The Grand Mama-Pest Hotel

Okay. Thanks, Mr. Frond. I'm gonna be the most fun chaperone you ever worked with. I'll be your one and chaperone-Ly. - (laughs) Oh, he hung up. - So you're in, Mom? Yeah. Me and my teeny Tina are off to the Heroine Conference. Heroin Conference? What do you mean, like a jazz concert? That really isn't the best name. What would you call a weekend-long empowerment gathering for girls with speeches from important female leaders? Sex and the City 3. Oh, I can't wait. We haven't had special Mama-Tina time since we got stuck in the elevator at your orthodontist's. Aw, we thought we were gonna die, remember? Yeah. And, uh, what are we gonna do while they're gone? Enjoy all that extra room without their boobs in the way? Mm Maybe something easy that costs nothing? - Tickle party? - Eh. - Armpit farts? - Hmm, I'd Yeah, I'd do that. - (children chattering) - FROND: Okay, listen up. - Listen up. - This is an overnight field trip. And you are teenagers. - So we are not fooling around here. - Nope. If you break the rules, you will be sent home. - That's right. - Notice this firm, commanding voice? It's my tough voice. And when ya hear it, ya better fear it. So let's hear it. - Come on.

- What? I just did it. That-that was it. - That was That was the tough - Oh. That was it. - That was it right there. - That was it. Oh, my God, Tammy, I'm so glad we're rooming together. Me, too. We're gonna stay up late and pretend it's our apartment and we're so tired of the dating scene. Who are you rooming with, Tina? I'm rooming with a cool, older girl who happens to be married to my dad. - The bus driver? - No, my mom. - Me! Up top. - Here you go. (sarcastically): Cool. - Yeah. - Very cool. All right, people, as many of you know, this year's Heroine Conference keynote is being delivered by none other than Bernadette Baker. - Who's she? - She's an astronaut who flew two missions to the International Space Station and is also a black belt in karate. - We're reading her book in class. - Ooh. She's so mad at the Moon.

I love it. Linda, please. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Here's something fun and mandatory Write down one question for Ms. Baker. If the conference people pick your question, you'll get to ask it yourself during the Q&A. Whoa. Did you hear that, Mom? Huh? What? No. I-I'm a chaperone, I don't have to listen to him. There's our guy. So (sighs) no dames tonight. Just us boys. So what are we doing? Yeah, wow us, Pops. Uh, we could watch a movie. Maybe, like, a guy movie? Hmm. Like what? Magic Mike? Finally? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe something else. Great. Let's close up this slop shop and get to it. We're not closing early, Louise. Why not? The only person who comes in here is Teddy, and you can just leave his burger on the sidewalk. - Yeah, like Mom does. - Wait, what? She puts 'em on a plate. It's called class. Wow. I've never seen so many girls my age in one place before. That's because we don't tell you where we hang out. (both laughing) It's not the mall.

Okay, do I have everyone's questions for the astronaut? Let's see. Tammy Larson asks, "How do you poop in space?" It's a serious question. How does anyone poop anywhere? Okay. "How do you pee in space?" "How do you poop in space?" Another pee. "How do aliens poop?" Okay, here we go. "Who inspired you to go to space?" A thoughtful question from Tina. - Thanks, Mr. Frond. - (exhales) Glad we didn't go with the poop question, huh? I know. Mrs. Belcher, would you mind getting us checked in? Sure. Check me out, getting checked in. Nice, Mom. What chapter are you on? Uh, the one before she goes to space but after she started karate. That's a good one. I'm Tina. But my friends call me Blaze. They don't.

I don't know why I said that. (chuckles) I'm Dillon. I hear that. Sorry. I don't know why I said that, either. It's okay. (sighs): I get this way on field trips. I get it. When I went to camp, I said my name was Dallas, and I was from Houston. I hear that. - Hey, it kind of worked that time. - Yeah. Okay, it looks like your block of rooms is good to go. Make sure to join us for the buffet breakfast by our beautiful water feature. LINDA: Ooh, water feature. Smells like chlorine. Nice! Now, for your room, would you like one key or two? Two. For me and my daughter slash BFF.

