Pirates of the Pair of Tweens / Konan the Kardashian

(Scene begins with shadows of Blackbeard, Jack Sparrow, and Angelica finding the Fountain of Youth in the jungle)

Blackbeard: At last, we have found the Fountain of Youth!

(Scene goes to Jack Sparrow, Angelica and Blackbeard's faces)

Jack Sparrow: Which, I may add, (Scene backs out to show Fountain of Youth) is not nearly impressive as the fountain at the mall.

(Scene goes to the Keel Mall's big fountain and people around it.)

(Scene goes to Angelica holding a bucket and standing close to the Fountain of Youth)

Angelica: Quickly, let us drink it so we can live forever.

(Scene backs out to Blackbeard)

Blackbeard: Now, let me just grab a bendy straw, and we drink!

(Angelica and Blackbeard drink the Fountain of Youth. The water works... only to turn into smaller and younger kids in their tweens, surprising Jack Sparrow)

Young Blackbeard: What the--? I wanted to live forever, not have to live through puberty again!

Young Angelica: You said this would work!

Young Blackbeard: Did not!

Young Angelica: Did too!

Young Blackbeard: Did not!

Young Angelica: Did too!

Young Blackbeard: Did not!

(Scene backs to Jack Sparrow who is talking while Angelica and Blackbeard argue)

Jack Sparrow: Great. Now I'm a babysitter.

(Title card: "Pirates of the Pair of Tweens" with an Alfred E. Neuman skeleton head behind with crossed bones)

(Scene goes back to the ship with Jack Sparrow and Young Blackbeard and Young Angelica standing outside of it)

Jack Sparrow: Alright, (Scene zooms in on Jack Sparrow) everybody, get back on the ship! (Scene goes to Young Blackbeard and Young Angelica)

Young Blackbeard: We can't! (Scene backs out to show a sign saying how tall you need to be to ride the "Pirates of the Caribbean") We're not tall enough!

Jack Sparrow: Get on the ship, or you'll both be keelhauled!

(Scene zooms in on Young Blackbeard and Young Angelica)

Young Angelica: Ooh! I always wanted to go to the Keel Mall.

(Scene goes to Jack Sparrow, confused. This is going to be a long day for him...)

Jack Sparrow: Wait, what?

(Scene goes to The Keel Mall with Young Angelica and Young Blackbeard laughing while they run and grab Jack Sparrow around, scene goes to Young Blackbeard and Young Angelica playing in the ball pool while Jack Sparrow sits unhappily, scene goes to Young Blackbeard and Young Angelica trying on new clothes and forcing Jack Sparrow to buy them with his credit card and causing the register to ding, scene goes to an unhappy Jack Sparrow watching Young Blackbeard and Young Angelica play cannon tag. Young Angelica accidentally hits Jack Sparrow with a cannonball. Also, laughter and indistinct shouting can be heard)

(Scene goes to an exhausted Jack Sparrow sitting on a bench with shopping bags)

Jack Sparrow: Ugh. Are my salty dogs barking?

(Young Blackbeard and Young Angelica walk towards Jack Sparrow)

Young Blackbeard: I'm bored.

Jack Sparrow: Well, then, why don't you do us both a favor and walk the plank?

Young Blackbeard and Young Angelica: (Gasp) (Scene zooms in on them) Planking? That's a great idea!

(Scene goes to Jack Sparrow)

Jack Sparrow: Wait, what?

(Scene goes to Young Blackbeard planking on the first line of the ship's fort mast, Young Angelica on the second and Jack Sparrow on top with no lines but just a circle hold)

Jack Sparrow: Ow.

(Scene goes to Jack Sparrow planking on a crocodile while he growls)

Jack Sparrow: Ow.

(Scene goes to Young Blackbeard and Young Angelica and Jack Sparrow planking on the outside of a treasure chest)

Jack Sparrow: (Groans)

(Scene goes to Jack Sparrow planking on top of a restaurant called "The Crabby Crust", a parody of "The Krusty Krab". with Plankton on top of him)

(Scene zooms in on Plankton)

Plankton: I am king of this! (He says that because plank is part of his name.)

(Plankton plops down and scene goes to an exhausted Jack Sparrow)

Jack Sparrow: Oh, hi, diddly dee, (Jack Sparrow lays down on the bench) a pillow and slippers for me.

(Young Blackbeard and Young Angelica walk up to Jack Sparrow)

Young Angelica: Can we go to the movies?

(Scene goes to Jack Sparrow)

Jack Sparrow: (Groans) I just want to-- is rest a thing? Can I say "rest" (Scene backs out) and just have it mean what I think it means?

(Scene goes to Young Blackbeard and Young Angelica)

Young Angelica: Whatever. (They start to walk away) See you later, Captain Jack Lame-O.

(Scene goes to Jack Sparrow)

Jack Sparrow: Ugh. I never knew that chaperoning two kids could be (Scene zooms in on him) so much work.

