Topsy

(keyboard playing laser blasting, dog barking, farting) Okay, tell me the truth, am I stuck in a laser/dog bark/fart rut? No. Yes. (sighs) Has anyone seen my volcano? Did you check all your pockets? Can you describe what it looks like? Well, it's volcano-shaped, and it's my science fair project from last year. Oh, it's in the liquor cabinet. I've been using it as a wine koozie. It's fun, I love it. Introducing my science fair project for this year. Hold on. Wait, you're turning in the same project again? Will Mr. Blevins let you do that? Yeah, Louise, he's not just a teacher, he's the head of the science fair. He must be swimming in women. Don't worry about Blevins. I can play him like a fiddle. A strange, puffy fiddle with a ponytail and a sad butt. Louise, shouldn't you just do a new project, like you're supposed to? Why? Um, I don't know, to learn something? You learn something. Okay honey, good luck with your volcano. 123, 124... (sighs): What are you two kooks doing? It's for our science fair project: "How Many Hairs Are Up There?" The tough part is keeping them all organized. I ga... Oh! One, two... You guys are working too hard. As per "uuge." Good morning, children. My name is Mr. Dinkler, and I will be taking over this science class. Whoa, whoa whoa, what? What happened to Mr. Blevins? He's dead. To this classroom. He's at home recovering from a severe attack of gout. But I'm sick of talking about him, so let's just move on already. One of you might recognize me if you've been down to the Science Museum on Tuesday nights. I am a Thomas Edison impersonator and reenactor. Thomas Edison was the greatest genius who ever lived. (sarcastic laugh) Oh, boy. Can anyone name any of his inventions? The lightbulb... That's right the lightbulb. The phonograph. The kinetoscope. It goes on and on and on, basically everything. So, I know the fourth grade science fair is coming up, because I'm in charge of it now. I only have one rule for science fairs: No vol-ca-noes. Huh? Kids have been using these papier-matcher monstrosities to avoid real work for years, and I'll have none of it. (laughing): Okay, Mr. Dinkler, time out. Relax. I already got the go-ahead from Mr. Blevins on my volcano. Dinkler: Huh? So, I'm kind of grandfathered in there. What is your name, young lady? It's Louise, as in "Jeez, Louise, you're the best." Why don't we find you another topic? Oh, no, that's not necessary. I already got it. I'll pick one for you. Don't need to, I got one. Yeah... Thank you so much. Nope, I'm going to pick one. And it's the best topic in the world: Thomas Edison! Um, but I'm doing Thomas Edison. You can both do Edison, you moron. There's enough of him to go around, trust me. (sighs) Mr. Dinkler, I see you're new here, so please don't be offended if I disregard everything you say and turn in Mt. Louise-ius here. Wow, I bet stuff comes out of the top where this hole is and it's just a real hoot. Yeah. Oh, no. Oops. (screaming) Why did I throw that down? What... Oh, wha... I'm stepping on it? No! Why am I stepping on it? (Louise screaming) Over and over and over again. Stop it! (Louise screaming) Uh-huh. You're doing Edison, kid. How about some science, huh? Ugh, I can't believe that guy. Hmph. And now I have to go to the library, which I never wanted to have to do. Ugh! Yeah, ugh! Wait, I like the library. I need information on Thomas Edison. Something no one would recognize if plagiarized. Biographies, under "E." Thanks. That's my job. And I love it. (whispers): Topsy. Hmm? I didn't say anything. (whispers): Tooooopsssyyyyy. Are you saying Top Chef? I think he said Topsy. No, I didn't. (whispers): Yes, I did. What's a Topsy? I don't know, don't ask me. (whispers): Look it up. Like in a book? Yeah, sure, books are great. (whispers): No, use the lnternet. Books are stupid. I thought books were