Furt

2x08 - Furt Air Date: November 23, 2010

Written By: Ryan Murphy Directed By: Carol Banker Transcribed By: majormorris

Featured Music:

Ohio, from Wonderful Town Bruno Mars - Marry You Michael Buble - Sway Bruno Mars - Just The Way You Are Disclaimer: The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by Ryan Murphy, all rights reserved. This transcript is not authorized or endorsed by Ryan Murphy or Fox.

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VOICEOVER: Here’s what you missed on Glee: Kurt’s still getting harassed and doesn’t know what to do about it.

KAROFSKY: I am gonna kill you.

VOICEOVER: Finn and Kurt got mad at each other, because Kurt had a crush on Finn, and then Finn called him a nasty name, but it also wasn’t cool that Kurt couldn’t take a hint, and their parents are dating, so it’s a little awkward. Sam and Quinn are sort of dating, and Sue sort of dated Rod Remington.

(Cut to SUE and ROD REMINGTON playing battleship)

SUE: You sunk my battleship, Rod, and you sunk it hard.

VOICEOVER: But then she caught him cheating, so she’s back on the market, and that’s what you missed on Glee.

FINN: Oh. What’s going on? Is this one of those interventions, ‘cause…?

KURT: If it is, it’s for the both of us. They bombarded me and forced me to bring them to you.

BURT: Okay, come on, tell 'em.

CAROLE: No, no, no, you. Come on.

BURT: No. We said in the car.

CAROLE: Come on, you, you.

BURT: Come on, you.

CAROLE: Please!

BURT: All right, so you know how I drive Carole to work every Tuesday? Well, today I drove here, and we snuck into that classroom where Kurt introduced us…very romantic of me, I might add… And I…

CAROLE: He proposed! He proposed!

BURT: You stole the punch line! Come on!

FINN: Wow. This just happened?

KURT: Oh, Dad!

CAROLE: Oh! We wanted the two of you to be the first to know.

BURT: Yeah, after the kids in that homeroom. Come on, family hug, huh? Okay. Come on!

CAROLE: I’m so excited and-and nervous!

KURT: Oh, don’t be, don’t be.

CAROLE: Well, no. Okay.

KURT: Oh, my God, this is just what I needed. I will take care of it from here. I have a trunk full of wedding magazines hidden under my bed. I’m thinking of a russet and cognac theme. Those are colors, Finn. Fall wedding colors. Autumnal.

BURT: Nothing too extravagant, Kurt, okay? We’re gonna use whatever savings we have. We are spending it on the honeymoon. That’s right. We’re going to Waikiki. We’re gonna go to the hotel where they put up the guest stars on Lost.

CAROLE: Finn, you-you haven’t said anything.

FINN: Uh, I’m…I guess I’m just kind of stunned.

BURT: Hey, don’t worry. I’m already looking for a bigger house. One where everybody’s gonna get their own rooms. All right?

CAROLE: Come on, honey. Be happy for me.

FINN: I am, Mom.

BURT: All right, now listen, Kurt, Mr. Wedding Planner, I want you to take care of one thing. I don’t care about the food or the booze at this party, but I want one heck of a band. I’ve been eating right. I’ve been exercising. And I want to boogie with Carole at this wedding. And I will boogie.

KURT: All right. It’s already taken care of, Dad. I’m going to hire the New Directions as your band. Right? It won’t cost you a cent. They’re cheap, they’re available. Long story short…you’re having a Glee wedding.

(Cut to SUE in her office with a whole bunch of invitations on her desk)

SUE: (voiceover) Today is a red-letter day. The big day has finally arrived for one Sue Sylvester. (yells) Becky, get in here! Get these invites down to the post office, stat.

BECKY: Got it, Coach.

SUE: (voiceover) And to think that this joyous occasion began in horror.

(Cut to SUE doing Sue’s Corner at the News Station)

SUE: …which is why I just prefer to think of the homeless as outdoorsy. So shine on, urban campers! You smell like adventure! And that’s how Sue sees it.

(Cut to ROD and ANDREA CARMICHAEL at the main desk)

ROD: Sue, you’re the bee’s knees. Before we break, I’d like to make an announcement.

ANDREA: Rod and I are engaged.

ROD: I popped the question in my building’s common-use hot tub. Booyah. Not to worry, ladies. It’s an open marriage. We’ll be right back.

