My Fair Aladdin

(Setting: the desert, at night. A cold wind is blowing, and two nomads are sitting under a grove of trees, huddled around a fire for warmth.)

Nomad 1: The last of the wood…

Nomad 2: But we will freeze! We must have fire!

(A giant mechanical centipede comes over a sand dune, shooting fire from its mouth and headed towards the nomads. They scream and run away.)

(Setting: the next day, at the palace, in the dining room. Seated around the table are the sultan, Aladdin and Jasmine, Iago, and several guests, all dressed in fine clothes. One guest, Daru, is speaking.)

Daru: All art is a revolt against man's fate.

Jasmine: Perhaps. Although I adore art, I prefer nature.

Daru: Mm, nature itself is but art, unknown to thee.

Aladdin: Huh?

Iago: The perfection of art is to conceal art.

(The other guests mutter to each other, clearly impressed.)

Daru: Who am I to carry on? I of course am not an artist, but a humble businessman.

Iago: Ah, but then the business of Agrabah is business!

(The guests laugh.)

Jasmine: That's right, Daru. It's merchants such as yourself who have made Agrabah so prosperous.

Aladdin: Um, I'm an adventurer, you know! Just the other week I fought a giant dancing rhinoceros!

Daru: (sarcastically) Fascinating, whatever did you do?

Aladdin: It was him or me! (climbs up on the table) I drew my sword. We fought! (picks up a ladle and pretends to fight Abu, who is holding a spoon. He almost hits one man and knocks food out of another's hands.) Ha! Thrust!

(Jasmine starts to giggle, but stops when she sees how angry Sultan looks.)

Aladdin: (knocking over an oil lamp) Whoops.

Sultan: My word!

Aladdin: Abu, water!

(Abu throws a jug of water, but it misses the fire and hits two guests. Aladdin pulls the flaming tablecloth off the table, splattering food on the other guests. He then starts to beat it with a pillow until it goes out.)

Aladdin: Uh, gee, sorry about that!

Jasmine: Oh…

Daru: I'm sure the world is a safer place thanks to your… heroics.

(Aladdin turns bright red.)

(Setting: that evening, back at Aladdin's hovel. Aladdin is still moping, while Abu tries to comfort him.)

Abu: Oh, it's okay…

Genie: (emerging from his lamp) Howdy, kids! Oh, you wouldn't believe where I've been! This delightful little bistro in the Jurassic era. Just before the aliens left the Earth. The… hey! Hello! Why the long face? Things can't be that bad.

(Abu chatters something to Genie.)

Genie: What?! In front of the sultan and all those big shots?! Oh, how humiliating! How embarrassing! How… eh… like I said, it's not that bad.

Aladdin: Jasmine must think I'm an oaf. She's so cultured and I'm so… common. So vulgar. So… unsophisticated.

Iago: Philistine. You left out philistine.

Aladdin: Why can't I be more cultured, like Daru?

Iago: Well, this is your lucky day, kid! I can teach you culture!

Aladdin: (skeptically) You?

Iago: Piece of cake!

Abu: (sarcastically) Oh, wow!

Iago: Literature, art, education… don't need 'em, because I know the shortcut!

Aladdin: The shortcut?

Iago: Two simple rules. One: never get your hair mussed. Two: quote things.

Aladdin: But my hair's always a mess!

Iago: That's cause you're always runnin' around! A cultured man always has someone else run around for him.

Aladdin: Well… okay. But what was that about quoting stuff? I don't know any quotes.

Iago: No sweat, all you need is this. (takes a scroll out from under a pillow) The Scroll of Witty Quotations! (reading) "The secret to being witty is to quote witty people."

Genie: Hmm, "the secret to being witty is to quote witty people." Wow, even that was a quote!

Aladdin: But, I don't understand what any of these quotes mean!

Iago: Don't worry about it. The less people understand, the more they're impressed.

Genie: (reading from the scroll) "The less people understand, the more they're impressed." (spins his head around) Woo-Oo-Oo! Twilight zone!

Iago: Just memorize that scroll, and the world is your oyster.

