Alter Ego

Douglas, mind if i snag One of more challenging sections? Go ahead. Ok, you gonna read the paper, Or are you gonna strangle someone? The cheap ink they use makes my fingers black. Ok. Thanks for wettin' down page 1. By the way, you got a phone call before. Some guy irv from the senior center. He wanted to know if you could, uh, Fill in for him at the front desk next week. Me? I haven't held a position of authority in years. No, i'm afraid i can't do it. Or could i? The will is there, but do i have the stamina? Damn it, if irv needs me, i can't let him down! I'll do it. Couldn't care less. Let's light this candle. Josephine, can i see you for a minute? Have a seat. As you know, i'm taking over the reins from irv. I think we should discuss what i expect from you. Who are you again? I'm the guy who's gonna make this The best-Run senior center in the city. That's who. Now, what's on my calendar? Well, let's see. Oh! Oh, yes. You know the pudding we have on wednesdays? Well, the salesman's coming tomorrow to pick up his check. Pudding salesman, huh? Mm-Hmm. Find out everything you can about this guy what he likes, what he hates. If he takes a crap, i wanna know about it. Hey, what's up, fellas? Hey. Hey. Nice jacket there, pimp daddy. Hey. A little gift from kelly For no reason at all. It's not my birthday. Just out of the blue. Wife's clearly having an affair. Ahem. Oh, my god. What's the matter? Sunday times. Wedding announcements. Oh. "Mr. And mrs. Hugo battaglia of queens, new york, "Announce the upcoming marriage Of their daughter denise ruth battaglia " "To scott john van wagner, "Son of james and arlene van wagner of memphis, tennessee. "The wedding will take place At greater mount morris first presbyterian church in memphis. " I- I can't believe it. We-We broke up, like, 3 months ago, And now she's already getting married? Well, maybe it's a different denise ruth battaglia of queens. No. No, it's her. It-It- Look-Look at this guy she's marrying. Look at this loser! Look! Lot of stripes. What is he, a general? So, bro, what do you feel like doing? What's that? Strip club? Just take me home. Fine. Look, spence i know you're gonna find somebody just as good as denise, If not better. Oh, yeah? Right. Do you really think i'm gonna find a woman Who's as into avant-Garde film as i am or folk dancing Or is a ninth-Level player the gathering? Absolutely. No, i blew it. I- I should have fought for her. I should have grabbed her by those incredible shoulders And said, "i love you, and i know you love me. " But did i do that? No. You know why? Same reason i'm selling tokens on the subway Instead of driving the train. I thought you failed the psych test. You didn't see that inkblot! The bottom line is everything would be different If i'd just taken a stand! Well, maybe it's not too late. What do you mean? To tell denise what you just told us. But she's getting married in memphis tomorrow. I mean, even if i wanted to, i couldn't make it there in time. You could if we start driving right now. Really? Kelly and the kids are at her mom's. I got noplace else to be. I'm in. You really think we can do this? If we're gonna go on an extended trip, I'm gonna have to stop and get my bite plate. But what-What if i'm wrong, though? What if she doesn't love me back? Well, maybe she does, and maybe she doesn't. There's only one way to find out. Because if i sleep without that thing, My jaw snaps shut like a bear trap. I don't know. Spence, look, you got a chance here, And you gotta go for it. If you don't go for it, You're gonna regret it for the rest of your life. So where am i steering this car? Memphis, tennessee. That's what i'm talking about! Yeah! Yeah! Memphis! Hey, hey, what about carrie? What about car- What about carrie? Here's about carrie, ok? Hey, babe. It's me. Look, don't wait up, 'Cause i'm gonna be driving to memphis to stop a wedding. Denise. Yeah. Spence's old girlfriend. No, it's not stupid. W- Why can't i? I know i said we'd go food shopping. Look, all i want is pop-Tarts. Please, ok? I already told him i would do this thing, ok? I'm-You know what? I'm doing it. I'm doing it. She's cool. She's very cool. Ok, she checked in last night? Ok, great, thanks. I got it. Denise is staying at the west memphis econo-Lodge. Fancy. Well in about 10 hours, she's gonna open her door To find me standing there holding a single red rose And saying, "excuse me, miss, I think i left my love in here. " All right, man. There you go. In case i didn't say it, thanks for this. That's what friends do. You guys are great. Right back at ya. I'm glad you're in my life. Ok, love scene over. We're coming up on i-70. Great! Uh take that west to i-64, Hook up with the i-40, And then straight through bartlett And on into memphis. Heh heh. Oh, deac, doesn't your dad live in bartlett? Uh-Huh. No reason we can't stop in on the way back. That's ok. Nnnnnn! No, i mean, it's silly. It's on the way. I said no. What part of nnnn-Nn didn't you understand? Sorry. Hey, is it me or those cows getting anybody else hungry? I could eat. Why don't you wake danny up? Oh, he's asleep? He's not supposed to sleep without his bite plate. Hey, danny, we're gonna get some food. Danny! Oh. Hey, guys. Ohh! God! What's going on? I need $600. What? I need $600. Ow! Can you give the guy a credit card? He won't take one. He wants cash. What? He wants cash! Ow! It hurts to talk. What? It hurts when i talk! Can we just pay the guy and get out of here? Look, i've got $100. I got, like, 80. I got, like, 50. I don't have anything. Well, my wallet's at home on my dresser Next to my bite plate. We're still way short. What are we gonna do? I don't think this thing fits right. Yeah, well, it cost me a leather jacket, So i'm gonna need you to make it fit. Look at that, cachingo indian casino. Oh, yeah? We need cash, and you can get a crapload of money With just your credit card at those places. Guys, it's 22 miles out of the way. We're not gonna make it to the hotel Before denise leaves for the wedding. You want to stop a wedding, you do it at the church. Everybody knows that. I still say we keep going. Whoa, she's turning. What's happening? What are you doing? It's not me. It's the car. She's taking us there. She does this with krispy kreme, too. Just go in and get money. No gambling, ok? Absolutely not. Shutty. Still declined, ma'am. What? Sorry. I don't believe this. Do i have to put this stuff back or yeah. Excuse me. Thank you. I'm sorry. Sorry. Thanks. Hi, irv. Got my check? Irv's not here. The name's arthur spooner. And you are? Steve gitt. I'm with royale pudding. I know all about you, mr. Gitt. How you like to prey on the elderly And their weakness for creamy desserts. Well, news flash, mister. Your days of price gouging are about to end. Um, what we charge is right in line with the other companies. I don't want some price cooked up In the smoke-Filled rooms of your pudding cartel. I want real value. Now, i'm going to write down a number, And that's what we're going to pay from now on. Where's a pen? You can use mine. Thank you. What's this, your company logo? Mm-Hmm. Mmm, it's quite a handsome pen. You can keep it if you want. You mean that? Sure. Nicely played, mr. Gitt. How are we doing on time? You don't have to worry, spence. We'll get you to your precious wedding. Take it easy on him. Thanks, but i think i had enough of your advice Back at that blackjack table. What's that supposed to mean? "Oh, you gotta split those 8s. " You always split 8s. That's what the book says. What book is that, the secrets of losing, by i. B. Stupid? He's right. You always split 8s. You didn't help matters either, Smiling at me like that jinxy. Don't call me jinxy. You owe me $200. You owe me a new leather jacket. Guys that's jinxy's fault! Don't say that! Just shut up. I got a slightly better idea. Why don't you shut up? You're buying me a jacket. Ok, don't be touching me. I'll touch you all i want. Don't do that, man! Oh! Oh, my god. The announcement flew out! So? I don't remember the name of the church. Hello. Hey, it's me. Oh, hey, honey. Where are you guys now? I don't know. Buttcrack, kentucky. Buttcreek. Anyway, i lost the name of the church That denise is getting married in. Do you have the paper there? Uh, yeah. I think i do. Hey, honey, funny story. I was at the market today. I had a cart loaded with stuff, And they wouldn't take my credit card. And here's the funny part they said it was maxed