President Hu Forbids It

[ thunder crashing ] [ drilling, sawing ] [ electricity crackling ] lt's alive! [ humming ] Ugh! Oh! l'm such an idiot! l'm melting! Melting! Sorry, guys. We're full up. [ techno music plays ] Oh, come on! [ tires screech ] [ computer beeping ] [ engine revs ] [ tires screech ] [ engine revs ] Ugh! [ glass shatters ] Oh, glass. Damn it! [ grunting ] Ugh! [ clang! ] [ panting ] [ grunts ] Ugh! You can't be serious. Scandal! World wildlife fund managers discovered today the fund has been completely emptied. Where did the money? Accountants are struggling to solve the mystery. [ dance music playing ] [ gasps ] [ music stops ] [ chimps chattering ] [ chimp shrieks ] [ dance music playing ] $45,000 going once, $45,000 going twice, and sold to the bidder in the rear! [ elephant trumpets ] Oh, my God! [ indistinct shouting ] [ dance music plays ] [ chimps shrieking ] There you go, Bill Gates. Okay, Bill Gates, the kids from NS YNC, Richard Branson, and what l guess is Michael Jackson are already aboard the world's first space billionaires flight. Anyone missing? Um The Chinese guy, Ling-Ling. Oh, this must be him. [ glass shatters ] [ dance music plays ] [ people cheering ] All right, let's do this. Come on. Try. Ahoy. Thar be boobies. You're ruining it! l want you to take me, like Captain Jack Sparrow. l thought that character was a chick. This is my fantasy. Try to be realistic. [ harp plays ] [ cockney accent ] Are you ready to be ravaged, me lady? lt is quite humid south of the equator, my Captain. Oh, oh, don't mind the little stowaways, my darling. Ew. Lice? No Pantene on the seven seas! [ spits ] Oh, my god! l've been brushing my teeth with rum and brine for close to my little siren. Pay it no mind. l don't know if l'm ready for this. Then l should warn you. l haven't a memory of me last wash. You might find my balls have the scent of vinegar fermenting in feta cheese. Ugh! Oh! l c-- l can't. l can't. Wait, my dear. lt's hard to give chase, what with the horrific and debilitating rickets that affected ocean- bound travelers of that time! You know what? lf you're not gonna take this serious, then we're not gonna do it. [ normal voice ] What?! You said be realistic! Sir, the whole boat is rigged to explode. And l found this. Greetings from the Joker! Why so serious? Anyway, we have a boat of civilians and a boat of prison inmates. l will blow up both boats at midnight! Oh, my God! However, each boat has a detonator that will blow up the opposite boat. lf one boat decides to blow up the other boat prior to midnight, l will not blow up the boat that blows up the other boat. lt's quite the moral quandary, is it not? T-then let's vote on neither boat blowing up. No, he says we decide! Then l decide neither boat blows up! Wait, wait. So we vote? No, we -- we just press the button, l think. l don't understand! What does this prove exactly? Uh, Mr. Joker, sir? We came to a consensus. We vote that neither boat should blow up. Yeah! Very good. That's my vote. That's not a choice! Uh, you better explain it again, then, l guess. [ sighs ] l will blow up both the boats. My God! Unless -- unless one boat blows up the other boat first. Uh, w-what are the other options? There are no other options. Ask him when both boats blow up. Midnight! Midnight! Midnight! All right, folks, that gives us a good Everyone into the lifeboats. No! No lifeboats! l said that you couldn't use them! You never said that! l did! Way back in the beginning! You'd better go over the rules again. Oh, for -- it's a catch-22! Look, there are two boats! At midnight -- Good day, sir. And good day to you. Yes. Let's begin. BOTH: Ha! [ birds' wings flapping ] Uuh Hmm Oh. Oh. [ both muttering ] BOTH: Ha! Damn it! [ both muttering ] The mechanism. BOTH: Ha! [ grunts ] [ grunts ] [ panting ] [ clears throat ] Well, uh Good effort, sir. Well done. Well done. [ laughs ] Nobody can