Hocus Pocus

Characters

 * SpongeBob
 * Patrick
 * Squidward
 * Gary
 * Tom
 * Mr. Magic
 * Charlie

Dialogue
SpongeBob: (holding a pan over the stove) Come on, stovie, pop that corn! (popcorn bag grows enormously huge) Get ready, Gary. (trips over Gary landing in the chair) Incoming! (popcorn bag explodes everywhere)

Gary: Meow. (popcorn ricochets everywhere and piles up to SpongeBob’s waist)

SpongeBob: Popcorn is served! (eats a piece of popcorn while music plays on TV)

Car Washer: That, bro, is trouble at any car wash.

TV Announcer: We will return to "Bikini Bottom Car Wash" after these messages.

Commercial Announcer: Are you boring?

Charlie: Yes, yes I am.

Commercial Announcer: When friends describe you, do they use words like... (words appear as they are being said) "dull!" or "drab!"?

Charlie: (laughs) Don't forget "platitudinous". (word appears over his head. Mystical head floats beside Charlie)

Commercial Announcer: Yes, that too, Charlie. But what if I told you that you can change all that with the magic of...magic! (turns Charlie into a magician)

Charlie: (laughs) I look like some kind of magician. Now people won't ignore me.

Commercial Announcer: Let's hope not, Charlie. With my "Mister Magic Magical Magic Kit", even you can impress and amaze your friends.

SpongeBob: (holds on to the TV) I want to impress and amaze my friends.

Commercial Announcer: Just send $19.95 to me, Mister Magic. (SpongeBob puts an envelope into the mail slot then takes the post office mail can and stuffs it in 'Outgoing Mail')

Narrator: 4 to 6 weeks later.

Mailman: One magic kit and another one of these yellow things. (stuffs both into SpongeBob’s mailbox then drives off)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: (gets out of his mailbox and rips the packaging off the box that came in the mail) Here it is: Mister Magic’s Magical Magic Kit. (opens the box and gasps) Look at all this! A book of spells, my very own wand of whimsy, the beard of Rasputin, and, of course, the all-important license to practice magic. (notices Squidward to the side slurping a drink) Squidward! He'll appreciate my newly delivered skill.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Squidward: Brine soda, low-fast seaweed crisps, cool jazz. (eats a seaweed crisp) Mm, mm, Squidward you have done it. You have officially spoiled yourself rotten.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: Well, let the rotting continue, friend, while I impress and amaze you with...magic!

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Squidward: Magic? Can you make yourself disappear, SpongeBob?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: (laughs) Silly Squidward. I won't learn vanishing spells until I become a level 10 wizard. (Squidward's eye twitches) No, I better start with something simpler. (gets out a deck of cards) Say card conjuring. (Squidward is now depressed more than ever) Here, hold this simple, playing card while I transform it into a magic playing card before your very eyes. Let's see... (reads his book of spells) step 1...

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Squidward: (sighs) This can't possibly end soon.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: Which brings us to... step three. Juggle something. Well, if you insist Mister Magic. (juggles the three balls in and out of his holes on his body)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Squidward: (steps onto the bus that just pulled up) I don't care where I'm going, just take me away from here. (bus drives off)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: Then take one card and shove it in your ear. (does so. A car drives by with the dad in the drivers seat and his son in the passenger seat crying)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Kid: But I don't like pistachio!

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Tom: Then why did you ask for it? (drives into a bump which causes the ice cream to fly out the car and into Squidward's lawn chair. Kid continues to cry)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: And finally, say the words "Hobris-Pobris". (gasps) Squidward! My simple card-trick has turned you into an ice-cream cone. Which means...I am a level ten wizard! I suppose I should change you back to squid form. (looks at his book of spells) Presto! (nothing happens) Uh, let's see. Alakazam! (gasps) Abracadabra. (gasps) Okilee-dokilee. Hobra-cobra. Oh! Open sesame. Change-o back-o to Squidward-o, please-o? Oh, I am so sorry, Squidward. (sniffs) I've transformed you into a delicious dairy dessert and I can't change you back! There, there, Squidward. There is no need to cry. I promise you will continue your normal life despite the fact that you are now edible. (cut to "The Reef" where SpongeBob and Squidward, as an ice-cream cone, are watching a movie. Ice-cream cone tilts over into SpongeBob’s arm and makes him smile. Cut to SpongeBob reading Squidward a story. Cut to the beach where SpongeBob and Squidward are lying on a towel trying to get a tan. SpongeBob looks over and notices melting ice cream cone) Whoa oh! (a beach goer, trying to catch a frisbee, slips in the ice-cream cone. SpongeBob screams then runs over to Squidward) Speak to me. Speak! (breathes heavily as he runs to his house and puts the cone in the freezer) Hey, Squid, are you okay? (closes freezer door then reopens it) Hey, Squid, are you still okay? (winks then closes door and reopens it again screaming then laughing) Hey Squidward, I got something for you! Someone to keep you company in that drab ol' freezer. (set a pink ice-cream cone next to Squidward) Oh, aren't they cute? I promise to stand by as an eternal guard over my buddy.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob, whatcha doing?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: I have turned poor Squidward into a frozen dessert.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Patrick: That's awful. How tragic. Poor Squidward.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: It's all my fault.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Patrick: Did you say frozen dessert? (takes the green ice-cream cone out of the freezer)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: Yeah. I turned him into a tasty soft-serve with a waffle cone. (cries)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Patrick: Oh...soft serve. (licks ice cream cone)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: Patrick! Stop eating Squidward!

