Heads, You Lose

(Setting: Agrabah, Daylight)

(A group of servants come up a hill, carrying a throne. They enter the palace walls.)

Jasmine: He's here!

Sultan: What an honor to have Caliph Kapok of Upanistan as our guest.

Aladdin: They say it's extremely rare that the Caliph ever leaves his kingdom.

Iago: They also say he's a wizard. This whole thing reeks of trouble.

Aladdin: Come on, Iago, not all wizards are bad.

Iago: Oh yeah? Name one who isn't. Go on, go ahead. (Aladdin and Jasmine think about it) Tips of your tongues, right? How about the one who zapped me with that disappearing beak spell? Half my face was gone, I looked like a jerk! Yeah, I like Mr. Wizard a whole lot.

Aladdin: (Grabs Iago's beak) That spell had its advantages.

Iago: Ah! (Abu kicks Iago off Aladdin's shoulder)

(Genie comes out of the lamp. He is tired and unshaven.)

Genie: Nice hat, Al. What's the occasion?

Aladdin: Remember, Genie? Caliph Kapok?

Genie: Little early, aren't you? Like by a day?

Aladdin: He's here, now.

Genie: Now? He's coming today? (Genie pulls out a calendar. There is a red 'X' on one of the days) He is! What'll I do, what'll I do? (Genie tugs on his chin) Shave! (Genie grabs Iago. He dunks Iago's tail into a vat of shaving cream, and uses it to wipe shaving cream on his face. He throws Iago aside and finishes shaving his beard.)

Iago: Whoa! Jerk.

Genie: Clothes, I need clothes! (Genie pulls out a rack of clothes. He picks out a suit) Ooh, Italian. Very, how do you say, provocative. (Genie looks at the price tag) Yah! (Genie shoves the rack aside) Forget provocative. At those prices I'll stick with polyester. There, ready. (Seeing Abu) Monkey needs a make over. (He gives Abu a giant beehive and holds a mirror out to him.)

Abu: Yuck. (Abu styles his hair back to normal.)

(The servants enter the throne room and lower the throne to eye level.)

Sultan: Caliph Kapok, it is an honor to welcome you to Agrabah. I extend my hand in an offer of good will.

Kapok: I thank you, Sultan. However, I am unable to return the courtesy. (Kapok is revealed. He has no body.)

Abu: Uck. (Falls off Aladdin's shoulder.)

Iago: Wizards, Al. They're weird guys.

Aladdin: You're, you're just...

Kapok: A head. Quite. A recent development, I assure you.

Genie: (Looking at Kapok) That's the darndest... got to be mirrors.

Jasmine: You haven't always been this way?

Aladdin: Who did this to you?

Kapok: Myself. Or more precisely, my own black-hearted body. I have come to you, Aladdin, because your exploits are legendary throughout the seven deserts. I need your assistance in reuniting me with my body.

Aladdin: But... but you're a wizard. Why do you need my help?

Kapok: In my present state, I am helpless. It is my body which controls my magic. However, once I am rejoined, my mind will be in control again.

Genie: (Knocks on the bottom of Kapok's throne.) Gotta be a trapdoor or something.

Sultan: And what of your people?

Kapok: Oh, with great shame I must report that my black-hearted body rules them with an iron fist.

Iago: Tell him we're booked solid and show him to the door. What can he do? He's just a head.

Aladdin: I'll help you liberate your people. (Iago slaps himself on the forehead)

Kapok: Much gratitude, Aladdin. I knew I could count on your fair heart.

(Setting: Upanistan; Night)

(Aladdin and company are flying around the palace of Upanistan. They see guards protecting the doors. Kapok's body comes out of the palace door.)

Aladdin: There he is!

Iago: What was your first clue?

Aladdin: Caliph?

Genie: (Wearing a bowling outfit) Coming, Al. (Pulls Kapok's head out of a bowling bag.)

Kapok: Your finger is in my eye.

Genie: (Moves it) Whoops, sorry.

Kapok: It is he, the black-hearted fiend. Beware. What he lacks in cunning, he makes up for in brute force. (Kapok looks down to see Genie holding him as if he was a ventriloquist's dummy) What is the meaning of this?