SUE: How dare you humiliate me like that! People know you and I dated.

ROD: Sue, you can’t tame the tiger. You’ve read my tattoos.

ANDREA: Face it, Sue. You’re never goinna to find someone, and you’re going to die alone.

(Cut to SUE at her computer)

SUE: (voiceover) So I decided to try online dating. And there was only one match for Sue Sylvester. One Sue Sylvester.

(Cut back to SUE in her office with her invitations)

So thanks, eDesperate. I’m over the moon. Or maybe I’m a little high off this adhesive, but I want to scream from the highest mountain, “Sue Sylvester is marrying herself.”

(Cut to Football Locker Room; SAM is lifting weights; Enter FINN)

FINN: Hey, is that safe? With your shoulder messed up and all?

SAM: Doesn’t feel messed up to me. Now that I’m healthy, I’m going to be gunning to get my job back.

FINN: Well, Coach Beiste isn’t going to replace me while we’re winning.

SAM: You can’t win every game. Look, I still want to be friends. It’s just, I’m kind of on the cusp of being one of the most popular guys in school.

FINN: Wow. I, uh…I didn’t think you were the type that cared about that stuff.

SAM: Everyone does. Being on top means you don’t have to take crap from anybody. No teasing, no Slushie facials.

FINN: Being quarterback isn’t going to put you on top, especially since you can’t even get Quinn to be your girlfriend.

SAM: I’m working on that, too.

(Cut to SAM and QUINN in a classroom)

QUINN: So, what do you want to talk about in private?

SAM: These galactic mobiles aren’t the stars of McKinley. We are. Or at least, I want us to be.

QUINN: Okay.

SAM: I think I love you. Look, my shoulder’s healed, I’m going to be the quarterback again soon. And you’re already the head cheerleader.

(SAM kneels down on one knee and presents a little white box with a ring inside to QUINN)

QUINN: Oh, my God, are you proposing? We’ve known each other for six weeks. Stand up. You’re freaking me out.

SAM: I want to marry you…some day. Until then, will you accept this promise ring?

QUINN: What are you, six?

SAM: If you accept, this ring will symbolize my promise to you to be true, to never pressure you to do anything more than kiss, to listen to your problems, to tell you when you have food in your teeth or eye gunk, to come over to your house whenever you need something super heavy moved around. I promise to make you feel proud when you point down the hall and say, “That dude’s my boyfriend.” And I promise to do all of those things without ever trying to sound like Matthew McConaughey. I really care about you, Quinn. And I want us to be together.

(QUINN closes the box)

SAM: Is that a no?

QUINN: It’s a maybe.

(Exit QUINN)

(Cut to FINN and KURT in the hallway)

FINN: Hey, uh, so I’ve been reviewing this itinerary, and I don’t really get it. Are you sure we should release 300 live doves indoors? Won’t that get kind of messy?

KURT: That’s why we feed them glitter, Finn.

FINN: Oh. Well, look, I’ve been thinking about it. I really want to do something special for the wedding, and I wanted to take this opportunity to sort of remind everyone that I’m, you know, a leader.

KURT: I have the perfect idea. After you walk your mom down the aisle, and give her away to my dad…

FINN: Incredibly creepy.

KURT: and give your speech to the newlyweds…which I will write, although you are free to suggest overall themes…you and Carole will have a lovely mother-and-son dance in front of everyone.

FINN: Ah, that’s a terrible idea. Everybody knows I’m the worst dancer.

KURT: Finn, trust me on this. I’ve been planning weddings since I was two. My Power Rangers got married and divorced in so many combinations, they were like Fleetwood Mac.

FINN: I guess if I could pull it off, it would make me seem like a cool stud.

KURT: Totally.

FINN: Thanks. It’s a plan.

(Exit FINN)

(Enter KAROFSKY; he approaches KURT ominously)

KURT: I don’t want you near me.

(KAROFSKY takes one of KURT’S wedding figurines)

KAROFSKY: Can I have this? Thanks.

(Exit KAROFSKY; pocketing the figurine and leaving a stunned KURT; WILL watches from across the hall)

WILL: Are you okay?

(KURT shakes his head no)

Okay, let’s go to the principal, come on.

(Cut to SUE’S office as a principal)

SUE: Did he physically hurt you?

KURT: No.

WILL: You said he’s shoved you into the lockers before.

