Mitefall!

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING] [CHUCKLING] I declare, Mary, with that War Between the States nonsense behind us it feels good to laugh again. John Wilkes Booth. Halt, you insidious secessionist. Ooh! [BOTH GRUNTING] You're safe now, Mr. President. Why, who are you? Just a long-time admirer. The glorious South will never be defeated! A-ha! Say hello to John Wilkes Boom! Time to bring down the curtain on a Yankee rodent! Huh? My rail-splitting days are long gone, but I still know how to swing an ax. Sic semper tyrann There. The engine of his infernal steam-powered suit. Aim for that valve. Sic semper tyrannis! The South shall rise again. The Confederacy forev That was quite a timely rescue, sir. Thanks to you, reconstruction of our great Union can now continue unabated. It was my honor to fight by your side, President Lincoln MARY: Oh! of Parallel Universe 5501. At last. With the contents of this Ocean Lab I will have all the components needed to restore ape-kind to its rightful place at the top of the food chain! [GRUNTS] Cease your simian siege now, Gorilla Grodd. Fools. No creature on land or sea can match my superior intellect. Then it's a good thing it's not wits we've come to battle. BAT-MITE: Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Because I'm seeing gorillas riding sharks stealing an Ocean Lab. How wacky and original. Is what I'd be saying if they hadn't been doing this exact same thing You can read about this adventure in my next memoir: Aquaman Versus the Primate Pugilist. And cue the catchphrase. "Outrageous. " B. T. B. A. T. B., what was once so fresh has become formula. It feels like only yesterday we learned the next Batman cartoon would be a lighter incarnation. Fanboys everywhere panicked. But it was for nothing, because what we got was a love letter to Silver Age comics. The show had it all. A perfectly cast Diedrich Bader as Batman. Aquaman was cool again. Guest stars like Tim Conway, NPH, Adam West and the one and only Paul Reubens. [CHORTLES] And then came its greatest episode "Chill of the Night!" It was dark and brooding but it reminded us of how much we missed the serious Batman. We longed for more episodes like that. Instead we got more like this: You were great in your day, campy crusader, but now you've What's that expression again? That's it. You've jumped the shark. That moment when a once-great show starts going downhill. Give him a taste of your Bat Shark Repellent, old chum. I want a new, more dramatic Batman show. Of course, that's not going to happen until this one's canceled. Canceled. That's it. I'll use my fifth dimensional powers to make the show so bad it won't just jump the shark, it'll do a quadruple spinning backflip over it. The network will have to take it off the air. Now let's see, to do that I'll need to add a love interest give Batman an adorable kid, replace a favorite character with a different actor. And of course, hire Ted McGinley. Heh, heh, heh. This is going to be fun. You haven't seen the last of Grodd, Batman! Oh, I have a feeling we have. Diabolical. With the contents of that Ocean Lab Grodd can create a device that turns humans into bananas. - Grodd has to be stopped - Time to make Batman bad. - Question is - Hee, hee! Daddy. Daddy. Look at me. Whee! Please, Kiki, Daddy is trying to work. Kiki, were you riding your tricycle through the cave again when Mommy told you not to? It was an accident. [STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING] And I thought Joker was a handful. Poor Batman. [CHUCKLES] He doesn't even notice I'm making his world wacky. Looks like Grodd is making trouble. Right here in Gotham City. Gotta go, sweetheart. It's crime time, and I can't be late. Oh! Mm! Ha, ha, ha! And a thousand fanboys just threw their TVs out the window. But what next? Hmm. I know. Fans hate it when Batman uses gadgets the toy company forced into the show. To the Bat-Luge. Neon talking super street Bat-Luge: Activate. [IN ELECTRONIC VOICE]: Ready when you are, Caped Crusader. Get low and let's go. [ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING ON TV] Who doesn't love toy company meddling? The Brave and the Bold is starting to stink worse than Gorilla Grodd's armpits. Batman will be off the air in no time. Cancel Brave and the Bold? [SCOFFS] What's he think he's doing? Bat-Mite may be an all powerful being from the fifth dimension. But he's not a god. Or, more importantly, a network programmer. Someone's gotta stop him. This sounds like ajob for Ambush Bug. But first, a word from our sponsors. I sure hope everyone is hating my changes as much as I'm loving them. BAT-LUGE: Destination ahead, Batman. Thanks neon talking super street Bat-Luge. Engage ejection mode. Happy landings, Batman. Ah, there you are, old chum. For the next shark jump I think I'll recast the show's breakout character. Sorry Aquaman's John DiMaggio, but you're being replaced. ANNOUNCER: The role of Aquaman will now be voiced by Ted McGinley. That evil anthropoid is rampaging through Gotham. Aquaman, are you okay? You seem a little off. I wouldn't know what you're talking about, old chum. [CHUCKLES] Now the moment of truth: Let's see if the show's prime demographic is ready to change the channel yet. Boy, this show really took a nosedive this season. Wanna see what else is on? No, let's keep watching, Dad. Batman won't let us down. He never has before. Prepare, Gotham, to suffer the effects of my Banana Beam! Ape-kind will never go hungry again! Huh? Destroy them! Careful not to slip on the citizens, Aquaman. This calls for action. To the extreme. Neon talking super street Bat-Luge, activate. BAT-LUGE: Let's get low and let's go. It's official: Worst Batman show ever. Ha, ha! You have to stop this, Bat-Mite. Ambush Bug? You're a pretty obscure hero even for this show. You do not understand the forces you're playing with, babe. Wrong. I understand perfectly. As viewers at home turn off Batman's show his universe will collapse bit by bit until it's completely gone. [GASPS] And a new, better show can take its place. I'm not gonna let you do this to Batman. He exists for more than just your personal enjoyment. Obstacle ahead: Engaging eject mode. Careful, citizen. You could have been hurt by neon talking super street Bat-Luge. Batman, your universe is being changed piece by piece and soon it will be erased from existence. You've got to fight it. Who in Hades are you? And what are you babbling on about? You're Ted McGinley. Big fan. I'm a big fan. Let me press your pants. Ted Mc-who-y? No, you've gotta listen to me. One fictional hero to another. That's crazy talk. We're not fictional. Yes, you are. Me too, but the difference is I know I'm not real. [YELLS] Grodd's army is tearing the city apart. Trust me on this one. Bat-Mite got bored with your TV show and is trying to get it canceled. He wants to turn you away from everything that makes you Batman. [DEVICES WHOOSHING] You hear that? That's the sound of millions of TV remotes changing the channel. Look. With each channel change, more of this reality is disappearing. That means we have to turn this reality back into the one you knew. Yes. The classic Brave and the Bold with its winning combination of thrilling adventure and tongue-in-cheek fun. And we have to do it quick, before the last viewer switches channels. Hey, I'm talking to you. No. Don't do it. This is unwatchable. What do you say we check out the game instead? Yeah, I guess so. I used to love this show, but now Think fast, Bug. Got it. Kids and their dads love senseless violence. You'll never bring me down, Caped Crusader. [LAUGHING MANIACALLY] [WHISPERS] Hit me. - What? - Just do it. [AMBUSH BUG GRUNTS] Oof! Oh. Ha, ha, ha! He got hit in the face. Again. Right in the kisser. Uh! Uh-huh [GRUNTING] [GRUNTING] Look. We just bought some time. I'm sorry, Ambush Bug, but we need to stop Grodd and his banana-fueled bedlam. Oh BAT-MITE How sad. Your debut episode, Bug, and the show is getting exterminated. We'll see about that. Hey there, fellow hero. Mind if I borrow you, neon talking super street Bat-Luge? Actually, I'd rather not Get low and let's go You know this means war. Let's see how you like the Dark Knight in another one of those hideous, variant Batman costumes you only find on store shelves. AMBUSH BUG: Alpine Ice Climber Batman? How could you? And that's just the beginning. Anyone remember Cousin Oliver? He may be ridiculous. But you of all people should know that Ace the Bathound is an accepted part of the Batman Universe. I wasn't referring to Ace, I was referring to his new nephew, Punchichi. Let me at them, let me at them, Uncle Ace. I can take Gorilla Grodd any day. You fiend. And now, time for the ultimate shark jump. Moving. Say goodbye to Gotham City because the Dark Knight is relocating to sunny Malibu, California. [BOTH GRUNTING] Power to the puppies. And just to seal the deal I'll give Batman the one thing he would never have. I'd say my work here is done. See ya! Batman, you have to listen to me, this isn't you. Bat-Mite is pushing you away from who you really are. Go away. I give up. How am I gonna convince you of what's real or not when you don't even know you'd never use a gun? You're right. But if none of this is real, what's the point? Here's the thing, Batman. There's a lot of people out there, people who believe in you. Real or not, what you do in here matters. This isn't my home. [THUNDER CRASHES] Does this mean we'll be able to save the show? The important thing, Aquaman, is that we save the day. That's ourjob. But if this is going to be the end let's give everyone one last thing to remember. That petulant primate's poisonous ploy must be prevented. [ALL SIGHING] Everything's back to normal. I still can't believe it. I'm talking to the real Ted McGinley. I'm sorry, but who"s this McGinley chap you clearly have me confused with? Only one of the finest comedic actors of our generation. Wow. Thanks. Sometimes I think people only associate me with the whole "Jump the Shark" thing. You know, Married With Children was on the air seven years after I came on. Just so you know. A-ha! Tricked you into breaking character. What? Outra You know what? I don't really get this show anyway. I'm out of here. - Outrageous! - Now everything's back to normal. Let's just hope it wasn't too late. MAN: Eh, it got a little better toward the end. But let's not kid ourselves, Tucker. It's seen better days. It's time you and Jelenic gave this take on Batman a rest. Think about a new one. Something more dramatic like that episode, "Chilly, Chilly Night. " Yes. I did it. A darker Batman series is on the way. Now I need to make room for all the great new Batman swag I'll be collecting. The Gibbles from the very first episode. They were so cute. See ya. Ah, the Music Meister. I still can't get those songs out of my head. Maybe this'll help. You know, for a lighter Batman there were actually a few pretty good episodes. Huh! I might actually end up missing this show. ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Coming this fall to Cartoon Network The promo for the new Batman show is already here. It's a Caped Crusader like you've never seen before. Awesome-sauce. They went CGI. Oh! And here comes Batman. And this time, he's a girl. Yes, it's the all-new Batgirl show. Batgirl? It's her show? But I want the moody Ioner Batman. And this time she's brought a friend. Well, it's not a total fail. At least I'll finally get the realistic, super-dramatic storytelling I've been wanting. Uh, not so fast, babe. You forgot you're a fictional character too. Yeah, and? [GASPS] Wait. You mean? Afraid so. You see, there's no room for a silly character like Bat-Mite in a dark show like this. You didn't just end The Brave and the Bold. You ended yourself too. Adios, partner. No. It can't end this way. It can't. Huh. I guess it can. That's all, folks. [CHATTERING] I wasn't expecting this many. I put the word out. Cocktail weenie? [SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING] Ow! So this is really it. Yeah, looks like. At least you can say you had a good run. A great run. And until we meet again, boys and girls know that wherever evil lurks, in all its myriad forms I'll be there with the hammers ofjustice to fight for decency and defend the innocent. Good night.