smart. No, they're stupid. But you're a librarian. Yeah, so shh! Louise: Hmm. Topsy. Look, Topsy the circus elephant. Thomas Edison wanted to show the world that AC current was more dangerous than his own patented DC current... Blah, blah, blah. Oh, there's a video. Click that. Ooh, elephant. I bet it sneezes and it's adorable. (elephant trumpets, children scream) What was that? Play it again, Play it again. (elephant trumpets, children scream) It was electrocuted. To death. On purpose. In public. By Thomas Edison. What is he, a supervillain? Well, it says that Topsy trampled three people. Well yeah, she's a big, fat elephant. The point is, I've got my science fair project. I'm gonna tell everyone the truth about Edison the Electro-cutioner. Tell it, sister. So heroic. Let me finish! And make Mr. Dinkler look like an evil-inventor-impersonating ass. There she is. Oh, right. Don't do it, Don't do it. (whispers): Do it, do it. And then I say, "Hey. Lightbulb. "I've got an idea: The lightbulb. I'm Edison, thank you." And everyone claps. Mr. Dinkler, shouldn't Louise and I make sure that we're not both doing the same thing for our Edison project? Well, let's see, Jeremy. Is your project going to blow everyone away? 'Cause if it's not, then don't worry about it. (laughing) What's so funny?! Hey, everybody, volcano-girl here is gonna blow our minds. Did you hear that, Tom? Well, I will! I've got something big, Mr. Dinkler. You ain't got nothing and you know it. You keep believing that, Mr. Dinkler. I will. You keep believing that, (laughing) Mr. Dink-ler. (both laughing) Yes, yes! Ha! Ha! Ha! Very... funny. Ha! Ah! Okay, change of plans. Some little report pasted onto construction paper isn't gonna be enough. Not for that punk. I hate construction paper. Dinkler's a reenactor. I'm going reenactment on his butt. With actors and effects and everything. We're gonna bring this nightmare to life. Oh. Oh. All right, I'm gonna need an Edison and a Topsy. Gene, can you give me a maniacal laugh? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Good enough, you're Edison. Tina, act like an elephant. Not bad, you're hired. Oh, you know what else your project needs? Science? Music. By me. Something dramatic, but danceable. Cha, cha, cha, cha. Fine, as long as we electrocute an elephant, it's okay with me. But not really electrocuting, just reenacting. Yes, Tina. Jeesh. Little Miss Don't- Really-Electrocute-Me over here. (chuckling): Diva. Mm-hmm. What else do you want on your rider? Hello, children. Ah, Teddy, come here. I'm doing a project and I need to make huge sparks and lightning bolts. What do you know about that stuff? In high school, my buddies and I built a Van de Graaff generator. You know, to get girls. Ah, nice. Will you do something like that for me? Adults aren't allowed to help, so you'll have to hide. But... eh? Sure. Let's go! Okay, no burger, that's fine. Ahh, I'm not freaking out here! Ahh... I know they're in here somewhere. Bob, come to bed. Here it is. All this science fair stuff reminded me of my old invention. Spiceps. Spice-wah? They're sleeves that you wear on your biceps to hold all your spices while you cook. Wha. Look, (growls). Okay, good night. Hey Lin, what if I was wearing just these. 'Cause, whoop, I am. All right, come here. I'm coming. (Bob growling) Linda: Wait, wait, wait, you're getting spice all over the bed. Topsy... autopsy... Is there something there? I'm not talking; I'm in character. Except, can I trample you? I'm trying to get in that head space. Yeah, sure. (feeble trumpeting) Did, uh, did you guys notice my Spiceps? Dad, not now. (feeble trumpeting) Pffh, Spiceps. You might have something there, if you just changed it completely. They're perfect the way they are. Dad, shush. Okay, Tina, as long as you have perfect pitch, we'll be fine. And a one, and a two. ♪ They'll... ♪ Hello, family. Ugh. Hi, Aunt Gayle. Hey, Gayle, I couldn't understand you on the phone earlier. You sounded like (muffled crying). Is everything all right? Everything's fine. (stammering, muffled crying) He can just be such a jerk sometimes. Aw, who honey? Wha? My cat. We got in a fight. Can I stay here for a while to cool off? Of course you can. Hey Gayle, check it out. (stammering, muffled crying) Okay, talk to you later. Tina, and a one, and a two. ♪ They'll... ♪ Hello, Belchers. Damn it! Don't mean to barge in, just here for the monthly rent. I say monthly, because I think there might be some confusion about that. Oh, hey, Mr. Fischoeder. Sorry, I'll write you a check right now. With my arms. Strangely specific, but whatever. Oh, look, a pen. Here. I'm good. Care for any cracked pepper? Uh... How about some thyme? Just write the check. Perhaps some marjoram? Write a check! How about a bay leaf? Oh. And a one, and a two... ♪ They'll say aw, Topsy ♪ ♪ At my autopsy Okay, here's a funny story. ♪ But no... You cannot sing. What? Yeah, we're gonna have to replace you. No, I-I have a strong connection to this character. And there it goes. Wha-what about you? Can you sing? Ah, yeah. (clears throat) ♪ They'll say aw, Topsy ♪ ♪ At my... ♪ Oh, my God I can't sing either! What are we gonna do?! (sniffling): That song's catchy. ♪ They'll say aw, Topsy ♪ ♪ At my autopsy. ♪ It is catchy. ♪ Aw, Topsy at my auuu-ho-ho-hoopsy ♪ ♪ La, la, la, la, la Holy moly. ♪ Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That we should ask Aunt Gayle and Mr. Fischoeder to keep it down? No, we should ask them to sing for us. But we're not allowed to use adults in school projects. We're gonna Milli Vanilli this. Sorry, I don't speak ltalian. We'll lip sync it! Lip synch it! (singing) So... what are you two doing on Friday besides singing from behind a curtain in our school auditorium? God, cooking is just too easy now. (grunting) So, after a lot of thought and some amazing sewing, I think I finally fixed your invention, Bob. Well, it didn't need fixing, so... Ta-da! It's the Spice Rack. Get it? Rack. (laughing) Ah, well, you look ridiculous. Oh, I look ridiculous? Yeah, you do. You're both right. I just took your idea and I made it good. What? No you didn't. Come on, kids, which is better? Pass. No, thank you. Bob: Tina? Tina? Uh... Huh, how about this? Huh, huh? Uh... It's not using s*x to sell. You want this, right? This one. I love you both equally! Oh, who cares?! Sorry. I love you, too. ♪ He might electrocute me ♪ ♪ That's true ♪ Gayle: ♪ But he's an electro-cutey ♪ Fischoeder: ♪ Aw, shucks. Um... wha... AC to DC, come in, DC, over. DC here. Just give me the go-ahead and I'll flip the switch. Are you sure I'm allowed to be down here? Nope, so if you get caught, we don't know each other. Fischoeder: ♪ Her bosom's mighty ample ♪ Gayle: ♪ He's just too hot to trample. ♪ Okay, okay, stop right there. We're stopping? No. Yes. Ah, the theater. Should we fool around back here while we wait? Okay, just let me lick my lips. (moaning) Eh, never mind. Gene, what the heck is going on with the song? We made it into a love duet. What?! Hmm? The whole point of this is to get back at Mr. Dinkler. Or is it that against all odds, a lonely inventor and a down-on-her-luck elephant find true love? Oh, forget it! Let's just get to the pyro. Tina, stand on Teddy's yoga mat and don't move or it's... (buzzing) Are you sure this is safe? Teddy, tell Tina your yoga mat will keep her safe because it's rubber, over. Teddy: My... wait, who? Tina, she's standing on the yoga mat. So can we do this? (transmission cutting out) Okay, we can't hear you very well. So let's just go on my count. Three, two, one! (buzzing) My trunk! (all exclaiming) (sizzling) Wow. Wait until Mr. Dinkler hears about this. Wait till Mr. Dinkler sees