The Worst Stan

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day Ã¢â¢Âª The sun in the sky has a smile on his face Ã¢â¢Âª Ã¢â¢Âª And he's shining a salute to the American race Ã¢â¢Âª Ã¢â¢Âª Oh, boy, it's swell to say Ã¢â¢Âª Ã¢â¢Âª Good Ã¢â¢Âª Ã¢â¢Âª Good morning, USA Ã¢â¢Âª Aah! Ã¢â¢Âª Good morning, USA! Ã¢â¢Âª I wanted you guys to be the first to know I'm getting married! Hey! (screams) Stan, you were the one who introduced me to Olivia, which is why I wanted to ask you if you would do me the honor of being my best Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Jeremy?! Michael! My twin brother! I can't believe you've come back after being lost at sea for 12 years! Will you be my best man?! Yes. (voice breaking): I hope you two will be very happy! (retching and grunting) (Stan sobbing) (sobbing) Michael was my last single guy friend, Francine. He was my last chance to be a best man! Being a best man is something I've dreamt of my entire life. Ã¢â¢Âª Ã¢â¢Âª My dream is over, Francine. They say you have a better chance of getting hit by a meteor than of being a best man after you're 40. Who says that? Roger. So we know it's true, then. Come on, think. You must have one single guy friend. Well, there is one. Who wants to see me pee on this cake? (grunts) (splashing) STAN: Principal Brian Lewis. My last single guy friend. Yeah, Superintendent! Blast my Buddah belly! (laughing) Oh, I'll never be a best man. Don't give up on your dream, Stan. (grunting) All you need to do is convince Lewis Lewis! Ooh! to get married and then convince some girl to marry him. You're right! (giggling) How hard can it be? Sweets, you killed my master. Now you die! Cake! Cake! Pie! Brownie! Cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie! No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No That's the dude I was telling you about while we were playing army guys. Oh, the weird shorts guy? He comes in every weekend tries on all the shorts, and never buys anything. (grunts) Where's a mirror? Maybe there's one through this odd, tiny door. (door squeaks) I have been waiting for you. And I, you. What's happening? What are we talking about? I made you shorts. I don't know. Like Lil' Kim, I have a real tough body for shorts. How much are they? Like everything at Ross, it is impossible to tell, because the price tag has fallen off. I'll try them on, but I don't My God. They're amazing. (crying) I wish Mom could figure out Skype so I could show her these shorts. I want to apologize again for my behavior at the school the other night. I take allergy medicine, and I'm not supposed to drink 14 shots of tequila when I'm on it. You know, you should think about settling down. Find a nice woman, get married, share your life with someone. When you say, "share my life," I hear, "share my tequila," and I think, "no. " Here, try a hot wing. They're 100% boneless. No bones. Zero. Boneless! They got some food scientists up in here, huh? (choking) Bone-full! They are full of bones! (choking) (gasps) You almost died, bro! Alone! Oh, God! Alone, bro! I don't want to die alone, bro! No one does, bro! You need to settle down and get married. You're scaring me, bro! Get married, bro! Okay, damn it. All right! Yes! Don't worry. I'll help you get your life on the right path. Now we just have to find someone to marry you. Well, I was seeing a real classy broad recently. - Totally different from all the women - Hookers. hookers-- thank you-- that I've dated in the past. But she dumped me because I wouldn't commit. Perfect! Who is she? Yes, I broke up with Brian because I wasn't his first priority. It was cocaine, which he pronounced "kyo-kayne. " Superintendent, his brush with death has changed him. He wants to get married now. I will marry him if he's serious. He is serious. He is dead serious. No drugs, no drinking, and a home-cooked meal with my parents two nights a week. Agreed on the drugs and drinking and parents dinner once a week at a restaurant. (whispering) And he'd like you to give him a lefty cappuccino. What's that? (whispering) It's not something you'd agree to if you knew what it was. Agreed. Now, do you have something to ask me, Brian? Me, your man friend who has led you down this blissful and best life path? Oh, okay. Do you want to be my? You want to maybe do this right, or are you going to half-ass it? Get down on one knee. (snaps fingers) Ã¢â¢Âª Ã¢â¢Âª (inhales deeply) Okay, now. Do it now. Everything is perfect. Stan, will you be my best man? Oh, yes! Yes, I will! Up until now, I've just been a great man. Now, I will be a best man. And I'm the Crest Man. (ding) I'm living in my car. Ã¢â¢Âª Ã¢â¢Âª And obviously, the last dance of the night will be The Humpty Dance. I'm so proud of him, Stan. He's two weeks sober, jogging every day, sleeping 14 hours a night. Can't get in trouble if I'm asleep! He's pronouncing "cocaine" properly, hasn't peed on any cakes, and hasn't challenged a dog to a fistfight in days. (sighs) Sorry to rush off, but I've got a City Council meeting. I'm gonna listen to the CD you made me in the car. I love track eight. Oh, if you like track eight, then you're gonna love track seven. I've already heard track seven. Oh, you're gonna love