Don’t Fear the Roofer

Man: Whoo-hoo! (GULPING) Hey, hey, hey! No enjoying it! Kent Brockman here with Stormwatch 6. Professor Frink, what's the scientific explanation for this unusually severe thunderstorm? Well, Kent, we are, uh, exploring two theories at this point. Um, A, either we have a super cell of high-pressure fronts, or B, God is bowling! With the balls and the pins and the rental shoes and the very bad cheese pizza that comes in squares. (CHUCKLING) Krusty, what's your lighthearted take on our recent bad weather? Sorry, Kent. I sold all my bad weatherjokes to Jay Mohr. But I can make funny sounds in your microphone. Fine. (BLABBERING) A-ooga! (LAUGHS) There you have it. (SPUTTERING) (GASPS) Homer, do something about this leak. Don't worry, Marge. Hot Wheels to the rescue! Water flows down here, through the straightaway, a couple of wicked S-turns, around the loop of death, and out the mail slot. Then it's the yard's problem. Lisa: My hamster! (PANTING) (SQUEAKING) (SCREAMING) You know, Homer, I let a lot of things slide. But when you can't keep a roof over your family's head, you're just not much of a father. I was gonna have my classmates over for a homework party. But now my refreshments are ruined. Goodbye, college! He was supposed to be in a show-and-tell this week! (SNEEZES) That's not gonna happen. That teddy bear survived three safety recalls, but it couldn't survive you! Oh, that's it! I'm going to Moe's! Aw! It's raining outside! It's raining inside! (MEWLING) Lousy cat! (SLAMS) Stupid Homer-hating family. At least there's one place I'm always welcome. (Men) (SINGING) For he's a jolly good fellow... Oh, guys. This is just what I needed. This ain't for you, sweat stain. It's a surprise party for Lenny thrown by his closest friends. So what's Stephen Hawking doing here? (ON VOICE SYNTHESIZER) I live here now. You're looking at the new owner of the Little Caesars down the street. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Sorry, that button sticks. So why didn't you invite me? We couldn't tell you ahead of time because you'd spill the beans. I wouldn't ruin a surprise for Lenny. Surprise? What surprise? (BLOWING HORNS) (ALL GROAN) Way to go, Homer. Ugh! That's six years planning down the drain! I'm sorry. I'll just sit over here until you stop being mad at me. Oh, great, Homer! I bake a cake shaped like Lenny's favorite barstool, and you wreck it! Well, I can see I'm not wanted here. Wait, Homer. Don't go. Okay, beat it! Who wants ass frosting? No, thanks. I'm on Atkins. My family hates me. My stupid friends kick me out of their stupid party. They'll all be sorry when I invent the world's best-tasting cola. And share it with no one! (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Oh, man. (GASPS) A sign! Finally, a bar for men who like to drink and look at sexy women. Welcome to Knockers, hon. Let me know if you see anything you like. Read the sign, you prevert! Homer: D'oh! Hmm. I'd like a beer and a sympathetic ear. I got my own problems. I just lost this eye last night. How did it ever come to this? I'm the first man ever to feel depressed in a bar. I don't have a friend in the world. Look at the size of that nacho plate! I haven't seen this much melted cheese since I left my Billy Joel albums out in the sun. (LAUGHING) The sun. Hey, you want to split this? Wow. It's been so long since I've been with someone who doesn't know what a selfish pig I am. Mine. Move your hand. I get this. Hey, my name's Ray. Ray Magini. Ray, you know me better than anyone. How can I get my wife to love me again? Beats me. I'm no marriage counselor. Just a licensed and bonded roofer. (GASPS) Ray, will you help me fix my roof? Sure, I'll help you. Under one condition. You gotta help me finish this pitcher of beer. Wait. Did I add that right? Now for my first act as President... (GRUNTS) (SHATTERING) (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Deal! To my new buddy! Now all we need is an awesome theme song. Whatever plays next on the jukebox. Deal. Woman: (SINGING) Do that to me one more time. Once is never enough with a man like you Next song. Uh, yeah, that's what I meant. Yeah, absolutely. (HOMER SNORING) Homer! I woke up to find an owl eating a mouse on the pillow next to me. I think that means six more weeks of autumn. It means you have to fix the roof. Don't worry, honey. I found us a roofer last night. And you'll never guess where. Knockers on Route 98. How did you know? I'm psychic. Look, I don't know if I want a roofer who hangs out in bars. (SCOFFS) You're right, Marge. I guess I should look for roofers at poetry slams and yoga retreats. High five! Nah. I got standards. I don't hand out high-fives like Chiclets. Ray would high five me. Well, he'd better high five our roof! Huh? Yay, Mom! Zing! D'oh! Come