SUE: Well, I can’t expel a kid for shoving. He’ll just say, “I didn’t mean to shove that kid, I tripped!” Excuse works like a charm. I use it all the time.

KURT: He didn’t shove me this time. He just…terrified me.

SUE: Lady, I can’t suspend a student because he scares you. High school is a dry run for the rest of your life. It’s rough. People can be mean.

WILL: That’s your advice? That’s all you have to say?

SUE: William, I was bullied my entire life. I grew up with a handicapable sister. I know very well how cruel people can be. Was it difficult? Yes. Did it make me stronger? You bet it did.

KURT: It’s the fear that’s the worst. I never know when it’s coming, I can’t concentrate, I don’t feel like I’m part of this school at all. I feel like I’m in a horror movie where this creature follows me around terrifying me, and there’s nothing that I can do about it? I mean, you…You don’t know what’s going on in this kid’s head. You don’t know what he’s capable of.

WILL: What does that mean?

KURT: Nothing. Maybe I’m overreacting.

SUE: Lady, this kid lays a finger on you, you come straight to me, and I will expel him faster than a Thai take-out place can read back your delivery order. Okay? But until that happens, and I’m genuinely sorry to say this, there is nothing legally I or the school board can do.

WILL: Come on, Kurt. We’re gonna be late for rehearsal.

(Exit WILL and KURT; KURT stops in the doorway)

KURT: (To Sue) You know, when you call me lady…That’s bullying. And it’s really hurtful.

SUE: I’m sorry. I thought that was your name. As an apology, I’ll allow you to choose from the following nicknames…Gelfling, Porcelain, and Tickle-Me-Doughface.

KURT: I guess I’ll go with Porcelain.

SUE: Damn. Totally wanted Tickle-Me-Doughface.

(Cut to RACHEL, TINA, BRITTANY and QUINN in the choir room)

RACHEL: Ladies, the Kurt-Karofsky bullying situation is getting way out of control. Kurt’s miserable, he’s losing weight…and not in a good way. And he’s barely even fighting me for solos anymore.

TINA: We’ve all been teased, but something about what Karofsky’s doing is so much worse.

RACHEL: We’re all lucky enough to have boyfriends on the football team. I say, we band together and demand that they confront Karofsky.

QUINN: Okay, first off all, I’m not dating Sam. And second of all, I think you personally just set the feminist movement back 50 years.

RACHEL: But guys like Karofsky only respond to muscle.

QUINN: So we’re going to fight violence with violence?

RACHEL: No! Look, I’m not saying that they should hit him. What I’m saying is that we need to defend Kurt, and there’s strength in numbers.

TINA: I’m confused. (To Brittany) Are you and Artie officially dating now?

BRITTANY: Deal with it. (whispers) When you guys fooled around, did he ever, like, just lie there?

(Enter SANTANA)

SANTANA: Why didn’t you tell me that we were having a Glee girls meeting?

RACHEL: This is a meeting for Glee girls with boyfriends. We’re going to make them stop Karofsky from bullying Kurt.

SANTANA: Okay, I’m dating Puckerman.

QUINN: You’re getting naked with Puckerman.

TINA: Besides, Puck can’t mess with Karofsky; He’s on probation. If he gets in a fight with him, he’ll be sent back to juvee.

RACHEL: Mm-hmm. Yeah, so now if you’ll excuse us.

SANTANA: You’re so on my list, dwarf.

(Exit SANTANA)

RACHEL: Look, if something bad happens to Kurt, and we didn’t do anything to stop it, we’ll never be able to live with ourselves.

(Cut to SUE’S Office with MARSHA DEAN)

MARSHA: I’m a little confused.

SUE: I said not only am I marrying myself, I will be officiating the ceremony.

MARSHA: I’m not, um…

SUE: Marsha Dean, when I hired you and your crack team at Marsha Dean Weddings, I did so because you specialize in unique weddings.

MARSHA: Well, that mostly means that some of them take place outside.

SUE: Marsha Dean, you are fired. You are out of your depth. And nothing is too good for Sue Sylvester.

(Enter DORIS SYLVESTER)

DORIS: Well, that’s one way to look at it. (To Marsha) Hello. I’m Doris Sylvester. I’m this one’s mother. Marsha, I’ll bet people say you look mannish. But you know something? I think it’s perfectly all right for a woman to be handsome. Takes all kinds. Susie, come give your mother a hug.

