Breaking Curfew

Honey, what are you gawking at?

Are the neighbor's dogs going at it on the front lawn again?

Mandy and Kyle are makin' out.

Aw, I don't wanna hear this. Either way, just spray 'em both with the hose.

Good night, Mandy.

Night, Kyle.

Have a nice date?

Uh-huh.

Kyle's such a gentleman.

But I think I'm wearing him down.

Are you sneaking out?

Shh.

(Lowered voice) Boyd's sleeping.

And I am 23, okay? I do not sneak out.

I leave quietly without telling Dad.

(Giggles)

(Whispering) Psst. Mom.

Oh. Uh, Mike, honey?

Will you bring the recycling to the garage?

(Mike) All right.

(Lowered voice) Thank you! I'll be at Ryan's, okay?

Uh, keep your ear open in case Boyd wakes up?

You know, honey, I-I-I don't like being in the middle like this.

I-I'm really uncomfortable lying to your father...

For your stuff.

Mm.

Mom, it's not like I'm asking you to do something ridiculous, okay?

Now I'm gonna go put my car in neutral, you help me push it down the block.

All right, all right.

Roll it down the driveway. I'll be there in a minute. (Kisses)

Mm. You are the best.

Okay, okay.

All right. Recycling's out.

You can text your buddy Al Gore he can take another trip in his private jet.

(Kiss)

I'm gonna go to bed.

Yeah, I'll be up in a minute.

Oh, and tell Kristin it'd be easier this time if she remembers to release the parking brake.

(Door opens in distance)

What was that?

No, no, no. Stay in bed. Come on. It's cold.

(Muttering) It's cold because of those size-9 popsicles you call feet.

Come on. Oh, Mike, just let it go.

Someone came in through the back gate.

It could be a criminal, or worse.

It's worse.

It's one of your daughters crawling through the kitchen window.

Oh, honey, come on.

Can't we just tell Kristin the truth?

That you know she's seeing Ryan, so she doesn't have to sneak in windows in the middle of the night?

It's not Kristin. It's Mandy.

Mandy?

Don't need to hurry. She's stuck.

What the hell does she think she's doing?

It's four hours past her curfew.

And she has a key.

Ugh.

Oh, you know what, honey?

Maybe she just snuck out to meet up with Kyle.

I guess there are worse guys she could be with at 3:00 a.m.

There's no nice guys out there at 3:00 a.m.

I know. I used to be one.

They're only looking for one thing, honey.

I seem to remember three or four things.

This is supposed to be your job.

You're supposed to deal with this stuff with the girls when it comes to this kind of thing, you know?

And I'll deal with our sons.

(Chuckles) We don't have sons.

And thanks for dropping the ball on that one. Oh...

Can't you just have--just have a talk with her. Just go-- fine. (Stammers) You know, I'll go lay down the law.

You think I'm happy sittin' in here with no son to yell at? (Door opens)

(Sighs)

(Knocks on door)

Mandy?

Oh, nice try. (Door closes)

I know you're awake.

And it looks like you left your headlights on.

(Car alarm chirps)

(Switch clicks)

No...

Oh, man, come on. Come on.

Honey, you're in real trouble here.

You broke the most important rule.

I know. I missed curfew.

No. You let your dad find out.

Now, look, I can't stop you from doing whatever it is you and Kyle are doing in the middle of the night, but, honey, out of respect to your father, get better at deceiving him.

Okay. I'll try harder.

(Kisses)

I know you will.

I believe in you.

(Mouths words)

(Zips)

(Exhales)

Okay. (Sighs)

You won't catch Mandy coming in late anymore.

Good.

And I don't think anything has happened yet with her and Kyle.

How do you know that?

A mom can tell.

(Locker slams)

♪Zip-a-dee doo dah ♪ ♪ Zip-a-dee ay ♪

Hey!

♪ My, oh, my, what a wonderful day ♪

(Coffee pouring)

What's with Kyle?

(Kyle whistling)

Why's he so happy?

First off, he's got that idiot thing going on.

And secondly, he was out till 3:00 a.m.

Doing God-knows-what with my daughter.

I thought he and Kristin broke up.

Actually, he's dating Mandy now.

Kyle pulled off sisters?

That's impressive.

He'll be telling that story in bars the rest of his life.

Ed, we're talking about my daughters. (Mutters)

Kyle, let me speak to you.

Oh, no, no. You're too angry. No, no.

Let me tell Kyle to keep his mitts off Mandy.

It is Mandy he's putting his mitts on now, right?

Morning, sirs. It is a beautiful day, isn't it?

Sit. Sit down, son. Sit. Have a seat. Thank you.

(Door closes) Kyle, uh, remember that tiny fishing pond I-I used to take you to up on Mount Evans?

Yeah. It was great. I should go back there.

No, you shouldn't. No.

See, it's a bad idea to keep catching fish in the same pond.

Huh? Huh? Why don't you just mix it up a little bit, huh?

Yeah. Take your pole elsewhere.

All right?

Why?

It's a great pond.

I mean, I could fish in that pond all day and all night.

Well, you're young.

Kyle, I need to know what you did last night with my daughter.

And unlike Ed, try to remember who you're talking to.

Well, let's see.

Uh, we were watching TV for a while.

Uh-huh.

Uh, there's a rat loose in my apartment.

So my roommate got a snake to catch it.

And, uh, last night, we couldn't find the snake.

So now we're getting a mongoose.

And because we learned our lesson, a mongoose leash.

Mandy doesn't really like rats, snakes, or mongoose shopping on the lnternet, so I took her home around 10:00.

But she snuck back out and didn't come in until 3:00.

What?

Mm-hmm.

No. She texted me that she was going to bed.

Oh, God. Do you think she was out with somebody else?

Don't go there, son. She's not worth it.

Boyd's coming.

(Gasps)

Psych!

Wow, you jumped away pretty fast there.

Can I have my gum back?

I'm sorry. I'm just tense.

All this sneakin' around.

Mommy!

Double-psych. He was coming.

What are you and Daddy doing?

Why don't you, uh, go pick out a book, okay?

I'll be up in a minute.

Okay, look, I get why we're keeping a low profile around your dad, but why are we hiding this from Boyd?

Well, you're supposed to wait six months before you introduce your child to someone you're dating.

I don't think that applies if you're dating the kid's father.

We have met, Kristin. We seemed to hit it off.

I just don't want him to get his hopes up in--in case...

In case what? Kris, I'm not going anywhere. I'm all in.

And I am totally ready to tell Boyd.

Oh, you're gonna tell him. I knew this day was coming.

When do you start taking the hormones, Nancy?

And I'm the one you're hiding from Boyd?

(Kristin) Ryan, wait up. (Door closes)

Hey, Mandy, come out here. I wanna ask you somethin'.

You summoned me, Papa?

Acting like you're in "Yentl" is not gonna help.

Sit down over here.

Where did you sneak out and go last night?

Oh, I already told Mom where I was.

With Kyle. You were with Kyle, right?

Yeah. For a while. But... okay, then I had to go get my Bruno Mars on, so I went out dancing with my girlfriends.

Girlfriends?

Yeah, and my gays. They're better dancers.

It's funny. Kyle thinks you're out with another dude, the kind that can't dance, the kind of guy that only wants three or four things from a girl.

Wait.

You said something to him?

He brought it up.

So Kyle knows that I lied to him?

Dad, he's gonna freak out.

He's so into this whole, like, telling-the-truth thing.

Thanks a lot for butting in!

You probably just destroyed my entire relationship!

Hey, is Blanca coming tomorrow?

Why?

'Cause I need someone to help me clean up this load of crap she just left here.

So Mandy lied about going dancing?

Oh, yeah. I know she's lying to me when she calls me "papa."

Honey, she calls you "papa" all the time.

I know.

She just created all this drama so I wouldn't come down hard on her and Kyle for staying out till 3:00 a.m.

It's actually kind of clever.

What makes you think it wasn't Kyle's idea?

Because it's kind of clever.

(Laughs) Wow. So Mandy is the brains of their outfit?

Yeah. There's a first.

All right, well, honey, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

I-I really don't think they've done all that much yet.

These days, what does that mean, "All that much"?

Second base? Third base?

Well, you know they already went to first base.

I mean, they're holding hands, right?

Uh, fi--holding hands? That's not a base.

That's not even in the stadium. Holding hands.

What-- what's your first base?

First base is kissing with your eyes closed.

Mm-hmm.

Hers were. Mine were wide open.

I couldn't believe a girl was kissing me.

I always thought that kissing was second base, and third base was tongue.

