Mission: Imp Possible

(Setting: a lake with an island in the center. On the island is a Chinese-style building with a tower. Nefir is on the edge of the lake, talking to four of his imps.)

Nefir: In that tower is a worm that spins golden silk. You understand? (they nod) Golden silk that cures all ills… do you know what pharmaceuticals go for these days? That silk is worth a fortune. Oh, I want that silk… Now, go get it! Move it! Chop chop!

(The other imps try to fly across the lake, but bolts of electricity comes from the top of the tower and zaps them.)

Nefir: You worthless blockheads! I want it, I want it, I want it! Now, go get it!

(The imps try building a covered bridge across the lake, but before they finish a giant tentacle comes out of the water and crushes the bridge.)

Nefir: You lazy scum! You'll ruin me! Clods will get me nowhere. That's it. You're all laid off indefinitely. Scram! It's gonna take magic to get that worm. Like an ifreet or… a genie! Of course! That boy Aladdin has a genie!

(Setting: Aladdin's hovel, at night. Abu and Carpet are asleep. Aladdin is having trouble getting to sleep, and Genie, as a tiny shepherdess, is making sleep jump over Aladdin's head.)

Aladdin: …a thousand and six, a thousand and seven, a thousand and… I'm not falling asleep, Genie. Isn't there anything else we can try?

Genie: (reading a large book) Let's see what the Genie's Book of Home Remedies says. Hmm, black goat's bone twice boiled at midnight… Eye of newt, spleen of censor… Aha! Most exotic of all forbidden sleep potions. The dark and arcane secret whispered about only among the most powerful sorcerers: warm milk!

(Genie creates a glass of milk on a bunsen burner. He sticks his finger in to test the temperature, but it is so hot he turns bright red, his eyes pop out, and he starts bouncing all over the room, screaming. While this is going on, Nefir creeps up outside the window.)

Nefir: Ah, perfect! (pours something into the milk and leaves)

Genie: (landing) Trifle hot.

(Genie turns his hair into a fan and cools the milk, then hands it to Aladdin, who drinks it.)

Aladdin: Ah, that's better. Thanks Ge— (yawns) —nie. (passes out)

Genie: Gee, works better than I thought!

(Setting: Aladdin's hovel, the next morning. Everyone is there and awake, except Aladdin, who is still sleeping.)

Genie: Al! Hey, Al! (turns into a mom) C'mon honey, the school bus is here. (turns into a drill sergeant) Up and at 'em, soldier! (plays reveille on a bugle, then turns into an alarm clock with dynamite attached, starts ringing, and explodes)

Jasmine: He's in some kind of trance! There must be some way to bring him out of it.

Genie: Yes, but how can we cure him if we don't know what's making him sick?

(Nefir puts a scroll on the windowsill, knocks on the wall, then leaves again.)

Iago: (looking at the scroll) Hmm, and what have we here?

Jasmine: We've got to do something!

Iago: Guys! Oh, guys! Check this out! (hands Jasmine the scroll)

Jasmine: (reading) "He who seeks a cure must find the Worm of Panacea." It's signed, "a friend."

Genie: Oh, of course! The Worm of Panacea! Its silk can cure any illness!

Iago: Does it seem weird to anybody else that this scroll just happened to appear outta nowhere?

Jasmine: It is a little strange, but does anyone know of anything else that will cure him? Then I don't know what choice we have.

Genie: All we need is one tiny piece of the worm's golden silk.

Iago: Golden?!

Genie: Yes. Supposedly the purest gold there is. Tiny problem! You see, the worm is the ancient enemy of the imps! They imprisoned it ages ago. Which means the only one who would know where it is would be (gulp) an imp. And I hate imps!

Iago: Uh, yeah, whatever. When do we leave?

Jasmine: I don't think Genie needs you to—

Genie: Oh no! I'm not going alone! (grabs Iago and starts to hug him so tightly he's crushing him) I can't ask an imp for help by myself. What if I have to… touch him? I can't do it! Ooh! Imps! Filthy, loathsome, funny smelling imps. Ooh, just the thought of them makes me nauseous!

Iago: I sympathize! I also suffocate!

Jasmine: We'll stay here and watch over Aladdin.

Genie: Imps! Why did it have to be imps!

(Setting: Outside a house built in a giant tree. Genie and Iago are looking up at it.)

Genie: Whew! I can smell imps already.

Iago: This is where Nefir lives?

Genie: This is where he keeps his money. He lives over there. (points to a smaller tree house next door)

Iago: An imp after my own heart! Now remember, kiss up to him no matter what happens!

Genie: (knocking on the door) Oh, Nefir!

