To Sir with Ed

[Eddy is in his room, combing his hair.] Eddy: "Eddy, you're such a dog." [He combs it into a shape resembling Jimmy's. In a falsetto] "I wanna grow up to be just like Jimmy! Jimmy. Yeah right." [He cackles.] "Hey Mom, is it dinner yet?" [No reply comes.] "Hey Mom!" [Eddy, hearing nothing, pushes open the door to his room.] Eddy: "Anybody home?" [The question echoes all around his empty house.] Eddy: "I'm all by myself! Aah!"

''[Edd's phone rings. Ed looks at it, but doesn't answer. When he does reach across Edd's desk, it's only to pick up a bone.]'' Ed: "Cool bone, Double D!" Edd: "Ed, can you please answer the phone?" Ed: [the bone in his mouth] "Train me, Double D! Arf! Arf!" Edd: [heading for the phone] "For all our sakes, let's hope you're housebroken, Ed!" [picking up the phone] "Double D's room, Double D speaking." [Eddy is on the other end, huddled under a pile of blankets.] Eddy: [shivering] "Hiya, Double D. Uh, what's up?" Edd: "Hello, Eddy. Just revisiting my files, dilly-dallying with alpha-numeric organization." Eddy: "Thrilling. Yeah, um, listen. Why don't you guys come on over?" Edd: "Gosh, Eddy, a tad late, don't you think? I mean, Ed was finally going to–" [He stops mid-sentence.] "Please let go of my leg, Ed." Eddy: "Oh, look, there's a huge spumoni snake crawling under my bed! HELP ME!" [He gasps and makes choking noises before hanging up.] "Ha!" [The doorbell rings.] "Bingo." [opening the door] "Hey guys, what took ya?" [Eddy is looking the other way, and doesn't notice that he has grabbed Nazz until she starts to speak.] Nazz: "Sorry I'm late, Eddy. I guess your mom and dad already went out. Poor Eddy. I'll just get your dinner started, okay?" ''[As Nazz walks to the kitchen, Eddy just stands there stunned. Suddenly, his door burst open. Ed and Edd rush in, dressed in their Hive Bee Gone coveralls and brandishing brooms.]'' Ed: "THE SNAKE! WHERE IS THE SNAKE?" Edd: "Be gentle with it, Ed." ''[A knocking sound comes from above. Ed and Edd look up to see the door is stuck to the ceiling.]'' Ed: [opening the door to reveal Eddy] "Oh, hi Eddy." [Eddy falls out.] Edd: "Eddy seems a little groggy." Ed: "THE SNAKE BIT EDDY! I must extract the venom before it spreads through his veins! Like in the movies." [Ed grabs Eddy's leg and begins to suck on the skin around the ankle.] Eddy: "What are you, Ed?" ''[He shakes himself free. Sounds come from the kitchen. Whispering]'' "Quick, c'mere, quiet!" [Nazz is grating cheese into a bowl.] Eddy: "Look who's grating cheese in my kitchen!" ''[Ed and Edd spot Nazz and stop dead in their tracks. They slowly back out.]'' Nazz: [reading from a list] "So…dinner at seven, and in bed by nine! Easy!"

[Eddy is pacing the floor in his room, nervous and worried.] Edd: "This is quite a pickle. What, may I ask, is Nazz doing in your home?" Eddy: "What do I know? She just swaggered in and started making me dinner!" Edd: "Culinary delights? Eddy, you don't suppose that this could be a–date?!" Eddy: "Of course! A date! Nazz finally gave in to Eddy boy's charm. I got a date with Nazz." Edd: "I've read about these encounters. Its maneuvers are quite tricky. At least that's what I've read." Eddy: "No time for kid games, Double D. I have to go get ready for my date." [rubbing it in] "With Nazz."

[Edd is reading a book called Birds, Bees, and Sweaty Palms.] Edd: "It says a date begins with witty and humorous conversation, in order to discover compatibility." Eddy: [hunting through his closet] "In your dreams. My brother told me that chicks are wowed by only one thing–cash." [Ed picks up a razor.] Edd: "That's so superficial, Eddy! Females admire more meaningful things, like sincerity, respect, and good grooming." Ed: [turning on the razor] "And potato chips!" Eddy: [stepping out, dressed in a robe] "Do I look like twenty bucks or what?" [He puts a bubble pipe in his mouth.] Edd: "Or what is a good question. But I feel the pipe is a bit much." Eddy: "Yeah, you're right." [tossing the pipe away] "It'll distract her from my devilish good looks." Edd: "Eddy, may I suggest writing Nazz a poem? An ode, comparing her eyes to bottomless pools of beauty. Or a sonnet, detailing your boundless admiration of her personal hygiene." [Ed appears, shaved.] Ed: "Haircut?" Eddy: "You guys are clueless. Everyone knows I've got that old black magic." [He dabs some cologne on his face.] Nazz: [peeking in] "Supper's ready, Eddy." [She leaves.] Eddy: "You guys gotta help me." Ed: [as Edd tries to draw his hair back on] "What is wrong, Eddy?" Eddy: [hiding in his dresser] "Nazz scares me. The date's off! Forget it! I ain't movin'!"

