The Flawed Couple

(Setting: The Skull and Dagger. Abis Mal is talking to Akbar, who is throwing knives at a dartboard.)

Abis Mal: …then he snatched the magic girdle off the enchanted walrus, which turned the three-headed vegetable demons against me and forced me to flee in defeat! And that's how Aladdin thwarted my last fiendish plot! Oh! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!

Akbar: Akbar think little man need to relax. When last vacation?

Abis Mal: Oh, now I'm hanging around this den of thieves again. (looks around to see if anyone else is watching, then takes a box out of his sash) But, he won't beat me this time, thanks to my mood stones. Just put them near somebody and they take on the mood of the stone. (opens the box, which contains many different colored stones) Different colors for different moods. (picks up a blue stone and starts to cry) Blue is for sadness. (picks up a white stone and starts to laugh)White is for happiness! (holding the yellow stone) Yellow is for fear! (holds the stone far away from himself, shaking, then crawls back to the box and puts it back, and picks up a pink stone)Pink is for (sighs) love. Isn't that right, you beautiful little stone? (kisses the pink stone, then puts it back and picks up a green one) Green is for envy. Ooh, I wish I were green! But no, I have to be this stupid flesh tone! (picks up all the stones at once, starts crying) The only problem is (laughing) how can I use them (fearfully) without affecting myself? (puts the stones back in the box)

Akbar: Akbar think little man need professional help.

Abis Mal: These beauties are my key to destroying Aladdin. Hey… (picks up a purple stone) what do you suppose purple is for? (with a British accent) Whatever possessed me to show such an ignorant toad my precious stones?

Akbar: Akbar going to pretend he didn't hear that…

Abis Mal: (puts the stone back in the box) Whoa! I guess purple makes you hoity-toity! (looks disgusted) Next think you know I would have been ordering mint tea and little biscuits.

Mechankles: Innkeeper! (enters the Skull and Dagger) One mint tea and make it snappy! Oh, and bring me some of those little biscuits as well. (dusts off a pillow and sits down; mumbling to himself) Throw me off a cliff, will he? Well, he'll rue the day he soiled my tunic!

(The cook brings Mechanikles a tray with his tea and biscuits. Abis Mal is staring at Mechanikles.)

Mechanikles: It's about time!

(The cook leaves, annoyed.)

Mechanikles: (to Abis Mal) Stop staring, Cro Magnon, it'll make your forehead slope more.

Abis Mal: Cro-what? Are you insulting me?

Mechanikles: My, an insight! Do you expect another anytime soon?

Abis Mal: No! I-I mean yes, I mean… could you repeat the question?

Mechanikles: I'll thank you to keep your inanities to yourself. I have a crushing defeat to get over. (reading a scroll) Now let's see, how shall I destroy Aladdin?

Abis Mal: Hey! Hey hey hey! Hold the phone there, Mr. Pigtails! I'm gonna destroy Aladdin!

Mechanikles: Impossible! I have reserved that honor for myself!

(A group of thieves who are trying to play cards shoot dirty looks at Abis Mal and Mechanikles for disturbing them.)

Abis Mal: Oh, right. You and what horde? You don't look so tough. What makes you think Aladdin would even fight you?

Mechanikles: I'll have you know Aladdin has defeated me many times before!

Abis Mal: Ha! Not as many times as he's wiped the floor with my rear!

Mechanikles: (poking Abis in the stomach) Yes, I imagine you would make a good dust mop!

Abis Mal: Oh yeah? Well you'd make a good… uh…

Thief 1: The skinny one grates on my nerves like the desert sands!

Abis Mal: …some kind of bug! That smells really…

Thief 2: The fat one is no walk in the oasis either!

Mechanikles: I shall rend you limb from limb!

Abis Mal: Well I shall bite you!

Akbar: Akbar heard enough dysfunctional bickering! Time to crush! (advances on them)

Abis Mal: Uh oh!

(The other thieves start advancing on them as well.)

Mechanikles: (takes a mechanical beetle out of his tunic and winds it up) Fools! You shall regret this affront!

(He lets the beetle go, and it flies towards the thieves and tries to snap at them with its tiny jaws. They try to swat it, annoyed.)

Abis Mal: (holds up the yellow mood stone) The yellow stone oughta put the fear of Abis Mal into you! (suddenly frightened) Yow! Don't hurt me! I'm afraid of being hurt! I'm afraid of being afraid! I'm afraid of being!

(The thieves start to laugh. Akbar grabs the mechanical beetle out of the air and crushes it.)

Akbar: Akbar crush silly toy.

(Akbar throws the beetle toward Abis Mal, knocking the yellow stone out of his hand. The stone gets lodged in the beetle's jaws, then they both fall to the floor.)

