Too Old to Trick or Treat, Too Young to Die

(The Forman’s basement. The gang is watching an Alfred Hitchcock marathon. Eric is bouncing a little rubber ball…Kelso is standing by the door drinking something…and the rest are on the couch)

Announcer: Now, back to the Hitchcock movie marathon…

(Fez comes in dressed as a Frank N. Furter from “Rocky Horror Picture Show”)

Fez: BOO!

(Kelso, drinking something, proceeds to spill it all over shirt after being scared by Fez)

Kelso: Dammit Fez!

Eric:(he turns aroun) OH! Damn Fez!

Donna: Fez! What the hell are you doing?!

Kelso: Fez, I don’t know if you’ve noticed…but you’re dressed like a girl…and…not a nice girl! (He walks over to the washer and dryer)

Fez: Kelso, you spilled juice all over your shirt…you look stupid. (He adjusts himself)

Eric: Hey Kelso, while you’re over there…would you please, please toss Fez a pair of pants?!

Donna: Or at least a skirt.

Fez: No. I’m Dr. Frank N. Futer from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. You know, my ultra conservative host parents were upset about my rock hard ass.

(He shoves his butt in Jackie’s face. She stares happily)

Donna: Fez, put it away or take it outside. (She jumps over the couch to Eric) So, Eric, do you wanna get out of here? You know, do something fun for Halloween?

Fez: I DO!

Kelso: I gotta go to a stupid Halloween party with Laurie’s stupid friends. Not only do I have to wear a suit, but all her guy friend’s act like they’ve done it with her before.

Eric: Um…Kelso…

Hyde: Leave it.

Eric: Ok. Look, there’s nothing to do. It’s like we’re too old to Trick ‘er’ Treat and too young to die.

Hyde: Oh hey, we could take Fez to Chicago and pedal his ass for beer.

Fez: I’m game!

Donna: No, Eric, I thought that maybe there was something we could do…together.

Eric: Pft, I doubt it.

Kelso: OOO, BURN!

Donna: Wait! WHAT?!

Eric: No! I…No, no, I didn’t mean it like that.

Jackie: Nope, sorry Eric. That was a burn. What’s burnt it burnt, and what’s burnt…is Donna.

Donna: Oh, so we’re out of fun things to do. You’re already bored of your girlfriend?

Eric: No, I meant…this town…not you…pretty lady.

Kelso: You know what would be fun? If we were in an Alfred Hitchcock movie right now, and we didn’t know it. And then, someone one told us and we were all like, “Oh man! I’m in a movie!”

(One by one, the camera shoots a close up of each person, and they all give the camera surprised looks. It goes: Hyde, Kelso, Donna, Eric, Jackie, and Fez.)

Donna: Yeah, ok, I’m out of here.

Eric: Wait, but I thought we-

Donna: GET BENT!

Eric: Ok, I’ll do that.

(Fez gets up and walks over to Eric who’s still bouncing his ball)

Fez: You know what would cheer you up? A little Trick or Treating. (Eric continues to bounce the ball) HELLO?! Quit bouncing the ball and let’s do something.

Eric: Yeah, you know…I can’t Fez. ‘Cause I can’t even look at you. I don’t know whether to throw you out or throw you down and make sweet love to you.

Hyde: You know, that says more about you than it does him.

Eric: Well, I’m not the one dressed like a damn girl!

(Fez steals Eric’s super ball)

Fez: Well, the damn girl has your ball. Hehe! (He runs outside)

Eric: What do I care about…man, that’s my ball! (He runs after Fez)

(Shot shifts to the two of them outside. Fez climbs on top of the roof and Eric follows.)

Fez: Oh, these heels are killing me!

Eric: Okay Fez, that’s it. Give the ball back and no one gets hurt.

(Eric lunges toward the ball and falls off the roof, but manages to grab on to the gutter. Shot goes back to Jackie, Kelso, and Hyde in the basement still watching the TV.)

Kelso: Hey, guys, do you wanna go outside and see Fez and Eric run around? Someone might get hurt! It’s funny when people get hurt.

(He starts playing with the tab on his soda can.)

Hyde: Especially when they’re in their underwear. That’s great.

