Wild Thing

This article is a transcript of the ALF episode, "Wild Thing" from season 1, which aired on March 2, 1987.

Plot
Alf: Just try it again. This time I'll get it.

Brian: Okay, tell me what I'm thinking. I was thinking of a fork.

Alf: But wasn't her maiden name Florence Fork? Close enough. Think of something else.

Brian: Okay.

Alf: You're thinking of the 1927 Yankees.

Brian: I'm still thinking of a fork.

Alf: But didn't one of their pitchers throw a fork ball?

Brian: I don't know.

Alf: Well trust me, he did.

Willie: Hi guys.

Alf: Hello.

Willie: Oh, we're okay. Don't get up.

Alf: I wasn't going to.

Brian: Guess what, Alf can read our minds.

Willie: He's not reading mine at the moment.

Alf: Yes I am. I'm just ignoring you.

Willie: How to develop your psychic awareness in one afternoon.

Brian: We sent away for it.

Alf: Yeah. Came with a pair of these x-ray glasses.

Willie: You wasted good money on a mind reading kit?

Alf: We'll make it all back with our stock market picks.

Kate: Alf. You come from an advanced civilisation. How can you be so gullible?

Alf: You're right. I'm ashamed. Nice underwear Kate.

Opening credits

Alf: Oh good, everyone's here. Where's Kate?

Willie: In the shower.

Alf: Thanks.

Lynne: He wouldn't.

Willie: He might.

Kate: Eaaaah!!

Willie: He did.

Alf: Found her.

Willie: Alf, you don't walk into other peoples showers.

Alf: I didn't walk in. I just pulled the curtain open.

Willie: I insist that you respect my wife's privacy.

Alf: All right, all right. We're moving on. I need to have a family meeting here.

Lynne: Alf!!

Alf: They'll call back.

Kate: You do that again, you're a seat cover!

Alf: Do what again?

Kate: You know what!

Lynne: Alf, that was very rude hanging up the phone like that.

Alf: You're right. I'm sorry. You look a little different today.

Lynne: Oh I know I got…

Alf: Did you used to have a moustache?

Lynne: No. I got my braces off.

Alf: Yeah but didn't you used to have a moustache too?

Kate: Alf, what do have to say that's so important?

Alf: Today is March the first.

Willie: You better not be finished.

Alf: I wasn't. Tomorrow is the second.

Lynne: I'm calling Mindy back.

Alf: Hey wait, wait. Come here. Come back here. Every seventy-five years on March second I go through a complex physiological and psychological transformation.

Brian: What?

Alf: I go goofy. All Melmacians go through it. From sunrise to sunset my personality will change dramatically.

Willie: How dramatic is this change?

Alf: One never knows till it happens. But expect the unexpected. Wildly erratic behavior, personality shifts. The main thing is that I'll do anything to get out of that cage and get my hands on a cat. Any questions?

Willie: I have one.

Alf: You in the tie.

Willie: What cage?

Alf: Oh, ah, the cage you're going to build for me. The one with the reinforced sides.

Scene: The Tanner living room with the cage in place.)

Alf: Well I guess it's that time.

Brian: Good luck Alf.

Alf: Thanks Brian. Now remember Willie, you are not, I repeat not to let me out of here under any circumstances. Is that clear?

Willie: Yes.

Alf: Good. (Alf enters the cage) Good, now let me out. I have to use the little aliens room.

Willie: Oh sure.

Alf: What are you doing!? Are you crazy? Didn't I say not to open this door under any circumstances?

Willie: Well I thought…I thought you really had to go.

Alf: You have a lunatic on your hands here. You got to be prepared for all kinds of diabolical tricks.

Willie: Okay, okay.

Alf: You know, maybe I should go, just to be on the safe side.

Willie: Forget it.

Alf: Good. You're finally catching on. Now, now let me out I have to go.

Willie: Ha, ha, no.

Alf: AAhhooooo

Kate: Maybe he's in pain.

Willie: That's just another one of his tricks.

Alf: Help! Help! Fire! Somebody let me out.

Kate: He's lying.

Alf: Ohh, there's a big rat in here.

Willie: Badly.

Alf: (in Lynne's voice) Mom, Dad, get me out of here.

Kate: Lynne, that sounded just like you.

Brian: Wow, he's really good.

Lynne: Excuse me but this is really weird. I can't watch.

Alf: (in Brian's voice) Wait for me. Wait for me.

Brian: Did I say that?

Willie: Oh Brian, you better go to your room too. This could get out of hand.

Alf: (in Willies voice) This could get out of hand. This could get out of hand.

Willie: It's going to be a long night.

Alf: Yo, B, Brian. Where are you going?

Brian: To get some milk.

Alf: Oh yeah, that would sure hit the spot. Hey, come here.

