The Great Indoors

(Scene opens up on what appears to be the backyard; paper doll versions of Phineas and Ferb are shown.)

Na, na, na

Phineas: (offscreen) Hey, Ferb. What'cha wanna do today?

(The paper doll Phineas falls over.)

Phineas: (offscreen) Oops! (his hand comes in to pick it up.) It's way to nice out to be lying down. (Zoom out; they are in the living room, it is raining outside.) At least...in here, it is.

(Knock on the door)

Phineas: Come in!

(Isabella, Ginger, and Holly enters the front door of the house looking sad, while Isabella shakes the rain drops off of her umbrella)

Isabella: (Sad voice) Hey Phineas. What'cha doin'?

Phineas: Oh, what's the matter?

Isabella: (Sighs) We were going to go for our desert trekking patch today, but now it's raining.

Phineas: Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today!

(Cut to Candace standing by the front door.)

Candace: You see, I know Jeremy likes me, but I don't know why he likes me. And if I find out what it is that he likes about me, I can make sure I don't change that about myself. Because what if I stop doing whatever he likes? And then he stops liking me because I'm not doing it anymore?

Linda: Well, maybe he just likes hearing you talk.

Candace: Huh?

Linda: Hey, where's Perry?

(Outside, it is still raining. Perry puts on his fedora and runs to the tree. He pulls a rope, which activates the slide door to his lair and water comes splashing out, soaking him. He wrings out his wet fedora, puts it back on, and goes down the slide)

(At the headquarters)

Major Monogram: It's not like Agent P to miss...

(Perry slides off the HQ chair, lands on the screen, and falls flat on his face. Major Monogram and Carl laughs hysterically)

Carl, play that back!

Carl: Right away, sir! (Presses play on the remote control and Perry slides on the video)

Major Monogram: (Laughs)

Carl: (Presses the slow motion button and Perry is in slow motion) Look sir, it's even funnier this way!

Major Monogram: (Laughs) Stop it, stop it. My cheeks hurt.

(Perry, not finding it amusing, folds his arms)

Major Monogram: Oh uh... (Clears throat) Grow up, Carl!

(Carl leaves the screen)

Major Monogram: Anyhow, as you probably noticed there's been an unusual amount of rain in the Tri-State Area. Call us crazy, but we're thinking Doofenshmirtz! Investigate, and stop him at all costs. Well, maybe at a reasonable cost. We, I mean, we don't want to blow the whole budget on this one scheme, do we?

(Perry goes to his hover car and zooms away)

Carl: Run it again, sir?

Major Monogram: I'll get the popcorn!

(In the backyard, Phineas and Ferb have just finished building the bio-dome.)

Isabella: Wow, that was fast!

Phineas: Well, nobody likes working in the rain. Let's get dry, ladies! (As Phineas, Ferb, and the Fireside Girls enter the bio-dome) This biosphere can simulate almost any environment. (Ferb pulls a lever, sand begins pouring out of the ceiling, a fake sun shines and the tiles on the inside of the biosphere turn sky blue.) Can we cook or can't we?

Isabella: You guys are the greatest! Okay, according to the Fireside Girl handbook, we can find water in cacti.

(The camera pans to a cactus. Isabella pulls a zipper, and the cactus is revealed to have just been fabric covering a water cooler.)

Now, don't make it too easy!

(In the house, Candace lets Jeremy in the front door)

Jeremy: Hi, Candace. What do you say to a little picnic? You know, indoors.

Candace: Neat!

Jeremy: We can't let a little rain put a damper on our-- wow! (Sees the biosphere, and Candace panics) I guess your brothers have been busy, huh? Oh, we should have our picnic in there!

Candace: Um, um... Excuse me! (Walks away from Jeremy to resolve her inner turmoil) Urge to bust so strong, but I need time with Jeremy to find out why he likes me! Gotta resist urge to bust! Must not spoil quality time with boyfriend! (Composes herself and returns to his side) Uh, picnic in the dangerous, unauthorized, and highly bust-worthy biosphere? Sounds great! (Giggles insincerely)

(Back with the desert trekkers, they're making progress on the patch.)

