The Pink Candidate

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HI, I'M ANSON "STOP CALLING ME POTSIE" WILLIAMS, AND THIS IS CIRCUS OF THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE HOPEFUL STARS. TONIGHT, THRILLS AND CHILLS WITH JACK KEMP AND BOB DOLE.

BOB DOLE SAYS-- YAAH!

BAH, SHAMELESS ELECTION YEAR SELF-PROMOTION. CIRCUS INDEED. IT'S WEARYING. IT'S UNPLEASANT.

IT'S SO TRUE. BILL KEANE'S THE FAMILY CIRCUS JUST ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE.

THE FAMILY CIRCUS WAS NEVER FUNNY, PINKY.

OH, NO, BRAIN. DON'T YOU REMEMBER THE TIME LITTLE JEFFY GAZED OUT AT THE SUNSET AND SAID, "LOOK, MOMMY, THE SUN IS TAKING A NAP, TOO." HA HA HA HA HA. AH HA. NO, THE MAGIC IS GONE.

WHY DON'T YOU WRITE A LETTER TO THE EDITOR? I'M SURE HE'LL BE HAPPY TO HEAR ABOUT LITTLE JEFFY'S TRIUMPHANT INSIGHTS.

GOOD THINKING, BRAIN. NARF! LET'S SEE, HOW CAN I SAY THE FAMILY CIRCUS IS NOT FUNNY?

"THE FAMILY CIRCUS IS NOT FUNNY. LOVE, PINKY."

HERE WE GO. EVERY ELECTION YEAR, IT'S FAMILY VALUES.

WELL, HE'S RIGHT, HUGGA HUGGA! IT'S NOT FUNNY. THE FAMILY ISN'T A CIRCUS. IT'S A HUGE RESPONSIBILITY. THIS PINKY FELLA'S GOT MOXIE, HUGGA HUGGA. RUN THIS ON PAGE ONE.

WHAT ABOUT MY PIECE ON WORLD HUNGER?

NAH. ALL THAT FAMINE STUFF SOUNDED TOO MADE UP.

THIS PINKY FELLA REALLY SPEAKS TO ME. WHY, I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'D BE WITHOUT MY FAMILY.

YES. I MUST BE THE LUCKIEST WOMAN ON EARTH.

THAT PINKY'S SOMETHIN'. MAKES ME WISH I HADN'T RUN OUT ON MY WIFE AND KIDS.

[BURPS] YEAH. WANNA GET SOME BREAKFAST?

SURE. 2 MORE.

THE NAME THAT RESIDES ON THE TIP OF EVERY AMERICAN'S TONGUE IS PINKY. THE FAMILY HAS NEVER HAD A STRONGER ADVOCATE.

SURE, PINKY'S A VISIONARY, BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT THE REAL ISSUES, LIKE WHY I CAN'T GET RID OF THIS INFERNAL BURNING AND ITCHING.

PINKY, IT'S INCREDIBLE. AMERICA HAS EMBRACED YOU. YOUR INANE RAMBLINGS HAVE LANDED YOU IN A POSITION OF TOTALLY UNWARRANTED FAME. PINKY, ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING?

WELL, I THINK SO, BRAIN, BUT DO I REALLY NEED TWO TONGUES?

NO, PINKY. YOU, HEAVEN HELP US, ARE GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

[HAIL TO THE CHIEF PLAYS]

CONGRATULATIONS ON THE ELECTION, MR. PRESIDENT.

[CROWD CHEERS]

HERE IS THE HAT.

NAAAAAARF!

PINKY, IT'S ALL COMING TOGETHER LIKE 2 AMTRAK TRAINS. BEHIND THE SMOKE SCREEN OF YOUR PRESIDENCY, I, AS YOUR CHIEF OF STAFF, WILL IMPLEMENT WORLD DOMINATION PLAN 433-B. FIRST, HOWEVER, WE MUST CHOOSE A POLITICAL PARTY.

HERE'S A PRETTY-SOUNDING ONE. THE GREEN PARTY. THEIR SLOGAN IS, "WE DON'T STAND A CHANCE."

HMM. "AMERICANS FOR A BIGGER AMERICA." NO. "CITIZENS FOR MORE HATRED." NO. THE "FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO PARTY." NO.

[RING]

K-R-U-D IS MY MILLION DOLLAR STATION.

MR. PINKY, THIS IS BOB CARLTON. WE THINK YOU WOULD BE THE PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR OUR PARTY.

HEY, WHAT Y'ALL UP TO?

[WHISPERING] Uh, gotta go.

