When Does This Duckbill Make Me Look Fat?

(Scene opens up in a scary movie Phineas and Ferb are watching.)

Mad scientist: You know what we're going to do today, Talbo? It's time to test...THE TELEPORT! (Flips a switch, causing the teleports to activate. Talbo teleports to the one to the right, only get to singed.) Eureka! Now I can teleport myself anywhere in the world!

Talbo: Wouldn't you have to take one of those teleport things there first? Oh, but then you'd already be there. It kinda renders the whole thing redundant, doesn't it?

Mad scientist: Do you want me to remove your tongue again, Talbo?

(Shift to Phineas and Ferb watching the movie)

Phineas: Cool! (turns off TV with the remote) I know what we can do today, Ferb. (chuckles while Ferb covers his mouth with his hands) No, not the tongue thing. The teleporter.

Linda: (off screen) Hey, boys.

(Linda crawls by)

Phineas: Hey, Mom. Ferb and I are gonna build a teleport device.

Linda: (oblivious) Oh, great. I wish to teleport to where my earrings are. I've lost them.

Phineas: The dangly smoky topaz or the hoops?

Linda: Hoops.

Phineas: Oh, she must be wearing the blue dress. We'll keep an eye out for 'em. (at Ferb) Come on, Ferb. We're burnin' daylight.

(Montage of Phineas and Ferb building the teleports. Instrumental version of the theme song plays in the background.)

Phineas: Teleports completed! .... Hey, where's Perry?

(In Candace's room...)

Candace: (sniffs) (record scratch) Ew!

(Perry wakes up)

You're not supposed to be here.

(Perry chatters)

I told Phineas and Ferb to keep you outta my room. (kicks the bedroom door open as she's holding Perry) I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind.

(Downstairs...)

Candace: Mom! Do you know where Phineas and Ferb are?

Linda: They're in the garage, honey.

Candace: Oh, by the way, Jeremy's gonna be here soon. Please try not to embarrass me in front of him again.

Linda: What do you mean, again?

Candace: Remember my fifth-grade graduation with the inflatable–

Linda: Oh, that's right. My bad.

(In the garage...)

Phineas: This is a glorious day for mankind. Ready with the camera so we can document it?

(Ferb gets ready with the camera)

Phineas: Cheese!

(Candace runs in front of the lens right when Ferb takes the photo)

Candace: How many times have I told you to keep Perry out of my room?! (notices the teleports) What are those?

Phineas: Teleports. Pretty cool, huh?

Candace: You guys are so bus – Aah! (trips on a controller, disappears through one teleport, and appears from the other)

Phineas: Cool. It worked. (suddenly looks concerned) Candace? Are you OK?

{Editor's Note: Until Perry and Candace switches back, this transcript refers Perry in Candace's body as Perry/Candace and Candace in Perry's body as Candace/Perry.}

Candace/Perry: (pointing at her brothers) Wait a second. How you guys get so big? (gasps) And why is my hand green? (takes a pink mirror from a nearby box) AHHHHHHH!!! I'M AN UGLY, SMELLY PLATYPUS!!! I'm a platypus! I'm a platypus! I'm a platypus! I'm a platypus!

Phineas: (talking over) Amazing. You and Perry going through the teleport at the same time must have switched your brains.

Candace/Perry: Oh, you think? You guys better change me back now or I'll... Wait...JEREMY'S GONNA BE HERE SOON!

Phineas: Not a problem, sis. We'll just put you both through the teleporter again. Hey, where's Perry? Uh, I-I mean Candace. I mean Perry in Candace's body.

(Perry/Candace chatters)

Dooby-dooby doo

Ba dooby-dooby doo

Ba dooby-dooby doo

(In the backyard...)

Phineas: I wonder where he scampered off to. Any ideas, Ferb?

Isabella: What'cha dooooin'?

Phineas: Hey, Isabella. We built a teleportation device and accidentally switched Candace and Perry's brains.

Isabella: Really? That's so cool!

Candace/Perry: You wouldn't think it was so cool if you smelled like this.

Phineas: We're looking for Perry so we can switch them back to normal. Wanna help?

Isabella: You betcha.

Major Monogram: (off screen) Carl! How many times have I told you, lift the seat when you're done.

Carl: (off screen) Sorry!

