Best Night Ever

1 But I'm gonna take more now than later get real reckless and wake your neighbors you know how we do every time we're out gonna make you scream and shout pouring shots up in your mouth Are you really going to film everything? Yes. Hi. Hi, Claire. Trust me. One day you'll watch this and thank me for capturing your last night of freedom. So come on, you're on. Okay. Hi, I'm Claire Russell... soon to be Clair Russell-Morris... as I'm getting married next Saturday. Whoo! And we're on our way to Vegas. For my bachelorette party. Whoo! Yeah! I don't know what else to say. I feel stupid. Just say anything. Say whatever you want. I'm in love. With my soul mate Dave Morris... and I can't believe it... but I really did find the one. Punch buggy. Ow. I'm Zoe. I'm Claire's best friend. And not a lot of people know... but when Claire was 12... I taught her how to kiss. Shut up. We need to get everything out in the open. No, but... But seriously. No joke. You are my BFF... and you've always been there for me. Whenever I've been in trouble. Yeah, like... Like anything. You've always been there for me. And even though you're getting hitched... we're still going to have a girls' night out, right? Yes, Zoe. I love this girl. Punch buggy! All right, Leslie, you're up. Pass. Come on. Just say who you are. Leslie bowman, Clair's wiser older sister... only by a couple of years. Five, but who's counting? Yeah, burn. Burn. Sss. I'm sorry. How do you and Claire even know each other? I have a mobile dog grooming business... you know, the kind that go to your house. Oh. Yeah, I've been shaving Claire's muffin for about three years now. Her dog's name is scout. I know. I was talking about her pussy. Punch... Punch... punch pick up. Stickers! Stickers! You guys not from around here? No. Los Angeles. Oh, yeah. We're on our way to Vegas. - Oh, you're on your way to Vegas? - Yeah. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Yeah. Mack mack all dressed in black black black... with silver buttons buttons buttons. All down her back back back. She jumped too high high high... I got her. Oh, daddy, yeah, make 'em say "oh, daddy" I need to pee. Oh, look, champagne. We should grab a bottle. I really gotta pee. Where do we use the restroom? - Outside. - Outside? What did you get? Oh, you got a wine. Whoo! Party in the bathroom. Don't drink all my wine. Is it good? Want some? Yeah. Par... Oh, you're driving. You're driving. Let's start off on a high note I'm the one who put the "I dot" in the "I" and I don't take no from no man no way never gonna give into the know not robot for real, never stand still always on my grind, always gotta bail always gotta elevate and never give in one more breath now, let's begin ... Party with them girls again and all the people in the place are in their places and in their faces lots of friends, bottles in their hands Whoo! Vegas, here we come! Whoo-hoo! We're here! Let's lose control like everything is all right, all right it's real, the way that I feel and we're gonna do it all night, all night let's roll, let's lose control like everything is all right, all right it's real, the way that I feel and we're gonna do it all night, all night all night Okay, let's go over the itinerary. We check into the hotel... penthouse suite of course. Hey, I don't go no penthouse money. Relax. It's on me. Leslie married a rich dude. She's a one-percenter. We'll have a privately catered in-suite dinner... lobster, caviar, the works. Lobster! Then we'll see Celine Dion in concert... front row center seats. Wake up to brunch pool side at the Bellagio. Thank you, Leslie. It sounds amazing. It's very generous of you. Yeah, sounds awesome. But I never heard the words "man-ass" or "footlong" anywhere in your itinerary. That's because it's not that kind of bachelorette party. Oh. What about games? What game? The bachelorette party game. You know, like, getting a random guy. To give us his underwear. Or kissing a dude with a mustache. Uh, no. Cool. Show us your tits! You show us your balls. Show her your balls. Yeah, baby! Welcome to Vegas, girls! The valet. I got racks on racks 'cause I got it like that and you can't beat that with a baseball bat I got it like that, I got it like that I got it like that and you can't beat that with a bat I got it like that, I got it like that I got it like that you can't beat that with a bat, no We have a reservation under the name bowman... Leslie bowman. Okay, have fun, but not too much fun. Love you, too. Bye. What's Dave doing for his bachelor party? His friends got a hotel room. For poker night and "entertainment". You're okay with that? It's his bachelor party. Boys will be boys. But I trust him. Sucker. I have you for one night in the penthouse. Excellent, that's our most opulent