Mark and Russell's Wild Ride

1 ( Exhales ) Okay, okay, okay. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. - ( Exhales ) - Ahem. First time taking the test? Uh... Excellent stop, young man. Though you might want to pull up a little. ( Car alarm blares ) We can just go, right? That's my car. Easy now. You should be at least one full car length behind... ( brakes screech ) It could've been worse. And now it's worse. ( Siren wailing ) So emergency vehicles have the right of way, but it's not right to turn right when it's no right on red. Right? I'm only here to observe. ( Wordless groaning ) Relax. You're gonna do just fine. See? Fine. Thank you. Squirrel! Squirrel! Points for not killin' it? ( Horn blares ) Was I a terrible person in a past life? The past five lives? Would you snap out of it? It's gonna be a wonderful day. Who fails anything five times? I failed to ride the El Diablo coaster five times, 'cause I'm still shorter than the "you must be this tall" hand. Does that stop me from hanging upside down every morning? Mm-mm. I've grown a twelfth of an inch. And change. ( Snorting laughter ) Hey! That's one. You don't get two. Okay. All right. That license was the key to everything. It's the age-old equation. License plus girls suddenly noticing you, multiplied by ultra-hip parties, divided by a sensible new haircut, equals popularity to the power of infinity. The ultimate cool-gorithm. But that dream is dead now, Russell. They're gonna call me "Five-Time Failure," which as far as nicknames go, doesn't have that much teeth, but it still hurts. I'd take that over Smallest Kid In the World any day. And at least we're still a notch above Space Helmet and Booger Tom. You wanna come over after school? My mom makes homemade coleslaw. Just him thinking that we'd accept that invitation - shows how close we are to rock bottom. - Duly noted. Well, on the plus side, at least we do have chem lab today. I feel like that's really more of a plus for you than it is for me. What can I say? I love science. Wow. Just wow. The way you handle that beaker. You remind me of a young Marie Curie. Didn't she die of radiation poisoning? I'm pretty sure I said young. Oh, thank you for saving my butt, Mark. I'm so lucky we became lab partners this year. Are you kidding? I'm the lucky one. If it wasn't for you, I'd be stuck with Cheese Hands Tony. Ugh. This school's so harsh with nicknames. I know. What's your nickname again? Nice Teeth Ashley. - That's brutal. - ( Both laugh ) So... What are you doing this Sunday? Sittin' around. Maybe my house, maybe Russell's. Why? Well, Monica Delmonico's having a pool party... Okay, all right. I think I know where you're goin' with this, Ashley. The best dish to bring to a pool party is cold noodle salad. Or so I have read. I was actually wondering if you wanted to take me to the party. I mean, you just took your license test, right? Yes. It's true. Then you can pick me up. We'll go together. Yeah. Together. Great. See you at noon. - Oh, and bring that, uh... - Cold noodle salad? Perfect. I'm gonna be bringing cupcakes from my aunt's bakery. Love Crumbs. You can totally taste the love. Bye. Did that just happen? Did the girl that I've been crushing on since kindergarten just ask me out? It's like you just leveled up right in front of me. You'll sneak me in through the back gate or doggy door, right? Yeah, dude, yeah. Just gonna drive on over, pick her up, I'll carry you in in my towel bag, and... what? I don't wanna say it. Oh. Pick her up. That's not possible, because of the failures. Because of the horrible, choking failures. - ( Hyperventilating ) - Don't spin out on me now. The worst thing we can do is lose our focus. ( Liquid splashing ) Uh, I hope that's the base and not the acid. ( Sizzling sound ) Nope. Dwayne, please escort me to the eyewash station. I've checked this DMV and that DMV. I'm not finding any appointments. Why are there no appointments? Keep searching. Look around you, Russell. Look where we are. Bus pick-up. Where cool comes to die. Okay, okay, okay. Today is Friday. The party is Sunday. I have to get my license tomorrow. ( Sighs ) Ashley Pinafore is a rope that has been tossed down to us by destiny. Climb that rope right on up to popularity nirvana. Toss that rope back down to you, and pull ourselves up from this horror show to a cool new world. One with parties and lake trips. And sparkling cider brunches. Really? That's what cool is to you? Have you ever been to one? They are lovely. Okay, well, either way, none of that is happening without my license. No license, no Ashley. No Ashley, no pool party, and no pool party... Has anybody seen my medicated lip balm? We're lookin' at Booger Tom and Space Helmet to throw us a rope. A booger-covered rope. ( Horn honks ) Who am I kidding? Finding an appointment is the least of our worries. Even if I get one, I'm just gonna turn into a quivering mess like the last five times. Daddy needs a sure thing! Then you're gonna wanna see this. Ninety-two percent. 92! Can you even comprehend what that means? Okay, this driving instructor, this beautiful Glenn Bufferton, passes over 92% of all of his testees. Listen to these comments. "Pushover. A gimme. It's like he wasn't even in the car." Honey, you can't shop for driving instructors on the internet like printer cartridges. Check this out. Favorite movie: Whatever you're watching. Political views: Whoever you're into. Religion: Don't wanna offend anyone. This guy clearly just wants to be liked. It's a virtual lock. He is the Heimlich maneuver for my choking. And all it takes is a 51-mile drive to the DMV. Oh, yeah. Who's with me? Son, you need to take a step back. Quite frankly, your mother and I are worried that you may be on the verge of a mental breakdown. I'm beggin' you. What could be more important than the hopes and dreams of your precious baby boy? Uh, an all-day flea market, that's what. Over ten acres of bargains. Mm-hmm. And they've got churros. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. He's all booked up. It needs to be tomorrow. Now, Mark, this is the exact opposite way of getting me to agree with you. I know it is. I just... I don't think that you're grasping the Ashley Pinafore of it all. Pinafore Schminafore. Now you listen to me. You are the coolest cat in this household. If your friends don't know that by now, the heck with them. It's their loss. Your mom can drive you to the party. I'll even make my noodle salad. Oh, we can invite Ashley over to play Crazy Eights after. Fun! ( laughing ) And that's why Mark sucked his thumb till he was 12. Don't forget your nose plugs. ( Shrieking ) ( cell phone rings ) RUSSELL: You okay, pal? I thought I heard someone screaming. - I'm fine. - Are you sure? 