The Ring (Last Man Standing)

Later, 'rents.

Later, 'aughter.

Have fun at, uh, 'ool.

What are we gonna do with all the time we just saved?

I am in a hurry.

My civics class is taking a field trip to the State Capitol building.

We get to watch our bloated government in action.

(Door opens)

"Inaction" is all you're gonna experience.

Love ya. Bye.

Drive safe.

Okay.

(Door closes)

Mother, father.

I have an important announcement to make.

A virtual impossibility, but go ahead.

You want to take notes, or should I?

Aw.

Okay, first off, I want to thank you guys for letting me operate Mandy Baxter Designs out of the basement for the last two years.

We wanted a Wetzel's Pretzels, but I don't think we had the foot traffic. (Chuckles)

Well, business has been so good that I need a bigger space.

Seriously? You're thinking of moving Mandy Baxter designs out of the house?

And maybe even Mandy Baxter?

Oh, just stop it.

Move out?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, my announcement is that I need more of the basement.

Why would I move out? (Laughs)

Because that's what people your age do.

They move out, take their stuff with them, and get their own cellphone plans.

Yeah. Haven't you been up with the news, dad?

The new thing with your generation is to have your kids live with you a lot longer.

Uh, not really sure that's our generation's thing, Mandy.

No, no, no.

Our generation's thing is to work hard and give our kids everything they want and need.

And that seems to have backfired.

We millennials like to take our time with the big life events like marriage and kids and our own cellphone plan.

Listen, you know, if Steve Jobs had never moved out of the garage, we wouldn't have an Apple store at every corner with some geeky nerd talking down to us when we buy an iPhone.

Well, Kyle and I are gonna go have breakfast.

That gives you guys plenty of time to discuss and then move all your things out of the basement.

Mandy, honey, you can live here as long as you want. Thank you.

And, Mike, you really need to let that incident at the Apple store go.

Listen, just because you can download an app, that doesn't make you a genius, all right? Okay.

And that is most boring "bar" I've ever been to. (Door opens, closes)

You want a double hard drive with that?

No, thanks.

♪

(Knock on door)

Hey, you wanted to see me, Mr. Alzate?

Yes, come in. Come in, Kyle. Come on, come on.

Is... is Mike out there?

Uh, no, sir. He left for the day.

Good. 'Cause I don't want anyone else to see this.

Uh, if it's the baseball hat with the ponytail, it's not super convincing.

I (Clears throat)

I bought this for Wendi.

Yeah, I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

Oh, congratulations, sir.

I don't want Mike to know.

I know he's not Wendi's biggest fan, so...

Oh, that's good, because then he would probably want to propose to her, too, and I would not want to go up against that guy.

Kyle... Kyle... you know, it's ironic that his eyes are ice blue, yet they could melt any woman's heart.

I'm gonna pretend you're done talking and just jump in, all right?

I need you to take this to Stedman's Jewelers and get it resized.

Okay? Yes, sir.

You can count on me. Okay.

And, remember...

Please, I don't want any grief from Mike, so don't say anything, okay?

No, to Mike. You can still talk.

(Exhales)

That's a relief, 'cause I wanted to say "okay," but then I was caught in a paradox.

Okay.

Okay, good. Good, good. (Chuckles)

That was exhausting.

Geez. (Sighs)

Hey, what you got there?

Oh, uh, Mr. B.

I-I-I thought you were gone for today.

I was. Now I'm back.

I'm unpredictable.

What is that?

Oh, nothing. Just my cellphone.

(Chuckles)

Yeah?

Kind of small for a cellphone, isn't it?

Maybe that's because when you're far away, things look smaller, but...

You know, now that you're up close, it probably looks regular sized.

Yep. See?

Was that an engagement ring?

Look, sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to forget about the thing you thought you saw.

Really? Really?

It's kind of a big step, Kyle.

If I don't like it, I'm gonna let you know that, you know?

Well, with all due respect, Mr. Baxter, it doesn't really matter what you think.

Whoa.

Did you really say that?

(Exhales)

Wow. You look a lot bigger up close.

You're sure it was an engagement ring?

Yeah. Oh.

I'm sure of that. As soon as I saw it, all the old feelings came back. Oh.

The cold sweats, the second thoughts...

...being the happiest, luckiest man in the world.

Mm.

