A Short Story and a Tall Tale

Whoa, what's going on here? [GROWLING] [HISSES] Oh, hey, Rallo. We're just gonna watch a tiger fight a Komodo dragon. Roberta, light the ring. [BELL CLANGS] All right, but why is this happening in our living room? We do stuff like this every night after you go to sleep. Wait a minute, what time is it? Eight-twelve? It's past your bedtime. Who wants a snow cone? Rallo, why are you still awake? You get up to bed right now. - But, I wanna watch - Baby, you're little and you need sleep. I'm tired of being treated like I'm a second-class citizen because I'm little. Drinking out of sippy cups, painting with my fingers Cleveland putting me in a cage. CLEVELAND: Not a cage, it's a crate. Rallo, the reason little people have no rights is because your brains are small so you're not very smart yet. Do we at least have time for a story? [SIGHS] Fine. "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. CLEVELAND: Release the beasts. [TIGER GROWLS THEN ROBERTA CHEERS] Ooh, there was a needy man and a homosexual tree that never had the guts to make its move, the end. Oh, man. CLEVELAND: Look, the dragon's sprouting wings. So's the tiger. Hop on, Junior, we're flying to the moon. JUNIOR: Yay! [SINGING] My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friend and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES] Hey, hey, boss man. - You wanted to see me? - Please, Cleveland, sit down. Hmm. Unh Hmm. Oh. Hmm. Unh! - Cleveland, you're black, aren't you? - Yes, uh-huh. Well, I don't want to sound racist but the company got two courtside tickets to the NBA All-Star Game in Los Angeles and I'd like to give them to you. Is there sodomy involved? No. I just thought someone of your hue would enjoy watching some basketball. Well, you've got that right. Thanks, you racist son of a bitch. [SINGS] All-Stars, Hollywood Courtside, courtside Going to a ball game. Florence, send in Jose. I want to give him a Datsun pickup truck filled with alley furniture. Hop up. No way, I'm not getting in here. I'm a growing-ass man. - Come on, get in the cart. - You get in the cart. These people don't know me. - Stranger danger, Amber Alert, child abuse. - I will hit you, get in. Fine. I'm gonna do my own shopping. Get some name brands. How bad you want it? Ha, ha. Tough guy, huh? Keep it. Typical. They only got one small cart left. Why? Because nobody gives a crap about us little people. I hear you, man, just take mine, I don't got no money anyway. Thanks, slick, the name's Marty, Marty Body. Montclair Tubbs. But everybody calls me Rallo. Walk with me, Rallo. You're allowed to drink? Of course. Why wouldn't I be? Because you're little. Shoot, my old lady won't let me do anything. What a disgrace. No one should tell one of us guys what we can or can't do. Okay, Marty, I got the menthols, pudding and condoms. Let's go. Damn, Marty, you got it going on. Hey, you can too, Rallo. Call me some time. There you are. How many times have I told you not to go wandering off? - You're not the boss of me. - The hell I'm not. Don't you make me spill my wine. I wonder if I can smoke in here. [BURPS] Oh, nightgown? Like I'm sleeping with Gargamel. - What are you doing? - Not you, Dumbledore. Check this out, got a little competition going. I had each of the guys make a video about why I should pick them to come with me to the NBA All-Star Game. Why should you take me to the NBA All-Star Game? Because some white men can jump. [YELPS THEN GRUNTS] HOLT [ON TV]: And now, from Stoolbend Junior College at 5'3" and a half, Holt Screw this, next. Hey, Cleveland, you should take me to the game. But don't take it from me. Take it from number-one Laker fan, Jack Nicholson. You can't handle, uh, the truth. Here's Johnny. I am an aging icon who at this point is more tolerated than admired. Hold up, you got two free tickets to the All-Star Game in Los Angeles? I've decided on my own to take Donna. Oh, Cleveland. You're worse than one of Ben Franklin's non-famous sayings. If you put your penis on something, it's yours. No one else can eat it. Go on, write it down. And because he was a rat, he's sleeping with the fishes. [LAUGHS] Rat sleeping with the fishes, that's crazy. Ain't got no cheese underwater. [BOTH LAUGH] So, what do you wanna do? You ever play the ponies? I used to play the ponies, I'm more into dinosaurs now. You're a real screwball, you know that, Rallo? - You wanna drive? - I didn't think people like us could drive. Rallo, people like us can do anything we want. - Here, you drive. - All right. [ENGINE REVS] [TIRES SCREECH] [MARTY AND RALLO LAUGHING] MARTY: All right, all right, Rallo. Rallo's driving? That's just crazy. Arise, Cameron. You guys are going to