Roller Disco

FORMAN BASEMENT

The gang is watching Batman

FEZ: Oh, don't put Batman in the clam of death, Riddler. That's just gonna make him mad. God, you're stupid.

ERIC: Fez, for the last time, the Riddler can't hear you.

FEZ: Riddle me this, Riddler. When Batman escapes from the clam of death...who will kick your riddle-telling ass in?

ERIC: Hey, Fez. Riddle me this (he hits him on his arm)

FEZ: Then riddle me this (he wets his finger and puts it in Eric's ear)

ERIC: Oh, but, Fez, only if you riddle me this (he piches Fez' nipple)

FEZ: Ow! Riddle me this, you son of a bitch! (he jumps on Eric)

JACKIE (storming in): Oh, my God! Guess what!

ERIC (dramatic): Stop! Fez! This could be important! (he slaps him in the face)

JACKIE: You guys, the Roller Disco Doo-dah is coming to Kenosha next Friday!

HYDE: Oh, my God! Guess what! [Raspberry]

JACKIE: See, now, that's the kind of thing the judges really frown upon during competition, Steven.

HYDE: Excuse me?

JACKIE: We're gonna be partners! (he gives her a blank look) Skating partners.

HYDE: Hey, how about instead, you hit me in the face with a wrench, and I black out?

JACKIE: Steven... this is not just a last chance at roller disco. It's a last chance at love...our love. Now, will you or will you not skate with me?

HYDE: I would, Jackie...but seeing you there in your cute little skating outfit...with all your tassels and sequins...I might be tempted to...push you down a flight of stairs (he leaves)

KELSO: All right. Jackie, what do you say...you and me, roller disco? I mean, we used to have some good moves, you know, like, when we did it...so it would be like that...except for with lights and skates.

JACKIE: Okay. Um, first of all, you make me sick. Okay? Second, you're lame, and you make me sick. Third, you make me sick, and any one of these guys would be a better partner than you, even Fez.

FEZ: Really? Then I am in.

JACKIE: Um, no, I didn't really mean it, Fez.

FEZ: Oh, then I am out. Damn it. Let me in.

OPENING CREDITS

FORMAN BASEMENT

The gang are watching TV

FEZ: So, who wil lJackie choose as her roller disco partner? Who, who, who?

Jackie looks at Hyde

HYDE: No freakin' way.

FEZ: Hmm, how very sad. No one to disco with. Now, where did I leave my potato chips? Oh, there they are (he makes a dance-move) Look at that. I left my soda back in the other side of the room! (he makes some more moves) Refreshing. God, my arm is sore! (disco move)

JACKIE: Wow, Fez!

KELSO: Oh, come on, Jackie! You're gonna pick him over me? All right. Watch this (he starts to make some moves but falls to the floor)

FEZ: Jackie, I'm just a roller disco machine... and I don't work for nobody but you.

Kelso groans from behind the couch

JACKIE: Okay. Okay, fine. We'll be partners. But hear me now. I want first prize. If I lose and some stupid, spoiled rich girl wins...I'll scream.

KELSO (from behind the couch): I am really hurt!

FORMAN KITCHEN

Kitty is making cupcakes. Eric comes in

KITTY: Hi, sweetie. How was work?

ERIC: Oh, pretty good...except for the fact that Dad's getting sued for firing a Price Mart employee.

KITTY: Okay. Well, good. Have a cupcake.

ERIC: Mom, did you hear what I said?

KITTY: Uh-huh, and it's just so very unpleasant, I'm ignoring it. So, have a cupcake.

ERIC: Earl is suing Dad for wrongful termination.

KITTY: Earl? He didn't do his job. He was always late. He was a complete dumb-ass...person.

ERIC: Mom, you said "ass."

KITTY: Well, now so did you. Give me back the cupcake, foul mouth. I can't even imagine the mood your father's in.

ERIC: Actually, he doesn't know yet. I got the news after he left. God, Dad is gonna freak. I don't know how we're gonna tell him.

RED: Tell me what?