(Scene backs out to show Willy Wonka)

Willy Wonka: Try chaperoning five.

(Jack Sparrow gets up)

Jack Sparrow: I beg your pardon?

(Scene zooms in on Willy Wonka)

Willy Wonka: I said, try looking after 5 kids. 10 bucks says you'll lose at least half of them.

(Scene goes to Jack Sparrow)

Jack Sparrow: These must be those "stranger tides" they spoke of.

(Scene backs out to show Willy Wonka standing up)

Willy Wonka: Willy Wonka, at your service. (Scene zooms in on Willy Wonka and background turns into candy falling in front of a hypnotist) I make tons of candy to meet (Willy Wonka shows a gummy drop) your purpose, a gummy drop that makes you pop (Gummy drop pops and Willy Wonka holds a drink), a fizzy drink that makes your farts not stink. (Flatulence is heard and scene goes to Jack Sparrow)

Jack Sparrow: Hmm. You wouldn't happen to have something that... restores you to your proper age, do you?

(Scene goes to Willy Wonka)

Willy Wonka: Why, I believe I have just the thing.

(Scene goes to Jack Sparrow smiling and holding two pink ice creams.)

Jack Sparrow: Hey, kids. (Scene backs out to show Willy Wonka, Young Blackbeard and Young Angelica standing together) Want a special treat?

(Young Blackbeard and Young Angelica take the ice cream)

Young Blackbeard: Thanks.

Young Angelica: Sure!

(Young Blackbeard and Young Angelica eat the ice cream and turn blue and float up)

Young Blackbeard: What the--?!

Young Angelica: What's happening to us?!

(POP goes the Weasel! Young Angelica and Young Blackbeard blow up and leave blue goo around)

(Scene zooms in on Jack Sparrow and Willy Wonka)

Jack Sparrow: I thought you said it would restore them to their proper age.

Willy Wonka: Eh, they get it wrong from time to time.

Jack Sparrow: The Oompa-Loompas?

Willy Wonka: No. I replaced them with something cheaper months ago.

(Scene goes to purple Alfa-Loompas dancing in the Chocolate factory)

Alfa-Loompas: Alfa-alfa, dippity-doo.

(Scene goes to Jack Sparrow and Willy Wonka)

Jack Sparrow: Eh, I’m just happy to have the night off.

(Jack Sparrow and Willy Wonka high-five and segment ends)

(Scene begins with a door, with Conan the Barbarian slamming it open... preparing to find Khalar Zym and wipe him out. However, Conan's path will merge with a woman of the Kardashian variety.)

Conan the Barbarian: I seek the location of Khalar Zym, the brutal warlord that wiped out my tribe. What do your mystical waters tell you?

Akiro the Wizard: "Mystical waters"?! This is potato leek soup! (Akiro the Wizard sips his potato leek soup with his wooden ladle.) Mmm. That's good leek.

(Scene zooms in on Akiro as he pulls out his phone)

Akiro: Now, let me Google this Khalar Zym guy. (But, he actually reads what's on Wikipedia.)

(Scene goes to Conan the Barbarian while Akiro the Wizard googles Khalar Zym on his phone making beeping sounds)

(Scene goes to Akiro the Wizard and the camera zooms in on him and creates a red dark background)

Akiro: Conan! It has been foreseen by Wikipedia that your path will merge with a powerful woman. You will join with her, and you will fulfill your destiny!

(Scene goes to Conan the Barbarian and the scene suddenly zooms out and the background stops being dark red)

Conan the Barbarian: Is it Tamara? (Grabs Akiro) Tell me, or I shall drown you in your savory sagent fused creamy broth!

Akiro the Wizard: Close! It's--

(Scene goes to the wall in which it bursts, revealing Kim Kardashian standing there with a pink background)

(Scene goes to Conan the Barbarian still holding Akiro the Wizard and camera zooms in on Conan the Barbarian)

Conan the Barbarian: Kim Kardashian?!

Kim Kardashian: I guess we're like, destined to be married.

Conan the Barbarian: But that would make me...

(Scene goes to the title card "Conan the Kardashian" with a "K" falling on the "C" making it "Konan the Kardashian")

(Scene goes to the outside of Kim Kardashian's house and inside is Kim Kardashian and Konan the Kardashian sitting on the couch.)

Kim Kardashian: So, like, I guess you should meet my sisters Khloé and Kourtney since we're best friends, (Scene zooms in on Kim Kardashian) and it's also the premise of our TV show.

Conan the Barbarian (Konan the Kardashian): Very well. (Scene zooms in on Konan the Kardashian and the background turns dark red again) Bring me to your family, so they can judge me, as Crom will judge me in the afterlife!

(Scene goes to Konan the Kardashian's face and then camera slowly zooms out to show Robert, Khloé, Kourtney, and Kim Kardashian sitting in the same table while a gong is heard ringing)

Khloé Kardashian: So, you like Chinese?

