The Troll

(Opens showing a snowy planet, Baaaaa-halla, we hear three loud knocks in the distance)

(Pans in to reveal Prince Cashmere sitting at a large round table with food, staring in the distance as he hears the knocking. Next to him, three of his goat warriors look around, also hearing the knocking. Widen to reveal the entire great hall where everyone is having a feast, as the knocking is heard again. Zoom in on Wander and Sylvia, also sitting at the table and alarmed to what they heard)

Wander: Um...you gonna...get the door?

(Pan over to Prince Cashmere, pause)

Prince Cashmere: To arms!

(The goats get their spears, axes and swords, then skip around, Wander and Sylvia watch them in surprise)

Sylvia: Guess they don't like solicitors.

Prince Cashmere: My friends, forgive us this rude intrusion on the feast meant to honor our most recent feats of strength and bravery. We never could have dreamt it would be interrupted, by our greatest of enemies –

(The knocking is heard again)

Prince Cashmere: Hoist the food sack of Thuringian!

(The goats use a set of ropes hooked onto the tablecloth to cover the foods and raise them until they hit the top of the ceiling)

Prince Cashmere: Our most valuable resource. For centuries, it has held our annual harvest, and kept our people fed and mighty through each of the seven seasons. We protected with our lives, for without it, we would starve!

(The knocking is heard again)

Prince Cashmere: And it is what HE has come for. Warriors of Baaaaa-halla, ASSEMBLE!

(The goats bleat and dash out, Prince Cashmere yells and lunges out of the scene as Wander and Sylvia walk up, they look at each other)

(Scene shifts to the outside of the castle, the doors open as the goats charge down the mountain to their fighting positions on each of the castle walls, there is fire and thorns on two levels. Zoom in to the entrance arch, we see a shadow. Prince Cashmere and the goats peek over, the shadow holds up a fist. Widen to reveal a little teal troll standing at the castle door, knocking loudly)

Troll: Hey, dum-dums! (jumps up and tries to reach the giant lock) I thought I told ya not to lock this gate no more!

(The episode's title appears, freeze-frame. Pan upwards to Prince Cashmere, Wander and Sylvia look over his shoulders)

Wander: What an adorable, little troll!

(The troll grunts as it tries to get the giant lock off the door handle)

Sylvia: That? (Chuckles) That's what they're so afraid of?

Prince Cashmere: Await my command!

(The goats get into fighting position)

Troll: Well, if it isn't Prince Cashmere! I hope you losers filled up that pretty little food sack after last year, I'm hunnnnngryyyyy! (rubs his obese stomach)

Prince Cashmere: You are not welcome here, troll! A-return a-from-a wince-a you came, and we shall not harm you!

Troll: (imitating Cashmere) "Return a-from wince you came! I'm Cashmere, and I sound like this!" Hurdy, gurdy, gurdy, gurdy, hurdy, hurdy!

Prince Cashmere: How dare you! I am born of the seventh tribe of Markhoor! I speak with great eloquence!

(The troll's eyes glow pink and his whole body glows said color as he laughs and grows slightly larger. He punches the giant lock away, then barges the door down)

Troll: Yeaaaaaah! Take that, losers!

Sylvia: (gasps) Ohhhhhhh. I see.

(The door on the next level opens up, releasing a herd of goats. They plow onto the troll and attack him)

Troll: Ow-w! You call that (Chuckles) Hitting? (Chuckles) It feels like – (Chuckles) Sweet little (Chuckles) Kisses!

One of the goats: (gasps) Cur! I would never kiss anyone! Except someone who I admired and respected! And only after we dated for quite a while!

Goat #2: Ja, kissing is very intimate!

Goat #1: I'm saving my first kiss for my special someone, not you!

(The troll laughs and grows bigger)

Troll: Here WE GO! (punches goats away and laughs)

(Camera pans up to Wander, he stares for a moment, then shakes his head and rolls his eyes)

Prince Cashmere: Heroic Wander and Mighty Sylvia, I must command my troops from the ground. Can I rely on your bravery, and impressive physical prowess, to hold down the great hall?

Sylvia: Ho-ho, are you kiddin'? Fighting: My thing! Helping: His thing! Right, Wander? (Wander isn't there) Wander? Wander!

(Zoom in to the great hall, Wander is lounging in front of the fire)

Wander: (gives thumbs up) Eeeeyup!

(Pause)

Prince Cashmere: (Walks up to Sylvia and holds her hand) Oh-ho, t'ank you, my friends. Ground Squad, FOLLOW ME! (Exits as three goats with spears follow him)

Sylvia: Alright archers, head to the roof and start firing! (the goats with bows in the background march off) Catapult guy, make it rain! Go, go, go!

(The goats begin shooting arrows and rocks all over the place. The door on the second level opens, and the ground squad charges out. The troll is climbing up to the second level)

(Cut to the great hall)

Sylvia: Wander, let's go. Battle time!

Wander: Don't I know it. (eats a peanut)

Sylvia: (Growls, exits)

(Cut to the goats on level 2, the troll is in front of them, between them are missed arrows)

Troll: Nice beard, did your little sister braid it for you?

One of the goats: Ohhhhh!!! As a matter of fact, she did! Ja, and she did a very good job! She's a talented braider, and I am very proud of her!

(The troll grows even bigger and laughs, his voice deepens in pitch. He slams the goats away and kickes the spiked door open, breaking it. He begins climbing up the mountain to level 3)

Troll: Hurdy, gurdy, hurdy! Hurdy, gurdy, hurdy! (keeps laughing)

(Cut back to the great hall, Wander is using a knife to scrape the bark off a thick stick)

Sylvia: Hey buddy boy, you know what would be awesome? If you HELP ME OUT HERE!!!

