Poor Iago

(Setting: the palace. Iago and Abu enter the room.)

Iago: At last! Okay, the sultan's gold dust is stored right above this chamber!

(Abu chatters, sounds like "I don't know 'bout the sultan")

Iago: Of course the sultan won't mind! He's not gonna miss a few million dinari. Get a grip on yourself!

(Abu pushes Iago away and chatters angrily.)

Iago: All right. I'm calming down. Try going for three weeks without sleep and see how  you  feel. The incessant planning, the long nights working 'till dawn... It's enough to drive one to the very brink of... of... of... skoodely-woodeley land! So, anyways, the gold is surrounded by walls of lead, eh, three feet thick, except for the floor, which is a mere foot of granite. Not to worry. I've devised a cunning plan. YO, GENIE!

(Genie, whose tail is shaped like a spring, bounces into the room.)

Genie: Howdy, kids! Just bounced in from the throne room, and boy is my tail tired. Woo! You look wasted! You should get some sleep.

Iago: Skip it, knothead! We need a hand with somethin'!

Genie: Uh... okay... What'll it be? A heavy box lifted? A lid of a jar loosened? A co-signer on a loan? Anything to help a friend.

Iago: Would you mind drilling a hole in the ceiling?

Genie:  (suspiciously)  What for?

Iago: Uh, the sultan wants to install, eh, a chandelier.

Genie: Wow! What an original design concept! (turns into a giant electric drill and drills a hole in the ceiling)  Uh, there you go. One hole drilled to perfection.

(As soon as Genie turns his back, gold dust starts pouring out of the ceiling. Iago and Abu stare at it, transfixed.)

Genie: Anything else I can do for you? Hello? Anybody home? I said, anything else I can do for you?

Iago: Uh, no, I - I think that'll do it.

Genie: Glad to be of service. (leaves)

Iago: Yes! We've hit the mother lode!

(Iago jumps into the giant pile of gold dust and starts rolling around in it.)

Iago: We're richer than our wildest dreams. Richer than the casinos of Getzistan. Richer than a thousand crooked senators! (Iago is now covered in gold)  I love gold! I love to burrow through it like a gopher, dive through it like a dolphin, and throw it up and let it hit me in the head. Ha ha!

(Abu reaches for the gold dust.)

Iago: Hands off, furball! I know what you're thinkin'. I can see it in your eyes. Heh heh. You're thinkin', "Iago's gotta sleep sooner or later, then I'll get him, and all the gold will be mine!" Begone, foul traitor!

(Aladdin, Jasmine, and Genie run into the room.)

Aladdin: What's goin' on in here?

(Iago stands on the pile of gold, laughing maniacally.)

Aladdin: Iago, what are you doing? The sultan will be furious!

Iago: I am imbued with the power of greed. Iago is no more! He has become greed incarnate!

Genie: You weren't really trying to install a chandelier, were you?

Aladdin: Iago, get out of the palace before the sultan sees this mess and locks you up!

Jasmine: And after we're done cleaning up your mess I'll make you wish you'd never heard of gold dust!

Iago: You're right, Jasmine. I must leave the palace. I must go and tell the world. The world must know the glory of greed in its absolute perfection!

Aladdin: Abu, follow Iago and make sure he doesn't get in any more trouble.

(Setting: the marketplace)

Omar: Grapes and plums! I have... (sighs) Raisins and prunes. I have raisins and prunes!

Farouk:  I  have water!

Woman: You dare charge such prices during a drought? Ooh, it is robbery!

Farouk: Then you can go thirsty!

(Abis Mal and Haroud are at a hat stand; Abis is trying on hats.)

Haroud: Sir, we are wanted men in this city! This is an awfully big risk to take for just a hat!

Abis Mal: Just a hat? Why, Haroud, the hat makes the man! Would people bow down before the sultan if he wore some tatty little fez? I think not. You see, when you go out, your hat is a little piece of home to keep your brain in. Ooh! That's a good one! I gotta write that down...

(Iago enters, followed by Abu.)

Iago: One side, peasants! Make way for the personification of greed! (climbs up onto one of Farouk's water barrels)

Abu: Huh?

Iago: Hear my words! I am Greed! Honor me and pay me tribute!

(Everyone at Farouk's stall groans and starts to walk away.)

Farouk: How can I sell my water with you driving away all my customers?

Iago: Water? Come to think of it, Greed is a bit thirsty. Water for Greed, merchant!

Farouk: Let me see some money!

Iago:  (plucks out a feather and holds it out to Farouk)  How about a golden feather?

Woman: Ooh, golden feathers!

