Quagmire's Baby


 * [Peter is buying an old ham radio off Quagmire, complaining about the outrageous $50 price tag]
 * Peter: Man this is a bigger rip-off than Shrunky Dinks
 * [Cut to a destitute-looking house where a young black child excitedly opens a box next to his deadbeat father]
 * Black Child: [His smile turns to a frown as he inspects one of the Shrunky Dinks] They already been shrunk!
 * Black Father: Happy Birthmas.


 * Lois: Peter, you been fiddling with that ham radio for seven weeks. Take a shower!
 * Peter: I can barely get any reception on this stupid thing. So far the only station that comes in is some British guys reading news from places I'm not sure exist.
 * British Guy: [on the ham radio] Today, in Tajikistan, a peaceful demonstration turned to bloodshed as members of the Turzirly tribe flooded Kenpao Square in remembrance of the third anniversary of the Hormsburg Massacre. But finally, some good news out of neighboring Kanduzi, as locals there have reached an uneasy alliance with the bordering Trolika Bubsie Wubsie Dal. And now with sports, here's Framptal Tromwibbler
 * Framptal Tromwibbler: From the world of sport, the Cointen Spinky Whompers flumped the Floing Boing Welfencloppers, 70-fluff to 40-flabe. At the tone, the time will be 26 railroad. [tone beeps]
 * Peter: I'm not sure about any of that.


 * [Peter on the ham radio trying to contact ghosts]
 * Peter: Hello, ghosts. Come in, ghosts.
 * Man: Hello?
 * Peter: Hello? Who's this?
 * Man: This is Ronald Reagan.
 * Peter: Ronald Reagan? The guy that used to bang that 70-pound witch?
 * Ronald Reagan: Ronald Reagan, former President of the United States.
 * Peter: Oh, my God!
 * [Peter grabs a phone and dials Quagmire]
 * Peter: [to Quagmire on the phone] Hey, Quagmire, guess who I'm talking to right now?...Yep!


 * Stewie: Brian, will you take me down to Baby Gap? I want to dress like a small douche.


 * [after Brian told Stewie he can't take him to Baby Gap]
 * Stewie: Oh, for God's sake. [to someone off-screen] Cancel my Tuesday appointments!
 * [Bitch Stewie walks in on-screen with a notepad and pen]
 * Bitch Stewie: Sure thing, Stewie. You want me to move it to another day?
 * Stewie: No, no, just cancel it.
 * Bitch Stewie: [writing on the notepad] Okay, will do. [Bitch Stewie leaves]
 * Brian: Who the hell was that?
 * Stewie: Hmm?
 * Brian: There was another Stewie right there.
 * Stewie: Oh, yeah, well, you know, I've been so damn busy lately, my schedule's been so packed I felt like I needed some kind of an errand boy to do all my nitpicky, pain-in-the-ass stuff. So I clone myself.
 * Brian: You...you cloned yourself?
 * Stewie: What are you deaf?
 * Brian: So he's an exact copy of you?
 * Stewie: Well, not exact. I have to remain superior so I bred out some of the intelligence. Made him sort of a simpleton, you know. I call him Bitch Stewie. Would you like to meet him? Would you like to meet Bitch Stewie?
 * Brian: Uh, yeah, I guess.
 * Stewie: [to Bitch Stewie] Bitch Stewie! Come here and meet my friend, Brian.
 * Bitch Stewie: [walking on-screen] Hey, there, Stewie. Oh, what's that? You got a friend? Oh, I'm always happy to meet one of your friends.
 * Brian: Dear God.
 * Bitch Stewie: [walks to Brian, grabs his hand and shake it] How do you do? Pleased to meet you. I'm Bitch Stewie.
 * Brian: He's got quite a grip.


 * Stewie: Hey Bitch Stewie, why are there no midget accountants? Because they always come up short!
 * Bitch Stewie: Hahahaha! Oh another good one Stewie! I don't know where you come up with them!