Kyle is gonna propose to Mandy.

Oh, this is amazing.

Yeah, I guess.

Why do you sound like you have a problem with it?

I don't know. You know, they've been dating a long time, and he's kind and considerate.

I get all that.

Yeah, well, he goes to church.

He takes care of his grandmother.

That's a lot more good stuff than we could say about Mandy.

(Door closes)

So... so what's the problem?

I just wish he was more ambitious.

I mean, at work, he's basically a sales clerk, and he's okay with that.

(Sighs) Honey, you know, you're always saying that as a father, the most important thing to you is that our girls are loved, cared for, and protected.

That's... that's Kyle, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And some large-breed dogs.

(Gasps) Oh, oh.

Do you remember what Mandy said this morning about millennials waiting to get married?

Yeah. I mean, what if she turns him down?

Kyle might never ask again.

That kid is really sensitive... yeah.

...and Mandy is Mandy.

Oh, come on. She's not that bad. Stop.

I don't know how our mailman can be that fat when he walks for a living.

And, by the way, he doesn't know, either.

(Chuckles)

Let me do the talking. Don't... don't give up anything.

Right, right, right. Poker face.

Hey, Mandy, your mom and I were thinking about that millennial thing where you're putting off important decisions till later.

Kind of wondering if...

Kyle's gonna ask you to marry him!

That was a poker face?

You were taking forever.

Kyle's gonna propose?

Honey, he, uh... he got you an engagement ring.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

He's taking me somewhere special for dinner tomorrow night, but he wouldn't tell me where.

He said he wanted to surprise me.

Y-you don't have to say yes if you don't want to.

Yeah, I-if you're not sure, I mean, you just need to figure out a way to tell Kyle gently.

Are you kidding? I love Kyle.

Why would you think I wouldn't want to marry him?

Because of what you said this morning.

You're putting off big decisions, not getting married, not getting your own cellphone plan...

It's all in your mom's notes.

No.

That's the other thing about millennials.

You can't believe anything we say.

Which is why we're happy you come along only once every 1,000 years.

Shh.

Honey, honey.

So, um, so... so, you gonna say yes?

I guess I am.

Mom, I'm gonna say yes.

(Chuckles) She's gonna say yes!

(Laughs)

Ooh. Mike, join us.

Hey, I'm good over here. I see a big snot bubble forming.

Hey, Mr. B? I'm taking off.

Got a big date tonight.

Yeah, Mandy said you're taking her someplace special.

Yeah, my favorite taco truck.

The food is great, and the horn doesn't play "La Cucaracha."

Ah.

I like a truck that thinks outside the box.

You know, I've never smacked you in the head, but let's pretend I just did.

Okay.

Ow. What was that for?

A taco truck?

Your idea of taking her to a special restaurant is a restaurant that needs to pass a smog test.

How about a place like Leonardo's?

Oh, I-I can't afford that.

Plus, even if they had tacos, they'd probably be those fancy ones with, like...

Chicken.

Let's just pretend I smacked you in the head again.

A taco truck? Come on!

It would be great if sometimes you would just aim a little higher.

I see.

You want me to live beyond my means.

Got it. No, no, no. That's not what I mean.

I mean dream beyond your means.

You know, then you work hard to make that dream a reality, and then you could go to restaurants like Leonardo's anytime you wanted to.

(Chuckles) Then I'd probably be on a first-name basis with Leonardo. (Sighs)

Wait a minute. Everyone is.

His name's on the sign.

Come on, Kyle.

Listen, kid, why don't you take her to Leonardo's, okay?

Oh, no. I-I can't take that.

T-this is not what you think.

This is your Arbor Day bonus.

I never gave it to you.

And what kind of Outdoor Man would I be if I didn't support the trees?

Well, that makes sense.

Yeah.

Thanks, Mr. B. you bet.

And make it a special night tonight.

Help her on with her coat, pull out her chair, and try not to have that argument about why Batman shouldn't be fighting Superman.

(Door opens)

I thought Mike would never leave.

What the hell were you two going on about?

I'm not sure, but it ended with me getting a bunch of money.

Hey, look, Wendi's ring is ready.

The jeweler called, so go. Just pick it up, will you?

Oh, great, yeah. I'll get it on my way to pick up Mandy tonight.

Good. And remember...

Right. I'll wear chapstick.

Mm. But back to the ring.

