Now and Gwen

[ Snoring ] Gwen! Where are you?! [ Thunder crashes ] [ Suspenseful music plays ] Gwen? Has anyone seen my sister, Gwen? [ Thunder crashes ] [ Fire crackling ] Gwen! Got a light? [ Foosh! ] [ Snarls ] Aah! [ Deep voice ] This girl is on fire! [ Snarls ] Scott: Psst. Up here. Francine: [ Gasps ] Scott Baio! Are you here to save me? Sort of. I'm here to tell you you're pulling on push doors. Oh. [ Gwen snarls ] [ Light switch clicks ] Bad dream? [ Sighs ] I-I-I guess I'm nervous about my sister coming to visit today. Also, I really need to get over my obsession with Scott Baio. Good luck. [ Snores ] Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the American race oh, boy, it's swell to say Good -- Good morning, U. S. A. Come on, let's finish breakfast so we can clean up before Gwen gets here. God, you always turn into a nervous wreck when it comes to aunt Gwen. Nonsense. Now, who wants coffee? Woof! Klaus, you take decaf, right? In the evenings, yes, but in the morning, I drink [slurring] whatever. Hey, let's dance. Where are you going? Oh, you should have seen your mom last night. Nightmare after nightmare. She was a-tossin' and a-turnin', like a T. Rex on its back. [ Growling ] Boy, oh, boy, did she look stupid. Just dumb. Here, see for yourself. [ Stan laughing ] Boy, oh, boy, do you look stupid. Just dumb. It seems like forever since Gwen's been here. Mom, why is your relationship with aunt Gwen so weird? Is -- is it because you're adopted? No. Is it because I'm so vocal about how attracted I am to her? No, although it isn't my all-time favorite thing. She's a [high-pitched] fox. Can't wait to see my sexy aunt. [ Vocalizing ] Who I'm not related to by blood. [ Clears throat ] The problem is -- aunt Gwen is a convicted criminal, and all she ever does is use mom. She's my sister. Sometimes she leans on me. "Leans" on you? The last time she visited, she rented a car in your name and drove it through her bookie's apartment. When we toured universities, we had to take the bus everywhere. What you do you care? You ended up at community college. 'Cause that's where the bus went! She's family! I can't turn her away. That's exactly what you should do. [ Light switch clicking, thunder rumbling ] Drama! What is that? It's a thunder sheet. It's useful for highlighting dramatic moments. I ordered it when Stan's mom was gonna sleep with the gardener. She didn't do that. Yeah. She did. But nobody knew it because it wasn't highlighted. [ Rumbling ] He might not have mowed the lawn for two weeks, but he took real good care of that bush. [ Rumbling ] I'll be using this as a rim shot, as well. Klaus: [ Slurring ] There's a cab pulling up! Now there's a plane in the sky. Well, well, well, if there isn't a little dog across the street. Sober up, Klaus. Stan, Steve, Gwen's here! Stan: Hup! Steve: Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! I thought you said Gwen was here. [ Doorbell rings ] Hello, Francine. Gwen, you look great. Wow, Gwen's so beautiful. I-it's making me have feelings I don't understand. Ah, that's the tingle of desire for a woman you have no chance of hooking up with. It's so frustrating. That's why I've developed a sad technique that allows me to get physically inappropriate with a person without them knowing. I call it "the hug. " I know what a hug is, dad. Oh. Okay. Well, then, good luck to you. Oh, no, dad, I-I'm sorry. I-I spoke too soon. You did. You did speak too soon. Now watch this. Gwen, it's been too long. Face to neck. Hand to lower back. Pec to boob. I don't know shit about hugging. Aaaaand five Mississippi. What? I'm afraid our time's up. Teach me that. Hi, Steve. Nooo-oo-oo! So, what brings you to town? [ Chuckles nervously ] I hope you're not on the lam or anything. Can't a sister visit a sister without needing an alibi? [ Doorbell rings ] I need an alibi. That's my probation officer. I've lived here for 18 months. Oh, and none of us have been selling fake cellphones. Together: What?! [ Light switch clicking, rumbling ] Drama. Who is that? Get him out of here. Roger. Fine, fine. I'm going. Just let me pack my thunder sheet. Oh, what is the code? Okay, three-digit number, obviously. I think it was Brigitte Nielsen's weight. So the first number is 2. Hmm. Hmm. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. [ Scoffs ] Seriously, who is this guy?! [ Sighs ] [ Soft rumbling ] [ Loud crash ] He lives in the attic. He's human. [ Birds chirping ] So, you claim you've lived here for Right, Francine? You bet. I've been teaching my sister how to walk again after her trolley-car accident. Show her what I taught you, Francine. O-okay. This is crazy. I know. Your aunt is a miracle worker, but your mom, obviously, has a long way to go. So, I guess there's no way you could have been in Houston last month selling fake cellphones to the elderly. That's awful! It sure is. One last thing -- I need to check your purse for narcotics. Oh, Gwen, thank you for bringing the sweet'n low I asked for. [ Slurps ] We're so goddamn rich, this is how we drink our coffee! [ Slurps ] Roger, Roger, you're missing all kinds of drama downstairs. I know, but my fellow cartographer Michael Edward Upton is dying, and I must go to him. Oh, no. Is he a dear friend? He was, but we had a falling-out. He fell