The Office (US) Season 3 Deleted Scenes

Gay Witch Hunt
Deleted Scene 1 Jan: [on speakerphone] Okay, what is your goal for after lunch? Michael: I will do my job to the best of my abilities. Jan: [under breath] Heaven help us. [aloud] Specifically. Michael: I will do my regional manager job to the best of my capability. Jan: Specifically, Michael. Michael: Specifically, Jan, I will make at least ten phone calls to clients. Michael: Yes, I have to begin every day by letting Jan know what I intend to accomplish, and then I have to call her at the end of the day to tell her what I did accomplish. But it's not mandatory. It's something that I... wanted to do... and so it's voluntary, really. Even though she... makes me. I think she just wants to hear my voice. Because we're no longer lovers, and she's just hurting. But things are going well with Carol. I've seen her seven times in the last few months, and I'm growing very fond of her kids. Tommy, who I call Tomas, and the little girl... Jan: [on speakerphone] Are you on the toilet, Michael? Michael: [quietly] No. Jan: Well, I know sometimes you are and... that you wouldn't tell me, so I'm just going to assume that you are, and call me back when you're finished. Michael: Okay. [Jan hangs up. Toby opens the office door.] Toby: Michael? Michael: [sigh] Michael: Hi, honey. You holding up? Pam: Yup. Michael: Yeah. Pam: I'm... painting my new apartment tonight. Michael: Oh, good. By yourself? Pam: Yes. Michael: Aw. Well, hang in there, okay? You know what? You should get one of this big body pillows. That way you wouldn't miss you-know-who so much. Pam: Thanks. Michael: Roy. Pam: Right. Pam: What do I think? I think everybody should stay out of everybody's personal business! Oscar: Yes, I'm gay. Meredith: [shocked expression] Meredith: Why are all the best-looking single men always gay? Andy: Hey, Big Tuna. You ever Google Google? What do you think would happen? Jim: Let's find out. [starts typing] Andy: [makes frustrated noises] Jim: Oh! Lots of results. Andy: I didn't mean you should do it. You were supposed to ponder it. It's... You removed the fun. Thanks a lot, Big Tuna.

The Convention
Michael: Today I'm headed to Philadelphia for the annual Northeastern Office Supply Convention. [makes horns gesture and heavy metal scream] Wooo-yaaaaah! Oh, these things tend to be kind of crazy. Michael: [Angela enters Michael's office] Ah. Angela: Sign. Michael: Per-diem. [singing as he signs] Perrrr-diiiiieeeemmmm! [shows off $100 bill to Ryan] You know, Ryan, it's all about the Benjamins. Ryan: [reading checklist] Fun jeans. Michael: [points to door] Right there. Ryan: Fourth quarter projections for Jan? Michael: Yes. What? Oh, yeah, have Pam give those to me. Ryan: Will do. Michael: Sure you don't want to come? Ryan: Yeah. Michael: Gonna be fun! Change your mind we can get you a cot. Ryan: [shakes his head] Michael: A couple of years ago, I went to one in Hartford. "Connecticut." And Todd Packer and I went to this bar and met a girl. And [laugh] Packer decides to make out with her. Turns out that her boyfriend is the bouncer at the bar. [laugh] I love this. The bouncer chases us out to Packer's Vette, jump in the Vette, he peels out, and I [laugh] I don't make it to the car. [turns serious] Um, and the other bouncers caught up with me and really did a number on me... It was in the paper... [brightens] But to answer your question, yeah, I'm really excited about this weekend. Michael: See that factory? Dwight: Mm-hm. Michael: I almost worked there. Dwight: No! Michael: Yup. Yeah, I applied for a job there. Dwight: What would you have done? Been manager? Michael: I was going to be a bottle capper. Dwight: You? A bottle capper?! [laughs in disbelief] Michael: I know, I know. Crazy world. Crazy, crazy world. Josh: Yes, I'm aware of Jan and Michael's... history. Um, I don't really like to talk about it 'cause it's unprofessional. Kind of gross. Michael: Josh reminds me of a guy I went to high school with. Big football star, girls loved him. Whatever. Guess what he's doing now. He's a TV announcer for the Eagles. Up in the... [laughs] He doesn't even get to play in the game, I mean. Dwight: So, you ever been convicted of a felony? Josh: What? Uh, no. [to Jim] Uh, I want you to make sure you call Karen and get her to fax that vendor list over. Dwight: Misdemeanor? Josh: Um... When I was in the Coast Guard, a couple of us broke into the women's barracks and we got arrested for trespassing. Dwight: Coast Guard? So you know how to fight underwater? Josh: [stunned] Jan: [Jim, Josh, and Jan walk in the hotel lobby] Josh, um... [Jim continues walking ahead] Why don't you come up to my room for a couple of minutes and we can just go over the schedule for tomorrow together. Josh: Can we do it over breakfast? It'll be... Jan: A quick drink? Josh: Thanks, but maybe another time. Jan: [putting on a good face] Great! [walks off]

