Muscle Mentor

(The episode begins with Mordecai and Rigby drinking coffee on the house's steps)

Mordecai: Alright, let's get back to work.

Rigby: Whoa, whoa, whoa! We should go get a coffee first.

Mordecai: What? We just had a coffee.

Rigby: Well, now hang on. Hear me out. We'll go to the coffee shop, get another coffee and a jelly donut--

Mordecai: No, dude! We got to stay here and get back to work.

Rigby:  "No, dude! We got to stay here and get back to work." Listen to you, man. I'm gonna start calling you Benson Junior.

(The real Benson overhears Rigby as he turns on a faucet, and turns his head)

Mordecai: Dude, Benson can't stand it when you leave jobs before they're even finished.

Rigby: Oh, please. (Benson pops his head into view) What's he gonna do?

Mordecai: Dude, stop.

Rigby: (waving hands) Fire me?

Mordecai: (through teeth) It's Benson!

Rigby: Yeah, I know it's Benson! That's how it works around here. I don't do my work, and he doesn't do a thing about it. It's a win-win.

Benson: (walks in from behind the staircase to Rigby, angrily) Actually, it's a lose-lose, 'CAUSE YOU'RE FIRED!

Rigby: Whoa!, Benson! I was just messing around. Sorry about that. I'm just gonna go back to work now, okay? (Rigby starts running up the stairs)

Benson: No, you're not! You're actually fired. (points back) I want you out of here.

Rigby: I'm sorry, Benson. It won't happen again!

Mordecai: Can't you just give him another chance? (Pops walks in, carrying a wagon with a flower pot)

Pops: What's going on here?

Mordecai: Benson just fired Rigby.

Pops: Why, what's the matter, Benson?

Benson: Well, for one, he never finishes his work.

Rigby: That's not true! I always finish my work.

(mini-montage of Rigby slacking off: First, he's playing video games as a vacuum cleaner runs behind him. Then, he's playing on the spring set as his sack and trashstick lay in the background. And finally, he stands asleep as he holds a running hose)

Rigby: Okay. So, maybe I don't always finish my work, but, you never told me how to! How am I suppose to do something I don't even know how to do?

Benson: I don't know. If you haven't figured it out already, you're not gonna figure it out anytime soon! I want you outta here!

Pops: Benson, Benson, calm down. Now I can see why you're distraught, but perhaps you can grant him one more chance?

Benson: No way. I've already given him too many.

Pops: But, he does have a point. He's never been properly trained.

Rigby: Yeah, I do have a good point! A really good point! Isn't there some kind of training thing or something like Pops is saying that I can do?

Benson: You mean like a mentorship program?

Rigby: Yeah, a mentorship program! Exactly! That's what I need to get my life back on track.

Pops: Ah, yes, a mentor! That sounds like a wonderful idea.

Benson: Oh. (turns to Rigby) So you want a mentorship program? (zoom in closer to his head) Well, I'll give you a mentorship program.

(Shortly later, Benson calls Muscle Man through a walkie-talkie )

Benson: Muscle Man, this is Benson. Are you there? Over.

Muscle Man: (over walkie-talkie) Talk to me. Over.

Benson: Muscle Man... (looks off) ...do you still have that mentoring harness?

(clock transition to some time later. Skips tightens the mentoring harness onto Muscle Man, then, he plugs Rigby, wearing a straightjacket, into the front plug of the mentoring harness)

Muscle Man: (supposedly into fourth wall) Hey, everybody, look! (shaking Rigby) It's Rig-Baby!

Rigby: Quit it! (slaps Muscle Man's hands off of him)

Benson: Alright, Rigby. Here's how this mentorship is going to go down. You have to remain attached to Muscle man for an entire eight-hour shift so he can show you how to do your job. If at any time you don't think you can handle it... (points out ripcord on the front of the straightjacket) ...you can just pull that ripcord and walk away.

Muscle Man: Yeah! Walk away right back to livin' in yo mama's basement, where you can quit all you want! (laughs)

(Benson watches his wristwatch go to 8:59:59 to 9:00, and then it beeps)

Benson: The clock is ticking, boys, you better get moving. (walks away)

Muscle Man: You're gonna be the best employee in the park by the time I'm through with you. (zoom closer into head) Because we're about to work real hard.

(Clock transition to a certain part of the park with Muscle man and Rigby about to go to work)

Muscle Man: Alright, time for lesson 1. Lesson 1 is always stay calm.

