The Shiny Trinket Maneuver


 * Sheldon: (he's regarding Howard's trick of a coin in an ear) lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a  up my nose.
 * (the rest of the guys laugh)
 * Howard: How is that not amusing?
 * Sheldon: It's still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through.
 * (Sheldon leaves the kitchen)
 * Howard: Look, I made Sheldon disappear--tada!
 * Leonard: Next time, you should open with that.


 * Bernadette: Oh, you have a lot of magic stuff.
 * Howard: Yeah. I started when I was a teenager. I thought I could show a girl a few tricks and invite her up to my bedroom to see the rest of the act.
 * Bernadette: Did it work?
 * Howard: Ah, let’s just say the only wand that ever saw any action was this one. (The wands now falls apart_ Oh, look what my mom made us for the act.
 * Bernadette: Ooh. I like the fabric. Where’d she get it?
 * Howard: Well, she cut up one of her old bathing suits.
 * (He rummages through more magic stuff in the boxes)
 * Howard: She made these two vests and half a dozen napkins.
 * (Bernadette starts to look down for a second)
 * Mrs. Wolowitz (off) Has she tried on the vest yet?
 * Howard: (he yells to his mom) I just gave it to her!
 * Mrs. Wolowitz (off) I hope it fits, she has a tricky figure! She’s short and stacked, like me!
 * Howard: She’s not stacked like you, Ma! She never steps on hers!
 * Bernadette: (she informs him crossly) Listen, Howie, maybe I’m not the best choice to be a magician’s assistant.
 * Howard: You’ll do fine. Hand me those rings?
 * (Bernadette crossly picks up the rings )
 * Howard: (snatching them off her with happiness) See? You nailed it.
 * Bernadette: (speaks to him with a tiny piece of sadness) You know, i-it’s just that I’m not that comfortable with little kids.
 * Howard: Well, that’s because you haven’t been around them much. This is good practice. I mean, you are gonna be a mom someday, right?
 * Bernadette: (half-happy and half-cross) Mmm, yeah, sure.
 * Howard: Oh-ho-ho! I haven’t seen this trick in years.
 * (Bernadette walks up to him)
 * It’s called the dove pan. You let everyone see the pan is empty, but there’s a secret compartment in the lid. And then you open it and produce a live…
 * (feathers come flying out of the dove pan making Howard cough. He puts the dove box away. Bernadette looks at what he just did crossly)
 * Howard: (referring to the wardrobe) Don’t look in there.


 * (The scene of Howard and Bernadette's magic show at the birthday party)
 * Howard: And now, all the rings are magically linked together.
 * (The rings are now connected together and the kids are so not impressed)
 * Howard: My fiancee’s wearing a magic ring, too. It made all my money disappear.
 * (Here is the scene of a few unamused kids on the grass and pan back to the scene of Howard and Bernadette)
 * Bernadette: Oh, ah, right.
 * (Bernadette bangs drum and cymbal. She puts the drumsticks down and Howard puts the connected rings back into the briefcase)
 * Bernadette: (she announces to the kids) And now, the great Howdini's next miraculous illusion!
 * Kid #1: When are we gonna have cake?
 * Bernadette: (she snaps at Kid #1 with proudness) After you've been thoroughly amazed.
 * Kid #1: But we want cake now!
 * (Bernadette snaps at Kid #1 with proudness again)
 * Bernadette: Well, you're not getting cake right now, capisce?
 * Howard: (he chuckles for a couple of times) Okay. Okay.
 * (The scene of the kids getting more depressed)
 * Howard: Now, my lovely assistant is going to bring me an ordinary pitcher of milk.
 * Kid #2: I know how you do that trick.
 * Bernadette: (she's quite cross at what Kid #2 had said) Do you know how to pipe down?
 * (Kid #2 frowns for a second and pan back to the shot of Howard getting a newspaper out of the briefcase whilst Bernadette walks up to him with the milk pitcher).
 * Howard: Okay, we’re going to roll up this newspaper.
 * Kid #2: It's a fake pitcher
 * Bernadette: (she shouts at Kid #2 crossly) You got wax in your ears? The man said it’s an ordinary pitcher. (she now smiles to Howard) Howdini
 * Howard: Okay, we’re going to stick this in here (he puts newspaper into the waistband of his pants) and then I’m going to pour in the milk. I hope this works, because I didn’t bring a change of pants.
 * (the scene of Kid #2 putting up the mobile phone with the milk pitcher on it)
 * Kid #2: Look, I Googled it. it's a fake pitcher.
 * (The kids continue with their disinterest just as Bernadette now has a frowny face at what Kid #2 had just done)
 * Bernadette: (she is now really cross by this) That's it! no cake for you! (she's asking the kids crossly in a voice like Mrs. Wolowitz) Anyone else want to join the no cake club?
 * (the kids all look fed up and don't respond to Bernadette)
 * Howard: (he chuckles) She's just kidding boys and girls. Everyone gets cake.
 * (Bernadette indicates Kid #2 crossly to Howard)
 * Bernadette: (she whispers to Howard crossly) Not him!
 * (Kid #2 now looks miserable as ever. Bernadette still glares crossly at the kid)
 * Howard: Just give me the pitcher. (he takes the pitcher off Bernadette and clears his throat) Behold!
 * (Howard pours the milk through the folded newspaper hole. the milk pours out of the bottom hole of the folded newspaper on his pants like somebody urinating and the children finally laugh at this. Howard also looks at the milk marks in the middle of his pants).
 * Howard: Wrong pitcher.
 * (Bernadette is still not amused by all of this nonsense throughout the whole party)


