The Eileen Plan

''The episode begins with Eileen's house at night. Mordecai is heard laughing. He is having pizza and soda with Margaret, Rigby and Eileen.)''

Mordecai: Wait, wait, wait. Yo, Rigby. What does this remind you of?

(He pretends to sleep with his head on the pizza box he's holding.)

Rigby: What?

Mordecai:  Your 7th-grade science project on which pizza box makes the best pillow!

Eileen: What?

Rigby: Dude, I made ground-breaking discoveries with that project.

Margaret: Come on, Rigby. We've all done embarrassing stuff. You know, when I was a kid, I used to peel the pepperoni of a pizza and eat it separately. (laughs) Geez.

Mordecai: Mmm, ok?

Eileen: That's not really that embarrassing, Margaret. I mean, if you want embarrassing, there's this manifesto I wrote in 6th grade. Wait, I think I still have it.

(She runs to her room. Shuffling is heard. She comes back with the manifesto.)

Eileen (continued): Here it is! The Eileen Plan.

(Margaret leans in to take a look.)

Margaret: Oh, woooow. (reads) "I, Eileen Roberts, do hereby swear to accomplish the following by the end of my first quarter century on planet Earth."

(The others have gathered round.)

Mordecai: (reads) "1. Lower age of presidential eligibility to 25. 2. Achieve presidency."

(The four laugh.)

Margaret: Tell me, how's it coming with those?

Eileen: Hey, I've still got time.

Rigby: Yeah, you can totally do that stuff by the time you're 44.

Eileen: What? No, a quarter century is 25 years.

(Rigby chuckles.)

Rigby: Yeah, I knew that.

(He clears his throat and looks at the manifesto.)

Rigby (continued): "Number 3: Marry someone brilliant (preferably with several pants under his belt)"?

Eileen: Patents.

Rigby: Oh, patents. (continues to read) "But just super smart is okay, too"?

(Mordecai, Eileen and Margaret laugh. Eileen clasps her hands over her eyes.)

Eileen: Oh, man! I don't even know anyone like that, much less am I married to him!

Rigby: (laughs nervously) Yeah, pretty funny.

(He hands the manifesto to Mordecai.)

Mordecai: "Number 4: Eliminate allergic responses to peanuts."

(As Mordecai is reading, we are given a view of Rigby who appears dumbfounded from what he has seen in the Eileen Plan. The view is still shown as it fades into the next scene. Mordecai and Rigby are in their room at Pops' house. Rigby is wide awake on his trampoline bed.)

Rigby: Hey, Mordecai...

(Mordecai is snoring fast asleep in his bed. Rigby gets out of his bed.)

Rigby (continued): Hey, Mordecai...

(He continues to snore.)

Rigby (continued): Hey, Mordecai.

(He wakes up.)

Mordecai: Ugh, what?!

Rigby: Do you think I'm dumb?

Mordecai: Yes.

(Mordecai snores back to sleep.)

Rigby: Ok, yeah. I thought so. I was just checking.

(He gloomily walks back to his bed and sits down. Mordecai wakes up and sighs.)

Mordecai: No, you're not dumb. I was just kidding. You're...smart?

(Rigby looks back perked up.)

Mordecai (continued): In your own way?

(He returns to his gloomy state.)

Mordecai (continued): Dude, where is this coming from? (gets out of bed) You've always been cool with being dumb.

Rigby: It's just... (sighs) The Eileen Plan.

(He shifts on his trampoline to face Mordecai.)

Rigby (continued): Even if I was smart in my own way, which I'm not, I'm still not brilliant. I have zero patents or pants.

Mordecai: You're overreacting, man. Eileen doesn't care about that stuff anymore.

Rigby: But she doesn't know I didn't graduate from high school! If I'm ever going to be the brilliant guy of her dreams, that's the least I can do.

(Scene cuts to West Anderson High School. Rigby is in Principal Dean's office.)

Principal Dean: So let me get this straight. You, as an adult, want to enroll at this school so you can get your diploma because you're currently too dumb?

Rigby: Pretty much, yeah.

Principal Dean: Not a chance, Rigby. You put me through enough grief the first time you came here.

Rigby: Aw, c'mon, Principal Dean! I know I screwed up in high school, but I swear I've changed!

Principal Dean: (grunts) Fine. (reaches into transcript cabinet) I shouldn't do this, but...(takes out Rigby's transcript) Hmmm. You still need 3 classes to graduate: A Science, a Phys Ed and a Language.

(He holds up a school electives pamphlet.)

Principal Dean (continued): Choose one to begin. And I suggest you be realistic.

(He gives it to Rigby.)

Rigby: I will! Thanks, Principal Dean. You won't regret this!

(He walks out of the office, the door knocking down the plant in the corner. Dean turns to the window. Cut to the park where Mordecai and Rigby are sitting on the steps of Pops' house.)

Rigby (continued): So what do you think?

(Mordecai looks at the pamphlet.)

Mordecai: Hmmm. Oh, dude. This is perfect! Intro to Geology, remember?

Rigby: (shrugs) Not really.

Mordecai: Rocks for jocks? No one ever fails?

Rigby: Oh yeah! All the athletes took it 'cause it was basically a free pass. Piece of cake. I'll do it!

Mordecai: You're not worried about hanging out with jocks all semester>

Rigby: Nah. I'll rule that place like a king!

(Scene transits to the geology class. The jocks are clearly playing around.)

Mrs. Kessler: Settle down, class. We've got a returning student with us today. Rigby, would you like to come to the front and introduce yourself?