The Belly of the Beast

(Scene opens at the Danville Harbor Day Festival)

Lawrence: Oh, rapture! This is my favorite part of the Danville Harbor Day's festival! The annual shark reenactment. Let's checketh it out.

Linda: "Checketh it out?" Really?

Lawrence: I stand by my Old English. Oh, look, they're doing the song!

(Song: "Shark of Danville Harbor")

Captain Squint: Won't you gather round and hear a tale

Of the shark of Danville harbor

Who terrorized our people,

Can you just imagine this?

If it's sharks you want to know about

You're bound to end up smarter

'Cause though technically a vertebrate

They're cartilaginous

The monster came upon us

And its eyes were black as coal

His jaws so big that we could see

His molars and incisors

He came at us and of our bladders

We did lose control

Then he ate a politician

And a curriculum adviser

He cornered us in Miller's Cove

We thought that we were dead

We've never seen his like, remember:

This was way before TV

We lost control again, there were a long line for the head (Open up!)

But the woman folk banged pots and pans and drove him out to sea

Yes, the woman folk banged pots and pans and drove him out to sea!

Lawrence: And that is why we celebrate Harbor Day every year with a reenactment. Here cometh the shark.

(The "shark" appears; it's just Buford and Baljeet wearing "SHA" and "ARK" shirts with a shark fin and tail)

Buford: Look at me, I'm a shark! I can poop in the ocean!

Baljeet: But you are not going to, right?

Buford: Keep pushing, dweeb.

Phineas: Wow. They really should put more effort into the shark. Ferb, I knoweth what we're going to doeth today!

Lawrence: Hey, whereth is Perry?

(Perry goes through the skirt of a woman's 1800s style dress and rows into his flooded lair)

Major Monogram: Happy Harbor Day, Agent P! In honor of the occasion, we've flooded your headquarters. Hope you like it.

Carl: Actually, our plumbing just backed up.

Major Monogram: Just trying to put a happy face on it, Carl. Doofenshmirtz has been spotted on a... boat. Go check it out. (Perry leaves)

(Back to Danville Harbor)

Candace: Brother, these Harbor Day festivals are so lame. I can't wait to see this year's lame-o replica of the great white shark of Danville Harbor!

Stacy: It's always so feeble.

Candace: Yeah. (she and Stacy laugh; she hears helicopters) What's that?

(the helicopters are seen transporting a giant metal shark)

Phineas: Okay, let 'er drop! (the shark splashes down near the small boat Phineas and Ferb are in, causing a huge wave that drenches only Candace)

Candace: Okay, now how did that only hit me?

Stacy: Look at that!

Phineas: (rowing up to the shark) Let's go, Ferb! We're going to give this year's Harbor Day's reenactment the best shark ever! (they enter the shark)

Candace: Rrrrr... Come on, Stacy. We've got a shark to bust!

(At another part of the harbor)

Captain Squint: So I says, "Keep your hands off my poop deck, then we'll keelhaul the scurvy!"

Candace: (running up with Stacy) Yo ho, Captain Kidd, we need your ship. My brothers are in that shark!

Captain Squint: 'Tis the same beast that swallowed my leg...

Candace: (pushing him up the gangplank) Yeah, yeah, that's fascinating. Tell me after we shove off!

Captain Squint: (while walking over the very long gangplank to his smaller boat) Ah, that shark's a mean one. Took me leg just to pick his teeth on. He drives alone in the carpool lane. He threw poor Timmy down the well. And he won't give up his seat for little old ladies on the bus!

Candace: (while pushing Captain Squint up the gangplank) Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. sure. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, I know, he sounds like a bad guy.

Captain Squint: Oh, you think!

Phineas: Okay, Ferb. Let's see what this baby can do! (Phineas pilots the shark out to sea) Looks like everything's shark-shape! (moves away, revealing Ferb controlling the fins and tail using a mechanical bodysuit) Make a left... (the shark turns left) Let's get our cartilaginous vertebrate on!

(From underwater, Perry swims up to a boat but gets trapped in a crab cage. Doofenshmirtz dumps the crabs (and Perry) into the hold of his boat.)

Doofenshmirtz on a crab boat!

Doofenshmirtz: (opens hole to hold) Perry the Platypus! (Perry chatters) So what am I doing out here? Well I'll tell you. One day, while I was perusing my collection of 19th-century almanacs, I learned that the leading cause of tooth decay is saltwater taffy! And that's why I invented the Saltwater Taffy-inator! Y-you can't see it from here; I built it on the bottom of the ocean where I have an unlimited supply of salt water for free. I'm going to make the sweetest, gooiest, stickiest saltwater taffy in the world!! In the world. Enough to give cavities to every kid in the Tri-State Area! Ha-HA-ha-ha-ha! (shuts opening) Now where's my wetsuit?

