The First Wives Club

Middlebury College, 1969, the year of walking on the moon - - "Yellow Submarine" and Woodstock. Also the year that Pope Paul the VI eliminated 200 saints. Amen. And I, along with my three best friends, graduated from college. Where's Cynthia? We've got to get going. I mean, shouldn't We? Calm doWn, Annie. She said she had a surprise. HoW is this? Is this heaven? Elise, you are so gorgeous. Really! Oh, my. It's lovely. - It's solid. - Oh, girls. - Cynthia. - Here. Open. Put them on. Oh, my God! Oh, my God. You shouldn't have done this. - It's too much. - I don't think so. It's just enough. You'll all Write me nice notes, but noW We need a toast. - Got it. - Pour, pour! It's picture time. - Champagne! - From my folks. To Annie, Elise and Brenda. And Cynthia, I mean our valedictorian. All right. We're all bound together forever by friendship and love. And jeWelry! And We're always going to be there for each other. - Oh, God! I'm gonna cry! - Here! For the rest of our lives. - One, two, three... - How's my hair? It's good. Mrs. Cynthia? Teresa... - I want you to have these. - No, no, no. - Yes, yes, yes. - I cannot take... - You just think of it as a raise, OK? - Thank you. NoW, you take the rest of the day off. Go on. - Thank you. - Would you mind mailing these? Of the four of us, Cynthia was certainly the most likely to succeed. When she decided to do something - - shejust went ahead and did it. Roachie. Come on, honey. It's Mommy. Mommy's home. Gosh, think We got any messages? - What do you think, huh? - Annie, dear, it's your mother. It's 6am. Please call me urgently. Chris! Honey, I thought you Were going to campus yesterday. My classes Were cancelled. I slept here. Where Were you?! I was... I was at a friend's. You Were With that man again. Mother, I am so disappointed. I'm sorry, but he is your father. He's using you. You shouldn't let him. It's not that simple. The truth is I love your father. - I'm sure he loves me. - You're a doormat! What's the matter With you? Why are you so crabby today? Is it school? I knoW What it is. - It's a boy. - I'm a lesbian, mom. I'm a lesbian. But that's not the issue here. - When you say "lesbian"... - Don't tell Daddy. I want to tell him myself When the time is right. Like Father's Day. - Or Christmas morning. - Chris... Thank God, you're all right. Where Were you? Who saW you? - Who saW me What? - She was sleeping With Daddy. Muffin, you've come to your senses. I'm so happy. Mother, I don't sleep With Aaron. He has problems With his partners. He's very conflicted, and he needed somebody to talk to. - Doormat! - Lesbian. Do it, Morris. Do it to me noW. I need it. You're the only one Who does it the way I like it. You're the king. Any more collagen, your lips Will look like they Were stuck in a pool drain. I haven't Worked in 18 months. I have a meeting With a director for a part I Would kill for. - I have to look sexy. - Elise, you are sexy! Look at yourself. You're incredible. You're my masterpiece. - There's not one line on your face. - Really? What do you call that? - And these? What are these? - You're 45. One more facelift, you'll be able to blink your lips. - Don't you want to play your age? - My oWn age?! You don't understand. There are only three ages for Women in Hollywood: Babe, district attorney and "Driving Miss Daisy". And right noW, I want to be young. Science Fiction "young"! This is good. Maybe you should also cut doWn on the booze. I knoW you're upset about the divorce. - Upset? - You're upset about Bill's movie. This isn't about him! This is about my lips! Look at me. I want Tina Turner. I want Jagger. Fill 'em up. Really? This is fabulous news. Thank you. Bye... Jason! Jason! Honey! Yoo-hoo! "Burning Sensation" just confirmed. Jason! - What? - "Burning Sensation" confirmed. - I got the band you wanted. - Cool! Affection! Gimme that! - What is this? - HebreW! Your Bar Mitzvah's in 3 Weeks... the one thing your father Will pay for. - Learn it! - Mom! Don't "but, Mom" me! Learn it. Don't shame me in the synagogue. The separation from Aaron is absurd. HoW Will you fix things if you're not together? We're practically together. We're seeing the same therapist. - What? - Her name is Dr. Leslie Rosen. She's incredible. She helps Aaron With commitment issues. We're Working on my self-esteem. You're married With a daughter. You're happy. Who needs self-esteem! Mother! Dr. Rosen says that... She says you're very controlling. Me? Controlling? That is ridiculous. - Mother, I... - Roach... Go! What if I found somebody else, mother? It's possible. You're 46. You're more likely to be slaughtered by a psycho. Cynthia Swann Griffin is dead. The former wife of Wall Street wizard... Didn't you go to school With her? ...jumped from her fashionable penthouse apartment. Mrs. Griffin had recently divorced her longtime husband - - Gilbert Griffin. The Wall Street baron remarried only yesterday. - Morning, Mohammed. - Morning, Miss Eliot. Elise! - Oh, God. What a tragedy! - Poor Cynthia. And your lips! Elise arrived with Gunilla Garson-Goldberg. The queen of New York society. Nobody gets anywhere - - in this town without Gunilla's say-so. Hey, Elise! She looks Wonderful. Has she had any Work done? Honey, she's a quilt. Then came Cynthia's former husband Gilbert Griffin. A man made rich by his first wife's connections and now - - made happy by his second wife's youthful good looks. The vampire Lestat. And Louis. What a nerve! He should be hanging his head. You don't knoW What he feels right noW. I kneW you Would be here. Alice! - No, Annie. - Annie! It's so Wonderful to see you. You're Wearing our pearls. Yeah. - Hi. It's Brenda. Brenda Morang. - Brenda! Annie. Remember me! - You look Wonderful. - You do too. You look just... ...uncanny. - Thank you. Dear, sWeet, funny, yearning Brenda. What? - She's such a bitch. - I hate that guy. This might sound horrible after that but I Would really... - I'd love to... - Lunch? No, you're right. It's not right. Why? We gotta eat. I have a car. - A limo. - Yeah. It is so Wonderful seeing you all. - Elise. - What? You have not changed a bit in 20 years. Not one little bit. It's utterly bizarre. - Brenda! - Excuse me. I'm sorry. Ladies, Would anyone like a drink? - Yes, I Would like a Virgin Mary. - Bloody Mary. - Vodka rocks, please. - NoW, I just want to... ...get this out of the way. I'm the most terrible person. I tried to stay in touch. I should have Written every month. Annie you had a life to lead. It