Ballad

1x10 - Ballad Air Date: November 18, 2009

Written By: Brad Falchuk Directed By: Brad Falchuk Transcribed By: silencefromthesky

Featured Music:

Diana Ross and Lionel Richie - Endless Love The Pretenders - I’ll Stand by You The Police - Don’t Stand So Close to Me / Gary Puckett & The Union Gap - Young Girl Jennifer Paige - Crush Paul Anka - (You’re) Having My Baby Bill Withers - Lean on Me Disclaimer: The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by Ryan Murphy, all rights reserved. This transcript is not authorized or endorsed by Ryan Murphy or Fox.

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ANNOUNCER: Here’s what you missed last week: Quinn’s pregnant, and Puck’s the father, but everybody thinks it’s Finn.

PUCK: You’re a punk who doesn’t deserve to have Quinn as his girlfriend.

ANNOUNCER: Except for Quinn’s parents, who don’t know anything… at all. They just know she’s in the Celibacy Club.

PUCK: Well, call the Vatican! We got ourselves another immaculate conception.

And that’s what you missed on…

??Glee.??

(school bell ringing)

INT. GLEE ROOM

MR. SCHUESTER: Ballad. From Middle English, balade. Who knows what this word means?

BRITTANY: It’s a male duck.

MR. SCHUESTER: Kurt.

KURT: A ballad is a love song.

MR. SCHUESTER: Sometimes, but they don’t always express love. Ballads are stories set to music—which is why they’re the perfect storm of self-expression. Stories and music are the way we express feelings that we can’t get out any other way. Okay, now, sectionals are in a few weeks and there’s a new rule this year– we have to perform… a ballad.

RACHEL: Looks like my weekly letter to the Ohio Show Choir Committee finally paid off!

MR. SCHUESTER: Okay. So here’s our assignment for the week: I’m going to pair you off, and I want you to pick a ballad to sing to your partner. Look them right in the eye, find the emotion you want to express, and make them feel it.

FINN: I pick Quinn.

MR. SCHUESTER: No, no, no. Too easy. Your partners will be chosen by fate.

ALL: Ooh!

MR. SCHUESTER: Ooh, yeah. I put all your names in this hat. Whoever you choose is your partner.

BRITTANY: I bet the duck’s in the hat.

SANTANA: But Matt’s out sick today. He had to go to the hospital, ‘cause they

found a spider in his ear.

MR. SCHUESTER: Um… I guess I’ll just have to put my name in the hat for now.

Who’s up first? (drumming with hands)

(the Glee club goes up, one by one, and picks a name out of the hat.)

PUCK: Mercedes.

MR. SCHUESTER: All right.

ARTIE: Quinn.

FINN: Kurt.

(the Glee club laughs)

Mr. Schue, I don’t know if I can do this with another guy.

MR. SCHUESTER: The fates have spoken, Finn.

TINA: Other Asian.

SANTANA: Brittany. (gasps)

MR. SCHUESTER: How fitting.

BRITTANY: Yay! No way.

RACHEL: Looks like I get you, Mr. Schue.

MR. SCHUESTER: Uh… you know what? Maybe we should just wait until Matt gets

back.

FINN: The fates talked, Mr. Schue.

(laughter)

ARTIE: Would you mind clarifying what kinds of songs you want us to sing?

RACHEL: Why don’t you let Mr. Schuester and I demonstrate. Brad, “Endless Love”

in B-flat, please. It’s my favorite duet.

MR. SCHUESTER: I really don’t think that’s an appropriate song, Rachel.

RACHEL: Why? It’s a great song, and it’s a perfect ballad.

FINN: Yeah. I really like that song, Mr. Schue.

(laughter)

(Rachel and Will sing Endless Love)

MR. SCHUESTER: ?? My love… ??

KURT: [voiceover] I could totally sing this song with Finn. But screw him if he’s thinks he’s taking the Diana Ross part from me.

?? The only thing that’s right… ??

PUCK: [voiceover] I love the days when I don’t wear underwear. Full commando!

RACHEL: ?? My first love… ??

FINN: [voiceover] I never noticed how nice Rachel’s butt is. Oh, crap, I think Quinn knows I’m staring at it.

