Bart Has Two Mommies

Bart: Why does God always need money? HOMER; It's a lot of little stuff. God has to pay all the elves in his workshop. Plus, he's got all those planets to support. You see that ring he gave Saturn? (WHISTLING) Who knew saints had such fat heads? Ah, it's all a big scam. This booth? No, religion in general. Lisa: Hmm. (SCREAMING) Not bad. Here's your candy apple, sir. Excellent. This fundraiser is close to achieving the Lord's goal, building a taller steeple than the one on that snooty Episcopal church across the street. Reverend, why do we really need this? To compensate for my own sense of smallness. And now for our main event, the rubber duck race! The first duck to cross the finish line wins this home computer. (All) Ooh... That's the new feMac, the computer designed just for women. The "you've got mail" voice is Susan Sarandon. (Sarandon) You've got mail, unlike the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. Get informed. (All) Ooh... Don't worry, Marge. Me and Terrible Two here are gonna win that computer for you. How can you be sure? 'Cause he wants it! On your marks, get set... Wait. Someone's not on their mark. That's better! Go! (HORN BLOWING) (CHUCKLING) Now to begin Operation Slight Edge. (LAUGHING) Hee-hee! I'm winning! (SHRIEKING) He's headed for the old mill! No, Cheatie! No! (GRUNTING) (SIGHING) D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Too many paddles! D'oh! (SPUTTERING) (GROANING) (CREAKING) (GROANING) Protect the duck! D'oh! Protect the duck. D'oh! Product the tact... D'oh! (QUACKING) Hey! This race is for rubber ducks! Not meat ducks! (ANGRY QUACKING) (MUFFLED SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) (QUACKING) Woo-hoo! I won! And the winner is... Uh! (GROANING) A living duck? I wished too hard and he became real. And the winner is Ned Flanders! This is my favorite kind of surprise. Mild. Oh. There, there. The fact that you tried means everything. Hey, that's the same thing you said to Bart after he choked in that soccer game. And we both know he sucked. And how. But this is different. Say, Marge, I don't really want a computer. You know, all those complete strangers Googling each other makes my flesh crawl! Just put it in the trunk and leave. Ned, that's so generous. But there must be something I could do in return. Well, sir, we could do a little quid pro for the Kaypro. The left-handed convention is in town, and as the owner of Springfield's largest southpaw shop, I just gotta be there. Could you, uh, nanny-goat my kid-diddily-ids? Uh, hmm... Let see. Just a second. Oh, yeah, sure. I'd be happy to babysit for Rod and Todd. "Woo-hoo." I'm so glad you're watching the boys, Marge. Our last babysitter let 'em watch Comedy Central! Now, Rod makes me check the closet every night for Rita Rudner. (SHUDDERING) "No Rudner." Here are the numbers for the police, fire, ambulance, poison control, burn clinic, and people nearby with Rod and Todd's blood type. Ooh, Carl! So you're gonna be chillin' with me tonight. Do you want to play a game? How about a sitting still contest? Hands folded. Okay, game over. It's a tie! That means we both come in second. Both: We're number two! We're number two! What do you think, Maggie? Oh, wow. It's the Big Unit himself, Randy Johnson! (CHUCKLING) You've fanned more men than Salome! Yeah, I get that a lot. I'm here promoting my new line of left-handed teddy bears. Randy Johnson's Southpawz. This one's a doctor. You can give it to your doctor. Huh? Huh? You have one for a mailman? A bear can't be a mailman. Now how many doctor bears do you want? They come in boxes of a thousand. Um... (SIGHING) One box? You and me got a problem! Here's my mask. I'm a Star Wars. Now let's see who you've drawn. I'm my brother, Todd. I'm my brother, Rod. Ahh! This is too scary. Change back! (BOTH WHIMPERING) I'll help you. I'm a chipmunk. I eat nuts without saying grace. I'm a permission slip. Hmm. And thank you, God, for letting Mrs. Simpson come over. It was the most fun we've had since Mommy was here. Aw... And could you ask Mommy to come to Daddy in a dream and tell him how to cut our sandwiches? Aw... And please tell Mrs. Simpson it's rude to eavesdrop on our prayers. Oh... But we forgive her. Aw... Hiya, Marge. Rod and Todd in the land of Nod? Mmm-hmm. We had a lot of fun. They're terrific kids. Hey, you're welcome to see the dynamic duo anytime! Hmm. Well, then maybe I will come by more often. And Homer can spend more