Twilight: Staking Dawn / Cookie Blue

(The scene begins.)

Vampire (Joel McHale): We're gathered here today to witness the marriage between Mr. Edward Cullen...

(A bunch of Edward fans appear crying, along with Count van Count.)

Vampire: And Ms. Bella Swan.

(A bunch of swans appear, while Bella's parents appear crying.)

Vampire: If anyone knows the reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or...

(The vampire gets shot. The crowd gasps.)

Vampire: Call me a doctor. (turns to dust)

(Buffy the Vampire Slayer appears.)

Buffy (Chloe Grace Mortez): Somebody order a slayer?

Crowd: BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER?!

Buffy: (blushes) Sorry, my catchphrases are a little bit rusty.

(She shoots one of the vampires, who runs along with the rest of the crowd screaming. Chaos happens.)

Bella (Taylor Swift): Did you invite her?

Edward (Josh Peck): No.

Bella: Well, she'd better brought a gift.

(Title card: "Twilight: Breaking Dawn", but the words "Breaking Dawn" get replaced with a wooden stake with the words "Staking Dawn" on it, making the title to "Twilight: Staking Dawn")

Edward: We've got to get out of here.

Bella: But they haven't cut the cake yet!

(Buffy slices the cake with a sword, which the cake has a Batman topper.)

Edward: Was that a little Batman?

Bella: It was the closest thing they could find to a vampire.

Buffy: HOLD IT! (Bella screams as Buffy is about to shoot her and Edward.) First off, let me say, this was a lovely wedding, second, PREPARE TO DIE! (aims an arrow at Edward and Bella)

Edward: WAIT! How did you find us?

Buffy: Easy! When I heard every vampire in the world will be at the wedding of the century, I immediately sprung into action!

(Rule Britiannia playing and Buffy attacks Kate Middleton and Prince William.)

Kate Middleton: (groans)

Prince William: Aaaaaaahhh!!!

The Queen (Elizabeth Banks): We're not vampires, we're just REALLY PALE!

Buffy: 8,000,000 apologies later, I bought a ticket to Forks, Washington. That answer your question? (The camera zooms out to show that Edward, Bella and the whole crowd are gone. Crickets are heard, while a swan is seen quacking.) Ugh, I've gotta tell that story quicker. (Buffy breaks into Jacob's room.) Where are they?!

Jacob (Drake Bell): Oh, you just missed them. They jumped out the window.

(The camera shows the window on the right. Howling noises are heard. The camera moves onto Buffy.)

Buffy: What are you doing?

Jacob: Cutting out Edward's face from all the wedding photos and replacing him with me. (Jacob sticks his head onto where Edward originally was.)

Buffy: Okay, well, you're busy, so I'm gonna just... (She spots Edward and Bella out the window.) AH-HA!

Edward: Quick, get on my back! (They both jump to a tree.) We should be safe up here.

(Buffy starts to chop the trees while Edward and Bella jump to another.)

Buffy: I can do this all day, Edward!

Al Gore (Steve Martin): Yes, but the planet can't! (to the audience) Hi, gang. I'm Al Gore, and the planet is our responsibility! So the next time you-- (Buffy stabs his neck with a piece of wood.) You can't kill me with wood! (He rips off his jacket to show that his body is made of wood.) I AM WOOD! (He laughs until he gets attacked by Buffy with an axe. Meanwhile, Edward and Bella are running until they come to a cliff with a waterfall. Buffy is then aiming an arrow at them.)

Buffy: It's the end of the line for you clowns!

Bella: But I'm not even a vampire because someone wouldn't MAKE me a vampire.

Edward: Can we please talk about this later?

Buffy: Uh... You may not be a vampire, but you're a weak, whiny female character!

Bella: Wait, your problem with me is that I make women look bad? If that's the case, I know someone who makes women look a lot worse.

(Scene goes to the set of Whitney.)

Announcer: This week on all-new Whitney, "It's Tough Being a Modern Lady"!

