The Intimacy Acceleration


 * Amy: I just about an experiment design to see if you could make two people fall in love in a matter of hours.
 * Leonard: That doesn't sound right. My research has shown that it takes three to five years of shameless begging.
 * Penny: Honey, neither of us come off good in that story.
 * Raj: Yeah, I saw that article you’re talking about. Uh, the participants ask each other a series of questions designed to promote intimacy…
 * Amy: And they finish off staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes.
 * Sheldon: Oh, that’s nonsense. I proclaimed my love for you. And the last time I looked into your eyes was when you thought you had conjunctivitis.
 * Amy: Other than the fact that I had it, that was a magical night.
 * Penny: Raj, would you ever try an experiment like that with Emily?
 * Raj: I don’t need science to win her heart. I have my family’s wealth for that.
 * Leonard: I’m telling you, you can’t create love in a few hours. Right?
 * Penny: Careful, you’re poking at the whole foundation of “The Bachelor”.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, but we don’t have to debate this. We’re scientists. We can conduct our own research. I propose we imprison two street people…
 * Amy: No.
 * Sheldon: And.. You didn't even let me finish.
 * Amy: Forget it.
 * Sheldon: Oh, so you can experiment on all the apes you want but if I want to manipulate the emotions of two captive human beings, suddenly I’m the monster.
 * Raj: Why don’t you just do the test?
 * Sheldon: In the interest of science, I would be willing to.
 * Penny: What? You’re okay with an experiment where you have to answer awkward questions about your innermost feelings?
 * Sheldon: Yes.
 * Penny: Please, can I do it with him, please?
 * Leonard: I've been listening to Sheldon’s feeling on things for ten years. Tag, you’re it.
 * Raj: Yeah, but what if the experiment works?
 * Penny: I’m not gonna fall in love with Sheldon.
 * Amy: That’s what I said. But before I knew it he pontificated his way into my heart.
 * Sheldon: Um, fun fact – “pontificate” comes from the Latin word “pontifex” which means “bridge builder” or “pope”.
 * Leonard: In love yet?


 * Raj: Given the choice of anyone in the world whom would you want as a dinner guest?
 * Leonard: Hmm. I can honestly say Penny.
 * Amy: Oh…Then I chose a janitor cause I’m about to throw up.
 * Leonard: I’m in love. Let’s do something else.


 * Howard: (he's yelling with huge fury) Are you kidding me?! You lost my mother’s ashes?!
 * Baggage Clerk Woman: (almost on the verge of tears) No, I’m just saying that sometimes bags are misrouted.
 * Howard: All right, fine. Where did you misroute the only woman who ever loved me?! The first, well, first, I meant first.
 * Baggage Clerk Woman: I just need some information. Uh, what’s the flight number?
 * Bernadette: Eight sixteen.
 * Howard: I really did mean first.
 * Bernadette: Just drop it.
 * Baggage Clerk Woman: And can you describe the bag?
 * Bernadette: Um, well, it’s, uh, black. There’s a red ribbon tied to the handle.
 * Howard: The world’s greatest mom is in the shoe compartment!


 * Penny: Question one. Given the choice of anyone in the world whom would you want as a dinner guest?
 * Sheldon: Mmmm. Living or dead?
 * Penny: Just says “anyone in the world.” I guess it means living.
 * Sheldon: Ah, it’s just as well. As much as I’d love to meet Euclid - inventor of the Geometric proof – he probably wore sandals and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh I know. The person I’d most like to have dinner with is myself.
 * Penny: You sure that’s your choice? Cause I've had that dinner.
 * Sheldon: Well, I haven’t. While they say never meet your heroes, I just don’t see how I could disappoint. So who would you choose?
 * Penny: Robert Downing, Junior.
 * Sheldon: Oh. I didn't think of Iron Man. You know, maybe after myself and I have dinner we could meet you two for dessert.


