The Love Spell Potential


 * Leonard: I push my shoulder against the secret door to see if it gives way.
 * Howard: Uh, it does. (Creaking sound)
 * Sheldon: He does sound effects, too!
 * Leonard: Hey, I always did sound effects. A-A swarm of bloodthirsty bats fly through the dungeon. (Clicking sounds) Uh, uh, they attack a nearby unicorn. (Strange howl)
 * Sheldon: Okay, well, I have a sound effect for those sound effects. (Blows raspberry)
 * Penny: Guess who?
 * Howard: What are you doing back?
 * 'Bernadette: That’s an excellent question. Amy?
 * Amy: Uh, well, when we were going through security, I got pulled out of line for a pat-down.
 * (Scene of Bernadette smiling crossly at Amy)
 * Amy: The, uh, TSA agent got a little handsy. I may have broken her nose with my elbow.
 * (Scene of Leonard and Sheldon looking shocked)
 * Bernadette: (she is very cross indeed at what Amy had said) Long story short, she’s on the No Fly List and we might have been followed here by a drone.
 * Amy: I’m sorry. I feel like such an idiot.
 * Penny: Oh, it’s not so bad. You lost money, you’re filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger. I mean, that’s Vegas, you nailed it.
 * Amy: You guys enjoy your evening. I’m gonna go before I ruin anybody else’s weekend.
 * Sheldon: Ah, that’s my girl.
 * Leonard: No, no, no, Amy, wait. I know it’s not the night you had in mind, but why don’t you guys stay and play with us? It’ll be fun.
 * Sheldon: It would? Fun? Okay, three weeks ago you bought crunchy peanut butter, now you want the girls to play D&D? Do you have a drug problem?
 * Leonard: What’s the big deal? Raj bailed, so we could use some extra players.
 * Sheldon: Well, I’ve just never played Dungeons & Dragons with girls before.
 * Penny: Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. No one has.
 * Leonard: So, what do you say?
 * Sheldon: I’ll leave it up to the dungeon master.
 * Howard: A satanic fungus that looks suspiciously like Al Pacino rises from the forest floor and says, (Al Pacino voice) You’re playing D&D. You’re playing D&D. This whole apartment is playing D&D.


 * (Scene of Amy sulking in Sheldon's bedroom)
 * Sheldon: (Knock..knock..knock) Amy? (Knock..knock..knock) Amy? (Knock..knock..knock) Amy?
 * Amy: What?
 * Sheldon: Never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.
 * Amy: You don’t have to come in here and cheer me up.
 * Sheldon: Thank you. Would you go and tell everyone else that because they think otherwise?
 * Amy: I’ll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke.
 * Sheldon: Well, I don’t think our relationship is a joke. I think a horse goes into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?” That’s a joke. It’s a good one too, because a horse has a long face.
 * Amy: Sheldon. Are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?
 * Sheldon: Oh my. That’s an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.
 * Amy: And now?
 * Sheldon: And now what?
 * Amy: Do you have any interest now?
 * Sheldon: I've not ruled it out.
 * Amy: Wow, talk dirty to me.
 * Sheldon: I know it doesn't seem like it to you, but for me, what we have is extremely intimate.
 * Amy: I guess I know that. It’s just a part of me wants more.
 * Sheldon: More? Just look at us. It’s only been three years. Here we are in bed together. (Sitting on it.)
 * Amy: (Amy laughs slightly.) Come on. Let’s go back out there.
 * Sheldon: No, hold on. My elfin magic user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn't really be playing the game right if we didn't see that through.
 * Amy: OK.
 * Sheldon: I believe that we just killed the dragon and while the others pillage the corpse I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armor. [Rolls dice] It comes off.
 * Amy: Oh?
 * Sheldon: What do you do?
 * Amy: I…kiss you on the lips?
 * Sheldon: I kiss you back on the...(Rolls dice)...lips as well. Your turn.
 * Amy: I remove your armor. What do you do?
 * Sheldon: I erotically caress your...(Rolls dice)...nose.
 * Amy: Keep rolling!

