Joel Hurwitz Returns

1 [Whirring] [Theme music plays] [Whirring] Man: It's alive! 8x14 - "Joel Hurwitz Returns" [Thunder rumbles] Any last words, McPherson? You're killing an innocent man! May God have mercy on your soul. [Static pops] Oh. What's wrong with that thing now? [Clanging] Stop the execution! We have new evidence! The nanny cam my wife used to catch me cheating on her with the nanny! I forgot all about it! The murder weapon was planted in McPherson's room! By a goddamn robot? [Mechanical laughter] And I almost got away with it, too! [Laughs] I framed this fool for murder knowing he'd get the electric chair! You see, my fetish is oblivious hand jobs! [Laughs] Oh, but I've been flipping that switch for weeks! Thanks for the spanks! L. O. L. ! R. O. F. L. ! [Laughs] Announcer: "Robot Chicken" presents the first-ever $100 million Kickstarter campaign "Handjob Robot"! A two-hour feature film. Pledge now get a tote bag. Whacking off Summer 2017 briefly in theaters! Oh, gah right, I get it. [Thinking] My name is Matt Murdock. An accident with a chemical truck took my sight but enhanced my other senses. Now I protect Hell's Kitchen as Daredevil. [Sniffing] - Uh, w-what are you doing? - Oh, I'm Bill Smith. An accident with a chemical truck took away my sense of taste but enhanced my sense of smell. Now I sniff out crime [Sniffing dramatically] as the Schnozz. [Licking] - Ugh. - That's not sanitary at all. What?! Sorry, I'm Theresa Johnson. An accident with a chemical truck took my hearing but enhanced my sense of taste. [licking] Now I give crime a lickin' as Taste-T. Get it? "Tasty. " - That is very clever. - [yelling] What? Smells like he was thrown off the roof. This guy wasn't killed here. He was thrown off the roof. - That's what I just said! - What? Oh, there's the body. Hi. I'm Tim Kelly. An accident with a chemical truck took my sense of direction but gave me a fabulous sense of style. Now I disrobe crime as the Dresser. And he should not have worn that to his death. - What? - What?! - Wait, wait! - Another one? - Are you [bleep] kidding me? - I can't kid. An accident with a chemical truck took my sense of humor, but enhanced my sense of urgency. I'm Urgencia. No, no, no, no. A chemical-truck accident could not take your sense of humor. That's what she said. - I stand corrected. - What?! - You play baccarat well, mister - Bond. [Slurping] No first name, or [Slurping] At any rate, how about we play a more inter James Bond. [Sighs] - I call this game Mastermind. - What are the rules? Behind this shield, I've placed four colored pegs. You have 10 chances to guess the proper colors in the proper order. Child's play. [music] Very good, Mr. Bond. You have guessed three correct colors, but only one of them is in the correct position. Therefore, I've placed two white pegs, signifying two of the colors are correct, but in the wrong position. And one black peg, Signifying correct color in the correct position. Go again. So sorry, Mr. Bond. Now you have but one white peg and one black peg. Not only have you guessed one fewer correct color, but you can't be completely certain that the color you placed in the same order as the previous turn is actually the color earning the black - Die! [gunshots] - How dare you I'd rather get butt-slammed with a calculus textbook. Buttslam? That's my name. Fancia Buttslam. 007, did you get the nuclear launch codes? Whoops. Hey, man. What if we're not white with black stripes, man? Like, what if we're, like, black with, like, white stripes. Dude. Seriously. Have you ever, like [bleep] looked at your hooves? There is, like, this world inside your hooves - waiting for you, just waiting. - Whoa. - [Gasps] It's Johnny! - He's gonna play Simon! - I am so wet right now. - Nobody beats Sim What? Aah! Oh, my God. Oh! [Beeping] - Thank you, Simon! - Johnny, you're amazing! With your sick Simon skills, you could do anything you want in life! [Echoing] Life! Next customer. Yeah, hi. Can I get one hard taco, one soft taco, one medium taco, one taco pizza, one taco combo taco, one spicy taco combo, taco plate no, wait. Make that one soft taco, two taco supreme tacos with extra taco bits, one vegan taco with bacon, and a Dr. Brown's celery tonic. [Cash register dings] Thank you, Simon! Uh, my name's Joel. Are you gonna get my food? [Farting] [Beeps] [Farting] [Pooping violently] Get out of there, Snake! [Beeping] Great move. Let's continue the mission. Ha! They don't call me "Solid Snake" for nothing. [Laughs] Flush. [Toilet flushing] [Alarm blaring] - You cheated! - Don't tater-hate the tater-player! Tater-hate the tater-game, tater-hater! Taters gonna tate! Oh, Martin. While we still have these moments together, - I want you to know that I love you - Excuse me, sorry. I got to change the battery in that smoke detector. [grunts] Let me just get up in here. Oh, no, no, it's cool. He He died hours ago. - Hey, Party Popple! - Hey, Pancake Popple! Where's Putter Popple! Jesus Christ, I've had my face pressed up against my balls for hours. Are there scrote marks on my nose or what? I mean [bleep] me. Anyway, what's up, guys? Well, I've got no idea how to put him back together again. Let's see if the horses have any suggestions! What do you say, guys? Any thoughts on putting Humpty Dumpty back together again? [Snorts] - Well, it was worth a shot. - Dave, you're an asshole. [Laughs] Yay! Wow. That was fun, sisterhood. But you know what time it is. All: Time to pass the Traveling Pants! Here you go, Tibby. [Sniffs] Ugh! What the hell is that? Both: Ew! It's not fair! I always get the pants during our synched-up period week! [Sobbing] - It was bound to happen eventually. - Oh, that's real rich, Bridget. As rich as that turd you blasted! [Gasps] Admit it this isn't blood! - You shit the Traveling Pants! - [Gasps] Is it true? Yeah! I did it! I shit the pants! And I'd do it again! [Farting] Great. Now I shit my pants. Narrator: And that's when the Traveling Pants made one final journey to goodwill. The end. Bridget, did you shit the curtain, too?! [Dance music plays] Yeah, yeah, now take the lord's name in vain! I'll make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights! Together: Five little monkeys, jumping on the bed! One fell off and bumped his head! Mama called the doctor and the doctor said I'm calling child protective services. Micronauts, no longer will we travel around Micropolis with antiquated vehicles like these. [Creaking] Starting today, we will race around the city fighting evil at the speed of compressed air! Behold! I only have one question does it shoot toilet plungers? Because if it doesn't, I'm out. [Clang] Uh, time traveler, it's, uh, - kind of hard to move in this thing. - That's the point, Membros. Otherwise, the pressure could rip your arms and legs off. What?! J-Jesus, are you sure this thing is safe? It's just air, you baby. Now, get in there. If my calculations are correct, he's currently riding across town on a gentle cushion of air at 690 miles an hour. [Screaming] [Screaming] Oh [bleep]! G-Grandma and Sparky? But you're you're both dead! My address in heaven is 1381 West Cloud Avenue. Look me up when you get here in a minute. Do Do you mean a literal minute or a heaven minute? I don't know what that means. In you go. Come on, in you go. Spread out far and wide and keep the city safe from evil. So, how do I stop it when I get to my exit? - Are there brakes? - Brakes? [Chuckles] Of course there are brakes. They're right over there. Oh [bleep] me. Oh [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] Here! H-Here you go! Use these! Duck and cover! [Groaning] - Grandma! - Well, you sure died stupid. Oh, yeah, and slipping on a patch of ice was a real hero's death. Here's your medal of honor. Ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-Gawk! Bawk.