The Old Girl

Unfortunately, Hope got bit by a cow at Natesville's petting zoo. Luckily, the petting zoo is run by the butcher shop, so to avoid a messy lawsuit, they gave us 500 pounds of beef. So lately, we've been eating nothing but meat. All right, tonight we're having steak-etti with meatballs and meat sauce. And make sure you leave room for beef cobbler. I haven't pooped in a week. Me, neither. But I know it's coming, and it's gonna be bad. Four trains arriving in the station at once. Ooh, sorry I'm late. I was at the gym trying to work off some of this meat, and I met a new girlfriend. I knew it. I called lesbo three months ago. I'd have 20 bucks if I'd gotten any takers. No, you wouldn't have, because she's just a friend. Which I desperately need. Especially after I found out my Internet friend Cassandra doesn't actually exist. Hey, I was just trying to help. Ooh. Oh! That's Rachel calling right now. Isn't she pretty? What the hell is wrong with you people? I'm sorry. When I panic, I throw things. Your new friend is my ex-girlfriend. I was 18. I had just come out of my goth phase and was thinking of going to college. So I drove out to one, thinking if I didn't end up going, I could still say I went to college and hope the questions ended there. Um I'd like some pork and beans, please. You're funny. Wait, we're not actually here to feed students. I'm not a student. No, I was thinking of becoming a student, but now that I've seen everyone in their fancy horsey guy shirts, I'm thinking maybe I'll just take my pork and beans and be on my way. Well, you don't have to be rich. You know, a lot of people get here just by being smart. Strike two. Beans, please. Here. But I don't think you should give up on yourself so easily. You're an underdog. Everybody loves an underdog. Especially a cute underdog. Wow. She's not just Natesville hot. She's at least Milwaukee hot. Yeah, I don't know, Jimmy. Long-distance relationships aren't such a good idea. Plus, she's in college. And while we've never been, according to college movies, things can get a little crazy. Put the answers to the final exam in your pouch, next thing you know, you're hopping away from the university police. Am I the only one who saw Big Kangaroo on Campus? Well, me and Rachel are gonna work, because I am gonna see her every chance I get. And I did. I went to see her every single weekend. Hi. Everything was going along great until Uncle Jonas died. But I want to go see Rachel, not watch Maw Maw. Life is so unfair. Uncle Jonas gets stomach cancer, and now I'm the one who has to suffer. Stop being so selfish. Your mother just lost a member of her family. And now it starts to get interesting. Since I couldn't go see Rachel, I tried to send her something special every day. But none of my gifts could make up for the distance. And eventually the letter my parents warned me about arrived. "Dear Jimmy, there's no easy way to say this. "I've met someone else, and I'm breaking up with you. "Even though you have the biggest trouser snake of any man I've ever been with. " It said that? No, I just threw that in to make you feel better. And that sent me into a breakup funk. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone It's not warm when she's away Ain't no sunshine when she's gone And she's always gone too long Any time she goes away Wonder this time where she's gone Wonder if she's gone to stay Ain't no sunshine when she's gone And this house just ain't no home Any time she goes away I know, I know, I know, I know I know, I know, I know, I know I know, I know, I know, I know. That Rachel is a demon child from the jowls of hell. And we don't want her in our lives ever again. Well, that's gonna be a problem 'cause I invited her over for meat. Hit the deck! Maw Maw, get down. We're hiding. I'm 86 years old. I've got a colon packed with meat. This is gonna take me a while. Would you guys please get up? Look, Rachel is great. I've never had a BFF before. And I finally found someone who's worthy of me using that ridiculous phrase. We're just trying to protect Jimmy. Obviously we care about him a little more than you do. Really? Okay, fine. Name his top three allergies. Trick question. He doesn't have any allergies. If I eat peanuts, I'll die! That's right. He will. Because Jimmy's a weakling. His heart can't handle seeing Rachel again. That is why I forbid you to open that door. You can't tell me what to do. And you can't tell Jimmy what to do anymore, either. Look, you are not a teenager anymore. You're a husband and a father, and even if no one else here believes it, I know that you are man enough to handle this. Sabrina's right. She was right about me being able to switch from baths to showers, and she is right about this. I'm an adult now. I rang the bell so long ago, but I knew I had the right house because I could smell all the meat. Oh, yeah, the Jimmy? Uh hello, Rachel. Uh So, funny story: It turns out that my husband Jimmy is your old boyfriend. Yeah. Oh, my God. It's-it's been so long. Yes, it has. Which is why I hope what I'm about to say doesn't ruin your new friendship with Sabrina. Jimmy, what are you doing? Saying something that needs to be said. When I wrote this seven years ago, I wanted to make sure that if I ever ran into you, you would know exactly how I felt when you dumped me. "I thought that everything