The Straw In My Donut Hole

Previously on: I know that I said that I wanted to get rid of her and have you come back Oh, no! I'm just going to have to make it work. No, no, no, no, no! I'm sorry! Okay, I'll figure something out. If nothing else, I am a survivor. Doctor said you had a little heart attack. Yeah, I remember now. Zoey's moving in and I'm moving out No No you're not moving out. I'm not? No, you can stay as long as you want, as long as you need. Oh, that's that's so good to hear. Really, you don't have to carry my bags. Alan, you had a heart attack, okay? You need to take it easy. Well, I appreciate it, but I'm fine. Whoa, do not say that. Why not? Let me tell you about my Grandma Abigail. When I was a kid, she came to move in with us. And one day I said, "How ya doing, Grandma"" And she said, "Fine. " And then she dropped dead. You're kidding. No, face down in my Legos. Well, that's terrible. But I'm fine. Do not say that! My Uncle Hal? When I was a kid, he used to spend Thanksgivings us, and one year, we're at dinner and you know, like football and turkey and the whole bit, and I said, "How ya doing, Uncle Hal"" And he said, "Fine"" And then he went to the bathroom, and he crapped out his small intestines. Oh, oh okay, t-that's horrible, but I promise you, I am fine. Surprise! I told you not to say it! Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah. Men. Oh, my God, somebody call 911. Gotcha. Oh Alan, don't you ever do that to me again. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So all you guys came just to welcome me back? Of course we did, darling. We were worried about you. Yeah, I've been beside myself with concern. I don't know what to say. I'm really touched. Come here, Alan. Sit down. I made you some tea. Wait, did you just call me Alan? Well, that's your name, isn't it? Yeah, but you always call me Zippy. I know, but I've got a little rule. I never make fun of someone who could come back and haunt me. Sugar or honey? I thought we decided on Alan? Uh, honey, please. Hey, are you warm enough? Do you want me to turn up the heat? I'm fine. Don't say that Okay, turn up the heat. Why don't you just lay down. Uh, no, really, I'm good. I've been in bed for a week. Do it for me. Uh, okay, but let me just point out that that never works when I say that to you. Guess what. While you were in the hospital, I aced all my final exams. Really?! I don't believe it! I told you he wouldn't buy it. Wait, wait, wait. You lied to me? Uh, I told him to. I thought the truth might kill you. But there is some real good news. What's that? I found out for sure I'm not gay. But why's that good news? It's mostly good news for gay people. A-A-All right, look, I appreciate all the trouble you're taking to welcome me home, but if you don't mind, I'd just like to go back to my room. Oh, you heard him. He wants to go to his room. Here, Zoey. Take the tea. Walden, I can walk on my own. That's what my blind Aunt Shirley said. And then we went to Miami on Christmas vacation, and then "blam"" Greyhound came out of nowhere and flattened her. She got hit by a bus? No, she wandered onto the dog track in the middle of the ninth race. Technically, she came in third. Anyway, I got a little surprise for you. Oh, Walden, you've already done so much. I don't know what else you could possibly A real bed! Yeah. It's not just a bed. Get on it. Check it out. Oh, my golly. Ah Oo-ho-ho-ho! The bed is becoming tumescent. Yeah! Pretty cool, uh? See, so you don't have to exert yourself when you're getting in and out. Ah! Oh, and what pray tell is that? That is a 46" high-definition plasma screen TV, complete with a deluxe sports satellite package Nice! No movies? No, we could switch it to a movie package. Or you could add it. Oh, okay, we'll add it. And don't forget the adult channels. No problem. You have to ask for them specifically. Otherwise they block them. Right. Hey, why don't you take a nap until dinner? I'm not tired. That's what my cousin Earl said right before he fell asleep with a cigarette in his hand. Set his bed on fire? No, his fireworks stand. I was standing across the street yelling at him to wake up when the first rocket went off, followed by 800 Roman candles. It was horrifying and really cool at the same time. Okay, I'll take a nap. Good, good, good, you just I don't want you to do anything. Just relax