Marge's Son Poisoning

I'm so glad we came to Paradise Pier. Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to ride that Ferris wheel. (ALL SCREAMING) They're tearing down the pier! But what will junkies do drugs under? They'll bounce back, son. They're a strong people. (HAMMERING) (CREAKING) (CHUCKLING) Ooh, ooh! I want to ride the bumper cars. Whoa, sir, we're dismantling this ride. It's not safe. I call the red one. (LAUGHING EXCITEDLY) Homie, no! It's not street legal! Don't worry, ma'am. He's not connected to the power supply, so he can't go far. (CHUCKLES) Gulp. (CHUCKLES) Whee! (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) Whoa, whoa! (GIGGLES) Hey. Hey. Hey. Oh, he's got us in a corner. I hate this ride. (CLATTERS) Mom, can we buy a magnesium vapor soak tub? For the last time, no! (GROANS) But how will I increase my vitality? (GRUMBLING) Uh, he’s just faking loss of vitality, Reverend. Mmm-hmm. I believe you. A strong man? Are you for sale? Because I need someone to throw a birdbath at my neighbor. Robusto is not for sale. But would you like to buy my last dumbbell? Hmm, I suppose I could use a little toning. (JIGGLING) I'll give you $5 for it. Sold! (GASPS) A bicycle built for two! And I could be one of those two. Homie, if I buy a bicycle built for two, will you ride with me? Marge, I don't hate your mother. I just won't be sad when she dies. Forty-seven, forty-eight... I was asking for something. Yeah, sure. Whatever you want. Ninety-five, 96, 13, 64, banana... I'll take it. I can't believe I own a tandem bike. Mmm-mmm! You want me to ride a what-cycle built for who? Our tandem bicycle. When I bought it, you said you'd ride with me. But I'm watching television. A lot of people worked hard on this show. (SIGHS) I was really looking forward lo it. Bart, how would you like to go on a tandem bike ride with your mom? Mom, please! I'm playing a video game. Mmm, small hill. Pedal, pedal, pedal. Now enjoy scenery. Enjoy! Enjoy! Enjoy! (SIGHS) Maggie, would you like to ride with me? (SIGHS) on... (SLURPING) Bart, why is your mom riding a two-person bike by herself? Ha-ha! She's lonely. Moms don't get lonely. Hmm... Three hundred and six... (YAWNS) Three hundred and seven... (BICYCLE BELL RINGING) (MUTTERING) (BICYCLE BELL RINGING) Hey, Mom! Want to go for a ride? I'd love to. I'll be right... Wait. Are you sure you're not just trying to get me to make pizza for breakfast? Homer: Woo-hoo! Pizza for breakfast! Mom, I mean it. I want to ride with you. Aww. I'll be right down. Hello, Dominos? What do you mean you're not open? No, you call me back during business hours. I'll show you who's a recorded message! Puddle! (BOTH LAUGH) I'm glad I could share in their fun. (SINGING) Well, I heard Neil Young sing about her. I heard ol' Neil put her down In the name of the... (All) Hey! Well, I hope Neil Young will remember (CHOKES) This southern man don't need him 'round anyhow Mom, who's Neil Young? He was a singer in the '60s, like the Archies, and the Banana Splits. (BIRDS SQUAWKING) (OWL HOOTING) I'm a little worried. This part of the county is unincorporated. Just to be safe, I'm gonna dial 9-1 on my cell phone. (BEEPS) A tea house? Want to go inside? I don't know. Think they have video games? Mmm, no. Batting case? No. Rock climbing wall? No. Robot musical review? No. Zumanity by Cirque du Soleil? No. Bathroom? Yes! Well, that's really what I need the most. Let's go. Mmm. Mmm-mmm-mmm. Wow, Mom! I love tea. You haven't had any tea. Yeah. Well, I still love this place. Good afternoon, madam. Oh, and who's your handsome gentleman friend? (CHUCKLES) Oh, you. (HUMMING) (ALL STRUGGLING) Don't do that That hurts. Careful, careful. Hey, what's the big idea getting trapped under that thing? Uh, long story. Uh, we were trying to impress some girls and things kind of got away from us. (CHUCKLES) Just for the record, I regret nothing. (GRUNTS) Homer, how'd your right arm get so strong? Just lifting this dumbbell. 