Wander: I am helping. (rubs a twig between his teeth) Boy, those peanuts sure know how to get stuck in there. (Makes sucking noises)

(Sylvia snorts)

(Cut to the goats with axes running down level 3 to the troll, he slams five goats away and laughs)

Troll: Hey! Why you gotta be so stupid?

One of the goats: (Screams) I have above-average intelligence!

Troll: (grows bigger) Thank you... (squishes the goat and picks him up) Out of the way, baldy!

Goat: It's normal for my age!

(The troll grows even bigger)

Troll: Hey, Cashmere, I totally forgot how lame your cape is!

Prince Cashmere: How...DARE you! My dear, sweet, Nana Ba-Ba made this for me!!

(He yells and begins to kick the troll, but the troll flicks him back to the pile of fainted goats. He grows even bigger and laughs)

(Cut back to the great hall where the still lounging Wander is taking a nap)

Sylvia: Hey, Lazy, I'm thinking of a word! It starts with an H, and it rhymes with ' HELLLLLP! '

Wander: (Stretches and yawns) I am helping!

Sylvia: (rolling her eyes) Oh, I don't have time for this. (Cut to outside, she leaps from the ledge) CASHMERE, I'M COMING!

(Pause, point of view shot from Sylvia at the troll, who opens his mouth. Brief shot of Sylvia's widened eyes and shift to side view as she flies into the troll's mouth. He chews, then spits her out, covering her in green troll saliva. Close-up on her)

Sylvia: I immediately regret that decision. (faints)

(The troll inhales deeply and blows out the fire, then barges through the level 3 door. He begins climbing up towards the final level where the great hall is)

(Cut to inside the great hall; the troll barges the door down and squeezes his way in, breaking down some wall in the process. He manages to squeeze the excess wall around his body off)

Troll: (sees the hanging food) Score! Looks like this guy's gonna get his food sack on after all! (starts jumping for the food)

Sylvia: (runs to the broken doorway) Wander! Wake up! The food sack!

Troll: Huh? Huh? Huh?! (looks around, notices Wander sleeping and points at him) You! Hey, ya dumb yokel! I'm talking to you!

(Wander opens his eyes and sits up, angrily holding a log)

Troll: Huh?

(Wander tosses the log over his head into the fire, then goes back to sleep)

Troll: Hmm. You look like a hairy spoon!

Wander: (yawns)

Troll: Uh...your shoes are outta style! (pauses, growls) That – that's the stupidest hat I've ever seen!?

(Wander pulls his hat down over his eyes, the troll begins to shrink)

Troll: (back to his regular voice) What the –

Sylvia: (blinks twice) Ding!

(The troll tries jumping for the food again, zoom out to reveal a surprised Prince Cashmere)

Prince Cashmere: The troll has be shrunken! (at his army) The sack of Thuringian is safe at last!

(The goats cheer)

One of the goats: Thank goodness!

Prince Cashmere: Now, let us proceed to stomp upon him!

(They bleat and charge)

(Shift back inside the great hall)

Troll: Oh, look. Just what I needed. (the goats plow into him) Your mom is ugly!

One of the goats: You are such a meanie!

Troll: Your dad is ugly!

Goat: Uh-uh!

Troll: Your Great-Aunt Twice Removed is uglyyyy!

Another goat: Wash your mouth out with soap!

(The troll laughs and grows back to gigantic size)

Prince Cashmere: (looks at a sleeping Wander and Sylvia) My friends? (close up of them) Why do you stand idly by? Nay! Nay! Lying idly by, wence the invader threatens to destroy my people! We cannot once again afford, to feed this monster! (sobs)

Wander: Then stop feedin' him.

Prince Cashmere: But that's what we're trying to do!

Sylvia: (whispers) Dude, just ignore the guy. You getting all upset just makes him stronger.

Wander: Uh, yeah. Don't...feed...

Prince Cashmere: The troll!

(The troll grows even bigger and prepares to reach the sack)

Troll: (deep voice) Just give me one more, you dum-dums!

Prince Cashmere: Noooooo!!! Give! Him! None! Don't you see, my friends? We are – proud, and brave, and strong. We are – good people, with good hearts, and we are all – beautiful on the inside. We know this to be. So, why should we care, what this sad, patetic pitiful creature, thinks of us?!

Troll: You believe that's schmaltzy garbage? What a bunch of wusses!

(A bunch of goats fold their arms, the troll begins to shrink)

Troll: (back to normal voice) And – and babies! Yeah, you're sappy-wappy babies!

(More goats fold their arms and turn their heads, the troll shrinks more)

Troll: Your armor could use a polish? (More goats ignore, he shrinks more) Your hair is kinda messy? (They turn their backs, voice rising in pitch) You're two inches too short! (A goat turns his back, overview of him shrinking from the camera) Your mama wears – COMBAT BOOOOOOOOOOOTS!!!

(The troll shrinks completely, the goats cheer, Prince Cashmere holds Wander and Sylvia on his shoulders)

Prince Cashmere: (chuckles) Yay, us! (hugs them tightly)

(Scene crossfades to a banner two of the goats ,clad only in their underwear, are knitting with their wool, it shows Prince Cashmere with Wander and Sylvia, in the center stands the troll. Pan downwards to show Prince Cashmere, Wander, Sylvia and the goats enjoying the food and laughing and chatting together. Pan downwards more to show the troll, now no bigger than the size of a walnut. His voice is now high-pitched)

Troll: Hey! You're all wimps! With tiny muscles! Yeah, you're weak, and your food is terrible! I didn't even want it anyway! Hey!! Pay attention to meeeee!!! Hmm?

(Zoom out to reveal Wander, he puts a goblet over the troll)

Troll: Ohh!

(Cut to black)