Throw Momma From the Terrace

Hey, why are you touching my utensils?

They only like me to touch them!

Their rules, not mine!

Bertram, we're making you breakfast because it's your birthday weekend.

Oh, thanks, but I already have a reservation at pancake palace.

All: Yay!

It's for one.

All [Disappointed]: Aw.

On that festive note... what are you all giving Bertram for his birthday?

A gently used lip balm.

Free hug.

My profound admiration.

This salt shaker.

Guys! Put in a little effort.

I got Bertram the most thoughtful gift ever.

Foot deodorant?

No, but you can get him that for my birthday.

Look, Bertram hasn't seen his mother in years.

So I asked your parents to fly Mrs. Winkle in for his party as a surprise!

Ooh, I cannot wait to meet Bertram's mother.

Yeah! She's got a lot of explaining to do.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ My whole world is changing. Turning around. ♪ ♪ They got me going crazy. Yeah, they're shaking the ground. ♪ ♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town. ♪ ♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie. ♪

Where did all these eggs come from?

[Cracking]

Just my luck. It's raining hens, not men.

Sorry, Jessie.

We're doing an egg drop competition for science class.

We must build a contraption which will protect an egg dropped from a great height.

What do you do for extra credit?

Toilet paper someone's house?

That would be more fun.

Ravi shut down my best idea.

Dropping the egg while it's still inside the chicken.

When you speak, it makes me sad.

Hey, Luke, maybe let Ravi take the lead on this.

Science is his thing.

After all, he wouldn't tell you how to dance or play sports, or be cool.

Thank you, Jessie.

Wait a moment...

Hey, I could be good at science.

I just choose to be popular.

I'm beginning to feel your sadness.

Bertram! We have a great birthday surprise for you.

You're moving back to Texas and taking the kids with you?

[Elevator bell dings]

Surprise, birthday boy!

Mom, what are you doing here?

Wondering why you're still not married.

And we're off.

Hi, Mrs. Winkle, I'm Jessie.

Hi. So nice to meet you!

You have this little angel to thank for me being here.

[Strained] Thanks, Jessie.

How is my little Ber-tootchka?

Ber-tootchka?

[All laughing]

I'm fine, Mom-moochka.

Aw.

[Laughing]

Oh, look at these sweet children.

You're like the Von Trapps, without the lederhosen.

Do they sing?

No, but they can whine in four-part harmony.

Hello, Mrs. Bertram's Mommy.

I am Ravi, and these are my siblings Emma, Luke and Zuri. Welcome to our home.

Oh, aren't you the sweetest little things?

You're nice.

Are you sure you gave birth to that?

You betcha. It was the second greatest day of my life.

It wasn't the first?

I'm sorry, Sweetie, but numero uno will always be the night that I got a standing ovation opening for Frank.

You opened for Frank Sinatra?

No, Frank Stallone.

So my birth ranks behind Rocky's brother?

Aw.

To be fair, you were a 12-pound breech.

Well, it was no picnic on my end either.

Speaking of picnics, you could skip a few.

Give the ants a chance.

Who wants candy?

Oh! Me! Me! Me!

Oh, I do!

No!

Ow!

So, Mrs. Winkle, how long has it been since you've seen Ber-tootchka?

[Both chuckling]

Too long.

I would come more often, but it's so far...

The resemblance is uncanny.

Do not worry, my spring cushioned egg container will get us a top grade.

Grade?

I thought this was for money!

If knowledge is money, then yes, we shall be rich.

You make me sick.

[Thudding]

[Whooshing]

[Gasps]

[Cracking]

[Laughs]

Suddenly, I feel better.

Okay, I need to get a pinata for Bertram's party.

Do you think he'd like to whack a burro?

Because I checked, and they don't have anything that looks like Luke.

You know they sell candy in stores.

You don't have to beat it out of an animal.

I think Bertram would rather smack the Scooter Bars out of his Mom.

He obviously can't stand her!

Maybe he was just moody this morning.

He's way beyond moody.

At lunch, he gave our mini-pizzas pepperoni frowns!

It was like eating cheesy, thin crusted rage.

Okay, maybe things are a little tense but, Bertram's mother is my present to him.

And I'm going to make him like it if it's the last thing I do!

That's what you said about those three-fingered gloves you knitted us.

BTW, we're not cartoon characters.

I ran out of wool!

Look, the point is, I'm sure I can smooth things over.

Wanda seems like a perfectly lovely lady.

I just had a brainstorm on the toilet!

I hope she didn't use my bathroom.

I think what Bertie's party needs is a big dance number!

Like a real show stopper!

That's a great idea!

You know, I don't want to brag, but I was on drill team in high school.

Oh, well, I do want to brag.

I was a Rockette in New York City.

That's a drill team for dancers who are good.

I was good.

Actually, a dance number might cheer Bertram up.

Yeah, have you noticed he seems a little grumpy?

When he was a kid and he was crabby, it meant he had an extra painful pimple on his tushy.

I'm not checking for that.

