Legends of the Mall

(opening theme song)

(Morgendorffer house. Daria and Jane are in the living room, watching television)

SSW Announcer (VO) - It's legal, and tender, but someone's getting shortchanged! Little cross-dressers and the women who love them, coming up next on Sick, Sad World.

Daria - If that woman were Judy Garland, this might make sense on a couple of levels.

Jake (VO) - Come on! Darn! Move! You're a car! That's what you do, that's all you do! Now do it!

Daria - Ah, the eternal struggle between man and machine.

Jane - And this time, it's personal.

(Cordless phone rings and Daria answers)

Daria - Hello.

(Jake gets out of the Lexus and kicks the side of the car)

Jake - You're nothing but a...a damn radio with doors!

Daria - No, Dad and his inner child are playing in the driveway.

(Quinn, Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany are standing in front of the Lawndale Mall. Quinn is talking on a cell phone)

Quinn - But, he was supposed to pick us up at the mall.

Daria - He's discussing that with the car right now, but the car seems to be saying, "You're taking the bus."

Quinn - The what?

Daria - The bus. It's like a bigger car, only with old men sleeping sitting up, at least, I hope they're sleeping.

Quinn - Hello? Hello? (turns phone off) Great, the phone's dead.

Stacy - So, when is your father gonna pick us up?

Quinn - He's not. Um, someone said we have to take the bus.

Sandi - Quinn, no offense or anything, but humor is not your forté.

Quinn - Sandi, I would never joke about taking public transportation. Some things just aren't funny.

Tiffany - I can't believe no guy would give us a ride.

Stacy - Maybe we shouldn't make them wait in the car anymore while we shop. Remember last summer when Jeffy got all dehydrated and his tongue was hanging out and stuff?

Tiffany - Well, yeah.

Sandi - Clearly not enough sunscreen.

(Sandi, Tiffany and Stacy begin to walk away)

Quinn - Guys, I think the bus is this way.

(Morgendorffer kitchen. Daria and Jane are seated at the table while Jake paces)

Jake - But I told Helen I'd pick Quinn up. Now, she'll never trust me to do anything again. (imitates Helen) I'll pick up Quinn, Jake, you'll just forget. (building rant) Stay out of the kitchen Jake, you'll just break the stove! Don't polish your father's boots Jake, you haven't earned the damn right!

Jane - He's not gonna start looking for wiretaps under the floorboards, is he?

Daria - No, I think speaking in tongues is next.

Jake - And what if Quinn gets lost? It'll be my fault. It's always my fault.

Daria - As long as she gets lost with the fashion club, I don't see the problem.

Jane - Shallow graves for shallow people.

Jake - Well, I'll show Helen. I'll pick up Quinn and make the lasagna. When Jake Morgendorffer says he'll do something, he dues it, I mean does it. Dammit! Daria, if I don't come back, remember to take the plastic lid off the lasagna if you cook it in a conventional oven.

Daria - Oh, father, don't even think such things.

(Jake starts to exit)

Daria - Are you giving Quinn a ride home on piggy-back? Or taking the horse?

Jake - That's right, dammit! No car.

Jane - Wait, Trent's got a car, sort of.

Jake - Great! We'll take his car.

(Daria and Jane look at each other)

Jake - What's wrong? It's safe, isn't it?

Jane - Well, it's no Pinto.

Daria - Yeah, you have to hit those before they'll burst into flames.

(Public bus. The Fashion Club are the only riders)

Sandi (to driver) - Excuse me, but this isn't my street.

Driver - No problem, just click your heels and say, "There's no place like home." Only, do it outside, this is the end of the line.

(Bus drives off, leaving the Fashion Club standing on a decrepit sidewalk in a rundown neighborhood)

Quinn - This place is weird.

Tiffany - What was that noise?

Sandi - Stacy, you're not wearing those bangles again, are you?

Stacy - Of course not, Sandi. (strange noise is heard) Oh, no! It's the Rattling Girl of Lawndale!

Sandi - Stacy, everyone knows that story was just made up by unpopular people to try to scare popular people into becoming unpopular.

Quinn - What story?

Stacy - You know...

(Lawndale High School gymnasium. Students are putting up decorations for a Spring Dance. One banner reads "Class of 1968". The characters during the scene are in sixties attire)

Stacy (VO) - It was like, a hundred years ago. There was this girl that was really cool. I think they said she was a "groovy chick." Anyway, she was popular.