Akbar: Now Akbar crush silly man!

Mechanikles: Now, no need to be hasty…

(The beetle recovers and flies toward Akbar, still holding the yellow stone. Akbar screams and runs away. It then flies after the other thieves, who also run away.)

Abis Mal: Hey, that works pretty good!

Mechanikles: My insect is not affected by the stone!

Abis Mal: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Mechanikles: Revenge on Aladdin?

Abis Mal: Revenge on Aladdin!

(They shake hands.)

(Setting: Mechanikles' underground hideout. Abis Mal is watching as Mechanikles finishes attaching the mood stones to the backs of tiny mechanical beetles.)

Mechanikles: That's the last one!

Abis Mal: Now to turn these suckers loose on Aladdin!

Mechanikles: Ah ah ah, it is not that simple.

Abis Mal: Sure it is! We throw the bugs at 'em then run like crazy.

Mechanikles: Uh uh. We need an airtight scheme, thought out down to the last detail. I have drafted a plan that will spell certain doom for Aladdin. (holds up a scroll)

Abis Mal: Hey, what about my plans? I've got great plans! You've never seen such amazing plans!

Mechanikles: And what is your plan?

Abis Mal: I, uh… figured we'd, uh… throw the bugs at 'em and run like crazy? Okay, so it could use a little work!

Mechanikles: Mmm hmm. Now, step one: we lure Aladdin and his friends here with a cunning ploy I've devised.

(Setting: Agrabah, at the edge of town. A woman is outside washing clothes. Abis Mal walks up to her.)

Abis Mal: Help! Oh, help me! Oh won't you please? (coughs) Cave in… brother… still trapped.

Woman: Oh, how terrible! Where?

Abis Mal: Here! (gives her a map, then starts coughing again) Take… map to palace. My only hope. (faints)

Woman: I will! I will do so! (runs off)

Abis Mal: Ah, mom was right. I shoulda gone into showbiz!

(Later that day, Aladdin and his friends fly toward Mechanikles' hideout, following the map.)

Aladdin: There! That's where the cave should be.

(They walk into the cave and look around; they don't see anyone.)

Aladdin: Hello?! Hello?!

Iago: Well, you win some, you lose some. Who's up for poker back at the palace?

Abis Mal: (far off) Hello?!

Jasmine: Where are you?!

Abis Mal: Down here!

Aladdin: Come on, we'll follow his voice.

(They walk deeper into the cave.)

Jasmine: We've got to keep him talking.

Aladdin: Yeah. Hey! What's your name?!

Abis Mal: My name?! Uh, my name is… Amad. No, Razim! No, Eric! I always wanted to be named Eric.

(Mechanikles hits him.)

Abis Mal: Ow!

Aladdin: What?

Abis Mal: That's my name! Amad Razim Eric.

Aladdin: This guy's been down here much longer than we thought. Uh, hang in there, uh, Eric! We're almost there!

Abis Mal: Oh, I'm not going anywhere…

(Aladdin and his friends come upon what looks like a body lying on the floor.)

Aladdin: There!

(They run up to the "body", but they then see that it's just a dummy. Abis Mal and Mechanikles laugh their distinctive laughs.)

Aladdin: Mechanikles!

Jasmine: And Abis Mal!

Abis Mal: Right on both counts!

(The ground begins to shake, and a giant mechanical scorpion drops from the ceiling and starts to come after them.)

Abis Mal: Say goodnight, Aladdin!

(The scorpion shoots its stinger at the roof of the cave, causing rubble to drop down on the gang. The two villains laugh. Genie then emerges from the rubble as a monster truck, with the others riding inside.)

Genie: Sunday sunday sunday! One day only, it's rock crushing genie madness! See the genie emerge on stage from one ton of bone-breaking rubble! Be there!

(Genie stops and the others climb out of the truck. The way they came in is blocked by rubble.)

Aladdin: Well, we can't go back that way. We're trapped!

Jasmine: With Abis Mal and Mechanikles.

Iago: I told you this good Samaritan bit would blow up in your face some day.

Aladdin: We're sitting ducks here. We have to keep going.

Genie: But Al, what if it's a trap?!

Iago: Here's a shekel. Invest in a clue! We are trapped in here, therefore it is a trap!

Jasmine: Well, I don't see what choice we have.

Aladdin: Right. Come on.

(They walk deeper into the cave. Abis Mal watches them from the hideout through a periscope.)

Abis Mal: Ooh, there he is! Woohoo! This is so cool!

Mechanikles: Now comes…

Abis Mal and Mechanikles: The fun part!

Mechanikles: Pull the pink lever!

Abis Mal: Pulling the pinkie!

