Fear of a Bot Planet


 * [Scene: Ship's Cockpit. Fry and Leela are standing in front of the couch looking out of the windscreen into open space.]

Leela: What do you think of the view Fry? Fry: It really puts things in perspective. I mean, from up here an entire world can seem utterly insignificant.
 * [A small planet splats onto the windscreen like a fly onto a car. Leela presses a button and the windscreen wiper cleans it off.]
 * [Opening Credits. Caption: Featuring Gratuitous Alien Nudity.]
 * [Scene: Madison Cube Garden: Stand. The crew are sat watching what could be a baseball game...]

Bender: Hey nice seats! We're close enough so when you knock a player down with a beer bottle, he stays down! Fry: I don't get it. Is blernsball exactly the same as baseball? Farnsworth: Baseball?? God forbid! Leela: Face it Fry. Baseball was as boring as mum and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up. Fry: Boring? Baseball wasn't - hmm, so they finally jazzed it up?
 * [A player hits the ball. Fry jumps up cheering.]

Fry: Home run!! Woooo! Right?
 * [The ball springs back, a player catches it, flies through the air and hits a base.]

Umpire: Out! Fry: What just happened? Why is the ball on that springy thing? Leela: It's traditional. Just like aluminium bats and the seventh inning grope.
 * [Another hit. A player jumps to catch the ball but misses it and is caught by Bender.]

Bender: I got me a souvenir! [A kid looks sadly up at Bender] Aww here you go kid!
 * [He hands the kid the player.]
 * [Scene: Madison Cube Garden: Corridor. Zoidberg comes out of the Gents and walks to a food stand.]

Zoidberg: I'd like a jumbo squidlog please. Man: We don't sell those. Zoidberg: Alright, alright. Let me have one of your young on a roll. Man: We're out of rolls. Zoidberg: Fine! Just give me something crawling with parasites.
 * [Cut to: Madison Cube Garden: Stand. Zoidberg is back with the group eating a hot dog]

Fry: Mmmm, at least hot dogs haven't changed. Bender: Hey buddies who wants popcorn? All: I'll have some, me, yeah!
 * [Bender pops then takes a large tub of popcorn out of his chest cavity.]

Bender: Anyone want butter on that?
 * [He pumps his antenna.]

Fry: Hey I'm starting to get the hang of this game! The blerns are loaded, the count's three blerns and two anti-blerns and the infield blern rule is in effect, right? Leela: Except for the word "blern" that was complete gibberish. ''[The blernsball falls into a hole and indescribable mayhem ensues! Fry scratches his head in confusion. Leela writes on her score card. All right! Yes!! Fry: What just happened? Leela: Miller's on a pace to hit 70 blerns! Farnsworth: He's good all right. But he's no Clem Johnson. And Johnson played back in the days when steroid injections were mandatory. Bender: Clem Johnson? That skin bag wouldn't have lasted one pitch in the old Robot Leagues! Now Wireless Joe Jackson, there was a blern hitting machine! Leela: Exactly! He was a machine designed to hit blerns! I mean come on! Wireless Joe was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels. Bender: Oh and I suppose pitching at 5000 was just a modified. Leela: Yep. Bender: You humans are so scared of a little robot competition you won't even let us on the field. Fry: What are you talking about? There's all kinds of robots down there. Bender: Yeah doing crap work! They're bat boys, ball polishers, sprinkler systems. But how many robot managers are there? Fry: Eleven? Bender: Zero! ''[He throws his bottle on the floor and it breaks. A small robot comes out and cleans it up.]'' And what a surprise! Look who's scraping up the filth! Is it a human child? I wish!
 * [Farnsworth suddenly leans forward, clutching his chest.]

Farnsworth: Oh dear Lord! Fry: What's wrong? Farnsworth: It's...my...new...pager.
 * [He takes his pager out of his lab coat and turns it on. A holographic image of Hermes appears in front of him.]

Hermes: [on pager] : This is Hermes. A package just came in. Everyone is to return to the office immediately. ''[The crew grumble. A pigeon lands next to Hermes' image.]'' Get away you filthy bird! Shoo! Professor turn me off quick! Farnsworth: I'm sorry what? Hermes: [on pager] : Argh! ''[The bird takes off with the hologram. Hermes screams.]'' See you at the office!
 * [Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are around the big table.]

