The Spice is Right

(Setting: an ancient ruin. Aladdin, Abu, and Carpet are looking down a hole.)

Aladdin: Wow, I'll bet it's been a hundred years since the wind buried this place.

(Abu chatters nervously.)

Aladdin: I know. They've been gone a long time, Abu.

Iago: Gangway! Big bucks coming through! (flying out of the hole wearing a snorkel and flippers.) I hope.

(Abu points and laughs at Iago's clothing.)

Iago: Stupid apparatus! (takes it off) This was not my idea.

(Genie flies out of the hole wearing a scuba diving outfit.)

Genie: Greetings, landlubbers!

Aladdin: All right! What'd ya find, Genie?

(Genie goes back into the well and carries out a chest.)

Genie: Sure was deep! Whoever buried this must have wanted it to stay put!

Aladdin: (brushing dust off the chest) It says something about spice, Genie. Magic spice.

(Aladdin opens the chest; it is full of sparkling purple spice.)

Iago: I've heard about this stuff; it turns anything it touches into gold! (takes Abu's fez) Note, one polyester blend, sweat-stained monkey fez. (sprinkles spice on it) Watch it transform... (nothing happens) Gold! Gold! (pouring on more spice frantically) Come on, gold! Gold sesame!

(Abu takes his fez back.)

Iago: Maybe it's an invisibility spice. Yeah, that's it, invisibility. (puts some on himself) Here, can't see me at all, can you?

Genie: (shooing Iago away) 'Scuse me. (changes into an original Star Trek uniform, holding a tricorder) It's dead, Jim. There's more magic in a doornail. (changes into a Mexican outfit) Goes great on frijoles, though.

Iago: I knew it! I've never done manual labor that I didn't live to regret!

Aladdin: Hey, look at this! (pulls a necklace with a large purple jewel out of the chest)

Genie: A free prize in every box, kids! (taking the necklace) Hey, Al, this is no cheesy costume stuff! We're talkin' the real enchilada here!

Aladdin: It's beautiful!

(Something inside the jewel starts to swirl, and clouds begin to gather overhead.)

Iago: It must be worth a fortune. We can sell it! Rich at last! With my share I'll buy a solid gold perch... nah, that's too birdy. Make that a solid gold La-Z-Guy recliner!

Aladdin: This'll look great on Jasmine.

Iago: Well, so would a parrot-skin headdress, but I am not that big-hearted!

(The clouds overhead have turned black, and there is purple-colored lightning coming out of them.)

Aladdin: That's strange. It was clear just a moment ago.

(They jump out of the way just before lightning strikes, leaving a giant hole in the floor.)

Aladdin: Aah!

Genie: Ooh, the weather's really gone screwy since this hole-in-the-ozone thing.

Iago: (is struck by lightning) Aah!

Aladdin: Genie, can you stop this lightning?

Genie: Let's see now. History of lightning. (a kite appears next to him) Discovery of electricity. (Ben Franklin appears holding the kite) Discoverer of electricity. (electric shaver appears in Genie's hand) Electric shaver. (shaves off his beard) Hmm, smooth close shave.

Aladdin: (dodging lightning) Genie!

Genie: Lightning conductor! (changes into an orchestra conductor and is struck by lightning) Uh, wrong conductor. (creates a barn; a cow wanders out of it) Oops, my barn door's open. (The lightning strikes the weathervane on the top of the barn.) Yahoo! Woohoo! I just love the smell of electromagnetism in the morning!

(The wind blows the necklace out of Aladdin's hand.)

Aladdin: Abu, the necklace!

(Abu grabs the necklace, but the wind blows him into the chest, which slams shut. The storm immediately clears up.)

Aladdin: You did it, Genie!

Genie: Yeah, I did, didn't I? (spins the weathervane in his hand) Well, color me bad!

Aladdin: I just wonder where that purple lightning came from.

(Setting: the palace garden, later that day. Aladdin and his friends arrive on Carpet, carrying the chest of spice.)

Genie: I can't wait to see the look on Jasmine's face when you give her the necklace, Al.

Aladdin: Uh, I'd really like to give it to her in, um, private.

Genie: Ooh, private! I get it. (winks)

Aladdin: (takes the necklace out of the chest) Thanks for understanding, guys. (leaves)

(Abu sounds annoyed and follows after Aladdin.)

Iago: Boy, it takes absolute genius to give away a fortune to a girl who was born rich. Say, it's a shame to waste all of this nice, shiny spice, isn't it? Especially when we can take it to the marketplace and sell it.

