Mr. Big

Narrator: In a penthouse office, high above the city, a mysterious man is speaking… mysteriously!

Mysterious Man: Ahh, my beautiful city! Soon no one will stand in my way!

Narrator: Who is this mysterious man? What is he planning?

Mysterious Man: Oh, YOU’LL find out! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!  (Turns to face the camera. He is wearing a purple mask. Then he presses a button and picks up a squishy bunny toy.)

Narrator: You see? Mysterious!

(His assistant opens the door to his office.)

Mysterious Man: Carry out-- the plan!

Assistant: Yes, sir.

Mysterious Man: Ooh, city… you’re like a soft little bunny… and soon you’ll be mine to squeeze... (squeezes on the bunny toy) ...and hug, and press your soft bunny fur against my-- (The door opens again) Yes?

Assistant: (clears throat) Which plan do you want me to carry out, sir?

Mysterious Man: Th-the… the Plan!

Assistant: Well, you have to be more  specific . You have like eight or nine plans going on!

Mysterious Man: Well, um-- number-- four?

Assistant: The one with the clowns and the roast beef sandwich?

Mysterious Man: No, no, the one with the thing! (The assistant is still confused.) You know? The thing?

Assistant: Oh, right. Plan number one. (Leaves and closes the door.)

Mysterious Man: Soon, my soft and squishy little bunny-- city-- (the door opens again) What?

Assistant: Plan one-A or one-B?

(He looks put off, then stops to think it over.)

Narrator: Meanwhile, walking home from school…

(Scene: A sidewalk. Becky and Bob are walking together.)

Becky: I know you get a little bored in class, Bob, but I don’t think my school offers physics! (Bob points to something.) Hmm, that’s new! (She reads from a nearby billboard.) “What is the Thing?” (Bob says something) Yes, I supposed it could be. (He continues talking.) Well, there’s no sense guessing, it could be anything at all! I mean, the question is way too  vague ! (Bob rubs his stomach) Ohh, is that all you ever think about?

(A man walks by wearing an advertising sign. Becky reads what it says.)

Becky: “The Thing… Coming Soon.” (Looks at Bob, who is now wearing a cap advertising The Thing.) Where did you get that hat?

(Scene: The Botsford house, later that evening. Tim, Sally, and TJ are staring at something, but we can’t see what it is yet. Sally Botsford is holding a large bag of potatoes.)

Mrs. Botsford: Oh hun, it’s beautiful!

Mr. Botsford: The ad did say it’s the best! And if you can’t trust advertising, who can you trust? (Mrs. Botsford laughs.)

Becky:  Hey Mom, Dad, TJ.

Mrs. Botsford: Hi hun!

Mr. Botsford: Becky! Just in time to see the newest addition to the Botsford family!

Mrs. Botsford: The Radiator Microwave 9000!

Mr. Botsford: Let’s power this baby up! And now, to set the coordinates to potato!

(He puts a potato in, presses several buttons, and the machine powers up. After several seconds, Tim Botsford claps and opens the door.)

Mr. Botsford: Mmm! (There is a perfectly cooked potato inside.)

Mrs. Botsford: Hun! (All of the potatoes in the bag she is holding have been cooked.)

Mr. Botsford: Now that’s impressive!

(The television suddenly comes on. The voice of the mysterious man can be heard over the commercial.)

Mysterious Man: Oh! No! Mustard spill! Your favorite shirt ruined? Or is it? Introducing… The Thing!

(Everyone except for Becky appears to be in a trance. Their eyes have a greenish tint, and they are staring intently at the TV.)

Becky: Oh, I saw a bunch of ads for that on the way home. They were too  vague  to really--

Mr. Botsford: Shh! Becky! The TV is on!

Mrs. Botsford: It’s time for commercials!

Becky: Sorry!

Mysterious Man: It’s the Thing! The Thing can do all sorts of stuff. Get one today at a special low, low price! Keep one in your car, on your boat. You can never have enough Things! Quantities are limited, so run out and get your Thing today!

Becky: Wow! Is anyone really gonna fall for that? I mean, what does the Thing do? The ad never said anything  specific ! (As Becky is speaking, everyone else is walking behind her. She hears the door open.) Hey, where are you guys going?

Mr. Botsford: To get the Thing, of course!

Mrs. Botsford: Come on! I’ve got to hurry before they sell out!!

Becky: Hmm… mysterious!

Narrator: Oh, so THAT’s what he was planning!

Becky: That’s what WHO was planning?

Narrator: Oh, uh, I can’t tell you, or the show won’t have any suspense. Plus I’ll get fired.

Becky: Fine! We’ll just have to figure it out ourselves, right Bob? Bob?

