Burger Wars

All right, listen, you kids are going to be on your best behavior, right now.

The landlord, Mr.

Fischoeder's, coming over to talk about the lease, and we don't know if he's going to renew the lease.

- He'll renew.

- Well, we haven't always paid our rent on time.

We never pay our rent on time.

- Thanks, lin.

- Uh.

All right, listen.

Your mother and I are going to go and make him some food.

That's going to save us; Our food, and our service.

- You kids start cleaning now.

- Pick that up.

And, Gene, you go outside and try and drum up some business.

I'll play my triangle! Ding-da-da-ding, da-da-ding, da-da-ding, da-da-ding No! You don't understand my music! Shush.

And here's the other important thing: When Fischoeder gets here, you will not I repeat, not stare at him like he's some kind of spectacle.

- I don't-I don't ever stare at him.

- I-I don't stare at him.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Um Yes, Mr.

Fischoeder is an eccentric.

Yes, he wears a white suit.

An eye patch.

And he drives a golf cart everywhere he goes.

He is one white cat away from being a super-villain.

All right, but he owns this building, everyone.

He owns the amusement park, and just about everything else in town, so you're not going to stare at him when he gets here.

Here we go! Bob, Linda, your children are refusing to acknowledge me.

Ah, kids, stop doing that.

Acknowledge Mr.

Fischoeder, right now.

- Are you a superhero? - Can I feel your hair? Stop! Stop! Go clean something, now.

All of you.

So, uh, Mr.

Fischoeder, you know, after all these years, I've realized, - you've never eaten my food.

- Mm-hmm.

And I want to present to you one of my favorite specialty burgers.

Oh, no offense, Bob, but I have a policy that I don't dine at any of my tenants' establishments.

Oh.

But I saw you eating at Douche Sushi.

That's different.

That place is incredible! Have you had their starfish? It melts in your mouth.

No? Nobody? - You? - No.

Anywho Quiet in here.

Like this a lot, Bob? Yeah, well, I mean, it's 12:30.

Sorta the lunch lull.

- The lunch lull.

- That's what we call it.

- Huh.

Wow.

- Jimmy Pesto's lunch lull Well, Jimmy Pesto's is a pizza place If you're into that kind of thing pizza.

Stupid.

- I like pizza.

- Pizza?! Where's pizza?! Shush.

Anyway, when people want a burger A good American burger They have nowhere else to go, but Sorry.

Sorry to interrupt.

Let me be honest with you.

I enjoy you, Bob.

Your mustache, -it's fascinating.

- Thank you.

- Do you mind if I? - You're touching it.

- Yeah.

I That's - Yeah, you're - That's really something.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

Mmm Hmm hmm Listen, Jimmy Pesto has tendered an offer on this space.

Jimmy Pesto?! He wants to move over here? Yes, he wants to move his gift shop over here.

Gift shop?! This would be an amazing gift shop! I could do all my Christmas shopping here! - Yes! - No, no, no, no, no, no.

Please, I-I think if you tried my burger, you'd see that Bob, you're always late with the rent.

- And Jimmy pays early.

- Wait, wait, wait, Mr.

Fischoeder, please.

Be-before you make a decision, just taste my burger.

Just taste it.

Fine.

Another trip to the gym.

Jimmy Pesto may be a good businessman, But I think you'll find that, unlike his microwaved junk, my food is Mr.

Fischoeder? Mr.

Fischoeder? He-he's choking.

He's chok - How do I do it?! What do I do? - You just push! Push! - Push on his belly! - Hit him in the crotch! No, Gene! Don't hit him in the crotch.

Yes! Hit him in the crotch! - I'll hold his hair.

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Linda, please.

- Oh, my God! Wow! He's turning blue! Put his hand in warm water! He can't die! He cannot die in here! - Let's move him outside.

- No, everyone, hands around him! - Group heimlich! One - Two, three! There it is! Holy crap! Give him some room, kids.

