How Star Wars The Empire Strikes Back Should Have Ended


 * (Vader walking around his ship, telling everyone around that he has a son.)
 * Emperor: I have no doubt this boy is the offspring of Anakin Skywalker.
 * Vader: What? I have a son!?
 * Emperor: [confused] No, I said Anakin Skywalker has a son. You are Darth Vad—
 * Vader: I have a son! This is wonderful! I must see him! [leaves the room]
 * Emperor: [ignored] Wait, where are you going?
 * Vader: [goes around] Hey, everyone! Have you heard the news? I'm a father! Woohoo! I have a son, stormtroopers! I have a son, asteroids! Hey, bounty hunters, guess what, I have a son, did you know that? I have a son, little droid that drives around the hallways! [as the Star Destroyer is entering the hyperspace] I have a son, lightspeee—WHOA!


 * Vader: [to Imperial Navy Officers] Hey, everyone! Have you heard the news? I'm a father! Woohoo! Oh, this is great! No force choking all around!
 * Imperial officers: Woohoo!
 * Vader: [cut to other characters... and things] I have a son, stormtroopers! I have a son, asteroids! TIE Fighters, I have a soooooon! [Does a Happy Dance] Hey, bounty hunters, guess what, I have a son, did you know that?
 * Boba Fett: Yes.
 * Vader: You already knew? Who told you? Quit standing around and get back to work. [cut to other characters/things again] I have a son, little droid that drives around the hallways! [as the Star Destroyer is entering the hyperspace] I have a son, lightspeee—WHOA! [cut to Cloud City where Vader talks with Compelling Voice] Greetings, Cloud City. How are you? Well, I'm doing fantastic, thank you for asking. Because I just found out I have a son! You may commence with the pleasantries. [Cloud City citizens have WTF expression. Cut to the carbonite-frozen Han Solo] I have a son, Captain Solo, who is now frozen in carbonite and can't really hear me. HAHA!


 * Vader: Oh, hang on. Where do you think you're going?
 * Luke: AW, COME ON!
 * Vader: This isn't a negotiation.
 * Luke: Let me go!
 * Vader: I'm your father, and I say we're going home.
 * Luke: You're the worst dad EVER!
 * Vader: More like the most powerful dad ever! [chuckles]