The Way We War

(Setting: outside a home on the outskirts of Agrabah. A woman draws water from a well while her young son watches, and he insists on helping carry it back to the house.)

Mother: Mama's big boy is such a big help!

(The ground begins to shake. They look up to the top of a sand dune, where an army of Odiferansis approaching, bringing a catapult with them. They fire the catapult, which is filled with gooey brown cheese, at the well. The woman and child run out of the way, but the well and everything around it is hit with the cheese.)

Boy: What is it, Mama?

Odiferan general: It is war, tiny one! Go tell your puny sultan! War!

(The woman picks up her son and runs away. The Odiferans catapult another giant balls of cheese into the palace.)

(Setting: the palace. Aladdin, Abu, and Genie have just arrived in the throne room on Carpet. Jasmine is already there.)

Jasmine: Aladdin, what is happening to our city?

Aladdin: It's bad, Jasmine. Agrabah's under attack and I can't figure out why.

Iago: (popping his head out from under a cushion on the throne) Who cares? Let's just lay low in the palace until this war thing blows over!

Genie: (sniffing) Ooh, maybe that nasty smell will blow over, too! (holds his nose)

(Sultan enters, followed by Nefir the imp, who is wearing a tall hat.)

Nefir: Sadly, dear Sultan, Agrabah is in peril and will soon fall!

Aladdin: (grabbing the imp) Not a chance, Nefir!

Genie: Oh, so that's what stinks around here. Imps! Blech!

Nefir: Unhand me, mad youth!

Sultan: Aladdin! Nefir is my new war advisor.

Aladdin: Sultan, you can't trust him!

Sultan: It was Nefir who first warned me of the attack!

Aladdin: (angry) Ask the imp about the time he—

Jasmine: Aladdin, please. Hear my father out.

Aladdin: Jasmine, I… (sighs)

Sultan: Actually, Nefir, I do recall a rather curious account of your efforts in Getzistan.

Nefir: Oo oo oo, I almost forgot your gift!

(Takes a sheet off a model of the city.)

Abu: Ooh, wow!

Sultan: I say! A remarkable piece of work.

Nefir: All yours, completely complimentary… with a minimum purchase.

Jasmine: Purchase what?

Nefir: Observe. (flips a switch on the model and fans open up all around the model palace) Keeps out bad bombs, lets in friendly imps!

Sultan: Splendid! Perhaps a life size demonstration, Nefir?

(Nefir claps his hands, and his three imp sidekicks enter the throne room.)

Nefir: You heard the royal! Snap to!

(The imps fly outside and build a giant fan in front of the palace.)

Nefir: Incoming!

(A cheese bomb is hurtling towards the palace.)

Sultan: Oh, dear!

Nefir: Hit it!

(An imp pulls a lever, and the fan opens up, stopping the cheese from hitting everyone standing on the balcony and bouncing it back toward the Odiferans. It then closes again.)

Nefir: Should I put you down for the deluxe chief executive package?

Sultan: Yes yes yes yes! On every wall in Agrabah!

Aladdin: But Sultan, you can't trust him!

Sultan: His imps just demonstrated that they can protect Agrabah, dear boy!

Jasmine: What Aladdin meant was, um, do you guarantee your work?

Nefir: I stand behind all my weapons, Princess.

Aladdin: You oughta try standing in front of 'em!

Nefir: (to Sultan) Your highness, those bumbling barbarians from Odiferus won't know what hit them.

Aladdin: Odiferus? Hold on. Those barbarians are our friends.

Nefir: Friends?

Jasmine: And allies!

Sultan: They have no reason to wage war with us, Nefir.

Nefir: Reason? We're talking about barbarians. To them using a big word is a motive for murder.

(A cheese bomb flies into the throne room and splatters all over the throne.)

Nefir: See? If it weren't for all this talk we'd have the defense nets online by now.

Sultan: Yes! Not a moment to lose!

(The imps fly around Sultan and make him a new outfit, with lots of blue feathers and gold.)

Sultan: Oh, how regal!

Aladdin: I can't believe the Odiferans would attack!

Jasmine: I don't want to believe it either, but the evidence can't get much stronger.

Nefir: (reading a bill) "One uniform, assorted gold medals, epaulets made of silver…" (hands the bill to Sultan)

Iago: This war thing is not cheap!

