Boogie Bardstown in: No Need, I Have Coupons

1 [Breathing heavily.] Oh, my gosh. [Panting.] It's [Theme music plays.] [Laughing.] [Cranking.] Man: It's alive! Get ready, rookie. This is some sick shit. [Retches.] Narrator: McDonaldland always had a dirty underbelly. Hell, we sold that underbelly cheap to make McRibs. But now someone had whacked McCheese. The way he ran this town, it could've been anybody, but it was my job to figure out which anybody. Rabble, rabble. I told you, he doesn't know anything. Maybe a piping-hot cup of joe will change his mind. Ah!, rabble, rabble. The fry guys, like a two-for-one McGriddle, it didn't add up. You salty [bleep.] got anything, or should I mop the gutter with you? - Eat me. - Two, four, six, eight, you [bleep.] mugs now you will cooperate. Okay, we overhead some chick saying the mayor was nearing his expiration date, see? Chick, huh? And the time of death was 4:30 a. m. Early, real early. The early bird gets the worm. I wasn't going to let some burger-headed politician inject cheesy beef into my daughters. [Chuckles.] Mm-hmm. [Chuckles.] Ha, ha! [Gunshot.] Aah! Oh, my God! What have I done? Forget it, rook. It's McDonaldland. Narrator: McDonald's new cheesy beef McNuggets. Your kids will kill for them. [Groans.] You should've gone for the head. Concussions are nothing to joke By Asgard's asshole, stop! Don't go, Daddy. I'm just going out for cigarettes, sweetie. I'll be right back. Just try a little spinach, okay? Look, Mommy likes it. My human centipede is complete. I must take a picture for Facebook. Oh, come on! Please, don't jump. You have so much to live for. Man: No, I don't. Nobody loves me. That's not true. Your mother loves you. Here she is. [High-pitched voice.] Oh, hello, sweetheart. It's your mother. Are you washing your underwear? [Thud, crowd gasps.] Oh, how is that my fault? Mr. Peterson, before we start your colonoscopy, we'll inject a small bit of air into your bowels. You might feel some pressure. [Inflating.] Uh, Doc? Announcer: New from the makers of Bratz, more sassy dolls with oodles of attitude. Here come the Brats. Meet Madchen Am I covered in onions? Because when you see my style, you'll be crying. Prinzessin The bigger the hot dog, the better. Bruste Let's have a beach party, and when I turn brown, flip me over! and Trottel. Call me a sexy toilet because when you see me, you must turd? - You idiot! - You stupid! - You ruined our commercial! - Catch up with the Brats. Jacking with fruit is not the same As when you call me by your name For the crime of witchcraft, we sentence this heathen to death. [Horses neighing.] - More horses. - You'll never pull me apart. I'm Stretch [bleep.] Armstrong! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, guys. Come on. Yo, Joe! Is everyone clear on the objective? - Both: Yo, Joe! - No, we are not. This country's dictator is a real snake. - His people want freedom. - So let's liberate them! - Yo, Joe! - Yo, Joe! Except we actually can't do that because the oppressed people have joined forces with terrorists. Good thing G. I. Joe was made for smashing terrorists. - Yo, Joe! - Yo, Joe-kay. But if we smash these terrorists, we risk a nuclear conflict with Russia. Snake Eyes says the situation is fubar, and we should make a strategic retreat. We can't do that because the dictator is using chemical weapons against children. Yo, Joe. And that's one thing G. I. Joe won't stand for. - Yo, Joe. - Dusty, is there sand in your ears? Removing the dictator means the terrorists win. Not on my watch! Oh, wait, Russia We've got to do something Good idea, Snake Eyes. Cross-country, take out that hill. - We did it! - Yeah! - Yo, Joe. - [Bleep.] that hill. We are going to be here forever, aren't we? Mom, why did the vet cut off Scruffy's testicles? Well, Billy, they were making Scruffy aggressive and hard to deal with, but he'll be much calmer now. Shut up! I'm drunk. Anybody that bugs me is going to get hit. When did you put all these stairs in here? Do it. Oh, mommy food, dee-dee-dee-dee Daddy food, dee-dee-dee-dee Baby food, dee-dee-dee-dee Human food Aah! Oh, kill the shark, dee-dee-dee-dee Kill the shark, dee-dee-dee-dee Kill the shark, dee-dee-dee-dee Kill the shark Oh, shark BJ, dee-dee-dee-dee I'm not gay, dee-dee-dee-dee But it's okay, dee-dee-dee-dee I'm dead Oh, show your teeth, dee-dee-dee-dee - You son of a - Dee-dee-dee-dee