Yesterday, Mr. B. saw me with it.

Oh, damn it, Kyle.

Now, you weren't supposed to put it on and go traipsing around with it.

Well, no. I-I didn't.

Not here in the store, anyway.

But you're right.

He does have a very strong opinion about this.

And... and he should. You know, he's your best friend.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

And for my last three marriages, my best man.

Wait a minute. Maybe he's the jinx.

Just talk to him, sir.

Honoring friendship is the right thing to do.

Unlike Batman trying to fight Superman.

I mean, it's crazy. He's the man of steel.

♪

This is so exciting.

I arranged for a bottle of champagne to be waiting for Mandy and Kyle at the restaurant tonight.

Oh, great. Champagne and those two?

Somebody's coming home with an eye patch.

Honey, honey, do you remember when you proposed to me?

(Sighs) Yes. Yeah.

Tell me the story...

The whole story, from the beginning.

From the beginning?

From the beginning.

It was a beautiful day in October.

July. You proposed in July.

Yeah, but I was born in October. It's a long story.

(Knock on door)

Oh, hold on. I do know the story.

I'm just gonna... okay.

Okay, I'll tell you the whole story.

Just a minute.

Hey, Ed. Come on in!

Thank you, thank you.

Well, what do we got here?

A really old scotch. (Door closes)

You know what goes with really old scotch is brand-new ice cubes.

Oh.

Mm. Hm-mmm.

So, what's the occasion?

Well, there is an occasion, but I'm gonna need some time to get to it.

Well, you better get to it right about here. Mm.

'Cause we're laughing.

Right here, we're crying. Mm-hmm.

Right about here, we start singing.

And this area's unknown. I never remember about that.

Eh.

♪

What should we toast to, Kyle?

I don't think we should drink this champagne, Mandy.

We didn't order it.

Um, let's toast to how lucky we are.

(Glasses clink)

I-I don't think it's luck.

I-I think this is stealing.

I am kind of curious, though. I've never had champagne.

Ahh.

That is disgusting.

A romantic restaurant... (Chuckles)

A bottle of champagne...

You and a shirt with buttons.

Sort of feels like a special night.

(Both chuckle)

Well, you can thank Mr. Arbor Day.

This moment seems just perfect.

Is, um...

Is there anything special you want to ask me?

Actually, there is.

(Gasps)

(Sighs)

Do... They bring you bread, or do you have to order it?

♪

(Sniffs) Mmm. This is magnificent.

Yeah.

Yeah, the scotch sure know how to make whiskey.

(Smacks lips) And tape.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, you really have something to talk about, or you just kind of tired of drinking alone?

(Sighs) Yeah, there is.

Kyle tells me you saw the ring.

(Clears throat)

So you know about that?

S-should I take your silence on the subject as disapproval?

No, you know, I'm just conflicted.

At the end of the day, when two people are meant to be together, that's really what's important, right?

Well, of course. So what's ... what's the objection?

Or is it because of how much you dislike the bride-to-be?

(Smacks lips)

She's not my favorite.

But come on. I... I don't "dislike" her.

Well, I'm gonna tell her that.

Maybe it'll stop her from taking shots at you behind your back.

How much time are you two spending together?

Plenty.

She's a special lady, Mike, and I... I want her to be happy.

Me too. I just hope she's okay with somebody that doesn't have a lot of ambition.

Excuse me? Excu... is that a joke?

No, it's not a jo... walking around that store, man, with a big, goofy grin on your face doesn't make you successful.

Eh? Well, I-it does if you own the store.

(Laughing) Yeah. Right.

Not a shot in hell of Kyle ever owning the store!

Why are you talking about Kyle?

Who are you talking about?

Me!

I'm getting married to Wendi...

If Kyle ever shows up with the ring.

Uh-oh.

Thought you two would be singing by now.

W-we got a little problem.

(Clears throat) The ring was Ed's.

He's giving it to Wendi.

Uh-oh.

This is a horrible mistake.

Maybe, but I'm still gonna ask her to marry me.

♪

Well... we've had our dinner.

Guess we're getting pretty close to the end of our evening.

Ah, not so fast, little lady.

We still haven't had the main event.

Really? What would that be?!

Cheesecake!

(Squeaks)

I know you got a ring over there.

You do?

Man, I'm just the worst at keeping this thing a secret.

