Appeasing the God

(The door to a wooden cabin flies open. Five teens walk in one after the other)

Curt Vaughn: Party weekend at the cabin! Let's all toss a football around!

Marty Mikalski: I say we all get hiiiiggghhh!

Holden McCrea: I really have some studying to do!

Jules Louden: Let's all have sex!

Dana Polk: I'm not having sex until I find that special someone. (simpers)

(Cut to a control room. Seth Green and Matthew Senreich are sat at computer desks, with Zeb Wells sat at a security desk behind them)

Matthew Senreich: Wow, now those were some efficient character introductions!

Seth Green: When you're making entertainment to appease the gods, you gotta be clear about it.

Zeb Wells: Wait a minute, what's this about gods?

Seth: Yeah, in the old days, a simple human sacrifice would do, but the gods got more sophisticated over time.

Zeb: Wait a minute! Isn't this exactly like that Joss Whedon movie, Cabin in the Woods, written and directed by Drew Goddard?

Seth: (appears by Zeb's desk) Oh, I think I hear Roger Ebert, but he can't talk anymore so...(jumps on Zeb's desk to yell in his face) WHO THE F**K ARE YOU?! (Turning away from a stunned Zeb, Seth presses a button on a remote control. In the cabin, a trap door opens up, with a staircase leading down to a basement)

Marty: I bet that basement is a great place to get hiiiigggghhhh! (goes down)

Curt: '(goes down into the basement) Maybe there's some footballs down there!

Holden: Or books for reading! (goes down)

Jules: Or a place to get our booonnneee on! (goes down)

Dana: Or a place to keep our penises flaccid and our vaginas dry. (she goes down. Cut to the control room)

Zeb: Wait, entertainment for the gods and you guys are in charge of it?!

Matt: There are lots of gods...(shows Zeb video screens with footage of numerous gods)

Seth: But currently only one god needs appeasing. (shows a video screen showing a teenager getting high and watching Robot Chicken)

Zeb: Wait, wait, guys, that god looks exactly like your average Adult Swim viewer!

Matt: Does he? Or do Adult Swim viewers look like him?

Seth: The point is, no one panders to Adult Swim viewers like we do. (Cut to the cabin, where the teens are examing objects left in the basement) The cellar is full of talismans; whatever they choose, that's what will kill them all!

Matt: (Dana picks up the novel Twilight) If she opens one of those books, they'll all be impregnated by vampires! (Cut to the Cullen family assaulting the group. A baby vampire bursts from Jules's stomach like in Alien)

Seth: (As Holden looks at a copy of Watchman) If he opens that book, Alan Moore will be very unhappy! (Sure enough, Alan Moore descends roaring from the ceiling, using tentacles made from his beard to attack the group)

Matt: (as one of them lingers over a Classic Football game) If he picks that up, they'll all become so bored that-

Marty: Hey check it out! A Robot Chicken Nerd action figure! (the Nerd suddenly appears)

Nerd: Hi, everybody! Ooh, it's spooky down here! Yuck is that a spider?! (Cut to the control room, where all three are watching in stunned silence)

Seth: (exasperated) Ok, the second thing they choose, that's what kills them all

Holden: Where'd he come from?! Oh come on, guys! We can't have two nerds! (A thrown axe hits Holden in the face. All turn round to see an axe wielding zombie Joss Whedon behind them. In the control room, Seth and Matt high-five while Zeb looks on in shock)

Matt: Zombie Joss Whedon! All right! Someone found the Buffy DVDs! (Sure enough, Jules discards a copy of Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Jules: Gross! I though this was a cheerleading documentary!

Zeb: Why is Joss Whedon a zombie?!

Seth: Punishment! We told him about this place over drinks, and next thing we knew, Cabin in the Woods was in theaters nationwide!

Matt: People weren't necessarily in those theaters...

Seth: Regardless, we made him a zombie. (In the woods, Zombie Joss Whedon is chasing the teens. He hurls his axe, severing Curt's legs at the knees)

Zombie Joss W: Now you cut short...like my TV series Firefly! (Jules leaps on him and starts punching)

Jules: You bastard! We were going to be together forever! (Zombie Joss pulls her off and punches his fist through her torso)

Zombie Joss W: That's short-sighted...like FOX execs when they cancelled Dollhouse. (Cut to Marty hiding behind a tree)

Marty: Being chased by a zombie fills me with anxiety...and you know what's good for anxiety? Getting high! (Joss appears, pushes Marty's bong through his skull to pin him to the tree, then chops his head off)

Zombie Joss W: F**k network tv...is the point I was making earlier. (Cut to the control room)

Seth: Ok, here's where it gets tricky; the virgin has to die last!

Zeb: We're three quarters of the way through this thing, and you drop that bombshell now?! (In the woods, Dana and the Nerd run for their lives. He trips over a bush, revealing a hole leading into the ground)

Nerd: Quick, I'm gonna get into the hole under the bush! (jumps down the hole)

Dana: The hell you will! (realizes) Oh. (she jumps down, and the two find themselves in a room full of glass-fronted cells, containing monsters and creatures from other Robot Chicken sketches)

Nerd: What is this place?! (Cut to the control room)

Matt: Uh-oh!

Seth: They discovered our zoo! (turns to Zeb) You know, our zoo of mythical creatures and monsters and animals that-

Zeb: Thanks, got it! (Cut to the zoo. The two pass by a cage holding Skeletor, who growls; Dana screams)

Nerd: Whoa, Skeletor!

Skeletor: (sarcastically) On my planet, you would be Nerdtor, Lord of Crusty Sock Mountain! (normal voice)Honestly kid, F**k off! (An axe hits the glass; Zombie Joss has caught up to them. The pair run, reaching a door which won't open)

Nerd: Oh no, it's locked!

Dana: Try pulling the switch that says unlocked! (she does, but all it does is unlock the cages, unleashing the creatures)

Nerd: Whoops, it turns counter-clockwise!

Dana: Just go! (she shoves the Nerd through the door, while the monsters attack Zombie Joss, who fends them off)

Zombie Joss W: Grrr! Arrgh! (Dana and the Nerd stop running in the corridor, next to a broom closet)

Nerd: Wait, I figured it out! We're re-enacting a horror movie! The virgin always dies last...

Nerd & Dana: (together) So I guess I'm next! Wait, you mean you're a-?! Me too!

Nerd: Wow! It's literally f**k or die! (awkward pause) Soooo....?

Dana: I haven't decided yet! (Zombie Joss Whedon fights his way free of the zoo and resumes pursuit)

Zombie Joss W: Grrr! Arrgh! (he stops by the broom closet, from which voices are coming)

Nerd: Wait a minute, so I put this in there?!

Dana: Yes! Then move it back and forth for about thirty to forty minutes!

Nerd: (groans) Finished! Thank you!

Dana: I waited twenty-three years for that?! (Zombie Joss Whedon collapses and disintegrates)

Nerd: We win! (Cut to the control room)

Seth: (stunned) I can't believe it. They won!

Matt: The earth is doomed!

Zeb: Holy crap! So now that god destroys us all?!

Seth: Maybe not! His generation is really sporadic with their viewing habits; he could catch it online in a few weeks or next year when the DVD boxset comes out-! (On the video screen, a scowling Mike Lazzo and Keith Crofford appear)

Seth & Matt: (resigned) Hi, Keith. Hi Lazzo.

Mike Lazzo: You dumb-asses realize you're cancelled, right?!

Seth & Matt: Yes. (both pull out guns and proceed to blow their brains out. Zeb grins)

Zeb: 'Looks like Adult Swim needs a new show! So there's this security guard named Zeb, he's tough but fair and his co-workers are all wacky but in different ways-

Mike Lazzo: I'm gonna stop you right there. Who the f**k are you?

(episode and segment ends)