The New Kid

(opening theme song)

(at Lawndale High)

(Daria is at her locker when Jodie approaches)

Jodie - Hey, Daria. I didn't see you today. You said you might come to the photography meeting for yearbook.

Daria - Yes, well, when the dentist turned off the gas, I had a change of heart.

Jodie - But it's fun, and it looks good on your transcript.

Daria - I'm against both those things.

Jodie - Free film and developing.

Daria - Mmm-hmm...

Jodie - And if your parents find out that you're even considering it, you could probably squeeze some tremendous bribe out of them.

Daria - I'll think about it.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria, Jake, and Helen are seated at the kitchen table; Daria pushes a stack of money towards Helen)

Daria - I can't believe you're trying to bribe me... with singles.

Helen - Sweetie, it's not a bribe, it's a deal. Honestly, you're worse than my clients.

Daria - I'm sorry. Yearbooks completely distort the reality of high school. Of course, the yearbook experience could provide material for a web page... if I had the software.

Jake - Software it is!

(Jake grabs stack of cash as Quinn enters)

Quinn - Hi!

(Quinn takes the money from Jake's hand)

Quinn - Big date! Can't talk! Bye! (exits)

(at Lawndale High)

(in the yearbook room, Daria is examining a group of photo negatives when Ted enters)

Ted - Hey! You're Daria, right? I'm Ted, the photo editor. I saw your pictures.

Daria - Then cut the small talk and get straight to firing me.

Ted - (laughs) That's funny, because it's the exact opposite of the truth, right? You're using sarcasm, aren't you?

Daria - Actually, I was being sincere for once. What planet are you from?

Ted - Planet? (laughs) Hey! Hyperbole! Very interesting. No, seriously, though, I loved your photos. Your composition seems very Spanish, not unlike the peasant paintings of Francisco Goya. I'm a huge Goya fanatic. You?

Daria - Um, yeah, huge.

(at the Lane house)

(Daria and Jane are in Jane's room; Daria is lying on the bed reading and Jane is painting)

Jane - Actually, Goya liked to paint death, destruction, brutality. You'd have made good pen pals.

Daria - And the interesting part is, he's never been to school. His parents have taught him at home until now. Isn't that kind of cool?

Jane - I judge things by results, so I would have to say... no.

Daria - Hey, sarcasm. You two would get along.

Jane - If he makes you join his cult, can I have your web page software?

Daria - He doesn't belong to a cult, and the shrink-wrap never comes off that software. Soon as I get it, I'm exchanging it for Cannibal Fragfest on CD-ROM.

Jane - Computer ultra-violence. Goya would have loved that.

(at Lawndale High)

(Ted and Daria are sitting in the yearbook room)

Daria - Well, since you ask, I was kind of trying to get a high contrast of light and dark.

Ted - Neat! You must read a lot of Ovid. I read Orpheus in the Underworld when I was six, and it still haunts me.

Daria - Uh, yeah. Me, too.

Ted - You know, I had to talk my parents into going to a normal school.

Daria - When do you start?

Ted - (laugh) Irony! But I like it here. I only wish that volunteering or charity fundraising got as much yearbook space as sports and clubs. Come on!

(Ted and Daria go to Mr. DeMartino's desk)

Ted - Mr. DeMartino? Daria and I were just saying that there are some students at school who are really making a difference, and maybe we're short-changing them a little bit in the yearbook.

Mr. DeMartino - How noble. Perhaps you think we should cut some pages from sports and clubs to make more room?

Ted - Hey! Good idea, sir!

Mr. DeMartino - Let me pause and reflect. Everyone! Sports and clubs are cut by ten pages!

(everyone starts shouting their objections)

Mr. DeMartino - Ha! Not my idea! You've been sabotaged by your own kind. They thought of it.

(Daria looks as if she wants to crawl into her locker, while Ted is blissfully unaware of the hostility aimed their way)

Ted - This is going to be great!

