My Fair Laddy

(SINGING) The Simpsons

(TIRES SCREECHING)

D'oh!

(EXCLAIMING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Children, your gym teacher, Ms. Pommelhorst, has a brief announcement.

This is very emotional for me.

I am taking a leave of absence.

I will return in the fall as Mr. Pommelhorst, your new shop teacher.

We're telling you children now so you can adjust and not make jokes.

Looks like there'll be some new wood in shop class.

Precisely the type of wordplay I seek to discourage.

(CHUCKLES)

"New wood."

Now please welcome your new gym teacher, Coach Krupt.

Today we're gonna play a game that's as old as pain itself.

Bombardment.

I'm intrigued. What are the rules?

Duck or die!

(GROANS)

(CHILDREN GROANING) Bombardment! Deal with it!

Bombardment! Life's a bitch, son.

Bombardment! Bombardment! Walk it off!

Bombardment! Bombardment!

(GROANS)

No! (WHIMPERS)

(GLASSES SHATTER)

I caught it! I'm safe!

(GROANS)

Son, are you okay?

I guess.

Bombardment!

(GROANS)

(MARGE HUMMING)

Hmm.

(GROANING)

Oh, sweetie, if someone's bullying you, you should tell your teacher.

But it's the teacher who's bullying me.

Well, tell your regular bully. He won't like it one bit.

Marge, I ripped my pants.

The only pants that understand my complex hiney.

That was your last pair! How did it happen?

Uh, normal wear and tear.

(GIGGLING)

Ow! My ass!

Sir, your go-cart's damaged!

I paid for 50 laps. And I'm gonna take them!

(TIRES SCREECH)

(YELPING) Ow...

Oh, I'll have to go to every store in the Pants District to find another pair like these.

Aw, Homie.

Kiss rubber, loser!

(GROANS)

Hey! You cry like a little girl, Amy!

Ahh! Oh, come on now!

Those were just baby teeth!

(SOBBING)

Oh, how much longer can this go on?

(GROANS)

I see you like reading. How do you like Bombardment?

Bombardment! Bombardment!

(GROANS)

Bart: "Bombardment! Bombardment!

"How do you like Bombardment?"

Well, I'll show him!

(GRUNTS)

(CHUCKLES MISCHIEVOUSLY)

Time for the bombarded to become the bombardier.

Why'd I put this in here?

My saxophone!

(HONKS)

Mmm! (STRUGGLES)

Oh, yeah. That's why.

You jerk! I'm telling Morn!

(SAXOPHONE HONKING)

Van Houten! Here, sir.

But my doctor says no more Bombardment.

Well, here's a second opinion.

(GROANS)

Muntz! Do your worst! I'm drunk!

Well, welcome to AA. Always Attacking!

(GROANS) Simpson!

Simpson!

Here.

Bart's got an ice ball!

What is your major malfunction, Simpson?

You will defrost, drain, and surrender that ball!

And then I will use it to bombard you! Bombardment!

Kid power!

(GRUNTS)

(SHATTERS)

Hmm? (GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

Me shack! It's ruined!

Ye red rubber home-wrecker!

(GROANS)

(HAMMERING)

Listen. I'm real sorry I busted your shack.

Let me make it up to you.

I know a ravine where there's a rusted-out car.

Don't be tantalizing me with tales of ravines and rusted-out cars.

I'll only be getting me heart broke.

(CAR HONKING)

That's my mom. I gotta go. I finished nailing this board.

Oh, yeah. You're outta nails.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(LIGHTNING CRASHING)

Poor Willie.

Would you like to spend the night with us?

I don't need your charity, not as long as I've got a pan over me head.

That's not a pan. That's a colander.

Oh, so that's where all my soup went.

Thanks for taking me in, Missus.

Please accept this in return.

It's my most prized possession.

It's a sculpture made of children's lost retainers.

Huh? Ooh...

It's lovely!

I like this part in here. The way it, um, goes.

(HUMMING)

(GRINDING)

Willie, I hope I'm not being too personal.

But you seem resigned to a life of abject squalor.

My family's used to it.

Me grandfather used to get sent down into the mines to make sure it was safe for the canaries.

Don't you ever hope for anything better?

Something better? For Willie?

(SINGING) All I want is a place somewhere

And? That's it.

Maybe you could aim a little higher.

Well, let's see.

(SINGING) Oh, to have me shack rebuilt.

Get my rotten teeth all drilled.

Something on underneath me kilt.

Oh, wouldn't it be adequate.

Matching shoes for both me feet.

Dining on untainted meat.

A toilet what still has its seat.

