Explorers

Hey. What's for breakfast?

Just liquids for me, and not the fun kind that come in a beer bottle.

Ooh, you're doing a cleanse.

That's so much work.

You know, I heard that Rihanna just gets new blood.

Much easier.

Actually, it's prep for a colonoscopy.

Less of a cleanse, more of a purge.

Yep, I got to get my pipes cleaned out so my doctor can take a high-definition video of my fire escape.

You know what?

You've been so disgusting for so long, it's actually stopped bothering me.

I thought you were playing poker with the guys tonight.

I am. We're gonna do this prep together.

You know what they say... dysentery loves company.

We got this on a funny video with Martin Short, Tom Hanks, and Steve Martin.

I've never heard of them.

Hey, guys. Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

What's up?

Well, Ryan and Boyd are off to Canada to see the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Wow. Pfft.

In France, they think the Louvre is a museum.

The vegan's gone, and I want some meat.

Why isn't there any bacon?

Dad's not eating. He's draining his swamp.

(Laughs)

Colonoscopy tomorrow.

Oh, good thing you love having your picture taken.

(Chuckles)

Yeah, you know what? I'll put it on my driver's license.

People are gonna say, "Have you lost weight?"

Hey, you know what?

Since the guys aren't gonna be here, we should have a slumber party like we used to do when we were kids.

Oh, those were so much fun.

Up all night, talking about what boys like me, what boys probably like me.

Oh, hey, Kris.

Hey, morning.

Morning, sweetie. Mom, Kris and Eve and I are gonna have a slumber party here tonight.

That okay with you? I would love to.

What?

Hey, that sounds like fun... a slumber party with your mom.

You know what?

We... We could do arts and crafts.

(Gasps) I have tons of felt.

Oh, wow.

Bye, honey. Bye.

You know what?

I think your party's gonna be worse than mine.

I'm all set for tonight, man.

Got my poker set and 62 ounces of liquid plumber.

(Chuckles)

Scared?

I'm a Marine.

Yes.

Well, you should be. It's like a tsunami in a bottle.

What? Hey, Mr. B., this came for you.

I had to sign for it and everything.

It's a big-boy day for you, huh, Kyle?

The Explorers Museum. Oh, that's great.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is!

Finally, they want me to submit an artifact.

Oh, and your name will be immortalized with all those famous explorers, like that guy who found that thing on the mountain or that lady who pulled that doohickey from the river.

Their names live on and on, don't they?

Hey, what are you gonna submit?

This 1,000-year-old spearhead.

I found it in a Honduran rainforest.

Came from a lost civilization.

Wow. I can't believe they let you take that out of the country.

Well, the Hondurans are a very trusting people.

They trust it when you tell them at Customs, "Yeah, I got that at a gift shop."

Wait a minute. There's Ed.

I got to show him this.

Oh, he's gonna be really happy for you.

No, he's wanted this forever. It's gonna kill him.

I love that you two like to make each other miserable.

It's called friendship, Kyle.

Hey, Ed, I got some big news.

Want to read you something here.

Not today, Mike.

I'm just... I'm not in the mood. I'm sorry.

I'll just read you a little... I...

This is the day that the Explorers Museum sends out their invitations.

And I did not get an envelope.

And I bet you think there's not a bit of news that could make you feel any worse.

You're right. There isn't. No.

It's never gonna happen for me.

Well, you didn't have to say it like that.

No. No, who am I kidding?

Come on. I'm not a real outdoorsman.

I'm a rich wannabe who sells equipment to the real ones.

Yeah. (Chuckles)

Hey, Mr. Alzate, what's worse ...?

Mr. B. getting in the Explorers Museum or his zingers?

You got invited?

Yeah, that was the news. Sorry.

But you know what's gonna happen?

You're gonna get in because you're a great great man.

Oh! Direct hit.

I'm very happy for you Mike. Yes I am.

There's nothing better than seeing a friend receive an honor that you voided your entire adult life.

Man, the zingers between you two are getting more and more subtle.

I can't believe Mom is crashing our sleepover.

Yeah, didn't she also crash our mother's day brunch.

Hey Eve. Hey. Excited for tonight?

Yeah I've got some crazy stories to tell you about Rob.And a few questions.

Mom is joining us.

