Take a Letter

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Family Guy 14x17 Take a Letter @elderman Peter, we got to talk. Ugh. I'm concerned about Stewie's preschool. Look what they're serving at snack time. Is-is that? It's dog milk. They're serving dog milk to our children. Aw, sweet, dilk. I don't want Stewie in that school anymore. It seems like it's really gone downhill. She's not wrong to worry. There's a sign in the bathroom that says, "If it's brown, let it mellow. " Sometimes it crests the toilet lid. Peter, I think we should send Stewie to Corridors. I know it's a little pricey, but it's the best preschool in the area. Really? Is that the one where they make 'em dress in the little shorts and hats like the guy in AC/DC? Yeah, why does he wear that outfit? 'Cause he rocks. When I picked this, I didn't know I'd have to wear it when I'm 60! I'm very cold! You know what seems like a lie to me? A Forever stamp that says "Love" on it. Oh, you want to go ahead of me? Hey, how are you? You know what seems like a lie to me? I can help the fourth person in line. One, two, three yes! Cleveland, you work here? Yup, finally landed myself a job. Hey, what can Brown do for you? (laughs) That's our competitor, though. I'm not supposed to say that. It's grounds for dismissal if anyone ever got fired here, but they don't. Well, good for you. Oh, could I get a return receipt for this? It's Stewie's registration form for his new school. Lil' Papa Stew-Stew's off to college? No, just preschool. He's very young. Can you just charge me my weirdly uneven price so I can be done? All right, that's $2. 16. $4. 37 if you want to send it the priority. Oh, no, we got to start saving our pennies now that we're sending Stewie to a new school. I'm actually doing some job hunting after this. SEAMUS: Let's go up there! You know, Lois, the post office is hiring. Really? Oh, wow, that'd be great. Yeah, I'd be happy to get you an interview, and as a white woman, you'd be a minority here, unless you're an alcoholic. Wow, this place is really fancy. Their Flat Stanley is actually award-winning actor Stanley Tucci. Sometimes I wear glasses and sometimes I don't. Hi, I'm Chadley. I've been kidnapped three times because I come from money. Oh, yes, I've heard about your family. You've had two older brothers die of drugs? That's right. Stewie, what would you say to a playdate at my house tomorrow? That sounds delightful. My word, it feels so good to finally be where I belong. Like Judd Hirsch at the gigantic sweater store. Hi, uh, all five of us are Judd Hirsch. Do you have a sweater big enough to fit all of us? Okay, everybody climb in. Ah, I can't wait to spill soup on this. Okay, Judds, shamble away. Good having you aboard, Lois. Let me show you around. That guy right there? Larry. Okay, got it. A-And what's this giant, (echoing): empty, football-stadium-sized room? Oh, the post office anticipates that within the next five years at least 200 million men in this country will be ordering and receiving RealDolls. Every man will have seven to nine RealDolls. Asians, blonde Southern girls, blonde Asians capable of performing every possible sexual act, or at least incapable of refusing. You can put one in your car and drive in the car pool lane with it and then maybe you push her head down, thus defeating the purpose of the car pool lane while fulfilling the purpose of the RealDoll. Maybe a trucker goes by. You say, "Hey, Janine, give him a show. " Maybe later you ask yourself some tough questions, like, "Why is it so important to you to impress and excite truckers?" Anyhoo, grab that letter opener. I'm gonna show you why you should never mail cash. Another good postal tip is, if you wait to deliver your mail at night, you can smell a lot of really nice dinners. Oh, no, it's that Amazon drone. Try to ignore it. Hey, Cleveland, what are you doing? Taking a walk? No, I'm delivering mail. By foot? Yeah, that won't take too long. Well, got to go. Got to deliver these fat pants to your fat son. He was harsh but not untruthful. We got to special-order Cleveland Jr. 