Cop Tricks

Previously on "Wrecked"...

Danny, get away from me.

I'm not gonna leave you. You're my friend.

I am not your friend! We are just stuck here together!

Did you eat someone out there?

I was just trying to survive.

No one can ever know about this. They'll think you're a monster.

You just can't stand the idea of me being in charge.

In charge of what? You're playing make-believe here.

Steve's gone insane.

I know.

You have to get me off this island.

What do I do?

What about Owen's boat?

Emma!

What?

Oh, my God. There she is! Emma!

I'll be fine! Go back!

I'm sorry!

I got to go back for Danny.

I'm going with you.

Let's go save this island.

Karen: Look! They're getting away!

[Groans] Holy sh1t!

Oh, my God!

The son of a bitch shot me!

[Screaming]

No one else leaves my island!

Do you hear me?!

No one!!

Todd! Todd!

Step back!

Todd!

What are you doing?

I'm protecting our new life here!

Don't you see?

This is it!

It's never gonna get better than this!

There's nothing for us out there!

We're home!

[Panting] Guys!

I heard a commotion!

I wanted to make sure everyone was okay.

Oh, my God, I'm out of breath. Hoo!

Whoo, running in the sand really got me there.

I'm sorry.

Listen, I know I said I wasn't gonna come back, and yet, here's Danny, right?

I am so sorry, everyone.

Oh, Steve has my gun.

[Dramatic music plays]

Danny.

Really good to see you, Steve. How are things?

♪ ♪

Please don't shoot me.

People of the island, before us swings a traitor.

Any last words?

Owen was right about you.

You're a monster.

You're a piece of sh1t!

There are two types of people in this world...

People who are good, and...

You know what? Forget it. Last-word privileges revoked.

This is bullshit!

Guys, we don't have to take this from him.

We can fight back.

Danny's right!

Steve should go in the pit.

Careful, Jess.

You shot Todd.

You shoot someone, you go into the pit.

Those were your rules, Steve.

Grab him!

S-Seriously, guys? No one?

[Mockingly] Grab me!

[Laughs]

Come on, guys! Oh, come on!

Yeah, okay, real big men listening to the dick with the gun!

God!

Get off of me!

Jess, you're next.

You can't do this, Steve!

Chet, Chet, help me!

Help me, Chet!

I know you can hear me, you stupid hippie!

You know what? Grab him, too.

Wait, what? I didn't do anything.

You're weird.

But... I can't go in the pit, man.

I don't... I don't... I don't care anything about her!

What?!

You want me to throw her in the pit for you?

Chet!

I'll throw her in the pit right now, Steve!

Are you insane?

Grab him.

You're gonna have to catch me first, man.

Oh! They caught me!

Oh, they caught me so fast!

Steve!

Steve!

[Voice breaking] Please don't throw me into the pit!

Please don't throw me into the pit!

♪ ♪

I thought of the actor's name.

It's Billy Zane. It was Billy Zane, guys.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Billy goddamn Zane.

♪ ♪

Should we meeting out in the open like this?

I mean, we can't be too careful these days.

It's fine.

We're all just guarding the pit.

Yeah. Who would even be watching us?

Owen: What happened here?

I swear to God, I'm gonna throttle that ginger.

[Grunts] Oh, God! Oh, my abs.

[Groans]

You guys, I just saw the pit!

He's got like a dozen people down there.

He's lost his goddamn mind.

Is Danny in there?

And Jess?

This is so messed up.

So what are we gonna do?

We need to make these people see the reality of the situation, okay?

This is our home now.

And why would we want to go back anyway, right?

I mean, Karen, you're Vice President of the island!

I would die for you, Steve.

That's what I'm talking about!

And, Pack, you certainly can't go back.

You know, 'cause... Block your ears, Karen.

You ate a guy!

Hey, I know Steve!

Come on, you don't have to say it out loud!

So what? She can't hear me.

Look, watch this. Karen.

Karen. Karen.

Karen!

Karen.

Karen!

Karen.

Huh.

See?

All I'm saying is if you go back home, you're gonna be treated like a freak.

I can't go back.

Exactly!

Thank you!

Guys, we need to make sure these people realize the truth.

We're here for good.

Kurt Turdhole: We're saved!

There's a ship!

