Surro-Gate

Nothing says "American family" like raising the flag with your wife and two kids. Let Wednesday begin. Look at that bald eagle, kids. Majestic. "I'm dead, and I need a kiss. " Cut it out. Go. Get it away. I will kill you. Steve, Hayley, knock it off. Steve, go mail that to Donovan McNabb. See if he'll sign it. Hey, it's our favorite gay neighbors. What are you guys doing today? Shopping? Brunching? Parading? Or taking the day off and just being gay? Dad, what are you doing? Just reminding Greg and Terry I'm cool with the man-on-man crowd. You two probably wanna gossip. Dish, you queenie bitches. Actually, we do have some big news. - We've decided to have a baby. - Congratulations. Are you adopting? No, we're having our own. Terry thinks we can handle this sort of seismic life change so here goes nothing. Take my hand. Guys, guys, a baby's not like a fire. You can't just rub two sticks together and: We're doing in vitro fertilization. - In vitro? What's that? - Well, we've got an egg donor. They'll combine her eggs with our sperm and implant those embryos in a surrogate where, God willing, one of them will grow to term. I thought I saw every episode of Star Trek. Wait, is this Deep Space Nine? I won't watch that. It's garbage. I'll tell you why. One Stan, this isn't science fiction. It's real fiction. And I think it's fantastic. We're even converting our gym into a nursery. Which is fine, because I don't need to work out ever again. Help me. I don't believe it. I let them be gay, and this is how they repay me? What's that supposed to mean? If two men open up to each other and share a love more exquisite than anything a man and woman could ever find together, that's their problem. But when they try to bring a child into it, I gotta put my foot down. Well, excuse me, but who are you to say whether they should have kids? A concerned American, Francine. I've always said you can't raise normal children in an abnormal environment. You know what that'll do to society? Girls playing with trucks. Boys playing with dolls. Horses eating each other. Yes, horses eating each other. - Read the Bible. - Well, I admire Greg and Terry. They're taking their lives to the next level. Francine, it's unnatural. I mean, why don't I just start a family with the couch? Hey, kids. How was school? Brush your teeth. Stay off drugs. Hello, wife. Miss me? I missed you. Oh, man, the things I'm gonna do to you. Lie on your stomach. I'll prop you up with the kids. - Stan. - See how weird it gets, Francine? - Three, two, one. - Three, two, one. - We totally got you. - We totally got you. Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years, my conduct has been largely benign and yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So go now. Go! And begin your life of fear knowing that, when you least expect it the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you cleaving you in twain. And as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life you will regret the day you crossed the wrong fish. He didn't think it was funny. I found some of Steve and Hayley's baby clothes in the basement. I'm gonna bring them to Greg and Terry's. Good thinking, Francine. They can put them on their dog and forget about this baby thing. All they wanna do is dress something up. No. This is for when they have their baby. They're doing a wonderful thing, and I want them to know that I support them in this beautiful endeavor. I couldn't agree more. Just replace "support" with "condemn" and "beautiful endeavor" with "horrible abomination. " My shipment of Bavarian chocolate. Are you crazy? What if Klaus got to it first? You heard him. He wants to cleave us in twain. It looks like chocolate. You know what else looks like chocolate? Poison when dipped in chocolate. Lovely day. - Yes, lovely. - Yes. He's a psychopath. - Let's hide in your attic. - And never go to sleep. - We could take turns sleeping. - You are fantastic under pressure. Stay humble. Hi, Terry. I just wanted you guys to know I think it's great what you're doing and I'm here for you two. So I brought you some of Steve and Hayley's old baby clothes. Thanks, but at this rate, we're not gonna be having a baby. Greg keeps shooting down all our surrogates. - We're down to two candidates. - Yellow teeth. - She's a smoker. She's out. - Okay, so down to one. Oh, no. Terry, look. This girl lists her favorite movie as Erin Brockovich. Is that the message you want our baby to absorb in utero? Show your boobs to get clean drinking water? You know what? I'm exhausted. You exhaust me. You can't blame him for being picky, Terry. You're putting a lot of trust in a complete stranger. What are we gonna do? - I'll do it. - What? - I'll carry your baby. - Really? It makes perfect sense. I live right across the street and both pregnancies were a breeze for me. Doctor says I have a big, spongy cervix. Listen to me bragging about my vagina. It's last week's PTA meeting all over again. Stan, honey? Yes? Remember how I said I wanted to help Greg and Terry? Well, a couple