The Roommate Transmogrification

Scene: The Cheesecake Factory

Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order?

Howard: Uh..

Leonard: Sure

Penny: Okay, Priya?

Priya: Uh, I’ll have the Shepherd’s Pie. You want to split that with me?

Leonard: Oh, no, no, no, he doesn’t.

Priya: Why not?

Leonard: Well, you have milk in the taters, milk in the gravy, parmesan crust. Your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn into a gas-filled Macy’s Day balloon.

Sheldon: Not quite accurate. The Macy’s balloons are filled with helium, whereas Leonard produces copious amounts of methane.

Leonard: So, no, on the Shepherd’s Pie. Can we move on?

Penny: Yeah, a little tip: he says he can eat frozen yoghurt. Do not believe it.

Leonard: Sea bass. I’ll have the sea bass.

Howard: You gotta like this, the girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.

Leonard: Kill me.

Sheldon: It wouldn’help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.

Bernadette: Guys, sorry I’m late. I have amazing news.

Sheldon: Bernadette, before you change the subject, does anyone have any final comments on Leonard’s faulty digestive system?

Leonard: So, what’s your news, Bernadette?

Bernadette: The thesis committee accepted my doctoral dissertation. I’m getting my PhD.

Penny: Oh!

Sheldon: Oh, congratulations.

Penny: Wow, so that means you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, and Howard, you know a lot of doctors.

Howard: Congratulations, honey.

Bernadette: Thank you.

Leonard: So, Howard, tell us, how’s it feel knowing that when you two get married, you’ll be referred to as Mr. and Dr. Wolowitz?

Sheldon: Unless he takes Bernadette’s last name. And considering her advanced status, that could open some doors for him.

Howard: Please, this isn’t about me. I’m proud of you.

Bernadette: Well, you’ll be really be proud of this. I was headhunted by a big pharmaceutical company. They’re gonna pay me a buttload of money!

Howard: What?

Leonard: Bernadette, that’s great. Howard, do you make a buttload?

Howard: Better than what you’ve got a buttload of.

Leonard: Hey, if I roll down the windows in the car, everything’s peachy. If you do it, you’re still not a doctor.

Penny: Yeah, just a heads-up on the car window deal. It helps, but everything is not peachy.

Credits sequence.

Scene: Raj’s apartment.

Raj (earphones in, singing): Oh, if there was a problem, you can’t solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolves it. Ice, Ice, baby. Ice, Ice, baby. (Removes headphones and goes to refrigerator).

Priya (off): Oh, God, I feel ridiculous in this dress.

Leonard (off): You look beautiful, Lieutenant Uhura. Now prepare for inspection.

Priya (off): Shh, my brother’s going to hear you.

Leonard (off): Relax, he’s got headphones on. And we’re ten miles above Earth in a starship.

Raj: Really, ten miles? You’re orbiting inside the atmosphere? Moron.

Priya (off): I can’t believe I’m wearing my brother’s Halloween costume.

Leonard (off): I can’t believe you think he only wears it on Halloween. Open the landing bay doors, shuttle craft approaching.

Raj: Okay, gotta go.

Scene: Howard’s house.

Howard: Hey, what’s up?

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Is that my future daughter-in-law, the doctor?

Howard: No, Ma! It’s Raj!

Mrs Wolowitz (off): He’s a doctor too, right?

Howard: Yes!

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Like Leonard and the skinny weirdo!

Howard: Sheldon, yes! Everybody’s a doctor but me!

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Well, whose fault is that?

Howard: What’s up?

Raj: Leonard’s putting disgusting memories in my memory foam mattress. Can I stay here tonight?

Howard: Sure, but I’m going out with Bernadette. It’ll just be you and my mother.

Raj: I guess that’s okay.

Howard: Ma, can Rajesh sleep over?!

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Of course, he and I can play doctor!

Raj: She’s kidding, right?

Howard: I don’t know, she’s pretty feisty since they put her on hormone-replacement therapy.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Paging Dr. Cutie Pie!

Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is talking to Amy on webcam.

Sheldon: I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her PhD.

Amy: It’s indeed admirable. Although, it is microbiology.

Sheldon: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.

Amy: I’ll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite. Is there something wrong with your neck?

Sheldon: It’s a little stiff. What a remarkably fragile structure to support such a valuable payload. Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick.

Amy: Have you considered massage?

Sheldon: I’d like to respond to that sarcastically. Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.

Amy: I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hands.

Sheldon: Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.

Amy: Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process.

Sheldon: All right.

Amy: Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so.

Sheldon: Rotating.

Amy: You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone.

Sheldon: You mean the myofascial point?

Amy: Obviously. Now bear down on it like the seventh grade noogies we all know too well.

Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, yes, yes, oh, yes! Amy, I’ve never been touched like this before! Oh! Oh, my hands are magic!

Amy: Don’t flatter yourself. Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system. I could just as easily have paralyzed you.

Sheldon: There’s someone at my door.

Amy: That doesn’t interest me. Goodbye.

Raj (at door): Can I sleep here tonight?

Sheldon: Why?