- We're roomies. - That's so sweet. Enjoy it while it lasts. Right? Wait, what? Hi, I'm Amy. I'm a chaperone this weekend. Hi. Me, too. Linda. What do you mean, "Enjoy it while it lasts"? Well, how old's your daughter? Thirteen. Oh. Yeah. My daughter's 13, too. When we started the year, she let me talk to her. And be seen with her. And chew food around her. You can't chew food around her? To be fair, I chew weird. I chew weird. Really weird. Aw, but Tina's Tina. She's Mama's little girl. That's your daughter? She's talking to my daughter. (gasps) They're coming over here. How do I look? - Mom, can I - Mom, I want to - Wait, is that ? - Oh, are you ? This is your mom, too? Are we sisters? This is fun. The chaperone-ettes find each other in a crowd. - Hi, Dillon! - No, thanks. Okay! (laughs nervously) Mom, Dillon and I were wondering if we could room together? What? Room together? What? I was going to have a room to myself, but this'll be more fun. Oh, then I could room with you, Linda. I was gonna drive home tonight and then drive back in the morning. It's just four hours away. Tina, what about our mommy-daughter weekend? Mom, please? Uh, okay. Sure. But if you change your mind, - I'll be right here in the - Yay! Thanks, Mom. Welcome to the Rejected Moms Club. It's probably a joke. Yeah, and (elevator bell dings) Tina's gonna come back any second and say, "Not!" Or "Psyche!" - (elevator bell dings) - See? There's my little girl. I accidentally pushed the "door open" button. Goodbye, Mom.

- (bell dings) - Oh. So, two chaperones sharing a room. Do you snore? 'Cause I snore. It would be fun if we both snored. I can't believe Tina ditched me for some girl she just met. Eh, they'll like us again by the time they're 30. Get a hobby. I scrapbook. That's Dillon's report card. That's a thing she dropped in the car. Huh. Lot of pictures of her sleeping. Mm-hmm. It's almost as good as actually hanging out with Dillon and talking to her. - Right. That's not completely sad. - No, it is. Okay. Uh, I'm gonna go check on Tina. You sure you don't want to scrap it out with me? - Aah - Little scrap sesh? - No - I have scalloping shears. - Snip, snip. - Uh No.

No, thanks. No snip, snip. BOB: Okay. Guy movies. Uh, I've got a young Clint Eastwood. Nice. - I've got middle-aged Charles Bronson. - Yes. - And I've got old Michael Caine. - Mm. And I've got Bachelor Party, which is probably not appropriate. Tom Hanks in the '80s? Please and Hank you. Well, at least that's got "party" in the title. What even happens at a bachelor party, anyway? Like, what happened at yours, Dad? Uh, I'm not sure I had one. That good, huh? Oh, my God. This is perfect. - Wait. What's perfect? - Don't you see? This is the Mom-less, Tina-free fun we've been looking for. Dad, we're gonna give you the bachelor party you never had. A dad-chelor party. You guys, no. I don't want a bachelor party. - I don't need one at all. - BOTH: Dad-chelor party! One last night of fun before you marry that old bag Linda. Hi, Mom. Uh, what's up? Just checking in. - Oh, wh - Yeah, whatcha doing? What's this? Reading tarot cards. Which I have done before. As you well know. Ooh, tarot cards, freaky. Come on, deal me in. What's wild? Uh, Mom, it doesn't work that way. Good chaperoning, though. I think we're all set here. Good night. Oh, I get what's going on. You think the mean, pretty chaperone came to crack down on your fun. Well, I left my chaperone hat in my room. My room key, too.

I forgot my room key. - Ha. Good one, Linda. Ha. - Well, sounds like you got a lot going on, so Hey, I got an idea. How about we get out of this stuffy old room and do something really fun? But Mr. Frond said if we leave the room we'll get sent home. Aw, don't worry about Mr. No-Fun Frond. You're with me. Wow, Tina. Your mom's a lot. That's right, random new friend. Come on, let's do it! Fun, right? We're walking around. Ooh, look, someone got room service.

