Brain Noir

Brain: ( voice-over) You may be wondering what a smart mouse like me is doing floating face down in a large body of water. Well, you could say it's all a result of the misguided attentions I paid to a certain member of the fairer sex.

Pinky: (voice-over) Poit! You mean you're in the soup on account of a dame?

Brain: ( voice-over) Yes, Pinky, to use the vernacular. I suppose I should start at the beginning. The night began like any other. I'd hatched a scheme that was sure to take us straight to the top. (to Pinky) Pinky, the key to global conquest sits right on the top of your head.

Petroleum jelly? A little dab'll do ya! Zort!

No, Pinky.

Neek!

Your hat.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Behold the instrument of our conquest.

Egad! An amusement park for fleas.

No. It's the miniature prototype For my greatest stroke of genius, pinky. The Fedor-A-Matic. Observe. We shall divert the flow Of the los angeles municipal water supply To a gigantic version of this mock-up.

Ooh, a water park! Will it have slippery slides and bumper boats? Will it, Brain? Huh? Huh?

Look closer and see, Pinky.

Eek! Zort! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Yes, the Fedor-A-Matic works like a dream!

I'll say. Poit! I feel all tingly in a good way. Oh!

You would. But the more likely reaction will be panic and utter chaos. With the populace trapped in their hats, we shall seize Los Angeles and then, Pomona!

Pomo--Egad! Brilliant, Brain. Oh, but no, no, wait. What about people who don't wear hats?

There are no people who don't wear hats. It's 1946. Everyone wears hats all the time. Now, come, Pinky. We must travel to city hall and obtain the water rights for the Fedor-A-Matic from the council.

How, Brain? Are we going to bribe them with Captain Midnight secret decoder rings?

No, Pinky. Don't be too sure I'm as crooked as I'm supposed to be. Besides, there's no reason the city council shouldn't look with favor upon the ambitions of a young lab mouse Trying to take over the world.

Brain: (voice-over) It couldn't fail. But then, she walked back into my life. [Gasp] Billie--A comely female specimen of consummate genetic design.

Pinky: Is that like a real swell dish with more curves than Mulholland Drive, Brain?

Brain: Yes, Pinky.

Billie: [Refined, alluring voice] Hello, Egghead.

Billie, there's something different about you.

Well, I've been taking [inhales] Breath control lessons.

[Gulp] Yes, so I see. Oof!

Oh, pardon me. Zort! Ha ha! Oh, this theater's so dark, I can't seem to find my seat. Ha ha ha!

[Unrefined, squawky voice] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! What a riot! That's funny, Pink-- [Catching herself] ooh. I mean, how whimsical. [Humming]

If you've just come to laugh.

[squawky] I need help, Eggie, so I came to you. Natch.

Natch. Ha ha! Ha ha ha!

[Refined] I mean, naturally, I decided to seek your assistance.

How very flattering. Now, if you'll excuse us, Billie, we have important labors to attend to.

[Squawky] You mean, taking over the world Is more important than me?

Now, don't get all malleable on me. You always knew work came first.

Yes. That's why I left you for Snowball.

Don't say that name. You know what it does to me.

Sorry, Eggie. I forgot. But if it's any consolation, I've left Sno--Him. And now, I need your help.

Yes, well, If you're in trouble, get yourself a gumshoe.

Or at least a really sticky hat.

[Bawling]

Brain: I hated being tough on the old girl, but I was a mouse on a mission, and no one was going to get in my way.

Oh! Whaa! Oh! Whaa! Ugh! Ugh! [Coughing]

Brain: Correction. No one else was going to get in my way.

Billie: aah! Help! Help, egghead! Help! Help!

Pinky, it's billie. She really is in a pickle.

Oh. Dill or sweet?

It's all my fault. Why didn't I help her?

Well, it might have something to do With the time she ripped out your fragile heart, Then smashed it into millions of tiny little pieces.

Yes. Thank you, Pinky.

Yes, and then squished them all up And ground them into patae.

I get the picture!

Oh, and then she left you for that gerbil-y fellow called--

Snowball: Snowball.

I told you never to say that name!

I didn't say it, Brain.

Then, who did? [Gasp]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, I'm sorry, Brain. But I do so love it when you wail pathetically. And now that Billie is mine again, I suppose you'll be doing nothing but wailing.

Oh, I don't think so. Brain gets terribly seasick.

You dirty hamster! Let Billie go or I'll-- Oof!

Heads. Tough luck, Brain. Maybe you can try for 2 out of 3.

Natch.

