Read Aloud

Lincoln: "Guys, you're not gonna believe this! The library's having a contest. We can win an entire night at Spunk E. Pigeon's!" [shows his family the flyer for the contest.] [Transition to a commercial for the place.] Announcer: [narrating] "Spunk E. Pigeon's Pizza Palooza Paradise! Starring your favorite video games! Your favorite toppings! And your favorite hits!" Spunk E. [metallic tone] "♫Ooh, girl, if I could-♫" Anamatronic Fish: "♫Ooh, girl♫" Spunk E. and Fish: "♫Give you the world, girl♫" Announcer: "Spunk E. Pigeon's Pizza Palooza Paradise! You'll lose your mind!" [End commercial] Sisters and parents: [excited] "YOU MEAN ALL OF IT?!" Lincoln: "Yeah! All to ourselves! We just have to read as many books as we can as a family." Lynn Sr.: "Well, hot dog, kids! We've got some reading to do!" Rita: "To the library!" Lisa: [worried] "Uh-oh. My overdue fines!" [Everyone starts heading out the door.] Everyone except Lola: [chanting] ""Spunk E. Pigeon! Spunk E. Pigeon! Spunk E. Pigeon!" Lola: [nonchalantly] "Reading, huh?" [Lincoln's expression changes to one of shock.]

[The library] Loud Family minus Lola: [chanting inside] "The library! The library! The library!" Librarian Wetta: "Shh!" Rita: [quietly] "Whoops! Hush tones, kids." Lynn Sr.: "Hut hut!" ''[The family spreads out all over the library and goes to get their books. Lisa comes to check out her books while wearing a cowboy hat and mustache.]'' Librarian Wetta: [suspicious] "You look familiar." Lisa: "Oh, uh-" [fake Texan accent] "No, ma'am. I'm brand new to these here parts." Librarian Wetta: "Hmm...I swear I've seen you somewhere before." [The rest of the family comes in with a plethora of books to check out.] Librarian Wetta: [on desk phone] "Emilio, I'm gonna need backup."

[Back home] Lincoln: "What did you get from the library, Lola?" [Lola shows him a roll of stickers.] "Stickers? Uh, I'm not sure those count as something to read." Lola: "Hmph. Reading's boring." Lincoln: "No, it's not. And we can't win the pizza party unless everyone in the family reads at least one book." Lola: "Well, tough tiaras, 'cause I'm not gonna do it!" [goes upstairs] Luna: "Dudes, Lola's gonna blow our pizza party! What are we gonna do?" Lucy: "Easy. We chain her up in the attic and tell the librarian she never existed. Lana just has to pretend she has a split personality." Lana: "I can do it!" Lynn Sr.: [unsure] "Seems a little extreme?" Rita: [shakes her husband] "Honey, there's pizza at stake here!" Lincoln: "Wait! Maybe there's an easier way. You heard Lola; she just thinks that reading is boring. So we need to help her see that it's not." Rita: "You're right. That makes more sense." [whispers to Lucy] "Just in case, keep your chains handy."

''[The kitchen. Lynn Sr. is reading the cookbook he checked out as Lola comes in.]'' Lynn Sr.: [stagily excited] "Whoa! You can make pancakes with just eggs and a banana? Boy, I tell ya, these cookbooks are a nonstop thrill ride. You wanna read one?" Lola: [with a bowl from the fridge] "No. But when you've made those pancakes, give me a holler. Lola out." [leaves for the dining room] Luan: [stagily laughing] "This book is a hoot! I'm gonna have to get some ice for my knees, I've been slapping them so hard! Care to read one?" Lola: "Sorry. Mom says I do too much slapping already. And biting. And shin kicking. And hair pulling." [leaves] [Upstairs, Lana is fixing up Lola's car with the aid of her mechanic manual.] Lana: "All fixed! It is amazing what you can learn from these auto repair books. Wanna read one, Lola?" Lola: "Why? That's what I pay you for." [tosses Lana a sack] "Eight crickets, as agreed." [goes to her room, puts her bowl on her tea party table and sits down.] "Ugh." [Lucy appears right behind her.] Lucy: "Hey, Lola." [Lola yelps and falls out of her seat.] "Wanna check out volume one of the greatest romance of all time? He's a dark, brooding vampire. She's a misunderstood girl from the wrong side of the cemetery." Lola: "No thank you. I prefer Prince Charming to Prince Alarming." [Enter Lincoln dressed as Ace Savvy.] Lincoln: "Well, how about volume one of the greatest crime-fighting duo of all time? He's an undercover hero with an ace up his sleeve." [holds up the Ace of Spades on cue.] "His sidekick is-" Lola: "Ugh! Stop!" [shoves Lucy and Lincoln out of her room.] "For the last time, I am not interested in reading any of your books!"