Raj: Leonard’s having astronomically inaccurate Star Trek sex with my sister.

Sheldon: I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in. I’ll get the sheets and blankets for the couch.

Raj: Oh, don’t bother. I’ll just sleep in Leonard’s room.

Sheldon: No, I can’t authorize that.

Raj: Well, he’s in my bed. Why can’t I be in his?

Sheldon: The Hammurabic Code is an eye for an eye, not a bed for a bed.

Raj: Come on, dude, I’m exhausted, and Tyra Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night’s sleep.

Sheldon: All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard’s bedroom. Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression.

Raj: Good night, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Wait. Not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures. Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.

Raj: You’re kidding.

Sheldon: I never kid about safety.

Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard enters, and accidentally sits on Raj. Both exclaim.

Leonard: What are you doing here?

Raj: I was sleeping.

Leonard: In my bed?

Raj: Well, I would’ve slept in my own bed, but it was being used to bring shame to my family. And the memory of Gene Roddenberry.

Leonard: Oh, you heard?

Raj: Scotty, I need more power.

Leonard: Sorry. Does Sheldon know you’re sleeping in here?

Raj: Are you kidding? He made me sign a waiver, participate in an emergency fire drill and take a refresher course in CPR. Thank God he had a dummy.

Leonard: Oh, yeah. Mouth-to-Mouth Mona. You know, she used to date Howard?

Raj: Oh, my God, she’s that Mona? Why can’t you and my sister spend your nights here?

Leonard: We tried. She doesn’t get along with Sheldon.

Raj: Sheldon doesn’t get along with Sheldon. It’s still no reason for me to have to listen to you arm your photon torpedoes every night.

Leonard: Okay, well, how about this. Until Priya gets her own place, you stay here and I’ll stay at your apartment.

Raj: Can I bring girls here?

Leonard: You? Sure. Bring as many as you want.

Raj: Okay, deal.

Leonard: Just not against their will.

Scene: The cafeteria.

Leonard: Do you really think you should be eating that cake?

Howard: Why?

Leonard: If you’re gonna be a trophy husband for a rich wife, you might want to watch your waistline.

Raj: He’s right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

Howard: Yeah, ha-ha. First of all, I’m not threatened by my fiancée’s success. I’m proud of her. And secondly, I have my own career.

Leonard: Until you have kids.

Sheldon: Good news, Raj. I got the blood work back from the lab. You’re okay to stay for a while.

Raj: When did you take my blood?

Sheldon: Not important. Your sugar was a little high. I’d follow up with your regular physician. In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over.

Raj: What the hell is this?

Sheldon: Boilerplate stuff. A modified roommate agreement for a temporary house guest. And a living will and durable power of attorney.

Raj: This says you can make end of life decisions for me.

Sheldon: As your friend, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Please sign.

Raj: Did you sign this?

Leonard: There’s a reciprocity clause. You get to pull the plug on him, too.

Raj: Well, that seems fair.

Sheldon: Congratulations and welcome temporarily aboard. Here’s your I.D. Card, your key and your lapel pin. Which Leonard was too cool to wear. FYI, part of your responsibilities as roommate pro tem will be to drive me to and from work, the comic book store, the barbershop and the park for one hour every other Sunday for fresh air.

Leonard: Bring a ball or a Frisbee, you know, something he can chase.

Sheldon: Also, you’re tasked with bringing home all takeout dinners. Tonight is Thai food. You’ll find the standard order in appendix B or downloadable from my FTP server. If you have any questions, here’s the FAQ sheet, or if you prefer the human touch, I do a live web chat called Apartment Talk on Tuesday nights.

Leonard: No backsies.

Scene: The apartment.

Raj: Sheldon, dinner!

Sheldon: What is this?

Raj: This is the difference between eating and dining.

Sheldon: Remarkable. I’m just realizing how much Leonard’s been skating by all these years.

Raj: It’s not a big thing. Just think of me as a brown Martha Stewart.

Penny (at door): Hey, Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again?

Sheldon: Yes, it’s “Penny, get your own Wi-Fi.” No spaces.

Penny: Thanks. Wow! What’s with the fancy spread?

Sheldon: My new roommate is bending over backwards to ingratiate himself to me. (Pointing to lapel badge) Uh, nice touch, by the way.

Penny: What do you mean, new roommate? What happened to Leonard?

Sheldon: The same thing that happened to Homo Erectus. He was replaced by a superior species.

Raj: I’m the new Homo in town. That came out wrong.

Penny: All right, let me try this again. Where’s Leonard?

Raj: He’s living at my place, so I’m living here.

Sheldon: You’re living here provisionally. But I must say it’s looking good.

Penny: Woah, Leonard and Priya are living together? That’s big.

Sheldon: No. Origami napkin swans, that’s the headline.

Raj: It’s a good thing.

Scene: Bernadette’s bedroom.

Howard: So do you know what kind of research you’ll be doing at this pharmaceutical company?

Bernadette: Well, there are a couple of opportunities available, but I volunteered for the premature ejaculation project. I mean, it’s not like either one of us has heart disease. Oh, I almost forgot. I got you a little present.

