Bart's New Friend

(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (all gasp) (yelling) (thudding and clattering) (growling) Walking down the corridor Using both my feet Wish I was in Floridor Now I will repeat Oh, I'm walking down the corridor Using both my feet. Hmm? Don Bookner. Can't believe you're retiring. Yup, it's time for the gold watch. Thank you. You're free to go. (clocks ticking) Good old Don. We sure will miss your your, um, uh What did you do again? Safety inspector, 7-G. But wait a minute. That's my job. Yes, of course it is. There are two of us, and I've been covering for you all these years. That would explain a lot. But why did you do it? I felt there was something special in you. It's like rooting for the Cubs. You keep thinking they'll make it, and then you realize they never, ever will. (whimpers) But now, you won't have me to protect you. Oh, please. All I'm asking you to do is stay 21 more year Too late. I'm gone. If I was Fred Flintstone, I'd be at the end of the dinosaur's tail. For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow (gasps) Which nobody can deny Last time I'm covering your ass, Homer. (whimpering): Oh, it's such a big ass. (tires screeching) (sighs) How was your day? Oh, stressful. You see how loose my tie is? Mah! For the first time, I actually have to do my job! Oh, sweetie. (groans) And, Marge, I got this weird new feeling in my stomach-- a little sour and a little sick. There's a Yiddish word for it-- shpilkes. They have a lot of funny words for not so funny things. (crow caws) Hey, Homer, Carl and I are gonna see if we can sneak out of the men's room without setting off the automatic toilets. Ninja-style. Look, I don't have time for childish games. If I don't do my job, atoms go boom. Simpson, I want a full plant status report at 5:00. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Can I get a 4:55 wakeup call? No! Oh. (toilet flushing) Damn it! (birds singing) I thought we weren't allowed to do homework at the table. It's called a double standard, one of the bedrocks of parenting? You've been working so hard lately. Maybe you should take a break. No. Marge, if I lose my job in this economy, it's a death sentence. Well, I guess as a fallback, I could direct films, like Angelina Jolie. How many properties do we have an option on? None. What?! When were you gonna tell me?! Uh, uh When? (keyboard keys clicking) Homie, a workaholic is probably your best aholic ever, but you need to relax, so, I got us all tickets to see the circus on Saturday. The circus? Hmm. I haven't been to the circus since I was a kid. (yelling, thudding, crowd gasping) Son, look over there. (trumpeting) Uh, I mean look over there. Ten bucks a cone?! Look back at the elephant. (laughs) Okay, Marge, we can go to the circus. And maybe I can finally find out why a man would think a stool is a proper defense against a lion. Damn it! This circus Wi-Fi is a joke! Oh, come on! I thought you were going to try to relax. How can anyone relax when they made us park in stacked parking? I knew he wasn't gonna like the stacked parking. What kind of insane parking system is designed so you're blocked in by everyone that arrived after you? (clack) The early bird gets the shaft! Shh! Shh! (cheering and crowd chatter) Oh, my God. What if all those clowns are parked in the same lot as us?! Maybe there's better Wi-Fi in the freak tent. Mah. Excuse me. Pardon me. (phone ringing) What the hell?! Oh, finally. The business call I've been waiting for. Hello, this (groans) Come on, kids. There's nothing you'd be interested in here. (snapping) Uh, uh Hey! Hey, uh they'll grow back. Oh, Homer, I have to use the Porta Potti. Oh, for gah Now? Do you have to? No woman uses one of these by choice. (groaning) Hey, Dad, since we got to wait, can't we please see an act? Ugh. Fine, but I'll be amazed if I'm astounded. Thereby proving Zorn's Lemma. Give me my damn husband back! Dang, look at all them hobo signs! My head bone hurts. Aah. (applause and chatter) I need a new volunteer. How about you, sir? (gasps) Hey, is that time right? I have a deadline in an hour and a half. You know, Dad, studies show being hypnotized makes you more efficient. Mm, oh, okay. Is that true? Mah. I just wanted to see him cluck like a chicken. (laughs) Now, we've never met, have we, sir? Ooh, patter. Do you have any children? No, but we're having fun trying. (laughs) Wait. I mean three. When I snap my fingers, you shall be ten years old. Look, can we get to the point? I'm stack parked. Did you hear me? Stack You are ten years old! No, I'm not. Yes, you are. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. No, I'm not. Yes, you are! Yes, you are. No, yes, yes, you are. Yes, you are. Look, I said you are. Yeah, and you are, too. Only a ten-year-old boy could be this annoying! (applause, gasping, crowd chatter) I'm not convinced. I know you are, but what am I? Infinity plus one. Jinx! Only the coolest kid ever could think of that. Good golly, Sven Golly, you did it! Sven Golly, born Svenjamin Golly, you are under arrest for mesmerizing the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to induct Kiss. You are wanted by the police, by which I mean Sting, Andy Summers, uh Hey, is it Is is getting hot in here? Oh, not again. Mom, Dad's been hypnotized to think he was ten. Ah. (gasps) Hmm. (rhythmic thudding) Now I'm gonna test just how deeply Homer's mind has been effected. Take a sip of this, young man. (coughing) Ew! Gross! What did you give him? Beer. (all gasp) This hypnotism is strong. Dinner theater strong. My husband can't really think he's ten. I'm saying, he so desperately needs to believe he's ten, that only the original hypnotist who did this can undo the trance without risking permanent damage to Homer's psyche. (laughs) (in high-pitched voice): Hey, oh, help me! Dear God. Psych! Oops. So, what do we do? Do not force the truth. For now, just treat Homer just as you would a regular ten-year-old boy. Can he be nine so I can beat him up? No, I'm afraid not. The rules of hypnotism are inflexible. Then can we get pizza on the way home? Ask for boogers on Bart's half. (laughs) Good one. Booger pizza. You better pray they find that hypnotist, Marge. HOMER: Get the ball, boy! Come on. (squeaking) Go get it, boy! (barking) Go get it, boy. (whines) Go get it, boy! (snarls, barking) Hey! Ow! Ow! I thought you were my best friend. (barking) Ooh! Ow-Ow! So, where is he gonna sleep? Well, I guess it'll have to be in Bart's room. Oh. And I thought when Homer cut off his thumb was bad. Um, Mrs. Simpson? Aah! (laughing) MARGE: Oh! (snoring) (snoring) (groans) Hey? What? Who? Homer, can't you sleep with Mom? I'd be too nervous. Have you noticed that she's kind of hot? Gross! Weird! Complicated! Go to sleep. (grumbles) I really do miss my Homie this time of night. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. We're gonna have a lot of mittens this winter. (birds singing) Aw, if I'm gonna get through this day, I better Irish up my coffee. I'm ready to go to school. Homer, you're not going to school. I'm not? Cool! Am I sick? 'Cause if I'm sick, I get to stay home and make s'mores. All I need is graham crackers, chocolate, marshmallows, sticks, fire Did I say graham crackers? Chocolate, marshmallows, sticks, fire Oops! My homework. Fine, you can go to school. Yo, this is tunnel tag. When you're tagged, you have to spread your legs and freeze. Guess I chose the wrong day to wear culottes. Every day's the wrong day to wear culottes. You're it! (kids laughing, clamoring) (kids gasp) Can I play? Oh, God, no. If Milhouse can play, anyone can play. Once again, I'm the lower bound. You're it! (kids laughing, clamoring) Is that a grown man going between the children's legs? Well, there's nothing in the rule book against it. It's on page one of the rule book! That's where I doodle. It's a comic strip I do called Bumble and Grumble. Grumble likes to yell, but deep down he loves Bumble like a son. No, he doesn't. HOMER: I'm beat. (yawns) Today was fun. Yeah. Listen, Homer, do you ever think about what you want to do when you're grown up? I'll eat in bed. Not just snacks, messy stuff like lasagna. Oh, and the TV would be on. Loud. Hey, would you ever want to have a real job and a family? (scoffs) Wife? Three kids? Steady job? If I did, I'd secretly be very sad. You could tell by how much I would eat and drink and just sit on the couch. (gasps) Yeah, thank God that never happened. (snoring) Wow. He doesn't want to be my dad, he just wants to be a kid like me. Almost makes me not want to prank him. Almost. (grunting) (snoring) TouchÃ©. (kids grunting) If you wedgie me, my friend will beat you up. That's not your friend, it's your screwed-up dad. Pretty sad, really. We'll leave you alone. You did it, Homer! You saved me from the