Genie: (Back to normal) Sorry, couldn't resist.

Kapok: As I was preparing to theorize, there is no logic to the workings of a black heart. Therefore, we must out do the fiend with a strategy complex enough that he cannot anticipate it. (The gang looks on in confusion) Yet ultimately so simple in its crystalline brilliance that the net result is essentially a crude ensnarement, with paves the way for our corporeal reunion. (Clears throat) I mean, we fly in there and grab him!

Aladdin: Right. Let's go.

(Carpet charges for the door)

Guard 1: Quickly, the doors!

(The guards attempt to close the doors, but the gang gets through.)

Genie: Thank you! (Blocks the door with a wooden plank)

Guards: Hey, let us in! Open up!

(Jasmine, Genie, and Kapok get off Carpet)

Iago: Staying on his blind side shouldn't be hard. (They fly over to Kapok's body; he grabs Carpet and sends Abu, Aladdin, and Iago crashing into a pile of pillows) Good maneuver for a guy without a head...

(Kapok's body holds out a torch, prepared to set Carpet on fire)

Genie: Hold this a minute. (Gives Kapok's head to Jasmine) Here's a little something I learned growing up in the circus. (Genie throws the torch into his mouth, extinguishing it. He spits fire toward Kapok's body. Kapok's body dodges the fire and grabs Genie's belt.) Yipe! (He pulls on it, causing Genie to spin around and crash into Carpet) High school wrestling champ, right?

Iago: (Abu is trying to pull him away from a pillar) Look, I'd peck his eyes out, but hey, no eyes.

Kapok:  (To his body)Still throwing your weight around? I return to take back control of you and the kingdom. (The heart shaped emblem on his body's chest flashes red. He shoots magic toward Kapok and Jasmine, missing and hitting the wooden plank blocking the door. He aims for Aladdin, nearly frying Iago and Abu.)

Iago: Good aim for a guy without a head...

(Aladdin attempts to tackle Kapok's Body; he is thrown aside. Carpet flies out from underneath Kapok's body, causing him to fall onto the ground. Carpet uses his body to wrap him up.)

Genie: Take that, you headless heinous highness.

Aladdin: Good work, guys.

Guards: Hold on, your highness, we're coming!

Kapok: Hurry, place me on the body. (Genie takes Kapok's head and approaches Kapok's body.) It's no use struggling. Your schemes are finished!

(The guards break through the doors.)

Guard 1:  (Gasps) The head of Kapok has returned.

Kapok: Quickly!

Genie: One complete Caliph coming up...

Guard 1: Why have you brought back the evil head of Kapok?

Jasmine: Evil head? But I thought...

Guard 2: You listened to the head? Never listen to the head!

Jasmine: Then who should I believe?

Guard 1:  The head must be stopped, before it's too late!

Jasmine: Genie, stop!

Genie: What? (Places Kapok's head on the body. Magic emanates from Kapok's body and head, merging them.)

Kapok: I am whole once again!

Genie: Your favorite noggin's back in town! Let the kingdom rejoice! (Confetti falls; the guards have on party hats and hold party favors.)

Guard 1: All hope is lost...

Guard 2: We will never again know happiness.

Genie: (Back to normal) Gee, last time I throw you guys a party.

Kapok: What purpose does happiness serve, anyway? It is only a feeling. And as we know, feeling only intrudes upon the purity of thought.

Aladdin: What?

Kapok: (Laughs) Speaking of feeling... (The heart shaped emblem on Kapok's chest glows red. Kapok's head begins to rise off of his body. Kapok stops it) ...the shackle, bring me the shackle! (The guards hand Kapok a golden shackle. He places it around his neck and locks it with a key.) Don't bother struggling, Fair Heart. This is one head that's staying put!

Iago: I knew it! I've never met a good wizard!

Kapok: Ah, the bird proves to be quite the thinker.

Iago: Uh, I try. I have a pretty high IQ. As birds go, that is.

Kapok: More than I can say for our hero.

Genie: Who are you calling stupid? Just because Al fell for your trick, came all the way out here to reattach your head... gee, I guess that was kinda stupid.