Oh, wouldn't it be adequate

Both: Adequate.

Adequate.

Wouldn't it be adequate

Hmm?

You're right, Lisa. I do want to better me lot.

To live like a normal...

Hey, that's great. Goodnight.

Bart, Willie could have a better life if only someone showed him how.

I bet I could turn him into a proper gentleman, and I will do it in time for the school science fair.

You're on, Lise.

I think you'll find that deep down anyone can be civilized.

Goodnight, Willie.

Goodnight. (GRUNTS)

(SNORES)

Hmm.

Willie, in the next few weeks, I'll be teaching you poise, pronunciation, and posture.

Let's see you stand up as straight as you can.

Well, there's a first time for everything.

(GRUNTS) Argh!

(BONE CRACKS)

Ugh! I'm too far off the ground!

Lisa, come up here and help me down!

(WHIMPERS)

So how am I doing?

(SIGHS) Oh.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Mr. Simpson, I appreciate how much you love our big blue trousers, but I'm afraid we just don't make them anymore.

Sales plummeted after our disastrous Super Bowl ad.

Man: Big blue pants.

When you no longer care if you're attractive to women.

(BABY ELEPHANT WALK PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

Mr. Stern, would you make those glorious blue pants again if I whipped up public interest for them?

Of course. But how?

Do an advertising campaign so fresh and exciting.

I haven't even thought of it yet!

Well, what have I got to lose besides the factory that's been in my family for generations?

How long is this commercial anyway?

I don't know. I've never made it to the end.

(HAMMERING)

Okay. How do you address an archbishop?

I'll kill ya! I'll kill ya for what you've done to me!

(SIGHS)

Lisa, you're a sweet lass. But it's hopeless.

Like my dad told me.

You'll never amount to anything!

(BAGPIPES PLAYING)

You were born trash!

And you'll be lucky if you grow up to be garbage!

(BABY COOING)

Would you like to cut the cord?

Let him cut it himself.

It's time he learned life ain't one big party.

(SOBS) That was the last time we really talked.

(SOBBING)

What the hell are they doing in there?

Lisa bet Bart she can turn Willie into a proper gentleman.

(SCOFFS)

That's as unlikely as Kearney going around the world in 80 days.

Eighty days?

Ample time to circumnavigate the globe, booger breath.

You, sir, have a wager.

I shall hold the money.

To lstanbul!

Wrong way, dingus!

(MOANING AND KISSING)

Oh, yeah.

(GIGGLES)

(GASPS) Homie? What's that?

Huh? On the back of your head.

It's called "headvertising."

It creates brand awareness without relying on traditional media.

Well, it creeps me out.

(CLICKS)

Wow.

It glows in the dark. It's not supposed to.

(SIGHS)

All right. Let's just try one more lesson.

Repeat after me.

"What flows from the nose does not go on the clothes."

"What flows from me nose..."

Oh.

It's no use!

I'm not very cultured. I don't even have a last name!

Care to concede that bet?

No. Come on, Willie. I believe in you!

Uh...

(IN POSH ACCENT) "What flows from the nose "does not go on my clothes."

Say it again!

(SINGING) What flows from the nose does not go on my clothes (MEOWS)

I think he's got it Oh, yes, he's got it.

What flows from the nose.

Does not go on my clothes

(IN NORMAL ACCENT) Ahh! A talkin' mirror!

Where is that ghastly flow?

(IN POSH ACCENT) The nose The nose (NASAL VOICE) And where should it not go?

Blue pants! Blue pants!

Dad, get your own song.

Fine.

(SINGING) I'm getting blue pants in the morning.

Ding-dong, the zipper's gonna shine

Gee, Homer. if those blue pants mean that much to you, they must be the greatest.

I'm getting two pairs today.

I don't get this.

This guy paints his noggin and you guys are ready to buy pants.

Meanwhile, I've been paying for that billboard outside for a year now and it's not yielded nothin'.

(MOE'S VOICE) You don't have to look at me.

You don't have to look at me.

Well, he does have billboard money.

Talking billboard money.

Ahhh...

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

Ew!

But he might be right for my friend.

Behold, the first machine that accurately measures surprise!

Really? Huh.

(MACHINE BEEPING)

(CLEARS THROAT) Ms. Lisa Simpson. Master Bart Simpson.

(WHISPERS) G.K. Willington, Esquire.

And Mr. G.K. Willington Esquire.

I have the strangest feeling I've met him before.

And you may meet him again as your new father!

Hubba-hubba, Mommy like!

If you ask me, the Royal Shakespeare Company's latest season was much ado about nothing.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Ha! I get that reference.

