Oh, Wald-e, Good Times Ahead


 * Lyndsey: We can go in the other room and you can play with them.
 * Larry: Huh? Really? In the middle of the day?
 * Lyndsey: Mm-hmm.
 * Larry: Wait a minute. Who's Alan Harper?
 * Alan: Uh, I am gonna answer that, but before I do What do you say, Gretchie? Will you marry me?
 * Gretchen: Yes.
 * Alan: Oh, my God! You've made me the-the happiest man in the world. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. A-And for your question, Larry, I just want to say that everything you've known about me is a lie. My real name is Alan.
 * Larry: That's okay. My real name is Lawrence.
 * Alan: All right, this is gonna be a lot harder than I thought. Um, uh, Lyndsey is my ex-girlfriend. When you and she got together, I made up a fake name so that I could meet you and stay close to Lyndsey. But then it turns out I actually like you more than I like Lyndsey.
 * Larry: I like you more than Lyndsey, too!
 * Lyndsey: What the hell is happening here?!
 * Larry: So your name's not really Jeff Strongman, it's Alan Harper, and you used to date Lyndsey?
 * Alan: For four years.
 * Larry: Did you know about this?
 * Lyndsey: Yes. He was my boyfriend. But-but I'm with you now, and only you.
 * Alan: A-And I'm really, really sorry.
 * Larry: Oh, save it, Jeff-- if that's even your real name.
 * Alan: I think I made it pretty clear it's not, but o-okay.
 * Gretchen: I told Alan that I thought he should tell you the truth, because I thought you deserved to know.
 * Larry: How could you keep this from me? I would never lie to you. This is unbelievable!
 * Lyndsey: I never wanted any of this to happen.
 * Larry: Well, it did-- and now I've lost my two best friends. And this time I'm not talking about your boobs. I don't want to see either one of you again. And I'm still not talking about your boobs! The wedding's off!
 * Lyndsey: Larry, wait!
 * Alan: Oh, God, see? This is exactly why I didn't want to tell him. Now both Lyndsey and Larry hate me, and I've ruined the lives of two wonderful people. I'll never forget the look on-- ooh, boobs.


 * Walden: I wish I could. What's going on?


 * Alan: Oh, this is all my fault. I should have just been honest and told the truth right from the start-- lying is never the answer. Ooh, I know, I'll tell him I'm sick. What's a trendy illness?


 * Larry: Hey, Alan.
 * Alan: Oh, hey, hey, Larry!
 * Larry: I don't have a weapon.
 * Walden: Hi. I'm Walden, Alan's friend. Uh, just act like I'm not here, and punch like no one's watchin'. And action.
 * Alan: So, you, uh, you said you wanted to talk?
 * Walden: No, no, no, louder.
 * Alan: I'm sorry. What?
 * Walden: Louder. There's a lot of ambient noise in here.
 * Alan: So, so, you said you wanted to talk?
 * Larry: Yeah, I actually came here to tell you that I forgive you!
 * Walden: No! Cut! Cut! What's Wait, wait, you forgive him?
 * Larry: Yeah, I realized all this anger isn't good. I had to let it all go.
 * Walden: No! He's not gonna learn his lesson if you forgive him. The only way he's gonna learn a lesson is through pain and suffering and possibly losing a tooth.
 * Larry: No, no. He's gonna be my brother-in-law and make an honest woman out of Gretchen.
 * Alan: She's not gonna be an honest woman on our wedding night.
 * Larry: That's the guy I know and love who's banging my sister.
 * Alan: I do love banging your sister.
 * Walden: No, the only banging I want to see is you banging his face! Oh, that didn't come out right.
 * Alan: Gretchen is the most amazing woman I've ever met. I-I just have to scrape together enough money for the wedding.
 * Larry: Oh, I know what you mean-- mine and Lyndsey's was costing me a fortune. I already paid for the flowers, the cake, the tux.
 * Walden: Too bad you can't just take his wedding.
 * Alan: Or can I?
 * Walden: I was kidding.
 * Alan: Well, why not? I mean, this cup says "Peter" on it, but Peter wasn't there to get it.
 * Larry: I'm not gonna use it. Me and Lyndsey are through, so you might as well.
 * Walden: You can't mooch a wedding that you just destroyed.
 * Alan: know. How great is that? Classic Alan Harper.
 * Larry: Jeff Strongman. Mm. I don't know how I didn't see through it sooner. It's such an obviously made-up name. Yeah. Jeff.


 * Walden: Uh, hey, I just wanted to say that it's, um. it's pretty big of you to forgive Alan the way you did. I mean, after hearing that he was still sleeping with Lyndsey when you two were dating is apparently something you're hearing for the first time right now.
 * Larry: Are you freakin' kidding me? They were cheating?! I'll kill him!
 * Walden: Larry, Larry, I'm sorry.
 * Larry: For what?
 * Walden: This. Okay, let's get this show on the road!
 * Alan: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What-What's the rush?
 * Walden: Oh, uh, I accidentally told Larry that you and Lyndsey were cheating on him, so he wanted to kill you so I pushed him off the deck.
 * Alan: Let's go! Showtime! Chop, chop! Come on!
 * Walden: Oh, wow, so pensive.
 * Gretchen: Where's my brother?
 * Walden: Oh. Uh, he was overcome with emotion. So he hit the beach. Uh, but don't worry. I'm filming it. Oh, by the way, if you trip on your dress and accidentally flash us, just go with it.


 * Lyndsey: I object!
 * Alan: Lyndsey? Lyndsey, Lyndsey, you can't be here.
 * Lyndsey: Aren't I a pretty, pretty bride, Alan?
 * Alan: Yes. You look insanely beautiful. Uh, now let's turn you around and get you in a cab. How 'bout
 * Lyndsey: No! This was supposed to be my day! My wedding! My groom! My f Wait. Those are my flowers. That's my food! Those are my linens.
 * Walden: That's my I think she was gonna say "cake"!
 * Alan: So, uh so where were we?
 * Derek: Gretchen?
 * Gretchen: Derek?
 * Alan: Who's this guy?
 * Gretchen: He's my ex-husband. Oh, come on! What are you doing here?
 * Derek: Some crazy lady called and said you were getting married. Well, actually, what she said was, "Gretchen, pretty, pretty brid"" followed by two minutes of intense vomiting.
 * Walden: Pretty sure that was her.
 * Lyndsey: Boo-ya!
 * Derek: Gretchen, I know I made some horrible mistakes. I drank too much, I wrecked your truck, I cheated on you with your best friend. In your truck. While I was drunk. Which is why I wrecked it.
 * Walden: Lose your dog and you got a country song.
 * Derek: I wouldn't know. I'm more into hip-hop. I miss you, baby. I want you back.
 * Alan: Hey, Derek, if you want her back, you're gonna have to go through me.
 * Derek: Fine by me.
 * Alan: And him.
 * Derek: Look, seeing you in that white dress right before I beat up two goobers reminds me of our wedding. But this time the cake's not in the shape of Dale Jr., which is a huge oversight.
 * Gretchen: Derek.
 * Alan: Derek You're not actually considering this, are you?
 * Gretchen: I don't know. I'm so confused. I mean, Derek and I have so much history together. This is really hard.
 * Derek: That's what she said.
 * Alan: (Gasps)
 * Walden: That's what they say.
 * Gretchen: I'm sorry, Alan. I-I at least have to talk to him.
 * Alan: Gretchen, wait!


 * Alan: Gretchen called. She said it's not over. She's just sorting things out.