The Workplace Proximity


 * (The scene of Howard at Raj's apartment)
 * Howard: Ooh, shrimp was spicy.
 * Raj: You want a TUMS?
 * Howard: You got the tropical fruit kind?
 * Raj: No, if I buy those, I just go through them like candy.
 * Howard: Tell me about it. One time, I swear I pooped out a stick of chalk. (Knock on door) I’ll get it.
 * Raj: Thanks.
 * (Howard opens the door and in comes a still-unhappy Bernadette)
 * Bernadette: (sadly) Hi.
 * Howard: Oh, hi.
 * Bernadette: I may have overreacted.
 * Howard: Well, yeah, well, I didn't handle it so great either.
 * Bernadette: (she speaks to him crossly) Just sometimes I feel like you enjoy spending time with your friends more than with me.
 * Howard: That’s not true.
 * Bernadette: (she really is very cross by this) It’s not? You spend all day together at work and then you all hang out at night playing games, going to the comic book store. Last week you two got a couple’s massage.
 * (Howard thinks for a second and Raj nods his head grumpily whilst concentrating on the game)
 * Bernadette: (she's even more cross) When you said you wouldn't want to spend that much time with me, it really hurt my feelings.
 * Howard: Oh wow, yeah, I get that. I’m so sorry. Starting tomorrow I am turning over a new leaf. Being with you is my number one priority.
 * (They kiss each other for second and Bernadette frowns at him for one last second)
 * Bernadette: (she asks Howard crossly for the final time) Why tomorrow?
 * Howard: Well, we’re real close to finishing off the new Batman game.
 * Raj: (muttering) It is awesome.
 * (Bernadette now leaves the doorway of Raj's apartment angrily without saying a word)
 * Raj: Uh, you should probably go after her.
 * Howard: (calls for her) Should I go after you?
 * Bernadette: (Yelling angrily off-screen and out of sight) No!
 * Howard: (snaps angrily at Raj) Thanks for getting me in trouble.
 * (Raj looks puzzled at the way Howard yelled at him).


 * (The scene of Sheldon at the door of Amy's apartment)
 * Sheldon: (Knock..knock..knock). Amy. (Knock..knock..knock). Amy. (Knock..knock..knock). Amy.
 * (a wide-awake Amy opens the door grumpily)
 * Amy: (she's asking Sheldon crossly) Sheldon, what are you doing here so late?
 * Sheldon: I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh speaking of which. Do you want some mutton and coconut milk?
 * Amy: No.
 * Sheldon: Boy, I cannot give this stuff away.
 * Amy: What do you want?
 * Sheldon: Amy, this isn't easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions and frankly who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.
 * Amy: Sheldon, you’re not a weirdo.
 * Sheldon: I wasn't speaking about me. I mean honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humor, your funniest kind of humor.
 * Amy: What’s your point?
 * Sheldon: My point is we’re a couple and I like you for who you are quirks and all.
 * Amy: I like you too.
 * Sheldon: I should hope so. I don’t see anyone else banging on this door willing to put up with your nonsense.
 * (Amy slams the door in his face).
 * Sheldon: Not even a goodbye. You see, that’s the kind of thing that makes people think you’re weird. Poor kid, she just doesn't see it.


