The Bonfire of the Manatees

Oh! (BEEPING) COMMENTATOR: We got a real nail-biter here at Mile High Stadium. The Broncos down by one, and Come on, Broncos, you can do it. And I'm joined in the broadcast booth by the stars of ABC's latest reality show Billionaire versus Bear. Let's review the easy-to-follow rules of your show. Each of you thought you were in a race to plant the Taco Bell flag at the North Pole. What you didn't know is, the race was a chase spiced up by the presence of the betrayer. (GROANING) Well, now, the bear has a surprise for you. He's not really a bear, he's a tiger! Oh, lookie there! Denver just won the ballgame! Oh, the Broncos won? Why didn't I bet on them like Professor Pigskin told me to? Who's Professor Pigskin? He's a pig who can predict football winners in advance! How is that possible? Because he's got something no gambler's ever had! A system! I've gotten the pamphlet four weeks in a row and every time, the pick-of-the-week has been right on the money. Oh! I get it. Every week, they send out two pamphlets, Half picking one team and half picking the other. Eventually, there's a small group of people who only receive the correct predictions and think Professor Pigskin is always right. That's when they ask for your money. (GASPS) I have money! Dad, it's a scam! A scam? Not according to Eddie F. from Tucson, or Football Millionaire in Beloit, Michigan. Look, all I'm saying is, you really should think twice before Expiration date, Oh, Professor Pigskin told me to bet on the Raiders, but they look awful! And with 37 starting players out with the flu, the Oakland Raiders have turned to drunks conscripted from local bars. Spare some change, football dude? (GROANS) Now, you have a good day. Dad, how much money did you bet? Hey, I didn't bet any of our money. I just borrowed some from him. Don't worry. We can hammer out a payment plan. Ow! (SOBBING) It's not my fault the Raiders lost! It's Professor Pigskin's! If he mentions that pig again, use two hammers. But the pig (SCREAMS) Ow! Ow! Now, I do have a way we could settle this debt. We would like to use your home to shoot an adult film. Yeah, it's called Lemony Lick-it: A Series of Horny Events. (GASPS) Marge would kill me! Please! There's got to be something else I can do. Like mow your lawn every week for two weeks. I can't do it next week. Ow! All right! You can shoot your gay adult film at my house. I didn't say anything about gay. I thought you guys were the gay mafia. Ow! Oh, they're shooting an adult film at my house tomorrow. How am I gonna get rid of Marge and the kids? Well, I got these free tickets to Santa's Village. I know a guy who turns the dead sleigh horses into jerky and sells it to bars. Ugh! Thanks, Moe! Why would we want to go to Santa's Village? It's August. I want to see Santa. He can explain why he gave me a Playstation box with nothing inside but a coloring book. It got your hopes up, didn't it? Homer, before I take the kids I want you to swear you're not up to something. I swear. And I'd also like to know why your hand is in that cast. Because you look even more beautiful now than the day I married you. Aw! (FLIES BUZZING) Welcome to Santa's Village, where it's Christmas every day. Closed on Christmas. Those reindeer look really uncomfortable. That's because they don't thrive in this environment! Watcha reading, Santa? Torn Clancy's Op-center. You don't seem very jolly. Well, Santa got some bad medical news. Okay Okay And, action! We've been on this spaceship for a hundred years. When will we ever get to Planet Satisfaction? Hey, Homer, we Wow! Angela Dare! Sultry Stevens! Yeah, what is this, a reunion of Fahrenheit 9-on-1? Guys! Get out of here! Homer, how'd you ever get Marge to go along with this? Look, if you promise never to tell her, I'll let you be in the movie. We just came over to borrow a board game, but okay. I've always dreamed of working in an adult film. I'll run the sound board! And I'll perform in the sex scenes! Merry Christmas! I'm your old pal Frosty the Snowman! In your dreams. Frosty! Where's your magic top hat? Oh, my God, please don't tell Mr. Roselli I lost my hat again! (WHISTLING) My Christmas present to myself this year was leaving that place early. Mom, I got a rash where the reindeer licked me. Huh? When they put Santa in the ambulance, Why'd they pull the blanket all the way up over his head? Look, I know this wasn't the greatest outing but your father meant well, so don't let him know that we didn't (EXCLAIMS) Are you guys almost done? Listen, I got a tattoo of Foghorn Leghorn on my right thigh. Are we gonna get into any trademark or copyright issues here? 