Oh, I'll see you.

Okay now I'm trapped.

There she is, what every great party needs... a chaperone.

Uh, well, would a chaperone bring a... Bedazzler?

Be-definitely.

Okay. So, uh... so that's just my thing.

Um, wait, wait, wait, wait.

How about (Gasps) tiramisu?

Oh, hello. I have tira-missed you.

(Laughs) Good one, good one!

Uh, and is nobody interested in watching Ryan Gosling build a house... shirtless?! That's how all houses should be built.

Hmm.

And which one of you likes wine?

Because I am drawing a complete... blanc.

Wine, dessert, Gosling? Well-played, Mother.

Welcome to the slumber party.

(Chuckles) Thank you, thank you.

So, let's, uh, turn some Clorox bottles into piggy banks.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

But, uh... But... But I have been saving them.

♪

Hey, Mr. B., I... I still feel really bad about spilling the beans to Mr. Alzate.

You got to stop apologizing for this.

Although that "I'm sorry" Jell-O was kind of fun.

Well, I went with lime 'cause it's the most apologetic flavor and strawberries for grieving and oranges, obviously, for graduations.

Well, no matter what color they are, they all come from cows' feet.

Hey, is, uh, Mr. Alzate okay?

He's gonna be fine.

I felt really bad for him, so I called the museum, and they're gonna change the award to include all of Outdoor Man so he'll feel part of it.

Does that mean I'm included, too?

I'm a part of Outdoor Man.

Oh, yeah, Kyle, and a very valuable part.

Pick that up, will you?

Hey, Mikey, I just got a call from the Explorers Museum.

Yeah?

Turns out you were wrong.

Well, that doesn't sound like me.

It sure doesn't.

Don't need any help.

Looks like the invitation wasn't just for you.

It was for Outdoor Man.

I'm shocked, and Kyle's stunned silent.

Yeah.

You know, it's good to see you happy, though.

Yeah. And I know exactly what I'm gonna submit.

Good. My spearhead.

Your spearhead?

And just see the plaque now...

"Donated by Ed Alzate of Ed Alzate's Outdoor Man."

Yeah. I-I've got to call the kids. Where's my phone?

You're holding it.

Oh, right. (Laughs) Right!

Today, I'm not even gonna worry about how often that happens.

Wow. He just totally stole your stolen artifact.

What's the Jell-O color for betrayal?

Grape.

Great thing about this poker game is I don't have to bring beer or chips or anything.

I mean, not that I would anyway, but this time, it's not rude.

Tonight, anyone can use any bathroom.

This is not North Carolina.

Anything to add, Baxter?

Yeah, and this is coming from experience.

(Clears throat) Don't cough.

Hey, Mr. B., have you said anything to Mr. Alzate?

No, no, I'm not gonna.

As important as that spear is to me, I think it's important to let the boss have a win, right?

Wow.

You know, if the guy who had found that thing on the mountain felt that way, his name would have been totally forgotten.

You know, this isn't so bad. I salted the rim.

So, shall we start?

All right.

Kyle, you know your job? Yep.

When someone gets up to go to the bathroom, I jump in and play their hand.

And? Try not to be a dumbass.

Exactly.

Gentlemen, another toast.

To invasive medical procedures.

Oh, you're in for a treat, Chuck.

Your first time, it's kind of like your first girl, you know, only... horrible.

This is my second cup.

About how long does this stuff take to...

Oh, wow.

Amazing. He runs pretty fast.

I can't believe he can't catch a shoplifter.

All right, let's see what Mr. Larabee's got.

Mm-hmm. Oh, man.

I mean... oh, man!

All in.

So, um, Joe, did you hear?

I've been asked to submit to the Explorers Museum.

Well, technically, the store has been asked.

Mm, sounds like sour grapes.

Not sour grapes. I'm just trying to be accurate.

You know, the last museum I went to was incredible.

I mean, the Tom Cruise was so lifelike, you could almost bend over and pat his head.

Yeah, I'm gonna submit a spearhead that I found while hiking in a rainforest in Brazil.

It was Honduras.

I think I know my rainforests.

Do you? 'Cause they're in different hemispheres.

They don't even have the same species of monkey in them.

Well, at least they both have monkeys.

Our country blows.

