Brad Medicine

1 1x08 - "Brad Medicine" You want some Cooch? Don't get mad, get Brad. - This won't hurt a bit. - Huh? What? What? Noooo! Subject responded less than favorably. Oh, my. Is "shit show" hyphenated? Doctor, I think we found No, it isn't. I think we found our man. He's a junkie whose tolerance is off the charts! He's pushing 10. 4 Belushis on the Cobain Index! - How is he responding to the serum? - You tell me! That all you got? - Chug, chug, chug, chug! - What? Cocaine! Get your cocaine here! Hot, fresh cocaine priced to move! You, sir, how many cocaines can I put you down for? All of them. Ha! Letting those eggheads pump me full of pink juice was the best decision I ever made. - You there! - Whoa! When I heard there was a 9-foot-tall bright pink vigilante taking down drug dealers, I had to see it with my own eyes. Those drugs won't be hurting our city's teenagers ever again. Unless I was mistaken and you were just robbing drug dealers. What?! No, no way! I hate drugs! I I'd punch drugs right in the face if I could. I knew I could count on you. - Say, what's your handle, big man? - Uh, it's just Brad. Yeah, well, I'm sure we can do better than that. Where the hell is Brad?! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! What?! Empty?! Brad, you idiot! - Shit, shit, shit! - Comin' through! You're safe now Oh, what the hell?! All right. Watch your [bleep] crotch fruit then! Keep your distance, League of Freedom, or face the spring-loaded power of Ratapult! Two?! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! Looks like you're all out of small to medium-sized zoo animals. Care to try an eagle? Oh! Oh, you thought I came alone? Meet my partner, Whiplash. The cracks from his nano-whip are sharp, my friends, but not as sharp as his tongue. - Well? - Uh, nice tits, mor moron! Dude, what was that? He's really got your number. I'm gonna ask you guys, peer to peer, to forget you just saw that. Moving on, this baby panda will fetch millions on the Chinese black market. Correction that baby panda is worth maybe $80. - Huh? Why? - That thing's dead. What?! - Oh, my God! - Pandas really are fragile. Is that supposed to be a quip?! You're just stating facts, you dumb asshole! You baby panda killing monsters! For the love of Christ, man! Where the hell is Brad?! Come on, come on! There's got to be something in here. Whiplash, we need a distraction! Reload me! We'll meet again, fools, or my name isn't Ratapult! Was that Did I just fire a human child into the sky? From the corner of my eye, she looked like a spider monkey! This just went from property damage to murder! We'll get the chair! Huh! Ahh! Yah! Hey, what the - Nice one! Good job! - Nice! So fun! - That was satisfying. - Oh, don't worry about the damn child in the sky, everybody. I got her. What the hell? My latest upgrade a holographic decoy synthesized from my observations of the team. I'm Brad! Are you guys seeing this? That's uncanny! - Hey, guys. - And what in God's name happened to you? Oh, yeah, um. I I got lost. I It won't happen again. I'm Brad. Is that supposed to be me? Oh, add some stink lines! Yeah, yeah, yeah! - Hmm. - There it is! Okay, okay, I'm sure they're sending you more stuff soon. You just gotta play it off. Uh-oh. Just a reminder, it's the first Friday of an odd-numbered month, and that means tonight is - Oh, good Christ, no. - game night. - No! - That's unfortunate. - Damn it! - No way! - Come on, man! - What's wrong with game night? Nothing, as long as your dad wins. Otherwise, he turns into a weeping butthole. Gross. Uh, hey, guys. Have I gotten a package from Optocorp? Whoa! You been working out, my man?! That's some fine-ass definition. I, uh I got to go out. Oh, well, that was extremely suspicious. - Maybe we should follow - No, no, no, no, no! No excuses. Tonight at 8:00 sharp League game night. Fine. Let me just put it into my calendar app here. Droiiiid! A Droid, huh? I'm sorry. I'm supposed to get a package from you guys every month. I'm sorry. I can't seem to find a record of There aren't records! It's a clandestine operation. Do you know what "clandestine" means? Do you? Sir, sir! Sir, stop it! Yes, sir. Okay, but yes, sir. - They'll see you now. - Thank you. Sorry about the Oh, the birthday card that my son made me? Keep it. That card was a work of art, Brad. Normally kids go overboard with the macaroni and glitter, but not Charlie. Never Charlie. I'm sorry, but, Mr. Opplinger, we had a deal! I keep my mouth shut about your human trials, and you keep me in the pink. Those trials have come to a close, I'm afraid. "Project Brad" has been rendered obsolete. Say hello to "Project Chad. " Holy shit! - Brad, the card! - Sorry! Sorry! You think this chump can replace me?! He's wearing business cas'! You're a talking labia, dude! Oh, please, let's not squabble. It's simple. Chad's worked in finance for 15 years. He's a Wall Street cocaine vacuum. He's got twice your chemical tolerance. - Buy low, get high! - That was stupid. Only Chad can withstand our new serum. Your serum is obsolete. We're dumping it