Bertram, do you have a big pimple on your tushy?

What? No!

So it must be a problem with his Mom.

But what could it be? She's warm, and funny, and upbeat...

Frankly, it's hard to believe you share the same DNA.

Oh, we do. I paid for the test myself when I was 12.

Did you two not notice her insulting me?

Plus, she always needs to be the center of attention.

What's wrong with that?

Everything. My whole life, it's always been about her.

It can't be that bad.

Not that bad?

At my elementary school graduation, she gave the Valedictorian speech on my behalf.

Aw, were you too nervous?

No, she just beat me to the podium!

Okay...

But you're both here now, thanks to my lovely birthday gesture, you're welcome.

So why don't you just talk to her?

I've been trying ever since I learned to talk, but she never listens!

You try being Wanda Winkle's son!

You know what? I will. Let's role-play.

I'll be you, and you be your Mom.

And I'll be Emma.

Good choice.

Okay. Here we go.

[As bertram] Mom I love you, but sometimes I think you can be a bit critical.

[As wanda] I am not, you loser!

I gave up a fabulous career on the stage for you.

But I still have dancers' legs.

[Chuckles] Remember when I used to stand outside in your kiddie pool and make you shave them?

Jessie, I'm scared.

Run. Save yourself.

And since you were born, I've had to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes!

Time's up!

What are you guys talking about?

Actually, you.

My favorite topic.

Bertram has something he'd like to say to you.

Okay, Mom...

The truth is...

When I'm around you, sometimes it's a little frustrating.

Because...

I know.

Because you wanted to be a dancer, like me, but you just didn't have the gams for it.

You have chicken legs like your father.

See?

I, on the other hand, have calves like rocks.

Come over here, feel.

Come on.

Okay, I promise this one will work.

Three... two...

Welcome to Fail City. Population Ravi.

Why will nothing work?

[Sobbing loudly]

Luke! Did you chase Ravi up onto the island again?

You know he can't get down by himself.

I didn't do anything!

Ravi's just frustrated because his stupid scientific ideas aren't working.

Well, maybe you should let Luke take the lead on this project.

You need an outside of the box thinker.

And Luke is so outside, he doesn't know where the box is.

Well, thank you.

But science is my thing.

Well, socks with sandals can still be your thing.

I do make it work.

Kick, ball change. Kick, ball change. Eye-high kick!

Ow! Did you say eye high or thigh-high?

That's what happens when you don't space yourself properly.

Jessie, you really should've been here when we started rehearsing.

Look, I'm sorry I showed up late but, I was at the party supply store returning everything I bought because someone didn't like it.

Oh. Who was that? Because I thought they were lousy, too.

I was talking about y...

Never mind, apology accepted.

Now, let's take it from the top!

This time, with some pizazz!

[Grunts]

[Screaming]

You see, there's that poor spacing again.

Did anyone on your drill team survive?

Girls, be nice.

Jessie can't help it if she has the grace of a manatee with vertigo.

Thank you?

You know, Jessie, it's not fair of us to ask you to do the dance, and set up all the decorations, so...

So... you want me out of the dance number?

If you insist.

Oh! Oh, right, because you wouldn't want too many people in a Rockettes routine!

All the great kick lines were three girls or less.

I knew you'd come around. [Chuckles]

Now, could you go around over there, please, because you're in my kick-zone!

[Jazzy music playing]

And, five, six, seven, eight!

Fine, I'll go. But I want you to know, you've really hurt me in here.

And now... up here.

Bertram, why are you dressed like a waiter at El Taco Grande?

I'm going to Cabo!

Tell my Mom I'll send her a chimichanga.

Bertram, I see Wanda isn't the easiest person to be around but, she's still your Mom, and you can't run away from your problems.

Maybe not in these sandals, but I got a change of shoes in my bag.

Look, I know what it's like to have problems with a parent.

My dad was really tough.

In fact, we didn't really bond until I overcame that last hurdle.

And what was that?

The last hurdle. Of the obstacle course.

When I finally cleared it, he stopped wishing I was a boy.

I'm glad to hear it. Meanwhile, I'm in boarding group A, so, uh...

Bertram, I know it's my fault that your Mom is here, but you might as well take advantage of it.

You know, you're right. It is your fault.

Okay, we've assigned blame, let's move on.

My point is, your Mom is not going to be around forever, so you should tell her how you feel!

And who's going to tape her mouth shut so I can do that?

I'm not going to let you go.

Oh, yeah? How are you gonna stop me?

Is that your passport?

Wha... no! No! Oh!

[Sobbing]

[Muffled] You'll thank me later.

I am ashamed I failed at accomplishing this scientific task.

Now I know how you feel when you walk out of every audition.

Well, I was going to try and make you feel better but, now I'm going to go buy a bag of nuts.

I'm so sorry, Jessie.

I am just upset because Luke has completely cut me out of our project.

Good luck, Luke! Break an egg! [Chuckles]

Uh, Jessie, the entire point of the project is not to break...

