Taming of the Screwy

IT WAS A CHICKEN, I TELL YOU. DR. SCRATCHANSNIFF! DO YOU KNOW WHAT KEEPS THIS STUDIO RUNNING? UHYOUR BRILLIAN LEADERSHIP, T. P. ? I MEAN BESIDES THAT. WHAT KEEPS THIS PLACE GOING? MEL GIBSON MOVIES? YES, SCRATCHANSNIFF! HOW DO WE PAY FOR THEM? WITH MONEY. MONEY! AND WE NEED MORE. WITH THAT IN MIND, I'VE INVITED SOME POWERFUL FOREIGN INVESTORS TO COME HERE TOMORROW. THEY'RE PREPARED TO GIVE US ONE BILL-- ONE BILL-- ONE BILLION DOLLARS! YOU KNOW WHA THAT MEANS? THAT'S A ONE WITH LOTS OF ZEROS AFTER IT. NO! IT MEANS TOMORROW IS THE STUDIO'S MOST IMPORTANT DAY! I'M THROWING A GALA BANQUE ON SOUND STAGE 10. EVERY HOLLYWOOD STAR WILL BE THERE. THE INVESTORS GE ROYAL TREATMENT, AND WE'LL GET THE CHECK IFIT GOES SMOOTHLY! THERE'S JUST ONE CATCH. BEFORE THEY INVEST, THEY WANT TO MEE EVERYONE WHO WORKS HERE, INCLUDING YOU OOH, THAT'S NICE! I LIKE A PARTY. AND INCLUDING THE WARNER BROS. HI, T. P. ! AND THE WARNER SISTER. NO, T. P. ! DON'T LE THE INVESTORS MEET THEM! THEY'RE OU OF CONTROL! THEY'RE-- YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. YOU'RE THE STUDIO PSYCHIATRIST. YOU HAVE 24 HOURS, SCRATCHANSNIFF, TO TEACH THEM SOME MANNERS. I CAN'T HAVE THOSE-- THOSE--WHAT ARE THEY? I DON'T KNOW. WELL, I CAN'T HAVE THEM RUINING THIS BANQUET! UNDERSTAND? ALL RIGHT. I'LL TRY. TRYING IS NO GOOD ENOUGH, SCRATCHANSNIFF. DO IT! UH! ARGH! OH! OOF! GRRR! BRING ME THE WARNER BROS. WISH ME LUCK, SIGGY. [STRAINING SOUNDS] HELLO DOCTOR SCRATCHANSNIFF HE ASKS A LOT OF QUESTIONS TO FIND OU WHAT WE THINK HE'S DR. SCRATCHANSNIFF, THE STUDIO SHRINK HE SAYS HOW DO YOU FEEL? WE SAY, WITH OUR HANDS HOW DO YOU STAY TOGETHER? WE USE RUBBER BANDS I WANT TO KNOW YOUR PSYCHE. THERE'S TWO INSIDE OUR SKULL NOW, WHA WOULD YOU CALL THAT? A BI-PSYCHE-SKULL HE KNOWS OUR MOTIVATIONS THAT'S WHA HE'D LIKE TO THINK HE'S DR. SCRATCHANSNIFF, THE STUDIO SHRINK [CRASH] STOP THAT! STOP! DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE? NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHY, DOC, ALTHOUGH SCHOPENHAUER HAD A THEORY-- THAT'S NO WHAT I MEANT! WHY'D YA SAY IT? YOU'RE MISINTERPRETING! NO, THIS IS MISS INTERPRETING. THIS IS MISS UNDERSTANDING. AND I'M MISS-TERIOUS. OOH, A GIAN PEZ DISPENSER. WANT ONE? STOP PLAYING WITH MY BUST! GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. BE QUIET! I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU. STORY TIME! GET TO THE SCARY PART. WHAT SCARY PART? THE PART WITH MY PET. ARGGH! AAH! YA, YA, YOUR PET. O. K. GOOD PET, HEH HEH. NOW LISTEN, THE STUDIO'S GIVING A BIG PARTY FOR SOME INVESTORS WITH MOVIE STARS AND EVERYTHING AND YOU HAVE BEEN INVITED. MOVIE STARS? MICHELLE PFEIFFER! MEL GIBSON! DON KNOTTS! PLEASE! THERE'S ALSO SOME