Get That Bigfoot Outa My Face!

(Scene opens up showing a van driving up a hill.)

Phineas: Hey, we're almost there. What's the first thing you're going to do at camp, Buford?

Buford: Find a nerd, take his underpants, and run 'em up the flagpole.

Phineas: I don't think Camp Phineas and Ferb has a flagpole.

Buford: Then I guess I'll just find a nerd and take his underpants.

Baljeet: You may have my underpants. They just got very messy all of a sudden.

Buford: Thanks, but it ain't the same if Buford don't rip 'em off of you.

Phineas: What about you, Isabella?

Isabella: The Fireside Girls and I are going to work on our accomplishment patches.

Fireside Girls: Yay! Accomplishment patches!

Phineas: How about you, sis? What's the first thing you're gonna do at camp?

Candace: First of all, it's not camp. It's just Grandma and Grandpa's cabin, and it's boring.

Phineas: But we made T-shirts.

Candace: Secondly, I don't like the outdoors, okay? I don't like bugs. Phineas, are you even listening to me? Phineas: I seem to have misplaced my ant farm.

Candace: Mom!

Linda: Yes, Candace?

Candace: Do I have to go to Grandma and Grandpa's?

Lawrence: Oh, I think it's rather sweet the Grandma Betty Jo and Grandpa Clyde invite you kids and all your friends every year.

Candace: But I'm not a kid. I'm a young adult. Can I do something with you guys?

Linda: Of course you can, Dear. You can join us at the antiques symposium. This year's keynote address will debate Shellac vs. Lacquer.

Lawrence: Woo-hoo!

Candace: I'll take one of those shirts. (Sobs)

Grandpa Clyde: Where are they?

Grandma Betty Jo: Look. Oh, here they are now.

Grandpa Clyde: (Laughs) Hey!

Phineas: Hiya, Grandpa!

Grandpa Clyde: Well, hello Phineas! You haven't changed a bit!

Phineas: Grandpa, that's not me! That's Perry!

Grandpa Clyde: Huh? Huh? Oh, right. Looks like I need to get my glasses fixed!

Phineas: (Laughs) With the glasses.

Grandpa Clyde: And Turbo Ferb-o! Put 'er there, put 'er there, put 'er there, put 'er there, put 'er there, put 'er there! (Laughs) Still a man of a few words, I see.

Ferb: Well, actually I--

Grandpa Clyde: So, where's your sister?

Candace: Hello? Hello! What do you have to do to find a cell signal in this place?

Grandma Betty Jo: Candace?

Candace: Oh, hi Grandma. How can you stand living out here in the middle of nowhere?

Grandma Betty Jo: Oh, come on, honey. It's not so bad. You'll see.

Grandpa Clyde: Alright, nature lovers! Time for vittles!

Phineas: (Laughs) "Vittles" is "Grandpa-ese" for "food". Hey, where's Perry?

(Suspense music; Knocking, Watch ticking)

(Ding)

Major Monogram: Sorry about that, Agent P. We haven't used that tree slide in years. Not since I was at the academy. (Sad music) Anyway, Doofenshmirtz seems to be up to something, Agent P. He's hold up at his evil woodland retreat. You're mission is to find out what he's up to. Please, Agent P. Be careful.

(Thinking) The Academy.

Kid: But I don't want to go to the academy, Daddy.

Man: I'm not your father, it's been decided.

Kid: I love you, Daddy.

(Kids shouting and laughing)

Candace: Oh, quiet, you pesky bugs! I am trying to tan here!

Phineas: Hey, Candace. I thought I'd bring my favorite camp counselor a Phineas special.

Candace: That is just a glass of limeade. And I am not a counselor.

Isabella: Hey, Phineas. The girls have finished pitching the tents.

Can you sign here for our Tent Pitching achievement patches?

Phineas: Sure thing.

Candace: What are you doing?

Phineas: Well, as camp director, I'd say I'm "Doing my job".