Lincoln: "We were going about this all wrong! Of course Lola's not interested in any of our books. We need to find ones that are right for her." ''[The others agree with that statement. Lola is in the basement steam pressing her dress when Lincoln pops his head out of the mannequin.]'' Lincoln: "Hey, Lola! I know you don't want to read about Ace Savvy, but this time I have something that's perfect for you: the Bossy Twins!" [gives Lola a Bossy Twins book.] "They're first graders just like you and Lana, and they solve mysteries!" Lola: [looking at the cover; snidely] "Do they ever solve the mystery of who gave them those hideous haircuts?" ''[Lincoln looks frustrated. Lola is making tea on the dining room table when Lincoln pops up.]'' Lincoln: "Hey, Lola, I've got the perfect book for you! It'll answer all of your burning questions about tea party etiquette." Lola: [scoffs] "I don't have any questions. I'm an expert." Lincoln: "Oh yeah?" [opens a page] "Do you know the proper serving temperature for Earl Grey?" Lola: "208 degrees Fahrenheit." ''[Lincoln looks it up and, judging by the look on his face, finds out she's right. Lola is now watching TV and Lincoln pops up with another book.]'' Lincoln: ""Frankie the Friendly Fairy"?" Lola: "Pass. I'm into unicorns now." Lincoln: "Aha! Then you love..." [takes out another book] "..."Unicorn Universty"!" Lola: "I've already seen the movie. Ugh. That's 99 minutes I'll never get back." [gets up and walks away] "Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta tinkle." [Lincoln goes upstairs and blocks the bathroom door.] Lincoln: "Come on, Lola! The contest ends tomorrow and you're letting everyone down! I'm not moving until you agree to read a book!" Lola:" [reluctantly grabs one] "Fine. Just give me the princess one." [goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.]