♪ ♪

[Laughing] It's a ship!

We're saved!

We're saved!

We're saved! [Chuckles]

[Chatter]

Did Turdhole just say there's a ship?

Mother of God.

It's a ship.

[Cheering]

Kurt Turdhole: Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God! It's a ship!

We're saved!

We're saved!

Steve, what should we do?

Sh-Should we get the flare gun?

No. We're not signaling that ship.

What? But... why?

I-It's getting away.

Don't get any ideas.

We're not leaving the island.

♪ ♪

What are you talking about?

Turdhole, we're not leaving!

Yes.

Yes, we are.

I have been pushed around too much on this island.

I'm sick of living in fear.

We have to do what's right, Steve.

We are signaling that sh...

[Gunshot]

[Gasping]

Now, where was I?

Oh, that's right.

We're not leaving the island!

Oh, my God. Did he just kill Turdhole?!

All right. We got to signal the ship.

We got to start a fire.

No, no, no, no! He's lost his damn mind!

If he sees the smoke, he might kill someone else!

Owen, what do we do?

Pack, go and destroy the flare gun.

Karen and I will wait here and make sure no one does anything stupid.

♪ ♪

Steve: Pack!

Ahh!

The flare gun!

Yeah.

sh1t!

Stop looking at me!

♪ ♪

Okay, I'm gonna go after Pack and get that flare gun.

You guys help the others.

All right.

Okay.

It's time to drop the hammer on these idiots.

Let's do th...

[Gurgling]

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm... I'm fine.

You're bleeding!

Ah, it's nothing.

Look at your love handles.

It's getting crazy infected.

You mean my ab?

Oh, my God.

Uh, no, it's good. It's good.

Oh, my God.

All right. I got to go save Jess.

No. Todd, stop, okay?

You're gonna get yourself killed.

You got to save Jess, all right?

Promise me.

I promise.

No one deserves to be thrown in a pit.

Damn! Goose bumpers!

Right?

Yeah, that sounded hardcore.

Unh!

Okay. I'm gonna go.

Roger? Roger?

You got to let us out of here, man.

You're not going anywhere unless Steve says.

Roger, the boat is right out there, okay?!

Don't you want to go home on that boat?!

Look at me. Look at my face!

I can't go back to the real world looking like this.

Come on, man. Your face... Your face is fine.

It doesn't look like... Like sausage.

Don't push me.

I killed a man outside Tallahassee. I'll do it again.

[Florence grunts]

[Groans]

Oh, God! Oh, what the sh1t?

[Cheering]

Okay.

We got to get you guys the hell out of here. Come on!

Hey, Pack.

Get back!

Whoa! Hey.

What are you doing here?

Hey, man, the boat is leaving, okay?

Come on. Come on, don't you want to go home?

Buddy, you can't go back there.

You'll be known as the guy who ate a dude!

Pack! Pack! Hey. Give me the gun.

I can't. I can't go back!

Oh, my God!

[Grunting]

Oh, God! I just got a whiff of you. Dang.

Okay, now we just need to figure out how to get the gun back from that crazy motherfu...

[Gun cocks]

[Gasps]

Welcome home, Florence.

You can't shoot all of us!

Everybody, run!

Wait! We're running or not?

Okay!

♪ ♪

[Gunshots]

Well, come on, Karen!

Don't just stand there! Get them!

sh1t, sh1t, sh1t!

♪ ♪

Owen: Don't you want to get rescued, huh?

Owen, I've done things... Unspeakable things.

I'm a monster!

[Laughing] Yeah, you are!

Hey, buddy, listen to me.

Whatever you did, it can't be that bad.

I ate a dude!

Holy sh... wow!

Okay, that's a lot to process.

I got to think about that for a second.

[Exhales sharply]

How'd you kill him?

I didn't kill him.

He was already dead.

I was starving.

Okay, well, that's, you know...

It's whatever.

"Whatever"?

Pack, it's gross that you ate someone, but, um... you're not a monster.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

It's totally normal.

So, people won't think I'm insane like... like Steve said?

I don't think so.

In fact, I think that people like when other people do crazy sh1t to survive, you know?

I think they'll probably make a movie about you.

Right?

Like, "127 Hours"...

"Alive," you know?

"The Revenant."

Who would play me?

[Sighs] Really?

Um... Don Cheadle.

I love Don Don Cheadle.

Yeah.

He's got so much range.

I know. Give me the gun.

No.

♪ ♪

Get out of here.

What are you doing?!

Pack, you can't go home!

And Don Cheadle?

You think the Chead is gonna waste his talent on you?!

[Dramatic music plays]

Goodbye, Jerry.

No! No! No!

[Fire blazes]

No! No!

What are you doing, Pack?!

No! [Screams]

But I would watch you burn for 100 years if I could.

[Music stops]

I hate you, Jerry! [Sobs]

Okay, well, thanks so much for the, uh, yeah.

[Music continues]

Jerry: No!

I'm gonna get rescued, and I'm gonna go back!

No!

And they're gonna write a book about me, and it's gonna be a bestseller.

Someone's gonna ghostwrite the sh1t out of that book!

No! [Groans]

And Don Cheadle's gonna do the movie 'cause the money's right, and he's gonna win an Oscar.

If you think Don Cheadle's gonna play you, you are living in the house of lies!

You're done!

No! [Sobs]

You're not even a fun ghost!

You suck, you ghost piece of sh1t.

Ow!!

Why fire?! Why fire?!

Why couldn't you just let me fade away like "Field of Dreams"?

[Sobbing]

You sick [bleep]

[Panting]

♪ ♪

I think we lost them.

Karen: Che-e-e-e-t.

[Gasps]

[Gasps]

That's Karen!

Je-e-e-e-ss!

♪ ♪

Maybe she's gone.

[Leaves rustling]

[Screams]

Oh, God! No!

The ship's getting farther away!

Shut up! No one move!

Hey, Steve.

Owen. Owen, you came back!

You bet I did, buddy.

The ship's leaving. You're too late, Owen.

Am I?

He's got the flare gun!

[Cheering]

It's over, Steve.

Once I fire this, we're saved.

Oh, God! Ahh!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You shoot the flare gun, and I'll blow his giant head off.

Hey, hey! Let's... Let's relax, Steve.

You relax, Steve!

I'm already relaxed!

I'm very relaxed!

I'm on a holiday, goddamn it!

Well, well, well.

Looky what we have here...

The Powerpuff Girl and her crunchy boy-toy.

It's time to drag you back to camp.

Karen, please don't kill me!

Please, I'm sorry!

Don't kill me!

[Seagulls squawking]

Do you want me to kill her for you?

I'll kill her right now!

Jesus, Chet!

Please!

Karen, why are you doing this?

Why? Respect.

My whole life, people have laughed at me, but here... Here...

I'm finally a Vice President... A VP!

Todd: Hey, dragon bitch!

You want to dance?

Todd.

Todd! You're alive!

You came back for me!

I'm here to say I'm sorry.

I was a dick.

Really?

Yeah.

Also... this boar-snatching bee-otch is about to get a big, old, fat knuckle sandwich, courtesy of "Streaks."

Whoo! Finally!

I was beginning to think this was a dickless island.

Oh, no, honey.

This island's got some wee-wee, all right.

Yeah!

Todd, your stomach!

Six-pack. I'm fine.

Ugh. You look like sh1t.

So why don't we make this interesting, huh?

Whoa.

Wow.

Holy moly.

A fair fight, mano a mano.

You're not gonna distract me with your surprisingly supple breasts.

Why don't you take a photo?

It'll last longer!

[Screams]

[Groans]

Put a shirt on, weirdo!

[Grunting, groaning]

See, that's the problem.

Why is it weird 'cause I'm topless, huh?

[Groans]

The glass ceiling is made out of bra straps and nylon!

No! It's not!

It's made out of glass.

[Groans]

Yeah, babe!

Whoo!

[Groans]

That one was for meat!

Ow! Ow!

I felt a little twinge in the girls.

[Panting] Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

I think that's a lump!

Huh?

Is that a lump?

Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus, I'm so sorry. I mean, there's a lot...

Oh, my God.

Ahh!!

That's my dick!

Oh, no! Not the dick!

[Groans]

That's what's called using your feminine wiles, you pussy!

[Groans]

[Grunts]

Ohh!

Ohh!

[Groans]

[Screams]

Son of a bitch!

I'm gonna gut you like your pig!

[Groans]

Get your finger out of my wound!

[Screams] Ow!

My titties! Ahh!!

Put it back in!

Chet, we have to do something!

We can't! I'm a pacifist!

[Todd grunting, sobbing]

No way.

♪ ♪

The pit can't save you now, Todd.

It's just you, me, and the jungle!

[Groans]

Hey, Karen!

[Panting]

No frickin' way.

My driver!

I knew it was out here!

Todd!

You came back for me.

I thought you died.

They can't kill me.

[Driver thuds]

I love you, you little Asian plum.

I love you.

Mm.

Put down the flare gun, Owen.

Come on. Do it for your lover.

Owen, it's okay.

Fire it, man.

If he kills me, so be it.

I'll do it!

♪ ♪

I've already killed Turdhole today.

Don't make me kill again.

Owen, just shoot it.

No, Danny, I can't just...

Owen, it's okay. Get off the island.

Don't let him hold us hostage.

♪ ♪

"Always shoot your hostage?"

Always shoot the hostage.

That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

What if you kill the hostage?

Sometimes, you got to role the dice.

♪ ♪

[Screaming]

Oh!

Ohh! Freeze! You're under arrest!

[Groans]

[Laughing] Yeah!

Oh, dude, you shot me!

Yeah.

Oh, you shot... You shot the hostage!

Yeah, like you said.

[Laughs] How'd you know it was gonna work?

I just rolled the dice.

'Cause that's what I said to you in the jungle!

It was a callback!

Aah! It was a great callback!

Oh, thanks, man!

[Groans]

Listen, man, I just want you to know I was wrong about everything.

[Groans]

Okay? You were right.

Okay. [Groans]

Yeah.

I didn't know how to let you in.

Well, you're here now.

I love you, bro.

I love you, bro.

Yeah.

All right, help me get up.

Yeah.

[Screams]

God! Ahh! Oh, that still burns!

Well, you got shot in the leg with a flare gun. That's gonna hurt.

[Triumphant music plays]

Guys, I'm sorry!

I stuffed up, okay?

[Sobs]

[Cheering]

Man: Come on!

[Cheering continues]

Hello!

Hey, we're just a couple of simple South Asian fishermen.

Are you guys the survivors of Lotus Airlines Flight 816?

You bet your ass we are!

[Cheering]

Oh, wow!

That is great, great news!

We've been looking for you guys for a few days.

You have?

Yes, yes! Well, see...

Well, the truth is we're not actually fisherme...

We're pirates, mother[bleep]

[Screaming]

[Imitates gunfire]

Mother[bleep] [Bleep] mother[bleep]

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What... What are you doing right now?

What?

Are you serious right now?

What... What did we talk about? How many times do we have to talk about this rule?

When you do that...

Come on!

No, when you go dick swinging, you invite panic!

Come...

Okay... no! You get people all riled up, and then that's when we make mistakes!

Look, man, I didn't get into the pirate game to be pussyfooting around!

What are you talking... What pu-pussyfooting?

Hey!

What is happening right now?

We... Well, uh... Was it not obvious?

We're here to... Oh, we're here to kidnap you guys.

[Screaming]

Well, at least... Well, just one of you.

Which one of you guys is Danny Wallace?

Danny, Danny Wallace?

There he is.

I see you, dawg!

[Both laughing]

Look at that, richest boy in the world slumming it on some deserted island.

What?

Oh, sh1t.

You don't know who this is?

His family's worth billions!

Ooh, yeah. Hey, when your plane went down, this guy's face was on every TV screen in the world!

And we gonna hold you for a fatass ransom!

Whoo!

[Gunfire]

I am so jazzed! I'm Miles Davis-ing this mother[bleep]

All right, I'm bringing it down just so you know Danny, seriously, you need to come with us, or we're gonna shoot all your friends otherwise.

We're gonna kill everybody.

[The Jam's "Town Called Malice" plays]

♪ Better stop dreaming of the quiet life ♪ ♪ 'Cause it's one we'll never know ♪ ♪ And quit running for that runaway bus ♪ ♪ 'Cause those rosy days are few ♪ ♪ And stop apologizing for the things you never done ♪ ♪ Time is short and life is cruel ♪ ♪ But it's up to us to change ♪