on, kids. We're gonna visit Grampa. Then we're gonna take the dog to the V-E-T. Huh? Then take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D. Huh? Uh, I'll tell you what it means when it's over. Hey, Homer. Oh, Ray. You came at the agreed-upon time! That's what I like about you, Homer. Everything impresses you. "Impresses," what a big word. I'm gonna look that up. Ah... This is gonna take some work. Tell me, was the roof in good condition when you bought the house? I didn't really check. I mainly bought this house for the view. Someday that bowl will overflow, and I'll be there. Okay, kids. We only have time for a quick visit to Grampa. So as soon as he feels loved, we're out of there. (BARKING) Oh, he must smell leftovers. Please. We call them senior citizens. Oh, look! (ALL COOING) A dog? What a nice surprise. I'm gonna pet you raw! (GRUNTS AFFECTIONATELY) (ALL CHEERING) Can we keep your dog, please? Keep my dog? Till when? Not too long. Just till we die. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHING) Well, he does seem happy here. Also, gerontological studies have demonstrated that animal companions can slow the inevitable decline of... Yeah, okay, thank you. Why don't you go find a parade and rain on it? (THUDDING) (YAWNS) Huh? (GROANS) Oh! Sorry about that, pal. Hey, no problem. Accidents happen. (GRUNTS) (GROANS) One, two, three, four! I declare a nail war! This is why I got into roofing! (BOTH LAUGHING) (Ned) Hey, Homer! Ned, are you okay? Yeah. But my mower can't get much lower. (AIR HISSING) I was wrong! (WHIMPERS) (DOOR SLAMS) (BOTH LAUGHING) Ah, that's Ned Flanders. (CHUCKLES) There's one in every neighborhood. (PAGER BEEPING) Oh, sorry, man. I gotta go. This says my kid attempted something. I hate the way these things cut off. Goodbye, Ray! Bye! Oh, he turned a corner. Ooh! Now I see him again! (CRASHING) (SCREAMS) (SNORING) Homer! Huh? Huh? You're drooling on my Goodwill pile! (GRUNTS) And why is the hole in the roof even bigger? Don't worry. Ray'll be back any minute. It's after 6:00! He's not coming back! He's a lousy roofer and a flake! Hey, watch what you say about him! I think Ray could be the one. The one what? My new best friend! We think alike, we act alike, we finish each other's sandwiches. I don't want to hear any more about Ray! Tomorrow morning you buy some shingles and fix that roof yourself! Ray's not gonna like that. You're not married to Ray! Well, if I was, we'd have taller kids! I'm sure everyone's happier with Santa's Little Helper here to love them. Yeah. I bet the old people will be acting like young people, like in those cell phone ads everyone hates. (BARKS WEAKLY) (GASPS) He's become one of them! Hey, boy. Want a treat? (GRUNTS) Better get you home. Come on, Lisa. Right after Pat Sajak. Oh! Jeez, Louise! (BOTH WHINING) You know, it's too bad. We've had that dog as long as I can remember. What dog? Who the hell are you? I wish I knew. You know, son, my dad used to take me down to Johnson's Hardware. Old man Johnson knew everything about fixing stuff. When they built this place, he hung himself. (STRAINING) Oh, sorry, son. I wanted you to bring me the stack of tiles from the top shelf. Hey, Ray's here! Hey, Homer! Look, I just came down with a case of shingles. (LAUGHING) What's in the box? Hey, I'm real sorry I never made it back yesterday. I hope we're still friends. Of course we are. Uh... If you want to be? Well, I want to be, if you want to be. I'll tell you what, let me get a few more supplies, and I'll come ﬂght over and I'll finish your roof! Hey, Dad. Remember when you said if I used a chainsaw unsupervised, I'd hurt myself? Well, you were wrong. I hurt someone else. Oh! I have 45 minutes to get ready for the prom! What are you doing? Why aren't you fixing the roof? I don't have to. Ray's gonna be here any minute. (GRUNTS) I am so sick of hearing about that stupid, unreliable Ray, who, by the way, I have never even met! All right. Then you can just look at the portrait I painted of him. Homer, how did you think I'd feel when I saw that? Something like that. Uh! Uh! Oh... Oh! Uh! Oh... Oh! Oh... Homer, come down for dinner. Did you make enough for Ray? Oh! Ray's not coming! He is, too! His truck's gonna come around the corner right now. Right now! Right now! Now! Now! (MUTTERS) Now! (SHIVERING) (SHAKILY) Now. Now. Now. Homer, I know where Ray is. Oh, thank God. Where is he? Tell me! Sweetheart, your friend, Ray is in your head. Ray wouldn't fit in my head. He's a human man. (SIGHS) You have to understand. Ray doesn't exist. Yes, he does. He's on his way. And when he gets here, we'll have ever so much fun. You'll see. (LAUGHING) We'll laugh! (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) (GROANS) (GASPS) Homer! (LAUGHING WEAKLY) (GASPS) What? What's going on? Where