BAD NEWS. BEA ARTHUR'S PUTTING OU A SWIMSUIT CALENDAR? SHE IS? NO! THE BAD NEWS IS, YOU CAN ONLY GO IF TRAINED TO BE POLITE, CLEAN, WELL-DRESSED CHILDREN ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR. I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS A PARTY. WELL, YES OR NO? [MUMBLING] WELL, WHAT DID YOU DECIDE? [MUMBLING] YES OR NO? YES! YOU GOT A DEAL. LET THE TRAINING BEGIN! KEEP YOUR GUARD UP! RIGHT! RIGHT! AHH, YOU'RE A WRECKING MACHINE! EEEE! I GOT A HEADACHE THIS BIG. AND NOW, MY LITTLE FRIENDS, WE SHALL BEGIN TRAINING YOU FOR THE PARTY. OH, MISS NURSE? WILL YOU COME IN? HELLO, NURSE! BOYS. GO FIG. SHE'S GOING TO ASSIST ME IN YOUR LESSONS ON ETIQUETTE. START WITH THE RECEIVING LINE. NO! THAT'S A CONGA LINE! NICE TO KNOW YOU'RE UP ON YOUR DANCE STEPS. ARGH! GRRR! NOW, IN A RECEIVING LINE, IF I INTRODUCED HER, WHAT WOULD BE THE PROPER GREETING? HELLO, NURSE! NO, NO! A PROPER GREETING LIKE THIS-- HOW DO YOU DO? NOW, YAKKO, YOU TRY. HOW DO YOU DO THAT THING WITH YOUR MOUTH? TAKE ME AWAY BUT BE GENTLE. I'M FRAGILE. IT'S IMPOLITE TO BE THAT PERSONAL. WAKKO? I DISAGREE! NO! I WANT YOU TO GREET THE LADY. HELLO, NURSE! NO, NO, NO. HOW DO YOU DO? FINE, THANKS. EEE! DOT, WOULD YOU CARE TO TRY IT? BUT MAKE A LITTLE CURTSY. THANKS, BUT I DID BEFORE I LEFT HOME. NO, A CURTSY. MAKE A LITTLE CURTSY. HA HA HA HA! MAKE A LITTLE CURTSY A CURTSY! A LITTLE CURTSY. HA HA HA HA! STOP IT! STOP THAT! I'M NOT HERE TO AMUSE YOU. THEN, PLEASE, STOP BEING SO FUNNY. NOW, DOT, PLEASE GIVE IT A TRY. HOW DO YOU DO? TEE-HEE. CURTSY LAUGH. OHH! LET'S MOVE ON. AND LIFT! COMING THROUGH! UH, WHERE DO YOU WAN THE COUCH, MAC? [SIGH] WE'LL WORK ON OUR DICTION. HOW DO WE AVOID BAD ELOCUTION? STAY INSIDE DURING A THUNDERSTORM. NO, NO. ELOCUTION-- DICTION, PRONUNCIATION. WE'LL WORK ON OUR VOWEL SOUNDS. LET'S PRONOUNCE THIS. A-E-I-O-U. AEIOU. AAEEOOO. NO, NO! I WANT THE LETTERS! THE LETTERS! SCRATCHANSNIFF, SCRATCHANSNIFF, SCRATCHANSNIFF. HEY! DR. OTTO SCRATCHANSNIFF, YOU MAY HAVE WON $10 MILLION! ARE YOU MARRIED? NO, NO, NO! WITH A TEMPER LIKE THAT, IT'S NO WONDER. STOP! HALTENZIE! GET--NO! IN YOUR SEATS! IF YOU WANT TO GO, YOU MUST STOP THE GAGS! OH, ALL RIGHT. [SIGH] LET'S PLUNGE AHEAD. O. K. ! [WAKKO] CANNONBALL! AAH! WHEN IT'S TIME TO EAT, TABLE MANNERS ARE OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE. I WANT YOU TO SIT UP. ARF! WE CAN ALSO PLAY DEAD. GET UP! GET UP! WHAT, WITHOUT A TREAT? YES! SHAMU WOULDN'T WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS. BUT SHAMU DOESN'T WAN TO GO TO THE PARTY! WAS SHE INVITED? ARGH! HELLO, FRENCH NURSE! NEVER MIND. NOW, WE'LL EA A PRACTICE MEAL. I'LL CORRECT YOU AS WE GO ALONG. BEGIN. [SLURPING] DON'T USE YOUR HANDS! USE THE PROPER TOOLS! STOP THAT! SIT DOWN! DO YOU WAN TO GO OR NOT? YES. AAH! FINE. NOW THEN, YOU HAVE A SALAD FORK, DINNER FORK, BUTTER KNIFE, WATER GLASS, SOUP SPOON, DINNER KNIFE, FISH KNIFE, OYSTER FORK, DESSERT SPOON, NAPKIN, FINGER BOWL, DINNER SPOON, SALAD KNIFE, BREAD PLATE. GOT IT? I CAN BEAT IT-- FULL HOUSE. OHH! YOU'RE NO PAYING ATTENTION! YOU DIDN'T HEAR ANY OF THAT! YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ANYTHING! WELL, SURE WE ARE, DOC. LET'S REVIEW, SHALL WE? WHEN YOU WALK INTO A PARTY IT'S A FORMAL UNIVERSE YA! SO YOU JUMP UP ON YOUR HOST AND WITH A KISS SAY HELLO, NURSE NO! REMEMBER THA GOOD DICTION REFLECTS SO WELL ON YOU YA! SO PRACTICE ALL YOUR VOWEL SOUNDS BY SAYING AEIOUUU NO! TO USE THE RIGHT UTENSILS ONE OF ETIQUETTE'S DEMANDS SO WE RECOMMEND YOU THROW THEM OUT AND EAT WITH YOUR HANDS A SALAD FORK, A DINNER FORK A BUTTER KNIFE, A WATER GLASS A SOUP SPOON, A DINNER KNIFE A FORK FOR EATING PICKLED BASS AN OYSTER FORK, DESSERT SPOON A NAPKIN AND A FINGER BOWL A DINNER SPOON, A SALAD KNIFE A BREAD PLATE FOR YOUR DINNER ROLL WE'VE HEARD THE RULES YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MAKE THAT SOCIAL CLIMB BUT WE'D RATHER SPEND OUR ENERGY ON HAVING A GOOD TIME NO, NO, NO! I GIVE UP! IT CAN'T BE DONE. KAPUTSKI! YOU'RE NO GOING TO THE PARTY. NOT GOING TO THE PARTY? WHY? WHY? WHY? BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE POLITE, SPEAK CORRECTLY, OR SAY, HOW DO YOU DO! OH, THAT. YOU MEAN LIKE THIS? HOW DO YOU DO? YOU--YOU CAN DO THAT? SURE! THEN WHY DO YOU GIVE ME A HARD TIME? 'CAUSE WE LOVE YA! HEH! WELL, THEN LET'S PARTY! WE'RE A THE WARNER BROS. LO FOR A FANTABULOUS GALA EVEN AS THE STUDIO WOOS SOME NEW INVESTORS. RUMOR IS THE STAKES ARE HIGH WITH $1 BILLION ON THE LINE. LET'S MEE THE ARRIVING STARS. OOF! UH, I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT THIS IS A BLACK TIE AFFAIR. FINALLY, WE LANDED. [ANNOUNCER] THERE'S THADDEUS PLOTZ WITH HIS FOREIGN INVESTORS NOW. PLEASE TELL OUR HONORED NEW INVESTORS THIS PARTY IS OUR WAY OF SAYING WELCOME AND HEH HEH HEH [WESTERN ACCENT] YOU'RE A-O. K. , PARTNER! HA HA HA HA. YOKO SO, SOSHITE ANAT. WA A-O. K. , PARTNER. HEH HEH HEH. AHEM. DR. SCRATCHANSNIFF IS ARRIVING WITH THE WARNER BROS. PLEASE, LET THOSE KIDS BEHAVE. I WANT MY MONEY. MR. CHAIRMAN, MAY I PRESENT THE WARNER BROS. ! ADDENDUM-- THE WARNER SISTER. HOW DO YOU DO? GOKIGEN IKAGA DESUKA? TOKYO WA TOTEMO OMOSHIROI TOKORO DESU NE. ZEHI IRASHITE KUDASAI. MADA IKI BASHO GA AREBA NE. HOW ABOUT A SMILE? PLEASE, BABY, PLEASE, BABY, PLEASE. I'M PUTTING OU A SWIMSUIT CALENDAR. NOT WHILE I'M EATING! GOOD WORK, SCRATCHANSNIFF! I'M AMAZED! YOU DID IT. THE WARNERS BEHAVED! NOW GET THEM OUT OF HERE. WHAT? BUT THEY DID