Spaghetti Western & Meatballs

Okay.

Burn unit, commence.

You go first.

Oh, I play soccer, 'cause I forgot I have hands.

Burn! I'm on the news, because I have a huge head.

Burn!

Louise: I can't outrun a lawnmower 'cause my dress is so tight.

Oh! I'm dead.

Burn.

(Stirring Western music plays)

Whoa.

It's Banjo.

Oh, I'm a cowboy, and I got...

Wait, wait, wait.

Suspend burn unit.

This is a great movie.

It's a Spaguetti Western, the best one, underappreciated.

He plays a Banjo.

Yeah, I can see that.

And they made a whole bunch of these.

Dad. Do we have anything bigger than this?

Oh, Gene, what'd you do?

Nothing, yet. Just planning ahead.

(Gunfire on television)

What are you guys watching?

Nothing.

Go back to bed.

The burn unit is just me and dad.

(Gunfire)

Whoa! Did he just shoot bullets out of his Banjo?

Yes.

Damn!

Oh, you like that, Gene? 'Cause we're changing the channel.

No, no. Let's watch it.

This is pretty much the beginning.

What? What?!

Gene, sit here.

(Grunts) It's like pushing a couch off the couch!

Yah!

Here.

Hold my plunger.

Louise: Yah!

Gene: Ow!

Linda: Oh!

We are just so thrilled that you chose us to cater the event.

(Quietly): Mom, mom... fill me up.

I just hope we can live up to last year's event. Mom.

That Colleen Caviello, mom...

She really outdid herself.

And never lets anyone forget about it.

Just fill up the little mug.

Ouch.

Right. Right, right.

Okay, Mr. Frond.

Good-bye. Good-bye.

So what are we catering?

That sounded promising.

Oh, it's a real big deal, Bobby.

It's a fund-raiser for Tina's conflict resolution club.

Colleen Caviello made the food last year.

This year she can go...

Blow a balloon.

Yay! You're catering our fund-raiser.

That's great.

How much does it pay?

Nothing.

Nothing?

It's a benefit, Bobby.

It's a spaghetti dinner.

But we don't make spaghetti.

This is school fund-raising, Bob... it's a pasta game.

You make spaghetti, or you go home.

Besides, it's for a good cause.

Oh, yeah... to one-up Colleen Caviello.

That's a, that's a great cause.

You weren't there, Bob!

You don't know how awful it was.

(Slow, distorted): This is delicious.

(Slow, distorted): Oh my God, I love this ziti.

(Slow, distorted laughter)

(Distorted laughter continues)

(Slow, distorted): They love my ziti.

And that was the worst day of my life.

Anyway, this isn't about Colleen, this is about Tina.

We're raising money to buy a bulletproof trash can so gang members can finally throw out their guns. Aw.

And we're teaching conflict resolution skills you can use in your own lives.

That's right, Tina.

And Mr. Frond is running the whole thing.

Ugh, Mr. Frond?

He's a tall drink of...

Annoying.

That may be true, but you're gonna drink that drink, mister.

I don't want to.

I have worked too hard to get us this event, so you'll be nice to Frond, and you'll make spaghetti and meatballs!

No... no...

Yes... yes!

Fine, but I'm gonna half-ass it.

Yay.

Dad, check it out.

Little princess guitar.

Gene, that's mine!

You never use it.

I'm like Banjo.

What's the bad guy's name?

Ceviche.

Ceviche, yeah.

He reminds me of this kid at school... Choo-Choo.

Choo-Choo?

Yeah. He's kind of my Nemesis.

If I'm telling a joke, he'll say the punch line before I do.

A vampire walks into a bar and says I'll have a...

I'll have a blood lite.

Huh?

What do you call a Spanish guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto! Rober...

(Groans)

What kind of bees make milk?

Boo-bees!

Boo-bees!

(Angry grunting)

So, I'm gonna use this guitar to stand up to Choo-Choo like Banjo.

That's, uh...

That's great, Gene.

But I think your face is wrong.

My face is wrong?!

Yeah, you should do the Banjo icy stare.

Like this?

(Chuckles)

No. Not like that.

(Growling)

No, no, no.

Don't growl. That...

Like this?

Hmm.

Maybe try that.

Is Choo-Choo scared of stroke victims?

Terrified.

Hey, Gene, Gene.

How do you plead?

I'm innocent.

Your fingerprints were all over the murder weapon.

I don't have fingers.

Your honor!

I don't have time for this.

What?! You don't have time for food court?

Where are you going?

Hey. Wanna hear a good one?

(Groans)

What's green and sings?

Go ahead. Do it.

El...

Ah.

