Father's Daze

1 [Elevator bell dings] [Indistinct conversations] - Sir, what's with all the hubbub? - Smith, why are you wearing the same basic bitch tie you wear every day? Now I'm gonna have to cut you from the fashion show. What fashion show? The one we have every year after Father's Day. This year's theme "flex, flaunt, shimmy, and shake, all the way down to the Langley Lake. Y-You know, I didn't actually think of a theme. [Upbeat R&B music plays] Here comes Duper in what's sure to be the dad look of summer a big dog T-shirt, jorts, and a socks/Crocs combo! [All cheering] But But that would mean yesterday was Father's Day. This is impossible! My family forgot to celebrate me. Well, here's something no one will ever forget. Cream, I need it 'cause you know that I'm a fiend Gettin' freaky in my Bentley limousine It's even better when it's with ice cream Know what I mean? Peaches and cream I need it 'cause you know that I'm a fiend - Yeah! Whoo-hoo! - # Gettin' freaky in my Bentley limousine # It's even better when it's with ice cream - All right! - # Know what I mean? Peaches and cream # One day, the world's gonna see Dick's got just as much to offer on the inside as he does on the backside. Yeah! [title music] Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - # Good # - # Good morning, U. S. A. S. A. [Crickets chirping] So then I told him that I hadn't talked to my brother in years but my relationship with my dry cleaner has never been stronger. [Laughter] Oh, my Home runs today, Roger! Dad, did you hear Roger's story? Yeah, it was kind of funny. O kay. So, um, how was work? Oh! Did they figure out if those twin agents you hate died in that botched mission? No. Rich and Mitch are still just missing. Dad, what's going on? - You forgot Father's Day! - What?! Bullock banished me to the "lame dad room. " Do you know where that is? It's the old haunted bathroom that nobody uses anymore because ghosts are coming out of the goddamn toilet - and going up butts! - Father, I've failed you! - I'm so sorry! - Oh, my God. I've been so obsessed with corduroy, my whole weekend just slipped away. Hey. What if we pretend tomorrow is Father's Day? - I don't know. - Come on! You name it. We'll give you your perfect day. Huh. I guess that could work. ["The Hustle" ringtone plays] [Cellphone beeps] Smith. Well, that's unfortunate. Thanks for calling. [Cellphone beeps] This day is turning around! The twins are dead! Rich and Mitch were found in a ditch Doo-da, doo-da Sorry, Mrs. Jankovich, your stupid sons are dead - Mm! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! [Crickets chirping] Good morning! Rockin' Ronnie comin' at ya two days after Father's Day. That's 363 days, or 8,712 hours or 522,720 minutes until the next Father's Day and 22 seconds until I take the pills that aren't helping my crippling OCD. OCD, OCD, OCD. Now here's an oldie but a groovy! I'm the Scatman "For my meal, I would like a Thanksgiving dinner. " "For my entertainment anything. " Yes! "For my present a homemade birdhouse. Thinkin' about becoming a bird guy. " [Tapping] Happy Father's Day! Birdhouse is coming along great. 'Course, the city inspector's riding me about zoning laws, and my electrician's putting me through the whole rigmarole. Steve, you've made peace with - never being with a woman, right? - Uh, yeah. [Mid-tempo music plays] Hey, Dad. Just trying to find lyrics to rhyme with "My pops is tops. " Well, I admire a good karate chop. Find something there. Thanks for giving us a second chance, honey. Mwah! Leave it. It's your day. A groundbreaking open-concept birdhouse. You can see everything from the stove. Not bad, son. I'd say this house is for the birds. [laughs] We've got turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes. Mmm! You know exactly what I want. But you don't seem to know that I want it from Boston Market. Still, looks great. [Mid-tempo music plays] You're the corduroy of dads The best one I've ever had I wrote this song for you, Daddy I wrote this song for you-o-o-o-o-o-o Ye-a-a-a-h Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Good job, honey! Kind of reminds me of early Dylan like, really early, before he learned how to play the guitar. But I loved it. ["Rockford Files" theme plays] What a great day, Stan. For you, not me. That guy on the bus got in my face again, - and I just finally lost it - Yeah, it was a nice day. Guess the family proved they really do care. Are you kidding me?! They forgot Father's Day! And they covered for it with a B-minus celebration on a Tuesday? "Oh, hey, sorry for feeding you dogshit. Allow us to wash it down with some RC Cola. " Roger! Why do you always have to be the little devil on people's shoulder? W-W-Whoa. Hang on, Klaus. Roger may have a point. Stan? Well, I guess it could have been better. Little devil? More like Little Debbie. 