THEIR PART! I WANT THEM OUT! I DON'T HAVE THAT CHECK YET. GET THEM OUT! WELL, KIDS, THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ONE NIGHT, EH? HUH? I DON'T WANT YOU GETTING OVERTIRED. IT'S GETTING LATE. IT'S OFF TO BED WITH YOU. COME ALONG. LET'S GO NIGHTY NIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YEAH. I'M SORRY. THE CHAIRMAN SAID YOU HAD TO LEAVE. BUT WE BEHAVED! YA, I KNOW, AND I'M SORRY. GO ON UP. GO ON NOW. NO DINNER WITH MEL GIBSON? NO DANCING WITH MICHELLE PFEIFFER? NO CHITCHA WITH DON KNOTTS? I KNOW WHEN WE'RE NOT WANTED. I KNOW WHEN WE SHOULD GO HOME! NOW IS NO ONE OF THOSE TIMES. UH, SOME PARTY, HUH? YOI PAATY DESUNE? TO ITEMASU. HEH HEH HOW DO YOU OPEN THIS THING? I'M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS. HEY, YOU WANT THIS? O. K., O. K. , O. K. , O. K. , O. K. HELLO, MR. LETHAL WEAPON! DID YOU MISS ME? LOVE YOUR HAIRDO. COULDN'T MOE AND LARRY MAKE IT? JUST KIDDING. DO YOU HAVE A FRIEND FOR MY BROTHER HERE? YOU'VE GOT A NASTY DROOLING PROBLEM! ARGH! NOT BAD. BUT I'VE GOT BETTER. OH, MONSTER! [WHIMPERS] ASOKO NIWARNER BROS. GA IRU. THE WARNERS? WHERE'S SCRATCHANSNIFF? I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE THE BATMOBILE. I JUST WANT TO SIT IN IT. I TOLD YOU TO SEND THOSE KIDS HOME! B-BUT I DID! WELL, THEY'RE BACK! YOU'D BETTER HELP ME CATCH THEM! THEY'LL RUIN EVERYTHING! OHH! SLAPPY, DID I SHOW YOU THIS? SAVE IT FOR THE JACK LALANE STORY, BUBULA. YOU KNOW, YOU REMIND ME OF A VERY MATURE JOHNNY QUEST. HELLO, KITTY! WHO ARE YOU? WE'RE THE WARNER BROS. ! LIKE THE STUDIO? NOT VERY MUCH. DID YOU KNOW THERE'S A THING IN YOUR MILK? THERE THEY ARE! PUT ME ON YOUR DANCE CARD. IS THA BARRY MANILOW? THERE THEY ARE! TAKE OVER FOR US. NO WAY! NO WAY! WAY! WHO SAYS STUDIO PARTIES DON'T ROCK? LET'S SHINDIG, DARLING. OH--MY--THOSE-- THEY-- AAH! ANYBODY GOT ANY CHEESE? GRRR! GRRR! AAH! AAH! AAH! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! RUIN MY STUDIO, WILL YOU? YOU--YOU-- YOU WHATEVER YOU ARES! MR. KATO WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL OF THIS. IT WAS THEM! I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. THEY'RE RESPONSIBLE! WARNER BROS. NO SEKININ DESU. GREAT PARTY! GREAT PARTY! GREAT PARTY! GREAT PARTY! HA HA HA HA! GREAT PARTY? OHOH, OH, YES. UH, GREAT PARTY! WE LOVE THE WARNER BROS. ! AND HERE YOU GO. MR. KATO PRESENTS THE CHECK FOR $1 BILLION. YOU ARE A-O. K. , PARTNER! C'MON, YOU GUYS. WE'RE GOING TO PLAY TRUTH OR DARE. THERE'S A LESSON TO BE LEARNED IN THIS. YA? WHAT'S THAT? I HAVE NO IDEA, BUT IT'S WORTH A BILLION. THAT'S MY CHECK! GIVE ME THAT! GIVE ME THAT! THAT'S MINE! COME BACK HERE WITH MY MONEY! THAT'S MY CHECK!

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