Scoot to the Goot

1 [Whirring] [Title music] [Whirring] Man: It's alive! [Thunder rumbles] Narrator: Now back to Davenport, the Drama Llama. The tempter or the tempted, who sins most? [Spits] Tis not she nor doth she tempt but it is I that lying by the virtue of the sun does as the carrion and not as the flower, corrupt with virtuous [Continuous spits] beauty. [Cheers and applause] Thanks for inviting me, Penelope. Oh, I'm sorry Peppa-Mint. So what's Chef Club about? - Chef Club is about friendship! - Cool! All: And owning stuff! Like my new Sparkle Clean dishwasher. [Laughing heartily] Hey, gals! Why don't you slide those dirty plates in me, like you're supposed to? I always let my husband do the dishes. [Chuckles] [All gasp] She didn't mean it, Baby! Hey, do you guys want to take a walk or something, like, outside? You haven't even tried out my super rare Moonlight Dazzle Mop. [Laughing heartily] Drag my face on the floor! Holy shit! Okay, does he feel pain? - Who cares? - Yea [Gargling] Yeah, I think I might take off. Aw, come on, Sara. Sit on my face some more. Oh, my God! The chair talks, too? Mm-hmm. Just like the locks on the doors, and the bars in the windows, so we never, ever, ever have to leave our stuff again! [All chanting] Stuff! Stuff! Hello? Jeff? I need you to come pick me up, right now. I'm your husband now, Sara. Euuaaaggghhh! Aah! Aah! [All chanting] Stuff! Stuff! [Screams] - Ready for our first patient, Doc? - Achoo! I'd say he has a cold, Mom. You're right, Doc. What do you recommend? Plenty of rest and some chicken soup. And he'll be good as My baby! She got hit by a car! Pupils fixed and dilated. Possible subdural hematoma. [Gasps] We need to intubate. Wind pipe is crushed. Trach her! [Gasps] Her heart stopped! I'm going in! - Maybe she just needs a pick-me-up song! - Rib spreader! A doctor's office is a real nice place! [Grunting] A lollipop puts a smile on your face [Exhales sharply] Come on, breathe, damn it, breathe! [Retches] [Vomits, coughing] Phew! All in a day's work, right, kiddo? I want to be an accountant. I can be anything I want! After all, we animals overcame our baser instincts and now we're thinking, caring, talking creatures. Wahhhh! My insides are outside! [Whimpers] What kind of world is this?! Eughh, bugs! Gross! [Vipers whirring] [Chuckling] Whoops! Almost forgot my life preserver. Oh, Jesus, I just need to see this. Oswald, you know you're an octopus, right? - You literally cannot drown. - Safety first! - Oh [bleep] me. - [Grunts] Oohh! Huh. Um Huh. [Heavy metal music] Road Hawgs, Road Hawgs What, what Mutant teen pig-people hogs are Road Hawgs, Road Hawgs Road Haaaaaawgs! Manpig, Pigman, Flank, and Steve They're pigs on wheels that honk and squeal - # Road Hawgs - Used to be human, no one fightin' # But their dad accidentally turned them into swines Road Hawgs, Road Hawgs Swallow porcine DNA Road Hawgs, Road Hawgs Now they're mutated in a terrible way - # Road Hawgs # - Hawg-tacular! If we're ever gonna find an antidote, we'll need to stop Dr. Bovine from - Hey, where's Flank? - Saw him out back earlier. Steve, have you seen Flank? Uhh [Dramatic music] - No. - Steve?! Guys, uh, look [Laughing] I just I love bacon soooo much! - It's so good! - Us too, buddy. Us too. - Then I guess Let's eat, man! - Trickin' awesome! Road Hawgs! Announcer: Brought to you by the makers of "Cheese League. " Narrator: And now, Taking A Guess At Shows We Don't Watch. Nacho cheese! Nacho cheese! In Seattle? [Splashing water] Cheese Seattle in? Oh, my God. The time! [Gulping] Ahh! Shake it off! [Bleep] keys! Ruhh! [Glass shatters] [Tires screech] Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. - Smells like beer. - Buddy, I just forgot. [Sighs] You always forget. Son Daddy's going through a tough time, but - I love you more than life - Look