Cat Fight Club

FORMAN BASEMENT Hyde, Fez, Jackie and Eric are playing Monopoly JACKIE: Oeh! Now I've got Park Place and Boardwalk. This game is just like life! I am the richest of all. ERIC: Jackie I've got ninehundred and seventy dollars here, it's all yours if you just GO AWAY! HYDE: Relax Forman. It's better then having Laurie down here. She's like a big cancerous tumor. And Jackie, she's like a tiny benign cyst. JACKIE: Thank you Hyde! (She hands him some Monopoly money) Here, buy yourself a hotel. FEZ: Why are you giving him money, I'm the one in jail, does Hyde punch me in the arm. Why can't we start over? HYDE: Because (he punches Fez in the arm) FEZ: Aiiiii. HYDE: And don't try tipping over the board again either! Kelso and Laurie walk in LAURIE: Next time we go hiking make sure you bring a blanket. I think I have a twig in my shorts. HYDE: What a coincidence, so does Kelso! JACKIE: BURN! KELSO: Okay, okay, nice burn. Hi Jackie. JACKIE: Oh look it is Michael and his community chest. HYDE: Nice! LAURIE: So Michael, when you come over for dinner tonight, don't wear that stupid unicorn tie. JACKIE: OH! LAURIE: Oh I'm sorry Jackie, was that a gift? JACKIE: Oh yeah?! Well, were those shoes a gift? Because they're ugly! LAURIE: What are you even doing here anyways? Shouldn't you be off playing with ribbons and ponies? JACKIE: Well shouldn't you be off...being a bitch? LAURIE: Oeh I made the little girl say a bad word! (she kisses Kelso) See you tonight... (she leaves) They all look at Kelso, he shrugs his shoulders. Fez tips over the Monopoly board FEZ: Woops... OPENING CREDITS FORMAN BASEMENT Hyde and Jackie are talking JACKIE: Laurie makes me SO mad! I just wanna rip out her hair, show it to her and hope it doesn't grow back. I hate her. HYDE: Jackie, that's what she wants. She feeds on your anger man, it only makes her stronger. JACKIE: Well then what am I supposed to do? HYDE: If you really want to get under her skin, you have to be Zen. JACKIE: Zen? Okay, you can't just make up words Hyde.

HYDE: No, man, Zen. At peace, aloof... Zen... JACKIE: Oh. Okay then, Hyde, will you teach me how to be Zen? HYDE: You can't just teach someone to be Zen Jackie, you can only learn to be Zen. JACKIE: Okay, I don't understand. HYDE: Exactly. And that's your first lesson. JACKIE: Huh?! HYDE: Jackie, if you wanna be my student you need to follow my instructions. Without question. JACKIE: Okay okay, see, I can do that. HYDE: Okay. First thing, finish polishing my boots. JACKIE: Okay Hyde, how is THAT gonna help... HYDE: WHAT? JACKIE: Okay! (she starts polishing) HYDE: You make a fine student! Shine Grasshopper! Shine! FORMAN DRIVEWAY Kelso, Donna and Eric are shooting hoops ERIC: Kelso, man you're not seriously coming to dinner tonight are you?! KELSO: Why shouldn't I? You know, Jackie broke up with me and I needed a girlfriend and Laurie's it. And plus I need to eat, so...I'm coming to dinner! DONNA: Yeah Kelso, you're lame. And you're sad. But if you go to dinner with Red, you're gonna get your just deserts. KELSO: I don't really care what they serve...I just wanna be there for Laurie you know. Hope it's pie! DONNA: Oh Kelso. It's gonna be SO bad! Can I come to dinner tonight? ERIC: No. KELSO: Look, Red loves Laurie right, and Laurie likes me. Therefore, Red has to like me. I mean, what father wouldn't like the guy who is nailing his daughter? FORMAN KITCHEN Kitty is preparing dinner, Laurie is stealing food KITTY: Oh Laurie you can't bring Michael to dinner! Are you out of your mind? LAURIE: Mom! I'm an adult, and this is my choice. KITTY: No, if you were really an adult, you'd try to meet someone with a future, instead of Michael, who, bless his heart, is probably gonna end up ripping tickets at the Tilt-A-World. LAURIE: Well he could invent something! (Kitty looks at her) Yeah, I guess I'm lazy. KITTY: Uhuh. And Laurie, have you given any thought to what you're gonna say to your father when he finds out? LAURIE (shouting): HE'S MY BOYFRIEND DADDY AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND YOU CAN'T STOP US FROM BEING TOGETHER! What do you think? KITTY: ....Laurie I absolutely forbid you to bring that boy to dinner! LAURIE: OH! Sometimes I hate you! (she leaves) KITTY: Well, that is just too bad because I