and get better. That's a nice thought, Walden, but I got a lot of work to do. I got bills to pay. No, don't worry about the bills. I'll take care of everything. Walden, I can't let you just take care of everything. Listen, I made a promise to myself when I was 11 years old and salmonella decimated my father's entire side of the family at the annual Easter egg hunt. Nobody else dies on my watch. Poor guy, living with all that guilt. I can exploit that. How come you're not coming over? I can't. I have Ava. Why don't you come over here? I can't. I have Alan. Oh, for God's sake. Well, he had a heart attack, Zoey. Oh, bollocks. He's going to outlive us all. A week after nuclear Armageddon, the world will be populated by nothing but cockroaches and Alan Harper. Wow, that is a side of you that is not attractive. It's the lawyer side of me. Yeah, yuck. Look, I see these kind of scam artists all the time and I don't want you being taken advantage of. I am just taking care of my friend. No, you are providing food, shelter, and satellite TV to a cockroach. Hello, anybody? Getting kind of hungry in here. Uh, B-Berta, Alan's hungry. Is his dinner ready yet? Coming up. Really? He gets room service? Did I ever tell you about my Aunt Phyllis? When I was a kid she took me on a trip to New York, and we were staying at the Waldorf-Astoria, and she didn't want to wait for room service, so she headed down to the restaurant and she fell 24 stories down an empty elevator shaft. We never got to see Cats. So you're afraid Alan is going to fall into an elevator shaft? Don't poke at it, Zoey. The wound is still fresh. Come in. Did my little buddy save room for dessert? I sure did, Skipper. Good, 'cause I made your favorite. Peach cobbler? Yep. Warm with ice cream? I'll be right back. I'm not going anywhere. Okay, let's see what's on those adult channels. Avatart. Oh, in 3D. Oh, to be continued. Come in. Hey, you. Judith, what a, what a nice surprise. How are you feeling? Not bad, all things considered. Oh, you're so brave. Now, listen, there's something we need to talk about. Look, I know the child support checks are late, but, but please allow me to get back to my job. Er? Forget the child support. Er? You just get better. I can manage fine without your money. All right. I always suspected as much, but thank you. And Herb and I have the condo in Palm Springs, so you're certainly welcome to use it while you're recuperating. How can you afford a condo in Palm Springs? We made a judgment call with Jake's college fund. Anyway, you're welcome to use it. Wow, thank you, th-that's very generous. Well, look, I know we've obviously had our differences. We have. And I haven't always been very nice to you. I just figured you didn't like me. Alan, we were married for 12 years. You're the father of my son. Just because I couldn't stay married to you doesn't mean I stopped loving you. Gee, it sure felt that way. Oh, I'm sorry for that. You just get well, okay? Okay. A house in Malibu, no child support, free condo in Palm Springs. Why would anyone want to eliminate heart disease? Don't worry, you lovely blue ladies, as soon as my right hand is free, I'll be giving you my full attention. Rats. Uh Come in. How's my man? Oh, you know, okay for a guy who recently stared into the jaws of death. That's why I'm here. I want to help with your recovery. Really, what'd you have in mind? I-I'm not supposed to exert myself. Don't worry, you don't have to do a thing. Just lie back and I'll do all the work. Really? Hmm. Okay. Uh, let me put my cobbler down. No, no, no, keep it. You sure? Absolutely. It'd be rude for me to eat alone. All righty then. You got any porn on this thing? Uh, gee, I, I don't know. Why don't you check? Shake things up a bit. Oh, gosh, well, I, yeah, I guess I, I guess I, I-I could do that. Oh, look, there's some now. How fortuitous. Now, just relax and enjoy your cobbler. Right back at you. This is the best day of my entire life. Men. All right, Mr. Harper. Well, I've got some good news. Let me have it. I'm banging my receptionist. I'm sorry. I I never get tired of that one. That-that's funny, but, uh, what about me? No, you don't have a chance with her. She likes rich guys. All right, back to your, uh, heart. It's looking good. Uh, are you sure? Tests show you've had no damage. Your cholesterol looks normal. It's like the heart attack never even happened. Oh. And you're not happy about that? No, I-I am. Um, uh, is this confidential, what we're saying? Think of me as a priest. Except, when I touch your nuts, it's strictly business. Okay, uh uh, uh, here it is. Um, ever since the heart attack, uh, my life has actually gotten better. Uh, my girlfriend, my ex-wife, even my mother have all been showering me with love and attention. Well, they were afraid they were losing you. Have you ever had oral sex and peach cobbler? At the same time? Can't say that I have. Well, I have. And once my girlfriend finds out that I'm healthy, I'm back to sucking Life Savers and humping my pillow. Well, as your doctor, all I can tell you is you're perfectly healthy. Can I get a second opinion? Yes, you're ugly, too. I joke. Uh, again, as your doctor, I have to tell you you're in great shape. But, uh as a guy who's banging his receptionist, two pharmaceutical reps and, uh, on occasion, his bloated, rich wife, let me add: Don't be a schmuck. Lie your ass off. Thanks, Doc. That's good advice. Hmm. Jeanine, hi. Uh, listen, could you run down to the deli and pick up a peach cobbler and meet me in exam room 2. How'd it go? Good news? It's bad, Mom. It's real bad. Oh. Darling, I am so sorry. Hey, I know what would cheer you up. So do I. No, I was thinking I could take you shopping. Come on, now. There must be something I can get you that would turn that frown upside down. Well, uh, remember when I was a kid how I always wanted to be a cowboy? I'm not going to buy you a horse, Alan. Of course not. Guess I'll just have to be a cowboy in Heaven. Are your eyes closed? Yep, they're closed. Open. You must be kidding me. It's the safest way for Alan to get up and down the stairs. Why does he have to get up and down the stairs? So he can use my whirlpool tub. Oh, dear Lord. He needs it for his circulation. He said he's starting to get bed sores. Then you tell him to get out of bed. You don't build him his own private escalator. Howdy, pardner. Ma'am. Wow. You look great. Just checking it off my bucket list. What'd the doctor say? It's not good. I might have to have a transplant. I'm sorry. Let's just hope that somewhere there's a baboon with a healthy heart riding a motorcycle without a helmet. For God's sake. Excuse me. I'm going to take a whirlpool until my masseuse gets here. You got him a masseuse? It helps prevent blood clots. Yeah. My Uncle Fred had a blood clot in his leg, and when I was little, he took me to the Santa Monica Pier, and we went on the Tilt-A-Whirl, and the centrifugal force shot the clot into his brain. It was the worst birthday ever. He's seen a lot of tragedy, Zoey. Be nice to him. Mmm. Too hard? Nah, dig in. I like it rough. Brought your banana smoothie. Oh, thank you, Zoey. Um, would you mind sticking the straw in my donut hole? Oh, I would love to. Mmm. Tasty. I want you to listen to me very carefully. You may have everyone else around here fooled, but I know you're full of crap. Beg pardon? What you do with your family and your girlfriend is your business, but I want you to stop taking advantage of Walden. I-I don't know what you're talking about. You know exactly what I'm talking about. I-I'm sorry. I really don't know what you're You've been warned. Well, thanks for the the smoothie, Zoey. That bitch has got to go. How about that? Stars really are just like us. Alan. Oh! Oh, my. Careful. You don't want to give me a heart attack. We need to talk to you. Oh, yeah, sure. I'll be right back. Um, think I left the tub running, so Stop. Now, get out of that chair and get down here. Okay. The queen has spoken. My legs are still a little al dente. So what up? I'll tell you "what up. " I asked one of the private investigators for my law firm to follow you for a few days. Really? Uh, uh, wh-which days in particular? Well, this is from last Monday, when you said you were going for a therapeutic walk on the beach. Okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah, you know I can see how this looks, um, but, you know, actually, there is a-a-a very a very simple, uh, uh, explanation. Okay. Well we got cobbler in the kitchen. Anybody? Men. How long do you plan on lying there? Until the shame passes. So a while? Oh, yeah. All right. Well sleep well. Thanks. You, too. Memories Light the corners of my mind Misty watercolored memories of the way we were