Lainey Loves Lionel

Adult Adam: The '80s gave us the multiplex... 10 glorious movies under one roof, a heaven where you could literally spend a whole day inside, delighting in mystery, action, and some of the greatest films ever made.

One for "E.T." One for "Indiana Jones," please.

One ticket for "Mannequin".

One for "The Lost Boys", please.

One for "Weekend at Bernie's".

They put sunglasses on a corpse. [Chuckles]

And then a movie came along that changed everything for countless young men on the verge of adulthood.

"Porky's!" Oh, yes!

Hell, no!

Do you realize that movie is packed with potty language, adult situations, and Florida attitude?

Yeah. That's why I want to see it.

Not with those beautiful and innocent eyes.

One's kind of wonky. The other one's all right.

Point is, no "Porky's."

It's rated "R," and you need my permission, which I will never, ever, ever give.

Well, in a few years, I won't even need your permission.

I'll just rent it on Beta.

Well, not if I contact every video store in the state.

Well, I'll legally change my name.

Well, then I'll do a mass mailing for your photo.

Well, then I'll have extensive plastic surgery and change my face.

Well, then I'll hire the A-Team to capture you and bring you home.

Well, then I'll hire Delta Force to combat your precious A-Team.

What's going on with you two?

What's going on is, you're a good boy.

And if I say that movie isn't appropriate, then you'll listen.

♪

[Gasps] What about "Annie", huh?

I hear you singing "It's A Hard-Knock Life" every morning when you make your poopalas.

But my mom was on to something. That little redhead would be our perfect cover.

Okay. Just got our "Annie" tickets.

Now all we got to do is sneak into "Porky's."

This is it. The last time we'll see each other as boys.

Bear witness to the end of my innocence, bro.

Okay, no one panic, but I'm like 99.9% sure that ticket guy is on to us!

You're freaking out.

I am not!

Then why is your voice all high and squeaky?

That's just how I sound now.

Stop yapping and come on already.

Wait! We missed the first minute!

All the naughty stuff will be way less enjoyable if we don't understand how it fits into the story!

It was one of those moments that show you what you're made of. Was I gonna stay a scared little boy, or would I become a man?

No, Annie! There's no way to go but up.

How is this not rated "R"?

This wasn't in the stage production.

I was not prepared for this.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪ ♪ but nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪ ♪ I don't know the future ♪ ♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was February 10, 1980-something, and Valentine's Day was right around the corner.

Barry, you know I love you, but please don't be an idiot and go crazy on Valentine's Day.

I mean it.

What?

All I asked was if there was anywhere to park a hot-air balloon on your property.

I'm serious.

I'm not one of those girls who likes big public displays of affection.

Just keep it small, okay?

Back then, keeping it small meant my brother's only option was the love-a-gram. It made the cool kids feel cooler and the lonely goobers feel even lonelier.

Hey, uh, I'd like to send a flower to chemistry class for, um [Chuckles]

Yourself?

It's okay, Naked Rob. You'll find love one day.

Hey, man. How you doing?

Uh, I'm fine.

Gah! You're always, like, right there.

Enough already. Okay?

Look, just do what every high-school boy on the planet does.

Get her flowers.

You want me to get Lainey flowers?

They're nature's trash! They don't even do anything.

Trust me. Every girl loves roses.

[Singsong voice] Erica Goldberg!

I got roses for you!

Crap. Why?!

Don't you just love V-Day?

Ooh! Here.

I got 100 roses from your secret admirer.

100?!

Come on, man!

How mysterious and sexy.

Not to mention bulky and unwieldy.

Who knows?

Maybe today, your secret admirer will reveal himself and you'll realize that love was under your nose the whole time.

Or I tell him that I have no feelings for him at all and we shake hands and go our separate ways.

Or you kiss him 'cause you realize you're soul mates.

Or I knee him in the coin purse because now he's getting creepy.

[Sighs] I was so close.

Were you, though?

♪

While Erica was breaking hearts, my friends were bragging about breaking in to "Porky's".

I feel like "Porky's" graphic adult content wasn't blatant.