'Cause it was high-pitched. Like a really feminine howler monkey. I'm fine. Are you? Why aren't you wearing your night guard? I should probably come over. So you're not gonna drive a car any time soon. So what? There are plenty of things you can drive without a license. Bumper cars. Lawn mowers. Those tiny carts that drive old people to their gates at the airport. I know your heart's in the right place, Russell, but everything you're saying is making me feel way worse. You're right. We're young, it's Saturday. Let's get an early start on our homework. This was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I bungled it. I bungled it! So be a man. Tell Ashley you lied. You were desperate to be around her, so you would've said or done anything. Sure, 'cause girls love a desperate, lying fraidy-cat. Face it, Russell. We're stuck... with boring old regular Mark. Unwanted, unloved, and unable to pull the car out of the driveway without parental supervision. Mark, you're scaring me. Well, that's our future. My neighbor Don can't drive me to the DMV because of that "suspicious mole." Hope he's okay. A cab costs $137 one way. I guess we could call Booger Tom's mom. You think that car has boogers in it? Their everything has boogers in it. Unless you know a licensed driver who's willing to ride with us halfway across the state, no questions asked, I just don't know. Let go of the walker, Grandpa. I'll put it in the trunk. I'm not goin' in the trunk. No one said you were, Grandpa. We love you. There. Now have some fauxgurt. He loves those Happy Scratchers. Never wins, but he loves 'em. So are we even sure this is legal? Issued by the state of North Dakota in 1949, but technically, still valid. As long as you've got your learner's permit, he's the perfect chaperone. Legal and forgetful. Plus we can use his senior citizen discount at rest stops. I like where your head's at. You don't get bumped up a grade for nothing. Here you go. ( Loudly ) We'll be back in 30 minutes. Is that when the movie starts? Sure. We may have to stop at the movies on the way back home. This is the one, Russell. Magic number six. I may not say it enough, buddy, but you are a terrific sidekick. Funny. I always thought of you as the sidekick. Hmm. I'm the one on the quest. Or are you a side quest to my much grander quest whose true meaning has yet to reveal itself? Sounds like something a sidekick would say. Said the sidekick. ( Cell phone beeps ) It's Ashley. It's our first text. She wants to know if I can also take. - Harper Blanc to the pool party. - Harper Blanc. Harper Blanc who smells like peaches Harper Blanc? That's the one. I'm texting no. No! Don't you realize, one popular girl begets another? You're trending, Mark. You're trending. Yeah? But if I choke this time, the only thing trending will be my humiliation. I hate to be a nudge, but I think you just leap-frogged us. I think you're mistaken. I really hate to invoke the no-cutsies rule... And I'd hate to invoke the four witnesses behind you to reach down your throat and pull your underwear out your mouth. Say hello to the Brothers Nico. Hey, meatheads, back off my friend. Or maybe you're not attached to your teeth. Metaphorically. I know your teeth are physically rooted in your gums... You know what? You get my point. You got a big mouth, inchworm. Yeah? Well, you got one big eyebrow. Now apologize to my scared friend. Don't play the hero, tiny. Yeah, don't play the hero, tiny. ( Sound of whip cracking ) See, even they know you're the sidekick. Sorry. Were you the one just standing up to the villain? Seriously? At the DMV? Let's not be those people. Don't tell me what to do, Angela. Oh, don't tell me, don't tell me what to do. BOY: Don't tell me, don't tell me don't tell me what to do. Wait, what? You need to fill out a form. Whoa. Not my first rodeo. Okay, okay. Just relax. Just find your bliss. ( Waves crashing, seagulls cawing ) Russell, put that down. I do not need your relaxing Sounds of Nature app right now. You need to stay loose. We've got Mr. 92% on our side. Your streak of failure ends today. The internet's lied before. Like remember those ancient Chinese growth pills you ordered? They were neither ancient nor Chinese nor pills. I grew a quarter of an inch. I know you did, buddy. The point is, how do we know this Glenn Bufferton didn't just write all those reviews himself? How do we know he's not too good to be true? - ( Door opens ) - ( Groans ) Okay, let's get those hands at 10 and 2. Or, you know, whatever you want. I already get the sense you know what you're doing. Mint? Looks like we've got a natural on our hands. So, any fun plans once you get your... ( loud thump ) Uh... please, sir. I... ( stammering ) I didn't mean to... No excuses. That was clearly a pothole. I'm sorry. The city should've fixed that by now, and I apologize on their behalf. Well, looks like I've seen everything I need to see. All we have left is the formality of paperwork. Congratulations, Mark. - You've got your li... - ( Goofy horn ringtone plays ) Go for Glenn. I'm sorry that it bothers you, honey, but that's the way I like to answer the phone. ( All chuckling ) Leaving? That's a bit of an over-reaction. Karen, calm down. Karen, please. Karen, no! Karen! Pull over up here. Sir, that's a tow-away zone. Who are you, the mayor? Pull over! I'm not the mayor. Okay. All right. So there it is. Okay. Whoa. ( Laughs ) Why is it so hot in here? If you want, I can turn on the air con... ditioning. I can't breathe. The car is so small. Why is the car so small? ( Shivering ) It's so cold in here. Should I go get your tie? Pull out, merge into traffic, take your first right, and your third left. Why aren't we moving?! Come on, come on, pick up the pace. You know you can get a ticket for going too slow, right? As soon as we cross Elm, take a left over the first lawn you see. I don't think this is a driving test anymore. Well done. You see how giving it some gas helped you fly over that curb? Thank you? - Doodlebear. - You're too late, Glenn. I'm leaving. There's no more spark. No spark. But we went to the House of Spaghetti last night. I've seen enough daytime television to know this isn't gonna end well. Let's go. No way, dude. I got this test aced. This isn't a test anymore. It's something different. Something darker. Well, excuse me if I'm not comfortable picking out my belly button lint. Nature puts it there for a reason. See? They're just sortin' stuff out. We just need to let this dust-up run its course, and we'll be back at the DMV, license in hand. Plus this is really none of our business. Mitch, short guy, settle an argument for me. Come on. Now it's our business. Mitch, you've spent enough time with me to know that I'm a level-headed guy, right? Tell me something, Mitch. How would you feel if your husband fell short of every expectation? Uh... My name's Mark. Wow! I didn't figure you for a