it! Okay, did you bring the old photos for the bachelor party slideshow? Right here! This looks like a publicity photo for Diff'rent Strokes. It's actually a picture of my family, but my life was the inspiration for that show. You're kidding. Nope. My older brother William, aka Willis, and I were adopted by a rich white guy. All that stuff really happened to me. I smoked a pack of cigarettes in the closet, a fat man tried to touch me and my friend in a bicycle shop You just left Dudley there! I did. He's real messed up now. That's me and Tracy Bryant, my prison cellmate for three years. We lost touch when I got out. I don't even know if he's still in the joint or what. (chuckles) Man, we go way back, like car seats. LEWIS: Yo, Tracy, you gonna lift weights? TRACY: Yeah, Brian. Nothing else to do in here but get strong. What you lookin' at, bitch? MAN: Bitch, I'm lookin' at you, bitch! Uh-oh! (shank hitting, grunting, bell ringing, crowd chatter) STAN: Well, Lewis is obviously deep in thought. Guess I'll take this opportunity to do my own thinking. Hey, I should find his old cellmate, Tracy, and invite him to the wedding. What a great best man thing to do! (both sigh) Stan, you and me is thinking buddies. Roger, I've seen you in shorts. You look terrible in them. Remember, I told you not to wear short I see my beauty has caused you to be quiet mid-sentence. Oh, my God. How is that even possible?! I don't know! I mean, watch. But much like the appeal of the Ugg boot, I'm not questioning it, just accepting it. Now I need to think of a perfect venue to debut my new shorts. What if you wear them up in the club? In Miami? (ding) (tires squeak) WOMAN: Welcome to Miami. Enjoy your stay. And now phase three: to enroll at Florida State University! How did a baby and a dog get on a flight to Miami? Guess they're not as interested in reality as we are. Yup, we're keepin' it real. Just a boy and an alien on a bus. A boy and an alien in a wig and magical shorts on a bus. Ã¢â¢Âª Super real! Ã¢â¢Âª (indistinct, overlapping crowd chatter) Attention, everyone! As the best man, I've got a special surprise for the groom. (overlapping chatter) It took some doing, but I finally managed to find him Tracy Bryant, your old cellmate! Tracy?! Been a long time, Brian. I can't believe you're getting married, 'cause you already married to me! (all gasping) I'm his prison wife! This ring is made out of love and commitment and pipe cleaners and human teeth! You're married?! Mm-hmm, to this bitch! Ellen, I can explain Yeah, explain how you're gonna stand here in front of all these nice people and commit a sin like this. I (bleep) your ass! But how is this even possible?! Allow me to break it down for you. According to prison rules, I became Lewis' bitch after he beat up my previous husband. After that, we had three years of wedded bliss. We shared a home a job (alarm ringing) and some excellent toilet wine. But that was years ago! Prison rules are serious. We follow them till we die! It took me 15 years to find you, Big Lew, and I'm never leaving you again. Ever! Forever! Get out of here, Tracy! I don't need this now. I've finally got my life on track. I say "cocaine" now. This is all your fault. Don't let him ruin my wedding. Hey, it's our wedding. Don't worry. I'll-I'll fix this. Brian, you've gotten fat on me. More for me to zerbert! (blowing raspberry) Got to blow up my brown beach ball! Ã¢â¢Âª Ã¢â¢Âª This must be what Thomas Haden Church feels like all the time. Ã¢â¢Âª Ã¢â¢Âª (glass breaking) I am loving these shorts! (shouting): You are beautiful! (shouting): I know! I am legendary homosexual Ricky Martin! That I did not know! Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. Hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey These Cubans are hassling me! Hey. Hey. Hey, hey I still don't understand why I'm not riding with Lew-Lew. I told you. He had some things to take care of, so he asked me to drive you to his house. Drive faster. I want to get to the kitchen and make some fish sticks. (tires squeak) Ooh, which one is ours? First thing I'm gonna do is plant some heirloom tomatoes up in here. (gunshot, bullet casing clinks) You're not gonna ruin my big day. That wedding is happening, damn it! (tires squealing) (grunts, thudding) Brian, it's Stan. I wanted to tell you that Tracy won't be bothering us anymore. Hello, white cheese. But I killed you! You can't kill this love. What we got here is the eternal flame. The Bangles, bi-atch, circa '87! No! You're supposed to be on the wagon, not drinking toilet wine with your prison wife! Look, I love Ellen, but seeing Tracy stirred up feelings I thought were gone. We had some great times together. He knows me so well. I was afraid of dying alone. Maybe now I don't have to. This isn't a real marriage! You are getting real-married to Ellen, and I'm going to be best man! This is prison marriage, bitch! (barks) This is prison rules! (barking) Hmm. Prison rules. I love Brian Lewis. My heart is his forever. Where we goin'? Our house to watch movies? Uh, what's happening? Since I beat you up, Tracy becomes my bitch now. You know they made four Free Willies? How'd that fat water fool let himself get caught four times? Hey, cooking