The Interview (Peep Show)

The Interview is the second episode of the British sitcom ''Peep Show. ''It aired on September 26, 2003. Lines in parentheses indicate internal monologues spoken by the characters via voice-over.

Transcript
[Opening credits]

Mark:  [Putting on socks.] (I wonder what kind of socks Sophie wears. Do women wear socks? Well, yes, sometimes, is the answer to that. Socks before or after trousers, but never socks before pants, that’s the rule. Makes a man look scary - like a chicken.) [Jez walks by, wearing only socks.] (He just does not give one solitary shit.)

[Jez is in the bathroom and urinating on the toilet seat]

Jez: (Yeah, take that Big Suze. Your toilet seat regime is over. Ahh, freedom.)

[Mark is in the kitchen making toast]

Mark: (Brown for first course, white for pudding. Brown is savory, white's the treat. Of course I'm the one who's laughing because I actually love brown toast.)

[Jez walks into the kitchen]

Jez: (There he is.)

Mark: Dr J!

Jez: Morning Mark.

Mark: Sorry I didn't manage to hook up with you and Super Hans last night.

Jez: [Putting bread into the toaster] (Wedge of ballast, then back to bed.) [Examining toaster] (That's a bit like the crusher in Star Wars, but red hot. What if mum and dad were trapped in one and I had a big hook I could swing down to rescue one of them. Who would I pick?)

Mark: I didn't get a chance to tell you the good news. Yeah, there's a vacancy going for a clerical assistant and I've managed to swing you an interview.

Jez: Uh-huh. (Clerical assistant? I can't be a clerical assistant, I'm a musician. You wouldn't ask the Chemical Brothers to do your laundry for you, they'd be off their tits.) [Toast pops out of the toaster]

Mark: So is tomorrow at 11 all right?

Jez: Tomorrow at 11, yeah, sure. I'll set the video.

[Jez and Mark are in the living room watching TV]

Man on TV: Don't joke!

Woman on TV: I'm not.

Mark: It's a damn good company and it'll be the two of us together - Jez and Mez - The El Dude Brothers.

Jez: It's just the music. It's really starting to hot up.

Mark: You know how much I respect your music. It's just...

Jez: Super Hans said he's come up with a bass loop for our new track and it's so good that when he tried turning it off, he literally couldn't... He actually physically couldn't do it.

Mark: I'm on your side. Every artist needs his patron but you know, there's a limit.

Jez: Oh, the rent. [Changes the channel to music channel which is showing the song "Somethin' Stupid"]

Mark: I'm not some kind of land baron trying to milk his cash cow, it's just...

Jez: Don't worry, you'll get your milk. This track's a banker. Everyone needs their "Somethin' Stupid."

Mark: Sorry?

Jez: The guy who wrote that, he's probably up to his neck in penny loafers and blue pool tables. [Changes the channel to "The Joy of Painting"]

Mark: Right...

Jez: Blimey, what's God up to? [Shows Bob Ross painting a large patch of green in his easel]

Mark: Listen Jeremy, just in case the song doesn't work out, maybe you'd better fill this out and fax it over by 3. [Hands Jez a job application]

Jez: Hmm.

Mark: Think about it, and have a great day. Yeah? See you tonight.

Jez: Yeah, cool. Have a good one.

Mark: You too mate.

Jez: Bye mate.

Mark: (Work-shy freeloader.)

Jez: (Tight-fisted cockmuncher.) [Sighs] (Maybe next time I have breakfast he'll make me sit a fucking exam.)

[Mark comes into work]

Mark: (I wonder what Sophie's flirty cartoon will be today. I really should ask her out for lunch.) [To man in elevator] Can you hold that! [Enters the elevator just as it was about to close] (You bastard.) Thanks. Third floor? [Presses the button for the third floor] (I mean, what's the worst that could happen? She could say no. Actually, that would be terrible. It would destroy me if she said no. ) [The man exits the elevator on the first floor] There is a notice you know, about only riding the lift to the first floor. You're wasting mine and other people's time, not to mention... [The man is shown to have a limp] Oh. OK.

[Mark is in the office]

Mark: (People like him should wear stickers; they've got them for their cars. Oh, yeah, great idea, Adolf.)

Sophie: Morning Mark!

Mark: Hey Sophie! (Go on, ask her.) Sophie are you - I mean would - How's your day going thus far? Have a nice shower or bath?

Sophie: Why, do I smell?

Mark: God, no you don't smell. I mean you smell nice, not that I've smelt you.

Sophie: See ya.

Mark: Later potater. (Ugh, potater. What have I become?)

