Working Duck

[Beeping] [Snorting] Ah! Good heavens. [Alarm sounds] I almost forgot to turn on my sound machine. [Birds squawking] [Snoring] The bank lost over $10 million. The security guard, he lost his job. I guess instead of catching Zs, he should have been catching thieves. Ha ha ha. This is Elmer J. Fudd reporting. [Turns TV off, whistles] $10 million? Usually I'm the only one who pays for it whenever Daffy gets fired. [Slurps] [Door opens, closes] Unbelievable! Fired for sleeping on the job. What's next? You can't breathe on the job, either? What do they think I am, a robot? Do I look like a robot? Am I made of metal? Do I make robot noises and blink my robot lights? Do I eat nuts and bolts for breakfast? No. I eat a breakfast burrito every day. Name one robot that eats a breakfast burrito every day. You can't! And do you know why you can't? Because robots don't have souls. Now, can someone please tell me what I was talking about? I don't know. I stopped listening after robots eat breakfast burritos. You know what, this is good news. Without a job, I can do whatever I want whenever I want to do it. After all, this is my house, And my rule is, if you're gonna live here, you have to pull your own weight. What does that mean? You know, help out around here. Do some chores, pay for a few things. - I do chores. - No, you don't. - Well, I pay for things. - Like what? I bought leather socks the other day. Red leather. Daffy, you got to get another job. Relax. A guy like me? I'll have a new job tomorrow. [Slurps] Guaranteed. [Gulping] Hmm. How's the job search coming? Uh, I'm still working on my rÃ©sumÃ©. Let me just close this. I mean, it's under this. It's right here. Here's my rÃ©sumÃ©. Nope. Ok, here's my rÃ©sumÃ©. Oh, sorry. That was definitely not my rÃ©sumÃ©. Here is my rÃ©sumÃ©. "Daffy Shelton Duck. "Education: None. "References: None. "Skills: None. Work experience: Let's not go there. " Are you a complete nitwit? No, I'm a dunderhead. At least according to this Internet IQ test. Daffy, for the past 3 months, I've been pulling your weight because I thought you were looking for a job. Why would I look for a job if you're pulling my weight? So what you're saying is I'm enabling you? You're not enabling me. You're simply shielding me from the consequences of my own self-destructive behavior. I think you're right. And I'm not gonna do it anymore. Daffy, for your own good, I'm kicking you out. What?! Well, guess what? You can't kick me out because I am leaving. Good. Great. I'll go get my stuff. Ok. Even if they get back the 5 yards, they're still looking at a 50-yard field goal. Ahem. In this wind, that is no sure thing I'm going. I'm really going. [Changes channel] Miller drops back to pass, and here comes I packed my suitcase, and I'm going. That's my suitcase. Well, then I'll just take my stuff. That's my stuff. I don't need your stuff. I don't need you. I can make it on my own just fine. So I'm going. I'll see you around. See you on the flip side. I am going. Right now. I'mGone. G-o-n. Gone. [TV playing indistinctly] Arrivederci. [Scoffs] I don't need no roommate telling me to pull my weight. I don't need no job. I don't need none of that jive. I'm Daffy Duck! You hear that, world? I take care of myself. Please take care of me. [Sobbing] [Straining] What are you doing? Pulling my own weight. [Straining] I got you a job. It requires no experience, no references, or skills of any kind. You start tomorrow at Enormocorp. Enormocorp? The fifth largest conglomerate in the world? Do you really think I have what it takes to be a CEO? No. You'll be pushing a muffin cart. Do you really think I have what it takes to push a muffin cart? Look out, Enormocorp, today I have a muffin cart, but some day I just might have the corner office. [Scatting] Ooh. May I interest you in a muffin? No. Come on. I have a delicious banana nut with just a hint of cinnamon. Not so much cinnamon that it's overpowering, of course, but just enough to let you know it's there. I said no. - Chocolate chip muffin? - No. Come on, you deserve it. I'm on the phone. You want one? No? Muffin? Ugh. This is pointless. I'm not cut out for work. I should just be a stay-at-home mom. I mean, look at these people. This is how they want to spend their days? Taking orders from this guy? When I, I say, when I took over Enormocorp 10 years ago, I vowed, I say, I vowed to make Enormocorp a world leader in industry. I say, I say. I'm a big fat rooster and I run the company. Look at me with my big fat finger wound like I'm the boss of you. - I run this - What, I say, what is going on here? I say, I say. Ha ha ha! Hoo hoo! Ha ha Get in here. Yes, you. Who do you think you are? The muffin man. And what do you got here? Muffins. Son, do you, I say, do you know what I'm thinking? I know what I'm thinking. I'll tell you what I'm thinking. I'm thinking that's a blueberry muffin. I love me some muffins. Why, land sakes, lemon poppy seed. Mmm. My grand mammy used to make a lemon poppy seed. But those old poppy seeds love to get all stuck in your teeth now, don't they? [Gasps] Is that a jam-filled? Oh, my stars, it is! It is a jam-filled! You know, as a boy, I used to suck the jam out with a straw. True story, that is. But, you know, I keep going back to the I say, I keep going back to that blueberry. Just pick one. [All gasp] Son, I'm gonna tell you something. You gotI say you got chutzpah. I got what? I'm surrounded, I say, I'm surrounded by bootlickers and toadies, stooges and suck-ups. I'm talking about you, too, Carol. But you, I say, you, you're not like these other lackeys. They tell me what I want to hear. You tell me what I need to hear. Well, son, what do you have to say? Maybe you ought