suite. It's over 3,000 square feet. With four separate bedroom suites... marble baths, eight flat screens... and a full time Butler. Holy shit, I think I just squirted. Perfect. The room is $4,500 a night... and I'll need a credit card deposit for additional incidentals. I'm sorry, Mrs. Bowman... but your credit card representative would like to speak with you. Wonder what happened. I don't know. Someone got hold of my credit card numbers and just charged up a storm. Oh, no! But the credit card company cancelled the cards. I won't get new cards for a couple of days. I'm sorry. Look, we don't need the penthouse suite anyway. How much for just a normal room? I'm sorry, but we're completely booked. Seriously? Nothing? I wish I could help, but there's a shoe convention this weekend. You're going to have a tough time finding a room anywhere. Check these out! I got us bathrobes. Egyptian cotton, super comfy. You mind if I charge these to the room? What? Okay. Okay, thank you. Bye-bye. Now, it's nothing fancy, but I got us a room. Yeah! This isn't that bad. Oh, God. - What? - Nothing. Nothing. Home sweet home. Ugh. I call bed! - Comfy? - Yes. Very comfy. This place is a dump. No, it's fine. Oh. What's that? It's a black light app. To show us if the sheets are clean. - Ew. - Oh. What? What? Oh, my God, I think they're moving. Janet... Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Oh, God! What's that? Oh, oh. - Over here. - Get them off! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no! This is our room. And there's my pissed-off sister. I can't believe we're staying. It's Vegas. How much time are we gonna spend in the room anyway? Yeah, it's about being together. Well, I am sleeping in the car tonight. Let's go already! I'll be there in a minute! How many kids do you have? Oh, two. My little angels. You? No. No kids for me. Thank you. Okay. To Claire. May you and David. Have a happy, healthy, wonderful marriage. Cheers! Thanks, you guys. You're gonna make me cry. How about we do gifts? Yes. Gifts. Gifts. Gifts. Mine first. Okay. I just hope you don't already have one. Oh, pretty. Isn't it beautiful? I am not wearing this. You have to. It's your bachelorette party. That, and you have to keep it on all night. For the piece de resistance... Oh, it's so pretty, Claire. - Oh, Claire, it got so pretty. - You look hot. Okay, let's just go already. We're gonna be late. Fire. Fire. Your hair's on fire. Cab should be here in a minute. Look at my hair. I'm getting married in seven days. We're going to Caesar's palace. It's Dave. No, let's go already. Hey, honey. You won't believe what just happened to me. Hello? Hello? He butt dialed me. Dave. He can't hear me at all. Dave. Dave. Get on all fours, bachelor boy. Oh, shit. Dave. - Oh, my God. - Dave! I don't think she's okay. Okay, if we don't hurry up, we're gonna miss Celine Dion. Fuck Celine Dion. It's on now. Dj, play my shit again take me off your speakerphone I just wanna freakin' bone party all night, rappin' round fuck it, let's go back in time You guys are so hot you're making my g-string feel like a slip n' slide. You can't film in here. It's totally hidden in my purse. You can't even tell it's a camera. So, do you think that just hearing what happened made you?... And was Dave getting spanked, or was Dave doing the spanking? What do you think? Mas Tequila! And you do know that strippers are just a gateway to hookers? Seriously. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I'm just saying. I mean, you were dating Randy Rosenberg for three years... and he totally cheated on you. Really? Randy Rosenberg? You're going to go there? Wow, thank you so much for being a bitch. Ooh, harsh. Dave's not Randy Rosenberg. Hey! Hey! My best friend's getting married next week. Zoe, no. How much for the vip room? - No. - Yeah! How are you doing, Claire? Tell the camera. I feel uncomfortable. I really don't want a lap dance. It will even the score, you know? Tit for tat. Or tit for dick. And we just spent 200 bucks. I wanna see some of this! Whoa! Yeah, yeah, make it rain. Make it rain. Make it rain! One lap dance and we're out. I promise. It's a charbroiled dodger dog. No way. He's doing the bow tie. The unicorn. I've only heard about this in chat rooms. It's in my eye. Oh! Whoa, whoa. That's it, you're in trouble. What just happened? Beats me. Our time's not up. What the hell do you think you're doing? I don't know. Did you touch Marcus? I don't know. Is he Marcus? Yeah, she touched me down there. No, I didn't "touch" him. Yes, she did. Your thing, which is really substantial... was in my face, so I moved it. - Ma'am. - He was putting his thing all over me. He gave her a unicorn. I'm allowed to touch you... but you're not allowed to touch me. That's the rules. I