Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

My parents say there's no such thing as a bad day. That it's all how you look at it. What can I tell you? Parents. Here is what I know. They're wrong. My name is Alexander, and I'm the expert in bad days. This guy knows what I'm talking about. That's not coming off. Did I mention my dad is a relentless optimist? We're in the home stretch. And look at Mom. She's not fooling anyone with that "Mom smile." Believe it or not, by the time we got home... this van was in better shape than we were. There's my sister Emily, the actress. Always ready to take a bow. Anthony, my brother, a total winner with a great sense of style. And baby Trevor. Sorry, pal. Definitely not coming off. Bottom line, today was an epic disaster. The worst day possible. Everyone in my family would agree. But what they don't know, is it was all my fault. And it wasn't over yet. You overslept, bud. Don't blow my didgeridoo! What's it for, then? You're invited! Philip Parker turning 12. Tomorrow night? No! He's the trick to... Good morning! There she is! You are going to be so impressed. I made what is known as... the crustless quiche, the frittata. Wow. What is this? Two months ago, you couldn't even grill cheese, and now... That looks so good. Egg and cheese. Excellent. Thank you. So, what are you gentlemen up to today? Well, let's see. Em has a dentist appointment this morning... Right, right. And then the two of us are going to Mommy and Me Yoga. - With Summer? - Yes. Will you tell her I still exist? I will. And then when he takes his nap, I'm gonna send out some resumes. Good. What a to-do to die today at a minute or two to two. A thing distinctly hard to say but harder still to do. We'll beat a tattoo at a minute or two and a rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tattoo... and the dragon will come to the beat of the drum at a minute or two to two today... at a minute or two to two. - I need to pee. - You have gum in your hair. A big black bug bit a big black bear... No! Anthony! Alexander! Accelerate. Come on! One minute! If it ain't broke, right? Guess what? Philip Parker's having his birthday party tomorrow night. That's when you're having your birthday party. I know! And I just got the invitation. He's going all-out, Dad. He's getting an energy drink bar, a Korean taco truck, a live band. That sounds legit. I think he's having black lights and a karaoke machine. I love karaoke parties. Look, can I compete with all of that? Come on, your birthday's gonna be great. It's gonna be fun. We're gonna have pizza. I'm gonna make a cake. Maybe some volleyball in the pool. Philip Parker's having a fog machine and we're having pizza? - Don't worry. - You're drinking coffee? What about my party? Since when did you start drinking coffee? I'm not a morning person. Can you check his diaper? You just dropped Bumble Bee. - You drop Bumble Bee? - I think he might be wet. No. Bumble Bee. There you go. Wish I could be there, bro, but I got prom tomorrow night. I thought that was next week. It is what it is. I'll probably be wiped out from my Peter Pan premiere... but I'll be happy to sing for you and all of your friends. No, no, no. Think of a wonderful thought... Probably Mrs. Gibson. Okay. Honey, Dad's taking Emily to the dentist. I've got Anthony. So you're in carpool. - Take a frittata. It's a crustless quiche. - There you go. What did you do to your hair? Nothing. Say hi to Mrs. Gibson! Remember your manners. Hi, Becky! Hey, Alexander. Are you okay? Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Let's go, kids. Lord of the Flies? Pretty scary, right? Lord of the Flies is beautiful, Alexander. It's a deep and meaningful allegory about our own messed-up society. Yeah, totally. That's what I meant with "scary." The society stuff. Crazy. Check out this app. He puts your face on some bikini model's body. It's really gross and sexist. This is gonna be hilarious. - What are you doing? - Wait, hold on! - No, no, no. - I'm not done. Hey, babe. Is everything okay? Your last text was so cold. No, I said, "See you at school"? Yeah. I'm your girlfriend, Anthony. You really should end your texts with "x-o-x-o" or "I heart you." You can make a heart with the less-than sign and a three. Yeah, I'll try to remember. So, a bunch of the girls were talking, and they're all going in limos. We are getting a limo tomorrow, right? No, I am taking my driver's test tomorrow, babe. The first thing I wanna do as a licensed driver is chauffeur you to the prom. It'll be romantic and stuff. Well, I do want it to be romantic. It will be. Also, I have it from a very good source who says... we're being crowned Duke and Duchess at the Royal Court tomorrow night at prom. - That's so tight! - I know. Isn't it like the best thing ever? This is the worst thing ever. These look so real. I can't believe Elliot text-bombed the whole school. Don't worry about it, man. Elliot's an idiot. No one's even gonna look at these. Hey, Paul. Philip, my man. Nice boobs, Alexander. Since when are you friends with Philip Parker? We go to the same psychopharmacologist. He's got ADHD, too. He's super nice. No, he's not. He's throwing a huge party tomorrow, and it's not even his actual birthday. His is next week. You realize it's just gonna be you and me at my party. - Actually, it might just be you. - What? You've gotta come. You're my best friend. Okay, but personally, I think you should just postpone. Philip's popular and everybody's gonna be there. Plus, his party sounds pretty dope. Dude, last year your dad tap-danced with a cane. Another bad party could ruin your rep forever. Your dad's a nice guy, but trust me... you do not want your entire social life in his hands. Great job! Yeah! Breathe. You gave birth. You can do this. Two. One. Take your baby back to the womb. They love it there. I think that it's so cool when a guy can step up to be a full-time fommy. A what? A father-mommy. Okay. Yeah, I