ERIC: That, uh...Mom said the "ass" word.

KITTY: Well, now...actually, um... Red...umm...

ERIC: You know, Mom, I got this one. Okay, uh, everyone here who's not being sued by Earl for wrongful termination...raise their hand (Kitty and Eric raise their hand).

FORMAN BASEMENT

Donna is reading; Kelso is pacing around.

KELSO: I don't get Jackie, man. I mean, picking Fez over me? Me? I have the three things that women want. I'm-I'm hot, and I'm smart.

DONNA: That's two things, moron.

KELSO: No, it's three. I count hot twice. I mean, come on.

DONNA: Kelso, who cares? It's a stupid roller disco thing.

KELSO: Yeah, I guess you're right. It's silly for me to be jealous. You're a good friend, Donna.

DONNA: Yeah. 'Cause when you think about it, I mean, what does Fez have going for him... except an incredibly sexy accent and an extremely hot body?

KELSO: Okay. Now you're being a bad friend, Donna.

DONNA: I mean, come to think of it, if Fez helps Jackie win a roller disco... she might rip his clothes off and have sex with him right there on the rink. That's how hot he is.

KELSO: Bad friend, Donna! Bad!

FORMAN LIVING ROOM

Kitty and Eric are on the couch; Red is reading the complaint.

RED: Oh, look at this guy's complaint. "Red Forman was habitually ill-tempered." Am I ill-tempered?

ERIC: No, sir. You're like Mary Poppins.

KITTY: Okay, honey. Well, it says here you have to go to the labor board. You know what, Red Forman, you have to go in there and defend yourself.

RED: Oh, I'll defend myself. I'll go in there, and I'll tell those morons... that they're wasting my time with this stupid crap!

KITTY: Or...you could control your temper.

ERIC: No offense, Mom, but what's plan "B"?

RED: Hey, shut it, pal.

KITTY: Okay, now, see, that's the kind of thing that's gonna get you in trouble. Now, when...when I get really angry, I just...I laugh it off... like this. Ahahaha! See?

RED: Oh, geez, Kitty. That'll never work. That's dumb.

KITTY: Ahahahaha!

ROLLER DISCO

A pair has just finished their routine. Donna and Kelso are in the audience

DONNA: Oh, my God. I think Jackie and Fez are next. Look! There they are!

KELSO: Hey! The next contestants are cheaters. The brown guy is a robot.

DONNA: Robot? Shut up.

MAN ON P.A.: Ladies and gentleman...welcome to the rink our last contestants of the evening-from Point Place, Wisconsin, Jackie Burkhart and, uh...Jackie Burkhart's Partner.!

KELSO: Boo!

Jackie and Fez start their routine

DONNA: This is so cool. Oh, my God. They're amazing!

KELSO: Oh, did you see that? Fez just tripped.

DONNA: No, he didn't.

KELSO: The foreign guy tripped. That's a deduction right there. You're gonna lose!

DONNA: Kelso, shut up.

KELSO: That's it. They're doing too well (he grunts and pulls something from his pants)

DONNA: What the hell is that?

KELSO: It's my secret weapon.

DONNA: A marble?

KELSO: Yep. I'm gonna chuck it out there so they trip.

DONNA: You moron, it's one marble. Give me that. Give me that (she wrestles him for it)

KELSO: No! No!

They wrestle more, and then Kelso swallows the marble. Jackie and Fez end their routine

KELSO: Boo! Boo! Boo!

CROWD: Whoo!

KELSO: Oh, no. They were good. I swallowed my marble.

Jackie and Fez join them to wait for their scores

KELSO: Boo!

DONNA: Oh, my God. You guys were so great.

JACKIE: I know. I know. And even when I almost tripped, my natural grace totally saved us.

KELSO: Well, I saw plenty of mistakes out there, especially from Fez.

FEZ: Shut your hole. Here come the scores.

[Drumroll]

MAN ON P.A.: And the winner of Kenosha's Annual Roller Disco Doo-dah is...Jackie Burkhart and...

