The Wolf of Wharf Street

1 OLSEN: It's been called the Beast of the Bay, The Monster of the Marina and the Wonder Wolf. But whatever you call it, it's allegedly extremely dangerous and allegedly out for blood, wreaking alleged havoc on our quiet little community, allegedly. And it seems to be scaring the trick-or-treaters out of town this year on what promises to be a foggy night. Meanwhile, the alpaca has gone missing from the Wonder Wharf petting zoo. I'm here with Calvin and Felix Fischoeder. Could the alpaca have been a victim of this so-called Wonder Wolf? Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm sure the alpaca just went on a little walkabout. Yes, that checks out. The town is perfectly safe. All the little children should go out trick-or-treating - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - and then come spend their parents' money I mean, come to Wonder Wharf and, well, you know. If you are braving the local streets for treats, parents are advised to accompany their kids just in case this beast is more than just a rumor. - It's not. - Oh. No. Guess who's comin' in the room With the fancy costume? Um, what are you? I'm a Cher-iff. Get it? - Like Cher, but a sheriff. - Hmm. I got handcuffs, a badge and a body that just refuses to age. (gasps) Oh, I love her. - "Snap out of it!" - Hmm? - From the movie. - Mm. You know, if you weren't on a bunch of pain pills, you'd be cracking up right now. I think those are making you less fun. Probably a side effect. See? "Take with food. Can cause hallucinations and diarrhea. " Well, I don't have either of those except diarrhea, so give me one. Fine, but just one. - You get weird on pain pills. - Mm. Remember the time you thought the rug was making fun of you? Or the time you took nighttime aspirin and you ended up peeing in the blender? You almost ruined that smoothie, Bob. First of all, I do not remember any of that. Second, you should've thrown that smoothie out if that ever happened. And third, what am I supposed to do if I'm in pain? The-the pills are great for that. So (clucks tongue) give me my drugs, officer. Okay. If you want to be a paranoid Patty. - (doorbell rings) - Aah! What was that? The doorbell. Calm down. Right, right. Doorbell. LINDA: Coming! Hold your candy corns! - (door opens) - (Teddy laughs) TEDDY: Oh, a Cher-iff. Oh, that is great. Doesn't Teddy look hot? I thought I ordered a scary nurse, but I guess I clicked on sexy nurse instead. Sometimes the universe decides, you know? Anyway, Nurse Teddy is here to take care of you, Bob. Uh, Linda, what is he talking about? I told you, Bob, I have to go out trick-or-treating with the kids just in case the imaginary wolf is real. Teddy's gonna keep an eye on you. You aren't very good on those crutches, mister. He fell down twice today trying to go to the bathroom. (scoffs) I'm fine, Lin. I'll help him get into the bathroom, no problem. You can count on me. I'll even hold your penis if you need me to, Bob. I don't need you to hold my penis, Teddy. Well, then I can just, you know, I can just prop it up for you. Use a broom handle or a dustpan or something. I guess a spatula would work. Great, uh, where's the spatulas? I'm joking, Teddy. I don't need you to hold my penis up with a spatula. Right, right, I knew that. So, how'd you mess your knee up, anyway? It's a long story. Hey, my old chef pants. I love these. I wonder if I can still get into them. (grunts) Ow! Ow! So not that long a story. - No, I guess not. - GENE: (sings fanfare) Get ready for your favorite fruity boy, Gene. Ooh, grapes. Handsome grapes. Sorry, handsome grapes. Hey, hey, you're The Monkees. Peter, maybe? With an oxygen tank? No, Mom, I'm the guy from No Country for Old Men. LINDA: Ooh, a hunky killer. The best kind, huh? Ooh, Tina's a zombie wearing my clothes for some reason. Yeah, I'm a Mom-bie. But you don't look like a mom in those clothes; you look fun and youthful. In these jeans? No, I look like a mom. Young, fun mom. Well, enough chitchat. We're burning precious candy time. See you sometime before dawn. Okay, let me just go spray my hair one more time, and then I'm ready. Why would you need to go spray your hair for us to go trick-or-treating? LINDA: Because I'm coming with you. Uh, no? Sorry, Mother. You must be this young to ride the trick-or-treat train. Yeah, maybe you should trick-or-treat