I Don't

(opening theme song)

(outside the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria and Jane are walking up to the front door)

Daria - I don't think you've thought this through. What do you do with the hostages one you get to the airport?

Jane - They're coming with me. We're talking party plane. All the way to Libya.

(Daria opens the door and hears Helen on the phone)

Helen (VO) - Rita, that's so wonderful. I'm so happy for you! You and Erin both.

Daria - Ah, you'd better take a hike.

Jane - Why?

Daria - My mom's talking to my Aunt Rita. This isn't going to be pretty.

Jane - Gotcha. Later, huh? (leaves)

Daria - That remains to be seen. (enters the house)

(Daria walks into the kitchen and sees Jake sitting at the table, newspaper in hand, and Helen talking to Rita on the phone; Helen is making nonsense scribbles on a notepad as she's talking)

Helen - (on phone) I can't believe it. Little Erin getting married. She's not rushing into this, I hope. Oh, no, no, of course not. Twenty-one is... I'm not implying anything, for goodness sake, Rita. I'm just... this is so exciting! Where? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That sounds lovely. I presume Mom's footing the bill? No, no...

Jake - (to Daria) Your cousin Erin is getting married.

Daria - So I gathered.

Jake - You know there'll be hell to pay.

Helen - (hangs up and sits down) Well, I guess you all heard the wonderful news. Little Erin is getting married. (low voice) At the Windsor Hills Resort in Leeville.

Jake - Whoa-ho! That'll set Rita back a pretty penny.

Helen - Not Rita. Mother. Nothing but the best for her favorite daughter's darling offspring.

Jake - Windsor Hills. They've got that legendary thirteenth hole!

Helen - Forget it, Jake. No golf. Wedding.

(Quinn walks into the kitchen)

Daria - I'm almost sorry I'm going to miss this.

Helen - On the contrary, sweetie: you and Quinn are going to be bridesmaids. (low voice) I made sure of that.

Daria - (eyes wide with shock) Bridesmaids?

Quinn - (eyes wide with excitement) Can I dye my hair if the dress doesn't match?

(in downtown Lawndale)

(Daria and Jane are walking down the street, headed for the bridal shop)

Daria - What a hideous twist of fate. Me, a bridesmaid.

Jane - Aw, it won't be that bad, I mean, sure, you'll have to wear some frilly peach-color dress that makes you look like a circus freak, and you'll be pinched on the cheeks by old uncles who still think you're six years old, and...

Daria - Here we are.

(inside the bridal shop)

(they approach an elderly saleslady)

Saleslady - I'm sorry, we only do weddings, not funerals.

Daria - Believe me, I'd prefer a funeral.

Saleslady - You don't have to get married if you don't want to... or do you?

Daria - I'm a bridesmaid in the Chambers-Danielson wedding.

Saleslady - Umm-hmm. (looks up info on computer) Here it is. Pity. They're such lovely dresses.

(in the fitting room)

(saleslady is fitting Daria for the dress, but either she's not doing a very good job, or Daria doesn't quite have the build for the dress)

Saleslady - Nature didn't see fit to give you much in the way of hips, did she, dearie?

Daria - I think I'm going to be ill. Is that a problem for you?

Saleslady - Turn around, please.

Jane - (fake Southern accent) Oh, Scarlet, you grow lovelier by the day! (bats eyelashes)

Daria - I will kill you, and bury your body in this dress.

(Brittany and Jodie walk in)

Brittany - Daria?

Daria and Brittany - What are you doing here?

Jane - Isn't is obvious? An Arab sheik's in town to buy a few more wives.

Brittany - They're putting on a bridal expo in the gym. We're modeling!

Daria - A bridal expo? That's a good message to send to high school students.

Jodie - It's a fundraiser for extracurricular activities.

Jane - I wonder what kind of extracurricular activities would lead to a wedding...

Brittany - What about you? Are you in a play or something?

Daria - Yes. I'm playing Mrs. Lincoln, after she went crazy.

Brittany - I didn't know she went crazy.

Jane - Oh, yeah. That's why Lincoln shot himself.

