Wharf Horse

Come one, come all!

Come on in!

You! Look at me when I'm talking to you!

Don't walk away, you coward!

Hello, children.

Why aren't you spending what little money your family has at Wonder Wharf today?

We're supposed to be handing out these fliers, but no one's biting, so we were about to give them all to our old friend Gary Trashcan.

You guys, we could give Mr. Fischoeder a flier.

Looks like he's got his hands full with his own struggling business flyers, right, buddy?

What? Struggling?

The wharf isn't struggling.

Ha, ha, ha.

It's great!

In fact, we're giving the whole park a facelift.

And not the kind you give to decrepit old businesses, but the kind you give to hot, sexy, successful businesses.

You go girl.

Hey, listen, here's three coupons for one ride each.

We've reopened the Scream-i-cane... same thrilling ride without any lost limbs.

One hopes.

Aah! The Scream-i-cane!

That's the idea! Yes! Aah!

Aah!

Both: Aah!

We'll take 'em.

Bob: Hey, look.

I made a flower out of a napkin.

Oh, yeah. Look at that.

That's great, honey.

I know it is.

Wow. Not so busy today, huh, Bob?

Hello, everyone.

Hey, Mr. Fischoeder number two.

(laughs) Yeah, you can call me just Felix.

I'm gonna call you Lil' Fish.

♪ You're a little fish, Calvin's a big fish ♪ ♪ Something smells fishy, la, la, la... ♪

Stop it! I don't like degrading nicknames!

Now, if you'll allow me to introduce you to my dirty, flirty, little squeeze thing, Fanny, the 29-year-old girlfriend that I have.

I just bought seven bras!

Wow.

Yeah.

Bob, I have a proposition for you.

No.

You haven't heard it yet.

How would you like...

I wouldn't.

...to see this run-down old town turn into a thriving now town?

No thanks.

Wait. Felix, what are you talking about?

I am in the midst of negotiations to sell Wonder Wharf and build... high-end condos!

It has a ring to it, right?

Condos?

Condos.

Condos?

Condos! We talking about condos here?

Wait a minute.

Sell Wonder Wharf?

What does Mr. Fischoeder say about that?

He says no, because he's a big dumb wiener!

He thinks he can fix that wharf with a few "renovations"?

Does putting a Band-Aid on a fart make it go away?

That doesn't make sense.

Yes, it does.

I don't know.

Lot of memories on that wharf.

I told Bobby I was pregnant with Louise on the Ferris wheel.

He just kept screaming. I did.

The wharf was where I won my first black light poster.

Beginning of a lifelong love affair.

The first body I ever worked on washed up under the pier.

Little ltalian guy. Strangled.

Aw, sweet.

You don't get it.

What?

They don't get it.

High-end condos means rich people with money, which they will give to your businesses, so you can become rich.

Well, when you put it that way, all right! I love condos!

Yeah! Money, money, money. Yeah!

Rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich.

Hurray for money!

Well, I don't see how we can help, and I don't want to help, so...

Bob, I don't think I've gotten through to you.

Take a look at your specials board.

(chuckles) Do you think these people appreciate saffron?

Appreciate what you're doing here?

What is saffron, Bobby?

Uh, Mort was asking.

I already know.

Is it like a food thing, or more of an attitude?

What if, on the ground floor of this condo development, there was...

(singsongy): an upscale burger place?

You could call it "Bob's Bistro on the Beach with the Burgers."

Ooh-la-la!

Hello bah jour!

I could make that happen.

Hmm. You've described a secret fantasy of mine.

I mean, a nice restaurant, upscale location.

I wouldn't name it that, but I'd like to-to...

B-Bob, Bob, will you help me with something in the bathroom?

What? Um, no.

Uh, uh.

Felix, I don't want to go, so...

And yet, here I am pulling you.

Yes, you are. Linda?

Bye, Bobby!

(both grunting)

(people screaming)

The Scream-i-cane.

