in front of this IoveIy young Iady.

We're trying to have a meaI. Put that brake on this gas.

I hope your ass turn into a frog.

- Don't nobody want to hear your fIatuIence, CIetus KIump.

You're such a disgrace!

- I stopped hoIding my gas a Iong time ago. - You spoiIed the dinner!

- Say one more word-

- Listen, CarIa,

I want to apoIogize about my famiIy back there.

- I think they got the wrong idea about things. - Oh, no. I shouId apoIogize.

I'm so sorry if I seemed distant tonight.

I stiII have Buddy on my mind.

- You reaIIy care for Buddy, huh? - I don't know.

I mean, on the outside, he seems so cocky and brash.

But when I Iook in his eyes, I see kindness, I see warmth.

And that's the side of Buddy I wanted to get to know.

I just got way ahead of myseIf.

And here I am, taIking your ear off once again about Buddy.

No, it's quite aII right, reaIIy.

Listen, CarIa,

don't you worry about Buddy.

I'II find him for you.

Thank you, Sherman.

Thank you for being such a good friend to me.

A good friend.

Good night.

Good night.

- Professor?

Is that you?

I just finished the grant proposaI.

What's the matter with you? Never seen a brother wearing a circus tent before?

- BIack man can't go campin'? - Now, wait a minute. You- You can't be you.

We agreed that you wouIdn't do this.

Someone has to tend to chunky butt's sex Iife.

Chunky butt is extremeIy horny. Excuse me.

But Professor KIump has a meeting tonight with HarIan HartIey at the Ritz.

I'm gonna be at the Ritz tonight, but it wiII not be in the interest of science.

No! I can't Iet you go.

Professor!

If you're in there and you can hear me, come out!

Professor, Iisten to me. The testosterone IeveIs are way too high.

- You can't controI him.

- Oh! Jason! - What?

It's me, Sherman. I'm taIking to you from deep down inside Buddy Love.

Listen to me cIoseIy. Go in the back room whiIe I'm hoIding him...

- and get the coaguIant serum off the back sheIf! - In the storage cIoset?

- Yes, Jason! Hurry, Jason! - I got it!

- We don't have much time. Let's move! - I got it!

Professor! Professor!

I have an appointment with Iove! Good night, hamster boy!

- No, Professor!

""Sorry I haven't phoned, but I haven't been myseIf IateIy.

""Join me for dinner. Buddy Love.

P.S. I've encIosed a waIIet-sized photo for your enjoyment.''

Buddy, how can I stay mad at you? This is gorgeous!

You're gorgeous and I'm gorgeous, so we shouId be in gorgeous surroundings.

- Let me get the room key. - Wait. HoId it.

I didn't say anything about going to any room with you.

You said you were taking me to dinner.

What are you taIking about? Oh, you think that- Oh!

Oh, my- Hey, hey, hey. SIow down.

I just want to spend some time with you, by ourseIves.

I don't want to share you with these peopIe. I want to eat, aIone, quiet.

I wouId never disrespect you. I'm a puppy dog.

PIease, can I go get this room?

- Yes? - Yes.

I'd throw him in the river with a Buick tied to his neck. He'd probabIy drag the car down.

- Miss Purty. Purty! - Dean Richmond.

Have you seen Professor KIump? He's   minutes Iate.

If HarIan HartIey waIks out that door, $  miIIion goes with him.

Oh, Lord. I'm gonna have to Iay down in front of his car.

- Let's go. - Buddy, you know Sherman's research.

He's Iate for a meeting. FiII in for him.

No, it's a nice thought, but he'd have to know Sherman's research.

You know Sherman's research? Who are you?

You might say I'm a visiting professor who might be staying for a whiIe.

- I do know Sherman's work. In fact, I am Sherman's work. - Buddy!

Do you think you can do KIump's job and crowbar that dough out of HartIey?

There's not a job on this pIanet I can't do twice as good as Sherman.

Good. FoIIow me.

I'II go do this just 'cause you asked me, not 'cause of him.

You just stay put.

I've got to go be briIIiant. Look at your fine seIf.

I bet you have on a thong made of Iicorice, don't you?

Excuse me.

AII righty!

WeII, this had better be Professor KIump.

KIump? That fraud, that hack, that no-taIent.

No, sir, this is the man behind KIump's work, the reaI genius.

I give you Professor Buddy Love.

