Hogan Is My Grandfather

1 Back in the '80s, being the only kid in my school with his own video camera had its advantages. Most notably, I could use it to get out of tough homework assignments. - Rolling. - For example, AP Spanish. By the power of Grayskull! [Thunder crashes] - I have the power - of espanol! Me gusta las manzanas! [Applause] The movies I made for school never failed to dazzle my teachers. [Sighs] Well, that content was shockingly simple. But wow. You have a video camera. That's not nothing. A-plus, senior! It was the ultimate scam to get out of work I didn't want to do. Athletics saves lives! Get fit, or you'll end up like this! Ah, damn it. My foot swelled up again. Bevy, help me! Ugh! Aah, it's locked in tight! [Music Playing] - That's a moving cautionary tale, Goldfarb. You can sit out dodgeball for the whole week. Even the toughest teachers in school fell for my homework hack, like Doc, the classic '80s teacher who was rough around the edges and a sniper with a piece of chalk. Yeah, this kind of student cruelty was only a thing of the past. All right, I hope you were all taking notes, 'cause it's term-paper time. I want 10 pages on World War II, not including bibliography. [Students groan] Would you prefer double-spaced or triple-spaced? Hey, that was close! It's called a warning shot, fresh mouth. Always single-spaced. Goldberg, speak. As you may know, filmmaking has been a passion of mine since my early years here at William Penn. Yeah. I think we all know how that's held you back socially. Indeed. I was wondering if, instead of the paper, you'd accept a cinematic re-creation of an important event from the war. Sounds like someone's trying to get out of doing real work. Other teachers have said yes, and they've been very pleased with the results. Ask around the lounge. I think you'll hear good things. I am no longer welcome in that lounge. Lucky for you, Doc likes a good World War II movie. But you better wow me, or it's an F. High stakes, I like that game. He gets to make a movie? Seriously, why does everyone jump up and down for this kid just 'cause his parents spoiled him with a video camera? Son, it is taking all my energy not to chuck an eraser at your head. Dave Kim's voice will not be silenced! How is this allowed?! [Chuckles] I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was October 4, 1980-something and my sister, Erica, was in college, parent-free and loving life. Damn washing machine! Well, kind of. My jeans are completely bleached and not in the cool, acid-washed kind of way. How much, like, bleach did you use? I don't know, one? One bleach? You realize you have, like, no basic life skills and it's gross. Okay, I just messed up a little laundry. As if! I mean, look at your side of the room. It's a total garbage heap. It's an organized heap. I have a system. [Chuckles] It's like you don't know how to pick up after yourself or make a bed for yourself or feed yourself. What? I prefer to eat out because I don't know how to cook ramen or boil a cow or whatever. Look, we're friends and stuff, but if you don't learn how to take care of yourself, I'll talk to the RA and get you evicted or whatever. You can't do that! Oh, I can. Get it together, or you'll be living in the mature-students dorm. I can't live with moms who are going back to school to get their lives on track! You either learn fast, or your new roomie will be a divorce who takes pottery classes and listens to Yanni. Not Yanni! Yanni. Okay, I am an adult. I can fix this on my own. But she couldn't, so she came home instead. We need to talk, woman! [Gasps] Sweet God, am I dreaming? You ruined my life! Dang it. It's real. In my dreams, we wear matching sweaters and you drown me in nub-nubs. Mom, I'm a total mess at college. Because of you, I've never had to clean or cook or act like a human in the real world. Are you saying I failed as a mother by being too good of a mother? Yes! I am bleached and stinky and hungry. Aw. Well, let Mama do your dirty laundry and fill you with eggs and breads and meats. Well, I kind of took a bus at 5:00 a. m. to learn adult skills, but your thing sounds way easier. Feed me the meats! [Chuckles] Why are you here? Why are you eating my meats? - Hi, Daddy. - Huge news, Murray. Erica's gonna come home every weekend so I can care for her needs! That's ridiculous. She's got to learn how to take care of herself, not have you baby her. No! Let her baby me, or I'll be rooming with someone's colorful aunt who's trying to reinvent herself, but she can't because it's too late. Stop eating my meats. No babying, just teaching. You act like I baby them on purpose, Murray. Mom, I'm starving! Turn this magic dust into pancakes for me? No! This stops now, moron! Make them yourself like an adult. Fine! Ahh. Now all we do is wait. Start now. Start teaching them how to live without their mother so they don't end up here forever. While my dad tried to help his helpless kids, Pops was patiently waiting to hang with his favorite grandson. Oop! There he is. You all ready to hit the auction house, kiddo? [Sighs] I'm sorry. I can't go. But we pretend we're titans of industry and drive up all the prices of the nonsense art. Pops, I'm busy. I'm in high school. I got a girlfriend. I'm making a movie on World War II. World War II? Why didn't you say so? That's my war! Let me help. Guess I could interview you and get some cool stories. You want stories? I got stories. Did I ever tell you about my crazy friend Boxy in basic training? Ooh, this is good. Was he a boxer? No. We called him Boxy 'cause his family owned a box factory. He tripped over a table in the mess hall, hurt his foot, was sent home, became an orthodontist. Okay. Well, maybe you should talk more about the actual war stuff. Well, for most of the war, I was actually on a supply ship. Shipping bullets and bombs and stuff? Mostly canvas. And rope. And one time, we were loaded up with pants. Yeah, I think I want my movie to be less about pants and more about saving the world. But we can hang out some other time. [Music Playing] Pops could see he was losing me. So in that moment, he decided to spice things up with some stories from the classic '60s sitcom "Hogan's Heroes. " Oh, I got one. My supply ship got captured and I was taken prisoner. Prisoner? Why didn't you lead with that? I was building up to it. And I was hooked. Every tale Pops told was better than the last! And we got all our instructions from London through a radio we had hidden in a coffee pot. That does make sense. I had to convince the colonel to let me form a jazz band, which would trigger an avalanche. Unbelievable. The chimpanzee had nowhere to go, so it only made sense he live with us in our barracks. This is gonna be an awesome movie! The script is gonna write itself! Go get 'em, Slugger. I'm just gonna jog the ol' memory. While Pops got schooled on "Hogan's Heroes," my mom was reluctantly teaching Erica and Barry life skills. And you pinch the shoulders, flip in the sleeves, and hello, store-quality folded shirt. Hope you're happy, Erica. I was enjoying my life of leisure with my mom-butler and you ruined it. Calm down. All we're doing is learning a few easy things to appease your father. Yeah, learning won't hurt. Then we wouldn't have to leave an awesome place like college to go to a lame place like here. So you want to learn so you can leave? Exactly. Help us leave you. After hearing my sister's change of heart, my mom decided not to teach them, but to bring them down. Okay, then. Uh, let's start with something simple, a fitted sheet. If you can't fold a simple sheet, there's really no hope for you. What the hell? Where does it begin, and where does it end? Just give it to me, dude. I'll show you how to do it. Oh! Oh, no! I'm stuck! I'm stuck inside! I'm inside of the sheet! You got it? No. Oh, wait. - Oh, no. - Grab the stretchy part. Nope, that's not the stretchy part! - I'm gonna die in here! - You're making it worse! Oh, my God. You are so good at Mom stuff. I know. It's so frustrating. You can't come to where I am. I wish there was a way I could go someplace. Wait! What if you came to us? Say it, Erica. Say every detail of every idea you just had. Every weekend, you can visit and clean my filthy dorm, cook me food, and do laundry while I'm at class and partying with my friends. - What about me? - Fine. She can alternate weekends. You just solved your unsolvable problem! Yay! Hey, morons. Let me get this straight. You two have officially decided to let your mom take care of you for the rest of your lives. She seems very open to it. Of course she is. How do you not see what she's doing after all this time? Dude, do you think she gave us the impossible sheet on purpose? Yes. She manipulates you into needing her week after week. What are you talking about? She made up a medical condition so she could have a sleepover with you in your dorm on your first night of college. Well, that certainly is an example. Well, it ends today! Mom will no longer control me with her mommery. Yeah! Let's stick it to her by learning the life skills that we should've learned as small children. I'm scared, but I'm in. Take my hand, Father. Leap with us into the unknown. [Music Playing] Thank you, and welcome. Once in a generation, a student project comes along that not only triggers an automatic A, but launches an illustrious filmmaking career. Get to it, Rex Reed. I got a whole bucket here. Enjoy. The year was 1943, and I was a prisoner of war behind enemy lines. As fate would have it, the camp was guarded by two bumbling fools who I outsmarted on a weekly basis. If it wasn't for me, Colonel Klink and his surprisingly lovable sidekick, Sergeant Schultz, would have won the war! All right, Goldberg. Stop the tape. [Music stops] Is this some kind of joke? I know what you're thinking. It's too good. This is not your grandfather's war story. You stole it from "Hogan's Heroes. " No! I've never even seen that show. This came straight from my grandfather. I demand an apology and an A-plus! More like an F and a week's detention for being a liar! - What was that? - Nothing. Did you just throw my chalk back at me? Pffft. Wha? You threw it to me. I threw it back at you. It's a game of catch! We have fun! Principal's office. Now. Way ahead of you. After turning Pops' war stories into cinema, only enemy in my teacher's eyes was me. Sorry. Doc is insisting that your