quitter, Karen. Well, you didn't have to sleep next to a night farter for the last five years. I have trouble digesting lactose. You know where would be a really good place to work this out? Back at the DMV. You can't just pick up and leave. You are my sun, my moon. My sunny moon. There must be something I can do. Classic Glenn. Big on promises, short on follow-through. You said you'd pick up the dry cleaning, and that was weeks ago. Well, it's a tad out of the way. But if that settles it, I'll pick it up today. We could get it on the way back to the DMV. You also promised to pick up our nephew - at karate class. - That's today. Good-bye, Glenn. Maybe we can get a new driving instructor on grounds of insanity. Fellas, come over here and use your bodies to block this taxi so she can't leave. Okay, Russell, please. Our quest stands on the edge of a knife. If we go limp, it'll only hurt a little. That's just bad science. Let's go before things get worse. ( Tires screeching ) I give you worse. This guy failed me after you cut me off back there. You cost me my license, forehead. That's right, you better run. He said I have road rage. Now I'm gonna road rage all over your face. What's wrong with my forehead? I'm not going anywhere, sunny moon. You're just gonna have to run me over. Point Karen. Hang tight. I'll be back with my multi-purpose hatchet whose many purposes you'll soon discover. Ashley's overrated, right? - Let me in. - ( Both screaming ) Follow that cab. How am I doing, sir? I don't wanna break the speed limit in front of my driving instructor. Here's an instruction. Stop driving like a little baby and gas it, 'cause we're actually being passed by a little baby. Still, I think we lost Road Rage. Or he's right behind us. ( Heavy metal music plays ) - They're gaining! - I can see that in my side mirror, Russell, where objects are closer than they appear, as any seasoned driver should know. KAREN: Please leave a message, unless you're Glenn. Oh, you can turn off your phone, Karen, but you cannot turn off my heart, no matter how hard you try. Look, her cab is taking a right on Delgado. Push, Mitch, push. Mitch, Mark. Either one would look really good on a shiny new driver's license. If this maniac comes any closer, he'll be in the backseat, and I'm in the backseat! Okay, you're going to engage your left signal, - but you are going to turn right. - What? You heard me. Oh, Mr. Bufferton, please. Is now a bad time to request a bathroom break? BOTH: Yes! Ah, the bus terminal, where we had our first date. And there she is, pulling up! Quick, there's a spot right there. Park. Park like the wind. Parallel park? It's just like my second failure. For the love of Pete, just pull up there already. I am losing her! I did it. Give me a thumbs up. This is a moment you'll wanna remember. I'm stuck. You have a window, too. ( Horn beeps ) Doodlebear! Doodlebear! Tilt your head to the left. I wanna catch this midday light. Doodlebear, where are you? Doodlebear! Don't just stand there. Find the man's Doodlebear. GLENN: Steubensville? Steubensville? Sweet gherkin, why? Maybe she's going bird watching. There's some amazing conservation land out there. Knobbler's Field, it's a bird watcher's paradise. And the Dickcissel is in mating season. - Karen hates birds. - Who hates birds? Karen. And when she gets to Steubensville to stay with her bird-hating mother, I am finished. So back to the DMV then? What's the point? With Karen gone, life has lost all meaning. Everything that's important to me... corn dogs, taxidermy, scratch and sniff stickers, the job... I'm done with all of it. Hey, no, no. Don't say that. Think of the good times, yeah? Like remember earlier, when you were all, - "Congratulations, Mark, you've got your li..." - No, no. I've given out my last license. Uh... If we leave now, we can still see that movie with my grandpa. DAD: Your mom can drive you to the party. ( voice echoing ) So, Ash, you havin' fun? Marco! No!! Russell, grab that bus schedule. How many stops between here and Steubensville? Four. Glenn, get your face off that woman's shoulder. You're gonna get pink eye. If I can get you to your wife before she reaches your mother-in-law, - you think you can win her back? - Probably not. Okay, well, do you think you could possibly think of a way to win her back between here and there? I suppose I could try. Great. I can't think of a more appropriate thank-you than rewarding a generous young boy with his license. - You know such a boy? - Me, Glenn. - I'm talking about me. - Oh, sure, sure. Deal. Excuse me. I just get good grades, I'm not used to being a step behind, but why would we possibly wanna spend more time with this lunatic? Go with me here. We get this boob back on his feet, and back with his wife, and back to the DMV, then... ( cell phone buzzes ) Oh! Then we'll be gettin' texts like this all the time. Moly santo. Moly santo indeed. Unless, you know, you wanna go eat some coleslaw with Booger Tom and Space Helmet. No! I wanna go to sparkling cider brunches with you and Ashley. Still not sure that's a thing, but that's the spirit! In case you were wondering, this is what heroes do. Now... let's do this. Hey! Never mess with the Brothers Nico. Maybe they're just giving it a light wax. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?! You know, I had a good excuse for borrowing my mom's car, but not for losing it to a pack of cave trolls. What's the point of any of this? Okay, Glenn's car is back at the DMV. We'd lose too much time. That's out of play. Oh, everything's out of play. Is he gonna be a wet blanket the whole time? Okay, Russell, I'll use Dig For It, you use Search Doctor, and we'll cross-reference with the smartest route. No spark. Glenn Bufferton's got enough spark for ten men. Okay, Nico Repo's 8.3 miles away due north. Which is only four miles away from Glenn's wife's first stop. That means this quest is still very much alive, baby. We just need to spring my mom's car, then... Gun it through Knobbler's Field. We'll use it as a short cut. Little nature, little off-roading. Okay, I am not racing my mom's sensibly priced utility wagon across the Australian outback. Fine, but you always take my advice in the end. I mean, if anything, I'm a sparkler. Hey, you're the dumped husband of my last fare. The one with no spark. I bent over backwards to please that woman. Why is she riding a bus to her mother's? Two cars in this economy? ( laughs ) What am I, Jay Z.? ( Guffaws ) I like you. Funny man. To laugh at, not to be though. Listen, we have no time for this nonsense. Ooh, pull over here. What? Did you hit your head back there, Glenn? We have to get my mom's car. You told me I need to figure out a way to win Karen back. So I figure I should "follow through" by picking up my nephew at karate class. Good news. Wilson