The Other Woman

1 Where you going? Come here. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry. You're right. We barely know each other. Maybe we should have a drink and talk. Actually... ...my zipper just got caught on my necklace. But if you want to talk, we can. Sure. Okay, great. Or we can talk after. Yeah. Yeah. Come on! No! Let me tag along for a drink. You said I'd like it. It's too soon. Once you meet my dad and I meet your friends, they become a part of this... ...and I just want to stay in our bubble a little longer. It's been eight weeks. You keeping track? Happy Anniversary. I saw it and... ...I thought of you. Open it. Good morning. Why do I schedule breakfast meetings? For the bacon, I think. But you need to lay off that until your cholesterol's down. Why not turkey? Screw turkey. I like pig. Well, I heard a story on the news... ...about a guy who ate an undercooked pork chop and... ...got a worm that made his brain swell up super fast. Uh-huh. And to relieve the pressure, they had to cutout a chunk of his skull. Oh, wow. Like a triangle of his skull, they cut it right out of his head... ...and they implanted it in his groin... ...so it wouldn't die. Otherwise, his brain would have... ...his head would have exploded. Mmm-hmm. The skull was holding his brain... ...which was swelling, and his head would have just exploded. Just think of that next time you eat pig bacon. I will. Here you go. Thanks, sweetie. Thunder! He needs training. I'm taking him to obedience school today. Oh! And we need a check for the painter, too. That reminds me, I need you to sign these, honey. What are they? Oh, just some stuff for the accountant. I don't even understand this. I can't even read these anymore. I already read it for us. You just have to sign. No, I really don't understand this. I feel like I need to go to brain camp. Like, a brain camp. Where they give you exercises for your brain? When people have lazy eyes... ...they get their eyes worked out so they don't have to wear glasses. Mmm-hmm. They should have that for your brain. Like a brain camp. You could go lay on a beach and get tan and drink gingko balboa all day. You come back and you're super smart. It's gingko biloba. Balboa was Rocky. Right. See? See? That's why I need to go to brain camp. Any messages? I don't think so. I've kind of been in the zone here. You weren't going to mention these? Why? They're the first things you see. Micromacks? I thought Dave Cohen was handling this merger. No. The client said he was too emotional. They wanted a ruthless law robot, so... I got Micromacks. Get Dave on the phone. I need all pertinent materials... ...and a set of dates for deposition. Why do you work so hard? The point of being pretty is that you don't have to. You don't see me worrying about my job, do you? Unfortunately, no. That's because I have a Stan, okay? He works. I come here because it's like a hobby that pays well. Oh, by the way, your dad called... ...to confirm that you and he were still on for drinks with "Mark." Who's Mark? The guy I'm seeing. Obviously, but which one? The only one. There's one guy? And you're calling him Mark? You never use their names! So, Model Man Boy and Dr. Not So Smart...? Gone. The Hot Rabbi? And the Hot Rabbi's Cousin? Cut them loose. You cleared the roster. I cleared the bench. Wow. You haven't dated just one guy in a long time. It's not a big deal. It's very new. No jinxies. I get it. It's good that Mark doesn't have a nickname. It means he's still viable. You haven't rejected him. He's not a donor kidney. Not the organ I was thinking of. Hello? Hi. Red or white? Red or white what? Wine. Did you forget? Forget what? Dinner with Phil. You told me that was next week. I said next week last week so it's this week. I got to work tonight. Again? This is the third night this week! The guys want to do dinner. So I'll stay in the city tonight. Why don't I meet you after your meeting? I'll drive in to meet you in the city after your meeting! No, you don't want to do that. I don't mind! We'll have so much fun! We'll go to that hot chocolate place in the morning. We'll cuddle and sleep in. Screw it. I'm coming home. Really? Aw! Really. Family comes first. I'll see you when I get back. I'll make a steak and salad... Shit! Wow, look at you! How are you? Not too great. Oh, what's wrong? The housekeeper called. A pipe burst in the bathroom... I have to go handle it. Oh, no! You're going to Connecticut now? I got to. There's two feet of water in my basement. I can go with you. That'd be fun. No, you go see your dad. I'll see if he can meet tomorrow night. I won't be back tomorrow night. And what about meeting my dad? I'm sorry, baby. I have to take a raincheck. Yeah, okay. Don't be mad. I'm not being anything. What do you want me to do? Go to Connecticut. Really? Yeah, really. Okay. Call me when you're done being pissed. That might be a while. Hi, hon. Here, you want this? I'm switching to vodka. Ugh! Who orders gin? Uh, I couldn't read the menu because I left my glasses at Nina's. Want to know who Nina is? Not really. Indian girl. Beautiful. Soft skin. We met at Trader Joe's. She told me about this naan bread. When did you start eating naan? She's 24, a dance major. I eat anything she tells me to. Ew! Where's your guy? I think we just broke up. No! How come? A pipe burst in his house and he went back to Connecticut. And where in the story does he act like a jerk? It's how he handled it. You're being paranoid. No, something feels off. And when I get this feeling, I'm usually always right. Oh, please! Every relationship I've ever had, something felt off. That's probably why you're wrapping up divorce number five with one of my sorority sisters. You really like this guy, huh? So forget all this bullshit and go surprise him. It's not bullshit. It is. Put on something sexy, get your ass out to Connecticut... ...and fix that young man's plumbing. Don't worry, you look good. He'll love it. Who? Whoever. Here you go. Thanks for the ride. Need me to wait? Nah, I think I got it. Hi. Hi. I'm looking for Mark. Oh. What's this about? I'm Carly. You must be his housekeeper. No, I'm his wife, Kate. Is this some kind of stripper-gram or something? Oh. No. No. I have the wrong address. I'm looking for a different Mark. Mark Kink. Mark King? No! No, no. He's a short guy? Bald? Lives a couple of streets over on Clark. There is no Clark Street. Anyway... Ooh! Ah! Ah! Oh, my God! Shit. Um. I'll send you a check for your urn. Can't forget this. What happened? It must be big. You were crazy about him two days ago. It can't be the sex... you were a lot nicer and your hair was more shiny. He has a wife, okay? He's married. You don't think you can take her? That's not the point. I don't do married guys. I don't need to wreck someone's home for a date. It's not always a wreck. Stan