The Once and Future Thing, Part 1: Weird Western Tales

David? David! Are you hiding in the garage again? Look at this mess. Come on out, David. I know you're here. Oh. Hello, dear. I was just cataloging some of my collection. Collection? Pft. Bunch of junk. It's not junk. This comb belonged to Cleopatra. And this-- This is an actual early draft of the Magna Carta. And this-- Right. Like you could afford these things on a physics professor's salary. We can't even afford the new car I want. I-I didn't buy them, Enid. I sort of took them. You robbed a museum? Is that why you're wearing that goofy cat suit? Well, sort of. Not exactly. Remember last summer when I didn't get tenure? Yeah. They thought you were crazy because you kept insisting you were on the verge of discoveringtime travel. It's my chrono-suit. I've had it working for months. I've been using it to gather treasures for my collection. And you said I was a loser. Let me get this straight: you've got a suit that lets you travel in time, and you've been using it to steal historical trash? You stupid little man! Ah! You could go back and steal gold and jewels. You could get stock information from the future. We could be rich. No. We can't use the suit to do anything that could change history. I'm careful to only take things that wouldn't be missed. Like your spine? Enid, please. Don't talk to me like that. I love-- Mother was right. I should've married Jim Dorman. He's a very successful lawyer, and you are a loser. Always were, always will be. But-- You worthless, good-for-nothing, wretched waste of space! You invent a time machine and can't think of anything useful to do with it? I can think of one thing. I can use it to get away from you! By all means, you first. Diana's carrying a grudge. She'll get over it. How 'bout you. Carrying anything? What, Shayera? We're cool. We're giving each other our space. I'm seeing Vixen now. I'm very happy. Uh-huh. Anyway, why are we always talking about my love life? What's going on between you and Diana? Nothing. She's a respected colleague. Uh-huh. I don't have time to pursue a relationship. My work is too important to allow any distractions. Diana's a remarkable woman. She's a valued friend. She's Standing right behind me, isn't she? Don't let that stop you. Keep digging. Intruder alert. Dormitory, Deck A. Intruder alert. Dormitory, Deck A. Aah! Who are you? How did you get in the Watchtower? You weren't supposed see me. Stay away! No one's supposed to know I was here. Everybody okay? Where are we? "Where"? I think the question is "when"? I have to confess. You're about the most colorfully attired individuals I've ever bushwhacked. You circus folk? Not exactly. I don't care what you are, long as you pay the toll. Toll? Welcome to Elkhorn, Oklahoma, ma'am. This here is Tobias Manning territory. You want tribute? Money? Well, I ain't particular. That fat gold chain will do just fine, unless you got somethin' else you want to give-- Those are the biggest, slowest bullets I've ever seen. You're letting them go? Hm? Oh, no. I was afraid of this. The Elkhorn Gazette. It's either an amazing forgery, or it's less than a month old. So? Look at the date. June, 1879. I have mentioned how much I hate time travel. If we don't find our sneak thief, we're stuck here. Let's head for the nearest town. See if we can find him. We can't go anywhere dressed like this. No, we can't. These shoes are killing me. You fight crime wearing high heels. High heels that fit. Aren't you going to put those on, John? Has the shower been invented yet? Somebody should tell this guy. Those empty holsters aren't going to scare anybody. You sure you don't want one of these? Positive. Let's ride. Hyah! I'm out. What's it gonna be, Earl? I'm studying it, Tobias. My pappy always said, "Faint of heart never filled a flush. " It ain't your pappy's money. Fold. That leaves you and me. What are you holding, Mr. Lash? It'll cost you another $500 to find out. Call. Four kings and an ace. Well, now, that's a mite perplexing, seeing as I got four aces and a king. Well, I've got the gun. Lot of that going around lately. Seems like a waste of a good-sized pot. How 'bout we split it and both walk away? How 'bout I keep it all? Sounds fair the way you explain it. That technology's from the future. Wait. We don't know how things work here yet. Hang him at dawn. Don't I get a trial? Sure. You're guilty. My town, my rules. Wait a minute. Can't we talk about this? How 'bout another hand? Double or nothin'! I think we know how things work here now. We have to help that man. That's not what we're here for. Someone's tampering with history. The stakes are much bigger than the life of one card shark. Then it's settled. We'll break him out after sundown. That's not going to work. I tried it. Yeah, those bars are cheap pig iron, but they're plenty strong enough to hold. At least until morning when they come to hang you. Do you mind? I'm trying to plan an escape over here. How's it going so far? I'm working on it. Quiet down in there! That's just what I was telling him. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh. Ooh. I'll get the door. Or that. I'd get out of town if I were you. I'd like to, but my pappy always said, "A man who sticks his head in the sand makes a pretty good target. " I got business to conclude before I leave. Bartholomew Aloysius Lash. Friends call me Bat. Bat Lash. I'm John. These are my friends Diana and, uh-- Bruce. We're the lawmen, looking to bring a criminal to justice. You may have seen him. He's got amazing machines. We think the man who put you in here works for him. Not quite, Wonder Woman. How do you know who I am? Because he's the man we're looking for. David Clinton, inventor of the chrono-suit, at your disposal. You tried to steal Batman's utility belt. And you chased me, but time tunnels are somewhat counter-intuitive. Even though you were only seconds behind me, I arrived here nearly six months before you did. Where's your time travel device? Now, that's a story. As soon as I got here, I was robbed. By Tobias Manning. Yes, ma'am. He took my suit and used it to take over this town. He keeps taking trips to the future and coming back with stolen technology. He keeps me here to teach him how to use the stuff that he can't work out for himself. Which, I'd suspect, is most of it, what with him being so mule-stupid and all. It's been horrible here. Humiliating. I just want to go home. I'll gladly take my punishment if you help me get back. How did Tobias take over a whole town with a time machine? Future tech, like his extra-dimensional six-gun. And his surveillance cameras. We need to go. Now. You're with us. That's a healthy gal. I've got their positions. I'm gonna take 'em down. Don't hurt anyone. We could accidentally change history. Little late for that, don't you think? Oh. Go ahead. Give me an excuse. Something's happening out there. Something's happening, all right. The cavalry's arrived. Who are you people? Sheriff Ohiyesa Smith. El Diablo, ever at the service of justice. Jonah Hex. Don't have a lot of time for jawing. In these parts, there's an abundance of bad men who need setting straight. If you all are working for Tobias, there's gonna be difficulty. Easy, Jonah. They're with me. They helped me out of a spot while I was here incognito, trying to find out more about Tobias. What have you learned? Among other moral failings, the man cheats at poker. Heh, I could've told you that. Why don't you start from the beginning? I've lived in Elkhorn since the war and sheriffed most of that time. This here's a mining town, booming too. Folks sometimes get a mite rowdy on payday, but still, it's a good place to live. There's never been any mischief here I couldn't handle until about six months ago. Tobias Manning's always been trouble. I've run him out of town before. Well, he came back, except this time he had-- I don't know, magic powers. There's no such thing as magic, my friend. It was some sort of trickery. Well, he tricked me near to death. He whipped me good. Ran me out of town like a stray dog. He took over the town. Runs it like his own personal kingdom. Treats the town people like slaves. That's unacceptable to me. The sheriff went looking for men who would help take Tobias down. He found us. What's your stake in this? We're lawmen too. From back east? Sure. We came here to bring this man to justice. Indirectly, he's the source of your trouble too. Tobias stole a weapon from him. It's the source of his magic. We'll need to take that weapon back. Since we all want pretty much the same thing, we should work together. I ain't about to turn down help. What's the plan? Plan? Heh. We put him in the ground. Fancy gun belt you got there. I'm thinking you folks are time travelers. Where would you get a crazy idea like that? Experience. I've had an interesting life. We're getting close. I want to warn you, there's some downright unusual activity going on hereabouts. Don't let it throw you. Don't worry about it. We've got a lot of experience with unusual-- I'm sorry. You were saying? We've been sighted. They'll be ready for us. I sincerely doubt that. The shots are spooking the horses. The shots are spookin' me! Hyah! Hey, tinhorn! Tobias! If it isn't Pow Wow Smith. Wasn't expecting to see your sorry hide again. I've told you before about calling me that. It ain't gonna happen again. No. I expect this is the last time. Go for your gun, chief, so I can ventilate you proper. Six guns. Six of us. Nobody miss. My guns! You and me, partner. Right now. Another day, lawman. Nova! Let him. Man needs to balance his own accounts. Have it your way. Let's finish this. This what you're looking for? Near as my ring can figure, that's everything that shouldn't be here. Shoot. I wanted me one of them fancy ray guns. Ain't dependable. They jam. Oh, you forgot to reset the compensator. Here. Let me. Or maybe I'm lying. Huh. We've been expecting you. But I bet you weren't expecting us. Static? What's going on? Dad?