The Skywalker Incursion


 * (The ending scene of Amy in her bedroom seeming to be quite upset at something)
 * Sheldon: (runs into Amy's bedroom in a panic dressed up the Fourth Doctor Who) Amy, the Daleks are right on my tail. Quick, we need to reset the time circuits. Oh no, I left my sonic screw driver behind.
 * (He exits Amy's bedroom in hurry shutting both doors behind him, Amy now thinks to herself).
 * Amy: Really should have thought this through.


 * Sheldon: What do you say to a graduate of the UC Berkeley physics department? I’ll have fries with that. Because his education hasn't prepared him for a career in the sciences.


 * Sheldon: In fact, if you’d like to celebrate will a little music; I would be okay with that.
 * Leonard: Wha-a-a-t? This road trip just got crazy.
 * Sheldon: Play that funky music, white boy.
 * Leonard: I’m surprised you know that reference.
 * Sheldon: What reference?


 * (The garage scene at the Wolowitz house)
 * Bernadette: So I put stickers on everything we’re going to sell. We just need help taking it out to the driveway.
 * Amy: Can I be in charge of pricing? I've been going to garage sales my whole life. Would you believe I got this pair of panty house for a nickel?
 * (Amy snaps her panty house for a second)
 * Howard: All right. Amy is in charge of pricing and being seventy-five.
 * Raj: Hey, Penny, can you give me a hand with this?
 * Penny: Sure. Oh, we had one of these growing up. I used to play all the time.
 * Raj: Oh, yeah? I love Ping-Pong.
 * Penny: Oh, I meant beer pong.
 * Amy: I had a table, too, but I didn’t have any friends, so all I did was serve.
 * (Bernadette grins at Amy whilst holding the box)
 * Bernadette: You know, you can leave one side up and play against it.
 * Amy: And if I had a friend, they might have told me that.
 * (Bernadette smiles crossly and walks away from Amy)
 * Howard: Excuse me. Why is there a sticker on this? It’s my TARDIS from Doctor Who. I was planning on moving it in the house.
 * Bernadette: I think you just answered your own question.
 * Howard: (he is not happy) Come on, one day, this may double in value and be worth half what I paid for it.
 * Bernadette: (suggesting sweetly to Howard) Sweetie, we have a lot to do. We don’t need to decide this right now.
 * Howard: Well, I guess as long as you’re keeping an open mind.
 * Bernadette: Of course.


 * Sheldon: You know, we won’t be very far from Skywalker Ranch.
 * Leonard: Oh, this is true. It’s not like we can get in there.
 * Sheldon: Why not?
 * Leonard: I don’t think George Lucas put his headquarters in the middle of nowhere because he wanted people dropping in.
 * Sheldon: Yoda’s swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tattooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That’s code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in.
 * Leonard: We do have time. I mean, we could drive by and look at it.
 * Sheldon: Yes. I’m so excited. And I just can’t hide it.
 * Leonard: I’m about to lose control and I think I like it!
 * Sheldon: What are you talking about?


 * (The ping pong scene at the Wolowitz house where Raj and Penny are having their serves. Bernadette is walking up with a tray of glasses and a jug of red punch. Howard and Amy are sorting out stuff in the garage)
 * Penny: So when do you guys think you’re gonna move in?
 * Howard: We’re still figuring how much remodeling we want to do.
 * Bernadette: (speaks to Howard crossly) It’s tricky finding the right balance between tasteful modern and Jewish mother tchotchke crapfest.
 * Amy: Have you made a decision about the TARDIS? I think I can sell it if we call it Big British Porta-Potty.
 * Howard: We’re not selling it, it’s mine.
 * Bernadette: (distracts Howard crossly) You can’t just decide. How about I arm-wrestle you?
 * Howard: That’s not fair. It’s like me challenging you to a sexy pants contest.
 * (Bernadette puts on a sniggering smile)
 * Raj: You could play Ping-Pong for it.
 * Howard: I would do that.
 * Bernadette: (asks and informs him crossly) How is that fair? You grew up with a table.
 * Howard: Yes, but I mostly used it as a battlefield in an ongoing war between the Transformers and the ThunderCats for control of a bra I had found in the woods.
 * Penny: Bernadette, for every episode of Doctor Who Leonard has made me sit through, I will play on your behalf and send that TARDIS back to Gallifrey, (she's now fierce) where I hate that I know it belongs.
 * (Scene of Bernadette holding a glass of punch)
 * Bernadette: (with a shifty giggle) Yes, Penny plays for me.
 * Howard: That’s not fair, she has upper body muscles.
 * Raj: Dude, three-time Sanskriti School for Well-Born Boys badminton champion.
 * Howard: That’s right, okay, Raj can play for me.
 * Amy: Ooh, you just chose champions. It’s like we’re re-enacting the ancient German practice of trial by combat.
 * Penny: Yeah, it’s also like when the Mountain fought the Red Viper in Game of Thrones.
 * Bernadette: Leonard makes you watch that, too?
 * Penny: No, no, I like that show. It’s got dragons and people doing it.
 * (Amy just looked grumpy by all of this)
 * Howard: So it’s settled. The fate of Doctor Who’s TARDIS will be decided by a Game of Thrones inspired death-match on the battlefield of ThunderCats versus Transformers.
 * Amy: If you still have that bra, I’ll give you a nickel for it.