's pants from a company that manufactures grill covers. Thanks for coming over, Stewie. Oh, thanks for having me. Quite a place you've got here. Your mother seemed nice. Yeah, I've only met her a couple of times, but yeah. This is my bedroom. Is that car bed a Bentley? And is that guy the driver? Ready for this evening's trip to Snoozetown, sir? Not yet. Sad story. He used to drive the bed for Michael Jackson's monkey. CHAUFFEUR: I've seen some terrible things. This is extraordinary. Oh, it's fine, I suppose, but you probably have even nicer things at your mansion. I'd love to come see it sometime. Oh, um, y-yes, yes, my mansion. Y-Yes, you-you should come see my mansion, b-by all means. I mean, not-not right this minute. I-I have the U. S. men's wrestling team there-- I'm gonna kill a wrestler-- but then after that, you should. I can't wait. Come on, let's go see if the maid brought her son, so we can push him and he can't do anything. God, I like it here, but what am I doing? I don't have a fancy house. I'm living a lie, like FDR. And so I say to you, America, we are going to win this war, we're going to end this depression, and there's no reason to suspect that I cannot walk. God bless America! ("Hail to the Chief" plays) And cut. The newsreel's over. Thank you, Mr. President. You're welcome, gentlemen. Now, if you'd kindly kick me into the closet with the mops. Ah, must be a Yale man. Shut up. Hello, loyal mailwoman. This is a letter to Hollywood, saying, "Keep it up! Movies are great!" Cleveland, what should I do with this? I-It just says "Hollywood, U. S. A. ," and this isn't a stamp, it's the little sticker from an apple. Oh, I can't never get those off. I just eat them. Anyway, just put it in here. But what's that? It's the dead letter bin. It's all the stale mail what never got delivered for one reason or the other: incomplete addresses, house at the top of a hill, anyone who uses one of those French sevens with a slash in it. Well, this is horrible. I'm going to organize these. There might be some we could resend. That's above and beyond, Lois. You know, you do the uniform proud, like I like to think I-- oh, chili dog got me. Look at all these. This is a mess. Here's two that are stuck together. What the hell? This is from Peter. Who the hell is Gretchen Mercer? And this is postmarked a week before our wedding! Aw, there was a time when the president of the Jonathan Taylor Thomas Fan Club got a lot of mail. I don't know what to do, Bonnie. Why would Peter write a letter to another woman just before our wedding? Why don't you just open it and read it? What?! Th-That's a federal offense. I can't do that. Don't you realize, as a postal employee, I'm 6,004th in line for the presidency? Well, then why don't you just deliver the letter and see for yourself who this Gretchen Mercer is? Bonnie, that's a great idea. Although it could be a little awkward. You could always just ask Peter about it. No, he won't talk about anything serious unless there's a crackling fire to punctuate uncomfortable family revelations. (fire crackling) I didn't fall off the roof. I jumped. (fire crackling) I never found you attractive, and what's more, I never respected you. (fire crackling) I know about Maurice. (fire crackling) Which Maurice? Oh, Brian, I need your help! Chadley wants to have a playdate, here at my house! Well, that's great. No, it's not! I can't let him see this dump. Come on, Stewie, Chadley should like you for who are. Besides, this place isn't so bad. Brian, Chadley's parents each have their own bathroom. I've seen the fat man pee through Lois' legs while she's sitting on the toilet. What I've got to do is find a spectacular house that I can pretend is mine to impress Chadley. Oh, why don't you just use Babs and Carter's? I can't, they're having an Eyes Wide Shut party all weekend. I can't find my wiener with this mask. All right, time-out. Let's-let's all just find our wieners and then put the masks back on. Okay, 940, this is the house. (doorbell rings) Hi, are you Gretchen Mercer? Yes, may I help you? Oh, yeah, we found an old letter addressed to you. Peter Griffin? Wow, this is from an old boyfriend. What? (laughs nervously) Wow, well, um, here-here's the nutty thing: believe it or not, I'm actually married to Peter Griffin right now. Huh, that is quite a coincidence. I wonder why he was writing me. I see you move your finger along as you read. That's what little kids do. Oh, it was nothing. He was just writing to say that he was excited about getting married and that he finally had enough Camel Cash to get a leather jacket and a pool floatie. Huh, well, thank you, Gretchen. I am very relieved. I was thinking the worst. Oh, I understand, but you have nothing to worry about. You're right. I guess jealousy's my weak spot. (chuckling): Everyone has one. Even Achilles. So, you can only be injured on your Achilles' tendon? That's right. My mother dipped me into the River Styx and she held me by my heels, so that's the only part that can be injured. How about you, Testiclies? It's the same-- it's-it's-it's similar. (piano music playing) So, what do you think of the house, Brian? As far as Chadley knows, this is where I live. Stewie, who owns this place? Oh, just some rich idiot I saw bragging about his vacation on Instagram. He posted a picture of his feet in sand. You're a guy, don't do that. What a dick. Hey, I'll swallow his dental floss. You pull it out of me and put it back on the roll. Good call. (doorbell rings) Ah, that must be Chadley. Hi, Stewie. I love your house. Where are your servants? Oh, probably cooking bananas and doing the cha-cha-cha. You know, this is a great house for a party. You could invite the whole class. I-I say, that's a brilliant idea! What the hell are you doing? Relax, these people are gone for a few more days. I'll invite everyone over and impress the whole class in one shot. That'll cover my playdates for a year. You really think that'll work? Absolutely. And when it does, I'll be as popular as the first kid in school to get his driver's license. Hey, heard you got your license. (seductively): Maybe after school, you could take me to get some groceries? (seductively): Yeah, or maybe you and me hop in that car of yours and do some grocery shopping? (seductively): Looks like you have a roomy backseat. I'd love to fill that with groceries after school. Hey, it's Stewie. All I know about cars is what my mom does. (knocking at door) Gretchen?! Wow, you look great! Yeah, I didn't have kids. Oh, yeah, of course, but what the hell are you doing here?! I haven't seen you in 20 years! Peter, I finally got your letter. You know, the one where you said that you were having doubts about marrying Lois and you still had thoughts about marrying me. Gretchen, I wrote that a long time ago. Well, my answer is yes, Peter. Yes, I will marry you! Gretchen, I am already happily-- moderately hap-- relative-- I am-- I am married. Oh, then I suppose your wife is entitled to know that you were still in love with me just days before your wedding. (Peter gasps) Blackmail! Thank you, Cleveland. And I don't know what to call the thing you're doing to me, lady. Look, Gretchen, I-I know I wrote you that letter, and-and-and I meant it at the time, but it was 20 years ago! I may have had some doubts before my wedding, but what guy doesn't? And now I know I made the right choice marrying Lois. (sighs) Well, she's a lucky woman, and I'm sorry for what I said. I certainly don't want to cause any trouble for you. It's just that when I got this letter, it reminded me how sweet and funny you always were. That's nice, but I-I should go. Thanks for not making fun of me for ordering a hot chocolate, and go ahead and look into Facebook 'cause this is kind of what it's for. Wait, before we say our final good-bye, what do you say we have one last hurrah? I've got two tickets to a Ray LaMontagne concert tonight. Oh, I-I'm not sure that's a good idea. It feels a little weird going out with another lady. Oh, come on, Peter, I drove all this way. Let me go home with one last good memory, and then I promise, you have heard the last of Gretchen Mercer. Well, I should probably say no, but I've never been known for my good judgment. I mean, that's how I got into trouble with the Peter Catcher. (bells ring) (singsongy): Oh, Peter! Come and get your lollipops! Lollipops! Come along, Peter! (whispering): Peter, you mustn't. I've got cream pies. Trinkle tarts. Trinkle tarts! (laughing) (laughs evilly) I'm gonna get so molested. Oh, Peter, you can take off your hat and jacket. It's not illegal for two old friends to go to a concert. Yeah, I guess you're right. I mean it's not like anybody I know would be at a Ray LaMontagne concert. MAN: Peter! Where'd he go? I'm-I'm gonna keep the hat on. I'm sorry, Gretchen. This-this was a mistake. I just feel too guilty being out with another woman. I can't do this to Lois. Ah, I understand. (chuckles) Well, I guess there's no shame in coming in second, huh? That's right. Except in, like, wars. Aw, you are still funny, sweet Peter. Yeah, I guess so. All right, I got to go. The beard inspector's coming, anyway. Uh, sir, where's your