Maxin' and Relaxin

(Episode begins with Mordecai and CJ on the cart listening to Tag Team's "Whoomp! (There It Is)" while Mordecai is driving.)

Mordecai and CJ: Whoomp, there it is! Whoomp, there it is! Whoomp, there it is!

Mordecai: Break down.

(Mordecai and CJ start break dancing and laughing.)

CJ: Fun fact about me -- I did a color-guard routine for this in the ninth grade.

Mordecai: Uh, fun fact about me -- this song was on a mix tape I made in the seven grade titled "Maxin' and Relaxin'". I was the master at mix tapes. I'd pick a title, then put together a perfect mix. Like "Good Vibes and High Fives", "TV Watchin', Pizza Noshin'", "Mad Schoolin', Straight Foolin'".

CJ: Wow. You were pretty cool, Mordecai.

Mordecai: Yeah, I was. (He grins)

(Mordecai stops the cart in front of CJ's apartment building.)

Mordecai: I'd play them for you, but the tapes are all at my mom and dad's.

CJ: Dude, we should listen to them!

Mordecai: Sure, I could get them tomorrow maybe.

CJ: I'd love to come along.

Mordecai: You... wanna...

CJ: Come along to your parents' house! We can get the tapes, I could meet your parents... (She gasps) I can meet your mom!

Mordecai: M... My mom?

(CJ nods her head.)

Mordecai: (Loudly and nervously) Ha-ha! I mean, why not? We've been going out for a few months now, right? Why wouldn't you want to meet my mom? I mean, it's not like I can keep my mom from you forever!

(Mordecai laughs nervously, then start hyperventilating.)

CJ: Great! (She kisses Mordecai on the cheek, then punches his shoulder.) Thanks for the dinner/movie.

(CJ gets out of the cart and runs toward her apartment while waving goodbye to Mordecai.)

Mordecai: Yeah. Can't wait for you to meet my mom!

(Circle-wipe to Pops' House. On the couch, Rigby plays a video game while Mordecai sits next to him.)

Mordecai: She can't meet my mom, dude.

Rigby: What's the big deal? Your mom's totally cool.

Mordecai: She's totally psycho.

Rigby: Whaaat?

Mordecai: She'd always go out of her way to embarrass me whenever I had a girl over.

Rigby: Yeah, but how many times did you have a girl over? Zero? (He stops plays the game) Was it zero times?

Mordecai: No! Remember Daphne Gonzales?

(In a flashback, teenage Mordecai plays a mix tape called "Studyin' & Buddyin' Vol 2", then sits on his bed next to Daphne Gonzales.)

Daphne: Music?

Mordecai: Uh, yea-ah.

Daphne: (She covers one of her ears) It's loud.

Mordecai: (He covers one of his ears and talks over the loud music) Uh, so what did you get for question 12?

(Mordecai's mom kicks the door open and enters with a plate of snacks.)

Mordecai's mom: Hey, kids! Sorry I had to kick the door open. I-It was closed for some reason. (Laughing) This music! What's going on, a dance party?

(Mordecai's mom starts dancing and moves toward the bed. Mordecai covers his face in embarrassment.)

Mordecai's mom: Come on, Mordy! Shake what your mama gave ya! Your butt, Mordy! I'm talking about your butt!

Mordecai: What do you want, Mom?!

Mordecai's mom: I made some snacky-wackies for my wittle study buddies. Pigs in a blanket and, uh, prunes. (Whispering to Daphne) The prunes are for Mordy, hon. Keeps him regular.

Mordecai: Mom!

Mordecai's mom: What? It does.

Mordecai: Ugh! Okay, Mom, fine! Just leave now, alright?! Gosh!

Mordecai's mom: (She sets the plate down on a table) Okay, okay, Mordy. I'll leave. It's just... (She turns to face Daphne with teary eyes) Daphne, thank you.

Daphne: Uh, for what?

(As Mordecai's mom speaks, Mordecai shakes his head for her to stop talking.)

Mordecai's mom: For being the first girl Mordecai's ever brought over! (She picks up a video camera) It's going on the tape! So tell me -- how do you like studying with my son? Tell me for the tape.

Daphne: I gotta go!

(Daphne picks up her school bag and bolts out of the room. Mordecai collapses onto his bed in a fetal position, his face completely red.)

Mordecai: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(The flashback ends.)

Rigby: So that's why Daphne wrote "I hope you're still eating your prunes, ha-ha!" in your yearbook.

Mordecai: Molly Sherman, Bernice Chan, Sasha Diaz -- none of them lasted a day with my mom.

Rigby: (He goes back to playing a game) Sounds rough, man.

(Circle-wipe to Mordecai's dad William's home office. As he drinks coffee, his phone rings. He answers.)

William: Well, if it isn't my favorite and only son.

