Food Truckin'

I got a visual lock on sandwiches. Where? One o'clock. 1:00? But I'm hungry now! Tina: Are they ice cream, or regular? Louise: Both. Gene and Tina: Whoa. Keep it in your pants, guys. Psst. Here comes your father. Nice try. I saw you looking. Mom says it's okay to look. Yeah, we're married, not buried! Look, I know you kids are excited about the food trucks that are stealing our business and bankrupting us. I'm excited. What's so great about getting food from a truck? There's no sitting area. There's no bathroom. There's long lines. Who eats like that? Animals eat like that. I don't know, Bob, I think it's nice. It's like camping. Except without all that awful nature. It's just a trend, Lin, and anyway, say good-bye to the trucks, kids. Because tomorrow we are taking back the street. And taking back the night! Respect for women! My body, my rules! (Western music plays, a hawk screeches) Okay, we're gonna block all the spots in front of the restaurant. You ready? Go! (Gasps) (groans) Go away! This street's haunted. Bobby, they're everywhere. We're outnumbered. I told you we should've had more children! (Grunting): I'm just gonna let you tire yourself out. Gene, stop. This was a terrible idea. Plan B, Dad! I'm slashing tires! No! Then they'll never leave. I'll poison the tires. It's the documentarian who hates Dad and puts wigs on cows. Werner Herzog? Oh, hello, Bob! I forgot you lived-slash-worked here. Well, I do. And you're blocking my restaurant with your ridiculous food truck. Ode to Soy? I'm soy excited that you like it. I don't. What are you doing here? Are you making another documentary? No. Filmmaking was just a hobbytunity for me. And now you own a food truck? How can you afford this? Hmm... I have my ways, Bob. One of those ways is that I have inheritance from my grandfather. You'll be able to read all about my food trucking journey in my blook. What's a "blook"? A blonde cook. Blooks have more fun. No. It's a blog I'm writing that I'm turning into a book. And then probably a bloovie. You-you can't take two words and make them into one stupider word, Randy. Well, Bob, now you're not invited to the blemiere. Aww. Well, good luck with your terrible vegan food. Oh, thanks, Bob. Good luck with your terrible life. Good luck with your stupid walk. I hate the way you walk. Oh, good luck with wearing that face all over the world. Good luck with your ble... your blemishy face. My what? B... B... B-wha? Good luck with your speech therapy. See, this is what I mean... idiots in trucks selling food to idiots on the sidewalk. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I want it! Oh, Genghis Flan! I think I saw pizza straws! Oooh, Ain't Muffin To it! Yay! Se Bob? Look around... food trucks are the future. No, they're a trend. Yes, the trend of the future. Well, maybe I'll just get my own food truck, Randy, and park it right out front here. You should! Maybe I will! You seriously should! It's a good idea! Then if it's a good idea, I'm going to do it! Well, I hope that you do, because it is a good idea! Well, do you seriously think it's a good idea?! Yes, I do! That's what I'm trying to tell you! Well, then, I will do it! All right, I'm glad you took my advice! Well, I'm not mad at you anymore! I'm not mad at you in the first place! 'Cause if you think it's a good idea, I should get a food truck! Bob, I'm just mirroring your energy! Fine. I'm... my point is I'm a cook. I could do it. Right? Okay. Yes. I think it's a good idea. Thank you. What happened there? (Phone rings) Bob's Burgers. Bob (on phone): Lin, I did it. Did what? Bob: Look out in the street. I'm fighting back. Linda: I'm looking. I'm not seeing anything. You're scaring me. Bob: Just pull the cord and come to the window. What? Nothing's there. Bob: Okay, switch to the cordless. It broke. Bob: Eh... Never mind. Just come outside. Gotta go. Bob: What do you mean, you have to go? You don't have to say "gotta go," I'm on the phone with you. Oh. Bob: I said come outside. What do you mean, "gotta go"? I'm nerv... You're making me nervous. Bob: Just come outside. Gotta go. (Ice-cream truck music plays) Ta-dah! Ahhh. What is it? I bought a food truck. I'm gonna show 'em, Lin! I'm gonna show 'em all! (Engine sputters and dies) Don't, don't breathe that. (coughs) I'm sure it's fine. Bobby, you bought a food truck? How can we afford this? We can't. Really. I had to dip into Gene's college fund. Nah, I probably won't be needing it. But what about all that stuff you said