guess I'm sort of a fommy by default. I was in aerospace, and I got transitioned out of my job. I'm sorry. No, that's okay. I get to spend more time with this little guy. Excuse me. Hello? Yes, this is Ben Cooper. Tomorrow? Yes, that's good. Okay, I'll see you then. I look forward to it, Greg. Bye-bye. Good news? Yeah! I landed an interview. That's great. What do you think of that? What do you think of that? Fommy just landed an interview. Fommy. Did you hear him say that? Yes! He just said Fommy! You just said my name! Guys, he just said Fommy. Did you hear him say Fommy? I'm Fommy. Fommy! That was so cool. - It's so adorable! - I am Fommy, and he said it. So, with our celebrity readings, our great grassroots marketing campaign... Thank you, Julie... and the positive reviews we have coming in... we are poised for a really strong roll-out. Tomorrow, we are going to ask America... "Who is ready to jump on the potty?" And I'm confident our sales are going to leap over expectations. I know I would have appreciated this book when I was potty-training my kids! That's Alexander, my son. Thank you, guys! Thank you for all your support with this. Oh, man. I hope that was thorough enough for you, Nina. Well, I'm going to need you to make an incredible effort on "the Potty" tomorrow. On "the Potty." - What? - You can count on me. Good. Because if this goes well, I'm going to make you VP. Really? Have you run Children's Lit and Young Adult. Thank you! Thank you. I'm going to need you every second of every minute of every day. - Got it. - 24/7, 365. That's a lot of numbers. Is that a joke? I have four kids that I'll just have to carve out a little time to see. Right, right, of course. Of course you will. Isn't that one of your darling little babies right there? Yeah, it is. So you're seeing him right now. All right, country reports. As you all know, this is your big project this semester. - So, what I think... - Mr. Rogue? Yeah, Alexander. I would like to take Australia. I know a ton about it. And I have my own didgeridoo. Yeah, I'm sure there a lot of students here who want Australia. Am I right? So to be fair, this semester... I'm going to let the globe decide what country. We'll start with you, Alexander. You ready? Here we go. Australia. Australia. Australia. What will it be? Djibouti. Look at that, the Horn of Africa! All right, Djibouti! Dji... what? Who's gonna be next here? Philip Parker. Here we go. Australia. So, like, Arnold Schwarzenegger and stuff? That's Austria, not Australia. - Can we switch? - No. Okay, Albert Morio. Lebanon. That's good. Partner up, everybody! Get your aprons on. Guys. Becky... do you want to partner? Okay. You can take lab notes. .5 milligrams of boron. Boron... Boring! So, Becky, I'm having a birthday party tomorrow night. It was only gonna be guys, but I can... Thanks, but I'm going to Philip Parker's party tomorrow night. I think everyone is. He has a frozen yogurt machine and a trampoline. So do we! We have a frozen yogurt machine and a trampoline. - Oh, my God! - Well, yeah... My lab book! Put it out! Put it out! Who's responsible for this? Alexander! Alexander! Hold up. Hold up! I'm leaving for a conference and nobody signed up to take Melvin home. I can't leave him alone all weekend. So, what do you want me to do? Well, you'll make a furry friend a little less lonely. Unbelievable. Cool, we're hosting a guinea pig. All right! Sorry we're late. We had a little diaper trauma at Trader Joe's. Hello! - Hi! - Hi, Mom. There's my big boy. Hi! There you are. Hi, big guy. - What is that? - Melvin. We're hosting Melvin this weekend. Oh, boy. Alexander, would you grab that and wash it off, please? He needs Bumble Bee like he needs air. I know, honey pie. And after that, the pig goes upstairs. - It's okay. - Bumble Bee's just getting a bath. It will be right back. Alexander, we could use Bumble Bee. Bumble Bee is coming right back, right back, right back any second. Dad, don't! What was that? Honey, Bumble Bee's gone. Peter Pan is going to be awesome. Today, Mr. Brand said that I am the most poised and elegant Peter Pan... he's ever had the privilege of working with. No way! Wow. When is that, again? Just remind me. Mom, hello! It's tomorrow afternoon! Of course. Please be on time and don't be embarrassing. Best behavior. Honey, please don't embarrass our daughter. - Dad, that includes you. - I know. I'll be there, honey, don't worry. Guess who's getting crowned Duke at the prom tomorrow. Really? Congratulations. Yeah, it's not official, but Celia heard from a good source. It's kind of crazy. I'm dating the hottest girl in school... I'm getting crowned at prom, and once I get my license tomorrow... I kind of have everything I've ever wanted. - Hashtag blessed, you know. - Wait. Once you get your license tomorrow? I'm taking my test after school. Dad already said it was cool. You said it was cool? I said it was doable. Not cool. I said it was doable. Okay. It will be fine. We'll make it. Okay, guys, I have some news. Nina said that if the book launch goes well tomorrow... you could be looking at the new Vice President of Lone Hill Press. Honey, wow! That's big. Yeah, it would be a lot more hours at work... I already feel like I live there some days, but the raise would be nice. Awesome. I have some news as well. I got a call today. I have an interview for a game design firm. They're looking for engineers. - Wait, video games? Really? - Yeah. Yeah. Your aerospace engineering dad might be designing video games. - That's so cool. - I know. I know. The best news of all... Guess who spoke his first word today? Trevor. - No! - Yes. What did you say? What was it? He said fommy. - He said fommy? - Yeah. - What's that? - Father-mommy. I didn't know that was a word. Wow, we all had pretty big wins today. - Yeah. - Yeah, tell me about it. I had a crap day. What is that smell? It's Vegemite. It's from Australia, and back off! Easy. You're gonna