 * (The nighttime scene where Bernadette driving Howard back to his mom's house in her car after their badly peformed magic show that they did at the children's birthday party had failed. Bernadette is still not very happy).
 * Bernadette: (she sighs and then speaks unhappily) I told you I’m not good with kids.
 * Howard: Yes, you did. (he groans) Oh, I think my crotch is starting to curdle.
 * Bernadette: (she complains for a little bit) The thing is, my mother worked full-time. I had to take care of my brothers and sisters.
 * Howard: Yeah, so?
 * Bernadette: (she is now completley cross) Ugh, it was horrible. With their snotty noses and their poopy diapers and their little shrieky voices, always complaining. I don’t want to get dressed. Joey keeps spitting in my mouth. This isn’t the way Mom makes waffles. Well, okay, (she yells like Mrs. Wolowitz) put your hand in here. Let’s see how you like this waffle!
 * Howard: All right, settle down. (he panics three times) Red light. Red light, red light! (Bernadette just drives through it angrily and he is relived) Okay, we’re fine.
 * Bernadette: (she complians for another little bit) I’m sorry. I know it makes me sound like a bad person, but I just don’t like children.
 * Howard: Yeah, no, we all got that. (he thinks for a bit) But don’t you think it’ll be different when the child is ours?
 * Bernadette: (she's still completley cross) Right, when it’s our kid that’s ruined my body and kept me up all night and I’ve got no career and no future and nothing to be happy about for the next 20 years, (she yells like Mrs. Wolowitz again) sure, that’ll be completely different.
 * Howard: (he's sarcastically sad) well, yeah.
 * (Bernadette continues to drive in even more fury).


 * (The Cheesecake Factory scene of a concerned Penny)
 * Penny: Sheldon, what is wrong with you?
 * Sheldon: Not much. Although, I can't be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don't know what it is, when they start munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside.
 * Penny: Okay, Amy just told you some exciting news and you acted like it was no big deal.
 * Sheldon: Oh, I see why you're confused. No, her news sounded important, but what you're forgetting is, it was an achievement in the field of biology, that's all about yucky squishy things.
 * Penny: Honey, she's upset! You're her boyfriend; you have to at least try to be excited by the things she's excited by.
 * Sheldon: What if they simply don't excite me?
 * Penny: Well, just smile and think about koalas.
 * Sheldon: She'd see right through that! We go to the zoo all the time, she knows my koala face. If, for future reference it's this: (shows his koala face)


 * Sheldon: Hard as this may be to believe, it's possible that I'm not boyfriend material.
 * Leonard: Glad I was sitting down for that.