in a responsible, eco-friendly fashion. Any faster than 30 cubic liters and hour, and beluga whales start piling up like cordwood. No! Going somewhere, brah? It'll be gone by midnight tonight. - Closer to 11:50, sir. - Jesus, Bernie! It's six of one, half a dozen of go [bleep] yourself. I'll show this piece of shit the door. Six hours! Okay. We've got it narrowed down to two choices. Black Saturn, it's your turn to pick. - Pass. - Pick. One. - They're both so good. - I didn't say it would be easy. - The yellow box. - They're both yellow. Ugh! In that case, my choice is The next one cuts you in half. Does someone want to grab Brad? Dang, dude! You got a death wish or something? What do you care? I thought we were keeping our relationship aggressively casual. - Oh, right. See ya! - Oh, oh, wait, Cooch! Whoa! You look like hot buttered shit! One, two, three, four, five. Hoo-hoo-hoo! Michigan Avenue! You just won yourself an unregulated toxic mortgage, sucka! E-4! That's a direct hit. Sunk your battleship, dick wad! Pfft! "Help, someone! People are dying in the water!" "Throw 'em a lifeboat!" "It's too late!" They're all dead. That's why I gotta bust into Optocorp tonight - and steal that serum. - Well, if you're gonna pull off a heist Uh, I'd also like to go. Cooch, that that really means a - Oh, you just want out of game night. - Yeah, it's mostly game night. Well, I don't want to do a heist just me and you. - That'd be gross. - We could ask Rex for help. No! I can't let him know I'm just some guinea-pig junkie. I need a team with nothing to lose real assholes. Yeah. Human garbage. As much as I love being called human garbage, you should leave that out of your pitch next time. - I'm going to pass. - When do we get a trial? I want a goddamn trial! Screw these dicks, man! We'll break into Optocorp ourselves. Did you say Optocorp? I never told you how I got this face. Well, we're in a bit of a hurry, so In my early days, I used to do corporate gigs. I wouldn't call it art, but it paid the bills. There I was at Optocorp's annual Aspen retreat. The crowd was loaded, which was good. You see, prop comedy follows the rule of fours as in four drinks minimum. Stone sober, not even my grandmother could stomach my act. But four drinks deep and rubber chickens just slay. Six or seven drinks ha! Now that's another story. There's something in the reptile part of the brain that sees a man in a banana hat and gets hostile. Droid. Oh, God damn it. Power button's stuck. - How How long have you - Long enough. Prison breaks, heists? You guys are skipping game night?! Please take me with you! Well, I'm volunteering too, if if that wasn't clear. I kind of got cut off on the story there. So anyway, I'm tossing up rib eyes when I see Jack Hannah walk in Oh! Oh, we're leaving. I'll finish the story on the drive. I am foreclosing on your property and adding the profit to my private bank vault. - Ah! Bitch tits! - Whoa! - Okay, Saturn's turn. - Sorry, Rex. I'm too busy brooding, which is something I'm known for. - I will roll for him. - Wait a goddamn minute. I knew it! A hologram! Oh, good God! It's a fucking gram job! You're my nemesis, Groaner. The bomb collar is for my protection. It wasn't in the initial pitch. That's all I'm saying. Hey! Uh, where where are you guys going? Pound Town. Pound Town, table for two. Pound Town table for two at SexDonald's. I'm having the Quarter Pound Her. Yep, that's it. That's the one. - Uh, where are you going? - I'm sneaking out on a date. Where the hell is everybody?! What? - Get me out of here! - Nobody gets left behind. Hold tight, Lex. We're gonna Hey! Hey, I called shotty! Uh, sorry, Lex! - Droid! - Huh? Oh, damn it! Oh, God! Uh, what's happening? We're a well-oiled machine. No one get any ideas. Game night is happening. And there's nothing you, you, or you can do about it! I, for one, am glad you caught us, Rex! I'm having the time of my life! Thank God the Stockholm Syndrome is kicking in. I apologize for deceiving you, Rex. It will never happen again. Shit. Dad, come on. Can't we at least play a game that isn't for children? "Everybody's an Asshole"? This is a real game? Yeah, the biggest game in college. "If you're in a relationship, do you consider Internet porn cheating?" - Internet what? - Pornography is readily available on any Internet-enabled device. And by a strictly biological definition, - no, it is not cheating. - Is that so? Excuse me, everybody. I need to make a quick telephone I just need Get out of my way! Okay, Dad, this is gonna be fun. Uh, draw a card from the "Have You Ever Had Sex With" pile. Well, I don't like the sound of that. Ahem. "Have you ever had sex with your best friend's wife?" Uh whoops! Oh, sh sorry about that. Dad, holy S! I can't believe Wait, isn't American Ranger your best friend? Oh, dear. You slept with Ranger's wife, Gloria? How long ago? Uh O. M. God. You're still doing it! - My turn's over! Next! - Rex, you have to tell him. That's crazy. Okay, this is from the "How Many Dicks Have You" pile. Ha! I'm gonna need some scratch paper to work