(A mob of people run toward Iago and start plucking his feathers.)

Iago: Stop!

Abis Mal: Did you see that? Golden feathers!

Haroud: Yes, it must be the legendary Golden Bird of Babbaganoosh. According to the ancient legend, the bird will lead anyone who follows it to treasure!

Abis Mal: I know! Let's follow it! It'll lead us to treasure!

Haroud: Good thinking, o wise one.

(They look at where Iago was, but he is gone, and the crowd is leaving, carrying piles of golden feathers.)

Abis Mal: He's gone!

(Haroud points to Iago's footprints leading away down an alley.)

Haroud: The legend speaks of a golden trail left by the bird! (he and Abis laugh)

(Setting: another part of Agrabah. Iago, who is dazed and missing a lot of feathers, is being lead away by Abu on foot.)

Iago: Eh, bunch of miserable lousy peasants... I'd like ta...

(Iago falls down; Abu chatters in a panicked voice and motions for Iago to get up.)

Iago: I  can't  walk anymore! And this gold is too heavy for me to fly. Being Greed isn't all it's cracked up to be.

(Abis and Haroud sneak up behind them, and a melon cart is heading toward them in the other direction. Abu sees the cart and tries to warn Iago.)

Iago: Leave me alone. I don't need to... Ah! Okay, I'll fly!

(Iago is hit by the cart and gets stuck to the front; Abis is hit in the face with one of the melons.)

Abis Mal: After him!

Iago:  (dragged along the ground by the cart)  Ow! Ow! Ouch! Oo! Ah! Oh! (he falls off the cart and is kicked up into the air by the man pushing the cart)  Yeaaaouch! (lands on a rooftop)  I don't know about this greed business anymore. Maybe I should be envy or sloth instead.

Man:  (behind Iago)  Golden feathers. Heh heh. Come to papa! Here, birdy!

Iago:  (runs away)  Keep away from me! You've got cooties! (comes to the edge of the rooftop; he looks down and sees Farouk's water barrels)

Man: Nowhere to go, birdy! Either give me your golden feathers or leap to your doom.

(Iago jumps off the roof.)

Iago: Ah! Aaaaaaaaah!

(He lands in a barrel, but sinks because he is too heavy to swim and passes out.)

(Setting: Aladdin's hovel. Aladdin, Genie, and Abu are looking down at a wet, delirious Iago who is missing a lot of his feathers. The gold dust has all been washed off.)

Aladdin: That's what you get for being greedy, Iago. It's a good thing Abu found you in time. What do you have to say for yourself now?

(Iago spits out some water.)

Genie: He's in skoodeley-woodeley land, Al. Do you want me to fix his feathers while he's docile?

Aladdin: Good idea, Genie.

(Genie zaps Iago.)

Genie: What do you think? It's my own creation.

(Iago's feathers are back to normal, except that the feathers on his head are sticking straight up.)

Iago: Awk!

Aladdin: I know I'm wasting my time, but you have got to stop being so greedy!

Iago:  (with wild eyes)  You're absolutely right, Aladdin.

Aladdin: I am?

Iago: Aladdin... greed is wrong.

Aladdin: Iago... do you know what you're saying?!

Iago: Yes, Aladdin. I, Iago, have decided to take a vow of poverty.

Abu: Huh?

(Setting: Aladdin's hovel the next morning)

Aladdin: Wake up, everybody! We've been robbed!

Abu: What? Huh?

Genie: Oh, you'd have to be pretty desperate to rob a place like this!

Abu:  (feels his head and notices that his fez is gone)  Oh, huh?

Genie: Al, have you seen my lamp?

Aladdin: Wait a minute... Where's Iago?

Aladdin, Genie, and Abu: Uh oh...

(Setting: the marketplace)

Omar: Rice and beans! I have rice and beans!

Farouk:  (no one is at his stand)  Nice refreshing water! Two dinari a sip!... Okay, one!

(Iago has a stall next to Farouk, and is holding open a bag of treasure. A crowd is surrounding him.)

Iago: Gold and priceless jewels absolutely free! (holds up a golden cup)  The sacred chalice from the temple of Amok Mon-Ra. (throws it into the crowd)

(Aladdin pushes his way to the front of the crowd.)

Aladdin: What did you do with Genie's lamp and Abu's hat?

Iago: Gave 'em away.

Aladdin: Where did you get all this stuff?

Iago: Just a few momentos from our adventures.

Genie: Got anything I can replace my lamp with? (dives into the sack)

(Abu sees a man in the crowd wearing his fez and steals it back.)

Iago: Princess Jasmine's personal atomizer! (holds up a perfume bottle; he squeezes it and Genie pops out)

Genie: Hey, I was just starting to like that place!

Aladdin: Iago! We want our stuff back!

Iago: Get your mitts off me! I must spread the good word now. (perches on an awning and starts to give a speech)  My people! Once, I lived for gold. Then I realized... I didn't own my gold. It owned me! To be poor but happy is true wealth.

Akbar:  (stealing the purse of a man in the crowd)  Akbar love to steal. It Akbar's only joy in life.

Iago: For are not rich people merely poor people with money?

Akbar: Akbar never think of it that way...

Iago: And there is but one thing that all the gold in the world cannot buy... poverty.

Akbar:  (crying)  Akbar see great truth in words of birdie. Akbar give up life of crime!

(Akbar throws his stolen money on the ground; it is snatched up by the other spectators.)

Iago:  (looks over at Farouk)  Aah! To sell water during a drought is greed of the worst sort!

Aladdin: Iago!

Iago: Face your punishment, water merchant.

Farouk: I beg your pardon?

(Iago starts to push one of the barrels over.)

Farouk: Why you little... (rushes at Iago and accidentally knocks the barrel over himself)

Iago: Awk!

Aladdin:  (grabs Iago's wing)  You can't do this, Iago!

Farouk:  (grabs his other wing)  I will deal with this thief!

Iago: Let go before you dislocate something!

Akbar: Akbar save birdie from agents of evil.

(Akbar runs at them; Aladdin and Farouk let go of Iago, and Akbar knocks over the rest of the barrels.)

Iago:  (to Akbar)  Come, my good man. We shall free the entire city from the grip of greed.

Akbar: Akbar follow birdie to ends of Earth!

(Setting: the palace)

Aladdin: After he broke into the granary, I lost him in the crowd. Abu's still trying to track him down.

Jasmine: Iago won't stop until he's given away everything in the city!

Aladdin: He even gave away Genie's lamp!

Genie: I'm considering a lease with option on a lovely little gourd. The former owner was a carrion beetle.

Sultan: He's plunging the entire city into chaos! I'll have to send out the palace guards to arrest him!

Jasmine: It's for his own good.

Aladdin: I sure wish we had the old greedy Iago back.

(Setting: the Skull and Dagger)

Abis Mal: I am so sick of hanging out in this den of thieves. If we could only get our hands on that bird we'd be rich!

Haroud: Do stop talking about that bird. It's a one-in-a-million chance we'll ever see him again!

(Iago and Akbar enter)

Iago: Repent your thieving ways!

Abis Mal: It's him!

Haroud: Sir, that bird is not golden. It's Aladdin's parrot having a bad hair day.

Abis Mal: You're right! All this time Aladdin's parrot was really the golden bird in disguise!

Haroud: You're jumping to conclusions again.

Iago: Banish all thoughts of greed and riches will come to you!

(Akbar dumps the bag of treasure out on the floor.)

Akbar: Greed bad, huh?

Abis Mal: I told you it was him! He's even got some of the treasure with 'im!

Iago: So, who'd like this huge ruby?

(All the thieves look at the treasure greedily. Abu runs in and sees Iago.)

Iago: Please line up. Single file. (Abu pushes him out of the way)  Awk!

Thieves:  (start grabbing at the treasure and fighting among themselves)  It's mine! No, mine! I saw it first!

Iago: If we can't be orderly about this, just forget the whole thing!

(Akbar picks up all the thieves and Abu and throws them across the room. Akbar then picks up the sack of treasure and he and Iago leave.)

Abis Mal: Come on! We've gotta catch that bird!

Haroud: Wait! We'll never get past Akbar.

Abis Mal: And I suppose you have a better plan, Mr. Wisenheimer.

Haroud: Yes. If that  was  Aladdin's parrot, then  we  have his friend. (motions toward Abu, who is walking around, dazed)

(Setting: the streets of Agrabah. Akbar is walking down the street with Iago.)

Akbar: Akbar do anything for birdie thing. Destroy all life on Earth if necessary. ( walks off down a side street)

(Right after they leave, a group of merchants run by.)

Farouk: We shall tar and feather him!

Omar: He's already got feathers.

Farouk: Well... we shall pluck him, then tar and re-feather him!

(The merchants leave, and a group of guards run by.)

Rasoul: We'll roast that bird over a slow fire.

Fazal: Mmm, roast parrot! My favorite!

(The guards run away, with Aladdin chasing after them.)

Aladdin: Hey, you're just supposed to arrest him!

Genie:  (pops out of Aladdin's canteen)  I miss my lamp!

(Setting: a different street)

Iago: Perhaps we should donate the jewels to the orphanage.

Akbar: Anything birdie say okay by Akbar.

Abis Mal:  (on a rooftop)  Oh, little birdie...

Iago: Yeah, whadda you want?

Abis Mal: Golden Bird of Babbaganoosh, I demand that you take me to your treasure.

Iago: Hey, do I look golden to you? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm on a moral crusade.

(Haroud walks toward the edge, holding Abu in a cage.)

Abis Mal: We've got your pal. And if you want him back you better lead us to the booty.

Akbar: Akbar save furry little friend!

Abis Mal: Call off your goon, or the monkey gets it!

Akbar: Akbar not goon. Akbar just... misunderstood.

Iago: All right, all right, I'll take you to the treasure!

(Setting: the desert. Iago is leading, followed by Abis Mal and Haroud on horses. Akbar follows them on foot.)

Iago: Okay, no sweat. I'll just have to find a treasure or I'm doomed.

Akbar: Akbar follow birdie into desert. Maybe become hermits.

(The group of merchants sees Iago.)

Farouk: The bird!

(The guards see him.)

Rasoul: There he is!

(Iago lands by a big rock formation.)

Abis Mal: Just how far out is this treasure, anyway?

Iago: Uh, it's... right here. This is, uh, Mount Babbaganoosh. And, uh, at the top, you will find the Treasure of Babbaganoosh! Well, I guess I'll get my monkey and be moseying along...

Abis Mal:  After  we find the treasure.

(Abis Mal and Haroud climb to the top of the rock, carrying Iago.)

Haroud: There's nothing here!

Abis Mal: You tricked us!

Iago: Uh, it's here. But before you can get it, I - I have to do, uh, the Dance of Babbaganoosh. (Abis puts Iago down)  A one, a two, a one, two, three GO! (dives off the rock, flies down and frees Abu)  Let's beat it!

(Iago and Abu start to escape, but the merchants are running at them.)

Farouk: Get him!

(They turn and run the other direction, but the guards are running at them from that way.)

Rasoul: Get him!

Iago: Can we discuss this?

(The guards throw spears at Iago, but they miss and hit the rock, cracking it.)

Aladdin: Leave him alone! (pushes the guards away from Iago)

Genie:  (falling out of the canteen)  Easy, Al! I'm tryin' to take a nap!

Iago:  (starts preaching to the merchants)  The quality of mercy is not... (they aren't listening)  aahh!

(Abu grabs Iago and carries him up the rock, but Abis Mal is still up there.)

Abis Mal: Ha!

(Everyone jumps on Iago at once.)

Abis and Haroud: I've got him!

Merchants and guards: I've got him!

(The merchants start hitting where they think Iago is with clubs, but they hit the rock and the crack in it expands. The ground starts to rumble, and everyone runs away. A fountain of water bursts out of the ground in front of the rock and it rains down on everyone. Iago is unconscious.)

Akbar: Good birdie gone. (starts to cry)  Akbar overcome with grief!

Iago: I smell... jewels!

Akbar: Birdie alive!

Rasoul: Out of our way!

Iago: Hold it! Uh... it's all their fault! (points at Abis Mal and Haroud)  They, uh, they tried to destroy Agrabah by, uh, by causing a drought! With, uh, a magic... spoon.

Abu: Yeah, yeah!

(The guards and merchants chase after Abis and Haroud.)

Iago: I can't believe they're buyin' this!

Aladdin: Well, it looks like the Golden Bird of Babbaganoosh lead to treasure after all. This water is the greatest treasure Agrabah could ask for.

Akbar: We give jewels to orphans now, yes?

Iago: We give jewels to orphans now,  no! Are you off your rocker? They're mine, mine, mine!

Aladdin: What about your vow of poverty?

Iago: Greed almost got me killed. Then poverty almost got me killed. If I'm gonna get it either way, I might as well be rich!

(Akbar takes the sack of treasure from Iago.)

Iago: Give me back my jewels!

Akbar: Birdie not savior! Birdie  greedy  birdie! Akbar give back present from birdie! (takes out Genie's lamp and throws it at Iago)

Genie: Ah! My lamp! (kisses it)  Don't disturb me. The lamp and I need some... time alone. (flies into the lamp)

Iago:  (to Akbar)  Please, I'll, I'll share 'em with ya. We'll, we'll buy the orphans lunch, and split the rest!

Aladdin: Poor Iago...

Iago: PLEASE?! Please, please, please, please,  please?!

THE END