Bart the Genius


 * Martin Prince: Bart, I hope you won't bear some simple minded grudge against me. I was merely trying to fend off the desecration of the school building.
 * Bart: Eat my shorts!!
 * Martin: Pardon?


 * (The family is playing Scrabble)
 * Bart: My turn. "Kwyjibo". (places his tiles) K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points, plus triple-word-score, plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here-
 * Homer: (grabs Bart with his left hand, holding a banana in his right) Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
 * Bart: Kwyjibo. (observing Homer) Uh... a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
 * Marge: (playing along) And a short temper.
 * Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape!!!
 * Bart: (as Homer chases him away) Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose!


 * Mrs. Krabappel: Now I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success (looks directly at Bart)... if any.


 * Principal Skinner: Whoever did this is in very deep trouble!
 * Martin: And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of wiener is W-I-E-N-E-R, although E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant.


 * Homer: Doc, this is all too much. I mean, my son, a genius - how does it happen?
 * Dr. Pyror: Well, genius-level intelligence is usually the result of heredity and environment... (sees Homer staring blankly)... although in some cases it is a total mystery.


 * Marge: Bart, this is a big day for you - why don't you eat something a little more nutritious?
 * Homer: Nonsense, Marge! Frosted Krusty Flakes is what got him here today. It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of this.
 * Marge: (nagging tone) Homer!
 * Homer: I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain explodes.


 * Bart's first day at the gifted school. Homer sees it has a dress code.
 * Homer: Oh, they required ties. No problem, boy, here is mine.
 * Homer removes tie
 * Homer: Now to wear a tie, you just attach the clip, like so!
 * Bart: Thanks, Dad.
 * Homer: Now pay attention, because you may learn great things. In fact, you might do what we Simpson men have dreamed of for generations. You may outsmart somebody.


 * Homer: Jeez. No beer, no opera dogs...
 * Bart: It ain't over until the fat lady sings.
 * Homer: Is that one fat enough for you, son?
 * [Bart and Homer laugh to Marge's annoyance, as well as the other audience members]


 * Homer: I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.


 * Homer: You can't stay in there forever!
 * Bart: I can try!
 * Homer: March your butt right outta here, NOW!
 * Bart: No way, man!
 * Homer: Bart! (pause) Son, if you don't come out, I can hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.
 * [Bart is drinking a soda and reading a comic book.]
 * Bart: You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that, I'm insulted!
 * Homer: D'oh! [gets angry and pounds on the door once again. We cut to the Simpsons house where we could hear Homer continuing to bang on the door.]