I Changed My Mind About the Milk

1 JAKE: So, to make a long story short, they say it's my fault for leaving the pistol on the seat of the Jeep. I say it's the general's fault for sitting on it. But either way, I'm not allowed to have a gun for a while. And a weary nation breathes a sigh of relief. Yeah, yeah, terrific. Um, so, they've got you working in the kitchen? Yeah, we call it the mess. SERGEANT: That corn's not gonna cream itself, Harper! Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. Uh, I got to go back to work defending our nation against terrorists and whatnot. Take care of yourself, buddy. Don't worry, Dad. I'm being all I can be. Wow. Yeah. Seems like just yesterday he was an adorable, chubby-cheeked little boy catching a Frisbee on the beach in Santa Monica. Now he's a fuzz-faced buck private catching the clap from a whore in Tijuana. WALDEN: Hey, guys. What do you think? Oh, yummy. You look like the maitre d' in heaven. What's the occasion? It's Zoey's birthday. Oh, well, tell her happy birthday. What are you gonna give her? The rest of my life. Beg your pardon? I'm gonna ask her to marry me. Hello. Are you serious? Absolutely. Wow, wow, that's, uh What he's trying to say is, once you're married, where's he gonna live? No, no, stop, please. No, what I'm trying to say is, I think it's wonderful, and I'm very happy for you. I figured, why not, you know? I mean, I love her, I love her daughter. Yeah, it's win-win for everybody. Gonna miss you. Hey, I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I was hoping you'd be my best man. Oh, uh, Walden, I'd be honored to be the best man at your wedding. (chuckles) What's so funny? You wouldn't be the best man at the Dinah Shore Golf Classic. (chuckles) All right, you can be the maid of honor. (laughs) Okay, I got to go. Good luck with Zoey. Oh, thanks, but I mean, come on. How about that? The kid's getting married. Yeah. Crazy, huh? If I looked like him, I wouldn't take myself off the market. Is that so? Oh, yeah, I'd be out there every night wearing my penis down to a nub. It would look like a golf pencil. Hey, a golf pencil does a lot of scoring, lady. Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ Men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ Ooh ♪ Men, men, manly men ♪ Ooh ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ Ooh ♪ Men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ Ah. ♪ Men. ♪ Original Air Date on September 27, 2012 Men. ♪ This is magnificent. As are you. (chuckles) Happy birthday. Thank you. Zoey, my life is so much better with you in it. Aw. (giggles) The first time I saw you, it was like fireworks. Did you I did. (chuckles) And when I hear your voice it's like music. (louder): Music. Sorry. (plays quietly) Oh, God, Walden, all this for my birthday? Not just for your birthday. You see, Zoey, when a man loves a woman he can't keep his mind on nothin' else. Okay, I'm totally lost now. He'd give up all his comforts and sleep out in the rain, if she said that's the way it ought to be. Wait, that's from some song. No, no, not some song; a great song. Bolton, you're up. When a man loves a woman ♪ He can't keep his mind on nothin' else ♪ He'd trade the world ♪ Get up, get up. Stop it. Zoey Hyde-Tottingham Pierce If she's bad, he can't see it ♪ will you do me the honor of becoming She can do no wrong ♪ Zoey Hyde-Tottingham Pierce Schmidt? He'd turn his back on his best friend ♪ If he puts her down ♪ When a man loves a woman ♪ Deep down in his soul ♪ No. I'm sorry. I can't do it. She can ♪ (guitar stops) Zoey! When a man loves a woman ♪ Shut up, Bolton! Men. ♪ So, after they get married, I don't know what I'm going to do. Oh, Alan, don't be coy. If you want to come live with me, just ask. Can I come live with you? No. Come on, Mom, I'm gonna be homeless. Once he marries her, I'm gonna be living on the street. Try to pick a street in Beverly Hills so I can visit you. (doorbell rings) Does this guy belong to you? Michael Bolton? (slurring): Hi, Alan. Uh, yes, bring him in. What happened? She