RACHEL: ?? You’re every breath that I take ??

?? You’re every step I make ??

MR. SCHUESTER: ?? And I ??

?? I want to share ??

BOTH: ?? All my love with you ??

MR. SCHUESTER: ?? No one else will do ??

RACHEL:?? And your eyes ??

MR. SCHUESTER:?? Your eyes, your eyes ??

BOTH: ?? They tell me how much you care ??

?? Oh, yeah… ??

RACHEL: [voiceover] Wow. I’ve never noticed this before, because he’s always trying to destroy my career, but Mr. Shue has really pretty eyes.

BOTH: ?? My endless love… ??

RACHEL: [voiceover] And really nice teeth. He’s obviously invested in good oral hygiene, and that’s important to me. It shows wonderful self-esteem.

BOTH: ?? I’ll be that fool ??

?? For you ??

?? I’m sure ??

WILL: [voiceover] I don’t like the way she’s looking at me. Oh, I shouldn’t have sung this song to her. Crap! She looks crazy right now. I know this look.

RACHEL: ?? Yes ??

?? You’ll be the only one ??

?? Oh ??

MR. SCHUESTER:?? 'Cause no ??

RACHEL: ?? No one can’t deny ??

BOTH: ?? This love I have inside ??

?? And I’ll give it all to you ??

MR. SCHUESTER: ?? My love ??

RACHEL: ?? My love, my love ??

BOTH: ?? My endless love. ??

RACHEL: [voiceover] Okay, this is amazing. When I’m singing with him, it’s like I’m seeing him for the first time. And what I’m seeing is super… super cute.

(song ends)

MR. SCHUESTER: Okay. Something like that.

(Will clears throat)

CUT TO INT. FABRAY HOUSE

QUINN is trying on her dress for the Chastity Ball.

JUDY FABRAY: Sweetie, I’ m so proud of you. The Chastity Ball is so important to your father.

QUINN: [voiceover] God, I miss the firm support of my polyester Cheerios uniform! The control panel hid my baby bump perfectly.

JUDY: (zipping QUINN’s dress) That’s odd. We had this custom-made a month ago.

QUINN: I had a really big lunch today at school. Really big tacos.

JUDY: (JUDY feels QUINN’s stomach and realizes she’s pregnant, but decides to ignore it.) No worries, sweetie. I’ll just take it down to the tailor tomorrow. We’ll let it out a little bit. The problem here, honey, is, you know, I just don’t think you’ve been getting enough exercise ever since you quit the Cheerios. Am I right?

QUINN: Yeah. Yeah. That’s right.

JUDY: I mean, you used to spend hours every day doing backflips and high kicks, and now, I mean, now you spend all your free time sitting on a stool in the dark singing show tunes. Do you know how many calories you burn singing? Hmm? Not very many.

RUSSELL FABRAY: Judy! Glenn Beck is on! (gasps) Oh! Wait. Hold on. Hold on. (covering his eyes) (laughing). Oh, I don’t want to see!

QUINN: Daddy, it’s not like we’re getting married.

RUSSELL: I don’t want– (looking at QUINN) oh. Oh, look at you. Speaking of getting married, how’s that boy you’ve been dating?

JUDY: Yeah. Yeah. He’s not, uh, pressuring you at all, is he?

QUINN: No! No, he’s a gentleman.

RUSSELL: I’m glad to hear that. Mm-hmm. That’s why I’m inviting him over for dinner on Sunday. Oh!

JUDY: Wonderful!

RUSSELL: Refresher?

JUDY: Honey, I don’t want youto lift a finger for me. I’m your wife!

RUSSELL: (chuckles) My little lemon drop. Oh! I gotta go catch Glenn. (clears throat) (sighs) (school bell ringing)

CUT TO INT. MR. SCHUESTER’S CLASSROOM

RACHEL: Mr. Schuester?

MR. SCHUESTER: Yeah?

RACHEL: I just wanted to confirm that we’re set to rehearse our ballad at 4 sharp this afternoon.

MR. SCHUESTER: Oh. Isn’t Matt back yet?