Brittany - Wow...!

Jodie - Come on, Brittany. Let's finish out fitting, and I'll tell you all about how nice Mr. Lincoln really died.

Brittany - You mean the bullet didn't kill him?

(Jodie drags Brittany away)

(saleslady accidentally sticks Daria with a pin)

Daria - Ouch!

Saleslady - Hold still. I'm having a hard enough time with your body as it is.

Daria - Well, I think my humiliation is complete now.

(Quinn walks in wearing a perfectly fitted dress)

Quinn - It does match my hair!

Daria - I spoke too soon.

(on the road, in Jake's car; it's the day of the wedding)

Jake - I don't know why you didn't let me bring my golf clubs.

Helen - Jake, we're here to see my family, not to have fun.

Jake - Who's escorting your sister to this, anyway?

Helen - Well, she dumped the sculptor, the skydiving instructor had that horrible accident, and I believe that Bruno is in some federal facility. So I don't know...

Jake - That Rita sure knows how to pick 'em.

(Jake turns into the driveway to Windsor Hills; the resort looks just as high-class and expensive as Helen and Jake made it out to be)

Quinn - Wow!

Daria - (crooks finger) Redrum! Redrum!

Jake - This will cost your mother a fortune!

Helen - Well, what else should she spend her money on? Something boring, like college funds for her other granddaughters?

Jake - (chuckles, then sobers) Hey...

Helen - I just keep telling myself that Erin hasn't had the advantages our girls have.

Quinn (to Daria) - Advantages?

Daria - You got me.

(at the bridal expo)

(Mack and Kevin walk among the vendor booths set up in the gymnasium)

Mack - You know, if the girls see us, we're going to die. They said we'd make them feel self-conscious.

Kevin - Are you kidding? They want us to come, bro. That's why they told us not to.

Mack - Huh?

Kevin - They knew that if they invited us to a bridal expo, there's no way we'd go near the place.

Mack - Then why are we here?

Kevin - Forbidden fruit, man. Forbidden fruit.

Mack - When you hear yourself talk, does it make sense to you?

Kevin - Sometimes.

(they pass in front of a jewelry stand)

Man - Hey, fellas. Just want you to know, we welcome same-sex partners. What you do with the ring is your business.

(Mack and Kevin look at each other, shocked)

(at Windsor Hills)

(Jake is handing his car over to the valet attendant)

Jake - This is an expensive vehicle. Be careful with it.

Attendant - Yeah, right. (drives off)

(Rita walks outside with her current boyfriend)

Rita - Helen!

Helen - Rita! (hugs Rita)

Rita - How are you, Jake?

Jake - Well, I'm not that...

Rita - Oh, the girls look lovely. But Daria, why didn't you get the same dress as the other bridesmaids?

Daria - I did.

Helen - I'm sorry about the rehearsal dinner, Rita. I had meetings all yesterday afternoon, and by the time we got on the road...

Rita - Everyone, this is Paul, my beau.

Paul - Hello.

Jake - Paul Meyerson?

Paul - Jake? Jake and I were in Boy Scouts together. You bring your clubs?

(Jake grumbles)

Daria - Dad, what was that you said about knowing how to pick 'em?

Jake - Oh, Daria...

(a sports car comes flying up the driveway)

Quinn - Wow, who's that?

Daria - Aunt Amy?

(Amy gets out of car and hands keys to valet attendant)

Amy - I don't mind a few dents, but change the radio station and you're a dead man.

Rita - Amy, how delightful. I thought you weren't coming.

Amy - I wasn't, but I thought if you two could put aside years of bitterness and resentment, then so can I... for a day.

Helen - Oh, Amy, why do you say such ridiculous things?

Amy - Out loud? (passes between Helen and Rita) So, Jake. You're still with Helen, huh? Shows remarkable fortitude. And Roger. How's the skydiving going?

Helen - Amy, Roger passed away. This is Paul.

Amy - Oh, sorry. Paul, how do you do?

Paul - Who's Roger?

Quinn - He fell onto a cow.

Paul - Ick!