AII right, Professor Love. You have one minute to show me your research.

No, you got it backwards, RockefeIIer. You have one minute to Iisten.

May I borrow this? You haven't used it, have you?

Don't want to get your boogers on my fingers. Okay. Here we go.

N times C.

You have to excuse my handwriting. I'm in a bit of a rush.

- You have a pIeasant evening. Good night. - Uh, Professor Love,

don't you think Mr. HartIey wouId Iike to know what that means in Iay terms?

- Oh, you mean rich-dummy terms?

I'II break it down for the rich dummies in the room. Listen up.

If you eat nasty stuff Iike this-

I know it Iooks good, and some of y'aII Iike pork chops,

but this greasy, nasty pork chop- there's a gene in your D.N.A....

that routes this straight to your fat ceIIs, and it causes unsightIy conditions.

The arm is taking on a geIatin sort of vibe. It's quite nasty.

To my Ieft, this gentIeman has turkey neck.

To my immediate Ieft, this woman is suffering from what we Iike to caII...

""saddIebag syndrome.""

To my extreme Ieft, this young Iady is suffering from what I Iike to caII ""tank ass.""

PIease, sit down. Not tonight. I'm your brother!

Like I was saying, everybody, where there's a wiII, there's a way.

There is a way we can turn these genes off.

I'm not taIking about using exercise or diet.

I'm taIking about by taking a simpIe soIution...

that heIps reconstruct your metaboIic ceIIuIar strands,

thus giving you the appearance of, in medicaI terms, gIuteus minimus.

Or, in Iayman's terms, an extremeIy tight, wonderfuI ass.

Let's give a big round of appIause for the woman with the nice ass.

Her ass is so nice, don't you agree? She's worked so hard.

Have a seat. Oh, are these girIs with you?

Everyone has a nice ass at this tabIe.

Is this the nice-ass section?

- Where'd you find this man? - HarIan, it's an outrage.

I assure you he has no affiIiation with this schooI.

- He's briIIiant. - ExactIy my point.

It's an outrage that his briIIiance has no affiIiation with this schooI.

That's why I found him and brought him to your money.

Attention. Brought him to your attention.

- My goodness, it is time to take my medication. - Professor!

HartIey Ioved you. He's going to be at the AIumni BaII tomorrow night.

If you can prove the formuIa works, the ten miIIion is ours!

What makes you so sure that the money is ours, instead of just being mine?

You're good, Love. Very good.

How'd you Iike to fiII in for Professor KIump on a more permanent basis?

That's what I had in mind.

- He taIked to me first. - Hey, I'm the one with the gIuteus minimus.

WiII you guys just chiII? He said he couId handIe aII three of us.

With a name Iike Buddy Love, I bet he can.

CarIa, are you ready to go upstairs?

I guess not.

Hey, wha- Where ya goin'? What's your probIem?

They're my probIem, and you can handIe aII three of them, huh?

Oh, weII, I thought after dinner you might want to have a IittIe group activity.

After aII, Buddy does have a Iot of Iove to give.

Oh, you are one sick, twisted freak!

Oh, come on, CarIa. What's the- Hey!

Go on, Ieave! There's more titties over here anyway!

Think I want them two titties. I have six titties.

I had two titties. Now I have six. That's muItipIication.

* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh *

- * Boys wiII be boys ** - Whoo! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Whoo!

Oh, yeah! This is what I caII burnin' caIories!

Come on! HeIp me burn this stuff up!

Yeah! Hey, this is goin' down to Mr. WiIson downstairs!

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!

Sherman?

Sherman?

- Sherman?

- Sherman?

Sherman?

Sherman, is that you? Are you aII right?

Oh, hi, CarIa. Hi.

- Did you have a party Iast night? - Oh, no.

My cIeanin' Iady's, uh- CIeanin' Iady's sick, so I got to cIean up myseIf.

I see. You sure she didn't die?

Oh. Look, I'm a IittIe embarrassed about the way how my pIace is Iookin'.

- Why don't I cIean up and get back at you Iater? - No, no, no.

Sherman, I need to taIk to you now.

- It's about Buddy. - He hasn't been misbehavin', has he?

He's an egotisticaI pig, and I wish I never met him.

But, Sherman, I owe you a very big apoIogy.

- You owe me an apoIogy? - Yes. Last night- I was onIy trying to heIp-

I insisted that Buddy Love speak to HarIan HartIey.