and I were married when we met. We weren't happy. Now we are. You wrecked two marriages! First, one was mine, so that doesn't count. Second... ...Stan's wife was fat, with no sexual charisma. That marriage was doomed, so it wasn't cheating. I don't think that's how it works. But I think a married guy is a perfect fit for you. Mark was able to lead a whole other life Without you even noticing. You need a guy with something to keep him busy. Not a wife! I don't do this. I'm too old for this shit. I've been dating for decades! I don't need this anymore! Somebody's being negative. I'll go. I'll tell you what my mother told me... words to live by. Selfish people live longer. I'm just saying. Miss Whitten? There's someone here to see you... Kate King. Hi. I'm Kate. I met you on Friday. Yeah, I remember. Sorry about your urn. Why are you here? Um, I found your number in my husband's phone. So, um... Well, actually, the phone bill, because I couldn't crack the code on his password. Which is fitting, as obviously I don't know anything going on in his life. But, anyhow, I'm here. I thought maybe we could talk? No, we can't. If you have any questions about your husband, you should ask him. Oh, well, I would, but I'm pretty sure... ...he's lying to me and sleeping with you. So... Am I right? Oh! Am I right? You're sleeping with my husband? I'm sorry. I had no idea. I swear. You're sleeping with my husband?! Could you keep it down? Oh! Oh, gosh. Okay. Oh, oh... Ooh! I did not expect this at all. I thought I would come here and you would tell me I was crazy. I did not think that I would be right at all. I mean, maybe a little, in that too-horrible- to-be-true kind of way. The say-the-awful- thing-so-that- the-awful-thing- doesn't-happen thing. Ooh! Oh! Does this... Does this open? The window? Anywhere? There's got to be a little latch or something. Does this window open? No, and for good reason. If you're having a panic attack, go outside and get some air. Let me just lay down for a minute. You sure the window doesn't open? No. You'll be fine. This window. Just open it a little. Crack it. Just crack it. If you don't mind... We're out of air. It's hot in here. Just crack the window. Okay, I'll tell you anything you want if you just leave. Anything? Anything. Okay. Help me up. How long have you and my husband been seeing each other? I don't know... a couple months. Did you just start sleeping together? We were going to hold off for prom, but we just got carried away. We're adults. We had sex. The details don't matter. The details do matter, because. ...there's a difference between having sex one time and having sex ten times. Oh, my God! Did you do it more than ten times? I think specifics are a bad idea. Okay, fine. Gun to my head... ...fifty. Fifty times?! Fifty times?! You had sex with my husband fifty times?! Don't you have a job?! Or hobbies?! What is wrong with you?! Does this mean he's not training for the marathon? Yeah... No. This is not okay. I am part of Team King. I quit my job so we could focus on his job. I put off having kids... ...because he wasn't ready. I went to China! Do you know how far away China is? And it's not all Hong Kong, either. Lots of pollution. What do I do? Now I'm Barb Melman? Barb Melman got divorced and now she has... ...cheek implants and lives in a condo in Norwalk... ...and has to go on dates. I am not equipped to go on dates. The last time I was single, I was 24 and the dating pool was everyone! Now it's like a shallow puddle... ...of age-appropriate men who are old... ...and gross and I don't want to do that! I know that you think it's that bad, but honestly, it's a lot worse. You know why? Even if you meet a nice guy... and by "nice"... ...I mean that he's not an obvious sociopath... you can't get excited about it... ...because it's just a matter of time before someone gets bored and unhappy and is saying it's over. And that's a happy ending. A shitty ending... ...is that there's lying and cheating and you ambush Prince Charming's wife. You're saying I should stay with him. I'm saying everything fails eventually and monogamy is not natural. If you can live with that, like the French, then stay put. But if you can't, I suggest you get a game plan and leave. But what about the people who try to work it out? Maybe that's an option. Cheaters don't change. And if you work it out, he's just going to do it again. You'll end up back where you started, wishing you'd left the first time around. But that's just me. He's your husband. What does your gut tell you? Jesus Christ! It was just a burp. Can I get some napkins? That was throw-up. Ah! Oh, my God! Okay, great, come on. Let's get in the car. Come on, come on. Okay, okay. Bye! See you later! Bye, see you later! Bye, I'm going. This is a bag full of vomit. It's not my first. Come on, let's get you in the car. Get into the... That's enough. No, don't go just yet. Just one kiss. One kiss and good-bye. Okay, that was it. Okay, let's go. Let's get into the car. Be very careful. I don't want to go. Put your foot down. Please go. Let me just... Wait. How are you doing that? Okay, let's go this way. All right. Get over. It's a step down. Step down. Step down. Okay, there you go. There you go. It's really nice, what you're doing for her. Yeah, that's me... Mistress of the Year. Okay, Fernando, go, go, go! Best night ever!!! Ever!!! Bye! Yes! Holy shit. Call me! That is so weird. My husband likes this pasta. Milk? My husband prefers goat. My husband likes a meaty sauce. ...doing the Benson Depo on Tuesday... ...but if we want it on video, I need a different court reporter. Kate King is at security. What? Kate King. Excuse me. What's up, Leonard? Hey, Miss Whitten. Ray Charles over here tried to pass herself off as a blind woman to get upstairs. Oh, no, I didn't! I'm wearing these glasses because I look like shit. He saw the dog and drew his own conclusions. That did not happen. And if I was Ray Charles, I would actually be blind and... ...need this dog, so thanks for making no sense. What is it? I'm not French. I had a little Edith Piaf moment... ...but the idea of worrying about white shirts and thin turkey and all that... ...while pretending not to know about his whores... ...is really throwing me into an all-American rage. Not that you're a whore! You're not a whore. Okay, turn around. Turn around. You're not a whore. Let's go outside. I'm assuming you came here because you think we're friends and that I care about your problems... ...but guess what? I don't. I don't care about you or Mark or your marriage or your dog. If Edith Piaf rises out of the grave and you have a threesome, I don't flipping care! I was keeping you in the loop. I want out of the loop! Take me out. Okay? Okay! Thank you! Come on, Thunder. Oh, my God. Sorry. It's me. Don't be mad. I just... I just want