love you! (she laughs) Because I have to... FORMAN BASEMENT Jackie and Hyde are practising being Zen JACKIE: Whatéver... HYDE: No, more aloofness! JACKIE: Whatever... HYDE: I'm not believing you. JACKIE: Hyde, when are we going to move on? I have been saying 'whatever' for half an hour! HYDE: You can say very much by saying very little, small Grasshopper. Pretend you're Laurie and insult me. JACKIE: Okay…Hey Hyde! You’re stupid! HYDE: Whatever… JACKIE: Wow that was great! HYDE: Yeah! Now, another part of this is ambiguity. Say it with me.. BOTH: Ambiguity! HYDE: Very good. See, you don’t want people to know exactly what you mean. Here, ask me if I want to go to a movie tonight. JACKIE: Hey Hyde, would you like to go to a movie tonight? HYDE: That’s cool. See, you don’t know if I mean ‘That’s cool - I’ll go” or “That’s cool – no thanks”. JACKIE: And that’s cool? HYDE: Whatever… JACKIE: Oh my God! I am so sorry I got impatient! HYDE: That’s cool. Donna comes in DONNA: Hey guys. So Jackie, Eric won’t invite me to dinner tonight. So do you wanna like go to the mall or something? JACKIE: That’s cool. DONNA: Wait, what do you mean? JACKIE (gasps): Oh my God it worked! I mean…whatever… FORMAN DINING ROOM Red, Hyde, Eric, Kitty and Laurie are having dinner, Kelso comes storming in KELSO: Hi guys, sorry I’m late RED & KITTY: What? KELSO: You guys started eating without me?! That is SO rude! I'm just kidding! Hahaha! KITTY: Ahahahahahaa! Well Eric, you must have forgotten to mention that you invited Michael to dinner tonight? ERIC: Oh right. Uhhh yeah I guess I did! (Kelso tries to give a box to Laurie nut Eric grabs it) Oh and there are my chocolates, the chocolates that I asked you to bring...over to me. Oeh Fanny Farmer! KELSO: No no, those are for Laurie! RED: Kelso, what the hell are you doing here?! ERIC: DAD! Err..nougat? (he hands him the box of chocolates) KELSO (walking over to Red): Don't worry Red, I got something for you too! (he gives him a sixpack of beer) Huhh! RED: FIVE beers? KELSO: Uh yeah, they were all out of sixpacks...Weird huh. HYDE: Let me help you out with that there Red (he takes a can) RED: Are you taking a beer?! HYDE: HEY FOCUS MAN! He's dating your daughter! (Red takes his can away) RED: Laurie, what's going on? LAURIE: HE'S MY BOYFRIEND DADDY! And he loves me...and...he's good to me and...(unconvincingly) we're happy together... RED: Kelso, you have five seconds to get as far away from me as possible. KELSO: But Red, what about our unspoken bond? RED: ONE! TWO! KELSO (to Laurie): I'll call you (he runs off) They all sit silently, and then hear suddenly the sound of a beer can being opened. They all look at Hyde HYDE: Beer Red? (he hands him a beer) FORMAN BASEMENT Eric, Fez, Hyde and Jackie in the circle ERIC: And the rest of dinner...was eaten in complete silence. The only sound was the dull throbbing of that vein in Red's giant shiny head. FEZ: Boy, I'm glad I'm not Kelso. Sure he's had sex a lot and I'm still a virgin but...OH I wish I was Kelso. HYDE: No you don't Fez. Being Kelso is like...knowing the truth behind all the deceptions of society but not being able to convince any of your fellow suburban clones that anything's wrong man! No wait, that's me. JACKIE (laughing): Man, I just totally forgot why I was laughing! Isn't that funny?! ERIC: Okay...no more for the cheerleader okay? FEZ: Jackie you seem different. I don't know if it's your hair, your outfit...or your red puffy eyes.. HYDE: She's Zen man. I've taken her under my wing. I'm running a dojo of coolness. Jackie, demonstrate. JACKIE (with her mouth full): Oogly-googly. Oogly. HYDE (giving Jackie a look): It's her first day... FORMAN LIVING ROOM Red and Kitty are reading. Suddenly Red throws down his newspaper RED: Kitty I don't want our daughter dating that kettle-head! KITTY: Well maybe it's just a phase. RED: No...he's been a kettle-head since... KITTY: No no, I meant Laurie. RED: This is how it starts you know. First they're dating and having fun...and then the next thing you know...they're prying the money to pay for a wedding from my cold dead hands. KITTY: Oh honey, they're not gonna get married! He'll leave her when she gets pregnant. Ahahahahaha! (she sees Red's look) Oh. Okay. I see Mr. Smiley isn't in town today...