Genie: That's a swell idea!

Iago: Well, it was nothing really...

Genie: Why, with the money Al can buy a shirt to go with that vest of his! (walks away carrying the chest)

Iago: (coughs) I had something a little less charitable in mind. Genie! Genie! Oh, Genie! Yoo-hoo!

(Iago runs off after Genie. Only Carpet is left in the garden.)

(Setting: Jasmine's room; she's brushing her hair while Rajah watches. Aladdin enters holding the necklace behind his back.)

Jasmine: Aladdin! You look happy. Did you find what you were looking for?

Aladdin: I found what I was looking for long before I departed Agrabah, when I met you.

Abu: Oh... (rolls his eyes)

Jasmine: Uh huh. When you lay it on this thick I know you're up to something.

(A tiny cloud has appeared high over Aladdin's head and starts to swirl.)

Aladdin: Just a little priceless treasure I picked up on my latest adventure. (puts the necklace around Jasmine's neck)

Jasmine: Aladdin, it's beautiful! Come on, I wanna show Father.

(Jasmine runs out of the room, pulling Aladdin with her; Abu follows. Rajah is growling at the growing cloud.)

Jasmine: Come, Rajah!

(Rajah leaves)

(Setting: the marketplace. Iago and Genie have a stand set up with the chest of magic spice on it.)

Iago: Spice! Get your magic spice! (grabs a passing man by the beard) Hey, Bosco! You should buy some magic spice.

Man: Magic? What kind of magic?

Genie: Mastery of the time-space continuum?

Man: Hmm... I give you five coppers.

Genie: Sold, for five coppers!

Iago: Take a hike, you hyena!

(The man runs away.)

Iago: Genie, magic spice doesn't come cheap. Get it?

Genie: Oh, I know that. Oh, if only we had some magic spice to sell...

Iago: Genie, this is magic spice, remember? We just don't know how it works yet. Maybe we need to, yanno, spice up the spice a little. (starts whispering something to Genie)

Genie: Hmm... bird's got a point.

(Setting: the palace. Aladdin and Jasmine are showing the necklace to Sultan.)

Sultan: Exemplary wedding present, my boy!

Aladdin: Huh? It wasn't a—

Sultan: I take it this means you and Jasmine have decided to get on with the royal marriage ceremony, hmm?

Aladdin: Er, well, sir, I...

Jasmine: (giggles) Actually, Father, it's not a wedding—

(There's a loud sound from behind them. They turn around to see the cloud from before, now as large as a person and coming towards them. The cloud disappears and a gray-skinned man appears in its place. Rajah growls at him, but when the man looks at him he becomes frozen. The man walks over to Jasmine.)

Man: Darling... (kisses Jasmine's hand)

Aladdin: Hey, look mister!

Man: You little matchmaker, you! I like her. (shakes Aladdin's hand) My name's Ayam Aghoul. Many thanks for unleashing me.

Aladdin: Unleashing you?

Ayam: (coughs out cobwebs) I haven't felt so alive since... Ooh, silly me. I've never been alive.

Jasmine: Ew! (wipes the hand he kissed frantically on her clothing)

Sultan: See here, sir! No one from beyond the grave kisses my daughter!

Ayam: Oh, I'm hardly just anyone. You're talking to the duke of the undead. You see, I once possessed that enchanted necklace. Any woman who wore it became my bride. I went through a long line of wives, until the day I tried slipping my necklace onto a comely young sorceress. She trapped me within my necklace! Where I stayed... until today, when you placed it on Jasmine, betrothing her as Ayam Aghoul's next bride. (takes a skull-shaped container wrapped in a bow out of his cape and offers it to Jasmine) For you, my love. (removes the lid, it is full of live spiders) Chocolate-covered spiders.

Aladdin: Don't worry, Jasmine, we can unbetroth you just as easy.

(Aladdin tries to remove the necklace but is hit by a bolt of purple lightning.)

Jasmine: Aladdin! (gasps)

Aladdin: That won't stop me!

(Ayam throws a bone on the floor, which turns into three skeletons.)

Aladdin: Whoa, this is getting weird. (to Abu) Let's rattle some bones!

(Aladdin knocks over all three skeletons, breaking them to pieces.)

Aladdin: Ha! Got any more cheap tricks, Aghoul?

(The bones reform into a giant, three-headed skeleton.)