Daria - And he was one of the lucky ones.

Helen - Girls.

Amy - Hey, what's the point of a senseless tragedy if you can't find a little humor in it? I like the way you think, Daria.

Rita - Now, Amy, I don't know where we're going to seat you... (leads Amy into building)

Helen - I need a drink.

(Jake laughs)

Helen - Why are you laughing?

(his laughter dies as he follows Helen inside)

Quinn - Wow, Aunt Amy's really weird.

Daria - Yeah.

(dark clouds roll in, thunder rumbles)

(at the wedding)

(the wedding party is gathered under a tent outside; the skies are still threatening rain)

(three of the bridesmaids are huddled together and talking, while a young man with a very bored expression is leaning on one of the tent poles)

Bridesmaid #1 - Oh, it can't rain on Brian and Erin's wedding. It just can't!

Bridesmaid #2 - That would be so awful. I couldn't stand it!

Luhrman - On the contrary. Rain is an ancient symbol of fertility. Every couple should be so lucky.

(Daria and Quinn approach the gathered bridesmaids)

Bridesmaid #3 - Oh, don't you see? A little rain won't spoil the happiest day of Brian and Erin's life.

Daria - We are now entering hell. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car.

Bridesmaid #3 - You must be Erin's cousin.

Quinn - I am. But Daria's, um, her cousin... (trails off when she realizes that the lie is the truth, for once)

Bridesmaid #3 - What?

Daria - Actually, I'm in the witness protection program. The Morgendorffers were kind enough to take me in after my real family was exterminated by the mob.

Bridesmaid #3 - Oh. Well, how come you didn't get the same dress as the rest of us?

Daria - I did.

Bridesmaid #3 - Anyway, it's too bad you guys missed the rehearsal dinner. It was so fun. Let me introduce you to your escorts. (leads them over to a handsome young man) Daria, Quinn, this is Garrett. Garrett will be with Quinn.

Daria - Of course. (walks away with bridesmaid)

Garret - Quinn, you're just about the loveliest thing I ever saw.

Quinn - Thanks. Do you think you could get me some soda with just an eentsy-weentsy slice of lemon, please?

Bridesmaid #3 - Daria, this is your escort, Luhrman. (leaves)

Daria - Of course.

Luhrman - How do you do, Da-rye-a.

Daria - It's Daria, actually.

Luhrman - Sorry.

Daria - So, Luhrman. Is that your first name or your last name?

Luhrman - Does it matter?

Garret - Well, they seem to be hitting it off.

Quinn - Oh, yeah.

(at school, in the auditorium)

(the bridal show is in full swing, with Upchuck as the emcee; the next person to walk onstage is Sandi)

Upchuck - She's rough, she's tough, she's lovely. Our Sandi is in a silk and rawhide outfit by Harve's of Beverly Hills, proving that the happiest day of your life doesn't have to be dull. Stick 'em up, hombres. Va va va voom!

(Sandi exits the stage; Brittany enters)

Upchuck - Here's lovely Brittany in a sleeky and satiny number from Laburb that says, this may be my wedding day but, dammit, I wanna dance!

(Mack and Kevin are in the stands; Kevin, holding a soda cup, is fast asleep)

Mack - Wake up! It's Brittany!

Kevin - What? Huh? (spills soda on his pants) Oh, man! (stands up)

Mack - I think you're blowing our cover.

Brittany - Kevin, what are you doing here?

Kevin - Surprise, babe!

Brittany - Ooooh! (walks off the stage)

(at the wedding)

(Erin and Brian are taking their vows in front of the minister, flanked by the bridesmaids and groomsmen; Daria, bored to tears, is reduced to looking back at the crowd)

Minister - And as we share the joy of this lovely young couple, Brian and Erin, we are compelled to ask, what is love? Yes, love, like a tiny rivulet which begins in a high mountain, and only after twisting and turning for thousands of miles, overcoming uncountable obstacles, must eventually meet, and merge, with that great ocean of love which is its birthright and its destiny.

