Friend or Foe

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Friend or Foe" from season 5, which aired on April 13, 2007.

Plot
(at the Krusty Krab)

Mr. Krabs: Hmmm, something ain't right. (a birthday cake on a cart rolls in. The icing reads "Happy Birthday Krabs") For me?

Squidward: Don't you find this a tad suspicious?

Mr. Krabs: Suspicion doesn't hold a candle to birthday wishing. (about to blow out the candle when Plankton pops out from underneath the candle)

Plankton: Surprise! (takes out the candle and releases the balloons. The balloons pop and confetti goes everywhere. The light from the popping blinds the customers. Plankton's cart engages in its jet pack and launches itself into the kitchen. Plankton releases the bottom part of the cake onto the safe in the kitchen. The cake explodes and Plankton takes the formula and flies out of the kitchen)

Mr. Krabs: Me secret formula!

Plankton: Happy Birthday Krabs!

SpongeBob: Don't forget your condiments, Plankton. (squirts Plankton with ketchup & mustard)

Mr. Krabs: Attaboy, SpongeBob! (turns the ceiling fan on. Plankton's machine bounces off of it and breaks on the floor. SpongeBob snatches the secret formula with his tongue and swallows it)

SpongeBob: Safe.

Plankton: You'll rue the day we were born, Krabs. I'll be back. (gets his jet pack out but its upside down so he flies into the floor) Oh, barnacles. (everyone is groaning and moaning)

SpongeBob: Why, Mr Krabs? Why does he hate us so?

Mr. Krabs: You might as well blame me, SpongeBob. (sits on a barrel seat) There was a time when Plankton and I were best friends. (everyone gasps and runs up to hear the story)

SpongeBob: Best friends?

Mr. Krabs: Friends at birth, you might say. Even as wee ones. (flashback to Krabs and Plankton as babies)

Plankton: Goo! (Krabs laughs then puts Plankton on his crib mobile. Everyone aw's. Cut to birthday cake reading "Big Boys". Krabs sticks out his tongue to get Plankton to blow out the candles)

Mr. Krabs: Things were all peaches and creams. (Plankton blows out the candles then jumps in the cake. Cut to elementary school) Until we hit grade school. Hey, Planky, whatcha doing?

Plankton: Oh, just a little something I thought I'd try out. (a spitball hits Plankton in the back of his head. Classmates laugh) Idiots! I'll show you with science! This concoction is going to blow everyone away. (muffled explosion. Plankton's container blew up all over his table. Classmates laugh)

Classmate: How's this for a science experiment, Mr. Brainatron 5000? (uses Plankton as a spitball and spits him in Krabs' eye)

Plankton: They'll pay for this one day Eugene!

Mr. Krabs: Darn tootin'. Hey, barnacle brains, I think you owe Plankton an apology.

Classmate: You're right, Plankton, I'm sorry. Sorry you have to hang out with rag boy. (class laughs)

Classmate #2: Yeah. Where'd you do your clothes shopping? The trash can?

Mr. Krabs: 'Twas true. I did get me clothes from the trash. You see, when I was growing up, times were tough. Me mother had to fashion me clothes from rags. (flashback to Krabs' mother sewing up clothes)

Mama Krabs: There you go, son. Your outfit's all finished. It's a good thing Old Man Jenkins was kind enough to spare his last washcloth.

Old Man Jenkins: Oops. (rips off Mr. Krab's clothes and uses it as a rag to dry his boat) I missed a spot.

Mr. Krabs: Then one day, as Plankton and I were plotting our revenge, I met the love of me life. What in neptune's name is that? (picks up a penny off the ground) It's the most beautiful thing me eyes have ever seen! What is it?!

Plankton: It's money.

Mr. Krabs: Money?

Plankton: Yeah. You can buy things with it.

Mr. Krabs: Buy things? So, I spent it on a gift for me best pal Plankton. (Mr Krabs buys a balloon for Plankton but when he gives it to Plankton, Plankton flies up into the sky because of his weight)

All: Wow!

