Pants on Fire

[] TRUST ME, BOYS. NO ONE ELSE WILL THINK TO MEE DANNY KOSTAS BEFORE SCHOOL. WHOA. NO ONE? HALF THE TOWN IS HERE. YES! BUT... HALF THE TOWN ISN'T. JACK OUTSMARTED HALF THE TOWN. MM-HMM. I PROMISED YOU GUYS AUTOGRAPHS, AND WE ARE GONNA GET AUTOGRAPHS. I HAVE A PLAN. OH! HEY. NO ONE'S ALLOWED BACK HERE. OH, THANK GOODNESS! A SECURITY GUARD. MOM ALWAYS SAID, "IF YOU NEED HELP, FIND A SECURITY GUARD." WELL, YOUR MOM SOUNDS LIKE A VERY WISE LADY. WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE TROUBLE? YEAH, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE TROUBLE? IT'S BEARS. -BEARS? - BEARS! NOT BEARS. I'M TERRIFIED OF BEARS. BEARS ARE THE WORST. WHY WOULD THERE BE BEARS AT A CONVENTION CENTER? IT'S THE DROUGHT. THEY'RE COMING DOWN FROM THE MOUNTAINS. THEY'RE FORAGING FOR FOOD. -MM-HMM. I-I-IN THE DUMPSTER. -ON TOP OF THE PARKING GARAGE. FURTHER DOWN THE ALLEY. WHEN YOU IRONED ON THAT SECURITY BADGE, YOU SWORE AN OATH TO PROTEC THIS CONVENTION CENTER. WELL, TODAY... YOUR CONVENTION CENTER NEEDS YOU. WE NEED A HERO! WE NEED... OTIS. ARE YOU SURE IT WAS BEARS? OH, OTIS... OTIS! WOULD I LIE TO YOU? YOU KIDS STAY HERE. IT'S BEAR SEASON. [REVERSE-ALERT WHINES] NOW WE JUST HAVE TO SIT BACK, RELAX, AND WAIT FOR DANNY KOSTAS TO ROLL IN. HEH. OKAY. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. "I CAN'T BELIEVE OTIS JUST FELL FOR THAT," RIGHT? WELL, NOW, DON'T BLAME HIM, BECAUSE HE NEVER REALLY HAD A CHANCE. SEE, EVERYBODY HAS A SPECIAL TALENT. SOME PEOPLE ARE... ATHLETES. AND SOME PEOPLE CAN PUT THEIR ENTIRE FIS IN THEIR MOUTH. SORT OF. BUT ME? MY SPECIAL TALENT? I CAN LIE. NOW, EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE KID, I WAS JUST ALWAYS REALLY GOOD AT MAKING STUFF UP. I FIGURED, REGULAR LIFE IS BORING ENOUGH ON ITS OWN. WHY NO SPICE IT UP A LITTLE, HUH? [] LIKE THE TIME I BUSTED MY ARM WHEN I BLEW THE LANDING ON THE SICKEST FLIP OF MY LIFE. GAH! [GROANS] NOW, I COULDN'T TELL MY MOM HOW IT REALLY HAPPENED. SHE SAID ONE MORE ACCIDEN AND MY BIKE WOULD BE HISTORY. SO MAYBE... SO MAYBE MY ARM GOT BROKEN PROTECTING THE HABITA OF AN ENDANGERED OWL FROM TWO TREE-HUNGRY LUMBERJACKS. GET 'IM! [LUMBERJACK SCREAMS] [GROANING] -OH! -[THUD] YOU! OH! AHH! [OWL HOOTING] JACK PARKER, THAT'S WHO. AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW? I GOT TO KEEP MY BIKE AND I MADE MY PARENTS PROUD. NOW, MAYBE I DIDN'T HAVE THE NERVE TO ASK JENNIFER TO THE WINTER FORMAL. HI, JACK. OR ASK HER ANYTHING AT ALL. OR MAYBE I HAD A SMOKIN'-HO GIRLFRIEND FROM ARIZONA WHO DIDN'T WANT ME GOING OUT WITH ANYONE ELSE. [SHRIEKING MANIACALLY] SHE'S SUPER-POSSESSIVE. MAYBE I WENT OVERBOARD ON THAT LIE. BUT... MY BEST LIE, MY GREATEST FABRICATION OF ALL, WAS MIKEY. SEE, MY BELOVED RED SOX WERE IN TOWN, AND RYAN, ERIC, AND I HAD SCORED AWESOME SEATS RIGHT BEHIND HOME PLATE. THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS, I HADN'T CLEANED MY ROOM IN EIGHT MONTHS. YOUNG MAN, YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL THIS ROOM IS SPOTLESS. BUT... MOM! [DEJECTED SIGH] I... HAVE TO... HELP... THAT KID. -WHAT KID? -THAT KID THAT... I TUTOR? MOM, I SWEAR, YOU DON'T LISTEN TO A THING I SAY. YOU TUTOR SOMEONE? YEAH, IT'S QUITE WONDERFUL. I, YOU KNOW, I TRY NOT TO MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT. YOU KNOW, JUST DOING MY PART. HELPING A KID-- WHAT'S THIS KID'S NAME? UH, MIKE. BUT I CALL HIM MIKEY, YOU KNOW? WE'RE KINDA TIGHT LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW? I'M KIND OF HIS ONLY FRIEND. I AM SO... [INHALING DEEPLY] PROUD OF YOU! YOU JUST GO. HELP THAT MIKEY, OKAY? SEE WHAT I MEAN? COUPLE OF HARMLESS FABRICATIONS AND... JUST LIKE THAT, THINGS JUST GET INTERESTING. ERIC? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SHH! THE BEST DEFENSE AGAINST BEARS IS TO PLAY DEAD. GET UP. COME ON. THERE WE GO. OKAY. [] [] DANNY! DANNY! WE LOVE YOU, MAN. MY BOY, RYAN, DOES A PERFECT IMPRESSION OF YOUR BATTING RITUAL. [SNAPS]: SHOW HIM! OKAY. CAN WE GE SOME AUTOGRAPHS? [SNAP] [] AWESOME! SO COOL! [SMACK] MM! TASTES MINTY. AW, WE GOTTA GO! MS. TAYLOR IS GOING TO KILL YOU. OKAY, AND ONE MORE THING. YES. LYING IS WRONG. EXCEPT... MAYBE IT ISN'T. NOW HEAR ME OUT. RIGHT NOW, OTIS THE SECURITY GUARD THINKS HE'S A HERO. AND... WE GOT OUR AUTOGRAPHS. EVERYBODY WINS. NO HARM, NO FOUL. FAKE GIRLFRIEND? LUMBERJACKS? CHECK. BUT THE "MIKEY" STORY, THAT WAS A MASTERPIECE, AND IT TOTALLY CHANGED MY LIFE. MIKEY BECAME MY GO-TO EXCUSE FOR EVERY SITUATION. YOU KNOW-- GETTING OUT OF CHORES, BREAKING CURFEW, BEING LATE FOR CLASS. PEOPLE WERE HAPPY LETTING ME GET AWAY WITH THINGS, BECAUSE THEY WERE HELPING MIKEY. IT MADE THEM FEEL GOOD, AND MAKING PEOPLE FEEL GOOD CAN'T BE BAD, RIGHT? [] JACK PARKER, YOU'RE LATE. IT'S THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK. I'M GONNA HAVE TO GIVE YOU DETENTION. I UNDERSTAND. IS EVERYTHING OKAY? IT'S JUST... [SIGHS] I WAS UP ALL NIGH HELPING MIKEY. WITH MATH, HE'S JUST REALLY STRUGGLING, AND HE WANTS TO GET INTO COLLEGE, SO HE CAN MAKE HIS MOM AND HIS FOUR BROTHERS PROUD. I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE HAD FIVE BROTHERS. IT'S FOUR. [VOICE CRACKS]: IT'S FOUR NOW. OHH... HOW ABOUT WE JUST FORGE ABOUT DETENTION FOR TODAY? HMM? [RELIEVED SIGH] THANK YOU. IT'S LIKE I ALWAYS TOLD MIKEY, MS. TAYLOR-- YOU ARE THE TYPE OF TEACHER THAT THEY MAKE MOVIES ABOUT. [TOUCHED CHUCKLE] HEY! SEE? I GET OUT OF DETENTION, AND MS. TAYLOR FEELS GREAT ABOUT HERSELF! MY LIES ARE MAKING OUR SCHOOL-- NO, OUR WORLD-- A BETTER PLACE. [GRUNTING] COME ON! -GIVE THEM BACK! -NO! [LAUGHS] [BULLY STOPS LAUGHING] [EXHALES NERVOUSLY] OH, HEY, LANCE. ACTS OF INJUSTICE LIKE THA REALLY MAKE THE OLD ARM ACHE. YOU KNOW... WHEN I BROKE IT? SINGLE-HANDEDLY TAKING DOWN THOSE LUMBERJACKS? YOU'VE HEARD THE STORY. YOU SNAPPED THEM LIKE TWIGS. TWIGS. OH! OH... UH-- [HUFFS] THERE... THERE YOU GO. NICE AND CLEAN, HUH? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] THANKS, JACK. YOU'RE ALWAYS STANDING UP FOR THE LITTLE GUYS. SPEAKING OF WHICH, GIVE MY BEST TO MIKEY. I SURE WILL. WHAT CAN I SAY? I'M LIKE A... SUPERHERO OR SOMETHING. [P.A. SYSTEM CRACKLES]: JACK PARKER. THIS IS PRINCIPAL KAR. REPORT TO MY OFFICE IMMEDIATELY. MR. PARKER... I THINK WE NEED TO DISCUSS THIS "MIKEY." UH... HEH. UM... WHAT ABOUT MIKEY? THE TEACHERS' LOUNGE HAS BEEN BUZZING WITH TALES ABOUT YOU TUTORING A MYSTERIOUS BOY FROM ANOTHER SCHOOL. AND I HAVE TO SAY... I AM VERY, VERY IMPRESSED. TAKING TIME OUT OF YOUR BUSY SCHEDULE TO HELP OTHERS, IT'S... [SIGHS] OH, IT'S MADE US ALL VERY PROUD. YOU MAY BE WONDERING WHERE THIS IS GOING. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THIS IS GOING. HE'S GONNA NOMINATE ME FOR "STUDENT OF THE YEAR." I AM GOING TO NOMINATE YOU-- [GIGGLING GIDDILY] YOU! ...FOR "STUDENT OF THE YEAR." WHAT? "STUDENT OF THE YEAR!" I-I-I WAS REALLY NOT EXPECTING THIS. I MEAN, HELPING MIKEY IS ITS OWN REWARD. THE WINNER GETS HIS OR HER CHOICE OF ANY SUMMER INTERNSHIP. YOU MEAN LIKE THE BAT BOY FOR THE BOSTON RED SOX? THAT KIND OF INTERNSHIP? YOU DA MAN! [GAME ANNOUNCER]: AND NOW... FULFILLING HIS LIFE-LONG DREAM, PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR YOUR HOMETOWN HERO AND FUTURE ALL-STAR RED SOX BAT BOY... JACK PARKER-R-R-R! [CROWD ROARING, FIREWORKS POPPING] UH, JACK? OH! UH... I MEAN, IF I WERE TO WIN, THEN THAT'S WHAT I WOULD CHOOSE, YOU KNOW. BUT-- [SIGHS] IT'S JUST AN HONOR TO BE NOMINATED. OH, JACK! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! OH... MOM, I LIVE TO MAKE YOU PROUD. [JACK CHUCKLES] SO, UH, WHY ARE YOU PROUD OF ME? YOUR PRINCIPAL CALLED. YOU'RE ONE OF THE FIVE FINALISTS FOR "STUDENT OF THE YEAR"! OH... THAT. NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED. NEVER. LIKE, EVER. NEVER EVER. EVER. NEVER? EVER. YOU HAVE GIVEN SO MUCH TO THAT MIKEY. YOU DESERVE THIS AWARD. AND I KNOW WHERE WE'RE GONNA PUT IT! RIGHT HERE, SO EVERYONE CAN SEE IT. YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE I DO DESERVE IT. SPEAKING OF DOING SOMETHING GOOD-- I NEED ONE OF YOU TO HELP ME CLEAN OU THE GARAGE TODAY. I THINK A POSSUM DIED IN THERE. PLACE IS GETTING PRETTY RIPE. WELL, I CAN'T DO IT. NICK'S TAKING ME TO DINNER AT THE WIENER PALACE FOR OUR THREE-WEEK ANNIVERSARY. HOW 'BOUT IT, SPORT? OH, DAD, YOU KNOW THAT I WOULD LOVE TO SPEND SOME QUALITY BONDING TIME SEARCHING FOR A ROTTING MARSUPIAL CORPSE WITH YOU. YOU KNOW I WOULD! [SIGHS] BUT MIKEY HAS A CHEM TEST, AND I PROMISED HIM THAT WE'D STUDY. YOU HELP THAT MIKEY. HE NEEDS YOU. HANNAH CAN HELP YOUR FATHER. BUT MY ANNIVERSARY-- SWEETIE, THREE WEEKS IS NOT AN ANNIVERSARY. BUT-- HANNAH, YOU ARE THE BEST. PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE THE REASON THAT PEOPLE LIKE ME GET NOMINATED FOR AWARDS. THANK YOU. [] AH. OKAY. RIGHT! LOOKING GOOD, SIS. BROTHERS. HAPPY HUNTING. ALRIGHT, SWEETHEART. IF YOU FIND THE POSSUM AND IT ISN'T MOVING, IT COULD JUS BE PLAYING POSSUM. OR IT'S DEAD FROM RABIES. GROSS. EITHER WAY, DON'T TOUCH IT. USE THIS POSSUM CLUB. EW, I THINK I FOUND IT! GET THE TRASH BAG! OH, IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE AND I THINK IT HATES ME! USE THE CLUB! USE THE POSSUM CLUB! IT'S A BROOM, DAD! [GRUNTS] LOOK, YOUR SHOW IS THE NUMBER-ONE WEEKLY ANNOUNCEMENT SHOW IN THIS SCHOOL-- IT'S THE ONLY WEEKLY ANNOUNCEMENT SHOW IN THIS SCHOOL. IT'S STILL NUMBER ONE! OKAY? POINT IS-- I TELL ONE MORE KILLER MIKEY STORY ON AIR, AND I HAVE THAT "STUDEN OF THE YEAR" AWARD LOCKED. YEAH, BUT TELLING EVERYONE YOU HELD A BOTTLE DRIVE TO RAISE MONEY TO BUY A BIONIC TAIL TO SAVE MIKEY'S SICK DOG? I MEAN, MAYBE YOU'RE GOING TOO BIG. NO, THIS IS THE TIME TO GO BIG. IT'S THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH. I GOTTA SWING FOR THE FENCES. MAYBE I SHOULD GO BIGGER. [SNAPS] WHAT IF... ITS TAIL SHOOTS LASERS? THAT'D BE AWESOME. A LITTLE TOO BIG, BUDDY. BUT I LIKE WHERE YOUR HEAD'S AT. I'M STICKING WITH THE REGULAR BIONIC TAIL. I'M INSPIRED JUST THINKING OF IT. HEY, JACK. OH, HI! UH-- JEN... ...NIFER. HOW'S, EH...? HI. YOU CAN'T TALK TO HER. OH. NO, REALLY? THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN. I'M DYING HERE! NO, I MEAN, YOU CAN'T TALK TO HER. LISA WILL FREAK OUT! LISA? YOUR SUPER-POSSESSIVE GIRLFRIEND FROM ARIZONA? OH. OH, RIGHT. OKAY, I'LL GE RID OF HER, AND THEN I'LL MEE YOU IN THE STUDIO. OKAY. HEY, LISTEN, I JUST WANTED TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON THE WHOLE STUDENT OF THE YEAR NOMINATION. IT'S SO COOL WHA YOU'VE BEEN DOING FOR MIKEY. THANKS. HEH. YOU. NO, THANK-- THANK YOU IS WHAT I MEANT TO SAY. OH, BOY. UH... LISTEN, I'M SORRY. I'M REALLY NERVOUS. I DON'T LIKE ALL THIS ATTENTION. YEAH. I'M THAT WAY, TOO. [NERVOUS CHUCKLE] UM, SO CAITLIN IS HAVING A POOL PARTY THIS WEEKEND, AND I WAS THINKING... MAYBE YOU, RYAN AND ERIC MIGHT WANT TO COME TO IT? S-SERIOUSLY? I MEAN, UH, SERIOUSLY? CAITLIN HAS A-- HAS A POOL IN THIS CLIMATE? THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT OF WORK. YOU GOTTA GOTTA DRAIN I IN THE WINTER. BUT YEAH, NO, NO THAT'D BE FUN. WE COULD TOTALLY POOL PARTY. [SHE LAUGHS] COOL. WELL, UH... GOOD LUCK IN THERE. THANKS. HEY! YOU SHOULD BRING MIKEY. YOU KNOW, I'D LOVE TO FINALLY MEET HIM. TOTALLY! YEAH! OH... HE'S TAKING HIS DOG IN FOR A SOFTWARE UPDATE THAT DAY. SOFTWARE UPDATE? YOU'LL SEE. [LAUGHS] BYE. SO, IN CONCLUSION, BASED ON MY EXEMPLARY ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE, PERFECT ATTENDANCE, AND MY POSITION AS ASSISTANT MANAGER OF THE JUNIOR VARSITY SWIM TEAM, I BELIEVE I SHOULD BE YOUR STUDENT OF THE YEAR. THANK YOU. [CANNED APPLAUSE PLAYS] THANK YOU, STEPHANIE. THAT WAS A LONG LIST OF THINGS YOU JUST READ. [FORCED CHUCKLE] AND NOW... IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE TO CALL UP OUR FINAL NOMINEE-- [DRUM ROLL PLAYS] [DRUM-ROLLING ON HIS DESK] JACK PARKER! HEY! -[CHUCKLES] -OH! HEY-- PRINCIPAL KAR. ESTEEMED TEACHERS, FELLOW STUDENTS... DO I DESERVE STUDENT OF THE YEAR? THAT'S NOT FOR ME TO DECIDE. WHAT I DO KNOW IS, STUDENT OF THE YEAR WAS THE FURTHEST THING FROM MY MIND THE DAY I FINALLY RAISED ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY MIKEY'S POOR, SICK DOG A ROBOT TAIL. [CANNED AUDIENCE "AW"ING AND GUSHING] YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE LITTLE GUY... WAGGING THAT THING. I MEAN, HE ALMOST TOOK OFF. [QUIETLY TO SELF]: THIS MAN IS AN ARTIST. I MAY NOT HAVE THE BEST GRADES OR THE PERFECT ATTENDANCE, BUT I'M THE TYPE OF GUY THAT'LL RAISE MONEY TO BRING A POOR, SICK DOG'S BUT INTO THE 21ST CENTURY. I JUST WISH... I WISH MIKEY COULD BE HERE RIGHT NOW. IT WOULD MEAN SO MUCH FOR ME TO SHARE THIS MOMENT WITH HIM. [SNIFFLING] IF HE WERE HERE RIGHT NOW, I WOULD TELL HIM-- [BOY]: TELL ME WHAT, JACK? WHO SAID THAT? [BOY]: IT'S ME! MIKEY! [] MIKEY? NO! [CANNED APPLAUSE PLAYS] MIKEY! HEY, EVERYBODY, IT'S MIKEY! UH-H-H-H... W-- YOU'RE HERE. 'COURSE I'M HERE! I'M NOT GONNA MISS MY GOOD FRIEND'S SPECIAL DAY. NO WAY! HOW ABOU THIS GUY? ISN'T HE THE GREATEST? [ALL APPLAUDING] [TENSE SIGH] OKAY! WHO ARE YOU? I'M MIKEY! NO. NO, NO, NO. NO, NO. NO. NO. YES. YES, YES, YES. YES, YES. YES, YES. YES. THA-- THAT CAN'T BE. I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE IN MY LIFE. OF COURSE YOU HAVE. JUST CHECK US OUT ON "FACES AND FRIENDS." WHA-- NO. OKAY, IT CAN'T BE. IT SURE CAN. DUDE! OH... DUDE. I'M SURE I HAVE YOU TO THANK FOR THIS LITTLE PRANK. ME? NO. I DON'T HAVE THE LEVEL OF COMMITMEN TO TAKE ON SOMETHING LIKE THIS. AND I THINK IT'S A STEP ABOVE ERIC'S CAPACITY FOR PLANNING AND EXECUTION. IS HE REAL? AM I REAL? IS ANYTHING REAL? YOU MUST BE RYAN. JACK'S TRIED-AND-TRUE BEST FRIEND. THE KIND OF GUY THAT'D GIVE YOU THE UNDERWEAR OFF HIS BUT IF YOU NEEDED 'EM. AW, DUDE! YOU TOLD HIM ABOUT THAT? THAT WAS A SECRET. IT IS A SECRET! WELL, OBVIOUSLY, IT ISN'T! I THOUGH YOU MADE MIKEY UP! I DID MAKE HIM UP. WELL, THEN WHO'S TALKING TO ERIC OVER THERE? A QUARTER? CHECK THE OTHER EAR. CHECK THE OTHER EAR! LOVIN' ME SOME ERIC. I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET JEN AND ALL YOUR OTHER FRIENDS! [SIGHS] MAN. IF HE STARTS TALKING TO EVERYONE, I WON'T WIN STUDENT OF THE YEAR. I WON'T GET TO GO TO FENWAY, AND FORGET ABOUT HANGING WITH DANNY KOSTAS. MAN, WE'VE GOT TO GET RID OF-- OH! JACKIE! [GASPS] OH! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH, JACKIE, BOO-BOO BEAR! WHO ARE YOU? I'M LISA, YOU SILLY GOOSE. OH! THIS IS LISA! YOUR GIRLFRIEND! -FROM ARIZONA. -COOL. NO! NOT COOL. IT'S NOT REAL. I MADE IT UP. THERE'S NO ARIZONA? I KNEW THE GRAND CANYON WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE! WAIT! YOU MADE UP A FAKE GIRLFRIEND? YOU LIED TO US? I AM NOT FAKE! SEE WHAT I MADE FOR YOU, SNOOKUMS? [] DUDE? ON IT. HEY... JEN. [CHUCKLES] UH... I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING. OKAY, OKAY. UH, WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHY WOULDN'T I WANT TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND? WHAT? I'M NO YOUR BOYFRIEND! ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME? [SOBS] AFTER I DROVE ALL THE WAY FROM ARIZONA? ON A LEARNER'S PERMIT? WOW, JACK, I'M SURPRISED! YOU AND LISA ALWAYS SEEMED SO SOLID. HMM... I HAVE NO IDEA IF YOU SHOULD TAKE JAZZ OR TAP. AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU'VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK ME THAT. OKAY. JUST, UH... TELL ME WHICH YOU LIKE BETTER. THIS ISN'T EVEN REAL! WHAT WE HAVE ISN'T REAL? [DARKLY]: I SEE HOW IT IS. [ROARS]: YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST THROW ME AWAY, LIKE A STALE ENCHILADA? WELL, GIRLFRIENDS ARE NOT ENCHILADAS, JACK! MAYBE YOU SHOULDN' BE BREAKING UP IN PUBLIC LIKE THIS. WE AREN'T BREAKING UP. WE COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE BREAKING UP BECAUSE WE WERE NEVER DATING! [STARTS WAILING]: WAH-AH-AH! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. HOW ABOUT THIS? [LISA WAILING LOUDLY IN THE DISTANCE] LET'S GO OVER HERE WHERE NO ONE CAN SEE YOU CRYING. [LISA WHIMPERING] TA-DAH! AS IMPRESSIVE AS THIS IS... NOT, JUST TELL JACK THA I CAME OUT HERE TO SEE MIKEY, BUT YOU WEIRDED ME OUT, SO I LEFT. OKAY. I THINK JAZZ, BUT... LET ME SEE THE TAP AGAIN. CALM DOWN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT GOT INTO ME. I'M REALLY EXCITED TO SEE YOU. I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU WERE THE ONE. LET'S GET A FAMILY CELL PLAN. THAT WAY, OUR LOVE WILL BE FOREVER. YEAH... LET'S DO THAT. UH... OH! BUT I GOT SCHOOL, SO HOW ABOUT I MEET YOU AFTER? AFTER SCHOOL IT IS. EE! OKAY. OH! YOU KNOW WHAT, MIKEY? WHY DON'T YOU GO WITH HER, SO SHE DOESN'T GET LOST? OH, BUT I WANTED TO MEET-- THANKS, MAN. YOU'RE JUST THE BEST. DON'T KEEP ME WAITING TOO LONG, POOKIE. YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE TO BE DISAPPOINTED. [GIGGLES] DUDE! WHAT IS HAPPENING? WORST-CASE SCENARIO? WORST-CASE SCENARIO! ALL OF MY LIES ARE ALL COMING TRUE. SOMEHOW, THE THINGS THAT I MADE UP ARE REAL NOW. WHAT? HOW? WHAT? EXACTLY. SO, WAIT-- IF I LIE ABOUT SOMETHING, IT'LL COME TRUE? I... HAVE A JET-PACK! I MEAN, I'M NO GOING CRAZY, AM I? AM I GOING CRAZY? [THUD] GUYS, IT DIDN' WORK FOR ME. MAYBE I SHOULD TO TRY IT FROM HIGHER. WE CAN'T BOTH BE GOING CRAZY. I'M SURE THERE'S A PERFECTLY REASONABLE EXPLANATION FOR ALL THIS. HAVE YOU ANGERED A GENIE? OR, UH, STOLEN GOLD FROM A LEPRECHAUN? NOT THAT I'M AWARE OF. WELL, WE NEED TO FIGURE OU HOW TO STOP THIS BEFORE IT GETS WORSE. "WORSE"? HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE? OH! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? YOU NEVER SAY THAT! ROOKIE MOVE, MAN! SO YOU THINK YOU CAN COME INTO OUR FOREST, PICK A FIGHT... AND JUST FORGET ABOUT IT? WE DIDN'T FORGET. LUMBERJACKS HAVE MEMORIES LIKE MOOSE. MOOSE HAVE EXCELLENT MEMORIES. DON'T TELL ME. THE LUMBERJACKS? FROM WHEN YOU DIDN'T BREAK YOUR ARM AT THE BIKE PARK? OH, OKAY. GUYS... THERE'S NO NEED TO GET PHYSICAL. WE CAN WORK THIS OUT! I CAME HERE TO WEAR FLANNEL AND KICK BUTT. AND I ALREADY GOT MY FLANNELS ON! FLANNEL IS THE FABRIC OF CHOICE FOR LUMBERJACKIN' BECAUSE IT CONTINUES TO INSULATE EVEN WHEN IT'S WET. THAT WAS SURPRISINGLY INFORMATIVE. WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIGHT THEM. YOU GUYS TAKE THE BIG ONE. THEY'RE BOTH THE BIG ONE! [ROARS] [STOPS ROARING] [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] STURDY. HEH. GOOD LUCK. OKAY. I CAN BUY YOU THREE SECONDS. HEY, GUYS! CAN I GET YOUR OPINION ON SOMETHING? [FEET TAPPING] NO-NO-NO-- NO, OKAY. OKAY. [RYAN YELPS]: OOH! I DON'T THINK THAT'S SUPPOSED TO STRETCH! AHH-- OOH! AH! [HIGH VOICE]: SO MAYBE THE JAZZ, THEN? [LUMBERJACKS GRUNTING] [FUMING] -PULL HARDER! -IT'S SUCK! YOU'D BETTER BE COWERING IN THERE! [GRUNTING] [ROCK]: COME ON, CHIP! PUT SOME MUSCLE INTO IT. JACK? AHH. HI, JENNIFER. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? OH. UM, LUMBERJACKS. I'M GOING TO PRETEND THAT'S NOT A WEIRD ANSWER. SO, UH, WHATCHA-- WHATCHA DOIN'? OH, JUS TALKING TO MIKEY. WHAT? HEY, BUDDY. NICE SHIRT! A LOT OF PEOPLE CAN' PULL OFF THE SHREDDED LOOK, BUT YOU ARE NAILIN' IT. [SNAP] -[ROARING]: IT'S TIMBER-R-R-R-- -TIMBER-R-R-- [OVERLAPPING, MEEKLY]: ...TIME. OKAY, UH, LET'S GO STAND SOMEWHERE ELSE. HERE THEY ARE! OKAY. COLUMBIAN MAPLE? [SCOFFS] IT'S LIKE THE GUY'S NEVER BARRICADED A DOOR BEFORE. [BOTH CRACKING UP] [PLANK CLATTERS] I TOLD YOU TO STAY WITH LISA. OH, SHE GOT TIRED OF WAITING AROUND AND TOOK OFF. SOMETHING ABOU STAKING OUT YOUR HOUSE? WAIT. WHO'S LISA? OH, UH, JUST A... OLD FRIEND FROM COLLEGE. YOU'RE STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL. IT WAS A SUMMER PROGRAM. WELL, I'M GLAD I GOT TO FINALLY MEET MIKEY. HE'S FANTASTIC. WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW? YOU HAVE TO COME OVER TO MY HOUSE. WE HAVE THE CUTEST KITTY. AW! YOU THROW IN SOME LEMONADE, AND YOU JUST DESCRIBED MY PERFECT AFTERNOON. WE'VE GOT A HUGGER! OH, OKAY. WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HER? YOU CAN'T TALK TO HER. -WHY CAN'T I TALK TO HER? -YEAH, WHY CAN'T HE TALK TO ME? IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS ARE JUS BOTH COMPLETE STRANGERS. WE ARE NOT STRANGERS. YOU'VE TOLD ME SO MUCH ABOUT JENNY, -I FEEL LIKE I ALREADY KNOW HER. "JENNY"? YOU TALK ABOUT ME? PFFT. NO! SURE HE DOES. AND YOU ARE JUST AS BEAUTIFUL AS JACK IS ALWAYS SAYING YOU ARE. I NEVER TOLD SAID THAT TO YOU! YOU DON'T THINK SHE'S BEAUTIFUL? OH, WHAT? [STAMMERING] NO, I-- [SIGHING] WILL YOU EXCUSE US FOR A SECOND? THANK YOU. I CAN SEE WHY YOU LIKE HER SO MUCH. DUDE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU! WILL YOU PLEASE JUST STAY AWAY FROM HER? AND ALL MY FRIENDS! I HAVE BIG THINGS GOING ON THIS WEEK, AND I CAN' HAVE YOU MESSING THEM UP! [KID]: HEY, LOOK! ISN'T THAT MIKEY? HEY! [LAUGHTER AND CHATTER] THEY WEDGIED ME SO HARD, I CAN TASTE MY UNDERWEAR. I