The Conjurgal Conjecture


 * Wyatt: So, how's the world of pharmaceuticals treating you?
 * Penny: Pretty good. I actually just got assigned a much better territory.
 * Susan: See what happens when you work hard?
 * Randall: Hey, she just sells drugs. I had to make 'em.
 * Susan: (Crossly) Okay, that's enough. No more drug talk for the rest of this trip.
 * Wyatt: (Happily) I'll drink to that!
 * Susan: (Still cross) Haven't you had enough?
 * Wyatt: Penny drinks more than I do.
 * Penny: Well, I learned from the best.
 * Wyatt: Aww.
 * Penny: Aww.
 * (They toast with their bottles)


 * Stuart: Nice to see you again Dr. Hofstadter. I’m uh, Leonard’s friend Stuart.
 * Beverly Hofstadter: Nice to see you, too.
 * Stuart: (to Alfred) Hi, I'm Stuart.
 * Alfred Hofstadter: Oh, I’m Alfred, Leonard’s father.
 * Stuart: Oh. Oh, hi. Uh. I’m sorry. Did you two want to sit together?
 * Together: No.
 * Stuart: I was wondering why the first row was available.
 * Bernadette: Okay, I think we’re ready.
 * Amy: {Playing Wagner’s Bridal Chorus on her harp. Penny enters on her Dad’s arm.}
 * Sheldon: Why do people cry at weddings?
 * Mary Cooper: They’re practicing for what comes later.
 * Susan: Thank you for cleaning yourself up for your sister’s wedding.
 * Randall: And thank you for my new teeth.
 * Wyatt: Welcome to the family, Leonard. Don’t lend your new brother-in-law money.
 * Bernadette: We’re here today to celebrate love.
 * Beverly Hofstadter: (Sigh.)
 * Alfred Hofstadter: Sigh louder. No one heard you.
 * Stuart: Really. I can move.
 * Bernadette: Not just Leonard and Penny’s love, but the love for them as well as each other.
 * Sheldon: Speaking of love. STD’s among the elderly are skyrocketing.
 * Bernadette: Love is patient, but it’s not going to put up with all the side-chatter. So let’s knock it off.
 * Howard: At least she’s yelling at someone else for a change.
 * Bernadette: Howard!
 * Penny: Okay, I understand everyone’s a little tense today, so I’m just gonna get to the important stuff. Leonard standing here with you in front of our family and friends is bringing up a lot of feelings. Like what a good idea it was to elope the first time. But also how incredibly happy you make me. Thank you for marrying me. Hopefully for the last time.
 * Leonard: Penny…as a scientist, my job is to figure out why things happen. But I don’t think I’ll ever understand how someone like me could get to be with someone like you. You know…maybe…I don’t need to understand it, I just need to be grateful. I love you Penny.
 * Penny: Oh.
 * Bernadette: Anybody have anything snarky to say about that? Didn’t think so.
 * Alfred Hofstadter: I’d like to say something. Beverly, I know that we don’t bring out the best in each other. But something wonderful did come out of our relationship: that young man right there.
 * Beverly Hofstadter: I couldn’t agree more.
 * Stuart: That’s beautiful.
 * Bernadette: Thank you. All right, let’s continue.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, excuse me. I need to say something to someone pretty special. I just can’t wait any longer.
 * Amy: It’s happening.
 * Sheldon: Leonard. You and I have had our ups and downs. But I have always considered you my family. Even before the recent threat of our parents fornicating like wrinkly old rabbits. I don’t always show it, but you are of great importance to me. Both of you.
 * Penny: Oh.
 * Leonard: Thank you.
 * Bernadette: Okay. I now pronounce you husband and wife. And the weird other husband that came with the apartment.


 * Beverly: I wanted to thank you for going through all the trouble of planning a second wedding ceremony for me, but unfortunately I cannot attend.
 * Leonard: Well, why? What’s wrong?
 * Sheldon: What—are we still doing the dumb thing? Okay, why, what’s wrong?
 * Beverly: I just cannot stay here while your father goes out of his way to humiliate me.
 * Sheldon: Oh, golly. However did he humiliate you??
 * Beverly: Stop it, Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: Do I say “stop what” or just throw in the towel?
 * Beverly: I don’t see why I should have to watch your father parade around with some Bible-thumping bumpkin.
 * Sheldon: Oh, excuse me; that is my mother you’re talking about, however accurately.
 * Penny: Okay, Beverly, aren’t you overreacting a little? All we know is they shared a cab and had a night cap.
 * Sheldon: And turned their phones off.
 * Leonard: Not helping, buddy. Mother, Penny and I really want you to be part of this. Please stay.
 * Penny: Yeah, plus if you