Baby Cupid

[Scene: The Russo living room. Alex and Max are playing a magical ninja video game. Justin is reading the newspaper.]

Max: This is the best video game ever!

???????

(Jerry enters the room)

Jerry: Heeey. How many times have I told you guys to keep your video games video?

Justin: I told them and I told them, dad.

Alex: Sword!

(Alex’s ninja cuts Justin’s newspaper in two.)

Justin: Whoa! That is not what they mean by slicing prices!

Jerry: Cool. Swords. Let me try!

(Jerry takes Max’s controller.)

Alex: Wow, you look nice dad! I didn’t even know you had a suit.

Jerry: I don’t. Kick! Kick! Nose pull!

Justin: Well, the suit does fit you a little bit tight… Hey, that’s my suit!

Jerry: That reminds me; Justin, I need to borrow your suit. I’m taking your mother out to dinner for our anniversary.

Alex: Oh, did you get her a card? Because while mom’s reading the card, you can slip the waiter your coupon.

(Max and Jerry’s ninja crushes the lamp as Theresa enters the room.)

Theresa: My lamp! What is going on in here?

Jerry: Yeah! What is going on in here?

Theresa: I thought we had a rule about wizardry. The random magic in this house is getting on my nerves. How many times does this lamp have to break for you guys to get the message?

Alex: Well. If the message is ”ugly lamps are easy to break”, I think we got it.

Jerry: Your mother is right. We have to more considerate of someone who doesn’t understand the temptations of magic.

Theresa: Doesn’t understand? Wait, are you trying to make this my problem?

Alex, Justin, Max: Ooooh!

Jerry: No, I was just saying that… There… What was I saying?

Alex: Uh, what daddy’s saying is that we should accept each other for who we are. Kind of like dad did when he married you.

Jerry: Yeah, right, I was a wizard at the time and it was a big decision for me.

Theresa: (sarcastic) Oh, I’m sorry, Jerry, I had no idea it was such a big decision for you to marry me.

Alex, Justin, Max: Ooooh!

Jerry: Uh, no, it wasn’t a big decision. It was more of an impulse. No! Impulse is not helping!

Theresa: Let me know how your anniversary dinner turns out.

Alex, Justin, Max: Ooooh!

Opening credits

[Scene: The lair. Justin, Alex and Max are doing different things as Jerry enters the room.]

Jerry: Listen up. Because of your magic run amock, I have to out and get ’I’m sorry’ gifts for your mother.

Max: Pfft. Dad, come on! Mom’s really easy. Why don’t you just rub her feet? That’s what I do.

Alex: Oah, that’s just weird.

Max: Really? ’Cause, uh, I don’t have a bed time.

Jerry: I’m not gonna rub her feet. That crooked toe just freaks me out. Your mom will be fine once I buy her some of her favorite things.

Alex: Ooh! I know what you should get her.

Jerry: You do?

Alex: Mhm, peach lip gloss and skull-on-bones press-on nails.

Jerry: That’s what you want. You’re no help.

(Jerry walks out of the room.)

Alex: Well, dad can relax, because I went on the World Wide Wizard Web this morning and ordered Cupid to come shoot mom with a love arrow.

Justin: You ordered Cupid?! (sarcastic) Oh, that makes perfect sense. Mom’s mad that we’re using magic in the house, so naturally you bring more magic into the house! No, brilliant!

Alex: Okay, okay! Everybody stop yelling! I’ll just cancel the Cupid order.

Justin: When people are right it doesn’t mean that they are yelling. You can’t cancel Cupid once he’s been ordered. You’d know that if you took it upon yourself to read ahead like a good student does.

Alex: Oh, did you read about the recipe for wizard punch?

Justin: No.

Alex: Good, I just made it!

(Alex punches Justin.)

Justin: Ow!

Max: Oh, wizard punch – I bet that’s delicious!

(Alex rolls her eyes.)

Justin: (to Alex) Well, you’ve got problem. When Cupid gets here, he isn’t gonna leave until he fulfills his order.

Cupid: Yep, your brother’s right.

(Cupid has appeared and is sitting in the chair.)

Cupid: So, who’s the lucky guy or gal? Or thing. I don’t judge.

Max: Oh, look! It’s a baby with wings! And a carrying handle!

Cupid: Back off! It’s a sash, genius! Oh, this kid is gonna need me when he grows up. I can just tell.

