The Expedition Approximation


 * Bernadette: (admiring Penny) I like your suit.
 * Penny: Oh, thanks. Got a couple new outfits for work.
 * Howard: How does it feel knowing your fiancée’s job is to go out and flirt with doctors, looking like that, while you sit here, you know, looking like this?
 * Leonard: She doesn’t flirt with doctors.
 * Penny: Yeah. It’s all very professional.
 * Amy: You know when you bend over, I can see down your shirt?
 * Penny: Okay, good.
 * Bernadette: Speaking of new careers, how are things going with dark matter, Sheldon?
 * Sheldon: Oh, yeah, I’d have to say it’s the most exiting time in the history of the field.
 * Bernadette: (being curious to Sheldon) Oh. What’s going on?
 * Sheldon: (shouts) I started doing it.
 * (Bernadette has a reacting smile to Sheldon's shout)
 * Raj: You know, the government funded the biggest experiment yet to detect dark matter.
 * Leonard: Yeah, I’ve read about that, they’re sending research teams down into abandoned salt mines.
 * Raj: You know, Sheldon, if we apply to be one of those teams, we could be on the ground floor of something big, not just for theoretical physics but for astrophysics as well.
 * Penny: (surprised with unhappiness) Wait, hang on, you guys are gonna work in a mine?
 * Sheldon: Why not?
 * Penny: You had a panic attack when we went through the car wash.
 * Sheldon: Perhaps the emotion you’re referring to was shock at you having something cleaned.
 * (Penny gets shocked by this herself)
 * Leonard: I think what Penny meant is, the thought of you two in a mine is kind of funny, it’s like a cat riding a Roomba.
 * Howard: If they get scared, they’ll have those hats with the lights on them, ’cause down there it’s night-night all the time.
 * Bernadette: (joyfully) Maybe they could ride around in one of those mine carts that go ee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo.
 * Leonard: Yeah, it’ll help them get away when they see a g-g-ghost.
 * Sheldon: Are they making fun of us?
 * Raj: Yup.
 * Sheldon: I miss the old days when I couldn’t tell.
 * (Penny just smiles madly at what Sheldon has said and the opening theme begins).


 * Amy: Sheldon, I'm really impressed you're willing to try this.


 * Sheldon: Admittedly, this brushes up against my well-known aversions to heat, small places, going below floor level, dampness, hatches, ladders, darkness, echoes, and eliminating in Home Depot buckets. That last one is quite new, but I have a feeling that's going to rocket to the top of the list.


 * Penny: If I do well in sales, I could end up making a lot more money than you.


 * Leonard: Not a problem. I grew up with a mother who emasculated my father financially and in every other aspect of his life, so really it's what I think love looks like.


 * Raj: So I did a little research on what the conditions are like in the mines, and the guys might be right. It sounds pretty rough down there. For starters, it's very humid and about a hundred degrees.


 * Sheldon: I'm from Texas and you're from India. We're no strangers to the fragrant arm pit. Next.


 * Raj: It's also a live mine, so there'll be dynamite explosions going off in the distance.


 * Sheldon: I have a lactose-intolerant roommate with a taste for ice cream. Next.


 * Raj: You have to be down there for twelve hours at a time.


 * Sheldon: Have to be somewhere.


 * Raj: There's no toilet, so we'll have to do our business in a bucket.


 * Sheldon: So it's settled? We're not doing it.


 * Leonard: Hear me out. I know things got a little weird last night.


 * Penny: Well, leaving an envelope of cash on my night-stand after sex would count as weird.


 * Penny: Or maybe, now that I'm no longer an out-of-work actress who can't pay for her own dinner, that makes you a little insecure.


 * Leonard: I can't believe you would say that. You know how insecure I am about my insecurities.


 * Raj: All this time, I never knew there were steam tunnels down here.


 * Amy: Most universities have them. When I was an undergrad, I spent three days in one pledging a sorority.


 * Raj: Did you get in?


 * Amy: No, they forgot I was there. But it really opened up my pores.


