On the Pull

On the Pull is the third episode of the British sitcom Peep Show''. ''It aired on October 3, 2003. Lines in parentheses indicate internal monologues spoken by the characters via voice-over.

Transcript
[Opening credits]

[Mark is shopping in the supermarket]

Mark: (Life's all pain. Pain, rejection and gloom. Why do we even pretend there's anything other than a yawning blankness at the heart of-) [Picks up a can of soup] (Hey! 33% extra free. I am doing excellent shopping. My depressed state of mind means I am being even more frugal than normal.)

[Jez joins him]

Jez: Mark!

Mark: Hey Jeremy.

Jez: You do realize tinned food is just for crackheads and wars. [Picks up a bottle of oil]

Mark: Oh no, mate. This stuff is 78 pence a 100 millilitres. [Puts the oil back]

Jez: Yeah, it's first pressing, or do you want to wait until everyone else has had their fun with the olives. Fourth pressing, yeah, like that's going to be a party in your mouth. I don't think.

Mark: Look Jeremy, we've been through this before. I do the joint shopping solo because I don't make impulse purchases and I'm less swayed by the power of-

Jez: Mark! I'm not shopping. I just came here to tell you we've been invited to a very wicked party.

Mark: Do I look like the kind of man who goes to wicked parties? Why don't you ask Toni?

Jez: Did actually but she said no. But it's better this way, two lads, we gotta get out there, grooving, doing it, you know? It's been a long time for either of us. I haven't had my oats in something like, two weeks! (Nine months and thirteen days.) I mean look at us! [Holds up a box of tissues] People are gonna think we spend the whole day wanking.

Mark: Don't be ridiculous, they're homey. They're for wiping up mess.

Jez: Yeah, man mess. Why do you think they're called "man size?"

Mark: Well they're for men! Men's noses, big manly snot. [Puts two cans of beer in his trolley]

Jez: Oh Mark, come on man, let it go.

Mark: What? Why do you have to have a huge can of lager that makes you really really drunk? What's wrong with moderation?

Jez: Yeah but what if you want to get Sophie back home? You might want to get all lathered up.

Mark: That's not going to be happening any time soon.

Jez: Shit. Did you?

Mark: Mm-hm.

Jez: And she?

[Flashback to Mark and Sophie at work]

Mark: I mean it's not a date or anything because I've got a megapass. How do you feel about Row G by the way?

Sophie: Tonight?

Mark: Yeah, I though-

Sophie: Oh, Mark, listen, I'm sorry, I'd love to but... I've got this thing.

[Cuts back to present]

Jez: Oh man I'm... but listen, this is the perfect time to get back in the game. You know, two guys, together, out, looking for... it.

Mark: No, thank you. How much pain can I experience at home with a spaghetti carbonara and Das Boot.

Jez: It's 8 o' clock on a Friday night. Most people aren't doing there shopping now yeah? Most people are out right now, yeah?

Mark: That's right. No queues, so who exactly is winning then?

[At the party; Mark sits down on the sofa with his shopping]

Mark: (OK, well, I'm here, so I'll just sit here and drink. No one can stop me doing that. Just drink myself to death.) [Looking at Jez, who is talking with two girls] (I bet he gets sex tonight and I have to listen to it through the wall. Maybe she might go to the bathroom and accidentally come into my room. And then what? She fucks you? No, she says "whoops" and goes out. Stop doing this to yourself.)

Jez: So, safe party. Super safe! (OK, OK, playing it cool? All right, how about I go a little Oscar Wilde on your ass?) So I always go for the first pressing. I mean why wait until everyone else has had their fun with the olives. Right? (What's her problem? This is the 21st Century. Olive oil is a perfectly acceptable topic.)

[Mark is in the bathroom examining the medicine cabinet.]

Mark: (Someone here's got psoriasis, one of the less common skin ailments. Basic yeast infection, rash if you're thinking glamorous, athlete's foot if you're not. A fellow migraine sufferer? Everyone at this party isn't as young, fit or single as they're making out. Yes let's face it, we're all falling apart piece by piece. Doesn't matter if you're single or in a couple. You. Are. Going. To. Die.)

[Back at the party, Mark is putting his shopping in the freezer.]

Mark: Frozen stuff. I don't want them to thaw.

Valerie: Hey! You got Findus Crispy Pancakes. I love them! They're just so... disgusting, aren't they?

Mark: Yeah!

Valerie: So my sister, who's a smackhead. I ended up there for Christmas dinner and we had turkey Findus Crispy Pancakes. That was Christmas dinner. I wanted to kill myself!

Mark: That would be the natural reaction.

Valerie: Can I have a jam doughnut?

Mark: Yeah, sure.

Valerie: So who exactly are you trying to bone tonight?

Mark: Oh I'm not in the game. If I can get my shopping home intact, I'll be happy.

Valerie: Just like, be honest about it, you know. I mean, let's line up, two naked rows, best-looking people can pick the best-looking, the dregs get the dregs and we can all just go home early and get it over with.

Mark: That, to me, is a very attractive system you're proposing.

Valerie: And it saves them having to humiliate themselves. I mean, check out this guy. [They look at Jez dancing badly]

Jez: (This is great. Knew this would pay off. Talking's bullshit. "Yeah, I did this", "I go there".) [Another man starts dancing with the girl he's dancing with.] (OK, there's a new guy in town. Probably just a friend. Yeah, me, her and her friend. Quite nice actually.) [The man moves Jez out of the way and continues dancing.] (Hey! That's a foul. Fuck! God, she must be loving this. I feel so cheap. I really thought we had something.)

[Mark and Valerie are talking on the sofa.]

Valerie: So you work in an office and you've got, like, your computer and your desk. God, that is so fucking weird!

Mark: Yeah, well you know, everything's decaying, so the way I see it. Has there ever been a better time to save of for a very comfortable sofa? (She's a teenager for God's sake, Mark. You'll get castrated by the menfolk. Maybe she's a - Oh, God.)

Valerie's Brother: Hey! Love the suit. Are you selling insurance? No need to look like you're sitting on a brush, man, we're only razzing you. We are the mods!

Friend: We are the mods!

Valerie's Brother: We are we are we are the mods!

Valerie: My brother is such a dickhead. I wish he was dead.

Mark: Oh that's a bit much. Just pretend you need his bone marrow. Apparently that's agony.