SUE: Please don’t call me that.

DORIS: Come on, come on. Oh, you poked me in my sternum. I always forget that you have this ribcage that’s kind of weird…and adorable. I think I’ll sit down.

SUE: Mom, what are you doing here?

DORIS: Good news, Suze. We finally caught the last Nazi. For two and a half years, we’ve been hot on the trail of Eva Braun’s great-nephew Chad. And you know what? He’s been under our noses this whole time. Working in Phoenix as a CPA. I felt bad taking him out. I mean, it’s punishment enough to live there. You ever been to Phoenix? It’s a hellhole.

SUE: Mom, where have you been? I haven’t seen you or heard from you in over three years.

DORIS: What do you mean? I-I wrote you all those postcards. I mean, granted, they were decoys.

SUE: Have you been to see Jean yet?

DORIS: It’s the top of my list. Look, I, uh…I know it’s been a long time, but…the work I was doing was important. And I always wanted to get back here and be a mother to you girls again. And Susie, I have to ask you, what is it with this ridiculous wedding? Have you given up on love?

SUE: No, Mother. Quite the opposite.

DORIS: I mean, when you were little, the other mothers used to tell me that you’d never find anybody, but I said, “No, no, no, no. "She’s a perfectly okay child. She’ll grow into her looks.” And you know what? I believe you still might.

SUE: Mother, I am going through with this wedding. And you are free to accept the invitation or not.

DORIS: Are you inviting me?

SUE: I’m inviting you now.

DORIS: Well, I am accepting. Don’t get so huffy. Since your father’s no longer with us, I want to walk you down the aisle.

SUE: No. I’m doing that.

DORIS: Then I know exactly what I’m going to do. You remember when you were a little girl and you used to ask me to sing to you? And I never had the time. So you’d line up your little dollies and they’d sing to each other? Appalachian murder ballads, but it was touching. You know something, though? I’m going to be there for you this time. I’m going to sing at your wedding.

(Cut to FINN and RACHEL in the hallway)

RACHEL: But why?

FINN: Karofsky plays right guard. If he gets pissed at me, I’m going to get sacked more times than Jay Cutler, which means we’re going to lose, which means Beiste is going to make Sam quarterback.

RACHEL: Is being quarterback more important to you than helping out the kid who’s going to be your stepbrother?

FINN: Look, we both know I can help him more if I stay on top. Look, Kurt’s going to be fine. Rachel, I’m sorry. I want to, but I can’t.

RACHEL: I’ve never been so disappointed in you before.

FINN: But…

(Cut to Football Locker Room with MIKE, ARTIE, KAROFSKY, PUCK, SAM

ARTIE: Stop picking on Kurt.

KARFOSKY: You mind? I’m changing.

MIKE: We’re serious.

(MIKE slams KAROFSKY’S locker closed)

This is a warning.

KARFOSKY: Oh, yeah?

ARTIE: From now on, you’re gonna leave him alone.

KAROFSKY: Look, if he wants to be a homo, that’s up to him, but don’t rub it in my face.

ARTIE: We’re not asking you.

MIKE: Yeah, we’re done talking about this. Just back off, all right?

KARFOSKY: Look, you back off.

SAM: Hey!

(KAROFSKY pushes MIKE into ARTIE, knocking them both onto the ground)

MIKE: Artie, are you okay?

(SAM shoves KAROFSKY into the lockers and they start fighting; Enter BEISTE)

BEISTE: Hey, hey, hey, what’s going on?! Get up! Get up here! Get up! What the hell’s going on here?

(Cut to the choir room with all of the Glee Club)

MIKE: Dude was a wild animal.

ARTIE: Manimal.

BRITTANY: (To Artie) I’m so turned on by you right now.

SAM: How bad does it look?

QUINN: It’s pretty hot, actually.

PUCK: You have no idea how hard it was for me not to jump into that beatdown.

SANTANA: Where were you, Finn?

FINN: I was still out on the field, okay? I totally would have given him a beatdown if I had been there, though.

MERCEDES: The fact is, it shouldn’t have gone down without you, Finn. You should have been leading the charge.

KURT: Lay off Finn, everyone. It isn’t his problem. It’s none of your problems, actually. But thank you for what you did, especially Sam.

MIKE: Serious, an epitome of a leader.

