Dueling Eds

''[Jonny looks out from behind a lightpole. Deciding it's safe, he creeps up to a fire hydrant.]'' Jonny: "Hey hydrant, your fly's undone!" [He laughs and runs away.] "Hydrants are slower than molasses, huh Plank?" Eddy: [leaping out from a tree to land in front of him] "Komohatza!" Jonny: "For crying out loud!" Eddy: "Yeea!" [Another Eddy lands behind Jonny.] "Shoy!" [A third lands on his left.] "Shoy!" [A fourth to Jonny's left.] "Wee-ya weeya weeya! Whah whah whah!" [Jonny is in the center of a circle of Eddys.] Jonny: "I think I'm reliving that expired tofu, Plank. Huh?" [He notices the mirrors.] "You gotta be pulling my leg! Special effects?" Eddy: "That's right, grasshopper. Only one of the lessons you'll learn at Master Eddy's School of Kung-fu."

[Ed falls through the wall of the makeshift school.] Ed: "Did I get it?" Edd: "Not by a mile, Ed. Shall we try one more time?" [He holds up a log.] "Remember, Ed. Envision the log, focus, and make contact." ''[Edd holds the log out. Ed concentrates and then brings his head down.]'' Ed: "Hi-ya!" [He splits the log in half.] Edd: "Hallelujah! Mind over matter triumphs! Let's do it again, Ed." Eddy: "We can enroll you today for only a quarter, grasshopper." Jonny: "Now there's a deal! What's that Plank?" Plank: Jonny: [after consulting Plank] "Plank says make like a rocket and take off." Eddy: "I shall honor your decision, oh head of a thousand gallons."

[Edd and Ed are working on it again.] Edd: "Focus, Ed." Ed: "I am one with my shoe size, Double D." Edd: "That's nice, Ed, just hit the dang thing." [Eddy shoves Jonny into Edd's arms.] Ed: "Ha!" Edd: "Jonny?" [He yanks Jonny back.] Ed: "Yah!" [He brings his head down, narrowly missing Jonny and instead going through the floor.] "Hello." [Eddy cackles furiously.] Edd: "Eddy!" Jonny: [leaving] "That was so funny I forgot to laugh." Eddy: "Lemme remind ya, you wood-lovin–" [He hears the sound of Kevin's bike.]

Eddy: [racing to keep up with Kevin] "Hey Kev, ever thought of taking kung-fu lessons? Real cheap!" Kevin: "Get away from me." [He turns into the lane.] Jimmy: [from the other direction] "Hurry Sarah, I think it's started!" Sarah: "What is it?" Nazz: "It's supposed to be important or something." Eddy: "Where're they going? I hate it when they don't tell us about stuff! What could be more important than Master Eddy?" Ed: [excited] "COOKIE DOUGH! Yum yum yum yum yum." Edd: "They say in order to gain knowledge, one must seek it. Shall we, Eddy?" [He walks off, and Eddy follows.]

''[Rolf is standing on a post, dressed in a strange purple costume. The kids ooh and aah in admiration. The Eds arrive and stare at the spectacle. Suddenly, Jonny reaches up and shakes Rolf.]'' Jonny: "Hey, Rolf. Whatcha doin?" Rolf: "Rolf thought no one would ask. Feast your eyes on Rolf's customary dress, sewn together from the membrane of the great sea cucumber! The fittings were excruciating, but that's another story. All for the honor of Rolf's Great Nano!" [pious] "Thank you Great Nano, wherever you may be." [normally] "Let us celebrate, yes? Every year, as part of our guilt-ridden traditions, Rolf's family pays tribute to Rolf's Great Nano and the mighty sea cucumber!" Jonny: "Right on!" Rolf: [giving Jonny a sea cucumber] "Welcome, my friends, don't be shy, and feast from the box of food made from the respected sea creature." Jimmy: "Mercy me." [Eddy laughs.] Rolf: [holding out a platter with three on it] "Try one, Ed-boy. Mama's sea cucumber balls are good for the digestion spout." Eddy: "No foolin?" [He takes one.] Rolf: "Double D Ed-boy?" Edd: "Um…why thank you, Rolf." Rolf: "Eat, eat like a pig." [Once Rolf turns his back, Edd surreptitiously hides the food in his hat.] Eddy: "Hey, Double the Sockhead, you see that knothole in the fence? Bet I can hit it!" [He flings the fishball.] Edd: "Eddy, no!" ''[The food flies towards the fence. Everybody in the yard, especially Rolf, sees it. Rolf's eyes widen as he watches his tradition be figuratively trampled as the sea cucumber heads for the fence. It hits and splatters to the right of the knothole Eddy was aiming for. Eddy then proceeds to add insult to injury.]'' Eddy: "Stupid fishball." [Rolf, broken, runs inside weeping.] Eddy: "Give it a shot, Double D." Edd: "Eddy, show some respect!" Eddy: "What's your problem?" Ed: "It's his hat, Eddy. He always wears it and he talks forever about stuff, not to mention his obsession with cleanliness. Big problem." [Rolf reappears, wearing a veil and dressed in black.] Rolf: "Rolf mourns the loss of his honor." [He lies down beside the house.] "As you leave, please trod on Rolf's face, as Eddy has shamed the son of a shepherd." Sarah: [leaving] "Way to go, Eddy." Jimmy: [stepping on Rolf's face] "I feel your pain, Rolf." Rolf: "Do not weep for–" [Kevin steps on him.] Kevin: "Later dude." Nazz: "Sorry, Rolf." Rolf: "–Rolf." Eddy: "What'd I do?" Ed: "Hurry up guys, before he gets up! Rolf has such good parties." Edd: [dragging Ed back] "No, Ed, we'll leave this way!" [wiping sweat from his brow] "Boy, you're heavy, Ed." Eddy: "Will somebody tell me what I did wrong? What'd I do!" Edd: [moving Ed with a hand truck] "Let's go, Eddy." Eddy: [grumpy] "I didn't do anything."

''[The Eds are in the Retro Van. Eddy is pretending to drive. An air of silence hangs over them.]'' Eddy: [breaking the still air] "WHAT'S ROLF'S PROBLEM?" [He leaves the van.] Ed: [stuck in the window] "Help me guys!" Edd: "Try and understand, Eddy. Rolf's culture is steeped in long-stemmed traditions, and if you were just to apologize–" Eddy: "Apologize? For what? I didn't DO ANYTHING!" Edd: "But you did, Eddy. By simply tossing his sea cucumber ball, you insulted Rolf's–" Eddy: "Oh, boo-hoo, I hurt Rolf's stinky fishball." Edd: "It's not the fishball, Eddy. You hurt Rolf's feelings!" Eddy: "I didn't do anything." Ed: [arriving] "Why don't you bake cupcakes, Eddy?" Edd: [flabbergasted] "Cupcakes?" Eddy: "Monobrow's right. All this talk about food is making me hungry." Edd: "Gahowl–go ahead then, bake your cupcakes. But offer them to Rolf as a token of apology." Eddy: "Nope. No cupcakes." Ed: "Aw." Edd: "Fine! Then if you won't apologize, I will!" [He pulls out a potted flower.] "A healthy potted plant should open the door to diplomacy."

''[Rolf is buried in his garden, a complex system of garden tools rigged above him. In the center is a hoe, perched so that it is ready to fall and slice into Rolf's buried body at any moment.]'' Edd: "Oh my! Rolf, I may be unfamiliar with your customs, but this seems a tad extreme!" Rolf: "Go away! Shaklaham!" Eddy: [to Ed] "I'll give you a quarter if you tell me what's going on." Ed: "Uh..." [after a few seconds] "I haven't got a clue, smartypants!" [He drags Eddy out.] Edd: "Hold it! Stop right there." [Ed puts Eddy down.] Eddy: "I suppose you're gonna tell me it's my fault Rolf's acting like a mole?" Edd: "Give Rolf the plant, Eddy!" Eddy: "Man, you're worse than my mother." [He drops the plant on top of Rolf.] "Here you go Rolf, I'm sorry for hurting your…whatever." ''[Eddy walks off the garden. Rolf feels the petals of the plant and then feels the whole thing. He then arrives back on earth angrily.]'' Ed: "IT LIVES! Hiya, Rolf." [Rolf grabs Eddy.] Eddy: "Hiya, Stretch. Nice plant, huh? Don't forget to water that–" [Rolf drops him.] Rolf: "You mock Rolf yet again? With the Potted Shrub of Ridicule?" Eddy: "The what?" Rolf: [angry] "For the honor of Rolf's Great Nano, I challenge you to a duel!" Edd: "A duel?" Rolf: "Prepare yourself, Ed-boy, as honor will be mine." [He storms away from the Eds.] Eddy: "What'd I do now?"

Kevin: "Hey Rolf, need a hand? Toss me a shovel, dude." Rolf: "This is not allowed, Kevin, as the Pit of the Duel must be dug with the Family Shovels of Perpetual Guilt. I alone must bear the sorrow." ''[Rolf has dug an impossibly large, rectangular pit in the middle of his backyard. He heaves himself out of the hole and goes over to a tree. He then strains against it, pushing it towards the pit. Slowly, the tree begins to shift until, with a mighty crash, it is uprooted, falling straight across the hole.]'' Rolf: "Enough training for Rolf, time to fix what is broken. Bring me the Ed-boy!" [His words echo ominously across the midday sky.]

''[The Eds are once again in the van. Eddy is once again driving.]'' Ed: "Can we stop for ice cream?" Edd: "Ed, please! Eddy's concentrating on the near-at-hand duel." Eddy: "Like I'll show up!" [muttering] "Mister Give-Rolf-a-Plant." Ed: "Look out, Eddy, there's someone on the road!" [Kevin is in front of the van.] Kevin: "Hey Dork, it's time for–" [Eddy blows the horn, and the sonic force of the blast rattles Kevin.] Ed: "Boy, that was close." [Kevin snatches Eddy from the van.]

''[Rolf is prepared and angry. He is rolling a round stone back and forth in his teeth. Kevin arrives.]'' Kevin: [holding up Eddy] "Let the show begin." ''[Rolf spits out the stone. Kevin picks up a chest and offers it to Eddy.]'' Kevin: "Hey, squirt, choose your weapon." [In the chest are various fish.] Eddy: "What? More fish?" Rolf: "CHOOSE!!!" [Eddy, cowed, selects a fish at random.] Ed: "Holy mackerel!" Edd: "Yes, I believe you're right, Ed." Kevin: "This is gonna be so choice!" [He pulls out a camcorder.] Rolf: "Anything to say, Ed-boy?!" [Lightning flashes, thunder crashes, and red clouds roll in over the duel.] Eddy: "Uh, geez, Rolf, lighten up, man." [Shadows envelop the site of the duel.] Edd: "Oh dear. Rolf's customs have a frighteningly high budget." Eddy: [on his knees] "Okay, what? I'm sorry, okay, there?" Rolf: "If this is true, have you brought the Cupcakes of Sorriness?" ''[Eddy, confused, looks at his friends. They shrug back at him in reply to show they are just as confused.]'' Eddy: "No?" ''[Rolf hits him with a fish. The duel begins, Rolf smacking Eddy every which way with his fish, while Eddy just does his best to keep from toppling into the pit. One particularly violent hit has Rolf slamming his fish into Eddy's teeth.]'' Edd: "Has Rolf gone insane?!" Ed: "C'mon, Eddy!" [Eddy gets smacked down again.] Eddy: "Geez, Rolf, aren't you tired yet?" ''[In response, Rolf metes out another devastating blow to Eddy. Kevin smiles, enjoying every moment of the slaughter.]'' Kevin: "Dorky's not even putting up a fight." Eddy: [clinging to the log] "C'mon, Rolf, I said I was–" [Rolf's fish catches the side of his face] "–sorry." [Rolf picks up the dazed Eddy.] Eddy: "Is it over?" Rolf: "In a duel, two contestants must fight. Two, duel. Duel, two. Why do you not fight Rolf?" Eddy: "Oh. Is it my turn?" Rolf: "Hit Rolf!" ''[Eddy swings his fish back to swing at his opponent. Rolf takes advantage of this by slamming his weapon into Eddy's stomach. This proves to be the fatal blow, shoving Eddy off the fallen tree and into the void below.]'' Edd: "Eddy?" ''[Eddy lands with a thud. Rolf holds up his fish in victory, and the clouds abruptly clear.]'' Rolf: "The honor of Rolf's ancestors has been avenged! Thank you." [Rolf walks off the log, and Eddy climbs out of the pit, dazed and stinking of fish.] Kevin: "Want a copy for future dork reference?" [He chuckles.] Ed: [picking up Eddy] "Boy, you stink like fish, Eddy." Edd: "I'm proud of you, Eddy. You've renewed Rolf's esteem in his heritage! How 'bout I bake you those cupcakes!" Rolf: "Too late!" [normally] "Come, join Rolf with the traditional Eels of Forgiveness. Pull out your pants, Ed-boys." Edd: [whispering] "Best do as he says, Eddy, lest we open old wounds. Curse diverse cultures." [The Eds hold the front of their pants out and Rolf pours eels into each.] Rolf: [pouring Ed's] "There you go." [Edd's] "Some for you." [Eddy's] "Enjoy my friends." Eddy: "Gee, you shouldn'tve." Edd: [tickled] "Aah aah aah! oooh." Rolf: "Good, yes? Let me join you." [Rolf pours a bucket of eels into his pants.] "Kevin? Join us in our jubilation." Kevin: "I'll pass, dude." Rolf: [angry] "Son of a gun, you insult Rolf by denying the eels?" Edd: "Ed, are you enjoying this?" Ed: [scratching himself] "I feel weird, guys. I think I'm allergic to eels." ''[Purple lumps pop out all over his skin, and his face turns remarkably fish-like. The rest of his body follows.]'' Eddy: "FISH FACE!" ''[Eddy tries to run away, but is unable to because of his overstuffed trousers. Edd faints on sight.]'' Ed: "Can somebody scratch my scales?"