to talk. I thought we could have some dinner? How do you know where I live? We followed you home. But I didn't want to show up empty-handed, so I brought food. Some food is right here. How'd you get in the building? We waited for someone to leave and then snuck in. Hi. What is your deal? Do you not get how weird this is? I just thought maybe we could talk, because I, um... Because... Because my whole world just blew up and I don't have a job! I have no money of my own! And I honestly do not know what I'm going to do at all! I have no friends to talk to because my friends are Mark's friends... ...and they'll blab! You are literally the only person in the world... ...who knows what's happening besides me! And if I keep talking to myself... ...about it, I'm going to go crazy... for real. Like, really. I can't talk to you until you stop crying. I want to. Let me just... I'm sorry. I just am sad. Then cry on the inside, like a winner. You can't care for yourself unless you toughen up. As far as talking to someone who won't blab, I can give you the names of three different lawyers. Lawyers cost money. You have money. You have half of what Mark has. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome. Are we done? Done? That wasn't even a conversation. You mostly just yelled at me the whole time. Okay, look. If I let you in, we are not braiding each other's hair and drinking Cosmos. You have one hour. Okay. And I get first dibs on what's in the bag. Sure thing. Have a seat, but please keep your dog off of my furniture. Thunder... ...get down. Get down. Get down. Down! Okay. That's great. He's just a puppy. Have a seat. I don't want to sit someplace where you and Mark had sex. Is the ottoman okay? Mmm... What about the chair? If I'm being honest... Are you serious? It's a window! People can see in here! You just have to pick a spot and be okay with it. Just have a seat. Is Mark calling? Yes, it is. Mark's in Miami. Why is he calling you? I didn't know he was in Miami. Why is he calling you at all? I don't know that, either. I don't call a boyfriend back after I find out he has a wife. So you haven't called him, full silent treatment and he's still calling? I'm pretty sure that's why he's still calling. What if he's calling to say he loves you and wants to be with you? I don't care. Well, what if he's in love with you? I mean, has he ever said he loves you? Has he talked to you like that, or has he...? I mean, do you think that he still loves me? If we're going to do this, I need a drink. I get it. Get what? You have the perfect place, and you are the perfect girl... ...and you could probably take off all your clothes right now... ...and have no flab and not need a wax... ...or anything and just be ready to go. My situation's pretty situated at all times, it's true. And see, I am not situated. I can't even remember to shave my legs. I need like at least a week of prep, minimum. Doesn't Mark see you naked all the time? No. He doesn't? No. It's... Nooooo. What's it like? Is it like a '70s situation? It's like... ...now I'm totally serious, like... not... No man likes that. It's like a... just not... I'm not saying you have to be bald or anything. Just like a fig leaf. That's all they want. They just need to have... ...a pretty little patch of happiness. You know, I am like... ...Martha Stewart... ...but with big underpants. Let me tell you something about Martha Stewart. She handled prison like a boss! Thank you. Right? I still think I'm not ready to compete with women like you. Though technically, I have been competing with women like you and just didn't know it. We're not in competition. We got played by the same guy. I call it a tie. Tequila or vodka? I can't believe I'm in the mistress's closet. I am not a mistress. A mistress knows she's dating a married man. I didn't know, so I'm not a mistress. Can you say that, please? Seriously, can you please say I'm not a mistress? Oh. You're not a mistress. Thank you. Sorry. Try these on. These ones are very special. I don't think we have the same size foot. This looks like a box of bungee cords. What it does is hold your tits up. That's so awesome. This is like a logic puzzle. It would look so hot on you. I don't know why men find these sexy. Mouse hammock. Wake up. You're making out with your dog. Ugh. What is he doing? Oh, no. No, no, no! I'm sorry. Ugh! Damn it! You want me to get it? I'm really sorry. I thought I had him that time. Send me the cleaning bill. Believe it. You'll send me the lawyers' names? You still want those? Yeah. Listen, Mark's shady. He finds out you have a lawyer, you become the enemy. If he thinks... ...you're clueless, you have an edge. Get your ducks in a row. Thank you for everything. I really appreciate it. Yeah. That's fine. Thank you so much. No problem. You're welcome. Bye. Holy shit. Shit. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you'd have your phone off. Then why even call? Why did you have your phone on? What do you need, Kate? Well, it's not a big deal, but... ...you know how sometimes you get like a... ...just a hint of a zit and you... ...pick at it a little bit, and... ...you keep picking at it... ...until it becomes this... ...soul-sucking, life-ruining face crater that you... ...absolutely cannot hide? You're calling because you got a zit? Not exactly. What the hell did you do? It was an accident. An accident? I know. Were you on PCP? Okay, here's what happened. I started digging around. Everything was locked. And I started thinking, maybe he is shady. And then I started thinking that this whole room is filled with lies and secrets. It was like this red mist came over me. So... You know how I told you to get your ducks in a row? Well, this isn't putting your ducks in a row. This is putting your ducks in a wood chipper! Hold on. Shit, he's early. Who? My brother, Phil. Don't mention the whole mistress thing. But it's such an icebreaker. Who's this? I'm Carmela, Kate's decorator. Oh. When did you fire Joel? I didn't. No, he's, um... She's doing all of the stuff, the feng shui... in the house. We met in Hong Kong. I told you. We bonded over dim sum and spatial reasoning. Two of my favorite things. That's so smart and funny! That's really witty. So, this is my brother. Yeah, you said that. He's a contractor. Oh, a contractor. He'll look at the office while you go. Unless you want to stay. I would love to, but it's kind of a tricky project... ...and I don't want to complicate things. But it was really nice meeting you. You, too. I hope I see you again soon. Carmela? Really? Did you and Tony enjoy Hong Kong? Or did Big Pussy and Meadow miss you too much? You will thank me for using a fake name. You want Phil... ...mentioning your new friend Carly to Mark? No. So you're welcome. By the way, what is up with your hot brother? No! No, you can't have my