The Maternal Combustion


 * Penny: It's so nice, she's going to love it.
 * Amy: Sure, his Mom gets roses. When I want them, they're a "bouquet of severed plant genitals".
 * Sheldon: You act like I didn't get that severed mushroom log on Valentine's Day.
 * Amy: He's right. Roses die, but a moist rotting log will pump mushrooms for two or three magical years.


 * Mary: You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.
 * Sheldon: What did they feed the lions, Mother?
 * Mary: The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.


 * [The scene of a not-so-happy Bernadette entering the kitchen of the Wolowitz house looking very cross. Only to see Stuart in his t-shirt, socks and boxers scratching his rear end and putting the jug back on the coffee maker]
 * Bernadette: [she speaks softly and firmly] Stuart.
 * [Stuart turns around and faces Bernadette]
 * Stuart: [he's greeting to her rather nervously] Morning.
 * Bernadette: [she gives Stuart a little firm advice] We talked about this. I don’t mind you still living here, but we got to have some rules. And rule number one is pants.
 * [a badly-conditioned and messy-haired Howard (wearing vest, socks and boxers) enters the kitchen scratching his tummy].
 * Howard: Hey.
 * [Then Howard scratches his rear end and reaches for the wall cupboard. Bernadette immediately gets more fed up and cross by all of this].


 * Beverly: You’ve been on and off with this woman for seven years and engaged for one year. One has to wonder if there’s a problem. Are you having satisfactory intercourse?
 * Leonard: Yes, Mother.
 * Beverly: Only satisfactory. I see.
 * Leonard: I change my answer. It-it’s amazing. It’s hot. We can barely keep our hands off each other.
 * Beverly: Seems odd to try and impress your mother with your sexual prowess. But then, you always did have that unresolved Oedipal complex.


 * Mary: You must be very proud of your son.
 * Beverly: Oh yes. He recently argued a case before the Supreme Court.
 * Mary: He did?
 * Beverly: Oh, you mean this son. (A distraught look is now on Beverly's face) Um, (unconvincingly) sure, he’s terrific.


 * Leonard: So Mom. You haven’t seen Penny since she got engaged.
 * Penny: Oh yeah, let me show you the ring.
 * Beverly: Oh, lovely. It must have been very expensive.
 * Sheldon: Oh no, not at all. No, we found a place online that, uh, re-purposes diamond drill bits.
 * Leonard: We did not. That’s not true. Can I speak to you alone for a second.
 * Sheldon: Oh, sure.
 * Leonard: It came from Tiffany’s.
 * Penny: Oh.
 * Sheldon: You mean the box, right?
 * Leonard: Keep walking!


 * Mary: The Bible is “uck” to you?
 * Beverly: No. I’m sorry. That was inappropriate. AS a psychiatrist I know how important people’s superstitions can be to them.


 * [The scene of the messy living room at the Wolowitz house where Raj and Howard (still not dressed) are playing a video game on the settee while Stuart (who is still in his t-shirt) reads a comic on the arm chair. Stuart now is now wearing pants]
 * Howard: I mean, for a while, everything was vampires. Now it’s all zombies. I wonder what the next monster fad will be.
 * Raj: We haven’t had a good invisible man in a while.
 * Stuart: Clearly, you’ve never seen me try to talk to a woman.
 * [The pretty angry Bernadette enters the messy sitting room with shopping bags and she immediately tells the guys off]
 * Bernadette: [she is so very cross with the guys attitude] Guys. In the time you’ve been sitting here playing video games, I got the car washed, picked up cleaning supplies and went to the bank.
 * Stuart: [he speaks with a nervous smile] I put on pants.
 * [Stuart flutters his eyes for a few seconds and faces Howard for a second]
 * Howard: [he grumbles to Stuart] Kiss-ass.
 * [Stuart now plods his head down to his comic and twitches his lips for one second]
 * Bernadette: [she's getting more crosser] Okay, I don’t know when I became the mother to three lazy teenagers, but it stops today. [she punishes the guys immediately] You guys are cleaning the kitchen, top to bottom.
 * [Bernadette now angrily slams a shopping bag down onto the couch next to Raj]
 * Raj: [he speaks dissapointingly] Hey, I don’t even live here.
 * Bernadette: [she is still very cross] Yes or no, do you have clothes in my laundry right now?
 * Raj: I do.
 * [Bernadette is now enormously cross at Raj's 'I do' comment]
 * Raj: [he speaks in a rather shifty way] And some of it’s wool, so dry flat if possible.
 * [Bernadette now continues to get even more crosser with a 'get yourselves organized right now' expression on her face].


 * Beverly: I’m terribly sorry that I upset your mother.
 * Sheldon: Oh, it’s all right. She’ll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell.
 * Beverly: I can’t help but notice how her unconditional love for you is diametrically opposed to my own parenting strategies.
 * Sheldon: Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement, a proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat.
 * Beverly: But look how well you turned out.
 * Sheldon: I’d feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me? Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard’s brother and sister are.
 * Beverly: I suppose.
 * Sheldon: While my brother and sister are mouth-breathing idiots.
 * Beverly: Do you suppose you would’ve flourished more in a reward-based environment?
 * Sheldon: Perhaps. But my mom made me spaghetti with chopped-up hot dogs whenever I wanted, so who cares?


