Momma's Boys (The Venture Bros.)

The Venture Bros.: Season: 5 - Episode: 6



Momma's Boys (The Venture Bros.)

Prologue
Venture Compound

[''Peaceful night at the Venture Compound. Inside the building, Rusty Venture walks towards Hank's colorful bedroom]''

Rusty: All right, Dermott, it's time for you to go home. [Rusty looks inside the bedroom, and his face wrinkles in disgust.] Why are you two dressed like that?

[''Hank and Dermott are sitting casually on Hank's bed, with Dermott's black-booted foot resting on a guitar amplifier on the floor. Dermott is wearing an open leather jacket with one metal shoulder pad and a makeshift skirt made from sweaters tied around his waist. Hank is wearing a pink shirt, pink tennis shoes, a pink sweatband around his head, a turquoise kerchief, and a white suit. He is holding a guitar.]''

Hank:   Hey, don't put your heteronormative gender-biased hang-ups on me, man. Boys can play dress-up, too.   Hey, can Dermott spend the night?

Rusty: Dermott can spend the night if Dermott takes out the garbage. It's Thursday. [Rusty walks back down the hallway]

Dermott: [Irritated]   Dude, what's up with your dad? Now he's giving me chores?

Hank: [Smiling] Listen, you're complaining to the wrong guy. Garbage was my job 'til 10 seconds ago.

[Rusty walks to Dean's door and knocks three times]

Rusty: Lights out! I   t's 11:00.

Dean:   They are!

Rusty: Candles count as lights.

Dean: What are you, a psychic?

Rusty: They're vanilla Christmas candles, Dean.The whole attic smells like cupcakes.Now, I'm expecting a call, so stay off the phone tonight.

Dean: You're destroying my life!

Rusty: Okay. 10 minutes. And no sexting.

Dean: Do you even know what that means?

Rusty: GYPO. I'm FOL. Code 9. TTYL. That's "get your pants off, I'm fond of leather, my parent or guardian is near, I will talk to you later" in sexting language. Daddy is hip to it, Dean. 10 minutes!

Dermott: So he's been doing this every night?

Hank: I got him to do it for six hours last night. Most of the time, he falls asleep right in the middle. I find him the next morning asleep with a phone in his hand. This will work.

Dean: No! Of course I do! I would've called earlier if my Dad didn't N-no, d-don't say that. Y you know he just but I do! I love you. No! I love you! No, I mean it, I just- Dad! Get off the phone! Rusty: Three more minutes, Dean.

Are you ready for "operation: keep your Dad from bugging us"? Hank: Check. Dialing in "T" minus 10 seconds. Check. Bluetooth activated? Check. Teddy doll activated? Check. Begin transmission.

Rusty: Yello? Ted, I presume? How's it hangin', player?

Hello. I'm Teddy. Would you like me to tell you a story?

Rusty: Bring it on, my man.

By Golly Gulch is home to so many friends! Friends like Grumble Bee and Lady Bugbear. But it's also home to Grumpy Bandersnatch. Everyone from by Golly Gulch knows that Grumpy Bandersnatch hates sliding down rainbows and never plays with us in the honey river.

Rusty: All right. Well, there's your problem. Grumpy doesn't ever play in the honey river. You said "never"? He just wants to steal our happiness.

Rusty: Exactly. You can't expect a guy like that to know what you've been through. He doesn't swim in the Honey river. Well, not like I do that much myself these days.

Hank: He'll go on for hours without taking a breath. He doesn't talk to people he talks at them.

Cool. All right, let's move. We go on third. Sweet! Yeah, but like eight bands, though.

Dermott: Stop! Hold up! My ass is vibrating!

Hank: Me too! The hair on the back of my neck is standing up! We are awesome!

Dermott: It's your freakin' Dad again. He's been calling every five minutes for a week. He's going through Teddy-talk-to-me doll withdrawal.

Hank: "Doll withdrawal.” Hey, say that. It's hard. Doll withdrawal.

Dermott: Doll withdrawal. Yeah, it is. Oh, your Dad's calling again. This is nuts! Hank: We got to tell him.

Dermott: Oh, yeah. "Oh, hey, Mr. V. your best friend is a talking doll. Wicked sorry. Oh, you're pissed? But we just did it to pick up chicks at a bar. " Hank: We never picked up chicks.

