Camp Refoogee

Four, three, two, one! Steve, please look at these camp brochures. Dad, for the millionth time, I don't wanna go to summer camp. But Camp Pocanda's got a lake. Steve! Come with me if you wanna live! At home this summer! Ahh. Basil and snail poison. The sweet smell of summer. Hey, you should plant some of those, uh- I don't know what you call them here- Hitler melons. Good news. I found a camp that still has an opening. Dad, I don't wanna go to camp. It's hot, and there's always something crawling in your sleeping bag like a spider or a counselor. Just let me tend to my posies! Stan, he doesn't wanna go to camp. I spent my summers at camp, and I had the time of my life. I want him to have that same experience. And, besides, gardening's gay. I'll have you know James Coburn had a garden. I'm sick of your lies about Coburn! These are mean streets we live on. Streets soaked with blood. I just fished a dead hooker out of the canal. Roger, what are you talking about? Oh, it's my new hard-boiled P. I. Character. I find role-playing helps me cope with the soul-crushing boredom around this place. - May I proceed? - Uh, okay. Shut your hole, crazy broad. I had to call that poor dead girl's parents. Do you have any idea what that's like? Do you? Damn this city! And scene. All the camps are full, so we'll just make our own in the backyard. It'll be like Meatballs. I'll be Bill Murray and you'll be that kid that no one remembers. One tent, please. He was also in My Bodyguard. Terrific film. What the hell is his name? Sorry. All our tents have been donated. We're shipping them off to some camp. Did you say camp? Is there any way you can get my kid in this camp? - Well, it's pretty overcrowded. - My son doesn't take up much space. And neither does my good friend Ben Franklin. Yeah, he fits in your jeans real nice. Don't you, Ben? - Indubitably. - Dad. Steve, camp is an amazing place. You get to swim in the lake, drink bug juice ring the bell if you win the camp Olympics. Oh, and then there's camp love. It's such an intense experience like winning the Grammy for Best R&B Performance, Duo or Group. Dad, for the last time, you were not in Boyz II Men. So it's settled. Be sure to write. How could you send Steve off to some camp you know nothing about? I'm not an idiot, Francine. I have a receipt and a tracking number. He's with some tents. It's fine. Look, it's a legitimate place. It's called "Camp Refoogee. " It doesn't say "Refoogee. " It says "Refugee. " You sent our son to a refugee camp? Has anybody seen a Care Bears towel? It-It had Luck Bear on the front. I think you call it "Luck Bear" because he had a clover on his chest. Oh, I also had a collapsible cup. Just so we're clear, you will not return home from Africa without my son. I'm going with you. If I could just hold a refugee's hand and look them in the eye, they'll know someone cares. Okay, Bono. Settle down. So this is a refugee camp. I have to say, not that bad. There's sun, sand. It's like Arizona. Although here they probably celebrate Martin Luther King Day. Look, the U. N. Is here. I'm gonna go ask them how I can help. Okay, but the plane leaves in 30 minutes. Hello. Stan Smith, American, - I'm looking for my son. - You must mean the white boy. Oh, come on. Why does it always have to be a racial thing with you blacks? - I can take you to him. - Thank you. What's your name? I am Wobuto Kowonga Komali. I'll call you Hot Rod. Wong's Imperial Wok. You order Empress Plate? What? Too broad or not broad enough? 'Cause I've got some incredibly racist buckteeth in my pocket. You won't like yourself, but you'll laugh. Oh, Roger, I'm just feeling lonely without Steve. We were supposed to go to an art opening tomorrow. Art opening? Hell, I'll go. I got this college professor character I've been dyin' to try out. - Hey, you should do a character too. - I don't know. Oh, come on. It'll help you pull your head out of the oven. Now, who you gonna be? And it's crucial that it be organic to my professor character. Um- Oh, how about a professor's wife? Eh, I don't really care. You owe me 32. 