Bed & Breakfast

I'm back.

What's all this?

Ugh.

We're renting out rooms in our apartment for the long weekend.

We're gonna be a Bed & Breakfast.

So exciting.

I love Bed & Breakfast.

They're so quaint.

Aren't they?

Random strangers shedding skin cells all over the house.

Ugh, I'm against this Bed & Breakfast as much as you can be against something, and still, let it happen.

Like when my ex-wife wanted to have a three-way with out neighbour, Ray.

Teddy, Teddy.

I don't think you should be talking about...

Wait, you had a three-way with Ray, the guy who wears the sales suit down on the pier?

Yeah.

I mean I wasn't involved, I just watched. But ... yeah.

I had a three-way in science class yesterday.

Tammy's lab partner was absent so she joined in with me and Joey.

It was fun.

Okay, enough.

Oilies, salties, extra-expensive toilet paper...

I love that soft stuff.

I thought we were doing this to make extra-money.

Isn't all this eating into our profits?

Don't worry, Bob.

It's gonna be money and online reviews and when I die and I go to heaven. God's gonna say "Hey, aren't you the lady who rented the B&B I heard about?

And I'm gonna say, "Yes, God..."

"What can I get you?"

Here, hold this.

Mm, smell.

Come on, smell it.

You're shoving things in my nose.

Smell this one now.

You always do this, Lin.

Whenever you entertain, you put way too much effort into it and drive yourself crazy.

What are you talking about?

I'm a wonderful hostess.

No, Linda.

You go overboard and then if people aren't appreciative enough, you snap.

That's not true.

I'm a gifted hostess and I'm ready to go pro.

It is really soft.

Put it back on the roll, please.

But, mom, what if we just put Tina by the toilet?

Yeah.

I don't mind.

Almost check-in time.

Tina, Gene, are your rooms guest-ready?

Yeah.

Subjective.

Remember when you made fun of me for moving into a closet?

Well now you suckers have to give up your room and I don't.

A guest!

Javi...is an entomologist.

Javed. My name is Javed.

What?

Alright.

What kind of doctor is an entomologist again?

Glands, butt?

Ha, I'm not a butt doctor.

I study insects, specifically the mating habit of the myfungal beetle.

Oh. So what brings you here?

Myfungal beetles feed on fungus, and this town has a very, very high potency of fungus.

Uh, that's actually our town motto.

Fungus town!

Tina, why don't you show Javeeed...

His room...

Javed.

Jav-ed?

Javed.

You'll be in the equestrian suite!

Huh?

Okay.

That's great... he brought a bug in a jar into our house.

(Whispers): Don't be racist!

I decorated it myself.

You...

Like horses a lot.

You like jars.

Oh, these are specimen jars... I intend to mate the queen with a male and preserve her eggs.

You mean you're gonna watch beetles have s*x with each other?

Mm-hmm.

Cool.

What's that for?

Ooh, this is a synthetic pheromone.

It's similar to what the queen emits when she wants to attract males. (Sniffs)

Does it work on human boys?

Oh, no.

Well, maybe.

Ah...

(Coughing)

May I store these in the bathroom?

Sure. Everyone would love that.

(Doorbell rings)

More guests!

Welcome!

You must be ed and Nora Samuels!

Yes. Hello.

Hi. Come on, come in.

I'll give you the tour.

Okay, this is the salon.

This is where we're gonna have the meet-and-greet, and you're just in time!

Uh... Actually, we'd just like to go to our room, if that's okay?

Right.

We'd just like to get settled.

(Laughs)

What? Why?

Stay here for the meet-and-greet.

Maybe we'll come back out in a bit.

No, stay.

It's gonna be fun.

Tina, get Javeed!

I think he's napping.

Wake him up!

So, let's go around and we'll, um, we'll play a little game.

Let's say what our most embarrassing moment was.

Who wants to go?

I'll go.

One time I coughed at communion, and the wafer flew right out of my mouth and it landed on my boob!

(Laughs)

Who wants to go next? Javed?

I'll take a pass.

Get me on the next one.

What about when dad got a perm?