weeks ago, I agreed to be their surrogate and now I'm pregnant with their baby. Francine, what the hell? You have something you wanna tell me? You need me alive. I'm the only one who remembers where you took off your shoes. We'll tell him later. You guys have been so great, making us dinner every night. And how good do you feel sticking to the appropriate gay activities instead of that baby nonsense? And, look, you got to wear an apron. That's almost a dress. - I'll clear. - No, no, no. Let me. No, no. Let her. She needs to get some exercise. Look how fat she is. My God, you've let yourself go. You made your point, Francine. I love you for who you are. Jeez. I'm gonna go look at thin women online. I can't believe you haven't told him you're pregnant. - I can't believe Stan hasn't noticed. - I can't believe a lot of things: That there's life on Mars, that someone's married to Larry King that the Harlem Globetrotters have never lost a ga - The baby's kicking. - Greg, feel. Oh, God. What does it want? I can't give it what it wants. I'm a terrible father. I'm Bing Crosby. Has this can been out of your sight at any point? - No. Yes. No. I can't remember anymore. - Well, how am I supposed to eat it? Just sitting here, month after month, waiting for Klaus' revenge it's maddening. - I hear something. - It's him. He's doing it. Hold on. It was just a spider. Steve, it was just a spider. - Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? - Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Wait. Unless he sent the spider to distract us from what he's doing behind us! - There's nothing there! - Yeah, this time! My son hasn't been to school in six months? I'm sure that's not right. You Oh, I have another call. Hold on. Or don't. I'm not coming back. Hello? Test results? But my wife's far too fat to be pregnant. Okay, let's play the CD your daddies bought for you. You sleep in a stomach. Outside a stomach. Your doctor called. He said the baby you're carrying for two gay men is fine and you should be very excited. Do you know how many babies are born without an anus? That's it. No more WebMD for you. You impregnated my wife. And now I'm gonna kick your tight little asses. Oh, you want some? Rumble, Terry. Stop dancing so I can hit you. This fight is unbearably campy. Stan, leave them alone. They didn't ask me to be their surrogate. I offered. I'm proud of what I'm doing, and you should be too. Well, I'm not. I think what's going on in there is wrong. I think what's going on in there is wrong. So taking what's in there and raising it in there is super-wrong. Well, it's happening whether you like it or not. Francine! - Did we miss the rumble? - Yes. Oh, you had to go back and change your belt. Francine, you are single-handedly bringing on the downfall of society. It's my body, it's my decision. You accused Greg and Terry of creating a bad environment for this child. You're the one who's stressing Mom out. - That's not good for the baby. - But Do you wanna be responsible for hurting an unborn life? Do you? - No. - Stop thinking of yourself and start thinking about what's best for the baby. Honey, I'm sorry. Whether I like it or not, you're pregnant. And I have to start thinking about the baby's well-being. So from now on, we're in this together. - Stan, I'm using the bathroom. - Then I too will use the bathroom. Oh, Stan. Okay, camera's rolling. And here we have our two big manly men building the baby's crib. I feel like I'm Tim Allen. - Guys, my water broke. - What? - Okay, here we go. - Oh, no. No, no. I'm not ready. No, no, no. No, no, no. - Greg, get in the car. - No, no, no. Greg. - Greg. - No! Remember when you thought you couldn 't wade through the foam on the dance floor? Well, you did that, and you can do this. Okay, it's my turn to stand watch. You can take your nap. Pretty eager for me to go to sleep. - So tell me, how's he been? - How's who been? You're working with the fish. Me? How do I know you're not working with him? I'll tell you how. - Look at us. - We've gone crazy. - We can't live like this anymore. - We have to confront Klaus. Yes. We must confront him. Is this an accurate mirror? Look how long my arms are. Disgusting. Face saves it, though. Face is glorious. Steve, I want you to lean over and kiss my chest. Stay in the mirror. It's a girl. - It's a girl. - It's a girl. - She's beautiful. Oh, Greg, here. - No, no, no. I am in love with this baby. Stan, look at my precious little gift from heaven. Oh, Terry, thank you. Stop. You were great. We all were: You, me, Francine, Stan. Stan? Where's Stan? Don't you worry, little girl. We're gonna find you a real home. And now the Channel 3 Noon Report with anchor partners Greg Corbin and Terry Bates. A baby was reported missing today from Langley Memorial Hospital. - The incident occurred at - He took our baby! - He just took her! - Get a picture of her on-screen. - I don't have a picture. - Then describe her. - She looks like an angel. - What am I doing? I was a reporter, for God's sakes. I'll track her down. - You were a food