The Closet Reconfiguration


 * Bernadette: (offscreen) Howard?
 * Howard: In here.
 * Bernadette: I’m sorry. I should have left it alone.
 * Howard: It’s okay. Sorry I ran off like that.
 * Bernadette: What are you looking at?
 * Howard: Uh, pictures of my dad and me when I was a kid.
 * Bernadette: That’s nice.
 * Howard: I got to tell you, as angry as I am at Sheldon for blabbing, he did a hell of a job organizing this closet. Look at this. Photos of Wolowitz family before father left forever. Check out nine-year-old Howie with cornrows. Neither race was happy to see me with those.
 * Bernadette: Think you could take a break?
 * Howard: Why?
 * Bernadette: Got a little surprise for you. Come on.
 * Howard: Oh, honey, I am in no mood to have sex tonight. I’ll lay there if you absolutely have to have it, but… Oh. What are you guys doing here?
 * Leonard: When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad’s letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
 * Howard: Oh yeah, what’s that?
 * Sheldon: It’s simple, really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.
 * Penny: We were all thinking it, really. It's kind of the elephant in the room.
 * Sheldon: Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don’t tell you which one it is, you will be forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
 * Penny: Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not even do it.
 * Bernadette: Sit down, honey.
 * Leonard: Raj, you’re up.
 * Raj: Okay. It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday, Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card. The one where the frog had his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
 * Leonard: Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-eyed Willy.
 * Howard: Nice try. That’s the plot for Goonies.
 * Amy: Told you.
 * Sheldon: Don’t.
 * Leonard: Amy.
 * Amy: You didn't know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.
 * Howard: Really?
 * Sheldon: Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made up and it still could be the map. (Amy looks unhappy)
 * Leonard: Penny.
 * Penny: It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said he was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.
 * Sheldon: I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.
 * Amy: No, it’s not.
 * Sheldon: Don’t.
 * Leonard: OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.
 * Howard: Hmm.
 * Leonard: Bernadette.
 * Bernadette: Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift. (Howard gets up and walks away). You, okay?
 * Howard: Yes. I’m terrific.
 * Sheldon: So? Which one do you think it is... matey?
 * Howard: Actually I don’t want to know. I want all of them to be true.
 * Leonard: Well, one of them is.
 * Howard: That is pretty cool. Thank you guys.


 * Howard: Hey, guys, come on in.
 * All: Hi.
 * Penny: Ooh, it smells good.
 * Bernadette: (smiles at Penny) Thanks. (reminding Sheldon happily and firmly) And, Sheldon, I know tonight’s the night you eat Thai food, so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients and made it from scratch.
 * Sheldon: (pretends to grumble) Oh, you shouldn’t have.
 * Bernadette: (reassuring Sheldon) Oh, it’s my pleasure.
 * Sheldon: (pretends to grumble again) No, you really shouldn’t have. (produces a bag of takeout Thai food) I brought my own.
 * (Bernadette is now extremely shockingly cross by this)
 * Bernadette: (asking one of the gang members crossly) You stopped and got him takeout?
 * Leonard: (he complains to Bernadette) I had no choice. He kept kicking the back of my seat.
 * (Howard stands next to the really shocked and cross Bernadette)
 * Bernadette: (explaining to Sheldon crossly) Sheldon, I’ve been cooking all day.
 * Sheldon: (thinking that she is a fool) Well, now don’t you feel silly.
 * (Bernadette turns to her husband with a rather firm look)
 * Bernadette: (she snaps to Howard crossly) Show him the closet.
 * (Howard does a reacting smile at his wife getting more crosser and the opening theme of "The Big Bang Theory" begins).


 * (The scene at Howard and Bernadette's apartment to which the six folks (minus Sheldon) are having dinner together)
 * Raj: These spring rolls are amazing. Good job, Bernadette.
 * Bernadette: (she is very cross indeed by Raj's compliment) That’s the takeout that Sheldon brought.
 * Raj: Oh, well, I’m sure they wouldn’t have tasted nearly as good if I hadn’t tried your food first.
 * (Bernadette gets mega-fully insulted, Raj thinks for little bit and Howard is about to rub his nose when Sheldon enters from the closet holding a two-shaded red shirt)
 * Sheldon: Howard, did you want your clothes arranged seasonally or by color?
 * Howard: (shiftily) Color’s fine.
 * Sheldon: (reacting crossly) Wrong, they’ll be arranged seasonally.
 * (Howard smiles reactingly)
 * Penny: (worried) Sheldon, aren’t you gonna spend a little time with Amy?
 * Amy: Oh, it’s okay, I’m used to it. The other day at Whole Foods, he spent an hour optimizing the cheese aisle.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, and some thanks I got. The assistant manager chased me out with an artisanal salami.
 * (Sheldon exits back to the closet whilst Leonard and Penny look miserable)
 * Amy: (with a smirk of happiness) His quirks just make you love him more.
 * (Penny, Leonard and Raj put on their thinking expression)
 * Amy: Someone please agree with me.
 * (Howard has a reacting chuckled face, Bernadette is still furious with some hurt feelings (as of what Sheldon did earlier), Leonard looks concerned and Penny drinks happily with herself).

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.
 * Bernadette: Howie, you okay?
 * Howard: Yeah, I just couldn’t sleep.
 * Bernadette: Told you you shouldn’t have espresso after dinner. I know the little cups make you feel big, but it’s not worth it.
 * Howard: It’s this stupid letter.
 * Bernadette: Did you read it?
 * Howard: No.
 * Bernadette: You must be curious.
 * Howard: Of course I’m curious. I haven’t seen the man since, oh, I was a little kid. And a letter shows up on my 18th birthday? What’s that about?
 * Bernadette: Why don’t you read it? Maybe he apologizes or explains why he left.
 * Howard: He abandoned me and my mother. Why does he deserve a chance to explain anything?
 * Bernadette: I get that. So, what do you want to do with it?
 * Howard: Something I should have done a long time ago. (Sets fire to it)
 * Bernadette: (rather shocked and cross) Really? Are you sure?
 * Howard: Yep.
 * Bernadette: Feel better?
 * Howard: I do. (Smoke alarm goes off) Great. Neither one of us is tall enough to reach that.


 * Amy: I can’t believe he set it on fire.
 * Bernadette: (she is very worried) Yeah, just seeing that letter really freaked him out. And he was already having a tough day ’cause he accidentally wore my pants to work.
 * (Penny put on a reacting smile by this and Amy puts on an odd twitchy lip expression)
 * Bernadette: (concerned and cross) I don’t know why he was upset. They were bigger on him than me.
 * (Penny turns a little bit sad for minute)
 * Amy: (in a low voice of disappointment) Boy, I’m really curious what was in that letter.
 * Bernadette: (she is very worried once again) Me, too, but I guess now we’ll never know.
 * Amy: Well, you said Sheldon read it. Why not ask him?
 * Bernadette: (in a tiny tone of anger) I can’t do that. What kind of wife would I be if I didn’t respect my husband’s privacy?
 * Penny: What if I ask Sheldon, you just happen to be in the room?
 * Bernadette: That works.
 * Penny: Okay.
 * (The start to make for the laundry room together)


 * Penny: The letter was found in Bernadette's closet. Doesn't that count for something?
 * Sheldon: Are you pointing out that California is a community property state and since Howard and Bernadette are married the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses?
 * Penny: (Hesitates while thinking) Yeah, obviously.
 * Sheldon: Well played. Sometimes I don't give you enough credit, Penny.


 * Howard: Sheldon, I swear to God, I’m gonna kill you!
 * Amy: Hey!
 * Bernadette: I made him tell us.
 * Howard: What? Us? Who else knows?
 * Penny: I know.
 * Amy: Me, too.
 * Leonard: Same here.
 * Raj: Shame on all of you.
 * Leonard: You know, too.
 * Raj: Couldn't leave him one friend, could you?
 * Howard: So everybody knows what’s in that letter except for me?
 * Sheldon: Yes, it’s six against one. Stand down, sir.
 * Howard: How could you do this?
 * Bernadette: I’m sorry.
 * Raj: If you want, we could tell you.
 * Howard: No, I don’t want to know. I mean, I do, but… I got to go.
 * Amy: (completely angry) Use me as a human shield?
 * Sheldon: I panicked! He looked taller than usual.


 * Bernadette: What you doing?
 * Howard: You said clean up. I’m cleaning up.
 * Bernadette: (not very happy) You can’t just throw everything in the closet.
 * Howard: Hey, you can tell me what to do or you can tell me how to do it, but you can’t do both. This isn’t sex.
 * Bernadette: (sounding very worried) What if someone looks in there?
 * Howard: They’re just coming over for dinner. No one’s gonna look in the closet.
 * Bernadette: (sounding even more worried)Well, you don’t know that. What if someone’s looking for the bathroom and they open that door?
 * Howard: Could work out. For all we know there’s a toilet in there somewhere.
 * Bernadette: (quietly and crossly) Fine. But after tonight we need to get a handle on this mess.
 * Howard: You know what we should do? We should show the closet to Sheldon.
 * Bernadette: (sounding a little bit puzzled) Why?
 * Howard: Are you kidding? He’s like a savant at organizing. Everything in his apartment has a label on it. Including his label maker, which has a label that says label maker. And if you look really close at that label maker label, you’ll see a label that says label.
 * Bernadette: (rather shocked in surprise) He’s our guest, we can’t just ask him to straighten our closet.
 * Howard: No, we wouldn’t ask him. We’d just show him the closet and let the goblins in his head take it from there.


 * Penny: Hey, it’s still early. Why don’t we go back and have that party?
 * Raj: Yeah,
 * Leonard: Yeah, cool.
 * Amy: Okay.
 * Sheldon: You know, surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn’t the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette’s diary has some saucy passages.
 * (Howard looks shocked for a second and Bernadette is now very cross with Sheldon)
 * Bernadette: (yells at Sheldon crossly) Sheldon, don’t you dare.
 * Sheldon: (reassures her) There’s nothing to worry about. Your secret’s safe with me.
 * Bernadette: (she is still very cross) That’s more like it.
 * (Bernadette has now left hers and Howard's apartment in a huff)
 * Sheldon: (speaks to Howard) Although copyright law would allow me to quote snippets in the context of a review.
 * (He stares at Howard for a second and exits. Howard has nothing more to say by this point)


 * Bernadette: Glad you’re feeling better.
 * Howard: Me, too. If I’d known we were gonna be dancing, would have worn my flats.
 * Penny: (laughing) This turned out pretty well, huh?
 * Leonard: (grinning) Yeah, I think so.
 * Raj: I agree. That is, if you’ve never been to or heard of a party before.
 * (Penny reacts at what Raj had said)
 * Amy: If you’d let me pierce your brain with a hot needle in the right place, you’d be happy all the time.
 * (Raj puts on an odd expression his face to what Amy said as it is meant to be good or bad and a strppy Sheldon opens the door and enters the apartment)
 * Sheldon: Uh, Penny, I, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you’re keeping this dead goldfish?
 * Penny: (with a loud shock of sadness) Damn, I forgot to feed him. (She then puts on a cross reaction) And that I had him.
 * Sheldon: Well, now, did you also have a dog? Because I found what appears to be a battery-operated chew toy.
 * Penny: (with a loud yell of embarrassment) Party’s over! Party’s over!
 * (She pushes Sheldon out of the apartment and runs with him)