We're going on it.

Or... hear me out... we don't go on it.

Ooh, interesting.

I'll go on it, but only if you guys go on the carousel with me after.

I want to go visit Mr. Goiter.

You never forget your first horse love.

(calliope music playing)

Fine, we'll go on the Scream-i-cane, then the boring carousel with the freakish horse with a lump on it's neck. Yay!

Hey, burger babies!

Both: Hey, Mickey.

Three of your finest seats, please, Mickey.

Gee. Sorry, Louise.

You're too short.

I can't let you ride.

Oh, too bad!

Bye-bye.

Mickey, Mickey, Mickey, what's a couple inches between friends?

Wouldn't be safe, and I also happen to be up for Employee of the Month.

We get our pick of the stuffed animals, and I have my eye on a banana wearing Bermuda shorts.

What?! Louise, let's just go. Come on.

Oh, I hope you're happy with your shorts-wearing banana!

Your only friend now, Mickey!

Enjoy the park!

Don't talk to me!

Oh, Felix also bought me these.

What?

These. Blink, blink, blink.

Y-Your eyeballs?

The lashes.

Oh, they're beautiful.

Yeah, they're weasel fur.

I knew it.

Oh, and when the condos go in, Felix is gonna build me a recording studio.

What?

Also a nightclub.

Oh. 'Cause I have a really good voice, so I'm gonna sing at the nightclub.

I love nightclubs and singing!

Sing me a song.

Okay.

She's gonna sing!

♪ Who's that knocking on my door? ♪ ♪ Ooh, it's Mister Dance Floor ♪ ♪ Everyone is looking fancy ♪ ♪ Things are about to get dancey. ♪

Oh, my God, I just almost started dancing!

Thank you!

Yes, Bob's Burgers on the Beach sounds nice, but I still don't see what you need me for in all this.

Also, I wish you weren't peeing right now.

Look, Bob. God, I love this bathroom I built for you.

I just do.

Felix!

Okay! I need you for a covert operation.

Phase one: you call Calvin with some reason to get him away from the wharf at 1:00 p.m. today so I can take the developers around.

Oh, God.

I don't like phase one.

Phase two: you work on him.

Convince him to sell.

Me work on him? Why me?

He listens to you.

Mm.

You remind him of our father for some reason.

Maybe something about that arm hair.

He is always staring at it. Yeah.

I understand why.

It's exactly our papa's arm hair.

That's pretty crazy. I...

Hi, Daddy.

Um...

Too short? I'm not too short. I'm perfect!

Hey, I know what this gang needs... a trip to merry-go-round town.

(humming)

What?

"Carousel no longer in service"?

"Newer, better, less boring ride coming soon"?

Let's take it down, fellas.

(Tina yells)

Mr. Goiter!

Whoa!

Merry-go-down, am I right?

Too soon.

Please, Bob, just keep my brother away from the wharf for a couple of hours, work your arm hair magic on him, and you can have the beachfront restaurant you've always wanted.

(sighs): Oh, I don't know.

This whole thing doesn't seem completely right.

Bob's Bistro on the Beach with the Burgers.

I still don't want to name it that.

Do we have a deal?

(sighs)

Okay, deal.

(laughs maniacally)

But why are you doing that?

Oh, I was just thinking of something from earlier today.

Well, now I feel weird about this, 'cause you're laughing like that.

No, no, no, it's-it's fine.

(laughing manically)

You're doing it again.

All right, come on, let's shake.

(chanting): Uh! Mr. Dance Floor!

Ooh!

Mr. Dance Floor!

Wonder Wharf is open for business!

(chanting continues)

Hey, you... you don't look like you have a job. Come in!

Tina: No!

You bastards!

Whoa. I just got a weird feeling.

Well, I didn't wash my hands, so it could be my pee pee.

Okay, so you're telling me that Felix gave you a covert mission to keep Mr. Fischoeder away from the wharf for a couple hours...

