There Will Be Bad Blood

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Come on, people, I want this place to look nice. Family is coming. Francine, did you pick up Champagne? Yeah, I just picked her up from the bus stop. Miss Francine, did you move the gravy boat? It's above the microwave, dear. Klaus, you look great. Thanks, it's just Banana Republic. How do I look? Steve, you know my half brother is Native American. But we made these in school. Those things are sacred, like yarmulkes for the Jews or cowboy hats for ugly sluts at music festivals. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. There's my favorite nephew. Butterfly knife and a Hustler. Thanks, Uncle Kappy. I'm not Uncle Kappy just yet. I still have to get drunk. Now, then, where is the good booze that you only pull out to show off to your half brother? I don't pull out the nice Scotch to show off. I do it in the spirit of the holiday to share with the ones I love. Oh, please, you have them over every year just so you can feel like a big shot. Roger's right, Dad. You totally get off on how much more successful you are than your half brother. Hayley, trust me, you have no idea what gets me off and you probably never will. Look, Rusty and his family have nothing. I invite them here so they can enjoy all we've been blessed with. I might be wealthier than Rusty, but it's not like I rub it in his face. Rusty. Hey, feel this, it's cashmere. Thank you for having us. Sooleawa'Uha likes to escape the desert heat, and I know Glenn looks forward to this all the year long. I know what that's like. I look forward to coming here every day, too, to this big-ass house, yeah I make money. Here you go, Rusty. I can't believe it's been a whole year since you've been here. We have so much new stuff to show you. Steve, show Glenn your new X-Cube. The "X" is for "x-pensive. " Look at those graphics on that high-def, no-glare screen. You can even shine a flashlight on it. See, no glare. And you should see the blacks on this thing. Steve, pop in The Nutty Professor. And check out this flashlight-- halogen. This thing's bright as The four burners allow me to make four things at once. That's hot as Welcome to the Smith house. You know, this day is about giving thanks, and I'll tell you what I'm thankful for-- having family I get to spend each Thanksgiving with. I'm glad that when my dad walked into that nightclub in Santa Fe, eyes damaged by the New Mexican sun, he bedded your Cherokee mother, having mistaken her for a person. I love you, bro. You're my Thanksgiving Miracle. "Thanksgiving Miracle"? You're thinking of "Christmas Miracle. " Oh, no, Hayley. Me thinkum you forgottum the story of the Thanksgiving Miracle. It all started at a place called Pontiac Rock. Well, the Pilgrims arrived and they didn't know what to do. The land was all undeveloped because the Indians hadn't done any work. It was all weeds, no sprinklers, nothing, just nothing. They couldn't get anything to grow or even make shelter before the harsh winter came. In the Pilgrims' darkest hour, when all was lost along came Squanto. The following autumn, the Pilgrims invited the Indians to a feast to thank them for all their kindness. The feast was the perfect opportunity for the Pilgrims to try out their new exploding corn. Our forefathers took their land and it was good. And now how about a Champagne toast? To the Smiths. They gave me their old curtains. I can't wait to see the look on my brother's face when he sees these Manolo Blahniks I got for the turkey. Oh, Stan, our first Thanksgiving since Hayley ran off with Jeff. It just won't be the same without our little girl. There is still a week. Maybe they'll come back. She's not coming back, Francine. In fact, she's dead to me for marrying that loser. Stan. Yep, yep, we got some HVAC running through here. Steve, what are you doing?! Expanding my room. I'm an only child now, so I get anything I want. You have to do whatever I say because I'm all you got. And I want a bigger room! I want a closet like Big made for Carrie in Sex and the City. I want a Labradoodle and a nice camera to take pictures of us! Steven, you are out of control, mister. You'd better not behave this way when Rusty and his family get here. If anyone has the right to complain, it's them. They don't have squat. You know what? For Thanksgiving this year, we're not going to have them come here. We're going to their gross tepee in Crap-hole, Arizona. Then