The Courtship of Stewie's Father

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's a family guy ♪ I am so bored. Hey, dog, when you take a break from re-applying your lipstick, how about taking me to the park? My lipstick? What? (CHUCKLING) Oh. Oh, right, right. Right, because of my ***. Yeah, that's--that's-- that's fantastic. Lois, Brian won't take me to the park. Then he talked about his ding-***. Lois. Lois! Damn it, woman! Pay attention to me! Ow! Stewie, that's not nice. Don't grab Mommy's pants like that. You could really hurt her. Yes. Yes, I could, couldn't I? I could hurt Mommy. Shame on us, Rupert. How dare we succumb to boredom while that wretched woman continues to breathe? She must be destroyed. With Lois out of the way, I could finally focus on my life's ambition of taking pictures of Madison County. (SIGHS) Let's go back and take a bath. Yeah. How about you go back and take a bath? Griffin, have you filed those shipping reports yet? Angela, Angela, come here. Check this out. Look at what this chick is doing to this polar bear. Wait, wait... Wait, wait, wait. It's coming up. (EXCLAIMS) (CHUCKLING) There you are, Opie. Congratulations. You made Employee of the Month again. (BABBLING NONSENSE) How come I'm never Employee of the Month? Man, this is the worst job I've had since I was the conductor for the Sand People choir. And a one and a two. (ALL GIBBERING) No, no, no, no! The altos were early. This is the worst glee club I've ever... Come on. Where are you going? Relax. The Sand People frighten easily but they'll be back. And in greater numbers. Well, that'll give us a richer harmony. Oh, yeah. No, it's gonna sound fantastic. (WHIRRING) Help! Somebody! I'm blacking out. (SHOUTING) Brian, help me. (PINGING) That jerk, Opie, got Employee of the Month again. All because my boss hates me. Maybe you need to brown-nose her a little bit, Peter. Really? I thought you said she was ugly. Oh, you mean kiss up to her. That's a great idea, Joe. And if that doesn't do it, you could always just work hard and be polite. That's how I won friends when I worked for E! Seabiscuit! Seabiscuit! Would you mind talking to E!? I'm not Seabiscuit. I'm Penelope Cruz. And you're just lovely. Would you like a carrot? (MUNCHING) Good girl. Brown-nose, huh? All right. I'll do something special for her. Surprise! Griffin, what the hell are you doing at my house? Well, I asked around the office and everybody said you liked animals, so I organized a surprise cockfight. Ta-da! (GASPING) Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, God. Well, looks like they killed each other. That's probably what all that racket was about an hour ago. Um, well, I will see you Monday. (GLASS SHATTERING) Oh, crap. Well, looks like the good Lord just sent me a conversation starter. Come here, Jesse. Come get the ball. (BOTH GROANING) ♪ Down by the shores of the hanky-panky ♪ ♪ Where the bullfrogs leap from bank to banky ♪ (EXCLAIMING) (CHUCKLING) How unfortunate. Miss Hobson, Stewie's really been acting out a lot at home. And I was just wondering, how's he been behaving at school? Hmm. Mrs. Griffin, let me show you some pictures he drew in class. Notice anything unusual? I sure do. His father's not in any of them. Exactly. Well, Peter's been very preoccupied with work lately. I guess Stewie's been missing his father. Thank you for letting me know. (CROSSBOW FIRING) (GROANS) Damn! She moved. Well, I suppose it's not the first time someone's made a miscalculation. (ZOOMING) What happens to us in the future, Doc? It's your kids, Marty. Something's gotta be done about your kids. Your daughter marries a black man. That's actually not a big deal for me. Yeah, me neither. Well, it... Well, it... You... Really? Yeah. I mean, what's wrong with that? No, no, nothing, nothing. It's nothing, I guess. I think it's great. Congratulations. I don't think I'm comfortable around you anymore. Did you know peanut butter was invented by a black man? Too late, Doc. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hi, Herbert. What brings you here? It seems your son's baseball broke one of my windows the other day. Oh, my God. I am so sorry. Chris, this is gonna come out of your allowance. Oh... Perhaps we could work something out. I could use a strapping young man to do some chores around my house. That seems fair to me. Chris, you have damaged this man's property. And until you pay off the debt, you'll do whatever job he wants you to do. And at the end of the day, if you're exhausted and your face is dripping wet, well, that just means you did a good job. That sounds fine. I don't want to spend my weekend doing chores. You know, Chris, a little hard work can do wonders. Just look at how they built the pyramids. They say all peoples must go through some hard times. Well, we Jews are getting ours out of the way early. From here on out, it's gonna be nothing but smooth sailing. I have an announcement to make. Don't you do it. Don't you lose a single pound. I don't care what those Hollywood image-makers say. Big women are sexy. I wanted to tell you that Opie will not be receiving Employee of the Month, because he's being promoted. Oh, yes! That means I'm Employee of the Month. No, you're not, Griffin. I'm giving it to Soundwave. So, I can just put my stuff anywhere? My wife, Denise. We met in a Christian chat room. Peter, we need to talk about your son. The fat one or the funny-looking one? Dad called you fat. Wait. Stewie's really been acting out lately. And, I think it's 'cause he's not spending enough time with you. It's time that you take an interest in your son. Starting today, I want you to spend more time with Stewie. Okay. You can make a box fort. See? Here's a box. You can pretend it's a fort. Actually, that sounds like fun. I want this. I'm king in here. Peter, maybe Stewie would like to play fort, too. No! If you need me, I'll be in space. Great idea bringing Stewie to Fenway Park, Peter. Yeah. There's no better place for a father and son to really get to know each other than a ballgame. Where is Stewie? (PANTING) (GASPING) Is that a baby in there? Oh, my God! He's gonna miss the game. Hey, you guys. You remember those hot homeless twins who live under the overpass? Well, last night I... Wait, wait, Quagmire. Let me cover Stewie's ears. (INAUDIBLE) And this is the hand that caused all the trouble. Got your nose, little guy. (SCREAMING) Peter, did you take Stewie to a strip club? He smells like sweat and fear. Let me tell you, Tuesday afternoon is not exactly their A squad. I actually saw bullet wounds. You can't just take him places you want to go. He's a baby. Look, Lois, I think I know how to spend time with my own kid, all right? The bond between a father and son is sacred. I'm sorry, Jesus. But my house, my rules. Up yours, Joseph. You're not my real dad. (BEEPING) (RINGING) Hey, Dad, it's me. Listen, things here aren't working out anymore. And I was just... I was wondering, can I come live with you and Janet for a while? Oh, wow, kiddo. You know, I'd love that, but I don't know if now is the best time. Maybe next year, okay? I'll see you Friday night. Tell your mother I sent the check. So, where were we? Right about here. No. All I'm saying is that you just need to find an activity that you and Stewie can share. Peter, can you reach that box of rice? Oh, sorry, Lois. (LAUGHING) Oh, that rice got you, ***. Hey, Stewie's laughing. Hey, you think that's funny? Hey, you like that? Hey, Lois, you want some beans with that rice? Ow! I misjudged you, fat man. Damn it. Peter, what's wrong with you? Wait, wait, wait, Lois, Lois, don't move. Stewie's loving this. (SMASHING) See if she's got any cash on her. (CHORTLING) Okay, Stewie, get the camera ready. (SHOUTING) Peter, stop it! What the hell are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm bonding with Stewie. (BOTH LAUGHING) There is nothing more precious than a baby's laughter. (TIRES SCREECHING) (BOTH LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY) (SPLASHING) (CONTINUING TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY) Jeez, I hope she can get out. Oh, I'm sure she'll be fine. (DOORBELL RINGING) Well, hello there, young man. I was starting to think you weren't coming. Sorry I'm late, Mr. Herbert. Well, I guess I'll get started. You know, if you get sweaty and want to take your shirt off, that'd be just fine. Or tie it in a knot, your choice. We now go live to Ollie Williams in the Channel Five traffic copter. Everybody looks like ants! Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue. Hey, hey, Dad, Dad, pull my finger. Wait... Sounded like a peep toad. But it's not summer. Hey, drippy. You're back. What's for dinner? Peter, when I said bond with Stewie, this is not what I had in mind. I am furious with you! You can't talk to him like that. (GRUNTING) Take that! Stewie, you're going to your room. I think not, Dad's got my back. Stewie, she looks mad. You better go to your room. What's the matter with you, fat man? Stop her. Help me, you fool. You traitor. I trusted you but you're a wuss! Oh, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. No, I don't think I'm in the mood. Are you sure? ♪ It's peanut butter jelly time ♪ ♪ Peanut butter jelly time ♪ ♪ Peanut butter jelly time ♪ ♪ Where ya at? Where ya at? ♪ ♪ Where ya at? Where ya at? ♪ ♪ Now there you go, there you go ♪ ♪ There you go, there you go ♪ ♪ Peanut butter jelly ♪ ♪ Peanut butter jelly ♪ ♪ Peanut butter jelly ♪ ♪ Peanut butter jelly ♪ Sorry, Brian. It's just not doing it today. ♪ Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly ♪ ♪ Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat ♪ ♪ Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly ♪ ♪ Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat ♪ PETER: Hey, Stewie. You got a minute for your daddy? Get out of here, you spineless oaf! Oh, and by the way, I faked all those bowel movements. Brian, I feel awful. Stewie and I were getting along so good and now he hates me. Well, that depends. Do you really want my advice or are you just asking random questions again? What's a hypotenuse? Stewie, I know you're a little mad at me right now. But, when you see where I'm taking you, you're gonna change your mind. Yeah, right. I'm gonna change my mind. We just sat on a plane for three hours to come to Florida, God's waiting room, for who knows what... Oh, Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I want to go to Disney World! Disney World! Disney World! I'm still mad at you. Hey, check it out, Stewie. Halle Berry's Wild Ride. (ALL EXCLAIMING) ♪('80s POP MUSIC PLAYING) Wow! It looks like Michael Jackson's coming right at me. I say, we've been puttering around this fat farm for hours. I've had enough. Hey, Stewie, they got... Stewie? Oh, my God, he's gone. Has anyone seen my son? Hello? Hey, it's the crows from Dumbo. Hey, you guys seen my son? Well, I done seen about everything but I sure enough ain't seen your boy, no how! That's good old-fashioned family racism. Well, well, a lost child. Looks like we've got a new recruit. (STEWIE EXCLAIMING) I shall do no such thing. You must sing. If you don't, they'll make you do a Christmas movie with Tim Allen. ♪ It's a tiny, tiny world ♪ ♪ It's a tiny, tiny world ♪ Is Chris still doing chores for that disgusting old man? Meg, that's not nice. Old people have a lot to offer society. Just look at Kim Catrall. (MOANING) Come and get it, big boy. (METALLIC CREAKING) Oh, damn. There we go. (SMASHING) ♪(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for buying me dinner, Mr. Herbert. I wanted to thank you properly for all your hard work. Souvenir photograph? Hell, yes. ♪(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) HERBERT: ♪ He rakes and trims the grass ♪ ♪ He loves to mow and weed ♪ ♪ I cook like Betty Crocker ♪ ♪ And I look like Donna Reed ♪ ♪ There's plastic on my furniture ♪ ♪ To keep it neat and clean ♪ ♪ In the Pine-Sol scented air ♪ ♪ Somewhere that's green ♪ ♪ Between our frozen dinners ♪ ♪ And our bedtime, 9:15 ♪ ♪ We snuggle watching Lucy ♪ ♪ On a big, enormous ♪ ♪ 12-inch screen ♪ ♪ And I'm his ♪ ♪ December bride ♪ ♪ Chris Griffin, he knows best ♪ ♪ The kids play Howdy Doody ♪ ♪ As the sun sets in the west ♪ ♪ A picture out of ♪ ♪ Better Homes and Gardens ♪ ♪ magazine ♪ ♪ Someday I know ♪ ♪ We, too, will go ♪ ♪ Somewhere that's ♪ ♪ Green ♪ Are you dead? ♪ It's a tiny, tiny world ♪ ♪ It's a tiny, tiny world ♪ ♪ It's a tiny, tiny world ♪ ♪ It's a tiny, tiny world ♪ I say, fat man. Get me out of here. Oh, Stewie, there you are. Thank God. Why are you dressed like Rerun? (ALL CHEERING) You're free, children. Run back to your individual countries of origin. GUARD: Hey! Those multi-cultural slave children belong to the Disney Corporation. Get them, Achmed. Hey, look over there. There's a woman learning. Quick, in here. (RIPPING) (UNSHEATHING) (EXCLAIMING) (PANTING) Looks like we're in the clear. Michael Eisner. Cover your heart. Kali Ma! Kali Ma! Kali Ma! You betrayed the shareholders. (GROANING) (SCREAMING) You think he's dead? No, no. He'll be back on his feet in no time, probably follow in Jonathan Dolgen's footsteps, wind up with a pod deal over at Touchstone. You all right, Stewie? (SIGHING) You know what, fat man? I'm not sure how to say this without sounding cheesy, but, uh, well, you really came through for me today. So I... I... Oh, what the hell. Oh, I love you, too, buddy. Come on, Stewie. Let's go home. Hmm, Florida. Just think, somewhere in this state right now, Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy. Well, Jesse, I guess we got to find some other way to spend our evenings. MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: And now back to ESPN's exclusive coverage of the Little League World Series. Oh, jackpot!