The Family Cruise

(knock, knock) Raaaaarrrr! Dan? What are you doing here? I'll give you a hint. First word "zombie", last word "wrestling", middle words "zombie wrestling". Zombie zombie wrestling wrestling? Oww Don't pretend you didn't deserve that. Grab a smock and whatever snacks you'll need for two solid days of bone gnawing mayh-- What's with the bags? Chris, I told you "No Dan". My parents will be here any minute. We're going on a family cruise. I've mentioned it multiple times. Hopefully the ship will move faster than this line. Speaking of cavemen, I'm going on a cruise. On a boat. Me, Elise, and her parents. Tomorrow morning. Don't come to the house. Write it down. Doesn't ring a bell. But it sounds terrible. Unnaturally happy staff, forced "fun", trapped at sea, it's like something the Inquisition would dream up. Chris, help me get the bags from the bedroom. Dan? Go away. Hmm Lots of splatter in zombie wrestling I better wear Chris's clothes. Junior, we're here. Hope you're ready to go, the ship waits for no one. Typical. Not even done packing. Here, take these out to the car. What'd they do, pack the kitchen sink? Dan?! Honestly, that's got to be some sort of record. You can't tag along this time. It's a family cruise. You aren't family. You think I want to be here? I've been hijacked, Shanghaied, Dan napped! I am missing zombie wrestling. I gotta get off this ship before-- --we set sail. Alright, fine. Today is a wash. Fortunately, the main event isn't until tomorrow. Dan, we're not going back to shore for a week. You're stuck here. FAMILY CRUISE! I didn't realize Dan would be joining us Honestly, are you surprised? He stowed away. I did not stow away. I am here under protest. Hi, family! I'm Carla. I'm gonna be your personal guide to make sure you all have a super great time aboard the S. S. Funtanic! How does that sound? Uh Good? Great! Now, let's see. Uh oh! I've got you down for two and two, but it looks like your little family has grown. What's your name, little fella? Let's not get to know each other, and I need to get off this ship. No, we need to get you on board this vacation. Alright, who here is a parent? And I guess that makes you three the kids. Kids? Here on the super Family Fun-tainment Extravaganza Cruise, we've got two kinds of passengers - parents and kids. And since you don't have any children of your own Thank goodness. Then you're the kids! Come on family, let me get you started on some fun-tivities. Did any of you happen to bring an ice pick? It doesn't need to be sterile or anything. Dan, we've been over this before. You can't lobotomize someone just because they're perky. I was gonna do it because she called me little. and from the Vista deck you'll be able to see sunsets, humpback whales, even the infamous Catalina Parallelogram. I thought that was a myth. You thought the Bigfoot was a myth until I caught one. Dan, that was just a really hairy guy in the woods. The Catalina Parallelogram is a mysterious part of the ocean where the laws of space and time no longer apply. Ships sail into it and are never seen again. And we'll be sailing right past it. All this talk about things I don't care about makes me want to stretch out and work on my tan. Not so fast. You've got sunbathing scheduled for Day after tomorrow. Right now though, it's your turn on The Wall. Unless there's a helicopter at the top waiting to take me back to Los Angeles, you can forget it. I really should get back to the cabin and check in with work. Forget work, forget Los Angeles, forget everything. Focus on the wall. Once the whole family gets to the top, it'll almost be time to hit the Aloha Deck for a real luau. Well, I'm sure that's music to someone's ears, right Chris? Sir. Sir! You really need to be wearing a safety harness! Well, he's enthusiastic. I'm going to catch up to Chris. We'll meet you at the top. Take your time, this sort of stuff isn't designed for people your age. People our age? Junior needs to be taught a lesson. Come on, let's get you started. I'd like to see you make me. Luau. . Come on, Chris. Luau. Luau. Whoa! Chris, you forgot to get a harness. Are you insane? Just focus on your next move. Put your left hand here. Good, now move your right foot. What's the hold up, Junior? The wall a little too much for you two? You don't mind if we cut ahead, seeing as we're senior citizens and don't have much longer to live? See you at the top. Eventually. Chris. Climb. Now. Finally. Wasn't that super fun? Looks like the parents got here first. I guess that's one-nothing. What do you mean, one-nothing? On the Family Fun-tainment Extravaganza Cruise, it's all about friendly competition. And right now, the parents are winning. What's next? The luau. The luau is next. Or. . You could try shuffleboard. Where's shuffleboard? Back on the main deck. Perfect. (whizzing sound) (dan screams) (dan o. s. ) Ha! I creamed 'em! You knocked all our pucks out of bounds. I know! Total destruction! I should win a stuffed bear or something. That's not how it works. That's three games in a row. What else is there? Paintball? (splat, splat, splat) Score one for the kids. What's next? Gee, you sure are the most enthusiastic fun-tivities family I've ever had. What's next? Wait. First of all, luau. Second, didn't you say you had to call work? And third, LU-AU. Uh. . I completely forgot. Okay, I'll meet you at dinner, but this isn't over. You know, I really should go back to the room and change. Well, it looks like it's just the menfolk! Right, DadDon? (spyboss v. o. ) Dancing shadow? You're late. Sorry, had to deal with an old rival. What's the mission? (spyboss v. o. ) The ship you're on has an extremely sophisticated navigation system. We don't want it falling into the wrong hands. (gruff criminal v. o. ) We need youse to "borrow" this crystal so that our friends can, uh, facilitate its sale on the black market. Consider it done. Should be a piece of cake. If you run into any competition, eliminate it. Understood. I wonder where the people I like disappeared to? It can't be any worse than here. There's gotta be a way off this floating barge of misery. Looks like the kiddies win the eating competition. This was a competition? In your