The Vartabedian Conundrum


 * Sheldon: Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?
 * Leonard: Oh, come on! Sheldon, we don’t ask questions like that.
 * Sheldon: I heard you ask it over and over! How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?
 * Stephanie: He did very nicely.
 * Sheldon: See? She’s not offended. And now you finally have an answer.


 * Penny (entering): Out of coffee. Need coffee.
 * Stephanie: Uh, hello.
 * Penny: Hi! Stephanie, right?
 * Stephanie: Uh-huh. And, and, and you are?
 * Penny: I’m Penny, I live across the hall. I’ve heard a lot about you.
 * Stephanie: Really?
 * Penny: Mm-hmm.
 * Stephanie: I haven’t heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven’t I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear?
 * Leonard: She’s heard about you because we’re, you know, involved and you haven’t heard about her because . . . I never slept with her, I swear!


 * Penny: So, that’s Stephanie, huh?
 * Leonard: Why do I feel like I’m the one that just got the prostate exam?
 * Penny: You know, she seems very nice.
 * Sheldon: Oh, she is. She’s terrific, and she’s proving to be a valuable roommate.
 * Penny: Roommate? You guys are living together?
 * Sheldon: Like hippies.
 * Leonard: We’re not living together.
 * Sheldon: Do I have to pull out the paperwork again?
 * Leonard: We’re not living together.
 * Penny: Are you sure?
 * Leonard: How could I not be sure?
 * Penny: Well, let’s find out.
 * Leonard: Don’t you think if a woman was living with me I’d be the first one to know about it?
 * Penny: Oh, sweetie, you’d be the last one to know about it. (Looking through his wardrobe) Hmm, cute dresses. I bet this looks great on you!
 * Leonard: We’re not living together.
 * Penny: Okay, hmm, scented candles, fuzzy slippers, ooh, floral bed sheets?
 * Leonard: We’re not living together.
 * Penny: Okay, moving on. Now, who are these guys at Disney World?
 * Leonard: Uh, the big dog is Goofy, and the older couple with the mouse ears, I have no idea. We’re not living together!
 * Penny: You’re going to go down swinging, huh? All right, well, we got your body lotion, your InStyle Magazine, your jewelry box.
 * Leonard: We’re not… Where’s my Bat Signal?
 * Penny: You have a Bat Signal?
 * Leonard: I did. It was right here. She must’ve… Oh, my God, we’re living together.
 * Penny: Really? What was your first clue?


 * Howard: You know, if you can’t talk to her, why don’t you just text her?
 * Leonard: Isn’t that kind of cowardly?
 * Howard: Oh, yeah. It’s beyond contemptible.
 * Raj: It’s true, but on the other hand you are wearing a bird sweater.
 * Leonard: Sold. “I think it would be better for our relationship if you moved back to your place.” There. It’s done.
 * Howard: Good for you.
 * Leonard: Yeah, good for me. I’ll never have sex again. (Phone buzzes) I was wrong. See ya.