THINK I NEED PLIERS TO DIG THEM OUT. [LAUGHING AND CHATTING] THIS GUY'S GOTTA BE A FAKE. IF ONLY WE COULD PROVE IT. MAYBE WE CAN. WE HAVE TO DEFEAT HIM IN THE ARENA OF THE MIND. OKAY. [RYAN WHIMPERING] OH... HEY, MIKEY. SO, YOU'VE KNOWN JACK A WHILE NOW, HUH? YEAH, TWO YEARS. A TRUE FRIEND. AREN'T FRIENDS THE GREATEST? YEAH. I STILL REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I MET JACK. THIRD GRADE! SCIENCE CLASS. OH! YEAH, YEAH. I WAS TOTALLY BUMMED BECAUSE, UH, MY PET GOLDFISH HAD JUST DIED. UH, "LADYBUG." AND RYAN HELPED ME FLUSH HIM. THAT'S JUST WHAT FRIENDS DO. YOU GUYS NEVER TOLD ME THAT STORY. THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL. HMM, WELL, I MUS HAVE THINGS WRONG, BECAUSE, IF I RECALL, YOU ME IN THE FIFTH GRADE. YOUR PET DIDN'T DIE, IT ESCAPED, WHICH MAKES MORE SENSE, BECAUSE IT WAS A TURTLE, NOT A GOLDFISH, AND YOU DIDN'T FLUSH IT, RYAN HELPED YOU PAINT A ROCK UNDER THE BIG OAK TREE IN YOUR BACKYARD AS A MEMORIAL. AND SOMETIMES... YOU STILL HEAR THE PITTER-PATTER OF TINY FLIPPERS WHEN YOU SIT IN ITS SHADE. [SIGHS] AT LEAS THAT'S HOW I REMEMBER IT. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. WHY IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING? [CAR HORN HONKS] LET'S GO, PIT-STAINS. OKAY, LET'S FIGURE THIS OUT. HOW MANY LIES HAVE YOU TOLD? I STARTED A LIST. ONE TIME, I TRIED TO IMPRESS PEOPLE AT SUMMER CAMP BY TELLING THEM MY UNCLE WAS A PRO WRESTLER OH, I WAS LATE MEETING ERIC AT THE MOVIES SO I SAID I WAS ALMOST ABDUCTED BY ALIENS. YOU ARE LUCKY TO BE ALIVE. I SAID I WAS ADOPTED BY ASIAN PARENTS SO I COULD CUT CLASS ON CHINESE NEW YEAR-- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE IT'S EASIER IF YOU LIST THE THINGS YOU DIDN'T LIE ABOUT. HANNAH? WHEN YOU GOT BRACES, I WAS EMBARRASSED. I TOLD PEOPLE I DIDN'T HAVE A SISTER. BUT YOU'RE STILL HERE. YOU'RE STILL HERE! THAT MEANS THERE'S STILL HOPE! [BRAKES SCREECH] OKAY. I'LL HOP ON THE CRAZY TRAIN. WHAT ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT? HEY. LOOK! IT'S JENNIFER AND MIKEY! OVER HERE, GUYS! WE HAVE TO FOLLOW THEM. WE HAVE TO FIND OU WHAT HE'S SAYING TO HER. [SIGHS] I DON'T KNOW-- I'M JUST TWO BLOCKS UP ON THE LEFT. [RESENTFUL SIGH] OKAY, LET'S GO. BUT WHATEVER YOU DO, ACT NATURAL. [SIGHS DISMISSIVELY] DUDE, WOULD YOU STOP THAT? THE NEIGHBORS ARE GONNA THINK WE'RE UP TO SOMETHING. WE ARE UP TO SOMETHING! [MIKEY AND JENNIFER LAUGHING] OH... DUDE, HAS JENNIFER EVER INVITED YOU OVER? SILENCE! -[JACK GASPS] -[BOYS HIT GROUND] YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. I KNOW. I'M GOING IN. WHAT? I LIED THIS GUY INTO EXISTENCE. I NEED TO MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING TO HURT ANYONE, OR WORSE-- MESS UP MY CHANCES WITH THE SOX. THAT'S WORSE? FINE, "EQUALLY TRAGIC." [DISGUSTED GROAN] -DUDE. -ON IT. [DOORBELL CHIMES] HI. CAN I HELP YOU? YEAH, UM, HI. -HI! -HI. I'M SELLING BUMBLEBEE GIRLS COOKIES. AND YOU'RE A BUMBLEBEE... GIRL? NOT YET. JUST GOT TO SELL SOME MORE COOKIES. OH... [CHUCKLES] YOU ARE... [CHUCKLES] [MIKEY AND JENNIFER LAUGHING] SO... I'M JUST GONNA GRAB MY PURSE. NO, NO. NO, NO. UM, FIRST, I NEED TO RECITE THE BUMBLEBEE GIRL CODE FOR YOU. GREAT. "A BUMBLEBEE GIRL IS HONEST AND TRUE. "A BUMBLEBEE GIRL IS BLACK AND--" YELLOW? YELLOW! [AWKWARD LAUGH] UH, "A BUMBLEBEE GIRL NEVER STINGS UNLESS SHE HAS TO." [JENNIFER]: AND THIS IS BUTTONS. [MIKEY]: OH, MY GOSH, BUTTONS IS SO CUTE. [JENNIFER]: I KNOW! [MIKEY]: BUTTONS IS CUTE AS A BUTTON INSIDE A BUTTON. THAT'S BUTTON WITHIN ANOTHER BUTTON. [JENNIFER]: YOU ARE CRAZY. [MIKEY]: HE'S SO CUTE! I WANT TO SNUGGLE WITH HIM! KITTENS. [EXHALES DEEPLY] [HUMMING] [WATER RUNNING] [HUMMING LOUDER] OH, YEAH. PEW! [SNIFFING] OOH. [SNIFFS AND GAGS] [SNIFFS] MM! HELLO. [WATER CONTINUES RUNNING] [EXHALES CONTENTEDLY] [WIFE LINDA]: HONEY! DO YOU WAN SOME BUMBLEBEE GIRL COOKIES? OOH! GET ME THE "LEMONY ZESTS." BUT NO "PEPPERMINT FATTIES!" THEY'RE WAY OVERRATED! HANG ON. I'D BETTER HANDLE THIS. [SHUTS WATER OFF] [SLIPPING] [CRASHING] [CRASHING] [BOWL SHATTERING] WHAT... JUST... HAPPENED? [MIKEY AND JENNIFER LAUGHING] [LAUGHING AS GLASSES CLINK] I SAID I DON'T WAN ANY "PEPPERMINT FATTIES." I TOLD HIM, HAL. I TOLD HIM, I SAID, "MY HUSBAND DOESN'T LIKE THE PEPPERMINT FATTIES." [LINDA]: SO... BEST OF LUCK BECOMING A BUMBLE BEE GIRL. WAIT. FIRST, I NEED TO GE YOUR OPINION ON SOMETHING. [HUMMING AS HE TAPS] WHOO! [CHUCKLES] OKAY. OR... OR-- [JENNIFER]: YEAH, IT JUST SEEMS LIKE JACK IS ALWAYS PLAYING GAMES, YOU KNOW? [MIKEY]: I'VE FOUND THA PEOPLE TEND TO PLAY GAMES WHEN THEY'RE AFRAID TO SHOW YOU WHO THEY REALLY ARE. I'M WITH OLD BEN FRANKLIN ON THIS ONE-- HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY. [CHUCKLING] WHAT DOES THAT GUY KNOW ABOUT HONESTY? HE'S A TOTAL LIE! YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE I CAN TELL YOU ANYTHING, MIKEY. WELL, YOU CAN DEFINITELY TELL ME WHERE I CAN GET SOME MORE OF THESE DELICIOUS MUFFINS. THEY'RE DELICIOUS. [FUMES QUIETLY]: OH, YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THOSE MUFFINS. [CELL PHONE CHIMES] DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING? [MIKEY]: MUST'VE BEEN YOUR FOLKS... HOW MANY EMOTICONS CAN YOU USE? ...WHO ARE AWESOME, BY THE WAY! [JENNIFER CHUCKLES] DOO-DAH! -YEAH... -YEAH? WELL, "YES" TO THE TAP, BUT I'M STICKING STRONG ON "NO" TO THE PEPPERMINT FATTIES. AW, COME ON. NO. WAIT! BUMBLEBEES NEVER GIVE UP! HAL, HONEY, CAN YOU EMPTY THE KITTY LITTER? BUT MY BUBBLE BATH IS GONNA GET COLD. IT'S BEEN A WEEK. -[SIGHS] FINE. -LOVE YOU! UGH. KITTENS. [JACK GROANING] [HAL GROANING]: OHH! OHH, OHH... OHH... UGH. GROSS. SO GROSS. OH! SHH, SHH, SHH... [HAL]: HONEY? THE GARBAGE ISN'T A TOY. OKAY? ENJOY YOUR TEA. [HAL CHUCKLES, THEN GROANS] PLEASE, PLEASE! SHH, SHH, SHH! [DEJECTED SIGH] [TIRES SCREECHING] SON, WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? NEIGHBORS CALLED ABOUT A TRESPASSER. DON'T YOU WORK A THE CONVENTION CENTER? I DID. UNTIL I WAS FIRED FOR LEAVING MY POS TO CHASE PRETEND BEARS. IF I EVER CATCH THAT LITTLE PUNK THAT LIED TO ME, I'M GONNA WRITE SUCH A-- JACK? OH... HEY. JENNIFER. [CHUCKLES] MIKEY. YOU OKAY, PARDNER? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? YOU KNOW, I'D RATHER NOT SAY, SO I'M JUST GONNA-- HEY! THAT WAS COMPLETELY UNCALLED FOR! HAD MY HOUSE KEYS ON IT! [RYAN]: I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT, DUDE. I MEAN, IT COULD'VE BEEN WORSE. [CRACK] DUDE, I HAD TO SHOWER THREE TIMES JUST TO GET THE KITTY LITTER OUTTA MY EARS. YOU KNOW, I'M SURE JENNIFER'S FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT IT. YEAH, SHE'S NEVER GONNA FORGET ABOUT IT. THIS AFTERNOON, I HAD IT ALL, NOW IT'S ALL FALLING APAR BECAUSE OF MIKEY. WELL, TECHNICALLY, YOU MADE HIM, SO, REALLY, IT'S ON YOU. WELL, WE HAVE TO THINK TACTICALLY. WE HAVE TO FIGURE OU WHO MIKEY IS AND SEND HIM BACK TO WHATEVER DIMENSION HE CAME FROM. [CRACK] DUDE. DROP THE BAT. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PRACTICE BAT-BOYING IF YOU DON' DROP THE BAT? YEAH. RIGHT. SORRY. -THANK YOU. -NAILED IT. THANKS. [STUDENTS LAUGHING AND CHATTING] [WHISPERING AND SNICKERING] YOU DON'T THINK THEY'RE LAUGHING ABOU WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY, DO YOU? NAH. I'M SURE IT'S SOMETHING ELSE. DUDE! I JUST HEARD THE FUNNIEST THING ABOUT YOU WEARING MAKEUP OUTSIDE JENNIFER'S HOUSE. EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING ABOUT IT. I MEAN, EVERYBODY. YOU'RE FAMOUS! OKAY, MAYBE THEY WERE LAUGHING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY. [SIGHS DARKLY] I'M A JOKE. HEY! STAY FOCUSED. TODAY IS ALL ABOUT MIKEY. -WHAT'S ALL ABOUT ME? -GAH! WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? WELL, MY MOM SAYS FROM HEAVEN, BUT MY BIOLOGY TEACHER SAYS-- FORGET IT! I DON'T CARE. JACK, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE MAD AT ME. YOU'RE NOT MAD AT ME, ARE YOU? M-MAD? [SNAPS]: MAD? HEY, JACK. EASY. OH, WHAT? WHY WOULD I BE MAD? WE'RE GOOD FRIENDS, RIGHT? I SURE AM GLAD TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT, BECAUSE I HAD SO MUCH FUN HERE YESTERDAY, I DECIDED TO COME BACK TODAY. IN FACT, I THINK I'M GONNA TRANSFER HERE. I WANNA SEE YOU WIN "STUDENT OF THE YEAR." GREAT NEWS. GREAT NEWS! I KNEW YOU'D BE EXCITED. OH, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, JENNIFER INVITED ME TO TAG ALONG TO HER CLASSES TODAY. ISN'T SHE NICE? OH-- [GASPS] UH-- -HI! -OH, UH, OKAY-- GREAT-- GREAT TALKING TO YOU, MIKEY. YOU HAVE A FANTASTIC DAY! I ALWAYS DO! WHY ARE YOU BEING SO NICE TO HIM? ARE YOU HAVING SOME SOR OF BREAKDOWN RIGHT NOW? CHECK IT OUT. YOU STOLE HIS WALLET? I'M GONNA GIVE IT BACK! AFTER I FIND OU WHERE HE LIVES. OH, PERFECT, WELL, THAT MAKES IT ALL BETTER THEN. IF WE'RE GOING TO SEND HIM BACK TO WHERE HE CAME FROM, WE HAVE TO FIND OU WHERE THAT IS. MIKEY, MIKEY, MIKEY... THESE ALL SAY MIKEY! JACKPOT. HA! OH, WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, MIKEY. YOU ARE GOING DOWNTOWN! ACTUALLY, I THINK THAT'S UPTOWN. AND TO THE WEST. OH! OH, YEAH, NO, HE'S GOING DOWNTOWN. EVEN THOUGH THAT'S THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF THIS ADDRESS. ALRIGHT, WELL, THIS IS IT. THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT. THIS GUY IS TOO GOOD. HE'S BEEN MESSING WITH US THE WHOLE TIME. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I USED TO TELL MY PARENTS I WOULD TAKE MIKEY HERE AS A REWARD WHEN HE DID WELL ON TESTS. COME ON. [LAUGHTER, CHATTER, GAMES PINGING] OKAY, OKAY, SO NOW WE JUST HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHO MIKEY IS. AND HOW ARE WE GONNA DO THAT? I DON'T KNOW. OH, JACK. WHAT'S UP? OH, HEY! GUY. DO YOU KNOW THAT KID? NO. HEY, EXCUSE ME? UH, HI! SO, UH... HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? HOW DO I KNOW WHO YOU ARE? DUDE, YOU'RE HILARIOUS. WHERE'S MIKEY? AW, YOU KNOW MIKEY? 'COURSE I KNOW MIKEY. YOU GUYS ARE BOTH HILARIOUS. YOU AND MIKEY ARE HERE ALL THE TIME. DUDE, ARE YOU SURE MIKEY ISN'T REAL? RIGHT NOW, I'M NOT EVEN SURE I'M REAL. UH, OKAY, SO, UM, YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO KNOW WHERE MIKEY IS NOW, DO YOU? OR WHERE HE LIVES? OR WHO HIS PARENTS ARE? OR WHAT SCHOOL HE GOES TO? OR WHERE HE HANGS OUT? SMOOTH... NOT STALKERY AT ALL. I KNOW WHERE HE HANGS. HE HANGS HERE. WITH YOU. THAT WAS WEIRD AND UNINFORMATIVE. WE GOT A PLAN "B"? [] THE HIPPO. WHAT ABOUT IT? MIKEY HAD HIM ON HIS BACKPACK. MAYBE THE HIPPO KNOWS SOMETHING. AW, YEAH. I MEAN, WHY NOT? WOULDN'T BE THE STRANGEST THING THAT'S HAPPENED IN THE PAST TWO DAYS. MM-MM. HEY! HEY, HIPPO! [] HE'S RUNNING. WE GOT A RUNNER! WE GOT A RUNNER! [] LOOK AT HIM. HE'S LIKE A FURRY, PURPLE NINJA IN THAT THING! LET'S GO! OH... -HE'S GETTING AWAY! -I SEE THAT. [GRUNTING] THIS IS THE WORST! NOPE! NO. THIS IS. UGH... -WAIT A SECOND. -YEAH? WHY ARE WE CHASING THE HIPPO AGAIN? BECAUSE HE RAN! MAYBE HE RAN BECAUSE WE'RE CHASING HIM. DON'T START THINKING ON ME NOW, MAN. LET'S GO! -ALRIGHT. OKAY. -YOU GOOD? YEAH. I'M OKAY. HEY! THIS IS THE BUMPER CARS, NOT A TRACK MEET. WANNA CROSS THE FLOOR? YOU GOTTA BUMP. [] -GO GET 'IM. -I'M TRYING! DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. OH, OKAY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. MINE WAS AN ACCIDENT. SO WAS MINE. -SERIOUSLY? -SERIOUSLY! HE'S GETTING AWAY. AGAIN! -WHY IS HE ALWAYS RUNNING? -I DON'T KNOW. [] SHORTCUT. POOL TIME. OOF. -THAT WAS-- -AWESOME. -YES! -AHH! NICE! WELL, WELL, WELL! WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE? SERIOUSLY? DOES THIS TOWN HAVE ANOTHER SECURITY GUARD? SINCE WHEN DID YOU STAR WORKING AT FUNLAND? SINCE I GOT FIRED FROM MY LAST JOB. SOME SUDSY CLOWN THREW MY KEYS INTO A BUSH. WHY WOULD-- WHY WOULD HE DO THAT? I DON'T KNOW. MAN. BUT, PLEASE, WE HAVE TO TALK TO THAT-- ...HIPPO. HIPPO? OKAY. YOU'RE COMING WITH ME, FELLAS. PLEASE, THE HIPPO IS THE KEY TO EVERYTHING! OH, YOU'RE HOME LATE. HOW WAS YOUR DAY? YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE I IF I TOLD YOU. HEY, BUDDY! WHAT IS HE DOING HERE? WE'RE JUST PUZZLING. [GASPS] FINISHED! [TRIO GASPING] LOVELY! LOOK, JACK. MIKEY FINALLY FINISHED OUR PUZZLE. WHY HAVEN'T YOU BROUGH MIKEY AROUND HERE BEFORE? HE IS A DOLL! NO. YOU ARE. OH, HO, HO, HO! [MIRTHFUL CHUCKLING] I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR GAME IS-- THIS ISN'T A GAME. IT'S A PUZZLE. [HUFFS] YEAH, I KNOW IT IS. AND I'M GONNA FIGURE IT OUT. I'M GONNA FIGURE IT ALL OUT. HEY, SPORT, ARE YOU FEELING OKAY? PULL UP A CHAIR, AMIGO. WE SURE COULD USE YOUR HELP... FOR THE NEXT ONE! HOW DOES 5,000 PIECES OF SAND AND SKY SOUND? SOUNDS LIKE I'M SLEEPIN' OVER. [BOISTEROUS CHUCKLING] [CASUAL CHATTER] UH, JACK? CAN I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU? SURE. WHY NOT? LOOK, JACK, I PROBABLY SHOULDN' SAY THIS, BUT I'M REALLY ROOTING FOR YOU TO WIN "STUDEN OF THE YEAR." THANKS, PRINCIPAL KAR. I MEAN, YOU WERE NEVER THAT IMPRESSIVE ON PAPER. OR IN PERSON. BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE, THE VALUES THAT I'VE TRIED TO INSTILL AS THIS SCHOOL'S ADMINISTRATOR, THEY GOT THROUGH TO YOU. AND IF YOU WERE TO WIN THE AWARD, WELL... IT WOULD BE SUCH AN INSPIRATION TO ALL THE OTHER BELOW-AVERAGE JOES OUT THERE. THANKS, PRINCIPAL KAR. THAT SAID, I'VE RECENTLY HEARD SOME DISTURBING RUMORS ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOR OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL. IF THERE TURNS OUT TO BE ANY TRUTH TO THESE "RUMORS," I'M AFRAID I'LL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO DISQUALIFY YOU. YEAH, YEAH. NO, NO PROBLEM. I MEAN, I'M SURE THEY'RE JUST A-- JUST A HARMLESS MISUNDERSTANDING. I CERTAINLY HOPE SO. [WHISTLE BLOWS] THE HIPPO IS THE KEY TO EVERYTHING. IF ONLY WE COULD JUST FIND HIM, WE'D FINALLY HAVE SOME ANSWERS. WE SHOULD GO TO THE ZOO. THAT'S WHERE THE HIPPOS LIVE. [BOFF] BAD NEWS, BUDDY. YOU'RE OUT. HEY, IF ANYBODY