Girl Talk

1 ADULT ADAM: The '80s was a golden age of advertising, - filled with famous faces. - Oh, hi, Vern. They talked fast and pitched to us every day. Hello. I'm Orville Redenbacher. - Mikey liked it! - He liked it! And the "Where's the Beef?" lady needed to know exactly where the beef was. Hey, where's the beef? And there were local pitchmen, like Crazy Eddie. It's Crazy Eddie's greatest Fourth of July sale ever! Even Jenkintown had its own commercial celebrity my dad's competition, the Formica King. Are you looking for a bed, a table, a wall unit?! ADULT ADAM: He was wild, kooky, and the bane of my dad's existence. Come see me, Formica Mike, the Formica King! We got deep discounts on all your favorite brightly-colored furniture in space-age laminates! And we're slaying the competition! Furniture deals on everything Come on down to the Formica King Ask for me! Mike! Or Luis. He works here, too! ANNOUNCER: The Formica King's an authorized Formica laminate dealer. Do-do, do-do-do, do-do, do Are you humming the jingle of my sworn enemy? No. Totally unrelated. Formica King All right, that's it. I'm sleeping on the couch. ADULT ADAM: My dad hated the Formica King and couldn't get away from him. Look! The Formica King has a regal summer sale! Big kingdom furniture for lil' kingdom prices. - [GROANS] - Murray, you gotta hit this schmuck back before he drives us out of business. Dammit, I know! My dad had to make his own commercial, and there was only one geek who could save him. I never thought I'd say this, but bring me Adam. I've been waiting for this moment my entire life. I know your taste. It'll be quick and simple. Also, you'll be sitting. Oh, I like this idea. Or and I'm just talking out loud here what if instead of simple, we made it incredibly complicated? - Ooh, I'm listening. - No, no. Do not encourage him. Yep, my dad's brother and unreliable employee Marvin. Let the selling begin! He was full of bad ideas, and my dad hated all of them. We have an opportunity here to make the biggest, most expensive furniture commercial ever, okay? I'm talking about explosions, car chases, furniture girls. There's no such thing as furniture girls. Uncle Marvin's right. We should probably go big. - So big! - And loud! - And sexy! - Go away! Ooh! We can set it in space! - Spaaaace - No space! And animals. We need animals. The deadlier the better. Yes, people respond to fear. Not furniture buyers. And we need epic stunts. How many sleeper sofas can you jump in a monster truck? Well, if we load it up with rocket fuel, an infinite amount! When you're done, we'll do it my way. Knock yourselves out. [GASPS] That's it. We wrap the whole thing up with a Rocky Balboa/ Apollo Creed - final freeze frame. - Let's rehearse it. [IMITATING SYLVESTER STALLONE] Well, I don't usually rehearse, but okay. [SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY] I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was November 1, 1980-something, and my brother was about to bust some moves. - Yo, yo! - Look at this. The KFC has come to hang out under the bleachers. - No, it's the JTP. - TOGETHER: JTP! And it's your lucky day, 'cause Big Tasty cordially invites you to have dinner with him at Jenkintown's most exclusive, romantic eatery. Tony Roma's! Place for ribs! All right, bleacher creatures. Stop being all sketchy and get to class. Nice try, dude. Mr. Glascott, I was about to go out with Jamie Weisman for ribs. Everyone knows that's the most romantic part of the pig. Except for the heart. Actually, I saved you. Seriously, man, you were going down in flames. Trust me, I know. You do know. Hey, it's different when I say it. Gah! That's the third girl this week who shot me down. Don't these smoking hot scrubs know I dated Lainey for three years? Don't ask me, dude. I haven't talked to a girl since my piano teacher told me to stop calling her. It's like the only people who see me naked now are you guys. I used to have great luck with women, but it all dried up when I started hanging out with you dudes. Coincidence, Matthew. Man, I do not miss being single. I'm just so happy I have Erica, ya know? - You're so lame, Geoff. - We don't have to hear it. Wait, that's it! It's been in this house the whole time! Erica's bedroom. There has to be some answers in here. Okay, guys, this is, like, a huge invasion of Erica's privacy. Dude, she's my sister. I know her better than anyone. She'd do