Brain, brain, brain. You should know by now that no matter how many times we play the game, I always win. Ta ha ha ha ha! Well, I'll give my regards to Billie for you. Toodle-Oo, old chump.

G'bye, Snowball. Be sure to call again soon! Don't be shy! Drop by any ti--Aah! Oof!

To coin a phrase, ouch.

Brain: Billie needed me, So, putting my plans for world domination on hiatus, we hastened to the palatial abode of my nemesis.

Pinky: You mean we hot-footed it to the hamster's joint?

Brain: Clam up, Pinky. The hamster lived in one of those $30,000 Spanish-Style Medieval castles that everyone was so nuts about a few years back.

D-Oh! Urrgghh eeeeooohh yeowwwww! Yeowwwww! [Crash]

Now, keep your eyes peeled for clues.

Do they make a special utensil for that, Brain?

No, Pinky, but I believe they do make a mouth clamp. Why don't you use it?

Billie: Aah!

It's Billie, Pinky! We must make haste!

You mean, "get the lard out, chump"? Whaa! [Grunting]

Billie: Aah!

Brain: [gasps] I t can't be! Pinky, the hamster has purloined our designs for the Fedor-A-Matic. You know what that means?

Oooh! I'll get another tight, tingly hat?

No, Pinky.

A slightly snug sombrero?

No!

Mildly uncomfortable lederhosen? Oof! Hoo hoo ha ha! Natch!

Not only has the hamster stolen Billie, he wants to steal the world! Ooh! Ooh! [Coughing] No! [Grunting] Pinky, help! My hat is stuck.

Always the lucky one, aren't you? What happened to my hat?

[Brain struggling]

Ahh! Look, Brain! A whole gaggle of hats.

Pinky, where are you?!

Ooh. This one's rather rakish. Hoo hoo. Brain? Where are you? How do I make it tight?

Oh, the irony of it all. Hoisted by my own Fedor-A-Matic.

Brain! The world!

The world can wai--Oof!

Hoo hoo ha ha! Oh ho! There you are, Brain.

Yeeeoowww! Yeeeoowww!

Bad for glass! Bad for glass!

Oof! Oof! Unh!

Bad for Brain.

All my suffering was for naught, Pinky. We don't have a single clue to follow.

Does that mean this grocery list I found in my hat isn't a clue? Natch!

"Things to do." [Reading] "Bribe city council"?!

[Pinky humming Dragnet-type theme]

Pinky: This is the city-- Um I mean, this is the city hall! Poit!

But you can't sell off the water rights. I need water for my arugula!

And I need water for my Kombucha mushroom plantation.

I need water For my Mr. Wiggly-Woggly hosey thingy dingy dere!

Sorry, but the water rights have already been awarded. Meeting is adjourned.

Jiminy! I always wanted a Captain Midnight decoder ring! Jeepers! I'll say! This is swell!

Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

I think so, brain, but if we get Sam spayed, we'll never have any puppies.

No, Pinky. Someone has already bribed the council for the water rights.

You mean-

Don't say it, Pinky.

Wee Willie Winkie?

No, Pinky.

Snowball: Snowball.

Aaaahhhh!

Too late again, Brain.

Pppbbbbllttt! After him, pinky!

I need water for my elephants!

Ow! Oh! Ah! Oh! Ow! Oh! Ah! Oh!

We're in luck! Taxi! Tax--Eeegh!

Follow that car!

Ooh, yes! This is a pain that is most promising.

Egad! It's astounding, Brain.

That I am pliant enough to survive such calamity?

Nooo! That you actually found a cab in L.A. Natch!

Brain: We got to the reservoir without a moment to lose.

Pinky: And there were and I said, "My, Grandma. What big, swollen ankles you have."

Brain: stow it, Pinky. [Grunts] Come on, Pinky. It's not as hard as it looks. Argh! You just get a little-- [Ripping] Yaah! Scraped up, that's-- [Ripping] Aah! Aww--[Ripping] Aah! Pinky! Pinky, hurry up!

Right here, Brain. Natch!

Oh, well, sure! You can take the easy way!

Goon #1: (in a Polish accent) Hold it right there, mousey mouse. You're a very nosy fella, mousey mouse. You know what happens to nosy fellas, hmm? Huh? Do you? Hmm? Hmm?

Uh-

This!

Ow! Yaaaahhhh, oof! [Gulp]

Gee, I never think to carry an umbrella in Los Angeles. Gaaah! No! Bbbbblllbbll! [Coughing]

Egad! I'll save you, Brain! Um, um, Brain, before I save you, do you think you could teach me to swim?

