Fry Am the Egg Man


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 * [Opening Credits. Caption: THE ONE BRIGHT SPOT IN YOUR LIFE!]
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Fry: Run, Leela! They're bouncing right at us!
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Bender: So... Anybody hungry? Fry: I could stuff myself. Leela: I'll use that free app that tells you what restaurants you're near. Fry: You mean the window? Leela: Yes.
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Lrrr: [angry] I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8! I demand extra dipping sauce! Teenaged Alien: How many? Lrrr: [shy] Uh... Two.
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Fishy Joe: Welcome to Fishy Joe's. Today is Stroganoff Thursday. We are currently out of the following menu items. Female voice: Stroganoff. Teenaged Alien: May I take your order? Fry: I'll have the Stroganoff. Teenaged Alien: Okay. Bender: Yeah, uh, gimme the fried spaghetti dinner breakfast pocket for lunch an', uh, a big bucket o' mixed sodas. Teenaged Alien: One kids meal. Got it.
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Leela: [off camera] Huh. Buggalo tots?
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Leela: What exactly are those made of? Teenaged Alien: You got a warrant? Leela: I'll just have something from the lite menu. How about the gardener lover's salad? Teenaged Alien: What kinda cheese fillin' you want in that? Leela: Ugh! Just gimme the fruit cup! Teenaged Alien: Okey-doke. What kinda cheese fillin' you want in that?
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Leela: Oh, God! Fruit is spelled F-R-O-O-T. And it's got quotation marks around it. Fry: Mmm. There's nothin' wrong with a little fast food once or twice a meal. Heart... Attack! I'm fine. Leela: Oh! I got a bone in my fruit! That's it. From now on, we're not eating anything unless we know what it is an' where it's from. We're going to the local farmers market. Bender: Aw, mom! Do we hafta?!
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Leela: This is what I'm talkin' about! See all the dirt an' earwigs? That's the sign of healthy food. Hydroponic farmer: You think that's healthy? Try this. I found it growin' at the bottom of my hamper. Leela: Mmm! So fresh an' musty! Bulb: It's what I do.
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Thog: Hello, tiny man. You want sample small-batch Amazonian maple syrup? Fry: Sure. That's the kinda sap I like. Thog: You the kind of sap I like. Fry: I'm scaroused!
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Bender: Zuban tobacco?! The richest, most obnoxious kind! Listen, pal. I'm lookin' for a versatile smoke. One that's equally good in a crowded elevator or an audience with the Pope. Moustached Alien: Forget the Pope, my friend. Smoke one of these and God himself will ask to be seated far away from you. Bender: Ooh!
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Leela: Heirloom eggs?! That's so life-affirming! I'll bet you run your own hatchery. Just you and your wife... Matilda. Brown-haired man: No, ma'am. Matilda an' I gather them eggs in the forest. And Matilda's really more of a mongoose than a wife. Leela: You're a lucky man. But are they way more expensive than regular eggs? Brown-haired Man: Way more. Leela: Ooh! I'll take a dozen.
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Professor Farnsworth: Wha?! You're not my breakfast friends! What are you doing here?! Amy: Leela blackmailed us all into eating healthy, organic food. Professor Farnsworth: Blackmail? What does she have on you? Hermes: As long as we eat 'er filthy scrambled eggs, you'll never find out. Leela: They're not filthy! They're wholesome, fertile, and fresh from the forest floor. There's some filth. Fry: FERTILE? What does that mean? Zoidberg: It means it'll hatch into a tiny, little infant creature. Unless we cook it first. Hey, Leela! Hurry up with those scrambled infants! Fry: What?! That's horrifying! Zoidberg, you're an in-Human monster. Zoidberg: What are you? My driver's license? Fry: Eating a sweet, innocent chick before it's even hatched?! Oh-ho-ho-ho, no, you won'tn't! I refuse to eat an unborn animal! I'm gonna keep this egg safe and warm and secure. Until it hatches out into the world. And then I'm gonna eat it!
