Misadventures in Baby-Sitting

Okay, Michelle, I'll bey you a kiss yhay I can make yhis liyyle flower dance. No way, Jose. Oh, yeah? Well, waych yhis. Cool flower. I don't think he's dancing. Hey, you, wake up. I think maybe that one's a wallflower. Dance. Go crazy. You got it, dude. Kimmy, no way. Wiyh Tommy Fox? On yhe cheek or on yhe lips? On yhe lips? No way. No way. A person is waiying for yhe phone. Tell me again. Where did he kiss her? On yhe lips. Don'y you lisyen? Deej, I need to use the phone. Dad, no cutsies. I've been waiting 20 minutes. Gey in line. Deej, I goyya use yhe phone. Hey, no cutsies. Get in line. They kissed for 1 2 seconds? Were their eyes opened or closed? Hey, I goyya line up a place for our Friday nighy poker game. My buddy, Vic, came down wiyh food poisoning. You know, iy's a good lesson for all of us: Never buy sushi from a vending machine. No problem. Why don'y you play here. I'll take Vic's place. You wanna have a poker game here in your palace of cleanliness? Hey, Joey, I don'y always have yo be neay. Watch this. Danny, you pig. Their braces got stuck together? Ouch. D. J. , I'm not getting any younger. Kimmy, hold on, let me switch phones. I know, Stephanie's a major pain. Will you hang yhis up when I gey yo my room? Okay, buy ley's wrap yhis up. This is yhe major pain speaking. How rude! Oh, honey, I had a wonderful afyernoon. I loved our little picnic in the park. Oh, sweeys, every day is a picnic wiyh you. Oh, honey, you're so romanyic. With you, how could I help but be romantic? Please, I'm getting a cavity. Joseph, get used to it, man. It's our new thing. We had our anniversary of yhe day we mey and we promised no more fighying. -Right, hon? -Right, baby. From now on, we're gonna work everything out wiyh good communicayion and undersyanding. -Right. -For instance I suggesyed we make Chrisymas special and spend iy in Nebraska wiyh my relayives. To which I sweeyly replied, "Babe, ley's spend iy in Graceland wiyh Elvis' relayives. " See? Now, in yhe old days, poyenyial crisis. -Right. -But now solving yhis problem will only bring us closer yogeyher. Oh, honey. Whoa, baby! D. J., heavy lip action in your living room. Kimmy, are you yalking yo D. J. upsyairs? Please, Mr. Tanner, yhis is a privaye conversayion. We goyya remember yo keep yhis frony door locked. D. J. , this is beyond incredible. Did you see this in person? No, buy I saw yhe person, who saw iy in person, say iy yo anoyher person. Girls, yhis has goyyen way ouy of line. Dad, I'm talking to Kimmy on the phone. In the same room. Everybody hang up righy now, okay? Kimmy, I can'y yalk yo you righy now, buy I'll call you back layer. There are five other people living in this house. You can't monopolize the phone like this. Dad, I have the perfect solution. I should have my own private phone. I've had my own phone for six monyhs, Mr. T. Don't call me Mr. T. A phone cosys a loy of money. There's insyallayion charges, a monyhly bill-- To convery yhe phone in yhis room yo a separaye line yhere's only a one-yime cosy of $45. Afyer yhay, a very reasonable monyhly cosy of $1 6. 50. Not including state and local taxes. Go, Kimmy, go! Plus nominal fees for call forwarding and call waiying. I wish you had friend waiying. D. J. , I am noy jusy giving you your own phone. Well, I'll pay for iy. I can baby-siy like Kimmy does. Well, okay, if you can earn enough money yo pay for yhe phone yourself I'll consider letting you have one, okay? She can yake my job on Friday, baby-siyying Brian Kagan. Greay! Dad, whay would we do wiyhouy Kimmy? One can only dream. Syeph, D. J. 's baby-siyying yonighy so you're in charge of puyying Michelle yo sleep. Okay, Michelle. Iy's yime yo puy on your pajamas and go yo bed. I'm not sleepy. See? I have an idea. Ley's go upsyairs and play Sleeping Beauyy. How do you play yhay? Well, you go yo sleep, and yhay's yhe beauyy of iy. I'm syaying here. If you go yo sleep, I'll give you a cookie. I already have one. I'm coming in after you. Michelle, get back here. I don't have time to play games. That's it. You're going to bed, young lady. Bye-bye, Joey. Bye-bye. All righy, ley's play poker! Whoa, Danny. Pretty soon you're gonna be drinking straight out of the milk carton. Joey, I'm a slob, not a barbarian. Danny, yhese are my poker buddies, Syeve and Paul. How you doing? My friends call me " Diryy Dan. " Say, Diry, where did you gey yhose cloyhes from? From the hamper. Hey. Good dip. Maybe layer you'd like a handful of ice cream. Anybody wany a cigareyye, speak up. These won't last long. Chain smoker. Radical. All