The Fear In Our Stars

So, is everybody up for a nice quiet evening at home?

Not that I seem to have any other kind of evening.

Actually, it will be anything but quiet for me.

Tonight, an asteroid will be passing very close to Earth, and my stargazing club is meeting in the park to observe it.

Par-tay!

Turn down for telescopes.

There is also a young lady in our group who I plan to ask out.

She is quite the astro-babe.

Oh, Ravi, I'm sure she'll say yes.

But just in case, you may want to mention you're rich.

Hey, Ravi, want me to come with and be your wingman?

That would be awesome!

I shall go grab my scope.

And put on my formfitting kurta.

I've been doing cha-cha aerobics.

Oh, Luke, thanks for offering to be there for your brother.

It's really sweet of you. Are you kidding?

Ravi's going to ask a girl out.

I wouldn't want to miss that train wreck.

I'll go fluff Ravi's crying pillow.

Oh, Jessie, I'm going out, too.

Marcie's party starts at 10:00.

Huh, what a coincidence.

That's the exact same time as your curfew.

Why do Ravi and Luke get to stay out all night and I can't?

Because I know Marcie's parents are out of town.

Besides, Ravi and Luke are going to be learning things, and you're going to be forgetting everything I taught you.

This is so unfair!

No, unfair is having to take your cousin to homecoming because no one else would ask them.

That doesn't seem so bad.

She wore the same dress as me!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪ ♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪ ♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪ ♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Hi, Max, it's Jessie Prescott, your client.

Your only client, ever.

Please, please call me back.

What's going on?

I have a commercial audition tomorrow morning.

My agent says the producers were impressed with one of the "special skills" on my resume.

And the problem is?

He forgot to tell me which special skill, and half of them are lies.

Well, if you can't reach your agent doesn't he have an office you can go to?

Yes, it's in his mother's knitting room.

I already stopped by and he wasn't there.

But on the bright side, I'm getting a homemade afghan for Christmas.

What are you guys up to?

We're going to watch this show called Found.

It's about a bunch of people trapped on an island.

And none of them know how they got there.

It's a huge mystery.

Oh, kinda like how you keep collecting a paycheck for watching TV all day and draining the world's cheese supply.

Anyway, they're running a Found marathon.

Culminating with a never-before aired season finale, which according to the ads, has an ending so shocking it will...

Both: Blow your mind, mind, mind, mind!

Really? I couldn't care less, less, less.

I have to learn how to do everything on my resume by tomorrow morning.

Which includes, juggling, bird calling, tap dancing...

Yikes, I hope it's not the heart surgery.

How am I supposed to practice that?

Not it. Hmm.

Way to rock that lens satchel, Miss Nussbaum!

Did you know asteroids contain material from the birth of the universe?

Oh, it is beautiful, is it not?

Speaking of beautiful, check out this cute giant!

Oh, she's normal size.

Even better!

Hey. I'm going to go ask her out.

No, that was the girl I was going to ask...

Hi, I'm Luke and I think you're out of this world.

(Chuckles)

Space flirting, nice.

I'm Heidi.

And I am going to die alone.

Did you know asteroids contain material from the birth of the universe?

Can you believe what just went down?

Homeboy cold stole my line!

Dude, that girl totally likes me.

She wants to show me her nebula filter!

That is a telescope accessory, you nimrod.

And Heidi was supposed to be my girl.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

Well, at least you still have Miss Nussbaum.

Good thing I didn't start with the chain saws.

Emma! I told you you're not allowed to go to that party.

Party?

I'm not going to a party, I'm sleepwalking.

Shh, don't wake me, it's dangerous.

So is lying to your nanny.

Fine, I'll just go to the kitchen for a snack.

Don't even think about trying to sneak out the back door.

Mrs. Kipling's guarding it, and I bought her loyalty with rats.

Ugh! That lizard is such a snake!

Zestie!

What in blazes is going on up here?

You know condo board laws clearly state "No Riverdancing after 10:00 p.m."

I'm sorry. I have a big audition and I'm just brushing up on some of my special skills.

Oh, well in that case, dear, please continue.

Really? No!

Be silent or be sorry!

Not as sorry as your mirror.

This is now my favorite show!

Let's keep watching. We have still hours of episodes before the finale.

Are you sure you can stay awake?

After all, you need a nap every 30 minutes or you get cranky.

(Grumbles)

I mean, crankier.

I know.

I've never stayed awake for more than six hours in a row.

Watching this marathon will be my Everest.

That is just sad.

(Chuckles)

(Gasps)

I hope I don't fall.

It's hard to flirt in a full body cast.

I've always been interested in gastronomy.

That's food.

Where? On my shirt?

Ah, don't worry, you'll get used to that.

Luke... Ow!

I have horrible news!

Dude, make it quick.

I'm kinda working on something over here.

Yes, with my honey!

And that was too loud.

Look, I've found a secret government website, showing that the asteroid is going to hit New York within the hour!

Okay, if this was true, then why haven't they told anyone?

Shh! Because they wish to avoid a widespread panic.

That is why it is a secret. Right!