Nefir: (inside) Oh, yeah! I'm gonna enjoy this! (pulls a lever)

Genie: Aaaah!

Iago: Ooh! Ow!

Nefir: Who is it?

Genie: (dizzily) Genie…

Nefir: (unlocking his door and opening it) Oh, sorry about the security system. I thought you were big bad burglars. Come in!

Iago: (whispering) Go on, ask 'im now!

Genie: Uh, I— that is, uh, we— we've come to ask for your help.

Nefir: Hmm, I suppose I might help… if you begged me shamelessly.

Genie: I'll do it! Nefir, would you please take us to the Worm of Panacea?

Nefir: Hmf! You call that begging?

Genie: (falls down on his knees and starts to cry) Oh please take us!

Nefir: (yawns) A little more sincere, please. Let's see some tears, baby!

Genie: I— I beg you! I'll do anything! Oh, please, please, please!

Nefir: Well… okay.

Iago: How can you grovel like that? It's disgusting!

(Setting: at the edge of the lake.)

Nefir: Here we are. The stronghold of the worm. It's in that tower, but it's protected by magic. (hands Genie a bill)

Genie: (reading) "For safe conduct to stronghold of worm, please remit 400 dinari." Why you! (grudgingly hands Nefir a sack of coins)

Nefir: Hey, why don't you cross the moat first? I'm sure it's perfectly safe.

Genie: (shrugs and flies toward the tower) Hmm, looks quiet enough. (a bolt of electricity zaps him) Yow! (falls to the ground near the others) 

Nefir: Hmm, didn't expect that… Why don't you try swimming across?

Genie: Good thinking.

(Genie turns into a scuba diver and jumps into the lake. We can hear the sound of Genie being beat up by the giant octopus. Meanwhile Nefir files his nails. Genie climbs out of the lake with a tentacle wrapped around him.)

Nefir: Did I neglect to mention the giant octopus?

Genie: Yes you did! You wanna come see his guts?

(Genie grabs Nefir, and they're both pulled into the water by the octopus. Genie tries to escape by flying straight up into the air out of the lake. When he does he is hit by electricity, which goes through him and Nefir and electrocutes the octopus. The lightning rod on the top of the tower explodes, and the octopus groans and lets go of them.)

Iago: (smelling the boiling lake) Mmm, octopus soup! Yummy!

(Genie, exhausted, climbs out of the lake, pulling Nefir after him.)

Iago: I'm glad to see you two are getting along now.

(Genie notices he has an arm around Nefir, and pulls it away. Nefir hands him another bill.)

Genie: "One hundred thousand gallons octopus soup, please remit 900 dinari." Grrr!

(Genie turns into a jet ski and carries the others across the lake.)

Genie: Next stop, creepy fog-shrouded island of doom!

(They crash into the island and are thrown to the ground.)

Iago: So, where are we?

Nefir: This is the Bog of Forgetfulness! They say this mist can destroy your memory and rot your mind!

Genie: Whoa, kind of like cartoons.

Iago: You couldn't maybe warn us about this?! We could have gone around or something! But, no! Not a word! Now we're stuck here in… uh, where are we?

Nefir: Uh, this is the…uh, don't tell me…

Genie: Hey, what are we looking for?

Iago: Who are you guys!

Nefir: Allow me to introduce myself. Uh…

Genie: (shakes his hand) Always glad to make a new friend!

Iago: And I'm… I'm… I don't know. The only thing I remember is somethin' about… gold.

Nefir: This is great! I don't remember having any friends! But I do remember a worm…

Genie: That's right! I have a friend named Aladdin. That must be you!

Nefir: And you must be the worm!

(Nefir and Genie hug.)

Genie: Al!

Nefir: Worm!

Iago: We've gotta get moving, there's definitely gold somewhere. You know, you're big, blue and funny looking, you must be a genie. Turn into somethin' to help us out.

Genie: How about an elephant? An elephant never forgets. (turns into a hippo) Was this what I was supposed to turn into?

Iago: You weren't always a hippo?

Nefir: Well, try something else.

(Genie turns into a chicken, then a gecko, then a dragon. While he's a dragon he sneezes, burning Iago's tail feathers.)

Genie: Sorry.

(Genie turns into a fire hydrant and hose and sprays Iago with water. He then turns into a giant hair dryer and, by accident, blows away the forgetfulness-causing fog.)

Genie: Al! Al! Are you okay?!

Nefir: What happened, Worm?

(Their memories return.)

Genie: You're not Al!

Nefir: You're not the worm!

Genie: You're… that imp!

Iago: Now I remember, golden silk!

Nefir: Yes, the worm!