critic. - You don't think I can find her? I found a decent beignet at the airport, I can find a baby. I can't believe your father would do something like this. - I can. - Yeah, I guess I can too. I don't know why I said that. - Hello? - Francine, it's me. - Stan, where are you? - I'm here with Liberty. - Who? - Liberty Belle. It's the name I gave the baby I'm saving. Poor girl, I think she's slow. She's just staring at her cheeseburger. - Stan, you bring her back right now. - Sorry, Francine. I've prayed on this. I'm taking her to Nebraska to put her up for adoption. What? You can't give someone else's baby away. Nebraska begs to differ. Gay couples have no legal rights there. Once I cross that state line Greg and Terry can kiss their custody goodbye. You're never gonna get away with this, Stan. You know I'm gonna tell them. Why would you even call me? Something hard and black fell off the baby's bellybutton. I thought it was beef jerky, and Am I gonna die, or am I stronger than ever? Okay, you win. Just do it already. - Do what? - Get your revenge. - The water slide? The practical joke? - Oh, yes. I had forgotten. Good. Good. Good. Us too. But now that you have reminded me the humiliation I suffered that day will not go unpunished. My pain is the bubbling caldron of molten steel that will forge the saber of your demise. I shall not be denied my vengeance! Don't know why we didn't think of that nine months ago. Thirty dollars on 2, and a cup of coffee for the baby. She keeps dozing off. It's been 19 hours. We're still looking for the man who kidnapped our baby. If any of our brethren in the Rainbow Truckers Brigade spot him please try to stop him. They were recently seen at the Stuckey's off Interstate 280. Liberty, they're onto us. When will I learn? Every time I let a man take a picture of me in a bathroom, it goes bad. We're nearly to Nebraska, Liberty. Fifty miles to the freedom of an orphanage where we'll get you some real parents. Hey, look, the heartland's on our side. The Rainbow Truckers. - Get on. - Who are you? A friend. Hold on. Or my waist. I can't thank you enough, Lily. Well, when Al and I heard about you on TV, we knew we had to help. Jason, this is Stan and Liberty. - They're gonna stay for dinner. - Nice to meet you. Well, that's a good, strong handshake, young man. You remind me of the kid from Old Yeller. - Let's go shoot your dog. - I don't have a dog. We'll get you one, and then we'll shoot it. Stan, this is my daughter, Mary. Oh, a baby. I love babies. Jesus was a baby. Yes, he was. And he was also a murder victim. Oh, Al's home. Kids, go wash up for dinner. Lily, you have fantastic children, a beautiful home. I can't wait to meet your husband and shake his hand. Hi, honey. I see you found him. Sir, I must tell you, you have a lovely family. You're a lucky man. Actually, "Al" is short for "Alison. " I'm a woman. Right. You know, I love long hair on a man. Grown-up Jesus had long hair, but his breasts weren't as luscious - Holy shit, you're a woman! - Yes. Lily's my partner. - We're a lesbian couple. - Oh, my God. Does Al know? Stan, we thought if we showed you how happy and healthy our family is you'd see that there's nothing wrong with a gay couple raising children. I don't know what to say. I was wrong. You've really opened my eyes. I'm just gonna go change Liberty real quick and then we'll all sit down to a beautiful meal. See, honey? We enlightened a bigot. We just made the world a little better. We could have turned him in to the cops but that would've just created another monster. - Instead, we changed a mind. - We changed a heart. This is why we left Reseda. This, right here. Let me see if I got this right. You kidnapped us from a loving home and are taking us to an orphanage? Yes. Your nightmare is over. It might take years, but maybe someday a straight family will adopt you. But we already have a family, and you said we're a great family. You seemed like a great family, but you can't be. There's two mothers and no father. Jason, who's gonna teach you to play football? - My football coach. - Well, okay, that could work. Mary, who's gonna carry you on their shoulders so you can see the parade? My mom. She's 6 feet in heels. - Move your stupid doll. It's in my space. - She's not stupid, you're stupid. - She's my doll. Give her back. - Give me that. Steve, Hayley, knock it off. I mean Wait. You fight just like my kids. - Just like normal kids. - We are normal kids, you moron. And none of the horses are eating each other. Oh, no. Why'd he stop? - Mom. - Mommies. - Our angel. - I'm sorry, guys. I was wrong. Raising kids doesn't take straight parents, it takes loving parents. So I'm gonna take a chance and let you guys raise your own child. Come on, give me a hug. You know you want to. That wasn't campy at all. Oh, she is so cute. - Don't forget, you're gonna babysit. - We don't need a babysitter. With her at home, why would we ever wanna leave? - Did she smile when I said that? - No. You ever gonna drop the restraining order? No. She likes sugar in her coffee.