Power to the Parrot

(Setting: near Agrabah. A camel merchant has set up shop close to the city.)

Merchant:  Camels for sale! Camels for sale! One hump or two! New models just in! Come on down!

(A man walks up to one of the camels and examines its teeth. There's the sound of a duck quacking, and he looks down to see a duck quacking at Genie, who is in the form of a blue duck.)

Man:  Ducky! How many times must I tell you not to talk to strange ducks! And they don't come much stranger than that one. (walks away carrying the duck)

Genie:   (in a Donald Duck voice)  Was it something I said?

(Aladdin walks away from the camel sale leading two camels. Iago is with him.)

Iago:  Okay, we picked up the camels the sultan wanted. Now can we start for Getzistan?

Aladdin:  I told you Iago, it's just gonna be me and Jasmine this time.

Iago:  But Getzistan has casinos! And I've got a system...

Genie:   (flies up to Iago, still in duck form)  You call putting slugs in slot machines a system?

Iago:  Listen, bub, I—

(There's a rumbling sound and the ground begins to shake. The camels escape as Aladdin is thrown into the air by the shifting sand dunes.)

Aladdin:  What's happening?

(A giant sand worm erupts from the sand, throwing Aladdin even farther up into the air. Carpet arrives and catches him, and the worm dives back into the sand.)

Aladdin:  What  is  that thing?

Genie:   (in a safari outfit, reading from a book)  It's either a very long-nosed Arabian Sapsucker, or Sluguthu, the giant scavenger worm. (takes out binoculars and looks around, until he sees the worm, looking back at him)  It's the worm...

(The worm jumps at them, just missing them and diving back into the sand.)

Aladdin:  Looks like he's gone.

Iago:  Oh, the joy of living in a land of wonder and enchantment. In some places they think cockroaches are a big problem!

Genie:   (as a sailor)  Worm ho! (points at the worm burrowing away from them)

Aladdin:  It's headed for Agrabah!

(Setting: the palace garden. Abu is posing for a painting that Jasmine is making of him, wearing a turban and holding a sword.)

Jasmine:  Abu! You have to hold still. I want to finish before my date with Aladdin.

(The ground beneath Abu is shaking, and the worm comes out of the ground right underneath him.)

Jasmine:  Abu!

(The worm catches Abu in its mouth. Abu hangs onto its uvula to stop from being swallowed.)

Genie:  This looks like a job for Super Genie! (changes into a superhero)

(Abu pulls the feather off his turban and tickles the inside of the worm's mouth.)

Genie:  Eat blast beam vengeance, worm! (shoots a beam of magic at it)

(The worm sneezes Abu out, and Jasmine catches him. As it sneezes, Genie's beam misses him. It goes in a window in the palace, is reflected off a plate a servant is cleaning, and heads toward the sultan.)

Sultan:  Oh, a shekel!

(Sultan bends down to pick up a coin and the beam passes him, too. It heads back out the same window toward the worm, who dodges it. It hits Iago, burning off all his feathers and sending him crashing to the ground.)

Genie:   (blushing)  Oops. (to his hand)  Bad blast beam! Bad bad bad!

(The worm chases after Jasmine, who is carrying Abu. Genie dives down and moves them out of the way, and the worm dives back into the ground. Aladdin arrives on Carpet and hugs Jasmine.)

Genie:  You know Al, this thing isn't here on a two-day pass from the worm farm. It's after something...

Aladdin:  Yeah, but what is there in Agrabah to attract a giant scavenger worm?

(An odor wafts in front of their faces.)

Aladdin, Jasmine, and Genie:  Ew!

Genie:  (ties his nose into balloon animals, then points)  There!

(There's a cart full of stinky cheese next to the pool.)

Aladdin:  The Stenchburger cheese from Odiferus!

Genie:  Scavenger worms love rotten food. The smellier the better.

Jasmine:  But where's the worm?

(The worm comes out of the ground underneath the cheese cart, knocking it over. It wraps itself around one of the palace towers and starts inhaling the cheese.)

Iago:  Hey, here's a wild thought: someone get rid of that cheese!