with some friends your own age, Mom. Tonight's about fun. You don't bring a mom to a fun fight. What? I'm fun. Plus, I got to protect you from that wolf that's terrorizing the town, but probably isn't real. Ugh, I'd be so embarrassed if you kids got eaten. (sighs) Fine. But don't try too hard. And don't try too hard at not trying too hard. I'm gonna be so fun, you're gonna wish I trick-or-treated with you every night. All right, let's get treatin'. Yeah, let's turn some tricks. Gene, don't say that. Bye, bye, bye, bye. Stay out of my room. TEDDY: You got it, Mrs. B. - So, what do you want to do? - (door closes) You can still thumb wrestle, right? Best out of 31? Uh, I was just gonna watch TV, Teddy. Okay. Or we could watch TV. Sure. ANNOUNCER: And now, our Halloween feature, Bosom Bloodies. Ooh, Bosom Bloodies. I read the books. And coming up at 10:00, an update on the Wonder Wolf. Ooh. - What was that? - What was what? Th-That howl. I just said, "Ooh. " Oh. Oh, okay. Jeez, you're jumpy, Bob. You're jumpy, Bob. ALL: Trick or treat! Sorry I don't have candy. The news said that no one would be out trick-or-treating because of the wolf. Yeah, we heard. Kids, what do you say? KIDS: Thank you. At least apples are edible. I don't know what I'm gonna do with all these twist ties from that other house. This is bull. I want candy. I'm a kid! It's not like I can just go out and buy it whenever I want. Well, maybe the next block will be better. LOUISE: Damn it! (sighs) Should we just go home and eat spoonfuls of sugar? TINA: I know where there's a hummingbird feeder. GENE: I'm ready for tub and tuck in. What? Are you kidding me? We're not Hallo-quitters, we're Hallo-winners. But no houses are giving out candy, woman. We don't need candy to have fun. You shut your damn mouth. Hey! Isn't that the park where people keep seeing the Wonder Wolf? Why don't we go over there and find it. Searching for a wolf is a great fun Halloween adventure. I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I'm scared of wolves. Yeah, seems dangerous. That wolf would probably love to eat a plump, perfect boy like moi. Come on. Are you guys coming? (teasingly): Or are you too scared? Fine, but I'm gonna walk in the middle to protect my beautiful grapes, and for once, I'm not talking about my testicles. LOUISE: I guess it's kind of a good Halloween thing to do. But if don't see a wolf, I want my money back. All right! Hello, lady Bob. Hey, Mr. Fischoeder. You out trick-or-treatin'? Smellin' feetin'? We're out looking for our alpaca, Al. Have you seen him? No. We're going to look for the wolf. - (laughs): The wolf. - Wolves aren't real, Linda. Okay, well, we're gonna go look for one anyway because it's a fun Halloween adventure, and I'm a fun mom. Well, if I were you, I'd go home and count your candy and wait for St. Nick or Satan. Whatever. I-I can Bye. (woman screams) (gasps) Oh! Here you go, Bob. It's a cabbage soup that's supposed to heal the body. I got the recipe from a pop-up ad. I just put in my social security number and there it was. I'm not really in a soup mood. That's impossible. - I'm gonna feed it to you. - No, no, just give it to me. I - I'm gonna feed it to you. - I don't want you to do that. Just let me feed it to you. Here comes the helicopter. Open up your mouth, Bobby. Here it comes. - Uh-huh. Uh - Traffic copter. Here he comes. - Oh, you got a little - What do you mean the traffic copter? It's just It's a traffic copter. - It's flying into your mouth here. - Why does it Just a regular helicopter is usually the way. Just It's a traffic copter. You got a little bit of a back up Okay. - here on 95. - All right, all right, all right. If you're traveling north - Whatever type of helicopter you want. - If you could just - Let me do my thing, Bobby! - Fine. - Oh. Ow! Ow! - What? What? What? What? It's too hot. I'll blow on it a little bit here. (blowing) - Teddy, you're spitting on it. - No, I'm not. I-I'm blowing on it. You're going (blows raspberry) - This is how I blow. - What's that mark on your arm? What mark? I don't There's no mark on my arm. You just covered it with your sleeve. Looks like a bite. No, it's not a bite. It's dry skin. You ever heard of dry skin? - Ow! Still way too hot, Teddy. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is, like, room temperature now, Bobby. - Do you think that's room temperature? - Yes. - Stick your finger in it. - Okay. (both scream) It's fine. It's fine. LINDA: Ooh, look, a bone. Must be from some animal the wolf killed and devoured. I think that's a hanger, Mom? No, it's a bone. It's a little metal bone with dry cleaning paper on it. This is dumb. There's no wolf. Let's just go home and trade apples with each other - till we die of boredom. - Yeah. Okay, fine. I tried. (wolf howls) - Mmm? - Whoa. - Mom, did you do that? - No. That did sound like one of Mom's chardonnay farts. I don't think that was a real howl. - (wolf howls) - (gasps) Well, howl-lelujah. I guess the Wonder Wolf is real. I got to give you credit, toots. I thought you were the mom that cried wolf, but I think this guy's the real deal. And that's a good thing. (laughs nervously) Because we want it to be real. Yeah, yeah, we want it to be. Of course we do. Everyone stay close to Mommy. Okay. I always wanted to be raised by wolves, but getting adopted by one at this age would also be cool. Getting a little foggy out. I like it. It's nice and spooky. - (wolf howls) - (gasps) - Whoa. - Wow. I'm not saying I'm impressed, but I'm not not impressed. It came from over there, let's go. LINDA: Going over there It's getting kind of real But the kids are having fun So we're going over there. LOUISE: All right, not so much singing. Oh, sorry. Teddy, my knee really hurts. - Ca-Can you hand me another pill? - Uh, I don't know, Bob. Linda didn't say anything about giving you another pill. Yeah, well, she's forgetful. I mean, look, - she forgot her handcuffs. - Yeah, I don't, uh I don't think that's a good idea, Bobby. Come on, Teddy. I'm in pain. I don't know. How many have you had tonight? Maybe one and a half, or two. Are you sure you don't want one for your bite? It looks serious. I-I don't need a pill for my bite. Wait, you said it wasn't a bite. It's not. You called it that. Watch the movie, huh, Bob? - Give me a pill. - Fine. Here, I'm gonna cut this in half. - Eat both halves. - That's a weird way of regulating how much I take. Well, then I know you at least had two halves. Look at us tracking a wild animal like it's no big deal. Yeah, I haven't had this much fun following in somebody's footsteps since I started dressing like Mom. - Earlier today. - LOUISE: Oh, my God, you guys. - Poop. - Okay, I'll see what I can do. - Short notice. - No, I think it's the wolf's poop. Ooh, a spooky poopy. There's little bits of fur in it. This was definitely not pooped by a person. But if it was, I admire the heck out of them. (loud rustling) - (all scream) - Oh, God. It came from right over there. Okay, I think he's - TINA: Or she's. - Or she's behind that bush. (door creaks on TV) Oh, no, no, don't go in there. (panting) (distorted): Oh, no! You went in. He went in! Uh, uh, are you sure that's not a bite, Teddy? Like, from an animal? No. How many times I got to say it? Okay. Then-then wh Then what is it? I cut it on my pillow. I'm gonna go to the bathroom now. If that's okay with you. And number one, since you're so nosy. ANNOUNCER: Was the Wonder Wolf just a Wonder myth? Stay tuned after our feature presentation. (whispers): The wolf. Teddy's a werewolf. TEDDY: What'd you say, Bob? Nothing. No, he can't be. He can't be a werewolf, that's crazy. (Teddy growling) Oh, no. He's transforming. He's transforming. - (Bob groans) - (Teddy growling) (grunting) (Bob groaning) Oh, God. (groans) Oh, hi, Teddy. - You okay? You look sweaty. - Yeah. It's just, uh, an exciting part of the movie. I-I think something's gonna happen to somebody. - You're probably right. - Yeah, definitely. - (grunts) - Oh, God. Oh, my God. Bob! Bob! - Ah-ha! Gotcha! - (Teddy yells) Bob, what? Why? Why'd you do that? - Because you're a werewolf, Teddy. - (grunts) I heard you fighting the beast inside you. - What? - You're the Wonder Wolf! Or he bit you and you're turning into one. Or you bit him. Bob Or, or however this all works. Bob (grunts) unlock me. (grunts) Unlock me! You need to sit down. You need to rest your leg. Give me the keys, come on. Oh. This isn't funny. Oh. These keys? (gulps) (mouth full): No way. Because I'm swallowing them. (gags and coughs) No. Wait, that's impossible. (coughs) Ugh. How do people do that in movies? (grunts) Bob, don't try to go down the stairs. - (Bob screams) - (clattering down stairs) - BOB: Ow, ow! - (Teddy grunting) - Are you okay? - (Bob shouting) Bobby, answer me. (grunts) No, I'm fine, Teddy. I only fell halfway Dow (Bob screams) Ow Ow! Ow! (groans) Oh, God! Are you at the bottom of the stairs now? Wouldn't you like to kno (Bob screams) Bob, talk to me. Say something. Don't pretend like you care about me, werewolf. - No, Bob. No, Bobby, don't leave! - (door closes) What'll we do now, Mom? We are gonna take a picture of the wolf on my phone, from a very, very safe distance, and then run away. GENE: Oh, God. It's rustling again. What kind of a monster rustles this much? (moans) I'm gonna go over and pull the branches back. You kids stay back here and take the picture, and then run away. Okay, here we go. "Spooky Halloween adventure with a fun mom" on three. One, two three. (yells) (all scream) LINDA: Randy. LOUISE: Dad's frenemy? TINA: Slash filmmaker? Slash wolf hunter. Slash your fly's down. Slash made you look at your ding-dong. The wolf is right there. Did you see it? - Uh - No. - See what? - The wolf. Right there. The wolf is in that shot. The shot that's completely black? Yes. I forgot a light, but that doesn't mean he's not there. - Or she. - Wait. Do you really think this wolf or whatever is real? You saw it? Oh, it's real. I'm pretty sure. I'm convinced. Yep. And I'm gonna be the guy who gets the footage to prove it. I'll be famous. I'll be "The Wolf Guy. " My documentary will make millions of dollars, and I'll probably get a wife. Millions of dollars, huh? Randy, baby. Why don't we work out a deal? We help you get this thing on film, and then we split the money 50-50. Why would I want to team up with you? We've got light. We've got gumption. And we all want wives, too. I'm gonna name mine "Michelle. " Kids, maybe we should just let Randy find the wolf, and then we'll go see the movie when it's done. Well, I do need light. Yeah. You do. Okay, you can help. - Uh, hmm, all right. - But I get to pick - where we have the premiere. - No, you don't. - TINA: Hey, we could have it at the restaurant. - Fine. But let's get it catered. RANDY: Ooh, yes. And a photo booth. (panting) Okay. Okay, I got to find someone to help me. Oh, that was smart of me to chain him to the coffee table. Smart of me and dumb of him. Dumb werewolf Teddy. (laughs) (pants and grunts) Bob, I'm coming! Oh, no. Oh, no. (pants) (panting) (grunting) (breathless): Wow, running with a coffee table's hard. No wonder no one does that. (gasping) (gasping): Bobby! Bob! You can't get away, Bob. (groaning): I'll find you. I'm gonna help you. (breathless): Good evening. Happy Halloween. I'm a nurse table, table nurse. Farewell. (laughs) LINDA: Maybe we should head home soon. It's getting late and we've already had so much fun. (scoffs) Home is for idiots. Yeah. We're wolf hunters now. Our old lives were garbage. I thought mine was okay, but I see what you mean. Okay. Here's a wolf-hunting tip. See the way these leaves are all on the ground? Probably the wolf came through here and knocked them all down. Aren't those just fall leaves? Fall leaves, at this time of year? - Don't be ridiculous. - (screeching) - (gasps) - (quietly): What the hell was that? - The wolf. - No. Wolves howl. That was not a howl. It sounded like the noise I made when Felicity cut her hair. What if this isn't just a wolf? Maybe it's a super wolf or a monster wolf. - (gasps) A werewolf. - (screeching) Well, whatever it is, it sounds like it's in there. TINA: Oh, that spooky, overgrown area that looks like it's full of Blair Witches? LOUISE: Yep. And we're going into that overgrown Blair Witch tunnel. Right, Mom? Yeah, of course we are. I said we were going, so we are. So, yeah, yeah. GENE: And with that rousing speech, we march to our deaths. (grunts) TEDDY: Bob! Bob, I'm coming! (laughs) I know you're coming, wolf-Teddy. That's why I'm going into the park. I'll hide in there. Good job, Bob. Thank you. What is this place? Huh. Is this a dead end? Don't be silly, Linda. There aren't dead ends in the woods. You can just walk right into the Ow, ow, ow, ow. Okay, so it's a dead end. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. (all scream) I don't like piles of bones unless they're on a plate in front of me and I'm rubbing my stomach, going, "Mmm-mmm. " (screeching) Oh, God, it's getting closer. Randy, get the camera ready. Uh Dammit, Randy. If you had been holding something, you would have dropped it out of fright, too, Louise. - I'm holding two things. - (rustling) - Oh, God. - (moans) - Kids, get behind me. - And I'll get behind them. - Randy, no, you're a grown-up. - Not in all ways, Linda. I wear a youth large at Forever 21. - (screeching) - RANDY: Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm really regretting sprinkling cinnamon and sugar on myself this morning. Oh, my God. I brought my kids out into the dark woods on purpose to look for a dangerous animal, just because I wanted you guys to think I was fun. Now I think I might have made a mistake, and it would have been better if we weren't attacked by a wolf. Guys, maybe if we're all just really, really quiet, the wolf will lose interest and go away. It's worth a try. (balloons pop, Gene yells) - Gene. - Sorry. If we all die, everybody, thanks for being cool. You're welcome. - Oh, Randy. I forgot you were here. - Mm. Okay, that's it. Kids, you stay here. I'm going to fight this thing. Good idea. You go get it, Linda. Mother, I've never been more attracted to you. I'll fight it off as long as I can, and then when I can't fight anymore, I'll try to be hard to eat so you guys can get away. GENE: Okay. Oh, my God. (all screaming) (screams) LOUISE: What the ? Are you freaking kidding me? Wolves these days, not what I remember. I think it's the alpaca from the petting zoo. So there was no wolf? Huh, I guess not, but this guy's kind of fun, in a matted hair, lice-y kind of way. I'm gonna pet him. Hi, cutie. What's your - (screeches) - Oh, never mind, never mind. - TEDDY: Bob! - BOB: Oh, no. He found me. (grunting and panting) (rustling) Teddy? (growls, snarls) Uh There you are, Lulu. You naughty girl. You're gonna get daddy in trouble (laughs): escaping like that. I told you you weren't ready to have a wolf, Felix. I am ready. The wolf house I was building wasn't ready. And I am not putting her up in a hotel again! Oh, just hurry up and put her into the van. We still have to find that damned alpaca. Come on, Lulu. I brought a Hawaiian pizza for you. - (sniffs) - (singsongy): Your favorite. - (Lulu whines) - There we go. Go, go, go, go, Calvin. I'm going! Yay! (Teddy panting) Bob, don't run. (strained voice): Wolf. I know, I know, Bob. I'm a wolf. But let's go home and talk about it there, okay? I just saw a wolf. Sure, sure. You-you saw a wolf. You don't happen to have the handcuff keys, do you, Bobby? Huh? You know what? Never mind. I have to carry this back anyway. (grunts) Look, I know the pills made me crazy before, but in my defense, Teddy does have a bite on his arm, and hair all over the back of his neck. I do have a bite. I was embarrassed to tell you that I bit myself in my sleep. I used to do it in my 20s, and then again in my 30s, and now, apparently, it's back. Someone needs to be swaddled. Or just bite your arms during the day, so you won't be as tempted at night. (sighs) Well, sorry, kids. This Halloween was kind of a bust. You didn't get any candy and there wasn't a wolf. (groans) There was. No. It was an alpaca. I mean, a wolf in our little town? It's crazy. This isn't Transylvania. Yeah, but there was almost a wolf. And we thought we were gonna die. That was fun. Wait. Are you saying you had fun with me? We're saying we had fun around you. That counts. There was a wolf. I saw it. The Fischoeders put it in their van. This again. Shh, shh, shh, shh, Bob, Bob. I did see a wolf. Hey. I believe you, Bob. Randy, I don't want you to be offended, but I need someone other than you to believe me. Well, I am offended. Are you going home, Randy? Not now. Now I'm staying forever. Me, too, because I'm handcuffed to your coffee table and you lost the keys. I-I didn't lose them, Teddy. I threw them to the moon. It made sense at the time. All right. I'll get you guys some sheets and blankets. No, Linda. They're not staying. RANDY: Can I borrow some pajamas, Bob? Maybe an oversized tee? BOB: Absolutely not. GENE: I've got your oversized tee, Randy. - One question: do you like Betty Boop? - RANDY: Yep. (Linda growling rhythmically) All right! (cackles) Who's a fun mom on Halloween? She does spooky things and she looks really young Who's a fun mom on Halloween? She does spooky things and she looks real young It's Halloween, it's Halloween It's Halloween, it's Halloween Hall ow eeen (vocalizing)