out of an airplane with a pirate chest of treasure we'd stolen. Only he knows where he buried it, but only I have the key. A standoff of sorts. For 20 years, but now it's time to unbury the hatchet. Oh, part of the treasure was a priceless hatchet. Of course. The timing couldn't be worse, though. I'm needed here, flicking lights on and off, making thunder sounds, and announcing drama. I could do those things. Hang on, let me see what my understudy is up to. [ Telephone rings ] [ Insects buzzing ] Okay, you got the job. But you report to him. Well, Gwen, I'm happy to say that it's clear you are not involved in any criminal activity. Be good. [ Engine turns over ] Bye! Drive safe. Put the fake phones in her room. She'll show you where it is. Are you -- are you planning to stay? Yeah, I'm gonna be doing business around here for a little while. Mom, she's lying to her probation officer. She's got a truck full of fake phones. Yeah, Gwen. What is going on? The less you know, the better. Okay. [ Upbeat music plays ] Mom, you need to see what Gwen put in the garage. Show me new car! Gwen's running a sweatshop. You can't let her do this here. I'm surprised at you. This seems like a wonderful opportunity to learn about Indian culture. [ Foreign accent ] We're not Indian. We're Sri Lankan. Oh. We have rich and storied heritage. I'm just not into it. Mom, I've dropped Psychology 101 six times, so I know exactly what you're doing. You're enabling her. Look, Gwen's had a tough road. I know, I know. She burned down your high school, and it destroyed her life. But she is an adult now, and you don't have to keep cleaning up her messes. [ Scraping ] [ Grunting ] Is the drama over? Oh, damn it. Stupid thing is so heavy. No. This is your fault, Klaus. You wanted this job. Now do it right! Michael Edward Upton, my old friend. I came as soon as I heard. Where'd you bury the treasure, Michael? I almost forgot about it, too, just like you said I would. But then your name popped up on a Google coma alert. Led me right to you. So, I ask you once again -- where did you bury it, Michael? I see. Think you're gonna hide behind the coma? [ Chuckles ] You always did go for the big moves, didn't you? But I got some moves of my own! [ Fabric tears ] Why did I hide this coffee? They probably would have let me carry this in here. Wakey-wakey. [ Cellphone vibrating ] Oh, another coma alert. Val Kilmer?! Oh, waking up after 20 years. Now, the key thing to a successful hug is to remember "kiss. " That means keep it simple, stupid, not kiss, which you should never try to do during a hug. In fact, forget kiss. Get kiss right out of your brain 'cause we are here to learn about hugs, which are easy to get if you remember to "kiss," but not kiss. Never kiss. Now, then, "hugs" -- how you get satisfaction Stupid. [ Sighs ] You're looking confused. This is so easy. Satisfaction breaks down into "S," which stands for satisfaction. Uh, doi! "A" is for apple. "A" always stands for apple. There's nothing we can do about that. "T" -- torso, which is where the hug lives. "I" -- ay-yi-yi, what a hug! "S" -- satisfaction, again. This one will break down slightly differently than the one we're doing now, but we'll get to that later. "F" -- Francine. I love Francine. I just do. Back to "A" -- stands for alphabet. It always does. Sri Lankans make such delicious kind of bread! Eh. Who doesn't? [ Door opens ] What are you doing in here? Where are you supposed to be?! Garage! Don't let them in here. They're just looking for their passports. Now, I need you to put this human liver in the fridge. Why do you have a human liver? I don't. You have a human liver. I have nothing to do with it. So, I'm gonna wash up, and then you're driving me to Chimdale to sell that thing. Is this my cooler? My sandwich was in here. My sandwich. Dad, this is -- this is getting serious. A-are you gonna do something about Gwen? I should say so. Steve's about to perv on her big-time. I just hope I do it right. [ Chuckles ] You will. The only thing you have to know is the meaning of every letter and the order in which I told them to you. Remember everything! Go, go, go! Oh, my God, there's so much to remember. "S" is for satisfaction. Aunt Gwen! Yes, Steve? Uh, apple. Aaah! [ Groans ] Daddy, I-I bit my tongue, and I got stuck. So, Steve is, uh, a little special? That could work, yes. Dad, you told her I'm a slow kid! Steve, who among us gets to hug longer or harder than our special friends? Mr. Metheeny, the creepy music teacher at school. What you do at school is your business, Steve. [ Brakes squeak ] I'll be right back. But this is a bad neighborhood! Relax. Just think of it as a farmers market for pills and illegal guns. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. [ Door lock clicks ] Oh, thank God. He's friendly. [ Door lock clicks ] Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. [ Door lock clicks ] Open up, open up, open up, open up! Stop pulling the handle! Stop! Open up, open up, open up, open up! Wait! Open up, open up, open up, open up! Stop pulling the handle! [ Door lock clicks ] Christ, you're worse than the kids. Why do you still have the liver? [ Gasps ] I don't know what happened. I saw the money, I saw the liver, and I thought, "Maybe I could have it all. " [ Gunshot ] Drive, drive, drive! [ Engine revs, tires squeal ] [ Gunshots ] Oh, my God, mom, what happened?! [ Weakly ] Great news, Hayley -- we got the money and the liver. Gwen, I am sick of this, and so is my mom. She has spent her whole life helping you, and you have never once done anything for her. Huh. She told you that? Yeah, she's just too nice to tell you. So it's time for you to go. Fine, I'm gone. But you tell your mom that someday she'll understand how I felt all these years. Someday soon. Somedaytoday. Uncle Gwen! I was under the ice for six minutes. Oh, Stevie. But you made it. Black doctor says I was almost a angel. Oh, hand to lower back. Crotch to thigh. Face in the cleavage. He got all three points of contact. Oh, my God, what's he doing? He's going for a fourth point. Stan: He's cupping a bun. That's insane. Touchdown, son! Betty Crocker bakes cakes. Yes, she does. Bye, Stan. [ Chanting ] Apple! Apple! Apple! [ Head thuds ] [ Steve groans ] Apple! Apple! Where's Gwen? Gone. I knew you couldn't do it, so I kicked her out. How did she react to that? It was hard to know what she was reacting to 'cause I was opening up both barrels on her. You know, I was like, "Never come back, or you're gonna get a face full of knuckles," and then she whined like a little bitch. [ High-pitched ] "Maybe one day your mom will see how I feel. Maybe today. " [ Normal voice ] Uh, she wasn't making any sense. Probably because she was so scared. [ Door opens ] Ms. Francine, I know we have to stay in garage -- and don't get me wrong, we love garage -- but Ms. Gwen, she spill much gasoline when she take your fuel cans. Many ladies sleeping now. Oh, God! She's gonna go burn down the school and make everyone think I did it! Why on earth would she do that? 'Cause that's what I did to her 25 years ago. What?! [ Rumbling ] Klaus: Drama! [ Grunting ] [ Tires squeal ] I am blown away that you have been lying about aunt Gwen all these years. Okay, let's get to the bottom of this. You say "ahnt" when everyone else in the family says "ant. " What's the deal with that? I can't believe you're changing the subject! [ Snootily ] Oh, "cahn't" you? Mom, why did you frame her? [ Normal voice ] I didn't. When I was a freshman, Gwen was a senior. She was the coolest girl in school, probably because she was lab monitor. One day after school, I was waiting for Gwen to finish her cool lab inventory when a boy came in. He made a particularly clever joke about experiments and sexual chemistry. But where was my prince charming? I thought if I acted like Gwen, I could have everything she had. So I pulled out her pack of wagon burners. She only smoked the most provocative brand. And I tried one. Wait, you smoked in the science lab?! You think I give a shit? [ Coughs ] I don't know what firemen use to put out fires, but it's definitely not denatured alcohol. [ Door slams ] [ Fire roars ] Unfortunately, the lab was right next to the room where we stored our school's mascot, the oily rag. Go, rags! Anyways, everything went up super fast, and when the firemen put it out, they found what started it. Shh. Since then, I've done everything I can to cover for her. Oh, that's why we're always mailing bags of pee. [ Monitor beeping ] This ought to do it. [ Engine revving ] [ Electricity zapping ] It worked. [ People screaming, revving stops ] It worked! Idios mÃ­o! Â¿DÃ³nde estoy? What?! Wait, Michael Edward Upton does not speak Spanish. Edward James Olmos speaks Spanish. Nurse! Who the hell is this? I thought Michael Edward Upton was in this room. The eccentric cartographer? No, he checked out two days ago. I remember him because he paid his bill in what appeared to be pirate treasure. Wait, that means he has the chestandthe key. But then what's this? Oh, I guess it's just my house key. [ Liquid splashing ] Oh, good. You're here. It'll make it a lot easier to frame you. Don't do this, Gwen. Please, aunt Gwen. [ Snootily ] "Ahnt"? Get a load of her majesty. My mom explained everything. I understand now. So you know the truth. Itook the blame for the fire. Yes, but you chose to. You didn't have to. Of course I had to. She's my little sister, and I was protecting her. And you've chosen to keep bailing her out every time she gets in trouble. Why do you think you do that? Because Ilove her? Yes. And, aunt Gwen, you did what you did because? I wanted the money? No, no, when you protected my mom. Oh, right, yeah. I guess it was love. Aww, sis, I'm so sorry. I love you. I love you, too. Smoke 'em peace pipe? Spark it up. No! Francine: Why does this keep happening to us?! You guys, get out of here. But what about you?! Someone's got to take the blame for it. This time, it'll be me. [ Helicopter blades whirring ] Man: Please surrender farther away from the still-exploding building. Stand up! Run! Behave like a person who wants to live! I can't believe you get a suspended sentence and I get jail time. Let's not get bogged down in who violated their parole and whose husband called in a favor with a local judge. The important thing is, we've let go of the past. We're totally free. I'mnot! And when I get out of here, I'm coming for you, sis. I will have my revenge! [ Light switch clicking, rumbling ] Klaus: Drama! Look at me! I'm doing it. I'm doing it! No touching the lights!