Two Brains' Quartet

Transcript for Two Brains' Quartet
Narrator: Just another ordinary, extraordinary day in the city. Why, you ask? I’ll let the TV reporter give you the exciting news.

Reporter: That’s right, narrator! Yes sir, this little old town is turning one hundred years young, and throwing itself a HUGE centennial party! And no centennial would be complete without a barbershop  quartet ’s song competition! You heard me right-- (standing up and singing) the most  melodious  and exciting singing style there is!

(The camera pulls back, showing that we are inside Dr. Two-Brains’ lair, and Two-Brains’ henchmen are sitting on the couch watching.)

Henchman 1: Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinking, Charlie? (Begins snapping his fingers) She-dobby-doe-doe, bum-bum, be-dobby-doe-doe-doe-doe-doe, bum-bum-bum…

(Charlie begins snapping his fingers along with his friend. Two-Brains pulls up behind them driving a forklift carrying a load of cheese.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Oh my poor ears, stop that at once!

Narrator: I thought it sounded quite  melodious .

Henchman 1: Boss, boss! The town is havin’ a singing competition at the centennial celebration!

Dr. Two-Brains: And I should care… because?

Henchman 1: It’s not just ANY singing competition, it’s a competition to see who is the best barbershop  quartet !

Dr. Two-Brains: What?? We’re VILLAINS, we don’t belong in a town event!

Henchman 1: But boss-- PLEEEASE?

Dr. Two-Brains: (singing) NO-O-O! Besides, we don’t have enough members to form a barbershop  quartet .

Reporter: ...And the winners of the singing competition will get to join the mayor on stage as he rolls out the town’s famous one hundred year old cheese wheel!

(Two-Brains turns around, and has a look of shock on his face.)

Reporter: This perfectly preserved piece of cheese has been completely untouched for one hundred years! This is literally a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!

(Two-Brains runs over to the TV.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Uh, how many in a  quartet , hmm? Four, right? (Begins counting, starting with Charlie) One...

Henchman 1: Two…

Dr. Two-Brains: Three--

(After an awkward pause, he looks up and points at his mouse brain.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Oh, four! A perfect  quartet ! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

(He locks his arms around the henchmen’s shoulders. They both smile with excitement.)

(Scene: the Botsford living room. Becky, Bob, Mr. and Mrs. Botsford, and TJ are sitting on the couch watching the same TV broadcast.)

Mr. Botsford: Holy mustache wax! A barbershop  quartet  contest? This town is getting edgy and I like it!

TJ: You think we’ll be able to get tickets for the show, Dad?

Mr. Botsford: We won’t NEED tickets, because we’re going to ENTER that barbershop  quartet  contest!

(Everyone raises their arms and yells with approval.)

Mr. Botsford: Honey, dust off our seersucker suits and straw hats!

(Mrs. Botsford slips off quickly and come back dressed in a white shirt covered by a red-and-white striped vest, and a gray skirt, wearing a short hat with red, white and gray stripes. She pushes in a rack of similar styled clothing for the rest of the family.)

Mrs. Botsford: Way ahead of you, dee-e-e-ear! (She sings the last word.)

Narrator: Back at the lab, the Two-Brains  quartet  are hard at work practicing for the show. Well, half of them are hard at work...

(Scene: Two-Brain’s lair. Charlie is playing a keyboard, which Henchman 1 is singing. They are both wearing orange-and-yellow striped vests with brown pants, and straw hats with similar colors. Meanwhile, they hear Two-Brains working on building something off-screen.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Success! Hey you two, get over here! We no longer NEED to “practice”, because I have just created a device that will guarantee us a victory! If you practice and try hard, you MIGHT win, BUT if you cheat, you ALWAYS win!

(He holds up a strange looking ray gun.)

Henchman 1: Isn’t the expression, “Cheaters never win”?

Dr. Two-Brains: I’ll hold all questions until after my ray demonstration. Now, once the competing  quartet  is on stage performing, I just zap them with this ray, and it turns their singing voices from  melodious  to awful-ul!

Henchman 1: (looking at Charlie) Huh?

Dr. Two-Brains: It, uh-- makes their good singing sound bad.

Henchman 1: Uh-- (clearing throat) --I don’t know, boss. We’ve been practicin’ really hard, and we’re getting pretty good! Listen… (He and Charlie begin snapping their fingers) Duh-duh-duh-doe-dee-dee-doe-doe-doe-ump-doe-doe-dee-doe!

(Two-Brains stares at them, and stays silent for a long time.)

Two-Brains: Yeah, we’re gonna cheat with my ray. Zap me and I’ll show you how it works!

(He tosses the ray gun to Henchman 1. Two-Brains stands on a box and begins singing.)

Dr. Two-Brains:  (singing)  Fee-gah-roh. Zap me now!

Henchman 1: Oh, I can’t, boss. Your voice, it’s too beautiful!

Dr. Two-Brains: (still singing) I said let me have I-I-I-I-I-T !

Henchman 1: (crying) I can’t, boss!

Dr. Two-Brains: (still singing) Who-o-o pays your check? You work for me-e-e-e!

Henchman 1: But your voice is gorgeous!

Dr. Two-Brains:  (singing)  Ma-a-a-ke with a zapp-ing now!

Henchman 1: Don’t make me do it, boss!

Dr. Two-Brains:  (singing) Zap me, zap me, zap me ZA-A-AP me.

Henchman 1: No, no, no!

Dr. Two-Brains:  (singing)  Zap me!

Henchman 1: No!

Dr. Two-Brains:  (singing)  Zap me!

Henchman 1: Okay.

(He covers his face and fires the ray gun at Two-Brains, who quickly loses control of his voice, proving that the ray works.)

(Scene: The Botsford home. The family is dressed in costume and practicing for the competition.)

Narrator: Do-o-o…

Mr. Botsford: Re-e-e…

Mrs. Botsford: Me-e-e…

TJ: Fa-a-a…

Becky: (out of tune) SO-O-O.... Ha! Practice DOES make perfect!

Mr. Botsford: Yeah… honey, you’re getting-- better. Definitely more  melodious  than before. So… um… we’ve got a really neat idea for you.

Becky: Is it my own solo?

Mr. Botsford: Sort of… you know what’s even more fun than singing?

Becky: Umm… (singing out of tune) No-thing!

Mr. Botsford: Nope! Managing! It’s great, you get to be in charge of sign-up, filling out forms, making sure our ties are straight… everything!

Becky: Yeah that sounds-- fun, but no, no, no, we’re a  quartet . A  quartet  is four, I couldn’t-- let you down like that!

(Bob hops onto Mr. Botsford’s shoulder, dressed in costume. He chatters a melody and tips his hat.)

Mr. Botsford: Really, really good, Bob!

TJ: SO good!

Becky: Wow, that was-- incredible. Well, I guess Bob makes four, so-- (putting on a cowboy hat) --say hello to your new manager!

Narrator: And after countless hours of practice, the big Barbershop  Quartet  Showdown has arrived! (singing) Yeah, yeah, wooo!

(Scene: The theater. The mayor is onstage getting ready to start the competition, and looks up when the narrator starts to sing.)

Narrator: Hey, I’m excited too, you know?

Mayor: Now, now, everyone settle down! I know we’re all excited to hear some of the town’s favorite brand of music, so I’ll be brief--

(He clears his throat, and a slideshow begins behind him.)

Mayor: One hundred years! Where has the time gone? (looks through his cue cards) And here’s the county fair of 1901! (slide changes) And here’s the county fair today! Uh, it’s the same. (slide changes) Uh, and here’s the BANK!

(The audience is starting to get bored.)

Mayor: And, um… WHOA! Look, a dog from the old days, that dog must be, um… dead now! (slide changes) And there’s my, uh, uncle… uh… look at that hat! Uh… Oh! And with a little bit of hard work, of--

Woman in Audience: Hey, I didn’t pay for this!

Another woman: Get to the barbershop  quartet  songs!

Mayor: Alright, alright! I was getting to that! Okay, but first, don’t you want to see what the groups are competing for?

(The audience claps and starts chanting “Cheese!”. A giant wheel of cheese is rolled onto the stage.)

Mayor: I give you-- the Cheese Wheel!

(There are more cheers from the audience. Meanwhile, the Ming family moves onto the stage. Behind them, the Botsford family is preparing for their turn.)

Mr. Botsford: You guys, I am humbled to be performing with the Botsford Four tonight!

Mrs. Botsford: I’m so nervous, honey!

TJ: Me too!

Mr. Botsford: Well, don’t be. I’m pretty sure we’re the only team with a singing monkey!

Becky: And a manager!

(Becky comes up behind them wearing the cowboy hat and a matching outfit.)

Mr. Botsford: Who is-- on the ball! (rubs her hat) Ha-ha, great! Now, let’s warm up.

(As they start to warm up, Becky looks behind her and sees Dr. Two-Brains and his henchman. They are all dressed in their outfits, and he has even placed a tiny hat onto his mouse brain.)

Becky: (gasps, and whispers to herself) Dr. Two-Brains!

(She walks over to him.)

Becky: Hey, Dr. Two-Brains! Whacha looking at?

Dr. Two-Brains: Hm? Uh, uh, nothing! Uh, nothing at all! Uh-- uh, nice day for a barbershop  quartet  showdown, hmm?

Becky: Yeah, quite a nice big hunk of cheese, huh?

Dr. Two-Brains: Hm?-- oh, I hadn’t noticed it. Cheese isn’t really my thing.

(His mouse brain starts jumping, and he covers it with his hands.)

Becky: Really? Hmm, okay, well, nice seeing ya. (walks away, and whispers to herself) Better keep an eye on him.

(Meanwhile, the Mings have just finished their performance, and the audience cheers for them. The Botsford family comes onto the stage.)

Mayor: Let’s give a warm welcome to the Botsford Four!

Botsford Family: (singing) Holy clock hands, where did they go? Time moves so fast--

(Bob looks up and sees Dr. Two-Brains on a beam above them.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Very  melodious ! Not for long!

(He pulls out his ray gun, and Bob panics and starts signaling to Becky who is sitting in the front row watching.)

Becky: Oh Bob, such a ham!

(Bob points to his head and holds up two fingers.)

Becky: Oh, right, okay, Dr. Two-Brains. Yes.

(Bob points above them. She looks up and sees Two-Brains hanging onto the beam, aiming the ray at them.)

Becky: Oh no, I KNEW it!

(She gets up and runs off, changing into WordGirl. Backstage, the henchmen are watching the competition, looking sad.)

Henchman 1: I STILL think we could have beat them without cheating!

(WordGirl flies past them, and hovers next to Two-Brains.)

WordGirl: Stop right there, Two-Brains!

(He fires the ray gun onto the stage, and the Botsfords immediately start singing out of tune. She tries to grab the ray gun from Two-Brains, causing him to slip off the beam and grab onto a rope. She grabs the ray gun and Two-Brains.)

Mr. Botsford: Hey, what happened? We were really cooking there!

(The mayor comes out from behind the curtain, in the middle of eating a pretzel with mustard.)

Mayor: Uh, what’s going on?

WordGirl: Mayor, Dr. Two-Brains is cheating!

(The audience gasps.)

WordGirl: He made a ray that makes everyone else sing out of tune, so that he can win and take all of the first-place cheese for himself!

Mayor: (consulting the rule book) Uh… yup, says right here in the rule book, “No rays that make people sing bad are allowed.” Plus-- you’re not even a  quartet ! One, two, three.

Dr. Two-Brains: (pointing to his head) And four! I have two brains! Ha! Gotcha on a technicality.

Mayor: Well, you’re still disqualified for cheating! Take ‘em away, boys.

(An officer starts to escort them off stage.)

Henchman 1: Wait! Will you please let us sing our song? We worked so hard on it, and, well, it would mean a lot to Charlie and me.

Mayor: Ah, I… I can’t say no to barbershop  quartet  songs! Go right ahead.

(They begin performing their number.)

Two-Brains and Henchmen: (singing) Sometimes when I’m down, my town, my town, I think about this whole town, my town, my town! And then I’m happy as a clown, because I know I’ve got my own town and people are friendly, they wave, and smile! Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum… I think I might stay and chat a while!

(The audience cheers and throws roses onto the stage.)

Mayor: Oh, that was the most  melodious  song I’ve ever heard!

Henchman 1: Um, thanks? I think.

WordGirl: Allow me.  Melodious  is when something sounds pleasant, like your song! It was very  melodious  because it had a nice melody.

Mayor: Yes, it sure was. Too bad you cheated or you probably would have won! Which-- brings us to the moment we’ve all been waiting for. I am pleased to announce that the winner-- is-- the Botsford Four!

(Everyone cheers as the Botsford come onto stage. Becky trails behind them after having changed back from WordGirl.)

Mayor: Roll it out!

(The cheese wheel comes onto the stage. As he is being dragged off, Two-Brains watches.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Nooo!

Mayor: Congratulations to the Botsford Four!

Dr. Two-Brains: Oh… see you in a hundred years, cheese wheel.

Narrator: And so, even though Dr. Two-Brains lost his one and only chance to taste the best cheese ever, his henchmen finally got to share their  melodious  singing voices! Join us next time for another stupendous episode of-- (singing) --WordGirl!

(In the last scene, Two-Brains and his henchmen are performing in jail for the other villains. Glen Furlblam turns around, looking disgusted.)