(in the hallway, Daria is at her locker when Kevin and Brittany approach)

Daria - Hello?

Kevin - Hello, traitor. It's a nice day, isn't it... for a traitor.

Daria - How can I betray something I don't believe in?

Kevin - In case you didn't know, sports are, like, the beating heart of the yearbook... um, system!

Brittany - Yeah! Plus, it's like getting in the yearbook is the only reason to join French Club in the first place!

Daria - Gee, Brittany, what about your deep love for French people and their culture?

Brittany - Love had nothing to do with it! He was just a lonely exchange student, and I wanted to give him an American goodbye!

Daria - Huh?

Kevin - Huh?

Brittany - Sorry... this yearbook crisis is just messing me up!

Kevin - It's all right babe. See what you've done? Traitor!

(Kevin and Brittany exit)

(in the cafeteria, the Fashion Club members are seated at a table)

Stacy - It's totally rude!

Tiffany - Completely heinous.

Sandi - It's like this girl Daria doesn't understand reason, or something.

Quinn - Well, I hear she's a brain. You can't reason with brains.

Sandi - I'm still going to talk to her. As president of the Fashion Club, I can be kind of intimidating.

Quinn - Oh, you're definitely scary, Sandi. But I think this is a special case, so let me talk to her. It would mean so much if you let me try.

Sandi - You're the best.

Quinn - No, you.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria is sitting on her bed, reading, while Quinn stands nearby, trying to present her case)

Quinn - But you can't be serious about this.

Daria - Listen, Ted has a point.

Quinn - Ah-ha! It's that boy. So, it's all about love, is it?

Daria - It is not about love.

Quinn - All right, keep it your secret to cherish always. But just because you're going out...

Daria - Ted and I are not going out.

Quinn - Whatever. Just tell "loverboy" we want our yearbook back.

Daria - Did you hear that? You just used the verb "want" with the noun "book."

Quinn - Save the math games for your boyfriend. (leaves)

(at the Dewitt-Clinton house)

(a knock is heard, and Ted opens the front door for Daria)

Ted - Gosh, I'm glad you could come over. Did you have any trouble finding it?

Daria - The corn growing in your front yard sort of tipped me off.

Ted - Yeah. We keep the squash and beans in the back. I've got all these photo ideas that I want to tell you about. I think a WPA black-and-white dust bowl documentary style would be perfect!

Daria - Um, yeah. Hey, what's this? (points to wooden box on a shelf)

Ted - Oh, that's the phonograph my dad and I made, and from what I've heard about television, this is just a good! Hey, I have some early music played on period instruments. You feel like you're right there in front of the viola da gamba!

Daria - Actually, Ted, maybe just quiet.

(they sit on a wooden sofa)

Daria - This couch is all wood. You and your dad made it, didn't you?

Ted - Georgia pine! Very soft.

Daria - Okay, that does it. (stands) I'm sorry Ted; I can't keep up with you.

Ted - Keep up? What are you talking about? You're the remarkable one.

Daria - Oh. (sits down again)

Ted - I mean, please don't take this wrong, but you've got it all.

Daria - Um, thanks. Here, want some gum?

Ted - Hmm. (takes a stick and starts chewing)

Daria - I guess when all is said and done, we're just a couple of ordinary American teenagers. Right? (pause) Ted?

Ted - Wow! So this is gum! I like it! Mom! Dad! Gum! I got gum!

(Ted runs off as Daria buries her face in her hands)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(at the sound of banging on the front door, Jake opens it to reveal two rather pissed-off people: Leslie DeWitt and Grant Clinton, Ted's parents)

Grant - Morgendorffers?

Jake - If this is for Greenpeace, uh, we've already given.

Leslie - Greenpeace? Those corporate puppets?

Helen - Do we know you?

Leslie - Leslie Dewitt.

Grant - Grant Clinton. Ted Dewitt-Clinton's parents.

Helen - Sorry, is he one of the boys who went out with Quinn the other night?

Grant - Does this look familiar?

(holds out a small plastic bag with a wad of used gum)

Jake - Gum?

Leslie - Yes, from your daughter Daria.

Helen - Would you like to come in for a drink?

Grant - Alcohol, I presume. Well, now I see where she gets it.

Helen - I'll make a pot of coffee.

Grant - Caffeine?!

Jake - I don't really understand the problem here.

Leslie - Naturally. You people are happy chewing on the empty offerings of so-called modern society. We'd just appreciate it if you kept them away from our son's mouth.

Helen - Now, look here, hippy. Daria may be a handful sometimes, but just because she gave your kid some gum is no reason...

Leslie - It wasn't just the gum. She also gave him this.

(hands Jake a cassette tape)

Jake - The Beatles?

(Grant starts to cry)

Leslie - We've tried so hard, and nobody seems to care.

(Grant and Leslie leave)

Jake - Who the hell is this Ted kid?

Helen - And what's happening to this neighborhood? First people growing corn, now this?

(at Lawndale high)

(Daria and Jane are seated at a table in the cafeteria)

Daria - Well, maybe he is a little weird, but he's also a little sweet. Isn't that important?

Jane - Not as important as the fact that he never had gum before. This is so cute! You're involved with a kook!

Daria - We're not involved.

(Ted enters)

Ted - Hi, Daria! I was looking for you. I carved you this necklace, as thanks for the gum.

Jane - That's beautiful. I guess somebody here is involved.

Ted - Involved in what? Hey, who wants some hummus?

Daria - I can't take this. Keep it.

Ted - But I want you to have it. I made it...

Daria - Ted, I can't take it. We work together on yearbook. We don't make jewelry for each other.

Ted - You aren't being sarcastic or hyperbolic, are you?

Daria - No.

Ted - Oh, then I guess I'll see you at yearbook.

(Ted exits)

Jane - Um, you did the right thing?

Daria - Yeah. A guy makes me a necklace by hand and I act like it's nuclear waste. Sure. I did the right thing.

Jane - Okay, now you're being sarcastic.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Helen, Jake, and Quinn are in the kitchen)

Helen - But why haven't we heard about this boy before?

Quinn - Because he's a freak!

Jake - Freak is, uh, good, right?

Quinn - Yeah, if you think belonging to a cult is good. Plus, everybody in the cult has to wear ugly clothes and be completely unsocial. It's the worst!

(Daria enters)

Helen - A cult? Who is Ted and why haven't you told us about him, and is he trying to get you to join a cult?

Daria - (rolls eyes) Oh, brother.

Jake - He calls himself brother? You mean like Brother Ted?

Daria - No, like, "Oh, brother, you're all crazy." Ted is a nice guy from yearbook. He's odd, but he's not in a cult. And for the last time, we are not going out. (exits)

Helen - She's obviously lying.

Jake - Absolutely.

Quinn - No question.

Helen - Can't you talk to her, Quinn? Why don't you set her up with one of your friends? They're all normal.

Quinn - Yeah, and that's exactly why they would laugh me out of town if I tried.

Jake - If you do, Mom and I will make it sweet for you.

Quinn - How sweet?

Helen - How does your own web page sound?

Quinn - Not as nice as the crunch-crunch-crunch sound of a new pair of shoes on the high school parking lot.

Jake - Deal! Quinn, you're the best.

Quinn - Duh.

(at Lawndale High)

(the Fashion Club members are seated at a table in the cafeteria; several boys are seated at the far end of the table)

Tiffany - I don't understand why we should help some random loser find a date.

Sandi - Now, that's exactly the kind of negative attitude that says, "I'm a fashion news reader and not a fashion news maker."

Quinn - Thank you, Sandi.

Stacy - But who will we get to be her date?

Quinn - (glances at end of table) Robert? You like sitting at the other end of our table, right?

