Brain's Song

The Brain: EMOTION, PINKY, THE BANE OF OUR EXISTENCE.

I THOUGHT I WAS THE BANE OF OUR EXISTENCE, BRAIN.

YES, YOU, TOO. NEVERTHELESS, IF YOU COULD DETACH FROM YOUR EMOTIONS AS I HAVE, PERHAPS YOU'D BECOME MORE ANALYTICAL AND LESS COMPELLED TO BUTTER YOUR FEET.

OR LICK THE MOP? ZORT!

OR LICK THE MOP, YES. HOLD STILL.

ECH! TIGHTER, BRAIN. MAKE MY WAIST TEENY-WEENY.

THIS TREATMENT WILL FORCE YOU TO USE YOUR HEAD AS IT WAS MEANT TO BE USED.

AS A SPATULA?

YES, PINKY, EXACTLY. PINKY, BARNEY IS NOT A REAL DINOSAUR.

[GASPS]

THAT SHOULD KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN. NOW, I'M GOING TO FLASH A SERIES OF IMAGES BEFORE YOU. BY TEACHING YOU TO SUPPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS, I SHALL RENDER YOU IMPERTURBABLE AND BRILLIANT!

OH, MAYBE I CAN FINALLY FIGURE OUT THAT PUZZLE YOU GAVE ME.

WHAT PUZZLE?

THE ROUND BLUE PUZZLE.

THAT'S A BALL. BLUE PUZZLE. REMEMBER, PINKY, NO MATTER HOW TRAGIC AND DEPRESSING THESE IMAGES APPEAR, YOU MUST NOT REACT.

Announcer: ON THAT FATEFUL DAY, THE MAN KNOWN AS EVEL KNIEVEL NEARLY KILLED HIMSELF JUMPING UP AND OVER A 4-FOOT DITCH.

Crowd: OH!

HMM, THIS IS EASIER THAN WORKING A ZIPPER, BRAIN.

GOOD, PINKY. I SHALL NOW INCREASE THE EMOTIONAL STIMULI.

"DEAR MICHAEL BABY, "I'LL ALWAYS MISS THE VINYL TOUCH OF YOUR SKIN, "SHOPPING AND GIGGLING "LIKE A COUPLE OF SCHOOLGIRLS. I LOVE YA, LISA."

OOH, OH, BRAIN, I HAD MY HOPES PINNED ON THIS ONE. WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY?!

YOU MUST BE STRONG, PINKY. DO NOT SUCCUMB.

Announcer: P&B BIOGRAPHY CONTINUES WITH THE LIFE AND TIMES OF CAT STEVENS.

OH, IT'S TOO DEPRESSING. NARF.

YOU MUST NOT GIVE IN.

CAN'T-HOLD-OUT-MUCH-LONGER. MUST-STOP-TALKING-LIKE-TELEVISION-INDIAN.

BATTEN YOUR HATCHES, FRIEND. I'M GOING FOR THE GUSTO.

PAPA? GOTTA WAKE UP NOW, PAPA. WE'VE GOTTA GO HOME NOW, PAPA. PAPA?

The Brain: KEEP FOCUSED, PINKY. BE A MAN LIKE ELEANOR ROOSEVELT.

PAPA? TIME TO GET UP, PAPA.

HEY, THIS IS MOVING.

PAPA! PAPA! PAPA!

PAPA. PAPA. PAPA. OH, MY.

GOO-AH-OOH-HOO, PAPA!

PINKY, LOOK, MY FACE IS LEAKING.

YOU'RE NOT LEAKING, BRAIN, YOU'RE-YOU'RE CRYING. TROZZ.

I AM NOT. [SOBBING]

AW, IT'S ALL RIGHT, BRAIN. NO ONE CAN RESIST A TERRIFICALLY MANIPULATIVE CONTRIVANCE WITH SWELLING MUSIC, EXCEPT MAYBE G. GORDON LIDDY.

YES. PINKY, THAT'S IT! ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING?

WELL, I THINK SO, BRAIN, BUT WE'RE ALREADY NAKED.

ONE MORE OF THOSE, AND I'M CALLING THE PIED PIPER OF HAMLIN.