[Jez is rummaging around Mark's bedroom]

Jez: (Super Hans said he'll be here in 20 minutes. That means I've got at least an hour. I bet Mark's got some porn here somewhere.)

[Mark is looking at a cartoon Sophie drew him]

Mark: (OK where's today's cartoon? Hmm? Not bad, no discernible romantic overtones. OK pen, let's flirt with Sophie.)

[Jez is looking underneath Mark's bed for porn]

Jez: (Mark's got no conception, he thinks I'm soo- But really I'm busting my creative balls here day in, day out. No, but it's all "Where's the money? Where's my rent?" I mean "Where's the rent Mr Jim Morrison, Mr Keats. No, you don't like the attack dog do you, Mr Keats?") [Finds a yellow bad in the cupboard] (Hold on, I think I've struck the motherload.)

[Mark's drawing a cartoon]

Mark: (What the hell is that? That is very gay, that's what that is.) [Scrunches it up and starts drawing another one] (Come on go crazy! You're hungry, like the wolf.)

[Jez finds a fantasy magazine in the bag]

Jez: ("Fantasy Figure Modeller." Jesus, maybe this is his porn.)

[Mark draws a cartoon of two people with a love heart between them]

Mark: (I'm giving her a love heart. Yes, that's good. No, no it's not good. It's terrible. Think "Crazy Horse", think "In your face." What would Jeremy do? Heh-heh, yeah that's it.) [Draws a swastika in the middle of the heart] (Love's for Nazis. Crazy love, Nazi love. I'm a nutter!)

[Jez is sitting on Mark's bed and is looking at a picture of a female elf and a cobra in the magazine.] (I'm a dirty hobbit and she's a sexy elf so she might be "Oh you dirty hobbit! Take of my bodkin and my jerkin!"Oh yeah, pixie ears, but that sword. What if she was a hobbit slayer? I'd just use my enchanted amulet. Yeah, yield to me hobbit slayer! You will touch my magic cock!) [Starts masturbating]

[Mark is taking his Nazi cartoon to Sophie's desk]

Mark: [singing] (And then I go and seal the deal by doing something wicked like this cartoon!) [Speaking] (Swastika love. It's bloody mental!)

[Jez is listening to Super Hans's bass loop]

Super Hans: So what do you think?

Jez: I don't know.

Super Hans: It's zzzhh! In your face.

Jez: [Turns it off] I don't like it.

Super Hans: Well I do.

Jez: I just don't

Super Hans: Well this is it, is it?

Jez: What?

Super Hans: This is the end of the Hair Blair Bunch.

Jez: We are not the Hair Blair Bunch

Super Hans: Whatever! Sorry, this is the end of Spunkbubble.

Jez: This is the end of Momma's Kumquat.

Super Hans: This is not the end of Momma's Kumquat Jez, because I never agreed to it being Momma's Kumquat!

Jez: Look, if this it. If this is John and Paul, 1970 then I need money for the equipment.

Super Hans: This is like you're whole Balearic bullshit, innit? One minute it's all "I love you man!", the next it's "Where's that 50 quid you owe me?"

Jez: Look, I'm just saying I need money -

Super Hans: Listen mate, shit is or shit does, my friend. [Is about to leave but then changes his mind] Look Jez I'm sorry, this is all bullshit. We can't just let the Hair Blair Bunch -

Jez: WE ARE NOT THE HAIR BLAIR BUNCH!

[Mark has changed his mind about the Nazi cartoon he left on Sophie's desk] 

Mark: (A bloody swastika. That is single worst single bloody idea ever. I mean, a swastika!) [Sees that the cartoon has disappeared] (It's gone! It's happened! Oh yeah, do what Jeremy would do. Thanks Jeremy you tit!) [Bangs his head against the wall] 

[Jez is visiting Toni in her apartment]

Jez: (Yeah, perfect plan. I want to fax this off then. "Oh Toni, I feel incredibly tired, let's just both lie down on your bed.) [Rings the doorbell] (I hope she gets out the bong and not the fucking cafetiere.)

[Inside Toni's apartment]

Jez: Yeah, so I was wondering, you're an urban switched-on kind of lady, you've probably got a fax machine and all that kind of stuff.

Toni: A fax machine? Yeah right, like I'd have a fax machine. What have you, just come from the 1980s? This is like that movie The Spaceman and King Arthur, but in reverse.

Jez: No, I just got this crappy job application.

Toni: Right, OK. Listen, tell me something Jeremy. Have you ever tried to do the washing up without using washing up liquid?

Jez: What? Has Mark been talking to you?