time with our kids. He's watching them now. (SNORING) Ready? Ready. And joust! (BOTH GRUNTING) Ahh! (GRUNTING AND YELLING) Ah! That was awesome! Let's do it again! (MUMBLING) A canoe made of country ham? You know I'll eat it. (SNORING) Hmm, what's wrong with your teeter-totter? Daddy says up-and-down seesaws are dangerous. Chocks? Why don't we try it freestyle? (BOTH WHIMPERING NERVOUSLY) (WHIMPERING CONTINUES) (BEETHOVEN'S SYMPHONY NO. 9 PLAYING) (SPEAKING SPANISH) (GRUNTING) (SPUTTERING) (SPEAKING SPANISH) (DOORBELL RINGING) I heard in study hall you were babysitting tonight. Homer, we're not in high school. So Marge, in tomorrow's game, I'm gonna recover a fumble just for you. Oh, maybe you'll run it in for a touchdown. Don't pressure me. I get enough of that from my dad. Well, maybe we can take your mind off things by studying for the SATs. Snuggles And Tickles. (GIGGLING) Oh! (GIGGLING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (DOOR OPENING) (SHRIEKING) Old man Flanders! Hey, Homer. Sneakin' kisses from the missus? Springfield High football rules! (THUDDING) HOMER: No one turn on the sprinklers, okay? Dad, Mom's over at the Flanders' babysitting Nimrod and Nimtodd. We wanna do something. Fine. As soon as I finish watching my show. I want to go to the Showbiz Animal Retirement Home. They take in animals from the movies and TV that aren't cute anymore. (BARKING NERVOUSLY) (WHINING) Old showbiz animals, eh? You think any of the gremlins from the Gremlins movie are there? Um, sure. (LAUGHING) I'm gonna get them so wet. Oh, this is much sadder than I expected. Sad? You're crazy. I feel like I'm at the Oscars for the animals. I forgot existed. (OINKING) Aflac! (COUGHING) I'm not a real bear! That was just the name of my character. Now let me out of here. Hey, do you know where the bathroom is? Maybe I do and maybe I don't. You didn't hear it from me, but it's next to the rhino cage. Word on the street is cover the toilet seat with tissue. Sweet, sweet tissue. (GULPING) Woman: This is Toot-Toot. She played Tum-Tum in Teen Tarzan's Eco-Adventures. She looks like she's crying. (SOBBING) Oh, she probably misses her children. They're all in show business. One of them played the out-of-control judiciary in a Republican Party commercial. Cheer up, Toot-Toot. Have some of my ice cream. (CHIRPING) (CHITTERING) (YELPING) (BART SHOUTING) My son's been ape-napped! No, no, it's still kidnapped! The prefix applies to the victim. Help! She's grooming me. (GRUNTING) She's grooming me! Aren't you gonna do something? I'm afraid there's nothing we can do now. A chimp that size could tear your son's head right off! But she'll leave the rest of him alone? Uh... Uh... Would you like to meet Flipper? Oh, may I remind you they're old when they come here. Well, well, look at my dull-eyed angels. What's this? (GASPING) It's the ripcord from a Band-Aid wrapper! Call me Ned Zeppelin but is one of my boys abrased and contused? I cut myself on the knife playing Christian Clue. The secular humanist did it in the schoolhouse with misinformation! Well, I think it's about time you boys get to bed. Both: Yes, Daddy. And so we don't have another disaster, you crawl up those steps. (BOTH GROANING) Ned, I know you like to worry, but these boys are never going to get self-confidence unless you let them try things for themselves. I just can't. They're all I've got since that sad day when Maude found eternal happiness. I thought they might enjoy it if I took them here. Everything's covered in foam. And it's owned by a corporation, so you know it's safe. Their mascot is a knee-pad-wearing helmet. Why not? Where's Bart? I haven't seen him since you came home. Oh, you haven't seen Bart for a few hours, so you automatically assume I let something terrible happen. I didn't say that. I know what you think. "When stupid Homer wasn't looking, "Bart got kidnapped by a monkey." I could never think something that horrible. And now I'm using sarcasm to confess the whole thing, so later I can say that I already told you. Sorry I asked. Dad, you can't keep this up for long. (SARCASTICALLY) Oh, you're so right. I guess I should be more concerned with Bart's safety than covering my own butt. And maybe I'm talking like this because I can't stop! Help me, Lisa. I have serious mental problems. Look, it's been fun and all, but I miss indoor plumbing. (GIBBERING) (GROANING) Sorry, lady. I've never eaten fresh fruit, and I reckon I never will. (EXASPERATED GIBBERING) (GIBBERING) Whoa! This Oreo is rank! (WHISPERING) Bart! Bart! When the monkey falls asleep, I'll sneak you out in this trash bag. Then I'll come back and feed the monkey a peach full of antifreeze. (CHITTERING) (WEAKLY) Wee... Wee... (SNORING) (MUTTERING) Oh, I fell asleep before the monkey! Uh-oh. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Looking good, Rod! Ned! Are you checking up on me? I'm not Ned. I'm a friendly dog. Oh, I'm not a good liar. I did come here to check on the... Where's Rod? He's up there, Daddy. Daddy, look how high I am! (YELPING) What are you doing? You're gonna get hurt! I am? (WHIMPERING) (SCREAMING) Ahh! (CONTINUES SCREAMING) He chipped a tooth. How will he bite Wheat Thins? How? I'm sorry, Ned. I never thought this would happen. I don't want you watching my boys ever again! (ALL MURMURING) Man: She must be an unfit mother. I am not an unfit mother! (Kent) We interrupt this skateboarding footage for a breaking news story. Local boy Bart Simpson is being held hostage by an angry chimpanzee, who has improved both his hygiene and posture. His so-called real mother could not be found for comment. (GASPING) Hey, monkey! Eat tranquilizer dart! (INHALING DART) (CHOKING) (SPUTTERING) (Kent) Mr. Simpson was later revived by a police stun gun. (ELECTRICITY SIZZLING) (SIZZLING INTENSIFIES) (SINGING) Welcome to the jungle gym. I'll make it safe again. When playtime is a safe time. Everybody wins. I'll lay down some AstroTurf. So they don't scrape their knees Daddy, what are we gonna do today? Well, we're gonna do what every kid your age likes to do. Look at bread. Both: No! (GASPING) The "N" word? We want Mrs. Simpson back! She let us run barefoot in the grass and play Uno! Uno? That's a gateway game to pinochle! All diddily aside, boys. What is it about her you miss so much? She made us feel happy. And not church happy. For-real happy. (GASPING) Lisa: Maybe there's another way to solve this. Bart is clearly fulfilling an emotional need for Toot-Tool. Lisa, monkeys don't have feelings. If they did, then my experiments could be called cruel. Toot-Toot, look. I'm using this rock as a tool. (GRUNTING) Ow! (DISTRESSED GIBBERING) (GASPING) She's kissing his boo-boo! That's it! I'm going in! (GIBBERING) Excuse me, Mrs. Toot. I need to talk to you mother-to-mother. (INQUISITIVE GIBBERING) While you were living the glamorous life of a TV chimp, I was raising my son. You have no right to take him away from me now. Please, please, give me back my boy. (GIBBERING) (EXCITED GIBBERING) Marge, Toot-Toot and her son escaped! (SIGHING) The Hamburglar was survived by his longtime companion, Mayor McCheese. Now our latest update on monkey boy Bart Simpson. Toot-Toot has taken Bart to the highest spot in town. The new steeple atop the First Church of Springfield. (SOBBING) Now, Marge, I know things look bleak. But it should comfort you to know we have this plaque ready to go. (MARGE GASPING) (SOBBING) Hey, I know how we can save Bart! Homer: Mr. Teeny? He also happens to be Toot-Tom's son. But Krusty said Mr. Teeny was born in Funny Town. Nelson, Funny Town doesn't exist. No! I was gonna live at Cuckoo Corners! Hmm. Listen, we can trade Mr. Teeny for Bart. We just have to find a way to get him up there. I'm already doing it. (SCREAMING) Roddy, get down! You're gonna fall! (WHIMPERING) Ned, Rod needs to know you believe he can be okay on his own. You'd be surprised what he could do if you just gave him a chance. Rod, you can do it, boy. With God on your side, you can't fail! Toot-Toot, I have something for you. (GIBBERING) (EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) (GIBBERING) Yeah, great. New I need a new sidekick. Get me a lemur or a marmot. Or Tom Green. He's not doing anything these days. And really stick it to him on the money. Hurry, let's climb down. Okay. But don't let our hands touch. It's gay. What's gay mean? Um... It means you used to be afraid, but now you're not. I'm gay, Daddy! I'm gay! (YELLING) Mrs. Simpson made me gay! (HYPERVENTILATING) I believe he's saying, "He's okay." My little boy is growing up. Hey, I'll say. I haven't seen climbing like that since Dudley Moore married Susan Anton. (LAUGHING) Oh, Bob, why did I wait 100 years to get you up here? You're telling me. Now I can look down Dolly Parton's dress whenever I want. (GROWLING) You guys, I'm trying to watch this. Hey, I'm sorry. What got into her? Her kid's fruitier than Carmen Miranda's hat rack. Remember her?