Everybody Loves Casey

FORMAN KITCHEN

Hyde walks into the kitchen. Eric is making a peanutbutter sandwhich

ERIC: Oh, Hyde, get this. Casey just came by to pick up Donna and he was out in the street just revving his Trans Am real loud and then he peels out in the street and he started doing doughnuts. And then, out comes Donna, all smiling and, like, looking at him.

HYDE: What a slut!

ERIC: Look. If she wants to date him, that's fine. But he doesn't have to be all loud and jerky about it. Jerky, loud, doughnut jerk.

KITTY (coming in): Oh, guess what, boys. I entered the big wiener contest at the Piggly Wiggly. And I won a year's supply of all-beef hot dogs! I'm a wiener winner! Well, anyway, we're having a barbecue.

RED: No, Kitty! I thought we were going to talk about that.

KITTY: Mm-hmm. Oh, and I saw Donna at the grocery store and she said she's bringing her friend Casey.

ERIC: What? No. I hate Casey. He's Donna's new boyfriend. Y…You have to uninvite him. Dad, tell her.

RED: Kitty, you've done a horrible thing. It could scar the boy for life. Now, let's do the right thing and cancel that barbecue.

KITTY: No. We're having it, and it'll be fun. And... we just…We won't give Casey any relish.

HYDE: All right! Once Casey finds out he's not getting any relish, he'll dump Donna for sure. You are so screwed.

OPENING CREDITS

FORMAN BASEMENT

Eric, Hyde, Fez and Kelso are hanging in the basement

FEZ: So your mom invited Casey over for hot dogs? Well that's a plump, juicy all-beef burn.

KELSO: Ah, it's just typical women stuff. Like Jackie kissing that guy (Hyde hits him on the arm) Ow! Hyde!

HYDE: Yeah. Okay? I've decided if anyone brings up any more stupid girl stuff I'm gonna throw something at 'em. This time, I threw a fist.

KELSO: I'm sorry. It's just everything reminds me. Like, last night Rocky was on and I was thinking I'm like Rocky and Jackie is Apollo Creed. And she bashed in my face by kissing that guy! At least Rocky wins in the end.

HYDE: Kelso, Rocky loses.

KELSO: Oh, yeah? Well, why is he jumping around all happy?

FEZ: Because he goes the distance, fool.

ERIC: He loses the fight, but he wins in life.

KELSO: Who wants to watch a movie with a message like that? Ice-cream man! (he jumps up and leaves)

ERIC: You guys, I've been thinking about Donna. And I… (Hyde throws a magazine at him)

HYDE: This time I threw a magazine.

ERIC: No, guys, seriously. This barbecue might work out in my favor. You see, Donna's only seen Casey around his smelly, tattooed Molly Hatchet-lovin' friends. But when he comes to the barbecue, he'll be around us… good, clean, Lynyrd Skynyrd-lovin' Americans. And the comparison will not be kind to him.

HYDE: And then Donna'll come running home to you.

ERIC: No. Well, maybe. You think?

HYDE: So, instead of pounding Casey like you should, you came up with this zany scheme. Forman, you've officially turned into Daffy Duck (like Daffy Duck) You're dithpicable!

FEZ: You know, I have lady problems too (Hyde throws a ball but Fez dodges it) Rhonda won't let me get past second base. I even said please. Magic word, my ass!

Hyde throws another ball and hits him. Fez throws it back

JACKIE’s BEDROOM

Kelso is painting Jackie’s toenails

KELSO: Y…You know what, Jac… I can't do this. Why should I paint these round, berry toes if some other guy is gonna end up lickin' 'em?

JACKIE: Michael, what are you talking about?

KELSO: I still can't get over you cheatin' on me. And I need to hear you apologize again. And this time, maybe you should cry or give me money!

JACKIE: No Michael. I am not gonna beg for forgiveness. I didn't make you do that when you cheated.