[The library] Loud Family: "WE'RE FINISHED!" Rita: "The Loud Family would like to report 260 books read." Librarian Wetta: "Very impressive. The next highest family total is 23, and the contest ends at 5:00." [adds the Louds' name and total to the board in the lead.] "You've got this wrapped up." [The Louds cheer except Lola.] Librarian Wetta: "I'll just need you all to prove you read the books by giving you a book-by-book quiz." Lynn Sr.: [determined] "We're ready for anything!" Librarian Wetta: [takes Lynn Sr.'s cookbook.] "You. Bread crust in a meatloaf: how much?" Lynn Sr.: "Half a cup!" Librarian Wetta: "Very good!" [takes Lori's mystery novel] "You! Twist ending! Go!" Lori: "So, it turns out it wasn't even a student running the blog, it was a teacher! And he literally tried to frame Gabby with a laptop in her-" Librarian Wetta: "That's enough. Very good." [takes Lily's book on animal sounds.] "Now, what does the cow say?" Lily: "Moo!" Librarian Wetta: "Very good!" [takes Lincoln's Ace Savvy book.] "Ace Savvy's real name?" Lincoln: "Spade Nifty!" Librarian Wetta: [with Rita's book] "What time was Mr. Darcy's party?" Rita: "8:00 PM sharp!" Librarian Wetta: [with Lisa's science book.] "Einstein's wives?" Lisa: [still in her cowboy disguise and accent.] "Mileva, 1903-1919. Elsa, 1919-1936...y'all." Librarian Wetta: [with Lana's auto repair manual.] "Four-stroke engine cycle consists of-" Lana: "Intake, compression, power, exhaust!" Librarian Wetta: [with Luan's joke book.] "Sis boom bah!" Luan: "The sound made when a sheep explodes!" Librarian Wetta: [with Luna's rock music history book.] "Mick Swagger owes his entire career to-" Luna: "Delta blues musician Murky Bottoms!" Librarian Wetta: [with Leni's fashion history book.] "Fashion began with-" Leni: "Charles Frederic Worth! First to sew a label!" Librarian Wetta: [with Lynn's sport history book.] "The greatest of all time?" Lynn: "Muhammad Ali! Also prettiest!" Librarian Wetta: [with Lucy's romance novel.] "The night the vampire cried?" Lucy: "Trick question. He cried every night." Librarian Wetta: "Well, I am impressed. Clearly you've done all the work. No need to quiz you on the rest." Lola: "Phew." Librarian Wetta: "Oh, wait. We missed one family member. That's you, sweetie." [takes Lola's princess book] "Tell me about Princess Martha and what she wore on her head." Lola: [nervous] "Oh, uh...she was a princess, all right. Oh yeah. It was a crown! She wore a crown. On her head. Crown. Final answer." Librarian Wetta: "True, but what was so interesting about it?" Lola: "Oh. Uh, it was interesting 'cause...it was made of...chocolate?" Librarian Wetta: [puzzled] "Chocolate?" Lola: [irritated] "What is this, an interrogation?!" Librarian Wetta: "Little girl, did you even read this book?" Lola: "No! I didn't read it!" [The rest of the family gasps.] Librarian Wetta: "The rules officially say that every member has to read at least one book. Little girl, I'm afraid if you didn't read this book, your entire family is out." [Librarian Wetta erases the Loud family's spot on the board and they groan at Lola for her blunder.] Lola: "I told you I didn't wanna do this stinking challenge!" [walks away] Leni: [devastated] "Huh, so long, Spunk E. Pigeon!" Luan: "Yeah! I'd like to give Lola a pizza my mind! But seriously, she ruined everything." Lincoln: "Guys, wait! Remember, Librarian Wetta said the contest closes at 5:00." [checks his watch] "It's only 3:00. We still have two hours!" Lori: "What about Lola? There's literally no point if she won't participate." Lincoln: "Leave everything to me. I'll get her to read that book by 5:00."

[The rest of the family is leaving Lola and Lincoln at the library.] Leni: "You got this." Lisa: "We'll be back in two hours." [Vanzilla drives off] Lincoln: "Alright, what's the deal, Lo? Won't you just read one book?" Lola: "Ugh!" [mockingly] "Won't you just read one book? No! I won't!" Lincoln: "Well, why the heck not?" Lola: "Okay, Lincoln, I guess it's time I told you the truth." [beat] "I just don't like pizza." [Lincoln suddenly recalls photographic memories of Lola actually liking pizza, such as her eating a slice on the table, tucking a slice into her toy bed like a doll, kissing a pizza box, and fighting Charles over a slice.] Lincoln: [doubtful] "Yeah, not buying that. I know you don't like reading books, but everyone's counting on you. It's time to be a team player." Lola: "Well, I'm not moving. So, good luck getting me back in there." [Lincoln brings Lola inside the library by pushing her on a book cart.] Lola: "NOOOOOOOOO!!!" [Now Lola is on the floor.] Lincoln: "Alright, you're not leaving until you read this whole book in front of me." [gives her the princess book] Lola: [clears throat and points the other way.] "BOOKS!" Lincoln: [turns around] "Where?" [realizes Lola distracted him and ran away.] "Dang it." [sees her running past a shelf.] "Hey, get back here!" [gives chase] Lola: "I told you, I ain't reading, okay?!" [comes to a dead end] Lincoln: "I have you now!" Lola: "Like heck!" [attacks Lincoln] Lincoln: "What is wrong with you? Is it that hard to read one measly book?!" Lola: "Yes, it is!" [The fight stops] Lincoln: [surprised] "Wait, what?" Lola: [sad] "It's too hard for me to read, so I never do. Don't you think I wanna read about American princesses and unicorns and the bossy twins, even if they have terrible hair?" Lincoln: "What if I helped you?" Lola: "Are you sure? I'm so slow. And we don't have much time. Doesn't it end at 5:00?" Lincoln: [looks at his watch to see that it's now 4:00pm.] "We'll get through it together. And you'll see, the more you read, the easier it gets. Come on, sis. I'll show ya." [He takes Lola to show her how to read.]

