Thelma & Louise Except Thelma is Linda

(panting) Did you get it? Linda, did you get it? - Ha, I got it! (whoops) - Yes! What are you, uh what are you guys talking about? The bake sale! The Wagstaff School Bake Sale. - What am I talking about. - Oh, right. - (sighs) - You-you know about that? Yeah. Linda told me about it. She ran it three years ago, and Colleen Caviello tanked it to make Linda look bad. Yeah. She went behind my back and told everyone to bring banana bread. - So we had nothing but banana bread. - BOB; Oh, right. - I looked like an idiot. - Y-You did. And ever since then, Colleen's taken it over and run that bake sale like it's her own exclusive club. But now it's Linda's turn again! Yeah. Mr. Frond called last night. I'm going to show Mean Colleen Cavi-smello how it's done. So, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. You knew last night? - Yeah. - And you didn't call me? - Um - That's fine. I was up thinking about it, but that's fine. - Oh. Yeah. - (phone rings) Bob's Burgers. This is Linda. Mr. Frond! You must be calling about the bake sale! I was thinking we could do a theme, like Masquerade or Vegas, Baby! Mr. Frond: No not that it's about your daughter Louise she got in trouble for pulling down a boys pants you have to get to the office right away Oh, no! Okay. One of us will be right there. Louise is in deep trouble, and one of us has to go down to the office. Oh. Okay. You? Yeah, me. I just got the bake sale. I am not going to lose it because one of our kids is a delinquent. Right. You've worked too hard, Linda! You've come too far. - Do not lose this! - Okay, okay. I'm not. Don't lose it! - I'm not! - Where's your keys? You have everything? Where's your purse? Oh, my keys, my keys. Oh, my God. My-my purse. Ugh. Okay. Wait, wait, wait! Let me fix your hair. Hold on. I got to go! I got to go! Okay, okay. Go! FROND: Are you familiar with in-school suspension, Linda? Uh, is it like you're suspended - but you stay at school? - Mm, not exactly. It's Yes, that's basically it. We've found that regular suspension was like a day off for the children, whereas in-school suspension is more punitive and educational. They sit alone in a room, supervised by me, and write an essay on what they did wrong. What did Louise do wrong? She pulled down a boy's pants, exposing his underpants. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I only did it because Timmy and Scott O'Brien took Pocket Sized Rudy's lunch and wouldn't give it back. He's so little. He needs to eat. - And no one else was helping. - Oh. Knowing the O'Brien brothers, that's probably true, Louise, - but - Thank you! Am I a hero? I don't know. But Wagstaff has a zero tolerance pantsing policy. We're part of a national program called No Pants Pulled Off Behinds. Your actions were not appropriate. (groans) Well, sounds like she was trying to help another kid. Yes! I was! Linda, zero tolerance means zero tolerance. Not some tolerance. Are we not on the same page? Oh! Uh, no, same page. Absolutely. We're gonna be working together on that bake sale, and now this whole thing happens, you know? What a crazy world. Mm. Ah yes, the bake sale. It's nice that you stuck up for the little guy, Louise, but what you did was wrong. Real wrong. Great. Thanks, Mom. I just need you to sign this permission slip acknowledging that Louise will spend the rest of the day in in-school suspension and that you will come and pick her up after school. That's what you get for sticking your neck out and doing the right thing. I'll just keep my head down - and mind my own business. - Hmm. (groans) Shoot. I completely forgot. I have to take my mother to the podiatrist. She has six ingrown toenails. - On one foot. - (gags) Ooh, she sounds nice. Anyway, we can ask Ms. Schnur to supervise Louise. I'm sure she'll agree. - No. - Please, Ms. Schnur. I wouldn't ask if it weren't an emergency. I'm busy today. I'm looking up how every celebrity looks - without makeup. - Come on. You can see the door from your desk. All you have to do is make sure no one goes in or out. Ugh, fine. Thank you. You really are the best person for the job. I know. I'm like that guard in Shawshank Redemption. Nothing gets by me. Have you seen Shawshank Redemption? Not all the way through. No spoilers! Okay. And, Louise, any funny business and you'll get in-school suspension for a week. (sighs) Never helping anyone again. Okay, I'm, uh, going