Aladdin: I feel more cultured already!

(Setting: the desert, the next day. Some guards are riding towards the place where the nomads were the two nights ago.)

Rasoul: Those nomads were seeing things. I see nothing out here to concern—

(The guards' horses hit a slick spot, and they all go crashing to the ground.)

Rasoul: Patrol, halt!

(The other guards slide into him.)

Rasoul: (feeling the flat surface) Strange. The ground seems to be made of… glass.

(The giant centipede reappears. The guards see it and ride away as fast as they can.)

(Setting: the palace garden. Aladdin is wearing his "Prince Ali" outfit and has his hair slicked back. He also has the Scroll of Witty Quotations tucked into his sash. Abu and Iago are with him.)

Iago: Al, baby, work with me on this one! Try to look snootier. Like pretend you smell somethin' bad.

(Aladdin closes his eyes and sticks up his nose.)

Iago: No, I mean you smell somethin' really bad, like… desert aged camel cheese.

Genie: (as a waiter) Allow me, sir. (holds a plate of stinky cheese under Aladdin's nose)

Aladdin: Ew! (looks disgusted)

Iago: Perfect! Darling! Hold that look, baby! That is you!

Jasmine: (enters) Aladdin! I've been looking all over for… What happened to your hair?!

Aladdin: (reading from the scroll) Uh… Hair is but the outward ornament, while true beauty lies within.

Jasmine: What are you talking about?

Aladdin: A good talker implies a good audience.

Jasmine: Oh, you're upset about last night, aren't you? Well, there's nothing to be ashamed about. You were just being yourself.

Aladdin: Jasmine, I was so embarrassed…

(Iago taps him on the head.)

Aladdin: Uh, ahem… while shame keeps its watch, virtue is not wholly extinguished.

Jasmine: I don't know what you're talking about. I'll be back when you're normal again.

Iago: You're doin' great, sweetie, you just need to work on your delivery a little bit!

(The guards burst through the gate, riding at full gallop.)

Rasoul: Find the sultan! Big trouble!

Genie: (still a waiter) I must insist that you check your horses at the door.

(The guards run Genie down.)

Genie: (in pain) Good day to you, sir!

(Aladdin manages to stop one of the guards, Hakim.)

Aladdin: What's the hurry?

Hakim:  (deadpan) There is a giant fire-breathing beast in the desert. No doubt it will destroy us all. (calmly rides away)

Aladdin: A giant fire-breathing beast? We'd better check it out!

Genie: (with the head of Darkwing Duck) Let's get dangerous!

Iago: Al, Al, Al! The hair! The hair!

Aladdin: But what about the beast?

Iago: Are you gonna muss your hair every time Hakim predicts doom? Answer: no! Remember, a cultured man has someone else run around for him. Delegate responsibility!

Aladdin: Well, maybe you could go check it out, Genie.

Genie: (as a waiter again) Expertly delegated, sir.

(Setting: later that day. Genie is flying over the desert in the form of a helicopter.)

Genie: Traffic's pretty light out here in the wasteland. Temperatures will be in the hundreds. KGNE news time 3:37. (changes back to normal and lands on a rock formation) Nothing over there, or there, or there! (growing a head looking in a different direction every time he says "there")

(The ground shakes.)

Genie: But I think we've got something down there! (the extra heads disappear)

(Genie dives off the cliff head-first, and crashes into the ground, buried up to his legs.)

Genie: Gotta work on my landing.

(The centipede goes by, walking right over him.)

Genie: What the heck was that?! That's a big centipede…

(Genie turns into a policeman and pulls the centipede over.)

Genie: Okay, buddy, where's the fire?

(The centipede shoots fire at Genie, burning him to ashes.)

Genie: Is it hot or is it me? (changes back to his normal form) Do you realize you're upsetting the delicate ecological balance of the desert?!

(The centipede's head opens up, revealing Mechanicles at the controls.)

Mechanicles: I know. It's part of my fiendish plot!