Nefir: Sultan, when Agrabah's safety is at stake, prompt payment is in order.

Sultan: Oh, yes yes yes, of course, Nefir. Guards! Gold, at once!

(Two guards carry in a chest full of gold coins. Three coins fall out, and Abu grabs them and puts them under his hat.)

Nefir: (kicking the chest) Hmm, three coins short. (goes over to Abu)

Abu: Who, me?

(Abu lifts his hat, and Nefir takes the coins.)

Nefir: Until you need my services again, o wise and generous Sultan.

(The imps fly away, carrying the chest full of gold.)

Aladdin: Something tells me he'll be back.

(Setting: at the edge of town. The Odiferans have set up camp.)

Odiferan general: They what?

Odiferan soldier: They repelled our offensive, General Gouda.

General Gouda: I warned you about using big words, soldier!

Odiferan soldier: We, uh, bashed our own catapults, sir.

Uncouthma: So, war is over?

Gouda: Over? Prince Uncouthma, we cannot return to Odiferus until we smash these flimsy fiends!

Uncouthma: These folks are flimsy, General, but friendly, not fiendly!

Nefir: (entering the tent, followed by his imps) Friendly? Consider their despicable deed, Prince! Stealing the Most Sacred Crock of Cheese!

(General Gouda and the other Odiferan soldiers all take their hats off and chant in unison.)

Odiferans: Sacred cheese, wherever you be, in our heart muscles we still [unintelligible].

Gouda: We will bash onward until our Sacred Crock is surrendered!

(The other soldiers cheer and shout.)

Uncouthma: An Odiferan philosopher once said, "There has never been a good war or a bad cheese."

Gouda: But, this was a good war… until your puny imp weapons broke!

Nefir: How could we forsee their advanced technology? The answer is more advanced, more expensive weapons.

(Nefir snaps his fingers, and the other imps go outside and rebuild the catapult into a machine that fires huge diamond-tipped javelins. Nefir then hands Uncouthma the bill.)

Uncouthma: Mighty steep bill!

Nefir: (gasps) Dare you put a price on the Most Sacred Crock of Cheese?

Uncouthma: No, of course not! That would be, uh, wrong! (hands a chest of coins over to the imps)

Nefir: Until you need my services again, o wise and generous Prince! (leaves)

Gouda: Fire!

(A soldier fires the new weapon at the palace. The javelins fly right through the defensive fans and lodge in the palace, just beneath the throne room balcony.)

Sultan: Oh! The audacity!

Iago: Forget this defensive stuff, your highness! It's time to fight back. (punching the air) Whack their flank! Whack their rear! Just whack!

(Nefir flies into the throne room just before a javelin hurtles towards them, hitting Iago and pinning him to a wall.)

Sultan: That was close!

Nefir: I might suggest an offensive weapon or two.

Genie: (pulling the javelin out of the wall) Isn't this offensive enough?

Iago: Sultan, if I might suggest… GO FOR IT!

Aladdin: Sultan, shouldn't we find out why the Odiferans are attacking us?

Sultan: Yes, oh, good point, my boy. Find out.

Nefir: No no no no! Barbarians only understand action! Even then, the action must be very clear to avoid confusion.

Aladdin: But, Sultan, this could be a catastrophe!

Sultan: Precisely, Aladdin! Nefir, I want weapons. As many as your imps can make.

Aladdin: But, your highness, I meant—

Jasmine: I'm sorry, Aladdin, but I think you should go.

Aladdin: What?

Jasmine: My father has been the ruler of Agrabah since before we were born.

Aladdin: (angry) Well, if that's the way you feel, Princess. (starts to walk away) Thanks to Nefir my status just dropped back to streetrat!

Genie: Better a rat than an imp!

Aladdin: Easy, Genie. Take Carpet and Iago and guard the palace. Keep Jasmine safe. We'regoing to find Uncouthma.

(Back at the Odiferan camp.)

Gouda: Fire!

(The Odiferans fire their machine, throwing javelins at the city. At the same time, crossbows appear on all the city walls and shoot back. The javelins and arrows collide in midair, destroying each other. General Gouda smashes a wall in anger as Nefir approaches him.)

Gouda: Bigger weapons!

