Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe

Alan! I have to meet Larry for dinner. Are you ready yet? are you? Happy anniversary, baby. What? Six months ago today, we cheated on Larry for the first time. So, to commemorate the occasion, you donned the traditional balloon underpants? Exactly. I have a "heart-on" for you. Charming. Yeah, I was gonna get you a dozen roses, but I-I thought the balloons were cuter. Cheaper. Six of one, half off the other. I'm not sure this is something we should be celebrating. Come on, you have loved every chapter in our book of forbidden trysts. That magical night in the handicapped stall at Chili's. The time we put a scare into that field trip of sixth graders at the planetarium when they saw Uranus. That weekend that Larry went back east and we went "down south. " Alan I don't have time for this. Well, then open your present. Spoiler alert: it's my penis and two of his friends. And you can't return it if it's the wrong size. As fun as all this is, I only have about ten minutes before I have to go meet Larry, so we got to make this quick. Ooh, my specialty. First, I'm getting rid of these balloons. Oh. Oh. I-I should've had you blow them up. I know what you like, baby. Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah. Men. Hey, bitches. Hey. Hey. What are you guys up to tonight? Oh, dinner and game night. My ex-wife and I used to do that. Our favorite game was Life, until she ruined mine. Yeah, we're more fans of Monopoly, Backgammon Hungry Hungry Lesbos. It's like Hungry Hungry Hippos, but we don't eat balls. How do you know when you've won that game? Trust me, you know. Hey, something smells good. Yeah, we play that, too. Hey, you guys want to join us for dinner? Oh, no, I can't. I'm going to the movies. Oh, Alan, you want to join? Is it a porn movie? Why would I invite a guy to watch a porn in a theater? So nobody weird sits next to you. Well, going with you wouldn't solve that problem. Fine. Go watch your porn by yourself. I'm not watching a porn! Uh-huh. And I don't use your bathroom to poop. Look, I can't go anyway, 'cause I'm having a drink with my girlfriend's boyfriend. Why don't you poop in his toilet? You're already banging his girlfriend. You got a flat tire. I got a what? I noticed it when I was getting out of your car. Why were you in my car? Taking a nap. Why were you taking a nap in my car? I was getting high, and I just went to sleep. Why were you getting high in my car?! Because you hide your pot in the car! Geez! Which one of us is high, you or me? Great. Either of you guys got Triple-A? You don't need Triple-A when you got double D's. Why don't you just change it yourself? Eh, sounds like a lot of work. I'll just buy a new car. Or you could use the spare tire and jack. Oh, there's nothing in there. Whoa there's a trunk under the trunk! Somebody's never smuggled anything out of Mexico. Here, uh, you grab the spare, I'll loosen the lug nuts. Wow, you really know what you're doing. Yeah. Well, I had a boyfriend who was a mechanic. A boyfriend? Yeah. Well, I went through a phase where I dated guys. Huh, I thought you were a gold star. What's a "gold star"? It's a lesbian term for someone who's never been with a guy. Hey, I'm a gold star. Wait a second, what about that story about you skinny-dipping at Boy Scout camp? Well, I was drowning. I had to grab ahold of something. Just happened to be Roger. So, if you had met Walden instead of me Oh, God, no. Wow, great. I'm getting hypothetical rejections now. I'm sorry, you're just not my type. I was more into, you know, "guy" guys. I'm a "guy" guy. Oh, please. You made me come in your room to kill a spider. I'm allergic! Look, it's not a big deal. Some guys fix things and some guys call the guys that fix things. You know, right after they watch Project Runway. Oh, I didn't see it last night. Don't tell me, don't tell me. I rest my case. You know what, I'll show you. Here, give me that. Okay. Tell me I'm not a guy's guy. I got "guy" coming out of my ass. Don't You know what I meant. God, these nuts are hard to get off. Oh, okay, I'll give you that one. Hey, Jeff. Hey, there he is. The B-F-F of J-E-F-F. That's pretty good. Did you just come up with that? What do you think, I just sat here jotting down rhymes before you showed up? I'll have a whiskey. Oh, oh, we're doing the hard stuff. Okay. I'll have three fingers of crÃ¨me de menthe. Yeah, I've just been kind of in a funk lately. What's going on? It's Lyndsey. Mm, Lyndsey. Lyndsey. I'm sorry, uh, Lyndsey is? My girlfriend. Oh, yes, yes. You know, I-I can never remember her name, because, you know, I never really knew her. Doesn't matter. Anyway, she dumped me. She dumped you?! Oh, my God! Oh, my God. I was so shocked, my first reaction was wrong. Yeah, well, it's been a really rough two weeks. Wait, two weeks? You-you guys have been broken up for two weeks and this is the first I'm hearing about it? Oh, I'm sorry, buddy. I should have told you