(The pink beetle is released, and flies toward the gang. It lands on Iago's back and crawls under his feathers.)

Iago: Say, I feel kinda… (looks down and sees Jasmine, then sighs) Wow!

Aladdin: This is strange. I expected some sort of… ambush.

Jasmine: What do they want? What's the point of trapping us in here?

Iago: (landing on Jasmine's shoulder) Well, I for one don't mind being trapped… with you. When I feast my peepers on you, toots, I feel like a brand new hatchling.

Jasmine: Quit fooling around, Iago. (smacks him away)

Iago: Playing hard to get, is she? Well, the tougher the battle, the sweeter the conquest!

Aladdin: Come on, this way.

Mechanikles: (watching through the scope) That's right, keep moving toward your inescapable doom!

(Mechanikles and Abis Mal both laugh.)

Abis Mal: This evil cackling is the best part about being a villain.

Mechanikles: Now pull the green lever!

Abis Mal: Green lever, coming up!

(The green beetle starts to fly toward them.)

Iago: (landing on Jasmine's shoulder again, doing an Elvis impression) I'm a bird of burnin' love for you!

(Jasmine smacks him away again, and the green beetle lands in her hair.)

Iago: Why don't you ditch that Aladdin guy, huh? Sure he's got nice hair, but I can fly.

Jasmine: Oh, how I envy you! You and Genie and Carpet can all fly. I wish I could fly!

Abu: Huh?

Jasmine: And why do we always have to follow Aladdin? How come I'm never in the lead?

Iago: Say the word and he's history, my love!

Aladdin: Jasmine, if you wanna lead, go right ahead!

Jasmine: I do! (pushes him out of the way)

Mechanikles: (watching through the scope) Yes, they are completely at my mercy!

Abis Mal: Ahem. Our mercy. I just wanna make sure that both of our mercies are involved here. This is a multi-mercy operation!

Mechanikles: Fine, fine, fine. Now! Pull the blue and white levers!

Abis Mal: Consider them pulled.

(The white beetle lands on Abu, and the blue one on Carpet. Abu then rolls on the floor laughing, while Carpet lies around, moping.)

Aladdin: What's with those two?

Jasmine: Oh, why can't I have that much fun? I wish I were a monkey.

Iago: Why would you want to change the walking perfection that mortals know only as Jasmine?!

Aladdin: Everybody's acting so weird.

Genie: Hmm, Abis Mal and Mechanikles. Two bad tastes that taste bad together.

Aladdin: This has gotta be one of their tricks. But how are they doing it?

Mechanikles: (watching) Oh, you'll find out, Aladdin. But by then we'll be ready to pull the big lever!

Abis Mal: Pull the big lever? Okay, fine!

Mechanikles: No, you nincompoop! We are not ready for that yet!

(It's too late; Abis has already pulled the lever. A giant mechanical praying mantis emerges from the floor of the tunnel.)

Genie: Uh oh!

Aladdin: Everybody scatter!

(Abu laughs at the mantis.)

Jasmine: Oh, I wish I were a fearsome engine of destruction!

Iago: And the flames of my love would power you, no?

Aladdin: Come on! Run!

(The mantis grabs for Aladdin, who somersaults out of the way.)

Aladdin: Whoa!

(Aladdin tries to run away, but he comes to a cliff. Genie pushes him out of the mantis' way, and they both go hurtling off the cliff.)

Jasmine: Oh, I wish I were plummeting to my doom!

Iago: Now nothing stands between us, my celestial fruit basket of joy!

(Abu is still laughing uncontrollably. The mantis starts heading towards them. Genie turns into Mary Poppins, and floats them down safely with her umbrella.)

Aladdin: Thanks, Genie. You did great.

Genie: Well, I am practically perfect in every way.

(Mechanikles searches through the tunnels with his scope.)

Mechanikles: No… no… no… Curses! There is no sign of him or his blasted genie!

Abis Mal: So maybe he's dead?

(They both think for a moment.)

Abis Mal and Mechanikles: He's alive…

(The mantis bursts into the room, carrying Jasmine, Iago, Abu, and Carpet.)

Mechanikles: Egad! Plan B! (reads from a scroll) "Capture Aladdin's friends, wait for him to rescue."

Abis Mal: He'll come to us!

Mechanikles: It's just a matter of time. Plan B is approved. (stamps the scroll) Initial here.

(Abis signs the scroll.)

(Genie and Aladdin are still floating down to the ground.)

Genie: Holy moley! This must be where Mechanikles builds all his machines!

(The centipede robots from "My Fair Aladdin" are mining. There's a railroad track going through the tunnel, with carts on the track.)

Aladdin: So these carts must lead to him.

