A Nice Night for a Drive

1 God, I love the local news. Every summer, they tell me how to beat the heat, and every summer it works. You know, in other local news, I was walking through a parking lot yesterday and [coughs] some ruffians approached and [coughs] Sorry, I can't shake this cough. And these ruffians stole my [coughs] Butt virginity? No, my [coughs] Travel-sized mouthwash? Butt virginity? No, my [coughs] Zagnut candy bar, dude. God, Klaus, you're the only guy who could start a story in a parking lot and have it turn out terrible. Ugh, I hate going to the doctor. Thanks for coming, Stan. I must say, I'm a little surprised you did. Yeah, me, too. Maybe I'm depressed. I heard "depressed"? Did I already give you the bad news? There's bad news? I don't know, let's see. We are talking about Klaus, the goldfish, with - AIDS. - [Gasps] No, that's not right. Klaus doesn't have AIDS. Klaus here has fish cough, which is extremely common. [Sighs] And extremely deadly. [Gasps] But who has AIDS? Someone has AIDS. Yeah, I feel like I read something about someone having AIDS. Right? Guys! True, it is mainly guys who get AIDS. But which one? Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U. S. A. Aah! Good morning, U. S. A. Well, we tried. [Sighs] So, there is a surgery that'll save your fish's life. It is $10,000. Let's talk alternatives. Let's talk rest and rehab. You can't rest or rehab "fish cough. " Can't or won't? Five bucks? And that was mine! I gave it to you for parking! Look, sir, here's the bottom line without the surgery, your pet has a 1% chance of survival. 1%?! I'm a Powerball man. Those are great odds. But, Stan, maybe the surgery Is a pyramid scheme? You're right, Klaus. Mary Kay was too good to be true, and so is this! [All snickering] Man: Del Taco, may I take your order? Yeah, we'd like [snorts] four ice waters, please. [Laughter] Four ice waters coming up. [Laughter] Vrum, vrum, vrum, vrum, vrum! Vrum, vrum, vrum, vrum, vrum! Errrrrk! Oh, sorry, didn't know you worked Ice waters? As far as pranks go, this is as lame as it gets, boys. Step it up! Live a little! Go throw eggs off the overpass or something. That's a prank! Now if you don't mind, I'm in the middle of a little pickle here. A homeless man has barricaded himself in the bathroom, and literally every customer has diarrhea. [Cellphone chimes, vibrates] "When will you be home? Trying to figure out dinner. " God, Francine is obsessed with me. Hey, Stan, what if we go to the C. I. A. and have them put me in another body? Great thought! Unfortunately, we don't have bodies just lying around like we used to. They shred them now. Oh. It's too bad the surgery's so expensive. [Coughs] I know you have a family to support and Steve will be going to college in a few years. Is that definite? He's got his eye on Arizona State because of all the [coughing] sluts on campus. I know what'll cheer you up! Navi-Joe, play big band jazz. [Device beeps] [Big band music plays] New sound system? Not just a sound system, Klaus An everything system. It's the brain of the car. It can brake, it can park, and it talks. Whoa! Sounds expensive. Not really. Navi-Joe, tell him how much you cost. [Music stops, device beeps] Navi-Joe is a steal at $9,000. 9 grand? I paid 10. You spent that much to soup up your car, but not to save my live? Klaus, you're thinking about this all wrong. That money is already spent on Navi-Joe. [Device beeps, music continues] [Laughs] I just remembered I actually paid $11,000 for Navi-Joe. I tipped the salesman several times throughout the negotiation, kept him motivated until the end. [Crying] Navi-Joe, drive! [Tires screech] That's the spirit! Take Navi-Joe for a spin while you still can! I kind of got a Make-A-Wish thing happening here. [Ding] "See cashier for receipt. " Every time. [Breathes deeply] LoJack says he's just a mile down the road. God, I hope he's okay. Honey, he's a grown fish. Klaus can take care of himself. Klaus? I'm talking about Navi-Joe. Who's Navi-Joe? My best friend. I thought I was your best friend. Really? [Brakes squeak] Oh, God, it looks like an accident! I'm coming for you, Navi-Joe! Ooh. Authorized personnel only, sir. Ugh. [Breathing deeply] [Crying] [Gasps] He's cold. Klaus's voice: Well, I am German. Oh, ah, gross, he's alive! Hell yeah, I am! I found a way to cheat death. Remember that show "My Mother the Car"? Well, change the word "car" to "fish" and the word "mother" to "car" and the word "the" to "is now my former" because your car is now your former fish, bro! How did you get in my car, Klaus? I'm alive, Stan. I thought you'd be happy about this. I'll be happy when I know what you did to Navi-Joe. Oh, don't worry about Navi-Schmoe. I can do more than he could ever do. And more. Have you ever seen the fountains at the Bellagio? Child's play. Enough with the razzle-dazzle. Tell me what happened. I was furious with you for wasting my operation money on your precious car, so I went to the C. I. A. to check if they really do shred bodies. You