The Hofstadter Insufficiency


 * Sheldon: Welcome to the exciting world of 3-D chess.


 * Penny: Why don’t you admit you only want to play this game because you always play with Leonard and you miss him?


 * Sheldon: You overestimate his significance in my life.


 * Penny: Mmm.


 * Sheldon: Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don’t think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? [Knocks his answer in Morse Code].


 * Penny: OK, I get it. I get it. You’re an emotionless robot.


 * Sheldon: Well, I try.


 * Raj: Do you know I recently read a fascinating article on infidelity among penguins.


 * Mrs. Janine Davis: OK.


 * Raj: So if the fact that your husband left you makes you feel unattractive, just remember penguins get cheated on and they’re still adorable.


 * Howard: It was better when you couldn't talk to women.


 * Bernadette: I was thinking of going to the lecture on posterior cingulate cortex lesions in the formation of autobiographical memory.
 * Amy: Oh, brain lesions are fascinating. Unless they’re yours, then they’re a drag.
 * Bernadette: [Toasting] To the advancement of science.
 * Amy: And to the sick and dying who make it possible.


 * Penny: This is ridiculous, why am I upset just because he's off having a good time?


 * Sheldon: Well, perhaps you're obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. [Penny stares at him angrily.] Is that it? Did I get it right?


 * (The hotel bedroom scene of Bernadette (who is already in bed) rubbing some hand cream on herself and Amy taking her slippers off and putting them on the floor. They both take their glasses off and put them on the bedside together. Amy now gets into bed).
 * Bernadette: (turning off the light) Good night.


 * Amy: Mm-hmm. It was rather flattering to have strangers send us drinks.


 * Bernadette: Yeah, that felt nice.


 * Amy: Maybe tomorrow morning we put on some hot pants and see if we can score us some free omelettes.


 * Bernadette: So, hypothetically, if, if we were to have gone with them, which one would you have picked?


 * (Amy puts the light back on and she and Bernadette look at each other)
 * Amy: I think I would have gone with the short one with the goofy haircut.


 * Bernadette: Oh, good, ’cause I liked the tall thin one. He seemed intelligent, kind of a loner, maybe a little sexually inexperienced, like I’d have to teach him a thing or two.


 * Amy: Not my guy. I caught him staring at my rack. It’d be nice to be with a man who wants to know what’s underneath my cardigan. FYI, it’s another cardigan.


 * Bernadette: Your short sexed-up guy kind of sounds like Howard.


 * Amy: Your brainy virgin kind of sounds like Sheldon.


 * Both: (crossly together) Good night.


 * (Bernadette crossly turns the light back off and both she and Amy lay back down on their pillows in a huff together).


 * Penny: No. Come on, let’s talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don’t know.


 * Sheldon: I own nine pairs of pants.


 * Penny: Okay, that, that’s a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.


 * Sheldon: I see. I own nine pairs of underpants.


 * Penny: How about I go first?


 * Sheldon: But I don’t want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I’d say it’s a thousand.


 * Penny: Okay, look, here’s something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.


 * Sheldon: I've seen that. Yeah. Serial Ape-ist. (Penny gasps) Howard found it online the day we met you.


 * Penny: Oh, God.


 * Sheldon: And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you’re going for. Okay, here’s one I thought I’d take to the grave.


 * Penny: Okay.


 * Sheldon: Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I’m okay with it, but I’m really not.


 * Penny: That’s your big revelation?


 * Sheldon: Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter.


 * Leonard (on board boat, at a party, dancing): Excuse me, ladies, my pants are buzzing. North Sea, how can I "kelp" you?


 * Penny: Leonard?


 * Leonard: Penny? Hey, it’s Penny. Everybody say hi to Penny.


 * Everybody: Hi, Penny!


 * Penny: Wow, it sounds like you’re having a good time.


 * Leonard: Best time of my life.


 * Sheldon: Isn't it five thirty in the morning there?


 * Leonard: Is it? Hey, everybody, it’s five thirty in the morning!


 * Penny: Uh, okay, well, we were just calling you because we were missing you.


 * Random voice: Iceberg!


 * Leonard: Uh-oh, hang on.


 * Sheldon: Are you in danger?


 * Leonard: No, it’s a drinking game. Whenever we see an iceberg, we take a shot!


 * Everybody: Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg!


 * (The scene of Bernadette and Amy's conversation after their toast at the bar)
 * Bernadette: This is fun. We never really get to talk shop with Penny around. We usually just end up talking about boys.


 * Amy: Which is fine, but it’s nice to mix it up with a little intellectual conversation.


 * Waiter: From the two gentlemen at the bar.


 * Amy: Oh, my gosh, boys bought us drinks, boys bought us drinks. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.


 * Bernadette: Be cool.


 * Amy: You be cool. Guys are hitting on us, and not just to get to Penny.


 * Bernadette: You’re right. Thank you.


 * Leonard: Sheldon, it’s not a great time, what do you want?


 * Sheldon (in the apartment): Hello to you, too. I’m sorry, but this is important.


 * Leonard: What is it?

Leonard: So?
 * Sheldon: Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case, and Back to the Future III was, get this, in the Back to the Future II case.


 * Sheldon: So, did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder?


 * Leonard: Sheldon, I got to go inside. It’s getting rough out here.


 * Sheldon: You’re dodging the question, I knew it was you. (Kraken roaring)


 * Sheldon: What was that?


 * Leonard: What was what?


 * Sheldon: This isn't a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.


 * Leonard: Okay. I'm hanging up now. You know there's no such thing as a... (Got dragged overboard by a kraken tentacle)


 * Sheldon: (wakes up) No!


 * Penny: (in film taking a shower) Ah, I'm so glad the police finally caught that psychotic, genetically engineered ape.


 * Leonard: That is my girlfriend, I swear to god.


 * Shipmates: (chanting) Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard.


 * (Penny sees the man in the ape suit opening shower curtain (he is holding an axe in a parody of 'Psycho') and screaming in film)


 * (Scene: A hotel room)
 * Bernadette (on phone): Howie, stop. I can’t talk like that. Amy’s right here.
 * Amy (on phone): Sheldon, stop. For the last time, I will not bring home bed bugs.
 * Bernadette: The hotel’s nice. There’s a pool, a gym, the bar looks like fun.
 * Amy: Because I looked in the bed, and there are no bugs.
 * Bernadette: Aw, I love you, too. If I don’t talk to you before you go to sleep, I’ll meet you in dreamland.
 * Amy: Good night. No, I will not consider sleeping in my garment bag.
 * (Amy now puts her phone down on the desk in disgust)


 * Amy: So what happened? How’d it go?
 * Bernadette: It’s fine. I thanked them again and let them know we’re not available.
 * Amy: So I can drink this without having to give up the goodies?
 * Bernadette: Yes, it’s all cool. Although, if you wanted to talk to one of them, no one would blame you.
 * Amy: And why would no one blame me?
 * Bernadette: I don’t know what I’m saying.
 * Amy: Well, it sounds like you’re saying that I could do better than Sheldon.
 * Bernadette: (not happy by the taste of the drink) Boy, these drinks are strong. Hoo, mama, I’m gonna be huggin’ the toilet tonight.
 * Amy: No, tell me, I want to know what you meant by that.
 * Bernadette: I just meant that you’re not married and your boyfriend’s kind of, Sheldon.
 * Amy: And your husband is extremely Howard. What’s your point?
 * Bernadette: Sorry. I have no point. That was a stupid thing to say. (she changes the subject) Can we please just go back to having a nice time?
 * Amy: We could, but unfortunately my brain is lesion-free and I remember that rotten thing you just said about my Sweet Baboo.
 * Bernadette: (calmly and crossly) Come on. I apologize. Can we please just let it go?
 * Amy: Sure.
 * Bernadette: Thanks.
 * Amy: Your husband’s weird and his clothes are ridiculous.
 * (Bernadette starts to stare crossly at Amy)