The Sibling Realignment


 * Sheldon: Guess who she’s insisting we invite to our wedding?
 * Amy: Jesus?
 * Sheldon: If only. My brother.


 * Amy: …and a laminated table of the elements because the American school system is a failure.


 * George Cooper, Jr.: Hey you’ve reached George Cooper. Please leave a message unless this is Sheldon again in that case; please try me on my other number 1-800-SUCK-IT.


 * Raj: Wh..wh..why can’t there be a service where you can pay someone to be your date for the evening.
 * Bernadette: Like an escort service?
 * Raj: No..no..no. You wouldn’t be paying for sex. I mean obviously if it went well it could lead to sex, but the money is for her time and companionship.
 * Bernadette: Oh, I get it. An escort service.


 * Amy: You infected me a week before my wedding. What am I supposed to do about this?
 * Bernadette: Wear a veil?


 * George Cooper, Jr.: Listen here; you want me at your wedding, all you got to do is ask nicely.
 * Sheldon: Georgie…
 * George Cooper, Jr.: George!
 * Sheldon: I would like you at my wedding.
 * George Cooper, Jr.: Thank you, Sheldon. That is nice to hear. But I would rather swallow a pregnant wild cat and crap out a litter of kittens.
 * Sheldon: It is fitting that you got into tires, because you are tiresome.


 * Amy: Okay, so each welcome bag gets a schedule of events, a map, and chocolate from me. And from Sheldon, a bottle of Purell the number for Poison Control in case someone accidentally drinks the Purell, and a laminated table of elements because the American school system is a failure.


 * George Cooper, Jr.: After all my sacrifices, guess which kid my mom is the most proud of?
 * Leonard: If it makes you feel any better, my mom's most proud of Sheldon, too.


 * Amy: I’m about to get married and look at me.
 * Penny: It looks like it's getting better.
 * Amy: Oh, does it? Does it look like that with your two clear eyes?
 * Penny: I’m sorry. Are you mad that I didn’t get Pink Eye?
 * Amy: What do you think?/Bernadette: Yes!/Howard: Yes!/Raj: Yes!


 * George Cooper, Jr.: Look, I mean, I always look after him in school, I drove him everywhere, I apologized to people when he was rude.
 * Leonard: Yeah, I’ve done all that.


 * George Cooper, Jr.: I told you this was a bad idea. Sometimes you can’t patch a tire. You've just got to buy a new one. Actually that’s not the case.. Never patch, buy new.


 * Sheldon: I don’t appreciate what you’re putting Mom through.
 * George Cooper, Jr.: What do you know about what Mom’s been through? You were never home.
 * Leonard: Yes, this is good. Get it all out.
 * Sheldon: (simultaneously) Not now!
 * George Cooper, Jr.: (simultaneously) Shut up!
 * George Cooper, Jr.: You went away to college after Dad died. Who do you think took care of everything?
 * Sheldon: Mom did. Mom always took care of everything.
 * George Cooper, Jr.: Mom was a mess. Missy was a dumb teenager. I had to look after both of ‘em.
 * Sheldon: I talked to Mom all the time. If she was upset, she would have told me.
 * George Cooper, Jr.: She was protecting you, you idiot, just like everyone always does.
 * Sheldon: If things were bad, then why didn’t you tell me?
 * George Cooper, Jr.: Because I was protecting you, too. You’re my baby brother, Sheldon. I know life had been hard for you, but that don’t mean it’s been easy for the rest of us.
 * Sheldon: I suppose don’t about how it was for everyone else.
 * George Cooper, Jr.: No, that’s all right. I know you didn’t.
 * Sheldon: I’m sorry.
 * George Cooper, Jr.: Thank you.