Jimmy's Fake Girlfriend

Why the hell did you think I'd like scrapbooking? It's just a humiliating reminder that we haven't done anything with our lives. I want us to have a hobby together. The cute wrinkly couple I met said scrapbooking was the key to their That's because they work in a scrapbooking store. If they ran a liquor store, they'd say drinking was the secret to their marriage. Wilfrid and I tried that. I mean, we fought a lot, spent a couple of nights in jail, but once he got cirrhosis of the liver, it really brought us together. We could do that. Let's keep looking. Well, I made a ship and a bottle. It's ship in a bottle. Get See? I told you you'd get the hang of cross-stitching. That's five, Virginia! I'm done. I don't know what it is! I'm the same way with Chinese food! Hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it! RAISING HOPE S02 Ep. 14 - Jimmy's Fake Girlfriend Now what? We wait for it to grow. This sucks. Well, I waited a year and a half for Sabrina to break up with Wyatt, and this morning, I find out they're moving in together. I guess it's time to give up. Good thinking. I'm sure there's another girl you can admire from afar and never make a move on. How about that redhead at the dry cleaners? She's got a boyfriend. What the hell's the matter with you two? They're getting married. You need to step up your game. Whatever you do, be sure you keep a piece of Sabrina's hair. The way technology's moving, in a couple of years, you'll be able to grow your very own Sabrina from it. Hey, Sabrina, it's Virginia. How you doing? No! What are you doing?! Contain him. Have you seen Jimmy? He's out on a date with his girlfriend and he's not answering his cell. Yeah, they've been on four or five dates now. Mmhe's just real private about that stuff. Anyway, he's been making tons of intercourse, so if you see him, just tell him to call his mother. Well, I got to go do something that won't allow me to talk longer. Take care! Guess what? Mama just kicked you up a notch. Dial it back, baby. You're choking him out. Having another girl makes you more desirable. Your father was a tobacco-chewing jackass on a minibike when we met. Half the reason I liked him was because somebody else had him. You know what the other half was? I'm such a good kisser. If I had my own martial art, it'd be called tongue-fu. Burt, please don't ruin that for me. Look, if Sabrina seems happy and says "congrats on the girlfriend," she doesn't like you. But if she seems a little snippy, you got her on the hook. If that doesn't work, you could just try guys. Dad, I'm not gay. You're not gonna get the guy. Just gonna pine for him and waste all our time. Hey, Casanova. I hear you have a lady-friend. Does she have any older sisters? A mother? Grandmothers who've taken care of themselves? The girlfriend was a stupid lie my mom said just to make Sabrina jealous. Well, I think your mother's idea is working. Score one for hot-ass Virginia. What do you mean it's working? D-Does Sabrina seem jealous? Would you say she was snippy? It's hard to say. Everyone's snippy with me; I'm Frank. I mean about the girlfriend. Was she snippy about the girlfriend thing? See what I mean? Well, look what the cat dragged in. Where's mystery lady? Is there something to hide? She a little plump? She a little plumpy in the dumpy? No. Funny you should ask, Sabrina, because she was just here, and she was gorgeous. So I missed her? What's she like? Athletic build, shorts and a tank top. Braided hair, weapons and gear you'd need for tomb-raiding. You're describing Lara Croft. I am not familiar with that film or video game. Frank didn't actually meet her. Well, I should meet her. Maybe we should go on a little double date. You, me, Wyatt, Bucktooth McBig-Butt. I'm just kidding. I'm sure she's lovely. I don't know. She's only off Mondays and I work Mondays. I can take your shift. Great. It's a date. Frank, what the hell, man? It wasn't me, Jimmy, it's the disease. You know I'm a workaholic. Way to go! Now we have to find me a fake girlfriend, and I think she has to look like Lara Croft. - Who? - Angela Jolly. I hate this! This hobby would be a lot more fun if we could afford two helicopters. I hate this. I feel like I'm tangled in a dirty web of lies. Don't think of it as a dirty web of lies, think of it as a warm cocoon of lies. We just need to find someone to pretend to be your girlfriend. What about your cousin Alyssa? She's 14. She's a tall 14. Burt, stop strafing Maw Maw. It's boring without a little combat. She likes it. Can we focus on this double date, please? Because I'm gonna lose Sabrina forever if I can't find a fake girlfriend for Valentine's Day. James, James! I was on the elliptical, and as soon as my heart rate hit 150, the solution to your problem shot into my head like a flash of genius! Cramp! What?! What's the solution?! Banana! Get me a banana! This is the improv group I've been taking classes with. Keeps me young. Plus, there's Alzheimer's