The Garden Party

I am not a prophet.

But sometimes I have prophetic dreams.

Like the one where I was at a garden party.

Excuse me.

Everyone, I have a brief announcement to make.

Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the devil, and the government is lyin' about 9/11.

Thank you for your time and good night.

No! That can't be true! Unhand me! Hi-ya! He's on fire! Somebody get some water.

Ow! Mm-hm.

You havin' that dream where you made the white people riot, weren't ya? But I was tellin' the truth! How many times have I told you, you better not even dream about tellin' white folk the truth? You understand me? Shoot.

Makin' white people riot.

You better learn how to lie like me.

I'm gonna find me a white man and lie to him right now.

? I am the stone The builder refused ? ? I am the visual The inspiration ? ? That made lady Sing the blues ? ? I'm the spark That makes your idea bright ? ? The same spark That lights the dark ? ? So that you can know Your left from your right ? ? I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun ? ? The inner glow That lets you know ? ? To call your brother sun ? ? The story that just begun ? ? The promise Of what's to come ? ? And I'm a remain a soldier ? ? Till the war is won ? ? Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ? ? Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ? ? Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ? ? Chop, chop, chop ? ? Work it out, yeah? ? Everybody work that body Move your body ? ? To the beat ? ? Everybody move that body ? ? Oh, yeeeaaah ? ? Yeah ? Sorry, Billy Blanks, but why buy the tape when you can get the infomercial for free? Whew! What the hell? Boys! Would one of y'all like to explain this? Uh You mean, the orange juice or the miniskirt? Which one of y'all drank the last glass of orange juice? That's the last full day's supply of vitamin C.

What am I supposed to do about my vitamin C now? Y'all need to start appreciatin' your granddaddy.

I went and spent your inheritance on this beautiful house in this neighborhood.

And all I ask you to do is act like you got some class.

Hey, what's class? It means don't act like niggas.

S-see? That's what I'm talkin' about right there.

We don't use the N-word in this house.

Granddad, you said the word "nigga" 46 times yesterday.

I counted.

Nigga, hush.

Now, you may not like it, but I moved y'all out here to expand your horizon.

There's a new white man out here.

He's refined.

For example, did you know that the new white man loves gourmet cheese? Wait.

I'm sorry, did you say cheese? Yep, cheese.

You give the meanest white man a piece of cheese, and he turn into Mr.

Rogers.

Granddad, that doesn't make sense.

Don't you talk back to me.

Granddad, you can't tame the white supremacist power structure with cheese! Oh, yes, I can! No, you can't! Yes, I can! No, you can not! Cheese.

How can somebody that old say somethin' that stupid? I know about white people too.

Like, when they talk, they say the whole word, like this.

Why'd he even move us out here? Probably did it just to make us miserable.

And white people take time out to study.

I hate this place.

And white people arrest you.

Man.

Hey! Looks like the feds.

Who the hell could be knockin' on this door this early in the mornin'? If it's a Jehovah Witness, I'm kickin' his ass.

Yes? I'm looking for Robert Freeman.

I'm Robert Freeman.

I'm Ed Wuncler.

From Wuncler's Savings and Loan.

Uh, so? I own the bank that owns your house.

Oh, well Come in, sir.

Welcome to your house.

Robert, my family founded Woodcrest over 170 years ago.

I was born here, and I still live here.

I consider this place to be family, and I'm very selective about who I allow in to that family.

You understand what I'm saying, Robert? Hey, yes, I totally understand.

Would you like some cheese? Did you just offer me cheese? Yes, I did.

I'd love some cheese, thank you.

Hm.

Riley! Go get the fancy cheese.

I'd like to ask some questions, if you don't mind.

Are you gay, and if so, do you have a gay lover living with you in the house? Gay? No, I'm not gay.

I mean, I happen to think a man looks nice with good hair and a ponytail.

But, no, mm-mm, I'm not gay.

What's your position on gay marriage? Well, first of all, I believe all marriage is wrong.

Good one, good.

Uh, you don't look like you associate with any Muslims, Arabs, you know.

People of terrorist descent? Uh, well We got Kraft, and we got Velveeta.

Your grandson? Afraid so.

Ahem.

You know, I have a grandson too.