husband and my brother! No! That's being very greedy. I think you're being greedy. Me? He's your brother. What would you do with him? So is everybody like hot-hot Phil in your family, or are most of them like you? I'm cute-cute Kate. What about your father? Leave Dad out of this! I bet he's hot. You and your vagina need to just... Kate? Surprise! I started redecorating. What do you think? What happened to just painting it red? Oh, red is so clich. I would expect that from other guys in their offices, but not you. You deserve something different, something better than that. Oh. It's good, right? I think it's great. You do? I love it. Really? Because you know how I get carried away with all the colors... I missed you. How was Miami? Miami was amazing. The guys loved your gift card swap idea. SwipeSwitch? And guess what? What? Guess. What? What? They're going to put in half a million as seed money. Really?! That's right! We did it, we did it! Oh! Team King! I'll tell you all about it at dinner. With me? Yes. We're celebrating. Just let me clean up. How's it going? Not good. What's wrong? We have a situation. If you killed him, don't tell me. I can't defend you if I know you did it. No, I didn't kill him. It's something that rhymes with... ...schlintercourse. What?! You had sex with him? No! Of course not. It's barely dark outside. He's just on a high from the business trip and... ...he's got that look in his eyes, that... ...you know, that... I just don't know if I can hold out. What is going on? I don't know! There's been wine, and... ...hand-holding during dinner. It just felt so good to be touched, you know? Yeah, I do, because he used to touch me, too. Ugh! Why do you say that? A lot. I don't want to hear that. Then why call me? For permission? No! If you want to have sex with your husband, do it I'm wondering, what if I keep my clothes on... ...while we're having sex? Really? What if the top part of me hated him, while the bottom part of me... ...did all the dirty work? What if he just put it in halfway... ...and then I took a really hot bath after and really cleaned up? You're making a mistake. I'm trying not to. Not really. I am! If you're going to cave every time he pays attention to you... ...leave me out of it. You can waste your own time, but I'm done. Fine! Be done. I am done. I'm done. This is me being done. Fine. Good-bye. Forget I called. Good-bye. Kate... ...you hold it together. He is awful. Oh, my God. I've missed you. You taste good. Oh, my God. And you smell so good. Okay, hold on one second. Just one second. I'll be right back. Don't move. Hey, baby. Hi. What are you doing? Oh, I'm still working. Well, I'm not working. And I am so freaking hot. Um... I wish. What are you doing? Oh, baby, send me a picture, will you? Send me a few pictures. I'll send tons. We'll have the whole weekend in the Hamptons to work that out. I miss you. Oh, I miss you, too. I miss you. I miss you. I got to go. I got to go, baby. Bill, I told you, don't call me at night! I'll call you tomorrow. I'm sorry, honey. It's okay. The wine hit me wrong... I have a splitting headache. Really? Maybe I can make it go away, huh? Sorry, honey, not tonight. "Sorry for the tough love." "Do what you need to do. I support you"? Yeah, right. Bitch. You Okay? Yep. You sure? You're talking to your phone. I'm fine. So, how's Carmela? Bad! How come? Because I said so. Why, do you like her? Because she is fired! What's going on with you? I'll take a stab and say it's because you realized feng shui is bullshit. You shouldn't pay for that. Okay, you know what? Feng shui rules. There are so many people in the world and in China who love feng shui. Feng shui is not what you think it is! And I hate that you keep saying it's dumb! I didn't mean it. Feng shui is good 'cause it's important... ...to know where to place things in order to make yourself feel better. Katie. Sweetheart? Katie? What are you doing? See? See?! This is what happens when Carly makes me cry on the inside like a winner! Who's Carly? She's Mark's girlfriend... and not "friend friend," like "boning friend!" Mark's cheating on you?! Like fifty times at least. Are you serious? Or more! With who? Carmela! But her real name is Carly. Is this some Tyler Durden Fight Club thing? Are you Carly? No. Is anyone Carly? Please focus. I am focused! I don't want to keep explaining this. Carmela is Carly! The feng shui spatialist chick. Yes. Oh, my God! Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I never liked that guy. I never liked him. I told you that before you married him. What a piece of shit! Did you know she was his mistress when she was in the house? I thought she was his ex-mistress, but... ...it turns out they're still seeing each other. That makes sense. I heard him on the phone with her... ...then he comes to me, "Oh, I have to go golfing." In Connecticut. "With the Canadian crew." Which is code. For what? Ca. Ca? Ca. Ca? Caaarly. Carly. Carmela. You're talking about Carmela. She doesn't even know that I know they're still together. She pretends to be my friend, but she's spying on me, like a double agent. And you let her because...? That's how you run a double agent. I don't even know if she's American. I don't know. Katie, if she's full of shit, call her out on it. Deal with her. And then deal with the real problem. Oh, Mark. Yes! Mark. Yes. Okay. Right. Mmm-hmm. Where are you going? I don't know. I'm really happy we're doing this. Are you? How do you feel? I don't know. How do you feel? I feel like I owe you an apology for the other night. Do you? Yeah. Sometimes I can be more tough than love. Can you? Yeah. I just wanted to clear the air, and say that... ...whatever happens between you and Mark is your business. Oh, is it? Yeah. Are you okay? Are you still sleeping with my husband? What? You heard me. Unbelievable. I was crazy to think we could be friends. You don't get to walk out. Don't ice me out. No. No. You can't... What? What? You can't ice me out. I'm going to ice you out. Here's my ice shield. Then what, you pull out my weave? Just tell me the truth! You want to know the truth? Your husband sucks! I am not sleeping with him! And the fact you think I would, really hurts! Well, shit! I don't know! All I know is what I heard, and he's meeting somebody! Well, not me! So he's cheating on both of us. Oh, my God, that's it! He's cheating on us! I was kidding about that. If he's not seeing you- I'm so sorry I said that, that sucks... ...but if he isn't seeing you, he's seeing someone else. Think about it. Between the two of us... ...he has the perfect woman. What else would he need? The one thing we're not giving him... sex. Katie? Time to go, sweetie. Okay. Are you all packed for your business meetings? I hate working on the weekends. I feel bad for you. Let me walk you out. Have a great