bullies! You're the coolest kid I ever met. What about me? You're in the top hundred. Boo-yah! Now you're not. (groans): Oh. (laughter) (confused grunts) (laughter) (Homer yells, Bart screams) (groans) HOMER: Uh, Lisa, your ma says I should do something with you. Need some help with your homework? I'm done. Want to see me make a muscle? Mm, not right now. Well, that's everything I know that girls like. Listen, Homer, I just want to take advantage of this opportunity to have you enjoy my saxophone with me. Okay. (saxophone playing "Baker Street") (vocalizing along) Ah, thank God they pulled that other safety inspector out of retirement. (Homer continues vocalizing) You know, you're the closest thing I've ever had to a brother. Me, too. You know what? I'm afraid you might change back. Change back to what? (sighs) Look in the lake, tell me what you see. Bloated corpse under the water. I'd say he's been there a few months at least. Interesting the way his lips move just like mine. Why do you ask? Uh, no reason, brother. (laughing) (laughing) (coughing) (gurgling) Geez, I hope this is the call I've been praying for. It is. We have captured Sven Golly, using a specially dedicated anti-hypnosis squad. (bangs into car) Well, bring him here now. I want my Homie back. I miss him and the things he did. Lis, you know how Dad thinks he's a ten-year-old? I've been emotionally dealing with that all week, so yes. Well, now that hypnotist is gonna come back and snap him out of it! Look, Dad had to get cured sometime. There's nothing we can do about it. Or isn't there not? WIGGUM: All right, Sven Golly, you're gonna untangle this guy's noodle, and that's it-- no more hypnotizing anyone. You have my word Chief Kangaroo! Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing (groans) (wind whistling) (gasps) They've run away! Quick! Hypnotize me into a a-a competent policeman! I'm good, I'm not that good. Ha-ha. I wanted you to enjoy being a kid just a little longer. HOMER: Whoo-hoo! HOMER: Whoo hoo-hoo-hoo! (coughing) (Bart and Homer coughing) I do it all myself. (two gunshots) (people screaming) (people clamoring) We've returned to Itchy & Scratchy Land, which means you'll have to pay again. What do we do next? What do we do next? WIGGUM: Homer Simpson! Uh, your second childhood is over. You're going back to taking statins and paying FICA. No! You can't take him now. We've only been on two rides. You should've used Fastpass. Fastpass can't solve everything. Eh, spoken like a kid who's never lived in a non-Fastpass world. Homer, I'm here. Bye, Bart. Stay ten forever. Good-bye, friend. Hmm Before you fix him, can you change one little thing? (quietly): I'm embarrassed to ask this, but after we, uh, snuggle, he always rolls over and goes to sleep, and I'd rather just (whispering indistinctly) That's the only thing you want changed? Everything else about him is perfect? Yes. Ugh, where were you when I was straight? All right, let's do this. (whispers): Cuddle your wife. You are back! Parked! I hate stacked parking! Wait, where am I? This isn't a circus. It's an amusement park. The furthest thing from a circus. Well, here's what happened. Marge, sweetie, I'm not gonna lie. I must've tied one on at Moe's. If you have it in your heart, could you forgive me and totally blame my friends? Homie, I've missed you. Ooh-hoo-hoo! I missed you, too. (tires screech) (tired sigh) (The Itchy & Scratchy Show theme song playing on TV) What the? Lasagna in bed? Recommended by a kid I used to know. You know, I used to have this friend. I told him all my dreams. Really, really great kid. You think so? The best. Wonder whatever happened to him? Well maybe you sat on him and he was never seen again. Why, you little! Ooh. You know, boy, I'm not sure I can strangle you anymore. I'm gonna try something new. (strained grunt) What do you say, boy, want to split the lasagna? Get lost. Why, you little! (moaning, kissing) Oh so good to have you back. (yawns) It's great to be back. (yawns) (grumbles) Hmm. Can we cuddle for a little while? (gasps) Thank you, Sven Golly. I knitted us a blanket. Mm You can find them for, like, six bucks. Check and mate. Once again you're too smart for me, my friend. That's why I'm the master hypnotist and you're the bumbling police chief. Exactly so, Sven Golly. Exactly so. See you tomorrow? Yes, I might be a little late. That Chief Wiggum, what a dope! (gasps) Loki! Shh!