Blind Ambition

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and s*x on TV. ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ I must say I do feel a strange satisfaction... watching the black ball topple all those self-righteous white pins. Can't blame them for being self-righteous. The black ball's in their neighborhood uninvited. The black ball's done nothing wrong. If the black ball's innocent, it has nothing to fear. Wonder what the hell's down there. Judd Hirsch? Hey. What's going on? Nothing. all right. Hi, boys. Your ride is here. Hey, you're just in time. Mort's one ball away from a perfect game. Oh, God. The pressure's too much. I just lost control of my bladder. Why didn't I clothespin the end of my pen1s like Muriel told me to? Oh, my God. You bowled a perfect game. I just never stopped believing. Say no to acid. Jeez, relax, Mort. You'd think you were God himself. No, he's over there. Hey, you want to see what I can do? all right, ready? Check it out. Beer, glass. all right, now watch this. Oh, hey. Guess I'll go over here for a minute. Oh, holy crap! That's stilI pouring itself. Oh, wow. That's amazing. I've never seen anyone do that. You want to go out later? I'll be right back. I'm gonna go tinkle. Okay, is everyone ready? Hey, where's Quagmire? [Sighs] [Quagmire grunting] [Quagmire grunting] [Quagmire groaning] Quagmire: Would you just sit down and go to the bathroom already? A scandal at the Quahog Bowling alley tonight... where a local man, GIenn Quagmire... was charged with peeping in the ladies'room. Coming up, Diane's weight. He's all yours, Joe. You're lucky I've got some extra pulI around here... thanks to my 18 medals for heroism. There he goes again with the medals. Hey, Joe, if you love your medals so much, why don't you marry them? I did something like that once. And in the event of your death... you'd like the insurance policy to be paid to your wife? Yup. And your wife is this piece of pie? You got it. Love you. Okay, sign here. You know what? You can probably go ahead and cancel that. Well, well, well, look who's here. all right, all right, look, I know an apology is due here... so, Lois, tell Quagmire you're sorry you had him arrested. Excuse me? He's the one who owes me an apology. He was watching me go to the bathroom. Well, clearly because he knows you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing. Thank you, GIenn, for complimenting our family. We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood. Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either you have the baby or don't. Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up. [Car tires screeching] [Train horn blaring] This isn't medium rare. Then have them take it back. [Peter panting] Sorry about that. Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy, you know? He's just a little mixed up. That's all. Come on. Give him another chance, eh? all right. But one more incident Iike the one at the bowling alley...and Quagmire is out of this neighborhood. Now, don't worry about a thing, Quagmire. Your pals are going to help you change your ways. I don't know, Peter. I'm not sure I can do this. Quagmire: Meg, get out of the way. all right, GIenn. This exercise should help teach you self-control. Here's this month's Victoria 's Secret catalog. Oh, God. Oh, God. Dead kittens. Dead kittens. OId nuns. Really old nuns. Renee Zellweger. Oh, there we go. all right. You did good. Good. Peter, are you sure Quagmire is ready to be out in public? Nothing to worry about, Lois. We figured out a foolproof rehabilitation method. I got the idea from when Brian had to wear that cone after his operation. Okay, if I make this, we're all gonna get laid. Yes! Score! Score! Brian: Boy, I'd really like to chew on my crotch right now. Okay, Quagmire. Time to take off your training wheels. Okay, I think I'm ready. [all chattering]