HAD TO GET ME OUT, I'M GLAD IT WAS YOU. MIKEY'S THE BEST. NO. MIKEY IS THE WORST. RIGHT! BUT HE'S ALSO PRETTY GREAT. LATER, MIKEY. RED'S YOUR COLOR, BUDDY! [BOFF] -[MIKEY]: SORRY, YOU'RE OUT. -GOOD SHOT, MIKEY! I HEARD PRINCIPAL KAR TALKED TO YOU TODAY. IS EVERYTHING OKAY? I AM GOING TO WIN STUDENT OF THE YEAR, AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME. WHY WOULD I WANT TO STOP YOU, FRIEND? [] NO! NO, NO, NO. HE DOESN'T EVEN GO TO THIS SCHOOL! [] PSST, JENNIFER-- -[GASPING] -OH! SORRY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I JUST WANTED TO SAY SORRY... YOU KNOW, GYM CLASS... WHEN I HIT YOU IN THE GUTS WITH THAT BALL-- THAT WASN'T COOL. OH... SEE, I THOUGH YOU MIGHT BE APOLOGIZING FOR SNEAKING INTO MY HOUSE AND TRASHING OUR BATHROOM. YEAH... RIGHT. THAT. UH, I'M ALSO VERY SORRY ABOUT THAT. ALTHOUGH, YOUR SISTER GIVES ONE HECK OF A MAKEOVER. JACK, WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU? YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST STARTING TO KIND OF MAYBE THINK YOU WERE CUTE, AND THEN YOU WENT CRAZY. YOU THOUGHT I WAS CUTE? AND THEN YOU WEN CRAZY. [JACK SIGHS] IT'S JUST-- IT'S MIKEY. HE'S GOT ME ALL MESSED UP. WELL, I THOUGH YOU GUYS WERE FRIENDS. YOU'VE BEEN TUTORING HIM AND HANGING OUT WITH HIM, AND YOU SAVED HIS DOG BY BUYING HIM A ROBOT TAIL! RIGHT? YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S ALL TRUE. WELL, THEN WHY ARE YOU ACTING SO WEIRD? CAN WE CHALK I UP TO HORMONES? [LAUGHS] HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU. YOU JUST REALIZED THAT? NO, NO, I'M ACTUALLY TALKING TO YOU. SEE, LIKE, USUALLY, ALL I CAN DO IS, LIKE, BABBLE AND MAKE WEIRD NOISES. HUH. YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S KINDA NICE. SEEMS LIKE WE'RE HAVING A MOMENT... AND I DON' WANT TO RUIN IT, SO I'M GONNA LEAVE. GUESS I'LL SEE YOU AT CAITLIN'S POOL PARTY THIS WEEKEND? ACTUALLY, I WON'T BE THERE. I'M VOLUNTEERING AT THE ANIMAL SHELTER ALL DAY WITH MIKEY. MIKEY! AND WE'RE BACK TO WEIRD. HANNAH! DRIVE US TO FUNLAND. "PLEASE?" HANNAH, DRIVE US TO FUNLAND, PLEASE. NO. -COME ON! -WE CAN'T GO BACK THERE. OTIS BANNED US FOR LIFE. WE HAVE NO CHOICE. IF WE WANT TO GET RID OF MIKEY ONCE AND FOR ALL, WE HAVE TO FIND THAT PURPLE HIPPO. ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT HURLEY? WHAT? NO. WE'RE TALKING ABOU A GIANT PURPLE HIPPO WHO HANDS OUT BALLOONS AT FUNLAND. YEAH. HIS NAME'S HURLEY. AND HE DOESN' HAND OUT BALLOONS. UNLESS "BART THE BALLOON BABOON" WAS SICK THAT DAY. HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS? JACK, I WORKED THERE FOR TWO YEARS. SERIOUSLY? WHERE DID YOU THINK I WAS GOING FOR FOUR HOURS EVERY DAY AFTER SCHOOL? WELL, I DON'T KNOW, I WAS JUST HAPPY YOU WERE OUT OF THE HOUSE. [SHE SIGHS] HANNAH! HANNAH, PLEASE! [SIGHING] ALL I KNOW IS HURLEY'S MAIN HABITA IS THE JUNGLE MINI-GOLF COURSE. THANK YOU. YOU ARE AMAZING. I KNOW. TO FUNLAND! I TOLD YOU, I'M NO TAKING YOU THERE. TO THE BUS STOP! [] I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS, JACK. OTIS SAID NEVER TO COME BACK. REALLY? YOU'RE GONNA LISTEN TO THAT GUY? [GAGS] SWALLOW IT! SWALLOW IT. GOOD BOY. OKAY, LET'S GO. [] [ELEPHANT TRUMPETS, RYAN SHRIEKS] REALLY? REALLY? OKAY. -OKAY. YEAH. -OKAY. PLEASE KEEP IT TOGETHER. IT'S, UH, HEH, SO TRANQUIL DOWN HERE. TOTALLY NOT-- NOT CREEPY, AT ALL. [RYAN SHRIEKING] OKAY, OKAY, WOULD YOU RELAX? THIS ISN'T GONNA TAKE LONG, OKAY? IT'S NOT LIKE THAT HIPPO HAS MUCH ROOM TO... ...HIDE. [RYAN SHRIEKS] QUIET! HE'LL HEAR US. I WOULD JUST LIKE TO POINT OU THERE'S A NORTH AMERICAN GRIZZLY HANGING OUT WITH A ZEBRA IN A SUBTERRANEAN JUNGLE. WHAT KIND OF MADMAN DESIGNED THIS PLACE? LET'S GO. WALKING, WALKING... [DEEP BOOMING VOICE]: HELLO, JACK. [BOTH GASPING] YOU! WHY HAVE YOU BEEN LOOKING FOR ME? SHOW US YOUR FACE. SILENCE! I HAVE MANY FACES... AND MANY NAMES. I DON'T LIKE THIS, JACK! I DON'T LIKE THIS AT ALL. DID YOU MAKE ALL OF MY LIES COME TRUE? YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE! YOUR LIES ARE COMING TRUE BECAUSE YOU TOLD THEM SO OFTEN, THEY STOPPED BEING LIES. HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP? GOOD QUESTION. THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. WHY, THAT'S THE EASIEST PAR OF ALL, JACK. YOU MUST SIMPLY CONFESS. CONFESS? CONFESS WHAT? EVERYTHING! THE ONLY WAY TO FIGHT LIES IS WITH THE TRUTH. YOU MUST CONFESS TO EVERYONE THAT YOU'VE HURT. EVERYONE YOU'VE MISLED. EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER DECEIVED WITH YOUR LIES. YEAH, I CAN'T DO THAT. JACK! WHAT? WHAT, RYAN? OKAY, YOU WANT ME TO THROW EVERYTHING AWAY? STUDENT OF THE YEAR? THE RED SOX? BECAUSE SOME PURPLE HIPPO TOLD ME TO? YES! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU SHOULD DO. BE WARNED-- THE LONGER YOU REFUSE TO CONFESS, THE WORSE THINGS WILL GET. HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY GET WORSE? [DARKLY]: YOU'LL SEE. "CONFESS"? REALLY? THAT'S THE BIG SOLUTION? HOW GULLIBLE DOES THIS HIPPO THINK I... AM? -HEY, RYAN? -YEAH? YOU REMEMBER ON MY LIST? THERE WAS THAT TIME I WAS LATE MEETING ERIC, AND I BLAMED IT ON ALIENS? NO. HEH. NOPE! I-I DON'T REMEMBER. I-I REFUSE TO REMEMBER. WELL, TOO LATE. I THINK WE'RE ABOU TO BE ABDUCTED. NO! SEE, THERE'S-- THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS ALIENS, THOSE ARE JUST TWO GUYS, YOU KNOW, WEARING WEIRD SUITS, STANDING ON TOP OF A ROOF. AND RUNNING DOWN IT! [ALIENS SHRIEKING] RUN! OH! IN HERE! [] OKAY. THEY'RE GONE. YEAH. UGH... [GROANS WEARILY] OHH... OKAY. I JUST NEED, LIKE, TWO MINUTES WITHOUT COMING FACE-TO-FACE WITH ONE OF MY LIES. [BOTH GASPING] DID YOU THINK YOU COULD GET AWAY FROM US THAT EASY? WHAT PART OF THIS SEEMS EASY? TIME TO FINISH THIS. SHOULDN'T YOU GUYS BE OUT RIDING MOOSE OR SOMETHING? MOOSE-RIDING SEASON ISN'T TILL OCTOBER. THIS IS OAK SEASON... POPLAR SEASON, AND BUTT-KICKIN' SEASON. OH, AND ALSO NORWAY SPRUCE. AND ALSO NORWAY SPRUCE. [GROWLING] HOW ABOUT, THIS TIME, YOU DISTRACT THEM AND I RUN? HOW ABOU WE BOTH RUN? -DEAL! -OKAY! HEY! THIS PARKING STRUCTURE IS FOR PAYING CUSTOMERS ONLY! YOU TWO ARE TRESPASSING. YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. ELEVATOR! GO! I HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO CALL THE AUTHORITIES! COME ON. COME ON. OW! GEEZ. NOT AGAIN. COME ON! [LUMBERJACKS GROWLING] [RELIEVED SIGHS] WE'RE GOING UP. WHY ARE WE GOING UP? I DON'T KNOW. I JUST PUSHED THE FIRST BUTTON I SAW! WE'LL BE TRAPPED ON THE ROOF. WHO BUILDS PARKING GARAGES OUT OF CEMENT? THESE BOOTS AREN'T MADE FOR RUNNING! [BOYS]: THE LUMBERJACKS! GET THAT KID! [POUNDING] I CAN'T BUST THROUGH! THIS KID IS SERIOUSLY STEPPING UP HIS BARRICADIN'. YEAH, HE IS. WHERE TO NOW? OH! THE FIRE ESCAPE. GO! PLEASE LET THERE BE A FIRE ESCAPE. -I'LL GET YOU. -LET'S GO. THIS WAY! NOPE! NO PLACE TO RUN NOW! I GOT YOU. OH, MAN. NOT TILL WE POUND HIM INTO SAWDUST! QUICK! LIE ABOUT A HELICOPTER. I DON'T THINK IT WORKS THAT WAY. WELL, THEN, HOW