Brian: I'm not supposed to talk to you.

Alf: Not talk to your old buddy? You don't have to be afraid. It's over. I'm back to my old self. Come on, let me out.

Brian: You said not until sunrise.

Alf: Brian, it's me. The old Alfer. The guy who taught you how to read minds. In fact, I know what you're thinking right now.

Brian: What?

Alf: That you want to let your old pal out of this cage. Right?

Brian: No. I was thinking of a fork.

Alf: (imitating a clock buzzer)

Brian: What's that?

Alf: Oh it's my alarm. It's sunrise. You can let me out now.

Brian: But it's still dark.

Alf: Not on Melmac. See that's the time we go by. So I made it. Open up.

Brian: Are you sure?

Alf: I'm sure. I'm sure. Open up. I'm hungry.

Brian: Okay

Alf: Phew. Thanks. Oh hey, would you check in that cage. (Brian enters the cage) Ha! Ha!

Brian: Alf, why are you locking me in this cage.

Alf: Sorry kid, I need a head start. Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

Commercial Break

Brian: Mom! Dad! Mom! Dad! Let me out!

Alf: Oh boy, he does a good Brian.

Lynne: You'd hardly know it was Alf.

Brian: It's me, it's really me.

Willie: Nice try.

Kate: Honey, honey maybe it is Brian.

Willie: But that can't be. Brian's in bed.

Kate: Brian!!

Brian: What?!!

Willie: Not you. Brian!!

Brian: What?!!

Lynne: I'll go check his room.

Kate: Honey, it looks just like Brian.

Willie: Maybe Alf can change his shape, too.

Brian: No he can't. It's me.

Willie: All right, all right. If you're really Brian what's your favorite food? Brian: Spaghetti.

Willie Uh, that's ridiculous.

Kate: No, no, no, that is his favourite food.

Willie: I thought it was Lynn liked spaghetti.

Kate: No

Willie: No?

Kate: No

Lynne: He's not back there.

Willie: Say, what's your favourite food?

Lynne: I don't know. White boiled potatoes.

Willie: I thought you liked spaghetti.

Lynne: It's all right.

Willie: All right?

Lynne: It's fine.

Kate: Willie! Willie, I'm going to open this cage.

Willie: No wait. What's your mother's maiden name?

Brian: What's a maiden name?

Willie: Well, you know it's the name she had before she was married.

Brian: Kate.

Willie: No, her other name. Her last name.

Brian: Halligan.

Kate: Oh, Brian! Honey!

Willie: Are you all right?

Lynne: What happened to Alf?

Brian: I let him go.

Kate: Oh, honey.

Lynne: I'll go check out back.

Willie: Brian, why?

Brian: He told me the change was over. I'm really sorry.

Kate: Oh, honey, it's all right. But what were you doing up in the middle of the night?

Brian: I thought I wanted some milk. Maybe it was Alf was trying to call me in my mind.

Willie: No, I don't think so, Brian.

Lynne: The gate to the Ochmoneks' is wide open.

Willie: Oh, no. Lucky's over there. I'm going to go next door and see if Alf is there. You stay here in case he comes back.

Kate: Oh, well, you'd both better go back to bed.

Lynne: I can't sleep now.

Brian: I'm hungry.

Kate: All right, all right, we'll stay up and have a snack. What would you like?

Lynne and Brian: Spaghetti. White boiled potatoes.

Trevor: Hey, Raquel! (Raquel snores) Raquel!

Raquel: Oh, oh, was I snoring again?

Trevor: I'm coming, I'm coming. Keep your shorts on.

Raquel: Who could that be at this time of night?

Trevor: It's probably the airport asking you to keep it down. All right, all right, all right. Hey, Tanner.

Willie: Trevor. Hi Raquel.

Raquel: Hello Willie

Willie: I'm sorry to bother you this late at night but, I just came over. I was hoping I could get Lucky. I mean Lucky, our cat.

Trevor: Oh. At this time of night?

Willie: Well, we were worried about him. It's his first night away from home.

Trevor: Yeah, I had a feeling. Raquel, get the cat.

Raquel: I can't go near that cat. You know it makes my feet swell.

Trevor: Oh, yeah. Then you'll be wearing my shoes again. I'll get the cat.

Willie: I'm sorry, Raquel.

Raquel: That's all right. Willie, can I get you something? I just bought one of those international coffees.

Willie: No!

Raquel: Something without caffeine?

Willie: No, no. No I don't need anything from the kitchen.

Trevor: I can't find the little fella anywhere. (noises from the kitchen) Hey, what's going on in the kitchen?

Willie: (whispers) Alf.

Alf: How long do you preheat these for a cat?

Willie: Give me that!

Alf: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...

Willie: Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Trevor: What's so funny?

Willie: This toaster oven. Is it a toaster, or is it an oven? Ha, ha, ha!