Isabella: So, we've gotten water from a cactus, witnessed a mirage, and learned the difference between sunstroke and heatstroke. Thanks for that, Adyson.

(Adyson, who looks slightly delirious, is being dragged by Katie and Ginger.)

Adyson: Hey... the salamanders quit singing... (Giggles)

Isabella: Now we just need to either collect a sand sample, measure the temperature, or milk a camel.

(A camel suddenly pops up out of the ground.)

Isabella: You guys!

(At Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, Perry flies his platypus air car to Doofenshmirtz's window. He leaps in, slips on a chair, and goes flying as Doofenshmirtz cackles. He lands in a hole in the floor right next to Doofenshmirtz, which is apparently his trap)

Doofenshmirtz: Wow, I set up this whole thing with lasers and flypaper, falling cages, spinning platforms, on the way to a trapdoor... (The camera pans across this devious contraption) And you just come and slip on a chair, and waste a day's worth of work. Eh. (As Perry emerges from the hole in the ground in a green glass tube) But it's gonna look great on the Christmas party gag reel, hehehe! Of course, it'll just be me at the party, uh...yeah. (Sighs) I need a laugh at the holidays. Anyway, gotcha! Go ahead, try to climb out of it.

(Perry does, and simply slips on the glass.)

Doofenshmirtz: (Laughs) It's greased! So, now that you're all comfy cozy I can introduce you to my Rain-inator! I've been using it to pour millions of gallons of water into these clouds, causing it to rain all over the Tri-State Area! I can't believe nobody's noticed it. It's kind of obvious.

(In the biosphere, the Fireside Girls have reached the opposite side)

Isabella: Yay! We made it across the desert! Say, Phineas, I don't suppose you could help us out with our Rainforest Navigation Patch?

Phineas: No problem, ladies. Ferb?

(Ferb pulls a switch out of the wall. He flips it.)

(Somewhere else in the biosphere, Jeremy and Candace are having their picnic.)

Jeremy: Well, this sure beats all that rain. Not too hot, are you?

(Candace, who has been laboriously fanning herself, immediately stops)

Candace: No, no, not at all! I mean, isn't that what you said you liked about me? That I don't "overheat"?

Jeremy: Heh, no. The thing I really like about you is...

(There is a sudden crash. Candace yelps. Apparently, Ferb has just flipped the switch to turn the desert into a rainforest, for trees shoot up out of the ground. A pipe shoots water out, beginning to create a river)

Jeremy: Wow, this is incredible!

Candace: Um, uh, what was that you were saying?

Jeremy: I said, This is incredible!

Candace: No, before that.

Jeremy: I said...wow!

(Candace groans and starts to walk away)

Candace: (In a shallow state of calm) Pardon.

Jeremy: Sure. Hmm...

(The Fireside Girls are looking at bugs on the ground. The river starts flowing right at them, and they all run for cover, excepting Adyson)

Adyson: Hey! I think I found a new species of -

(She is caught up in the current. Isabella, Phineas, and Ferb ride after her on a log, Isabella holding a lasso.)

Isabella: Here, Adyson! Catch this! (Throws the lasso) Swift Water Rescue Patch! Bonus!

(Back with the young lovers, Jeremy is testing out the large umbrella they had been sitting under as a boat)

Jeremy: Candace!

Candace: Yes?

Jeremy: Check it out. This umbrella makes a sweet raft. Wanna float down the river with me?

Candace: (still fighting between her two halves) Busting. Boyfriend. Busting. Boyfriend. Busting? Boyfriend! (Giggles) Coming!!!

(Doofenshmirtz is telling Perry his evil scheme for the day...)

Doofenshmirtz: So, I bet you're wondering why did I cause all this rain. You see, while perusing local garage sales, I came upon a big screen TV from 1985. (Removes the tarp covering it) But when I went to turn it on, it was stuck on the Spanish channel!

(Perry yawns and closes his eyes, clearly bored by Doofenshmirtz's explanation.)

