Spy vs. Spy Kids / The Superhero Millionaire Matchmaker

(Scene begins outside the Wilson's house and a house nearby for sale)

Rebecca Wilson: (off-screen) Ow! Quit it!

Cecil Wilson: (off-screen) Ow! Quit it!

(Scene goes inside to show Rebecca and Cecil Wilson hitting each other with stuff)

(Cecil hits Rebecca with a plate)

Rebecca Wilson: Ow! Quit it!

(Rebecca hits Cecil with a pan)

Cecil Wilson: Ow! Quit it!

(Both Rebecca and Cecil Wilson pull out a hammer and scene zooms out to show Marissa Wilson and her baby, Maria Cortez Wilson)

Marissa Wilson: Kids, stop fighting!

(Scene goes to Marissa Wilson)

Marissa Wilson: Your pizza's almost ready!

(Scene goes to Rebecca and Cecil Wilson who are not pleased with Marissa)

Rebecca Wilson: So? You're not our real mom.

(Scene goes to Marissa Wilson opening the microwave and Danger D'Amo appears on the screen)

Marissa Wilson: (exclaims)

Danger D'Amo: Hello, Marissa.

Marissa Wilson: Danger D'Amo?

(Scene slowly zooms in on Danger D'Amo)

Danger D'Amo: We need you to come out of retirement.

(Scene slowly zooms in on Marissa Wilson)

Marissa Wilson: (concerned) You're making me choose between being a spy and being a mom?

(Scene goes back to Danger D'Amo on the screen)

Danger D'Amo: It's not as black and white as all that.

(Danger D'Amo pulls up an article and reads it carefully.)

Danger D'Amo: Actually, wait, it is as black and white as all that.

(Scene backs out to show the Wilson kids, a worried Marissa Wilson, and Danger D'Amo)

Danger D'Amo: So grab those kids and meet me at headquarters.

(Scene goes to the microwave screen with Danger D'Amo in it)

Danger D'Amo: cause the spies are back!

(Scene zooms 2 times with dramatic music on the microwave which is showing Black Spy and White Spy holding bombs)

(Scene backs out to show Danger D'Amo on the screen and a bell dings)

Danger D'Amo: Also, your pizza's ready.

(Title card: "Spy vs. Spy" but then changes to "Spy vs. Spy Kids")

(Scene resumes back to "Spy Headquarters" and inside shows the Wilson family walking)

Cecil Wilson: I can't believe you're a spy and you didn't tell us!

Rebecca Wilson: (While holding a DVD) I can't believe you were in that movie. (Scene zooms in on Rebecca's DVD to show Marissa Wilson (Jessica Alba) with Ben Stiller and a man) with Ben Stiller and you did tell us!

(Scene goes to the elevator and it opens a Danger D'Amo appears. Also another bell dings)

Danger D'Amo: All right, listen up. (Scene backs out to show the Wilson family) It seems the black and white spies have buried the hatchet and joined forces.

Marissa Wilson: Really?

(The Spy vs. Spy theme music plays as a bubble cloud appears as Marissa Wilson thinks what the spies are doing. Black Spy puts the hatchet in the hole and White Spy puts the dirt back in the hole and Black Spy stomps on it. White Spy smashes Black Spy with his shovel into the ground and Black Spy gets up and slices White Spy with the hatchet. Black Spy chuckles and the bubble cloud pops and scene resumes back to Marissa Wilson.)

Marissa Wilson: (frowns) That doesn't seem likely...

(Scene goes to Danger D'Amo)

Danger D'Amo: (shrugs) Well, it's true. And we can use all the help we can get.

(Scene goes to Danger D'Amo putting his hand in the hand scanner to open the door and scene slowly zooms in as Rebecca and Cecil Wilson start to walk towards the door)

Danger D'Amo: So, welcome aboard, kids.

(Scene goes inside to show spy stuff and Rebecca and Cecil Wilson walking)

Cecil Wilson: (amazed) Wow! Look at all this cool spy stuff!

(Danger D'Amo and Marissa Wilson walks towards the screen then they stopped walking)

Danger D'Amo: You're part of the team now, son, so grab a weapon, (Scene goes to some spy gloves that Cecil Wilson receives and puts on. Also a button is near him) and start punching that time clock.

(Scene backs out to show Cecil Wilson in the "Time Clock Testing Area" with scientists)

Cecil Wilson: Okay.

(Scientists gasp and scene goes to Danger D'Amo)

Danger D'Amo: Wait! That's just an expression!