Jackie: (To Kelso:) Okay, the only person dumb enough to get hurt around here is you.

Kelso: Okay, Jackie, I’m really starting to get sick- (he hurts himself playing with the soda can.) OWWWWW! Awww! Aww! (He puts his hand in his mouth.)

Hyde: That’s great.

(Shot shifts back to Eric and Fez. Fez is trying to help Eric without falling himself.)

Fez: I’ll give you the ball back Eric, just don’t fall. We don’t want anyone falling. No falling. (He falls off the roof) AHHHH!

(Shot shifts to Eric still holding on and Fez on the ground unconscious.)

(“That 70’s Show” theme song plays)

(Eric’s room. Fez is in a wheel chair with Eric, Red, and Hyde standing around him. Kitty is wrapping his left ankle.)

Kitty: Okay Fez, you have a nasty sprain here…not to a…to mention a run in your stockings! Hahaha!

Red: So, you were running around, chasing him up on the roof because he took your little rubber ball?

Eric: Oh, it wasn’t a ball. It was a super ball.

Hyde: Yeah, you should see that thing bounce. It’s pretty super.

Red: Dumbasses.

Kitty: Honey, get Fez a blanket. He needs to cover his...he needs to just cover up!

(Eric gets up on a little stool and gets a blanket from his closet. As he is getting down he gets a funny look on his face he starts remembering his “brush with death” on the roof. The shot shifts to him on a hypnotic black and white background with him screaming “AHHHHHH!” Shot shifts back to the room and he falls into Hyde’s arms.)

Hyde: Get off me, you girl! (He drops him on the ground and Eric comes out of his daze.)

Eric: What…what happened?

Kitty: Honey, you just, you just had a little touch of Vertigo there. So, just uh, stay away from heights for a while and you’ll be fine.

(She goes over to her first aid kit on the dresser and Kelso and Jackie walk in.)

Kelso: See?! See that Jackie!? Fez hurt himself! There is someone stupider than me!

Jackie: It’s not his fault he’s stupid! He’s foreign! What’s your excuse…stupid?

Kelso: Well, I know one thing’s for sure. There’s definitely someone bitchier than me.

Jackie: Oh, you better not mean me.

Kelso: OH...I..so…mean…YOU!

Jackie: UGH! (She leaves)

(Kelso starts to follow)

Hyde: Nice burn.

Eric: Top shell.

Kelso: Thanks guys.

(Kitty looks out the window.)

Kitty: Well, now, that’s strange. Midge’s car is right there, Bob said she wasn’t home. In fact, I haven’t seen her for days.

Hyde: Maybe she went to the store and forgot where she lived.

Kitty: (Laughs hysterically for a few seconds, then realizes what she’s doing.) Oh, that’s just wrong.

(She leaves.)

Eric: (claps his hands) Okay, Fez, I know what will cheer you up. (He grabs some binoculars sitting on his stool, and hands them to Fez. Then he pushes Fez’s wheelchair over to his window.) With these, you can look into the Pinciotti’s house and frequently enjoy a naked Midge, up close and personal.

Fez: That’s exactly how I like my naked Midges.

Eric: Oh, but Fez, be warned. If Bob approaches a naked Midge, look away. For the love of god, look away! Okay, let’s practice. Naked Midge, Naked Midge, Naked Midge, Naked Midge, Bob!

Fez: Aye! (He yanks the binoculars away from his eyes.)

Eric: You’re going to be okay.

(The Forman’s kitchen. Kitty is on the phone and Red walks in. Kitty is cooking some soup.)

Kitty: Oh, okay. All right. Yeah, Bye. (She hangs up the phone.) Red, I need you to take this soup up to Fez.

Red: No Kitty. He’s wearing ladies’ underwear. Uh…no.

Kitty: Well, crazy bird lady from next door called. She and her bingo crew’s stuck out on Lake Michigan, and she asked me to feed her birds. So, you can either feed the birds or feed the Fez.

Red: Give me panty boy’s damn soup.

Kitty: Hello, pretty birds. Hello…pretty damn big birds. It’s your Aunt Kitty. (She goes to open one of the cages. When she does a bird flies out and hits the window and dies. She goes over to pick it up and gets scared. All the birds start screeching at her and she drops the bird and just stands there.)