didn't know the rules. Nobody told me. They're posted everywhere. Well, I didn't know. Sorry. You essentially raped me. Oh, come on. You had your big black dick in my face. I can't believe we got kicked out of a strip club. I know, right? - Where to next? - Here, hold this. It's not even midnight, and it's your bachelorette party. Where are you going? Just wait there. What did she say? I don't know. It's been, like, 20 minutes, and Zoe hasn't come back. Where are you going? To find her. Wait up. I'm coming, too. Where did she go? Zoe. Zoe? Zoe. Zoe. Shh. Zoe, what's going on? Hey. You got the money? Here it is. $300. I'm getting us some coke. Oh, come on, seriously? I'll try coke. You guys, I need a pick-me-up. We do a little bit of blow, we party our asses off. You know, we need to switch up the vibe a little bit. You got our stuff? The money's all there. No, I'm gonna need everything. That is everything. Don't shoot us. Shit. Just don't look at his face. Then he won't have to kill us. We had a deal... $300 for an eight ball. Hey, bitch, I ain't no dealer. I thought valet Parkers had all the connections. Come on. Just give me all your jewelry. Come on. Come on, come on, come on, come on. Come on! Yeah, I want the ring, too. Gimme the ring. I'll take the ring, too. Okay. Thank you. Are those Christian Louboutins? You're wearing a red vest, but you know Louboutins? Don't! Don't sass me! What size are those? Hm? What size are those? Eight and a half. Eight and a half. Eight and a half. All right, I'll take them. My lady's gonna give it up to me tonight. Lucky her. Oh, and the purses. I'll take that purse, too. Stay put! Hey, give it back. Leslie, let him have it! Give it back. Leslie! Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you shot? No. I tackled him and the gun went off... and it just scared him, and he took off. Oh, my God. Leslie, why did you chase him? I don't know. I think some rage just kicked in. You're like the incredible hulk. That's what it is. Thank God, the cops. We gotta go. Why? We'll make a report. I have a warrant out for my arrest. Awesome! For what? The purse! Bobby broke up with me, so I slashed his tires. And keyed my name into his car. I was supposed to go to court two weeks ago. Zoe! Claire, honestly, I don't have time to hear a lecture from you now. Jump. Get in. Oh. God, what's that smell? We're in a dumpster. I know, but it's like rotten fish. We just passed a seafood buffet. All you can eat for $2.99. We should hit that after. Shh, shh. They're right out there. Delta 1-5-6-6, give me a call on your primary 5-5-7-4. Checking the alley. Shh, shh, shh. Shh... I can't breathe. I gotta get outta here. Really? Relax. I can't breathe. She's hyperventilating. You're just having a panic attack. You have to calm down. Shh. 25 years of my life and still I'm trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination Four non blondes? It was their favorite song when they were, like, eight. They used to sing it all the time. It drove me nuts. I realized quickly when I knew I should that the world was made up of this brotherhood of man for whatever that means so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed just to get it all out, what's in my head then I start feeling a little peculiar when I wake in the morning and I step outside I take deep breath I get real high then I scream from the top of my lungs what's goin' on? Uh, nothing here. It's all clear. And I say hey, hey, hey, hey hey, hey, hey I say hey, what's goin' on? And I say hey, hey, hey, hey hey, hey, hey I said hey, what's goin' on? And I try, oh my God, do I try I try all the time in this institution and I pray oh my God, do I pray every single day for a revolution and so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in my bed to get it all out, what's in my head then I... Feeling a little peculiar so I wake in the morning and I step outside I take a deep breath then and I get real high then I scream from the top of my lungs and I say hey, hey, hey, hey hey, hey, hey oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh nah-nah, nah-nah nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah-nah oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh nah-nah, nah-nah nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah You are such a fuck up. But I love you. So, what are we gonna do now? We go home, back to L.A. How? Yeah, we're flat broke. And we need at least a couple hundred bucks just for gas. We can't have anyone wire us the money. Because we don't have ID's to prove who we are. And I'd have Larry drive here and bail us out, but... He doesn't know I'm in Vegas. Can Greg help us? Probably not. Why? You know how when you Google something on the computer... the last word you wrote will pop up? I typed