weekend. You, too! Bye! You look gorgeous today. Thanks, honey. Safe flight! I'll call you when I get in. Don't forget. Let's go! He's probably halfway there already! We're going to lose him. What's Thunder doing? No, no, no, no, no! Are you kidding me? No! Sorry. Jesus, that was... I think that might have been his balls. It was... Ugh! I don't think we should rush into anything. What are you doing? When you're divvying up friends in the divorce, keep this one. You won't see anything through those hedges. You're being a very negative detective. Give me a boost up. Look, he won't catch us. Go higher. Oh, hell, no! Now he's crossed the line! What? What is it? It's a Jetta. It's a Jetta! So? Only young, hot girls drive Jettas! I had a Jetta. That's what I'm talking about. Hi, there. I was out for a jog and my hammies locked up. When that happens, I have to stretch. I'm not Gumby! Just pulled over for a little stretch. That feels so much better. Yup. That's a lot better. You got to stretch it out. Stretch it out. That is it! From now on, you have to tell me what we're doing, where we're going... ...and what's happening, 'cause I can't take it anymore! Let's go! Oh, God! Well, well. Look who's here... the wife and the mistress. I'm not a mistress. Not technically, anyway. She comes in peace, so be nice. All right. Come on in. So can I ask, what the hell are you two up to? Don't say it's a social call, because you haven't been here since I bought the place. We think Mark has another mistress... we're going to find her. Mmm-hmm. And what do you plan on doing if you find this girl? Don't come at me with all your... ...weird little man logic. This is a... ...one-day-at-a-time operation. Today is light recon day. A grappling hook? Really? Damn. Look, I don't know if you're here out of... ...morbid curiosity, or you and Kate are the weirdest friends ever... We are. The weirdest friends ever. ...But she's a good person. And though Mark's an asshole, they had something real. And when she's done running around with you, she'll realize that's gone. And it's going to suck. So... ...try not to make that part any worse for her. Okay. Okay. They are on the move. Okay. Nothing. Okay. - He's up! - Really? What's he doing? Kissing. Uh-huh. Probably tongue. Mmm-hmm. Probably enjoying. Great. Okay, target is moving! Target is on the move. All right. Oh, he's wearing those cute shorts I got him for Christmas. They look good. Okay. I can't believe you're not interested. Just promise when you meet her... ...you won't lose your shit like you did with me. Don't say you didn't. I did, because I was a mistress-virgin and you were the first. Now I'm all worn in like an old glove. She's getting up! Oh, my God. Holy shit! What? Oh, come on! What is that? Let me see. Let me see! Okay, but you're not going to like it. Ah! She makes me look like I'm wearing a diaper! You think she had that made? No. When you have a body like that, everything fits you perfectly. This is just so unoriginal, Mark! So clich! She's the perfect ten lemon tart... Maybe an eleven. ...double-D, natural double-D. A triple-D. It's like a midlife crisis mistress! She's like a clich of every wife's waking nightmare! You have to admit, that's pretty good. Seriously. Okay, fine. She's beautiful. At some point you say... I play tennis, right? But if I play against John McEnroe, I expect to lose. You know what? Right? I am McEnroe! What are you doing?! Where are you going?! Wait! No!!! Stop!!! What happened to being calm?! Carly!! Carly! Stop!!! I can't believe he was cheating on me! Oh, boo-hoo! He cheated on me, too! You're the wife! He's supposed to cheat on you! Oh, my God! Stop, you crazy housewife! Stop the grappling! I'm strong when I'm mad!! What's going on? Hi. I just can't believe he'd lie to me. I really thought we were soulmates. Oh, my God, I am so sorry. I can't believe I said that. You're his soulmate. I'm a whore. You must hate me so much. If it's any consolation, I hate me more. I don't hate you at all. I got all that out of my system with that one. You're so amazing, to be friends with your husband's mistress. Yeah, it's like a dream come true. Ignore her. She's working through some stuff right now. She's kind of troubled. But you smell amazing. What is that? I think it's just sweat. The worst part about this is, you seem so nice... ...and he had me believing you were the devil. Wait, what? He said you cheated on him, then asked for a divorce. He said that... I was the cheater? That's what he said? That I cheated? I'm so sorry. That is so... Okay. That's... What an asshole! He's a liar, Kate. Who cares? Because it's not fair. He made me the bad guy. And he's divorcing me? You know it's not actually happening, right? He could pick any scenario, and he picks that? And makes me the villain? And then divorces me for fake-cheating? I shouldn't have told you. I'm sorry. It's not your fault I married a monster. You are innocent in all this. Let's go back to Phil's. Okay, let's go. Wait! What do I do? You can't just leave me. Mark will be back any minute! We'll get your number. Can we keep her? No, we can't keep her! We have a dog at home! You pulled my hair, which is totally... Hey, hey, hey! Watch what I taught Thunder. Thunder, get me a beer. - Unbelievable. - Wow! - That's crazy. - It's a miracle. - That dog is trying to break me. - He really is. Good boy. So, how was the stalking? Thunder! Traitor. How'd it go, weirdo? It was good! We ran on the beach, met Mark's new mistress... Amber. Twenty-two, super hot. Are you jealous? No, I'm not jealous. I just don't have an insane girl crush. I think it's good she's super hot. It brings up our group average. This isn't frickin' Sister Wives. You sure you're not angry? Letting it out is better than having to tell the cops you didn't mean to hug her to death. You're so funny! You'll see when you meet her. What? When I meet her? Up high. You look so pretty! You look so pretty. It's really annoying. It's just bad. What's that up there? That's the best part of the house. You'll like it. Come on. I'll show you. You're such a good girl. Mark's an asshole! He is. Wow. I know exactly what I would do with it. I would put a coffee table right here... ...so I could have my morning coffee. You can't. There's too much morning sun. It would blast you. No, this is where I would want to exist, right here... ...looking at that. You sure? Yeah. I'll think about it. You better. Okay. Kate might actually have a point about her bringing up the group average. Do you care if I smoke? No! I kind of want one, too. Since when do you smoke? Since whenever I want to. This should be good. If we find any more mistresses, I'll have to send her to rehab. Don't worry, we didn't hook up. We didn't? Oh, thank God. You took off your clothes to go skinny dipping. Really? You girls started in on the