Mordecai: Uh, hey, Dad. I'm thinking about coming by the house with my girlfriend so I can grab one of my old mix tapes.

William: Girlfriend, eh? I'm sure your mom will love that.

Mordecai: That's kind of the problem. She gets weird when I bring girls home. It's embarrassing.

William: Wait. You've brought girls home? How many times?

(Mordecai makes a stoic, unamused face.)

William: Was it zero times? Anyway, I know Mom can go overboard sometimes, but I'm not sure what you want me to do about that.

Mordecai: Just... Is there a time I can come by when Mom won't be home?

William: Well, she does have Punchercise tomorrow night, but--

Mordecai: Look, I know it's messed up, but please don't tell her we're coming.

William: Uhp, uhp! I can't lie to that woman. Haven't in 25 years. Except if she asks if she could still pass as a college student. Then you lie. Otherwise, no lies!

Mordecai: Just don't tell her!

(Title card: THE NEXT DAY. Mordecai and CJ enter his parents' house.

Mordecai: Dad, we're here!

William: Ah, there's my boy!

(Mordecai and William share a hug.)

Mordecai: Ha. Hi, Dad.

William: And you must be CJ. I'm William.

CJ: Nice to meet you, sir.

William: Please, call me Will. "Sir" is my boss's name. Unfortunately, Mordecai's mom isn't around at the moment.

Mordecai: (Faking disappointment) Mom's not here?! Darn it! Life's so unfair! Oh, well. Next time or whatever. Anyway, I'm just gonna run up and grab that tape so we can--

(The front door suddenly bursts open.)

Mordecai: Aah!

(Mordecai's mom enters wearing exercise clothes and carrying dumbbells.)

Mordecai's mom: Where's my little champion?

Mordecai: Mom!

(Mordecai's mom runs up and hugs him.)

Mordecai: (Strained) You're home!

Mordecai's mom: Of course I am. You don't think I'd miss my handsome gent coming home, do you? And when your dad told me you were bringing a new sweetie over, I decided to take the afternoon Punchercise class so I could run right home to see you two.

(Mordecai glares at William, who then shrugs.)

William: 25 years, no lies.

Mordecai's mom: (Looks at CJ) And you! Wow! Gorgeous!

CJ: Yup. I'm smart and funny too.

Mordecai's mom: And modest. She's the whole package. (She puts an arm around Mordecai) Mordy, tell me you and this bombshell will be staying for dinner.

Mordecai: Uh, actually, we were--

Mordecai's mom: Pshaw! I insist! Besides, I already whipped up something special before Punchercise. You two sit tight. It'll be ready in a jiff.

(As Mordecai's mom passes by him, she playfully kicks him in the butt.)

Mordecai: (Bitterly) Can't wait.

(Mordecai and CJ go upstairs.)

Mordecai: Sorry my mom's so weird.

CJ: She's totally sweet.

(They enter Mordecai's old bedroom.)

Mordecai: Here's my room.

CJ: Whoa. Yup. Yup. You can tell a lot about a man from the room he grew up in.

Mordecai: Anyway, I think my mix tapes are in the closet.

(Mordecai opens his closet door and fishes around for the mix tapes, but he doesn't find them.)

Mordecai: Hmm, they aren't here.

Mordecai's mom: (Calling out from downstairs) Mordecai! Mordecai, I need you right now!

Mordecai: Ugh! I'll see what she wants.

(In the kitchen, Mordecai's mom is cutting carrots.)

Mordecai's mom: Mordecai!

Mordecai: (Comes down the stairs behind her) What? What is it, Mom?

Mordecai's mom: Is CJ a vegetarian?

Mordecai: That's what you called me down for? No, Mom. No, she isn't.

Mordecai's mom: Oh, good! She can have some of my prized meatloaf.

Mordecai: Can you just be normal?

Mordecai's mom: Normal?

Mordecai: Yeah, normal! Ever heard of it? Let's not go nuts here, okay?

Mordecai's mom: Don't worry. Let me show you the dessert.

(Mordecai's mom shows him a cream pie topped with berries; the berries spell out CJ's name. Mordecai gasps in mortification.)

Mordecai's mom: See, the berries spell out--

(Mordecai quickly eats the dessert with his hands.)

Mordecai's mom: Hey! Stop! What are you doing?!

Mordecai: (With his mouth full) Sorry. It just looked so good, you know? I couldn't wait. You've still got it, Mom.

Mordecai's mom: You're lucky I have... a backup!

(Mordecai's mom shows him a gelatin in CJ's likeness; it has grapes for hair, pineapple slices for eyes, and a dot of whipped cream for a nose.)

Mordecai's mom: Think she'll like it?

(Mordecai's mouth hangs open in shock.)

Mordecai's mom: It was hard to get all her features. Gelatin is such an unforgiving medium. But luckily, I got a bunch of her photos off the internet.