Bender: Admit it. You all think robots are machines built by humans to make their lives easier. Fry: Well, aren't they? Bender: I've never made anyone's life easier and you know it!
 * [Enter Farnsworth and Hermes. Hermes is bandaged up.]

Farnsworth: Great news everyone. You'll be delivering a package to Chapek 9. A world where humans are killed on sight! Fry: Why is that great news? Farnsworth: I'm glad you asked that question Fry. You see Chapek 9 was colonised centuries ago by a murderous crew of radical robot separatists. Bender: Oh so just 'cause a robot wants to kill humans that makes him a radical? Leela: Hey hold on. I understand these robots hate humans but how do they feel about humanoid aliens? Farnsworth: They're not fans. Hermes: That's why Bender will have to make the actual delivery. Bender: Oh I get it, make the robot do all the work! Leela: This is the first actual work you've ever had to do around here. Bender: Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday. Fry: Really? Which one? Bender: Only Robanukah. The holiest two weeks on the robot calendar. Leela: Oh come on Bender. Last month it was Robomadan and before that Robonzaa. Fry: Man that one was a blast! Bender: It wasn't just a blast it was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest. Hermes: Now look here Bender. I respect your diversity to the extent the law requires but you used up all your days off when you had that bout of Roberculosis. Bender: All right, I'll go. But so help me, I'll hold a grudge against every last one of you for the rest of your lives. Farnsworth: Well then it's settled. So long everyone!
 * [Scene: Ship's Cockpit. The ship is approaching Chapek 9.]

Fry: So let me get this straight: This planet is completely uninhabited? Bender: No. It's inhabited by robots! Fry: Oh. Kinda like how a warehouse is inhabited by boxes.
 * [The ship hovers above the surface of Chapek 9. The cargo bay doors open.]
 * [Scene: Ship's Cargo Bay.]

Leela: OK Bender, we're here. It's time to get to work. Bender: Yes Miss Leela,. Leela: Now we can't land on the surface because those robots will kill Fry and me, so we'll have to stay up here and lower you with the winch. And remember: You don't know humans, you don't work for humans, and above all, you don't like humans! Bender: I'll try to keep that in mind!
 * [He steps on the winch and Leela lowers it to the ground.]

Leela: Hmm, he seems pretty angry. Fry: Yeah but I guess I'd be angry too if I had to go to some uninhabited planet. Leela: Maybe we ought to do something nice for him.
 * [Scene: Ship's Cockpit. Leela and Fry have decorated it with banners, paper people and beers.]

Leela: There. That ought to show that stupid robot we care about him.
 * [The phone beeps.]

Fry: Ah, Bender must be done with the delivery.
 * [Leela answers the call. Bender's face appears on the screen.]

Bender: [on screen] : I'm in trouble. they found out I work with humans and - oh no, oh no!
 * [He is dragged off into the darkness. The phone cuts out.]

Fry: Oh my God! We have to go down and rescue him. Leela: No we can't! They'll kill us on sight. Fry: Well what are we going to do? Leela: I don't know, I don't know. It's not an easy decision. If only I had two or three minutes to think about it.
 * [Scene: Ship's Cargo Bay. Fry and Leela are dressing up in boxes and things.]

Leela: OK. If we're going to save Bender, we've got to look and act exactly like robots. Fry: [robot voice] : I am fully operational Captain. Leela: We have to walk like robots, talk like robots and if necessary solve complex differential equations like robots. Fry: I can sort of dance like a robot. Will that help?
 * [He sort of dances like a robot.]

Leela: Fry first of all this is serious. And second of all...
 * [She dances like a robot.]
 * [Cut to: Chapek 9 surface. Fry and Leela lower themselves to the surface on the winch and come face to face with a huge robot complex.]

Fry: Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten store bought costumes. Leela: Yeah, but there wasn't a in this quadrant.
 * [They reach the gates of the complex but are stopped by two huge robot guards.]

Robot guard #1: Halt! Robot guard #2: Be you robot or human? Leela: Robot...we be. Fry: Uh yup! Just two robots out roboting it up! [He sort of dances like a robot.] Eh? Robot guard #1: Administer the test. Robot guard #2: Which of the following would you most prefer? A: A puppy? B: A pretty flower from your sweetie or C: A large properly formatted data file? Robot guard #1: Choose!
 * [Fry and Leela whisper to each other about the answer.]

Fry: Is the puppy mechanical in any way? Robot guard #2: No. It is the bad kind of puppy. Leela: Then we'll go with that data file. Robot guard #2: Correct. Robot guard #1: The flower would also have been acceptable. Robot guard #2: You may pass.
 * [The robot guards fold up and move to the side. Fry and Leela enter the complex.]
 * [Cut to: Robot Complex. Fry and Leela walk down an empty corridor.]

Leela: Now if you see any robots, just stay out of their way. ''[An alarm sounds. Hundreds of robots come out of doors from all sides towards Fry and Leela. Another alarm. The robots clear the area.]'' So far, so good.
 * [Time Lapse. A robot construction worker is giving directions to a crane which is building a Tetris wall.]

Robot builder: Little to the right, there you go. Leela: Have you seen this robot?
 * [She shows him a picture of Bender as a magician.]

Robot builder: Sorry, can't help you. [To the crane.] Hey, watch it! Don't drop that there! [The crane drops a brick into the wall and it disappears.] Aw! Leela: Come on Fry, walk like a robot. Fry: I can't. I have to go to the bathroom. Leela: Robot's don't have bathrooms. Fry: Oh right. I wonder where they all smoke in high school. Leela: Listen. Just go behind those garbage cans. I'll stand guard.
 * [Fry does. A robot approaches Fry.]

Leela: Hurry up Fry. Resin-offering robot: Sir? Are you aware that you're leaking coolant at an alarming rate? Fry: Uh... Resin-offering robot: Well let me just patch you up with some hot resin. Fry: I think the leak's stopping itself. [It doesn't.] Wait. [Still going.] Wait. Yeah, there we go. [Starts again.] Wait. Yeah! Resin-offering robot: What sort of robot turns down a free blast of searing hot resin? Leela: I'm sorry. My friend and I have to go and perform some mindless repetitive tasks. Resin-offering robot: Sounds like a romantic evening. I won't keep you.
 * [The robot zooms away and churns up dust. Leela sneezes. The robot turns around and gives a mechanical shriek. Leela kicks it over and she and Fry run off. An Anti-Human Patrol van comes and picks up the robot.]

Patrol Officer #1: Get the humanoids. Patrol Officer #2: Get the intruder.
 * [They drop the robot on the ground.]

Announcer: [on loudspeaker] : Intruder alert! Intruder alert! Leela: Quick! Let's duck in here!
 * [They run into a cinema]
 * [Scene: Auditorium. The movie showing is similar to the popular horror movies of the 1950s complete with an all-American college boy and his beautiful yet naïve girlfriend, with robots instead of humans.]

Announcer: [on radio in movie] : We interrupt this sound file to bring you a terrifying announcement. A non-metallic being has been sighted in the vicinity of Make Out Point. Rusty: [in movie] : Say Wendy. Your chassis is a little scuffed. Mind if I polish it for you? Wendy: [in movie] : Did you hear that Rusty? It sounded like a human. Rusty: [in movie] : Relax Wendy. Humans will never come to our defenceless little town. It's perfectly safe to let our guard down - even for a second.
 * [A human - actually a robot actor wearing a human costume - appears out of some bushes.]

Robot Human: [in movie] Graaah! ''[It tears Rusty's head off and eats it. Wendy screams.]'' I will eat and digest you all with my system of mighty organs! Behold!
 * [It opens itself up revealing human organs.]

Audience: Ooooo! Fry: Wow the 3-D's great! Leela: Mine's not working!
 * [She moves the 3D glasses back and forth over her eye.]
 * [In the movie the human stumbles around, breathes fire and finally collapses. It has an arrow in its back. Wendy and a Robot General approach it.]

Robot General: [in movie] : Funny, isn't it? The human was impervious to our most powerful magnetic fields, yet in the end he succumbed to a harmless sharpened stick!
 * [He chuckles.]

Wendy: [in movie] : I'm just glad the nightmare is over. Robot General: [in movie] : It'll never be over Wendy. Even now humans are lurking in our playgrounds, our breezeways, perhaps even...our movie theatres!
 * [He points into the camera at the audience. They scream.]

Fry: God help us!
 * [Scene: Outside Cinema. The movie has ended and the robots are filing out.]

Leela: OK. Keep an eyeout for Bender. Robot #1: So what did you think of the movie? Fry: Umm, too much romance, not enough human killing. Robot #2: Yeah, it was a real chick flick.
 * [A loud fanfare.]

Leela: What's that? Robot #1: What do you mean "What's that?"? Its 5 o'clock: Time for the daily human hunt.
 * [The robots all take out weapons of different sorts and file off in the same direction. Fry and Leela follow.]

Leela: Try to stay with the crowd so no one notices how crummy you look.
 * [She is talking to a robot that looks like Fry disguised as a robot!]

Crummy Robot: Awww that was uncalled for! Fry: I'm over here!
 * [The robots congregate around a platform.]

Robot #4: I heard a human was draining coolant behind garbage can 738. Robot #5: I heard they unscrew our lugnuts at night and eat them at their human brunches. Robot Mayor: Welcome to a very special human hunt. We have with us today a guest who's irrational hatred of humans makes me look like a human sympathiser! [The crowd laughs.] A newly arrived refugee from Earth, lets hear it for - Bender!
 * [Bender emerges from the shadows and stands at the microphone.]

Fry: It's him. He's OK! Bender: Death to humans! Fry: Ahh! It's good to hear his voice!
 * [Time Lapse.]

Bender: Many said I was too extreme when I first called for the annihalation of the human species, as well as some of the more cunning monkeys. But after living on Earth I can tell you that I am, if anything, too merciful!
 * [The crowd cheers.]

Fry: My God! He's become evil. [Leela stares at him.] I mean eviler! Bender: Thank you, thank you. And if you enjoyed that diatribe then you'll want to purchase my spoken word album, just 18.95! Act now and you'll get this Bender action figurine.
 * [He pulls the string]

Bender Figurine: Bite my shiny metal ass! Robot Mayor: Let the hunt begin!
 * [Robots rush off with clubs and start to hit bushes and look under rocks.]

Bender: Now. Your basic human is between three and twenty five feet tall and is made of a hairy, oily goo wrapped in a t-shirt. Robot #1: Is it true they bite your neck, suck your transmission fluid and then you become a human? Bender: Sure, why not?
 * [Cut to: Bracken]

Robot #1: Anything in the trap? Bender: Nothing. Today's active humans prefer a low calorie bait. Robot Mayor: Well that makes 146,000 unsuccessful hunts in a row. But I've got a good feeling about tomorrow.
 * [Bender sees a building.]

Bender: Wait, what's that? Robot Mayor: Oh thats the old abandoned adult book store. Nothing in there except a few mouldy old shreads of robot pornography. Bender: Hmmm, sounds like a breeding ground for humans. I'd better check it out.
 * [Scene: Porno library. Bender is looking at robot porn - circuit diagrams!]

Bender: Oh yeah! You're a bad girl aren't you? Fry: Psst! Bender! Bender: Huh? Wha? You! What the hell are you doing here? Fry: We've been looking for you. Last we heard you were under arrest as a human sympathiser. Bender: I was. But they let me go when I told them that I'd killed a million billion humans. Leela: Good for you. Now lets all get back to the ship. Bender: What for? Fry: We're rescuing you. Bender: I don't wanna be rescued. Fry: Say what? Bender: I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame and access to sleaze that those things bring. Fry: But Bender, we're your friends. Bender: Friends? That activates my hilairity unit! I'm just a machine to you. You're no more friends with me than you are with the toaster, the phonograph or the electric chair. Fry: That's not true. Bender: Well that's how it feels to me.
 * [An awkward silence as Fry regrets what he is about to say]

Fry: Bye Bender. I'll miss you. Bender: Go on, get out of here before you get caught. Robot Mayor: Bender, good news. Your album just went gold! What the? Robot #1: Its the humans! Robot Mayor: Bender! Do something!
 * [Bender grabs Fry and Leela.]

Bender: Uh...got you...you muderous...flesh piles!
 * [Scene: Robot Hall of Justice. Fry and Leela are in a cage. The judge is a Mac.]

Robot Mayor: Your Honour, I intend to demonstrate beyond 0.5% of a doubt that these humans before us are guilty of the crime of being humans. Come to think of it, I rest my case! Judge: Thank you, Prosecutor. I will now consider the evidence.
 * [He begins to consider. A blue bar moves across his screen.]

Fry: Hey, wait a minute! Isn't anyone gonna defend us? Leela: Yeah! I mean, he might not have a case, but I'm genuinely not human. Robot Mayor: Quiet, human!
 * [The Judge stops considering. A prompt box shows up on his screen: Sorry A System Error Occured [Restart] The court gasps in shock.]