YIPPEE! HA HA! WHY? HE HATES MICE.

MY PLAN, PINKY: WE SHALL PRODUCE THE SADDEST TEARJERKER EVER, BROADCAST THE MOVIE WORLDWIDE, AND LEAVE THE PLANET STEEPED IN SUCH DEPRESSION THEY'LL BE PUTTY IN OUR HANDS.

NARF!

NOW, FOLLOW.

WHERE TO, BRAIN?

TO A PLACE THAT NEVER SHUTS DOWN, WHERE THE SIZE OF YOUR WALLET MATTERS, AND ACTORS AND ACTRESSES SLAVE ALL DAY.

WE'RE GOING TO DENNY'S?

NO, PINKY. HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA! [SNIFFS] AHH. L.A. THE AIR'S SO THICK AND TENDER YOU COULD CUT IT WITH A FORK.

[SNIFFS] OH, BRAIN, LOOK AT ALL THE STARS! ISN'T THAT MICHAEL DOUGLAS?

NO, PINKY. THAT'S A LOAD OF SAGGY BAGGAGE.

WHAA-HA! WHOO-WHAA-HA HA HA!

OH, SOMEONE HAD TOO MUCH SHASTA ON THE AIRPLANE. CAN'T THIS TRAFFIC MOVE ANY FASTER? WE'VE GOT A 3:00 MEETING AT SPAGO.

OOH, I LIKE MEETING NEW PEOPLE, BRAIN. LIKE THE TIME WE MET THAT STRANGE LITTLE MAN WHO THOUGHT HE COULD TAKE OVER THE WORLD. HA HA!

YOU MEAN ME?

OH, RIGHT. SORRY. JET LAG.

NOW LEAVE ME WHILE I QUAFF MY LOCKS. OOH. TAKE A MEMO, PINKY. DROP OFF SUIT AT JIFFY LUBE.

The Brain: I KNOW MY PLOT-- THE STORY WILL MAKE THE PERFECT HOLLYWOOD MOVIE. I CALL IT BRAIN'S SONG. THE TRAGIC TALE OF ME, BRAIN PICCADILLY, A FORMER ARENA FOOTBALL PLAYER SUFFERING FROM A BAD CASE OF STOMACH CRAMPS, AS TOLD BY MY LONGTIME FRIEND AND TEAMMATE, MEADOWLARK LEMON. AFTER MANY SCHMOOZINGS WITH MY HOLLYWOOD UBER AGENT, IRVING "SHIFTY" BIZARRE.

CHOOTZ-PUH, BOOBY. THAT'LL BE PAY FOR PLAY WITH 10% COMING OUT THE TOP-- GROSS. NARF.

WE THINK THIS IS THE PERFECT PROJECT FOR YOU, THE NICEST GUY IN HOLLYWOOD.

ME? YOU WANT ME TO PLAY YOU?

YES. YOU'RE THE MOST FRIENDLY, BENEVOLENT MOVIE ACTOR EVER CAPTURED ON CELLULOID. WHY, YOU'RE CARY GRANT AND JIMMY STEWART ROLLED UP IN ONE GREAT BIG BALL. NOT THAT THAT EVER HAPPENED.

NO WAY, YOU CRAZY FREAK! AND--AND ADDRESS ME AS LORD MASTER HIS HIGHNESS.

Waiter: HEY!

Woman: OH!

FORREST GRUMP.

HEE HEE HEE. OH, BRAIN.

AND WHO BETTER TO PLAY ME, BRAIN PICCADILLY, THAN YOU, THE THINKING MAN'S MICKEY ROURKE, BRUCE.

I WOULD LOVE TO. I MEAN, THIS SOUNDS LIKE THE PERFECT PROJECT TO GET INTO.

[WHISPERS]

OH, I--I'M SORRY. I, UH, I THINK I'M BUSY THAT NIGHT. MY, UH, MY SON TRUANT NEEDS A DIAPER CHANGE, AND MY WIFE'S DOING REWRITES ON GREAT EXPECTATIONS. SHE'LL MAKE IT WORK.