said no. Oh, oh, Walden, I am so sorry. When I proposed, she just ran out of the restaurant. Now she won't return my calls or e-mails or texts. It's like she's ignoring me across the entire digital spectrum. It's like she's Amish. So you went out drinking and ended up picking up Michael Bolton? No. I hired him to sing while I was proposing. I should've gone with Josh Groban. Wait, you're gonna blame me for this? I'm gonna call her again. EVELYN: Oh, my stars. Michael Bolton. I have a vibrator named after you. Zoey, why won't you answer? Was it something I did? Was the ring not big enough? Was it Bolton? Hey! Okay. Screw it, I just can't sit around here. Come on, Bolton, let's go find her. I'm not gonna go looking for your girlfriend. Why don't you see if Groban's available? Hey, I bought and paid for your ass until 10:00. It's 10:01. So now you can kiss it. Fine, I'll just drive myself. Oh, no, no, hang on, hang on. You can't drive. I'll take you. See, you're a good friend. You're dead to me. I can't believe the things I do for money. You won't believe the things I'll do for free. Men. ♪ I really, really think you ought to wait till tomorrow to do this. No, no, I need to know why. Not a good idea. See, it's like asking a woman why she won't sleep with you. You always hope that it's 'cause you're too big and you'll ruin her for other men. But no, it's usually 'cause she sobered up and got a good look at you. Oh, Walden. (groans) (groans) That's the sound they make. We need to talk. Can we do this tomorrow? Let me use a word that you're fond of: "No. " Have you been drinking? Let me use a word that you're not fond of: "Yes. " She's right, Walden. You can come back tomorrow. No. I'm not leaving until I get an answer. Walden, please. Zoey, I need an answer. Oh, it's complicated. No. Peeing with morning wood is complicated. True. That thing is like a Water Wiggle. Once, I shorted out a light socket in the ceiling. I've done that. Yeah. Saying yes to someone who loves you more than life itself is not complicated. Fine. Do you really want to know? I really want to know. Oh, hang on, hang on. Okay, okay. This is a textbook example of what I was talking about earlier. When a woman says, "Do you really want to know?" you think you want to know, but trust me, you don't really want to know. No, I really want to know. There's someone else. You're right. I did not want to know. It's someone I was involved with many years ago, and he's having a very, very rough time and and he needs me. Oh. Well, that clears it up. Hey, if you like hanging out with guys who are down on their luck, why don't you just shack up with my loser friend? Um, I'm actually not available. (groans) Men. ♪ Men. ♪ Wait a minute, there's another guy? Yep. Better than Walden? Apparently. I'm sorry, unless this new guy can fly around the room and shoot fire out his ass, that bitch is crazy. Hey. Well, hey, look who's finally up. How you feeling, buddy? A little hungover. Berta, you got any pot brownies? Until they cure glaucoma. Thanks. You want a glass of milk or something to wash that down with? No, I'm good. Thanks. Instead of getting loaded, maybe you want to talk about it? (garbled): What is there to talk about, Alan? She's with another guy! I changed my mind about the milk. I mean, how can another guy give her anything that I can't give her? Maybe he doesn't talk with his mouth full. You know what? I don't think the other guy can give her anything I can't. Well, you're probably right. Probably? Definitely! You know what? Let's just make a list. Okay, here we go. Look at this. Walden and the other guy. Let's just call him "Dick. " Okay. Ability to provide. Walden-- billionaire. Dick? Less. That's one point for me. Okay, looks. You win. Thank you, Berta. I didn't want to say so myself. Oh! Humility. That's two more checks for me. Okay, what else? Oh, just an all-around great guy. Everybody likes me. Who likes Dick? Um Berta, please. Oh, God. Zoey likes Dick. Who am I kidding? Zoey loves Dick! Oh, hey, hey. Take it easy. I miss