50. - This is a spilled can of motor oil. - No substitution! Steve! Steve! Dad! Mmm! Dad, get me out of here. I just wanna go home and never think about stupid camp again. Stupid camp? No. No, camp is good. If only I could make you see. That's it! Steve, you're not gonna miss out on camp after all. - We're staying in Africa. - What? We've got tents, a river, campers- everything we need is here. People, listen up. I've got great news. We're turning this hot, dusty wasteland into what it should've been all along: A summer camp. Welcome to Camp "Refoogee. " By the way, this kind of fun isn't free. I'm gonna need checks from all your parents. How can you all gorge yourselves on roast beef while refugees starve? I, for one, am going to spend my short time here outside helping those poor people. Hey, that's our plane. Dad, what's going on? We're staying for a few weeks and turning this place into a summer camp. A few weeks? Steak, medium. A little pink in the middle. Pinker than that. Okay, remember, I'm ProfessorJordan Edelstein. My key stats: I. Q. 140, nearsighted and I once spent a sexually experimental weekend with Allen Ginsberg. And I'm Amanda Lane. I didn't take your name. That's fine, 'cause you converted for me. Your parents weren't too happy about you marrying a Hebrew. But then my book started selling, and they changed that tune right quick. I was thinking we've been married about 17 years. Perfect. And I'm the head of the political science department at Harvard, thank you very much. Political science? You should be an economics professor. What? No, I make my own backstory. Besides, I freakin' hate economics. Fine. If you wanna waste your life with political science, go ahead. God, you sound just like your mother. You're just slightly better at this than I expected. That horseshoe pit's really coming along there - What's his name? Rassan Bikila Mossi. Well done, Skittles! Get up, Steve! When I was at camp, I never sat around doing nothing. I played sports, I wrote cheers. I was the first one to rhyme "Ooh, ungawa" with "powa. " Didn't copyright it. Lost millions. Dad, no matter what you do, I'll never have your camp experience because this place is never gonna be a real summer camp. Right on time. I ordered an airdrop from the C. I. A. We're in desperate need of supplies. - Uncle Stan, is it freshwater? - Better. - Malaria pills? - Better. - It looks like fruit. - Are they Hitler melons? No. What? No, they're tetherballs. Oh, and look at this. Camp T-shirts! E! Entertainment? This sucks. I wanna go home. - Hi, I'm Makeva. You're Uncle Stan's son. - Thank you. So, I'm going to the camp dance tonight. Maybe I'll see you there. - Someone's robbin' the cradle of civilization. - Dad! Makeva! Dinner! Got it! Oh, man. It is so on. You just found your camp love. - Pound it. - Dad, I- Pound it! This is the real thing, Steve. I still remember my first camp love, Tommy Bennett. No. No, Amy Bennett. Why would I say Tommy? Anyway, I've never felt that way before and I haven't since. Just three words of advice: Hall & Oates. Chicks dig 'em. Okay, campers, time for the swim tests, so just jump right in. We never go in the water. It is too close to the Bawango rebel camp. Ah, yes. The rich kids' camp. No. They are the ones who destroyed our village and forced us here. Mm-hmm. Our old rivals. Well, I think it's time they were taken down a notch. Be cautious. They are a fierce people who refuse to make peace. Makepeace! Chris Makepeace. That was the kid from Meatballs. Thank you. Their leader, Ozomatli, is a cruel man. Oh, boy, I'm not feeling so good. I'm sweaty, queasy. I think I got a bad case of full moon fever! What the hell is this? Apologies, General Ozomatli. That is my kaleidoscope. Congratulations. You just lost an arm. Oh, wait, wait. Let me just get the stuff out of my left pocket. - Sorry about that. - Oh, that's okay. I'm Rick, and this is Candy. I'm Amanda, and this is my husband, Jordan. We just moved to Langley Falls. Rick's a pediatrician, and I teach first grade. That's gotta be good for business. She trips 'em on the playground then sends 'em your way for bandaging. They're onto us, Cand. Well, it was nice meeting you two. That was so fun. I wish it didn't have to end. - Let's have 'em over for dinner. - Oh, Stan doesn't like dinner parties. Well, I don't know who this Stan yutz is but you're married to ProfessorJordan Edelstein, Ph. D. , and he fancies a dinner party. Great! Let's have 'em over for shabbas. Shh! Keep your voice down. We're at the club. All right, Camp Refoogee we got a special request dedication from Skittles to Little Oprah. This necklace has a tooth from the snake I killed. With it you'll always have the heart of Africa. Open your mouth, lead with the tongue. Dad. That's how I kissed Amy Bennett at camp. I don't want your camp experience, okay? I was making my own experience, and you ruined it. Makeva! Uncle Stan, it's the Bawango! Camp Bawango? Oh, it's a panty raid! I was not expecting that. Touché, rich kids. Oh, that seems a bit excessive. No! Steve! Hey, take the panties, leave the girl! Dad, they just kidnapped Makeva! All right, I understand "kidnapped," but what is "Makeva"? Aw, I bet that little girl they stole could've told me. No! Mr. Tetherball! Oh, your days of pole-wrapping are through, sir. And I salute you. Dad, you have to help me get Makeva back. But I don't