IF I DRESSED UP LIKE ROBERT REDFORD AND GAVE HER A MILLION BUCKS, DO YOU THINK SHE'D GO AWAY? AND WHO BETTER TO PORTRAY A PRO FOOTBALL RUNNING BACK THAN YOU, BEA ARTHUR.

HEY, THERE'S A RAT IN THE POOL!

I'M NO RAT, I'M HIS AGENT!

AND WHO WOULD BE BETTER TO PLAY THE PART OF A RED-HEADED UNDERDOG FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE THAN TV's RALPH MALPH. I STILL GOT IT! NO, YOU DON'T. NO! NO! NO! FOR THE LAST TIME, NO, NO, NO, NO! SO, BRAIN, AM I BEING A GOOD AGENT? ABOUT AS GOOD AS THE JAMAICAN BOBSLED TEAM, PINKY. YOU MEAN, THEY WERE AGENTS AND OLYMPIC HOPEFULS? GRR. FINE, BRAIN. I CAN TELL WHEN I'M NOT WANTED OCCASIONALLY. IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A MOVIE, MAKE IT YOURSELF! PINKY, THAT'S IT! YOU'RE A GENIUS. IF WE WANT TO MAKE A MOVIE, WE HAVE TO-- BOBSLED? NO, PINKY. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE THE MOVIE OURSELVES! "YOU NEED NEW YORK, UNIQUE NEW YORK. YOU KNOW YOU NEED UNIQUE NEW YORK. " NOW YOU TRY, PINKY. NYORK, NYORK, NYORK! HA HA HA, NARF! PERFECT. NOW THAT WE HAVE MASTERED OUR DICTION, LET'S TURN TO CHAPTER 2 OF MELANIE GRIFFITH'S, HOW I ACT GOOD. THANK YOU, PINKY. "CHAPTER 2: HOW TO VACUUM IN HIGH HEELS. " OH, HORSE HOCKEY. WHAT BOOK WOULD YOU LIKE NEXT, BRAIN? "JIM NABORS', SURPRISE, SURPRISE, I'M A-ACTIN'" OR "JIM VARNEY'S, AN ACTOR PREPARES. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" FIDDLE FADDLE. I CAN ACT SPHERES AROUND THOSE CHARLATANS. TONIGHT, THE WORLD WILL EMBRACE ME FOR MY PERFORMANCE AS BRAIN PICCADILLY, THE DYSPEPTIC PROFESSIONAL PIGSKIN PLAYER IN OUR PRODUCTION OF BRAIN'S SONG. RIGHT THEN, BRAIN. I'LL JUST GO PREPARE MYSELF FOR MY ROLE AS SPORTING LEGEND MEADOWLARK LEMON. PINKY, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT RIDICULOUS OUTFIT? I GOT IT OFF MY CURLY NEAL DOLL. BUT PINKY, YOU'RE NOT PLAYING MEADOWLARK LEMON. MEADOWLARK LEMON IS PLAYING MEADOWLARK LEMON. OOH. [TEETH CHATTERING] KOINK. CALM YOURSELF, PINKY. MEADOWLARK IS DOING ME A FAVOR. HE STILL OWES ME FOR TEACHING HIM HOW TO SINK ONE FROM DOWNTOWN. YOU SEE, ONCE YOU ACCEPT THE PRINCIPLE OF PROJECTILE VS. GRAVITY-- YOU THROW UP? [TELEPHONE RINGS] "HE OWES ME FOR STINKING UP DOWNTOWN. " NARF. YES, I'LL ACCEPT. HELLO, MEADOWLARK LEMON? SNOWED IN IN PHOENIX? WELL, OK. GOOD-BYE, MEADOWLARK LEMON. GUESS WHAT, MY FRIEND? YOU'RE PLAYING MEADOWLARK LEMON. [GASPING] REALLY, BRAIN? OH, THAT'S GREAT! WAIT. OH, NO, NO. WHAT WILL I WEAR? PINKY, DID YOU KNOW THAT ONE CAN'T MAKE NOISE IN SPACE? REALLY? PRETEND YOU'RE IN SPACE. WHAT YOU THINK, BRAIN? PINKY, YOU'VE OUTDONE YOURSELF. THESE SETS ARE UNCANNY. WHERE DID YOU FIND THEM? OH, I FOUND THEM OUT IN THE GARAGE UNDERNEATH GNIP-GNOP, COOTIE, AND MY POSTER OF HENRY WINKLER. EXCELLENT WORK, MY FRIEND. COME ON, LET'S GO GET READY FOR BRAIN'S SONG. YOU HAVE EXACTLY TO BECOME MORE MEADOWLARK-Y. DESCEND, MY FRIEND. Both: WHOA! [CRASH] PLACES, EVERYBODY! PLACES! HEY, BRAIN, NICE 'DO, BABE. THANK YOU, PINKY. IT'S DRYER LINT. ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE, FRACTURE YOUR FEMURS. STAND BY. IN 5, 4, 3, 2-- NOW, PINKY. ROLL CAMERA AND FLIP THAT SWITCH. THE OTHER SWITCH. [LAUGHING] The Brain: WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM OF HILARITY TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL PRESENTATION OF STARRING BRAIN PICCADILLY, WITH PINKY VAN PATTEN AS MEADOWLARK LEMON AND COACH BARE BOTTOMS. Pinky: THEY SAY EVERY TRUE STORY ENDS WITH THE END. THIS ONE'S NO DIFFERENT. THIS IS THE TRUE STORY OF 2 FRIENDS: ONE--THE GREATEST FOOTBALL-PLAYING BASKETBALL PLAYER OF HIS TIME. THE OTHER, A LABORATORY MOUSE BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD, WHO ALSO PLAYED FOOTBALL. NARF. OH, HOW I LOVE FOOTBALL. FOOTBALL IS MY LIFE. HUP, HUP, HUP, HUP. UMPF. THERE IS A MAN WHO LOVES HIS FOOTBALL. SAY, AREN'T YOU FOOT- AND BASKETBALL GREAT MEADOWLARK LEMON? UH-HUH. WILL YOU BE MY PAL? UH-HUH. NARF. OH, FELLOW FOOTBALL PLAYER, YOU ARE MY BEST BUDDY. I LIKE YOU ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVE FOOTBALL. [BREATHING HEAVILY] UH-HUH. LET'S GO GET US SOME CHICAGO-STYLE DEEP DISH PIZZA. I LOVE IT ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVE FOOTBALL. MM-MMM. BRAIN PICCADILLY, I'M SENDING YOU IN. OH, THANK YOU, COACH BARE BOTTOMS. I ONLY HOPE NOTHING OF TRAGIC PROPORTIONS BEFALLS ME WHILST I PLAY MY BELOVED PASTIME: FOOTBALL. PI. SET. HUT, HUT, HIKE! OOH. OH. IT SEEMS I AM SUFFERING A SUDDEN AILMENT OF MY DIGESTIVE TRACT. NEVERTHELESS, I SHALL CONTINUE PLAYING THE SPORT I LOVE: FOOTBALL. [WHISPERS] Perfect, Pinky. Keep sending me in. But, Brain, don't you think you'll hurt yourself? These action sequences portray me as a tragic hero. It's too dangerous. No pain, no planet. Do it! OHH. HELLO, JELLYROLL MORTON. MAY I WEAR YOUR SLAP SHOES? BRAIN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? SEND ME BACK IN, BARE BOTTOM. ALL RIGHT. GET BACK OUT THERE, BRAIN PICCADILLY AND WIN ONE FOR THE GIFFORDS! UM, PUT A HALO ON MARY! OOF. COME ON, BRAIN PICCADILLY, GO WIN THE HEIMLICH TROPHY! UHH. COACH BARE BOTTOMS, I, BRAIN PICCADILLY, LOVER OF FOOTBALL, AM SUFFERING FROM CAREER-ENDING STOMACH CRAMPS AND CAN NO LONGER PLAY THE GAME I LOVE: FOOTBALL. OH, OH, OOH! TELL MY GOOD PAL, MEA--OHH, UHH. BRAIN PICCADILLY! WHY, LOOK WHO'S COME TO VISIT ME. MY GOOD FRIEND, MEADOWLARK LEMON. THANK YOU FOR