Major Monogram: Oh, there you... (Realizes what he saw) Uh-oh. Carl, I think we have a breach of security.

Carl: (off screen) What do you mean, sir?

Major Monogram: There's a teenage girl in here.

Carl: A teenage girl?

(A fedora lands on Perry/Candace's head.)

Major Monogram: Agent P, brilliant disguise!

Carl: Man! I thought it was a real girl. (walks away in disappointment)

(Perry/Candace looks at a panel under the monitor seeing his/her reflection and chatters in horror.)

Major Monogram: Now for your mission. Slushy the Clown statues have disappeared all over the Tri-State area. Without that clown, there's just nothing fun about lunch anymore.

Major Monogram: Carl and I have lunch at Mr. Slushy Burger every day. Pickles so green and meat so brown (Carl joins in)  Lunchtime's fun with Slushy the Clown  We really miss that clown. (sniffles) So, ahem, drop whatever you're doing and find out what happened to those statues by lunchtime.

Stacy: Candace? Hey, Candace! Awesome scooter! Hey, wanna come to Slushy Burger with my mom and me? Was that a yes or a no?

Dr. Hirano: I don't know, but I like the hat.

Stacy: Yeah, it's a good look for her.

Candace/Perry: Come on, guys! Are you almost done? Jeremy's gonna be here soon.

Phineas: Ferb's printing up the last one now. Looks great, Ferb.

Candace/Perry: (reading from the flyer) "Lost platypus. Looks like a girl"? Why did you use that picture? I don't want anyone to see me like that!

Phineas: That's the only picture we had. (at Isabella) Good job, Isabella!

(The picture appears on the side of a giant blimp) Isabella: Glad I could help!

Candace/Perry: Aaaah! Now everyone will see that horrible picture!

Phineas: OK, Candace, just stay here while we post these around town. We'll find Perry in no time.

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

Pickles so green and meat so brown

Lunchtime--

Doofenshmirtz: (Ejecting a voice box) Not anymore!

(crash)

Doofenshmirtz: A teenage girl?

(Perry/Candace dons the fedora)

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the teenage girl?!

(He pulls out a controller from his lab coat, pushes the button, and Perry/Candace is trapped in a platypus sized cage) Sorry about the tight fit, but, you know, if I knew you were going to disguise yourself as a teenage girl, I would've set a bigger trap. I'm suppose you're wondering why I have all these clowns, right? Well, you see, I've had that Slushy Burger jingle stuck in my head for, like, a week. You know, it goes like this. Pickles so green and meat so brown, Lunchtime's fun with Slushy the Clown! Oh, I hate that song so much, I've stolen all the clowns, and I'm going to rip their tape boxes out. You know, like you do.

I'm going to replace it with my own evil jingle. I just have to finish writing it. I'm having a hard time finding a good rhyme for "evil," though, you know. Believe me, I've tried. Keevil, deevil, feevil, weevil... You know, none of these are words.

Police Officer: You guys lost a platypus?

Phineas: Yep.

Police Officer: Officer 3323. Tell Charlie we have a 10-91-P. Yeah, it's a platypus. Looks like a girl. MIA. (at Phineas and Ferb) Don't worry, boys. After a nice lunch at Mr. Slushy Burger, the Tri-State area's finest will be on the job.

Phineas: By the way, our mom's also missing her earrings.

Police Officer: Which ones? The dangly topaz or the hoops?

Phineas: The hoops.

Police Officer: Oh, that's a shame. We'll get right on it.

Candace/Perry: Mom, you won't believe what Phineas and Ferb did!

Linda: What did they do this time?

Candace/Perry: All you have to do is look at me!

(doorbell rings)

Candace/Perry: If that's Jeremy, tell him... I'm getting ready. I don't want him to see me like this.

(doorbell rings again)

Linda: OK, Candace, now what's so important? .... Hi, Jeremy.

Jeremy: Hey, Mrs. Flynn. Is Candace here?

Linda: Oh, she's still getting ready. You know girls. Have a seat. While you wait, I'll make you a snack.

(sits on the couch, sees Candace/Perry underneath)

Jeremy: Oh, hey, Perry. Come up here. How's my favorite little platypus today?

Candace/Perry: Oh hee- hee- hee- hee I mean... (tries to imitate Perry's chatter)

Crowd: (reading the billboard) "Lost platypus. Looks like a girl." You know, that's insulting to the platypus. How are we supposed to tell if it's a girl?