THERE ISN'T ONE SINGLE POLITICAL PARTY OUT THERE THAT DOESN'T NAUSEATE ME WITH ITS SELF-SERVING AGENDA AND OVERBLOWN HUBRIS.

THEN, YOU PROBABLY WON'T BE INTERESTED IN THIS ONE.

JUST CHOOSE ONE, PINKY.

OOH, I LIKE THE SOUND OF THIS ONE.

Man: WE SURE ARE GLAD YOU CHOSE THE P.I.N.K. PARTY.

"NO LONGER UNDER FEDERAL INVESTIGATION." OOH, CATCHY CAMPAIGN SLOGAN.

NOT TO BRAG, BUT LAST ELECTION, WE RAN A DARN RESPECTABLE CAMPAIGN, CONSIDERING WE'RE A PARTY OF 2 PEOPLE.

HOW MANY VOTES DID YOU GET?

ONE.

NOW, AS MR. PINKY'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER, THERE ARE A FEW THINGS WE REQUIRE: A PRIVATE PLANE, A STATE-OF-THE-ART WAR ROOM, AND 5-STAR HOTEL ACCOMMODATIONS.

WE GOT A BUS.

YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A DEAL.

I MUST BEGIN TO PLAN OUR STRATEGY. ASSEMBLE THE STAFF.

Man: AHEM.

THAT'D BE SWEATY PETE.

SWEATY PETE?

Sweaty Pete: UH, YEAH, YEAH, I'M YOUR MAN. UH, I WAS CAMPAIGN STRATEGIST FOR NIXON IN 1960. UH, BEFORE THE KENNEDY DEBATE, I ADVISED NIXON TO ACT REAL EDGY AND SWEAT A LOT TO GET THE NERVOUS MAN'S VOTE. I BOUNCED AROUND FOR THE NEXT FEW YEARS. THE BAY OF PIGS? THAT WAS MINE. THEN I DID P.R. FOR BILLY CARTER. TOLD DUKAKIS, "YOU LOOK REAL HANDSOME RIDIN' IN THAT TANK." WHEN I WAS WITH STOCKDALE-

YOU CAN DRIVE THE BUS.

OK.

Bernard S:  WITH ONLY 2 WEEKS UNTIL THE ELECTION, THE MAVERICK SOCIAL PHILOSOPHER-CUM-POLITICIAN, ULYSSES DELANO FITZGERALD MILLHOUSE PINKY, KNOWN TO HIS FRIENDS AS "LADYBIRD," HAS ANNOUNCED HIS CANDIDACY FOR PRESIDENT.

[CHEERING]

Bernard S: CURRENTLY, THE POLLS SHOW CLINTON IN THE LEAD, FOLLOWED BY MR. PINKY, PAT PAULSEN, THE TRIX RABBIT, AND SENATOR BOB DOLE. AS THE POPULAR CANDIDATE SPREADS HIS FAMILY VALUES PLATFORM THROUGHOUT AMERICA, SOURCES REPORT HE IS CONSTANTLY IMMERSED IN HIGH-LEVEL DISCUSSIONS WITH HIS CAMPAIGN STRATEGISTS.

98 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, 36 BOTTLES OF BEER TAKE ON DOWN, PASS IT AROUND--

PINKY.

SORRY, BRAIN. GO AHEAD THEN.

THE CONSTITUTION-- THE FIRST AMENDMENT GUARANTEES FREEDOM OF SPEECH, THE PRECIOUS RIGHT OF CITIZENS TO SAY WHAT THEY CHOOSE WITHOUT REPERCUSSIONS.

EVEN STUPID THINGS?

LUCKY FOR YOU, YES. THIS IS IT, PINKY, YOUR FIRST FACE-TO-FACE WITH THE PUBLIC.

WANNA KNOW WHAT I'D DO?

WHAT'S THAT, PETE?

TWO WORDS: NO PANTS.

YES. WE MUST WIN THE ALL-IMPORTANT TROUSERLESS VOTE. NOW, PINKY, I MUST WARN YOU: THE AMERICAN VOTER WILL ASK GRUELING QUESTIONS, SOME OF WHICH WILL HAVE NO CLEAR-CUT ANSWER. TO HELP YOU THROUGH THIS ORDEAL, I HAVE COME UP WITH A LITTLE SOMETHING I LIKE TO CALL PROMPT-O-SPECS. I WILL TYPE OUT THE WELL REASONED RESPONSE ON THIS KEYBOARD, AND THE WORDS SHALL APPEAR BEFORE YOUR EYES.

