Quietest Day Ever

(Scene begins at the Flynn Fletcher household. Phineas is then heard) Phineas: (from inside) It's coming!

(Cuts to the hallway. Ferb, Phineas, Isabella and Baljeet run pass, screaming)

Isabella: AAAAHHHHH!!! We're doomed!

Baljeet: The prophecy has come true!

(He then trips on a lamp cord)

Phineas: We are about to pay for our over-consumption!

(Buford appears dressed as a robot)

Buford: You created me, Garbage-zilla! And now, puny humans, Prepare to be trashed! (trips and makes a loud noise) Whoa, whoa!

Candace: Knock it off!

Linda: Candace, I don't know what you kids are doing, but I'm taking an online knitting test in a few minutes, and I need it to be quiet around here. (sarcastic tone) You might not remember quiet. I'm not sure you two ever met. Anyway I'm putting you on noise patrol. You're in charge.

Candace: I'm in charge? Woo-hoo! Yeah!

Linda: Use a muffler. (leaves)

Candace: (She grabs and puts a cushion over her face.) Oh, yeah. Woo-ho!

(Cuts to the backyard) Buford: This time I want an air siren, and tap shoes.

Candace: Phineas, Ferb, Mom put me on noise patrol while she's taking an online test. She needs it to be... (loudly) ABSOLUTELY QUIET!

Linda: (from upstairs) Candace, I'm trying to concentrate! (going back to her computer) Now let's see: "What's the first ingredient in knitting a garment?" Oh, I know that, it's love. (types it down, only to get the wrong answer) What do you mean, "wool"? (Cut back outside) Candace: You heard her, right? No noise. I want you silent, and invisible. Got it? (leaves)

Buford: Silent and invisible!? What am I? A ninja?

Phineas: That's it! Gang, I know what we're gonna do today! (pause) Speaking of silent and invisible, where's Perry?

(Scene changes to Perry's lair)

Major Monogram: Agent P, we have a crisis. The Agency was going through Dr. Doofenshmirtz's trash this week when we found this. (shows a magazine with doodled on cover) Defaced magazine cover. Shameful! There were hundreds of similar defaced photos of good looking men, (shows a magazine of him on the cover with a devil face drawn onto it) including this handsome devil gracing the cover of Covert Lifestyles. My interest in this incident is purely professional, but put a stop to it!

Dooby dooby do-wa $x2$

Perry!

Major Monogram: (sobbing) Wh-hy? WH-H-H-HY?

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

(Perry flies into the lair but gets caught in a mechanical apple)

Doofenshmirtz: Hold on, Perry the Platypus, I'm just getting the mail. Oh, goody! It's my order from the Power Tool and Skeleton Key Warehouse. I was wondering when this was gonna -- OH! Look! At! This! Every week, the mailman makes the same mistake and I end up getting my neighbor's HS Weekly. Here, hold this, Perry the Platypus, I need to rant. (puts mail in front of Perry) I hate all these good-looking models on the cover of Handsome and Symmetrical Magazine, mocking me with their manly perfection. Their perfect hair, their perfect skin, I hate it! And this, is why I created...the De-Handsome-inator! Soon, all these good looking faces will be hideous! (Perry, free, punches him) Ow! Wait, did you use the skeleton key or was it the power tools?

(Perry starts taking wires out of the De-Handsome-inator)

Doofenshmirtz: Just for that, I'm not gonna tell you why the apple --

(Doof unwittingly slams the De-Handsome-nator's switch, setting it to "Not". The inator zaps him, making his face look like a handsome hunk)

Doofenshmirtz: Ugh, you know, I don't have the energy for this. It's still early, do you wanna go grab some lunch? Come on. I skipped breakfast this morning. (he and Perry walk out) You like eggs?

(Back to the backyard, the kids are wearing ninja outfits.)

Phineas: Okay, gang, Ferb and I made these ninja outfits using smart garment technology. Once they're switched on, the outfits are designed to hide the wearer from anyone who's not wearing the suit.

(Candace walks out)

Candace: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I smell noise! Is that what the black pajamas are for? You gonna have a noise party?

Phineas: Actually, it's the opposite. We're ninjas. Ninjas are renowned for their quiet and concealment. We made an outfit for you, too. (points to a ninja outfit for Candace)

Buford: You should put it on. Take it from me. Black is slimming.

Candace: No, thanks.

Phineas: That's okay. We'll leave it here for you in case you change your mind. (at his friends) All right, ninjas! Let's turn on our outfits!

(Everyone presses a switch on their suits, they are suddenly behind Candace.)

Candace: Hey! Where'd everyone go? (She turns around several times, but the kids keep sneaking automatically out of her sight.) That's so weird. Huh. Oh, I'll find them. (goes inside)

Buford: That was cool! I didn't have to do anything! The outfit did all the work! Whoa Phineas, which way are you facing?

Phineas: Good question.

(Phineas turns his eyes to the other side of his head.)

Phineas: Left.

(Inside...)

Candace: Stupid, stealthy ninjas! (slams door)

(In Linda's room)

Linda: Candace, keep it down! (at herself) "What do you call a clever knitter?" (pause) I know! A knit wit! Heh! Is there anything better than knitting humor?

(Doofenshmirtz is walking down the street.)

Doofenshmirtz: I need to stop at the bank, I-I don't have any cash.

(people start to notice him)

Woman 1: Ah... (faints)

Man 1: (opens bank door for Doofenshmirtz) It's an honor, sir! A real honor! I can't wait to tell my wife!

Woman 2: Ooh, are you famous? You look like a model, are you an actor? You go first, I can wait!

Man 2: Please, I'm just getting some cash to pay medicine for my kids.

Doofenshmirtz: (at the bank teller) Yes, uh, hello. I just need to make a withdrawal from my account, please.

Bank teller: (gives him money bags) Here, take this. It's on us.

Doofenshmirtz: No, no. J-just enough for lunch.

(At the Bistro restaurant)

Waitress: Sparkling sider?

Water: Scrambled eggs? That's real lobster in there.

Photographer: Preserve the moment! (takes his picture)

Doofenshmirtz: Can you believe the service in this place, Perry the Platypus?

Photographer: Here you go! All framed. (gives him the picture takes

Doofenshmirtz: Hey, ah, thank you! Eh -- (sees his picture) Heh heh, see, this isn't me. This is just the superhumanly attractive male model that came with the frame. I mean, look at this guy, right? That's funny, he's wearing a lab coat just like me -- (Perry holds up a mirror) Uhhhh?! Oh, this is horrible! I can't be handsome! It's -- it's everything I despise! Don't you understand? Beautiful people, they -- they just get everything they want in the world. I mean, watch this. Hey, lady, nice baby.

Woman 3: You want him? He likes you better.

Doofenshmirtz: No, I don't want your baby. (at Perry) You see, Perry the Platypus, the unfair advantage good-looking people have? (becomes conceited) Heeeey?! (at a man) If I ran for Mayor, would you vote for me?

Man 3: Over and over again.

Man 4: No, elections are for ugly people. I'm sure they'd just give him the mayorship.

Doofenshmirtz: Ya think?

Policeman: Sure, you've already got a sizeable mob, and I bet we could pick up a couple thousand more on the way.

Doofenshmirtz: Well, okay, then! On to City Hall!

(the townsfolk cheer, Perry worries, then walks off)

(Back to the Flynn Fletcher household. Candace sits down with a bag of chips and begins to turn on the TV when the kids pop out.)

Candace: My busting sense is tingling...

(the kids disappear.)

Candace: There's something Phineas and Ferb going on here...

(the kids are posing in the hallway.)

Candace: Phineas?

(the kids hide)

Candace: Ferb? (opens the door to Phineas and Ferb's room) You in here? (closes door)

(the kids hide)

Candace: Phineas? Ferb! (opens another door)

(the kids appear, but the door closes and they hide)

Candace: Phineas! Phineas!

(the kids peek again)

Candace: I know you're here!

Linda: (opens the door to her room) And the whole Tri-State Area knows you're here, Candace! Again, could you please keep it down?! (closes door)

Phineas: (quietly, behind Candace) I tried to tell you before.

Candace: (turns around) Aha! (sees no one, constantly turns around) Uh...uh...

Phineas: You'll never be able to see us, unless you wear a ninja outfit yourself.

Candace: Oh, I'll wear a ninja outfit, all right! Then, I'll bust the whole lot of you. (walks off, Phineas is on her back)

(Doofenshmirtz is walking down the streets, looking smart and handsome himself)

(Song: "I'm Handsome")

Doofenshmirtz: My jaw is rugged

My hair is wavy

My eyes they twinkle and shine

I used to be mashed potatoes

Now I'm the gravy

Nobody else is quite this fine

I'm the face

I'm a real ace

Nobody's visual appeal is stronger

I'm the very definition of masculine grace

Take a picture, it'll last you longer

'Cause I'm handsome!

I'm so good lookin'

I'm easy on the eyes

Don't you know that I'm handsome? (handsome)

I got chiseled features

Try not to look surprised

When you see that I'm handsome!

I'm a real Adonis

I'm the best you ever saw

I'm handsome

I'm a tall drink of water

Somebody better grab a straw

'Cause I'm handsome! (handsome)

Man 5: My company wants to give you a life time supply of our distinctive hand mirrors.

Doofenshmirtz: ''Send them over. ''(he's handsome)

Don't you know that I'm handsome? (handsome)

Woman 4: I'm gonna name all my children after you even though they're already in college.

Doofenshmirtz: Nice! (he's handsome)

Can't you see that I'm handsome? (handsome/he's handsome)

Get in line ladies! (he's handsome)

'Cause I'm handsome! (handsome/he's handsome)

I'm a total catch, really (he's handsome)

I'm quite fetching (fetching/handsome)

''It's a word, it is! ''(he's handsome)

It means that I'm handsome!

(At City Hall...)

Roger: Well, well, well Heinz. At the age of 47, you've finally grown into your looks!

Doofenshmirtz: Yes. Yes, I have.

