American Pie Presents: The Book of Love

MAN 1 ON COMPUTER: Mistress, spank my bottom. Spank it really hard! Please, spank my bottom! - That is unpleasant. - Spank it really hard. WOMAN ON COMPUTER: Lick my nipples. No, thank you, pregnant lady. MAN 2 ON COMPUTER: Strip, soldier! You're gonna find out why they call me the drill sergeant. (WHIP CRACKS) (SIGHS) That's... That's nice, baby. No, Frizzy! No! (GROANING) (GASPING) No, no, no, Frizzy! No! Frizzy. (PHONE BEEPS) No, no, no, wait! Cody! No. ROB ON PHONE: No, no, no, Frizzy! No! Don't worry about it, man. Everyone's got a sex tape. Please. Yeah, except they're having sex with people. - (GRO ANING) Frizzy. - Right. It's not technically incest if your family member's a different species. So, are you getting close with Dana yet? The rumours are true. She's taken the pledge. No sex? She was your sure thing. - Faith-camp propaganda, man. - NATHAN: She's waiting until marriage. I thought she had sex with six guys. What? Get to class. No cell phones in the hall, Alyson. You can pick this up from my office today after school. No, no, no, Frizzy! No! Frizzy! Well, I've seen worse. No, no, no, Frizzy! No! (CLEARS THROAT) Miss Johnson. Lunch today? I'll have to check my calendar, perv... Pete. No, no, no, Frizzy! No! Frizzy! Look. Look. Look at that. No, no, no, Frizzy! No! Frizzy! (CHEERLEADER EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) - Hey, just ignore them. - Oh, God. You saw it, too? - Just so you know, it's not at all... - Hey, don't worry about it. Frizzy's a good-looking dog. So, do you wanna do it? Are we on? Rob? Rob? Are we on for seventh period? Yeah. I... I'll... - I'll meet you over there. - Okay. - Doggy style! - Hey, Stifler. Is that your girlfriend? No, we're just... We're just... We're friends. Just friends? How sweet. Well, she seems awful ripe. If you don't pick the fruit, I will. STIFLER: Hey, beautiful. STIFLER: Wow! (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) CHARLES ON PA: Good morning, East Great Falls Blazers. Don't forget about the big game against Central this week and the Aloha Dance this Friday from 7:00 to midnight. Hawaiian shirts and leis are recommended for entrance. (CHARLES GIGGLES) - PRINCIPAL ON PA: Charles, knock that off. - Sorry. (MR O'DONNELL CLEARS THROAT) Let's focus on the quiz, please. Douche bag. I'm serious about this pledge, you know. I know. - So just dancing tonight. - Yeah. Just dancing. The horizontal hula. Nathan. Poor Nathan. His willy must be hard enough to cut glass by now. Nathan loves me, and Nathan respects me. Okay. A, a guy never respects a girl enough to give up sex. And, B, well, what about you? You must be feeling pretty randy by now, Dana. Okay, well, yeah, maybe, like, the tiniest bit, but I really feel like I'm connecting with the higher power here. Yes, I know, and that is totally fab, but I know I couldn't do it. I'm way too into giving blow jobs. Ask Richard. Hey, don't listen to lmogen, okay? Sex is a really big deal, and if you feel like you're not ready, then I think you should wait. DANA: But... No offence, Heidi, but you have no idea what you're talking about. Text me later. - Hey, Rob. - ROB: Yeah? - Can I ask you something? - Sure. What's up? Well, it's kind of personal. Okay. I've been thinking. You know I'm a virgin, right? It's just... I don't know. Everyone's already done it like a million times already, and I know I don't have a boyfriend or whatever, but... But sometimes I feel like I should just get it over with. You know? I mean, just get past this whole thing, this virgin. What does that even mean, anyway? So I've never had a penis in my vagina, but so what? Why do I have to label everything? Like, "She's too innocent. "She can't handle it." I'm not that innocent. I've seen Showgirls and Blue Lagoon. Anyways, I think I've decided to just do it. But what do you think? Yeah. I think you should definitely go ahead and get it over with. (LAUGHS) Thanks. Let's get back to work. (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (WHOOPS) Stifcam coming at you live from the Aloha Dance here at the East Great Falls... This chick just grabbed my ass. She wants to play the Stifmeister's flute skin. Let go find some of that sweet-looking pinoche, Gibbsy. Hey, check it out. There's Heidi. LUBE: All right, all right. She looks highly doable. All right, so what's the game plan here? I don't know. Ask her to dance, I guess. You need a plan, all right? It's all about establishing your intentions. See, right now, she thinks of you as just a friend. You need to break that paradigm. Remember, friends don't let friends just be friends. - Right. - I'm serious. You cannot puss out here. All right, take it easy. I'm gonna go talk to her. Wait. Aren't you forgetting something? Oh. Oh. Oh. Here, don't forget these. You only need those when you're alone. Right. Right. Okay. - (EXCLAIMS) Okay! - What? What's wrong? I can't. - But it's only second base. - I know. But if we go there, then we're gonna wanna go further. But Adam and Eve did it. (GASPS) I'm sorry. Hey, hey. I love you. Do you know that? Come here. Is God okay with a blow job? (GASPS) I thought you understood how I felt about this. I told you, it's important for me to save myself until marriage. You've had sex with seven guys. (GASPING) And it was six, not seven! Well, one was a black guy, so he counts as two. Dana. - Dana, come on. - Fuck off. Dana. Come on, Dana. Dana! (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, girls. This is gonna be for Sit-on-my-face-book. I need you to kiss one time, okay? I don't know. Come on. It's gonna be seen by millions of people. (LAUGHS) Okay. (BOYS CHEERING) Okay, we're gonna go again, but this time, sneak in some tongue for daddy. Okay. (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) That's what I'm talking about, baby! (BOYS CHEERING) Stifmeister strikes again! Dude. You're gonna love this. Check this out. Yeah. So? Watch and learn. "You're hot. "Give me your number and let's get together." I throw this at a hot girl, and she's so impressed that