Health Care

Health Care is the third episode of The Office''. ''It aired on April 5, 2005.

Transcript
[Opening credits]

[Michael goes over to Pam's desk]

Michael: Pam. Pamela. Pam-elama-ding-dong. Making copies.

Pam: I'm not making any copies.

Michael: Let's go. Messages. Stat. Lots to do, lots to do. Information superhighway.

Pam: Nothing new.

Michael: Lay them on me. What?

Pam: There's nothing new.

Michael: That's not what you said earlier.

Pam: Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the... [nods toward camera]

[Michael is in an interview]

Michael: The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. [Kevin and Angela are shown working, before it cuts to Jim and Dwight working, before it cuts to Stanley wiping his nose.] I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist.

[A shot of the accountants is shown, before cutting to Jan speaking to Michael in his office]

Jan: So, which health plan have you decided on?

Michael: I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, you know, the works.

Jan: Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely Michael?

Michael: I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan.

Jan: The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan.

Michael: Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good.

Jan: Michael.

Michael: You gotta crack these things open.

Jan: You know the whole reason that we're doing this, is to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan.

Michael: Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um... It won't be popular decision around the old orifice.

Jan: It's your job. So...

Michael: Well, it's a suicide mission, you know.

Jan: Michael... maybe... I mean...

Michael: There, there...

Jan: Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.

Michael: [scoffs] When have you ever done that?

Jan: I'm doing it right now. To you.

[Jim is talking to Pam at her desk]

Jim: Last night on Trading Spouses, there's... have you seen it?

Pam: No. I have a life.

Jim: Interesting, what's that like?

Pam: You should try it sometime.

Jim: Wow. But then who would watch my TV? That is...

Pam: [laughs]... your problem.

Michael: Jimbo! Ha haaaaa. Ah.

[Jim is with Michael in his office]

Michael: There's a decision that needs to be made, and I'm having an unbelievably a busy day. So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers.

Jim: Gosh.

Michael: Yeah!

Jim: That is a great offer. Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales.

Michael: Really?

Jim: Yeah. I just don't think this is the kind of task, that I... am going to do. You know who would be great for this?

[Jim is in an interview]

Jim: Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it.

[Dwight is in Michael's office]

Dwight: Yes! I can do it! I'm your man. [Takes health care plans]

[Cuts back to Jim in interview]

Jim: Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

[Dwight is in Michael's office]

Dwight: OK, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?

Michael: Ah, none. You're picking a health care plan.

Dwight: OK, we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'll need an office. I think the conference room should be fine.

Michael: You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.

Dwight: [to self] Yes, I have an office. [to camera] Bigger than his.

Michael: Nope, you cannot use it.

Dwight: OK, I take it back, it's a workspace.

Michael: Temporary workspace. You can use it.

Dwight: Thank you.

[Michael is in an interview]

Michael: If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already.

[Dwight is handing out health care plans to the office]

Dwight (V/O): What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people.

[Cuts to Dwight giving an interview]

Dwight: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

[Stanley is looking at the health care plan]

Stanley: There's no dental, there's no vision, there's a $1,200 deductible.

[Pam is at her desk, where she answers the phone]

Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.

Michael: [on phone] Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks?

Pam: Where are you?

Michael: Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped. I have work up to my ears I'm busy, busy, busy. [The camera crew observes Michael playing with a toy truck inside his office] Can't step away. I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. Everybody cool out there?

Pam: Actually, people are really unhappy. Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out 'cause the...

Michael: Pam! Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I, I, I, I gotta go. I'm getting a call.

Pam: No you're not.

Michael: I have to make a call after I finish... my work. You know what? Uh, just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce?

Pam: OK.

Michael: Thank you, Oh, gah, here we go again. Gotta go, I have to take this.

Pam: Still no one calling.