DONNA&JACKIE: Oh, my God! (Jackie hugs Fez)

MAN ON P.A.: Friend.

KELSO: Fix! Fix!

JACKIE: I can't believe it! I'm so sorry I doubted you. You...You are my hero...My...my hunky, sexy, foreign skating hero!

FEZ: And you are my...my spoiled, whiny skating princess.

JACKIE: Oh, Fez, thank you! (A man hands them champagne) Yaaaay, champagne! Yaaay!

KELSO: Yaaaay! Yaaay! (he rubs Jackie's back)

JACKIE: Get off me. Kelso, you booed us the entire time. What? No! That was some rude guy. So I popped him one, and then I was goin', "Ooh," because I hurt my hand when I popped the rude guy. So... you're welcome. You wanna kiss it?

JACKIE: Let's go, Fez (they leave)

DONNA: Hmm. Come on, Kelso. Look at the bright side.

KELSO: What's the bright side?

DONNA: The bright side is there isn't one. Fez has Jackie, and you have to squeeze out that marble.

PRICE MART CANTEEN

Eric and Red are at one end of a tale, a mediator is on the other end

MEDIATOR: Now, Mr. Forman, at any point did you ever berate Earl Arthur... by calling him any of the following names: Candy-ass... dumb-ass, lazy-ass- Uh, it- it just goes on like that.

RED: Well, that sounds like just good-natured ribbin' to me.

MEDIATOR: Doesn't sound that way to me.

RED: Hehehehe. Are you callin' me a liar? 'Cause it's funny if ya are. Well, you know, Eric worked with him too. Eric, tell him about Earl.

MEDIATOR: Actually, I'd be more interested in hearing what Eric thinks about working with you. Eric?

ERIC: No. No, no, no, no. I'm-I'm here...just to answer questions about Earl- old, dumb Earl. So, you know, you fire away with the Earl questions.

MEDIATOR: I think we know all we need to know about Earl.

ERIC: Oh, then good. I'll just step out then. Good. This was good.

MEDIATOR: No, no, no, no. Eric, just a few more questions. Is your father ever unnecessarily angry?

ERIC: Unnecessarily angry. Well....ahem....you know, what does "unnecessarily" mean really? I mean, my sister likes to put salt on roast beef... but I think it's unnecessary. I mean, why cover up the flavor of such a delicious meat?

RED: Just answer the question, dumb-ass! I mean...hehehehe...Good work, Son.

VISTA CRUISER

Jackie (drunk) and Fez are sitting in the car

JACKIE: Oh, my God. I love champagne!

FEZ: Yes. Was it any good?

JACKIE: Great. Just great. Hey, Fez, I just made up a poem. Do you want to hear it?

FEZ: Okay.

JACKIE: There once was a guy named Fez...who had a really cute butt. Ta-da!

FEZ: Well, I have to say I don't hate it.

JACKIE: Hey- Psst...Fezzie...do you want to know a secret? If you try to kiss me right now... I probably wouldn't stop you [Giggles] In fact... I'd probably let you do more than that.

A little Batman appears on Fez' shoulder

BATMAN: Fez...

FEZ: Huh!

BATMAN: Good God, man. Don't do it. She is drunk.

FEZ: But, Batman, she is so hot.

BATMAN: But she's drunk. There is no honor in this.

A little Riddler appears on his other shoulder

RIDDLER: Ah, screw honor. Take her pants off.

FEZ: Ay!

BATMAN: Riddler, nefarious fiend. Don't do it, Fez. It's a trap.

RIDDLER: Riddle me this, Fez. Why would Jackie ask you to make out with her if she didn't want you to?

FEZ: Seriously, he makes an excellent point.

BATMAN: It's the dastardly alcohol talking. If you and Jackie get together, you want it to be real, not like this.

FEZ: Honestly, I was rooting for you... but imaginary Batman makes a lot of sense.

RIDDLER: Then riddle me this. What does Batman know about girls? Slides down a pole and lives with a teenage boy. Enough said.

