The Wettest Stories Ever Told

(SINGING) The Simpsons

(TIRES SCREECHING)

D'oh!

(EXCLAIMS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Homer: D'oh!

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, when is our food going to get here?

I'm starved!

I'm so bored, I figured out where the wallpaper pattern repeats.

See, it goes ship's wheel, Popeye tattoo, Gilligan hat fish with boobs and back to ship's wheel.

Lisa: What about this swordfish?

Oh, my life's work ruined!

Arr, sorry about the delay.

The chef is having a bit of a problem with tonight's special.

(GRUNTS)

Meanwhile, I can send a busboy out to get you something from a better restaurant.

Red Lobster?

Not that good.

(ALL GROANING)

Until then, perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time.

(PUFFS)

Too bad I don't know any.

I know one about the most important sea voyage in American history, the journey of the Mayflower.

Ah, yes, the ship that brought prostitutes to America.

Not prostitutes, protestants.

Now who's being naive?

The year was 1620.

Hurry, my little puritans.

We must flee England and its insufficiently puritanical ways.

Do you have your shipboard entertainments?

I've got my toy wood lump.

(GRUNTS)

What jolly fun.

(BELL CLANGING)

Finally, we shall bid good-bye to England and its drunken, decadent sinners.

Homer: Oh!

Out of my way, you God-fearing buckleheads!

(MAN GROANS)

(SHRIEKS)

(GRUNTS)

Hide me!

Please, you got to help me.

If they find me, they'll kill me.

(Lenny) Has anyone seen this knave?

He's wanted for daring to question why we call this the Jacobean era when the king's name is James and not Jacob.

(PRAYING) Oh, Lord, I beseech you...

Mother, we must protect him.

Look, he's praying.

Oh, Lord, please let the soldiers kill this family instead of me.

Noble sir, you may accompany us to America in my late husband's clothing.

And I will make thee a hat from construction paper.

So thou art a widow, eh?

Then the codpiece holds no terrors for thee.

Good sir, I do not approve of your fleshly gaze.

Hmm.

(PANTING)

Oh, baby.

Hmm.

(Man 1) Goodbye!

(Man 2) Don't come back!

(ALL PRAYING)

What kind of a booze cruise is this?

Where's the hooch?

(CHUCKLES) We puritans have no place for drunkenness.

Or colorful clothes or dreaming or poetry.

So if you write a sonnet, keep it under your bonnet.

(GASPS) Oh, no! That was a poem!

(WHIPS)

Forgive me, Lord!

Then pour a little salt in the wounds.

(GROANS)

And I'm good.

I see you met our devout leader Ned Flandish.

Stupid Flandish.

Uh, listen, since all the other fun stuff is out of bounds, how about a little Bible-thumping in the crow's nest?

What do you say, Miss...

Constance Prudence Chastity Goodfaith. D'oh!

My friends call me Marge.

Oh. Marge Obedience Temperance Sexwon't.

D'oh!

Back off, newbie! We're engaged.

I didn't kill her husband just so...

I mean, I... ldidn't kill her husband.

We're not engaged.

Uh, it's really more of an amiable concordance.

Oh! (CLICKS TONGUE)

Such language from a woman.

(GASPS) Oh, no! I just thought of you as a woman!

(GRUNTS)

Lord, we thank you for the many ways you show your love.

The sun which bakes our lips to the point of bleeding, (CHUCKLES) and your hilarious idea to surround us with water that would kill us if we drank it.

Now I've got to warn you, even for this day and age, I'm considered a bad husband.

She's going to marry him 'cause he wears boots instead of blackening his feet.

(SOBS)

Well, I'm sure the way to win her heart is to be fat and crying.

Why, thee little...

(CHOKES)

(GRUNTS)

D'oh!

Oh, don't stop.

You're choking him just the way his father used to.

Marge: Good times.

(SIGHS) Ooh.

Perhaps thou wouldst make a good father.

May I escort you to the railing'?

(HUMMING)

Oh, my God. Look at that hand-on-hand action.

If I don't do something, soon they'll be exchanging pleasantries.

Yes, the weather is fair.

Man! That guy sends my humors from sanguine to bilious!

That's how we talk. Weird, huh?

Time to think of a plan most sneaky.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I'm throwing a little party tonight to celebrate that only half of us have died so far.

(SPLASHES)

Beer? I thought you guys didn't drink on the Gayflower?

Stop calling it that! Whatever.

I was saving this booze to mess up the lndians, but seeing what good pals we are, I wanted to give you a taste.

Say, I know a good drinking game.

Take a sip every time a wave hits the ship.

(GULPS)

Oh, you're good at this.

Oh, Lord, thank you for this generous rain and abundant lightning.

(LIGHTNING CRACKS)

(GROANS)

Obviously, kissing your ass is getting me nowhere.

This storm's blowing us off course.

And where's our crew?

I'll show you where they are.

You don't want to miss this, Marge.

(Men) (CHANTING) Sin, sin, sin!

(Ned) (GASPS) Horseplay? Roughhousing'?

Horsehousing?

And here's the knave what's responsible.

(DRUNKEN LAUGH)

That's all I needed to hear.