must have been time-consuming, churning out those newsletters. It's a terrible excuse for a reunion - - but here We all are. HoW are you guys, huh? Just fine. Couldn't be better. - Things are rolling along for me. - Same here. Knock Wood. Knock Wood. - It's great to see you guys again. - Cheers. Why'd she do it? I don't understand. Could I have helped her? What Would make her want to? She gave Gil the best years of her life. Sacrificed her youth... Always put herself last to bolster his ego, his drive, his ambition. Just as her dignity hung by a thread, he ran off With a pre-schooler. - I'm guessing. - Elise... You too? You... Brenda? - Brenda? - Morty was a big shot on TV. He sold electronics. On our 20th Wedding anniversary, it hits... ...mid-life crisis... Major! He starts Working out, grows a mustache. He gets an earring. I said: "Morty, What are you... a pirate?" "What's next? A parrot?" Suddenly, I'm a drag. I'm holding him back because I Won't rollerblade. - What's her name? - Shelly. Shelly the barracuda. She's 12. Bren... Elise. I am so sorry about both of your marriages. I Wish I could have helped or been there in some way. - What about your marriage? - Everything's just fine. Aaron is so terrific... NoW, let's think... We've been married for 25 years... Chris is perfect. I mean, lesbians are great... nowadays! The marriage is going... It's going to be really fine. Aaron and I... We're... ...temporarily sort of... We're separated! - Separated. - Separated? Separated. OK, Elise, the time has come... Spill! Those lips... What's in 'em? - Are they wax? - Excuse me? What else did you have done? You can tell me. The cheeks, the jaWline... Have just a little or the full enchilada? I Work out daily, watch my diet. - I haven't had plastic surgery! - Good for you! - You look terrific. - Come on! You're lying through your caps! OK, I have been refreshed a little. - Oh, God, does it hurt? - No. The stuff they take off... Can you keep it? Come on, it's the 90s. Plastic surgery is like good grooming. It's like brushing your teeth. Elise, you've been yanked, stitched, stuffed and pulled. You're a turkey. - And to please your ex-husband? - No... ...to please everybody. To please everybody! Men, Women, studio executives. Come on, youth and beauty. Men, that's the ticket! When men... No, When Women get to be a certain age... ...bye, bye love. Hello, poptarts. - That's right, baby. It's a holocaust. God, I Wish I had the courage to give it all up. To say... ...Who gives a rat's ass. Just let myself go like you two did. No offense. - None taken. - Speak for yourself, OK! Elise, you're gifted, talented and successful. Brenda, you're Wonderfully verbal. And I am seeing a very talented therapist. We're in our prime! By the way, my marriage is fine, thank you. Annie, you have an amazing attitude. You are... so cheerful. - You are... - Look at me. You are genuinely happy. - It's a beautiful thing. - Thank you. Lithium? You'd have been proud of me, Leslie. I was the only positive one there. There Were traces of the Wonderful, Witty Women I kneW before - - but they're just so angry. They're so confused. When We Were young... ...We had such spirit. - Say it, honey. - Work from love. - OK, Work from love. - GroW from love. - GroW from love. ScreW the World. - I can't say that. I'm sorry. - Annie, you are still doing it. - I knoW. - You have a problem With anger. You're absolutely right. It's my... I don't knoW What it is! It's my mother. It's Connecticut. - It's all these loud noises. - And Aaron. I knoW We're separated. But I think this is really a rest period. We're just getting our... - Do it, Annie! Get angry. - I couldn't. I knoW that I should... - It's just... - Hit me. Stand up and hit me. I can't. I'm so sorry. Maybe... Let it out. I want you to hit me. Trust me. It's OK. OK. Rambo! A real tough guy. Come on, Annie... - Hit me! - I love that. - My God. - That was better. - I'm sorry. Please don't tell Aaron. - Time's up. - Time to go. Do you feel better? - Thank you. He hasn't the guts to tell me he wants a divorce. I have to hear it on TV. - Elise, be cool. Be calm. - I am! - I saW that shoW. It was interesting. - I don't want to hear it. My client's and Miss Eliot's marriage resulted in many successful films - - including "Inner Urges", "Human Instinct" - - and "Animal Nature" in Which she played a sensuous veterinarian. - Thank you. - My idea! - Was not. - Was too. My client produced these films Which enhanced Miss Eliot's career. - Therefore, she is indebted to him. - I produced these films! You kneW nothing When I met you. I taught you everything! What? Those Were your best years, Elise. Therefore, We request half of Miss Eliot's assets and a monthly stipend. He wants alimony? As for the sculpture, art, Japanese porcelain and objets d'art- - collected during the marriage, my client thinks it fair for Miss Eliot - - to dispose of the items and divide the proceeds evenly. They Were anniversary presents - - Xmas presents. I gave him everything. NoW he wants more?! NoW, Duarto, I ask you: Who's this for? An anorexic teen? A fetus? It's a conspiracy. I knoW it is. I've had enough. I'm leading a protest. I'm not buying any more clothes until designers come to their senses. Brenda worked for a man named Duarto Feliz - - one of the ten worst interior decorators in New York. I think his real name was Duane Hemelwitz. - It's electric. Look at this hideous... - I can't afford it. You've got to have it. Try it on. You could sell a broach, your son... Duarto... - Morty! Look at you. - Brenda, don't embarrass me. Don't embarrass me. Don't make a scene. You've got nerve. KnoW What's embarrassing? Being hassled by Mr. ZaWorsky because I'm behind in the rent. That's embarrassing. Worrying about hoW to pay for my kid's college. You knoW What? You never listened. 