It wasn't a perm; It was a body wave.

You looked like Barbra Streisand in the main event.

You looked like Barbra Streisand's pubes.

I did.

How about how dad says gracias in Mexican restaurants?

That's embarrassing.

Remember the time you asked me to check your prostate and you made a poopie?

Linda!

Oh, remember when dad tried to go jogging?

(Others laughing)

(Laughter becomes hysterical)

Oh, come on!

What about when dad cried at the end of about Schmidt?

Gene, why are you in your underwear?

I was eating.

What, you want me to get butter all over my clothes?

Yeah. Now we just take him out back and hose him off.

You're a doctor... is this a mole?

I'm not a doctor.

And that's a raisin.

Oh... edible mole.

(Laughs) All right, let's let someone else go.

Samuels, how about you, what's your most embarrassing moment?

I don't know.

This?

Yeah, definitely this.

Hm.

(Clears throat)

Are we done?

Yes, I guess we are done, Nora.

(Whispers): Are you sure there aren't any rooms available anywhere else?

(Whispers): No, everything's booked... I checked.

Ooh, hello.

(Chuckles) Hm.

I'm cold.

My nipples are so pointy!

Ding-dong!

It's for you.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

(Singsongy) Mm-hmm...

Mm-mm.

It might be a package...

You should answer it.

(Singing lively melody)

Yecch!

Lin, stop stewing and go to sleep.

I can't help it, Bob!

Our guests are such party poopers.

All of 'em! No one has any b&b spirit at all!

(Groans) Okay, just go to sleep, all right?

You'll feel better in the morning.

Fine!

Gene, gene, your foot is down the back of my underwear.

It's warm down there...

My feet are cold.

Yes, but it's my ass.

Mm.

Dad, are you still awake?

Yes, Tina. I was just talking to Gene, right? A second ago?

Do you think horses get songs stuck in their heads?

Oh, my God.

I don't know.

Tina, go to sleep.

Dad, do you want any chicken?

Don't tell anyone...

There's just enough for the two of us.

Just go to sleep, all of you.

I'm glad our guests are comfortable, Linda, 'cause this is great!

Oh! Our guests!

They'll appreciate me.

I'll just have to try harder next time.

(Grunting)

Hey!

(Whispers): I've got a backup.

Bob: I've never been so happy to be at work.

Yeah, you opened early today, huh, Bob?

Well, there was a line to get into the bathroom up in the apartment, so I came down here to do my morning routine in the slop sink.

(Humming a tune)

(Humming a tune)

Whoo! (Chuckles)

Whoo!

Bob, do we have any toothpicks down here?

Yeah, over there.

Pretty ones?

What do you mean, pretty ones, Lin?

The nice ones.

How's the b&b going, Linda?

Oh, it's great!

Why? What'd you hear?

What? Nothing.

I bet it's magical up there.

I picture it like england.

It is, Teddy, it is.

But do they appreciate it?

Holed up in their rooms like dirty little gophers?

Why come to a b&b if you're not gonna participate, you know?

Oh, they're so ungrateful!

I wish I was staying at your b&b.

I'd sit in the parlor, and maybe I'd have a little wine, play some board games...

Yes! Wine! Games!

Teddy, you should stay here.

What?

You should. You're the dream guest.

Really?

You're the one I'm looking for?

Do you have any vacancies?

Yes! Louise's room!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Linda, Louise's room?

She'd murder us.

She's a big girl...

She'll get over it.

Linda, she won't get over it...

When you vacuumed in there, she wouldn't talk to you for a week.

Plus, it's not even a room; It's, like, a closet.

That sounds perfect for me...

I don't need a lot of room.

I'll just bring, like, one outfit.

Oh, I love it!

I'll get my stuff.

This is gonna be great!

Well, have f telling Louise you're kicking her out of her room, Lin.

Wear a helmet.

(Humming a tune)

♪ Ah, ha, ha... ♪

What are you doing?

Oh, hi, Louise. I was just...

Oh, hi, mom.

Hello.

You're holding my stuff.

Hello, my little lady.