you'll see how good you've got it. What?! You heard me, and then we're going to Four Corners, where you'll get to see me break-dance in four states at once! Ahh, man! We're going to spend a whole week here? Aah, I didn't bring enough batteries for all my stuff. Rusty. Sorry about the elk. I found him on the side of the road. You Indians really don't waste a thing, do you? Except for time reading the fine print on treaties. Hop in, guys. I call antlers up the butt. Mine, called it. You live here? I do. This is what Steve needs to see. Come on, let's get settled. Stan, where are you going? That is the pump house for the fountains and pools. Fountains and pools? Well, so, then, where do you live? Up there. That's your house? Well, actually, it is a replica of Augustus Caesar's summer house built into the cliffs of Cyprus. But yes, that is the long way of saying yes. So we're the poor family. Whoa, somebody just got cuter. Some tepee you got here, Russ. The home was a labor of love. We built it into the mountainside so as to not obstruct the natural order of the landscape. I bragged about our four burners. How many burners do you have? I never counted. Hmm 86? Whoo, that's a lot of burners! Glenn, I think Steve might enjoy to see your gaming space. This place is crazy. Do we really have to wear these to play video games? It's amazing how this skintight suit doesn't show a boner even though I'm certain we both have one, right? I just want you to know I'm having a wonderful time. Power on! Where are the remotes?! We are the remotes! My whole body's a joystick! This bar has absolutely everything. Oh, my God, Absolute Everything. That bathroom is amazing. A gold toilet? And I can't believe you have a servant just to wipe your butt. Um, I don't. Oh, explains the attitude and why he did such a slapdash job. Rusty, I, I always thought you were poor. I-I actually brought Steve here to try to make him appreciate what he has. That is truly funny because I have been bringing my family to your house every Thanksgiving for the same reason. How did you get so rich? It is the land. I pull $18 million of copper out of the ground every year! This land, the land you got from Grandpa? Wer-Weren't we supposed to share this land? You two are my only grandchildren. All I got to my name is $20,000 and a piece of land your sissy great grandpappy won in a game of kickball against some So you two decide who gets what: the sweet 20 grand or the crap land. Rusty, we both clearly want the money, so here's what we'll do. I'll hold a number behind my back. If you choose correctly, then you can take the money. Okay. Two. Nope, 11. I get the money. Peace, I'm out of here. Yo, can I get two Jell-Os for me and my gramps? You tricked me! Stan, you inherited $20,000. What did you do with it? I lost it. Not in stocks and bonds, but in the old-fashioned way-- left it on the bus. Look, the point is-- things clearly didn't work out fairly. We should share this land. Stan, I am sorry about the way things worked out, but I don't - You can do my wife. - What? Think about it. White Francine. No limits. Stan, this land was given to me fair and square by our grandfather. You mean my grandfather! You shouldn't even exist! Like male nipples. They're worthless. They're driving me crazy. Every time I look at 'em, I feel like a lady. Come on, Uncle Kappy. It's time to go. No! It's Sammy Hagar's Jagermeister-- Hagarmeister! Yeah, baby! This house blows. I shouldn't have to live like a homeless person. What about me? I only have four burners. What if I want to cook bacon and an egg and a hash brown and a pancake and a chicken? I just realized that I've always hated living here. I can't believe my ears. Because every word that you guys just said is completely true. This place sucks. What are you guys talking about? Hey, it's me, Klaus. Rusty's rich, Klaus. Okay? Now you know. Oh. Well, Stan, you should be happy for your brother. So what if he's rich? You all still have so much. Look at me. I lost everything, even my big But I am still thankful for what I do have. Like the sunshine and music and and all of you to enjoy life with. This is crap. Tomorrow's Thanksgiving, and we have nothing to be thankful for! Grandpa wanted me to have that land, but Rusty slid in and took it right out from under me. Do you really feel like all of Rusty's stuff should be yours, Stan? Yes, I do. In my heart, I know it should all be mine. Then you