OOH, THEY GIVE ME THAT SAUCY LIBRARIAN LOOK, YOU KNOW, ALL BOOKISH, THEN TAKE OFF THE GLASSES, LET DOWN THE HAIR, AND GRRROWL! HA HA HA.

PINKY, DON'T ACT LIKE AN IDIOT TILL AFTER YOU'RE ELECTED.

[MURMURING]

MR. CANDIDATE, WHATCHA GONNA DO ABOUT FARM SUBSIDIES?

"IF WE MANIPULATE CLIMATIC VARIABLES WITH NEUTRINOS "TO PRODUCE AGRICULTURAL EQUILIBRIUM, YOU MIGHT JUST BE A REDNECK."

YAY! YAY! YAY!

"IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, I SHALL SEE THAT MORE FACTORIES LIKE THESE ARE BUILT."

YAY! YAY! YAY!

NOTE TO SELF-- EXAMINE SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS MORE CLOSELY.

"NANOOK SAUGATUCK WAMPANOAG NARRAGANSETT MUK-LUK ALEUK."

YAY! YAY! YAY! WHOO-HOO!

YES, PINKY! YOU'RE IN A TIE FOR THE LEAD IN THE POLLS. YOUR PUBLIC APPROVAL IS AT AN ALL-TIME HIGH, AND YOUR TV Q-RATING IS SLIGHTLY HIGHER THAN NICK FRENO.

AND DON'T FORGET, BRAIN. TIGER BEET SAYS WE'RE TOPS WITH TEENS.

WANNA KNOW WHAT I'D DO? A CRUISE IN THE FLORIDA KEYS WITH A BOATLOAD OF BIMBOS.

OHH, CAN I, BRAIN? CAN I?

NO, PINKY. WE ARE NOW AT THE PRECIPICE. THE PINKY JUGGERNAUT CANNOT BE STOPPED!

THE PINKY JUGGERNAUT MUST BE STOPPED!

WE'VE TRIED EVERYTHING TO DIG UP DIRT ON HIM. HE'S GOT NO BACKGROUND. HE'S THE TEFLON CANDIDATE.

UM, I GOT IT. OK, LET'S MIX UP HIS RECYCLABLES SO THE RECYCLING GUY YELLS AT HIM AND BUMS HIM OUT.

YAY! YAY! YAY!

[FINGERNAILS SCRAPING]

YOU PEOPLE ARE AMATEURS. I'LL GET YOU THE DIRT YOU NEED TO BRING PINKY DOWN, BUT IT AIN'T GONNA BE PRETTY.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA LOOK AROUND, UNDER, AND, UH-

YOU HAVE NO IDEA, DO YOU?

NO.

MISTER, YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A DEAL.

HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH.

COME ON, IT'S FUN.

HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH.

Brain: THIS IS IT, PINKY, THE MOST CRITICAL MOMENT OF EVERY PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

EMBRACING JESSE JACKSON, UM, TO A POINT?

NO, PINKY. THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE- AN ELECTION CAN BE WON OR LOST BASED ON THE OUTCOME.

WANNA KNOW WHAT I'D DO?

NO. JUST REMEMBER ONE THING, PINKY. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS READ THE GLASSES.

MR. PINKY, WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO ABOUT THE HEALTH CARE CRISIS?

HEALTH CARE. HEALTH CARE. YES!

"I PROPOSE BUILDING "A HYPNO-HOLISTIC HOMEOPATHIZER, "CAPABLE OF HERBAL PSYCHOSOMATISMS THAT REVERSE SYNAPTIC IMPULSES OF PAIN." NARF!

YES, ABOUT THIS CONCEPT OF "NARF" YOU'VE REFERRED TO REPEATEDLY DURING YOUR CAMPAIGN. IS THIS ANYTHING LIKE NAFTA?

"NARF STANDS FOR NORTH AMERICAN RATIFIED FFFFFFFFFF."

NAAAH! THE "F" KEY. "F," "F," "F." IT'S JUST BROKEN.

"FFFFFFFF."

[BUZZ]

TIME, MR. PINKY. SENATOR DOLE, A REBUTTAL.

AS ANYONE KNOWS, BOB DOLE ORIGINALLY PROPOSED THE NORTH AMERICAN RATIFIED FFFFFF. THAT'S BOB DOLE'S BABY.

SENATOR, YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES LEFT.

FFFFFFFF.

THE TRANSPONDER.

CANDIDATE PINKY, HOW DO YOU PLAN TO PAY OFF THE FEDERAL DEFICIT?

UH, UM, UH...

MR. CANDIDATE, THE DEFICIT?

I, UH "DO YOU WISH TO WITHDRAW CASH? "SORRY, INSUFFICIENT FUNDS. "POR FAVOR, RETIRE LA TARJETA."

BUT HOW WILL YOU DEAL WITH THE BUDGET CRISIS?

Pinky: "CHARGE!"

AHH, THE DREAM IS OVER.

WHAT DO YOU SEE AS THE SOLUTION TO CRIME?

"CHOOSE ALTERNATE ROUTE."

WHAT ABOUT WORLD HUNGER?

LARGE FRIES, 95 CENTS.

YAY! YAY! YAY!

YES!

[STAMMERING] UH, I CAN SUPESUPER SIZESIZE THAT FOR 35 CENTS MORE.

MR. PINKY, WHO ARE YOU GOING TO VOTE FOR?

UM, I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET. HA HA HA HA HA.

PINKY, WE HAVE ARRIVED. WE STAND AT THE THRESHOLD OF A NEW BEGINNING. WORLD DOMINATION IS FINALLY WITHIN OUR GRASP.

AND THEY MADE ALL THE CHANGES I ASKED FOR-- A WATER BOTTLE AND AN EXERCISE WHEEL.

AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O.

NOW THEN, UH, "CONGRATULATE SUPER BOWL WINNERS." CALL ASTRONAUTS ON SHUTTLE." WAIT FOR CABLE GUY. BALANCE BUDGET." AHH. WELL, I BEST GET STARTED.

[DIALS AND RINGS]

Astronaut: Y'ELLO.

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR FABULOUS SUPER BOWL VICTORY. SPLENDID MATCH. TOP-NOTCH.

DARN THOSE JERKY BOYS.

CHIEF OF STAFF BRAIN TO SEE YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.

OH, GOODY! ZORT!

PINKY, THE TIME HAS COME TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

OH, RIGHT. I'D KIND OF FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT.

WITH OUR NEW ACCESS TO MILITARY SATELLITE UPLINKS, WE WILL JAM THE FREQUENCIES OF EVERY RADIO STATION WITH NOTHING BUT KENNY G., YANNI, AND THE SOULFUL SPASMS OF JOHN TESH.

HA HA. I'M AFRAID, BRAIN.

EXPOSURE TO THESE FLACCID TONALITIES WILL SOFTEN THE CEREBRAL TISSUE, RENDERING THE ENTIRE POPULATION OUR PERSONAL SLAVES!

UH, UM, BUT, BRAIN, WOULDN'T TAKING OVER ALL THE RADIO STATIONS BE, UM YOU KNOW, A VIOLATION OF THE FIRST AMENDMENT FREEDOM OF SPEECH?

WELL, I SUPPOSE TECHNICALLY, BUT--

AND I THINK THAT TURNING EVERYONE INTO YOUR SLAVE GOES AGAINST THAT 13TH AMENDMENT THINGY.

YES, BUT--BUT--

AND I'M PRETTY SURE YOU NEED CONGRESSIONAL APPROVAL TO USE MILITARY EQUIPMENT FOR PERSONAL--

PINKY, JUST FORGET THAT FOR NOW.

BUT, BRAIN, IT'S-- IT'S EVERYTHING YOU'VE TAUGHT ME TO REMEMBER, REMEMBER? WHEN IN THE COURSE OF HUMAN EVENTS IT BECOMES NECESSAR--

GRRR. UNH. PINKY, I FULLY INTEND TO REINSTITUTE ALL THE PRINCIPLES OF DEMOCRACY WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT.

WHEN'S THAT?

WHEN I AM THE INVINCIBLE AND UNCONTESTED RULER OF THE WORLD. NOW, ARE YOU WITH ME OR NOT?

NO, BRAIN. I-I CAN'T. IT GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING I'VE COME TO STAND FOR.

AAHHHHA! FINE. I SHALL DO IT MYSELF.

THE WORLD WON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HIT IT. NOW, TO REPROGRAM THE SATELLITE UPLINK TRANSPONDERS, ALL I NEED IS PLAN 433-B IN MY TRUSTY-- WAIT A SECOND. WHERE'S MY BOOK? WHERE IS IT?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU THE SINGLE MOST EMBARRASSING PIECE OF EVIDENCE EVER TO FELL AN ADMINISTRATION.

THE NEW VICTORIA'S SECRET CATALOG?

[ALL GASP]

NOW, I'LL JUST COLLECT MY BLOOD MONEY AND BE ON MY WAY.

MONEY? YOU DIDN'T ASK FOR ANY MONEY.

I--SHOOT.

WAIT, STRANGER. BEFORE YOU GO, ONE THING-- WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY? JUST A FRIEND.

[ALL GASP]

[GASPS] BILL KEANE!

Bernard S: THE PINKY ADMINISTRATION TODAY REELED FROM ACCUSATIONS THAT CHIEF OF STAFF BRAIN HAS BEEN PLOTTING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

J.C.: MR. PRESIDENT, YOU MUST DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM MR. BRAIN. DISAVOW ANY KNOWLEDGE OF HIS PLANS.

BUT BRAIN'S MY FRIEND.

YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO HAVE FRIENDS. DON'T WORRY, MR.PRESIDENT, WE WILL STAND BESIDE YOU.

I WANT YOU ALL TO PRAY WITH ME.

UH, NO. I GOTTA GET HOME.

NEED TO CLEAN OUT THE DOG.

[MURMURING]

SIR, ISN'T IT TRUE YOU ONCE BUILT A GIANT CLOTHES DRYER DESIGNED TO CREATE A WORLDWIDE CASE OF STATIC CLING?

PREPOSTEROUS. WORLDWIDE. THAT WAS SOLELY FOR MY OWN PERSONAL LAUNDRY. I--I HAVE, UH, MANY, MANY SOCKS.

IS IT NOT A FACT THAT YOU ONCE SCHEMED TO BUY ALL THE REAL ESTATE ABOVE THE 24th FLOOR, THEN FLOOD THE WORLD, LEAVING YOU AS SOLE OWNER OF ALL VIABLE APARTMENT SPACE?

PLEASE, YOU INSULT ME. IT WAS THE 39th FLOOR, AND IT-- I MEAN, NO.

ABE, I'VE GOT A PROBLEM. NARF! IT'S LIKE THIS YOU SEE, I LOVE BEING PRESIDENT, REALLY. I MEAN, YOU GET TO DO ALL SORTS OF LOVELY THINGS, LIKE STOPPING WARS AND SEEING MOVIES FOR FREE. BUT, YOU SEE, I'M ONLY PRESIDENT ON ACCOUNT OF BRAIN, AND NOW I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE WHOLE TAKING OVER THE WORLD THING, WHICH MEANS BRAIN WOULDN'T BE MY FRIEND, BUT IF I SAY I DO KNOW ABOUT IT, THEN THEY WON'T LET ME BE PRESIDENT ANYMORE. WHAT SHOULD I DO, ABE? ABE? OH, IT'S STONE. [SIGHS]

WANNA KNOW WHAT I'D DO?

GIVEN THE PREPONDERANCE OF CONDEMNING EVIDENCE AGAINST CHIEF OF STAFF BRAIN, THIS COMMITTEE FINDS HIM GUILTY OF SEDITION, ABUSE OF POWER, AND SHOPLIFTING. THE PUBLIC STONING WILL BE TOMORROW.

BUT THE CONGRESS DOESN'T HAVE THE POWER TO DO THAT.

ALL IN FAVOR OF GIVING CONGRESS THE POWER TO STONE, SAY AYE.

AYE.

[MURMURING]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

ORDER! ORDER!

IS THIS THING ON? OK. HELLO. POIT! UM, I'M HERE TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT ABOUT CHIEF OF STAFF BRAIN. AS PRESIDENT, I TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY FOR EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON IN MY ADMINISTRATION.

NO, PINKY, DON'T.

PLEASE, BRAIN, LET ME HANDLE THIS. IT WAS ALL MY IDEA. ME, ME, ME! FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, LET HIM GO! TAKE ME. I'M SPARTACUS!

HE'S SPARTACUS?

IN ALL MY YEARS, I HAVE NEVER WITNESSED SUCH COURAGE. THIS KIND OF BRAVERY SHOULD BE REWARDED, BUT NOT TODAY. ALL IN FAVOR OF IMPEACHMENT, SAY AYE.

AYE.

PINKY, I--I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. YOU SAVED ME FROM THE IGNOMINIOUS FATE OF LIVING OUT THE REST OF MY DAYS BEHIND BARS.

RIGHT. WELL, BACK TO THE CAGE THEN.

THANK YOU, MY FRIEND. AND ALSO, THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME OF THE PRINCIPLES ON WHICH THIS GREAT NATION WAS FOUNDED-- PRINCIPLES OF FREEDOM, PRINCIPLES OF LIBERTY-- PRINCIPLES I WILL ADHERE TO AFTER TOMORROW NIGHT.

WHY, BRAIN? WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO TOMORROW NIGHT?

THE SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY-- TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

THEY'RE DINKY THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN!