Jerk De Soleil

(Outside the Flynn-Fletcher home...)

Baljeet: We’re going to the circus! We’re going to the circus!

  (Kitchen...)

Baljeet: I am here and ready to go to the world-famous Cirque de Lune.

Phineas: Have a seat. We’re goin’ in a minute.

Baljeet: Ok. We’re going to the circus! We’re going to circus!

Lawrence: Hold your horses, kids. It says here that the lead of Cirque de Lune has a severe allergy. They’re canceling today’s performance.

Isabella: Well, that’s a bummer.

Linda: If it’s anything like Candace’s parsnip allergy, I don’t blame them for not wanting to appear in public.

Phineas: (to Isabella) She gets blotchy. Red, weird voice thingy. (whispering) Not good.

Linda: Well, honey, looks like that frees you up to join me at the mall. Our trio is recording our first album today: Live at the Squat ‘n’ Stitch.

Lawrence: Mmm mmm, should be swinging.

Linda: Cheer up, guys. I’m sure you’ll have a fun day anyway. Bye, kids. Be good. Have fun.

Isabella: It must be so cool to be in the circus.

Phineas: Yeah. (snaps his fingers) Hey, Ferb, let’s put on our own Cirque. This will be great! Ferb can set up the tent, I’ll be the ringmaster.

Isabella: We can sew up some arty costumes.

Django: Hey, for a trick, I can put my leg over my head. … Ow. I’ll work on it.

Phineas: Even Perry can have an act. The Amazing Perry!

(trumpets sound)

Baljeet: Ooo, I have a mystical, magical art I would like to perform. It’s stupefying!

Buford: I have another act that’ll bring the house down.

Phineas: Ferb, get the tools!

Isabella: Let’s do this!

(Candace's room...)

Candace: (yawning) Good morning, Jeremy. (fake boy voice) Good morning, gorgeous. (normal voice) Oh, Jer! (giggles)

(kissing sounds)

(power tools whirring, thumping)

I’ll be right back, Jeremy. What’s going on? A circus? Can’t they give me a break for one day?

(Backyard...)

Phineas: This looks great, Ferb.

(machinery hissing)

Hey, have you seen Perry? I put on his costume.

(action music)

(beeping)

''(Perry's lair...)  Major Monogram: (clearing his throat) Okay, Agent P. Dr. Doofenshmirtz is buying bio-mechanical equipment and… (chuckles)'' elocution tapes. (laughing) We don’t know why. Where are you going, Agent P? Wait, wait, don’t go. I’m not laughing at you. I just heard a funny joke earlier this morning. Please, please, Agent P. Turn around so we can conclude our meeting.

(camera snaps)

Carl! Carl! What’s your e-mail? Gonna send this to you.

Perry

(Backyard...)

Buford: Hey, twerp, I brought the props for my act.

Phineas: Buford, what exactly is your act?

Buford: I fly into mud with a paper bag on my head.

Phineas: Okay, then.

Buford: The peeps are gonna love.

Candace: Oh, I’m not even gonna call Mom. No, not gonna call!

(elephant sound)

(phone ringing)

Linda: Candace, honey, listen. I can’t talk. We’re recording. Is it life or death?

Candace: Well, no, but…

Linda: I gotta go! Bye!

Candace: (growls in frustration)

Jeremy: Heya, Candace.

Candace: Oh! Hi, Jeremy!

Jeremy: My mom told me to bring over these homegrown veggies for your family. You know; she and your mom are doing that jazz thing today.

Candace: Thanks.

Jeremy: So, circus, huh? Cool. Cool. I guess it’s more of a “cirque” than a “circus”. (laughs)

(chorus)

Aaahhh

(romantic voice) Good morning, gorgeous.

Candace: Oh. (giggles)

Jeremy: Don’t you think?

Candace: What?

Jeremy: Don’t you think we should sit together to watch the show? If you want to.

Candace: Yeah, yeah.

(hacking cough, wheezing)

Jeremy: Uh, Candace, are you okay?

Candace: Say, are there any wild parsnips in here?

Jeremy: Uh, I think that’s all that’s in there.

Candace: (choked gasp) Later.

(At Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated...)

Man: ''I’m dancing with your wife, pal. You got a problem with that?''

Doofenshmirtz: I’m dance… (clears throat) “I’m dancing with your wife, pal. You got a problem with that?” Oh, yes, that does sound tough.

Man: Yeah, I ate your last nectarine. You got a problem with that?

Doofenshmirtz: Yes, I ate…

(crashing)

(coughing)

Perry the Platypus, could you use the front door from now on? Could you just do that for me? I mean, yes, “I ate your last nectarine. You got a problem with that?” Sounds tough, huh? But not tough enough!

(pushes button on a remote; Perry gets trapped in a net)

You see; ever since I was a child, I had a high, squeaky voice, but not anymore. Behold the Voice-inator! It bio-mechanically transforms normal air into Doofelium, which’ll make everyone else’s voice higher, making my voice deeper by comparison. I was going to lower my own voice, but, you know, it seemed like too much trouble.

(engines roaring)

(crashing)

Oh, come on!

''(Candace's room...) '' Candace: Of course it had to be wild parsnips. Allergy pills, allergy pills… Aha! Quick, before my voice goes through the reaction.

(in a deep, manly voice) Noo!

Girl: Hey, Jeremy. Wanna sit together at the show?

Candace: (in deep voice) No, no. Mindy can’t sit with Jeremy. Gotta stop this, gotta tell Mom. Can’t go out looking like this!

Mindy: So, how about us sitting together?

Candace: (in deep voice) Excuse me.

Jeremy: It’s good, bro. (to Mindy) Thanks, but I promised Candace.

(Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated...)

(engine firing)

Doo-dooby-doo-ba

Dooby-doo-ba-doo-dooby-doo-ba

Doo-dooby-doo-ba

Dooby-doo-ba-doo-dooby-doo-ba

Agent P

(Cirque tent...)

Phineas: We’re moments away from Ferb and The Amazing Perry! (to Ferb) Hey, Ferb, you guys are up next. Where’s Perry?

(Perry, back in his cirque outfit, walks towards the boys)

Phineas: Oh, there you are.

Baljeet: And now, for my final trick, I will reattach my thumb! Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, come thumb, it’s healing time.

(wild cheering)

Phineas: Let’s hear it for Baljeet the Stupefying! But now, prepared to be astounded when The Amazing Semi-aquatic Perry, aided by Ferb, attempts to jump through that hoop into the Shallow Pond!

Audience: Ooo!

Phineas: Yeah! Let’s hear it for the Amazing Semi-aquatic Perry!

(At the Squat n' Stitch...)

Candace: (deep-voiced) Psst. Mom.

Linda: Candace. Have you been near the wild parsnips again?

Candace: (deep-voiced) Yes, but you gotta see what Phineas and Ferb are doing.

Linda: What is it now?

(Song: E.V.I.L. B.O.Y.S.)

Candace: Those boys are always up to something

And it's bringing me to tears

‘Cause just before you get home

It always just magically disappears

Those boys are evil!

But before you get home they somehow always clean up the mess

Vivian: Testify, Candace, testify!

Candace: Those boys are evil

Let me spell it out for you, Mom

E-V-I-L B-O-Y-S!

They built a roller coaster

And a beach in the backyard

Drove cattle through the city

And messed up the boulevard

They took me back in time

When we went to that museum

They built fifty foot tree house robots

But still you didn't see them

Those boys are evil

Their crazy shenanigans cause me all kinds of distress

Those boys are evil

Sing it with me

E-V-I-L B-O-Y-S!

I know you think they're saints

But Mom, I'm here to tell

Those B-O-Y-S, they're just E-V-I-L

Those boys are evil

They're making me feel like my head's in a hydraulic press

And that don't feel too good!

Those boys are evil

Everybody!

E-V-I-L B-O-Y-S!

That's what I'm talking about

E-V-I-L B-O-Y-S!

That's right those boys are

Evil little boys!

(applause, cheering)

Candace: (deep-voiced) Okay, Mom, so you gonna come home with me?

Linda: Are you kidding, hon? Let’s do another.

Candace: (groans)

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus. But you are too late. … Wait! Wait, don’t touch that! … Stop it! Stop it! (chuckling) Stop it, I told you! Stop it! I said keep your hands off of that.

(Cirque tent...)

Buford: Hey, I got my costume all set. Be sure to introduce me as The Amazing Baggo.

Phineas: You know, we’ve been thinking about your act and have some suggestions. Modify your torque and reverse the angle of trajectory.

Buford: I still get to land in the mud, right?

Phineas: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Buford: I want the mud.

(audience cheering)

Phineas: Thank you, Django, the Human Pretzel!

Django: (moaning)

Phineas: That’s gotta hurt. And now, our next act will catapult through the heavens, and land in a pit filled with the mysterious Aztec mud of doom!

Audience: Ooo! Yeah! Whoo!

Candace: (deep-voiced) Jeremy! Jeremy! Jeremy! (gasps) He saved me a seat.

Phineas: I give you The Amazing Baggo!

Buford: Taa-daa! Hey!

Candace: (deep-voiced) Guys, cut it out. Let go.

Buford: That dude’s stealing my act.

(grunting)

(screaming)

Ferb: (whistles)

Phineas: Hmm. He must have been lighter than we calculated.

Buford: No, no! This is Buford’s moment to shine. … Hey, everybody, over here!

(all cheer)

Phineas: Wait. How’d he get down there?

Ferb: Perhaps Buford truly is amazing.

(shouting, grunting)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, great, now this thing's broken.

(Cirque tent...)

Phineas: And now, ladies and gentlemen, (voice-pitch rising) I give you our entire cast in our grand finale, featuring The Amazing Perry!

(high-pitched cheering)

Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

(Backyard...)

Kids: Thanks, Phineas. … You’re the coolest.

Boy: That was the best circus I’ve ever been to.

(machinery hissing)

Linda: Hi, guys.

Phineas: Mom. Dad. You missed our cirque.

Linda: Well, it sure looks like you had fun.

Perry: (chatters)

Linda: Who wants to hear my CD?

Phineas: Ooo, I do.

Lawrence: All right, come on.

Phineas: Cool.

Candace: (moans) Oh, well, at least I’m back to normal.

Jeremy: Hey, Candace. My mom played me some of their CD. Your singing is awesome. How’d you get your voice to sound like that?

Candace: Oh, same as all the great blues singers: wild parsnips.