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Leela: Should we turn on the TV? Hermes: Nah. Fry: Bender, d'you mind? I'm roosting. Bender: I'm considerin' buyin' a yacht to house my Thoroughbreds. How d'you expect me to do that without smokin' a cigar? Fry: Think of the unborn embryo! Bender: That's what I'm gonna call the yacht. Stop pickin' me! Whoa! Fry: Hey! Leggo my egg-o, crab-o! Hermes: Stop it, Fry! That's sexual harassment! Zoidberg: Yeah, come down off your round, white pulpit! You're just gonna eat that thing, anyway! Fry: I was, but you can't sit on something for a week without falling in love with it. Whoever's in here deserves a chance at life. A chance to blossom into a beautiful young man. Like I did as a baby. And so I make this solemn vow... To do everything I can to make sure this wonderful, innocent creature enters this world happy, healthy, an'&mdash; All yours, Zoidberg. Bender: Aw! Look at the cute, little&mdash; I was gonna go yachting in those feet!
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Leela: Relax, you babies. It's no different from stomping a puppy. Fry: Everyone stop! He's not gonna hurt you. Bender: I'm standin' in a pool of my own feet! Hermes: Bender's right! Kill it before someone names it! Fry: No! Mr. Peppy just wants to be our friend. Hermes: Oy! Fry: Look: I know 'e's ugly and kinda corrosive, but we can't murder someone just 'cause he's hideous an' annoying. Amy: That's what we said about Zoidberg and look what that got us. Zoidberg: Amy has a point. Fry: Mr. Peppy's not like Zoidberg. He's my friend. Zoidberg: Aw!
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Calculon: Where to... Adulterers? Monique: Calculon?! Then it wasn't your body they found in the harbor after the bomb went off. Calculon: What bomb?
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Bender: It takes more than that to surprise me, Bender. ''[Mr. Peppy, who has gotten bigger, suddenly appears. Bender screams, scared.]'' What you doin', little buddy? Uh, yeah... Uncle Bender... He's your friend. ''[Mr. Peppy stands up, which scares Bender even more. Bender screams effeminately as Mr. Peppy faces him with an angry look. Mr. Peppy then vomits a tennis ball on the couch.]'' Huh? Oh, you wanna play fetch! [Bender grabs the ball and Mr. Peppy begins panting and wagging his tail.] Come on, boy! Get the ball. [Bender pretends to throw the ball, making a barking Mr. Peppy run, only to find nothing, and laughs.] Dumb jerk. Come on! Get the ball.
 * [Bender holds up the ball. Mr. Peppy jumps at it, ripping off Bender's arm. Bender screams.]

Hermes: Sweet freak of Mozambique! That thing's colossal! It's gonna kill us all! Amy: It's so huge! How big does one o' those things get?! Fry: Well, that depends on what one o' those things is. That seems like a fact worth knowing. Professor Farnsworth: Good, startling news, everyone!
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Professor Farnsworth: I found a description of the creature in this medieval monster manual. Just as I feared. Attack type J. Amy: No! [extendedly] No! Professor Farnsworth: [extendedly] Yes! [back to normal] It kills its prey by sucking out the skeleton, leaving nothing but a puddle of flesh. Amy: Ew! Leela: Ugh! Bender: Ew! Professor Farnsworth: Hence the Latin name bonus vampirus. Or, as you non-Catholics would say, the bone vampire! Zoidberg: Dios mío. Fry: That's ridiculous. Mr. Peppy doesn't eat bones. I raised 'im on a simple diet o' Brussels sprouts an' mixed soda. Hermes: At least there's only one of 'em. The good news is they can't start breedin'. Professor Farnsworth: The bad news, everyone, is the beast reproduces asexually. A single bone vampire, left alone with some quiet music and some bone-vampire porn, could produce dozens of deadly offspring. Zoidberg: That lucky bastard. I say kill it! Fry: But it loves me! And I love it. Zoidberg: Kill 'em both! Leela: Killing them seems like a hassle. Can't we just set it free to live with its own kind? Professor Farnsworth: Poor, ignorant Leela. The bone vampire is now extinct on its home planet. Leela: That's perfect! We can reintroduce it to the wild and repopulate the species! Fry: Yeah! Let's do those Leela things.
