Escape from Pearl Bailey

Debbie, how I've missed your juicy beanbag-chair lips. - Let's not ever break up again. - Never again. This would be awkward if we had any semblance of social skills. They're making puberty. Gentlemen, you remember the Debster, the D train, the Deb-a-leb-ding-dong. Steve, we're here to debate which futuristic sci-fi costumes we'll be wearing to mess with those losers at the Renaissance Fair. Was that this period? Guess it slipped my mind. It's cool. I need to get to biology anyway. See ya, guys. We narrowed our choices down to "Viper Pilots from Galactica," Pre-crime Cops from Minority Report,"or Steve? Debbie's really packing it on? Thirsty. Hang on. Buffaloes rules! The student council bought a buffalo? Look, everybody, Steve Smith's got a buffalo, too. My girlfriend doesn't walk on hooves, madam. And as far as I know, she's never been hunted near extinction! That's right. Say words. Forget it, Steve. - But - Don't stoop to their level. I can't believe what this school is coming to under Lisa's leadership. Last week I was at a mandatory pep rally, and they threatened to kick my ass because I wouldn't give them an O. I mean, I just gave them a G. What, am I made of letters? It's frustrating, but what are you gonna do? Debbie, the solution has been right under my Keds this whole time. You could run for student council president! Me? That's ridiculous. You represent the disenfranchised masses: the nerds, the dweebs, the spasses. Together, we're unstoppable. Not the best-looking group, but unstoppable. Look, Steve, politics just isn't my thing. Let's get to Biology. It's fetal pig day. Sorry, no fetal pigs this year. Couldn't afford them. Student council shifted money from the science department so they could hire a pricey buffalo groomer. So we've got a live buffalo, but no dead baby pigs? That's it. I'm running for president. Has anybody seen that buffalo? If I'm gonna get his highlights in by tomorrow, I've got to get him in the chair now. And so, fellow students, when you cast your vote for class president, keep me in mind. I may not understand your obsession with a 30-year-old British TV show or the challenges facing Christian weightlifters or the goals of the League of Redheaded Gentlemen. But I do understand how it feels to be a powerless outcast. We all deserve a voice in student government. I hope you'll let me be that voice. Thank you. That was good. Not great. You forgot to pander to the Eagle Scouts, we can plant a story in the school paper saying you collect compasses. I know a reporter. He owes me. Hello. "Competition", what are you trying to prove running against me? You should know that you're opening yourself up to ridicule. There are some mean people at this school. Is that a threat? You gonna sling some mud? We can sling it right back, sister. You want to get nuts?! Come on! Let's get nuts. No, Steve. When we win, a fiscally sound marching band will be our response. Till then, enjoy this "Vote for Debbie" windshield scraper. We're gonna destroy you, you fat cow! Where is this fat cow? I have some fresh new styles that can get any bovine ready for summer. Happy birthday, buddy. Steve! Steve, I knew you wouldn't miss my birthday party! Birthday party? Right. You know who will stand up for birthday parties? Debbie. And she sure could use your vote tomorrow. - Take some literature. - Slow down. Barry was about to blow out his candles. I've been practicing not spitting. No time. I still have to go canvass the chess team, the Baggy Pants Mafia and the Jews who run the AV Club. I'm running on fumes, man. Vote Debbie! This is the worst Christmas ever. School paper just called the boy's locker room for Lisa. We expected that, but the exit polls from the math department are trending in our direction. We did our best. It's in the hands of the voters now. Hey, Debbie. Are you okay, Pandora? You look a little down. There's something in the computer lab you need to see. "Not only is Debbie Hyman not fit to be president, she isn't fit enough to wear people clothes. " "Debbie is a big slut who makes fun of the freaks she claims to represent. " Shut up! Shut up I say! Who did this?! Lisa Silver! The popular girls, I knew it! Turn off these computers! No, not good enough! Destroy the Internet! What is this, mahogany? Thank you all for electing me to another term. My first order of business: doubling the number of pep rallies for our awesome sports teams! She lied and cheated to win! - Aren't you pissed off? - Sure, but that doesn't mean I need to stoop to their level. I'm gonna go eat that chocolate crucifix I've been saving. Guess you guys heard Debbie lost. Now Steve can play with us again! Hey, the man's lady was just publicly humiliated. - You okay? - I will be, Snot. Debbie may not want to stoop to their level, but I've been stooping my whole life. I'm gonna destroy Lisa Silver and those bitches that helped her post that slam page! Oh, no, no, This is my promotional lunchbox from that Cartoon Network show about the bundle of dynamite who lives with a talking burrito. Still, my revenge will be harsh. Steve, you can't be seriously be thinking of going after Lisa Silver and her minions. Don't try to talk me out of this. None of you can understand defending the honor of a woman none of you have girlfriends. Yes, Toshi, there is a way you can help me. So it begins. Perfect. This just enough cash to bankroll my revenge schemes. Daddy, it's perfect! After that negative pregnancy test, you've earned it. Oops, that's the clutch. You think Debbie's a buffalo? I'll show you a buffalo. Thanks for seeing me on such short notice, Doc. Last week, I accidentally ate a cookie. Well, any excuse to put you under and chew on your feet. You're funny. Yes, I'm funny. All right, I'm just gonna give you a little anesthesia. Doctor, Frankie Muniz is on line one. - He says he needs a new face. - I got to take this! I'll be right back. Hello, Janet. You think Debbie's fat? I'll show you fat. I'm suing, you hear me?! Suing! It's very simple, madam. I'd like you to turn a trick-- to use the parlance of your profession-- with my stuffed friend here. Whoa, whoa! Just 'cause you do that in the woods doesn't mean you can do that on my