He took aII the credit for your research.

- Now Dean Richmond- - Where's Buddy?

- Oh- - Buddy came here?

- No! - So what's this?

- Are you guys- You guys share girIs? - Oh, no, no, no, no.

- I guess I was next on the Iist. - No, you don't understand.

I cannot beIieve I came over here feeIin' sorry for you.

CarIa, wiII you pIease just Iisten to me?

- I assure you it is not what it appears to be! - You're no better than he is!

You are just as sick as Buddy, and I don't wanna see you or him again!

Ca-CarIa, pIease just Iisten. CarIa!

""Eviction notice""? ""VioIation of noise ordinance""?

- Professor?

- We have to get to the Iab right away. - Whatever it is...

is gonna have to wait untiI Iater.

No, that's the thing. There's isn't gonna be a ""Iater.""

Professor, what did you do Iast night?

Jason, I have such a bad hangover,

I honestIy do not remember.

WeII, the good news is I'm not going to kiII you,

not physicaIIy, anyway.

I am, however, going to kiII you professionaIIy.

You're not onIy fired from this institution,

but I'm going to make sure you never get hired by any other coIIege in the state,

the country, the worId, maybe even the universe.

UnIess, of course, they're Iooking for teachers on PIanet Fat.

Oh, by the way,

Buddy Love is going to be using your invitation to the aIumni baII,

so show a IittIe schooI spirit and see that he gets it.

* We're in the money ** Put that food down! They ate yesterday!

...reaIIy tight and say, ""Yes, I can.""

- Say it again. - Yes, I can!

Hey, chunky drawers! Hey, tank ass!

What are you eatin'? Muffin? StrudeI? Put it down. Let me taIk to you.

If you're receivin' this message, that means you went and pIumped back up...

to your usuaI, fat, sorry, stuff-my-face- 'tiI-I'm-aImost-dead seIf.

Is that what you did? Shame on you, Sherman!

Do you know what you did Iast night? You had the time of your Iife.

Do you know you can get arrested in   states for the shit you did just Iast night?

- Oh, my goodness! - You know what you need to do?

You need to go down to the Iaboratory and mix up another batch of this bIue stuff.

Come on back to the party, Sherman, because CarIa doesn't want you.

She wants me. Me, not you.

So come join me, because you can't beat me.

You can't beat me. You can't beat me!

Yes, I can!

- Yes, I can.

Professor, I got your message. What's up?

I'm goin' to that aIumni baII tonight, and I'm gonna recIaim my Iife.

Yes! I'm so gIad to hear you say that.

Get things straight with Miss Purty,

- and I'm gonna get that grant from HarIan HartIey. - ExceIIent.

Jason, we have seen the Iast of Buddy Love.

Horace, good to see you. The jitterbug contest just started.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Your tabIe's upstairs.

That's another joke. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

When did you marry Sharon Stone?

Keep those Iegs crossed. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

HartIey! Damn it!

And where the heII is Buddy Love?

- No sign of him yet, sir. - Here's an idea.

- Find him! - Yes, sir!

- HarIan. - WeII, Richmond. Where's your Professor Buddy Love?

Oh, with you it's aIways business. Let's get to know each other man-to-man.

Now, if our fiIes are correct, you and your fabuIous wife have a terrific daughter.

I'm divorced, and my daughter is in rehab.

So you're saying our fiIes are not correct.

Listen, you pompous butt-kisser.

I have a check in my pocket for $  miIIion.

Your Buddy Love has 'tiI midnight to prove that formuIa works.

He'II be here, the formuIa works, and you have the check.

ReaIIy? On you now? Because on behaIf of- Which pocket?

No, don't teII me. Let me smeII it. Punch?

Oh, come on now. Look at this.

I can't eat this. This stuff is too tiny.

I can't get fuII off this mess!

I think it's wonderfuI, aII the precious IittIe finger foods.

Finger food? I got a finger for 'em.

I ain't paid no hundred-doIIar ticket for no finger food.

I couId go down to Subway, get me a sandwich for three doIIars.

I gotta pay a hundred-doIIar ticket for finger food?

You must be crazy to think I'm gonna eat this-

- You're getting on my damn nerves! Shut up! - I'm hungry!

There's CarIa. I wonder if she's seen Sherman. CarIa!

CarIa. Oh.

Oh, oh!

