It Was a Dark and Stormy Day

[The opening teaser:]

Becky: Oh Jess, this is gonna be great, the boys' first night in their new beds: golden footage.

Jesse: [with a camera in his hand] Yeah. I can see it now. Nicky and Alex Katsopolis are... the young and the tired. Right, here we go. Lights, camera, cuteness. [walking into the boys' room] Cuteness. Either they're gone or I left the lens cap on.

Becky: [removing the lens cap] Both.

[Becky turns on the light, and they hear the twins laughing.] Jess, look. [She points to their own bed, where they see wiggling under the covers, and they run over.]

Jesse: The two biggest bedbugs I ever saw.

Becky: [lifts the blanket] We found you.

Alex: Hi, big daddy.

Jesse: Uh-uh, don't 'big daddy' me. Don't 'big daddy' me.

Becky: You are supposed to be in your own beds!

Jesse: That's right, you are going to your own bed.

Alex: No, big bed.

Jesse: No big bed. You go in your bed.

Nicky & Alex: Big bed.

Jesse: Hey! Now, I'm not kidding, get out of there. [The twins crawl back under the blanket...] Okay Beck, cover me, I'm going in. [He and Becky crawl under the blanket...]

Becky: Alright, I'll head 'em off at the pass!

[At Camp Lakota...]

Michelle: Don't forget this. Goodbye, Danielle.

Danielle: Goodbye, Michelle.

Michelle: I can't believe camp is over tomorrow. Thanks for teaching me how to para-spit.

[They shake hands and Michelle walks to Denise...]

Michelle: Goodbye, Denise, I'm gonna miss you so much.

Denise: But I live right down the block.

Michelle: I know, but now we can't scratch each other's mosquito bites.

[Denise starts scratching Michelle's back, as Stephanie walks in...]

Stephanie: Hey guys. Hey Michelle, have you said goodbye to all of your chickerdee bunk mates?

Michelle: Not yet, there is still one more. [She takes a cage with a rabbit.] Goodbye, Gilbert. I'd write you every day, but you'd just eat the paper.

Stephanie: I know how you feel, kid, I made a few good friends myself this summer. [She starts counting friendship bracelets of all the boys she made friends with.] David, Billy, Sean, Gregg. Good thing I played hard to get.

[D.J. and Kimmy walk in...]

D.J.: [claps her hands] Okay, girls. Attention, attention. Lights out in five minutes. It's really important to get plenty of sleep on the last night of camp.

Denise: So we won't be tired tomorrow?

D.J.: So us counselors can party tonight.

D.J. & Kimmy: [as they slap high-fives] Watch out!

Kimmy: All right! [She blows a whistle.] Speed it up, you little twerp-sickles. [to Stephanie] Better get back to your cabin, blondie. Isn't it past your bedtime, too?

Stephanie: You know, Kimmy, you could use a little beauty rest yourself. About a year should bring you up to a 'yuck'.

[Back home, Becky and Jesse can't get to sleep because their twins can't get to sleep. Jesse's words say it all...]

Jesse: Have mercy.

[In the morning, in the kitchen...]

Joey: Jess, you look kind of tired, rough night last night, huh?

Jesse: Yeah. The twins they didn't want to sleep in their new beds last night, so they had to sleep with us. Did you ever spend the whole night with a toe in your ear?

Joey: Well, not someone else's.

Jesse: How is the 'welcome home' meal coming?

Joey: Oh perfect, I made all the girls' favorites. They'll love it.

Jesse: You know, I miss those girls so much. I must have read Michelle's postcard a hundred times. [reading the card] 'Dear family, I have to write this or I can't go to lunch. Love, Michelle.' That munchkin. First time I got through without crying.

Joey: [crying] What are you, a stone?

[Danny enters the house with the girls.]

Danny: They're back! [Becky runs down the stairs with Nicky and Alex, and Jesse and Joey walk in from the kitchen...] All: Hey! Joey: Hey, you guys are back. [All hug and say 'hey'...]

Becky: All right girls, tell us all about camp.

D.J. & Stephanie: [talking at the same time about different things] It was great... It was the best... fishing and stuff... really great... Becky: Maybe I'll just send for the transcript. Michelle: Nicky, Alex, I made you guys a present in arts & crafts. Here is a lion for Nicky, because that's his favorite animal. And a lion for Alex, because that is all they taught us how to make. Becky: Alright you guys, what do you say then to Michelle? Nicky & Alex: Grr. Becky: That is 'lionese' for 'thank you very much'. Okay, beasty boys, you kings of the jungle need a nap, so let's get you into those new beds. Nicky & Alex: Big bed. Becky: No, not the big bed. Your own beds.