out! [Screams, tires screeching] Please, God! Someone help me! - My son needs a doctor! Please! - I can help! - You can? Are you a doctor?! - Yes, my friend. My name is Dr. Sunjayvandanacandanapecarpecar. Huh?! Welcome to Westworld, where you can you live out your every fantasy. This better be good, Ford. I present to you our very first host, Dolores, generation one. She's so lifelike! No, no, no. Not "she. " It. We must never forget that the hosts are not real. I mean, I'll try, but Wow. [Clears throat] Dolores, take one. Howdy, y'all! Can they, you know, uhhhh, have sex? Why don't you ask it? Hello, Dolores? You look lovely. May we have sexual intercourse? [Take recorder rewinding] Yes to the thing you said! Whoo! Ow! All right! Don't wait up! [Door opens, slams shut] Imagine a whole world of these hosts. [Grunting] Catering to your every [Moaning, air hissing] I broke it. Also, the tape recorder gave me a gash on my forehead. [Tape recorder rewinding] [Mumbling nonsensically] [Tape recorder rewinds] [Mumbling nonsensically] Huh. That's a boner killer. Wow, I can't believe I'm finally getting Lasik surgery! Wow, I can't believe they sold a laser to a rabbit! Hi, we're the American Pickers, cruising the country and learning about history while digging through other people's junk. Mind if we come in and have a look around? [Mumbling] - Whoa, Frankie, do you see that? - Yeah, Mike. I do. 1917 Goldstein Brothers cast-iron stove. In the stove-picking game, this is the holy grail. So what would you need for the stove? $500? [Chain saw buzzing] - Wow! - As usual, Frankie comes out the gate with a low-ball offer and nearly blows the whole pick. What about these meat hooks? Would you take $100 apiece? [Mumbling agreeably] I'm a meat-hook guy. Meat hooks are big sellers in our Nashville store. I got Leatherface to come down on the stove, and even though it cost me an arm, it didn't cost me a leg. That's what I call a good pick! Woman: What happens when four best friends write each other letters about how they really feel? [Music] The letters have been delivered. "We're best friends, and I love you. " Aw! "But I have to tell you that you're weak. I mean, I've heard of damsels in distress, but you make Princess Peach look like Ronda Rousey"? What? Okay, who wrote this? Can't wait for that letter. [Chuckles heartily] "For the love of God, get some [bleep] contacts. " That's all they wrote? "I think you two have a serious addiction problem. " Like, oh, boy, Scoob. They're sayin' we gotta stop eatin' Scooby Snacks! They rrha'?! [Chuckles] What do you mean I don't have a letter? Man: Um, the show is only about four best friends. [Chuckles nervously] You're kidding, right? I didn't make the cut? Did the dog make the cut? Woman: Each friend has one week to improve themselves. I can't believe they called me a damsel in distress. [Train whistle approaching] Wait a minute [Chuckling] This is not my yoga class. - Give us the mic! - Give me my letter! Like, dude, we can do it, old pal. Just one week. With nuh with no With no [bleep] Scooby Snacks, man! Like, I'm freakin' out! [Bleep] No! Woman: It's been a week since the gang received their letters. Let's see if they fixed their flaws. Like, man, I will sell you a body part for one Scooby Snack! I'd rrhuck your rrhick! [Sobs] Guys I got Lasik! - Rra'?! - They're still healing. [Door bursts open] [Grunts] Enough sittin' around, shit for brains! - Let's do this!! [Grunts] - Ow! Hmm if the owner died a decade ago, why start haunting now? Oh, I'm sorry. Were you talking to me? - The fifth wheel? Because - Let's get this son of a bitch! - Hey! - Who's your mother?! - Ow! - Yeah! Get over here! [Glass shatters] [Grunting] Now let's see who the "ghost" really is. [Grunting] [All gasping] [Vomits] Butler. Called it. 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