have a good day tomorrow. It's your birthday. You have friends coming over, it's gonna be a great party. Actually, you can forget it, because I'm canceling my party. - What are you talking about? - Why? Nobody's coming. They're all going to Philip Parker's party tomorrow night. Who is this Philip Parker? He's a really cool kid with a hot tub and ADHD. - I'm gonna call his mom... - No! No, no, no. We're gonna forget about Philip Parker. Whoever comes to the party comes. It's gonna be great. Trust me, nobody is coming. Elliot Gibson texted pictures of me in a butt thong to everyone at school. My best friend is suddenly best friends with Philip... because they go to the same dumb psychopharmacologist. I didn't get Australia for my school report... and I burned down the science lab with Becky Gibson's lab notes. - What did you do? - You burned down the science lab? Dude, big deal. So things didn't go your way today. Go my way? It was a totally wrecked bad day. And it's not just today! It is every single day. Every day! You don't even care because your lives are all so perfect! No, we care. We care, honey. - What? - Sweetie. Where's Bumble Bee? Alexander murdered it, so now he's going to cry all night. - Can't you just get him a new one? - No. It's only Bumble Bee. It's the only one he likes. It's gotta be Bumble Bee. I can't deal with this. I'm going to rehearse in the car. Maybe this is the time to wean him from the pacifier. Honey, easy for you to say. You're not here with him all day. Think of a wonderful thought Any merry little thought Think of Christmas, think of snow Think of sleigh bells, off you go Like reindeer in the sky You can fly, you can fly You can fly Anthony? I feel like no one understands me. I do. I get you. You do? Yeah. Come on, you're amazing. Really? You think I'm amazing? Honestly, I love you so much. I love you, too. I love you more. No, I love you more. And don't get me started on that cute little butt of yours. What? What? Why are you "what" -ing me? What's your problem? - Excuse me? - You know what? You're so annoying. Why can't you just chill out? For one second? You're exhausting. Are you kidding? Sorry, Celia. That was my idiot brother. Celia? Seriously? Now she won't pick up! I'm worried about Alexander. I mean, of all the years for everyone to bail on his birthday. He's been so moody since I had Trevor and started work. Don't worry about it. He's 12. Everybody's moody at that age. How's he already 12? I know. Just happened. That's the problem. Everything is just happening so fast. Yeah. This house is like a train station. Everyone's coming and going... and Trevor's first word was "Fommy." - Maybe I misheard that. - I don't think you did. Honey, come on. I got the kids covered. I got the house covered. You're killing it at work. Things have never been better. Oh, please. - Never been better? - It's true. Ben... you've been unemployed for the past seven months. Aren't you stressed out? Yeah. A little bit. Why aren't you freaking out more? What good would freaking out do? Then I'd just be freaked out and unemployed. Tomorrow I'm gonna nail that interview. Big day tomorrow. It's 12:01, Melvin. It's my birthday. You ever feel alone in the world? I just wish they understood! I just wish they knew what it felt like... to have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day! Shouldn't you guys be up? Who hit snooze? - What time is it? - Who hit snooze? - It's morning. It's morning. - Okay, okay. Go, go, go. - I have to take a shower. - All right. Okay, okay. All right, okay. All right. Does anyone know where the diapers are? I'm in here! Honey? Wow! You look terrible. Are you okay? No, I'm not okay. Peter Pan can't have a cold, Dad. Okay. Come... Harsh. Bro, I gotta take a shower. I gotta get to school. Celia won't call me back. No! No way, not today! Get out, dude. Get out! Why today? This is the worst day! No! I am so late. Emily? I'm coming in for a razor, honey. - Mom! - Mom! - Mom, get out! - I'm sorry! Sorry. Sorry. I'll wear pants! Mother! - Good morning. - Speak for yourself. - Dad? - Yeah! Trevor's peeing! Where's his diaper? I'm looking! There's the birthday boy. Okay, come here. Okay, you know what? I want you to have a great day. You are the captain of your ship. Steer your ship with positivity. Come on! What is wrong with you people? Anthony! Dad, are you okay? Look, you're older already. I'm sorry, honey, I have to run. I have a huge event... and my foot is killing me. I'm already late. Ben, put a diaper on it. We'll celebrate tonight, okay? I'm trying. Emily! Emily? Emily! You left the light on in my car all night. The battery's dead. I'm the one who had to rehearse in a cold car, and now I'm sick! Peter Pan! - What happened to your head? - Ben, we gotta go! It's a zit. Is it that bad? You should put a Band-Aid on that. Ben! We have got to go! You are my ride. Let's go, people. Alexander, into the car. We have got to go! Everybody, out of the house! Broom it out! Get out of your comfort zone. Push it. Push it. You miss Bumble Bee, don't you? Why is Anthony driving? I feel sick enough as it is. I need practice for my driver's test today. Okay! Then can we at least change the music, please? That's good. Leave that! You like that? Yeah! That's good. Wonderful. I can't believe I'm sick. I cannot believe that this guy is 12 years old. Thanks, Dad. This is not gonna work for me. You're gonna have to get around there, make a left on Brookwood. - There's no room. - Get aggressive! We have places to be. You're doing great. Mom, do you mind? Please. What? Because of this morning? It's not the first time I've seen your penis, Anthony! - Mom saw your penis? - Yep! I've seen yours too, Alexander. I've seen every penis in this car! Every penis. Come on! Excuse me, sir! Excuse me, sir, in the ironic Mini Cooper! You're gonna have to put down the latte... and move or I am gonna come and do it for you! Sir, I am gonna come... Thank