Uh-huh. ...so that Felix can take his developers around, get 'em interested.

Uh-huh.

And while we've got him, you have to somehow convince Fischoeder to sell Wonder Wharf? Yup.

And we get a restaurant on the beach, and we all get rich?

Yes.

Great. Easy peasy.

You think?

Yeah.

Aw, look at you, humble little burger man deciding the fate of the whole town.

I'm not little.

Little burger boy wonder.

Ooh, I'm gonna make you a T-shirt that says that.

I won't wear it.

You will.

So, a lie to keep Mr. Fischoeder busy for a few hours.

Ooh! I got an idea!

Mm-hmm.

We call him up, tell him we're looking to swing, see if he's into it.

Um, no?

What? We're cute.

Hmm.

Oh!

What about Take Your Landlord to Lunch Day?

We tell him it's Take Your Landlord to Lunch Day?

Yeah. Hmm. He does like lunch.

He loves lunch.

God, I'm hungry.

Me, too. Let's eat first.

Lady Big Nose, no!

Oh!

Oh!

Mr. Down There Hair!

Ooh!

Aah!

Henry Human Feet!

His feet were more human than mine!

Boss, I don't know what to do here.

Listen, little girl, Mr. Fischoeder wants us to take down the carousel.

No one rides it anymore.

Possibly because they're put off by the deformed horses.

This one makes me a little sick.

I don't care about your facelift!

Nobody touches Mr. Goiter!

He's a hideous delight!

Oh. Oh, man!

Tina, got an idea!

Be right back!

Okay. Oh, no!

Dr. Big Butt!

Take Your Landlord to Lunch Day? Yup.

And you want to go to King's Head island?

It's your special day. (Fanny humming)

Fanny, you want to come to lunch?

Mm-kay!

Hop in!

(humming)

Hi. Hi.

How are you?

Ooh, what'd you get?

It's a skirt, but I'm gonna wear it as a dress so you can see my butt.

Butt-dress.

I like it!

Butt-dress, butt-dress golly. (laughs)

(whispering loudly): Psst.

Fanny, want to hear a secret?

We're doing the plan.

Hmm?

Bob: Lin? Felix is planning to get Fischoeder away from the wharf.

Bob: Lin?

Linda: He doesn't have any idea. He doesn't have a clue.

Linda, we can hear you.

What? No.

It's girl talk.

(whispering loudly): They can't understand us.

Oh, my God.

Bob?

Yes?

There is no Take Your Landlord to Lunch Day, is there?

Oh, maybe they can understand us. Little bit.

Damn. I was really excited about it.

Landlords never get any fun stuff.

Linda: Aw.

I just got a refill.

What'd I miss?

Well, the workers went on break, so I'm just taking a little breather.

They're not on break.

They're right there. What?!

You said you were gonna sit with your lunch boxes and chitchat!

We ran out of stuff to talk about.

Well, I... How about, um, like, what you did this weekend?

Sorry, kid, but we got to do this.

(sighs)

Fine.

Just, let me say good-bye.

Okay.

♪ Good-bye, Mr. Goiter ♪ ♪ I love you so much ♪

Nice bike lock.

It's Teddy's.

He was hoping it'd inspire him to get a bike.

Tina.

What?

Put your head right there.

Okay.

Hey!

Oh. I wish I could have gotten in a more comfortable position.

Now swallow the key.

What is going on?!

And that's how you lock your sister to a wooden horse!

Yeah! Um, unrelated... does anyone have any water or some pudding?

So, as you can see, incredible ocean views, and a girl bike-locked to the carousel.

What? I didn't say that.

Okay, snow cones on me.

Go pick out your flavors, go crazy.

I'll be right back.

Hi, how you doing?

Greetings.

Um, what are you doing?

I've bike-locked myself to Mr. Goiter to save him.

Yeah.

Leave now, or I will make you leave.

Oh, do you have the ability to make 13-year-old girls poop out keys?