Robert - Uh, yes, ma'am!

Quinn - Then I have an assignment for you.

Robert - Yes, ma'am!

(in the gymnasium)

(Daria and Jane are next to a trampoline that the student nicknamed "Burnout Girl" is jumping on)

Daria - Do you think I was too mean to Ted?

Jane - Oh, brother.

Daria - He's not a brother, and he's not in a cult. He's just very honest and ethical and smart, and I shouldn't have been so mean.

Jane - Whoa. You're really into him, aren't you?

Daria - No, but I do like the way he scares my parents.

Jane - Are you sure annoying your parents is good grounds for a relationship?

Daria - It was for Romeo and Juliet.

(suddenly, Burnout Girl screams and bounces off the trampoline, falling to the floor behind Daria and Jane)

(in the yearbook room)

Daria - Um, Ted, I think I owe you an apology. Your necklace was beautiful and I was a jerk for not taking it.

Ted - That's okay.

Daria - Really? Good. Then I was hoping you'd let me buy you a slice of pizza.

Ted - To be honest, Daria, I think maybe you were right. We should keep our friendship on a strictly yearbook level.

Daria - Wait a minute. Are you blowing me off?

Ted - Well, my parents warned me that kids in conventional school can be kind of... shallow.

Daria - You think I'm shallow?

Ted - You sort of remind me of that really popular girl I've seen around... Quinn, I think. Do you know her? You'd probably get along.

(judging by the look on her face, Daria's shock could probably be felt on the other side of the planet)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria and Quinn are watching TV in the living room; the screen shows the Sick, Sad World logo, followed by the image of a penny)

SSW Announcer - Next on Sick, Sad World: hoax, or vision? Some people in Florida claim they've seen the face of Jesus... on a penny!

Quinn - Look, if you get thrown off a horse, you have to get back up and shoot it, right?

Daria - I guess so.

Quinn - So, I know this cute guy who's got a huge crush on you. Let's double!

Daria - All right, this is either a plot to humiliate me, or you need me to go so I can do something for you.

Quinn - Okay, okay, it's a trick. If you come, Mom and Dad will extend my curfew by half an hour, plus I'm dating this guy Shawn who never shuts up. I want someone else there who can talk.

Daria - Forget it.

Quinn - Ten bucks?

Daria - Per hour.

Quinn - You're on.

Daria - Nope, I've changed my mind.

Quinn - Come on, Daria! You want Mom and Dad to set you up with somebody?

Daria - (rolls eyes) Oh, God.

Quinn - Now, hurry up and get ready. I want to get to the shoe store before it closes.

(blue SUV drives down the street; inside are Quinn and Shawn in front, Daria and Robert in back)

Daria - So, what exactly are we going to do on our date?

Shawn - What?

Quinn - Quiet, Shawn. (to Daria) We'll drive around; go to a convenience store... whatever. The usual random teenage shenanigans. Isn't that great? (Quinn hits Robert) Talk to her!

(Robert starts to read from a stack of note cards)

Robert - Um, so, what do you think of UN-mandated emission control laws for Third World countries?

Daria - Noble idea, but the UN's time table is unrealistic. How about you?

Robert - Uh, same. Agree or disagree: trade embargoes are an effective way to deal with countries that vi-o-late human rights.

Daria - Agreed, but with major trading partners like China, our government always finds a loophole. You?

Robert - Yeah, same. Can sports and clubs get their pages back in the yearbook?

Daria - Okay, stop the car.

Shawn - What?

Quinn - Quiet, Shawn. (to Daria) Why? You two are getting along great!

Daria - I should've known this wasn't a real date when Robert here kept calling me "Darcy."

Robert - Sorry, ma'am.

Daria - And "ma'am." You were trying to buy my influence with a date?

Quinn - That's how we do it in America, comrade.

(Daria gets out of car and walks away)

Quinn - Nice work.

Shawn - What?