20 years and you never listened. Here! Try this on in the fitting room. It looks very nice. I could use this. It's very beautiful. I love the color... But What can I use for money? HoW am I gonna pay for it? The company is expanding. Not me! I'm a mere laborer. - You're a liar and a fraud. - I have no money. I'm not rich. - Why don't you look in your purse? - Very funny. - They're stunning, Morton. I want 'em. - Morton? - Oh, God, make it go away. - Shelly, look at you. - The bulimia has paid off. - Don't start. What's the matter, Morty? Can't you buy her a Whole dress? Why don't you try these on in your size? - It was a delight running into you. - You've read the script. Yes, it is so original. It's so good. You're so gifted, Brett. And Monique..."Monique"... She is a great character. Thank you. Man, What a kick! Elise Eliot in a Brett Artounian film. So, tell me hoW do you see her? Well, uh, I think We go for... ...grotesque. - What? All the way. No make-up, overhead lighting. Bring out every Wrinkle... Every crag. With you in the part - - Monique's mother Won't be another Jurassic fleshbag in a Wheelchair. She's epic. Elise Eliot, the crypt-keeper. WoW! Mom, I'm spending the night at Dad's. Don't Worry, I'm studying. Baruch atta adonoy... Happy now? Maurice? I want another one. They want me to play the mother. - Sorry. - The mother! Let me ask you something. - Is this the face of a mother? - No, ma'am. Certainly not mine. So I thought. Not to be critical, but you've no feeling for noodles. Thank you, Mom. Hello. Aaron... Nothing... Just having pasta With mother. No, you say... Sure! That Would be good. Bye. We're going to have dinner! Can you believe that? Oh my God! Do you knoW What this means? It means he's re-prioritized. He's Worked through his relationship phobias - - his fear of intimacy, his thing about my poisoning his food. He's ready to recommit. - Here We go. - Thank you. Excuse me, so sorry. Una? By yourself? Si. - HoW are you? - Hello. AlloW me. I'm not Monique's mother. Angela Lansbury's Monique's mother. - Shelley Winters is Unique's mother. - NoW, that's good. - Sean Connery's Unique's mother. - Perhaps some coffee noW. I take that back. Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend. He's 300 years old, but he's still a stud. - I'm not happy, Maurice. - I'm going to get you that coffee. - Honey... I think I should go. - I knoW. TomorroW, We could start moving your things back in... if that's okay? I hated seeing your side of the closet all empty. Dr. Rosen... she Would be proud of us. I Wish she Were here. Not literally. I can't wait to tell her hoW We Worked it all out. We should get therapy gold stars. Annie... I love you. Come here. Yes. I love you. I want a divorce. - Stay calm. - But We just made love! You asked me out. I asked you out to tell you, but you looked so great. I thought: "HoW romantic. One last time." - A goodbye kiss. - But this wasn't just a kiss. Don't be childish. You knoW hoW you manipulate me. - What?! Manipulate? - Don't. What? Oh my God. - Is there someone else? - No. This is about us. It's really not you. Babe? Oh my God! - Oh my God! - Oh my God. - This is very aWkward. - No, Annie was just leaving. - You told her? - I was totally upfront. What? Excuse me! Annie, this is rough. I knoW that. Rough?! Wait a minute. I don't understand. You're my therapist? - I'm a Woman. - He is my husband. We've been separated for months. Let's not overdramatize, OK? She's alloWed to be angry. - Annie, let's use this. He's found someone neW. You're free! Closure! I'm sorry, but that isn't What this is. You're not helping us out here. - NoW, I'm sorry. - So am I! Very sorry I ever met you! Sorry I loved you for all those years! I'm sorry I was there for you every minute - - of every day and supported you in your every move. I'm sorry! Oh, my God. "I Wish I had talent like Elise"- - "Brenda's humor" - - "or your strength, Annie." "Most of all I Wish I still had our friendship." "Perhaps Gil isn't the problem." Oh, God... "Perhaps loneliness is." "Please take care of each other. Love, Cynthia." - And on such pretty stationery. - I have to make some calls, Mom. - God, poor Cynthia. - If only she had called me. If only I Were listed. You knoW What? She was right. In college We Were focused. We Were brave. We couldn't wait. It's all over. I'm alone. I don't have anything. I don't have anything! You have a son Who adores you. I'm alone! I'm Monique's mother. But Jason's off to college pretty soon. I'll be even more alone. Plus I'll be a lot older. Any more plastic surgery, I Won't be able to sleep. I'll have to Work at McDonalds! - I'll have to do ads for adult diapers. - I'll have to Wear them. I just spent 25 years - - With a self-absorbed man Who is marrying my therapist... ...Who lectured me on self-esteem. - You Win! I Won't be that Woman anymore. It's unacceptable. It is unacceptable! I made all those stupid movies With Bill. I gave him a career and he stole mine. I Worked behind the cash register at his first store... in his first 15 stores! I gave Aaron a home and a daughter. - I washed and ironed his shorts. - You did? Well, I supervised. What do We want? Revenge? No! We are not talking about revenge. I am talking about justice. I'm going to give Aaron so much justice he Won't see straight... ...if he thinks partners are trouble. - Bill's always had it easy. That's right. Bill's had it easy every inch of the way. He's always had a Woman look after him. What Would happen one day if he didn't? What do you think, Brenda? I love Morty. Very deeply. - I Wouldn't want to see him harmed. - You don't? I want him dumped! By Little Miss Midriff. By that Stairmastered L'Orealed crotch jockey. In front of the Whole Western Hemisphere. On the 6 o'clock news. Okay! After that I want World peace. Let's get serious. We helped them rise. We can help them fall. HoW are We going to do that. We're has-beens, hanging on by a thread. We're discards. We're not hanging on by a thread. Look, by being together - us - unity. If all the first Wives of the World got together... ...What else do We need? - Just one amazing attorney. All We need is us. Three Women Who aren't afraid to fight. Stand up for dignity and self-esteem! Then We'll let 'em have it. - See this? - What? - Wait, right here, OK? - OK. See this? Put it in there. All right. First Wives Club, come to order. Starting the club was easy. Figuring out what to do next was much harder. We each decided to gather information about our husbands. - Elise, Elise... - Yeah... I went in search of a spy. Why can't We call Chris and ask her to help us? I want her to knoW I support her lifestyle completely. - I've never been to a gay bar! - Here We go. Hi, I think you're just terrific. Look at this. My God! Isn't this great? All these Women. Yeah, maybe We'll get lucky. Elise Eliot, right? You're from the movies. - Yeah... - I kneW you Were gay! I said Elise Eliot is so hot! You're like the most - - amazing babe on this planet. God bless you! - You wanna dance? - Uh, yeah. Hi, SWeetie. Mom! Hi... We wanted to have a little... What's the matter? I thought We could have a little chat about our plans. Mom... - You knoW you're in a gay bar. - That's What's so great. It's very Women-identified and... by the way... I'm Chris' Mom. Are you gay? Sorry! What's Wrong? My lover left mer after 18 years for some teenager Who Weighs 12 lb. What am I going to do? - God! That's just like me and Morty. - Who? Morty. She's butch. Nail Daddy and those other loW-lifes? I don't mean "nail 'em". I mean, just teach and help them. - Vaporize them! - Yeah, sure. Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm in. I'm really in. Elise... Elise, Chris is in! Can you believe it? Mission accomplished. We'd better go. She's staying! She's With me, babe! Come on, honey, my place. Brenda, you're so possessive! Something I was just thinking about... my resume. Wouldn't interfere With school. Something part-time until I graduate. Come on, Dad. HoW about a little nepotism? I'll hire you. I'm surprised. You've never shoWn interest in advertising. I knoW, Daddy. I'm here to learn. That's great. Elise decided to pull the rug out from under Bill... literally. After all, his lawyer told her to dispose of their common property. Miss Eliot, you knoW he hates interruptions. Please let me tell him you're here. Please... Elise... What a kick! But I'm on With the Coast. All the good stuff goes. The Lampico, the Ming vase. Amari horsemen, Faberg eggs, the Wingback chair, the green Tiffany lamp. Babe... What's going on? As requested, I'm consolidating the matrimonial assets for liquidation. That includes these antiques I bought for you. - You are the best. - Love tokens, anniversary gifts. - Junk. Here, take that desk too. - Elise, this hurts me. I care about you... about us. About the magic. - What exactly is going on here? - And this Japanese secretary. - I want that to go. - Back off, Jacko! Elise, this isn't right. It's hormonal. You can't do this. - Watch me! - But this is my stuff! It's the 90s, Bill. DoWnsize! At Jason's Bar Mitzvah 2 weeks later- - First Wives Club got its first big break. Thanks to Brenda's dear, dear Sicilian uncle. Uncle Carmine. My father's side. Morty and I have planned for this day since Jason was born. - But Morty's going to be here. - But next to me. We're not a family anymore. It's OK. I'll be fine. Excuse me. He brought her... ...to my son's Bar Mitzvah! Is she a gift? - Brenda, can I speak freely? - Sure. Annie's cool. I speak for the entire family and your late father - my beloved brother - - When I say Morty is garbage. I'd be honored to take him out. No, don't you dare. Morty the Garbage is my problem. I'll Work it out myself. Thanks for the thought anyway. My angel. For Morty to treat you this way after What your father did for him... Where Would he be? The first year of his business, all his merchandise - - fell off one of our trucks. You're not serious? We Were happy to help you neWlyweds. My Morty a crook? Check his books. They're fiction. Bestsellers! - Ciao. - Ciao. Grazie. Really liked your uncle. - Mother! Mother! Where are you? - Over here, bitch. Mother, I met a man. He's an angel. He's a God. He's a doctor. It's perfect. - Do I really have the part? - Baby, you knoW it. Pizza! - Oh my God! - Elise! - There's the Lichtenstein. - What the hell are you doing? - The Dine. Take that. - This is so cool. - All the gym equipment. - I'm getting a restraining order. No, Bill, this is great. - Hi, I'm Phoebe. I've seen all your movies and I want to be just like you, only me! Phoebe, some advice... Be afraid. Be very afraid. - Pheebs, she's bitter. - And take the cappuccino machine! Bill, I have a great idea. Wouldn't she be great to play opposite me? Bill is producing this neW, incredible movie - - With this young, hot director. I'm the star of it. - I'm Monique. - What? And you can be my Mom! While Elise cleaned out Bill's office, loft and house in the Hamptons - Brenda and I looked for an office. A base for the Club. Come in. Look at this. It's early everything, huh. Oh, my goodness. Look at this. You knoW What it says? "I beat Meryl." - It does not. Put that doWn. - Is there chocolate inside? - Put it doWn! - OK, OK. Put it gently doWn. Look. Do you believe this stuff? I don't knoW Where to put it. There's no room in my warehouse. I could have put it in my building doWntoWn. - You oWn a building? - Yeah, I do. I sublet it normally, but... ...noW it's... vacant. There's a lot of Work to be done. You have to see it. Look at this. All right, this is perfect. All right, girls! This is fabulous. While Brenda and I worked like crazy gathering information - - Elise spent most of her time on the phone to her agent. Dan Carlin, please. Elise Eliot calling. - Elise Eliot! - And finally it came through for her. - This is a great play! - I told her she had to do it. I don't want to do theater! I haven't done theater in years! Bill always said theater was bad for my career... ...Which actually I agree With. - Excuse me, but this is a great role. This is about a bitter, unloved, emotionally barren Woman. - That's not me! - It's you! Thank you. - Hello. - It's Bill. Where's Elise? - It's for you... Bill. - Hello. - Listen to me, you piece of garbage. - I can't hear you. I'll sue you. I'll break you. You vindictive sack of silicone! - That's my car, you piece of plastic! - Oh, darn. Bill... Lamborghini. The Lamborghini. He's mad. Whoo! Elise, can I ask you a question? Aren't you frustrated? You climb and climb and go noWhere. I love it! Burns off the booze. You want to knoW something? - I get my best ideas When I Work out. - You get ideas?! It clears out my head. I think straight. Everything makes sense. Better start thinking because We need Morty's books to prove fraud. I knoW Where they are! Morty just bought Shelly a penthouse. - NoW, figure out hoW to get in. - Duarto. Shelly has a neW apartment that needs to be decorated. Gunilla, I'd adore it. Enchante. Au revoir, jolie! Gunilla Garson-Goldberg personally invited me to her society luncheon. Why? Gunilla Goldberg was happy helping us, she being a first wife herself. Indeed, Gunilla was a 1st, 2nd, 3rd - - and 4th wife, which accounted for her very comfortable surroundings. This is delicious! Usually I bring my oWn dressing. That fat-free ranch stuff, but this is restaurant quality. - Thank you. - Can I tell you something? When I first got your call, I said to Morty... "This just feels so right." Me and Gunilla. I used to Work for Morty as his executive assistant. He was married to that nightmare then... Brenda - - a completely class-free dumpster Woman. I said to him: "Morty, you' ve got to move on and move up." NoW, here I am! Taste Central. The moment I saW you... my first impression was she's someone... See, that's What I told him. But he doesn't get it. - He doesn't get a lot of things. - Are you finished? - Yeah, I'm done. - Take the fork. Fork! All you need to enter society is some advice and a guiding hand. Like What? The correct florist and the utterly ideal chef. Of course, a decorator... of death. Your house is your calling card. It has to be perfected - - photographed, published. Can you really help me? I Would kill for that. That's unnecessary. Just two Words: Duarto Feliz. He is a genius. A gem! Of course, he's impossible to get. He Works all the time. Oh, my God! There she is! Princess Pelvis. - Gunilla says she Went for it. - Fabulous! Johnny, let's go. So, Duarto makes his move and Shelly falls for it. - Let's synchronize our watches. - Just like "Mission Impossible". - These people are always late. - Shut up, Morty, and stay shut up. - Take it easy. - What if he doesn't like us? - What are you Worried about? Go on, ansWer the bell. - Okay! - Fine. Hello! Please, do come in. It's an honor and beyond. Gunilla Garson-Goldberg informs me you are my neW best friend. - I hope! - Duarto Feliz... And may I? Please! Extraordinary! Interesting little touches everywhere. - What? - That chair is agony. - Morty, do something! - What? - Just cover it up. Get rid of it! - Take it easy. It's his chair. I didn't want that chair. - It's covered. - Thanks ever so much. NoW, then... I feel... You feel... Light... - Get out. - What?! I need to be alone in this space for an hour, at least. It is very delicate. I must bond. - We understand. - I must have total access. - What is upstairs? - That's just the office. Le office. Stay out of le office! - Leave me one hour. - We understand. One hour! Thank you. Bye bye. Girls... Girls! Come on, hurry. - Ow, my knee, damn it. - We don't have much time. - Where are We going? - Honey, don't Worry about it. Let's go in here. Here We go! In here. Brenda! There's an office upstairs. There's an office upstairs! - Let's go upstairs. - Good girl! I feel dizzy. Annie, check the computer. I'll check the files. I need the key. Where's the key? - Hello! - Ready. Come on, tax returns. What is this stuff? Got 'em! Come on, hustle, Morty. Social climbers on the rise. Oh, God! - They're back! They're back! - Stall them. - With What? - Make something up. Improvise. - What's the matter With you? - I can't improvise. I'm putting the files right in here. Keep them away from the front door. - I'm clean. I'm clean. I'm clean. - Slap her. Slap her. Hello! I knoW you said an hour, but it's cold today and I couldn't stay away. - Tell me everything! - HoW much? I'll tell you What. We're going to look out the living room Windows. Why? Because I'll tell you Why. Windows are the eyes of a room. - So? - Oh, Duarto. The valance... The valance is our eyebrows. - The drapes are... - I gotta pee. You can't, you can't! Where was I? Oh, the drapes... are the eyelashes. You said Windows Were eyelashes. What do We do? Where do We go? The WindoW. Come on. What do We do now? We'll get into this WindoW washing thing and ride it doWn. - Annie... - You gotta go doWn, honey. - It's the only way out! - I have a fear of everything. - Come on, you're the neW Annie. - Annie, watch! I'm going in first. I do all my oWn stunts. Gimme the controls! I can't do this! I can't stand this! Gotham's my inspiration. The White of the snoW pelting the trees of Central Park. The yelloW of the taxis. The blue... But Who cares about blue? No one feels blue With my design. - Forget about that. - What about those drapes? The WindoW meeting is over. It's time to consider the stairs. - What about that dumb fountain? - I rather like it. I'd rather look at the WindoW. Oh, my God! - Is that Elise Eliot? - Elise, you look great! You look great!! You want to go again? - Oh, my God! - I've never been so petrified. No, really, really... except for that one time. - I'm not going to tell you. - Why not? We Won't judge you. We're your buddies. We cherish you. We Would never ever make fun of you. Ever! Would We, hon? - No, no. - OK. All right. You remember Cynthia's 21st birthday? Her parents rented that big hall. We wanted to do something special for her. Elise thought We should be the entertainment. We Were supposed to sing to her like a girl group. We sang that Leslie Gore song. Remember? We Were a big hit. I hated it. I can't sing. I was terrified before all those people. I'd ratherjump off that building. - You Were Wonderful. - But it was for Cynthia. I remember that. We Were a group. We are a group! We should do it and sing again. - Let's do it again. I wanna sing. - Why? Why not? We'll blend. We'll sing With you. - We'll blend! - All of us altogether, real loud, OK? You're gonna sing With me, all right? To Cynthia. Happy birthday Wherever you are. All right, I'm ready. - Go! - Pick a note! You don't oWn me! I'm not just one of your many toys You don't oWn me! Don't say I can't go With other boys And don't tell me What to do! And don't tell me What to say! I sound horrible. I hate you for this. Hi, Mom, it's your little spy at the ad agency. I can't talk now, but have I got news for you! I think it's time you got back into the ad business. Call me. Bren? It's Annie. Listen to this. Aaron's partners want to sell- - their share of the ad agency. I could buy it if I had the money. Can you imagine? God, Aaron would die. It's Brenda. Annie needs a down payment for an ad agency. Any idea where she can get the money? So, Elise sold me Bill's things at a very reasonable price. And I put it all up for auction. Your sale has generated a great deal of excitement. I want to raise funds for my organization. HoWever, some lots may fail to sell. I Wouldn't Worry about that. At $380,000 for the Lichtenstein. $380,000, selling then. Fair warning of $380,000. Paddle 3-7-2. $380,000 for that? Lot 55 is the Louis chaise canape shoWing here on my left... And I have $45,000 on the telephone. - It's gorgeous. - Fabulous. Absolutely sublime. It doesn't look very comfy. Morty likes his recliner. ...in place now at $ 48,000. $50,000 at the desk now. $50,000... $55,000. The lady's bid up front noW. My God, did you see Who bid? That's Elise Eliot. She has impeccable taste... for an actress. Fair warning then at $55,000. - It's a fabulous chaise. - I don't knoW. That sofa? Architectural Digest. The cover! - Really? - You? Guaranteed! $60,000 this side! New bidder now at $60,000. Lot is yours, madam, at $60,000. You, madam, $60,000. - I got a chaise. - Beautiful! Lot 57, the fine Yung Che charger showing here and $90,000 to start. $90,000 is bid. Thank you, sir. $90,000... $100,000! New bidder now, $110,000. The lady's bid here noW. $115,000. Thank you, sir. $115,000. - It's cute. - It's sublime. - Essential! - Oxygen! $125,000. The lady's bid noW at 125. Need a neW face noW. $125,000 up front. - $130,000. New bidder up front. - Elise Eliot must be very rich. - ShoW business. - Teach her a lesson. Come on. At $130,000. 130... $135,000 at the back! NeW bidder noW. $135,000. $135,000. Lady's bid at the back. - Who is she? She looks familiar. - Just someone glamorous. Some Euro-trash. Shelly, you can't let that plate leave the US. - It's Japanese. - Don't they have enough? $135,000. The bidder's here at the back at $135,000. Lady's bid at the back at $135,000. It's yours now at $135,000 Bidder's here at the back. - Go ahead! - Aber gehen Sie! Jackie O had one just like it. $140,000 up front now. $140,000... ...against you at the back, madam. $140,000... $140,000. For you, madam, paddle 560. Thank you, thank you. Shelly, What happened here? $140,000 for a plate? $47,000 for a carpet? A used carpet? $300,000 for a Lamborghini? Are you crazy? I bought the car for you. It was only 300 grand. It was a gift. With my money you bought it! I bought me the gift! Jesus, I want a lifestyle! With some ambiance and some classic, eternal good taste. But not for $300,000, Shelly! I can leave if you like. It's not like you've asked me to marry you. Would you... ...unzip me? Thank you. Shel, I lost my temper. I'm sorry. The Lamborghini is a very good deal. - Hi, Jase. HoW was the game? - Knicks lose again. Every player on that team is a millionaire. They can't really lose. - What do you think? - That's not neW, is it? It's better than neW. It's the first time it's fit me in 3 years. Look at me! I have a waist, legs... Who knew? How's your father? Did you have fun? - Yeah, but don't let that bother you. - What a thing to say! Jason, look. I remember hoW great it was When We Were a family. Even though We're not together noW, you still have both of us. You guys can't even pick out my birthday card Without a lawyer. Jason, I knoW you Worry about your father. He's a very good man. He's a very good, very confused man. But you don't have to Worry about me - - because I'm going to be fine. I'm lightening up, literally. And you knoW What? Your father and I love you to pieces. - There, did I embarrass you? - Almost. You want to go to a movie? Me and you? - Together... in public? - Mom, I'm sorry. I was a little freaked out by Dad getting engaged to Shelly. Oh, Well... I can see hoW that Would rip your heart out. Thanks, Mom. We gotta nail Bill. We gotta... slaughter him. Right off the face of the planet. Him and that tramp. That infant. - I need a drink. - Holy moly, she's loaded. I knoW. I'm really Worried. She had me look at Bill's records - - and the guy's a saint. He's clean. - He's a saint With a great lawyer. - What? Are you saying you can't find anything on him? - I'm really sorry. I'll look again. - This isn't fair. Aaron's going to be massacred. Morty's Won't knoW What hit him - - and Bill's just gonna walk away. With alimony! We'll keep trying, Elise. You'd better keep trying because this is my life and my money! What do you know? You don't get it. You're civilians. You're just houseWives. - That's it! - No, wait. You'll never understand. Gimme that. Excuse me. Give that back. I say this With love compassion and true sisterhood. You are full of shit! What? OK, alimony sucks. OK, you didn't get to play a policeWoman in a Wonderbra. But you greW up gorgeous. Thanks to Cher's pioneering efforts, you still haven't hit puberty. Once you Were a terrific actress. You even got an Oscar to prove it. You spent your Whole life With people sucking up to you. I'm sure Annie agrees With me that your perception of life is a bit altered. - Annie, do you agree With her? - Come on! Brenda, she's very upset. - TWo pinheads! - Wait a minute. You've got some nerve. I drink because I'm a sensitive and highly strung person. No! That's Why your co-stars drink! I am not a drunk! Really? Let's examine the evidence. Look, all bottles! And gallon jugs. - I had guests. - Who? Guns 'N' Roses? Come on, you two. The enemy's out there, not in here, and We are best friends! After all those years, you never called me. - You Were unlisted! - You always gossip behind my back. - You deserve it! - You didn't invite me... ...to your son's Bar Mitzvah. - You Wouldn't have come. - Yeah, it was in HebreW. - Oh, shut up! You think a movie star doesn't have feelings. You're Wrong! I do have feelings. I'm an actress! I have all of them. I Wouldn't understand. I'm just a houseWife and a child to raise. You Were always jealous of me 'cause I was blonde, beautiful and talented. - And I could have any guy I wanted. - And did! Every guy! Most of the senior class and half the faculty. It was the 1960s. Look at this place. Is this Where your fan club meets? Do you have ritual sacrifices? Put that doWn! - I Won that! - I remember. - Your first "talkie". - What did you ever Win? A pie-eating contest? Best Ingestion. Oh, no... Brenda! This is a Golden Globe. It's sacred! It's... trademarked! - Are you crazy? - Stop it. Both of you! Annie. You choose! Who's your friend? Me or Brenda? For once, make a decision. Who's your buddy? Some Beverly Hills science project... ...or a Woman With her oWn aisle at the supermarket. I'm sorry, but I'm not getting involved With this. You both have severe psychological problems. I'm... I'm the nice one here. I'm not like this. - What? - Yes. - The nice one? - Well, I mean I... - You mean the rag mop, don't ya? - Excuse me! The one Who can't manage a simple declarative sentence! The Wimp! The Wuss! Well... I changed. I'm much stronger than I used to be. You are self-righteous! You pipsqueek. Shut up, you arthritic sex kitten. - Shut up, Morty's girl. - Monique's mom! Stop it! You're both selfish assholes. - Oh, my face! Oh, my God. - That is enough. Have We forgotten What We're doing here? What has happened to us? We're supposed to help each other, not rip each other to shreds. She's right. You knoW, I gotta say I always Wondered - - hoW drunk Cynthia was When she decided - - to do a jackknife onto Park Ave. - Mom. - What's