Julia Rogerts

1 - (splatter) - Stan! What are you doing with my fancy jam?! I'm getting an iguana. What are you talking about? Duh! I need the jar for my crickets. (crickets chirping) The guy at the pet store wouldn't sell me the iguana until I could show him a big jar of crickets to prove I could feed the iguana I think. I was so excited I just ran out of there. Stan, you jerk! That was the jam I got at Colonial Williamsburg! Now I have to go back, and it's so boring! Well, if something's that important to you, maybe put a note on it! Oven's clean. I feel like I'm always screwing up with Francine. - You are. That's accurate. - Gets me tense. - I feel like I'm wound so tight. - You are. You're like a wire that's been wound around a thing super tight. That's me. You're telling my story. You got to cut loose. Cutting loose. That's the dream. Well, let's do it. You're my boy, and I'm always here to help. Sorry, I'm kind of down to the dregs, but we'll make it work. - (glass shatters) - To cutting loose. (to the tune of "Footloose") Loose Cut loose Let us drink some more booze Wow Oh, wow Chug this blue CuraÃÂ§ao Lis terine It's a booze 'cause it's green Quaker Stake - (music stops) - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. (slurring) I have a better idea. We can drink this. (slurring) It's got a a note on it. Ho, ho, ho! I'm Santa. You should get coal, but it's wine. (laughs) (cork pops) I think it's happening. I'm loose. I'm turnin' it loose Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U. S. A. Aah! Good morning, U. S. A. Okay. The cheapest Faberge egg is $79,000? He's worth it. Can I get that with a side of bejeweled hash browns? (laughs) Nothing. Guess you're all business down there in Clearwater, huh? Okay, Stan Smith. Visa 481 - Roger? - Nope! - Are you wearing my pants? - With your blessing. We both agreed I look better in them. "Stan, do not drink. " (gasps) Was this on Francine's wine? Oh, God, this is so much worse than the jam! KLAUS: Stan, it's me. I've come to reprimand you for using Francine's jam! You know what I love about going to the movies? Turning my phone back on. My favorite part is clapping at random credits like I'm a Hollywood insider. That's what Barry does. He claps for the Grips. Barry? Who's Barry? My friend, Barry. Hmm. No. I don't think I've met him. You're telling me you've never met Barry? I don't think The Japanese kid? No, the fat one. He's super fat. Just think, you got to know Barry. I am thinking, Steve. All I do is think. This is crazy. Do Do you know Snot? Um Snot's not for everyone, but Barry Barry's for you. This has to happen. Think I forgot my hoodie in the theater. Yeah, yeah, great. Go get it. Enjoy these last few days of being Jeff who doesn't know Barry. Arrangements must be made. Everything has to be perfect. What if I do too much and ruin everything? You know, I'm gonna be hands off. Let nature take its course. But sometimes, nature needs a little push. (sips) There are many ways to play this. The wine's out of stock everywhere. The vineyard doesn't even exist anymore. I'm screwed. Francine will never forgive me for drinking that wine. What if we made the wine? What if we just made it? Have you seen "The Martian"? If Matt Damon can grow potatoes out of his own feces, we can do this, especially if we already had some of Matt Damon's feces. (rattles) It's dry because it's from "School Ties. " Can't have Francine knowing what we're up to. This way, whenever she looks out the window, she'll think you're practicing basketball. You don't play basketball on the lawn. How about we say I'm playing "grassketball"? Deal. Say hello to me, Mario Vincent Sangervasi. How are we gonna make an exact replica of Francine's wine? We're gonna make it exactly the same way it was made the first time. Same vine, same soil, imported from France. - (thunder rumbles) - On this day, it was sunny, so we're gonna find some sun. Two best buds following the weather, wherever it takes us "weather" we like it or not. (laughs) - (cellphone beeps) - D'you hear that? Hey, babe, hey, I'm gonna be spending what looks like a significant amount of time working on my jump shot in the backyard. I ask that you please not disturb me and trust that I will come out the other side a reliable shooting guard for this family. (cellphone beeps) Who would've thought the weather in the Loire Valley on this day in July could be exactly replicated behind a Waffle House dumpster in Fort Worth. I almost forgot. The wine maker smoked a pipe. And that affects the vine? It all affects the vine. And Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time" was at the top of the charts when our wine was made. Can the vine see your outfit? This is for you. (gasps) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Roger, stop! Roger! Oh, is my dick showing, like Cher's did? No, there's a tornado! Yeah, that's why we're here, silly. (tires squeal) A twister hit the vines in '89! It whipped them around real good. Only the sweetest grapes were left on the vine. (wind howling, tires screech) This is the big mama, Stan. We got to secure the truck! Roger, the vine! Stan, the Roger! (truck creaks) Look at us! We're farmers! Roger, it seems like we might die here. What? Why? You were just trying to help me out. I'm sorry it ended up like this. It's okay. You would've done the same for me. Uh-huh. Hey, Stan. Couldn't help but notice you took a little pause there. W-Would you do this for me? Um No. No, probably not. Oh. Well, you've hurt me terribly, so (cries) (cries) (cries) There's a corpse in here! (cries) (cries) There's maggots in its mouth! I'm going out the top! That's Julia. She's new in town. I heard she was hurt terribly by a man she loved. Poor, sweet, fragile thing. I heard she's looking for a fresh start. I heard she had her bottom ribs removed so she could go down on herself. Gentle song Gentle song - (bells ring) - Aah! Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. No, it's okay. I thought you were that monster Stan. No! I won't even say that name. Stan. Never mind. You're here to buy dried flowers. Anything here catch your eye? - This vine. - The vine's not for sale! It's an all-too-perfect reminder of a past I never want to remember. I couldn't part with it. Now, let's get you some dried flowers. I have some peonies that are very dry, and some tulips that are quite dry, as well. Do you have any dry roses? My roses are like bones in a desert. Oh, I haven't had a bone in my desert in years. Damn, old lady! How's he shooting? - I haven't seen him miss. - Wow. That's our guy. Hey, what're you guys doing here? Jeff is meeting Barry today. I need the room. Oh, God, that's today? I have to give Jeff his bath! You were supposed to give him a bath last night! And you were supposed to go to the mall! I didn't want to go by myself. (sternly) That's what we have Klaus for. Gentle song Gentle song (screams) JESSE: Are you all right? I'm Jesse. You must be Julia. It's very nice to finally meet you. Put the whole idea out of your head. It'll never happen. You're just a silly handsome fool. And don't try to follow me or my flowers. Oh, I ran out. Well, then definitely don't try to follow me or my trail of Miller Lite tall boys. (cans clattering) Wow. You really like that fudge. (laughs) So, why dried flowers? I think it's inspiring that something once so vibrant and full of life can still be delicately beautiful even after so many terrible things have happened to me. Sounds like dried flowers are a little like you. (scoffs) That seems like a stretch. I can't believe that Stan fella. If I ever get my hands on him (exhales slowly) Oh, Jesse. Oh, Julia. Would you go to the harvest festival with me? You're sweet as fudge, Jesse, but I'm just not ready to get back out there. Aren't you awfully lonely? Oh, I have Percy, my service rooster. We look out for each other. And of course I have my vine. Your vine is dying, Julia. Let me plant it in my field, nurture it, keep it safe until it's strong again. How much is that gonna set me back? I wasn't gonna charge you. Oh, well, that's really generous of you. Your half of the fudge is six bucks. I brought you that fudge. (laughs) Oh, Jesse. (circus theme plays) Julia's perfect. I think she's the one. ROGER: Hey, farmer boy! Is that dance still available? Dance? Did I say 'Cause there's no dance. More just rides and games and stuff. Well, if we're not gonna dance, then I want fried butter. (dings) Pick your prize! I got Munions. Just like Minions, but more fun. When you touch them, you can feel the shredded Chinese newspaper inside. Babies love the sound. I like the sound of the bell. The bell is not a prize. It's part of the game. Jesse, I want the bell. Without the bell, my family starves! I beg you! Please take a Rastafarian Munion! (laughing) Oh! Jesse, this is it! I'm coming out of my shell! My bell! - (grunts) - (bell dings) You know what? I don't even care. I've escaped my old life and all the horrible darkness of my past is behind me forever! (both laugh) I'd like to test my strength. Oh, I don't work here. I said, I'd like to test my strength. Uh I guess we could wrestle. Hold daddy's butter. You're going back to your mom's house with a Munion. (sighing) I've had such a wonderful night, but I hope you understand, I-I can't let you come inside. I respect that. So, you can either do it on my back or my feet. Dealer's choice. Goodnight, sweet Julia! (engine starts) Jesse, get back here, you stupid farm boy! - (clicking) - Oh, that farm boy. Jesse, Jesse, Jesse. Percy! Stop that clicking. Damn clicking will be the end of me. (clicking fades) Ahh. (Percy caws) Percy? Percy? Jesse? (gasps) Stan! (bawks) How'd you track me down? You kept sending me postcards about how happy you are now and how much you like your new friends better than me, and then you sent me driving directions to your house. And you just had to come and beg my forgiveness and tell me how much you appreciate me, how much you miss me, and how much you want me back. Well, obviously you'll stop at nothing, so I might as well pack my bags and get to know this new you you keep talking so much about. Now, it's gonna take me some time to forgive you completely. I'm there. 100% forgiven. Get over here You know what? You've already come so far. I'll come to you. - I'm here for the vine. - (clicking) The vine? This is the new you? 