 * Sheldon: What would constitute a perfect day for you?
 * Penny: Uh, well. I’d probably sleep in, do a little yoga, then lie on the beach while cute cabana boys brought me drinks and probably get a massage and cap off the night with some dancing.
 * Sheldon: That’s it?
 * Penny: Yeah, why?
 * Sheldon: You didn't mention Leonard.
 * Penny: He’s there.
 * Sheldon: I don’t think so. Leonard can’t stand yoga, the beach, massages or dancing.
 * Penny: Yeah, well. He brought a book. SO what’s yours?
 * Sheldon: Uh, I wake up, I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup. Uh, then a worm hole opens up and whisks me millions of years into the future where my towering intellect is used to save he last remnants of mankind from a predatory alien race.
 * Penny: Interesting you didn't mention Amy.
 * Sheldon: Who do you think made the French toast with butter and syrup?


 * Hostess: You are about to enter the lab of the late Dr. David Saltzberg. While conducting studies on slowing the aging process there was a catastrophic accident and he died. Or did he?


 * Sheldon: If you could wake up tomorrow having gain anyone quality or ability what would it be?
 * Penny: Well, not to steal from the Bible, but turning water into wine sounds pretty good.
 * Sheldon: I don’t think you’re taking this seriously.
 * Penny: Come on, I’m just having some fun with you.
 * Sheldon: I believe what you’re doing is using humor to avoid vulnerability.
 * Penny: Fine. Honestly, if I could have one quality I wish I could be as smart as you guys.
 * Sheldon: Ha, keep dreaming!
 * Penny: Sheldon!
 * Sheldon: I’m sorry. That was me having fun with you. Look. You may not be as academically inclined as are we - Yes, that’s how you say it. – But you possess an intelligence I envy, which leads me to my answer. I would choose the ability to read people’s minds.
 * Penny: Well, I can’t read people’s minds. Actually, that’s not true. I can read men’s minds, but only it’s usually the one thing.
 * Sheldon: When are we going to get robot eyes?
 * Penny: You’re all alike.
 * Sheldon: Well, what I meant was…I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like I can’t always tell if someone is only joking or laughing art me. You know, like, uh, if they’re mad I've done or if they’re in a bad mood. It’s incredibly stressful.
 * Penny: Really? You always seem so confident.
 * Sheldon: Well, I’m not. And if I could read people’s minds life would be so much simpler.
 * Penny: Well, now I wish had the ability to make that stuff easier for you.
 * Sheldon: Thank you.
 * Penny: Wow, I just felt this wave of affection for you.
 * Sheldon: You sure it’s not too much Bible juice?
 * Penny: And the wave is gone.


 * Baggage Clerk Woman: Mr. and Mrs. Wolowitz? As far as I can tell, your bag arrived in Los Angeles.
 * Bernadette: So, where is it?
 * Baggage Clerk Woman: I don’t know, perhaps somebody took it off the carousel by mistake?
 * Howard: So, some stranger has my mom? Is that what you’re telling me? My poor mother can be anywhere in Los Angeles right now?!
 * Baggage Clerk Woman: I, I wish I was telling you that. Um, but the passenger could’ve gotten on an international flight.
 * Howard: Oh, okay, great. So, your entire job is to find lost luggage, and you’ve narrowed down the location of my mother to the planet Earth!
 * Baggage Clerk Woman: I’m sorry. W-would 500 frequent-flyer miles help? That could get you to Sacramento.


 * Zombie: Solve puzzle too fast. Slow down.
 * Leonard: Yep, got the code.
 * Zombie: Just saying, no refund for finish early.


 * Bernadette: Sure you don’t want to go home? When the bag’s returned, they’ll deliver it to us.
 * Howard: No, I’m not leaving without her.
 * Bernadette: All right, we’ll wait.
 * Howard: I could’ve driven her.
 * Bernadette: What?
 * Howard: The day she left for Florida. She asked me to drive her to the airport. I was too busy. And I made her take a cab. I was too busy.
 * Bernadette: (emotionally) There’s no way you could’ve known. Be right back. (walks up to the desk) Excuse me?
 * Baggage Clerk Woman: Yes?
 * Bernadette: (furiously) You better find my husband’s mother, because one way or another, we’re walking out of this airport with a dead woman!