just qualified for the all-valley tournament. Bad news. The cab just drove away with our last shred of hope. We don't have any money. Do you? Nah. Karen canceled my credit cards after I bought a side of beef over the internet. Last year, this dude, he gave me colored meatballs in my Easter basket. - Well, you owe my mom a car. - People. Excuse me if I'm not concerned with how your mother drives to water aerobics every morning. - People! - Have you ever wanted something so bad that you would lie, cheat, and steal just to get it? People! You're not gonna believe this. Our pit stop may actually be a lucky break. Her bus passes right by here on its route. In fact... Karen, I did it! I picked up Wilson. I'm a changed man. Just look out your win... dow. Oh! Feels like my heart just got run over by a bus. Okay, new ideas. New ideas. Shout 'em out if you got 'em. I think I'm having a heart attack. You're not having a heart attack. Wait. Are you having a heart attack? ( Siren wailing ) ( wheezing ) Yeah, he's not having a heart attack. Probably anxiety, or gas. My money's on gas. - Then why are we going to the hospital? - Standard procedure. What kind of insurance do you have, Mr. Bufferton? Insurance? At today's rates? I had Karen drop that months ago. I guess you're gonna have to pay out of pocket. Wilson. Wilson, jump out, buddy. Come on. ( Wheezing ) I think I'm having a heart attack. Oh, just fart already! You know, running through all those red lights in that ambulance actually made up time, and I think the hospital might be nearby. Search Gal, find me Nico Repo. Mapping route to Beepo's Tacos. Why? Why must you buy these off-brand smart phones? Lay off Search Gal. Voice recognition technology is an imperfect science. I could go for some Beepo's tacos. Find me Nico Repo Depot and Car Wash. Nico Repo Depot and Car Wash located. Distance: .7 miles. Somebody owes Search Gal an apology. Will do. Let's go. Did nobody hear me about Beepo's tacos? ( Groans ) Guys, I cannot stress this enough. Beepo's Tacos al pastor? Well worth the visit. Could we just please refocus on the part where we get my mom's car back before it's stripped for parts? ( All laughing ) Spray 'em! Is anyone else getting the vibe that logic and reason are off the table with this bunch? Even if we had the money, it's not like they would just hand over the car. At least, not without us leaving here with wet crotches. Wilson! You're trained in physical combat. Any advice, broheim? My advice? I don't care. I got a party to be at. Roger that, broheim. Well, it looks like we're stuck, broheims. Stop saying broheim. Hey, Russell, could you just knock me out and wake me up when I'm a licensed driver, please? I say we ram their defenses at the joints to test its integrity. Or what about that sewage pipe you've got your foot on? Property values here must be terrific. ( Water dripping ) Maybe it tunnels underneath the fence. Unfortunately, it's too tight for any of us to crawl through. Not for the smallest kid in the world. For the record, I chafed my elbow and had to suck in my gut, so, you know, not that small. You look like you could be in my grade. For reals. You know, if you weren't eight. Dream on, short round. Whoa ho ho! Burn! Why don't you two just go sit quietly over there. Maybe work on a speech to win your wife back, 'cause it's the point of the whole mission. Russell, I'm really not sure this is a good idea. Please. I'll just crawl through mole-man style, liberate your mom's car, and we'll be rippin' across Knobbler's Field in no time. I still haven't said yes to that. You always take my advice in the end. You're doin' great, Russell. And you do not have a newly discovered fear of closed places. ( Shrieks, pants ) Human head. It's just a mannequin head. That's... equally as creepy. I can't see him anymore, guys. His mom makes him wear those sneakers with the reflective patches. You know, you remind me of me when I was young. Why? Why would you ever say that to me? You are single-minded in purpose, just like I was. That's how I landed Karen. And believe you me, that girl was way out of my league. That's nothing like... me. Of course, I had to sacrifice stuff to get her. She hated my dream of going to clown college, so that went bye-bye. But these are the choices you make for a lady who lifts you up to a whole new level. So what if I cry in the basement while making balloon animals in secret? It's worth it. And it'll be worth it for you, too. Oh, it wasn't so bad. I had a loyal friend to talk to. Wore orthopedic shoes. I used to call him my sidekick. You know, now that I think about it, I guess it sounds nothing like you. Yeah, Mark. Nothing like you. Russell! ( Voice echoing ) Stuck? The irony. ( Cell phone rings ) Search Gal, answer. Mapping route to Beepo's Tacos. Search Gal, kill! Kill! Kill command accepted. Shutting down now. ( phone powers down ) ( whispering ) Search Gal, help me. Oh! I ate seven bags of cotton candy that night. You have reached the voice-mail of... Guys, he's not picking up. It's really not a good sign. Russell doesn't get that many phone calls, so he never lets them go to voice-mail. Wait a minute. You two can afford phone plans with "voice-mail"? ( Wheezing laugh ) Who are you, Jay Z.? Listen, we don't get my mom's car back, we can kiss both Ashley and your wife good-bye. That's horrible. Who's Ashley? ( Cell phone rings ) It's Ashley. You are a conjurer of evil things. - Hey, girl! - Quick question. What's your favorite kind of cupcake? Fair warning: Amber Valeen's favorite is ganache, so you'll probably have ganache all over your car. - Oh. So Amber's coming too? - Fun, right? Is there anybody else I need to get a cupcake for? Uh... Well, does Monica Delmonico's pool have a shallow end? And if so, specifically, how shallow? - Uh, I guess I could check. - You know what? Never mind. Not to be a stick in the mud, but my mom's car has sort of an intimate feel, and what with the expanding passenger list... Oh, totally. Hey, you know Dean Greeves just got his license, and a new SUV that has tons of room, so we could just... Vanilla. Get me vanilla. Bye, girl. I knew it. The sharks are circling. Stupid mole-man plan. I'm the one with things at stake here. Russell is gonna mole-man me out of my new life. Okay, okay. The only way to free Russell, get my mom's car back, and get back on the road to your wife is to get on the other side of that fence. The only question is how. All right, impromptu brainstorming session. Shout 'em out if you got 'em. Phone delivery man! Skydiving! Delivery man! Time travel! You said delivery man twice, Glenn. That's how much I believe in it. Wilson. Nothin'? Lay off, bro. I'm about to clear level three. While I agree that video games may offer most of life's answers, I really don't think... Wilson! You're a