RACHEL: No, it’s just… you and me, all week long.

MR. SCHUESTER: Great. Well… I’ll see you at 4. ….Is there something else?

RACHEL: I just wanted to give you this. (hands MR. SCHUESTER a box) Open it. (MR. SCHUESTER takes a tie out of the box; it has gold stars all over it.) Gold stars are kind of my signature thing. I figure every time you wear it, you can think of me and the star you’re helping me become.

CUT TO INT. EMMA’S OFFICE

MR. SCHUESTER: It’s happening…again. It always starts with a novelty gift.

EMMA: I mean, you can’t blame her, Will. I mean, if we were going to rank crushworthy teachers at this school, you’d be number one with a bullet. Uh… well, I…when did, when did this start with Rachel?

MR. SCHUESTER: We sang a duet in Glee Club—"Endless Love.“

EMMA: Okay, in hindsight, that was probably a mistake.

MR. SCHUESTER: Yeah. I can’t handle going through this again.

EMMA: Sorry, going through, um, going through what again?

MR. SCHUESTER: Have I ever told you about…Suzy Pepper? (Emma shakes her head.)

FLASHBACK - CUT TO INT. WILL’S CLASSROOM

MR. SCHUESTER: So the alpacas start there and, uh, travel down towards Guatemala. [voiceover] Suzy Pepper wasn’t the first schoolgirl crush, but she was the hardest. It happened about two years ago, before you were a teacher here. Suzy was… unique.

SUZY: Mr. Schue, how do you conjugate the verb…to love?

(giving Mr. Schuester a tie) Peppers. So you can wear them and think of me–Suzy Pepper.

MR. SCHUESTER: I thought it would burn out like the others, but it only got worse.

CUT TO INT. WILL’S BEDROOM

(phone ringing) (groans)

MR. SCHUESTER: Hello?

(heavy breathing)

TERRI: Who is it? Who died?

(heavy breathing continues)

MR. SCHUESTER: Suzy Pepper?

SUZY: You knew it was me just by the sound of my breath. That’s so romantic.

TERRI: Listen, you little psycho, this is Will’s wife. And if I don’t get enough sleep, my anti-depressants won’t work, and then I’ll go crazy and I’ll kill you.

MR. SCHUESTER: Terri…

TERRI: Stop calling! (sighs) Can’t you handle anything, Will?

CUT TO INT. HALLWAY—SUZY’S LOCKER

MR. SCHUESTER: [voiceover] Terri was right– (school bell ringing) or so I thought. I decided to be honest with Suzy, face this head-on.

CUT TO INT. EMMA’S OFFICE

EMMA: Okay. How’d that go?

CUT TO INT. HALLWAY

(Suzy is sobbing, listening to her iPod)

?? How easy ?? (crying) (thud) (groans)

?? It would be to show me how you feel ??

?? More than words ??

?? Is all you have to do to make it real ??

?? Then you wouldn’t have to say ??

?? That you… ??

(Suzy eats a pepper, her face turning red.)

END FLASHBACK

MR. SCHUESTER: It was the world’s hottest pepper. She had it shipped from Sinaloa, Mexico.

EMMA: Oh, no. Oh, gosh. What happened to her?

MR. SCHUESTER: Well, the ambulance arrived just in time. The pepper burned holes in her esophagus. And she was in a medically induced coma for three days. That’s why I can’t just tell Rachel to back off. These girls are too fragile.

EMMA: Wow. Okay. How about this? Why don’t you take your own advice. Right? Do what you told the kids to do. If you’re… if you’re feeling awkward telling Rachel how you feel, then why don’t you, um, you know, sing it to her? Let her down gently. And don’t wear that tie.

MR. SCHUESTER: Yeah.

CUT TO INT. AUDITORIUM STAGE

KURT: Sing to me everything you feel.

FINN: Okay. Uh…I can’t. I can’t. I can’t sing to a dude.

KURT: You have to try.

FINN: I can’t, okay! I can’t! I’m sick and tired of people pushing me to be somebody I’m not.

KURT: Your lashing out at me is fantastically compelling and inappropriate.