He's Is that right? Well, heh-heh-heh, this has been delightful.

Well, it's really been a pleasure, Mr.

, uh I-Own-Everything.

We should get together soon and have, uh more cheese.

Like a nice Brie or a G-Gouda G-Gayda- Gouda.

Heh.

You know, you're my kind of guy, Freeman.

Old school.

What are you doin' tomorrow? We're throwin' a garden party for my grandson.

He just got back from Iraq.

You should stop by, meet some of the neighbors.

Bring the kids.

Sounds like a splendid idea.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Uh, thanks for stoppin' by.

Cheers.

Huey! This damn thing looks real.

Can I have my gun back? Son of a-! A garden party? Yeah, boy.

I might buy sandals and new underwear.

Oh, you shot me! Granddad tried to assassinate me.

Boy, what did I tell ya? This is the new white man.

He's distinguished.

Granddad, I do not sip tea with the enemy.

You could force me to go, but you cannot force me to be someone I'm not.

The hell I can't! You gonna go and you're not gonna embarrass me in front of my new neighbors, or I'm gonna beat your ass.

Why can't we be ourselves, huh? Why can't I be me? Are you ashamed of us? Very.

We never asked to move here with your precious new white people, Granddad.

Didn't ask? Well, you didn't ask for us to be attacked by dogs and fire hoses, so you can live here, but we did it anyway.

Oh, here he go again with the dogs and the fire hoses.

Shoot, we were attacked by dogs and fire hoses.

Were you attacked? I-I don't know what difference that makes.

Because it's like the whole generation tries to take credit for what happened to some people.

That's ridiculous.

Now, see- Well, you know Uh, what had happened was Get out of here.

Go, go, go! Come on, get out of here.

Aw, man.

I missed it.

Was it bad? Did they do the thing with the fire hoses? What do you think, chump? Damn, what's eatin' you? A goddamn German shepherd, that's what.

Where was you? I-I had to go back to the apartment 'cause I forgot my raincoat.

You went to-? You-? This nigga went to get a motherfuckin' raincoat.

I can't believe you.

We all been watchin' the same news.

The police been doin' this fire hose thing all week.

I just assumed we'd all wear our raincoat.

Damn it, Robert.

Who the hell comes to a march with a raincoat? Bet you wish you had a coat now.

You son of a bitch! Remember what Dr.

King said! Who actually got hit with the fire hose ain't important.

Now, we goin' to this party, and your black asses are gonna behave.

If I'm lucky, I'll find myself a nice white woman with a flat booty who'll listen to my problems.

Now, the word for the day is "behave.

" H-E-A-V-E.

Behave.

I'm comin', I'm comin'.

Excuse me.

Out of the way, Kunta Kinte! Yes, sir.

How can I help ya? Excuse me? Oh, Lord have mercy.

Security.

Security.

We got a Code Black.

Code Black at the main gate.

Ruckus, what the hell is a Code Black? There are some hungry-lookin' niggas at the front gate.

What y'all doin' here? Deliveries are in the back.

Well, my name is Robert Freeman, I was invited here by Ed Wuncler.

Well, I'm Ruckus.

Uncle Ruckus, no relation.

And I work for Mr.

Wuncler.

And you slick niggas ain't gonna fast-talk your way into this here party.

Ruckus, what the hell are you doing? Uh, Mr.

Freeman, I'm sorry.

Please, come this way.

See, boys? And you thought we'd be the only black people.

Robert! Glad you made it, Robert.

This is my grandson, Ed III.

How are you? Whassup y'all, what's good? Uh so I understand you just got back from Iraq.

For real? Yo, what's it like? What's it like? What I supposed to say to that? It was cool, there was bitches? Okay, there was bitches, but a lot of them had, you know, they was covered up in them curtains and stuff they be wearin'.

But I digress.

It was war! It was war, basically.

War, you know what that's like? Motherfuckers be, like, shootin': Bombs blowin' up.

And, you know, the shit scared me.

It scared the shit out of me.

Matter of fact, I shit on myself over a dozen times and ran out of toilet paper after the second time.

So you know what that meant, right? I had to use the thumb, man.

It was kind of nasty.

But, you know, the good thing about it was they stopped taking me out on patrol.