genius! Oh! Whoo! Didn't shower after karate, did you, buddy? Chicks dig the musk. As you can see, I've come to my own rescue once again. You're welcome. Once I am safely on the other side, you two gentlemen can scurry over by way of this crude but sturdy rope, meticulously engineered from two undershirts, a pair of khakis, an old trash bag, and Wilson's yellow karate belt. Congratulations, by the way, man. - That's really something to be proud of. - Whatevs. - Yeah? - Shouldn't you be wearing a helmet? ( laughs ) Totally unnecessary. Taking into consideration your height and, uh, doughy build, your downward force should launch me into the sky, I pull my shirt taut, simulating the aerodynamics of your average fruit bat, allowing me to sail over the fence, and land safely on that filthy, gross mattress right over there. Don't have to raise your hand. You, uh, take physics in school? Nope. Chemistry. But the principles are more or less the same. The math is sound. Sounds like genius forgot to carry a two. Hope you like the taste of dirt. Trust me. Jump. Abort!! ( Weakly ) Ta-da. Man, I should've just stayed in that ambulance. Wow! You must feel so stupid right now. What does it feel like to be that stupid? ANGELA: Move it, chumps. Come on, give the poor kid a break. He doesn't even know what state he's in. Why you gotta ruin things, Angela? Yeah, why you gotta ruin things? - Go get me a juice box. - ( Whip cracking ) Hey, don't make me send you to bed. You knuckleheads try and stay out of jail while I get this sack of meat's car. I'm just gonna lay here and clear my head. You know what's good for that? A bath. Am I done yet? Nope. I got a coupon. Buy one, get one free. That wasn't so bad. ( Mimicking brothers ) "Butt out, Angela. You ruin everything." You butt out. Don't make me have to hurt you. I don't want to, but I will tase you. My sidekick is in peril. You're gonna tase me? With your Taser? That's what I said. You are adorable. You know what? I'm gonna let you have this. You're too kind. You know, as much as this industrial-strength soap really stings, it doesn't sting nearly as bad as those five failures I was telling you about earlier. So if anyone understands your frustration at the world, it's me. The man is our enemy, not each other. I beseech you. Let us part as friends, huh? The best of friends. What say you? Is that the majority opinion? Hop in, buddy. - I took a hostage. - What?! - Get 'em. - Stay back. The tiny one is a maniac. He is gonna tase me. With his Taser. I'm so mad, I wanna yank off another mannequin head. You should probably cool it with that, bro. Cool nothing. I have three words, gentlemen. Beast Mode. Wilson, where's your uncle? Uncle by marriage, dude. Sh! Be still. Russell's got you. Let me be your hero. Hero? You are the least heroic hero in all of hero history. ( Waves crashing, seagulls cawing ) I will shove that thing down your... So, Russell tells me you two are best friends. Best friends don't make things go from bad to worse. I had the situation under control. You look like a seagull cleaned up after an oil spill. So I swooped in and saved the day. That's how heroes roll. You've seen me play Capture the Flag. Yeah, I have. You take it way too far. The point is to capture the flag. Okay, you kidnapped their queen and gave them new and interesting reasons to hate me. Not to mention we lost the one guy who can end this nightmare. Because his phone was in his pants, and his pants were in your ill-conceived rope. A hero wouldn't have made that mistake. Oh, you're not a hero. You're not even a good sidekick. Somebody needs couples therapy. You know, you're welcome to leave whenever. Oh, I'm staying. Any time away from my brothers is a breath of fresh air. No joke; The whole house smells like meatballs and B.O. And technically speaking, I'm the only licensed driver. Well, then, technically speaking, thrilled to have ya. I emerged from the underworld reborn like a phoenix. How could I not be the hero? Okay, okay, guys. We're dangerously close to going off the rails here. The most important thing now is to just find our last, best hope. Hey, check out this weirdo drifter on that tiny bike. Is he not wearing pants? Oh, sweet mercy, you're here. My calves are on fire. You should be ashamed of yourself. - Abandoning us, leaving your nephew. - By marriage! The only way my family line has survived is by fleeing at the first sign of danger. Get in the car, Glenn. I can't. My legs are useless. And I gotta return this bike to that sweet little girl. If he asks me to massage a cramp, I quit. - ( Cell phone beeps ) - Not that you need my help, but we're right near the bus's third stop at Dearborn Junction. Glenn, we have to move, and we have to move right now. You're gonna have to massage my legs. WILSON: Not it! Oh, man, they got a Beepo's taco truck? This party's gonna be off the hook. This party's for third graders? Don't hate the playa. Hate the game. By the way, nobody mention that I'm wearing my mom's aerobic shirt, all right? It was in the trunk, and it's dry. Plus I look really good in violet. I hope your mom's rig can run on fumes, because I don't know if I trust the gas gauge with all the dead weight we're carrying. I think he's talking about you. And not that I deserve any credit for saving the mission from certain failure yet again, but the bus stop is coming up fast. Glenn, I hope you have your speech prepared. Just the dance sequence. But I'm pretty sure the words will come. - Then let's do this! - ( Siren wailing ) - Come on! - Really? - You owe me a wife! Guys, emergency vehicles have the right of way. Test number four. I know what I'm doing. Hey, aren't those the guys who stiffed us on our transport fee? Maybe we can get 20 bucks out of them for lunch. The rules of the road are rules for a reason. Back me up, Glenn. Sorry? I was distracted by this ambulance barreling towards us. They found us! Scatter! What a wuss. You're the one who owes them money. Wait up! ( Siren in the distance) - ( car honks ) - Whoa Whoa! Come on! Today is not the day. Ah, it's more trouble than its worth. I've to go pick up the guy that fell out of that hot air balloon. ( Sighs ) GIRL: We'll take three of the ganache, please. ( Whispers ) Oh, the universe hates me. ( Sighs ) Don't hide from me. I see you. There you are. Yummy vanilla. Hiding behind the red velvet. We'll take these too, please. So, is that nice Mark boy still taking you to Monica's pool party? Not sure. We do weird phone call. I think Dean Greaves might be taking us. Crowd management, real time traffic for miles, fuel consumption, road snacks... I give and I give and all he does is take. Don't even get me started. I feel like that with my brother sometimes too. Well, all the time, actually. The important thing is not to take it personally. Specially since we