(Enter WILL)

WILL: What’s going on? What happened to Sam’s eye?

QUINN: He stood up to Karofsky.

TINA: All the guys did. Well, not Finn.

WILL: Is everyone okay? Do we all need to go talk to Principal Sylvester?

SAM: No. I got in a few good licks, too, so we can just call it even. And maybe this will send a warning to Karofsky, telling him to back off Kurt.

WILL: You okay, Kurt? All right, guys. Let’s take our places. We got a wedding to prepare for.

(Cut to Auditorium with DORIS and SUE)

SUE: Well, Mr. Piano Man, I think I owe you an apology.

DORIS: Not to worry, Susie-Q. I arranged for us to spend an hour in here with that, uh, that cutie-pie, what’s his, uh…handsome guy, what’s his name?

SUE: Will Schuester?

DORIS: Schue.

SUE: Let’s get this over with.

DORIS: Look…I know you’ve always resented my leaving. But I don’t think you ever truly appreciated the sacrifices I made to be a famous Nazi hunter. I don’t think you ever thought about how hard it was on me. So, this is the song I’m going to sing at your wedding. Yoo-hoo! There we are. I know you know it. It’s one of my favorites.

DORIS: Well, hit it!

(DORIS starts singing “Ohio” and SUE joins in; A speaking interlude begins)

SUE: Well Mother, this song still doesn’t explain why you abandoned your children.

DORIS: Ohio was stifling, and we couldn’t wait to get out of the place. And I told you, “Sue, we’re going to be hunting Nazis.”

SUE: And Pop said, “Sue, this might take a little while.”

DORIS: Well, those Nazis are slippery, and me hunting them way down in Lima, Peru…

SUE: We’d get postcards from Niagara Falls…

DORIS: While I’m stalking Mengele in Bolivian malls.

SUE: Three times a year, we’d get crackling phone calls.

DORIS: Happy birthday!

SUE: Hunting Nazis!

DORIS: Merry Christmas!

SUE: Hunting Nazis!

DORIS: Homesick.

SUE: Abandoned.

DORIS: Heartsick.

SUE: Neglected.

(They finish singing “Ohio” together)

DORIS: Well, that wasn’t as good as I thought it would be. Whoops! Wait a minute. I’ve got a fitting for your wedding. I’m wearing white. I know you won’t mind. It goes with my skin tone. You? You got your father’s coloring. Give us a kiss.

(SUE kisses her; Exit DORIS singing the last line of “Ohio” as she leaves)

(Cut to KURT, FINN and BURT in the choir room)

KURT: Thank you both for attending the Kurt Hummel Wedding Dance Seminar. Dad, you’re going to have to pull off the first dance with Carole. And if Uncle Andy’s 40th birthday party was any indication, you’re going to need some work.

BURT: What are you talking about? My moves were great, okay? It was the…damn sangria…

KURT: Okay. We dance to the beat, not to the words.

BURT: Affected my coordination. I’m here, right?

KURT: Yes, right here. Okay. All right, have you guys chosen a…No… A wedding song?

BURT: Uh, yes. We’re thinking "Stairway” or some Buble?

KURT: Okay. Great. So it’s basically one-two-three-four. Okay. Follow me, all right? Gentleman leads on the left. Right. Opposite of me. Okay? Get ready? Opposite. One-two-three-four. (They start dancing) Okay, getting back.

BURT: Hey, look at me, I’m dancing, huh? Look at that!

KURT: Yeah, okay. Come over here, and dance with yourself, practice.

BURT: Come on, Finn, no chickening out. I did it. You gotta do it, too.

FINN: Okay, uh…

BURT: My feet are moving and there’s music.

KURT: All right. Okay. Position.

BURT: That’s dancing.

FINN: Uh…Can we… Can we shut the door? I’m not really comfortable with people watching.

KURT: What are you talking about? You danced in front of 1,000 people at Regionals.

(KAROFSKY walks by just as FINN and KURT take position; he makes a limp hand gesture, mocking them)

BURT: What the hell was that?

KURT: It’s nothing, Dad. That was not nothing.

BURT: That guy was making fun of you. What the hell’s his name?

FINN: Tell him, Kurt.

BURT: Tell me what?

FINN: Tell him, or I will.

KURT: His name’s Dave Karofsky. He’s… been harassing me for a few weeks now.

