The Stew, The Proud

Narrator: One day, at the city library…

(Scene: the library. The librarian, Ms. Dewey, is walking through the stacks of books with Milt, a new librarian in training. He is holding a magnifying glass to his eye, looking around.)

Ms. Dewey: Now then, since I am the city’s chief executive librarian, it is my job to show you the ropes. (pauses) And there they are!

(They are now standing in the aisle next to the main desk, which has rows of poles with red velvet ropes joining them together.)

Ms. Dewey: That’s where people wait in line when they check out books!

Milt: Oh, I get it, that’s funny. Miss Dewey, you can’t teach me anything about velvet ropes that I haven’t already learned at the Librarian Academy. Okay?

Ms. Dewey: Milt, you’re sounding a little  arrogant . Now any more questions?

Milt: Yeah, uh, just one. Who is-- (looking at a document) --Becky Botsford? Because according to my list here, she has thirty-seven books checked out, all due back before closing time today!

Ms. Dewey: (laughing) You don’t have to worry about Becky Botsford being  overdue . She’s borrowed thousands of books from us and she’s never been late.

Milt: Maybe so… but if just one of those books comes back late, I’ll slap an  overdue  fine on her so fast it’ll make her library card spin!

(He takes his rubber stamp and slams it down onto a blank notepad, leaving a large red “X”. Then he kisses it and tosses it aside.)

Milt: Right in my pocket.

Narrator: Meanwhile, across town at the Botsford’s…

(Scene: the Botsford house. Becky has been loading library books into the back of the family car, and Bob is standing on the trunk trying to close it. Becky approaches, carrying a stack of books in one hand while reading from another book she is holding in her other hand.)

Becky: (reading) “Fair Thee Well, young stallion. For you are free now.” Ahh. What a perfect narrative.

(She throws the rest of the books into the trunk.)

Becky: (shouting) Dad, we’re ready to go to the library now!

Mr. Botsford: Coming, Pumpkin!

(He approaches, carrying a brush.)

Becky: Whoa, what’s the barbecue brush for, Dad?

Mr. Botsford: Well, before we return your library books, we’re going to make a quick stop at the bookstore so I can get this baby autographed by Raul Demiglasse!

Becky: Who?

Mr. Botsford: The famous chef from TV!

(Becky shrugs.)

Mr. Botsford: You mean you never heard of his cooking show, “If You Can’t Stand the Heat, Get Out of the Kitchen”? Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Becky: Oh, Bob’s not allowed to watch cooking shows anymore, since he licked the TV.

Mr. Botsford: Well, I don’t blame you, Bob. Raul Demiglasse is the best chef on TV and he’s reading from his new cookbook at Libri’s Bookstore this afternoon.

(Becky is becoming concerned about the delay.)

Becky: But we can head to the library after that, right? Because they’re only open until five. And if I’m late, they’ll be  overdue . And I’ve never been late or  overdue . Never. Never. I can’t do it.

Mr. Botsford: Oh sure thing, Pumpkin. We will get you to the library before they close.

(He looks at all the books in the car and gasps.)

Mr. Botsford: Oooo, wood panels basement! Are those all due back today?

Becky: Yep, it was a light week.

(The scene shifts to the bookstore, which is decorated with banners and a stand-up figure of the famous chef. Inside, Raul is taste-testing a dish that someone has submitted.)

Raul: Yuck! You call this food? Where’s the fresh cheddar cheese? Where’s the garlic salt? Where’s the Sha-ZAP?

(A crowd of onlookers cheers.)

Raul: Oh, Joe! Are you gonna cry now?

(Raul flings some confetti-like particles onto Joe, the man who brought the dish. His eyes start watering.)

Joe: (wiping his eyes) No… uh… I...

Raul: If you’re gonna cry, then I’m sorry, you gotta… GET OUTTA THE KITCHEN!

(The onlookers cheer again. Joe walks off carrying his crock pot, still crying.)

Raul: Folks-- those of you who watch my show on TV know that I, Raul Demiglasse, am very, very famous. Not just for cooking, but because I can make anyone cry. Some cry because they love my food, some cry because they can’t make their food like Raul makes it. But hey, it’s like I always say-- If you can’t stand the heat…

Everyone: (together) Get out of the kitchen!

(Becky, Bob and Mr. Botsford enter the bookstore during Raul’s speech.)

Mr. Botsford: Yeah-he-he-he-hea!

Becky: I don’t know, Dad. Raul seems like kind of a bully! And he’s so  arrogant !

Mr. Botsford: I know! Isn’t he great?

Becky: Uh, no, Dad.  Arrogant  means to be a show-off, to act like you think you’re better than everyone else.

Mr. Botsford: I just hope he likes my sauce brush.

Raul: Now who wants to meet the best chef in the whole wide world, eh?

Mr. Botsford: Ooh! Now’s my chance. Back in a jif, you kids stay here. Wow, this is awesome!

Becky: Look at that line! I hope we make it to the library before they close. We only have two hours!

(The Butcher comes in carrying a large crock pot. He knocks over Bob in the process.)

Butcher: Pardon me, excuse me!

(Bob gets up and shakes his fist at him. The Butcher pushes past the other onlookers.)

Butcher: Hey, I was savorin’ that place in line!

Becky: (gasps) The Butcher! What’s HE doing here?

(Scene: Back at the library. Milt is looking through books.)

Milt: There she is again! There she is AGAIN! You know, I’ve been looking in the jackets of all these books, and Becky Botsford has checked out almost every one of them. There must be thousands. And you say she’s never been  overdue ?

Ms. Dewey: Becky Botsford is the kind of girl that makes me proud to be a librarian!

Milt: You know what makes ME proud to be a librarian? (picks up his rubber stamp) Catching people like Becky Botsford when they turn in  overdue  books. No one gets special treatment! As soon as the clock strikes five, she’s going down! With my stamp-- right here!  Overdue !

(He slams the stamp down onto the table several times, and ends up leaving red X’s on his hand. He casually tries to wipe it off.)

Narrator: Meanwhile, back at Libri’s Bookstore..

(Scene: back at the bookstore. Bob is eating from Joe’s pot. Becky looks at her watch, and is becoming increasingly impatient. Raul is autographing a copy of his book using a pastry bag.)

Raul: Sha-Zap! Who’s next?

(The Butcher comes up to the table carrying his pot.)

Butcher: Ha, uh, greenerings, Raul! My name is The Butcher, and uh…

Raul: Yeah, yeah, I’ll sign to Mister--

(He positions his pastry bag to sign another autograph, but then sees that there isn’t a book on the table.)

Raul: --Oh wait a minute, where’s my book? You did buy my book, right?

Butcher: N- no, but I’m a big fan. And, I was hopin’ you could try my beef stew-nami!

(He holds the crock pot in front of Raul.)

Raul: Oh, oh, everybody wants me to try their dish, okay, here’s how it works, buddy. You buy my book, I sign the book. Sha-Zap. Okay? Boom. Next!

Butcher: Na-- Nah, nah, look, if you could just try my stew-nami, I- I think you’ll find--

Raul: Hey! You buy my book, or get outta the kitchen!

(Everyone cheers at his catchphrase.)

Butcher: Look! Would you just try the stew, already?

(Raul sighs, and holds up a ladle. He dips it in the pot, holds it up, then dumps it out.)

Raul: I don’t like it!

Butcher: But you didn’t even taste it!

Raul: Oh what, are you gonna cry?

(Raul flicks particles into Butcher’s face.)

Butcher: Hey! Cut that out!

Raul: I think somebody can’t take the heat! Am I right, folks?

(A collective “oooh” is heard from the group.)

Mr. Botsford: Yeah! What’s gonna happen??

(The Butcher’s eyes are watering from the particles Raul is throwing at him.)

Butcher: I’m warnerin’ you!

Raul: Maybe you should get out of the--

Butcher: PASTRAMI ATTACK!

(The Butcher launches a pastrami attack on Raul, covering him.)

Raul: Pastrami?

Butcher: Yeah, that’s right, champ! And neither of us is gettin’ out of any kitchen, until I make somethin’ you like! Even if it takes all day! Got it?

(Everyone except Becky seems to excited over the action.)

Becky: All day? But the library closes in thirty minutes! What are we gonna do?

(Scene: Back at the library. The clock reads twenty-five minutes until five.)

Milt: Tick, tock, snickety-snock, twenty-five minutes to five o’clock! Is today the day Becky Botsford joins the ranks of the  overdue , Ms. Dewey?

Ms. Dewey: She WILL be here by five! (whispering to herself) I hope.

Milt: We’ll see.

Narrator: Back at the bookstore, the Butcher’s diabolical taste test is well underway.

Butcher: (holding a steak) Down the hatch!

Raul: No!

Butcher: Here comes the choo-choo train!

Raul: Never!

(Becky starts talking to Bob, who is finishing off Joe’s crock pot.)

Becky: Okay. It’s okay. Get it together. New plan. I’ll transform into WordGirl and find a way to take down the Butcher. You sneak out, get those books from the car, and get them back before closing time. Okay?

(Bob smiles at her and points.)

Becky: Okay! Good plan! Word UP!

(She transforms into WordGirl.)

Mr. Botsford: Oh! Excuse me, WordGirl.

WordGirl: Dad! I mean, Mr. Dad. I mean,, Mr. Botsford. Hello.

Mr. Botsford: Say WordGirl, I’m looking for my daughter Becky. She’s about your age, your height, your hair color…

WordGirl: Maybe she’s in the classics section?

Mr. Botsford: Thanks for the tip! (walks off)

WordGirl: Sure thing! Word--

Mr. Botsford: Oh, me again. One last question. Is that Captain Huggy Face out there breaking into my car?

WordGirl: Oh.

(Huggy is outside struggling unsuccessfully to open the door of the Botsford sedan. He gives up, waves at them, then walks off.)

Raul: Your corned beef needs more Sha-Zap! And your pot pie is too bland!

(He tosses more particles at the Butcher.)

Butcher: You’re not gonna make me cry like those people on TV, Raul!

Raul: Oh, no? Try my own beef stew. Sha-Zappy!

(He holds up another crock pot. The onlookers go “oooh”.)

Butcher: You think you’re so great! But you’re just glarrogant!

WordGirl: Hold it right there-- both of you! And the work is  arrogant , not glarrogant. I’m calling off this taste test so I can return my librar--ew-- so we can all go home!

(The crowd boos.)

WordGirl: Huh?

Narrator: They don’t want to leave. I guess they’re having too much fun!

WordGirl: This is fun?

Mr. Botsford: It totally is! It’s just like the end of Raul’s TV show. Raul and the challenger each make the same dish, and then a judge does a blind test to decide who’s the winner!

Raul: And I always win! And then the loser, he cries!

Butcher: Well, we both made beef stew. So we can use that for the taste test.

WordGirl: Great, then! So is there anyone out there who would like to eat a large amount of beef stew?

(The crowd goes “stoooo”. Huggy shoves them out of the way and jumps over the table, knocking WordGirl, Butcher and Raul down, along with the crock pots. While on the ground, Huggy notices a stack of canned beans, and picks one up to look at it. He shows it to WordGirl.)

WordGirl: Tex Connelly's Beef Stew in a Can? Raul! You were cheating!

Butcher: These white flecky things… they’re-- (sniffs) --RAW ONIONS?!

(Huggy, who had been eating them from the bag, tosses it aside. His eyes are watering.)

WordGirl: Raw onions make you tear up! So THAT’S how Raul has been making everyone cry!

(Raul becomes very uncomfortable and starts tugging at his collar.)

Raul: Uhh… Sha-Zap?

(The crowd boos him in unison.)

Butcher: I don’t know what I ever saw in you, Raul! I think my homemade recipes are ten times more Sha-Zap!

Mr. Botsford: I can’t believe I almost let you sign my sauce brush!

Joe: I want my money back!

Raul: Um, uh-- gettin’ out of this kitchen!

(He starts running off, and the crowd of people chase after him.)

Butcher: So WordGirl, do I win the cook-off?

WordGirl: Um, sure, why not?

Butcher: Hooray!

(Officer Jim is standing next to Butcher and leads him off to jail.)

WordGirl: Great entrance, Huggy! Right on time!

(Huggy throws his arms up and chatters, then holds his watch out.)

WordGirl: (gasping) Time! Time! Five minutes to five? Oh no, the library books! Oh, we have to go! Word UP!

(She grabs Huggy and takes off. Then they reappear as Becky and Bob, and walk up to Mr. Botsford.)

Becky: Dad!

Mr. Botsford: Becky! There you are, you missed all the--

(She grabs her dad and drags him out of the bookstore.)

(Back at the library, the clock is getting closer to five.)

Milt: Oh! What does Mr. Clock on the wall say? T-minus two minutes to closing time, and thirty-seven books still checked out. Sounds to me like a recipe for  overdue  fines!

Ms. Dewey: Becky’s never let us down, she’ll be here! (She looks up at the clock with concern.) I think.

Milt: Well, I guess I’ll just lock the door and get out my rubber stamp that says “ OVERDUE ”! And I’m gonna put some fresh ink on there, there you go.

Ms. Dewey: (whispering to herself) Come on, Becky!

(The clock flips over to one minute until five. Milt holds out the key, and starts to put it into the door. Just as he prepares to lock the door, it swings open.)

Milt: Oh, no, ma’am.

Becky: Not--  Overdue !

(Becky, Bob and Mr. Botsford come flying through the door in slow motion, each carrying a huge stack of books. As the clock gets ready to change over to five o’clock, they all set their piles of books onto the front desk. As soon as they have done it, the clock registers the hour. All three of them lie on the floor exhausted.)

Becky: (catching her breath) I’m here! I’m sorry to cut it so close, Ms. Dewey, it’s just you see my dad had this barbecue brush, and he really wanted to get it signed by this crazy chef, and then the Butcher was there,and he was like, “Try my stuff,” and the chef was like, “No way,” and-- ohh. They were really good books.

Milt: Oh, n-- how-- nnngh! Okay, well don’t you worry, because there will be a day when Becky Botsford IS  overdue , and I will be here waiting! Me… and my rubber stamp.

Narrator: And so, the plans of the  arrogant , the dangerous and the just plain silly have once again been foiled by WordGirl and Captain Huggy Face! And don’t forget, if you have a yearning for fun and adventure, you just may be  overdue  for your next episode of-- WordGirl.

(During the closing scene, Captain Huggy Face slaps a rubber stamp onto the background of the city, leaving an impression of WordGirl and Huggy holding stacks of books.)