How Spider-Man: Homecoming Should Have Ended


 * Damage Control #1: Looks like we're done. You sure we got all the alien tech?
 * Damage Control #2: Yeah. That's probably the last of it.
 * Damage Control #3: Here's a bright idea. Why don't you make sure it's the last of it before you accidentally lose a truckload of alien technology to a potential super villain just because you were too lazy to safety run this department of damage control extraterrestrial salvage operation. (Gasps)
 * Damage Control #1: Ugh! Fine! Oh look! There is a truck unaccounted for!
 * Adrian: You don't understand! I have a daughter! That makes it okay for me to break the law! I'm not a bad person!


 * Ned: Can I be your guy in the chair?
 * Peter: No!
 * Ned: Come on let me be your guy in the chair.
 * Thanos: I'm the guy in the chair!
 * (They see Thanos)
 * Ned: Holy Crap!
 * Peter: What is that!?
 * Girl: (Screams)
 * Ned: It's a giant purple monster man!
 * Thanos: There can only be one!
 * Spider-Man: Hey Big Bird! That doesn't belong to you! What? Suit Lady, what was that?!
 * KAREN: You said to select the idea web-shooter configuration for this scenario. So I activated instakill.
 * Spider-Man: Why is that even a feature!? I'm fifteen! Oh, no, no, no! Karen what's going on up there?
 * KAREN: The Chitauri core has detonated and it's caused structural damage to the elevator.
 * Liz: My friends aren't there!
 * Spider-Man: Don't worry, Ma-am! I got this. I'm just gonna climb up the side and hope there's a way in at the top.
 * Liz: Or you could just go in the entrance then catch them from the bottom.
 * Spider-Man: Oh, yeah. Sure that'd be way easier you're really smart.
 * Liz: You sound just like Peter Parker who went missing earlier.
 * Spider-Man: What! Who's Peter? I don't know who that is! Thanks for the advice. I'll see you later.
 * Security Guard: Hey!
 * All: AAAAAAAGH!
 * Teacher: Oh. Never mind. We're fine.
 * Spider-Man: How we doing, Karen?
 * KAREN: Great job, Peter, you are 98% successful.
 * Spider-Man: Oh, okay.
 * KAREN: You are now 100% successful.
 * Spider-Man: Woo-hoo!
 * Iron Man: Wow! Great job, kid!
 * Man: Spider-Man! Yeah!
 * Adrian: Don't mess with me kid. I'll kill you and everybody you love.
 * Peter: I love Liz. Does that mean that you're gonna kill your daughter?
 * Adrian: You win this round, Spider-Man. I'll kill you and everybody you...
 * Peter: Grab your arm!
 * Adrian: What the! Hey!
 * Peter: Hey do you have super strength? Because I do!
 * Adrian: Let go of me!
 * Peter: And it appears that you don't. I mean that's too bad. That must be really embarrassing for you.
 * Adrian: I said let g...
 * Peter: Throat Punch! Help! This man has a gun and threatening my life!
 * Adrian: Don't mess with me kid.
 * Peter: Why?
 * Batman: Because I'm Batman!
 * Peter: Whaaaaaaat?!
 * Happy: Okay, we got all this super valuable Avengers gear packed up and ready to fly! Now let's just hit the auto pilot mode and trust that it's gonna make it to the new base without any problems.
 * Scientist: Here's a bright idea... Why don't you make sure someone keeps an eye on all that gear... instead of assuming nobody would want to high-jack and steal everything on this ridiculously expensive cargo plane.
 * Happy: Ugh! Okay! Fine!
 * Vulture: Oh! Well hiya fellas! Blaaaraaaghaarraahahaa!
 * Tony: I was wrong about you. I think with a little mentoring... You'll be a real asset to the team.
 * Peter: To the... to the team?
 * Tony: Yeah to the team. So when you're ready, why don't you try that on? [reveals the Iron Spider armor] [Peter looks at the suit in surprise and he smile the suit] And I'd introduce the world to the newest official member of the Avengers... Spider...
 * Peter: Heck Yeah Man!!!!! This is what I've always wanted! I'm freakin Spider-Man! Let's go! So now I'm an Avenger! Can you believe it? It's so awesome! Isn't it awesome?
 * Superman: Tony, this kid hasn't even graduated.
 * Batman: Is he dropping out of school to fight crime?
 * Superman: I mean he can't just live with the Avengers... Can he?
 * Tony: Sure he can! I gave him a suit and said he's part of the team. So he's part of the team.
 * Peter: Yeah I am!
 * Superman: You have a teenager a weaponized super suit. Am I only one that thinks this is weird?
 * Batman: You didn't even like talk to Aunt May about it.
 * Superman: Peter is a minor. This feels like kidnapping. I'm gonna have to take you in, Tony.
 * Tony: Iron Man vs. Superman. Now that's a billion dollar idea.


 * Tony: Guys, listen. He deserves this. He's coming home. This is his home. And I'm a great father figure for him.
 * Superman: You are luring a minor to the Avengers... and making a replacement Iron Man.
 * Batman: Yeah, he's got the iron suit and everything.
 * Tony: No one is replacing anyone.
 * James: Oh really!? Then how come you put a parachute in the new kids suit... but not my suit that's actually meant to fly huh? What's up with that?!
 * Tony: That was a design flaw. It didn't occur to me until Spider-Man.
 * James: Do you have a parachute in your suit?
 * Tony: Uh...
 * James: You're replacing me aren't you? Again!
 * Peter: Oh! Mr. Stark, I don't want to replace anyone, you know? That would just suck.


 * Peter: Guys I'm really sorry. I guess I just feel so lucky you know? There's been all these reboots and do-overs, but I made it. I'm finally home now! And now I know they'll never replace me!
 * Miles: Yeah don't be too sure about that!


 * Batman: What are you doing here? You're not a super hero.
 * Liz: I like to sketch people in crisis. (Shows Batman a drawing of Martha) Heh... it's you.
 * Batman: What the...