Quinn - Quiet, Shawn. I meant bonehead, here.

Robert - The cards got mixed up.

Quinn - From now on, you'll have to find a different table to sit at during lunch.

(Robert starts to cry)

Quinn - (relents slightly) For the next week.

Robert - Thank you. Thank you.

Shawn - What?

(at Lawndale High)

(Ted and Daria are examining photographs in the yearbook room)

Ted - This one's great. You can really feel the pain. But aren't there supposed to be spotters at the trampoline?

Daria - Well, I don't think even spotters could've stopped that fall. Anyway, she's fine. In fact, she fell off the uneven bars today, so it was clearly her own fault.

(the Fashion Club, plus Kevin and Brittany, enter and face Mr. DeMartino)

Daria - Uh-oh. The angry villagers.

Sandi - We want our rightful yearbook pages.

Brittany - It's not fair that a couple of outsiders are dictating the way yearbook is done.

(Note: Brittany squeaks the word "outsiders," which Mr. DeMartino then sarcastically imitates)

Mr. DeMartino - Hey, these two outsiders made a good suggestion, and if it's a good suggestion, who cares if it's fair?

Quinn - Stand your ground. They can't make us go.

Ted - Hey, everybody! Why don't we postpone the showdown until after the sale at Cashman's?

(the Fashion Club runs out)

Kevin - Not so fast. I'm not leaving until I get results.

Ted - Shall we settle it with a grip contest?

(Ted grabs Kevin's hand)

Kevin - What's that?

(Ted twists Kevin's arm around)

Kevin - Ow! The geek's hurting me! Ow! Ooh! Ow!

(Ted releases Kevin)

Brittany - Babe! Are you all right?

Mr. DeMartino - That's it. I'm talking to the union. Next year, chess club.

Daria - That was a good trick.

Ted - Isometric exercises. I've been doing them since age ten.

Daria - Ted, I've been thinking. Can we bend our yearbook-only policy and maybe go out for some pizza?

Ted - Pizza sounds great!

Daria - Really?

Ted - Pizza... what's it mean?

(at the pizza place)

(Ted and Daria at sitting in a booth, a pizza on the table between them)

Ted - I hate to say it, but I think I enjoy this processed cheese. What kind of process do they use?

Daria - It's a sugarless version of the one for Ding-Dongs and Ho-Hos.

Ted - (laughs) Ding-Dongs and Ho-Hos! You're crazy! I think that's kind of why I like you.

Daria - I like you, too. That's what's really crazy.

(both take a bite of pizza and pull the slice away, trailing a string of cheese; Daria blushes and they start talking over each other)

(at Lawndale High)

(Mr. DeMartino is in the yearbook room when Ms. Barch enters)

Mr. DeMartino - Ah, Ms. Barch.

Ms. Barch - I understand you're cutting the club pictures out of the yearbook.

Mr. DeMartino - We decided to shift the emphasis...

Ms. Barch - Oh, save it. You know who the faculty advisor to the Science Club is?

Mr. DeMartino - Uh...

Ms. Barch - The same person who sponsors the Take Back the Night Lawndale High School women's self-defense club.

(Mr. DeMartino goes wide-eyed just before Ms. Barch starts kicking his ass around the room)

(at the pizza place)

Ted - So, what do degenerate outsiders like us do after pizza?

Daria - I thought maybe we could play some video games at the arcade.

Ted - Oh, no, I don't think so. Gum is one thing, but...

Daria - They're harmless. Besides, if you're drafted, you need to know about them.

Ted - I guess I am a little curious.

(at Mr. Fun's Exciting World of Games)

(Daria and Ted enter and walk past Robert and two friends seated at a counter)

Robert - Come on, dudes, let's get over there.

Guy - Why?

Robert - So we can hassle that chick Darcy and her date.

Guy - Why?

Robert - I can't remember, but I think it's important.