Genie: Mechanicles! (turns into a reporter) I'm here with Mechanikles, the mad inventor. Tell us about your latest diabolical scheme.

Mechanicles: Well, it starts with getting rid of a certain annoying genie!

Genie: Really? Anyone I know? (is burned again) Of course, you know, this means war. (turns into the terminator) Two can play the giant robot game, Mechanicles! (takes out several giant guns and aims them at Mechanicles)

Mechanicles: Wait! (makes the "time out" sign)

Genie: (in an Austrian accent) You give up?

Mechanicles: No, I was just wondering, do you know how to get the ship out of this bottle? (holds up a ship in a bottle, and uncorks it)

Genie: Sure, no problem! (shrinks down and flies inside) The trick is to get enough wind in your—

Mechanicles: (re-corks the bottle) Gotcha!

Genie: Oh, I can't believe I fell for the old ship in the bottle trick again!

Mechanicles: Now nothing will stand in the way of DOING THE DISHES! No, that can't be right. (looks at his to do list) Let's see… polish centipede, wax trash can… that's right! Nothing will stand in the way of burning Agrabah to the ground. (laughs)

(Setting: that night, in the palace dining room. The same group of people are there as the previous day.)

Daru: …I said, that which is everyone's business is no one's business.

(Iago nudges Aladdin, who laughs politely.)

Iago: How very clever and amusing!

(Everyone around the table laughs, except Jasmine, who is still annoyed.)

Sultan: (laughing) Very amusing story, Daru… whatever it meant. Perhaps you will favor us with a joke?

Daru: I am but a humble businessman, not a humorist. Perhaps our young friend Aladdin will tell us one of his jokes?

Aladdin: My jokes are but the threadbare jests of a threadbare jester.

(The guests gasp, impressed by this. Iago gives Abu a high-five.)

Jasmine: Oh brother.

Daru: But, jesters do often prove wise men.

Aladdin: Even a fool when he holds his peace is counted wise!

(The guests clap.)

Guest: How sophisticated!

Iago: Way to go, Al! I don't think anyone knew what that last one meant.

(Jasmine grabs Aladdin by his cape and drags him outside into the garden. Abu follows them.)

Aladdin: Jas, Jas, Jas! The hair! The hair!

Jasmine: Aren't you worried about Genie? He should have been back by now!

Aladdin: You're right. I'll send Carpet to look for him.

(Jasmine whistles, and Carpet flies up to them.)

Jasmine: We're all going.

Aladdin: Jasmine, fools rush in where—

Jasmine: Then we're going to be fools. (pushes Aladdin onto the carpet, and they fly away)

(Iago flies out to the garden just in time to see them leave.)

Iago: Whew, for once they didn't drag me along on their stupid— awk!

(Carpet has circled back around, and Jasmine grabs Iago and takes him with them.)

(Setting: a canyon in the desert. As the gang flies by, they notice the ground is flat and shiny.)

Jasmine: Is that water? How strange. (feeling it) It's… it's glass.

(The ground shakes. There's a fire, and a nearby sand dune is melted down. We can then see the centipede behind it.)

Aladdin: (gasp) That's a big centipede!

(They try to fly away, but a net shoots out of the centipede's mouth, catching them and pulling them inside.)

Mechanicles: People might ask, why install a net?

Everyone: Mechanicles!

Mechanicles: (writing on his list) "Buy more nets."

Aladdin: What have you done with Genie?!

(Gestures towards the ship in the bottle.)

Genie: (as a pirate) Arr, me hearties! Batten down the h— (notices he's being watched) Oh, hi, Al. Uh, he tricked me, sorry.

Mechanicles: Say, nice hair, very cultured. How do you keep it from getting mussed?

(Aladdin glares at Iago.)

Iago: Oh, so it's my fault that you listened to me?

Mechanicles: Nice of you to stop by. I hope you don't mind if I catch up on my ironing… (an ironing board opens up out of the wall) …while I divulge my latest diabolical plan to impose order on the chaotic world.

Aladdin: Uh, no, be our guest.

