The Core, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover

[Kratos advances up a flight of stairs, decapitating two Greek soldiers with his chain swords]

Kratos: I, Kratos, the God of War, feed the Blades of Chaos with the blood orbs of your souls!

[Kratos walks into a room to find a naked man and woman sprawled out on a bed]

Athena: Quickly, Kratos, pleasure your lovers and receive a bounty of blood orbs!

Kratos: Er, one of them's a dude!

Athena: What's the problem? You're in Greece.

Kratos: I'm not sleeping with a dude!

Athena: Surely you would at least let him watch if I offered you one thousand blood orbs?

Kratos: The Blades of Chaos are thirsty...I could not turn that down.

Athena: Then let's make it fifteen hundred and he gets to play with your balls! [Kratos sputters]

Kratos: [indignant] Wha-?! What do you think I am?!

Athena: [smugly] We've already established what you are, now we're just negotiating!

Kratos: Oh, I see what you did there, very smug and demeaning!

Athena: I'm just gonna throw this out there; two thousand blood orbs, anything goes! [Kratos gives an exasperated sigh]

Kratos: [pause]...Alright. [Kratos approaches the bed, then stops again] You're not gonna watch, are you?

Athena: Only as long as I need to.

Eh, nah. Sweetie, I'm home. Honey? Sharon, what happened? - Oh, good. You're awake. - Who's there? Don't you know? Oh, no, that's right, you wouldn't know my voice, would you? 'Cause you never even heard me scream. Now you remember me? Not so fast! Look, I don't know what you want. What I want? I want my life back, you son of a bitch! Now sit down. Have a bite. I'm not- I'm not hungry. And I'm not asking. This is what you wanted, right? Uh-huh. A nice piece of fish? I guess I wasn't big enough for you, was I? So you just take and you take and you take I died that day! But th-th-that was just this morning. Take a fucking bite. Mmm. Good, huh? Sharon! At least the sharks make it quick. You can't blame 'em 'cause you feel no pain. But you- you don't even have the stones to finish what you started. That's where you're wrong. Ow! Fuck!

(Open in on Brian Austin Green inside his pipe store; a customer walks in)

Green: Hello, welcome to my pipe store, sir.

Customer 1: Hey, you're the white rap kid from 90210. You're Brian Austin Green, right?

Green: Well, I used to be an actor, but now, I'm following my true love...(suddenly appears beside the customer) Pipes!

(Green sticks a pipe into the customer's mouth; both look up at a sign above them reading "B.A.G. Pipes")

Customer 1: Oh yeah, now that sign makes a lot more sense.

Green: Now, can I help you find a pipe?

Customer 1: Hey, didn't you used to date Megan Fox?

Green: That was a long time ago.

Customer 1: What happened?

Green: I told you, man. Pipes are my one true love.

(Cue to outside the store; the camera pans right to a store next door called Fox's Boxes; cut to the inside, where we see that the store is run by Megan Fox; a customer enters)

Customer 2: I need a box to ship some antiques.

Fox: I'm sure I can help you with that.

Customer 2: Hey, uh, you're Megan Fox, the actress.

Fox: Former actress. Boxes are my life now.

Customer 2: Didn't you used to date that Austin Greenbriar, or whoever.

Fox: Brian Austin Green, yeah. But these days, boxes are my one true love.

(Green enters the store)

Green: Excuse me, miss, you have any boxes that would fit...

(Green sees Fox and pauses in shock; romantic music starts to play)

Green: ...My...heart?

(Fox is surprised as well upon seeing Green; the music suddenly stops when the customer interrupts)

Customer 2: Well, I know when I'm a third wheel.

(Customer leaves the store; the music restarts)

Fox: You mean, all this time, you were running B.A.G. Pipes next door?

Green: You were the owner of Fox's Boxes?

Fox: I guess that...some things are just meant to be.

(Green and Fox start making out on top her counter, and they roll and fall onto the the floor still kissing; cut to the set of "Masterpiece Theatre", where Alistair Cooke is sitting in his study speaking to the viewer)

Cooke: And together, they formed the most successful pipe shipping company in the United States. Yeah, well, that ends the 46th and final season of Masterpiece Theatre. Toward the end, I became very confused about what this show was trying to accomplish and, quite honestly, PBS viewers grew outraged their pledge money was funding it. I'm not sure what I'll do with my career in the months and years to come, but, I can guarentee you I won't be bookending tales about Brian Austin Green running a fucking pipe store. Ooohh, did I go off script!? Did I ruin to precious take, you insufferable prick!?

(Cooke angrilly walks off the "Masterpiece" set and onto the the soundstage where the crew is hanging out)

Cooke: Brian Austin Green can swing from my balls! Get a good grip, Brian! You're destroyed Masterpiece Theatre! YOU FUCKING DESTROYED IT!!!

(Cut to a PBS pledge drive, where a bunch of characters are taking phone calls in the background; the host is disturbed by what had just transpired)

Host: So, uuhhh...We still got a lot of those tote bags left.

(Cut to static)

You killed me, Billy! One day, my son, all this will belong to you! What's this? It must be a sign from the gods! They are showing us favor! Ooh- that's a little warm. Father! Why? Why? Wh-y-y-y?!

 (Mickey and Donald are in an ice cream bar) 

Donald: Hey, check it out, baby! You've got an admirer!

 (Cut to Minnie) 

Mickey: Oh, wow. That's great.

 (Cut back to Mickey and Donald) 

Donald: What are you doing? Get over there and talk to her!

Mickey: Haven't you noticed she looks exactly like me, but in drag?

Donald: So?

Mickey: What am I, a fucking narcissist? I need to look at myself while I'm busting a- Oh, God, she's coming over.

 (Mickey eats his ice cream then leaves, the camera follows him until we see Daisy admiring Donald) 

Donald: Oh, my goodness!, I'm a hideous woman!

 (Looks around, then turns to Daisy) 

Donald: Want to get out of here?

Well, I guess the Daily Planet's a fucking iPad app now. I'm out on my ass 'cause I never learned Photoshop. Clark, you idiot! I couldn't figure out layers, Lois. Sue me! No! You were supposed to remind me to Tivo "Top Chef. " Oh, I guess I didn't hear you. But you can hear a boy scout getting bad-touched 600 miles away? You know what? Do that thing where you fly around the Earth really fast and go back in time! Okay, I'm not gonna travel through time for "Top Chef. " Do you want a divorce, Clark?! You know, I love this show, but I hate to cook, which is so weird, right? - There you are. - Clark? Look, if I don't remind you to Tivo "Top Chef," you're going to forget- You really think I'm stupid, don't you? No, no, I- Can I get a moment please? Look, sweetie, you sent me back in time to remind you- Well, you embarrassed me. Go back and do it right! I really shouldn't- Oh, right, so you'll go back in time for future Lois but you won't do it for me? I will do it for you. Up and away. Lois, wait! Where are your girlfriends? Are you checking up on me? You're smothering me, Clark! No, no, sweetheart, look, you forgot to Tivo "Top Chef," so I went back in time as a- Oh, well, you'll go back in time for some stupid TV show but not for me? But that's not even- Give me a second. Hey! - You're me! - That's right, from the future. Look, I know you're gonna tell Lois about "Top Chef. " But she's gonna take it the wrong way and have a shit fit? I- I already knew what was going to happen, didn't I? I'm in a dysfunctional relationship. I just needed to talk it out with someone I trusted. Sweet Mary and Joseph! I am an attractive man. So, you thinking what I'm thinking? Oh, God! Somebody help me! Ugh- like nails on a chalkboard. I was just thinking that. Jinx! - Buy me a coke! - You buy me one! Jinx! Ba-da-bap, ba-da-bap, Superman! Play the pipe cones. Well, that's a lot better than our song, Steve. They're playing a crunchy tune! We're getting embarrassed out here! They've got a backbeat! Bring in the snare! Repeat- bring in the fucking snare! Sing me a hook! - Um, uh- - That's an order! Lookin' at a UFO- You're a motherfucking embarrassment! I work at the army, and I'm here to say I love Uncle Sam in a major way Comin' from the stars above With some spaced-out alien love Open wide, here comes our nuts Yeah, motherfuckers! Devil's Tower remix! I'm going in! Break beat! I need back up! Beggin' please for me to decrease my pace Before I blast and lace your face with my superior bass You've got no luck So sorry, Chuck tell your whole world to brace, 'cause me and my intergalactic b-boys are gonna nut on your whole race! What do you want? Well, not your music, that's for sure. Look, we all saw what just happened. You don't have to be a dick about it. (Sam's ghost is about to kiss Molly when a Pac-Man ghost appears and eats him, scoring 200 points in the process, then cut to a game screen reading "Patrick Swayze 1952-2009")