Just like they're keeping it a secret that the pyramids were actually built by space dolphins.

Yes, just like that.

Look and see for yourself.

(Gasps) Oh, my gosh!

I told you so! It is bigger, is it not? Yeah.

And over here, Emma is hanging from our terrace!

Correction, Emma was hanging from our terrace.

(Gasping) She just fell into Mrs. Chesterfield's hot tub!

(Laughing) Awesome! I love hocking loogies in there.

It's one of my top ten favorite spots.

I have a blog.

Dude, what's going to happen?

Well, Emma will surely be grounded for her insubordination, and... I meant, to Earth!

Right. We may not die from the impact, but after many years, poisonous radiation will turn us into horribly disfigured slaves to our mutant lizard overlords.

Oh!

Oh, man! What should I do? A, be nicer to Mrs. Kipling.

And B, just do what I did.

Simply put on your aluminum foil long johns for protection.

When did you have time to do that?

While you were flirting with my lady!

I have got to learn to dial down the theatrics.

Okay, Ravi, unlike you, I don't own metal underpants!

But remind me to give you a wedgie with a magnet later.

Well, unless you want your first shower in years to be with radioactive dust, I suggest you improvise, man! Improvise!

Ravi, we have to warn our family!

I will take care of that.

In the meantime, dig through the trash and outfit yourself with all the foil you can find.

The dirtier the better.

For, um... Extra insulation.

Thanks, Ravi. You're such a good brother.

Outta my way, star nerds! Coming through, excuse me.

No wonder Luke likes to prank people. It is a hoot!

(Whooping)

Oh, gross.

Relish.

(Bird chirping)

(Imitating bird) Whoa.

Mrs. Chesterfield, are you here to take me to the dark side?

It's my sleep apnea mask.

This urchin fell into my hot tub just as I was settling into bed.

Some bed. It's shaped like a heart, rotates, and plays the love theme from Titanic.

Good for you, for making it into one of the lifeboats.

Just keep your child infestation from contaminating my apartment.

It's affecting my beauty sleep.

Clearly.

Ugh!

Emma, where do you think you're going?

Can't a girl make sure her nice, sweet neighbor gets home safely?

Yeah, even I didn't buy that.

(Yawns)

So what do you think they're going to find in that mysterious cave?

It must be the shocking reveal in the finale.

We have to keep going so we can watch it live before we hear any spoilers.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to stay awake...

(Snoring) Bertram, stay with me!

Don't go into the night light!

Wait! Stop shaking me. You're loosening my fillings.

I just have to find a way to stay up. (GASPING)

I was actually thinking more like coffee.

(Screaming)

How did you know that wasn't hot? I didn't.

(Playing instrument poorly)

That sounded nothing like the national anthem.

(Crying)

Luke? Why are you covered in tinfoil? And baba ghanoush?

(Thud) Emma: Ow!

Oh, someone put a plant in the elevator? What a lovely touch.

Luke! What are you doing?

Getting tinfoil for my new girlfriend, so she doesn't die when the asteroid hits!

Okay, well, have fun with that.

I'll just be here, finishing my list.

That's good, Jessie. You finish that bucket list.

Oh, someone put a plant in the elevator.

What a lovely touch.

Hey, what are you... (Screaming)

(Playing instrument poorly)

(Banging on floor)

Mrs. Chesterfield: Is one of your special skills strangling a walrus?

Put a cork in it, Jessie!

I really should have rented this.

It's here. The season finale. I can almost taste it.

(Sobbing) What's wrong?

I need to know what's in that cave!

And I really need to pee.

I'm wearing a diaper. Where's your commitment?

Where's your dignity?

(Groaning) Oh, come on!

We already know what happened. We've been watching for hours and hours!

I know! My eyes are so dry, they make a noise when I blink!

(Boinging)

Heidi! Quick! Hold that. Okay, okay, okay.

Luke? What is wrong with you?

I'm not a sandwich you're saving for later.

Okay, there's no time to explain, but the world is going to end!

Not as fast as this relationship!

Heidi, wait! Don't you want to live long enough to help me lead the resistance against our lizard overlords?

(All laughing)

Looks like your attempt to steal Heidi from me was...

Foiled!

Oh, dear puns. You always come through for me when I need you most.

Wait, what are you talking about?

Luke, it was all a prank.

I played you like Paganini played the Stradivarius.

So this whole thing was a trick? Correct.

It burns, does it not?

Kinda.

As your brother, I'm pretty ticked off.

But as a prank master, I'm super proud!

Props, bro!

Whoa!

So, the asteroid's not gonna hit Earth? Hardly.

Look, if you multiply the trajectory of the asteroid by the angle of Earth's rotation, carry the twosie, The asteroid is actually going to... (Gasping)

Crash right into Central Park! Dude, come on.

You're not allowed to trick me again after I give you the combo handshake, bro-hug.

That's a prank foul!

This is no prank!

When was the last time I made a mathematical error?

Oh, no, we're doomed! Good thing we're both wearing tinfoil.

You dolt!

The asteroid is going to blow us into a million pieces!

