The Father

The Vermin Man

 * Hmm. "HIT THE RAT [THREE] TIMES TO GET IN."
 * Dad! You made it!
 * Uh, yeah. There's food, right?
 * ,, , , : Happy Vermin Man Day!
 * Happy what, now?
 * ,, : Grandpa Frankie!
 * Oh, hey, kids. Uh, Nicole, these are for you.
 * Oh, thank you. "You'll always be alive in our hearts, Great-Aunt… Petunia."
 * Sorry. I couldn't find one that said Nicole, especially not in the dark.
 * Who invited him?
 * Me! It's a proper family get-together. You're late, Dad. You almost missed the song.
 * Well, at least I'm here now! But if anyone asks, I was also here Thursday night between eight and eleven.
 * Come on, kids, all together now, for the "Vermin Man" song!
 * Here he comes, the Vermin Man,
 * He's always ready with a trick or a scam!
 * Come on, kids, all together now, for the "Vermin Man" song!
 * Here he comes, the Vermin Man,
 * He's always ready with a trick or a scam!
 * Here he comes, the Vermin Man,
 * He's always ready with a trick or a scam!


 * With his one black eye and his pointed nose,
 * And an outfit straight from eighties cop shows,
 * He's a liar and a rogue and a sponger and a thief,
 * He'll take away your happiness and fill you full of grief


 * Here he comes, the Vermin Man,
 * He's always ready with a trick or a scam!


 * He's a no-good husband and a deadbeat dad
 * If he disappeared for good, then we'd all be glad
 * His face is gross, his manner is brash
 * Just hit him down the middle, all you'll find is trash


 * Here he comes, the Vermin Man,
 * He's always ready with a trick or a scam!


 * Where's the candy?
 * There isn't any. Just garbage to symbolize how rotten the vermin man is on the inside.


 * Got a hole for a soul and a heart like a knife
 * He let down his child and wife
 * Never, ever marry him, he'll ruin your life
 * The Vermin Man


 * He's always ready with a trick or a lie or a con or a hustle
 * Or a hoax or a fraud or a racket or a sham
 * Or a diddle or a fiddle or a scam!


 * Well, it wasn't about me.
 * Yeah, I know, I get the hint.
 * Don't worry, Dad. The vermin man isn't about you. It's a tradition as old as time. Mom said it started when the Pilgrims first came to this land and they were all abandoned by their deadbeat father. You know— the British.
 * Mm, no, son. I think it was probably invented by your mom, 'cause she can't stand me.
 * I invented it to distract our son from remembering the day you walked out on us! And yes, it's because I can't stand you.
 * I'm sorry, Richard. I shouldn't have come. I can't make up for what I've done to you. I've missed too much.
 * Has he gone? The lousy bum stole my wallet!
 * Has he gone? The lousy bum stole my wallet!

Cheering Richard Up

 * Oh, this is bad. What can we do to cheer him up?
 * Oh, I know! Dad rock.
 * I'm gonna rock you till you feel the rock 'n' roll
 * Rock around the rock that is made out of rock
 * I'm gonna rock it back and forth like a rocking horse
 * Gonna quench your thirst with some rock on the rocks
 * Wow. There's a lot of promise of rocking, but…
 * Yeah, it's like having someone take you around a theme park telling you how much fun you're gonna have, but you never get to go on the rides.
 * Well, he's kind of rocking.
 * Just encourage him with a bit of Dad dancing.
 * What's wrong?
 * That's the music from my dad's generation.
 * We'll follow you to the—
 * Whoa-oh-oh, whoa-oh-oh, whoa-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh—
 * Faker. You only bought the T-shirts for the cool bands, didn't you?
 * Mm-hmm.
 * Come on. Let's go to Joyful Burger. For once, you've got our permission to comfort eat.
 * How about a joke? Knock-knock.
 * Dad?
 * What? No.
 * So, that's one large fries.
 * I mean, I don't have any real…
 * Beef.
 * …with my dad. Sure, he's made mis—
 * Steaks.
 * But now, there's too much time to…
 * Ketchup.
 * And all this has left me in a…
 * Bit of a pickle.
 * While he's gone on to make a…
 * Hash brown.
 * …of his life. It's so hard when a parent…
 * Desserts.
 * …you. And now I…
 * Doughnut.
 * …know what to do. Every night…
 * Ice cream.
 * …inside. I just feel so…
 * Waffle.
 * I ought to tell him how I feel, but I guess I'm too much of a…
 * Boneless chicken!
 * And comfort eating is not going to make me any happier.
 * This doesn't look good to me.
 * I don't think anyone would enjoy the sight of a grown man smearing burger meat into his face in a kid's ball pit.
 * Even in Japan, this is pretty niche.
 * Isn't all this eating dangerous?
 * Nah, this is Richard Watterson. He can take it.
 * Yeah, I was more worried about the staff.
 * It was like shoveling French fries down an elevator shaft.
 * Well, now my brain and stomach are sad.
 * I've got an idea!
 * This is what I do when I feel blue. I look at the clouds and see that even the darkest ones eventually drift away. And it's fun 'cause they make shapes. Like that one. It looks like a hat.
 * A hat like my father's.
 * Uh, sure.
 * How 'bout that one? It's like a horseshoe.
 * Shoes are for walking. Like he walked out on me.
 * Well, how about that one? It looks like a… Oh.
 * Looks like a popsicle.
 * Oh. Uh… I— I guess.
 * Popsicles are cold like the Arctic Ocean. And that's cold becuase it's got lots of icebergs in it. That's why it's dangerous for ships. Because icebergs sink ships. And what's the first thing to leave a sinking ship? A rat.
 * And rats are covered with fleas, just like my father "flea'd" from me.
 * Yeah, we got it. You could have stopped at "rat."
 * I just… I… I don't know what else to do.
 * Dad, you've just got to talk to Grandpa Frankie about it.
 * There's no point. He's just a con man. The best I can hope for is that the next time I see him, he doesn't hustle me out of seven hundred dollars with that ball-and-cups trick… again.
 * These cups and this ball are worth two thousand dollars. But as you're my son, I'll let you have 'em for seven hundred dollars!
 * I don't know what to say to him. I can't put it into words.
 * Would it help to sing it?
 * You know what? I think maybe it would. Aah!  Breww! Was that clear?
 * ,, : Uh… Uh-huh.
 * But that doesn't mean you can't fix… whatever that was… between you.
 * I would need to make a time machine.
 * Why?
 * Because if I invented a time machine, my dad would be really proud of me. It's too late, anyway. I'll never get those years back.
 * No. Not true. You can't travel back in time and experience the things you guys missed, but you can travel forward in time and fix the things that are yet to come. Because the future starts now.
 * Huh. That was really good, wasn't it? Kind of surprised myself there. I was like, "The future starts now." Bam! Nailed it!  The future starts now. Now. Now.
 * Can we just—
 * Yeah. Sorry. Let's just get on with it.
 * Yeah, we got it. You could have stopped at "rat."
 * I just… I… I don't know what else to do.
 * Dad, you've just got to talk to Grandpa Frankie about it.
 * There's no point. He's just a con man. The best I can hope for is that the next time I see him, he doesn't hustle me out of seven hundred dollars with that ball-and-cups trick… again.
 * These cups and this ball are worth two thousand dollars. But as you're my son, I'll let you have 'em for seven hundred dollars!
 * I don't know what to say to him. I can't put it into words.
 * Would it help to sing it?
 * You know what? I think maybe it would. Aah!  Breww! Was that clear?
 * ,, : Uh… Uh-huh.
 * But that doesn't mean you can't fix… whatever that was… between you.
 * I would need to make a time machine.
 * Why?
 * Because if I invented a time machine, my dad would be really proud of me. It's too late, anyway. I'll never get those years back.
 * No. Not true. You can't travel back in time and experience the things you guys missed, but you can travel forward in time and fix the things that are yet to come. Because the future starts now.
 * Huh. That was really good, wasn't it? Kind of surprised myself there. I was like, "The future starts now." Bam! Nailed it!  The future starts now. Now. Now.
 * Can we just—
 * Yeah. Sorry. Let's just get on with it.
 * Huh. That was really good, wasn't it? Kind of surprised myself there. I was like, "The future starts now." Bam! Nailed it!  The future starts now. Now. Now.
 * Can we just—
 * Yeah. Sorry. Let's just get on with it.
 * Yeah. Sorry. Let's just get on with it.

The Future Starts Now

 * Oh. There you are. So, here's the plan. You guys go through everything a father and son should have shared, out, like, really fast. Three, two, one, go!
 * So, uh… where do we start?
 * How about a piggyback ride?
 * Okay.
 * That's as good a place as—
 * Aah!
 * You ready, champ?
 * Yeah!
 * Well done, son! And now we run!
 * Why?
 * Because, technically, that's not our ball.
 * This priceless heirloom was passed down from grandfather to father, and from father to son. And it was passed down from that son's second-story window by my former cellmate to me. And now it's yours.
 * I— I… don't know what to say.
 * Good. 'Cause anything you do say will be held against you in court.
 * What?
 * You make sure you don't forget the little bit under your chin.
 * Very good. Now the second one.
 * And now the third.
 * Great. Now you just have to slide down the drainpipe and run.
 * Now, first, you release the hand brake.
 * Now, gently slip it into drive.
 * Aah! Agh, I don't like it, Dad!
 * It's perfectly normal to be nervous your first time driving… a getaway car.
 * I'm sorry. I can't do this!
 * Hey, wait! Where are you going?!
 * Oh. Now reel it in, son. Nice and easy.
 * Okay, I think that's enough.
 * What? What did I do wrong?!
 * It's no good. I thought this would a father-and-son bonding thing. You know? We'd talk about life.
 * Uh— that's cool. Let's do that now.
 * That would be nice.
 * Okay, so, "life." Life is like, fifteen, twenty years, but you can be out in ten with good behavior.
 * Oh, forget it!
 * Oh, look, son. You know what I'm like. I'm the Vermin Man. I'm no role model. I'm more of a parole model.
 * Eugh.
 * Look, I didn't want you to turn out like me. And I was right. Look at you. You turned out great. And your kids love you.
 * I didn't start off as a good father. But your kids… they see you as better than you are, so every day, you bust your chops and try to live up to that.
 * It's too late for me.
 * No. Not true. You know what my kids taught me today? The future starts now.
 * Yeah.
 * I'm sorry, son.
 * I'm sorry, too.
 * You've got nothing to apologize for.
 * Yes, I do. I stole your wallet.
 * That's my boy. And don't worry. It's not mine anyway.
 * That would be nice.
 * Okay, so, "life." Life is like, fifteen, twenty years, but you can be out in ten with good behavior.
 * Oh, forget it!
 * Oh, look, son. You know what I'm like. I'm the Vermin Man. I'm no role model. I'm more of a parole model.
 * Eugh.
 * Look, I didn't want you to turn out like me. And I was right. Look at you. You turned out great. And your kids love you.
 * I didn't start off as a good father. But your kids… they see you as better than you are, so every day, you bust your chops and try to live up to that.
 * It's too late for me.
 * No. Not true. You know what my kids taught me today? The future starts now.
 * Yeah.
 * I'm sorry, son.
 * I'm sorry, too.
 * You've got nothing to apologize for.
 * Yes, I do. I stole your wallet.
 * That's my boy. And don't worry. It's not mine anyway.
 * That's my boy. And don't worry. It's not mine anyway.