must take it. Yeah. Do what the pilgrims did. Just-Just take it. And most importantly, take it all. Take it all like a big girl. Stan nods, inspired. Text from my boy Rog. It better not be a butt. Uh-oh. There's an attachment. It's downloading. Please don't be a butt. Please, please, please Oh, it's a butt! Come on now! Whose butt is that? That's a white-ass butt! Let me see. What's going on? Why are we at Uncle Stan's house? That son of a bitch. Trying to pull the old house switcheroony on us. Would anyone like me to pour more Dom on the floor? This is the best Thanksgiving ever. Who could that be? Rusty! Get the hell out of my house. They remember. No. You don't understand. It should all be mine. The floor is heated. Oh, come on. If you come back here, I will kill you! That should all be mine! I deserve it. I want it all! It should be mine, mine, mine! Is everyone okay? Yeah, yeah, I think so. Thank God. It's a miracle. I'll go get help. This helicopter crash was the best thing that could have happened to us. Now we can go back to Rusty's and get what we deserve. But Stan, he said he'd kill you. If Native Americans could kill a white man, they would have done it already. Well okay. Which way is it? We were flying south, so the house should be due north. I have a compass. Follow me. This looks just like where they shot that Spice Girls video. Give it up, girl You get it, got it You can do it if you really want it! That's-that's not really one of their songs, but it's-it's crappy like that. Roger, I'm pretty sure this is the second time we passed this cactus that looks like Queen Latifah. I know where I'm going. I just need to get the last ball in to make this thing really work. What? Let me see that. Roger, this isn't a compass. It's a stupid game for fun. It is? Who's doing that for fun? We're lost! Oh, my God, it didn't break. Oh, my God, you got all the balls in. Oh, my God, it isn't fun! Wonder who this guy was. Luckily, I've got some forensic clay on me. Let's see who died. A balanced breakfast! Oh, no. They smelled the fake breakfast! They're gonna kill us! Stan! Oh, my God. I know this wolf. I know this wolf! It's a miracle-- a Thanksgiving miracle! My wolf came to save us! Aah! It's not her! It's not Felicity. Different wolf. Thank God those wolves gave up. Nature's quitters. Too hot. Don't worry. I know what to do. What are you doing? I saw this on Man vs. Wild. These pee hats will keep us cool. It-It got so cold. This thing's stuck to my head. It froze! It's freezing my brain! We have to huddle together for warmth. Come. Francine, touch me. What? Touch me. It'll provide us with all the warmth we need. I saw it on Man vs. Wild. That feels amazing. I'm not touching you. I am. That feels amazing. Oh, I'm gonna make it! Moo-hoo! Uh-oh. Oh, no. We are definitely going to die. I'm too young to die. No, you're not. Just give up, son. You'll stay young forever. Squanto? It's the Thanksgiving miracle. HAYLEY'S VOICE: Dad? Hayley? Hey, Mr. S. Sorry I stole your money. If it makes you feel any better, I spent it all having fun. You look terrible. Hayley, how did you find us? It was totally random. After we ran out of money, Jeff suggested that we prostitute ourselves. At first, Jeff was saying he was only going to do woman, but then That wasn't working out. So, long story short, Jeff's on butt rest, and we moved to the desert. Please pass the turkey jerky. I'd like to make a toast. Yes, a toast. To Jeff's fruit punch that I added drain cleaner to. And to Lionel Richie who put a blind woman in his video. This may not be the best Thanksgiving dinner we've ever had. Worst. But I'm so happy to be here. Through losing everything, I realized how much I took for granted. Including my daughter, who I was ready to disown. Hayley, you are officially undead to me. I want you and Jeff to move in with us. Stan? Rusty, you're here. I owe you a huge apology. We're brothers and I told you to get off my land. What? This is still your land?! How much land did you get? Sowo-wowo-wowo-wowo much. Hey guys, I found you. Oh, my God! Go! Go! Go! Whoa, whoa, whoa. L-Let me get this straight. You have an oven just for toast? That's right, Jeff. And look at these paper towels I bought. Look how thick. You can keep that. Gee, Mr. S., you're the richest guy I know. And you're the poorest guy I know, Jeff. And that's why you can stay here as long as you want. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.