It's Good to Be Queen

Wanna dance? - Like, gag me. - Grody. Sheesh! Uptown girls. Oh, come on, guys! No wet willies! I just Clearasilled my ears. Smith, relax. You look choice. So choice that Stacy Stanton wants to dance with you. The homecoming queen? I am so sure. Hey, I was, like, "no way" too. But she's saving the spotlight dance foryou. [ Gasps ] The spotlight dance? - It's all set, right? - It's gonna be just like in Carrie. [ Oinking, Squealing ] Pigs? Itwas supposed to be pigs' blood! - I didn't finish the book. - You stopped reading after the word "pigs"? That wasn't even the end ofthe sentence. You thinkyou're so cool! Well, in 20 years, I'm gonna come back here with my own homecoming queen and we'll have our spotlight dance! And I'll showyou! I'll showyou! And you! And you! And you! And you! And you! - Stan! Stan, wake up! - Huh? Oh, sorry. Must've zoned out. You just shotJackson eight times! [ Groaning ] Oh, my God,Jackson! Hang on, buddy! You're gonna make it! - [ Screams ] - Hey, Stan, haveyou seen my double? Ah,Jackson, thank God! Yeah, I just shot him. Ah, man! We were supposed to go on a dangerous mission to Pakistan! Hey, a human being just died here. Show some respect. Now, who had Jackson's double in the death pool? Uh, I had Markie Post. Wait. Is Markie Post dead? Somebody google Markie Post. - Are we thereyet? - No. - Are we thereyet? - No. - Are we thereyet? - Stan, you're driving. I'm just so damn excited about this high school reunion, Francine. - Why? It's my reunion. - Well, we missed mine, remember? It was already midnight before I realized we were at an insurance convention. [ Laughing ] BuckWilson. Now, there was a risk-management expert. But, honey, I don't get it. No one's gonna knowyou at my reunion. They don't have to know me. All they have to know is I'm the guy dancing with the homecoming queen under the spotlight. And no pig showers. [Pigs Squealing, Oinking] Boy, whoever adopted this part ofthe highway is really keeping it clean. Thanks, "Ku Klux Klan. " You know, before we fire off your dad's mortar maybe we should read the instruction manual. If a five-year-old Palestinian can figure it out, so can I. Water in the hole! - [WaterSplashing] - [Woman Screams ] [ Both Cackling ] Hey, ifwe got your dad's missile launcher I bet we can hit the house ofthe bully who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye. I wish I could get that guy back. I'd like to dress up like a girl and make him have sex with me then say, "Ha! I'm not a girl! You just had sex with a boywho hates you!" Yeah, let's keep that plan between you, me and the string oftherapists who won't be able to helpyou. - [VehicleApproaching] - Ooh, ooh, target- 1 2:00. What's your deal, bozo? We're humiliating you. I have no deal, friend because I knowyou soak not me but rather all those who've ever hurtyou. That's so true. We can at least take solace in the fact that there was nothing we could have done to prevent that. [ Gasps ] Oh, my God, Francine! You look exactly the same! So doyou, uh- uh- That's okay, Francine. You don't have to remember her name. You were the homecoming queen. Don't! Stan, I'll look silly. Ifby "silly," you mean beautiful, then yes, you do look silly. - Hell, you look downright retarded! - Stan. - Francine! - Quacky! [ Both Scream, Laughing ] Stan, this was my best friend in the whole world, Quacky. - Then how come you've never mentioned him once? - I mention him all the time. I even did that one-woman show called Mentioning Quacky. - Oh, yeah. I meant to go to that. - So who else is here? Um, there's Kenneth McTier, crack addict. Brian Miller, child molester. And Doug Ackerman- [ Whispers ] bald. Oh, my God! Is that Betty Sue? [ Quacky] Yup. Hard to believeyou almost lost homecoming queen to her. That's right. I only won by one vote. How could it be so close? She's so fat that- She's so fat that, uh- - Come on! You got to have one of these. - Huh. She's so fat that Rabelais documented her adventures with Pantagruel? Oh, damn! Oh, yes, he did! Apparently, Betty