Girls Just Want to Have Sums

Dad, taking the family to opening night is the nicest thing you've ever done for us. Or will ever do. I can't wait to see this re-imagining of Itchy and Scratchy by avant-garde director. Juliana Krellner. Hey, it says here the book was written by Tom Stoppard. This isn't a book, it's a play. (LAUGHING) BOOK. (TRIBAL CHANTS) All hail the king of the cats. (CHANTING CONTINUES) (GASPS) They're coming down the aisles. What if they want to interact with me? Looking through my purse, looking through my purse... Keep walking, monkey. Don't worry, Mom, they all passed by. (SIGHS) (GIBBERING) (CHUCKLING) (SINGING) Itchy, Scratchy, Itchy, Itchy, Scratchy. Itchy, Scratchy, Itchy, Itchy, Scratchy. From the day you are born in the alley. To the day you are hit by a car. Itchy, Scratchy, Itchy, Itchy, Scratchy. There's cream to drink. And mice to eat. And great big balls of yam. Itchy, Scratchy, Itchy, Itchy, Scratchy. It's the circle... The circle of... Knife! (LAUGHING) (GROANING) I love the use of streamers as blood. It robs the violence of its power. Whoo-hoo! I'm drenched in blood! (MUSIC PLAYING) I don't know why I trust him. I guess some cats just never learn. I feel so good. When I have crushed him (SOBBING) Or left him mangled, maimed and burned Both: I suppose it's symbiotic. And perhaps a bit erotic 'Cause pain is my narcotic You really liked it? Yes, I loved it. And that's why we're always... Fighting and biting. And dynamite igniting (EXPLOSION) Check it out! I'm Scratcher or something! (SINGING) It's the circle... The circle of knife. Yes, the circle... The circle of knives (APPLAUSE) Man: Bravo! Woman: Genius! Necessary! I insist on seeing the director. Thank you, thank you. It's such a thrill for me to be back in my hometown, Springfield. She also graduated from Springfield Elementary. (GASPS) Principal Skinner! (CHUCKLES) You know, Juliana, it's no surprise you became such a success. You always got straight A's in school. Well, I remember getting a "B" or two in math. (CHUCKLES) Well, of course you did. You are a girl. (ALL GASP) No. All... All I meant was, from what I've seen, boys are better at math, science. The real subjects. There, that should put the matter behind us. (ALL GASP) Calm down, calm down. I'm sure principal Skinner didn't mean girls are inherently inferior. No, of course not. I don't know why girls are worse. Uh, one thing we can all agree on, though, this little lady sure looks pretty tonight. Am I right? (CROWD JEERING) (GRUNTING) (CROWD BOOING) (CHANTING) Two, four, six, eight. Step the man from teaching hate. Eight, six, four, two. We do math as good as you. One, two... Skinner! You've got to deal with these kooks. Don't worry, I have a plan. Pretend I agree with them. Well, you'd better hurry. Look what they've done to your car. No, that's how it always looks. Oh, how sad. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Today, we celebrate the first of many, many, many, many diversity forums. Why is it that women “appear“ to be worse at math than men? What is the source of this “illusion? Or as I call it, the biggest lie ever told? You're a worse version of Hitler! Please believe me, I... I understand the problems of women. See? (ALL GASP) Ha-ha! The principal's a tranny. Am I wearing women's clothing? I didn't notice. When I look in my closet, I don't see any male clothes or female clothing. They're all the same. Are you saying that men and women are identical? Oh, no, of course not! Women are unique in every way. Now he's saying women and men aren't equal. No, no, no. It's the differences, of which there are none, that make the sameness exceptional. Just tell me what to say. (HYPERVENTILATING) Oh, dear. Um, attention, students. Due to nervous exhaustion and diarrhea of the mouth... (ALL LAUGHING) Yes, yes, yes, I said "diarrhea." Principal Skinner is going to be replaced by women's educational expert, Melanie Upfoot. Children, meet your new principal. (ALL GASP) For too long, there's been an anti-woman bias in math. Boys are aggressive, obnoxious, and never let us be heard. From now on, I am splitting the school in two, separating the boys and the girls forever. (ALL GASP) You heard your principal. Girls on the left, boys on the right. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) This rocks! No more stupid girl classes, like ballroom dancing. Oh, no, that's still mandatory for everybody. Willie? (MUSIC PLAYING) Now, this is why I got into education. They're going to divide the school in two? Yeah, one for boys and one for girls. It is going to be awesome! Now I can walk down the hall with Bart Jr. hanging out. Isn't that right, Bart Jr.? (CROAKING) All this hoo-haw about girls and math is silly. Women are as smart as men. Why, a woman invented Liquid Paper. Well, do you know what a man invented? Actual paper. Well, a woman also invented the windshield wiper. Which goes great with another male invention, the car. Um... (STAMMERING) I think a woman came up with nylon stockings. I mean, probably. We certainly use them. Let's see, men also have rocket ships, suspension bridges, constitutional government, snow shoes, brass knuckles... (GROWLING) ...pinball machines, the Renaissance... Oh, why did women invent sleeping on the couch? (BRAKES SCREECH) Girls' entrance. Have an empowering day, my pony-loving leaders of tomorrow. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) All right, I'm going to open this cage, but no biting! You're not the boss of my teeth! (GASPS) It's so beautiful! Ooh! Paintings by female artists! (GASPS) Frida Kahlo, Georgia O'Keefe... (GASPS) Cathy Guisewite! Now that the boys and their atmosphere of intimidation are gone, we can finally breathe. Breathe, ladies. (ALL BREATHE DEEPLY) Now, let's buckle down and do some math. Yes! (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) How do numbers make you feel? What does a plus sign smell like? Is the number seven odd, or just different? Are we going to do any actual math problems? "Problems"? (SCOFFS) That's how men see math, something to be attacked, to be "figured out." But, isn't it? I mean, confidence building cant replace real learning. Uh-oh, Lisa. Sounds like you're trying to derail our self-esteem engine. Let's sing it back on the tracks! (SINGING) The best thing I can ever be. Is to be okay with me (All) Me! (QUACKING) Okay, boys' school, I need a challenge. (GROWLING) A mental challenge. (LOW GROWL) Ugh! Now, boys, who can tell me the volume of this snowman? Anyone? Just add the volume of the spheres. We know the radii. He forgot the volume of the carrot nose, one-third base times height. Oh, math, I have missed you! (Seymour) No girls allowed! Principal Skinner? It's Groundskeeper Skinner now. Assistant Groundskeeper, you puke! Assistant Groundskeeper Skinner, don't you think it's wrong that I can't get the best math education because I'm a girl? (SIGHS) I don't have any opinions anymore. All I know is that no one is better than anyone else, and everyone is the best at everything. Not you. You're the worst! Now get poisoning those squirrels. (CHEEPING) (EXCLAIMING) (BREATHING HEAVILY) Please, be reasonable. (STAMMERING) I'm sure we can... (GAGGING) Mom, the girls' school is a joke, and I'm not allowed to take the boys' math. When I was in school, I loved math. until... Hey, Professor Von Hubba-hubba! Want to hop in my dune bug and erode some beach? Oh, I'd love to, but I've got my Calculus final tomorrow. Come on, baby. The only math you need is you plus me equals forever. Oh, Homie! (TIRES SCREECHING) Since then, I haven't been able lo do any of the calculus. I've encountered in my daily life, but that's not going to happen to you. Well, what can I do? They won't let me in the boys' school. Yes, unless... There. You're the perfect little he-she. Mom, I don't think this will fool anybody. Hey, who's the rude dude with the attitude? He's one of Bart's friends. Mmm-hmm. You seem cool. Want to catch a movie? You never take our kids to the movies. Let's not fight in front of my cool new friend. (BOTH GRUNTING) Ow! What are you playing? Punch for a punch. (BOTH GRUNTING) Both: Ow! So, what's your name, newbie? I'm, uh... Jake. That's your Christian name. What's your surname? Uh... Boy-man... Boyman. Jake Boyman. You have toilet paper on your shoe. (CHUCKLES EMBARRASSEDLY) Yeah, I guess I do. I'm going to call you Toilet. My name isn't Toilet. It's Jake. Hey, a talking toilet! (LAUGHING) (All) (CHANTING) Toilet! Toilet! Class, settle down. We have a new student today. His name is Jake Boyman. He likes the Hardy Boys, boy scouts, boy bands, Chef Boyardee, and he is a boy. What are you drawing? A robot with guns for arms shooting a plane made out of guns that fires guns. Lisa: Mmm. (Mister Peirce) Everyone take out your math books, come on. Now, how many different numbers can Y be? That's easy, just one. The number five. Wrong. (GASPS) There are two possible solutions, five and negative five. Lisa: Oh, my God, I was wrong! And by being corrected, I learned! And no one cared about my feelings! (CHUCKLES) Psst! I drew a picture of you being shot by a gun. Ha-ha! Mmm. (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Hey, Toilet. (LAUGHING) Just kidding, bro. They used to razz me when I was new here. It'll pass. Hey, Mildew. Do you like tongue