The Septum Deviation

Sheldon: Me. Amy: Come on. He’s an under-appreciated genius. Sheldon: Still thinks it’s me. Amy: It’s not you. Now think, there’s a car named after him. Sheldon: Of course there is. It’s the Mini-Cooper ‘cause it’s me. Amy: How about this; he’s a poor man’s Sheldon Cooper. Sheldon: Oh, Tesla.
 * Amy: This is an easy one. You love this guy.

Penny: Yeah, I watched. It was like the scary boat tunnel in Willy Wonka.
 * Leonard: The doctor shoved a camera up into my sinuses.


 * Penny: Come on, smile. This is gonna be my Christmas Card.
 * (cuts to Leonard and Sheldon in their robes with their noses bandaged, Penny's camera flashes)
 * Sheldon: (nasally) You know this is all your fault
 * Leonard: (nasally) How is it my fault?
 * Sheldon: I told you not to get the surgery.
 * Leonard: Okay, first of all, the surgery was a success. Secondly, I didn't even want you there.
 * Sheldon: Wow, I don't know which hurts worse, my nose or my heart. I'm done speaking to you.
 * Amy: Don't be like that. You two need to talk this out.
 * Penny: (smiling) Yeah, 'cause you sound really funny. (chuckles)
 * Leonard: Sheldon, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the surgery, but you were worried about nothing.
 * Sheldon: Oh, you're hardly out of the woods. No, you still run the risk of infection, a blood clot, the possibility that an inattentive surgeon let barn spider lay eggs in your nose. The minute you sneeze web I'm moving out.
 * Leonard: I never thought I'd say these words, but come on, nose spider!

Leonard: It sounds like either way I get some rest.
 * Sheldon: If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery…the snoring is gone.


 * (The scene at Raj's office at Caltech)
 * Howard: Knock, knock.
 * Bernadette: Hi.
 * Raj: Hey. What brings you by?
 * Bernadette: Oh, muffin much.
 * Howard: Told you, not funny.
 * Bernadette: He’s just not laughing because he’s feeling blueberry. (pause) Tough crowd.
 * Raj: I’m sorry. This is very sweet. Thanks.
 * Howard: So, how you doing?
 * Raj: Better. I guess the news just hit me a lot harder than I expected.
 * Bernadette: Well, of course. I would be devastated if my parents split up.
 * Howard: Why? Your father barely speaks to your mother.
 * Bernadette: Well, at least he stuck around, not like your dad, who just took off.
 * Howard: As you can see, we’re here to cheer you up.
 * Bernadette: Sorry, Raj. Do you have any sense of what happened with your folks?
 * Raj: I think, over time, they started to resent each other, and instead of talking about the things that bothered them, they kept it bottled up, and the hate just grew.
 * Bernadette: It’s a shame they spent all that time unhappy. But sometimes, there’s muffin you can do about it.
 * (Raj remains quiet and Bernadette yells at Raj crossly)
 * Bernadette (she is now very cross) You get it, right?
 * (She now looks at Howard for a second)


 * Leonard: Buddy, I get that you’re worried about me and I appreciate it, but I’m not going to die.

Leonard: I do know that it won’t be from an asteroid strike. Sheldon: You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.
 * Sheldon: You don’t know that.

Raj: I’m okay. Howard: You don’t look okay. Raj: (upset) How can I be okay? I come from a broken home!
 * Howard: You sure you’re okay?

Amy: I’m odd all the time. Everybody knows that. Just last night, I tried to see how many fava beans I could fit in my mouth. Sheldon: Tell me the truth. Amy: 28. Sheldon: Come on. Amy: 56.
 * Sheldon: You’re acting odd. Why?

Amy: Just go to work. He’ll be fine. Sheldon: Amy. He’s my best friend and if you don’t take me I’m going there anyway. Amy: Fine. It’s sweet that you care about him so much. Sheldon: I do. And I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something happened to him and I wasn't at his bedside to say, “I told you so.”
 * Sheldon: Take me to Leonard.

Penny: We had a really nice swim. Sheldon: Oh stop it. Sheldon: I assume this medical center has already treated the burns on your bottom from the recent pants fire. Penny: ‘Cause I’m a liar, liar? Sheldon: That’s for the fire marshal to determine. Penny: You had to tell him? Amy: He wore me down. And I was distracted. He has on extra baby powder today. Sheldon: Is he okay? Penny: No he's still in surgery. Sheldon: Very well. Penny: He's gonna be alright. That is sticky. Amy: C'mon, let's talk about something other than the surgery. Sheldon: That's a good idea. Penny, did you and Leonard ever discuss funeral arrangements? Penny: I think she meant something a little happier. Sheldon: I suppose we could try to make it a celebration. But he died so young.
 * Sheldon: Hello.

Penny: Okay, the reason he deceived you is you were being a pain in the ass. Sheldon: Well, the reason I was being a pain in the ”B” is because I was worried about him and no one else was. Penny: Really? You won’t even say “A”? Sheldon: You bet your sweet “B” I won’t. Penny: Obviously I care about Leonard. I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with him. Sheldon: And I’m not? (gasps). It’s an earthquake. I knew it. Penny: Sheldon. It was just a little tremor. Sheldon: A little tremor that turns routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy.
 * Sheldon: Well. I’m not making any promises. Not only did Leonard take what I feel an unnecessary risk, he deceived me.


 * (The scene of Howard and Bernadette having a pasta dinner together in their apartment)
 * Bernadette: Can I tell you something? This whole thing with Raj’s parents just got me a little worried about us.
 * Howard: What are you talking about? We’re fine. And Raj’s parents probably split up because of Raj.
 * Bernadette: What?
 * Howard: They always say the children aren’t to blame, but, (Holds up Raj's coaster) come on.
 * Bernadette: (crossly) I’m not joking, Howie. You heard what he said about his parents. It was the little things they kept bottled up. I don’t want that to happen to us.
 * Howard: (worried) How can I convince you it won’t?
 * Bernadette: Well, is there anything about me you’re keeping inside?
 * Howard: I’m not answering that. It’s a trap.
 * Bernadette: So there are things you don’t like.
 * Howard: And here I am in the trap. You just keep talking. I’m gonna chew my leg off.
 * Bernadette: Just tell me one thing that bothers you, and I promise I won’t get mad.
 * Howard: Okay. The truth is, sometimes, you’re too beautiful.
 * (Howard shakes his head angrily for one second)
 * Bernadette: (she is now very cross) Oh. Howie, be serious.
 * Howard: Okay, okay. I really don’t like how your wings poke me when we sleep ’cause you’re an angel.
 * Bernadette: Okay, fine, maybe it was a bad idea.
 * Howard: I just don’t think the secret to a happy marriage is going out of our way to criticize each other. Although, there are ways to improve our communication. One thing I learned when I was in couples therapy was…
 * Bernadette: Who were you in couples therapy with?
 * Howard: Not important.
 * Bernadette: Was it your mom?
 * Howard: Not important.
 * Bernadette: It was your mom.
 * Howard: Anyway, the therapist had us tell each other what we loved about one another.
 * Bernadette: Oh, that’s so sweet. I want to do that.
 * Howard: All right.
 * Bernadette: Okay, um, I love that you make me laugh.
 * Howard: Thank you. And I love that you’re strong and independent.
 * Bernadette: And yet, I still love when you hold a door for me.
 * Howard: I love that I’m kind of a slob around here, and you’re okay with that.
 * Bernadette: Uh-huh. And I love that I work and do all the cleaning, and you’re okay with that.
 * Howard: See, I am. Isn’t this great?

Leonard’s urn engraving: “Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his roommate knew better.” Sheldon’s urn engraving: “I’m with stupid.”


 * Bernadette: I love that you take pride in your looks, even when I have to pee in the morning, and you’re in there spending an hour on your hair.
 * Howard: I love that you’re too good to pee in the kitchen sink.
 * Bernadette: (she is now very cross) I love that you have the confidence to speak, even without giving it an ounce of thought.
 * Howard: And I love how your hair is always on the soap. It’s like washing myself with a hamster.
 * (Bernadette now gives her husband a hard glare just as the door knocks and Raj enters the room of the Howardette apartment).
 * Raj: Hey, guys. Sorry I am so late. I was on the phone with my mother.
 * Bernadette: (worried) Oh, how is she?
 * Raj: Pretty good. She bought the book Eat, Pray, Love and used it to set my father’s Mercedes on fire. So, what’s up with you guys?
 * Howard: We’re just saying all the things we love about each other.
 * Raj: Oh, like you and I did at couples therapy.
 * (Howard looks a Raj for a second, Bernadette now sips her wine crossly and Raj helps himself to a piece of bread)