Binky Rules

''Open to a scene that is mostly black-and-white with only some splashes of red. An older-looking version of Binky is looking at Arthur and Brain, who are holding a picture of Lakewood Elementary. All of them are dressed in Victorian-era detective clothes: button-down suits and ties. The music of the show Mystery! is playing.''

Fern: Lakewood Elementary. Peaceful, safe. Happy. Carefree.

''The scene changes to show a picture of a Victorian-era Mr. Haney. Lightning flashes, showing Haney as a skeleton and Fern gives an evil laugh.''

Fern: Try again.

''The scene shows a shadow of a tombstone. It lights up in red, showing "Lakewood Elementary" on the tombstone.''

Fern: This shuddersome school is really the scene of desperate and dastardly deeds.

''A dance is shown from a window. A woman drops something to the ground. Mr. Ratburn plays croquet.''

Fern: Only a detective of the keenest abilities could solve this disturbing dilemma.

''A piece of wall drops down on the croquet ball. Up on the roof, Muffy, dressed in blue and holding a red cloth swoons. The cloth blows away in the wind and Fern catches it.''

Fern: A detective such as...

Buster: (off-screen) Wait! This is all wrong. (record needle scratches) Try it again, pal.

''The scene rewinds, back to the tombstone with "Lakewood Elementary" on it. This time, the red lettering and design on the tombstone flashes. The scene changes to a full-color scene, but muted, on a rainy night in a city.''

Buster: (narrating, film-noire style) There was some trouble goin' on. Big trouble. And big trouble needs a guy with big brains and big nerves to take care of it.

''Francine sets a briefcase down by a lamppost and Binky, dressed in a brown hat, suit, and a red tie, comes and opens it. There is something yellow inside, glowing.

Buster: That's me. Buster Baxter. Private eye in the city of the strawberries.

''Binky runs off. Buster and Fern peel back the bricks in the background, showing them against a backdrop of white.''

Fern: Oh, please. You don't know the first thing about detecting.

Buster: I know the first thing and a lot more. What's the eighth thing? Do you know that? I bet you don't.

Fern: I guess we'll find out, won't we?

Buster: I guess so.

''They walk off-screen in opposite directions and Arthur and Francine enter the scene, still dressed in period costume. They tape the brick scene back up.''

Binky: "Binky Rules"

(Binky blows and pops bubble gum, which pops, trapping him inside the title card.)

Binky: Ohhhh!

''Mr. Morris is outside, clipping some hedges, when he suddenly notices some graffiti on a door. The graffiti, in bright pink stylized letters, reads "BINKY RULES."''

Mr. Morris: (gasps) Binky rules?!

''He grabs a hose and sprays it off. The scene changes to the playground, where a group that includes Muffy, Sue Ellen, Buster and Arthur are listening to a catchy tune. "Ui ui ui ui ui ui..." The song is in fact Mataij Ja Mustii by the Finnish band Värttinä.''

Muffy This is the best song ever!

Arthur: There should be a radio station that plays this song all day!

Buster: We gotta find out what it's called.

''In another area of the playground, Francine is playing soccer with Binky. She rolls a ball his way and he kicks it far. In the background, the song continues to play.''

Francine: You are definitely gonna make the travel team, Binky.

She rolls him another ball and he does some moves.

Binky: I never knew I had such talented feet.

The song ends.

Buster: The end. Now we can hear the name.

Radio Announcer: That's our most requested song today. The surprisingly popular...

''A soccer ball lands on the radio, knocking it down and causing it to lose the signal. They moan. Francine runs over and grabs the ball.''

Francine: Was that a kick, or was that a kick?

Arthur: Now we'll never find out the name.

Buster: I heard the group is Finnish. Maybe we can call the United Nations.

Mr. Morris approaches the group from behind.

Mr. Morris: Binky, I want to talk to you.

Screen-wipe left to Binky walking with Mr. Morris.

Mr. Morris: You may think if the chalk washes away, it's not graffiti, but it's graffiti, as sure as if you've carved it in stone.

Binky: But I didn't do any graffiti-ing-ing, Mr. Morris.

