The Funk

(Open on a planet shaped like an egg. Zoom in to reveal Hater's ship on the planet. A bunch of Watchdogs are chasing a gaggle of chicken-like creatures. Close-up on the "tongue" revealing Peepers.)

Peepers: (clucks) Ha ha! That's it! Run, you chickens, run! For, here to destroy your fowl little lives is none other than the Duke of Dread, the Monarch of Mayhem, the Emperor of Evil, Looooooooooooooooorrrrd Hateeeeeeeeeerrr!

(Cut to a grand entrance, starting with a bunch of Watchdogs waving flags, followed by a curtain opening to a long hallway. Some flames ignite and the doorway opens rolling out a red carpet and fireworks go off spelling the words "LORD" and "HATER". However, Hater does not appear. Crickets are heard chirping. The red carpet rolls back in, the door closes, the flames extinguish, the curtain closes, and the Watchdogs lower their flags.)

Peepers: Looooooooooooooooorrrrd Hateeeeeeeeeerrr!

(They try the entrance again, starting with the bunch of Watchdogs waving flags, followed by the curtain opening to the long hallway. The flames ignite and the doorway opens rolling out the red carpet and fireworks go off spelling the words "LORD" and "HATER". Once again, crickets are heard chirping. Cut back to Peepers.)

Peepers: (growls) Looooooooooooooooorrrrd Hateeeeeeeeeerrr!

(They try the entrance a third time, starting with the bunch of Watchdogs waving flags, followed by the curtain opening to the long hallway. The flames ignite and the doorway opens rolling out the red carpet and fireworks go off spelling the words "LORD" and "HATER". Crickets are still heard chirping. Cut back to Peepers. Wide shot of the planet with everything standing still, including the Watchdogs in mid-torture of the chicken-like creatures.)

Cluckon 1: I don't get it.

Watchdog 1: Oh, our leader, Lord Hater was supposed to show up and act all evil and stuff but—

''(Music: Commander Peepers' Theme (instrumental))  (The Watchdog gets zapped by Peepers.)''

Peepers: Nobody move! (He goes into the ship.)

(Cut to a dark area. We hear rather depressed music and a knock on the door.)

Peepers: (offscreen) Lord Hater? Are you in here?

Hater: (softly) No. Maybe. Go away.

(Peepers opens the door and sees Hater in his bed surrounded by tubs of ice cream. Title card appears, freeze-frame. Peepers claps his hands and the lights turn on revealing a huge mess in his bedroom.)

Peepers: Sir, you missed your cue. The Cluckons won't surrender without you.

Hater: So? What's the point anyway?

Peepers: What's the point?! Sir, if Cluckon falls, we'll control all of the Zegma System! All of it! Just like we've always dreamed of doing!

Hater: (mumbling) 'm nt flng t nymr.

Peepers: You're peeling apples to the core?

Hater: (mumbling) 'm nt flng t nymr.

Peepers: Stealing pennies from the store?

Hater: (mumbling) 'm nt flng t nymr!

Peepers: Earring fell on the floor?

Hater: (sitting up) I SAID I'M NOT FEELING IT ANYMORE!!! Evil used to be all RAAARRR, YEAH, WOO! Now, it's just all (covering himself in the sheet) eh. Know what I mean?

(Peepers rubs Hater's back and runs back to the entrance of the ship.)

Peepers: Everybody, back in the ship!! (The Watchdogs all scatter back onto the ship.) Nobody move, you're still almost conquered, okay? We'll be right back.

(The tongue rolls back in and the ship takes off. The Cluckons cluck questionably.)

(Whip pan to the meeting room. All the Watchdogs are witnessing Peepers attempting to give Hater a pep talk. Hater is seen sitting in his chair, still covered in his blanket with a tub of chocolate ice cream and a spoon on his lap.) Peepers: So you're in a bit of a slump, that's fine. Happens to everyone. You just need to do something to remind yourself how fun evil can be. Somethin' like... (He presses a remote and the window opens revealing a moon in front of them.) blowin' up a moon! (Waves the remote in front of Hater) C'mon, I know you want to! (Peepers takes Hater's hand and makes it push the button on the remote.)