I'm literally throwing around a Benjamin that she wants to hook up with me. Yeah. Good luck with that. - I'm gonna go find Dana. - All right, man. Oh, no. Oh, God. Excuse me. Excuse me. Watch out. Coming through. (DANCE SONG PLAYING) So, I was thinking about what we were talking about, you know, before. - Yeah. Yeah, I remember. - Right. So I was thinking, why wait? Right? I mean, you might as well, you know, get it over with. What? Like, here? At the dance? Well, there's always the library. - Yeah, the library. - I'm kidding. - Yeah. I know. - But seriously, after the dance, I don't know if you... - What are you doing? - Looking for my money. - C-note thing? - Yeah. - Lose your money? - Shut up. Ooh. And we're back. What's up, dude? Where's Heidi? I don't know. - She was here a second ago. - Maybe she went to the bathroom. - Yeah, maybe. - Dana's pissed at me. Dude, you gotta play along with this whole pledge thing. Well, that's easy for you to say. You haven't exactly broken the seal yet, either. Dude, I've been getting to third base on a regular basis. I can't go back to jacking off now. Dude, just use your left hand. It feels completely different. - I'm gonna go find Heidi. - I'm gonna go find Dana. BOY: (LAUGHS) No! Dude, you're gonna make me hurl. Heidi? LUBE: No, no, no, no! Wait. Dude, yo. (LAUGHS) Sluts. (FARTING) What the hell? (LUBE GRUNTS) Relax, dude. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Get off me, you freak! Hey, a hundred bucks! What are you doing? Rob? You said... Rob! (EXCLAIMS) Dude, nice cock block. (SHRIEKS) I'm on fire. - I'm on fire. - Oh, my God. There's a fire. There's a fire, and it's on me. Oh, my God. HEIDl: Rob! Rob! Put it out. Take off your pants! Take off... Take your pants off! Oh, God! (SHRIEKS) Come on! (SHRIEKS) Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hurry, Rob, come on. Get it out! Get it out! (FIRE ALARM RINGING) (SHRIEKS) Oh, God. What the hell is going on in here? Two months seems like an awfully long time for Saturday detention. We're supposed to clean up the library. Do you guys know where the vacuum is? Nope. What were you doing in the library anyway? I wasn't doing anything. Heidi was already in there. - I was just looking for her. - I heard she was blowing some dude. Cody! Well, I don't know how you're gonna go on the school ski trip if you're still on detention. Mom, I don't see what that has to do with it. I didn't do anything. I heard you were the fluffer. - Cody. - Look. His lips are chapped. (EXCLAIMS) Well, we'll see. All right. I have to go get ready. Maybe it's in the garage. Rob? I wanna have a little chat with you. Do we have to? Honey, I know that you're growing older, and I don't know what your father has told you about things, but I think it's important to discuss everything, you know? Like about sex. - Are you having sex? - Mom, I don't wanna talk about this. No, well, it's just that I found this sock in the laundry, and, well... Oh, God, Mom. Put that away. And, also, somebody sent me a link to this video. ROB: No, no, no, Frizzy! No. - Mom, just turn it off! - I don't know how! Your brother made it my start-up screen. - Okay, I can... I can fix that. - You can? Great. - Yeah. - Thanks. - No, no, no, Frizzy! No! - Thank you for that. - Okay. - And we're done. Right? Yeah. Well, honey, please. There's no reason to be ashamed. Masturbation is perfectly natural. I mean, boys your age are maybe into experimentation and trying new things with animals. I mean, Frizzy, she's been in our family for... Since she was a puppy... (STAMMERS) Hey, I'm late. - You're tardy. - Sorry. You can start by cleaning off all the damaged books and separating the ruined ones. I'll be checking on you. Heidi. Look, about last night... I don't wanna talk about it. - Well, I just wanted to tell you... - Rob. I'm gonna go empty this bucket. Do you have any idea what I found here? - This is the bible. - I thought that was an urban legend. No. This is real. This goes back decades. Okay. So what? This is exactly what we need to finally get laid. How is this thing gonna help us get laid? It's ruined. You can't even read most of it. This book has helped one lucky guy each year at Great Falls. And this year, that lucky guy is us. Even with the damage, it still has a ton of useful stuff. Check this out. "February 1st, 1977. The G-spot." - I can dig it. - LUBE: What else you got? "1991. How to shave your pubes to make your dick look bigger." Dad showed me that one. "2003. I just had the most amazing sexual experience." Something I can't read. "She used a breath mint." A breath mint? For what? You moron. You stick it up your tailpipe and the minty-ness makes your asshole twitch. Everyone knows that. Dude, I don't know. This sounds pretty weak. Plus, I mean, we can find most of this stuff on the internet anyway. No, this is different. This has personal experiences. Plus, it's custom-tailored to Great Falls girls. Since when does punani have a zip code? What have we got to lose? Nathan, you've been working on Dana for, what? Like six months? Only to find out that she loves the Lord more than sex? And, Lube, how have all your schemes to get laid been working out so far? Minus $100. Exactly, and me, well, I've been wasting all my time on some fantasy that someday Heidi's gonna fall madly in love with me. Face it, guys, we need help. And this is it, staring us right in the face. - I'm in. - All right. I'm in. - Yeah. - Yes. (ALL WHOOPING) - Yeah! - Yeah! Hey, easy. Guys, it's old. "May 1st, 1990. "The simplest way into a girl's pants is still basic flattery." That's it? Just flatter her? - That's it. - Well, think about it. How many times do you actually do it? Walk up to a girl and say, "Wow, you have beautiful eyes." Like, never. It's telling us the only proven way to get women is to be an asshole, 'cause the guys that actually spew that kind of crap get laid. Check it out. Twelve o'clock. (NATHAN EXCLAIMS) (CHATTERING) (WHISTLES) - All right. Let's put this bible to a test. - Yes. - You go talk to her. - I'm not trying it out on Ashley. Why don't you go talk to her, 'cause you're the one who likes her? - I'm eating. - Okay. I'll do it. Hey, Ashley. Hey, Rob. Shopping for your girlfriend? No... This is... It's for my mom. She's dating again. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Well, you know, I... Actually, I wanted to say, you know, you have the most gorgeous teeth. Hey. Come with me. Jealous? He's making a move on your lady friend. Unlike you, I don't mind sharing my women. (LAUGHS) And what are you wankers up to today? - (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Cheerio. - (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Hello, love. Word to your mumsie. Just waiting for some ladies to join us, in fact. You nancy boys couldn't get laid at a Jonas Brothers concert with a fistful of backstage passes. Cheerio. (IN NORMAL ACCENT) Was that a slam? (IN NORMAL ACCENT) You bet your bollocks. - Hold this. - Yeah. How does this look? Great, I'll take it. Stand up. Wait, what... What's... Wait, hold... Hold on. Oh. (GROANS) (GASPING) Should I call you? Just walk out of the store and meet me at the food court. Act natural. (INAUDIBLE) Can I help you? No. No. I'm... I'm just browsing. Okay, then. - Have a nice day. - You, too. (ALARM SOUNDING) I'm sorry! I wasn't stealing. It was a... It was a prank. I am so sorry. I think we left the tags on your garments. Please come back to the register. We'll figure this out. I'm so embarrassed. Oh, my God. Sorry, I... I got excited. (CLEARS THROAT) (WHISPERS) That'll be 149.90. - How much? - 149.90. But they're so small. - Madeleine? - It's my mom. I'm... I have a note. (LAUGHS) - Thank you. - Have a nice day. Come again. What took you so long? Did you get it? Sure did. I even stole you a bag so you don't have to touch it till you get home. Great. Thanks. Hey. What's up, Ashley? What are you pillow biters doing here? Stifler. Don't eat that. You're gonna get fat. I'm super horny. Wanna suck me off in the Sharper lmage? Okay. (GIGGLING) (CHURCH ORGAN PLAYING) (WHISPERING) Dana. Excuse me. I'm so sorry. Didn't mean to disrupt the... This morning's mass. (WHISPERING) What are you doing here? I wanted to say I'm sorry. Did you really think that this is the best time to discuss this? Well, you weren't answering any of my texts. (SHUSHING) - I'll be right back, okay? - (WHISPERING) Okay. PRIEST ON PA: What is faith? When you flip the light switch in your kitchen, you know that the light will turn on. Some might call that faith, but I tell you, that is not the real faith. Okay, so what is so important that you needed to come and interrupt church? I don't really get why you're so mad at me right now. Because you don't respect me. This is all just a big joke to you. You know what? You're right, because this is just another phase for you. Just like your little stint on yearbook. You stuck with that for, what, two weeks before you got bored with it? Why is it so hard for you to believe that I wanna (ON PA) wait until marriage? NATHAN ON PA: Because you slept with Doug Wheeler and Scott Thompson on the same night. DANA: That doesn't count. I was drunk. (WHISPERING) Is that Dana? As soon as you get bored with this whole pledge thing, you're just gonna jump right back in the saddle again. And when you get to college, don't even tell me that you won't be experimenting with the standard lesbian hookups, having three-ways, trying anal. (ALL GASPING) - Yeah. - Yeah. That's what I'm talking... (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Fine. Just relax. - Do something! - PRIEST: Faith is... - She's your daughter. - Go! PRIEST: Faith is the rock-solid... DANA: You don't think I'm committed to this? My parents waited until marriage. NATHAN: (LAUGHS) My dad went to high school with your mom. He said she blew the whole football team and had to have her stomach pumped. (ALL GASPING) DANA: Don't be gross, okay? Plus, your dad was a Beta. Those guys are notorious poon slayers. Fuck it! This is bullshit! (PEOPLE MUTTERING) You know you want this. Did we miss communion? (STUDENTS CHEERING) COMMENTATOR 1 ON PA: Been a rough go for the East Great Falls Blazers in this game... CHEERLEADERS: Go, Blazers! ... which is surprising, since this is the last home game of the season. You'd think they'd really pump up the power there. Look at him! Watch that guy! Watch that guy! Even though it's close to a tie, we were hoping for better defence from the... Oh, my gosh, wait. So, what did your dad say? He said if he ever sees Nathan within 100 feet of me, he's gonna castrate him with a rusty Garden Weasel. Oh, no. So what? Is it over between you guys or what? I don't know. Well, if you ever want to try a mnage, you're welcome to join Richard and me. - No. - No. COMMENTATOR 1: Please don't say "young boy" around Coach Daly. COMMENTATOR 2 ON PA: Yeah, out here he's... - What about you, missy? - What? How's your sex life? You guys, I'm gonna go through with it. I am. I am. You're so boring. I would've thought you'd be fielding offers after your striptease in the library. Yeah, I'm... I'm still just waiting for the right time. CHEERLEADERS: Blue and white, let's go, fight, win. Let's go, fight, win. Blue and white, let's go, fight, win. Blazers! Fight, win. Blue and white, let's go, fight, win. (CAMERA CLICKING) I think that is quite enough pictures of the cheerleaders. How about we get some of the game? (CAMERA CLICKING) (GRUNTS) As you were. Douche bag. CHEERLEADERS: Blue and white... COMMENTATOR 1: Shearson's bringing the ball up court. He passes it off to Scott Stifler. (STUDENTS EXCLAIM) Central takes a charge from Shearson. Time out, Blazers. What are we gonna do now, Bill? COMMENTATOR 2: Ten seconds in the game. I think these guys really need to get their act... Get your head in the game, doggy style. You can finish your wet dream later. - I'm sorry. - This is it for this game. Hey, Scott? Can I talk to you for a sec? - Are you nuts? I'm in the middle of a game. - Last home game of the season. (GIGGLES) Really gotta get their act together. (WHISTLE BLOWS) Tie game, 89 all, 3.9 seconds left. Let's