FEZ: Okay. Now I have to say, advantage Riddler.

BATMAN: What are you trying to say, Riddler?

RIDDLER: I think you know what I'm trying to say. Ooh-la-la.

BATMAN: Oh, you want to go, question dork?

RIDDLER: Oh, bring it on, bat-wuss.

They jump back into Fez' head through his ears and start to fight

JACKIE: So...are you gonna kiss me, Fez?

FEZ: No, I am sorry, Jackie.

JACKIE: That's okay. You still have a very cute butt (they hug)

ROLLER DISCO

Donna and Kelso are the only ones left

DONNA: Come on, Kelso. So Jackie likes Fez. Big deal. You're going out with Laurie.

KELSO: I know. It's just, you know... seeing her with another guy just made me remember all the good times we had together... and it just made me sad.

DONNA: Yeah. Come here (she puts her arm around him) You know, Kelso... I guess underneath it all you're kind of a good guy. Sometimes. Sort of. Things'll work themselves out

KELSO: Yeah, I know (he tries to kiss her)

DONNA: What the hell are you doing?

KELSO: We can't fight these feelings anymore, Donna.

DONNA: What?

KELSO: What? We've been doing this dance all night... and, oh, God, I'm tired of dancing.

DONNA: You moron! (she hits him and walks off)

KELSO: Nobody likes a tease, Donna! I'm sorry. You're not a tease. Come back. Tease! I'm sorry. Donna!

PRICE MART CANTEEN

Eric and Red are at one end of a tale, a mediator is on the other end

ERIC: I guess "violent" is the wrong word... but, you know, it's definitely some kind of rage. Although, I mean, you know, Earl had it coming. I love you, Daddy.

Earl comes in panting

EARL: Oh, hey. Sorry I'm late.

MEDIATOR: Hour and 10 minutes late. I can only assume you're Earl.

EARL: Yeah. So, um, sorry. My, uh, dog got hit by a...a guy in a....

RED: Car?

EARL: Thanks, Red. So, what'd I miss?

MEDIATOR: You missed everything. Okay. I'm not gonna lie. Mr. Forman, you...you scare the living hell out of me. No offense.

RED: None taken.

ERIC: That's kind of his thing.

MEDIATOR: But, Earl, in light of your failure to show up for your own hearing... we have no choice but to rule in favor of Mr. Forman.

RED: Yes, sir!

ERIC: Way to go, Dad!

EARL: Damn... dog.

MEDIATOR: And Mr. Forman, even though this hearing did go your way today...in light of some of your son's responses... I would strongly encourage you to go to anger management classes.

RED: Sure, I'll...I'll do that (Earl and the mediator leave)

ERIC: Neat! Anger management. That sounds like it could be kind of fun, right? We...We won. Hey! You and me...We're such a good team. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah. We did it. How about us, huh? Stickin' it to the man.

RED: I'll see you at home (he leaves)

ERIC: Wait. But, Dad, we...we drove here together! (he runs after him)

FORMAN BASEMENT

Hyde, Fez and Kelso are talking

FEZ: Then she fell asleep, and I stroke her hair.

HYDE: You did the right thing, Fez, but a word of advice. Next time you tell the story, ya nailed her.

KELSO: Yeah, but, you know, it's better you didn't... 'cause scammin' on another guy's woman- That's totally breaking the code.

ERIC (storming in): Donna told me what you did, you dill-hole! (he pushes Kelso onto the couch)

KELSO: No, she's lying! Oh! That's my nipple!

Hyde and Fez join Eric in beating up Kelso

END CREDITS

FORMAN BASEMENT

Jackie is sitting on the couch reading, Fez comes in (drunk)

FEZ: Hello...buttercup.

JACKIE: Fez, you're drunk.

FEZ: Madam, I may be drunk, but you should have sex with me.

JACKIE: That's crazy.

FEZ: But you have to, because last night...I made a big mistake.

JACKIE: I don't even remember last night.

FEZ (falling to the floor): Ay!

THE END