Alex: Uh, look. Mr. Cupid, I ordered you by mistake. And, um, we really don’t need your services, so if you could just go back…

Cupid: Save it, sweetheart. I can’t go anywhere until your mom gets an arrow in the keister.

Alex: Okay, fine. Just shoot mom in the keister and get out of here.

Max: (holding Cupid’s arrow) Hey, look, it’s bendy! (the arrow snaps) No, it’s not.

Cupid: (his wings disappear) You broke my arrow!

Alex: You have more arrows, right?

Cupid: I’m a baby! I’m barely allowed to have this one!

Break

[Scene: The sub station kitchen. Alex is putting a giant padlock on the door to the lair while Max and Justin are on the lookout.]

Cupid: (from inside the lair) Hey! Don’t leave me in here! I’m afraid to be alone!

Alex: We’ve got to keep Cupid hidden from until we’ve fixed the arrow.

Justin: We? I don’t think so.

Alex: Hey! If she sees him, she’ll blame me. Then I’ll figure out a way to blame you. We’re all in this together.

(Jerry and Theresa enters the sub station.)

Jerry: Come on, I’m always saying dumb stuff. Our marriage is based on us ignoring each other’s flaws. I ignore all of yours.

Everyone in the sub station: Ooooh!

(Theresa comes into the kitchen.)

Theresa: What are you guys up to?

Alex: Uh, not magic, that’s for sure.

Justin: Yeah, mom, ’cause you know me. I always tell you when these guys are messing around with magic. Always…

Max: (to Alex) Well, is he gonna tell her?

Alex: Shhh!

Theresa: Tell me what?

(Cupid’s crying can be heard from the lair.)

Alex: Uh, about Max’s terrible stomach ache. His really, really bad stomach ache.

(Max fakes crying.)

Justin: Yeah, in fact, there’s a new virus going around. The influcupidosa.

Alex: Subtle.

Justin: I panicked!

Theresa: Oh, mijito! Come on, let’s go upstairs. I’ll make you some of grandma’s tree bark and fish oil tea.

Max: (sobbing) You…

(Theresa and Max leave.)

Justin: What are we gonna do now? We still have Cupid.

Alex: You said ’we’! You’re officially in. Awesome!

Justin: Every time!

Break

[Scene: The sub station. Alex walks in carrying Cupid.]

Alex: Okay, mom is still upstairs. Okay, come on.

(Theresa comes down the stairs as Alex puts cupid into a bowl of dirty dishes.)

Theresa: I’ve made extra tree bark and fish oil tea. Who wants some? (silence) Maybe later.

Alex: Oh, goodness.

(She notices a couple of customers staring at Cupid in the bowl.)

Alex: (baby voice) Uh, what are you doing playing the dirty dishes. Baaad baby.

(Alex picks up Cupid and places him in a chair next to the staring customers.)

Alex: Uh, do you mind watching my little brother for just, like, one second.

Theresa: Oh, cute baby!

Alex: Uh, pfft, sure, the baby’s cute, but I mean, look at me, mom, I’m like way cuter.

(Harper enters the sub station.)

Harper: Hi, Alex! Look what I knitted for Justin.

(Harper shows Alex a brown, furry sweater.)

Alex: Oh! That’s interesting. And it smells like shampoo.

Harper: It’s a sweater entirely made of my hair.

Alex: Oh! (hands the sweater back to Harper)

Harper: Feel how soft it is!

Alex: Uh, no, I take your word for it! Um, he’s upstairs with Max trying to fix Cupid’s arrow.

Harper: Okay, thanks! Notice how I didn’t relax when you said Cupid? It’s my way of acting cool with having a wizard as a best friend. Even though I’m freaking out inside.

Alex: Kind of like how I didn’t freak out when you said ’hair sweater’.

(Harper goes upstairs. Alex goes back to the customers and Cupid.)

Alex: Thank you for watching him.

[Cut scene.]

[Scene: The Russo dining table. Justin and Max are fixing the arrow.]

Justin: There. Good as new. Now Cupid can shoot mom so she’ll love dad and then go home.

Max: You know what? We are really good at this. We should open up Cupid’s Arrow Repair Shop!

Justin: There’s only one Cupid. He has only one arrow.

Max: Uh, yeah. Good point. We should also sell burgers! Babies love burgers.

(Harper comes up the stairs.)