 * Stewie: [referring to Bitch Stewie] Isn't he wonderful? And all I have to feed him is a crude peanut paste. Watch this.
 * [squeezes a tube of crude peanut paste into Bitch Stewie's mouth]
 * Bitch Stewie: Uh-huh!
 * Stewie: It's not much, but it's healthier than what people ate in the 50's.
 * [cutaway to a man ordering food in the 50's]
 * Man: Steak and donut sandwich, please.
 * Waiter: You want cigarettes on that sandwich?
 * Man: What do I look like, a Mary? Yes, I want cigarettes!


 * [Brian walks into the bathroom and sees someone in the bathtub]
 * Brian: Oh, sorry, didn't realize somebody was in here. What the hell?
 * [Brian notice Bitch Stewie and Stewie are in the bathtub and Bitch Stewie is washing Stewie's back]
 * Stewie: Oh, hello, Brian.
 * Bitch Stewie: Oh, there's your friend, Brian! Hey, Brian! I sure did enjoy talking to you the other day! I'm just making sure Stewie is nice and clean for his trip to the playground this afternoon.
 * Stewie: We had a little bit of a problem earlier because Bitch Stewie was stooling in the tub, [to Bitch Stewie] wasn't he?
 * Bitch Stewie: I did some poos. I did some poos I didn't mean to.
 * Stewie: But we've rectified that now, and everything's fine.
 * Brian: This is really weird. I mean, it's one thing to have him help you out with your busy schedule. It's another thing to let him wash your back.
 * Stewie: Well, he does more than that, Brian. [to Bitch Stewie] Bitch Stewie, give me a bubble beard.
 * [Bitch Stewie puts some bubbles on Stewie's face to make it look like a beard]
 * Stewie: Look at me, I'm George Bernard Shaw.
 * Bitch Stewie: [laughs] That's awful funny, Stewie! I don't know who George Bernard Shaw is, but you look like an old Stewie, Stewie.
 * Brian: Enjoy your weird bath. [Brian walks out the bathroom]
 * Bitch Stewie: I told him I did the poos even though you did the poos, Stewie. Did I do good, Stewie?
 * Stewie: That was very correct of you, Bitch Stewie. You're a good helper.


 * [realizing the voice on the ham radio is not Ronald Reagan]
 * Quagmire: Wait a second.
 * Joe: Yeah, no shit.
 * Peter: What?
 * Quagmire: Peter, that's not Ronald Reagan. That's Rich Little! [to the ham radio] You're Rich Little!
 * Joe: He must be on his own ham radio!
 * Rich Little: [imitating Johnny Carson] Ah, well, uh, you know, Ed, the kids say you gotta go viral to promote yourself these days.
 * Peter: So, this is not Reagan?
 * Quagmire: No, it's Rich Little. He's an impressionist. He's been screwing with your head.
 * Peter: Well, this thing is worthless! Like my Palestinian alarm clock.
 * [cutaway the Palestinian alarm clock at 7:00 AM]
 * Palestinian Alarm Clock: Allahu Akbar!


 * [Peter goes to Quagmire's house on knocks on his door]
 * Quagmire: Hey, Peter, what's up?
 * Peter: Hey, Quagmire, uh, listen, I'm here to get my money back for that ham radio.
 * Quagmire: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down there, partner. All sales are final.
 * Peter: Yeah, but you were Agamemnon with me during the sale.
 * Quagmire: What?
 * Peter: I just saw that word somewhere. I wanted to use it.
 * Quagmire: Look, Peter, why don't you just so home before you get hurt?
 * Peter: Well, I'm clearly not the only one who was dissatisfied with his purchase. [pointing to a baby in a basket] Whoever bought that baby from you obviously didn't want it.
 * Quagmire: A baby? I didn't sell a baby.
 * Peter: [pointing to a note in the basket] Look, there's a note.
 * Quagmire: [reading the note] "Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom, jerk." Oh, my God!
 * Peter: Well, now, hold on, Quagmire. There's no guarantee it's your baby.
 * Quagmire's baby: [moving her head like Quagmire] Giggity?
 * Quagmire: Oh...I say that.