(Muscle man brings Rigby down to the fertilizer. Rigby groans in disgust)

Rigby: Aren't you gonna close the bag?

Muscle Man: Save all questions till the end of the lesson.

Rigby: Agh! (whining) But it reeks!

Muscle Man: I don't care if it reeks! Just stay calm and you'll get through it...unless you wanna quit, cause that's how it sounds right now!  (Puts hand on ripcord) 

Rigby: Wait! No, no! Don't!

(Benson, who is driving the cart, checks on Muscle Man and Rigby's progress)

Benson: Is everything alright here?

Muscle Man: He asked you a question, Rig-baby. Answer your boss when he speaks to you.

Rigby: (nervous and sweating) Fine! Everything's fine!

Benson: If he steps out of line, don't hesitate to pull that thing.

Muscle Man: You ain't gotta tell me twice. (talks to Rigby) Now pick up that bag of fertilizer, Rig-baby!

Rigby: UGGGHOHHHH!

Benson: Just sit back and watch a pro. This guy's better at mentoring than anyone I've ever seen.

Pops: I never knew Muscle man was such an expert! Benson, that was so good of you to give Rigby another chance.

(You can see Pops' reflection on Benson's sunglasses) 

Benson: Yep, that's exactly the kind of guy I am.

(Clock transition to the house)

Muscle Man: Lesson 2 is stay cool. If you overheat, you might not finish your job.

(Lifts Rigby up towards the direction of the sun) 

Rigby: Ugh! Come on, man!

Muscle Man: Gotta keep my baby soft skin soft for my lady. But you wouldn't know nothing about that, would you, Rig-baby?

Rigby: Let me down! It's too hot! Let me down!! (hits Muscle Man on the head with his elbow)

Muscle Man: Oh, I'll let you down alright!

(Muscle Man threatens Rigby by trying to pull the ripcord)

Rigby: Wait! I'm sorry! (Weakens the grip of Muscle man's arm on the ripcord)

Muscle Man: One more of those and you're out of here.

Rigby: (Pants 2 times) Benson, what time is it?

Benson: It's 11:43.

Mordecai: Benson, You can't do this to people!

Benson: You better shut up or I'll give you a mentor.

Rigby: (groans)

(Clock transition to a different part of the park where Muscle man is teaching Rigby lesson 3)

Muscle Man: Rig-baby, repeat lessons 1 and 2.

Rigby: Lesson 1, stay calm. Lesson 2, is be cool.

Muscle Man: (correcting Rigby) Stay cool.

Rigby: Yeah, stay cool.

Muscle Man: Alright, forget those two lessons.

Rigby: WHAT!?

Muscle Man: Lesson 3 is the only one that matters. Lesson 3 is never quit. You say it.

Rigby: Never quit.

Muscle Man: What?

Rigby: (slightly louder) Never quit.

Muscle Man: I'm sorry, did you say something, Rig-baby?

Rigby: I said never quit!

(Muscle man turns on an automatic grass trimmer to drown out Rigby's voice so he can talk louder)

Muscle Man: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Rigby: Never quit!

Muscle Man: You sound like a quiet little quitter!

Rigby: NEVER QUIT!

Muscle Man: I'm gonna yank this chord, just like your mom yanked that pacifier out of your little baby mouth!!

Rigby: NEVER QUIT!!

Muscle Man: Well, we'll have to see about that cause we're about to start working real hard.

Rigby: (sighs)

(Clock transition to a music montage of Muscle man and Rigby working like crazy. First, they throw trash bags into the garbage dumpster with Benson checking up on them again. Secondly, They work under a bathroom cabin with a bunch of dirt in order to fix a drain pipe which squirts Rigby with water. The montage ends. Lastly, They walk to the exam Rigby is going to take)

Rigby: Muscle man, I think that was the worst day of my life.

Muscle Man: What do you mean "was"? You still haven't taken your exam yet.

Rigby: Are you serious? The day's almost over.

Muscle Man: Yeah, well your job's gonna be over if you don't take the exam.

Rigby: (sighs)

Muscle Man: The exam is you have to complete one job to prove that you retained all the information from the mentorship program.

Rigby: What's the job?

Muscle Man: Well, you know how I've been carrying you around all day? Your job is to carry me to that water fountain right over there. I'm hecka thirsty.