He might! Don't look in his eyes!

This guy's trying to make my sister poop!

(laughs): No, I am not!

Girl-pooper!

Girl-pooper!

Girl-pooper!

Shut up!

This is boarding school all over again!

Boarding school sounds fun.

Fischoeder: So, Felix put you up to this, huh?

Kidnapping me so he can show his developers around my wharf parts?

No. Yes.

Well, I want to go shopping.

I want some new stuff.

What? You can't just leave a kidnapping to go shopping.

This isn't Florida.

Both: Bye!

(humming)

Shop!

Yeah.

(sighs)

So, you're probably mad.

Not really.

Doesn't matter.

I'm not going to sell, anyway, ever.

So, we might as well eat.

Right?

Uh, yeah. Oh, my God.

I... forgot my wallet.

Ah! Imagine.

Uh, you could cover and I'll get you back.

You want to do that?

Of course. Why wouldn't I pay for my own kidnapping lunch?

(quietly): All right.

Bob's Bistro on the Beach.

Bob's Bistro on the Beach.

Here we go.

Mr. Fischoeder, I know you said you weren't gonna sell ever, but if you did sell the wharf, you could...

I told you, Bob, it's off the table.

Now, uh, what to talk about.

What do you think of... loose women?

(music playing)

I like them.

Mm-hmm.

Mr. Fischoeder.

♪ I know you're already a wealthy-ish guy ♪ ♪ But think of what that condo money could buy ♪ ♪ And I'd open up Bob's Beach Burgers and Fries ♪ ♪ Oh, nice things are nice ♪

Uh-uh. Not interested.

♪ Your own private island ♪ ♪ A million eye patches ♪ ♪ No, I don't think so ♪ ♪ A gold swimming pool ♪ ♪ I to hold all of your cashes ♪ ♪ No, sorry, Bob ♪ ♪ I'd hire real waiters who all have mustaches ♪ ♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪ ♪ Oh, nice things are nice ♪ ♪ Soon you will see just how nice life can be ♪ ♪ When you start raking in condo people's money ♪ ♪ Ooh, I love this dress, does it come ♪ ♪ In size three? ♪

Uh-uh.

Okay, six?

Uh-uh.

Okay, ten?

♪ Oh, nice things are nice ♪ ♪ I'm chained to Mr. Goiter ♪ ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la... ♪ ♪ In hopes that they don't destroy her ♪ ♪ Okay, it's not a her, but I really ♪ ♪ Really wanted it to rhyme ♪ ♪ A legion of servants, all at your command ♪ ♪ An army of tigers, like you always planned ♪ ♪ I could buy my own missiles to launch at Engl... ♪

Never mind, I'm not telling.

♪ My sophisticated burgers they would understand ♪

(harmonizing): ♪ Oh, nice things are nice... ♪

You guys.

Excuse me.

There's no singing in here.

Oh, sorry.

Thank you. Sorry.

Sorry. Terribly sorry.

Yeah. Thank you.

Got carried away.

Linda: So... did you guys have fun?

Uh, yeah. We, uh, shared a moment.

I think.

Or maybe not.

I don't know.

This is a disaster.

Bob?

Yeah?

I don't know what it is about you, you bushy-armed b*st*rd.

Um...

But you've convinced me to sell Wonder Wharf.

Really?

That-That's great.

Hooray! Hooray!

All right!

Have you ever tried brushing it this way? Like this?

No, uh, but I will.

It's a good look for you.

Calvin, where have you been?

What have I been doing?

Just, you know, had myself kind of a chill-out day.

You know, made a collage, skipped a rock.

Felix, listen.

You can tell your developers that I'll sell.

(exclaims)

Yah mo be there!

Let's start calling the lawyers!

What's going on over at the wharf?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Lot of people.

Are those news trucks?

Hey. Don't worry about that.

Look at me.

Check this out. Here we go.

Go down, and then my arms go back and forth, I lift my leg up and...