Sue was so devastated by losing homecoming queen she walked into a Dunkin' Donuts and never came out. And speaking of coming out, ta-da! So that's whyyou're so pale. This is the first timeyou've come out ofyour house. Welcome. This is a necktie, and that's a table. - No. I'm gay. - What? My gaydar is totally off. Damn! SkyMall screwed me again! Well, Quacky, I think it's fantastic! Stan, why don'tyou get us some drinks to celebrate? Okay. But when I go, he has to promise not to stare at my ass or become a schoolteacher! - I'm a bartender. - Uh-uh! Conversation's up here, sailor. Sorry my, um, warveteran uncle here blew upyour car. No matter. A car is merely a means oftransporting pizzas. Thankfully the pizzas survived, for they contain the dough oflife. I'm sorry. I drifted off. Areyou on Thorazine? What the hell? I mean, whatyear is it? Who's president? Roger! Mitch, ifyou can't finish your route, won'tyou loseyourjob? Perhaps, for lo, when a pie reaches not its destination a trust is broken forever. Yeah. Look, Kung Fu, I prefer my crazy in my bread. Hey, you can use my mom's car to deliver the pizzas! Hey, your folks left Hayley in charge. No way she's gonna let you loan your mom's car to this psycho. I'm pretty sure her mind is elsewhere. - What? - What? Has anyone seen the scuba diver that floats in mein tank? It's been two days, and I'm starting to get worried. [ Gasps ] Brownies! Oh, Klaus, no. D-Don't eat that. Why? [ Screams ] Gather round, everyone. The reunion committee has dug up the class time capsule. Jimmy Gillespie's parachute pants. Oh, and lookee here. The ballot box from the homecoming election. Hi. Stan Smith, married to the homecoming queen. Look for me tonight in the spotlight dance. This box is school property! [ Mocking Tone ] "This box is school property!" Oh, my gosh! What's this? Two uncounted ballots, both for Betty Sue. Well, that means Betty Sue won. How do you like that? I neverwas the homecoming queen. [ Gasps ] [ Gasps ] I'm gonna freshen up before the picnic. Why don'tyou helpyourself to the strawberries I ordered? - Oink, oink, Stan. - [ Gasps ] Guess you didn't marry the homecoming queen. Guess you still are the loseryou were in high school. You proved nothing to nobody. P. S. I charged a movie toyour room. - Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink! - [ Grunts ] I cannot wait for the big dance tonight. I feel like I'm 1 8 again. Get off ofthat! That's a queen-size bed. There are no queens here. Hello, Housekeeping? Can you bring us a runner-up-size bed? - Stan, what's the matter? - What's the matter? You're not the homecoming queen. I'm not gonna be the cool guy dancing in the spotlight! I'm just gonna be the dork by the punch bowl slumming with the Duchess ofSecond Place. You know what, Stan? Ifit's so darn- No. "Damn"! That's right. I went there. If it's so darn important foryou to dance with the homecoming queen why don'tyou just go with Betty Sue? I mean, you're acting like a- Stan? Someone order a runner-up bed? I came out ofthe bathroom, and he was just gone. Hey, I bet he went to pick up some flowers to apologize for the fight. - Excuse me. Coming through. - There he is with flowers. - Make way for the queen. - [ Gasps ] Oh, hello, Francine. You know my date, the homecoming queen. H. Q. -That's what I call her- H. Q. - H. Q., you know mywife, Francine. - I hope this isn't awkward. Awkward? Don't be silly. It was Francine's idea. I was being sarcastic! Or don'tyou get sarcasm, genius? Oh, I think I get sarcasm. And I'm hardly a genius, but still, thankyou. That's awfully sweet. You knowwhat? You two have fun at the dance! - You want to stay at my place tonight? - Thanks, Quacky. I'll never forgiveyou for this! Francine, wait. [ Sighs ] You are, without a doubt, the cruelest most disgusting excuse for a human being I have ever met! Look, Quacky, you and me? Not gonna happen, okay? I'm like candy to these people. One thing delivering pizzas has taught me - is that easy street isn't always the best route. - So true. Okay, Steve, when