about not giving in to trends? We're selling out! Yeah! Gene, we're not selling out. We're gonna steal customers from our own restaurant. We'll never see it coming. This truck needs a makeover. Makeover, ooh! We're gonna turn this whore into a Pretty Woman! Big mistake! Big! I love that part. When she does that. She goes in the store. Bob, you're not gonna close the restaurant, are you? Now that you're a hotshot food truck guy? I'm not a food truck guy, Teddy. Besides, I can't afford to close the restaurant. I'm just stealing my customers back. I... You don't have to steal me back. I never buy anything off a truck except stereos and stamps. Love that stamp truck. Tina (on walkie-talkie): Bob's one to Bob's two. Tina, use our code names! Tina: Oh, sorry. Black Beauty to Music Man and The Godfather. What's your 20? Over. We're in the wheelbarrow with Back-hair and The Jackal. I better be the Jackal. Dad. Grow up. Okay, I got the flat-top all installed here. Couple things to know. I rigged it so the grease'll drain into this trap. You don't open it while you're driving, or you'll coat the road behind you. Cars'll be slipping and sliding all over the place. Slippity-slide! It's not a joke. It's very serious. Ah, it sounds funny. Oh, one more thing; This is important. What was it? Oh, yeah, you can't have the truck and the grill going at once. Okay. What'll happen? Could be fine, could be a giant fireball. Hey, does this turn the grill on? Yes, it does, Gene. Gene, no! So, you want me to just start over here, Bob? (Sighs) Yup. Same invoice? Why not? Who else doesn't want to go to college? Me! Me! Louise: It's weird to look at the restaurant now. I can't believe I used to work there. This must be how the astronauts felt the first time they saw the Earth from space. So small. So fragile. This isn't so bad, right? It's tight quarters, but it's kind of cozy. If by "cozy," you mean it reeks. Yeah, why do your armpits smell like feet? And his feet smell like chili! 'Cause I don't wash. But do you season? Get up, Gene. Hi, I'm Tina. May I take your order? Sure, Dina. I'll have a... No. My name is, uh... Dina. Okay. That's what I said. Tina's on break. Dina's filling in... and I'm her. Kids, hold down the fort. I gotta drop a potato in the crockpot. Got it. Back-hair's deucin', over. Copy that. Wait. Where's everybody going? Oh, Bob, you're adorably naive. Food trucks go wherever hungry people are! Like super heroes. Like super heroes! Well, where is that, exactly? I'll never tell! Okay, the flea market and then the baseball game. Look, just... just follow me on Chowster. Adieu, Robert, adieu! Chowster? It's a site where we can post where the truck's gonna be every day, so people can follow us. You're gonna move the truck around? Can it even drive? Yes! I think. Downhill. I thought we were just gonna park out in front and steal our own customers. If you drive around, you'll be stealing someone else's. Yeah, well, we're not making enough money stealing from ourselves. Great. While you're in the party truck, I'll hold down the fort. The boring old fort with no wheels. Looks like we're adding "whine" to the menu. The road will be the perfect place for Dina. She's restless. (Grunts) Oh. (grunts) What should we call ourselves? We need a handle online. The Cat Burger-lers. Hmm, we're not an improv group. Beef curtains. Gene. Mm. You said I could say that once a year. Yes, on your birthday. @BobsBurgersFoodTruck is just fine. Yeah, if this was three years ago. Oh, you were serious. Beef curtains! ♪ ♪ ♪ Meet me on the road ♪ ♪ Hauling quite a load ♪ ♪ Taking lots of drugs, I don't know what ♪ ♪ A pen in a jug ♪ ♪ Gettin' rest stop tugs ♪ ♪ Might've hit a man, but didn't stop. ♪ Yo-ho! Guys! Guess who closed the restaurant and came on the road? We're gonna be like the Partridge family, but with food. You closed the restaurant? Lin, we need to have both going at the same time. Fine, then you go work there. I don't want to. Good! So make room for Mommy in the fun-bus! Dad, drive. Hey, hey! Bob: Lin, come on. Gene and Louise: Okay, go. I'm not in! Don't go! Gene: Yes! Go, go, go. Louise: Drive! Where you going? Hey, my foot! I told you this would be fun. Hey! Bob: All right. Everybody out. Bedtime. In the house? I hate the house. Now that we're not doing the restaurant, the house feels kind of pointless. What do you want to do, sleep in the truck? I'll go get the sleeping bags. Yeah! And my moisturizing gloves! And Tina's body pillow! He has a name! Sorry, Jeffrey. A