Beer Walk

Ahh. The weekend starts here. ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: And now a sporting event. [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV] Is it Sunday night already? Another weekend of us doing absolutely nothing. Ha! Look at us, a couple of good-for-nothing, lazy bums. What? You do nothing. I've been [SNORING] Ahh. Two bums. [SINGING] My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is the Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES] [YAWNING] You do nothing every weekend. I work my tail off. - What? - Last night, you said Wait. You sat here all night waiting to scold me? - Why didn't you wake me up? - I tried. [HONKING] Ha, ha. Booze. Cleveland, I cook, clean, watch the kids, bring home the bacon Cleveland! I do everything around here and I even make time for all my charity work. Which is what defines me. Wait a minute. Charity work? We've watched every episode of this show. I've never seen her do any charity. Dude, they can't show everything. We don't see every time she goes to the bathroom. We see every time Cleveland goes to the bathroom. Look, he's going right now. [TOILET FLUSHES] As I was saying, I have a charity too. I give money to feeble-minded black children. Their names are Rallo and Roberta. I'm talking about a real charity, you selfish fool. Like the one I'm involved in, Crutched by an Angel. We provide walkers and wheelchairs for the disabled and the extremely lazy. Me, selfish? You might give a kid a wheelchair. I'd rather teach that child to walk and to dance. Jamie? Jamie? Come on, this isn't funny anymore. It's cold and I'm only wearing a very thin little T-shirt and tiny little panties. Don't go out there, you hot dummy. [SCREAMING] [YELLING] Sick, man. Turn it off, turn it off. Calm down, ladies. I'll go get my mom's gun in case anybody tries to break in. Aah! Help! [BOTH SCREAM] [CRYING] [LAUGHING] Damn, that felt good. You shouldn't do that to people, Rallo. - What? Yeah, I guess you're right Aah! - Aah! [LAUGHING] Oh, man. Scaring people is Aah! Ha, ha! - fun. I could get used to Aah! Ha, ha. - this. Seriously, man, ease up. - You know I have cardiac myopathy. - Aah! Oh, I'm gonna have fun with this. WALT: Can you throw down my nitroglycerin pills? - Rallo, you there? Aah! RALLO: Aah! Just because Donna's got her charity, she thinks she can call me selfish. But no one leaves more pennies in the leave-a-penny-take-a-penny cup than I. No one. - Do you take many? - Irrelevant. I did some charity once. Boned an ugly chick. Last Cinco de Mayo. Terrible skin. Just laid there. Woke up next morning. Turned out she was a piñata shaped like SpongeBob. Drove to my niece's sixth birthday party. Didn't need to buy a present. Two birds. One bone. Screw charity. Man, you know, I pledged $50 to stop diabetes and then I find out that there's still diabetes and I'm like, "What?" Man, talk about a rip-off. Hell, pledge me a dollar for every beer I drink. Cleveland, I'm a genius. The four of us will hold an event right here where people pledge money for every beer we drink. And we'll give all the proceeds to Donna's charity. It's a A Beer Walk. [CHANTING] Beer Walk, Beer Walk! ALL [CHANTING]: Beer Walk, Beer Walk, Beer Walk, Beer Walk! Beer Walk, Beer Walk, Beer Walk, Beer Walk! Beer Walk [MOANING] - Chucky. BOTH: Aah! - I just blapped my pants. - Ha-ha-ha. [MIMICS CAR ENGINE] Thanks for coming to get drunk for charity, guys. Yeah, whatever. Fox is paying us. Wow, Cleveland. I figured it was gonna be all black guys, but this is great. - Missed you. - I came as soon as I heard. Then I drove straight down. Giggity-giggity. Comedy-comedy. [SLOWLY] But seriously, Joe. Thank you for coming here to help with our charity function for the disabled. You do know I hear perfectly well, don't you, Cleveland? I know you're trying. - Brave, brave, Joe. - Aah! What do you think of, uh, Cleveland's old friends? - Gay. - Damn right, gay. Yeah, you guys are so gay. - Gay, gay, gay, so gay. Ha-ha-ha. - Ha-ha-ha. Progressive-thinking friends you got there, Cleveland. Yeah, they like to throw around negatively inflected labels. You guys are the gays. - No, Joe. - Joe, please. Hi, Peter. Hi, Quagmire. [SLOWLY] And you must be Joe. - Hi, I'm Donna. Cleveland's wife. - Hello. Does your penis work? Eh, sort of. [ALL GROAN] - What's that? - Born on the Fourth of July. - I don't know. - Hey, can I do your wife? Look, Cleveland, as long as this Beer Walk stunt helps people I'll put up with it. But I want you and everyone else to see what our organization