Blonde Ambition

1 Oh, God, oh, God, an activist. Quick, pretend we're on the phone. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Sorry. We're pretending to be on the phone. Tough spot. I was here last week trying to organize a cleanup for garbage island, and I couldn't even get a page of signatures. Really? I had to go inside and buy a second clipboard, I got so many signatures. You must really have a noble cause. I do. It's called Bad Animals. Oh, I hate it when people treat animals badly. No, there's some really terrible animals out there. Just last week, some elephant tried to attack a poacher. Bad elephant! What?! You can't be serious. She sounds serious. I'd like to hear more! I don't have to hear more! I'll sign whatever you got, beautiful. [ Sniffs ] Hey, why don't we line up on that side for the petitions, and behind me to touch the hair. [ Sniffs ] [ Scoffs ] I can't believe this. Pick a line, buddy! Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, U. S. A. I feel I've outgrown walgreens. Someday, I'd like to make it to the big city and go to a Duane Reade. Oh, you have not lived until you've been to Duane Reade. Duane Reade is magical! Oh! They have these divine mini nail clippers! I need to hear this. There's a woman out front getting signatures where last week, I was totally ignored. Hey, look, it's DJ Iron Monkey! Ooh, I love him! Oh, my God! Look at his yacht! He's not only rich, he's incredibly wealthy, too. But he's also an environmentalist. His yacht is solar-powered. Forget the sun. What's powering those abs? Look at the definition on those abs! Yep. Abs. Listen to what he says about his charity work. "DJ Iron Monkey doesn't do it to get his name out there. "DJ Iron Monkey does it "because DJ Iron Monkey thinks it's amazing, like DJ Iron Monkey's music. " [ Sighs ] These are his own words. You know, I've never used these ribbed ones, but I assume they work like gangbusters. Ah, home is where the fliers are?! Ugh! There's got to be a better way. Whoa! I thought you were gonna be David Blaine! These damn fliers! I'm telling you, they're a fire hazard. I'm sick of 'em! Makes me want to move. I mean who needs "Hillside Acres, a gated community. Tired of all those fliers on your door?" Oh, my God! I was just saying that! Then we wouldn't have to put up with this trash anymore. 10% off my next treat at TCBY?! Wait a minute. Are these all amazing? "Missing child. " I don't see how that's a deal. [ Mariachi music plays ] What am I doing wrong? That blonde outside of walgreens was getting signatures. Come on, Hayley. Everyone knows blondes get more attention. Scientists have proven it. But their research was ignored because they were boring, brown-haired scientists. From the gentlemen at the bar. Looks like brunettes get attention, too. That's not yours! That is not for you! Come on! Be serious! It's for the blonde! Thanks! Uh, she'll be fine. Don't worry about her. We're not! Rosalie's Pizza? I have a very important question. Do you deliver to Hillside Acres? Yes! Good, good. My next question, which is so important that it should have been my first and only question do you accept half-burnt coupons? He's checking. He's checking! Whoo-hoo! Maybe! Dad, these houses aren't done yet. Besides, the gate's locked. That is a beautiful gate! And imagine how many fliers this thing can hold! Wait, I thought we're moving to get away from the fliers? Oh, lord, no. Keep up, Steve. We're moving here to keep the riffraff out. The fact that we'll be tripling our flier intake is just a huge, huge, huge, huge What were we talking about? About why on earth we would leave our perfectly good house where our family has so many memories to come here. It's the goddamn riffraff! But this gate will keep them out! I mean, were they to try to get in, they would have to kneel down, raise their partner's foot, and hoist them over Aah! Oof! And who's to say how his accomplice would get in? [ Dogs barking ] Oh, look! A private mini zoo just for the residents. Dad, those are guard dogs. Well, they should all be fired, 'cause we got in here pretty easily, especially me. Steve, there's our dream house. Where? You see the one that's bathed in that ray of sunlight? [ Harp strums ] It's the one right next to it. Yeah, that's the one. [ Scatting ] I'm gonna go hear some jazz at Pips and see some gorgeous half-black girls You want to go, Francine? Roger, did we bring all the bags in? I can't find my hair dye. Francine?! But if you're there, then I must have been talking to [ Gasps ] Dolly Parton?! Oh, my God! Dolly, it's such an honor to have you in our house! I've seen "Smoky Mountain Christmas" like 400 times! Turn, Dolly! Spin and point your face at me as soon as you feel comfortable! "Nine to five," alive! It's Hayley! This I can work with. I hope you're up for some fun, blondie. Thanks, but I didn't dye my hair to have fun, okay? I did it so that people would pay more attention to what I have to say. Oh, yeah, of course. That's what I meant. And I know where you can make the most difference celebrity charity events. Roger, come on. I always thought