know what to do. "I don't know what to do. " You can act like a man! There's no hitting at Camp Refoogee. Look, the Bawango rebels ruined our camp and took one of your campers. Are you gonna let them get away with that? Don't move, Steve. Just give 'em your credit card and we'll cancel it when we get home. Dad, these are your campers. They're rallying around you. Oh, yes, right. Right. Thanks, fellas. You're right, Steve. We've gotta get your girl. And there's only one way to deal with these vicious rebels. - Camp Olympics? - That's right. We challenge you. - I accept the challenge. - If we win we get the girl, and the refugees get their land back. And if we win, we get the girl and the beautiful E! Entertainment Television T-shirts. Hmm. - Dad! - Fine, fine. You're on. Now, that lamp there we bought back in '89. I remember the year 'cause Amanda and I had just seen Old Gringo and I wanted something heavy to bash my head in. You have a story for everything, even the wallpaper. - Where did you say it was from? - Egypt. We were there whileJordan was doing research for his economics dissertation. Mandy, a moment? I told you, I don't study economics. I'm a political scientist. That's right. Oh, well, too late now. I said economics. It's been established. Candy. Uh, how much you weigh, Candy? A hundred, we figure. Maybe 105? I guess about that. Mm-hmm. Pretty fit, tight. - My wife used to look like you. - Let's not get nasty, Professor. I'm just saying to the attractive girl that you used to look good - before you went to rehab. - I never went to rehab. You have now. It's been established. Let the games begin! The fourth guy I should've married instead ofJordan was Bradford Dorne III. He had a yacht and a backbone. You're boring our guests with your pathetic rants, dear. Make me another drink, Jordan. He justifies his existence by mixing a passable cocktail. Yes, love. Whatever love wants. - Amanda wears a hairpiece. - What? Oh, yeah. Worst case of female pattern baldness the doctor's ever seen. Well, maybe if you'd studied medicine rather than economics, you'd be able to help me. In the words of every sitcom character in the early '90s and everyone in the Midwest through the rest of the '90s, "Don't go there. " Come on, Professor. Tell the kids about all the economics conventions you attend discussing economics with the economics people. Tell them how you killed our baby, Amanda. - Jordan, no! - Real, real tragedy. Amanda was drunk, of course, and she wasn't watching the pool. We were at Lake Geneva. I was receiving an award for my work in- What was it, dear? Economics! I wanted to have another child, but her uterus was polluted from all the syphilis. You bastard! Wait! Wait! The score is tied leading into the final event, the footrace. I wanna run, Dad. It's my girl, my race. I'm proud of you, Son. All of Camp Refoogee is behind you. So keep your hand on your wallet. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. L- I can't help myself. I'm terrible. With this you'll always have the heart of Africa. Stevie, bombaye! Stevie, bombaye! Guys, there's a lion. Guys? Lion. - Never mind. - Way to go, champ! Oh! Here comes your girl. Get ready for your victory kiss. Don't think ofTommy Bennett. But I-I won the race for you. I'm sorry, Steve, but I'm kind of a crazy chick. - Is it over? - Yes. - Are we going to be okay? - Yes. Do you think maybe the baby couldn't have drowned in the pool? No, you left the gate open, and she sank like a stone. You have to live with that for the rest of your life. Hey, champ. Camp love can be tough, huh? How would you know? You got your camp love. - Actually, I didn't. - What? I loved Amy Bennett, but the part I didn't tell you was she didn't love me back. She broke my heart. Wow. I guess I ended up having your camp experience after all. Yeah, I guess you did. Hey, Steve, you know the good thing about first love? It's the first of many. So how'd you get over Amy? Well, Son, as you grow older, you'll find that the hurt fades away- Why, Amy? Why don't you love me? It's gonna be okay, Dad. Don't you dare patronize me! Amy! Amy! I don't wanna live! Thank God we're going home. I think I gained the African 20. Seriously, I threw away more food than I ate. Everyone is on the busses and ready to go. I hate the last day of camp. You better write me when you get home, H. Rod. We don't have homes. The rebels destroyed everything. Oh, right. I guess I don't like thinking about your horrible situation. Just like the rest of the world. Shame on you! All right, dude. Take it easy. Thanks, Dad. Camp was awesome! Yeah, we'll never forget these guys. Hot Rod, Skittles, Brooklyn Pete Spark Plug, Riuniti, Whitey- Oh, that's you, Steve. Bye. Have a beautiful time.