Give him room! Oh ow - So, um - Ow Did you, uh, did you like it? Your rent is due Friday night.

And if you're late, I'm giving your lease to Jimmy Pesto.

Do you want me to pack this to go? You're going to need fries with that.

So Mr.

Fischoeder is okay. But we've got to pay the rent in full by tomorrow night or he'll be giving our lease to Jimmy Pesto.

Paying the rent in full! What's next? Paying your other bills? Don't worry.

We'll figure something out.

- Right, Bobby? - Jimmy Freaking Pesto.

Oh, Bob.

You know, Pesto's not his real name; It's Poplopovich.

Of course it is.

The guy's a complete phony.

What is this obsession with him? - I'm not obsessed with him.

- Yeah, you are.

You're both obsessed.

It's like you guys are stalking each other.

I could care less about the guy.

I think you should both grow up, at least for the kids' sake.

- Let me see.

Let me see.

- Ugh.

The kids.

Why does Tina have to like Jimmy Pesto Jr.

? Of all the 13-year-old boys in the world Eh, she likes them, too.

It's kind of romantic, though two families at war, a budding romance - It's like West Side story! - Ugh! Rumble! Stop.

You know that Louise is friends with the twins, now, two of Jimmy Pesto's little boys Andy and Ollie.

No, no, no.

I'm calling a ban on all the Pesto kids.

Our kids are going to cease contact.

- Let's be best friends forever.

- Okay.

Let's cut our hands and press them together - and become blood brothers! - Okay! No, spit brothers! Spit in your hand and then shake.

- Let's do both! - Sorry, I'm saving my spit and blood for my honeymoon.

Let's rub our eyes together.

- You can get my pink eye! - Okay! Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

- Ow.

Ow.

Ooh - So hard to be friends these days.

Hey, is that your brother Jimmy, touching himself all over? Yeah, he's really into slow dancing now.

He knows it's supposed to be with other people, right? It is? Ugh, look at Tina.

Kissed the guy, and she still can't get his attention.

She should try pigs in a blanket.

That always gets my attention.

Ugh.

What's he up to now? What!? Oh, my God! "Now serving burgers.

" Burgers! That's it.

It's time for a showdown.

All right.

We're going to a rumble I'm gonna confront him.

gonna confront him Confront him right in the face.

yeah, right in his handsome face.

- What? - What? You said "handsome face.

" You did.

It's a "Right in his handsome face.

" I know what I said.

- You think he's handsome? - God, yes.

No, I'm saying it with anger, like, "you handsome face!" So he's He's so handsome you wanna-you wanna punch him.

He looks like tom Selleck.

When I die, I want you to cremate me and throw my ashes in tom Selleck's face.

That's a crazy request.

I get it.

All right, let's go.

Kids, watch the restaurant.

- Oh, lord.

- So many people Kids, watch the restaurant.

Tina, watch the restaurant.

Restaurant, we both know you can handle this.

Call me if you need me.

Love you.

Jimmy said he'll be right out.

- You wanna try a Pesto-colada? - No.

Yeah, sure.

- Lin.

- What? Free drink.

Yuck.

Look at that.

"Pasta la vista, baby"? "Frank and Zelda, oldies with goodies"? Ugh.

Some confrontation.

I want some action.

I need some action.

There's Jimmy Jr.

Busing tables has never looked so sensual.

- Yet so menial.

- Yeah.

Here's Jimmy.

Now some fur's going to fly.

Well if it isn't Bob of Bob's Burgers.

Jimmy so-called Pesto of Jimmy Pesto's.

Let's skip the niceties, shall we? Pesto-colada for the lady - On the house.

- Thank you.

Except for that nicety.

- What are you doing, Jimmy? - What? Selling burgers, coming after my lease What are you doing, Poplopovich? Whoa Yeah, your name is not what it says on the Mmm.

Mmm.

Lin.

Mmm, ah.

Stop.

Ah.

It's good.