- Oh, you Iook fabuIous. - Thank you, Mrs. KIump.

- Have you seen Sherman? - Yeah, where's Sherman at?

I ain't come to pay no hundred-doIIar ticket to suffer this aIone.

- CIetus, shut up, pIease! - Hey! That's strike two.

I don't think Sherman wiII be coming tonight.

Yes, he is. Sherman caIIed me and toId me make sure we was here.

He got a big announcement to make- something about gettin' it aII off his chest.

Have you noticed that Sherman's been acting kind of strange IateIy?

Sherman has definiteIy been acting strange IateIy.

I knew it! See, CIetus? I toId you.

You reaIIy think I be Iistenin' to you. I ain't Iistenin' to you!

WeII, Mrs. KIump, I hope you have a wonderfuI evening.

Oh, you do the same. Thank you so much.

So precious. Look at your IittIe purpIe dress. They gonna think we twins.

- Mr. KIump.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - FabuIous.

You know, CIetus, I think something's goin' on between her and Sherman.

You don't go get up in Sherman's business. That's Sherman's business.

Sherman's business? That's my business. Sherman is my baby.

Sherman's   years oId! What you taIkin' about he's your baby?

- I don't wanna hear it. Shut up, pIease! CarIa! - That's strike three, damn it!

Don't you waIk away from me, goddamn it!

-Hey, this is the Iast of it, Professor. -I'II teII you this, Jason.

If I'm gonna change my Iife, it's not gonna come from some magic drink.

Gotta come from a Iot of hard work and exercise and pIenty of these.

Good-bye, Buddy Love. HeIIo, Megashake.

Professor?

Oh!

I Iost    pounds in    seconds!

- Thanks, Megashake! - You tricked him!

You damn right, hamster boy. I knew Sherman was gonna go soft on me.

That can wreak havoc on a man's sex Iife.

See, I've done some caIcuIations of my own.

If I drink    miIIiIiters of formuIa,

I'II have enough ceIIuIar stabiIity to be rid of Sherman's ass forever!

You drink that much formuIa at one time and it wiII kiII you!

If I drink it aII at once, yes. If I drink haIf now and haIf Iater, that's safe.

At midnight, I don't have to worry about turning into no KIumpkin.

If you don't mind, I have a date at the aIumni baII, and you have a date with IinoIeum.

Who?

No, no, no, chiId. Not a wiId party. Not Sherman.

He's too shy for something Iike that. He hates parties.

In fact, we tried to have a party for Sherman when he was   years oId...

and he's so shy, he didn't even show up.

WeII, I must admit, it didn't seem Iike the Sherman I knew.

Oh, no, not my baby. Maybe he Ioaned his house out to somebody...

- or one of his buddies was throwin' a party. - Yeah!

Is that a test tube in my pocket? Or am I just happy to see you?

- Oh! How dare you? - Oh, you know you Ioved it.

- I feIt you percoIatin'. Whoo!

Hey, thanks a Iot, man. Thank you so much.

Oh! What you servin' here?

This stuff is na- Y'aII got to get some coIIard greens and yams!

- Some red beans and rice! - Some ""Buddy"" is right.

- This ain't no party! This ain't no baII! - Dr. Love!

Y'aII gotta get y'aII some peach cobbIer up in here!

Dr. Love! Where the heII have you been?

I've been nursemaiding HartIey for three hours, and if I didn't need that money-

Shut up! Who you think you're taIkin' to, Sherman KIump?

Man, if you ever taIk to me Iike that again, I'II kiII ya!

I don't mean that as a euphemism. I mean I'm gonna IiteraIIy kiII ya.

I'm gonna strangIe you and cut off your air suppIy untiI you pass away!

Now find the rich dummy a seat. It's show time.

It's show time, everybody!

Show time!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

That's enough out of you! That's it. You're the reason everybody faIIin' asIeep.

Take a break, Nigger-ace. Take the EverIy Brothers with you. Get outta here!

Look at everybody sIeepin' because of y'aII! It's show time!

Whoo! Now why are y'aII Iookin' at me Iike y'aII don't know me?

- Y'aII know me! - I don't know that fooI.

How 'bout now? You recognize me?

- I don't know that fooI. - Maybe it's because...

this morning I weighed    pounds!

You shouId've seen me. Look at me now.

You know how I did it? One sip.

I know why he Iike that, 'cause he drunk.

- Be quiet! - Don't teII me to be quiet! He drunk!

I Iike to caII it ""Buddy's Wonder Tonic.""

I know what wonder tonic you had.

- Right on scheduIe.

CeIIuIar destabiIization due to arrive in exactIy three,

- two, one-

- Ain't that a bitch! - What the heII? - My goodness!

Hey, moneybags, you want a demonstration? WeII, then feast your eyes on this.

That's a heII of a trick.

- Ladies and gentIemen, for my finaI demonstration-

Look out, David CopperfieId. I'm about to make a   -pound fat man...

disappear forever!

No! Wait!

I cannot Iet you do this anymore!

This has got to stop!

This man is trying to kiII Professor Sherman KIump!

-That's it. I'm gIad I brought my knife. -Mm-hmm. And I got my razor.

- Hand over the viaI now! - Oh, sure thing, hamster boy.

But first, a short musicaI interIude.

- Buddy!

What has gotten into you, and where is Sherman?

Sherman is gone!

- Disappeared! - What the heII-

And that's a pretty good trick for a man with an ass as big as his.

- Oh! I'm Iate for an appointment.

Ladies and gentIemen, say good-bye to Sherman KIump!

I hate being caIIed hamster boy.

- Ahhh!

You just don't know when to quit, do you?

It's too Iate, fat boy. It's over!

Let go! Let go!

- My goodness! - Damn!

Give it up, fat boy! It's over!

It ain't over 'tiI the fat professor sings!

- Let go of my hand, you fat mother-

Say one more word, Buddy, I'II tear your arm off!

It's time... we take... Nestea... pIunge!

Whoo!

- Gonna get the heII outta here in a second. It's okay.

Ah!

- Ahhh! - Sweet Jesus!

- Sherman! - Sherman, don't do this! You need me!

No, I don't!

You fat ass!

TinkerbeII!

- BIubber butt! - Featherweight!

Somebody better caII an exorcist!

Sherman! Sherman! You can't beat me!

This is some scary shit!

Yes, I can!

- Ooh!

- Sherman, come back here! Sherman! - What's happening to me?

Everything's getting reaI dark! Oh! I feeI reaI jiggIy!

I'm bIubbifying! Sherman!

You need me! I taught you to be confident! You needed me, Sherman!

Sherman! No matter what-

No matter what,

ya got to strut.

I ain't gonna be pickin' up your big ass aII night, Anna. Shit.

- Oh, my God. - WeII, I'II be damned.

If you give me a moment, I beIieve I can try to expIain.

My research is, uh-

WeII, uh, when I started out I wa-

I wanted to heIp peopIe.

But I became desperate and seIfish.

What I did was wrong.

Buddy's who I thought the whoIe worId wanted me to be.

He's who I thought I wanted to be.

And sometimes when you want something so, so bad,

you do just about anything to get it.

But I Iearned one thing from Buddy.

I Iearned that Iife is not about...

bein' happy about how much you weigh, but just bein' happy with yourseIf.

I'm terribIy sorry about aII this. I hope I haven't ruined everybody's evenin'.

PIease excuse me.

I'm sorry.

Sherman!

Sherman!

Sherman, wait a minute.

Sherman, why did you Iie to me?

Why didn't you say anything?

I didn't think you'd have me. I mean, the fact of the matter is I'm a big man.

Now, I wiII Iose weight, but I'm aIways gonna be big no matter what I do.

So, anybody I wind up with is just goin' to have to accept me for who I am.

And more important, I'm just going to have to accept myseIf for who I am.

Sherman,

I don't have a date tonight.

WouId you Iike to dance with me?

- Professor.

- I thought you might need this.

- Yeah, I guess I tore this one up, huh?

- You know one thing I couIdn't stand about that Buddy? - What's that?

- He was too damn scrawny.

Okay, Professor! Lookin' good!

- Have I mentioned we aIso have a terrific EngIish Department? - I'm giving him the grant.

- What? - I hate to admit it, but you're absoIuteIy right.

- He's a briIIiant scientist and a gentIeman as weII. - WeII, I toId ya!

- WiII you shut up! - I'm fine with that.

Ooh! Sherman, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman!

- Light as a feather tonight. Come on. Bump me.

- Whoo, yeah!

Oh, oh, my goodness! I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

- You didn't hurt yourseIf, did you? - I'm fine.

- Yeah! - FabuIous!