The Burns and the Bees

(SINGING) The Simpsons (SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Sir, we're two minutes from landing at the billionaire's retreat. Ah! My favorite week of the year. Sophisticated financial discussions with my fellow plutocrats. Food fight! (ALL CHEERING) Take that, Ted Turner. In your face, founder of Facebook! Skinny dip! (LAUGHS EX CITEDLY) Yee-haw! (ALL CHEERING) MAN: Gangway! (ALL SHOUTING EX CITEDLY) (CHUCKLES) (HUMMING) "Men. " The room for me. (WOMEN SCREAMING) Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to dump that bees' nest on those second-grade babies. Why would I want to? Because I said, "I dare you. " Kearney, can you read it back? "Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to "dump that bees' nest on those second-grade babies. "Bart: Why would I want to? Jimbo: Because I said, 'I dare you. ' "Kearney, can you read it back? "Kearney, reading: Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to" The point is, Simpson, a dare has been placed on your nards! My nards accept! Stingamajigs! Save yourselves! Huh? Where are the bees? - No bees? - Dare annulled. - Can I appeal? - Yeah. Appeal to other guys, Captain Wuss! Other than the birth of my kid, this is my happiest moment. All the bees are dead! Aye, lass. The bees are dying, and not just here. All over the world. From Glasgow clear to Edinburgh. And no one knows why. (PLAYING AMAZING GRACE ON BAGPIPES) I've lost a lot of wee friends of late. (STIFLES SOB) Willie, I didn't know you were an apiarist. From context, I can tell that means beekeeper. 'Tis a tragedy, Lisa. No man should outlive his bees. They're stinging God now. (LAUGHING CRAZILY) And the call from the SEC was coming from inside their own brokerage house! Jeff Bezos wet his pants! I did not. That was apple juice from before! - I fold. - I raise a million dollars. And to sweeten the pot, my assistant, Smithers. If you lose me, sir, may I say what an honor it's been to Bets don't talk. They see and raise. (SMITHERS GROANS) Well, if we're betting people, I got a whole herd of them. My professional basketball team, the Austin Celtics. Well, they're hardly worth a Smithers. But we don't have all night. Can you beat nine high? Damn! Eight high! So I own a basketball team, do I? Take good care of them, Burnsie. Don't let the forwards mix with the guards. And if they're acting sluggish, slip some steroids into their cocaine. (CONTENTEDLY) Mmm-hmm. Fortune Four Lotto numbers are nine - (SNORTS) Knew it. - Seven Duh. - Three - What? - And - Boring. Dad, we have to do something! All the bees are dying! (MOCKINGLY) Oh, no! No bees? Ooh! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwiches? But, Dad, bees pollinate flowers. (SCOFFS DISMISSIVELY) Flowers. The painted whores of the plant world. No bees means no honey. (RAGGED BREATHING) Synthetic honey, just like you remember. (GASPS) Honey? (WHINING) Thank you. (MOANING) (HOMER YELLING) D'oh! I never dreamed the future could be scary. Let's go, Lisa. - We've got some worms to save. - Bees. Worms, bees, ticks, fleas. Let's go, go, go! I'm glad you called me. I know I'm not the first scientist in the phone book. That's Associate Professor Aaron Ableman. How I hate him. (GASPS) Thundering thorax! It's just exactly what I feared! In there. Close. See these red dots? This bee has been felled by bee measles. Or as I call it, beesles. Animals can get sick? I'm going to talk to the girl from now on. - You're the nerd. - What we need to do now is find enough uninfected bees to start a healthy colony. This pheromone should attract them. Marry me, and I'll support you for life. You're not a bee! This thing is useless. (GASPS) (GRUNTS INDIGNANTLY) (GASPS) There's one on Lisa. Hold still, sweetie. Daddy will kill it. (QUIETLY) And this time, no screw-ups. Stop! Stop! It's an uninfected queen! (GASPS) How do we catch her without hurting her? Unfortunately, the best method is to allow her to sting you. (LISA SCREAMS IN PAIN) Yeah. Much like that. Now squeeze around the stinger to keep her attached, and a colony of bees will soon form around your face. Now just keep them there until the colony is healthy and thriving. How long is that? Long enough that you will be known as Springfield's crazy bee girl. (LAUGHS) She likes the stingers! (MARGE HUMMING) Marge, remember when we were talking about our worst fears? Mmm-hmm. And mine was snakes, and yours was Never being a grandmother. Really? I thought it was Lisa with a beard of bees. Well, whatever. Brace yourself. President