Harper: Hi, guys! Justin, what do you think of this? (hands him the sweater)

Justin: Um, it’s kind of nice. Ooh. It’s really soft, too.

Harper: Great! Because I knitted for you from my own hair. It’s one hundred per cent me!

Justin: (looking horrified) Oh…

Harper: I know. You don’t have to say anything.

Justin: (nervous laugh) Look, Harper… I know that you’ve had a crush… obsession… on me for a long time. But I think it’s about time that I was completely honest with you. Harper, I am never, ever, ever going to…

(Max accidentally shoots Justin with the love arrow.)

Justin: … love you more than I do right now!

(Harper and Justin hug each other.)

Max: Uh-oh…

Harper: Oh, Justin! This is the best day of my life! I should’ve made you a hair sweater years ago.

Justin: I would have been happier and warmer if you had.

(Alex comes up carrying Cupid.)

Alex: Max, what did you do?

Max: Maybe dad’s right. I shouldn’t have a ??? gun.

(Justin goes down on one knee in front of Harper.)

Justin: How do I love thee. Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth… Oh! This will be more romantic with the sweater on!

Alex: Uh, Harper? Look, I hate to burst your bubble here, but Justin’s only acting like that because Max just shot him with Cupid’s love arrow.

Harper: Gosh… I guess you’re right. It’s not real love if it comes from his butt and not his heart…

Justin: Mi amore, let’s go for a carriage ride around Central Park.

Harper: (to Alex) But I don’t care!

(Harper and Justin runs to the door just as Jerry opens it, carrying flowers.)

Jerry: Oh, where’s your mother?

Justin: Ah, father. (takes the flowers) Thank you.

(Justin gives the flowers to Harper.)

Justin: For my lady love. Oh, yes!

(Harper and Justin leave.)

Jerry: Why is he acting like he’s in love with Harper? And what’re you doing with an arrow? And why are you holding a baby? Love… Arrow… Baby… (gasps) That’s Cupid!

[Fade out.]

[Fade in.]

Jerry: So you wanted to use magic to solve a problem that started because you used magic?

Alex: Yeah, that’s kinda what I do, huh?

(Theresa comes down the stairs.)

Theresa: What’s that?

Alex: Um… A baby. (to Cupid) Hold still or the baby gets it.

Cupid: Who’s the baby? Oh, I’m the baby!

Theresa: Okay, Alex. Why do you have baby?

Alex: Um… It’s a baby doll from my marriage and family class. Yes!

(Cupid burps.)

Alex: Excuse me…

Theresa: You know what, Alex? I think it’s good you’re taking a marriage and family class. You know, you’re never too young to learn how to get along with someone very difficult to get along with.

Alex: Uh, you are so right, mom. I’m gonna take this doll up to my room and think of ways for dad to appreciate you more.

Theresa: Wait a minute. Isn’t your Open House at school this Friday? I wanna meet you marriage and family teacher.

Jerry, Alex: Why?

Theresa: I have some personal stories to share about what marriage and family life are really like once you get past the pretty pictures in all the bridal magazines.

Max: (holding the arrow) I fixed it!

Theresa: Uh, Maxie! I told you, don’t play with arrows. They’re dangerous, honey. (she snaps the arrow and throws it in the bin) Someone could get stuck with this, and then where would we be? (she leaves the room)

Alex: Closer to the end of our problem.

Jerry: Phew, that was close. Uhm, you don’t really have marriage and family class, do you?

Alex: I love how you know me.

Break

[Scene: The school hallway.]

Harper: I want to get a glass of water, Justie.

Justin: I only thirst for you, Harpie.

Harper: Does that mean you don’t want any water?

Justin: No! I want water, too. We should share everything.

(They each take a sip of water from the water fountain.)

Justin: Ah, the waters of love.

(Zeke appears.)

Zeke: Hey, Justin. Missed you at Alien Language League. (speaks alien language) You know what I’m sayin’, haha! (raises his hand for a high five)

Justin: I’m sorry, Zeke, I’m done with your childish things. I’ve found love.

Zeke: (laughs) With who?

Harper: With me, hello? Arm. He’s wearing my hair.

Zeke: Yeah, dude, what is up with that sweater. You look like the floor of a barber shop.

(Harper and Justin gasp.)

Justin: Zeke, you have insulted my woman’s honor. We will settle this like gentlemen. Water balloon fight at thirty paces.

Zeke: I can’t throw thirty paces.