(Plays note)

Elvis P...

Elvis Par...

Ah!

(Plays note)

Forget it.

I'll tell you what's green and sings...

Elvis Parsley.

(Laughing)

You don't say the punch lines to other people's jokes anymore.

You got that, Poo-Poo?

(Plays note, kid guffaws)

What the hell?

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, everyone.

Thank you.

Anyway... Gene, look.

They're about to announce the verdict.

Guilty.

No!

Take him away.

Gene, where are you going?

What's up with Gene?

I don't know, Lasagna.

(Sighs) I don't know.

You know, cooking spaghetti isn't even cooking.

It's just, like, boiling water.

Hey, Bobby, can I come to this thing?

Uh, I don't think so.

Why not? Some of these moms are divorced, right?

They meet me, I meet their kids.

Maybe throw the ball around.

Not inside, but... uh, we agreed no more school events for you, Teddy.

Hey, dad. Guess what?

What?

I acted like Banjo and took Choo-Choo down.

(Plays chord) Everyone laughed.

Well, one kid laughed.

Peter Pescadero.

He has a learning disability.

Yeah, but he knows what's funny.

(Plays note) Now that you stood up for yourself...

Oh, congratulations, Gene...

Can we stop talking about it?

Okay, tonight, I propose, dad, that after everyone else goes to bed... Gene...

We fire up the burn unit and we watch Canine Criminals, and then that stretching show, and then maybe a little Beetlejuice in Español Beetlejugo. Beetlejugo.

Beetlejugo.

Ay, ay, ay, ay!

I would, except a certain best dad in the world went out and got this!

It's the complete Banjo box set!

All 12 DVDs and over 28 hours of extras.

Yeah!

28 hours?!

Dad, can I... see that fork for a minute?

Um... here.

Thank you.

And I just want to...

(Grunting)

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey!

(Screaming): No!

Best part right here, Gene.

There's only gonna be two shots, me shooting you, and then me drinking this shot of whiskey.

(Shot fires on TV)

Wow.

Oh, what a line.

Go ahead, watch your stupid movie.

There are other people for me to hang out with around here.

Tina, get up.

Let's hang out.

Okay. Maybe we can practice conflict resolution.

Say something mean to me so I can not react.

Anything I want?

Yeah.

Ha-ha!

Well, uh, your room looks like it was decorated by a perverted jockey.

When you say that, what I feel is that you're trying to hurt my feelings.

Oh, my God.

Why do you talk so (slowly): Slow?

When you say that, what I feel is that you're trying to hurt...

Oh man, Tina.

This is really, really boring.

Okay, well...

Hey, mom, you want to hang out?

Oh, I'd love that!

Oh, mother-daughter bonding time.

Just like me and my mother.

Ooh! Makeover!

Hmm...

Okay, my little cowpokes.

Time for school.

You can watch the rest tonight.

Mom!

How could you?

How could I what?

How could you encourage this?

Oh, Louise, don't be a pill.

A little father-son bonding is going on here and that's a good thing.

These two don't always do it so well.

Tambourine solo!

Sheesh.

All right, this is how you throw a spiral.

You ready?

Here comes a bullet.

Hmm.

Oh, stupid ball!

It's 'cause there's no laces.

I'm hungry.

All right, we're done.

Go inside.

I want peanut butter!

It turns out we bond better over movies that I like to watch, that I make Gene watch.

Yeah.

Oh, that's...

That's adorable.

I'm going to school.

Good.

Great.

Why don't you learn something and become a lawyer.

Abs: The conflict resolution program sweeping our school.

You all know my system, and at the spaghetti dinner, so will your parents or legal guardians, um, Becky, 'cause your mom's in jail.

Tina, Jocelyn, Jimmy junior... let's rehearse.

Becky, you just watch.

Tina here just found out that her best friend Jocelyn told Jimmy junior that Tina, is "whack."

And... acting.

Tina, Jocelyn told me you are whack.

Jocelyn, you skank.

I hate you.

Whatever. It's true.

You are whack.

(Both grunting stiffly)

And... freeze!

Well, that resolved nothing.

Let's rewind, shall we?

(Imitating rewinding tape)

Let's work out our abs. A!

Access your feelings!

When you gossiped about me to Jimmy junior, it hurt my feelings.

B: Be apologetic!

Sorry.

S: Slap it!

Well done.

Do it just like that at the dinner.

Oh, enjoy your lunch, everyone.

If you ever gossip about me to Jimmy junior outside of a conflict resolution skit, I'll punch you in the face.

It was just a skit, Tina.

I will punch you.

Again and again, and again and again...

My God, what a psycho.