Konan the Kardashian: Love it.

(Scene goes to Konan the Kardashian alone in a room with a blue dot black background)

Konan the Kardashian: That was easier than I thought. Despite the blood that stains these hands from the horrible deaths that I've wrought, they seem to like me much more than that Scott guy. (Scene goes back to the table but camera is zoomed in on Rob Kardashian)

Rob Kardashian: So, Conan, what do you do for work? I sit by the pool all day and mooch off of others.

(Scene goes to Konan the Kardashian making circles with his sword and background turns dark red again)

Konan the Kardashian: I crush my enemies, see them driven before me and hear the lamentation of their women!

(Scene backs out to show the Kardashian family still sitting at the round table and background stops turning dark red)

Kourtney Kardashian: I don't know if they have a job like that here in Beverly Hills. Oh, wait. There's one!

(Scene goes outside to a Man with Sunglasses spinning his sign around)

(Scene goes to the right to show Lamar Odom come from the door in which the bell makes a ring sound)

Lamar Odom: Sorry I'm late.

(Scene goes to Konan the Kardashian stand up with a close up)

Konan the Kardashian: Behold! A warrior from Hades!

(Scene backs out to show Lamar Odom walk up to Khloé Kardashian who puts her arm around him)

Khloé Kardashian: That's my husband, Lamar.

Konan the Kardashian: Forgive me. You are a giant I... mistook.

(Konan the Kardashian sits down and camera zooms in on him)

Konan the Kardashian: Pray tell, what songs do they sing of your exploits?

(Scene goes to Lamar Odom who looks speechless and confused)

(Scene goes to Lamar alone in a room not talking and just looking around with the same blue dot black background from before.)

(Scene resumes to the outside of Jenner's House and inside is Kim Kardashian sitting down with Konan the Kardashian)

(Scene backs out to show the Kardashian's parents)

Kim Kardashian: Conan, these are my parents.

(Scene zooms in on Kim Kardashian's parents)

Kris Kardashian: Conan, you'll fit right in in this family. I mean, heck, your name already starts with a "K".

(Scene goes to Kim Kardashian and Konan the Kardashian getting up from the chair)

Konan the Kardashian: Actually, it's, uh...

(Scene goes to the phone speaker who made a ring sound)

Unknown Speaker on Phone: Kris, you have some perfumes you have to smell.

(Scene goes back to Kim Kardashian and Konan the Kardashian, the latter of whom knows that voice all-too-well...)

Konan the Kardashian: I recognize that voice!

(Scene backs out to show all)

Kris Kardashian: That's my new assistant, Khalar.

(Scene goes to Khalar Zym by the doorway)

Khalar Zym: Uh, did you say come in?

(Scene goes to Konan the Kardashian)

Konan the Kardashian: (pulls out his sword by reflex) Khalar!

Khalar Zym: Conan. (Scene backs out to show all) We-he-he-he-ell. This is awkward.

(Khalar Zym runs away and leaves all his stuff behind)

(Scene goes to Konan the Kardashian, Kim Kardashian and Kris Kardashian)

Konan the Kardashian: Excuse me. It was lovely meeting you all, but now, I must straight up kill your assistant. (Konan walks out)

(Scene goes to Khalar Zym and Konan the Kardashian fight with swords outside of the Jenner's house. Also they both grunt)

(Scene goes to Khalar Zym and Konan the Kardashian fight with their swords outside of Hollywood)

(Scene goes to Konan the Kardashian and Khalar Zym fight outside a churros stand. However, they both break their swords)

Konan the Kardashian, Khalar Zym: Huh?

(Konan the Kardashian and Khalar Zym throw their swords away and use the churros as swords to continue the fight and also start to grunt again)

(Scene goes to Grauman's Chinese Theatre where people are cheering and Konan the Kardashian and Khalar Zym still fight)

(Scene zooms in on them and Khalar Zym throws Konan the Kardashian to the ground)

Khalar Zym: Have you any last words?

Konan the Kardashian: By the power of the god's crom, Mitra... (Konan picks up Ed Asner's star) And Ed Asner, (Konan the Kardashian gets up) you shall fall!

(Konan the Kardashian throws the Ed Asner star towards Khalar Zym)

Khalar Zym: Aah!

(The Ed Asner star hits Khalar Zym and makes him disappear and after that people start to cheer)

(Scene goes to Konan the Kardashian and Kim Kardashian walk towards him)

Kim Kardashian: Conan, you did it! You beat my mom's assistant!

(Governor Man walks up to Konan the Kardashian and puts a banner around him)

Governor Man: On behalf of California, I pronounce you governor.

Konan the Kardashian: I cannot accept it. My place is beside Kim.

Governor Man: No sweat, we'll just give it to that guy.

(Scene goes to the Man with Sunglasses still spinning his sign and the segment ends)

5-second Cartoon
(Scene resumes with Lamar Odom who is still not talking and looking confused in the blue dot dark background)