Cheer Up Candace

(Scene opens up in the backyard at the Flynn-Fletcher house)

Isabella: Okay, the camera's all ready!

Phineas: We're almost finished with our exact replica of the Temple of Angkor Wat, constructed entirely out of playing cards. Hey, where's Candace? I bet she'd love to see this.

(Scene shifts to Candace's room)

Candace: "Does He Think You're Pretty Enough? Ten Ways You Could Be.. Better." Wow. Ten ways? Thank you Quazmo Magazine. (cell phone rings) Jeremy!

Jeremy: Hey, Candace. Umm, so listen. I'm really sorry, but something's come up and I won't be able to make it to our date tonight. I hope you understand. Hello? ...Candace, are you there? ...Hello?...Helloo? Well, I guess we got cut off.

Candace: He just broke our date and hung up on me. Oh, it's probably not as bad as I think. Let's see what Quazmo has to say about it. (Starts blubbering)

Phineas: Last card. You do the honors, Ferb.

(Here's where Candace goes berserk.)

Candace: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

(Birds fly, dogs bark, seals jump into water, monkeys make noise. Tarzan look alike yells. Monkeys stare at him)

Tarzan look alike: What?

(Cards fall down)

Phineas: Umm, hey, Candace. Everything okay?

Candace: Beat it, dweebs! I'm having a crisis!

Phineas: Sounds like Candace is in a serious funk. I wonder what we can do to snap her out of it?

Isabella: Ooh, I know! It's all right here in Tween Bleep magazine. "Three Sure-Fire Ways to Lift Your Friend Out of a Serious Funk. Number one: Give her a complete make-over. A completely different look will often do the trick."

Phineas: A completely different look? Come on, Ferb. We need somebody who's good with make-up and fancy hair-dos.

Isabella: Umm, okay. I'll just stay here with my "Expert Makeover" patches and... Hey, where's Perry?

(Perry robot walks over to a dog house, opens a false door, and walks into his lair. Two large animals with fedoras stand behind him.)

Major Monogram: Agent P, uuh, well, due to your...reprehensible behavior over the past few days, (screen changes to Perry robot kicking over a trash can) which I can barely believe is even possible (changes to fake Perry stealing cash out of a truck) from an agent of your caliber, (changes to fake him throwing money out the window of a car, then to him eating cereal at his host family's table but that Doofenshmirtz's home and Doofenshmirtz's table)  who has learned nothing but the best in his field I, uhh, uh, actually, I don't know what's particularly bad about this clip here, but, we have no choice but...

Carl: Why? Why'd you do it?

Major Monogram: Not yet, Carl. Wait till I'm done here. (to Perry) You are officially.. discharged. (to Carl) Okay, now, Carl.

Carl: Why? Why'd you do it?

Major Monogram: Cuff him, boys.

(Perry pulls hands back, presses a button, and then flies to the back of his lair.)

Major Monogram: Red alert! Red alert! Renegade agent on the run!

(Agents chase Perry, a duck carries a chair with him.)

(Candace presses button on her phone.)

Stacy: Hello?

Candace: Stacy, Jeremy has, like, totally lost interest in me!

Stacy: What makes you think so?

Candace: Quazmo magazine!

Stacy: I'll be right there.

(Knocking on door)

Candace: Well, that was almost impossibly fast.

(Clown arrives, walks into Candace's room)

Candace: Woah, woah, wait! You're not Stacy! Hey, hey, hey! What is going on? Huh? (Clown pulls out a pie) Uh, wait a minute. Now, don't try anything funny! (Pie splashes in her face)

Stacy: So, are you ready for some cheering up?

Candace: (looks in mirror) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Birds fly, dogs bark, seals jump in water, monkeys beat up Tarzan look-alike.)

(Horn sound)

Phineas: No biggie, Shlocko, you gave it your best shot.

(Horn)

Phineas: In hindsight, a clown may not have been the best choice to do a makeover.

Isabella: Ya think?

Phineas: So, what else does the magazine say?

Isabella: "Step number two: Make her laugh. Laughter is the best medicine."

Phineas: Sure! Make her laugh. Candace has a great sense of humor. Remember that time she got her face caught in the sink?

Stacy: Okay, how 'bout now we get you some ice cream?

Candace: I don't know, Stacy.

Phineas: Good afternoon, ladies.

Stacy: Or we can do this.

Phineas: We have a table reserved for you close to the stage, Miss Flynn.