in the letter "M" for Martha's vineyard. I was gonna book a vacation. For our seven year anniversary. Anyway, I typed in the letter the "M"... and the site "Manstalk. La" suddenly appeared. Oh, no. What's Manstalk. La? Greg's password was still entered. That's when I saw it. That is the worse thing I could ever imagine. Which one's you husband? The one in the middle. The irony is palpable. What? Well, there's the eiffel tower... And they're giving him the eiffel tower. So, did you talk to him about it? He filed for legal separation the morning we left for Vegas. And evidently he cancelled all my credit cards. Leslie, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. Thanks. It's hard to talk about. Well, we have it all on tape. If you ever want to watch it back. That's fucking awesome. So what do we do? It's the middle of the night, and we're stuck in Vegas. If we don't get some cash, we're never going to get home. Uh, I've got an idea. No way. This is nuts. I've always wanted to do this. Seriously? It combines my two favorite passions... wrestling and gelatin. And we need the money. Bad. This is gonna be great. Janet, you don't have to do this. I can win. Are you just saying that... or do you actually believe that? I can win. Winner! All right, ladies, who's up next? Now remember. It's amateur night. So any one of you. Who thinks you can pin the reigning champ, Veronica... Will win $500. I'll do it. I'll wrestle her. Looks like we got a taker. Why don't you come on down. And sign these release forms? You gotta love her. Hi, I'm Trevor. I'm Rick. What are you two drinking? Sex on the beach. A girl after my own heart. Nothing for me. Would you excuse us for a second? What are you doing? Those guys are cute. I can't be your wingman. You're not married yet. Zoe, no. Come on. For old times sake. It'll probably be the last time. You'll ever have a chance. Of helping me find my true love. Please? Look, just say yes. They are so cute. Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please... Okay, I'll be your wingman. Everything all right? Totally. I'm Kim. And this is... Antoinette. Drinks, ladies? So, antoinette, what do you do? What brings you to Vegas? Oh, I'm in the shoe business. Right. Right, you're here for the convention. Yup. Yes. Exactly. I'm a cobbler. You're a shoe cobbler, like a... Yes, I cobble. Your eyes are following me? You're cute. And you? Nothing as interesting as that. I'm actually doing my residency right now at Johns Hopkins. You're a doctor. Yeah. Okay, I'm up next. Are you gonna wrestle? Fuck yeah. It was nice talking with you. It was nice meeting you, antoinette. Antoinette? Long story. Are you sure about this? I'm sure. You're leaking. I usually pump and dump before bed. And now for our next bout... weighing in at 129 pounds... hailing from Simi valley, California... ladies and gentlemen, Janet Simmons. Wish me luck. Can you see my c-section scar? Uh, no, not at all. How was that guy? Fine. Fine? He's cute. And defending her title as wrestling champion of Las Vegas... Veronica! All right, I want a good clean fight, all right? Keep it clean, but, you know, make it dirty. And remember, the winner gets $500. Come on, Janet! You gonna die tonight. Jesus Christ. Is she gonna die? Janet, are you okay? Son of a bitch. Help her, she's bleeding. I bit my tongue. I bit my tongue. I'm okay. I'm okay. Did I win? You got you ass kicked. I did? Pretty bad, actually. At one point, you cried. Bummer. I thought I lost. You did get $300 just for trying. Whoo! Yes! Yeah! Janet, you did it. Get me out of these. I don't wanna go to the hospital. Well, that's where you're going so... I'm not bleeding. I'm okay. I'm not bleeding. Pathetic. Excuse me? She's too old to be wrestling. Come on, look at her. Fuck you. Leslie, it's okay. It's not okay. You apologize. No. My friend has more guts and courage. Than you could ever know. You apologize. Fuck you, you crazy bitch. Don't touch me. You apologize. Don't touch her! Go! Where are we? I don't know. How are we gonna get back? There's no taxis. We'll have to walk. We should probably take these pills then. Where'd you get those? I swiped them from the ambulance. What are they? I have no idea. I'm not going to take just some random pill. It could be anything. And there's only two. I took one already. Are you crazy? I took one, too. Leslie. And I got a whole bottle. Mm-hm. What? They're not dead. Look how happy they are. Come, Claire. Stop peer-pressuring me. This is not high school. I'm not taking it. Let's go let's loose control like everything is all right, all right it's real, the way that I feel and we gonna do it all night, all night let's roll, let's lose control like everything is all right, all right it's real, the way that I feel and we gonna do it all