Wrong? I came right over. Things are not Working out the way I planned. And you called me? Oh, my God! I don't knoW. It's just completely falling apart. We're at each other's throats. It's like it's all my fault. I'm just useless. - You are not! - Honey, I am. The past feW Weeks you've been a totally different person. You've stopped apologizing for yourself all the time. I knoW. I'm sorry, honey. This First Wives Club thing can't Work and it never could. You make it Work. It can. You can make it Work. Call Brenda and Elise. I can't call them. What Will I say to them? This is just... I should have seen this. I should've seen this coming. I knoW. Why not Write each of them a note! Or maybe send a hanging plant. Just a suggestion. No, Mom. No, it's over. It's over. Brenda? I don't want to be like Cynthia. - I'm sorry. - It's OK. Come on in. - I've never been to your apartment. - I knoW. - Annie! - Annie! Annie, What are you doing? Elise, it's your loft. I'm storing some things or I'll burn them if you want. - But Why? - Why? Are you kidding? We've completely embarrassed ourselves. We've become exactly What the World thinks We are. And our ex-husbands! We are "The Three Witches". Witches? Well, I'll tell you something! - Witches have poWers. - What? They do! They've poWers for good and evil. Brenda and I are OK noW. We've figured out What We think We knoW What We want. I knoW What Went Wrong. The Whole crackpot idea Went Wrong. Revenge and egos... Thinking We could fix our silly lives. - Exactly! We Were thinking too small. - What are you talking about? We Were trying to get back at our ex's, Which is a start - - but it isn't enough. It's so petty and limited! No Wonder We're snarling at each other. No Wonder We're at each other's throats. Listen! We have to take our plan and expand it. First thing, We take care of our oWn guys - - because they really have it coming. Then... We go global! How? Are you interested because I'll tell you. I don't knoW if I'm interested. What if We erupt again? Or Elise, What if you start drinking, and, Brenda, you start sniping? - Been there! - Done that! - It's not enough for me. - Annie... Take a good look at Elise. Look at her! I'm sober. And I'm going to do the play. - Really? - I'll be there front roW opening night. Our friendship is everything. Don't leave. We can't fall apart noW. But even if We want to, We don't have enough information. Of course, We do have stuff on Aaron and Morty. But What about Bill? We're still on square one. No, not exactly. I admit all he's done so far is legal... ...as far as he knows. - What do you mean? - It's all a question of angles. - Are you in? - Are you back? - Talk. - Well... After you. I'm seriously thinking of taking the role of Monique's Mom. And I've been thinking about Who she is - - What she's about. I'm sure you're doing the same thing With Monique. Sure. I've been thinking like, streaks... ...just around my face. Oh! And What a beautiful face. Anyway, the reason I called is if We're going to Work together - - I think We should get to knoW one another. It's important. Bill is so Wrong. - You are not Satan. - Oh, stop! Do you need a TV or a VCR or a personal computer? Who's the first name in top quality - - loW-cost appliances? Let's ask this beautiful young lady here. - Excuse me, ma'am. - Why, hello! - Hello. - Hi. I'm in the market for a loW-quality, top-cost appliance. - Cut! - Shelly. Top-quality, loW-cost. - Morton Cushman. - Yeah, Why? You have the right to remain silent. What's going on here? I'm shooting a commercial. Federal Marshals acting on behalf of the IRS. Bobby, call my lawyer. On November 28th, at exactly 1400 hours - - Operation Hell's Fury swung into action. - Morning. - Hi. - How's my day shaping up? - Poor Daddy, it's going to be hell. Your 9 o'clock's waiting in the conference room. Okie-dokie. So, Where do I stand here now? We'll also bill the expenses including but not limited to... What is this? Miss Eliot. Please... - I'm begging you. Please. - Brett, We love the neW draft... Phoebe's crazy about it. She's going to read it. Elise, I'm trying to make a movie here. - Hold your calls. - That was an important phonecall. - Where's my first check? - Just sit doWn and shut up! OK? NoW, let's take a meeting. - Hello, Sunshine! - Welcome. This is kidnaping. I Will crucify you. You want to talk crucifixion? Happy Easter, Morty. - Big deal! - Letters from Brenda's father... ...about stocking your stores With stolen merchandise. - What do they call it in the tabloids? - "Hot stuff". Criminal activity. You should be ashamed. Wake up and smell the audit. Aaron, I just had a little talk With Erik and Marc. It seems the business is very dysfunctional. Sort of like our marriage. So... I bought them out. What? - Yeah, I think We ought to go. - That's a good idea. - Goodbye, Erik. - Good luck to you. - Annie - Oh, Marc. - Love ya. - I do love that suit. You couldn't possibly pull off something like this. Where did you get this kind of money? As agreed, I sold our assets to a friend of mine. Here's your half. Fifty cents? Considering our history together, I thought a dollar was very fair. Oh, all right! Take it all. - What do you want? Money? - Every cent. You're out of your mind. You can hand it over and live happily ever after. You can give it to the government and get 10 to 20. Maybe Duarto can do your cell. I see... bars. You can't do this to me. - But I have done it. - You Wouldn't. You... couldn't. It seems I could and I did. You knoW What, Aaron? I forgot hoW much fun Work can be. If you take my agency from me, I'll walk. - I'll take my clients With me. - Be my guest. I'm not kidding! I Will take every single account. This place Without me... - It Would be Worthless. - I don't think so, babe. Not after the neW $45,000,000 account I just landed. NeW account? What account? Morty's Electronics Will be under my control. Advertising, marketing strategy... Everything! You Will stay on as President, because after all... you are Morty. You Will receive a salary Which Will keep you in the lifestyle - - to Which I think you should become accustomed. I don't see What else you can do. It's this orjail. So I dumped you for another Woman. Get over it! Lift something. Wax something. Have something peeled. You're right! I hate to admit it, but I'm jealous. Miss Lavelle is absolutely gorgeous. She's a bright neW star. Interested, Elise? Want to drink her blood? HoW old is she, Bill? 25? 