No Wait, He Has A Cane

1 [Whirring] [Title music] [Whirring] Man: It's alive! [Thunder rumbles] I thought Greg said he was coming to the party. Hey, speak of the devil, did you just get here? Nope, been here for a few hours. Eric and Diane were still setting up. So embarrassing. Oh, sorry, I was talking to Greg. Oh, this happens to me a lot. [Grumbles] - So, you got any coke? - Yeah, we're gonna go over there now. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool, cool, cool. Any good PokÃ©mon around here? Woman: Speak of the devil, you look great. Thanks. I got a treadmill desk. God! Nobody's talking to you! Jesus! - You mean me? - No! - Got any coke? - Got any coke? - Oh, man. - Oh, man. Driving west, eh? - Excuse me? - Your suntan. Looks like the sun's always been to your left. What's the most you've ever lost on a coin toss? [tense music] Heads, you win. Tails, you die. It's illegal to deface currency. The coin will now decide your fate. - Heads. - You don't call it. I said it's heads, you win, tails, you die. - Tails, then. - Why would you even pick - the "tails, you die" side? - Let's say it's tails, you win. No, I've already defaced the tails side. Why not cross out the head side? The head's your victim, and you're gonna cross him out, you see? I-I'm just gonna toss the coin now. God Ah. Wait. Ah! I guess it was tails after all. [Telephone ringing] - Hello? - Eight days a week. It was some dude doing kind of a British accent. [Growling] Whoa! Whoa! What is that?! - It's me, Ringo Starr. - Ringo? Oh, I get it. You came out of the TV like "The Ring," but you're Ringo. Goddamn it, are we in a "Robot Chicken" sketch? What? No, it's really me, Ringo, and I've come to kill you with my drumsticks, 'cause I play drums for The Beatles. I heard on a podcast that the "Robot Chicken" director, Tom Sheppard, thinks he does a spot-on Ringo. Maybe he forced it into an episode. Tom's a great guy. He drives a sweet brown Porsche, but that's not me. I'm Ringo. - What songs did you write? - Just off the top of me noggin, there's "Hey Hey We're The Beatles. " - Monkees. - Oh, well, uh, I definitely wrote "MMMBop. " MMMBop, we're The Beatles MMMBop, we're The Beatles - No. - Hey, I know a fun game. Who wants to lend Tom some bail money? His sister killed a guy. [Music playing] Tyler: Ah, yeah. Grandma: Tyler, what's going on in there? Nothing, Grandma! I'll be out in a minute! Yeah - Tyler, are you Aah! - Get out, get out! [Both scream] Sinner! Get out of my house, and don't come Bach! Classical music pun. Wink. Today, we're surprising supervillain Mister Sinister to take his style into the 21st Century. Why am I here? I look good. Well, you've been nominated by your best friend, who thinks your wardrobe was assembled by a vengeful blind monkey. He's been wearing the same thing since the '80s. Culture Club is over, Karma Chameleon. Isn't your costume from ancient Egypt? It's vintage! What's the story with the cape? Is it a sad story? It feels like a sad story. It's got a real car-washy vibe, you know? And later, Mister Sinister debuts his new look to some old friends. OMG, hot dad alert. I am programmed to fuck hot dads! [Whirring up] Uh, someone want to unplug that thing? - Fucking run! - Aah! Papa, I don't want to kill nothing. I ain't gonna hear no more of this sissy talk. You are a cake hunter like your pappy and your grandpappy before you, and that there is a four-tier beaut. Take the shot. This is "Cake Hunters. " [Gunshot] Hoo-whee! First try. Oh, my God. She was a mother! Oh, yeah, looks like we got ourselves dessert for a week. - Oh, no, they're just babies! - Fuck. She's still alive. [Cake roaring] [Screaming] - Lava cake! - It's kill or be killed, son! Oh, it's red velvet. So moist. It's such a beautiful cake. Aw, I just wanted a tower of MoonPies. [Cake roaring] [Screaming] Oh, no! It's the papa cake, and he's mad as hell! Fucking run! Jon, I think I see the White Walkers in the distance. Worse. White Joggers. - White Joggers? - Aye. They run in packs, or what they call pace groups. - But don't they get thirsty? - They've set up water stations along the way with energy drinks for electrolytes. - How do they keep going? - Most of it's mental, Sam. That's why they scatter bands and cheerleaders to keep their spirits up. How can we ever win against any of them? We have to run, Sam. Daily runs. But then also, once a week, we should try to run, like, oh, 12 miles and increase our long runs by 2 miles each week, and then and only then do we stand a chance of placing in the top-10 of our age group. Will you train with me, Sam? Oh, no, that sounds hard. I'm gonna go be fat downstairs. [Laughs] [Shrieking] Is this why they say don't put all your eggs into one basket? This is why they say don't steal eggs from Satan's chicken