to take Louise in there to give her one more good talking-to before I go. Good. All right. I'm off to the podiatrist, Dr. Cornsander. (laughing) Just kidding. It's His name is Dr. Hand, ironically. Uh, uh Okay, I'm leaving. What you did was very bad, Louise! And I want you to put it all in your essay! - Why are you yelling? - There are rules, Louise! And you got to learn to follow 'em! What are you doing? (whispers): You'll see. Just be quiet. (loud thud) Uh, I just tripped over two chairs and a and a desk! And that's what made that loud sound! Now get out some paper and start writing, Miss Missy! (whispering): I'm gonna lower you out the window. Leave your stuff here and meet me at the car. I don't want to talk you out of anything, but why are you doing this? (strained): You did something nice for someone. Now I want to (grunts) do something nice for you. LOUISE: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Ow. Sorry. - LINDA: Go to the car. - This is crazy. Go. Go, go, go. And we'll talk more about this after school. Did you hear any of that? I hope I wasn't too hard on her. Anyway, she's in there really learning her lesson, and you won't hear a peep out of her. Good. I hate hearing peeps. (engine starts) - We clear? - Ah! - (tire screech) - Louise! You scared me! What are you Oh, right, yeah, this was my idea. Yeah, and what exactly is the idea? What are we doing? Well, listen, what you did was wrong. Yeah, everyone made that pretty clear. But I don't want you getting the idea that helping people isn't worth it, Louise, 'cause it is, it is worth it. So, come on, give me your hand. Look at me, give me your hand. Okay. So, my genius mom plan is to reward you for the good part of what you did by taking you out for ice cream. Keep talking. Then we'll pop you back in the window, and you can write your essay and no one will be the wiser. Or we could blow off the whole essay thing, keep driving and start new lives in Boca. My hair? In Boca? What are you in that humidity? What are you kidding me? (doorbells jingle) All right, Bob's Burgers, we made it. We must be the first. Hi, welcome. "The first"? Oh, yeah, there's a bunch of us coming here. This is our meeting point. Your meeting point? A-Are you just meeting or also eating? All of it. We dropped some of our group on the way here, but they'll show up. Eventually. (laughs) Ha! Eventually. Right? "The Glory Glory Jalapeno Burger. " Sounds perfect. - Two Burgers of the Day, please. - You got it. - Does that come with cheese? - Uh, yeah. All right, well, same here, but no cheese. - Okay. - Two for me, too. Oh. You guys are hungry, huh? We're burning about 4,000 calories on this ride, so, yeah. Yeah, we'll start with two and then maybe have a third. - (laughs) - Wow. - It's good to be young, huh? - I'm 49. Oh, my God, I have to start working out. - Yes, you do. - Oh, boy. Here are the stragglers. Hi. Let me just clear this booth for you guys, and I'll be right back to take your order. Bob, you're swamped. Let me get that for you. What? No. Teddy, I mean, thanks, but don't worry about it. Why not? I can't clear a table? It's so very difficult that only you can do it? I'm fine, Teddy. I got it. Fine? Okay, it's fine. Okay. It's fine! I got it! Okay, great! So can you get me some more coffee when you get a chance?! Sorry about him. No, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine. BOB: Oh, boy. (quietly): Louise, are you in there? We heard from Regular Sized Rudy who heard from Pocket Sized Rudy that you got in-school suspension. It's us, Tina and Gene. This is Tina. No answer. I'm going in. Gene, no. If we get caught going in there, we'll get suspended, too. It happened to Jimmy Jr. When he tried to talk to Zeke. - It's true. - So courageous. So now whenever Zeke's suspended, I just pass him notes. Those notes really lifted my spirits, J-Ju! - Get over here! I got to tell you! - Ow, Zeke! - I appreciate it! - (grunts) Ow. Ah! I appreciate the hell out it! - (groaning) - Zeke. Come on, I appreciate you! - (Zeke grunting, Jimmy Jr. coughs) - Hey! - GENE: Ah! - Get away from there. No talking to the suspendee. Stay strong, Louise, bye. 