is really about. This is Ethan. Little Ethan is 9 years old and he's never CLEVELAND: Show us your jugs. [ALL CHEERING] Okay, buzz-kill terminated. Let's get this tax-deductible party started. [ALL CHEERING] ALL [CHANTING]: Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! May? May I have a glass of water? Hey, Gus, how are those potato skins coming? Bear down. End of Beer Walk. These chowderheads consumed 334 beers. That means they raised an approximate total of Carry the one - $334. ALL: Whoo! Yes. I'm better than you, Donna. Hey, Cleveland, we're gonna just take off. What? Already? Yeah, we're We're gonna beat the traffic. [GROANING] Come on. Come on. Come on, Mr. Keys. Here, key, key, key. Key, key, key. Key, key, key. Ugh. Bye, dicks. Okay, bye. Aah. I am the champions, my friend. That's enough, Cleveland. Let's go home. Will you wash me? Oh, hold up, there's a unicycle. Hey, Uncle Sam, can I borrow your unicycle? It's not mine. - Cleveland, no. - You're not the boss of me, are you? Hey, y'all wanna see me ride a unicycle drunk off my ass? [CROWD CHEERING] [CHANTING] Cleveland, Cleveland! Cleveland, no. I will not allow you to break your neck. Yes, you will. For charity. Pull the blocks away. CROWD: Cleveland, Cleveland, Cleveland! God, why? [GROANING] Donna? Donna, are you all right? Oh, Donna. [GIGGLING] Look. Oh, Donna. Oh! Oh, Donna, I can't help feeling that somehow in some way, this is my fault. Good thing Dr. Fist says, "Tomorrow, you'll be right as rain. " No, fat-face. He said, six to eight weeks if she's lucky. You're still gonna be able to keep up your housework, right? I mean, you don't cook with your legs. All right, I get it. I'll do the house cleaning. And take care of the kids. And you'll have to take over my responsibilities with my charity. - Roberta, your breasts. - Sorry. Don't worry, Donna, dear. I'll take care of everything. By your side, I am. And by your side, I'll stay. [SCREAMING] [ANNOUNCER SPEAKING IN SPANISH] [AUDIENCE CHEERS] Is this true, El Hamburguesa? Your name is Cleveland Brown? You have another wife and children? [MOANING] Cleveland, what are you doing? He's humping the air. Like our dog used to do before he crushed it to death. Like he tried to do to you. What is taking you so long to make a stupid frozen pizza? Is your name Domino? Then shut up. [BELL RINGING] DONNA: Cleveland, can I have some water? Just a minute, Donna. [GRUMBLES] Found the problem, Mr. Brown. See? These models tend to overflow when a dad, who's taken on household responsibilities is at his most comically overwhelmed, then There she blow. Oh, no. The laundry, the dinner, Roberta, all unsalvageable disasters. [BELL RINGING] Don't worry, Roberta. I'll make us a frosting sandwich. [SCREAMS] [LAUGHING] Oh, man. Dangerous. Oh, my baby, working so hard for me. You mind getting me today's paper? I need to pick my horses. Yep. Okay. Roger. Copy. Ten-four. Thanks, Cleveland. And can you stop by the video store? I think there was a mix-up. These DVDs say True Blood, but they're just some gay guy's nightmare. [GROWLING] Guys, can't stay. Need to pick up groceries tonight. No time tomorrow. Gotta fix the dishwasher, shampoo carpets renew the Triple A membership, caulk the tub, water the grass. - Cleveland. - What? Quick question. Where is your purse, lady man? Where is my purse? Oh, there it is. Ahh! Go, go, go. - What the Fark. gov happened to him? - Donna's taking advantage of him. Just like I took advantage of that sale at Banana Republic. [WHISTLES] I say we go confront her right now before Cleveland gets home. Yeah, we can bring her some of Arianna's sticky buns as an excuse. - Arianna's got sticky buns, does she? - Yeah. You help glaze those buns yourself, Tim? - Yeah, as a matter of fact, yeah. So what? - Yup. [BOTH GIGGLING] You like to eat her buns after you glaze them? That's my business. [WHISTLES] [CHANTING] Jerry, Jerry, Jerry! [KNOCKING ON DOOR] Cleveland, is that you? - Did something happen to Cleveland? - You turned him into a bitch. What are you talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking about. I'm talking about you're faking all this. - She is? - Trust me. If there's one thing I have experience with, it's women faking it. And I'm gonna prove it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Holt, stop, you drunk jackass. I have two broken legs. Well, then I can't rebreak them by pushing you down the stairs. [SCREAMING] Yes, I'm faking it. I finally get Cleveland to pick up some of the slack around here and you think you douche wangs are gonna