Hello, mom.

What are you doing with my stuff?

I was just welcoming our newest bed-and-breakfast guest into your room.

Into my room?

Say hello to Teddy!

(Gasps)

Hi, Louise.

You got wonderful stuff in here.

I love, love, love it!

What?

Except for this little guy; he's kind of giving me the creeps.

(Quietly): This isn't happening!

Mother, this isn't happening, right?

Has the world gone crazy?!

(Chuckles) Okay, come on, Louise.

Let's leave our guest alone.

You mean your guest, 'cause I did not invite Teddy to come into my room and move my stuff around!

That's right.

Come on.

See you in a little... bit at the wine-and- cheese mixer, Teddy.

Sounds good, Linda.

And I'll see you in hell, Teddy.

I'm sorry, Teddy.

I will see you in hell!

Where are the Samuels?

The cheese is getting sweaty.

They're in their room.

I think they're jumping on the bed.

I heard the box spring going crazy.

Sounds like they're "busy."

They should be busy eating cheese and sipping wine.

What do you mean, they're busy?

Like, they got homework?

No. They're... it's...

Busy jumping, they can't take a jumping break?

Ah, Javay!

You came back for the wine and cheese!

You got to catch up.

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Whoa, look at all those males.

Yes, Tina!

One of these lucky bugs will mate with the queen, and then she will bite off his head.

So romantic.

Cheese?

No, thank you.

Eat it.

Mm-mm.

Aw, have some.

Mm-mm, mm-mm.

Open your mouth. Open the mouth.

Mm, mm.

Just try it.

(Whimpers)

You're gonna love it.

You're gonna love it.

It's really good.

Gene, you're over your limit!

(Retches)

(Chuckles)

Well, I...

Hate to miss wine and cheese, but it's time for these little fellas to meet their mates.

(Nervous chuckle)

Bye-bye.

Wait. I want to watch.

Well, I'll tell you, Linda, I'm having the time of my life.

You're not gonna hear me whining about it.

Hey, "whine."

(Laughing loudly)

(Laughing) Everyone should be here for this!

They don't know what they're missing!

(All laughing)

(Laughing): I heard the... joke from the... hallway.

Do you like that, Louise?

Yeah. Oh, it was...Was really funny!

(Laughter dying away)

Get out of my room.

I'm your guest in your room...

Did you talk to your mommy?

It's not my mommy's room; it's my room.

No, I know, and I paid $75, and I'm just going to stay in your room for a couple of nights.

Louise, put some cheese in your mouth.

Mmm.

Mmm, isn't that delicious?

Yeah, it really goes down easy, doesn't it, Teddy?

Ow. (Chuckles)

Just so you know, Teddy, you have one hour, then I get real.

If I were a pheromone, where would I be?

Aha!

(Crazed laughing)

(Coughing)

(Hacking)

(Groaning)

Good night, Javee!

Oh! Uh.. Good night.

Crazy lady.

She's a nut. Am I right?

Oh, you're bad!

Good night, Teddy!

Good night, Linda!

Sleep tight!

Sleep tighter, Lin.

Don't let the bed bugs bite!

I won't.

Hey, my pillow smells funny.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Good night, Samuels!

Oh, woo! I'm sorry! I'm sorry.

Hey!

Oh, my God!

Oh, God!

Could you please close the door?

Yeah. Oh, my God.

Okay. Sorry. Sorry.

No. With you on the other side of it.

Okay. All right. All right.

Leave!

(Gasps)

Why is Mr. Samuels wearing handcuffs?

They are...

They are escape artists.

(Gasps)

They are?!

Yes. Isn't that interesting?

Okay, time for bed. Let's go.

All right, Louise, since you're new here, I'll show you the ropes.

That corner of the bed is for eating.

This right here is the exercise area.

This is where I thrash.

(Groaning)

Yeah. I'll stand, thank you very much.

(Snoring)

(Groaning)

(People snoring)

Here we go.

Have you talked to your mommy?

Why don't you talk to your mommy, Teddy?

About your new roommates.

Where is everybody?

Careful, Bob. I reused the cheese from yesterday.

Some of the omelettes have toothpicks in them.

Ow. Ow. Ah.

Oh, good morning, Javee!

I hope you and your bugs are hungry.

My appetite is gone, along with several of my specimen jars.

They contained my most virile males.

Oh, no.

Ah, little insects with wings.

How far could they go?

Hey, guys.

(All yelling)

What? Do I have bed head?

Oh, good God, Teddy.

My beetles!

Aah!

What?

Teddy, you've got beetles all over your face.

Is that right? I haven't looked in the mirror yet.

These males are in an extremely amorous state.

You mean, right now they're trying to mate with Teddy's face?

Javed: Yes.

Aw.

Oh, God, Ted.

Does it hurt?

Nope. Nope. Don't worry about it.

Teddy, you should probably get to the hospital.

You okay to drive?

No, I don't need a hospital.

I'll be fine.

This is still a magical weekend.

Aw.

You know?

He's the perfect guest.

What's for breakfast?

Eggs!

Ugh! Nothing gets to this guy.

You! I don't know how, but you did this.

(Sniffing)

I know how she did it.

She used my pheromones on him.

Okay, well, uh, Linda, everyone, have fun in the b and b.

I'll be downstairs in the restaurant. Bye.

Bye, dad. Bye, dad.

No!

You deal with her!

She's out of control!

Okay. Uh, give her her room back.

No!

Well, that's all I got.

Bye.

Louise!

You're grounded.

Go to your room.

Gladly.

That's all I ever wanted.

No, I mean my room.

Go to my room.

You can't make me.

Oh, yes, I can, miss Missy.

I guess you can.

I've never seen these beetles so aroused.

I have that affect on beetles. (Laughs)

I haven't had this much action in a while.

Are they gonna call me tomorrow?

Probably not, right? That's okay.

Teddy. Making jokes, covered with bugs.

You are a man!

Damn you!

Does anything get to you?

Teddy: There's really only one thing.

Gene & Tina: Yeah?

Teddy: Costumed characters.

You know, like the ones in amusement parks.

Really?

Why?

It's the eyes, gene.

Their cold, dead eyes.

...Watching you while they make love to your wife.

While they what?!

I mean... When they... uh...

Go to birthday parties.

Gene: All right.

Thank you, Teddy.

Oh, thank you, mom's purse.

Well, thank you, phone.

Yes, I will make a call.

(Whistling)

Oh, I gotcha.

Oh, you're sizzling.

I love your sound.

Oh, hello. You have costumed characters, right?

Oh, that's great. Ah, I'll take the hippo, the fox.

Here's a cookie.

Here's a cookie.

A baby bear.

And here's a cookie.

And this will be credit card.

(Knocking)

Brought you some cookies!

What's going on here?

Ah, we have to go home.

What are you talking about?

You can't leave.

You're on vacation.

Sit down, enjoy the cookies, unpack your pointy bra and your whip and whip him.

He's a naughty boy.

I'm a naughty boy.

Get to it!

Did you just lock the door?

She just locked the door.

I... I don't know what's going on.

You can come out when it's time for the ice cream social!

You, too!

Hey, there's my perfect guest.

Hey, Linda.

I got good news.

I'm upgrading you to platinum status!

Oh! Platinum status.

That sounds fancy.

It is! You hungry?

You want some room service?

No. Eh, I guess I can eat.

I... what do you want?

Uh... bacon burger?

What?

Bacon burger.

Bacon...

First-first word.

Bacon.

One syllable.

No. Two syllables.

Two syllables.

Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink!

A...... pig.

Dinosaur.

Bacon!

Bacon burger.

Kevin bacon.

Second word.

Burger.

Break pads?

(Mooing)

Dinosaur.

Jurassic park!

(Mooing)

Charades!

You can't guess charades.

Yes, you can.

Oh. Is it charades?

(Mooing)

Cow. Burger!

Burger.

Bacon burger!

All right.

(Cheering)

Yes. Bacon burger!

All right.

I can do that.

(Doorbell rings)

Uh, doorbell. I'll get it.