new name calls for a new look. And a new voice. Tina talks like this. (Same voice): Dina talks like this. Nice-sized line, Bob. You're almost getting the hang of this. Yeah, you know, it's fun. Too bad we're not making any profit. Between the repairs, the gas... Hey, Dad... and that, we are still in the red. Oh, well, if you want to actually make money on this, you've got to get on the festival circuit. First one of the season is this weekend. Lolla-PA-foods-a? Isn't it funny how much more I know than you? No. I think it's embarrassing. Anyway... Everyone gets drunk and spends lots of money. And this year Tabitha Johansson is headlining the concert. Tabitha who? (Scoffs): The sexy pianist. She sings that song about oil spills, but you know she's talking about her v*g1n*. Gene. How do you know that? It's not subtle. It really isn't. Plus, the most popular truck gets a cash prize: A thousand bucks. Wow, that sounds great. We could really use a thousand bucks. The festival circuit. Maybe we'll never come home! Why would you? Yeah. We can get truck-schooled! And have truck prom. Hey, you'd be friends with everyone in school! You would. Oh, yeah. All right. Everyone's got their seat belt on. (Snores) Linda: Ooh... Ooh! This thing is big and intimidating. I don't know if I should drive it... Hey, Jennifer Slow-pez! Get the hell out of the road! My God, Lin. What? What's gotten into you? I don't know. This truck just makes me feel so powerful. I think I'm okay now. Hey, Driving Miss Crazy, pick a lane! Hurry up! Hurry up! Lin, are you okay? You seem a little on edge. I'm hopped up on bennies, Bob. Don't tell the kids. What? Where'd you get those? They hooked me up at the truck stop. See? These are non-drowsy antihistamines. Well, whatever they are, they're doing the trick. (Groans) It's gonna take forever to get inside. No, it won't. No one's using this right-hand lane, I'll tell you that. Uh, Lin, I think this is the sidewalk. (Horn blares, man gasps) Use the crosswalk, you maniac! You're gonna get yourself killed! Okay, you guys are my street team. We need to make some money, and it wouldn't hurt to win "most popular truck." Gene, Louise you're gonna pass out samples. I wouldn't mind passing out samples. Dina's ready to mingle. Fine by me! Let the new girl do it. Fine, just be aggressive. Dina only plays offense. Gene, Louise, you write our Chowster updates. Make us sound cool. Okay. Should I just write negative stuff about the other trucks so that people will come to ours? No, You should not do that. Okay, I definitely won't. Free samples. Bob's Burgers. Hey, cool glasses. Thanks. I need them to see. Ha! Is this organic? Sure. Is it grass-fed? Yes. Cruelty-free? Is it bison? That one is. Do these pair well with an IPA? It goes well with all letters. IPA, CSI, PTA, IRS, HMO, OMG. Where are you selling these? Uh, right over there. And that's how Dina plays the game. Man: Oh, yeah, totally. The definition of free-range, you know? Let's start with the dumpling stand. (Eating loudly) Okay, how was it? Mm, I wouldn't kick it out of bed for eating crackers. It tastes like they actually went to the dump to get this dumpling. That's not what I said. (munching) Woof! Someone put a leash on this quiche! (Munching) Let's not get this party tarted! (Chuckles, munching) These crepes gave me cramps! Hey, guys, what have you been doing? Lying on Chowster. You? Lying to hipsters. I'm lying to myself. I do not look good in shorts. (Crowd murmung) Wow, this is going great, huh, Lin? Drunk people like hamburgers. It's not science. ♪ Oh, it's hot and wet and slick ♪ ♪ And it's making everybody sick ♪ (breathy): ♪ Oil spill! ♪ ♪ Oil spill ♪ ♪ Oil spill. ♪ Ugh, you were right. It's not subtle. See? Ooh, thank you, everyone. And now I'd like to welcome festival chairman Paul Blinkman to announce the food truck winner. Hello, everybody, it's Paul Blinkman. How we doing out there? What the hell?, @BobsBurgersFoodTruck? "More like Boo-ritos"?! Trying to spread rumors, huh? You ruined my business today. "Samosas on a Stick will make your butt sick"? Wait. What? Wow, Dad, I didn't know you were such a mean girl. He's a nasty bitch. Oh, Louise, you didn't. Okay, it's the moment you've all been waiting for. What an amazing competition this year, and we have a winner... it's a new truck... Bob's Burgers! (laughs) Hey, Bobby! Bob's Burgers! We won! Sorry, gotta go. Whoo! Boo! Boo! Boo! (Crowd booing) Come on. Don't boo. Look, I'm sorry my daughter wrote mean things about