have no idea where he went. I stand corrected. What are you dummies doing just sitting here? Ashley is in that store, along with a million questions that I don't know how to answer. Oh, these cup cakes are perfect. Watch where you're going! ( Ashley screams ) ( gasps ) OK. If Ashley sees us... she's going to ask Dean Greaves to take her to the party. Super. MARK: Not super! Totally super. Dean Greaves is terrific. Charming, dreamy eyes. Plays guitar. When life gives you Dean Greaves, you make Dean Greaves hate. ( Imitates Russell ) Oh good. Ashley's gone. ( Police radio ) And Glenn just got arrested. Call me. Well, they're reducing the charges for him stealing the little girl's bike. But, he's still in the hook for being in his underwear. Yo! I got places to be! This karate body needs protein. So, now we have to bail him out and save his marriage? Where are we supposed to get seventy five bucks? And $25 for him being in his underwear. He told me that was a bathing suit. He said it was because he did not have any more clean laundry. ( Heaves ) It's times like this you have to ask yourself. Wouldn't it be easier if you just build your own pool and have your own party? I've got a really good idea. Why doesn't Russell call his new best friend, Dean Greaves to come in and save the day. I know you're just being flippant, but he totally would. Remember those? He saved from those wild dogs. Yo, check it! A Happy Scratcher! Wilson got three pineapples and a dollar sign. Cha-ching, yo! Is he speaking emoji? Check it. Wilson's flush. ( All panic ) Those are my grandpa's Happy Scratchers and mine by birthright. And you have to be eighteen to cash them in, tough guy. Hand over the tickets, Wilson. ( Car locks ) - ( car unlocks ) - ( Car locks) - ( car unlocks ) - ( Car locks) ( car unlocks and locks simultaneously ) ( punching sounds ) Let a real man handle this. I just want to put you in my pocket. Bring it. ( Moans ) I draw the line at hitting eight year olds. Unless they're family. We need that ticket, Wilson. What's it going to take? Got karate master's head honor, Wilson. Where's the honor in blackmail? When Wilson's late for a jammy-jam... Wilson plays dirty. So the kid will do anything to get to a super cool popular kid party. Sure that's something you can get behind. And I'm sure there's a gas station near by. Just saying. You know, with our suspicious gas gauge. Just tell me where the street is. Or should we get Dean Greaves to navigate for us? If you had quit bickering like a couple of cats in a bag, you'd see that big dope's jammy-jam is right there. ( Indistinct crowd ) Short guy, Mitch, girl whose name I can't remember, catch you on the flip. ( Sighs ) Wilson. Don't tell me it's a pool party. No doubt. Wilson's gonna get his snuggle on. I really need to get that license. Let's go bail Glenn out. Unless... Don't you dare say Dean Greaves. - Then we should really... - Don't you dare say Knobbler's Field! My mom's car has been through enough already. Knobbler's Field is off the table. Dean Greaves is off the table! You know what? Anything that comes out your mouth, off the table! You say that now, Forehead. - ( Gasps ) - But you always take my advice in the end. Hey! It's just a pool party. Just a pool party? Just a pool party? This license. Leveling up. Ashley. It is everything to me! Boy, I close my eyes... You almost sound like Glenn. Who wants to go to a pool party with Glenn? Who wants to go to a pool party with you? With your cheap phones and your Mole Man and your sparkling cider lunches. - Brunches! - Oh, whatever! It's embarrassing. And plus, you were never even invited. ( Snorts ) No. I don't need your stupid pool party. I got Wilson's. Have fun choking on your sixth failures. Fine! Go! We'll move faster without you. Kinda takes the wind out of your sails when you gotta stop in the middle of your big moment. Doesn't it, drama queen? Test number one. Three seconds. Not before. Not after. But, squarely at the stop sign. I don't write the rules, Angela. Nope. You just die by them. GLENN: Thanks again for springing me from the big house, guys. Now, back to our Karen quest. MARK: Guys. Oh! Frosty in here. I haven't felt anything this tense since. Knifey Pete and New Fish Wingo went at it in the yard. It did not end well for Knifey Pete. Well, while you were making colorful new friends... Let me catch you up on what happened here in the real world. Bail money for you... Karate fights... A conga line of blue-hairs. Mark chased away his only friend. One more thing. We missed the bus's final stop before Steubensville and our last chance of catching your wife is slipping away. All right. Can it with the monologue, Shakespeare. Work that peddle. Why? What's the point? We're never going to beat her bur to Steubensville. We're doomed. Unless some sign appears out of nowhere to magically show us the way. GLENN: We are making excellent time. Great idea, Mark. ( Sighs ) So you're just going to keep on driving? Like nothing's wrong? I have no idea what you're talking about. Even when he's not here, he's saving your butt. Not cool, bro! OK! Fine! Yeah, Russell scored with a Knobbler's Field shortcut. So what? Doesn't mean he's right about everything. You know, he told me to close the sun roof, so the bugs wouldn't get in. Nothing's happened there. Doesn't count. Too delightful. These things on the other hand... A menace. MARK: Stop! Stop! Stop! GLENN: He is literally inside my nostrils. Oh, Russell was right about the sun roof. Whoa! GLENN: Am I OK? I think it might have scratched me. No. No, you're good. OK. Russell was right about two things. So what? Even a broken clock is right twice a day. Right? Wha-what's that flashing nozzle on the dash mean? ( All grunting ) MARK: Oh, come on. Put your back into it. The gas station's less than a mile this way. Over the river and through the woods. Somebody suggested we fill up earlier. Something about a faulty gas gauge. The name's on the tip of my tongue. OK! OK! All right! I admit it. Russell was right. He was right about everything. The shortcut. The sun roof. The gas gauge. The dead weight. I think he's talking about you. You name it, Russell was right about it. Hey. Don't take it so hard. I mean, look around. It's beautiful here. And someone recently told me that dickcissel is in mating season. That was Russell. ( Sighs ) Yeah, I miss that kid. He's great. I wanted him to come to the pool party. I really did. He's just nervous. He can come out a little strong sometimes. I mean, you guys have never seen him play capture the flag. I don't blame you Mark. I mean, when my buddy with the orthopedic shoes started cramping my style, I dropped him like a bad habit and went straight to Karen town. But, not because of the orthopedic shoes. That's prejudice. Sweet gherkin. I am glad. I guess Russell