Oh, footloose.

Can I... can I help you?

Is there a Teddy here?

Teddy, you've got visitors.

Oh, thank you.

We're the fuzzy buddies!

Are you Teddy?

(Gasping)

What's going on here?!

(Yelling)

No! Someone's excited to see the fuzzy buddies.

(Yelling)

(Grunting) Don't...

What?

Whoa. You're a big bo... oh!

(Teddy grunting)

Oh, my God!

Teddy.

(Teddy crying)

(Crying)

It's almost the ice cream social.

Linda, what is going on up here?

You're losing control of your b and b.

What are you talking about?

Everything is going perfectly.

Right. Right, Lin, everything's fine.

Bob, do you have my bacon burger?

Oh, yeah, the bacon burger. Here.

Oh.

Bob, can you help me?

I can't chew.

You need me to feed you?

Yeah.

Chew it up for him, like a mama bird.

Linda, no!

He's platinum status!

You're crazy, Linda!

It's all right, guys. I got it.

Perfect guest.

So let me get this straight.

Teddy beat up a bunch of giant animals.

You locked Louise in our room, and then you locked the guests in their rooms?

They were gonna leave before the big ice cream social at 3:00.

Lin, just give me the key, all right?

I'm gonna let them out.

No.

Yes.

No.

Look at yourself.

Look at what you've turned into!

Oh, all right.

All I wanted was a charming bed and breakfast, that's all.

Now what am I gonna say to God when I go to heaven?

Uh. (Gasps) Uh-oh.

I lost the key!

Oh, my God, what have I done?

All right, all right, listen.

You know Louise picks locks.

Louise hates me.

No, she doesn't hate you, Lin.

I'm sure she's broken out of our room already.

Oh.

I'm gonna go deal with Teddy.

Why don't you try her room?

Okay.

Hi, honey. It's mommy.

Oh, hello, mother.

Please do come in.

Louise, I'm sorry I rented your room to Teddy and then locked you in our bedroom.

I accept your apology, mom.

Who among us hasn't gone a little overboard from time to time?

Aw, thanks, sweetie.

And you're gonna apologize to Teddy.

Okay.

And there's something else I need from you.

(Sighs) I would just cut it up right now.

Oh. No, not that.

Will you please help me get Javed and the Samuels out of their rooms?

I locked them in and I...

I kind of lost the key.

There might be something I can do.

Linda: Javed, I'm sorry I locked you in your room.

You're free to go if you wish.

You locked me in my room?

No.

She's completely bonkers, isn't she?

Look at me when I'm talking to you!

They're gone.

How did they get out of a locked room?

It was their greatest escape.

Look what they left behind.

Look. My tongue is trapped.

Now it's escaped.

Now it's trapped.

Now it's escaped.

Hey, look!

They're still climbing down.

You two all right?

You need any help with your bags?

No. Uh, actually we're stuck.

Please help us.

I suppose we could get a ladder.

How much did you like my b and b?

A lot.

Are you gonna recommend us to your friends?

Yes!

Are you gonna leave me your e-mail address?

Ed & Nora: Yes!

Get 'em the ladder.

Uh, thanks for coming. Sorry.

Sorry again.

Ah, here's something for your trouble.

Two dollars.

Thanks a lot.

I don't know what to tip in this situation.

Yeah. Not two dollars.

Oh, hey, Teddy.

Ah, you all right?

I think I worked through my issues, Bob.

Me and the owl !Re gonna go get a drink.

I'm pretty sure there's a woman inside.

That's a guy, Teddy.

Oh, that's a woman.

The owl was a guy.

It's a woman.

The fox was a girl.

Oh. Did the fox leave already?

Yes.

Oh.

Linda, you are a delightful hostess.

Aw, thanks, Teddy!

See you at lunch, Bob.

Well, that was all right.

It was pretty good.

I give us a b.

(Groans)

B plus.

(Groans)

A b and b plus!

(Chuckles)

My face is sweaty.

Gene, take that off.

Never! Oh!

(Groaning)

Oh! Ow! Ow! Aah!