FINN: Dude, I’m sorry. You’re really awesome, Kurt. I’m just under a load of crap right now.

KURT: Girls. They’re your problem. They’re up, they’re down. Girls.

FINN: (sighs) It’s the baby. She’s my daughter, and…there’s so many things I want to say to her, and I’m never going to be able to.

KURT: Like what?

FINN: Well…like how I don’t want her to think that her father just abandoned her. How I would do anything for her. How, no matter what I do, I’m always thinking about her. How I’m going to spend my whole life loving her, and she’s never even going to know.

KURT: You got to let it out.

FINN: How?

KURT: By singing. "I’ll Stand By You” by the Pretenders. It’s in your wheelhouse, and I know you know it from the radio because it’s a classic. And you do well with the classics, especially in the soft rock mode.

FINN: Yeah, I do like that song, but…how is it going to make me feel better again?

KURT: By singing it out. To the audience. Imagine your little girl sitting there. (Sitting down to the piano) Thank God I never missed a piano lesson. (playing “I’ll Stand By You” intro)

FINN: ?? Oh ??

?? Why you look so sad? ??

?? Tears are in your eyes ??

?? Come on and come to me now ??

?? When the night falls on you ??

?? You don’t know what to do ??

?? Nothing you confess ??

?? Could make me love you less ??

CUT TO INT. FINN’S BEDROOM

(The sonogram of Quinn’s baby is on his laptop. Finn is singing to it.)

?? I’ll stand by you ?? (full band joins in) ?? I’ll stand by you ??

?? Won’t let nobody hurt you ??

?? I’ll stand by you ??

?? Take me in into your darkest hour ??

?? And I’ll never desert you ??

?? I’ll stand by you ??

?? I’ll stand by you ??

?? Won’t let nobody hurt you??

?? I’ll stand by you. ??

(Finn’s mom walks in on him)

CAROLE HUDSON: Finn, what’s going on? What are you doing?

FINN: Uh, nothing.

CAROLE: Were you just singing to a sonogram?

FINN: Uh-huh.

CAROLE: Is Quinn pregnant?

FINN: (sobbing): Mom. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

CAROLE: Shh, shh, shh.

FINN: I screwed up, Mom.

CAROLE: It’s going to be okay.

FINN: I’m so sorry.

CAROLE: Shh, shh, shh.

CUT TO INT. HALLWAY. Finn and Quinn are fighting.

QUINN: I can’t believe you told your mom. What if she tells my mom?

FINN: No, she’s not.

QUINN: Half the school knows. Your mom knows. Who else do you want to tell? Huh?

FINN: But she’s not going to tell anybody.

QUINN: You’re wrong, I’m right. I’m smart, you’re dumb.

TINA: All this baby drama is making my rosacea act up.

MERCEDES: I know. I just feel bad for them, having to go through this on their

own.

KURT: Let me see what I can do. I’ll report back later.

QUINN: No, you’re wrong, I’m right. I’m right, okay?

FINN: She doesn’t talk to other moms.

(QUINN walks away)

KURT: How do you explain her constant irritation with you? It’s because she’s a girl.

FINN: No, I think it’s the pregnancy hormones or something. They make her kind of nuts.

KURT: It’s enough to want to give up women altogether.

FINN: (awkwardly chuckles) Yeah. Anyway, thanks for the advice about singing to the baby like that. Uh, worked like a charm. I owe you one, dude. (pats arm)

KURT: [voiceover] Okay, I’ll admit it. I’m madly in love with Finn. I have been since the first time we met.

FLASHBACK: PUCK slams KURT into a locker.

FINN: (to PUCK) Dude. Impulse control.

KURT: [voiceover] He was my knight in shining armor. My feelings lingered stronger as we bonded over Glee. Then football. Then skin care.

CUT TO INT. LOCKER ROOM

KURT: Your T zone is dangerously dry. (FINN is confused.) Your… your T zone.

FINN: Oh.

KURT: (handing Finn a lotion) Twice a day. It’s very mild and has a built-in

sunblock.

FINN: Cool. Thanks, man.

CUT TO INT. SPANISH CLASS

KURT: [voiceover] I don’t know why I find his stupidity charming. I mean, he’s cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows. I guess that’s love for you.