this. Huh, huh, huh, huh. Well, I see your point. Huh, huh. It is a little dangerous. Huh, huh, huh, huh. Well, you don't have to do it. We can just use one of Gene's stuffed animals. I'm sure they're tired of being farted on. They love it. Huh, huh, huh, huh. Tina, people must know the truth. Do the reenactment. But what if I get electrocuted? Oh, come on, it's not that bad. But you died. Well, you don't have to rub it in. It's just, I'm not... What? Tina, tell my story. Also, you should wear your hair up sometimes, girlfriend. It looks really good. Okay, Topsy, I'll do it, but maybe not the hair thing. Oh, come on. It's just awkward with this length. Try it. See, I'm trying it right now. Look. You know what, wear it down. This is it. Today Edison and Dinkler are going to get it right where the lightbulb don't shine. Are you sure you don't want music? Mm? No, no music, thank you. You had your chance and you blew it. Fine, then I quit! Suit yourself. Well, now I feel left out. Take me back. All right, you're rehired. Oh, thank God. Thank you. Teddy, what's our pyro status? Did you work out all the kinks? And by kinks I mean almost melting Tina. I think so, except for, uh... Nah, I'm sure it'll be fine. Huh, huh, huh. Tina, why are you making that noise? Huh, huh. Huh, huh. What is it, girl? Huh, huh. Oh, Tina's just pumped about the science fair. (whoops) Oh, wow, me, too. Is everyone ready to go? (bell jingles) Where's your father? Uh, here I am. What's all that? Uh, just some stuff I thought I'd bring to the science fair. (gasps) Are you bringing Spiceps? I just want some feedback, Lin. Who knows, maybe there's some wealthy parent that knows a good money-making venture when they see one. That's crazy. I'm going to get the Spice Rack. Oh, hello, Mr. Dinkler. What a day for science, huh? Teddy (over radio): Louise, give me the word when you want me to hit the switch. I know what you're up to, you hooligan. Jeremy saw everything last night. Oh, you son of a snitch! What's your favorite movie? Squeal Magnolias?! War Horse. You're trying to sully Edison's good name, and nobody messes with my man, Tom. You're banned. Get in there. You can't ban me from the science fair. So long, idiot. (chuckles) You're ruining my plan to humiliate you! Oh, oh-oh, oh. Whoop, oh, oopsie. Boy, that, uh, that fell over. Too bad. Aw. That's prime real estate. Watch out, someone's coming. Uh, uh, just checking out this great project. This must be a really smart kid, right? Not as smart as this kid right here; She's a genius. Oh, really? I think that kid stole this kid's idea and she should probably get a lawyer. Oh, he wouldn't dare. Oh, he would. I will destroy you. Hooray! Now that Louise is banned, I'm the only Edison project. Jeremy, shush. Right. Young man, I hear you wrote a love duet that dispels those nasty electrocution rumors and shows Edison's softer side. I think that's just what this science fair needs, and I want you to sing it. (gasps) Really? All right! What? I've got to call our landlord and my aunt and maybe some choir kids and maybe a couple of band geeks. If that's how you celebrate good news, sure. But, Gene, what about Louise? What about the truth? What did you say? I was just wondering if we need flutes. Who plays the flute? Do you play the flute? Teddy: Louise, some janitor just asked me what I was doing here. I panicked; I said I was a doctor. So if anyone asks, I'm Dr. Glen Wellness. I served in Korea. I handled a triage alone. Just if anyone asks. I delivered triplets in the back of a cab, if anyone asks. Ms. Schnurr, I want to say I totally understand why I'm in here. I was disrespectful. I was out of line, and oh, my God, did you move that picture? (screams) Wow. You are fast. I do martial arts. It shows. Hello, hi. Oh, aren't you short? Here, follow me. All right, let's show these people that if it ain't man-on-elephant love, it ain't worth singing about. (clears throat) Attention, everyone. We have a very special treat for you. It's a musical re-imagenactment of the very uplifting story of Thomas Edison and Topsy the elephant. Fischoeder: ♪ They say Thomas Edison ♪ ♪ He's the man to get us into this century ♪ ♪ And that man is me ♪ Gayle: ♪ They'll say all... What's going on here? Where's Louise? And why do Tina and Gene sound like Gayle and Mr. Fischoeder? It's science, Bob. You're not supposed to understand it. Okay. (screaming) Come on, Ms. Schnurr. Let me out of here. This is my destiny. Shh, I'm trying to eat this yogurt. Librarian: Toot, toot, here comes books. (gasps) Creepy librarian. Do I know you? Yes you told me about Topsy. (whispering): I tell everyone about Topsy. So, here's the book you requested. Good stuff, chick lit. Oh, you've got to help me. Tell her I've got to go to the fair. Tell her I've got to take Dinkler down. Shh, leave me out of it. You started it. I start, I don't finish things. That's my one flaw. So, how's that yogurt? Fine! Forget you! Forget all of you! Eat your yogurt! I'm busting out! (yells) Louise: Get everything ready, Teddy, because this is happening. I'll get to the radio and when I say "hit it," you hit it with everything you've got. Capisce? Wait, don't leave me. Okay, everything's all right. You're Dr. Glen Wellness. You can handle anything. Hell, you got the highest MCATs in the state. ♪ But I never noticed ♪ ♪ The curve of her trunk ♪ Gayle: ♪ And I never noticed ♪ ♪ His electric junk ♪ ♪ We might just have found ♪ ♪ Electric love ♪ ♪ Electric love... ♪ Wow, did Gene write this? God, I want what they have. It's so romantic. ♪ Electric love ♪ ♪ Electric love... ♪ ♪ Fits like a glove. ♪ This is what really happened, people. This man, Thomas Edison, sentenced Topsy, that beautiful elephant, to die by electrocution. (laughs) Uh-oh. Here's your hero, Dinkler. Hit it! Is that you, Louise? Hit it! I've been down here so long. What's it like out there? Are people still the same with their funny ways? Teddy, hit it! Oh, right, the thing we're doing. Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh. Oh! Tina! Tina! Tina? I'm okay. Oh! Oh, God. Oh, thank God. Tina. I thought we weren't doing the death scene, but I saw the sparks and went with it. Was I convincing? Yes, very. Oh, my God, I almost electrocuted my sister. I've become Edison. Oh, you wish. So he electrocuted animals. (shocked murmuring) So what? As if everyone here is so perfect. (sobbing) (Fischoeder and Gayle moaning) Oh, got a little caught up in the moment. We're in love! We're a couple in love! It's really happening finally! Thank you, God! Got to go. Could have asked me to sing, but whatever. You know, I could've sung it. Louise, is there something you want to say to your sister? Tina, I'm sorry I nearly killed you. I got carried away with the Dinkler thing, which worked out pretty well, but still, I shouldn't have almost killed you. It's okay; This is how Topsy would have wanted it, but with more trampling people. And, Gene, I'm sorry to you, too. Your song was really good. I know, and without a single fart sound. Oh, my God, I forgot the fart sounds! How'd we do? Well, you almost killed my daughter. So yeah, not great. Oh, wow, sorry about that. Hey, did you check out that Spiceps thing? Cool, huh? Really? I thought so. Yeah. Since Mr. Dinkler is in the bathroom, crying, I'm stepping in to announce the science fair winners. Second lace goes to "How Many Hairs Up There?", by Andy and Ollie Pesto. Oh, my God! I want to thank Ollie. I want to thank Andy. I want to thank Ollie. I want to thank Andy. That got second? That's ridiculous. And the blue ribbon goes to "Spice..." uh, I can't read this. Spice Rack! Spice Rack! Spiceps, Spiceps! Spice Rack! Spiceps! Spiceps! Ow! Rack!