Patrick SmartPants

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Patrick SmartPants" from season 4, which aired on October 21, 2005.

Plot
(SpongeBob & Patrick are running through Jellyfish Fields laughing trying to capture jellyfish)

Patrick: (pokes SpongeBob) You're it. (both laugh)

SpongeBob: (pokes Patrick) You're it. (both laugh. Patrick runs off) Wait, Pat, you're it! (notices a sign a few yards away) The sign!

Patrick: Huh? (tries to read it as he is running) Danger... (falls off the cliff) cliff!

SpongeBob: Patrick! (runs down the cliff to Patrick) Let me help you out of there, buddy! (grabs a starfish shaped head out of the ground. When he notices its just a head, he screams) Is the rest of you down there?

Patrick: (walks up to SpongeBob with no head attached to his body) The rest of me is up here.

SpongeBob: Whew, you had me worried there, buddy. (laughs) Here's your head. (attaches the head onto Patrick and laughs. Picture of inside Patrick's head shows a plug--plugging into an outlet. Gears & Cranks start up. Patrick gets a spark or two from his head)

Patrick: I find all this laughter to be highly illogical.

SpongeBob: Well, let's stop laughin' and start fishing'! (takes out two jellyfish nets. Hands a net to Patrick) Go ahead, you get first crack.

Patrick: (jellyfish floats by) Look at them. These graceful stoic creatures of the deep.

SpongeBob: Huh? Those are some big words, Pat. I've never heard you use them before.

Patrick: Nonsense, my vocabulary is infinitely expanding.

SpongeBob: Well, let's expand our jellyfish nets. C'mon, Patrick. (captures a jellyfish) Look buddy, I captured one!

Patrick: Yes...I captured one as well without disturbing its delicate ecosystem. It is wrong to harness nature in such a barbaric manner.

SpongeBob: Ok...what do you wanna do?

Patrick: Let us go off and admire the beauty and fragility of nature.

SpongeBob: Pretty.

Patrick: Yes, quite.

SpongeBob: Fragile.

Patrick: Indeed.

SpongeBob: (jumps at Patrick 3 times) C'mon Patrick, let's do something fun.

Patrick: Oh, you want to run some statistics or observe phenomenon and render hypothesis of said phenomenon?

SpongeBob: I was thinking more like jumping rope, 1-legged races, or duck-duck-hermit crab. (jumps into a hermit-crab shell and blows bubbles)

Patrick: Doesn't feel like fun.

SpongeBob: How about some jokes? (Patrick sighs) Patrick, what's the difference between a guitar and a jellyfish?

Patrick: You can't strum a jellyfish.

SpongeBob: Yes! (laughs. Patrick grabs a jellyfish and strums its tentacles)

Patrick: Oh my, look at the time. I really must be going. (walks off)

SpongeBob: What's wrong with Patrick? I sure hope he gets better soon. (at Patrick's house where Patrick is doing some scientific work) Are you better, Pat? Uhh, whatcha doing?

Patrick: Just studying this amazing sub-species.

Plankton: (through a telescope) I'll show you subspecies.

SpongeBob: Wanna visit Squidward?

Patrick: Well, since I am finished with my work I'll humor you with your trivial pursuits. (now at Squidward's house where Squidward is playing his clarinet) I'd recognize that piece anywhere! Cornelius Pofferfish's Opus 67 symphony in blue.

Squidward: Patrick?

Patrick: It's a beautiful piece. Execution needs some work. (walks over to the piano) May I suggest on the 7th bar of the adagio andante that you add a little fortissimo on the arpeggiated b-flat scale.

Squidward: Wow, I never thought to do it like that.

Patrick: Well, that is because you rarely think.

SpongeBob: How do you know so much about music?

Patrick: A creative outlet provides a spiritual release and helps facilitate a healthy mental balance. (inhales) Ah.

SpongeBob: Does that include... (burps)belch-talk-ing?

Patrick: Mr. SquarePants, I find your humor vulgar.

Squidward: I had no idea you were so knowledgeable, Patrick. Do you think you can be my musical mentor?

SpongeBob: Uhh, guys?

Patrick: Let's take it from the top. (Squidward plays, badly) Not so excellent, Squidward. Let me demonstrate the proper technique. (looks at clarinet with spit covered all over the mouth piece) On second thought, practice makes perfect. Let's begin. (SpongeBob comes up playing his musical nose as a flute) Thank you, my good chap. Unfortunately, this is a solo piece for clarinet only. And 1, 2, 3, 4... (Squidward plays more. SpongeBob frowns and walks out) Stop! Enough! (walks out) Find yourself a new mentor!!

SpongeBob: Now that you have some free-time, let's get some grub.

Patrick: No, SpongeBob, I'm afraid not.

SpongeBob: Well, I have a brand new bottle of super-bubbly bubble soap. (blows a bubble that pops on Patrick's face)

Patrick: No, thanks again.

SpongeBob: Well, maybe later we can play pirates.

Patrick: Robert, my dear, it's no use. We've just grown apart.

SpongeBob: What? What do you mean?

Patrick: I know we've had fun in the past but we're just not compatible anymore. It's time we went our separate ways...such is life.

SpongeBob: But Patrick, you're my best friend.

Patrick: I know it's hard but brace up chap.

SpongeBob: Yeah.

Patrick: Maybe our paths will cross again someday. Think fondly of me, Mr. SquarePants.

SpongeBob: Goodbye, Mr... Best friend! (at Sandy's treedome. SpongeBob rings her doorbell) Sandy, you there? I need some professional help. (Sandy and Patrick are heard laughing inside) Patrick?

Sandy: Well, Pat, the new you gets an A+.

Patrick: Why, thank you, Sandra. I find your intellect rather stimulating as well.

Sandy: Oh, really? Well, thanks. (at a chalkboard with an equation on it) Well, Patrick, what do you think about this problem?

Patrick: (changes formula) You simply change the literal term to a coefficient and the minuend will achieve the desired quotient. Even the simplest of mammals can figure it out with a little thought.

Sandy: What do you mean by that, Patrick?

Patrick: I'm merely suggesting you lack the ability to solve remedial equations.

Sandy: Are you suggesting I'm dumb?

Patrick: I'd use a more sophisticated word like 'impaired'.

Sandy: I think you'd better leave.

Patrick: I was only trying to help. (walks off)

Sandy: I don't need your kind of help, Mr. know-it-all. I liked you better when you were a barnacle head!

SpongeBob: (sitting on his chair at home crying) I never thought I'd lose my best friend. How can I compete with geniusness?

Patrick: (sitting on his chair at home) Surrounded by knowledge and no one to share it with. No one I can call friend. Who's that old chap I used to run with? (notices a book on the table next to him called 'MY FRIEND SPONGEBOB') SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: (looks at his 'MY FRIEND PATRICK' book) Well, at least Patrick's my friend in my memories.

Patrick: Aww, the glory days, why have we grown apart? I must apply all that I know to solve this problem! (looks at x-rays of him & SpongeBob's head, meditates on top of his rock, studies Squidward, reads book) What could it be? (applies a chemical on his head and grows hair) What's different? Ah! (tears out his hair) What?! I'd do anything to have my old buddy back by my side again!

SpongeBob: (doorbell rings) Coming... (opens door and gets kidnapped in a jellyfish net by Patrick) Patrick, you're kidnapping me?

Patrick: Yes, I am.

SpongeBob: Yay! (jumps out of the net and writes "yippie" in the air with bubble soap) What should we do?

Patrick: We are going to have fun. Whatever the cost may be.

SpongeBob: Let's do this.

Patrick: Yes, let's have some fun.

SpongeBob: (jumping around) Oh, yeah!

Patrick: (jumping around) Oh, absolutely! (now riding on a shell down a mountain) Are you quite sure I found this activity to be fun?

SpongeBob: Yeah. (screams with enjoyment. Shell lunges them into the sand) That was fun, huh Patrick?

Patrick: (Swallows a mouth-full of sand) When did the fun go away, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: It went away when you jumped off that cliff and knocked your head clean off.

Patrick: That's it! (runs off)

SpongeBob: That's what? Patrick, what are doing?

Patrick: I'm going to duplicate my actions from that day to ascertain the origin of my head! (falls off cliff)

SpongeBob: Patrick! Hold on, buddy! (takes Patrick out of the ground) There ya go. (notices he has no head and screams) Don't worry, Patrick. I found your head last time, I'll find it again! (searches around some coral) Not back there. (checks under a rock) Not under here. What if I can't find it? Oh pore headless Patrick?! (turns around and runs into Patrick making his head pop out) Patrick, you're head is back! But, uhh, do you feel different?

Patrick: Quite unchanged, actually.

SpongeBob: I guess we'll never have fun together again.

Patrick: You said you found my dislodged cranial cap last time.

SpongeBob: Yes.

Patrick: Where exactly did you find it?

SpongeBob: Uhh, it was right here.

Patrick: Hmmm, impossible! If I landed here the trajectory of my dismembered skull would cause it to come to rest, not there, but here, exactly 5 meters due north.

SpongeBob: But if that's your head, then what did I pick up over... (sign says 'Brain Coral Field') brain coral! No wonder you got so smart, buddy. (blows off the poison sea urchins off Patrick's head) Here you go, Patrick, your old head. Are you sure you want to give up being smart and phosisticated to be my friend again?

Patrick: Knowledge can never replace friendship. I prefer to be an idiot!

SpongeBob: Not just an idiot, Patrick. You're also my pal. (takes off Patrick's head and puts his old one back on) Patrick? Say something, Patrick.

Patrick: (burps) Hi, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Patrick, you're back!

Patrick: Patrick, you're back. (both laugh, then pull out their jellyfish nets, make oo-loo-loo sounds, and run off into the sunset)