Toni: Could you clean a pot or a pan without using a scrubbing brush, a sponge or a scouring pad?

Jez: I don't think so.

Toni: So what you're saying is these kinds of products are essential? The kind of products no-one could do without.

Jez: Yeah, well you're kind of making me say that.

Toni: Now the first thing to say is that this is definitely not pyramid selling. OK?

Jez: Right. Good. What's pyramid selling?

[Mark is eating crisps]

Mark: (Enter the pit of sarlacc little crisps!) [Sophie walks by] (She's ignoring me. Of course she's ignoring me, this morning I sent her a bloody swastika. Jesus! This is the worst thing that has happened to anyone ever- Relax Mark, you're not Hitler in his bunker. He was really under the cosh, mind you at least he had a girlfriend. OK enough mooning, let's strap on the nosebag and eat some serious work.)

[Toni is showing Jez a pie chart]

Toni: I mean does that look like a pyramid to you? Clearly, it's not a pyramid. It's a pie.

Jez: And it's like a big lovely club with free money for everyone. I mean it sounds great but -

Toni: Free money for everyone? Hah! Look out the window Jeremy, that's never going to happen, not in this old world. No, see, the early birds are going to find their bird table covered in money pie...

Jez: Right. [Looks at some graphs and charts in a book]

Toni: But the Johnny and Sally Come-Latelys, they get a slice of the pie but then they look closer and oh dear! It's only pastry. Boo-hoo Johnny and Sally. Are you with me?

[Mark is finishing off work and preparing to go home]

Mark: (Blown it with Sophie, who's next? Big Suze? Never met her, not necessarily a disadvantage) [Tries to get his key out from his drawer] (Why don't I get this fixed? Why don't I ever get this fucking thing fixed?! Every night it's fifty-) [The key comes out] (Ah, it always comes out eventually. Fuck it.)

Sophie: Hey Mark, like the cartoon.

Mark: Oh I'm so - You did?

Sophie: Yeah it's meant to be me and Barbara from Personnel and she's handing me this heart of holiday pay, but in the heart it's just...

Mark: Race hate?

Sophie: Exactly! That's so Barbara, she's such a racist.

Mark: Right, exactly. Listen Sophie, I was just wondering if I could get your home number? I mean just for work in case I need to swap a shift, that is if you don't-

Sophie: [Writing down her number] No I don't if that's what you want.

Mark: (She's actually writing it.) [Sophie hands him a piece of paper with her number on] 

Sophie: There you go. See you later.

Mark: [Looking at the number] Oh hang on, this isn't enough numbers. Oh no, it is enough numbers. (Oh God, I hope she doesn't mind about my balls.)

[At home; Mark and Jez are watching a crime drama]

Policeman (On TV): One step out of line. The slightest hint of maverick behavior and you will be out.

Mark: Exactly, if it was such a bad thing to do things by the book, there wouldn't be a book. (Have to keep an eye on him if he gets it. If there si one thing JLB does not need, it's a maverick.) So anyway, things went rather well-

Jez: I bet he did it. [Point to a black man on TV]

Mark: Oh what, just cause he's black?

Jez: No, I mean not because - He was at the garage at the beginning.

Mark: I know what you meant. Anyway, in the end I got Sophie's number.

Jez: We already know he's the only one with the key to the lock up.

Mark: So do you think I should give her a call? I probably should, shouldn't I, but I really don't know if I should.

Jez: Maybe you should.

Mark: OK listen, if God's doing mountains or sky or water I'll call. If he's doing trees or critters, I won't.

Jez: All right. Let God decide. Ready? [Changes the channel to The Joy of Painting, where Bob Ross is painting some clouds.]

Mark: Yeah sky! Right, here goes [dials number]

Bob Ross (On TV): And with a large brush I'm just going -

[Jez changes the channel back the crime drama]

Policewoman (On TV): The following names have been presented to us by temporary employment agencies.

Mark: Right, answer phone.

Jez: Ha, you see! He did do it but for a nice reason. Who's the racist now Mark?

Mark: [On phone] Sophie! If you heard that, please ignore it. I'm not a racist, far from it. Anyway, it's good to hear your voice; I know it's only a recording but you have got a bloody nice voice. And, God!, I just called up to say "hi" [singing] Then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like "I like you!" [speaking] I mean not that, but anyway, I noticed that the paper in the photocopier is running a bit low, so I know it's not really your job but well, you know, so - uh - see you tomorrow! [hangs up] Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Jez: Oh, fuck!

Mark: Oh my God.

Jez: Jesus!

Mark: I've really fucked it, haven't I? Have I fucked it?

