Dog Gone

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and s*x on TV. ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry. ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Hey, what are you doing with my laptop?

Going through your stuff.

Why were you getting MapQuest directions to Abigail Breslin's house?

I just think she's a one-of-a-kind spirit, and I don't want to see her go down the wrong...

What the hell are you doing going through my personal stuff?

You should really clear your history.

I noticed you Googled yourself, you egomaniac.

Whoa, whoa, th... that wasn't me.

Maybe Lois got on there.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

She's fascinated by things that are going in my life, and... and... Fine, I Googled myself, okay?

You got me. But check this out.

I found a web site for a group called the Rhode lsland Society For Special Literary Excellence, and they happen to have chosen to read and discuss my book, Faster Than the Speed of Love.

See? I knew it was just a matter of time before somebody would recognize my genius.

Whoa, take it easy.

You're getting a bigger head than Chris Matthews.

The economy's in the news today, and congress is considering a minimum wage increase.

Live by satellite to talk about it, Senator Harry Reid in Washington.

How about it, Senator Reid... is this the right move during the worst recession since the 1930s?

Look, if we're gonna get this economy back on track, we have to get more money in the pockets of hard-working Americans who are the backbone Republicans are saying of the American economy, this increase is gonna, in fact, who caused this collapse. to compete in the global marketplace.

Wouldn't it? Senator, wouldn't it...

Chris, if... if I could just...

Senator, let me finish.

Chris? If I could j... Chris, if I...

My forehead, my rules.

Let's go to Los Angeles.

Big actor, played the father in That 70's Show, Kurtwood Smith.

How's it going, Kurtwood?

Good. Thanks for having me.

Quagmire, it's so awesome that you could come over after work today.

I know. I'm so psyched.

Hey, let's make some Kool Aid!

No, we got to wait for Lois to do it.

No, we don't... I know how to make Kool Aid.

No, Quagmire! We're not a'sposed to...

(gasps)

Lois (calling): I'm home, Peter!

Oh, hi, Glenn...

Peter, can you help me with the...

Oh, Peter Griffin!

Peter, you come out here right now and clean up this mess!

No! You said I could have two friends over, and I didn't... Joe couldn't come!

So I only had one friend over, and it was just me and Quagmire, and I said we could make Kool Aid instead of the other friend!

You come out here right now!

Bonnie's way cooler than you!

Joe has computer games!

Peter, it took me a half hour to clean up all that Kool Aid.

I am sick as hell of you constantly making a mess of this house and having to clean up after you.

So I hired a maid.

What, are you nuts? We don't have the money for that.

Oh, really? And what about the PeterCopter?

Did we not have money for the PeterCopter?

Hey, did I say anything when you bought that iron?

Whatever. I want you to meet Consuela.

Consuela, this is my husband, Peter, and these are our children.

Oh. Hello, Mr. Peter.

Hello, Mr. Children.

Consuela's gonna be our new housekeeper.

Why is she wearing makeup like she's going out?

Is this "going out" for them?

Hey, where you going all dressed up?

Oh, nowhere important.

Just this special dinner in my honor.

It's being thrown by the Rhode lsland Society For Special Literary Excellence.

What's that?

Nobody said anything, Brian.

Oh, I thought someone just asked why they're honoring me.

No. Nobody asked that.

Oh, okay.

I... it's no big deal... it's actually, it's just you remember the book I wrote, Faster Than the Speed of Love?

They loved the book so much, they want to give me their most prestigious award.

Mmm.

Look, this is a really big deal.

It'd be nice to get some support around here!

Oh, I'm sorry, Brian. That's great news!

(laughs): Yeah, what channel will the awards ceremony be on?

Oh, are they having an awards ceremony for how well you did the dishes last night?

Ha! You got nothing going on.

Hi, Brian.

I'm Kathy from the Book Society.

So glad you could come.

Hi there. Uh, you know, I wasn't sure I had the right address.

Pizza parlor, huh?

(chuckles) Yeah. The group loves this place.

Oh, hey, this is fine. I... I like this place.

It's... I'm a...

I'm a pizza dawg.