was going "to be great between us. "Then, all of a sudden, it was gone. "If our relationship was a hit new movie, it would be called Crash. " Wh-When I wrote this, uh, seven years ago, that movie had just won the Academy Award. Never saw it, but I heard it was good. Uh, da-da-da-da, let me see, a couple Hurricane Katrina references. Uh Osama Bin Laden is dead now, so that doesn't work. This is really catching me off guard. I I don't even know what to say. I mean Well, I see you're still cozy with Lance and Sally. I am so embarrassed. I have been calling them Burt and Virginia for like 30 years. Oh, my Wait a second. You know them? Yeah, I know them. They're the whole reason we broke up. Mom! Dad! Oh, look, Sally. It's Rachel. I don't believe this! Okay, let us explain. It's not what you think. Jimmy was interested in girls at a very young age. I'm gonna give this ring to that girl over there and ask her to be my girlfriend. Okay, good luck. Go get 'em, tiger. Excuse me? The problem was Jimmy liked girls that were way out of his league. I guess the urinal isn't the only place he aims too high. And sure enough, once she realized there were smarter, richer guys out there, Jimmy was kicked to the curb. And we were left to pick up the pieces. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone It's not warm when she's away Ain't no sunshine when she's gone And she's always gone too long Any time she goes away Wonder this time where she's gone Wonder if she's gone to stay Ain't no sunshine when she's gone And this house just ain't no home Any time she goes away I know, I know, I know Close your eyes. I know, I know, I know, I know I finally got him to go to sleep. Poor little guy's heart is broken. Just broken. Burt, I'm talking about our son. How can you Don't look at me. Are you crying? His tiny heart is shattered. It's making me so sad. So sad. I know. I hate this. I hate being so sad. We can't ever let this happen to us again. Promise? I I promise. Knowing we couldn't take seeing Jimmy get his heart broken ever again, we made sure he stayed away from women that were out of his league. Mommy, this is Tracy. She's really smart. She helped me with my letters, and she taught me that boogers aren't food. Thanks for coming over. Most kids don't want to be friends with Jimmy. I don't know if it's because he has cooties or because I'm a witch who eats children. And it didn't stop when Jimmy became a teenager. Hello? Oh, hi, Susan. You're the head cheerleader, right? That's great. What'd you get on your S. A. T. 's? Wow. Yeah, Jimmy can't come to the phone right now. He's in the bathroom taking his, um, worm medication. Yep. His underwear looks like the sidewalk after it rains. Hello? What is wrong with that boy? Right down the block, there's that bucktoothed redhead with the one Frankenstein shoe. She's perfect for him. We thought he had learned to leave those types of girls alone. But then Jimmy met Rachel, and she sounded a little too good for our taste. Me and Rachel are gonna work, because I am gonna see her every chance I get. You know we got to put a stop to this. So we told Jimmy Uncle Jonas died and that we were going to the funeral. But instead we went to spy on Rachel. We figured that since she was away at college, Rachel was probably already cheating on Jimmy, but we had to go up there and get proof. So to blend in, Burt and I dressed like students in all the college movies we saw. This isn't anything like the college movies we saw. Yeah. Where's the uptight dean and the crazy frat guys and where's the kangaroo, for God's sake? I'm pretty sure you dreamt that movie. No. Indiana Jones and the Planet of the Pickles was a dream. I'm pretty sure this one's real. Ooh, there's Rachel. I recognize her from the picture. I can't believe how hot she is. I mean, the picture cut her off at the waist. I just assumed her ass ballooned out. That must be the guy she's cheating on Jimmy with! As soon as they kiss, I'll snap a picture, and we can go home. Yo. Crap. All of a sudden, the slut gets shy? This could be harder than I thought. You go talk to that guy; I'll talk to Rachel. On it. Excuse me. Hi. I made some terrible decisions in my youth, so I'm just now getting to college. Could you tell me where the laundry room is? Oh, um, it's in the basement of the student union. So you have to go out the door, down the stairs, past the econ building, through the quad Whoa. Lot of college words there. Yeah. Sorry. You know what? I'm actually headed that way, so I'll just show you. I'm Rachel. Sally. Nice to meet you. So are you hooking up with that hottie I saw you with earlier? Richard? No. He's, uh he's in my a capella group; we're just friends. Right. Where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah, just from every single guy and girl who are "friends" right before they had sex. Well, not us. Besides, I already have a boyfriend. He lives in Natesville, and his name is Jimmy. Oh. Jimmy from Natesville. Sounds like a big-nosed kid with a bad haircut who wet the bed till he was seven. But if that's what you like. Hey. So, what'd you find out about Richard? He's premed, he likes sports-scent deodorant, he's got about 30 bucks in his wallet, and he doesn't lock his door. It's obvious he and Rachel are perfect for each other. According to his diary, he hates his thighs and he's shy with