Sandi - Like, they way your hanging that bunting is a real drag.

Tiffany - Yeah, a drag.

(Joey is a the top of a latter, trying to hang the "Class of 1968" banner. Jamie and Jeffy are holding the ladder)

Joey - How about this?

Jamie - Solid

Jeffy - Boss.

Quinn - Far out. But it would be farer out if it were higher.

Joey - Really?

Sandi - Just a sixteenth of an inch.

Quinn - Hey, why didn't you take my word for it?

Jamie - Because, she's more with it.

Jeffy - Yeah, she's almost perfect.

(Sandi scowls. Cut to Sandi's room, with her standing in front of a full length mirror)

Sandi - I thought I was perfect. What's almost perfect about me?

(Montage of Sandi trying on many different outfits)

Stacy (VO) - That's when the whole thing started. She looked at like, every square inch of her body, trying to figure out what was wrong. And then...

Sandi - It's my eyelids. They're fat!

(LHS gymnasium. The Spring Dance has started)

Stacy (VO) - So she cut her diet in half, drinking only one one-calorie Tab a day. And, she lost like, an eight of an ounce, just in time for the big dance.

(Sandi appears, looking gaunt)

Jamie - That chick is a tangerine dream.

Quinn - Oh, no! She's perfect!

Kevin - Dig it!

(Brittany elbows Kevin)

Kevin - Ow! Bummer.

Stacy (VO) - And she was perfect. The most popular girl ever.

(Sandi walks out into the middle of the floor and Joey approaches)

Joey - Can I, um, dance near you?

Sandi - Oh, all right. But not too close. I don't want you to block anyone's view.

(On Sandi's signal, music starts and everyone dances)

Stacy (VO) - That was the first time they heard it.

(A rattling sound is heard over the music and everyone stops dancing)

Kevin - That noise is laying a head trip on me, man.

Brittany - I can't groove.

Jodie - Who let the Third World Solidarity Club pick the music?

Mack - It's not the music.

(Sandi is still dancing, and the rattling comes from her)

Brittany - Eep! It's her!

(Sandi stops, moves her arm to check and the rattle happens again. Everyone starts laughing)

Stacy (VO) - It was her. I was the rattling of her bones.

Sandi - Oh! I'll get even for this!

(Sandi runs out of the gym and everyone starts dancing again)

Stacy (VO) - And that was the last anyone ever saw of her.

(Quinn in bed)

Stacy (VO) - But it wasn't the last they'd heard of her!

(Sound of bones rattling and Quinn wakes up in fear)

Quinn - Ahhh!

(LHS corridor, Quinn and Tiffany in front of lockers, both have red, tired eyes)

Quinn - It was terrible. I closed my eyes for one second, and there she was, trying to bite off my eyelids.

Tiffany - We can never close our eyes again.

Quinn - I know! Not even to take off mascara.

Stacy (VO) - She stalked all the popular girls. Even some medium popular ones. They were afraid to sleep and their eyes got a bloodshot and icky looking.

(Kevin walks up to Brittany)

Brittany - Hi! What's happening?

Kevin - Whoa! Your face, it's freaking me out, man.

(Kevin runs away)

Stacy (VO) - Here's the scary part. One by one, they became, (pause) unpopular.

(Present day, with the Fashion Club still standing on the decrepit sidewalk)

Sandi - Well, I for one, don't believe that story. I mean, everyone knows you can't be too thin.

Tiffany - Oh, yeah. Were anyone's eyelids really eaten?

Sandi - Tiffany, dear. Eyelid consuming monsters simply do not exist. Only an extremely gullible loser would believe such a laughable tale.

Stacy - Yeah. (forced laugh)

(Quinn, and then the others, laugh. A rattle is heard, all four scream and run away. Cut to a poodle carrying a stick that's hitting against the uprights of a wrought iron fence)

(Morgendorffer driveway. Jake and Trent are in Trent's car while Daria and Jane are standing beside it)

Jake - You say this thing's safe?

Jane - It's an adventure on wheels.

Jake (uncertain) - Adventure on wheels? (laughs) Adventures can be good. Um, you're gonna steer with both hands when we're actually moving, right?

Trent - Unless I think of some lyrics on the road and have to write 'em down. You understand.

