It Takes Two


 * Vincenzo: Miss Kensington says "fashionably late" was an hour ago. What seems to be the problem?
 * Carlo: I'm a hairdresser. Not a zookeeper.




 * Amanda: [as Alyssa, after eating escargot] All this money, and these people eat slugs?!




 * Amanda: [as Alyssa] Ladies and gentlemen, normally, I'd be tickled to play a selection from... [briefly eyes the sheet music cover: "Frederic Chopin- Eight Pieces for the Piano"] ... Chopin, but in honor of my new stepmother, whom I absolutely adore, I've decided to play a little something of my own.




 * [Roger and Vincenzo watch Amanda as Alyssa banging on the piano keys at the engagement party]
 * Roger: You think maybe my daughter's asking for a little attention?
 * Vincenzo: I'd say she's demandin' it.
 * [Amanda bangs the final notes]
 * Roger: Hmm.




 * Roger: I made my money the old fashion way - pure dumb luck.




 * Diane: [to the main office of child services on the phone] Let me just run this by you one more time, okay? Please, just hear me out, one more time. Okay. I know I don't make that much money, and I know that I'm a little bit single, but I want to adopt Amanda.
 * [Anderson laughs on the other end]
 * Diane: No, I... Are you laughing at me? [to Patty] He's laughing at me! [to phone] You... You stupid JERK! [hangs up in fury]




 * [after the macaroni spills on Roger's head, Diane laughs and snorts as quietly as she can]
 * Roger: Excuse me, ma'am. Did you just snort?
 * [Diane shakes her head, snorts, and laughs again]
 * Roger: I suppose you think this is funny? [picks up a butterknife w/a bit of butter on it] Well, maybe you'll get a little chuckle outta this.
 * Diane: You wouldn't dare.
 * [Roger flings the butter on her; Diane yelps]
 * Diane: FOOD FIGHT!!!
 * [a food fight breaks out]




 * [Diane storms into the office after after Alyssa, as Amanda, was "adopted" by the Butkises]
 * Diane: You were supposed to protect her! You should've done something. Y-Y-You could've slit their tires or something! Anything!
 * Jerry: They had the paperwork!
 * Diane: What paperwork?!
 * Patty: [hands Diane the paperwork] We couldn't find you! Miss Van Dyke was here. What did you want us to do, lie in front of the van, for God's sake?!
 * Diane: I would have! [drops the paperwork] I'm takin' the Jeep! [takes the keys to the Jeep]
 * Jerry: Hey, that's the camp's!
 * Diane: [furiously] Oh, don't you even...! [storms off]




 * Clarice: Where the hell is everybody? Vincenzo!
 * [Amanda and Vincenzo have heard the whole thing]
 * Vincenzo: I sure hope you got a plan.




 * Harry Jr.: We've been looking for you, Your Highness.
 * [he kneels to Alyssa and presents her with a makeshift crown made out of an old can]
 * Alyssa: [annoyed] Leave me alone.
 * Brenda: But, Your Majesty, we brought you something.
 * Billy: Yeah. Something to make you feel more at home.
 * [he has a plunger in his hand as a makeshift scepter]




 * [Alyssa sits on a pile of scrap with her makeshift crown, cape, and scepter]
 * Billy: Here's your royal throne, "Alyssa Callaway"!
 * [the other kids laugh]
 * Billy: Hail Betty, Queen of the scrap heap!
 * All Butkis Kids: Hail Betty!
 * [they kneel before Alyssa]
 * Alyssa: But my name's Alyssa Callaway!
 * Harry: Yeah, right. And I'm Princess Di.




 * [the helicopter flies across New York City, on the way to St. Bart's]
 * Alyssa: We'll never make it! We only have 10 minutes!
 * Diane: So, Lou!
 * Lou: Yeah?
 * Diane: How close can you land this thing to the church?
 * Lou: Central Park close enough?
 * Diane: Central Park? The Central Park? That'll do.




 * [Diane and Alyssa spot a horse-drawn carriage; Alyssa gets on]
 * Diane: Oh, no. NOT another horse!
 * Alyssa: Diane, come on!
 * Diane: All right.
 * [she gets into the carriage]
 * Diane: Where is the driver?
 * [she notices that the driver is at the hot dog stand, eating hot dogs]
 * Diane: Oh! Hey, Buddy! Listen, you gotta take us to St. Bart's right away! It's an emergency!
 * Driver: [mouthful] We're closed, Miss. I'm on my break!
 * [Diane turns to Alyssa, and cocks her head, signaling her to get in the driver's seat and take the reins; Diane gets in the passenger seat and turns angrily to the driver]
 * Diane: I wanna thank you for all your help, Bud!
 * Alyssa: [whips the reins] HYAH!
 * [the horse runs off, pulling the carriage; Diane falls backwards into the seat; the driver notices and runs after his horse]
 * Driver: [still mouthful] Hey. Hey, lady! Hey, that's...
 * [he spits]
 * Driver: [screams clearly] THAT'S MY HORSE!!!!!




 * [Alyssa and Diane arrive at the front steps of the church]
 * Alyssa: Aren't you coming?!
 * Diane: [stammers] Uh, no, I think I'm just gonna wait for Amanda out here.
 * Alyssa: Diane Barrows! Get your butt up here this... instant!
 * Diane: Okay. Okay. Maybe I'll just stand in the back and take a little look-see.




 * Clarice: This is all YOUR fault!
 * [she is about to slap Amanda (posing as Alyssa) but is stopped by Vincenzo]
 * Vincenzo: [furiously] Lady, if you touch that child, I'll POP you one, so help me God!
 * [Clarice storms off and sees the real Alyssa, then Amanda, and she does a double take]
 * Clarice: Oh, my God! There's two of them! It's a conspiracy! [laughs and smiles] Well, at least I'll get to hit one of you.
 * [she reaches over to slap Alyssa, but Diane stops her]
 * Diane: HEY! Back off, "Barbie". And by the way, you have a little, tiny bit of something right here on your teeth.
 * [she points to Clarice having lipstick on her teeth]
 * Clarice: I have never been more humiliated in my LIFE!
 * [she heads out the door, when...]
 * Alyssa: Wanna bet?
 * [she steps on the hem of Clarice's wedding gown, pulling her skirt down and exposing her underpants in front of the guests; they all laugh and take photographs]
 * Clarice: Oh, my God! [shrieks] Daddy! [runs out in humiliation] Oh, my God!




 * Alyssa: [to Amanda] Told ya, third time's the charm.
 * Roger: W-wait a minute. All of this? This was your doing?
 * [both Amanda and Alyssa nod their heads in unison]
 * Diane: Oh, it WAS, was it?
 * [the girls nod their heads in unison again]
 * Roger: Well, ladies, what do you have to say for yourselves?
 * Amanda and Alyssa: So kiss already!