KELSO: Well, that is totally different. When guys cheat, it's because they need some hot action. But when girls cheat, it's way worse, 'cause girls don't even like sex.

JACKIE: We do too.

KELSO: Well, why aren't we doin' it now?

JACKIE: Because I don't want to do it right now.

KELSO: I do. Point made. Thank you!

JACKIE: No. You know what? We need help. We should consult the world's highest authority on relationships. Cosmo!

KELSO: Why you should touch your breasts every day. No, this could help. They seem smart.

FORMAN DRIVEWAY

The Forman barbecue is beginning

ERIC: Okay, Fez, when Casey gets here, ask him for advice about your second-base problem. My advice is gonna be way better than his, and, uh Donna will see that he's a greasy dolt.

HYDE: Hey, Forman, I have an idea. Set up a wacky system of ropes and pulleys and when Casey gets here, drop an anvil on his head.

FEZ: Because that's what Daffy does.

ERIC: Yeah, I got that.

Donna and Casey walk up

DONNA: Hey, guys.

ERIC: Hey.

CASEY: Hey, Foreplay. Getting a little shaggy up there, buddy (he rubs Eric’s head)

ERIC: Okay. Well, that's enough of that! Okay. So, uh… Hey, you guys are just in time. Fez was telling me about, uh, some kind of problem you're having with Rhonda.

FEZ: Yeah. Rhonda won't let me get past second base, and I really want to explore further.

ERIC: Mmm. Gosh. Well, I don't know I think if you're patient, and you're respectful when Rhonda's ready, she'll, uh- she'll wave you over.

FEZ: Well, thank you, Eric. That is very gentlemanly advice.

ERIC: Gentlemanly? Well, uh, guilty as charged, I guess. Hey Casey, uh, what do you think?

CASEY: Well, sometimes a seasoned lady like Rhonda she's gotten used to the usual order of things. So, I think the next time you're fooling around just, uh, skip second and go right to third.

ERIC: What?!

FEZ: It's genius! No wonder you never get any.

DONNA: Yeah, with Rhonda, you know, that just might work.

ERIC: W-Wait, you like that?

DONNA: Well, the words are wrong, but they sound so good coming out of his mouth.

CASEY: I got a way about me.

Donna and Casey walk away

HYDE: That worked out… (like Daffy Duck) thuper.

FORMAN BACK YARD

Jackie walks up to Kelso

JACKIE: Okay, Michael. I found something out about our situation. This article says that cheating is a symptom of a deeper problem.

KELSO: Deeper problem? No! I don't want a deeper problem! I want a quick fix!

JACKIE: Well, too bad. Because I realized that I'm still hurt and angry from all the times you cheated on me. Okay? And that is why I kissed that guy.

KELSO: So what are you saying?

JACKIE: I'm sayin', I'm not sorry.

Kelso sees himself fighting Jackie, like Rocky. They’re in a boxing ring, wearing boxing outfits.

JACKIE (muffled): I'm not sorry! (she whacks him) Come on! Look, now I know why I cheated. You need to read this Cosmo and find out why you did. And I ripped out the boob pictures, so don't bother looking.

Donna and Casey are standing near a table. Eric walks up to them

ERIC: Hey, Donna, uh, would you like a hot dog?

DONNA: Um, maybe half.

Casey takes the plate and a knife from his back pocket. He cuts the hotdog in half

ERIC: Whoa man, you carry a knife?

CASEY: Yeah. You never know when a lady's gonna need a half a hot dog. It's funny man. You're the Boy Scout, but I'm the one who's prepared.

FEZ: He's like a gladiator.

ERIC: Okay, that's it. I'm bringing out the big guns. Oh, yeah. I'm introducing him to my folks. Oh hey, Mom, meet Casey. This is Donna's new boyfriend.

KITTY:…….Well, you're certainly not a girl! Hahahaha!

CASEY: Nice to meet you, Mrs. Forman. You know, you couldn't have picked a prettier day to win a year's supply of hot dogs.

KITTY (giggles): Yeah, sure is a hot dog (keeps giggling)

ERIC: Mom!

KITTY: Sorry, honey, it's just… He's just… I am sure you are much smarter.

RED: Kitty, the idiot neighbours drank all my beer.

ERIC: Uh-oh. You're in a bad mood. Hey, meet Casey.

CASEY: Pleasure, sir. Hey, maybe I can help. I always keep an spare case of beer in the Trans Am. Little tip I picked up in the army.

RED: I don't know. Seems like a pretty good kid.

KITTY: Uh-huh.

Later, Hyde and Donna are talking on the porch

HYDE: So, you and Casey, huh?

DONNA: Look, Hyde, whatever you heard about Casey, he's changed now. He's- He's mature.

HYDE: Oh, yeah. He's real mature.

DONNA: Well, I like him! We're together, and if you can't deal with that, then you can just go to hell!

HYDE: Hey, that's not barbecue language, young lady!

CASEY: Here's that beer, sir. I got a soda for the minor (gives it to Eric) Now, you make sure to drink that real slow 'cause I don't want you to get a tummy ache, little guy.

KITTY: Well, that's thoughtful.

RED: Yeah, he cramps up easy.

FORMAN BASEMENT

Kelso and Eric are sitting on the couch

ERIC: Casey and Donna, man. Hey, remember when we were 12? We didn't even like girls yet.

KELSO: I liked girls when I was 12.

ERIC: Yeah, I was happy to stay at home Friday night in my underwear just tossin' a football to myself.

KELSO: Yeah, never did that either.

ERIC: Well, at least I gave it my best shot, right? If Donna loves Casey and not me, then, I mean, I guess it's over.

KELSO: Wha… Forman, you can't give up. Okay, look. Who knows what's gonna happen with me and Jackie. But what you and Donna had? That was, like, real. And I'm telling you, as his brother… Look, Casey is bad news. He's either gonna get bored and split, or something worse is gonna happen. So, you gotta do something.

ERIC: Hey, since when did you get all serious?

KELSO: Been reading Cosmo. It's very educational. Yeah. I never realized how much plumbing girls had down there. Like, there's this diagram, and it's like a map of Six Flags.

FORMAN KITCHEN

Hyde, Fez, Red and Kitty are about to have lunch

KITTY: Okay, everyone. Here's lunch. Hot dog soup!

HYDE: Arrr… No more hot dogs! I'll just eat the grilled cheese.

KITTY: You mean, grilled cheese with hot dogs!

RED: Kitty, for God's sakes I ate 14 hot dogs yesterday!

KITTY: Well, what do you want me to do, Red? They're everywhere. They're a curse on this house!

RED: Oh, fine. Let's make some calls. Maybe we can unload the damn things on a nursery school.

Red and Kitty leave. Eric walks up

ERIC: You guys, I have let this thing with Casey go way too far.

HYDE: Yeah, no kidding. Donna's pretty far gone. She's starting to lash out at people at barbecues. You gotta kick his ass, man!

FEZ: Hyde, Eric cannot beat Casey with his fists. He's a special boy who must beat him with his special strengths. Now, let's think. What is Eric's special strengths?

He sees himself as the quizmaster of the Get Into That Box game show

FEZ: Welcome back to TV's favorite game show… Get Into That Box! Now let's meet our returning champion, Eric Forman!

ERIC (sticking his head out of a box): Thanks. Good to be back, Fez.

FEZ: Let's meet our challenger, Casey Kelso! Casey Kelso, it's time to…

AUDIENCE: Get Into That Box!

Casey tries to climb in the box, but he’s too big and it breaks.

CASEY: How does he do it?

DONNA (running up): He's so tiny!

FEZ: I would watch that show.

ERIC: Okay. That was great. Guys, I'm going over to Casey's. And I don't know what I'm gonna do. But if things get physical, I'm just gonna have to drop the hammer.