 * Leonard: Thanks again for having us.
 * Howard: Oh, of course. What did you guys want to talk about?
 * Penny: Well, you know, now that we’re engaged, we had some questions about how you handle money as a couple.
 * Bernadette: (with a smile of anger) I told you they weren’t gonna ask us to swing with them.
 * Howard: I didn’t think they were going to. I just wanted to have a way to say no without hurting Leonard’s feelings.
 * (Bernadette remains silent whilst smiling crossly)
 * Leonard: Well, nailed it.
 * Howard: So what did you want to know?
 * Penny: Well, do you guys ever fight over money?
 * Bernadette: Sure, sometimes. I mean, it can be a little awkward since I make so much more money than Howie.
 * Howard: You didn’t have to say so much more.
 * Bernadette: Well, I didn’t have to, but for the sake of accuracy I felt that I should.
 * Howard: I brought a lot of significant assets into the relationship, too.
 * Bernadette: (1st time: she's asking Howard in surprise) Like what? Your incomplete set of Star Trek collector plates?
 * (Penny thinks for a second)
 * Howard: (he speaks nervously) For your information, I just bought the last one I needed on eBay.
 * Bernadette: (2nd time: she's asking Howard in surprise) Without asking me?
 * Howard: (he grunts with anger) There were only three minutes left in the auction and it was a mint condition Scotty from a smoke-free home.
 * (Leonard and Penny look face-to-face over Howard and Bernadette's argument)
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Howard crossly) How much, Howie?
 * Howard: Not a lot.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Howard in slow anger) How much?
 * Howard: Let’s not talk about this in front of our friends.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Howard with loud anger) Was it more or less than falconry school?
 * Howard: For the tenth time, that was a Groupon.
 * (Bernadette is now very cross by this point)
 * Leonard: (sarcastically) Like I would swing with him.


 * Sheldon: Miners often sang mining songs to keep their spirits up.


 * Raj: You know any mining songs?


 * Sheldon: Just the hits.


 * Raj: Okay. How about a little Miley Cyrus next?


 * Sheldon: Who's he?


 * Howard: Talk about wasted money. What about the late fees on our credit card because somebody didn’t pay the bill on time?
 * Bernadette: (she's so completely angry) Well, maybe I would have paid it if I wasn’t also doing everything else around here.
 * Howard: (he yells with quiet anger) Oh, you’re saying I don’t do anything around here.
 * (Bernadette nods sadly for a second whilst Howard lifts himself off the couch in anger and he tears the chore chat off the fridge door)
 * Howard: (he's shouting with big loud anger) Look at my chore chart!
 * (Bernadette storms up to it with enormous anger)
 * Leonard: She made him a chore chart.
 * Penny: I see it.
 * Howard: Do the dishes. There’s a star right there.
 * Bernadette: (she's so gigantically cross by this) That was a pity star. Putting water in the roasting pan and leaving it in the sink is not doing the dishes.
 * Howard: (he's still angry, but is getting frightened) That pan had to soak and you know it.
 * Bernadette: (she snaps at him with more complete anger) Well, don’t come crying to me when you don’t get your allowance.
 * (Penny and Leonard exchange glances over Howard and Bernadette's shouting)
 * Howard: (he's angry with complete sadness) It’s not an allowance. It’s a stipend, and we said we weren’t gonna call it an allowance in front of my friends.
 * (Howard now runs off to his bedroom and slams the door to which the loud slamming sound is played to Bernadette's smile of embarrassing fury).
 * Leonard: (nervously) I usually don’t like lemon bars, but these, these are really good.
 * (Bernadette just ignores Leonard and tries to hide her embarrassment from him).


 * Sheldon: We'll take some Funyuns.
 * Amy: Anything else?
 * Sheldon: Some York Peppermint Patties, a couple of Dr. Peppers, and run to Best Buy and see if they have a portable DVD player and Season 1 of a show called Hannah Montana.
 * Raj: Have her get Season 2. In Season 1, it was still finding itself.