you, son. Easy, hon. Nice and slow. Nice and slow, sweets. Gently, gently. There you go, honey. Move, move, move. Go, go, go. It's okay, baby. Mom's gotta go. Have a good day. Do you have lunch money? - Yes? - Got it. Love you. Mom! This is not gonna work. This is not gonna work! Let's go! Fold in. Woodwinds, make a window! Come on! Let's go, kids! The bell is ringing! Go, march, march! Move it on in there. Fold in. Hustle! Excuse me! Excuse me! Okay, come on! This day is so cursed. Everybody move out of the way. Just move out of the way. Make a window! - Go. Here. - All right. Goodbye. Take your stuff. Have a good day, honey! Here we go, boys. Celia! Celia, wait up! What's wrong? You haven't answered your phone since last night. Why do you care? I thought I was so exhausting. I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to my idiot brother. - Whatever. - I tried calling you back! I really didn't feel like talking to you. I just don't think you understand... the emotional responsibilities that come from having a girlfriend. Wait, are you breaking up with me? What about tonight? I don't even wanna go. Sorry. Morning! Good morning! Try calling again! Sorry I'm late. I had a little car trouble. My husband had to drop me off. - What happened? - This happened! And not just the cover. No. 15 times throughout the book. But it must be some horrible mistake at the printer! I don't know, Cooper. You're the one who did the final proof! We can't have that in a children's book! We just pulled the plug on publication. So, that's good. But we have an even bigger problem. Celebrity readings. Dick Van Dyke! I've been calling all morning, but I can't get through. Oh no. I will get down there. I will fix this. I will take care of this! He won't read it. You can count on me! Abby, great. I need to borrow your car. It's a work emergency. I ride a bike, actually. It's good exercise and good for the planet. Just tell me where it is! Dude, I've been looking for you everywhere. Have you heard about Philip Parker? I don't wanna hear anything more about his amazing party. No. It's canceled. What? Yeah! He woke up with chicken pox. He texted me this picture. These things are everywhere. They're even in his butt crack. So, his party's not on? No! So everyone's coming to yours again! - Really? - Great, right? His pox is your gain. I gotta go. I gotta go. Becky! Becky, Becky. Wait, wait up. Hi! I am really sorry about burning your binder yesterday. Today's a new day, and I thought that we could go ahead... and sail our ships with positivity! Wow, okay. Anyway, Philip Parker has chicken pox. But my party's still on. So if you want to swing by, it's gonna be pretty cool. - Is that right? - Yeah. I actually feel bad Philip's gonna miss such a sweet party, but... what can you do when you got the pox? Okay, maybe. Fantastic! Maybe I'll see you later then. Okay. See you. See you! No. Should I put more over here? Hey, birthday boy! Nothing goofy, Dad. - What? Alexander? - Yeah... and we're gonna need enough food, cake and drinks for 50 kids. - Everyone's coming. - Okay, okay. Hold on. Now hold on. What are you talking about? Philip Parker has chicken pox. The party's on! That's fantastic. I mean, for you. Yeah. And guess what? Elliot got busted for text-bombing the school. So I took your advice and steered my ship with positivity. And now Becky Gibson might be coming, too. So no magic tricks. No tap dancing, nothing dorky. - You got it. - I'm turning 12. Got it. 12-year-old cool straight up. - Do it right now. - It's just allergies. Really? Hey, Em. What's up? They're making me miss dress rehearsal to lay down in the infirmary. And Anthony called me. Celia broke up with him. They're going to prom tonight. Apparently not anymore. Can I be excused? Yes. What? Listen... I am sorry about last night. You have to believe me. I would never say those things about you. And tonight, I'm going to make it up to you. X-O-X-O. I heart you. Look, I just want everything to be perfect tonight. Please... be my date for the prom. This isn't Gossip Girl, you two. Get back inside, Celia. See you tonight. Yes! Let's go, Wreck-It Ralph. Principal's office now! Are you sure I can't just drop him off with you? Honey, there's no way. Not today. What happened to the babysitter? She had to cancel again. You know what? It's okay. I'll just take him with me. You're taking Trevor to the interview? Yeah, I'll be fine. How's he doing without Bumble Bee? He is... He is hanging in there. He's doing okay. Okay, honey. I gotta go. I gotta go. Good luck! Thanks, you too, hon. Hey, Anthony, what's up? Dad, I broke a trophy case and got suspended. - What? - You have to come and pick me up. No! You gotta be kidding me. They say you need to come get me. No, no. You're gonna have to wait at the Principal's office till I'm done with my interview. Fine, I'll be here. Okay, bye. On your left! I'm on your right! On your right. On your left. Are you okay? I'm good. I got it! I'm good. Don't worry! Excuse me. Mr. Van Dyke. Mr. Van Dyke! I have been trying to reach you because I'm here to save you. I'm from the publishing company. Let me start again. I'm not crazy. Please welcome legendary performer... - No, no. - That's my cue. We'll have a little chat later, all right? This is not something we should leave until afterwards. We wanna have a chat right now, Mr. Van Dyke! Please welcome Mr. Dick Van Dyke! Please! I insist that you get him. And I insist you stay right there. - Hi, kids! - Sir! And hi, moms and dads. There was a misprint! Just two minutes! If you guys don't know who I am, ask your parents. And if they don't know... have them ask their parents. We're gonna have a great time today. - I'm gonna read to you. - You're not gonna want to say...! I'm gonna read from a very special book. You ready? Get out of my way. I need him. Sir! "Today's the day. You're growing up! "I'm here to help you... "take that dump!" Please don't, sir! "Take that