The Great Pantzini

Red Guy: We now interrupt The Piles the Beaver show for this important commercial. Hello, it's me! The Great Pantzini! The circus is in town. So, come on down and kiss a clown!

Mom: OH, BOY! The circus!

Dad: Why don't you kids run along and join the circus?

Cow: But, we do not wish to do that.

Dad: Well, kids, HAVE A GREAT TIME!

Mom: Au revoir!

Chicken: The Great Pantzini Circus.

Cow: (whimpers)

Red Guy: HELLO! Run away to join the circus, mmm? Well, you've come to the right place! COME WITH ME, LADIES! What are you staring at? Never seen a guy butt-walk before? You know, we have been running a little short on help these days, ever since MIKE THE MICRO-TRUNKED ELEPHANT sat on the Chinese acrobats the other night, now referred to as the Chinese pancakes.

Cow: You made Mike cry!

Red Guy: Aaaand?

Cow: And nothing.

Red Guy: Hmm, what can I do with a antelope and a turkey? Yes, I know! You could be the circus fat woman and you can be her turkey!

Cow: But, I am a girl, not a woman.

Red Guy: (chortles) Your secret's safe with me.

Chicken: Hey, is dis a real circus?

Red Guy: Yeah-huh! Just check out my one-trick pony!

Chicken: Hey, dis ain't no trick pony! It's really a weenie dog with a taped-on mane and tail!

Red Guy: That's his trick? I GOT A LION! Come on, I'll let ya tame it. Whoa! Oh, be careful! This one's a real killer.

Chicken: Hey, hey, hey! Wait a minute! That's no killer; that's a stupid, little mouse!

Cow: Oh, he's adorable!

Red Guy: Adorable, MY BUTT! He's a man-eater

Chicken: I'll show yas. Hey, you wanna piece of me, mouse?

Cow: Ooh!

Chicken: (screams) Oh, no! Oh, no! Help! SOMEBODY, GET THIS MOUSE AWAY FROM ME!

Red Guy: Oh, I told you he was a killer! (screams) GET HIM OFF ME! OH! MY FACE! MY FACE! All righty. You're a tightrope girl. CLIMB THAT LADDER! Climb! Climb! CLIMB LIKE THE WIND! Oh, a antelope on a tightrope! Ooh, I'm gonna be rich!

Cow: (whimpers)

Red Guy: Ooh, think of the headlines! Great Pantzini teaches fat antelope- Hey! What are ya doin'?

Cow: Did I do good, Mr. Pantzini?

Red Guy: Please, get off the tightrope right NOW! (screams) I'm hurt.

Cow: (giggles)

Red Guy: Hello, Mr. Turkey! You are going to be the circus fire eater! Open your pork trap!

Chicken: I don't want it!

Red Guy: But, it's good for you. It's got hot vitamins and crud like that in it. Here, watch Daddy eat some! Vroom, vroom! (screams) MY TONGUE! I BURNED MY TONGUE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! THE SHOW OPENS TOMORROW! It could be worse. At least, I've got my clowns.

Clown: Hey, Pantzini! We quit! All my kissing made my wife jealous!

Mom: OH, I'M SO EXCITED!

Dad: Hey, look, Mama! It's our kids! They're clowns!

Red Guy: LADIES AND GERBILS, INTRODUCTING ME! THE GREAT PANTZINI! It's only me. Everybody else either quit me or was made into a pancake. FOR MY FIRST ACT, I'M GONNA JUGGLE THESE THREE POTS OF BOILING OIL!

All: (cheering)

Teacher: Go, baby!

Red Guy: Drrrrum roll, please! (screams) BOILING OIL! BOILING OIL! OW! DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THISE! I'M HIDEOUS! I WILL NOW DIVE INTO THIS GLASS OF WATER!

All: (gasp)

Red Guy: (groans) I missed.

All: (laugh)

Red Guy: They like me. They really like me.

Surgeon: That man is a fraud! He's no clown! He's a doctor! And he's needed in surgery right away!

Cow: Oh, no!

Teacher:  Is this true?!

Red Guy: It's true! Thank you. Let's bring it down a notch and get serious, eh, Carl? This is a sad story about a young boy growing up wanting more than anything to be a clown like his mama. (sings)

I tried on a shoes,

When I was saddled with feet,

That were too small,

In the mind of a genius!

WHEN ALL I WANTED WAS TO SQUIRT SELTZER WATER! (sobs)

I was forced TO BE A BRAIN SURGICALLY SURGEON! Mama was a clown. Dad married a clown! But, I wasn't FUNNY ENOUGH TO BE A CLOWN! (sobs) Mama and Papa never forgave me for that.

Cop: You're not a licensed clown; you're a licensed doctor. You made all these innocent people laughing illegally! You've got to give them back their laughter right now.

Nurse: The doctor will see you now.

Red Guy: HA-HA!

Teacher: Thank you, handsome.

Red Guy: HA-HA! HA-HA!

Chicken: 'Ey, you know what? He can keep my laughter.

Red Guy: (laughing)

Cow: Oh, mine, too. I have 50 more laughs where those came from!

Red Guy: (laughing) Would you like your laughter back, too? (laughs) End!