Jez: Maybe it was... charming.

Mark: It was the behavior of an oddball.

Jez: No not an oddball. A maverick. You may not play by the rules but by Christ do you get results. Come on, let's go have a drink, forget about it.

[Mark and Jez are drinking in the bathroom]

Jez: Have you forgotten about the phone call yet?

Mark: No.

Jez: Right. Tell me Mark, how much washing up do you think you can do without any washing up liquid?

Mark: I'm sorry?

Jez: Exactly. And what about our friends, labors and colleagues?

Mark: What?

Jez: Everyone needs cleaning products, that's the one thing that's never gonna change, right?

Mark: Why are you talking like this?

Jez: Well, that's a very interesting question. Now the first thing to say would be that this is not pyramid selling.

Mark: You're doing pyramid selling?

Jez: No, no, not pyramid selling.

Mark: I can't believe you're into pyramid selling!

Jez: Listen, listen. It's not pyramid selling, it's network marketing and it's a guaranteed money making- Mark! I've seen the... charts.

Mark: Oh the "charts". There are "charts" are there? Why don't you tell me about the "charts?"

Jez: Are you... trying to... piss on my bonfire?

Mark: I'm trying to protect you from... pissing all over yourself.

Jez: I'm not about to piss... all over myself. I'm... I'm pissing... into the big time.

Mark: You're still coming to the interview.

Jez: Yeah whatever, I thought...

Mark: Listen Jeremy, you don't seem to understand. Nothing you want is ever going to happen. That's the real world. Your hair isn't red, people don't walk around on stilts. Maybe somewhere you can earn a living sitting around drinking margaritas through a curly plastic straw, but in this world, you've got to turn up, log on and grind out.

Jez: Yeah, but if you get in early...

Mark: Come Friday you owe me three months' rent. You're coming to the interview.

Jez: OK! (Oh I'll come to the interview all right, but I don't think I'll be getting I'll be getting the job.) [Laughs] 

Mark: What?

Jez: Nothing, just something... funny. Can you? [Mark turns on the tap and Jez uses the shower to put water in his beer]

[The next day; Mark is thinking about the phone call he made the previous night]

Mark: (Maybe she will think it was charming. Yeah, maybe. Just keep clear of he until you've worked out a- I could say Jeremy had a gun and made me say it... because he's a crackhead and he does that sort of thing all the time. Yeah, that sounds great. Me living in my crack house. Maybe you could be my crack bitch and sit on my-) [Notices Sophie and retreats into the cupboard] (Shit! Shit, sugar, fudge, piss, poo, pants, bollocks! Yes! Blitzkreig! I'm in the Ardennes! You can't touch me in the Ardennes! Concealed in the cupboard. Everything's OK in the cupboard. I'm safe in the cupboard)

[Jeff opens the cupboard]

Jeff: Mark. You're in the stationary cupboard

Mark: That's right Jeff.

Jeff: OK. Right, well I hope you're having a good time.

Mark: Yeah well-

Sophie: Hi Mark.

Mark: Hi Sophie. I'm just in the cupboard right now. About the message, we'll talk later, yeah?

Sophie: Yeah, fine. [Mark closes the cupboard and starts screaming]

[Jez is waiting for his interview to start]

Jez: (OK here we go. Operation Come Over Like an Unemployable Freak.)

Barbara: Jeremy Usbourne? Hi, I'm Barbara. Do you want to walk this way?

Jez: Right you are. I'm might wobble a bot because I'm still a bit pissed from last night, you see, and I don't want to get your hopes up too much. I have to say I'm only really here - [Barbara takes him to small room]

Barbara: Obviously you know Mark Corrigan.

Jez: Mark? (Oh shit!)

Barbara: Mark's one of the team of loan managers you'll be working for.

Jez: (Got to be really careful. Don't want to get the job. Don't want to piss off the land baron.)

Mark: (He looks like crap.)

Barbara: We have to make sure we've ticked all the boxes, so to speak, and kept everything above board. [Mark and Jez wink at each other and she looks at them awkwardly] So if I can outline the basic requirements of the role you'll be undertaking. You'll basically be responsible for updating and maintaining the filing system. Now that probably doesn't sound very important but the truth is...

Jez: (Shit. What's she talking about? Nod, look serious. I'm Di, she's Bashir.)

Barbara: -It's a portal through which the whole company communicates-

Mark: (Great. He'll be able to pay off the Blockbusters' fine. Plus, I'll be able to order him around. Not horrible just... Jeremy, could you file this for my? Jeremy, could you take that for me? Jeremy, could you suck this for me?... Jesus! Where did that come from?)

