Simple Simpson

Welcome back to promiscuous idiots island. On FOX, the home of promiscuous idiots. Last week, on P. I. I., Our billionaire bachelor gave five lovely ladies a rose of continuation; and he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone displaying intelligence, character or ethnicity. Tonight, we reveal a shocking secret. Ladies, when you were selected, you were told that you'd be dating a billionaire on his private island. Well, I'm afraid we misled you. Get ready, skanks. Here comes the truth train! This isn't an island at all. It's a peninsula. This was supposed to be about trust! I just want to get on that boat and go home! Well, you don't need a boat cause you can walk! What did those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX, you know you're going to be betrayed and humiliated. Quiet, the commercial's on! If we don't watch these, it's like we're stealing tv. Do you love that sooo-weet smell of farmer Billy's bacon? Do I ever! Would you like to see how a pig goes from loving life to your fork and knife? Would I! Well, if you open up one of these here packages and find a golden ticket, you git a tour of farmer Billy's bacon factory! You'll see the hoof grinder! The marrow sluice! And of course, the five-story pig shredder, blessed by three popes. If you like bacon, you're gonna love it. And if you don't like bacon, well, then the hell with you. I'm going to find that golden ticket and win that tour! The only thing that can make bacon more delicious is seeing how it's made! Okay, farmer Billy's slow-killed bacon, farmer Billy's bacon-fed bacon, farmer Billy's travel bacon Mr. Simpson, if you really want to kill yourself, I also sell handguns. Nope. Just lookin' for that golden ticket. Nope. Nothing. Nope. Nada. The golden ticket! At long last. Please, Mr. Simpson, please. I fear your smooches are premature. This is, in fact, a silver ticket. This silver ticket entitles you to judge the pig competition at the Springfield county fair. " Hmm. Judge a pig competition? But I'm no super-genius. Or are I? These giant vegetables are amazing. How about a bite of the world's biggest brussels sprout? This song is about a country I love. You may have heard of it. It's called America. Hey, I know that country! I could please Ms. Barbara Streisand by spittin' on the flag or stranglin' a bald eagle on the cover of some mag but I love this country to me she has no sins if you don't buy my record then Al-Qaeda wins! USA! USA! Of all the days for you to get a zit. Hmm. Comely. Succulent. Ha! Clearly had a snout job. Ugh! Too '80s. Let's see how your sister's doing in the place-setting competition. Place-setting? How is someone so lame related to a hot tamale like me? Check it out. Dribble glass, rubber knife, whoopee salad and finally, the breakaway wine bottle did not arrive. My theme is "if music be the food of love. " The setting features tuning forks, champagne flutes and of course, chopsticks. And for dessert, Ella Fitz Jell-O. Lordy, girl, your entry stinks like the south end of a north-bound mule! What's wrong with it? Your place-setting thinks it's better than it is, like a yard dog that sneaks into the house! Did I do anything right? Well, you did put it on a table. Looky here, it wobbles! Wobble, wobble, wobble! This table's about as solid as your underlying concept. No one does that to my daughter! One more felony assault, Simpson, and you're goin' down. Ha. I didn't know I could fit in a bubble. I must be losin' weight. But I gotta do something! I'll need a disguise. There, there, little darlin'. Dry those tears with this! Hold it right there! You've hurt your last feeling! We all know pi-r-squared. But today, pie are justice. And I welcome it. Thank you mysterious stranger. Where did he go? Where were you, Homie? You missed all the excitement. Shall we ever see Springfield's costumed protector again? Oh, I have a funny feeling we will. Wherever people are mistreated, the pie man will strike! What you doing, sweetie? I'm drawing a picture of my newest hero, the pie man. Gee, I thought I had a bigger package than that. That's really sweet, honey. Let's turn that frown upside down. Oh, dad, I feel like I'm going to throw up. What's wrong, son? Comic book guy made