(Bob is apparently wanting to go with the rest of the family to get the Thing, so she restrains him and then changes into WordGirl.)

Becky: Word UP!

(Scene: The grocery store. The manager is standing in an empty box, holding back a crowd of people.)

Grocery Store Manager: Everyone, I’m sorry! But we’ve just run out of the Thing! (The crowd groans.)

Mrs. Botsford: Hey! What’s that in your pocket?!

Grocery Store Manager: Uh--

Mr. Botsford: He’s got more Things!

Mrs. Botsford: GIVE IT UP! (Everyone rushes the manager.)

Grocery Store Manager: HELP!

WordGirl: Everyone, STOP! You’re being tricked! The Thing doesn’t do anything!

Mrs. Botsford: Yes it does! It does so much stuff!

Mr. Botsford: The commercial said I need one for my boat!

WordGirl: You don’t have a boat!

Mr. Botsford: (to Sally) Hun, we need a boat for our Thing!

WordGirl: You dont need a Thing!

Mr. Botsford: But the commercial said--

WordGirl: The commercial wasn’t  specific ! It was extremely  vague !

Grocery Store Manager: And  vague  means…?

WordGirl: Not  specific .

Grocery Store Manager: and  specific  means?

WordGirl: Not  vague .

Everyone: Oh!

WordGirl: You still don’t get it do you?

Everyone: No.

WordGirl: Ok, well the commercial for the Thing just said it can do all sorts of stuff. It didn’t name any  specific  examples of what it can do. It was, in fact, very-- (waits for an answer)

Everyone   Vague !

WordGirl: Right! Got it?

Everyone: Got it!

WordGirl: Good, so it’s kind of silly to get all worked up over the Thing, right?

Everyone: Right!

Delivery Man: Uh, can anyone sign for this big shipment of brand new Things?

(Everyone screams and clamors over them. Paper goes flying, and WordGirl grabs a piece and looks at it.)

WordGirl: Hmm. Mr. Big Industries! Well, maybe it’s time we paid this Mr. Big a little visit, right Captain Huggy Face? (He is trying to take a Thing from a nearby baby. She grabs him up.) Come on! (Flies away)

Narrator: Meanwhile, back at the mysterious man’s office… Psst! Mysterious man!

Mr. Big: What?

Narrator: You think maybe you could, uh--

Mr. Big: I’m sorry, you’re going to have to buy one like everyone else!

Narrator: Drat!

Assistant: (through intercom) Sir, there’s a little girl and a monkey in tights here to see you.

Mr. Big: Mm, yes! Send them in!

WordGirl: Are you the head of this company?

Mr. Big: Yes, and you can call me Mr. Big! Now what can I do for you, WordGirl? Would you like a tour, see where we make The Thing?

WordGirl: No, that’s okay! I just want to talk to you for a sec about The Thing.

Mr. Big: Yes, it’s an amazing product, isn’t it?

WordGirl: I’m not sure! What exactly does The Thing do, exactlly?

Mr. Big: Well, the public seems to love it!

WordGirl: That doesn’t answer my question!

Mr. Big: They’re selling like hotcakes!

WordGirl: Just answer the question!

Mr. Big: And-- what question was that?

WordGirl: What does The Thing do?

Mr. Big: Right! All sorts of things.

WordGirl: Like?

Mr. Big: Stuff.

WordGirl: What kind of stuff?

Mr. Big: Things.

WordGirl: What kind of things?

Mr. Big: Stuff.

WordGirl: Stop being  vague ! Tell me  specific ally what stuff!

Mr. Big: Okay, fine, if you have no imagination. (clears throat, then presses a button. A screen comes down and the room goes dark.) This little Thing is made from a mixture of space-age polymers. It’s unbreakable! It’s scientifically designed by scientists to do all the stuff you’ve always dreamed of doing! In fact, this Thing can do so much stuff that the sheer amount of stuff it can do cannot be listed! There’s just too much stuff! The Thing is, quite simply, amazing! There. Satisfied?

WordGirl: No! Not at all! Your speech was just as  vague  as your ads!

Mr. Big: So, is being  vague  a crime?

WordGirl: Well, no-- but…

Mr. Big: I’m sorry, but I don’t have all day to explain it to you! You’ll just have to buy one and see for yourself! That is, if you can find one! They’re quite popular, you know. (He sets one down in front of Huggy.) Now please, leave my office, WordGirl!

(Huggy, whose eyes are focused on the Thing, tries to grab it but WordGirl takes him by the wrist and prepares to leave. Just then, the assistant wheels in a strange-looking device.)

Assistant: Mr. Big, sir? Here’s the mind control device you wanted for phase 2.

WordGirl: Mind control device? Well, nothing  vague  about THAT!

