The Dentist's Wife

1 I've been so distracted lately, mainly thinking about my marriage and and blah, blah, blah. You'll never leave him. Now focus up, girl! You're right! It's foolish to be talking at all when you bring out one of your A-list personas. I mean, it's so rare for the Samantha Kingsbury to make an appearance. Please, you sound just like my ski instructor in St. Moritz. I don't know if I can winter there again Who is that? Her? That's Meredith Fields. She's the most interesting and fabulous woman in Langley Falls. She can't be all that if I, Samantha Kingsbury, never heard of her. Meredith's pretty amazing. She runs the best book club in town. [Scoffs] Book club. I pretend skied in Switzerland. And she runs a charity to raise Awareness. [Scoffs] Charities. It's all about podcasts these days. She's even got time for the homeless. Time? I have sex with the homeless! Roger, she's married to a dentist. [Gasps] I can't believe you haven't met her. Correction, she can't believe she hasn't met me. Observe. Excuse me. Thank you. Oh, I just adore the service here. Can I trouble you for a glass of water? Thank you. Uh, before I order, you might want to get that couple first. They were here before me. Holy shit! She is amazing! She thought I worked here. You kind of do. Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The Sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the American race oh, boy, it's swell to say good good morning, U. S. A. Aah! Good morning, U. S. A. Whew! That crossfit workout was amazing. Coach Trey is awesome! Remember when he put a protein bar against his crotch and pretended to Jack off all over the yoga class? So funny. Oh, crossfit kicks so much ass! Give it a rest, Klaus. You're not a crossfitter. Yeah, but I'm totally gonna hit it when my shoulder feels better. Sure, fish. Guys, check out my abs. Jeff, hit me! - Now me! - [Gasps] Okay, plan we hit it hard today, so let's say we relax, grab some protein, then hit the sack early so we can crush tomorrow's workout. Oh, yeah. I'm already hooked. I am in for the swole enchilada. [All sigh] [Gasps] No! No! No! Roger, what are you doing? Samantha Kingsbury may not have been as fabulous as Meredith Fields, but there has to be a persona in here that could beat her. PTA rock star Mike Babcock the cool dad every mom at school wants to sleep with. I mean, bang. Nobody's sleeping when Mike comes a-creeping. Nope. I'm just gonna have to start from scratch. Come on, you'll drive. Where are we? Now you're asking? You're a real odd duck, Francine. Anyway, this is my magical persona factory. Oh, my god! Funny you mention him. This is where he was created. Or, rather, she. No, he. God's a he. And he's white. Francine: Roger, I have to ask [Bleats] What is your electric bill? Don't worry about it. [Electricity crackling] All my characters are conceived here. I'm sure you recognize some of my best work. And now, my best work needs to be better! Like a chef, I must pick the finest ingredients. All my work has led me to this moment The most fabulous persona I've ever birthed. And dry ice for effect. Get ready to meet Raider Dave! Oh, overcooked it. Boy, you add just one ingredient too many, and you end up raider Dave every time. All right, time for the morning work ouch! My body it's dead! Oh, my god! Why can't I move?! It must be from crossfit. Jeff?! Down here. I'm stuck, too. Do I hear that correctly? The entire family is unable to move? Klaus, thank god! Help us! Oh, no. Klaus is in charge now. I can finally have that birthday party you didn't let me have two years ago. We never stopped you from yes! The party! It'll be my party, with my favorite food. My favorite drink. And everybody's favorite song! No! Klaus! I like to move it, move it - I like to move it, move it - My ears! - Ya like to move it - It burns! [Music stops] Oh, I can't do this to you guys Without jacking that bass! - move it, move it - [All screaming] I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it [Classical music playing] Let's thank Sandra for her choice this month. "Little Women" was just a delight. By the end, after all Jo and the girls went through, it should called "Big Women. " Big Women? Try huge. Mm. Cecilia Takaru's the name. Born on a sleigh ride outside St. Petersburg. Closer to Tampa, actually. Or as us tampons like to call it, home of Hulk Hogan. - [Laughter] - My goodness, what a gas. Studied literature at space camp for four years, which, naturally, led me to franchise the chimdale Ikea. Not a stress-free job, but I have a handle on it. Sorry, I blacked out. Oh, yeah, "Little Women. " Alcott called it "Little Women" because she was challenging the male-centric "Huck Finn" and the role of females in a post-colonial America. Wow. Welcome, Cecilia. I'm not familiar with the space camp curriculum, but wasn't "Little Women" published 20 years before "Huck Finn"? In in space, time is very fluid. As Einstein hypothesized, stuff from earlier Might actually be from later. Pull it together. Einstein's theory of relativity. And to come up with that riding a strassenbahn in Vienna. I'd say it was a greater leap for mankind than the moonwalk. [Retches] [Tires squeal] Roger, what are you doing? Cecilia Takaru is a lie! All of these personas are lies! Well, yeah. Masks! They cover up the fact that I'm empty inside! Roger, that's not true! It took meeting someone as real as Meredith for me to see I'm like an onion. When you peel away the layers, there's nothing left except tears! [Sobbing] Aah! What are you doing?! No! Die! All of you! This is agony! I programmed them to feel burning. Back to crazy! Aah! [Screaming] Why would you do this? That was your life's work! That life is over. I'm done creating characters! I'm gonna live the rest of my days as the most boring person on the planet Me. Well, you have to put on something. I can't drive you around looking like an alien. Fine! Drive. Take me nowhere. It's the only place a nobody belongs. [Sobbing] [Car door closes] [Sirens wailing] [Explosion, glass shatters] [Roger sobbing] Oh, Roger, I can hear you sobbing in there, and it's breaking my heart. [Crinkling] I also hear you rubbing on stuff, probably our groceries. Roger: Probably. Just put on the emergency poncho and come sit up front with me. Formless and generic just like me. Well, we can zhuzh it up a little. Much better. But you need some hair. Pretty. Ugh. [Car door closes] I just know he did something terrible to this. [Car door closes] [All squawk] Come on, Tony, pick up, pick up. You've been calling people all afternoon. Face it, Klaus, no one's coming to your party. Trust me, my boy Tony always comes through. Hey, Tony! It's Klaus! Get your ass over here. There is a par-tay going on! Yeah, of course I'll give you the the deets. See? He wants the deets. Okay, usual deets. Personal pepperoni and small crazy bread. 45 minutes! Oh, he can't wait to party! That's Tony, bro! I got a double half-caff cappuccino, extra whip for Wait a second, there's no name. That's me. I don't deserve a name. Gah! This is awful! Do you know who I am? Make it again For no name. Why don't you just go by Roger? There is no Roger. Roger is just a collection of phony persona's to cover up an emptiness inside. You're not empty inside. You've just forgotten who you are 'cause you spend so much time being other people. So what's a person do when they've forgotten who they are? You could Volunteer for something. They say the best way to find yourself is in the service of others. "Awareness. A-where's yours?" [Chuckles] That's clever. This speaks to me. That's the flier for Meredith's charity gala. I don't think you should be around the woman who's got you wearing a mop on your head. She's exactly who I should be around, 'cause she knows exactly who she is. Ooh, phone Jack installation. This guy sounds like he knows who he is as well. Hmm, so it's down to these two. Piano lessons?! Wait, don't park in the CVS parking lot? This board is just knocking my socks off! Okay, so You take your water bottle, okay, and you just slide the label on. There. You just raised awareness. I think I felt it. Oh. Your bungee cord belt. [Groans] Look at your neat belt! Seems to have traveled on you. Thank you! And thank you for your help. Awareness is the first step before thinking about caring about a specific thing. You crawl before you walk. Walk before you run. Pee before you sex! [Laughs] Someone's got spunk! You're gonna do just fine. [Laughs] Oh! That means so much coming from someone like you. Sometimes, I don't have a lot of confidence. Don't be silly. You can be whoever you want. You're so kind. May I give you something? Well, what do we have here? Triangle. Now, isn't that a curious way to look at someone. [Reel 2 Real's "I Like to Move It" playing] Why didn't the pizza guy help us? 'Cause Klaus didn't tip him. An apple is a tip. [Doorbell rings] Thank god, somebody's here! Help! Yeah, party people! Help yourselves to some pizza. If anyone knows how to make jell-o shots, there's a half handle of Popov. Klaus, who the hell are these people? Oh, just some people I know through my friend Craig. You might know him. He has his own list. You invited perverts from Craigslist into my house? I like to move it, move it ya like to move it I like to move it, move it Babe! Dealing with my own thing here, Jeff. My glasses! Ya like to move it What's happening?! Something's wet! Oh, god! Something's wet! Nice to see you smiling again and not starting fires. Did you do something to your hair? It looks like Meredith's, right? She says I can be just like her. Don't forget you're supposed to be finding yourself! Yeah, yeah. Meredith! Meredith! Meredith! Meredith, hi! Oh. Oh, it's you. Is that my scarf? Did you change your hair? I don't think so. Do you like it?! I have the same haircut. Uh, Mer, I've got the band leader on the phone. I wrote some songs about awareness. You want to hear 'em? You're probably already thinking 'em 'cause we're so similar. Oh, my god, that's so us! - Meredith? - Yes? Yes? I mean I mean, why are you asking me? - I'm not Meredith. - We have to move up the news plug. Did you think I was Meredith? Do I look like Meredith? They need you on the air in five. Meredith, we've got big banner problems. Not now. I'm in the middle of something. Please, can you give us some space? Yes, can you all give us some space? Oh, right, sure. I'll I'll just go busy myself In o trash. That dumpster's got to be around here somewhere. Oh! Maybe it's in Meredith's master bedroom. I'll just take a quick peek. [Smooches] What are you doing?! Mer-Mer? Is that my nÃ©gligÃ©e? I'm so sorry. I just admire you so much, and I saw it, and and and oh, promise me you're not mad! What?! I'm extremely mad! We don't even know each other. - I mean, what's your name? - Meredith. But that's my name. I know! You told me I could be whoever I want. And I chose you. But I'm me. Mm, sorry. You're already taken. I'd like you to leave right now. And I'd like you to give me your pants, because we're so obviously the same size. Why are you acting like this? Gee, I don't know, Meredith two. Maybe it's because I'm standing here in my delicates like a crazy person! [Grunting] Oh, my god! She's out cold! What have I done? What do I do? What would Meredith do? Of course. The answer's right in front of me. [Doorbell rings] Why, hello there! Sorry to bother, but I'm looking for one of your volunteers. She didn't come home last night. Roger: [As Meredith] Who's at the door, dear? Oh, no. Well, I'll leave you two. I'm gonna go brush my teeth. Small circles, light pressure. [Both moaning] Roger, what the hell did you do? Where's Meredith?! Francine, everything's fine now. I put her on a barge, and now I'm her. A barge? You can't take someone's life like this! Why? Can't it just be like when we were kids? Oh, Franny, we'd draw pictures with red oceans and green skies and be who we wanted! And then play in the sprinklers till Mama called us for supper. Are you having a stroke right now? Forget it. I'm stopping this. That's barge talk, Francine. Roger, I am not going to sit here and [fog horn blares] Son of a bitch. He barged me. Meredith, are you okay? Some lunatic kidnapped me and dumped me here. Yeah, that's my friend. She's stolen your life. She's running your gala. Oh, and she may be having relations with your husband. No! My gala! [Reel 2 Real's "I Like to Move It" playing] Klaus, you've got to stop this party. The perverts have become emboldened. You've proven your point. You have a crew, okay? Now stop this! I don't know what's happening, but I think I'm moving! Tell me it's a good guy, please. Even if it's not true. - I like to move it, move it - [Doll squeaks] Stan, Hayley, Steve, Jeff! Trey! Trey! Trey! Trey! Do I hear Coach Trey? Party's over. Now pump up my workout jam. I like to move it, move it he like to move it, move it she like to move it, move it we like to move it, move it they like to move it, move it you like to move it, move it Three, two, one. Personal record. How did you know we were in trouble? After you didn't show up for your second workout, I figured something like this had happened. A lot of first-time crossfitters end up so sore, they can't move. It's the roofie of physical fitness. You should tell people that when they sign up. Hey, no problem. Now, I got to go back to my other job As a terrible marine biologist. See ya in the box! That's what we call the gym! [Classical music playing] [Drill whirring] It's me Jerry the dentist! [Cheers and applause] But tonight is not about me. Or the number-one family dental practice in the Langley-Langston -chimdale triangle. [Scattered applause] Tonight is about my wife. I give you Meredith Fields. [Cheers and applause] Where does awareness come from? Tell us! Tell us where! The sky! Everyone look up! Get him! [Sirens wailing] Maniacs! Hold it right there, imposter! I'm not the imposter! She is! Hey! [Sighs] Back to being nobody, I guess. Oh, Franny. How was the barge? Honestly Pretty great. Listen, I'm sorry. I know I went too far, but being Meredith, it just felt so good to be someone real. But you were nothing like Meredith. I didn't even do that right. You were you. You're always you, no matter who you're playing. 'Cause the real Roger is at the core of all your characters. You are real selfish and real horny and real violent and real sensitive. And just really Really amazing. Do you mean it? Do you honestly think I'm horny? The horniest. Thank you, Franny. You're not so not horny yourself. Where's the criminal? He's not a criminal. Unless it's a crime to bleed silver and black. Raider Dave! This is our year! Raider Nation will rise again! [Whooping]