Doofenshmirtz: All it played was crazy variety shows and Mexican soap operas. (Turns on the TV) I really got hooked on one of them, though: El Matador de Amor. (Sets up his armchair to watch the soap opera.) It has three simultaneous story lines that interconnect... Genius! Anyway, the last episode was a cliffhanger...

(Perry notices that Doofenshmirtz's drain pipe can fill his green glass tube with water, therefore letting him escape.)

Doofenshmirtz: ...in which Esmerelda is going to find out why Juan loves her. At least, I think that's what's going to happen... But the show got preempted by a soccer game! Oh, I hate soccer! It makes no sense whatsoever! The clock runs up instead of counting down, what is that?! (Removes popcorn from the microwave and sits down in his armchair.) So with the help of my Rain-inator I rained the game out.

(Camera pans to a soccer stadium full of screaming fans. It begins to rain and the fans boo.)

Doofenshmirtz: And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

(He turns on the TV, which is playing a commercial for an "esponja milagroso", or "miracle sponge".)

Spanish Man on TV: ''¡La Esponja Milagroso! Absorbes... (continues under)''

Doofenshmirtz: In 10 minutes, the show is gonna start, and with you trapped and the Rain-inator at work, nothing will interrupt me!

(Perry takes this opportunity to start moving the tube over towards Doofenshmirtz's drain pipe)

Doofenshmirtz: Hey, less pounding back there, okay? You're lucky I sprang for the clear tube, this way, you can watch too!

(In the biosphere, Candace and Jeremy are floating down the river in their umbrella boat.)

Jeremy: I mean, it's like your hair was genetically engineered to ensnare those giant fruit bats.

Candace: And you like that about me?

Jeremy: It's certainly interesting, but...it's not what I like about you.

Candace: What then?

Jeremy: Well, let me put it in a song.

(Song: "Set the Record Straight")

Jeremy: All throughout history men fall in love with women

You want to know why, well, let's start from the beginning

I've come to set the record straight (X2)

From scientific propagation of the species

To poets and philosophers, your Baudelaires and Nietzsches

I've come to set the record straight (X2)

But if you're asking for specifics

Well this isn't hieroglyphics

If you want to know sincerely

Listen up, I'll tell you clearly

What I like about you is...

Candace: So, you were saying?

Jeremy: Oh, yeah.

I've come to set the record straight

I see you still don't get it

But you really shouldn't sweat it

I'll say one more time with feeling

Here's the reason you're appealing

What I like about you is... (X3)

Jeremy: Hey, guys! Uh-oh, here comes the fun part!

(They fly off the edge of a huge waterfall)

Candace: Fun part?! Seriously?!

(The Fireside Girls have just finished another patch. Isabella sticks a flag in the ground)

Isabella: Jungle Navigation Patch: complete! Anybody up for a little rock-climbing?

(Camera pans to Ferb, who is standing next to a crank labeled "Mountain". He turns it and a mountain springs up out of the ground)

Phineas: Behold Mount Ferbius!

(A falling rock hits Adyson in the head)

Ferb: Sorry, Adyson.

Adyson: The salamanders are back...

Isabella: Who wants a Concussion First Aid Patch?

(Candace, Jeremy, and the umbrella land on a snowy part of the mountain)

Candace: Incoming!!!

Jeremy: (As he moves his arms and legs back and forth) Ha, hey, look, Candace, I'm making snow angels.

Candace: (Grumpily) I'm wet and I'm freezing cold.

Jeremy: Ah, it's not so bad. I mean, we're together, aren't we?

Candace: Well, yeah...

(As the Fireside Girls climb the mountain, Adyson kicks a boulder, inadvertently sending it towards Candace and Jeremy)

Jeremy: And being together like this makes me realize what I like about you.

Candace: (Excitedly) What? What???

(The boulder whistles as it falls, and Candace and Jeremy notice it)

Jeremy: What's that sound?

(The boulder lands about ten feet away from them)

Candace: That could've squished us! That's it! I am gonna bust them!