(The Forman’s living room. Red is watching TV eating popcorn alone. Kelso walks in.)

Kelso: Hey. (He grabs some popcorn from Red’s lap. He points at the TV.) OH! I’ve seen this one. These guys think that Grant is a secret agent but he’s not. It’s a case of mistaken identity.

Red: Right. Like you’ve mistaken me for someone who wants you here.

Kelso: Hehe...wait…was that- (he’s interrupted by the doorbell.) Oh. Kickback. I’ll get it.

Red: No. Don’t. It’s the paperboy.

Kelso: Mr. Forman, you have to answer your door.

Red: Look, I forgot to pay him for last couple of weeks. And, I didn’t pick up any cash, so, just ignore it!

Kelso: I don’t think you understand, ok? I…I can’t let a doorbell go unanswered.

(Red gets up.)

Red: Don’t answer the damn door!

(Kelso gets up and heads for the door.)

Kelso: But I gotta!

Red: Don’t!

Kelso: But I gotta!

Red: Fine, you pay him, kettlehead.

(He goes into the kitchen. Kelso opens the door to see the paperboy, who’s very pissed off.)

Paperboy: Hey, Forman. I want my money.

Kelso: Oh…uh…oh there’s no Forman’s here. (He turns and looks around…not realizing it says Forman on the back of shirt he borrowed from Eric.) See for yourself.

Paperboy: Then why does it say Forman on the back of you shirt?

Kelso: (looks at the shirt) Oh, I borrowed the shirt.

Paperboy: It’s a bunch of bullcorn, Forman! Now, give me my money!

Kelso: I’m not Forman. (He tries to close the door but the paperboy puts his foot in the way.) Look, don’t you think you’re taking this paperboy thing a little too seriously?

Paperboy: I’m a very serious paperboy.

Kelso: Okay, do you know what this is? This is a case of mistaken identity. Because YOU are MISTAKEN about MY IDENTITY!

Paperboy: FORK IT OVER FORMAN!

Kelso: (points behind the paperboy) Look! Someone is trying to steal your bike! (Paperboy runs out and Kelso smiles and sits back down on the couch) Fine, there’s two guys stupider than me.

(Eric’s room. Fez is watching Bob lug heavy garbage bags through his living room.)

Hyde: Hey.

Fez: Hi.

Hyde: Any sign of naked Midge yet?

Fez: Nope, just Bob lugging them big huge garbage bags. What do you suppose is in them?

Hyde: Oh, I dunno, I’m guessing…garbage?

Fez: Or, you know how Mrs. Kitty said she hadn’t seen Midge in a few days? What if…naked Midge is in the bags?! (He goes back to spying.)

(The Forman’s living room. Red is back watching TV. Kitty comes in, she is very freaked out.)

Kitty: Red, I killed a bird!

Red: Hehe. (Noticing that Kitty is getting mad, he wipes the smile off his face.) Awww.

Kitty: And then the rest of them, they just, they just glared at me with this birdie hate look! I can’t go back there. I have to find someone else to feed those birds! Someone who won’t flinch in the face of evil! (Laurie walks in.) Oh, and there’s Mommy’s girl! Laurie, have I got a job for you.

Laurie: Not interested.

Kitty: It pays 10 bucks!

Laurie: All right! I’ll do anything for 10 bucks!

Kitty: And for once, that’s a good thing!

(The Forman’s front porch. Donna and Jackie are sitting. Donna is very upset and thinking.) Jackie: Donna what’s wrong? You look sad.

Donna: I think Eric thinks I’m boring. Do you think I’m boring?

Jackie: Oh, Donna…yeah a little. But, it’s not like it’s a bad thing! The world needs people like you. You’re the gray that makes the color, me, POP!

Donna: Jackie! I’m not boring! Eric and I do lots of fun stuff together! We go to movies-

Jackie: Every Friday night, early show.

Donna: What? I get sleepy!

(Jackie nods her head.)

Donna: Oh no! (We can hear her thoughts:) BORING?! BORING?!

