Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost" from season 1, which aired on September 25, 1999.

Plot
Squidward: (talking to a wax statue of himself) Have I told you how beautiful you are? Your tentacles, your nose, your eye's...a little lopsided. (takes out the right eye, fixes it then puts it back in place) There. And now that I’ve been immortalized in wax, I have conquered all artistic media. Come on, my precious reflection, smile. (Squidward makes wax statue smile. Then he ears a crash from outside and frowns, as does the statue as well)

SpongeBob: Hike, Patrick, hike! (both run in separate directions but SpongeBob has a big rock. Drops the rock on the ground and it breaks in half) You just lost three points. (climbs a tree branch) One. Two. Five! (flips upside down and blows a bubble into a shape) G-7!

Patrick: G-7? King me! King me! (runs into the coral branch and pops the bubble) I lose!

SpongeBob: But it’s not Tuesday, Patrick.

Patrick: Tarter sauce! (Squidward peeks out)

Squidward: Hey! What are you invertebrates doing?

SpongeBob & Patrick: We don’t know.

Squidward: Hey Patrick, do you know what time it is?

Patrick: Uh, yeah, Squidward, it’s... (checks his watch but all the bubble soap leaks out when he turns his wrist around)

Squidward: Time to find some other game to play! (laughs. Turns on the record player while taking a bubble bath)

SpongeBob: Now what?

Patrick: (notices a shell on the ground) We could toss that shell back and forth.

SpongeBob: (picks up shell) Ok, ready! (throws shell into Patrick's belly. Patrick shoots it into the air)

Patrick: Go! (SpongeBob goes after it)

SpongeBob: I got it! I got it! (the shell flies through Squid’s open window, knocks into Squid’s sculpture, and it falls over) I got it! I got it! I got it! (Squid in the other room, hears a thump, but he ignores it. Sponge and Pat enter the room via the elevator) Remember Patrick, finders keepers.

Patrick: There it is! (points to the shell that is in the wax sculpture of Squidward)

SpongeBob & Patrick: I got it! I got it! (Patrick pulls the shell out)

Patrick: Bonus points! (Patrick starts to walk off)

SpongeBob: Uhh, Patrick? I think something’s wrong with Squidward. He looks unconscious.

Patrick: Don’t worry. I know how to do this. (Patrick tries to give CPR but his face turns blue and he floats up to the ceiling but lets out all the air and lands on top of the wax sculpture's head)

SpongeBob: Get off him, Patrick! (Patrick stands up)

Patrick: What are you worried about? (Patrick's behind is now imprinted on Squidward's face) He looks better already. (SpongeBob & Patrick stand him up)

SpongeBob: But he still feels cold. (bring him in front of the window)

Patrick: Well, let’s go put him in the warm.

SpongeBob: Do you think he’ll be ok?

Patrick: You know, you worry too much. The Patrick is here and SpongeBob I know a lot about head injuries, believe... (starts to drool as SpongeBob snaps his fingers) ...me. Hey, what’s that on your shoe? (Sponge looks down)

SpongeBob: I don’t know.

Patrick: It kind of looks like...(a liquidy puddle of green goo is on the floor)

SpongeBob & Patrick: Squidward! (both are screaming as Squidward is powdering his nose)

SpongeBob: No, no, that part goes here.

Patrick: Yeah-yeah, that’s it, uh-huh.

SpongeBob: We’re almost there. We can do this.

Patrick: It’s working, it’s working...

SpongeBob: This is working. (sculpture melts again) Patrick, this isn’t working!

Patrick: Look! (eyes turn over)

SpongeBob: I don’t know how to say it, but our old pal Squidward, he’s...he’s...he’s pushing up daisies!

Patrick: Oh, I thought he was dead. (SpongeBob & Patrick cling to each other and get scared)

Squidward: Well, are you two going to say something or do I...

SpongeBob: No! Stay back!

Squidward: What is the matter with you two?

Patrick: Don’t, don’t hurt us!