SpongeBob: Got your secret recipe, Mr. Krabs. You have no idea that went through to get here.

Mr. Krabs: I've got a pretty good idea, yeah. (shoves it away with a pencil)

Fish: So, if you guys were such great friends, what happened?

SpongeBob: Yeah, Mr. Krabs. What did happen next?

Squidward: Yeah. I really wanna know.

Mr. Krabs: Listen up, Squidward! Because this is where it gets juicy. It all started in a place called "Stinky Burgers". It was the only place to get a burger. Kids loved Stinky's. (all the kids are clamoring) And Stinky loved the kids.

Stinky: Now, what can I do for you young 'uns?

Classmate: Uh, Mr. Stinky? I'll have one Stinky Burger, please!

Fish #2: Me, too, Stinky!

Stinky: Oh, now, now, kids. There's plenty of burgers for everyone. (all the kids cheer)

Fish #3: That's why we like you so much, Stinky. You always deliver the goods.

Fish #4: We don't like Stinky, we respect him.

Stinky: Well, which one is it, kids? Do you like me or respect me?

Fish #3: Like!

Fish #4: Respect!

Fish #3: Like!

Fish #4: Respect!

Stinky: Ok, let's just meet in the middle and say you li-spect me. (all the kids cheer)

Mr. Krabs: Excuse us!

Plankton: Valuable customers coming through.

Fish #3: What are those dorks doing here?

Mr. Krabs: Two Stinky Burgers, please.

Stinky: Did your brains dribble out all over the sidewalk you slept on last night? If it's burgers you want, go around back.

All: Yeah, Stinky!

Classmate: Thanks for keeping the nerds out.

Classmate #2: You're the best, Stinky.

Stinky: Ok, that's enough, kids. Gather around, children. There's something I want to tell you. What I have to say is very important. If you remember one thing for the rest of your life, remember that without your kind patronage, I'd be a penniless loser like Rag Boy. (Mr. Krabs is knocking on the door in the back of the building. Stinky opens up the door) Do you two have kelp for brains? Don't you understand? If you two yahoos come around, you'll drive away all the normal customers. I've worked too long and too hard to make this a li-spectable business. As it is, I can barely afford the essential things in li... (his watch beeps) Is it quitting time already? (rips off his clothes to reveal some nicer clothes underneath) Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to enjoy some of life's essentials. (gets in his limo and moves the stack of cash over on the seat. As he closes the door and drives off, a dollar flies into Mr. Krabs' hand)

Plankton: Did you hear that, Krabs? By flipper burgers for those cretins, he was able to gain their li-spect.

Mr. Krabs: Did you see that fat stack of loot? I bet if we made a better burger, we'd make a fatter stack of loot. (cash register dings as Mr. Krabs' eyes turn into dollar bill signs) But who has the ability to make such a burger? Who has the skill?

Plankton: Skill, schmill, Krabs, baby. Who needs skill when science is on your side? We'll make that burger, and when we do, we will rule the school! (laughs)

Mr. Krabs: (cut to Mr. Krabs and Plankton walking by the dump) So we went back to our secret hideaway, the dump, to prove to those chowder heads that a burger could be semi-edible and easy to swallow. We made sure to keep careful record of our progress. (Mr. Krabs and Plankton work together to make a burger and go through the steps of doing so)

Plankton: Gently. Gently. (holds up the burger on a platter)

Mr. Krabs: We finally emerged the best-looking burger under the sea. We went back to Stinky's to rub our patty in those kid's greasy faces. But Stinky's had been shut down by order of the Health Department. So we seized the opportunity and converted our hideout into a restaurant. (Mr. Krabs and Plankton turned a trailer in the dump into a restaurant. Mr. Krabs cut the 'grand opening' tape while Plankton pushed a button to signal for customers. A line of customers line up in front of the restaurant) Our adventure into capitalism began. One dollar, please. (the kid gives his dollar for a burger)

Plankton: There you are, sir.