Nefir: One very barbaric special… payment in advance, of course.

(From a tower, Aladdin and Abu look toward the Odiferan camp. They can see a huge dust cloud caused by the imps building something.)

Abu: Huh?

(Suddenly, a giant metal ball comes rolling down the street, demolishing everything in its path. It crashes into the tower Aladdin is in, knocking it down. Aladdin and Abu jump to safety.)

Aladdin: Come on, Abu. Uncouthma can't be far.

(Nefir sees Aladdin running toward the Odiferan camp.)

Nefir: Aladdin! So, the streetrat plays the role of diplomat. Peace could put a big dent in my business. Unless… yes!

(Nefir returns to the Odiferan camp.)

Nefir: A spy is near the camp!

Gouda: I hate spies! (punches a hole in a wall)

Nefir: …named Aladdin.

Uncouthma: Friend Aladdin?

Nefir: This so-called "friend" of yours was once a notorious thief. According to my highly reliable sources it was a thief named Aladdin who stole your Most Sacred Crock.

Uncouthma: Not Friend Aladdin!

Nefir: Perhaps you're right. The Aladdin I'm referring to has a genie and a magic carpet.

Uncouthma: (gasps) Oh, Friend Aladdin, how could you?

Gouda: We must smash this spy, this cheese-stealer, this Aladdin!

Uncouthma: (picking up a mace) No, General Gouda. I will find him! I will bash him!

Nefir: (whispering to a crocodile-headed imp) Follow Uncouthma. I want to know every juicy detail of Aladdin's demise. I personally hate violence, but love entertaining accounts of it!

(Setting: the throne room.)

Sultan: Where is my war advisor? Agrabah must be defended! I'm prepared to pay any price!

Iago: Ooh! And it isn't even my birthday. (whispering to Genie) Wait for my cue, blue boy.

Genie: Huh?

Iago: Sultan, why rely on that imp when Agrabah has its very own genie! (to Genie) Look smart, soldier! Huah!

Genie: (turning himself and Carpet into soldiers) Ten hut! (salutes) We're in the army now, rug man.

Sultan: A very generous offer, Iago.

Iago: Uh, your majesty, did I mention the small gratuity? For overhead.

Genie: (putting a helmet on Iago) Yo! General nuisance! We're freedom fighters! We fight for free!

Iago: Yeah, sure sure sure. But we have to cover our expenses!

Sultan: Perhaps you could have some of the gold if I paid Nefir less.

Nefir: Ahem! (entering the throne room)

Sultan: Nefir? There you are!

Nefir: Am I to understand that Aladdin's merry band is about to enlist in Agrabah's army?

Iago: I'm a soldier of fortune. In this case, your fortune. Get lost!

Nefir: (gasps) You mean you wouldn't volunteer to defend your mother country?

Genie: He wouldn't volunteer to defend his mother!

Iago: Heh heh! Ahem! I'd love to volunteer, but—

Sultan: Wonderful, Iago! Go forth and battle the barbarian menace!

Nefir: …while we get down to business.

(Setting: the streets of Agrabah, a little while later. Genie, Iago, and Carpet are in a foxhole, while cheese bombs land all around them.)

Iago: I can't believe I'm risking my tailfeathers… for free!

Genie: They're getting closer, boys. You know, fellas, we've been through a lot together in the last, oh, ten or twelve minutes. It kinda makes a guy think.

Iago: That would be a first!

Genie: Go ahead! Joke, Sarge! The men all need a good laugh.

Iago: What men? There's two of you and one's a rug!

Gouda: Prepare to launch the mole missile!

(The Odiferans roll out a new machine.)

Gouda: Hit it!

(They fire the weapon, which sends a missile burrowing underground toward Genie's foxhole.)

Genie: (was playing the harmonica, then suddenly stops) Shh! Hear that?

Iago: (seeing the missile approaching them) Fire in the hole!

(They all jump out of the hole. The missile goes right through it, toward a house where two children stand in the doorway. Carpet flies the kids to safety, while Genie jumps in front of the missile to stop it. It explodes just as it reaches the house.)

Genie: Somebody could really get hurt here. (coughs) Whoa, we'd better find Al.

(Aladdin and Abu have just reached the Odiferan camp.)

Abu: Oh, Aladdin…

Aladdin: Easy, Abu. Uncouthma's around here somewhere.

