Of Ice and Men

Grandpa Klaus! I just came by to tell you one of my funny bedtime stories. Oh, tell me the one about how people used to believe in the Bible! Another time. No, this is the tale of Stan Smith a man with a winter secret. Ah, Saturday Sunday's Friday. Let's pack a picnic and go shoot rats in the junkyard. Sounds great. And afterwards, we can stop by the Stan, are you okay? There it was. She knew exactly what it meant. From the first snowflake to the first thaw, Stan would become aloof, withdrawn, mysterious. Oh, Stan - Can't this year be different? - No I have to be alone. Francine cried and cried. And so what was a season of joy for most couples was a season of solitary despair for poor Francine. God, it's freezing in here. Why is the door open? Oh, Hayleykins, this snow reminds me of my planet so. It's starting again. Your dad went out in the middle of the night, and he hasn't come home. Where do you think he goes? No idea. But ask me if I want a mimosa. That's a question I can answer. Oh, my God, Stan, you're bleeding! Where have you been?! Sorry, that's for me to know and you to find out. But I never want you to find out. So it's just for me to know. Stan, I'm your wife. If something's wrong, I want to help you. Oh, so by that logic, if something is right, you'll want to hinder me. Great, Francine. Real quality wife-ing. Okay, here's the shot : you have to bounce the ball twice and toss it accurately enough to hit the netting or metal ring. That must be the Russian binoculars we ordered! Package for Steve Smith. Sign here. Wait, this crate is way too big for binoculars. Oh, is it? I guess you know a lot about crates. Hey, good news, Sid, we got ourselves a regular crate expert. Little kid's gonna tell me all about crates! Professor Crate over here! All right, all right, I'll sign. He's right, you know. You have been kind of a jerk since you read that book about crates. Are you Steve, Toshi, Barry and Snot? I am your Russian bride. These are the best binoculars ever! Wait, someone accidentally ordered a woman in the mail? Grandpa, is this the same story? No, it is a little side story. I'm using it to break up the main story so you don't get bored. - Are we part of the story, Grandpa? - Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, we are a framing device. Anyway Francine's curiosity finally got the best of her. She had to uncover Stan's secret. Stan? I must be losing it. Password accepted. Maria. I just thought you quit without giving notice. Stop, maiden woman! No further shall ye venture without the password. Ugh! What in God's name is wrong with you? I thought that was the password. It's not a word. It's a terrible, terrible abomination. Oh, I'm so sorry. It's just - See, I'm Stan's wife, and he - Oh, you're Francine! I'm Clifford. Stan hired me to guard this passage. Yes, I've been down here quite a while. He owes me something like $42,000. He said he's putting it into an account for me. Is that, um is that true? Oh, we don't discuss finances. I just make the dinner. Oh, no, no, no, it's fine, it's fine. I'm sure he's good for it. It's just my girlfriend wanted me to say something 'cause we're trying to get a place together and, you know, move out of this tunnel. Um, yeah, if you just keep going down the way you're going, exactly. - Francine followed her husband at a - He's a superhero?! You know, every time you interrupt someone, your *** gets a little shorter. Francine followed her husband at a safe distance. But nothing could have prepared her for what she was about to see. My God. He's a figure skater! You've been sneaking out for the last 20 winters to ice skate? How come you never told me? How can you tell someone you love you're a monster? I don't understand. Francine, a long time ago, I hurt someone. I hurt her very, very badly. We were competing in the Southeast Figure Skating Regionals. My partner wasn't as strong a skater as I was, but it was the Regionals, and I wanted to win more than anything. I had to pull out all the stops. You suck! - She never skated again. - Oh, God, Stan, that's horrible. But it was an accident. That doesn't make you a monster. Having bulbous eyes and leathery skin and scary teeth makes you a monster. Brett Butler is a monster. I am a monster, Francine. Winning was more important to me than my own partner's safety. Since that terrible day, I've been damned to skate with the only partner I deserve loneliness. Well, I'll skate with you. It'll be fun. Fun?! Does it look like fun to speed and twirl about the ice to your favorite song in a magnificent costume?! Well, yeah, actually, it does. - I envy your innocence. - Come on, Stan. Let me show you how much fun ice skating can be. It's too dangerous. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt you. You won't hurt me. Come on, isn't it time we spent one winter together? Well All right, let's do it. First thing we'll need to do is raise $80 to buy you a costume. We could put on a show or raffle off a microwave, or But I have $80. Oh. Okay, then. And so Francine nursed Stan's wounded soul back to life. Little by little, with love and support, she made skating fun for Stan. It was their first real winter together, and she was truly happy. Having a Russian bride sure has it's advantages. I'll say. Now that Coach saw me with Svetlana, maybe he'll finally believe I'm heterosexual and let me towel myself off. Steve, I noticed you weren't rooting through my garbage this morning. That was the old me, Lacy. Now that I have Svetlana, your discarded Q-tips have lost their allure. Thanks to Francine, Stan was no longer haunted by his past, which made life better for him and everyone around him. Klaus, your scales are especially shiny today, my friend. - Thank you for noticing. - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - You were a fish? - Oh, yeah, that. But Stan, he was a new man, and he Hold on a second. You were a fish. Don't you think that's a better story than two grown-ups ice skating? I was also roommates with Rick Schroeder. You want to hear about that? Yeah! Okay. Rick Schroeder sucks. He just he he just sucks. He sucks so hard. Rick Schroed uses women. The end. Anyway, back to the skating story. Francine, if we order DirecTV now, we get the Tennis Channel for just pennies a day! And Shirley's standing by to help us! - Forget it. - Shirley?! What did you do?! It so nice to finally spend a normal winter with my husband. I always thought people ice skated to escape their haunted pasts, but now I know it's just fun. That Peanuts Christmas special finally makes sense. Snoopy wasn't running from a painful memory. He was just a happy dog on skates! I'm glad you feel that way, because I entered us in a little couples' competition down at the rink. It's gonna be so much fun. Yeah, fun. Ooh, Staniel, I know that look. What's wrong, chief? I can't skate in this competition. Oh, yeah, Francine told me all about your partner's injury. - But you're past that. - I didn't tell her the whole story. No, of course not. No one ever does. My partner was down, but a little fall wasn't going to destroy my dream. I knew if my partner had been the conscious one, she would have done the same for me. I probably should have taken her to the hospital, but I was so competitive, I couldn't accept we'd lost. So I drove us 90 miles to contest the results with the National Figure Skating Association. Hey! You're not supposed to fall asleep with a concussion! Here. We can jam out to this. Warner Books on tape presents : John Houseman reading "Elements of Style." Chapter one : forming the possessive singular of nouns by adding apostrophe "S." All right! But it was all for nothing. The Association refused to change our score. Wow, Stan, you have a real problem with competition. There's no way you can enter that contest. You're right. I'm not going to put my wife's life in danger just for a set of wigs. Come again? - The prize is a lousy set of wigs. - The prize is a set of wigs? Yes. Wigs you'd probably just put in the attic and never check on to see if anyone were playing with them or borrowing them to audition for the community theater? Exactly. Stan, you've gotta skate in this competition. For Francine. - She hasn't been this happy in ages. - But - you just said I shouldn't - That was a test. You failed. God, you're selfish. Bad Stan. Oh, oh, I meant to say, "Bad Stan" and then slap you. Bad Stan. I don't know, I like it both ways. Und so Stan fought his competitive urges as long as he could, but it was a losing battle. And now give me an RBO Choctaw. I'm sorry, is that the one where? It's a simple footwork sequence going from your right, outer edge skating backward to your left, inner edge skating forward. Damn it, Francine, what's so hard about doing it flawlessly the first time? Ugh. She's as graceful as a frozen ***. Don't worry, babies, help is on the way. Can you guys believe it? We're about to skinny-dip with Svetlana. I've never seen a naked woman before. There's no shame in that, Snot. In fact, now that we're about to see one, I can admit that my story about the naked lady who drove me home from the library was not tirely true. Boys are ready? I'm naked. Come on, Svetty, ditch the suit. Marriage is business contract. I must protect my interests. - Where'd you heart hat garbage? - It's not garbage. I found her living in your closet, Steve. She's a Russian bride, not a Russian ***. She doesn't have to act like a But you're not married and you're a total ***. That's because I was born in America. Well, there's only one way to settle this : whoever holds his breath longest gets to marry her. Well, Snot wins. I guess he just wanted it more. At this part of our routine I want you to do a Salchow from a mohawk entry. - Is that something I can even do? - Sure it is. Watch. - Can we take five? - Take five? Maybe you should take the whole afternoon. Maybe you should take a whole lifetime, 'cause that's how long it takes to grow the guts figure skating demands! God, Stan, it's not the Olympics. Wait. Is it? No. It's not. What am I doing? This is a friendly competition. It's not about winning. It's all about fun! We're going take first place for sure. Oh, there it is. It