Howard: Oh, Bernie, no. You didn’t have to.

Bernadette: I wanted to. Come on, open it.

Howard: You bought me a Rolex? How much did this cost?

Bernadette: Oh, you let me worry about the money. I just want my baby to have pretty things.

Scene: The apartment.

Raj: More wine?

Penny: Oh, no, no, no. I’ve had way too much already.

Sheldon: Here’s an interesting fact about alcohol.

Penny: Hit me.

Sheldon: Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint, sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.

Penny: Monkeys.

Sheldon: When does a monkey have a trunk?

Penny: When a suitcase just won’t do.

Sheldon: Mmm, all right. It would appear as if alcohol is playing keep-away with your intelligence. Good night. Please note, it is now past ten p.m. Per our roommate agreement, kindly refrain from raucous laughter, clinking of glasses, and celebratory gunfire.

Penny: Okay, explain something to me. You watch Leonard put up with that guy for years and years. What has to break inside your brain for you to think, Oh, Krishna, I’ve got to get me some of that?

Raj: Well, it’s a lot better than having to wear noise-cancelling headphones in my own apartment.

Penny: What? Oh, God, yeah. Yeah. Leonard’s a noisy little dude in the sack.

Raj: Every night.

Penny: Really? Even during allergy season, when he has to alternate between kissing and breathing?

Raj: It’s my sister. Can we not talk about this any more?

Penny: Yeah. Sorry, sorry. Can I tell you a secret?

Raj: Yeah.

Penny: I screwed up. Leonard’s a great guy. Never should have broken up with him.

Raj: Well, uh, to paraphrase Shakespeare, It’s better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography.

Penny: Oh, you poor baby.

Raj: What’s wrong with me, Penny?

Penny: Nothing, nothing. You know, if we weren’t friends, and you hadn’t brought up that creepy pornography story, I’d be on you like the speed of light squared on matter to make energy.

Raj: Hey, you totally got that right! E equals M C squared.

Penny: I listen. I have no idea what it means, but I listen. To friendship.

Raj: To friendship.

Sheldon (off): Would you booze hounds please stop that infernal clinking? And the answer was elephant!

Scene: Raj’s apartment. Leonard and Priya are kissing.

Leonard: Mmm. Mmm.

Priya: Leonard, sweetheart, we’re kissing, not eating hot soup.

Leonard: Sorry.

Priya (computer tone): That’s my parents on video chat. Go hide in the bedroom.

Leonard: Oh, come on! Why don’t we just tell them that we’re dating?

Priya: Oh, we’ve been through this. It’s not the time.

Leonard: When is the time?

Priya: I’ve got five brothers and sisters. One of them is bound to screw up real big, and then I’ll tell my parents about you. Now, shoo.

Leonard: Fine.

Priya: Hello, Mummy. Hello, Daddy.

Dr Koothrappali: We heard there was a tornado in Kansas City. Is that close to you?

Priya: No.

Mrs Koothrappali: Where is your brother?

Priya: Out with friends.

Dr Koothrappali: I don’t like it, a young girl alone in an apartment.

Mrs Koothrappali: I’ll sleep so much better when you move back here next month.

Leonard: You’re moving back to India?

Dr Koothrappali: Who’s that?

Mrs Koothrappali: Oh, my God! There’s someone in your apartment. Call the police in America!

Leonard: When were you going to tell me about this?

Priya: Oh, hello, Leonard. What a pleasant surprise! Mummy, Daddy, you remember Rajesh’s friend Leonard.

Dr Koothrappali: I thought you said Rajesh was out with his friends.

Priya: He has many friends.

Dr Koothrappali: Rajesh has many friends?

Mrs Koothrappali: Why are you lying to us?

Leonard: She’s lying because she doesn’t want you to know we’re dating.

Priya: Leonard!

Leonard: Well, what difference does it make? If you’re moving back to India, we’re obviously breaking up.

Priya: You know what? I don’t want to deal with this right now.

Leonard: So. Hot in India?

Dr Koothrappali: Of course it is. It always is. It’s India. Now, what do you have to say for yourself?

Leonard: Uh. That is a beautiful tapestry.

Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Raj and Penny are in bed.

Penny (waking up): Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh. Okay, look. This never happened. Do you understand me? (Raj nods) Really? Still can’t talk to me?

Scene: The living room. Leonard is asleep on the couch.

Sheldon: What are you doing here?

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: I said, what are you doing here?

Leonard: I live here.

Sheldon: I have paperwork that says differently.

Leonard: Priya’s going back to India.

Sheldon: Irrelevant. Rajesh and I have a good thing going and you’re not going to ruin it. (Knock on door) What are you doing here?

Howard: I’ve been up all night. I had a fight with Bernadette.

Sheldon: Why?

Howard: She gave me a beautiful watch.

Sheldon: Leonard, do you understand this?

Leonard: Yes.

Sheldon: Talk to him.

Penny (entering room dishevelled, with a half naked Raj behind): Damn.

Leonard: What’s going on?

Penny: Oh. It’s, it’s not what it looks like.

Sheldon: What does it look like?