Heart of Archness: Part III

What do you mean "Lana hasn't called"? I mean, I've been sitting here for like five million years, and the phone hasn't rung once, and so every time it doesn't, I just assume it's not her, not calling to say they They should've rescued Sterling and Rip from the pirates hours ago! - Maybe they did and just didn't call - No, I gave them explicit orders to What the hell are you wearing? Uh, this thing cal cd my boss made me sleep at my desk, so pajamas? Men's pajamas? For God's sake woman, where is your pride? In my work. That may be the funniest thing you've ever said. Thank you. Oh shut up. And then try Lana's sat-phone! Wait, what if Lana's been captured, too? Then I'll have to ransom her and Sterling and Rip and, well no, Miss Gillette's on her own. Still, get Cyril in here! I need him to find a way to pay for all this! Wait a minute, that can't be right I remember being really mad and really drunk and deciding to do some online Banking! Oh my God, I must have embezz, arrassed myself last night, huh? Don't talk like black people, and how should I know? I'm still ripped. So, you don't, um, happen to remember me saying anything about passwords to say, Swiss bank accounts? I don't even remember who peed on your sofa. - Although, if I was a gamblin' man - Cyril! What! Ugh, smells like a kennel in here. Cash reserves, how much do we have? - I'll, uh, need to run those numbers - Well hurry up, we don't have a minute to lose! God only knows what kind of torture Sterling's going through. Get off the bucket. I'm not done. Yes, you are. But I didn't, you know, I can't with all the everybody looking at me, and then the judgements. Noah? Yes? I just traveled eight thousand miles and got ambushed by Malaysian pirates trying to rescue a person who is now responsible for my getting crabs twice? Oh come on, These crabs, this time, were not my fault. - This whole dungeon is, um - Were you gonna say "lousy with them"? - I was, but then I realized that's - Where that phrase comes from, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So Guess what I'm in. No mood? Winner winner, chicken dinner. Wait, shouldn't it be some kinda crab dish? Because of the crabs? Like crabcakes? Ooh, or Lana. Lana. Lana. Lanaaahhhhh! What? Dugenon us crabs. Cause we're in a dungeon. I'm kidding, crab rangoon. Noah, seriously, I swear to God Stop. Rock beats spoon, you should know that, you're an archaeologist. Ann! Thropologist! I mean if you're doing it just to get on my nerves, okay I get it, - but if you're trying to actually escape - Well at least he's trying something. - As opposed to the doublemint twins - Meh! And it's one, two, three, go Herd! - Missed it by that much - Shut up. It's no use. That trap door goes up a vertical shaft to the radio room - Exactly, and if we get to the radio - Which this idiot shot to piece Holy shit. Wh-? What the hell happened to him?! - He - Who knows?! Maybe a brain aneurysm! No, he It's the silent killer! Noah! Not unlike a metal spoon. Sharpened to a razor's edge and used to slit an anthropologist's birdlike throat. - He just kinda keeled over - Probably thanks to your bucket-stankch. - Wh-? I didn't even go! We're going, one, two, three, down Herd! Oof! Jeez, how bout a little warning?! I said "Down Herd. " Couple things, one, Ray, thanks for perpetuating the stereotype of the gay man as collegiate cheerleader For your information, almost all male cheerleaders are - Finely-tuned heteroathletes, yeah, hang on, I'm getting a call. Brrnng, hello? Hi, it's lacrosse, you lose. Lacrosse?! Yeah, it's Algonquin for bloodsport? That's not Algonquin for anything. Noah? - My sat-phone! Yeah, Noah, her, wait, your what? - My sat-phone! The pirates took it! And since I haven't called in, ISIS should be calling me any time now! Jeezow Lana, answer your stupid phone. Hello?! Gimme Sterleen Archer mudda! Oh my God be more Chinesey. Pirates, line two! - Wh-? Well for -- put them through! Oh my God be more I hate you. That's why your phone is blinking! Oh. Hello? - This is Malory Archer - This is Malory Archer Okay, den you lissen to me! No, you just listen to me, buster! Bucky! If you touch one hair on my son's head, I'll have your guts for garters! You like wear garter? - Wh-? It's an idiom! You heathen! Malory will call, she'll haggle over the ransom for me, you and Riley. What about me? And me? - We'll come back for you later - No, shut up, we gotta get that phone, or something, I don't know, but I don't want Mother talking to Bucky! Why not? She's been coming to your rescue since you were in short pants! Rr. Rr. Rrr! Oh for, Sterling get your things. We're leaving. Before this quack's office burns to the ground. Rr. Rr. Rrr! Sterling get your things. We're leaving. Before this cruddy school burns to the ground. Rr. Rr. Rrr! Sterling get your things! He's gay. You were in the army? Oh, who remembers. Well, try! I can't! Remember! There's a reason they call it "black-out drunk!" If I don't remember that password I can't unembezzle that money, and then I'm screwed because I don't have - Ten million