China Syndrome

I'm getting married. To who? Miss ava st. Clair. Oh, my gosh. Carrie, you remember that apartment in the city We signed up for years ago? Uh-Huh It's available now. I don't wanna move to the city. What are you talkin' about? You said you were ok with this, That my dream was your dream. What are you doin'? What, are you-You leavin' me? No, doug. I'm going to our apartment in the city, And i hope you join me. Hi. Thanks for painting the bedroom, And that mural in the bathroom is amazing. You-You like it? I love it. You made me look really busty. I may be moving out. Don't be sorry. Roommates are a dime a dozen. Heh. And so, let me just get this straight. You're gonna get rid of the apartment, I'm gonna get a new job, And we're both gonna get a baby. That's the deal that's on the table. I'm in. Me, too. Dinelli office furnishings. First in lumbar. Doug heffernan speaking. Have you checked your apartment in manhattan? Bill! Man, i don't know what you want from me, man. I can't help you out here. Look, you know what? Carrie just walked in. I will ask her. Jeez. Carrie, it's my friend bill. He's-He's movin' into manhattan. Bill who? Hmm? Bill who? Uh, bill krispies. You got rid of that apartment, like, 3 weeks ago. There's definitely somebody in there by now, right? Uh, yeah, there's probably somebody in there. I told him that. Yeah, bill, no go. Ok, listen, do not be late for my father's wedding, ok? I need you and deacon on the road by noon. I have to go there now 'cause i got a lot to do, ok? I love you. Bye. A brand-New exercise bike. I'll bid, uh, 750. Doug. It's open! It's locked. Sorry. It's locked! Just open the damn door, will you? Oh, gosh, all right. I'm comin', you princess. There you go. I've been honking out there- Where are your pants? Oh, wouldn't you love to know? Why are you sittin' around here, drinkin'? We gotta get to the wedding, man. Mm-Mmm. I ain't goin'. Hey, come on, man! The rice-A-Roni is much cheaper than the turtle wax! What the hell is goin' on here? Oh, well, let's see. I'm divorcin' carrie, And ensign curtis here just cost himself A trip to the showcase showdown. Get a divorce? I thought you guys were good now. Yeah, well, turns out she secretly kept Her little apartment in the city. "Oh, doug, i love ya. Let's adopt chinese babies together. " It was all a pack of lies Or a-A web of lies. Aw, some groupin' of lies. So she kept the place, huh. Did she say why? She doesn't even know i know, man, but it's obvious. It's her ticket out of f-Fattytown. But you know what? I'm beatin' her to the punch. You know what? All i know is i'm supposed to get you, A cake, and a rabbi to poughkeepsie by 4:00, so put your pants on. No. I ain't goin', buddy. You're doin' it. Man, don't make me Carry you out of here in your drawers, man. Don't make me carry you out of here in my drawers. All right, you know what? Just come on. Let's go. No way. It's not happenin', man. Stop it! All right. Fine. Not goin' anywhere. You're goin'. No, i'm not. Oh, god. Unh! I- I think i- I think i accidentally touched something. Accidentally or been plannin' for years? Look, just put your pants on And get in the car. Fine! You know what? I will get in the car. You mark my words. You will never see pants on this body again. Now, dad, we have a lot of family coming today That you haven't seen in a while, So i want you to remember no slapping anybody. But bernice is coming. Ok, dad, last time, she knocked you out, ok? Leave it alone. Leave it alone. I'm gonna go see if ava needs anything, ok? All right. All right. Oh, are you ok, mom? I know this has gotta be rough seeing arthur get married. I'm very happy for him. Why would you say that? Well, you've been sobbing and retching a lot lately. No more than usual. Greetings. Oh, hey, arthur. Um, here are those place cards you wanted. Uh, the venetian-Style calligraphy you wanted was really intricate. I was up all night. Thank you. I hope this isn't in lieu of a gift. Congratulations on your nuptials, arthur. Thank you, veronica. Ava st. Clair. Pish-Posh. That she is. I guess i always knew you'd wind up with someone like that. You deserve it. You're a good loser, veronica, The best loser i've ever known. Thank you, arthur. Yo! Yo, rabbi! Over here. I hope you don't mind sittin' in the back. I, uh, got the cake up here. Ah, no, no. It's-It's fine. It's just, um Do you know there's a man with no pants back here? Oh, yeah. That's- That's the best man. He's sleepin' off a couple six-Packs. Do me a favor and, uh, give him a