[The microwave dings, and Nazz pulls out a platter of mac-and-cheese.] Nazz: "Hope you're hungry, Eddy, it's my fave!" ''[Nazz turns around to see that tonight a dresser will be seated opposite her. Eddy pushes his drawer open and looks out. When he spots Nazz, he panics silently.]'' Nazz: "No dressers at the table, Eddy. You're so funny." Edd: [in another drawer with Ed] "You heard her, Eddy. We have to lose the dresser." Ed: "I will close my eyes." Eddy: "Help me." Ed: "A is for helping, which comes from a tree. B is for lifting Edd and Eddy!" [He lifts the dresser and shakes his friends out.] "C is for grapefruit, which I don't like one bit, except with cranberry relish and a sprig of–" Eddy: "She's coming back!" [He throws his friends under the table.] Nazz: [spooning pasta onto a plate] "I hope you like my macaroni and cheese. I made it especially for you." ''[She gives the full plate to Eddy. Eddy sits sweating, tongue tied.]'' Edd: [whispering] "Why doesn't he say something?" [to Eddy] "Eddy! Compliment Nazz on her cooking! Go on! Say it!" Eddy: "Uh, dip bleh bleh blah bleh bleh?" ''[He can't speak. Nazz giggles.]'' Edd: "Oh dear. A faux pas." Ed: "Why may em nay I say Ed." [Eddy saws away part of the table and eats it.] "Cool." Nazz: "Weird." [Ed reaches up, having decided to take control of Eddy's arms.] Edd: "Remember your manners, Ed. Be confident. Small fork, then napkin. Pause, then chew, then napkin." [Topside, Eddy's food is getting thrown all over his body.] Nazz: "Eddy, look at you, you're a mess!" [Eddy waves feebly.] "I think it's time someone had a baaaath." ''[Eddy sits there stunned. The doorbell rings.]'' Nazz: "I'll get it, while you get ready." Ed: "Bathtime for Eddy! Oh, look at that macaroni behind your ears, mister." [He carries Eddy away.] Edd: "I'm ready to embrace a stalemate, gentlemen!"

Rolf: [in Urban Ranger garb reading from cue cards as Nazz opens the door] "Good day, Mrs. Eddy's Mother. We represent the Urban Rangers. As you can see, we are proud to offer you–" Jonny: "A block of ice!" Rolf: "Yes, it's unbelievable! Let us demonstrate its uses." [He switches the cards and looks up.] Nazz: "Hi Rolf." Rolf: [stunned] "Ranger Jonny, bring me the map!" [reading the map] "You claim this is Eddy's house, yet I see go-go Nazz girl at the door. No badge for you!" [He rips a badge off of Jonny's uniform.] Kevin: "Hey Rolf! Can I be an Urban Loser?" [He laughs.] Rolf: "Why do you mock us at every turn?" Nazz: "Hi Kevin!" Kevin: "Whoa! Hey, Nazz. What are you doing at Eddy's?" Nazz: "I'm babysitting while his parents are out." Kevin: "No way! Where is the little dork?" [He walks in, and Rolf grins at Jonny sheepishly.]

Edd: [turning a tap] "Just a slight adjustment–" [he has filled the tub] "–and your bath awaits!" Eddy: "Get over it, Double D." Edd: "But Eddy, Nazz expects–" Eddy: "But nothing! I ain't getting in the bath." Edd: "I'll let you borrow my…loofah." [He pulls it out of his pocket.] Eddy: "You actually carry around a–" Nazz: [from downstairs] "I hope you're in that tub, young man!" Edd: "Oh dear. She sounds annoyed! Please, Eddy! Immerse yourself!" Eddy: "Nope." Edd: "Excuse me, but is that a word? Eddy, don't forget the foundations of–" [making quotation marks with his fingers] "–court-ship." Eddy: "I think you need a bath!" Edd: "But it's your date!" Eddy: "At least I can get one!" Edd: [gasping] "Touché, Eddy. But I have an ace up my sleeve." [He snaps his fingers.] Ed: [standing behind Eddy] "Skip to my Lou, my darling." Eddy: [offscreen, as Ed tears his clothes off] "Hey, what are you doing? Stop that! Whoa! Ed! No!" [A splash comes; Eddy is now in the tub.] Ed: "And this little piggy went home." Edd: "I left your clothes on the counter. Good luck." Ed: "Don't forget to write!" [They leave the bathroom.] Eddy: "This is going just like my brother said it would."