The foil will do nothing but ensure our remains are cooked evenly!

We have to warn everyone in the park about the asteroid hurtling towards us!

Not just the park. The blast radius includes all of Manhattan!

And, somewhat less importantly, Queens.

As long as it doesn't hit the Bronx or Yankee Stadium.

Okay, we can warn the whole city.

Ravi, do you know how to access a live satellite feed?

Uh, like duh.

No! Stop!

(Plates shattering)

Bertram, good news! You don't have to do the dishes anymore.

That's it, lassie.

I have been banging on the ceiling with this broom for the last hour!

If you keep doing that, it's never going to fly again.

How dare you!

Let's just see how sassy you are when the fuzz arrives.

Is that what you call your flying monkeys?

That's what I call the police. The police?

Mmm-hmm. Mrs. Chesterfield, please!

You have no idea the kind of night I've had.

I've failed at juggling, plate spinning, music, bird calls and I even burned the taquitos I made as a snack.

My audition is tomorrow and the only thing I've managed to do is get a bad case of sousaphone shoulder.

I've never even heard of that. Neither had the urgent care nurse I called.

She was very dismissive.

So please, please just call off the police. Hmm. No can do.

No, it's time you stopped keeping me up.

And my little dog, too!

(Cackling)

Okay, now I hear it.

Finally, it's here!

They're about to reveal what's in the cave!

Both: No!

Our show!

Hey, what's wrong?

Is there some sort of competition in this house to see who can be the loudest?

Ooh, or the hunkiest?

Okay, we are live.

People of Earth! This is an emergency!

This is not a test!

(Mock alarm sounds)

Stop it.

This is Ravi Gupta Balasubramanium Ross, president of the Stargazer Society.

Heed my warning! An asteroid is heading towards Earth!

Find shelter!

Save your family, save your lizard!

Wrap yourself in tinfoil!

Under no circumstances do that.

It is a total waste of time!

Oh, what do I care? We are all doomed!

I see a long conversation with Christina in my future.

But don't you just love that silver hat?

Oh, I wonder if it comes with feathers?

(Mock alarm sounds)

Ooh, are we on TV?

Hi, Marcie! I'm heading over to the party.

Don't play my jam until I get there.

(Whooping)

Emma snuck out? That girl is toast!

Apparently we're all toast!

Oh, please, only a complete dope would believe two goofy kids saying an asteroid is about to hit the Earth.

Hello, Momuchka?

I just wanted you to know that your wittle Bertie woves you!

(Sobbing)

Luke, even though you stabbed me in the back and tried to steal the girl of my dreams, I want you to know that I love you, brother.

And I love you.

Even though, because of your prank, I'm going to die looking like a baked potato.

How much time do we have?

It says here that the asteroid will hit in...

Oh, my gosh, it is happening!

Three, two, one...

(Screaming)

Ow?

Oh, that was a tad anti-climactic.

(Chuckling) I forgot that objects break into tiny pieces when entering Earth's atmosphere.

Whoopsie!

(Crowd groans)

Hey, people, even Einstein got a few things wrong!

Have you seen his hair?

Uh...

We would like to apologize to the entire tri-state area for making everyone believe that they were going to die.

(Chuckling nervously) Our bad.

Up next, are news vans too easy to break into?

Chaz Brockman has your story. Chaz?

Aw, man! We missed what was in the cave!

I know, but I'm sure they'll rerun it again.

We just have to avoid spoilers until then.

Ooh, are you watching Found?

My ex-husband is one of the producers.

He says at the end they find their own skeletons in the cave, and realize they've been dead the whole time.

(Both screaming) No!

Mrs. Chesterfield, they stayed up all night to see that ending, and you just ruined it for them. Do you have something to say?

Yes.

Point Rhoda!

(Phone ringing) Oh, it's my agent.

Max, finally...

I told you not to keep your phone in your back pocket!

It always falls in when you go potty! Really?

Oh, okay. Got it, thanks.

So, what's the special skill?

Tap dancing.

How am I supposed to learn how to do that before tomorrow?

If I taught you a tap routine, could you promise me a full day of silence?

I didn't know you could tap dance.

(Chuckles)

I wasn't crowned Miss Schenectady on looks alone!

I also bribed the judges.

Well, then sure! Right after I drag Emma home by her hair extensions.

Thank you, Mrs. Chesterfield.

Aw, no touching! Okay.

(Snoring)

Oh, Bertie's so adorable.

He's all sleepy bye. (Chuckles)

I just want to squeeze his cheeks!

Please tell me you mean his face.

(Jazz music playing)

Wings! Take it.

Give it back! One, two, three...

A one, two, three, four, five, big finish.

Yeah!

(Both laugh)

Okay. No.

Well? What do you think? Make it stop!

Please, just ground me!

This'll teach you to sneak out.

Now pipe down, or I'll make you listen to me play the sousaphone!

Thanks again. You can thank me by being quiet, and keeping your rugrats out of my hot tub.

What if I'd been in there having a soak?

Well, then we would have heard, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"

Last one, I swear.