smack, will ya? Oh, ok. Y- You gotta really drill him. I'm not comfortable drilling anyone on shabbos. All right. I'll take care of it. Hang on. Aw, deac, gotta tell ya, gettin' a little tired of that move. There it is. Ok. Ok. Oh, you look beautiful. Really? I'm so nervous. Oh, you're gonna be fine. At my last wedding, i passed out Right into a chopped-Liver swan. But gerald was so understanding. Oh, god rest his soul. That was your last husband? Yeah. Well After the first jerk i married, I decided from now on, only gay men. Oh. Ava, darling, that dress is delicious. You're a vision in chiffon. I can't wait to rip it off tonight And finally have my way with you. Could i-Could i help at all? Or are you Yeah, you know what? Just, uh, let me bridge off your shoulder. I'm gonna have to fire my hips off - There we go. Aah! I'm gettin' under it. What's goin' on back there? You don't have your pants on yet? The rabbi and i are working on it, thank you. It's been 2 hours. There's no room back here. Why the hell didn't you take the minivan? Aw, kelly's got it. She doesn't like Driving this car. It's too small. Oh, great. So she gives it to her 8- Foot-Tall husband. Yeah, i can't believe you aren't the one getting divorced. Hey, hey. Stop talkin' about divorce, will you? You guys are gonna be fine. You always work these things out. She screams. You cry. But this is different, deac, ok? We had a commitment about our future, and- And she just didn't hold up her end. That's not right, is it? Well, i certainly understand why you're upset, But i also know that god believes in forgiveness. Yeah, i'm- Is that just your god or any god? Do you think you and i have different gods? No. No, no, no, no, no. Oh. I mean, yeah. Only 'cause My god is Jesus. But, uh-But from what i understand, My god is the son of your god, So i'm sure they're on very good terms. They probably see each other all the time, You know, holidays, family functions. What the hell was that for?! To shut you up. Don't give me your back talk! There are plenty of harpists out there who will play dueling banjos! You sent for me, darlin'? Yes. Dad, i, um Where's ava? Well, that's actually what i wanna Ava left, dad. What? Yeah, she was very upset. She's-She's very sorry, but she can't marry you. Wh-Why? Well, uh Turns out ava Like, uh, many women in show business, Wanted a different kind of husband, More of a companion. I was a wonderful companion. Yeah. Yeah. Uh But she wanted a companion who was also A choreographer Type. A hairdresser type. You don't see where i'm goin' with this? She wanted a black man? Gay, dad. She wanted a gay man. She thought you were gay. That's preposterous. That's not what she wants at all. Dad, look. This is a picture of gerald, her last husband. What do you see when you look at that? I see a normal heterosexual man Leaping into the air with a parasol. How did i not notice that before? I'm sorry, daddy. But i still don't understand. What did i ever do to give her the impression that i was gay? Hey. In retrospect, that was an unfortunate choice of halloween costume. Dad, look, i know this is hard, But we have a hundred guests out there waiting for the ceremony to start. You have to go out there and tell 'em. But i had my heart set on being married today. Not just my heart. I took enough cialis for a hockey team. The bottom line is, dad, ava's not coming back. But i could be gay for her. I could be the gayest man the world has ever seen! I know you could. But-But it's over, dad. Arthur, what's this all about? Why are we in here? I need to speak to you privately. What are you, a surgeon? Beat it! So what is it? Veronica, something marvelous has happened. I suddenly realized it's not ava i wanna marry today. It's you. What? You wanna marry me? Yes. I'm proposing to you. I would have done it years ago, but I found your beauty intimidating. She dumped you, huh? Yeah. Apparently i'm not man enough for her. Or i'm too much man. It's all very confusing. So now you're tryin' to jam me in as your second choice? Well, let me tell you something, arthur. I may not be the queen of england or even ava st. Clair, But i deserve more than being proposed to in front of a urinal. Look, look, look, i admit i've never shown you the respect you deserve. I was petty and vain and thought i could do better, But i realize now that i can't. Pride goeth before a fall. Please, veronica. I don't wanna die in that basement. I'd much rather die in a ground-Floor apartment such as yours With you by my side. That does sound nice. I know