Barbara: Now, do you have any experience in this field?

Jez: I've done quite a lot actually. I mean not formal filing, but you know, alphapabetabesizing the videos, doing the spices. I suppose what I'd want to do is to build on that experience in a profession... zone. Sphere! I mean sphere. (God, that sounded amazing, don't accidentally get the bugger!)

Barbara: We're doing great... [She ticks "poor" in the "Experience", "Knowledge", and "Performance Level" boxes on her sheet.] So, I see you used to be a nurse. Wouldn't filing be a bit of a step down?

Jez: Yeah I suppose it would actually... Although I'm looking for something more... relaxing.

Mark: Challenging! He means challenging!

Barbara: I expect Jeremy knows what he means, Mark.

Mark: Yes, right.

Jez: No, challenging is right. But a bit more of a relaxing challenge. More like doing a crossword than a tracheotomy.

Barbara: Right.

Jez: (Shit, my natural bloody charm's only swinging it. Got. To. Do. Something!) [Makes a face] 

Barbara: Are you OK?

Mark: What?

Jez: It's just a thing... I have.

Mark: What thing?

Jez: Facial... spasming

Mark: Facial sp- You do not have-!

Jez: I do. Sometimes.

Barbara: Well, I guess that's everything. Jeremy, is there anything you'd like to ask?

Jez: Yes Barbara. Yes there is. Barbara, how much washing up do you think you can do without any washing up liquid?

Mark: No Jeremy.

Barbara: Where is this-

Jez: It's a unique business opportunity.

Mark: It's pyramid selling Barbara, I'm very sorry-

Jez: It's not pyramid selling, Mark-

Mark: It's pyramid selling and you're making a fool of yourself!

Jez: You're pissing on my bonfire!

Mark: There is no bonfire!

Jez: Because you keep pissing on it!

Mark: This is low. This is really low

Jez: Yeah, well at least I don't fancy elves and pixies.

Mark: What does that mean? I literally have no idea what that is supposed to mean!

Barbara: OK... Thanks for coming in. We'll be in touch.

[Mark is looking over how much of a failure the interview was]

Mark: (Well that was a fucking disaster. I want compensation. I want reparations, brutal reparations. I want the Rhineland. It's going to be 1919 all over again, fuck the inevitable backlash. OK, it's OK Mark, later, now calm. Calm, honest and mature.) [Meets Sophie at her desk] Hi Sophie.

Sophie: Hey Mark. I just bumped into your flatmate in reception.

Mark: Oh yeah?

Sophie: Yeah I liked him. He kept talking about washing up. A bit funny, like Jim Carrey.

Mark: Yeah I know what you mean. (Get your tanks off my lawn Jeremy.) But listen Sophie, about the message last night, I want to kind of come clean, really. It's a bit embarrassing but, well, the thing is, Jeremy, sometimes, for a laugh, makes me say things with a bread knife. I mean he's obviously not a crackhead, but-

Sophie: A-huh, OK.

Mark: Yeah.

Sophie: Look Mark, about the phone message, you don't have to be embarrassed about it.

Mark: I don't?

Jez: Of course not, it's one of those things.

Mark: Is it? It is? Oh, right. Fantastic. And you haven't told anyone about it.Sophie: Of course not.

Mark: Oh thank you thank you thank you thank you! (Calm down, she's not bloody Pontius Pilate) Yeah well you know, the truth is... the truth is I suppose I like you. That's why I said the song. I like you, Is that such a crime? Should I be hounded to the ends of the earth, just for liking you? I like you, and if you can't handle it, you can just, you know, fuck off.

Sophie: No, no, I think I can handle you liking me.

Mark: Good, right, excellent. OK. Bye.

[Mark is waiting for the elevator when Barbara meets him]

Barbara: Hi Mark. Thanks for bringing in Jeremy. He was quite the find.

Mark: Yeah, right. I'm really sorry. I thought it'd be good that he might - [The man in the elevator from the other day walks by perfectly normally, giving Mark an obscene gesture on his way.] Hey! Hey there! Feeling better now are we?! Fully recovered? Hey, I see you! I see you! [To Barbara] He used to have a limp, I mean he pretended to have a limp! HE'S A FAKING LITTLE PEG LEG!!

[Mark and Barbara enter the elevator, with Jeff already inside]

Mark: Hi Jeff [Doesn't get a response] (Well fuck you if you're not going to do small talk. I'm not going to help us out. Let's die together.)

Jeff: [singing] And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like "I like you."

''[End of episode. During the end credits, the song "Something Stupid" is played]''