Purple Rain-Union

(rock music playing)

♪ Yeah! ♪ ♪ Yeah! ♪

We're Bad Hair Day!

Thank you!

Wow!

(laughs)

Okay.

I think we know the winner of this talent show.

But we have one more band. Uh...

"The Ta-Ta's"?

Give it up.

Um, hello. Hello?

(microphone feedback screeching)

(monotone): ♪ We're the Ta-Ta's ♪ ♪ And we're gonna rock ya ♪ ♪ We like to cha-cha and eat frittatas... ♪

(crowd booing)

(mumbling)

Boy: Bring back Bad Hair Day!

Oh, my face!

Linda: Yeah.

Uh-huh. Wait.

You want us to do what?!

No, no, no.

No way.

Debbie, no! De...

I said no, Debbie!

Good-bye!

What is Debbie's problem?!

And who is Debbie?

She's organizing my 25-year high school reunion.

Why does that make you so angry? Dish, girl.

Because she wants my high school band to play there, and I don't want to be humiliated all over again!

Right. Your reunion.

So, are we going?

Are we not going?

I mean, I'll do whatever.

Eh, I don't think I want to go now.

Oh, thank God!

I'm confused.

Why wouldn't they get the other band?

You know, the one that totally dominated you guys at the talent show?

What were they called?

Bad Hair Day?

Aah!

Don't you speak those words in this house!

Bad hair day. Doo!

Bad hair day. Gah!

Bad hair day.

Dat!

If you must know, Louise, we were not Debbie's first choice or second or third.

I think her exact words were, "I am desperate and out of ideas."

Eh, I wouldn't read too much into that.

Mom, time-out.

This is your big chance.

Don't hide your Ta-Ta's under a bush.

You've got to get the band back together and play at the reunion.

Tina, shush!

Sorry, but reunions are horrible.

High school is horrible.

I mean, it'll be fine for you.

Oh, good.

Guess Dad doesn't want to go.

Look, it was fun when we were just making up songs in Angie Moscatone's garage, but then it was horribly ruined forever.

Like three out of five of my sexy parts after I had kids.

Destroyed.

(groans)

Bad Hair Day.

Whoa! Go wash the bathroom floor!

What? No! I don't...

Go wash it!

We never wash floors!

You scrub it!

(scoffs) Play at the reunion. (scoffs)

Who wants to be in a band anyway?

Like I need to be laughed off the stage again.

♪ No, thank you ♪ ♪ No, thank you! ♪

God, I sound good!

Nobody sounds good in the shower!

♪ I'm a Ta-Ta and I'm gonna rock ya ♪ ♪ I'm singing from the heart ♪ ♪ I still got two out of five, I still got two out of five ♪ ♪ I still got two out of five sexy parts! Whoo! ♪

Can you believe we laughed at her at the talent show?

We must be idiots.

They were all idiots!

I'll show 'em!

Bob, I changed my mind.

I want to go to the reunion now.

Tina: Yeah!

Louise: Yeah! (whoops)

Bob: Crap!

Way to go, Mom!

Celebration flush!

(toilet flushing)

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Buckle up, kids. Time to get the band back together.

♪ We got Angie on the drums ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪ ♪ We got Patsy on the bass ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪ ♪ Nancy on guitar ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪ ♪ And the last one is your Aunt Gayle ♪ ♪ And I know she's gonna say yes ♪ ♪ 'Cause she always loved this band, and she's my sister! ♪

No. Oh, come on! Why not?

Because you never let me sing any of my songs!

That's because your songs were all so, uh...

(whispers): Sexual. Pardon?

And you had a serious speech impediment.

I know. I wrote a song about it called "Ge-Ge-Ge-Ge, Ge-Ge-Ge-Ge, Ge-Ge-Ge-Ge, Genitals."

Derek Dematopolis will be there.

Oh. Derek Dematopolis.

Oh, oh.

Tina: Who's Derek Dematopolis?

Linda: Gayle had a crush on him all through high school.

Gayle: He was a Greek god.

At least he wasn't a Roman god. Those guys are jerks.

Okay, I'll do it if I get to sing one of my songs.

Ooh... ooh... ooh...

Okay, fine!

Yay! The Ta-Ta's are back together!

(whoops)

Wait. Why are you looking at me like that?

What's wrong?

Is this a bad idea?

No. He likes it.

I... I don't know.

He's smiling.

He looks worried.

Gene: He's on board.

You, look at me now!

We have come too far for you to ruin this.

Oh, no. You know what?

He just has to poop.

I'll do it. (cheering and whooping)

Yay, Ta-Ta's! Oh, God. He's going.

Everybody stay calm. (yells)

Linda: And... one, a two, a three, a four.

♪ And I just want to know... ♪

Gayle: Uh, Linda?

When are we going to practice my song?

Gayle, I'm singing here!

Hello!

Yeah, okay, well, maybe I'll sing my song quietly underneath.

Ugh.

Wow, a real band rehearsal.

You guys, we can be groupies!

Gene, who's your favorite?

Nancy, 'cause she brought guacamole.

Mine is Mom, and not 'cause I'm biased.

It's just I like her energy.

How about you, Louise?

Gosh, it's hard to choose.

They're all so cool.

Uh, Lin?

What?!

Sorry, it's just, people are complaining.

Too bad!

You know, they want to know if you guys can maybe try tuning up again.

Or...

No!

...just play on the beat and just do it right?

No!

All right.

Okay, we're losing customers.

Good-bye. And a one, two, three, four, go!

Do what?

Let's rock!

I need my sticks.

Are we starting?

(groans)

Uh, Linda? Linda?

What, Gayle?

When... (whispering): When are we doing my song?

I found my drum sticks.

Good. Listen, ladies, we got to blow the roof off of that reunion!

So let's stop fooling around and turn this band into a lean, mean, mom-jeans revenge machine!

Yeah!

Mom jeans!

Wait. Mom, now your energy is sounding a little negative.

Tina, shush!

And a one two, three, four!

(band playing loudly)

Linda: Yeah! That's it! Yeah!

Oh, boy.

Linda: Bob!

Come on, we're gonna be late for sound check!

Bob: Just a minute!

What are you wearing?

What? It's my rock-and-roll clothes.

Are you a rock-and-roll hobo?

Ugh, I can't believe we don't get to see this freak show with our own eyes!

Yeah, sorry.

This is a grown-ups thing.

It's rated R for "really boozy" starring me. (laughs)

Good one, Mom.

Hey, I've got something that'll turn those upside-down smiles back the right way.

Me as your babysitter. Yay!

Um... Tina, about that... Yeah?

(doorbell rings)

Hello.

Mother, what is she doing here?

Uh, Honey, you're a great babysitter for, like, uh, short bursts.

You're like a cheetah.

Okay, a cheetah.

So far, so good.

But, uh... but we're gonna be gone a long time tonight, so we need a long-haul sitter.

The-the boring, old, long-haul sitter.

Sorry, Jen.

What?

Is this 'cause last time I let Gene eat all the Chunky Chocolate Shim Shams and he threw up in your bed?

Yes.

And I'd do it again!

Bob!

Bob: I know!

What's going on in there?

I can't go.

Why?

I have a problem.

I told you, wipe front to back!

No, it's... this.

(screaming)

Get it out.

Get it out.

Oh, my God.

Dad's nose got a nipple!

It's a pimple, and it's hideous.

Look at it!

It's staring right at me!

Look, when I walk to the side of the room, it follows me!

Are you guys done?

No!

Okay, you've had your fun, all of you.

It's not fun.

It's humiliating.

I hate high school!

Were you messing with it? No.

Oh! Oh, God!

(grunting)

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Maybe a little.

God, can a pimple have two heads?

I can't go. I can't go outside like this!

Try putting masking tape on it.

Some silly putty.

I did that.

Quit stealing my thunder, Bobby.

This night isn't about your disgusting zit.

It's about me and my big comeback and this jacket.

I just want that thing out of my house!

Fine, I'll go, but we're stopping to buy more concealer on the way.

You're all out.

I used a lot.

If they ask, Dad, you're an autumn.

All right, I'm gonna hit the head. See you in a bit!

Linda, you're here.

Hello, Debbie.

Well, I tried to be a good organizer, I did, but I-I... yeah, I couldn't get Bad Hair Day.

Da-da-da. You're not gonna regret this, Debbie!

No. I mean, I think I will, but...

♪ 'Cause we're here to rock! ♪ ♪ I'm gonna be like Carrie up on the stage! ♪

But hopefully less blood.

(laughs)

Um, did you say "Carrie"?

Yep. ♪ Bye, Debbie.

♪ I'll see you inside! ♪ (whoops)

"Pat lightly with finger to blend."

Whoa! (laughs)

Hello, handsome.

