Girl Toys

News Reporter: (while two paramedics carry a flattened Raggedy Ann onto a stretcher) Tragedy struck today as beloved children's icon Raggedy Ann committed suicide by steam press. Viewers will remember that her longtime companion, Raggedy Andy, died in the late '80s (shows a dead Andy with several quilt patches), and is now a permanent part of the AIDS quilt.

(Michael Moore is watching this in his van.)

Michael Moore: All too common. While boys hang on to action figures forever, girls dump their old playthings with a cruel lack of compassion. But enough about my personal life; what happens to girl's toys when they're no longer loved?

(A picture of Jem appears on the screen.)

Michael: Jem was on top of the rocking world in the '80s, but when she fell, she fell hard; some say right into a cheesecake. (Jem's truck rolls in, and the door opens to show a cigarette-smoking fat Jem.)

(Jem is playing her guitar awfully to four kids at a birthday party.)

Jem: (singing to "Wheels on the Bus") The wheels on the bus go quack, quack, quack;

Open and shut, beep, beep, beep.

The driver on the bus goes swish, swish, overcrack;

Bus, beep-beep...That's how it goes!

Girl: (standing up) No, they don't! You're ruining my party!

Jem: (after a short pause, sings again) Little stupid bitch, you'd better shut the f**k up...

(Jem is later seen near her truck.)

Jem: You know what's absolutely outrageous? Chlamydia.

(The girl's father shows up and hands Jem money.)

Girl's Father: Forty dollars, right? Y'know, this is really embarrassing, but in the eighties, I used to masturbate to you a lot.

Jem: (Coming onto the man) Yeah, you were just a boy then, but now you're a man, right?

Girl's Father: Well, yes...a married man.

Jem: So is it an open marriage, or...(coughs violently for a few moments)...So is it an open marriage?

(cut to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the screen)

Michael: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...

(Venus is beating up a bunch of ninjas next to a dumpster.)

Michael: ...briefly added a fifth member with a very special accessory: a vagina. But after getting dumped from the team...

(Venus' head is stuck in a toilet, and policemen and Michael are examining her corpse.)

Michael: ...Venus chose to end her life the way all discarded turtles meet their maker.

Policeman 1: Seen it a million times. Tried to flush herself down the toilet.

Policeman 2: Ironically, when she died, she crapped herself.

Policeman 1: Is that ironic, or just funny?

(cut a picture of Strawberry Shortcake being stalked by the Purple Pieman)

Michael: Strawberry Shortcake was bullied for years by the evil Purple Pieman.

(cut to Michael with Strawberry at a purple house)

Michael: Now, for the first time, she'll get to confront her former tormentor.

(Strawberry rings the doorbell, and an old man with sunglasses and a walker walks out.)

Purple Pieman: Eh? Who's there? I am blind, now. The diabetes-a saw to that. Eh..(Does a little jig) Cha-cha-cha-cha! Still-a got the moves! Ha-ha!

Michael: And so, Strawberry Shortcake has been denied the confrontation she so craved...

Strawberry Shortcake: Oh, no, bullcrap!

(Strawberry kicks the Pieman's walker, pulls him down, and beats him on his back and face repeatedly. They are both screaming.)

Strawberry: Take my berries now, bitch!

(Strawberry clutches his chin, snaps his neck, shrieks a battle cry, and laughs maniacally. Michael motions to the camera to cut, and is now talking to Strawberry through glass at the visiting center at prison.)

Strawberry: I told that motherfucker I'd bury him, and that's not some fruit-related speech impediment; B-U-R-Y. Bury, like in the fucking ground.

(cut to a picture of Rainbow Brite and some Rainbow Land Sprites)

Michael: Rainbow Brite was a huge hit with girls, and boys that wanted to be girls.

(Michael is interviewing Rainbow in a comfy living room.)

Michael: So, Rainbow, what've you been doing?

Rainbow: Well, after I retired as ruler of Rainbow Land, I continued to seek out every pretty color of the world! I dated a black guy, a Korean guy, a black guy, a Puerto Rican guy, a black guy, some Indian guys (dot and feathered), a black guy, a black guy...ooh, another black guy! Daddy was so pissed!

(cut to Sailor Moon transforming)

Michael: And how does Sailor Moon make a living these days?

Sailor Moon: I sell my used panties to old men online!

(Michael stands next to a horrifically disfigured bald man.)

Michael: It's a tragedy when a beloved icon is discarded on purpose.

Cabbage Patch Man: We Cabbage Patch People were abandoned as soon as we grew out of our cute, baby stage. Adoption, my asshole!

(cut to a Cabbage Patch Woman as a prostitute being paid)

Michael: With nobody to care for them, the Cabbage Patch community fell on hard times.

(A Cabbage Patch guy is getting a tattoo on his rear that says 'Can Suck It' under the trademarked name 'Xavier Roberts. ' )

(cut to a picture of Chatty Cathy sitting on a chair with the words "Chatty Cathy, the Talking Doll" next to her)

Michael: Perhaps the greatest tragedy of all befell Chatty Cathy.

(Michael is walking alongside Cathy while interviewing her.)

Michael: After witnessing a mob crime, the mafia tried to make sure she couldn't talk.

Cathy: (in a low, slurred tone) They cut out my tongue, but I couldn't be intimidated. I testified anyway.

Michael: Aw, good for you!

Cathy: I wish I was dead.

(cut back to inside Michael's van)

Michael: Let's never again forget those girls' toys of yesteryear with the dignity and respect that they deserve.

Cathy: (gags offscreen) Am I done yet?

Michael: (looking down) You'll know, Chatty Cathy. You'll know.