in my family, so I have to keep exercising my noodle. Like right there, I said "noodle" instead of "brain. " Always working. Look at them spazzing out up there. That's exactly what my remedial math class was like. Freeze! Whoa. The actors have to make up a scene based on whatever random position they find themselves in. I'm reeling in a big one here! No way! He just made that up? Thanks, Ed. You ruined my day. That fish knew his name! Move. I think Mary-Louise would make the perfect fake girlfriend for James. She's an amazing actress who's been on Broadway-- the street. And while she was there, she saw a lot of great shows. So, Barney says you're going to pay me to act like your pretend girlfriend. Here's my head shot. Check out my special skills. I can juggle, speak some Spanish, stage-fight, rollerblade I also scat. Yeah. Barney made it seem like I was more sure of this than I am. I'm not even positive we can pull off a lie like this. Yeah, well, I guess it can be risky. But I don't get why you need a fake girlfriend. You're sweet, tall, great nose. You like my nose? 'Cause a lot of people seem to make fun of it. That's 'cause there's nothing else to make fun of. I mean, there's some size on it, but what girl doesn't like a little size? Okay, I'm being bad. How about this? A nose like that probably likes to stop and smell the roses. I do like to smell the roses. I work in yards a lot. Yeah, I can tell you work outdoors. You're well-built and ruddy. How about we forget the fake girlfriend thing and you just ask me out? Unless you don't like my body or something. - No. - It's a great body. You should feel my stomach. Like that? It's very firm. That's not all that's firm. Move your hand around to my-- And scene! Had you going, didn't I, puppy? So, now are you less nervous about whether we can pull this off? I guess. Just to be clear, does the real you think I look well- built and ruddy? Ruddy. Freeze! Virginia, start the scene. I'm reeling in a big one. Nice to meet you. I'm an astronaut walking on the moon. No, no! I'm the fish's mother. Give me back my son! Okay, I'm gonna let you go. But now I'm gonna eat you instead. You're good at this. We both are. Burt! Virginia! We found our hobby. Whoo! Okay, Jimmy and Mary-Louise, you'll be yourselves. Virginia, you'll be Wyatt. That bag of chips will be Sabrina. And I am a French waiter. And go! You are all so stupid! I'm Wyatt. I kind of have the hots for this French waiter over here. I wonder if he'll teach me his national kiss. Guys, this is fun, but I don't want to spend all our time role-playing. Americans! So busy, busy, busy! Life should be enjoyed slowly, like a fine aged cheese. Ooh-la-la! Can we just get the facts straight about this fake relationship? Yeah, I think we need a good meet-cute. A sweet story of the cute way we met. Well, we're never gonna beat how I met Sabrina. I was rolling a grocery basket with a prison baby, and she kind of thought I was a kidnapper pedophile. Or say you saved my cat from a tree. But cats hate me, and I'm bad with trees. Sabrina knows this. M-Maybe we should not do this date. I'm going to slap you if you don't stop panicking! It's gonna blow up! She's gonna find out I lied, and then I'm not gonna see her again until she's Mrs. Wyatt Gill. - Wyatt Gill? - Yeah. He's the guy we're stealing a girl from? We grew up right down the street from each other. Our families are good friends. If we're hurting Wyatt, - I've got to tell him. - No! - I knew it. - Whoa, Nelly! - Crap. It's over. - No, it's not over, Jimmy. We'll just find you a new fake girlfriend. Well, you'd better do it fast, because I'm going to tell him. The hell you are! Burt, grab some rope. Will you let go of me?! Mom! We'll just tie her up and keep her in the garage till after the double date! Are you insane?! Let go of her! Jimmy, you want to be a single father for the rest of your life? Mom And scene! Mary-Louise and I figured that out while you two were inside getting beers. I got it! Okay, got ya! If we're gonna do this, each of us has to tie a knot 'cause I'm not taking the rap for this alone. - Here you go. - Thanks. Sorry we're late. Romeo here filled a bathtub with champagne and rose petals, and when I got in, he insisted on drawing me. Thank you. Wyatt. Come on! I haven't seen someone handle the puck that bad since Pedro on the Real San Francisco. Jimmy and I had a talk about us committing to always being fully present when we're together. We talked about that, too. But the TV was on, so who knows what he heard. I gotta tinkle. Order me a beer. Low carb. "Tinkle" my foot. He's sneaking to the bar to watch the game. I'm just so glad the only sport Jimmy's interested in is scoring with me! And scene. My God, this is actually working. I can't believe this. Me, neither. I totally lied. I'm not really an actress. What? And scene within a scene. Got you again. That's how good I am. Hey, that's the guy from your improv group. Yeah. That's why I chose