Mr. Krabs: T'was me first dollar I ever earned, and was also the start of a beautiful, romantic relationship with money.

Fish #5: Hey! Your burger's even worse than Stinky's. We can barely keep them down. And if it weren't for Stinky's shutting down, no one would eat here. So give me a burger. I'm starving.

Plankton: Just look at them, Eugene. The very people who ridiculed me are now feasting on my recipe.

Mr. Krabs: I thought it was our recipe.

Plankton: I'm ruling their stomachs. And soon I'll be ruling their minds! (laughs)

Mr. Krabs: But what about satisfying the customer?

Plankton: Barnacles to the customer, I'm talking about ruling the world! (laughs) And with this secret recipe, nothing will stop me!

Mr. Krabs: Give me that!

Plankton: Stop! You're gonna bust it! (the recipe tears in half)

Mr. Krabs: Burgers aren't for ruling worlds!

Plankton: I'm terribly sorry, Eugene, I couldn't hear you. Could you come closer? Maybe stand on the tile in front of you?

Mr. Krabs: Which one? The one that says "Eject" or the one that says "Trap Door"?

Plankton: Oh, either one will do.

Mr. Krabs: What I was saying was... (Plankton pulls a string that launches Mr. Krabs out of the restaurant) You'll regret this one day! (Mr. Krabs lands in the trash. Flashback to present) And he always did.

Plankton: (pops out of the pepper shaker) Lies! (SpongeBob is about to swallow the formula again but Mr Krabs takes it and puts it in his back pocket)

Mr. Krabs: Hold on there, me boy. We don't need to go through that again.

Plankton: Very touching, but completely false.

Mr. Krabs: Don't know what you mean.

Plankton: Why don't you tell them the truth?

SpongeBob: It did happen that way, didn't it, Mr. Krabs?

Plankton: Most of it's true, except for what really happened! We had created the tastiest burger. That's when things became unsavory. (flashback again to restaurant. Mr. Krabs laughs)

Mr. Krabs: First, I'll rule their stomachs and then... (laughs) ...their money! (Mr. Krabs laughs)

Plankton: But what about satisfying the customers?

Mr. Krabs: Barnacles to the customers! (Plankton gasps) I'm talkin' about coins, cash, wallets, bank accounts! And with this secret recipe, nothing will stop me!

Plankton: Gimme that! (both try to take the formula)

Mr. Krabs: Stop, you're gonna bust it. (formula tears in half)

Plankton: This isn't about money, Eugene.

Mr. Krabs: Malarkey. (Mr. Krabs puts Plankton in a straw and spits him out)

Plankton: You'll regret this one day! (lands in a pile of trash) Ouch. (emerges and looks at the half of his recipe) Our little squabble only got me part of the recipe.

SpongeBob: Gosh, Mr. Plankton, that doesn't sound like the Mr. Krabs story at all.

Karen: That's because it isn't.

SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, & Plankton: Karen?!

Karen: You're both liars. That's not how it happened at all. In those days, I was just starting out as a security system. Plankton and I met when he installed me.

Plankton: It was only our third date.

Karen: Anyways, I had recorded the whole thing in my databanks. (flashback on Karen's computer screen)

Plankton: Now that's a handsome looking burger.

Mr. Krabs: You said it, old chum. (over intercom) Attention! Get your Plankton and Krabs patties right here! (a tumbleweed rolls by) Do you think it was a good idea to open in the dump?

(music is playing in the background)

Plankton: What's that music?

Mr. Krabs: I'd know that theme song anywhere. It's Old Man Jenkins. Old Man Jenkins! (Old Man Jenkins puts a tire in his boat)

Old Man Jenkins: I just been looking for some new shoes for Ol' Bessie.

Mr. Krabs: You've help me mom and me through some tough times. It would be an honor if you'd be the first to try our delicious burgers.

