Villain Pub - Return of the Palps (Star Wars Predictions)

Open with the Villain Pub theme song.

♪Making your way evil today, sure does take a lot. ♪ ♪Thinking of ways to distribute hate, takes everything you've got. ♪ Wouldn't you like to rule the place? ♪ ♪Sometimes you wanna go where everybody hates your face. ♪ ♪And the villains share your rage. ♪ ♪You wanna be in the evil seat, heroes are all the same. ♪ ♪You wanna go where everybody hates your face. ♪

We begin with Bowser kicking a gremlin from Sesame Street out and everyone talks about Palpatine's return.

Loki: So it's official, Palpatine is going to give it another go.

Palpatine: That is the rumor, yes.

Voldemort: Are you really going to come back? Or is this some kind of Dark Side Force ghost thing we're talking about here?

Palpatine: Patience, my friend. All of your questions will be answered.

Zod: I bet he's just gonna be a ghost. I mean look at him, he could be a ghost right now. I mean, we all saw little Ani throw him down the well.

Voldemort: He could've just used his space magic to stop his fall.

Loki: What if he was never even there? It could've all been an illusion.

Zod: What, like a force projection?

Loki: Yes, we saw Luke do it. So why can't the Emperor?

Zod: I don't like that.

Loki: Why?

Zod: Because that ties into Episode 8. And that would mean I'd have to acknowledge it's existence.

Voldemort: Episode 8 is part of the story, you grouch! Get over it!

Zod: They ruined the most important Skywalker!

Joker: I think you're focusing on the wrong Skywalker. The story isn't about Luke.

Zod: Yes it is!

Joker: The story is about Anakin, you imbecile! He's the Skywalker! He's gonna be the one who rises.

Zod: Oh he better not! Luke better rise, or I quit!

Magneto: I think you better prepare yourself my friend. It's like Snoke said, Darkness rises, and Hayden Christensen to meet it.

Loki: You gentlemen are completely ignoring the current cast. The Rise of Skywalker is going to have a completely different meaning.

Zod: How?

Loki: After Ben and Rey defeat Palps, (To Palpatine) No offense. Rey is going to call the next Jedi order, "Skywalkers". That way, she is a Skywalker without actually being related to any.

Zod: That's dumb!

Palpatine: I agree.

Cersei Lannister: I think Rey is actually going to be a Skywalker. It just more makes sense to make Rey and Ben family.

Zod: But Rey is gonna turn evil! l saw her new Darth Maul saber!

Loki: That was probably just a vision.

Zod: You don't know!

Prowler: I bet she's a clone! Rey had that vision where she saw a million copies of herself. I bet Palpatine over there is cloning a bunch of Reys, so he can have an endless supply of apprentices.

Cobra Commander: We do know Palpatine is obsessed with clones! I wouldn't be surprised if he's Rey's father!

Voldemort: Yes, and I could totally see JJ try to steal that "I'm your father" line for his movie like he did in Star Trek with...

Everyone: (as Khan comes in) Khan!

Khan: Good evening, everyone.

Zod: Hey Khan, you think Palps is gonna say "I'm your father"?

Khan: JJ is too much of a Falcon fanboy. He's more likely to give the "I'm your father' moment to Lando.

Prowler: I'm okay with that.

Electro: Yeah, same here.

Loki: What else do you think is going to happen with Palpatine's grand return?

Khan: I think he's going to get his butt handed to him by a bunch of Force ghosts.

Everyone: (laughs)

Dalek: Hilarious!

Palpatine: Careful, Trekkie. Before the butt handed to you is yours!

Khan: I'm simply evaluating the data. In most massive stories, there is always a moment where the cavalry arrives just when all hope is lost. The ride of the Rohirrim, the T-Rex of Jurassic Park.

Joker: Ooh! The Avengers portal scene in Endgame! Remember that, Thanos? (laughs)

Thanos: Too soon, man! Too soon.

Khan: It is highly likely that Palpatine will face a similar fate. It's a crowd pleaser, and necessary to defeat an impossible foe.

Palpatine: I'm not going to be defeated!

Joker: It is the third installment of this trilogy.

Voldemort: Yes, l do believe you are toast, Palps.

Joker: (laughs)

Palpatine: That is ridiculous! I succeeded at the end of the firs trilogy!

Zod: Depends on what you consider the first trilogy.

Palpatine: They thought I was dead at the end of the next trilogy! Well, surprise! Guess who's back! Back again! Palps is back! And who will succeed AGAIN! (laughs as lightning effects take place)

Voldemort: l bet there's gonna be this epic moment where Rey and Ben are almost dead, and then we're gonna hear someone say some quotable line like, (close up on his face) "Rey, on your left." (zoom out) And then, ghost Luke will appear!

Loki: Yes! And then, Yoda! And Obi-Wan!

Joker: (laughs) Then, Mace Windu!

Zod: Then, more Jedi!

Ra's Al Ghul: Then, Qui-Gon Jinn, and then...

Joker: And then!

Loki: And then!

Voldemort: And THEN!

Zod: AND THEN!

Deadpool: (appearing) AND THEN, ANAKIN!

Palpatine: AAAGH! SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU! (to Deadpool) And you go away! (Deadpool does so) NO! I won't let that happen!

Loki: It is inevitable. It is your destiny.

Everyone: (laughs)

Thanos: (overhearing the conversation while cleaning a toilet chair) I thought I was inevitable.

Voldemort: They're going to pull the dark side right out of you, and throw it back from whence it came! (laughs)

Loki: I think you're getting your stories mixed, but that does sound exciting.

Palpatine: You are loyal sack of fools! How dare you root against me instead of support my quest for galactic domination! Oh, I'm afraid your pathetic theories will all be obliterated when Episode 9 arrives. l will rule this galaxy. And I will destroy ALL WHO STAND IN MY WAY!

Everyone who is now a bit terrified by Palpatine's speech now changes their minds about what they said.

Voldemort: That sounds awesome!

Loki: Yes, we totally support you!

Joker: Yeah, Team Sith all the way!

Zod: You can destroy anything you want, man.

Apocalypse: (as he comes in) Everyone except Poe! If you hurt Poe, l will destroy you myself!

Palpatine: (sighs) Get out of here, Apocalypse.

Apocalypse: (depressed) Okay.

Villain Pub - Return of the Palps

Zod: I just want Rey and Ben to turn against the Emperor and be like, (reveals that he's been playing with Kylo Ren and Rey toys) "This is our galaxy now, Palpa-toots!" (Makes his toys kiss while he makes everyone uncomfortable) And then kiss!

Palpatine: Okay, Zod is cut off for the rest of the night.

Zod: Awe, come on, man!

The End.