Star Blecch / uGlee

[The segment begins with everyone aboard the Federation starship USS Kelvin currently under attack by the Romulan super-mining vessel Narada, screaming and panicking, with everything going kablooie. Captain Zero appears on screen.]

Captain Zero: USS Kelvin, (shows Captain Richard's dead body with a crunch) I killed your captain and left your ship plummeting towards destruction.

1st Officer George Kirk: Let's do this-- [his phone rings] Honey, I'm right in the middle of somethin'.

Winona Kirk: But I'm about to deliver our babeeeee...

[they both start to struggle, then Winona has her baby taken out and George finishes going to the bathroom]

George Kirk: Whew. Last time I eat Romulan for lunch.

Winona Kirk: The ship's gonna crash!

George Kirk: Ohh! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

Winona Kirk: You have to make it.

George Kirk: Don't know if I can... it's out of control! [SHIP STATUS: OUT OF CONTROL] Say goodbye to our son for me!

Winona Kirk: I'll send you his picture! [She takes a picture of the baby's face.]

George Kirk: [SHIP STATUS: NICE :)] I did it! I regained control of the ship. I'm alive!

[Comms chirped. George opens his phone looks at his son's face in it, revealing to be... *record scratch* Alfred E. Newman?! Caption: UR A DADDY! ;)]

George Kirk: The heck I am.

[Out of second thoughts, George slams the Self-Destruct button, causing the USS Kelvin to go BOOM! with him. The title card appears, Star Blecch]

[IOWA, 20 YEARS LATER]

James T. Jerk: Hi, I'm James T. Jerk.

Abora: I'm Abora!

James T. Jerk: [yawn] You're telling me.

Montgomery Scott: This jerk needs to be taught a lesson.

James T. Jerk: For yawning?

Montgomery Scott: No! For stealing the bar scene from Star Wars!

[Two more thugs show up, they start beating up James until Captain Christopher Pike shows up]

Captain Christopher Pike: That's enough.

[one of them kicks him one more time, James gets up looking severly damaged]

Captain Christopher Pike: You should be in Starfleet instead of a bar, young man.

James T. Jerk: Why? Look where it got my father.

Captain Christopher Pike: Your father was the captain of a Starship for 12 minutes - granted he was on the toilet for ten of those, but... I dare you to do better.

James T. Jerk: Well then, pass me those nachos.

[And with that was Jerk enlisted to the USS Enterprise, flagship of Starfleet. James finishes going to the USS Enterprise's bathroom with a bagful of nachos]

James T. Jerk: Whew! That was for you, dad.

Schlock: Welcome to Starfleet. This is Slack-Off...

Slack-Off: [snore]

Schlock: Mr. Toodle-oo...

Toodle-oo: Toodle-oo!

Schlock: And I am Captain--

[Captain Zero hails the Enterprise, giving Schlock and Jerk a scare]

Captain Zero: SCHLOCK! I finally found you, and now I will destroy your home planet with my drill.

Schlock: It can do that?

[Captain Zero switches into infomercial mode.]

Captain Zero: That's not all it can do. Order now and we'll throw in this destructive red goo (shows a jar of red matter). That's the drill and the red goo for just $19.99! Plus, order in the next five minutes and we'll also throw in this free oven mitt!

James T. Jerk: I've got to destroy that drill!

Schlock: I got to save my family!

Toodle-oo: I gotta get that oven mitt!

Slack-Off: [snore]

Schlock: Energize.

[beam]

Toodle-oo: Toodle-oo!

[beam]

Amanda Grayson: Schlock!

Schlock: Mother. Father. No time to explain - this planet is going to explode.

S'chn T'gai Sarek: So's your mother - she had Romulan for lunch again.

[Poot!]

[beam]

[farts]

Amanda Grayson: Ohh, I should hit the toilet again before we go.

Schlock: Nooooo!

[Boom! Planet Vulcan (which oddly looks like Earth now) is reduced to space debris by the Narada's assault.]

Amanda Grayson: Ohh. I feel so much better.

[beam]

James T. Jerk: Hey I stopped the drill, did you save your m--

[Schlock grabs Jerk before he can finish]

Schlock: Don't say it... or I will kick you off this ship.

[A brief pause]

James T. Jerk: Mum's the word.

[Schlock incapacitates James and places him in an escape pod and jettisons him off the ship, sending him to planet Delta Vega. Jerk climbs out and dusts his hands.]

James T. Jerk: Vulcan idiot!

[A woolly mammoth scares James and runs away, soon it reveals to be Manny, Sid and Diego showing up.]

Manny: I gotta work on my greetings.

[James keeps running until he goes into a cave, then he smashes right into a mysterious person and falls down.]

