The Friendship Turbulence


 * Raj: Can we please talk about something other than my depressing love life?
 * Sheldon: How about Penny’s depressing acting career?
 * Leonard: Hey. I mean, it’s been a little tough, but Penny’s following her dreams and in my book that is not depressing.
 * Penny: Aw, thank you.


 * Bernadette: Raj, your tag’s sticking out.
 * Raj: Thank you. That was the closest I’ve come to sex in, like, two years.
 * Bernadette: (grunts crossly) Now I feel a little gross.
 * Raj: You’re only making it seem more real for me.
 * Howard: Hey, that’s my wife. If anyone’s gonna make her feel gross about sex, it’s me.
 * Raj: Can we please talk about something other than my depressing love life?
 * Sheldon: How about Penny’s depressing acting career?
 * Leonard: Hey. I mean, it’s been a little tough, but Penny’s following her dreams, and in my book, that is not depressing.
 * Penny: Aw, thank you.
 * Howard: Is that book called Lies I Tell to Get Sex?
 * Raj: Is that a real book? I would totally read that book.
 * Amy: Can I borrow it when you’re done?
 * Penny: Well, I’ll have you guys know I turned down a part in a movie last week.
 * Leonard: Why would you do that?
 * Penny: Because it was crap. It was the sequel to that awful killer gorilla I was in.
 * Bernadette: Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that!
 * Sheldon: She does. Forty-two minutes in.
 * Raj: While showering topless, sixteen minutes after a brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters.
 * Sheldon: I have an eidetic memory. I don’t know what his problem is.
 * Penny: Okay. Well there are no shower scenes in this one. They just try to clone me from my corpse, but my DNA gets mixed with the ape’s DNA and I end up running around with giant gorilla hands and feet.
 * Sheldon: Am I missing something or isn't that the part she was born to play?


 * Leonard: So are you really not gonna do this movie?
 * Penny: Well, I don’t think it’s the kind of part that’s good for my career.
 * Leonard: Well, but don’t a lot of famous actors get their start doing bad movies?
 * Penny: Okay, I don’t think Meryl Streep ever had to say “Must keep gorilla hands from killing again!”
 * Raj: If she did, it would be amazing. That woman can do no wrong.
 * Leonard: I don’t know anything about show business, so if you think it’s reasonable to turn down paid work and just burn through your savings, I’m sure you know what you’re doing.
 * Amy: I think we’re gonna go.
 * Sheldon: Are you sure? We were making fun of failed careers. We didn’t get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard’s.
 * Howard: Hey, I work at the same university you do.
 * Sheldon: Yes, and Hawkeye’s in the Avengers, but no one ever says "Help, Hawkeye".
 * Bernadette: (asks Sheldon crossly) Can I ask you something? Why do you constantly feel the need to put down my husband?
 * Penny: Oh, I’m sure he does it out of love. The same way my boyfriend makes me feel terrible about my life choices.
 * Amy: I think we’re gonna go.
 * Leonard: No, no, no. This is not a fight. I was just excited that someone offered you a part and a little surprised that you’d rather sit at home and do nothing than take it. Now it’s a fight.
 * Sheldon: Well, with that sorted out, I’m happy to answer your question, Bernadette. Howard started it.
 * Howard: I didn’t do anything. I was just sitting here.
 * Sheldon: I wasn’t referring to this evening. Ten years ago, upon first seeing me, your husband claimed that I looked like C-3PO and Pee-wee Herman. And he called me C-3P-wee Herman.
 * Raj: Ha-a-a. Still funny.
 * Bernadette: (she is now very cross) That was ten years ago.
 * Sheldon: Nine years, 11 months and three weeks ago, he followed that up by replacing the slides for my lecture with photographs of nude fat women bending over.
 * Amy: Really?
 * Howard: The lecture was on cosmic gas clouds. That’s funny.
 * Raj: I was there. It was funny.
 * Sheldon: In any event, that began a decade-long progression of insults, pranks and unwanted magazine subscriptions. To this day, I still get a monthly copy of Granny on Granny. Which, other than its surprisingly fun puzzle page, is complete filth.