And again and again...

And again and again and...

Well, the important thing is, I shared this movie with Gene and it helped him stand up for himself at school.

Eh, I beat up a lot of kids like Gene when I was his age.

Not that I was a bully... just kids like Gene, you know?

That get beat up.

Bob, how are the meatballs comin'?

Because they need to be perfect.

Hey, it's just like your burgers, only spherical!

Hey!

Hey, what?

They're not for you.

They're for me to show off in front of the other moms at the fund-raiser.

Bobby, make one extra-big for Colleen Caviello to choke on.

Okay.

All right, looks like I'm sitting with you today.

Here's the pecking order: Me, then either of you.

Which sticker do you like better, my purple ladybug or Susie's red one?

And good-bye.

Hey there, Spew-Spew.

Funny seeing you here.

In the cafeteria during lunch?

Yeah.

(Plays note)

Why do you keep doing that?

Keep doing what?

(Plays note)

You're weird!

Weird? I think you mean anti-hero.

Look at the hat.

It's mom's sun hat, you dork.

You like finishing my jokes.

Well, finish my food.

Gene, you are being a class act jerk.

This is all about jokes from your stupid joke book.

You've insulted Jokes for Blokes for the last time.

(Grunts)

Oh, don't you even think about it, Gene.

Food fight!

(Kids grunting)

(Slow, distorted): No...!

And these two, Bob, were throwing at each other.

I hate you.

I hate you.

They seem to be in conflict.

I'm sure we can, uh, work through it.

I'd like you to take a look at my abs.

Um, no thank you.

Show him your abs, Mr. Frond.

We'd all like to see your abs.

Okay.

I really don't.

And your ding-dong.

Gene.

Gene, why don't you access how it makes you feel that Louise is angry with you.

Fine.

(Plays note)

That's all I'm gonna say.

Well, this is all I'm gonna say.

Hi-yah!

(Grunting)

Let go of my...

H-hey.

L-Louise, Louise, Louise.

You're not using your abs.

Um, this is dumb.

(Chuckles): Bo... Bob.

Yes.

When you say "this is dumb," it makes me feel like pinching you in the eye.

(Laughs): Why did you do that?

So we can resolve this and set a good example for your children.

Okay.

I will now kick you in the shin.

(Chuckles)

Okay. Okay.

All right.

(Plays note)

Hey!

Don't throw repressed memory Emily!

She won't remember this.

Well, this is really working out, Mr. Frond.

Your system is amazing.

Ho. No, no, no, no, no.

We're gonna go.

You know what I forgot to say?

Detention! Detention!

And you, I am gonna cut you!

I am gonna cut you out of the conflict resolution spaghetti dinner!

Wha... oh, come on, you can't...

Too late! The conflict resolution spaghetti dinner will now be a conflict resolution fast.

Well, that didn't go so well.

Mm-mm.

Yeah, he seemed angry.

Frothy.

And kind of bloated, right?

Mm.

Maybe he's dehydrated.

(Groans) Your mother's gonna kill me.

Frond: So glad we had a chance to talk this out!

(Grunting, punch thuds)

Emily, I'm sorry!

Detention?!

And we're banned from catering the peace club dinner!

Bobby!

I'm sorry, Lin, I...

I can't even tell you how many favors I had to call in to cater that thing.

How many?

Two!

Tina, you're supposed to be watching the restaurant.

I'm too upset to serve food.

W-what'd you do?

Did you lock up?

Yes.

Were there customers inside?

I don't know.

No one's gonna come to the fund-raiser now.

Good job, Bobby!

It's not my fault, Lin.

It was Mr. Frond's fault.

And Louise's.

And Gene's!

And most of all, that stupid movie.

Hey!

Hey, don't blame the movie.

All right.

Leave bingo out of this!

Shut up!

(All arguing)

All of you!

I'm locking these movies in my jewelry drawer.

Aw, come on.

Unfair!

'Bout time.

You're overreacting, Lin.

The hell I am!

I'm in charge of a spaghetti dinner that's not gonna have any spaghetti!

If we all just worked on our abs...

Not now with that crap, Tina!

I can't believe I got detention.

I can't believe I got detention.

If I were you, I would teach Gene a lesson he'll never forget.

I had a perfect record.

And then you tainted it.

Taint.

Looks like you got Choo-Choo right where you want him.

Just give him that icy stare with some little princess and finish him.

You want a little of this?

(Shuddering fearfully)

Oh. Oh, yeah, he wants it.

Now give him the icy stare.

(Growls)

Put him in his place.

You're dead!

Quiet!