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Fry: Well, buddy, how d'ya like your new home? See? He's happy already. Hermes: That thing doesn't have emotions, Fry. Its brain is the size of a walnut. Fry: So are walnuts and they're delicious. I'll miss you, Mr. Peppy. But you'll be happier here. So... Go on. Go. Goodbye, Mr. Peppy. Come on, man. Don't do this. Go on now. I mean it. Don't make this any harder than it has to be. It's time to let go! Ow! Thanks, Leela. He just needed a little extra push. Leela: Come on, Fry. Let's go home an'&mdash; Bender: Hold up! There's alcohol around here somewhere. My Tanqueray-dar is goin' crazy. Aha-ha! Thought you could get away from me, huh? You lose again, you stupid intoxicant!
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Zoidberg: We're not from around here. Hello! Man #1: [says something in Gaelic] Hermes: Excuse me, but we're guests on your planet. Speak English! Man #2: Behave yourselves, gents. Off-worlders best be welcome here. Especially if we're trying to get the Olympics. May I buy you a drink? We don't get a lot of pretty faces around here. Leela: Uh... Sure. But I'm driving. I'll just have the smallest whisky you've got. Man #2: A small aquarium o' whisky for the busty lass! Leela: Thanks. I suppose I should know your name if I'm gonna be drinking ten gallons of alcohol with you. Man #2: McZongo. Angus McZongo. Major Angus McZongo. Handsome Major Angus McZongo. Esquire. Leela: Ooh! Handsome and esquire. I'm Turanga Leela. My crew an' I are from Earth. Angus McZongo: So what brings you folks here to Doohan 6? Amy: We just released an endangered animal back into the wild. A bone vampire! Hermes: No need to thank us. Your shocked stares of gratitude say it all. Angus McZongo: Dear God. You brought back the bone vampire?! The damn things wreaked bloody havoc on our livestock for centuries! Woman: Aye! Until McZongo 'ere shot 'em all into extinction, 'e did. Man #3: Now we've got more livestock than we can slaughter. Oh, aye. 'Tis a Bonnie time to be an ignorant villager. Man #4: We kinna have no murderin' bone vampires back 'ere! Man #3: Kill it afore it puts a bun in its own oven and repopulates the bleedin' planet! Fry: No! Angus McZongo: Angus is right. Hermes: I thought you were named Angus. Man #1: We're all named Angus! Fry: Please! Mr. Peppy won't attack your livestock. He's a vegetarian and 'e's not even preachy about it! Angus McZongo: Poppycock. Once he gets the smell o' bones, there'll be no stoppin' 'im. Tonight, Mr. Peppy must die.
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Leela: Angus, wait. My strictly platonic friend is right. At least wait a few days before you decide to kill it. Angus McZongo: The last time I hesitated, a bone vampire snicked out me left shin. Leela: Please! Just a few days. Angus McZongo: Well, 'twould give us a chance to get to know each other. The beast lives! For now. Leela: Thank you, Angus. Men: [in unison] You're welcome!
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Fry: I don't trust that McZongo. Maybe I should go keep an eye on Mr. Peppy. Leela: Don't worry about McZongo. He an' I are having brunch tomorrow. I'm thinking of wearing this. Fry: It's nice! But there's still somethin' I don't like about that guy. My dad always said you could tell a lot about a man by the rigidity of 'is shins. Zoidberg: What is?!
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Man #1: UNKNOWN, Gryffindor, Slytherin an' Hufflepuff! It killed Little Angus! Professor Farnsworth: They're all dead! And their bones are gone! This was no accident. Angus McZongo: Still think your Mr. Peppy is harmless, Fry? Fry: He wouldn't do this in our sleep. He would not, could not to a sheep. Angus McZongo: The deal is off! The beast must die! Bender: Ooh! Pimpy!