dollars? That's outrageous, I won't pay it, I don't even want the gay back. So you better just sharpen your pencil. - I don't have penc - It's an idiom! Aw, but I love it when Malory bails you out of one of your idiot jams. Oh really. Yeah, 'cause then I get to watch her rub it in your face. - Oh my God, okay first of all -- - First of all! - Wh-?! Riley no! Don't say it! He's been here voluntarily! Partying his ass off, as king of the pirates! What? Don't listen to him, I bet that brain aneurysm scrambled les Broca's area. Language center of the brain? Noah. Thank you. No problem. Actually not making much progress. You're kidding. No. Three million, and not a penny more. And before you see one thin dime, I want to talk to Sterling! Cyril! Waagh! - Hey, Ms. Archer - Three million in cash? That, uh, should not be a problem. I know it shouldn't be. And it better not be. Why would it be, it's not, I just need to move a little money around. So move it. Today please! Keep looking, maybe I wrote it down! Archersucks, no. Killarcherdie, no. - Uh - Just trying all my usual passwords. Hey, way to not give him the power. Thank you. Do you hear me? I want proof of life! Duh. - You lying pathetic little piece of -- - Hooof! Lana no! C'mon, you're gonna kill him! Yeah, that's the plan! Hey! Knock it off! Look, Lana, don't get me wrong, I like your spunk -- - Phrasing. Shut up, but I promised his mother I'd bring him home safely, and I just assume that includes his spleen. - Think that ship might've sailed - No, not a ship -- - That was an idiom. A helicopter. There's an old Huey down by the dock, and it just so happens Rip Riley here can fly it. No shit. Yeah Rip Riley here can fly anything. You know, as long as it's got fuel. Well, Rip, why don't we just look around for some fuel in this cell - Doubt they'd keep it in here. - In which! We're still locked! I figured we'd kinda work backwards. From the stealing of the helicopter. Archerstabface, no. Archerbortion -- - No! What're you, gonna type random words in there the rest of your life? All five minutes of it! At which point Ms. Archer will probably walk in here and dissolve me in a drum of acid, unless you have a better idea. - State-dependent memory! - So, your plan is for us to get as black-out, knee-walking, shitfaced drunk as we were last night, in the hopes that we remember the password. Well don't hog it all! Pam! Ugh, seriously, I bet that would've killed a lesser man. There's a lesser man than you? Uh yeah, his name's Houdini? - Whom I wish you were -- - Yeah, cause then I - could just puke up a key - Because you'd be dead. Houdini's dead? You know what? Yes. Here's what we do, we lure Bucky down here, and take him hostage. And then? Then we'll see. We'll keep it loose. Oh for, and just how the hell are we supposed to lure him down here?! Sterling Archer? What's that? Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of my plan working. Telephone! It's you mudda! - My -- Wait, please tell me you didn't tell her I was temporarily the pirapi-king. No not yet, but this is damn good I Nnngh! Sterling?! Sterling are you alright?! No Mother, I'm a captive of pirates! Oh, and Riley said he no longer finds you attractive 'cause you're too old! He what?! What?! You little Sunamabeetch! Grrk! Was that a gunshot?! - Yep, they got ol' Ray this time - Raayyy! And now I keel you! Rrrgh! Right in my same ear! Ha! Good, serves you right! - Malory, I never said - You're no spring chicken yourself, you know! Rrrnh! Lanaahh! Is Lana hit?! Someone talk to me! Mother, I'm a little busy right now. Noah! What?! Spoon him! You mean spoon him as in like oh! Today please! I am incredibly sorry. Grrk! Rip?! Rip I take it all back, you're as strong and sexy as the night we - - For shit's sake, Mother! How short is the list of guys you haven't screwed?! Oh, how dare you? You can forget about that ransom! For once you're on your own! - For once? Oh my God, Columbia Hou -- All I wanted! Was to mourn! The murder of my crazy-hot Russian fiancÃ©e by becoming a pirate king! But I guess that was too much to ask! So Mother can keep her stupid ransom, because I don't need her! What I do need, is some frickin crab shampoo! Noah! Wounded! - No, I'm -- well, maybe some psychic scarring, but physically I'm -- - Tend! To the wounded! Oh, right. Not him! Start with Lana! I'm fine! Check on Ray! Yeah, he is not looking good. Although, neither is Riley and neither is your situation! Because you can forget ransom! Now you and your friends will die here! Yeah, speaking of forgetting, couple things. One, these aren't my friends. - Got that right - I mean her, yes, kinda, maybe, - but there's a lotta weird sexual tension - Ha! But these other three, whatever, who cares, I mean Noah's a slave. - Yeah, about that-- - Noah not now! And two - Aha, but I shoot gun many times! And in all the excitement I lose track myself! So now you thinking, did he fire eight shots or only - Four. Idiot. So get your things, we're leaving. Hey, can I run up to my hovel and grab the only extant copy of my dissertation? Noah? Still got four bullets. Do you know what "extant" means? You know what "license to kill" means? I'll just um write another one. The world holds its breath. Ray?! Ray, c'mon honey, stay with me! Ray. Ray! Ray!! - Not sure that's helping! - Yeah neither are you! Lana, I only have two hands. What I don't have, is all day! There, I finished! Jeez damn! How ya doin, Riley? How the hell do you think I'm doing?! Hey relax, Nick Furious! Save your strength for flying the chopper. And again, I am just incredibly sorry. What's your blood type? How would I know? - Wh-? How would you not?! Who am I, Karl Landsteiner? Discoverer of blood groups? You don't know your own blood type, but you know who discovered them. Yeah, now Your exact words, Pam! "Dr. Charles Drew, or I will eat a bag of dicks!" Bring 'em. And not to diminish the accomplishments of Dr. Charles Drew, but God damn it Archer! Ray needs O positive blood, or he is gonna die! So give him some of yours! - I'm A-negative! Hey, me too! - And even if Riley's O-positive - No, I'm A-negative too. He's already a quart low. - Sooo - Oh. Positive? Yeah. One of these days, I swear to God, I am going to burn this place straight down to the ground. Oh my God yes, hey, what about this Sunday?! Unless you want people in here, in which case weeohh my God! Waagh! Five oh, five oh! Cyril! Never mind moving that money. What money, oh! Really? You sure? - Because all I need to do is just - Re-evaluate your entire life, and yes, I'm sure. Sterling can get himself out of this jam. For once. Oh and don't be here on Sunday. Pam. Why just me, what's happenin' Sunday? Probably my grisly murder, since we still haven't found that password! Ya try "guest"? - No Pam, I didn't, because I'm not an -- - Oh, eat a dick. Bring it. How much of my blood does he need?! I dunno, ten gills. - Wh-?! U. S. or imperial?! - Just keep sqinueezing that gag-ball. That I don't wanna know why you have. No, you do not. You will never make it to helicopter! My men will cut you down like dogs! Thanks, human shield. Although Where the hell are all your men? Wh-? Are you serious? They're all at the intramural lacrosse finals. The what?! Oww! Lana shut up. That's today?! It's right now. Well, in ten minutes. - Who's playing?! - Archer. - Uh, the Lax-mi Singhers - They made the finals?! Versus the Archers of Loafcrosse. - Wh-?! That's my team! Archer. Lana, I'm team captain! I built that team from nothing, and now -- - Archer! Ray is dying. Does that mean so must my dream?! Look, I think it's great that for once you're getting out of a jam without your mother's help, but -- - Not for once! Hello? Columbia House? But remember earlier, when you said that you and I were friends? I, of course. I mean I know we fight a lot, but God, now that I think about it, you're my only friend. Wow. Right? - Yes, Archer, because if you do this - Please don't make me choose. I will never, ever forgive you, and we will never, ever be friends again. Woooo! Birds-eye view of lacrosse! Lana, Lana, we got the face-off! - Hooray! - Now can we please get out of here?! Because we are totally vulnerable! I know, look at our defenders! He's not talking about the defenders. The crease, idiots! Guard the crease! And what are my middies doing? Middies! C'mon, get in position! Oh shit, they are! - No look, they're all bunched -- oh. Iiiiincomiiiiiing! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! - Hooray! - Wait wait wait, Lana -- Get some! Get some! You sons of bitches! Suck it! Nooooooo! Hang on! Lanaaaaa! Archerrrrr! What, Lana! I Nothing, I got you. You got me! Well that's just super! What the hell is your problem?! My problem! Is you just Bonnie and Clyded my starting middies! - Wh-? - They were Red-shirt freshmen, Lana! Who I was grooming! But now I guess the Archers of Loafcrosse can forget about the South Pacific lacrosse championships! Yeah that's not a thing. If and when that becomes a thing! Here's a thing. Your mother doesn't know you ran away to be a pirate, so - No! - Lana, seriously, she - Would literally kill you. Well, figurative yeah, literally. So now, for the rest of your idiot life, I'm got that on you. Wow. Right? Oh my God! Just screw already! Seriously. Then kill each other. Then shut up. And then kill each other again. And call me, so I can watch you do it. Sterling, I don't know how you did it, but, well, except for Rip's eye you got everyone home in one piece. No thanks to you. Well, it's about time to did something on your own. Oh for Columbia House! Record Club! Archer! The important thing is we're home. And that we spare Malory the details of your time on pirate island. Why, what happened? Nothing! Well, you know, besides a lot of um, pretty horrific torture. Which mother, if you had seen would have broken your heart. But why dwell on that? We're home! - And my mourning period, for um - Katya. Is over, so hey! It's a happy ending! Yeah, it's just a big ol' goddamn fairy tale. Fairy tale. Uh, phrasing? Ray, I'm kidding! Don't be like that! Oh, gross keep it moving, cripple! Shut up. Ray? Ray. Ray! Oh, okay! Then I guess just pout!