(GROANS)

Homer, I can't believe I was thinking of letting you touch my elbow through a cloth.

But, baby, a man has needs.

(RUMBLING)

(ALL PANICKING)

(THUDS)

(GROANS)

Our captain's be-head-bumped.

Oh, I guess we'll never make it to the new world.

Oh, when we landed I was going to denounce my sister as a witch.

I keep telling you the ability to add two-digit numbers is not witchcraft.

Thirty-one plus forty-three? Seventy-four.

(All) Witch, witch, witch!

People, this is madness!

We can burn the witch later.

Right now I've got to save this ship.

(All) Hmm.

Hey, I've been driving drunk since I was 12.

But first, who's going to help me pee?

They're looking at me 'cause I have the key to the stocks.

(WAVES CRASHING)

(GRUNTS)

Don't worry, Marge.

I'll see to it you fundamentalist Christians live to take over all America by the 21st century.

Look! An albatross. It can lead us to safety.

Man, that bird did it all.

Good guy.

(CHUCKLES) I just thought of a name for where we're going.

New England.

Oh, that's real creative.

What do you call your foot, "new hand"?

At least I'm pitching.

(KISSING)

Land, ho!

What did you call me?

(MOANING)

Great chief Wig-Gum, we could never have survived our first year in the new world without you.

I almost regret what we Europeans are going to do to you.

What, what are you going to do?

Oh, give you the biggest slice of pumpkin pie.

Also we're going to take your land and wipe you out.

Who wants whipped topping?

Here's your bill. And will there be anything else?

We haven't gotten our food yet.

I'll look into it.

(Old sea captain) What the...

(CHUCKLES)

Who else has a story? I do.

Homer, you can tell the third story.

Bart will tell the second, which is usually the weakest.

Hey!

I'm just trying to take the pressure off of you.

Well, one time I read this boring comic book about a ship called the Bounty.

Ooh, like the paper towels.

Go on.

(Boy) Hurry up.

Captain Bligh, there's a message from admiral Nelson.

Thank you, Mr. Christian.

Mmm-hmm.

"Bligh eats dolphin boogers."

(Nelson) Ha-ha!

Well, when you eat as much dolphin as I do there's bound to be a booger or two in the mix.

Good morning, crew.

Welcome to day 718 of our voyage.

Today's announcements.

First of all, in an effort to save water, you will no longer be given any water.

And because of a drawing of myself having romantic congress with a merman...

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

(Captain Bligh) I am dumping all your mail from home into the sea.

(GRUNTS)

And I can assure you there were cookies in there.

Good cookies.

The kind only a loving mother or Milhouse's father could make.

My father's alive?

No, he died while baking.

It's all in the letter.

(ALL GRUMBLING)

I'm getting pretty tired of that seawad.

This is nothing like the recruiting brochure.

Hmm. Hmm.

Maybe that's what happens on the last day.

I warn you, Captain.

Push this crew too far and there'll be mutiny.

Mutiny? On the Bounty?

(CHUCKLES)

What have you been smoking?

Opium. Besides that.

Welcome to our tropical paradise.

Enjoy our luaus, our lagoons, and our ladies.

And remember, what happens in Tahiti stays in Tahiti.

Because we have no way of communicating with the outside world.

Tell me, has Robert Fulton invented the steamboat yet?

Any day now.

Ooh.

Hip, hip.

Hip, hip.

Hip, hip.

When you're on a holiday.

You can't find the words to say

I'm telling you, I don't look like that.

Make another.

(SIGHS) Yes, Lord Ugly-face.

And I wanna feel it too

Don't just sit there, help me!

We'll be playing and having fun

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Thanks for staying with us.

We appreciate you putting cloth over our women's boobies.

You'll receive an updated bill after you leave. Bye-bye.

I wish we were back in Tahiti.

Why, yes, it was truly an unforgettable vacation.

I order you to forget it.

(ALL GRUMBLING)

And while you're working, I want to hear a sea chantey...

In a round.

(ALL SINGING) Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream

(GUNSHOT) Rounder! I hear edges!

Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream.

Ow! You're off-key.

(GROANS) Make that song your own.

You don't sound like you've ever been on a boat in your life.

(GUNS COOKING)

What the...

Captain, this is a mutiny.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Let's not be hasty here.

What if I introduce a suggestion box?

We have a suggestion box.

You made it from the head of the last guy who had a suggestion.

Yeah, but... I...

I warned you there'd be mutiny.

Just start rowing, Willie.

And sing a round while you do.

(SINGING) Row, row, row your boat gently.

Row, row, merrily, merrily Bound the down gently down the...

Merrily down the...

I cannot do it!

I'm only one man.

You'll sing or you'll mutiny.

And you're too much of a spineless coward for that.

Swim faster or I'll have you made into soup.

What are you going to do, go underwater?

(LAUGHS) I'd like to see that.

Ahhh!

You call this deep?

This is your new captain saying, "Next stop, Tahiti."

(ALL CHEERING)

And we're going to remove all evidence of the previous regime, starting with this stupid wheel.

(GRUNTS)

(SPLASHES)

Uh-oh.

