Haunt of the Night of Blacker Darkness

(The episode opens up on the office of the Weekly World Horsefeather, where the reporters are typing their reports on typewriters and other reporters rush to the editors' offices with their reports.)

Doris Deer: (offscreen) "Oh, Peter. Everyday, you ask the same question, and everyday, I say, "No.""

(The camera pans right to Doris' office door, where, inside her office, Doris Deer herself is filing her nails and Peter Possum is resting his head on her desk and watching her.)

Peter Possum: "But, you haven't said, "No." yet."

Doris Deer: "No."

(A small mushroom cloud appears over his head as Peter slumps off her desk, groaning miserably. He then leaps back onto her desk and catches Doris by surprise as she drops her nail file.)

Peter Possum: (desperately) "Please, lovely Miss Deer! Just once, I'd like to have dinner with you!" (He brings his face closer to hers (and also, the camera)). "I'll even set it on another table."

Doris Deer : (sighing, irritated) "Oh, get up, Peter!" (She accepts Peter's request.) "All right: I'll have dinner with you JUST ONCE! But, you have to promise you'll never ask me AGAIN!"

Peter Possum: (gasps happily) "Miss Deer! Yes! Yes!" (He hops off her desk and lands his foot in a waste barrel.) "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!" (He shakes the waste barrel off his foot, gets his foot tangled in her computer cord, and then destroys her computer by accident.) "And this'll be the most glorious date you've been on, I promise!" (He crashes into her filing cabinet, knocking it down.) "I'll meet you at the Gilded Turnip at eight!" (He crashes through her office door.)

Doris Deer : (sighing) "Oh, well. He's no Pith Possum. But, it is a free meal."

(Scene transition: Pith's head)

(That night, the camera focuses on the exterior of the Gilded Turnip, a gourmet restaurant. Inside, while waiters serve meals to their waiting customers, Doris looks at her watch. It reads 8:00 PM, and Doris folds her arms in frustration. However, she does a take and sees Peter standing at the entrance. He's wearing a blue tuxedo jacket and a toupée with its price tag still as Peter pays the head waiter. He bends his knee and grins at her, adjusting his glasses. Doris rests her face in her hands in horror, as Peter comes into the main hall. However, he crashes into a duck waiter and catches the falling food with him. The duck waiter angrily glares at an embarrassed Peter, until a wine bottle blows it cork and sprays champagne in the duck's face and sends him crashing into a bear waiter. Food flies everywhere, and Doris looks at the mayhem with a sour look on her face. Peter then makes it to their table.)

Peter Possum: (shyly) "Good evening, Miss Deer."

Doris Deer : "Hello, Peter." (She points to his head.) "You have bacon on your head."

(Peter notices the bacon strips on his head and grabs the tablecloth to wipe them off. Doris buries her face in her hands again and frustratedly looks at him, as Peter sits in his seat. The head waiter then comes along.)

Head Waiter: "Would you care for a beverage?"

Doris Deer : "I'll have a Herring Fizz."

(Peter notices his wallet is empty.)

Peter Possum: (nervously) "Uh... yes. Water for me."

(The head waiter walks away to collect their orders, as Doris looks at Peter.)

Doris Deer : "So, Peter, what do you like to do when you're not at the office?"

Peter Possum: (nervously) "What? Oh! Well, nothing, really."

Doris Deer : (chortles) "Come on. There must be something that you do besides work."

Peter Possum: "Well, I mainly collect bugs."

Doris Deer : (disinterested) "Bugs?"

Peter Possum: "Yes, I collect bugs and watch Star Trek." (He brings himself closer to Doris on the table.) "You know, in many ways, Mr. Spock really is the most fascinating character on the series if you think about it."

Doris Deer : (disinterested) "I don't think about it, Peter."

Peter Possum: "Ever?"

Doris Deer : (firmly) "Ever."

(Scene transition: Pith's head)

(Meanwhile, Commissioner Stress is relaxing in his office at Possum City Police Headquarters when Lieutenant Tension with a bulletin in his hand.)

Lieutenant Tension: "Uh, Commissioner Stress, sir?"

Commissioner Stress: (grabbing Lt. Tension) "What is it, Tension?

Lieutenant Tension: "Yes. Well, sir, it's just this bulletin that just, uh, came in: It seems that the Possum City Gold & Acorn Reserve is being robbed as we, uh, speak, sir."

(Commissioner Stress flings Tension and his desk aside.)

Commissioner Stress: (panicking) "Good heavens! We need Pith Possum, Super-Dynamic Possum of Tomorrow!" (He runs out of the office to get the Possum Line, crashing through the wall.

(Scene transition: Pith's head)

(The Possum Line rings at Possum Place, until Obediah grabs the receiver.)