didn't believe me? [Sarcastically] No. I hope I haven't jeopardized our friendship. Anyway, the scientist there said he can put me in anything with a battery. So he put you in my truck?! [Car horn honking] That's how we say "yes" in truck language. Look, I'm glad you're okay, but we're going back to the C. I. A. to put you in something that's around me less, maybe something in the basement. Personality-wise, you've always seemed like a water heater to me. [Engine sputters] Oh, yeah, I ran out of gas. Damn it, Klaus! Navi-Joe would never let that happen. Well, would Navi-Joe suggest some big band jazz while we wait for AAA? He's the one who got me into big band jazz! [Jazz music plays] Ugh, that's hot jazz, not big band! This is pretty high up. What if the egg shatters their windshield? I thought you might say that. Pre-cracked shells. God, you know me. - All I'm saying - Stacey, enough. [Sighs] We're sticking to the plan. I'm gonna drop you and your kids off at the zoo, then I'm gonna go check out that belt sander I saw on Craigslist. And when I pick you up later, we're gonna got to Mama Mangia's for dinner. And we're gonna have a nice night. It's been a long time, okay? Okay, Frank. God, I think the last time we had a nice night was Was when, Stacey? The night before I flunked the police academy entrance exam? I explained to you that test was bull, all trick questions. But let's go over the facts. My name is Frank Trueblue. I get my hair cut at barber shops. Look at me, Stacey. Do I not have all the signifiers of an off-duty cop? No one's saying you're not like a cop, Frank. Everybody thinks that. You kids think of me as essentially a cop, right? [Sighs] Okay, I think we can still salvage What the hell?! [Tires screeching] He stopped. Don't worry. W-We're safe up here. [Tires screeching] Maybe he just wants to talk. We were just doing a little prank-a-roo. [Tires screech] Oh, my God! I'm okay! A hawk got me. To Mount Darkmore! With the power of the Dunsmere Crystal, I can finally defeat Lord Azamaar! [Weakly] Now is your time to feel fear, Azamaar. [Tires squeal in distance] [All screaming] Maybe the C. I. A. could put me into, like, a super-strong cyborg with both male and female genitalia. Oh, or that crank flashlight-radio in the disaster kit under the garage sink! You'd go great in that. [Brakes squeak] [Swipe!] That man just stole that lady's Zagnut Bar! Is anyone gonna stop him? Anyone? Sir, you're the only one here. Uh, you're here, too, ma'am. I don't see you playing hero. Klaus, give me back the control. What are you doing?! Whoa, nice. Now that's what I call sweet justice. Thank you, sir. That's how you hold on to a candy bar. Klaus, you were incredible back there! Navi-Joe was wrong to stop me from hitting people. I see that now. So can I keep being your car? Only if you're willing to be a vigilante and fight local crime with me. I'm in. Let's keep the streets of Langley safe. Uh, I think we already cleaned up this town. I'm talking about the wrong side of the tracks. The embattled, war-torn streets of East Chimdale. Whoa, take it easy. I was talking about Lanceton. I'll got to East Chimdale when I want a bunch of rats to chew my dick off in an abandoned baseball card store. We're here, Stan. Wow, this place looks rough. Stan? Are you asleep? Stay alert, Klaus. We're here. Stop that thief! Looks like it's "go" time. Stan, take the wheel so I can bash him repeatedly with my tailgate! Cool, but just be careful. I got a bunch of loose golf balls back there, and I don't want to lose them. Damn it, Klaus! At least close the door before I lose my loose coat hangers. I know how many are back there. [Horn honks in distance] Hey, you got to pay for those! We got this, Manny. Aah! It was just a little prank! Who the hell was that?! How should I know? You think I know everyone in town? Hey, do you know Mark from Germany? Just drive. Stan, you ever wonder why everyone's stealing Zagnuts? What I've been wondering is when did you get so cool? I'm having a hell of a time with you! I feel the same way, Stan. Oh, we're here. I think we killed this guy. [Weakly] I'm still alive. Should we finish him off? Now, now, Klaus, it's not our place to play God. I think I-I-I think we lost him. [Engine revs] Just do it! [Screaming] Just finish us. Aaah! I mean, there was a time when a man could take out his lady and her kids and simply have a nice night. Has the whole world gone crazy?! They're children, Frank! And do you know what children turn into, Stacey? Adults. Well, not this time! Frank, look at me. Please, Frank. Do you remember Montauk? Do you remember the ferry?! It looked full and we didn't think we could fit, but then what happened? Look at me, Frank! All those people moved their cars up just a few inches, just a few inches to let us on. They helped us. Yes. Adults helped us. Do you remember that, Frank? Those were good adults. [Voice breaking] Stacey. [Voice breaking] Yes, Frank? Do you think there's any chance for us to still have a nice