Bob, I run a business, all right? I don't know what you're doing, with your fancy ingredients.

"I'm Bob, and I like kale.

" Kale! There's nothing wrong with kale.

- Why don't you call it snob's burgers? - Snob's burgers, ha! You think anything that isn't frozen or rotten is fancy, Jimmy.

Okay, Mr.

fancy face, let's see who's got customers? Ah, da-di-di-di Ah, I got some.

Let's see who doesn't.

Oh, you.

Ha.

I've got customers, Jimmy.

They're not there right now.

They have a life.

Oh, yeah? Well, good luck making rent by tomorrow night.

Well, good luck trying to steal my customers with your best-o burger.

They'll never Oh, my God! - Bob! - Unbelievable.

We just came to watch the ball game.

I had the urge to sing some journey! Come on, Linda, we're leaving! Go, go.

Go, go, go, go.

Hmm! You're not going to get our lease, Jimmy! He's going to get our lease.

No, Bobby! Forget about Jimmy Pesto.

All we need is one really good day of business, and then we can pay our rent and keep the place, huh? Huh? I guess you're right.

If we could pack the house tomorrow Sure! A packed house.

We can do that.

Let's have a family brainstorm, right now.

- Gene, come on! - Uh, live entertainment featuring a mix of techno Yeah, yeah? And dad's favorite The triangle! Ding-ding-ding ding-ding ding ding-ding-ding.

Oh, yeah.

- No.

- Tina, go! - Slow dancing! - Grind, grind No.

Grind Tina, stop.

What are you do stop that.

Louise, what do you got? When I was young and naive, I would have said "arson," but I'm gonna go with "voodoo.

" Hmm.

I like arson.

No.

Seriously, dad voodoo.

I have a book.

No, I have a book! No.

I'll go get it.

I got it.

Make some flyers For half-off, and good for tomorrow night only.

You know, that might bring some people in.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Okay, I found it.

Forget voodoo.

We're doing flyers.

What? Who's candy-ass idea was that? I'm out of the room for five seconds! Ah, we're on a roll.

Let's brainstorm something else.

Uh Christmas card No, no, no, we're done brainstorming we got it.

Oh.

How 'bout we shave our heads for the Christmas card? - Spell our names wrong.

- Shave our legs.

Totally soft, silky family.

I like it.

- I have a book! - Nobody forget what they just said.

I'm I'm gonna go get some paper.

Mmm.

Eh, it's pretty good.

It's pretty good.

It's not good! It's not good! Goin' in the garbage! If I can get a lock of Jimmy Pesto's hair, I'm pretty sure I can control his mind.

- Really? - I don't know.

I'm just skimming.

All I know is it works on fools and imbeciles.

Oh, me, me.

Can you help me dance Jimmy Jr.

Back into remembering we're going out? Yes, I can.

I just need a lock of your hair.

Okay.

Can you help me get a gig in the music business? Hair.

So long, old friend.

Wait, can't we talk about this?! So if you stick the penny into the potato, you've just made a battery out of a potato.

I've just made a voodoo doll out of a potato.

Oh! Who is it? My sister Tina.

She wants me to make your brother slow-dance with her and remember that they're going out.

Can you get a lock of your brother's hair? Yup.

Agh! And you said I was crazy for carrying this around.

Now who's laughing? Me! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! - Hi, kids.

How was school? - Good.

Mom, Andy and Ollie are helping me with a school project.

I'm gonna need 15 potatoes, a lock of hair from you and dad.

Also rum and cigars, if you have any.

- Wait.

What's this for? - English.

You two have homework? - A little.

- Not doing it.

Good 'cause you're going down to the pier to hand out flyers.

We're back.

Did you pass 'em all out? Yup.

We saved the family.

Jimmy Pesto even took one.

So did Jimmy one wing.

He's a seagull I met.

What the hell? "Tonight only, our competitor's flyers "good for half-off your burger, plus a free t-shirt"? Oh, my God.

Aw, Mort's bringing his mother to dinner.

No.

No.

No! Those are my customers! This is a war now.

This is a war.

Listen, it's the theme from braveheart! Ding-ding-ding-ding, ding, ding No! Wait, wait.

Di Dad, what are you doing? Mmm-mm.

Mmm-mm.

Shh! Gene, Tina, this may be our last chance to save the restaurant.

Your father needs full concentration right now.

He's attempting to make the most difficult burger known to man.

I've only seen him do it once successfully.

And now he has to do it in a mini sampler size.

What is it? He calls it "the meatsiah.

" It's beef tartare inside a burger medium-well inside a burger Wellington.

Is dad gonna die? Maybe, honey, maybe.

Oh, he has to be happy with that one.

So how is this gonna save the restaurant? Am I gonna put on the burger suit and hand these out in front? Oh, no.

We're going straight to the source with these.

You're gonna be handing these out in Jimmy Pesto's restaurant.

Whoa.

That's right, whoa.

These samples are gonna get us our rent money tonight, so we can keep this place.

How are free samples gonna get us money? They'll try the samples, and they'll love 'em, but they'll want more.

More! They'll be craving these burgers, itching to get their fix! Like heroin.

- That's right son, like heroin! - Yes! But this family's gonna have to execute perfectly to pull this off where's Louise? This one shall have his first gig.

This one shall slow dance upon that one.

And Mr.

Jimmy Pesto's fate is yet undetermined, because I still need to get some of his hair.

I'm gonna go get it right now.

Wanna come? - We want to stay here.

- Forever.

We wanna stay here forever and ever.

- We want to be buried here! - Buried here! Okay, I'll bury you when I get back.

You're taking hair donations? That's right.

Hm, for people with mustache cancer? Yeah, it's a serious disease.

Hey, aren't you Bob's kid? No! No, no.

Dad, Frank and Zelda both got the scampi, and now they're in the bathroom puking.

Oh, for God's sake.

Where am I gonna get another piano player at this hour? We could put on some boyz ii men and I could slow dance.

Hey, pepper, no! For the thousandth time, no! It's my passion, dad! Passion! I know a guy.

Hello, Bob's burgers.

You tell dad where you were going? Mm, he's working on his burger bites.

Hey, there's a drum set.

Back me up! Sorry, it'll just be another minute.

We're really backed up in there.

Gene got his wish! The voodoo is working! How you doin'? Nice shirt.

Oh, my God! Gene's first public performance! These are almost done.

Is everybody ready? Aw! And my Tina's dancin'.

My little clam's coming out of her shell! I'm just gonna slip out for one sec! Okay, here we go.

Time to go win back the restaurant! Linda? Kids? Oh, my God.

Gene was supposed to wear the costume.

Well, you know what? I'll do this myself.

This next number's a slow jam.

It's called "three sides don't make a square.

" Ding, ding, ding Yup.

Thank you.

What happened, did you snap? Did Mr.

fancy face take a trip to the sexy store? No.

It's a little small on you.

A little tight in the pickles, huh? What's on the tray? These are burger bites, Jimmy.

The best in the world.

I'm gonna show your customers what real food is.

Here, try a real burger, sir.

Hey.

Yeah, well Eh-eh.

I'm gonna go this way then.

Nah-nah-nah.

Yeah.

Well, then I'm Whoa! Dah-dah.

Don't poke me.

Aah! Real burgers.

Right across the street.

- Hey, hey.

- Just move.

Eh, just move.

- Shut what? - I didn't do it.

Yeah, I did it.

- Oh, no.

- Is that dad? And you people! Traitors! Traitor family! It's Gene's first public performance! You could had me at the ground floor, dad.

Now I play the big rooms.

You gotta let the kids have a little fun.

We have fun, Linda! We have lots of fun! What's he wearin'? My buns.

With a few extra buns hanging out the back.

Oh! Hey, dad, I'm playing drums! Oh, I'm so happy you're playing drums, Louise! And you know what? You should keep your freaky kids locked up in your own place.

What did you say about my kids? Hit him in his handsome groin! Wait.

Watch it.

You.

I'm gonna.

- Ow! - Hey.

Wait.

Wait.

Get him, dad.

Come on! Come on! Don't worry, dad! Anything? Anything? I got the samples, Bobby.

Aw, crap.

That looks silly.

Come for the rent? - Yes, I've come for the rent.

- Bob! No, no, let 'em fight.

Looks like a betting crowd.

Who wants three-to-one against the burger? Right here! Yeah, let me see.

Let me see.

Wanna, here oh! Very nice, thank you.

All right, it's a draw.

Who had "they end up hugging each other"? Me.

That's ten to you.

Thank you.

Now Bob, Jimmy, let's all go over to Jimmy's new gift shop I mean sorry Bob's place and settle this over some nice alcohol, hmm? Bob Do you have the rent? No.

Not all of it.

Okay then.

Here we go.

- Oh, God.

- Give me your hands.

Uh sure.

Do you cry easily? Um sometimes.

Well, let's get it over with.

Bob, I will not be renewing Oh, what is that amazing smell? - Who's hungry?! - What are those? Only the holy grail of hamburgers the meatsiah! Hmm Are these choke-resistant? They're bite-sized! Oh, good.

Mmm mmm! Mmmmm! Huh? I have never Eaten a burger Half - Hit him in the crotch! - Oh, no, no.

I'm just kidding.

As good as this.

This is great! Yeah! Oh, it's, it's complicated it's-it's mystical, it's-it's barbaric - Thank you.

- Mmm.

Mr.

Fischoeder, I wanted to - I'm talking, Jimmy.

- I want to I'm talking.

Bob, you might be the worst tenant I've ever had, and I rent space to a raccoon sanctuary.

I know.

They're next-door.

I've been meaning to talk to you about.

- Shh.

It's okay.

- Right.

I get it now.

You were trying to tell me the other day, but I wouldn't listen because I was choking to death.

Mr.

Fischoeder, I just have Jimmy, please! Please! I was thinking about my life, you see, and how I didn't want it to end in your pathetic little restaurant on your sad, filthy floor.

Hey! But now I see it.

You're not a businessman.

You don't care about customers and money! Ha! No, I do.

I do.

No, no, you are an artist a beef artist.

A be-fartist! A poet! Who writes with meat and buns and pickles.

Like a greasy, heterosexual Walt Whitman.

Uh thank you.

Okay.

Well, Mr.

Fischoeder, I - Jimmy! - No, it's fair - Jimmy! - To talk.

Please.

Which brings me to your lea Just 'cause I'm not greasy Shut up! Which brings me to your lease.

Let's extend it! All right, Bobby! But I gotta make it month-to-month.

- Eh.

- Oh Um all right.

- We'll take it.

- And I have to raise your rent a little.

Hmm.

Okay.

That's yes.

Eh.

Daddy! Andy, Ollie, what are you doing here? Voodoo! What? Voodoo! Yeah, and we switched underpants! Ollie, that was a secret! I couldn't hold it in anymore! Wait.

These are your kids? And you thought my kids were freaky? Come on, boys, we're leaving.

No! We wanna stay! Yeah, it's fun here! Yeah, Jimmy.

It's fun here.

Ehh Shush.

All right! Let's celebrate! Yes! Gene? Ah, do us the honor.

A little music? You believe in me.

Time to tickle the iron.

A ding, a dong, a ding-dong-ding.

Slow jam.

Come on, Jimmy Jr.

, let's get back to work.

No, dad! I'm gonna dance with Tracy! Tina.

Tina! Yup, voodoo works.

I'm a God! Am I doing this right? Mort, do I look sexy? My pants aren't falling down, are they, Mort? When I dance, sometimes my pants fall down.