Mr. Morris: If I see anymore, you'll be spending recess with a scrub brush, not a soccer ball.

''They both stop, and gasp. Somebody has again painted the graffiti on one of the walls - "BINKY RULES."''

Binky: (reading) BINKY RULES! (chuckles weakly) That's not chalk, is it?

Mr. Morris does not look happy.

Mr. Morris: I'll get the brush.

''He walks off. Wipe left to a close-in image of two hands with brushes scrubbed away the graffiti.''

Binky: Thanks a lot for helping, guys. I never had to wash a wall before.

''The camera zooms out to show that there's actually three people scrubbing the wall, and none of them are Binky. Arthur, Francine and Buster are all scrubbing diligently.''

Francine: You'd just better not do this again.

Binky: I didn't do this this time. Or the last time. Or the next time.

Arthur: Well, why would someone be writing your name all over the school.

Buster: (no longer scrubbing) Very mysterious.

Francine: Mysterious like in mystery. We need someone to solve this problem. And I know just who to ask. Come on!

Arthur and Buster have gone back to scrubbing, but Francine grabs Binky's hand and pulls him away, running off-screen to the right.

Arthur: Why didn't she ask you? You solved the missing quarters mystery. Why couldn't you solve this? (stands up) And why are we the only ones scrubbing the wall?

''He starts to walk off. Buster is now the only one left scrubbing, but Arthur grabs him by the back of the shirt and pulls him away.''

Buster: Hey!

Screen-wipe right this time, to Francine.

Francine: (talking to someone off-screen) And now this mysterious graffiti has been left twice.

Pan right to Binky

Binky: And it wasn't me!

Fern: (sliding down a slide and speaking in an assured tone) Of course not. A person who wrote graffiti using his own name wouldn't be very smart.

Binky: Yeah!

Francine: (looking as if she thinks Fern has a point, and not in the way Fern means) Yeah.

Binky: (getting in Fern's face) It wasn't me!

''He turns his back on her. Buster and Arthur walk up.''

Arthur: Binky, you should be asking Buster. He's the real detective.

Francine: What? Fern found my bracelet.

Arthur: Buster found money. Real detectives find money. Girl detectives find jewelry.

Muffy: (approaching the group) Then why is there one Nancy Drew, but two Hardy Boys? Obvious. They can't handle the work.

Brain: (approaching from the other side) The Hardys worked out complex problems. Nancy Drew gets criminals to confess by wearing attractive pastels.

Sue Ellen: (approaching from Muffy's end) Please! Girls are good at details. Boys just bully people.

Arthur: Oh yeah?!

The Girls: Yeah!

Binky: Wait! I say they work together. That way, we've got one of each!

Fern and Buster: (getting in each other's faces) Hmph!

''Wipe right to Buster in the classroom staring at the chalkboard. He then takes his seat. Fern nudges his chair and he turns around.''

Fern: I think we should question Mr. Morris first.

Buster: (seeming quite alright with that) Okay.

Arthur and Brain both shoot him dirty looks and Brain makes a slashing motion with his arms.

Buster: (suddenly a lot more hostile) Well, who put you in charge?

Fern: Nobody. Do you...?

Muffy and Francine both have their arms crossed and Francine clears her throat.

Fern: I'm the more experienced investigator.

Buster: Oh? Well, I already found the first piece of evidence. Pink chalk used by the graffiti... ist. Ah-ha!

He reaches into his pocket to pull out the chalk, but it's nothing but chalk dust.

Fern: First rule of detecting, Buster. Never sit on your evidence.

''Arthur and Brain sigh and put their hands on their heads. Buster looks annoyed. A magnifying glass pans right to change the scene to Mr. Morris's office, where Fern is giving Mr. Morris the third degree.''

Fern: So! You left that area un-attended while you left to get Binky?!

Mr. Morris: It was only for a minute.

''An imposing shadow appears. Fern gasps. It's Buster, in a full detective outfit, with trenchcoat and cap.''

Buster: (stepping forward) I'll take over the Q&A. Okay, put me wise.