(Amy sticks out her tongue, causing Daria to chuckle, which causes all of the bridesmaids -- except Quinn, who's spacing out with joy over the whole ceremony -- to glare at her)

Daria - (points to Quinn) It was her.

(at the bridal expo)

(Kevin and Brittany, who's still in her bridal gown, walk through the gymnasium)

Kevin - Babe, I said I was sorry.

Brittany - What if there had been someone there from a major talent agency? What then?

Kevin - Well, I guess they would've seen that you're talented.

Brittany - Oh, that's what you guess, is it? More like they would guess I'm dating the king of the jerks, and they'd be right!

(they suddenly stop at a booth decked out with a truly massive amount of flowers)

Brittany - Wow! Look at all these flowers. Are these for sale or just display?

(at the wedding)

(the reception is in full swing; Jake and Paul have cozied up to the bar)

Paul - So they said to me, "Why don't we just make you VP and have you take over the whole damn operation?" And here I was, 29 years old.

Jake - Yeah, you mentioned. So, how'd you meet Rita?

Paul - Well, you know, we both love the sea. I have a sailboat.

Jake - And she's a little dingy! I'm kidding, of course.

Paul - Well, let's face it. Rita's a little flighty, of course, but she's a tiger in the bedroom.

(Jake looks over at Helen, who's imploring the waiter to pour more wine into her glass)

Jake - Yeah, well, I guess it runs in the family.

(at the head table, Daria and Luhrman are sitting with the bridesmaids)

(Luhrman mumbles something)

Daria - Mmm-hmm. What did you say?

Luhrman - Just a little pointless chit chat. Forget it. Would you like another soda?

Daria - No, uh...

Luhrman - Or shall we just split a bottle of drain cleaner? (Daria stares at him) Please be assured that my remark was intended in jest, and not as an incitement to any type of self-destructive behavior.

Daria - You're not from around here, are you?

(Erin and Brian approach the table)

Erin - Daria, there you are! I can't believe I didn't get to see you before the wedding!

Daria - (flatly) It was a lovely ceremony.

Erin - Oh, but you haven't met Brian. Isn't he marvelous? He works for the government. (whispers) Intelligence.

Brian - Erin!

Erin - I know, I know, I'm not supposed to say anything, but isn't it exciting?

Brian - If our national security is compromised, you can bet there's a woman at the bottom of it.

Erin - Oh, you.

Daria - (rolls eyes) Oh, God.

Brian - Hey, Daria, how come you're not wearing the same dress as everybody else?

Daria - I am. I think I'll go to the...

Brian - The little girl's room?

Daria - Yeah, the little girl's room. I'm going to powder my nose and check the seams on my nylons. (leaves)

Luhrman - I'm sorry, what did you say you do? I thought I heard intelligence, but that can't be right.

(near the restrooms, the minister is hitting on Quinn)

Minister - A wild, rolling, surging ocean of love, on which we, as mere individuals, have no control. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Daria - Hi, Quinn. Hi, Father.

Minister - Actually, I'm a minister, not a priest.

Daria - The important thing is, you're the voice of morality in the community.

(in the bathroom)

(Daria walks in and finds Amy already at the mirror)

Amy - I hate myself in a formal dress, and everyone else, too. You don't look too thrilled about things, either.

Daria - Oh, no. I'm overjoyed to be at this big family event. Day to day life isn't humiliating enough.

Amy - Let's see, you're in college now, or something.

Daria - Still high school, unfortunately.

Amy - I have some vague memories of high school, but these days, you all carry weapons, right?

Daria - Well, not to formal occasions like this.

Amy - That's where you kids make your mistake.

(at the wedding reception)

(the creepy minister is still hitting on Quinn)

Minister - Love thy neighbors, love thy brother, love thy parents. Every time you turn a page, love, love, love.

Quinn - Wow.

(in the bathroom)

Amy - Hmm. I thought when I hit thirty I would stop feeling out of place at these things.

Daria - You feel out of place?

Amy - You didn't notice my sisters are so busy competing with each other that I don't even register on their radar?

Daria - Yeah, but I just figured you were above all that. I mean, you're kind of...

Amy - Cool?

Daria - Um...