just became about winning again. We don't have a chance! You're You're magnificent. - Hello. - Roger? - Where did you learn to skate? - On my planet. You really haven't read my MySpace page, have you? You say you have, but you really haven't. Look, if you skate with me, we can't lose. How about it, partner? Help me up, Stan? Okay, she's just going to sit there, that's okay. This is her issue, her drama. Okay, we're making the turn, we're heading back. Just stay focused, don't look at her. i>Oh, should I trip over her? Would that be funny? Or would that be mean? Funny or mean? Funny or mean? Stan? Uhp. Too late. We passed her. This is the first time in 20 winters we've done anything together. And now, you're dumping me to skate with Roger?! - Why, Stan, why?! - Well, honey, I I'll tell you why. Because winning some stupid contest means more to you than your own wife! Yes. Thank you. That would have sounded awful coming out of my mouth. Well, now that's settled, how about we watch some skating tapes? I've got Hartshorn and Swiding debuting their "Mustang Sally" routine in Berlin. God, really? Hey, how's the slow-motion on your machine? 'Cause we could watch it in our bedroom. I don't really like to use slo-mo or pause it or anything, 'cause that's *** the tape, and it's my only copy and Stop talking. I totally get it. Stan and Roger practiced relentlessly. But Stan was about to learn that the swishy alien's passion for winning was even greater than his own. Stop, stop, stop! You do know the competition's tomorrow, don't you? - Yeah, of course. - Okay, okay, good. Then why are you skating like a wiener?! - Don't I do a Salchow right there? - You call that a Salchow? It looks like you have mad Salchow disease. That's right, your skating has a spongiform encephalopathy, ***. Ah, my beauties, my tranquil beauties, calm me. More friend than hairpiece. I thank you. Oh, great, sliced it. - Are you even there?! - Uh, Father? Are you going to marry us or what? Well, you did buy me this bucket of balls. I can't believe I'm giving you away on your wedding day. Seems like just yesterday you popped out of that box, and I was planning to have sex with you. Sunrise, sunset. Baby, you're going to shine tonight. Shine the stars down from heaven. - Roger, we're on in five. Ready? - I was born ready. My eyelashes, alas, were not. - There. How do I look? - Great. Let's check out our compition. Hah! She fell 'cause she was trying to hold up her husband. Smooth move, ***! Well, it doesn't look like it's dampening their spirits. That's because they practically are spirits. Hey, losers, die already. Earth belongs to the young! Hey. Maybe the score's not important to them. Maybe being there for each other is what counts. - I can't skate with you, Roger. - What are you talking about? I want to skate with Francine. You can't do this to me. You can't leave me here. Everyone's looking. Everyone's looking! Can you keep it down, huh? No one's looking at you. We're trying to watch the skating here. Everyone's looking! I'm coming for you, Francine! Hey, buddy, you wanna ride inside the bus? There's no time. I'm coming for you, Francine! I'll try "C-9." Miss. Hey, what about if you sink my battleship, I should have to take off a piece of armor. - We're playing strip Battleship. - Of course we're not, no, no, no. Francine! I've been a fool. Please skate with me? Forget it, Stan. I'm tired off feeling abandoned. Darling, I've changed. Let me show you how much I care about you. - No way. - Clifford, take her down with a tranq. You know, she was trying to get me to play strip Battleship. I said no! Okay, do you, Snot, take Svetlana to be your wife? - I do. - Swell. Do you, Svetlana, take Snot to be? You speak Russian? Nyet. Now skating their "Mama Mia" fantasy, Stan and Francine Smith. Honey, wake up. We're at the ice rink. My casserole? No, honey, we're skating together in a contest. But it's just for fun so I can show you I love you. Come on, honey, I just wanted to show you that you're more important to me than winning. - Wait, he's skating with Roger? - No. He's skating with Francine. - When did that happen? - When you went to the bathroom. You didn't stop telling the story when I was in the bathroom? I told you not to go. And I told you to light a match. How does a boy this small make a smell that large? I'm sorry for abandoning you, Francine. And I don't just mean this competition. I mean for all those winters I left you alone. All I want is to be with you, Stan. That's all I want, too. I don't care if I'm a loser everyday for the rest of my life. Just as long as I get to lose with you. Come on, let's go home. - Don't you want to see our scores? - Who cares? I already won. That was my song. The masses should be cheering for me. Damn it, this isn't over. Not by a long shot. - You won, Roger? - Of course. I'm the best. How'd you find a partner? Why?! Why?! Greg, keep your head up, for God's sake. And they all lived happily ever after. Hey, Grandpa, were you ever a shark? Yes, I was two sharks and a monkey, now shut up and go to bed!
 * until one of you marries her.