Movie Star

[ incomplete: unfixed/messed ]

Prologue
Woman: She’s battled ivory poachers, raging rivers, even tuberculosis and now Oscar-winner Rona Thorne takes on the CIA and the KGB in Dietrich Viener’s new thriller "Disavowed!"

Rona Thorne: Ohmigod, it’s going to be amazing, I play a spy accused of being a double-agent so she has to clear her name and I read Dietrich’s script and I was like, look it me, I was like "waaaaagh!" so it’s just going to be amazing.

Pam Poovey: Oh my God, she’s amazing!

Cheryl Tunt: Eh, I dunno…

Pam: That’s because you’re an idiot.

Ray Gillette: Who obviously never saw "River’s Rage".

Cheryl: I saw it, but I was just like "ehh".

Pam: Wh-? ! Are you nuts?! That scene when her baby gets swept away?!

Ray: Bawled so hard they made me leave the theater, never saw the ending.

Cheryl: Well, they find the baby-

Ray: Aaah! Don’t tell me! ( Cheryl: Dead. ) Dammit!

Pam: Yeah, jammed up under a log… Oh, and that wet clingy shirt she wears the whole time?! Nippletooown!
 * Ohmigod that river was so Cold!
 * Waaaaagh! Waaaaagh!
 * Why? ! Are we screaming?!
 * Do you know who you are?!
 * I dooo! I do I do I do and I’m also supposed to be meeting Malory Archer?
 * Come in dear, come in And the rest of you, don’t you have something better to do than stand around all day and shriek?
 * - No.

I’m sorry, that sounded like no. Lana, she has to research her role This isn’t, whatever, the sheriff’s department where you get to wear a windbreaker and go on a ride-along. This is highly-classified covert ops Yes! Covert ops! That’s exactly the kind of spy lingo I want to soak up! What part of "highly-classified" do you not understand? What’re you getting out of this? Wh-? Nothing! Well, apart from a small consideration from the studio Uh-huh. Which we’re still negotiating, but Who’s your agent, by the way? He’s not taking new clients, and Lana please, you have to have to have to help me. No I don’t don’t don’t, and I’m not- - But you’re a man. - And then some. So obviously he can’t give you a woman’s perspective like I can, - so yes, I will be happy to help you. - Wh-?! Ohmigod this is gonna be amaaazing! You’re just doing this to spite me!
 * - Noooope.
 * All of it! That’s why I’m here doing research, so you can teach me! Which she will be happy to do.
 * Wait a minute.
 * Sterling Archer: Not really qualified.
 * Lana: I’m sorry?
 * Archer: It’s not your fault, Lana. I on the other hand, am qualified, since I happen to be the world’s greatest secret agent.
 * Lana: And?

Act 1
Archer: I should be teaching Rona Thorne how to be a secret agent. Not Lana. "Woman’s perspective". I mean, I’m so obviously the best agent, duh, how could she pick Lana over me?! - No, sir. Oh good. Because your opinion matters. And since you seem unclear on the concept, that was sarcasm. Well played, sir. Thank you. Thank you.
 * Woodhouse: The mind fairly boggles.
 * Archer: Exactly! Wait, was that sarcasm?