those events were just publicity stunts. Oh, no way. The bigger the dollars, the bigger the change. That's why tonight, we're going to a benefit at Dush. [ Sighs ] I don't know. I even have the perfect guide. Jojo Quinoa! And just like the Superfood, I'm for sale at Trader Joe's. Behind Trader Joe's. For free. We can put a pool table over here. Oh, and this is a perfect spot for a breakfast nook. Steve, come pretend we're having cereal! Is something wrong, son? No, dad, nothing's wrong. It's clear you're not feeling the house, Steve. Well, what do you want me to do, huh? Pretend I like it when I really don't want to move in the first place?! [ Grunts ] Pssh! Damn it, son! Don't you get it?! Change is good! Come on! Follow me! Son, this is your room. Go on take a look out that door there. Tell me what you see. It's a sun deck. A-and there's a jacuzzi! Just imagine all the killer parties you're gonna have up here. This is the house, Steve. This is where your life finally comes together. My life's okay. It sucks. But think about what it could be. [ Funky music playing ] I like video games. I like Scaredy Boys. Uh you and I clearly have stuff we need to work out. I'm beginning to get the picture, papa. [ Techno music plays ] This party is amazing. There must be so much money being raised. Cocaine is so much more fun when it's for a good cause. Hey, speaking of causes, have you ever heard of garbage island? I can't wait to hear all about it. Let me go grab us a couple of drinks so we don't get dry mouth when we talk about garbage for hours. I think they're serving owl here. Or maybe that was a display. Either way, I ate an owl. Sounds like we're both knockin' it out of the park! Man, this blonde hair is working. Everybody's listening to me about garbage island. I told you! Hayley, I just found out about a charity gala poppin' off in Vegas! I guess it's for one of the hottest new causes out there. How are we gonna get to Vegas? Easy! We'll take my private jet! Private jet? I-isn't that the most wasteful way to travel? Got to burn money to raise money! Hayley, the earth is dying. We don't have time to ride a bus. Well [ Scoffs ] I guess it's for a good cause. Let's do it. [ Coughs ] You want to know what's crazy? This is not the owl I ate earlier. [ Insects chirping ] See, Steve, when you live on a hill, you can look down on everyone. It's not the only reason to live on a hill, but it's the main one. Yeah, I'm starting to warm up to the idea of living in a gated community. Mind if I turn on the jets? Bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub, bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub, bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub. [ Vehicle approaching ] Looks like the security patrol is doing the rounds. Terrible for us now, but great for when we live here. All right, boys. You're on your own tonight. I'm taking an HTML class at the learning annex. They say the future of groundskeeping is all online. [ All sniffing, whine ] [ Growling, barking ] Dad? Did you close the front door? Ohh! I don't think I'm gonna follow Billy Ocean on Instagram anymore. He never leaves the bathroom. Oh, Hayley and Roger are tearing it up in Vegas. What?! [ Cellphone beeps ] [ Ringing ] Hayley, where are you? I'm at a charity event in Vegas. It's my fifth one tonight! We're on a charity crawl! Whoo! Honey, I'm worried you're losing sight of I got to go. Someone's about to donate all over my stomach. [ Cellphone beeps ] Whoa. You're, like, super-hot at charity. Thank you. You need to come with me to DJ Iron Monkey's yacht for the biggest charity event of the decade. So, we're not counting the Jerry Lewis Telethon in 2008 when Richard Chamberlain just showed up to sing three songs and half the audience had heart attacks? Actually, Richard Chamberlain will be there. [ Screams ] As you'll see, this whole yacht runs on solar power. Dude, that shit's tight. I know. Also, if you're wondering why all the ladies are topless, we banned all clothes made in Chinese sweatshops. Well, if them's the rules. These were made in Canada, but don't tell anybody. So, did you find any chicks for the party? Yeah, some blonde from Virginia. She's buying into all that charity crap. So if you want to get with her, just ask her about her causes. Cool. Thanks again for doing this, man. This probably isn't what you went to college for, so I really appreciate it. No, no. It's cool. It's cool. I majored in art history, but part of going to college is figuring out what you don't want to do. [ Techno music plays ] Charity. [ Cheers and applause ] This feels amazing! We should raise money for ecstasy! We're saving the world, girl! I just wish we had gum! Do you have any gum? Gum? I'd love some gum! Let's talk about this forever! I can't believe I'm in Iron Monkey's head. Iron Monkey can't believe you are, either. Iron Monkey can't believe a lot of things. It's so great that you're doing this for charity. Uh, but what's the cause we're raising money for again? The environment. No one even realizes how important the environment is. I mean, where would we be without