With all that air in your head, it's a wonder you don't float.

Yeeeooowww! Yeeeooowww! Oof! Oof! Oh! Oh! Ah! Ah! Waah! Waah! Ow! Ow! Whooaahh! Whooaahh!

Whoo-Hoo! That was almost as thrilling as our swirling whirlpool of fun back in the lab, right? Ha ha!

You've been playing in the toilet again, haven't you, Pinky?

Well, if you want to get technical.

[gasp] No! It can't be! Pinky, we're too late. The Fedor-A-Matic has been built!

Ooh, joy! Tight Hat City, here we come!

[Snowball chuckles evilly] Top of the world, Brain. Care to tip your hat to my accomplishment while you still can? Ha ha ha ha ha!

After him, Pinky. He's about to engage the machine.

Poit! I didn't even know they were going steady. We really ought to bring a gift, Brain--Hwack! You know where they're registered? Congratulations, Snowball! We're so happy for you and your fiancee! A hamster engaged to a big machine? What will people say?

Brain: Stop being foolish, Pinky.

Oh, you're right, Brain. As long as they're happy. We should get them something nice. A fondue set, maybe. I mean, after all, we are getting tight hats in the bargain.

Hah! I'll stop you now. No! It can't be!

Egad, Brain! Snowball's turned into a mouse!

No, Pinky. It's Billie.

Billie's turned into a hamster? Nyeh! She's a mouse! She's a hamster! She's a mouse! She's a hamster! She's a mouse and a hamster? [Chortling]

Yes, Eggie, it is I.

But... But, why?

Snowball: Because she loves me. Yes, Brain, it was all a ruse, designed to distract you long enough for us to steal your plans and execute them.

And execute me in the process.

Don't be silly, Brain. It would take all the fun out of life. I derive my greatest pleasure from making you squirm.

I derive my greatest pleasure from making Brain squirt milk out of his nose. Natch! Ooh! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Billie: Stop that! Snowball wasn't trying to get rid of you, Egghead. I was!

What?

I'm sorry, Eggie, but as long as you're in the picture, I'll never really have the thing I want most.

The world?

No.

Me.

Guess again. [Snap]

What? Put me down, you goon.

Sorry, Snowy. I was just using you to get the water rights. Besides, you never could accept me for what I am, making me take voice lessons and all. And you, Eggie, you love the world too much to ever really care about me. Sorry, but neither of you will ever hold a candle to my one true love. [Sigh] Pinky!

Brain and Snowball: Pinky?!

Snowball: I've been played like a tuneless fiddle at a hoedown.

Brain: Care to do the Hokey-Pokey?

Pinky, I built this for you. I hope ya like it. Ta-Da!

Egad! My own Fedor-A-Matic?

No, my darling! A giant water park! With slippery slides and bumper boats!

Oooh, Brain! Can we ride the bumper boats? Can we? Can we, plee-Ee-Ee-Ease?!

You don't need Brain's permission, Pinky.

I don't?

No! Your days of being bopped on the head and kowtowing to Brain's every whim are over!

Troz, they are?

Yes! Boys?!

Brain and Snowball:  Yaaaah! Ya-Haaaah!

Goon #1: Gee, that looks like kicks, goony-Goon.

Both Goons: Whaaa-Ha ha ha! Wheeeeee!

Alone at last!

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, you're not alone, Billie. I'm here!

And now, I can give you the greatest gift of all.

A hat squished down all tingly-Wingly around my head?

No, silly! Me! Mmmmmm mmmmm wah!

Oof! Well, what do ya think? You want to take over my world, big boy?

Um, er, uh, uh, I--I--I--I--I-- I'll have to ask Brain if it's ok. Whaaa! Whaaaaah! Wheee-Hee-Hee!

[Sigh] He was some kind of a mouse.

Hey, dad, what's that?

The world's first water park. It sure looks swell.

What are we waiting for?

[Screaming and cheering]

Brain: (voice-over) Well, this is where you came in; with me in the drink like somebody's dirty laundry.

Pinky: (voice-over) Ooh! I hope they separated the undergarments. Natch!

Come, Pinky. We must towel off And prepare for tomorrow night.

Gee, Brain, what are we going to do tomorrow night, Construct a machine to make our pants really tight?

No, Pinky. The same thing we do every night: Try to take over the world!

Snowball: If I don't beat you to it.

Get your hand off of me, you damp, hairy hamster!

As you wish.

Nyaaahhh!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Aaah! Aah! Aah!

They're dinky, they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.