Jake - Oh, sure! (quietly to Daria) Help me?

Daria - Maybe these two shouldn't be left alone.

Jane - I was starting to feel the old wanderlust anyway.

(Daria and Jane get into the back seat)

Jake - But, how are we gonna fit four more people into the car?

Jane - It's been done before, and this time, there's no drum kit.

Jake (sniffs air) - What's that funny smell?

Trent - It wasn't so funny when it happened, but it's a really great story.

(Trent's car coughs and heaves as it drives away)

(Trent's car driving down road)

Trent - That's why you use a bottle instead of one of those little milk cartons, especially when you're driving.

(The car sputters and stops)

Trent - Uh, oh.

Jake - What?! What? What happened?

Trent - Janey?

Jane - Seven, eight, nine, ten.

(Trent pounds fist onto dashboard and the engine restarts)

Daria - Nice counting.

Jane - I can go all the way up to twenty.

Jake - Whew. Thought we were going to be stranded there for a minute. (laughs)

Trent - No way. We don't want to be caught out here by these woods. Especially at night.

Jake - Really? Why not?

Daria - Roving bands of embittered squirrels?

Trent - Nah, it's because of... (pause) ...Metalmouth. (he coughs)

Daria - What?

Jane - Metalmouth.

Daria - Oh.

(LHS metal shop. Mr. DeMartino is the teacher, while Mack, Kevin and the three J's are students. All are dressed in 1980s fashions)

Trent (VO) - Metalmouth started out as a metal shop teacher.

Mr. DeMartino - You're assignment: make a shoeshine box. A real shoeshine box! Out of iron, and flame, and sweat! Not like those sissy shoeshine boxes those hammer-tapping punks are making in wood shop. Metal! Substance of strength, and honor!

Jeffy - Is the class where you make surf boards?

(Mr. DeMartino growls and grinds his teeth)

Trent (VO) - But the teacher had this bad habit. He'd grind his teeth.

(Mr. DeMartino is at a drill press. Mack, Kevin and two unnamed students watch)

Mr. DeMartino - See this? This is a chuck. Done anyone know what happens if you turn on a drill press with a chuck left in it?

Kevin - Uh, it'll fly off and hit your head and make it squirt blood and stuff.

Mr. DeMartino - Very good.

(Other students say variations of "cool" and Mr. DeMartino grinds his teeth.)

Trent (VO) - Even when he slept.

(Mr. DeMartino is shown in bed, still grinding his teeth and talking in his sleep)

Mr. DeMartino - Kids! Varnish in their hair! Makes 'em stupid!

(Mr. DeMartino at bathroom sink, preparing to brush teeth. He looks in the mirror and sees he only has stubs left)

Mr. DeMartino - Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Trent (VO) - Until he ground his teeth down to nothing.

(Dentist office. Mr. O'Neill is a dentist and Mr. DeMartino is seated in the patient chair)

Mr. O'Neill - That's the last of them. Now normally, this is where we'd fit you for dentures. But you're a teacher, right? (Mr. DeMartino nods) Okay, then. Here's some baby food coupons. The strained carrots are gonna take some getting used to.

Trent (VO) - He was kind of hoping that no-one would notice he didn't have any teeth. But they did, especially one kid.

(Metal shop)

Mr. DeMartino (lisping) - Ath I wath thaying.

Kevin - Yeah, what were you thaying? (laughs)

Mack - What do you think you're doing? You're gonna piss him off.

Kevin - Hey, he knows I'm just kidding around.

Mr. DeMartino - Ath I wath thaying, you may find thith to be of great uthe inside your prithon thell. Thomething I thee in motht of your futures. Now, can anyone tell me the difference between a file and a rathp.

Kevin - A what?

Mr. DeMartino - A rathp.

Kevin - Excuse me?

Mr. DeMartino - A rathp!

(The entire class laughs. Cut to the shop dimly lit by a forge and Mr. DeMartino hammering at the anvil)

Trent (VO) - Some say that's what drove him to madness, others say, you know, no. Anyway, one night, he got this idea.

(Mr. DeMartino maniacally laughs. Cut to metal shop, with Mr. DeMartino writing on the chalkboard)

Kevin - Yo, DMC, watch this. Golly, teach. I seem to have forgotten what you taught us yesterday. (laughs and holds up a rasp) What did you say this was?