Linda: Why don't you watch some TV while you wait? Oh, hey. I've got some great baby movies of Candace.

(baby cooing)

Linda: Ohh! There she is in the bathtub. (bubbles gurgle) Oops! Little bubbles.

Candace/Perry: (off screen) Mom! Remember what we talked about? My fifth-grade graduation?

Linda: Fifth-grade graduation? What is she talking about?

Candace/Perry: Ugh! (off screen) Just turn off the home movies!

Doofenshmirtz: Meevil, steevil, cleavil.... As soon as I get this done, lunchtime will never again be fun. Oh, great! There's a rhyme! There's a rhyme, but sure, everything rhymes with "fun." (Perry/Candace tries to hit him with a tail, and only waves her behind in his face) .... Ha! You don't have a tail anymore. Now you are no match for me! But wait a minute. I-I-I can't hit a girl. Gets hit with Perry/Candace's shoulder bag) Oof! Did you have that purse when you came in? .... Well, I'm out of here. .... (Speeds away, leaving a smoke statue, which dissipates, revealing Doofenshmirtz)

What just happened?

Linda: You're such a nice boy, Jeremy. I can why Candace built a shrine of you in her room. (laughs) Oopsy! I probably should've not said that. Thanks for feeding Perry while I look for my earrings.

Jeremy: Sure, no problem. .... What's in this platypus food, anyway?

Linda: Mostly worms and insect larvae. (Candace/Perry starts to barf then Linda puts her outside) Oh, Perry! Now I have to get the carpet cleaned again! Hey, maybe I lost my earrings while folding Candace's laundry. Why don't you help me look while you wait, Jeremy?

(Candace/Perry is locked out of the house in the backyard. She knocks on the door, and starts sweating milk)

Candace/Perry: Am I sweating milk?! Being a platypus is so gross!

Doofenshmirtz: Wait, wait! I can't-I can't fight when you're dressed as a girl. It's so...como se dice... awkward. .... Look! Shoes on sale! .... Curse you, Perry the teenager!

Agent P!

(Perry/Candace returns with a Slushy the Clown statue back)

Male teen: Hey! The girl missing her platypus found Slushy the Clown.

Kids: Yay!

Candace/Perry: This is horrible! Mom is inside, ruining my love life!

(Perry/Candace chatters)

Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry.

Candace/Perry: Great. Change me back now!

Phineas: So this is how you went through the first time, right? You were holding Perry?

Candace/Perry: (Holding Perry/Candace) Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Hurry! Oh! He's a lot heavier now.

(Phineas activates the teleporter)

Phineas: I wonder if it worked.

(A short pause, then...)

Candace: You guys are so busted! I'm telling Mom! (she leaves)

Ferb: You might consider bathing first.

Doofenshmirtz: I gotta get out of this! (Hits a button on the panel of a machine, it fires) Gah! Oh, dear. My old Shrinkinator. (sighs) I suppose I should've unplugged it before I turned it into a planter.

(in the garage...)

Candace: (comes into the garage with an evil look on her face) Come on, Mom, hurry up! (at Phineas and Ferb) You're busted.

(The ray from the Shrinkinator hits the teleporter. Linda comes in, wearing the blue dress as mentioned earlier. Candace barely notices)

Candace: (With her eyes closed) See?! see?! It's right there!!

Linda: Oh, my goodness!

(Candace gets a shocked expression on her face.)

Did you make these?

Phineas: Uh... yeah.

Linda: (gasps) These are so much nicer than the ones I lost!

(a fly buzzes in one loop and gets zapped out the other by Linda's new "earrings")

Phineas: Awesome.

Linda: Thanks, boys.

Candace: (jaw drops)

Linda: (at Candace, closing her mouth) Close your mouth, honey. You'll catch flies.

(Candace scowls as Linda walks out.)

End Credits
(Song: "Perry the Teenage Girl")

She's a semi-neurotic

Teenage girl of action

Dooby-dooby doo Ba dooby-dooby doo

She's a feisty little redhead with a platypus' brain

You best leave her alone

She's playing MP3s on her phone

And whenever she's around

You can hear the bad guys say

Doofenshmirtz: ''Great. Now I have this song stuck in my head.''

She's Perry, Perry the teenage girl