The Anxiety Optimization


 * Leonard: Hello, can you hear me? (nothing happens) Sheldon, I haven’t change the filter in the water pitcher in two years.
 * Penny: Um, Bernadette’s nickname for you is the "Virgin Pina colada".
 * Leonard: Your George Lucas autograph is really a “me” autograph.
 * Penny: Yeah, well, once I was too lazy to walk across the hall so I used your toothbrush.
 * Leonard: Oooh, and one time when you were asleep Amy totally took off her…(Sheldon removes the headphones) and that’s why you’re the best roommate ever.


 * Leonard: Okay, the place is all yours.
 * Penny: Yeah, have fun.
 * Sheldon: Oh, I will. Nothing more fun than a paradigm-shifting evening of science.
 * Penny: And you thought it was soaping me up in the shower.


 * Sheldon: (repeated) Proton decay.


 * Penny: So, whichever rep has the best sales for the quarter gets a trip for two to Hawaii.
 * Amy: That would be so romantic for you and Leonard.
 * Penny: Yeah, clearly you haven’t seen him on the beach walking around with his metal detector.
 * Amy: If I were going to Hawaii, I’d spend all my time at the Keck Observatory. Did you know that the telescopes there have better resolution than the Hubble?
 * Penny: Really? Want to go to Hawaii?
 * Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies?
 * Penny: Come in.
 * Sheldon: Ladies.
 * Penny: What’s up?
 * Sheldon: Well, as you may know, I’ve been experimenting with elevated anxiety levels, and I thought, what better way to increase my discomfort than to subject myself to an evening of tasteless uncensored crotch talk?
 * Penny: What exactly do you think goes on here?
 * Sheldon: Well, conversations that you wouldn’t be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex. You know, who has the best cervix. Which sanitary napkin is all the rage right now. Men’s buttocks, and how you want to pat and squeeze them.
 * Bernadette: We were talking about Penny’s job.
 * Sheldon: And how difficult it is to do when she’s bloated, cranky and crampy? Continue.
 * Penny: Sheldon, we are just people. We talk about the same things you guys talk about.
 * Sheldon: You talk about if werewolves can swim? See, Leonard says yes, but I say it depends on if the human could swim before he was bitten. What do you think?
 * Penny: Let’s just talk about our periods.
 * Amy: No, hold on. All canines instinctively know how to swim. Why wouldn’t a werewolf have the same abilities?
 * Bernadette: Well, they’re not a hundred percent wolf. They’re a werewolf, that’s only part wolf. It’s like comparing apples to oranges.
 * Sheldon: Thank you. Oh, and technically, it’s apples that turn into were-oranges when the moon is full. Hey, this is fun. We should do it sometime when you aren’t all PMS’ing. Bye


 * Sheldon: You know I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a maze it gets a food pellet.
 * Amy: It also gets it’s brain plucked out with tweezers.


 * Sheldon: As you may know I have been experimenting with elevated anxiety levels and I thought what better way to increase my discomfort than to subject myself to an evening of tasteless uncensored crotch talk.
 * Penny: What exactly do you think goes on here?
 * Sheldon: Well, conversations that you wouldn't be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex. You know, who has the best cervix. Which sanitary napkin is all the rage right now. Men’s buttocks and how you want to pat and squeeze them.


 * Sheldon: That nagging tone is helping my anxiety. But maybe you could do ten percent less shrill. That would really put zippity in my doo-dah.


 * Sheldon: (on the bus, speaking to the man next to him) And then she threw me out. Me, her very own boyfriend. Where all I've don’t is tried to help humanity reach a more profound understanding of the world we live it.
 * Armadillo: (clearly still the same man) Yeah, well, women. What are you going to do?
 * Sheldon: I knew you’d understand Armadillo Isaac newton.


 * Emily: Well, you may think it’s funny that Raj is sweet and sensitive, but I think it’s sexy. {Kiss.} Ugh, why is there dog hair in your mouth?