coop. [Trilling] [Screaming] Welcome back to "Pictionary. " Mary and Bronson Pinchot just scored big on the word "banana" with some hilarious guesses we may have to bleep. Next up is Bob with one of those Septapod aliens from "Arrival. " - Hi. - Here's your word. [splurt] - Circle! - No, it's not circle. Uh, ring! No, the letter "O"! Balls! Is it a ball? - It's not a ball. - Uh, apple? The sun? A hula hoop? No, uh, ball. Oh, I already said ball. Why couldn't I get Erik Estrada? Time's up. The word was "dog. " Oh, you suck. Next up is a good friend of mine. Doesn't get out much. Very pale. [Chuckles] Give it up for The Joker. [Cackles] Thanks, Dom Irrera. What a great crowd. Hey, what's the deal with airline peanuts. Are they airlines or peanuts? Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, am I right? [Laughs] Hey, you ever had a bad date? My worst date is April 15th. Tax day! [Cackling] Uh [Sighs] I think I'm going to cut my time short, folks. I can't give you what you want. I can't make you laugh because I'm not funny. Sure, I-I tell jokes all the time, "Joker here!" and all that. But the jokes are a way to distract myself from the pain I feel, the look in someone's eyes when I'm about to end them, you know? You know that look. It's not fear. It's sorrow sorrow that they'll never hug their kids again or see another sunrise. You can't have someone look at you like that and not feel it. So when that time comes, I start joking about whatever I can think of, funny or not, because if I'm laughing, I can't hear myself crying. [Crying] - Oh, wow. - Wow. Time's up, Joker! [Screaming] Tip your waiters! [Pop music playing] Oh, my God. I love this. - [Music shuts off] Aw! - What the fuck? Girls, every time I'm on carpool duty, we listen to your tunes. Dad, don't embarrass me in front of my friends. This week, I'm gonna introduce you to an old buddy of mine by the name of Bob Dylan. [Man mumbling indistinctly] [Girls groaning] This is torture! Sorry. I can't do this. [Horns honking, tires screeching] - Breanne just killed herself! - Dad, please change it. In the '60s, this was revolutionary stuff. See you on the flip, bitch. [Man continues mumbling indistinctly] [Whistles] Steffy just jumped into that truck! I think she's selling her body for a ride! Some say Dylan was the original rapper. - No, they don't! - I wish I was stronger. Raina! Freedom! [Eagle screeches] Dad, Raina just got carried off by an eagle! You're ruining my life! When Dylan went electric, people said he was ruining his life. - Instead, he's bigger than ever. - You made me do this. Whoa! [Screaming] [Mumbling] I normally don't play funerals, but I-I heard Carly was a fan, so - Oh, so sad - [Muffled yell] No, I'm not!! [Muffled screaming] Grizzlor, come in! You are the centerpiece of my next great scheme. [Sighs] [Laughs] - Oh, my God! Oh, my God. - Fuck. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is gonna be so good! Check it out. Step one we reduce you with the shrink ray. Two you infiltrate Castle Grayskull, and you shave off He-Man's pubic hair while he sleeps, then toss it out the window to me. Three, I cast an evil spell on He-Man's shaved pubes while you pose as his pubic toupee. [Laughs] A merkin, it's called in show biz. - Okay, I want to hit pause right there - Then we pull a switcheroo! Glue the magic pubes back on, and viola! I think it's pronounced "voilÃÂ . " When I play this enchanted trombone, his pubes will explode and blow his nuts right off! [Laughs] Oh, this year's jazz night at Castle Grayskull is going to be very memorable, indeed. [Cackles] I want to go on record I hate this plan. But you'll make the Snake Mountain Wall of Fame for sure. Who the fuck is that kid?! Oh, photo that came with the frame. It's a good-looking kid, though. [dramatic music] [slow fiddling] [High-pitched] Skeletor, I made the switch! Why are you shaved into a heart? I had to match what was already there. Trust me, I learned way more about He-Man than I wanted to. [Laughs] Goodbye, He-Man's balls. [Inhales deeply] [Trombone blaring] Oh, no, my dick! [Gasping, grunting] - Ow! Ow! - Not totally what I was going for, but based on how my plans usually fall apart, I'm gonna call third-degree burns on He-Man's schvonce a win. It is good to be back. Grizzlor, uh, what the hell is moving around in your fur? Oh, sick! I must've caught crabs from He-Man's bush, - and the growth potion made them huge. - Stop fucking narrating and get these crotch lobsters off me! Aah! Someone get water! [Yelling indistinctly] [Laughs] This was a pretty baller jazz night. Ba-bawk bawk bawk, ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk, ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk, ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk - Ba-gawk! - Bawk.