Lincoln, you've come back! And you got rid of that hat! You've got my vote! Lisa, I don't like this at all. It's not for long. But until they find a suitable habitat, this beard is the only hope for these bees. Relax, Mom. I'll mold them into a shape you know and love. Stop Milhousing your sister! Now take it off before they sting you. Actually, bees rarely sting when they're in a cluster. They only attack to defend their hive. I don't know. All it takes is one troubled Ioner. Please let me keep them for just a little longer. Okay. One night. So let's see how my burly-bottomed ball handlers are faring. (LAUGHS IN PLEASANT SURPRISE) Smithers, we're leading two to nothing. Run out the clock, boys. Run out the clock. (CROWD CHEERING) (BUZZER BUZZING) Oh, yeah! Three points! Big three in the Big D for the Big C! Mark Cuban, that's me! Who is that man? And why isn't his enthusiasm being punished? That's Mark Cuban, sir. He's the most flamboyant owner in the league. I'm out of my mind! How odd. His money seems to have bought him happiness. (PLAYING CHEERFUL MUSIC) I'd like to meet him, Smithers. So you made your money in nuclear power? I can't remember how I made my money! If you're really a billionaire, give me the secret billionaires handshake. Smithers, turn away. (GROANS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Hey! So tell me, why don't you recoil from the public like a normal billionaire? Hey, why own a basketball team if you're not gonna have any fun? "Fun"? Is that how it's pronounced? - I've only seen it written. - Hold that thought. No one's paid attention to me for 10 whole seconds. (CHAINSAW WHIRRING) It's time for this peacock to show his feathers. You know, the feathers with the big eye that trick them into thinking that's my front? Said feathers are what I'll flaunt! Mom, maybe you shouldn't have put so much syrup on the pancakes. (GULPING) The secret is not to swallow the stingers. (SPITTING) - Dad, don't eat the bees! - They're just drones, Lisa. They only live for like five minutes anyway. And they only have haploid cells, not diploid, like me and Bart! - Yeah! - Listen, Lisa, I was trying to think of a way to help your bees. And I remembered this abandoned greenhouse outside of town. Which used to be a beautiful thriving greenhouse till I was hired to run it. Your bees will have plenty of room in this old greenhouse. Plus, there are flowers. And it's near a prison, so they'll have a place to sting people. Oh, Mom, it's perfect! Go live your lives! Get off my face! I miss them. Now you know how I'll feel when you go to college. You'll always have Bart, always. But he'll be gone a lot, repairing refrigerators. Always. ANNOUNCER ON PA: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your new fun-Ioving owner. You've seen him on the cover of the December 1943 issue of Collier's Magazine, Montgomery Burns! (CROWD CHEERING) Silence! Now let's make some noise for everyone's favorite basketball team, whom I have renamed the Springfield Excitement! I knew it! Now I would like to sing our national anthem. (SINGING TO MELOD Y OF GOD SA VE THE QUEEN) My country 'tis of thee Austria, Hungary Obey your king (WHISPERING) Sir, the Archduke is dead. What? The Archduke is dead? And the empire is destroyed. - Then what happened? - World War I. - Then what? - World War II. - Then what? - A postwar period. - Then what? - The Cold War. Then what? Then what? (SMITHERS WHISPERING UNINTELLIGIBLY) - Then what? - The European Union. A European union? Good heavens. MR. BURNS: Ladies, hold on to your husbands. It's time for the saucy antics of Springfield's own Basket-Belles! (LIVEL YPIANO MUSIC PLA YING) (CROWD BOOING) Enough of this vulgarity! Back to your brothel, harlots! Now enjoy your game and the madcap antics of the freewheeling title holder of this asset, me! (HIP-HOPHOORA YPLAYING OVER PA) Hip-Hop hooray! Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! (RAPPING) You drew a picture of my morning But you couldn't make my day (GUNSHOT) - Sir, were those real bullets? - Yes. Was that a real gorilla? - No. - I see. (CROWD CHATTERING ANGRILY) Sir, your escapades, while well intentioned, seem to be driving away our fans. We have to turn this business around. Time to think outside the boxiola. What would Mark Cuban do? I'm out of my mind! That's not much help. Build a new arena, state-of-the-art! New arena. (SCREAMING) (GASPING) That's it, men! Pave and tar the way God intended! Mr. Burns, you can't do this! I can, I shall, and in the future, I will have done! I cannot be stopped. Kill his acorns and make him watch. First, one announcement. I regret to inform you we are not offering childcare tonight. I don't know who that guy was you were leaving your kids with. Now without further ado, let's get ready to referendum! There's only one place in town where the bees can survive, and Mr. Burns wants to tear it down. (MR. BURNS GULPS) Please, people. You didn't listen to me about the snail darter. You didn't listen to me about the osprey. And you didn't listen to me about the javelina! The feisty pig of the desert? Apparently not feisty enough. Future generations will judge us by how we cared for the tiniest creatures. I am not just asking you to save the bees. I am asking you to save your souls! (CROWD WHISTLING) Excellent speech. Just excellent. I no longer wish to build my magnificent new basketball stadium. - You don't? - Heavens no. No skyboxes. No kiss cam. Nor will we have the chance to marvel at number-one draft pick Muk Mu, the human North Pole. (ALL EX CLAIMING) No. I'm afraid he'll be on the first kayak back to Ketchikan. - ALL: No! - Please don't take our freak! I love you, Muk Mu! - Muk Mu! Muk Mu! - Muk Mu! Muk Mu! All those in favor of building this decadent monument to excess, - say aye. - ALL: Aye! (SIGHS) Nay. I know it's not your fault, Muk Mu. You're a gentle, loving soul. (MUK MU SPEAKING ESKIMO LANGUAGE) What's wrong with your bees, Lisa? Mr. Burns took away their sanctuary. And now they aren't strong enough to survive on their own! I'm going home. Give me the keys to my bike lock. - Are you sure? - Give me the keys! Okay, okay. I don't know why I had them in the first place. (LISA GRUMBLING) I'd do anything to cheer up my little girl. Really? Listen, Homer. In the back room, I got these super tough Africanized bees. I saw this ad in a gentlemen's magazine for excited African honeys, and that's what they sent me. If we could combine them with Lisa's bees, it would make them strong enough to survive any environment. But how are we supposed to combine the DNA of two strains of the same species? Actually, Homer - (GASPS) You and me? - No. The bees! Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what I meant, too. I have no inclination. Got the queen? Yup. And she's ready for a night of anonymous sex with multiple partners. Now let's give 'em some privacy while they get down to "buzziness. " (MOE CHUCKLES) (SEA OF LOVEPLAYING) Come with me, my love To the sea The sea of love (SNIFFLES) If they was me, they'd be done by now. (LISA PANTING) Wow, this must be important, Dad. I've never seen you walk up an incline before. Sweetie, I have a very special surprise for you. My bees? Your bees died days ago! (BEES BUZZING) These are their angry mutant descendants! And they're tough enough to live in any environment. They sound awfully mad. Are they dangerous? Hmm. I'm not sure. Let me check. Are you guys dangerous? A simple "yes" would've sufficed! (LISA SCREAMS) Don't worry, Lisa. Where else are they gonna go? To that new stadium that looks exactly like a hive! Welcome to the American dream. A billionaire using public funds to construct a private playground for the rich and powerful. And now, so our skybox owners can really enjoy the game, I shall let in the sky! (BEES BUZZING) (CROWD CRYING FRANTICALLY) Stop! I am one of you! We've been invaded by a swarm of killer bees. My microphone is no microphone at all. It's bees! Am I being badly stung? Yes. And it hurts. (SCREAMING) (COMICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLA YING) (ALL SCREAMING IN PAIN) (SPEAKING ESKIMO LANGUAGE) Our bullets are useless! Okay, they're useful on me. Oh! They've found a home! You've won this round. But when next we meet, the beekeeper will be the beekeepee. (LAUGHING) (MR. BURNS SCREAMING) Help me, Muk Mu! (SIGHS) (SPEAKING ESKIMO LANGUAGE) So that's how I was outfoxed by a little girl and her halfwit companion when my beautiful stadium was declared a bee sanctuary, and I had to take a third-quarter write-down of 804 million dollars. Wait a minute! Someone crunch the numbers! He's only worth $996,036,000! (ALL GASP) He's not a billionaire at all! Wait, wait, wait! It's only a matter of four million. I'm sure I can find that somewhere. I have $50 here in my wallet. Mark, can you get me off the hook for old times' sake? Can't do it, Monty. (GASPS) Don't worry. You'll feel a lot more comfortable (MOCKING) in the millionaire's camp. No! No! Just kill me now! (SOUTHERN ACCENT) Howdy do! I own a minor league hockey team! (SCREAMING)