So, how long have you been a member of the Rhode lsland Society For Special Literary Excellence?

Oh, no, I'm not a member; I'm their chaperone.

Chaperone?

Yeah, uh-huh.

We're in that section right over there.

Hey! There he is!

It's Brian Griffin!

Damn it, Randy!

You just spilled my juice box!

Oh.

They absolutely love your book.

The simplistic writing style is very graspable to them.

Here's your award... I made it all by myself.

Thanks.

Hey, Brian! Smell my finger!

I... I... I... I already can.

Lois was right... I'm not a writer, I'm a joke.

I'm one big, fat, ridiculous joke.

Well, maybe you just didn't try hard enough, Brian.

You know what, father from "Family Circus"?

All you do is judge other people.

Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge.

Why don't you shut your (bleep) damn mouth for once and go home and (bleep) your wife in the face!

You know what?

That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

(tires squealing)

(sighs) Ah, almost home.

Oh, my God!

(tires screech, loud thump)

Oh, please be okay, please be okay, please be okay.

Oh, thank God!

Okay, you're gonna be okay, you're gonna be o...

Oh, my God!

(tires squeal)

Oh, my God, yes!

Brian killed a dog!

This is fantastic!

Oh, Mr. Swanson is sleep-dragging again.

I'm flying.

I'm flying!

I clean in here?

Uh, yeah, that's fine.

I'm just reading the funnies, so keep it down.

This is a very shocking "Family Circus."

Radio announcer: Es el tiempo para muchos hornos!

Muchos hornos! (lively latin horns play)

♪ Muchos hornos. ♪

(horns playing)

♪ Muchos hornos. ♪

(horns playing)

♪ Muchos hornos. ♪

(horns playing)

♪ Muchos hornos. ♪ ♪ Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai... ♪ (groans)

♪ Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai... ♪

(tires screech, dog yelps)

There you are!

Uh, what?!

Well, you're jumpy.

So, did you hear all that noise last night?

I swear to God, it sounded like somebody had an accident and maybe somebody got hurt.

What? Wh... what are you talking about?

Yeah, something must've gone down.

The cops were poking around.

What do you mean, like... like Joe?

No. Staties, man, staties.

I wouldn't be surprised if there's something in the paper about it.

Oh, my God!

(line rings)

(gruff voice): Yeah?

Uh, yes, I'm calling about the ad in the paper?

You seen my dog? You callin' about my dog?

He's all I got, 'cause I'm a young street tough, and my parents ain't so good to me.

So, have you heard anything?

Did anybody see anything? Or anybody?

I can see ol' Reggie now, sittin' there with a smile on his face, listenin' to me talk about how daddy beats me somethin' fierce.

Okay, so sounds like no leads, then, right?

Oh, no, no.

Doggy out.

What?

Out. Afuera.

I live here.

No, no. Afuera.

But, look, I'm trying...

Aah! (grunts)

¿Hola?

Stewie: Yes, could you please put Brian back on?

No, no. Do... Doggy afuera.

You're the new housekeeper, aren't you?

Si.

Listen, I don't want to point fingers, but I'm missing about a thousand dollars in play money.

I take.

Wha... what... You... you took it?

Si.

Well, give it back!

Come get, bitch.

Hey, Brian, you want to see what I drew in arts and crafts at day care?

This is called "Happy Sun."

This one's called "Silly Space Man."

See? 'cause he's in the forest.

And this one I call "Alive Dog Burying Dead Dog."

This is a photograph!

Oh, is it?

Wait a minute.

You saw the whole thing?

Yes, indeed.

(laughs) Oh, boy, have I been having some fun at your expense, old man!

How could you do that to me?

Do you have any idea how upset I am about all this?

I killed one of my own kind, Stewie.

How would you feel if you killed a baby?

Well, I've killed seven, but the point is, you might feel better if you just confess to what you've done.

(sighs) Maybe you're right.

Everyone, I have something very important to tell you.

Is this about Meg's cervical cancer?

What?!

(laughing) You always fall for that!

You can't always fall for that!

You... you just can't!

Go ahead, Brian.

(knock at door)

Hi, Joe. Thanks for coming.