(Scene shifts to the hypnotic black and white background, only this time Donna is screaming on it.)

(Laurie feeding the birds. As she puts her arm in one of the cages a bird poops on her. She screams, and then scene cuts to the hypnotic black and white and Laurie is screaming on it. Scene cuts back to the birdhouse and Laurie runs out.)

(Eric’s room. Eric, Hyde, and Fez, are still spying on the Pinciotti’s house. Eric is looking through the binoculars and sees Donna dressed in a blonde wig being very mysterious.)

Eric: Hey, who’s the hot blonde? Oh wait a minute, that’s no hot blonde. That’s…Donna! Where is she going?

Hyde: Maybe she’s going patrolling for men who don’t piss her off.

Eric: I don’t know where she’s going, but I’m going to follow her.

(Eric stands up and gets his Vertigo again, and the hypnotic scene appears again. It cuts back to the room and Eric faints in Hyde’s arms again.)

Hyde: Would you quit doing that?!

(He drops him again. Eric gets up quickly and silently, puts the binoculars in Fez’s lap, and leaves. Hyde grabs the binoculars and continues spying.)

Hyde: Hey, I don’t know how this fits into you’re murder theory, but Bob’s wearing an apron with guts all over it and holding a big carving knife!

(Fez grabs the binoculars and looks. Shot shows Bob with his apron and guts and knife.)

Fez: He did kill Midge! And I never got to see her naked!

(The Forman’s driveway. Kelso outside, waiting for Laurie. He sees a remote control plane and starts following it with his eyes. He soon realizes it’s the Paperboy trying to annoy him for money. Kelso dodges the plane and falls then gets back up again when he sees the plane coming back towards him. Finally, he falls again in the Forman’s garage and the plane crashes into a painting above him. The Paperboy comes and takes his wallet, takes the money out, and throws the wallet back down at Kelso.)

Paperboy: That’s $2.50 plus a 50-cent tip…cause I’m good! See ya next week, Forman.

Kelso: (crying) I’m not FORMAN!

(The Forman’s living room. Kelso barges in, Kitty is watching TV. Kelso’s suit is all dirty and ripped and he’s messy. He’s really pissed off.)

Kelso: First of all Mrs. Forman, I’m using your shower. (He goes up the stairs and starts crying. Then he stops in the middle.) And second of all, you have to pay your paperboy!)

(Laurie runs into the living room, very frightened. She stands by the door holding herself.)

Kitty: So…how did it go? Did you feed the birds?

Laurie: Well…uh…yeah…I mean, I dunno! I think I did!

Kitty: Well, either you did or you didn’t!

Laurie: Well, you didn’t either! And you didn’t even get pooped on! Now go find someone else to go feed those stupid birds!

(Eric’s room. Fez is all alone. Hyde has snuck into the Pinciotti’s house. Fez is watching. We can hear his thoughts.)

Fez: Oh, Hyde please be careful! Go get some clues. Why aren’t you checking the garbage bags full of Naked Midge? (We see Hyde come back with two beers and he stands in the room dancing.) Ohh beers! Ahaha! He’s so funny! Oh what is he going to do? (Hyde takes off his pants to moon Fez.) Is he going to moon me? (Bob comes in. Hyde runs away.) Oh, Run, HYDE, RUN! WAIT! DON’T FORGET THE BEERS! (We see Bob with a strange look on his face and Fez gets scared and backs out of the light. Then he tries turning off the lamp and has difficulty. Eventually he does.)

(The Forman’s bathroom. Kelso is getting ready for his shower. We see him take off his clothes and a shot goes to his Hulk Boxers. He gets in the shower and starts washing. Laurie comes in and opens the door. It’s supposed to be similar to a scene from the movie Psycho. She opens the shower curtain and sees Kelso.)

Laurie: Why are you in my bathroom?! (She takes the scrubber and pretends to stab Kelso with it. Angrily, Laurie walks over to the toilet and flushes it. The water in the shower gets really hot and burns Kelso.)

Kelso: AHHHH! That’s really hot!

(He knocks over a bottle of red shampoo.)

Laurie: YOU SPILLED MY SHAMPOO! GOD, YOU IDIOT! (Shot of spilled shampoo. It runs down the drain.)