'Cause my name became "Stink Bomb.

" You know what I'm sayin'? They said, you know, I was giving away our position because of the shit smell.

That was fine with me, you know what I'm sayin'.

They- They wanted to leave me back.

And I was like: "Well, fuck y'all.

"Y'all go ahead on 'cause I don't need y'all anyway.

I'm rich, bitch.

" The fuck y'all looking at? Hey, li'I man.

Like guns? Yeah! C'mon.

Come on, let's get that drink.

Well, you should definitely see The Passion.

It's a very important movie.

Couldn't see it.

White Jesus.

Excuse me? Come on, man.

It's supposed to be all historically accurate, and they still have a white man playin' Jesus? That's some old bullshit.

Young man, you speak so well.

Well, la-di-da-di-do.

Look like we got us the winner of the Lucky-Nigga-of-the-Year award.

Ah.

They must think the sun shine out your ass.

Mr.

Wuncler's been very nice, yes.

They must think you Sidney fucking Poitier.

Well, I been workin' for Mr.

Wuncler for 20 years.

I ain't never got invited to the party.

Shoot, he don't even let me use the front door.

But you wouldn't know about that, now, would ya, Mr.

Tibbs? Oh, yeah.

They must think your shit smell like spring daisies and cinnamon.

Check this out.

Wow.

Are those real? Real? Put it this way: if I pick one up and put it to your face, pull the trigger, will you be dead? And all I'm saying is, Ronald Reagan was the devil.

You are such an articulate young man.

I'm tryin' to explain to you that Ronald Reagan was the devil.

Ronald Wilson Reagan.

Each of his names has six letters.

Six-six-six.

Man, doesn't that offend you? I love this kid.

Stop that.

What are you doin'? Stop clappin'.

Having a good time, Robert? I-It's, uh Come on, have a drink with me.

You look nervous.

Do I make you nervous, Free-man? Nervous? No.

I was just, uh, keepin' an eye out for the boys.

This is a lovely party.

The only joy I get from these parties is standing around, telling mean-spirited jokes at other people's expense.

I do that too.

Check out that guy.

Why is his face all twisted up like that? Looks like he jacks off with Icy Hot.

He looks like he just shit a gerbil.

A gerbil.

Sorry, I'll be right back.

Tell me this, why was all the video recordin' of the Pentagon attack seized by the FBI and never seen again? He speaks so well.

He's adorable.

Are you even listenin' to what I'm sayin'? Nigga, if you ruin this party for me, I'll put my- Ruin the party? They love me.

These people aren't worried about us.

They're not worried about anything.

They're rich.

No matter what happens, these people will just keep applaudin'.

Ahem.

Attention please.

My name is Uncle Ruckus, no relation.

I want to sing y'all a brand new song I just wrote called: "Don't Trust Them New Niggas Over There.

" Sing along if you know the words.

? Don't trust them new niggas Over there? ? Leavin' they nigga essence In the air? ? Them happy Nappy-head niggas? ? With their fingers? ? On the triggers? ? Don't trust them new niggas Over there? Are you sure that vest'll stop this shotgun? Man, I'm like the Terminator in this vest.

? What the hell They doin' here anyway?? What? You don't believe me? Go ahead! Pull the trigger.

Now, are you sure that-? I said pull that trigger now! You wanna play rough? Okay.

? Don't trust them big nostrils Over yonder? ? They'll suck up so much air It'll make you wonder? ? Don't trust them new niggas? ? With their squatty little Nigga-figures? ? Don't trust them new niggas? ? Over there? I think the N-word is okay, as long as they say it.

See? Say hello to my little friend.

Fuck y'all lookin' at? Hey, you think we in trouble? You shot his grandson out the window.

What you think? I don't know.

I didn't want to move here, but I don't really want Granddad to lose his house.

He worked his whole life to get here.

Man, I like that house.

Oh, well, I shot a nigga! Mr.

Wuncler, I'm sorry about the whole, you know, my grandson shooting your grandson out of the window thing.

Are you mad? In 30 years, that boy will be the president of the United States.

And he'll still be a fucking idiot.

Whew.

Now, are we gonna have that drink or what? Glad you were able to make it, Robert.

To the old school.

To the old school.