 * Sheldon: There it is. It’s just a gate. On a road.
 * Leonard: Wasn't even that hard to find.
 * Sheldon: This is so amazing!!
 * Leonard: I know!! Do you want to get a picture?
 * Sheldon: I want more than a picture. I want to go in.
 * Leonard: Well, so do I, but they’ll never let us.
 * Sheldon: Is that the attitude that helped you get Penny?
 * Leonard: No, but I don’t have three years to make that gate feel sorry for me.


 * Sheldon: All right. We have defeated the first challenge. Now, we must steel to face the monster who defends the gate.
 * Leonard: We’re trying to pass the security guard, not rescue Zelda.


 * Sheldon: Shedding the yoke of my oppressors, you blind sad little man.
 * Guard: Don’t move. Code A-A-23. A-A-23.
 * Guard 2: Copy.
 * Sheldon: I can see the ranch, Leonard. Oh, it’s rustic. It’s lovely. I’d take a picture, but people are chasing me. I’m gonna make it! I’m gonna make it! The have Tasers, but they won’t dare use… (Screams!)


 * Howard: Come on, Raj. You are the King Kong of Ping-Pong. You are the menace of table tennis. Put her away, ’cause I don’t have a third one. Yes. Woo.
 * Amy: Rajesh eight, Penny four.
 * Penny: Sorry, he’s really good.
 * (Bernadette slams the Ping-Pong table for a second with her hand crossly)
 * Bernadette: Hey, Raj.
 * (Raj looks at Bernadette)
 * Bernadette: (she asks Raj crossly) if Howard can’t keep the TARDIS, how great would it look at your place?
 * Raj: What?
 * Howard: Yeah, what?
 * Bernadette: (she now has a cunning plan) I don’t know much about Doctor Who, but if, um, you were to put this right outside your front door and open up the back, it would be like your entire apartment was the inside of the TARDIS, (Scene of a puzzled Howard and Raj) which is pretty cool ’cause on the show, (Scene of the cunning Bernadette) the inside of the TARDIS is bigger than the outside. (She now slams the TARDIS door cunningly) But then again, I don’t know much about Doctor Who.
 * (Bernadette's cunning speech is now over)
 * Howard: Don’t listen to her. You and I go way back, we’re like brothers.
 * Raj: We are. We are. Oh, no. What a terrible serve. Sorry, brother.
 * Amy: Eight-five.
 * Howard: This is ridiculous. I want a new champion. Amy, were you serious about being able to serve?
 * Amy: Uh, it, it’s been a long time. I don’t know. I’m probably pretty rusty.
 * Penny: Wow.
 * Howard: She’s my champion.
 * Bernadette: (she is so very cross with Penny) Well, if you can switch champions, so can I. I want Raj.
 * Penny: Hey.
 * Bernadette: (she yells at Penny crossly) Oh, come on, like you even care.
 * Penny: I care. Oh, wait, no, I don’t. Good luck, Raj.
 * (Bernadette now smiles at this)
 * Howard: You know, I thought our friendship meant more to you.
 * Raj: So did I.


 * Sheldon: Do you think they’re gonna call the police?
 * Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe they’ll call Imperial officers to take us to a holding cell on the Death Star.
 * Sheldon: Oh, I think that’s below the pay grade of an Imperial officer. Storm troopers are really the ones who…
 * Leonard: Oh, shut up.
 * Geeky Guy: He’s right. Uh, Stormtroopers actually combine both the function of infantry and military police.
 * Leonard: Uh-huh, I’m normally very nice, but you shut up, too.
 * Sheldon: So, what are you in for?
 * Geeky Guy: Honestly, I just wanted to meet Mr. Lucas and say thank you. You know, growing up, the movies had such an impact on my life. I never really fit in anywhere. Till I discovered the worlds he created and finally found a place where I belong.
 * Sheldon: But why are you here?
 * Geeky Guy: Oh, I, uh, I hopped a fence, and they caught me in the sculpture gallery making out with a Chewbacca statue.
 * Sheldon: Excuse me. (Sheldon now walks up to Leonard) Leonard, they have a sculpture gallery.
 * Security Guard: All right, I talked to my supervisor, and we’re gonna let you go with a warning. But if you ever come back, we will call the police and press charges.
 * Leonard: We understand. Thank you so much.
 * Geeky Guy: Uh, what about me?
 * Security Guard: No, you’re not going anywhere, kissy face. Let’s go. I have to take your picture to post at the guard gate.
 * Sheldon: Uh, one question about that picture. Can it be with George Lucas? Ooh, grumpy you are.
 * (Sheldon exits and the security guard follows him out)