Justin: Well, that’s ’cause you throw like a bling-dada-dada.

Zeke: I do not throw like a bling-dada-dada!

(Justin and Zeke walk out.)

Harper: Hey, everybody! There’s gonna be a fight outside! Over me! (she runs out after the boys)

[Cut scene.]

[Scene: Classroom. Mr. Laritate is standing at the front, talking to the class.]

Mr. Laritate: Okay, my little marriage and family folk. I hope you can rope your noggins around today’s lesson; Smart shopping with coupons! There’s no better way to get more bang for your buck than with a…

(Cupid’s crying is heard.)

Cupid: (from the baby buggy) Waaaah, I’m bored.

Alex: Shhh!

Mr. Laritate: Who’s that back in the south forty? Alex Russo, you’re not in this class.

Alex: No, Mr. Laritate, I am not. But, it’s always been my dream to be in this class, and I think a dedicated teacher like you would wanna help me realize my dreams.

Mr. Laritate: (sniffing into the air) I smell someone trying to sell me some cow patty.

Alex: Come on! I really wanna be in this class! I mean, I even brought my own pretend baby, which is huge because everybody who knows me knows I never come prepared!

Mr. Laritate: Look, miss Russo, I’m always partial to enthusiasm, but the train’s already pulled out of the station on this one. We did that assignment last month.

Alex: But… Mr. Laritate, how can you say no to this little guy?

(Alex pulls of the blanket over the buggy to reveal Cupid with a shaving machine in his hand.)

Alex: What? Bad baby! No! (takes the shaving machine) I have it a shot….

(Alex takes the buggy and leaves the room. Mr. Laritate picks up the shaving machine from her desk.)

Mr. Laritate: A shaving baby doll? They’ve officially run out of toys.

Break

[Scene: The sub station. A table is set with candles and flowers. Justin is pulling a chair out for Harper.]

Justin: Ma cherie.

(Harper sits down and Justin tries to push her towards the table, but she is too heavy and he pulls the table towards her instead.)

Justin: (in a French accent) A quiet tete-a-tete over a romantic dinner.

Harper: Thanks, but it’s only 3:30 in the afternoon.

Justin: (chuckles) It’s never to early for romance.

(Justin claps his hands a violinist enters the sub station, playing his violin.)

Justin: (holding out a bottle of orange pop) Bubbly a l’orange.

Harper: Justin, the French thing is nice, but a little corny.

(Justin claps his hands again and the violinist stops playing.)

Justin: You’re right. I must go learn the new language of love for you. Which is… Cantonese! (to the violinist) Come on, Albert! Let’s go learn it!

(Justin and Albert leaves the sub station as Alex enters carrying Cupid.)

Harper: Oh, Alex, thank goodness you’re here! I thought my dream had come true, but Justin won’t let me out of his sight! In fact, he’s got his arm around so much that my shoulder is starting to smell like his armpit. Here, smell!

Alex: Whoa, no need. I’m not gonna fight you on that.

Harper: I don’t think I can live like this forever.

Cupid: Forever? Nah. Love from my arrow is only temporary.

Alex: Wait! This is temporary?! Why didn’t you tell me that?

Cupid: I’m a baby, I forget things! Hey, look! I have a belly button! (chuckles)

(Jerry comes in from the kitchen.)

Alex: Dad. Bad news. I couldn’t get into marriage and family class.

Jerry: It’s okay. I think your mom forgot about talking to the teacher at Open House tonight.

(Theresa comes down the stairs.)

Theresa: Oh, that’s right! Tonight is your Open House! Thanks for reminding me, Jerry.

Alex: Yeah, thanks for reminding her, dad.

(Max comes down with the love arrow.)

Max: I fixed it!

Theresa: Oh, Maxie, what did I tell about playing with arrows?

Max: Oh, sorry… (he snaps the arrow)

Break

[Scene: The school hallway. Justin is standing by his locker as Harper walks in.]

Justin: Harper!

(Harper runs away and tries to hide.)

Justin: What’re you doing down there?

(Harper walks towards him, pouting. Justin spreads his arms.)

Justin: Bring it in.

(They hug.)

Justin: You’re never going to believe this, but I signed up for scrapbooking and made one about us. Check it out! (holds out a scrapbook to Harper)

Harper: Justin! You’re taking all the fun out of my unrequited, twisted obsession for you. Leave me alone! I’m the one making scrapbooks in this relationship!