tequila... ...and it all went downhill from there. You wouldn't get dressed, so I buttoned you in backwards. Shut up. So let me get this straight. I came into your bed naked... ...and tried to molest you, so you made a straitjacket and a pillow fort to protect yourself. Yeah. Oh, my God, I've hit rock bottom. Nah. Don't worry about it. We were pretty out of our heads, and I like to think I'm a good guy, so... So you needed the pillows to resist me. Let's say I was hedging my willpower. I'm going to take a shower. Good morning! What are you guys doing? Phil went for a run and Amber's making frittatas. Have you packed? I want to get on the road before traffic starts. No, 'cause then I have to go home and deal with Mark. I was thinking, what sucks... ...is that he should be the one freaking out, not me. I didn't do anything. Instead, he's totally fine and I'm sitting here with the two of you... ...pretending not to know you... ...and on top of it, I have to get my ducks in a row. What do you want to do? This may sound wrong, but I kind of want him to hurt. I want to be the one... ...who makes him start a new life because I took it away from him. I want him to feel what I feel, but worse. So you're talking about maximum pain, right? We should kick him in the balls! That's like a really good thought, and I like the way your brain works, but... ...we're thinking about something a little bigger than that. It doesn't matter anyway. He's always going to wind up on top because he's a killer and I'm not. That's not true. You're not alone. You have us. Exactly. Put the Lawyer, the Wife and the Boobs together... ...you have a perfect killing machine. Yes! I do? I know how assholes do asshole-y things... ...you know how Mark does everything, and Amber knows... We'll find out what Amber knows. What are you saying? I'm saying that if you want to take him down... ...then let's take him down. We have him surrounded. Surrounded! If we put our brains together... The three of us... ...can be just as shady as he can. I am in. Are you in? I'm in! Hi, honey! Mmm... It tastes different today. I added kiwi. I like it. I'll keep adding it! Fuck you! Fuck you! I was going crazy without you. I'm sorry for being a jerk. No, no. You know what? I overreacted. I did. I really did. It's just that you were going to meet my dad... ...and I've been so worried about him. He's going through so much with this divorce, and... Sorry. Do you mind? I'll just be a Sec. No, that's fine. Mike. No, I was setting the mike. What do you want? I love this tie. Hold that thought. I'm sorry. Um... where were we? My dad's divorce. Right. You're worried about him. I am. He's going to have to give this woman half his money. Half of everything he has. And she does nothing. Just lays around the house all day long. He has been working his whole life... ...and she is going to take half of it! It's not fair. He can't give away what he doesn't have. You mean he should hide his money? Not hide. Lose. I don't understand. Maybe I should just tell him in person. You would do that? Whoa! Are you okay? Actually, no. We should go. Now. Really? Please. Are you okay? Something's not right. You go. I'll call you later. I can wait for you. I don't mind. No, it's fine. It's good. Oh, shit! Oh! Oh! Come on! Oh! Oh, God! Oh! That was painful. Oh, my God! No! No! Oh, no. Hey, buddy? Can you help me out? I need you to buy me some pants. Things got really tough in here, huh? I'm a 34-inch waist. The fit doesn't have to be perfect. I like blue. Or green! You still there? Hello? What happened to you? I had a fecal incident. I needed some pants and the only person who didn't try to rob me was a hipster. I'm sorry, did you say you had a fecal incident? Like you pooped your pants? Yes, Kate. Exactly like that. I shit my pants. And you know what? It's about to happen again, so if you don't mind... ...I'm going to go see if our toilet can take a punch. You found it! I did. Come sit down. Is your shirt see-through? The girl at the shop told me that sheer is the next big thing. Your Indian girl didn't veto that? Ah! I haven't seen her. We didn't have that twinkle. I like sheer shirts. Dad, this is Amber. Hi, Amber. Hi. Um... Mmm... I'm fine, thank you. I'm really okay. Thank you. I hate being touched. Where are we? Seriously. What is this, Saigon? Don't make fun of 'Nam. Best years of my life. This place is awesome. My neck was so tight. What's it called? "No Hands." Isn't it great? Watch this. You see? No hands. I can't put my finger on it, but there's something very wrong with that. So, what's up? What's this big mystery you want me to solve? Hypothetically... ...if I wanted to protect my money by "losing" it, what would I do? Losing it? You're not working with hypothetical Feds, are you? No! Do you have a problem with the Feds? Actually, don't tell me. What's this guy do? Develops start-up companies. Ah, the Chuzzlewit Pinch. Oh. He ain't losing money, he's robbing it. Hmm... Here's what you do... look for blind offshore filings. Like in Switzerland or the Bahamas. If I was going to "lose" money, that's where I'd do it. Can I have another drink? You okay, baby? You need my help on this? No. I got this. Stop frowning before you break your face. Better? That's your Evil Genius smile. Is somebody about to get screwed? You screw me, I screw you back. I'm a lady like that. A three-way? Yeah. I don't know. Please? Come on. You'll love Dana. Dana? It'll be so hot. I think it'd be a game changer for us. All right. If you really want to. Yay! Thank you! Dana! Baby, this is Dana. Hmm? What? I knew you'd love her! Ah! Oh! What the hell? Kate! Yes? Kate!! Look at this. It looks like you put on weight. Yes. And have you ever seen shit like this? Oh, yeah! Don't do that. Are they sensitive? Does that hurt? Ah! Tune in Tokyo. It just looks like you're a little bloated. I have boobs! These nipples look like they've done hard time in Africa feeding a village. You're overreacting. They're straight out of the Congo! Just tape them up. No! I can't go to work with my tits taped! Where are you going? To do push-ups. Did you want this smoothie? He's back to sexting like a freak. And the pictures! Picking up my phone is like being flashed on the subway. Try living in the same house with him. All I get is surprise penis. It's like his sex drive is tripled. Non-stop. I thought you were giving him hormones. I am! Enough for a pre-Op transsexual. He must be taking Viagra. Well, now that sex is off the table... ...we have to speak to one another, and I think he's getting suspicious. Really? Yeah. Maybe one of us should sleep with him. Are you crazy? Just to let some steam out of the pot. No. Please keep the lid on the pot. You don't think I can handle it? You know what? I'll do it. I'll take one for the team. No. You think he's an evil sociopath. He