49,999, 50,000! (CHUCKLES) I'm pretty happy with this baby. Now it's lefty's turn. Oh, no, you don't. I just got an idea. Listen. Huh? (WHISPERS) (CHUCKLES) (ANGRILY) Hey, you... Huh? What? Hey... Uh! (ANGRILY) Why... Ah. Yeah. Mom, all we have is carrot sticks and fresh fruit. Well, we could bike lo the teashop and have some cake. All right! Pedal to the kettle! Hey, Bart. They're testing me for lazy eye. You want to come with? Hmm? Oh, sorry, Milhouse. I've got plans. Okay. I'll bring you back an eye care pamphlet. Okay, here comes our victim. Let's bash his head in. Hey, Moe, I thought you were just gonna hustle him? Oh, right. I was thinking of another thing I got going. Give me a bottle of bourbon. I got a new liver and I'm breaking it in. Excuse me, Mr. Bartender, sir. May I have a sugar-free ginger ale? And, uh, make it flat, the bubbles burn my buds. Galdurnit, son. What the hell kind of sissy are you? Hey, are you calling my life partner a sissy? Because 100 bucks says he could whoop you in arm wrestling. A Texas penny it is. Yee-haw! Galdangit! I've been played like a dimwit's kazoo! (GRUNTS) (GROANS) Yes! Homer, we make a dynamite team. Huh? With your arm and my head gunk, we're going right to the top. (GUNS COOKING) Whoa! This is one Texan who don't like when he's made out to be a fool. Well, uh, what do you like? I don't know. A good book, long walk on the beach. So, we, uh... We kind of even things up here? Not yet. I want to play some Frisbee. You know, honey, I've really started to look forward to our little bike rides. Me, too, Mother. Oh, such respect? You could grow up to be a doorman. WOMAN; Loyal customers, we have been forced to close forever. It seems that our cakes were filled with rat droppings. It's not that we're bad people, we just weren't paying close attention. Ta-ta. What did it say? Uh... She died. Hmm? Well, Bart, I guess that's it. We'll have to go back to our separate things. Hey, we could have tea in my tree house. You invited me to your tree house? Wow! That's like Bruce Wayne letting his mom into the Bat Club. (SLURPS) Hmm. So, is that standing water? Yeah. (BUZZING) You know, that puddle started life as a bowl of cereal. (GROANS) Hmm. I think I might be able to turn this tree house into a tea house. Mom, this is great! Makes our real house look like a pile of crap. And I threw out all your old comics. Mom! (CHUCKLES) Just kidding. Today's mom knows to seal them in Mylar so you can never read them again. Never, ever again. Where are you two going? I'm joining a professional arm wrestling circuit. Uh-huh, and how will this affect your job at the power plant? Negatively, I assume. Oh, well, we're off to buy a new tea set. Have fun. (CAR DOORS SHUT) Jeez, she didn't seem angry or anything. Maybe she doesn't care anymore. Forget about her, Homer. She's dead to you now. Okay. Now, if we get bored on the bus, I got a book of brainteasers here. Let's see. Oh! "Brothers and sisters have I none, "but this man's father is my dad's son." Huh. Ah, screw you, you stupid thing! "He is my son." That blows. I can't wait to use our new Krusty the Clown tea service. Me neither. Oh, my God! I took the salesman's pen. I'll be right back. (Krusty) Green tea? What's that, Mr. T's lrish brother? (LAUGHS) Earl Grey? I'd rather have Linda Gray. Is she still alive? What's next? What the hell, I'm not doing that one. (CHUCKLES) Huh? (Jimbo) Hey, Simpson. What are you going to do with that teapot? Gay out? I'll answer for you. Yes. What? Um... Uh... I just shoplifted this bad boy. Housewares never knew what hit 'em. Why didn't you steal something cool? Uh, because I'm going to bring it back to the store for store credit. How are you going to get credit without a gift receipt, ass? Um, well... We've seen you spending time with your mother, Simpson. Word on the street is you're a mama's boy. Hey! There is no way that I am a mama's boy. Oh, Bart! Aren't they jazzy? They match the new curtains we hung in your tree house. Here, try yours on. I got you a child's large because your tummy's getting kind of bloopy from all the cakes we've been having. Somebody here likes princess cakes. Princess cake? Bart, you just got yourself a nickname for life. Hey, Princess Cake, want some princess cake? (ALL LAUGHING) Bart, are you having a fight with your boyfriends? Shut up! I don't want your stupid sweatshirt! (GASPS) Or your tea set! (GRUNTS) (Krusty) Smashing voids my warranty. Have a good life. Mom, I only spent time with you because I felt sorry for you. That was weird. Will you teach us how to smoke? No! (BART GRUNTING) I can't believe she tricked me into being a mama's boy. I got to make this place mine again. (GRUNTS) (CHIPS CRUNCHING) (GROANS) It's gonna take me weeks to get the booger wall back up. Bart? You're not allowed in here! Can't you read the sign? You mean this? Bart: Ay, caramba! (GRUNTS) I'm worried about Mom. She's been sitting there just petting the dog for two hours. (YELPS) (WHIMPERS) Hey, Mom. Hello, Bart. Just so you know, I sold our bike. Faster! Faster! (BOTH GRUNTING) (BOTH SCREAM) Uh-oh. (ALL SCREAMING) But we had so much fun on that bike. (SCREAMS) Mom, I really did like spending time with you. (SIGHS) Hmm. You know, there's a karaoke night at school tomorrow. Some of the little kids are bringing their parents. Do you want to go? Really? Can we do a duet? Sure, why not? (CHUCKLES) It'll be fun. It's still happening! (MEN GRUNTING) Oh, I can't believe Marge hasn't called me. Maybe I should go home. Oh, Marge called you. She said, uh, that she loves you and she hopes you break the guy's arm so hard that it pokes through his skin. (CHUCKLES) Did she say anything else? Yeah. She said to shut up and stop asking questions and listen to Moe. Oh, Marge. I love her so much. Now, Homer, you got to keep your head in the game, all right? Your first opponent is Leftie "The Righty" Leftwright. (GRUNTS) Whoa. He looks tough. Yeah. He only lost once, in his fight against illiteracy. I can relate. I fought that foe and lost many times. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, Marge isn't home. Homer, focus. Moe, I'm starting to have grave doubts about this thing I barely liked in the first place. Come on, Homer. We can make it all the way to the quarter-finals for the eastern division, class B over 35 amateur grouping! Sorry, Moe. The place for my arm is around my wife. (BONE CRACKS) (GROANS) Homer, come back. You've got my teeth whitening system in your suitcase. Let's see. What would be a good duet? Hmm. Just the Two of Us, You and Me Against the World, Ebony and lvory... Ebony and lvory? (CHUCKLES) I'm afraid that song's taken by me and my mother. You know, people say when we're on stage, it's more like "scary-oke." Uh, scary talented, I assume. I'm singing a song with Bart tonight. Capital! My mother and I have been performing together since I was in fourth grade, and it's really brought us closer. Seymour! Where were you? A brightly-colored car hurt my eyes. Don't worry, Mother. I have your eye balm in my man-purse right here. Good boy. You can push your crib into Mommy's room tonight. It's not a crib. It's a cot. If it has rails, it's a crib! (GROANS) (SINGING) Where is my John Wayne? Where is my prairie sun? Where is my happy ending? Where have all the cowboys gone? (VOCALIZING) (EXHALES) Whew! You know, Mother, I wasn't sure about tonight. But seeing us dressed the same really feels right. (BELLS JINGLING) Well, now I'm not so sure about the bells on the painters pants. Are you kidding? I love my tinklies! (BELLS JINGLE) (GROANS) Next up on the Springfield Elementary Karaoke Showcase is. Skinner and Mrs. Skinner! (SCATTERED CLAPPING) (SINGING) Ebony and lvory. Live together in perfect harmony (BOTH SINGING) Side by side on my piano keyboard (GASPS) Oh, Lord, why don't we?[/i] No! Stop the showcase! Mrs. Simpson, please! Uh, hush up, Seymour. She's just saying what we're all thinking. Mother, what are you doing? Don't call me "Mother." My name is Mom. And my son is no mama's boy! (AUDIENCE GASPS) Bart, you're a wild heck-raiser and I don't want to see you turn into that! What? A wall? Mom, I thought this was what you wanted. Your job isn't to worry about me. It's to give me things to worry about. Hmm... Hey, losers. I'm gonna do to you what you did to these songs. Interpret them artistically? (GRUNTS) Die, die, die! (ALL COUGHING) We were gonna sing My Sharona. (GIGGLES) (SINGING) Sweet Home Alabama. Where the skies are so blue. Sweet home Alabama (GASPS) Lord, I'm coming home to you Alabama! Marge, spending time with you is more important to me than all the pie-eating contests in the world. I thought it was arm wrestling. I was in a pie-eating contest on the way home. Now let's go to bed. (ALL SINGING) Oh, my little pretty one, my pretty one. When you gonna give me some time, Sharona? Ooh, you make my motor run, my motor run. Gun it coming off the line, Sharona. Never gonna stop, give it up. Such a dirty mind, always get it up. For the touch of the younger kind. My, my, my, my, my, whoo (All) Whoa! Homer: That song is a pop music footnote. I didn't say stop. (ALL SINGING) My, my, my, my Sharona.