it? Space? No, thanks. I'm too scared of black holes to live there. Oh, me too. Me too, Iron Monkey. How about I show you around the ship, so you can see all the ways this mega yacht protects this environment? Charity. [ Dogs barking ] Dad, these dogs are relentless! When are they gonna give up?! Hang in there, son. Those losers aren't getting in. Yeah, I called you losers! [ Barking stops ] Do do you think they went away? Yeah. I called them losers. You don't come back from that. [ Scraping ] They're on the roof! Steve, you didn't by any chance secure the fireplace, did [ Both gasp ] [ Growling ] [ Dog whines, barks ] [ Dog whines ] I don't think this bit gets any funnier, Steve! Run! [ Dogs barking ] Aah! [ Dog whimpering ] To the sun deck! Oh, my God! Dad, are you okay?! I'm sorry, Steve. You've been in my study. Have you seen a medical-school degree on the wall? I don't know! Sorry for being condescending. Maybe it's the first sign of rabies. But then again, I'm not a doctor, so I don't know! Sorry. That's the rabies talking. Maybe. [ Techno music plays ] Do you like the table? It's one solid, 800-pound piece of cork. The ship builder really didn't want me to put this in the hull. But that just made me want it more. Aren't cork trees endangered? That's why it's so important to cut them down now. Does that make sense? Shh. Drink your wine. [ Cellphone rings ] Yello? Yo, Monkey, I got another girl lined up. She's into threesomes, but I may get her to agree to a twosome. I got to take this. Oh, my God! Whales! Oh, my God slave whales! [ Whale sings ] This yacht's not solar-powered. It's it's whale-powered! Iron Monkey's a phony! What a fake! He's not changing anything. He's just partying. That's all anyone's doing here. Including you. You dyed your hair so people would listen to you. But then you just got super-drunk, and you totally forgot to talk about your stuff. I came here to make a difference, and I am going to make one. Starting by freeing those whales. He threw these out without cutting them?! Is there no level to which he won't stoop?! Wait. What? Mom?! Well, this ain't your daddy. What are you doing here? And why are you dressed like me? I came because I knew you'd lost your way. I'm here to remind you of who you are! That's really sweet, mom. But I already figured it out for myself. Two minutes ago. Really? I made my hair ugly, took an 11-hour flight, then paid a Mallorcan fisherman a thousand Mallorcan money units to row me out here all for nothing?! No, it wasn't. I need your help to do something truly good. [ Dogs barking ] They're gonna get through! Just one nail left. Better make it count. Goodbye, son. Dad, wait! Shoot that propane tank! Maybe the explosion will scare off the dogs! Good thinking! [ Dogs whimpering ] You did it! [ Rumbling ] Uh-oh, Steve. It must be connected to the main gas line. This whole place is gonna blow! What are you doing? Get on. Now hold on tight. [ Screams ] It worked! Dad, even though we're not moving into that cool house, I'll still get to have parties with girls, right? Afraid not, Steve. And we should really talk about what snot was doing in your fantasy. Oh, no! They're gaining on us! [ Dogs barking ] Hang on tight! [ Grunting ] [ Both sigh ] Wait. The mailboxes are down here by the guard gate? You have to come all the way down here to get your mail? Oh, screw this place. [ Techno music playing ] I think the whales are to the right up here. Do you mean starboard? We're on a boat, Hayley. Start talking boat. Yeah! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You guys aren't allowed down here. Oh Um Sorry. Uh, we were just looking for the dance floor. I'll take you. It's on the next deck. No. I think it's right here. What? That's right, lady. I'm challenging you to a dance-off. Unless you don't think you've got the moves. Oh, I've got moves all day till Sunday. [ Music continues ] Go free the whales. We talked about this, Roger. You're the one who frees the whales every time. This was gonna be the time you did the dance-off, but here we are, in the whale room, once again. [ Muttering ] [ Whales singing ] Aww, damn! Here comes the rebuttal! You teach people how to treat you! [ Music continues ] [ Both panting ] That was a'ight. But let me show you how it's done. Make some room. Make some room! [ Rumbling ] [ Both grunt ] [ Bones crack ] Whales are free. It's over. We did it! All he has to do is get more whales, and he'll be back at it. Trust me. This ocean is lousy with whales. Now, let's end this once and for all. Did you kill this guy? That's it next time, I'm doing the dance-off! [ Techno music playing ] [ All grunting ] It won't budge! Let's give up. We need to find something to help us pry it out. Maybe there's something in here. Tusks. I think we can no longer deny the facts. This guy is an elephant dentist. [ All grunting ] [ Creaking ] [ Pop! ] [ All scream ] For the first time in my life, I feel like I really did something to help the earth. Ugh! Hayley, the oil spill dyed your hair back to normal. Everything worked out! Oh, look. My cigarettes stayed dry. [ Lighter clicks ]