The Adhesive Duck Deficiency

(At the hospital)

Sheldon: All right, there's no need to bark at me.

(Back to his seat with Penny)

Sheldon: According to the inexplicably nurse irritable nurse behind the desk, you'll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack, but appears well enough to play Doodle Jump on his iPhone.

(Filling up the form)

Sheldon: We have to fill these out. Describe illness or injury.

Penny: I dislocated my shoulder.

Sheldon: All right. And how did the accident occur?

Penny: You already know that.

Sheldon: (Filling it up). Cause of accident: lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?

Penny: No.

Sheldon: Kidney disease?

Penny: No.

Sheldon: Migraines?

Penny: Getting one.

Sheldon: Are you currently pregnant?

Penny: No.

Sheldon: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy

Penny: (Giving him the look) Change migraine to yes.

Sheldon: When was your last menstrual period?

Penny: Oh. Next question!

Sheldon: I'll put "In Progress." Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders. List all major behavioral diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etc.

Penny: Oh my God, what the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?!

Sheldon: Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.

Penny: Ass.

Sheldon: Possible Tourette's

(Sheldon opens Penny's bathroom door.)

Sheldon: Hello.

Penny: (Sits in the bathtub with her right shoulder dislocated) I slipped in the shower and I think I dislocated my shoulder.

Sheldon: Not surprising. You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction.

Penny: What??

Sheldon: Tubs are slippery.

Penny: I know, I slipped.

Sheldon: I have a series of whimsical duck stickers on the bottom of my tub.

Penny: Yeah. Whatever. Can you just turn the water off and help me up?

Sheldon: (Turns the water off) They're holding umbrellas.

Penny: (sits up) What???

Sheldon: (helps Penny up) The ducks in my tub.

Penny: Uh-Huh!

Sheldon: They're whimsical because ducks have neither the need nor the ability to use umbrellas.

Penny: Oh my gosh, I need to go to the emergency room.

Sheldon:  Well, assuming you're correct that your right humerus is no longer seated in the glenoid socket, I would certainly think so.

Penny: OK, Can you drive me?

Sheldon: I don't drive.

Penny: WELL, I CAN'T DRIVE.

Sheldon: Well, it seems we've reached an impasse.

Penny: OW!!! (right shoulder hurting)

Sheldon: (stuttering) Uh... But I could call you a cab or an ambulance.

Penny: No no, I can't wait that long, you have to help me, Please?

Sheldon: (sniffles) Alright, let it never be said that Sheldon Lee Cooper ignored the pleas of a  damsel in distress.

Penny: No one is saying that. Let's go (Walks to bedroom)

Sheldon: But it seems rather ironic that for want of 99 cent adhesive ducks we both might die in a fiery car crash.

(Sheldon is helping Penny get dressed to go to the hospital, Sheldon has his eyes closed at Penny's request so that he cannot see her naked.)

Penny: Okay, now you've gotta help me get my arm into the sleeve.

Sheldon: Okay.

(Sheldon grabs what he thinks is Penny's arm, but is actually her breast.)

Penny: Is that my arm?

Sheldon: Doesn't feel like an arm...

Penny: Then maybe you should let it go...

Sheldon: All righty... (He lets go and clasps his hands to his chest.)

Sheldon: The "Check Engine" light is on; we need to find a service station.

Penny: No, the light's been on since I bought the car.

Sheldon: All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes!

Penny: It's not gonna explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.

Sheldon: Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise, he was a science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise's "Check Engine" light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately!

Penny: Oh, God. I'm gonna lose the arm.

(Leonard, Raj and Howard are watching Dune.)

Leonard: Too bad Sheldon couldn't come with us.

Raj: Yeah, it's just not the same without him.

(Silence for a second and then the three guys start laughing).

(Leonard and Raj sitting alone.)

Leonard: I wish Penny didn't have to work, she loves camping.

Raj: Yeah, that would be great: you and Penny having sex in the tent while I sit out here and watch Howard hump a cactus.

(Leonard, Raj, and Howard wait for the meteor shower already stoned by the cookies.)

Leonard: Stars are pretty, aren't they?

Howard: Up above the world so high. Like little diamonds in the sky.

Raj: Ooh..That's beautiful, dude. You should write that one down before someone steals it.