Aladdin: Sorry I asked!

Sultan: Guards!

(Three guards enter the room, and two more skeletons appear.)

Fazal: Ew!

(The guards run at the two skeletons to attack them, but the skeletons rearrange their bones to form a cage, trapping the guards.)

(The three-headed skeleton catches Aladdin and Abu.)

Aladdin: Hey!

(The skeleton throws Aladdin off the balcony.)

Aladdin: (falling) Whoa!

Jasmine: Aladdin!

(The skeleton picks Jasmine up; she struggles to escape. Meanwhile, Carpet sees that Aladdin has fallen and flies after him.)

Jasmine: (under her breath) Carpet!

(Carpet catches Aladdin and Abu just before they hit the ground.)

Ayam: Time for the fitting! (two skeletons start measuring Ayam with tape measurers) Skeletons! They're creatures of destruction, they're tailors... gotta love 'em!

Jasmine: (to herself) Please, Carpet...

Ayam: Oh, so sorry about your young lad. I was going to make him my best man, you know. (to one of the skeleton tailors) Not so tight on the inseam; I'll need room to tango.

(As Sultan gives Jasmine a hug, Aladdin waves to them from out on the balcony.)

Sultan: He's alive!

(Jasmine covers Sultan's mouth, and Aladdin and Abu fly away on Carpet. They land in the palace garden.)

Aladdin: Oh, Carpet, this is all my fault. I had to give Jasmine that stupid necklace! Carpet, we need Genie!

(Setting: the marketplace, at Genie and Iago's stall. Genie is dressed as a salesman.)

Genie: Come on down! See the incredible miracle elixir spice of Agrabah! Straight out of the Sands of Time to you!

(Two men stop to watch for a moment, then keep walking, clearly unimpressed.)

Genie: Why just look at how magic spice cleans stains!

(Genie throws some spice on two children playing in mud. Nothing happens. The passersby are still unimpressed. Genie uses his own magic to zap the dirt from the children's clothing. Everyone is amazed, thinking the magic spice did it.)

Genie: Witness how magic spice grows hair! (puts some on the head of a bald man, then zaps him, giving him a full beard and long hair) And see magic spice revolutionize transportation! (puts some spice on a camel, then zaps it, making it grow twice as long and giving it six humps) Behold, the airport limo camel! Gets you to the airport hundreds of years before check-in! Anyone interested in a little spice?

(The stall is mobbed with customers.)

Iago: (taking customers' payments) Oh, I've died and gone to heaven! It's a good place.

(Carpet flies up to the stall.)

Genie: Magic spice is so all-purpose, it can even make you disappear! (Carpet flies under Genie's feet and lifts him up into the air.)

Iago: That's right, folks! The magic disappearing spice! Available here... for a price.

(Setting: the palace. Jasmine, Sultan, and Ayam Aghoul are on a balcony, looking down into the garden.)

Ayam: Feast your eyes on your magnificent future, Jasmine.

(Skeletons are carrying stone blocks into the garden and stacking them up in a pile.)

Ayam: The nice thing, Dad, is that Jasmine will stay close. We're moving in right next door.

Sultan: Oh my.

Ayam: White ribcage fence, a little carnivorous plant garden out back. Our little dream house, with you, my wife, to keep it spotless.

Jasmine: What?! I'll never clean your house! (runs back inside, into the throne room)

Ayam: (angry) For a second there, Jasmine dear, I thought you didn't appreciate my offer of domestic bliss.

(There's a squeaking sound coming from out on the balcony. Ayam leaves Jasmine alone and goes out to see what it is. Abu is out on the balcony riding a mechanical sphinx. He waves at Ayam.)

Abu: Hello!

(Ayam looks confused, then advances on Abu angrily. A pyramid falls out of the sky and lands on Ayam, destroying the balcony in the process. We then see Genie and Aladdin on the roof of the palace, shaking hands, with Abu and Carpet watching.)

Genie: The strength of a thousand Teamsters in one little finger. I love being a genie!

Aladdin: (flying down into the throne room) I think that dream house suits him much better.

Jasmine: Oh, Aladdin, you won!

(Aladdin runs toward Jasmine to give her a hug, but Ayam appears in front of her, and Aladdin accidentally hugs him instead.)

Aladdin: Ick!

Ayam: So, it's a fight you want, is it, boy?

Aladdin: Great, I gotta fight this guy and he's already dead!

(Ayam turns into a giant whirlwind, which spits out purple lightning bolts.)

Genie: Don't sweat it, Al. (the weathervane appears in his hand) I got this one down, remember? (turns into a cowboy, imitating John Wayne's voice) All right, listen up, ya twinklin' purple Tesla coil, ya!

(Ayam electrocutes Genie.)

Genie: Yow! (dizzily) Best two outta three? (passes out)

(The whirlwind changes back into Ayam.)

Ayam: Some advice for you, boy. Start looking for a new girlfriend. For once Jasmine enters my dream house with me, she'll be mine for eternity.

Aladdin: What do you mean, "for eternity"?

Ayam: Oh, I guess I haven't formally introduced you to my other wives.

(Ayam claps his hands and three skeletons appear behind Jasmine, giggling and holding cobweb fans.)

Ayam: Quite a harem, eh? (laughs)

(Setting: later, outside Ayam Aghoul's house, which is almost completed. Aladdin, Abu, and Genie are watching the skeletons work.)

Genie: So those are his wives! I gotta tell ya, Al: Jasmine really looks much better with skin.

Aladdin: (sigh) I'm gonna lose her, Genie, and it's all my fault.

Abu: Oh...

Genie: You're right kid. All your fault.

Aladdin: Huh?

Genie: You know, the situation. Mingle with zombies, pay the price. You have every right to feel like a creep. Creep.

Aladdin: Now, wait a minute here! How was I supposed to know giving Jasmine a gift was gonna unleash that guy!

(Genie sticks a fish in Aladdin's mouth.)

Genie: (dressed as an animal trainer) Good boy! Aladdin will encore with a double somersault through seven fiery hoops, but, for his next trick... (changes back to normal) he'll stop blaming himself so we can put the kibosh on Count Dracula.

Aladdin: You're right, Genie. Aghoul mentioned that a sorceress once trapped him within his own necklace. We have to figure out how she did it!

Genie: Hmm, that's a toughie. You're right, Al. You shoulda left that dumb spice chest buried where you found it.

Aladdin: Wait a minute... the necklace was buried in the spice! Genie, that spice was magic! I unleashed Aghoul when I pulled the necklace out of the chest!

Genie: So the spice stopped the lightning storm the first time... not me. (to the weathervane) What good are you?!

Aladdin: If I'm right, it's not too late to lock Aghoul up again. So Genie, where's the spice?

Genie: (guilty) Ha ha... Al, uh, ya see, Iago had a, yanno, idea, that...

Aladdin: You did what!?

(Setting: later, outside Ayam's house. The skeletons are putting on the finishing touches while Ayam, Jasmine, and Sultan watch. Jasmine is wearing a purple and gray dress with a veil.)

Ayam: Behold, the portal through which we enter our eternal home. Après vous?

Jasmine: Over my dead body!

Genie: Places, people, places! (enters wearing a bizarre outfit) What's a wedding without — ta da! — your friendly neighborhood wedding consultant! (whispers to Jasmine) Al says we've gotta stall. (to Ayam) Look alive, people! Except you, of course.

Ayam: No one hired you!

Genie: Now, don't be coy, zombie-man. The sultan did, didn't you, handsome?

Sultan: Uh, well, I...

Ayam: I'm the only wedding consultant we'll need!

Jasmine: Oh, come on, Ayam, it's an old Agrabanian custom.

Ayam: Okay, but be quick about it.

Genie: Beloved gathered friends, we now initiate the hallowed Agrabanian wedding ceremony. (creates a limbo stick and a stereo) Let's limbo! (limbos under the stick) Day-o!

Jasmine: (to Ayam) Après vous?

(Setting: the marketplace. Aladdin, Abu, and Carpet fly up to Iago's stall, where he is rolling in a pile of coins and laughing.)

Iago: I made it! Ah ha ha! Little me! (singing) Mama's little Polly loves money, money... (laughs)

Aladdin: Iago, snap out of it! Where's the spice?

Iago: The spice? I sold it all! Where d'ya think I got all of this lovely, shiny, beautiful money?

Aladdin: (devastated) Sold all the spice?

Iago: Relax, you'll get your cut: five percent. (under his breath) Minus stand rental and my commission.

Aladdin: (angry) We have to get that spice back! Where is it?

Iago: Okay, okay, okay... Ten percent, forget the rental, and I'll throw in the genie's cut.

(They overhear a man nearby talking to himself and turn around. They see he has a pile of magic spice on his bald head.)

Man: It worked faster before. Maybe I'm not doing it right.

(Nearby, Omar the merchant is rubbing spice on a camel's backside.)

Omar: Hmm... well, perhaps it takes more rubbing for the airport limo camel.

Aladdin: We have to buy it back, even if it means paying double their purchase price!

Iago: No! No! This can't be happening!

(Setting: outside Ayam's house. Ayam and Genie are standing at the top of an extremely tall diving board.)

Genie: Oh, yes! The pita bread high dive, it's a must for the groom.

Ayam: Are you sure this is proper wedding custom in Agrabah?

Genie: Just make sure you hit it dead center. (points to a pita that has been placed under the diving board)

(Jasmine and Sultan are watching from below.)

Jasmine: Yes, that's a special honor!

Sultan: My word, Jasmine, I've never heard of this custom and I'm the sultan.

Genie: (pushing Ayam off the diving board) Break a leg!

(Ayam hits the ground so hard that he ends up half-buried. Genie goes down to the ground and pulls him out. Ayam has the pita stuck to his face. Genie pulls it off of him and measures it with a measuring tape.)

Genie: Aw, too bad, Champ. Missed dead center by a hair. Good thing for you we've got lots more pita bread! (holds up two big plastic bags full of pitas)

Ayam: Enough!

(Ayam shoots a bolt of magic at the door of his house, which starts to open slowly. All that can be seen inside is a bright red light. Ayam grabs Jasmine's arm.)

Ayam: And now my dear, enter eternity with me.

(Purple light surrounds Ayam and Jasmine, and they raise into the air and begin to float toward the doorway. Genie jumps in front of them.)

Genie: Excuse me, but you haven't paid the deejay!

(Ayam zaps Genie out of the way.)

Jasmine: I'll never love you.

Ayam: If I waited for love I'd still be a bachelor. (chuckles)

(Aladdin, Abu, and Iago swoop down from the sky on Carpet. Aladdin jumps off the carpet and tackles Ayam.)

Ayam: What do you think you're doing?

Aladdin: Just giving back something that belongs to you! (takes the chest of spice off of Carpet and opens it)

Ayam: Aah! Not that cursed spice!

Iago: I hear ya, pal. It's brought me nothing but heartache, too.

(Ayam struggles with Aladdin and pushes him to the ground, then tries to shoot him with a bolt of purple lightning and misses. The bolt does, however, make a crack in the ground large enough that Aladdin can't get over it to reach Ayam. Ayam grabs Jasmine, and the purple light surrounds them again.)

Ayam: We'll send a postcard from our honeymoon.

Aladdin: Jasmine! No!

(Aladdin leaps over the crack in the ground and runs towards them, but it's too late: Ayam and Jasmine have entered the house and the door has shut behind them.)

Aladdin: (sadly) No, it can't be. Come back, Jasmine.

Jasmine: Aladdin.

(Aladdin turns around to see Jasmine standing behind him. They hug.)

Aladdin: But, if you're out here, who's in there?

(Inside the house)

Ayam: Well, darling, how do you like it?

(The fake Jasmine turns around, and we can see that it's Genie in a dress.)

Genie: Oh, I don't know. Maybe with some cafe curtains over the window. Maybe with some windows, for that matter...

(The doors to Ayam's house open and he emerges, angrily, and starts shooting lightning bolts at Aladdin.)

(Aladdin grabs some of the magic spice and throws it on Jasmine's necklace, which causes it to fall off. When this happens, Ayam clutches at his chest as if he's in pain. Abu then picks up the fallen necklace and throws it in the spice chest. A whirlwind emerges from the spice, sucking Ayam inside. Abu slams the chest shut.)

(Jasmine's purple dress changes back to her normal clothes. The bone cage trapping the guards falls apart. Rajah unfreezes. Ayam's house disappears. Genie appears in the garden with the others, wearing a tattered purple dress.)

Genie: (sobbing) Always a genie, never a bride... Oh, well. Better unwed than undead.

Aladdin: (handing Genie the chest) Genie, make sure this is buried someplace no one will ever find it. (sighs) I'm sorry about your present, Jasmine.

Jasmine: Oh, it's the thought that counts. Besides, it looks like Iago's the one who'll really miss it.

Iago: Look, Genie, there's plenty of other towns! We could get quadruple the price! We could retire tomorrow! For my sake, think about what you're throwing away!

(Genie slingshots the chest off somewhere over the horizon.)

Iago: Oh, the humanity!