stop me! l'm gonna kill you all! Won't anyone save us?! [ gasps ] Dr. Manhattan! [ electricity crackling ] [ zap! ] You are safe now. Mm! Thanks! [ laughs ] Ooh. Yeah. Safe now. [ clears throat ] Hello?! Teendream94? You here? Why don't you have a seat, Mr. Goldschmidt? What -- Who are you? Chris Hansen, ''Dateline NBC. '' Oh. Well, good for you. Where's Teendream94? There is no Teendream94. lt was a sting operation. What the hell? Are you serious?! l took a day off of work for this! And l blew, like, half a tank of gas driving over here! You idiots better reimburse me! What? Y-you must be joking. l'm a lawyer, pal! l'm suing you for fraud! By the time l'm done, l'm gonna own NBC Universal! ln the case of Goldschmidt vs. Hansen, NBC news, and NBC Universal, jury finds in favor of the predator. What?! [ horn honks ] [ tires screech ] Hey, Hansen! Like the new ride? That's my Escalade! Hi, dad! Bobby?! What are you doing in there? Just giving your teenage son a lift to soccer practice. We'll probably take the long way home. Don't wait up! [ tires screech ] [ screams ] As you know, l'm now majority shareholder of NBC Universal. That means a change in philosophy. Let's see some predator-friendly programming. On Friday Night Lights, we're gonna be spending a lot more time in the locker room. A lot more time! l've got four words for you, Mr. Goldschmidt -- Sweaty Teen. Boy Olympics. - Law & Order: Special Victims Unit will now be more of a comedy. [ buzz ] Sorry, l'm needed in the intern harem. Let's reconvene in 30. l really don't like working here anymore. l do! l'm the executive who secretly knocked up Jamie Lynn. Best job ever! [ toilet flushes ] Hey. Here we go. Bad news, fellow adventurers. Barry has bailed. But Barry is our Dungeon Master! What could be more important?! He said he has a date. [ laughs ] As if! l mean, who would date Barry?! Back to ''A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila. '' Choose me, Tila. Choose me! Choose me! Choose me! Choose me! Choose me! This is my big chance. Luckily l have been saving an adventure -- A masterpiece months in the design and planning -- for just such an occasion! [ gasps ] Awesome! Here goes. You find yourselves in a dark, mysterious dungeon! Oh, real original. Let me guess. There's also a dragon in there? Uh! Uh, of course not! No, that's ridiculous! A dragon? What l meant to say is you find yourselves in a dark, mysterious, uh, mega dungeon! What?! No way! For this adventure, l select my Elven Spellthief. Wait! My elven bodybuilder Spellthief! l choose my goblin fashion model. She has a recording contract and a recurring role in a goblin prime-time drama. Are those boobs real or an elaborate illusion spell? To find out, l roll for grope! Ooh, 1 1, a very sexy number. [ laughs ] l cast testicular rupture! Ohh! Fire crotch! You are attacked by a grue! [ grue roars ] l fire an arrow! Arrows are no good against his leathery hide! No! No! Yeah, baby! lntroducing King Kickass! Everyone who plays this queer game has two vaginas Yeah Three, two, one, awesome! [ zap! ] Get out of here, Munson! Your elf appears to have popped a boner when he witnessed the abs of King Kickass! He did not! You don't even know how to play! Actually, his character sheet appears to be in order. Um, well, we do need another player. Ugh! [ panting ] Fine! You now enter the inner sanctum! Your goal is finally in sight -- a treasure chest! Pbht, predictable. However, the treasure chest is guarded by an Owlbear! lt commands an army of Monkeybees! Hmm, shaking the dust off a few relics, l see. Sorry, Dungeon Master, but those ridiculous beasts can't match up to a team of, uh uh -- [ owlbear roaring ] Where did Stacey and Munson go?! Munson said something about banging fingers in your parents' bedroom. Shall we watch Tila Tequila? Yes. Want to borrow a sock? Yes. Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-gawk! Bawk.