SpongeBob: It was an accident!

Squidward: What are you two talking about? (he notices the goo on the floor and screams) Look what you’ve done to me! When I get my hands on you, I’ll...

SpongeBob: Please, Mr. Squidward’s ghost! (SpongeBob & Patrick are bowing before Squidward)> Spare us your ghostly anger! (Patrick is kissing Squidward's feet)

Patrick: Oh yes, Mr. Squidward’s ghost! Please don’t haunt us!

SpongeBob: We’ll do anything you want! Just have mercy on us!

Squidward: Enough! Listen up. Squidward’s ghost is feeling unusually generous today. He hath decided to spare ye a horrible fate. (Hisses) All ye must do is tend to my every whim and tickle my fancy on demand.

SpongeBob: Does that include...

Squidward: Quiet! Now do as you’re told lest ye incur the wrath of Squidward! (Squidward walks off)

Patrick: (whispers to SpongeBob) I think they make a cream for that now. (SpongeBob and Patrick carry out Squidward on his bed)

SpongeBob: Here?

Squidward: Too hot. (walk a little more then stops)

SpongeBob: Here?

Squidward: No, too wet. Keep going. Keep going. (walks a little more then stops)

SpongeBob: Here?

Squidward: Too loose, Lautrec. (rim shot)

SpongeBob: Too tired... (both stop where they are)

Squidward: Perfect. Hmmm, I feel needy. (claps his hands) Slaves, fetch me some nourishment.

SpongeBob: Only the freshest, o spooky one. (both run off. SpongeBob comes back with grapes) A grape fresh from the vine, your ghostliness. (Squidward eats it while SpongeBob goes and gets a banana) A banana peeled to your likeness, your incorporialness. (squeezes it into Squidward's mouth. Patrick comes back with a watermelon and drops it into Squidward's mouth)

Patrick: One watermelon fresh from the manure field, your spookiness. (Squidward falls down and stands up with a watermelon head)

SpongeBob: Art thou not pleased? (Squidward spits out the watermelon)

Squidward: Enough of that! I want something else to eat now. Something that’s very difficult to find.

PatrickWhat do you hunger for, master?

SpongeBob: Whatever you want, we’ll find it. We’ll find it.

Squidward: Cherry pie. (Patrick holds up a cherry pie) Where’d you get that?

Patrick: I found it. (Squidward takes it and throws it somewhere)

Squidward: Well go find it again! (Patrick goes searching for it) SpongeBob, get over here. Now spin around. (SpongeBob turns around) That’s better. Now jog in place. (SpongeBob jogs in place) Now say flank stank. (SpongeBob says it) I think I’m beginning to like this. Stop. (SpongeBob stops) Now, play me an elaborate song with this! (gives SpongeBob a tissue)

SpongeBob: But this is just a piece of tissue paper.

Squidward: Oh, my. Always having to have it our way, don’t we? Oh, boo-hoo. (SpongeBob tries to get the tissue as music)

SpongeBob: I can’t do it! (Squidward stands up)

Squidward: Well, I hope you don’t have any plans tonight, because you’re not allowed to leave that spot until I hear a song. (walks away. Day turns into night and into day again and SpongeBob is lying on the ground with the tissue on his nose) What’s this? Napping on the job? You’re supposed to be making music for me. As punishment for this insolence, Squidward’s ghost commandeth you to clean out his back room.

Patrick: (comes back with the pie) I found it. (Squidward takes it)

Squidward: I’ll take that! (throws pie in Patrick's face then walks away)

Patrick: Yes, your ghostliness. This is fun. (SpongeBob is sen walking down a dark hallway)

SpongeBob: Patrick, are you ready for this?

Patrick: Yes. (SpongeBob walks a couple steps forward)

SpongeBob: Ok, let’s go. Patrick, are you coming? (Patrick is facing the wrong way)

Patrick: Yes.

SpongeBob: Patrick, it’s this way.