Okay, now that Joe's here, I can say this in front of all of you.

Everyone...

I am a criminal.

A few nights ago, I committed a murder.

Then I buried the body and even went out of my way to cover up the evidence.

Oh, my God!

These are very serious charges, Brian.

I know, and that's why I'm prepared for you to arrest me and take me to jail where I belong.

I just couldn't take the stress anymore.

I had to come clean.

I mean, the truth is, I didn't even stop to find out if he had an owner.

I just completely...

Wait, wait, owner?

What are you talking about?

I just told you.

I hit and killed a dog with my car!

(others laughing)

What?

(laughs) Brian... It's a dog!

That's not a crime!

What do you mean?

Well... I mean, it's not like you killed a person.

Or... or even ran over somebody's mailbox.

Killing a dog is not a crime?

(laughing) Of... of course not!

Yeah, especially for you.

An animal killing another animal?

That happens all the time.

Hey, sweet-ass, last night was fantastic.

Hello? Where'd you go?

(gasps)

(screeches)

Oh. Well, then I guess I worried for nothing.

Yeah, nobody cares if a dog gets killed.

I could do it, Brian! I could do it right now!

Nobody would say a thing!

I could blow your brains out and they'd throw me a parade!

What?

I'm just screwing around, Brian.

Nobody cares.

Peter, what are you doing?

She's still here, Lois.

Wasn't she supposed to leave like two hours ago?

I thought so. Go ask her what she's doing.

I'm not asking her. You go ask her.

Uh, Consuela? I thought you finished cleaning hours ago.

Yeah, what are you still doing here?

I wait for rain to stop.

It's time for you to go home.

Is too much rain. I stay.

But it's gonna rain all night.

I sleep here.

Uh, I don't know about that.

I sleep here.

Can I get some covers over here?

No. No. You fat keep you warm.

No, no...

You know, Brian, I love it here at the ice cream shop.

In fact, this is gonna be my happy place.

If I ever get molested or raped, this is the place I'm gonna think of to make everything all right.

That's great, Stewie.

Hey, what's up your fanny?

Nothing. I'm just... I'm a little bummed out from the other day.

I just can't believe our society actually values the life of a dog less than that of a human. It's infuriating.

That is infuriating. Maybe you should go bark at a tree and chew on your balls for an hour.

You know, that's the problem. That's usually the way I'd handle this kind of thing, but not this time.

I mean, look at that dog over there.

You think he wants to be tied to that chair, waiting in the hot sun while his owner gets ice cream?

Hell, no! I am gonna make people see that an animal's life is just as important as a human's!

Go, fellow canine, be free and enjoy life!

(screams) Oh, my God! Help! Help!

It's killing my dog!

(screams) He's got my neck!

(groaning)

(gunshots)

(sobbing) Oh, my God! My dog is dead!

Maybe that's why he was tied up.

Meg, will you take one of these and pass it down, please?

What's this?

I'm starting a new advocacy group.

The Quahog Animal Equal Rights League.

Our first meeting is tomorrow night, and I'd really appreciate it if you guys would come and show your support.

Well, of course we will, Brian. We'd be happy to come.

Terrific. See, I thought I'd start locally, and then maybe try to merge with one of the larger groups.

Oh, that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.

Join me for what?

No, PETA. The organization.

What organization?

PETA.

What?

PETA is an acronym, Peter.

No, I'm not! I'm Catholic!

Are we really doing this?

No, Peter, I'm just saying, maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.

Somebody's having a rally for me now?

No, for PETA.

That's me! I'm Peter!

I'm not talking about you, Peter! I'm talking about PETA!

Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon, or I'm gonna have something to say to them!

I am very busy!

I think Betty White is in PETA.

That doesn't even make any sense!

(knocking at door)

Oh. Hi, Consuela.

Hello, Mr. Peter.

No school today, so I bring my nephew, Mikey.

You want to buy light-up yo-yo?

Well... kinda.

That's it. Peter, we have got to get rid of her.

I couldn't agree more. Just let me see if Mikey sells those things with batteries or what the situation is there.

Consuela, I'm sorry. But this is not working out.

We're asking you to go.