Mr. DeMartino - It's a rassssp! (he grins, showing metal teeth)

(Students ooh and ah over them)

Trent (VO) - He'd made himself a set of hand-forged steel dentures.

Mr. DeMartino - Would anyone care to see my new teeth in action?

(He bites a chunk out of the room door, spits the piece out and grins)

Trent (VO) - But those dentures had one fatal flaw.

Mr. DeMartino - Of course, some of you may take comfort in the fact that the rocks inside your heads are harder than wood. But, I assure you that...(teeth pick up radio signals) ...girls just wanna have fun!

Trent (VO) - They picked up radio stations.

Mr. DeMartino - So, if I may return to our discussion on drill safety, this is the chuck and...(radio reception starts again) ...not the fortunate one, cause girls just wanna, they just... (reception stops) Wait a minute. Chucks... (reception starts) ..just wanna have fun! (reception stops) That's why you don't... (reception starts) just wanna, they just wanna, girls...

(The entire class laughs and Mr. DeMartino runs out)

Jeffy - What a doof.

Kevin - Hey, I know what's fun. Let's drill a hole in my shoe.

(Red Trans-Am parked alongside road. Kevin and Brittany are inside making out)

Trent (VO) - Yeah, he was finished at Lawndale High, but he wasn't finished teaching some kids a lesson or two.

Brittany - Did you hear something?

Kevin - Um, my lunch?

Brittany - No, stomach stuff is gurgly. This was...different.

Kevin - Raccoons, baby. Raccoons.

(They start making out again and the tune to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" is heard)

Brittany - Oh, I like that song!

Kevin - Aww, babe. It's a chick song.

Brittany (annoyed) - In case you haven't noticed, I'm a chick.

Kevin - Oh, all right. I'll turn it up. Hey, the radio's not on.

(Sound of metal scraping on metal)

Brittany - Did you hear that?

Kevin - Not me. I didn't hear anything scratching at the door. I'm not scared.

Brittany - Babe, I...

(Loud metallic sound)

Kevin - Ahh!!!

(Car burns rubber driving away)

(Car drives up to Taylor house and stops)

Brittany - I'm sorry I got so scared.

Kevin - Hey, you can't help it that you've got a female, scaredy-cat brain.

Brittany - I mean, now that I think of it, it was all pretty funny. Ha, ha, you know.

Trent (VO) - But, she was right to be scared.

(Brittany gets out of the car and closes the door. She makes strangled scream noises as she sees flat tires on the car. While Trent narrates, the view pans to the door handle, showing the metal dentures hanging from it)

Trent (VO) - Because all four tires were flat. Bitten...to...flatness. And there, on the door handle, a set of steel, hand-forged, teeth.

(Trent's car)

Jake - Eww.

Daria - And the moral of this story is, don't open car doors with your molars.

Jane - I don't get it. Why was the same song always on the radio? And, why didn't he get sports and weather?

Trent - Hey, the truth isn't always rolled up in a neat little package you can carry in your wallet.

Daria - Nor, should it ever be washed and re-used.

Jake - Daria, you don't think Quinn's lost in those woods, do you?

Daria - I doubt it, there's nothing to buy there.

Jake - You're right, maybe we should all try to think like Quinn.

Daria - Okay, who wants their frontal lobes removed first?

(A cottage with lawn elves decorating the yard. The Fashion Club are looking at it uneasily)

Stacy - But Sandi, I'm afraid to knock on that door. What if some fat, old man in an undershirt answers.

Tiffany - Brrr.

Sandi - Fine, let's go to the next house. I don't like the statue thingy anyway.

(The girls walk down the street past several houses, with each one's 'fault' being pointed out.)

Quinn - What about here?

Tiffany - Striped curtains.

Sandi - Cutsie mailbox, please.

Quinn - By the time we find a house, we'll be home. Hey, how about this one?

Tiffany - Carport.

(Quinn sighs and runs to catch up with the others)

(Trent's car, steam coming out of the hood, rolls to a stop and everyone gets out of the car)

Trent - Just a little steam. We'll let it cool off for an hour.

Jake - An hour! Jane-o, can't you do that counting thing?

Jane - It doesn't work if the car's on fire.

Trent - On fire? Better make it two hours.

Jake - Dammit! Let me take a look at it.

Daria - Um, Dad.