'Cause he sure seems Damn it, Percy! - Stop the clicking! - (Percy bawks) Roger, that's enough! Grab the vine. We're going home. No! I'm the one who's had enough! (door slams) Oh, thank God, Jesse! The man who hurt me is here. And you brought the whole town, perfect. Go give him the country business. And you have torches. Nice touch. Oh, this guy's got, like, a scepter. That's cool. Oh, and you're tying me up so I'm not tempted to join the fight Always the gentleman. Now, here's something I can't figure. Why are these fine folks putting on crow masks? To honor the Crow God! She's the one! Grab the sacrifice! Now drive me to safety, benevolent mob. (all cheering) We gather to make a sacrifice to the Crow God. EDWIN: Sacrifice to the Crow God! Really, Edwin? You gonna do this right now? "You're gonna do this right now?" You're just mad 'cause you're not head Crow guy. (sarcastically) "Head Crow guy!" Ung Anyway only the blood of a pure maiden will appease the Crow God and ensure a bountiful corn crop. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Pure maiden? Me? I had sex with a guy on the truck ride over here. Now, who was he? He had a crow mask on. Ohh, it was him brown corduroys. Her talented mouth tells lies! Bring forth the executioner. (crows caw) On the count of three, I'm gonna cut your hands free. Stan? This is the guy who hurt me! Get ready for the country business, Stan. Kill them both! (mob shouting) Jesse, help! No, I get it, Stan. I get that they're trying to kill me. It was just hard for me to give up the dream of you getting worked over by a bunch of country bumpkins. I'd like to see them try. I would've been all like, "Bam, bam! Behind the door! Ba bam!" Second floor, Stan! - Bam, bam! - And I have a machine gun! (imitating gunfire) Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! - (gun clicking) - I'm out of ammo. Have some of mine. No, for real. Let's go! (imitates gun cocking) Just in case. This is crazy. Jeff and Barry have been in there so long. Well, what if they don't hit it off? This is the first time Jeff and Barry have met. They have a lot of ground to cover. I think it's a good sign. We don't know what it is! We haven't heard peep one out of them! We heard that sneeze a while ago. But no "Bless you. " Oh, that is true. Maybe it was a cough. Could be what Stan has. He hasn't been feeling well. (wind blowing) (mocking) "Maybe a cough. " Maybe it was a unicorn farting its way over the rainbow. Am I the only one not living in a fantasy world? You got this guy swimming around smiling, playing with his bubbles like an asshole! Hey, man, I was playing with the bubbles for like one second. No one wants Barry and Jeff to happen more than me. More than me?! It's gorilla time. Aah! Aaaaah! Let him go! This has been a long time coming. Oh, God! This is madness! My babies are gonna kill each other! - Stop! - We have an announcement. (shuddering) Jeff and I have decided to do a project together. Oh, yeah! (all cheering) Everybody wins! (bell dings) (bell dings) Quick thinking, Roger. A dried flower shop. No one on earth would ever come in here. (sighs) This is my shop. What? Well, this is the first place they'll look. I wanted you to see it. I put a lot of work into transforming this place. Can you believe it was a frame shop before? But I've utterly erased all memory of that. Now when people think of 24 Main Street, they think about one thing buying and selling dried flowers. That's right. I buy them, too. It's the GameStop model. I also sell PlayStation controllers. (pounding on door) They're inside the old frame shop! Son of a bitch. (bell dings, crashing) We're totally surrounded. No weapons, no way out. Sorry I got you into this, Stan. I was all hung up on how far you would go for me. And all you wanted was to make things right with Francine. And all you needed was this. - Francine's wine. - I made it from our vine. I don't even need this. I slapped a fake label on a bottle of Diet Rite. Francine said it was, and I quote, "The best wine she's ever had in her life. " (pounding on door) If you didn't need the vine, then then why did you come here? For you, to bring you home. But in the tornado, you said you wouldn't Yeah, I know. It's It's just It's hard for me to talk about my feelings. I'll do it for you. Just give my hand a little squeeze if I'm barking up the right tree. You care about me, Stan. You would go to great trouble for me. Okay, we're getting somewhere. Our friendship is so profound, it's like a love. Aww. Our love is developing a sexual component? (glass shatters) Oh, I felt something. I flinched 'cause of the brick. Riiiight. To our unconsummated friendship. To getting loose before we get murdered by crow people. (glasses clink) - Oh, God! - What do you think? There were only four grapes, so I topped it off with gasoline and a little bit of nitroglycerine for the tannins. That's what gives it its legs. And it pairs well with fudge. Oh, I'm fresh out. You know what? I'll just nip on over to the fudge shop. Hold up, what's this? It's my secret tunnel to the fudge shop. I can't believe you didn't mention this. Hey, I'm not particularly proud of stealing fudge, Stan. But I am proud of my tunnel. Doesn't feel like a tunnel, more like a lovely hallway. (pounding on door) (bell dings) (mob shouting) (classical music plays) Where the hell did they go? This is so frustrating. I'm starting to question if there even is a Crow God. Look, a sign from the Crow God. I never doubted you! (explosion) Whoa. This fudge is amazing. You should meet the lady who makes it. Oh, here she comes. (screaming)