The Bully Code

(Scene opens up at Mr. Slushy Dawg)

Baljeet: Do you find it as curious as I do that your menu has not changed since you opened in 1929?

Jeremy: I know! It's awesome, right? It's our motto: Slushy Dawgs never get any better.

Baljeet: In that case, I will have--

Buford: (pushes Baljeet out of the way) Step aside, weenie! One Windmill Corn Dog, hold the bun.

Jeremy: (produces Buford's order) Excellent choice.

(Buford eats the Windmill Corn Dog and begins choking on it. Baljeet notices this and squeezes Buford's stomach until he coughs up the food)

Buford: You saved my life.

Baljeet: It was nothing. (notices Buford bowing to Baljeet's feet) What are you doing?

Buford: I am now your humble servant.

Baljeet: What?

Buford: It's part of the Bully Code. (produces a card and gives it to Baljeet)

Baljeet: "If a nerd shood save a bully's life, the bully becomes the nerd's slave for life." "Should" is misspelled.

Buford: It was written by bullies, duh!

Baljeet: Well, that is very kind of you, but I do not want a slave.

Buford: Too bad, you got one.

Baljeet: I think I will be going now. (departs)

Buford: I will clear my mind of everything, except for Baljeet. (stares at the ceiling for a moment) There, that was easy.

Baljeet: (walking along the streets of Danville) You are following me.

Buford: At a respectable distance, little master.

(Switches to the Flynn-Fletcher house, where Candace is in her room with Stacy)

Candace: (from inside) So, what do you think?

Stacy: Uh, what am I looking at?

Candace: Duh, it's a new red shirt!

(Song: "Do Nothing Day")

Beautiful, kind and gentle...

Candace: It's Jeremy! He sent me a picture. (looks at picture) Aw, look at his cute, little wiener hat. Let's send him a picture of me. How do I look? Check the lighting. (Stacy takes the picture) I don't want to-- Wait, you took it while I was still talking! Let me see that. (shows an ugly Candace) Ugh, I'd better erase that. (pushes button)

Phone: Picture sent.

Candace: Oh, no! I hit the wrong button!

Stacy Uh, go into the menu and--

(Candace accidentally takes another horrible picture and sends it)

Phone: Picture sent.

Candace: Oh, no! I did it again!

Stacy: Let me see. (accidentally takes multiple pictures of Candace)

Candace: No, Stacy, stop!

Phone: Pictures sent.

Candace: I'm ruined.

Stacy: Well, he's at work, so maybe he hasn't looked yet.

Candace: We've got to get to Jeremy's phone, come on, we're going to Slushy Dog.

(Switches to Phineas and Ferb in the backyard, discussing what to do for the day)

Phineas: (while Ferb is showing blueprints to him) Peanut butter and jelly robot races, masking tape mummy gymnastics, a jelly bean monetary system for emergenations...I don't know. I'm not feeling any of them.

Candace: Phineas and Ferb are up to something, I'd better tell Mom.

Stacy: Candace, the photos. (She pushes her away.) Eyes on the prize.

Phineas: Hey, where's Perry?

(Switches to Perry in the bathroom, where he proceeds to step on a tile, causing them to light up in various different colors)

(Song: "Disco Miniature Golfing Queen" instrumental)

(One of the tiles opens up and Perry jumps down the hole, leading to his lair)

Major Monogram: Ah, Agent P. Sorry to disturb you on Canada Day, but the world's top evil scientists have been photographed leaving Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. Something big is going on, real big. I need you to infiltrate his headquarters.

Carl: (off-screen) Ahem?

Major Monogram: Sorry. We need you to infiltrate his headquarters. Carl thinks I need to be more "inclusive". Find out what he's up to!

(Perry salutes and turns his chair into a flying vehicle and flies away)

(Switches to D.E.I.)

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

(Perry crashes through Doofenshmirtz's wall, where the latter is seen in a recliner with his right foot in a cast)

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus. Have you come to sign my cast? (over a close-up of said cast, with multiple signatures on it) Look, I even saved a spot for you. It says, "Save for Perry." Well, it was a bigger spot before I wrote, "Save for Perry," but there's some room in there. Grab that pen over there.

(Perry proceeds to do so, but the pen turns into a rocket once he grasps it and carries him to the ceiling, where it turns into a net, trapping him)

Doofenshmirtz: Ha! You ever hear of the Internet? Well, uh... this is just a net. But you're caught. (gets up and uses crutches to support him while he walks along) In exactly thirty minutes, the Tutti McFrutti ice cream man will park his truck in front of my building. I know, because I was standing there yesterday when HE RAN OVER MY FOOT! Now, using my Re-tire-Inator, I will throw a tire at him and seek my revenge. Get it? He ran over my foot with his tire, and I'm going to hit him with a giant, speeding tire. Re-tire. It's not retire, like stop working. That Retire-Inator is actually over there.