we could learn to love each other. I already love you, arthur. Well, then, we're halfway there. Um, good afternoon. Everybody, ahem, i'm rabbi eli feldman. Today in the presence of god, We will be joining together arthur spooner and ava st. Clair, who have found joy, love, And happi- Excuse me a minute. Happiness in each other's spirits. Thank you. "Please turns off all cellphones and pagers, "And in your programs, wherever the name ava st. Clair appears, Replace it with veronica olchin. " Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. Hey. Where were you? Doug got drunk and wouldn't put his pants on. How's it goin' here? Oh, arthur switched brides. Now he's marrying spence's mom. Oh. Dad! Well, what the hell is going on? Meet your new mother. Keep wednesdays free, darling. That's when we visit nana in the home. Where's my aunt ava? Mom, what are you doing? What does it look like i'm doing? Now, you just stay there, because you have to give me away. I'm not giving you away! This is crazy! Yes, this is crazy! Stop taking your brother's side! Where's my aunt ava? Oh, doug, there you are. Do you know what's going on? Ava left, and now my dad wants to marry veronica. Hmm. That's nice. He-He wants us to start. Sweetheart, i think you go down first. Where's my aunt ava? She's your aunt ava. Now get movin'! It's all right. It's all right. Dad, are you sure you wanna do this? You really wanna marry veronica? Why? You got someone better? Oy. All right, let's just start. Let's just start. Piece of work, that man, right? Yeah. Well, at least he doesn't tell vicious lies to the people that love him. What are you talking about? He does that every day. What's the matter with you, anyway? You know what? I don't think i feel like discussing it right now. Thanks for comin'. I'm not gay. Thanks for comin'. Not gay. Hello, zachary. I'm not gay. I can't believe you're doing this. I love him, spencer. He's treating you like an old dishrag. No marriage is perfect. Ok. Ahem. Is everyone set to go? Uh-Huh. Baruch atta adonal- Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's that? It's a hebrew prayer. Why hebrew? Well, the-The original bride was jewish, A- And i'm a rabbi. Are you jewish? Albanian orthodox. What the hell is that? It's a very nice religion. We'll go with your thing. Baruch atta adonal elohanu Mazel tov! Mazel tov! Carrie, your phone was going off like crazy during the ceremony. You got, like, 4 calls. Really? Oh, my god. It's the adoption agency. Doug- There you are. What are you doing? Just enjoying the smells of poughkeepsie. Well, i have some very exciting news. You're not gonna believe it. Look at this picture. What's that? Our car. Oh. I backed into a pole. That's for the insurance company. No, no, no, no, no, no. Who's that? I don't know. Somebody's baby. Yeah. Our baby. Our baby. Oh, my god. Yeah. Her name is ming mel. She's 4 days old. Isn't she beautiful? All right, i have to call the adoption agency And tell them that we're on the next flight out to beijing. I've-I can't believe i'm making this call. I mean, i've ordered chinese before, but never a baby. Ah ha ha! Ahh! Carrie, we're not doing this. What? What are you talking about? I know about the apartment, And i know you never got rid of it. Oh, yeah, that. Heh. Weird, huh? Uh Look, doug, you have every right to be upset, ok? I- I should've gotten rid of it a couple weeks ago, but i- But what? I mean But i was just nervous about us getting back together. So was i, you know, but we made a deal. I mean, i quit my job for you, and i loved that job. You hated that job. You said so a thousand times. No, i said i hated having a job. There's a difference. The point is i took a leap of faith, For the sake of our future, and you didn't. All right. Well, i'm taking my leap of faith now. It doesn't count now, carrie. I mean, Now you're just leaping for the baby. Admit it. You've never taken a leap of faith For me in your whole life. I married you. What do you call that? Uh, hitting the jackpot. Getting married, that's not taking a leap of faith. When you get married, you think it's gonna be great forever. You know, but then You finally start to realize, "wow, he's fat, and he's stayin' fat. " "Man, she isn't gettin' any nicer, is she?" Smoke clears, and it's just the two of us Standing there fat, mean, and naked- That's when it takes a leap of faith to keep going, And you didn't, And i can never forget that. Ok, doug, so what are you saying? Are you saying we're over? I guess i am. That's a great