Rolf: "Look, learn, and be amazed, Kevin boy!" ''[Kevin and Nazz are seated on the couch. Kevin looks bored.]'' "Only in the Urban Rangers will you learn the craft of ice sculpture." [He hits the block and the ice crumbles, revealing an ice sculpture of a chicken.] "Behold! A chicken!" Ed: [entering the room with Edd] "A chicken!" [He runs towards it.] Rolf: "Stop! Do not touch the ice fowl!" ''[Ed leaps on the bird and hugs it. He freezes to it.]'' Ed: "I l-l-love ch-ch-chickens!" Kevin: "I'm gonna put on some tunes." Nazz: "I better check on Eddy." Edd: [frantically flipping through the book] "Oh dear! She's skipping a chapter!"

[Eddy, still in the bath, hears the music.] Eddy: "Mood music! I better–" Nazz: [from the bottom of the stairs] "Eddy! How you doing up there?" Eddy: "Fine! Fine, yeah I'm okay." [The sound of someone coming up the steps is heard.] Eddy: "Wait. She's coming up. I'm naked!" [He looks towards the counter.] "My clothes!" ''[He dashes to get them and falls out of the bathtub. Before he can reach them, the doorknob turns.]'' Eddy: "J-just one minute!" ''[He dives back into the water. The door creaks open.]'' Ed: [carrying the chicken sculpture] "Eddy, look! Rolf made a chicken!" Eddy: [relieved and slightly disappointed] "Ed." ''[Ed slips on a bar of soap. As he falls, he loses control of the chicken sculpture, and it tumbles forward at Eddy.]'' Eddy: "The chicken! WAIT! ED!"

[Downstairs, the party is heating up.] Kevin: [bragging to Rolf] "Anyway, my–" ''[Suddenly the tub and a giant deluge of water crash through the first floor ceiling. When the wave subsides, the kids are drenched and a broken pipe is showering water on Kevin. Ed stands up in the tub and catches the head of the frozen sculpture, which is assumably broken into many pieces in the bathroom.]'' Ed: "Chicken head!" [faints] Eddy: [naked] "What's everybody doing in my house?" Nazz: "THIS IS NOT COOL! BEDTIME NOW, MISTER!" Eddy: "Bedtime?" Nazz: "You have to do what I say. That's what your parents hired me for." Eddy: "My parents hired you to date me?" Nazz: [taken aback] "Date?" [seeing the humor] "Uh, they hired me to babysit you, dude." [By now Kevin is in stitches.] Edd and Eddy: "Babysit?" Kevin: "Dorky thought he had a date with Nazz!" Rolf: "Is Rolf's Nana next?" [Ed joins in the laughter, and pretty soon the whole gathering, except Edd, is laughing at Eddy.] Edd: [handing his friend a towel] "Boy, Eddy, I would be so embarrassed."

''[The party is still going strong. Ed and Edd have joined, although Eddy is nowhere to be seen. Edd pours Rolf some punch.]'' Rolf: "Ah, yes, good. Rolf's thirst is only comparable to the dryness of Papa's chafed elbow." Ed: [wearing the chicken head as a hat] "Cluck cluck cluck. Has anybody seen my egg, as I am sure I have laid it around here somewhere..."

''[In Eddy's room, all the noise is keeping him awake. He opens his door and looks out. He smiles when he sees the party, but ducks back inside when Nazz passes by. He then looks out resentfully at the partygoers.]'' Kevin: "Yo Nazz, can I crank these tunes or what? I figure I better ask the babysitter." Nazz: "Sure, hang on. Let me just close Eddy's door." [She shuts the door on Eddy's neck and fingers.] Eddy: "YEEOOOCHH!" Rolf: [the party stopping] "We have woken the baby." Ed: [taking off the chicken head] "Okay. Back to bed, m-m-mister." ''[Eddy blows him a raspberry. While he's blowing, his head slips through the doorway, leaving him hanging by his tongue.]'' Eddy: [banging on the door] "Open the door! I'm stuck!" Jonny: "You're right, it's probably a gas bubble." Ed: "Spillage emergency!" [He takes Jonny's headwear and ties it to Eddy's tongue.] "Baby made a mess." Eddy: "Open the door, Ed!"