Ahhh!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Well, I know you had your doubts, men, but there they are, the most beautiful women in the world.

(PENGUINS SCREECHING)

Those are penguins.

Well, look at it this way. We're going to discover the North Pole.

South Pole.

(Christian) Oh, boy, do I suck.

(Jimbo) Yeah.

(SIGHS) I'm starting to think the Sea Captain isn't coming back.

He's out there playing basketball.

(GRUNTS) Arr.

(LAUGHS)

In your face, Julio.

I'll be fetching your food right away.

Six more games.

Well, I guess we have time for my tale of moist adventure.

It takes place in a dark time for mankind when madness and ignorance ruled.

The 1970s.

Rock the boat Don't rock the boat, baby.

Rock the boat Don't tip the boat over.

Rock the boat Don't rock the boat, baby

Disco Stu has some troubling news.

(INDISTINCT MURMURS)

The ship's doctor has reported an outbreak of...

Disco fever!

The only cure is to do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight.

Wait a minute. What was the second one?

And now let's welcome the LeRoy Neiman of seamen, your captain, Montgomery Burns.

(APPLAUSE)

Ten-four, good buddy.

I'm Chevy Chase and you're not.

Willy Stargell!

Yes, welcome to the maiden voyage of the Neptune, the world's most unflippable luxury liner.

Help yourselves to some pineapple upside-down cake and apple turnovers.

And you'll all be getting free hats, so make sure to give us your cap size!

What a fascinating cross-section of humanity.

You've got the lonely, but lovable loser...

Hello, Angels.

Your mission today involves going undercover at a wet t-shirt contest.

Just get you wet...

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, maybe not so lovable.

And you've got the elderly Jewish couple making their first trip to lsrael.

Our son, Shlomo is working on a kibbutz in Haifa.

We're schlepping him some kreplach.

We're Jewish, all right!

What's our back story? What's our back story?

We're the band. And we're on!

(SINGING) I think we're heading for disaster.

And most of you will not be saved.

Unless the captain is attentive.

We'll all be crushed by a huge wave

Mmm, I love the sea, Smithers.

No earthquakes, towering infernos, China syndromes, apple dumpling gangs...

(WAVES CRASHING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS) My wig! I mean, my natural hair!

Mamma mia! What a time to be carrying the soup.

Whoa!

Cool! No gravity!

Oh, there it is.

(SCREAMS)

Hey, you schmuck, get off of me!

Oh.

Goin' out with a sight gag.

Nice.

(GROANS)

(SCREAMING)

I got an idea. Climb into my mouth.

(WHIMPERS)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

No!

Catch me, Flanders!

(SCREAMS)

Lord, with you watching over me, I shall feel no pain.

(SCREAMS)

(SIGHS)

Woo-hoo! It's almost New Year's!

(COUNTING) Ten, nine, eight...

Homer, the ship's upside down and hundreds of people are dead!

...three, two, one...

Happy New Year!

(BLOWS)

My resolution is to be more fun.

Attention, everyone! I've spent the entire cruise reading these maintenance brochures because as a lonely single woman, I've had nothing better to do.

(All) Aw.

"Aw"s are cheap. I'm lookin' for some action.

(ALL WHISTLING)

I thought so.

It says here we should head upwards towards the hull before the ocean starts filling the ship.

Don't listen to her! She'll get us all killed!

The safest thing to do is to resume our normal activities.

Now where is the rumba instructor?

Okay, so that's left, left, right. Come on, people!

(VOCALIZING)

So, now which way do we go in this farkaktah flippity ship?

(GROWLS)

Homer, what should we do?

Homer: Uh, give me a second. I'm in the bathroom.

What? I have great ass suction.

Now, how about a little privacy?

(KEYS JANGLING) My keys!

Whatever you do, don't look down. I mean up!

(PANTING) I can't do this anymore. It's too confusing!

Ahhh!

Not that confusing.

This hatchway is jammed!

Move aside!

I'll use my Swiss Army Bone.

(GRUNTS)

(METAL CREAKS)

Okay, the engine room is just through this flooded area.

Somebody has to take the rope, swim through to the other side and tie it off so we can use it as an underwater guideline.

Stand aside!

I shall perform the necessary heroics. Thank you.

You? Yes.

All I need is some inspirational music...

(CLICKS)

When she passed away.

I cried and cried all day.

Alone again Naturally

(SOBBING)

All right, I can see this is all up to me.

(GRUNTS)

Swim, fatty! Swim!

Oh, Homie! You did it.

(GASPS)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Mmm. (GULPS)

(GRUNTS)

I've tied it off.

You're all going to make it.

(GROANS)

Tell the world that I saved you all.

Don't tell me what to do.

(KNOCKING)

I hear knocking. We're saved!

(SCREAMS)

I don't know which pains me more.

The flame or the irony!

(GROANS)

Can you believe it's the irony?

Oh, my God, our boat is upside-down.

(BELL CLANGS)

You guys know the way to Tahiti?

Way to go, genius!

You sailed into someone else's tale of the sea.

At least I'm not gay for skeleton Kearney.

Our ribs got tangled 75 years ago.

That's not gay.

(Christian) Right. You keep believing that.