Dude Ranch

Captain : We're beginning our initial descent into Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Thank you for flying United.

Phil : Reckon we'll be landing soon.

Claire : Phil, honey, you promised... not till we got there.

Phil : This year, we're going to a dude ranch with the whole family.

Claire : Mm-hmm. The family.

Haley : What if Dylan buys his own ticket? We'll be sleeping in separate cabins.

Phil : What if Dylan and I share a horse?

Claire : Mm, I hate landing.

Dylan : We'll get through this.

Gloria : Wow! Oh, my goodness.

Jay : What are you doing?

Gloria : I want my ears to pop.

Manny : Try putting a little Rouge on 'em. Nobody gets me.

Mitchell : Wow. Isn't this beautiful, little cowgirl?

Cameron : You hate her sparkly outfit, don't you?

Mitchell : No, I told you, it's fine. I just didn't like you wearing a matching one.

Mitchell : So we haven't told the family yet, but we've decided to adopt a baby boy.

Cameron : From America this time. You might say we're "buying domestic."

Mitchell : In private... You might say that in private.

Cameron : Our adoption attorney told us it would be a good idea to make a photo book to show prospective moms.

Mitchell : But he thought that Cam's version was a little too "artsy," so we've decided to take a few rugged shots at the ranch to, you know, balance it out.

Cameron : I don't think it need balancing out.

Mitchell : Really?

Cameron : It's called "Production value."

[OPENING CREDITS]

Mitchell : Horse.

Gloria : Look, Jay! So beautiful!

Jay : Your ears haven't popped yet, huh?

Gloria : I'm like the horse whisperer. But something is making this one skittish.

Dylan : Whoa. Look at the mountains.

Haley : They're amazing.

Dylan : I've never been this far from home before now I've never been this far.

Claire : Where's a cliff when you need one?

Jay : Look, kids! A real life cowboy!

Luke : Oh. Come see. Come see.

Claire : Uh-oh.

Luke : What's he doing?

Claire : Oh, my.

Hank : My name is Hank. Here at the Lost Creek Ranch, you're gonna ride, you're gonna rope, and you're gonna shoot. You're gonna see a sky so full of stars, it'll put your city lights to shame. And when it's all done, you might just encounter a piece of yourselves you never knew was there. Are there any questions?

Manny : Uh, do we book spa treatments through you or...

Hank : I like you, kid. I'm gonna call you "Hollywood."

Manny : That wasn't an answer.

Hank : And who's this cactus flower?

Gloria : What?

Jay : That's my wife Gloria.

Hank : Well, she's "Cactus Flower" now, old-timer.

Jay : These, uh, these nicknames... are they set in stone?

Hank : Okey dokey. You ready, gunslinger?

Phil : I heard word of trouble in these parts. Pull! That oughta fix it, eh, Jay?

Jay : You got a piece of it.

Phil : I've been practicing like crazy, all my cowboy skills... shootin', ropin'. pancake eatin'. Why? Because sometimes I feel like Jay doesn't respect me as a man.

Phil : It's just that when you say, "Phil is my son-in-law," it sounds like you're saying, "Phyllis, my son-in-law."

Jay : That's ridiculous.

Phil :Okay, who's your son-in-law?

Jay : Phyllis.

Phil : I'm not asking for a hug. I just want to get that look of newfound respect, like... Or... Or... mm. Yeah.

Phil : Check it out. Two birds, one leg. Pull it! Not bad, eh, Old-timer?

Hank : Uh, see, slappy only had three fingers.

Gloria : What?

Hank : He only had three fingers. Who's next?

Mitchell : Oh, me. Me.

Cameron : Oh, this is good. This is good. Tres macho. No smile. Don't smile. Good.

Hank : You ready?

Mitchell : Wait. Do I say "pull"? Sorry. Sorry.

Jay : Mitchell, why don't you go find Manny at the spa? Wouldn't that be more fun?

Mitchell : Yeah.

Mitchell : I realized that if I was gonna raise a boy, I needed to butch up my life. You know, I wanted to be able to teach my son all the things that my Dad taught Claire.

