The Legend of Bad Bad Cleo Brown

1 I'm ready for the movies, lamb chop. You gonna treat your grandma? Uh, I would but, uh, I'm a little short. Yeah (Clears throat) Too easy. Don't worry, baby. It's Grandma's treat. Cheap just like his daddy. You wanna come with us, chickpea? Um, I would, but I gotta write my trailblazer report for school. I'm writing about Christopher Columbus but I'm just not feeling it. It's like saying, "Congrats, Chris. You discovered a brand-new world that is already filled with people lookin' at you like, who the heck is this guy. " (Laughter) - It would be like me discovering this pie. - Hey, that's my pie. Then what's it doing in my mouth? I would much rather be writing about a real trailblazer like like you, Grandma. The first female black spy in the Organization. What in the Harry Potter are you talking about? I wasn't the first. Cleo Brown was. Uh, speaking of firsts, did you know a black man invented the traffic light? Why don't we pay homage to him as you drive me to the movies? Hold your horses, potato chip. Which, FYI, was also created by a black man. That sour cream and onion flavor? White folks. So if Cleo Brown was the first, then how come I've never heard of her? Probably because it happened in the '70s. Back then, it was hard for any woman to get ahead. But a black woman? Forget it. Sister couldn't catch a break. But I bet they could catch a movie, which means they're doing better than me. For your information, back then, there was no glass ceiling for us. It was made of concrete. Maybe that's why they wore the big Afros, to soften the bump. Oh, but Cleo changed all of that. She was kinda like you. Smarter than a set of encyclopedias, those long, pencil legs, and a smile bigger than the Mississippi. She was a bad mama jamma. She's the baddest of the bad The toughest of the tough She's Cleo Brown and she don't take no stuff Cleo, Cleo Brown Oh, when danger comes for you You know I'll stand beside you 'Cause ain't nobody keep things hustle cool I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire Don't tell nobody, tell nobody I'm not perfect So many things I wanna tell you But I, I, I, I keep it undercover Livin' my life, no way to learn Doin' my thing, gonna make it work Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless But I always got your back Nobody can do it like I can I gotta find out who I am Ain't got to worry about me It's all part of the plan I keep it undercover. I keep it undercover. Grandma, you gotta talk. I need to know more about this Cleo Brown. Okay, okay, now calm down, baba ganoush. Okay, let me start at the beginning. The year was 1974. Nixon was just about to resign, the Sky Lab was orbiting the Earth, and the world was changing. And Cleo Brown was right smack dab in the middle of the storm. Now the woman's movement was well underway, but we have a long way to go. Cleo Brown was a secretary, which is fine if that's what you wanna do. But she wanted more. Agent Ballard, I took the liberty of doing a little research for your mission to Bahrain. As is custom, you will have to burp after every meal in order to show your appreciation of the host. If you don't burp, you will blow your cover. (Burps loudly) You're welcome. And in other news, it's tuna casserole in the cafeteria today. I don't understand why you work so hard. We don't have to be good at this. We just have to be here long enough to make a man fall in love with us so we can get married. Hi, Harvey. 'Cause I love spy work. The challenge, the excitement. Cleo, stop dreaming about your silly career, and start dreaming about changing diapers. Changing diapers is your dream? Because that is my nightmare. There is more to life than marriage and babies. Not according to Marriage and Babies Digest. Can I see that? Oh, sure. Ow! Girl, get it together; it is 1974. I don't know about you, but I wanna grab the brass ring and live the thrilling life I was meant to. Where's my coffee? Right after I grab Agent Whitman his coffee. Coming, sir. Here you go, Mr. Whitman. Thanks, hon. Her boss called her hon? Well, baby, that's the way it was back then. What's wrong with hon? It's condescending, it's belittling. It's like saying a woman's name isn't worth remembering. How would you like it if I called you hon? Compared to what you usually call me, it would be a step up. I see your point. Sorry, hon. All right, agents. We have a new mission. (Snaps fingers) Hon, get the lights. Based on intel we just received, there's a brand-new group of subversives calling themselves the Other Side. Relax. Chances are, we'll be able to take care of them quickly, and they'll never be heard from again. Meanwhile, we suspect they're using a local discotheque as a front to print counterfeit money. (Snaps fingers) Hon, get the lights. Now as soon as our informant Smitty tells us the location of the discotheque, we'll move in. We need someone cool and hip to blend in with the glamorous discotheque crowd. Henrietta, you haven't been on a mission for a while. You're our gal. Yes, hon? Actually, it's Cleo. Um, I just wanted to say to Henrietta, you are an amazing agent and a total pioneer, girl, but, um, I just think I'm a bit more well, disco-ier than she is, and a better fit for this mission. (Laughing) You wanna go on a mission? Well, yeah. I'm the right age. I watch Soul Train, so I know all the new dances. The Bus Stop, the Robot, and my Funky Chicken is the funkiest in