Patrick: Where?

SpongeBob: Here.

Patrick: (turns around) Oh, coming! (both enter a room in the back with a bunch of junk in it) How are we going to clean up all this mess?

SpongeBob: It’s easy. Just tear this wallpaper off! (tears the wall)

Patrick: Oh look, you missed some. (SpongeBob picks up a book)

SpongeBob: Oh, let’s see. It’s a comic book, and look at this. It’s the origin on the Flying Dutchman. (shows picture in book) It says when he died they used his body as a window display. Now he haunts the seven seas because he was never put to rest. Well, don’t you get it, Patrick?

Patrick: We’re going to go shopping?

SpongeBob: No! We’re gonna put poor old Squidward to rest. (Squidward is laying on the couch when something hits him)

Squidward: Ow, what the heck was that?

SpongeBob: Initiation! That was part one of your ceremony.

Squidward: Ceremony for what?

SpongeBob: We’re going to put you to rest.

Squidward: I don’t want to be put to rest! All I want are those chores done! Now, did you clean the back room yet?

SpongeBob: Yeah.

Squidward: Oh, really? I’m going to go check. (walks off. Opens door and screams because he sees Patrick & SpongeBob with a coffin)

SpongeBob: Ok, get in.

Squidward: Are you crazy? I’m not getting in that thing.

SpongeBob: But you said we could put you to rest.

Squidward: I didn’t say anything like that! Now, get out of my house!

SpongeBob: Ok. (SpongeBob & Patrick walk outside)

Squidward: Now what? (Squidward sees SpongeBob writing on a tombstone)

SpongeBob: I wrote 'Here lies Squidward. You may not remember him, but...' (Squidward screams) Oh, hi Squidward. Does this look deep enough?

Squidward: SpongeBob! Cut that out!

SpongeBob: Oh, look, the mourners have arrived. (a bus with a load of people are in front of Squidward's house)

Mr. Krabs: Oh, Squidward, we all came as soon as we were sure you were dead.

Squidward: SpongeBob, are you trying to put me in the nuthouse?

SpongeBob: No, just into this hole. (Squidward sighs)

Squidward: SpongeBob, I have a confession to make. (Squidward takes off the towel off his head)

SpongeBob: You’re bald?

Squidward: No, I’m not bald! I’m alive! Now get rid of that tombstone and tell all your friends to go home.

SpongeBob: But...

Squidward: Do it!

SpongeBob: (talking to everyone) Go home. But I...Master...

Squidward: I’m not your master. I’m your neighbor. Now do me a favor and stop doing me favors! (walks off)

SpongeBob: As you wish, master.

Patrick: Boy, he really had us fooled.

SpongeBob: No, Patrick, he’s the fool. He’s a ghost in denial. He needs us now more than ever.

Patrick: You’re right. He really needs to get up to the great beyond.

SpongeBob: Patrick, say that again.

Patrick: That again.

SpongeBob: No, the other thing.

Patrick: No, the other thing.

SpongeBob: No, what you said before when you...

Patrick: No, what you said before when you...

SpongeBob: Never mind. I’ve got an idea.

Patrick: Never mind. I’ve got an idea. (later, Squidward is on his chair outside when SpongeBob is trying to blow a bubble big enough to get Squidward)

SpongeBob: I can’t reach him!

Patrick: Blow harder! (SpongeBob blows a big bubble to consume Squidward) There he goes!

SpongeBob: Isn’t he beautiful?

Patrick: How high’s he going to go? (Squidward sees he's floating)

SpongeBob: All the way, Patrick, up to the great beyond. (both of them wave to Squidward) Good-bye, friend.

Patrick: Happy trails! (Squidward tries to yell from the bubble)

SpongeBob & Patrick: You’re welcome! (floats up in the bubble)

SpongeBob: He’s on the other side now.

Patrick: Yeah. (Squidward is above sea in a bubble with seagulls flying around him) He’s in a better place.

Squidward: Huh?