Tangled Web

Jack: You know this is a Showdown, right Kimiko?

Kimiko: You know those boots make you look like a dweeb, right Jack?

Jack: So not the case. These Shen Gong Wu, the Jetbootsu, allow me to defy gravity. Might as well say bye-bye to the Monkey Staff, 'cause that one's as good as mine too.

Kimiko: You wish! Fist of Tebigong!

[RUMBLING]

Jack: Oh, like that's gonna work. I can defy gravity, remember?

Kimiko: Whoa!Oh!

Jack: Classic miscalculation. Your hot little head has ensured your defeat.

Kimiko: [SCREAMS] Aw, man!

Jack: Check it and weep, baby!

Jack:The Fist of Tebigong is mine! The Jetbootsu are mine! Hey, what's this? The Monkey Staff is mine too. I have the agility and the balance of a monkey. Hey, and a really cool tail.

[ ]

Dojo: Brrrrr. This water's cold. I'm telling' ya. I don't know how my cousin Nessie stands living here. 'Course, if you ask me, she likes all the attention. "Hey Look, it's the Loch Ness Monster."

Irish Man: Hey look, it's the Lock Ness Monster!

Dojo: See.

Omi: Oh, Kimiko, please, do not feel sad.

Kimiko: Don't! And I don't need your pity either.

Omi: I was merely going to point out that you could not not expect to do better, as you are a girl.

Kimiko: Pardon me?

Omi: Since we met, I have been studying all about girls from this eleventh century tome.

Kimiko: The Ancient Guide to Females.

Omi: Yes. It tells us that your talents lie elsewhere. In the kitchen, for example.

Clay: Don't be so hard on Kimiko. She was just trying' to do her level best. Which was pretty good considering'.

Kimiko: Considering what?!

Clay: Considerin' you're such a hot-head.

Omi: I believe her failure is due to her lack of upper-body strength.

Kimiko: I'll show you upper body strength!

Raimundo: Look out, she might use her slip-and-fall move on you.

All: Whoa!

Dojo: Shen Gong Wu alert!

Raimundo: What do we got?

Omi: Ah, the Tangle Web Comb.

Kimiko: Cool! What does it do?

Raimundo: Oh, man, that's hairy.

Clay: Well let's quit dilly dallyin' and go get it.

Dojo: No where to go. It's here, baby.

Omi: Here?

Kimiko: As in right here?

Dojo: That's what "here" traditionally means. Right here!

Kimiko: This one's all mine.

Raimundo: Kim's right. It should definitely be hers. She has to replace the one she just lost.

Kimiko: [GROWLS]

Raimundo: Sorry, I mean the two she just lost.

Omi: Do girls know how to swim?

Kimiko: Got it.

[ ]

Raimundo: It's a. . . comb. Cute.

Clay: I think it's great you found a comb, Kimiko.

Omi: Oh, yes. Accessorizing is within your talents as a female.

Kimiko: Ugh. Stand back and prepare to be impressed. Tangle Web Comb! Oh yeah, I am so- in trouble! Ah! Hey!

Clay: Um. I don't think she's usin' it right.

Raimundo: You guys wanna go look through Kimiko's stuff?

Omi: Oh I have never looked through a girl's stuff before. This shall be enlightening.

Kimiko: Hey! Touch my stuff and I'll- [GRUNTING]

Master Fung: Kimiko, are you in need of assistance?

Kimiko: No. I just need to practice.

Master Fung: Yes, the Tangle Web Comb is a difficult Shen Gong Wu to master. It requires absolute focus.

Kimiko: I am so all about absolute focus. And I never met an accessory I couldn't handle!

Master Fung: Mhm. I see.

Kimiko: Whoa! Uh, Thanks. But there's something wrong with that stupid comb. I was totally focused.

Master Fung: Is that so? Then please demonstrate your tremendous focus.

Kimiko: How?

[ ]

Master Fung: Pour some tea.

Kimiko: Is this a joke?

Master Fung: It requires absolute focus to successfully pour tea from that pot into those cups without spilling a single drop.

Kimiko:All right, but this is a serious waste of time. [GRUNTS] See? Totally focused.

Omi: Yuck! This candy is most unpleasant.

Raimundo: That's 'cause it's lipstick. Oops, I think I deleted something.

Kimiko: That's my lipstick, and my PDA!

Master Fung: Keep pouring, Kimiko.

Raimundo: Look guys, Kimiko's serving up tea.

Omi: Ah, the traditional female role.

