Daffy Duck Esquire

Daffy! You don't gotta shout. I'm right here, man. - Why are there lobsters in my swimming pool? - Because your bathtub wasn't big enough. There you go. Just like the ocean. - Why do you have lobsters at all? I'm gonna sell 'em. Lobsters go for $20 a pound. I bet this chubber bubber will fetch 100 bucks easy. A relatively painless way to make a living, If I do say so myself. Ow! Blaah! Relatively painless. The Looney Tunes Show, Season 2, Episode 13 "Daffy Duck Esquire" Go. It's Tina. - Oh, hey. Let me ask you something. If someone were to turn their bedroom into a nightclub, Would you be into that? - Don't turn your bedroom into a nightclub. I said, "someone. " - Listen, there's something I gotta talk to you about. My dad's coming into town. Oh, meet the parents. How long's he here? A week But you're not gonna meet him. - Wait a second. You didn't tell him about us? - Yeah. I told him I have a boyfriend named Daffy Duck, And that's all he needs to know. Are you ashamed of me? You think your dad won't like me? Why? 'cause I ain't got no class? 'cause I ain't got no money, no job, no education? Yeah, all that stuff. - Well, your dad sounds very judgmental. - Look, Daffy, those things don't matter to me. You know I love you, but my dad's tough. He doesn't think anyone's good enough for me. I'll call you when he leaves. Hey, dad! So glad you made it! People need to chill out. Aah! Hey, Bugs. What you doin'? - I'm going to the beach to set some lobsters free. Oh, fun. I'd love to come with you, But I'm allergic to shellfish. Uh - Hey, Daffy. You and Tina wanna do something with me and Bugs this week? - I'm not allowed to see Tina this week. Her dad's in town. So? - She doesn't want me to meet him. She doesn't think he'll like me. - Well, you're gonna have to meet him at some point. I mean, don't you plan on being with Tina forever? I hope so. Well, then, at some point, You're gonna have to ask him For his daughter's hand in marriage. Do people still do that? - Daffy, Tina's not gonna wait on you forever. She's a catch. You are lucky to have her. I mean, you ain't got no class. You ain't got no money, no job, no education. So what do I do? - I don't know, but if you wanna keep Tina, Then you're gonna have to convince her dad That you're good enough for her. See that place over there? - You mean that rinky-dink copy store? That's where I work. I'm the assistant general manager. - Well, as far as I'm concerned, you shouldn't have to work. That so-called boyfriend of yours, He should be the one taking care of you. Dad, I like working. - And what does this Daffy Duck do for a living, anyway? Tell me. Oh, you know, stuff. - Stuff? What do you mean, stuff? Are you telling me that he's unemployed? - Dad, Daffy's a good guy. He's-- - A lawyer? - A what? - Why didn't you tell me he was a lawyer? I mean, that's fantastic. This is great. When am I gonna meet this wonderful person? Oh, you know, I don't know. I'm sure he's very busy being a liar. I mean a lawyer. - Honey, a young man is never too busy To meet his girlfriend's father. Remember that. I can't believe that you're dating a lawyer. I can't, either. Oh, hi, Tina. So you're here to see Daffy? Is this your dad? Hi. I'm Lola, Daffy's secretary. Can I get you a cup of coffee or a banana milkshake? A coffee is fine. - Uh, Mr. Duck, we have some visitors. - I'll be right out. Let me just wrap up this call With the supreme court. You must be Mr. Russo. It's such a pleasure to meet the father Of the most wonderful woman in the world. You can call me Frank. - We saw your face on a bus bench. Oh, that was Lola's idea. Gets the firm's name out there. Nothing wrong with a little hustle. Am I right, Frank? - Well, this has been a lot of fun, But we gotta get you checked in to the hotel. - Hotel? Hush. You can't stay at a hotel. You'll stay at my house. No, no, no, no. - Oh, no, really? Oh, that would be great. I--I hate hotels. Then stay at my place. - Honey, your apartment is too small. That's why I was staying at a hotel. - No, no. I insist you stay at my house. What good is it to be successful enough to own your own home With a pool in an upscale neighborhood If you can't share it? - Then it's all settled. Now come on, Tina. We've taken up entirely too much Of this fine young man's time. Ahem. Lola, Will you get judge judy on the line? And I'll have another banana milkshake. Are you Daffy Duck? Do I look like Daffy Duck? I just need a signature. What did he order now? Bring her in! Bring who in? Bugs, I'm home! Hope you didn't make a big dinner. I'm kind of filled up on banana milkshakes. My pony's here! He's great. It's a she. She's great. Why did you order a pony? - Pony rides can be very lucrative. We got Gossamer living across the street. He's got a bunch of little kid friends. We charge 'em 10 bucks a ride, Bing, bam, boom, money in my pocket. Well, you're the one who got rid of the lobsters. Where's she gonna sleep? Out here with taz. Don't worry about it. It's not your problem. No, wait. Right now, I've got my hands full pretending to be a lawyer, So it is your problem. - Why are you pretending to be a lawyer? - Because Tina's dad is in town, and I need to impress him. That's them now. Oh, one more thing. I told him he could stay here while he's in town. Why did you do that? I can't lose Tina. I need him to like me. fine. - Oh. I also told him this is my house And you're my loser, deadbeat roommate Who I'm letting stay here until you get back on your feet. I'm not just successful, you know. I'm also compassionate. Frank. - What in the world is that ridiculous thing in the driveway? - Oh, it's my-- I mean, it's, uh--it's, uh - It's my parade float. I made it out of old newspapers. It seemed like a good use of 21/2 years of my life. - Oh, you. You must be the deadbeat roommate. It's awfully nice of Daffy to let you stay here. Ho ho ho. You have no idea. I don't have to pay for anything around here-- Rent, food. I just take, take, take. Ah, Daffy's a saint to put up with me. Wow, Daffy, You have some beautiful home here. - Thank you very much. I like it. Let me get you something to drink. - Mm-hmm. And what is it that, uh, you do again? Nothing, really. I mean, I've gone months without leaving the house. Until this morning, I was running a lobster farm out of the swimming pool, But now I'm on to pony rides. Next week, who knows? You see, I'm more of an idea guy Than a hard-work, follow-through kind of guy. Come on. I'll show you the pony. Huh. Would you look at that? No telling how old this is. Want a bite? I think your dad likes me. - Are you out of your mind? Pretending to be a lawyer? - Tina, everyone knows that a father Wants his daughter to be with either a doctor or a lawyer, And I couldn't pretend to be a doctor, Because the last time I did that, I almost killed someone. I'm gonna almost kill you. This is crazy. I thought you'd be happy. I swear I can never predict your reaction to things. So this is your plan? Just lie to my father for the rest of your life? - I'm doing this for us. I want your dad to like me So that he'll say yes when I ask for your hand in marriage. What? Relax. Not now. One day in the future, when you have a better job And you can afford to give us the lifestyle we deserve. Well, I'm not a real wizard. It just says that on my business cards. - Dad, are you sure you don't wanna stay with me? - No, no, no, honey. I'm fine, believe me. Daffy'll take good care of me. You don't hear that every day. - Sorry I have to work tomorrow. - We'll be fine. It'll give your dad and me A chance to hang out. - Uh, don't you have to work tomorrow? Oh, right. I'm a lawyer. - What time do you usually get in to the office? - I don't know. Usually roll in around noon. He's at his desk at 6:30. - In the morning? - Don't look at me. I didn't tell you to become a lawyer. Night! Good night, Frank. Nighty-night, guys. - Hey, Bugs, thanks for going along with the charade. I owe you one. Don't mention it. I'm serious. If you ever need legal advice, You know who to call. An actual lawyer. Oh, right. What are you doing? This is my room. - If I'm gonna pretend to be you, Might as well get into character. Sheesh. I really am filthy, aren't I? I should have pretended to be a doctor. I have good news. Tina's dad went home early, And I can get back to my old life? No. We got our first client. - Client? Who told you to get a client? I thought we agreed never to answer the phone. - But you said you were bored. I thought you'd be happy. Swear I can never predict your reaction to things. Daffy's one disturbed individual. What you reading there? - My diary. I'm learning a lot about myself. I wear a toupee? Really? Well, it's a really good one. I mean, I would have thought that was your real hair. - I didn't know you were a lawyer. I am this week. So let me get this straight. You burned the roof of your mouth On a slice of hot pizza, And now you want to sue Pizzariba. Why didn't you just blow on it? No one told me to. I need to be protected from myself. My mouth is ruined. I can't talk no more. You're talking right now. Well, uh, I can't taste nothin' no more. mmm. This is good banana shake. You can really taste that banana. - I don't know. Suing Pizzariba? It just doesn't seem right. Speedy's a decent, hardworking person. I've known him for years. He lives in my house. - How many of you are livin' over there? - Let's see. There's