(Uncouthma, standing behind Aladdin, barely misses Aladdin's head with his mace.)

Uncouthma: Search no more, fragile filcher!

Aladdin: Uncouthma! You had us worried for a—

Uncouthma: Shush, false friend and cheese-stealer! The bashing begins now!

Abu: Uh oh…

Aladdin: Him, too!

(Uncouthma tries to hit Aladdin again, but he rolls out of the way. Aladdin jumps over a wall to get away, and Uncouthma starts knocking it down with his mace to get to him.)

Aladdin: You go ahead, Abu.

Abu: Huh?

(The wall is now destroyed, and Uncouthma approaches Aladdin as Abu runs and hides.)

Aladdin: I won't run from you, Uncouthma! But I won't fight you, either.

(Uncouthma smashes the wall on either side of Aladdin, who doesn't move, then raises the mace up over his head.)

Aladdin: No matter what happens, you're still my friend.

Uncouthma: (lowering the mace) I cannot smash you, former friend Aladdin.

(Aladdin and Abu breathe a sigh of relief.)

Uncouthma: I have failed Odiferus. I could not crush my enemy. No matter what Nefir said, I could not do it!

Aladdin: Nefir? The imp?

Uncouthma: Eh, little guy, bird face. His imps build our weapons.

Aladdin: He sold weapons to Agrabah, too… after he told us you were invading.

Uncouthma: Nefir knows many things. It was he who told us it was you who stole our most sacred crock of cheese.

(The crocodile-headed imp, who has been watching all of this, flies off and tells Nefir.)

Nefir: Hmm, do tell… No matter. Change of plans.

(Elsewhere in the city, General Gouda is examining a map of Agrabah.)

Gouda: Oh, yes. Oh, there's much to be bashed in this city.

Nefir: General Gouda, it is with great sadness that I must report the enemy has captured Prince Uncouthma!

Gouda: We will grind the sultan and his frail people into yak butter! Make more weapons, Nefir. Make 'em big! Make 'em powerful! Make 'em—

Nefir: Ludicrously overpriced!

(A short while later, General Gouda is driving a huge yak-drawn cart carrying what look like giant tops with blades attached to them. The imps wave goodbye to him.)

Gouda: Onward to Agrabah palace!

Nefir: Looks like the end of Agrabah! But, I still have time for one more sale to the sultan.

(Uncouthma and Aladdin are on the street in front of Gouda.)

Gouda: Launch battle top!

(Another Odiferan pulls a chain, causing one of the tops to spin off of the cart towards Aladdin and Uncouthma. They run away from the top as it goes into the Marketplace. A melon merchant sees the top coming and ducks down, but it slices all the melons.)

Aladdin: Down here!

(Aladdin and Uncouthma run into an alley too narrow for the top. It bounces off the corner and heads in a different direction.)

Aladdin: We have to stop this!

Uncouthma: Once Gouda starts bashing he can go on for days.

(We can see several more battle tops have been released into the Marketplace. Uncouthma hits one with his mace, stopping it for a second before he is spun into a wall. The top then winds down.)

(Genie arrives with Carpet and Iago, still dressed as a soldier and blowing a bugle.)

Genie: Charge!

Aladdin: Genie! Iago! Look out!

(A top is headed after Iago.)

Genie: I'll hurl myself at a live one for ya, Sarge!

(Genie pushes down on the top and drills it down into the ground, but gets his head twisted around in the process.)

(Another top is headed for Abu. Aladdin, from the top of a bridge, lassos it with a rope and pulls it back. He pulls it off the ground, then jumps off the other side of the bridge. The top swings back towards Aladdin and almost hits him, but Carpet catches him and carries him away. Uncouthma catches the top and smashes it.)

Uncouthma: Friend Aladdin! You nearly gave me a heart muscle attack!

Aladdin: Thanks, Uncouthma. It almost got me!

Genie: (his head literally spinning) Private Genie, sir, requesting a little time to unwind!

(Iago lands on his head, and it stops spinning.)

Genie: Thanks!

Aladdin: Nefir is behind this whole war! We have to get word to the sultan!

(Everyone looks at Iago.)

Iago: Oh, no!

Aladdin: Fly to Jasmine. She can convince her father.