Why have you locked yourself to this horse, young lady?

Well, um, he has a name; it's Mr. Goiter.

Oh, there's my dad. Dad!

They want to destroy the carousel.

You have to help me stop them.

Tina!

Aw, you look so pretty for the news.

Tina, I know you love the carousel, but I have to tell you something.

(quietly): They're tearing down Wonder Wharf to build condos.

(crowd gasps)

No...!

Uh, you weren't supposed to hear that.

It's for the best.

You understand, right, honey?

Damn you all to hell!

Yup, so... great.

They're tearing down Wonder Wharf?

What if I grow?

What rides am I gonna ride on now?!

Why even grow?!

And what do I do with 10,000 skee-ball tickets?!

I've been saving up for the Pontiac Solstice!

Mr. Fischoeder, is this true?

Are you selling the Wharf?

Uh, yes, it's, uh...

Uh, Calvin, Calvin.

Can I take this one?

Hi, I'm Felix Fischoeder.

The other odor.

(chuckles)

Listen, folks, once those wealthy condo owners start patronizing your businesses, your disappointing, fruitless lives will be full of fruit, because you will be rich enough to buy fruit.

Yeah. Sweet condo-people money.

That's right!

That's right!

That's right!

That's right!

Let's get their money!

All right.

Hey, I know you got a lot going on here, but, uh, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna cut out this pole, pull you off with a forklift, and... hopefully, it's safe.

What?

Linda: What's happening?

What's going on?

What is happening?

What is happening?!

Tina!

Uh...

Well, at least Mr. Goiter's okay.

(screams)

Tina, my precious baby angel!

Tina, are you all right?

No, I'm not!

First Mr. Fischoeder wants to tear down the carousel, now you want to tear down the whole wharf?

This place means a lot to a lot of people.

What's wrong with you?!

Okay, honey, you're hysterical.

It's all right.

Come here.

(grunts)

Mama's gonna hug you back to normal.

Come on.

This park is like... like the heart of the town.

Shu-shush, shush, shush, shush.

Shu-shush, shush, shush, shush.

Oh, my God. You're right.

Tina's right.

I was gonna say all that stuff!

You were?

No, but you guys are getting so clique-ish!

So you convinced Mr. Fischoeder to sell?

Yes.

To build condos?

As in condominiums?

Yes.

Dad, I love you, but what the hell were you thinking, you idiot?

Sorry, I love you.

Oh, God, I-I got to go talk to him.

No! The condos!

The money!

Hey, I got an idea, let's go get pretzels.

Lin, I-I knew Felix was wrong, but I let myself get talked into it.

I got to go fix this.

Just be rational!

Linda.

Linda, let go.

(growls)

Linda, stop it.

You're hurting me!

Mom, let him go.

Let him go, Mom!

Drag her off me!

Don't do it!

No, you let him go!

Don't you do it!

Get her off!

(all grunting)

Nuts.

Now, these condo people... what percentage of their income would you say they spend on yarn?

Oh, what a good question.

Roughly 45%.

That's not very high!

Hey, Mr. Fischoeder, could I speak to you for a minute?

In private?

Yes. Please.

These people keep talking to me.

Uh, how about we go on a ride?

Hey, I heard good things about the Scream-i-cane.

Okay, what the hell.

Come on, Gene.

We're going, too.

I told you, no roller coasters!

The technology just isn't there yet!

Now here's a question for you.

Who likes nightclubs with a Caribbean theme and a 29-year-old singer who happens to be my girlfriend?

(giggles)

It's me.

Hey, Mr. Fischoeder.

You're looking rich today, sir.

Hey, we're with the boss man, Mickey, so lay off!

Yup, safety second, that's what I always say.

Stop us! Stop us!

You're terrible at your job!

We appreciate your feedback.

I'm gonna die and I never got to see Hall & Oates live!

So, you can't sell the wharf.

Really?

Yes.

