Art Teacher

Since mom is out of town, wizard class is cancelled. [both] Yes! What does Mom being away have to do with class being cancelled? I said Mom's away. We can have some fun. - Yes! - Yeah! Hey, what's really fun is when you give me my allowance. First we're gonna play something I like to call Spell Roulette. Here's the book of spells. Each of you randomly points to one, recites it and then we see what happens. - I'll go first. - [Dad] OK. Defleppard, Animalus. [barks] Now, this is Undo Dust. It undoes a spell when a wizard forgets how to reverse it. What kind of wizard, Alex, would be so ill-prepared, Alex, where they would forget a reverse spell, Alex? What kind of jerk, Justin I'm good with just saying that. All right. OK, Alex, you're up. There you go. No, you can't just change it. - Yeah, no, it's not - She doesn't do the rules. Ooh! I like this one. Rain on, chain on. Nice. And with that, I'll be out spending my allowance. Sorry, Alex. I don't have any cash on me. Guess you should've thought your little plan through a little more carefully. Oh, I did. What? I'm part of your plan? No! That's Um, Dad, you owe Justin $25. Huh? Wait. Alex, come back here! Come on! * Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please * * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * * Everything is not what it seems * * You can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * * What it seems * Wow. Alex, I really like what you've done here. It's a very dramatic blend of color and circles. Really? 'Cause I was just painting this. Nice. Hey, everybody, take a look at Alex's piece. Some of us are over-thinking our projects a little too much and we could all follow Alex's lead and be more spontaneous. I'll show you spontaneous. Let's skip this class and do something more interesting, like watching the football team learn how to read. - [bell rings] - OK, good work, everybody. And, T. J., how about for your next assignment you draw yourself a detention slip and I'll sign it? And that is why you are my favorite teacher. And do you know why you're my favorite student? Because you'll hang back after class and clean up. Oh, I see what you did there. I don't like it, but I respect it. Clean it up. Wash it, scrub it down, oh, no. What did you just do? that was fast. That was almost instantaneous. That's because I clean things competitively? And I am a champion competitive cleaner. It was a really good class today. You were great. OK, bye! Justin, I need you to sign something for me. "Dear Coach Gunderson. Please excuse Max from P. E. " "He has mono-orangosis. " I've never even heard of mono-orangosis. Yeah, well, that's because it's a very rare color blindness. - Oh, really? - I can't see anything orange. I can't taste orange. I can't even hear orange. In fact, I didn't hear half of what I just said. Sure you don't wanna go with something more realistic, like I'm-a-dumbadosis? - Oh. - Yeah. That's a really nice way to talk to somebody with a disease! You have a disease? Why, yes, I do. - It's mono-orangosis. - Oh, you poor baby. - You know, I've heard of that. - You have? Well, that is kind of impossible, but great. You're not gonna believe what I set up for the sleep-over. We're gonna make our own purses! We can sew on the buttons, appliquÃ©s, ribbons. Oh, Harper, this is gonna be so much fun. Oh, I just love our slumber parties. Oh, me, too. [doorbell] Wouldn't that be awesome if that was the pizza we forgot to order? You're a wizard. I've been thinking about how you cleaned up in class so fast, and there's only one explanation. You are a wizard. No, I'm not. Harper, am I a wizard? Alex? A wizard? Please. It's not like she's got a magic flying carpet or can duplicate herself or knows a spell to make a klutzy person not klutzy when they work at their sandwich shop. If she was a wizard, she could do those things, but she doesn't, so she isn't. Alex, please. I know that T. J. from class is a wizard, too. - T. J. 's a wizard? - Yes, T. J. 's a wizard. What other secrets haven't you told me? Um, I'm not gonna make a purse. Alex, I need your help. OK, I'm not saying I'm a wizard, but what kind of help are we talking about? T. J. and I dated over the summer. [both] Ewww! It didn't end well and he turned me into the worst thing that he could think of. A 40-year-old woman. - [gasps] - No! I was a 16-year-old girl. Prove it. I can text 50 words a minute without looking. I eat strawberry lip gloss like it's candy. If I could dress like I was going to the beach all the time, I would. Sounds more like a 14-year-old girl, if you ask me. Alex, if you could turn me back to 16, I would be your best friend. Uh-huh! Sorry, woman. That position is filled. - I'm just saying. - OK. Shh. Um, OK. There's only one way to find out if you were a 16-year-old girl. I'm not saying I'm a wizard, but I'll go get the Undo Dust, which undoes spells, if there were such thing as spells. - And he's out of the chute. - Oh, oh. Ah-ha-ha! What'd I tell you? Looks like we got another Cat Man Don't! Ride him! You gotta just get in there. Hold onto him. Wow! Ya-hoo! Come on. All right, Miss Majorhealey. When we sprinkle the dust, we'll find out if you really are 16. Dang! She's cute. [squeals] Check me out! I'm back! I'm back! [squeals] Whoo-hoo! Do you have any "shut your piehole" dust? Well, she's happy. Hey, you have to promise not to tell anybody I'm a wizard, OK? Oh, yeah, sure. Whatever. 