ruin it? If anyone says a word about this to my husband I will cut your pretty little face. Why are you unzipping your pants? Because you're choking me. [GRUNTS] ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: We now return to the E! Network's 100 Greatest Celebrity Nip-Slips, Cheek-Peeks and Shaft-Gaffes. Cleveland, would you mind making me another little plate of pickles and carrots and black olives and stuff? Mm? Yeah, plate of pickles. Fix the gutters. Charity dinner. Is that Billy Crystal shaft-gaffing? [KNOCKING ON DOOR] Tim, I thought I told you and your buddies to stay the hell away from my house. Yeah, yeah, you did, you did. And then this morning, I remembered something. l I'm a bear. I can kill you, maul you, rip your face off and eat you. And I won't even go to jail, you know, because, uh, because I'm a bear. I think, you know, in the heat of the moment, I kind of forgot that. But, uh, yeah, I'm a bear. I can kill you. So, uh, tell Cleveland the truth, because if you don't: [ROARING] [LAUGHING] Okay. Okay, byesies. Oh, come on. Junior, why are your socks in the refrigerator? JUNIOR: My feet get hot. Cleveland, can we talk? You can walk. Oh, hail the alien overlord Xenu. No, baby, listen to me. I tricked you. I'm sorry. I didn't really break my legs. Ruin her credit rating, Xenu. I realized I do every damn thing while you sit on your butt watching sports. So I asked Dr. Fist to make me some fake casts. And he did. I think because he wants to sleep with me. He's always vaguely creepy during my exams but not in a direct way that I can really call him on. Ha-ha-ha. Oh, Dr. Fist, what a hound. [YAWNS] Kids, wake up. Right now, so I can fix your breakfast. All right, beautiful boy, here's your bacon and fresh-baked croissants. Merci, Papa. And your coffee. Black as Atlanta. Thank you. You're not still mad at me? Mad at you? I should thank you. Being a homemaker is the toughest job I've ever loved. With the best benefits and the shortest commute. Cleveland, can I ask you for some advice? What's the problem? Talk to me about it. Donna, she needs honest advice and cranberry juice. Oh, well, let me get it for you, Roberta. Aah! Ow, my face. - Donna. - Oh, my God. My baby. You do not hit a child. It was instinctive. I didn't mean to. Enough. For shame, Donna. For shame. And you, no scare. No. Yes, sir, Cleveland. All I needed was some parenting. Shame. So Cleveland's the homemaker now. And the truth is, he's better at it than I ever was. To be honest, I don't even know what my role is. Well, Donna, it's a nice of change of pace to have a drink with a sad, whining woman but, you know, I'm sick of seeing you all down in your mouth. I mean, who are you? Answer me. Well, I'm Donna. No, you are a lioness. And no one is going to displace you or you will roar. Now, who are you? - I am a lioness. ALL: Yeah. - It's my house. ALL: Yeah. Know what? I'm going to the Crutched by an Angel dinner to let Cleveland know that that's my charity. I run the show. - Yeah. - You go, Donna. Charity is what defines you. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That's right. My roommate and I are having a showering contest. - Will you guys be the judges? - Get out of here. Yeah, we're watching The Cleveland Show. Hello, everyone. Please, either take your seat or remain seated forever as applicable. I'd like to introduce the newest member of the CBAA family, Cleveland Brown. [APPLAUSE] Wow. This is Wow. To all of you plegics, both para- and quadra I may be able to run a mile and bathe myself and compete on Dancing With the Stars should my prayers be answered. Please, Xenu. - However - Hold up. Donna, what are you doing here? You've never been interested in charity. That is not Ugh. Cleveland, I have something to share with you and everyone here especially the women. I had it all. I was a mother, a wife and a career woman. Yes, it was a lot of work. But it's woman's work. This woman. And I am taking back my home. No. Nothing has ever made me feel so worthy, so indispensable. Please, Cleveland. Let me do what I was born to do. Everything. All right. Because I love you. I love you too, Cleveland. What's going on? I can't see. Thanks for putting me in the back. Ha-ha-ha! She bought it. [LAUGHING] I wish you could've been here when I gave that stupid lioness speech that you wrote. I'm the one who was willing to kill her to see if she was faking it. And I played the redneck hayseed. Here's to dum-dum, the love of my life. I'll teach him to wash my dishes in my house. Wait. What the fuck am I doing?