Megalomaniacs Anonymous

Brain: INTERRUPT THE FLOW OF ELECTRICITY. [COUGH COUGH] NO, NO, NO! WAIT. I'LL USE ELECTRONIC OSCILLATIONS TO CREATE A MOLECULAR CHANGE IN LIQUID HAND SOAP, CAUSING EVERYONE'S HANDS TO STICK TOGETHER. NO! A BANDWIDTH OF 37 ISOBARS WOULD NEVER PENETRATE ROOMS LINED WITH CERAMIC TILE. WHAT AM I THINKING? AAH! IT'S NO GOOD. [COUGH COUGH] I'VE GOT TO FIND A PLAN. I'VE GOT TO--OOF!

BRAIN, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME YUMMY FOOD PELLETS? YOU CAN HAVE YOUR CHOICE OF RAW OR UNCOOKED.

NOT NOW, PINKY.

WELL, I COULD SAUTÉ THEM WITH A LITTLE THREE IN ONE OIL. YOU USUALLY LIKE THAT.

COOKING! THAT'S IT-- THE BEGINNING OF MAN'S INEXORABLE ADVANCEMENT TOWARD CIVILIZATION.

POIT! AREN'T YOU GOING TO ASK ME IF I'M PONDERING WHAT YOU'RE PONDERING?

I'LL USE THOUSANDS OF TINY CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS TO COOK ALL THE CANS OF SODA IN THE WORLD, CAUSING THEM TO EXPLODE ALL AT ONCE, AND--YES! AND-AND AND THEN WHAT? [COUGH COUGH COUGH] [COUGH COUGH COUGH]

OH, LOOK! POIT! THE HAPPY FOOD PELLET AEROPLANE IS FLYING IN FOR A PERFECT LANDING IN BRAIN'S MOUTH! VROOM!

I SAID NOT NOW, PINKY. CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT I'M DOING?!

UM,SPITTING A BIT WHEN YOU PRONOUNCE THE LETTER "D"? PARDON ME, PINKY [COUGH COUGH COUGH] BUT I'M TRYING TO COME UP WITH OUR NEXT PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

OH. THAT AGAIN?

YES, PINKY. AGAIN. AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN UNTIL I SUCCEED. PRECIOUS HOURS ARE TICKING AWAY. MY DESTINY IS SKIPPING OFF INTO THE SUNSET BEFORE MY VERY EYES.

NARF! HOW ROMANTIC, BRAIN. JUST LIKE DUSTIN HOFFMAN AND THAT CAMEL IN ISHTAR.

THAT'S RIGHT, PINKY, JEST. MAKE JOKES AT MY EXPENSE.

I WASN'T JOKING, BRAIN.

WHY NOT? THE WHOLE UNIVERSE IS PLAYING A LITTLE COSMIC JOKE. "WE'LL GIVE BRAIN AN OBSESSION WITH TAKING OVER THE WORLD "AND THEN NEVER LET HIM SUCCEED. HA HA HA HA HA HA!" ISN'T IT FUNNY? LAUGH WITH ME, PINKY. LAUGH WITH ME. HA HA HA HA HA! [FORCED]

HA HA HA HA.

HA!

HO HO HO!

EVERYONE'S LAUGHING. LISTEN.

HA HA HA! HA! HA! HA HA HA! HA HA HA!

THE WHOLE WORLD IS--

OHHH!

OH, WHAT HAVE I DONE? PINKY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

UH-HUH! NARF! BUT I'M AFRAID MY SECRET PLAYHOUSE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

OH, IT'S ALL MY FAULT. THIS OBSESSION WITH TAKING OVER THE WORLD IS CAUSING ME TO HURT THE ONES I TOLERATE.

[STATIC] MY FRIEND, ARE YOU TIRED OF FEELING LIKE YOU HAVE TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD?

YES.

MY FRIEND, ARE YOU TIRED OF HURTING THE ONES YOU TOLERATE? YES!

I'M DR. EDWARD BELVEDERE, AND MEGALOMANIACS ANONYMOUS MAY BE ABLE TO HELP YOU AS IT'S HELPED SO MANY OTHERS.

HI. MY NAME'S AL, AND I USED TO WANT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD. I'M IN CHARGE HERE! ME! ME! ME! SO THERE! PLFFTT! THANKS TO THE HELP OF MEG-ANON, I'M NOW THE HAPPY OWNER OF A FLORIST'S SHOP NESTLED IN THIS LOVELY STRIP MALL JUST OUTSIDE THE BELTWAY.

IF YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH TAKING OVER THE WORLD, CALL MEG-ANON TODAY FOR A MEETING NEAR YOU.

PINKY, ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING?

I THINK SO, BRAIN. NARF! BUT DON'T CAMELS SPIT A LOT?

I WASN'T SPEAKING OF STUBBORN DESERT RUMINANTS, PINKY, BUT OF MYSELF, AS SIMILAR AS THE TWO SUBJECTS MAY SOMETIMES SEEM. I KNOW NOW WHAT I MUST DO.

MY NAME IS BRAIN, AND I WANT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

HI, BRAIN.

HI, BRAIN.

HI, BRAIN.

DOES ANYONE WANT TO SHARE?

ME!

ME!

OVER HERE!

I'VE GOT SOME CHARTS AND GRAPHS SHOWIN' MY PROGRESS SINCE I GOT WITH THE PROGRAM HERE. YOU SEE, MY PROBLEM WAS A LACK OF SELF-ESTEEM. I THOUGHT I WAS JUST A WEIRD-LOOKIN' LITTLE GUY WITH BIG FLOPPY EARS. BUT SINCE I MET BRAIN HERE, I LOVE ME! HA HA HA HA HA!

PLEASE, ROSS, MY FRIEND, YOU CAN'T MAKE ANY JUDGMENTS ON OTHERS. TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF, BRAIN.

I'M A GENETICALLY ALTERED LAB MOUSE WHO'S SQUANDERED HIS LIFE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

BRAIN, MY FRIEND, STOP BEING SO HARD ON BRAIN. COME FROM A PLACE WHERE YOU'RE AS BIG AND GOOD-LOOKING AS YOU NEED FOR YOURSELF TO BE.

I KNOW HOW BRAIN FEELS. I USED TO BE A TOUGH GUY, TOO. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BUT, IT WAS ALL ANGER DISPLACEMENT. SINCE I JOINED MEG-ANON, I'VE TURNED MY BOMB SHELTER INTO A REALLY COOL REC ROOM.

I WAS TRYING TO RULE THE WORLD WITH MUSIC. BUT SINCE I MET DR. BELVEDERE, I'VE STOPPED DOING THE VOGUE AND STARTED DOING THE FAMILY CIRCLE. I REALLY LOVE ME.

THIS IS ALL SO INSPIRING.

YOU WANT TO LET GO OF THIS CONTROL ISSUE DON'T YOU, BRAIN?

YES.

YOU'VE BEEN OBSESSING, BRAIN, STRUGGLING WITH DEEP-SEATED GUILT, MANIPULATED BY YOUR EMOTIONS.

YES!

THEN, OWN YOUR POWER, MY FRIEND. STAND WITH YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD AND FIND PEACE IN THE OUTER WORLD.

YES! I MUST RELEASE MY CONFLICTING ISSUES AND LEARN TO LOVE ME!

[CHEERING]

I DON'T BELIEVE IT. I'M SPEAKING IN IDIOTIC PSYCHOBABBLE, AND YET I FEEL STRANGELY HAPPY.

OH, THANK YOU, BRAIN! WHAT A LOVELY SWEATER! YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER REALLY WORN CLOTHES MUCH, BUT THEN I'VE NEVER HAD SO MANY LOVELY SWEATERS FROM WHICH TO CHOOSE.

YES, PINKY, AND AFTER I'VE PERFECTED THE KNIT-O-MATIC, ALL OF OUR FRIENDS WILL HAVE SO MANY LOVELY SWEATERS FROM WHICH TO CHOOSE. AND ANGORA SOCKS.

OHH! FOR ME, BRAIN? POIT! OH, HOW THOUGHTFUL.

BUT I NEED SOMETHING MORE SUBSTANTIAL TO DO WITH MY NEWFOUND FREE TIME AND SENSE OF WELL-BEING. AND THAT'S WHY TONIGHT I'M LAUNCHING "BRAIN CARES," A NON-PROFIT FOUNDATION DEDICATED TO REHABILITATING THE VICTIMS OF MEGALOMANIACS EVERYWHERE. I HAVE ENTERED INTO THE COMPUTER ALL OF THE CHARACTERISTICS NECESSARY TO DETERMINE JUST WHO IS THE MOST PATHETIC, CODEPENDENT VICTIM ON THE PLANET. WE WILL HELP THAT INDIVIDUAL TO BECOME SELF-RELIANT AND LIVE IN THE PRESENT.

OH, GOODY! I LOVE PRESENTS!

EGAD, PINKY. IT'S-IT'S YOU!

YAY! POIT! HA HA HA HA!

DON'T YOU SEE, PINKY? I'VE PERPETRATED A HEINOUS CRIME. YOU HAVE BEEN NAMED THE ULTIMATE CODEPENDENT VICTIM!

THANK YOU, BRAIN.