dump in the pool! "Take that dump on the bed! "But, don't take a dump on your, on your brother's head. "You can take a dump like a frog. "I'll take a big dump like a dog!" No! It's "jump"! It's just jump, sir. Not dump. Would you excuse me for a moment? I never agreed to do this kind of... There was a misprint. Jump like a frog. One little letter. It was a mistake! It was meant to be jump! I'm so sorry. There she is, right there, with the bad hair! She's behind this. Okay, we got this. We got this, right? You good? You cool? You ready? You ready to nail this? All right. Wow. Hey, man, guys are ready for you. - Let's go. - Great, thank you. At first we thought it was a little weird that you even applied for this job... because we're pretty young and you're... Older. - Yeah. - Yeah. Kind of decrepit. But then we took a look at your resume, and your experience is awesome. You're part of the space station design team. You have a Ph.D. in orbital mechanics. I mean, for real? For real. Sorry. Hey, you. He's a little out of sorts today. It's so hard to find the Bumble Bee pacifier. It would blow your mind. Anyway... Here you go. He's just gonna play for a while. And, kids are crazy. They're fun. Yeah. So, what were we talking about? We're thinking about launching this game. We want it to be a space station simulation strategy game. We want it to be authentic and completely immersive. That sounds really exciting. That's in my wheelhouse. Great! We wanna hear some ideas. I guess my first idea would be modular evolution. Cool. Space stations are not static. They grow over time. So you would want to start with perhaps a small space station... and grow it into an enormous space station. And I think players should have that opportunity. They could add greenhouses. They could add labs. They could grow a space station... as big as their imagination. Your kid. You know what, that'll be fine. Because we can get daycare, so that won't be an issue. No, no, no. Your kid right now... his face is all green. Wow, Trev. Trevor. I know. That's not for eating. Yoshi, what's up, man? Good news to report or what? Actually, we have a Skype call we gotta take. But we will call you back. Okay. You'll call me back? - Yeah. - All right. Great. All right, we'll head out. You ready to go? Anthony, of all the days for you to get sent home, it had to be today? Dad, it was a freak accident! Don't! What happened to Trevor? That's real mature, Dad. Hey, Salamander. Hey, Dad! What happened to Trevor? He ate a delicious green marker for lunch. - Why are you here? - Shut up. Em, I thought you had to stay to get ready for your play. I need drugs. Real drugs. The nurse will only give me baby aspirin. What happened to Trevor? Emily, we're not gonna pump you full of medicine. You're not a cyclist. I'm not asking for steroids. I need cough syrup, something. Wait, Dad! How was your interview? It was not a good fit. But, you know? We'll see what happens. It was fine. Try again next time. - Hello. - Hi, Mr. Brand. I know she's not 100%, but... as they say, the show must go on. So, if you could get her back here by 3:00 for hair and makeup... that would be tremendous. Em, you look terrible. Maybe you should have your understudy do it? No! Nobody wears those tights but me. Pharmacy, pronto! Nobody wears the tights but her. Any available cashier to register two. Extra strength or regular? What do you think? Excuse me. Do you have a Bumble Bee pacifier? Does it have to be Bumble Bee? It has to be the Bumble Bee. Yes, because this ain't gonna last. Thank you. Hey, how'd the reading go? It could've gone better. Honey, I'm sure it was great. Well... Well, you know what, I'm sure it was not that bad, really. That girl with the awful hair, I think. No, no. I thought, maybe... No, it's bad. - It was bad. It was lose-my-job bad. - Really? Anthony, come on! No, please. Stop it. - No, I'm just... - Stop it! What are you doing? Why is Anthony with you? He was suspended from school... for destroying school property. - What? What happened? - It's fine. It was an accident. I'll tell you about it later. Okay, so, Em is getting her cough syrup. I'm taking Anthony to his driver's test. And, good news! 50 kids are coming over tonight. The party is on! Boy, this is... - Maybe I should meet you. I'm not far. - It's fine! Hon, I'm totally... Hold on. No, we don't have one. Daddy wishes he could swear right now. Question. Permanent marker, do you know if it's poisonous? Because he might have ingested some. What? - Ben! - Honey, honey... - I'm coming! - No, no, no! I'm good. Tell Trevor Mama's on her way! Nobody's home. Call 'em, dude. Anthony, are you sure you're up for this today? Dad, it's now or never. I promised Celia. All right. Well, anything worth doing is worth doing well. Try not to kill anybody. Hello. Yeah. I'm not gonna be back for a while, so, the gate's open. Just go in, start setting everything up. Are you sure you guys can handle this? Yeah, yeah, no problem. We'll be ready to party. Okay. - Okay, great. - See you later. Thanks. - Let's do this. - Yeah. Emily, just the recommended dosage, please. That stuff's pretty strong. Hi, guys. Hey, there's Mama. Why is my baby green? Well, things went a little awry today. Honey. - Look who it is. - Ben, he's green. - I know. - What is this? It's marker. It's fine. How did it go? How was the reading? It was awful. I think I pretty much flushed my career down the potty. Why, what happened? Never mind. Can I have the wipes? - Dad! - Sorry. I'm sorry. I told you this day was cursed. Sorry. Cooper. Anthony Cooper. - All right, wish me luck. - Good luck, baby. - Here you go. - Anthony Cooper. Wait, Anthony! Please don't do it today. You're gonna fail. Alexander... give your brother some space, please. Yeah, the next time you see this face, it's gonna be on my driver's license. It's not coming off. Just hurry up! I need to get to my play. What kind of a person... It's not poisonous. I don't