COMING, MEADOWLARK LEMON. REMEMBER THE TIME YOU PUT MASHED POTATOES ON MY CHAIR AND I SAT IN THEM? MM-HMM. THAT WAS FUNNY. REMEMBER THE TIME WE WRAPPED OURSELVES IN ALUMINUM FOIL AND PRETENDED WE WERE ROBOTS? MM-HMM. THAT WAS FUNNY, TOO. REMEMBER THE TIME WE PUT ALL OUR CLOTHES ON BACKWARDS AND MADE PEOPLE THINK WE HAD REALLY HAIRY FACES? UM THAT WAS REALLY FUNNY. AND NOW I, BRAIN PICCADILLY, SHALL NEVER PLAY FOOTBALL AGAINNNN. MM-HMM. Pinky: AND BRAIN PICCADILLY NEVER PLAYED FOOTBALL, THE SPORT HE LOVED SO MUCH, AGAIN. IT'S A SAD STORY. SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD. BUT IT'S A STORY THAT MUST BE TOLD BECAUSE IT'S SAD, SO SAD. POIT. SAD. THE END. AND WE'RE CLEAR. EXCELLENT, PINKY. AND NOW WE WAIT. FOR TONIGHT THE WORLD WILL FALL INTO SUCH DEPRESSION THAT SOON THE EARTH WILL BE MINE. SEE YOU AT THE WRAP PARTY, AS THEY SAY. HMM, MAYBE A LITTLE LATER, MAN. I'VE GOT TO TRY TO SHAKE OFF THIS BUMMER FIRST. [ALL SOBBING] IT'S 22 STINKING MINUTES PAST THE HOUR, BUT WHO CARES? OH-HOO-HOO-HOO. NOW THAT THE WORLD IS ALL WEEPY, I WILL CALL THE WORLD'S LEADERS USING MY ALIAS, THE OVERLORD! PEOPLE WILL BE SO DESPONDENT FROM MY TEARJERKER, THEY WILL HAND US THE WORLD ON A SILVER PLATTER. OOH, FREE PLATTER. NARF. GRR. PINKY, I-- UHH! BRAIN, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OK? YES, OF COURSE. IT'S--IT'S JUST POSTPRODUCTION JITTERS. [TELEPHONE RINGS] [SIGH] YEAH? OVERLORD? SURE. YEAH, I'M TOO SAD FOR PRESIDENT-ING. LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE OVER THE WHOLE COUNTRY. I DON'T EVEN GIVE A TOOTY. OK. BYE-BYE, OVERLORD. [CRYING] I'LL CONSIDER THAT A YES. [RING] YES, THIS IS MU. OVERLORD? YES, MY FRIEND, TAKE THE WHOLE THING. GOOD-BYE, MY FRIEND. YES! THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER. PINKY, GET BEHIND THE CAMERA. IT'S TIME FOR THE WORLD TO MEET ITS NEW LEADER! RIGHT, BRAIN. ALL HAIL THE OVERBOARD! JUST HIT THE SWITCH. UHH! CITIZENS OF THE WORLD, I AM YOUR NEW LEADER, THE OH--OHH--VERLORD. UNDER MY REGIME, YOU WILL ALL PAY HOMAGE TO ME, THE OH--OHH--VERLORD. AND FOR YOUR VERY EXISTENCE, YOU SHALL DEPEND ON ME, THE OH--OHH--VERLORD. UHH! [LAUGHING] AHH! AHH! UHH! AHH! [PEOPLE LAUGHING] The Brain: WHERE DID I GO WRONG? I WAS THIS CLOSE, PINKY. I HAD THEM IN THE PALM OF MY-- PINKY? FEAR ME, FOR I AM THE OVERLORD. YAA! LOOK, BRAIN, YOU'VE CREATED A CATCH PHRASE. YES, PINKY. APPARENTLY, THE OVERLORD IS A WILD AND CRAZY GUY. GEE, BRAIN, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW? THE SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY. TRY TO TAKE OVER THE-- UHH! AAH! [THUD] WORLD? THEY'RE DINKY THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN