DC Comics Special III: Magical Friendship

1 [Grunts] I know you said dressing on the side, but I got a little excited. DC approved! They're just two best buds [music] Friendship is complex Crime ain't gonna stop 'em from Metropolis to Gotham Wearing capes on their necks Well, one has an "S" And you know one has a bat One bangs a reporter And the other bangs a chick Who's a [bleep] cat Oh, saving the day Having assloads of fun The alien is stronger 'cause of our yellow sun They're two best buds They're inseparable friends They're never gonna argue over whose penis is longer 'Cause they're bros to the end It's the "Robot Chicken DC Comics Special 3 Magical Friendship!" [Horns honking] This is a nice ride, Batman. - Real leather? - Bat skin. It's expensive, but, you know, billionaire. I get the theme, but that seems a little cruel. I hate bats. You should see the cave when alfred goes on vacation. Guano everywhere. [Bleep] 'em. Learning something about my buddy. It's good to catch up like this. How was your time in space? Ah, you know, had to clear out some Daxamites hiding on Saturn. - You ever get out to Saturn? - No, I can't survive in space. Oh, right, because you don't have any powers. Well, turns out Saturn's a lot like Daxam. - You ever realize that? - I've never been to Daxam. Oh, right, because you don't have any powers. Well, as I'm rounding them up, one goes, wait, this isn't Daxam?" And I [laughs] And I go, "do you think the west continent was still celebrating Lord Daxam's third age, you filthy Daxamite?" Get it? - I said I've never been to Daxam. - Well, guess you had to be there. How long till the hall of justice? What was the name of that show that was just like "Knight Rider" except with a motorcycle? I think Frank Fontana from "Murphy Brown" was in it? You remember that? - Oh, "Street Hawk. " - "Street Hawk. " [Computer clicking] "Street Hawk"! So, the Legion of Doom is targeting the strategic oil reserves. Wait, sorry, who's the new guy? That's the newest member of the Justice League - Guy with a rock. - Hey, pleased to meet you. - This guy's a superhero? - Of course. - And just what are his powers? - Show him, Guy with a rock. [Grunting] - Hyah! - Yeah! All right! So "Guy with a rock" is just a guy with a rock? Hey, G-rock has been thoroughly vetted. Damn it, Superman, is this more of your "hilarious" commentary - on how I have no powers? - Hey, hey, this isn't all about you. Green Arrow is also a powerless muggle. What?! "F" you in the "A"! I'm out of here! [Grunting] Damn door is stuck again! - Hyah! - Damn it! [Laughter] Here's your hundred bucks. Well spent. You know, I could really use steady employment, - so if there's [clank] - Just get out of here! [Cheering] [Clucking] Ding, ding. [Squawks] [Whimpering] Man on TV: We now return to "Grumpy Cat's worst Christmas ever. " Grumpy Cat: Christmas is ruined, meow, meow. [Purring] Hey, Batman, what's this locked file? [Sighs] I suppose it's time I shared this secret with you, Robin. I keep a dossier on every superhero. - Oh, like birthdays, allergies? - No, Robin, how to kill them. Superman has been Earth's greatest champion just ask him. But if he turned evil, it could mean Earth's total annihilation. That's why I built this a batarang fashioned from his one weakness Kryptonite. I pray never to have to use it. Anyway, that's lunch. So you want Subway today or What about the other heroes? [Sighs] The key to stopping the fastest man alive misdirection. [giggle] [clap] Well, I'm out. [Screams] Robin: Fire is his one weakness! Yeah, fire is everyone's weakness. It's [bleep] fire. - But I don't have enough cash. - We'll work something out wink, wink. Oops! That belongs in a different folder! Ooh, what about my file?! [beep] Why's my file empty? Uh, anyway, that's lunch. Shakey's or No, Batman, I want to know! If I turned evil, what ingenious plan have you devised in order - Ow! I give up, I give up! - Just kind of like that. Ma, I got here as quickly as I could! - What's the emergency?! - Hello, Superman. Or should I say Kal-El? You are Kal-El, right? Son of Jor-El and Lara. I'm Transar. I'm a private investigator from Krypton. I've been looking for you all over the universe for many, many years. What? No, no, Krypton was destroyed. I'm really sorry to tell you this. Krypton is fine. You see, your parents were in the middle of a nasty divorce, and your mom's lawyer, a woman by the name of Bar-El no relation well, she's a hell of a divorce lawyer. And so your dad kept threatening to put you in a rocket and blast you off into space if your mom didn't back off. Nobody believed he'd really do it. I mean, every once in a while, you read about one of these custody battles where a parent kills their own kid as a way of hurting the other parent, but obviously something that horrific is pretty rare. But on the day of the mediation, no one could find Jor-El. And your mom's attorney asked Jor-El's attorney, a guy named Braun-El again, no relation. She asked Braun-El where the hell Jor-El was. You see, everyone had agreed to meet on a time that Jor-El had insisted on at like 11:00 in morning or 10:00 whatever, it makes no difference. I don't know why I told you that part. So anyway, they're all standing in the driveway in front of the house, you know, and everyone's wondering where is Jor-El. And then they hear someone shout, "hey, you dumb bitch!" Sorry for the blue language, ma'am. That's what he said. And they all look up, and standing on the balcony is your dad. And he's holding a remote-control thingie, and he says, "hey, you dumb bitch!" Again, I'm sorry, ma'am. Those were his words. "You can have the house and the car, but you can't have the [bleep] baby. " And he presses a button on the remote, and a goddamn rocket lifts off from the roof, and you were in it. I mean, it was unbelievable! So, of course, you know, they took him right to jail. And your mom's attorney hired me to go looking for you. And after searching half the goddamn universe, here we are. That's probably a lot of information to take in, isn't it? If it's not too much trouble, could I have another cup of coffee? Come on! We'll be safe in this alley! Bank robbers! Always looking for a safe! Too bad Plastic Man's here to bounce your check. - Rubber Man! - Huh? Plastic doesn't stretch. You're Rubber Man. The robber is referring to plastic as a noun, but plastic as an adjective, for example in the name Plastic Man, means easily shaped or molded. That's also where the term plastic surgery comes from. [Chuckles] Who are you talking to? You're too late, detective. Once I enter the lazarus pit, I'll become fully rejuvenated. [Laughing] But wait, what?! Okay, very funny! Now, help me out. Sure, let met just oops! That was funny for like a second. [sighs] I should have put a ladder in here. Hey, this thing's, like, four feet deep! I'll kill you for this, mother [bleep] Well, I just killed a baby. Employee: Uh, Mr. Cy Borg. - Oh, here. - Oh, here. - Oh, my fallen parents, how I miss you. - Batman, we've got to oh. You're still doing this, huh? It's called a day of mourning, butthole, not 15 minutes. But you wouldn't know that because you've never lost anyone close to you. Not true! I lost Lois! Then I turned back time by flying around the world and fixing everything! Well, we don't all have that power, now, do we? It's not about powers! It's about how much love is in your heart. - But, but - Anyone can turn back time, even you. - Huh? For real? - You've just got to want it. - I do want it! - Then run! Run with your heart. [Panting] Get out of my way! [Grunting] [Music] I'm coming, mommy! [Horn blares] [Panting] This seems really mean, Superman. You know, you're in his kill file, too. Yeah, you can do it, Batman! Faster! Man on TV: Beware the Mighty Simon, whose vast mental powers allow him to control virtually anyone's mind and move any object through his incredible telekinesis. Oh! [shattering glass] Uh 'kay. [Panting] I hope we're not disturbing you. Someone's got to inspire you guys, right? Eh? Yeah, my dead parents and your armpits really push me forward. Batman, take care with the cosmic treadmill. I use it to race beyond the limits of time and space. Don't worry, Flash. Batman's not gonna break any land speed records. [Grunts] [Grunting] Move your dicks, I'm coming through! Oh, gross, dude! Get a towel! [Alarm blaring] Huh, what?! Fire, fire! Everybody out! Fire alarm, people! Oh, hello, citizens. - Whoa. Is that Batman?! - I Hey, what the hell is that?! Nothing Nothing to watch here! I'm just taking a stroll! Uh, citizen, ma'am, good to see you. Hello, hello. Yes, I am the Knight. Hello. Mongul's war machine has killed thousands in El Salvador. Its next target appears to be Batman's balls! [Laughter] Who the hell pulled the fire alarm?! It's a regularly scheduled drill. Must not have CCed you on the old memo. Wait a minute! If you're Batman, who's this guy? [speaking Spanish] Hey, Batman was a no-show, so I grabbed the janitor. One guy in a Batman costume is just as good as any other, right? [Growling] [speaking Spanish] Okay, so the League ordered you into mandatory therapy, eh? That's always fun for me. So, you two fight like cats and dogs yes, would that be a fair way to put it? - More like "bats and dogs. " Up high. - What does that even mean? Because bats rhymes with cats, that's supposed to be a joke?! See? He's just cranky because I pointed out that a rich guy with no powers in a bat suit is cosplay. At Anime Expo, you're a dime a dozen. Cosplay? Anime Expo? Those aren't even words! Just garbage falling out of the stupid square-jawed face - of a super piece of shit! - Guys, I'm excited. I'm gonna give you some strategies that are gonna get you both out of this rut, because you're both tired of this, right? This isn't any fun, right, the arguing? And it should be fun! Being a superhero should be a lot of fun! We save the day and people look up to us, and we have these great bodies and we're physical and we wear these tight clothes and capes and boots that say, "look at us, we're having a ball!" But you two are not having a ball. But that's okay, and we're gonna fix it. It won't be fast and it won't be easy, - but if you're willing to do the work - Oh, no, I hear the bat signal! [Engine turns over, tires screech] That will be $400. Yeah, Mr. Payday! Oh, come on! [Tone rings] [Whistling and chirping] [Grunting] I understand losing to the Dark Knight, but that little twerp? Yeah, something about the boy wonder just throws people off. We'll see about tha Eh? [Grunts in slow-motion] So smooth! Mmm! Huh? [Grunts] Call me a dime a dozen? You think you're the only Superman in the universe? We'll see about that. Oh, what is this setting? Oh, mountain terrain. I'm trying to open an inter-dimensional portal, not bust some quads. Come on! [beeps] Oh, dear God, I'm seriously out of shape. Oh, there we go! Why the hell is Dr. Fate out of network? $400?! Thanks, Obama. Oh, hey, everybody. Mind if my new friend sits in on a meeting? [Gasping] What? It's no big deal just another Superman I found on Earth B. - They're a dime a dozen! - Nice try, bats. But that doesn't mean he's as good as me. I brought muffins! - Muffins! - Oh, muffins! - Thanks man! - Flash: I like this Superman! Red velvet, huh? I'll show them. I can bake. I just choose not to. I hope no one ate the banana muffin, 'cause that one's got my name on it. Better be more specific, or it might get eaten. You son a of a bitch! Another Batman?! Did you bring muffins, too? I did not, my fine super companions. I didn't want to offend anyone with a gluten allergy. He is very considerate. Oh, please, what can this Batman do that I can't?! [Scatting] Oh, yeah! What a dancer! - Gah! - Oh, no, you don't! Get ready for a taste of Superman from Earth D for dick! Well, you're already the Batman from Earth Your Mom! Yes! Yes, I win! Come to papa! [Chuckles] - What?! - Dear God! It's half a monster! - He He's some sort of - Composite Superman! - Composite Batman, you bastard! - Not if I tell people first! Fools! Soon this world and every world in the multiverse will bow to me! [Laughing] Ooh! "B. J. and the Bear"! You're not gonna believe this. Batman and I were Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did we break the multiverse? Wonder Woman: Uh, is this good or bad? [Chimp screeches] Bad! [Whooping] We've got a defcon red multiverse situation! - Oh! - I don't want to Hey, hey, hey, hey! Not so fast. [Chuckling] Hyah! I win! I'm unstoppable! Paper beats rock, bro. Not approved, not approved! [Snarling] [music] Man on TV: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom What in the who the hell are you? I'm Lex Luthor, hairdresser to the stars. A criminal mastermind hairdresser to the stars? Criminal mastermind? [chuckles] That doesn't make any sense. People love me! I have hair! Watch this! Boop, boop, boop, boop! [Cheering] [Grunting] [Grunts] [Grunts] Hello, Superman? Hey, ordinarily [bleep] you, but is there anything weird going on over there? Uh, define weird. Oh, I don't know, just weird like, out of the ordinary. Nope. Everything's good over here. - And you? - Couldn't be better. Just checking. Take care. Go [bleep] yourself. Bye! [Grunts] [Laughing] First appearing in 1961, the cosmic treadmill allowed the Flash to travel to the 21st century to face Professor Zoom. [Grunts] Actually, it's a Hollywood fallacy that a broken neck results in instant death. The circulatory [grunts] Whoa! Wow! - Hey. - You look like me! Name's Ward Burt Ward. Say, you ever driven a car? Batman never lets me drive! Well, that's my Cutlass Ciera over there. Hop in the trunk. Oh, boy! Wait, how am I supposed to drive from here? It's Burt time, baby! Who the What are your powers? There's not a batter in the entire national league who can hit my split-fingered knuckle ball. Oh. Well, I'm a criminal mastermind with the power of fear. Well, the way the bottom drops out of my breaking ball should be a crime! It fills batters with fear. I don't think we have anything in common at all. Wait a minute is that a "Gilmore Girls" blu-ray - in your back pocket? - Wait. Are you a Gilly? Ha, Gilly as charged! Riddle me this! Who's black and owns his own steamroller?! [Laughing] Another world to conquer. - Another Superman to destr - Damn it, Tyler! You're a grim-looking bunch compared to the villains in my world, but I have a feeling you fall down exactly the same! Ha ha! [Quacking] Penguin gas, eh? You never learn. It's anthrax. [Grunts] [Gagging] [Angelic vocalizing] He died for our sins. This crisis on, I don't know, several Earths is all our fault. We've got to set things right, whatever it takes! Are we here? Is it my turn to driv aagh! Another Batman?! [Tires squeal] You! Why are you doing this?! Isn't it obvious?! - It is not. - Once you super-powered fools are done extinguishing each other, I'll be the only one left. I'll rule the entire multiverse like a God! [laughs] Hey, Superman, you thinking what I'm thinking? You bet! Oh, God, that wasn't what I was thinking! [Grunts] Oh, you can't harm me. But I can kill you without lifting a finger. What?! What are you doing? - Giving you cancer with my X-ray vision. - Stop! Stop it! [Laughs] I wasn't even doing it, you idiot! Back off, Batman! This is a powers party. Sorry! [Grunts] Oops, sorry! Sorry! - Sorry! - Sorry. - Sorry! - Sorry. All right, just stop with the heat vision already! - My bad! - Think, Batman. He must have a weakness on his Superman side, obviously, because his Batman half wouldn't have any. [Laughs] Except [Gasps] That's it! Superman! - Kind of busy here. - If my calculations are correct, his bat-side is human and, therefore, vulnerable. So the best way to defeat him is to attack his left external carotid artery. Whoa, whoa, whoa! But what's the most fun way? Both: Bat-nards! [Grunts] Super balls. Super balls. - What? - Fulfill your purpose! [Grunts] Let's get nuts! [Grunts in slow-motion] Oh! [Laughs] I hope you learned your lesson, you son of a [Grunts] Oh, I'd say he learned it. What the Superman doesn't kill! I don't know, it just felt right. Hey, man, about all that, uh, you know, - "Batman sucks" stuff earlier - Ah, forget it. - Friends? - Super friends! - Uh-oh. - Oh, that can't be good. It must be the treadmill that's causing our worlds to converge! That's a dumb sentence, but you're right! [Electricity crackling] Damn it! He smashed the controls! We can't stop it! Wait! I have an idea. Flash, quick, get on the treadmill and run in the opposite direction. It worked in "Ferris Bueller. " "A," that was a movie. "B," it didn't work. Cameron got in big trouble. Well, this is it the end of everything. Only one thing we can do now. [Smooching] [romatnic music] Oh, god, I am good. We doing this? Let's just start with a hug and see where it goes. Come here, brother. Both: World's finest hug! [Grunts] Awkward. [Whirring] The crisis on a couple of Earths has been averted. All thanks to Batman! Thanks, guys, but I really couldn't have done it without my partner Superman! - Whoo! - Yeah, way to go, Batman! Oh, this is some bullshit right here! Lex Luthor: Sex Luthor is dead. Now I'm all about Sexx II Men! I'm still not crazy about the name. Oh, eat a [bleep] Fabio. One, two, three, four. There's four of us and one of you But you don't have to choose Baby, we're the ninja turtles You're the secret ooze Sexx II Men We're four locomotives And you're a sexy tunnel Now it's time to play a game We hope you brought a funnel Sexx II Men Sexx II Men Four hot dudes and one hot chick That makes a five-way highway We're gonna drive a tongue-mobile Directly up your thigh way Get down into a three-point stance As if it's first and 10 We're headed for your end zone It ain't pretty but it's Sexx II Men Ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk- a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk- a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk- a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-gawk! Bawk. [Scatting] Yes! Original Batman and Robin together again! Batman, Robin, and Robin the three amigos! - Right, guys?! - Sorry, third wheel. In the dynamic duo, there's no room for you-o. [Chuckles] [Music] Aw, darn it! Superman: Another job well done!