No, I stay. I clean.

You don't understand. You're fired.

No, I keep job.

Here. Here's $40 if you leave right now.

No. I stay.

God, she's more stubborn than you are.

Daddy, I want a turn on the swing set.

No.

But you've gone for two turns.

Get lost.

It looks like fun, and I want to do it.

No, I'm doing it. I'm gonna do a big jump-off.

Aaa! Get Mom!

Mom! Mom! Mom!

Good evening, everyone. I want to thank you all for joining me at this very important event.

Animals are treated as second-class citizens everywhere throughout this nation.

We kill them for food, we humiliate them as pets, and we use them for medical and cosmetic research.

Take a look.

♪ ♪

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, your animal brethren need your help.

Everywhere they are crying out in the hopes that someone will hear.

In cosmetic research labs...

Well, the lipstick is not bulletproof.

We know that now! For humans!

On veal farms...

(loud grinding)

(cheering)

And in simple American households...

Okay, Barney, I'm going to work now, but I'm gonna leave NPR on for you.

Radio announcer: Good day to you, and welcome to All Things Considered, a show where we talk very softly and right into the mic.

Do you hear that?

I'm whispering right in your ear.

I'm right in your ear.

Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.

(yelping)

Won't you please do your part to help? Thank you.

Wow. Inspiring stuff.

Now underneath each one of your chairs you'll find a pamphlet with a simple list of animal rights do's and don't's.

Wait a minute, I'm not allowed to have steak?

Well, no. Steak is made by killing cattle.

No medical research?

But how are we supposed to find cures for disease?

Well, there are many more promising research methods for curing disease than animal testing.

Name one.

I want a hamburger.

I have a sudden craving for quail.

No, no, you're missing the point.

We've got to change our way of thinking.

Animals are miracles of nature, just like humans.

But our society hasn't figured that out.

Do you know that in some Asian countries they actually cook and eat dogs?

What?! Oh no!

Are they... are they good?

Yeah, I wonder what they taste like.

I would try it... I mean, if everybody else was.

I'm adventurous.

You know what, you know what? This is driving me crazy.

I wanna eat a dog now.

I say we eat that one!

What?!

Get him!

(sniffling and sobbing)

What the hell is this?

Nobody gives a damn about animals!

I just never realized how little meaning my life had!

Stewie, my life isn't worth anything!

Oh, come on... Hey...

(sobbing)

Don't worry, Rupert. I know how to get him out of his funk.

Poor b*st*rd's more upset than I was when I read Curious George Goes to His Gym Coach's Apartment.

Monkeys aren't supposed to drink chardonnay! He's tricking you!

Get out of there!

Announcer: Abogados! Cinco cinco cinco, cinco cinco cinco cinco!

¿Accidente? Abogados!

Cinco cinco cinco, cinco cinco cinco cinco!

Uh, Consuela, does this rag smell like chloroform?

No, no, is no...

(doorbell chimes)

I need more Lemon Pledge.

Okay.

(knocking)

Is this the Griffin household?

Yes...

There was a fire at Quahog Liquor last night.

No people were killed, but the burned body of a dog was found inside.

The tag on the collar says he lived here.

I'm sorry.

Oh, my God! Brian!

What the hell happened?

Brian's dead!

Hey, come here. Got something you'll wanna see.

I can't believe Brian's dead.

My best friend in the whole world... and he's gone.

(sobbing)

You know, Peter, I think he was also my best friend. he was the smartest person I knew.

Nothing will ever be the same again.

Wow. I guess my life does have meaning.

I never realized how important I was to this family.

Wait a second. Just to prove a point to me, you burned down a liquor store and murdered a dog?!

Well, a stray.

Thank you.

Well, I guess we should tell them the truth now.

Well, hold... Hold on a sec.

We could... Probably let 'em go for just a few more minutes.

(sobbing)

Hi, we here at Family Guy want you to know that we respect all living beings and assure you that no animals were harmed in the making of this episode.

But we're about to hurt the feelings of this Italian opera singer by prematurely dropping the curtain on his performance.

♪ Figaro li, figaro la, figaro mi, figaro... ♪