It was a joke!

Not if you have to explain it.

Is it a viscous disaster?

[Applause]

Ba-boosh!

It actually worked! Luke succeeded in science.

It is snowing in Hades.

I told you I had mad scientific skills!

I got us an A!

Congratulations, brother.

When you win the Nobel Prize, will you at least invite me to the after-party?

Only if I get a plus one, and you're the last person on Earth.

Thank you, brother!

[Grunts]

Okay, Luke, I'm no Einstein, but I'm pretty sure this is a hard-boiled egg.

Hey, the project was to drop an egg without breaking it.

And that's what I did.

So you cheated?

No, I thought outside the box.

Jessie, do you know what this means?

Yes. Luke is going to confess.

Which, I'm afraid, means you're probably both gonna get an F.

Who gives two soggy samosas?

This means I am still better than Luke in science!

Oh, I am happier than an ion sharing its valence electron!

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I know!

[Screaming gleefully]

Thank you.

Jessie, why did you hire so many waiters?

Oh, I didn't. They're Bertram's Butler buddies.

I wish they would eat the food instead of just offering it to each other.

Thanks for the great party, Jessie.

Now, if my mother doesn't show up to embarrass me, it'll be perfect.

Bertram, give her a chance.

Maybe she'll surprise you.

After all, she's older now, and wiser...

[Elevator bell dings]

Happy Birthday, Ber-tootchka!

And she's jumping out of a cake.

Kill me now.

[Big band music playing]

Hey, aren't you guys supposed to be dancing, too?

Wanda said we weren't good enough, so she kicked us out of the act.

Literally kicked us!

Those ex-Rockettes don't mess around.

I've never been so sad in a sparkly tutu.

Okay, that's it!

Nobody kicks my kids out of a gaudy, over the top dance routine!

[Music stops]

Hold it right there, and on behalf of that boa, ewe!

I'm dancing here!

So? Zuri and Emma were supposed to be dancing, too!

They worked really hard at this, and they were looking forward to it.

Well, it's not my fault they can't hack it.

Okay, that is it!

Mom, I'm going to talk, and for once you are going to listen!

Okay, gladly, but right after my big dance number.

No! I am tired of you taking over my birthdays and ruining them!

I don't do that!

Oh, really?

On my sixth birthday, you canceled the clown and insisted on doing your stand-up act.

What's wrong with that?

A, prop comedy is not funny.

And B, you charged everyone a two juice box minimum!

That's how they get you.

On my 10th birthday, you canceled the magician, and insisted on sawing me in half yourself.

I still have the scar!

And we never did find Timmy Schwartz after he stepped into the Box of Mystery!

He'll turn up.

It was 40 years ago!

Well, get over it already!

I'm sure Timmy has... wherever he is!

I can't get over it, because you keep doing it!

And I let you, but I draw the line when you start hurting the people I love!

What am I, chopped liver?

Just stop shouting at me!

This is why you're all alone! [All gasp]

Bertram's not alone! He has us!

Yeah! Even when he wants to be alone, we won't let him!

Because he's our best friend!

What other Butler would have a tea party with me?

Or play paintball with me in the park?

Or listen to my endless, boring, boyfriend stories?

Or, as I consider them, cautionary tales.

Or not get mad when I use him as a human science experiment?

Thanks, guys.

Ber-tootchka, why didn't you just tell me you felt this way?

Well, he tried, but you started talking about your gams!

Because they're fantastic!

Who wants to feel?

Come on, kids, line up.

I'm scared again.

Wanda! Focus!

Go ahead, Bertram.

Mom, I love you, but it can't always be about you!

Once in a while, you have to give someone else the spotlight.

Yeah, I never got my pizazz on.

I'm so sorry. I feel just terrible.

And I mean like Jessie's dancing terrible.

Okay, I was the Captain of that drill team!

Jessie, this is not about you.

Look, Ber-tootchka, I realize now that I made a lot of mistakes.

But I must've done something right, because obviously these kids really love you.

We do.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Indeed.

Love is a strong word.

And who loves you the most?

Me, and I always will.

Oh, Mom-moochka!

Oh, Ber-tootchka.

Oh, this is the longest hug we've ever had.

I'm licking icing off your shoulder.

Whatever works.

Okay, Ber-tootchka! Are you ready for a big dance number?

I guess so. Why aren't you in it?

Oh, because a little Bertie told me that not everything has to be about me.

Good for you, Mom-moochka.

Although I did do the choreography, and the costumes, and the make-up, and...

Hit it, Mrs. Kipling!

[Growling]

[Upbeat jazz music playing]

Happy Birthday, Bertram!

You'd better be enjoying this, because I think I just pulled my hammy.

We hope you like this weird American dance old people seem to enjoy.

Ravi, it's rude to call old people old.

I prefer country line dancing.

Where's Rascal Flatts when you need them?

Oh guys, this is the best birthday ever.

But did anybody buy me an actual present?

Happy Birthday Ber-tootchka.