MR. SCHUESTER: Hey. Eyes on your own paper.

KURT: [voiceover] I know it seems weird that I’m helping Finn with Quinn, but rest assured, it’s all part of a master plan. No matter what I do or how much I assist him with his ballad, she’s going to end up disappointing him and breaking his heart. And then… he’ll be crying into my shoulder pads.

END FLASHBACK.

CUT TO INT. GLEE ROOM.

WILL is walking in with EMMA and RACHEL following.

MR. SCHUESTER: (bell rings) Okay. So I’m really excited. I have picked a medley of songs that’s going to be a fantastic teaching tool about how to sing a great ballad.

RACHEL: Why is Miss Pillsbury here?

EMMA: Uh… um, well, I… I, too, am very curious about the power of the ballad. You know, I’m thinking of doing some career counseling in song.

MR. SCHUESTER: Emma, want to just…?

EMMA: S.A.T. prep…Yeah.

MR. SCHUESTER: Yeah. Okay. Rachel, this is a mash-up of “Young Girl” by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap and the 1980 Police classic, “Don’t Stand So Close to Me.” And I want you to listen very closely to the lyrics because I really mean what I’m singing. Really listen. Okay.

(music plays)

(WILL sings his mash-up.)

(Rachel and Emma sigh.) So, Rachel, do you think you understood the message I

was trying to get across with that ballad?

RACHEL: Yes. It means I’m very young, and it’s hard for you to stand close to me.

MR. SCHUESTER: (sighs) Um, no, um…Emma, would you mind helping me out here? Um, was that the message that you got?

EMMA: You’re a a very good performer. (to Rachel) He’s very good.

RACHEL: Well, I for one can’t wait to go home and work on a medley of my own for tomorrow, because this lesson has given me…a lot to think about. (Walks out of the room)

MR. SCHUESTER: No, Rachel, that really wasn’t the…You…

EMMA: Bravo.

CUT TO INT. FINN’S BASEMENT

FINN: Thanks for coming over, Kurt. I know you’re into fashion and that kind of stuff. And I need to find something nice to wear to the Fabrays’ for dinner, so…

KURT: I couldn’t be more pleased and honored to help you find something vintage and appropriate to wear.

FINN: (opening a chest) Here it is. My mom never had the heart to throw this stuff out. (puts a helmet on KURT) (chuckles) Here, hang on to that for the next time Puck throws you in the dumpster.

KURT: My dad’s the same way. My mom died ten years ago, and he still keeps her toothbrush on the holder by their sink. The broken dresser in their room still smells like her perfume. I know it’s stupid, but sometimes I’ll sneak in there and open all the drawers and lie on the floor and close my eyes and just smell her.

FINN: That’s not stupid. …I guess in a way, I’m lucky I never knew him, you know? (chuckles) Check this out. (Putting on a coat)

KURT: Not half bad. (chuckles) Your father had good taste.

FINN: I can’t believe it fits. (KURT brings him a tie) Uh, thanks. …My father was brave enough to fight in some desert thousands of miles away, and I can’t even go over to Dudley Road and tell the Fabrays the truth.

KURT: Your father didn’t charge into the breach empty-handed. He had a weapon.

FINN: You think I should bring a gun?

KURT: N-No, I think you should use your greatest weapon– your voice.

CUT TO INT. WILL’S APARTMENT

MR. SCHUESTER: (sighs) Hey, sweetie, I’m home. Something smells good. (sighs) (is handed a beer) Oh, thanks.

RACHEL: You’re welcome. Casserole’s almost ready. Hope you like venison.

CUT TO INT. KITCHEN.

Will is talking/arguing with Terri.

MR. SCHUESTER: Why did you even let her in the house?

TERRI: 'Cause she said she was one of your Glee kids. It didn’t take me five minutes to realize she’s in love with you. She asked if she could see your baby pictures.

MR. SCHUESTER: What, so now you’re making her clean our bathroom?

TERRI: Look, Will, I have been dealing with these schoolgirl crushes for years. So why shouldn’t I get a little something out of it?

