The Cook, The Steve, The Gayle, & Her Lover

Frond: Louise Belcher. Phillip Frond. So, you're in trouble again. Drink some cranberry juice. What? No. Not urine trouble. You are in trouble! This is the third item you've brought this week that's disrupted school. First, it was the fake eyeball. Aah! (screaming) (screaming) Then it was the piñata. Tator-tot-a-piñata! And now the grabber. This goes over here. Stop it. And this goes over here. Stop it, Louise. And this will be easier over here. Stop it! You have clearly violated the "three gag items and you're out" rule, so I'm going to have to give you... detention. Detention? Sure. Worth it. Now I'll just take my grabber back, and... Ah, ah, ah! Also, there's someone here who wants to talk to you. There is? Yes. (high-pitched Italian accent): Me. Distracts- His-Friendzo-Lorenzo. Oh, no. Why do I disrupt-a everything? Jeez, where do you get these dolls? The Super Weird TherapDoll Outlet? (normal voice): Hey, I made him. I knitted him. (Italian accent): You watch-a your mouth. Okay, well, I'm just going to take my grabber, and I'll see you in detention. No, no, no, no, not-a so fast! (normal voice): You think I'm just going to give this back to you so you can distract more students? Uh-uh, sister. This is going into my satchel. I'm taking it home. What?! Oh, no, it isn't going in your satchel. (Italian accent): Going in-a the satchel. Not going in the satchel. One-way ticket to-a satchel town. No, round-trip ticket back to my hand! (grunting) Hope it had fun. (grunts) And... satcheled! No! Gene, can I practice my Spanish with you? ¿Como estas? Me llamo Tina. Sounds great. You did it. Hey, Louise. You're home late. You get detention? Yes! But that's not the point. Frond took my Abumi-guchi grabber home with him! He stole it! Louise, I told you bringing that grabber to school was a bad idea. Es no bueno. Cheer up, Louise. It's Friday. Let's do shots! Hey, who's got crazy weekend plans? Well, tonight we're having my sister Gayle over for dinner. She's got some new mystery man, (singsongy): and things are getting serious. Wow. Spicy. How long they been dating? This will be their second date. Oh. Yeah. Longest relationship Gayle's ever had. So, uh, that's everyone who's coming. Yup. Nu-uh! Dad's bringing a date, too. His name is Steve, and he's a boy. Gene, hush! Steve? Bob invited Steve? The guy who was in here the other day? Mr. Interesting?! Wow, that's interesting. (muffled grunting) (whistling) (singsongy): I'm very excited about this standing rib roast. Does everything have to be about your wiener?! (quietly): He knows. Bob, he knows. What? So, Bob, Steve? Huh? Steve. Little dinner party? Yes. Yeah. Teddy: Right. Yeah. Well, he's recently divorced and probably looking to meet new people, so I invited him over. Yeah, yeah, I-I'm divorced. Everyone's divorced! Well, also, he's an archeologist. Oh, really? Yeah. Like Indiana Jones. So I'll be friends with Indiana Jones. Man crush. Man crush! It's not a man crush. I think it's nice Dad is making a new friend. Do you, Tina?! Yes. Sorry. What I meant to say is, I currently have no plans tonight. That can't be right. Oh. Well, Teddy, I mean, Steve's bringing his son, so, you know, it's gonna be, like, a boring, family-type thing. Son? What son? How old is he? Here, draw his body type. Go. You know what? I just remembered. I do have plans tonight, with... Charlie from the union. And he's pretty cool, too. That's... good. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I think he's calling right now. Charlie. Teddy. What's that? (laughing) Teddy. Bobby, can you please hold on? I'm sorry. Your phone didn't ring. Dang, I'm on the phone! Right, right, right. Okay. Really? (laughing loudly) Oh. Ugh, these forks are dumb. They look dumb. Why did we buy these? (doorbell rings) Oh, my God, it might be him! Hello! Oh, it's just Gayle, everyone. Okay. So, where's the mystery man? Oh, he's running a little late. He got held up at work. Or maybe he's dead! Oh, God, he's dead! Okay, okay, calm down. (panting) It's just, I've never been on a second date before that the other person knew about. Oh! Why did he say yes? Is he gonna rob me? He's going on a second date 'cause he likes you. Do you like him? I think so. I mean, he checks a lot of my boxes. He's a man, he's got a face, he can go