is! But better me than you. I can weather a little hate sex. I'll do it. I don't have a lot of feelings. Come on. You guys have no faith in me. I have a friend who could do it. No, no, no. We are not hiring a hooker to sleep with my husband. She's not a hooker. She's just a slut. Okay, we're done here. I'm going to do it. I'll do it. If you do it, I do it. Me, too. Fine. Rock, paper, scissors. Winner has sex with my husband. Really? It's the only way. One time, or two out of three? One time. Well, Amber wins. You okay with that? Yeah. I couldn't be more okay. What? You're so full of shit. Kate! Pst! Hey! Where have you been? Are you okay? I've been trying you all day! Can you open the door for me? Wow. What is going on? Wow. This is what it's come to, huh? I think I'm having a nervous breakdown. Is it ever going to get any easier? Yeah. It Will. When? Well, it's going to suck for a little while. Then it's going to suck a little less. And then one day that ring will just be a ring. You'll take it off and it'll just be something you used to wear. I hope so. Katie? He's supposed to be with Amber! Shit! I'm home! No, there's no room under the bed. No, I can see you. Go out the window. Go out the window. Honey? I'm not going out the window! No! You can't get in there. I'm ticklish. Hi, sweetie! You're home early! I canceled. What's all this? Oh, you know, sometimes I like to put on my dress. It's pretty. You do? You know when you just feel like, "Normal clothes are blah"... ...and you're just like, "I wish I had a costume!" You know when you get like that? No. Not really. Why don't you come to my investor dinner this weekend? We'll get dressed up and you can see... ...what I'm doing with all your great ideas. Okay! I'll get us some drinks. Scotch okay? That'd be perfect, thank you. Get out! Be careful. Hold on! Wait, wait! Ah! Sorry! Ow! Big year. Great job. Kate, you remember my partner, Nick. Yes! Hi. It's been ages. Good to see you again. This is Cece. Kate's the one who had the idea for SwipeSwitch.Com. Oh, my God! I am obsessed with that idea. I can't wait for the site to go up. Wow! Thank you. That really means a lot. She's my little idea factory. Maybe you should ask her about ServiceCircuit. Is that still circling the drain? More like the toilet. But the potential's there... we could make it work. How much? Two million. We'll talk about it. But if two million doesn't work, we shut it down. Thanks. I appreciate it. You made us a ton of money this year. Nobody bats a thousand. True. On that happy note, who needs a drink? I do. You want another? Sure. See you in a bit. She's lovely. She is. Is it serious? Uh, no. Well, I was sorry to hear about you and Julie. Me, too. But the lawyers say it's all very amicable. So fake it until you make it. Something like that. Katie! Come on. Oh, this is beautiful! Wow. Mmm. Whoa! Nice. This is pretty. Hmm. Hmm. Did you ever think when we had that shitty little apartment on Charles Street... ...we'd end up here? That wasn't a shitty apartment. That was a great apartment. Remember how tiny it was? And we had the bathroom in the kitchen? And every time I flushed the toilet, the shower got cold? I hated it. I loved that apartment. It just seems like everything was so simple then. You know? Mmm-hmm. I was happy. And I just wanted you to be happy. I am. Are you? You can tell me. I won't be mad. I wouldn't even be me without you. I might not always get it right, but... ...I'm exactly where I want to be. Do you promise? I'm so glad you're here. We have so much to tell you! Major breakthroughs. What is all this? Amber got Mark's password off the nanny cam. Hacked into his computer the night she was supposed to have sex with him. You saw him? He came over after work. Did you have sex? No! I know I said I would, but you looked so sad when I won, I couldn't. I chickened out and said I had Chlamydia! That's right, bitch! Chlamydia! He can't have sex till he finishes his Z-Pak! Mark's not just a cheating scumbag. He's a thief. Look what I found. This is a list of all the start-up companies... ...Mark's invested in. Three are offshore and one's a blind filing. No board of directors, a P.O. box for an address... ...and it's been operating at a total loss in the Bahamas. ServiceCircuit. That's not right. I heard about ServiceCircuit last night. They're putting more money into it. That's part of the con. We just need to find the bank he's using. I was with the board last night. They seem really happy. Mark is making them rich! He's stealing, Kate. Making money for them is the way he does it. Kate, what's going on? Nothing. I just think it's more complicated than we thought. You slept with him. One night, and you go back to being a Stepford? What am I supposed to do? He must have literally screwed your brains out! Maybe you just have to forgive people to move forward. But he didn't ask for forgiveness, did he? If you had something to lose, you'd understand how hard this is. Like what, a cheating husband of my own? Stop. Things shifted this weekend. It was different. You don't know. Really? What are you doing? Seeing if Mark wants to hang out. What's wrong with you? Everything! Everything is wrong with you. And I feel like an idiot for trusting you over him. I am done! Kate, wait. Nothing from Amber, either? No. And I feel like if Amber won't talk to me, then... ...obviously I did something wrong. I think you're being hard on yourself. I can't tell. I care so much, and then it just comes out so harsh. You know, what the hell do you know? You get it wrong all the time. Sorry. I'm usually a fun date. I am. I'm having fun. Not a lot of it, but some. You should think about being nicer to me... ...'cause I'm not certain I really like you yet. I think you like me. Do I? Hmm. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh! Don't get too close to me. I'm getting sick. What's wrong? I went to the doctor. He gave me a Z-Pak. He said something nasty's going around, and you should take one, too. That's for you. A Z-Pak? But I'm not sick. That's why you take it beforehand. It's prophylactic. Oh, honey? I need you to sign some papers for me. If you could, do it today. No need to read it... it's just the usual stuff. It's boring stuff from the accountant. ServiceCircuit again. Plus, I'm traveling to Miami and the Bahamas. Did you just say something about the Bahamas? I'm sorry. Oh, I feel so awful. No, you were right about everything. And he's still lying to me. He's still treating me like I'm blind. You're not. I found this... wire transfer instructions for a company in the Bahamas. Mark is flying down this week. You said we just had to find out where he banks, so let's go to the Bahamas... ...and let's get him! Kate, I'm sorry, but I can't. I can't stay in this Mark moment forever. If I'm investigating him or I go to the