(the camera shows said contraption, which is simply a reading lamp, a chair with a sleeping cat that somewhat resembles Garfield, and a table with crossword puzzles on it)

Doofenshmirtz: I've got it all set up with crossword puzzles, and a big, fat, lazy house cat that will sit on my lap and warm me into my...senior years. Now, where was I? Ah, yes. My evil laugh. (laughs manically)

(Switches to Baljeet's house, where Baljeet is seen lying in bed)

Buford: Little Master, I've washed all your dust jackets and dusted all your cold knick-knacks.

Baljeet: (over a shot of various foods placed on a bookshelf) Those are not knick-knacks! They are food, and they should be in the refrigerator!

Buford: Ohh, I have failed you, Little Master. I will strive to do better.

Baljeet: Do not strive for anything, and I am not your little master.

(Song: "He'll Do Anything But Go Away")

Buford: Fine, then I'll just fluff up your pillow! (Baljeet runs away) Little Master? Little Master?

Baljeet: Stay away from me!

He follows me all over town,

And every time I turn around,

He's standing there at a respectful distance,

He's arranging my underwear drawer,

By dumpin' it out on the floor.

When I'm brushing my teeth, I don't need his assistance,

No, no, no.

Well the story is old, (story is old)

It's a 70's sitcom cliché,

He says he's in my debt, but, I wish he'd forget.

He'll do anything for me,

Anything but go away!

(Switches back to the Flynn-Fletcher house backyard)

Baljeet: (runs up) Phineas, Ferb I saved Buford's life, and now because of the Bully Code, he is my personal servant! It is driving me crazy! You have got to help me!

Phineas: Okay, okay. We've just got to get Buford to save your life, and then you'll be even.

Baljeet: But how?

Phineas: Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today!

(Cut to Mr. Slushy Dawg.)

Candace: Stacy, I see Jeremy's phone.

Stacy: Where?

Candace: There! His message light is still blinking. That means he hasn't retrieved his pictures yet!

(Cut to inside. Candace and Stacy approach the employees only door.)

Candace: Okay, let's just...

Jeremy: What are you two doing here? I mean, not that I don't like surprise visits from you, but this room is for Slushy Dawg employees only.

Candace: We're Slushy Dawg employees.

Stacy: We are?

Candace: Yeah. We did our training at the downtown branch to surprise you. (beat) Surprise.

Jeremy: Hey, that's rad!

(Screen flips to Stacy in a Slushy Dawg uniform.)

Stacy: Candace, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. What are all these buttons for?

Candace: It's hot dogs. How hard can it be? (gives Stacy some fries) Here, fry something. I'm gonna go etgay the onephay. (runs off)

Stacy: Ugh, you know I don't speak Spanish!

(Cut to Candace sneaking up to the Employees Only door. Jeremy walks through.)

Candace: (gasps)

Jeremy: Oh, hey, Candace, I see you've sent me some pictures. I can't wait to check 'em out later when I take my break.

Candace: (fake smiling) Yeah! (frowning) No!

(Pan left to reveal Stacy covered in all sorts of condiments.)

Stacy: I found out what all the buttons are for.

(Cut to Baljeet.)

Baljeet: Oh, yes. This thing is definitely the thing! What is this thing?

(Wide shot to reveal some sort of crazy contraption.)

Phineas: This contraption, my friend, is completely foolproof.

(Song: "Kronk for Hire" (instrumental))

Phineas: Let me explain. You'll "accidentally" step on to that platform, which will launch you up and over that flight of stairs, where you'll be kicked and rocketed through a piece of sheet-rock onto a trampoline. Then conveyer belted up to a rotating system that will drop you onto a spring, bouncing you all the way to that red X, where Buford will be standing, waiting to catch you, saving your life.

Baljeet: Ooh, I am thoroughly terrified, yet tingling with excitement!

(Cut to Candace and Stacy.)

Jeremy: (offscreen) Candace? (walks up to her with headphones) While I check the stockroom, can you take the drive-thru orders?

Candace: Ooh, my favorite!

(Cut to Linda at the drive-thru speakerbox.)

Candace: (on speakerbox) Uh, welcome to Slushy Dawg, can I take your order?

Linda: Candace? You work here?

Candace: Mom?! You eat here?!

Linda: Honey, where are you? (waves) Can you see me? Candace?

Candace: Uh— (walks over to Stacy) This is weird. My mom's here.

Stacy: I think your brothers are, too. Across the street.

Candace: What are they up to?

Linda: (on headphones) Candace?

Candace: Mom? Mom! Drive up to the window! You gotta see what the boys are doing!

Linda: The boys are here, too? Hon, I'm boxed in. I've got a heckuva line in front of me.

Candace: Fill orders, fill orders. (takes and gives a bag) Hi, enjoy your meal. (to the next car) Come again. Enjoy your meal. Bon appétit.

(Cut back to Phineas, Ferb and Baljeet.)

Phineas: Okay, Baljeet. You just stand on that platform and when Buford comes along, we'll guide him to the right spot. Although, it has occurred to us that you're giving up something really cool here.

Baljeet: What?

Phineas: You're spending all this energy trying to stop Buford from being your faithful servant, when the reality is having the biggest, toughest kid in town (Ferb nods) as your personal bodyguard is a sign of supreme coolness.

Baljeet: Really?

Phineas: Yeah, think about it.

Baljeet: Hmm, maybe you are right.

(Cut to D.E.I. Doof is heard gasping as the ice cream truck is heard.)

Doofenshmirtz: (offscreen) Ooh, hear that, Perry the Platypus?

(Cut to Doof.)

Doofenshmirtz: Tootie McFrutti has arrived on time! In a few seconds, he'll be flattened by a speeding tire.

(Doof laughs as Perry frees himself from his trap with the ceiling fan. He activates the inator. Doof screams. The tire misses its target. The inator rolls backward.)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh no! Oh no no no! (The inator hits Doof's good foot.) OW!!! NO!!! Oh, my good foot! My good foot! OW! Ow ow! My bad foot! Oh, my good foot again! Oh, no, my bad foot—Oh, this is really a viscous cycle!

(Cut back to Candace.)

Jeremy: Hey, Candace, I'm takin' my break now.

Candace: Uh-huh. (laughs nervously)

(As Jeremy leaves, Candace runs off and literally grabs Stacy.)

Candace: Stacy, we gotta get Mom up here so she can see what the boys are doing. Keep throwing food out the window! (she leaves)

Stacy: Okay.

(Candace runs out the door and approaches Jeremy.)

Candace: Hey, Jeremy, can I borrow your phone? Thanks. Erase photos bust boys erase photos bust boys!

(Cut to Phineas, Ferb and Baljeet. Buford enters.)

Buford: Little Master, Little Master, I finished color-coding all of your overalls. Whadaya want me to do next?

(Phineas smiles at Baljeet.)

Baljeet: Well, first, I would like you to iron all of my books, then perhaps polish my retainer, then you can start my college applications. Massage my toosties. Sew my name onto my underwear, organize my book reports by subject. Ooh, build me—

(The giant tire crashes into the giant hot dog. Buford notices this.)

Buford: Weenie! (Buford pushes Baljeet out of the way.) Alright, we're even.

Baljeet: What? Aw, man.

(Cut to Candace.)

Candace: Ha! All photos erased! Now, onto the boys! (runs up to the gang) Hey, just so you know, Mom's on her waaaaaaaay— (Candace steps on the platform and the contraption activates.)

Phineas: Oops.

(Candace screams as she falls down the staircase and gets booted up.)

(Cut to Stacy at the drive-thru window. Linda pulls up.)

Linda: Stacy, you're here, too?

Stacy: Yeah. Candace wants you to go out front to see what the boys are doing.

Linda: Well, just give me a chili dog and I'll be on my way.

(Cut back to the contraption. The rocket lights up and Candace holds onto it. Cut to Phineas and Ferb.)

Phineas: Sheetrock. (Crash!) Trampoline.

(Cut back to Candace getting conveyer belted and flung onto the spring. The spring launches her skyward and the cell phone takes a picture.)

Candace: No! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

(Buford catches her.)

Buford: I saved your life. Now you're my servant.

Candcae: Ugh, all right, ew! (gets up)

Buford: But the code! You've got no honor!

(Jeremy approaches Candace.)

Jeremy: Candace, wow! You okay?

Candace: Um, yeah. Here's your phone.

Jeremy: (flips it open) There's a picture on it.

Candace: No no!

Jeremy: Hey, that's a great photo of you!

Candace: Huh? Phew!

Jeremy: Now about your job...

Candace: No worries. I quit.

Buford: Hey, you guys wanna hit Slushy Dawg before we go home?

Baljeet: Ew!

Phineas: Nah.

Ferb: Oh, heavens, no. Slushy Dawgs never get any better.

(Cut to Linda approaching the contraption.)

Linda: Candace? Boys? (looks at the contraption) Hmm. (beat) I'll never understand public art.