Daria!

(opening credits)

(woman on TV holding high note, operatically)

SSW Announcer - They broke into her bedroom. She burst into song! The inappropriate alto, tonight on Sick, Sad World!

(TV is turned off)

(song - "Morning in the 'Burbs")

(in Helen and Jake's bedroom)

Jake - I got a big wheel rolling in my heart.

Helen - I really don't know what that's supposed to mean.

Jake - It means a Lawndale morning's going to start.

Helen - Put on your pants! We're seeing more than should be seen.

Neighbors - I'll say!

Helen - Today I'll be the perfect working wife and mother.

Jake - Today I'll show my clients that this man is strong.

Helen - But, oh, today's booked up like every other.

Jake - I'll probably tell my clients that they're right and I am wrong.

Both - But still it's morning in the 'burbs.

(in Quinn's bedroom)

Quinn - It's such a great day, I wish I could buy it. I look so good it makes my eyeballs hurt. Does this go with this top? Should I try it?

Quinn's reflection - Oh, put on any skirt or shirt. You'd even look good wearing dirt.

Quinn - Thanks!

Quinn and reflection - On this morning in the 'burbs.

(in Daria's bedroom)

Daria - Oh me, oh my. A lovely day is dawning. Oh, what a joy I didn't wake up dead. So I can go to school and then resume my yawning, and get my sleep in class instead of in my bed.

(in the kitchen)

Jake - Morning, Helen.

Helen - Morning, Jake.

Jake - Hair all right?

Quinn - Looks kind of fake.

Jake - Great! And now my leave I'll take. It's off to work I go.

Helen and Quinn - Bye!

Helen - What's the weather like today? (turns TV on)

Weatherman - Maybe a hurricane on the way.

Helen - (turns TV off) But it's such a lovely day.

Quinn - What does science know?

Daria - Oh, that's great. The toast is cold. What tales of nothing will unfold?

All - Here on this same old...

Daria - This same old...

All - Morning in the 'burbs!

(in the school cafeteria)

Brittany - Oh, my gosh! Look at the Jell-O!

Daria - It's jiggling.

Jane - Worried about the competition?

Brittany - Don't you see? It changed into the school colors... on Pep Rally Day. There really is a school spirit! Spooky.

Daria - Pep Rally Day?

Jane - Hmm. I guess we'd better make alternate plans.

Daria - Hello, Mr. Roof.

(in the school gymnasium)

Mack - Um, as captain of the team, I want to say, there are some things more important than winning.

Kevin - Yeah, like kicking some damn butt! Whoo-hoo! All right! We are the champions, my friends!

Mack - Uh, Kevin?

Kevin - I'm the Q.B.!

Ms. Li - Excuse me. Everybody, simmer down. Calm down. Calm down! That little hurricane advisory has been upgraded to a hurricane warning!

Jamie - Are we all going to die?

Ms. Li - Not on school property! You're all to go home.

Kevin - What about the big game?

Ms. Li - Canceled!

All - No!

(song - "If the Town Blew Away")

Ms. Li - Yes! Now, everybody out. Everybody out. An ordered, quiet exit is what exiting's about.

Mr. DeMartino - You will not scream or howl... or shout!

Students - Everybody out, everybody out.

Upchuck - (purring growl) But what if, what if, what if the town blew away?

Kevin - Where would the football players play?

Fashion Club - Where would we go to shop all day?

Mr. DeMartino and Mrs. Bennett - Would we still get three months off with pay?

Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch - If the town blew away?

(students mimick wind musically)

Jodie - Nowhere isn't anywhere I want to live.

Mack - Nowhere makes Lawndale look all right.

Jodie - Nowhere is an address that's very hard to give.

Upchuck - When you ask for a ride home on Friday night.

Brittany - I hope you're not too sad that you don't get to play.

Kevin - I am, but I think the weather's fine. "X-Files" says this is just the sneaky way the authorities create, like, a natural disaster thing to cover up the real reason the game's canceled. I mean, big game, big storm... coincidence?

Team - Well, we're not falling for their line! (singing in harmony behind Brittany and Kevin) What if the town blew away? What would the other townships say? Would they put up a plaque to mark the day our town blew away?

Brittany - Come on, Kevvy, don't be mad. I've got a way to make you glad. We'll go up to some other place.

Kevin - Hey, that's cool, babe. Let's go suck face!

(on the school roof)

Daria - Hey, look at what the newspaper is saying.

Jane - What?

Daria - It says a great big storm is on the way.

Jane - Cool.

Daria - The roof's not really where we should be staying.

Jane - Why?

Daria - 'Cause this big-ass storm is happening today.

Jane - Hey, what if the town blew away?

Daria - My sister would have nowhere to stay.

Jane - The mall would be gone, and that's okay.

Both - Down on your knees and begin to pray that the town blows away.

Daria - Let's head down. I want to live to see what this place looks like after it's obliterated.

Jane - You know, being a post-apocalyptic town is going to be cool. Other towns will be scared of us.

Daria - I'm sure they already are. (sees Brittany and Kevin making out) Oh, look, a hurricane of passion.

Brittany - Hi!

Daria - I hate to interrupt, but the newspaper says there's a big storm coming.

Jane - You might want to take your wholesome sports activities indoors.

Kevin - Wait, the newspaper said that? Oh, man! I thought Ms. Li was just covering up.

Brittany - Yeah, she was messing with our minds.

Jane - Why doesn't that add up for me?

Kevin - Ladies first. (knocks wedge away from door)

Daria - No...!

(door slams shut)

Daria - Great. Now we're not only going to die, the headline's going to read "Quarterback and others perish."

(song - "If the Town Blew Away")

Daria - I always knew that I would die in Nowheresville.

Jane - But I didn't think I'd die there quite so soon.

Kevin - Hey, this is like that video, "When Scary Storms Kill!"

Brittany - Will being dead wreck my afternoon?

All - If the town blows away?

(thunder rumbles)

(at Helen's office)

Marianne - Um, Helen, I was just wondering. If there isn't anything more to do, you know, I thought maybe I could go home and say good-bye to my loved ones.

Helen - Oh, I suppose I can send this fax myself.

Marianne - Thank you! (leaves)

Helen - Kiss the kids good-bye for me... I mean, good night. Damn!

Eric - Helen! What are you doing here?! There's a hurricane coming! I know I never said it before, but... Helen... oh, Helen... you're so swell... en. (looks at watch) Hot damn! I'll e-mail you. (leaves)

Helen - Don't worry about me. I've just got a few things to wrap up and then I'll be... where's my appointment book?

(at Cashman's)

Quinn - This one doesn't make so much noise.

Sandi - But Quinn, aren't you afraid that you look like a Hefty bag... not that you do.

Stacy - Uh-uh.

Tiffany - No way.

Theresa - Sorry, ladies, the store's closing. The hurricane.

Sandi - Let's get out of here while there's still time to walk. Running for your life is so geeky.

Tiffany - Oh, no. Wind... hair.

Sandi - Come on, Quinn. We'll come back tomorrow and find a color that doesn't make you look so... sick.

Quinn - We'll find a better color tomorrow?! (sighs) Don't they know I can't leave yet?

(song - "I Can't Leave Yet")

Quinn - Why don't they know? It's easy to see that I can't go till I'm dressed perfectly?

Helen - Why don't they guess? It's more than a quirk. I've got to confess I'm addicted to work.

Quinn on fax - A shrink would have a field day with my head.

Helen - If he listened to the sentence I just said.

Jake and Daria in photos - Obsessive kids and moms just might be ticking bombs.

Helen and Quinn - So I'll keep it to myself instead.

Quinn - It doesn't matter really what I do or wear.

Helen in photo - I could do a half-assed job and nobody would care.

Fashion Club in photo - But wowing colleagues and friends is the greatest of life's ends.

Helen and Quinn - So when life ends at least it ends with style and flair!

Helen - Coming in second wouldn't be the worst.

Quinn - As long as no one else was first.

Helen - Oh, don't they know?

Quinn - Tell them it's so.

Helen and Quinn - Don't they know I can't leave yet?

(pager beeps)

Quinn - Okay, Mom, I'm coming home. I'll be the one in the Hefty bag. (sighs and leaves)

(Helen sighs and leaves)

(Jake on the highway)

Helen on answering machine - Hello. You've reached the Morgendorffer residence. No one's home right now.

Jake - What do you mean, no one's home right now?! Daria, Quinn? Please get home and answer the damn phone!

(song - "Gah, Gah, Damn It!")

Jake - I got a foot on the gas and a hammer in my head thinking 'bout my girls and the ways they might be dead. They should be safe at home and warm and by the fire instead of warming up to sing in that heavenly choir. Gah, gah, damn it!

Driver - Learn to drive, jerk!

Jake - Gah, gah, damn it!

Driver - Glad you got your horn to work!

Jake - Gah, gah, damn it!

Driver - Stay in your lane!

Jake - There's a hurricane coming and I'm going insane!

Husband - Quit swearing like a drunkard and get right with the Lord.

Wife - We're a very moral family with a baby on board.

Jake - And I say gah, gah, damn it!

Both - Oh me, oh my!

Jake - Gah, gah, damn it!

Both - We hope that you die!

Jake - Gah, gah, damn it!

All - You tell 'em, jack!

Jake - I think I see my turn-off so you'd better get back! (swerves across traffic)

All - Gah, gah, damn it!

(at Daria's house)

Helen - Now, let's see. We've got the windows taped up, emergency provisions, spare batteries... oh, I wish I knew that your father and Daria were safe! Quinn, what are you doing?

Quinn - Making cocoa.

Helen - Why?

Quinn - I saw this TV movie about this really cute family of teens who got stranded during a hurricane. When they got nervous, they'd drink cocoa.

Helen - Now, sweetie, there's nothing to worry about. (door slams) Looters!

Jake - Helen, Quinn! Daria?

Helen - Oh, no! I was hoping she was with you.

Jake - You mean she's out there? In that maelstrom?! Oh, God, no!

Helen - It's not actually raining yet, Jake.

Quinn - She's probably at her friend's house.

Jake - Yes, yes, that's where she is! (dials phone) Hello, hello?!

Helen - Quinn, pour your father some of that cocoa.

(at Jane's house; Trent's duck-phone quacks)

Trent - Hello? No, Daria's not here. You want the Morgendorffers.

Jake - God...! (wailing groan) I am the Morgendorffers!

Helen - Give me that. Hello? Trent? You haven't seen the girls? Are your parents there? Are they in town at all? Have you done anything to prepare for this hurricane? Yes, hurricane! Trent, I want you to come over and wait for the girls here. You'll be safer. Then put some on! And get over here now, young man! (hangs up) Doesn't anybody in this town wear pants anymore?

(on the school roof)

Daria - It's like this: if we don't go into that water tank shack, we'll blow off the roof and die.

Brittany - But it looks so...

Jane - I believe "icky" is the word you're groping for.

(inside the shack)

Daria - Um, Brittany, would you mind pointing those things in another direction?

Brittany - Sorry.

Daria - My parents are probably starting to worry.

Jane - I know mine would be, if they were in town.

Daria - What about Trent? I'll bet he's upset.

Jane - I'll bet he's snoring.

(song - "They Must Be Worried")

Jane - Our families and friends...

Daria - Busy saving their rear ends...

Jane - May have overlooked an absent teen or two.

Kevin - But by now they're catching on that two well-liked kids are gone...

Brittany - And I'll bet that someone's even missing you.