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Patrick: Oh, sorry. (licks it a few more times)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: Patrick! (Patrick licks it again) Pat...!!

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Patrick: But he's so tasty! (licks it many more times before SpongeBob takes it)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: Look, Patrick, don't you understand?! This isn't just your ordinary ice-cream cone.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Patrick: It's pistachio.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: No!!! It's Squidward!! (ice cream begins to melt) And no matter what happens, I promised him that I would watch over him to ensure his soft, frozen life is unchanged. (Patrick is licking the melted ice cream off the floor) Patrick! Squidward has melted! Quick, call the police. What am I going to do?! Oh, Neptune, it's all my fault! What have I done?! What have I done?! Aah! (hits self with the magic kit) What have I done?! Aah! (hits self with the magic kit) What have I done?! Aah! (hits self with the magic kit) It's all your fault! (throws the magic kit on the ground and stomps on it) Curse you, Mister Magic's Magical Magic Kit!! Curse you!!! Hey, that's it! That's the answer to our problems!

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Patrick: Warning: From ages 9 to 99.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: No, Patrick, the one mystic being that can help us: Mister Magic! (cut to SpongeBob and Patrick walking down a road) Just follow the brown-tiled road to the most mysterious mystic of them all. No one's ever seen him in person.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Voice: Enter! (SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to a floating hat) Who dares to see Mister Magic? (SpongeBob and Patrick are screaming) Speak up!

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: It is I, SpongeBob of the SquarePants, Magician Level One. And I have turned my friend into ice-cream.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Mister Magic: Good job.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: Well, thank you, but well, I can't change him back.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Mister Magic: Hmmm, um, well, have you ever thought of a different hobby?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: I need your help to change him back.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Mister Magic: My help? Uh, no thank you.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: But if you don't my friend will be a cone forever.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Mister Magic: Sorry, I... umm... I'm out to lunch, that's it.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: I'll wait.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Mister Magic: I'm on a two-year lunch.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: No, please.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Mister Magic: Silence! (Patrick notices something and walks to it)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: But, sir, no one else has your power of sorcery. (Patrick opens the curtain to reveal someone behind it making Mister Magic noises)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Mister Magic: Thank...you.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, there's a guy over here talking into a tubey thing.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Mister Magic: Uhh, ignore your friend. The fish you see is only an illusion.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Patrick: Why's he saying the same thing Mister Magic's saying?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick. Who are you, good sir?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Fish #1: Well, I... uh... I'm Horace B. Magic.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: Are you Mister Magic?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Fish #1: (chuckles) Technically, yes. But the only magic around here is the magic of business.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: Does that mean you can't change my friend back?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Fish #1: (chuckles) I'm, I'm afraid not. So sorry about that, laddie. Your refund check is in the mail.

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: I don't need a refund, I want my friend back! This isn't about money. You're nothing but a fake. Just a lying, corporate businessman, tainting the purity of magic with your corrupt commercial ways. You have ruined my faith in the magical arts. (screaming cry...)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Fish #1: Security. (SpongeBob and Patrick are booted out. Cut to both of them by Squidward's lawn chair with SpongeBob still crying)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: What are we going to do about Squidward?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Patrick: We could always eat him. I'm kind of hungry. (stomach growls)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: Mister Magic was a fake and all his magic stuff is fake! All those magic words, they were fake. Yacky, shmacky, bappy, dappy, doppy, goffy, boffy... (speaks gibberish as the same bus from beginning drives up and Squidward steps off)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Squidward: Eww. (throws the jar with the cone in it away) What are you doing, SpongeBob?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: Squidward! You're back. The magic words worked. (puts on his magician hat) I really am magical after all. Can I turn you into something else, now? (motorcycle approaches)

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Squidward: Hey, stop! (motorcycle stops and Squidward jumps on it) Get me out of here!

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">Patrick: (stomach growls) Hey, SpongeBob? I'm still hungry. Can you turn me into a jar of mayonnaise so I can eat myself?

<p style="margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:0.5em;line-height:19.1875px;font-family:sans-serif;">SpongeBob: Sure, buddy. Patrick-a mayonnaise-icka. (Patrick is now a jar of mayonnaise)