Little Orphan Garfield

1 - Get Bea to a nunnery! - What? No! - But it's over, Frederick. - No. Are you sure we've never met? My Prince Charming left a clue. - [SCREAMING] - Let me escort you to the asylum, Blanche. We're gonna take you far away to someplace you can relax. [UPBEAT STRING MUSIC] I'll see you in five years. Well, another family day concluded. Thank you, Garfield, for serving us. Though, it must have been easy for you since you have no family and nobody loves you. [PIANO MUSIC] I spent my whole life wondering who I am Do you ever miss me? Your special little man I look out the window hoping to see My Mommy and Daddy coming home to me I want to find my parents And the place where I fit in 'Cause I'm always homesick for somewhere I've never been I know you're still out there I'll always believe But Mommy and Daddy, why did you leave? Did you ever want to meet me? Did you ever want to save me? Don't you miss your Garfield? Don't you miss your baby? No matter why you left No matter what you've been through Please just know I'm safe And that I forgive you I don't know where you are Or if you tried to find me All I have is hope and this locket to remind me I want my whole family together as one 'Cause I'm just a boy Who always wanted to be A son I want the money I want the fame I want the whole world to know my name This is mine I gotta get it I got to get it Got-got to get it Another period Try every day I don't play Can you direct me to the outdoor seating area? I'd like to enjoy my gray slop al fresco. Not exactly the chicken kiev at Delmonico's, but it will do. You have you have to wipe your face. There's food coming out of your mouth. Hey, fancy girl. You are sitting at our euchre table. Ladies, I had no idea. My apologies. - And my name's Lillian. - Mm. Hey! Yeah, you can't sit here. No, no, no. I think someone's gonna have to teach you a lesson. No thank you. There's a reason why I had my family pay a poor person to go to school in my place. Ah! Oh! Ah, ah. - Ahh! - Berfa! Back off. The short bitch is with me. - Blanche. - [INDISTINCT CHATTER] ALL: Mama Blanche. Sorry, Mama Blanche. We we didn't know. - Oh, you didn't know. - Mm-mm. Scram! Oh, thank God you're here. I'll need you to launder and starch this dress immediately. Ahh! Ah, uh [COUGHING] Let's get one thing straight. I was your servant on the outside, but in here you're mine. - Got it? - Yes. [SCREAMS] Rape! You wish. [WHIMPERS] Kush wild, go hard Click, clack go hard - Beatrice. - Frederick. It's funny seeing you here. I used to have to drag you to servant ball when we were together. Well, I was always better at it than you. [CLEARS THROAT] Ahh! - Ah! - So how have you been? Because I've been really great. - Good, even. - Oh, I, too, as well. In fact, I'm probably the most good I've ever been. - Hm. - In fact, I met someone special at the ball. Beatrice! I'm shocked at the insensitivity of your language. We do not say someone special. We say mongoloid. No, I mean I met a man. I don't know his name or what he looks like, but we are very much in love. That's odd because I met a woman at the ball and too am very much in love and too do not know her name. - Stop aping me, Frederick. - I'm not aping you! I did meet someone! Ah. The question is, if you're so in love with him, why don't you know his name? Well, if you're so in love with her, why don't you know her name? I don't see the connection. [GRUNTS] You know what? You can servant bowl by yourself today. I'm, gonna go find my beloved and he's gonna make me happier than you ever did. - Fine! - Good! BOTH: Bye! Bye! Good. Fine! Blame it on the alcohol Girl, I'ma have it all Here's how this place works: the guards, they're out to get us. You get caught in here, you get dragged back - to the treatment room. - Ah. And you wind up like that. As for the patients, there's two basic types. There's the crazies and the non-crazies. That's Mildred. She killed her whole family. Trudy, she said no to her husband once. There's Lois, she thinks she's Mary Magdalene. And then we got Connie. She's Asian. The asylum's a scary place, Lillian. And to survive here, you need a friend. You wanna be my friend, Lillian? I'm not gonna lick your [bleep], Blanche, if that's what you're asking. No. When they give you your daily meds, don't swallow 'em. - Should I snort them? - No. I need you to lip 'em. Stick 'em in your lips, capiche? I'm sorry, Blanche, but I don't speak guinea. - Capiche? - Capiche. Good. And when you get a second, I need you to lick my [bleep]. Fine. [HIP-HOP MUSIC] Hortense, I need help and I don't know who to talk to now that Lillian's in the cuckoo's nest. Don't have sympathy for her, - she is now amongst her equals. - I don't. I have symphony for me. Now that she's gone, I have no one to talk to. Zero people in the whole world. That is incorrect. You are talking to me right now. I don't have time for riddles, Hortense. I need help finding my beloved, and the only clue I have is this ring. Let me see that. Hortense, you have those glass eyes. Maybe you can write him a really smart letter for me. [SIGHS] [CHUCKLES] And how would you get a letter to a man you don't know? Message in a bottle. Letters on land don't work that way. Stop shitting on my