'Sup, girl? What's up, Zeke? New shorts? (laughs) Yeah. All right, go to class. - All right. Bye! - Bye. You know, I used to get into trouble for sticking up for my friends. - You did? - Uh-huh. I pantsed a guy, too. Yeah, Kenny Kotarski. He was making fun of Vicki Tufo's forehead. She had an enormous forehead. Like scary big. Anyway, I even got his underwear. Everyone saw everything. (laughs): What? Mom. What other bad stuff did you do? One time, me and your Aunt Gayle filled up a bunch of water balloons, and we went in the bathroom and threw them at the girls that were pooping. Wait, who were you sticking up for? Oh. Well, I mean, they were mean girls. They were, they were mean pooping girls. Hey, aren't you supposed to be at the restaurant? Don't you work there? Oh, what, like we're getting a big rush today? (laughs) (doorbells jingle, busy chatter) I like those outfits. - Thanks. - I put on spandex once. - I couldn't get it off for a week. - Uh-huh. Yeah. Went to the E. R. Doctor said if I was even five minutes later, I would've lost a foot. That was a fun Easter. Here you go. Uh, sorry for the wait. Hey, can we get another round of beer, too? - And more fries? Like a butt-load? - Yup. That'll be just a minute. I'm-I'm by myself right now. I mean, my wife should be here. - I have a wife, she's just not here. - She's real, though. This is making me sound like I don't have a wife. I do. He does, he definitely does. - And I do, too. - Teddy, stop it. Yeah, her name is Karen McGillicuddy. Oh, God. (doorbells jingle) Hi, uh, have a seat. I'll be right with you. Where is Linda? Oh, God help me. - Eh? Eh? - Teddy, I could actually use a hand. Yeah! You won't regret this! You will not regret it! Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! (laughs) I am in. I am ready. Give me a thing to put on. Uh, right? Oh, here's Linda's, right? Okay, I'm already regretting this. But I think you have to take the orders while I make everything. I will not let you down, Bobby. Hello, and welcome to Bob's Burgers. My name's Teddy and I'll be your server today. Can I start you with some appetizers? Any dietary restrictions I should know about - before we get going here? - Teddy, Teddy, Teddy. - Huh? Too much? - Yes, dial it back. I'll try. Any birthdays? Anyone celebrating a birthday? So you wrote her a note, too? - Big-time. - What does yours say? It says, "How ya doing in there, kiddo?" But then I scratched out "kiddo. " - It felt forced. - Mine's a picture of that angry hot dog I've been drawing lately. Zeke, Jimmy Jr., what's the best way to slide these notes under the door? Here, let me do it. (grunts) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. J-Ju can get them right under the desk. Well, I've had a lot of practice. 'Cause I have a problem with impulse control. (laughs) - Ha-cha! - ZEKE: And then I'd read it, write back, and slide it right under. And slide it back under. Huh. Come on! Yeah, Zeke definitely would've written back by now. Well, maybe she just didn't see them? Or maybe she hates us. She resents us for our freedom. I thought I told you kids, to stay away from that door! Are we by this door? Oh, we are. (chuckles) We were just walking. And we're still walking. Bye. Mm. Poor Louise. Yeah. She must be having the worst day. (both laugh, sigh) You're all right, Louise. I don't care what anyone else says. Back at ya. This has been fun. Let's do it again sometime. Can I call you? I took a magazine from the waiting room. Did you? - What? - (screams, tires screech) - Fine, I'll mail it back to them. - Not that. (horn honking) - He's honking at you. - I know, Mom. - Oh, no, Mr. Frond. - What? Where? He's right there in his car. (man humming) (honking continues) (gasps) Did he see us? I don't know, I don't know. Let's go! (horn honking) I got to go. I got a meeting with the city council ! - Oh, in there. - LOUISE: Yes. LINDA: Ooh, cotton candy. - Mom, no, we're hiding! - Right, right, right. LINDA: Oh, don't come in here, don't come in here, don't come in here. Ah, nuts, he came in here. (groans): Oh. Where are we going? I think I saw a truant student, and I'm not letting her get away. Oh, a chase. Fun. Put on the siren. (imitating siren) - Mother. - What? You want to win a goldfish? Three shots for a dollar. No. Wait, maybe. No, no, no, thank you. Oh, boy. This is bad. I'm gonna get at least a week's suspension. I know, and if he sees me, I can kiss the bake sale good-bye. - Crap, that's right. - Yeah. You want to just take one look at these goldfish? They're not all dead. See, that guy's wiggling a little bit. He's got some fight in him, huh? Aw, I love him. Little wiggler. Frond's coming this way; we got to go in deeper. (Frond's