Mechanicles: I hate wrinkles and bumps and things, don't you? They're so… (shudders) …they just plain give me the willies. Do you know how glass is made?

(The gang all mumble that they don't know.)

Mechancles: Sand! Melted sand. I like glass. It's so smooth and even. No bumps, no wrinkles. Oh, imagine you had a machine that could the entire desert into a smooth plane of glass.

Iago: Let me get this straight: you're gonna iron the desert?

Mechanicles: Yes, correct!

Iago: Sure. Yeah. That'll work. Yeah. Good good good.

Mechanicles: Observe.

(The centipede shoots fire at the sand, melting it. It re-hardens into glass. The gang gasp.)

Iago: Gee, I wish we had one of these things.

Mechanicles: I can hardly wait till Daru sees it.

Aladdin: Daru? Daru Tavelevil?

Jasmine: The merchant?

Mechanicles: You know him?! Nice guy, hmm? Very cultured. Great hair. He's the merchant who sold me the iron to build this thing. Well, he wasn't too thrilled with my plan to destroy Agrabah, but he made a mint on the deal.

Jasmine: Daru got rich selling out Agrabah!? Ooh, that jackal!

Iago: Yeah, but think about all those jobs he created. (Jasmine glares at him) What? What is it? Did I say somethin?

Aladdin: Oh, Mechanicles? I was wondering… How did you get the ship into that bottle?

Mechanicles: Well I'm so glad you asked. I have been working on this for years! See, you don't build the ship and put it in, you build it inside, and—

(Mechanicles uncorks the bottle and Genie comes out.)

Genie: Way to go, Al!

Mechanicles: Ugh! I cannot believe I fell for the old "how do you get the ship in the bottle" trick again!

(Genie frees the others from the net, and they advance on Mechanicles.)

Aladdin: Get 'im!

(Mechanicles pulls a lever, and they are ejected out of the centipede.)

Mechanicles: People might ask, "why install an ejector panel?" (writing on his list) "Replace ejector panel."

(Carpet and Genie catch the others before they hit the ground.)

Mechanicles: Now, to exact my revenge! But first, I've got to get the wrinkles out of this tunic!

(The gang is flying away on Carpet.)

Jasmine: Look! (points at the centipede, which is following them) It's headed straight for Agrabah!

Iago: Gee, sure glad we didn't pay next month's rent.

(The centipede keeps heading toward Agrabah, stopping to melt the sand as it goes. The gang have landed on a rock outcrop and are watching it.)

Jasmine: Oh, I swear if it's the last thing I ever do, Daru is going to pay for betraying his people.

Aladdin: I can't believe I looked up to that guy! I thought he was so cultured!

Jasmine: Oh, it's okay, Aladdin. We were all taken in.

Iago: Yeah. You know, it amazes me how people fall for that Daru. He had even less charm than Aladdin… till I lent him the scroll and taught him the hair thing.

(Everyone glares at Iago.)

Iago: Oh, again the staring! So it's my fault you guys are so gullible?!

Aladdin: That does it! It's time for me to quit listening to your stupid advice and do things my way!

Jasmine: Aladdin, you take Carpet and warn Agrabah. We'll stay here and try to hold it off.

Iago: Look, why don't I go with Aladdin and round up the palace guards? I'm sure they—

Aladdin: There's no time for that. We'll have to handle this ourselves. Maybe we can trap it in the canyon.

(Setting: a little while later, in another part of the canyon. At the top of a cliff are two large boulders.)

Aladdin: Huh, a few boulders oughta put a dent in Mechanicles' plan.

(Everyone but Genie tries to push the boulder over the edge of the cliff, but it won't budge. Then we see that Genie is pushing from the wrong side.)

Aladdin: (annoyed) Genie? Why don't you try pushing the other way?

Genie: Oops, my mistake.

(Genie goes to the second boulder and starts trying to push it over the edge as well. Carpet tries to use himself as a lever to move it. Genie then turns himself into a jack and lifts the boulder that way. Both teams manage to push the rocks off the cliff at the same time. Abu almost falls, but Iago catches him. The rocks fall down onto the centipede, breaking it into segments.)

