Maggie's Wedding

1 Oh, Val, I am sitting on a secret for over a week now, and I cannot tell a living soul. Okay. Good cake. Niles and Miss Babcock are having an affair. ( Gasps ) With who? With each other. So where are they now? Well, he was called out of town for this big family reunion in London, and she said she'd take him to the airport in the limo. In the back. Because, all of a sudden, she was in need of duty-free L'air du Temps. Hello, hello. - Hi, Miss Babcock. - Hi, Miss Babcock. Um, Miss Babcock, did Niles get off okay? ( laughs ) Yes. ( Clears throat ) Oh, Nanny Fine, would you please tell Maxwell that there's a crack in the privacy glass of the limo? It looks to me like someone's heel went through it? The limo. I feel so bad for Miss Babcock. These are the moments that you want to share with someone close to you. You know, like your mother. Ma! Maggie, I have something to tell you. I got that modeling campaign in Japan. Oh, congratulations! What I'm about to say, your parents aren't going to like. But I have to leave in less than five days, and I can't stand the thought of us being apart for a whole year. So, Maggie? Will you marry me? - Fran: Yes! - Max: No! She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now, the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C. C. And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran This boy just asked my daughter to marry him! What do you mean, "yes?" Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie, I didn't mean to say yes before you. It's just that it's in my DNA. I hear a marriage proposal, I have to accept. Look, Margaret is entirely too young to get married. Why? I was just about her age when we got married. Well, all right, I should have been her age when we got married. Excuse me, but this is a very important moment in my life. Could we have some privacy? - Fran: Yes. - Max: No. Fine. I love you, Michael, and I would love to marry you. - Oh, my God. - Oh, my God! What's up? Come see the ring, my son-in-law is a Jewish model. Oh, my God! No one's getting married! You're getting married? I have never been this thin in a wedding photo before. How fast can you do it? We got five days to plan the wedding! There is no wedding. Are ostrich feathers politically correct after dark? - Excuse me. - Look at that ring. ( All speak at once ) Excuse me! I haven't finished here. Oh, sorry, honey. Keep talking. We're listening. - What? - I think that we should have a make-your-own Belgian waffle bar, is that perfect? What are you talking about? There isn't going to be a wedding. Would you come back here and discuss this? Where are you going? Get back here, I have not finished with this! What's all the noise about? - I'm marrying your sister. - Oh. But actually, Fran said yes and your grandmother left with the ring on and no one's letting your father talk. Welcome to the mishpucheh, bro. Margaret, you haven't even been seeing this boy for a year. How about a Cupid fountain that pees mimosas? Oh, the Schwartzbergs had that at the bris. It was very unique. ( Sighs ) I need some air. Oh, that doesn't work. Give it here. I don't understand. First you're upset because Michael and I want to move in together, and then you're upset because we want to get married? Excuse me. - Val? - Uh-huh? I'm a little bit nauseous. Do you have any soda crackers or anything? Well, I got some Cap'n Crunch in the glove department. Honey, could you get some? Now listen here, use this. I thought you said it didn't work. On the window, but it's perfect to pry open the glove compartment. How about a caricaturist for the wedding? Oh, that's so tacky, ma. Can't we just stick with the Cupid peeing? Well, I'm sorry, but I don't see a box of Cap'n Crunch in here. Oh, no, they're not in a box. They're loose. Here. Take these. Now I've had enough. I am the head of this household, and as such I have a say in the future of my eldest daughter. This will not be rushed into. There will be no wedding. End of discussion. Oh, you are going to make such a beautiful bride! This is a knock-off of the dress Melissa Rivers almost bought. Ooh! Fran, what are we going to do about daddy? He was so upset when Val dropped him off at the theater. Oh, sweetie, it's been my experience with your father that he just needs time to think about it and then he changes his mind. Fathers are always devastated when their little girls get married. But your father was happy. I said little girls. - Ugh, Fran. - Yeah? I remember the first time you brought Maggie in. You were just the nanny and I was working here behind the counter. - Yeah. - Now, you're