'Cause you did it! Look at me! I'm back! [squeals] I think I know why T. J. broke up with her. So, T. J., heard a rumor about you and Miss Majorhealey. Well, I'm not a fan, but it's no rumor. I know you turned her into a 40-year-old woman, so I turned her back. You what?! That is so not cool, Alex. Not cool at all. And what happened between me and Jenny is none of your business. Besides, have you heard her squeak? OK, she's a bit of a squeaker, but what you did to her is still wrong. It's wizards like you who are almost gonna get us exposed. Alex, you've got a mouth on you. I was wondering if you would help spread word that art class is cancelled. What? Why? Miss Majorhealey texted in her resignation. Which is strange, 'cause I didn't know my phone got texts. That's it? You're just gonna cancel art class because you don't have a teacher to teach it? That's kind of how schools work. But I love art. Maybe it's time to start loving some other classes, like math or English or science. Nobody likes a one-trick pony. Hey, Alex! Hey, Harper! Miss Major Miss Majorhealey! Where have you been? Did you know that they cancelled art class? I know. I quit so I could make up for the time I lost when I wasn't 15 and part of 16. Ooh! And call me Jenny. No, I don't wanna call you Jenny. I wanna call you Miss Majorhealey and I want you to be my art teacher, so I can keep the one class I love and stay off the streets. If there's one thing I learned from being 40, it's that you don't need a class to be artistic. And you need to stretch more. What about T. J. ? Don't you wanna rub it in his face you're back? Nothing ever feels finished to me unless I rub it in someone's face. And the other thing I learned from when I was 40 is that rubbing it in someone's face doesn't get you anywhere. Really? Then I definitely don't wanna get older. Uh-uh. Oh, that reminds me. I have to go sell a car. Because I am no longer a licensed driver. Hello. Thank you for coming to Waverly Sub Station. My name is Justin. Can I interest you in a half-sandwich pickle spear combo? You're Misty May-Treanor. Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Holy moly! [clears throat] Uh Hey. What's up, Misty? Hi, trying-to-be-cool-guy. I'm looking for Max Russo. I'm sorry if he took your gold medal but he likes shiny things. My niece, Chelsa, says he's fighting mono-orangosis. I think I saw it on a telethon, so I stopped by to cheer him up. Max. There's someone here you need to explain something to. Hi, Max. I'm Misty May-Treanor. Oh, yeah? Prove it. How many fingers am I holding up? - Uh, two. - Oh, my gosh. You are Misty May-Treanor! - Whoa! - I heard about your disease. I thought you would wanna take your mind off it and hang out. OK. Come on. Oh, Justin, you can cover my shift for me, right? No. Oh, I think you can. You got it, Misty. Mr. Laritate. Mr. Laritate, you can't cancel art class. Life isn't just about facts and figures, it's about expression. If kids don't express themselves in a controlled environment, they'll just end up on the streets. Russo, I'm impressed. Your passion for something besides getting out of schoolwork warms this old cowboy's heart. - It does? - Like a campfire. I should be able to pull a few strings and get things up and running again at the old art corral. Thank you, Mr. Laritate. It really means a lot to me. Ain't no thing but a chicken wing. Could you give this basket to your ailing brother, Max? It has some of hisavorite knick-knacks and do-dads. Yes, sir, Mr. Laritate. I'll give Max the basket. He only said the basket. Excuse me. Do you know where I could find Max Russo? Look, whatever he broke, you should have gotten the extended warranty. No, no, no. - I'm Dwayne Johnson. - Oh, you're Dwayne Johnson. Well, the water founin's over there, but I don't think you should fix it. It's funny when people get squirted in the eye. No, I'm sure it's funny, but I'm Dwayne Johnson, the actor. Great. I'm Alex Russo, and my hobby is I like to poke things with a stick. But I haven't figured out how to make money with that yet, so I'm in school. Actors need a second job until they make it. You're a plumber. Actually, I'm not a plumber. I've been in quite a few movies. Acting is my first and only