Iago: Why is it always me? Somebody needs to teach the rug to talk. (flies away)

(Setting: the palace. Sultan is looking down from a balcony.)

Sultan: Will nothing stop these Odiferans?

Nefir: Now, may I suggest a weapon so powerful, so destructive, so costly…

Sultan: So be it!

Nefir: The really expensive one, right?

Sultan: Yes, I'll teach those barbarians!

Nefir: My industrious imps have already begun… which means some sort of down payment will be in order?

Sultan: Guards! All of the gold, now!

(Jasmine and Rajah are watching from behind a curtain.)

Jasmine: I've never seen my father like this before, Rajah. Protecting the city is one thing, but this!

(Iago is thrown into the room and hits a wall.)

Iago: (dizzy) Message for the princess. Anybody seen her?

(Setting: the palace garden. Sultan and Nefir are entering a tower.)

Nefir: After you, your highness.

Sultan: Very impressive, Nefir… Uh, what is it?

Nefir: Oh, just a little something I improvised for absolute annihilation.

(Two imps outside start turning a wheel, and the tower lifts up into the air.)

Sultan: My, we're very high up!

Nefir: So you can see your enemy's every move! Now let's do some damage.

(Nefir pulls a lever and the top of the tower opens up. Inside is what looks like a lightning rod which crackles with electricity.)

Sultan: Sounds dangerous, Nefir.

Nefir: Only if you're out there.

(A bolt of electricity shoots out of the top of the tower and blows up a nearby minaret.)

Nefir: And it's hardly warmed up! Perhaps a warning shot, just to let them know you mean business?

Sultan: Well, fair warning would be the proper thing, yes.

(Jasmine and Iago go up to Nefir's imps, who are at the base of the tower taking a coffee break.)

Jasmine: Lower the tower at once!

(The imps laugh at her.)

Iago: Your imp-eating kitty would love these guys.

Jasmine: Oh, Rajah!

(Rajah chases the imps away.)

(Jasmine tries to turn the wheel to lower the tower, but it won't budge.)

Iago: Look at this! (raises a lever) Easy! (it falls back down and hits him on the head)

(The tower starts to close, but Nefir realizes what's happening and reopens it, then shoots a bolt of electricity at Aladdin's group. A second later, there is a smoking crater where Aladdin and Uncouthma were standing.)

Genie: People and your stupid war! You've pushed me too far! You don't want to see what happens when you push a genie too far! (grows until he towers over the entire city) I call a cease fire! NOW!

Gouda: (frightened) Halt!

Sultan: Oh my! Yes!

(General Gouda and Jasmine run over to the crater.)

Gouda: Prince Uncouthma?

Jasmine: Aladdin!

(Uncouthma climbs out of the crater, carrying a motionless Aladdin.)

Jasmine: Oh, Aladdin, you were right about Nefir.

Aladdin: (regaining consciousness) Yeah, I was, wasn't I?

Uncouthma: Friend Aladdin, you live! (hugs Aladdin) Ooh, my face nearly weeps!

Genie: (hugging both men) Nefir didn't blast you guys to Adam!

Aladdin: Nope. But I'd still like a word with the little imp.

(Setting: the throne room a short while later. Aladdin and all his friends, the sultan, and the Odiferans are all there. General Gouda is holding Nefir by his wings.)

Nefir: I'm just a simple entrepreneur!

Iago: Teach 'im a lesson, Gouda, baby!

Jasmine: Iago!

Sultan: Savagery is not the way!

Gouda: (sadly) No, tiny king is right. War stinks.

Genie: And that's not all that stinks. (sniffs Nefir) Ooh, you need a good scrub, bub! Even for an imp, you're ripe!

Aladdin: (sniffing) Smells like… cheese!

(Aladdin removes Nefir's tall hat. The Most Sacred Crock of Cheese is hidden underneath.)

Nefir: Heh heh heh, came with the hat?

Uncouthma: The Most Sacred Crock of Cheese! Oh, my heart muscle soars!

Nefir: A happy ending! Well, it looks like my work here is finished! Because, uh, peace is my business!

Gouda: You will fix Agrabah, now!

Sultan: And refund your ill-gotten gold!

Nefir: Refunds?! It's unthinkable! (everyone glares at him) But not unheard of!

THE END