Amy - I know, you can't say that to me. Law of the teenagers.

Daria - Thank you for respecting it.

Amy - When I was a kid, with Helen and Rita going at it all the time, all they left for me to do was to supply the color commentary. Then, one day, I found myself all grown up with my own point of view, and feeling no particular obligation to listen to anyone else's B.S. Ever.

Daria - So it actually worked out pretty well.

Amy - Unless I have to see my sisters at a wedding, yeah. Sarcasm. It's a great way to deal. (puts on round glasses similar to Daria's) But, you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

Daria - (smirks) Nah.

(at the bridal expo)

(Mack and Jodie are walking through the gymnasium)

Mack - Hey, what's the matter?

Jodie - This whole thing is starting to get to me. I mean, Daria had a point. Why should high school kids be thinking about marriage? If I see one more sweet, dopey girl stuck with a lame-brain idiot...

(as if on cue...)

Kevin and Brittany - Hi!

(at the wedding reception)

(Daria is back at the head table, only now she's feeding the gullible bridesmaids a lot of tall tales about her life)

Bridesmaid #3 - Not even the pep squad?

Daria - Not even the pep squad. I'll be honest with you, Daphne: I just can't find the time.

Bridesmaid #1 - How come?

Daria - Well, first of all, there's my work.

Bridesmaid #2 - What do you do?

Daria - I'm an exotic dancer. You know, at a club. I take my clothes off and dance for strange men.

Bridesmaid #3 - Really? Wow.

Luhrman - She's really very good.

Bridesmaid #1 - You've seen her?

(Daria turns and looks at Luhrman, surprised and pleased that he's playing along)

Garret - I'd better go check on Quinn. I can't imagine what could be keeping her. (leaves)

(at another table)

Rita - Oh, it was a lovely ceremony, though, wasn't it?

Jake - It really was, Rita.

Rita - I'm just so sorry Mom couldn't be here.

Helen - Don't worry, she'll get to live it all vicariously when the bills arrive. Jake, how about getting me another glass of wine?

Jake - Gee honey, maybe you shouldn't...

Helen - Jake, I'd really like a glass of wine, now.

Jake - Right. (leaves)

Rita - Helen, you're not bitter about this.

Helen - Rita, please. Why would I be bitter? You and Erin deserve the best. You always have.

Rita - Oh, so I should be punished forever because I made a few bad decisions?

Amy - Hi. What are you two arguing about now?

Helen - Arguing? We're not arguing.

Amy - Still mad because Dad gave Rita that MG and all you got was a Plymouth Valiant?

Rita - My goodness, Amy, the things you remember.

Helen - It was a Dodge Dart.

(at the restrooms, the creepy minister is still up to his tricks)

Minister - I guess what I'm trying to say, Quinn, is, I may be a man of the cloth, but I'm also a man.

Garret - Quinn, there you are. Father...

Minister - Actually, I'm a minister, not a priest.

Garret - We've all been wondering where you were.

Quinn - Really?

Garret - Well, I know I have.

Minister - I've just been explaining to Quinn how emotions can be very confusing for young people like yourselves.

Garret - With all due respect, Father, I wonder if maybe you're not the one with the confusing emotions.

Minister - I'm not sure I take your meaning.

Garret - Oh, I think you do.

Quinn - Oh, no.

(at the head table)

Daria - So, it turns out that you could go through training and you could be up there working on the space station in under three months. Now I'm just waiting for my Tang.

Bridesmaid #1 - Wow. Is that true?

Daria - (sighs) No, it's not true. I just made it up. Also, I'm not an exotic dancer, I don't know Seal, and I wasn't abducted by the undersea fish people.

(bridesmaids whisper to each other)

Bridesmaid #2 - We decided we'd better not talk to you anymore.

Daria - What?

Bridesmaid #3 - It's not that we don't like you. It's just...

Bridesmaid #1 - You have problems. (leaves with other bridesmaids)

Luhrman - Well, duh.

(at Helen and Jake's table; Helen is now quite drunk)

Jake - Honey, maybe we ought to think about getting back.

