The Thanksgiving Decoupling


 * Amy: You need any help?
 * Raj: Uh, yeah, can you, uh, reach that, uh, gravy boat up there?
 * Amy: Uh, sure.
 * Raj: Great. That makes one of you.
 * (Bernadette glares at Raj crossly and she doesn't say a word)
 * Raj: Okay, we have a lot to do and not much time to do it. Bernadette, you’re on corn, gravy and yam detail. Amy, you’re on rolls, cranberries and making sure Bernadette stays away from the marshmallows. (He looks at Bernadette) That’s right, I see you. (Bernadette glares crossly at Raj again) Okay, if you have any questions, I’ll be over here basting my ass off. Focus is key.
 * Amy: Did you guys know Penny married Zack three years ago?
 * Raj and Bernadette: What?! (Bernadette's mouth is stuffed with a marshmallow)


 * Raj: (annoyed) Hey, guys, I’m trying to cook in here.
 * Penny: Oh, sorry. We’ll keep it down.
 * Raj: No, no, speak up. I’m about to use the blender, and I don’t want to miss anything.
 * Leonard: (still angry) Well, you might have to cook for one more because she invited Zack.
 * Bernadette/Amy: (both shocked) What?/Ooh!
 * Raj: (intrigued) My, my. The plot, like my gravy, thickens.


 * Bernadette: (she's so worried) I guess we’re gonna have to do all the cooking.
 * Howard: (shiftily) I have a better idea.
 * (Bernadette is very cross with Howard for one second)
 * Bernadette: (she scolds at Howard crossly) If you think you’re gonna make me do all this by myself, you’re crazy.
 * Howard: I was gonna make Raj do it all by himself.
 * Bernadette: (happily) Oh, well, that’s a great idea!


 * Penny: Sheldon, you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I once spent one in Vegas.
 * Leonard: You did?
 * Penny: Yeah, back when I was dating Zack. Actually, it was more fun than I thought. We gambled, went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels, we had a really good turkey dinner, which was surprising since we were at a strip club.
 * Leonard: What? You went to a chapel?
 * Penny: Yeah.
 * Leonard: Why?
 * Penny: We had one those silly fake weddings.
 * (the others look at each other in alarm)
 * Leonard: Penny... you know those are real, right?
 * Penny: (laughs) No, they’re not.
 * Leonard: Yeah, they are.
 * Penny: (now looking worried) No, they’re not.
 * Leonard: Yeah, they are.
 * Sheldon: He's right.
 * Amy: They’re real.
 * Penny: (quietly) But it didn't seem real...
 * Sheldon: Let me ask you something. At any point was Las Vegas on its side? (he tilts his head, referring back to their earlier cow tipping conversation)


 * Leonard: (angry) Can't believe you're married to that idiot.
 * Penny: (crossly) Ugh, would you stop? We just did it as a goof.
 * Leonard: Goof or not, you're actually married. You need to get this taken care of!
 * Penny: I will! Why are you making this such a big deal?
 * Sheldon: Oh, I have a reason. It could be because you said yes to marrying Zack, but every time Leonard’s proposed he’s gotten a resounding no. That’s just off the top of my head.
 * Penny: How do I undo this?
 * Leonard: I just hoping you can get an annulment. So it's just like it never happened.
 * Penny: Great. Well, what do I have to do?
 * Amy: It’s says here you can get an annulment if any of the following conditions are met. One: were you unable to consummate the marriage?
 * Sheldon: (laughs) Penny? Next.
 * Amy: Is there any evidence of fraud, bigamy, want of understanding?
 * Penny: Want of understanding? What does that even mean?
 * Amy: Ding ding ding, we have a winner!


 * Zack: I'm not sure about this. I heard splitting affects the children.
 * Penny: Zack, we don't have any children!
 * Zack: Are you sure? Cause you didn't even know we were married until this morning.


 * Raj: Why would you push a cow over? They’re sacred.
 * Penny: Oh, stop it. I've seen you eat a million hamburgers.
 * Raj: Hey. An animal can be both sacred and delicious.


 * Penny: I clearly remember the cow standing up, and then the cow being on its side.
 * Leonard: Were you drunk?
 * Penny: I was sixteen in Nebraska. What do you think?
 * Leonard: (amused) I think you're the one who fell over.
 * Penny: (sudden revelation) That would explain why the sky was also on its side.


 * Sheldon: But if her food is delicious, Thanksgiving is ruined and it’s all on you.


 * Sheldon: I've been told that a bald refusal of an invitation is rude and one must instead offer a polite excuse so I’d love to go but unfortunately that sounds awful.


 * Leonard: It would actually be nice to not hear Sheldon complain about my cooking all day.
 * Sheldon: Excuse me. Every year you prepare a terrible meal and every year I criticize it. Do our traditions mean nothing to you?


 * (The scene of Howard, Bernadette and Raj in Mrs. Wolowitz's kitchen)
 * Bernadette: Thanks for saving the day.
 * Raj: Ah, no problem. It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without an Indian providing the food. Uh, now, where does your mom keep the Crisco?
 * Howard: Um, I don't know. Probably in a wad in her cheek.
 * Bernadette: I’ll help Raj in here. Why don’t you keep my dad company?
 * Howard: He doesn't want me in there. I’m just the creepy little guy who has sex with his daughter.
 * Bernadette: Don’t be silly. He loves you.
 * Howard: Does he?
 * Bernadette: OK, he cares about you a lot.
 * Howard: Really?
 * Bernadette: (she is now very cross) I do crap for you all the time. Get out there!
 * (Howard starts to move away from Bernadette's shout of anger)


 * Penny: All right. Thank you for having us.
 * Howard: What’s with you?
 * Leonard: Well, she’s mad at me because she just found out that she’s married to Zack.
 * Howard: Really? That dumb ass you used to date? [Laughs] That’s hysterical.
 * Penny: I can’t believe I felt bad for opening this in the car.