RACHEL: (entering the kitchen) Do you have any more Ajax?

TERRI: Oh, in the linen closet, sweetie. (Rachel leaves)

MR. SCHUESTER: (mouthing) This is immoral, Terri.

TERRI: No, honey, you know what’s immoral? Its me having to deal with the fact that my husband spends all day with young girls who are perkier and younger than I am. I have a rash on my belly from that cocoa butter that your mother sent me. Do you have any idea how much it burns when I sweat? I can’t scrub the floors as hard as she can.

MR. SCHUESTER: Baby, if it’s that bad, you have to let me see it. It might be infected.

TERRI: What, so now I’m going to show you the bleeding pustules on my skin? Wow, yeah, no, that’s not going to send you into the loving arms of some teenage slut.

MR. SCHUESTER: For the last time, I am not having an affair with any of my students, and you are not allowed to turn one of them into your slave because you have this irrational fear of me leaving you.

TERRI: But why not, huh, if it’s win-win for everyone? Look, she’s a really good cook. Try it. (WILL puts on his coat) …Where are you going?

MR. SCHUESTER: I’m taking Rachel home.

TERRI: Can you ask her to dust the blinds in the craft room first?

CUT TO INT. MR. SCHUESTER’S CAR

RACHEL: Mr. Schuester?

MR. SCHUESTER: Yes, Rachel?

RACHEL: Why do I have to sit in the backseat?

MR. SCHUESTER: Um, it’s the law. Children have to ride in the back.

RACHEL: Children under seven.

MR. SCHUESTER: Well, I’m just concerned for your safety.

RACHEL: Really?

MR. SCHUESTER: Um… no, not really.

RACHEL: I think we should take advantage of this golden alone time and practice our ballad.

MR. SCHUESTER: That would be great, but I don’t have any music in the car.

RACHEL: It’s okay, I made us a CD.

MR. SCHUESTER: Oh.

RACHEL: (starts singing CRUSH by Jennifer Paige.)

(Will turns the music off) It wasn’t finished.

MR. SCHUESTER: Yeah, well, the acoustics are horrible in the car. Put your seat belt back on. So… how’s it going with Puck? Are you guys still seeing each other?

RACHEL: I broke things off. He was too immature, as are all the boys in high school. I need a man who can keep up with me intellectually and creatively.

MR. SCHUESTER: Well, that’s a tough road for most high school boys.

RACHEL: That’s why I have my sights set much higher.

CUT TO INT. HALLWAY - RACHEL’S LOCKER

(school bell ringing)

SUZY: Stay away from him. You’re going to get hurt bad.

RACHEL: You can’t threaten me, Pepper. I’m not afraid of you.

SUZY: You should be.

(camera turns to Mercedes)

MERCEDES: (on the phone, walking to the Glee room) Oh, you’re on the second floor? Oh, you’re right above me. Girl, you? I am a hot damn mess. I found out today that my hamster is pregnant in biology class, and I just started weeping. No, no, I think that’s a great idea.

PUCK: We’re supposed to be rehearsing.

MERCEDES: I’m talking to Tina. (back on the phone) I’ll hit you back. (hangs up) This is bad, dude. All our ballads are terrible 'cause we’re all so distracted. We’re all worried about Finn and and Babygate.We can’t even sing about our emotions 'cause we’re so worried about theirs.

PUCK: Who cares?

MERCEDES: Um, we all do, so we decided we’re all going to sing them a ballad to show that we got their backs.

PUCK: Are you kidding me? There’s no way I’m singing to them. (groans) It’s not fair. Finn gets everything. He gets the sympathy, he gets the girl.

MERCEDES: What is your problem?

PUCK: Finn’s not the father! I am.

MERCEDES: What? All right, look. You need to get something through your Mohawk real quick. You’re the baby’s daddy. It takes a hell of a lot more to be a father, and that role’s already been cast. Because Quinn chose Finn, and you need to accept that and move on 'cause you have no business messing up that girl’s life any more than you already have. You need to back off. You owe her at least that much.

CUT TO INT. FABRAY DINING ROOM

FINN: Mmm, it’s a lovely ham.

JUDY: Thank you.