Now we're done, dee-dee-dee-dee So much fun, dee-dee-dee-dee-dee Hi, I'm a helpful Honda guy. I see you had some trouble. Is there anything I can help you with? I've always wanted to know the truth about the JonBenÃ©t Ramsey case. - Uh, I can fix your car window? - You know who had a broken window? JonBenÃ©t Ramsey's house. I mean, who did it, the parents, the brother, a kidnapper? - I would totally like some help with that. - Uh This case is full of inconsistencies the hastily scribbled ransom note, the time it took to find the body, the undigested pineapple in her stomach. - It doesn't make any sense. - Are you going to change my flat? You know who else had a flat? The back of JonBenÃ©t's skull. It was suicide! Fix my car! The body was found here. Oh, my God! This is it. I know who killed JonBenÃ©t Ram Aah! Announcer: Lease the 2019 Civic SI coupe for as little as $299 a month plus tax for 36 months or get 0. 9% financing on a 2019 Pilot. If you have any information about the JonBenÃ©t Ramsey murder case, contact your local - Honda dealership. - Ugh. And that's when they realized the voice was coming - from inside the phone. - Okay, cool. - Anyone have a story that's actually scary? - I've got one. Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, The Tale of the High School of Doom. It was just another day until shadowy figure appeared. [Evil laughter.] And in its hand was A reverse diary that tells the future instead of the past. A Trapper Keeper once owned by Satan. Its other hand because it was chopped off! No, it was an AR-15. I'm an outcast, and you bullied me maybe. My motivations aren't super clear because I'm a teenager with underdeveloped control of my emotions, and now I'm going to take my revenge. Yeah! Betty Anne, I'm going to stop you right there because this not a scary story. Oh, yes, it is. I vote to banish Betty Anne from the society. Her story isn't scary. It's just real life. - Real life is the scariest tale of all. - I'm chilled to the bone. I didn't shit my pants, but it's, like, half out. Everyone, shut up! You're ruining Midnight Society. I'm so mad! - What? - Oh, my God! - Go, go, go! - He's got a gun! Aaah! [Coughs, grunts.] [Shivering.] Did that count as real life? Because that was scary as [bleep.] . Gentlemen, our time of reckoning swiftly approaches. Soon we will kill Ethan Hunt and his mission impossible team. - Oh, yeah? - Ethan Hunt! - Guard, shoot him! - Sorry, sir, but [Grunts.] I'm really Ethan Hunt! [Grunts.] I'm really your bodyguard. That's funny because I'm really - [grunts.] the dog! - Wait! What? [Barks.] Ethan Hunt. Well, if we're all coming clean, I'm actually [Grunts.] I forgot my mask. For our final challenge, each of you will be creating dishes made with an ingredient you fear most. Bob Belcher, the man who forces his children to work for free and still can't turn a profit, gets a pigeon. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. For Alfredo Linguini, a French chef so bad they named him after cheap, wet Italian noodles, a rat! - SacrÃ© blue! - For SpongeBob SquarePants, water! Water?! You live in the sea, you festering gutter slob! - But I can't swim, Chef! - It's "Yes, Chef," you piss-colored tampon alternative! Finally for Chef, who's cuisine and character is a little two-dimensional, thetans, a. k. a. the souls of dead aliens. [Chuckles.] STDs are actually my biggest fear, children. Contestants, start cooking now! I'm making open-faced Krabby Patties with a cherry tomato remoulade and a glass of w-w-w-w-water. Aah, it got on me. I'll drown! Aaah! Fire! It's impossible to put out! I'm making feta-stuffed-pigeon burgers if I can open my eyes. [Groans.] Ah, oh, my heart. Tell Tina "Me too" goes both ways. I'm making a linguini rat-fredo, if I could just get my hands to chop off this rat's God darn Don't do it! That's my Uncle Joey. - Aaah! - [Chitters.] I'm making a thetan lava cake, children. Just need to pour the thetans into the chocolate volcano and Oh, shit! Everyone, I'm going clear! Pew, pew, pew! Got one! Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! - Aaaah! - Hide and cover! Hide and cover! Aaaah! Thetans, you absolute donkeys! Either make me a risotto or get the [bleep.] out. All: Yes, Chef. [Slurps.] This risotto is out of this world! The winner is Scientology! [Cheering.] Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk - Ba-gawk! - Bawk.