Stop Arguing and Start Thanking

(Adult Adam) Ah, there was nothing quite like Thanksgiving in the Goldberg house.

My mom gave it her heart and soul, and all she wanted in return was for her family to sit around the table and give thanks... to her.

Okay, Turkey's been basted, and the yams are marshmallowed.

My job is done.

Maybe it's time for you to do your jobs and spend the next few hours thinking about the thing or person that you're most thankful for.

Bon Jovi's ass.

Darryl Dawkins.

Harrison Ford. He's Indiana Jones, Han Solo, and... little-known fact... he's a trained carpenter.

He can make us a gazebo.

Everyone out. Go get dressed and think about your answers while I'm here slaving away.

And he was under-appreciated in "Blade Runner."

Harrison Ford sucks.

"Under-appreciated," you say?

That does suck.

Which none of us should be saying.

That's a terrible word.

But instead of going upstairs to change...

(Both shouting) Ball-ball!

We went downstairs... to play the greatest sport of all time.

Like all bored siblings, my brother and I invented a ton of different games...

(Both) Battle-ball!- (Adam grunts)

But this was our favorite. It was called...

Ball-ball! Yes!

That was on a breakaway, so it's 6 points plus a bonus round! (Panting)

Like every game I played with my big brother, I had never once won.

It was so bad, the ball-ball trophy was even named after him.

And the coveted Barry Cup once again goes to...

Barry...

Norman...

Goldberg!

Hey, hey! Knock it off.

Enough with the ball-ball.

Your mother told you to get dressed.

She told you, too.

I'm one move away. You're four!

Now move it!

I'm not gonna have you ruin your mother's Thanksgiving.

But it wasn't us that always ruined Thanksgiving.

No, that title went to my Uncle Marvin.

But, seriously, why do we have to invite him every year?

'Cause Marvin's your brother and the only family you've got?

No. I've got you, I got what's-her-name, I got the two morons in the basement. I'm good.

Look, every year you two fight, and Marvin ends up storming out before we even sit down.

For once, can't you just take all the negative feelings and spin them into a positive?

How?!

He's never even had a job.

Positive spin... he's a free spirit.

You can't put a price on that.

Oh. How's 900 bucks for starters?

That's how much I paid for his bar-tending school, and he flunked out. Who does that?

I'll tell you who. Tom Cruise in the movie "Cocktail."

And you know how that ended for him.

Well, actually, I never saw that movie, but I assume he won over the whole city with his fancy drinks.

Fine! When he gets here, I will try and be nice to him.

You know what, hon?

With a new positive attitude, I think Marvin's really gonna surprise you.

(Engine rumbling, horn honks)

Delorean!

Surprise.

What's up, mur?

It was Thanksgiving day, 1980-something, and I had finally discovered I had something to talk about with my Uncle.

Does it have a flux capacitor?

(Laughing)

Does it run on 1.21 gigawatts?

Have you been chased by terrorists?

No, but I have been chased by the ladies...

(Singsong) 'cause it's a ass magnet!

Okay, enough questions. Um, Marv, can I get you something to drink?

(Normal voice) Uh, no. Can I get you something to drink?

It's not every day you got a semiprofessional bartender Ohh! Hey! Cocktail! Hey!

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Ho! Marv-o! Lookin' good!

Right back at you.

What's your poison, Al?

I'll take a gin and tonic.

(Imitates buzzer) Too hard. Pass.

Say wine or Blue Hawaiian.

I really don't want either one of those.

All right, wine it is. Who's next?

Mur, what can I do you for?

I'd like to know how you paid for that thing in the driveway.

Murray.

What?! I'm being positive.

I just want to know about my brother.

Uh, uh, no, no, no. No, no, it's a perfectly fair question, given our history.

You guys aren't gonna believe me, but I but I actually got a job.

Yeah, like those time-shares in Sweden that you were selling.

Or like that alpaca farm I invested in. How did I do?

Not good. They got sick, they hurt some kids.

Sad stuff.

Anyways, I got a regular old job.

I wear a suit. I work 9:00 to 5:00, just like my big bro here.

Speaking of which...

I want to pay you back. A little bit.

For some of the money that I owe you.

There's like $2,000 in here.

Yeah, it's a drop in the bucket, uh, but it's a start.

(Envelope slaps on counter) Come here. Come here.

For the first time...

Come here.

My dad felt something for Marvin he'd never felt before... pride.

(Marvin laughing) Oh!

It's happening! (Laughs)

(Laughing)

Oh. Hey, let's all sit at the table and give thanks.

Right now, before it gets too late.

Unh-unh-unh-unh.

I have been waiting all month to give this guy a ride in my car.

Mur, what do you say?

Let's ride.

Mur-man!

("Sister Christian" by Night Ranger playing)

(Doors hiss)

(Engine roars)

♪

(With stereo) ♪ motorin'

♪ what's your price for flight? ♪ ♪ Watchin' "price is right" ♪ ♪ in finding Mr. Right ♪ ♪ you'll be all right tonight ♪

(Turns off stereo) I do not understand that song.

(Laughs) Look at us.

Cruisin' around Jenkintown like back in the day.

Look at us, huh?

And it's all thanks to lotions of the oceans.

Lotions of the what?

It's my new job.

I'm a lotioneer.

(Chuckles) I sell these facial creams and body butters, and they're infused with this real sea salt.

Beautiful thing, Mur... take a dab of this stuff, you put it on your face, and your skin becomes so smooth and soft.

Well, whatever it is, good for you.

Well, could be good for you.

Just a little cash investment, you get in on the ground floor of this killer business.

(Groans)

What?

Just this time you made it sound like it was gonna be different.

It is different.

Marvin, I so want to support you, but you make it so hard.

You don't believe me.

Fine. Touch my face.

(Scoffs) What?

Stop being so judgy for five seconds, and touch my face, and then you will understand how smooth and delightful my skin is. Touch it.

I don't want to touch your face.

Touch my face!

I don't even touch my wife's face.

Touch my face!

It's like I'm all man, except for this one tiny spot.

I'm not touching your face.

It's like a little baby's earlobe!

You're out of your mind.

That's it! Pull over!

What?

Remove yourself from the cockpit of my car!

My dad wasn't the only one spending quality time with his brother.

Battle-ball! Ah! Battle-ball! (Grunts)

(Panting)

Yes! Yes!

That's a left-handed goal! 2 points for me, and Barry wins again!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You didn't call "ball-ball."

Yes, I did.

No, you didn't.

I was sitting right here.

That's minus 2 points, plus a penalty shot. Line up.

Whatever. Like it matters.

I didn't realize it at that moment, but as Barry covered his groin with a throw pillow, our entire power dynamic was about to shift.

Head-shot! 5 points!

Nuh-unh! Didn't hit my head.

Uh... yes, it did. I was just watching.

I just won. I just won!

I just won at ball-ball!

Not true! There's no way you just won!

I'm pretty sure he just won.

There isn't a world where this little, unathletic, lazy-eyed nerd would beat me.

Well, this unathletic, lazy-eyed nerd is now ball-ball champion!

History had been made, and I did what any champion would...

(Kisses)

Gloat.

I knew it! I knew you had an angle!

What?

You trapped me in your stainless steel box just to ask me for money!

It's not asking for money! I'm only telling you about the investment opportunity of a lifetime, and it's gonna cost you $2,000.

You just paid me back $2,000!

So you have it!

You have to be the biggest moron of all time.

(Tires rolling) Would a moron drive an awesome car like that?!

Do you have insurance?

Why?! No!

Oh, my God!

No!

No!

You didn't put the parking brake on!

Moron! No! Please! (Shouts indistinctly)

Moron! (Wails) Oh, gosh!

Okay. Uhh! It's just a dent!

It's just a dent.

You're lucky this thing was built in America.

(Grunting)

(Continues grunting)

(Metal creaking)

You bent the frame!

Yep. He bent the frame.

I thought the car looked even more awesome like this.

Hey, pal.

But my Uncle did not agree.

He bent the frame!

What... Really?

Now that my dad and Uncle Marv were getting along, my mom was finally gonna get her thanks.

Okay, they're back!

Or so she thought.

Everyone... let's all sit at the table and say our thanks...

(Door closes)

To whoever that may be.

Bevy, I am so sorry.

I know you wanted this year to be different, but it turns out some things never change!

I'll tell you what's changed.

I'm never coming back here again.

(Murray) You say that every year, but you keep showing up!

Yeah, well, this time I mean it!

I'm gonna call Delorean's 24-hour concierge maintenance line, come fix my car... (Claps hands)

And then I am so out of here!

No! No one's going anywhere!

The turkey's out of the oven. (Picks up phone)

We've never made it this far! (Dials, line rings)

(Beverly sighs)

(Automated beep)

(Woman) The number you have called has been disconnected.

What the hell?

Aren't they out of business?

What are you talking about?

It was all over the news.

The owner... John Delorean... he was arrested for trying to sell two F.B.I. agents cocaine powder.

What are you saying to me?

Seriously, the negativity in this house is unbelievable!

(Motor whirring)

(Knocks on door) Yo! Ad-rock! What's up?

Listen, I've given it a lot of thought, and I've decided to officially acknowledge that you won the Barry Cup.

The Adam Cup.

Sure.

Point is, is I'm being a man and agreeing that you won.

Now you be a man and play me in ball-ball so I can win the trophy back.

Yeah, here's the thing about that...

I retired.

What?

I've basically done all I needed to do on the ball-ball court, and now I'm looking to the future.

You can't retire as champion. It makes you champion forever.

(Inhales sharply) Ooh, I guess it does.

Fine. I'll beat you at something else.

Hockey, basketball, darts, Uno, Clue, Battleship, arm wrestling, thumb wrestling, real wrestling... just play me in something so I can beat you in it!

Are you sure you can beat me?

Or has the power dynamic shifted, and you'll never win anything ever again?

Are you serious right now?

From now on, you're not the big brother anymore.

I am.

I will always be the big brother.

I've grown 2 inches this year. How much have you grown?

I don't have to answer that.

Get your affairs in order, 'cause from now on, I'm the man.

Now... leave me to my robot.

While Barry's anger was heating up, my mom's perfect Thanksgiving was cooling down.

(Whirring) Dude...

(Whirring stops)

I'm so stuffed!

Wait a minute. Where are you coming from?

I just ran over to Lainey's house.

Her mom made the most amazing feast.

I need to lie down.

Well, you better make room in your body, because this Thanksgiving is happening.

(Inhales and exhales deeply)

I gotta be honest with you, Bev.

I'm taking a lot of body blows today.

Whole lot of body blows.

Apparently, in addition to Delorean discontinuing their 24-hour concierge service, now it's impossible for me to buy spare parts, because the company no longer exists!

Really wish someone would have told me that before I bought the car.

Point is, I'm calling a cab. (Flipping pages)

No! No cabs!

I just cut the turkey, Marvin. Come on.

My mom knew her big Thanksgiving thank-you... (Line ringing) was going down the drain, so she decided to use every ounce of manipulation and emotional blackmail in her arsenal to make sure that didn't happen.

She was good cop...

I know you had a lousy father.

And your childhood with Marvin was very complicated.

I get it. I am on your side.

She was bad cop...

I'm getting angry, Marvin.

You won't like me when I'm angry.

She was guilt cop...

I am this close to giving up as a wife, as a mother, and as a human being.

And finally, she was the crooked cop that just plain lied.

You know how prideful Murray is.

He literally just told me he wants to invest in your company, but he doesn't know how to say it.

Marvin wants to just move on and forget he ever mentioned the business to you.

There's no reason to ever bring it up again.

This is the check from Murray. He wants you to have it.

But... he also wants you to never mention it.

Ever.

My mom had worked her magic, and for a few minutes, it was actually like being at a normal Thanksgiving.

(Laughs) So there we were, okay?

Connie Mack stadium.

Sandy Koufax just pitched a no-hitter against our Phillies.

He was unbelievable.

We run down from the nose-bleed seats.

That's all we could afford.

You kids have no idea how good you got it.

Sandy is about to go into the dugout.

Suddenly, he turns around, he looks at us, throws me the ball.

No. He threw me the ball, because I caught it.

(Laughs) He clearly threw it to me, which is why dad made you give me the ball.

Yeah, the greatest pitcher of all time from 8 feet away doesn't know what kid he's throwing to?

Okay. Keeping it positive.

Uh, now's the time in our dinner where we're all going to go around the table and say what or who we're most thankful for.

All right? I'm gonna start.

I'm thankful to be surrounded by my beautiful, loving family. (Chuckles)

Erica?

I can't even talk, I'm so full.

Fine. Barry, go.

I'm thankful for the game hungry hungry hippos, which is set up in the den if anyone wants to play.

I am also thankful for my family, which I'll now list from most to least powerful.

Dad, pops, mom, Erica, me, Uncle Marv, and of course, dead last, Barry.

Why are you putting me last? You can't put me last.

Can't I?

Okay, can we stop arguing and start thanking someone meaningful?

Someone who's done a lot for you?

Well, I'm thankful for a little woman who's always been there for me, not just today, but throughout the years.

Lady luck.

Without her, the cowboys would never have covered the spread.

You guys really want to know what I'm thankful for?

Of course. Come on, don't hold back.

Well, I was told specifically not to mention it...

Oh. Oh, boy. Uh, maybe don't.

Nah, I'm gonna do it.

Or not.

I am thankful for my big brother, who believed in me enough to invest in my cosmetics venture.

I what now?

Marvin, I thought we weren't gonna talk about that.

Whoa. Stop right there. We're investing money in stuff? I'm in.

Oh! I love you guys. (Laughs)

And... and you're gonna love lotions of the oceans.

Real sea salt. Huh? (Taps on table)

Kelp... second ingredient.

I'm gonna go get my samples out of the trunk.

You're gonna love it.

So...

Anyone else like to give thanks?

Okay, this is our brand-new face revujenator.

I think it's rejuvenator.

Uh... I think I know what revujenator is.

I'm the guy selling the stuff.

I feel younger already. We're gonna be rich.

I have the Cup! I'm the champion!

That's not how it works! Give it back!

(Lowered voice) What were you thinking giving Marvin money behind my back?!

I'm sorry. I screwed up. But for a split second, I saw you two getting along, and I know you were happy.

Fine, I was happy!

But that's because I thought he'd grown up and I wouldn't have to take care of him anymore!

Okay! Here you go.

You probably want to clear some space out of your garage, because you're gonna get a delivery of about, uh, 20 cases of this stuff on Monday.

(Normal voice) Why would I want 20 cases of that crap?

Because you invested. Right? That's... that... that's the deal.

You... you peddle the creams, and you recruit more people to expand your sales triangle.

Sales triangle?

Wait. Is this a damn pyramid scheme?

No, no! Th... there's 26 tiers of sales, okay?

The guys at the top, they make the most money, and then it funnels down toward the base of the three-dimensional triangle.

You literally just described a pyramid, you idiot!

I see what it is.

I'm finally doing well for myself, so my brother, of course, thinks it's some kind of a scam!

Murray, stop it! It's Thanksgiving!

It's a pyramid!

My face hurts.

It's burning real bad.

The burning means that it's working.

It's working too much! There's fire on my face!

Okay... just wipe it off. It's Thanksgiving.

Come back here! That's my cup!

Come on, just wipe it off.

(Erica) Ow, ow, ow!

I'm in a great deal of pain now.

You know what?

(Erica) Get it off!

I don't care what you people think. I stand by my product.

Then, uh, why don't you put it on your face?

What are you doing?

You wanted me to touch your face so bad in the car.

You're taking it out of context.

Come on! That was a different situation! Oh, my God!

Get your hand off his face! It's thanks... (Bleep) giving!

No! Oh, my God! Ew! Ew!

(Beverly) Murray!

Oh, my God!

It was a sad sight watching my dad and Uncle fight like children, but even sadder was that Marvin had to ask for a ride home.

(Parking brake sets)

I'm gonna send a flatbed over on Monday, so if it begins to rain, please cover the Delorean with a tarp or something.

How's your eye?

Still a little sting-y.

(Sighs) You're right about me.

I'm a moron.

My car's a bust, I still live in our parents' house, and apparently I'm to stupid to realize that a triangle is the same shape as a pyramid.

I don't know, I just wish that once I could do something that didn't disappoint you, Murray.

What do you care what I think?

Are you serious? You raised me.

I mean, dad wasn't there. You were.

You're the one I look up to.

Well, don't.

I was just doing what I had to do.

Yeah, well, you gave up your childhood for me.

Don't think I forgot that.

I was glad to do it.

No, you weren't.

You're right.

I would have liked to have gone to my prom.

Yeah. I'm sorry I ate that detergent.

It just smelled really good.

(Scoffs)

Look, the point is, it wasn't easy looking after you.

But I don't regret it.

And the only reason I call you a moron...

("Sister Christian" by Night Ranger playing)

Is because I want the best for you.

Really?

Yeah.

♪

(Inhales)

Hold on a second, all right?

Don't go anywhere. I'll... I'll be right back.

Turns out it wasn't the Delorean that forced my dad and his brother to revisit the past.

It was my dad's crappy old station wagon.

♪ Sister Christian ♪

(Door closes)

♪ Oh, the time has come I want you to have that.

The Koufax ball?

(Chuckles) Yeah.

I can't!

Take it. Have a little bit of your childhood back.

Huh? We both know that he was throwing it to you.

♪ Where you going ♪

Get your butt in here.

♪ What you looking for? ♪

Come on. Thanksgiving's not over.

♪ You know those boys don't wanna play ♪

Hey. Can we talk?

No.

♪ It's true ♪

Listen.

After I saw dad and Uncle Marv acting like morons, I thought, maybe I will give you that rematch.

Thought you didn't want to 'cause you're the big brother now.

Oh, come on.

You'll always be my big brother.

♪ Motorin' ♪ ♪ what's your price for flight? ♪

For the first time ever, my mom ended up getting her perfect Thanksgiving.

We even made it to dessert.

Hey. Can I just, uh, say something here?

I think we should give mom a big thanks for working her ass off and bringing us all together.

Whoo! Hear, hear.

(Marvin) Yeah, be.

(Pops) Hear, hear.

That's... That's not why I do it, but thank you very much.

It's nice to be appreciated.

♪ In finding Mr. Right ♪ ♪ you'll be all right ♪

tonight as for me and Barry, a new era of ball-ball had begun, and it was anybody's game.

(Barry) He shoots! He scores!

He wins!

(Adam) Ah! You didn't say "ball-ball."

Damn it!

Okay, look me in the eye.

Are you positive that you want to be a serious, dedicated, professional bartender?

Uh, maybe?

Good.

I dig the fire in your belly. Okay, rule number one... always remember, no one cares what their drink tastes like, as long as it's served with flair and panache.

Huh?

Uh, that doesn't sound right.

It's okay. Follow my lead, okay?

(Hard rock playing)

Ho! Hey! Cocktail! Cocktail!

Hey! Who wants... (Bottle shatters)

What the hell's going on in here?

Nothing. We were just...

Are you drinking?!

No! I was just...

Get your tush upstairs now!

(Beverly) Move it!

(Mouths words)

You're not getting a thing to eat!

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Barry.

He ought to be ashamed of himself!

Just a few minutes. Okay, enough of this.

My shoes are soaking wet.

I don't care!