night all night r-o-t to n let's roll it up and breathe again I hate to lose, I need to win now move the crowd, let's squeeze it in two girls around the outside drank too much, they found me outside that's right, I'm a party star feelin' all right at the Mardi Gras who's ready to party? Who came here to dance who's running on a hotty tryin' to get in her pants? I know I am I'm guilty as charged only brought $5 but I'm buying the bar let's go, let's lose control like everything is all right, all right it's real, the way that I feel and we gonna do it all night, all night let's roll, let's lose control like everything is all right, all right it's real, the way that I feel and we gonna do it all night, all night put your hands up We should play those games now. The bachelorette party games? Play to 21? Wait, what happens if we don't get to 21? Your marriage is doomed. Doomed. Well then, we better play to 21! Yeah! Put your hands up let's start off on a high note I'm the one who put the "I dot" in the "I" in the I don't take sh... From no man no way never gonna give in to the no... Oh, well, never stand still always on my grind, always gotta bail always gotta elevate and never give in one-one-one more breath, now let's begin here we go, open wide, there's my soul it's on display so you can touch it I touch you back because you love it one, two, three, I'm in the zone, I'm in 3d if you can't take it, shake and bake it you're the cook, life is what you make it you're at the summer party with them girls again and all the in their places are in their places and in their faces are lots of friends bottles in their hands, huh they pop in there maybe, they pop in there jump jump, everybody, jump get high, get dumb, get f... Up throw... Off the floor like Jordan fly off the ground, saying you in the orbit so high no one can touch you so far lady can't tell what you're up to throw like a slam dunk p-p-p-arty over here, wanna party, you can all come I-I-I-I feel the bass and you feel the bass, and it's pumpin' down deep down below and inside my chest like a heartbeat - dance - dance feel the wind and inside my head I'm a wild boy this is all for fun feels like I'm walking on the sun you're at the summer party with them girls again and all the in their places are in their places and in their faces are lots of friends bottles in their hands, huh they pop in there maybe, they pop in there you're at the summer party with them girls again and all the in their places are in their places and in their faces are lots of friends bottles in their hands, huh they pop in there maybe, they pop in there jump jump, everybody, jump get high, get dumb, get f... Up throw... Off the floor like Jordan fly off the ground, saying you in the orbit so high no one can touch you so far lady can't tell what you're up to throw like a slam dunk p-p-p-arty over here, wanna party, you can all come I-I-I-I feel the bass and you feel the bass, and it's pumpin' down deep down below and inside my chest like a heartbeat - dance - dance feel the wind and inside my head I'm a wild boy this is all for fun feels like I'm walking on the sun you're at the summer party with them girls again and all the in their places are in their places and in their faces are lots of friends bottles in their hands, huh they pop in there maybe, they pop in there you're at the summer party with them girls again and all the in their place are in their place Where's Janet? I don't know. Stop the car. Pull over! Pull over! Pull over right now! Pull over! It's the last challenge, and we can't afford a limo. Whoo! Ooh! I am loving me some fucked up Claire. Fucked up Claire! Fucked up Claire! Fucked up Claire! Fucked up Claire... Yeah! You know what fucked up Claire does? Fucked up Claire flashes her tits out the sunroof, yeah! Fucked up Claire, yeah! Believe it or not, I don't have a lot of girlfriends. - No. - No, seriously. My day's packed. I wake up, feed the twins... give Larry his morning cup of coffee and blowjob. I get home, watch duck dynasty... have glass of box ros... blow Larry again and crash. You blow your husband twice a day? Well, yeah, you have to reciprocate the cunnilingus. Yo, full disclosure. I kinda invited myself to Claire's bachelorette party. To make some new friends. - Aw. - Aw. Eat my ass and learn how to fucking drive! Oh, my God. I need to get laid. Dude. No. No, I need to get back in the saddle and get over my marriage. You go, girl. I need a guy like Larry. Yeah. Yeah. I want my ring back. Sorry, honey. That's not gonna happen. The guy's long gone, and so is your ring. No, that's the guy that robbed us. I want my ring back. Oh, my God. Is that him? It looks like him. It's fucking him, all right. He had a gun to my face, and I looked at him dead in the eye. Claire's