(On Captain Squint's boat, the Pea-quad)

Candace: Where are they? All I need is a metal shark and a mom to bust her by!

Captain Squint: That one's got some wind in her sails.

Stacy: You have no idea. So, did a shark really eat your leg?

Captain Squint: Arr, probably. But he definitely chewed on my arm. (shows Stacy a small mark on his arm)

Stacy: Uhh, that's just a birthmark.

Captain Squint: ...I'm tired of this conversation.

(the shark passes the boat)

Candace: Thar she blows!

Captain Squint: I see you, Mister Beast! (spins the ship's wheel)

Candace: Can't this tug go any faster?

Captain Squint: There be only one captain on this ship.

(Inside the shark; Phineas looks out a window in the shark's eye)

Phineas: Looks like the reenactment has started! Let's give 'em a run for their money, Ferb! (Ferb salutes; so does the shark) They're still on our tail! (the shark leaps out of the water and splashes down in front of the Pea-quad) Captain Squint: He be toying with us.

Candace: Ayeee!!

Phineas: Cannonball, Ferb. (the shark leaps out of the sea)

Candace: Well at least we'll all get wet. (the shark splashes down, only soaking Candace; she shouts to the sky) Really? Really?? (an octopus lands on Captain Squint's face)

Captain Squint: Arr! It's the octopus that ate me pancreas!

Candace: (to the sky) Thank you.

Captain Squint: Get back here, beast! (the shark sends the Pea-quad flying with a tail flick)

Candace, Stacy, Captain Squint: Whoa! (the Pea-quad skips across the sea)

Phineas: Wow, six skips! (to Ferb) Nice going.

(On Doofenshmirtz's crab boat; Doofenshmirtz is now in a wetsuit with scuba gear)

Doofenshmirtz: Here we go. (rolls backwards off the stern but lands on a metal grate) Ow! Oh, okay, that hurt. All right, better just, uh... (prods the water with his spear gun) Okay, I'm good. (jumps off his boat and swims down to the Saltwater Taffy-inator; he pushes a button) Now I will activate my Saltwater Taffy-inator. (turns a handle; the -inator begins spinning taffy) At last! Now nothing can prevent me from promoting tooth decay! Ha-HA-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... (fogs up his scuba mask) Aw, I fogged up my mask again! (clears his mask to reveal Perry in a wetsuit swimming towards him; Perry punches him backwards) Perry the Platypus? How did you get out? (Perry flashes back to the crabs forming a ladder, but Doofenshmirtz grabs him from behind) Ha! I grabbed you while you were flashing back to your escape! Hee-hee-hee... drbt! (Perry kicks him and starts swimming away)

(To the Pea-quad shark chase; Candace and Stacy are looking over the rail when a large fish hook with cheese appears above their heads)

Candace, Stacy: Yikes!

Captain Squint: (holding a fishing rod with the cheese hook) I've caught many a fish with this lure. (casts the hook at the shark, catching it) Take the pole and I'll man the wheel! (lets go of the rod, causing it to yank the two girls forward)

Candace, Stacy: Whoa!

Candace: Come on, Stacy, pull! (Stacy and Candace try to pull the rod)

Captain Squint: She bought me coat and the mermaid brought my boots...  HA-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! Tug on this, beast. (pulls a lever; the fishing line snaps, causing Candace and Stacy to fall back into the stern; Captain Squint wheels a cannon to the stern) Suppertime! (lights the cannon, causing a bolo made of rubber ducks to loop around the shark's tail) Bullseye!

Candace: Rubber ducks? Are you serious?!?

Captain Squint: Does a penguin fly?

Candace: No.

Captain Squint: Aw, now I'm tired of this conversation too! (leaves)

Stacy: The ducks are back!

Captain Squint: (emerges from the head holding a plunger attached to a rope) I'll harpoon the beast!

Candace: That's a plunger.

Captain Squint: I didn't buy this ship for its plumbing!

(Back at the Saltwater Taffy-inator; Perry and Doof's fight accidentally detaches the control panel, causing the mass of saltwater taffy to head towards them)

Doofenshmirtz: Yahhh! Swim for your life! (the taffy engulfs Perry and Doofenshmirtz and starts spinning them around)

(Back on the Pea-quad)

Captain Squint: Come to Papa, beast. Well, I-I ain't really a papa; I-I never had kids of my own, see, and... if I did they probably wouldn't be... sharks, but... you know what I mean! (the shark emerges at the stern) Ohhh... ohh!!

Stacy: Candace, he reaches!

(a loud chomp is heard as the shark swallows Captain Squint, leaving his boot on the stern; the shark swims away)

Stacy: We're gonna need a bigger captain.

(Inside the shark, the water drains as Captain Squint lies on the floor)

Phineas: Cheese and sausage?

Captain Squint: So this is what the inside of a shark looks like? I always thought it would be more... stomach-y.

(On the Pea-quad)

Stacy: I think maybe it's time we just call it quits.

Candace: (putting on Captain Squint's hat and wielding his harpoon) Stacy, I'm tired of this conversation! (lightning strikes behind them)

(At the -inator)

Doofenshmirtz: (trapped in the taffy) Ha-HA! I still have the upper hand! (the taffy spinner rotates, moving Perry above Doofenshmirtz) Well, actually you may at this particular mo... (the taffy squishes them together, then separates them again) Chew first, Perry the Plat... ahhh!!

(On the Pea-quad)

Candace: Hoist the mainsail! (Stacy does so) Swab the poop deck! (Stacy does so) Watch that jib, sailor. (the jib knocks Stacy's hat off) Now take the helm! (puts Stacy at the wheel and rides a rope onto the bowsprit) I've got a date with destiny, and it ain't gonna end with a kiss! (spots the shark through a spyglass) You've vexed me for too long. Too long! Full speed ahead, Stacy; get me in close!

Stacy: Aye aye, Candace!

Candace: Captain!

Stacy: Captain! (aside) Yikes, what is it about that hat?

Candace: From Danville Harbor I stab at thee; for busting's sake I spit my last spit at thee! (spits onto the plunger's bell) Unh! (hurls the plunger at the shark's fin, where it sticks) Make for shore, Stacy! We've got him! (the ship turns for shore, hauling the shark with it)

(Inside the shark)

Phineas: (looking through a window in the shark) Say, whoever's on that boat has the story wrong. They're supposed to drive us out to sea, not drag us into shore! Looks like we're gonna need a bigger shark. (pulls a handle, making the shark grow in size; the grown shark starts dragging the Pea-quad out to sea)

(At the -inator)

Doofenshmirtz: Now I wish I'd made that "OFF" button more accessible from the taffy itself. (sighs; he and Perry are completely trapped in the taffy) I wonder how this is affecting the surface water.

(On the surface, the water has grown rough as the shark pulls the Pea-quad out to sea)

Candace: Is that the best you've got?

Stacy: (emerging from the head with a handful of plungers) I found more harpoons! And I'm gonna pretend these have never been used!

Candace: Load the cannon! (Stacy loads all the plungers into the cannon) Stand clear! (Candace lights the cannon, which fires; however, a rope loops around Candace's ankle and pulls her off the ship)

Stacy: (clicks her tongue) Yep.

Candace: (roped to the shark; screams and bangs on the shark) I know you be in there!

Captain Squint: (banging on the inside wall with a large fishhook) I'm-a gettin' us outta here, boys.

Phineas: We need more power, Ferb! (Ferb lashes the shark's tail rapidly)

Candace: Hard to starboard, Stacy! (Stacy turns the wheel port, turning the ship and shark around) Okay, that's port, but whatever!

(At Danville Harbor; the gatherers are watching a puppet show of a man stabbing a harpoon at a shark)

Puppet man: Arr! Arr!

Lawrence: You know, it's such a shame the reenactment can't be this exciting.

(a giant wave crashes over Danville Harbor, depositing the shark on the beach; the mouth opens and Captain Squint jumps out)

Captain Squint: A-ha-ha-ha! Free at last! Thanks for me new leg, boys! (his leg fires a rocket engine and Captain Squint flies away)

Candace: Mom! Mom! Look, Mom!

(back at the taffy, one of the spinners breaks, launching the taffy)

Candace: Look, Mom! Look at the shark!

(The taffy sticks to the shark and yanks it back, dropping Candace on the beach next to her brothers)

Candace: Mom!!

Linda: What? (removes her wet bonnet and two starfish covering her eyes) Oh, that? (sees Buford and Baljeet in their "shark" costume) They get cheesier every year.

Buford: ROAR!! (starts shaking Baljeet)

Baljeet: You cannot attack me; I am the tail!

Buford: (yanks up Baljeet by the tail) Shark wedgie!

Candace: (walks up to them) That's not what I meant! (takes her hat off)

Linda: It never is, honey. (at the kids) Who wants blood pudding?

Phineas, Buford, Baljeet: Me!

(The kids follow Linda offscreen)

(Back at the taffy)

Doofenshmirtz: You know, this much I could've predicted, but I'm having a hard time explaining the giant metal shark. (sighs as the shark is pulled towards them by the taffy) Well, at least we'll go together, Perry the Platypus. (Perry ejects from his wetsuit through the scuba helmet and swims away) Oh sure, I reach out to you and then you use the emergency face plate ejector thing. (the shark crashes into Doofenshmirtz, the taffy, and the -inator, creating a cloud of bubbles)

(On the surface, a giant bubble pops:)

Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Perry the Plat-

(A second bubble rises and pops:)

Doofenshmirtz: -ypus!