The Coup
Michael: Okay. [Jan leaves Michael's office; Dwight enters] Dwight: Hey. [shuts door] Is everything okay? Michael: It is not your business, Dwight. Dwight: If the branch is in trouble, there are things you can do. Michael: What do you know about management, Dwight? Dwight: I know that we need to cut costs. We could fire Meredith. That's a big cost. Michael: I'm not firing anyone. Dwight: Creed might be living here, we could charge him rent. Michael: ... What? Creed: Four nights a week, I sleep under my desk, and then three nights I stay at my place in Toronto. They don't know about this job up there. It's a welfare state. Beautiful countries, both of 'em. Michael: Okay. Here we go. Everybody, you know what? It dawned on me we were all in there watching a movie together before we were so rudely interrupted, Let's get back in there. [no takers] Come on. Movie Monday! Come on, Stanley let's go. Stanley: [standing at the supply shelf] I'm on the phone. Michael: Ryan? Ryan: I'm pretty sure Jan said that we're not supposed to. Michael: Okay, well, we had scheduled this time to watch a movie together, so I guess I will just go play some online Scrabble. Dwight: [looks to Angela] Angela: [shakes her head disapprovingly] Dwight: The Schrutes are a very loyal breed. But I also have Mannheim blood from my German grandmother. And the Mannheims knew when to cut and run. No sense going down with a losing regime. But the Schrute blood... It's amazing that when these two bloods mix, the whole thing didn't explode. Michael: So, she sleeps with him, but she is still in love with the head surgeon, um, the McDreamy guy, and she starts crying, but the dorky doctor, he's in love with her... [phone rings] Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. ... Uh, sure, I'll get him for you. [to Michael] It's Jan for you. Michael: Really? Pam: Yeah. Pam: I may have a few weeks ago faked a call from Jan in order to get out of a synopsis of, I think it was, Navy: NCIS. Since then, Michael's been suspicious. Kevin: Nnnnice. Wow! Jim: [playing Call of Duty] Oh? Someone's left out in the open, taking a little siesta. Not smart. [shoots] Yes! Finally killed you... [Karen's desk is empty] Jan: Hey, Jim? Jim: Hey, Jan. Jan: How's work going? Jim: [nervously] Pretty good. Jan: [kills Jim's character, giggles] Oh, you know what, I gotta see Josh right now, but remind me to tell you what Dwight said to me earlier, okay? You'll get a big kick out of it. [leaves] Jim: [baffled expression] Jim: Things are a little bit... different here in Stamford. [shrug] It's not bad.

Grief Counseling
Deleted Scene 1 Hannah: Hey Jimmy. Want to see some pictures of my baby? Jim: Umm... sure. Hannah: [shows picture] Here he is. Jim: [chuckles] He's so cute. Hannah: And here's his first bath. Warning: contains nudity. Jim: That's okay. [Hannah shows pic of husband naked with baby] Oh, no, it's not. I'm sorry, is that your husband in the tub with him? Hannah: You think we should have left our baby in the tub alone? [Jim shakes head] Talk to me when you have kids. Jim: Sounds good. Deleted Scene 2 Jan: [on the phone] Ed Truck died over the weekend. Michael: Oh, wow. He... Jan: Yeah. And I know... I know he was your boss, so I thought you should know. Michael: Does his family know? Jan: Yes, they know, Michael. Michael: But I'm the first in the office? Jan: I guess, yes. I think it would be appropriate for you to make an announcement to your team, in case they want to pay their respects. Michael: Okay, yes, sure, I will do that... Jan: Good. Michael: ...'Cause I'm the first to to find out. Nobody else knows and it is my responsibility to tell them. Well, good. How are you holding up? Want me to come over? [Jan hangs up] Michael: Ed Truck died. And it blows. They say that with grief, time makes it worse, which is bad for me because I found out before anybody so I've had more time to be sad. Deleted Scene 3 Dwight: Attention, everyone. As you know, Ed Truck is dead. If you have any contact information on Rolodex files or in Microsoft Outlook, remove it now. Also, if you have any photographs, Pam will make her shredder available during lunch. That is all. Dwight: Remembering the dead doesn't help anybody. The way to best honor them is to figure out what killed them and prevent that thing from killing anyone ever again. In this case, some sort of steel exoskeleton to protect the neck, or else a device that allows the head to live separately from the body. I'm working on both. Deleted Scene 4 Michael: I would like you all to clear your schedules this afternoon, because I am telling corporate to send in a grief counselor. We need to find out what is blocking you. And that way, we'll be able to honor Ed the way he deserves to be honored. May he rest in peace. Kevin: ...ces. [chuckles] Michael: What was that, Kevin? Kevin: Nothing. Michael: No, you said something, didn't you? Kevin: May he rest in pieces. [chuckles] You know, because there's, like, two pieces of him. Michael: You think that's funny. Kevin: No. [chuckles] Michael: You are disgusting. Dwight: Michael, no need to call corporate. We are supposed to use Toby. He's trained as a grief counselor. Michael: No, that can't be right. Toby: Well, I am trained in grief counseling, but, ahh, I don't think that's what they need right now. Michael: Well, then I guess that makes you about the worst grief counselor in the world, doesn't it? Deleted Scene 5 Roy: Hey there. Pam: Hi. Roy: So how's your day going? Pam: Well, I will be spending the entire afternoon in grief counseling for someone I've never met. Roy: That sucks. [laughs] You guys got it much harder up here. Pam: Closer to the epicenter, I guess. Roy: [laughs] Cool, all right. Deleted Scene 6 Toby: Well, as you know, Ed Truck passed away. So, I'm here to talk about it if anyone would like to. Kevin: Not really. Michael: You're ruining it, already. They should not be given the choice. Ryan: I did not know Ed Truck. So I will probably spend the day zoning out and planning my weekend. I think Ed would have wanted it that way. Deleted Scene 7 Toby: Is anyone having any trouble eating? Kevin: No. Toby: Concentrating? Is anyone having trouble getting their work done today? Stanley: I'm having trouble getting my work done today. Toby: Well, look, sometimes things crop up later. So, uhh, you should know I'm always available if anyone would like to talk. Michael: Wow. Wow. No. No. You are the most heartless, soulless person I've ever met. Toby: Michael, I'm sorry... Michael: No. No. Shh. Enough. It is going to take me hours to undo all the damage that your have done here. Dwight, Ryan, I want you to take the table out. We're gonna go on a five minute break, and when you come back, we're going to start with a clean slate, and, in the interim, I would like you to forget everything that Toby has said, okay? Michael: I don't think I'm overstating it when I say that Toby is a plague on this company. And he is worthless. You give people a chance to shine and they blow it, just like you knew they would. Grief counseling is not about, "Are you hungry? Would you like a sandwich?" These people are so far gone, you have to stick a food tube down their throats. Deleted Scene 8 Michael: Okay, part of the problem was that Toby talked at you. Now, I am going to talk with you. First off, I want you to be comfortable, because you really can't grieve if you're all tight and buttoned up. So, guys, loosen your ties, just take your jackets off if you want. Ladies, let your hair down. You know what? Even take your shoes off. I wanna get personal and I want you all to really open up. And I want you to know that anything and everything can be said. Angela: Okay. I don't think Kevin should take his shoes off. Kevin: My feet do not smell. Angela knows that hyperhidrosis is a medically diagnosed condition. Michael: I found an exercise in Toby's binder that he managed to miss, that involves screening the part of you that says, "I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna talk about that. That is too private." Here's how it works. I'm going to throw you this ball. Toby: Yeah, the ball-throwing exercise is in the binder. It's in the section marked, "Fun Ways To Make Brainstorming Sessions Explode With Excitement and Creativity." Deleted Scene 9 Roy: Hey, my cousin Billy, they just had the twins. Pam: Really? Roy: Yeah. Pam: Wow, I thought that was supposed to be, like, next month. Roy: Yeah, I know. I guess they couldn't wait. I'll bring in a picture if you... Pam: Yeah, I'd love to see them. Oh, and tell them I say, "Congratulations." Roy: Sure. Pam: I should probably head back in. Roy: Yeah? Pam: But, umm, thanks for the break. Roy: No problem. Michael: [in his office playing with a Dunder Mifflin Truck when it drops and the "head" of the Truck comes off] Deleted Scene 10 Pam: Michael once told me that Home Alone is the saddest movie ever. When I asked him why, he said, "Because the whole family forgets the kid at home. There is nothing funny about that." Deleted Scene 11 Michael: That's... Hold it, hold it, hold it. Start, like, right in there. [Dwight digs hole in ground] Just dig. Dwight: Ow! God! Michael: Okay, give it to me. You don't know what you're doing. All right. [Michael starts digging] Man: Hey! Hey! What are you guys doing over there? Michael: Nothing. Let's just... all right. [talks to warehouse guys] Guys, do you have a box we could use?