I remember it perfectly. It was a full moon.

Midday.

It was the height of the rainy season.

Bone dry!

Who's telling the story?

Well, you're telling some story, but not the real story.

Look, I found that spearhead in Honduras, midday, bone-dry.

You were up in the cantina with some woman named Maria.

That can't be right.

That's exactly what...

Oh, boy. Here comes the judge.

Oh. What'd I miss?

Oh, Ed grabbed a spearhead from a monkey in a cantina.

♪

So, then Travis told me about this college party over in Boulder.

Really?

Yeah, and then I was like, "No, I got to get home for my curfew."

And then I did.

Yet I recall a different story...

You giving me 10 bucks to stuff pillows in your bed so Mom thought you were home.

(Laughs loudly)

Aah. Ahh, memories!

Funny, fuzzy, conflicting memories.

Oh, come on. I knew about that.

I just... I trusted you to make good decisions.

Why?

I... You're only a teenager once.

When did you get so cool?

Yeah, why are you so good at hiding it?

(Scoffs) I have always been cool.

Listen, one time at a John Tesh concert... he brought one girl up on stage to sing to, and it was my best friend Karen.

Wow.

To Mom.

(Glasses clinking) (Laughter)

Oh, you know what?

I am... I am just loving this new stage we're at, you know, where I'm not just your mom, but I'm also your friend.

(Sighs)

(Clears throat)

So, what... what usually happens now?

Well, when we were kids, by this time, you'd be upstairs, yelling, "Keep it down, girls!" Yeah.

And then when you went to sleep up there, the party got turnt down here.

Mandy: Oh, yeah.

It was so much fun.

We'd prank-call the neighbors, watch R-rated movies.

Remember sneaking out to 7-Eleven to buy junk food? Oh, yeah.

(Chuckles)

But this is also fun.

We could do that.

Let's... Let's sneak out now and get our Cool Ranch Doritos on.

(Laughs)

Yeah, but, like, you're here and you're okay with it, so now it would just be an errand.

Well, uh, you want to... you want to watch an R-rated movie?

Uh, been over 17 for a lot of years now.

Well, um... Ooh, how bout X-rated?

What?! Mom!

♪

So, something happens with the camera, and they can't get it out!

(Laughs)

My buddy's lying there for an hour, maybe two.

Then the doctor comes in with these big tongs!

(Laughs)

Why... Why... Why are we talking about this for?

You were telling Chuck he has nothing to worry about.

Oh! Right, right.

In fact, to this day, he only serves salad with two big spoons.

(Laughs)

Oh, boy. Here comes Santa Claus.

Hey. Hey, w-who's been drinking my prep?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, yes, I do.

Great. Now I won't have enough of this stuff to get the job...

Excuse me.

(Chuckles)

These guys are gonna be so mad. I locked the door.

If you don't mind, I'd like to sit in silence until they return.

Ed, I didn't mean to bust your chops, okay?

Okay, that's it. I'm out of here.

You're gonna have an accident, not the good kind where you run into a Buick.

I'll be fine because this is not prep.

It's iced tea.

Why?

I'm not having a colonoscopy.

What's the point?

My days are numbered.

What do you mean your days are numbered?

Age, Michael.

Every minute of every day, another cell in my body gives up, and I am diminished.

"Michael"? Oh, boy.

I'm gonna get the full diva. Here it comes.

How many years can I possibly have?

Huh? That's why I didn't have the colonoscopy.

I mean, drinking the prep, crapping your guts out, and getting scoped... that's a young man's game.

Nobody's too old for a colonoscopy.

I'm forgetting things, Mike, and it scares me.

Everybody forgets things!

It's very important that I pick up something on the way home from work... haven't a clue.

No. Those are little things.

I'm in the rainforest, where my best friend finds an ancient artifact.

I mean, that's the kind of thing a man should remember.

You should've remembered Maria in the cantina.

That's what you should've remembered.

I have a favor to ask, Michael.

Going with "Michael" again. This is gonna be a big one.

I'd still like to submit that spearhead under my name.

Ed, Ed. Come on. It's too late in the game for me to go out and find something on my own.

This is my last shot at the Explorers Museum.

I think you're forgetting you're already in the Explorers Museum.

No, I'm not.

I took a shot.

