Best Buds

Workaholics Episode Scripts

N/A - Best Buds

Here, the cubs from a local pride of lions - Oh, my God! - Dude, what? I just realized that tomorrow's Wednesday, and Karl's gonna bring our brick o' bud. Oh, and he's excited. That's cute. - Oh, that's really cute, Adam. - [Laughs] Hey, guess what, guys. My cuteness has nothing to do with this. Thanks for thinking I'm cute, though, but it has nothing to do with this, 'cause what I'm saying is, we didn't even smoke this week's weed! Whoa. I pride myself on being a real pothead. We've never gone a week without killing a brick, so let's smoke all of it tonight! You want to smoke all that tonight? - Yeah, man. - No, dude. He's right. We should smoke like no pothead's ever smoked before. How? We should have A bong fire. - Yeah! - All right. What does that mean exactly? We're gonna burn all of our weed in a bonfire? 'Cause I think that might be wasteful. Mm - Oh, yeah. - That's cool. - All right. - All right. Release the carb! - Oh-ho-ho! - Whoo! Oh! [Coughing] [Groans] Worth doing it. [Doorbell rings] - Finally! - Karl, where's the weed? Bad news, guys she's dead. - What? - She's dead. - Who? - My life as a weed dealer. All these pharmacies have been popping up, raping and murdering me left and right. - Freakin' prop 8. - Yeah. Where's the weed? The weed Is at my new weed pharmacy! - [Laughs] - What? I'm off the streets, and I'm operating out of a burrito stand. Burritos and weed? That'd be, like, the most amazing job ever. And the human genius is back in the building. Wait a second. And it's all legal? Yeah, I mean, as soon as I figure out how to fill out these eight forms. Jeez, Louise. You know, I always wanted to own my own business, just never had the nuts to take the risk. I also took the liberty of having a doctor friend of mine write you guys weed prescriptions, - so now you're legal. - Cool! So, Blake, you've got trouble sleeping, my man. - Uh - Wuh-oh. - That's not true. - It is now. And, Ders - You got migraines. - Hey, if you say so. And, Adam, you've got aids. I got aids! [Laughter] Deadliest one! I'm giving you aids! Aid tickles. Aid tickles. Oh, man. I don't have aids, though, right? No. Legal weed's gonna be pretty cool. - [Laughs] - [Coughs] Ho! Ooh, mama. Legal weed is awesome. Mm. Have you three lost your minds? Buh-bam! [Laughs] Whoa. It's our legal right to smoke weed on the job, 'cause, uh, I get migraines. I have what do I I have trouble swee I have trouble sweeping. And I have aids. Heard of it? Okay, just because you have a doctor's permission to smoke marijuana does not mean you can do it on the job. Put those out now! This job is dumb. This is stupid. You can smoke at, like, a ton of other jobs in California. - No, you can't. - Yeah, you can. Our garbage man smokes weed. - Yep. - That's true. At Karl's job, you can smoke weed. We should just quit this dumb job and work for Karl, man. Yeah, that's, like, a great idea. We could, like, eat burritos all day, smoke weed all day. That's, like, my two favorite things that and masturbating. If I could do that at a job, we could also maybe get a job at a sperm bank. You do masturbate here. I know. We both do. I've never jacked off here. Oh, my God, what is happening? Alice, baby, here's the deal. I guess what we're saying is you either let us smoke weed, which it's our right to do - Legally. - Or it's bye-bye, Telamericorp. We're out the door. - Good-bye. Bye-bye. - Okay? Work here or don't, 'cause it's no sweat off my balls. [Laughs] Okay. Okay. You don't think we'll quit? - Say we won't. - You won't. [Howls] Air raid, bitches! We're about to drop a bomb on you! That's right, losers. The day's finally come. We out this mutha. So, if you want to have Alice fry your brains into Velveeta cheese, go ahead, but we've got dreams of the American kind. You guys stay here, you might as well join the Taliban. So see you around, Taliban bitches! - [Giggles] - Peace. If Alice tells you that you can't smoke in here, she's lying. Know your rights. - Homey. - Idiots. Holy hell, man. What'd you pay for this? Oh, no, man, squatters' rights I've been living here for three months, - so it's legally mine. - There's a lot of good traffic. People will see it, and gnarly roadkill too. It's like a cannibal corpse album cover. - Ew. - Look at this. All right, so, uh, Adam, Blake, will you please clean that up and then hit the kitchen, start cooking? - [Laughs] - We're gonna clean it up? Wait, hold hold on. Hold on a minute. You're not the boss here, bro. - This place is mine. - That's right. Karl, I have business expertise, okay? Those eight forms you got hanging over your head as co-owner, I'll fill 'em out. - Hell, I'll fill out nine. - Oh, sound good, man. - This is what I do. - Perfect. - Right on, dude. - This is what I do. Good deal. All right, welcome aboard. - Wow. - Nice. - Okay. - Hey, uh, dudes Why don't you strap on some hairnets, uh, hit the back, grill some carne asada, smoke some weed. - Yeah. - Smoking weed now we're talking. And then it's roadkill duty. Hey, man, that sounds freakin' cool because you said the weed stuff and carne asada. I love those things. Since you guys are, like, co-owners and stuff I kind of wanted to run something by you - Okay. - And let me know if I can be co-owner with this idea. Weed and burritos you put the weed in the burritos. We call 'em "Burrweedos. " - What do you think? - Burrweedo! I knew you had a name. - All right, all right. - Not co-owner, but that's good. All right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Let's do this. - Boom. - Come on, buds. - [Laughter] - Best buds! - Best buds! - Come on! - Whoo! - Whoo! - Ow, ow! - Move your arm. Whoo! Number-one customer! Right here, front and center. God, I wish we had, like, a bell to ring. - Yeah. - Ding-ding-ding-ding, you know? - Oh, dude. - We're just excited about stop it, dude. What are you doing? - I said a bell. - I-I'll get one. What's up, man? What's up is, I'd like to have a large root beer, some chips and guac, and, um Let me try one of those Burrweedos, if you know what I mean. Oh, I know what you mean. One chips and guac and one Burrweedo! Hey, Karl, can we get my man a root beer, please? One root beer coming right up, man. I don't have change, but I will, so just step aside. - Dude - number two! What you want to do? We need six of those Burrweedos stat and extra Weedo, if that's a thing. Six Burrweedos with extra Weedo. Okay oh, great. Actually, you can just give that to him, and we're cool. Here we go one root beer for you, and I'm gonna go ahead and check on that order for you, make sure it's being made with the best buds. Come on, little chicken, do the chicken dance. I'm a little chicken. Do the chicken dance. Check this out. Take me to your dealer. - Like, what does that mean? - I saw it on a bumper sticker. [Laughs] Hey, dudes, how we doing with the burr what bumper sticker am I? I'm telling on you. Hey, Ders? What are you doing, man? - You got to see this. - Just a second. - What heads up. - Get in here! - Heads up. - What a freakin' bitch. - Look at these slackers. - Don't be a bitch, dude. - Karl, you want to handle this? - I'd love to. Guys, we got paying customers out there, okay? They can spend their hard-earned cash on anything! They could buy candy. They could buy cookies. They could buy band-aids. Ice creams? Both: Yeah. - Ring pops? - Yeah, ring pops, for sure. - Popcorns? - Duster? Like a jacket? They could go they could buy a duster jacket or the car. - Fun dip candy? - That's the point! They could buy anything, and what they want to spend their money on is our Burrweedos! And you guys are back here just chiefing the kind? - We blowing 'dro, bro. - Okay. - That's not funny. - Not no mo', nuh-uh. Hey, not anymore. - Guess what. - What are you doing, man? - Weed - What are you doing? Is coming up front with us. - That's right. - No! What are you doing? Give me that joint. You don't deserve it. Hey! Excuse me. - Hey! Excuse me! - That is uncalled for. We pay you to cook food, okay? Not bake your brains. We have a food critic coming tomorrow. - Yes. - Okay? And we need you guys to be 'rito pros, so please get to the orders. - Chop-chop! - Chop-chop. No one tells me to chop-chop. - Thank you. - You guys are great. You're good at your jobs. Okay, that's it. What do we have to make like, six Burrweedos or something? Something to that effect. How do you even make these things? Stupid. Ders and Karl they think they just know everything, right? Well, they don't. They don't know karate. That's one thing, and that's just one thing - off the top of my head. - Yeah. I'm a man of the people. I know what people want. I know what chicks want a tongue, a lot of tongue action. [Gasps] Oh, my God. I know what people want. How do you even fold these things, man? - Blake, I have an idea. - I swear to God, dude. Those chicks at Chipotle they're, like, warlocks walking amongst us. - Blake. - Huh? - I have an idea. - What? Well, I forget now, because you took too long to ask me what my idea was. - It's the weed, man. - It was the weed. - They say that - it affected [both laugh] Cheese. - What? - That was it. Get all the cheese. - Ooh, all the cheese? - All the cheese. I already like this idea, dude. - Boop! - Bap! The number two's more well, number one comes with one chip, so it is different, actually. Yo, so I don't mean to be a dick, bro, but, dang, what's up with that Weedo, man? Yes, sorry. Um, I'll be right back with your food. Okay? Sorry. Yeah, we'll handle this. Come on, boy, you got this! Get 'em! Get 'em! What the hell is this? Oh, check it out, man. It's Shaquille Burrit-O'Neal! What do you think? It's the world's largest burrito. We were gonna save it for the customer, but then were like, "that's crazy. Why don't we just" - set two world records. - Yep. Making and eating the world's largest Burrweedo. The American dream just keeps getting more, like, American-er! Hey! Shaquille Burrit-O'Neal sounds really freakin' cool, okay? But we got ten hungry people out there waiting for their Burrweedos, and that's really not freakin' cool. How about you chill with the tone, loc? Okay, you guys are off kitchen duty. That's a fact. You know what I got for you, boys? Check it out. Found it in the Karl space this morning. - Yeah. - Yeah. Street duty. Oh, you think I'm afraid of a little mascot action? Been there, done that. - This is bullcrap, man. - How old is he? - I don't know. - Are you kidding me? We're not wearing this thing, man. Are you frickin' crazy? It's, like, 100 degrees out there. This thing's like a hot box. Bees, please. Keep it 'drated. - You'll be fine. - Mm-hmm. We're out of here, man. Back to work! You're welcome for the waters. There you go! - Come get a burrito! - Yeah. Good. Good mascot voice. It's so frickin' hot in here, dude. The walls they're closing in on me, man. I'll get you. Here, you gotta reach - get me out! - I'm trying to there we go. - [Breathes heavily] - There you go. - [Coughs] - What the hell, Demamp? - Why'd you cave? - Oh, I don't cave. I blaze. What are you talking about, man? It's weed. It's blaze. I blaze weed. No, I know what it is, man - There you go. - But we can't smoke these. They'll see us. No, I got the idea from you, dude. Earlier when you said "hot box the suit," I was like, "let's smoke weed in the suits!" - Oh. - Right? If you smoke weed in the burrito, - they'll never know. - [Laughs] Did I look cool when I just said that? No, man. We look really stupid. Best bud Burrweedo! - Whoo! - These meats are tasty treats. Dude, this is rad! [Laughs] [Laughs] It's good, right? Best job I've ever had, man. I don't even feel hot anymore. Right? It's like a sauna. Like, I feel like I should be butt naked with a ton of my dude friends - just relaxing and losing weight. - [Coughs] And it's kind of hard to see in here, though, huh? Oh, whoa. Sorry, dude. Ah! Ah! I dropped the roach! Ah! I'm on fire! - Hey - [Screams] - You're going in the street! - Help! [Screams] Oh, God. You almost died. - [Screams] - Blake! - Adam! - Blake! I can't see anything, man! - I got you! I got you! - Oh, thank God. It's just me. It's just me. It's just me. Here, let's go this way. [Horn honks, both scream] Not that way. The other way. Ah! I'm trapped in here! - Oh, my God. - I'm trapped in here! Both: Aah! [Horn blares] Oh, thank you, dude! I could have been a corpse burrito, man! - Oh - [Screams] - Ow! - Oh, are you all right? Let's get you out of this thing. [Groans] Why, hello, there, miss Thang. Wow. Oh, damn. Are you all right, miss? I don't think so. My mouth! - Uh, yeah. What? - It doesn't look that bad. God. Hey. - Are you all right? - No! - Whoa, Jesus. - Why's it smell like weed? I think it's probably the skunk. Yeah, man, there's a skunk right there. I am so sorry that this happened. Stay the [Bleep] away from me! - Both: Ooh. - You got a dirty mouth. - Wee-woo, wee-woo. - I like that. Language alarm. I think we ought to fire you guys - is what needs to happen. - Yeah. Hey, you can't fire us, bud! We almost just died in these death traps. Hey, don't you sass him! We'll sass who we want to sass when we want to sass 'em. Oh, sass how it's gonna be, huh? - That's for you, baby! - Like will sasso! Let me show you something, huh? They don't respect what we've built, Karl. Maybe we should stop selling weed. People like the burritos just fine without it. Stop selling weed? You make me want to barf and then scratch your eyes out like a cat that's barfing! We got a food critic coming tomorrow! I don't care about food! Wait, wait, wait. He's right. He's right. - Get up. - [Grunts] - Stupid frickin' - no, no, no. Dude, dude, they're right. I know how important the food critic is to our dream. Cool. You once was lost, but now you found. Yes, sir. Now, pick up the roadkill like we asked this morning. Oh, we're picking up the roadkill. Trust me. We're not telling you. We're being cool. We're asking. I know. You're such cool bosses. This is such a better job than telemarketing, guys. Hey, what's up? Were you fatalitied by Sub Zero? 'Cause now you don't have a spine. Oh, no, no, no, no. Uh, get tha get the skunk. - I see what you're sayin'. - You do? - Ew, no, no, no, no - oh, it's all "coagluglated. " - Ew. - It's "coagulegulated. " [Spits] Morning. - Well, look who's up early. - [Laughs] - Hey. - All right. [Spits] Spit-shining the window that's awesome. Soap next time maybe, though, right? - Yeah. - Uh, sure. - Yeah, yeah. - Outfit brother. What? Oh, my God! - Look at this! - This is crazy. - It's like the same thing. - Oh, look it what are you saying? I have tits? No. It's a good color. - Don't - but it's tight. Oh, my dude, fire, fire in here! Ho! Ho! - Fire! - What's burning? Oh, good morning, guys. Figured we just get here a little early. Marinate the meat for the big-time food critic! Yeah. Uh, awesome. - Thank you. - No. Thank you, dudes. Getting up early and working hard, that's the American dream, dusty Rhodes. - Right on. Very well said. - Good for you. All right, you keep that grill hot, and we'll let you know when it's time to grind. [Laughs] We we will. - All right. - Love you, bitch. - Yeah, peace out, gang. - [Laughs] You're crossing your fingers, right? Okay, good. Thank God. - Testing, testing. - [Spits] We on the mic what are you doing? What did I tell you? Karl, come on. - I'm cleaning. - But oh, right, I'm supposed to use soup. - Soap. - Soap. Have you been using soup? Hi. I'm drew Darnell food critic for the Rancho Review. - Welcome! - I'm the reason the Togo's in rancho is never not packed. No kidding. Well, that sounds great. Why don't you take a seat, Mr. Darnell? And, uh, Karl, if you would just go - yep. Sure. - I'll be right back with your meal, sir. Okay, Mr. Darnell. Let's have you take a sit. Would you like any water? Maybe a flat faucet or perhaps some hose water? - I brought my own. - He's here. So please give us your best, buds. [Laughter] - Best buds! - Best buds. - Best buds! - Okay, okay. I get it. That's funny. Freakin' dick-ass. He's gonna love this. Ugh! A little cheese, lettuce, and now for the main event. - Okay, and is that his dick? - What is that? All right, let me really get in here. Yeah, there we go. Stab in there. Get in there deep. Yep. This is what they get for making us work like dogs, man. Killing our dream burritos and weed. - I'll hold it. - Okay, ready? - Stab it! Yeah. - [Grunts] Oh. Ew. Oh, something something popped. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! - Ringing the dinner bell. - Here we go. Ringing the dinner bell. I'm just ringing the dinner bell. I was saying we gotta get a bell. - Dinner is - Yeah. We got to get one. - Served. - It is our pleasure to serve to you what I would argue may be the finest burrito this little, plucky shop has ever whipped up. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Bon appe-teach. Okay. Thanks, guys. - You got it. - They're good boys. So it's gonna be about 1. 2 pounds - Mm-hmm. - Seven chips. It's a classic combo. It's a good weight. Uh, wait. Hang on a second. Um, yeah. This thing's cold. This thing's ice cold, guys. You're gonna want it piping hot. They're really good when they're hot Pfft. I'll take it, man. - Wait. It's - I'll take it. - It's cold, though. - What is this - beef or asada? - I don't know. We just added beef to our menu. Ah, I'll figure it out. - Oh, that's beef. - Oh, yeah? That was beef. Yeah. I love the beef one. Oh, excuse me. [Chuckles] - [Laughs] - Dripping a little bit. Hey, guys, if we could just get one more classic burrito out here for Mr. Darnell, that'd be great. Coming right up, boss! Yeah, get hold that up. Hold that up. - Scrape the maggots. - Oh, yeah. You're gonna dig this is solid stuff right here. - [Spits] - Here, let me get let me get some b-hole hairs. [Laughs] Nice. Ooh, ooh. - Good call. - Ooh! Ooh! Oh! - Ooh. - Oh, holy Moly. - Ew. - All right. - [Laughs] - Sprinkle, sprinkle. - What's the red sauce? - Mmm. I cannot wait for you to try this. And the juice is loose! - One juicy 'rito. - Very hot-- very piping hot. You're gonna enjoy. - All right, and it's classic? - It's so classic, Anders. Oh, yeah, I'd call it - an instant classic, for sure. - Mm-hmm. You're never gonna forget this one. - Mm-hmm. - Mmm. Yeah. [Both purr] - [Laughs] - Yum. - Oh! - So classic. - There it is. - Oh, okay! Okay, I think we all saw the steam shoot out of that one too hot. - I really don't mind. - No, let the man eat. Let's just get him another one. Why aren't you eating it? Do you not like the food here? I love the food here. It's really good. I just I don't need to eat it. - Why don't you eat it? - I don't like the food here. - He does not mean that. - The food here is it's good. It it's good. See? Mm. It's pink. I don't know what part that was, but - Ooh. - Mmm. That's not guacamole. - Both: Mmm. - Mm-hmm. Maggots, Anders. You're eating maggots. This is so good. Why don't we get one more burrito for drew Darnell, the man that could put best buds on the map? You're right. That would be awesome, 'cause this one is freakin' bomb. The thing about these burritos that I love is that you need one bite, and you're full. Boom shakalaka! Mmm. Dig in. Yeah, the whole table - can enjoy that one. - Mm-hmm. So we're done here, right? - Yeah. - Sure you don't want a bite? - Sure. - Ah! What the hell? Wait. Is there skunk in this burrito? - Yes! - Is there skunk in this burrito? Yeah, Karl, there is skunk in the burrito, because you two were acting like ass[Bleep], all right? This was supposed to be our dream, man. We quit our jobs for this. Now look at it. This place sucks. - I hate working here. - Yeah. It was supposed to be all about weed, burritos That was it. Just two dreams. You know what? You dudes are right. I was really acting like this nut sack too much. Thank God you realize that. I'm gonna go back to selling weed on the streets illegally, all right? And I don't care if you're - I'm selling weed to you. - Okay. Got the tween market on lock. I like that. Good, man, let's get back to the basics. I mean, half the reason I like doing drugs anyways is 'cause they're illegal. [Breathing heavily] Okay, so we took a risk, right? The least you could do is commend our efforts and welcome us back with open arms - strong ones, I might add. - Mm-hmm. And I did right then. Alice, the thing you need to think about is what would happen if you didn't hire us back? Yeah, like, all hell would just break loose. I mean, Waymond would go fully postal service by, you know, starting his own band. You'd probably have to go to the gigs. But look, here's the deal. We don't just want our jobs back. - Mm-mm. - We don't? We want a raise at least 50 cents an hour. Okay, check this out. You're back to your starting pay of $9. 00 an hour. $9. 00 an hour? - Are you kidding me? - What? - That is fantastic. - Wow. - Wow. - What? I mean, like, what, we make nine bucks? - I didn't know we made that much. - That's kind of a lot. - Dudes, American dream. - Thank you so much. - We're living it. - This job rules.