Old Man Jenkins: Why, I'd be happy to! (bites into the burger then smiles)

Mr. Krabs & Plankton: Yeah! (Old Man Jenkins falls over. Later, a newspaper appears on screen)

Mr. Krabs: "Plab Patties K.O. Old Man J..." I can't believe we poisoned that sweet old guy.

Plankton: Well, he is old.

Mr. Krabs: Hey. that guy is like family to me.

Plankton: Well, it was your fault the patty was tainted.

Mr. Krabs: You're the one who put too much seaweed sauce in the burger.

Plankton: You let it sit out too long. That's what did it! I'm taking the recipe and fixing it.

Mr. Krabs: No way, that recipe's mine! (both fight over the recipe)

Plankton: Stop, you're gonna... (recipe tears in half, sending both into opposite sides of the restaurant. Plankton walks out)You wanna fight over this recipe, I'll give ya a fight you'll never forget! (slams the door causing a shelf, above the boiling patty, to spill the jars into the cauldron)

Mr. Krabs: Well, that's ruined. But, no use letting this go to waste. These kids'll eat anything. (licks some of the patty mix) I've done it. I've discovered the perfect patty batter.

Karen: Meanwhile, Plankton was back at the elementary school. But this time, he was going it alone. (Plankton puts a Chum Bucket bucket with meat in it while Mr. Krabs wheels in "Krabby Patties" and knocks him over)

Mr. Krabs: Oh, no you don't! This is my terf.

Plankton: I think not, Rag Boy.

Mr. Krabs: What? Why I outta squash you right now. You little...

Plankton: Get out of my face! (both growl at each other)

Fish #6: Hey, look! Nerd fight.

Bully: I bet five bucks on Rag Boy.

Plankton: Aha! We'll let the customers decide who's burger is better. Step right up, gents. Get a delicious Chum Burger right here.

Classmate: Big Johnny will eat anything.

(Big Johnny walks over to Plankton's side)

Plankton: Have a Chum Burger, Johnny, sir. (Johnny eats it)

Karen: Plankton had pieced together his own creation using memory and science.

Plankton: Go on, sir! Tell your buddies what you think! (Big Johnny spits the burger out on both his friends)

Classmate: I'm gonna try one of Rag Boy's burgers.

Mr. Krabs: Here ya are, sir. You are the first to taste a Krabby Patty. (hands him a patty. He takes a bite and instantly enjoys it)

Classmate: Flavor!

Fish #7: Edible!

Kid Fish: We can actually hold it down!

Fish #8: This is the most flavortastic sensation my still-developing taste buds have ever experienced!

All: Yay, Rag Boy!

Plankton: I'll show you, Krabs! I'll steal that cursed recipe from you one day, and I won't stop till I do! (flashback ends)

Mr. Krabs: Woo-hoo! My recipe was, is, and always will be the best.

Plankton: You wouldn't have that recipe if it weren't for me.

Mr. Krabs: You callin' me a liar?

Karen: Will you men stop yelling at each other? I can't believe you let a recipe ruin such a wonderful friendship. (both tear up)

Mr. Krabs: You were my only true friend that didn't have a president printed on him. But money doesn't hug back.

Plankton: My life has been nothing but a long line of disappointments since we became enemies. All these years I've been trying to steal your formula. But I was really just trying to steal back our friendship.

Mr. Krabs: Really?

Plankton: It's all I ever really wanted. To get back to the way it used to be. You and me against the world! How about a hug, Krabs, old pal?

Mr. Krabs: I'd like that, Planky, old chum. (both hug and cry at the same time)

SpongeBob: Doesn't it just warm your heart, Karen?

Karen: I suppose it would. If I had one.

Plankton: I'm sorry, Krabs, old buddy.

Mr. Krabs: Me, too. Me, too. (Plankton grabs the formula from Mr. Krabs' back pocket)

Plankton: Now, Karen! (Karen grabs the formula) Back off, Rag Boy. (jumps on the formula and Karen wheels off)

SpongeBob: (gasp) Sabotage!

Plankton: Go, Karen!

(They chase each other in a circle as another episode draws to a close)