(The opening taxi scene of Bernadette, Penny and Amy entering the back seats with excitement)
 * Bernadette: Burbank Airport, please.
 * Penny: Vegas, here we come!
 * Bernadette: No husbands, no boyfriends, no rules!
 * Amy: No rules? We're not going to get drunk and have a six-way with the Blue Man Group, are we?
 * Penny: (snorts) No.
 * Amy: So there are some rules.
 * Bernadette: Fine. No husbands, no boyfriends, some rules.
 * Amy: Thank you. (Yells) Vegas!


 * (The opening scene of the men at the apartment)
 * Howard: The ladies are away, the boys will play.
 * Raj: Anything can happen.
 * Leonard: It’s gonna get crazy.
 * Sheldon: Dungeons & Dragons.


 * (The opening scene of the girls travelling in the taxi)
 * Penny: I got a brand-new bikini, so drinks at the pool are on these (refers to her breasts).
 * (Close-up of Bernadette)
 * Bernadette: (with a mad smile) I got a sexy new tube top that says come hither, and a can of pepper spray that says close enough, Jack.
 * (Close-up of Amy)
 * Amy: I got some old underwear I’m gonna throw on stage at the Garth Brooks concert.
 * Penny: (slightly confused) I’m sorry, why old?
 * Amy: ‘Cause last time I saw him, I threw new ones and it got me nothing.


 * Sheldon: I’ve got a brand-new seven piece set of polyhedral dice. Hello, new dice smell.
 * Leonard: I’ve got my helm of lordly might, my boots of speed, and if things get too exciting, my inhaler of asthma.
 * Raj: I got my new bloodthirsty savage warrior who will lay waste to all who stand before him. And I had a sensible salad for lunch, so I can eat all the pizza I want.
 * Howard: Come on, are we gonna sit around chatting like a bunch of teenage girls, or are we gonna play D&D like a bunch of teenage boys who are never gonna have sex with those teenage girls?


 * (The taxi clip in the opening of all three girls chanting)
 * Girls: Vegas! Vegas! Vegas!


 * (The last opening clip at the apartment of all four men chanting)
 * Boys: The Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko! The Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko! The Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko!


 * Raj: Lucy?
 * Lucy: Hey. Long time no see.
 * Raj: You don’t know me very well, but each time you crawl out a bathroom window to escape my company, it chips away at my masculinity.
 * Lucy: I’m sorry.
 * Raj: Why would you leave like that?
 * Lucy: You were pushing me. I clearly didn’t want to send my food back, and you tried to make me do it anyway.
 * Raj: Okay, if I upset you, then why didn’t you just say something?
 * Lucy: Well, how can I tell you I’m upset if I can’t tell the woman at Supercuts that my forehead’s my best feature? It’s scary.
 * Raj: Yeah, well, I like you a lot, and that’s scary for me. Mostly because you’re a proven flight risk.
 * Lucy: How could you like me a lot?
 * Raj: Well, uh, for one thing, you have bigger emotional problems than I do, and I find that very attractive in a woman. I, I don’t know. I just, I think you’re wonderful.
 * Lucy: I’m sweating out of my head.


 * Penny: Okay, who wants a drink?
 * Sheldon: Yeah, we, now, Penny, we don’t consume alcohol during Dungeons & Dragons. It impairs our judgment.
 * Penny: Oh, this isn’t alcohol. It’s a magic potion that makes me like you.
 * Leonard: Double potion, please.
 * Howard: Okay, here we go. You find yourselves face-to-face with two hulking ogres. What are you doing in our dungeon? You shall die!
 * Sheldon: Okay, literal goose bumps. Look.
 * Howard: What do you do?
 * Leonard: I draw my broadsword.
 * Sheldon: I ready my quarter-staff.
 * Penny: I drink my potion.
 * Bernadette: I say we attack the big one.
 * Penny: You know what? Give me the dice, I want to roll.
 * Howard: The dungeon master’s supposed to roll.
 * Penny: Yeah, well I’m supposed to be in Vegas throwing up on a shrimp buffet. Now give it. All right, what do I need?
 * Howard: Uh, fifteen or higher.
 * Penny: Fifteen’s the point, the point is fifteen. Give the little lady some room, here it is, coming out. Sixteen! Yes! Oh, please tell me we’re playing for money.
 * Sheldon: Oh, even better than money. You gained experience points.
 * Penny: More potion, please.
 * Leonard: Yeah.