women, so it might take him a while to make his move. Yeah, but in six months, when he finally does make his move and he and Rachel end up together, Jimmy's heart is gonna be completely shattered, and we're gonna be left to pick up the pieces. Man, we got to help Jimmy. And we got to free the Burmese people from their oppressive regime. After talking to Richard, I wandered into a protest. Well, his heart's gonna get broken eventually, so for Jimmy's sake, we've got to break it now, so it doesn't get more broken, later. He's lucky he has us. So we posed as full-time students, and we found some stuff in the dorm lost-and-found that helped us fit in better. Do, do, do And to get closer to Richard and Rachel, Burt and I joined the Cliff Notes, their a capella group. Bum-bum, bum-bum Do, do, do, do, do, do I worked on getting Rachel more interested in Richard Hey, guys. Mmm, mmm! Better not see him naked on payday. while Burt worked on gently building up Richard's confidence. What the hell is wrong with you? Be a man! And stop letting me slap you around. To sell your body to the night Roxanne Do, do, do Roxanne Do, do, do You don't have To put on the red light Roxanne Put on the red light Meanwhile, we also had to make sure that we intercepted any mail or packages that Jimmy sent Rachel, and vice versa. Roxanne Put on the red light Roxanne Put on the red light Roxanne Put on the red light. I think somebody was checking you out during rehearsal. Was it that creepy security guard? My R. A. said they were gonna fire him. No. Her. Behind you. You and Richard harmonize so well together. You should have sex and get married. No way she'd ever be into me. Any woman would be interested in you. You're smart, you're funny, you can sing. Unless you're dealing with baby-sized equipment, you can have your pick. Sally, I told you, I'm with Jimmy. You haven't heard from him for a couple of days. I'm sure he's busy cheating on you. I read somewhere how nine out of ten Jimmys cheat. I don't know, I think she just sees me more like a friend. You ever seen that show Friends? Everybody was hooking up. David Schwimmer nailed Jennifer Aniston. Anything is possible. You know what? You're right. I'm gonna go for it. Attaboy! Wh Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the hell are you doing kissing my friend Sally? You told me to. You said she was checking me out during rehearsal. No, I wasn't! You kind of were. No uh You're not even my type. Sally, you're always talking about how hot you think Richard is. You are? A hot guy for you, Rachel, not for me. We're nothing alike. You're rich, and I'm not. That's what I like about you. You're, like, a real working-class broad. I'll bet you're dirty. What the hell is going on here? Uh well, according to this bulletin board, um, lasagna day at the student union. "All Folked Up" is at the coffee house! And somebody's getting rid of a futon. Why do you have a backpack full of stuff from my boyfriend? What? That's not my bag. That, uh, must be your bag. Oh, my God, this this is all making sense now. The bag of stuff from Jimmy, you trying to get me to cheat on Jimmy with Richard, why he hasn't called me lately. You're hooking up with Jimmy, aren't you? What?! No, that's crazy! Trust me, I could never hook up with Jimmy. Stop it! I'm tired of all the lies, Sally! You're my sister. I need you to stop lying. The Indian chief who raised us would want you to be honest. You were raised by an Indian chief? I am dating Jimmy. In fact here's a picture of me and Jimmy and my brother and our tribe's medicine woman. I can't believe this. Well, believe it. When I found out Jimmy was seeing someone else, I knew I had to get her out of the way so I could keep all that hot Jimmy man-action to myself. You know what? If you want Jimmy so bad, you can have him. So I forged a breakup letter from Rachel, sent it off to you in the mail, and the rest is history. Wait, sorry, I got lost at the beginning. Could you go back to when the goofy grocery store manager walks in? He's in this one, right? I can't believe you guys. You should write a book on parenting called The Opposite of What You Should Do. You should be thanking us. If you had stayed with Rachel, you never would've knocked up a serial killer and married the cutest girl in the supermarket. You're right. So I guess I should just run on down to the pharmacy, get out a greeting card that says "Thank you, parents, "for secretly breaking up my relationship and hoping that I'm lucky enough to stumble into something good. " They-they do have some crazy ones now. I saw one that said, "Sorry your bird died. " Really? I am out of here. You people, seriously, you're clinically insane. Clinically insane or clinically insane like a fox? Hey, wait, this is a new marriage, okay? If it doesn't work out, I'll call you. I can't believe it. She's gone. My BFF wasn't for F. Well, look at the bright side. Because of us, you weren't friends for very long, so even though she broke up with you, it doesn't hurt that much. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone Jimmy really did find the perfect girl for him. We did a good thing. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone Ain't no sunshine when she's gone And this house just ain't no home Any time She goes away I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know