Jen: I spy with my little eye something brown.

Is it a babysitter who stabbed a fellow babysitter in the back?

Huh? Huh? Is it?

Uh, no.

It's the couch.

Oh.

Yeah, that is brown.

Um, uh, I'm gonna go... check the pantry, not look for Shim Shams. Bye.

Come on! We should be at the reunion!

Watching the train wreck of all train wrecks!

Come on, Jen, buddy, you got a car, right?

You got a license.

You like adventure, huh?

You want to please us, right, huh?

What do you say we drop in?

Just one quick drink, we're out of there.

Oh, Jen, think how many things you could spy at that reunion.

Green things, purple things, bright things, dark things!

Come on, Jen!

I spy reunions!

Um, I'm really trying to honor your mom's instructions.

"I'm really trying to honor your mom's instructions."

(whispering): I'm mocking you.

Listen, whatever she's paying you, I'll double it, then divide it by ten.

No, no, 20.

No. Where are the Shim Shams, Jen?!

I know you're hiding them!

Tell me!

(mutters)

(goofy, high-pitched yelling)

Whoa.

Sorry, I'm... extremely ticklish.

I'll say.

Interesting.

Hi. Derek Dematopolis.

Oh. Hi. Uh, Bob Belcher, Linda's husband.

Your, uh, nose is about to fall into your drink there.

What?

Is that makeup?

No. Uh... yeah, it is. Thanks.

Sorry about that.

It's, uh, makeup.

Wow, you've got quite a pimple there.

Yeah, it's pretty bad. Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

It's okay.

I'm a dermatologist.

Derek Dematopolis, the dermatologist?

Yup. Wow.

That is, uh...

What?

That is really...

Well, it's throbbing.

Yeah, it's been really bad for...

Yeah. Does it hurt when I do this?

Ow! Yeah, it does.

That hurts a lot.

Did it hurt?

Yeah.

You know, Stacy works at a spa.

Hey, Stacy!

Oh, no, no, I don't want to make a big thing...

Stacy!

Ugh!

Hello. Oh, my God, look at that. Yeah.

(whistles) Huh? Yeah.

(laughs)

That's my pimple.

Phew! Bet you'd love to get a whack at that thing.

Ho, ho! You know who should see this, though, is Tonya.

Bob: No.

She might have some samples.

No, come on.

She's-she's in pharmaceuticals.

Yeah.

She's got the good stuff.

Tonya? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Get over here.

Get a load of this!

Tonya. Tonya! Did-did all of you get jobs in skin care?!

No, I do hair plugs.

Here's my card. Thank you.

Okay, guys.

This is how we're gonna get to the reunion.

I don't know.

She seems really ticklish.

It's weird.

At least she didn't fart.

When I get tickled, I fart, but that's me.

Tina, the girl took your job!

Make her armpits regret it for the rest of their lives!

Hey, Jen. Hi.

Hey, Louise.

Do you want to do something?

I have pencils in my purse.

Oh, wow.

That's fun.

You know, we do want to do something.

Okay. We want you to drive us to the reunion, Jen.

And if you don't, you're gonna get the human feather duster.

That's me.

Uh...

And you're also gonna tell us where the cookies are!

And you're gonna let me eat them all and throw up wherever I want! Aah!

You probably shouldn't tickle me.

Oh, playing hardball, huh?

Tina, give her a little taste.

Oh, really, guys.

(screams)

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Uh-oh.

Hello, alumni of Cardinal Gennaro High.

I hope everyone's having a good time, and if you're not, I'd like to see you organize something on this budget, in this time frame.

It's been really hard.

All right, we're about to go on, so, set list.

We'll start with "We're the Ta-Ta's" and then we'll go right into "You Were All Wrong About Us" and then "Oh, Boy, You All Got So Fat."

And then my song?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, if we have time.

Everybody ready?

Feel pumped?

Do you feel pumped?

I feel bloated.

Good... use it.

So, yeah, divorce is hard.

But you know what?

You get up in the morning and you... what?

(gasps)

Oh, my goodness.

Recent developments to announce.

We thought they couldn't come, but they're here... our very own Bad Hair Day!

What?

Gah!

We're back where we started.

It's like the talent show all over again, huh?

First place... took home the gold.

And then our next gold was a gold record!

♪ Have a PhD in rock and roll... ♪

(sighing)

(muttering)

So, they're gonna go on first 'cause they've got a packed stadium show to get to, and then you can follow them.

That sound good?

First the famous girl band, then you guys.

(muttering)

Great. BHD!

BHD! Linda, come on, get into it.

(growling)

BHD, BH...

Ow, ow, ow.

♪ My family is my guitar... ♪

So, just hold this pad here?

Oh, wait, let me take a "before" picture.

I want to show someone at work.

Oh, no, no, no...

Got it.

Ah, okay. Oh, my God, what's that?

I should go check on that thing I just saw.

Hey, hey, where you going, where you going, where you going?

Hey, hey, to Bob's pimple.

Both: To Bob's pimple!

Hey, what are we toasting over here?

Oh, my God.

♪ 'Cause we won the talent show... ♪

(groans)

Hey, Linda, about my song...

Not now, Gayle.

Do you know how to juggle fire?

What if, while I'm singing, I throw you a torch?

Oh, will you shut up about your stupid song?

Your song's out.

We're not doing it.

What?

You said I could sing it.

Yeah, well, that was before B-Bad Hair Day showed up.

Your song would just make it worse.

(gasps)

My cat was right about you.

This reunion's made you nuts.

I quit.

Oh, fine, quit.

I'm gonna go fill my purse with food and then write some graffiti about you in the bathroom and then wait in the car for you to give me a ride home.

Jen: This is bad.

Babysitters aren't supposed to give kids black eyes unless...

Yeah, no, they're...

No, no, no, they're not.

I'm going to get fired.

What'll I do?

You'll probably have to leave town, work on a shrimp boat, call yourself JJ.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No one has to know about this if you take us to the reunion.

But won't your parents see the black eye?

Hmm, all right, there's only one solution.

We all have to have black eyes.

Jen has a black eye.

Tina has a black eye.

Gene has a black eye.

I have a black eye.

Who did it?

Nobody knows.

"How'd you get your black eye?"

"I don't know."

"How-How'd you get your black eye?"

"What, do I have one?"

"Yeah."

Oh, my God, what happened?

I guess a black eye fairy came and kissed us all on the eye.

Wait, what?

But if Jen gets in trouble, I get to be babysitter again.

I'm back, baby.

No, no, no, Tina, Tina, we need leverage here.

(sobbing)

(sighs)

Damn this big heart of mine.

I guess Jen shouldn't get fired.

Well, then it's time for some punch!

(cheering)

Thank you, little people!

We're not gonna stay and mingle!

Good night!

Whoo!

Good luck, Tay-tas.

Ta-Ta's!

Right, right, right.

Give it up for Bad Hair Day.

How can you top that?

You can't.

And next up, the Ta-Ta's.

Linda, come on.

Gah, dah, gah.

Yeah, Ta-Ta's, whoo!

Oh... drunk.

Linda.

Patsy: You should go out there.

Linda.

Get out there.

Come on, Lin, rock and roll!

Uh...

(stammering)

(laughter)

(stammering)

Uh, be right back.

(stammering)

Linda, are you okay?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

All right, uh, DJ?

Get out here, pizza face.

Uh, no, thanks.

Ah, get out here.

No, I can't, I-I should check on my wife.

Come on, it's your night.

Ha-ha, it's not really.

Ha, nah, I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to the pimple.

Okay.

(high-pitched): "Okay, I'm coming."

(sobbing)

All: Go, pimple, go, pimple, go, pimple.

(sobbing)

That stupid... nothing...

Uh, Jen, we're gonna need to hang a little U-ey.

(sobbing hysterically)

Hello, Mother, we'd like to give you a ride, but you look crazy.

What? Where are you going and, and what happened to you?

We all got punched, no one knows how, life's funny that way. The end.

I still don't get our plan.

Shush, Tina.

Gah!

Anyway, Mom, where are you going?

Yeah, what happened with the band?

Oh, it was a disaster.

Bad Dah Dah came and played and blew everyone away.

(groans)

We would have been laughed off the stage just like back then.

So you left?

Yeah.

You're a runaway Ta-Ta?

Yeah...

You look like you could use some Shim Sham crumbs.

Here you go.

Oh, oh, that's good, it makes... it's good.

Linda. Linda, listen.

Huh?

Linda, listen.

Wha...?

Huh, what?

Linda.

What, Jen?

Your band is probably bad, but I don't let it bother me that I'm not a good babysitter.

I have no chemistry with children, I don't know how to use a "mick-rowave,"

I don't know what "bath time" means, but I do it 'cause I love it.