Luke : Hey, Hollywood.

Manny : I don't love that.

Luke : Wanna see something?

Manny : Oh, my gosh. Is that a firecracker?

Luke : Shh! Now I just need to find the perfect thing to blow up.

Manny : Is that thing even legal?

Luke : Not here. It's from Germany. If they had this during the war, right now we'd all be knee-deep in strudel.

Alex : Watch it!

Jimmy : What you doing, eh? You readin'?

Alex : Trying to.

Jimmy : I'm not so good at it either.

Alex : I'm not surprised.

Jimmy : That was a joke. I'm Jimmy Scrivano. You want to see me do a cannonball?

Alex : I'd rather see you get hit by one, but...

Jimmy : Ha. Good one, gorgeous.

Gloria : Jay! Is this like the lobster?! Do I get to pick one for dinner? Because this one looks very tender.

Hank : Look alive, Old-timer. One of your calves is getting away.

Jay : Hey, something's wrong with my horse. She's veering left. When this happened to my Uncle, it was a stroke.

Hank : Oh, there's nothing wrong with Buttercup. You just gotta let her know who's boss! Beautiful form, Cactus Flower! Beautiful! You look like a dadgum conquistadora!

Jay ; She's deaf, but I can hear ya.

Cameron : Why are you riding that way?

Mitchell : I'm afraid that cow over there might bite me.

Cameron : Oh, yes, he's gonna come up and bite you because your leg looks so desirable with those... are those canvas?

Claire : Okay, Phil, ease that one back over towards me.

Phil : Got it.

Claire : Ease him back this way.

Phil : Hey! Piece of cake, huh, Jay? Huh?

Hank : Ease that one over to Bossy.

Phil : Which one's Bossy?

Hank : That's my nickname for your wife.

Phil : Hilarious.

Haley : Go, Mom! Whoo!

Dylan : Yeah, Mom! You rock!

Claire : Oh, I wish I had a rock.

Phil : Hey. It wouldn't kill you to be nice to Dylan.

Claire : It might. But, honey, I don't know why you always stick up for him. Haley can do so much better.

Phil : Because I know what it's like to fall for a girl whose dad thinks I'm not good enough.

Claire : All right, you're right. I can make more of an effort.

Phil : That's the woman I love.

Hank : We taking a little break over here? Laying some pipe.

Phil : No. Sorry. I was just talking to Bossy.

Hank : Uh-huh.

Claire : Phil!

Phil : I'm sorry.

Gloria : Jay, look! I got this one! I got this one!

Jay : She's veering left again. When we get back, I'm gonna see if she can track a pencil with her eyes.

Alex : Okay, Lily, I'm going to push you one more time. Now don't kick me, okay? Aah! Oh! Lily! I said don't kick me. Okay?

Jimmy : You know it's your own fault that's happening. Why don't you try standing behind her?

Alex : You are an idiot.

Jimmy : Oh, really? I ain't the one getting kicked.

Alex : Why are you following me?

Jimmy : Why are you fighting me here, gorgeous? This works.

Alex : I really, really don't appreciate you calling me "gorgeous." I just want to enjoy time with my family, so if you don't mind... mm!

Jimmy : Not a problem. See you around, sunshine.

Lily : You kissed a boy!

Alex : No, the boy kissed me. Okay, Lily? The boy kissed me.

Dylan : ♪ I rode a horse for the first time today wasn't surprised when it went... neigh ♪

Claire : Okay. Hey, Dylan.

Dylan : Hey, Mrs. Dunphy.

Claire : I was wondering if we could have a little chat.

Dylan : Oh. You want me to go home.

Claire : No, no. It's the... the opposite of that.

Dylan : I want you to go home?

Claire : No, I, um, I want you to know how glad I am that you're here.

Dylan : Really? 'Cause sometimes I just get this vibe you don't like me.

Claire : Oh. Dylan, no. I'm sorry. I-I like you. I-I like you a lot. I just... It's complicated because Haley's my daughter.

Dylan : Whoa. Whoa, whoa. You are totally a hot mom, but I can't do this.

Claire : Oh, my God. Okay, we... there's... no, no. I merely meant that I'm sorry if I made you feel unwelcome.

Dylan : Whew! That would have been awkward.

Claire : So awkward.

Dylan : You know, but for the record, Mrs. Dunphy...

Claire : Yes?

Dylan : If Haley wasn't my girlfriend...

Claire : Yeah.

Dylan : And Mr. Dunphy was out of the picture...

Claire : Mm-hmm.

Dylan : I would be honored to share your bed and raise Luke, Alex, and Haley as my own.

Claire : Okay. Good talk.

Gloria : ♪ She'll be running down the mountain. she'll be running down the Mountain when she comes ♪

Jay : The song ended two minutes ago.

Hank : Well, I'll tell you what. She could play Evita.

Jay : Really? You notice the crickets left? Anyone want more water?

Mitchell : Oh, Dad, I'll take one.

Jay : Heads up.

Claire : Oh, my gosh.

Mitchell : Oh. It was... it was dark. I-I couldn't see it. Thank you.

Manny : So did you set off the firecracker yet?

Luke : When I do, you won't have to ask. First, all the electronics will go out, then comes the heat flash. Afterwards, the living will envy the dead.

Manny : And yet I'm the one on the "No-fly" list.

Cameron : You know what? Maybe next time I'll just catch it and then hand it to you.

Mitchell : Oh, okay. Yeah, let's do that. You... you do everything, and I'll do nothing.

Cameron : Something on your mind?

Mitchell : This isn't the right place to talk about it.

Cameron : Okay.

Mitchell : I-I'm s... I'm not sure if we should have another baby.

Cameron : What? Are you serious?

Mitchell : I think that we might be rushing into this.

Cameron : Rushing into... we've been working...

Dylan : Everybody, it's me, Dylan. I just wanted to thank you all for bringing me on this trip and making me feel like one of the family, uh, especially Bossy. So I can't think of a better time to ask something of the woman that I love. Okay.

Claire : No, no.

Dylan : Haley Gwendolyn Dunphy, will you do me the honors of being my lawfully wedded...

Claire : No. No, no, no, no, no. No proposals. Not now. Not gonna happen. She's a child, so...

Haley : Mom!

Claire : You're still in high school!

Dylan : I meant after she graduates.

Claire : Not then. Not now. Not ever. Seriously, what are you two gonna live off of? The... the... the royalties from the horsey song? Put it back in your pocket.

Haley : Would you stop it?

Claire : No, I won't. I won't.

Dylan : No, it's okay. I guess I'll just turn in. Just so you know, there's a fan in my cabin that sounds like someone crying.

Haley : Dylan, wait! I hate you!

Claire : Oh, come on. Haley, get back here! Phil, anything?

Phil : I think you said it all, Claire. You want me to rope her? I can, you know.

Hank : For what it's worth, my second wife was in high school.

Cameron : Sweetie, here. Here we go. One, two, three. One, two, three. Gone.

Lily : It's gone! It's over there!

Cameron : It's not back there.

Lily : We counted to three.

Cameron : Yes.

Mitchell : Hey.

Cameron : Where have you been?

Mitchell : I-I slept on the couch in the lodge. I know you didn't want to have a big fight last night.

Cameron : Well, I'm ready now.

Mitchell : Cam, I'm sorry. Look, what if I can't do the father-son stuff? The hunting, the... the sports, the Three Stooges? You know what happens in real life when someone gets hit in the head with a ladder? They go to the hospital and they get an MRI. Never see that scene.

Cameron : I think you're overthinking this. You know, I love sports, I love the Stooges. We've got this covered.

Mitchell : No. No, you... you got it covered, but I'm just stuck on the sidelines, pretending to understand the rules, and... You know, my dad was a rough-and-tumble guy, and I just... I could never relate to him. And I don't know. I just don't think I could handle disappointing... two generations.

Cameron : I think you're more masculine than you give yourself credit for.

Mitchell : Who puts a birdhouse next to a porch?

Gloria : Claire, I know that you're worried that Dylan is gonna break Haley's heart, but I see in his eyes that he's gonna stick with her forever. No matter what, he's always going to be with her. On your deathbed...

Claire : Okay. All right. I can't take this anymore. I'm gonna go find her.

Jay : No. You push too hard, you chase her right into his arms, you'll end up with a boob for a son-in-law. Believe me, you don't want that.

Phil : What's that supposed to mean?

Jay : What?

Haley : Hey, have you guys seen Dylan?

Claire : No. No. Why?

Haley : I'm not talking to you. He said he was going out for a walk last night, and no one's seen him since.

Phil : Sweetheart, I'm sure he's fine. Maybe after last night, he just went home.

Manny : Doubt it. He left his luggage.

Haley : We have to do something. If he doesn't eat five times a day, he gets spacey.

Claire : What would that even look like?

Phil : We'll find him. Hank? We got a situation here!

Hank : What seems to be the trouble?

Alex : We need to talk.

Jimmy : What?

Alex : You stole my first kiss.

Jimmy : What are you talkin' about?

Alex : I had it all planned out. It was supposed to be special, someone with a high GPA and a bright future, not a Mario brother.

Jimmy : Fine. You know what? I don't even want your kiss. Here, you can have it back. There. Now we're even.

Alex : Well, keep it. I don't... I don't want it anymore. What am I doing?

Hank : Okay, people. Looks like we have a walker. Right now he is facing treacherous terrain, sudden drops, mountain lions hungry bears, oh, and wolverines. That is, if the hypothermia didn't already get him. Why did we come here again? So our best bet is to split up. You two are gonna take the North hiking trail.

Haley : Can I go with my Dad instead?

Hank : Negative. I need Buffalo Phil and Old-timer... To check the Snake River.

Phil : Buffalo Phil... worth the wait.

Hank : Me and Cactus Flower will ride on up to Destiny Ridge.

Jay : Maybe I should ride up there with her.

Hank : Negatory. That trail is for advanced riders only. We don't need another dead body.

Haley : "Another"?

Hank : Let's go! Move 'em out.

Jay : Phil, help me saddle my horse, will ya?

Phil : Well, look who's suddenly needed by his father-in-law. Phyllis. Phil... is.

Luke : Hey, Uncle Mitch. Whatcha doing?

Mitchell : Oh, hey. Just... just thinkin'.

Luke : You know, I've been meaning to tell you, you're a super fun Uncle. And I'm saying this as a boy.

Mitchell : Uncle Cameron sent you over here, didn't he?

Luke : What? That's hilarious. No, I love how you and me can joke like this.

Mitchell : Okay, Luke, look, I don't know how much Cam told you, but I don't think this is a problem that you can help me with. It's...

Luke : Okay, good. I've got my own problem.

Mitchell : What? What's that?

Luke : Can you keep a secret?

Mitchell : I kept a pretty big one for 22 years, so...

Luke : I've got this new firecracker, and I can't decide what to blow up.

Mitchell : Oh, Luke, that's dangerous.

Luke : I know. That's what's fun about it.

Mitchell : I don't get boys. What is so great about destroying things?

Luke : It turns stuff into flying chunks of stuff.

Mitchell : Okay, no. No, g-give it to me. Come on, give it to me.

Luke : Fine. I take it back. You're not that fun.

Mitchell : All right, hey, look, um, we'll do it together, all right?

Luke : You just made the best decision of your life.

Mitchell : Okay. Come on.

Jay : Damn it! Buttercup! What the hell's wrong with this horse?

Phil : Jay. Wow. I want to talk to you about that son-in-law crack you made at breakfast.

Jay : Oh, I didn't mean anything by that.

Phil : I think you did. I get that I wasn't your first choice to marry Claire, but it's been 18 years, and there hasn't been a day when I wasn't a loyal husband to your daughter and a great dad to your grandkids. So if we've still got a problem, now it's your problem.

Jay : Phil, wait up. Let me ask you something, man to man.

Phil : Okay.

Jay : You notice anything funny about the... Hank character and, uh...

Phil : Gloria? Yeah, He's hitting on her. Why?

Jay : I knew it.

Phil : Where are you going?

Jay : Destiny Ridge. Buttercup, ha! Buttercup, hiya! Seriously?

Mitchell : Okay. Okay, it's clear.

Luke : After this, we're gonna have some angry birds.

Mitchell : Yeah. It's gonna be "Bye bye Birdie." It's a big musical from the '60s. No. Forget it. What you said. Okay. Okay, go.

Luke : That's it?

Mitchell : I'm sorry, buddy.

Luke : I brought that thing all the way from... whoa!

Mitchell : Whoa!

Mitchell : Cam, I did a boy thing! I blew up the birdhouse! You should have seen it. It was so awesome.

Cameron : That's great!

Mitchell : Yeah. I think I can do this. I mean, maybe not everything and maybe not right away, and not the three stooges...

Cameron : No.

Mitchell : I do. I want a son. I'm sorry I panicked.

Cameron : Oh, that's great. Now maybe we can go back to taking pictures for the book.

Mitchell : Yes! Pictures of me blowing up stuff!

Cameron : Okay, I see we've overcorrected.

Claire : I know you think I'm the mean mom who wouldn't let you marry your boyfriend, but someday you're gonna realize, I-I did what had to be done.

Haley : No, you didn't. I was never gonna marry Dylan. I told him no. But it was my proposal to turn down. You know, you keep telling me to act like an adult, but then you don't even give me a chance.

Claire : Oh. You sort of got me there. But, sweetheart, I don't expect you to understand this. I certainly didn't when I was your age. I look at you as my baby, and I always will. It's... it's just what moms do.

Haley : I'm not a baby anymore! Okay? And I am never gonna see Dylan again! Dylan! Dylan!

Dylan : What?!

Haley : Where are you?!

Dylan : Wyoming!

Haley : You're okay!

Dylan : I had the craziest night. When you rejected me, I felt lost and scared. And then I went out on a walk, and I felt a whole different kind of lost and scared. And then I fell asleep in the stable. And when I woke up, I met this woman named Jake who's strong like a man. Then we had this long talk, and he/she hired me.

Haley : Uh, what... what do you mean, she hired you?

Dylan : I work here now.

Haley : S-so you're staying?

Dylan : Yeah.

Haley : What about us?

Dylan : It could never work. We're from two different worlds. You're a high school student, and I'm a ranch hand.

Claire : I'm just... I'm so glad you're okay. I really am. I am.

Dylan : Thanks. But we're not supposed to fraternize with the guests.

Claire : Right.

Gloria : Dylan! Dylan!

Hank : You got a voice like a meadowlark, don't ya?

Gloria : Dylan!

Hank : Yeah, I sure am worried about that kid.

Gloria : Dylan! He ain't down there.

Hank : Oh, come on now. You come up here for the cowboy experience. You're looking at him.

Gloria : Do I look like the kind of woman that would cheat on her husband?

Hank : Yes.

Gloria : Really?

Jay : Hey! I think you better move away from that woman.

Phil : Only we touch our women when they don't want us to.

Hank : Easy. Easy there, friend-o. I wasn't hitting on this filly. This is all part of the package. If I didn't play the bad guy, he wouldn't get to ride up and be the big hero.

Gloria : He doesn't need you to make him a hero. He's a hero every day.

Jay : Why don't you do us all a favor? Get back on your horse, ride down to the lodge and tell 'em.... Can you keep him still? I'm trying to make a point.

Phil : I am.

Hank : Okay. Okay, I'm gone. Ma'am.

Phil : Wait. Wait. There's something I wanna say to you. I will only be checking "somewhat satisfied" on our comment card.

Jay : Jeez.

Phil : I mean, he was great with the kids.

Alex : I looked it up. The distance between our houses is 2,443 miles.

Jimmy : Yeah, but, you know, on some maps, it's like... pfft! This big.

Alex : God, you're stupid.

Phil : All in all, it was a great vacation. We may have lost a man... But out there on the range, under that great big sky, we found a part of ourselves we never knew was there, just like the horny cowboy said we would.

Mitchell : No.

Cameron : Fine.