Mom, this was nice but I think Dillon and I should go back now. Why? We haven't even gotten to the fun part yet. What is the fun part? The fun part, Dillon, is we're gonna take the fries and spell out "hello. " In fries! Ha! Great prank. And that's a prank because ? Well, if you don't get it, you don't get it. LOUISE: Another round of shots, gentlemen? Ugh. I think I've had all the apple juice I can stomach, Louise. That's a yes. Gene? Yeah! Speeches! Speeches! Let me tell you something about this son of a bitch. Gene's cut off. No speech. Oh, boo. Having a good time, Dad? Oh, yeah. - Should we call it a night? - (doorbell rings) - I'll get it! - Oh, no. Who's at the door? Maybe somebody ordered a sexy surprise? - (door opens) - TEDDY: Bachelor party! - You invited Teddy? - We kept it small. What, do you want to go wide with this list? Make room on the couch, Bob. Make room. Uh Louise, pour me one. - Hit me. - Bam. Here's one. Give me another one. I got to catch up. (gulps) There it goes. Soda in the elevator. Yup. There it goes. Perfect prank. (yawning): Oh, yawn.

Dillon, are you yawning? I think we're both yawning. (yawning): Oh, yeah. Maybe we should both go to bed. Bed? What? But the most fun part hasn't happened yet. We're gonna, uh Huh. Mom? What are you doing? I don't know, what am I doing? Just popping the top off this little bottle of shampoo, and, uh (grunts) - TINA: Mom, no! - Whoa. It's fun! You do it. I don't really want to. What about you, Dillon? Huh? Better than tarot cards, right? Uh, I don't know if you can really compare the two? Aw, party sham-poopers. It's starting to foam. Come on, get in on this. HOTEL MANAGER: Our water feature! Is someone throwing shampoo into our water feature? No! Okay. Uh, uh, okay. All right. Let's go. Let's go. Just go. Oh, Mr. Frond! - Linda. - Oh, no. Yeah. As in, "Oh, no, you didn't. " Eh, at least he didn't do his tough voice. That was my tough voice.

Yeah, no, yeah. (dance music playing) Eh, ah, ooh, ah. Gene, seriously, no more apple juice for you. I can't believe you're getting married, Bobby! - (crying) - (phone ringing) Teddy, maybe take it down a notch. Hello? Sorry, I, uh, I can't hear you. Guys, turn the music down! - I heard, "Turn it up"? - (volume increases) - Bob? - Linda? Is everything okay? I need you to come here. What? You're two hours away. What's going on? Uh, there's been some trouble, and someone's getting sent home. (sighs) Sorry, I can't hear you. Guys, volume. Pressing bass boost. Tina's being sent home? Uh, someone else. Guys, please! Sorry, Lin, we're having a bachelor party. He's getting cold feet, Mom. This phone call's not helping. - I said - Aah! (music stops) I got in trouble and I'm getting sent home! - Oh, my God. - I dance-kicked the stereo. Oh you're on the phone. Sorry, Bob. (sighs) Thanks for waiting for your dad with me, Tina. Ha. It's not the silent treatment, if that's what you're thinking. She's probably just trying to come up with the perfect little joke to lighten up the mood. Sometimes it takes her hours. - Hi, everyone. This is awkward.

- LOUISE: You think? GENE: I don't know, I'm liking the vibe. Now that your ride is here, I'm going to get some rest. I suggest you do the same, Tina. You're going to be talking to Bernadette Baker tomorrow. What? Tina, they picked your question? Why didn't you tell me? I wanted to, Mom, but you were too busy embarrassing me and being crazy! (laughs nervously) I'm not sure that lightened the mood. Linda, what did you do, exactly? - Nothing. It was nothing. - It wasn't nothing. We have a beautiful water feature in our courtyard until your wife threw shampoo bottles into it. The courtyard is covered in lather. I guess we're calling anything a courtyard these days, huh? Please remove your wife. She is no longer welcome to the Brewster Courtyard Gardens Hotel. But your motto is "You're always welcome to the Brewster Courtyard Gardens Hotel. " - Not you! Not anymore. - Mom? - Yes, sweetie? - You should just go. - You really embarrassed me enough tonight. - Tina, no. I'm going to bed. I can't remember which room I'm in, but I'm sure I'll recognize the door. She's gonna be wandering around up there all night. LOUISE: Yep. She belongs to the hotel now.