 * Bernadette: (she's excited and very cross) Come on, mama wants a pair of dead ogres.
 * Howard: Seventeen, the larger ogre is dead. The-the other ogre says, you killed my brother, now Ogre Thanksgiving is ruined.
 * Sheldon: That is amazing. He made me care about the ogre.
 * Leonard: All right, Amy, there’s one ogre left. Take him out.
 * Amy: Okay.
 * Penny: Pretend he’s that TSA agent. Come on.
 * Amy: Nineteen. Yes, this is turning out to be even better than Vegas.
 * Penny: No, it’s not.


 * Howard: The dragon falls from the sky, crashing into the volcano.
 * Sheldon: Yay!
 * Howard: But wait., he’s not dead. He crawls out, spreads his wings and prepares to attack.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, uh, wait. Doesn’t he say something first? You know, maybe in the voice of a beloved celebrity?
 * Howard: Fine. (Christopher Walken voice) You’d think, after all these years, I’d know not to fly over volcanoes. I’m a freaking idiot.
 * Sheldon: The dragon’s Christopher Walken. That’s perfect.
 * Leonard: All right, Amy, it’s your turn. We need one more hit. Finish him off.
 * Amy: Here we go. Fifteen?
 * Howard: It’s a hit. The dragon collapses to the ground.
 * Sheldon: Wait. Wait. And says?
 * Howard: Mother? Is that you? Your little boy is coming home.
 * Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know about you guys, but I have been through the emotional wringer tonight.
 * Bernadette: (being sweet to Howard) This may be the potion talking, but you are one fine-ass dungeon master.
 * Howard: Oh, yeah? Well, when we get home, I’m gonna take you on a whole different adventure.
 * Sheldon: Another quest by Wolowitz? Count me in.
 * Amy: Sheldon, they’re talking about sex.
 * Sheldon: Oh, then I’m out.
 * Penny: Ooh, I have an idea. Since it’s not happening any time soon, why don’t your character and your character do it in the game?
 * Bernadette: Ooh! (touches Howard's arm) Come on, back me up here.
 * Howard: Oh.
 * Together (Howard and Bernadette): Ooh!
 * (Scene of a disgusted Leonard and Penny. pan to the close up of Bernadette pointing to Shamy whilst speaking joyfully)
 * Bernadette: Okay, I cast a love spell on Sheldon and Amy.
 * Leonard: Ooh! Sorry, I thought you were gonna do that.
 * Howard: The love spell takes effect. When Sheldon looks at Amy, she is the most beautiful half-orc he’s ever seen, and he’s overcome with a desire to rip her armour off and gaze fondly at her four hairy breasts. When Amy sees Sheldon, he looks, well, just like Sheldon, ’cause apparently she’s into that. What do you do?
 * Amy: I don’t like this.
 * (Gets up off the couch and runs out of the room. Howard and Bernadette think to themselves. The sound of door slamming is played to a grumpy Leonard and an unhappy Penny. Sheldon looks worried)
 * Sheldon: You see what happens when you let girls play D&D?
 * (Howard doesn't have a thing to say at what Sheldon had said by this point)


 * (The ending shot of Leonard and Penny in the hallway by the door of Sheldon's bedroom)
 * Leonard: (knocks) Hey, you guys have been in there for a while. You doing okay?
 * Sheldon (off): We’re fine, thank you.
 * Penny: Okay, we just want to say, we feel really bad about…
 * Amy: (shouts off-screen) Go away! Sheldon is nibbling on my (sound of dice) 14! Yes!