(Muscle Man leans down towards the ground so Rigby can get ahold of him)

Rigby: Wait...Wait! No! No! OOOOUGH!

Muscle Man: It's not as easy as it looks, is it? Just stay calm and you'll get through it. Just stay cool and you'll finish anything!

(Dramatic music plays while Rigby carries Muscle man towards the fountain. Rigby starts to groan in pain)

Muscle Man: Forget those two lessons! The only thing that matters is that you never quit! What's the matter Rig-baby, given up already? Huh? I knew you were a quitter from the moment i laid eyes on you!

Rigby: (groaning in pain)

Muscle Man: Just say it, Rig-baby! YOU WANNA QUIT, JUST SAY IT!!

Rigby: Nooooo! (falls down) Muscle Man! None of this has to do with mentoring! You're not a mentor! You're just a BIG, FAT, SMELLY, JERK!!

Muscle Man: Well, then I guess we're done here. (Gets back up) If you don't appreciate what I'm trying to do for you then you don't deserve this job, quitter!

Rigby: No, don't! I'll get fired!

(Muscle man yanks the ripchord and unplugs Rigby)

Rigby: (slow motion) NOOOOOO! (His legs grab onto Muscle man)

Muscle Man: What are you doing?! Get off my face! It's over!

Rigby: No way! I've gone through too much!

(The two workers have a power struggle)

Muscle Man: Get off of me, quitter!

Rigby: No! I'll never quit! I am not a quitter!

(Benson arrives again)

Benson: Here we go, baby. If he lets go of Muscle Man, I get to fire him.

Pops: Oh..my...

(Muscle man and Rigby continue their power struggle)

Mordecai: Benson, You've got to stop this!! He's gonna kill him!

Benson: Hm... (he looks at his watch which says 4:59:06) He's still got a minute to go.

(Muscle man runs like a horse to get Rigby off and breaks through a fence and the park cafe. Muscle man bashes into propane tanks and blasts into the air along with RIgby. Rigby tries to grab onto Muscle man's pants which is seeming like it is ripping off. They finally land into a lake. Benson, Mordecai, and Pops catch up to the two and watch the fight underwater)

Mordecai: Rigby!

(The two still struggle underwater)

Mordecai: You've got to call it off, Benson!

Benson: Well now hold on.. He's still got 10 seconds..

 (Benson's watch shows 4:59:51. ' Rigby is suffocating along with Muscle man. Benson's watch beeps at 5:00)

Mordecai: It's five o'clock! IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK!

(Pops, Mordecai, and Benson are watching the lake with worry. Rigby finally comes out of the water and brings up Muscle Man)

Rigby: Never quit! (puts Muscle Man down) URGGAH!

Mordecai: Muscle man, are you alright?!

Rigby: Muscle Man?.....Don't you quit on me! (pounds on Muscle Man chest)

Muscle Man: (groans then spits water out of his mouth and is conscious again) Congrats, Rigby. You passed the mentorship program.

Rigby: (sigh)

Mordecai: Whoo!

Pops: (Does the "my hat is off to you" salute with his hat)

Muscle Man: Yo, Benson...This one's good to go.

(clock transistion to Mordecai bringing Rigby, who is covered by a towel to keep him warm, a coffee)

Mordecai: Dude! Good job.

Rigby: Thanks.

Benson: Rigby, I'm proud of you. Not only did you last the whole day without quitting, but you applied to what you learned from your mentor to keep your job. Welcome back.

Mordecai: Nice!

Mordecai & Rigby: WHOA...!

Pops: (laughs and claps) Oh, congratulations, Rigby! I knew you could do it.

Rigby: Thanks, Pops.

(Benson & Pops walk away while Muscle Man walks towards Mordecai & Rigby)

Muscle Man: Not everybody agrees with my mentorship style. It's even received it's fairness of criticism throughout the years, but you took it like a man, bro. You worked hard out there today Rig......by.

(Muscle Man and Rigby put out their hands and have a handshake)

Rigby: Where are you gonna go, now Muscle man?

Muscle Man: I don't know. Wherever the wind takes me, I guess. Probably find a place to settle down...And get a burger with a large side of onion rings. See you around, Ladies! (walks away into the distance)

Rigby: You wanna get some food or something?

Mordecai: Sure, dude. But you should probably take a shower first. You smell like Muscle Man.

(End of "Muscle Mentor")