That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite

Hello? Anybody? Big news. I'm gonna marry Mia. Hey, Alan. I'm in the shower. Guess what I'm gonna do with Mia. Guess what I'm already doing with Kandi. That's not fair, Alan. You have to give him a hint. He doesn't need a hint. Well, then how's he supposed to guess? Oh, well. Look, a place to hang my washcloth. The rule of thumb with an engagement ring is that the price should equal three months' salary. I wonder what broad came up with that. It's a marketing scheme dreamed up by the international diamond cartel. Probably a bunch of chicks. But at least diamonds are forever. Oh, yeah, forever. My ex-wife still has hers. Meanwhile, I'm wearing mismatched socks from the irregular bin. Well, Mia and I are gonna go the distance. Fifteen, maybe 20 years. That's not the distance. The distance is death. If I'm still married after 20 years, kill me. -I can't believe you're doing this at all. -Why not? Why shouldn't someone like me settle down with a wife and kids? Boy, I don't know where to start. That's the old Charlie you're thinking of. Oh, okay. And to whom am I speaking now? -May I help you gentlemen? -We're looking for an engagement ring. How nice. Do you have anything in mind? Nothing ostentatious. Something in a brilliant cut, perhaps with complementary baguettes. Size isn't as important as color and clarity. Well, someone knows what he wants. What can I say? He's my life. So basically I asked her to marry me and she said yes. -What do you think about that, Jake? -Good. That's it? Good? It's not good? No, it's good. That's what I said. All right, I'm full. Wears his little heart on his sleeve, doesn't he? It's my own fault. I should've known better than to talk to him at feeding time. Charlie, I need to speak to you. I'll be right out, Rose. -Did you tell her? -Of course not. -Would you? -No. -I'll let you be my best man. -You mean I'm not? Well, you're on the short list but this could cinch it. Come on, that woman has been obsessed with you for years. She's gonna find out sooner or later. Let it come from you. Yeah, I guess. She has a boyfriend now. She probably won't care. -Probably not. -So why won't you tell her? Because if I want my eyebrows shaved, I'll shave them myself. Hey, Rosey Rose. What's up, Rosey Rose? Gordon dumped me. Oh, damn it to hell. I know, it's awful. How could he do this? He couldn't be with me anymore knowing that I'm still in love with you. Oh, no, no, no. Yes, yes, yes yes, yes. Listen, Rose. -There's something I have to tell you. -ls it good news? I could use some good news. Well -you remember Mia? -Yeah. Don't tell me you're dating her again. No, no. No, we are not dating. Good. Because I always thought she was kind of a head case. Yeah. Look, the thing is, I'm gonna, kind of, marry her. Rose? -Did you hear me? -I heard you. You're gonna marry Mia. So are you okay? Sure. Why wouldn't I be okay? Well, I was afraid the news might come as a bit of a shock to you. Afraid? There's nothing to be afraid of, Charlie. You're my friend. Where are you going? I have things to do. -What kind of things? -Things. Goodbye, Charlie. Hello, Alan. Hello. Did she just use the front door? She's never used the front door before. What happened out there? Well, I told her I was gonna marry Mia and I think I could actually see her medication stop working. -What do you think she's gonna do? -The question isn't what, it's when. And how I'm gonna enjoy my honeymoon with my testicles glued to my ass-crack. -That's a pretty wedding gown. -Oh, yeah. I could crawl under there during the reception and no one would have a clue. Well, you would. Stop. I don't think you'd say that. Isn't it beautiful? They say you're supposed to spend three months' salary but I went four. -Because I'm worth it? -No, actually I had a slow first quarter. My dad called today. He wants to take your family out for dinner. Y eah, well, tell him he can have one or the other but not both. Come on, they're gonna have to meet sooner or later. Okay, but why don't we wait for a real happy occasion? -What's happier than a wedding? -My mother's funeral springs to mind. There'll be music, dancing, my mom will be in a box. You're horrible. That's a gorgeous wedding cake. It's okay. I'm not big on having the little action figures on top. -They kind of creep me out. -They're traditional. Hey, this is our wedding, we can do whatever we want. We don't even have to have cake, we could have pie. A wedding pie? Well, we'd probably need more than one. You know, so everybody gets some crust. Alan, what do you think about a wedding with no cake? No cake? Where would you put the little bride and groom? I can think of one place. -lf you do a wedding, do it right. -Thank you, Alan. You're welcome. Which reminds me, I found my wedding folder. -Guess what was in it? -The claim check for your manhood? As I was saying