see what's gonna happen here. - Central's got the ball. - CHEERLEADERS: Go, Blazers! They have the advantage. Looks like... Double screen! Shearson gets the ball. He passes it to Scott Stifler. It's good! It's in! (BUZZER BUZZING) The game's over. 91-89 for East Great Falls Blazers. This is incredible, folks! This means we're going on to the playoffs! Unbelievable! It's exciting. What a chain of events that has occurred here today! (KNOCKING AT DOOR) Honey, I need to talk to you. Yeah, sure. Is... Is that a Bible? What? No. No, it's... Well, honey, it's okay to read the Bible. I mean, gosh, you act like I caught you reading pornography. (FORCED LAUGH) What did you wanna talk about? Well, I just got my credit card statement and... And here on your card there's a charge here for a lingerie store. Yeah, I'm... I'm gonna pay you back for that, Mom. Is there a girl you're seeing? No. Mom, it's complicated. - Did you buy something for yourself? - No! Because it's a very normal area of exploration. My book says that most fetishes are not homosexual in nature, and, well, you know, boys, they tend to... Yes, Mom, that's it. You figured it out. I love wearing women's underwear. Thongs, G-strings, a little teddy now and then. It's so soft and silky smooth. The frillier the better. Sexy. Oh, God! Come on. Gotcha. (HUMMING) (HISSING) So it was for a girl. Yeah, Mom. Great. So, you know that thing you told me before the dance? Yeah. Right, well, I was thinking about that conversation. So, what about it? I was just thinking, you know, maybe you should wait. I know. You know, I've thought about it, too, but I still feel like I'm making this whole thing into, like, this huge deal. I mean, it's consuming my every thought. (SIGHS) I don't know, Rob. I still feel like it's best if I just get it over with. Yeah. I can see that. ROB ON PHONE: You figured it out. I love wearing women's underwear. Thongs, G-strings, a little teddy now and then. It's so soft and silky smooth. The frillier the better. What is up with this crap, butt nugget? That was taken completely out of context. All right? I was being facetious. That means he wasn't being serious. I know what facetious means, dick face. Are you trying to repel all the pussy in school? - No... - Tick tock, doggy boy. You cock is on the clock. Excuse me. Take notes. - Hey, lmogen. - Stifler. The word for the day is "legs." So? So, why don't we go back to my place and spread the word? Well, how about you save your breath? You're gonna need it to inflate your date later. Gentlemen, it is time we got laid. Really? And what is it we've been trying to do all this time? No, no. We need to get laid. Right here. September 9th, 1995. Can you give us the executive summary? No, not that. This. LUBE: We are going on a road trip. How long do you intend on staying in Canada? Just a couple of hours. What's the nature of your visit? We've driven many miles in search of vertical smiles. (BOYS LAUGHING) We use kilometres here. Then we've driven many clicks to wet our dicks? LUBE: Yes! ROB: Yeah! - That works, right? - Bye-bye. (LAUGHS) Fucking Americans. (BOYS CHEERING) You know, the exchange rate on the dollar is really gonna help us out. Yeah. Okay, up ahead, turn right. - You sure? - Yes. Turn right. Okay, boys. Let's do this. Are you sure this is a good idea? Come on, you pussy. Let's get laid. The bible says to ask for Monique. (SPEAKING FRENCH) Hi. Are you Monique? (IN FRENCH ACCENT) No, moi, no, no, no. Mais, Monique, she is inside. Come. Come, boys. (SPEAKING FRENCH) (POP SONG PLAYING) Boys, entrez chez nous. C'est magnifique, no? I will get Monique. She will be so happy to see you. In the meantime, make yourselves at home. (EXCLAIMS) Jesus, tits. We came to the right place. Is that a moose? Condom? Why, thank you. Gentlemen. Thank you. Very much. Thank you. LUBE: Can't wait to see Monique. (DOOR OPENING) (ALL GASP) (STAMMERING) We're here to see Monique. (SPEAKING FRENCH) (IN FRENCH ACCENT) I am Monique. Well, that's... That's okay. Come, come. I make you a nice drink. (BONE CRACKS) (GRUNTING) Could you just give us just one minute? Okay. Let's go. (STAMMERING) Let's just talk about this for a second here. - Yeah, I mean, it can't be that bad, right? - Are you insane? Listen, I put a lot of mileage on my mom's minivan coming all the way up here. The bible says she's got a lot of experience. - This could be very educational for all of us. - Really? - He's up. - No, no. Why am I first? NATHAN: It was your idea. Don't... Don't insult Monique. She has an entire chapter in the bible. Come on, you're going to have a nice time. LUBE: (LAUGHS) You two crazy kids have fun. (WOMAN SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING FRENCH) And welcome. So... So, how does this work? Am I supposed to pay you? No, no, no. Not yet. (SPEAKING FRENCH) (LAUGHS) I see. (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (UNZIPPING PANTS) (MOANING) (MOANING) You've got one active imagination, boy. (GASPS) How long was I out? Only about eight seconds that time. (SPEAKING FRENCH) (BONE CRACKING) (GROANS) No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. No. No, no, no. Yes. Yes. (MOANING) (ROB MOANING LOUDLY) ROB: Monique! That's really nice. (CLACKING) ROB: That's it. I'm so sorry. I usually last a lot longer. Hey. Hey, was I supposed to tap you on the shoulder or something? Oh, no. No. Help! Help! Help, help, help! NATHAN: Go, go, go! Go! LUBE: I'm coming! - Jesus. Dude. - Oh, God! What, do you need an audience? No, no. Wait, guys. I think she's dead! Excuse me? Oh, my God. This is not good. I can't get her off. I think she had a heart attack. Help! She's got lockjaw. Get her off of me! - Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - It's lockjaw. Lockjaw! Lockjaw, lockjaw, lockjaw, lockjaw, lockjaw! - Okay. - Get her off! (ALL CLAMOURING) I'm sorry! (SCREAMING) Phone. Phone. Wait. Clear! Shit. What am I doing? Clear, clear! (SCREAMING) Okay. Come down here. Grab her legs. One, two, three. Forget it. It's totally screwed up. Oh, God. (DOOR OPENING) (MAN SPEAKING FRENCH) What