grandfather's stories are all lies. I will never believe that! That's a year's detention, you sassy bastard! Okay! Everybody calm down. Mr. Goldberg, you know that plagiarism is a very serious academic crime. I didn't plagiarize anything! Let's go to the tape, then, shall we? Let's. - Please, Colonel Solomon! - Please, Colonel Hogan! - How else do we get the tank in? - How else do we get the tank in? - T-T-T-T-T-Tank? - T-T-T-T-T-Tank? - So we can take it apart. - So we can take it apart. - It's only until tomorrow, - It's only until tomorrow, and then he's gonna take it off again - [Sighs] - [Sighs] - after he steals the tank - after he steals the tank - Oh? - Oh? - from the Panzer Division Oh! - from the Panzer Division Oh! and brings it here into the barracks. - Oh, I see nothing! - Oh, I see nothing! - I was not here! - I was not here! - I didn't even get up this morn - I didn't even get up this morn Wow. That is incriminating. I guess we have to face facts. Hogan stole that story from my grandfather. No, wait! Hogan is my grandfather! Oh, and I'm Granny from "The Beverly Hillbillies. " - Give it up! - Never! Pops is my best friend in the world, and there's no way he'd lie to me. Yeah, I lied to you. Balls, man! Big balls! I'm in real trouble here! I could be expelled. Wait. That movie was for school? Yes. I made a movie instead of writing a term paper. Why do they keep letting you make movies instead of doing actual work? It's a Quaker school. It's very loose. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get you in trouble. I was just excited to spend time together again. [Sighs] Now I feel terrible. Don't feel terrible. Same thing happened with Erica and Barry. Everybody grows up. Tell you what, I'm gonna go talk to your teacher and fix this mishegas. He won't listen. He's a hard-ass and a sniper with a piece of chalk. I can handle him. I fought in the war. Don't you mean you brought pants to the boat that went to the war? As Pops enlisted to fight for my grade, my brother and sister had been defeated by an enemy close to home. Unbelievable! The way that woman fed us, cleaned our rooms, loved us day and night She's been playing us for suckers! We should have seen the caring and nurturing for what it was, a ruse! Erica?! Oh, my God! You're back! Did you come all this way to surprise me?! Oh, man! Uh, I mean, hey, you! I've missed you so much! Same. But also, I am kind of busy dealing with this thing. - Oh, can I help? - Do you know how to do laundry? Totally. There's this laundry chute by my bedroom, and I just put all my dirty clothes in it. And then a few days later Boom, they're back in my drawer. - You're useless to me. - Yep. Wait! Wait. I know someone who's been surviving on his own forever. He can teach us for sure. - Who? - The wisest man I know. Well, you've come to the right efficiency apartment. My perpetual single-tude has given me an amazing array of domestic skills. Make yourselves at home in my living room/gym/ sitting area/lanai. Brisket? I made that in my gentleman's Crock-Pot. So tender! It falls apart at fork's first touch. Also, how long are we gonna be here? Dude, look at the laundry basket! Is that one of those impossible-to-fold sheets Mom was tricking us with? You mean fitted? I've danced with a few. Erica: They're perfect. You folded them? How'd you find the corners? You don't find the corners of the sheet. The corners find you. Teach us everything you know, Coach. - Never surrender - Very well. If you got the heart and the will to win and you have a basic understanding of how to use a vacuum, then your training in the domestic arts begins now! It's all from here. And then you just power through the seams. Let your hips do the work. - Ten-hut! - What's all this now? Name's Albert Solomon, veteran of the Army Quartermaster Corps. I'm here to get my grandson Adam a second chance. Would you do that for a veteran? Sir, while I appreciate your service, grades are non-negotiable. I think you'll change that policy when you hear me out. Also, I don't remember this jacket being so hot. Would you mind if I Please, by all means. Ahh, that's better. Where was I? You're here to defend Adam, even though he plagiarized the greatest show in television history. No. I told him those stories so I could spend time with him. Also, is this shirt snug? It It feels snug. It's incredibly snug. - Would you mind if I - Be my guest. Where was I again? You were saying you misrepresented your life as "Hogan's Heroes" in order to impress your grandchild. What's going on now? It's the helmet. Damn strap is so tight on my chin. You served this country, sir. Just get comfortable. Yeah, that's some sweet relief. Okay, you know what? I'm gonna stop all this. I'm gonna let Adam redo his project. But just know, he has to really impress me this time. Thank you for showing me the dignity that I deserve. At ease. Pops' mission was a success! Meanwhile, Erica had successfully put some of her new life skills to the test. Morning, Mom. Fresh-brewed coffee? Yes, thanks, and what the [bleep] is this? Oh, we just whipped up a little breakfast of toast, bacon, sausage, ham steak, freshly squeezed juice, and eggy in the hole. I use a melon baller now. Why would you make eggy in the hole? I'm the one who makes eggy in the hole. Not anymore. We eggy our own holes now. Your reign of eggy-ing our holes is over, woman. Dad told us all about your little plan to make us need you, but guess what We learned stuff. We can egg any hole, ball any melon, fold any sheet Top or fitted. Murray, how could you do this? Make our children responsible adults? I don't know what got into me! Face it, we know basic life skills now. Your days of manipulating us into needing you are done. Manipulating you? I have never done anything so awful. You faked a pelvis injury so I'd cook Thanksgiving dinner with you. You tricked us into filling up a swear jar with enough money so we could take a family trip to Colonial Williamsburg. You forged Mother's Day coupons from us to get unlimited snuggles. Okay! I do it every week! - What do you want from me? - To be normal. You know I can't do that! Well, you're gonna have to, 'cause after all these years of tricking us into staying close, all you've done is drive us away. [Music Playing] They're right, Bevy, and you know it. Of course I know it. They've just grown up so fast, Murray. I'm their mother. I've given them everything! And it is so hard to be reminded that your time with them is over. It's not over. It's just changing. And you just got to figure out a way to change with it. [Music Playing] I have returned for my melon baller. - Good day to you. - Ouch. After ripping off "Hogan's Heroes," Pops helped me get one final shot to save my butt and my grade. Hey. I'm just gonna skip the preamble and show you what really happened to my grandfather in the war. It was October 8, 1942. I signed up for basic training and was shipped off to Alabama. The heat was brutal, and we lost a lot of good men along the way. I'm sorry, Al. I got to go. Damn it, Boxy! Don't you leave me! I got no choice! I tripped and hurt my foot. Nooooo! It was summer. Our boat was headed for Florida loaded with 1,000 crates of pants. Problem was, no one knew which were the small pants and which were the large pants. It was up to me to make sure everyone got the right size pants. Sir! These pants are too short, sir! Nooooo! We docked at dawn, and by God, we delivered those pants, which fit perfectly on the bravest soldiers this world has ever known. Adam: Turns out, heroes come in all shapes and sizes. I know Pops didn't storm the beach at Normandy, but he still put his life on the line. And that's why he's my hero. - [Music Playing] - [Sighs] Damn. That got me. My gramps was a cook on a Navy barge that never left Hudson Bay. So I don't fail? Son, that was the best damn term paper I've ever seen. And I suggest you keep making more. - But I sure know where I've been - And I did, thanks to Pops. Turns out, every once in a while We get so excited to be around our family We lose sight of doing what's right. - Whatcha doing? - You were right. - And I've made up my mind - I'm always trying to stop the kids from changing, stop everything from changing. But now I realize that's impossible. It's time for me to change, too. [Music Playing] - Here I go again - So, the visit's over? I mean, it just felt so fast. Well, we have a few minutes right now. Let's make the most of it. Kids, I need to talk to you. Geoff, get out. You know, I don't mind staying. Sometimes, I kind of feel like I'm part of the family. Okay. Mom, don't even start. I get enough lectures at school. It's not a lecture. It's an apology. I've done a few questionable things - to keep you kids close to me. - "A few"? I've done a ton of questionable things! But no more. You kids are changing. There's no reason I can't, too. It's time for an evolution, a Bevolution. - That sounds expensive. - Oh, it will be. But it's something I want to do. What do you say? Sometimes, the toughest decisions in life End up giving us the best results. I say, it's really awesome. And I'm proud of you. And we come to appreciate our family for who they really are And who they help us become. Wow. No more going home for Mommy to do your laundry? Nope. I'll just be going home for her. And in the end, it's not just the stories we tell each other that are important. It's the people who tell them. I ain't wasting no more time - [Music Playing] - - Ready? - Yeah, I'm ready. What do you want me to do? My name is Albert, actor Albert Look at the camera. Actor Albert S. Solomon. [Laughing] That's so depressing. Say it nicer. [Laughter] Don't throw that! My name is Albert S. Solomon. I am 80 [Laughter] Do you want me to lie to you? No, no, no. That was good. Up next, from the Von Thurston estate is this abstract expressionist painting of unknown provenance. The bidding starts at $5,000. $30,000! I have $30,000. Whoa. Pump the brakes, kiddo. Don't worry. The whole point is to force these dopes to pay double for this ridiculous art. I have $30,000 going once. I'm pretty sure that guy raised his hand. No. No? You sure? I am sure. I have $30,000 going twice. Come on, people! Look at that beautifully rendered depiction of despair or joy or horses. Who knows what it is, but just buy it, people! Sold to Mr. Skywalker and his associate, Dr. Zaius. Run, Adam. Run and don't look back.