Where the Deer and the Mousealopes Play

In tonight's plan, Pinky, we shall confuse humanity into submission.

By asking them how Marisa Tomei won an Oscar?

No. By stranding them in hopeless mental and physical gridlock through the use of... 3-D magic-eye technology.

Naaarrf!

Brain: Observe, Pinky. Our first guinea pig.

Scientist: Hmm, what is it? I can't tell. No! It doesn't work for me! [Crash]

Yes! The experiment is an unqualified success.

Egad! What did you hide in that poster, Brain? A picture of Kenny Kingston?

I am not cruel, Pinky. The cryptic genius of my plan is that hidden in this poster is no secret message of any kind whatsoever.

No secret message? Poit! Um, oh, you're right, Brain. That is confusing.

We shall construct a series of magic-eye billboards and 11 miles wide over the nation's freeways. As the confounded commuters struggle in vain to decipher the nonexistent messages, they will become stranded in a never-ending rush hour, thus giving us an opportunity to seize power. Oof.

Brilliant, brain. Oh, wait. No, no. What if the pictures just make people all wobbly and sick?

Then, there will be a lot of cleaning up to do. Now, come! We must obtain an inordinate amount of steel to construct the frames for our billboards.

Zort! How will we get the steel, Brain?

Reparations, Pinky. We shall take the steel by birthright.

We better sign up for lamaze classes, then.

Many a species has been driven to the brink of extinction through man's callous disregard for nature, but there may be no story more tragic than that of the fabled mousealope.

Mousealope? Zort! Isn't that a fur-covered cantaloupe?

No, Pinky. That would be your head.

Oh, right. Ho ho ha ha ha!

Mousealopes were once as common as ordinary field mice, Pinky. They grazed on the sweet spring grass and nurtured their young in peace until...

Mother? Why is everyone so still on the meadow?

Man is in the forest.

[Gunfire]

Brain: Sadly, they were hunted into extinction for their majestic antlers, which made perfect toothpicks.

Poit. Oh, how sad. Is it all true?

That's what it says on the back of this gift shop postcard, and people have believed it for years. But weep not, Pinky. Though the world has seen neither hide nor horn of them in over a hundred years, the mousealopes are about to make a spectacular comeback.

Oh, I hope Mike Nesmith joins them this time. [Gasp] Brain, come quick. I see a mousealope. Oh, now be quiet, or you'll startle it.

Too late.

Wah-Haa-Hoo! Ulp! Narf! Ha ha ha hoo!

Come, Pinky. We are off to reclaim the sacred breeding ground of our forefathers.

The city dump?

No, Pinky. The City of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania-- steel capital of the United States. Soon, all the steel in these mills will be ours.

Ohh. And we can make slinks. Ooh, I just love slinkys.

Then, why don't you marry one?

Hoo ha ha! Good one, Brain. Witty. Heh. Narf!

I, too, have my moments of jocularity, Pinky.

I see something.

Doe?

A deer.

A female deer?

Can't tell.

Retreat!

Waah! Yaah! Ooh. Ooh.

This is a pain that is nearly flawless.

[Horn honks]

Yes. Now, it is perfect.

There they are.

Stop!

You talking to me?

These are endangered animals. Look at this gift shop postcard.

What's a mousealope?

That's us!

Mousealope. Why, it's the rarest species in North america, and you almost killed them. Shame on you.

Does that mean we can't eat 'em?

The poll numbers are not encouraging, sir. Your charisma quotient is, well, nonexistent.

And your cute-and-cuddly count is even worse.

People need to know that Del Monte cares about something, but what does Del Monte care about? Well, you'd better think of something quick.

What about this, sir?

Previously believed extinct, the discovery today Of a pair of rare North American mousealopes Has stunned the entire country.

Mousealope? What's that?

Doesn't matter, sir. They're cute.

And cuddly.

Hmm.

Del Monte cares about the mousealopes.

[Cheering]

That is why Del Monte has authored the mousealope protection act, which will let these cute and cuddly fellows propagate unabated.

Won't we need special shoes to do that, Brain? Ooh! [Whimpers]

Pittsburgh is now officially mousealope country. [Cheering]

"Mousealopes." Mm-Hmm. "Granted full protection of the endangered species act. " Mm-Hmm."Do not remove tag under penalty of law." Mm-Hmm."All rights reserved." Ahem. Good people of pittsburgh, Lend me your ears.

Huh?

Woman: what? He can speak?

It would be impossible to erase the nightmare my species has endured for the past 100 years.

For just pennies a day, You can save a hungry mousealope. Oof!

Your sponge, sir.

[Fake sobbing]

Brain: But, this landmark legislation will serve to repair the great injustice that mankind Has perpetrated on the mousealopes.