bitch. Hey! Cookin' bitch! What you cookin'? Egg whites? I'm gonna kill you! Um what's going on? (whispering): I'm super afraid! So, Stan, how long is your friend going to be staying with us? Just until after Lewis gets married. Oh, we need salt. (grunts) Stan, I know how much being a best man means to you, but your friend keeps stabbing me. I just need my bitches to get along for a couple more days. Just getting a Popsicle! (grunts) (weakly): Marmalade for the table? Last night was horrible, Steven! It was theorst night of my life! (moaning) RICKY: If I had known there was someone as beautiful as you out there, I would have come out so much sooner. Take off your shorts, mi amor. Uh let's just make out some more. But Roger, it's clearly time for butt play! The worst part is, I felt like Ricky Martin and I had a connection. Well, Roger, if that's true, then you shouldn't be afraid to take your shorts off. Your looks open the door, but your personality takes the door off its hinges. Like the bathrooms at the beach? Mm-hmm. Do they do that so the bums won't have sex in there? Mm-hmm. That's really smart. Mm-hmm. Thanks for coming. We four are the most important members in the wedding: best man, groom, bride and flower girl. I thought my niece was going to be the flower girl. No, your niece was not attractive. But Ashley here has won a regional beauty pageant. I think it's horrible the way we treat marine life in this country. Now I'm going to play the flute. Ã¢â¢Âª Ã¢â¢Âª Atta girl. Brian, you and Ashley go practice dancing with her standing on your feet. It'll be adorable, a real crowd pleaser. I'm glad we have some alone time, Ellen. I'm working on my speech and wanted to ask a few questions. Sure. Shoot. When was the moment you realized you wanted to marry Brian? When I realized I wanted a baby. Oh. Okay. And what do you love most about him? That he has a penis full of baby ingredients. Oh. Here's the deal. I want to marry Brian and have a baby with him because it will help me get to my ultimate goal City Comptroller. What?! I've been accused of two things: not liking blacks and not liking kids. Getting married to Brian, an educator, and having a half-black baby is exactly what I need to get out of this superintendent dead end. There will be no limit to how far I can go. The locks on a lot of doors in this city are mulatto baby-shaped, Stan. Why are you telling me all this?! We're both using Brian to get what we want. You won't say anything. This wedding is too important to us. Ashley's doing the splits for a cigarette. Unfiltered, if you have it. Ã¢â¢Âª Ã¢â¢Âª Hello, Ricky Martin. You're looking guapo, as usual. Don't say a word. I have to be honest with you! What is it, Roger? I didn't take my shorts off last night because I didn't want you to see the real me. But I'm ready now. I really like you, and I hope you'll still really like me, too. (inhales deeply) (whispers): Okay. You are even more beautiful to me now because it is the real you. This is it, isn't it? This is the real thing. Yes. It is. Especially because I have a secret of my own. I, too, found an old blind woman behind a small door inside a Ross. Oh, you shop at Ross. The woman made me the T-shirt that I am wearing. That was nine years ago. I have been afraid to take it off in front of another person ever since. But your love has finally given me the guts to do it. Grab! No! Ã¢â¢Âª Ã¢â¢Âª (tires screeching, thudding) Ã¢â¢Âª Ã¢â¢Âª (church bells tolling) Ã¢â¢Âª Ã¢â¢Âª Is that the real Mrs. Garrett? Oh, there's the inspiration for Kimberly! Mr. Drummond was a man of means, so this should be a nice wedding! This is a beautiful wedding. Yes, it certainly (grunts) Uh. Switch seats with me? Welcome. I'm Stan Smith, your best man! First up, the bride and groom will read their vows to each other, which will be boring, but then, your best man will be right back! Mr. Drummond, right? Mr. Druffold, but you can call me Mr. D. Look at that. True love, huh? Well, true love is that really important? It's everything. After Kimberly's mother passed, I almost remarried the wrong woman. Turns out she had a secret agenda to ship the kids off to a boarding school. Wait. I saw that episode. Season one, episode 12 "The Woman. " But luckily, a good friend of mine was looking out for me. It's hard to know what the right thing is sometimes, Mr. D. Well, how does your heart feel? My heart hurts. Well, I think you have your answer. Stop! (overlapping crowd chatter) Brian, you can't marry that woman! What you talkin' 'bout, Stan?! - Yeah! - All right! - All right, yeah. - Oh, finally. She's a horrible person! I was trying to force this union so I could have my big day, but I've realized there's something more important than being a best man. FRANCINE: I think I have to go to the hospital. And that's being a better friend. I was wrong to try and change you. So go on. Do what you were born to do. Go punch that dog in the face. Huh? You're a good friend. (grunting) (grunting) You ruined everything! Now how will I get my half-black baby and become City Comptroller?! Where we goin'? Our house to take a bubble bath? What? Prison rules, girl. You beat up my husband, so I'm your bitch now. (camera shutter clicks)