was right about everything. Can't believe it. I was embarrassed about him but... I- I should have been embarrassed about me. I choked. I choked at friendship. ( sighs ) And the truth shall set you free. Though technically we're still stuck in a field... in the rain... because of you. Who cares about that stupid pool party. I would rather just spend the rest of my days as a regular Mark, as long as I just got my best friend back. RUSSELL: That would sound lovely in a tasteful card. Quality card stock. Something classy. Eggshell is nice. - ANGELA: Oh, Russell! - MARK: Buddy! Tell me you brought food. How'd you know we'd be here? What can I say? You always take my advice in the end. Snap! Plus, I-I knew you'd forget to gas up, and I know how much that party means to you. That an-and not dying in a field. You do know me. So, how was Wilson's pool party? He said I was on the list. Big Dub does run with a pretty exclusive party crowd. Primo cake, I'm told. MARK: You know, when this is all over, I owe you a sparkling cider brunch. RUSSELL: Oh, Mark. Those are so last year. ( All sighing and gasping ) All right. Tank full. No permanent injuries. Russell's earned a well deserved power nap. I can't understand why I like him so much. I think he reminds me of the doll I once had. Yo, Glenn, how's that speech coming? "You are the corn to my cob" "and are at your best with butter." Karen loves butter. Keep thinking. You know, I'm proud of you, Mark. You shook it off and, lo and behold, the light at the end of the tunnel. ( Car honking ) You know, the problem with the light at the end of the tunnel, there's always a darkness right behind you. Oh, no. Beast mode. Here's Nicos! How did they find us? You know, I may have mentioned Steubensville in that fourth or fifth grid cycle. Right before that really moving speech I gave earlier. He told us exactly where he's going to be in that super dumb speech he gave earlier. What an idiot! There she is! Is that the bus? Did I say, "Throw it to me?" So much optimism in such a tiny body. We're gaining. Wait! Pull over here. - What? - Are you crazy? You owe me a power nap! Non negotiable pit stop. Trust me. I know what I'm doing. OK. When you put it that way, no! Stubborn as a mule. Just like I was when I was your age. MARK: Get out! I don't know how quick an ulcer can form in a teenage body but, ho, ho, ho! I swear he's helped me set a record. Come on. Carrots and vegetables. Point Glenn. ( Car screeches ) By the way, why is your dry cleaner all the way in Steubensville? Cheapest rates around. ( Groans ) All right. We're on the goal line with two seconds left on the clock. We're unstoppable! We're going to strap your ride! And eat your bones! Would you believe me if I told you he was the one with most potential. One car length. One car length! I mean, you guys are seeing this right? My last test. Young man... I may not have always shown it, but I admire your commitment to vehicular safety. Oops! MARK: Even when you try to be nice, you ruin things. Yo, tie this suit behind the seat, we'll swap it for cash at the Suit Palace later. ( Cellphone ringing ) GLENN: Sorry, ah, ah, Ashley. Um, Mark can't come to the phone right now. Um, he's under extreme pressure, and I don't want him soiling his pants in front of pretty girl. Mark, Hello? Hello, Ashley. That was my uncle, we're taking him to the hospital. Something's not right with his head. But Mark is really... Double bag, double bag... Suitcase on the left. RUSSELL: Designer man purse straight ahead. GLENN: Snowboard. Ah... I don't get it. ( Gasps ) ALL: Ah! ( All grunting ) Is Mark there? Yes, I mean, yes. I'm here. I know I was weird earlier, but, I learned something today. A pool party is just a pool party. Is that party really worth it if you're not partying in the pool with people you love? I was actually just calling to remind you to bring sunscreen, it's supposed to be pretty hot. Mark, do you still want to go to this party with me? Miss a party with nice-teeth Ashley? Never. Oh, exciting news. I decided to bring a plus one. Or more accurately, a plus half. ( Russell screams ) See you at the party. MARK: All right, it's the end of our quest. As long as we don't screw the things up. I think... There's only one way this can go down. We're gonna have to cannonball this thing. Or we could just meet her at the station. My situation demands a grand gesture. It's go big or go home, broheim. Or go die, which is the more likely outcome. Glenn, get back in the car. Too late. This is my destiny. MARK: Glenn, this is crazy. How are you gonna even hold on? You let me worry about that. ( Music playing ) GLENN: Toodle-bear! Karen! Karen! Karen! ( screeching ) Toodle-bear! MARK: Please don't be dead. Please don't be dead... Clown college means everything to me, Karen. Please tell me I can go. Sure. Baby, just get in the car. I love you, Toodle-bear. I hope he doesn't remember any of this. Because we're not paying for clown college. There she is, we're not too late. All we have to do is just buy Glenn a few minutes. Unless a few minutes is all he has left. MARK: Ah. Slow down, Forehead. I've a perfectly normal-sized forehead. You think you can cost me my license, steal my sister, ding up my beast-mode accessories, and get off scot-free? Technically, we borrowed your sister, and if it makes feel any better, I'm sure I could find some reasonably priced beast-mode accessories on the internet. Ugh, again? Why do we have to be those people? Angela... You need to learn when to speak up, and when to keep your mouth shut. RUSSELL: And you... need to learn to relax. ( Fighting ) RUSSELL: My head! I don't want to embarrass you, Gino, but you just got three-seconded by someone who weighs less than a bag of sugar. Russell, can I just say... wow, I was... It was simply majestic, man. I mean... Don't mention it, that's what heroes do. - ANGELA: Ooh. - MARK: You see, here I am, just trying to give you a nice compliment... Uh, fellas? ( Background chatter ) Go get that license. Oh, good, you're awake. Are you sure that this is what you want? This is what I always wanted. Shia LaBeouf, I have always wanted your autograph. Ah, Mrs. Glenn? Bufferton. I'm so sorry, I'm not sure if you took his last name. If not I completely understand why. Um, but your husband, he's got something desperately to tell you. What's wrong with him? Outside of the usual stuff? I'd say probably head trauma. Look. I think it's great that Glenn is making new friends, but, I've been over this before, the spark is gone and so am I. Mrs. Glenn, I know you've got reason to doubt him, but... Today, your husband has pulled a calf muscle, done time, picked up out-of-the-way dry cleaning, put together a four, may be a five serviceable romantic speeches, babysat a self-entitled karate champ. My mother's waiting. He-he bounced off a bus for you. - No, he didn't. - Yes, he did. He did all that stuff. For you. You may think that you want a more glamorous life, you know, one with voice mails and a new car, but don't be so quick to throw away what you already have. 