Genie: That's right, I've got to save Al!

Iago: Eh great, I forgot I was stuck here with you two.

Nefir: We're almost to the tower. (holds a bill up to Genie)

Genie: Give me another bill and I'll rip out your spine and floss with it.

(Nefir holds the bill behind his back and smiles guiltily. They then walk through the gates surrounding the tower and approach the tower's gates.)

Iago: So is the worm that makes the gold in there?

Nefir: Yes…

Iago: Then what are we waiting for?!

(Iago flies towards the gates, but the gates open and a giant, three-headed, winged lion comes out and starts to growl at them.)

Iago: Nothin's ever easy, is it?

Genie: Let's see if we can reason with it.

Iago: Nice kitty! Pretty kitty!

(The head on the right breathes fire toward Genie, the left whips at Nefir with a snakelike tongue. The middle head, nearest to Iago, speaks.)

Lion: None shall pass.

Iago: Whew! My head just talks.

(The left head wraps its tongue around Nefir. The right burns Genie, who turns into a giant hotdog.)

Genie: Mmm, hickory smoked goodness.

(Nefir is pulled toward one of the lion's mouths. Genie, in the form of a Boy Scout, frees Nefir from its tongue.)

Genie: Be prepared! (ties the tongue around a tree)

(The lion takes to the air, uproots the tree and swallows it. It then starts chasing Genie. Eventually the lion stops chasing, but Genie still runs around and around the island. It then swats at Genie, knocking him through the wall surrounding the tower. When it flies up to where Genie landed, he turns into a Puritan.)

Genie: Halt, foul lion! (builds a giant, three-headed stockade) Recant thy evil ways! (locks the lion into the stockade) 

(The three are now at the gates of the tower, about to enter.)

Nefir: We made it past all the obstacles. It should be perfectly safe.

Iago: I am not, under any circumstances, going in.

Genie: The gold's in there.

Iago: C'mon, c'mon! We made it past the obstacles, it's perfectly safe. Move! Move! (pushes the others in ahead of himself)

(Inside the tower is a beautiful Asian garden.)

Genie: It's beautiful!

Iago: (looking under rocks) Sure, sure, gorgeous. Where's the gold? What's a silkworm look like? I don't see anything! (looking behind a bush) Aphids. I don't think they're gold. Are golden aphids worth anything?

Genie and Nefir: (staring up at the ceiling) The Worm of Panacea!

Iago: What, what is it? Is it gonna rain? What?! (looks up) Awk!

(On the ceiling is a giant golden cocoon.)

Iago: (awed) That is almost as much gold as I can imagine.

(Genie flies up to the cocoon and takes a tiny piece of silk.)

Genie: Well, we got what we came for. Let's go.

Iago: That's it?! That tiny piece?! Shouldn't we bring back more just in case, like say… all we can carry?!

Genie: You know, Nefir, we haven't always gotten along so well. I just wanted to say, thanks for leading us here. I guess you're not so bad after all.

Nefir: Thanks. Oh, you'd better put that in here, (holds out a bottle) before it goes, uh, stale?

Genie: You're so thoughtful! Boy, was I wrong about you! (drops the silk into the bottle)

Nefir: Oh, I think you dropped it.

Genie: I don't think so.

Iago: (looking around on the ground) Finders keepers! Finders keepers!

Nefir: (looking into the bottle) I don't see anything, but it's kind of dark in there. Maybe you'd better go inside and take a look?

Genie: Haha, you know, if I hadn't just developed a grudging respect for you I'd think this was a trick!

(Genie flies into the bottle, and Nefir corks it.)

Nefir: You dimwit! You pathetic fool! You dolt! (laughs) Even I know better than to trust an imp! I poisoned Aladdin because I needed you to reach the gold! And I even made you beg me to do it! (laughs and throws the bottle to the ground) What a dolt.

(Nefir starts unwinding the golden silk from the cocoon.)

Iago: You fiend!

Nefir: (handing Iago a tiny piece of silk) Here's your share of the gold, bird.

Iago: You expect me to betray my best friend?! It's gonna cost you a lot more than that…

(Nefir wraps silk around Iago, tying him up.)

Iago: Not exactly what I had in mind!

(Nefir continues until he has removed all the silk from the cocoon.)

Nefir: Tada!

(We can now see what was at the center of the cocoon, a giant moth. It awakens and dives after Nefir, chasing him around the garden. He finally manages to hide under some foliage, where Iago is also hiding.)

Iago: I thought you said this thing was a worm!

Nefir: (gasps) The ancient prophesies have come true!

Iago: Uh oh. Ancient prophesies never predict anything good.

