Copy Machine

This article is a transcript of Beavis and Butt-Head episode, "Copy Machine" from season 8, which aired on December 8, 2011, along with "Holding".

Plot
[opening theme song]

Coach Buzzcut - Due to a new school board edict, we will not be runningball-handling drills today. We will be building empathy. Do you know what empathy is, BUTT-HEAD?

Butt-Head - Uh, is that, like, something to do with ball-handling?

Coach Buzzcut - SHUT UP! Empathy. Empathy is when you feel what someone else is feeling. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

Butt-Head - Uh, feel someone else?

Coach Buzzcut - SHUT UP! Now, you will take these self-esteem worksheets, and you will make copies.

Butt-Head - Uh, you mean, like, with the copy machine?

Beavis - Yeah, yeah. Cool.

Coach Buzzcut - Yes. But let me be clear. You will only copy the worksheet. You will not copy your butts again. DO YOU UNDERSTAND, BEAVIS?

Beavis - So, um, do not copy my butt?

Coach Buzzcut - Say it again!

Beavis - Do not copy my butt.

Coach Buzzcut - Again!

[Beavis and Butt-Head head to the copy room with the worksheets]

Beavis - Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt.

Butt-Head - I can't hear you.

Beavis - Do not copy my butt! Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Copy my butt. Copy my butt. Copy my butt. My butt. My butt. My butt. My-

Butt-Head - Hey, Beavis. You know what would be cool? You should, like, copy your butt.

Beavis - Oh, yeah, yeah.

[he gets up on the copy machine to copy his butt, but the glass breaks and screams]

Butt-Head - That was cool.

Beavis - My butt!

[a clip from True Life plays]

Butt-Head - Your butt went through the glass.

Beavis - Ah! Ah, I can't move. Ah!

School Nurse - It's going to be okay. Now, Butt-Head, you have a very important role here. You need to keep your friend calm. Just take his hand. [grabs Beavis' hand]

Butt-Head - Uh, no, thanks.

[fireman come in to rescue Beavis]

Principal McVicker - Uh, hurry up and get that moron out of there. I need that copier fixed.

Fireman - Sir, we can't move him. His femoral artery may be cut. I just can't see. The only way to look is by moving him off the copier. But if we move him, he could bleed out.

Butt-Head - Uh, I know a way to look.

Fireman - Yeah, what's that?

Butt-Head - You could copy his butt.

Beavis - Yeah, that would be cool. Ow!

Biology Teacher - I don't care about the risk to that idiot. If you don't get him out, you risk 30 kids in my class failing a standardized test. Now, pull him out and fix it!

Coach Buzzcut - Yes. And I need those self-esteem flyers.

Fireman - Okay, okay, look, here's what we can do. We'll take the upper carriage of the copier off, and we'll move him with it. Anything else is too risky. Tom, go get the jaws of life.

Man - [comes in] W-w-w-whoa. Hold on a second.

Biology Teacher - Oh, thank god you're here.

Man - You take that carriage off,your gonna be waiting a long time for your tests and flyers and such.That baby's gonna take three days to repair, minimum.

Butt-Head - You're gonna die.

[fade to black]

Jim - I'm here live at Highland High School, where a local teenager is still trapped in the copier. The only thing holding his femoral artery together is a shard of glass stuck in his rectum. As you can see behind me, these brave firemen will be using the jaws of life to extract him, but don't think for one second that this will be resolved easily. There will be dangers throughout. And this young teenager could bleed out and die at any moment.

Man - You start sawing through that thing, you can say goodbye to your toner and light generator, too. And don't count on seeing a test or a menu till next week.

Fireman - [gets ready to saw] ;Well, we either saw through the machine, or we saw through the boy.

Butt-Head - Uh, I say saw through the boy. That would be cool.

Man - Just pull him out.

Lady - No, no, the school is liable.

Biology Teacher - You gotta be kidding me.

Lady - This is ridiculous. Just do it!

Butt-Head - [pushes button] I want to see your female artery.

Man - What are you doing? No, no, no, no!

Beavis - Cut it out, Butt-Head. Aah! Ow, my butt! Ow! Ah! [gets off the copy machine]

Fireman - Eh, I guess it wasn't his femoral artery. Looks like it's just lacerations to the rectum.

Jim - Although he is now out of the copier, do not think for one second that this young teenager's saga is over.

[fade to Benny Benassi featuring Gary Go - "Cinema"]

Jim - Don't think for even a second that the trauma and tragedy of this amazing rescue has abated. I'm interviewing noted tv psychologist and diet expert Dr. Jean Shepard about the long road to recovery ahead. Tell us, Dr. Shepard, what challenges will young Beavis face when he is reintegrated into society?

Dr. Shepard - It's going to be a long road, Jim. The life Beavis knew before is over.Even in the best-case scenario, he will not only be scarred rectally, he will be scarred psychologically as well.

Jim - From Highland high school, I am a very relieved Jim Baxley. Back to you, Miguel.

Fireman - [puts stitches on Beavis] Now, those stitches will dissolve on their own.

Butt-Head - Yeah, into his butt.

Fireman - [leaves] I guess that's it, everybody.

Principal McVicker - Uh, you're lucky that you almost died, or you would be in big trouble. Uh, if you ever try to copy your butt again, I will have you expelled from the entire school system!

Beavis - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't copy my butt. Don't copy my butt. Yeah. I wonder what my butt looks like with all those stitches. Let's see here [looks at it]

Butt-Head - Probably looks like a baseball.

Beavis- Can't see 'em.

Butt-Head - Hey, Beavis, why don't you take a picture of it? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, That's a good idea, yeah. Get up here, and just---

[he gets up on the copy machine again to take a picture of his butt, but the glass breaks and screams]