right. It is him. I'm not getting married without my ring. Well, what do we do? It's because of me your ring got taken. So I'm gonna get your ring back. Did you get everything? - Oh. - Oh. Oh, cool. Where'd you get all this stuff? The mini-mart. They had everything. They sell stun guns at the mini-mart? They do in Vegas. What is this for? It's to conceal our identities. In case anyone sees us. It's to cover your face. Here. Oh. Here. How do I look? Pretty cool actually. The green brings out your eyes. Thanks, Janet. Hey. This yellow's mine. Are you crazy? With your pale complexion, you should wear orange. It doesn't matter. Here, take that. Great, so you're taking yellow? Leslie. Does everyone know the plan? Now let's get my motherfucking ring back. L-I-let the shots come t-t-till the cops call c-c-cock back and ready, let the shots come t-t-till the cops call Get him! Get him! What the fuck? Get him. Get his gun, Janet. It's not here. No gun. No gun. Get off me. Get off me. Get in the car, bitch! What the hell? What do you want from me? I want my ring! I'm not getting married without my ring! I don't have your ring. Damn, Claire. You messed with the wrong girls. Check his pockets. There's over $500 here. That's our money. Anything else? I'm sorry, Claire. Your ring's not here. Maybe he pawned it or something. Or maybe it's at his house with the rest of our shit. Driver? Yeah? Take us to 972 Filbanks Avenue. Where the hell is that? I'll map it. Do you guys think maybe we should just ditch him. And the stolen limo and get out while we still can? No? That's the house. Gimme the keys. I'm going in. What if someone else is there? I'll knock on the door, and if someone answers... I'll say I'm looking for... - Charlie. - Charlie. Are we even sure this is the guy that robbed us? What do you mean? This guy is wearing a tie. So? I distinctly remember the guy who robbed us. Was not wearing a tie. Obviously, he put on a tie. I checked the house, but no ring. But I found these. My Christian Louboutins. It is him. You asshole. Oh. When he comes to... we'll find out where your ring is. Leslie? I don't know if it's all the pills... or the whole, you know, home-invasion thing. It's just a little stressful. This is really good weed. How do you know? I'm a daily toker. You are? I wake and bake. Otherwise, I'm really uptight. Let's teach Charlie here a lesson. He victimized us... and now it's time for a little payback. What are you gonna do, Janet? Big deal, you shaved off an eyebrow. - No good? - Not for what he did to us. Yeah, you're right. That was bullshit. That was just me getting warmed up. In girl with the dragon tattoo... Lisbeth was raped by this pig, this asshole... so she tied him up and tattooed his chest... "I'm a rapist pig"... Or something like that. I don't remember exactly. Janet, what are you writing? Gimme his phone. I'm gonna take a picture. And send it to every one of his contacts. Yes, and now every one of Charlie's Facebook friends. Know that he's a "rapping pig." Raping pig. Yeah, but you spelled it, "rapping." And he robbed us altogether. Fuck. We have to humiliate this piece of shit. Once and for all... so forever he is punished for what he did to us. Whoa, Janet, what are you doing? I'm going to piss in his face. - No. - Don't do it. That's even too hardcore for me. Whizz away, girlfriend. Whizz away. Janet, don't. That's so gross. No. I'm gonna defile him the same way he defiled us. They're tight. Why are they so tight? They don't fit anymore. He's coming to. Ask him where your ring is. Where's my ring? Tell me where my ring is. These are size seven. These are size seven. So? Mine's an eight and a half. These aren't my shoes. That's not the valet that robbed us. That's not the valet who robbed us. Hey! What the hell are you doing to our son? Oh, God. Oh, my... Oh, shit. Suzie, get the shotgun. Don't do it, Suzie. You move one inch... and my friend here will put 300 thousand volts of electricity. Into your son's nut sack. You want grandkids, don't you? Dead battery. Come on, get the gun. Goddamn it! Go, go, go, go... Let's roll. You went through the whole house. And you didn't see his parents there? It was dark and I'm hammered. You pooped on an innocent man's face. I have a nervous stomach. I'm not proud of it. And we electrocuted him and we stole all his money. We have his address. We'll reimburse him. We'll send him a "get well soon" card. I'm sorry, Claire, we didn't get your ring back. I think it's time that we ditch the stolen vehicle. And definitely take more pills. Nope. Which one's our room? Fuck, I don't know. They all look the same. I'm so wasted. Hey, who ordered more girls? What the... what the hell? Come on in. What's a bachelor party without a little talent? No, Claire, let's just go. No. Where's the bachelor? Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike... No. No. Who are these chicks? You're getting married. Married tomorrow, but single tonight. How do you think your fiance would feel. If she knew what you're doing? Is that a camera? - No. - No. Yeah, it is. You've got a fucking camera. You been filming this? Leave her alone, you raisin dick. Give that to me. Claire. Get your fucking hands off her. Oh, yeah? Rick? Get out. Come on. Out. Out. Oh, God. We gonna hook up or what? What happened to Claire? Where's Claire? I don't know. I think she ran off with that guy. Claire! What's up? I'm looking for Claire. Claire! Claire. She's driving off with that guy. We have to go after her. Hey, don't cock block. She's a big girl. Yeah, but she's drunk. And I don't want her doing something. That she's going to regret. Let's go. I can't believe you had those guys come over. Why not? Because Claire's getting married next Saturday. She was my wingman. Okay. Sorry. Okay, so I'll just wait here then? Hurry, start the car up. Let's go. There. Take a left. Come on, we can catch up, go. There. There. Catch up. Come on. Quick, they're getting away. Go, Janet, go. Hurry. Go, go, go, go, go! Hurry. Go! Put your foot on it! Go. You okay? Are you okay? I'm fine. And there's no real damage here, so it's cool. No real damage? You guys all right? Yeah. What happened? Where are you going? Hey. Get back here. Shit, there's no sign of them. Wait, is that them? That's them. That's them. Make a right. Make a right. They're going in the parking garage. Here. Here. Park. Park. If we keep going there you think you're going anywhere I don't think so if we keep going there you think you're going anywhere Fifth floor. Okay. Follow me. Hurry, Zoe, hurry. Hurry. Fifth floor. There she is. - Claire. - Claire. Claire. They're in there. I can see them. Shit. Don't do it, Claire. They turned out the lights. Open up. Go away. Open up now! Hey! Claire, you're making a big mistake! Goddamn it, I was just about to come. Oh, man. Who the hell are you? Uh, housekeeping. Wrong room. Which room did she go in? I'm not sure. Zoe, don't! What are you doing here? You dirty little slut. What? I didn't do anything. I mean, it's not like he didn't try, but I love Dave. And I'm getting married. Shouldn't we be evacuating? There's no fire. There's no fire. - It was Zoe. - You! Come back here. I think we should go. Hey, come back here! I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna fucking kill you! Hey! Get back here! Get back here! I'm gonna fucking kill you! Claire. Claire. Morning. How was your bachelor party? Right? Well, that happens. No, nothing special. Okay. Love you, too. Bye. Well, what happened? He said that he lost $300 at poker... got shit-faced drunk... had a stripper whip him... then he puked and he blacked out. That's it? And you believe him? He doesn't know he butt dialed me. He could have lied about the stripper. Where's Leslie? Whoo-hoo! You did it. You got laid! Walk of shame. Walk of shame. My head is killing me. How many pills did we take? Last night was crazy. Fucking crazy. I want you to have this. Your wedding ring? I wasn't wearing it last night. It was in my suitcase the whole time. Leslie, I can't. My marriage is over... but yours is just beginning. You're my little sister. You can't get married without a ring, right? Thanks. Wow, it's actually much bigger than mine, so... Zoe, did you record everything last night? Like everything everything? Like, you know what I mean? - Let's have a look. - Wait. No, I don't wanna watch. The whole thing was like... All right, we won't watch it then. Fuck that, I'm watching it. They're getting away! Go! Go! I'm glad we interrupted your orgasm! Please evacuate. Elevators are inoperable during a fire alarm. Please use stairs. Please evacuate. Elevators are inoperable during a fire alarm. Please use stairs. Oh, shit. Now please, will someone. Tell me why that large woman was attacking us? I made a list of all the things I would... I thought I'd give it a try don't push me down, don't leave me flat on my back you know I'm sick and now I'm under attack hooah, hooah do all the things I wish I thought of before to many, too many nights on the floor took the wrong way I got so lost, so step up step up, step up, step up give me one, give me two, give me three now, baby, give me store baby, give me the store whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh yeah! I know your face, I think I've seen you before yeah, what's the difference, I'm just looking... Got nothing, women, you know better than that you ain't no diplomat I take it slowly for a minute or two could take 'em all or leave it from you I'm always searching for something new so step up step up, step up, step