Let's Go Fly a Coot

♪ The Simpsons 26x20 ♪ Let's Go Fly a Coot Original Air Date on May 3, 2015

(crow caws)

D'oh!

(tires screeching)

(grunting)

(squeaking)

(belches)

(electrical crackling)

Lewis, my man.

Present table's over there.

(barking)

Make sure you hit the Squishee station.

They mixed up a custom flavor just for me!

(kids chattering playfully, laughing)

These kids' birthday parties have gotten out of control.

How can a normal family compete?

They rented chairs.

The kind with puffy seats!

And check out this gift bag.

Full-size candy bars, hummingbird in a plastic bag, a CD of The Gay Men's Chorus of Springfield singing "Happy Birthday, Milhouse."

Dad, I want self-driving mini-cars at my next birthday!

To the petting zoo!

That would cost a fortune!

Who do you think I am, a professional bowler?

It's worth it to see my son as spoiled and ungrateful as the richest brat in town.

Dad, you were supposed to cut this cheese in the shape of Pokémon characters.

You said you wanted Disney's Muppets!

That was the meeting before the last meeting!

(grunts)

(sighs)

This birthday party arms race is unsustainable.

Unless... the sanest man in town declared war on these parties in a last best attempt to bring things back to normal.

I will secretly destroy these children's birthdays, or die trying.

Two of... several animals!

Looks like it's time to build me an ark.

Rice cakes?!

I pronounce this party dead.

Nurse, note the time.

(chuckles)

(tires squeak)

(humming, singing)

Time to make 50 bucks.

♪ Yah-dah, dah-dat... ♪

Ooh!

(children shrieking, gasping)

Look at that.

Let's see what else is in the noose.

(laughing like Krusty)

I was the last kid on Earth who liked clowns.

(humming)

Homer Simpson, do you know anything about these epic birthday fails?

(high-pitched voice); Just what I read in the papers.

You did suck the helium out of all these balloons!

(high-pitched voice): All right, Marge, maybe I did cut the strings on a few party hats, but when I was a kid, a birthday party was nothing more than a supermarket cake and sticking pins in a donkey's butt.

(clears throat)

(normal voice): And we looked forward to it for one whole year.

And the gift bag was...

You didn't need a frickin' gift bag, because you just went to a frickin' party!

You have a point.

But when the bounce house renters and the pony ride operators find out what you've done...

Mm....

(scoffs) I'm not afraid of Big Birthday.

(shrieks) Big Birthday!

You have meddled with the primal forces of nurture, Mr. Simpson, and I won't have it!

Do you think you just stopped a few lavish parties?

Oh, no, sir.

There is simply one endless birthday celebration where everyone gets a gift bag and no parent gets off easy.

Do you think this country makes cars anymore?

Do you think we smelt steel?

No. The only thing we do is throw elaborate children's cotillions with enormous inedible cakes out from whence Yale graduates pop!

All (groaning): Eh.

Mr. Simpson, the very fabric of our existence is birthdays!

The quarks and bosons of your soul?

Birthdays!

You have tried to unwind the world, and you... will... atone!

Sorry.

You will be sorry.

We are officially blacklisting you, my friend.

Your children will never have a balloon animal maker or customized cake again!

(both gasping)

No!

No!

(crying): No-oh-oh-oh!

I don't want to live.

Not their birthdays!

Take Easter!

Easter's nothing.

Geez, kids, I guess you've had your last birthday.

You're gonna stay your current ages for the rest of your lives.

Please.

I'll do anything.

All right.

The next birthday that comes up in this town is, uh, Rod Flanders, and you have to throw him a party.

(groans): Oh.

Um, how bad do you kids want birthdays?

Dad!

How bad do you want to sleep in Saturdays?

(banging loudly)

Hey, hey, hey, I was just kidding around.

You know that. I was just...

You have a deal.

Let me make this clear.

This event has to be magical.

You mean, hire a magician?

No, no, no. Magical.

Magical events change people's lives forever.

(plane sputtering)

Welcome to Rod Flanders' birthday party.

I'm your host Homer Simpson, and I can't take it anymore!

Stupid golden age of flight!

Mmm. I love you, mean neighbor!

Man (over P.A.): Attention partygoers!

Prepare for the arrival of our guest of honor... Lulu!

This majestic B-17 has been lovingly restored by the same World War Two veterans who see her every night in their horrible flashbacks.

Thanks for coming out and...

Abe Simpson?!

That's Mach Ridley, my old Air Force buddy!

You said you were in the Army.

You said you were in the Navy.

That's the kind of mix-up that used to happen when I was in the Marines.

So, what brings you boys to Springfield?

Uh, we just want to make sure kids have a chance to meet one of the lovely ladies that brought freedom to the world.

Why are planes and boats always women?

Because they require a lot of upkeep and a firm hand at the controls.

I knew there'd be a sexist joke behind it.

I knew it!

Abe, can you join us for a drink?

I'm sorry, guys.

My dad can't handle that much excitement.

Please, son. I want to gab about the days when nurses kissed ya instead of beating ya.

Now, Dad, memory lane's not what it used to be.

If you hang out with your old buddies, it'll remind you of when you were a proud stallion instead of a broken-down nag.

(neighs sadly)

(sputters)

That's the lack of spirit.

(whimpering)

Look at how he treats his own father.

Like we used to treat P.O.W.s when the Red Cross wasn't looking.

(laughter)

Boys, I think we have one last mission.

(mechanical whirring)

Make a wish, Roddy.

I'll never grow up and marry Daddy!

(laughter)

(Dutch accent): Very amusing.

Whoa!

I've seen all I need to see.

But just in case, the face.

Milhouse: Oh!

May I chuckle in Dutch? (chuckles)

Bart, meet my cousin from the Netherlands, Annika.

Isn't she gorgeous?

(laughs)

Whoa! You smoke?

It's an e-cigarette.

Care to vape?

Don't you want to be one of the cool kinderen?

(inhaling)

(coughing)

(coughing, gasping)

(snorts)

Refreshing.

(knocking)

Hey, look at you guys, still not dead.

Good for you.

Mister, we're gonna pound your thick skull till you treat your father with the kindness every human being deserves.

(scoffs) Do your worst, you old goats.

This won't be a tropical vacation like lwo Jima.

It's you and me, Blubber McGee.

Ha! (muttering)

(muttering) Oh.

(grunting)

(laughs)

(panting)

(grunts)

You done girly punching?

Yes.

(laughs) Once again, I win at Sjoelbak.

Everybody's got one gift.

Mine is portable indoor Dutch shuffleboard.

(humming)

Bart, I'm out of cartridges.

Be my little almond cookie and run down to the Kwik-E-Mart.

Hup, hup.

You can kiss me.

(squeaking)

Oh, that felt so good.

Now you know what nuzzling me would be like.

Now not so good.

(whistling)

Five packs of e-cigs, Apu.

E-cigs?

Although legal for children in this state, you are asking for a nicotine delivery device that could quite possibly leave you breathing through a hole in your neck.

Eat your spinach, Bart.

Electronic Voice: Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ay carumba!

Cool! I was just doing this for a girl, but give me two more packs for myself.

Oh, you have the right, but remember, this is not kid stuff.

Now, would you like bubblegum flavor, strawberry shortcake or watermelon dream?

Homer, you're late!

In the Air Force, when we showed up late, people died.

When we showed up on time, other people died.

The right people.

Homer J. Simpson, if I wasn't wearing my smiling teeth, I'd look very angry.

Hangar those choppers, airman.

Now, the best way to get to know each other is to share a rugged outdoor activity. Suggestions?

Both: Movie.

Well, we could walk to the theater.

Both: Drive.

Well, at least we can walk to a seat at the top.

Handicap seat.

Companion chair. (groans)

Homer: Ooh, previews!

♪ ♪

Trailer Announcer: In a dystopian future...

Finally! A movie about a dystopian future, unlike The Hunger Games, Edge of Tomorrow, Oblivion, Elysium, Snow Piercer, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Enders Game...

The Road, World War Z, Children of Men, After Earth, I Am Legend, Mad Max: Fury Road, The Maze Runner, District Nine, The Purge, Looper, Cloud Atlas, Divergent, Insurgent, The lsland, Mr. Burns: A Post-Electric Play, and Chappie.

(both shudder)

Sir, the movie's been over for 20 minutes.

You'll have to clear out of the theater and come back for the next show.

D'oh!

So, you are the best America could send to stop Sheik Abu Nadal Abdul Nabal Nabu Dubal Nabadul Kashik?

I'd like to request a hip replacement: yours.

I was a fool to fight America.

(screams)

Homer, take me to the bathroom.

What? Are you crazy?

If you love your father, you'll make sure he doesn't get disoriented trying to work the knob-less faucet.

I'm too cold to trigger the infrared.

(groans)

(explosions, gunshots over speakers)

(whistling tune)

You were in there for 25 minutes!

I thought the mirror was another movie.

You made me miss the denouement!

Homer, I think it's time I showed you something.

I get it.

You brought me here to show me how much Grampa went through for people like me.

No, we brought you here 'cause we're gonna set you straight once and for all.

I think I just went W.W. Two.

All right, all right.

I love my father.

And if that makes me less of a man, so be it.

(awkward noises)

(affectionate noises)

Dad, I apologize.

I only say this at gunpoint, but it's true: I love you.

Oh.

But it's been a long night...

I did not say "at ease."

(whimpers)

Fear-- that's how we, the greatest generation, raised you, the worst generation.

My turn!

(laughing)

God, I love spijkerpoepen.

Annika, you've introduced me to a whole new world of butt games.

And you've introduced me to a world of un-milled wind, a game called "baseball" that is neither fun nor fittening, and private-use bicycles.

Still, you are small and cute like Lichtenstein.

Now vape up.

Marge (gasping): Bart Simpson!

(coughing)

It's still legal in this state!

The bill's stuck in committee.

God, you just can't protect your kids enough.

(worried groan)

Mmm.

Sharing a beer.

Just like we did after your first merit badge.

Ah, yes, basketry.

Aw...

Aw...

I still have what I made.

D'oh!

Bart's smoking!

(gasps)

E-cigarettes!

Oh, those are totally legal.

Tell me, does he like bubblegum or strawberry?

He doesn't even want to.

He's doing it to impress a girl.

They're sending Annika back to Holland!

She was just about to teach me to Dutch kiss.

Stuck on a girl, eh?

I know a story that'll fix you right up.

It was the 1950s...

suitcases were hard, mid-century architecture had indoor-outdoor flow and the world was our garbage basket.

Nature will take it.

(humming)

Grampa: Mach was a test pilot and I had a crucial job, too: keeping desert turtles off the runway.

Shoo! Shoo, now!

Just pick them up!

Uh... they feel weird.

Grampa: At night, we cooled off at the local watering hole, where they gave you a free steak dinner if'n you set a new speed record and lived.

If you died, your widow got surf and turf.

Meanwhile, I was trying to make time with the only cocktail waitress on a base full of heroes.

We called her "Sunny"

'cause she was bright and yellow.

And if you got too close, you got burned?

Who's telling this story, you or me?!

I hope it's you.

Okay, well, I would imagine as you were flirting with Sunny, Mach came up.

Uh-huh, go on.

And asked her to dance?

Ooh, I did not see that coming!

♪ ♪

Grampa: Mach was scheduled to test-fly a new fighter plane.

And then I heard something I shouldn't have.

Colonel, with all due respect, that new jet is a deathtrap.

It's the 1950s.

Everything's a deathtrap.

Now have three martinis, a pack of smokes, and get in that plane.

Grampa: I'm not quite sure why I did what I did next.

Did I want Sunny to see me in a different light?

Or had they tested a little too much LSD on me the night before without me knowing it?

Abraham Simpson, you damn fool!

When did you learn how to fly?

When you're in the Air Force for ten years, you learn a few things.

Ah! What the hell just happened?

(laughing)

Grampa: It was as if I could see the face of God.

(engine sputtering)

Oh, boy.

At 50,000 feet, amazing things happen.

The frigid air forms a beautiful rainbow of ice crystals in your lungs.

D'oh!

Luckily, my frozen hand on the stick was exactly what that plane needed.

That day, I broke the sound barrier and then some.

Oh! My highball glasses.

Grampa: I headed back to tell the base there wasn't one damn thing wrong with that plane.

This is gonna take some fancy flyin'.

(grunting)

I hitched a ride back to the base with a young feller who was hoping to be a writer.

Thanks for the ride, Jack Kerouac.

Could you please mail this polished final draft of my novel to my publisher?

And here's my rambling, repetitive first draft.

Promise me you'll destroy it, so no one will ever read this total gibberish.

Grampa: (laughs) Boy, was he mad when he read that book.

Started drinking like a fish.

I was about to reel one in.

So, you want to marry a glamorous flyboy?

Or the dummy who tried to save him?

I'm a sucker for reckless nitwits.

Aw, Mona.

Shut up and kiss me.

Seriously, I'm already tired of your voice.

Mona?

Sunny is Mona Simpson?

Homer's mother?

Gee, she wasn't too sunny when I knew her.

Although she really cheered up after she left you forever.

That's the point!

If you make a grand gesture, you can get any girl you want, even if she's completely wrong for you.

But it won't last if you're pretending to be someone you're not.

I see.

I've got to make a grand gesture.

And her flight boards in 38 minutes.

And KLM is never late!

(frustrated grunt)

He didn't get a single word.

You got the point, didn't you, son?

Um, you used to work with turtles?

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

I used to work with turtles.

♪ ♪

(buzzes)

Annika! Wait!

Before you leave--

I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try to tell you how I feel.

A grand gesture.

How American.

I don't actually like you.

You're only pleasant when you want something.

You've been in this country three weeks and you hated everything.

That's not true.

I liked that there were new things here to complain about.

Well, I'm really relieved you're leaving.

And take these poison pen lights with you!

(shrieking, clamoring)

Oh, thank God!

I'm so tired of breathing clean air!

(speaks Dutch)

Rejected by a friend of Milhouse.

I will change into the striped leggings of shame.

(speaking Dutch)

If it's the blue hair and the schnozz you're digging, I've got plenty more cousins.

Thanks, Milhouse.

I think I'm gonna steer clear of Van Houtens for a while.

More for me.

Marrying a cousin worked out great for my parents.

Storm's a-comin'.

Homer, it's time for us to go.

We've got an air show in Reno, where the silver-haired foxes are as common as Frisbees on the Jersey shore.

Come on, Dad.

In honor of that record you broke, I'm gonna cook you the thickest steak of your life.

Thank you, son.

But the days when I can eat a steak are long gone.

I wouldn't be so sure.

(laughs)

No. Still too tough.

Aw, that's the best steak I ever breathed.

I'm full.

(Annika speaking Dutch)

Shh!