Robot clerk: Uh oh! He froze up again! Robot Mayor: Try control alt delete. Robot #1: Jiggle the cord. Robot #2: Turn him off and on. Robot #3: Clean the gunk out of the mouse. Fry: Call technical support. Robot clerk: OK, OK. He's back online. Judge: I find the defendants - guilty!
 * [The court cheers.]

Fry: No! Leela: Look! One eye! Count them: One! Not human! Judge: The humans are hereby sentenced to live as robots live on Earth. They will perform tedious calculations and spot-weld automobiles, until they become obsolete and are given away to an inner-city middle school. Robot Mayor: Great work Bender! You've taught us to hate humans all over again! Bender: [uneasy] : Heh heh heh! Oooh!
 * [The clerk pulls a lever and Fry and Leela fall through the floor.]
 * [Cut to: Room. It is pitch black. The sounds of Fry and Leela hitting the floor sounds.]

Leela: Are you alright? Fry: Oh yeah.
 * [The lights come on. Fry is upside down. They are sat before 5 tall robots.]

Leela: Who are you? Blue Elder: We are the robot elders. Fry: You don't look very old. Blue Elder: Thanks. We try to take care of ourselves. Leela: What's going on here? Orange Elder: Silence! Bring in Bender.
 * [The doors open. Enter Bender.]

Bender: Alright lets make this quick, I'm due at the opening of a mini-mall. Hey what is this? Blue Elder: Silence! It is time to put the humans to death! Fry: But the judge already sentenced us at the trial! Orange Elder: Silence! That was just a show for the public. We are the true rulers of this planet, hand carved from meteorites by the Robot Founders, over four centuries ago. Blue Elder: Silence! Come forward Bender. You will have the honour of executing the prisoners. Green Elder: Silence! I concur! Orange Elder: Here. Use the ceremonial killamajig. Bender: Uh, I'm a little tired right now. Would it be alright if I just gave them a savage beating? Blue Elder: No! The Elders have spoken. Show us the killing skills than have made you a media darling. Green Elder: Do it now! Kill them before they bring down our whole society! Elders: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Bender: Aww! ''[He throws the killamajig away. The Elders gasp.]'' I can't kill them. Plenty of humans have mistreated robots but not these two. they're my friends. Humans are no threat to us. They're stupid, putrid cowards. Fry: Damn right! Bender: The fact is, humans are completely harmless. Blue Elder: We're well aware of that. Bender: You are? Blue Elder: Of course. But they're useful to us as a scapegoat to distract the public from their real problem. Green Elder: Like our crippling lugnut shortage. Orange Elder: And a corrupt government of incompetent Robot Elders. Lime Elder: Duh, that's for sure. Blue Elder: Quiet Jimmy. Bender: Well I'm glad we got all that out in the open. We'll just let ourselves out. Green Elder: Silence! You all know too much. Blue Elder: Elders: Execute function, control, shift, kill!
 * [They form a line and things come out of their arms. They move towards Fry, Leela and Bender who back away. Fry suddenly leaps forward.]

Fry: Stop! Take one more step and I'll breathe fire on you! Leela: He'll do it. He's crazy! Orange Elder: Can they really breathe fire or did we make that up? Blue Elder: Gee, I can't remember anymore! It might just be from that stupid movie. Green Elder: Was that the original or the re-make?
 * [The crew sneak away.]

Blue Elder: I don't - hey! They're getting away.
 * [Scene: Chapek 9 surface. Outside the Robot Complex, Fry, Leela and Bender run towards the winch with hundreds of robots chasing them. They jump onto it and Leela presses the button.]

Fry: So long suckers! [The robots stand on each others shoulders] Uh, hello suckers! Bender: Hey hold on a second I forgot to deliver the package.
 * [He hands the parcel to a robot. It loses its balance and falls, along with the rest of the robots. The parcel bursts open.]

Robot #1: Lugnuts! Precious lugnuts! Robot #2: Hooray for the humans!
 * [Cut to: Ship's cockpit. The ship speeds out of orbit of Chapek 9. Bender sees the decorations.]

Bender: Wow, I can't believe you guys did all this for me! This is the best Robanukah ever! Fry: We wanted to show you that we really do respect your robot heritage. Bender: Aww, thanks! You do know I made Robanukah up to get out of work right? Leela: Of course. Fry: But that doesn't make it any less meaningful! Bender: In that case - let the dancing begin! [Fry and Leela do their robot dances.] Hey you guys are good. How the hell do you do that??
 * [There are several shots of the crew taking photos.]
 * [Closing Credits.]