The Deepening

Shh.

So, Mort, you ordered a small?

How small was it?

What?

Sorry, I'm taking a stand-up comedy class.

I think I did something wrong.

I thought it was funny.

Ugh, the ice cream machine's stuck again.

Hey, Mort, you're getting a free medium-- a free large-- a free extra large.

Oh.

You got to hit it just right, Dad.

I said just right!

Okay, kids, only one thing to do: ice cream for brunch.

Teddy: Yay! Yeah, all right!

Yay, free ice cream!

Yeah.

Let's just unplug it.

Reach behind there and grab the plug.

I found my retainer.

Linda: You don't wear a retainer.

Oh, God, you're right!

Get it out of my mouth!

Never mind, I got it.

Aw.

(door opens, bell jingles)

Hi, Hugo, hope you're not here for ice cream.

I'm lactose intolerant, Linda.

Oh.

I'm also intolerant of that suspicious-looking bicycle outside, Bob.

Uh, why are you telling me?

Maybe it's because you're the block captain.

But you don't even live on this block.

Well, I live in the quadrant and I happen to be the quadrant captain.

Quadrant captain-- did you make that up?

Did I make up these quadrant captain business cards?

Why would you do that?

I didn't actually mean to.

Well, pick them up.

No, now stand down.

That bike has been there for 24 hours and the seat's missing.

It's clearly abandoned.

Fine, I'll take care of it.

Don't be block-cocky, Bob, just do it.

Jerk.

Gene: Nailed him.

You trying to steal my bike?

No, someone thought it was, um.

It's mine.

Want to see the receipt?

(farts)

That's not a receipt.

Where do you shop?

I really thought being block captain would be more fun, like I'd have a gun or a Taser or something.

All I get is this whistle.

Don't knock the whistle.

Whistles stop hundreds of crimes every year.

And thousands of basketball plays.

And they make dolphins jump out of the water and eat fish.

Dad, you could do that.

Bob, I recall you raise either chinchillas or children.

Which is it?

Uh, children.

Good.

I'm focus-testing some ideas.

I need a new blockbuster attraction at Wonder Wharf.

Why don't you focus-test with the kids down at Wonder Wharf?

Those sheep?

I've already got their money.

Besides, these children are a perfect cross-section of American youth.

Yeah-- boy, girl, and Tina.

I'm a tastemaker.

When I talk, people listen.

Guys?

Mr. Fischoeder, we're adrenaline junkies.

Oh.

We like our rides pure, uncut, and assembled in "Méjico."

I want something coming out of here, here, and/or here.

The three-hole standard of excellence.

Wait, walk me through the holes again.

Let me throw some concepts at you.

A bounce house full of jelly.

Jam Slam!

Try chutney.

Keep pitching, Barnum.

Scare-ousel-- a carousel where you ride on real horse skeletons.

You had me at "horse" but lost me at "horse skeletons."

You know, if you're looking for an attraction, this town actually has some interesting movie history.

Hog Wash!

Not you, Bob, it's an idea.

Slide with the hogs.

That's not bad.

Yeah, well, seriously, in the '80s, they shot one of those shark movies right here in town--

The Deepening 3.

Oh, yeah, in 3-D.

Right, The Deepening 3D-eeepening.

Oh, that shark made me so scared of the water, I spent the whole summer standing up to pee.

(chuckles) Then I got into the habit.

I like it.

There's your attraction.

Teddy, you remember The Deepening, right?

Remember it?

I was in it.

Some of us locals worked on that movie.

I was Handsome Lifeguard #3.

Really?

Seriously?

Yeah, what?

It's just, uh, you know, we're looking at the "after."

It's kind of hard to picture the "before."

Bob.

Louise: Guys, the shark is for sale.

What?! The shark?

A prop house is selling the actual mechanical shark and they're ready to deal.

The actual shark?

Oh, wow, Mr. Fischoeder, you've got to get that shark.

Teddy: Nah, don't, no, come on.

Teddy, yes.

You worked on the movie, you should be excited about this.

Yeah, but just not that shark.

Why, Teddy?

I don't want to talk about it.

Okay, that's one vote for yes and one cryptic vote for no.

Let's run it past the focus group.

Five-holer-- nostrils, too.

Sounds like a winner.

Noooo!

Teddy, what is wrong with you?

Uh, this ketchup is empty.

Can I get a new ketchup, please?

Mort: Some actor, this shark, a real ham.

He chewed more scenery than Nicolas Cage.

He really chewed it... with his shark teeth.

(mic feedback screeches)

Ha-ha-ha!

(forced laughter)

Ha, ha, ha!

Louise, stop.

Mort the mortician, everybody.

Hey, I see Bob Belcher.

All this was his idea.

I know what you're thinking.

That guy?

Yes, the guy with the, uh, food place.

Thank you.

It's a restaurant.

It's called Bob's...

Now... please welcome champion water skier and shark attack survivor Kristi Sanducci.

I'd like to thank the jackass who got the left-handed scissors.

Kristi Sanducci.

Always professional.

Now, the real star of The Deepening 3D-eeepening-- the... shark.

Bob: Whoo-hoo, shark, yeah!

Linda: Ugh, someone has not aged well.

What a butterface.

We've filled her up with diesel, now let's see what she can do.

(mechanical clicking)

Tina: It's waving at us.

Hi.

So that one does that.

Let's see what this one does.

(yells)

Yes!

Thank you, God.

Woop, wrong one...

(stammering)... oh, here we...

Oh, boy.

Yes, yes, all part of the fun.

Can someone pass my arm back up here?

Give me that, Louise-- we've got to give it back.

No way! I caught it!

It's like the bouquet at a wedding.

I'm going to get bit next!

You having fun?

I wasn't-- I...

(grunts) Ow.

Wow, she's good with that thing.

She can do that and park anywhere she wants.

(sighs)

And so it begins.

Why are we watching a movie about a fake shark when we could be at Wonder Wharf standing next to the real fake shark?

Because this is how I want to remember the shark-- in its prime, scaring the crap out of Linda Blair.

Fischoeder is crazy to keep that thing going.

After what happened to that girl's arm and that lady's poor dog and that guy's balls-- you know, the juggler.

Oh, yeah, Fischoeder's crazy to keep it going with all those people lining up, paying to see it, buying souvenirs.

Nothing good can come from that shark.

It's evil.

Oh, there I am again.

That's me in the red, white, and blue trunks.

What's everybody looking at?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Your body.

Oh, my God, Linda Blair's boobs just popped out of her wet suit.

Ooh! They're comin' at ya!

Huh, this movie's a little bluer than I remember.

Let's get to a good part.

(funky soundtrack playing)

Outdoor shower scene-- no.

Yes.

Topless car wash.

Yes.

Tina, no.

Nude hot tub-- no.

Yes.

Oh, okay, here's some good clean shark.

No.

See that surfer getting eaten?

I made out with her.

She had her movie makeup on.

Fake organs were coming out of her side.

Pretty weird.

The '80s-- am I right?

You are not wrong.

Why is the shark attacking that submarine?

The CIA is training sharks to attack Soviet subs, and they're holding the shark's baby hostage in the nude hot tub.

So the shark isn't bad; she's just protecting her baby.

She's misunderstood.

She just needs a friend.

(soulful '80s-era pop ballad melody playing)

(deep belching)

It doesn't want to be here.

This is exploitation.

I'll show you exploitation.

Go up there and get me that fin.

You want her fin?

I've got a guy.

He wants it packed in ice and on the next plane.

Why does he want a mechanical shark fin?

Mechanical shark fin soup.

Mmm, that does sound good.

Don't cut off her fin.

It's her best feature.

God, Tina, it'll grow back.

Oh, yeah, cut it off.

I'm bare-backing a shark.

Come on, Gene, chop-chop with the chop-chop.

Whoa, it's tippy!

Aah, no, Gene, get the fin!

(screams)

(Gene grunting)

Are we safe here?

Of course!

It's safety tape.

They can't just call it that if it's...

Aah!

Aah!

Run, shark, run.

We set it free.

No, we didn't, we were never here.

But we were.

Remember right now?

Yeah, okay, but you know what I just remembered?

We were never here.

Oh, okay.

(funky soundtrack playing)

Man, this movie is, like, 90% nude car wash.

Bob, there's some kind of commotion down at the Wonder Wharf.

It's like the Running of the Bulls but dumber.

Yeah, but with a shark.

Uh, yeah, it is a shark.

Yeah, it's a shark.

Fischoeder: Nothing to worry about.

Having a little shark problem.

Uh, good time to grab a hot dog or some popcorn.

Oh, or a hot dog.

Mr. Fischoeder, enough's enough, right?

You've got to shut off the shark, right?

I mean, now.

Shut it off? Oh, no, no, I've got a packed park.

I can't shut down my top attraction.

I mean, I really can't.

That thing's on till it runs out of gas.

But what if it breaks out of Wonder Wharf?

What happens then?

Those are reinforced cement walls, Bob, built by somebody-- proud immigrants, I guess, I don't...

Wha...?

The shark fell over?

That's crazy.

We were at the library, right, guys?

Yeah, exploring the wonderful world of books and periodicals.

Uh, yeah.

And microfiche.

Oh, no, no, no, no...

(tires screeching)

Crap.

Oh, my God!

The shark's busted onto Ocean Avenue.

This is my fault.

I have to do something.

What?

I said, "This is my fault.

I have to do something."

Oh.

Block Captain Bob.

Yeah.

(blowing weakly)

God.

On Ocean Avenue, local merchants fear they will become so much fish food, while police and fire officials are caught in a surf-and-turf battle.

Meanwhile, local citizens are taking matters into their own hands.

The block captain has called an emergency, all-block, shark-stopping meeting...

(crashing)

Edith: That shark is ruining my arts and crafts business!

This town might do all right without arts, but crafts?!

Where the hell are we gonna be without crafts?!

Screw crafts!

What about my liquor store?

Let me talk!

Everybody, listen!

Calm down!

You calm down!

I lost a son!

Seriously?

A sun quilt. It was beautiful.

Listen, we're gonna solve this!

Yes, let's listen to Bob.

He's the idea man behind the shark.

He pooh-poohed all my safety concerns, by the way.

What?

Thank you. I have to run.

N-No, I said it might be cool to get a mechanical shark.

I didn't turn it loose.

Yes, he did!

No, I didn't!

Nobody knows who did!

Yeah, stop this insane witch hunt!

It could've been anyone who wasn't at the library.

The library?

It's no use!

They know we knocked the shark over!

Wait, what? You did?

No! That's just an expression.

Hey, did you knock over the shark today?

You know I did!

You're the family from hell!

They're destroying the town!

Let's have a town meeting to decide what to do with the Belchers!

(screeching)

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Teddy, what are you doing?

I'm trying to get everyone's attention, but I don't have any nails.

Okay, so what do you want to say?

I have something to say.

Yes. What?

I told you not to get that shark!

I told you he was trouble!

Now we need to join together to stop him.

Ow!

Don't you see?

Us fighting with each other, that's what he wants!

Ow! Teddy, stop!

Yes, Teddy, thank you.

Thank you.

So, yeah, we've got to join together to stop the shark.

Let's put our heads together, right?

Block captain brainstorm.

No bad ideas. Go.

Topless car wash, like in the movie!

Topless car...

Don't write that down.

Uh, Linda said there were no bad ideas, Bob.

Well, she was wrong, Hugo.

(muttering): Yes, like when she married you.

What?

What?

I heard you mutter something.

Yes, and when someone mutters, that means they're muttering to themself.

(muttering): Huge mistake.

Well, I heard you.

What?

I heard you mutter.

Oh, really? What did I say?

"Linda made a huge mistake."

So we agree. Ha-ha.

Someone else?

Listen to me.

I know how the shark thinks.

It's confused.

It doesn't know why you want to kill it.

It just wants to go home.

Tina, it's a machine.

It's dumber than our toaster.

Our toaster is also confused.

It doesn't know why we put bagels in it.

Oh, my God.

Okay, we got four good ideas.

Well, four Hail Marys we could try.

(chants): Let's stop the shark!

Or not.

All: Let's stop the shark!

Or not!

Let's stop the shark!

Or not.

(mechanical whirring)

(metal clanging)

If a spike strip can stop those drunk Shriners, it should be able to stop a shark.

Here it comes!

Here it comes!

Ouch.

Okay, we've given the shark spikes.

I knew that would happen.

Bob: That oil's gonna keep the shark from getting any traction.

Ah...

And we made it faster.

Bravo, Bob!

You want to catch a fish, you gotta think like a fisherman, right?

Okay, now the shark is electrified!

All you're doing is making the shark more dangerous, Bob.

I can see that, Hugo!

It was an FYI.

Bob, the shark's getting pretty close to our restaurant.

It's all right.

We've saved the best idea for last: the big hole.

Why'd we save our best idea for last?

Because we didn't know it was the best idea until the other ideas were really terrible.

Stupid.

Anyway, we dig a big hole, the shark falls in and hopefully, end of our problems.

Beginning of China's problems!

Sorry, China!

They'll nail it.

They're really smart.

Linda: Come on, keep going.

Climb into your hole, you big mouse!

(quietly): Turn around! It's a trick!

(cheering)

Ah-ha-ha! You did it, Bobby!

The shark is gone!

Gone, but not forgotten.

Wait, what are we talking about again?

Maybe you're not such a horrible, greasy, perverted, shabby, two-bit, filthy, disgusting pig.

All right, thanks, thanks.

(rumbling)

What was that?

That thing's still moving down there.

But we buried it.

(cracking, rumbling)

I think it just ate its way into our basement!

(dramatic musical sting)

Dad, can we keep it?

The shark is in our basement?!

Well, there's only one way to find out for sure.

Kids, stay here.

Duh.

Yeah, I thought our basement was scary before it had a shark in it.

Bob, stop. You've done everything you can.

You don't have to go down there.

This whistle says I do.

Gene: That whistle blows!

(blows raspberry)

Enough talk.

This ends now.

Mort and I will go with you, Bob.

What? Oh, I mean, yes!

Thanks, guys.

That means a lot.

Oh, good news, everyone!

The dream team's on it!

Ahab, Gray-hab, and Flab-hab!

You want to come, Hugo?

No, I'm good.

Crowd control.

Back up! Back up!

Real quiet, all of a sudden.

Quiet as a morgue.

Morgues aren't all that quiet, actually.

Maybe it finally ran out of gas.

We could come back tomorrow.

No! We gotta make sure it's dead, and then we gotta cut it up in little pieces so it never hurts anyone again!

Whoa, Teddy, calm down.

What happened with you and that shark, anyway?

Sorry, Bob.

You see, It's personal between me and this shark.

We had a little run-in, back when I was working on that movie...

I was chatting up that cute surfer girl.

(distorted): Ohh...!

(snickering)

(distorted): Ugh!

Well, you can forget about getting any of this!

She could've been the one, Bob!

I hit the craft service table pretty hard after that.

That's when I started getting fat.

Uh, I don't understand.

Why aren't you mad at the shark operator?

Oh, yeah, that's a good point.

No, no! The shark drove him to it.

It's evil, and now I'm fat.

You're not that fat, Teddy.

I'm wearing a guy girdle.

It's called a Boydle.

Look at me. Look at me!

Okay, Teddy... Well, you know, look at me.

(falsetto): Hi, Teddy. I'm Bob's belly.

(both laughing)

Oh, you always know what to say, Bob.

Mort: Over here!

I'm Mort's belly.

Huh? What?

We're not doing that bit anymore?

What's going on in there?

(rumbling)

Did you guys hear that?

(all yelling)

Oh! We're gonna need a bigger restaurant!

Oh, come on.

Sorry.

(all yelling)

Hang on, Mort!

(grunting)

Not... fat... enough!

(yelling)

Mort!!

No! I think Mort got eaten.

Oh, I should've laughed more at that belly-talking thing he did.

Mort, are you okay?!

(Bob and Teddy yelling)

I'm out! I'm literally grasping at straws!

(yelling)

Ahh!

Teddy, you're being crushed!

No, my Boydle's protecting me, but I don't know how long it's gonna hold!

This is what you want, isn't it?!

(hollow thudding) This is what you want!

I'm torn.

Dad raised me, but the shark gets me.

If the shark eats our restaurant, is he our new boss?

Shark boss!

(chomping noises)

I'm blacking out, Bobby!

I don't know how to stop it.

We've tried everything!

It's too bad we can't make it die from cancer, like in the movie.

It didn't die from cancer, Teddy.

Oh, no, you're right.

They shot the cancer ending, but it tested really bad.

It didn't have the "pow."

Really? Cancer? No pow?

Yeah, they shot a whole new ending, remember?

They went and poured wet cement down its throat.

Yeah, and that would be really helpful if we had a cement mixer!

(door bell tinkling) Maybe we do.

The ice cream machine.

She's right.

We could fill up the shark with ice cream.

That might mess it up, right?

I chose you, Dad.

Thanks, Tina.

Over the shark.

Thanks.

Because I thought...

Yes.

Originally, it looked like maybe I would...

Yes.

Oh.

Yeah, Dad, who was Tina really gonna choose?

A broken-down wreck with the dead eyes, or a fake shark?

Aww...

You like that, Mom?

Yeah.

Okay, let's give it a try.

All I have to do is plug it in.

Ow! Hurry, Bob.

Some of the teeth are getting under the Boydle!

(Bob groaning)

Stretch, Bob!

Stretch!

You call that stretching?

Got it!

(shuddering)

My feet are getting cold.

Must be making ice cream.

(grunting)

Oh, my Boydle came off!

You got my Boydle, but you don't got me, you shark!

Linda: It's working!

The shark's getting all logy!

I've had dreams like this.

It's over.

No, Bob.

(yelling fiercely)

Die! Die! Die!

Now it's over.

No, it's not dead!

Just kidding, everybody.

Just kidding.

How shark was it?

I still feel like I'm doing that wrong.

(bell tinkling) Whoa, Bob!

I love what you've done with the place.

Listen, I'm gonna be out of town for awhile, but, uh, keep it up.

Uh, we-we should talk about repairs for...

No.

Okay.

I'm going to miss you, shark.

Hmm, I'm gonna miss you, too, ice cream machine.

He died the exact way I want to go: destroying the restaurant.

Hey, how the hell are we gonna flush this thing down the toilet?

Whoa, somebody lost their Boydle!

It's mine now.

(grunting)

Ah, my little Bobby Block Captain.

You saved the town.

Eh, just part of the job.

Gene: You're fired!

I can't take credit for everything, Olsen, but as quadrant captain, I will.

You're welcome.

Who wants soup?