outside. Lock him down! I just wish there was a way I could know for sure that we were meant to be together. Like a sign. A sign? Like what? Oh, you know, the usual. Like if we both got struck by lightning at the same time, or if an eagle landed on his hand and whispered my name. Yeah, that's how you know it's real. (gasps) Or if he made me a gift. Like, Linda, when we were kids, Alfie Constanelli made a portrait of you out of his own hair and toenails. Ew. Yeah. (doorbell rings) I'll get it! Aah! It might be him! Hide me! Wait. Don't hide me. Give me a makeover, quick! Everyone, this is Steve. Hello. I'm Gayle, and I'm on a date! Oh, okay. He'll be here any minute! All-all right. He smells like pencils! Thank you, Gayle. These are my kids Gene, Louise, and Tina. They're okay after you get to know them. Nice to meet all of you. This is my son... Tina: Teenage boy with it going on. Teenage boy with it going on. Zander. Greetings. Huh. You're, um... So, that's you. Hell-o. Chitty chitty bangs bangs. So, uh, Steve, do you want... you want something to drink? Do you want wine? We have wine. I-I bought it. Okay. It was sort of expensive. It is wine. Easy, Bob. Bob. Mm-hmm. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. E... Easy. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Take it down a notch. Take it down a notch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, uh, nice to have you over, Steve! Well, I'm just trying to get back out there and make new friends after the divorce. That's also the title of the book I'm reading. Get Back Out There and Make New Friends After the Divorce. Oh, that sounds good. What's it... about? Never mind. (doorbell rings) (gasps) That's got to be him! Phillip! Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Bob and Linda: Oh, my God. (Louise screaming) Hi, Mr. Frond. Uh... This is the guy, Aunt Gayle? This is the guy?! Wait. You all know each other? Um, Louise, Gene and Tina are students at the school where I counsel. Yeah, you know what? Let me just get the door here. Just... gonna... Uh... Ow! ...close this thing. Hey. Ow, my foot's caught in it. Let go of it! My house! Ow! My home! Okay, I know Mr. Frond isn't exactly our favorite person. Great talk. Now let's kick him out. Dad, get the broom. Hey! We are not gonna ruin this for Gayle! (groaning) She needs this! She is one cat death away from moving in with us! Your mom's right. We can't ruin this for Gayle. Yes! But more importantly, we can't ruin this for me. This dinner party will proceed smoothly! I believe in you, Dad. You're a great entertainer. Like a sweaty Martha Stewart. Can we talk about the game plan for the rib roast? It-it'll be a little while, Gene. I'll take my half now, whatever state it's in. It's not cooked, Gene. It's raw. I do not mind. Anyway, just so we're clear, do not mess this date up! Fine. Secret post-meeting kid meeting. We got to mess this date up. But, Louise, even though Mr. Frond gives us detention all the time and is awful, that doesn't mean he won't make a great guidance counselor, slash, uncle some day. Ugh! Tina! Don't you speak those words! Uncle Frond? Sick! Our lives would be so intertwined. And the dolls. God, the dolls! (high-pitched): Yay...! Aah! It's a nightmare! Those dolls would be our cousins! Gene gets it. Tina, you in? Uh... Okay. Good. Now let's talk strategy. We got to be subtle. So, should we convince Aunt Gayle that Frond's in the Mafia, or that he is a witch? Mafia witch! Nice! Well, this is fun! So fun. So fun. You know, I'm only ten, but I'm a very mature ten. That's... nice. In the lips. (lips smacking) Oh, um... I have to go help my dad. Um, I think I smell something, um, spilling. Ugh. Damn. Back again. Hmm. Well, I checked on the rib roast. Still gonna be a while. (Gene grunts) But that just gives us more time to talk! So, Steve, Mr. Archeologist, is life for you just like one long Indiana Jones movie? (laughs) You know, I get that a lot. It's... not like that at all. Right. Right. I'm sorry, but that movie is to archeology what Pretty Woman is to prostitution. Who was a prostitute in Pretty Woman? They all were, honey! Oh. Hey, how about some more wine, huh? Ha! Mr. Frond, you haven't touched yours. Oh, I-I'm not really much of a drinker. (grunting) Okay, okay, okay, okay. There he goes. So, how'd you two meet, huh? Phillip and I go to the same cat salon. Ooh. I took Dr. BoJangles in for a blowout, and there she was. That's funny, coming from a Mafia witch! A what? It's a witch that's in the Mafia. Don't play dumb. (quietly): Abort. Abort. Not working. I'm pretty sure they bought it. Let me handle this. So, Aunt Gayle, Phillip here is a real rule hound. Aren't rules the worst? Yuck, right? No, I love rules! I make 'em up for myself all the time. Like every time I eat a ham sandwich, I have to send $100 to a pig. Or if I stay up all night, I won't die. Your rules rule. (laughing): Oh, Phillip! Hmm. (Louise grunts) Steve, I-I don't think all archeologists are Indiana Jones. So, Phillip, what is it that you do at the school exactly? I-I... Sorry. What? No, you-you go. What? Go ahead. No, I... I... Did you want to say something? I... I didn't mean... Phillip, what was it you were saying? Forget it. I am a guidance counselor, but I prefer the term "Emotion Coach." Oh. You know, Zander's received some counseling since my wife and I separated. We've run into a few problems that rhyme with schleptomaniac. I'm not a kleptomaniac! Where'd my coaster go? Divorce is very hard for kids Zander's age. I will often do divorce counseling for kids whose parents aren't divorced, 'cause, you know, I can tell who's not gonna make it. So, Mr. Frond, is it true that you've got a monkey butt?! I heard that. Kids! Well, monkey butt or no monkey butt, Phillip here is, like, super tightly wound, Aunt Gayle. Like, so much wound. (gasps) I'm tightly wound! Sometimes I scream into a pillow. I like to cry into a loaf of bread while I'm eating it! Ah! (yelling) LINDA: Louise, can you please go away and come back with a smile on your face and no words coming out of it? Thank you! Sure! Good. Good. Sure. Ugh. (gasps) At least I can get my grabber back. What the...? "Dear Gayle, to commemorate our second date, I made this doll out of the yarn from my dead grandmother's shawl." (gasps) Oh, no! Gene: What is it? I think it's supposed to be Aunt Gayle. Well, then who's that lady in the living room? You guys, don't you see? He made her something! Gayle might think this is one of her sign things! If Frond gives this to her tonight, it could seal the deal forever! We got to hide this doll until we've successfully broken them up. But, Louise, Aunt Gayle and Mr. Frond are actually pretty good for each other. They're so crazy, they just might work. Tina, you sound ridiculous. Now listen up. We've been targeting Frond, but Aunt Gayle's the one that's scared of all this dating stuff. We got to convince her that love will destroy her. Gene, we're gonna need some instruments. About time. Tina, you're taking Spanish now, sí? What? You're taking Spanish now, yes? Oh. Sí. All right. Let's sing this romance into a no-mance, people. Ugh, still not done. Hey, so things are going pretty good out there with me and Steve, right? Uh... no. I know. I know it's bad. I don't get it. Well, he's kind of a dud. He's not a dud. He's an archeologist and he's amazing. (phone vibrates) Ugh, Teddy keeps texting me to say he didn't mean to text me, he meant to text Charlie. Listen, Bob, I think you're just coming on a little strong with Steve. You got to play hard to get. You think so? Yeah. Give him a bit of a chase. All right. I-I can do that. That's it. You want some of this? Yeah. Well, you can't have it! (whoops) And we all looked at each other, and we just smiled. Wow! Was that too loud? I do not usually drink. (singsongy): But I do now! Anyway, that was the most exciting dig of my whole career. Crap. I missed his story. Steve, what was your most exciting dig? Oh, I was just saying that... Bob, no. Never mind. Uh, he doesn't want to hear it. Yeah, I got my own stuff going on. Ladies and gentlemen, if I can have your attention. We would like to serenade all of you tonight... What? No. ...with an old Spanish ballad entitled "Amor, Por Favor." I will translate. ♪ ♪ ♪ Buenos Dias, Como estas ♪ Love is like a beautiful flower. Oh... ♪ Me llamo Tina ♪ But it can also be dangerous, like a tiger with a gun. I don't think that means that. Louise... ♪ El perro es grande ♪ I mean, look at Steve. Divorce. Pain. Nothingness. Sorry, Steve. No, no. It's true. ♪ ¿Donde esta El baño? ♪ Stay single forever, protect your heart, avoid guidance counselors. The end. El singer is muy caliente. Oh. Must be right if it's in Spanish. Wha...? Well, I'm gonna go check on that rib roast again. A-And I'm going to go... get something. A gift! W-wait! Don't go! There's another verse! Come back! Gene! Tina! Uh... ♪ La la la la Spanish la la la ♪ Frond: (screams) It's gone! You took it! Took what, Phillip? Whoa. How do people drink and then move around? Oh. (gags) I got to throw up. (gags) Louise! (singsongy): Who's hungry? Me! (Frond retching) Phillip? (retching continues) You all right? He's fine. Yeah. He sounds... good. I know this might be a bad time, but dinner's ready, so if we could just all make our way toward the table... Frond: You go ahead! Um, has anyone seen Zander? I didn't take anything. Wait, what? But you took my breath away. So, we have had a wonderful time, but we are... No-no-no-no-no! Don't say you're gonna leave. Look, Steve, I was acting weird before. That was Linda's dumb idea. Hey. But I don't want to play games with you. Aw. Uh... So just come have some of my rib roast. Let him go! I'll take his! Gene. O-Okay, we'll... we'll stay. All right! This is a great dinner party! Phillip, keep... keep doing your throw-ups! Come out when you're ready. Ah, ah. Where do you think you're going? To Rib Roast Junction! Toot toot! What did you take from Mr. Frond? Frond: She took my dead grandma shawl doll! Dead grandma shawl doll? What the hell is that? It sounds weird when you say it. Oh, what's the difference? I blew it. I'm never gonna find anybody! Maybe I can knit myself a wife. You could call her Yarnessa. Louise! You are gonna give back that doll thing right now! Okay, hear me out... Look at my eyes. Kids: Ah! You see how crazy they are? Now! (all gasp) But it was right here! Okay, Louise. Here's what's gonna happen if you don't produce that dead grandma doll... whatever. You're gonna be so grounded you're gonna grow roots, Miss Missy! Yikes! Ah! Oh, and the chores! You're gonna wash the kitchen floor, (gasping) the bathroom floor, the basement floor, all the floors! So many floors! Is anyone kind of excited about how clean our house is gonna be? Mr. Frond? You ready to come out? Gayle's waiting for you. (Frond retching) Okay, he's not ready. There you go. And a little sauce. So Mr. Frond is gonna be a little while in the bathroom. What a cutie he is, huh? I can't get the English version of that Spanish song out of my head. Oh, boy. Oh, my God, I'm gonna die alone! There she goes. (clears throat) Steve, how's the food? Do you love it or do you love it? Oof. Oh, no, you look bad. Is there cream in this sauce? In the crème fraiche? Uh, yeah, a little bit. Okay, do you have a bathroom without a man in it? We have one in the restaurant. I can let you in. But here's a little rib roast without sauce on it... No, absolutely not. We got to move. Yup, got it. Quicker. Quickly, please. Oh, God! Much quicker than this! My keys! I can't get 'em off my... I-I don't understand. I put the doll right there. Well, where did it go? Maybe it finally became a real girl! (Zander humming) (gasps) Zander! What's shakin'? Those cargo shorts are looking awfully full, buddy. Uh... thank you. We know you took the doll, Zander. Empty your pockets. Um, I would love to, but, uh, it's so cold in here, I should get a sweater from the car! Klepto's on the move! I'm not a klepto! (panting) Oh, hey, guys. Um, nothing at all in my pockets, by the way. You were asking about that before. There's the doll! In the storm drain! What? I don't think so. Hey, do you ever just want to stomp? Your street... is so... Louise: No! Good... for stomping! No! Stop it! No! No! Louise and Tina: No! Stomp! Eh, it's all right. Steve? Uh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were... crème... intolerant. Steve: No need to talk to me while I'm in here, please. Right. Well... just, you know, take your time and... You're still doing it right now. I know. I'm sorry. It's, uh, like... So you're still there, right? You're still out there? Yes. I don't know why. I-I am. Perfect! Now the doll's gone and we're all getting grounded. Wait, are we getting grounded, too? I thought Mom was talking to you. Yeah, she was making a lot of eye contact with you and saying your name a lot. Oh, fine, so it's all my fault just because it was my idea to take the doll and break up Frond and Gayle and sing a Spanish ballad about the dangers of love. Sure! Blame me! Okay. Okay. It's your fault. You need to work on yourself. Don't you dare. You're squeezing my cheeks. Wait a sec. What's wrong with me? This is great! The doll's gone, Frond can't give it to Gayle. Zander will confess that he got rid of the doll, and Louise a-no-get-a grounded. And why would I confess? Because in return, you will get... a kiss with Tina. Oh, my. What? Interesting. Uh-huh. Yeah, let's do it. I will just prepare my mouth. Uh-uh-uh. Confess first, then kiss. Half now, half later. All later, none now. Okay, fine, but no tongue! I'm only ten and I'm not ready! Deal! Louise. What? Why are you looking at me like that? 'Cause you got to kiss a klepto? I'm not a klepto. Then what? Cut it out. What? You think I should want Aunt Gayle to be happy because she's our aunt and we love her? You're saying I'm being selfish?! A selfish brat?! Is that what you're saying?! Oh, gosh darn it! Son of a bitch! Damn you, Tina! You're right, okay? You don't have to yell at me! What's happening? Tina, take it easy. But how are we gonna get the dang doll out of the sewer? (gasps) I know how. Just a quick walk-by. That's not weird. A walk-by and a ding-dong ditch. Huh? (doorbells jingle) What's going on? Oh. Hey, Teddy. Uh, Steve needed to use the bathroom. It's a long story. Oh, me? I'm just coming back from an amazing night with Charlie. We, uh, whoa... we did it all, you know? We... (laughs) Talk about wow! Anyhoosie doosie, how's your night going? Not great. Not great? But you made rib roast. It kind of sort of gave Steve diarrhea. Like, right away. Oh. Also, I just don't think... he's that into me. Not into you? Not into you? He's in there?! Teddy... Hey! Listen up! Steve! Steve: Okay, now we got another person talking to me? Uh, Teddy, it's okay, please... No, no, no, no, Bob. Let me talk. This guy out here invites you to dinner in his house, he slaves over that beautiful rib roast, and you're not into him? Who do you think you are, Indiana Jones or something? Steve: I'm not Indiana Jones. He doesn't like that comparison. What are you, too busy fighting Nazis? Well, guess what? Steve: I don't fight Nazis. Then you don't deserve him. He's an amazing guy, and he makes really good burgers, and he's my friend! Teddy... thanks. Whew. Got a little worked up there. (laughs) My therapist says I take these things too seriously. Made a lot of calls to her tonight! Oh... All right, where is everybody? (gasps) Louise's head is in the sewer! Louise, what are you doing? Get your head out of there! Mom, Dad, no! She's in the gutter for a reason. Is that my spatula? Is that my necklace? Weird, very weird. Got it! Whoa! Whoa! Is that me? Yes. Mr. Frond made it for you out of his dead grandma's shawl, and I took it. I was trying to keep you two apart, and... I guess that was wrong. But then look who turned it all around and saved the day. I did. Louise Belcher. Hero. He... he made it? For me? It's one of the signs! Oh! Don't touch it, don't touch it. Oh, she's touching it. I love it, I love it, I love it. Oh, I love it! Steve, do you maybe have something you want to say to Bob? I-I guess I've been a little standoffish tonight, and for that, I'd like to say that I'm sorry. And then, Bob, do you want to say anything to Steve? Yeah. I mean, I may have been a little... overeager about this dinner party. Will you two just hug already?! Okay, fine, I'll get in on it, too. (Teddy grunting, Bob groaning) Uh, Teddy, let go. Uh, Zander, you ready to hit the road? Wait for me, Tina. Probably not. I'm keeping your retainer! Oh, I kind of need that back. No, you don't. You're perfect the way you are! No, I really do need... Oh, he's gone. Teddy, you want to come up for dinner? Uh, you know, it's getting late. I'm gonna take a rain check. Gayle: Phillip, please open the door. I know. It's over. You don't throw up in the bathroom, wipe your mouth on a maxi pad and get a third date. (passionate grunting) Aw... All right, well, let's just go eat the cold rib roast. Cold rib roast! Hey, Louise. You did the right thing. I know. I'm proud of you. Yeah, yeah, I got it. You know, love is a funny thing. You just got to... Aah, Tina! Can we not watch Aunt Gayle and Mr. Frond make out?! Oh, yeah. Sure. Sure. But, um, good job.