26? - 21. - Yeah. In about five years! She's 16. - What? - TWo years ago... ...she left high school in NeWkirk, Idaho. Should've done your homeWork, Bill. I did. - A copy of her birth certificate. - Oh, God. I didn't knoW. My God! What are you going to do? What am I going to do? Right noW, I'm just using the "f" Word. Felony! I think We should continue this discussion in my office. In your office? Is that all you can do? Think of yourself, yourself, yourself! If you go through With this, I'll have nothing. Everyone in toWn is looking for the neW guy. HoW can I compete? Who else is going to want me? I'm 46 years old. I'd have to start from scratch. I knoWjust hoW you feel. Oh, Aaron... GroW from love. Annie McDuggan FIRST WIVES CLUB I don't hate you. I Wish I could. But you're still kind of cute - - for a overbearing, cradle-robbing Spandex-sucking criminal. So, I'm not going to take all your money. Don't misunderstand. I'm going to take plenty. And I'm going to hang onto these because I have a favor to ask. Be there in two hours! While We Were married, I helped you. NoW it's your turn to help others. - Where are you going? - To see Barbara Walters. - Oh, my God! - Scared? You Won't talk about this, Will you? That depends on you. Be there at that address in two hours, babe! What Brenda meant by thinking globally- - was that it wasn't enough to make our ex-husbands suffer. To do the truly charitable, unselfish thing - - we'd have to make them suffer over and over again. - So, What are you guys in for? - Gentlemen! And Daddy. Honey... What's going on? I can't handle more surprises today. Oh, Daddy... I'm a lesbian... A big one. Gentlemen, We've brought you here today for a specific reason. This is not about retaliation or negotiation - - and this is not about men versus Women. What is it then? I'm sick of this, OK. - Please don't make her mad. - No, no, this is not a revenge thing. This is about justice. Halfway through this operation We realized - - the only people Who'd be helped by revenge Would be us. - We'd be no better than you. - Happier but no better. Exhilarated but no better! Ecstatic but no better! So We thought again. A very dear friend of ours died from neglect. You're going to help us make sure that never happens again. - Like hell We are. - Can't make us. No... but Vito can. Joey can. And Uncle Carmine can. - What do We have to do? - You have to pay. The funny thing was when we finally had our ex'sjust where we wanted - - revenge didn't seem so important. So, we came up with something better. It's an important day here in NeW York City for all Women - - at the opening of the Cynthia Griffin Crisis Center for Women. It's an amazing facility and I'm here talking to three amazing Women. Please tell me about your facility. This center is dedicated in memory to our very dear friend Cynthia Swann. We plan on offering counseling - - family therapy and, of course, abuse intervention for all. So many Women are in need here in Manhattan. Can I ask Whether it's true that the idea for this center started because - - each of you had a husband that left you for a younger Woman? Yes, yes. They really are amazing Women. Good for you! Congratulations for all the great Work. NeW York thanks you. I'm asking you as a favor. Come in for one minute With me. - We have to talk about the Wedding. - What are you talking about? - You Won't even set a date. - Exactly. Because this isn't Working. I am not feeling special. I am not feeling loved. And noW this place. Morty, I am not Brenda. - No, you're not! - Duh! Lvana... I want to thank you for coming so much. - You're an angel. - Of course, Elise. Thank you so much again. Ladies, you have to be strong and independent. - And remember? - What? Don't get mad. Get everything! - Mrs. Goldberg? - Yes. Carmine Morelli... Brenda's uncle. - Yes, of course. - Nice to meet you. What a Wonderful occasion! Helping people through a buffet! - Mom, it's a great party. - Thank you, sWeetie. You knoW, Annie, this place is terrific. I think you did the right thing, divorcing Aaron. I salute you. I have something to add. Annie, you're not getting any younger. Or thinner. - You knoW What I think you need? - No. Absolutely nothing! Baby... SWeetheart! Come on, Jason. Just one time around the floor. - Come on. Get real. - I'm your mother. I command you. You gotta have something to tell your shrink. Look at this. Isn't this fantastic? I'm so proud. - Hi, kids. - Hi, Morty. Dad, save me. She's trying to dance With me. Leave him alone. He's a good kid. - I knoW that. - Not like his Dad. - What? - I'm getting out of the line of fire. - You look good, Bren. - You too. - Thank you. - Where's Shel? - In the car. - Glove compartment? Trunk. Let me ask you a question. Was I this old When We Were married? Yes. But I liked you this old. Me too. - Wanna? - Sure. It was clear that Brenda and Morty were headed for a reconciliation. Elise was dating an actor in her hit play. As for me, Aaron and Dr. Rosen split up. He wants to come home again and he feels emotionally ready- - to recommit to an equitable and caring relationship. I told him to drop dead. - Excuse me, got a light? - Sure. - Nice car. Used to have one myself. - Thanks. So, What's going on in there? Is it just lot of battered Women dancing? Yeah, sort of. Not really my scene. Me, neither. So, you here With anybody? - Not really. - HoW old are you? Look at this place. It's just a total mess. - But a gorgeous mess. - You knoW, I can't believe it. We actually did it. We accomplished it together. I knoW. We did it. Oh, God, I Wish Cynthia was here. She is... She is in a way. OK, We're 1990s Women. What is it We really, really need? - You are never going to change. - And I hope not. I hope We never change and We always stay the same... Tired and happy. - Maybe a little bit brave. - Brave? - You mean, "brave". - What do you mean? - You don't oWn me - You're not funny! No way. I'm out. Stop it! No, I'm not gonna... - You don't oWn me - Leave me alone. Don't say I can't go With other boys And don't tell me What to do And don't tell me What to say And When I go out With you Don't put me on display - Pretty good! - You remembered! You don't oWn me! Don't try to change me in any way You don't oWn me Don't tie me doWn 'cause I'll never stay I don't tell you What to say I don't tell you What to do So just let me be myself That's all I ask of you I'm young and I love to be young I'm free and I love to be free To live my life the way that I want To say and do Whatever I please