And you can get me anytime you want, handsome.

I would be delighted to dine with you on the 12th.

You're a smash, G.K.

It feels so sublime. lfeel like I...

(SINGING) Could be indoors all night.

Could use a fork and knife.

And never soil my suit.

I could be so polite.

Start not a single fight.

And still not feel like a fruit.

How very nice that There's no lice in my hair.

And my toenails.

Mmm... I don't bite.

Now that I've reached the stage.

Where I'm not full of rage.

I could be indoors.

Indoors all night

(SEYMOUR CLEARS THROAT)

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to announce the winner of the science fair, though I must note I'm surprised.

Lisa Simpson didn't enter a project this year.

That's where you're wrong, Principal Skinner.

I did enter a project.

And it's been in plain sight the entire evening.

(ALL GASPING)

(MACHINE BEEPING)

Mr. G.K. Willington is not who he seems.

In fact, he's someone you all know quite well.

Is it me?

I give you Groundskeeper Willie!

(CROWD MURMURING)

Well, Mother, aren't you glad you didn't get more intimate with him?

Who said I didn't?

Hmm. Maybe there's room on my sports wall.

(GIGGLES)

Now you have a friend.

Good morning, Lisa. What's the lesson for today?

How to smoke a pipe while summoning a falcon?

Put the kettle on, Featherby. I'll be home soon.

(SCREECHING)

Willie, there are no more lessons.

You're a proper gentleman. My work is done.

But I don't know what to do with myself.

All I've ever been is a groundskeeper.

And that job's taken.

Skinner dumped it on the next lowest guy on the totem pole.

Oh, for goodness sakes!

How did I get up here?

I think this is the perfect job for new you, Willie.

It requires sophistication, tact, and you get to meet the highest class of people.

Good evening, sir. I'm your maître d'.

Oh, that's the "D" for? Dimwit? (CHUCKLES)

Laugh. jerk!

(LAUGHS)

Eh, I don't need your charity titters.

Now say hello to my girlfriend, Charity Titters.

Right this way, ma'am.

(GASPS) Oh. Thank you.

No, not now! Not now! Wait till we get to the booth.

(MOANING AND KISSING)

Mmm.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm so glad you washed that stupid logo off your head.

Well, it did itsjob. Everyone's wearing blue pants now.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Hmm.

(TURNS OFF TV) I'd like to get into some blue pants right now.

(GASPS)

What are those doing there?

Earning us 100 bucks a week, that's what.

Uh, except the "Maine potatoes" one.

It's just a reminder to myself.

(GROANS)

Hey, maître d'!

May I help you, sir?

These rolls are stale! Bombardment!

Bring me some more! Bombardment!

And some iced tea for the lady, please. Bombardment!

(SIGHS)

(SINGING) I've a fancy suit.

And a clean white shirt.

But I miss the days when tractor fumes.

Blew up my skirt.

I was freezing cold.

And I slept in mold.

But I long for the shack where I lived.

She was true to me.

My old home of wood.

And when I passed out drunk.

From turpentine.

She understood

(SNORING)

Life was so sublime.

Well, boo-hoo 'Cause I'm hanging ferns.

In the shack where you lived

If I had your voice, I'd talk-sing everything.

So, how you doing, Willie?

I'm ebullient! I'm bubbling with glee! I'm...

(IN NORMAL ACCENT) Bloody miserable! I miss me crap shack!

(SOBBING)

Hey, that's my table. Amscray!

(IN POSH ACCENT) Sir, there are many other tables available.

None that has a view of the yoga studio.

Yeah, baby.

Greet the sun, downward dog.

(GROWLS AND BARKS)

Sir, there is a child present.

Hey, when I'm off the clock, kids can jump in the lake!

Now get out of my booth, Duchess of Cornball!

Very well, sir. But my name is (IN NORMAL ACCENT) Willie!

Now may I show you the dessert tray? (GRUNTS)

Dessert tray? That's a great gag.

Can I use it?

I'm taking it anyway.

(GRUNTS)

(Seymour) It is with great joy and a sense of "once again everything is back to where it started," that we welcome our once and future groundskeeper, Willie!

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

Now let's all enjoy some punch and cookies!

Willie, you can start cleaning up now.

With pleasure.

(SINGING) Heaven.

I'm in heaven

Willie, please express yourself through mopping.

All right.

And when you're done, here are the keys to your new shack.

(SIGHS) Ah!

It's just like I remember.

With one little difference.

Oh, you made that for me?

(SOBS)

I think I'll need a moment alone.

I understand.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Argh!

(SHATTERS)

I liked it the way it was!