Greece Lightning

(Scene opens up showing the Danville Museum.)

Candace: I can't believe you guys dragged me all the way over here for this. (Sighs) Well, at least there's hunky guys in skirts.

Lawrence: Guys, come and look at this. This is an actual replica of an artist's interpretation of what some random guy of no significance believed that the chariot of Asparagus might have looked like. And this is Asparagus, the greatest warrior in all of Greece. With this golden chariot, he would win every race. And here he is defeating the Minotaur, a creature that's half-man, half-bull. Asparagus defeated him using the head of Medusa, a creature so ugly she could turn people to stone with just one look.

Phineas: Kind of reminds me of Candace.

Candace: It does not look like me!

Phineas: I know what we're gonna do today. We're gonna have our own chariot race like... Hey, where's Perry?

Major Monogram: (Disguised as Discobolos) Psst. Psst! Agent P, over here. Sorry to disturb you at the museum. We've just been informed that Doofenshmirtz has created a machine to rid the world of platypuses. ...Uh, platypi? Platypeople? Whatever. We've tracked Doofenshmirtz to the old abandoned movie house. So get going, and don't look up my skirt.

(In the driveway at the Flynn-Fletcher house...)

Phineas: Okay, the race will start here at home, through the streets of Danville, and over to the park. From there we make our way past Paul Bunyan's Pancake Haus...

(Song: Paul Bunyan's Pancake Haus)

Paul Bunyan's, where food is good

Announcer 2: (Canadian accent) But not too good, eh?

Phineas: ...and finish at the steps of the museum.

Lawrence: Hey, boys, whatcha doin'?

Phineas: Just mapping out our route for the big chariot race we're gonna have.

Lawrence: Oh, excellent. It's good to see you boys taking an interest in Greek mythology. I'm doing the same. I've got over 12 hours of gladiator movies here I wanna watch.

Isabella: Nice hat, Mr. Flynn.

Lawrence: Thank you, Isabella. It's my movie watching hat.

Phineas: Isabella, we're gonna have the greatest race in history, complete with helmets and armor and super-cool chariots with horses. Spread the word! (Isabella runs off) Spread the word!

Isabella: (runs back) Wait! At what time?

Phineas: In about an hour or so.

Isabella: (runs off again but runs back once more) Where's it gonna be?

Phineas: Here!

Isabella: (runs off but runs back a final time) Who am I telling again?

Phineas: Just spread the word! (Isabella finally leaves)  Oh, and tell them to bring gladiator gear.

Doofenshmirtz Abandoned Theater!

(Jingle of Gitchee Gitchee Goo playing in the background)

Doofenshmirtz: Comfy, Perry the Platypus? I've prepared something special just for you. You see, until now, every attempt to eradicate you has been foiled. Then I came across a...

(Slurping)

Doofenshmirtz: Excuse me, who are you and what are you doing here?

Male teen: I bought a ticket to see this movie.

Doofenshmirtz: (Groans) Okay, just roll the film.

Male narrator: Who is the enemy of the platypuses? Or platypi or platypeople? Or... Well, you know what I mean. The platypus is one of our greatest friends in nature, a humble but key component in Mother Nature's delicate cycle of life. But as of late, worldwide populations have been declining to near endangerment. But why? Who is the enemy of the platypuses or... Well, you know what I mean.

Male teen: This is the best platypus movie I have ever seen.

(Slurping)

Male narrator: Historically, the enemies of the platypus were well known: the poisonous swamp viper, the snaggle-tooth badger, and duplicating imitable stunts seen on television. But there is a new enemy of the platypus, one whose tireless development paves over the platypus's woodland homes: The greatest enemy of the platypus...is man.

Cheerful male voice: Hi, there.

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, you see, Perry the Platypus? For years I've been trying to rid myself of you with traps and bombs and poisonous gas and automatic tennis ball machines. I--I don't even know what I was thinking back then, but now I have the ultimate platypus elimination weapon. Perry the Platypus, recoil in horror at my new creation! A giant...killer...robot...man.

Giant Robot Man: My name is Norm. The enemy of the platypus is man.

Doofenshmirtz: Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Male teen: This is awesome! I did not know this movie was in 3-D.

Norm: Please, stop running. Perhaps we could discuss our differences over coffee.

(In the backyard...)

Phineas: Okay, we're all set! Let's meet our racers. In the first chariot is us. Then we got Isabella and the Fireside Girls, Buford and Baljeet, and we have one for Candace, too, if she ever shows up. Here are the maps for everyone. The first chariot to reach the museum wins. Any questions?

Baljeet: Yes. Should we not establish the rules first?

Buford: This is a chariot race. There are no rules.

Isabella: No rules? Well, if those are the rules!

Buford: Hey, you, you're goin' down!

Baljeet: But we're on the same team.

Buford: Then you're goin' down with me!