job. All right. Hope that works out for you, then. Wow. Well, let me know if you ever get into personal training. You're in shape. What do you bench? - 450, but who's counting? - Right. I could design a cardio program for you. - Oh, my gosh. That'd be great. - You em like a nice girl. I always dat first. Tell you what I'm gonna do. Let me go look at the fountain, see if I can fix it. It's terrible. I think I read about that on the internets. - I gotta go cheer him up. - Right. - I'll get back to you. - OK. Hey, everybody, look! It's the famous actor, Dwayne Johnson, fixing our fountain! OK, here's your turkey on wheat with a side of coleslaw and red and blue chips Dad! Misty May-Treanor is here because Max pretended to have a fake disease that doesn't let him taste, hear or see orange. And people are giving him gift baskets, and it's all wrong. - Did you say Misty May-Treanor? - Yes. Whoa! That was a spike. Oh! Misty May-Treanor! Is it? Misty May-Treanor! Wow! You're you. Yes, I am. Mr. Russo, I can't even imagine how rough it is for you to deal with what Max is going through. Misty, there's something we all need to tell you and I'm just Yes, yes. It's very, very trying to have a son with this condition. Especially with the furniture in this house. What? Lies! What makes it worse is when the whole family's not supportive. We We're working on him. He's in denial, so Dad, we're making salad. Do you want a bowl? Salad. Of course I would, son. Justin, you mind covering my shift down at the shop? I think we're gonna be awhile. No! I'm already working a double, and this is - [doorbell] - You wanna get the door, son? Aunt Misty, I just searched the internet and there's no such thing as mono-orangosis! The truth! You know, since the Olympics, this has been happening a lot. - You people are sick. - No, Misty, wait! - You have to sign my - Let it go. - . . sign my son! - No! - Please! Misty! - Not your son. - Get out ay! Misty! - Come on. No! So, here we are, T. J. I got Jenny back and now I got the art class back. So I guess you can say I'm kind of on a roll. It gives me great pleasure to announce that I am going to be teaching art class. Wait. You're teaching the class? Yes, thanks to your inspiring speech. Oh. Now I'm on the roll. All right, let's kick things off with a little painting. Today we're gointo be interpreting me. Wearing my cowboy suit. All right. Please grab your brushes and pay attention to detail. Take your time and don't rush, as art is all about pre-planning and being exact. But that's not art. It is if Mr. Laritate, our art teacher, says it is. Brushes up! And begin. Mr. Laritate, no offense, but I I don't think art is about being exact. It's about everyone's individual interpretation. Not here. I'm the sheriff of this class and I wanna see everyone's replication of the billowy wooliness of my chaps. [mouths] Mr. Laritate, as much as I would love painting your chaps, I think art class should be a little more creative. A class where we can truly express ourselves in a way words can't. If you think you have a better interpretation of what art class should be, why don't you share it with us? Right. Everyone grab your brushes and paint whatever you want. Be creative, spontaneous, passionate. I'll show you passion. Is that all you got? Ha-ha! Whoa, Nelly! Alex, look what you did. I'm so sorry, Mr. Laritate. Miss Russo, I have never seen, in all my years of teaching, a student who I know, I know. A student so disobedient, who cares about no one but herself, blah, blah. I heard this last period. No. I'm talking about a student who showed so much passion for what she believed in, who probably surprised herself but didn't surprise me at all. Just look at what you inspired. To reward you for your dedication to this class, I'm going to go out and find you a real art teacher. - You can be teacher's deputy. - Great. My first job as deputy is this. T. J. , why don't you take out your sketch pad and draw yourself a detention slip? I'll show you a detention slip. Thank you. That's exactly what I wanted. That backfired. OK, here's the melt you ordered with no cheese. So, technically, it's just warm tuna. Mom, Dwayne Johnson is upstairs with Max because he pretended to have mono-orangosis again. - Did you say Dwayne Johnson? - Dwayne Johnson. Oh, my God! [yells] Uh-oh. Uh-oh. All these muscles and I'm powerless against your mono-orangosis. Dwayne Johnson! Oh, my gosh! You are you! Yes, I am. Mrs. Russo, I'm so sorry to hear about Max. - It's gotta be so rough on you. - Oh, it's so tough. I could just faint. - Catch me, Dwayne. - Sure. Yeah. [knocking] Oh! I heard you were here. There's no such thing as mono-orangosis. Ever since I became famous, this is happening a lot. You people are sick, even you, Mom. Let's go, Chelsa. - No. - Give me this. Ungrateful. Wait! Wait, wait!