 * (The scene at Penny's apartment where Amy with a huge face like thunder enters the room)
 * Amy: Hey.
 * Penny: Hi.
 * Amy: (he's referring to Sheldon) What’s he doing here?
 * Penny: Okay, he wants to talk to you.
 * Amy: Well, I don’t want to talk to him. And I’m pretty disappointed in you, too. Although we both know that won’t last.
 * Penny: Sheldon, you’re up.
 * Sheldon: Thank you. Amy, I’d like to apologize. Your accomplishment was impressive. And I’m proud of you.
 * Amy: We both know that’s your koala face.
 * Sheldon: I told you.
 * Penny: Okay, look, he bought you this.
 * Amy: Jewelry? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centered person I have ever met. Do you really think that another transparently-manipu...OH, IT'S A TIARA! A tiara! I have a tiara! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me!
 * (Penny puts the tiara on her)
 * Penny: You look beautiful.
 * Amy: OF COURSE I DO, I'M A AND THIS IS MY TIARA!
 * (turns around and kisses Sheldon and gives him a big hug Sheldon gently hugs her back, but is not fond of Amy's over-reaction)
 * Sheldon: (to Penny) You're right; the tiara was too much.


 * Leonard: That's not necessary when someone is trying to help you.
 * Sheldon: I'm sorry, it's the alcohol talking.


 * (The scene at the Cheesecake Factory)
 * Penny: Okay, Amy just told you some exciting news, and you acted like it was no big deal.
 * Sheldon: Oh, I see why you’re confused. No, her news sounded important, but what you’re forgetting is, it was an achievement in the field of biology. That’s all about yucky, squishy things.


 * Penny: Ooh, look who's out on a date. Pasadena's favorite power couple, Shamy.
 * Sheldon: And that is the answer to the question. What is wrong with eating at the Cheesecake Factory.
 * Penny: So we celebrating anything special tonight?
 * Amy: Oh, yes. Our relationship agreement specifies that the second Thursday every month, or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays is date night.
 * Penny: (Sarcastically) That is so hot.


 * (Sheldon and Penny are currently in her apartment)
 * Sheldon: What time did you tell Amy to be here?
 * Penny: Eight o’clock. (Sheldon checks pocket watch) Sheldon, that pocket watch is ridiculous.
 * Sheldon: Nonsense. I look like a train conductor. Under what pretext did you lure her here?
 * Penny: I said, hey, want to come over and hang out?
 * Sheldon: Good, good, if you had said something clever, she might’ve gotten suspicious.


 * (The ending scene of Howard doing a card trick to himself in his bedroom)
 * Mrs Wolowitz: (off) Howard! Bernadette’s… Oh, she slipped right by me.
 * Bernadette: Here’s your vest back.
 * Howard: You should keep it. You could wear it again sometime.
 * Bernadette: Where?
 * Howard: I don’t know, hunting?
 * Mrs Wolowitz: (off) Don’t forget to talk to her about this mishegas where I don’t get grandkids!
 * Howard: (he yells at his mom loudly) Don’t worry, Ma. I will, as soon as I can figure out a way to bring up such a sensitive issue! (He now slams his bedroom door)
 * Bernadette: I guess you talked to your mom, huh?
 * Howard: I was upset. My mom can be a pretty good shoulder to cry on, if the smell of Bengay doesn’t burn your eyes.
 * Bernadette: Look, it’s obvious having kids is really important to you, and I think I came up with a solution.
 * Howard: Really? That’s great. What?
 * Bernadette: Well, seeing as how I make way more money than you anyway, what if I work and you stay home with the kids?
 * Howard: Me?
 * Bernadette: Yeah. You know, you’ll watch Barney and pull Cheerios out of their noses and go on play dates, and I’ll work and have conversations with people my own age and enjoy my life.
 * Howard: Yeah.
 * Bernadette: Yay, so we’re good.
 * Howard: Yeah, we’re good.
 * Bernadette: You know, I don’t know if this counted as a fight, but how about some make-up sex?
 * Howard: I would love that. But what is that behind your ear? Oh, look, it’s a condom.