twisters? Boy, do I! (GROANS) I'm sorry. Do you want a jawbreaker? Boy, do I! (GRUNTS) (GROANS) So do you miss having the girls around? No. Girls never really got me. Did you know Lisa Simpson? I heard she was pretty cool. Lisa? Oh, yeah, we totally had a thing, but I had to break it off. What the hell are you talking about? She got too clingy. Milhouse doesn't do clingy. I have to go. That was my eating food! (WHIMPERS) (All) (CHANTING) Fight! Fight! Fight! Lisa: Okay, I can talk my way out of this. Nelson, you're not really angry at me. You're full of rage 'cause your father abandoned you. (GRUNTING) And because you're poor, so you don't feel like you're good enough. You just want somebody to say, "I love you." I love you. I love you, too, Nelson. I love you, Jimbo. Hey, every joke has a kernel of truth! (GRUNTS) (GROANS) Eep! (LAUGHING) Hey, Lis, you missed it. While you were at girls' school, Nelson totally whaled on this dork. (LAUGHING) (LISA SOBBING) Oh, my God. That's right. I'm Toilet. (LAUGHING) Toilet. So, did you tell Mom you got beat up? Not yet. If I do, she'll never let me go to the boys' math class again. Hey, no one with a choice should ever have to be a girl. I'll teach you how to be a boy. You'd do that for me? That is so sweet. You're a boy, nothing is sweet. Ow! That hurt. Sweet. Bart: Now, when you eat like a boy, only two french fries in five should make it into your mouth. (CHOMPING) If they fall on the floor, you want 'em more. Because then they come with extra toppings. (GAGS) I'm gonna be sick. Awesome! Do it in that guy's bag while he's not looking. I am looking, and don't start a puke war that you cannot finish. Good night. So, do you want to Wang Chung tonight? I don't know. I'm still frowny with you. Do you really think women are mentally inferior? Well, uh, honey, you're just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with you, I feel like I'm doing it with a dude. (growls) Oh. Well, I won't be lonely. I can always cuddle with the dog. Mmm. At least everyone knows I'm smarter than you. Oh, how did this happen? Ah, now I've been every ball on the playground! (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) Now, for your final test. To fully become a man, you must pick a fight with someone weaker than you. Lisa: A fight? That would mean rejecting the last part of me that's aim a girl. Do it, Lisa! You'll be greater than or equal to boys. Even though you're only eight, your possibilities are infinite. Twenty-seven! Lisa: Okay, I'll do it. But whom should I beat up? These dots are itchy. (SIGHS) Fine, I'll beat up Ralph. Uh, give me your lunch money. Okay! Um... Uh... I guess I'm gonna have to get this party started. (GRUNTING) Fight! Fight! Fight! Forgive me for this. Okay! (GRUNTS) (SOBBING) You just beat up the most harmless kid in school. Well done! (INDISTINCT PRAISE) Hey, Toilet, want to play guns? Sure! (IMITATING FIRING) Pyew! Pyew! (SINGING) I know what boys like. I know what guys want. I know what boys like. I know what's on their minds. Sucker And the award for outstanding achievement in the field of mathematics goes to... Jake Boyman! (All) (CHANTING) Toilet! Toilet! Toilet! Toilet! Toilet! Thank you. Or should I say thank you! (ALL GASP) Toilet is Lisa? We've been Yentl'd! That's right, everyone. The best math student in the whole school is a girl! Wait a minute! Do you know why you did good at math? "Did well." Give it a rest, Melanie. Calling me by my first name is harassment. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. (MOANING) Oh, Superintendent! The only reason Lisa won is because she learned to think like a boy! I turned her into a burping, farting, bullying, math machine! That's a lie! Ow! I got hit by boy Lisa and girl Lisa! Mmm... (GASPS) What have I become? I always thought that boys had it easier. But now I see their world is more cruel and sadistic than lever imagined. (BOYS CHEERING) Chair fight! (ALL GRUNTING) And I did get better at math, but it was only by abandoning everything I believed in. I guess the real reason we don't see many women in math and science is... Would you hurry it up, please? You're cutting into the award for best flutist! Well, whatever the answer is, I'm glad I'm a girl, and I'm glad I'm good at math. Now enjoy your stupid flutist. (PLAYING FLUTE) (SINGING) And the sandcastle virtues Are all swept away. In the tidal destruction the moral melee (GROANS) (MUSIC PLAYING) The elastic retreat rings the close of play. As the last wave uncovers the newfangled way. But your new shoes are worn at the heels. And your suntan does rapidly peel. And your wise men don't know how it feels. To be thick as a brick.