James T. Jerk: Ben Kenobi?

Future Schlock: I am Schlock from the future. Zero marooned me here, forced to witness the most unspeakable act.

James T. Jerk: The destruction of your planet?

Future Schlock: No, the rest of this movie on DVD. [Pulls out the Star Blecch DVD.] Luckily, I think I found a way off this snowcone.

Luke Skywalker: Uhh, little help? Anyone?

[beam]

Schlock: I thought I kicked you off this ship.

James T. Jerk: Yeah, but someone old and wise said I'm supposed to be the captain.

Schlock: Was it Future Schlock?

James T. Jerk: No, it was Gene Roddenberry, the guy who created Star Blecch, you moron! Now move over! [kicks Schlock off the captain's chair and takes over]

Captain Zero: SCHLOCK!

Abora: Ugh. Dosen't this TV get any other channels?

[Abora changes the channel to Beauty Tips with Megan Fox, then she changes it to Ben 10 Alien Force iteration.]

Abora: Oh, good! Ben 10'!

[Captain Zero regains control of the screen, though.]

Captain Zero: SCHLOCK!!!

Schlock: This is... illogical.

Captain Zero: That I continue to stalk you?

Schlock: No, that anyone can follow the plot of this movie. We already stolen so much from Star Wars, let's just steal the ending too

[cut to Captain Jerk, dressed like Han Solo]

James T. Jerk: She's all yours, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home.

[With one blitzkrieg assault, Wampa and R2-D2 in an X-Wing go into the Narada, fire off two proton torpedoes into the heart of the ship then the ship explodes a lá A new Hope. Wampa and R2-D2 go back to their ship, Schlock and James high-five then Schlock turns around]

Schlock: Wow! This mission has aged the crap out of me.

Future Schlock: I am not a mirror, I am you from the future.

Schlock: Did you come back to wish me luck?

Future Schlock: No, to get my money back. This DVD sucks! [Pulls out the Star Blecch DVD again.]

James T. Jerk: Slack-Off, give him his money back. Mr. Toodle-oo, warp speed.

Toodle-oo: Toodle-oo!

[The USS Enterprise goes into Warp, going into where no man has gone before and beyond, and the segment ends]

(Scene begins at McKinley High, in Lima, Ohio, in the principal's office.)

Principal Figgins: I'm afraid there's no money in the budget for Glee Club.

Will Schuester: How can you be so sure?

Principal Figgins: Well, for starters, (cuts to Figgins sitting on Brittany) we're using the cheerleaders as chairs now.

Will Schuester: Uhh, how can my group compete with screameos?

Sue Sylvester: They can't. My girls are beautiful and they're invulnerable. (smashes Santana with a lamp)

Will Schuester: I think you're confusing them with the cheerleader from Heroes.

Sue Sylvester: An easy mistake. They're both popular and they both bring in the crowd. Unlike your pile of--

Principal Figgins: Don't say it! We don't have enough money in the budget for a censor, either.

Sue Sylvester: Too bad, because they are uhhhh...

Chorus: ♫ Glee! ♫

(Scene changes to the title card, uGlee, but the "U" sweeps "Glee" away)

Will Schuester: Oh yeah? You'll see. We'll bring in the crowd the same way all those teen shows do it.

Sue Sylvester: What's that?

(Music starts)

♫ Just some high school squares / Some jocks, some girls, one's in a chair ♫

♫ Trying hard to stay on key... dodging red slushees ♫

♫ She hates germs / They're told to spy / Not quite sure if that's a guy *burps* ♫

♫ But no matter what it's called, it's a lot like High School Musical! ♫ (Zac Efron, as Troy Bolton, appears holding a "High School Musical" sign, but gets whacked)

♫ Singing in high school / Seems to be the thing that's cool / So we'll do it too, this makes the show #5 ♫ (Zac appears again, and gets whacked again)

♫ AAHHHHH! ♫

♫ The Jonas Brothers sang ♫

♫ Awee-hee-hee! ♫

♫ Hannah Montana croons ♫

♫ Ooo-hoo-hoo! ♫

♫ VICTORiOUS is filled with tunes ♫

♫ It's cheap; It's lame; we're all just copying ''Fame! ''♫

♫ Singing in high school, / Seems to be the only rule / Forget plot ♫

♫ Who are we trying to foooooool? ♫

♫ No need for originality / His hairstyle's from '83... And this gesture is our sole choreography... It's all schlock! ♫

Will Schuester: What do you think? Can Glee stay?

Principal Figgins: I don't know. There wasn't enough money in the budget for an ending.

Chorus: ♫ Glee! ♫

5-second Cartoon
Captain Zero: SCHLOCK!

Bizz the Friendly Fax: DE-DOOT-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!