up give me one, give me two, give me three now give me, give me the store whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh baby, give me the store whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh baby, give me the store whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh oh, baby, give me the store whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh I'm gonna give it a try I wanna give it a try yeah! Step up, step up, step up step up, step up, step up step up, step up, step up give me one, give me two, give me three now, baby, give me the store yeah! Let's start off on a high note I'm the one who put the "I dot" in the "I" in the I don't take sh... From no man no way never gonna give in to the no... Oh, well, never stand still always on my grind, always gotta bail always gotta elevate and never give in one-one-one more breath, now let's begin here we go, open wide, there's my soul it's on display so you can touch it I touch you back because you love it one, two, three, I'm in the zone, I'm in 3d if you can't take it, shake and bake it you're the cook, life is what you make it you're at the summer party with them girls again and all the in their places are in their places and in their faces are lots of friends bottles in their hands, huh they pop in there maybe, they pop in there jump jump, everybody, jump get high, get dumb, get f... Up throw... Off the floor like Jordan fly off the ground, saying you in the orbit so high no one can touch you so far lady can't tell what you're up to throw like a slam dunk p-p-p-arty over here, wanna party, you can all come they pop in there they pop in there they pop in there they pop in there I'm about to get it on, take my breath lace up quick, take my step I'm here to get it done, but I got a middle finger in the air like oh no, oh no h-h-he didn't do what I think he did oh, no, silver tongue, they be shuffling in in old clothes where the money at? New angle let's move to the... No angel you're at the summer party with them girls again and all the in their places are in their places and in their faces are lots of friends bottles in their hands, huh they pop in there maybe, they pop in there love, love, who needs it anyway? Can you tell me, please? I love that boy, he's oh, so cute but he drives me crazy why, why do I even try? It's a hopeless case he sleeps all day, he plays all night never listens to what I say love, love, can't live without love not I without my girl she's sugar and spice and all things nice but she drives me crazy why, why do I even try when it's a hopeless case? She works all day and worries much she's always getting on my case when I look into your eyes, the truth is plane to see I could never live without you you're the one for me I would rather argue with you than wake up with someone else 'cause when you hold me close you take my breath away love, love, life would be so much easier without love love, love, can't imagine what such life would be worth why, why can't you try for me to be on time for once? Pick the laundry off the floor for God sakes put the seat down tell me, tell me, baby why you always need to talk things out life's to short to sweat the small stuff you're always stressing out when I look into your eyes, the truth is plane to see I could never live without you you're the one for me I would rather argue with you than wake up with someone else 'cause when you hold me close you take my breath away - when I look - when I look into your eyes - into your eyes - the truth is plane to see - cannot have - I could never live without you - but realize - you're the one for me - you're the only - I would rather argue with you - one for me - than wake up with someone else - there's no one else - 'cause when you hold me close - in the whole world - you take my breath away that's for me What can I get you? I'll have a double cheeseburger... extra onions, fries, and a diet coke. I don't see a salad. Could you make me one? We don't have salad. We just have burgers, fries, and drinks. Oh, please? They do do a burger without the bun. Where they do wrap the burger in lettuce. Okay, I'll do that. Oh, and dressing on the side. You want, like, a hamburger... cheeseburger, double? Actually, just do a grilled cheese. Do a grilled cheese, and you want it wrapped in lettuce? Yes, please. Okay, so grilled cheese... and you said you didn't want the bread on it but on the side? Yes, thank you. Do you want onions on it? No onions. So lettuce, tomatoes only. You want pickles or anything else? No pickles. Okay, so lettuce, tomato only. On that grilled cheese protein style... And you wanted the side of bread. There you go. And is that just the sandwich... or would you like a drink or French fry with that? No, just the sandwich. - Okay. - Okay.