The Habitation Configuration


 * Wil Wheaton: Why are you here?
 * Sheldon: I’ll tell you. I’m from Texas. Need I say more?
 * Wil: Yeah, actually, a little more would be helpful.
 * Sheldon: You insulted my woman. I’m here to defend her honor. Two! It was two. (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Now prepare yourself for what may come.
 * Wil: Oh, Sheldon, do you really think we’re gonna fight?
 * Sheldon: My fists are not up here because I’m milking a giant invisible cow. They’re up to beat an apology out of you.
 * Wil: Okay, I’m sorry.


 * [The scene of Howard and Bernadette sitting at a table for two at the Cheesecake Factory with Penny serving them two cheeseburger meals]
 * Penny: Hey. Sorry this took so long. (To Bernadette) But you used to work here, you know how it is.
 * Bernadette: (a little bit concerned) Kitchen slammed again?
 * Penny: No, I’m a terrible waitress, remember?
 * (Penny leaves the table)
 * Bernadette: (asking happily) So, is there anything I can do to help you with the move tomorrow?
 * Howard: (clinching whilst speaking) Now that you mention it, I was thinking tomorrow might not be great.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Howard crossly) What’s your excuse this time?
 * Howard: (he chuckles) No excuse. It’s just, you know, I’m Jewish, and technically, we’re not supposed to drive or carry anything on the Sabbath. So this one’s on God.
 * (Howard chuckles again).
 * Bernadette: (she is now very cross) That might be a little more convincing if you didn’t have a mouthful of bacon cheeseburger.
 * Howard: (through his mouthful) My religion’s kinda loosey-goosey. Basically, as long as you got your schmekel clipped and don’t wear a cross, you’re good.
 * (Bernadette turns shocked and Penny comes to the table with a water jug)
 * Bernadette: (she's really disappointed) Howie, you promised you’d move.
 * Howard: (sounding a little bit cross) And I will.
 * Penny: (she has poured Howard's glass with water) Yeah, right.
 * Howard: (excited but still a bit cross) I will. I’m obviously not going to live in my mother’s house for the rest of my life. I’m not a child.
 * Penny: (stroppingly) I’ve seen her burp you.
 * (Bernadette starts to react with a strong frown of anger)
 * Howard: (calmly) She did not burp me. She was patting me on the back, and I happened to burp.
 * (Penny thinks sadly at what Howard said)
 * Howard: (he asks Penny in a temper) Don’t you have other tables you should be waiting on?
 * Penny: (she speaks firmly to Howard) Yeah, but I told you, I’m not good at my job. Bernadette, listen to me. He is never gonna leave.
 * Bernadette: (unhappily) I’m starting to think you’re right.
 * Howard: (He is now very angry) All right, I’ve had enough of this. I’m a grown man, I have a successful career, for the love of God, I’ve been to space. I will move out when I’m ready, and I don’t need anyone badgering me into it.
 * Penny: (she's shocked by Howard's reaction) Wow, excuse me.
 * (Penny leaves the table again)
 * Howard: (he speaks to his wife nervously) That was just for her benefit. I’ll move tomorrow. I love you. Don’t leave me.
 * (Bernadette still frowns angrily at her husband's terrible behavior).


 * Howard: (struggling with the heavy box of goodies and puts it down on the table) Okay, I have now officially moved out of my mother’s house. You are now the only woman in my life who I’ll see naked in the bathroom.
 * Bernadette: (happy, but nervous) I know this wasn’t easy. You doing okay?
 * Howard: Oh, I’m fine. It’s just her I’m worried about.
 * Bernadette: (cuddles him and speaks softly) Aw, she’ll be okay. She’s a grown woman.
 * Howard: I know. It’s just ever since my dad left, I’ve felt responsible for her.
 * Bernadette: (concerned) That’s a lot for a kid to deal with.
 * Howard: She was just so sad all the time. I was the only person who could cheer her up. Well, me and Ben and Jerry.
 * Bernadette: (she's smiling for a second and speaking with reassurance) She’s lucky you were there.
 * (Howard takes a magic wand out of the storage box)
 * Howard: You know, she’s why I first got into magic. I would do little shows for her, hang up a bedsheet like it was a curtain, put on a top hat and cape. And part way through the act, I would say I needed a volunteer from the audience to be my beautiful assistant and invite her up on stage. I can still remember the way she’d smile. For a few minutes, she’d forget how lonely she was.
 * (Bernadette is now extremely cross by all of this and she throws herself off the couch in complete rage).
 * Bernadette: (she has had enough) Aw, crap. Let’s go.
 * (She now picks up the storage box of belongings with complete fury)
 * Howard: Where we going?
 * Bernadette: (she orders him crossly) Grab a box. We’ll sleep at your mother’s place tonight.
 * Howard: No, but I want to live here.
 * Bernadette: (she is still completely angry) Well, you should’ve thought of that before you told me the stupid magic trick story.
 * (she storms out of their apartment doorway in a huff)
 * Howard: (he's asking her with a chuckle) Can’t we talk about this?
 * Bernadette: (she's yelling angrily like Mrs. Wolowitz from out of sight) No husband of mine is gonna break his mother’s heart!
 * (Howard now picks up a storage box of collectables and starts exiting).


 * Sheldon: Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter’s deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don’t have to look at them. She’s a unique blend of saint and squirrel.


 * Howard: I remember when I was five, hiding under this desk with all my Halloween candy. Had some Peanut M&M’S, went into my first anaphylactic shock and had to be rushed to the hospital. Came home, celebrated with a Snickers, went into my second anaphylactic shock.
 * Raj: When did you figure out you were allergic to nuts?
 * Howard: Sometime around the third Almond Joy.


 * Wil: Well, this is an exciting one. This is the flag of the United Federation of Planets.
 * Amy: Cut.
 * Wil: Problem, first-time director?
 * Sheldon: Oh, none that I could see. I saw a man who loved flags almost as much as I do. I got goose bumps.
 * Amy: He was overacting on purpose.
 * Sheldon: Really? He reminded me of a young William Shatner.


 * Amy: I don’t care for your friend, he’s being rude to me. You need to ask him to leave.
 * Sheldon: Amy, I can’t just ask Wil Wheaton to leave. He’s a minor celebrity. Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him.
 * Amy: Fine. Then maybe I should go.
 * Sheldon: Could you? That would solve everything. You are the best. I’ll see you at dinner tonight?
 * Amy: You sure you wouldn't rather have dinner with your friend Wil Wheaton?
 * Sheldon: Come to think of it, I would! You, little lady, are on fire.


 * LeVar Burton: (Shakes hands with Sheldon) Hey, Sheldon, it's a pleasure to be here. (Sits down) Well, we've got some interesting flags for...
 * Amy: Cut. Yikes, this guy is worse than Wil Wheaton.
 * Sheldon: I don't know what she's talking about, but I'm obligated to agree with her. She's my girlfriend.
 * LeVar Burton: Ah, I hear you, brother. I still get lunch, right?
 * (Sheldon nods yes)