Robin Brain

PARDON ME, BUT DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING FOR POST NASAL DRIP?

TRY LEECHES. THEY WORK FOR EVERYTHING.

[HICCUP]

BE STILL, PINKY. PINKY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT WILL TAKE TO BRING CIVILIZATION OUT OF THE DARK AGES?

UM, [HICCUP] GROOVY LAVA LAMPS?

A WORTHY GUESS, MY FRIEND. BUT I WAS THINKING, RATHER, OF PERSONAL HYGIENE. A SUBJECT, I SUSPECT, YOU KNOW PRECIOUS LITTLE ABOUT. THE AVERAGE ENGLISHMAN BATHES ONLY ONCE EVERY 6 YEARS. BUT SOON, THE MALODOROUS MASSES WILL HAVE WHAT THEY CRAVE MOST.

OH, LOVELY RUBBER HATS WITH [HICCUP] SQUEAKY DUCKBILLS ON THE FRONT?

NO, PINKY. BATH WATER. WE SHALL CONSTRUCT A MASSIVE WATER HEATER TO DELIVER HOT WATER THROUGHOUT THE LAND.

NARFETH!

NO LONGER PLAGUED BY PERSISTENT BODY ODOR, THE POPULACE WILL SHOW THEIR THANKS BY GIVING ME THE KEYS TO THE KINGDOM.

EGADETH, BRAIN, BRILLIANT! OH, WAIT, WAIT, WON'T THAT COST A LOT OF MONEY? HOW EVER WILL WE EVER GET IT?

I'M STILL TAKING THAT UNDER CONSIDERATION, PINKY.

MAYBE WE COULD CAPTURE ROBIN HOOD AND COLLECT THE BIG REWARD.

DON'T BE SILLY, PINKY. WE'D NEVER[DING] YES! PINKY, ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING?

WELL, I THINK SO-- [HICCUP] BUT KEVIN COSTNER WITH AN ENGLISH ACCENT?

NO, PINKY. I SHALL BE ROBIN BRAIN, A NOBLE OUTLAW WHO STEALS FROM THE RICH AND GIVES TO HIMSELF.

BUT DOESN'T ROBIN HOOD GIVE TO THE POOR?

YES, BUT WE DON'T WANT TO BE SUED FOR TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT. NOW, COME. WE MUST FIND A BAND OF MERRY MEN.

MAYHAPS THE VILLAGE PEOPLE ARE STILL IN TOWN. [HICCUP] WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT THESE HICCUPS, BRAIN?

TRY LEECHES, PINKY. THEY WORK FOR EVERYTHING.

THE TAX FOR CROSSING YON TOLL LOG IS 5 SHILLINGS.

YO, I JUST PAID A POTHOLE TAX UP THE ROAD. IT SEEM THE MORE I WALKETH, THE MORE I PAYETH.

THERE ARE 2 THINGS IN LIFE THOU CANNOT ESCAPE, TAXES AND BODY ODOR. BESIDES, IT ALL GOES TO EDUCATION. HEY! THEN HERE GOETH AN EDUCATION FOR YOU.

AAH!

STEP ASIDE, LUSTY INFANT. WE MUST PASS!

I THINK NOT, TINY TOT. I WAS HERE FIRSTETH.

THIS IS A DIAMOND LOG, GOOD FELLOW. THOSE TRAVELING IN PAIRS ALWAYS HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY.

WELL, HERE BE MY WAY.

TAKETH THAT, KNAVE. [GRUNTING] AND FURTHERMORE, THAT!

OWWWW!

AND YET, AD NAUSEAM, THAT! OWWW! AAAH!

YAY! ZORTETH! [HICCUP]

[PTOO] YOU HAVE BESTED ME, PUNY ONE. WHAT IS THE NAME I SHOULD TELL OTHERS THAT THEY SHOULD FEAR?

I AM ROBIN BRAIN. A NOBLE OUTLAW WHO STEALS FROM THE RICH.

AND GIVES TO HIMSELF. [HICCUP] OUCHETH.

I AM CALLED FRYER CHUCK.

A MAN OF THE CLOTH, ARE YOU?

NO, I'M A FRY COOK.

WE ARE FORMING A BAND OF MEN, FRYER CHUCK, AND TOGETHER WE SHALL DISINFECT THIS LAND.

OH, GOODIE. I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE IN A BAND.

HEAR ME, GOOD PEOPLE OF SHERWOOD. ARE YOU TIRED OF OVERTAXATION?

YES!

ARE YOU TIRED OF HYPERINFLATION?

ER, YES! I THINK SO.

I DON'T GET IT?

WHAT DID HE SAY?

ARE YOU MAD AS ALL GET OUT? [HICCUP]

All: YES!

SAY ONE, SAY YOU ALL, "I'M AS MAD AS ALL GET OUT, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

I'M AS MAD AS ALL GET OUT, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!

THEN, JOIN WITH ME, ROBIN BRAIN, AND TOGETHER WE SHALL TAKE BACK THIS LAND.

[CROWD CHEERING]

YOU SHALL BE MY MERRY MEN.

WHO YOU CALLIN' MARY?

[GULP] HEH, HEH. I MEAN, UH, YOU SHALL BE MY MIRTHFUL MEN?

WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS THAT?

WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?

HEY, WHAT DOES HE TAKE US FOR?

UH, BRAIN [WHISPERS] [HICCUPS]

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, PINKY. NO SELF-RESPECTING TEAM OF HEARTY HE-MEN WOULD WANT TO BE CALLED THE MIGHTY DUCKS.

I LIKE THAT.

WE'LL DO IT.

THAT SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD.