Well, your boyfriends must have been excited when they got to, what, eighth base?

It's genius. He thinks he broke us up.

Now he won't be able to murder either of us for me being out past curfew.

Mandy, I hated lying to your father.

Made me feel sick to my stomach.

You know, like the time I ate that ham I found on the floor of my van?

(Laughs)

Well, I'll make you feel all better on Friday night.

You, um, you still have that coupon for the lmperial Park Hotel?

Yeah. Yeah, we have to use it by Saturday.

Oh, we are going to use it.

See, I'm going to be so unhappy and heartbroken that I'm definitely gonna need a sleepover on Friday at Chloe's house.

Wait, so you're telling your parents you're going to a sleepover at a friend's, but you're really meeting up with a guy?

Mm-hmm.

(Laughing) How do you come up with this stuff?

(Laughs)

Oh, okay. I-I have to go.

There's a snake crawling up my leg.

Oh, my God, Kyle.

Save that kind of talk for Friday. (Giggles)

(Phone snaps shut)

Well, well, well.

The lmperial Park Hotel, huh?

Denver's number one bar mitzvah venue.

Swanky.

(Clears throat)

I do not know what you're talking about.

Bar mitzvah? It's a beautiful ritual where a boy becomes a man.

Similar to what you'll be doing to Kyle Friday night.

I'm just curious.

I get kissing and all that.

But why the big rush to hook up with Kyle, you know?

In that way?

Big rush?

It's been two weeks.

It's just that I've seen you throw yourself at a lot of guys, and for some reason, it never works out.

Well, maybe they were the wrong guys.

Or did you just get bored with them because you move too fast?

Or they got bored with you for the same reason?

Kyle isn't like those guys.

Yeah. (Sighs)

I thought maybe he was one guy who would like you for who you are.

Not for what you think all guys want.

Eve...

Don't worry. Your secret's safe.

I'm not gonna tell Mom and Dad.

Thank you.

Friday night. The lmperial Park Hotel.

I don't have a room number yet, but I can get it.

The lmperial Park Hotel?

Didn't that used to just be the Park Hotel?

Right. Then they added a dog track next door, and they're feeling pretty high on themselves.

Oh.

All right, kiddo. Thanks for the intel.

Yeah.

You got anything on anybody else?

Maybe.

(Lowered voice) Nothing I can discuss in present company.

(Scoffs) Hey!

Buy yourself a bar of chocolate.

(Clicks tongue)

(Switch clicks) Well, according to your informant, they haven't done anything yet...

Until Friday... In a hotel.

(Sighs) By a dog track.

Well, at least we know it'll be special.

Come on, honey. I know the location.

I can shut this operation down just like that. (Snaps fingers)

Oh, Mike, who are we kidding?

If it doesn't happen there, it'll happen somewhere else.

Look, Kyle hasn't connected the dots, but the boy does drive a van.

Listen, we lost this battle with Kristin, and I'm not about ready to throw in the towel with Mandy, or for Eve, for that matter.

I know. Yeah, Eve's sisters haven't exactly been stellar role models.

And neither has their mother.

Hey!

Listen, look at these glamour magazines floating around.

What kind of image is this for Eve?

From the time they get up, they're bombarded with sexy images. (Mutters)

Magazines, movies, billboards.

This morning, I'm having pancakes-- the syrup bottle lady?

Yeah?

I think they bumped her up a cup size.

I don't mind that, because I get more syrup.

But I don't like the message.

The whole world is telling our daughters they're nothing unless they look and act like a p0rn star. (Switch clicks)

Like the vixen on the syrup bottle.

Oh...

It's--it's a war. (Switch clicks)

We may not win it, but we're gonna hold the line with Mandy and Kyle.

Oh, what you gonna do, call in a drone strike on your daughter?

No. It's called psy-ops-- psychological warfare.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

And luckily, one of our opponents is weak, feminine, and easily manipulated.

Hey. You wanted to see me, Mr. B.?

Yeah. Come on in. Sit down.

Listen, I'm sorry about what happened between you and Mandy.

She says you broke up.

Nothing worse than... being lied to.

Yeah. I'm in a lot of pain.

Well, listen, I want to try to make it up to you.

Thought maybe tonight I'd, uh, take you to, uh, the dog track.

Tonight? I can't.

I have a sleepover at my friend Chloe's house.

I mean, my friend... Khloe's house.