 * [Peter, Bonnie, Lois, and Quagmire are in Quagmire's living room with Quagmire's baby, waiting for Joe to arrive with the DNA test results]
 * Joe: Well, the DNA test results are back. This little girl is definitely your baby, Quagmire.
 * Quagmire: Wh...what am I supposed to do? I-I don't want a baby. Look, somebody's gotta take this kid off my hands. I...I can't be a father.
 * Lois: Well, Glenn, you don't have a choice. This baby is your responsibility. [Lois hand Quagmire's baby to Quagmire to hold] Now, I brought you a basket of things to get you started. There's baby clothes, some toys, and some books. Now, if you have any questions, we're right across the street.
 * [Peter, Lois, Bonnie, and Joe leave]
 * Quagmire: [holding his baby] Hey, what's going on?
 * Quagmire's baby: [coos]
 * Quagmire: Not really sure what I'm supposed to do with you. [Quagmire sets his baby down on the couch] There's some frozen steaks in the freezer. Bathroom's down the hall to the right. Uh, if you ever come home and there's a tie on the door, it means I'm froggin' someone, so give me at least, uh, a couple hours. You smoke?


 * Brian: Stewie, what are you doing here? I thought you were going to Bobby Stalling's birthday party.
 * Stewie: Ugh, I hate that kid. And I hate children's birthday parties. I sent Bitch Stewie in my place.
 * [Meanwhile at Bobby Stalling's birthday party, Bitch Stewie is playing "Pin the Tail on the Donkey"]
 * Lois: [to Janet Stalling] Oh, what a great little party, Janet. You know, I've never seen Stewie come out of his shell so much.
 * [Bitch Stewie puts the tail on the donkey's face. He takes his blindfold off]
 * Bitch Stewie: Oh, no, it's not on his tail. It's on his face. I've ruined it! Oh, no, well, that's okay, though. Somebody else will come along and get it right!
 * Bobby Stalling: Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Stewie.
 * Bitch Stewie: Oh, I wouldn't have missed it for anything! I've never been to a party before!
 * Bobby: Wanna watch me blow out the candles?
 * Bitch Stewie: I would love to see that! And gosh, Bobby, I'd love to play with some of your birthday toys, but only after you've played with them and only if you say it's okay!


 * [Brian is remarking the usefulness of Stewie's clone and is asking if he would make a clone for him]
 * Brian: I, uh, don't suppose you'd consider making one of those for me, would ya?
 * Stewie: [Sly laugh] Maybe! What would you be willing to do for me?
 * Brian: Whatdya want?
 * Stewie: Take your index finger and your thumb, and lightly grip the base of your tail.
 * Brian: What?
 * Stewie: Lightly grip the base of your tail with your index finger and your thumb, and then slide your fingers up the length of your tail to the tip.
 * Brian: Why?
 * Stewie: Because that's what I asked you to do.
 * Brian: That's kinda weird. Is this some kinda sexual thing?
 * Stewie: Nobody said anything about sexual- there's nothing sexual about it. I'm just asking you to perform a simple task. [Slyly] Take your index finger and your thumb, and lightly grip the base of your tail, and run your fingers along the length of your tail.
 * Brian: You mean stroke it?
 * Stewie: [Defensively] Nobody used that word. This is not a stroking motion- this is a completely non-sexual thing I am asking you to do, in a completely non-sexual way. [Slyly] Squeeze the base of the tail lightly with your thumb and index finger, and then, while continuing to squeeze, run them up the length of your tail to the tip, and I'll make you a clone.
 * Brian: I only have to do it once?
 * Stewie: I'll tell you when to stop.
 * [Brian reaches for the back of the tail and slowly rubs along the length of the tail with his thumb and index finger, and then back again, then stops]
 * Stewie: [Laughs] I don't know why ya stoppin' nobody told you to stop!
 * [Brian resumes the rubbing his tail]
 * Stewie: Gimme a little smile.
 * [Brian flashes a fake smile while continuing to rub his tail]
 * Stewie: You're lips look a little dry, why don't you wet 'em a little bit?
 * [Brian, continuing to smile and rub his tail, then starts licking the outside of his lips]
 * Stewie: [Guffaws] Oh my God, you're so weird! Alright I'll make you a clone buddy.


