Baby Talk

Ted from 2030: Kids, in the fall of 2010, our friends Stuart and Claudia had a baby, and Marshall and Lily were the first to visit the happy new parents.

Marshall's and Lily's friends' appartment

Marshall: So, have you guys landed on a name yet?

Stuart: We're trying, but it's tougher than you think. You see, I like "Tiffany."

Claudia: And I don't want my daughter to have a whore's name.

Stuart: That's my mother's name.

Claudia: I know.

Stuart: Oh, I got it. How 'bout we name the baby after you-- "Frigid Shrew."

Claudia: Oh, that's good. No, no, no, no. Let's call her "Vodka." Then at least we know you'd hold her tight and never let her go!

Stuart: Don't knock the vodka. Wouldn't have a kid without it.

Marshall: Stuart, you are so... That's not gonna be us, right? I mean, how hard can it be to name a baby?

Lily: Right? I mean, just look at her. Yeah. She's clearly a...

Marshall: Emily.

Lily: Lisa.

Marshall: Lisa?!

Lily: Emily?!

[OPENING CREDITS]

The Bar

Marshall: Okay! I made a list of awesome baby names. Starting at the top: number one...

Ted: I'm gonna stop you right here, Marshall. You name a chubby white kid "LeBron," and he's the one getting stuffed in the basketball hoop.

Marshall: Then I'm also crossing off, um, "Shaquille"... Mm-hmm. "Hakeem," and "Dikembe." Hey, what about "Rob"?

Lily: "Rob"? No.

Marshall: Why not?

[FLASHBACK]

(Lily is in class)

Lily: Hey, Rob. What are you gonna make? A turkey?

(Rob puts his hand on Lily's breast)

Rob: Honka, honka!

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Lily: Not "Rob."

Marshall: um, how about "Ryan"?

Ted: Ooh.

[FLASHBACK]

(all screaming, Lily has a something stuck in her leg)

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Lily: Not "Ryan."

Marshall: "Johnny?"

[FLASHBACK]

Lily: Hey, where's the goldfish?

(A child is eating the fish)

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Lily: Not "Johnny." Or "Gil."

Marshall: "Jeremy."

[FLASHBACK]

Lily: Jeremy, no!

(Jeremy is throwing paint around the room)

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Lily: Definitely not "Jeremy." His stuff was so derivative.

(Robin comes in and sits next to Ted)

Marshall: Well, I mean, geez, Lily.

Robin: Well, whatever you do, do not name your baby "Becky," right?

Marshall: Why? What?

Robin: Becky. My new co-anchor? Don't you guys ever watch the show?

Lily: Oh, honey, I really try.

Marshall: Our DVR won't recognize it as a television program.

Ted: I watched. Robin insisted I confirm how "awful" Becky is, so last night I checked it out.

[FLASHBACK]

Robin: Peace talks in the region have been described as, "productive." Becky?

Becky: (in baby voice): Last night, in Staten Island, a taco cart owner was robbed at gunpoint. Aww... That's so sad.

Robin: Becky, we're-we're journalists. We can't get emotional about the news, we...

Becky: Oh, no! They stole all his money and then pelted him with his own taco meat! Who would do that?

Robin: Well, if you read the story, we might find out.

Becky: Oh, can I do this one, about the horse? I love horseys. Mm-hmm. Aww, the horse died. Guys! This news is all really sad.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Robin: Okay, no holds barred-- what'd you think of Becky?

Ted: Mmm... (muttering) I thought she was charming.

Robin: You, too? Can somebody please explain to me why the little girl act works on men?

Barney: You want the long version or the short version?

Lily: Short version.

Barney: Short version. Who's your daddy?

Lily: You know, when you think about that, that phrase is really creepy.

Marshall: No, it's not. It's fun. Here, watch this. Hey, Lily... Who's your daddy?

Robin: Okay, uh, let me get this straight. So, in, uh, in this scenario, because you make such sweet love to Lily, she is now your daughter.

Marshall: No, she is not my daughter. I'm just her daddy.

Ted: Wow. That is disgusting.

Robin: Exactly. And it's not like the opposite would work. There's no way a guy could pick up a girl, going around talking like a little boy.

Barney: Challenge accepted.

Robin: No.

Barney: I, Barney Stinson, will pick up a girl whilst talking like a little boy.

(all grumbling in protest)

Lily: Okay. Here's my list of baby names.

Marshall: Oh.

Lily: What about "Tara"?

Marshall: No. Not "Tara." Tara was the hottest girl in my high school. We were all, like, obsessed with her.

[FLASHBACK]

Marshall: We didn't just talk about her and fantasize about her... We wrote songs about her.

Marshall and his friends, singing: * Tara, your booty is so smooth; And I hope this isn't rude; But I want to get up on it. *

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Marshall: Not "Tara."

Lily: What about "Esther"?

[FLASHBACK]

Announcer: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Coming up on the main stage, give it up for Esther!

Marshall: Oh. Oh. Hey, Barney. That prime rib was surprisingly good, but it's 10:30 in the morning. I don't need to see a lady get naked and dance.

Barney: Oh, Esther gets naked. But she doesn't dance.

Marshall: Then what does she do? Sweet mother nature!

Barney: That was my card!

Announcer: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Give it up for Esther!

(explosive pop, men cheering and whistling)

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Marshall: Not "Esther." I need a drink. Ted? Ted?

(Marshall and Ted go away)

Ted: Marshall, your list is entirely boy names. You do realize there's roughly a 50% chance of you having a daughter, right?

Marshall: Okay, honestly, I've never thought about having a girl. I don't want to think about having a girl. Tara, Esther -- can you imagine being one of those girls' dads?

(Marshall is visualizing high school boys singing a song for his daughter:


 * Marshall's daughter; Your booty; Your booty's so smooth. *;

then in a club:

Announcer: Gentlemen, gentlemen. On the main stage, give it up for Marshall's daughter.)

He screwed up my childhood. That's why I do this.

Marshall: I have no idea how to raise a daughter! What if she makes bad choices? I mean, what if she winds up dating some... Oh, God.

Marshall's daughter: Papa, I want you to meet my new boyfriend.

Barney: Hey, bro. Thanks for making such a hottie. (weak laughter) Who's your daddy?

Marshall's daughter:You are, 'cause of all the s*x we have.

(Barney chuckles salaciously)

Marshall: I don't want a girl. I just want a little boy.

Ted: It's not what it sounds like, folks.

Marshall is on a visio conference with his parents

Marshall: Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

Judy: Marshall? Is that you?

Marshall:Oh, okay, um... You guys, you're a little too close to the camera. Can you back up a bit?

Marvin: How's this?

Marshall: Every time. Um, can you just sit in front of the computer like normal human beings? Perfect! Perfect.

Marvin: What's up, shooter?

Marshall: Um, to be honest, I'm getting a little freaked out about the idea of having a daughter. I know you two probably aren't the right people to talk to about this. You had all boys.

Marvin: Oh, well, that was just dumb luck. Hey, honey, would you get me a brewski from out of the shed?

Judy: Sure. You want anything, Marshall?

Marshall: I'm in a computer, Mom.

Judy: Oh.

Marvin: Yeah, all boys. Total co-winky-dink. It was no co-winky-dink. Since the Viking age, the Eriksen men have passed down ancient secrets for conceiving boys. Number one, avoid lemons. They're baby girl fertilizer.

Marshall: Okay... No offense, Dad, but I doubt there's any scientific data to support--

Marvin: "I doubt there's any scientific data to support.."" I had all sons. Your grandfather had all sons. Your great-grandfather had all sons. Scoreboard! Who you gonna listen to? Me? Or "scientific data"?

Robin's work place

Robin: Members of the G-8 convened today in Vienna to discuss plans to fight climate change by re... What?

Becky: Ask me what I did yesterday.

Robin: Hey, Becky, Becky, this is our news segment, okay? Nobody cares what you did yesterday.

Becky: Lighten up, Robin. (in baby voice): What'd you do, sweetheart?

Robin: Mike!

Becky: Well, I'm new in town and don't know many people. But yesterday, I met the sweetest man, who took me on a tour of the city. (whispering) Guys, New York is kind of cool.

Robin: Okay, back to the G-8 conference. Hello? Mike, can I get in the shot? Fantastic.

Becky: Then this cutie patootie took me to this bar called MacLaren's, right underneath his apartment.

Robin:Wait-- did you go out with Ted Mosby?

Becky: Yes! Guys, I went out with Robin's roommate. I saw her bedroom. (whispering) She's a messy Bessie.

Robin:In other news, later today, a Manhattan architect gets punched in the throat.