me, Bugs, Speedy, Frank, and taz. Oh, and we just got a pony. So will you take my case? - I'm sorry, but Speedy's a friend. - Come on. I heard about this lady Who burnt her tongue on a cup of hot coffee, And she won a million dollars. A million dollars? Lola, why don't you go ahead and draw up a contract? You got it. I'm sorry. What's a contract? Hoo! Oh, hey. Where you going? - Work. - Work? It's Saturday. We were gonna spend time with my dad. - Tina, you knew when you decided to date a lawyer That there would be sacrifices. For me, I'm afraid it's career, then family. I've always been upfront about this. - There's nothing upfront about this! It's a giant lie! - I'll try to get home early, but I can't promise anything. Dad. Bugs. We're out here, honey. What are you doing? A pony ride. Honey, I grew up in the concrete jungle. I've never been on one of these things. I've never seen one of these things. I mean, this is great. You wanna go next? No. I'm good. Hmm. - So Daffy can't hang out with us today. He's gotta work. - Wow. That kid really keeps his beak to the grindstone. Hey, Bugs, how 'bout you? You got any plans today? Oh, I never have plans. Well, that's great. Come on. Let's go grab some lunch. - I'll drive. - Let's take the pony. Can you believe this guy? What a guy. No, I really can't. Come on, Tina. I'll meet you there. Giddy-up! Yah! Yah! Giddy-up! Yee-hah! One slice of hot pizza. And we'll see just how hot. What are you doing? What's this? You just got served. You're suing me? On behalf of my client, Who is Samuel Rosenbaum? Our next-door neighbor sam. - Yosemite? He wants me to pay him a million dollars because my pizza's hot? It's supposed to be hot. Blow on it. - It's just business, nothing personal. - Ok, then you just got unserved. I'll see you in court. You're not a lawyer. Tell it to the judge. - We'll now hear opening statements In the case of "Samuel Rosenbaum Vs. Speedy Gonzales, proprietor of Pizzariba. " Mr. Duck, you may proceed. Thank you, your honor. The evidence that I will present to you today Will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt That this gentleman, "Speedy Gonzales," Knowingly and willfully Served my client dangerously hot pizza With no warning and with no regard For the physical and emotional trauma that followed. I will prove that Mr. Gonzales' carelessness Was no accident, But instead the direct result Of his endless need for speed. We will show you That had Mr. Gonzales simply taken more time Between the oven and the table to allow the pizza to cool, Then this senseless tragedy could have been avoided. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Mr. Gonzales likes to brag That he's the fastest mouse in all of Mexico, But this is America, And in America, speed can kill Or, in this case, burn. Thank you, your honor. Tchk. Mr. Gonzales. - Uh, yeah, he's not a real lawyer. - Hmm. Well, then this case is dismissed. Wow, that was fast. I didn't even have time to get business cards printed. What about my million dollars? Why didn't you tell me you weren't a real lawyer? Raah! Get them out of my courtroom. tsk tsk tsk. Gringos. - What's the problem? You went up the stairs. - Wish you didn't have to go, dad. - Oh, me, too, honey. It was such a fun trip. attagirl. - Sorry you didn't get to spend much time with Daffy. - Yeah, you know, honey, it seems to me that, uh, You don't get to spend much time with Daffy, either. - Huh? - Sweetheart, I used to think that you needed a guy with a good job, Good education, someone who could support you, But what good is any of that stuff If you never see the guy? Seems to me that Daffy is always working. And besides, you can support yourself. You're smart. You've got a good job. What you need is someone fun, Someone who keeps life interesting, Someone who makes you laugh, Someone a little crazy Someone like Bugs. - Bugs? - Bugs?! Frank, you got it all wrong. I made up the whole thing so you'd like me. I'm not a lawyer. This isn't even my house. This is Bugs' house. I'm the deadbeat roommate. I'm the one who ain't got no money, no job, no education. I'm the one for Tina! Wait a second. You lied to me? - He was afraid if he was himself, You wouldn't like him. I was, too. - Dollface, do you love him? - Mm-hmm. - Well, then that's all that matters. - And how 'bout you? You got any other secrets That you're not telling me about? Huh? Ah, boy, I like this guy. I'm watchin' him, but I like him. Me, too. So get this. Tina's dad likes the real me more than the fake me. - Does that mean I can stop pretending to be you? Yeah. Thanks again. - Eh, it was kinda fun, actually. Though I wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to do with this. My killer whale!