mom imitating siren) - Uh, can I get extra jalapenos on that? - You got it. Two more Burgers of the Day Extra jalapenos, buddy! Shoot. Oh, no, I forget who these go to. Uh D-Didn't you write down a table number or anything? No, no, no, I got my own system. I associate something with their order, - and then I make a rhyme out of it. - What? "The guy with brown hair wants it medium rare. " "The guy with sunglasses wants extra cheese. " Uh That one doesn't rhyme. They can't all rhyme! I'm doing all this stuff, and then I'm trying to come up with these rhymes it's hard. You can just write down the table numbers, Teddy, or (grumbles) No, no, uh, it's too late now, Bob. We're in the weeds. Okay, who had a plain hamburger? Wait, I remember. "The guy who wants it plain was kind of a pain. " That's you, sir, right? No, it's the guy who looks like a weird David Blaine. Where's he? GENE: I drew another angry hot dog. This time, he's at the beach, - and he's furious at a whale. - I wrote her an inspirational haiku. "Hang in there, Louise. I know it's tough right now, but things are " Oh, wait, that's not a haiku. Uh-oh. They put a guard on the door. I'll try to distract him while you slip the notes under. Hey, Mr. Branca - No, no, no, no, no, keep moving. - Damn. Ms. Schnur had to use the restroom and she told me to watch this door. No one in, no one out. Shoot. (growls) But if two cool kids had notes or pictures of funny foods, I might look up here for a second, and they could slide them under the door without anyone seeing. Looking up, up, up, up, up Well, how do we know if that's our situation? Gene, I think that is our situation. Did I say "cool kids"? Let's say slow kids. - (gasps) That's us! - Could you look up again? Looking up - Thanks, Mr. Branca. - I don't know you! (bell dings) Whoa, whoa. Uh-oh. Knocked some peppers out. I'm just going to poke 'em back in. No, no, no, no, Teddy, don't poke the food. Ah, shh, shh, shh. I'm just sticking 'em back in here. - Get in there, guys. - What are you doing? No, Teddy. - Get back in there, come on. - I don't even know if you washed your hands; you shouldn't be touching the food. Washed my hands? I'm not a surgeon, Bobby. We only have a few more orders. Just keep it together for a little bit longer. God, you are really sweating. Yeah, I'm dripping a little. Not in the food. Much. (yells) My eyes! - What? What, what? What? - My eyes! Oh, I got jalapeÃ±o in my eyes! Where's your emergency eyewash station? What? We don't have an emergency eyewash station. Oh, Princess Wash-Your-Hands doesn't have an emergency eyewash station?! I can't see, Bob! What am I supposed to do now? - (yells) - Just let me take those out. Ah, no, wait. Bob! Uh, my other senses are coming up. Stay on the grill. I can do this. I'm more alive now than I've ever been before. - BOB: Oh, boy. - Who had extra jalapenos? I can't see you. Use your voice. I'll remember your voice. Everyone say something! Oh, my God. (Linda and Louise panting) This is crazy. He's closing in on us. Can he smell us? (sniffs) I can. Whew. LOUISE: And he's between us and the exit. I mean, we're trapped in here. Should we just jump into the ocean? And end it all? Maybe. No, swim to shore. Oh. No, gross. So what should we do? (groans) I can't believe I got us into this mess. Yeah, exactly. This is what I've been saying! You tried to do something nice for me, and it bit you in the ass. You're gonna lose the bake sale. This is why you shouldn't help people ever! No! You listen to me. You're a good person, Louise, and so am I. And good people do what's right even if it bites them in the ass. I mean the you-know-what. Don't say "ass," say "bum. " Listen, here's what we're gonna do: we're gonna turn ourselves in and I'm gonna tell him breaking you out of school was all my idea, and then maybe you won't get suspension for a week. But what about the bake sale? Well, I have other passions besides planning an amazing bake sale and laughing in Colleen Caviello's conventionally attractive face. Okay, here's another idea. We split up and I run right at him. I'll find cover where I can, and I got to get real lucky, but if I can get past him, I can get back to school before he does. What? No. You'll definitely get caught. No, I'll probably get caught, but you'll definitely keep that bake sale. Nope. No. You're not doing that. No. Sure, sure, I-I know. I'm just, you know, Spitballing. Just throwing things out there. Just trying to solve this predicament. Oh, Mom, don't panic, but is that a bee in your boobs? A bee in my boobs! Oh, my boobs! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, God! Oh. What the ? That selfless little stinker. (panting) Come on, Louise. Those aren't eagles, they're seagulls. - FROND'S MOM: What did I say? - (gasps) Ah! Oh! I want to get my face painted. No, no, no. - We're not here to have fun. - (Louise grunts) Oh! Oh, my God. Are you joyless, Phillip? FROND: Don't start that again, Mom! (Louise gasps) - Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me! - Oh, boy. Oh, boy. You never let me get my face painted. That is just not true. Yes! Oh, hey, Mr. Frond. This must be your mother. How are you? I'm Linda. Hello, Linda. I had six ingrown toenails. I heard. That is fascinating. Linda. Funny seeing you here. I thought I saw Louise just now. Louise? No, she's at in-school suspension, where I left her. Huh. What are you doing out here? Me? I came here, uh, to get my face painted. It's, uh, like a cheap facial. See? She knows how to have fun. - I do. - Uh-huh. Mom, we're stopping by the school before I take you home. - Sorry. - It's okay. I'm just happy to be outside. Wait, wait, wait, wait, I want to talk about the bake sale. - Uh, I got so many ideas. - No, Linda, no, get - Get-get off me! - Um Don't pull on my sleeve. - No. - What are you doing? - All right, we can talk on the phone. - O-Okay, yeah, sure. Okay, here I go! (laughs) Over to the face paint booth. - Like I said before. - Uh-huh. Thanks for coming in, you guys. Are they still here? Did they leave yet? Yeah, yeah, they're gone, Teddy. Still-still can't see anything? Not really, no. I just see shapes. But just point me in the direction of a table, and I will clear it off. All right, it's okay, Teddy. I got it. - Do I get to keep the tips? - Yeah. - Really? - Sure. I mean, you might have less than you think. Once you started running around, blindly slamming into everybody - Eh. - knocking them to the ground, I think they were all We were really clicking there for a while, huh, pal? - No. - Yeah? - No. - We did all right? - Not really, no. - Pretty good? - No. Pretty bad. - Yeah. Eh, we were a real team there, Bobby. - We were not. - We were doing it. - We would no. - Oh, we got after it. - We were at odds. - Yeah. You know what? As crazy as it sounds, I could go for a jalapeno burger right now. - Hey, for you, coming right up. - TEDDY: All right. (grunts) Whoa. (tires screech) Wait here. I'll be right back. Okay, I'll just count the clouds. One, two two and a half. (panting): Is Louise still in there? She hasn't left all day. I'm gonna check. Okay, I'll sit right here while you do that. Good luck to both of us. TINA: Hey, Mr. Frond. We're here for Louise. GENE: She's done her time, man. We need to reintroduce her into society, get her used to life on the outside. Well, I'm here for Louise, too. But she's not going to be here for us when I open this door! What? Louise. You're here. Of course. (coughs) Where else would I be? Why are you sweaty and winded? Um, because it's hot in here? Where's the air conditioner? Yeah, where that's what I want to know. Well, where's your essay? Let's see it. Um right here, where I keep my essays. Hey, that's the notes we've been - Uh, Gene. (chuckles) - Um Ha! Just a kid yelling. (laughs nervously) It's a lot of drawings of an angry hot dog and a poorly formed haiku? - That seems harsh. Just saying. - I don't get it. Well, the angry hot dog represents who I am, in here, and then the haiku represents who I want to be, out there. But if you don't get it (scoffs) I-I get it. I just thought it might have a-a meaning beyond - the obvious meaning. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Louise! (panting) Oh, good, you made it. Through the day. Oh, and my little Teeny and Geeny are here to visit their jailbird sister. No matter what she does, we'll always love her. Want to talk about the face? What's there to talk about? I'm a cat. Meow. I love this woman! Hello again, Mr. Frond. Is Louise free to go? Uh, she seems to have satisfied the requirements, so, yes. Louise, did you learn your lesson today? I sure did, Mom. Wait. What was that? Did you just wink at each other? Yeah, cats wink. And some people wink at their cat moms. And other people leave their moms in cars on hot days with all the windows rolled up. Oh, my God! Mom!