Great.

Hey, I have some laundry here.

Maybe I'll just throw it into you, big fat washing machine man.

What?

'Cause you're wishy-washy!

You just convinced me to sell the wharf.

Look, Mr. Fischoeder, I was wrong. I got greedy.

(all screaming)

Bob: I don't feel good!

Fischoeder: Good!

Louise: Yeah!

I got caught up in having this nice place on the beach, selling burgers to...

Oh, God... fancy rich people.

Aah! Why did I think this would be a good place to talk?!

'Cause you're an idiot!

Hmm.

It always seems to get stuck here on the big hill.

And then the limbs come off.

Oh, God.

Louise, is it over?

Am I home on the couch watching The Closer yet?

Yup.

Aah!

This episode takes place on the Scream-i-cane!

Wow. It's beautiful.

Are you going to try to kiss me?

What?

Well, you used to be straight, but who knows with Mr. Flippy Floppy?

Mr. Fischoeder, listen.

I thought I wanted nice things, but I don't even like nice things.

I mean, look at this shirt.

This is my favorite shirt.

Ooh. That is so sad.

Look, those condos would make us like everywhere else.

The wharf is the heart of the town.

It's what makes this place special.

I mean, sure, it's run down, it-it's really seedy, it's kind of dirty, they don't pick up the garbage.

Mm.

But it's also great.

Hmm. So, are they gonna chopper us out of here or...

(all screaming)

(Louise whoops)

Oh, God, off.

Yes, off.

We did it! I lived.

I knew that rules didn't apply to me. I knew it!

Whew! My pants are moist but not wet.

Oh, that part's wet.

Boy, it's been a long time since I've been on a ride; they're wonderful.

(laughs) Papa always said people like things that go up and down and side to side and jiggle all their stuff around.

And mother sewed that on a pillow.

That's nice.

I'm never selling Wonder Wharf.

What?

Never!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you saying?!

I'm not ever selling this wharf!

What?!

No, no, no, no, no!

Damn it!

Linda!

Wha...?

I'm going on again.

Me, too!

And here I come, too.

Clop, clop, clop, clop, clop, clop, clop, clop.

Felix, what about my nightclub?

Fanny, Fanny, Fanny, Fanny, Fanny, Fanny, Fanny...

No! You're not getting any of this.

Or this.

What?

Or even this.

(screams)

Thanks for saving the town, Dad.

You're welcome, Tina.

Thanks for reminding me what's important.

Yeah, sure. Hey have you ever pooped out a key?

No. Um... dice.

Mm. Well, okay, I'll figure it out.

So, we really did it, huh?

Well, I did it.

You almost blew it.

Yeah, but then I brought it all home, kind of heroically... not to pat myself on the back, but...

Felix.

There you are.

Uh, sorry.

I, uh... I realized what you were trying to do was horribly wrong and... is that a gun?

Yup. It sure is.

It's where I keep my bullets.

(nervous laugh) Okay, well, I'm going to, uh, head out.

No, no!

No, no, no.

(laughs maniacally)

Oh, he's doing that laugh.

I don't like that.

No.

Are you thinking of something funny from earlier today?

No! I'm laughing maniacally!

Okey dokey.

Glad you like this rotten old wharf so much, 'cause it's where they're going to find your rotten old bodies.

Hey, hey. I-I don't think you have a rotten old body.

Um, I think he's talking to both of us, right?

No, no, no. Can't be.

You're the old one. Look at your face.

What?

Shut up! You're both old and you're both gonna die!

Oh, so you did mean both of us.

Yeah.

(gunshot)

Quiet, please!

Linda: ♪ Wonder Wharf ♪ ♪ Wharf of wonder ♪ ♪ This won't end ♪ ♪ Till Bob's six feet under ♪ ♪ He wanted things that were nice ♪ ♪ But will he pay the ultimate price? ♪ ♪ Wonder Wharf ♪

© 2014 20TH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION