A Whole Slotta Love

1 So when they asked me to train the new hire, Diane, I was like, "Get me a beef sandwich, Diane!" Then Diane send Dick to get the sandwich. Diane totally gets how things work at the CIA. Sorry, Francine, what did you ask me? I asked you to let go of my wrist. You tried to take a waffle, and I'm first waffle guy. Stan, can I catch a ride? Got my first shift for Southwest Airlines today. What? You don't know anything about being a flight attendant. But I do know comedy. And that's all that matters at Southwest. With you there, people should check their sensitivities at the gate. Oh, my God, that's like a perfect Southwest joke! I want that joke! Give me that joke! Ugh! You're getting syrup in my hair! Somebody help her! You can use it! Jesus! Yay! And as a thank you, I'll tell you how to get your seat upgraded without paying a dime extra. ANNOUNCER: That's right, "American Dadders. " There's all kinds of travel tips the airlines don't want you to know about. For instance, guns aren't allowed on planes, so if you can get one on, you'll have a tremendous amount of leverage. Then you can sit wherever you want. (panting) Whoa! I was paralyzed for, like, 10 seconds. I couldn't move. Did anyone else see that? I thought I had a stroke. (patriotic music plays) Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U. S. A. Aah! Good morning, U. S. A. Hey, I'm training Diane at the gun range tonight, so I'm gonna be late for dinner. Unless I eat with Diane. Then we'll just eat when we're hungry. Stan is spending a lot of time with this Diane person, don't you think? Klaus, when you're married to a sexy man, there's always gonna be some bush league snizz trying to storm the castle. Aren't you worried? Yeah, I'm worried. I'm worried about Diane's hospital bills. Oh, shit! Girl don't play! What's the plan?! I think that's a question for my girlfriends. Oh, getting the war counsel together. Merlot for my girls and for me, a little bit of Francine's private reserve. (groans) Ooh! Hoo! Wha! Francine! Sharon! What up, Franny?! Caroline! - Where's Connie? - Hey, y'all. Television star Connie Britton, you made it! TOGETHER: Friends, friends, friends! (mumbling incoherently) He said he's taking her to the range, but he left his white leather shooting glove at home. So let's call him up, catch him in his lie. Good idea. - (line ringing) - STAN: Hello? Honey, how are you going to the range with Diane tonight when you left your shooting glove at home? Excuse me? I-I don't understand. I said (mumbling incoherently) Honey, you sound stressed. Maybe go for a nice long drive. He's playing dumb. Good-bye, Stan. This Diane's a serious threat. Hey, I'm the serious threat. Go take care of business. Punch her in them floppy tits! (mumbling) Ooh. It looks like the bank's open. And the beauty parlor. Time to put away laptops, tablets, and mobile devices. But if you've still got a BlackBerry, keep that out, 'cause I'll be coming around with a trash bag real soon. (chuckles) If you need anything, just call me or any of the other flight attendants. We all go by, "Uh, excuse me, Miss?" Even Trevor, who told me in confidence that he identifies as a female. Trevor! (chuckling) See that? I crushed! God, what a high. You're cute. How about after we go wheels up, I come in there and go heels up, and you can unload your passengers at Gate "A. " Donna forgot to mention, if we lose cabin pressure, strap on your mask to start the flow of oxygen. But if oxy-gin isn't your brand, we've got Tanqueray. That's how I get through these flights. (laughter) What the Trying to show me up?! Oh, it's on. Thanks, Karen. Don't worry about correcting me in front of a plane full of assholes, 'cause I checked my sensitivity at the gate. 'Cause you check things at You know, I'm not explaining. Is it Is it hot in here? Is this a hot plane? Whatever Donna's drinking, I hope the pilot didn't have any. (laughter) (laughs) Damn it! Looks like another late one with Diane. FRANCINE: Stay as late as you need to, dear. I'll just be here at the house, the one we built together as a committed, loving couple. Yeah, I love that place! Maybe I'll watch that show "House," or "House of Lies. " Oh, no, no, no! Don't talk about "House of Lies. " I'm only halfway through season one! La la la la la! (ding) STAN: Oh, yeah. Come on! Yeah. That pig! Oh, God, I'm gonna finish in record time! He never finishes fast with me. Can I help you? I don't think so. I'm here to deal with Diane. - That's me. - No, you're not. Diane's in there, finishing off my husband. I'm obviously not in there with Stan. You're as bad a liar as he is. Now, excuse me while I bust you guys! Stan? Francine?! I-It's not what it looks like. It looks like you're playing with little toy cars. On the contrary. This is a slot car a 1/32 scale McLaren M7 with magnetic suspension, 2. 