'Cause we could put a Band-Aid on it and say my character just got stabbed. Relax, three guys'll put their hands on it, okay? Now, everyone is very much in love. And, action! Homer! Is that a snuggle film? Er You're in the wrong house, lady! How could you allow this? In the room where we do puzzles! (GRUNTS) Oh, uh-uh. Honey, please, just listen to what I have to say. All right. I lowed the mafia money. Oh! Where are you going? Away from you. When will you be back? I don't know. Who's really going to watch the kids? You are. Me? But I'm the father! (ENGINE REVVING) Boy, Homer, I've never seen Mom this mad. Honey, come back! You didn't say bye to the kids! MARGE: Bye, Bart. I love you, Lisa. Sleep tight, Maggie. Today's the last day you can eat the yogurt in the fridge. Well, we better go eat that yogurt. Kids, I'm sure, your mother will be back soon. She should be back now. It's dinnertime. Look, we've been down this road before. I do something stupid, your mom leaves, we eat waffles. We're out of waffles. All we got is ketchup. You mean Homer's famous marinara sauce? No, I mean ketchup. Where's your sense of magic and wonder? Come on, Marge. When are you going to call? (RINGING) Let it ring, play hard to get. That's hard enough! Oh, my darling, I love you! Please forgive me! MOE: Hey, Homer. Moe, what are you calling me for? You told me to call. You wanted to see if your phone was working. But what if Marge tries to call while I'm talking to you? Ain't you got call waiting? Of course, I have call waiting, you idiot! I just never learned how to use it! Uh-oh, I might have broken the phone. I better call Moe. (DIALING) Oh, hey, Homer. Moe, will you get off the line? (GROANS) I guess I better tell them I'm coming home. (RINGS) (STAMMERS) Oh, Marge, what a pleasant surprise. I'm at a rest stop south of Springfield. I know. You're sorry now. Then you'll buy me some Kwik-E-Mart flowers maybe a box of candy, where half the pieces mysteriously have testing bites, and a week later you'll be back to your old thoughtless self. No, no, it's not going to be like that, I swear. Ew! Lemon cream. You're going in the Marge pile. I mean, I love you so much. Yeah, I love you, too. (POUNDING AT DOOR) Hold on. I'll be off in a minute. (POUNDING CONTINUES) Listen, buster, I had to buy a club soda I didn't want to get change for this phone. An oogly-boogly! (ROARING) Be still. Don't give it the phone. Settle down, sugar plum. Look what daddy's got in his pocket. Yummy, yummy kelp- Good girl, yes, yes. This animal means you no harm. She's a sweet old Florida manatee, also known as a sea cow or dugong. HOMER: Hello, Marge, where do we keep the socks that don't smell like feet? I'll call you back. I'm Dr. Caleb Thorn and I would do anything to protect a manatee except harm another manatee. What if by harming a manatee you could save two manatees? But before you answer, consider this. The manatee you'd have to harm is pregnant. Those are the questions that keep me up at night. (GROANS) I see a manatee the needs a hug. Ooh! HOMER: Hello, Marge? Does the pizza guy take a check? If so, where do we keep the checks? And lastly, how do you write a check? I think the worst part was when I realized that Homer lied to me. From what you've told me, it sounds like what your husband did was nothing new. Exactly. I have a saying which goes, "You can't teach a manatee any tricks. " Maybe you could just put a hat on him and say it's a trick. My point is Homer is the exact same man you married and if there's a problem here, it's that you keep expecting him to change. Huh! MARGE: He cares so much about those doggone dugongs. I wish I felt that kind of passion. Maybe I should join him on his mission. Hey, lady blue, while you're sitting there staring at the ceiling your boyfriend's in the parking lot with his hands in a walrus. Yeah, that'll be good for business. Got to find your mom. Got to find your mom. BART: Dad, I promise I'll be good. Can I get out of the dog carrier? It was hard enough getting you in there. I'm not letting you out. Yeah, she came through here. I believe she was looking to rekindle her passion for life. Ain't that right, Victor? Yes. SeÃ±ora left for the coast with a rugged, yet sensitive man of science. Rugged? Is that the same as handsome? Oh, no, no. "Handsome" means he look at himself in the mirror all day. "Rugged" means you look at him. (SOBBING) Oh! Okay, water monsters, be friendly But not too friendly. What do I do? Talk to it! Let it know you're not a threat. Okay. You know, up close, you're kinda cute. (RETCH ES) Aw, you're a good thing. I know it. Let me clean out your ears. I've bonded with him! (GIGGLING) Where is he taking me? To his underwater palace. Just kidding. It's a lagoon full of bugs. (MARGE YELLING) Dad, I don't think we're gonna find Mom today. And I'm sick of eating at restaurant chains I never even heard of like Skobo's and Dim Willie's. LISA: Ugh! Okay, kids, we'll stop for the day. I have cousins near here. We'll stay with them. Country cousins? Are they rubes? 