are my shoes? (STRAINING) (CHUCKLES) Struggle all you want, Homer. There's nothing you can do. (HOCKS AND SPITS) Why... Excuse us for a moment. (GROANS) What am I doing here? Let me go! We'll let you go when you admit there is no Ray Magini. Fine, I admit it. Help me, Ray! Appear and strike them down! Homer, no one has ever seen Ray but you. But that's not true. Bart saw him at the Builder's Barn. No, I didn't, Dad. I saw you talking to yourself. Flanders, you saw Ray on the roof with me! Sorry, Homer. You'll have to call me a "Ray-theist" because I don't believe I saw him. Ned, are you okay? There has to be someone who saw him. Someone who doesn't hate me, like Flanders and Bart. (GASPS) Wait! The bartender at Knockers! I called that bosom bar. The bartender said you were there alone. Ray's a figment of your imagination, Homer. You felt lonely and unappreciated, so you made him up. And here's the clincher. "Ray Magini" is an anagram for "imaginary." Wow. My subconscious is a genius. Well, that's all very convincing and... (THUDDING) (BLABBERS) He's right over there! Hey, come on! Can't anybody see him? (BLABBERING) You can only see from my point of view. I'm afraid this calls for electroshock. (GASPS) Electroshock? Actually, the technical term is electroconvulsive therapy. Well, that's a world of difference. Light me up, Doc! When you're getting juiced, can you hold my turtle? I want to bring him back to life. Aw... What did he die of? I don't know. He was dead when I found him. (WHIMPERING) Homer, that's just to bite on, not to eat. Sorry. Give me one that doesn't taste so good. That was rubber covered in Vaseline! Marge, write that down so we can have it at home. We can't begin his treatment soon enough. (MACHINE WHIRS) (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) (SCREAMS) (HISSING) (BLABBERING) How you feeling, sweetie? Much better. Do you see anyone here who isn't here? Nope. Just you, Marge, and Yogi Bear. (CHUCKLES) Kidding! (CHUCKLES) Well, I see your sense of humor's not affected. That's a very bad sign. (WHIRS) (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) (SCREAMS) Real. Not real. Real. Real. Oh, sorry, Homer. But recent historical evidence indicates that Robin Hood did not actually exist. (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) (SCREAMS) Fascinating. You kids can relax. Your father is fine now. Fine and dandy? Well, his dandiness will slowly return with time. Both: Dad! Oh, kids, I heart you, too. Man, I'm glad to be off that electroshock table. Although, to be honest, I did enjoy lying down. Hello, Homer. (GASPS) It's Ray! I see him again! Monster, you don't exist! (GRUNTS) (GROANS) Hey, no one calls me a monster and questions my existence! (GROANS) The awesome power of the human mind. (GROANS) I see Ray, too. So do I. Uh-oh. Well, I'm not worried. You've already agreed not to sue me for anything. When did I agree to that? You did when I validated your parking. You didn't validate my parking. Check and mate. (CHUCKLES) So Ray does exist? That's right. Now let's explore the improbable series of events that led to this amusing yet tragic farce. On account of my eye patch, I couldn't see Ray sitting at the bar. All I saw was you eating and drinking and talking to yourself. And, Ned, you didn't see me because I was hiding behind the chimney. (CHUCKLES) Gee, I thought my vision was perfect, and here I was worshipping false eyeballs. Wait, wait, wait, wait. How come at Builder's Barn, I saw Homer talking to thin air. Well, that... Hmm. (Hawking) I can answer that. I've been tracking a tear in the fabric of space-time, which combined with airborne pieces of metal at Builder's Barn to create a miniature black hole. This anomaly interposed itself between Homer and Bart causing a gravitational lens, which absorbed the light reflected from Ray the roofer. That seems feasible. (ALL CHEERING) Wait. There's still one last thing that doesn't make sense. Why did you start fixing our roof and then just disappear? That's easy. I'm a contractor. (ALL LAUGHING) That's right. You're all crooks. (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we're all crooks. It's true. (LAUGHS) Hey, wait a minute! I went through a lot of pain and suffering because of this "little misunderstanding." Somebody owes me big. Well, Homer, I could make it up to you. Maybe a free eye-scraping. That's a given. There's something else. Something much more else. Homer, can I please knock off? I've got surgery in the morning. Not if those gutters aren't clean, you don't. (MUTTERS) So as I was saying, Homer, Mondays, 9:00, CBS. They say everybody loves that guy, but I don't get it. What are you talking about? Hey, I'm just saying, catch it while you still can. (BOTH CHUCKLING) (Hawking) Badda-bing, badda-boom. And we're done.