Roger: In fact, it would be our pleasure to suspend democracy and make you our Supreme Leader.

(crowd cheers)

Roger: Do you have any questions, yo-o-o-ou handsome devil?

Doofenshmirtz: Hmm, how is my hair?

(crowd laughs)

Woman 5: He's handsome and funny!

(Perry goes to D.E.I. and pushes the De-Handsome-inator to the balcony, setting it to "Ugly". He tries to aim it, but a hot air balloon in the shape of Doofenshmirtz's head blocks the way. Several other hot air balloons float up, in one of them is a couple)

Woman 6: This'll be the perfect place to watch the coronation!

Man 6: I can't believe how fast they mass-produced these commemorative hot air balloons.

(Perry is worried, the doorbell rings)

Delivery man: Hand mirror delivery!

(Back to the backyard, Candace is putting on her ninja outfit.)

Candace: (singsong) Phineas? Come out, come out, wherever you are!

(Candace puts her ninja mask on, the kids come out of hiding.)

Candace: Okay, you guys are so busted, and I have the evidence right here on my body. (runs off) Woo hoo! Mom! Mom!

Buford: I knew she'd come back for the slimming.

(in Linda's room)

Candace: Okay, I know you're super busy and all, but you have just got to see what Phineas and Ferb made. I'm wearing it.

Linda: Candace, this test is time sensitive!

Candace: Just one second!

Linda: Oh, all right. (turns around, Candace is gone) What? Where'd you go?

Candace: I'm right here, on the ceiling.

Linda: (looks up, Candace disappears) What?

Candace: I'm right here, under the rug!

Linda: (looks down, Candace disappears again) Young lady...

Candace: Heh, now, I'm on the shelf.

Linda: I don't know how you're throwing your voice and I understand that you want attention, but I'm really, really busy.

Candace: It's the outfit! (takes mask off) It won't let you see me.

Linda: But, it apparently has no qualms about letting me hear you.

Candace: (takes entire suit off) Mom, here it is! Mom! (closes eyes)

Linda: All right, Candace... (turns around, the suit bounces out of Candace's arms) What am I looking at?

Candace: (gasps)

(Cut back outside) Buford: These outfits were fun!

Isabella: I've never moved so fast!

Baljeet: Oh! That was quite a workout.

(Candace's suit peeks out from behind the tree.)

Phineas: Hey! It's Candace's ninja outfit! It's hiding! She must've left it switched on. (turns off the suit)

(Roger is ready to crown Doofenshmirtz.)

Roger: And now, I finally pronounce you...

(Perry chatters)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, Perry the Platypus, I'm so glad you're here to see this.

(Perry holds up a remote)

Doofenshmirtz: What's that? My inator remote? You're wasting your time. There's no way you'll get a clear line of fire from my place to here, what with all hose commemorative hot air balloons in the way. How do they mass-produce those so fast? (Perry presses the remote, the De-Handsome-inator fires the hand mirror attached to the back of one of the balloons, another off a mailbox, a third off a building, off a pack of cars, off another mirror carried by a pigeon, and through the crowd until it finally hits Doofenshmirtz, reverting him to his old, ugly self)

Roger: Ew.

(everyone groans)

Man 7: He suddenly looks so...unqualified.

Policeman: Please disperse, nothing handsome to see here.

Woman 7: Hey, let's go look at fashion magazines!

Woman 8: Yeah, that sounds great.

(everyone leaves)

(Back in the backyard, the kids have taken their suits off and they're folded.)

Phineas: ...And they fold down to almost nothing.

Candace: (from her window) Phineas, do not go anywhere. (walks into Linda's room) The ninja outfits, they're still there! Hurry! Wait till you see this. (drags Linda on her chair with her outside)

Phineas: ...By pressing the "on "button, the outfits put themselves away.

(all the kids press the "on" button on their suits, the suits put themselves away by flipping away from outer sight, just as Candace pushes Linda out.)

Candace: There! Bust them! (closes eyes)

Linda: Oh, hi kids. I wanna thank you for being so quiet all afternoon. (at Candace) Unlike...someone I know!

Candace: But...but but...

Phineas: Hey Mom, how your test go?

Linda: (flatly) Well, lucky for Candace, I just passed. (enthusiastic) Anyone for pie?

All but Ferb: (jump for joy) Me!

Linda: (in a stern tone) Mush, Candace.

(Candace pushes Linda away, sighing.)

(Back at Town Hall...)

Roger: So sorry. It looks like your small window of fleeting beauty is now gone. (leaves)

Doofenshmirtz: I don't understand! How -- how is is possible? Uh -- you did this, Perry the Platypus!

(He fires a ray but Perry blocks it with another hand mirror, causing the ray to go in the reverse order of the firing tree right back to the De-Handsome-inator, causing its switch to slide to "Not" as it explodes, releasing one final ray)

(In the backyard...)

Phineas: Coming, bro?

(the final ray is seen flashing by them)

Ferb: D'you ever notice in a certain light Buford looks...handsome?

(Both turn to Buford, who has a handsome face like Doofenshmirtz's from before)

Buford: It's a blessing, and a curse.