I'd really love to see it.

Oh, well, it is quite the ring.

(Gasps) Oh, my God!

(Chuckles) (Blows)

Here you go. (Gasps) Oh!

(Laughs) (Applause)

(Squealing) Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I can't believe it!

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm very good at finding things.

Ah! (Cellphone rings)

Oh! It's my mom!

Mom, I'm just sitting here looking at the most beautiful ring in the entire world!

Wait, what?

(Shakily) It is?

Really?

Huh.

Mm, mom, I got to go.

Mom, I got to go!

You know what?

I bet once Mandy and Kyle realized what happened, they had a really good laugh about it.

Yeah, it's called positive thinking. (Door opens)

You can go now, Kyle.

I'm going to my room... forever.

(Door closes)

That's why positive thinking sucks.

I still don't know what I did to upset you.

You didn't do anything.

I'm just an idiot, and I would like the worst night of my life to come to an end.

Hey, you want to hear a funny story?

Guy sees another guy with a ring.

Guy tells his wife.

Guy's wife sends champagne to a couple at the restaurant.

That pretty much brings us up to where we are right now.

I don't get it.

Oh!

No, I don't get it.

When I saw you with that ring, I thought you were giving that to Mandy.

That's my mistake.

My bigger mistake was I told my wife.

So this is the funny story you're telling me?

Well, it's not funny at all!

Well, you know, tragedy plus time...

It's not like I haven't thought about proposing to Mandy.

I think about it a lot.

So you really do want to marry her?

Yeah, of course.

It's like we live in this world full of beauty and wonder.

Without her, it would be empty.

You know, it's like, when I make her smile and she's happy, that's when I know why I was put here.

Are, uh...

Are you reading that off of something?

I-I need to be more than a clerk in a store, you know, when I propose to Mandy.

I want to accomplish big things so that I can give her a great life.

I want to be the man that your daughter deserves.

Kyle, this is, of course, a big decision.

It's all up to you what you do, but if you're waiting to become the man that Mandy deserves, I think you are that man.

Thank you, sir.

A-and you should know that when the time comes, I would never ask Mandy to marry me without getting your permission first.

Damn right!

But I appreciate that. (Door opens)

I really do.

Hey, Kyle. Can we talk?

Honey, let's get some coffee.

No, you go. I want to hear this.

Okay! Geez!

Look, I'm... I'm sorry about the ring that wasn't for you.

I'm sorry about the cheesecake you didn't get to eat.

(Chuckles)

Yeah, it was a weird night.

(Chuckles) You thought I was gonna ask you to marry me.

Yeah.

And you got upset when I didn't.

Yes.

And embarrassed and humiliated.

Yep, yeah, I know. I was there, Kyle.

I remember the whole thing.

But, you know, I realized something when I was talking to mom.

I had no reason to be embarrassed.

I love you, and I will be perfectly happy just staying like this for the rest of our lives.

Well, I won't be.

What are you doing?

This was my mother's.

It's beautiful.

Next to you, it's the thing that means the most to me in my life.

(Chuckles)

(Breathes shakily)

Mandy Baxter...

Oh, shoot. Hang on.

I got to ask your dad something.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm good. Vanessa's good. (Vanessa sobs)

We're all good in here.

Thank you, sir.

Mandy Baxter, will you marry me?

Yes. (Chuckles)

(Laughing) Yes, Kyle, yes.

Isn't love beautiful?

Yeah. (Sobs)

Young love is. Come on. (Sobbing)

Come on, let's get you cleaned up.

Come on, come on.

Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man.

During the mating season, the call of the bull elk begins deep, resonant, and then becomes a high-pitched squeal before ending in a grunt.

Sound familiar, ladies?

Elk don't choose their mating season.

Well, this guy certainly doesn't.

Only humans pick their mating season, unless you're a human who spends a lot of time waiting in line at Comic-Con.

(Chuckling) Then your mating season may never come.

How do we know it's the right time to get married?

Are we far enough on the path?

Do we have enough money?

Is Kanye really ready to settle down?

Kanye.

Maybe there is no right time.

There's only the right person, and when you find her, you hold onto her and treat her good, because if you don't, her dad will get his good pal, the fish-and-game warden, to issue him a license for a one-day son-in-law season.

That's not a real thing, is it?

I don't know.

Is it?