Hookers, Hookers, Hookers

(At Charlie's Malibu Beach House) (Lyndsey passes gas, phone rings) (At Lyndsey's House) (continues coughing)
 * (men laughing in distance)
 * Charlie: So, Alan's, like, I don't know, five, six years old and I walk on his bedroom and he's in there with the dog, and I start yelling, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no! Are you crazy?! Stop that!" Looks up at me and he says, "What?" I say "Alan, the dog is supposed to lick the peanut butter off you."
 * All: (laugh)
 * Charlie: To this day, I can't eat peanut butter.
 * Alan: Hello?
 * Charlie: Hey, we were just talking about you.
 * Alan: All good, I hope.
 * Gordon: Oh, yeah, it was good.
 * All: (laugh)
 * Alan: So, what's going on?
 * Charlie: Just having a drink with a few friends. Chris, I believe you know my brother, The man who's banging your wife and burned down your house.
 * Chris: Hi.
 * Charlie: Pull up a chair. Have a drink with your girlfriend's ex and your wife's new husband.
 * Gordon: I just brought the pizza. I don't think I've slept with anyone you know.
 * Alan: Okay.
 * Charlie: Hey, you know what I just realized? You three guys have all slept with each other.
 * Chris: Hat?
 * Alan: What?
 * Herb: With all due respect, Charlie, I think I'd remember that.
 * Charlie: No, no, think about it. They say that when you have sex with someone, you're basically having sex with anyone they've ever had sex with.
 * Herb: Oh. I guess you and I have done the dirty deed. because of Judith, not the peanut butter dog.
 * Alan: You told them?!
 * Charlie: I tell everybody.
 * Gordon: Wait. So Herb has slept with Alan, and Alan has slept with Chris, which means that...
 * Herb: I've slept with Lyndsey! (chuckles) Yes!
 * Lyndsey: Hello?
 * Alan: How could you sleep with Herb?
 * Lyndsey: Alan, is that you? Who's Herb? Where are you?
 * Alan: I'm in our house.
 * Lyndsey: What are you doing there?
 * Alan: Because there's nowhere else for me to go 'cause you won't forgive me. Why won't you forgive me?
 * Lyndsey: You're drunk.
 * Alan: Yeah, well, you farted at me.
 * Lyndsey: Good-bye, Alan.
 * Eldridge: Where's Jake?
 * Lyndsey: He left hours ago, to get away from you.
 * Eldridge: Where's Alan?
 * Lyndsey: He left to get away from me.
 * Lyndsey: Where's what's-his-name, The guy who owns the house?
 * Lyndsey: He left to get away from all of us.
 * Eldridge: Hey, this is working out pretty good, huh?
 * Charlie: You know, I envy you guys. You're all been married, have kids. Yeah, it didn't end well, but for a moment in time, each and every one of you experienced what it is to have a family, to give and receive unconditional love.
 * Herb: My marriage isn 't over.
 * Chris: Dude, you're been taking out the garbage for two-and-a-half hours.
 * Herb: I said it wasn't over, I didn't say it was good.
 * Alan: Really, Charlie, you envy us?
 * Charlie: Oh, come on, look at me. What do I have? A big house on the beach, more money then I know what to do with... And a cell phone full of candid video for me having uninhibited sex with beautiful women whose name I didn't remember. (Chuckles)
 * Herb (quietly): I don't think he envies us at all.
 * Alan: Good catch, Herb.
 * Chris: I gotta go pee.
 * Alan: Oh, uh, bathroom's right back there.
 * Chris: I know where it is! I used to live here.
 * Alan: Right, right.
 * Charlie: That's a classy guy. Using the toilet in a house with no plumbing.
 * Herb: Where have you been going?
 * Charlie: Refrigerator. I filled the vegetable crisper.
 * Herb: See? That's what I love about you, Charlie. You're a maverick. I gotta start being more mavericks-ky.
 * Judith (off-screen): Herb, where the hell are you?
 * Herb: Maybe tomorrow. Hey, Lyndsey, you'll never guess what we figured out about you and me.
 * Judith (off-screen): Herb!
 * Herb: See ya soon.
 * Lyndsey: Alan, let's go home.
 * Alan: You came to get me?
 * Lyndsey: Yeah.
 * Alan: You forgive me?
 * Lyndsey: Well, I thought about it and...
 * Chris(off-screen): Hey, Lyndsey.
 * Lyndsey: Chris. What are you doing here?
 * Chris: Well, I came to see the damage and I just started thinking about us. What an idiot I was.
 * Lyndsey: You were, you know?
 * Chris: I'd give anything to start over.
 * Lyndsey: Really?
 * Alan: Uh, excuse me, but weren't you about to forgive me?
 * Chris: Can we go out someplace and have a cup of coffee and maybe, I don't know, just talk?
 * Alan (coughs): Babysitter.
 * Lyndsey: Well, I guess. there's nothing wrong with talking.
 * Chris: That's great. I can't tell you how much I've missed you and Eldridge.
 * Lyndsey: He really needs a father, Chris.
 * Alan: Uh, so I'll see you back at the house, right? She left her kid there; she's gotta come back.
 * Charlie: Would you come back for that kid?
 * Alan: She's never coming back.
 * Gordon: (muttering)