BURT: Harassing you how?

KURT: Just… Shoving me, and giving me a hard time.

BURT: There’s more. There’s something else you’re not telling me.

KURT: He threatened to kill me.

FINN: What? You’ve got to be kidding me.

(Exit BURT as he runs out of the room after KAROFSKY)

FINN: Burt!

(BURT shoves KAROFSKY up against a locker)

KAROFSKY: What the hell?

BURT: You like picking on people?

KAROFSKY: What?!

BURT: Why don’t you try me?

FINN: Burt! Stop!

KURT: Please, you’re sick. Come on.

(BURT pulls back)

BURT(To Finn) What the hell have you been doing while this is all going on, huh?

KURT: Dad…

(Cut to KURT, BURT, KAROFSKY, PAUL KAROFSKY and SUE in Sue’s principal’s office)

SUE: So it seems the situation has reached a boiling point.

BURT: You’re damn right, it has.

KAROFSKY: Nothing happened.

BURT: I’ll tell you what really happened. Mr. Karofsky…

PAUL: My name’s Paul.

BURT: Paul, your kid threatened the life of my son.

SUE: Porcelain? Is that true?

KAROFSKY: That’s not true. I didn’t say anything.

KURT: That’s what he said. He said he would kill me if I told anyone.

SUE: If you told anyone what?

KURT: Just… that he was picking on me.

KAROFSKY: He’s making all this stuff up.

BURT: Oh, is that right?

PAUL: Hold on a sec. You have been acting differently lately, David. You used to get A’s and B’s. You’re talking back, you’re acting out, and now we’re sitting here. So let me ask you: Why would Kurt make that up?

KAROFSKY: Maybe he likes me.

BURT: I think we’re wasting our time here. It’s your job to protect people.

SUE: Couldn’t agree more. After hearing both sides of the story, you are hereby expelled. I will not have one student threatening the life of another. If you don’t think this is fair, well, you can appeal

to the school board. You’ll leave campus immediately.

PAUL: I appreciate your time.

(Exit PAUL and DAVE KARFOSKY; BURT follows)

BURT: Thank you.

SUE: Enjoy your wedding.

(Cut to FINN trying to put on a tie at the church; Enter SANTANA)

FINN: Huh. Never learned how to tie a tie.

SANTANA: Sit down, Frankenteen. I’m guessing you know that you’re losing it. I mean, Sam is clearly the new Glee favorite, he’s going to become starting quarterback…

FINN: What’s your point?

SANTANA: My point is that you need a coolness injection. If you were honest and told people that we did it last year, you would go from uncool to Chilly Willy in a heartbeat.

FINN: Maybe, but I can’t do that.

(Cut to FINN and RACHEL making out in RACHEL’S Room)

RACHEL: Wait.

FINN: What?

RACHEL: There’s something I have to tell you. I didn’t have sex with Jessie. I-I lied… to make you jealous.

FINN: I-It’s cool. Um, you know, I had a feeling, considering how much of a prude you are with me…not that I’m complaining.

RACHEL: This is so much better because now neither of us have done it and we can save it…for each other.

FINN: Awesome.

(Cut back to FINN and SANTANA)

FINN: If she found out, she’d break up with me.

SANTANA: And this would be bad because…?

FINN: Because I’m in love with her and I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

SANTANA: Okay, don’t you see that that midget is like an anchor dragging you down to the depths of Loserville?

FINN: Oh, stop it, Santana, that’s my girlfriend. I think you should leave.

SANTANA: All right. Well, maybe I’ll tell her. I mean, if you two broke up, we’d be free to see each other, right?

(Enter RACHEL)

RACHEL: Hey. What are you guys doing?

SANTANA: Nothing. I was just leaving.

(Exit SANTANA)

RACHEL: (To Finn) Aren’t you going to tell me how pretty I look?

FINN: You look amazing.

RACHEL: What?

FINN: I…I just really love you.

RACHEL: I love you, too.

(The Glee Club sings “Marry You” at the wedding ceremony)

PRIEST: Please be seated. We usually start with a prayer. But a certain young wedding planner, who shall remain nameless, was afraid that some in attendance might fall asleep.

(SANTANA nudges a sleeping BRITTANY)

So instead, I’m going to let Burt and Carole tell you in their own words why they’ve invited you here today.