(Mordecai races up the stairs and into his room.)

Mordecai: CJ! CJ! We got-- We gotta go!

CJ: What? Why?

Mordecai: We just gotta! Before--

Mordecai's mom: (Calling out from downstairs) Dinner's ready, kids!

Mordecai: (He sighs) Never mind.

(Title card: 2½ HOURS LATER. Mordecai, his parents, and CJ are at the dinner table.)

William: He kept running and running.

Mordecai's mom: And he shoots the ball into the other team's basket!

(Mordecai's parents and CJ laugh while Mordecai hides his face and pounds on the table.)

Mordecai: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mordecai's mom: (Laughing) Oh, memories. I've been collecting them, you know, CJ.

CJ: Yeah. (She playfully elbows Mordecai) I'm collecting a few interesting ones myself.

Mordecai's mom: No, I mean on tape. It's called (Echoing) "Mordy Moments".

(The screen zooms in on Mordecai's mortified face. In a flashback, Mordecai sits next to his dad, his uncle Steve, and his aunt Maxine while his mom holds a video cassette labeled "Mordy Moments".)

Mordecai's mom: Okay, who's ready for some "Mordy Moments"?

(Mordecai's mom puts the cassette in the VCR and joins her family on the couch.)

Mordecai's mom (on tape): (Imitating fanfare) Bum-da-da-bum! Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-buuuum! "20th Century Mom" Presents Mordy Moments!

(In the first scene, kid Mordecai gets tangled up in a Slip 'N Slide.)

"Slip 'N Slide" Mordecai: Yea-ah! Ohhhh! Ahhhh!

(Mordecai's parents, uncle, and aunt laugh while he watches in utter shock. In the next scene, young Mordecai is Peter Pan in a school play.)

"Peter Pan" Mordecai: Just think a happy thought, and you can fly too!

(When he jumps, his harness malfunctions, giving him a bad wedgie and fell. Uncle Steve is so amused, he does a soda spit-take. In the next scene, infant Mordecai is covered in spaghetti and meatballs.)

Baby Mordecai: "Pasghetti" everywhere!

Mordecai's mom (on tape): "Pasghetti" on your tushie!

(In the next scene, teenage Mordecai is playing saxophone in a marching band. When his pants fall down, he trips, falls on his face, and his mouthpiece gets stuck in his beak. As his parents and relatives laugh, Mordecai blushes. As he slides onto the floor, the flashback takes a disturbing turn, with Mordecai's parents and relatives towering over him in deep, distorted laughter. The flashback ends.)

Mordecai's mom: You remember that tape, Mordy?

(Mordecai's parents and CJ look at him.)

Mordecai: Oh. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Mordecai's mom: You know, you two should stay for a bit longer. We could eat the special dessert I made for CJ, then we could watch the tape!

William: Now where did I put it?

Mordecai's mom: I think you put it in the basement.

Mordecai: (Quickly gets out of his chair) I'll intercept-- I mean, look for it. (He runs out of the kitchen.)

Mordecai's mom: CJ, you're in for a real treat.

(Mordecai goes into the basement and finds a cardboard box labeled "Mordy's Stuff".)

Mordecai: Yes!

(Inside the box, Mordecai finds both his "Maxin' and Relaxin'" mix tape and the "Mordy Moments" video cassette.)

Mordecai: Jackpot.

(Upstairs, Mordecai hears the others talking.)

CJ: So why do you guys have so many prunes again?

Mordecai's mom: Once Mordy brings up the tape, I'll show you why.

Mordecai: Sorry, Mom.

(Mordecai tries breaking the tape with his forehead, but he only hurts himself.)

Mordecai: Aaaahhh!

(Mordecai then tries breaking the tape by throwing it against the floor, but it bounces across the room and into a VCR. As it begins playing, spirits fly out of the TV screen. Mordecai runs away, but the spirits shove him back onto the floor.)

Mordecai: Where's the mix tape?

"Slip 'N Slide" Mordecai: Oh, you mean... this mix tape?

(A ghost of young Mordecai tangled in the Slip 'N Slide holds up "Maxin' and Relaxin'".)

Mordecai: Hey, give it back!

(Mordecai tries to take the tape back, but "Slip 'N Slide" Mordecai throws it over to a ghost of teenage Marching Band Mordecai.)

Mordecai: Aah! What the heck?!

(Marching Band Mordecai then throws the tape over to a ghost of "Peter Pan" Mordecai.)

Mordecai: Who are you?!

("Slip 'N Slide" Mordecai, Marching Band Mordecai, and "Peter Pan" Mordecai stand side by side.)

Mordecai: Whoa... You're all me!

"Peter Pan" Mordecai: Brilliant. Grab him!

("Slip 'N Slide" Mordecai and Marching Band Mordecai shove the real Mordecai into a chair.)