 * [The kitchen scene at the Wolowitz house where the three guys are cleaning the kitchen as a punishment that Bernadette had given them]
 * Raj: How old is this Jell-O?
 * Stuart: Well, it’s carrots, so gonna say very.
 * Howard: Sorry we have to do this.
 * Stuart: Bernadette’s not wrong. She does work hard around here.
 * Raj: Yeah, maybe it’s a good thing if she stops babying you so much.
 * Howard: She doesn’t baby me.
 * Stuart: I saw her pull you home in a wagon.
 * Howard: For your information, I twisted my ankle chasing the ice cream truck.
 * Raj: Face it, dude, Bernadette treats you the same way your mother used to, and that was not a healthy relationship.
 * Howard: You’re right. It’s time for me to act like an adult in this marriage. Starting with my husbandly duty of taking out the trash. (bag rips, trash spills onto floor) Bernie, I made a mess.


 * Leonard: Not once did my mother ever give me any love or affection for just being myself. I always had to earn it.
 * Mary: Oh Leonard, I'm sure she loves you very much in her own cold godless way.
 * Penny: Yeah, and you certainly don’t have to earn my love.
 * Leonard: Thank you.
 * Penny: Of course you already knew that when you bought me this princess-cut drill bit.
 * Leonard: That’s not what it is.
 * Penny: I know. I know. {Whizzzz.}
 * Mary: When your mom gets back, I’m gonna need to apologize for the way I spoke to her.
 * Penny: Well, come on now, she did kind of start it.
 * Mary: Doesn’t matter, a good Christian would’ve turned the other cheek. On the other hand, a good Texan would’ve shot her, so, I just kind of split the difference. Hey, who’s in the mood for spaghetti and hot dogs?
 * Leonard: Oh, me.
 * Penny: Yeah, me, too.
 * Mary: Coming up.
 * Leonard: I don’t really feel I deserve it.


 * Beverly: There’s something I need to say to you.
 * Leonard: Oh really? That’s too bad.
 * Beverly: Leonard: I always made you earn my affection, but today I realize that there’s more than one way to raise a child.
 * Sheldon: I taught her that.
 * Beverly: Therefore I would like initiate a new protocol where I shower you with unconditional love.
 * Leonard: Wow. When does that start?
 * Beverly: So needy. (Holding out her arms) Come to Mommy.
 * Penny: It’s okay. Go ahead.
 * (Awkward hug)
 * Beverly: (Unemotionally) Oh, my son.
 * Leonard: Oh, my mother.
 * Penny: Oh, my God.


 * Beverly: Mary, I am curious. When did you first realize that your son had such a remarkable mind?
 * Sheldon: Oh, good question. Everybody loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.
 * Mary: Well, I’ll have to say when he was thirteen and tried to build a nuclear reactor in the tool shed.
 * Sheldon: Oh, this is a good one.
 * Mary: Now the first thing you have to know about Shelly is ever since he was a little boy he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn’t think it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was going to power the entire town for free.
 * Sheldon: Tell her about the uranium. Tell her about the uranium.
 * Mary: Oh, well. Oh, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellow cake from Chad, I thought he was talking about Twinkies from one of his friends.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, but wasn't. ‘Cause I didn't have any friends.
 * Mary: No. It turns out that this scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad!


 * Mary: What bull dropped that on the barn floor?
 * Beverly: His name is Sigmund Freud.
 * Penny: Hey, look at that. You both believe in bearded Jewish guys.
 * Mary: Stay out of this.
 * Penny: Mm-hmm.
 * Mary: At least the bearded man that I believe in preaches love and compassion. All yours talks about is why you hold in your poop and want to crawl back inside your Mama.
 * Beverly: It’s fascinating. How can someone as enlightened as Sheldon come from someone like you?
 * Mary: I know the answer. You’re not going to like it.
 * Beverly: (takes off her glasses) Try me.
 * Mary: When I was pregnant with Shelly, I was driving to church, and I was praying to the Lord to give me a son smarter than his dumb-ass Daddy. And I looked over and I saw a Jesus bobble-head in the Subaru next to me nodding yes.
 * Beverly: {Hits herself in the forehead.}
 * Mary: What is that supposed to mean?
 * Beverly: It means – I can’t believe were having this conversation.
 * Mary: Well, do it some more. Maybe you can knock some sense into yourself.


 * [The ending scene in the kitchen of the Wolowitz household where the three guys are doing more cleaning the kitchen and Raj starts whistling the first two lines of "It's a Hard Knock Life" for ten seconds, Howard then hums the next two lines of that tune for twelve seconds and Stuart sings the last line].
 * Stuart (singing): It’s a hard-knock life.
 * Together (singing): It’s the hard-knock life for us, it’s the hard-knock life for us. ‘Stead of treated, we get tricked, [Bernadette crossly enters, immediately turns around to exit with silent rage without saying anything at all and completely ignores their song. She has had enough of them by this point]. ‘stead of kisses, we get kicked, it’s the hard-knock life.
 * [The kitchen door is now closed as Bernadette is finally gone]
 * Howard (singing): Got no folks to...
 * Together (singing): speak of so it’s the hard-knock row we hoe, cotton blankets
 * [Raj hits the cooker, Stuart stamps his foot and Howard hits his brush on the bucket top as a beat to which they all do at the same time].
 * Together: (singing): ‘stead of wool, empty bellies
 * [Raj hits the cooker, Stuart stamps his foot and Howard hits his brush on the bucket top as another beat to which they all do at the same time again].
 * Together (singing): ‘stead of full, it’s a hard-knock life.