 * (The scene of the ladies at Penny's apartment where they are all drinking glasses of wine together. Bernadette has just finished pouring hers).
 * Bernadette: So, Amy, what are you gonna be working on at Caltech?
 * Amy: I’m leading a study to see if deficiency of the monoamine oxidase enzyme leads to paralyzing fear in monkeys.
 * Bernadette: If they’re anything like humans, the answer’s yes.
 * Amy: Wait, you’ve, you’ve done this experiment on humans?
 * Bernadette: You mean like death row inmates with nothing to lose? No, that would be unethical.
 * Penny: You know, not a lot of people know this, but the monoamine oxidase enzyme was discovered by a woman, Mary Bernheim.
 * (Bernadette and Amy look at Penny in surprise)
 * Penny: That’s right, my phone is just as smart as you guys.
 * (We now hear Sheldon's voice in the background)
 * Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny.
 * Bernadette: He’s not going to stop doing that, is he?
 * Amy: I don’t mind. I’m hoping to put his love of repetition to good use some day.
 * (Bernadette and Penny look disgusted at each other. Sheldon stands in the doorway)
 * Sheldon: Hi. Um, I’ve reconsidered. Uh, you can’t work where I work. Enjoy the rest of your evening.
 * Amy: Sheldon. I already signed the contract. I cashed a cheque.
 * Sheldon: Mmm, you are not going to come out of this looking good.
 * Penny: Sheldon, I don’t understand. I thought you said you were fine with it.
 * Sheldon: Well, I was. That was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other.
 * (Bernadette gets up from the couch and slams her glass of wine down onto the table)
 * Bernadette: (she's gasping crossly) He said what?!
 * Sheldon: Oh don’t be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious.
 * Bernadette: (she now storms off to Apartment 4A in fury) Excuse me, I need to have a chat with my husband.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, well, now, well, keep it short. From what I gather, brevity is your friend.
 * (He makes a 'tut' when he sees that Bernadette has ignored him)
 * Sheldon: (He now returns to face Amy) So, are we good here?
 * Amy: (cross with Sheldon) No, we’re not good here. I am working on this project.
 * Penny: (she's cross with Sheldon too) Yeah, and you can’t tell her what she can and cannot do.
 * Sheldon: Last week, you told Leonard he couldn’t wear his Wookie jacket out in public.
 * Penny: That’s different. I’m not going to the mall with someone dressed like a dumb space bear.
 * (Amy is now very firm with Sheldon)
 * Amy: Sheldon, you don’t have to worry about me bothering you. I’ll be in a different building. And we don’t even have to have lunch together.
 * Sheldon: Really?
 * Amy: Yes. Before all things, I’m a scientist. I’m just there to do my work and, with a little luck, scare the living crap out of some monkeys.
 * Sheldon: Hmm. (he thinks for a second) You sure your mothlike personality won’t be drawn to this blazing fire that is myself?
 * Amy: More and more sure.
 * Sheldon: Well, then, you have my permission.
 * Amy: I didn’t ask for your permission.
 * Sheldon: Too late. No backsies.
 * (Amy now slams the door just as Sheldon enters Apartment 4A. no slam of the door is heard).
 * Howard: (he is shouting at his very cross wife) No, no, listen to me. Sheldon misunderstood. What I meant was, if we worked together, there’d be too much of me for you, not the other way around.
 * Sheldon: Howard, if you’re going to lie to your wife, don’t start the sentence with Sheldon misunderstood. That’s a dead giveaway.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Howard a 1st question crossly) Well?
 * Howard: Okay, fine. I did say that, and I think it’s true. I think if we worked together and lived together, we’d get sick of each other.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, but to be fair, he only said the part about him getting sick of you.
 * Howard: (He's yelling at Sheldon) For the love of God, why?
 * (Sheldon nervously walks away from Howard and Bernadette's argument)
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Howard a 2nd question crossly) What exactly do you think you’d get sick of?
 * Raj: His only options here are to fake a heart attack or have a real one.
 * Howard: (stammers) It’s nothing in particular. I…
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Howard a 3rd question crossly) Is it my voice? Am I too bossy? What?
 * (Scene of Howard rubbing his right arm)
 * Howard: My arm is feeling numb.
 * (Scene of Bernadette looking at Howard's arm crossly and Pan to the scene of Leonard and Raj on the couch)
 * Leonard: (he talks sarcastically to Raj) Nailed it.
 * (Raj just nods his head)
 * Bernadette: (she's still completely angry) That’s the wrong arm for a heart attack, doofus.
 * Howard: (switches to his left arm) My point is, I’m sure there are things about me that would drive you crazy if you had to deal with them all day long.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Howard a 4th question crossly) Like looking me in the eye and lying to me?
 * (Bernadette now marches off in a huff whilst Howard still rows at her)
 * Howard: Oh, well, come on, where am I supposed to look when I lie to you?
 * (Bernadette gets to the door and looks at her husband for one last second)
 * Bernadette: (she yells at him with complete anger for the final time) Find somewhere else to sleep tonight!
 * Howard: Bernie…
 * (Bernadette has now slammed the door in Howard's face and she's now gone off in a huff).
 * Sheldon: If it makes you feel any better, Amy and I are fine.
 * (Howard looks puzzled and silent)
 * Sheldon: I mean, really good.


 * Amy: And this is Dr. Gunderson from Stockholm.
 * Sheldon: Aw, Sweden. Home of my favorite Muppet and second favorite meatball. OK. The Nordic reputation for a lack of humor is well founded. Wait. Is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson?
 * Amy: Where are we going with this, Dr. Cooper?
 * Sheldon: Oh, please. I’m your boyfriend. Call me Sheldon. That’s right. I’m in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool.
 * Amy: Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: It is a physical relationship too. Hand holding; hugging; even on hot days. Ow! Here’s an new one. Apparently now we kick each other in the shin under the table. How do you like it when I do it to you? Not so much, huh?


 * (The scene in Amy's lab where Amy is working with a monkey)
 * Amy: Test subject D7, aka Betsy, fear response study. Image number one, Frenchman on bicycle carrying baguettes.
 * (She taps the keyboard and looks at the monkey a few seconds. a tiny muted squeak from the monkey is heard)
 * Amy: No visible reaction. Image number two, sousaphone.
 * (She taps the keyboard again, the monkey looks up for a second,
 * Amy': Still no reaction. Okay. Let’s kick things up a notch. Image number three, crocodile with a mouthful of monkeys.
 * (The monkey squeaks loudly and backs away for a couple of seconds)
 * Amy: Okay, now we’re talking.
 * (we now see Sheldon entering the lab)
 * Sheldon: Dr. Fowler?
 * (We now hear a quiet sigh from Amy)
 * Amy: (asking him crossly) What do you want, Sheldon?
 * Sheldon: Well, I’m done with work, so… ugh!
 * Amy: Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, uh, better?
 * Sheldon: Oh, baguettes. Yes, I like baguettes. What exactly are you doing?
 * Amy: (sighs and speaks to him grumpily) Determining baseline fear levels in capuchin monkeys by measuring their response to visual stimuli.
 * Sheldon: So, goofing off. (Amy shakes her head slowly) As I was saying, I’m done with work and Leonard’s not. So good news, you get to take me home. Play your cards right, I’ll let you drive me past the lot where the buses park at night.
 * Amy: (informs him crossly) I can’t leave now, Sheldon. I’m very busy. Besides, why would I want to do you a favour after the way you treated me in the cafeteria? Image number four, boa constrictor.
 * (The monkey and Sheldon do 'Ugh' expressions at the same time. Amy looks confused at the way both the monkey and Sheldon are acting. Sheldon then asks Amy a question)
 * Sheldon: What on earth are you talking about? My behavior in the cafeteria was delightful. Maybe your friend Gunderson needs to head over to IKEA and assemble a sense of humour.
 * Amy: (She is now really cross with him) You embarrassed me in front of my colleagues on my first day here. (Sheldon gazes) Image number five, kitten in a teacup.
 * (The monkey and Sheldon both turn their heads down at the computer screen)
 * Sheldon: Aw. Embarrassed you?
 * Amy: (getting even more cross) You know what? I don’t have time for this. Find another way home.
 * Sheldon: I’m starting to get the sense that you’re angry with me.
 * Amy: Really? What tipped you off?
 * Sheldon: Couple things, actually. Your tone of voice, your body language…
 * Amy: (orders him angrily) Get out.
 * Sheldon: Well, now, that.
 * Amy: Image number six, woman giving birth.
 * (Sheldon cover his eyes and the monkey covers his head)
 * Sheldon: Bleugh!
 * (Amy takes a final glare at the way they are acting)


 * (The first ending scene at the bar of the Cheesecake Factory to which Bernadette and Amy are still very cross at their significant other's attitude whilst Penny is sorting out some coasters on the counter).
 * Bernadette: (she's still very cross with Howard) I’m not apologizing to Howard. He can come begging on his knees.
 * Amy: (she's still very cross with Sheldon) Sheldon too. If I see him at work. I’m just going to ignore him.
 * Penny: (gives them a very good advice) All right, don’t worry. I talked to Leonard. He is gonna sit the guys down and set them straight.
 * (The second ending scene of the men with safety goggles, blue balloons and laser equipment in their apartment)
 * Leonard: (at the laser sound machine) Laser’s warmed up.
 * Howard: Pull.
 * (Howard fires his laser gun at the first blue balloon which suddenly pops instantly)
 * All 4 Guys: Yeah!


 * Penny: Awkward silence. Sheldon on his phone. No touching. Somebody’s having date night.
 * Amy: It’s actually steamier than it looks. Sheldon’s looking up the phallic symbolism of root vegetables in Renaissance paintings.
 * Sheldon: Oh, no, I got bored with that. I’m just browsing cuticle scissors on Amazon.
 * Penny: How do you not tear off his clothes and take him right here on this table?
 * Sheldon: If you do that, I’ll scream.
 * Amy: Sheldon, I have some exciting news to tell you.
 * Sheldon: That makes two of us. My new cuticle scissors will be here in one to two business days. Come on, one.
 * Amy: I’ve been invited to consult on an experiment at your university for a few months. Isn’t that great? We could have lunch together. We could carpool.
 * Sheldon: You know, riding with Leonard has gotten a little tedious lately. The only car game he ever wants to play is the Quiet Game. And he’s terrible at it, I always win.
 * Amy: So, you’re okay with this?
 * Sheldon: Well, why wouldn’t I be?
 * Amy: Well, this project would have us working in close proximity to one another. And there’s the vulgar adage that one should not defecate where one eats.
 * Sheldon: My father used to say that all the time. That and, um, who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here? But what does that have to do with you working at the university?
 * Amy: Sheldon, don’t defecate where you eat means don’t have a romantic relationship in the workplace.
 * Sheldon: Really?
 * Amy: Yes.
 * Sheldon: Huh. Yeah, I always took it literally. That’s why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant. Hmm.
 * Amy: I’m relieved that you don’t have a problem with us working together.
 * Sheldon: Not as relieved as I’m about to be. It’s a brave new world, little lady.