Clay: Tea sure would hit the spot right about now.

Raimundo: Are you making cookies? We could use cookies or something.

Kimiko: [GROWLS]

Omi: Oh yes, something tastier than this.

Kimiko: Master Fung!

Master Fung: Keep pouring.

Kimiko: But-

Master Fung: You must drown out all distractions, quiet the storm of your mind. Only then will you achieve absolute focus.

Kimiko: [GRUNTING] Oops. The next one will be perfect.

Omi: I am very surprised that Kimiko can lift such a heavy pot with her delicate female arms.

Kimiko: What?! Ah! [GASPS]

[SHATTERING]

Kimiko: [MOANS]

Raimundo: Want to bet chores on when Kimiko will find her focus? This century or next?

[ ]

Jack: I'm loving this! I have a tail.

[SWISHING]

Jack:See? I'm happy. Look at me, I'm a monkey in a tree!

Wuya: We have world domination to plan.

Jack: What's the point of world domination if you can't have a little fun?

[LAUGHTER]

Jack: Keep it down up there! I hate when my parents have parties.

Wuya: Drop the Monkey Staff! The longer you hold it, the more monkey-like you will become.

Jack: I don't see it.

Alarm: Intruder alert! Intruder alert! Intruder alert!

Ashley Excuse me. [LAUGHS] Sorry, I didn't know anybody was down here.

Jack: What do you want?

Ashley: Ugh, trying to get away from the party. Boring.

Jack: Standard for my folks' parties. Stop fest a go-go

Ashley: So, are you Jack? The kid they're all talkin' about upstairs?

Jack: They're talking about me? What are they saying? Are they calling me a genius?

Ashley:More like weirdo

Jack: Weirdo? What's so weird about me? [MONKEY NOISES]

Jack: Oh, my monkey strength. Hey! Stop touching!

Ashley:You know, this screams evil lair of a super villain intent on taking over the world.

Jack: Really?

Ashley: Yeah, I like.

Wuya: Indeed? What an intriguing young woman.

Jack: [MONKEY SHRIEK] Out!

Ashley: All right, all right. You don't have to shriek. Monkey-faced freak.

Jack: Yeah, a monkey-faced freak who takes care of business.

Wuya: If only you could deal with the Xiaolin warriors as effectively we wouldn't-

Jack: [MONKEY SCREECH]

Wuya: I am sensing a new Shen Gong Wu. The Golden Tiger Claws.

Jack: Golden Tiger Claws? Golden Tiger Claws? What're the Golden Tiger Claws?

Wuya: Tiger claws made of gold.

Jack: And? And? Spill it woman!

Wuya: Whoever wields them can transport themselves to any location they choose. We must retrieve them. With the Tiger Claws in our arsenal, we shall be invincible!

Jack: Think I can get a tire swing installed in here?

[ ]

Omi: The Golden Tiger Claws are inside that palace?

Dojo: Tht's what this rash is telling me. Wonder if there's an ointment for this.

Raimundo: How do we get in there?

Clay: Maybe if we knock on the door and ask real nice like?

Dojo: That's the emperor's palace, they don't just let anybody in there, we need connections.

Kimiko: Oh, no worries. I'll call my dad.

Dojo: Uh-huh.

Kimiko: Moshi-moshi papa, Kimiko, yeah. I need a few invites to the emperor's palace. No way. Not going to happen, no. Not in this lifetime. Really? Do I have to? All right, all right.

Raimundo: Well?

Kimiko: We're in, but there's a catch.

[ ]

Raimundo: [LAUGHS]

Kimiko: Shut it.

Omi: I think Kimiko's clothing is most appropriate. She at last resembles a girl.

Clay: Where're your formal duds, Omi?

Omi: These are my formal robes, Clay. The thread count is slightly higher. Notice the exquisite sheen.

Kimiko: Let's find these Tiger Claws and bail.

Raimundo: Are you planning on walking three steps behind us?

Kimiko: No, I plan on leaving you in my dust.

Raimundo: Be careful or you might…

Kimiko: Whoa!

Raimundo: …fall. Need a hand?

Kimiko: What I need is for you to get out of my way. Stupid kimono. Focus. You can do this. Focus.

Raimundo: Kim's looking wobbly. Anybody want to double our bet? Two weeks of chores?

Kimiko: Focus.

[ ]

Kimiko: Any sign of the claws?

Omi: These are lion claws, very similar.

Raimundo: But no dice.

Omi: Oh, dice. Are we looking for dice too?