Obediah: "Possum Place. Obediah speaking."

Commissioner Stress: "Obediah, we need Pith Possum right away."

Obediah: "Commissioner Stress!" (tugs on his cape) "Well, he's not here at the moment, sir. Is there trouble?"

Commissioner Stress: "Only if you consider the Possum City Gold & Acorn Reserve being robbed in trouble."

Obediah: "Oh, I do! I do! I'll get him, sir, and we'll be at the scene before you can say, "antidisestablishmentarism."" (He hops into the Possummobile and starts up the engine.)

Commissioner Stress: (mispronouncing the word) "Anti...dis...dis...duh...anti, terrarium-ism."

(The Possummobile closes the lid, and the platform brings the Possummobile to the upper floor, where the doors open and the Possummobile speeds into the city streets.)

(Scene transition: Pith's head)

(By now, Doris and Peter have ordered their drinks and salad, and Doris is getting bored with their conversation.)

Doris Deer: (boredly) "No, Peter, I've never been to the Slide Rule Festival."

Peter Possum: (chewing with his mouth open) "That's a shocker. Well, then-"

(He notices the Possum Signal flashing right outside the restaurant window and almost in front of Doris! He leaps up on his seat, launching up their food in mid-air. Doris catches her salad and drink.)

Peter Possum: (nervously) "Oh! Will you excuse me? I, uh, have to go to the bathroom." (He runs off from their table.)

Doris Deer: (considerate) "Oh, of course!"

(As Peter knocks down another waiter, he runs down a flight of stairs and changes from his dinner outfit into Pith Possum. Outside, the Possummobile greets him as Pith hops in his seat and the Possummobile speeds off in front of a crowd.)

Pith Possum: "What is it, Obediah? I'm having dinner with the Delightful Miss Deer."

Obediah: "Sorry, sir. The Gold & Acorn Reserve is being robbed!"

Pith Possum: (slaps his hand to his cheek) "Great Scott! Well, let's hurry! My food will be getting cold!"

(Scene transition: Pith's head)

(At the Gold & Acorn Reserve, a gang of three squirrel robbers are hauling off gold and acorns in their wheelbarrows, until the Possummobile pulls up."

Squirrel Robbers: "Uh, oh!"

Pith Possum: "That's far enough, you stuff-stealing squirrels!"

Squirrel Robber #1: "It's Pith Possum! Jump him!"

(The squirrels attack Pith in a large dust cloud. Obediah grabs an aerosol spray can labeled, "Squirrel Stop", and sprays the squirrels with it. The squirrels freeze in mid-air and Pith slumps out of their grasp. Obediah looks at him with concern.)

Pith Possum: (dazedly) "Good work, Obediah, although I probably could have managed." (His head drops down.)

Obediah: (carries Pith) "Come on, sir. Let's get you back to the restaurant."

(Scene transition: Pith's head)

(Pith returns to the restaurant and changes back into his civilian disguise as he runs up the stairs. Doris is waiting for him when she looks at Peter and gasps. Peter now has a piece of flesh torn off from his snout, two bruises are seen on his snout, and his eyes are bruised.)

Doris Deer: (concerned) "Are you all right, Peter?"

Peter Possum: "That's Pi-" (switches back to his normal voice) "I mean-Oh, yes. I'm just fine, why?" (smiles nervously)

Doris Deer: "Well, you have a black eye." (She points to her left eye.)

Peter Possum: (lying) "Oh, that. Well, I, uh, fell and, uh, landed on the toilet seat."

(The Possum Signal flashes again.)

Peter Possum: (alarmed) "Oh! Will you excuse me?"

(Doris looks at him, as Peter runs off back down the stairs, dressing up as Peter. A crowd of animals stand outside the doors, as Pith trips over and lands in front of them. The Possummobile pulls up and opens the lid.)

Pith Possum: "I meant to do that."

(Obediah grabs Pith's tail and drags his boss inside the car, and the Possummobile speeds off for the next crime scene.)

Pith Possum: "What is it this time, Obediah?"

Obediah: "There!"

(The camera quickly pans left and cuts to a gang of rabbit thieves robbing an armored truck of lettuce and having tied up a pair of pig drivers. As the rabbits load their truck with the lettuce, the Possummobile pulls up and the rabbits look at Pith coming their way.)

Pith Possum: "Hold it right there, you naughty bunnies!"

Rabbits: "Pith Possum?!"

Pith Possum: "Now, just come along quietly, and no one will have to get hur-" (yelps)

(The rabbits violently attack Pith. Obediah looks at the chaos and presses a button, activating a colander that catches the rabbits and Pith and shakes them inside. Pith falls out the colander and climbs back into the Possummobile, as the colander dumps the rabbits into a cage. A robotic arm puts the cage with the rabbits inside on the street. The Possummobile shuts the lid and drives off back to the restaurant. Peter is getting exhausted as changes back from Pith to his civilian disguise climbing back up the stairs. When he gets to his seat, he plops his head on the table, getting Doris' attention.)