Dermott: I'm not going down for this and looking like a pussy at the same time. We picked up chicks. Yeah, right, H.E.L.P.er. Yeah, I'll believe that when the Ms. Pacman table calls you back. Hank: Dude, you can understand H.E.L.P.er now? Dermott: Yeah, wh-how did I do that? Hank: I don't even know how I do it.

You're both right. But we'll get slaughtered if we tell him. Honestly, how far can he take this?

Sergeant Hatred: The number's to a prepaid cellphone, Doc. It's untraceable.

Rusty: That's what I thought. Yup. He's in trouble. Grumpy Bandersnatch. I told him if he associates with these gangsters, they'll eventually get him. Well, what do we have here? No bugs, huh?

Sergeant Hatred: Did he ever actually say that he's in danger?

Rusty: I know the signs, Hatred! I'm not some overreacting first-timer! Aha! Looks like this leads right up to Right up to my tracing gear.

Sergeant Hatred: Doc, y-you saw me plug that in 20 minutes ago.

Rusty: Okay, fine. We're safe in here. I'm gonna check Hank's room. You check Dean's.

He won't let me in there.

Hank: If you're already Holding the guitar, I don't get why you don't just play it.

Dermott:I can, too! I totally shred. I just don't have an amp. You know, we should get one with the profits from the sales of our "Jacket" single.

Hank: even cash 'cause it's made out to "Shallow gravy"? Rusty: Okay, boys. We need to talk.

Dermott:H. E. L. P. er, you puss! Hank: This can be explained.

Rusty: Oh, I'm sure of that.

Dermott:Yeah, I--I-I have to go home.

Rusty: You're a part of this, too, Dermott.

Dermott:Okay, but it's Hank's fault.

Rusty: No! It's my fault. I let this happen. I associated with the wrong sort, and I've jeopardized the safety of my family. I went against my better judgment and befriended an ex-criminal named Ted. Suddenly he disappears, and I smell foul play. I search for bugs, and I find this. It's a tape of everything Ted ever said to me on the phone, Hidden in your stuffed bear. Boys, we are dealing with the type of criminal that would desecrate a child's toy. Wow. That's the kind of monster Grumpy Bandersnatch is! Now, I don't want to worry you. Believe me daddy will handle this.

Dean:What are you doing in my drawer?! Sergeant Hatred: Doc thinks the compound's been bugged. I was just looking for Dean: In my diary?! Sergeant Hatred: I think it's a journal, Dean. "Diary" is a it's a girl's word.

Dean:Fine! "Journal"! Now leave!

Sergeant Hatred: You know, I worry about you. You're looking kind of thin. Maybe you feel like your life is spinning out of control? Maybe the only thing you can control is your weight? Dean, are you a friend of Anna? Dean:Who's Anna? Sergeant Hatred: Rexia anorexia? Or do you have another girl in your life? A Bula?

Dean:Oh, my god! Get out of here! Bula Vinaka, beachside.

Is it Ted? Keep him on the line. We need to hook up a trace.

Sergeant Hatred: It's for Dean. I think it's a girl.

Seriously? Go do something else! Anything!

I can help with girl problems! Dean! Phone!

Dean:Got it! Hey! Yeah? I was just gonna call you. I-I really want to see you. Tomorrow? Tomorrow's perfect! I can't take it here anymore. I love you, too. Uh…I-I need you, too.

Dermott:Uh, want to hit taco bell?

Hank: Take a run for the border?

Dermott:Dude, fourth meal.

Hank: Eh, Venture lockdown. No tacos till my Dad slays Grumpy Bandersnatch and frees all the animal friends of by Golly Gulch.

Dermott:So stupid. How does he even believe this?

Hank: Last year, right where you're sitting, David Bowie, looking like David Bowie in the '70s, slapped a guy with invisible arms and legs. Right over there, Brock killed a guy from dimension "C" that may or may not have been an alternate Earth. Dude! Totally see you there! That's impossible! Stealth mode! And that's an ex-henchman for my Dad's archenemy. Pretty sure he lives in my yard now.

Dermott:No, no, I get it. I get it. But we got to fix this.

Psst! Hank!

Hank: Gary, knock it off! We can see you! Cannot! I'm a shadow.

Hank: I see the top of your head!

I can help. But the road will be hard and beset with challenges. If you accept this offer, I can only promise you upon your victory, you will finally become men.

Okay, guy watching us from the bushes, you make us into men. Should I get some lotion, or do you want to use blood and clown paint for lube?

Rusty: Welcome to the war room. Here's the plan. This is you and I. At daybreak, we take your tank uh, that's represented by a butter dish and we head to by Golly Gulch and rescue Ted. But we'll be in a tank. And this isn't to scale. It's, uh it's for butter.

Sergeant Hatred: Where's by Golly Gulch? I can't find it. This map is overly complicated.

Rusty: It's three Thomas guides taped together.

Sergeant Hatred: I'll just use my Vphone. Um, Vphone! Directions to by Golly Gulch.

Rusty: Pbht! You're telling me that a hunk of crap my brother made is more accurate than Mr. Thomas, with his delicious English muffins and his awesome maps? vPhone: Route calculated.

Rusty: Fine. My brother can't make English muffins, though. Or butter them, because I have the butter dish.

There's no other way to get into dunwitch, unless you're a blood relation to an inmate. We have to get committed flat out. And you're sure the real Teddy's there?

After voicing Teddy-talk-to-me, he was in a huge fire at the asian plant where they made the bears. He got totally disfigured and goes bananas and becomes a supervillain. I think he hugged President Reagan too hard or something. He's been in dunwitch asylum for the criminally obsessive ever since. And that is all fact.

Hank Well, we need to give my Dad a real Teddy. There's no other way.

Then it's settled. We're getting committed to dunwitch asylum.

Time to go to work. Got a lot to do.

Hank I can't do it. It's too watered down.

No, it's understandable. I get it. It's stupid, anyway.

Hank: Nobody move, see! This is kind of a holdup! We are insane criminals!

I'm the Viceroy! I mimic the monarch Butterfly, and I am obsessed with monarchs, so I mimic them! Dermott:I'm Flying Sidekick, and these are my magic nunchucks that I think might be pronounced "nun chaku. I am unsure of their pronunciation. Whoa! Crap! Sorry! Hank: And I'm Enrrrrrico Matassa, latin playboy and insane egomaniac! My name means "Hank Hank," and I'm also using a Hank of yarn as a weapon! Also, this is a huge Hankie! And that's our crime robot that we named Crimerobot!  We programmed him to think only about crime! He's obsessed with it! Now drop to the ground or something! Again, we are insane criminals!

vPhone: Left on Spring Street 1. 4 miles. Keep going, then take a left on Spring.

Sergeant Hatred: Okeydoke!

vPhone: Recalculating route. Take left on Plainview Drive 4. 3 miles.

Wait. No. Take the next left on Plainview in 4. 3 miles. Or do we stay on Plainview for 4. 3 miles?

vPhone: Recalculating route.

Hatred, stay on the road! You're confusing the stupid thing!

Sergeant Hatred: I'm flying over the road! Can't stay on it 'cause we're not on it!

Just do something to fix it! [ military music ] They had nutty buddies!

Sergeant Hatred: Not sure we're parked legally here, but I dare them to tow it. Double-dog-dare them to find a boot big enough for it!

Hank: Hey, don't hank me around, copper! Guild of calamitous intent member 28321MH! We are both clearly obsessively insane, and we demand a guild  representative to take us to dunwitch asylum.

Hey, Ricky! These two are G.C. I. and bound for wacky world. I'll radio it in. Less work for us, huh? All right, you two, let's go. Dermott:What? Wwe're insane criminals, too! Let me inform you of your rights, here, sweetheart. You have the right to remain silent.

[ fluorescent lights buzzing ] [ clock ticking ] She, uh, she really loves you, you know.

Dean:Uh Okay.

Yeah. I love you. We all love you.

Dean:Uh neat.

15 minutes.

My little jelly bean! Dean:Mom! Hey, hey! No touching! You got to sit down ri Dean:Hey! What's going Hushabye, my sweet baby. Mother's here. It's gonna be okay now.

I love mother!

What a good boy you are! You've grown into such a strong boy. Now take off your clothes and show mother your handsome body.

A butterfly. It's probably monarch. Butterfly. Bigger butterfly. That's a butterfly, as well. It's a butterfly again. Dude, I don't know who's making these things, but come on. Seriously, they all look like  butterflies! What else could they be? Hank: I see two ladies, hanked side by side. Between them is me, Enrrrico Matassa. They are fighting over the affections of Enrico Matassa, I think, but this one on the left, She has the husband. He is not hank at all. He is so unhank that he wants to fight Enrico Matassa! But Enrico Matassa is very hank. He is double hank!

Out of the way! Out of the way! The prisoner tore the kid's face off with her teeth! We're taking him to the infirmary!

Dean:What are you doing?! You almost broke my neck! Oh, my collectible Deanie baby! Mother just wanted more time with her boy. I can't say goodbye anymore! It's not fair to break up a family! It's not right!

All right. Checked with the guild's list of subordinates, manservants, and boy wonders. Flying Sidekick's not on record.

Dermott:That's because I'm not a boy wonder I'm a regular villain. It's "Flying Sidekick" as in the karate move. Like a side kick, you know, but in the air.

So you're not another villain's sidekick, and you can't fly?

Opening gate 2!

Got to take the weights off the kid. He can't really fly.

Dermott:What so I don't need a ball and chain?

Nah, we haven't used those in like a hundred years. I got that one from the, uh,  "old timey jails" display in the lobby there.

VPhone: You have arrived at your destination.

Sergeant Hatred: This just doesn't look like a what was it, gumdrop forest? Rusty:  I don't know. Maybe these are gumdrop trees. I'm not a botanist.

Sergeant Hatred: Gumdrop tree Doc, these are the kind of trees that disembowel scarecrows looking for wizards. Look, it says "take iniquity passage for 8 miles, arrive at Bygone Gulch. "

Rusty: Hatred! Bygone Gulch?! We're looking for by Golly Gulch! You heard me! I said "golly"! Stupid phone! We should've used my maps! I said "golly"! Hatred! Stop the jeep!

Dude, we got to find that Teddy guy and get out of here. I was over crafting when I was 7,  not including customizing my zoid liger model, obviously. Hank Obviously. And why are we making all these hearts? And why is mine awesome? Answer doily. Doily Doi-i-ly.

We make these hearts for her. It's the second Sunday in May. We're all Momma's boys. Are ya Momma's boy? What?! I mean yeah, of course. I love my mom. Then, brother, you know today is Mother's day. It's her day. On her day, we become a family. Soon, it will be time. Holy you're Teddy-talk-to-me! I think you're mistaken. Dude! We need your help! Cuckoo! 5:00! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Clock! Cuckoo! Clock! [ indistinct shouting ]

Rusty: Ugh! What happened? My head You got a concussion, there.

Rusty: Ugh. I feel si- nutty buddy! Bleh. That's it I'm calling for help.

Hey, Doc. I'm here with you. We're gonna die together. Over.

Dermott:I can't call my mom. She is nuts. She signed me up for Alateen because I smelled like booze. Which was only, like, pheromone spray cut with a touch of love's baby soft. Uh, because I've found that women are put at ease when they smell their own kind. Seriously. So, do you know, like, a lawyer or anybody I can call? Really? Like freakin' Dr. Bombay? All right. I'm gonna try it. It'll save me a quarter. Dermott:Whoa!

All those who creep are now asleep! Dermott? How intriguing. I felt that it was one of the Venture boys in peril. So odd. Dermott:Dude, that was sweet! Regardless, let's get you out of here.

Dermott:Aw, you gonna turn back time till, like, before this happened?

Well, no. I'm going to take your arrest record off their computer and  get us a taxicab. Dermott:Gyp.

Oh! I'm sorry. Was my appearing from thin air and putting everyone to sleep a disappointment? You see that kind of magical fun constantly, I assume? Not cool enough for you?

Mother! Cuckoo! Mother! Mother! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Mother! Mother! Mother! All my little babies! We are finally a family! Mother doesn't judge her sweet children. You're free free to be yourselves now! Dean:Mm that's my mom, I think.

Maybe man! Big time! Can you do Mommy your special favor now? Yes, mother! Maybe! Could you return me to the day when my little baby Dean was born? Of course! There's time for that! Aren't you a good boy. And, maybe man, could you put baby Dean in my pink, pillowy womb so I can finally give birth to my teenyweenie Deanie and be his only wonly Mommy? Mm maybe.

Hank "Finally give birth"? You're not my mother! I knew you were lying! Hankypoo?! You've come to me! I'm not a Hank She is not my mother! Yeah! She's not my mother, either! I'm the Viceroy! I want to be a monarch! Butterfly, I mean! No! She's not my mother! I'm Teddy! I want to slide down rainbows! And I'm radical left! I want anarchy! And and maybe a nice home and  a family. Yeah! Mother helped build the wall! tear down the wall!