anything to help us out here. Erica's very upset and wants to talk to you. Really, dude? I know you're her brother, but she's really pretty. - [SIGHS] - Barry. I will say this once. Leave my room, or I will end you. Aww. You are so sweet. Guys! She said, "Go for it. " We're good to go. Put Geoff back on the phone right now! Yo, Geoff, she says she loves you, and you're, like, totally the one. I've been waiting for this moment! If you don't get out right now, so help me God, I will get on a bus and No, you're the best. Geoffrey, tackle Barry! - Love you. - Punch him in the nards! We officially have Erica's blessing. Let's do this! Naked Rob, you and I shall play the board game where you literally become a woman "Girl Talk. " Matthew, you take this Caboodle and make friendship bracelets for all. One of you lucky bros is gonna get an anklet. Andy, you read these Judy Blume books. Soak up all the teenage lady writing and see if God ever responds to Margaret. I hope it's a yes. Geoff Schwartz, you take Erica's diary and read her inner-most secret girl thoughts. She's never let me read it before! She finally trusts me! Gentlemen, our world changes today. Let's get feminine. Okay, our big commercial's all done. Yep. There's no story, there's no effects, there's no artistic expression whatsoever. I've never been more proud of the kid in my life! Are you looking for high-quality furniture at low prices? Come on down to the Ottoman Empire Huh! Where I will personally fight high prices. I am the Sofa Samurai, and I will erase the bloodlines of the competition! - [GRUNTS] - What the hell was that? Don't ask me! Marvin taped over my commercial! ADULT ADAM: And that's when things got weird. My Uncle Marvin hijacked the commercial. - He was a space man - [LASER BLASTS] who was a lifeguard No credit? No problem! I'll save you! ADULT ADAM: who had a cyborg arm. And I've been rebuilt by the government to fight crime and high prices. ADULT ADAM: It was a disaster. So, come on down to the Ottoman Empire. And bring the kids. They can swing my sword around and chop up stuff. Ding! Freeze, freeze. ADULT ADAM: It was classic Marvin, and my dad had seen enough. How do you do it, Marvin? How do you literally screw up everything? What?! If anything, I spiced it up with swords and time travel and furniture girls. What's their story? Tiffany and Megan. They're actually good people. I hope you don't mind. I had to pay them in chairs. I do mind! You can't just give away our furniture and promise that kids can play with swords! This is insane! I'm not airing this stupidity. Ever. Oooooooooh. "Ooh"? What do you What do you mean, "ooh"? What if I told you there was a world where people will see it or have absolutely seen it? - Which is it? - Both. I knew that you wouldn't understand my vision, Mur, so I had to go "behind your back," and I handed it off to the local affiliates. Wait. This already aired?! Okay, calm down. The man means well. You realize that's the worst thing you can say about a person. How is it bad if a man means well? Because it means he doesn't do well. He's too busy being a moron. That's it! I refuse to work for someone who thinks so little of me! Great. Then don't come in tomorrow. - Are you firing me? - No, you just quit. Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm just refusing to work. - That is quitting. - Which I didn't do! Then fine. You're fired. No, no, you can't fire me. I already quit. Too late. I fired you first. Okay, so rehire me so I can quit. You're rehired. Go ahead and quit. - I'm staying. - Then you're fired. You would fire your own brother? I quit! - He means well. - [GROANS] As my uncle was quitting, Barry and his pals were ready to give up on girls. Dude, "Girl Talk" sucks. The only thing I've gotten from this game is a bunch of zit stickers. And I admitted I had a crush on the hunky quarterback, and he's so not my type. You need a guy who makes you laugh, man. Andy? You have better luck with that Judy Blume book? You have no idea what women go through each month. I mean, it's crazy. It still won't help us get dates, but it's crazy. Maybe the ol' Bevernator can help you with your lady troubles. Mom! Stop invading our privacy while we're invading Erica's privacy! Maybe this is a chance for our relationship - to change for the better. - It can't change. Once you're a lame mom, you're always a lame mom. Well, once you graduate from high school, you're