Phantom of the Telethon

Live, from CIA headquarters in beautiful Langley, Virginia, it's the first-ever CIA Telethon, with your host, Agent Stan Smith! Thank you! Good evening, everybody! How about a hand for our band, Midget Assassin and the This Doesn't Concern You Orchestra! Man, that is some sport coat! - You like it? - No, it's great! I just didn't realize your latest assignment was to kill fashion! Folks, it's an honor for me to be working in this studio. This is the very soundstage where we faked the moon landing. And the JFK assassination. No. I'm sorry. This is where we planned the JFK assassination. So a lot of people think that CIA stands for "Central Intelligence Agency. " Not true, folks. Fact is, CIA actually stands for "Stan Smith was born with both male and female genitalia. " That's not what we wrote. We don't go blue. That's the lazy man's comedy. Balls. Maybe we're working too hard. Anyway, you're in for quite a show over the next 12 hours, so give generously. Let's kick things off with our very own Langley Falls anchor partners, Greg and Terry, reenacting the volleyball scene from their favorite movie, Top Gun. Francine, you must be so proud of your husband. This whole telethon was his idea. I know! I'm sure it's going to be a huge success! "Godlike"? I don't know if I'd go that far. Now, I need a moment with my writers. What the hell was that genital joke? That's not what we wrote. You were supposed to say, "CIA stands for Central Insanity Agency. '" That's good. But that's not what was on the teleprompter. Someone must have messed with it. I'm gonna go double-check the copy for the "Taliban, Taliban, Tali-me Bana" sketch. You really think someone messed with the teleprompter? I mean, who would want to sabotage the telethon? Sabotage? Did you hear? We just captured a new terrorist! Time to torture! - I get to strap him to the waterboard! - I call the car battery! I want to slather him in oil and make love to him all night long! Oh, no. I'm on the phone. Yeah, I'm still here, Mom. Stop! We can't torture anyone. - What's he talking about? - We can't afford it. I was just on Capitol Hill. The Democrats have completely cut our torture budget. They're using the money to teach inner-city kids to read! What are they doing?! We'll just have to raise a million dollars and fund the torture program ourselves. Luckily, I have plan. We have the biggest keg party this town's ever seen. We charge five no seven dollars a cup. Girls drink free. I don't think that's going to work. I don't hear you suggesting how to get girls to our party. How hard can it be to come up with a million dollars? What if I invent something? Paper clips paper clips piper claps popper clops! Clops that pop your clappers! I think torture is barbaric and inhumane. I can't believe you're trying to save it. Why not? You tried to save Veronica Mars. We get it. Girl detectives are bitchier than regular detectives. Fart! Not into it. You know what show I tried to save? - The Ghost Whisperer. - It's still on. Really? That's it! I've got the idea! Dark bulbs! You know, for when it's too bright out. What? It's a great idea! Stan, it's okay. So you're not an idea guy. Yes, I am. Remember when I invented that machine? Stan, that wasn't a machine. That was a hat. I am an idea man, and I'll prove it to you all. I just need to get away from all this negativity so I can concentrate! Sweet and High Wheat Thicks - Southern Discomfort. - Good. You're here. - You can either take your socks off now - or I can knock 'em off for you. What are you talking about? Live, from CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia, it's the first annual CIA Telethon! A telethon? No one wants to run 26 miles. Not a marathon. A telethon. It's the perfect way for you to raise the money you need. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. That's what Jerry Lewis said right before he stole my idea. You knew Jerry Lewis? Back in the '50s, I was his tailor. I shortened his pants. Made him a star. One day, I said to him, "Jer" I called him Jer, but not to his face. I said, "Jerry, how about you do a long, televised plea for money?" Of course he did it, and he said it was all his idea. Made me look like a total liar. The only one who believed me was Dean Martin. Good old Dino. What a sweetheart. Talented, talented greaseball. From Ohio. Thanks, Roger, but I don't need your stupid telethon idea. I have all night to come up with something. Hamburger Hinderer. Guess what, everybody! Bullock loved my telethon idea. - What? - A telethon? - That is a good idea! - Way to go, Dad! Wunderbar! Wait a minute. Your idea? You should have seen it. They were taking away all our torture stuff. Everybody's freaking out. And then, like a bolt of lightning, it came to me. Telethon! I'm so proud of you, honey! How did you ever think of a telethon? He didn't! It was my idea! - Yours? - Yeah. Remember, Stan? We were in the living room, and I said "telethon. " Stan, is that true? - I remember now. - Thank you. You said "marathon," and that's what got me to "telethon. " - Oh, marathon! - That's why Roger got confused! A marathon is a terrible idea. The telethon was my idea! Tell them the truth or they're going to think I'm a liar. That spaceship sailed a long time ago. - Get it? Because he's an alien! - Or so he claims! He's simply not credible, and I am, apparently! I let Jerry Lewis live. I think we all agree that was a mistake, but I'm not going to be branded a liar again. Mark my words. This time, I will be avenged! Please call me when dinner is ready! Of course. It's Roger! He's trying to ruin the telethon because I didn't call him when dinner was ready! Klaus, did that teleprompter mishap hurt us? The donations slowed down a little, but things are starting to pick up. Good, we can still meet our goal. I'll just have to make sure nothing else goes wrong. Anyway, what happened after you slathered him in oil? Did he like it? Hey, everyone, look who just wandered from their tree house in the Appalachian wilderness: it's the Amazing Buckle and Sherry! Honey, I've been meaning to ask you for a separation! Like you could survive five minutes without me. What kind of man puts his wife in a box and cuts her up? I'm just trying to create a sense of wonder. You know what I wonder? Why I didn't listen to my mother. "Don't marry a mountain man magician. " That's what she said. I joined a synagogue for you! Just do the trick! You wanna do a trick? Here's a trick: Put a baby in me! Sherry and Buckle. It's Shari! Folks, we're having a lot of fun tonight, but let's remember why we're all here. This is a terrorist. They call him the Common Garden Snake of Ramallah. It soundmuch scarier in Arabic. Snake, do you have information vital to this nation's security? I do, Stan, yes, very much. And will you share that information with us willingly? Willingly? No. This is why we need to fund the CIA torture program. We have just over nine hours to raise the $1 million or those repo men will take away our torture equipment forever. Operators are standing by. And now black music. I'm so proud of you, Stan. I really underestimated you. I'm a man of action, a man of ideas. "Dear Stan, admit you're the liar "or my reign of terror will continue. "Signed, the Phantom of the Telethon, "Roger. "P. S. When you give me credit, refer to me as Roger. "Thanks, the Phantom Roger. "Roger. " So down the gauntlet has been laid. Lain? - Laid. - Delivery for Phantom of the Telethon. Oh, my God, my pipe organ! This is what I'm supposed to play maniacally down in the catacombs? What'd you think you were getting for $39. 95? No, no, this is totally unaccept I can work with this. Welcome back to the CIA Telethon. Folks, we still have a long way to go to reach our goal so we need your pledges. Smile and look to camera B. You know, sometimes torture doesn't go quite the way you planned. Let's watch! Cut! Cut! I'm sorry, folks. I have no idea how that tape got in there. Play something! What the hell was that? Honey, that's what you have to do after a man takes you to a fancy dinner. No, I mean, why was it shown? Well, I'll tell you why. Because Roger's still clinging to the fantasy that this telethon was his idea, and now he's trying to ruin it. Steve, Hayley, I need you to find him and stop him. I better get the security guard. I'm not searching that basement unless I'm accompanied by an armed stranger who failed the psychological test to become a cop. Here's the intro for the circus bear, Mr. Smith. "Some acts are too hot. "Some acts are too cold. "This act is just right. " Like Goldilocks. Part of me thinks they will be confused because there's only one bear. You're overthinking it! "Irene Grossbard, "Irene Grossbard "I really mean it, "Irene Grossbard!" Okay, that was Gretchen Grossbard with a tribute to her sister Irene Grossbard. Folks, we gotta do better than this. You know, the CIA has captured a lot of bomb-makers. Well, it's time for you to set off the biggest bomb of all the one in your hearts. Let's keep the show going. Some acts are too hot. Some acts are too cold. This act is just right. Joke-killer. He's a joke-killer. Please welcome Boris the Russian circus bear. Something is wrong. Itty-bitty brake line is cut. All part of the show, folks. Everything's fine. Music, Frodo, music! Hayley, what the hell happened? We were looking for Roger when somebody hit me on the head. When I woke up, Steve was gone. Wait. What would Roger want with Steve? What the hell?! Do not fear me, fair m*** Though my outward appearance may repulse thee, I assure you my intentions are most pure. - What are you doing? - The phantom welcomes you to his home. Geez, it stinks in here. Why am I in a dress? I'll thank you to hold your criticism, my darling. The hell with this! Steve! Steve, come back here! I am trying to do something! Ladies and gentlemen, the U. S. may be the greatest nation in the world, but do you know what the second-greatest nation is? - El Salvador! - No, not Mexico. The second-greatest nation is donation. Won't you all become citizens? Now let's go to a real good novelty today: Jeff Fisher and the Jeff Fisher Hacky Sack Attack. One, two, three Thank you, Langley! What? You want more? All right. One, two I really thought we were gearing up for a much more satisfying chase. But this Roger, I'll kill you! I'm not Roger. I'm the phantom. Well, yeah. Who did you? What? Anyway, you'll never stop me! There you go again, stealing my idea. Well, until you tell the family this telethon was my idea, I've got havoc to wreak. Wreck? Wreak. It ends now. You can't stop the phantom! These riggings and catwalks are my domain, and I am their master. All right, all right, I give up! But it doesn't matter. I've already destroyed this telethon and untied your bow tie. You've given me a relaxed demeanor! Oh, my God, is that a bomb?! - You planted a bomb?! - What the hell are you talking about? That's enough C-4 to blow up this entire building. - Disarm it! - Stan, it's not mine. All I did was change the teleprompter, cut the brakes, released the terrorist, dropped a fishing boat on Jeff Fisher Wait. You released the terrorist? He's an explosives expert! - We'll never be able to disarm it! - Oh, my God! Stan, I know exactly what to do. Put me down. Let's try that on the fart setting. I don't know. It's funnier, but I think it takes out some of the tension. - How could you release The Snake? - He's a master bomb-maker. Me? I don't know about master. I make a nice bomb. All right, Snake, the jig is up. "Prepare to meet your Mecca. " Fine. Go ahead and kill me now. Once the ticking clock on your tote board counts down to zero, this whole building will be blown to smithereens. Good God, I've got to evacuate the building! Not so fast. I've rigged the exits. I've also rigged the elevator shaft, the air ducts, the little window in the bathroom. I've seen a lot of movies. When you are forbidden to drink, dance or touch yourself, - your afternoons are pretty free. - You can't touch yourself? I'll give you the code to disarm the bomb, but first you'll have to meet my demands. I don't negotiate with terrorists. Oh, really? Have you ever bought a mattress? Fine. What are your demands? I have something I want you to tell the world. Hello, I'm the United States. And I'm Israel. With you behind me, I can do whatever I want. Well, I want you. Take me. No, this is wrong. We both have the same father: Satan. I don't care. Oh, God, oh, God! Oh, Judeo-Christian false God! All right, I did your little play, and it was intoxicating. If you have anything else I'd be right for, keep me in mind. In the meantime, I need you to disarm the bomb. Oh, that? No, I was lying. I was never going to disarm the bomb. - You bastard! - You're mad at him for lying? You guys are enemies. Of course he lies to you. But you're worse. You stole my idea and lied about it to your own family. Oh, my God, you're right. Lying is wrong. I'd know that if I only I'd paid attention to anything that's ever happened to me before. It's not too late to tell everyone the truth, Stan. What's the point? We're about to die. I don't want "I'm a liar" to be the last thing I say to them. It doesn't have to be the last thing. What if I save us all? Then will you tell them the truth? You save my family, and I'd be honored to redeem your good name. Excuse me. Does this have dairy in it? Because if you want to see a real dirty bomb, give me something with dairy in it. The truth must be told! - What's the code to disarm the bomb? - I'll never tell! Hey, calm down! Leaping lizards! This is annoying! Wait a minute. I think I know how to save us and the CIA. Ladies and gentlemen, we've had a lot of fun tonight, but when that clock runs down, this building will explode. Yeah, you should be concerned because that's the only man who knows the code to disarm the bomb, and he's not talking. And he's not talking because we can't torture him. Sure, he can be beaten by amateurs like that oddly proportioned fellow in the cape Come on! but we're never gonna get any answers that way. We need the money to fund official/unofficial CIA torture. We're counting on your generosity. Stan, it's working! The phones are ringing off the hook! That's it, folks. Give till it hurts him. We have the money! Quick, get the equipment. Hold this up. The code is 1-2-3-4-#. The bomb is disarmed! That's what I'm gonna say when I disarm the bomb. The arm is disbombed. Damn it. So now you can tell Francine and the kids I'm not a liar. Yeah, I'm not gonna do that. Well, that's our show, folks. If you're interested in learning more about torture, follow an immigrant into your local police station. Good night.