The Bar

Ted: Ow!

Robin: Ted, of all the women in New York, you had to go out with an eight-year-old girl?

Ted: Not what it sounds like, folks.

Robin: Ted, you know that I hate her. How could you go out on a date with this girl?

Ted: It wasn't a date. She came over to the apartment looking for you.

[FLASHBACK]

Becky: I made Robin my famous chocolate chip cookies. But instead of chocolate chips, I used gummie bears.

Ted: Aww...

Becky: (shrieks) A spider!

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Robin: Let me guess: she acted like a helpless little girl, and you stepped in as the big, strong man.

Ted: I don't know if that's totally true.

[FLASHBACK]

Ted: It's okay, little darlin'.

Becky: Poor spider.

Ted: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Spiders gotta die so trees can grow.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Ted: Then I held her tight and told her it was all gonna be okay. By the way, I think I only wounded the spider. It crawled off into my bedroom.

Robin: Wait. Is that why you slept on the couch last night?

Ted: (scoffing) Yeah, I slept.

Barney: I'm dying out here. Talking like a little boy is not working with the ladies.

[FLASHBACK]

Barney: (in childlike voice) Wow, lady. You got some tig ol' bitties! Gosh! Your body's a perfect... this many. (To another girl) Hi. Do you want to wrestle with our special bathing suit places? Come on!

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Lily's and Marshall's appartment

Marshall: Mm, I just need two seconds, baby.

Lily: I know you think that's a compliment, but I'd rather you took your time.

Marshall: No, um... I'll be right back.

(Marshall goes into the bathroom et takes a box from the bathtub)

[FLASHBACK]

Marvin: Ancient Norse wisdom tells us that, to sire a son, you must do three things right before you lay with your maiden. First, eat pickled herring. Eat it!

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Marshall: This is ridiculous. (He imagines his daughter, pregnant et in a wedding gown)

ANNOUNCER: Gentlemen, gentlemen, on the main stage, throwing her life away, give it up for Marshall's daughter!

The Bar

Barney: (little boy voice) Hey, want to have a three-way with me and my imaginary friend? His name's Otis. Hey, hey, want to come to my house and play telephone? I got the string; you got the cans. (giggles) I wet myself! Will you change me? Can't blame her on that one. Guys... I have some terrible, terrible news. I, Barney Stinson, can't pick up a girl whilst talking like a little boy. Challenge forfeited.

Robin: Yeah, we don't care about this...

Ted: No one challenged you, so it wasn't really a challenge.

Barney: (whispers) I'm sorry.

Man: Hey, Gerard, what's with that shirt? Nobody could pick up a chick wearing that thing.

Barney: Challenge accept...

Ted: Wow, I'm glad that's over. It was creepy watching Barney talk like a little kid.

Robin: Oh, but you find it irresistible when Becky does? I don't get it. The Ted that I went out with was attracted to the kind of woman who could use a steak knife without supervision.

Ted: For your information, Becky doesn't like steak, she likes pasghetti. Spaghetti. And more importantly, she makes me feel needed.

Robin: Needed? (scoffs) She makes training wheels feel needed.

Ted: Hey, it's nice to feel needed. And you know what? It's not a feeling guys get when they're with you.

[FLASHBACK]

Marvin: Son... Viking lore tells us that to ensure the continuation of your noble male lineage... get a big old bowl of ice and dunk your man sack right in there!

Judy: You two and your football.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Marshall: Okay. (He dunks your man sack in a big old bowl of ice) Mm-hmm.

[FLASHBACK]

Marvin: Now get in there, point Lily due north and make me a grandson! Eriksen!

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Marshall: Eriksen!

(Marshall goes out of the bathroom)

The Bar

Robin: When we were dating, I... I didn't make you feel needed?

Ted: Come on! You always took charge of everything.

[FLASHBACK]

(Ted takes the pizza and is going to pay for it when Robin arrives)

Robin: I got this.

Ted: Thanks.

(Later, on the couch)

Ted: This okay? Am I hurting y...

Robin: I got this. Whoa!

(Later)

Ted: Someone's trying to break in-- call the cops.

(Robin comes out of the room, a gun in her hand)

Robin: I got this.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Robin: Did that really bother you?

Ted: Well, yeah. It's nice to be needed. Look, I'm sorry. (phone chimes) I didn't mean to upset you. It's Becky. Aw, she's trapped in a revolving door.

Robin: I got this.

Ted: Yeah.

Lily's ans Marshall's bedroom

Marshall: (goofy voice) Let's make a baby!

Lily: Whoa! Baby, you're packing snowballs, and your breath smells like a mermaid fart.

Marshall: Loving the dirty talk-- but you know what's even hotter? If we face this-a-way. Ooh, we're bad.

Lily: Wait... hey, baby, why are you facing me north? You're trying to make us have a boy.

Marshall: I... can ex... How do you know about the north thing? Um, um... And what are you doing with those lemons?

[FLASHBACK]

Marvin: Baby girl fertilizer!

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Marshall: You're trying to make us have a girl! You are trying to make us have a girl.

Lily: All my least favorite students have been boys. So I Googled "how to make a girl some really weird stuff came up but finally, I found this conception Web site that said you should point south at the moment of conception... eat a lemon......and heat up your lady parts to a balmy 105 degrees. (blow-dryer whooshing) Ooh... ah... Oh, that's not bad.

Marshall: Lily, how could you do... exactly the same thing I did? You're supposed to be the sane one.

Lily: See that? Another boy expecting a woman to clean up his mistakes. That's why girls are way better than boys.

Marshall: Oh, really. Well, then how come whenever there's a creepy kid in a horror movie it's always a little girl? Or twin girls, who speak... (eerily): in unison.

Lily: Oh, well, what about Chucky?

Marshall: Okay, A) He was a doll; B) He was possessed by an adult serial killer; and C) How could you bring up Chucky right before bed?

Robin is at Barney's door

Robin: Hey.

Barney: Hey.

Robin: Hey. Um, when we were dating, did... did I make you feel needed?

Barney: No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all.

Robin: That's what I thought. Uh, I'm sorry.

Barney: Wait, where are you... That's a compliment. You are the least needy woman I've ever met-- that's awesome. I mean, no guy's gonna say "Who's your daddy?" to Robin Scherbatsky. You're your own daddy. And mommy. And weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun blaming stuff on the government. And that is what makes you the most... amazing, strong... independent woman I've ever banged.

Robin: Thanks, Barney. You know, um... there's something that I wanted to ask you, and I don't really know how to say it so... here goes. Who's the crazy chick in the apron?

Woman: (baby voice) Someone naughty left his toys on the floor and needs to be spanked on his tushy-tush.

Barney: (baby voice): Uh-oh, I'm in "twubble."

Woman: You did it? How?

Barney: Last night, after admitting defeat, I just let myself go.

[FLASHBACK]

(Barney is eating an icecream at the bar)

Woman: Mmm, that looks so good. Can I have some?

Barney: No! It's my ice cream; you can't have any.

Woman:(baby voice) Someone needs to teach you how to share. Who's your mommy?

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Barney: Challenge completed! (chuckles) Now, uh, can you get this freak out of here? I'm really scared.

Robin: I got this.

At Stuart's and Claudia's

Lily: Oh, so you finally agreed on a name?

Claudia: Uh, well,vthe other night she ran a really high fever.

[FLASHBACK]

(Stuart and Claudia are taking their girl to the hospital)

Stuart: We rushed her to the emergency room at 3:00 in the morning, but they wouldn't admit her without a name. Right then and there, we realized how stupid we were being.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Claudia: We looked at each other and, well, we just knew. Our baby's name is... Esther.

Marshall: Esther? That's beautiful.

Lily is throwing the lemons

Lily: We're idiots.

Marshall: Baby, names and gender, it's just, like... it's some way of giving ourselves the illusion that we have any control whatsoever. I- I just want a healthy, happy, 12-pound--

Lily: Whoa.

Marshall: Ten-pound? Eight-pound?

Lily: I guess, but, dude, you're writing checks my v*g1n* can't cash.

Marshall: I love you. And I'm gonna love the crap out of whatever baby we have.

Lily: Me, too.

Marshall: You know what? We should just think of a name that's good for either a girl or a boy. Like, um...

Marshall & Lily: Jamie.

Lily: Marshall... we just named our baby. Jamie.

The Bar

Lily: Not Jamie.

(Lily leaves the bar. She has two hand prints on her ass)

Ted is offering an ice cream to Becky

Ted: Shoe's untied. I got it. Yeah, this is over.

[END]