Mac & Charlie Die Part 2

Well, I guess this is probably, this is probably gonna be it so we should, we should get started. What to say about Mac. He certainly was angry. - Burn the duster! - I'm not burning the duster! Okay, I'm not burning the duster. All right, that's crazy. That's like, that's insane. Why would I ever burn, I mean, come on. I will continue to wear it, in his honor. And I will burn some other things. You know maybe like these, stupid goddamn sleeveless t-shirts that he wants retired and hung up in the bar. I'll burn these. But I am not burning the duster, okay? So forget it. It probably won't even burn anyway. It's not supposed to it's flame-retardant. That's like the whole point. It's like a shield of armor, so stop asking me to burn the duster. I'm not gonna burn it! So, end of story, you know. Let's just move on. So Yeah, all right. Well, uh, thank you. Come on. No. - I'm not doing it. - Come on. Deandra, get on that stage. Before, uh, Mac and Charlie died they made a slideshow. And, uh, we're going to play a song that was a favorite of theirs. Go ahead. It's all the same Only the names have changed Every day, it seems we're wasting away Another place, where the faces are so cold I'd drive all night, just to get back home I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride I'm wanted, dead or alive I miss you, Charlie. This is bullshit, dude. No one's mourning me properly. What are you talking about, man? Your mom's sitting right there. She's mourning you. Yeah, she watched an entire episode of Mama's Familyand fell asleep. And now, I'm going to give them the one gun salute. No, you're not! All right. Oh, my God! Let go! Wow, that was great and very touching. Thanks so much for coming, both of you. Time to go. See you at the next one. Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie, aww, it's going to be okay. I'll tell you what, why don't you go into the bathroom, go into the center stall, I got a little surprise for you. It's going to cheer you up. That's okay, Frankie. I don't need to go potty. Oh, damn it. Can you believe it, sis? They're actually gone. - This changes everything. - I need a ride home. No, no, no. Can't do that, sis. I got to get back home ASAP and meet a couple potential new roommates. Hot ones! You know what I'm saying? All right, hey, it's time to move on. Would you mind not breathing directly into my mouth? No thoughts on that? You're not going to say anything? You're just going to stare at me? That's what you're bringing to the table? That's great. I'm gonna could you excuse me? Excuse me. Sir Goddamn. Thanks, I'm just gonna Excuse me. No, of course, let me do it. Thanks. Hi. Oh, my God, freak show back there. Ma'am, I'm going to need for you to step behind the line. Yeah, look, as you can probably tell, I'm not really a bus person. It's just, a couple of dicks destroyed my car and then forced me to lower myself to this, so if you could just cut me some slack, because I don't know if you've been back there, but animals. You're touching me. That doesn't this isn't weird for you? Ma'am, either you get behind the line or your ride ends here. - I'm behind the line. - You're on the line. On the line, behind the line, who cares?! That's it. I'm pulling the bus over. No, goddamn it, don't pull the bus over, all right? Really?! Okay, fine, you know what? I will go back behind the line with the rest of the filthy degenerates. But I am not happy about it, lady. Excuse me! Oh, my really? Oh, my God. Oh, no, you stay put. I'll get it. On the floor of a bus On the floor of a filthy bus. Excuse me for just a sec! Damn it, dude. I can't believe Dee finally caught on and cancelled her credit cards. This is really not good, dude. Now we don't have any beans. We don't have any beer, dude. We're shit out of luck, bro. All right, I'll tell you what. We'll get back to the bar. We'll get some beer there, at least we'll have that. Not a bad idea. In the meantime, I need a popper, all right. I got to get my head straight. I got a little bad news on the popper front. - This is the last one, dude. - Shit! Really? All right, well, I think I should get it. - Not going to have it. - Can I just have it? - Bro? - Can I just have it? - Will you let me do the poppers? - I just want it. - I just need it, dude. - The poppers person. Give me the popper, dude! I need that popper, bro! I got to have the popper! Oh, you son of a bitches! Hey, look out. Look out! Hey, you jerks! Goddamn it! Hey! No, stop the bus! Stop the bus! Shut up! You shut up, bitch! Stop the bus! Sir? Sir, I just I need to pull the cord to get off the bus. This is my stop. You're in my way. Can you get out of the way so I can pull the cord? I'll get out of your way as soon as I get off Oh, my God, what is wrong with you? Goddamn it, you bitches! Good-bye, Mac's shit. Good-bye, Mac's shit. Good-bye, Mac's shit. Good-bye come on, dude. When were you ever going to use nunchakus? Are you kidding me? Yeah, hang on one second. Yeah, it's perfect. Hello. Uh, hi. Um, can I help you? You're looking for a roommate, right? Uh, yeah. Yeah, I was looking for two, actually. Female. I believe I was pretty clear in the ad here. "Male, 30, looking for Three's Company type deal. Did Odd Couplething for past decade, looking for something new. " Yeah, I did the Three's Company thing