Trevor: Why are you holding it?

Willie: Haven't you ever felt the need to just hold something?

Raquel: I just found the strangest thing. An open can of minestrone in the kitchen.

Willie: Oh, that was probably the cat.

Trevor: Your cat opens tin cans?

Willie: It's amazing, I know. We're trying to get him on Letterman.

Raquel: Oh my.

Trevor: That better not be my cologne.

Alf: Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Willie: Alf, we're going home.

Alf: I want that cat.

Willie: No!

Alf: All right. Who needs him? There are a million cats out there! Give me your car keys.

Willie: Alf, we're going to go home, right now!

Alf: No! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Trevor: He broke my glass eye.

Willie: I'll buy you another one.

Trevor: You got that right. (lawn mower starting) Raquel, that sounds like your riding mower.

Raquel: Oh.

Willie: Oh, no.

Trevor: Hey, where are you going with my toaster oven?

Police scanner: Unit six, treed cat at one three one four five Julio street. What? Hoolio street? I hate this town.

Willie: Where was that again?

Kate: Uh, uh thirteen one four five Hoolio street.

Willie: Oh, no, I should have seen this coming.

Kate: What?

Willie: We're running out of those little flags.

Police scanner: Unit-9, proceed to 105th and Decker. Investigate break-in at Pete's House 'O' Pets.

Lynne: Well, here's 105th and Decker. Look, dad. it's nowhere near Hoolio street. Alf can't be doing all those things.

Willie: You're right, of course. How far can he get on a lawn mower?

Police scanner: All units in the vicinity, proceed to county zoo. Investigate the report of a missing tiger.

Lynne: Oh my gosh, Alf!

Willie: Even Alf would have more sense than to kidnap a tiger.

Kate: Yeah, you're right. Lynnie, let's get in the car, drive around the neighborhood one more time and see if we can find him.

Lynne: But, what if he's got the tiger?

Willie: Then he won't be hard to spot.

TV Voice: One, two, three. Firm that tummy. You can't hit the beaches if you can't see your feet. Three...

Willie: No luck?

Kate: Nope. We did find the lawn mower, though.

Willie: Oh, good, I won't have to buy Raquel a new one.

Kate: You will if you can't get the bonsai trees out of the blade.

Lynne: Anything on the police scanner?

Willie: Just a couple of domestic spats. One of them was at the Ochmoneks'.

Kate: Brian? Honey, you have a headache?

Brian: No, I'm thinking of a fork. I'm trying to get Alf back.

Willie: Metal telepathy.

Brian: I'm the one who let him get away. I've got to make him come back.

Kate: Honey, he'll come back when he can.

Lynne: If he can.

Willie: Lynne.

Lynne: By now, his 12 hours are up. I'm sure he's come out of it. He might not know where he is. Something terrible could have happened.

Willie: Let's just try to think positively about this, okay? I'm sure that he'll be home soon.

Kate: And he never misses "Captain Kangaroo."

Lynne: Alf!

Alf: Excuse me, but, you good people have a fork?

Brian: The mind reading worked!

Lynne: Oh, Alf.

Willie: Alf, are you all right?

Alf: Yeah, yeah, fine. Why do you ask?

Lynne: We were so worried. Where were you?

Alf: Out.

Willie: Well, do you think this thing has run its course now?

Alf: To quote Yogi Berra, "it ain't over 'til it's over!" There's still one more stage.

Willie: Well, what stage is that?

Alf: Quoting people. And as Mercutio said, "all's well that ends well."

Willie: No, no, no, Mercutio said, "'tis not so deep as a well, but 'tis enough, 'twill serve."

Alf: Oh, right. But "to err is human, to forgive, divine." Plutarch, I believe.

Lynne: Well, at least you've recovered. Sort of.

Alf: Yeah. Or, as Marcel Proust said, "We are healed of suffering only by experiencing it to the full." or was that Marcel Marceau? No, that couldn't be right. Marcel Marceau said… (starts miming)

Commercial break

Alf: Or in the words of Dustan, "It ill-becomes us to jest at a fallen potentate and still less before he has fallen."

Willie: Say, how much longer are you going to do this?

Alf: Well, if I may quote Porky Pig, "G'b, g'b, g'b, g'b, that's all, folks!" And speaking of Porky (sniffs the air) do I smell bacon?

Willie: No.

Alf: Well, I'd like to.

Willie: I thought you spent the whole night eating…eating cats.

Alf: I don't think I did. At least, I don't feel bloated. But now that you mention cats, I do remember storing something in the garage.

Willie: The garage? You, this way. (Alf and Willie entering the garage) If you've stolen any cats, they're going back immediately. Do you understand?

Alf: No problem.

Willie: I'll, I'll take him back right after breakfast.

End Credits