Nefir: After centuries within the cocoon, the worm has metamorphosed into… Mothias, destroyer of cities, bringer of plague and pestilence! According to imp lore, ages ago these moths roamed the Earth hunting imps! They considered us (gulp) a delicacy!

Iago: How about parrots?

Nefir: No no no no, they eat only imps.

Iago: Well then, looks like you've got some problems.

(Mothias spots Nefir and dives after him, just missing. Nefir runs and hides in a bush, and Iago follows him.)

Iago: You've got to let Genie out of the bottle. I'm not taking a chance this guy's decided to go off his diet!

Nefir: Uh, uh, I don't think that's such a good idea now.

(Mothias dives after Nefir again, shearing the top off of the bush.)

Iago: Just do it!

(Nefir flies to where he threw the bottle, just barely avoiding the moth.)

Nefir: Um, just kidding about tricking you and poisoning Aladdin, and, uh… (opens the bottle)

Genie: So I'm a dimwit, huh?! A pathetic fool?! A dolt?!

Nefir: A figure of speech. Please please please save me! I'll do anything! Look, I'm on my knees! I'm begging you for my life! I'm begging you like I made you beg me! (starts sobbing)

Genie: (untying Iago) I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't listening!

Nefir: I was on my knees begging and you didn't even notice?

Genie: You don't have to beg me. I'm not that kind of guy. I'll save you!

Iago: Uh, you can beg me. I enjoy watching others grovel.

(Mothias dives after them again. He misses Nefir, but accidentally swallows Iago. It then stops flying, acting like it ate something that disagrees with it.)

Iago: (from inside the moth) I am not an imp! I'm a parrot! I'm a parrot!

(Mothias spits Iago out.)

Iago: Stupid moth! You oughta have your eyes checked! (notices he is covered in saliva) Ew, moth drool…

(Genie goes over to the giant ball of silk Nefir made.)

Genie: Ha! In a supreme act of irony, I shall ensnare you in a web of your own silk!

(Genie tries to spin a web from the silk, but it ends up tangled, and he gets himself caught in it.)

Genie: I never was good at irony.

Nefir: You call that a web? I could build a better web than that.

Genie: Wait a minute. You're an imp! You could build it!

Nefir: I don't do manual labor. I supervise.

Genie: What was that you said earlier about moths hunting imps?

Iago: Yes, a delicacy as I remember. Yum yum.

Nefir: Why don't you distract him while I make the web?

Iago: I'll supervise.

Genie: (flying in front of the moth) Stop!

(Meanwhile, Nefir builds a perfect web with the golden silk.)

Genie: (to the moth) Um… do you know what time it is?

(We hear Mothias beat up Genie. A battered Genie walks up to Nefir a few seconds later.)

Genie: How much longer will this take? He's not very easily distracted.

Iago: (inspecting the web) Uh huh… uh huh… okay! (shakes hands with Nefir) We're in business!

Nefir: Nice web, if I do say so myself. But, how are you going to get him to fly into it?

Genie: Let's see… who do I know who I'd like to use as bait for a huge flesh-rending insect?

(Genie ties Nefir up with silk and places him in the center of the web.)

Nefir: What are you doing?! Let me go!

Genie: Good thinking! Make lots of noise to attract the moth!

(Mothias starts to fly toward them.)

Nefir: You can't do this! You're one of the good guys!

Genie: (as a carnival barker) Get yer imps, right here! Tasty, moth-fresh imps! All you can eat! Cholesterol free! Num num num!

(A giant flashing sign appears by the web saying "Yo!" and pointing at Nefir.)

Iago: Uh, I just remembered, I have a dental appointment. (runs away from the web)

(Mothias dives after Nefir, but Genie pulls him away just in time. Mothias is caught in the web. Genie then completely covers the moth with its silk. Nefir is still shocked from his close call, and is babbling incoherently.)

Genie: Hey, you didn't really think I was gonna let you get eaten, did you? Oh… (writes something on a notepad and hands it to Nefir) Here's my bill for saving your life. It's been nice working with ya!

(Setting: Agrabah, in Aladdin's hovel. Aladdin is holding a glass of a drink made with the golden silk.)

Aladdin: Genie, I wanna thank you.

Genie: Shucks, Al, don't mention it.

Jasmine: I wish I could get my hands on that Nefir!

Genie: Aw, I wouldn't be so hard on him. He stayed behind to make sure Mothias never gets free again.

Aladdin: He volunteered to do this?

Genie: Well, not exactly…

(Setting: back in the tower. Nefir is being chased by the three-headed lion.)

Nefir: I'll get you for this, Genie!

THE END