(Over headphones): ♪ Sexual, sexual ♪

(Grunting along to funk music)

Okay, well, I'm gonna go get Gene and Louise from detention.

Great! Bring some meatballs.

Got plenty of meatballs.

All dressed up and nowhere to go.

Mmm.

Meatball. Mmm.

All right.

(Chewing noisily)

I'm gonna leave.

Gene, this happens now!

Uh, how are we doing this?

Staring contest?

(Howls)

Joke-off?

Kick his ass, Choo-Choo!

Why are their shirts off?

Oh, boy.

I didn't want to do this.

I haven't even pressed the blue button yet.

I don't even know what sound...

(Howling, screaming)

Fight! Fight!

Fight...! Stop.

There's not gonna be a fight.

Oh, thank God.

Let me go!

This train is off the tracks.

Choo-Choo!

Oh, I get the name now.

I always thought it was 'cause of how he chewed.

'Cause he chews like a train.

Hey, calm down.

Let's go home, Gene.

You touching my kid?

Sorry. What?

I said, you touching my kid?

Oh, he was attacking my kid.

Oh, yeah? Good.

What is going on with the shirts?

I'm gonna beat your ass so bad I can skip the gym tonight.

Dad, this is bad.

Boys: Fight! Fight!

Thank you, Louise.

Fight! Fight...!

I have it under control.

This happens now!

Choo-Choo: Kill him!

(Yelling)

Run!

I can't.

I've got this friggin' guitar around my neck!

Louise: Ha!

(Both yelling)

Bob: Oh, Gene, push down.

I'm trying.

All right.

(Grunts) Louise: Ow.

All right, just so we're clear, we're not hiding from those guys.

We're respectfully declining their invitation for a fight, okay?

Right.

No, thank you.

I would absolutely get into a fight under the right circumstances, if...

(Sniffs) What's that smell?

Oh, Gene!

Gene!

I'm sorry! Hey, shh, shh.

I hear them.

(Gasps) They're coming.

Real...?

You-you hear them?

Gotcha.

Louise, enough.

You've been stirring the pot for three days, and acting like a baby.

Now you owe your brother an apology for getting him in trouble.

Me?!

Both of you owe me an apology.

Both of us? Why?

Because we wanted to watch Banjo?

Because you stopped hanging out with me.

What? Shh.

Use your slide voices.

First, the burn unit stopped hanging out.

Then, the lunch bunch stopped hanging out.

God, we have lame names.

Who the hell am I gonna hang around, if not you two?

Mom and Tina... the menstruation nation?

Ugh! That's a really bad name.

You're all I've got.

Louise, I'm sorry.

Me, too. Don't cry.

Ha! Got you.

You thought I was really crying.

Gross.

(Farts)

Gene, stop.

Oh, my God.

I can't help it.

It's anxiety.

And turkey jerky.

(Sniffs) It's so incredible.

Your farts smell like mine.

Really?

Oh, great. Are you guys bonding again?

I'm sorry, but that's a huge discovery.

A fart is like a fingerprint, and we have the same fingerprints.

High-five.

Ugh! Put your hand up.

All right.

I swear my farts smell like your farts, dad.

I don't think so, Louise.

Oh, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

(Farts quietly) Huh?

(Sniffs) No. That smells like your mom's.

No!

Oh, your mom.

What are we gonna do about mom and Tina?

They could live in here with us!

I think I know a better way.

I'm starving.

How embarrassing.

Guess people will be talking about my baked ziti for another year.

(Mocking): Guess people will be talking about my baked ziti for another year.

Oh, Linda, I didn't see you.

Hi, Coll.

How are you?

(Amplified over P.A.): Uh...

Thank you.

Tonight, with your help, we raised over $100.

It was $110.

I warned you, skank!

(Grunting)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Girls, please.

It's not time for the skit.

This isn't a skit. It's...

This is real life.

Last year, the only fighting was to get seconds on my ziti!

Okay, that's it, Colleen.

Let me tell you about that ziti.

That sauce was store-bought, and you know it.

(Gasping)

Ladies, please!

I thought I told you, Bob.

You and your spaghetti aren't welcome here.

But I want to say something.

No, thank you.

I've had enough of your hurt speech.

Would it make a difference if I...

Worked on my abs?

Oh.

I want to... a...

What was a again?

Anus.

Amyl nitrate.

Access... I want to access my feelings.

Frond: Mm.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, enough, enough, enough, enough.

Everyone's about to kill each other here.

Let's... let's eat!

Linda: All right!

Meatballs! Meatballs!

Get your meatballs here.

And spaghetti.

Here, Colleen, why don't you put these balls in your face?

Louise: Food fight!

Bob & Linda: No, no, no...!