you do to maman? (SHRIEKS) (BOYS SCREAMING) (CRYING) Maman! You killed maman! You killed maman! (ROARING) Fucking Americans! Come back here. I'll kill you! I'll kill you, you cowards! ROB: I killed her. I killed her with my sperm! Hey, man, when it's your time to go, it's your time to go. She led a full life. How do you know that? Man, what do you want me to say? You're the one that murdered her! I can't believe that was the woman the bible said we should have sex with. Right here. "September 9th, 1995." Let me see that. No. No, that's a seven! That's 1975. It's from the '70s. - I thought it was a nine. - NATHAN: Shut up! Shut up! - I didn't do anything! - Shut up! Just shut up! I wanna go home. I don't wanna be here. (THUDS) Oh, my God! I just hit a squirrel. LUBE: Well, that went well. ROB: Guys, I think it's time we try my interpretation. Look, Nathan, you've been trying to convince Dana to sleep with you, instead of just listening to her. Right, you know? Trying to see things from her point of view? Showing just... Just a little respect. And you, you're still trying to trick women into sleeping with you, instead of just being honest. And you're still too much of a pussy to tell Heidi you're into her. You going to Stifler's house tonight? Yeah. I'll probably go with Dana. So any luck losing that thing you were trying to get rid of? - Rob. - I'm just asking. Maybe you should mind your own business. What's with you today? I wanna tell you something that I've been wanting to say for a long time. Okay. I really like you. I really like you, too. No, not like that. I really like you. Oh. - Rob... - I think you're great. You have a great personality. I laugh at all your jokes. You're pretty. Oh, God, you're pretty. You even smell great. I don't know. I'm just... I'm happy when I'm around you. Now, I don't know if you feel the same way, but if you do... Let's not waste any more time. Right? Let's just see where our feelings take us. I feel the same way. - You do? - Yes. This is great. Why didn't you say something? Why didn't you? (LAUGHING) (CELL PHONE BUZZING) It's about that time, so I gotta go. But I'll see you tonight? Yes. - DANA: Dad? - Mmm-hmm? There she is. (GASPING) They saw me! Get down! Get down! - Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. - Drive. Drive. It's cool. It's cool. Nathan, look, I've been thinking. Maybe I've been too hard on you. You have? You obviously love my daughter, and you two should be together. - We should? - Absolutely. Honey, it is not right to give a man blue balls. If you want boys to like you, you gotta put out. Here, start with Nathan's friend. This is so not cool. I mean, fantasising about your best friend's girlfriend? (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! - Dad! Stop! Stop. - Fucknut! (ALL CHEERING) All right, girls. - Party looks good. - Yeah. Uh-huh. All right, listen to me. Stay focused. Be honest, show respect and just say whatever's on your mind. Stop, jerk. I can't even get near Dana. She'll be here. She's coming with Heidi. Just try and think of things from her point of view. Yeah, and I might as well just crack the Da Vinci Code while I'm at it. Just get her some frankincense and myrrh. That's a great idea. I'll just pick up some roofies for you while I'm out. You need a prescription for that, from what I hear. Lube, pay attention. This applies to you, too. All right. Let's try to go in there and just be real. All right, Oprah. (POP MUSIC PLAYING) (BOY EXCLAIMING) So, here is my sister getting undressed. And this one is my cousin in the shower. She's hot, huh? And this one is my grandma masturbating. Yeah? I love Grandma's work. (LAUGHING) So, anyway, every time I'm in the hardware store and I pass by the stud-finder station, they always go off. (MOCK LAUGHING) (WHOOPING) (GIRLS EXCLAIMING) Fuck! (SHUDDERING) (RETCHING) Hey. Isn't that that chick from Central? Yeah. Hey, Stifler. Oh, hey, there... Katie. Katie, right. I knew that. Just having some fun with you. Can I talk to you for a second, like, in private? Yeah, sure, you know what? Let me just grab another beer and I'll be right back with you. Don't you flake on me. Dude, you been working out? Didn't think so. You two, stay amazing. My God. (GIGGLES) Hey, what's up, beautiful? You know, I got so drunk last weekend that I nailed my cock to a table, then set it on fire. Wanna check it out? The table or your cock? God, I love that accent. Could you do me a favour and just say, "Spank me, Stifler. Spank me wee little bum." How did you know I like to be spanked? (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Awesome! So where's this boyfriend Richard you keep talking about non-stop all the time? He doesn't attend high-school parties. Sounds like you might be in the market for some home-grown American beef. Sorry, I'm vegan. Cheers. What if I use a cucumber? Jackie, Sarah, and Krissi with an "I," here's how the game works. Every time you get a question wrong, you get to pop your top. - Hey, I've played this game before. - Krissi, do you believe that new drugs should be tested on Animal Crackers? Absolutely not. Wait... (IMITATING GAME SHOW BUZZER) Poppy toppy! If only you listened better. All right, boys. Tonight's the night. Wish me luck. Good luck, buddy. Good luck, dude. Tonight, you become a man. That's it. Tonight, I'm getting laid! - Yeah, buddy! Yes! - Yeah, buddy. - Yes! - Right here. Just give it to her nice and slow at first. Then speed her up. Dana! Dana! Yeah! (WHOOPS) Sarah, have you ever made out with a thespian? - What? - Sorry. (GIRLS LAUGHING) - I can't find Heidi anywhere. - Maybe she didn't come. No, no. Her car is outside. How you making out? Check it out. Don't you think maybe Ashley's just a little bit out of your league? I don't know. I'm just saying, you know, you've been at it for years. Maybe it's just not in the cards for you. I'm a man of refinement. Why settle for a six when you can get a perfect 10? Okay, whatever you say, man. Good luck. Right. I'm gonna do it. Hey, what's up, Ashley? Hey, Lube. You want a beer? Got a