Whitney Cummings (Maria Canlas Barbera): Half of all marriages, end... (She pulls her sweatpants.) ...in sweatpants! (The audience groans while Whitney laughs.)

(Buffy and Bella smash through the wall.)

Buffy: This is for setting women back 30 years! (She beats up Whitney Cummings in the face. Whitney falls to the floor and gets kicked by Bella.) You're a good kicker.

(A bump in Bella's body appears.)

Bella: OOF! So is she.

Buffy: You're pregnant?! Now what are we gonna do?

Old Man (Steve Martin Again): Well, seeing how you destroyed our latest TV show, might I make a suggestion?

(9 MONTHS LATER...)

Narrator: It's the season premiere of Two and a Half Women! (The camera shows Bella.) She's a single parent; (the camera moves to the right to show Buffy) she's a vampire slayer! But together, they're raising a blood-sucking baby girl.

(The baby attacks Buffy.)

Buffy: Aaaaahhh!!!

(The camera then shows Edward and Jacob. Edward is watching the show on the TV while Jacob is still putting his face onto the wedding photos.)

Edward: I've been alive for 200 years, and this is the worst show I've ever seen.

(Jacob puts a picture of himself onto Edward's face and continues cutting.)

Chief: Okay, rookies, I know the stress of the job is getting to you...

Rookie: It's my first day! I can't take this anymore! (He escapes.)

Chief: So I've called in a rookie from America to help us out.

Andy McNally: What makes him so special?

Chief: Well, there hasn't been a crime on this street in 40 years. Plus, he truly represents the boys in blue.

All Rookies: Cookie Monster?

Cookie Monster: C is for cop, that's okay with me!

(All rookies look shocked.)

(Title card: Cookie Blue)

Cookie Monster: Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy! Me so excited for first day!

Andy McNally: I know you're excited, but take this from someone who's been doing this for five days! This job is more than just eating cookies.

Cookie Monster: Good to know! (Eats coffee cup.)

Announcer: Car 55. Car 55.

Andy McNally: Gah! The magic box is talking!

Cookie Monster: Cookie Monster take this. (Hangs up phone.) Ahem, C is for car, that's okay with me!

Radio Commentator: We've got a robbery in progress at the bakery on Church & King.

Cookie Monster: Let's go to bakery on Church & King! Me could use snack.

(Cut to the bakery.)

Andy McNally: Diaz, what happened here?

Chris Diaz: Well, the money's gone, but at least the baked goods are ... also gone?

Andy McNally: Cookie Monster, we could use your expertise. What can you tell us about this?

Cookie Monster: Hmm. (wipes off crumbs) Hmm. Hmm. C is for clue, that's okay with me!

Andy McNally: I think I know where we can find out more. (Cut to Crime Alley) In Canada, we have something called Crime Alley.

Cookie Monster: In America, we have something called Sesame Street.

Andy McNally: Uh, I don't think they're the same. Crime Alley has Jimmy the Snitch.

Cookie Monster: Sesame Street has Kermit the Frog.

Andy McNally: It's not the same! Crime Alley has deadbeats that can make crimes and then hide in trash cans to keep their company.

Cookie Monster: (gasps) Just like Oscar! You eat garbage like Oscar, too! Here, eat garbage! Eat garbage! More garbage!

Thief: (spits out garbage) Okay, Okay! I'll confess! I stole from the bakery! Just get me away from this monster!

Andy McNally: Wow, I don't know if I approve of your methods. If the sarge found out, you'd be in big trouble.

Chris Diaz: Looks like C is for cover-up.

Cookie Monster: ...........That's okay with me.

Chief: Cookie Monster, by solving the bakery robbery, you showed us all what it takes to be a good cop! It's an honor to have you stand before this room full of rookies. (Cookie Monster gets excited.) You know I said "rookies", and not "cookies", right? (All the people turn into cookies.)

Cookie Monster: Cookies! Ah!

(Everyone screams.)

Chief: I just don't understand Americans.

(Segment ends)