Bahamas... ...then I'm still involved, and... ...and I just can't do that anymore. I'm sorry. No, okay. I get it. Okay. Okay. I just, um... Hey. Hmm? Thank you. For what? For basically forcing me to be your friend. You wanted to be friends, too. You just didn't know it. Yeah, well... You jumped out a window for me. You pushed me. I shoved you. Hard, too. Okay. I'll keep you in the loop? Okay. Bye. I'll be damned. Kate! Kate! You guys came! You think we could let a sister down? We're getting the band back together. Those bank transfers... ...were for Service Circuit. Guess whose signature is all over them? Mark's. No! Yours! You're the CEO. He used you to create the company and put everything in your name. He's neck-deep in fraud and if anything goes down, they'll come after you first! You're his fall guy! You could go to jail! I can't go to jail! No, no, no. Turn the car around! No one's going to jail. I am not Martha Stewart! I will wind up in Gen pop. Turn around. I can't join a gang! I don't know how to make shanks! I have soft hands and a small mouth. I will be the bottom! Where are you going? I don't want to make license plates! You won't go to jail. Turn the car around! Go back! Go back! My name's all over everything! That's the good news! Your name's on everything. What are you talking about? Do you know what she means? We need to find Mark and his bank. I know Mark is at the One and Only. Perfect, we're halfway there! You see him? Not yet. How do you know he's here? GPS does not lie. I think I see a dolphin! I got him! I got him! Right there. Twelve o'clock. Okay, what are we looking for? What's the clue? How about that clue? He's taken this shit international! Oh, come on. Every time I look through binoculars, he has another mistress. You think he has more than one here? Who cares? Where else has he traveled? Please don't tell me Thailand. Why can't he stuff it into a tube sock like a normal guy? I have so many lotions at the house. Oh, there it is... the end of the road. Well, if we don't leave until tomorrow, I say it's our turn to take this shit international. That was so much fun! So much fun! Can we get three punches, please? Three punches. Come join me. Me? Yeah, you. Come join me. What? No. Go. Who you sending the selfie to? I just started seeing someone. Mmm. Yeah? It's completely crazy, and I don't know where it's going... ...but we just have that twinkle. Right. I do know. You know what? The best thing to do is just not think about it too hard. As long as it works, it doesn't really matter why. Hey! Oh, God. Hi, can I help you? I can help you! Mark King to see Miss Whitten. Mark? Hi. Are you the famous Mark? I must be. You are...? Lydia. I get it. Things are coming into focus. Good things, I hope. Yeah, of course. Miss Whitten asked if you would wait in the conference room. Ah... Right this way. Ugh. Hi, Mark. Hi, Mark. Oh, boy. This is awkward. I want a divorce, Mark. No. Don't do this. I love you. It's too late for that. Please don't do this. Have I made mistakes? Yes. Big ones. Huge ones. Okay, but when you sleep with that many people... ...it's not a mistake, honey. It's pathological. It is. But we can work it out. I can change. You can help me. How many were there? Affairs? You're looking at it. Okay, one more. A couple, maybe. Uh... three. Five, maybe... What do you want me to say? I get more ass than a toilet seat! I'm insecure. I have issues. It's not like I cared about any of them. They were all flings, and they knew it. Except for Carly. We were exclusive. You told me you'd get a divorce and we'd move to Tuscany. I did say that, but nothing I ever told you was true. Mark, you're a real piece of shit. Yeah. And no matter how many women you sleep with, or cars you buy... ...nothing will be enough to fill the hole inside you... ...where something real should be. - You are an empty man. Mmm-hmm. If you weren't as disgusting as you were... ...I would have never known that I needed to change. Mmm-hmm. I realized that with you. You're so much better now. Thank you. Anyway, speaking of changes... What is this? Divorce papers. We valued everything you own, and... ...that number at the bottom is your joint net worth. You girls think you can shake me down for all my money, you're crazy. Not all. Just half. That's what equal partners get... 50%. Though we did have to significantly reduce your share. What is this? Why does it say zero? The money you stole from ServiceCircuit? I don't know anything about that. That's funny, neither did I. But apparently... ...I'm the CEO. I'm the CEO of several companies, actually. But sadly, I had to empty those accounts. Empty? What are you talking about? How...? We looked. That's what happens when you piss people off. What? You robbed me. You three girls robbed me. No way! I don't buy it. You don't have it in you to rip me off. You sure about that? Yes! Didn't you notice our skin? That nice Bahamian glow? Incredible. He didn't even notice! Honestly, Katie... ...I don't know what's going on with you, but for your sake, I hope you're lying. It's your signature all over those contracts. It's you who's liable. So don't threaten me, honey. Because if you did empty those accounts, you're the one going down, not me. We thought you might say that. Then Carly explained... ...a concept called restitution. Or payback. That's how we framed it with Nick. You framed it with Nick, now? You included Nick? Bullshit! Now I know you're... Hey, Nick! Hey, man! I... What? I don't know what they told you. They're having some kind of group breakdown. They didn't tell me anything. They showed me. It's over. I'm getting my ideas direct from the factory now. What? From her?! Is this some kind of joke? You're firing me? Firing you is the least of it. The only reason you're not going to prison... ...is because your wife repaid all the money. Oh, no, no, no. You're all lying. It's bullshit. It's bullshit! Global bullshit! I call bullshit! Bullshit!!!! My wife's not some criminal mastermind. She needs freakin' brain camp! That's my money!!! Mark, you're not a very nice person. Shut up!! Get away. Get away, get away! That can't be right. It's a trick! No! No, no, no, no! That's my money! You won't get away with this. You won't get away with this!!!! Excuse me. Oh, oh, oh! Hey! Hey! Hey, buddy! I'm here! Stop! It's already hooked. It's barely in the red! It's already in the air, guy. That's a $300,000 car, asshole! You can afford it, then. Welcome to New York. You get back here! See?! This! This! You mother... Huh, could this day get any worse? Really?!! What? Next time, call a plumber. There she is! What a cute dress! Thank you! Hi. Can I make a toast? Here's to having friends... ...friends that love every part of you. And though it brought us together, let's never sleep with the same guy again. Good idea. Never. Ever. Cheers.