Howard: So when do the meteors get here?

Raj: The meteors don't get here, the Earth is moving into their path.

Leonard: I can feel it. I can feel the Earth moving...It's moving too fast, Raj slow it down.

Raj: (makes a weird face while facing the sky and holds it for a few seconds) How's that?

Leonard: Better...

(pause)

Leonard: Stars are pretty, aren't they?

Raj: (chuckles)

Leonard: What's so funny?

Raj: Because with your American accent everything you say sounds stupid. ''(Laughs a little and impersonates Leonard). ''Stars are pretty, aren't they? (He and Howard laugh hysterically and Leonard joins in a few seconds later).

(The guys are sitting on a bunch of rocks, looking at the sky.)

Raj: If I could speak the language of rabbits, they would be amazed and I would be their king.

Leonard: I hate my name. It has "nerd" in it. LEN-"NERD."

Howard: I lost my virginity to my cousin Jeannie.

Raj: I would be kind to my rabbit subjects. At first...

Leonard: You know what a cool name is? Angelo. That has "angel" and "Jello" in it.

Howard: It was my Uncle Murray's funeral, we were all back at my Aunt Barbara's house, our eyes locked over the pickled herring, we never meant for it to happen.

Raj: One day, I hold a great ball for the President of France. But the rabbits, they all hate me and don't come. I'm embarrassed, so I eat all the lettuce in the world and make them watch.

Leonard: People could call me Angie. "Yo Angie, how's it going?"

Howard: To this day, I can't look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed. (sighs) Cousin Jeannie...

(Howard's eating pudding while Leonard searching the cooler.)

Howard: Anything?

Leonard: No, that was the last pudding cup.

Howard: No...what about Slim Jim's?

Leonard: ''(Looks up at Howard and points at Raj). ''That's what he used to eat his pudding, remember?

Raj: Right, that was so good... sweetie and meaty at the same time.

Howard: So what your saying is, we're out of food?

Leonard: The only things in here are these blue ice packs. (passes one to Raj)

Raj: I know they're poison but they look like big, yummy otter pops!

Leonard: Oh, I'm so hungry.

Howard: Me too. (Gets an idea). Let's see if we have anymore pudding.

Leonard: (Looks at Howard for a few seconds). Okay.

(The guys are sitting at the campfire hungry and Howard is drawing a plan in the dirt.)

Raj: Oh, I'm soooooo hungry.

Leonard: Will you shut up; we're all hungry!

Howard: (finishes drawing the plan) Okay, our objective is the Boy Scout camp to the east, big doughy scout masters, couple cubs, mostly Webelos.

Leonard: What kind of score are we looking at?

Howard: Hot dogs, buns, s'mores, I mean it's a freakin' 7-11.

Leonard: Okay, everyone grab flashlights.

(They all go to their backpacks to get their flashlights, but Howard finds something even better).

Howard: Oh my God, can it be? Yes! My mother put an "I love you brisket" in my backpack!

(Leonard and Raj run over to Howard).

Leonard: Quick, get forks!

Howard: Ya don't need forks; it's so tender it falls apart in your hand.

Raj: ''(Grabs a piece). ''He's right!

(They all eat the brisket but then stop and stare. Meanwhile, the meteor shower is occurring).

Leonard: I feel like we're forgetting something important.

Raj: Me too, but what?

Howard: ''(Checks his backpack again and pulls out a Tupperware). ''Maybe, a Tupperware full of roasted potatoes and carrots!

All 3: Yeeeessss!!!! (They eat happily away at the potatoes and carrots.)

(Raj is telling a story in front of the campfire. Only Leonard is paying attention while Howard isn't.)

Raj: And the next morning... when he woke up... he rolled over and realized... dun dun dun... she was his cousin.

(Raj and Leonard laugh while pointing at Howard.)

Howard: That's still not funny.

Raj: (impersonating Howard's American accent) That's still not funny. (He and Leonard laugh harder.)

Howard: She was my second cousin.

Raj: (still impersonating Howard) And she was my second cousin. (He and Leonard laugh hysterically.)

Howard: (to Raj) You're a real douche.

Raj: Who cares, you slept with your cousin!

(Raj and Leonard roll around laughing.)