 * Penny: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?
 * Sheldon: So, it would be today? Huh. Well, I guess there’s something satisfying about dying on my birthday.
 * Penny: Today’s your birthday?
 * Sheldon: Yes.
 * Penny: Well, that’s always been a secret. Not even Amy knows.
 * Sheldon: Well, I don’t enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yelling “Surprise!” fills me with more dread than the words “George Lucas Director’s cut.”
 * Penny: So why did you finally tell me?
 * Sheldon: The point of the experiment is to be completely honest with each other.
 * Penny: Well thank you for sharing that with me. I won’t tell anyone.
 * Sheldon: Thank-you.
 * Penny: That is so funny. I would never pegged you for a Pisces.
 * Sheldon: You’re making it difficult to love you right now.


 * Baggage Clerk Woman: Great news, your bag was returned.
 * Howard: Oh, thank God. It’s okay, she’s here. Ma’s here.
 * Bernadette: Okay, thank you so much.
 * Howard: (feeling emotional) Ma, I’m sorry I didn't take you to the airport. I just want you to know that I’ll never forgive myself for being so selfish. And I promise to keep you close for the rest of my life.
 * Bernadette: (feeling discomfort) Oh no. That thing’s gonna end up in my bedroom.


 * Penny: And begin. (they stare quietly for a few seconds) This is kinda creepy.
 * Sheldon: We’re not supposed to talk during this part.
 * Penny: Sorry.
 * Sheldon: (after another few seconds of silence) This is kinda creepy.
 * Penny: Do you want to stop? I know you have trouble with eye contact.
 * Sheldon: Well. You have a brown fleck in your right eye that looks like a Formula One race car. SO I’m just concentrating on that. Plus it’s easier around people I’m comfortable with.
 * Penny: Ah, sweetie. I’m comfortable around you, too.
 * Sheldon: Of course you are. I’m warm and soothing. I’m like a human bowl of tomato soup.
 * Penny: I meant more like a little brother.
 * Sheldon: Oh. Well, I do suppose I think of you like a sister. And sometimes a mother.
 * Penny: It’s getting creepy again. {Later}
 * Sheldon: What?
 * Penny: Just thinking about the day I met you and Leonard.
 * Sheldon: It was a Monday afternoon. You joined us for Indian food.
 * Penny: Can you believe it’s been eight years?
 * Sheldon: Yeah, and you’re still eating our food.
 * Penny: I can’t remember a time you guys weren't in my life.
 * Sheldon: I remember it perfectly. But I have an eidectic memory. If you’re interested I also remember how much you owe us for the food.
 * (The timer goes off)
 * Penny: That’s it. That wasn't so bad.
 * Sheldon: No, it wasn't. Uh, now let’s tabulate the results of the experiment.
 * Penny: Okay.
 * Sheldon: I think it’s safe to say you’re not in love with me and I’m not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences.
 * Penny: Well, maybe. But I’m still glad we did it. I do feel closer to you.
 * Sheldon: And I you. And yes, that’s how you say that. Yeah, so given our new found intimacy I’d say we have some hard choices to make.
 * Penny: Like what?
 * Sheldon: Gary Con, do we fly or drive? Do we wear costumes? And id so.. Who gets to be Gary?
 * (Penny rolls her eyes while smiling in amusement)


 * (The ending scene in the hallway).
 * Sheldon: Thank you for walking me home.
 * Penny: I just want to make sure you get there safe.
 * Sheldon: Well, this is me. It’s been a very interesting evening.
 * Penny:: It really has.
 * All (Raj, Emily, Leonard, Amy): SURPRISE!
 * Sheldon: (screams) Aah!
 * (All of Sheldon's questionnaires fall out of his hands and onto the floor. Leonard grins for a second and Sheldon turns back to Penny)
 * Sheldon: (he yells angrily at Penny) And after I let you be Gary!
 * (Penny shrugs happily without a single thing to say)