me pay for these comics he said I smudged. But I didn't even touch them! "Richie Rich incorporates in Delaware," "easy to believe tales," "Supergirl vs. The glass ceiling," the green listener"? He was just trying to unload these crappy comics on a helpless kid. Somebody ought to take him down a peg. Or, should I say, down a pie. No, I think the expression is "peg. " Maybe you're right, Lisa. Maybe you're pie. Pie-be you're pie. This magazine you sold me isn't "fantastic four. " It's "fantastic floor"! My family can't put in floors we rent! Sorry, no refunds. Oh, brother. Why do we get all the weirdos here at the comic book store? Comic book guy. Don't do the crime if you can't do the key lime. How could this be any more humiliating? Hello, I'm Nichelle Nichols of Star Trek. Oh, you've finally accepted my invitation for tea and chit-chat! Listen, I said it to Shatner and I'm saying it to you: There is no way I'm going to be dating a man with pie on his face. There's a note. "Evildoers beware signed Simple Simon your friendly neighbohood Pie Man" Finally, a superhero that kids can love. What about fistface? Fistface? Who's fistface? Why won't you tell me who fistface is? I demand you reveal the identity of fistface! It's you! You can tell by the way the pie tin sits on his face that he's very good-looking. Oh, I think you'd find his filling extremely hot. Ooh, I bet he's Ned Flanders. Flanders!? He's not man enough to trim my crust. I mean pie man's crust. I'm not pie man. Pie-- popular pastry, tricky math thing, and now sword of righteousness. A masked avenger has been giving Springfield's scoundrels their just desserts. This is for your show's slight decline in quality over the years. In an attempt to curb copycat pieings, the police have organized a pie-for-guns exchange. The pies were immediately detonated by the bomb squad. Oh, those poor innocent pies. Some days you just don't want to be a cop, you know? I'm going to go turn the siren on; that always cheers me up. That's good footage. Where will the pie man strike next? Perhaps at the Springfield children's hospital, which is tossing out all its sick youngsters to make way for a new cosmetic surgery clinic. Who will treat my whooping cough? Search me. Come back when you want a giant rack. Okay, Lou, the minute pie man shows up, we spring our trap. What do you got against this pie guy anyway? He's giving jerks their comeuppance. Yeah, but he's skipping the hardest part of being a cop: - Bike safety lectures. - Oh, come on, chief. No. No one ever wants to hear about the importance of pants clips, do they? Yeah, but That's why pie man is going down. Thanks to this clinic, we will no longer be terrorized by the spectacle of women aging naturally. Not so fast, old-time liberal. Get him! Pie man, no! It's a trap! No trap can hold Homer Simpson! Uh, but I'm not Homer Simpson. I'm the pie man. Homer Simpson away. I mean, the pie man. Shoot to kill. Oh, damn it! Oh, way to go, Lou you hit him. What, you sound like you're surprised. I'm trying to give you positive reinforcement, jerk. That's positive, calling me a jerk? You are a jerk. I'm not being trampled. What gives? Uh, listen I'm married. I'm looking up your nose, but I feel like I'm staring into your soul. That was so exciting, yet familiar. Like coke with lemon. Let's see cartilage, cartilage, muscle, nerve! Artery bullet! Dad? Pie man is not your father, little girl. I murdered your father. Dad, please. It's obvious you're pie man. We've been getting his mail for weeks. We shall continue this conversation in the pie cave. Watch it, one more step. Welcome to my secret lair. Dad, this is the basement. Here's the iced tea I left down here this afternoon. So it would seem. Anyhoo, I'll bet this is all a pretty big surprise, huh? Mild-mannered Homer Simpson You're not mild-mannered. You're often liquored-up and rude. Honorable men can differ. Now what brings you down here? I want you to stop this, dad, before you get killed. All right, I'll stop. But what'll I do with these pies? Well, I know one thing you could do I was in so deep, I forgot pies were food. Simpson, you're late, bald and stupid. - I'm docking you a day's pay. - What? I'll show him. No, I shouldn'tOr should I? I'll keep my