[The library's study room] Lola: [trying to read the book] "O-o-once...yew..." Lincoln: "You got it! Once uh-puh..." Lola: "Upon! Once upon a t-t-t...okay, this word looks weird." Lincoln: "Sound it out. There's the T, so "tuh". Then I..." Lola: "Tuh...I...oh, time! Time! Once upon a time." ''[Lincoln looks at the clock to see it's a quarter to 5:00. Soon, the clock changes to 5:00pm, the deadline.]'' Lola: [still reading] "And-and..." [sees the time] "Oh, Lincoln, it's 5:00 o'clock! What are we gonna do?" Lincoln: "Don't worry about that. Let's finish reading." [Later] Lola: [reading] "And they lived hap-pee-lee...ever..." [gasps] "Happily ever after! The end!" [closes book] "I can't believe it! I read a whole book!" [hugs Lincoln] "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!" [They step out of the study room.] Lincoln: "So proud of you, sis." [The rest of the family is right there angry for missing the deadline.] Luna: "Lincoln, it's 5:30! The contest ended half an hour ago!" Lincoln: [taking blame] "Totally my fault. It's just so quiet here. I must've fallen asleep." Lori: "Well, you literally blew it." Lynn: "Lincoln, you lost the contest for all of us!" Lincoln: "Yeah, I know." Lola: "Wait. Stop, Lincoln." [to the family] "This is my fault. He spent the whole time helping me to read, 'cause, well, it's hard for me. But I like it now. And I'm going to keep practicing because it's not as hard as I thought!" [The rest of the family apologizes and forgives Lola.] Lana: "We're so sorry." Lola: "It's okay. I'm sorry I cost Spunk E. Pigeon for you guys." Rita: "Aw, sweetie, that doesn't matter now." Lisa: "Yes. The important thing is that you're now able to enjoy the wonders of literacy." [takes off her disguise] Librarian Wetta: [furious] "I knew I recognized that voice! The one with the fines!" Lisa: [aware she's busted] "Peace out!" [flees]

[The Spunk E. Pigeon commercial is playing again.] Spunk E. [metallic tone] "♫Ooh, girl, if I could-♫" Spunk E. and Anamatronic Skunk: "♫Ooh, girl, give you the, world, girl♫" Announcer: "The fuzz-a-rockin' explodaganza appears every six minutes!" [The family is watching it] Leni: "You know, this commercial is so realistic, I totally smell pizza." ''[They all sniff around and find the smell to be coming from Lola's room which is packed with toy ovens. Lola is in a chef's outfit and reading one of her dad's cookbooks.]'' Lola: "Hey, guys! Now that I can read, I thought I'd make us all some pizza! Pepperoni's in the oven, and next up is..." [looks at the book] "...pineapple!" ''[The timer goes off much to the family's delight. Later, everyone is eating Lola's pizza.]'' Rita: "Well, isn't this just great?" Lincoln: "Just as good as Spunk E. Pigeon's!" Librarian Wetta: [off-screen] "GET BACK HERE!" [The family looks out the window and notices that Lisa is running away from Librarian Wetta.] Lisa: [cackling] "YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME, WETTA!" Librarian Wetta: [giving chase] "YOU OWE ME $50,000!!!"