(Jake walks to the hood, and jerks his hands away in pain when he tries to open it)

Jake - Hot! Hot! Blisters, dammit!

Daria - You try to raise them to think.

Jane - Hey, what do you know, the car died right in front of that house.

Daria - Not asking.

Jane - The haunted house.

Daria - Not encouraging in any way.

Jane - The House of Bad Grades.

Daria - Why do I not bother?

(Lawndale street in the fifties)

Jane (VO) - This happened back when America was all upbeat, clean-cut and expecting to be blown up any minute.

(Jake helps Daria and Jane out of the surface hatch of a bomb shelter)

Jane (VO) - This family had just built your average bomb shelter in their back yard.

Jake - How do you like the shelter, kids?

Quinn - It's swell!

Helen - Oh, you. You've been showing off that bomb shelter all day.

Jake - You gotta admit, it's the best on the block.

Helen - I'll give you that, you big lug (she kisses Jake) Now, you all come in for dinner.

Daria - Let me guess, casserole.

Quinn - Mom, can't we eat in the bomb shelter? I feel so safe there.

Jake - Kitten's right! We can all have canned peaches and evaporated milk! You know, break the place in.

Helen - But Honey, if you eat the food now, there won't be anything left for post-nuclear survival.

Jake - Ah, I guess Mom's right. Okay, everybody in for dinner.

(Daria and Quinn exit)

Jake - You know honey, sometimes, you really think like a man.

Helen - Thanks.

(Fifties Morgendorffer dining room)

Jake - Honey, do I have time for a few cigarettes before seconds on your pork, cheese and mashed potato surprise?

Jane (VO) - Yep, it was a different time.

Helen - Why don't you have a smoke later; when you tack up the asbestos in the shelter?

Daria - You know, if the cold war ends, that bomb shelter's gonna make for a pretty depressing rec room.

Jake - The cold war? End? But then, I'd look like a G-D idiot!

Helen (recoils in shock) - Ah!

Daria - Let's all cross our fingers and hope they do drop the big one. Only problem is, there won't be anyone left to tell you how smart you were.

Quinn - I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

(Quinn runs away)

Helen - Why do you have to scare her like that? You know how your sister worries about the lack of survivors affecting her popularity.

(Daria studying at a desk)

Jane (VO) - After a while, everyone forgot about getting blown up, everyone except that girl.

Daria - If I'm not getting vaporized, then I'll have to switch to plan "B" for getting out of Lawndale. College.

Jane (VO) - So one night, she sat down to write an early admissions essay. It had to be in the mail the next morning. And then...

Jamie, Jeffy and Joey (VO, singing off-key) - Oh, beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain.

Daria - I can't write with all this noise.

(Living room. Jake and the 3 J's are in Boy Scout uniforms. The boys continue singing and clumsily work with drill rifles)

Jake - Come on guys! Watch the toes now. (to Daria) Hey, how do you like what the boys are working up for the jamboree? No-one will ever accuse these kids of being Reds.

Daria - Don't you think you can protect democracy better outdoors?

Jake - What? Can't hear you.

(Kitchen. Helen, Ms. Barch and Ms. Li are at the table. All three are smoking, Ms. Barch and Ms. Li have martinis, and Helen is picking nuts out of a bowl of jello when Daria enters)

Ms. Li - One more page of green stamps, and I can get that radium-dial clock!

Daria - Mom, there's too much noise. I've gotta write my college essay.

Helen - You can do it here, while you help me get these walnuts out of the jello. I keep forgetting the boys don't like walnuts.

Ms. Barch - College? Ah, you'll get over that, once you meet the right man.

Ms. Li - Or even the wrong one.

(The three women laugh as Daria covers her ears)

Jane (VO) - And then, she remembered the little house that paranoia built.

(Inside bomb shelter, Daria is writing her essay)

Daria (VO) - Why I want to attend college. First and foremost, college is not here.

(Fifties Morgendorffer yard. Workmen pour concrete from a truck to form the base of a new barbeque. Jake and Helen, wearing bath robes, watch from inside the house)

Jake - I got the idea from that Pete Seeger fella on Steve Allen. We're all brothers! If we learn to live together, we won't need bomb shelters. That's why I'm putting in a deluxe barbeque pit. Weenies for all men, and for you girls, too.

Helen - The kids will be so surprised.

(Inside the shelter, Daria wakes up from sleeping at the desk)

Jane (VO) - That was putting it lightly. You see, the girl fell asleep and nobody knew she was there. Otherwise, I doubt if they would've entombed her.

(Daria unsuccessfully tries to open the hatch and sits down in frustration)

Daria - Well, at least I can have canned peaches for breakfast. (looks in utensils box) Great, no can opener.

Jane (VO) - Then it dawned on her, not only could she starve to death, she might never, ever get out of Lawndale.

Daria - Dad, you G-D idiot.

(Fifties Morgendorffer yard. Jake and Andrew Landon are at the grill, martinis in hand)

Andrew - You know neighbor, you're right. Weenie roasts can promote understanding.

Jake - Your kids can come to our school any time. They won't even need the National Guard.

(Andrew takes an hors d' oeuvre from Quinn, and then he laughs with Jake)

Andrew - You're daughter's a pip, but where's your other daughter?

Jake - The one that's not a pip? We think she ran off to be a beatnik. Never should've bought her those bongos. Hey! Who wants a weenie!

Daria (distant VO) - Forget the weenie, get me a damn can opener.

Jake - Did you say something?

Andrew - Nope. You?

Jake - Nope. Maybe we better lay off the martoonies.

(House of Bad Grades ages over time)

Jane (VO) - Time passed, the family moved away and other families moved in. The wheel of life turned, but it had a major stick in the spokes.

(Seventies style kitchen. Upchuck is being chewed out by his mother)

Mother - Another "F!" How can I feel good about myself when you're failing every course? And don't you dare give me that tired old excuse.

Upchuck - But Mom! The answers were right last night, I swear!

Daria (VO, starts with evil laugh) - Another "F?" Way to go, Einstein.

Upchuck - Ahh!"

(Upchuck runs away. Fade to a modern kitchen with homework on the table. A pencil is picked up by an invisible hand and the answers on the page erased and changed)

Jane (VO) - You see, the vengeful spirit of that girl remains there still, exacting her terrible retribution on the living and those not yet born.

Daria (VO) - If I can't leave this God-forsaken town and go to college, no-one will! (evil laugh)

(Daria, Jane, Jake and Trent around Trent's car)

Daria - Oh, come on.

Jane - Scoff if you will, but every kid who's lived in the House of Bad Grades since is working minimum wage in Lawndale to this day. What do you say to that?

Daria - Scoff.

(Jake spins and waves his arms)

Jake - Quinn! Quinn! Over here! Quinn! Quinn! Honey, I was so worried!

Daria - This spirit, does she also possess fathers and turn them into public embarrassments?

Jane - Wait, that is Quinn.

Daria - There goes my new sewing room.

(Quinn and Fashion Club enter)

Quinn - Dad, it's you...and some people. Um, anyway, gotta go.

Jake - But, how will you get home?

Quinn - Duh, Dad. We're only two blocks away. Bye.

Sandi - Gee, Quinn. What was your father and that girl who lives with you doing with that car?

Quinn - What girl? I didn't see any girl.

(Fashion Club exits)

Jake - Two blocks?

Jane - Why didn't you realize that?

Daria - I don't know. Is that the House of Deteriorating Senses of Direction?

Trent - Guess we might as well start walking.

Daria - What about your car?

Trent - It'll be here in the morning. No-one ever steals it, don't know why.

(Morgendorffer kitchen. Jake removes tray of lasagna from the microwave)

Jake - Done! Just in time!

(Jake sets the tray on the table as Helen enters)

Jake - Hi, Honey. See, we're all home and eating the lasagna I prepared. Yep, give old Jake a task and it gets done, by golly!

Helen - Hmm, I better get my car to the shop first thing in the morning.

Quinn - Your car's broken too? I can't live like this, Mother.

Jake - Not that a little auto trouble stopped me from making sure our daughter got home safely. Not Big Jake Morgendorffer.

Helen - That's nice, dear. You know, it was the strangest thing. I was at a stoplight on that road near the woods, and I heard this song, but the radio wasn't on. And then the door started making the funniest sound. A metallic sound, maybe the door's broken or something. Well, the noise stopped after I drove away, but I think I should still get it looked at.

(Helen's SUV in the driveway. There is a set of steel dentures clamped to the passenger door handle)

(closing credits)