married, you got a whole family, and I work at a donut shop six blocks closer to the bus stop. When you wish upon a star It's so fancy. Everyone will look at me. So? They'll think you're a beautiful girl. I don't know I'm not good at this like you are. Honey, that's what I'm here for. What do you think? You turn 14, and boom, you've got the savoir faire and sophistication of a woman of my years and experience? Look, when I was 14 go try it on. Who knew this job would be so demanding? Please, I'm exhausted. Oh, sweetie, what's wrong? I'm just so happy that I got married before her. Oh Do you think it would take away from the bride if I wore this? Hi, sweetie. I knew you were upset, so I made you a little chocolate pudding. You made it? Well, I made it to Zabar's before they closed. Oh, sweetie, you have no idea how your disapproving of the wedding upsets Maggie. I mean, can you imagine how upset I would be if my parents disapproved of me marrying you? I mean, in a world gone mad. Yes, but it just doesn't seem right to me. I mean, she's not ready. Well, it seems right to her. And if you would just stop yelling at her and try listening to her, I think that you would know what it feels like. I can't, I can't talk to her. She'll just look at me with those eyes of hers, and I can't refuse her anything. Honey, that's exactly what we're counting on. Oh, hi, honey. Look who's out here. Sweetie, why don't you sit down, talk to your father, and I'm going to go check on dinner. Gracie, how's it coming? Daddy, I know you're upset But I don't think you really understand how Michael and I feel about each other. Sweetheart, how can you be sure? You haven't known him long enough. Didn't you know the moment you saw Fran? Yes, but we both wanted to wait the proper amount of time. Fran wanted to wait? Dad, why wait when you know? I mean, it's like when you read a script, and you just know that it's going to be a hit? I mean, except for when you passed on "Cats," because that was kind of Yes, yes. All right, no need to rehash. Well, Daddy, can't you see that Michael is my "Cats?" Please, just don't let me pass on this one. You're really in love, aren't you? So much. You know, I love you too, Daddy. I love you, sweetheart. And you're going to make a beautiful bride. Thank you for inviting me to your wedding, Maggie. Yetta, I'm Did you hear about Miss Babcock and the male maid? What are you talking about? Well, Franny and her husband walked in on them when they were doing the horizontal hora. Where? Kitchen? Closet? Stairway? Limo? Wal-mart? Wal-mart, huh? Well, if they dig the danger of getting caught, they should try the aluminum sheds at Home Depot. Oh, Fran, everything looks so beautiful. It's exactly how I pictured it. Oh, sweetie, remember all those times you'd come down these stairs holding the flowers from the foyer, making believe you were a bride? That was you, Fran. Niles! They saw us. No. No. No. No, what does it matter where? The important thing is, when you get back, I need to pick up something at Home Depot. ( Doorbell rings ) Oh, honey, that's Michael. You can't let him see you before the wedding. It's bad luck. Go put some makeup on. - It's on. - Well put some more on. You're taking pictures with my family. You're going to disappear next to the cast of Ringling Brothers. Hi, sweetie. Let me take your coat. Come on in. Hello. Dad. Hello. Son who's taking my daughter away. I just want to let you know that I love your daughter very much, and I am going to take such good care of her. I'm sure you will. I've always dreamt of having my daughter marry an underpants model. Mr. and Mrs. Brolin. Yeah, it's my cousin, James. James Brolin? Oh, boy, if his wife's name is Barbra, they can really have fun with that. His wife's name is Barbra. Oh, do they really have fun with that? I don't know. They just got married. In July? Yeah. - In Malibu, California? - Yeah. - Were her photos in "People"? - Uh-huh. - And they're coming here? - In, like, 10 minutes! They wanted to get here early, because they have to leave early. She's got a 9:00 flight. Oh, my God. Oh, my daughter is marrying a boy whose cousin is married to Barbra. My dreams are finally coming true. I'm going to be a Streisand. Maxwell. Maxwell. What, darling? Barbra Streisand is coming to my house, and, - and - And what, darling? I think I'm going into labor. What? Oh, my God! Someone pack a suitcase! Quick, it's time! Sweetheart, we have to get you to the hospital. No! No, the pain is not that ( grunts ) bad. No, darling, we are going to the hospital. No! I don't want to go. I don't want to go. Come on. Come on. I'll have them over here. It'll be fine. Please. Honey. Not today! Barbra's married to Dr. Kiley from "Marcus Welby. " He'll know what to do! All right, I got her makeup bag, but someone else is going to have to get her clothes. Yetta, would you let everyone know that Fran's doing just fine? Doctor's in with her right now. Turns out it was a false alarm. Fran. She's pregnant. Yes, well of course I'm the father. Well, because I just know, that's how. Yetta, would you put someone else on the phone, please? Mrs. Sheffield, seems you had some unusually strong Braxton-Hicks contractions. Oh? It's very common for women over 35 under stress. Have you been stressed about anything recently? You mean besides the fact that you think I'm over 35? Nothing to worry about. You're in no danger. But you do seem a little agitated. Yeah, well, you would be too if Barbra Streisand was at your house at this very moment, and had to leave in less than two hours. Who? Oh, my God. Darling. Darling, what is it? He does not know who Barbra Streisand is. Sweetheart, I've just spoken to your mother. And the guests are going to enjoy their dinner, but we're going to postpone the ceremony until tomorrow. But what about Barbra? What about Barbra? She's enjoying herself thoroughly. She's singing. Barbra Streisand is singing in my house? Mrs. Sheffield, I'm sorry but you've got to remain here overnight. But you said that I wasn't in any danger. I want to play it safe. I'd prefer it if you just stay off your feet. You know, the doctor's absolutely right, sweetheart. What you need is a calming environment. What could be more calming than Streisand singing "Evergreen?" "Evergreen. " That's Barbra Streisand. My uncle's her dentist in California. I've met her. My God, it's six degrees of aggravation. Okay, he's gone. Get my dress- Um, darling, darling. No, no, no. I want you in that bed. You know, honey, if you said that ordinarily, it would be a big turn on. But right now, get out of my way! Sweetheart, you'll just have to see Barbra another time. Come on, you've waited this long. What you need right now is to stay calm and not get overexcited. But, honey No buts. I want you to stay in that bed. - But, Max, I - Do you understand me? Yes. And you know I'm right? - Yes. - Yes. I'm sorry, honey. I know that I'm acting childish. I'll spend the night here like they want me to. And I'll be right here by your side. Sweetie, I love you. You're such a good husband. You're so busy taking care of me. Meanwhile when was the last time you even ate? Oh, I don't know. I had some breakfast this morning Matter of fact, I'm a little peckish. Why don't I pop out and bring us both back some dinner? - Okay. - What are you in the mood for? Whatever you're in the mood for. Well, I could go for a burger. Really? You couldn't go for Chinese? I could go for Chinese. You too? I'll be right back. Thank you. I love you. You're the best husband in the whole wide world. But I'm a person who needs people. And in about ten minutes, I am going to be one of the luckiest people in the world. Hello, gorgeous! Barbra? Barbra? Barbra, can you hear me? ( Phone rings ) Hello. Hello. - Max: Sweetheart? - Oh. Oh, hi, honey. Uh, are you mad at me because I ran out? Max: Not half as mad as you're going to be with yourself. Why? Because when I called home, I arranged a little surprise for you. Even our piano in the parlor Daddy bought for 10 cents on the dollar Everyone knows that I'm just secondhand Rose From And do you, Maggie, take Michael to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do. Oh, Niles, I really wish you could be here. You should see how beautiful Maggie looks. Yes, everybody is using the coasters. Here's Miss Babcock. Normally, at this point in the ceremony, I like to say a few words about the couple embarking on their life. But I think the sentiments were best expressed by Barbra, who just last night stood right here, and sang, "What are You Doing the Rest of Your Life. " She sang that too? I now pronounce you husband and wife. Oh, wasn't it beautiful, Ma? Beautiful. ( Cries ) Is Barbra's voice as flawless in person? Well, actually it was a little tired after singing the score of "Funny Girl" and six new songs from her next album. I am so glad that I'm pregnant. Why? It's the only thing that's keeping me from killing myself. Oh, Val. I am sitting on such a huge secret for over a week now. But I cannot tell a living soul. Oy. Good cake. Val Good cake. Niles and Miss Babcock are having an affair! ( Gasps ) With who? With each other. I don't know. ( laughing ) Oh, God! ( Jazz music playing )