Kevin and Brittany - So, while the wind does blow on our loved ones down below, we wish that we could tell them we're okay.

Jane - And I'd say I'm on the roof with a bimbo and a goof, but I'm due to come back down most any day.

Brittany - They must be worried.

Daria - They're probably distressed.

Brittany - They must be worried.

Jane - It's causing them unrest.

All - They must be worried.

(Jane, Brittany and Kevin harmonize)

Daria - It's really hard to guess exactly what Quinn's thinking, though my instinct says it's probably about her shoes. Mom and Dad, though, I don't think are exactly tickled pink that I've vanished, and that I've left no clues. They must be worried.

Jane, Brittany and Kevin - I wouldn't be surprised.

Daria - They must be worried.

Jane, Brittany and Kevin - Getting misty in the eyes.

Daria - They must be...

All - Worried.

(wind howls, shack creaks, thunder rumbles, debris crashes)

(at Daria's house)

Jake - Gah! I can't take it anymore!

Trent - Whoa. No more cocoa for you, man.

Jake - It's not the cocoa. The cocoa's fine!

Quinn - Thanks!

Jake - It's this sitting here doing nothing! My little girl's lost in the middle of a hurricane! I should be out there looking for her!

Helen - Jake, I'm sure Daria had the good sense to find shelter. There's no point in putting yourself in danger, acting like an idiot with a Superman complex.

Jake - Damn it, Helen! This is no time for your girlie crap!

Helen - What?

Jake - That touchy-feely garbage! Who do you want in an emergency: Superman, or your damn inner child? I'm acting like an idiot? No! I'm acting like a man!

(song - "Manly")

Jake - It used to be enough to be strong and good and tough and go try whatever hasn't been tried. But now I'm a jerk with a brain that doesn't work if I don't consult my feminine side of what it is to be manly.

Helen, Quinn and Trent - Manly!

Jake - Maybe we should stay here and hug. Would that be more manly?

Helen, Quinn and Trent - Manly!

Jake - Oh, kill me now, I think I squashed a bug.

Helen - Trent, can't you talk some sense into him?

Trent - Sounds sensible enough to me. (grabs guitar and starts playing) I can show that I care. I can cry, I can share. Got my brain in a sensitive whirl. But please tell me why being such a modern guy makes me feel like a bearded girl! I guess that's not manly.

Helen, Quinn and Jake - Manly!

Trent - I do nothing, but hey, I feel, I feel mighty manly.

Helen, Quinn and Jake - Manly!

Trent - I'm so excited I just might scream. (throws guitar aside)

Jake - Come here, big guy.

Trent - You got it, boss.

Jake - I'm proud to be the home of a Y chromosome.

Trent - I'm proud this hair is growing on my chin.

Jake - Let's get the hell out there.

Trent - Find those girls for who we care.

Jake - We won't be back till we can bring 'em in.

Jake and Trent - We're gonna be manly.

Helen and Quinn - Manly!

Trent - Hang on, help is on the way!

Jake and Trent - It's time to be manly.

Helen and Quinn - Manly!

Jake - Honey... is that okay?

All - Manly!

Jake - C'mon, Trent! Your daughter and my sister are out there.

Trent - That doesn't sound right.

Jake - And we've got to find them. It's our duty, damn it!

Trent - Damn it, you're right!

Jake - Damn it, let's go!

Helen - Jakey, be careful.

Quinn - Yeah, dad.

Jake - Got to save those girls, damn it!

Trent - Damn it, let's do it!

(car crashes)

Jake - Damn it!

(on the school roof)

Jane - Um, don't look now, but our little love nest is about to collapse.

Brittany - Oh, no! What do we do?

Daria - I guess we're going to have to take our chances out there.

Kevin - Okay, ready? I'm going to open the door.

Jane - Like before?

(Kevin repeatedly pulls on door)

Daria - Just like before.

Kevin - I give up, it's stuck.

Brittany - You give up? You can't give up!