HYDE: And if all else fails, kick him in the stones and run like hell.

ERIC: Yeah, that's what I meant by drop the hammer.

FORMAN BASEMENT

We see Fez kissing Rhonda (from Rhonda’s perspective)

FEZ: Rhonda, your lively tongue has made me thirsty (he takes a zip from his soda) Would you like to wet your whistle?

Rhonda nods yes. Then she slurps up the whole can of soda, which annoys Fez a little

FEZ: Wow, thirsty lady. Well, we're off to a nice start. Shall we move on to second base?

We see his hand approach Rhonda. Fez looks content, then scared. We see how Rhonda tries to choke him

FEZ: Ay, no.

JACKIE’s BEDROOM

Jackie is doing her hair. Kelso comes in

KELSO: Guess what. I read your little everything's my fault article and I realized why I cheated. Remember the first time I kissed Pam Macy?

JACKIE: Behind the gym?

KELSO: And in the gym, and in her car. But, anyway… Earlier that day, I didn't have any money to buy you Tater Tots. You said that I'd never be able to support you, 'cause I wasn't smart enough. You're always puttin' me down like that, and it makes me feel bad about myself. And that is why I cheated.

JACKIE: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

KELSO: Just like that. And then I thought about it, and I realized that I'm not sorry either!

We see how Jackie gets a punch in the face by Kelso, Rocky style.

JACKIE: Michael, what are you saying?

KELSO: I'm sayin' that we're not right for each other, because you make me feel bad! And… And… I don't think I can be with you anymore. I want to break up.

JACKIE: Wait, break up? No, no. Michael, I was wrong. Please, let's talk about this.

KELSO: No (he leaves)

JACKIE: Wait, but Michael!

KELSO FRONT YARD

Casey is reading a magazine. Eric walks up to him

ERIC: Casey, we need to talk.

CASEY: Well, I'm a little swamped right now, Foreplay.

ERIC: I think Donna thinks you love her and if you don't, you shouldn't act like you do.

CASEY: What are you? The love police? Hands up! Love police is here.

ERIC: Hey all I'm saying is that if you don't love her just don't be with her, okay? Because she's a really special person and someone out there could really love her.

CASEY: Someone out there or someone right here?

DONNA (Walks out): Oh hey, Eric. What are you doing here?

CASEY: He was just leaving.

DONNA: Oh. Well, I gotta go too.

CASEY: Hey, Pinciotti (he gives her a kiss on the cheek) Love ya.

DONNA: Oh, well, I… (she looks at Eric who is looking at his shoes) Thank you. Okay, well I'll, uh, I'll see you later.

CASEY: You see, Forman, it's just words. You don't have to mean it.

ERIC: If you make her cry, I'm coming right back here to kick your ass.

FORMAN BASEMENT – THE CIRCLE

KELSO: Well, me and Jackie are officially over. We're as done as this hot dog. (takes a bite) This hot dog isn't done!

ERIC: Well, if kicking Casey's butt is the same as babbling at him from a safe distance then, boy, did I do it! But seriously, you guys, the days of Daffy are over. It's time for action. I'm goin' Road Runner on his ass. Meep, meep! Pow!

FEZ: Good. Because thanks to his stupid advice, Rhonda dumped me. I tried to steal third, but she blocked me and choked me. Now there is no more baseball for Fez. It's back to handball.

HYDE: Girls, man. They'll make you miserable. Well, I got a date. (like Daffy Duck) Tho long, thuckerth!

END CREDITS

FORMAN KITCHEN

Eric, Hyde, Kelso and Fez are looking at a Cosmo

ERIC: It's like Playboy but girls look at it.

KELSO: I know. How hot is that?

FEZ: Oh, look. Six Flags!

KITTY (coming in): Well, that better not be a dirty magazine. Oh, Cosmo. Good for you.

RED: Cosmo? You boys are spending too much time together.

THE END.