The Rickchurian Mortydate

1 Come on, football! Go, go! Oh, come on. Play football! [ Suspenseful music plays ] [ Creature growls softly ] [ Heartbeat pounding ] [ Creature snarls ] Aaah! [ Slash! ] So, you're mining stuff to craft with and crafting stuff to mine with? Uh-huh. Did your dad write this game? Mean. [ Helicopter blades whirring ] Gentlemen, you're needed by a friend in Washington! How clandestine. [ Zap! ] If they can teleport, why did we take I just work here, Steve, same as you! [ Indistinct conversation ] All right. All right, all right. Mr. President. It's about time, gentlemen. Rick, do you need to drink in here? Yes. Here's the adventure. Some kind of alien googa has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels. I want it hunted down and taken out. Kennedy Sex Tunnels? Naturally, you'll forget you saw them, along with, in order of national embarrassment, the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump, and the Lincoln Slave Coliseum. He didn't free them all. And let me know when you're done. Maybe then we could get a selfie? Too busy, Morty. Now tell me about this summit. Is it a peace one or a regular one? [ Suspenseful music plays ] [ Growling ] [ Zap! Zap! Zap! ] [ Whimpers ] Ugh. This sucks. God, tell me about it. Oh, man. If you're not into it What do you mean? Why would I be into it? It's lame. You're into lame stuff, Morty. I thought young dumb people considered it an honor to work for presidents or whatever the shit. Maybe the first few times, but this just sucks. He treats us like Ghostbusters. We should talk to him. Yeah, that sounds fun. Let's set some boundaries with a spoiled control freak that thinks he runs the world and orders drone strikes to cope with his insecurity. It's either that or more of this. Third choice "Minecraft. " You like it now? Got to be honest, Morty. It's growing on me. Notify the president. What do I tell him? Tell him the truth. Tell him Rick and Morty just blew off America. You can use that wood to make a chest. Oh, good. Then I can store all this wood I'll need later for chest-making. Okay. You're not going to have fun if you analyze everything. This is what they'd rather do? It's all in the transcript. "Treats us like Ghostbusters. " So, Ghostbusters aren't cool now? I don't recall signing that bill. "Control freak. " "Orders drone strikes to cope with" "Insecurity. " Should we drone-strike them? That would prove them right! And blow him up. Give me the phone. Rick: Is this game popular with autistic people? Why would you say something like that? 'Cause I'm starting to love it. [ Cellphone vibrating ] "Failure to answer is a felony offense"? Play it cool. As far as he knows, we're still in the tunnels. [ Chuckles ] When should we reveal we can see them? We're holding all the cards right now. We don't show any before the time is right. Awesome. Rick: Yello? Hi, guys. U. S. President calling. How's it going? Oh, hey. Just hard at work on this sex tunnel gagoo. I think it's kind of our new archnemesis, you know? It might take a while. What do you think, Morty a month? Fingers crossed, a month, yeah. You lying dicks! I see your asses playing "Minecraft"! I got you on satellite! That's right. What do you have to say for yourselves? Okay, obviously, this looks bad, Mr. President. I mean, what doesn't look bad through an illegal spy satellite? Don't high-road me. The two of you break 1,000 federal laws a day. Wow, really? That's pretty cool. And, yes, yes, yes, yes, you save the world now and then. America returns that favor by not holding the two of you accountable to its laws. Oh! Oh! Oh, God. We We didn't know you saw it that way. Well, it's nobody's fault. We never had "the talk," so to speak. Yeah. I mean, the way we see it, when we show up, that's the favor to you. Especially, you know, when it turns out you wanted someone to come over just because you found an "X-Files" monster in your basement. As for the reason you've never, like, arrested us, we assumed you just knew that it was impossible, like, if you tried. You know, it wouldn't go well. Wouldn't go well? Can you elaborate? I think one of your 1,000 laws says, no, I can't elaborate. Just trust me. None of us want to go there. Which we'll never have to. By the way, we'll keep on saving the Earth. You know, we're We're happy to do that. Yeah, but not because it contains America Because moving to a new version of Earth is a bitch and a half. But feel free to call us, you know, as as, like, friends. Yeah, like, if you ever want to take a selfie So, are we cool? Yes. Thank you, gentlemen. I told you, man! I'm impressed, Morty. That went really well. [ Indistinct conversations ] Everybody, get ahold of yourselves! Sir, what is our new Rick and Morty policy? Our policy is, we never needed them and never will again. Today, we celebrate our independence from Rick and Morty. Everyone out. All this spring at Clothes Mart, there's a clothes sale. Come on down to the clothes section. I just put it on for fun. I know I can't buy it. Oh, come on. You look great! You're only young once. Just promise, if the results are too strong, you'll use protection. Really?! Thanks! When did you get rad? I don't know. Maybe I adjusted to the divorce and everything's new. I'll say. I couldn't stand you for more than an hour at a time before. [ Chuckles ] No No offense. I like it. It's great. You're like a different person. Yeah. Different person. [ Suspenseful music plays ] Oh, not you. Vamos! Vamos! Aaah! How do you like that, Morty? Whoa! Just like "Minecraft"! Ooh, a tiny nuclear-capable species just got discovered in the Amazon. Let's go make first contact before someone else gets all their shit. What about this? South Park did it 4 years ago, Morty. They're fast. Or we're slow. [ Suspenseful music plays ] Don't do it, guys. The casualties would be in the "Brazilians" because you're Brazilian. It's a threat and a pun. Nobody gets me. Americanos! Pressa! [ Suspenseful music plays ] Oh. Hello, Rick. You're here, too. I guess this is a global crisis. Oh, God. Mr. President, Morty and I have the situation covered. I'm sure you did. Dismissed. Dismissed? Yeah, dismissed. Not needed here. You can leave and nobody will care. Have you never heard that before? Do you even know how to take out this kind of threat? We're not taking it out. We're going to shrink down and approach them diplomatically. You shrink with pills? Are you still here? Shouldn't you be going down to your next version of Earth with your selfie-craving star-[bleep] sidekick? Whoa! We're allowed to be here. You aren't president of the Amazon. Yeah, I learned about your job in school. You're a civil servant. We're technically your boss. Oh, please, Morty. You pay as many taxes as you have pubes. Oh, I got pubes, Commander-in-Queef. You want to count them? Commander-in-Queef. That's it! Do it! Recognize the rare element Sanchez-eum? We've been preparing for a Rick-level eventuality for some time. You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it while you sat on your ass at peace summits. Peace summits are important! Oh, yeah! They work great! We're really drowning in peace! You suck! You suck! Task Force Alpha, prepare to shrink. Is there a Task Force Alpha health plan, by the way? Because if those pills are based on subatomic compression, you could get a more curable cancer just walking through the mushroom clouds. God damn it! I'll do it. Whoa. Task Force Alpha is disbanded. And you two aren't American anymore! I can say that. You're expatriated! If you step foot on homeland soil again, I'll treat it as an invasion. Is this supposed to be painful? Painful to watch. Oh, such lame shrinking. Oh, his clothes stay the same size? '70s shrinking, party of one. [ High-pitched voice ] Eat my shrinking ass! There he goes. All right. Let's get out of here, Morty. What the hell?! I made Sanchez-eum up, dumbasses. Don't believe everything you read on Wikipedia. Stand down. He's not afraid of pirates. Oh! Run, Morty! That part was true! [ Ringing ] I-I can't talk now, sweetie. Oh, when can you? Good point. [ Burps ] What's up? Remember a little while ago when you said that, if I wanted, I could, like, leave Earth and wander the infinite cosmos to figure out who I am and that nobody would ever know I'd left because you could replace me with a clone? Mm-hmm. Am I the clone? Sorry. What? Am I the clone? Did the real me choose to leave, and I only think I chose to stay because that's what I need to think because I'm the replacement Beth? No. Okay. And one more thing. If I were a clone, would you tell me? Beth, you know, when When smart people get happy, they stop recognizing themselves. And you are very smart because you're very much my daughter. Oh, God. You're right. I'm sorry. Thank you, Dad. All good? Totally. I'm fine now. And just to be sure, you're not pretending to be convinced you're real because you're actually convinced you're a clone and you're now terrified that becoming self-aware would mean I'd have to terminate you? No. Okay. Glad I could help. See you soon. [ Breathing heavily ] Aaaaaah! [ Suspenseful music plays ] Where do I go? What does th What What What What does this mean? This means nothing. Pull forward and park. Then say that, God damn it! Sorry. Bad day. [ Suspenseful music plays ] I am Presidentress of the Mega Gargantuans. We named ourselves before learning we were small. Madam Presidentress, I'm President of America, which is basically the world, but you didn't hear that from me. I've come to I know who you are. We've already agreed to a ceasefire with your ambassadors, Rick and Morty. Rick and Morty were here? Of course they were here. They can shrink instantly and teleport. They told me to give you this. They said it will stretch as your cancer pill wears off and your body awkwardly enlarges at the rate of a '50s movie. Are there pants? They said you'd prefer just a shirt. Apparently, you have a need to swing your dick around? Rick and Morty escaped. No shit. Take me to the Pentagon. We're at war with Rick and Morty. You'll want to make a stop at the White House? I have pants at the Pentagon, Rhonda. It's in my contract. I mean you need to call a press conference. Israel and Palestine have announced a permanent ceasefire. What? They signed something called. "The Pretty Obvious If You Think About It" accord. Apparently, an anonymous American diplomat took them to a "Star Wars" cantina, where they smoked perspective-enhancing alien pheromones through a laser hookah. I still say it has to be Putin. It was Rick and Morty, you [bleep] dunce! But you're getting the credit, sir. Your approval rating just hit 1. Why would Rick and Morty want that? Because they're assholes! I'm flattered, but it takes a whole team to achieve what we did today. Thank you. Well? They haven't been back home, sir. We've got every possible location under surveillance. God damn it! They're right here! They're here, God damn it! Code Red! We need backup! Everybody relax. Just waiting for you in the only room you can't blow up or spy on. So, we're not changing timelines for you, but now you have everything you want, so you can forget we exist, and we'll return the favor. You couldn't say that in a text? Well, since we won't be seeing each other again, my Guys, we get it. It's a Code Red. Enough. My grandson has worked hard for you, and I feel like he's earned a selfie. Honestly, I could take it or leave it at this point. You're taking it. No. What kind of fratty-ass status move is that? Get out of my office! Seriously? You're that stubborn? He's the stubborn one. I'm protecting my country. Uh, from selfies? From subordination to hostile powers. Uh, does China know about that deal-breaker? China doesn't piss on the White House. Well, why would they? I'm sure it was expensive. Get out. Not without a selfie. Arrest them. Son, you have a right to refuse his order, and I guarantee you're going to die if you touch me, and there's no afterlife. Everything just goes black. Don't do it. Whoa, Rick! Okay. What was that? Death. What kind? Instant. There was no sound. He just died. Yeah, terrifying. It's a terrifying thing to watch happen. It's called a deterrent. You couldn't just knock him out? How is knocking out a deterrent? Everyone wants to be knocked out. Nobody wants to be dead. You committed murder in the Oval Office. Now you can't leave. That's fine. I said I'm not leaving without a selfie. Uh, I don't need a selfie. And I'm saying you aren't getting one and you aren't leaving. So we agree? Yes. No. We disagree because you think you're getting a selfie and leaving. Am I getting a selfie? Never. Then I'm never leaving. Exactly. See? Does anyone have a shot? Yes, nine people. I can show you. But I wouldn't recommend Open fire! God, you are dumb! Get the President out of here! Bad idea. Wait. Why? Because if there isn't someone in here that they're not supposed to kill, they're going to wreck the place trying to kill me. As long as you live, no matter where you are, if it isn't in a selfie with him, I'll be here. Jesus! He's not a [bleep] god! You don't know what I am! And you don't know what I can do! Jesus! It's It's cool, Rick! I'm Doctor Who in this [bleep] I could be a clone. I could be a hologram. We could be clones controlled by robots controlled with special headsets that the real Rick and Morty are wearing while they're [bleep] your mother! I'm going to kill you! Then come to 312 Olive Street! Is that her address? You don't know because you're a bad son! Ow! Take him down! Semper fi! Aaaaah! Number three, The Twister. Ow! Damn it. Number four The Hanky Panky. [ Knock on door ] Beth? My dad might have cloned me, and I might be the clone. And he says I'm not, but that's what he'd say to a clone. Typical. Number six, The Texas Ripple. You look like you to me. What are you, an idiot? [ Sighs ] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was so rude. I came to you for help, and now I'm insulting your intelligence. And look where intelligence gets you. Well, don't knock intelligence, because right now I'd love to understand how I can help you. I can't be in charge of that, Jerry. My mind, my ideas are all part of the variable. The only constant is you. You know me inside and out. Do what you have to do. Okay. Sit down. Now cross your legs. That leg on top. Good. Oh, what is this? [ Classical music play ] Senior year, I took you on a date to the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra performing the music of Alan Silvestri in the Park. At this point in the song from "Volcano," when Tommy Lee Jones and the utility workers are using cars to guide the lava into a cul-de-sac, I realized my palms were so sweaty, I would never get to hold your hand. But I was desperate to touch you, so I wiped my palm on the grass next to me. But a Snickers wrapper kind of got stuck on it, so I started kind of jiggling it, whipping it without moving too much. But you started looking over, and I thought, "Well, this is it. She's going to see that I'm a loser," and I'll never get to touch her. "But I still have time to touch her. " But my hand had Snickers on it, and the brass section was swelling because it was the scene with the guy melting in the lava. And I just thought, "[Bleep] it. Lips don't sweat. " Wow. Yeah. I'll never forget that feeling. You're the real thing. Then that settles it, because my memory is of hating that night. But now, reliving it, all I can feel is how lucky I am to be loved by such a simple, honest, simple man. Simple twice. This isn't the woman you married, Jerry, because this woman loves you. Uh well, vive la diffÃ©rence. [ Chuckles ] Okay. That was lame. Listen, I Words. Don Cheadle. [ Moaning ] You have the right to get the [bleep] out of my office! You have the right to kiss my dick! Give me the thing. Ugh! Oh! Ugh! Oh! [ Laughing ] Ugh! Ugh! Ohh! Submit! Submit for the selfie! I yield! I yield! Take the selfie! Okay. Morty, get in there and say, "Cheese. " Morty? Morty, come on! [ Sighs ] God damn it! [ Cellphone vibrating ] Rick, don't get mad, but I-I stole your portal gun. What the [bleep] Morty?! I told you I didn't want the damn selfie 800 times! Look, whatever the hell is going on between you and the president, it's got nothing to do with me. So where did you go? I can't tell you. Rick, did you tell my mom she might be a clone? No! I told her she wasn't! Well, isn't that what you'd tell a clone? Oh, for Christ's sake. Rick, my mom and dad are getting back together. What? No! She's not a clone! Well, she says it doesn't matter if she is or isn't because now she loves my dad, and she wanted me and Summer to come home, and we're hiding from you so you don't kill her if she's a clone in a place I picked that you will never find. So don't look for us. Come on, bitch! Oh, you come on, bitch. I'm out. I'm done. I've got to I've got to go. So I win. Then I'm in charge, and you can't leave. You're a terrorist. You're an enemy of the state, and you kicked me in the balls 10 minutes ago! The office of the President can't coexist with a living god that won't submit to it I mean, besides Poseidon. But he's locked up in Area 51 already, so that doesn't really count. Mr. President, I'll make you a deal. If you let me use your ghetto-ass off-brand deficit-tripling teleporter, I can go take care of something, and you'll never see me again. Yes. Deal. Invisi-troopers, stand down. [ All groan ] Yeah, yeah. I don't want to hear it. You know I could see them this whole time, right? Don't push it, Sanchez. [ Suspenseful music plays ] He found us! I told you we shouldn't have gone to the same cabin as last time! Oh, we're not going anywhere. This ends now. Dad, if you're my dad. Of course, you're not my dad. You're here with a gun because I am a clone. I guess I have all your daughter's memories. So I guess I was her, which makes me related to her. But I don't relate to her. She left her family and me, which means I relate to them. So if you kill me, fine. You're not killing her. But you're killing a real family. And instead of doing that, will you just go away? Aren't there, like, infinite time lines? Can't you just move to one where I don't know I'm a clone and where a different but identical version of your authentic sociopathic crazy bitch of a daughter can keep making you proud by being somewhere else? Beth, you crazy bitch. You're my daughter. I brought this here to kill Jerry. Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You win, Jerry. You win! No amount of genius can stop your dumb mediocre vacuous roots from digging into everything and everyone around you and draining them of any ability to fend you off. Well, it couldn't have been easy for you to say that. I appreciate it. Morty, where's my portal gun? Let's get out of here. I'm staying here, Rick. Are you Ugh! Nobody gets it. Nothing you think matters matters. This isn't special. This This is happening infinite times across infinite realities. Including this? [ Farts ] Yes! Which is not to say that, subjectively, it wasn't funny. Are you going to stay? There's infinite time lines, Morty. Why would I stay in the one where I trashed the White House, became an enemy of America and the lowest-status character in my idiot family? Because of the fart? There's still some rubble over there. I don't think you've ever understood what "Secretary of the Interior" means! Hi, Mr. President. I'm Rick Sanchez, but not the one that did this. We Ricks travel the infinite and switch places with each other like hermit crabs, I think. I'm fly-fishing Rick. You can distinguish me from the Rick that you had a falling-out with by my fly-fishing enthusiasm and accompanying hat. I hope I can be of service if, uh, you ever find the planet to be in danger. Friends? Sounds good to me. Kids, dinner! I got Panda Express! Did you get sugar chicken? That's kind of the only thing they have. I love Panda E! Thanks, Mom! I'm hoping to get a piece of your sugar chicken later. [ Laughs ] Stop it. Here's your [burps] stupid hat, dipshit. Dad, you can't talk to Jerry that way anymore. We're a real family now. In many ways, things will be like season 1 but more streamlined. Now Jerry and I are happily married parents, and the idea that I was motivated by a fear of you leaving can be eschewed. Eschewed? You've never used that word. Maybe you are a clone. [ Laughs ] It's not like Rick would tell us. [ Laughter ] Ooh-wee! What a season! Sorry I never showed up, but I got married. I had a baby. I went back to school and got my G-E-E-E-D. What did you do while you were waiting? Hopefully you didn't just [bleep] around and waste your life. Ooh-wee! See you for Season 4 in, like, a really long time! I might even have a big white Santa Claus beard and and and a And a couple of grandkids and all that kind of stuff. See you See you then! Did you get any of that?