BURT: I’m not really known for having a way with words. Uh… you know when you’re a kid, adults will tell you a lot of things. But one thing they neglect to mention is how…sad life can be. I lost somebody I loved very much. But Kurt…he lost his mom. And that killed me. Well, we got by, but looking back? I-I want to apologize to you, Kurt. What we were living just…wasn’t living. You know that saying, that when God closes a door, he opens a window? Well, sometimes out of nowhere, he’ll do you one better, and he’ll kick a whole wall down. He grabbed me by the shoulders, and he pointed me towards this woman right here. And he said, “There she is. Go get her.” You’re everything, Carole. Words can’t describe you. You’re everything. And I will love you till the day I die.

(FINN and RACHEL smile at each other; SANTANA looks on morosely)

CAROLE: Oh, hey…I’m lucky. Most women, when they get married, they get one man. I get two. One of you saved me from my wardrobe, the other one just saved me. Kurt, you are an amazing person. I’m not only getting a son, I’m getting a friend. Finn…I know you were resistant at first, but I am so proud of you. I’ve watched you grow into a man. But I think I’m most proud that you’ve become a brother to Kurt. We are four people. Becoming a family.

(They all grasp hands)

PRIEST: Okay. Burt…Do you take Carole…

BURT: You bet I do!

PRIEST: And do you, Carole, take this man…?

CAROLE: Oh, yes I do! Yes, I do.

(They kiss and everyone claps)

(Cut to WILL singing “Sway” at the wedding reception)

(BURT and CAROLE are dancing their first dance; KURT shows his approval; the rest of the Glee Club dances along in their seats)

WILL: And now, I’d like to introduce one of the best men: Finn Hudson!

BURT: All right?

KURT: You did good. It did the trick.

FINN: (He takes a champagne glass from a waiter) Oh. Thanks. Hi. Uh, thank you. Best man. Right. Uh…Well, I want to propose a toast to my mom…who is so awesome. I mean… somehow even without one in the house, you taught me what it means to be a man. In Glee Club, uh, whenever two of us got together, we got a nickname. Rachel and I are Finnchel. Rachel and Puck were Puckleberry. And today, a new union was formed. Furt. You and me, man. We’re brothers from another mother. And quite frankly, no one else has shown me as much as you about what it means to be a man. And over the past few weeks, uh, some stuff’s gone down. And I haven’t manned up like I should’ve. From now on? No matter what it costs me, I got your back. Okay? Even if it means getting a Slushie in the face every now and then. (The Glee Club laughs) You put this entire wedding together by yourself, Kurt. So as a thank you, I had the Glee Club put together a little number in your honor. You’re going to dance it with me, dude.

(FINN sings “Just The Way You Are”; The rest of the Glee Club joins in and FINN and KURT dance together)

(Cut to DORIS and JEAN sitting in a room waiting for SUE; JEAN puts a wedding figurine of two SUEs on a cake)

DORIS: Well, I hope the real wedding is more exciting than the rehearsal. You know what, Jeannie? There’s nothing like spending time with m'girls.

JEAN: Then why did you leave us?

DORIS: I was busy. I was busy keeping you safe. Those Nazis, they’re nasty people. You got the illustrated copy of Mein Kampf I sent you, right?

JEAN: Yes, I did. Thank you.

DORIS: You’re welcome.

(Enter SUE in a tracksuit wedding dress)

Oh, what in the G.D. Hell?

SUE: That’s enough. Dearly beloved, we are gathered today to join Sue Sylvester and Sue Sylvester in holy matrimony. Jeannie, give me the rings.

DORIS: This is insane.

SUE: Sue, do you take Sue to be your lawfully wedded spouse? I do. (She puts on the ring) And Sue, do you take Sue to be your lawfully wedded spouse? I do. (She puts on the other ring) By the power vested in me by a Web site, I hereby pronounce you Sue and Sue. You may kiss yourself.

DORIS: I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but this is crazy. This whole thing is crazy. I had my heart set on singing during the ceremony! I don’t want to be singing as you’re walking out! I want to have a special moment with you girls!

SUE: We girls have had lots of special moments, Mother. You just weren’t there.

DORIS: I resent that. And I also resent the fact that you are keeping me in the background at my own daughter’s wedding, which, I am sorry to say I still think is bizarre!