Mr. Big: (laughs innocently)

WordGirl: I’m about to put you out of business!

Mr. Big: Oh, really? Here, catch! (Throws a Thing at WordGirl, and she catches it. Then she shakes her hand with a confused look, as the object seems to be stuck to her.)

WordGirl: Ooh! It’s all… sticky!

Mr. Big: That would be the glue! Now, what’s your sidekick’s name again?

WordGirl: Captain Huggy Face.

Mr. Big: Really?

WordGirl: Yeah.

Mr. Big: Wow. Ok, uh… (in a hypnotic voice) Captain Huggy Face, listen to me. That is the very last Thing in the entire world! And she wants it all to herself!

WordGirl: That’s not true!

Mr. Big: You want the Thing, don’t you? Well, go get it! (Huggy jumps onto WordGirl and tries to get it from her.)

WordGirl: Huggy! Stop!

Mr. Big: That’s it! Grab her!

WordGirl: Huggy! Let me go!

Mr. Big: I wonder why this isn’t working on you, WordGirl? (looks at the machine) Oh, I have it set on earthlings and alien monkeys, we’ll just fix that-- alien little girls! (reading the display) “Must restart to change settings.” All right, well, WordGirl, when I restart this machine, you TOO will be under my control! And then no one will stop me from taking over the city! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Squishy bunny, squishy bunny! (He prepares to push a large button to restart)

Narrator: Can WordGirl escape the clutches of a deranged Captain Huggy Face? Will WordGirl--

WordGirl: Actually, do you think we can hold off on the cliffhanger for a second?

Narrator: Wah-- No, uh, it says right here, this is where we have the cliffhanger!

WordGirl: No, I know, I just don’t think we need it right now.

Narrator: Oh! So, you don’t need me!

WordGirl: No, that’s not what I’m saying!

Narrator: (sobbing) You never liked me!

WordGirl: What do you mean? Of course I do!

Mr. Big: Guys, do you mind?

WordGirl: Oh, right. Uh, sorry.

Mr. Big: Here we go-- (goes back to preparing to push the large button)

Assistant: Sir? This just came in from development.

Mr. Big: Bring it here!

Assistant: Yes sir.

Mr. Big: Well, WordGirl, before I take over your mind, I want you to see my greatest invention! Introducing-- The Mega-Thing!

WordGirl: So now you have a bigger Thing that still does absolutely nothing!

Mr. Big: Yes! It’s genius! The original Thing caused a mob scene in the city. When I release the Mega-Thing, there will be absolute chaos!

WordGirl: You fiend!

Mr. Big: Yes, well, when you’ve got it, you’ve got it! But, enough chit-chat. Say goodbye to your brain, WordGirl! (prepares to push the large button again)

WordGirl: Huggy, see that Mega-Thing? You want it? (He says yes.) Well, that man doesn’t want you to have it! He wants it all to himself! So, GO GET HIM!

(Huggy attacks Mr. Big. After a brief tussle, Mr. Big gets back up.)

Mr. Big: And now to-- (presses the button, but nothing happens. He looks over, and WordGirl is holding the mangled machine above her head.)  Oh.

WordGirl: Well, Mr. Big, it looks like your store is CLOSED!

(People all over the city suddenly drop their Things, or stop fighting over them.)

Mr. Big: All right. Well, no problem, I still have my-- Mega-Thing! (WordGirl pushes it at him, pinning him against the window.)

WordGirl: Ha! Finally, a  specific  use for it! (Huggy stumbles over to her, still shaken up.) You okay, Huggy?

Assistant: Sir! We just got word that our rival, Mondo-Megacorp, just released this!

Mr. Big: What is that?

Assistant: They’re calling it the Mega Object, and saying it’s even better than The Thing!

Mr. Big: Yeah, well that’s pretty--  vague . I mean, who would buy that?

Assistant: Well, they just sold out across town in eight minutes flat!

Mr. Big: And they’re not even using mind control?

Assistant: It appears not, sir!

WordGirl: Whoops! Heh-heh-heh!

Mr. Big: Where’s the fun in that?

WordGirl: Well, Mr. Big, we’ll see how much fun you have in prison! (pauses, then looks up, and talks to the narrator) Uh, the episode’s over, so-- hit it!

Narrator: Oh, so NOW you need me?

WordGirl: Of course! We all do! Come on! Don’t be like that.

Narrator: Ah. I can’t stay mad at you. And so, WordGirl is once again victorious! And Mr. Big gets a new office! Or to be more  specific , a new jail cell!

WordGirl: Good one!

Narrator: Ah, you’re just trying to butter me up. And it’s working! (clears throat) Tune in next time for another exciting episode of WordGirl!