Genie:  With pleasure!

(Genie turns into a catapult and flings the remainder of the cheese out of the city. The worm burrows off after it.)

Aladdin:  Whew, I'm glad that's over.

Jasmine:  So, the city's safe?

Aladdin:  Well, until the next shipment of cheese, anyway.

Jasmine:  Then let's hit the clouds.

(Setting: later that day. Aladdin and Jasmine are flying to Getzistan on Carpet.)

Jasmine:  What's wrong?

Aladdin:  I'm just worried about leaving Genie and Iago and Abu behind.

Jasmine:  I'm sure they'll be fine.

Aladdin:  It isn't them I'm worried about, it's Agrabah.

(Setting: the palace dining room. Genie, Iago, and Abu are at the table.)

Iago:  How can they just abandon me like this? And after I saved the entire city from that overgrown slug!

Genie:  Pardon? Who saved the city? Are we forgetting who got rid of the cheese? Moi!

Iago:  Sure, after I told you to.

Genie:  And I saved the princess!

Iago:  Big deal! The world's full of princesses!

Genie:   (turns red with anger)  I suppose you could have done better!

Iago:  With your powers, a sand flea could do better!

Genie:  Ho! You think so?

Iago:  I know so!

Genie:  Oh yeah?

Iago:  Yeah!

Abu:  Hey hey hey! (tries to separate Iago and Genie)

Genie:  I'd like to see you try!

(Genie shrinks Abu to get him out of the way. Abu falls through a crack in the table and lands on the floor, chattering angrily.)

Genie:  I'm tempted to loan you my powers just to watch you make a fool of yourself!

Iago:  You can do that?!

Genie:  Of course.

Iago:  You're on! You give me your powers for one day, and I'll show you who's the champ and who's the chump!

Genie:  You've got it! One day! On one condition. (changes Abu back to his normal size)  You must uphold the Code of the Genie! (a thick book appears in Genie's hand)

Iago:  For phenomenal cosmic power I'd uphold the Alps. Lay it on me, baby!

(There's a flash of light, and Iago is strapped to an operating table.)

Iago:   (nervously)  Of course, surgery requires a second opinion...

Genie:   (as a mad scientist with a German accent)  Do not fear. Zis is science!

(Genie laughs maniacally and throws a switch. The table shoots up into the air and through a hole in the ceiling. Genie, in the form of Zeus, throws a lightning bolt at Iago. A moment later, Iago is lying unconscious on the dining room floor, surrounded by scorch marks.)

Abu:   (patting Iago's face)  Hello? Hello?

(Iago's eyes open, and beams of light shine out of them.)

Iago:  I feel great! (flies up into the air; he now has a tail like Genie's)  Every feather of my being is charged with energy!

Genie:   (human shaped, but still blue)  So, this is what it's like to be mortal...

Iago:   (looking at his wings as he floats)  You know, you don't realize how much effort goes into flying until you don't have to flap anymore. Now to whip up a treasure just slightly smaller than the pyramids...

Genie:  Ahem! Remember the Code! The Code clearly states, no big treasures! (holds up the book; there's a picture of a treasure with a slash through it.)

Iago:  Then what is the point?!

Genie:  The point of a genie's life is service to others. And the union is very vigilant!

Iago:  Oh, yeah, like you never materialize yourself a ten pound hot fudge sundae.

Genie:  Shh! You want everyone to know?!

Iago:  I rest my case. So what if I indulge myself? What could happen?

(A lightning bolt barely misses Iago, then flames appear underneath him. A semi appears and starts chasing him. He's then pulled apart by horses into two Iagos, and bombs start dropping on them.)

Iago:  Okay! Okay! I get the drift! (crashes to the floor; everything is back to normal)  Sheesh, ask a simple question... (the book of the Code of the Genie falls on Iago's head, followed by a piano.)

Genie:  Now that the ground rules are in place, let's see some politically correct magic!

Iago:  Okay, stand back, I need a volunteer. Oh, monkey man? I hereby grant you the Infinite Treasure Touch! (zaps Abu)

(Abu picks up his hat, which turns into a crown.)