 * Lois: [referring to Quagmire's baby] Oh, she's a beautiful little girl, Glenn. Have you given her a name yet?
 * Quagmire: Yeah, I named her Anna Lee, but I'm probably just going to call her "Anal" for short.
 * Peter: That's funny.
 * Quagmire: Thank you. Anyway, thanks for all the baby stuff. Hey, what's that big tarp over there?
 * Lois: Oh, that was Chris's blankie from when he was a baby.
 * Peter: Yeah, he was a big kid. Almost split Lois in half, coming out of her.
 * Lois: It's true. I never mentioned this because I don't want him to feel bad, but after he was born, they had to rearrange most of my organs.
 * Peter: Oh, yeah. He dragged half of Lois right out with him
 * Lois: Yeah, the doctors said I'll be lucky if I live past 50, but Chris is healthy and I thank God for that.


 * [Brian walks into Stewie's room]
 * Stewie: Oh, there you are, Brian. All right, you ready to meet your clone?
 * Brian: Am I ever? I've got a to-do list three pages long for him.
 * Stewie: Okay, now I want to qualify this by reminding you that, as with my clone, the intelligence level is reduced a bit.
 * Brian: That's good. We don't want him thinking too much.
 * Stewie: Yeah, well, I might have dialed your back a little more than I ought to have.
 * Brian: What do you mean?
 * Stewie: Brian, meet Bitch Brian.
 * [Bitch Brian walks in with a huge lower jaw]
 * Bitch Brian: Hi, Brian. You got some stuff you want me to do for you?
 * Brian: Oh, my God.
 * Stewie: Yeah, That's kind of what I said, too. You know, I'll...I'll be honest with you, Brian. Here's what happened. I didn't really want to do the work, so Bitch Stewie sort of did it.
 * Bitch Stewie: [walks into Stewie's room] Hey, Stewie, how'd the clone turn out?
 * Bitch Brian: Brian, I can't go to the bathroom by myself. Will you please help me? But I'm good at other stuff!


 * [after Quagmire put Anna Lee back to sleep, he goes back in bed with Candy]
 * Candy: You have a baby?
 * Quagmire: Yeah, it's a long story. Damn kid's kept me up every night for two weeks. Now, where were we? Giggity-giggity...snore


 * [Quagmire finishes reading the note that Candy left for him, and notices another one on his nightstand]
 * Quagmire: Hey there's another note. [Picks it up and reads it aloud] "Glenn, this is your child. Next time wear a condom jer..." oh, that's the note from earlier. I...need a file cabinet.


 * [Quagmire at the Griffin's house, holding Anna Lee in his lap, talking to Peter in his living room]
 * Quagmire: So, it's just not working out, me being a father. And that's why I'm wondering if you and Lois would be willing to adopt the baby.
 * Peter: Uh...Oh, boy, Quagmire. I-I don't know that we can do that. We-We-We can barely take care of the two we have. Now-Now, this is just a suggestion. Just throwing it out there. Have you considered abortion?
 * Quagmire: Uh, Peter, I think it's too late for that.
 * Peter: Oh, don't let the press put the scare into you. Wade v. Boggs has not been overturned.
 * Quagmire: Yeah, but you can't really abort a live baby.
 * Peter: Ho, boy, they have got you. [putting his hand on Quagmire's shoulder] Glenn, Glenn. [whispering] Give her back to God. [remove his hand from Quagmire's shoulder]
 * Quagmire: Peter, I'm going to go ahead and move the conversation forward. Is there any way you guys could take Anna Lee?
 * Peter: No, Quagmire. We got enough kids of our own, plus ol' Brian over there. [Bitch Brian walks in] Right, buddy?
 * Bitch Brian: I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a Band-Aid.


 * [Peter, Quagmire with Anna Lee, and Joe enter the Quahog Adoption Agency]
 * Joe: You're doing the right thing, Quagmire.
 * Peter: All right, Quagmire, just so you're clear on the law, once you give this child up to the adoption agency, you can no longer abort it.
 * [Quagmire walks up to the front counter with Anna Lee]
 * Receptionist: Hello, sir. Do you wish to put this child up for adoption?
 * Quagmire: Yeah. It's not working out. I need to get her out of my hair.
 * Receptionist: Well, we can help you there. Is it a boy or a girl?
 * Quagmire: It's a girl. Her name's Anna Lee.
 * Receptionist: Oh, beautiful name. Let me take her from you.
 * [Quagmire looks at Anna Lee who is also looking at Quagmire, smiling]
 * Joe: Well, go on, Quagmire. Give her the baby.
 * Quagmire: [looking at Anna Lee] I...I will. I...I just...[Anna Lee reaches out for Quagmire, smiling] Oh...[Quagmire hands Anna Lee to the receptionist] Here. She's, uh...She'll go to a good home, right?
 * Receptionist: Oh, yes.
 * Quagmire: She'll be somewhere safe, right? Like, you're not going to put her with sand people, right?
 * Receptionist: You mean like from Star Wars?
 * Quagmire: [laughs] No, no, no, no, no.


 * [Brian is in the kitchen, sitting at the table reading a book, as Bitch Brian comes in holding a God's eye]
 * Bitch Brian: Brian, I didn't know if you wanted a God's eye, but I made you one. [hands the God's eye to Brian]
 * Brian: Uh...[takes the God's eye] Okay, thank you. [sets it on his book] Did you wash my car, like I asked?
 * Bitch Brian: No, but I hit it with a rock.
 * Brian: Okay, thanks.
 * Bitch Brian: Brian, I think my jaw is falling off. [Bitch Brian's lower jaws falls out]
 * Brian: Oh! [jumps out of the chair] Oh, G...Stewie, what is happening to this thing?!
 * Stewie: [walking in] Oh, yeah. Turns out the clones aren't too stable, Brian. I've been having some trouble with mine, too.
 * Bitch Stewie: [walking in with his eyeball dangling out and dragging his left foot] Hey, Stewie, everything sounds like rushing water. And I can't stand up so very good.
 * Stewie: Yeah, I figure they've got less than a minute before they dissolve completely.
 * Bitch Brian: Hey, Brian? Knock-knock.
 * Brian: Who's there?
 * [Bitch Brian farts, then laughs, then dissolves on the ground]
 * Bitch Stewie: Whoa. I hope that doesn't happen to me. [Bitch Stewie then dissolves]
 * Brian: He took my dry cleaning and I have no idea what he did with the ticket
 * Stewie: [walking to the dissolved pile of the clones] Yeah, this was not a fruitful endeavor.
 * Brian: I'm not proud of this, but I need to lick that up.


 * [Peter, Quagmire, and Joe are in the Fuzzy Clam, a strip club, to celebrate Quagmire's freedom from caring for Anna Lee]
 * Peter: This will be great, Quagmire. A nudie bar is the perfect way to celebrate your first night without a baby.
 * Quagmire: Yeah, Peter, this is great. I feel like myself again. I'll tell ya, my life was so dominated by that baby. I'm glad she's gone.
 * Peter: Eh, you know sometimes, you just got to make a decision and go with it. Like when I decided to try that radical penis enlargement.
 * [cutaway to Peter tying a rope around his penis in front of his house with the end of the rope tied to Brian's car with Brian driving it]
 * Brian: Peter, I don't think...
 * Peter: Brian, your objections are duly noted. Now hit the gas!
 * [Brian starts driving, as he moves the ropes gets shorter and then ends with a loud snap. Moments later, both are sitting in the living room, with Peter having a satisfied smile on his face and a massive bulge in his pants]
 * Brian: You know that would never work again in a million years.
 * Peter: Don't need it to, Brian.


 * [Peter, Quagmire, and Joe watching the strippers]
 * Quagmire: Heh. That stripper has a rash on her ass, just like Anna Lee used to get.
 * Peter: Uh, yeah.
 * Quagmire: And that other stripper's sitting on that guy's lap, just like Anna Lee used to do.
 * Peter: I guess.
 * Quagmire: And that stripper only has one tooth, just like Anna Lee.
 * Peter: Quagmire, you feeling okay?
 * Quagmire: I don't know. I think I might have made a terrible mistake. I abandoned my daughter! Why did I give away my only daughter?! [sobbing] Oh...Oh, God.


 * [Quagmire runs from the strip club weeping at the loss of his baby. Joe remarks to Peter that this shouldn't ruin their time]
 * Joe: He'll be fine. We shouldn't let this ruin our night... let's just enjoy the strippers.
 * Peter: I guess. I just hate the way that one gets so into her work.
 * [Camera zooms out to reveal a stripper dressed in slutty teacher's garb, including the glasses, and a ruler]
 * Stripper: You boys have been very naughty. I'm gonna have to assign you extra homework.
 * [Cuts to Peter's dinner table, where him and Joe are writing on pieces of paper, amongst scattered sheets and a stack of textbooks]
 * Peter: Darnit, fractions are so hard. What'd you get for number four?
 * Joe: SHE SAID DON'T SHARE ANSWERS!


 * [Quagmire, Joe and Peter have found the house that adopted Quagmire's daughter and they plan to take her back]
 * Quagmire: Alright here it is 625 Maple, that's the family that adopted Anna Lee.
 * [They walk up the steps towards the house but Joe, being wheelchair bound, finds himself unable to move forward]
 * Joe: Hey... wait, wait, guys! Well its just me and my old nemesis, first step.
 * First Step: [Laughs] Hey Joe, whatcha doin'? You out for a walk?
 * Joe: I hate this block.


 * [after Quagmire sees Anna Lee is happy at her new home and family through the window]
 * Quagmire:: Look at her. She looks so happy. Almost like she belongs there. They look like a real family. I can't take her away from this.
 * Joe: [shouting, off-screen] What's happening?!
 * Peter: [shouting] He's not going to go through with it! It's a nice family and the kid will be better off here!
 * Joe: [shouting, off-screen] Aw, that's sweet! What's the inside of the house look like?!
 * Peter: [shouting] Colonial! Furniture's pretty good! Possibly imported area rug!
 * Joe: [shouting, off-screen] Oh, that's nice! A bit pricey, but for the money you're spending, you know, it's not a bad way to go!
 * Peter: [shouting] Yeah, for the money! [to Quagmire, normal voice] You ready to go, Quagmire?
 * Quagmire: Yeah.
 * [They walk away from the house]
 * Peter: You know, I got to tell you, I think you did a good thing.
 * Quagmire: Well, I guess I just realized it's not about me. This family is what's best for Anna Lee. This is her home now. I got to let her go.
 * Peter: I'm proud of you, Quagmire.
 * Quagmire: Thanks, man. Hey, who knows? Maybe I'll bump into her in 18 years.
 * Peter: What?!
 * Quagmire: Did you really think I was going to change that much? [to the audience, holding his thumbs up] Good night, everybody!