'Cause what you already have has been fighting for you all day. And if you have someone in your life that knows you're worth fighting for, then you're right, that's not a spark. Mrs. Glenn, that's a fire. H- how do I know he'll change? You don't. But if you walk away now, you're gonna blow it. Just trust me. I know a thing or two about choking the clutch. Oh... Oh, I hate crying, almost as much as I hate fur. Oh. Toodle-bear? Is that you? Oh, honey, I miss you so much. I picked up your dry cleaning. It's scattered over Highway 46. Oh! They're not strangling each other, that's gotta be a good sign, right? - Yeah. - True love. You know it when you see it. We did it! We did it! Good-bye, booger-covered rump! Hello, Ashley! It's been fun, boys. But I should probably get back to my gang of knuckleheads. It's almost dinnertime, and none of them are allowed to use a stove. Hey, Angela. It wasn't a Taser, it was an inhaler. I know. Oh. So this is what victory feels like. Yeah, it is! ( Both cheering ) Can you believe it, man? We're just a twenty-minute drive from the DMV, and only a signature away from the Promised Land. Mr. Ninety-two percent pays off, Thank you, internet. No, I'm actually glad we helped him. You do good things for good people, and good things just happen. WOMAN: Mark! Mark! Ashley and Dean, do make a cute couple. You should probably start working out. Cannonball! Glenn. Why are you doing this? Promises were made, deals were struck. Please come back. ( Mark screams ) Glenn's a jerk. I can't believe he left us. After everything we did for him. What kind of a selfish monster abandons his friends and loved ones without so much as second thought? You gotta call Angela, dude. She's only our legal chaperon. I can't call Angela. We left on such a high. Just when I thought this day couldn't get any more humiliating. I think it's kind of fun. ( Tow truck towing ) Pick up the pace, slick, and don't tell your sister. Yes, sir. Right away, sir. ( Tow truck towing ) I just thought of a few other things you can drive without a license. Golf cart. Jet ski. Maybe like a big drill. That might be a special class of license. Thanks, buddy, but... I really don't have it in me to be cheered up. Most important thing to do now... is to just make sure that I'm not grounded for the rest of my life. On a scale of one to ten, how important's that to you? ( Mark gasps ) There you guys are. We've been looking for you everywhere. RUSSELL: Grounded for a month? You must be hating life pretty hard right now. Ugh, it's not so bad. I got my loyal buddy right across the way. It'll go by in a snap. So, I guess back to the bus on Monday. And every day. Not for long. Heroes never say die. Hey, in case you didn't realize, you didn't choke today. Sure, you gagged a little. RUSSELL: But the luggage slalom, the maniac squirrel, your magnificent speech, you passed your test. Even if you didn't you know... pass your test. You should be proud of regular Mark. Thanks, buddy. You meant both of us before, right? - We're both the heroes. - Yes. ( laughter ) MAN: Thank you. WOMAN: Oh, Glenn, you are a hoot! Who might this stranger be? And what has this stranger told you? I think somebody has a little explaining to do. How could you keep this as a secret? Ah, ah... I'm sure he was just trying to surprise you. I mean, he-he got so excited, he left before I could even tell him. Sometimes people just get so caught up in the moment they take off. You know, I hear that's a thing. But since your house is so close to my favorite corn dog stand, I'd figured I'd drop it off myself. Congratulations, you earned it! Looks like the coolest cat in this household just got a little bit cooler. By the way, you wouldn't happen to have a pair of boxer briefs I could borrow, would you? I'm on day two of a bathing suit and no clean laundry. Hey, that was really nice of your parents to suspend your grounding for the pool party. Yeah, Yeah, they're good like that. Listen, I... I wanna thank you for what you did, everything you went through. You're a better man than I. Glenn, could you say that one more time for me, please? You are a better man than I. You have no idea how good it feels, to hear you say that to me. I'm just glad I could help you out with your dream. I know you helped me with mine. Oh! Togo's my lab partner in clown college. Guy is a genius with seltzer. ( Honk honk ) Classic Togo. I'm sorry if this is a stupid question, but... - Where's your wife? - What's that now? Karen? The woman that we chased halfway across the state. Epic Adventures Karen? Oh, yeah, it didn't work out. GLENN: She was right, no spark. So, we parted ways. But, our little quest sure got my fire going. I re-enrolled in North Dakota Central State Clown College last night. You were so good at your old job. To be honest with you, I was just coasting. Would you believe I passed over ninety-two percent of my testees? Ninety-two percent. ( Rap music playing ) You don't say. Life is beautiful So full of blessings Each day is a brand new lesson Take a breathe to ease your stressing What you have is so impressing Coming together people coalescing If you don't know you can stop your guessing And we'll provide with one suggestion Then you'll find there's no contesting So, I vault over the wall, mimic the wing span of a common fruit bat, and, much like said fruit bat, I achieved flight. - That's amazing. - Yeah. That was some flight, fruit bat. RUSSELL: My journey through the sewer was far more dangerous. Don't you just wanna put him in your pocket? He's hilarious. I'm happy we decided to keep things small. Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, settle down, girlfriend. Come on. You know, I'm really glad we decided to come to this party together. Yeah, well, I'm really glad I got my license. I would have come with you even if your mom had to drive. I was just looking for an excuse to hang out with you. Come on It's a great day sunny and warm No clouds in the sky no traces of a storm Come on, silly. Expressions on the faces of the people as they stop That's how it is it's a positive lifestyle Oh, yes livin' it so fresh livin' it all Knocking down a obstacle like a wall Impossible to fall because you have wings Get up, get on your feet We got something you should see Thanks so much for getting my vanilla. You're welcome. Did I tell you that I'd to buy these twice? Some crazy man in his underwear ruined the first box. He actually kinda looks like that clown over there. Hey there, little fellow. Enjoy your poodle. ( Squeak squeak ) I'm sure that's just a coincidence.