(Eric’s room. Fez is alone in the dark waiting for Bob. He’s holding a camera. Bob opens the door and Fez starts taking pictures, flashing the camera’s flash to scare Bob off.)

Fez: HELP! HELP!

(Hyde comes in and turns on the light.)

Fez: You can’t kill me like you killed Midge, you big doofy!

Bob: Kill Midge? I didn’t kill Midge. She’s in Chicago visiting her sister.

Fez: Oh, really. Then what was in the heavy garbage sacks?

Bob: Garbage, you idiot.

Hyde: Oh, well I guess that explains the giant knife, the guts all over your apron. Oh, wait, no it doesn’t!

Fez: Explain that, killer!

Bob: They were pumpkin guts. I was making Jack-o’-lanterns.

Fez: So, you’re hiding Midge’s body in a jack-o’-lantern. Clever plan.

Bob: (he walks over to the window.) Look, there’s Midge now. Not dead or nothing.

(Camera closes in on the Pinciotti’s house where Midge is getting undressed by the window.)

Fez: Oh goody! You can go now.

Bob: Midgey! No! Cover yourself! (He leaves)

(Shot goes back to Midge undressing. Hyde starts fighting with Fez for the binoculars.)

Hyde: Give it!

Fez: NO!

(Hyde slaps Fez’s ankle.)

Fez: AYE!

(The water tower. Eric is at the bottom screaming for Donna.)

Eric: Donna! Donna! (He then starts talking to himself.) Why would she go up the water tower? Why does she want to be up there? And why…am I talking to myself? I have to…(he gulps) climb. (Shot of Eric in the hypnotic scene. When the scene shifts back, Eric is at the top of the water tower. Donna is at the top still in her blonde wig and trench coat.)

Eric: Donna, what the hell are you doing?

Donna: (grabs him. Her voice is all mysterious.) I guess you’ve caught me. And, if you must know the truth...(her voice goes back to normal)…I’m not boring, you ass!

Eric: I never said you were boring. How’d you know I’d follow you here?

Donna: I saw you spying on me.

(She sits down on the edge.)

Eric: I wasn’t…no…I wasn’t spying on you. I was teaching Fez how to spy on your naked-yeah, you know what? I was spying on you.

(He sits down next to her. Next to Donna is a basket. He notices it and comments.)

Eric: Donna, please, tell me there’s not a…head…in that basket.

Donna: Haha, no. It’s just a picnic. (She puts the basket behind her.)

Eric: So…so we’re ok?

(Donna nods and Eric leans over and starts making out with her.)

Eric: Lovin’ it!

Donna: Ouch, you’re on my leg! (She accidentally pushes him off. He grabs on to the edge of the tower.)

Eric: Oh my god, I’m gonna die!

Donna: Eric, hold on I’m going to pull you up!

Eric: No, Donna, you can’t. You’re just a girl. (She pulls him up over the railing) Okay! You got it! Haha! (He goes to step on the railing and completely falls off this time. But lands in a tree.) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Ow.

(Kitty at crazy bird lady’s house. She opens the front door and sees all the cages empty. All of a sudden the door slams behind her. The birds are all over the place cawing at her. She starts screaming.)

Kitty: AHHHHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH! (Cuts to Kitty in the hypnotic scene. Then back to the house. All the birds come flying at her. She spots a telephone booth next to her.) A telephone booth! That’s lucky! (The birds hurl themselves at the phone booth and Kitty bangs on the glass to get them away. Scene cuts to the Forman’s house. Kitty is asleep on the couch flailing her arms. The she wakes up and realizes it was a dream.) Oh thank god! It was just a dream! Well, I can’t go back there. I just can’t!

(Eric’s room. Donna is sitting on his bed and Eric is in a wheel chair.)

Eric: So, Donna, even though my ankle is sprained, I can still probably make it up that water tower. You know, finish what we started.

Donna: You know, I would, but I don’t know if I can. Something happened to me up there too.

Eric: Oh, I know. Vertigo, right? Fear of heights?

Donna: No, Eric! Fear of SEX!

Eric: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Cuts to Eric in the hypnotic scene.) The End