Play nice, everybody! Shake hands, you two! Settle down! Settle down! Whoa, whoa, whoa! [ muffled screaming ] No! No! No! My sweet babies! No! Get going! I'll get your brother!

Sergeant Hatred: That is your worst death  confession? That? Really? Rusty: What? I let her believe she was the boy's mother. I messed her up pretty bad. Beats your "I was an O. S. I.traitor, boo hoo" nonsense. Sergeant Hatred: All right, all right! Here you see these man boobs here? Well, they kinda turn me on. Sometimes I look at them when I masturbate and pretend they're on a lady. There! That's a death confession! Rusty: I can beat it! Hank's friend Dermott? That's my illegitimate son. Yup love child. Don't act like you're not impressed.

Sergeant Hatred: Wow. All right, you win. That is Wow. [ indistinct shouting ]

Dean:Aww! I knew she wasn't our mom. That would've been a good thing, and don't get good things.

Hank: Yeah, it's just too bad that a raving lunatic that wanted to make you a baby again and then push you up her lady hole isn't our real mom. Real tragedy. Dean:Yeah. Good point. Amazingly, you always have good points, Hank. Hank That's "Enrico Matassa," my friend. Gary: Ah, there you are. Yeah, I couldn't find Teddy. It's a madhouse in there. I mean, it was a madhouse to begin with, but well, you know what I mean. Hank Eh, don't worry. We'll just tell my Dad that we went to save Dean. Dean:What? You didn't come to save me?

Gary: Aw, geez. Guild wasps. We got to haul.

Rusty: It's effortless. We're just tuned into each other. Ironic that my bestie is a dust head and my exkidnapper.

Sergeant Hatred: He kidnapped you?

Rusty: Yeah, about a year ago, when all those scientists were taken. He was working with these guys called the monster and

Sergeant Hatred: Ah, wait, wait. Don't tell me a guy with a robot voice, right?

Rusty: Yeah, that was him. Ted just gets mixed up with these guys, like Grumpy Bandersnatch and that robot guy. He's got to stop swinging from Gumdrop trees and grow up. I guess I'm like a mentor to him. Sergeant Hatred: Doc Ah, geez. I got to tell you something about Ted. You're not gonna like this at all.

Rusty: Hatred, stop moving! We're sliding again!

Grab the branch! Your buggy is about to slide down the gulch!

Rusty: Ted?! [ grunting ]

It's not a DNA test. I'm simply saying that when you summoned me, I felt the mind of a Venture boy. So I'm a Venture?

Magic reveals little more than questions. She is a capricious light that tickles the intellect and begs us to peer into the newly illuminated truth. Yeah, that's, uh, totally confusing. Then I, again, have done my job.

Well if, you know, I'm a Venture, then can you give me your daughter's new number? Not from beyond the grave, Dermott.

Rusty: I come to save you, and you end up saving me. How about that? I love you. You're my best friend. Now I have to return to my Lady Bugbear and all my friends in by Golly Gulch. Rusty: Call me, you rascal! And give your Ladybug a slap on the fanny for me, player! Ahhhh. You see what I'm saying? He's a bit out there, but just true blue. Now, what were you gonna tell me about him? Sergeant Hatred: That, uhh he's a burn victim? Rusty: Oh, my god. Right?

Credits. [ music: Shallow Gravy's "Diearrhea" ] Come on, smell feel the diarrhation they all died of Diarrhea Thomas Jefferson had Diarrhea James K. Polk had Diarrhea William Henry Harrison Yeah They all died

By the time we found the hover tank and removed the like it was too late to call, so

Hank: Oh, we had an interesting night, too. We were saving Dean from Myra,  who's not our mom, apparently? Rusty: Yeah Daddy makes mistakes, Hank. You boys needed free daycare, and when Myra was younger, she was quite the sexual panther. I needed my daycare, too. Dermott: Oh, gross! Dude, that's my cue. I don't want to hear this. I got to go to work in two hours. Later, loser.

Hank: Later, my fart-flavored friend.

Rusty: Yeah, she wore these little hot pants.

Hank: No! I don't want to hear it, either!

Oh, uh, later Dad.