you and that we knocked off some of your mirrors. You're the one who knocked off my mirror? Boo! You're not even creative. You just make hamburgers. You're the worst! You're the worst! Oh, yeah? Well, guess what. We won! We schooled you! I liked his burgers. And they're grass-fed, cruelty-free soy-bison. Soy bison? No they're not. That's what Dina said. Uh... You lied to us! This is fraud! Freak! Liar! This is fraud! Dina, what have you done? Let's get him! My dad can take all of you, you weak hippies! Gene! Okay, maybe just the drunk guy who barfed on his baby. (laughs woozily) I'm going to throw a falafel at him! There! Ooh, this crowd has energy! Uh-o. Bob, kids, get back in the truck. Tabitha: ♪ Ener-g-gy! ♪ I'm just going to, uh... go! Tabitha: Energ-g-gy! Oh! Oh, Dina, you are more trouble than you're worth. So long, Dina. Uh, everyone, stop. Let me... Wait! Stop! If you want to get to Bob, you're gonna have to go through me first. Let's get both of 'em! (Crowd clamoring) Here he is! Bob, Bob, let me in. What? You just turned against me, Randy. Please, Bob. I'm not strong. (Sighs) Fine. Whew, that was close, but we're safe now. There's nothing they can do to us in here. (Screaming) (banging) Is everyone alright? I'm alright. Kids? I can't feel my legs. (farts) Oh, never mind, it's just gas. Hey, Dad, the truck's upside down. I know, Tina. Okay. These foodies are showing some spine, and I like it! Again! Oh, God, we're gonna die! If I survive you, Bobby, I won't get remarried... for two years. I don't want to die a virgin. Me neither. Wait, that gives me an idea. No, no. I never should have given in to this stupid food truck fad. I miss the restaurant. Me, too. What is going on out there!? This was just supposed to be a food festival. Louise: Holy crap. Burn, you beautiful bench, burn! Burn, you beautiful bench, burn! It's nuts out there. I'll give them an hour until they're eating each other. I hope you're happy with yourselves. Look what your Chowster bullying did! Our bullying got us a thousand-dollar check! What about Tina's lies? It wasn't me, it was Dina. It's not a lie if you lie to vegetarians. You taught us that. I-I did teach you that. What about your road rage, Mom?! Yeah! What about it? It's not very good. Can we agree that Randy is blameless here? No. No. Whoa! Almost blameless? All of this started because of you! You got me on Chowster! You told me to come to this festival! All good advice! Look, if it'll make you feel better, I'll do something you tell me to do. Okay, punch yourself in the face, you idiot. I just was punched in the face... by your harsh words! Look, let's just lock the doors, hunker down and wait this out. Mm. Talk to me, Goose. What's going on out there? It's Lolla-PA-snooze-a-la out there. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. (People snoring) (quietly): Jump down, Randy. I'm scared. Oh, my God. I have weak ankles. Fine, stay up. (grunts) I thought you were gonna catch me. Catch you? Why would I catch you? Boys, stop fighting! Let's do the plan! (All grunting, truck creaking) Yeah! All right! No! No, no, no! No, no, no! (All screaming) Everyone, get in! Get in! Let's get 'em! (Grunting) (tires squeal) Gene, release the grease trap. Release the grease! (Gasping) Yes! See? I knew it was funny! We're doing it! We're losing 'em. Go, us. Ooh. Nice grill. May I? Randy, no! What? (Slo-mo yell): No...! Don't worry, everyone, only 15 miles to go. We almost had it all, didn't we? At least we didn't lose this check. I've got half of it right here! That's $500. That's not how it works, Gene. Yes, it is! You're not a bank. Oh, hey, Bob, I met a really interesting guy at the festival. He's got a holistic glassblowing studio. You want take the intro class with me? Oh, yeah, I do, Randy. Really? No. Hmm, so you lied. Yeah, Dad. Blow glass with Randy and some interesting guy. That sounds great. Okay, let's play the quiet game until we get back. Oh-ho-ho, you've done it now; I am great at the quiet game. Okay, so start now. Okay, I have started. And here we go. Well, you're already losing 'cause you just said something. I'm pretty sure I'm winning. Obviously. What are you talking about? The whole point of the quiet game is to stop talking. Let's start over. Round two. Okay, here we go. You just lost again. What are you talking about? Gene? So far, two nothing, me. You just lost. Louise, you want to say something? Ah... Did I win?! (Chuckles) No, you just lost. (Snoring) (bicycle bell rings) Bob?! Oh.