beer. Right. So... You obviously know that I'm, like, totally into you. Right? Yeah. I've seen the shrine. (LAUGHS) All right. Okay, so I'm just gonna be honest with you. I'm just gonna lay it out on the line. No tricks, no hidden agenda at all. I happen to be a sensitive and expert lover. (GIRLS LAUGHING) I can guarantee that I will satisfy you in every way possible, and I shall not stop until I'm certain that you are completely happy with my endeavours. Okay. (SIGHS) Look, that was a really interesting speech, and I don't really wanna embarrass you in front of everyone, but... But it's not gonna happen. I mean, I think that you're, like, really super cool, and you're really funny in class and everything, but I don't wanna have sex with you. Okay? Yeah, yeah. Sure. Okay. - So are we cool? - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, I'm gonna go get another beer. Do you want one? No, no. I'm... I'm good. I'm good. - Hey. - Hey. (CLEARS THROAT) What you said just now? Yeah? Was that true? Guaranteed satisfaction and you won't stop until a girl is completely satisfied? Yeah. All right. Well, what the hell. Meet me upstairs in the first bedroom to the left. (LAUGHS) NATHAN: The truth is, yes, I was trying to pressure you, because I really, really wanna have sex. But I really wanna have sex with you. And, also, I mean, with us, hooking up has always been about me. I wanna forget myself for once and try to make you feel good for a change. Like, maybe try and make you feel the way that you make me feel. So Stifler tells me you're a foreign exchange student. Ja, ja. My cousin, Nadia, was student here at East Great Falls 10 years ago. Not Nadia, Nadia. Ja, ja. You mean the Nadia? The legendarily hot... I mean, really academically gifted Nadia? Ja, ja. Well, how do I know for sure? (GASPING) You are Nadia's cousin. Oh! (PHONE BEEPS) Oh. You shouldn't... You shouldn't... It's my phone. Don't read my phone. What's this supposed to mean? "Give her a dose of manthrax"? Well, I don't... What does that... I don't know what that... Do you know what that means? "I'm getting laid"? You're advertising this before it even happens? - No. - Wow. You must be some special kind of asshole. No. No, no, no! No. I didn't... It was... (GRUNTS ANGRILY) Later, loser. Faster. Okay. Now, slower. Yes, yes. Slower. Tickle the bunny. Yes, yes. Oh, God, the man in the boat is out. Paddle, paddle, do the alphabet. Swirl. Back to the bunny. That's it. Okay. Now, more to the left. More to the left! - My left or your left? - My left, my left, my left! All right. Hey, have you seen Heidi? Thanks. Hey, Rob. Heidi? Hey, doggy style. I told you, you snooze, you lose. So unless you want mop-up duty, close the door, pervert. (STIFLER GIGGLES) STIFLER: Hey, where are you going? This was a horrible idea. Rob? Excuse me. Excuse me. Rob. Rob. - Go away. - I didn't. I... I don't wanna see your face right now. Rob. (GASPING) (LAUGHS) Whoa, whoa. What are you doing? What happened to forgetting about yourself and making me feel good? But I thought I just... What? You thought that what, Nathan? That you could just pretend that you cared about my feelings and my pledge and then just go and try again when my guard was down? No. You don't get it. I... No. No, you're the one that's not gonna get it. Dude, you need to slow down. Yeah, seriously. Let's just go home. You, sir... You, sir, were right about the bible. Because assholes get laid! (BOYS CHEERING) Yes. No. No, no, dude. You were right. - There's something to it. - What are you talking about? We tried the nice guy thing and I believe we're all still virgins. Well, the nice guy vibe got me past the bouncer, man. Hey. Well, gentlemen, you failed, and the proof, as they say, is in the Jell-o. So I will see you later, nice guys. - Hey. - Hey. I know you want me. I'm gonna let you take me upstairs and do me right now. - Really? - Yeah. Kiss me. STIFLER: Y'all ready for some pain? Hey, ladies. (GIRLS SCREAMING) GIRL: Oh, my God. STIFLER: Oh, my God! Look at those taters! Do me from behind. What? I thought you liked it doggy style. ROB: Huh? What are you doing back there? Let's go. You're not putting your dick in that, are you? (SCREAMS) Are you kidding me? Gross. (THUDS) (GROANS) Here. This'll help. Thanks. Honey, I know that I can't stop you from doing certain things, but I can insist that you are safe. Did you drink and drive? No. John Costello drove me home. Well, I want you to know that if you find yourself in any carnal situation, that you... You will use protection. What do you mean by carnal? This. (GROANS) GIRL: Are you kidding me? Gross. Is there no such thing as privacy any more? I will tell your father that you're just not up to seeing him today. You're not feeling well. Thanks. How was she? - How was who? - Vomit girl. How do you know about that? Who do you think is forwarding all those videos to Mom? ROB: I'm ready to give up. I thought I had the answers. It's too bad that 99% of the bible's completely unreadable. That's it. We need to reconstruct the bible. Why? The secrets are in there. I mean, there's no one single answer to getting laid. Right? We need the whole book to understand. Probably has a lot of crap in there that we need to know, too, like positions, techniques, angle of insertion. Exactly. That's what the bible was created for, to help guys like us. And we owe it to the others. I ruined the bible. I owe it to future generations to restore its wisdom. Dude, I'm all for it, but how? Where do we start? From the beginning. LUBE: This must be the guy who created the bible. (RINGING) Hello? ROB: Hi. May I speak to Noah Levenstein, please? Speaking. Are you the one who created the bible? No, that would be God. No, no, no. Hold on. I'm referring to the bible. I'm calling from East Great Falls High School. NOAH: It was the summer of my junior year, 1969, and my buddies and I, we take this trip to Amsterdam, where we run into a group of semi-attractive Dutch nymphos who were willing to trade their bodies for a handful of Jimi Hendrix LPs. Well, needless to say, we had ourselves