(Daria and Ted walk up to a virtual 3D simulator)

Attendant - Which do you want? Castle scenario, underwater paradise, futuristic dystopia?

Ted - I guess the castle one.

Attendant - Okey-doke, boss.

(Daria and Ted each step onto the pads and slip a pair of VR goggles on; the view shifts to the inside of the game, a TRON-like environment where both Ted and Daria are dressed in suits of armor)

Ted - Daria?

Daria - It's too much, right? I feel a little sick myself.

(Ted looks around in awe)

Ted - It's not really representative of medieval society, but I have to say this is the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life!

(outside, Robert and friends approach the attendant)

Robert - Uh, those are some friends of ours. Can we join in?

(inside the VR game)

Ted - The royal throne!

Daria - Good. I need to sit down.

(Robert and his two friends appear in the game)

Robert - Not so fast, weirdoes.

Daria - Robert?

Robert - That's Sir Robert, Darcy.

Daria - Daria.

(Robert and friends charge and Ted steps in, easily beating all three back with his sword)

Daria - Ted? Wow.

Ted - I taught myself from the eleventh-century manuscript on swordplay. It's easy.

Robert - No way. I'm not going out like this. Come on!

(Robert runs away after his friends)

Ted - Let's go, Daria. We can catch them!

Daria - This is making me nauseous. You go ahead.

(Ted chases Robert as Daria removes the helmet)

Daria - Ah.

(Daria sits down on a bench; after some time passes, she walks up to where Ted and the others are still playing)

Daria - Ted, they're gonna close up pretty soon.

Ted - They'll have to pull the plug, then. We still have a lot of fight left. Right, men?

Guys - Aye!

(Daria exits, leaving Ted and the other guys to continue playing)

(at Lawndale High)

(Daria and Jane are standing in the hallway)

Daria - It's my own fault. He didn't even want to go to the arcade.

Jane - I told you: first date, stick to vandalism and loitering, but you always have to be different. (looks down the hall) Heads up.

(Ted walks in from the other direction with Robert and his friends)

Ted - What you want to do is take the strain off your wrist and use more on your elbow. Like this! (lunges with an imaginary sword)

Robert - Oh, yeah! You gotta show me on the machine. Maybe after school?

Ted - Okay. You don't know where we might obtain some gum, do you?

Jane - Boys playing with swords. I think that probably has some significance.

Daria - Oh, well. At least we're still fighting the good fight at yearbook. I'll see you later.

(in the yearbook room)

(when Daria walks in the door, she notices that Mr. DeMartino has a black eye)

Mr. DeMartino - Ah, Daria. I have some bad news about those pages we took from sports and clubs. (hand goes to eye) Ow, woman!

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Helen and Jake are seated in the living room as Daria enters)

Daria - I have to tell you something.

Jake - You joined the cult?

Daria - There's no cult. I had to resign from yearbook. It was a question of ethics.

Helen - (weary) Again?

Jake - Don't worry, she was on staff for a week. She can still put it on her college application!

Daria - No questions about ethics here. So, then, can I keep the web page stuff?

Helen - Actually, we gave it to Quinn.

Daria - Quinn? Did she remove the shrink-wrap?

(Quinn, in her room, is looking at her personal web page on a laptop computer)

Daria - I don't believe it. You did this yourself?

Quinn - Of course not. I had one of the cuter technical types from school set it up for me.

Daria - I had to ask.

Quinn - Oh, sorry it didn't work out with that Ted guy. Isn't it funny that now it turns out that he's almost sort of cool and interesting?

Daria - Yeah, hilarious.

Quinn - Hey! Check it out! My web page just had twenty-five hundred hits in just the last three hours!

Daria - Really? I can beat that.

Quinn - You don't even have a web page.

Daria - No... but I can hit.

(Daria closes the door; we then hear the unmistakable sounds of Quinn being slapped silly)

Quinn - Ow! Ow! Mom! Dad! Help!

(closing credits)