Jeremy: (As Candace stomps away angrily) Wait, Candace, look! It's just papier-mâché! (Lifts the boulder easily)

(The Fireside Girls reach the top of the mountain, and triumphantly stand together)

Isabella: Good job, everyone. I think we've earned our Rock Climbing Patches.

Phineas: (In a hang-glider) Congratulations, ladies. How do you feel about Non-Powered Flight Patches?

(They all fly off the top of the mountain as Candace reaches it. She threatens them from the edge of the cliff)

Candace: Hey, come back here! I'm gonna bust you two if it's the last thing I--

(The cliff crumbles from her body weight, and she falls. She is barely hanging on to a tiny little crevice in the rock and hyperventilating)

(Back with the soap opera...)

Spanish Man on TV: El Matador de Amor.

Doofenshmirtz: (As sappy guitar music plays in the background) It's starting! It's starting!!! Okay, now, Perry the Platypus, shhh.

(Camera pans to Perry, who has nearly filled his tube trap with water)

I don't want to miss anything.

Esmerelda: Oh, Juan...

Juan: Por lo Tanto su manada gemela, ha sido en Venenado...

(Doofenshmirtz munches on popcorn as he watches the show)

(Candace is still barely hanging on to the remaining part of the cliff)

Candace: (Screams) Help me!

Jeremy: Hold on, Candace, I'll save you!

(Jeremy jumps off the cliff, using the giant umbrella as a parachute. He grabs her just as she is about to fall)

I gotcha, Candace!

(They float down to the bottom and out of the biosphere, onto the front lawn)

Jeremy: Oh, man, I love this umbrella!

(Linda drives past them, presumably coming home from the grocery store)

Linda: Hey, kids!

Jeremy: You know, Candace, what I was trying to say back there is that...well, the thing I like about you is...

Candace: Wait! Hold that thought! I'll be right back. (She runs over to Linda in her usual fashion.) Mom! Mom! Backyard! Now! Biosphere!

(At Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc., Perry has finally managed to escape the tube at the climax of the season finale.)

Doofenshmirtz: (from inside) He's getting closer...he's looking into her eyes!

(Perry attaches a grappling hook to a passing airplane.)

He's opening his mouth!

(Perry ties the other end to the Rain-inator)'' '' He's forming his lips to start to articulate the syllables! Tell her, Juan! Tell her why you love her!!!

Juan: ''Es! La razón porque te amo (Repeat) La razón porque te amos es... es...''

(The airplane pulls the Rain-inator away, clearing the sky of the rain. The soccer fans cheer in the stadium.)

Es!

(The programming switches to the soccer game, right before a goal is to be scored.)

Sport Announcer:  ¡Ahi Van la Pelota!

Doofenshmirtz: What?! No!!!!!

(At the now-sunny Flynn-Fletcher residence, Candace goes to the backyard, back turned.)

Candace: It's right here, Mom! Come on, come on, come on!

(The biosphere is picked up by the head of the Rain-inator behind her.)

Phineas/Fireside Girls: Hi, Candace!

Linda: (enters) Hmm, I've really got to fix the latch on that gate. (Both turn around and see the empty backyard.) Um... (Candace facepalms.)

(Doofenshmirtz is mourning the loss of his soap opera)

Doofenshmirtz: How is this possible? I took every precaution! I had the Rain-inator, I had you trapped in a - what the?

(Perry, standing next to the gushing remains of the Rain-inator, salutes and hops into his hovercraft)

Doofenshmirtz: ¡Maldito seas, Perry el Ornitorrinco! Man, this is gonna cost me a fortune on my water bill.

(In the backyard, Linda turns to Candace.)

Linda: So, did you ever find out why Jeremy likes you?

Candace: Jeremy! (She bolts over to him.) Now, please continue your thought. Tell me why you like me.

Jeremy: You bet. The reason that I like you is...

(Candace grins excitedly. Jeremy opens his mouth to speak, but he, like Juan from the soap opera, is cut off by a soccer game.)

Sport Announcer: ''¡Viene, le pega! ¡GOOOOOOOL!''