The Lastest Gun in the West

A-ha! A free baseball! (GASPS) A shiny new dime! A shinier new dime! Excuse me. My refrigeration unit is broken. Could you possibly eat some free ice cream? What flavor? Why, super chocolate, of course. Oh, yes! This day just keeps getting better and better. And here's a new four-legged friend for me. Hiya, boy. Haven't seen you around here before. (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) (BARKING) (PANTING) (SIGHS) (GROWLING) Mom! A dog ate my clothes! Marge: Nice try, but we're still going to Riverdance. D'oh! You know that new baby brother Ralph's been bragging about? It's just a pinecone. (BOTH SNIGGERING) (CHUCKLING) (CHUCKLING) (GROWLING) (BART SCREAMING) Let's go where it's quiet. Bart: Help! Isn't that your brother? I said, let's go. Eh, I'm sick of this Tarzan movie. Dad, it's a documentary on the homeless. Oh, right. (GULPING) A crazy dog's trying to kill me! Really? Ooh! This I gotta see. (WHIMPERING) Oh, he just wants to make friends. Ooh! Who's a good dog? What a goody doggie! (BABY TALK) He just a googie... So, Bart, when does the killing start? (BABY TALK CONTINUES) (GROANING) (GROWLS) (SCREAMS) (BABY TALK) (GROWLS) Look, Bart, sometimes dogs or people hate you for no reason. (GROWLING CONTINUES) (GULPS) (SIGHS) (GROWLS) (BART SCREAMING) (DOG BARKING) Bart's a goner. Anyone want to be my new best friend? I will! Great! Finally, I'll be the dominant one. Be quiet. Yes, sir. (PANTING) Ha-ha! Bart's family is poor! (ALL LAUGHING) (EXCLAIMS) Marge: Hurry up, Bart, or you'll be late to be killed by the dog! What? I said you'll be late for school! (SHUDDERING) (GRUNTS) (GROWLING) Eat my short stories! (DOG BARKING) (BARKING CONTINUES) (GROANING) Phew! Safe at last! Now, I'll just turn around and confirm that safety. (SCREAMING) Hey, wait a minute. These animals are stuffed. (EXCLAIMS) Except that one. (WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING) Don't worry about these critters. They're just props from my movies. This one's from Gunfight at the Museum of Natural History. You were in movies? Hold onto your hat, son. You're talking to Buck McCoy. Who? (CHUCKLING) Yeah, that's right. Buck McCoy. The most famous movie cowboy in the world. No kidding. Anyway, I climbed over your gate. A dog was after me. I'll show you a trick that you can use on dogs. Also worked on David O. Selznick. Who? (CHUCKLES) Yeah, that's right. The David O. Selznick. (GROWLING) Whoa! Keep him away from me! Trust me, son. You'll be fine. Now, lean down and put your arms across his neck. (GROWLING CONTINUES) (WHIMPERING) Whoa! It worked! Where did you learn that? Ah, you pick things up. Do you know how to catch a wild boar with a teaspoon? No! Well, what do you kids do all day? Well, right now I'm supposed to be in school. School? Huh! Why bother? I quit after fourth grade, and I ain't not no un-dummy. (WHISTLING) It's like you're living in a steakhouse! Well, thank you. Most people just mutter that. (VACUUM WHIRRING) Is that horse vacuuming? If you can call it that. He soils as much as he cleans. Frank the Wonder Horse was in 24 of my pictures. And directed one. And he got the "film by" credit. (BELL DINGS) 5:00? I better get home for dinner. Well, come back anytime, pardner. To the laundry room! (HORSE WHINNYING) (URGING HORSE) Here we are. (HORSE SNORTING) Hi, honey. Where's that vicious dog? I made him a biscuit. Oh, he's not bothering me anymore. Buck McCoy helped me. Buck McCoy? He was the greatest of them all! He was bigger than opium! I met one of my heroes today. She started the first... Buck McCoy! I still carry this. Junior Buckaroo, 2nd Class. Little Grampa Simpson. Cool! After that I starred in Wyatt Earp Meets The Mummy. Then Six Brides For Seven Brothers. They were pictures that the whole family could enjoy. No drugs, no nudity, no cussing. Just drinking, fighting and tripping horses with wires. What's this lunchbox made of? Well, back in my day, we had a thing called metal. Everything was made of it. Lunchboxes, cars, you name it. Me-tal. Hey, can you still do cowboy tricks? Well, here's one I did in The Wild Lunch. Everything tastes better when it's lassoed! Would you lasso me a banana? Now how the hell would I do that? I guess you're not going to have an adventure this week. Huh. Just you wait. Hey, boy, where'd you get that hat? Buck gave it to me. He's just about the greatest guy who ever lived. I want to grow up to be just like him. No kidding? Hey, speaking of achievers, they're thinking of spraying your old man's workspace for ticks. That's great, champ. I know you've been wanting that. Well, got to mosey, Homer. Ma'am. Bart sure is fond of that cow gentleman. It's just not fair. This Buck fellow's had all the advantages. Horse-riding lessons, the finest makeup, delicious studio food. Oh, Homie, you'll always be my western hero. Swell. I can't wait till I get good. (HORSE WHINNYING) Buck's here! Dad, why are you wearing that? Because I want to be your hero. On top of which, I don't look bald. Thanks for coming, Mr. McCoy. We