The Wildebeest Implementation


 * (Amy's phone rings)
 * Amy: Hang on. (she looks at her phone) It's the wildebeest. Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.
 * Penny: What the hell did she say?
 * Amy: She thinks it's cool you're following your dream, no matter what.
 * Penny: (short pause) That bitch!


 * Priya: Who wants some more coffee?
 * Leonard: Thanks, yeah.
 * Howard: Sure.
 * Bernadette: Let me help you.
 * Howard: Nice to see that the gals are getting along.
 * Leonard: Gals? Who are you, Fred Flintstone?
 * Bernadette: This trip to India sounds fun.
 * Priya: Yeah, I think it will be.
 * Bernadette: Are you concerned your parents might not approve of Leonard?
 * Priya: A little. They’re very old-fashioned.
 * Bernadette: Well, I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s not like you guys are getting engaged, right?
 * Priya: Oh, God, no. We’re not there yet.
 * Bernadette: Not engaged. Very interesting. I have to tinkle.
 * Priya: You’ve been in there a lot tonight. Are you okay?
 * Bernadette: (she answers Priya crossly) Yes. (she asks Priya crossly) Are you writing a book?
 * Priya: Why are you getting upset?
 * Bernadette: (yells at Priya crossly) I’m not upset. Maybe you’re upset.
 * Priya: What’s up with you? (Bernadette mouth something but nothing comes out) Bernadette?
 * (Bernadette mouths for one last second and she finally gets most tremendously fed up and cross by all of this)
 * Bernadette: I can’t do this anymore! I’m a good girl! I went to Catholic school!
 * (Bernadette angrily grabs her handbag, opens Raj's apartment door in a rage and storms out with giant fury leaving Raj's apartment door open)
 * Howard: Okay, well, it’s getting late. This was terrific. (knocks the first Jenga pieces down) You win. (knocks the second Jenga pieces down) Bernie? (He exits)
 * (The sound of Howard slamming the door of Raj's apartment is now played to the scene of the puzzled Priya)
 * Leonard: I think the word you’re looking for is befuddled.
 * (Leonard now sips his coffee and Priya doesn't know what to say)


 * Penny (to the shoes) : All right, guys, you have to go back. I can’t afford you. “No, don’t send us away, we love you.” I love you, too, but you cost more than my rent. “But, Penny, you look so good in us.” Damn it, the shoes are right.
 * Amy: Good golly, Penny, your whimsy is boundless. (Phone rings) What do you got for me, wildebeest?
 * (Scene of the unhappy Bernadette in Raj's bathroom)
 * Bernadette: (upset and panicky) I think they’re on to me. The story’s starting to fall apart.
 * Amy: Calm down. Everything’s going to be okay. (To Penny) We may have to kill her. Bernadette, I’m putting you on speakerphone. Where are you now?
 * Bernadette: (out of vision through the speaker) In the bathroom.
 * Amy: Oh, look at this, another one of our classic bathroom gabfests. What’s the problem?
 * (Scene of Bernadette getting more angry in Raj's bathroom)
 * Bernadette: (answering Amy crossly) They’re just asking me all sorts of questions I can’t answer.
 * (Scene of Amy at Penny's apartment reassuring Bernadette on the phone)
 * Amy: Just change the subject.
 * Bernadette: (out of vision through the speaker) I suppose I could get them back to talking about Leonard going to India to meet Priya’s parents.
 * Penny: (gulps her wine in shock) What?
 * Bernadette: (out of vision through the speaker) They said something about going there this summer.
 * Penny: What, are they getting engaged?
 * Bernadette: (she is so tremendously cross) I don’t know. I was too busy covering my heinie on Amy’s stupid astronaut story!
 * Amy: What astronaut story?
 * Bernadette: (softly and crossly) You texted me Penny’s dating an astronaut.
 * Amy: I texted architect. That’s amusing. Auto-correct must've changed it.
 * Bernadette: (she is so tremendously cross again) Yeah, it’s hysterical.
 * Penny: All right, look, just forget about the astronaut.
 * Amy: Architect. Where would you have met an astronaut?
 * Penny: Look, just find out what’s up with this trip to India.
 * Bernadette: (she's so totally fed up and angry with enormous rage) I don’t want to do this anymore!
 * Penny: Don’t you quit on us!
 * (We now hear Howard knock on Raj's bathroom door)
 * Howard (out of vision): Bernie, you okay?
 * Bernadette (she's screaming with huge anger): It was an architect!
 * (Amy and Penny are shocked by Bernadette's huge angry scream through her phone)


 * Sheldon: Actually I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece. How do you feel about Prince Joey? The king's feeble minded but well-meaning cousin... The fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves, there's a one in five chance he'll kill himself.