It was earned, you know?

I feel like, at its core, it was a story of friendship.

Mm. And boobs.

Not to be this guy, but Kim Cattrall is so hot.

Pbht! Know who's even hotter?

Miss Hannigan from "Annie".

I mean, not in a conventional way, but there's something there.

This is just sad, pal.

Murray: I can't believe it.

The boy saw "Annie" instead of "Porky's."

My lord, you raised a wuss.

Me?! He's your son!

I take a casual, non-committal approach to parenting.

You're the one in the trenches.

He's not a wuss. He's a good boy.

Too good!

Now's the time for taking chances and spreading his wings a bit.

Would you rather take over?

Let's not get crazy.

How about that scene in gym class with Ms. Balbricker?

That was crazy! [Laughs]

Yes!

You want to talk crazy... Carol Burnett.

She acts, sings, and dances.

She's a Swiss army knife of entertainment.

Okay, yeah. That was full wuss right there.

So, I wasn't a bad boy. But at least my girlfriend always appreciated my sensitive side.

Geez, I wish I was gonna see you on Valentine's Day.

You know what's just as good as me going to Seattle?

A 10-minute phone date where we eat the same pasta and watch the same episode of "Diff'rent Strokes."

It's really not. [As Arnold Jackson] Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Dana?

[Timer dings]

[Normal voice] Dang it. That's time.

Aw. Just a few more minutes?

I can't.

You know how crazy my parents get about the long-distance bills.

It's, like, a huge rule.

Some rules are made to be broken.

What the hell was that about?

I think he's saying you can break the rule and we can keep talking.

No way. He's bluffing.

Not bluffing.

What kind of crazy mind game is this?!

Maybe it's not a game.

Oh, it's a game.

Not a game.

He said it's not a game.

It's worse! It's a trap!

It's not a damn trap!

It's a trap, and I'm gonna hang up and win!

But he said... [Dial tone]

My god. What are you doing?

What am I doing?! What are you doing?!

Get out of my head, man!

Adam, you're a good kid.

But sometimes, you got to take a risk, like breaking the phone rule or going to see "Porky's".

Shh!

Don't say the "p" word when the "m" word is around.

My point is seeing an "R"-rated movie...

That might be a rule that's okay to break.

Hey, I break plenty of rules...

Jaywalking, I once ran with scissors.

They were safety scissors, and I lied about the jaywalking.

So lying! Lying is on the list now.

Okay. That's it.

Tomorrow, I'm taking you to see "Porky's."

What about Mom?

She'll never find out.

What's going on in here?

"Porky's!"

What? "Porky's!"

Pork and beans.

The boy wants pork and beans for dinner.

It's tuna taco Tuesday.

But... I can move some things around.

Good suggestion, my little angel.

Boy, you're really not good at this.

While I was being forced to break the rules...

Psst! Hey, dummy!

[Laughs] You looked! Means you're a dummy.

But seriously, I need your help and advice.

Come on.

Erica was about to discover that Barry broke into the A.V. club room.

Okay, I know you told me to buy Lainey flowers, but that's just too small a gift for the love of my life.

Luckily, I figured out the perfect Valentine's gift to get her.

A new boyfriend? Burn!

I don't agree with your insult, but I respect it.

Anyway, I was watching MTV, and this crazy genius video popped up.

And there it was... the answer I was looking for.

♪ Hello ♪

"Hello"? How is this the answer?

-♪ Is it me you're looking for?♪

Lainey loves Lionel.

And this video right here is the most romantic story ever told.

Granted, Lionel is cool and can pull off a striped sweater, but this whole video is, like, super weird.

33 years before Adele, this was the "Hello" that took the world by storm thanks to Lionel Richie.

♪ I love you ♪

He's in love with a blind girl.

He follows her through the halls, and she has no idea.

It's so romantic. Is it?

Yes! And she loves him, too!

Just look at the sculpture she made of his face.

It's scary but sincere.

What does this have to do with Valentine's Day or anything?

Duh! I'm gonna be just like the video and make Lainey a Clay bust.

Oh, it's wonderful.

Woman: This is how I see you.

The point is, stop while you're ahead.

Trust me. Girls don't like it when a guy tries too hard.

What up, what up?

Guess who's all about V.D. today.

Wait. That sounded really bad.

I've got math class, Geoff. What do you need?

Me? Nothing. Just thought you'd need something from your locker.

Nope.

Well, maybe just check to see that everything's okay.

Why wouldn't it be okay?

Just open it!

[Sighs]

[Screams]

What the hell?!

Doves. Someone must like you.

Dear lord! They pooped all over my stuff!

It's like a bottle of Elmer's glue exploded in there.

Geoff, this has to stop.

Don't worry. I-I'll go get some paper towels.

Geoff to the rescue. I'm such a good guy.

Adult Adam: While Erica was trying to ignore Geoff, my dad just wanted me to ignore the rules.

All right, son.

I'm not looking.

Now's your chance to go see your jiggle movie.

What? Aren't you coming with me?

Who's gonna buy me a ticket?

That would defeat the whole purpose!

You got to do this on your own.

You buy a ticket for "Annie", and then you sneak into "Porky's".

Easy-peasy.

But I just saw "Annie".

You think they'll believe I'd see that garbage twice in a week?

Even better. Now it's free.

Now you're telling me to cheat the theater out of the price of a ticket?

All right. That's it. I've had enough.

You go see that movie now or you're punished.

What?! You can't punish me for not breaking the rules!

Move it now!

Fine!

But I'll never forgive you for helping me get into the movie I've been dying to see.

Even though I was doing exactly what my dad said, for the first time in my life, I felt like a total rebel.

Show time.

That is, until someone interrupted the movie.

Excuse me. Pardon me, everyone.

I hate to interrupt your smut, but my innocent little boy is in here.

[Gasps] She's here!

I know you're in here, Adam!

A mother always knows.

Surrender!

Oh, balls.

I don't mean to judge any of you, but you're all terrible.

Best of luck.

Valentine's Day was fast approaching, and Barry had finally found the perfect gift for Lainey.

How long have you been here?

Been in here since the crack of dawn, but it'll all make sense once you see my masterpiece.

♪ Hello ♪

[Music stops]

[Screams]

Was that a scream of delight?

That was terror.

Seriously, this thing is gonna haunt me forever.

In a good way?

Who gets haunted in a good way?

Kevin Costner in "Field of Dreams."

Okay, that was a fantastic example.

But this thing is beyond disturbing.

Thing?!

It looks like sloth from "The Goonies" got botched plastic surgery.

It's clearly Lainey.

Lainey?!

It looks like someone sat on a puppet from "The Dark Crystal."

Damn it!

Okay. I know what I got to do.

See, the girl in the video was blind.

I've been looking at Lainey with my eyes when I should really be looking at her with my hands.

The hands are the eyes of the arms.

I don't know, man.

This whole thing is just so off the rails.

Ceramics, am I right? Can we talk about us?

There isn't an us.

And you're, like, terrible at icebreakers.

Cool. Cool. So, I've come to a major life decision.

We're done. Sweet.

You do realize what that means.

Now you have to just sit back and watch me date a parade of hot ladies, knowing in your heart that you missed out.

Well, live and learn.

Okay, but you're making me uncork all this charm I've been hiding!

♪

Hey, hallways, am I right?

You broke my rules, you broke my trust, and you broke my heart.

The bad-boy triple axle.

Well, gold medal, bad boy.

You are grounded for a month.

No Nintendo, no telephone, no snuggies.

What?! You can't do that.

You're right.

I'm not gonna deny myself snuggies just because you love perverted cinema.

We can snug, but still... No Nintendo and no telephone.

But Sunday's Valentine's Day.

I have a whole phone date planned with Dana.

Well, too bad. And if you think I'm angry, just wait till your dad gets going.

This is gonna get ugly.

You're gonna hear it! Brace yourself, boy!

I am so proud of you.

Please. Don't be.

Oh, but I am.