'Cause I give some sweeeeet advice! Good morning! Rockin' Ronnie comin' at ya two days after Father's Day. That's 363 days, or 8,712 hours or 522,720 minutes until the next Father's Day [Muffled] and 22 seconds until I take the pills "For my present a homemade birdhouse. Please not open-concept. " [Tapping] Happy Father's Day! [Mid-tempo music plays] Just getting ready to "lei" this pig down for your luau dinner. [holla] So "hula" at your girl! - Leave it. It's - It's my day. Uh, why is everyone acting like it's yesterday? Because I erased their memories so they could relive the previous day, giving them another shot at a decent Father's Day. You're "Groundhog Day'ing" the fam?! Wait. Why didn't you erase my memory? Come on, bud. You're not even on my radar. So, the family has no idea they're reliving yesterday's Father's Day? Nope. Their minds have been whipped clean. Wh-Whipped clean. Whipped Whipped clea Why Why can't I say this? I got it. Their minds have been whipped cream. I feel like we're building to the point where you tell us how you did this. - Are we? - We are. [Twinkle!] The C. I. A. was having Wait, wait. Stan, how long is this story? 'Cause I just want to know do I sit, do I stand? Medium-long? Uh, lean. Yeah, I'll lean. Continue. [Twinkle!] The C. I. A. was No, gonna sit. Gonna sit. You seemed real unsure about your answer. Well, don't let me interrupt you. [Twinkle!] The C. I. A. was having a yard sale. Just gonna lie down to play it safe. The C. I. A. had to have a yard sale for the same reason anyone has a yard sale to make an ass-load of money. [Cellphone chimes] "Got my dream part in the school play. " Signed, "The sweetest boy in Oz. " [Sighs] This is not how I want to remember my son. You don't have to. Just use this. It's a memory neutralizer. Flashes a light that wipes the last 24 hours from your memory. I use it on myself every time I watch "The Nutty Professor. " That way, I get as hard as I did the first time. [Twinkle!] So, after an okay but not perfect Father's Day, I decided to use it on the family. - Wait. What happened to Roger? - He went on a vape run, bro. The house was dangerously low on Vanilla Vacation. But, Stan, what you're doing feels very unfair to the family. What's unfair is they forgot Father's Day. This whole thing is supposed to be a makeup, and they haven't quite made up. But I just know they're gonna nail it today. Almost done with the birdhouse. Hey, the skylight you wanted it can be just painted on, right? Good morning! Rockin' Ronnie comin' at ya two days after Father's Day. [Mid-tempo music plays] There's nothing that I wanna do Rockin' Ronnie comin' at ya two days More than get alone and be alone with you Rockin' Ronnie comin' at ya Trouble with dreams is they don't come true And when they do, they could catch up to you Good morning! You don't need a thing from me, but I I need something big from you 'Cause you know I've got - # An awful lot of big dreams # - [Repeating] Good morning! [Laughs] I'm walkin' down a lonely road Clear to me now, but I was never told [Laughter] OCD, OCD, OCD. Now Trouble with dreams is you never know When to hold on and when to let go - # If you let me down, it's all right # - here's an oldie but groovy. - # At least that leaves something for me # - [Repeating] but groovy [Heavy metal guitar plays] Snot: Steve! Where have you been? You've missed five weeks of school! I don't know what's going on here, Mr. Smith, but I'm gonna - Why am I - Once more. Again. And two more for good luck. And one for your mother. [Babbling] [Crickets chirping] - We need to talk, bro. - Not now, Klaus. I have to top off the Pert Plus and reset all the radio recordings so they have a chance to make tomorrow perfect. - Dude, you've lost it. - Tomorrow. I'm sure tomorrow will be the perfect Father's Day. [Cheers and applause] It is my privilege to welcome our nominee for president of the United States Senator Vincent Thacker! [Cheers and applause] Thank you. And with the help of my running mate, Senator Bill Sturges, we can get this country back on track. [Cheers and applause] Just got off the phone with The Post. Tomorrow, they're running an exposÃ©. Some back-alley deal you cut with Tetradual? Are you hearing me?! It's over! [Suspenseful chord plays] What What is that? Mine! [Suspenseful music plays] [Both grunting] Oh! [Ominous music plays] Now it's mine. [Screams] [Groans softly] [Gunshot] [Vacuum cleaner whirring] [Whirring stops] [Ominous music plays] [Birds chirping] What is it, my child? [Gong rings] It has returned. To destroy it, we must return it to its source. [Gong rings] [Switch clicks] Shh! Come with me. There's no time. Damn, Steve! You wake up camera-ready, lucky dog. Takes me hours to shake that "just woke up" look. No time for what? And your morning voice sounds clear as a sparrow! Me? Forget about it! No phone calls before noon. Klaus, I have to get started on my dad's present. Damn! And no morning breath? Do you sleep with mints in your mouth? Now, come on! You're wasting valuable time! Where'd all this come from? Check the artist's signature. "Steve Smith"? I don't remember making this. But that's my heart-dotted "I" and eyeballs on the S's to make them look like scary snakes. Here it is again! Every night, your dad resets your memory, so every morning, you wake up thinking it's Father's Day again and again! Steve, you missed the story of the boy in the volcano. It riveted the nation for months! In the end, it turned out to be just a goat in a Starter jacket. Dad's not gonna get away with this. Yeah! Dad's lost it. Klaus, he's not your dad. Well, well, well. - Dad! - No. Looks like you got it all figured out. W-W-Why are you doing this to us? W-W-W-W-W-W-W-Why? Why? Why? Why? Because you guys can't give me one decent day, no matter how many chances I give you! Chances? What are you talking about? Good morning! Rockin' Ronnie Dad's been tricking us into reliving Father's Day every day