one super weekend with those gals, sexually speaking, if you get my drift. But the sad news was, we had no idea what we were doing. We had no technique. And then one day, we were out sight-seeing, and we run into this Dutch hooker in the red-light district, and she tells us about this book. It was a sex manual, evidently written in the 19th century by some priest. Well, we read that thing cover to cover, and then when we got back to East Great Falls, I had the bright idea to write my own book and add my own observations and experiences and advice and leave it in the library for some other hapless virgin in the class below us. But I had no idea it had been passed down for 40 years. Your book is a legend, Mr Levenstein. Do you have it here? Yeah. May I see it? Oh. Oh, my. Boys. This is a real piece of history here. What happened to it? Well, that's why we're here. The bible kinda got ruined, so we wanna call everyone on the list and try to reconstruct it. Oh. Well, I think you boys might need some help. Well, girls have the advantage, because girls talk to each other, and don't kid yourself, they talk about the penis. Penis size, penis shape, the angle of the bend. Whether it winks at you. They talk. Now, to really make love to a woman, you gotta really care about her. But... Hey, sex is great, but sex with someone you love? That's awesome. Dude, that is so profound. Telling you. Yeah, definitely gets lonely on the road. Sure, I made love to all kinds of different food groups. Did you ever try making love to a peanut-butter sandwich? Nothing comes close. What? Well, maybe a deboned ham hock, but that takes a whole lot of prep. Bend your knees. Next time you spank it, sit Indian-style. You won't come, not in a million years. MAN: Our sex organs are like musical instruments. Sure, you can have any technician blow on your horn, but to place your instrument into the hands of a true expert? That, my young friend, is true harmony. NOAH: Guys don't talk to each other because they view each other as competitors, which I think is crazy. You know? Because men need to help each other and work together to get laid. NO AH: Noah Levenstein, class of '70. ROB: Pete Sambrelli? NO AH: That's right, the Noah Levenstein. ROB: Do you have a number for him? Hi. This is regarding his advice on the lubricants. We found the tongue tornado in Regina. (BOYS CHEERING) You said bros befo' hos. Isn't that what you said? Bros befo' hos. And then you screwed my girlfriend. Well, so did the entire glee club, Carlito. What's your point? I married her, you asshole! - Noah Levenstein. - Janice? Jessica. Well, congratulations! Who didn't see that coming? Look at the time. Gotta go. It's all about chemistry, and confidence is the key. MAN: R-E-S-P-E-C-T, you've heard that song, right? Boys, we got another confirmation. MAN: You gotta treat your lady right. You've got to be gentle, kind and respectful to the one you love. - Who are you talking to? - Shut the fuck up. This is how you get her really excited. Stick your finger in her ass. Trust me. Was that two fingers or one? LUBE: I'm sorry. Confidential matter. NOAH: Phone, phone. Okay. LUBE: Then what happened? Hello. Yeah. Class of '77. Yeah, hold on. Let me get a pen. Pete O'Donnell, please. Who is this? Mr O'Donnell, this is Marshall Lubetski. I just wanted to talk to you about what you wrote in the bible. You know, about having anal sex with Miss Johnson. (ALL CLAMOURING) ...very much! Mark S. (ALL CHEERING) This is not a sex manual. It is a life manual. Now, I've been married for 35 years and not just because I'm this handsome dude who knows how to satisfy a woman. I've been married 35 years because I love my wife and I respect my wife. And whether it's Amsterdam or East Great Falls, it all comes down to this. If you're honest and treat a girl with respect, then whatever happens is meant to happen, because it's all perfectly natural. Boys, I've prepared you for this quest. And before you lies the biggest test of your lives. This book is a powerful weapon, so use it for good, not evil. Yes. (SIGHS) (DOOR CLOSING) ROB: You still looking for the vacuum? No. I found it in Cody's room. So strange. I mean, I just don't remember leaving it there. (LAUGHS) Losing my mind, clearly. Hey, Mom, can I go on the ski trip? Yes. But no drinking, and if you do drink, no driving. Don't worry. If I do anything wrong, I'm sure it'll end up on YouTube, so... Call you when I get there. (CHATTERING) (ALL WHOOPING) Drinking round! - Deal me in. - What are you doing here? Katie. I know. But what are you doing here? - I wanna play. - Right. Just deal her in, Stifler. What's the big deal? AMY: Yeah, deal her in. Hi, Nathan. Thanks for the flowers. I'm sorry about being a jerk. And, for the record, I've learned my lesson. I'm ready to respect you and support you on your pledge. Really? But why? I'm in this for you. I'm not in it just to have sex. Well, I realised that I'm in this for you, and if the pledge gets in the way of that, then how good can it really be? Sounds like a good basis for the two of us to just relax and see what happens. Look. I bought a book. I was thinking that we could start on page one and then see how far we get this weekend. The first three chapters are foreplay. Wow. You know, I've actually been reading a book, as well. Have you ever heard of the tongue tornado? Okay, let's go. This is supposed to be fun. This isn't fun. Just you wait. You possess wisdom now. Trust in the book. I mean, what does that mean, anyway? Do you think I'm too clingy? No. No, of course not. Do you even know how to play poker? KATIE: I know the game. And I tell you what, if I lose, I'll take off all my clothes. (ALL EXCLAIMING) AMY: Snap. ASHLEY: Nice. And if I lose? You apologise to me. - For what? Blowing you off? - KATIE: Yes. If it's not enough, it was my first time. I deserve better. (GASPS) But if I win, not only do you apologise to me, you gotta run through the snow naked. (ALL CHEERING) - Yeah. - It's a deal. Start stripping, sweetheart. It's not over yet. Feeling lucky? You better hope for a