 * Penny: [Car clanking] Uh, that doesn't sound good.
 * Sheldon: Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?
 * Penny: Yes.
 * Sheldon: Well, get ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny, your check engine....
 * Penny: Yeah, I know it’s on, Sheldon! Oh, no, no, no, no. I cannot afford this right now.
 * Sheldon: Maybe it’s just something minor. [Engine clanks] [Steam hissing] Ooh, good news, the light just went out.


 * Leonard: Are we playing individual or teams?
 * Raj: Teams are fun.
 * Sheldon: Oh, in that case I’d like to be partnered with my good friend Howard.
 * Raj: But I’m always on Howard’s team. We’re best friends. The kind who finish each others…
 * Howard: I really don’t think we do tha…
 * Raj: Do that. See?


 * Penny: Now that girl’s gonna get discovered and become famous and go on Letterman and talk about how she got her big break on some cheap monkey movie all because some dumb girl thought it was beneath her.
 * Leonard: At least they talked about you on Letterman.


 * (The scene of Bernadette's car)
 * Howard: That’s Sheldon. He says he’ll be down in a minute.
 * (Howard holds his phone up the ceiling of her car)
 * Bernadette: (not very happy by this) What are you doing?
 * Howard: Oh, he’s not coming out until he sees proof you don’t have an air freshener in your car.
 * Bernadette: (informs him shiftily) This is gonna be a long weekend for you.
 * Howard: You’re the reason I’m doing it.
 * Bernadette: (snaps at him crossly) I said to stop insulting each other. I didn't tell you to take him on a romantic getaway.
 * Howard: How do I know what you said? Damn you and your noise canceling breasts.
 * (Bernadette smiles shiftily, just as Sheldon enters the back of Bernadette's car)
 * Sheldon: Hello.
 * Bernadette: Hi.
 * Howard: Hey, buddy.
 * Bernadette: You excited for Texas?
 * Sheldon: Oh, very much so.
 * Howard: It’s not every day you get to tour NASA with a real astronaut.
 * Sheldon: Oh, who’s the real astronaut?
 * (Bernadette drops her smile for a second and Howard thinks for a few seconds)
 * Howard: Buzz Aldrin.
 * (Sheldon hits his travel bag with excitement)
 * Sheldon: Oh. Yay.
 * (Bernadette opens her mouth crossly for a second, Howard looks at Bernadette putting another smile of shiftiness)


 * Leonard: Come on, don’t look so sad. You never know what’s gonna happen. Maybe tonight will be great.
 * Penny: Sweetie, I know you’re trying to make me feel better, and I love you for that, but it’s making me feel worse, and I kind of hate you.
 * (Leonard opens the door to a random car parked by the building)
 * Penny: This isn't your car.
 * Leonard: I know. (pulls out a key) I thought we’d take yours.
 * Penny: I don’t understand.
 * Leonard: It’s nothing fancy but it’ll get you to auditions and at least for now you don’t have to go back to waitressing.
 * Penny: I don’t know what to say.
 * Leonard: Don’t say anything.
 * Penny: Oh my God.
 * Leonard: I mean you could say thank you, I did just buy you a car.


 * Sheldon: [Tap-tap-tap], Howard [Tap-tap-tap], Howard [Tap-tap-tap], Howard.
 * Howard: What now?
 * Sheldon: I have to go to the bathroom.
 * Howard: You just went to the bathroom.
 * Sheldon: I didn't use it because it didn't seem safe. Despite all my emails, the toilet didn't have a seat belt.
 * Howard: Well, it still doesn't.
 * Sheldon: I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.


 * Howard: How about in the car? I’m an astronaut and you know it. You just don’t like admitting it because you’re jealous.
 * Sheldon: Well, truth be told, as a child I did dream of going to space. Those astronauts were my heroes and when you got to go it was hard for me...
 * Howard: Thank you.
 * Sheldon: ...because it made me realize they'll just send anyone up there.


 * Leonard: You sure you want to do this?
 * Penny: Yeah. Why wouldn't I want to get my old job back? It’ll be fun to see everyone. I haven’t talk to them since I said, “I quit! See you at the Oscars, bitches.”


 * Sheldon: I’m sorry for every mean thing I ever did or said to you.
 * Howard: I’m sorry too. It’s all my fault.
 * Sheldon: If you weren't my friend, there’d be a hole in my life.
 * Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: Kind of like when Firefly was canceled. But not as big.