not gonna need a mom anymore. You're gonna need a friend who knows things. I want to be that friend. Your lady bro. Dude, a lady bro is exactly what we need. No. Last thing we need is for you to mom us up with corny mom advice. That is quite possibly the most hurtful thing you've ever said to me. I am so much more than just a mom. Now eat your prunes so you can get your tummy engine cookin'. No prunes! They're just so wet. It's been four days, Barry. You need to make. Mom. I'm fine. You know, Essie Karp's nephew's son held it in for that long, and then he got on a ferry to Nantucket I don't wanna hear this stupid mom story. They had to turn the boat around, Barry. I don't care about Essie's nephew's son! - A Coast Guard chopper was involved. - Mom. - People were jumping into the ocean. - Mom! They had to decommission the boat. - Mom!! - Because he didn't eat his prunes. I think you've proven my point. Well, suit yourself. But just know that the most attractive trait in a man is when he makes on schedule. No, Naked Rob! Drop the prunes! Oh, sorry, dude. I need these prunes, and I need a lady bro to help me get a lady, bro. My mother is not the answer, Naked Rob. Okay, see, that's the problem right there. This whole naked thing, Robert. Girls don't like it when you run up to them with no pants on. Don't listen to her! Your nudity is your most redeeming quality. So you're saying if I get dressed in the morning and stay that way all day, then women will be less revolted by me? I'm not just saying it. I know it. Fine! But I guarantee this will not work. Dude. I can't believe it. My mom actually helped the guy. Um, could you tell your friends to go? No, Debbie! I'm watching and learning. Guys, please. This is a big moment for me. Do you guys actually think my mom isn't just a mom? Accept it, man. She's the answer to all our problems. While Barry had to admit defeat, Uncle Marvin was ready to take a victory lap. What's going on? Why are you here? I thought you quit. [LAUGHS] Don't worry about me, Mur-Man. I'm just here to let you know that I landed a sweet new job. Oh, did you, now? Oh, yes, I did. And I finally have a real boss one that I can respect. [PLAYS FANFARE] Make way For Formica Michael Mikowitz Well, well, well. What do we got here? A whole lot of crappy furniture with no one to buy it. So, you're working for this putz now? That's right. I just snaked your top salesman. - Must be killin' ya. - No, I'm good. No, but he's your brother, and now he's working for me the enemy. Yeah, well, things happen. Wow. That's, uh That's not the reaction I was expecting. [CHUCKLES] Look at him. It's eating him up inside. I don't know. He doesn't seem so put out by the whole thing. Nah, nah, nah, nah. You don't know him like I do. He is dying to take me back. Okay. I'll come back. Bup bup! Nope, you see the sign. Says "no refunds on damaged goods. " Hoo-hoo! [LAUGHING] Oh, he's such a faker. This is gonna be great! I got concerns. It had been two days since my Uncle Marvin's crazy commercial had aired, and when my dad arrived to work, he was surprised to find business was booming. What's with all the people? It's Marvin's farkakte commercial. I think it actually worked! No way. No one's here to see a sweaty samurai. Hey, where's the Sofa Samurai? My kid wants to take a whack at this recliner with that katana. Unfortunately, the Samurai is sick. What? I drove two hours to get here. Uh, which is why you're looking at the Mattress Magician! What's that behind your ear, huh? Don't touch my son. Uh give us a second. You gotta get your brother back. We need him. You know, we're talking about Marvin. I've never once needed him. Until now. His terrible ideas, turns out, are great. - [GROANS] - Fine. You don't want Marvin's help. I'll work on my magic. - Say, what's that behind your - Aah! Stop it. I'll go talk to him. That day, my dad wasn't the only one who was asking for help from the least likely person. Double coupon? Don't mind if I do-pon. Yep, the unthinkable happened. Barry went to my mom for some girl talk. - Hey, Boofaloo. - [SIGHS] As much as it shocks me to say it, you're not just a big-haired, mom-shaped sweater lady. Hurtful, but continue. You helped Rob, which means you're not only a mom. You could actually be a lady bro and help me get girls. Shut your delicious little face! You asked for my help! - Forget it! Forget it. This is a mistake. - Wh No, Barry, look