4 volt engine, and a real European Oh, wait. This is a toy car. This is all the stuff I said before. And when I put it on the track, it goes fast. Oh! Ooh! Oh! Oh! So you're not hooking up with her. I wish! Yeah! And you're not interested in him. (laughs) Little tiny car guy? No. He's all yours. Oh. Great. My car has been slippy on this turn. - (fabric tears) - Francine, my pants ripped. Go to my desk, in my top drawer, there's a pair of sky-blue wrinkle-release Dockers. Underneath that is my "Phantom of the Opera" long sleeve t-shirt. Please bring it immediately and tie it around my waist. Wow, you must be so relieved. To go from thinking your husband was cheating on you to realizing he's an amazing athlete. But But why didn't you tell me about this? Because I knew you'd try to talk me out of racing Lonny Bulmanferg at the Altoona Grand Prix. Lonny Bulmanferg? Let's push him out of our minds for one night. Maybe with a sex. (groans) Ah, pins and needles, pins and needles! Ah. My legs are useless. Could be a great opportunity for you to ride me. But first, go to my study, in the right desk drawer, underneath a pair of pleated burgundy Dockers, you'll find my lovemaking sandals. What is that? Freakin' Bulmanferg. Prepare yourself for a rage boner, Francine. I got to go to the bathroom. Make sure you use the wet wipes just in case I want to go mousing around down there. Here I come, ladies. (gulping) (grunts) Girl, what are we doing here? You don't have to worry about Diane. She thinks Stan's a real zero. - Problem solved! - Or is that the problem? One of the things that thrilled me about Stan was other women finding him sexy. Like having my own Chris Hemsworth. If you want that thrill back, you could sexy up Stan. Take him to get a makeover! To the mall! (slurred) To the mall! All right. Roger said we can all fly for free somewhere, so we need to agree on a place to go. I vote for Na Pali State Park. Wait, that's what I was gonna say. So was I! This is crazy! Hawaii TOGETHER: Here we com Pack your bags, we're going to Fort Worth. - What?! - Fort Worth?! Okay! You said we could go anywhere we want. And now I'm saying that you're coming with me to laugh at my jokes because Karen is trying to drop a wet deuce on my dreams! If I wanted to hear jokes, I'd go to Snot's stand-up show. He's got a He's got a new bit about (chuckles) how how bands at weddings, since they they just do cover songs are basically juke boxes that only take hundreds. (chuckles) He can make jokes out of anything. Guys, guys, you know me. Do I respond rationally when a new thang I'm into is met with resistance? - (choking) - So how about it? Are we all going to Fort Worth via Buffalo? Let him go! Okay, okay, I'm checking in now! - You, show me your laugh. - (forced laughing) That's great! You're doing it! - (gasping) - You guys are gonna love it. I start with stand-up, and then I move into improv, which I've been really flowing on lately. Check it, give me one word to start. Um cactus. Perfect, cactus. I'm choking this cactus! Francine, why are we here? I need to work on my slot cars. I just thought you could do it in cooler shoes, a V-neck sweater, and jeans so tight you have to put your dick and balls down different legs. Let's just hurry this up. Mel's counting on me to be ready for this weekend's race. Mel? Mel's my lane monkey, grooms the track, greases turns. Can't grease too much, though. The cars can shoot off the track. One car hit a guy in the arm once. They stopped the race so his mom could blow on it and give him some Gatorade. Excuse me, see that guy over there? I need you to make him irresistible to women. Super jump. So what do you think he'd look good in? A coffin. Oh, damn! Do you have this in green? (slurping) I don't understand why you have to wear that fanny pack over your new suit. You want me to carry hundreds of tiny screwdrivers in my pockets? - Are you crazy? - (fabric rips) Oh, my pants just ripped again. How?! You're just sitting there. I got a weird ass. We've wasted the whole day at the mall. Now I've got to rush to the airport. Well, if you got to wear the fanny pack, why don't you pop on these aviators or maybe go sleeveless. My sleeves! You know how cold I get! (shivering) Suck it up, Stan! You're turning women off all over town! You said I look like Chris Hemsworth! I lied! You look Elliot Hemsworth! Elliot? He's the disgrace of the Hemsworth clan. They tried to remove all trace of him on the Internet. With good reason! He's not an actor. He's just a doctor. (gasps) Well, you're a doctor, too! Dr. Evil! "One million dollars!" That's you! (sobbing) Can't you be the guy who other women want again? - We can fix this! - We? Hey, I don't have to fix anything. This is your problem. I'm just trying to live my life and race my car. Not worry about whether women find me attractive. Well, they don't! - WOMAN: Hey, Stan! - Mel! (squeals) I am so excited for Altoona! Tell me about it. I'm ready to run through a brick wall. Oh, Mel, this is my cruel wife, Francine. So nice to finally meet you. What the We should go, Stan. Yep. Right behind ya. Just how I like it. (giggles) Kidding! That's Mel? Yep, she's my lane monkey and does some T3 raid racing herself. Sorry, slot talk. Probably not doin' it for ya. Why wouldn't he tell me about her? STEVE: Mom? Don't look at her, don't talk to her. Her thing doesn't concern us. We're not talking to her. (tires squeal) Oh, Stan! You can drive me anywhere. (engine revs) I want to go there. Ooh, wee Ooh (giggles) Stan! Stop! Stan, stop right now! But you're the one driving. Ooh, wee Ooh, wee (giggles) Faster. Faster! No, no. Oh, no, no! Oh, my God! I drove him toward - (screams) - Hey, Francine. Wake up, wake up, wake up! It's okay, you're awake! I've been experimenting with steroids. It's awesome! Now I wear tank tops with the thinnest straps you've ever seen. You okay? You've been so quiet. I had a big fight with Francine. She said some things that have me wondering if (imitates tires screeching) Aw! Did wittle Stan Smith have a fight with his wittle wife? You don't even have a wife, Lonny. That's 'cause I don't want one! I could have any girl in this place! I'm the only girl here. Are Are you asking me to marry you? Just worry about the race and the killer joke about your name that Stan's got locked and loaded for after he wins. Good luck. People have been trying to make fun of the Bulmanferg name for years, but it's bulletproof! And you're not gonna have a chance anyway. 'Cause you're a loser a real Elliot Hemsworth! Turbo boost! (zooming) Elliot might be a doctor now, but here's still time to turn his life around. (sighs) Julia Child didn't blossom till her mid-40s. Yeah, and Judi Dench this is a fact, I read it simply did not exist until she was 56 years old. I've driven Stan into the arms of some skank who actually cares about all his stupid stuff! Oh, there's an easy way to fix this. Just sleep with one of his coworkers. That works. Or the super-ripped fish. He's hot. Or someone closer to him, like his little buddy, Steve. No, I'm not sleeping with Steve! What am I doing? Drinking Windex and fertilizer and talking to the voices in my head?! This ends now! - No! - No! We'll be waiting for you in Hell! You will weep before the Dark Lord! Your arms are too thick for that dress! Everyone thinks so! I'm gonna go get my husband back! Klaus, you're in charge. I'm taking control of my life. You see the pool, right? Then there's James Michener. He didn't write his first book until he was 40. Helen Mirren wasn't hot until she turned 70. Yeah. Stan, you have a long list of late-bloomers. (sighs) Can I ask you a question? Do you think I'm attractive? Stan, you're the first white man I've ever been attracted to. I appreciate that. (cellphone rings) It's Francine. I should take this. Don't think about Francine. You've got the biggest race of your life tomorrow. You need to relax. Hey. I've got a naughty idea. (whispering) And them first class be like spoiled little kids. Spoiled little kids sitting there all, "Where's my apple juice?" (forced laughter) Exit row gets it. Meanwhile, coach passengers be like, "Can I have a seat? Can I have a seat? Just one little seat. Just one big enough to put my butt cheek on while first class drinks their apple juice. " (forced laughter) I hope that's the only crash landing we experience today. (laughter and applause) We'll be touching down in Fort Worth soon. A funny name, because any reason "worth" visiting must be hidden in a "fort" somewhere. (laughter and applause) (slot cars zooming) MAN: Four laps to go, they're neck and neck! This is crazy! Here they come! The yellow car won. Wait, i-it's over? Did I win? Did you have the yellow car? - Yeah. - Then you won. Yes! All right, Stan. You bested me. But the Bulmanferg name remains indestructible. I wouldn't be so sure Foolmanferg. You have destroyed me. Look for me in the obituaries. - Yes! - You did it, Stan! Mel, I can't stop thinking about what we did last night. I feel terrible. It was a one-time thing, no one has to know. I'll know. Forget about him. You need a real man. What do you say we go up to my room and you take my virginity. (sighs) Francine?! Stan, I'm so sorry. (sobbing) Francine, I cheated with Mel! Oh, God! I knew it! I threw it all away. I had it all, and I threw it all away. (sobbing) No, it was my fault! I pushed you away. We can come back from this. We can rebuild! No, it's over, Francine. We have to get a divorce. I won't fight you for custody. You can have them. I can't believe this is happening! Mel said it wouldn't be such a big deal if we stripped everything off. Ah! Stripped it off! And shaved down the axle. You shaved down the axle! And we added tack to the tires so we wouldn't lose speed on the turns! Tack to the tires?! I should have let you do that to me! Wait. Are you talking about cheating at slot cars? Yes, my title means nothing. I'm a fraud! Oh, good. Our marriage is fine. Stan, I was wrong for trying to change you. I'll see you at home. (groaning) (sobbing) How did this become so important to me?! Remember, our menu is 100% gluten-free because food is 100% not available. (laughter) That's it! Ha ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha. How about a little dark humor? 10 minutes ago, I initiated an engine failure which will make the plane lose hydraulics, release shrapnel into the ductwork, and start an uncontainable fire. (all gasp) And for my closing joke, a 30,000 foot drop to your death. Thank you, you're a wonderful audience. (all screaming, alarm ringing) You see my set? I killed! Yah! (bleep) me. (screaming) (laughter) They're laughing. (laughing) They're all laughing. Oh I see a white light. White light be all, "Um, can you come towards me, if it's not too much trouble?" Black light be like, "Get your ass over here!"