 * Sheldon: My catapult flings my bishop to Howard’s Queen’s Gorilla two.
 * Howard: Nice. Okay, rook to transporter pad. And he comes out at Leonard’s Queen’s Bishop five-and-a-third. Check on Leonard.
 * Leonard: Hang on. When is my pawn allowed to use the golf cart?
 * Sheldon: When it’s done charging. Or you land on the time machine. Obviously.
 * Leonard: Oh, oh, Beekeeper to King 12. I capture your Pope and release the swarm. Checkmate on Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: I knew I should have given my Pope the jet pack.
 * Raj: Hey, I've got winners.


 * Raj: She never even got to see my penis. Ta-da!


 * Amy: I must say, Penny, this is great fun.
 * Penny: Glad you’re enjoying yourself.
 * Amy: Until I met you and Bernadette, my trips to the bathroom had been entirely focused on elimination. Now they have a delightful social aspect.
 * Bernadette: Amy, you must’ve been in the bathroom with other women before.
 * Amy: Of course I have. But they were strangers and seemed off-put when I engaged in friendly stall-to-stall chit-chat.
 * Bernadette: Some women don’t like to get chummy when their panties are down.
 * Amy: You okay in there, bestie?
 * Penny: I’m fine.
 * Amy: The reason I ask is that many people experience bladder shyness, the inability to pass urine
 * Penny: Yeah, I said I’m fine. Stop talking to me.
 * Amy: She always this crabby when she urinates?
 * Bernadette: We’re really not that close.
 * Penny: Screw it. I’ll go later.
 * Amy: And I’ll be right by your side.


 * (The opening scene at the ladies shoe shop)
 * Bernadette: (friendly to Penny for one second) Did I tell you Priya invited me and Howard to have dinner with her and Leonard?
 * Penny: Oh, that’s nice
 * Amy: (she speaks indignantly) No, it’s not. It’s a strategic manoeuvre. Leonard’s new girlfriend is testing Bernadette’s loyalty to you and the group. That bitch is crafty.
 * (Penny walks away)
 * Bernadette: (1st time: she's asking Amy crossly) You think?
 * Amy: (1st time: she's slightly sarcastic) Of course. How does the cheetah attack a herd of wildebeests? By going after its weakest member.
 * (Bernadette is now a tiny bit cross by Amy's joke)
 * Bernadette: (2nd time: she's asking Amy crossly) Well, what makes me the weakest member?
 * Amy: Your trusting nature coupled with your teeny-tiny body. You wouldn’t last a minute on the Serengeti.
 * (Bernadette is now really cross by this. The hugely cross Penny returns to the scene)
 * Penny: (she gives Amy a very sharp advice) Okay, Amy, you’re being silly. I am not concerned about who hangs out with who. And I certainly don’t have a problem with Leonard’s new girlfriend who wears way too much makeup. Ooh, these are cute. Of course if I buy them, I’ll have to rent my womb out to a gay couple.
 * Bernadette: (she is even more anxious) It doesn’t matter. I’m going to tell her we can’t make it.
 * Amy: (she's being bossy to Bernadette) Oh, no. You have to go.
 * Bernadette: (she is so confused) I don’t understand. I thought I was a teeny-tiny wildebeest.
 * Amy: (2nd time: she's slightly sarcastic) You are, with hair that smells like strawberries. And we’re going to use that to our advantage.
 * Penny: (she's asking Amy crossly) Wait. What are you talking about?
 * Amy: (she tells Penny a shifty plan) By accepting the invitation, Bernadette becomes a double agent inside the enemy camp. She could ferret out Priya’s tactics, identify her weaknesses and feed her false information, such as, Leonard’s no stranger to back-alley cockfights.
 * Bernadette: (she is even more anxious) I don’t know. I’m not a very good liar. They kind of whup that out of you in Catholic school.
 * Amy: (she explains a cunning plot to Bernadette) Don’t worry. I’ll teach you. I did two years of Cub Scouts before they found out I was a girl.
 * (Bernadette isn't too pleased by Amy's cunning plot)
 * Penny: (she now has a devious plot) Okay, I don’t know you people. I’m just an innocent woman wondering if this shoe store will take my Texaco card.
 * (Penny now sneakily walks out of view)
 * Amy: (she's asking Bernadette a shifty question) How do you feel about concealing a recording device in the cleavage of your ample bosom?
 * Bernadette: (she's answering Amy disgustingly) I don’t want anything in my ample bosom.
 * Amy: Come on, Strawberries. Take one for the team.
 * (Bernadette puts the handbag down furiously just as the opening theme song to "The Big Bang Theory" begins).


 * Amy: Oh, my metatarsal are barking.
 * Leonard: You okay?
 * Amy: Yeah, yeah. I’m just breaking in some new shoes.
 * Leonard: Very pretty.
 * Amy: Thank you. Did you know that women wear high heels to make the buttocks and breasts more prominent?
 * Leonard: Hadn’t really thought about it.
 * Amy: Look.
 * Leonard: Uh, sure. Very… prominent.
 * Amy: Please, Leonard, don’t leer, you have a girlfriend.
 * Leonard: Sorry.
 * Amy: So, are you off to dinner with Priya, Howard and Bernadette?
 * Leonard: Yeah. How did you know?
 * Amy: I heard it at the mall, when I was shopping with my girlfriends, ’cause, you know, that’s kind of my life now. Have a good night. Try not to ogle my caboose as I walk away.


 * Amy: I don’t understand. Is this a way to break in new shoes?
 * Penny: No. Once these puppies touch the ground they’re mine, and I’ll have to wear them walking up and down Hollywood Boulevard in order to pay them off. Pretty, pretty, pretty.
 * Amy: Good news: the wildebeest is in the curry.
 * Penny: The what?
 * Amy: Bernadette is with Priya and Leonard. Message received. Commence operation “Priya Wouldn’t Wanna Be-ya.”
 * Penny: Hey. Seriously? Didn’t you get enough of this cliquey crap in high school?
 * Amy: I wish. A clique requires friends. I didn’t have any.
 * Penny: None?
 * Amy: I used to take my lunch down to the maintenance room and eat with the janitor. It was nice until his wife called me a puta and made me stop. Hang on. It’s the wildebeest. Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.
 * Penny: Wh…What the hell did she say?
 * Amy: She thinks it’s cool you’re following your dream, no matter what.
 * Penny: That bitch!
 * Amy: How do you want to handle it?
 * Penny: Um, okay. Tell Bernadette to tell Priya that I’m on my way to Prague to shoot a movie with Angelina Jolie.
 * Amy: Got it. Is it going to be in 3-D?
 * Penny: What? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.
 * Amy: I’m gonna say 3-D. That’ll let her know the studio has faith in it.


 * Leonard: You’re kidding. 3-D?
 * Bernadette: That’s what I hear.
 * Howard: Then the studio must have real faith in it.
 * Leonard: Wonder why she didn’t tell me.
 * Priya: Have you been spending time with your ex-girlfriend?
 * Leonard: No.
 * Priya: Then why are you surprised she didn’t tell you?
 * Leonard: Well, it’s not as much surprised as, uh, uh, you know, uh. th-th-th-the other thing.
 * Priya: What other thing?
 * Leonard: Well, you know, if you, if, if, if you, uh, I don’t, oh, what’s the word I’m looking for?
 * Howard: I’m not going to help you. This is hilarious.
 * Bernadette: She’s also dating an astronaut.
 * Priya: Wow. That’s very impressive.
 * Bernadette: Yeah. But Leonard’s impressive, too.
 * Leonard: Thank you. Befuddled. The word I was looking for was befuddled.


 * (The scene of Leonard, Priya, Howard and Bernadette playing Jenga together)
 * Howard: Okay, I’m still trying to work this out. How did Penny meet an astronaut?
 * Bernadette: I don’t know. The regular way people meet astronauts.
 * Howard: Most of those guys live in Texas.
 * Bernadette: (she's speaking crossly) Obviously, this one doesn’t.
 * Howard: Okay.
 * Bernadette: (she is now very cross) Leonard lives here. Priya’s from India. People meet, Howard. God!
 * Howard: Fine.
 * Bernadette: (she is now even more crosser) You’ve met lots of astronauts, and I’ve never grilled you about that. I’d thank you to extend me the same courtesy.
 * Howard: I’m not grilling you, I was just curious.
 * Leonard: I still can’t get over the fact that she got a big movie part. Not that I care what my ex-girlfriend’s up to, ’cause I don’t.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking in huge anger) Maybe that’s where she met the astronaut, all right?
 * Priya: I’m sorry. What would an astronaut be doing working on a movie?
 * Bernadette: (she's grunting angrily) He’s a consultant.
 * Leonard: I thought the movie was about 18th-century Vienna?
 * (Bernadette now slams her coffee mug down on the table with complete fury)
 * Bernadette: (she's so tremendously cross) He can’t have a hobby? (she gets up off the couch furiously) Excuse me, I have to pee. (she shouts with the hugest burst of anger) is that implausible, as well?
 * Howard: It’s nice to have another couple to hang with, isn’t it?