Raimundo: [EXASPERATED SIGH]

Clay: Nothin' here but dust bunnies.

Dojo: [SNIFFS] I know it's down here somewhere. But more down than here.

Kimiko: Look, there's a door.

[MOANING]

Omi: A staircase into the darkness, how very-

Clay: Creepy?

Omi: Yes.

Raimundo: After you, Kimiko, unless you're scared.

Omi: Oh, yes, females are easily frightened.

Kimiko: You're lucky you're cute, Omi.

[ ]

Kimiko: Can anyone see anything?

[MOANING]

Kimiko: What's that moaning?

Wuya: Quit your incessant moaning and get the Tiger Claws you fool.

Jack: Can't help it. I'm banana-nausiated.

Kimiko: It's Jack! And he's headed towards [GASPS] the Tiger Claws!

Jack: I so don't need this right now. Jack-Bots, get rid of them! Now. And get me some ginger ale.

Jack-Bot: Yes, sir.

Jack: [BURPS] Thanks. You can crush them now.

Omi: Water! Ah-cha!

Clay: Earth! Thanks for droppin' by, or just droppin'

Raimundo: Wind!

Wuya: Why do you built these stupid machines? They are useless!

Jack: Mom said I needed a hobby. [BURPS] That's better. Now for the Claws! [SHRIEKS]

Kimiko: Not so fast, Jack! Fire! Ha!

Jack: Sweet. Kimiko, I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown.

Kimiko: Name your game, Jack.

Jack: A race across the bridges. First one over wins. What do you say Kimiko?

Kimiko: I say let's go. Xiaolin Showdown.

[ RUMBLING]

Both: Gong yi tan pai!

Jack: [SHRIEKS]

Kimiko: [GROWLS] Might be better if I was wearing high-tops.

Dojo: Get in the game girl!

Raimundo: Anyone want to double our little wager again? Omi? Clay?

Both: Okay.

Jack: [SHRIEKING] Whoo hoo hoo. This is too easy.

[RUMBLING]

Jack: Woah. Oh. Ah.

Kimiko: [SCREAMS]

Jack: That's a good look for you. [LAUGHS]

Kimiko: Stupid showdown.

Jack: [SHRIEKING] Hey, what's keeping you?

Kimiko: [GROWLING] [PANTING]

Jack: It helps if you don't fall on your butt. [LAUGHS] [HOWLS]

Kimiko: Tangle Web Comb!

Jack: [SHRIEKING]

Kimiko: Yes!

[SHRIEKING]

Kimiko: Uh-oh!

Jack: [LAUGHING]

Kimiko: No! Let me go you stupid- [MUMBLING]

Jack: [LAUGHING] [SHRIEKING]

Kimiko: [MUFFLED SCREAMING]

Master Fung: You must drown out all distractions. Calm the storm of your mind. Only then will you achieve absolute focus.

Jack: The Tiger Claws are mine! [SHRIEKS] Hey! [SCREMS]

Kimiko: It worked!

Jack: Big deal, you got the Monkey Staff.

Omi: She has achieved absolute focus.

Jack: Too bad I'm only one small step- Whoa! No!

Kimiko: [LAUGHS] Whoo hoo!

Jack: [YELLING]

Raimundo: Told you she would.

Clay: Looks like you win the bet partner.

Raimundo: I never doubted her for a second.

Omi: We shall do all your chores for the next week.

Raimundo: For the next four weeks. We doubled. Twice, remember?

Omi: Actually, I was hoping you would forget.

Kimiko: How you like me now?

Raimundo: Good job.

Clay: You whooped old Jack butt good.

Omi: Kimiko, you have taught me much about the strength of women. I now completely understand the modern female.

Kimiko: Let's just say you've made a step in the right direction. Which is good. I'm hoping to get a little more respect around here.

Raimundo: You got it monkey butt. [LAUGHS]

Clay: [LAUGHING]

Kimiko: [GASPS]

Omi: Girls have tails?

[ ]

Wuya: I cannot believe your incompetence. You lost yet another Xiaolin Showdown.

Jack: Couldn't help it. I had bananas and tire swings on my mind.

Wuya: More importantly, you underestimated your opponent. There must be other competent humans in this realm I could work with.

Ashley: I'm your girl.

Jack: Crush her!

Ashley: [CAT NOISES] Call me, Katnappe. Meow. Purr.

Jack: Evil diva!

Wuya: Hmmm she is evil. My dear girl, have you ever heard of the Shen Gong Wu?