Snowman Is An Island

(Setting: a mountainous, snow-covered landscape. Aladdin and his friends are trudging through a blizzard. Genie is in the lead, wearing snowshoes, followed by Aladdin, Abu, and Iago. Genie seems happy; everyone else looks annoyed.)

Genie: Ooh, look at the pretty flakes! No two alike, you know. Isn't this the best shortcut? Yep, nothing like the great outdoors.

Aladdin: Uh, yeah, right. Are you sure we're going the right way, Genie?

Genie: Have I ever mentioned my semi-phenomenal, nearly cosmic sense of direction?

Iago: We're lost.

Genie: (turns into an ice cream vendor; singing) I scream, you scream, we all scream for... frozen yoghurt! Fat free! We're on the cusp of bikini season, you know!

Aladdin: Another suggestion from the mind that brought us the short cut.

Genie: I know! Let's play a game. I spy with my little eye something that starts with S!

Iago: (landing on Genie's shoulder) Aaah! All of this cheery prattle is making my ears go numb!

Genie: Ears? (gives Iago a giant pair of ears) Oh, there they are!

Iago: My sanity is dangling by a thread and the genie's not helping! I vote we turn back now? What's the worst thing that could hap—

(Genie disappears out from under Iago, then reappears as a fortune teller with a crystal ball.)

Genie: I see tidal waves and typhoons, fevers and famines, pimples and papercuts!

(Iago and Abu advance toward Genie angrilly, holding icicles like daggers. Aladdin takes the icicles away from them.)

Aladdin: Calm down, guys. We're all a little edgy, but we've gotta stick together.

Genie: (as a male cheerleader) That's right, guys, we're a team! Team Aladdin! Let's hear it for the team! (honks a horn)

(The sound of the horn starts an avalanche, which is headed towards them.)

Aladdin: Oh, no!

Genie: Oops.

(A large piece of ice breaks beneath their feet, and they slide down the mountain on it, just ahead of the avalanche. They then crash headfirst into a snowbank.)

Aladdin: Genie, don't do that again.

Iago: Well, so much for going back the way we came.

Abu: Ooh! (points up at something)

Genie: (looking in the direction Abu pointed) Cool!

Aladdin: (shivering) I'd say freezing! (turns around) Wow!

(They are in front of a giant castle which blocks the entire valley.)

Genie: Whoa! What a place to put a castle!

(Genie walks up to the door, which has a doorknocker on it shaped like a gargoyle's head. He pulls out a map.)

Genie: Not exactly convenient to shopping and schools.

Aladdin: Genie, can you give us five minutes without clowning?

Genie: Sure! Say no more!

Aladdin: We can't go around, but maybe we can go through.

(Aladdin tries to use the gargoyle doorknocker, but, when he touches it, its eyes glow green and it hisses at him.)

Gargoyle: None may pass without the leave of the castle lord! And the mighty yeti lord Kutato may not be in a generous mood. (the door opens slowly) Enter if you dare.

Iago: Uh, I have a rule about doing anything that ends with the words "if you dare"!

Aladdin: So we sweet-talk the lord of the castle. How hard can that be?

Genie: Right! You date a princess, you hang with a sultan, you have a way with royalty!

Iago: (to the doorknocker) Uh, let's recap the "if you dare" thing.

(The door starts to close, and Iago barely makes it inside before it's shut.)

(They walk along a hall inside the castle. There are gargoyle head sculptures along the walls of the castle that look just like the doorknocker. Their eyes glow green as the group passes them.)

Aladdin: I feel like we're being watched.

Gargoyle: You are.

Iago: Does this concern anyone but me?

(There's a loud breathing sound coming from behind a large door.)

Aladdin: Is that... breathing?

(They open the door and look inside. There is a yeti sleeping on a comfortable chair in front of a fireplace.)

Aladdin: Think that's the castle lord?

Iago: Either that or the guy who at him.

Gargoyle: You are in the presence of the castle lord!

(The yeti stirs, then goes back to sleep.)

Aladdin: (waving nervously) Hi! Ahem! (bowing) Greetings, my lord! We, um, seek permission to pass through your castle?

(The yeti opens his eyes, glares at them, and starts stretching his claws one by one.)

Aladdin: Uh, see, we were heading back home from Odiferus and kinda got off track!

(The yeti slowly scratches the wall with his claws.)

Aladdin: Did he just cut through stone with his claws?

Genie: Correct.

Aladdin: You know, turning back doesn't sound too bad right now.

(They start to run out of the room, and Lord Kutato stands up and roars at them.)

Aladdin: Genie?

Genie: Want to am-scray?

Aladdin: Fast!

Genie: (as a hot air balloon) Throw the parrot overboard! He's weighing us down!

(Kutato looks confused.)

Aladdin: Genie, we aren't moving!

Genie: No problemo!

(Genie gives them all rollerblades. No one but Genie knows how to skate, so they all roll around the room uncontrollably. Kutato smiles.)

Aladdin: (falling down) Genie!

Genie: Ooh! Sorry, Al!

Aladdin: Genie, hurry!

Genie: Okay, one great escape coming right up!

(Genie is suddenly on a unicycle, and the others are balanced on a wooden chair balanced over his head.)

Aladdin: Genie!

(They all fall to the ground, and Kutato starts laughing.)

Aladdin: Genie, it's not funny!

Genie: I'm not laughing, Al!

(Kutato, still laughing, picks up Genie and gives him a noogie.)

Genie: He likes me! Hey, maybe we don't have to leave after all!

(A stage appears.)

Genie: (voice over) Let's give a cool arctic welcome to the ambassador of amusement, the hardest working man in wonderment, the magistrate of magic...

(The curtains open, revealing Genie wearing a striped suit.)

Genie: Genie! Thank you, thank you, thank you, ladies and snowmen. (dancing) Hey, this really wowed 'em in Babylon!

(Genie falls down, and we can see that it's not the "real" Genie, but a giant marionette that Genie is controlling from above. The Genie puppet is then taken away and replaced by Iago and Abu, who are dressed as jesters and are being controlled with strings like marionettes. Abu is holding a club.)

Genie: Hey, kids! It's the Punch and Moody show!

(Iago and Abu start fighting. Kutato laughs, and Genie comes up to him and fans out a deck of cards.)

Genie: Go on, take one. I'll guess it.

(Kutato picks a card and looks at it. It's the king of hearts with Genie's picture on it as the king.)

Genie: King of hearts! Am I right?

Genie (as the card): I'm just overflowing with love! (hearts fly everywhere) Ooh, this'll be a mess!

(Another Genie appears in the form of Cupid.)

Genie (Cupid): Not a problem! (starts shooting the hearts with arrows)

(Kutato watches all of this, smiling.)

Aladdin: Huh, he really loves Genie!

Iago: How sad, very sad. There's no helping the comedically-challenged.

(Setting: the castle exit, a short while later. Aladdin, Iago, and Abu are there.)

Gargoyle: Lord Kutato has granted you leave to pass through our gates.

(The door opens, revealing the valley on the other side of the castle. There is no snow; everything is green and lush.)

Aladdin: Wait, where's Genie?

(A fancy car drives up, the door opens, and a red carpet rolls out, with Genie at the end of it, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses.)

Genie: Yo, babe.

Aladdin: Kutato's letting us cut through the castle!

Genie: Haha! Al, whoa! I can't leave yet! I've got some sure-fire material to try out on his hairy-ship!

Aladdin: I don't know, Genie.

Iago: Kid, we can't stand in the way of top-draw family entertainment!

Genie: At least the yeti guy appreciates me.

Aladdin: We do too, Genie. You know that.

Abu: Yeah!

Aladdin: We're just not sure about him.

Genie: Hey, I'll catch up later! Right now, my number one fan demands an encore! (disappears)

(Aladdin and the others walk out of the castle, and the gate closes behind them.)

Iago: It's beautiful!

Aladdin: Yeah! It's like a whole new world on this side of the castle.

Iago: I meant no Genie! Listen to the quiet!

Aladdin: Yeah... I miss him already.

Iago: Oh, please, what do you miss exactly? His non-stop babble? Or maybe you miss his magical fiascos, like, say, an avalanche, to cite a recent example?

Abu: Yeah!

Aladdin: Genie can get out of hand—

Iago: Look, he's found a sucker who actually likes his hocus-jokus! Let him enjoy it and give us a break! We'll see him again all too soon.

Aladdin: You're right, Iago. Genie's probably having a great time. He'll catch up.

(They walk away.)

(Setting: inside the castle. Kutato is still watching Genie.)

Genie: (as a trapeze artist) I fly through the air with the greatest of ease! Oops! I forgot this was a solo act! (falls)

(Genie turns into a basketball player and the basketball he is dribbling.)

Genie (basketball): Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

(Genie slam dunks the basketball, then turns into a hula dancer and sings in faux-Hawaiian.)

Genie: Big finish! (decorates the room in a Hawaiian theme) Welcome to the enchanted genie room!

(Kutato laughs and claps, then all the decorations disappear.)

Genie: You've been a super, fantabulous audience. It's been metaphysical, I really mean it. (hands Kutato an autographed photo) Now, before I catch up with my pals, I'd...

(Kutato walks towards him carrying a giant glass bottle.)

Genie: Just... like... to... say... Uh oh.

(Kutato traps Genie in the bottle.)

Genie: So then, the big hairy monster says, "that genie is so much fun, I oughta have him bottled."

(Setting: The valley beyond the castle. Aladdin, Abu, and Iago are walking along a road.)

Aladdin: I really thought Genie would join us by now. (takes out the lamp) I'd better tell him to hurry up.

Iago: No, please! Let the peace and quiet last a little longer!

Aladdin: Sorry, Iago. Quiet time is over. (rubs the lamp)

(Setting: the castle. Kutato is watching Genie inside the bottle.)

Genie: (as a French maid holding a cat) But monsieur, if this is the cat, where is the lobster?

(Another Genie runs past with a lobster hanging from his nose.)

Genie: My face! Get it off my face!

(Kutato thumps his armrest with his fist. There's what looks like static inside the bottle, as if the channel is changing. Genie turns into a salesman.)

Genie: The Copenhagen formula actually reduces male pattern stupidity!

(Kutato thumps his fist again, and the "channel" changes. Genie turns into a baseball player.)

Genie: (voice over) Holy cow! It's a towering homer for the plucky young rookie from Agrabah!

(Setting: Outside)

Aladdin: Where is he?

Iago: See? He's having a good time! Why rain on his parade?

Aladdin: (rubbing the lamp) Genie always comes when I call him! Something's wrong.

(Setting: inside the castle. Kutato changes the "channel" repeatedly, and Genie turns into a cowboy, Bonkers, a housewife, a cow, the Godfather, a pirate, and then back to his normal self.)

Genie: Please, please! No more! I'm exhausted!

(Kutato scowls at him, roars, and thumps his armrest again.)

(Setting: outside)

Aladdin: Come on, we've gotta go back.

Iago: Go back? No way! Okay, hypothetically speaking, what if it was me? Would you leave me behind?

(Aladdin and Abu have already started back towards the castle.)

Iago: Hey, you're leaving me behind! It was a hypothetical question! (follows them)

(Setting: the castle)

Genie: Gee, Kutato! Thanks for letting me go! (turns into Kutato) Well, I learned my lesson, Genie. The best way to keep a friend is to set him free. Aw, you're the best friend ever.

(Kutato looks confused.)

Genie: If you'd like to learn more about letting genies go, your local library suggests "Let My Genie Go", by Frieda Genie, "Trapped Genie, Scared Genie", and "101 Other Uses for Big Bottles"!

(Kutato growls and pounds his fist repeatedly.)

(Setting: Outside the castle. Aladdin and the others have just got back to the castle door.)

Iago: I just wanna go on record as saying, I don't wanna do this!

Aladdin: We would like to enter the castle!

Gargoyle: (laughs) Enter the castle? This is the exit!

Iago: (imitating the gargoyle's voice) "This is the exit!" Jerkface doorknocker.

Aladdin: Let us in! We wanna see Genie!

Gargoyle: None shall enter!

Aladdin: (trying to force the door open) Come on! Open! There's gotta be another way to get inside. (looks up and sees a tower with a window) There!

Iago: Sure, but how are you planning on getting up there?

Aladdin: (pulls a rope out of his backpack) With this. (offers the rope to Iago)

Iago: Oh, no, no. No way.

Aladdin: Iago!

Iago: You're not gettin' me up there! It's way too high!

Aladdin: (rolling his eyes) There's no use talking to him until he's finished.

Iago: ...hollow bone in my body! Then where would I be? Just forget it!

Aladdin: Iago, you can fly.

Iago: Oh. Right. (takes the end of the rope and flies toward the window)

(Setting: inside the castle)

Genie: (imitating Jerry Lewis) Let's see where we stand. Hit me! (a scoreboard shows $10,000)Ten thousand laughs in just the last hour?! (changing back to normal) Isn't that enough? I fractured my funnybone for you! There's no more giggles, gags, or guffaws left in me! Please, your hairy-ship, let me go!

(Kutato jumps up and down and grunts.)

Genie: But I haven't any more to give! I've given 'till it hurts! Can' you see I'm wasting away?!

(Kutato holds the bottle up near his face. Genie turns into Shakespeare.)

Genie: You know, in the theater we have a saying: the show must go on! And on, and on, and on...

(Setting: Outside. Aladdin climbs the rope up to the tower window, with Abu clinging to his head. They reach the top and climb inside.)

Iago: You know, the power of flight takes the fear right out of these stunts.

Aladdin: Okay, Abu, you can let go! (pries Abu off)

Iago: I suppose this was the easy part.

Aladdin: You're probably right.

Iago: Sarcasm is really lost on him.

(Setting: Kutato's room. Genie is in the form of a diver who is being chased in circles by a shark. Kutato laughs. Aladdin and the others are watching from the hallway.)

Aladdin: You guys create a distraction, I'll free Genie. (runs out into the room)

Iago: That big goon's got his eyes glued to the genie. How can we get his attention?

(The eyes of a gargoyle behind them start to glow.)

Gargoyle: Lord Kutato! Lord Kutato!

Iago: (imitating the gargoyle's voice) Lord Kutato, there's, uh, a delivery.

(Iago and Abu are covering the gargoyle's mouth.)

Iago: You've been selected to test out the new turbo genie! Yes, faster and funnier than those everyday genies!

Genie: Oh, yeah, just call me last year's model! Mister obsolete!

(Kutato walks out of the room. Aladdin climbs to the top of the bottle.)

Genie: Al, you're a sight for sore eyes!

Aladdin: Hey, I couldn't leave my best bud behind.

Genie: My captive audience sort of made me the captive one.

Iago: Come on! That hairy lummox will be back any second!

(Aladdin pulls the cork out of the bottle.)

Genie: Thanks, Al!

(Kutato comes back into the room.)

Genie: Look out! It's Lord Couch Potato!

(Kutato throws the bottle at them, but misses. Aladdin runs over the the fireplace and grabs a poker, then uses it to pole vault over Kutato's head and towards the stairwell.)

Aladdin: Hurry, this way!

(They all run up the stairs, with Kutato right behind them.)

Iago: Faster! He's really ticked now!

(They reach the room where they climbed inside, close the door and bar it.)

Aladdin: Barricade the door!

Iago: With what?

Aladdin: (looking out the window) Too far to jump.

Iago: Lucky I can fly. Should I tell the princess you loved her?

Genie: The bird's not the only one who can fly! Hang on! (turns into a hangglider)

Aladdin: All right!

(Kutato knocks down the door, but they glide out the window just in time, heading back towards the snowy side of the castle.)

Genie: (wobbling) Whoa! I don't know how Carpet makes it look so easy!

Aladdin: Learn fast, Genie!

Iago: Aah! It's too windy! Too windy! (is blown backwards)

Genie: Yipes!

(They all fall out of the sky and land in deep snow.)

Aladdin: (to Iago) I thought you could fly.

Iago: You I'm not talking to.

(Kutato looks out of the window and roars.)

Aladdin: (laughs) He's stuck in the house! What's the matter? Lose your genie?

(Kutato bursts through the wall of the tower.)

Aladdin: (nervous) That was thick stone!

(Kutato lands in the snow next to them. Genie turns into a snowmobile.)

Genie: Hop on!

(They ride the snowmobile away, but Kutato is right behind them.)

Aladdin: Genie! He's gaining!

Genie: I'll put a hurdle in his path!

(Three hurdles appear in front of Kutato; he busts through all of them, not slowed down at all.)

Genie: Whoopsie. Well, at least he's finally getting some exercise.

(They're headed towards a fallen tree.)

Aladdin: Genie!

(They duck under the tree. Kutato jumps over it, and when he lands he starts sliding after them, sledding down the mountain on his belly and laughing. The snowmobile reaches the edge of a cliff.)

Genie: Everybody, scream!

(They all land safely in deep snow.)

Genie: Deja vu!

(Kutato has caught up with them, but all he does is stand over them and smile.)

Genie: You know, aside from the menacing moments, you've been fun. (as a male cheerleader)Ra ra ra! Sis-boom-betty! Let's hear it for my pal yeti!

(Genie blows a trumpet, and there's another avalanche, which buries Kutato.)

Aladdin: (shocked) Wow, Genie, you really got him!

Genie: (sadly) Yes. He was big, he was hairy, he was unkempt, but, man oh man, could he laugh.

(Kutato bursts out of the fallen snow, laughing.)

Aladdin: He enjoyed the chase! I think he had fun!

Iago: That was fun?

Aladdin: I have a feeling that this abominable snowman hasn't been outside the castle for a long, long time.

Iago: That would explain his taste for the abominable showman here!

(Kutato is rolling a giant snowball.)

Genie: Look, he's enteraining himself! (appears in front of Kutato, holding cards) And speaking of entertainment, pick one!

(Kutato moves Genie out of his way, then continues rolling his snowball.)

Genie: Gee, that was always his favorite! I guess he doesn't need me anymore.

Aladdin: We need you, Genie. Boy, it was a boring hike without you.

Iago: The worst part is he actually means it!

Genie: Aw, Al, you're just saying that. I know I got carried away. Sorry for being such a ham! (turns into a pig, holding a skull like Hamlet)

Aladdin: Forget about it. You were just being... you.

Genie: I won't do that again! You can bank on that!

(As they walk away, Kutato finishes building a snowman shaped like Genie.)

THE END