Kapok: No body's stupid here. My brilliant logic took advantage of Aladdin's greatest flaw: his fairness of heart. The same malady that plagues my foolish body.

Jasmine: So it is your head that's evil!

Kapok: (Laughs) Evil is so subjective. Let's say my body rejected its head because of its emotionlessness. Were it not for my body's very desirable powers, I would actually quite prefer to be just a head.

Aladdin: Yeah? I think we can fix that! (Aladdin grabs at Kapok's shackle. Kapok throws him back with magic.) Yah!

Kapok: I pity you, Aladdin. Unlike myself, your fair heart is dominant and clouds your thinking. Let me allow you to think more clearly. (Kapok places his hand together. They emanate with a red glow. As Kapok raises his hands, Aladdin's head separates from his body.)

Jasmine: Aladdin!

Aladdin: (Feeling his neck-less body) Wha? What's happening to me?

Iago: Ewww!

(Kapok waves his hands; Aladdin's head appears in Genie's hands.)

Genie: Al!

Jasmine: No!

(Abu runs up Aladdin's body. He reaches his shoulders, and sighs with relief. He realizes that Aladdin's head and neck are gone, and faints.)

Genie: Al, buddy, say something!

Aladdin: It appears that my head has been separated from my body. Intriguing concept.

Genie: Al, you're okay!

Aladdin: If you mean that contrary to my appearance I am not experiencing pain, you are correct.

Genie: Whatever. (Seeing Aladdin's body) Al, you're okay too!

(Aladdin approaches his head; he takes it from Genie and attempts to place it back onto his body.)

Aladdin: Whoa! (His head falls into Genie's hands) A simple visual analysis would have indicated that we cannot be so easily reassembled.

Jasmine: (To Kapok) As Princess of Agrabah, I demand you rejoin Aladdin's head to his body.

Kapok: Now don't run away with your emotions, Princess! I've done Aladdin a favor. A favor from which it seems you could all benefit.

Iago: What, so you can use us for a bunch of croquet balls? I don't think so. (Kapok attempts to do the same spell, but Jasmine dodges. He ends up knocking the head off of a statue, shattering it.) Ah!

(Aladdin runs toward Kapok.)

Kapok: My magic can destroy you as well, Aladdin. (Blasts magic at Aladdin)

Aladdin: My non-conceptualizing half fails to realize is that if he ceases to be, my ambulatory capabilities will be severely limited.

Genie: Come again?

Iago: If Al's torso gets friend, brainiac here will never walk again.

Genie: (Grabs Aladdin's body.) Hey buddy, your head's got a point. It's not safe for you to be running around like a chicken with its... uh, bad analogy. (The gang leaves on Carpet)

Kapok: Intelligent choice, Aladdin. Had you heeded your heart, you would be a dead head. (The heart shaped emblem on Kapok's chest glows red.) And you, Fair Heart, can stop your struggling. I'm in control of this body now!

(Setting: Upanistan; Day)

(Aladdin's head's is resting on a barrel; he is talking to his body)

Aladdin: You think we should have stayed and fought, do you? Well you can't punch your way through everything. You must approach problems logically once in a while. I mean, you have a head, me namely, use it. (Aladdin picks up his head and spins it in the air.) Whoa! (He starts juggling it.)

Genie: Taught him that trick the first time we met.

Aladdin: This is not what I meant by using your head, thank you.

Jasmine: Aladdin...(He throws his head to her) ...guys, try to get along. We've got to think of something. (Aladdin's body makes a pantomime laughing gesture)

Aladdin: I fear my body is all fight and no contemplation. (His body seems offended) Oh, there's more to you than that?

Jasmine: (Aladdin hands her a flower) Uh... thank you.

Aladdin: How droll. A tangible representation of the heart's affection.

Iago: Romance? You mean romance? Why can't you just say it?

Genie: Ah, he's a lover and a fighter!

Jasmine: (Puts Aladdin's head down onto a barrel) Look, there's nothing wrong with romance. (Aladdin is holding on to her arm) At the right time and place. (Aladdin backs away.)

Aladdin: If you say so...

Jasmine: What do you mean?

Aladdin: Frankly, I am not engrossed by such idle pastimes as romance.

Jasmine: (Gasps) But... all the times we've strolled under the moonlight or when you've remarked on my beauty...

Aladdin: Please. You're confusing me with him. We're quite dissimilar.

Genie: Excuse us. (Leads Jasmine away.)

Aladdin: Though I do admire your cranial line. For sheer functionality, that is.

Genie: Don't let him mess with your head, Princess. He's not himself.

Jasmine: (Sits down on some stairs) I know, I know. It's the brain talking; it's the brain talking.

(Abu climbs up the barrel)

Aladdin: Abu, old friend. I'm sure it's difficult to see me this way. (Abu nods) Well, worry not. You'll grow accustomed, and it'll be just like old times. (Abu chatters excitedly) Except with less eating and more reading. (Abu sighs) Food for thought. We'll make you smart as a chimpanzee. (Abu glares at Aladdin and heads toward the gang.)

Jasmine: Okay, here's the plan. Kapok is the only one capable of rejoining Aladdin's head and body. As long as Kapok's head dominates the kind-hearted body, he will not reverse the spell.

Genie: Which means head's got to go.

Aladdin: An excellent display of logical thought. However, I have decided to remain as you see me. (The gang gasps) True, it means sacrificing that on the go lifestyle, but the benefits are many. No more body odor, for instance. But most of all, I no longer have to think with my heart. (His body scratches his nose and makes a questioning gesture.) You want to know who will scratch my nose? Smart guy, I would gladly be a free-floating mental gel if I could.

Jasmine: Aladdin, how can you say that?

Aladdin: Neurotransmitters, millions of tiny ones in the brain which relay messages to the mouth.

Jasmine: That's not what I meant.

Genie: Talk, talk, talk. (Picks up Aladdin's head.) You're coming with us, gabby.

(Setting: The Palace of Upanistan)

(Jasmine, Abu, Iago, and Carpet are sneaking down a hallway.)

Jasmine: You okay?

(Genie's body turns the corner; Aladdin's head is on his shoulders.)

Aladdin: At least I'm no longer at the mercy of my misdirected body's whims. (Genie's body gives him bunny ears) I saw that.

Genie: (Comes around the corner; his head is on Aladdin's body) My bod's got some mileage, but it's got power in a pinch. And I can keep an eye on you. (Aladdin's body flicks Genie in the back of the head.) D'oh!

(Jasmines shushes everyone; the guards walk past, a musician with them. Jasmine and the others sneak to Kapok's balcony.)

(Setting: Kapok's Throne room)

Kapok: Guilty!

Musician: But what is my crime? I am but a musician.

Kapok: Exactly. Music serves no logical purpose. It only perpetuates emotion and feeling. I sentence you to cut down 400 trees from our local forest from which you will craft 1200 lutes.

Musician: But you said music served no logical purpose.

Kapok: It doesn't. (Takes the musician's lute) But it makes excellent firewood. (Throws the lute into a fire) To the dungeons with him!

Genie: (Aladdin is ready to attack) Easy, fella. Don't go doing anything ration... whoa! (Aladdin jumps off the balcony, knocking Genie's head off of him. Aladdin's body swings off of a chandelier and slides down a tapestry.)

Kapok: (Turning around, with a smile) Ah, company. (The heart shaped emblem flashes red) Look, Fair Heart, it's your friend.

(Aladdin kicks away the guards, freeing the musician. He gestures for him to go.)

Musician: Ah, thank you.

Kapok: Always running wherever your impulsive heart leads, aren't you? Your head had the sense to stay away. Good thinking on his part.

(Aladdin charges for Kapok. He misses. Kapok blasts the chandelier, causing it to fall down on top of Aladdin)

Jasmine: No! Aladdin...

Kapok: Foolish heart of Aladdin, this shall be your last day. (The guards grab his body) Foolish, foolish heart.

Jasmine: We have to do something.

Aladdin: I have a plan.

Genie: (Makes his ears huge) I'm all ears, Al.

Aladdin: We return to Agrabah.

Jasmine: What?

Aladdin: Once there, we will be in excellent position to have our Sultan enact economic sanctions.

Jasmine: We don't have time for that. Your body's in danger.

Aladdin: Who's to blame for that? He's always leaping headlong into jeopardy. He'll kill us both one day.

Jasmine: He may think too much with his heart, but you think too much with your head. We're getting you guys back together.

Aladdin: Sorry, I refuse to go near him.

Genie and Jasmine: Like he has a choice...

Genie: (Throws his head onto his body, beside Aladdin's) Ta-da! The amazing two-headed transplanted Genie! (Aladdin rolls his eyes.)

Kapok: I find you guilty. Your crime: emoting without a head. (Abu climbs up Kapok's leg and grabs the key to his shackle. He climbs on Kapok's shoulder to unlock it) Your sentence: death. (He prepares to blast magic; Kapok sniffs) Monkey? Shoo! (Knocks Abu off of his shoulder. He reaches for his key, and realizes that it is missing) The key! (Blasts magic at Abu) Get the key!

(Abu is tripped up by the magic and drops the key. Genie grabs it.)

Genie: Mine! (The magic Kapok blasted hits a pillar. The pillar crumbles. Genie mocks Kapok) Here it is! (The rocks fall onto Genie. Aladdin's head lies on the ground.)

Guard 1: The key!

Aladdin: Hmm, I seem to be in harm's way. (Abu grabs the head, shoving the key into his mouth. A guard chases him)

Abu: Oh yeah? (Aladdin grabs the guard and throws him out of the way. Abu is approached by the other guard. Iago flies down to Abu.)

Iago: (Taking Aladdin's head from him) Head's up! (Flying away with it) Ha ha, gotta keep your eye on the ball.

Aladdin: Caution ahead. (Iago crashes into the wall; Aladdin's head freefalls. He spits out the key.) Help! (Aladdin jumps over a pit of fire and grabs his head) If you had miscalculated, you might have perished in that fire. For once, I am glad you were thinking with your heart. Now, um, perhaps we should find that key?

Kapok: This key? (Kapok holds out the key) My head and body will never again part. (He throws the key into the fire.)

Jasmine: Genie!

Genie: (Still stuck under the rubble) Oh Mommy, I don't want to pet the bunny anymore.

Iago: (Staggers by) I'll pet the bunny. Which way did the bunny go?

Jasmine: No...

Kapok: Princess, no need to worry your pretty little head off. Hey... good idea. Guards!

Jasmine: No (The guards grab Jasmine) ...no!

Kapok: You and Aladdin are about to make a really cute couple.

Aladdin: (To his body) This may come as no surprise, but I have an idea.

(Kapok begins to do the separation spell on Jasmine. Aladdin holds a mirror out in front of Kapok.)

Kapok: No! (The shackle unlocks and Kapok's head falls to the ground) Ouch... (He looks up at Fair Heart, the emblem on his chest flashing.)

(The guards free Jasmine.)

Guard 2: Thank the stars!

Guard 1: Our Fair Heart is free!

Guards: (Bowing) Forgive us, Princess.

Genie: (Staggering) He followed me home, Mommy. Can I keep him? (Falls onto Carpet.)

(Iago and Abu approach Kapok's head.)

Kapok: Back, back!

Iago: You know, Abu, I see this and I can't help but think: lawn bowling.

Abu: Uh huh.

(Fair Heart hands Aladdin's body its head. He bows. The emblem flashes)

Aladdin: Oh well, it's back to body odor and all that. (Aladdin tugs on his nose) Ow!

(Fair Heart reattaches Aladdin's head and body.)

Jasmine: I love a man with a good head on his shoulders.

(Setting: Upanistan, Sunset)

(The gang is outside the palace, on Carpet. Fair Heart holds Kapok's head in a cage)

Aladdin: Sorry for any trouble we caused. And thanks again for helping. (To Kapok's head.) And you. From one head to another, let me assure you...

Iago: Oh, please, don't say it!

Aladdin: ...Everybody needs somebody. Get it? Needs some body?

The Gang:  Oh!

(The gang flies away.)

Kapok: Anecdotes, amusing stories, puns, riddles! Completely illogical.