 * (The scene of the final Ping-Pong game at the Wolowitz house)
 * Howard: Okay, this is the match that decides it all. First to 11 wins. Serve switches every five points.
 * (Bernadette is now very cross by Howard's idea about the TARDIS)
 * Howard: And just so you know, when this started, I was going to put the TARDIS in a discreet corner of the house, but I’ve since turned mean, and now it’s going right in the middle of the living room on a rotating platform with a sign that says suck it. (yells to Amy) Game on.
 * Bernadette: Except, Raj is gonna win. Isn’t that right, Raj?
 * Raj: Uh, yeah, I mean, her serve was pretty good.
 * Bernadette: (She is now really angry with Raj) Come on, get in her head. Be intimidating.
 * Raj: Okay, uh, I’m gonna own you, bitch.
 * Penny: (shocked) Whoa.
 * Howard: (quietly) What?
 * Bernadette: (shockingly cross) Hey.
 * Amy: (angry) That’s not nice.
 * Raj: Let’s just play.
 * Howard: One-zero. Two. Three. Four. Five-nothing.
 * (Bernadette now turns enormously cross by this)
 * Howard: Wait, did you play badminton or sad-minton?
 * Bernadette: (she is still very cross with Raj) Don’t listen to him, all she’s got is a serve. (Scene of the unhappy Amy and pan back to the completely angry Bernadette) Now, grab a fresh tampon and put her away.
 * Raj: What, and that’s not offensive? Where’s the line?
 * Penny: (she snaps loudly at Raj) It’s in your purse. Play.
 * (Howard smiles shiftily, Amy warms up, Raj hits the ball and it bounces to the ground)
 * Bernadette: (out of vision) One-five.
 * (Raj hits the ball again and it bounces to the ground again)
 * Bernadette: Two-five.
 * (Scene of Amy struggling to get the ball)
 * Bernadette: Three-five.
 * (Raj hits the ball and Amy misses the ball)
 * Bernadette: (out of vision) Four-five.
 * (Scene of the ball bouncing to the ground and pan to Bernadette yelling with excitement)
 * Bernadette: Five-five.
 * Howard: Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten-five.
 * Bernadette: Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten-ten.
 * Amy: Well, that was an exciting 40 seconds.
 * Howard: It was, and now the serve is back to you, and the game is over.
 * Bernadette: (she suddenly has a thought) You know, Amy, I, uh, can’t help but wonder how Sheldon would react if the TARDIS was at your place.
 * Howard: Don’t listen to her, just hit the ball.
 * Amy: Keep talking.


 * (The scene of the six gang members with the TARDIS attached to wall outside Amy's bedroom)
 * Bernadette: If this doesn’t get him into your bedroom, (opens the doors) nothing will.
 * (Bernadette and Amy smile with excitement. Howard, Penny and Raj don't seem too pleased)


 * (The scene of Leonard and Sheldon climbing the last few stairs to their apartment)
 * Sheldon: Are you still mad at me?
 * Leonard: Yes. We missed our lecture, we were almost arrested and you got me locked in a room with a man who forced his tongue down the throat of a stuffed Wookie.
 * Sheldon: Boy, some folks are just glass half-empty.
 * Leonard: The glass is empty, Sheldon. It’s completely empty. If you gave to a man who was dying of thirst, he would be dead. Do you know why?
 * Sheldon: Before I answer, was he a smoker? I think you’re looking at this all wrong.
 * Leonard: Fine, then tell me how I should be looking at it.
 * Sheldon: Well, not only did we go to Skywalker ranch, we got in. And no one we know can say that. And for all the times you find me irritating, today you got to watch someone shoot me with a taser.
 * Leonard: That part was pretty good....
 * Sheldon: See?
 * Leonard: You did flop around a lot.
 * Sheldon: I’ll take your word for it. I was too busy trying not to defecate.
 * Leonard: You know, when they were escorting us to the detaining room I looked through a door and I’m pretty sure I saw a display case with the Ark of the Covenant.
 * Sheldon: That’s amazing.
 * Leonard: I know.
 * Sheldon: And I also saw Jabba the Hutt riding by on a motorcycle. Although that was right after the tasing so you can say for sure?
 * Leonard: I-I guess this could count as an adventure.
 * Sheldon: It was. And even though we’re not allowed back there, they can never take the day away from us. Unlike my sense of smell, which hasn’t returned since the tasing. (Sniffs scented marker) No, I got nothing.