town. Cleo, I'm as progressive as the next guy, but I can't put you on this mission. Why not? Because you're a woman. Henrietta's a woman. Well, yeah, but you're You're, um I'm what? You're a secretary. Now why don't you act like one, and get me a doughnut. Can you handle that mission? I am so angry, I could pop. I went in there and volunteered to be on a mission, and they practically laughed me out of the room. You really don't want a husband, do you? You might as well walk around here in boring clothing and no makeup and never mind. Oh, now, sweetie, are you okay? What the heck is wrong with you?! Keep this up and you're gonna get us both fired. Power to you, but I can't get caught up in your mess. Girl, I got four kids, one of 'em need braces, and I'm saving up for a car. And how would I get us both fired? Now you know good and well they can't tell us secretaries apart. Then why don't you go in there and give Agent Whitman his doughnut? Because if I go back in there, I'm gonna shove it down his doughnut hole. Cleo, why are you rockin' the boat? Now just stay in your place. My place? I don't have to stay in my place. This isn't the olden days when you had to be afraid to step out of line. This is 1974. A black woman ran for president of the United States. Now, granted, barely anybody voted for her, but you know what, she ran. So now you think you Shirley Chisholm? Girl, you ain't even Shirley Temple Black. No, I'm Cleo, Cleo Brown. I just want the same opportunities to succeed as anyone else in here. (Phone rings) (Sighs) Hello. Agent Whitman's office. Yes, this is Cleo speaking. Oh, hi, Smitty. It's the informant. Uh, you know what? Agent Whitman is in a meeting right now. Can I take a message? The Xenon discotheque. All right, I'll let him know. Thank you. (Clears throat) The Xenon. Interesting. Cleo Brown, you are workin' my last nerve. Now go in there and give Whitman that message. I could, and he could say, "Thanks, hon. Go get me another coffee," or I could go to the Xenon, complete the mission by myself, and prove that I have what it takes to be a real spy. Now I'm taking this mission. (Paper drops) I forgot I burnt my bra. This story's getting good. Because she said bra? No. Because this brave woman had the courage to prove her worth in a society that undervalued her contributions simply because of the color of her skin. - And because she said bra. - (Giggles) Yeah. So let me guess. Cleo Brown went behind the Organization's back, completed the mission, they say how amazing she was and made her an agent. Excuse me. Who's telling this story? Right now, no one. Come on, Grandma. You can't leave a chickpea hangin'. Okay. So that night, Cleo convinced her friends to go with her to the discotheque. I can't believe I let Cleo Brown talk me into helping her on some crazy secret mission. Secret mission? She told me this was a fix-up. I hope no one sees me here. I cannot afford to get fired. I got four kids, one of 'em need braces, and I'm savin' up for a car. Well, I hope no one sees me here either. How pathetic, being out on the town without a date. I don't wanna seem desperate. Said the girl who tells first dates she already has a wedding dress. That is not desperate. That is prepared. Not you two. What the heck are you lookin' at? Jive turkey! What, so you sayin' we not cool and hip enough for this club? Just for that, I'm not offering you a bite of my meatloaf sandwich. Don't tell me I'm not cool and hip. She's the baddest of the bad The toughest of the tough She's Cleo Brown and she don't take no stuff Cleo, Cleo Brown What the heck was that? Oh, it's Cleo! (Deep voice) Cleo Brown! How you feelin', ladies? You're late. I may be late, but I am right on time. Well, actually, you're not. But regardless, they're not letting us in. You are with Cleo Brown. They'll let us in. Ya dig? Come on in. Baby, I'm already in. GRANDMA: And spinnin' on the turntables that night was the coolest deejay who ever lived. DJ Funky Wonder. Grandma Gayle, did DJ Funky Wonder look like me? Uh, no, fluffernutter. Not even a little? Sorry, soda pop. Can he look like me? Ugh! Fine. (Feedback whines) Are you ready to get on down? Right on, right on. Are you ready to get on up? You're rockin' with DJ Funky Wonder. I'm gonna make you boogie-oogie-oogie until you just can't boogie no more, baby. Boogie. Come on, ladies. You gotta loosen up. We gotta blend in. We're on a mission here. No, you're on a mission here. I need to be home. I got four kids, one of 'em need braces, and I'm savin' up for a car. Yes, you have mentioned that. If you ask me, I'd just buy the car, and tell that kid of yours to smile with his mouth closed. Yeah, Carol. Be cool. Don't be all, like, uncool. All right, ladies, I'm gonna groove my way to the back room and see if I can get a picture of the counterfeiting machine on my Afro camera. Oh, what's an Afro camera? It's a camera in my Afro. Now all I gotta do is take a picture of the counterfeiting machine, send it in to the drugstore, wait a couple of weeks for it to come back, then show it to Agent Whitman. Then he'll come down here to the disco, and bust 'em cold stone and then, shablooya! I will be Agent Cleo Brown in no time. Well, a little bit of time, but you know what. I've waited a year, so I can wait a couple more weeks. GRANDMA: Now don't ask me how, but Cleo shimmied her way into the bowels of the club. "TNT Boom. " Man: It's right here in the storage