Hollywood? - Can I? - No. I made you this locket so you don't forget me. When you close it our faces touch. [WHISPERS] And kiss each other on the cheek. [SOBS] [IN NORMAL VOICE] I'll write you every day. Junior, we're back the day after tomorrow. [WAILS] Hmm. Reminds me of you at that age. When are you coming back? - What day is it? - Tuesday. Never. [BUGLE PLAYS] - Go, six. Go, go, go. - Go, six. Come on, six. Daddy needs a new pair of Crocs. [CROWD CHEERING] [RANDY NEWMAN'S "SHORT PEOPLE" PLAYING] Short people got no reason Short people got no reason Short people got no reason to live They got little hands Little eyes They walk around Tellin' great big lies They got little noses And tiny little teeth - They wear platform shoes - Ha, ha. On their nasty little feet Well, I don't want no short people Don't want no short people [TIRES SCREECH] Thanks for the day, Marty. Should we go back and check on that guy I ran over? His sign said he was in Vietnam. I'm pretty sure he can handle it. [BOTH LAUGH] Oh, man, for a little person you sure live large. I still live with my mother. You know what? You and your mom sound way too close. You need another lady in your life. How's about you go on a date with my sister? What's she look like? You'd be doing me a personal favor. I'll pay for it, any restaurant you choose. Cheese E. Charlie's. Ha, ha. Rallo, you're a riot. Meet her there at 6. You don't mind if I take her in the ball pit, do you? [LAUGHS] I call it that too. CLEVELAND: California, here we are. [PASSENGERS SCREAMING] [SCREECHING] [BOOMS] [SPLASHES] Only survivors. Hey, look, a palm tree. Hollywood is gross. Hi. Well, the book says downtown is the new hot spot. [HONKING] This is just one overpriced restaurant surrounded by thousands of drug-using bums. [GRUNTS] How about we try Beverly Hills? [HONKING] This is all stupid Iranians and botched plastic surgeries. Let's try the beach. [HONKING] CLEVELAND: There's raw sewage running directly into the water. And everyone's swimming in their dungarees. How about we try one of L. A. 's thousands of marijuana stores. This is the greatest city in the world. [POLICE SIREN WAILS] WOMAN: Earthquake! MAN: Mudslide! I love L. A. ALL: We love it. Marty said you were cute but he didn't tell me you were drop-dead gorge. Marty suggested by his silence that you were not attractive but you're all right. [LAUGHS] I'm LOL'ing so much. I haven't LOL'ed this much in a while. Oh, it feels so good to LOL. - You guys ready to order? - I'll have three glasses of chardonnay. Uh, chocolate pizza. - So, what do you do? - I go to school. A student. Huh! Marty usually hangs out with guys in waste management. Real apes. Hey, how'd you like to visit the ball pit? I don't know, it looks like a lot of people been in there today. [LAUGHS] You're right. [MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] Cool, we're getting here in the third quarter just like real L. A. fans. And look at all these celebrities. There's that hottie Anna Torv from Fringe. Friday's at 9 on Fox, Fringe. It's about space or something. [GASPS] There's Denzel Washington. Ooh, I'm gonna give him some tonight. Get in line. Anybody else tired of always having to dribble whenever you want to move? Man, I hate dribbling. And it can't be good for the floor. Shaq's right. If we get together and say we're not gonna dribble anymore, what are they gonna do? And why can't we play in the morning and then just get on with our day? I have a garden. Flowers, tomatoes, nectarines. [HORN WAILS] [CROWD CHEERING] I like dribbling. I love NBA games. It's the only place where you can get drunk on light beer and yell at millionaire giants, watch. Hey, Dork Nowitzki. English is not my first language. What is this dork? - Uh, it means handsome. - Oh, thank you. [HORN WAILS] [CROWD CHEERING] Hey, Kevin Garnett. Smooth move going straight to the NBA instead of going to college. Good luck getting into grad school, chump. Oh, no, you do not talk to my son like that. Well, your son is shooting three for 15. What percentage is that, Kevin? He doesn't know because he didn't go to college. Do you know what percentage that is? I was a ceramics major. Sit down and keep your mouth shut, you Stanley-From-The Office- Looking-Dope. Unh. Hey, Mom, why's Stanley from The Office yelling at you? I do not look like Stanley from The Office. Seriously, I do not look like Stanley from The Office. You know, Stanley from The Office looks like our fat son. I hate this show now. [DOOR CLOSES] Hi, Rallo. How was your little date at Cheese E. Charlie's? You have fun with your girlfriend? - Yeah, we're getting married. - Don't. Oh, that is the cutest thing I've ever heard. You are quite the little gentleman. She kept saying all her friends are getting married. Something about her eggs drying up plus, she's got big boobs for a 5-year-old, so I said: "Whatever, I'll marry you tomorrow. " What's her ass like? It's important. [CROWD CHEERING] You're all terrible. Ever hear of something called defense? [HORN WAILS] Cleveland Brown, representing the 555, Stoolbend, Virginia, y'all. I'm out. The 555, y'all. I know we won but it's hard to enjoy it after that guy called me Steve Trash. He called me Dwight Coward. I know because I thought he said my name. But when I waved to him as I do whenever anyone says my name he enunciated it more clearly. And this time I realized, I'd been insulted. You know what? I'm gonna banish that guy to Jerk Island. Jerk Island? What's that? It's just a place in my mind where I send unkind people. Don't you understand, LeBron? He insulted my mother. Before I was a seven-foot millionaire NBA star I was just a scared six-foot-tall first-grader who could barely dunk. But that didn't matter to Mom. She believed in me. [SOBS] I just wish I could get through one All-Star Game without crying. Come on now, LeBron. We wouldn't be All-Stars if we couldn't access our emotions. Come here, give me a hug. We're going to Virginia. We're gonna set Cleveland Brown straight. Hey, let's hope the ref don't call us for travelling. [LAUGHING] Oh, my God, Shaq, travelling. Travelling, he says. [DOORBELL RINGS] What's up, Rallo, what you doing today? What's up, Bernard. What's it look like? I'm getting married. Married? Is she black? - No. - Oh. - Of course. - All right. Well, it's too bad you're busy because we just found ourselves a breast augmentation pamphlet. We thought we'd drive our Matchboxes over some boobs. Well, why didn't you say so? Come in, gentlemen. [SOBS] I put a wedding together on a day's notice and this bastard doesn't show? Of course he left. They always leave. Nobody wants to be Mr. Trish Body. I'm hideous. Don't you say that. You're a solid five. Let's go, fellas. We're gonna kill Rallo Tubbs. [HAWK SCREECHES] [TONY GRUNTS] MARTY: Tony. TONY: Whoa! Damn hawks. All right, everybody lock arms for safety. What a great trip. Cleveland, you have to write Mr. Waterman a thank-you note. Ah. Now it seems not worth it. [SOBBING] I want Rallo to suffer, Marty. Make him feel the pain I'm feeling now. I'm gonna go at Tubbs with all the muscle I can get. [BLOWING] [CHEERING] [SHUDDERING] [HAWK SCREECHES] - Where to? - Can you drop us off at Cleveland Brown's? Sure, I know exactly where that is. And remember, driver carries less than $20 in change. And I got family. [TIRES SCREECH] - Step aside, little man. I was here first. - Who you calling little? [WHISTLES] [GRUNTING] Hello. Unh! Shaq's in trouble. Shaq, wish yourself out of there. For the last time, Dirk, Kazaam was not real. But it seemed so real. Come on, you Chatty Kathys, we gotta help him. Ha-ha-ha. You're tickling me. - Oh, hey, hey. Oh, hey, get off. - Unh, unh, unh! - Get this guy off me, LeBron, help me. - Here you go, buddy, right there. [GRUNTING] Hey, come on, now, get off me. [YELPS] [THUDDING AND GRUNTING] Ha! You're not gonna believe this. There's a bunch of elves in tuxedos attacking NBA All-Stars on our lawn. This is the best day ever. There he is, get him. [SCREAMS] You thought you could leave my gross sister at the altar? Wait, no. Five is too young to die. Wait, what? - You're just a kid. - Aren't you? I can't believe I made this mistake again. No, Rallo. Trish and I are little people. Yeah, I'm a little person too. No, little people means we're adults who are the size of children. Oh, you mean midgets? We don't like that word. You say midget, at least people know what you're talking about. You know, you got a point. [LAUGHS] Oh, Rallo. I tell you something, you dodged a bullet with Trish. Ugh. Where's that hawk when you need him? Come on, sis. I'll wait for you. Don't. Please don't hurt me. I didn't mean what I said at the game. I had eaten six pounds of medicinal peanut brittle. We don't wanna hurt you. Neither the NBA nor its affiliates condones violence as a solution to any problem. But you did make fun of my mother and I can't let that slide. Where's your mother? - She's right here. - Oh, yeah? Well, your momma's so ugly [DOOR BANGS] - Kevin. - Mom. What are you doing here? Someone forgot to call his mother when he landed. - And someone also forgot his manners. - Unh. Apologize to this nice lady. - Sorry, Ms. Brown. - Ha-ha-ha. Oh, I'm sure my son did something to deserve it. Cleveland, is there something you want to say? - No. - Ow, ow, ow! Okay, okay, sorry for real. - Friends? - Oh, come here, you. See? - LeBron James does care about Cleveland. CLEVELAND: Ha!