dreams, Hortense. Just because you're always going to be alone doesn't mean I have to be. The ring belongs On second thought, of course I will help you write that letter. I am your sister, after all. Please don't spread that around. How shall we begin? - Dear - Mm-hmm. - My - Mm-mm, mm-mm. Damn, son Where'd you find this? Nova [DRAMATIC MUSIC] [SIGHS] The time has come. I'm going to march right down to that orphanage and I'm gonna talk to Mrs. Sn Huh. Sn [INHALES] Mrs. Snagsby. [TENSE STRING MUSIC] Garfield? Is that you? The boy becomes a man. Come here and hug these old bones. - Oh, yes! - [MUFFLED SCREAM] - Mm. - Now, tell me, to what do I owe this visit? Hello, Mrs. Snagsby, I was just wondering if you had any information about my parents. Don't you remember the rhyme that I used to tell you orphans? Do you remember? - Parents hate us. Yes. - Parents hate you. Yes! Good boy. I never understood why you called that a rhyme. All you need to know is that they left you on a curb. Um, please, Mrs. Snagsby, please, just help me with anything. - I'll do anything! - Anything? - Yes. - Anything, is that right? Come here. Come to Mrs. Snagsby. Do you remember basement bubbles? Please! Please, don't make me do basement bubbles. - Please, Mrs. Snags - You want the information, and I want the bubbles! - Oh. - What are you gonna do, Garfield? Got to do what the missus says If you don't, you'll regret it Get down in the basement Or you're really gonna get it If you don't scrub that cellar You'll go hungry all day If you don't give her bubbles She might send you on your way, oh Basement bubbles, keep away your troubles Going downstairs when the missus needs washing Basement bubbles, all your troubles will be doubled It's slippery down there, so use precautions Scrub real deep and you're doing fine Wipe it up till you make it shine BOTH: Dust so thick, ain't been touched in years But do your best to hide your tears Oh, basement bubbles, keep away your troubles Mop it up clean as it can get Basement bubbles, making all the puddles Don't stop till it all gets wet Do it quick, don't you dare be pokey Lather it till it's white and soapy BOTH: Make it froth and lather and foam Or find yourself a brand-new home Basement bubbles Basement bubbles BOTH: Basement bubbles Well? I've done what you asked. Now, please, tell me who my parents are. Oh, Garfield, I'm so sorry. When you moved out, we burned all your records. But thank you for my bubbles. Oh! I'll never forget. [GASPS] If I become something great - Who said that? - What is this? Candy. No! It's a message in a bottle. Frederick, it must be for you. How do you know? That note could be for anyone. - "Dear My Beloved" - Oh, it is for me. "Since meeting you at the ball, I do not know who you are at all. " - [GASPS] - "If you want to talk to me, leave me a note by the oak tree. " Oh! I know that tree. What should I do? Should I throw a bottle in the other direction? - Or send a homing pigeon? - I think you should write back. Yes. Perfect. Now make haste! I must find my beloved before Beatrice finds hers. [CRUNCHING] Ahh! Ohh, that's not candy! That's not candy! [WHIMPERS] Ow! Now I understand why Lillian and Beatrice are so needlessly cruel. It feels wonderful! [WHIMPERING] Garfield. What is the meaning of this? I have told you a thousand times, under no circumstances including the death of a loved one is a man allowed to cry. Mr. Peepers. Mrs. Snagsby I went to see her. What? I've told you never to go there. She made me do things. She made me do - basement bubbles. - [GASPS] Basement bub basement bub basement bubbles? [GASPS] That monster. That cruel, evil creature. Why would you return to that place? Because I wanted to find my family. I wanted to know why they gave me up. But but now I'll never know. Never! Oh, Garfield. I know who your parents are. [GASPS] But you how? I do a background check on all the new hires. Please, Mr. Peepers. Please, Mr. Peepers. Please help me find my family. Please, oh, please! Please, oh, please! Oh, all right. I'll take you, boy. But for the record, it's never a good idea to meet one's parents. Aha! There's your parents' house. [STAMMERING] Before we do this, I just want to tell you that my search for my birth parents does in no way change how much I love you. I do not care for that word and do not reciprocate your feelings. I've always thought of you as as a father! [SIGHS] And I have rarely thought of you at all, Garfield. Good-bye, Garfield. This won't end well. Good-bye, Mr. Peepers. Good-bye! May I help you? [TENSE MUSIC] All right, bitch. Give me the pills. [GRUNTS] Ew. What the hell? Well, you said to lip them. - [SIGHS] - Ohh, wrong lips. The important thing is to get the pills. It does seem like a good place to store things, though. Your vagina. I've always been fashion forward. Uhh! No! [STRUGGLING] [SCREAMS] Okay, this is it, Lillian. Give it to her. Give it to her! - Yah! - Whoa, hey, what the hell? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? What uh - I'm confused. - Give her the pills. Oh. Ah! Ew. Uh! Ha, ha! Whoo! Wow! Thank you, Blanche. And Lillian, I am so sorry about earlier. I'm confused. What's going on here? I've been regulating the medication of the patients. Helping the most vulnerable women get the medicine they need. Why, what did you think we were doing? Starting a drug ring, which would spread to other asylums and from there, trickle down to the nation's poorest neighborhoods, which we would control through ruthless violence. No, it was to help people. [LAUGHS] Well, that's the stupidest [bleep] thing I've ever heard. Well, I thought we were moving product here, Blanche. We could be making so much money. - What would we do with money? - [SCOFFS] What would we do with money? A lot of things! If we had money, we could get better food, a new tether ball. Shit, I love tether ball. Maybe some ottomans and chaise lounges. Shit, I love a chaise. Joanna, we could finally get you a proper noose to hang yourself. But if they catch us, they'll fry us. They'll put us all in the treatment room. The treatment room is a myth for all we know. But money is real. I was rich on the outside. - Blanche was my servant. - [ALL GASP] She's crazy, she's crazy. Sometimes I would have her make me chipped beef, just so I could dump it on her head. - No. - Let's find out how many pills each of you can hold. Blanche, get a tape measure and stool. We've got some drugs to lip. Once again, I'm in charge and Blanche is my servant. Well, we are both incarcerated in a mental institution, but the power dynamic's shifted. [STRING MUSIC] Um, did you ever think of me? - No. - Mm-mm. Mm-mm, no. Well, did you ever wonder where I was? Oh, we knew where you were. At the orphanage. Where we left you. - Fond memory. - Mm-hmm. - That was a good day. - Mm-hmm. [CHILDREN LAUGHING] Ah, our beautiful beloved blonde children. - Ohh! - Have a seat. [BOTH LAUGHING] Oh, you you had more children. Oh, yes. We've always wanted a happy and full home. As a matter of fact, we have another little one on the way. I don't understand why, then, you gave me up for adoption. Could you not afford a child? No, no, I've always been very affluent. We could afford 50 children. Ah! [LAUGHS] Well, then, why? Is it because of my hair? Oh, Garfield, no. It wasn't your hair. We just didn't love you. Yes, you were unlovable. But I'm most loveable boy you ever met. I'm very loveable. And I love to help around the house. And I love to clean, and and do gardening and and scrub! And dust! I'll show you, I'll dust right now! - Yes, look. Look at me go. - Oh, no. Oh, Garfield, no, no, no, no. - Stop. - Sweetheart, just let him. All right, boy. Well, have at it. We're gonna enjoy some supper. - Come with me. - Yes. Okay, Mommy. Don't call her that. - Sorry, Daddy. - No. - Mm-mm. - That neither. - No. - Come, come. Come, children. I have a brother and sister. No, you don't! New shoes, new whip, new bag Every time you see her she bad Yep, she bad Head big, get money, new purse Yeah, that girl go to work That girl go to work, that girl go to work Girl go to work, that girl go to work That girl go to work, that girl go to work Girl go to work, that girl go to work Early in the morning Know I'm in my zone and Be telling throw a hearse on it Hunger for it all that these wanna thirst for it Just imagine if I twerk for it Lord, I gotta work New shoes, new whip, new bag Every time you see her she bad Yep, she bad Head big, get money, new purse Yeah, that girl go to work That girl go to I told Beatrice I would go to the tree and procure the letter from her lover. [LAUGHS] Ooh. [CRUNCHING] Sister! This candy tastes like bugs. My work. - A letter has arrived! - [GASPS] Oh. What does it say? - "Dear Person. " - Ohh. "Meet me on Wednesday at sunset by the big tree. " - Oh, that is so romantic. - Oh. Oh, Hortense, I feel like something good might finally happen for me. A lot of good things have happened for you. Oh, I mean other than the way I look and my personality and my money and my continual good fortune, obviously. Just think, you are going to meet the man who will help you get over our brother Frederick forever. Oh, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. I can't wait to watch you do it. If you were 10% prettier, I would hug you right now. - Ohh. - [LAUGHS] - Have another candy. - Mmm. [CRUNCHING] Mmm, still bugs. Hm. [TENSE MUSIC] [DRAMATIC MUSIC] - [GRUNTS] - [THUD] Basement bubbles, indeed. My family will love me if I make this a little bear. Yes, my father's a big bear and here's a little bear for the big bear. Garfield. - Garfield, stop. - No, my family loves me. Look at the bear, Peepers, look! No! They'll never love you! No matter what! Come, let's go home. I made a bear. It's a very nice bear. You have one reason to smile. You'll never have to worry about Mrs. Snagsby and her basement bubbles ever again. Well, that's good. If I had to clean that dirty basement one more time, I don't know what I'd do. Of course wait. Clean the basement? Is that what she had you doing? - It wasn't a euphemism? - No! We cleaned the dirty basement. It's very scary down there. There's spiders everywhere and I hate spiders. Just yuck. Why, what did you think we were doing? Hm? Oh, nothing. Uh, let's walk faster. - Okay. - Come on. Oh! [CHUCKLES] Oh, we're running now. Write back saying that I want to meet do you have all that? Perhaps a location and a time. A location and a time? Ohh! All right. Oh, this is hard. [LAUGHS] Ahh! [LAUGHS] Ahh!