Go and make Mom unground me.

Oh, I can't do that. You broke the rules.

Because of you!

And you have my respect.

I don't want it!

I want to have my first Valentine's Day with my girlfriend.

You are angry and defiant.

And it makes my heart full.

No! Stop! Empty your heart.

Way to go, son.

Don't call me "son" with pride ever again.

Son.

You really want me to break the rules?

That's exactly what I'm going to do!

And so, I started my life as a rule breaker, big-time.

One ticket to Seattle, please.

My girlfriend lives there.

You flying alone today, kid?

Uh... Is that a problem?

Nope, but you can meet the captain, and we'll let you steer the plane.

Lucky for me, it was the '80s. Things were a tad looser back then. As I was off to see my Valentine, Barry was still feeling his out.

Hey, babe.

[As Lionel Richie] Hello. Oh, boy.

And with that, Barry did some research... Terrible, invasive research.

Do you trim your nose hairs?

Wow. Your forehead's so big.

What's that right there? I never noticed that.

Your eye looks different today.

What's going on?

What's happening right now?

Oh, nothing. Just passing on by before social studies class.

Thought I'd give you a little face feel.

[Chuckles] Please don't touch my face.

You got tater-tot hands.

Ooh! That is a big noggin! [Chuckles]

Dude! I don't know what this is, but now I'm pissed!

Well done. Wait. How many teeth do you have?

Let me count your teeth.

Lainey: Ugh!

Teeth, am I right?

Stop doing what you're doing!

No, it's not what you think, okay?

I just wanted to say sorry.

I've been annoying. I get it.

Spending all that money on flowers and white pigeons was a real wake-up call.

I thought they were doves.

You put gross albino pigeons in my locker?

The point is, I give up, okay?

I made a deal with myself.

If I couldn't win you over by Valentine's Day, then it was time to move on.

So... I guess... friends?

For sure.

Friends.

There it was... the one word that killed any romantic relationship.

That was very mature of you, man.

Oh, no. Just wait.

Here's where she turns around, gives me a longing look because she didn't realize what she had until now.

It's my master plan. Here we go.

Right...

Now!

Right now!

Right... Now!

[Sniffs]

[Sighs] It's over, bro.

Shut up, Robert. Everyone knows you gave yourself that flower.

As Geoff realized he had to get over his broken heart, I was breaking the rules.

Suck on this, Murray Goldberg.

[Bell dings]

Captain: Welcome aboard. This is your captain. Our flight time to Seattle will be about five hours.

Wait. Did he say five hours?

Rough weather in the Midwest, so we'll see some minor turbulence.

Minor turbulence? Oh, that's not great.

Or major turbulence. Just, uh, please keep your seat belts fastened.

They don't know? They should know!

Oh, god! Why am I here?! What have I done?

Adult Adam: Sure, as a boy, I was afraid of flying. But as a man, I wasn't gonna wuss out and call my parents.

[Telephone ringing]

Murray!

[ Cheering]

[Volume increases]

[Ringing continues]

Murray!

I can't! I'm busy!

[Ringing continues] Murray!

Fine.

[TV shuts off]

Hello?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Who is it?

Adam's at the airport.

Seattle?!

I mean, really?

You are not dressed for that kind of rainy weather.

At the very least, pack some duck boots.

I mean, you could have gotten a head cold and died!

Dad said to break the rules, so that's just what I did.

I meant leave the seat up! Eat a grape at the supermarket!

Not fly across the damn country!

But, deep down, you're proud of me.

No, I'm the opposite of that.

Gotcha. Mom's here, so you can't give me the respect that I deserve.

No respect! You're a moron!

Yep. I really am.

You really are.

Let's just all agree... In the future, we leave the parenting to me and Bev.

Yes. For sure.

Absolutely.

Guys, guys, I think the headline here is that I did the right thing in the end.

True.

I cried until they turned that plane around.

That was not easy and cost me every bit of my dignity.

He did do that.

And I did not try smoking, even though the other passengers said it would calm my nerves.

You should head upstairs now.