SUE: You know when I finally began to like who I am? When I stopped trying to please you. So Jean and I had to learn how to become our own family, and you can’t just waltz in here after all this time and start calling the shots. You’re a bully, Mother. It’s taken till now to realize it, but you are a bully.

DORIS: I am not!

SUE: Mother, I cannot remember a conversation with you where I didn’t walk away feeling worse about myself.

DORIS: Well, you know what, Susan? I’m disappointed in you.

SUE: I’m sorry to say, Mother, you are no longer invited to my wedding.

DORIS: What about my song?

SUE: You are welcome to sing “The Sound of Silence” in your hotel room right now.

DORIS: All right. And to think I was going to send you to Israel for your honeymoon. They love me there.

(Exit DORIS)

JEAN: You look beautiful.

SUE: You’re beautiful.

(JEAN and SUE hug)

(Cut to SAM and QUINN by SAM’S locker)

SAM: Hi.

QUINN: Arnica twice a day. It’ll help your bruise.

SAM: Thanks.

QUINN: I’ve been thinking a lot about what you did for Kurt. It made a real impact.

SAM: I thought the only impact that was made was Karofsky’s fist impacting my face.

QUINN: You saw what Finn did at the wedding. That was because of you. We’ve been talking this whole time, and you haven’t even noticed that I’m wearing your ring.

SAM: How’d you get that?

QUINN: I broke into your locker. I’ve always been really handy with a nail file.

SAM: Really?

QUINN: Mm-hmm.

(Exit QUINN; She plays with SAM’S ring on her finger as she walks away)

(Cut to SUE, BURT, CAROLE and KURT in SUE’S office as principal)

CAROLE : This is absolutely unacceptable.

BURT: This psycho threatens my kid’s life, and some school board made up of a bunch of people I’ve never met tells me there’s nothing they can do about it?

SUE: Oh, they could do something about it. They just decided not to. No one reported witnessing him being violent, and there’s no way to prove that he threatened you with violence. The school board president issued a verbal warning to Karofsky, and that’s where we stand.

KURT: I can’t go back to being terrified all the time. I jump every time a locker slams shut. I flinch whenever I turn the corner. I don’t feel safe at the school.

SUE: Kids who bully, for the most part, have been bullied themselves. And I for one don’t flatter myself that that behavior can change. Now this kid Karofsky isn’t gonna all of a sudden be nice to you, and I won’t stand by unable to do anything about it. Effective noon tomorrow, Figgins is back in charge as I’ve tendered my resignation as principal in protest. I can’t help you behind that desk, but I can be an extra pair of eyes out in those hallways. Someone ought to have your back. Besides, I miss my office. This room smells weird. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m inhaling a lot of dead skin.

(Cut to KURT, CAROLE and BURT in the hallway)

KURT: Well, I guess I’ll try to enjoy the rest of the day, before the terror starts anew. (To Burt) I’ll see you at home.

BURT: Hey, Kurt. Wait up a second. There’s something we want to talk to you about.

(Cut to the Glee Club in the choir room; enter KURT)

WILL: Come on, guys. The wedding was great, but we have got to get ready for Sectionals next week. Kurt, good, I want to talk to you about this amazing idea I had for a solo for you at Sectionals.

KURT: Can I make an announcement first?

WILL: Yeah.

KURT: First, I wanted to thank everyone for what you did at my dad’s wedding, especially Finn. It’s nice to know that I have great friends here as well as a true brother. Which is why it’s so hard for me to leave.

QUINN: What do you mean, “Leave?”

KURT: I’m transferring to Dalton Academy… immediately. My parents are using the money they saved up for their honeymoon to pay for the tuition.

TINA: Kurt, you can’t leave.

FINN: What the hell, dude? How about you talk with me about this first?

KURT: I’m sorry, Finn, but there’s nothing to talk about. Karofsky’s coming back tomorrow, so that means I won’t be.

SAM: We can protect you.

PUCK: Seriously, we can, like, form a perimeter around you like the Secret Service.

FINN: Yeah.

KURT: The only thing that can really protect me is what they have at Dalton, a zero tolerance, no-bullying policy. It’s enforced.

RACHEL: Um, does this mean that you’re going to be competing against us at Sectionals?

(SANTANA holds up a hand to quiet RACHEL)

MERCEDES: Kurt…(she walks up to KURT)

KURT: (He starts to cry as he walks slowly away) Sorry. I have to go.

(Exit KURT)

THE END