Iago: (whispers to Abu) That was close, pal.

Abu: Thank you. (they hug)

Iago: (realizing he's being watched) I mean, that was close, you squalid flea-bitten monkey!

Abu: Why you… (starts punching at Iago)

(Everyone flies down to the bottom of the cliff to look at the broken centipede.)

Aladdin: We did it!

Genie: (as a referee) The winner and still champion, Aladdin!

(The centipede segments stand up and start moving, independent of each other.)

Genie: Uh, maybe we should hold off the victory party.

(A compartment on one of the segments opens up, revealing a flamethrower like the one on the centipede's head. It shoots fire at the gang, who duck out of the way in time.)

Genie: Okay, tin man! Meet your worst nightmare!

(Genie turns into a giant wrench with legs and runs at one of the robots. He trips on a rock and flies through the air, getting stuck in a hole in the robot that steam has been escaping from. Pressure builds up, and the robot explodes, sending Genie flying again. The others hide behind a rock from the flying debris. They then go to Genie, who has landed nearby, and still has a piece of metal stuck around his waist.)

Genie: Sorry, Al. Guess I blew it. (looks at his waist) Say! This could be a good look for me!

Aladdin: Genie! You just figured out how stop those things!

(Genie's head turns into a giant grinning mouth.)

Aladdin: (picking up a rock) Come on, everybody, let's plug up those pipes!

Genie: (spinning a rock on his finger) It's show time!

(Genie turns into a basketball player and dribbles the rock like a basketball, then slam-dunking it into the exhaust pipe of another robot, which explodes. He then blows up two more robots the same way. Abu loads a bunch of rocks onto Carpet and they fly off. Iago struggles to lift one rock by himself.)

Iago: Help me with this, I've got a bad back!

(Flying by on Carpet, Abu plugs up three robots in a row, then gets away before they explode. All the centipede segments are now destroyed. Seeing this, everyone celebrates, except Iago who is still trying to lift his rock.)

Iago: Ooh, I almost got it!

Aladdin: Iago, you can stop now!

Jasmine: Uh, I don't want to sound pessimistic, but where's Mechanikles?

(The centipede's head emerges from under some rubble and hovers in the air; it has flapping metal wings on either side of it.)

Mechanicles: (inside the machine) People might ask, "why put retractable bat wings on the head?" (laughs and pulls a lever, and a cannon emerges from the machine) Well, you intellectually deficient rapscallions! Prepare to meet your doom! (cackles)

(Above the machine, Iago is flying, still holding a rock in his talons.)

Iago: Hey guys, I got it! I got it!

(Iago drops the rock on the cannon, sending the machine dropping to the ground, nose first. Mechanicles is flipped upside-down. As he tries to right himself, he accidentally pulls the lever that fires the cannon. The machine is shot backwards over the horizon. Eventually it lands in a frozen wasteland. The hatch opens up, and Mechanicles steps out, unharmed.)

Mechanicles: People might ask, "why install seatbelts?" and I might ask… (falls into the snow)Ooh, why didn't I pack a coat or something?!

(Setting: later, in the canyon. Daru, with clothes and hair disheveled, is pushing a cart and picking up pieces of the broken centipede.)

Rasoul: Come on, you worthless slacker! You sold this iron, and you're going to clean it up! Now move!

Daru: Oh, what about my nails?!

Jasmine: Daru's working much faster than I expected.

Aladdin: Yeah, at this rate he should be done in, oh, ten or fifteen years?

Iago: (to Genie) Will you just leave me alone?

Genie: (reading from the Scroll of Witty Quotations) Here is it! "Will you just leave me alone?" Wow, this is really weird.

Iago: But, how can everything I say be on the scroll?

Genie: (pointing) Look! "But how can everything…"

(Genie then reads all of Iago's lines from the scroll as Iago says them.)

Iago and Genie: This is the stupidest… I've never heard of anything so preposterous! How can everything I say be stuff some stupid joker put down on paper? This is awful! Have I no free will?! Stop reading that thing!

THE END