 * Leonard: How am I the bad guy? She's the one who married someone else. I’m the victim.
 * Howard: Sounds like Zack’s the victim. You’re sleeping with his wife.


 * Sheldon: My father loved football. He always made me watch it before I was allowed to do my homework.


 * Penny: You know neither of us thought this was real. I mean, we were married by an Elvis impersonator.
 * Zack: Of course it was an impersonator. We could never afford a real Elvis.


 * Amy: I can’t believe Penny’s married to Zack.
 * Raj: Wonder what she saw in that guy.
 * Bernadette: I don’t know. He’s sweet, he’s tall, handsome.
 * Amy: Broad shoulders, good hair.
 * Raj: Hmm. Wonder what she sees in Leonard.
 * (a rather upset Howard enters the kitchen)
 * Bernadette: How’s it going out there?
 * Howard: Sheldon and your dad are bonding and completely ignoring me.
 * Amy: I know how you feel. Sheldon ignored me for a week when he got that Roomba vacuum. I kick it when he’s not looking.
 * Bernadette: What are they doing?
 * Howard: They’re drinking beer and watching football.
 * Bernadette: So why don’t you do that with them?
 * Howard: They don’t want me.
 * Bernadette: What do you mean?
 * Howard: Well, Sheldon started talking about how his dad isn’t alive any more, and they were toasting, and I tried to tell them about how sad I was when my dad abandoned…
 * Amy: Zack’s here!
 * (Raj gives Howard the whisk)
 * Raj: Stir the gravy.
 * (Raj runs out of the kitchen. Howard looks shocked for a second. Bernadette quickly re-enters the kitchen)
 * Bernadette: Sorry. I really want to hear how sad you are. I’ll be back in like five, ten minutes.
 * (Bernadette quickly grabs a marshmallow and runs back out of the kitchen)


 * Mike: I don’t know what’s scarier, the bathroom clowns or the woman who put them there.
 * Sheldon: All I know is, you can only fit one of her in a car. (Howard enters) And there’s the clown that came out of her! (Howard turns and leaves without missing a beat as Mike and Sheldon laugh)


 * (The scene at the Wolowitz house where Bernadette bursts into the living room looking very cross with storm clouds in her eyes)
 * Bernadette: (she yells angrily at her dad and Sheldon) Hey! Howie says that you've been making fun of him all day! (both Mike and Sheldon react in shock to her yelling) Now, both of you apologize right now!
 * (Amy and Howard put on their thinking expressions behind the angry Bernadette)
 * Sheldon: (He's drunkenly amused) She’s so tiny. (Bernadette still looks very cross whilst Howard and Amy exchange glances) It’s funny when she’s mad.
 * (Mike and Sheldon start laughing as Amy marches up to Sheldon)
 * Amy: (she speaks firmly) All right, mister. I think you owe Howard and Bernadette an apology.
 * Sheldon: (he glances at all the angry faces) Perhaps you’re right. (puts his beer can down and stands up) I’m sorry for my behavior. I've had alcohol and it’s caused me to be inappropriate.
 * Bernadette: (quietly) Okay
 * Howard: (also quiet) Don’t worry about it.
 * Amy: Thank you.
 * Sheldon: Isn't she great?
 * (Mike drunkenly nods his head mumbling with agreement)
 * Amy: (she giggles) Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: Now, how about you get us a couple of beers?
 * (Sheldon then shocks Amy [and everyone else] by swatting her in the butt, but as she walks into the kitchen, she gets a goofy, I-actually-kinda-liked-it smile on her face)


 * (The ending scene of the gang in Mrs. Wolowitz's dining room)
 * Bernadette: (to Raj) Thanks again for cooking.
 * Amy: (To Raj) Yeah, everything was delicious.
 * Raj: Well, I couldn’t have done it without my two favourite girls. (Bernadette and Amy beam with pride for a second) Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray.
 * (both Bernadette and Amy start to leave the dining room crossly without saying a word. Sheldon laughs shiftily and Raj just nods his head)
 * Mike: Hey, Sheldon, what do you say we go outside and throw around the old pigskin?
 * Sheldon: (low-drunken tone) This is a Jewish house. I don’t think they have pigskin.
 * (Sheldon now exits his seat)
 * Mrs Wolowitz (off): Did someone say pigskin?
 * Penny: Hey, I’m sorry about today. And I promise, next time I get married, it won’t be a joke. It’ll be for love. Or money. (she smiles and strokes Leonard's chin to show she's kidding)
 * Leonard: I’m sorry, too.
 * Zack: Don’t be. It’s my fault. I was a terrible husband. I was never around.
 * (Bernadette and Amy (with a coffee jug) return back to the dining room)
 * Mike: I know I’m hard on you, but you’re not the worst son-in-law in the world.
 * Howard: Mike, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.
 * Mike: Well, I’m drunk.
 * (Bernadette gives her husband a sweet stroke on his arm. Enter Sheldon)
 * Sheldon: I just vomited on a lot of clowns.
 * (Sheldon starts to sit back down on his seat)