Familyland

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA This is the story of, the familiest place on Earth. Just like the sign says. Why did I have to read that? Can't the audience read it? Oh, they can't. Right. It's gonna be so great to finally spend some time as a family. It seems like we never get to do that anymore. What are you talking about? You're forgetting our five-week run as champions on Family Feud. Five weeks? That was all shot in one afternoon. Shh. That's a TV secret. All I'm saying is that last time we came here was one of the best days this family's had together. Look how happy we were. Francine, they don't care. They're all on their mobile devices. They're in their own world. You're right. Stan, can you please tell them to put down their iPads for a second? Francine, I'm trying to concentrate on the road. And I'm on my last lap. Whatever. Mom's cinnamon cookies! Terrific. No one cares about me, they just care about my cookies. I don't even care about your cookies. We're at the one place in all the world where you can get Trippin' Balls-- tiny pellets of futuristic ice cream. Hey, guys, let's all sing the Trippin' Balls song. Trip, trip, trippity, dem ol' Trippin' Balls. Paul Anka wrote that in a night. In a night. Smith. Sir, what are you doing here? Yeah, Avery, shouldn't you be here with your family? I don't have a family. What about that Indian baby you have sometimes? This isn't one of those times. But I am a family-phile. I have a fetish for family things. I know the word "fetish" makes it sound sexual. Which is good, because it is. I see you're all together. Oh, look! It's Mikey Muskrat and the founder of the park, Roy Family. Wasn't Roy Family a total weirdo? Yep, I heard he was cryogenically frozen somewhere in the park and that he used to have two tamed caterpillars as a mustache. Are you sure you're not talking about Walt Disney? Who? Oh, my God, it smells so yummy around here. Ugh, yeah, they pump in pleasant smells to make you happier and want to buy things. You're such a cynic. Okay, everybody, what should we do first? I know what I'm doing. Straight to Cartoon City. It's where Mikey Muskrat and all of his cartoon pals go about their daily lives. They live, they laugh, they love, they learn. They're just like us, really. Except they don't bleed, and most of them wear bow ties and gloves but not pants. Forget Cartoon City. I'm gonna go to Wild Wild West World and ride Brokeback Splash Mountain. It's just one long, dark tunnel where anything can happen. I vote Outer Space Land. Can you picture what these idiots think space looks like? It's gonna be Ground Control to Major Lame. Oh. I guess that was kinda lame. Yeah? Well, I'm going to Fairytale Land to teach little girls that princesses are an outdated stereotype perpetuated by a male-dominated society. Well, good news. There's time for us to do everything together. We can start in Cartoon City, and then head over to Simpler Times Mountain for our picnic lunch at noon, just like we did last time. Hey, where did everybody go? They ditched you, Franny. But not me. I just rudely walked away as you were talking. You did? When did you Oh, I get it. Hey, you're cutting! How about I show you what real cutting is, huh? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. Can you speak into my microphone? Whoa, things just got real. Oh, boy, looks like cartoon rush hour is just kicking in. I want to be a princess like you when I grow up. Well, then you just find the best looking boy you can and do whatever he says. Don't listen to her. You don't need a boy to define your identity. You're a strong, independent girl. Seriously, whatever he says. Even if it's something you think shouldn't be asked of a princess. Because he'll find a princess who will. Out of my way, people! I'm here to laugh at how cheesy Outer Space Land is. Oh my God. They got it exactly right. Just like the flying cars on tracks at home. Get outta town, you jezebel! It's 1:00. No one showed up for lunch. Some family vacation this is. Well, at least we're together. Yeah, and they just unload you on me. Real great park, Roy. Familyland, my ass. Whoa, you're the guy from the statue! This isn't Familyland. Gluttony. Selfishness. Ugh! It's become something sick and perverted. Shut it down. Shut it all down. Hey, you're the boss. Attention Familyland patrons, Familyland is temporarily closed. Forever. What's happening? Relax, Francine. It's just a show. This is not a show. Familyland is now a prison. You will die here. Oh, look at that. This is definitely a show. Honey, get up. The talking fist says it's a show. Honey? No! I-It's a show. And so, the Great Wall rose and Familyland was thrown into chaos. And the people lost all semblance of civilization. Get 'im! Resources were scarce and tempers flared as the kingdom hovered on the brink of war. Out of the chaos, four kings rose to power. In the north, the Tween King and his army of whiny turds. To the east, the Feminist Queen and her army of splay-legged princesses. In the south, a strange-headed man leads an army of futuristic astronauts that are also somehow old-timey. And to the west, the Cowboy King, Black Stan and the Italian Stallions. Was there anything else? Let's see, Francine and Klaus are tooling around the park, but you'll see them. Yep, I think that covers it. All right, talk to you next time there's something to explain. Four kings. Not so fast. All evens. Two, four, six, eight and ten. Bear, play my favorite song! Trip, trip, trippity, dem ol' Trippin' Balls Trip, trip, trippity, dem ol' Trippin' Balls Damn it, Roger's been playing that on a loop all day. Time to teach him a lesson. Let's ride. Trip, trip, trippity, dem ol' Trippin' Balls Can I help you with something? You know why I'm here. You've been playing that jingle day and night. I can't hear my piano bear. Sure, Stan, I'll happily shut the music off. If you give me half your supply of Trippin' Balls. Yeah, right. I'll give you a little time to reconsider my offer. But know that if you refuse, the music will never stop. Trip, trip, trippity, dem ol' Trippin' Balls Have you had time to reconsider? Oops, we overshot. Hold on. L-Let me get this to back up. Excuse me, can you back me up a bit? Ugh, there's no reverse on this thing. We're gonna have to do another full rotation. Sit tight, Standy. Do you want to see me dance, sire? No, not really. Are you sure? Because it looks something like this. Zoo zoo, zoo zooby, zooby zoo. You disrupted the king's pleasurable dance. Guards, kill him! It's fine. Let him speak. Kill him later, got it. My king, I've returned from my raid on Fairytale Land. I bring you churros. Churros to last a week. These are days old! And you've brought no dipping sauce! Can we can kill him now? I don't want you to think it's the only thing I'm focused on, but it's all I can think about. Oh, I remember this ride. It was one of the kids' favorites. It looks abandoned. Maybe we can hide out here until everyone comes to their senses. Great idea. I wonder why they closed this. I remember it being very popular. Well, no one's here. Let's give it a whirl. Hello, I'm Pappy Van Pappy. I'd like to tell you a story about a rabbit I owned that ran away. The rabbit's a metaphor. For a slave. Ain't that right, Floppy Rabbit? Hmm. This ride may be a bit dated. Well, it certainly has my attention. And that's when I realized I like working on farms for free. Bye, everybody! Wow. of uninterrupted racism. Yeah, if you don't count all of your horrified gasps as interruptions. I wonder where that elevator goes. Well, there's only one way to find out. Hello, Francine. Roy Family? But-but you Was frozen? You're right, I were. But now I wasn't. Attention denizens of Familyland. Now, times are trying and rations run low, and I'm sure all of you'd really like to go home. Which is why Uncle Roy's decided to let the last army standing walk out the front door. I'm gonna kill the last army standing, too. I just wanted to say I am a big fan of Simpler Times Mountain. I don't understand. You trapped us in the park so you could watch us all kill each other? And-and why were you frozen for 30 years? Answer that last one first. Try not to tell me what to do. I built Familyland to be an Eden, and I wanted to see it come to fruition. So I froze my body, but not my mind, right in the center of the park. That way, I could watch it all happen. You were conscious that whole time? Oh, yeah, it was awful. And I had to watch what happened to my creation. My park. Tainted by people who don't appreciate the value of family. So, since they destroyed my dreams, they can destroy each other. But but I appreciate family. That has to count for something. It does, Francine. You and I are of a kind. Which is why we're going to watch the blood blath together. Did you just say "blath"? My tongue's been frozen for 30 years. But don't worry, it'll thaw out. Today, we go from tweens to teens! Today, we fight for respect! If we fight hard enough, will we get husbands? No! Ugh, okay, I'll explain this one more time. Are there going to be casualties? Maybe. But we're mostly grown men, and one of the armies is entirely made up of children. I don't want to jinx it, but I like our chances of going completely casualty-free. Okay, I just realized your laser guns aren't real. So I have a new strategy, and you're just gonna have to trust me on this. Die for me. Die for me. Okay? Any questions? No questions, good. Nice, isn't it? This is where we'll live, Francine, and you'll have all the love and respect a woman like you deserves. What makes you think I'd ever marry you? Marry? Listen to her. Captive for a half an hour and already trying to flip it on me. Sorry, this guy can't be caught, but I encourage you to try. So why don't you get going on some dinner. But you just said you couldn't be caught. And then I encouraged you to try. I'll be in the control room watching your family kill each other. Klaus, we have to do something. They're all gonna kill each other. Wait, what are all these fans? Look. Hayley was right. This is how they send smells out into the park to get you to buy things. That's it. Hey, Roy, do you have cinnamon? I want to make some cookies. Oh, my God, would you leave me alone?! That's right, kill each other. What's that smell? Cinnamon. Are a-are those Mom's cookies? I don't know, but i-it smells like Home. Home. Michael Chiklis. It's coming from up there. They stopped fighting. What did you do? I baked my ass off. Francine! We smelled your cookies! You made us remember, Mom. I'm so glad you guys are here! That man, Roy Family, h-he took me hostage, he-he made me iron his pants. I don't care who you are. Francine only irons one person's pants, and that's all of ours. Well done. What? You're why I built Familyland. I wanted a place where families would find their way back together. You were broken, but, Francine, you showed me that the Smith family is worthy. Wait, Smith. That's not Jewish, is it? Then yes, you are indeed a worthy family. And, um, here. Here is your reward. Ooh, lifetime passes. It was worth it! It was all worth it! What will you do now? Leave your family. Come live with me forever. We'll get an apartment. What? No. Then I shall return to my slumber, until I'm awakened again by another family's strife. Oh, wait, I got to go to the bathr There are a lot of blackout dates on these lifetime passes. So, are we just gonna ignore all the truly horrible things that took place in the last week? Gosh, Francine, I think we are. And that was the last time Familyland was visited by the Smith family. Or any family, for that matter, as it was closed immediately under a mountain of lawsuits. In its place stands a memorial wall for the fallen. As for me, I was never heard from again. But some say they still see me in the park. Zoo zoo, zoo zooby, zooby zoo.