(Cut to outside. A laser pops out of the ships head and obliterates the moon. Cut back to inside. Everyone cheers as the words "YAY! ANOTHER VICTORY FOR EVIL!" scroll up on the windshield.)

Hater: Eh.

(Peepers grumbles. Whip pan to the ship's control room. Peepers pushes the still depressed Hater into the room.)

Peepers: Blowin' up a moon not doin' it for ya? That's fine. I ordered the citizens of Ionia 7 to make a giant statue of you out of themselves!

(Cut to outside revealing Ionia 7 with the Hater statue on top of it. Zoom in to reveal the citizens making up the statue. Cut back to Hater and Peepers.)

Hater: Eh.

(Peepers groans frustratedly. Whip pan right to another planet. A bunch of female aliens are screaming as they are chased by Watchdogs with lasers.)

Peepers: What if we terrorize the Warrior Women of Amazonia? (Cut to Peepers looking down from the ship.) That always cheers ya up.

(Zoom out to reveal Hater still unimpressed on the other side.)

Hater: Eh.

(Peepers groans and hits his head on the windshield. Whip pan to the ship speeding and stopping in the middle. A buzzsaw comes out from the bottom and cuts part of the sky.)

Peepers: (offscreen) Awaken the space demon Tormento?

Tormato: It's Tormato!

(Tormato takes three planets on a shish kabob stick and flames them with his fire breath and eats them. Cut back to Hater and Peepers.)

Hater: Eh.

(Peepers takes off his hat and screams into it. Whip pan to reveal the watchdogs stealing some antiques.)

Peepers: Loot all the loot from Museopolis?

Hater: Eh.

(Peepers takes a large diamond a Watchdog is holding and crushes it with his bare hands. Whip pan to Peepers giving a Watchdog a wedgie.)

Peepers: Mess with Greg?

Hater: Eh, it's all a big bunch of "eh". (sighs and leaves) I'll be in my room.

(Peepers throws Greg onto the floor. Cut to Hater's still messy bedroom. Hater approaches his bed and lies down face first. Peepers approaches him.)

Peepers: (sighs) Sir, listen, we've been workin' really hard on takin' control of the Zegma System for months. Cluckon is the last step, and it's just sittin' there, waiting to be conquered.

Hater: So?

Peepers: (angrily) SO?!?

(Music: Commander Peepers' Theme (instrumental))

Peepers (cont'd): GET OFF YOUR BONY BUTT, DO YOUR STUPID JOB AND CONQUER 'EM ALREADY!!!

(Hater growls and powers up his scary green lightning.)

Peepers: (calmly) I mean, you want to talk about it?

Hater: (sighs) No, it's just... I don't know. When did being evil become so complicated? I mean, it used to be so cool, you know? Back in the old days, just...bein' a jerk, cruisin' around the galaxy, pickin' on the weak and defenseless, it just made me feel so awesome! (breathes) And now I got this big ship, and this army and these responsibilities. (points to Peepers) You make the plans, the army conquers the planet, and all I do is come in at the end and do my big scary... RAAAAAAAAAAAAR! (thunder noises) MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! thing. It's... (covers himself in his blanket again) It's just no fun anymore.

(A pause as Hater shows his sad expression to an intrigued Peepers. Suddenly Peepers gets an idea.)

Peepers: Sir, I have an idea.

(Song: Bein' Evil is Good)

Ignition.

Rear-view mirrors.

Seat belts for safety.

HATER!

(During this, Peepers turns the key of a van, checks the rear-view mirrors, and sees that he and Hater are buckled up and starts the van, which pulls out of the ship.)

Peepers: Betcha didn't even know we restored your old van, huh?

Hater: Kinda cool, I guess. What lame place are you takin' me to now?

Peepers: Oh-ho, you'll see.

(Peepers floors the gas pedal and the van goes zooming away, leaving a flaming track behind it.)

(Cut to an unknown planet.)

Peepers: So ya miss the old days, eh? Need to be reminded of why ya got into evil in the first place, huh? You mentioned the weak and defenseless. We'll I'd like you to meet the Mooplexians!

(Zoom out to reveal the planet is inhabited by a bunch of brain-dead hideous creatures.)

Hater: Whoa, they're so dumb. I mean, look at 'em, all weird and stuff. Man, I just wanna go up to their dumb faces and... RARRHH!!

Peepers: (chuckles) Well?

(Close up on Hater's mouth. His frown becomes a smile. Hater runs down the hill laughing and leaves his blanket behind.)

Hater: RAAAARRHHH!!!

(Hater scares one of the Mooplexians, and it bumps into another Mooplexian.)

Hater: Peepers, that felt good! I want more!

(Hater and Peepers proceed to trip a Mooplexian over a cliff and they high five each other.)

Hater and Peepers: Yeah!

When you feel alone like your top's gonna blow,

And you're ready to drill it through,

Go find some loser with a dumb-lookin' face

And make him feel worse than you.

'Cause hate's great,

You know you like it,

Hate's great,

Well, at least you should.

Hate's great,

Makes you feel awesome.

Bein' evil is good!

Come on!

Peepers: (laughs)

Hater: So dumb!

Gettin' down and gettin' on your nerves,

And you don't exactly know just why.

No need to bother to figure that out now,

Just try and make 'em cry.

'Cause hate's great,

You know you like it,

Hate's great,

Well, at least you should.

Hate's great,

Makes you feel awesome.

Bein' evil is good!

Oh no!

Peepers: How ya feelin' now, sir? Bad?

Hater: So bad!

Now let's be clear when I say, "Bad is good."

I don't mean that literally.

Hater: Take that! (laughs)

Peepers: Oh, you tell 'em, sir!

Bad's compared and that's pretty rare.

Bad is just good while it's hated-ly(?)

Hate's great

You know you like it,

Hate's great,

Well, at least you should.

Hate's great...

Bein' evil is good!

Hate's great...

Hate's great...

Hate's great...

Bein' evil is good!

Hater: Yes! I am back, baby!

Peepers: Phew! Finally.

Hater: You hear that, universe?! The Duke of Dread, the Monarch of Mayhem, the Emperor of Evil has returned! Now with my mojo back, there is nothing that can stop Lord Hater! The greatest in all the galaxy! (evil laugh) Hate's Great, Best Villain!! (He zaps another Mooplexian, it falls over creating another domino effect. Hater and Peepers laugh, unaware that behind them, some Mooplexians with green eyes are floating behind them.)

Hater and Peepers: Huh?

(Some tubes fall out of one of the Mooplexians and get attached to Hater and Peepers as they get lifted up. A giant Mooplexian speaks to them.)

Mooplexian: We tire of the sense of superiority you seem to garner from picking on the physical shells that we happen to inhabit. (Peepers and Hater hold each other's hands.) Perhaps you need to see just how insignificant your so-called "greatness" really is. (A rather psychedelic, trippy and indescribable sequence follows.) Little do you know that we have evolved beyond impressive corporeal forms. Our real lives are spent in our minds. We sail the seas of cosmic consciousness, a vast and endless ocean of knowledge, in which you are nothing more than a minuscule molecule drowning in misunderstanding. (Zoom out to reveal Hater and Peepers giggling like little girls, clearly high.) Now back in your van, sad little man, and never forget how you, Lord Hater, are so not the greatest in all the galaxy. Now be off with you.

(The Mooplexian flicks the van off the planet and revert back to their brainless selves. Wander and Sylvia arrive in their orbble onto the planet.)

Wander: Oh, great and noble Mooplexians, we humble ourselves in the presence (kneels) of your all-knowing wisdom. (no response)

Sylvia: Seriously? We came all this way to see these guys?

Wander: (gets Sylvia to kneel) Ultimate cosmic knowledge comes in all shapes and sizes. (to the Mooplexians) Forgive her! She knows not what she does.

Sylvia: So how long do we have to stay down here?

(Screen cuts to black.)