(Cecil Wilson punches the button and a wave blows away the scientists)

Scientists: (groaning)

(Scene goes to Rebecca Wilson near the bomb storage area)

Danger D'Amo: (off-screen) Rebecca, why don't you grab a bomb?

Rebecca Wilson: Okay. (Rebecca Wilson holds up another DVD) How about The Love Guru, starring Jessica Alba?

(Scene goes to Marissa Wilson and Danger D'Amo)

Marissa Wilson: Why are you so mean to me?! I got you a dog, for crying out loud!

(Scene goes to Rebecca Wilson)

Rebecca Wilson: Uh, yeah...

(Rebecca Wilson holds up a double-sided wrench and throws it)

Rebecca Wilson: A robot dog.

(Scene goes to Argonaut with his bowl of tools that says "Robot Dog" and the double-sided wrench hits him on the head with a "Clang")

Argonaut: Hello. I'm a robot dog. I can talk, fight, and I don't have to pee.

Marissa Wilson: (smiling) Plus I married your dad.

(Scene backs out to show Wilbur Wilson)

Wilbur Wilson: Hi, I'm your dad! I can talk and fight, but I do have to pee...

(Marissa becomes very suspicious as Wilbur slowly walks away)

Wilbur Wilson: Right now, in fact...

(Scene goes to the bathroom and a zipper is heard zip while the scene backs out and then a "BOOM" happens destroying everything and leaving behind a mess)

(Scene goes to Cecil Wilson)

Cecil Wilson: I think he did more than pee...

(Scene backs out to show Rebecca Wilson)

Rebecca Wilson: (worried) Oh, no! It's the birdmen!

(The Spy vs. Spy theme music plays as the scene goes to Black Spy and White Spy blowing through the wall in a tank and heading towards Marissa, Rebecca, and Cecil Wilson)

Rebecca Wilson: (off-screen) I mean, Triangle Guys!

(Scene goes to Black Spy and White Spy again)

Rebecca Wilson: (off-screen) I mean aliens?

(Scene goes back to Rebecca and Cecil Wilson)

Rebecca Wilson: What are they again?

(Scene zooms out to show Marissa Wilson)

Marissa Wilson: Out to get us!

(The spies' tank blows a cannon ball out as the scene goes to Marissa Wilson running towards the left)

Marissa Wilson: Look out!

(Marissa Wilson blocks the cannon ball headed towards Rebecca and Cecil Wilson and creates a "BOOM". Then the scene goes to the Wilson kids and Argonaut.)

Rebecca Wilson: Oh no! (Rebecca Wilson holds up yet another DVD) I never got the chance to tell her that I enjoyed her work in The Fantastic Four...

(Scene backs out to show Rebecca Wilson again)

Rebecca Wilson: (determined) That does it!

(Scene goes to a red button and Rebecca Wilson presses it)

Rebecca Wilson: Time to join this spy biz for real!

(The Spy vs. Spy theme music plays as the machine launches black and white hats and Rebecca and Cecil Wilson's clothes change to black and white suits. Meanwhile, Black Spy and White Spy play with their spy gloves. White Spy points some black lines to a safe and a sign that says "Even Secreter Weapons" and Black Spy punches the hand scanner to get in. However, when the safe opens, Rebecca and Cecil Wilson are seen in a big tank aiming for the spies.)

Black Spy and White Spy: (exclaim)

(The cannon shoots them creating a "BOOM" and when the smoke clears up Rebecca and Cecil Wilson move the big cannon ball and find Black Spy and White Spy hurt and dizzy.)

Rebecca Wilson: It's time to finally see what you guys really are.

(Rebecca and Cecil pull off the spies' heads and it shows Danger D'Amo and Timekeeper. Scene zooms in on them 2 times on a grey dot background with dramatic music and then the scene zooms out to show Rebecca and Cecil again)

Rebecca and Cecil Wilson: Danger D'Amo and his twin brother?!

(Scene goes to Rebecca Wilson and Danger D'Amo's head outline shows)

Rebecca Wilson: You made the whole thing up!

(Scene then goes to Cecil Wilson and Timekeeper's head outline shows)

Cecil Wilson: So you could steal all the weapons for yourselves!

(Scene then goes to Velma Dinkley)

Velma Dinkley: And blame it on the spies.

(Scene zooms out to show Scooby-Doo)

Scooby-Doo: Rat's right!

(Scene goes to Argonaut with his bowl of tools that now says "Talking Dog")

Argonaut: A talking dog! Please! Been there, done that...

(Scene goes to Wilbur Wilson with Carmen and Juni Cortez)

Wilbur Wilson: Hey, everybody! (Scene zooms out to show Rebecca and Cecil Wilson) Look who I found outside!

Cecil Wilson: You're the kids from the first three spy movies.

(Scene goes to Carmen and Juni Cortez)

Carmen Cortez: We just wanted to say 'Good job'!

Juni Cortez: Now, if you'll just hand over those weapons.

(Scene goes to the guns Rebecca and Cecil are carrying)

Juni Cortez: We'll put them back where they belong.

(Scene goes up to show Rebecca and Cecil's faces as they hand over their guns and Carmen and Juni Cortez take them)

Carmen and Juni Cortez: (snickering)

(Scene zooms out to show Rebecca and Cecil Wilson putting their hands over the Cortez's heads)

Cecil Wilson: Wait a second!

(Rebecca and Cecil Wilson pull off Carmen and Juni Cortez's faces and it shows Black Spy and White Spy faces. Scene zooms in on them 2 times on a grey dot background with dramatic music and then the scene zooms out again)

Cecil Wilson: It's the real spies!

(The Spy vs. Spy theme music plays as Black Spy and White Spy start to run as fast as they could to get away and scene goes to Wilbur Wilson with his hand on a lever watching the spies run away)

Wilbur Wilson: Not so fast!

(Wilbur Wilson pulls the lever and scene goes to Black Spy and White Spy running until a wall gets in their way and both spies get smashed)

(Scene returns to Wilbur, Rebecca, and Cecil Wilson)

Rebecca Wilson: Great job, Dad!

Wilbur Wilson: (In Marissa Wilson's voice) Your dad may be good, but he's not that good!

(The fake Wilbur Wilson pulls out a zipper and it shows Marissa Wilson as Grey Spy. Scene zooms in on her 2 times on a grey dot background with dramatic music and then goes back to Rebecca and Cecil Wilson)

Cecil Wilson: Marissa!

Rebecca Wilson: You're alive!

(Scene backs out to show Marissa Wilson)

Marissa Wilson (Grey Spy): I knew if I lay low, the real spies would show up.

Rebecca Wilson: Wait. (Rebecca Wilson holds up issue #73 of MAD with Alfred E. Neuman on the cover) Does this make you a Spy vs. Spy vs. Spy?

(Scene zooms in on Marissa Wilson)

Marissa Wilson (Grey Spy): A spy mom's job is never done!

(Scene zooms out again to show Rebecca and Cecil Wilson looking stunned)

Marissa Wilson (Grey Spy): Also your dad is still missing.

(Segment ends)

Patti Stanger: Hi, I'm Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker! Ever hear how I can't find my perfect match? Well, I'm sure I can find yours. So who do we have this week?

Destin Pfaff: Well, I've got a millionaire playboy named Tony Stark who owns a giant robot suit.

Rachel Federoff: I've also got a millionaire playboy named Bruce Wayne who... apparently sleeps a lot.

Patti Stanger: Well, this should be interesting.

(Title card: The Superhero Millionaire Matchmaker)

Patti Stanger: Gentlemen, I've reviewed each of your videos. Iron Man, yours was... short.

(Iron Man's video plays.)

Iron Man: (Laughs) I am awesome!

Patti Stanger: And Batman, yours was... just scenes from your DVD.

(Batman's video plays.)

Batman: I don't have time for shenanigans.

Patti Stanger: Well, we do. This is the Redhead.

Batman: The RED HOOD?!?!

(He throws them across the room.)

Batman: These look like my ears, but my ears are actually way down here. Covered with the cowell.

Redhead: I bet you're OK. 'Cause I have a sensitive heart.

Iron Man: Really? Me too. See?

(He tears his heart out.)

(Redhead faints.)

Iron Man: Too soon?

Batman: There's no time here.

(Batman Family Feud music plays.)

Redhead: I need someone who's faithful. Could you be faithful?

Iron Man: Faithful!? (starts laughing)

(Cuts to Batman)

(Long silence)

Batman: My parents are dead.

(Scene goes back to Iron Man)

Iron Man: Faithful! (Laughs again)

Batman: Well, we do have a-The bat signal!

Patti Stanger: Well, you blew it. You did the exact opposite of everthing I said. And as an award..

(Cut to Iron Man and Batman)

Patti Stanger: YOU didn't get a single phone number, and YOU got robbed. Do you have anything to say for yourself?

(Another long silence)

Batman: My parents are dead.

(Segment ends)