Maybe you should think about that.

Ah...

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Derek, I'm reeling you in, buddy!

(Derek and Bob laughing)

It's a fish!

Linda!

What?

Why are the kids here?

Do they all have black eyes?

It's babysitter stuff, Dad, get over it.

Yeah, it's above your pay grade.

Uh, okay, I want to come back to that 'cause none of what you just said makes sense, but first I want to talk to your mother.

Lin, I know you're nervous about going up there.

I-I was nervous about my pimple, but I was brave and I came here anyway, and I'm having the time of my life, so...

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I already got the inspirational speech from Jen.

Okay? That's all right, I'm fine.

Oh, all right, well, I'm gonna go back with my friends, then.

Hello, hey, everybody, uh, sorry for the delay.

So we're gonna play for you, and, uh, not all those songs I wrote about how fat your butts got because this shouldn't be about revenge.

It should be about having fun.

Sure, we might suck.

We might be total crap, right, girls?

Band: Uh...

But that's okay.

We're doing it 'cause we love it. Whoo.

And, uh, hey, uh... shush, shush... listen, I got something else to say.

Back when this was just for fun, when it was just us girls, there was someone who I loved to sing with more than anyone else, and that's my sister Gayle.

Hmm?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to all you guys.

This Ta-Ta has been a real boob.

So, uh, our first song is by Gayle.

Let's hear it for her... Gayle!

(gasps) Really?

Yes.

Oh, God, Linda, thank you so mu...

My song, I get to do my s...

Gayle, get up here quick while I got 'em warmed up.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Okay, okay, okay.

Here I come, aah.

Let's go.

♪ Derek Dematopolis ♪ ♪ Your neck hair makes me weak Hey, that's you. ♪

Yeah.

(grunts)

♪ Won't you enter my Acropolis ♪ ♪ And make my yogurt Greek? ♪

Ooh, that's...

Hmm.

♪ Derek ♪ ♪ Derek ♪ ♪ Let's you and me make a we-union ♪ ♪ Derek, Derek ♪ ♪ Let's you and me make a we-union ♪

Linda and Gayle: ♪ Tonight...

♪ I-I

♪ Tonigh... ♪ ♪ I... ♪ ♪ I... ♪ ♪ ...ight... ♪ ♪ ...ight ♪ ♪ Tonight... ♪ ♪ Night... ♪ ♪ I-I... ♪ ♪ Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Tonigh... ♪ ♪ I-I-I-I-I-I-I... ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ Night ♪

Gayle (whispering): ♪ Tonight.

(sobbing): Yes!

Yes...!

Wow.

Oh, thank you.

Angie, hit it.

♪ I still got my sexy parts ♪ ♪ Well, I got two out of five ♪ ♪ I still got two out of five... ♪

Linda: Bye, Jen. Bye, girls.

Oh, that was fun.

(chuckles, whoops)

Oh, Bob, your zit.

I know, best pimple ever.

Okay, if you think that thing is coming home with us, you're crazy.

I hope it never leaves!

No, I have to pop it for my sanity.

Sit back down.

Don't... get off me.

Hold his face.

I'm gonna give it a black eye!

Gene, get your hands off me.

I'm gonna go left and put pressure on the left side!

Don't touch it!

Tina, pressure on the right side.

Get your hands off me!

Hold his face, hold it tight!

Ooh, it's so weird!

One, two, three!

(all grunt) BOB: Why am I all wet?

Gene: Oh, my God.

Bob: Why am I all wet?

Tina: I'm sorry, Dad.

Bob: Lin, pull over, pull over.

Linda: Ah, quit being such a baby, Bob, and wipe the windshield... it's gross.

(Bob groans)

I wonder what happened to Gayle.

I guess she got a ride.

(both moaning)

Ow, ow, ow, you're pulling on my neck hair.

It's mine now.

(both laugh lasciviously)

♪ This is down here but it should be up there ♪ ♪ This is kinda loose and I think it might tear ♪ ♪ This is lumpy ♪ ♪ And it's dumpy ♪ ♪ This is saggy ♪ ♪ And it's flabby ♪ ♪ When I bend down, I pee a little bit ♪ ♪ But it's not bad ♪ ♪ Not bad for havin' three kids ♪

Or three cats.

These are the ones from the song.

The song's about them... my kids.

♪ Not bad for havin' three kids ♪ ♪ Drum, pop, drum, pop ♪ ♪ Not bad for havin' three kids. ♪