promise, honey. No looking at pictures of loved ones. Lousy Burns"bald-headed" No angry grumbling under your breath. Eat faster, faster. Swallow on your own time. Won't someone help us? Who will stand up for Carl and Lenny? Hey, Homer, throw me at Mr. Burns! No, throw me! I'm old and stale I might just kill him. Don't do it, Homer. You made a promise to Lisa. Since when do I listen to cakes? Tell you what, Homer you make one last hit, then you're out of the business forever. Lisa would understand. You're all so wise. I wish I could eat each and every one of you. Aw, we wish you could eat us, too. Attention: While you've been showering here, I sold all your clothes. Again? I've run out of pie-related puns. He won't escape, sir. Behold, Smithers, your so-called messiah. Sir, I never To the employee prison! Now, let's see what we have here Simpsons! You'll rue the day you took that pie tin, poked holes for eyes, and attached a rubber band around the back! It's not a rubber band; it's a scrunchie! Silence! Or I'll chop you into suet for my murderous gerbils and hamsters. Wait, I have a better idea. You'll work for me now. I already work for you. In addition to working in your normal capacity at the plant, you will also serve as my personal hit man. Do I get two paychecks? Here is your first assignment. To prove your loyalty. But I promised my daughter Do as I say, or I'll tell the police. You'll do so much community service. No, not community service! I can't stand helping others! I just can't! Now open the folder. It contains your next victim. No, not him! Anyone but him! I've had my problems with him, everyone has, but like every monster, he just wants to be loved. Come on! It's cobblering time! I can't sleep. I keep thinking about the pie man. Oh, me, too! What if he started pieing good people? Not because he wanted to, but because he was being blackmailed by his boss? Homie, are you the pie man? No, I'm not, and here's a picture that proves it. See? Well, whoever he is, the pie man would never cave in to blackmail. Now, on a different subject, kiss me hard. - You know, I'm not pie man. - I don't care. Girl scout cookies! Oh, come on! She's a little girl. Grow a spine on your own time, blimpo. Just one second, sweetheart. Now pie that brownie, fruitcake! Sorry. Sir, my baby wants to play patty-cake, now. Your assignment. The Dalai Lama?! That's right. All his talk of peace and love is really honking off my red chinese masters. Now, Smithers, walk me around the park until I fall asleep. I'm feeling fussy. As Springfield's youngest buddhist, I am deeply honored to introduce the Dalai Lama. Oh, I can't do this in front of Lisa. Why does she have to believe in things? You have no choice. Pie him, or I'll reveal your secret to the world! And now, please welcome the Elvis of enlightenment, the lean, serene, chanting machine, the Dalai Lama! Greetings, fellow travelers on the path to enlightenment. Please forgive me, talking llama. No, pie man! Don't do it! C'mon, pie man, hit him! That's the only reason anyone came to this stupid thing! No. I won't. There's only one way I can escape from this nightmare. Homer Simpson? It was him all along. Homer Simpson is the pie man? Impossible! He's never thrown away a pastry in his life. His brain isn't large enough to juggle two contrasting personae! Yeah, and Homer's a dumbass! No offense, Homer. Ya dumbass. I'm telling you, I'm the pie man! No you're not. The pie man could fly. And spit acid! And animals did his bidding! Well, that closes the book on pie man. - Wait a minute. - What? If it wasn't Simpson, who was it? It's gonna be you, if you don't shut up! Dad, I think you created a hero that even you couldn't live up to. Let's go home, honey. On to my next engagement: Buffalo, New York! I know one person who believes you were the pie man, Homie. Me. I've known it all along. Was it the kiss? No, it was clearly you in that suit. You'd have to be an idiot not to see it from the start. So, pie man Why don't you show me your superpowers? Pie man? Wherever injustice shows its ugly face, I will be there! For i am the pie man! And wherever pie man is, the cupcake kid will not be far behind. While you two are up on the roof, why don't you take the leaves out of the gutter?