Grandpa Clyde: Gather around, kids. There's an old legend, well, not that I believe it, about the Sasquatch. A race of giant, hairy creatures living up here in these very woods.

(Kids gasp)

If my memory serves, I think there was a song written about it.

Isabella: Really? Do you remember any of it?

(Song: He's Bigfoot)

Phineas: He remembers.

Grandpa Clyde: He's Bigfoot, he's Bigfoot

He'll eat you with his taters and his greens

He's Bigfoot, he's Bigfoot

'Cause to Bigfoot you're a fleshy tangerine

Boy: Oh no!

Grandpa Clyde: He goes barefoot, so he's always free to stomp ya

He carries a big stick so he can whomp ya

Sharpens up his teeth so he can chomp ya

So I think you'd better flee, 'cause I'm telling you that he's

Bigfoot, he's Bigfoot

He bathes in the water that you drink

Holly: Yuck!

Grandpa Clyde: He's Bigfoot, he's Bigfoot

So watch out, 'cause he's closer than you think

Boo!

Kids:One more time!

He's Bigfoot, he's Bigfoot...

Candace: Ugh! Am I the only adult here? Why can't my grandpa act his own age?

Grandma Betty Jo: I think you should act your own age. And have a little fun.

Candace: Sorry, Grandma.

Grandma Betty Jo: There's all sort of fun a young adult can have here. You just gotta use your imagination. So come on! We're making stick figures! Out of real sticks!

Candace: Grandma!

Grandma Betty Jo: All right, all right, all right. We'll think of something else.

Doofenshmirtz: (Laughs) Tonight! It all happens tonight! (Thud; Gasps) Perry the Platypus! How unexpected! And by unexpected, I mean: (Record scratch) Unexpected. What are you doing here? This is my week off.

Oh, that. (Laughs) Well, uh, well, I suppose you should know I- I've started dating again. I met someone online. I know what you're thinking, but- But we're meeting for the first time, and I'm-- Oh, you gotta go.

("Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.!" Doorbell)

Oh no, Perry the Platypus! She can't see you! She doesn't know I have a nemesis! Oh, and I- I don't have time to destroy you. Uh, you could be my pet. You think you can act like a mindless animal?

(Door opens)

Woman: Oh, uh, hello. I'm looking for Strudelcutie4427. (Notices Perry, picks him up) Wow, aren't you the cutest little thing? Are you my date for this evening?

Doofenshmirtz: No, no! (Laughs) Uh, that would be me. I'm Strudelcutie4427. Nice to meet you. Uh, this is my pet platypus. He was just going outside for a nightly walk.

Woman: Oh, could I hold him a little longer? He's so sweet. (At Perry) Oh, yes. Yes you are.

Doofenshmirtz: (Laughs) Well, I guess he can stay a- A little bit, but- You know what they say. Three's a crowd and whatnot. (Laughs)

Phineas: (Gulp) Ahh. Just how I like 'em. You just earned your marshmallow patch, my friend.

Candace: (Sighs)

Phineas: So, Grandpa, what should we do now? Tell scary stories? I got one!

Grandpa Clyde: Oh, Phineas, you always start. Why not give another kid a chance?

Grandma Betty Jo: Yes. How about you, Candace?

Candace: No.

Grandpa Clyde: Okay. Anyone else? Uh, Baljeet?

Baljeet: W-what? Uh, uh, oh. Thank you. (Flashlight switch flips; Wolf howls) Well, this is a story about a kid who comes to this country, and goes to camp. He, like, has to share a tent with a bully. It's really quite terrifying, actually. Quite terrifying.

(Crickets chirp; Flashlight switch flips)

Grandpa Clyde: Take it away, Phineas.

Phineas: All right, Grandpa. I've got a good one. It's about Bigfoot!

Kid/Pedro/Ginger: Bigfoot?

Buford: Bigfoot?

Squirrel: Bigfoot?

Candace: Grandma!

Grandma Betty Jo: Sorry, Dear.

Woman: You are the cutest thing I've ever seen. Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

Doofenshmirtz: You know, some people say we look alike.