Lana: But the minute this interferes with my real assignments, we’re finished. Ohmigod totally yes, I mean I’m just acting but your work is so, so vital! Well I mean no, it is, but No! Don’t do that, I am so, lookit me, I am so. Inspired by you! I really? Ohmigod, you are like, the epitome of an empowered woman, and if I can bring even a tenth of your strength and sexiness to my character? Oh my God! Yer kidding. And just exactly what is so funny? I no, it’s just It’s just kinda hard to picture you as a young actress For your information A young anything My acting career, shut up, was really taking off. In fact, I was on my way to a callback for a TV commercial, doing the crossword on the 41 bus, and a man leans over and says "If you like puzzles, I may have a job for you," and guess who he was. Wild Bill Donovan Wild Bill Donovan, head of the OSS! Three weeks later I was in Tunisia, killing a man. But I always wondered, what if I had gotten that commercial? Guess that Tunisian guy’d still be alive He was German, and this character, Gerald Martin, the CIA director, why couldn’t that be Geraldine Martin? No, that’s awful, um ooh, Malory! But not Martin, something like Steele, because she’s a very strong woman who Who will remember that at bonus time! And she’s also having a torrid affair with one of the sexy young agents Who’s black. Waaaagh! Ohmigod that is amaaazing! And that was a lot better at least that time you fired downrange. And ohmigod seriously, I am so like, like, really super sorry about that. Totally my fault. Please go buy a new suit at Bergdorf’s and send the bill to my manager. Thanks, I will take you up on that Right after I go to the hospital. Ohmigod if I like, possessed the capacity to be embarrassed? Eh. I shouldn’t have started you off with a fully-auto. Let’s see what we have in a semi-automatic Well, that’s no good What’s not? ARCHER Your stance, you’re fighting yourself. Excuse me? ARCHER You’re all rigid and stiff. Which I’m all for, rimshot, but not on the range. You have to relax, let the weapon be an extension of your body Oh my God Aw, I meant to make a frowny face But hey, speaking of your body, and my body, and stiffness What the hell, Lana?! Oh, I bet that really hurt, didn’t it? What? Yeah ha ha ha, grown-ups, keep moving your lips without making any any Maahp. Mah mah mahp. Maaaahp! Excuse me. Can you believe I used to date him? - Yes. - And wait, what? And I bet he cheated on you just like I bet every one of your boyfriends has, going all the way back to Sorry, but I assume you were just an insanely gawky teenager? There was some mild gawkiness, but Which you’ve never gotten over, which is why, please don’t hate me, you’re like, teeming with insecurities - Wh-? ! No I’m not! - When you totally shouldn’t be! You’re gorgeous and smart and ohmigod, have you read "UnleasUnhing the Me"?! By Reinhart Schmoll?! You have to read it! Take my copy, it’ll change your life and Oh! And you have to start keeping a journal of Hey, where’s my journal? Umm I maybe kinda slightly took it. Why why why, would you do that?! Didja think it was meat? I shut up I just wanted, ya know, to see what she’s really like. Give me that! Little Miss Invasion of the Privacy Snatchers! Oh, come on! Haven’t you ever snooped on somebody you thought was dreamy? No! Well, except Randy Trexler, who turns out was just leading me on to get out of the draft so I made a phone call to the draft board, and now who’s laughing, Mr. Hooks for Hands?! A booby trap blew his arms off. They said it was in a coconut! Mahp! Mmahp. Mmahp. Hi, yeah, please! Keep gawking at the deaf person! Deaf people are gross. Not as gross as the hook-hand ones. Eh. I dunno. Mahp. Maaahp. Yeah, quit doing that? Mahp, what? Stop? Not helping? Is that helping? Frickin Lana, even for her, this is over the line. She is gonna wish I was never born. Just gonna softball it in like that? ARCHER Mahp, what? I’m sorry? I said come in here, I need your help. But I’m on my way to a SexAnon meeting. Which is exactly why I need you! You oh no, please Ms. Archer, Don’t flatter yourself! I’m talking about this, the script for "Disavowed"! "Cut to Malory Steele, the fiftyish and incredibly sexy CIA director" spy comedy? Wh-? No! Because that has been done. It’s a taut, sexy thriller! Or it will be, if I can just get all the taut, sexy bits in the right order. Yikes yeah, you can’t have a flashback with a flash-forward in it, - That’s where you come in. - That’s bad writing. Because I wangled a call with the studio execs, and I think I can sell them on a rewrite, if you fix it. Well for starters, I don’t think you wanna say this guy is "as coal black and thick-muscled as a field hand. " I don’t need you for content, just for plot structure! But racist overtones aside, it really kinda limits your casting options. I mean, only two, three guys could play that. You just have to find the right guy, who’s not intimidated by your power. Or my twin TEC-9’s Or those big, steam-shovelly scoops you call hands. I’m kidding! Look, lookit me, that’s the gawky six-foot teenager everybody cheats on, not the embodiment of sexy empowered womanhood that you’ve become! Ya really think I’m sexy and empowered? Wh-? You’re like a brown Boudicca! Who I wrote an amazing poem about in Damn, I wish I could find my journal! So then it’s settled, we’re a go on OperationWhat should we call it? Dick Sledge. You wanna? No, but it’s like sour milk, ya just gotta take a whiff. What’s the story, neckbonenes? Sophomore year at my stupid college I had a huge crush on the quarterback, this super-hot guy named Dick Sledge - Sploosh. - Jinx. but it was like I was invisible, he wouldn’t even sign my cast when I broke my own arm. But I thought if I knew what he liked I’d have an in, so one Saturday when he had a game I broke into his dorm room to see what kinda music he was into, or turtles, or roll around in his clothes, or whatever, but But you were so busy sniffin his jock you didn’t hear him come in Because he totally snuck up on me! Then I guess I blacked out because I don’t remember stabbing him at all. Wh-? ! Why’d you have a knife?! I didn’t! It was a stupid pair of scissors, and it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand! That’s how his tendon got severed! Holy shitsnacks. Yeah, they said he could’ve gone pro. So, glossing over why you broke your own arm So he’d sign my cast. What exactly is your point? Duh. Just break into Rona’s apartment and put her stupid journal somewhere. Hey yeah! Nooope! Why not? Because it’s just not believable that this guy who, also, can not be named Cassius would risk his career for a woman twice his age! So make her forty! Yeah, and who’s gonna play her?! Wh-? Me! That’s the whole point! You do realize there’s a finite supply of Vaseline in the universe! Type! Nerd. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, mahp, but I’m under a lot of stress. Oh oh, and we’re not?! Ya got any idea how much I got on my plate?! What, I coulda crushed that! Now c’mon, let me help. Whatcha got? Well, we’re picking up chatter about a bomb threat in the Middle East Who cares?! I’m talking local, guys! Yes, yes! See, this is Wow, singlespaced, wanna broad-stroke it for me? Kolchenko, the new Soviet premier, is scheduled to give a speech at the UN in favor of strategic arms limitations talks, but the hardliners in the KGB Who am I, Kissinger?! Broad strokes! The KGB is gonna shoot this prick as he walks into the UN. - And? - And what? Was that so hard? Count Snackula? No, shut up, we go in, drop the journal, and get out. No snooping. Aw c’mon, I just wanna see if me and her have any stuff in common, like Tons of cockporn laying around? I don’t have cockporn just layin around! But sometimes, ya know, you forget it’s in the VCR! How do you forget? Ya rub one out, flip back to regular TV, "Superstars" is on, and all of a sudden here’s Joe Frazier’s dumb ass drowning, and ya forget it’s in there! Until mom and dad come to visit to tell ya she’s got Lou Gehrig’s disease. Why would you think it’s O. K. to share that? Why are you idiots in the armory? And gimme those! Hey, we’re using those! No you’re not! All this equipment is for field operatives only. Now beat it, ladies, I’m on a mission. You’re not our supervisor! And, shut up, we’re on a mission too! We’re breaking into Rona’s apartment to hide the stupid journal Pam stole. You’re kidding. - No. - Yes. There’s a sniper out there, whose bullet could spark World War Three, and you idiots are tying up ISIS resources on high school bullshit?! - Yes. - No. Because I don’t really see a downside to that, Archer-wise. Here, load up. Should be a big box of grenades around here somewhere. Where? ! Tell me where Pinch Two is supposed to go, and I’ll Act Two! Act Two is wall-to-wall with this love story you’re making me shoehorn into The forbidden love between Malory and Cassius is central to the plot! Oh for the Why dontcha just make it a shot-for-shot remake of Mandingo! Hate to interrupt, but I’m off on a dangerous mission! That’s what people wanna see! Not "Granny Gets Jungle Fever. " Get out! But even though it’s super-dangerous, I’m preventing World War Three, so Wait, what?! Hm? Nothing, no big deal, excuse me. Excuse me. - Nooope. - Ohmigod strong and sexy, amaazing! Will you shut up?! And if you don’t mind, I have to stop KGB snipers from assassinating the Soviet premier as he enters the UN. - Now there’s a Pinch Two! - Yeah, that’s pretty good You’re not taking this mission. You never qualified as a countersniper! I would have! Ya know, if I’d gone to the thing. Yeah, well, if your aunt had balls she’d be your uncle. - What? - There’s your Pinch Two! So I’ll just be taking these And me! Nooope! Lana, please this is perfect for my role! You have to have to have to! No, this is the real thing, Rona. Which is why it’s a job for a man. Which is why shut up because I, and Rona, am and are taking the mission! Ohmigod, this is gonna be Don’t! Say it! I swear to God! Amaaazing. Isn’t this amazing? Not really, no. Actually kinda wish I’d let Archer take this one But we’re like, keeping the world free for democracy or whatever! Not if I can’t take out the KGB sniper team, God knows where they are There’s about a bajillion hide-sites around here And a hidden transmitter in your rifle scope. You dumb idiot? I’m sorry? You should be! Look, I took this call as a courtesy to Rona, okay? Which now I’m regretting, because what kinda facacta bullshit is this?! "Disavowed" is a spy thriller! Well, which is why we want to change the title, to To what, "Mandingo Two"?! Wait, hang on, hang on, Jeannie?! Anybody doing a "Mandingo" sequel?! When can you get me a treatment? - I, I - Two weeks. Ya got a week, we’re calling it "Mandingo Two, The Enslavening!" Well, Cyril? We did it. Yeah we kinda did, didn’t we? A taut, sexy thriller Oh yes, take me! Take me, Cassius! Ohmigod Lana, you seem really tense. You know what I do when I’m tense? No, but I bet you’re gonna tell us - Kelp tape! - What? It’s amazing, these like, kung-fu monks make this fifty-foot tape, like a cloth measuring tape but it’s kelp, and you swallow it over like three days then you start to, ya know, pass it, then you just slowly slowly pull it out of you over three more days Wait, what? And it pulls all the toxins out of your body and you just feel so clean! Yeah? While you’re tangled up in a half-mile of shit-covered tape? Frickin actresses. Okay, time for a little tension-relief of my own And you know what else is great, colonics Will you shut up, I gotta window opening up at dammit, there’s another one! This is so exciiiiting! And another one, shit, and another! But that’s not all! If you order now, you’ll also receive No way! Yup. He’s down. But not forgotten. Come, Kreigerbots! Avenge your fallen comrade! What voice is that? Is that from ***? Dammit, they’re everywhere! There’s too many, I can’t Lemme help, tell me how to help! Shut up and grab that spotter scope, and tell me where they are! Okay, there’s a nice way to do that. Will you just?! Okay, there’s a, wait, no that’s a ohmigod I can see my penthouse! Well unless there’s a sniper in it Well somebody’s in it! Who the [BEEP] is in my penthouse?! We are! We’re complying, You! Get yer frickin hands up! You’re not my supervisor! Shut up, we’re gonna go to prison! No we’re not, just say the right stuff and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months. I just this second realized why you do macramÃ© instead of knitting. Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that. She’s got a weapon, drop it, drop it! You’re not my supervisor!! God Damn him! I told him no parties! - Gimme it, gimme! - Hey, what the shit?! Rona, stop! This is a serious ow! situation. I know and ohmigod I am so sorry! Please please please don’t hate me! Unghh what’s wrong with me? It’s tetrodoxin, from the fugu fish. Whuh?! - Yeah, what?! - I’m a Russian sleeper, silly! Jesus Lana, how did you not see that?! Oh, I never got to tell this. Well, my parents were sleepers in L.A. - still are, love them - and we were encouraged to, ya know, blend, and so I ended up being an actress. Ohmigod I know, but the lengths they go to, lookit me, you have no idea. Is my new favorite device of ever. I mean it, with the scnhozz and the combover yer a dead ringer for Karl Malden! C’mon, buddy Lana hush. If you sit quietly, the poison should wear off in like, four hours But if you struggle, your heart could Freeze! Wait, where’d she oww! Shit! And we wouldn’t want that. - Ammit!- Ohmigod there’s Kolchenko’s motorcade! This’d be such an amazing finish for "Disavowed!" So bummed I won’t be able to work on it now Ohmigod, on anything! Ohmigod, I won’t be famous anymore! Not in the good way! Ohmigod, and the money?! Last year I took home almost two hundred grand In gift bags. - Oh. - Oh. Ya think?! Now some old guys in some country I’ve never even been to expect me to throw all that away for some lame, whatever, ideology?! So on’t oo it! I know, right? Is that crazy?! - Ess! - But if I do there’s some amazing stuff happening in Soviet cinema And they promised me I could direct. Uh-uhhh Yeah. Kolchenko’s down that is so gross! Kelp tape! And Lana, promise me you’ll try it, especially after this. It reeally pulls the toxins out. Oh, and please read "The Unleashing Of Me" and please please please don’t beat yourself up over this! You are a sexy, empowered woman! Mm. And speaking of, wish me luck on my directing career! Which is gonna be - M-mm! - Own say it! Amaaaazing! I’m out! Ow long ee say iss suff lass? Or ours. O muh er gehing off on iss! Ann?