Same goes for the tiny vodka bottles.

Head upstairs now.

Everybody go!

Well, I hope you're happy. You've ruined our son.

Adam used to be a good boy, and now he's a real [Bleep].

I'm not gonna apologize for that.

Bevy, do you really want to have the only kid in the world who's afraid to see an "R"-rated movie?

Yes!

That's the dream.

Well, it's not mine.

Look, I know I'm not down in the trenches like the two of you, but we need to raise a man, one who's not afraid to go out and take a risk, even if it means disappointing us.

♪

Valentine's Day had arrived, and Barry was finally ready to unveil his masterpiece.

Dude, are you still in here making Lainey heads?

I'm so close, Erica!

Come. Prepare yourself for beauty.

♪ Hello ♪

Oh, no!

[Music stops] Okay. That's a no.

Don't worry. Got many more.

Behold.

♪ Hello ♪

[Music stops] Ew!

Okay. Good note.

Feast your eyes on this.

♪ 'Cause you know just what to say ♪

I got one you're gonna love.

♪ And you know just what to do ♪

That's supposed to be your girlfriend?!

♪ And I want to tell you so much ♪

-♪ I love you ♪

No. Stop.

[Music stops] You can't show Lainey any of these clay monstrosities.

She'll think you're a serial killer.

I know.

I blew it.

I ruined the first Valentine's with the girl of my dreams.

Barry?

Lainey! Lainey, don't look at me, please, or anything else in this room.

Also, happy Valentine's Day.

What the...

You made all this for me? [Chuckles]

So, you like them?

Don't take this the wrong way, but they're nightmares.

This was supposed to be your Valentine's gift.

I just wanted to show how I see you, but...

It's just impossible to make something as beautiful as you.

Barry, I told you not to go all crazy.

I know, but the fact that you love me more than any man in this world is everything to me.

It's everything.

The fact that you'd sit here for days and try over and over... that's exactly why I love you, you big idiot.

♪ I've been alone with you inside my mind ♪ ♪ and in my dreams, I've kissed your lips a thousand times ♪

I saw that.

♪ I sometimes see you pass outside my door ♪

What? Ew. You saw nothing.

Lights out.

♪ Hello ♪

And Mom says no sneaking T.V.

Still punished. Got it.

♪ Is it me you're looking for? ♪

I've got to say... flying to Seattle?

You really took a big swing.

♪ I can see it in your eyes ♪

Don't worry. I'll get the hang of it.

♪ I can see it in your smile ♪ ♪ you're all I've ever wanted ♪

That night, I decided to start breaking the rules, but it wasn't because my dad said to or because I thought I would prove I was a man.

♪ 'Cause you know just what to say ♪

I did it simply because...

♪ And you know just what to do ♪

I was a boy in love with a girl. And after being in such a hurry to grow up...

♪ And I want to tell you so much ♪

In that moment, I just wanted time to stop. And I was willing to risk everything.

♪ I love you ♪

He snuck out to call Dana.

Well, what do you know?

You gonna bust him?

Oh, for sure.

But he's a good boy.

♪ Hello ♪

I'll give him a couple of minutes.

♪ Is it me you're looking for? ♪ ♪ 'Cause I wonder where you are ♪

That's the thing about love.

♪ And I wonder what you do ♪

It makes you want to take risks and go out on a limb, no matter the consequence.

♪ But let me start by saying ♪

But for the right person, it's totally worth it.

♪ I love you ♪

Ugh. Why is that Lainey head here?

They made me remove them all from the school premises 'cause they were scaring the first graders.

Me and the JTP are gonna blow this one up with some fireworks.

Do it now. I am not gonna sleep with that thing in the house.

Oh, my.

I get it. I suck at sculptering.

No.

Baby, you're a genius.

And I am so honored that this is how you see me.

I mean, what a beautiful tribute to the love of your life... me.

Oh, no.

Mom, just so you know, this is actually a sculpture of Lainey's head.

Toss it in the trash.

♪

Adam: That's my stupid brother right there.

He's talking with his girlfriend.

What was that?