Woman: Uh, I don't think so. (At Perry) Not at all. No, not at all.

Doofenshmirtz: Uh, darling, you haven't even touched your cucumber water. I made it especially for you.

Woman: You know, Strudelcutie4427 was a lot less needy online.

Doofenshmirtz: (Sighs) I'm going to go get some air.

Woman: ...Lot less needy online.

(Door squeaks)

Doofenshmirtz: (Sips cucumber water, Spits it out) Oh, I don't even like cucumbers! Why do I always get the crazies?

(Wolf howls)

Phineas: And when the moon is full, like it is tonight, Bigfoot will return, and exact his revenge. (Leaves rustling) Huh? What was that noise?

(All gasping) AAAAAH!

Baljeet: I really should have packed more underpants.

Kids: RUN!

Doofenshmirtz: (Gasps) That sounded like screaming children! But it's not my birthday. (He falls off the balcony screaming)

Phineas: You guys crack me up! (Laughing)

Isabella: Phineas, what are you talking about?

Phineas: There's no Bigfoot! It's just Ferb in the tree! Look! See? They're just dummies! (At Ferb) Nice rope skills, my friend!

Isabella: Then... who is this?

Phineas: Ah, it's an inflatable Ferb. (Air hissing) Sounds like Ferb too.

(kids laughing)

All Kids: It wasn't a real swarm of Bigfoot monsters after all! Buford: That was awesome!

Doofenshmirtz: (Groaning)

Woman: What was that? You better stay here while I investigate. (Crickets chirping; Gasps) Oh!

Doofenshmirtz: (Grunting)

Woman: Wait a minute. Bigfoot?

Doofenshmirtz: Huh? What?

Woman: Bigfoot!

Doofenshmirtz: No, no, no! Wait! It's me! Ugh! (Whistling; Grunting)

Woman: Strudelcutie4427? Whoops.

Agent P!

Grandpa Clyde: Whoa! That was a good one, boys. You sure got us.

Candace: I can't take it anymore!

Phineas: It was just a joke, Candace.

Candace: You're a joke, Phineas!

Grandpa Clyde: Candace, Honey, calm down!

Candace: Calm down? Calm down?! I don't wanna calm down!

Phineas: But your screaming might attract a real Bigfoot.

Candace: A real Bigfoot. Oh, give it a rest, Phineas! Everyone knows that there's no such thing as a real--

(Roaring)

Oh, fine. What's this one made of? Popsicle sticks and glitter?

Phineas: Uh, no.

(Roaring)

Candace: Huh? GAAAAAH!

Kid #2/Adyson/Gretchen: (Gasps)

Candace: AAAH!

Grandpa Clyde: (Laughs) Looks like we fooled 'em, ma! (Laughs)

Grandma Betty Jo: (Laughs) Did you see the look on their face? (Laughs)

Candace: That was so cool!

Grandma Betty Jo: Oh, good one!

(Air hissing)

Candace: And you got an inflatable Grandma, too.

Grandma Betty Jo #2: Oh, I'm not inflatable. I'm your Grandma's identical twin. I only come out once a year if these two want to prank someone. Well, back to my closet.

Grandma Betty Jo: See you next year, Lorraine. (At Candace) Oh, come on. Let's round up those scared kids and have some hot cocoa.

Doofenshmirtz: (Grunting; Screaming) It's not the worst date I've ever had. There was that one that kept stabbing me with a fork. Get this off of-- (Screaming)

Candace: (Laughs) I sure got you guys! You should have seen your faces! Only unsophisticated, immature brains would believe in monsters. (Laughs) Yes, it takes a mature, such as myself, to know that there's... no such... thing... as... (Stammering) BIGFOOT! (Screams, Door slams)

Baljeet: Oh, I do not believe her one bit. Too much overacting.

Kids: Yeah.

Buford: I smell ham.

Phineas: Hey, Perry. Why are you all covered in lipstick?

(Suspense music, Perry chatters)