"Matalij ja Musti" starts playing from Mr. Morris's clock radio, which reads 2:55.

Buster: That song!

Mr. Morris: Hey, it's almost 3. I've got to get back to work.

''He gets up and the group leaves his office. He closes the door, cutting off the song.''

Buster: Fooey!

Fern: You distracted our witness! And what is that get-up?

Buster: (turning to her) Don't blow a fuse, tootsie. What's next?

''She rolls her eyes and walks away. Screen-wipe right to her looking through a magnifying glass, examining the wall where the graffiti was painted. She writes something down in a notebook, then observes a footprint. Buster walks up and steps on top of the footprint, looming over her as she crouches down, doing her examination.''

Buster: Listen, pinky-crooker. This evidence stuff is a wet smack. All you're gonna is win the porcelain hairnet.

Fern: (having gotten up) Am I supposed to understand what you're saying?

Buster: (as Brain approaches) Brain, you know your goulash. Slobber a bib-ful, or Binky's gonna clutch the gummy.

Brain: If you wanna know tomorrow's menu, it's posted by the cafeteria. (He walks away.)

Buster: Mm-hmm. Aha. Very interesting. (He pulls a scrap of paper out of one his jacket pockets and writes on it.)

Fern: Can we move on?

''The magnifying glass wipes again. Fern is conducting investigation of the wall, while Buster is standing idly by, searching for his next victim. He notices Muffy walking by.''

Buster: Hey, gopher-ball. Whaddya know about the shenanigag on Binky?

Muffy: (hands on hips) Just when I thought you couldn't possibly get any stranger. (She walks away.)

Buster: Looks like Binky's taking the pancake fall.

Fern: (gives a sort of growl/groan) Would you please speak English?!

Buster: (taking off his hat) Nobody seems to know anything. I think that's very odd.

Fern: You're the one who's odd, Buster. I think maybe Binky did write the graffiti and he's making me work with you so I won't learn the truth!

''She stalks away and Buster writes something on his scrap of paper. He has the hat back on. Wipe right to a table with a couple of drawings on it, one with Mr. Morris and one of the doorway where the graffiti was scrawled. Pan right, to more drawings: one of the graffiti itself, one of Binky and another, a very cartoony drawing of Buster with his detective hat on and his tongue sticking out. A scoop of chocolate ice cream plops on top of it.''

Fern: (looking up at Buster, who is crushed in a tree branch) Were you spying on me?

Buster: Hardly, foo-foo. I do my best noodle-work at high altitudes.

''He jumps down from the tree. He picks up the ice cream scoop and places it back in his cone. Fern looks slightly sickened.''

Binky: (approaching from Fern's direction, carrying a soccer ball) So what have you found out?

Buster: I've nearly solved it, Binky. Oh, and Fern thinks it's you.

Fern: I do not! It's so obvious it's you, it's obviously not you.

Binky: I'd better see some results soon. I'm so nervous about this, I can't even kick the ball right.

''He puts it down and kicks it. It bounces off the tree, shaking off a bunch of leaves and knocks him in the head. The leaves continue to fall across the screen as a scene changer to the Sugar Bowl, exterior. The shot pans in, then shows Buster inside. He is sitting across the table from Fern, who is mostly off-screen.''

Buster: Okay. Binky wants us to make the riffle. (Fern pulls his hat off.) Huh?! We need solutions!

Both stare intently at their case-notes.

Fern: I have one possible idea.

Buster: Well, I have an idea too.

Fern: Okay, what's yours?

Buster: (points at her) You first.

Fern: No, you first.

Buster: I bet you don't even have an idea.

Fern: I do so.

Buster: Then what is it?

Fern: Well, what's yours?

Buster: You first.

Fern: (sighs and crosses her arms) Go tell Mr. Morris. Unless it's a bad idea.

Buster: I'll tell Mr. Morris my idea if you tell him yours.

Fern: Deal!

They shake hands.

Buster: Deal.

Scene change to a Lakewood Elementary, where Fern is about to explain her idea to Mr. Morris, flanked by Francine and Arthur

Fern: Well, here's my idea.