WHAT A NEAT NAME!

WELL, FORTUNATELY, THAT IS TAKEN, SO YOU SHALL BE, THE MIGHTY MALLARDS!

Crowd: HOORAY!

MAYBE IT'S TIME WE RAISED THE SALES TAX A COUPLE OF POINTS.

THINKST THOU THE PEOPLE WILL GO FOR IT?

WE'LL TELLETH THEM IT'S FOR EDUCATION.

[HORSE NEIGHS]

[QUACK QUACK]

[QUACK QUACK]

[QUACK QUACK]

[QUACK QUACK]

THE TAXMAN COMETH, PINKY. NOW, WE MUST LIBERATE THEIR ILL-GOTTEN BOOTY.

WON'T THAT TICKLE? [HICCUP]

SOUND THE CHARGE.

[GASPS] ROBIN HOOD!

THOU LOOKEST MUCH TALLER ON THY WANTED POSTERS.

I AM ROBIN BRAIN, A NOBLE OUTLAW WHO STEALS FROM THE RICH.

AND GIVES TO HIMSELF. [QUACK] [HICCUP]

[MURMURING]

HEAR YE, HEAR YE. ROBIN BRAIN STRIKES TERROR IN THE HEARTS OF THE RULING CLASS.

Brain: GO FORTH, MIGHTY MALLARDS, AND SELL, SELL, SELL FOR ROBIN BRAIN.

[MURMURS]

I'M SELLING MAGAZINES FOR ROBIN BRAIN.

OH, ROBIN BRAIN I'LL TAKETH 10! NAY, 20.

CARE TO BUY A ROBIN BRAIN CRUNCH BAR?

OOH!

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! ROBIN BRAIN DECLARED PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE! ROBIN HOOD DEMOTED.

[LAUGHTER]

PINKY, OUR OUTLAW DAYS ARE COMING TO AN END. SOON WE'LL HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUILD THE WATER HEATER.

OOH, I CAN'T WAIT TO TAKE A JACUZZI, BRAIN. [HICCUP] OH, OOH, THOSE LEECHES DIDN'T HELP AT ALL, BRAIN. AND THEY TASTED ICKY.

TRY HOLDING YOUR BREATH.

FOR HOW LONG?

FOREVER. [INHALES] [HICCUPS] [INHALES]

HA HA HA.

[ALL GASP] All: ROBIN HOOD!

ROBIN BRAIN, I PRESUME. I SAY, YOU LOOK MUCH TALLER ON YOUR WANTED POSTERS.

AND YOU LOOK MUCH SHORTER.

I SHOULD SUE YOU FOR TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT, ROBIN BRAIN.

YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE A CASE. THERE IS A KEY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US.

YES, AS MY LAWYERS HAVE POINTED OUT. I, ROBIN HOOD, ROB FROM THE RICH AND GIVE TO THE POOR. YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, ONLY GIVE TO YOURSELF.

[GASPS]

SHERWOOD FOREST ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR 2 OUTLAWS IN GREEN TIGHTS.

IF THAT IS A CHALLENGE, I ACCEPT. LET THE CONTEST BEGIN.

Man: A PERFECT BULLSEYE!

MATCH THAT, LITTLE MAN.

[HICCUP]

SILENCE, PINKY! I MUST CONCENTRATE.

SORRY, BRAIN, BUT THESE HICCUPS-

WHY DON'T YOU TRY DRINKING SOMETHING UNTIL YOU EXPLODE?

OK. POITETH. [HICCUP]

Man: IT'S A TIE.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

UHH!

Man: ANOTHER TIE.

PERHAPS WE SHOULD MOVE THE TARGET OUT TO A FAIR DISTANCE FOR TRUE CHAMPIONS TO SHOOT AT.

HA HA HA. IMPUDENT VARLET! SET THE TARGET BACK ANOTHER 50 PACES.

[SLURP] [LAUGHTER] WOOO, I'M CURED. OOOH, I FEEL FUNNY. NARFETH! HA HA HA!

BEAT THAT, LITTLE MAN.

[BELCH]

Man: ROBIN BRAIN WINS.

[CHEERING]

GOOD MEN OF SHERWOOD, THE TIME HAS COME TO TAKE BACK WHAT WE HAVE PLUNDERED.

All: HURRAH!

TOGETHER, WE SHALL WIPE OUT THE STINK THAT FOULS THE AIR OF THIS GREAT LAND.

THESE ARE LOFTY GOALS. HOW DO YOU PROPOSE TO CLEAN UP ALL OF ENGLAND?

WITH HOT WATER AND SOAP, OF COURSE.

BATHS FOR EVERYONE!

[MURMURING]

DEVIOUS KNAVES! YOU'LL KILL US ALL!

KILL YOU? NO, I--

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT HOT WATER AND SOAP IS A DEADLY COMBINATION.

PINKY, IT HAS BECOME PAINFULLY OBVIOUS THAT THESE PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO TAKE A BATH.

'TIS A PITY.

GET THEM!

GEE, ALL THAT WORK AND WE WIND UP TARRED AND FEATHERED.

MMM, I GUESS WE'RE THE ONES WHO'LL HAVE TO TAKE BATHS NOW, EH, BRAIN?

IF I COULD MOVE MY LIMBS, I WOULD HURT YOU, PINKY. NOW COME, WE MUST RETREAT TO THE APOTHECARY, RIP THE TAR FROM OUR BODIES, AND PREPARE FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.

WHY? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TOMORROW NIGHT,

BRAIN? THE SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY, TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

THEY'RE DINKETH, THEY'RE PINKETH AND THE BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN.

[HICCUP]