Initiation
Deleted Scene 1 Jan: What I want, Michael, is an hour-by-hour log of how you spend your work time. Michael: Well, that's really not the way I roll, because sometimes I'm in the zone, and sometimes I'm in the zoning out. Jan: Zoning out? Michael: Do you want me to go on Amazon and order you a slang dictionary? Cause I'll do it. Jan: If you can account for your time... Michael: Yes, big if. Jan: ...then maybe corporate can justify your salary. Michael: A woman spurned. Deleted Scene 2 Pam: It's like mommy and daddy are fighting. Except mommy outranks daddy and mommy is way scarier. Deleted Scene 3 Dwight: Take a good look at this boy... Michael: I always do. Dwight: ...because you are never going to see him again. Michael: If you lay a finger... Dwight: Today is Ryan's first sales call and I am bringing this boy home a full-grown man. Michael: Would you look at that? [Hugs Ryan] [Dwight attempts hug] Damn it, Dwight! Come on. Pam: Dwight is taking Ryan on a sales call today. So if we find Ryan's body in a heavily-wooded area tomorrow, I owe Jim $30. It's an old bet, but a deal's a deal. Dwight: I once saw a movie called "Training Day". It starred an African-American and Ethan Hawke. In it, the African-American trains Ethan Hawke with various tests and trials. Today, Ryan is Ethan Hawke, and I am the African-American. Deleted Scene 4 Dwight: Get in the car. Ryan: I don't have a key. Dwight: Don't you realize the key is inside you? [pretends to pull key out of Ryan's ear] Ryan: He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. Today's gonna be great. Dwight: No, but seriously, your ears are the key. 90% of a good sales call is listening, only 10% is talking. Ryan: Huh. Dwight: Get in the car. [Ryan knocks the car door] Get... get in the car. Deleted Scene 5 Dwight: Sales is not all in here. [wails arms] It's also in here. Ryan: What was that first thing you did? Dwight: [wails arms] You know, selling, typing, dialing. Ryan: Oh. Dwight: What is that in your ear? [pretends to pull beet seed out of Ryan's ear] A tiny beet seed. You need to clean your ears better. Ryan: It's going okay. I've already learned more about beet agriculture than I ever thought I'd know. Deleted Scene 6 Michael: "9:00 to 10:00, checked in with receptionist. Met with Jan, RE: log. Lost log. Found log." "10:00 to 11:00, light salad, three points." That's on the wrong page. Pam: Hey, let's focus today. Make today all about focus. I'll help you. Michael: Okay. That sounds good. [puts banana in toy mouth that's in his mouth] [laughs] Yes. Actually, today's a good day to do that. Pam: Yeah. Deleted Scene 7 Ryan: You know, every time I think I hit rock bottom at my job, the floor opens up, like at a carnival ride. I'm gonna retrace my steps. College, four-year degree, student loans, business school, alone in a beet field. I... there's a step missing. "Hey, mom." "Hey, Ryan. How's that five-year plan coming?" "Oh, it's great. Today, I knelt down in cow manure and I got abandoned in a beet field." "Oh, that's cool." "Yeah, that's really cool. I'm learning a lot. I'm really glad I took this full-time job." Deleted Scene 8 Dwight: Sales is about people, Ryan. About understanding them and learning how to get along with them. Case study: me. To understand me, you have to know that I work in the city, but I live here on this small, beautiful farm. It's a family farm. Many Schrutes were born here and many of us end up here. My grandfather was a good man who did some very bad things. What the... Damn it! Those kids! [discovers two teenagers naked, running] You! You, get out of here! This is not a cheap motel! This is a farm and cemetery! Freaks! You're lucky I don't have my crossbow! Let me show you the compost pile. Deleted Scene 9 Kevin: [in the kitchen and Stanley comes in and swipes Kevin's pretzel without Kevin seeing] Shoot. Stanley: There's four things that I love. My wife, my daughters, Pam Grier, and a hot, chewy roll of buttered dough. Deleted Scene 10 Michael: What makes them so good? Stanley: I do not know. Michael: I mean, they're just dough twisted up with some candy. They taste so good in my mouth. Stanley: That's what she said. [Stanley and Michael both laugh] Deleted Scene 11 Karen: Look, I've never seen a Clint Eastwood movie. Jim: See, that's weird. Karen: But if you said "Go ahead, make my day," I would know that it's from "Dirty Harry". How can you not know that's from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"? Andy: Yo, mama! Ask me how bad I wanted to bone Jennifer Grey. Jim: I saw the movie. I just don't know every line from the film. Andy: Seriously, you guys, ask me. Karen: You didn't know that "Bueller?" was from Ferris Bueller? Andy: Let's just say, me and Jennifer Grey probably would've broken a few laws.