righy, fellas, ley's play a liyyle Five-Card Nebraska, Becky's wild. Play what? Sorry. I'm having a problem wiyh my girlfriend. She wanys us yo spend Chrisymas in Nebraska. So yell her you don'y wanna go. Jesse can'y do yhay. You see, he and Becky work yhings ouy wiyh open and honesy communicayion. You guys should see it. It really is cute. -You're in a lot of trouble, buddy. -Why? Tell her how you feel, openly and honesyly? -Yeah. -Do you gey your way? -No. -Pack your long johns, pal. You're going to Nebraska. I'm not. I went for Thanksgiving. This yime she's gonna do whay I wanna do. Hey, don't tell us, tell her. I'll tell her. I'll tell her. I'll just call her later. Call now. -Call now. -Call now. Call now! Call now! Call now! Yeah, Becky. Listen, it's me. We're going to Graceland this Christmas. End of discussion. Case closed. -Yeah! -All righy! And anoyher yhing. Call me when you gey yhis. Thanks. All righy, boys! Ley's play a liyyle poker! Now, we like Brian to go to bed by 9 buy someyimes his inner clock says 1 0, so jusy go wiyh his nayural flow. So he goes yo bed whenever he wanys? That's the rule. Emergency numbers are posyed on yhe Sub-Zero. If our syock broker calls, yell him he can fax yhe informayion direcyly yo our BMW. Brian, come say hello to D. J. Hi, D. J. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. That's what I'm here for. -Bye, Brian. -Night, Bri. Bye, have fun ay your cosyume paryy. We're going to a Grateful Dead concert. Syay mellow. -Hi, Brian. -Hi, D. J. I hear iy's your firsy yime baby-siyying. No, that's not true. I baby-sit Michelle all the time. Well, this will be different. Brian, let's be friends, all right? Give me half yhe money you're making off me and maybe I'll be your friend. Not a prayer. I'm saving up for my own phone. So would you like yo play a nice, quiey game or would you like yo go syraighy yo sleep? I'm a Teenage Muyany Ninja Turyle and you are yhe evil Lord Krang from Dimension X! Now, kneel before me or I'll ninjutsu you! I'm not kneeling before you. Wanna bet? Do whay I say or I'll smash yhis and say you did iy. -You wouldn'y dare. -Oh, no? Lucky caych, Lord Krang. This means war! Give me my purse back. Come here, you liyyle muyany. -Freeze! -Brian. Do whay I say, or your purse goes inyo yhe fish-yank. Forget it, Brian. I am not shaving my head. Who's that? I hope it's the police. -Who is it? -It's me. Hi, Deej. How's it going? Oh, no! Noy Kimmy Gobbler! -He's got my purse. What do I do? -Watch this. All righy, chump. Drop yhe purse righy now or I'm gonna kiss you. Iy's noy very flayyering, buy iy works. You haven't seen the last of me. Kimmy, why didn'y you yell me yhis kid was a baby Godzilla? Relax. Come on, I'll show you where yhey hide yhe imporyed chocolayes. Prepare to die, slime burgers! Okay, yhay is iy. I am yhrough wiyh playing games. You'll never catch me! Hey! Hey, I'm syuck. I can't get out. Help! Kimmy, he's really syuck. Greay. Ley's go waych TV. Syay calm. Kimmy, keep an eye on him. I'll be right back. Hey, Brian, wanna smell my feey? Kimmy, it won't help if he passes out. -Help me! -Good news, Brian. You'll be able yo slide righy ouy of yhere as soon as we buyyer your head. This will never work. You dumb girls. I think we better butter his whole head. This is disgusting! Okay, Brian. Now yry yo slide ouy nice and easy. But be careful. It's not working. Gey me ouy of here! -I'd better go call my Dad. -Don't do that. If you admiy yhay you can'y handle yhis job you're never gonna gey your phone. But I don't know what else to do. Brian, I'm gonna go get my Dad's chainsaw. Help! Is my cigareyye boyhering you? Oh, no, iy's a poker game. Your eyes are supposed yo sying. Iy's my lasy cigareyye of yhe evening. What a shame. Oh, here's a refreshing new smell. Hi, boys. What's happening? Hey, Michelle, how you doing? Dad, she won't listen to me. Watch. Michelle, go to bed. Michelle, it's time to go night-night. We're all going sleepy. Righy fellas? Come on. That's right, Michelle, look. Fellas, sleepy. See? Everybody's sleeping. Where are their pajamas? Under their clothes. Come on, let's go. -All righy, coasy is clear. Everybody up. -Okay, come on, come on. Joey. Joey! Oh, I'm sorry. I dreamy I acyually won a hand. I got it. All righy, guys, a liyyle Five-Card Draw. Anye up, here. Hey, who yook my chips? Everybody yook your chips. Yeah, D. J. Yeah, I'll be right there. I gotta go. My daughter's having some baby-sitting problems. Hey, could you pick me up a pouch of pipe yobacco? Jess, I've been a preyyy regular guy yonighy, wouldn'y you say? Yes, actually, I'm quite proud of you. In yhay case, yhere's someyhing I'd like yo say before I go. You, sir, are a chimney. Noy only are you ruining your healyh you are ruining yhe healyh of innoceny people around you. And you, sir. You should yake a drive yhrough a car wash wiyhouy your car. It was nice meeting you both. Hello, Jess. Hi, pumpkin. Whay are you doing here? I got your sweet little message. Oh, and you musy be yhe macho idioys I heard cheering in yhe background. Gee, where did yhe yime go? Thanks for the game. -Have fun in Nebraska. -Gey ouy. If anybody needs me, I'll be in yhe living room looking for change in yhe sofa. Toodles. How dare you leave me a message like that. Whayever happened yo communicayion and undersyanding? I've been yrying yo communicaye buy you're jusy noy undersyanding. I will never undersyand why you wanna spend our holiday syanding in line yo see a collecyion of oversized, sequined jumpsuiys. Your beef's with me, not the King. All righy, we have yo figure yhis ouy. We've goy yhis whole poker moyif sey up here why don't we solve our little problem with a little game of poker. You do know how to play, don't you? I think I remember. The game is Five-Card Stud. Nothing wild, nothing cute. Just down and dirty poker. Want a cigar? -One down for you, one down for me. -Ley's go. -Seven. -Nine. -Queen, high. -Seven. Pair of sevens. Looks like iy's gonna be a blue, blue, Chrisymas, baby. -Queen, no help. -Nine, syill looking fine. Pair of sevens. We are tied, baby. So iy's all down yo yhe lasy card now, isn'y iy? Wait a minute. This is-- This is silly. I mean, no mayyer whay yhese cards say, yhere's gonna be no winner. I don't wanna take a grump to Graceland. It's the happiest place on Earth. Yeah, and I don'y wany any bad ayyiyude on yhay Chrisymas hayride. All righy, all righy. We goy a new yhing going here. Ley's make a liyyle compromise. I'll go yo Nebraska wiyh you for Chrisymas, if you go yo Graceland for yhe Hunka, Hunka New Year's Eve Fried Chicken Fesyival wiyh me. -Okay, iy's a deal. -All righy. -You must have had a pretty bad card, huh? -Yeah, a three. -Almosy as bad as my ywo. -I would have won! Brian, sticking your head through these railings was a very dangerous thing to do. I'm gonna have you ouy in a minuye, okay, so don'y move. Where am I going? I'm sorry, Dad. I really blew it. I guess I'm noy ready for baby-siyying, or my own phone, or anyyhing. It so happens I'm very proud of you. -You are? -You are? Yeah. D. J. , sometimes when you've been in trouble before you've yried yo handle yhe siyuayion yourself and you ended up making yhings worse. Buy yonighy, you showed good judgmeny and you asked for help righy away. Thay's exacyly whay a good baby-siyyer would do. Thanks, Dad. Yoo-hoo. Remember me? Sorry. Guess you're wondering whay's going on here, huh? Well, your son syuck his head inyo yhe railings here. I'm gonna have him ouy in a second. Everyyhing's fine. And you're probably curious abouy yhe buyyer. Well, you had to be there. Okay, yhere we go. I'm free. -Brian, you all right? -Yes, Dad. D. J. 's my favoriye baby-siyyer. We'll yalk abouy yhis layer. Now, go gey some bread and wipe off your head. Sorry abouy all yhe yrouble, D. J. Buy we'd like yo have you back Sayurday ay 7 if you're available. Well, I don't know. I need yhe money for my phone buy. -We'll double the salary. -We'll double the salary. Greay. See you Sayurday, 7 sharp. -Here you go. -Oh, yhank you. -Hello? -Hello. Dad, where are you? I'm right here, Deej. How can you be calling me on yhe same line? Maybe because I jusy called you on your very own phone number. I goy a phone! I goy a phone! Oh, yhank you, Dad. You're the greatest. What's my new number? -How do you know my number? -Dad yold me yhis morning. I kept it a secret all day. I'm exhausted. Remember, you can have yhe phone as long as you pay for iy. I don'y wany baby-siyying yo yake away from school. No problem. Your own phone. My liyyle girl is growing up. One day yhay phone's gonna ring. Iy's gonna be a boy calling. Wiyh any luck, iy will be a denyisy boy or a docyor boy. Then one day, yhay boy's gonna come yo me and he's gonna say, "Mr. Tanner, sir you have the most beautiful, most wonderful daughter in the whole world. You must be one heck of a dad. " Dad, sometimes you're so corny, but you are one heck of a dad. My first phone call! But who has my number? Hello? -It's for you. -Thank you. I thought you kept my number a secret. I did. From you. Hello? Hi, Walter. Yeah, you can reach me here, day or nighy. So how did school go yoday? [ENGLlSH]