RUSSELL: There is no beating Judy’s ham.

JUDY: (laughs) Well, I cure all my own meats.

RUSSELL: I’d like to propose a toast.

QUINN: Daddy….no.

JUDY: Russell and his famous toasts. (Russell chuckles)

RUSSELL: (Standing up) The Fabrays are a tight-knit family. I have been blessed with a loving wife, two remarkable daughters. My first married a wonderful Christian man who owns his own chain of UPS stores. My second daughter– little Quinnie– we are just so proud of her. Captain of the Cheerios. President of the Celibacy Club. (heart thumping) I got a little peek at the dress. I’m certain she’s a shoo-in for princess of the…

JUDY: She is.

RUSSELL: (chuckles) But tonight we are very glad to welcome her new friend–quarterback, no less.

FINN: (Abruptly standing up) I have to go to the bathroom. Uh… too much pop.

JUDY: Oh, wait, it’s right through the kitchen, sweetheart.

RUSSELL: He wears a helmet when he plays, right?

QUINN: He’s just intimidated by you, Daddy.

CUT TO INT. KURT’S BEDROOM/FABRAY BATHROOM

(panting) (phone ringing)

KURT: Well, hello, Finn Hudson.

FINN: I’m at the Fabrays and I’m freaking out. What does a heart attack feel like?

KURT: Settle down, cowboy. This is why we burned the disc and spent all that time rehearsing.

FINN: I can’t do it.

KURT: Yes, you can. Just remember the power of the ballad.

FINN: I have to go; they’ll think I’m pooping. (Hangs up.)

(exhales) (martial arts grunting) Ha! (panting)

CUT TO INT. FABRAY DINING ROOM

Finn comes out of the kitchen, holding a radio.

JUDY: That’s my kitchen radio.

FINN: Yeah, I need to borrow it.

QUINN: Finn, what’s this?

FINN: Well, we have this assignment in Glee Club to sing a ballad. They’re all about expressing the things you can’t find any other way to say.

QUINN: Oh, God, Finn, don’t. Please, don’t.

FINN: No, I need to do this for both of us.

(Sings YOU’RE HAVING MY BABY by Paul Anka.)

(Russell turns the music off)

CUT TO INT. FABRAY LIVING ROOM

JUDY: There must be some sort of mistake here. Quinnie, we raised you right.

FINN: You…you did. We didn’t even have …sex…

JUDY: I’m sorry. Can we just stop with the lying, please?

QUINN: But I…

RUSSELL: When you were about five years old, I took you and your sister down to an Indians game. All the other dads brought their sons, but my two girls were enough for me.

QUINN: Daddy.

RUSSELL: Your sister made it through the whole game, but you fell asleep in my lap. I kept hoping nothing exciting would happen, 'cause I didn’t want the crowd to get too loud– …wake you up. Didn’t matter. You stayed asleep in my arms till the game ended.

QUINN: Daddy, I’m so sorry.

RUSSELL: (sighs) You need to leave.

QUINN: Wait. Please, Daddy can we talk about this? Finn is a good guy. He loves me.

RUSSELL: You, too. Get out of my house.

FINN: You can’t do that. She didn’t do anything wrong. Please, Mrs. Fabray, do something.

QUINN: Don’t bother, Finn. (crying) If she wanted to do something, she would’ve when she found out that I was pregnant.

RUSSELL: (to Judy) You knew?

JUDY: I– no. She didn’t tell me anything.

QUINN: But you knew. And I needed you. I needed my mom. And you were so scared of what he would do if he found out you just pushed it aside like we do every bad feeling in this house. If you don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist.

RUSSELL: Now do not turn this on us! You are the disappointment here!

QUINN: Why? Because I’m not a little girl anymore? Because I made a mistake?

RUSSELL: Who are you? I don’t recognize you at all.

QUINN: I’m your daughter. Who loves you. And who knows this must be really hard for you, but I just need my daddy to hold me, and tell me that it’s going to be okay. Please. (crying) (sobbing)

RUSSELL: Judy!