chest. You think Debbie's a slut? I'll show you a slut. - Slut. - Slut! Slut! Slut! Slut! Slut! Slut! Got my revenge. That's great, honey. It was nice of Steve to acknowledge us this week, even if it was only this once. You're in a good mood. And I bet I can guess why. I know! My insurance agreed to cover my degenerative joint medicine! I meant you must think it's pretty cool what happened to Lisa Silver and her friends? Sure. That's karma for you. No, that's not karma. That me-- your boyfriend. I got revenge on them and defended your honor. That was you? Steve, after all I said about not stooping to their level, how could you possibly think I'd want that? Because a woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets. James Cameron, 1997, Titanic. You know what? You're no better than them. We're through. Wait. This can't possibly end badly. You're my first girlfriend. It'll be okay, buddy. You know what? You're better off without her. She's not fit enough to recalibrate your tricorder. Or fit enough to wear people clothes. That's the same lame joke from the Web page. I mean I'm Barry. Hey, which would win in a battle, the Death Star or Carl Sagan's Spaceship of the Imagination? Did you guys have something to do with that slam page? - So you admit it. - I'm Barry! Fine, you got us. Look, we never thought it would go this far. We just wanted you back with our crew. And if Debbie was president, you'd be so busy being First Lady - we'd never see you again. - Do you have any idea what you've done? Because of you, I destroyed three innocent girls, lost Debbie and jammed laxatives arm-deep into a buffalo! - Our friendship is over! - You should thank us. We saved you from suffocating under her. Is that a fat joke?! Yeah. Yeah. - I guess it is. - I'll kill you! You did this to us, Steve Smith. What? No. Justin's uncle owns the mask store. According to his receipts, only one person bought a Hopi Indian revenge mask in the last 50 years. I I It was all their fault! They put up the slam page and framed you. I never would have done those things if it weren't for them. Then we'll just beat you all up. I'm going to kick the fat one's head in. I'm going to break the fat one's spine. I'm popular. Look, ladies, I-I realize you must be angry, but you can't just beat us to death on school property. Principal Lewis. Thank God, we're saved. Sorry, Smith. I've ordered my administration to turn a blind eye to these proceedings. - Thanks, Daddy. - Janet's your daughter? How come you never mentioned this before? Because I'm ashamed of her for more reasons than you can imagine. Still, that's my little girl, man. Attack! Escape plan ten-delta. - Damn it! - Easy, girl. They belong to the bleachers now. Steve, help Barry. You were going to let Barry get chopped up back there. And I'd do the same to any of you. Look, Steve, we don't like you and you don't like us. But if we want to survive this, we need to work together. Fine. But after that, we're through. Okay, we're here. At 3:15, my mom will be waiting for me in her SUV here. If we can get to her, we'll live. Also she'll have snacks. Healthy snacks, but snacks. But look at all these turfs we need to pass through: the art club, the future farmers, the young auctioneers. None of those gangs are affiliated with the jocks or the cheerleaders. They have no reason to bother us. Hey, there, big boys and girls, four dangerous nerds are trying to escape school-sanctioned mob justice. Whoever catches them gets the $500 I keep sticking out of my pocket to make you kids think I'm rich. We're dead. We need to get to that door, but how? The stage is lousy with drama geeks. Actors killed Lincoln. I don't know, Steve. That's a long cross, and we don't have any dialogue. We don't need any dialogue. All we need is some physical business. Hey, somebody's stealing focus. It's those nerds. Seize them. Wait, remember your Galactica. The best way to destroy a Cylon fleet Is by taking out it's Basestar. Hey, Evan, I found your portrayal of Conrad Birdie to be entirely too contrived. - You did? - Your method is flawed. What does he know? You totally found every moment. I never wanted to say bye-bye to your Birdie. Word is, those nerds managed to put the slip on the drama geeks. Guess it's up to the stoners to take them down now. Lunch tomorrow will be fish sticks and tartar sauce. Stop right there, dudes. You're not getting past. Hey, if people can get past, can they also get future? Run! Nice gambit, Barry. Where did you learn how to confuse stoners? My mom does bongs. Where are we? Smells like a Depeche Mode concert. No! We're in goth territory. Yeah, well, no one's here. Let's keep moving. - That reward money's ours. - But first, the ritual of the rusty dagger I bought from a vampire on eBay. Stop! Let the nerdy one go. The scrawny nerdy one. The scrawny nerdy one with glasses. You're rescuing me? I thought you never wanted to see me again. That was before those cheerleaders started hunting you. It was easy for me to say, "Don't stoop to their level" when they were picking on me, but when it's someone you care about, well I understand now why you went all nutter butters. Debbie, baby bear is coming home. They're in the stairwell! Let's get you out of here. Not so fast. We're still getting that reward money for the rest of you. Steve, come on. I'm sorry, Debbie, but if running for my life with these guys has taught me anything, it's that they're my friends. And I need to find room in my life for you and them. So, if you're gonna turn them over to that mob, you can turn me over with them. - Let them all go. - But Debbie, we were gonna use the reward money to buy a real cat skeleton. Give it up. We all know that you went to tennis camp last summer. Go. I'll hold them off. You shall not pass! That's my mom's SUV. We made it! And all because we worked together. As long as we stay friends, there's nothing we can't Crap, we should have been running instead of wrapping up. Well, guys, we won't survive this, but we might as well go out in a blaze of glory. Together as friends. - Best friends. - Best friends. Okay, let's do this. If we're lucky, we might just take a few of them with us! We're not taking any of them with us! Previous Episode