this math. Game night's over! Let's watch a movie. Ugh! How are we gonna get through this? Look for a pass code or a key card. Uh, what's the rule on garbage doughnuts? - Are they in a box or out of a box? - They're touching a box. Well, then it's doughnut time! No Chad. Maybe me and my crack team can do this. - It is good. - Heist of the century, dude! No loose ends, Chad. Eliminate Brad by any means necessary. And if anyone gets in your way, well, you know what to do. All righty. Let's see what crackles. Ooh! "Too Close For Comfort. " - Love that show. - Monroe! - No, give me that! - Lex, turns out your phone isn't fluid-proof. Can I grab your lap computer for a second? Thank you very much! This is just sad. We can't get past a door? Keep looking. Time is running out! - That's such a stupid device. - What what, clocks? Why anything got to be one time or another time? - Hashtag cat logic! - That will never trend! I know for a fact you don't even have a Twitter account! Anyone order an unlocked door? - All right, Groaner! - How'd you do it, Groaner? Oh, let's just say You know what? We should go. Wow! Think of the BTUs they're wasting in here. - Nope. - Come on. Let's move. Whoa, whoa, wait! Just as I suspected. These are pressure-sensitive tiles. One wrong step could trigger a death trap. There's one chance that control panel. Only one ring left. Got to make it count. - Ring around the rosy. - Saturn, you did it! Wait, wait! This is a Nest thermostat. That was a normal [bleep] floor! - You're a psychopath. - Takes one to know one. Fine! We're both psychopaths. I'll take it. I'll take that all day. - Which way now? - We'll have to split up. - I'll take Groaner to the lab - No way! Groaner's my nemesis. Geez! Why don't you just kiss his butthole while you're at it? Only if it's a kiss before dying. Oh, e-even then, not necessary. Fine! Whatever. Let's just hurry. From sea to shining sea! Oh. You did well, soldier. - Here's a burial with honors. - Oh, God. - That your muscle jizz? - Yeah. But it can't be this easy. Can you jump through without touching them? They're too close together. Sorry, dude. I'm not skinny enough. I know someone who is. Ugh! You look like D. J. Qualls in "Road Trip," man! Now you know. This was me before that serum a scrawny nothing. Guess that serum made everything bigger, huh? - Yeah! Dudes, look what we found! - Yeehaw! Wait! Yeah! - Saturn, God damn it! - D. J. Qualls? You know you were the best thing about "Road Trip"? Guys, come on! You're missing it! Sure! Maybe I need a break. Oh, who am I kidding? Dad? Freeze! God, all my Saturn rings! But you said you were all out of rings! This is a madhouse a madhouse! I apologize for dragging you into this. If you didn't feel sorry for me, you wouldn't be about to die. I'm not here 'cause I feel sorry for your stupid ass. I'm here because I I like you. Ow! Ow! Did that go through my cheek? On the count of three, you draw their fire! Yeah, you can kick that shit right down the road, dude. Ugh! Ugh. I'll draw their fire. Tell Rex I wish I was the hero he thought I was. Damn, dude! No! Holy shit! Are we doing movie night or not? Ew! Why is your face looking so weird? - Are you smiling? - Sorry. I just realized everyone else ran out on me. Half the team's doing God knows what. Ranger's applying a hard-candy shell to my MacBook Pro, but you stuck it out, Lex. You know, this team has been my family for so long that sometimes I forget I have a real family you. I wish I had been able to say it years ago, - but, Lex, I - Dad! Wait, you're a hologram? Your father was "sick of everyone's bullshit" and went to bed. Nobody gives Chad a gram job! What's going on? I heard a no Ohh! I jammed my Johnson! What's the matter, extra crispy? Can't handle the original recipe? We all know who's got the juice around here, brah. One dose of the good stuff and your ass is a bear market. Then why stop at one, lightweight? After all, greed is good! Money never sleeps! I could have timed that better. Project Chad is terminated. I suppose revenge on Brad is your top priority now, sir. My top priority? I run a Fortune 500 company. We make more in one day selling canned energy drinks than that stupid experiment cost in 10 years! Sell the lab equipment to the Chinese. - I don't give a shit! - Yes, sir. "Top priority!" Oh, Jesus, Al. I'm sorry, Rex. I was never a hero. I was just a scumbag junkie who took advantage - of your kindness. - Brad, I'm not blind. I always knew the truth about you. But I had faith. And you always rose to the occasion. - Yeah, but - Being part of this team means being there for your teammates. Oh, like you were there for me tonight? Yes, well, it also means trusting your teammates to be there for you. - What the hell is he doing here?! - I have no idea. Brad, you've earned your spot. - League member for life. - Thanks, Rex. Back to the prison level, huh? Ow! Easy! Being a league member has certain perks, like I don't know sitting on each other's faces and junk. - I'll get the peanut butter. - Mmm, make it chunky. Are you [bleep] my cat?!