Santa, Schmanta

1 Aaah! [Roars] [Screaming] [Roars] Smiths! You haven't seen the last of me! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, that was clo Aaaah! Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la What do you think, Dad? I've raised this tree since it was a young sapling. It's like the child I never had. All: Aw. Now that Santa is dead, we can finally celebrate Christmas again. This is going to be the best Christmas ever. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. I just came up with an awesome new dance. You got to see it. Guys? Guys! You got see me rock this dance. It's half twerking, half motorboating, 100% sexuality. Hey, what are you doing? I'm sewing Christmas stockings that actually fit everyone's feet. I came up with the idea myself. Can you believe it? I can. Ich! It's always about Christmas in this house. I'm sick of it. I'm going to find someone who will appreciate me and my dance. And zippity-zappity-zoo. [Panting] Thank you. Thank you, Snot. I just knew you'd love it. Uh-huh. So you're Steve's uncle? That's right. I'm Uncle Roger. Are you Mr. Smith's brother? Oh, no, no, no, no. No. I'm not related to Stan or Francine. I'm Steve's direct uncle. I only came over because the whole family is obsessed with Christmas. I just don't get it. You ever feel that way? Well, yeah. I'm Jewish, so I celebrate Hanukkah. - What's that? - It's an 8-day celebration called the Festival of Lights. And tonight is the first night. On each night, we light a candle to symbolize how one night's supply of oil lasted eight nights. Sometimes we play dreidel or eat latkes, and sometimes we don't, and just go to bed. It's kind of boring. But it's cool that you have your own thing. Not really. Hanukkah has always been second fiddle to Christmas. We don't have any catchy songs, or Santa, or anything. This is a tough time of the year for us. Are there, or have there ever been, other tough times for Jewish people? Yes. Hey, you know what? As Christmas outsiders, the two of us should stick together. Neither of us should suffer alone in this, the toughest of times. I'm going to celebrate Hanukkah with you. So how do I become Jewish? Do I just Do I just kiss you? Let's start with some reading. The Book of Creation. That sounds juicy. That's too advanced for you. If you want to become Jewish, you must first study the Torah. In the beginning, God created heaven and Earth. Hey, they lifted that line from the Bible. This is going to be fun. Let's get Jewy! [Traditional Jewish music plays] Viva, nagila, viva Nagila viva Nagila vi-i-iva [Slot machine clicks] - [Beeping] - Mazel. Mazel very tov. [Camera shutter clicks] [Glass shatters] Feh, got needles much, you dumb tree? Feh. Roger, what are you doing? My baby! [Sobs] I'm celebrating Hanukkah now. I hope you can all respect that. It's fine that you want to celebrate Hanukkah, Roger, but you can't put your candlestick that close to the drapes. It's a fire hazard. Oh, my Jewish god. What are you saying, Francine? That my Menorah isn't welcome here? I didn't say that. You're putting words in my mouth. That's better than what other people in there. Oh, he has a disgusting point. Snot said Christmas was hard for him. Now I know why. Snot? You've been hanging out with my Snot? Nobody in this family ever wants to do what I want to do, and what I want to do now is Chanukkah. [Sobs] Have any of the rest of you been hanging out with my friends? Jingle bells Santa smells Everything's so lame Christmas time is such a grind Hey, don't push me away Hey! Jingle bells, I'm unwell Watching others play They have fun, but I am bummed 'Cause Santa skips my place Crashing through the mall 'Cause I'm driving while I'm baked But I don't care at all I was crying the whole way Ha-ha-ha. See that Christmas tree All those kids in line All we see is red and green And a few ugly hate crimes Oh, jingle bells, here me yell Jewish gifts are dumb What's in the box? Oh, it's just socks And not a paintball gun Jingle bells, this is hell Hanukkah's so lame Compared to this, it's like a bris Just chop my dick away Just chop Just chop Just chop my dick away Look at these goys lining up for a mall Santa. You're a bunch of idiots! Uh, excuse me, could you keep your voice down? There are children here. Oh, do the children know their "Santa" works at Home Depot? He makes keys. You know where the real Santa is? He's dead! - [Gasping] - Captain Keys over there is pretending to be a dead guy. [Slurps] You know what? I'm going to show everyone. I'm going to get Santa's body from the North Pole. Yep. That's what I'm going to do. Don't drink my drink while I'm gone. [All shouting] Hey. Where Where are you all going? I told you Santa was dead. Don't you want to see his dead body? Whoa! There really is a Santa. Not anymore. Santa is so dumb. Look at his dumb suit. Seems warm though. I could use something like this. I'm literally always cold. I'm like a woman. [Chuckles] Hot take, Roger, hot take. What the hell, I'm going to try it on. [Belch] Was that