Stacy: Oh. This is SO cool.

Phineas: (On microphone) Hey, hey, hey, hey, everybody! We havin' fun yet? First up, our favorite math-formula funny man, Baljeet!

(crowd applauds)

Baljeet: (Holding a plastic dummy that looks just like him) Thank you. Thanking you much. So little Jeet, I hear you went to New Delhi. And did you try the chicken club?

(odd silence)

Little Jeet: Wow, that's really what you're going with? You know, just do the water drinking bit.

Baljeet: Okay. The Pythagorean theorem...

Little Jeet: The square of the hypotenuse of a right triang... (coughs then head falls off, then Baljeet coughs)

Phineas: Let's hear it for the dummy! And that puppet wasn't bad either.

(Rim shot)

Phineas: Next up, my favorite vegetable-based comic, Broccoli Top!

Buford: I'm gonna do some prop comedy for you, and you're gonna like it! Okay, what have we got? (reaches into the box and gets a house) Here's a...here's a house. For, uh...I don't know. A mouse or something. (drops and breaks house; gets a book from his box) Here's a book. Hey, what am I...what am I supposed to do? Read? (throws book) Next! All right, let's see what else we've got! Um, and here's, uh, um... (gets out an oyster shell) An oyster shell, look! My...my mom went to a seafood restaurant...I don't have any...it's just...to me, it's just interesting. I'll put that one back in the box. (puts shell back in box) What else we got? Oh, here we go. Look! (pulls out Baljeet) A nerd to go with the book!

Baljeet: I am in both acts.

Buford: (throws Baljeet off stage and onto Ferb's drum set) Thank you! Buford's still in the building!

(crowd booing)

Candace: This isn't making me feel any better.

Buford: What? You wanna wrestle?

Phineas: Coming up next, Ferb Fletcher!

(crowd applauding)

Ferb: Ahem. So, how about that airline food?

(everybody laughs hysterically, one guy flips his table)

Candace: (not laughing along) This, is making me feel worse.

Stacy: (still laughing along) Ahahaha, what's airline food?

Phineas: (Worried) Doesn't look like it's working.

(Scene shifts back to Isabella)

Phineas: So, what does it say for step number three?

(Isabella looks through Tween Bleep until she comes to step number three)

Isabella: It says... "Introduce her to someone new."

Phineas: That should be easy. There are lots of nice people in Danville she's never met. Ferb, I've got an idea.

(Perry's watching one of his lookalikes carry a garbage bag into Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. He then climbs to the top of the building to find Dr. Doofenshmirtz with Perry lookalikes.)

Doofenshmirtz: Hey fellas! Look who decided to make an appearance. (to Perry) You see, it occurred to me that what I really should be doing is fighting fire with fire. And by fire, I mean Perry the Platypus. And by fire, I ALSO mean Perry the Platypus. It occurred to me while I was on fire. I made a bunch of doppelgangers to discredit and totally destroy you. Behold the Plata-Proliferator-inator!

(Shows his invention, a clone of Perry comes out; Doofenshmirtz points to different platypuses.)

Doofenshmirtz: Meet Terry the Platypus, and say hello to Larry the Platypus, and say aloha to Jerry the Platypus. (shows distorted Perry lookalike) Yeah, he was the first one out of the batch, but you know, he was so cute, I couldn't bear to...(Jerry hits Doofenshmirtz with the pipe he was drooling on) Ow! Ow! No, no Jerry you cannot hit people, you do not... (Jerry hits him again) No, use your words Jerry. (talks to the Perry lookalikes) Anyway, all you guys, go get him!

(Perry grabs a pipe and starts swinging it around. He takes out a couple of the Perry lookalikes, then is wrestled to the ground by six of them. Camera pans to Doofenshmirtz and Jerry sitting with some popcorn, watching.)

Doofenshmirtz: Yes!

(Perry pushes all of the lookalikes off of him)

Doofenshmirtz: Awwwww.

(Candace is seen walking home, while talking to Stacy)

Candace: Look at this, Stacy, he won't even answer his cell phone.

Little Jeet: Excuse me, Miss Flynn? You and a guest are cordially invited to the Mixer Mingler.

Candace: Mixer Mingler? Say, aren't you that dummy from the night club?

(Baljeet and his dummy look at each other)

Little Jeet: She's talking to you.

Candace: It's obviously some lame attempt from my brothers to cheer me up. I'm not going.

(Stacy pushes Candace towards the Mix 'n' Mingler)

Stacy: Come on; it will do you good.

Candace: (as they climb up the machine) Oh, would you look at this? If I wasn't so depressed, my brothers would be so busted!

(Scene shifts to Phineas and Ferb)

Phineas: With the Mix 'n' Mingler, you'll meet someone new every two seconds. Now, let's fire this thing up.

(Phineas gets to the top of the machine)

Phineas: Fasten your seatbelts!

Candace: I can't believe I'm doing... (The machine starts spinning) AHHHHH!

(Song: Mix and Mingle Machine)

Chorus: (background chanting) Mix, mingle, mix, mingle

Man 1: Glad to meet ya

Man 2: Nice to see ya

Pizza man: My uncle owns a pizzeria

Candace: Hey, I smell muffins!

Twins: We love to bake them.

Gardener: Got any leaves? I'd love to rake them.

Spanish man: Here's a maraca, we can shake 'em.

Candace: I like your pants?

Man 3: Here, you can take 'em.

Chorus: Meet and greet folks off the streets,

so make sure that your underwear's clean.

'Cause you've only got a second to make a good impression

In a mix and mingle machine.

Man 4: I raise rats.

Little girl: My tooth fell out.

English man: I love to dance when I have the gout.

Archer: I like to shoot a bow and arrow.

Pharaoh: I like to dance just like a pharaoh.

Small man: I'm very small, I need a booster.

Man 5: I'm being followed by a rooster.

Rooster: Yeah, I'm followin' him.

Chorus: Meet and greet folks off the streets,

so make sure that your underwear's clean.

'Cause you've only got a second to make a good impression

In a mix and mingle machine.

Man 6: I'm really dull, but you'll like Tom.

Man 7: I drew a banjo on my mom!

Man 8: You'd never know I sport a rug.

Candace: You forgot your socks.

Man 9: I need a hug.

Fat Woman: I lost 10 pounds.

Man 10: I'm into sprockets.

Man 11: You'll never guess what's in my pocket.

Tom: I'm Tom.

Keith: I'm Keith.

Sven: I'm Sven.

Rex: I'm Rex.

Creepy man: Esh, eesh eesh eesh.

Candace: Next!

Chorus: Meet and greet folks off the streets,

so make sure that your underwear's clean.

'Cause you've only got a second to make a good impression

In a mix and mingle machine.

'Cause you've only got a second to make a good impression

In a mix and mingle machine.

Mix, mingle, mix, mingle, mix, mingle, mix, mingle.

(Perry is still fighting his lookalikes. He jumps onto the lawn chair Jerry was on and flings him towards the Plata-Proliferator-inator. Jerry hits the reverse button, and all of the lookalikes are sucked in. Perry also jumps on Doofenshmirtz's chair, flinging him towards the machine, which then overloads the machine, causing it to explode.)

Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

(Pieces of the Plata-Proliferator-inator fall towards the Mix 'n' Mingler machine. Ferb grabs a hard hat and runs down the stairs. The Mix 'n' Mingler goes to full speed and lifts off the ground.)

Phineas: Sorry, folks. Prepare for emergency ejection. (pulls a cord) ' (People are ejected out from the machine, screaming. Phineas's chair ejects via a spring, parachutes comes out of all the chairs, and then the Mix 'n' Mingler flies away.)''

Phineas: In hindsight, a simple ice cream cone might have been more effective.

Stacy: See?

(Scene shifts to a close-up of Perry, who's using his parachute. Monogram appears on his wristwatch communicator.)

Major Monogram: (tearing up) Congratulations, Agent P. I knew it couldn't be you causing all that trouble. (sobs) You are officially reinstated.

(Carl blows on a noisemaker)

(Stacy and Candace, now in the park, are heading towards an ice cream cart.)

Stacy: You know, a little ice cream always makes me feel better.

Candace: Maybe you're right. I'll have two scoops of...Jeremy? (Jeremy turns around) Jeremy!

Jeremy: Hey, Candace.

Candace: What are you doing here?

Jeremy: I didn't wanna break our date. I just wanted to earn some extra money, so I could surprise you.

Candace: A surprise, for me? Oh, Jeremy.

(Scene shifts to Candace and Jeremy on their date, riding in a carriage.)

Candace: Oh, Jeremy! This was so worth the wait.

Jeremy: I'm just glad you're not one of those people who freaks out just because someone cancels a date.

Candace: (laughs awkwardly; tosses magazine over her shoulder) Right.