Celebrity Jeopardy! (SNL 40th Anniversary Special)

Transcript

 * Alex Trebek: And welcome back to "Celebrity Jeopardy!". Before... Before we begin the Double Jeopardy round, I'd like to apologize to our Asian viewers, we should've known having "Chinese History" as a category would lead to some highly offensive accents from our contestants. That said, let's take a look at the score. Sean Connery currently sits at -$3,000.
 * Sean Connery: And your mother currently sits on my face, Trebek. [he laughs]
 * Alex Trebek: Way too early for that, way too early. Next, Justin Bieber at -$17,000.
 * Justin Bieber: Yeah, um, it's like, there hasn't been a lot up here, right? But there's so much in here, and I just wanna get it out, girl. [he prays]
 * Alex Trebek: You think that I, a grown adult man am a girl?
 * Justin Bieber: Yeah, um, no. I don't know. [he pulls his hood over his head]
 * [Trebek shakes his head]
 * Alex Trebek: Okay. And in last place, Tony Bennett. Whose score is so low, it can't be represented by a real number.
 * Tony Bennett: [uses his buzzer as a microphone] I'm havin' a great, great, great time, Alex. Tonight I said, "Bells and buzzes, dings and bings. It's like Atlantic City took a GIANT CRAP! And I'm King of 4th of July!"
 * Alex Trebek: What a lovely image. Let's take a look at the board. And the categories are: "Potent Potables", "Letters That Begin With G", "Who Reads" -- which is a category about books. I'm sure we won't tackle that one. "Let It Snow", "State Your Name" -- in that category, all you need to do is state your name. "Famous Oprahs", and "Potpourri". Sean, you control the board.
 * Sean Connery: I'll take "Whore Ads" for $200.
 * [the camera zooms into the 200 clue, then zooms out and into the category "Who Reads"]
 * Alex Trebek: It is... It is "Who Reads". It's about books. It's... It's not "Whore Ads". That's it, Connery. You're on a time out. For our other contestants, "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer are about this person's adventures."
 * Justin Bieber: [buzzes in] Um, I don't know nothing about Tom Sawyer.
 * Alex Trebek: Then don't buzz in. Okay? No one has to buzz in.
 * Justin Bieber: Uh, but I know adventures, and I want you to come with me on the next one, girl. [dances and feels his hair as the incorrect buzzer sounds, then ducks and rises up]

[Trebek nods]
 * Alex Trebek: I'm not a girl, I have a mustache on my face.

[Bennett buzzes in]
 * Alex Trebek: Tony Bennett, "The Adventures of Tom Swayer are about this person's adventures."
 * Tony Bennett: What a great, great, great, great movie. I can't remember the name cap's name, but what a cast of characters in this novel. Becky Thatcher. Huckleberry Finn, then there was that Huck's runnin' buddy, a black fellow, tall. His name's on the tip of my tongue.
 * Alex Trebek: No, no, no.
 * Tony Bennett: It begins with an N.
 * Alex Trebek: No, no, no.
 * Tony Bennett: It's an N word!
 * Alex Trebek: No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
 * [a horn honks]
 * Alex Trebek: Please stop. What in the--?
 * [Burt Reynolds arrives to have driven his podium under the name "Turd Ferguson"]
 * Alex Trebek: Burt Reynolds, what are you doing here?
 * [Reynolds clears his throat]
 * Burt Reynolds: Yeah, that's uh, It's not my name.
 * Alex Trebek: [sighs] Alright. Turd Ferguson.
 * Burt Reynolds: Uh, sorry I'm late. I, uh, had to pick up my podium from the... From the grout.
 * Alex Trebek: Well, you're not late, you weren't invited.
 * Burt Reynolds: I'd like to solve the puzzle, Alex.
 * Alex Trebek: This isn't Wheel of Fortune.
 * Burt Reynolds: Who is Andre the Giant?
 * Alex Trebek: Is that an answer to a question?
 * Burt Reynolds: No, I was just wondering, uh... Just wondering, "Who is Andre the Giant?".
 * Alex Trebek: You know what? Justin Bieber, why don't you choose a category?
 * Christoph Waltz: I will happily answer on Mr. Bieber's behalf!
 * Alex Trebek: Christoph Waltz? Where is Justin Bieber?
 * Christoph Waltz: Uh, I am afraid that Mr. Bieber had to depart for a prior engagement. But I assure you and all the "Beliebers". Ha-ha! That I will bring the same boyish enthusiasm to pronnect proceedings, heart-heart we can punt! [points at the camera]
 * [Trebek gives a stare]
 * Alex Trebek: Let's just do "Letters Beginning With G" for $400. And the answer is: "This G Shaped Letter Comes Between F And H."
 * [Matthew McConaughey buzzes in, taking Bennett's place]
 * Alex Trebek: Matthew McConaughey, what are you doing here?
 * Matthew McConaughey: What are any of us doing here? Whether I get your question right or wrong. Free Will is an allusion. Life is a game that plays us.
 * [Trebek looks around in confusion]
 * Alex Trebek: So you don't have an answer?
 * Matthew McConaughey: [voice over] At this point, I didn't know if I was dreaming him. Or if he was dreaming me. Also, I was 90% sure that I'd left my Lincoln running with the doors unlocked. Any in somehow, I felt it was completely safe.
 * Alex Trebek: Did you record a voice over for this?
 * Matthew McConaughey: [voice over] I did. [back to normal] Sorry. What is I did?
 * [incorrect buzzer sounds]
 * Matthew McConaughey: [voice over] Then.
 * Alex Trebek: Wha...? Wha...? Why do I bother?
 * Sean Connery: Alex. Would it be alright if I picked the next category?
 * Alex Trebek: Well, that depends, Sean. Are you going to take the game seriously?
 * Sean Connery: Indeed I will. And I'd also like to offer, "Sincere polities. For when we've been on behavior tonight."
 * Alex Trebek: Well, thank you, Sean. That means a lot. Why don't you pick a category?
 * Sean Connery: I'll take "Le Tits Now" for $800.
 * [the category "Let It Snow" appears onscreen with Connery laughing in the background. the camera cuts to Trebek]
 * Alex Trebek: That's "Let It Snow."
 * Sean Connery: No it's not. It's a French expression: "Bonjour, Madame, Monsieur. I'd like to see 'Le Tits Now'!" [laughs hysterically as a buzzer goes off]
 * Alex Trebek: Burt Reynolds.
 * [Reynolds is seen wearing a large hat]
 * Burt Reynolds: [clears throat] I, uh, I just remembered.
 * Alex Trebek: You-- You remembered what?
 * Burt Reynolds: I remembered who Andre the Giant was. He, uh... He was a giant, and he went by the name of, uh... [he clears throat] Andre.
 * Alex Trebek: Why are you still talking about Andre the Giant? The answer is: "This Is The Color Of Snow."
 * [Connery buzzes in]
 * Sean Connery: What is yellow?
 * [incorrect buzzer sounds]
 * Alex Trebek: Incorrect.
 * Sean Connery: Are you sure? I made some yesterday. Spelled your name in the snowbank of course, it was your mother's handwriting. Ah-hah! She was holding the pen! So must he! [laughs maniacally]
 * [Reynolds buzzes in]
 * Alex Trebek: I despise you. Burt Reynolds.
 * Burt Reynolds: Uh. [clears throat] Why don't you give me, uh... "Andre the Giant" for... [silence] $1,000.
 * Alex Trebek: Nuh. It's not a category. Let's just go to "Potent Potables" for $600. It's our Video Daily Double. And it's about alcoholic beverages. Let's hear what this celebrity has to say about his favorite cocktail.
 * [a room full of alcoholic beverages appears as Bill Cosby enters with a Potent Potable]
 * Bill Cosby: Okay, now this Potent Potable is a one-part gramba-jamba, and then, uh...
 * Alex Trebek: Oh. Oh, dear god, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Oh, dear god, no. I'm very sorry. We filmed that in June.
 * [Connery laughs in the background]
 * Sean Connery: That was BAD, Trebek! [chuckles]
 * Alex Trebek: Yes it was, goodnight...

[Reynolds places over-sized on Trebek's head, blinding him]
 * Alex Trebek: Please, stop it. I'm tired of this.
 * [fade]