sooner. Well, someone certainly should have. Anyway, there is one bright side: at least now, you and I are free to hang whenever we want. We couldn't before? Well, I-I didn't really want to tell you this, but Lyndsey didn't like you very much. She said that? Yeah, she'd go on and on about your hair and your clothes. She even said you had the worst taste in jewelry. I don't know where she got that. I mean, it's not like you ever bought her jewelry. That's true. Although, if I had, she wouldn't have noticed unless I put it in the bottom of her wine glass. Women. I know how to kill this pain. Bring me the bottle. Yeah, better make it two. Ooh, and a little whipped cream. Oh, hey, Berta, can I ask you a question? Yeah. I'm a man's man, right? I thought that when I first met you, but then I found out you were married to a woman. No no, I mean, like like, I'm a guy who can build things and a guy who can get horses out of mud and who, if-if he gets stabbed, he just rubs dirt in it. You're talking about a guy's guy? One of those dudes, like, in the boner pill commercials? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You're not one of those. What? Well, you're more like one of those guys that gets a mani-pedi. Yeah, well, first of all, there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. And second of all, manicure has the word "man," like, right there in it. Well, now, you calm down manly man, or you're gonna spill your chamomile tea. At least I'm the manliest man in this house, right? Um What? Really? I'm under Alan? Well, do you want to be on top of him? What did Jenny tell you? I was drowning! 'Sup, ladies? Hey, look who it is: Bob the Builder. Oh, yeah, it's pretty manly, huh? The only thing manlier would be if you were dressed as the cop or the cowboy. Why are you gay? Is this about the flat tire? 'Cause you have nothing to prove. Oh, I ain't provin' nothin'. Just being a guy. Doin' what guys do, fixin' things. And do not expect me to get in touch with my emotions or ask for directions anytime soon. Is that chewing tobacco? Yes, it is. And it tastes terrible. And I'm feeling dizzy. Wow, very impressive. You ain't seen nothing yet. That there's a laser. Badass. Gee, oh, this here table is two degrees from being level. I got this! There we go, job well done. I'm gonna need my band saw. You two clean this up. Ladies' work. Men. All right, I'm lubricated. Let's do this thing. So, uh, how was your dinner with Larry the other night? Fine. Where did you go? La Dolce. What did you guys have? Salmon. Did Larry like it? Okay, talking about my boyfriend eating fish is the world's worst foreplay. Is he still eating fish, Lyndsey? Is he? All right, what's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. Larry told me you broke up with him. Mm-hmm. For the love of God, you're still seeing Larry?! As Jeff Strongman? At least one of us is faithful to him. Why didn't you tell me? I didn't tell you because I knew you'd just ask when you and I are getting back together. That's not true. When are we getting back together? Alan. Oh, this is what I've been waiting for for the last six months. We-we can finally be together, honestly, openly. I-I can prove to you I'm the man that you're supposed to be with. I love you, Lyndsey. Great. So you want to get married? Whoa, whoa, marriage? We just got back together. You're just like Larry. Neither one of you are willing to commit. I'm just saying that maybe, you know, we should date a while. I mean, let's be honest, you are a bit of an adulterer. This is why I've been avoiding this conversation. You don't want to get married, and I don't want to be with you unless we do, so if that's the case, I don't know what else to say, Alan. Except good-bye. Wow. Okay. Okay. I mean Just so you know, when I walk out this door, I am never coming back. This is the last you will see of Alan Harper. Breakup sex? Oh! Men. Hello. Oh. Sorry about that. Am I in your way? The only thing in my way are those pants. Oh, gee, sorry about that. About the only crack around here I ain't put caulk in. All right. Whoa! Look at that. Good as new. Hey, if there's anything around here that needs fixin', I'll be the one fixin' it. So if you see something that's broke and bothering you, you just let me know. Hey. I see something that's broke and bothering me. I'm not in the mood, Berta. I just got dumped. Oh. What happened? Well, you know, I confronted Lyndsey about breaking up with Larry, and it blew up in my face. Alan, Alan, Alan. You know, relationships are a lot like woodworking. There's a certain way that things fit together, and if you force it, it splinters and falls apart. But if you take your time, follow instructions, you build something beautiful and solid, something you can be proud of. Like this here elegant cedar birdhouse. What does this have to do with me and Lyndsey? Nothing. But how cool is it I built this? It's even got a guest room for the Alan birds. If you listen real close, you