Helen - No, my little party's just beginning. Waiter!

Jake - Here, I'll get you some coffee and wedding cake.

Helen - Oh, Rita would love that, seeing me balloon up right in front of her.

Jake - Helen, um, you're being kind of loud.

Helen - Oh, no! We don't want a scene, do we? We don't want to spoil the lovely wedding that lovely Mother spent so much lovely money on.

(Paul arrives at the table)

Paul - Is everything okay here?

Helen - Well, you were right about one thing: she sure knows how to pick 'em!

Paul - Hey!

Jake - Keep it down!

Paul - Wanna make me?

(Rita and Erin arrive at the table)

Rita - What's going on? Helen?

Erin - Oh, you know perfectly well what's going on, Mother. Your pathetic boyfriend is making a scene!

Paul - What do you mean pathetic?

Jake - Look in the mirror, pal!

Helen - (stands, swaying) I just want to say one thing, Rita. You may be the pretty one, you may be the one Mom loves, but I worked my damn butt off!

Erin - Aunt Helen! Please!

(Brian arrives at the table)

Brian - What's going on? No cat fights, ladies!

Rita - Shut the hell up, you prehistoric imbecile!

(at the head table, Daria and Amy see the fight shift into full gear)

Amy - Things are getting ugly. I suggest we make a hasty but unobtrusive exit.

Daria - Really?

Amy - Let's go find a place that serves cheese fries. You eat, I'll watch.

Daria (to Luhrman) - I'm, uh, taking off.

Luhrman - Oh, sure, leave me to the dogs.

Daria - You can come if you want.

Luhrman - No, I prefer to sit here and watch the carnage unfold. It's been fun, though. (offers his hand)

Daria - (shakes his hand) Yeah.

Amy - Oh, all right, I'll eat, too.

(Daria gets up and they start walking)

Amy - Follow me. Don't look to the right or left. There's nothing you can do for these people now.

(Amy says this as she and Daria walk out, first passing the table where Helen and the others are exchanging heated words, then passing Garret and the minister as they exchange punches, with the object of their fight -- Quinn -- looking on in delight)

(outside the Leeville Lanes bowling alley)

(Amy pulls into the parking lot, and she and Daria exit the car and start walking towards the building)

Amy - This place oughta do.

Daria - Aunt Amy?

Amy - Just Amy.

Daria - Amy, is life always tawdry, stupid, and humiliating, or is it just a phase?

Amy - Just a phase. I'm expecting to grow out of it anytime now. (looks inside) Coast is clear!

(inside is a restaurant with a bar; behind the bar is a television showing Sick, Sad World, and seated at the bar is Brian, who somehow made it there ahead of them)

SSW Announcer - One three-time hubby is not enough for this red hot mammal. The polygamous hippopotamus, when Sick, Sad World returns.

Brian - I'm not going back there. I don't care who sent you.

Amy - Does he look familiar to you?

Daria - I think I saw him on America's Least Wanted.

(Amy and Daria sit at a table)

Amy - I suppose you want to ask me what your mother was like as a child.

Daria - Okay. What was she?

Amy - A tightly wound pain in the ass.

Daria - New topic?

Amy - Name it.

(at the wedding reception)

(Quinn consoles a beaten-up Garret)

Garret - I don't know what happened. One minute I had him, and then...

Quinn - Shh, shhh...

(Paul discusses the situation with a couple of police officers)

Paul - Everything's under control here, officers. Why don't you two go have a cup of coffee or something, on me. (hands cops money)

(the minister, looking rather beat-up himself, is hitting on another bridesmaid)

Minister - Don't worry, I'm no stranger to pain.

(Rita and Helen, both drunk and crying, are sitting on the steps in front of the stage)

Rita - I love you, Helen!

Helen - I love you, too! (takes long drink from wine bottle)

(on the golf range)

(Jake is lining up a shot, while his caddy holds a flashlight on the ball)

Caddy - Sir, wouldn't this be more enjoyable in the daytime? Perhaps with some partners?

Jake - Don't talk, son. You're shaking the light.

(closing credits)