Doris Deer: "Peter, are you sure you're not ill?"

Peter Possum: (panting) "What... ever makes you..." (wheezes) "Think a thing like that, Miss Deer?"

Doris Deer: "Well, you keep disappearing, and now, you've got two black eyes!" (She points to her pair of eyes.)

Peter Possum: (lying) "Oh, it's nothing, Miss Deer. I-"

(The Possum Signal flashes again.)

Peter Possum: "And I'll explain it to you later!" (He crashes into a cart loaded with sweets.) "Ow!"

(Doris looks at Peter's accident with disinterest. Outside the restaurant, Peter pedals out the doors on a pair of pies stuck in his feet in a unicycle-like fashion, and his head is covered in a strawberry cream cake. As he shakes the pies off his feet, the Possummobile runs him over by accident. Pith opens his eyes dazedly with circles appearing above his head, until the Possummobile backs up and flattens him again, as circles appear again. Obediah opens the Possummobile's mouth and activates a spatula that scoops up Pith and brings him inside. The Possummobile then takes off for their next destination.)

(Scene transition: Pith's head)

(A gang of three bear burglars are using their vacuum cleaners to suck up jewelry from a jewelry store. The Possummobile then pulls up to the crime scene.)

Pith Possum: "Hold it right there, you bear-"

(He is sucked up into one of the vacuum cleaners, as one of the bears hangs the vacuum bag on a tree branch and punches Pith inside the vacuum like a boxing bag as stars appear. Obediah presses a button labeled, "SCARY MONSTER HOLOGRAM GIZMO". A projector appears from the hood and blasts sparks from its beam. The projector aims up and projects the vision of a gigantic dinosaur-like monster roaring and baring its claws and tongue-like mouth, scaring of the bear robbers. The projection disappears, and Obediah runs up the bag to let Pith out. He's now reduced to a puddle as he oozes out the bag. Obediah runs off and comes back with a pail to scoop Pith up. Obediah pulls his head out of the pail."

Pith Possum: "What? Who? Where?" (sees Obediah) "Ah, Obediah, good work, although I had them right where they wanted me. Back to the restaurant!"

(Obediah drops Pith back into the pail with a splash and carries the pail over to his car seat. Obediah hops into the driver's seat, shuts the lid, and drives the Possummobile back to the restaurant. By now, an exhausted Peter, wearing his dinner outfit, climbs up the stairs and into the dining hall, where he looks up and does a take. He sees a kitchen knife being driven into his seat and holding a note in place. He goes to his seat and picks up the note from the knife.)

Doris Deer: (voiceover) ""Dear Peter, Thanks for the "date", you nerd! The only possum I'll ever date again will be Pith! Why can't you be more like him?! Oh, never mind! All my frustration and anger, Doris."

(Peter puts down the note, as his eyes begin welling.)

Peter Possum: (crying) "Oh, if only the Lovely Miss Deer can know the truth that I am Pith Possum, Super-Dynamic Possum of Tomorrow!" (He kneels on the floor and lays there, as tears form a small pond around him.) "Now, Miss Deer will never go out with me again!" (With that, poor Peter hysterically breaks down in tears, as he tears his jacket open with the button flying off. Just then, he hears a communicator sound off and pulls it out of jacket to see Obediah on the screen.) "Yes!" (sniffles) "What is it, Obediah?" (sniffles again)

Obediah: (on the screen) "Trouble at the Possum City Museum, boss! I'll be right over! Uh, how'd your date go?"

Peter Possum: (cries again) "Don't ask?"

(Obediah feels concerned about Peter's sadness for a moment.)

Obediah: "Well, better get ready, sir. Crime never sleeps! And, incidentally, I love you, boss." (He fades out on the screen.)

Peter Possum: (reinvigorated) "Good, ol' Obediah." (tossing the communicator aside) "He's right: Crime doesn't sleep, and this looks like a job for..." (switches into his Pith Possum voice) "Pith Possum, Super-Dynamic Possum of Tomorrow!"

(He crawls under a table where two bears are eating and changes into Pith Possum under the tablecloth. He then hops on the table, knocking the two bears down on their chairs and scattering the food all over the place.)

Pith Possum: "Possum Power to the rescue! Woah!"

(He leaps through the glass window, breaking it, and falls down to the city streets, spinning around. The Possummobile comes along and activates a baseball glove. Pith bounces off the street and lands inside the glove, which brings him inside, and the Possummobile heads to the museum.)

(Iris Out)