Mordecai: Ugh! Get off!

(Mordecai is tied to the chair by a watering hose.)

Mordecai: Aah! Aah! Help! CJ! Mom!

"Peter Pan" Mordecai: Pfft! Yeah, right. Why would Mom want to help you after tonight?

Mordecai: What does that mean?

(Marching Band Mordecai plays a low note on his saxophone.)

"Slip 'N Slide" Mordecai: Yeah. It means that while you were busy looking for your dumb little mix tape, we put together a little mix tape of our own.

(The TV screen plays back several "Mordy Moments" from earlier in the evening.)

Mordecai's mom (on tape): Stop!

Mordecai (on tape): Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mordecai (on tape): Can you just be normal?

Mordecai's mom (on tape): Normal?

(The TV turns off.)

Mordecai: Alright, fine. I admit I haven't been super nice to Mom tonight. But of all people, can't you guys understand? She humiliated us! She put our most embarrassing moments on tape, and now you're stuck like this forever!

"Peter Pan" Mordecai: You have to learn to let go, dude. Embarrassing moments make us who we are. The problem isn't that we're stuck like this on "Mordy Moments". (Points to Mordecai's head) It's that we're stuck like this in here.

"Slip 'N Slide" Mordecai: Besides, Mom can be really cool. Remember after I got caught in the diving slide?

Mordecai: Oh, yeah... To make me feel better, she took me out for the biggest sundae I ever saw. I guess that was really cool of her.

(The Slip 'N Slide stuck around "Slip 'N Slide" Mordecai unravels.)

"Slip 'N Slide" Mordecai: I'm free!

Mordecai: Yeah. She had to pull a lot of strings to find a good doctor to remove that saxophone.

(As Marching Band Mordecai plays a note on his saxophone, the saxophone vanishes.)

Marching Band Mordecai: Yea-ah!

"Peter Pan" Mordecai: And after the play, she hunted around for weeks to find me a new pair of rocket-ship underwear.

Mordecai: Aw, man. You guys are right. Mom's totally rad, and I've been a complete jerk to her all night just because I wanted CJ to think I was cool.

("Peter Pan" Mordecai's harness disappears, dropping him to the floor.)

"Slip 'N Slide" Mordecai: Dude, CJ does think you're cool. (He frees Mordecai from his watering hose binds) But girls don't dig guys who are jerks to their mom.

Mordecai: You're right, guys. Thanks. I needed that.

"Peter Pan" Mordecai: Glad to help, bro.

"Peter Pan" Mordecai, Marching Band Mordecai, and "Slip 'N Slide" Mordecai, : See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!

(The three ghosts of Mordecai's past vanish.)

Mordecai: Heh. I guess that stuff is pretty funny.

("Maxin' and Relaxin'" and "Mordy Moments" appear in front of Mordecai. He leaves the basement, and his mom walks up with the CJ gelatin in her hands.)

Mordecai's mom: Mordecai? Did you find "Mordy Moments"?

(Mordecai shows his mom the "Mordy Moments" cassette.)

Mordecai's mom: Oh, good. Come on. Everybody's in the living room. Uh, Mordy, we don't have to watch it if you don't want to. Is it embarrassing for you? Do I embarrass you?

Mordecai: Mom, you don't embarrass me. I've been acting totally crazy. Sorry about being a jerk tonight.

(Mordecai and his mom share a hug.)

Mordecai's mom: Aww. My little boy could never be a jerk.

(Mordecai and his mom join CJ and William in the living room.)

William: Well, look who it is. You found it?

Mordecai: Yup.

Mordecai's mom: And here's dessert! (She sets the gelatin down on the table)

CJ: Wow! It's like looking in a jelly mirror.

Mordecai's mom: Oh-ho-ho-ho! This one's a keeper, Mordecai.

Mordecai: Okay, okay, everybody, settle down. Welcome to the 10th annual screening of "Mordy Moments". I need everybody to turn off their cellphones, and no food or drink in the theater -- except Mom's dessert.

(Mordecai's parents and CJ laugh.)

Mordecai: And I'm gonna need everybody to sign a nondisclosure agreement.

(Mordecai's parents and CJ continue laughing. Mordecai joins in the laughter and plays the tape before sitting down next to CJ.)

Mordecai's mom (on tape): (Imitating fanfare) Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-buuuum!

(CJ leans on Mordecai.)

CJ: This is way cooler than a mix tape.

Mordecai's mom (on tape): ..."Mordy Moments"!

(Behind the couch, the three ghosts of Mordecai's past look on before disappearing.)

"Slip 'N Slide" Mordecai: Yea-ah! Ohhhh! Ahhhh!

Baby Mordecai: "Pasghetti" everywhere!

(Mordecai, his parents, and CJ laugh as the episode ends.)