people start a sentence with, "What delivering pizzas has taught me" that's the go-ahead to tune out. - Steve, why don't you come with me on this one? - [ Gasps ] [ Rings ] Hey, Donnie Patterson lives here! He's the bully that beats me up! - So, dipwad's delivering pizzas now. - [ Whimpers ] - Mitch! - That pizza's not foryou, dipwad! - Sorry, sir. - Now, get in here and unclog my shunt! Now I understand. You give me the wedgies you wish you could giveyour father. [ Sobbing ] You know, I'm gonna kickyour ass on Monday for seeing me cry. And I'm going to letyou. So, wait. Luke would be on drums? Nein, nein, nein, nein. Luke would be on lead guitar, Chewie on drums and Darth Vader on bass. That would be the greatest concert of all time. Ja,ja,ja,ja. [ Chuckles ] Wait. What would Yoda play? Oh! I forgot about Yoda! [Weeping] Oh, Quacky, I'm fine. Listen, do you have any more Kleenex? By the bed? Okay. No, no. I won't look in the third drawer. That's because I'm not Peter Gabriel! I'm Gabriel Byrne! - Oh. - [ Screams ] Honey, forgive me. I was wrong. We don't need to go to the dance. The only reunion that's important is ours. Go to dinnerwith me, just the two of us. Oh, Stan! I'll be right down. - [Opens Drawer] - Oh, good Lord! - [ Squeals, Giggles ] - [Phone Rings ] Hey, Bill. It's Stan. Is mama bird in her nest? Roger that. You are cleared for takeoff. Good work. You're the best C. I. A. double ever. Just keep Francine away from that dance. Hi, Stan. Ah! Let's hit that dance, H. Q. - Are you ready to order? - Yes. I'll have- Please, please, allow me. The ladywill start with the nicoise salad, her favorite which she discovered herjunioryear abroad. I can't believeyou rememberthat! For her entrée, she'll have the pumpkin ravioli the same dish she ordered on their- our-our fourth date which took place October 1 7, 1 987. Wow! Stan, I'm impressed. Unfortunately, she didn't realize that her tampon had been in for two days which led to a mild case oftoxic shock. At 2243, she was rushed to the hospital by her roommate- and on one brave Saturday night, sexual partner-Jeanie Stone, who- Okay. Seeyou at dessert. Have the violinist play "Little Red Corvette. " You requested my favorite song? All right. Who areyou? And what have you done with my husband? Oh! A joke! [ Forced Laughing ] [ Forced Laughing ] That's a great story about being old and alone. It's likeyou've been walking around dead for 20 years and no one's had the decency to cremateyou and sprinkleyour ashes over Old Maid Mountain. - Wow! That's quite a line. - It's actually more ofan assessment ofyour life. I mean, the line to get in. Whatyou just said was emotionally devastating. [ Laughing ] I guess itwas. I guess itwas. But nowyou're the queen, and we've got a spotlight to dance under! - [ Grunting, Screaming ] - Thankyou for holding our place. - [Man] Hey! - I'm with the homecoming queen, and you know what that means. I know what it meant 20 years ago. But ifthat stuffis still important toyou, it just means you're a real zero. [ Laughing ] - What a douche bag! - Get a life, loser! Hey, I have a life! I have an important job, a house with a giant flagpole, a great kid, another kid and a beautiful wife who loves me and thinks I'm a winner! I have a great life! Oh, my God! I have a great life. So what the hell am I doing with this train wreck? Well, it's been fun. Do me a solid. Keep me out ofthe suicide note, huh? [ Clicks Tongue ] Thanks. Hey, you know what? I feel like dancing. Let's go to that reunion. No! I-I mean, I wantyou all to myself. Oh! Well, then let's go back to Quacky's. I feel like getting freaky. Third-drawer freaky! Okay. Let's go to the dance. Yeah, dancing's good. Great. Another delivery, another life lesson. Let's go, Mitch! No, Steve. You stay. I'd like Roger to join me on this one. What? No! I-I'm your disciple. You chose me. He doesn't even likeyou. I really don't. On your last delivery, I put a tack on your seat. But apparently, it just split the cheeks. Very disappointing. Oh, this is gonna be life changing. That