into my eyes. I will take this more seriously than anything I've ever done in my life. I just wanted some advice on how to impress Jamie Weisman. I've already tried both aggressive rapping and casual flexing in a yellow tank top. Uh-huh. Have you considered something simpler? You mean like eating an entire apple in one bite? Or. What if you just talk to her? - Like with a bullhorn? - For now, just be yourself. That's all women really want. Sincerity. Be sincere. So I speak with a British accent and wear a monocle? We'll get you there. And she did. After a little training from his lady bro, Barry was ready to win over his lady. Whoa, whoa. What am I looking at here? Just a boy who took my advice and is now chatting to his future girlfriend. - Are you nuts? - What? What's wrong? Jamie Weisman hangs with the no-good bleacher creatures. They spend every lunch under there smoking and listening to that awful ska music. - And don't get me started on the truancy. - Truancy? Well, that's a gateway to being late for everything in life! And the worst part is, they're always sassing off at the mouth, saying things like "[Bleep] this school" and "[Bleep] Mr. Glascott. " Kids can't speak that way. This is un-[Bleep]-believable. Barry will not be a part of that group. Now, there's the woman I know and fear. Now get in there and break up that boy's good time! Well, I just became his bro. I can't go back to being his mom. But you're the mommiest mom of all the mom I've ever met. I don't know what to do! What you always do. Ruin things. Well, I'd love to, but I just can't get Oh, hey. What's up, bro? Your advice totally worked! Jamie's coming over after school to study! Ohh. She's already coming over to study, huh? That worked better than I thought. I'm sorry I said you're just a mom. You made this happen. You. [LAUGHS] And I feel big feelings about it. I gotta go buy some Drakkar so I smell awesome when we study. [CHUCKLES] Bye. Drakkar?! That is the musk of Europeans on holiday! What have I done? The worst thing any mom could do. You became your son's bro. While my mom was realizing her mistake, my dad was gonna try to win back the Formica King's jester. - [BELLS JINGLING] - Hey, uh, Marvin. You got a sec? Uh, not for you. I'm in the middle of a top-secret project for Formica Mike. J-Just stop jingling and You can come back to my store. I knew it! Sales have plunged since your top salesman left. Sure. If that's what you want to hear. Oh, I want a lot more than that. I shall return to your employ should you meet the following demands. Demand number one. I want stock options. All of them. We're not a public company, moron. There is no stock. I want 100 paid vacation days. That's three months! - I want my own parking spot - No. - toilet - No. - office - No. and I'm going to change the name of the store to Marvin and Brother Furniture Place. All right, forget I asked. [STAMMERING LOUDLY] Hold on. Fine. All you have to say is that you need me. I'm not gonna do that. Just say it, and all your dreams will come true. - I'm not gonna say it. - Just say the words! I don't need you, and I never will! [SCOFFS] Fine. We're finished here. [BREATHES DEEPLY] Leave your basement! Or fine. I will leave. [BELLS JINGLING] As my dad showed Marvin the door, my mom was showing Jamie Weisman Barry's baby book. And now here's Barry with his head - stuck in the banister. - Ooh. And now there he is with his head stuck in the fence. [WHISTLING] What?! We took a two-minute study break so I could get snacks! How did this happen so fast? Relax. I'm just showing your new friend some photos. Bro. A word? Sure thing, bro. Feel free to peruse. There's some great pictures of little Barry making on the potty. [BOTH LAUGH] Or close to the potty. You know. Enjoy. What did you do? I just showed her a photo album. Like a mom. What happened to being my bro? I am your bro. But not when it comes to cool girls with bad intentions. I was right! All you'll ever be is a mom. Dammit, I want to be more! I do! But I just can't stop myself. Well, I can. This is the last time I ask for your help. Ever. - Everything cool? - Yeah. I'm all studied out. I'll see you tomorrow. Just leave the door open when you go. We need to air out the Drakkar stink. After refusing to tell Marvin he needed him, my dad got a surprise visit from a guy who did. Oh, God. I came to say "bravo. " You pulled it off perfectly. What What What are you