out Because of a charge at a cachingo casino. Really? Did you lose $600? Only because of splitsy and jinxy! What is going on there? Do you have the name of the church? Yes, i have it. Greater mount morris first presbyterian. Great. Thank you. And by the way, you do know that you're dead, right? Oh, sure. I got it. Great. Now we need gas, we don't have any money. I have one more credit card, But i'm only supposed to use it in case of an emergency. It's got, like, a 30% interest rate. I think this is an emergency. Hey, we need a fill-Up on, uh, pump number 3. Whoa. We do not accept visa. What? Diner's club or sunoco- Either one. Is there anyplace around here that does accept it? Indian casino up the road. Different card. Declined. I know the drill. Pardon me. "Happy valley pudding. " You got a nice product, mr. Lucas. Thanks. I like it, too. Maybe a bit too much. I'm just gonna jot down a few notes here With my pen. Oh, my. I seem to have inadvertently Grabbed the pen provided to me by royale pudding, Your fiercest competitor. This is awkward. How so? Well, just that it's quite a nice pen. It would take a strong man not to be seduced by it. It's leaking a little ink on your hand there. Stop being coy, mr. Lucas. You're a man of the world. You want a shot at this account, Start batting your eyes and show me your goodies. What?! Perks! Swag! Start wooing me. Um i have a rice pudding sample, But it's been in my car for a few weeks. That's it? Then why the hell are you wasting my valuable time? You called me! At home on a sunday! You know what? Get out. Leave the rice pudding. All right, we've just entered tennessee. Governor phil bredesen welcomes you. Hey, bredesenyyyy! Oh, god, the yellow light on the fuel gauge just went on. That's all right. That's just to scare people. We could've gotten gas If you guys hadn't gambled away all our money again! See, that's just pointing out a problem Without offering a solution. Hey, deac, um your dad lives right on the way. Couldn't we ask him for the gas money? Look, i really don't want to see him. You know what, deac? Maybe he's changed. Maybe if you told him how you felt, You know, how he hurt you, You guys could forge a whole new relationship. That's right, old man. All i ever wanted was my daddy to tell me that he loved me. Well, i'll tell you something, boy, I don't know for a fact i even am your daddy, The way your mama catted around. Don't you talk about my mama! I'll kill ya! They're getting it all out. That's good. Yeah, you hightail it, boy. And don't you ever come back! Let's go. So how did you do moolah-Wise? Ok, 2 miles away. How we doing on gas? W- We're ok. I been doing a lot of coasting. Please, god, if you care anything about me, Let this car go Ok, big guy not a spence fan. Ow! I'm comin', baby. Your knight in shining arm- Oh, god! Aah! Come on. I think i sprained my ankle. Go on without me. Um i don't want to marry denise. But i can't walk. Ow! Aah! Ah! All right, this is it. Go. Go! Actually, she's probably already married by now. What say we head back? What?! Yeah, i changed my mind. This was fun. Y- You're doing this. What if i'm wrong? What if she doesn't love me? You're still doing it! Ow! Spence, you listen to me. We went through hell to get you here. I mean, danny, he may never eat solid food again. And i gambled away a mortgage payment, And now i gotta go home and face a wife Who's gonna kick my ass! And this man- This man is broken. To get you here, He had to learn that his daddy doesn't love him And his mama slept around. Might've slept around. Might've slept around. And why did we do it? I'll tell you why. 'Cause we believe in you. So the least you can do Is believe in yourself, too. Let's stop a wedding. in marriage, the most sacred of institutions. But first if there is anyone here Who has reason to believe These two should not be joined in sacred matrimony, Let him speak now or forever hold his peace. I do! I love you, denise ruth battaglia! I love you, too, ted. I'm so sorry, scott. Oh, hi, spence. Glad you could come. Huh! So, how's everyone enjoying their after bingo treat? I thought we were getting pudding. Why are we eating baked beans? It's a change of pace. Open your minds, you old buzzards!