Genie:  That can't be legal!

Iago:  Check out chapter 82, "Fun with Fingers."

Genie:  Whoa, why didn't I ever think of that?

Iago:  'Cause I have one thing you don't: a brain!

(Iago's brain pops out of his head on a spring; the sight of it turns Genie green.)

Genie:  Did I do things like that when I had genie powers?

Iago:  Constantly.

Genie:  Aw, jinkies! No wonder I could never get a date on New Year's Eve.

(Abu touches a shoe and turns it to gold.)

Iago:  Happy?

(Abu nods.)

Iago:  Good. Can you say, "kickback"?

Genie:  You're a disgrace! Go ahead, abuse your powers! It's obvious that I'm the true genie, and you're just a feathered vertebrate noted for mimicry!

Iago:  I could out-genie you on a cloudy day with a sack over my head!

Genie:  You couldn't do good if your own mother was watching!

Iago:  Could if I wanted!

Genie:  Couldn't!

Iago:  Could!

Genie:  Couldn't!

Iago:  Could!

Genie:  Couldn't!

Iago:  Could!

Genie:  Couldn't!

Iago:  Could, could, could, could, could! (flies around Genie, leaving a cloud of smoke)  Just watch my smoke! (flies out the window)

Genie:  Oh... I think there's a slight possibility that I made a mistake.

(Setting: a farm near Agrabah. The plants look brown and parched. Two farmers are outside working the field.)

Farmer 1:  "Let's buy a farm!" he says! "Is there water on it?" I ask? "Lots of water!" he says! Pah! The only time this farm sees water is when the camel spits!

(A beam of light from the sky shines down on the farmers.)

Farmer 2:  Look!

Iago:   (descending from the sky in the beam of light)  Did someone say "water"? (gives the farmers life preservers)  Put those on! You're gettin' water like you won't believe!

(The farmers shrug.)

(Iago flies off to a river, and turns into an orchestra conductor. He starts to conduct, and the river rises out of its bed. He directs it toward Agrabah. Meanwhile, the farmers are waiting, with the life preservers on their heads.)

Farmer 1:  I don't care if he  was  an enchanted bird. I'm giving him ten more minutes, and then I'm taking this ridiculous thing off!

(The river floods over them and sweeps them away toward the city. Iago sees that it's almost to the city wall, and appears in front of the river as a traffic cop. The river splits in two, going around Agrabah on either side. The farmers are now floating happily on their life preservers.)

Farmer 1:  Babkak! We can water our farm!

Babkak (Farmer 2):  We'll have a harvest such as the desert has never seen!

(Setting: The palace garden. Abu is swimming in the fountain, but all the water has turned to gems.)

Genie:  I can't stand it! I haven't stayed in one shape this long since I was a—

Sultan:  Genie! (runs into the garden with Iago)  Wait till you see what Iago's done! He's given Agrabah a river! Two rivers! I'm so excited!

Iago:  I can see it now: riverfront shopping! Luxury condominiums! Fly fishing!

Sultan:   (running past carrying a toy boat)  Boats! Boats! (laughs)  Lots of boats!

Genie:  Whoa, rivers! What a concept! I wonder why I never thought of—

(Iago's brain on a spring pops up in front of Genie's face.)

Genie:  No no no no no! Don't answer that! (pushes the brain back into Iago's head)

Iago:  You know what? Tonight, when it won't spoil any picnics, I'm making it rain. (turns into a single-celled organism and divides)  Well, got to split. (leaves)

Genie:  So, let him make a big dramatic exit! I'll just, just... (sighs)  exit, stage left. (exits)

Abu:  Oh, poor Genie...

(Setting: the Marketplace)

Iago:   (through a megaphone)  Free food! Food for all! All you can eat! Right here!

(The streets are lined with banquet tables, filled with food. Everyone is eating except the two farmers from before, who are sitting in front of a platter that only has crumbs left on it.)

Iago:   (as a cowboy)  There's always more where that came from, pardners! (zaps more food in front of them)

(Sultan, Genie, Iago, and Abu are now sitting at table overlooking the feast.)

Sultan:  Never have I seen such generosity! Isn't it wonderful?

Genie:  Yeah. Fab.

(The man with the duck walks up to Abu, who has a bushel of apples. Abu picks up an apple, which turns into a giant ruby, and hands it to the man.)

Abu:  Thank you!

Man with duck:  Look, Ducky. We can buy matching turbans.

(Abu is about to hand another jeweled apple to the merchant Farouk when Genie stops him.)

Genie:  Hold it right there! You just can't hand out treasure to every Tom, Dick, and Moustafa!

Iago:  Why not? Just because you're a skinflint doesn't mean I can't buy a few thousand friends.

Farouk:   (picking up Genie)  It is written: stick not thy nose into the business of others! (tosses Genie into a basket full of garbage)

Iago:   (smelling the garbage-covered Genie)  Hoo-ey! That'll grow hair on your chest. But, seriously, I have the perfect job for a man with your abilities.

(A short while later, Genie is in a dunking booth.)

Iago:  Step right up and win a ruby! Hit the target and dunk the chump! Three balls to a customer!

(Someone hits the target and drops Genie into the water.)

Genie:  This is gonna be one long day.

(Setting: that night, on the bank of Agrabah's new river. It's raining. Genie is sitting beside the river, talking to a donkey while holding a photo album.)

Genie:  No, really, I used to turn into stuff all the time! This is me as Napoleon! This is me as a grape! Here I am as Hurricane Ethel. Oh, those were the days. Iago's given the city everything. Water, food, riches! And now this rain will turn the desert into a paradise. I guess he is a better genie than I was.

(The river begins to rise, and the donkey brays loudly.)

Genie:  Maybe he should... keep my powers.

(The river is about to overflow. The donkey butts Genie with his head to try to get his attention.)

Genie:  Oh, where's the power to turn into a cockroach when you need it?

(The donkey runs away, while Genie sits there in the rain, depressed.)

(Setting, the next morning, Aladdin's hovel. It's still raining. The hovel is filled with gold and treasure. Iago wakes up and yawns.)

Iago:  Another day, another miracle.

(Abu also wakes up. His pillow has turned into a giant jewel. He's obviously not slept well. Iago is now taking a shower.)

Iago:  What should I give my adoring public next? A water treatment plant or a ninety lane bowling alley?

(Abu tries to take a drink of water, but the water turns to jewels in his mouth.)

Iago:  They'll be throwing roses at my feet by noon today!

(There's a crowd outside the hovel chanting Iago's name. Iago goes out to the balcony wearing a shower cap and a towel.)

Iago:  Ich bin ein  Agrabanian!

(A tomato hits Iago in the face.)

Man with duck:  You stupid parrot! Your stupid rain made your stupid rivers flood last night!

(We can now see that the crowd is standing in thigh-deep water.)

Farmer 1:  We lost our crops!

Farouk:  I lost my business!

Man with duck:  I lost my duck! (there's a splashing sound)  Uh, never mind.

(The crowd throws more rotten food at Iago, who ducks back into the hovel.)

Iago:  Where the heck do these angry mobs get that rotten fruit that they're always throwing?

(We can now see that the leftover food from the previous day's feast is floating down the flooded streets of Agrabah, rotting. The odor of the rotten food wafts out into the desert, where Sluguthu smells it. Meanwhile, the mob is still throwing things at Iago.)

Iago:  Are you forgetting who made you rich?!

Farouk:  You made us  all  rich! Now it takes a bushel of rubies to buy a single loaf of bread!

Babkak:  It's worse than being poor! (throws a tomato)

(Inside the hovel, Abu's stomach is growling. He picks up an apple from a bushel and tries to eat it, and it turns into a ruby. He keeps picking up apples, and they each turn into rubies. He's getting more and more frustrated, and then Iago poofs back inside the hovel.)

Iago:  Anyways, it's things like this that show you who...

(Abu advances on him, chattering angrily.)

Iago:  ...your friends really are? Okay, okay, there's a pretty good chance I can fix this problem.

(The ground starts to shake, and Sluguthu bursts through the floor, destroying the hovel.)

Iago:  I can handle it!

(Iago magics up a steel beam inside Sluguthu's mouth to keep it open.)

Iago:  Ha! Fight that.

(Sluguthu bends the beam in half with his jaws and swallows it.)

Iago:  Of course you realize I'm merely toying with you. (the worm snaps at him)  That's it! Super Genie, ha! Make room for Ultra Iago! (turns into a superhero; the symbol on his chest is a bag of money with a dollar sign. He punches Sluguthu, but it doesn't do any good)  Or perhaps not...

(Elsewhere in the Marketplace, Genie is floating down the street on a piece of debris.)

Genie:  I'll never be a French chef again. I'll never be a french fry again!

Iago:   (appearing next to him)  Genie!

Genie:  Don't say it. You've proven your point. Keep the powers, but I refuse to listen to your gloating.

(Genie plugs his ears and chants "I'm not listening" while Iago tries to get his attention.)

Iago:  I don't want your powers! Everything I did was a disaster! (unplugs Genie's ear)  Will you cut that out!

Genie:  Oh, were you talking to me?

Iago:  I'm tryin' to tell ya— LOOK OUT!

(Sluguthu jumps on them and eats them. Genie hangs onto his uvula, while Iago floats next to him.)

Iago:  You gotta show me how to give your powers back before we learn all about our friend the small intestine!

Genie:  You really mean it?! You don't  want  to be a genie?!

Iago:  I have never been so sincere! So whadda we need? Lab tables, some lightning...

Genie:  Oh, that was just for show. Here, pull my finger.

Iago:  You aren't serious.

Genie:  Go ahead.

Iago:  Oh, I can't believe I'm—

(Iago pulls Genie's finger, and is electrocuted. The electricity in his mouth surprises Sluguthu, and he spits them both out. Iago crawls out of the water, back in his normal shape, coughing. Then Genie bursts out of the water, with his smoke tail again.)

Genie:  Yes! (turns into a penguin, Carmen Miranda, a pirate, a space shuttle, a big game hunter, and then back to his normal self)  Now uh, what seems to be the problem?

(Iago, still coughing, points at Sluguthu.)

Genie:  Oh, yes. Mr. Esophagus. (pulls a giant bath plug out of the water, which starts to drain away)  Oh, I do hope this doesn't leave a nasty ring around the city.

(Sluguthu dives into the hole the water drained into. The streets are no longer flooded.)

Iago:  Ya know, I was just about to try that.

Genie:  No time to chat. Busy busy! (disappears)

(Setting: the Marketplace. Farouk is mopping the water out of his stall, and the man with the duck is arguing with him. The man has a wheelbarrow full of emeralds, and his duck is wearing a miniature turban.)

Man with duck:  What do you mean, two figs for a whole cart of gems? They are worth four figs if they are worth a raisin!

Farouk:  Gems are worth nothing. Now, if you want to trade for the duck...

Man with duck:  Never!

(The emeralds suddenly change into figs.)

Man with duck:   (gasps)  Figs! Hundreds of figs! We are rich! Ducky, ha ha, we are rich! (throws figs into the air)

(Setting: just outside the city walls. Genie in the form of a bulldozer, lifts the river up and moves it away, while the two farmers watch.)

Farmer 1:  There goes our river.

Babkak:  And good riddance. So tell me, Kassim, what do you know about cactus farming?

(Setting: Agrabah, a little while later. Aladdin, Jasmine, and Carpet arrive back in the city.)

Jasmine:  See, Aladdin? Everything's just as we left it.

Aladdin:  Huh, you're right. I've never seen Agrabah so peaceful. The streets are almost empty. I wonder where everybody is?

(Setting: somewhere else in the city, Iago is now sitting in the dunking booth.)

Iago:  Okay, okay, so a few things didn't work out. I still say— Aaah! (falls into the water)

Genie:  Step right up and dunk the chump! Three balls for a shekel! Right here! Shekel talks and nobody walks! Step riiiiight up!

(The line for the dunking booth stretches as far as the eye can see.)

THE END