beard? I'm leaving. I'm on my way out. That's my Peter. That's my Peter. (dance music plays) Wow, looks like you're actually gonna get away with this, Stewie. (laughing): And you threw a good party. Yeah, it's getting pretty wild. Over in the guest bedroom there's a girl pulling a train. This'll show my dad. Hey, by the way, how'd you pay for all this? I dated Donald Sterling for two weeks. He's a good man! You don't know him like I know him! (children chattering) People. People? As your rich host, I would like to say a word if I may. I cannot tell you how pleased I am to have finally found a group of peers with whom I share so many common interests and here come the people who live here. Please let me explain! I was just worried you wouldn't accept me because I'm not wealthy like you are. Stewie, it's not that you're poor. It's that you lied to us and you're poor. I'm sorry you lost your rich friends, Stewie. Well, that's all right, I don't need money. I already have everything I need. Excuse me, is one of you Chadley? You left your wallet inside. Chicka-chickaw! Well, that "chicka-chickaw" makes me think you're not Chadley. Oh, no! I chicka-chickawed too early! Hey, Lois, you mind if I cut out of here? Not at all. Thanks. Not to be too intimate, but I need to have a bowel movement and I can't go here. I can only go at home or at the Koo Koo Roo. (door creaks) Hello? I-Is someone there? I thought I heard something over the roar of my tinnitus. Oh, I'm-I'm sure it's nothing. (phone chimes) Ooh, a text. "I'm taking care of our problem. "We'll be together soon. Love, Gretchen. " Huh. Meg, you're kind of a loner psychopath. What does this mean? Oh, this woman is clearly a spurned lover who's planning to kill Mom. Ah, thank you. (whines nervously) You're a good dog, Meg. (whines nervously) Well, well, well if it isn't the first Mrs. Griffin. Gretchen? What are you doing here? Making sure Peter can finally be with me, which is what he's always wanted. Gretchen, it's 3:15 on a workday. The post office is closed. Lois! Gretchen wants to kill you, and I have a slip that says we've got a package? Peter, I'm glad you're here to see this. You and I can finally be together. Peter, what's going on?! She's nuts is what's going on! I don't want to be with her! Oh, yeah? That's not what you wrote. That's right. I lied about what was in that letter. Lois, Lois, before you read that, you need to know one thing: I'm the one throwing out all your beige bras. Guys don't like beige bras. You told an ex-girlfriend a week before our wedding you were having doubts?! Lois, Lois, listen to me. Yes, it is true, just before we got married, I was having some doubts. I mean, your family hated me. I-I didn't think I was good enough for you. We were kids, I was scared. Weren't you? No, I was in love, which is what I thought you were, too. I was in love, Lois. and I still am. Not a day goes by where I don't thank my lucky stars for picking you. It was the best choice I ever made. Now, put that gun down, Gretchen. You don't have to do this. That's right, you don't because you can have him. What?! I'll never forgive you for this, Peter. We're through! Oh, Peter! I can't wait for you to meet the dogs and the squirrels. LOIS: Hey, Gretchen? (grunting) Get away from my husband. (grunts) Wait, so you're not mad? No, Peter, I was lying so she'd let her guard down. But what about the letter? Peter, do you remember me crying at our wedding? Sure, it's in all our pictures. That's doubt. But there's no doubt anymore. You're the only man for me, Peter Griffin. (sighing): I love you, Lois. Oh, Peter. Now come on, let's get it on thru a P. O. box. Peter, this isn't working. Well I'm at full go. Are you sure you're in the right box. Yes. Box 528. Yes, 528. Alright, just reach in and grab it. Wow Mom, I can't believe you got fired from the Post Office. Well, they didn't like me beating up Gretchen on federal property, and then after your father plugged up that P. O. box, there was a mutual parting of the ways. Well, Stewie, I guess since Lois lost her job, you're not going to be able to go to that fancy preschool anymore. Eh, I don't need school. I'll be fine. I'll just become a YouTube star like Jenna Marbles. Who's that? No one knows, but she's rich, as rich as Ray William Johnson. Who's that? Nobody knows, but he's rich, as rich as Bethany Mota or Marcus Butler or Ingrid Nilsen. This? This is over. @elderman