it's all here. Everything you could possibly need for your big day. From paper samples for your announcements to selected verses of poetry well-suited for wedding vows. And you wonder why people think you're gay. Oh, shush. Now, you're talking cake but we are light years away from cake. First we have to discuss the budget, the venue, how many guests. Is it gonna be a sit-down dinner or a buffet. Then you need to hire a photographer and a videographer. Then a florist. Have you thought about flowers? Well, lilies are nice. Lilies are perfect if the bride and groom are recently deceased. But I like lilies. Mia, we'll never get through this if you don't focus. Now, wedding party. Bridesmaids. What are they wearing? I suggest an unflattering style in a hideous color because after all, this is your day. Oh, and before I forget, although it's not politically correct to throw rice if you throw birdseed, you run the risk of ending like a Hitchcock movie. What kind of pie did you have in mind? Well, look who's here. The bride of Drunkenstein. Look. Wow, that's quite a rock. You know what we call babes with rings like that in my neighborhood? Stumpy. What are you looking at me for? Just stay out of her neighborhood. That was uncomfortable. No, sand in my urethra is uncomfortable. That meal was a freaking disaster. I'm gonna stay with my family, try and calm my mother down. The miserable bitch. -Your family hates me, don't they? -Not just you. I'll call you later. Do you believe your future mother-in-law? Shows up at a four-star restaurant wearing a tracksuit with the word "juicy" stretched across her half-acre ass. I can read, Mom. Can we go back? I forgot my doggy bag. We can never go back, Jake. Come on, it's not the end of the world. Easy for you to say. You're not marrying into the Addams family. Oh, like you were a prize. Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fianc�e's menu. I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery. -Mom-- -Every one of my surgeries was necessary. And if I had signed a pre-nup you would never have gone to music camp and Alan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of Pennzoil. I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams. I didn't know her sister is a cop. Was a cop. Now she's a dry drunk with a grudge and a. 38. Well, I liked her. Well, that's because she had the same haircut as you. I was a little shocked that her father stuck you with the bill. You know why you noticed that? Because the two of you trampled each other trying to get to the men's room when you saw the waiter bringing it. I drank a lot of iced tea. Well, I had a very nice time. Sure, you got to inform my bride-to-be and her entire family that you had sex with me before you had sex with him. I was just telling Mia I know how lucky she is. Nevertheless, honey, it was not an appropriate toast. Juicy-pants almost choked to death on her lamb shank. Well, in all fairness, the woman was stuffing her face like a musket. All I can say is, after tonight's fiasco I'm gonna have to rethink the seating chart for the wedding. Yeah, well, it won't be that complicated. -Why not? -Because none of you are invited. Well, Mom, if you wear an animal print tracksuit to a nice restaurant people are gonna make comments. I agree. Calling you a cougar with arm fat was over the line. Hang on. Hello, Mia. I'll call you back. You don't think Mia's gonna turn into her mother, do you? I wouldn't worry about it. Yeah. What I would worry about is you turning her into our mother. Thanks for ruining my wedding night, Dr. Freud. Hey, don't set the bar too high for the wedding night. -What are you talking about? -It's a long, stressful day. You'll be exhausted, full of banquet food and cheap champagne. Take my advice. Tell her you love her, give her a big kiss and try to fall asleep with your ass pointed toward an open window. You, sir, have the heart of a poet. I am merely the voice of smelly experience. Well then, let me ask you this. I know things didn't end well with you and Judith but overall, did you like being married? Oh, I loved being married. Never missed having sex with other women? Sure. But I missed that before I got married too. What I loved was the idea of having someone that I could always turn to. Someone who cared about me. Someone who'd always stand by me through thick and thin. It does sound nice. Yeah, so does Disneyland. Yet every day people stagger off those giant teacups covered in vomit. But you'd do it again? What can I say? Marriage is a great ride until you puke. -Good night. -Good night. Charlie. Mia? Your friend Rose was just at my apartment. So how'd that go? She was wearing a bridal gown. Planning on wearing it to our wedding. She wanted me to know so we wouldn't clash. Well, that's kind of thoughtful, isn't it? I'm not finished. She wanted to give me a shower. An engagement shower? An actual soap