room. Okay, Skully, we're almost finished pressing the LP's. We definitely shipping tonight? Yep, and no one will ever guess the albums are actually made out of dynamite. Ho! (Laughs) The records will soon be in the hands of the Other Side. Hopefully soon, some bread will be in my hands. Ah, yeah, about that. (Laughing) What was he thinking? I make records out of dynamite. Did he really expect me to pay him? Clean up this mess. And try not to blow anything up. I'm starting to think I should've let Henrietta do this mission. I wonder if it's too late to cram her into a tube top. Oh, hey, Cleo. Hey. It turns out there's some pretty crazy stuff goin' on here. Tell me about it. This disco music is out of sight. Turns out you can dance all by yourself. I'm telling you, this music has changed me. I don't need a man to dance with. I don't need a man at all. That's too bad, because there's a guy over there checking you out. I don't even care. Why you dancin' over to him? It's a coincidence. Cleo, did you get the picture you need? I got the pictures, all right. Turns out they're making records out of dynamite. I need to tell Agent Whitman so he can come down here and handle it. So he can handle it? Cleo, I thought this was your mission. This is the chance you've been dreaming about. You will never be able to live with yourself unless you complete it. (Feedback whines) Hey, hey, party people. I was just in the back room, and stumbled across a new record from a band I've never heard of called TNT. Their new single's called "Boom. " Let's see if it blows us away, baby. Oh, it will blow us away, as soon as he puts it on the turntable. It's made out of dynamite. We need to get outta here right now. Or you can finish what you started. Now all you foxy ladies and cool cats, let's get ready to groove to "Boom. " No! You can't play that record. It's a bomb. At least give it a chance, lollipop. For all you know, it could be dyn-o-mite. You may be bad, but I'm badder. I am bad, bad Cleo Brown. She's the baddest of the bad The toughest of the tough She's Cleo Brown, and she don't take no stuff Cleo, Cleo Brown Grandma Gayle, I don't want you to think that I'm accusing you of stretching the truth, but I just flat out don't believe you. I mean, how did Cleo Brown, who had never been on a mission before, and was basically ready to run through the door, all of a sudden beat the snot out of 20 bad guys? Ten, 20, 30, I don't know the exact number. I ain't no accountant. But she did save the day, and there's a whole lot more to the story. But first, I gotta take a little nappy nap. - Both: No! - I'm just yankin' your chain. Okay, so anyway, the next day, it was right back to work for Cleo. Cleo, can I see you in the conference room, please? Okay, this is it. Go get 'em, Agent Brown. I am so proud of you. You're getting your promotion I see you have a bruise on your chin. Well, you should see the other guys. In fact, in two weeks, when the pictures come back from the drugstore, you will be able to. Cleo, I'm furious with you. I think what you mean is, good work. You broke every rule in the book going on that mission. I think what you meant to say is I proved myself. I proved that I am just as capable as anybody in this office. I deserve to be an agent. No. You deserve to be fired! But I'm gonna spare your job, because you have four kids, one of 'em needs braces, and you're saving for a car. That is not me! Look, I'm gonna do you a big favor, keep this whole mess off your record, because you're a good girl. First off, I am not a girl. I am a woman. Secondly, I am not good. I am bad. Bad, bad Cleo Brown! And last but definitely not least, I will do us both a favor. I quit! You got that hon? Everybody back to work. (Phone rings) Hello. Hi, Charlie. A date tonight? I don't think so. I am going disco dancing by myself. Oh, and another thing. I'm letting my underarm hair grow! I want a promotion. I wanna apply to become a spy. Aren't you supposed to be making coffee? I have made enough coffee. Wait. So Cleo Brown rocked the mission, saved hundreds of people from a disco inferno, and still never officially became a spy? What the heck kinda female empowerment story is that? The kind we had in the '70s, baby. But if you allow me to finish, ramen noodle, Cleo did go on to start her own successful detective agency. And Cleo's lesson was our blessing. Because after that, the powers that be saw that black women could do any job just as well as anybody else, if not better. And we began to get promoted. And that is the story of Cleo Brown. You ready to go to the movies, hon? No! I'm too upset about what happened to Cleo. And don't call me hon. Well, I'm glad you liked the story. You know, we should know about our past. It's just a shame that Cleo didn't get her due. Too bad there's nothing we can do to change it. Or can we? Cleo Brown kicked down the doors so that my Grandma Gayle could become a spy. My Grandma Gayle fought discrimination with her head held high, so that my mother could become a spy. Then my mother, well, she she kinda dragged me into this without asking, but you know what, I digress. Some people kick down doors, some people get dragged through doors against their will. Anyway it is thanks to Cleo that all young black female spies can be brave, know our worth, and fly. And that is why we honor her today with this bust. Oh, baby, it's okay. You can let it out. (Giggling) She said bust.