'Cause I don't cotton to rubes. Oh! The rubiest. Oh, look, a new restaurant chain. Whoo-hoo! Can we say it's my birthday and get free stuff? We'll say it's all our birthdays. (MUMBLING) (BANJO PLAYING) Cousin Homer, how are you? And this must be Bart and Lisa. Well, aren't you nice-looking kids. Hey, do you folks want to see a quilt that's been in our family for five generations? I warned you he was an idiot. Well, all I need is some moonshine and someone playing the harmonicky and I'm as happy as a pig in plop We're having lasagna and Caesar salad. Don't laugh. They're doing the best they can. So, Homer, how are you? Just great. Things couldn't be better. And how is our lovely Marge? She, uh, was killed by a falling air conditioner. Oh! Why, that's terrible! Ooh, er, it wasn't all bad. As part of the settlement, her funeral was air conditioned. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to use the outhouse again. Well, we don't have an outhouse. My recording studio! So how are we related again? Our dogs are brothers. BART: Oh, yeah. (GASPS) I see Mom! (GIGGLING) I've got my groove back! We've got to tell Dad! Where is he? Oh! You lost that first game to hustle me! (CLUCKING) I can't believe how many manatees we saved today. And the ones we can't save, we put to good use. Hmmm. What am I supposed to do, bury them at Arlington? Marge? Homer? These are for you. Ooh! Listen, I thought about what I did. And it was really, really wrong. I'm sorry. Homie, I accept your apology. I love you, Marge. But I'm not coming back yet. (EXCLAIMS IN DISBELIEF) I've found a place where I'm needed. You're needed at home! And treated like I deserve. You're needed at home! I'm sorry, Home. I just can't find it in my heart to come back right now. Well, that's very reasonable. You stole my wife! I'll kill you! Homer, I have no interest in stealing your wife but Marge is getting something from her work with me. Something a strong, passionate woman like her needs. A Purpose. WOW! I can see why she loves you. She doesn't love me. She's just trying to find herself. (EXHALES) You know everything. I don't know everything. I'm just a man. And what a man! Okay, the key to this thing is the manatees. Is Marge saving them or killing them? Saving! Okay. To save the manatees, I guess I could donate my time and money and help them build a Screw that! Dad! Those jet skiers are headed right for a herd of manatees! Check out those gentle, exotic sea creatures. Let's whomp 'em! (MOTORS REVVING) (ALL LAUGHING) Man, I just wish we could see their tears. (PANTING) Why don't you pick on someone your own size? They are roughly our size. In fact, they're bigger than us. Look, if it were up to me I'd be harassing them with you. If anything, I'd be the guy who took it too far. But I love my wife and I want to win her back! You're a brave man. And we respect two things, bravery and tattoos that look like barbed wire. Let's go. (LAUGHS) Rubes! What did you call us? Catch me if you can! Manatees! Defend! (MOTOR REVVING) (YELLING) (GASPS) (HOMER GROANING) Attention jet skiers. I have a court order here requiring you to vacate these waters. No court order's gonna tell me what to do. Oh, man! It's notarized! Let's boogie! Homer, are you okay? How many fingers am I holding up? Poor dumb country mouse. Can't even count. (MOANS) My sweet, sweet Homie! You sacrificed yourself for the manatees. Oh! Rubes. So many rubes Pounding me with their jet skis. Rubes Please, no, rubes. (GROANING) (RETCHING) I'm gonna take you home and fix you up, 'cause you're the real endangered species, a devoted husband. Marge, I'm always amazed you chose me. And I always will. Whoo-hoo! (SIGHS) I'm starting to think I should find a woman. (BLEATING) Yeah, Miranda was nice, but I'm not driving to Corpus Christi every time she needs a light bulb changed. (BLEATS) Amen. Hey, since we got the kids with us, why don't we all take a few days of much needed R&R? Don't you have to be back at work? Yes. But I've got a friend who owes me a solid. Smithers, who is this barrel-chested go-getter? I believe it's a manatee posing as Homer Simpson, sir. That's cute. (PANTING) I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Actually, sir, I believe he's about to die of dehydration. Good heavens! Grab a sponge, man!