cooked your favorites. Rattlesnake meat, varmint kabobs and refried whiskey. I like the sound of that last one. Don't listen to them, Buck! It's an ambush! They're trying to jump your claim! Take him outside. I love you, Buck! Gee, Buck, your old films are as violent as today's! One of the wheels broke off my chair today, but I didn't make a movie about it. (SHUSHES) In the '50s, I did a TV show. It only lasted a year, but we did 360 episodes, all of them great. I did the commercials myself. Remember kids, Drunken Cowboy brand whiskey is smooth as milk! I'm not sure I approve of selling whiskey to children. Well, that ad was aimed at children who were already heavy drinkers. Oh! Announcer: Tonight's episode... "Excuse Me While I Kill The Sky." Why are you driving a car? (CHUCKLING) Yeah, in the '70s, Westerns were out and detective shows were in. It seems like all I did was shoot hippies. They wrote me out of the show and it became Room 222. So that's how you ended your career? Yeah, well, what can you do? The Western went the way of the evening newspaper and polio. Well, I think Westerns are due for a comeback. Yeah! We can have showdowns at the schoolyard and use nerds as Indians. (SHUDDERS) (PLAYING UPBEAT SONG) Bart, you look so cool. (IN SOUTHERN DRAWL) I was thinking this could be a new fad. What about Hawaiian shirts? Hey, you're not fun, you're fat! Now, listen up. When I come back tomorrow, you better have cowboy suits, and they better be adorable. (TOY GUNS FIRING) This is Kent Brockman here at Springfield Elementary, where a new Western craze is sweeping the campus. I'm Annie Oakley! I'm Kevin Costner in one of his Western roles! I'm a gulch! So I guess you could say this barely qualifies as news. I'm Kent Brockman. (SNORTING) (SINGING) Oh, give me land Lots of land. Under starry skies above (ALL SINGING) Don't fence me in. Sir, you cannot pee. Unless you are an employee (SINGING) Can't keep it in (ZIPPER UNZIPPING) (HOMER SIGHING) Krusty, how do you feel about putting Buck McCoy on your show? Pass! We also represent Billy Joel. Who's the first one again? Buck McCoy. Forget it! I'm not putting some Western star on just 'cause it's the flavor of the month. I want my show to have a timeless quality. Here's your hanging chad sketch, Krusty. (LAUGHING) Oh, good, you worked in Judge lto. Please put Buck on! He's my hero! Plus, he'll work for scale. Scale minus 10. I ain't going on some clown show. I'm retired. No one expects you to do anything difficult. They understand you're too old. Listen, missy. The last two city-slickers who used reverse psychology on me are pushing up daisies. They're dead? No, they just got lousy jobs. You know what? I bet he can't even fit into his old costume. I can't, huh? You two wait right here. Let's see, Texas or Massachusetts? Texas. I like the way you think. (BUZZING) (WHISTLING) Boy, that's some fancy shooting. Oh, I've seen fancier. Ooh! Right in the panhandle! (CHUCKLES) Write that down. Buck, this is a real honor. I grew up watching your horse operas down at the Bijou. (LAUGHING) Yeah, things sure have changed since the '50s. I don't care. You know, it's been a long time since I performed live. You'll do fine. Just remember, there'll be millions of people watching you. Millions! And TV Guide's Cheers and Jeers editor. And he's already given out all his cheers. (GULPING) Announcer: Live from the corner of Zany Avenue and Martin Luther King Boulevard, it's The Krusty the Klown Show, with special guest Buck McCoy. And now, here's Krusty! We've got such a great show tonight. I won't be doing a monologue because my feet hurt. And now our opening sketch. (TEENY CHIRPING) We don't take kindly to transvestite chimpanzees here in Pine Corners! (LAUGHING) No one can save you now! (DRUMROLL) I said, no one can save you now! Shut up! I'm coming! (GULPING) Oh! Like you're so perfect with your plastic mane and your painted-on spot. What's real on you? Nothing! He's drunk! I've seen drunker. Oh, right, yeah, the guns. (GRUNTS) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) We're free! (SCREAMING) These hilarious health professionals will cut me out of my clothes after this commercial. (SIGHS) What happened, Buck? Did I forget to mention I'm an alcoholic? (BOTH GASPING) (GULPS) For shame. This is horrible. My spit-takes all have blood in them. Look, I'm really sorry. Sorry doesn't suture my colon! And you're off my show forever! (SIGHS) Bart, I couldn't help noticing Buck is a total fraud, so I took the liberty of creating a new hero for your wall. (HOMER GROWLING SENSUALLY) That is just grotesque. I thought if you were looking to worship someone, maybe it could be your old man. Eh. We could try it. Yes! (SIGHING) My son lost his hero. This should be the greatest night of my life. How come I'm not happy? You care about Bart's feelings. Stop saying that! I think we should try to restore Bart's faith in Buck, and we could start by getting Buck to quit drinking. Look I'm sorry I let your son down, but I'm too old to change. Oh, listen to you!