face, Don. Alright, Fun-stronauts, time to get back on deck for more maritime merriment! Must we? Come on. Badminton is up next and the two teams are neck and neck. I'm sure you can't wait to find out who's gonna win the big prize! Prize? Winner of the competition is crowned Captain for the Day! We dress you up in a little sailor's suit and take your picture on deck in front of the Catalina Parallelogram. So if we win badminton, I get to steer the ship back to Los Angeles? Perfect. Come on, Chris. Actually, it's more of an honorary title-- Stop, you had me at "Captain". Still no word from the ladies, huh? We can get started without them. It is supposed to be two on two. They've got two. Well, one and a half. Well, really just two halves. So one on one. That's fair. I'm gonna make him eat that birdie. Looks like I've got some competition. Good. No mercy, Chris. If we don't win, I can't turn the ship around and we'll be trapped here forever. It's a one week cruise, you'll only be trapped here for six more days. You ready, old man? Maybe Chris didn't tell you, I played badminton on the Olympic team. Y'know on second thought, why don't we wait for the girls? I think they'd enjoy the competition. Piece of cake. What the? I'll take that. (wham) (whizzzzz) Alright, no more Mr. Nice Guy. When were you ever Mr. Nice Guy? (whap! whap!) (whap! whap!) Is this equipment regulation? It's a poor workman that blames his tools. HaHaHaHa! Victory! Kneel before your captain! That's interference! Oh, calm down, Don. Mom?! Junior? Elise? You better have good explanation young lady. Me?! You're the one in battle armor. Don't you change the subject. Sounds like you all have a lot to discuss. If you'll excuse me Zombie Wrestling, here I come! Please, there shouldn't be any fighting on the S. S. Funtanic. What the? (swirling storm) Is that? Looks to me like the Catalina Parallelogram! And we're heading right for it! Dannn! Arrg, my trusty crew. Come for your share of the plunder? Wait, you're a pirate now? What have you done to the bridge? It's only been two minutes. It was like this when I got here. Yeah, that's sort of our bad. All I did was turn us back towards Los Angeles. And destroyed the captain's wheel. We can't steer the ship and without the automated navigation system we will sail right into the Catalina Parallelogram. Eh, you win some, you lose some. Win some, lose some? Are you kidding me? I've been nothing but upbeat and cheerful for you people, and all you can do is snipe at one another. And to top it off, you've wrecked my ship?! I've had it! You're all going to the brig! Make it so, number two. Oh, you're going with them! And you do have one more super fun activity on the schedule you get to ride the ship to the bottom of the ocean. Well, what are we going to do now? I'm sure we will be fine! Elise, any ideas? I got nothing. Oh, that is so typical. Why are you blaming me? Well, it's not like we could expect anything from Chris. I don't see you offering solutions! I can't believe you people ruined my vacation! Enough! Look, this was supposed to be a family cruise and the only way we'll get out of it is if we work together as a family! You know, if we could reach that panel, we might be able to short out the electronics and pop the door. Good idea, Jun Elise. You know, that speech really meant a lot to me Dad. Let's not push it. Gotcha. Just a little higher. Have you put on weight, dear? Mom! Stop shaking. I'm not! It's no use! We're half a person short. Oh, now you want me to be part of your stupid family? No thanks. I'll take my chances with certain death. Dan, you may not care much about my family, but you have a family of your own to look out for. If you vanish into the parallelogram, who's gonna feed Mr. Mumbles? She can't capture turkey sandwiches in the wild. She'll starve. Don't worry, Mr. Mumbles, Daddy's coming! (bzzt! click!) We did it! Thanks, Dan. You did good. Do I have to be the one to point out all of this was his fault to begin with? We're too late! There must be some kind of tear in the fabric of space! I guess there's no escape now. Elise, since we're about to be swallowed by a temporal vortex, I have a confession. I ate the ginger bread house you made last Christmas and blamed it on the mailman. I know. I forgive you. And I should probably tell you something, too. I'm the top operative for a shadowy, quasi-governmental agency specializing in espionage, arms deals and assassinations. Well I have a confession, as well. I'm on the FBI's most wanted list under the name "The Lady". You're "The Lady"? Number six on the list? Way to go, Mom! Five. Marcos "The Knife" Capelli had an unfortunate accident in Barbados last spring. Hey, we were in Barbados last spring. Coincidence. Well, I have a secret, too. I'm a half alien hybrid sent to Earth to enslave mankind. Really? No I just wanted to be included. This can't be the end! I have way too many regrets! So many wrongs unavenged! My landlord refuses to replace the light bulb in my refrigerator! Really, Dan? Is that all you wanted to get off your chest? It's possible that I've wasted my life on petty and ultimately meaningless quests for vengeance. There, are you happy now? We're proud of you, Dan. But we'd be a little prouder if we weren't all about to die. Daaaaaaaaaan! Whaaaaaaaaaat? I foooorgooooot whaaaat I waaaas goooooing toooo saaaaaay. Grab a smock and whatever snacks you'll need for two solid days of bone gnawing mayh-- What's with the bags? Wait, don't tell me: you're going on a cruise! Yes, Dan. Ha! I'm psychic! You're not psychic. I told you about the cruise multiple times. Chris, I told you, "No Dan. " My parents will be here any minute. Wait Something DOES seem very familiar about all this. Dan showing up uninvited? Now why would that be familiar? I'm telling you, I'm psychic! Wait, I'm getting another deja vu That door is about to-- Junior, we're-- oh, Dan's here. Nice shot with the door, hon! Should we wake him? No. He'd just try to tag along on our vacation and ruin it for us. Besides, he looks like a little angel when he sleeps Oh. . I'll be right out. I have something I need to do. Huh? Where--? I didn't want to go on your stupid cruise in the first place!