to lay off the muffins for a while. [All gasp] Heh heh heh. Ha ha ha! Come with me, muffin man. Now, let's see about getting you a corner office. Hmm. That happened even faster than I thought. pizzarriba! pizzarriba! come to Speedy's pizza place and put both your feet up bring 100 friends with you there's plenty of room I'll bring you more pizza than your tummy can eat up once you taste my pizza, your taste buds will go boom pizzarriba! pizzarriba! I read all your comment cards and take in your feedback of all the things you're looking for in a pizza place so step into the kitchen where my cousin Gustavo is helping launch my restaurant into cyberspace! that's right, we have a website just like you all requested now you can go online and order from your PC if you can just bear with us our connection is spotty I swear it will be worth it to get pizza from me so please be patient pizzarriba! pizzarriba! Wow. Is this thing still loading, Gustavo? - Si, 88%. - Oh, there it goes. We're almost up! [Beeps] Wait. Did it freeze again? Gustavo, you got to be kidding me, man! You said you were good with computers! Pizzarriba! No, I said I had a computer. Pizzarriba! [Beeps] Oh, here we go, it's up! Pizzarriba! I told you I could do it. Pizzarriba! You spelled it wrong! Pibbarriza! What is pibba? It's- pizzarriba! Not according to your website. You're running from me? You are running from I'm speedy Gonzales! Speedy is in my name! I'm the fastest. Ever! And that's why I don't wear clothes. [Chuckles] I can learn a lot from you, boy. [Chuckles] Sir, we're hearing that Murphy doesn't want to sell. Do we withdraw our offer or attempt a hostile takeover? Hmm. That's a tough I say, that's a tough question. Withdraw our offer, or attempt a hostile takeover. Hmm. Man. What is wrong with you? Just go with your gut. You got a big enough one. My gut, huh? [Groans] Hostile takeover. You heardI say, you heard the muffin man Hostile takeover. So, where you taking me to lunch? I think I'll let you make the decisions from now on. Lemon meringue or Tiramisu? We'll take the whole cart. Pomeranian or pekingese? Cheetah. World's fastest land animal. Renee or Annabel? The one wearing glasses. You look smarter. Well, Daffy, what do you think I say, what do you think of Enormocorp? I don't know. It's fine? I'm happyI say, I'm happy to hear you say that, - because it's yours. - What? I've beenI say, I've been wanting to hand over the company for some time now, and there's only one kind of man I trust to run Enormocorp A muffin man. And I should know. After all, I was once a muffin man myself. [Chuckles] Later, gator. RememberI say, remember these words, son! You can always trust a muffin man! [Bell dings] Good morning, Mr. Duck. Good morning, Mr. Duck. Good morning, Mr. Duck. Good morning, Mr. Duck. Hold my calls, Carol. Hold my calls! I've always wanted to say "hold my calls. " And now, someone's holding my calls! Who's calling me? I don't know! I don't care! I'm CEO. CEO of Enormocorp! Ahh. Now, what will be my first official act as CEO? [Seagulls crying and ocean roaring] Ohh. That's the stuff. [Bell dings] [Typing] I'm not sure if you can help me. I'm visiting a friend of mine. He just started working here. - What's his name? - Daffy Duck. Oh, Mr. Duck. He's in the corner office. Corner office? You guys must really love your muffins around here. Mr. Duck is the CEO of Enormocorp. That makes sense. [Snoring] Whoo! I see you finally found a job where they pay you to sleep. They don't pay me to sleep. [Seagull cries] What do they pay you to do? To run the place. Daffy, you don't even know how to run the dishwasher. That's because you do it for me. We've been through this! I don't need your help anymore. Why is my personal growth so threatening to you? - Daff - No. That's something for you to discuss with a therapist. I'm at work right now. II can't be doing this. [Door opens] Mr. Duck. I'm sorry to interrupt. See? At work! Talk to me. Sir, the markets have turned. Should we delay the merger or proceed as planned? Delay the merger. I think that's the right decision. Wait. Proceed as planned. - Proceed as planned. - Delay the merger. - Which one? - I don't know! I'm not used to being the guy who's asked to make a decision! I'm used to standing next to the guy who's asked to make a decision! That's when I can make a decision! I need that big, fat rooster! Big, fat rooster! Do I delay the merger, or proceed as planned? Always trust a muffin man! Sir, we need a decision. I'll be right back. How you doing? - Muffin man. - Hey, Daffy. This is very important. Do we delay the merger or proceed as planned? Oh, right. This is the guy to ask. Hmm. Hmm. Let's see. Uh, proceed as planned. You heard the muffin man. Do not delay the merger. - Proceed as planned. - You're sure? I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life. Whoa. Thanks for watching my muffin cart. No problem. Ooh. I would have delayed the merger. Yep. Me, too. Mmm. Blueberry. [Whimpers] [Beeping] [Aircraft approaches] Beep beep! Beep beep! Beep beep! [Beeps] Beep beep! Beep beep! [Clinks] [Squeaking] [Cracking] [Squeaking] Beep beep! Beep beep! [Clinks] [Squeaking] After what is now being called the worst business decision in the history of business, Enormocorp has gone out of business. As a result, more than 100,000 have lost their jobs, and experts fear the world economy could collapse. Disgraced CEO Daffy Duck could not be reached for comment. Ugh. If I'd have known all that was going to happen, I'd have kept enabling you. Well, at least I learned a big lesson. - What's that? - When I pull my own weight, I pull a lot of stuff down with me. Whoa! [Crashing] Whoa! Oh! Whoa! [Glass shatters] Call Dr. Weisberg.