and water shower. I don't want her at my wedding. Hey, I don't want her in my zip code. But she's a close friend. -Charlie. -All right, all right, I'll tell you what I'll cross Rose off the guest list if you dump that pistol-packing hermaphrodite you call a sister. She's my maid of honor the gun is registered, and she's taking hormones. While we're pruning, what about your mother? Done. She's out. Now your mother. You would've thrown your mother overboard for free. I don't care. If she goes somebody on your side's gotta go. How about your father? He takes us all out to dinner and the only plastic he's got on him is his shoes. Charlie, he has to give me away at the wedding. Give you away? That cheapskate? I'll probably have to trade him a pony and a couple of blankets for you. We're gonna have a wedding that none of our family and friends can attend? Might as well go to Vegas and elope. Now, there's an interesting concept. In Vegas, not only could we get married immediately we can get drunk and gamble away our nest egg. Don't forget the lap dances and hookers. Oh, you're gonna make a great wife. All the wonderful plans I had for a wedding. Let it go, Alan. I don't understand the big rush. You wouldn't even stop for boutonnieres. I just wanna get this over with. Get this over with? That's the attitude you take to a proctologist, not a marriage. Well, maybe I'm a little nervous. -ls that all it is? -What are you saying? I'm saying that if you're feeling uneasy, maybe you're not ready for this. -Did you have doubts when you married? -None. Judith assured me I was doing the right thing. That's all I got. Hi. -You look beautiful. -Thanks. I was afraid you were gonna chicken out. That's funny, she said the same thing about you. Thank you, Kandi. Are you sure this is what you wanna do? I'm sure. Are you? Absolutely. Okay. Who's the lucky couple? Well, we're the ones getting married, so I guess it's them. -Charlie. -A joke. Alrighty. Now, before we begin the ceremony I need both your signatures there and there. Okay. So are you folks staying in Vegas or are you honeymooning somewhere else? I don't know. What do you think, sweetie? Oh, can I talk to you for a second? What'd I say? Am I in trouble already? Baby, I swear to God, I think we're the lucky couple. Relax, I just want to talk to you about our honeymoon. I'll take you anywhere you wanna go. Frankly, I'd pick a place with a nice ceiling because we're just gonna take turns looking at it. Charlie, I would love to honeymoon with you. But, well, I have to work and I think it'd be smarter to use the money to redo the house. Oh, I get it. You gave up trying to change me so now the house has to suffer? If we're gonna have a family, we'll turn the second bedroom -into a nursery. -But that's where Jake stays. But once Alan moves out then Jake won't be staying there anymore, right? -Alan's moving out? -Of course he is. Isn't he? This is so romantic. When I was a little girl, I used to love playing bride. Me too. I mean, I was the groom. Most of the time. You think you'll ever get married again? I don't know. I hope so. You should because you'd make a good husband. You're kind, considerate, dependable and you're cuter than a duck wearing a hat. Oh, come on, Charlie, we need our privacy. But they're my family. I can't just kick them out. You could've said something before now. Who knew your idea of marriage was you and me alone in a house? As long as I've known you, you've been complaining about Alan living with you. And you want to take that away from me? I thought you were ready to grow up but clearly I was wrong. What's more grown up than wanting to take care of my family? Let's not forget, you're the one who came back to me. I only came back because I wanted your sperm. Yeah, well, it's a package deal. My sperm and my brother go hand in hand. Kandi, this is so sudden. I know. But lots of good things are sudden. Like sun showers, orgasms. That's two things. Multiple orgasms. That's five. All right, deal's off. Let's get out of here. Hang on. Are you really serious about this? You love me, I love you, the sex is great. The sex is unbelievable. Wait, what'd you say? I said the wedding's off. Oh, my God, what happened? It doesn't matter. What's important is I just avoided making a huge mistake. Charlie, I am so sorry. Oh, thanks. Now let's head for a strip joint, get drunk and let the healing begin. Yeah, but before we do that, I was wondering -could I ask you for a little favor. -Yeah? -Can I borrow your wedding ring? -What for? Well, I thought as long as we're in Vegas, I'd marry Kandi. Are you insane? Oh, come on, you're not using it. By the powers vested in me by the state of Nevada I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. I don't freaking believe it. Cheer up, Charlie. You're finally getting what you always wanted. I'm moving out of your house. I don't freaking believe it.