for six months! [Both gasp] You brainwashed us?! Oh, of course! Make it about you! Well, since you won't remember this anyway, I'll get everything out of my system so I can wake up tomorrow without being so cheesed off! Go ahead, Steve cry! It'd be weirder if you didn't! [Gasps] Go ahead, Hayley gasp. - It'd be weirder if you didn't! - Stan, enough! Since when is anything enough for you? For the last 20 years, you just sit around and wait for me to bring home money. "I need rugs. I need bananas. " Stan, stop before you say something you'll regret. Oh, I haven't even started. I'm the Scatman [Scatting] [Music] I'm the Scatman [Scatting] [Scatting continues] [Click, music stops] You can stop feeling sorry for yourselves, because this never happened. [Click] Starting now. [Click] Now! [Click] Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now! Aw, Stan. When I was grabbing a snack last night, I "accidentally" knocked that thing off the counter 'cause it wasn't on my radar. I Uh, uh And I wasn't really getting a snack. That mission was purely to be a rascal. Although, I did reward myself with a sleeve of saltines and four packs of Gushers. Happy Father's Day. Hey, guys. Uh, I know you didn't think my jokes earlier were very funny. Jokes?! What you said was unforgivable! You can't dissect comedy! Anyway, I know you're feeling a little down, so I made you one of my famous apology cakes. Just pretend SpongeBob is me. And instead of having amazing adventures under the sea, he's sorry he insulted his family. You don't understand. We're never getting past this. Okay. I knew there was a small chance the cake wouldn't work. But maybe you'll find this filling more persuasive. You're all coming with me to the C. I. A. We have another memory eraser, and I'm gonna use it to make you forget all the things I said and the so-called "gun incident. " There's another memory eraser?! That might be the only way we can be a family again. I think you can put down the gun, Dad. We all want to forget. Roger: Ow! Bad news We sold the other memory neutralizer. No! Wait. What's in the box, then? Lil' Angelo! Oh, yeah, you missed the C. I. A. mascot elections. Gretchen the Guinea Pig ran a tight race, but I think we're still a ways off from electing a female mascot. Dick, do you know who bought the other neutralizer? Yeah. Got the receipt right here. - Some C. I. A. collector in Ohio. - Ohio?! B-But we only have 24 hours from when you said those things - to get there! - Yeah, If we don't make it by morning, we're gonna remember all the crap you said forever! All the jokes. Look, I know I hurt you guys, but let me make it up to you. Just because this is a day that you're all going to forget doesn't mean it can't be a day to remember. And then forget. Can you just shut up and focus on driving? Yep. Driving's pretty cool. You, uh, want to give it a try, son? - What? - Yeah, you'll be driving soon. Stan, leave him alone. What? I'm doing something nice father/son. Here, take the wheel. [Engine revs] Aah! [Tires screech] It's just like one of your video games the ultimate video game. You only have one life well, technically, four lives. Whoop! Guardrail. [All screaming] Please tell me you can fix this. What makes you think I can fix Oh. 'Cause of the tow truck and the coveralls. No, no, no, I'm not a mechanic. I'm just a strange man. [Animals calling] Guys, we got one! Everybody, thumbs out and look sexy. We don't know who this is or what they're into. [Tires screech] The mouse can never resist the cheese. [Slurring] Hey. - Hey. Hey. - What? What's your record for Tylenol PMs? - What do you mean? - What's the most you've ever taken? I've done seven. Stan, I think it's your turn to ride shotgun! Nonsense. My queen always rides in front. [Smooches] Hey. [Swallows] Eight. Hey. Hey. We're good. The place we're going is just right up here. [Groggily] One more right here. Let me just say thanks to our friend. He's dead. We have 10 minutes. Don't get many visitors, but I'm always happy to show off my C. I. A. memorabilia. Whoa! Hayley, check it out! The super crack we introduced in the '80s. [Gasps] Look! Steve! The real Jason Bourne! How do I know how to do this?! Dad! We only have four minutes! I believe this is what you came for. Now let's talk about a fair price. Okay, we only got 30 seconds. I'll just zap you, and we can forget about the worst day of our lives. You know, I I meant what I wrote on the cake. [Voice breaking] "Bad dad sad. " Aah! That's hot! Steve, that was our last chance. I can't believe I'm saying this, but we shouldn't forget this day. Right! Because we made all these great new memories today as a family! And that's the true meaning of Father's Day. Are you kidding me?! Today was a disaster! Well but, then I'm screwed. You're gonna hate me forever. Yeah, we want you to feel that way 'cause you've been working your ass off all day to make things right. It turns out the only thing that makes you a good dad - is being a guilty dad. - Yeah. And that's the true meaning of Father's Day. - No!! - That's just a character flaw! Noticing my flaws and my strengths. Is that the true meaning of Father's Day? Dad, I'll explain it all in the back of that guy's pickup. Or better yet why don't you drive? You know what, guys? This is easily one of my favorite Father's Days. And Christmases. Did you guys know it was Christmas?
 * 1) Aah! Good morning, U.