talking about? - Sabotage. - What? - Sabotage! - What about it? - [WHISPERING] Sabotage. - Stop saying "sabotage"! You let me steal your brother knowing full well that he would destroy my store from the inside. Ohh. What'd he do? First, he mistook the display toilet - for "the real deal. " - Oh, geez. Then he wants to rearrange the stock room. He loses control of the forklift. He pops three water beds. Now I gotta shut down because he flooded my showroom. Formica Mike, listen to me. - This isn't sabotage. - That wasn't sabotage? No. I'm not smart enough, and I know Marvin isn't. Okay. Then, first, I'm gonna fire the putz. Then I'm gonna make him pay for the water beds. Don't do that. I'll pay for it. Why would you do that? Because he really does mean well. You do know that that is the worst thing that you could say about a person? Oh, I'm aware. Here ya go, Ad. Sorry I stole your camera. I guess that's the end of my illustrious film career. It had a lens cap and a case. It sure did, pal. Marvin? Can we, uh, talk? Again? I don't think it's a good idea for me to fraternize with the enemy. Just shut up and listen. I made a deal with Formica Mike. You're coming back to work on Monday at twice the pay. - He tell you about the forklift incident? - Yes. And the miscommunication with the toilet? - Yeah. - He's gonna fire me, isn't he? Do you want to come back or don't you? I don't get it. Why would you take me back with a raise when I'm just your dumb kid brother who "means well"? Well, this time you didn't mean well. You did well. Your stupid commercial is a hit. [Tears for Fears' "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" plays] And I really need you. You said it? He said it. What do you say we make another commercial? Together. In the end, turns out all my Uncle Marvin really wanted was to be needed. And he was. Hey, booper. Brought you a snacky. - Not a prune in sight. - Not hungry. You got a 98 on your Econ test? That's why I studied with Jamie. She gets straight "A's. " Hmm. Guess I made a snap judgment based on some bleachers. I just got worried, and the mom in me kicked in. Whatever. It's my fault for letting you in. No. I want you to let me in. You guys are getting older. You don't need a mom like you used to. But if I'm your friend then I can still be there for you. I got plenty of friends. But I only got one mom. That night, our mom realized she could shine just as bright in Barry's life by being his mom, - while Uncle Marvin - Like that? was enjoying his time in the spotlight. He really does mean well. He really does. Huh! And sometimes the people who mean well end up being the best surprises of all. Mom? What are you doing here? Schmoopie, you were right. I can't be your friend. I'm your mom, and that's what you need, and I am gonna mom it up like you have never seen. - Now? - I've had enough, mister! You're failing half of your classes because of all your wild partying. What are you doing? Oh, you just party so wildly. But it stops today! The same with your cool-but-dangerous stunts! And your antics, which are equally as wild. - Mom! - And you. You're the one who tutored my can't-be-tamed son - the other day, right? - Mm. Um, yeah. Great. Well, now you're gonna tutor him in all his subjects, huh? - [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] - Don't argue with me. What I say is final. Moms, huh? [SIGHS] Yeah. They're the worst. I can't stand this indecision Hai! Come on down to the Ottoman Empire, where the Sofa Samurai is slashing all our prices in half! And I am but a simple radish farmer. Oh, noble warrior, won't you protect us from high prices? ADULT ADAM: That's the thing about family. Everyone has a part to play. And when the people you love are playing themselves, well, that's a show you don't want to miss. [GRUNTS] [SHRIEKS] Crazy Eddie's having a pillow sale! Every pillow you can see big pillows, large pillows, throw pillows, every pillow! And it's only for this special month! Oh! Call a guy and tell him something gross. Ew. Never. I'll take a zit sticker. I knew you'd still be here! Erica! You came home to see me! No, I came home to fight you all for invading my privacy! But Barry said you were fine with it. That is not what I said, Erica. What I told them was Run, JTP! TOGETHER: JTP! Okay, I get you're mad, but can I at least get a kiss before you flip out? Yeah, I'm going back to school. Wait. That's not But I didn't