her, Alan. I miss the way she looks at me. Yeah. Her smile. Sure, sure. Her hair. Her cute little butt. Hello, sailor. Just the way our bodies just fit perfectly together. Damn, I should've hugged him. Trust me, buddy, a stranger in your bed is not gonna chase away the memory of Zoey. What do you suggest I do? Well, what usually helps me is a bottle of supermarket vodka and masturbating using my tears as lubricant. So I'm just supposed to accept being alone forever? Hey, you will never be alone because I will never leave you. Thanks. Can't get rid of me. I'm like a dry cough. Yeah, you might be onto something. Maybe I should just give up women. We should go gay! (chuckles) Good one. But no, I'm serious. Really? Okay, okay, if we're gonna do it, we got to do it right. We'll get married in New Hampshire, uh, register at Pottery Barn, adopt a Chinese baby. Ooh, we can wear scarves at our wedding! You would look great in a scarf. It hides the turkey neck. We live together, we like each other, we're halfway there. Sure, sure. Mailman already thinks we're gay. Yeah, he does. At night, we could sit out on the deck and grill up a couple steaks. Steaks? Who are we kidding? Seared ahi. Oh, better. Maybe some couscous? I love couscous! Yeah! Then, after dinner, we could go inside and watch the game. Or if the game's a blowout, we switch to Project Runway. Yeah! Yeah, what do you think? Mr. and Mr. Walden Schmidt. So I would take your name? Why wouldn't we take my name? 'Cause I'm the breadwinner. So you think making a home isn't work? I am sorry. We'll hyphenate. Schmidt-Harper. Harper-Schmidt. Fine. I'll order the towels. So, listen, um, would we be having sex like guys do? I would. You'd be having sex more like a woman does. Hmm. Problem? No, I'm open to it. No pun intended. But? Look, I'm willing to take one for the team; it's just if this doesn't work out, I'd have to know I'm gonna be provided for. What is that supposed to mean? It means I'm not signing a prenup. Excuse me, is this seat taken? No, help yourself. Thanks. Yo, forget what I said about giving up women. No, yeah, I was just goofin'. I'm Walden. So close. I told you I had a big backyard. You didn't tell me it was so wet. Yeah, I got to get my sprinklers checked. This happens every day. (both chuckle) Whoa Are you okay? Yeah, I think so. No, I don't think so. Um, are you as high as I am? I'm pretty baked. You're also pretty pretty. Aw Are you ready to get freaky? (chuckles) I am way ahead of you. Men. ♪ Mmm You must think I'm awfully easy. No, I think you're wonderfully easy. (giggles) Uh-oh, here we go again. (Jill's voice): I didn't expect anything like this to happen when I went to a bar alone in a short skirt and no underwear. Ah, geez. What's the matter? Nothing. I I'm just coming out of a bad breakup, so I'm a little shaky. That's okay. I know how to make you forget her. (chuckles) (both moaning) Uh-oh. You still thinking about your girlfriend? No. It's my ex-wife this time. Okay. Let's try again. (moaning) Mommy! Mommy? Okay Daddy. (laughing): Can we just hold on for a second? Am I doing something wrong? No, no. I, um I might just be a little too high. Okay, let's slow it down. I got nowhere to be. Great. Okay. (Jill's voice): I could kiss you all night long. (Walden screams) I could have made him scream like that. Men. ♪ WALDEN: I'm really sorry. Me, too. I don't usually mistake the women I'm sleeping with for adult contemporary pop artists. That's new. I need air. (inhales deeply) (groans) All right, no pot for a while. ZOEY: Oh, bull dunny. It wasn't the pot. Would you please just get out of my head? Yelling's not gonna solve your problems, Walden. Oh, damn it. Women leaving, that's your problem. Not right now, it isn't! It was my fault, really. Oh, great. I was the first to abandon him. Oh, you didn't abandon him; you had a career. (scoffs) Tell him that. Would, uh just all of you just leave me alone?! Go away, I tell you! Go away! No way I'm signing a prenup. You know what? Just get out of my head! All of you, just leave me alone!