think it's poisonous. Hi, I'm Anthony. I'm really excited... There are only two things you need to know. My name is Ms. Suggs and I'll be your driving examiner. Now, you may be the big man on campus out there... but in this minivan, I'm the B.M.O.C. You get me? Now put your hands at 10 and 2, and show me what you can do. Hi, Mom, how you doing? How's your day going so far? - Okay, I'm just gonna... - What? Just make this little call. Okay. Yeah, it's... Cooper! Where are you? My family had a little situation, so... Really? That's funny. Because we're having a little bit of a situation here! The phones are going crazy. What happened at that reading? Well, it was a really good crowd. It was a big, big crowd. Big turnout. And the parents seemed to have a lot to say. - They responded. - Did they? Did they respond to Dick Van Dyke asking their toddlers... if they could take a dump like a dog? I thought I could count on you. We'll discuss this later. I look forward to... I look forward to that. Tell me something, Anthony. Are you a senior citizen? No, ma'am. Well, then why are you driving 15 miles an hour in a 25 mile zone? Come on, speed it up. That's right. That is right. Boy. Change lanes. Now, I want you to take a right up here. All right. Okay. Celia's calling. It's my girlfriend. Probably wants to talk prom plans. Tonight's the prom. Well, I'll just ignore that. It seems like she's very anxious to talk to you. No. No, no. I'm driving. I would never answer the phone when I'm driving. - No. - No matter what circumstance. But, you know, proms don't happen every day. That's true. You sure? It'll just be super quick. It's not... What's important to you is important to me. Right? Hey, Celia. I can't really talk right now, but... - Put the phone down! - What? Put the mobile device down now! Eyes on the road! No, no! You're gonna kill us! What is wrong with you? What are you doing? What are you... What are you doing? You fool! You tricked me! Get outta this car. - You get out of this car. - You're evil! You prom creep! - I don't think he passed. - Get out! Get out! This is your fault. If you hadn't caused a fight between me and Celia... I would've never picked up that call... - and failed my test. - No, no, no. Anthony, you are not passing the blame on this one. I told you today might not be a good day to take the test. Dad, I had to take the test today. No, you didn't have to take the test today. It is all Alexander's fault. If he hadn't dropped Trevor's paci down the disposal... I never would have rehearsed in a cold car and gotten sick. That's also your fault. If you hadn't left the battery on in my car all night... I wouldn't have been late to work... and Dick Van Dyke wouldn't be mad at me. Chim Chiminey wants to kill me! Can you imagine? Mom, Trevor was crying! Where was I supposed to rehearse? How were you able to hit every parking meter on that street? When I was in the bathroom this morning, Mom saw me naked! I don't think you left a speck of paint! Her fault! She's an evil woman. One right after the other. Stop, you guys! Okay, stop! It was my fault. I'm to blame for all of it. For everything. Yeah, see? I told you. No, hold on, hold on. Alexander, what are you saying? Okay, look. Last night I made myself a birthday sundae and I made a wish on a candle... and I think I cursed this day for all of you. - You did what? - I'm sorry. I just wanted you guys to know what it was like... to have a massively horrible, terrible day. So I wished it... and now you're all having one. Alexander, as incredible as it would be... for you to have that kind of supernatural ability... I don't think you can actually curse a day, buddy. Yeah, sweetie, this isn't your fault. We just bit off more than we could chew today... and it isn't going our way. No, look, I did curse the day. I don't know how, but I did, and it worked. And now Emily's gonna miss her play... and Anthony's not gonna be able to drive Celia to the prom. He's been waiting all year to make out with her in the back of the van. Okay, we don't need to hear that. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Just forget my party. It'll be a disaster anyway. Apology not accepted. Look... this day is not ruined, because this day is not over yet. Dad, you're so right. I may be sick, but there's no way I'm missing opening night. I may have wrecked the van... but I'm not missing prom with Celia. I can't. Look, we are not going to let this day get the better of us. It's like last week at Target when Dad lost Trevor for 45 minutes. - Okay. - Yeah. And the store manager wanted to call the cops... but Dad said, "No!" - We found him. - "We are gonna keep looking." We will keep looking for my baby? "We will find my baby." They sealed the doors. It was fine. - What's wrong with you? - Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay, guys, okay. It's past 3:00, so if we're gonna go, we gotta do this now. Are we ready, Coopers? All right! Clap those hands if you believe in fairies! Emily, are you okay? Mom! Positivism. Let's do this thing. Get in there, get in there. - Buckle, buckle! - Buckle, buckle! Go, go, go, go, go! It seems we may have accidentally given your tux away. Well, get it back. Sir, I cannot un-tux a client. My sister's Peter Pan and we've got 10 minutes till curtain. You better un-tux something. There is one option. You might be able to pull it off. All right, fire up. Come on, let's go. Coopers on the move! We got it. All right. Anthony, find a seat. Break a leg, Em. I'm here! Get some more of this. Honey? Hon, hon. Em. Em. Sweetie, I think you've had plenty of that. It's okay, honey. - Peter Pan is here, everybody! - Excuse me, people. - Everybody, Peter's here! - Excuse us, excuse us. - You look so pretty. - Superstar coming through. Superstar Excuse me, everyone. All right. I love your outfit. Okay. I said 3:00. You have no idea the kind of day we are having. It's a miracle we're here. Well, you're late, which is not professional behavior. No! And it's not professional... because this is an eighth grade production of Peter Pan. And if you could take one look at our minivan... Mr. Brand, I am not somebody that you wanna mess with right now. So grab her some green tights and a harness... and fire up her Tinker Bell! As soon as you have your costumes on... go for your hair. Way to go, Daddy-O! - Break a leg, sweetie. - Good luck! Show's about to start, Emily. We've got to get you going. Everything's under control. Yeah. You okay? Yeah. - I'm excited about this. - Yeah. It's gonna be great. Yeah, I think so. Good night, Mother. Good night, Father. Now, you two be quiet and I'll tell you a story. What sort of story? The best sort. One filled with magic and fairies and savage pirates... called Never Never Land. Hi, hello! No! I'm a little boy named Peter Pan! - Hello! How are you? - What's wrong with her? It must be the cough syrup. So good to see you. Peter Pan is in the house! Think of a wonderful thought Get the hook and get her down! Any merry little thought - Oh, no! - Hook her down! Hook her! I'm floating. I'm floating. Get her! Reindeer in the sky Let go! - Get her down! - Let go of me! Let go of me right now! Let go! Everybody, fly! She's okay. She's all right. There she is. Ta-da! Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Oh, my God, Josephine, hi! Daniel, hi! Hi! Hello, everybody. Take some pixie dust! Thank you, thank you! How much cough syrup did she have? Clearly, way too much. There she is. - Hi! - Hey, honey. Wow. Well, that was an incredible thing to watch. I think I broke Captain Hook's nose. Sweetie, it's not your fault. We shouldn't have let you go out there today. No, you can't fool around with medicine, hon. Emily. Emily. Dude, you crushed it! I gotta change into my tux. - Mr. Brand? - Not now. Can't speak. Honey, it's all going to be okay. Trust me. Love you, Dad. Love you, too. Okay, sweetie. Okay, honey. That felt good. You get that out. Let's go outside and get you some air. I'm sorry. No, honey, it's fine. - Okay. - It's fine. When did she start eating carrots? Your sister has excellent aim. Can I have another towel? Thanks. Oh, man. Hello? Hey, Greg. No, now's a fine time. You did? No, I'm not surprised. I thought it was a killer interview also. You wanna meet? Okay. Well, now actually isn't a really good time. No. No, no, no. - Go, go, go! - Drinks at Nagamaki? - Go! - Could you hold on a second, Greg? Alexander, I appreciate what you're trying to do... but our plate is full. We got too much going on tonight, kiddo. Dad, curse or no curse... just go for it! Greg, we're gonna go for it. Yeah, I will see you at Nagamaki later, okay? Okay. Good. I look forward to it. Thanks. Bye-bye. Awesome! Okay. I reek. You do. Look. Wait. This looks like your size. I'm not going to wear a pirate blouse. Pirate or puke, your choice. It's okay, Em. It took a lot of courage to fly out on that stage tonight. Do you have any idea how proud we are of you? You've always just put yourself out there. You are fearless. You're willing to show the world who you really are. That's amazing. But if you're ever about to take the stage on Broadway... and you decide to drink a bottle of cough syrup, give me a call. Let me talk you out of it. Ladies, care to do some pillaging? Okay. All right. All right, how did I end up blue? Celia's gonna love it. It's totally retro. Just own it, kiddo. You look ridiculous. Go get your Duchess, Duke. My little boy... in a tuxedo, going to prom... in sneakers. Wow. You look amazing. What are you wearing? You look like Willy Wonka. I'm trying something different. What's going on? Yeah, I kind of failed my driver's test. You look beautiful, Celia. 'Course I do. Yeah, that's a sick dress. I hope this isn't too much wind for you, Celia. It's actually helping with the vomit smell. So is everybody hungry? - I am. - I am. They're coming to dinner? Don't worry. They're not gonna sit at our table. - How about some music? - Yes. Yes. No surprise, the radio's broken. This is just something that we do for fun sometimes. Figured it'd make you laugh. We're going to Nagamaki! What? Are you kidding me? - Nagamaki! - They cook it on the table. They cook it right on the table. Like a fondue, but not. Supposed to be a very authentic Japanese restaurant. - Be careful. - Yes, sir. Thank you. Konnichiwa. Welcome to Nagamaki! Table for two, please. Right this way. There they are. You okay? Yeah. Honey, come on. Ben, you're the smartest guy I know. You're literally a rocket scientist. You've got these guys. Is it better tucked in? You hesitated. Here we go. - Go get them, buccaneer. - Thanks. Bye. - Good luck. - Good luck, good luck. Hey, fellas. Is that a pirate's blouse? Yaar! Yes, it be! Yaar-some! Climb aboard, matey! How's he doing? He looks like he's having fun. He does? They look impressed. Good. That is exactly what I am talking about. You have multi-players... Survivor-style. It's Survivor on a space station. That's so cool. Multi-player. What do you think? - Yoshi's gonna flip. - It would be sick. To Ben. The space pirates. - Space pirates. - Space pirate. Are you sure you're not adopted? You should try a shrimp. They're really good. I'm allergic to shrimp. You should know what your girlfriend's allergic to. Yeah, sorry. X-O-X-O? Anthony, I just can't believe, on the most important night of our lives... you brought me to a place where I have to watch my food... get cooked in front of me. Who goes to Nagamaki before the prom? It's so amazing, okay? Look! It's Hope and Dale and Heather and Dave! Hey, guys. Hey, Celia. What's up, Anthony? O-M-G! You look beautiful. - Love it. - Thanks. Don't you guys just love this place? Totally. I die for it. Oh, my God, me too. I'll catch you guys later? Okay. Space pirate! Space pirate! Space pirate! Sake bomb! It sounds like it couldn't be going better. Chef Ananda! Shrimp me. You ready? Yeah, I'm ready. One! That was one. Yeah! Fire it up! Three! Four! Keep it going. Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! Ten! Mom, Dad's on fire! I hope so! No, no, no. He's really on fire! Drop and roll, Ben. Drop and roll. Drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll, honey. Dad? I still have me arms! Thank you for your time. Nice job, you really nailed it. Really nailed it, Ben! You know who you are? You're the flaming pirate of Nagamaki! Thank you! - Dad! - Hey, guys. Are you okay? Yeah! I'm good. I'm fine. It's all good. It's all good. Dad... you don't always have to steer your ship with positivity! You keep us up and we really appreciate it. But some days are just bad. Nothing can fix it. Trust me. I would know. At least we're all together now. It's my job to take care of you guys. And, make sure you don't have bad days. - And when you do, it's on me! - Ben. I think that you just... got to have the bad days so you can love the good days even more. This day has been terrible! Terrible day. Yeah! A horrible day! A no-good... Very bad day! You know what I think? I think this day sucks! Yes! It does. Thank you! I love you guys. Come here. Can't breathe! - You sure? - Yeah, totally. Come with us. Okay, cool. All right, so, good news. They have room... and they said we could go with them. I don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? We're not going in some busted-up minivan with your crazy family. You know what, go without me. Excuse me? You want me to go to the prom without you? Yes. That's what I want. I'm sticking with my family tonight. You're choosing them over me? Yes, Celia. I am. Because they're my family. And if they're crazy, then I guess it makes me crazy, too. Have fun at the prom, Duchess. What are you doing? Forget it. So, what? No prom? It's junior prom. The real one's next year. What about Celia? I realized there's more important things than Celia. - You sure? - Very. Good to have you on board. Thanks, Dad. What was that for? I didn't wish you happy birthday yet. When there's a smile in your heart There's no better way to start Think of all the joy you'll find When you leave your past behind How did he get in there? It's okay. Dad, be careful. There it goes. It's okay. Stay behind me. Wow. Guys, there is a kangaroo out there. And an emu. I don't think they were meant to be presented in quite this way. And a wallaby. Wow, you really know your animals. Yeah, they're all Australian. What's going on? I don't think they were meant to be presented in quite this way. - No. - Hi! You must be the Coopers. Hey, yeah! This was supposed to be a petting zoo? A confined Australian petting zoo. Yeah, it is. One of the pens was open and the kangaroo got out. Yeah, the kangaroo. There was also a crocodile in our entry hall. So sorry about that. We had him in the pool, and we got distracted. You don't have to worry about it. I'll put him back in the pen. Okay, you got him from here on out? - Yeah! - Okay, great. Thanks. We got you, Mr. Cooper. - It'll be fine, right? - Yeah. - I don't think he's gonna get out again. - No. You guys did all of this for me? Yeah! Your mom and I thought you might enjoy a night in the Outback. You can pet him if you want. His name's Winston. Hello, Winston. This is amazing. Okay, guys? We've got guests coming any minute. So here's what we have to do. Emily, you're on music. Anthony, fire up the barbie. Mom, snacks. Alexander, why don't you help Mom keep Trevor away from anything that will eat him? Baby safety. 10-4. I think we're all good now. Super Coopers! Lenny! Get back here. Lenny! Someone get him! - I am on it! - Ben! Lenny! - Ben! - Dad? Lenny! Okay! That was pretty good! Where are you? Where are you? Hey! Hey there... party kangaroo. I'm Ben... and I want you to join me... back at the party. Yeah! Nice work, Mr. Cooper. Thank you, Dwayne. Come here, Lenny. Here we go. What's up, man? Pretty cool, huh? This party's gonna be killer, dude. Hey, guys! Your dad is hardcore! Dude, did you see that? - Hey! Hey! - G'day. You must be my Australian cowboys. - We sure are. - Awesome! Wow! You guys are in good shape. Hey, Nina, how are you? It's the video game guys! - Yeah. - No, it's a great time to talk. No. Just a little bit of the hair was singed. - Really? - I know. I know that was a lot of shrimp! Dude! Hey, you came! Happy birthday! This looks amazing! Yeah, thanks. Look, this has been a really, really crazy day. Looks like it turned out pretty good to me. Yeah. Have a good weekend, Nina... Have a good weekend, Greg. - And thank you for everything. - Thank you for your call. Thanks. How are you? How was that call? It was great. I got the job! - You got the job? - Yeah. It's fantastic! They thought I was fun! Even after you singed your arms... Even after the thing and the thing. "I still have me arms"? I was a fiery pirate! They loved it! Wow! You know what the best thing is? As long as I'm getting the work done... I can make my own hours. I'll be able to still do carpool and see the kids all the time. Wow, I am so happy for you. What about you? What about your call? How did it go? Dick Van Dyke's reading went viral. 500,000 hits today. You're kidding me. Nina says the book is gonna be huge. That is fantastic, sweetie! Yeah... it's great! I cannot believe we pulled this party off. We really turned this day around. What's that? What are they doing? That's the Thunder from Down Under. They're supposed to be authentic Australian cowboys. They're not. No, no, no! Guys? Guys, PG! PG! Keep it PG! Please! Oh, no. Go, Alex! Go, Alex! Go, Alex! Go, Alex! Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you After today, I know that... even terrible days aren't so bad when you're surrounded by the people you love. Make a wish, kiddo. Because it turns out... the worse things are... the better this family gets. To more days like this. No! - What are you talking about? - Okay, okay. For us, this bad day... was the best day ever!