(song - "Manly")

Daria - The girl with the squeak says it's no time to be meek. Time to do what you manly men do.

Jane - She means break down the door. Give a holler or a roar, make some stupid football noise and bust through.

Brittany - You've got to be manly.

Daria, Jane and Brittany - Manly!

(Kevin slams into door)

Daria - My great aunt could do better, and she's dead!

Brittany - Come on and be manly!

Daria, Jane and Brittany - Manly!

Jane - Now apply your mighty helmet of a head!

Kevin - Manly! (crashes through door)

Brittany - Did he hurt himself?

Daria - Not anywhere either of you would notice.

Kevin - Hey, check it out. The storm's over.

Brittany - Kevvy, you did it!

Daria - And look, Brittany, he also made a rainbow.

Jane - Is there anything this popular boy can't do?

(song - "The Big, Wet Rainstorm's Over")

All - The big, wet rainstorm's over. We're happy we're still here. The big, wet rainstorm's over. The end came very near.

Daria and Jane - We didn't die with Brittany. Instead, we got to sit and see...

Brittany - Kevin's head act mightily!

Kevin - Oh, babe!

All - The big, wet rainstorm's over!

(Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany at Tiffany's house)

All - The big, wet rainstorm's over. Where's Quinn?

Sandi - And do we care?

All - The big, wet rainstorm's over.

Stacy - She's in a store somewhere.

Sandi - How do you like this jersey top?

Tiffany - Its colors make your highlights pop.

Stacy - Okay, we're dressed, now we can shop.

All - The big, wet rainstorm's over!

(Mack and Jodie at Jodie's house)

Both - The big, wet rainstorm's over and Lawndale's still the same. The big, wet rainstorm's over and our life is once more tame.

Jodie - Though if the town were gone today...

Mack - And all the people blown away...

Both - We'd be in the major-i-tay. The big, wet rainstorm's over.

(near Daria's house)

Little Girl - The big, wet rainstorm's over. I think you hurt your car.

Jake - The big, wet rainstorm's over. Now will you go real far away from me because, you see, I crashed my car into a tree and I'm as mad as mad can be!

Little Girl - The big, wet rainstorm's over.

Jake - You okay?

Trent - I'm okay. You okay?

Jake - A-okay!

Both - The big, wet rainstorm's over. The air bag saved our life. The big, wet rainstorm's over.

Jake - Explain this to the wife! Now will you please get out and see...

Trent - The damage done by this here tree?

Jake - The sight's a bit too much for me!

(Daria and Jane arrive)

All - The big, wet rainstorm's over!

Trent - Janey! Oh, man, you're all right. (hugs Jane)

Jane - Trent, you were worried.

Trent - And you're okay too, Daria. Cool. (hugs Daria)

Daria - (mutters) Mm-hmm, fine.

Jake - Daria, you're safe!

Daria - Dad, you crashed the car.

(song - "Morning in the 'Burbs")

Jake - I don't care a fig about my smashed-up Lexus. You're really what my caring is all about. (hugs Daria)

Daria - That must be why you've crushed my solar plexus.

Jake - I'm sorry, hon, but I'm so happy I could shout.

Quinn - So you found my sis at last.

Helen - Crashed the car.

Jake - Ah, the past is past.

Helen - At least you didn't break your neck.

Quinn - Could have, though.

Daria - But what the heck, 'cause...

(Helen, Jake, Quinn, Trent and Jane harmonize)

Daria - Today was strange in extremes, and that's put lightly. And yet, it started out so dull, and pretty dumb. And so, this feeling I feel I don't feel slightly. It's the hope that tomorrow will come, and another weird morning.

Quinn - Yes, a-dawning.

Jane - An exciting new day a-borning.

(crowd gathers)

All - No need for a surgeon general's warning. Morning...

Upchuck - Morning!

All - It's morning, morning, morning in the 'burbs!

Kevin - Yeah!

(closing credits)