COME, PINKY. I MUST MAKE AMENDS FOR THE DAMAGE I'VE DONE AND REPAIR YOUR BROKEN SPIRIT.

NARF! WILL THIS INVOLVE POWER TOOLS?

PINKY, IN ORDER TO BE SELF-RELIANT, YOU MUST LEARN TO BE ASSERTIVE.

UM, YOU JUST LIE THERE AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE, MR. CHEESE! POIT. IS THAT ASSERTIVE, BRAIN?

YES, BUT YOU MUST BE ASSERTIVE WITH THINGS THAT CAN ANSWER BACK.

OH. THAT'S HARDER THEN, ISN'T IT?

NOW, FOR THE PURPOSES OF OUR EXERCISE, I WILL PORTRAY MR. RAMPLING, AN UNCOOPERATIVE CABLE REPAIRMAN.

AND I SHALL PLAY MR. GOOGLY-EYES, FIDGETY ACCOUNTANT BY DAY AND CAPED CRUSADER BY NIGHT.

NO, PINKY. YOU MUST PLAY THE CUSTOMER I HAVE WRONGED.

OH. RIGHT.

NOW, LET'S BEGIN OUR LITTLE SCENE. SORRY, BUDDY. I CAN'T FIX YOUR CABLE 'CAUSE I AIN'T GOT THE PART ON MY TRUCK, EH?

HELLO, MR. CABLE REPAIRMAN! I'M THE FRIENDLY CUSTOMER. WON'T YOU COME IN AND HAVE A SNACK?

PINKY, THIS IS ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING.

OH, RIGHT. SORRY, BRAIN. UM, MR. CABLE REPAIRMAN, YOU MUST COME IN AND HAVE A SNACK. POIT.

ARE YOU SURE THIS IS FOR THE BEST, BRAIN?

YES, PINKY. IN ORDER TO BE SELF-RELIANT, YOU MUST MOVE INTO YOUR OWN HOME.

ARE YOU GOING TO COME HOOK UP THE CABLE?

I'M NOT REALLY THE CABLE REPAIRMAN, PINKY. WE WERE JUST PRETENDING.

OH. RIGHT.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE KNITTING TO DO.

KNOCK-KNOCK! I THOUGHT I'D POP IN FOR A DRINK OF WATER, ZORT, SEEING AS I DON'T HAVE A WATER BOTTLE. HA HA!

IF I LET YOU HAVE THE WATER BOTTLE, WILL YOU BE ABLE TO STAY IN YOUR OWN HOUSE WITHOUT VISITING EVERY OTHER MINUTE?

BUT WHAT WILL YOU DO WITHOUT A WATER BOTTLE, BRAIN?

I'LL WALK THE 2 1/2 FEET TO THE SINK. AFTER ALL I'VE DONE TO YOU, IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO TO HELP YOU BECOME SELF-RELIANT.

UHHH! UNHUHHH! UHH!

SEE, BRAIN? POIT! IT WON'T FIT.

THIS REQUIRES MY SOPHISTICATED KNOWLEDGE OF PHYSICS. PUSH, PINKY.

UHHHH UHH! HUH.

UM, CAN I STAY AT YOUR PLACE FOR A WHILE, BRAIN?

THE TIME HAS FINALLY COME, PINKY. IN ORDER TO BE FULLY SELF-RELIANT, YOU MUST GO OUT THERE AND FACE THE WORLD ON YOUR OWN.

BUT, BRAIN, WITHOUT YOUR GUIDANCE, MORAL SUPPORT, A-AND ALL THOSE LITTLE BLOWS TO THE HEAD?

CARPE DIEM, PINKY. YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR OWN DESTINY.

AAH! [WOMAN SCREAMS]

Man: A MOUSE! GET HIM!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

UHHHNAARRFF!

PINKY!

OHHH.

YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES FOR ASSAULTING THIS POOR INNOCENT SOUL.

OOH!

IF I RULED THE WORLD, PEOPLE WOULDN'T STEP ALL OVER THE LITTLE GUY.

REALLY, BRAIN?

PINKY, I'VE BEEN MISTAKEN.

MY QUEST IS NOT AN OBSESSION. IT'S A MISSION OF MERCY.

I DON'T WANT TO RULE THE WORLD FOR MY OWN EGO, BUT TO MAKE IT A BETTER PLACE. MAYBE A LITTLE BIT FOR MY OWN EGO. COME, PINKY. WE MUST GET TO OUR KNITTING AND PREPARE FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.

OOH! AND JUST WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TOMORROW NIGHT, BRAIN?

THE SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY, TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

YAY! HA HA HA!

THEY'RE DINKY THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN!