Serial Killers (Mr. Pickles)

Mr. Pickles: Season: 2 Episode: 3 [incomplete & unfixed]

Cannibal: And when the delivery guy came, I said, “I ordered Thai food, but it looks like I’ll be eating Mexican.” Get it? He was Mexican, and I’m a cannibal.

Guard: Please, shut up.

Cannibal: I tried the Atkins diet, but there are only so many people named Atkins. Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Guard: Why can’t you be a nice, normal serial killer like Ugly Face, Poison, mm… Strangler or Rape & Kill Ronnie?

Ronnie: Aw!

Cannibal: Well, it’s rare that I’m like others.

Ugly Face: Uh…

Cannibal: Wait. I meant to say, “I like others rare!” Aaah!

Guard: Oh, no! Rape and Kill Ronnie!

Driver: Uh… Aaaaah!

[intro, prison bus crushes, prisoners escape]

Beverly Goodman: Your breakfast is ready-

Sheriff: Morning, Goodmans.

Stanley Goodman: Morning, Sheriff.

Sheriff: Morning.

Beverly: Um, Sheriff?

Sheriff: Uh, yeah? Oh, Mr.Pickles, just the person I came to see. See, I could use his sniffing skills for a classified case today.

Grandpa Henry Gobbleblobber: You shouldn’t take that evil dog anywher-

Beverly: Oh, Dad, stop it.

Sheriff: What do you say, boy? You want to be a K-9 dog?

Tommy Goodman: Mr. Pickles sure is excited!

Beverly: Oh! Down, boy!

Sheriff: Okay, we don’t have much time to talk, so I’ll make this quick. This morning, four serial killers killed their guard and bus driver and then discarded these prison suits and escaped into Old Town. Now get a good sniff, boy, ‘cause we need to find Ugly Face, Poison, the Strangler, and the Cannibal. My copy machine was low on ink, but this is what they look like. Here, put on this K-9 vest. First stop, going to see my boy, Carl. Carl always knows what’s going down on the street. Hey, what’s up, Carl? You noticed anybody suspicious today?

Carl: Nope.

Sheriff: Okay, bye.

Carl: Oh!

Sheriff: Huh?

Carl: Somebody stole a pack of my Wild Berry Gum.

Sheriff: Oh, that’s terrible, Carl! Don’t you worry. I’ll keep a look out, man. Oh, can I get the key to the V.I.P. lounge?

Carl: Okay.

Sheriff: Carl’s a nut. I go pee-pee by myself. There goes a robber with his loot Stop right there, or Sheriff will shoot- Oh! Aaaah! Aaaah! Oh! What happened? What was I doing? Oh, right. Catching a gum thief! Done with my pee-pee, time to catch a gum thief.

Grandpa: ''Hmm. Hmm. Mmm. Hm. [enters Old Town Museum'']

Cannibal: Ancient cultures often sacrificed dogs to appease the appetites of the gods.

But if you ask me, there were far more appetizing native dishes available.

Could I show you around? There are some real feasts for the eyes here.

Sure.

After you.

And later, I’ll feast on your eyes.

Lub-lub-lub-lub-lub-lub.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Are you coming? Coming! Next.

Now, let’s see if you’ve been chewing any gum.

Open up.

Ahhh.

Stinky! Next.

And, folks, please have your mouths open and ready.

Huh? Aaaah! Oh! Aaaaah! What’s your name?! Ugly Face! Your name should be cutey-face! Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla.

Aaaah! Hey, where you going?! Cutey Face?! Where’d you go?! Aah! Aah! Aah! That was really fun.

Shall we continue this chat over a walk? Uh, sure.

But a word of warning.

After I’m done with you, you’ll be pooped.

Num-num-num-num-num-num.

Pooped.

Blu-blu-blu-blu-blu.

Yum, yum, yum, yum! Um-num-num-num-num.

Bla-la-la-la-la-la.

You’re pretty funny.

I’m gonna poop you.

I’m a gum thief.

Where do I go? I go where the gum thieves go because I’m a gum thief.

Oh, pardon me, ma’am.

Hey, Mr.

B.

Man, somebody stole a pack of Carl’s Wild Berry Gum.

Hmm.

Shall we? Mm.

All right, peace out.

Now where was it? Oh, hey, Mr.

Pickles.

I’m trying to think like a piece of gum.

Where would somebody put just a chewed up piece of gum like me? Oh! Under a bench! We’re getting close.

Make yourself comfortable.

Whoo-hoo! This carriage is da bomb, baby! Ow! Honey, can I get a drink? Ooh! Snap.

How about you turn around, and I’ll slip into nothing more comfortable? Damn right.

Gonna get some, boy.

You gonna get it, all right.

Uh Hey, where’d you go? Old.

Old.

I need some evidence, something fresh.

Mmm! But old.

Boy, I’m really worn out.

This way.

I must be getting old.

I think of you as well-seasoned.

Uh, uh I could just eat you up.

Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla.

Num-num-num-num-num.

Oh! In fact, I will.

You’re hilarious! Say, would you like to come have dinner with my family? Family dinner? Bla-bla-bla-bla, yum, yum, yum, yum! Num-num-num-num-num, yum, yum, yum.

Bla-bla-bla-bla.

Num-num-num-num-num.

Yummy, yummy, yummy, yum! Sounds good.

Mmm, spearmint.

I like spearmint.

Spearmint is a good kind of gum.

But it’s old, and it’s not Wild Berry.

So Guess I’ll have a little more gum! Hey! Fresh gum! You must be the gum thief! Uh-oh! Stop right there, gum thief! Hey, get back here! Huh? Move, cop dog! Gum thief! Where are you?! Whoa! You’re not a gum thief! You’re a cannibal! What, no! Oh, that’s right! I was supposed to catch serial killers.

And, look, they’re all being eaten by the Cannibal.

But I’m just a gum thief! That’s what they all say.

Come on, boy.

Stay put, Cannibal.

Try not to eat yourself, okay? Evening, Goodmans.

Hi, Sheriff.

This is Dad’s new friend.

Hello, Sheriff.

- Oh.

- Hey, stop that! How was you day with the sheriff, boy? He did pretty good.

Give him a pickle.

But, you know, the thing is, there’s still a gum thief on the loose.

Can you imagine somebody chewing another man’s gum? I’ve chewed the gums of many people.

Oh! Have you ever had Wild Berry? I’ve had a wild Barry and two subdued Barrys.

Sheriff, would you like to stay for dinner? Yes.

Whoa! I’m such a silly spilly.

Me too.

Whoops! So, new to town, huh? Yes.

I’ve acquired a taste for Old Town.

So you might stick around? Not gonna pack it in soon, huh? Uh-huh huh? All right? I’ll be honest with you.

We really had some nice weather today.

Uh-huh.

Mmm.

Whoops! I spilled gravy on me.

Mmm! Here’s a crazy thing.

I went to dust the mantle earlier, no dust.

Hmm! You haven’t touched your food.

Something spoil your appetite? Hardly.

Mama always said it’s rude to chew with your mouth open.

Well, I’d love to chew the fat with her some time.

I already said “chew.

“ Chew did? Isn’t that just chew bad? Oh, this guy’s a hoot, huh? You better watch your tongue, buddy boy.

I’d rather use my tongue to finish eating tonight’s meal! Huh?! Wild Berry Gum! Got you! You’re under arrest, gum thief! - Gum thief? - You’re gumming with me.

And don’t make me pull my gum.

Oh, what’s happening? Oh, I say, “pull my gum” because it sounds like gun, you know? Yep, if you think you’re gonna eat somebody or steal gum in Old Town, you better think again, ‘cause nothing gets by me.

Hey! I love this song! Huh?! Well, at least I won’t be die-ning alone.

Oh, here you go, doggie.

- Hi, Will.

- Hi, Dave.