[Crowd cheering]

By giving back the sacred breeding ground of our ancestors, which includes the legal ownership Of your entire city and all of its steel mills.

[Audience silent]

Uh, not a good time to be clapping, sir.

Definitely not a good time.

You have 48 hours to vacate your homes and businesses, or you shall be forcibly relocated by order of the Mousealope Protection Act. Thank you for your warm reception.

Y'all come back now, you hear? Troz!

[Muttering]

Brain: Pittsburgh is my land,

It isn't your land.

Go find your own land,

'Cause this is my land.

Please find your way to the nearest e-E-Exit,

Pittsburgh's for mousealopes only.

Brain: The dogalope, the chimpalope, the grizzly bearalope, the fishalope and, lest we forget, the manalope. All of these creatures once roamed free across this great land. Don't let their fate befall this little fellow. This is a mousealope.

This is a mousealope in a frying pan. Sizzle. Yaah! Sizzle. Ooh! Any questions? Ha ha ha ha! Narf.

A mousealope is a terrible thing to waste.

Pinky and Brain: * Pittsburgh's for mousealopes only. *

Brain: Paid for by N.A.A.M. The National Association for the Advancement of Mousealopes.

And the best actor award goes to Marlon Brando.

[Audience cheering]

Hello. I am a mousealope. I am representing Marlon Brando this evening. Marlon has asked me to tell you that he cannot accept this award, due to the treatment of the mousealopes by all of humanity.

[Audience booing]

Brain: I hope that in the future, we will all live together in love and generosity. And by the way, get out of Pittsburgh. Thank you, on behalf of Marlon Brando.

[Booing]

And, uh, since he doesn't want the award, I'll take it.

Mob: Mousealopes, no! We won't go! Mousealopes, no! We won't go!

Newscaster: Protecting the mousealopes-- An act of environmental compassion, or a stupid political blunder? The debate rages on. Senator, critics are saying you favor cute little rodents over high-paying jobs.

Poppycock-A-Doodle-Doo! Del Monte hates the mousealopes.

Well, aren't you waffling from your previous position, sir?

Of course not. Everybody knows that Del Monte's a pancake man.

Offering a counterpoint to senator Del Monte, actor and activist Martin Sheen joins us from his home on Mars. Uh, i mean Malibu.

Thanks, Fred. I'd just like to welcome the mousealopes back from extinction And tell them how sorry I am about the terrible way they've been treated. They're always welcome here in malibu.

I'm sure they are. Coming up, We'll hear from the mousealopes themselves.

[Munching] [Gulp]

Pinky, do I look cute and cuddly enough For our nationally televised appearance?

Um, uh--Uh-- Are you going to eat that, Brain, or are you saving it for later?

Spinach! Drat!

Well, if you're not going to eat it, can I have it?

Oh, you can have it, Pinky, anytime.

Well, thank--Oop!

Where can i find a blasted toothpick?

Pancakes, waffles. Why didn't you tell me I'd be debating the 4 food groups?

[Gasp] You have to see this.

Sir, you won't believe it.

Huh? Boy, those antlers sure come in handy.

Fred: And so the people of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Forced from their homes by the Mousealope Protection Act, begin their exodus in the spirit of cooperation and brotherly love.

Get out of the road, clown!

Behold, pinky. The city is--Oof! Ours.

Oh ho, brain! Stop clowning around. Ha ha!

If our moment of triumph weren't nearly upon us, I would feel obliged to hurt you.

The city belongs to us, Pinky. Do you know what that means?

We can run wild and free in our underpants?

No, Pinky. The Pittsburgh steel is ours!

[Gasp] Does this mean I can finally rub the top of Terry Bradshaw's head? Poit!

Aah! We can set phase 2 of our plan into motion.

Oh, that. Zort! Well, it looks like we'll have a lot of help.

Help?

Hmm. From the mousealopes.

Pinky, it's all a scam. There are no other mousea-- Lopes.

[Rumbling]

Yeow! Ooh! Aah! Aah! Argh!

Man: this should help our boss get elected.

And due to the wanton proliferation of the mousealopes, which is threatening the delicate ecological balance of this great land, Del Monte is very proud to support the controlled hunting of mousealopes.

[Cheering]

Um, are we about to become extinct again, Brain?

No, Pinky, not while we can still RUN!

Aah!

There. 2 perfect mousealope specimens for our lab.

Oh, cheer up, Brain. We could always go to work for Santy Claus. Ha ha ha--Oh!

At least we're being taken back to the lab, Pinky, where we can pack for our Malibu trip.

Malibu? Are we gonna take over the world from there?

No. I just don't want to pass up an invitation... to Martin Sheen's house!

They're dinky, they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.