shot. Smile. Ohh. Oh, arthur, i've never been so happy in my life. If our marriage ended tomorrow, i have no regrets. Good to know. Holly, how are you? Hi, veronica. Hi, arthur. Congratulations. Look at you. You're pregnant. No, no. I made that mistake before. She has an eating disorder. Oh, no, no. I actually am pregnant. Oh, wonderful. So, where's your husband? Uh, yeah. Where is he? Uh, he must've gone to the men's room. Oh, that's where arthur proposed to me. Oh. I've had that happen, yeah. Actually, it was more of a porta-Potty. But anyway, congratulations. Thank you, sweetheart. Carrie, congratulations. Thank you, lou. It's a happy day, isn't it? Yes, very happy day. Hello. Hey. You're lookin' well. I, uh, like the new highlights. Thank you. Look, danny, i know things got ugly Between us when i moved out, And that- That was my fault, And i just wanna say i'm sorry. Hey, man, don't worry about it, buddy, all right? Good. Well, now that, you know, arthur's marrying my mom, Um, he's probably gonna be taking, uh, my bed Since it's same as hers, So i was wondering if maybe i could Move back Who's this? This is, uh, sandy, my new girlfriend And roommate. Roommate? That's Great. Yeah, i moved in last week. Oh, i had to pack up some of your stuff To make some room in the closet, mostly Magazines. Yeah, those are for a research project about thailand, With, um Hey, spence, congratulations. Oh. Thanks, lou. Happy day, isn't it? Very happy. Um, Would you excuse me for a second? Doug? Spencer! Hey, buddy, party's out here. Let me just get you set up, man. I gotta get you set up. Ah. There you go, buddy. Sit down. Sit down. Oh, god. Hey. What-Wh-What are you doing out here? Just celebratin' my freedom. Carrie and i are gettin' a divorce. What?! Mm-Hmm. Turns out she kept Her apartment in manhattan, So split 'em up! Doug, i have a confession to make. I'm the one that called and told you she was still in the apartment. Oh, yeah? Yeah, i- I thought i was in love with her. But-But i realize now it was because things weren't going well at home, and Now that's gone, too. You are one sweet Creepy little dude. Hey, if you wanna move in with me, that's cool. Really? You mean it? Hell to the yeah! I know i mess with you a lot, but The truth is i love you more than any of my other friends. Well, thanks, doug. I- You know, y-You've always been kind of a hero to me. I am not a hero! I'll kill you! Ok, i didn't- I didn't mean anything by it. And now i love you. Come on. Let's wrestle. Aw, kel, i can't believe i screwed everything up. One moment of weakness, and i lost my husband, my ming mel. He really won't forgive you? No, and who can blame him? I mean, i didn't show him The commitment he deserves, And that is just unforgivable. Yeah, well, he's let you down lots of times. Yeah, but nothing like this. What about when he faked a heart attack Because he forgot your boss' name? That wasn't a big deal. What about when he used your tax refund to buy an ice-Cream truck? Yeah, but that was my fault. I shouldn't have left the check lying around. What about when you had to cancel your birthday trip to paris Because he was a semifinalist in a bladder bust contest? Yeah, that was a kick in the chiclets. Folks, we have a very special treat for you tonight. Our beautiful bride is gonna sing one of her hit records for us. So please welcome to the stage The very lovely and talented ava st. Clair. I- I'm not ava st. Clair. I'm not cliff robertson, but that didn't stop me From signing my meals to his hotel room. Now get up there. So would you care for garden or caesar? Uh, garden salad, please. And would you know if there's anyone sitting there? Yeah, my husband. Heh heh. I mean, of course i have a husband. Look at me. Of course. Do you know if he would like garden or caesar? Caesar. Holly, it's so good to see you. Hi, lou. Such a happy day. Oh, god. This is pornographic. Aah! Ohh! Aah! That-That's 11-4, me. Let's go. Hands and knees. No, i'm not wrestling with you anymore. You don't respect my safe word. Such a baby. Hey, holly. I'm drunk. Are you? No. Well, a little. Hey, hol. How's it goin'? Great. Great. My husband just left me, And i'm about to have a baby with no job and no money, But other than that, real good. I'm splittin' up with carrie. You wanna move in with me? Really? Oh, my god. Yes. Yes. No, no. You-Wait. You said i could move in with you. Did i? You're out. Holly's in. Doug, i-I can't believe how kind and generous you're being. I mean, honestly, i didn't even think you liked me that much. No. Truth is, i mean, i love you more than any of my other friends. Oh, my god. Doug, i'm-Thank you. I really needed to hear something like that right now. Oh, no problem. Come on. Let's wrestle. Carrie, he sold your hair. Uh-Huh. Uh-Huh. Thank you very much. Now if i could have your attention, it's time for the toast. Toasting our groom, arthur spooner, Is his best man and son-In-Law, doug heffernan. Holly, have you seen douglas? He fell asleep when we were wrestling. Well, at least you weren't under him when it happened. That was 6 of the most terrifying hours of my life. Spence, congratulations. You're my new best man. Now get up there and toast me, kid. I don't feel like it, arthur. I'm having a very rough night. I'm your father. I command you to toast me. I'll toast who i want when i want. You got that, dad? This isn't over. Hey, uh, heh. Like the way you stood up to him there. Oh, thanks. Thanks. You know, kind of reminded me of the way You stood up to our landlord about that roach problem. Oh. Well, the lease clearly states when there's more than a thousand, It's his responsibility. You see, i wouldn't have known that. Hey, did you see america's next top model this week? Yes! Can you believe it came down to marquesa and lisi? I know! I mean, it's so obvious who's gonna win this thing. Duh. Marquesa. Marquesa. Ha ha ha ha ha! Marquesa. Eww. Lisi's way better for couture. Come on, danny. Let's go home. I'm bored. All right. Why don't you, uh, go grab your jacket? I'll be right with you. Ok. Sorry about the whole marquesa thing. It's cool. It's cool. Well, i guess she's waitin' for me. Better take off. Yeah. See you at the allergist's. I don't even know you that well. I'm a crusty curmudgeon with a heart of gold. Now go! Hi. Uh, i'll never forget the first time i met arthur. I was, uh, sitting in the heffernan living room, watching tv. Uh, arthur came in, and when he saw me, He begged me not to hurt him, then ran off to call the police. Ha ha ha ha ha! Hoo! And, hello, remember that time your appendix burst And he wouldn't leave work early? He did leave work early to go to the rodeo. That's it. I just-I think you'll feel better If you have a little something to eat. I'll get you my husband's prime rib. Oh. Thank you, spence. You know, you really had me goin' out there, doug. "I took a leap of faith for you. You didn't take a leap of faith for me. " Do you know how many times in our marriage You have screwed me over to do what you wanted to do? Aw, here we go with the rodeo again. It comes to town once a year! It wasn't just that, doug. It was many other things, And i forgave you for everything, So you damn well better forgive me for this. You don't tell me what i better damn well better do. Ok, you know what? Do whatever you wanna do, but let me tell you something. I love this baby, and i want her, And i am gonna get her for myself. Oh, no. No, no, no, 'cause i wanted a baby first, ok? So if anybody's gonna get the baby, it's gonna be me. Oh, you really think so, butch? Well, i'm on my way to china right now to get her. Yeah? Not if i get there first. I'm gonna get there first. Whoa. And then there was the time arthur thought i was eddie murphy. Hey, we gotta go. Go. Go where? To china to get my baby. Come on. Actually, you can just drop me at the airport If you don't wanna come with. Uh, sure. Let's all toast arthur spooner, a great guy Who's a little racist. Doug, should i move in after you get back from china or- Hey, holly! Glad to see you could make it. Well, i guess i'm back out on the street. Well, seeing as you and i are in the same situation, Do you wanna get a place together? Really? You mean it? Oh, of course. I-I would like nothing better than You forget something? Yeah. I forgot my roommate. W- Wait. You and i were gonna- Yeah, that's not gonna work out. Well, you know, if things work out between us, You'll have to convert. Of course i will. To what? I'll just get my passport, And then we'll get the hell out of here. Doug, you've never been out of america. Why do you even have a passport? I heard they still had the mcrib in canada. Oh, hey. Off to china. Don't wait up. Hey! Did you take my passport? Oh, no, babe, it's still here Somewhere. Where the hell did she hide this freakin' passport? Deac. Did you find it? Not yet. Well, keep lookin', okay? The last flight for china leaves in 2 hours. Oh, man! Oh, look at this. A thousand chopsticks. It's like a cruel joke. No luck, guy. I looked everywhere. But i did find this first-Season dvd of deadwood. Mind if i - Oh, just take it, would you? Take anything you want. I- I'm good with this. It's over, deac. She won. She won the baby. I'm sorry, man. What are you gonna do now? I don't know. Eat, i guess. Hello. You found it? Gotta admit the vegetable crisper was an inspired choice. But you've never gone in that drawer your whole life. You don't even know it exists. But deacon does. His b. L. T. Was delicious, As is my revenge. Doug. Hmm? Doug. Oh, god. What? So what's our endgame here? What are we gonna do when we land? We gonna race through the streets of beijing to the adoption agency? I don't know. Because if we have to take rickshaws, you'll lose. Not if it's downhill. What happened here? I don't know. You know, when my, uh When my mom died when i was a kid, It felt like i was nothing, you know, like i had no life. My dad did his best to be a good parent, but Who we kiddin'? Anyway, on-On sundays, he used to take me To this park on vernon boulevard, Right on the east river, Where you could look across and see manhattan. And while he was, uh, off Handing out leaflets or chasing squirrels, I would just stand at the railing, And i would look at the beautiful apartment buildings Across the river, and i- I would imagine this great life That i might have someday actually living in one of them, you know, With a great job as a fashion designer for sergio valente Or goin' to studio 54 every night. God, i'm old. But then i grew up, and reality set in, And the dream got put away. And then i met you, And i was- I was happy in a whole New way i just- I never imagined. I mean, i was In that apartment - I mean, i guess just dreams stick with you, because I just-I felt like carrie again, you know, little carrie finally having the thing she wanted back then, and At the moment i should have given it up, i- I couldn't, you know, because it was like I was taking something away from her. You know, does that make any sense, doug? Yeah. It's funny to hear you say that, 'Cause all these years, Even when things were good with us, I just still sensed there was something Pulling you away from me, You know, like this little voice inside saying, "Wanna be in manhattan. I wanna be in manhattan. " Plus, you said it out loud a lot. I di-I did. I did hear that voice every day. And now i just hear her, her voice saying Whatever chinese babies say, and- And i want her. And i-I want you. And i-I wish that we could just put this all behind us, you know, And just be a family. I love you, carrie. I love you, too. Oh, god. No, he's gotta get up. He's gotta get up. Hi, ming mel. Ming mel heffernan. You know what? It works. Come on, honey. We gotta go to the airport. Just a second. Mommy and i are gonna take you back home to queens. You're gonna love queens. Queens has got the new york mets. It's got- Well, not a lot else, actually. Used to have pastrami king, but they shut that down. Now it's a bookstore. Tell you, the world is a crazy place. Ooh. She smiled at me. Either that, or she's poopin'. Or maybe both. Maybe she just really enjoys- I'm pregnant. Pooping. What? Yeah. I haven't felt well since we landed, And i bought a pregnancy test In the drug store in the lobby, And we're gonna have a baby. Well, what do we do with this one? I don't know. I think i'm having an anxiety attack. C- Calm down. A- Are you sure? Yes, i am sure. I mean, look. Wh-What means pregnant, the monkey or the dragon? That's just decorative. Look, it came out blue. That means i'm pregnant. It must have happened in the apartment that night. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. I thought the doctor said you couldn't get pregnant. No, she said we probably couldn't. It happens all the time. When couples don't think they can get pregnant, they stop trying, And then they adopt a baby and - Oh, god. Carrie, you have to calm down. I can't calm down, doug. Yesterday i had no husband, no baby, And today i have a husband and 2 babies, and i'm in china. That's a lot of change for one day. What are we gonna do? I- I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna fly home today, And we're gonna start our new life as parents Of 2 beautiful, wonderful children With very different-Shaped eyes. Everything's gonna be fine. T- Trust me. Everything's gonna be fine. Ming mel. Ming mel. It's ok. Ohh. It's all right, baby. Calm down. It's all right, baby. All right. No, i know- There you go. Good girl. It didn't work out. I love you. Oh, man. I gotta call the guys. Already did. On their way. You called 'em? Yep. You are the best mail order bride ever!