can hear them. Cheap, cheap. Isn't this great? What's cooler than going to a strip club in the daytime? The girls aren't always hot, but the mozzarella sticks are. Uh yeah. You sound like me two weeks ago. I made that noise every time I heard the name "Lyndsey. " Yeah, that's it. What's going on? To be honest, I, uh had a bit of a breakup myself. Oh, geez. Mm. And here I am whining about my problems. Eh. I'm sorry, Jeff. If I have a flaw, it's that sometimes I'm not aware of things that are going on around me. It's actually one of the things I like most about you. So, what happened between you and your girl? Well, she wanted to get married, and I'm just not sure I'm ready. No way! That's the same reason I lost Lyndsey. It's like we were dating the same woman. It's exactly like that. So, do you miss her? Are you kidding? I mean, she's the only one for me. I mean, she's the one who brings me up when I'm down Whoa. Hello, future Mrs. Strongman. So, what are you afraid of? I don't know. It's just such a big commitment. Bottom line: do you still love her? Yes, I do. Then you got to get her back. Don't make the same mistake I did. Yeah, maybe you're right. I know I'm right. Chances like this only come along once in a lifetime. I'm gonna do it, Larry. I am gonna ask her to marry me. That-a-boy! And when things work out, I'm gonna be the best man at you and your girl's wedding. Well we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Want a private dance? Oh, sorry, I can't. I have a date with destiny. Destiny's off today. Oh, no, I-I meant, uh, uh Never mind. Why don't you take my friend. It's on me. Oh, I only have a 20. Uh, you know what? I think seven's fair. Walden? Oh, hey! Sorry, ladies! Man at work! Wh-What are you doing? Well, it's a little technical for the layperson. What the hell, let me walk you through it. What I'm doing is sanding and re-staining, when I recognized some dry rot and termite damage. And I thought to myself, what the hell, I got a couple hours-- why don't I just rebuild this bad boy from scratch. The bubbles tickle my nose. Okay, you know what? You got to stop building things. I was wrong-- you are so manly that if I were straight, I'd totally bang your brains out. Well, of course you would, sweetheart. But I'd probably sleep with you once and then never call you again. Hold still, please. Yep, they're level. Ow! Aah! Aah! Mmm. I'm just gonna rub some dirt in it and keep going. Walden! Hey What are you doing? Oh, this? Well, it's pretty technical for the layperson. What the hell, let me just No, doesn't matter, doesn't matter. Uh, I-I got big news. I am gonna ask Lyndsey to marry me. Are you serious? Yeah, I just have to get a ring. I got a ring you could have. The one I proposed to Zoey with. I don't know, that ring didn't work. Neither do you. TouchÃ©. Well, I can't believe my best friend's getting married. All right, come on, bring it in. Man hug. Oh. Oh. You smell. Oh, yeah. It's awesome, isn't it? I haven't showered in two days. That's what guys do-- we stank. You smell good bitch. Ladies love flowers. Um Oh, hey, Jeff! Why are you calling me Jeff? You must be here to see your friend Larry, who is also here. Jeff? What are you doing here? Larry! I-I just, uh, I came by to-to yell at this one over here for breaking up with my friend Larry. Can you think of a better reason for me to drop by? 'Cause I certainly can't. Well, now that you're here, why don't you have a drink with us. Oh, I-I'm sure Jeff has better places to be. Work, nope. Girlfriend, nope. Taste in jewelry, nope. Here you go. Bottoms up, Lyndsey. Not the first time I've said that to her. What's this? A ring? What's going on? Yeah, what is going on? Jeff helped me realize I don't want to lose you. These last two weeks have been the worst in my life. I don't want to spend another minute without you. Okay, I think she's heard enough. Let's go get some wings. Come on. Ooh, wings. Just let me wrap this up real quick. Lyndsey MacElroy, you're my soul mate. Will you marry me? I can't believe this is happening. Yes, yes, I will marry you! So, Jeff, how'd it go with your girl? Uh I was too late. She's marrying someone else. That was quick. Wasn't it? I'm sorry. You know what? Forget her. If she chose some jackass over you, she's just a dumb whore. Uh, she's-she's actually really great. No, she's not. She and her new man are both garbage. Uh Men. Whoa, look at this. That's right. Hey, uh, who has one and a half thumbs and built this deck all by himself? This guy. Well, I'm impressed. I would've had to call a guy. Well, then my phone would've rang, because I am the guy. Got to admit, I was wrong about you. That's all right. We all make mistakes. Oh! That's my spit cup. This thing feels sturdy enough for us to have sex on later. Oh, it is. But, uh, be careful, 'cause I just stained her. Well, if you hadn't, we would have. Ah. Look at that. Looks like somebody needs a new roof. Luckily, I know a guy. Whoa. Walden? Call a guy!