(Laughs) No, wait.

Your refrigerator is running!

Sorry, Mike.

Yeah, no, I know you're busy. Okay. I'm sorry.

So, this is great, but I'm gonna head home and sleep in my own bed.

No, wait. Hey, wait, wait, wait.

What... What about the sleepover?

It's just not the same, okay?

This just feels like adults sleeping on the floor for no reason.

Yeah, I'm too old for this.

My sciatica's acting up.

This is silly. We're not kids anymore.

We can't re-create the past.

All right, hold on. You know what?

I'll leave.

I mean, I-I'm the one who's ruining the sleepover party.

N-No, you're not.

Mm, let the woman talk.

I'm... I'm ruining it for me, too.

Listen, you know what my favorite part of your sleepovers was?

Laying upstairs and listening to you girls share stories and giggling and... just being sisters.

That's nice.

You were eavesdropping.

(Chuckles)

But you're all grown up now, and I don't get that anymore.

And I just... I... I miss that feeling.

So... So, tonight, for one night, can I just get it back?

You want us to act like irresponsible kids again?

I guess I could turn back the clock to last month.

Thank you. Thank you.

So, uh, I want you girls to keep it down, and lights out by 11:00, and I am going to confiscate this.

No, I'm over 21.

I know. I just want it.

Okay.

So, what do we do now? I don't know.

I guess we could check Mom's bag to see if she actually has an X-rated movie in there.

Wouldn't be the first time we rifled through Mom's purse.

Oh, man, remember when we went to 7-Eleven and tried to buy stuff with her insurance card?

♪

Hey, we're back. Thanks for the ride, Kyle.

So, how was it, guys?

Well... Joe... cried.

It was the anesthesia, okay?

It happens.

But, you know, it was... it was very bonding.

I... I'm thinking this is what it must be like for men who went to war together, you know?

No, it's nothing like that.

Anyway, it's good to have a clean bill of health and get all that crap out of my system.

Yeah, yeah, I feel great.

It must be from getting rid of all those... all those toxins.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, food truck's here.

I'm gonna get a corn dog and some fried cheese.

Mmm.

Ed, Ed, Ed. Got a minute?

Yeah, sure.

Look, I was thinking about what you said yesterday. Mm-hmm.

Do you remember what you said yesterday?

Yes, I remember.

There's only one thing you can do when your best friend asks you to fulfill his lifelong dream.

Thank you, Mike.

Get your own damn spearhead.

I can't do that.

Remember last night, my big speech about my cells dying?

You're not dying.

You're aging like everybody else except John Stamos.

My mistake was treating you like a feeble old man.

I never said I was feeble.

Well, taking credit for somebody else's accomplishments... pretty feeble.

Is that what this is about?

Having your name on that spearhead... No.

...is really that important to you?

Come on. This is about you.

You're forgetting things. That doesn't make you senile.

Come on, now. W-What do you want from me?

Why did you call me in here?

I'd like you to go with me to Brazil.

They found caves in Mount Allegra, unexplored.

Get out of here. Is that right?

Maybe I can get to use all that equipment that we sell, huh?

It'd be good to get away. That's right.

Then I can spend time in the cantina.

What do you think?

W-Why... Why am I holding this?

What's... What's going on?

Ed?

Feeble old man got you, huh?

(Laughs)

We're going to Venezuela.

Actually, Brazil.

Ah, we're going to Brazil!

Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man with some news I'm literally dying to tell you.

(Sighs) That's right.

None of us is getting out of this life alive.

Have a nice day.

Come on, wait. Hear me out.

It's not about how many summers we have left.

It's what we choose to do with those summers.

If you spend your life watching "Walking Dead" marathons, you're no better than a zombie.

Actually, you're worse.

At least they're walking.

You're sitting on your ass.

The Bible teaches us that we start out as dust, and unto dust we shall return.

Don't be a dust bunny in between.

Climb a mountain, ride some rapids... don't live life like you're already dead.

Because if God can't tell the difference, he may just go ahead and grab you early.

So, instead of crying about the number of grains of sand left in your hourglass, do something to make sure there are as many in there as possible.

So get your insides photographed.

Heck, invite some friends, play some cards.

Let me tell you, that's one poker game that doesn't beat a flush.