once. It was pretty cool for like a week, and then I banged one of them. - Oh nice. - Not nice. Do you know what this is like? Banging the chicks that you live with? It's terrible, man. Every day you have to deal with this. Get out, lady. Wow, yeah, I guess I never really thought about that before. You know, you're you're much smarter than my old roommate. Yeah, look, I'm going to be upfront with you. I run with a pretty wild crew. There's probably going to be chicks over here, like, all the time. I'm into some pretty crazy shit. Here's the best part: I don't even know most of their names. Oh, yes! It's like You know, I've been trying to get into the anonymous sex thing lately. - Oh, yeah? - Now, are you, uh, European? Oh, I'm sorry. What gave it away? Nice. Yeah, well, you know, I could probably consider, like, a, uh,Perfect Strangers type of deal. Look, I like this by the way. This is a sweet duster. First, he doesn't burn the duster, and now he's looking for new roommates? Why did you want to burn that duster anyway? Because he always wears it with no shirt and a shitload of cologne. It's totally ruined. - Hello, bitches! - Jesus Christ, Dee! You scared the shit out of me. I almost dropped all my beer. I knew you two weren't dead. What are you doing popping out of our tent? Not cool, Dee! Oh, not cool? Oh, I'll tell you what's not cool. Crashing my car into a building, exploding a grenade inside of it and then convincing your friends your family that you're dead. That's one of the cooler things you could ever do. That's really unbelievably cool. - I suggest you try it - Cooler than I thought it was. I don't know why you're up here doing whatever it is that you're doing, and I don't care. What I do care about, is my 1997 Dodge Neon. So here's the deal. You two monkeys are going to get me a new 1997 Dodge Neon, or I'm going to go and tell Frank and Dennis that you faked your own deaths and you're hiding up on the roof. Well, now you're just talking crazy. You can't buy a new 1997 Dodge Neon. - You can buy an old one - Okay, new to me. Dee, you got bigger problems, because my dad just got out of jail, and he's coming to kill you. What?! Me? Are you sure? Kill you, kill us, kill everybody really. He's going to kill everyone. Why would you not tell me this news earlier? Oh, my God, get off our case, Dee, all right? What's done is done. Look, Mac and I are hobo drifters now, okay? We don't dwell on the past. No, hobo drifters live in the present. So look, if you really want to get back at Frank and Dennis, you got to fake your own death. I don't want to get back at Frank and Dennis. I want to get at you two. Really is that what? What? Is that what your plan was? I tuned out during the whole tirade. She said the 1997 Dodge Neon thing and I totally lost her. All right, Dee, I'll tell you what, here's the plan. Why don't you fake your own death like us? It really is the only thing you can do now 'cause you're in this too deep. Look, you want to die? Now what's your bean situation? You got some beans on you, or what's up? Good-bye, son. Aw, man, I got to tell you, this is awesome. It's making me forget that Mac ever even died. Oh, yeah, just relax, roommate. I'm going to relax. I'm going to relax all over the place in a second. Shit. Jan? All right, I got to get this. Hey, Dennis. Really? What do you want? Hey, I just wanted to let you know I was going to go for a quick jog in Fairmont Park by myself. Oh, yeah? Great. Okay, have fun. But, it's kind of dangerous. Yeah, I got it, Dee. - I don't know if you noticed - Go jogging! Ang go ! What's this have to do with me? Just me out there in the middle of the night in the dark by myself. Really? Sorry about her, I She was a bag I hate her. Which one do you want first? Huh, Greta or Sasha? Oh, no. No, shit, bro. Why'd you do that, bro? Come here, man. - What did I do? - You said their names. Come on, man, that kills it for me. Look, bro, can I be honest with you? This is great and all, but I was really hoping for more of like a, you know, anything goes, crazy European sex party kind of a thing. - Something a little kinkier. - Kinky ? Oh, kinky. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I like this. You like this, we like this. Yeah, let me make some calls. Do you think you could put something like that together? Of course I can, man. I'm European. Oh! That's It looks like he's got a lot of new friends. Yes, I can see that, Charlie. Some of them are really pretty girls. Yes, they are very pretty. Wow, that's tough, man. That's a tough thing to see. Shut up, dude. I'll bet you Frank is throwing a party, too. It's your turn to take the bedpan out tonight. "Little freak! I did it last time!" No, Charlie, I got up in the middle of the night, and I walked down the hallway with the bedpan. "All right, Frank, I'll do it, only because I like you so much". I like you, too, Charlie. I like you, too, New Charlie. You know what, man? I'm kicking it up a notch. - We're haunting these bitches. - Haunting's cool, man. - Coming back from the grave, bitch. - All right, that's cool. What is this? What are you doing, like Poltergeistor something? - Awesome, right? - No, no. Craig T. Nelson. Craig T. Nelson is the best, dude, but Poltergeist? - What ? - It's not scary. It's all about psychological damage. Big deal, look at me. Psychological damage up to here. It doesn't do anything for me, you know? Physical damage, that's what's gonna irritate people. All right, what do you suggest? Well, I mean, if anything, maybe we tie some knives to our fingers and we get a little more serious about this whole murder thing. - Haunting. - Haunting! - We're gonna haunt them. - I'm sorry, I was thinking Oh, my God, I'm so happy to see you. Oh, God, I had the weirdest night. It was crazy. As soon as I left Dennis's place, I realized I don't have a car, right, so I actually do have to run home by myself through the park in the middle of the night. So I'm on Spring Garden Street, and this big car full of gangbangers Okay, gangbangers. That is an awesome story, Dee. That's the end of it, right? That could be the end of the story? Charlie and I are right in the middle of something. Check it out, we're gonna put some knives on our fingers and start murdering people. - Haunting people. - Haunting. - We're gonna haunt people. - Whatever. You're gonna do like a Poltergeistthing? - That's Dennis. - That's Dennis. Hey, ladies, like I said, pop them off. Start popping them off. Oh, I love it, I love it. Hey, feel free to be free. No American judgments here. The only rule is: don't tell me your names. I don't want to know your names, okay? "Hi, I'm Charlie. Frankie, I love these girls. " Frank, what are you doing, man ? You're freaking the girls out with this mannequin. Get rid of it. Dennis, these girls are German. German. "We're gonna have demented sex, right, Frank?" That is the greatest party I've ever seen. These sons of bitches! Is he gonna take that stupid little mannequin everywhere, man? - That is freaking me out. - Move past the mannequin. They're just hanging out with a bunch of half naked ladies, and I just ran and sweated for absolutely nothing? Yeah, I don't sound like that, all right. - Goddamn it. Get past it. - Who cares about the mannequin? I care about the mannequin! I look like a jerk in front of those girls. I'm putting an end to this right now. Yeah, dude, screw your dad. Let him eat our asses. Let him eat my butt into smithereens. I'm ending this. Let's not be rash, right? I mean, come on. Look, if we're not gonna haunt them, we should have a little fun, right? Let's scare the shit out of them. - We got to make an entrance. - Oh, let's scare the shit out of them. Jan, this is what I want, man. You've given me what I want. Look, I have this very kinky surprise for you, my friend. I've arranged for you to use the glory hole! I forgot about the glory hole. - I just sent someone in there now. - Yeah ? Totally anonymous. There are no words, man. That's right, I'm the boss. But I'm a good boss, and I'm gonna allow you to watch. "Okay, Frankie!" Somebody's coming. Any minute now, the German broad is gonna knock on that wall, which is my signal to go in my pants, take out my penis and stick it through the hole. Then, she can go to town. Hey, honey, you want to take care of this monster for me or what ? There is no way I can picture that is a girl. What the hell are you doing here, man? - Jan sent me. - Jan sent me, too. This is bad. Everybody out! Okay, there has been a major miscommunication. Get your European, sex-freaky asses out of the bar. Let's go, come on. Come on, move it. Move it, that's right. Go, go, go! Get out! Let's go, ladies. Let's go, let's go. Get out, get out, get out, get out. - Hey, you too, Jan. - Hey, beat it. - What did I do? - What did you do? Jan, you were gonna have him "glory hole" me. - Yeah. - Yeah, my ass. Get out of here. You sex freak, go! Americans are so uptight. You ruined our glory hole. Beat it and shut the door. Sick freak. You didn't know anything Weirdo. What ? Surprise, bitches! We're alive, and it's blowing your minds right now. No, it is not blowing our minds at all. I knew you guys were alive. Yeah, I knew you guys were alive, okay? I figured it out right before the funeral. How? 'Cause I could hear you guys rustling around in the vents. You were speaking at full volume, okay? Did you think you were being, like, crafty? I could see you staring at me through the window. You know I can see through my windows, right? - I wanted to piss you off. - Well, what about me? Did you want to piss me off? You, I thought, might have actually been murdered. That's what I thought. That's what I thought, okay? Frank, you knew, too? Yeah I knew. And some of the stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's like to teach me a lesson or? Did I see you bang that thing? All right, you know what, let's just But why were you guys pretending that you were dead anyway? That's a really messed up thing to do. My dad got out on parole. He's coming to kill me and Charlie. No, no, you got a letter the other day. - He sent a letter. - Who sent a letter? I got it, I got it. It was sent to the bar. "Dear son, I asked you to leave me be forced me to do something that I hoped I'd never have to do. " Oh, yeah, here we go. "I just got out of prison, and I'm heading to Tijuana. I wanted to get as far away from you as I could, so that I could learn how to forgive you. Please do not try to contact me ever. I promise that I'm not gonna hurt you. Love, Dad. P. S.
 * I still love you.

" See, 'cause we - This whole thing was - We didn't have to do all the Sorry about your car, Dee.