"Khloe" with a "k"-- that's how guys spell it.

Well, you certainly deserve a night out with your buddies.

'Cause you're an honorable guy. You really are.

That's why I think of you like a... a son.

(Sighs) A son?

Yeah.

That means a lot to me, sir.

And also makes Mandy my sister.

Which is uncomfortable and confusing.

You know what? If you ever have confusing thoughts, it might be helpful to ask yourself, "What would Mr. B. want me to do?"

Oh. I never thought of that.

Usually when I talk to myself, it's like, "Hey, Kyle, how's it going?"

"Fine."

"Working hard, or hardly working?"

I really give myself the business.

So, ask yourself sometimes, "What would Mr. B. want me to do?"

Like right now. Look at me and say to yourself, "What do you think Mr. B. wants me to do right now?"

Don't let it hit me in the ass on the way out.

Hey, Mama. I'll be at Ryan's.

I am not going out there to help you push that car again.

I already took my bra off.

All right. Well, would you mind, uh, putting Boyd to bed for me?

(Sighs) You know what, Kristin? Actually, I would mind.

Honey, I am not covering for you anymore with Dad or with Boyd.

I mean, honey, why-- why are we pretending that you and Ryan aren't a couple?

I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to tell Boyd. (Sighs)

Why do you and Ryan have to do everything backwards?

You have a kid, then you date, then you make introductions. (Sighs)

I don't know how I would even begin to explain my relationship with Ryan to Boyd.

Well, how about the truth?

Figure it out and explain it to your son.

Just leave out the gory details that he doesn't need to hear.

Look, honey, every parent needs to find ways to hide their s*x lives from their kids.

Now, if you'll excuse me, your dad's upstairs, and we have to go over the water bill.

(Door opens)

Aah!

This place is awesome!

(Door closes)

It's an executive suite.

Ooh.

So if anybody asks, we're here on business.

Hey, we got the whole night.

My parents are totally fooled.

Yeah.

I feel sort of bad about how I treated your dad.

Now he's over there at that dog track all by himself.

Forget about him. Concentrate on me.

I don't know what to concentrate on first.

So, what do you want to do now?

I don't know. What do I wanna do?

What would Mr. B. want you to do?

Not this.

What?

No, that's not what I meant. Uh...

What I meant to say is...

You're not ready for this.

You're not ready for this.

Uh... no. That's--that's not what I meant.

You could do so much better than this guy.

That's actually kind of hurtful.

What did I say?

Oh, no, no. Not you.

Kyle, are you... Are you all right?

No. My stomach has the ham flops, and I don't know what's going on in my head.

Are you having second thoughts about tonight?

Kind of.

Is it me?

No. No, no.

You're amazing.

It's just I... I know that when I rush into the physical stuff too fast, that becomes all there is in the relationship, and you stop trying to get to know each other in other ways.

Oh.

I was thinking the same thing.

I... might be a little fast to jump into physical stuff.

I think that's 'cause I know I'm just really, really good at it.

Yeah.

I figured you would be. (Giggles)

But...

There's plenty of other stuff we could do at this hotel.

Saw a pretty sweet bar mitzvah downstairs.

I think they have karaoke.

You wanna go?

That sounds fun.

Good.

You are a good guy.

Let's go.

Uh, well, now I-I can't.

Why?

Uh, I mean, I'm a good guy, but I'm still a guy.

Oh.

I'm just gonna sit here for a minute and think about your dad.

Okay, I'll see you downstairs. (Giggles)

(Door closes)

You are a good guy, Kyle.

Okay. Yeah, that did it.

(Knock on door)

Hey.

Aw.

And, hey!

(Laughs) Wh-what a great surprise.

I didn't know I was gonna see both of you tonight.

Come here, Boyd. Give me a hug.

(Whispers) What is he doing here?

Hang--hang on, Ryan.

Okay, before we go any further, I would like to formally introduce you to my son Boyd. (Door closes)

Boyd, this is Mommy's new boyfriend, Daddy.

I don't get it.

Well, what she means is that Mommy and Daddy are gonna be hanging around each other more.

But like a romantic couple.

Oh, you mean kissing?

Hopefully.

Hey, can we watch a movie?

Yeah. You know what? That is a great idea.

I'll put on a nice, long movie while Mommy and Daddy go tidy up the bedroom.

I guess.

Thank you.