CUT TO INT. HUDSON LAUNDRY ROOM

CAROLE: (sighs) Honey, how many times have I told you, you gotta turn these T-shirts right side out before you…

FINN: Um… Mom, Quinn’s parents threw her out. Could she stay here for a couple of days?

CAROLE: Yeah, of course she can. Honey, you can stay here as long as you want.

CUT TO INT. GIRLS BATHROOM

SUZY: Hey, Barbra Streisand, we need to have a little talk.

RACHEL: I have nothing to say to you, Pepper. If you continue to stalk me, I’ll press charges. Everyone knows what you are. You’re the school crazy.

SUZY: I was crazy. Crazy in love.

RACHEL: There’s nothing you can say that’s going to change the way I feel about Mr. Schuester. Ours is a love for the ages. Your threats will just make our love grow stronger.

SUZY: Let me tell you a few things I learned from two years of intense psychotherapy and an esophagus transplant. Lesson number one: You and Schue? It won’t work.

RACHEL: What do you mean?

SUZY: We’re not so different, you and me. We’re both mildly attractive and extremely grating. Love is hard for us. We look for boys we know we can never have. Mr. Schue is a perfect target for our self-esteem issues: He can never reciprocate our feelings, which only reinforces the conviction that we’re not

worthy of being loved. Trust me. I’m a cautionary tale. You need to find some self-respect, Rachel. Get that mildly attractive groove back.

CUT TO INT. GLEE ROOM

RACHEL: Mr. Schuester, I’m ready when you are! The ballad I’ve selected has an important message that I’m anxious for you to hear.

MR. SCHUESTER: Rachel, I’m sorry, I’m going to have to stop you. The way you’ve been acting is totally inappropriate. I’m your teacher, Rachel, and I’m sorry,but that’s all I’m ever going to be.

RACHEL: I know. I…brought these for you as an apology. (Holding flowers.) And the song I was going

to sing was,“Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word” by Elton John, 'cause I know how much you love it. I’m such an idiot. Mooning over you and cleaning your apartment…

MR. SCHUESTER: Hey. It’s okay. I know it’s not always easy for you, Rachel. And I know that there are some things about yourself that you think you’d like to change. (sniffling) But you should know that there is some boy out there who’s going to like you for everything you are. Including those parts of you that even you don’t like. Those are going to be the things he likes the most.

RACHEL: Thanks, Mr. Schue.

MR. SCHUESTER: What do you say we ditch rehearsal today? (both chuckle) I’ve got to be honest, Rachel, you’ve never really needed much help with your ballads. You’ve been knocking them out of the park since day one.

RACHEL: Do you like them?

MR. SCHUESTER: They’re great.

CUT TO INT. AUDITORIUM STAGE

KURT: So they just kicked her out?

FINN: Yeah. Gave her half an hour to pack. Father set the timer on the microwave.

KURT: I’m sorry. I guess my plan kind of sucked.

FINN: No, uh, this is good. No more secrets. You know, everything’s out there–all the feelings. And that’s better, right?

KURT: Yes. Better.

FINN: Good. All right, well, uh, let’s work on your ballad. You were really helpful when I was trying to find mine. So what is it?

KURT: “I Honestly Love You.”

FINN: Uh…Sounds awesome. …I don’t know the song, or whatever, but it sounds positive and nice and stuff.

MERCEDES: (entering) Hey, you two. We need to go to the choir room.

FINN: Why?

KURT: Because there’s something we want to give you and Quinn.

CUT TO INT. GLEE ROOM

QUINN is already there, sitting. FINN is being brought in by Mercedes, with Kurt following behind the 2.)

MERCEDES: Open your eyes! I didn’t tell you to close your eyes. (chuckles)

FINN: Is there a cake?

MERCEDES: No, there’s no cake.

FINN: Oh.

MERCEDES: Be quiet and sit down.

FINN: Hi, Quinn. Do you know what’s going on?

MR. SCHUESTER: Your fellow Glee Club members want to sing a song for you guys to let you know how

they feel about you.

FINN: What are you going to sing?

RACHEL: Just listen. The song says everything.

(The glee club sings LEAN ON ME by Bill Withers. QUINN is emotional. They eventually stand up and dance with the glee club.)