Justin: Harper!

(the effect from Cupid’s arrow wears off and Justin wakes up from his trance as Zeke and two other boys walk by with alien t-shirts.)

Zeke: Hey, Justin! (alien langauge) daka Harper! (laughs)

Justin: What? I don’t daka Harper!

(Justin sees the scrapbook his holding and drops it in horror.)

Justin: No-no-no-no, Zeke! (runs after them) Guys, wait up! (alien language)

Harper: (happily) Oh, there’s my Justin! And you used to daka me!

[Cut scene.]

[Scene: School hallway. Alex has the baby buggy and Jerry walks in next to her while eating a cupcake.]

Alex: Dad, where’s mom? You’re supposed to keep an eye on her so she doesn’t go to my marriage and family class.

Jerry: Well, I lost her by the cupcakes.

Alex: Dad… Cupcakes?

Jerry: Alright, I got lost in the cupcakes. Where’s Max?

Alex: I sent him to woodshoop so he could fix Cupid’s arrow.

Jerry: Let’s go.

[Cut scene.]

[Scene: Marriage and family classroom. Mr. Laritate is talking to a group of parents, including Theresa.]

Mr. Laritate: Which is why I tell your ducklings that…

(Jerry and Alex enter the room.)

Alex: Oh no, mom beat us here!

Mr. Laritate: … from the rooster’s crow to the coyote’s howl!

(The parents laugh.)

Theresa: You got that right, partner. Even raising the inconsiderate rooster is a job.

Mr. Laritate: Uh, Mrs. Russo, why are you here?

Theresa: I had some thoughts on marriage and family which you might find interesting.

Mr. Laritate: Yeah, but your daughter isn’t in…

Jerry: Theresa, why don’t we come back when Mr. Laritate has more time to talk?

Theresa: (to Mr. Laritate) Here’s an article about how difficult it can be when two very different people get married and now they’re afraid their mother was right.

(Max comes in holding the love arrow and a cupcake.)

Max: I fixed it!

Alex: What took you so long?

(Max holds up the cupcake)

Alex: Oh, would you just… (she takes the arrow and gives it to Cupid) Okay, this is it. Cupid, it’s time to save the day with a perfect shot at mom. Take the shot! Go!

(Alex moves the buggy around to give Cupid a better shot.)

Alex: Oh, just shoot!

(Cupid shoots the arrow and it hits a big lady next to Theresa.)

Alex: Oh no! What did you do?

Cupid: Hey kid! Did you balance the arrow after you fixed it?

Max: Yeah, it felt heavy on one side so I took the decorations off.

(Max holds up the fletchings. The big lady walks up to Jerry.)

Lady: You have the most beautiful eyes. What colour are they?

Jerry: Um… Thank you. They’re brown, I think. Yeah, they’re definitely brown.

Alex: Great! Thanks a lot, Cupid, now I’m gonna have start calling that old lady Mom!

Max: I am not rubbing her feet.

Cupid: Relax, look over there.

Lady: So, brown-eyes… Are you allowed to drive at night, hm?

(Theresa sees the old lady flirting with Jerry.)

Theresa: Only to take you back to the rest home, black-eyes.

Lady: My eyes aren’t black.

Theresa: Keep flirting with my husband and you’ll get there.

Cupid: You know, sometimes jealousy works better than a love arrow.

Alex: Well, mom and dad didn’t get back together the way I thought, but this will work. Come on, mom! Let’s go hear my P.E. teacher tell you how I hate to run, it’ll be fun!

(Alex and Max leave the room.)

Theresa: (to Jerry) You’re mine. Don’t you forget that.

(Jerry and Theresa walk out together.)

Break

[Scene: The Russo living room. Everyone in the Russo family is there.]

Theresa: So you mean to tell me he’s not going to leave until I get shot in the butt with an arrow?

Everyone: Yeah, that’s right…

Theresa: I really hate magic. Give me that.

(Theresa takes the arrow from the couch and sticks it in her butt.)

Theresa: Oh! I love you guys!

Cupid: Works for me!

(Cupid disappears.)

Alex: We love you too, Mom.

Max: Let’s test it.

(Max gets up and throws the lamp on the floor. The love effect wears off and Theresa screams.)

Theresa: Jerry! How could you let the kids break my lamp again?!

Alex: Aaand she’s back.

End credits