five on the river, baby. ASHLEY: She got the five! Unbelievable. (SCREAMING) Oh, my God. - Strip. - Hold on a second. - Strip. - Strip. ALL: (CHANTING) Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip! You want me to strip? You want some of this? It's time to get it going, baby! (ALL CHEERING) All right, let's go! Here we go, baby. STIFLER: Wait, let's talk this over. Shit. It's freezing out here. Now apologise. - I'm sorry. - For what? I'm sorry for not calling you afterwards. And what else? I'm sorry for being a dick, okay? Now, open the stinking door. GIRLS: Oh! (EXCLAIMING) Open the door! Now, tell everyone how you cry like a little girl after you come. I cry like a girl after I come, okay? It's a very intense experience for me. (MOOSE BELLOWING) Call 911. (SCREAMING) (SNORTING) (GRUNTING) (SCREECHING) Lube, get the rifle. (DANA SCREAMING) Oh, my God! - Was that a moose? - Was that the tongue tornado? (DANA SIGHING) Go get 'em. Hey, I'll meet you at the lodge later. Yeah, yeah, sure. Go. ROB: Heidi. Wait up. Do you mind if I ride up with you? Okay. Hey. What's up? We... We're in the same gondola. Yeah, look at that. (GROANING) Oh, God. I didn't sleep with Stifler. Yeah. I heard. - But you still hate me? - No. No. Why would you say that? You haven't said a word to me since that night. I know. I'm sorry. I guess I just... I needed time to work through my feelings. And? What did you decide? Gibbs says that Stifler has to sit on a foam rubber doughnut for six weeks. And he says they're talking about amputating his feet from frostbite. Gibbs is a liar. Stifler doesn't need amputation. That's too bad. I got an A in Shop. (SNORTS) Oh, my. Was that a snort? Come to gloat? No. Just looking for a fag. Just 'cause I took a moose pickle up my ass doesn't mean I'm gay. Very funny. How's your bum? Feels like I gave birth to a mayonnaise jar, but thanks for asking. Hey, I heard about your boyfriend. That really sucks. Yeah. I thought only high school boys were jerks. It turns out they never outgrow it. Imogen, no offence, and you're the most mature girl I know, but a 24-year-old dude isn't gonna take a high-school girl seriously. I suppose not. You wanna sit down? What for? I just thought we could both use a friend right now. Stifler. My bad. Reflex. (LAUGHS) ROB: I'm sorry. You have to make your own decisions. You know, I just... I thought we had something. We did. We do. I was scared. Of what? I really like you. And I want it to be special. I guess I just wanted to be ready. So you almost had sex with Stifler so you'd be ready for me. Yeah. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Well, I heard you got some practise. You know, the truth is, is nothing happened. I didn't want it to be random like that. And... I couldn't picture my first time being with anybody else but you. What was that? I don't know. - Looks like we're stuck. - Yeah. You know, we could be up here for a while. Yeah. LUBE: Hey, can I ask you a question? Yeah, sure. Whatever. Why do you hook up with assholes like Scott Stifler anyway? Excuse me, but you don't know me. (SCOFFS) You know, you're just the same as all the rest. I'm just some sort of trophy to you. You don't care about me. You just wanna sleep with me, because you think it's some sort of status symbol. Sorry. (ASHLEY SIGHS) God. How long are we gonna be up here? I'll get help. ASHLEY: What are you doing? It's not that far down, and there's, like, 20 feet of snow. What, is this supposed to impress me? The thought had crossed my mind. Absolutely not. First of all, it's just wrong. Second of all, you're not even supposed to touch the door. And third, it's just really dangerous, okay? So just get away from there. Right. What was I thinking? Whoa! (ASHLEY SCREAMING) Are you okay? I think I hurt my leg. (SIGHS) Idiot. Are you okay? Are you crazy? Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. No, I'm fine. I'm fine. About what you said about how I don't care about you and you're just a trophy, that's actually not true. I really like you. We went to elementary school together. I remember when you sang Hey Ya! In the sixth-grade talent show. I remember when you fell off the pyramid at the homecoming game, freshman year. You were so embarrassed, but I didn't care. I just liked how you played it off like it was all part of the routine. I mean, yeah, sure, you're a super-hot babe, but I actually like you for you. Look, this may be a shock to you, but I have no idea what I'm doing with girls. But I really wanna learn. You just give me a chance. That's all I'm asking. And I guarantee that I will make it my life's mission to satisfy you in every way possible. - Let's go back to the... - To the cabin. Dude. You forgot to sign it. You sure we can't just keep it for one more year? No, guys, it's someone else's turn. ROB ON COMPUTER: This is my little brother, Cody, and this is what he does with the vacuum every day. No! Hey! No! COD Y: Help! It's stuck! I can't get it off! (COD Y GRO ANING) Help! Help! It's stuck. (LAUGHS) Gotcha. COD Y: Help! No! She was using me. I... That was really bad. Father, why hast Thou forsaken me? Wanna suck me off in the Sharper lmage? Rob, are you some kind of jive turkey? He's like an inch away from the real McCoy. Did you bring condoms? What? I wet the bed until I was 13 years old, okay? You nancy boys couldn't get lucky at a Jonas Brothers concert with a fistful of backstage passes. Faith in God and His promise of eternal life. Now, put the condom on the banana. Who didn't see that coming? Look at the time. Gotta go. I think that is quite enough pictures of the cheerleaders. How about we get some of the game? We're eating. (FARTS) You've been fucking Americans or... Watching, loving... Bear with me. If she's down, bring her flowers. If she's thirsty, serve her fine champagne. Yeah, 'cause, I'm telling you, my wife is pretty effing hot. I'm talking a tight, tight ass and squeaky clean. Is that cream-filled? You rock. Oh. Don't mention that, okay? And whenever it comes to making out, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.