was totally life changing! You're finally starting to get it, Roger. Hey, where's Steve? And the pizzas? - He has forsaken me. - [Thunderclap ] I was supposed to be his messenger, not Roger! How could he abandon me after delivering such wisdom? [ Sobs ] In 30 minutes or less! [ Crying ] Hi there. I'm dining with a beautiful woman somewhere in this restaurant. Could you ask me to discreetly excuse myself so I can have a word with me? I do not understand. You left 1 5 minutes ago with yourwife. - Oh, crap! Where'd I go? - The dance. The dance? But Betty Sue is there! What if she sees Francine with me and tells her I was just there with her? - [ Clears Throat ] - You want a tip? Don't wear so much cologne. Ha! Send them back. Send them all back. Whoa! Wait, how doyou play Monopoly backwards? - [Doorbell Rings ] - [Pounding On Door] Oh, mein Gott! Oh, mein Gott! Klaus, cool it! You're freaking out! It's the cops! Quick, flush me down the toilet! Hayley, let me in! I was led astray by a false prophet and I forgot my keys! Do you know what you've done? You got Mitch fired! Why, Steve, why? Because he chose you over me. Steve, the truth I offer isn't personal-pan-sized. I bring extra-large wisdom to your door, properly sliced that's enough for all mankind. [ Gasps ] You didn't fail me. I failed you. And I was canned foryour sins. But I forgiveyou. Wait, Mitch! Don't go! I needanotherslice oftruth! Oh, my God! He's gone. Yes, he is, Roger. But I have a feeling he'll be back in three days. Ah, your faith is so inspiring. No. I mean, he's got to move his car for street-sweeping. [ Slurring Words ] I've never been treated so bad mywhole life! You're filth! You're a horrible, terrible, horrible person! You know, you're a very attractive man. - Excuse me? - You heard me. You're a son of a bitch, and now I'm gonna kiss you! - [ Moaning ] - Stan, what areyou doing? Uh, Francine, I can explain. - Francine! - Stan! Stan? [ Groans ] There's four ofyou? That's it. I've had too much punch. I'm driving home. - Okay, bye. - Seeya. No one's gonna stop me? Well, go to hell! I hateyou all! It's been fun seeing everybody. What the hell is going on here? This is, uh- This is Bill, my C. I. A. double. - You have a double? - Yeah. Sometimes we need decoys for dangerous missions oryour parents' anniversary or Steve's baptism. You let me throw myself at a complete stranger? Not a complete stranger. We took that cooking class together. Look, I only did this 'cause I wanted to go to the dance with the homecoming queen and I didn't wantyou to be mad. That is so thoughtful. Come here. Now say good-bye toyour kneecaps, Stan! Honey, I knowyou're upset, but I also know you'd nevershoot an innocent man! - Damn it! Which one ofyou is Stan? - [ Both ] He is! Fine with me. I'll just shoot you both. Okay, okay. This has gone on long enough. [ Sighs ] Francine, I've been a fool. All this time I thought I was special because I married the homecoming queen. But turns out I was special because I married you not because of some stupid crown. Oh, I'm so sorry, honey. I loveyou so much. Nice try, Bill. Stan would never say anything that sweet. Ow! What the hell, you crazy bitch? Hey, Bill. Come on. That's mywife, man. Stan, did you really mean whatyou said back there? You'd better believe it, kiddo! - This is a magical night! - Mwah! I don't thinkwe can save the leg! Oh, no! Oh, God! ##['80s Rock] - Can I have this spotlight dance? - What? - I tipped the pilot to hover! - I can't hearwhatyou're- Dance with me, my queen! ## [ Continues ] Bye. Have a great time.
 * 1) [Marching Band] ## [ Singing ] ## [ Continues ] ## [ Chorus Singing] ## [Man Singing '80s Pop ] Shauna, looking rad tonight.
 * 1) [Rock] Stan? ## [ Singing Off-key] That sounds awful.
 * 1) [Rock] They say ifyou play it backwards you can hear the voice of a dead kid.
 * 1) [Dance ] Why doyou keep looking around? I'm not! How 'bout some punch? - Stan! - Huh! Where? Get out here, you jerk! You abandoned me at my own reunion! Abandoned you? Oh, thank God! He's not here.