 * Bernadette: (she's quite embarrassed and very sad) Sorry you guys had to see that.
 * Penny: Oh, don’t apologize.
 * Leonard: Yeah. It just makes it a lot harder to pretend it never happened.
 * Bernadette: (she is so mega-fully upset) Money’s a sensitive subject for Howie because of the difference in our income.
 * Penny: (worried) It really bothers him?
 * Bernadette: (she's extremely concerned and upset) Well, sure. There’s still a lot of pressure on guys to be providers. So even though he’s happy for me, it’s just a little tough on him.
 * Penny: Uh-oh.
 * Leonard: What?
 * Penny: Well, if I do well in sales, I could end up making a lot more money than you.
 * Leonard: Not a problem. I grew up with a mother who emasculated my father financially and in every other aspect of his life, so really, it’s what I think love looks like.
 * Bernadette: (she speaks with a concerned smile) I’ll be right back. I’m gonna go check on him.
 * Penny: Maybe it’s a good thing we came here. It’s like a lesson in what not to do.
 * Leonard: Yeah I don’t want something dumb like money to come between us.
 * Penny: It won’t. Let’s just promise to figure this kind of stuff out before we get married.
 * Howard (out of vision, yelling at her with loud anger): Why are you being so bossy?
 * Bernadette (out of vision, yelling at him with loud anger): Why are you being a baby?
 * Howard: (out of vision with loud grouchiness) I’m not a baby. I’m a grown man, and I made the bed. Now where’s my star?
 * Leonard: (he suggests nervously) Should we go?
 * Penny: (she informs Leonard with some firm quietness) Hang on. I want to see if he gets the star.


 * Raj: Sheldon, you busy?


 * Sheldon: I'm always busy. This mind is capable of advanced multitasking. Currently, I'm attempting to solve the Primrose Conjecture, I'm composing my Nobel acceptance speech for when I've solved the Primrose Conjecture, and I'm wondering how mermaids have babies.


 * [The first ending scene in Penny's bedroom]
 * Penny: (stripping her shirt off) Okay, this is definitely the most fun thing we can do with the money.
 * [Leonard is organizing a big pile of dollar notes on the sheet]
 * Leonard: I’ve never done it on a big old pile of cash before.
 * [Penny now puts on a strange smile of embarrassment]
 * Leonard: (imitates Penny) Me neither, Leonard. It’s my first time, too.
 * [Penny and Leonard now exchange glances and we now go to the second ending scene of Howard and Bernadette (without her glasses on) naked in their bed with candles all around them in the bedroom of their apartment and they are making up for their row about the money]
 * Bernadette: (quiet and embarrassed) I’m so sorry I made you feel bad about the money stuff.
 * Howard: It’s okay.
 * Bernadette: (with sad embarrassment) No, it’s not okay. I want us to be partners, equals. Adults in a mature relationship.
 * Howard: (with quiet happiness) I want that, too.
 * [they kiss each other]
 * Bernadette: Now, let’s talk about your birthday party.
 * [Howard jumps with complete excitement and Bernadette shrieks "Oh" and grabs the duvet with rage]
 * Howard: (he's yelling with loud excitement) Ooh, laser tag, laser tag.
 * [Howard now sorts out the angry Bernadette saying "Oh" in quiet anger (which could mean 'oh, no. not this thing about the money again') and the duvet just as we now go to the last ending scene at Apartment 4A with Amy sorting her Dictaphone out on her desk with Sheldon standing up above her]
 * Amy: (she asks Sheldon firmly) Do you really need me to transcribe this?
 * Sheldon: You’re not doing it for me. You’re doing it for future generations who will benefit from my struggle.
 * [Amy just slams the Dictaphone down]
 * Sheldon's Voice on Recorder: Sheldon’s Mine Simulation Log, entry four. My Kit Kat has melted. All is lost.
 * [An angry, disheveled Raj immediately bursts in the apartment]
 * Raj: (he's gigantically angry at Sheldon) You call yourself a friend?! I was trying to help you, and at the first sign of trouble you ran away, leaving me to fend off a family of rats!
 * [Amy and Sheldon are rather surprised by Raj's yell of anger]
 * Raj: (he is still furious) You’re a completely selfish human being and a physical and a moral coward!
 * Sheldon: (he speaks firmly to Amy) His statements of the obvious continue to annoy.
 * [Sheldon and Raj look at each other for one second].