RED: I expected more from her. What the hell is she doing with some highschool kid? She went to college! KITTY: Well she did flunk out. RED: Oh Kitty. I can see how their future is gonna turn out...and it's not good...(Red starts to daydream) THE FUTURE – 1997 A white background with an Aibo-dog on the foreground. He barks and waves with his paw. Red, Laurie, Kelso and Kitty are dressed in silver clothes and having dinner. A robot (FEZ) is serving them ROBOT-FEZ (with robotvoice): More mashed potatoes Red? RED: Why thank you, ServaTron 2000 (he takes a bite) Well that's cold! Damn foreign robots. LAURIE: Oh it's so nice to have dinner with the family like this. KELSO: Yeah it's a good thing we found a babysitting droid for the quintuplets. KITTY: So Michael, how is the jobhunt going? KELSO (looking startled): Great! You know, they had a real short line at the unemployment office so I got home in time to catch the end of the Spaceprice is Right. LAURIE: You know, times are tough for me and Kelso right now. You'll help us won't you Daddy? RED: I'll always be there for you honey. KELSO: I think she means financially Red. RED: I know what she means. Kettle-head. KELSO: You're giving us more money, right dude? RED: Yes dammit. KELSO: Allright allright. Hey Laurie, I think it's time for our 'nap' (they start to get up) RED: Allright! That's it! I've got to go to Saturn on business for a week. Now when I get back, you better have a job or it's off to the asteroidmines for you! (he throws down his napkin and leaves) ROBOT-FEZ: Don't forget your briefcase Red (he helps him strap a jetpack to his back) RED: Thank you ServaTron 2000. Now, roll back the roof, cause I gotta go. Jetpack blast off! Red flies off, Laurie, Kelso and Kitty wave goodbye FORMAN LIVINGROOM KITTY: Red! Red! RED: That's it. I'm just gonna tell her that she can't see him anymore. KITTY: No no, you can't do that Red. In fact the more we fight it the more she's gonna want to be with...kettle-head. RED: Ah at this rate I'm gonna have a heart-attack before I even get my jetpack. FORMAN BASEMENT Hyde, Kelso and Fez are sitting around KELSO: You know, I missed you guys. Yeah this place just isn't the same when I'm not around. Eric comes in ERIC: Oh hey. You guys wanna hear a really funny story? I was just upstairs, and Red was yelling at me about you. And uh then I said: what are you doing yelling at me, Kelso is right downstairs. In fact. I'll go get him for ya I said! HYDE: Say that is a funny story! KELSO: I don't care. I'll talk to Red. He was really mean to me, and here I'm brought him a fivepack. So I hope he is ready to apologize. ERIC (laughing): Oooohhh yeah. HYDE: Yeah that's it. If there's one thing Red's about, it's forgiveness... FEZ: No he's not. He's the opposite of that!...Oh wait. I get you! Funny! FORMAN GARAGE Red and Kelso are standing in the garage. Red closes the garagedoor. KELSO: Wait uhh Red, can't we leave that open? RED: Have a seat Kelso. You know, I've been thinking a lot about your "relationship" with my only daughter. KELSO: She's a gem. RED (squeezing a pair of cutters): Shut up. Kitty says that if the two of you want to see eachother there's nothing I can do about it. But she's wrong. Cause I could kill ya. Kelso looks at Red with his mouth hanging open RED: That's a joke Kelso. You should laugh when I make a joke. KELSO: Huhuhh...hey good one Red... RED: See you're making me think that I should take a personal interest in you. And you don't want that. Take Eric for example. I have a personal interest in him. KELSO: Oh God. RED: There you go. What you wanna do here, is fly in under my radar. So that if I never see you and Laurie together, or hear your name mentioned in the same breath I might just forget that you even exist. Got it? KELSO: Yeah. Okay so you mean if me and Laurie... RED: UH now, see, you just mentioned my daughters name. KELSO: I'm sorry. Okay uhh, if Kelso and your daughter... RED: No no no no, see that's not gonna work either. KELSO: Well this is hard Red! RED: Well you gonna be here till you get it right Kelso! KELSO: Well okay Red, but eventually my parents are gonna come looking for me. RED: Yeah, but they're not gonna find ya! (Kelso looks really scared) Well that's another joke! Come on, laugh Kelso! Kelso starts to cry FORMAN BASEMENT Jackie and Hyde are reading, Donna and Fez talking. Laurie comes down the stairs LAURIE (to Jackie): Oh you again. What happened, did they let out kindergarden early today? JACKIE (keeps reading): Whatever. LAURIE: Jackie don't you have a lame comeback, saved for just this very occasion? JAKCIE (still reading): That's cool. LAURIE: Ohhh so now you're little miss Cool huh. JACKIE (still reading): Whatever. LAURIE: Well, if you're really as cool as you think you are, you would have been able to hold on to your one true love. But you couldn't, could you? Loser! Oh well. Jackie growls, throws her magazine aside and attacks Laurie. They start to fight behind the couch, out of sight, kicking and screaming FEZ: Catfight!! DONNA: You guys stop it!! (she interferes) OWWW! You bit me! Jackie hit her in the eye!! The fight continues FEZ: Oh I know! We can throw water on them and then we can see through their shirts! JACKIE (getting up and giving Laurie one last kick): BITCH!! Laurie runs up the stairs HYDE: You kicked her ass man! JACKIE (out of breath): Yeah yeah, whatever...(she hugs Donna) FEZ: Oh my God, I'm so turned on! FORMAN BASEMENT, a little later Jackie is putting ointment on Donna's arm DONNA: I can't believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn't give me like slut rabies. ERIC: Jackie, you're my hero! You hit her in the eye! JACKIE: Yeah, but I guess it wasn't very Zen of me, was it Hyde? HYDE: Well, where Zen ends... ass-kicking begins. And that's your final lesson, Grasshopper. JACKIE (slowly): Hey man, let's do that thing where we all sit in a circle again... (everyone grabs a seat and they form a circle) The end