Are You My Mummy?

Scene opens up showing a movie theater shaped like the Sphinx.

Lawrence: Do you know kids, this theater was built over 70 years ago in this Neo-Egyptian style. And apparently, there used to be a pharaoh's tomb display with a mummy in a sarcophagus. I mean, you couldn't pick a better place to watch a classic, old mummy movie.

Man: [In movie] There's an inscription here. An- an incantation of some sort. "Owah Tagu Siam!"

Phineas: Dad, where do you find a mummy?

Lawrence: Hidden deep in the bowels of the pyramids. [Phone rings] Oops, I better put this on vibrate.

Explorer: [In movie] The incantation will make the mummy come to life and obey your commands. Well, beat me with a chicken. Ow! [Chicken clucking, Punches landing] Stop!

Phineas: Dad, is it hard to get into a pyramid?

Lawrence: Yes, indeed. Often you had to negotiate many booby traps that were set centuries before. Explorer: [In movie] You ridiculous mummy. You just tripped one of your own booby traps. [Rumbling] She's gonna blow! [Screaming]

Phineas: Awesome booby trap! Ferb, we should get our own mummy.

(Song: My Undead Mummy)

Ba da ba ba da bah

Let me tell you 'bout my buddy, he's 3,000 years old

He's wrapped in bandages and covered in moldy debris

My Undead mummy and me

Mm-mm

If a bully ever tries to poke me in the eye

I'll introduce him to my decomposing guy and he'll flee

[Buford screams]

From My Undead Mummy and me

[Nose blowing]

All the kids at school are gonna have a conniption

When they get a load of my funky Egyptian emcee...

[Record scratch]

My Undead Mummy and me

Yeah...

Undead Mummy and me

Phineas: That would be awesome! [At Dad] Dad, can we--

Lawrence: [Snoring]

Phineas: Come on, Ferb. We'll be back before he wakes up.

Candace: Oh, those bozos aren't pulling anything on my watch! [Grunts]

Phineas: Hey, Ferb. Where's Perry?

Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P. Doofenshmirtz is at it again. It appears that he's purchased a string of odd items: One pound of blood sausage-- Uh, that's my grocery list. Here it is. One magnet, one map of the city's drainage pipes and 2 tons of scrap metal. It's in your hands now, Agent P. Over and out.

Doo be doo be doo ba, doo be doo be doo ba

Doo be doo be doo ba...

Computer voice: Dive. Dive. Dive.

[Thud; Metal scraping]

Phineas: Mr. Employee, sir, where's the mummy exhibit?

Employee: [Presses button] Manager assistance requested.

Employee #2: Yes?

Employee: These boys want to know where the mummy exhibit is.

Employee #2: It's in storage. In the basement.

Phineas: Guess who's goin' to the basement!

Woman: Uh, excuse me, where are the restrooms?

Employee: Manager assistance requested.

Employee #2: Yes?

Candace: There they go.

[Door squeaks]

Phineas: Look! Pith helmets! We might be going the right way. Say something pithy.

Candace: That's it. I'm calling Dad.

[Phone vibrates]

Lawrence: [Laughs] Ohh...

Candace: Oh, forget it. I'm going in myself.

[Velvet rope barriers clanking]

[Screams]

Phineas: Did you hear that? Maybe it's the mummy.

Candace: [Screams] Ew, my shoe is all squishy!

[Ball rolling, Door and stairs clanking]

Phineas: Uh, Ferb? What are you doing? Woah! Who know looking for mummies would be so much fun? Watch this! [Thud] Ugh!

[Ball rolling]

Hey, Ferb, this was our first booby trap! Woo! Hey, look! The storage! We're here!

Candace: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, when I catch them... [Ball rolling] [Screams]

[Pipe breaks]

[Pipe and vent clanging] Oh, give me a break!

[Ball rolling, Elevator bell]

Candace: [Elevator bell]

(Song: I'm Lindana and I Wanna Have Fun! elevator music)

[Screams, Ball rolling; Continues screaming]

[Crash]

Bubble gum? Oh, really old, stale bubble gum! [Grunting] Phineas!

[Water bubbling]

Doofenshmirtz: Almost done, just this one more little bit!

[Suspense music]

Perry the Platypus! As usual, your timing is incredible! And by "Incredible", of course I mean: COMPLETELY CREDIBLE! [Laser fires] No use, Perry the Platypus! I made this out of something that cannot be penetrated! Pure evil! And a blend of space-age polymers. You see, Perry the Platypus, I'm going to unleash the water held by this dam into that huge drainage pipe that leads directly to the ocean. The additional water will raise the sea level by 2%, and then my property one block from the shoreline will become beachfront property! [Laughs maniacally] And to release the water from the dam, I've invented a ray, which attracts wood like it attracts metal: The Wood-Inator! Which was almost complete until you rudely interrupted me. Oh, look at this, Perry. It's my paintbrush. You know, the one you knocked out of my hand a few moments ago. Maybe you want to take it back from me now, huh? Huh, you want to try? [Laughs] Goodbye, Perry the Platypus! [Laughs maniacally]

Phineas: Owah Tagu Siam! [Air hissing] There's nothing here but fakey promotional lobby junk. For all we know, there might not be such thing as a mummy. [At Mummy Candace] Yeah, I'll be right with you. I mean-- [Gasps] Candace: Phineas!

Phineas: [Screams; Slams door]

(Egyptian Guitar Solo)

[Candace screams]

Phineas: Wow, I didn't expect them to be so scary. I mean, can you imagine the angry, twisted soul hidden under those bandages?

Candace: Phineas!

Phineas: Makes me shudder. But you know what? We came down here looking for a mummy, and I'm not leaving without one. Let's get him!

(Egyptian Guitar Solo continues)

Hey, Ferb. We got our own mummy! Now, how are we going to get it home?

Doofenshmirtz: And... finished! [Button beep]

[Perry chatters]

[Beaver trills]

[Drilling sound]

Perry!

It is working! [Laughs] This is functioning properly!

[Perry chatters]

[Gasps] Perry the Platypus? You defeated my bubble of pure evil? Ooh! [Lasers firing; Water flooding] Oh, no! What? [Bubble pops] Is my nose really that pointy? [Screaming and grunting]

Phineas: You know what this is? Our second booby trap! [Water splashing] There you are, Perry.

[Perry chatters]

WOO-HOO-HOO! OH YEAH! WOO-HOO! OH YEAH!

Hey, Candace, you missed all the fun. Allow me to introduce our mummy. Hey, where's our mummy? Mummy? Mummy?

Lawrence: Well, Mummy has supper waiting for us at home. [At Candace] Candace, why are you all wet?

Candace: [Growls]

Ferb: You know, mummies had their brains pulled out through their nose.

Candace: [Scoffs] The lucky ones.

Credits roll

(Song: My Undead Mummy)

Let me tell you 'bout my buddy, he's 3,000 years old

He's wrapped in bandages and covered in moldy debris

My Undead mummy and me

Mm-mm

All the kids at school are gonna have a conniption

When they get a load of my funky Egyptian emcee...

[Record scratch]

My Undead Mummy and me

Yeah...

Undead Mummy and me