Buster: (stepping directly in front of her and wearing the hat again) It was tough, it was dangerous, but I have the solution. Binky has an evil twin!

''A fantasy sequence begins. A caped figure dressed like a Jekyll version of Binky sprays the graffiti on the wall.''

Buster: (voiceover) He's out to ruin so he can take over your identity.

''The evil-twin Binky gives an evil chuckle. The fantasy sequence ends. Binky looks astonished.''

Binky: Wow! An evil twin. I wonder where he is.

Buster has his arms folded and looks smug.

Fern: My theory is a bit more reasonable.

''A new fantasy sequence begins. A group of kids in sports jerseys rush up the wall with paint rollers and quickly place the graffiti.''

Fern: (voiceover) A rival school is doing this to get Binky in trouble so he can't try out for the rival soccer team.

Mr. Morris: (nods) That's possible. I'll make sure no troublemakers get on the school grounds.

Binky: What a relief. Now that evil twin will get in trouble and not me.

Francine: An evil twin? Oh brother. You sure showed him. (places her arm on Fern in solidarity)

Arthur: A rival soccer team? (shakes his head) Oh brother. You sure showed her.

Both slightly droop their heads, looking dubious.

Buster and Fern: Uh, yeah.

''It's the end of the school day. Buster is sitting on the school steps and looks somewhat dejected. Fern is at the bottom of the stairs...''

Fern: Look, Buster...

Buster: I want to... (He stands up.)

Mr. Morris: (approaching) Didn't see anything today. No soccer players, no evil twins, no...

''...turns and all gasp. The graffiti has shown up again on a wall.''

Buster, Fern and Mr. Morris: BINKY RULES?!

''Binky is out on the soccer field, kicking balls, when a hand is placed on his shoulder. Mr. Morris does not look happy. The scene changes to Binky observing Mr. Morris speaking with Mr. Ratburn.''

Binky: That darn evil twin.

Wipe right to Fern and Buster.

Fern: Some detectives we are.

Buster: We let our client go up the river.

''Fern examines the wall. She rubs at some of the paint and Buster gives her some of his scrap paper to use.''

Buster: Here.

The paint flakes off.

Fern Mustard-yellow paint. Looks acrylic.

Buster: Mr. Geary. The hardware store.

Fern: He may know who bought it.

Scene change to the hardware store

Mr. Geary: I've never seen this color before. I sure don't sell it here.

Fern: That was our last chance. We failed Binky.

They leave the store and hear "Matalij ja Mustii" playing.

Buster: Hey. It's that song!

Fern: How can you think of music at a time like this?

''He runs off and the music gets louder. Whatever he's looking at, it's caught the attention of Fern too.''

Fern: Ah!

Buster: That's it!

''Scene change to the school, where Binky his hard at work scrubbing. Mr. Ratburn and Mr. Morris are there.''

Mr. Morris: Binky, this is the last straw.

''A blue van pulls up, accompanying by Buster and Fern on their bikes. The van is sporting the "BINKY RULES" logo.''

Buster and Fern: Look!

''Mr. Ratburn, Mr. Morris and Binky all turn to look. They all look slightly stunned. Arthur, Francine and Jenna join the crowd.''

Buster: BINKY is the name of that new group.

Male Dog-person: This is my fault, guys. I told my staff to go around town, stir up interest in this new band named BINKY. Guess they went a little too far. Start cleaning!

Two members of his staff approach the wall with buckets.

Male Dog-person: To make up for it, free copies for everyone!

He pulls a some CDs out of a box and starts handing them out.

Arthur: There are 32 songs. Which is the one we like?

Francine: "Goodbye, Vaster Norland."

Arthur: No, I think it's "Snowy, Snowy, Slushy, Slushy."

''The song plays again. Buster and Fern shake hands.''

Buster: Good work, detective.

Fern: You too detective.

''Pan to the speakers on top of the van, blasting the song loudly. Ui ui ui ui ui...''

Buster: (dancing with Fern) Hit it up, Skeezix! I'm in Nadaville!