[The girls take their stuff and head upstairs to unpack.]

Girls: [singing] We love Camp Lakota, Lakota, Lakota! The camp that we love is Lakota, Lakota! Did we mention that we love Lakota!

[The singing stops.]

Danny: I don't get it. When I was a kid and I came back from Camp Metalarc, I couldn't wait to be home. I was so happy. I kissed my parents, I kissed my bed, I kissed the floor.

Joey: Danny, it was a day camp [confirming he was Danny's camp-mate.]

Danny: Yeah, but it was a very long day.

[In Stephanie and Michelle's room, both girls are unloading their laundry, as D.J. enters.]

D.J.: Hey, Steph, do you have those plastic sandals I lent you?

Stephanie: No. But I know where they are.

D.J.: Great. Where are they?

Stephanie: At the bottom of the lake.

D.J.: [scoffs] I told you they wouldn't fit!

Stephanie: It's not my fault you have big feet!

D.J.: Well, I'm not gonna lend you any more stuff!

[Both Stephanie and her former roommate begin arguing, but all that does is upset her current roommate.]

Michelle: Quiet! You're scaring Gilbert!

D.J.: Sorry, Michelle. We didn't mean to scare... [pauses & with Stephanie] "Gilbert?" [by herself] Floppy-eared, sniffle-nosed, carrot-breath Gilbert?

Michelle: Easy. He's very sensitive about his breath.

D.J.: Michelle, you were supposed to let him go at the camp.

Michelle: I tried, but he didn't want to. It was his decision.

Stephanie: [as she rolls her eyes in disgust] Oh, come on.

Michelle: It's true. I asked him if he wanted to go back into the woods, and he went... [imitates a rabbit]

[When Danny says that Gilbert needs to be with his friends, Michelle says that she is his friend.]

Danny: No, I mean his forest friends. You know, the ones with fur and four legs, who breed indiscriminately. Honey, you know where he belongs, and it's not in a gym bag [in which she brought him home].

[The girls head back to Camp Lakota on this dark and stormy night. They then find a cabin – one that may look familiar to them. D.J. turns on the lights.]

D.J.: Well we're wet, but we're back. It looks so weird in here.

Michelle: Everything looks so different.

Stephanie: Well, that's because we're not here anymore.

Michelle: Sure feels like we're here.

Stephanie: Fine, we're here. Let's just dump the bunny and split.

[Michelle goes to get Gilbert out of his box.]

Michelle: Uh, guys, somebody is missing.

D.J.: Gilbert chewed right through the box. Boy, isn't that just like a rabbit.

Michelle: [sadly, as she throws down his chewed carrot] I never got a chance to say goodbye.

[In the twins' bedroom...]

Jesse: [lying on Nicky's bed] Okay, come on now. Now, let's uh, let's get the boys to s-l-e-e-p, so we can get the h-e-c-k o-u-t.

Becky: [lying on Alex's bed] Okay, f-i-r-s-t w-e s-h-o-u-l-d...

Jesse: Hold on, let me get a crayon.

Becky: Honey, never mind, let's just get on with this, I'm exhausted. [She closes her eyes.]

Jesse: Okay, come on. Let's go to sleep, go a sleep in our race car beds, okay, and we're gonna race on to sleep. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom.

Alex: Bad bed.

Nicky: Yucky bed.

Jesse: No, no, no, son. It's not a yucky bed. It's nice bed, comfy bed, expensive bed.

[Michelle is worried that a character from a scary story may be outside.]

Stephanie: [regarding the "Mud Man"] Michelle, there is no 'Cropsy Maniac'. That's just a story that counselors tell kids to shut them up so they can make out.

[The girls and Steve hear footsteps in the mud and look scared...]

D.J.: What was that?

Steve: It was probably just the wind.

Stephanie: Just the wind? Just the wind? It's never just the wind!

[The girls grab a broom to fight off the "Mud Man/Cropsy Maniac" outside, when Steve has another idea.]

Steve: Don't worry girls, I was on the wrestling team for two years. [The door starts to open.] Uh, three years would've been better. [The door opens and the girls scream. Steve starts to wrestle the "Mud Man/Cropsy Maniac", but it just turns out to be Joey covered in mud.]

Danny: It’s like when you go to the movies. When the show is over, you know the magic’s all gone. All that’s left is just a big empty room with a sticky floor.