(Genie turns one of the carts into a train.)

Genie: All aboard! Next stop, the bad guys!

(They follow the track until they come to Mechanikles' hideout. Mechanikles and Abis Mal don't see them. Mechanikles is pacing, while Abis eats drumsticks.)

Mechanikles: I hate waiting! We'd have him by now if some dunderhead hadn't pulled the wrong lever!

Abis Mal: Well maybe I wouldn't have pulled the wrong lever if… if… Okay, so I can't think of an if. You're still not as smart as you think you are.

(Aladdin and Genie sneak toward where the others are being held.)

Mechanikles: Really? It was my idea to mount your mood stones on my insects.

Abis Mal: And without my mood stones you'd still be boo-hoo-hoo-ing over your mint tea!

Aladdin: That's how they're controlling the others. Mood stones!

Mechanikles: I should never have approved this merger!

Abis Mal: (picks up Mechanikles' stamp) Oh, it's approved. (starts stamping random documents)And so's this, and this, and this, and this, and this!

(Mechanikles is so angry he starts babbling incoherently.)

Aladdin: This is our chance!

(Abis Mal and Mechanikles are rolling around on the floor, fighting.)

Abis Mal: Approve this! (stamps Mechanikles' face)

Mechanikles: (gasp) My face! My flawless face!

(Abis is about to stamp him again, but he sees Aladdin and Genie run past.)

Abis Mal: (gasp) Aladdin!

Aladdin: (pulling Jasmine and Iago out of the mantis' grasp) Come on, we've got to move!

Abis Mal: Not so fast!

Mechanikles: This time we're ready! (pulls the big lever)

(The mantis comes back to life. It drops the four people it had been holding on to and moves to attack Aladdin and Genie.)

Genie: (as a missile) Say your prayers, mantis!

Mechanikles: No, no no no no no, we can't have that! (pulls the purple lever)

Aladdin: Smash it, Genie!

(The purple bug lands on Genie. He turns into an English gentleman in a suit.)

Genie: And why should I demean myself with such an act of common labor?

(Aladdin runs away from the mantis and jumps into one of the carts of ore.)

Abis Mal: Time for the finale?

Mechanikles: The fear stone! (pulls the yellow lever)

Aladdin: (as the yellow bug lands on him) Yaaah!

(Two seats open up in the mantis' abdomen, and Mechanikles and Abis Mal climb inside.)

Aladdin: What am I doing up here? (jumps out of the cart and runs away) I could get hurt!

Abis Mal: That fear stone got you running?

Aladdin: Got to hide! (makes frightened noises, and continues to run away)

Mechanikles: Feel the fear welling up in your soul, Aladdin!

Aladdin: (hiding in a corner, hyperventilating) I'm not afraid, it's just the stone. It's just the stone.

Abis Mal: Come out, Aladdin! Or your friends are dog meat. We'll start by stomping them, one by one.

Mechanikles: That's right! You know we'll puree them all to get to you!

Abis Mal: Maybe we'll start with… Jasmine.

Aladdin: No, I'm not afraid! Can't… let them… hurt… Jasmine!

(The yellow stone explodes, Aladdin is back to normal and runs out of hiding.)

Mechanikles: Over there!

(The mantis snaps at Aladdin and misses, but accidentally knocks over a vat of molten metal in the process. It starts to melt the mantis' legs.)

Abis Mal and Mechanikles: Uh oh…

(The wave of molten metal hits a column and starts to melt it away, and the ceiling begins to crack.)

Mechanikles: The support! If it gives the whole mountain will collapse!

Aladdin: Genie, get us outta here!

Genie: My dear boy, I am a genie of the highest caliber. And I—

(The column collapses.)

Aladdin: No!

(Aladdin pulls all the levers back, and the bugs with the mood stones leave Aladdin's friends.)

Genie: Whoa, what happened?

Jasmine: I feel so strange…

Iago: Whoa, I got such a migraine!

(The white beetle lands on Mechanikles, and the green one on Abis Mal.)

Aladdin: Genie, now!

Genie: (putting them all in a rocket) Hang on!

(Aladdin and his friends get out just before the mountain collapses. They then land on a cliff and look down at the rubble.)

Genie: Okay, no one could have survived that.

Aladdin: If anybody could survive, it'd be those two snakes.

(Setting: under the collapsed mountain. Abis Mal and Mechanikles are alive and still inside the mantis.)

Mechanikles: That Aladdin! He destroyed my secret hideout and foiled another villainous scheme! (white stone kicks in, he laughs) And, I'm dirty! Oh, how delightful!

Abis Mal: (has the green stone on his hat) I envy Aladdin. He always beats me. And such a nice, thick head of hair. (sigh)

THE END