this place. A lot of us work here. They're all going to help make you look good. What? No, I don't think we Big deal. I was checking out the game. Not like I was checking out the waitress much. I'm just kidding. She has fat ankles. The gentleman pre-requested a serenade for the lovely lady. How did you know "Greensleeves" was my favorite classical selection? Did you call my mom and ask about my various likes and dislikes? That would explain it. Do you mind if we dance with your dates? Yeah, we kind of mind. You guys think you can just come here and dance with our girls? Unless you can dance better. Ha-ha! Ay! Arriba! It was scary, amazing, wonderful. I can't believe it worked. Thanks, Maw Maw. I'm telling you, honey, trust in the warm lie-cocoon, and soon enough, love's gonna come knocking on the door. Hello? Or just come walking in like it lives here. Hey, what's up? I just wanted to bring over the picture the waiter took of all of us last night. Thought you and Mary-Louise might want it more than I do. Yeah, thanks. So how about you and Wyatt? Did you guys find an apartment? There is no me and Wyatt. We broke up last night. Choking on my pork-flavored Bro-gurt, which is yogurt that comes in man flavors like Not the time, Burt. You were saying? Yeah, there was something about seeing how happy you and Mary-Louise made each other just made me realize I deserved to feel that way with somebody, too. So, I finally broke it off with Wyatt. That's that's wild. Yep. Now, here I am, single on Valentine's Day. Too bad you've got a girlfriend now, That's But I'm just gonna go home and change my relationship status to "single" and spend the next 12 hours responding to "What happened" comments from all of my friends. How ya like me now, "Too bad you have a girlfriend. " That was definitely flirting. - I can't have her like this! It's wrong and I'll feel terrible. But I can't tell her what I did. She'll think I'm some kind of weird, conniving creep. I'm screwed! Get over here. Are you gonna slap me? What? No. I was just want gonna say - Yes, I'm slapping you! Pull yourself together! This is working out exactly how we planned it. All right, now you gotta call her and invite her out for Valentine's Day. But don't wait too long. Who knows how many other losers have been waiting around to ask her out. Another big decision to make. Keep lying and get the girl of my dreams, tell him the truth and maybe loosing her forever. Hey, it turns out my girlfriend has to work tonight. You want to hang out? It's a shame your girlfriend was busy on Valentine's Day. What can you do? Hello, everybody, and welcome to Room For Improv'ment. That's your girlfriend. This is where she works? My name is Mary-Louise, and these are the Room For Improv'ment Players. Those are the people from the restaurant. What's going on? Hold on. Just keep watching. We're gonna start with a short play written just a few hours ago by a really sweet guy I met last week. And it starts like this: Whoa. You have a baby in that cart. And I work at a grocery store and doodle on fruit. Looks like we both have some interesting and appealing quirks. That's called a meet-cute. Burt, I worry about our son falling head over heels for a girl with a boyfriend. I was young once. I know how he feels. Tell us how he feels in song. So many nights I'd sit by my window Waiting for someone To sing me his song Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Hey, you! She's passed out! Leave her alone! Even though you're not my girlfriend, I'm going to carry you home and keep you safe. Because you you You light up my life You give me hope To carry on You light up my days And fill my nights With song Yeah, Sabrina, he and his new girlfriend are making tons of whoopie. Shut up! I'm trying to step up your game a notch. Well, I'll cover Jimmy's shift so you can have a double date. No! I don't get why you need a fake girlfriend when you're hot enough to have lots of real girlfriends. Well, I'm flattered that a beautiful girl like you really did actually say that in real life because that's really what happened. But there is only one girl I want. I'm Wyatt. And I'd rather watch men on ice playing with sticks than pay attention to my girlfriend. Call her and tell her your fake girlfriend has to work. It'll be a Valentine's Day miracle. And stop acting like tricking her is wrong, or I'll slap you again because that's how I parent. Sabrina, hello. My girlfriend is busy. You want to go out tonight? And here we are. I wrote this play because I couldn't think of a decent way to show all the history that led up to this lie. And I hope more than anything that you will-- in the spirit of Valentine's Day-- please forgive me. I love you. And I've loved you since the day I met you, and I hope that you love me, too. What do you say? Sabrina! I hate kissing in public. You give me hope to carry on And fill my nights With song! It can't be wrong When it feels so right 'Cause you, you light up my life.