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Fry: What are we supposed to do? Just sit here and wait for Mr. Peppy to be killed? Bender: Sounds like a plan! Guess I'll pass the time by lightin' up an El Jerko! Leela: Okay! That's it! I need some air.
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Leela: Who's there? Hermes, is this one o' your zany practical jokes?
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Fry: Leela, are you okay? Did you drink too many aquaria? Hermes: Look! The bone vampire! Leela: Mr. Peppy attacked me. Quick! Count my bones. There should be two-hundred-and-five!
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Leela: Okay. That's better. Keep 'em comin'! Professor Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but no vegetarian could've done this. Fry: I know. An', as much as I love Mr. Peppy, I love Leela more. He has to be... Put down. Amy: Aw, don't feel bad. Major McZongo's an experienced hunter. He'll blow Mr. Peppy's head off as painlessly as possible. Fry: No! Not McZongo! If anyone's gonna kill Mr. Peppy, it should be me. Zoidberg: Fry, I know you're upset right now, but I hope you'll consider donating the body to science dinner.
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Fry: Here, Mr. Peppy. Mmm. Lovely bones. Hermes: We've been walkin' for hours. I hope we can find our way back. Amy: Don't worry. I left a trail of bread crumbs. Bender: An' I left a trail of cigars! Leela: You don't have to do this, Fry. Mr. Peppy just gave me a little love concussion. Fry: Thanks, Leela, but I have no choice. I can't let my monstruous deboner get anywhere near you. Hermes: There it is! Fry: Well, this is it. You guys wait here. This is gonna kill him more than it does me. Goodbye, boy. I'll think of you whenever I sit on something round. Amy: What's happening?! Did you kill it?! Mr. Peppy: The bloody idiot bloody-shot me! I'm all bloody-bloody! Bender: Wha?! Fry: Mr. Peppy?! Bullets make you talk?! Bender: That's not Mr. Peppy! Amy: Jinkies! He Scooby-Doo-ed us! Leela: Why, Major McZongo? Why? Angus McZongo: Oh, it's been thirty years since last I killed a bone vampire. The villagers dinna idolise me like they used to. Amy: You seem pretty popular at the pub. Angus McZongo: I work there as a greeter! Your beast was my chance to be a hero again. But the damn thing was a vegetarian! So I slaughtered the sheep meself. Leela: But why did you attack me? Angus McZongo: So I could impress you by seeking revenge on the creature. Us greeters don't get a lot of action. On paper, it seemed like a win-win situation. Professor Farnsworth: Do you realise what this means, Fry?! Your pet's not dangerous after all! Fry: I told ya! Mr. Peppy's a lover, not a fighter. Like Dwayne "The Rock" "The Tooth Fairy" Johnson. Zoidberg: UNKNOWN! Hey. What's that bone-sucking sound? Fry: It's Mr. Peppy! I'd know 'im anywhere. Leela: Huh. So, apparently, Major McZongo and Mr. Peppy were each doing about half the sheep killing. Fry: Why, Mr. Peppy? Why? Ooh. That tickles. Now I really do have to kill you. Man #3: Wait! Don't shoot. The beast is a godsend. Like I said, we've more livestock than we can slaughter. But, thanks to this ravenous bogle, that's nae more a problem. Man #5: Angus is right. The cursed thing even debones 'em. Which is perfect for today's fast-paced, lazy consumer. Man #1: Dersu Uzala, Yojimbo, Rashomon! The beast must live! Leela: You know what the best part is? From now on, whenever we're eating fresh, organic space meat, we'll know exactly where it comes from.
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Fry: One bucket o' double-friend, triple-salted, boneless sheep tots, please. Teenaged Alien: What kinda cheese fillin' you want in that?
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Fry: All kinds. Leela: Eh... Make it two.
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Leela: [over credits] An' a small whisky. Large.