DOES IT WORK, JACK? COME ON, TELL ME. I'M SURE THE GREAT JACK PARKER CAN THINK OF A WAY OUT OF THIS. [CAR HORN HONKING] [BRAKES SCREECHING] -GET IN! -[RELIEVED GASPING] THANKS! THANKS, LISA. YOU'RE THE BEST! [LOCKS THUD] NOT YOU! WHAT? YOU BROKE MY HEART, JACKIE BEAR. LISA, PLEASE! WHATEVER YOU WANT, I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU. YOU'RE JUST SAYING THA BECAUSE YOU'RE SELFISH AND YOU DON'T WAN YOUR BRAINS SUCKED OU OF YOUR SKULL BY ALIENS. OKAY, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY? THE TRUTH. WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME? [] I-- I MADE YOU UP SO MY FRIENDS WOULDN'T MAKE FUN OF ME. GET IN. THANK YOU! OKAY, GO. GO! [BOTH GRUMBLING] DAGNABBIT! [ENGINE SHUTS OFF] THANK YOU FOR SAVING US. WE'D PROBABLY BE GETTING PROBED BY ALIENS RIGHT NOW IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU. I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE TROUBLE, JACKIE. SOMEONE'S GOT TO WATCH OU FOR YOU. LISTEN, I'M SORRY I LIED TO YOU. I NEVER, EVER MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS. IT'S JUST... I'M KIND OF INTO SOMEONE ELSE. IF YOU LIKE THIS SOMEONE ELSE SO MUCH, JACKIE BEAR, JUST TRY BEING HONEST WITH HER. NO ONE WANTS A RELATIONSHIP BUILT ON LIES. WELL, IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GO. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. THAT WAS NUTS. I KNOW, BUT IT WORKED. I MEAN, YOU WERE HONEST WITH LISA, AND SHE LEFT. THE HIPPO SPEAKS THE TRUTH. NOW YOU JUST NEED TO DO THE SAME THING AND WE CAN END ALL THIS. JACK... AW, JACK! I'M JUST SO CLOSE, RYAN. STUDENT OF THE YEAR GETS ANNOUNCED TOMORROW. ARE YOU CRAZY? AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH? THE HIPPO SAID I HAD TO CONFESS TO EVERYONE. HE DIDN'T SAY WHEN. I'LL JUST DO IT AFTER I WIN "STUDENT OF THE YEAR." NO, YOU'LL DO IT TOMORROW. AT THE ASSEMBLY! YOU CAN TELL EVERYONE AT ONCE AND BE DONE WITH IT. OKAY, WHAT ABOUT THE SOX? THERE'S MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAN THE SOX! NOT TO ME. IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT YOU! I THOUGH YOU HAD MY BACK. ARE YOU FOR REAL? I GOT HUMILIATED FOR YOU. I GOT WEDGIED FOR YOU! I VIOLATED EVERY RULE IN THE FUNLAND CODE OF CONDUC FOR YOU! I ALWAYS HAVE YOUR BACK! I'M STARTING TO WONDER IF YOU HAVE MINE. COME ON, RYAN. AND THERE'S ALIENS NOW, DUDE. ALIENS! IF I COME CLEAN, I WILL LOSE EVERYTHING. MAYBE YOU ALREADY HAVE. RYAN. MOM? DAD? HANNAH? IS ANYBODY HOME? ["MOM"]: HEY, SWEETIE! HOW WAS YOUR DAY? [GROANS] A COMPLETE DISASTER. I REALLY JUST DON' WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. ["DAD"]: WHAT'S UP, SPORT? TAN, HE DOESN' WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. "TAN"? H-- HI. WHERE ARE MY PARENTS? HONEY, WE ARE YOUR PARENTS. UH, YOU ARE NOT MY PARENTS. JACK, WE MAY NOT BE YOUR BIRTH PARENTS, BUT WE LOVE YOU JUST AS MUCH AS THEY EVER COULD. THE CHINESE NEW YEAR LIE. IT CAME TRUE. I'VE BEEN ADOPTED BY ASIAN PARENTS. THAT MEANS-- MOM! DAD! NO. WHERE'S HANNAH? HANNAH? [BAT CRACKS] [MAN]: LITTLE LATE FOR BATTING PRACTICE, ISN'T IT, KID? HEY, YOU OKAY? NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. I RUINED EVERYTHING. I HURT EVERYONE I LOVE. AND... FOR WHAT? SO PEOPLE WOULD THINK I WAS COOL? SO... SO PEOPLE WOULD LIKE ME? SO I COULD BE THE BAT BOY FOR THE RED SOX? NONE OF THA MEANS ANYTHING ANYMORE. THAT RED SOX THING SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD. IT SOUNDS GREAT. BUT IS IT WORTH LOSING YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR FAMILY AND THE... THE GIRL YOU'VE BEEN CRUSHING ON SINCE GRADE SCHOOL? WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY... I WOULD DO... ANYTHING TO FIX IT. [SIGHS] [HELMET HITS GROUND] [GASPS] DANNY KOSTAS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? SAME THING YOU'RE DOING HERE. WORKING THROUGH A SLUMP. WHAT BETTER PLACE TO DO I THAN THE PARK WHERE I LEARNED TO PLAY BALL? I JUST... I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF THIS ONE. THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO GET OUT OF A SLUMP, KID. KEEP SWINGING. YOU STOP SWINGING... YOU'LL NEVER WIN. YOU'RE RIGHT. DANNY KOSTAS, YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S LIKE-- IT'S LIKE THE HIPPO SAID. -HIPPO? -LONG STORY. I'M GONNA DO IT. I'M GONNA SWING FOR THE FENCES. THANK YOU, DANNY KOSTAS! CAN I CALL YOU "DANNY"? I'M GONNA CALL YOU "DANNY." BY THE WAY, UH, "DANNY"-- YOU'RE STEPPING IN THE BUCKET. THAT'S WHY YOU'RE PULLING TO THE LEFT. WELL, I'LL BE. I WAS STEPPING IN THE BUCKET. [] DUDE, WHERE'S JACK? HE'S GONNA MISS HIS OWN VICTORY SPEECH. WELL, I GUESS WE SHOULD GET STARTED. AHEM. "STUDENT OF THE YEAR" IS OUR SCHOOL'S MOST PRESTIGIOUS HONOR. IT IS DECIDED BY A PANEL OF TEACHERS, THE STUDENT COUNCIL, AND, OF COURSE, YOURS TRULY. [CHUCKLES AS MICROPHONE SQUEALS] HMM. EVERYONE UP HERE IS A WINNER. IT'S JUST THAT SOME WINNERS WIN MORE THAN OTHERS. AND NOW, THE MOMEN WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR... THIS YEAR'S STUDENT OF THE YEAR IS... JACK PARKER-R-R-R-! [CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] [CROWD ROARING] [] [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE CONTINUES] [CROWD CONTINUES RAUCOUS CHEERING] I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR THIS HONOR. I KNOW MIKEY WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU, TOO. IF... HE WAS REAL. [CROWD MURMURING] BUT, UH... HE ISN'T. [CROWD GASPS] [RYAN CHUCKLES] WHAT IS HE DOING? TELLING THE TRUTH. MIKEY NEVER REALLY EXISTED. I... I MADE HIM UP, ALONG WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF-- THE LUMBERJACKS, MY HOT ARIZONA GIRLFRIEND, ALIENS, MIKEY'S BIONIC DOG, MY WRESTLER UNCLE, MY ASIAN PARENTS, BEARS... WELL, I DIDN'T REALLY MAKE UP BEARS. THERE'S BEARS. JUST NO AT THE CONVENTION CENTER. [CROWD MURMURING] AS ALONG AS I'M BEING HONEST, I HAVEN'T BEEN VERY HONEST. I, UH, I THOUGH I WAS MAKING PEOPLE HAPPY AND GETTING WHAT I WANT. I DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS... HURTING THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT. I JUST WANT TO SAY... I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T DESERVE TO BE NOMINATED FOR THIS AWARD, AND I... DEFINITELY DON'T DESERVE TO WIN IT. I KNOW I'M IN TROUBLE. GIVE ME DETENTION. SUSPEND ME. WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO. THIS IS A DARK DAY FOR THE BELOW-AVERAGE JOE. [SIGHS] WELL... I GUESS THIS YEAR'S AWARD NOW GOES TO OUR RUNNER-UP... STEPHANIE MILLER. YES! YES! [CACKLING WITH GLEE] OH! I DID IT. I WON! IN YOUR FACE, PARKER! PUBLIC LIBRARY, HERE I COME! YES! I WON! I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL MY FRIENDS FOR NOT DISTRACTING ME DURING MY STUDY TIME AND MY MOM. HEY. HEY. SO... YEAH. ME TOO. YOU DID IT, MAN. IT'S ALL OVER. YEP. IT'S ALL OVER. EXCEPT WHAT'S HE STILL DOING HERE? HEY, BUDDY. WHERE YOU BEEN? NO. I DID IT. I DID WHAT THE HIPPO SAID! YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE! YOU SHOULD BE GONE. OH, I CAN'T LEAVE YET, JACK. THERE'S STILL ONE MORE THING WE NEED TO DO. THERE THEY ARE! BUT I TOLD THE TRUTH! WELL, OBVIOUSLY, THEY DIDN'T HEAR IT. -DUDE? YEP. -ON IT! [SHRIEKING] -OTHER WAY. -OTHER WAY! [ALIENS CONTINUE SHRIEKING] [] [IN UNISON]: PLEASE, SON, COME BACK TO US. JACKIE-BEAR! I CHANGED MY MIND. I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU. YO, JACK. [ROARS VICIOUSLY] [BARKS] [RYAN YELPS] [] [DEEP, BOOMING VOICE]: HELLO, JACK! NO. NO! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? YOU SAID IF I TOLD THE TRUTH, ALL OF MY LIES WOULD GO AWAY! BUT YOU LIED! YOU'RE THE LIAR! NOW WE'RE ABOUT TO BE KILLED BY ALIEN LUMBERJACKS! SILENCE! HERE'S HOW THE TRUTH SETS YOU FREE. CALM DOWN. HANNAH? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONE FOREVER! OKAY, WE HAVE TO GET OUTTA HERE. THERE ARE ALIENS AND LUMBERJACKS OUT THERE! NO. NO-NO-NO-NO-NO! -PLEASE DON'T OPEN THE-- -NO! JACK. JACK, WHA IS HAPPENING? DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING? I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING! YOUR LIES WEREN' REALLY COMING TRUE. WHAT? HOW? YOU DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE THAT COULD TELL A LIE, DID YOU? YOU DID THIS? ALL OF THIS? -NO! -NO... -YEP. -WHY? I WAS SO SICK OF YOU LYING AND ALWAYS GETTING AWAY WITH IT, SO I RECRUITED A FEW FRIENDS FROM MY ACTING CLASS, AND MY PLAN CAME TOGETHER. I EXPLAINED TO THEM HOW OUT OF CONTROL YOUR LYING HAD GOTTEN, AND HOW YOU HAD TO BE STOPPED-- FOR THE GOOD OF HUMANITY! EVERYONE WAS GIVEN THEIR ASSIGNMENTS... -OH, YEAH! -THERE YOU GO! ...STARTED GETTING INTO CHARACTER... DO YOU KNOW HOW TO USE THIS THING? AND THEN, ONE BY ONE, I MADE YOUR LIES COME TRUE. [DIRECTOR]: PLACES, EVERYONE! WE GO LIVE IN FIVE MINUTES! [HANNAH]: I PLANTED A FEW CLUES ALONG THE WAY, AND WHEN I THOUGH YOU WERE GETTING STUCK, I'D GIVE YOU A LITTLE PUSH. LOOK. ALL I KNOW IS THAT HURLEY'S MAIN HABITA IS THE JUNGLE MINI-GOLF COURSE. TO THE BUS STOP! [HANNAH]: WHEN MOM AND DAD WENT OUT FOR BOWLING NIGHT, I ASKED MIN AND TAN COME OVER AND HELP DRIVE IT HOME. [CHUCKLES] MOM AND DAD NEVER EVEN KNEW. WAIT. WHO ARE THEY? THEY'RE MY MANDARIN TUTORS! YOU SPEAK CHINESE? [SPEAKING MANDARIN] [MIN AND TAN LAUGHING] [THEY KEEP LAUGHING] OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOU THE ALIENS? OH, BRAD AND TODD ARE REAL STUNT GUYS, SO THEY DID US A SOLID AND RIGGED IT ALL UP. HURRY UP AND PUT THOSE IN! IF I COULD SEE WHAT I WAS DOING, I WOULDN'T NEED CONTACTS IN THE FIRST PLACE. [HANNAH]: YOU HAD ME SCRAMBLING WITH A COUPLE LAST-MINUTE LIES, BUT, LUCKILY, TRISH IS MAJORING IN ROBOTICS. OF COURSE, I HAD TO GET IN ON THAT ACTION MYSELF. OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE PICTURES OF ME AND MIKEY, OR MY ADOPTED PARENTS? PHOTOSHOP. THAT IS-- [DEEP, BOOMING]: INGENIOUS? [] UH, LYLE? NOT RIGHT NOW. SORRY. I WAS GONNA SAY DIABOLICAL. YEAH. SOMEONE HAD TO STOP YOU, JACK. I KNOW YOU'RE A GOOD KID, BUT IF YOU KEEP LYING TO EVERYONE YOU MEET, SOON, IT WON'T MATTER. LIFE IS PRETTY LONELY WHEN NO ONE TRUSTS YOU. YOU'RE RIGHT. IT IS. WAIT. YOU TRIED TO TEACH JACK THAT LYING IS BAD BY LYING TO HIM? [RYAN SCOFFS] MAN, YOU TWO ARE DEFINITELY RELATED. [JACK AND HANNAH LAUGH] SO? HOW'D I DO? A FLAWLESS PERFORMANCE, MIKEY. MIKEY? YOUR NAME'S ACTUALLY MIKEY? YEAH. WHAT ARE THE ODDS? [ALL CHUCKLING] COME ON, GUYS. READY TO GO? YEAH. JUST... JUS GIVE ME A MINUTE. ALRIGHT. UGH! OH, THIS THING SMELLS LIKE HANNAH BREATH. AHEM! YOU LIED ABOUT MIKEY? MOM! DAD. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE? PRINCIPAL KAR CALLED. TOLD US TO GET DOWN HERE. WE THOUGHT YOU WON! YOU DIDN'T! YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, YOUNG MAN. ME? IT WAS ALL HANNAH. SHE'S THE ONE-- JACK. YEAH, I'M GROUNDED. I KNOW. UGH! I THOUGH THEY FOUND THE POSSUM. HOW'S THE PUNISHMENT GOING? [SIGHS] IS IT BEDTIME YET? IT'S NOT EVEN NOON. MM. WELL, I'M OFF TO THE WIENER PALACE. OH, BY THE WAY-- YOU MISSED A SPOT. -OH, YEAH. -YEAH! HEY, MAN. WHAT'S UP? OH, YOU KNOW. JUST LIVING THE DREAM. IF THE DREAM IS SUCKING GARAGE DUST. [MOM]: JACK, YOU'RE NO SITTING DOWN, ARE YOU? NO-- [CHUCKLES DRYLY] YES. RYAN JUST CAME TO VISIT. THE TRUTH. NICELY DONE. HOW LONG YOU GROUNDED? WELL, I'M NOT ALLOWED OUT OF THE HOUSE UNTIL THE GARAGE IS CLEAN. WELL, IF WE WORK TOGETHER, WE SHOULD HAVE YOU OUT OF HERE IN ABOUT A WEEK. [CHUCKLES] [KNOCKING] [STARTS THUMPING] JACK? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO BREAK MY DOOR DOWN? OH! SORRY, SORRY. YEAH, FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN ALLOWED OUT OF THE HOUSE IN OVER A WEEK. GOT A LITTLE EXCITED. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? LISTEN, JENNIFER, I KNOW I MESSED UP, BUT FROM NOW ON, I'M GOING TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOU. OKAY. OKAY. UM... I LIKE YOU. A LOT. LIKE, HEH... "A LOT" A LOT, AND, UH, I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU, AND I WANT YOU TO GET TO KNOW ME, THE REAL ME. ALL THE GOOD AND THE BAD. LIKE, UH... I TALK IN MY SLEEP. MY FAVORITE FLAVOR IS GRAVY. I BITE MY TOENAILS. OH, STOP. TOO MUCH HONESTY. RIGHT. SORRY. STILL TRYING TO GET USED TO TELLING THE TRUTH. WILL YOU AT LEAS CONSIDER GIVING ME A SECOND CHANCE? COME ON... LET ME MAKE IT UP TO YOU. FINE. YOU CAN MAKE IT UP TO ME. YES! OKAY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW? -RIGHT NOW? -RIGHT NOW! DANNY KOSTAS OF THE RED SOX IS KIND OF MY BUDDY. I GAVE HIM SOME HITTING ADVICE. YOU KNOW, NOTHING BIG. BUT HE SENT HIS LIMO TO TAKE ME AND ANYBODY I WAN TO THE RED SOX GAME TODAY, AND I WANT TO TAKE YOU. YOU JUST SAID, "FROM NOW ON, I'M GONNA BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOU." I AM. SEE YOU AT SCHOOL, JACK. BUT JENNIFER-- [THUD] SO? WHAT'D SHE SAY? SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME. OH. WELL, TAKE ME TO FENWAY. YOU HAVE A LIMO? JENNIFER... WOULD I LIE TO YOU? ["HUMAN HEAT" BY SAM ROBERTS PLAYING] WHY DON'T WE GO TO THE CITY NOW? WE CAN SEE ALL THE NITTY GRITTY NOW CATCH A FLY BALL AT THE STADIUM MAYBE FREEFALL INTO OBLIVION THESE DAYS, THESE DAYS EVERY TIME THAT I GO DOWNTOWN I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S SO MUCH THERE'S SO MUCH OF EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING THERE'S SO MUCH OF EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING MOVE WITH THE TIMES OR THEY'LL LEAVE YOU BEHIND YOU ARE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY MOVE WITH THE TIMES OR GO OUT OF YOUR MIND YOU ARE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY [] IF YOU CAN HEAR THIS THEN IT MEANS THA THERE'S NO APOCALYPSE STILL, I DON'T KNOW WHY I EVEN GO DOWNTOWN ANYMORE THERE'S TOO MUCH THERE'S TOO MUCH OF EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING OUT ON THE STREE SHOULDER TO SHOULDER THE HUMAN HEA IS BOILING OVER []