When Rita Met Runt

WHEN RITA MET RUNT -- Written by: SHERRI STONER Directed by: MICHAEL GERARD Animation: FREELANCE ANIMATORS WOMAN 1:Thank you; keep the change. [Inside] Excuse me. I have to - uh - give uh - return uh - RITA:  Spit it out sister. WOMAN: TAKE THIS CAT! It's just not working out. I thought I would like having a cat, I really did. I thought she would be good company, I need that. I just went through a horrible breakup. RITA:  Huh,  eww-man. WOMAN 1:It's just ... she's so independent. She would just sit and stare at me, you know, like she was better than me or something. You understand, don't you? I want a pet who'll come when I call, and cuddle me when I've had a bad day. RITA:  Have a kid, lady. [Next scene] WOMAN 1:[On television] RUNT:  Woof woof, ruff ruff ruff. MAN:   Slow down! Slow down, will ya? RUNT:  Ruff, ruff. Pant, pant, pant. Ruff! MAN:   I spent 700 bucks trying to potty train this dog, and he still won't        go on the paper, ya know? My kid really wanted a dog, but, but, this ... thing, has eaten every pair of shoes I own, and he       completely destroyed a $4000 pure teak timber kids' playset. He chewed it to bits! Ohh, I hate dogs! RUNT:  Gosh, what a nice guy. {Runt theme, slow version} RITA:  Who's there? RUNT:  Where? RITA:  All right bub, who are ya? RUNT:  My name's Runt. But my master calls me stupid -- what a nice guy! Uh, who are you? RITA:  Name's Rita. First time in the joint? RUNT:  Yup. RITA:  What'cha in for? RUNT:  Wetting on the carpet. You? RITA:  Same as always, being too hip for the room. RUNT:  Oh. [Musical interlude with the Warners running in the rain] {Parody of "Singing in the Rain"} RUNT: RITA:  Oh, here comes our ticket to freedom. Make with the sad eyes. WOMAN 2:I'm looking for something cute; something independent. Oh, that's       it!! Oh-ho-ho, it's adorable! Oh, oh, oh, ohhhh! Come to mama. RITA:  Humans. Go fig. RUNT:  Yeah, ain't they great? Who else would adopt a rat? [Rita scratches "HUMANS STINK" on the wall] RITA: Ah, what difference does it make? Soon we'll be sleeping the big sleep. RUNT:  Yawn. I could use a nap. RITA:  They're gonna gas us you baffoon! We'll be dead! RUNT:  I don't think I'm that tired. RITA:  You're not a very smart cat, are you Runt? RUNT:  [Pause] Nope. RITA:  Well, at least you're honest. [She stretches] What's a        human good for anyway?

Runt: They pet you when they're sad Rita: They smack you when you're bad Runt: When you're hungry they definitely feed you. Rita: Yeah, on vacation they leave you with hardly no food. Ring a bell, dude? (Runt looks under dish and sighs) Rita: Exactly my point. Rita: Humans ain't what they seem to be      They don't mean that much to me       No, not much at all. When you're little and tiny They pet your cute hiney But then when you grow It's a simple no-show It's "shoo shoo off this" And "don't you dare scratch on that" If they call you at all It's always "dumb cat." Humans ain't what they seem to be      They don't mean that much to me       No, not much at all. But when it's all dark and quiet I try hard to fight it      But I dream of home Then I won't have to roam Someone to feed me and put me to bed And scratch me just so on top of my head. But I ain't gonna love 'em      Not gonna answer that call 'Cause humans don't mean that much to me      No, not much at all. (bars fall away)

RITA:  Sigh. [Bars fall off window] Who knew? [Sticks paw out to Runt] Hey, uh -- it's been nice making your acquaintance. {Auld Lang Syne} RUNT:  Um, if I made it, I'm glad it was nice. RITA:  Uh, hey -- If you ever need anything, just whistle. [Runt whistles 'Pop goes the Weasel' as she leaps] Me and my overused cliches. [She picks the lock to her cage] Let's assume the apparent; you want me to bust you out, and if I       don't, it'll play on my conscience like an out of tune accordion. Okay. But once I spring ya, you're on your own. I don't know you, you don't know me, deal? RUNT:  Woof! {Music} RITA:  "Woof"? You're a... DOG! RUNT:  So are you. You're a good dog, Rita. A really good dog. {Where, oh where has my little dog gone} RITA:  I-am-a-cat. RUNT:  A cat? A cat?! Where?! Where's a cat?! Where's the furry feline?! I'll chomp it to bits! Grrr, grrr, grrrrr.... RITA:  Oh never mind. Let's amscray! R.& R.: Uhh! CATCHER:Break it up! Troublemakers, huh? Looks like I'll have to       separate you two. RUNT:  Woof! [Jumps on the catcher] {Music} [Rita and Runt escape] CATCHER:I hate government jobs. RITA:  Hey Lassie, you can stop now. HEEL BOY! {Runt theme} [On the telephone post] Unhh, dogs. [On the ground] That was a pretty chivalrous thing...you did...        back there. RUNT:  Really? Gee, I-I'm sorry. RITA:  Listen, whaddya say ... we pal around together for a while? You know, at least till we find a home. RUNT:  That would be terrific. RITA:  But, when we each find a home, I don't know you, you don't know me, deal? RUNT:  Uh, I don't have any cards. RITA:  Hit the road, Einstein. RUNT:  Hey Rita, look at all the trees, would ya, huh? RITA:  What have I started? RUNT:  Do other dogs know all about these trees? Hmm, huh, do they? I mean, this is incredible. Smell this one, Rita. This smells like cheese, definitely a cheese tree.... BARBER'S CHAIR RETURN - Animation: TOKYO MOVIE SHINSHA {Animaniacs Theme} CREDITS ======= Rob Paulsen......................Yakko, Dr. Scratchansniff Jess Harnell.....................Wakko Tress Macneille..................Dot, Hello Nurse, Woman 1, Woman 2 Frank Welkner....................Runt, Ralph John Rhys-Davies.................Tympannini and Bernadette Peters............as Rita Jeep Driver -- Kathryn Page - End Tag: Y,W,D: Goodbyyye, Nurse! - Copyright (C) 1993 Amblin Entertainment & Warner Bros. Animation All rights reserved