night? [Both sobbing] [Sighs] Who was that?! [Insects chirping] You're right, Klaus. They are dazzling. Yeah, when I saw these stars a while ago, I was like, "Stan will go nuts for these. " You know, before today, I only had like one Zagnut my entire life. Maybe none. Really? You never told me that. I've never told anybody that. Now you know more about me than anyone in the world. [Gasps] Would you say that you trust me completely? That I have your heart in my hands? That's exactly what I'd say, amigo. Then I will take your heart and bash it with my tailgate! Klaus, what the hell?! You were going to let me die, Stan! You can't leave me out here in the middle of nowhere. This is cougar country! Don't worry, there's a 1% chance you survive. And those are great odds for a Powerball man! Have you been writing down everything I say?! Celebrate your revenge, Klaus. Celebrate with every ounce of your being! [Howling] [Laughs] Ooh, look who heard my wolf howl. Hey, baby, today's your lucky Aw, man, hidden dudes? At least tell me you're all going to the same place. Yeah. We're all going to the same place. [Gun cocks] [Gasps] We're bringing in the truck. Take us to Zagnut Gulch. Looks like Klaus is headed to Zagnut Gulch. [Breathes deeply] Hey, gang, got a question for you. Isn't this nice? What a nice night we're having. It's okay, champ. Sorry, could I bother you for another fork? We we got a little case of the butterfingers here. It's not a big deal. Of course not, why would it be? Get the fork. [Sighs] Okay, let's dig in! - What's wrong? - Nothing. I thought we were back on track. What's the problem? - It's nothing. It's just - Just what? I asked for red sauce, and they gave me white sauce. I got this. It's fine. I'll just eat it. I can do this. Montauk. Hey, really quick, guys My lady ordered red sauce, and you gave her white sauce. Sorry, buddy, we're out of red sauce. Check again. [Gun cocks] No, no, no! [Gunshot, people gasp] [Dramatic music plays] What doesn't kill you makes you stronger Stand a little taller Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone What doesn't kill you makes a fighter [Laughter] Name's Enoch. I'm the leader of the Appalachian Trail Chop Shop Candy Gang A. K. A., The Zagnut Boys. Hey, Knock, I'm Klaus. I'm a car. You're a problem is what you are A big one. 'Cause we steal cars and Zagnut bars. And you been shutting down half our operation! Got his LoJack. Great job, Cindy. You just earned yourself a Zagnut bar. Thanks, but I'm not really in the mood. I've already had like two today. Oh, oh, no problem. You're just out of the gang. Oh, come on, Knock [Bleep] you, Cindy. Dear God, they're stripping the car! Ooh, that's nice. But am I young and cool enough or old and uncool enough to wear a leather jacket? No, no, no, no! Please! Ow! That's my seat! No, not the doors! I beg you, stop! How about letting one of the boys from the front office do some chopping? Excuse me. Pardon me. Sick boots. What do you got there, the gas cap? Cool score, dude. Hope you bad boys left me the steering wheel. I'm looking forward to chopping that. [Jack hisses] Chop, chop, chop. [Tires screech] Klaus, you dumb ass! Klaus? Goddamn it, fish! You've been a great car. Navi-Joe loved you. And I guess, in a way, so did I. But now I've got to save my friend. [Gunshots] Klaus! Hope you're still in there, buddy. [Gunfire] Style points. My friend's in here. I need you to get it working again. I don't care what experimental, morally questionable technology you use, just do it. I could try a car battery. Don't talk to me about your dark arts! Just bring him back! [Device beeps, warbling] Klaus? Announcer #1: Traffic on the fives. MAN: El perro, el perro es mi corazon, el Announcer #2: Here's the pitch. Low and inside. Cher: Do you believe in life after love? He's gone. Cher and Klaus: I can feel something inside me say Klaus, I I thought I lost you. Klaus: Stan? Why are you in heaven with me and Cher? Wait, this isn't Where are we? Where's your car? I crashed it into the cave. - Why? - To save you, Klaus! I knew that, Stan. I just wanted to hear you say it. Now can you get me out of this thing? I think I've learned everything I can as a car. Well, I did just get a new shipment of lab animals in. Take your pick. They're arranged from left to right, from fastest to fiercest. How about the fish over there? That's my fish. No, that's my friend. You know, the snake looks like he could be a cool customer. You're going in the fish. Steve, wake up. Aaaaaaah! Oh, settle down. I just shot a skull cap full of hamburger meat and calamari. The important thing is Frank's dead and Stacey and the kids are starting a brand-new chapter. Who's Frank? He was essentially a cop. I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about. God. You know, I put a lot of effort into showing you what a real prank looks like, Steve. Wait, w-w-w-was that you trying to kill us?! Yeah, it was funny! Hey, if you're going to the hospital to visit Barry, tell him I said, "Gotcha. "