The Relationship Diremption


 * Bernadette: I’m excited to meet Emily.
 * Howard: Me, too. I just hope he doesn’t blow it.
 * Bernadette: Why would you say that?
 * Howard: Because he’s Raj, that’s his thing. Beckham can bend it, Ralph can wreck it, Raj can blow it. Look, I don’t want it to happen, but odds are he’s gonna find a way to… Oh, crap, I know that girl.
 * Bernadette: How?
 * Howard: In a bad way, very bad.
 * Raj: Hey, guys.
 * Howard: Whatever you hear tonight, just remember I love you. Hey.


 * Raj: Emily, these are my good friends, Howard and Bernadette. Guys, this is Emily.
 * Emily: Nice to meet you.
 * Bernadette: Hi.
 * Emily: Have we met before?
 * Howard: Uh, no. I, I don’t, I don’t think so.
 * Emily: You sure? You look familiar.
 * Howard: Well, you sure don’t. You I know, you I know, you? Total stranger. Even if you had yummy candy, I would not get in your van.
 * Emily: Did you go to that spin class on Green Street?
 * Howard: That must be it.
 * Raj: Since when do you go to spin class?
 * Howard: Wow. Now who doesn’t listen?


 * Sheldon: Am I wasting my life on a theory that can never be proven?


 * Penny: What do you think?
 * Sheldon: I suppose I can see myself in a scientific boy band, and of course, I'd be the dreamy one and the smart one.


 * Stephen Hawking: What a jackass!


 * Leonard: I got to tell you the more I read about the primordial gravity wave discoveries the more excited I get.
 * Raj: So being an astrophysicist right now is like being a rock star.
 * Howard: Only without the sex.


 * Penny: OK, I get it. Not all the jibber jabber in the middle. I know what it’s like to put your heart and soul into something and get nothing out of it.
 * Sheldon: You mean your acting career.
 * Penny: No.
 * Sheldon: Your relationship with Leonard.
 * Penny: No.
 * Sheldon: Your failed attempt to go back to college.
 * Penny: NO!! I’m saying your string theory sounds like a relationship and I know what it’s like to be in one and realize it’s never going to turn out the way you want.
 * Sheldon: I said Leonard. You said no.
 * Penny: I’m talking about other guys.
 * Sheldon: OK. Well. What do you do?
 * Penny: I just have to have the courage to end the relationship. You know, break it off, shake hands, walk away.


 * Sheldon: It suggests that I set these on fire, but the smell of burning books reminds me too much of church picnics in East Texas.


 * Sheldon: But now I realize I was just a simple country boy seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.


 * Leonard: As you sure you want to do this?
 * Sheldon: The magazine article suggests that one of the ways to get over a breakup is a new look.
 * Leonard: What about your old look? Well groomed ventriloquist doll.
 * Penny: [Using Sheldon as a doll] OH my God. I do look like that!


 * Sheldon: I suppose I could see myself in a scientific boy’s band because I’d be the dreamy one and the smart one.


 * Bernadette: Emily, what do you do?
 * Emily: I’m a dermatology resident at Huntington Hospital.
 * Raj: Mmm, and you know what that means. Someone’s skin’s about to be softer than ever.
 * Emily: This is making me crazy. I know I know you from somewhere.
 * Raj: Oh, uh, Howard was an astronaut. Maybe that’s where you saw him.
 * Emily: Wow. That’s amazing. What was that like?
 * Howard: It was the most incredible experience of my life. Up there in the space station, you’re…
 * Emily: (shocked with realization) Oh, my God, I remember.
 * Howard: Can I finish my astronaut story?
 * Emily: It was four years ago.
 * Howard: Please don’t say it.
 * Emily: We were set up on a blind date.
 * Howard: Please don’t say it.
 * Emily: You came to my apartment.
 * Howard: You’re saying it.
 * Raj: What? What happened?
 * Bernadette: Yeah, what happened?
 * Howard: Okay, I’ll say it. I was on the way to pick her up. My stomach felt a little funny. When I got there, I asked if I could use her bathroom.
 * Bernadette: (crossly) Please don’t say it.
 * Howard: One roll of toilet paper and 20 minutes later, I was so humiliated, I snuck out the window and never saw her again.
 * Emily: You know what else I never saw again, my security deposit.
 * Howard: I’m sorry. I tried to unclog it, but you didn’t have a plunger, and water was spilling out everywhere.
 * Emily: Right, just water.
 * Howard: Look, I have felt terrible about this for years, and I’m glad I have the opportunity to tell you just how sorry I am.
 * Emily: It’s fine. All my friends love this story. They call you Clogzilla.
 * Raj: Get it? Because you clogged up her bathroom like a radioactive monster! (laughs)
 * Howard: Yeah, yeah, I get it.
 * Bernadette: Howie.
 * Howard: Well, hey, it’s not like cotton candy comes out of you.


 * Amy: What did you do?
 * Penny: I gave him a new look. Cute! Huh?
 * Amy: Yes, cute. That’s the problem. I don’t want other girls seeing him walk around like sex on a stick.
 * Sheldon: She’s right. I’m too hot.


 * Penny: What’s wrong with geology?
 * Sheldon: Let me put this in a way you’ll understand Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren't real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.


 * Sheldon: I didn't seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day.
 * Amy: How did that happen?
 * Sheldon: A bully chased me through the school library and he hit me over the head with the biggest book he could find.


 * Bernadette: So Emily. Why did you decide to specialize in dermatology?
 * Emily: I like cutting people with knives, but all the other jobs where you get to do that are illegal.
 * Bernadette: You’re kidding, right?
 * Raj: She’s scary, but it’s a cute scary.
 * Howard: Can I say just one more thing? I had some kind of food poisoning that day. Sure, in retrospect, gas station sushi, maybe not the best choice. Nor was climbing out your window and running away. But I think we can all understand how humiliating that was, and I’d really appreciate it if we could move on.
 * Bernadette: Howie, we moved on a long time ago.
 * Howard: I’m just saying…
 * Bernadette: We moved on.
 * Howard: Okay. Fine.
 * Bernadette: How’s your soup?
 * Howard: Ah, it’s all right. They could’ve filled the bowl a little more. Excuse me.
 * Bernadette: Where are you going?
 * Howard: I need some fresh air.
 * Emily: Been there.


 * Leonard: [Sheldon waking up with a Geology Book.] How you feeling?
 * Sheldon: Not so good.
 * Leonard: Are you going to introduce me to your friend?
 * Sheldon: It’s not my friend. Nothing happened!
 * Leonard: I don’t know. I heard you reading pretty loud last night.
 * Sheldon: Oh dear lord. Where’s Amy?
 * Leonard: After she put you to bed, she went home.
 * Sheldon: Oh. I should call her and apologize. Oh no.
 * Leonard: What?
 * Sheldon: Apparently, I called Stephen Hawking last night.