the sesame chicken I had earlier? Wait a minute. Let's see if [Gasps] I think the suit turns whoever is wearing it into Santa. But how can I be Santa? I'm Jewish. Could I be Jewish Santa with Santa powers? - Awesome! - Hey! What the hell are you doing?! Shut up, key man! There's a new Santa Claus in town, and his name's Shmanta. Holla at Jew boy. Hey, y'all. It's me, Greg. I'm here at the Langley Falls Galleria with breaking news so urgent that I got called away from a daytime rager at my friend's new townhouse. Santa Claus, yes, the Santa Claus, is slated to make an historic announcement. Speaking of announcements, I kissed a woman earlier and it wasn't weird. I thought Santa was dead. It's probably just a crazy impostor, but can you believe the news about Greg? Why would it feel weird? We were just having fun. It was a rager. He needs to relax. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the moment you've all been waiting for. Santa Claus is real! And he's Jewish! [Gasping] Of course. [Camera shutters clicking] What are you doing? All Hanukkah needs is a Santa. I'm putting us on the map. So you're Santa? I go by Shmanta because I celebrate Hanukkah now. - Why, you might ask? - I didn't. During Hanukkah, you get eight days of presents instead of one. That's eight times better than Christmas, and you get to sing super catchy songs. Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I don't know how to play Putzes, futzes, schmutzes All are Jewish words Schwimmer, Sandler, Spielberg All are Jewish nerds So why do you need Christmas When you have Hanukkah? Shmanta Claus is coming For girls named Monica Monica on "Friends" was Jewish so I assumed that that's a Jewish name, right? [Coins jingling] This is so cool. Look at me. I'm Rob Reiner! So, kids, if you want presents from Shmanta this year, don't put out milk and cookies, put out lox and bagels, and call your mother, she's very worried about you. And from Shmanta's home to yours, I say, oy, oy, oy, happy Hanukkah. Roger. - No luck? - I went to six stores, but I couldn't find any Christmas ornaments. It's all Hanukkah stuff now. Roger: Well, now you know how it feels. Aaah! Just doing a practice run because I'm Santa now. Did you know your chimney is full of dead birds? How are you pulling this off? Apparently this suit gives me all the Christmas magic that Santa had, so I can do this. Oh, dang. He turned the tree into that Jewish pitch fork. So since Christmas sucks now, you want to do my thing, get balls deep into Hanukkah? Roger, we have nothing against Hanukkah, but we celebrate Christmas. Wow. Okay. I'm reeling. Pardon my loud hand talking, but I'm Jewish now, and I'm hearing you're not willing to give up Christmas based on what I'm doing? Well, feh, feh, feh, feh, and feh. I'm going to the South Pole. That's what I'm calling my new headquarters in Miami. [Bell rings] [Bells jingling] Cool sleigh, huh? I cut the top off a lambo and hired the University of Miami cheer team as my reindeer. We've got Shmasher, and Shamcer, and Shpencer, and Shmixon, Shmomet, and Shmooped, and Shmonner, and Shvitzen, but do you recall the most Jewish reindeer of all? [High-pitched beeping] Guess what his name is. - Shmoodolf. - How'd you know? Great work, guys. This party is going to blow Christmas out of the water. Love the latke station over here. We got the Manischewitz open bar, there. Nice. And we got the kiddie pool full of oil for the Hanukkah hunks to wrestle in. - Oil wrestling? - Yeah. Hanukkah is all about oil. Read the Torah much? Hey. Six-pointed stars! That's one more than Christmas. Good looking out. But why stop there? Let's get some more points on those things. Make them look like saw blades. That's the Star of David. David? Screw that guy. Wait, should I screw that guy? Put out some feelers to David. - See if he's DTF. - Yeah. David is not DTF because he's been dead for 4,000 years. Done worse. [Whispering] I [bleep] a chicken. [Dance music playing] Hey. This is the biggest party of the year. Why are people waiting outside? - I'm checking the list. - That's Santa shit. Let everybody in, except for these Christmas creeps. They'll definitely want a piece of me now that I'm bigger than Jesus. Also, no Lebron James. That asshole broke Miami's heart. Oh, crap, it's Lebron. Lebron, get in here. [Dance music playing] Dude, we did it! Hanukkah is number one now! Yeah. So it's sundown. Maybe we should light the menorah. Ah, that's Christmas shit. Let's get laid! It's just that the whole point of Hanukkah is Me dropping the bomb about our surprise musical guest? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage a Jewish music legend, Enrique Iglesias! [Cheers and applause] Shalom, Miami! Enrique Iglesias Enrique Iglesias Everybody! Roger: That's Enrique Iglesias? I guess I always mix him up with Ricky Martin. Look at me. [Snorts] I'm king of the Jews! Aah! - [Thud] - I'm okay! I landed right in the oil. It's a Hanukkah miracle. I couldn't find red or green sprinkles at the store, so I decorated these cookies with ketchup and pureed spinach. Enjoy. Well, even though this may not be the best Christmas, at least we're all together, or whatever. I kind of miss Roger. Oh, my god. Is this what his foot actually looks like? Sometimes we forget Roger is a straight-up monster. You have to help me take down your uncle. Um, do we not lock the door? But everyone is celebrating Hanukkah now. Aren't you happy? No! Not when it's turned into Shmanta rolling blunts with pages of the Torah. I just want my boring Hanukkah again. Sorry, Snot. The only person who can stop Shmanta is Santa, and he's not coming back. Actually, there may be a way. Oh, my God. P. F. Chung's has a side business storing corpses they find in the mall? So there are writings in the Book of Creation about how to reanimate a body. You can bring the dead back to life? Snot, you little rascal, I thought we told each other everything. The book says we can activate golems by highlighting letters of the Hebrew alphabet and reciting the 10 Sefirot. Now we just need this. Oh, my God. Is that blood? Yeah. Calm down. Keter. Hokhmah. Binah. Is he speaking Jewish? - Is that a language? - Shh! Are you shushing me because you want me to be quiet, or because you don't know? Shh! Shekhinah. [Groans] It worked. Santa, I know we've had our differences, but we need your help. [Groans] Santa, are you okay? [Groans] Oh, my God. You turned Santa into a Frankenstein! Oh, my God. Snot's a witch! Burn him! [Bells jingling] So, Santa, you don't remember me? [Groans] We need you to save Christmas. Christmas? This is a lost cause. Your Uncle Roger only got his Hanukkah powers after putting on that Santa suit. Maybe Santa just needs his suit back. - Suit? - He knows the word! Suit? Suit! Suit! That's it! We need to go to Miami to get that suit from Roger, and, maybe after, we can take birthday shots for Jesus on the crystal dance floor at Club Bardot. Dad, you little party animal. Who else has a surprise up their sleeve? Snot? Enrique? Reindeer people? Where is everyone? Shmanta, the Smiths are at the door. What? Why didn't you let them in? Well, you told us to keep them out. That was before they learned their lesson, which they clearly now learned. Let them in! What's up, dicks? Welcome to the South Pole. Bring it in. Bring it in. I'm not mad at you, dicks. Roger, we're not staying. We just came for your suit. - What? - Just do what they say, and give them your suit, Mr. Uncle Roger. No. I'm never giving up being Shmanta! Fair enough. Will you at least accept our parting Hanukkah gift? Oh, is that a razor scooter? Aaah! - Santa? - Suit! - [Punk music plays] - Elves, attack! I'm here for you, Shmanta! - Aaah! - Aaah! Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh Hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells - Jingle all the way - Aaah! - [Straining] - Oh, what fun - Ooh! - it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh - Dashing through the snow - Hey, Santa. In a one-horse open sleigh - [Groans] - Oil be back. O'er the fields we go Laughing all the way The way! Bells on bobtail ring Oh, my God. Roger, are you going to to I'm lighting this bitch up. [Bell rings] What fun it is to ride and sing A sleighing song tonight Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh Hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle Thank God Santa is finally dead. Oh, cool, a hand. Aah! [Screaming] I'm back! And you're dead. You have your suit now, Santa. Let's just call a truce. You're forgetting who I am, Smith. I'm Santa. I don't do truces. That's the one thing every kid knows about me. That and that I shoot lightning! The [bleep] is this? Head for the sleigh! [Grunting] Why did you save me? Santa has his suit now, so you've got your precious Christmas back. It wasn't just Christmas we wanted back, Roger. It was you. Maybe I didn't want you guys to care about Hanukkah. I just wanted you to care about me. That's why we came, you idiot. Now get your reindeer to fly us out of here. Uh, we can't fly without Hanukkah magic. Before I was abducted, I was just a college student trying to get my exercise science degree from the University of Miami. All: The "U. " [Screaming] [Trilling tongue] Oh, God, we're sitting ducks! Don't worry. I may not have Christmas magic any more, but I do have the key. [Engine starts] [Screaming] Damn it. I'll get you, Smiths. What the hell is with all these weird stars?! [Bells jingling] Steve: Maybe next Christmas no one will die. [Laughter] Hayley: Yeah, right. [Bells jingling] Guys, I can't believe you went to Miami without me. I know people. I could have gotten us Marlins tickets. Back row of the bleachers, baby. Okay. Now, are you guys ready for your Christmas present? How'd you have time to shop? This is a gift I was born with my dance. Pfbtttt Unh-eh-eh-eh Whoa. Unh-eh-eh-eh So you want to get Chinese food and watch a movie? Of course, mom. It's tradition. Unh-eh-eh-eh Now here's a little move I call the Hatchimal. Whoo! [Screaming] Oh, grow up, everyone. Bye! Have a great time!