Phineas: Each chariot will be pulled by a rocking horse Ferb souped up with a lawnmower engine!

Candace: Phineas! Just what do you think you're doing?

Phineas: Candace, great! You're right on time! Check out this cool-lookin' helmet we made for you! And we built you your own chariot that looks just like you!

Candace: Oh, that's ridiculous. I do not have wheels!

(In the living room...)

Actor: To the winner of this race, I offer the spoils of the empire…

Candace: Dad, they're racing chariots.

Lawrence: That scene's just starting. Come in and sit down.

Phineas: (calling from outside) Come on, Candace!

Candace: Dad!

Lawrence: Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want some?

Candace: (Groans in frustration) That's it! I'll stop this myself.

(Outside; the back yard...)

Django: Are you ready? Get set...go!

(Engines revving)

Candace: Okay, you two, I've had enough of this-- Ow! Hey! (Engine revving) Aah! Daddy!

Lawrence: Oh, now where'd she go? She's gonna miss all the action.

Candace: (Screaming)

Phineas: Looks like Candace made it after all. Lookin' good, Candace!

Candace: (Screams)

(Song: My Chariot)

I got a motorized nag takin' me for a drag

Leave the others far behind

Baby, I ain't braggin', my anachronistic wagon's

Two millennia ahead of its time

Talkin' 'bout my chariot

No, it's not street legal, but it gets me where I wanna go

Candace: (Screams)

Climb aboard my chariot

When they hear me come a-rumblin', then everybody wants to know

"Where'd you get that chariot?"

I don't need no oracle to tell me how good it feels

To throw a full-tilt coliseum killer toga party on wheels

Candace: (Screams)

Yeah, yeah

Phineas: Remind me, why did we put spikes on Buford's chariot?

Buford: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Candace: Reckless endangerment, disrupting traffic... EW, they are so busted.

Phineas: And a bowling ball catapult? I mean, what were we thinking?

Candace: (screams) My phone!

Phineas: Why'd we give them all the cool stuff? What do we have? Cup holders? Sweet. Now we're cookin'.

Baljeet: The girls are still gaining! Failure is not an option for me, my husky friend.

Buford: Use your head and think of something, genius!

Baljeet: Exactly! Use my head! ... That is right! Eat sparks, my opponents!

Phineas: Ferb, do you smell something burning?

Baljeet: An unconventional way to use my head, yes, but an effective one!

Norm: We should do this more often!

Isabella: Okay, girls, star formation!

...Yeah

Candace: (Screams)

Isabella: Sorry. No rules.

Baljeet: Now what?

Buford: Have to use your head again.

Baljeet: (Screams)

Candace: (Screams)

Buford: Hey, get back on your own chariot!

Yeah, talking 'bout my chariot

Got all my horse power

In two big wheels of fun

Climb aboard my chariot

You can be my second

'Cause I'm gladiator number one

Get a load of my chariot

Always going full-throttle

Ask anybody and they'll say

If you see me coming

Then you better get out of my way!

Phineas: We should be coming up on Paul Bunyan’s!

(Song: Paul Bunyan's Pancake Haus)

Paul Bunyan's, where food is good

Announcer 2: But not too good, eh?

Phineas: Oh, there it is!

Norm: Are those slacks new? They make you look slimmer. Honey, have you seen my keys?

Candace: (Screams)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Phineas: Look, it's Perry. I gotcha! (Pets Perry) Where you been? (Crash) What is that? It's half-man, half-bull. It's the Minotaur!

Norm: My name is Norm!

Phineas: It's Norm the Minotaur! Hit it, Ferb!

Norm: Wait! Come back! You can borrow my rake.

Candace: (Screaming)

Phineas: Candace has the lead! Go Candace!

Candace: Somebody help me!

Phineas: See? I knew she'd love it.

Norm: Let's invite our wives next time.

(At the Danville Museum...)

(Grunting)

Django: Candace wins!

Candace: (Screams)

(Crash!)

Phineas: That was the coolest rocking-horse, mower-pulled chariot Minotaur chase ever!

Candace: Oh... Ohh, uhh... Gross.

Kids: Phin-e-as and Ferb! Phin-e-as and Ferb!

(Chant continues)

Candace: Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! You can't tear up the town with your chariots and expect to get away with it! When Mom and Dad find out about this...

Phineas: Candace...

Norm: The enemy of the platypus is man.

Candace: Listen, pal, you stay out of this!

Kid #1: She turned him to stone!

Candace: I did what?

Kid #2: Don't look at me!

Candace: Wait!

Kid #3: It's Medusa!

Candace: D'oh, that's it! I'm outta here!

Phineas: Wait, Candace!

Doofenshmirtz: Norm! Oh, no, Norm! What did he do to you? Did the bad little platypus switch you off? I'll fix that.

Norm: My name is Norm.

Doofenshmirtz: See? All you needed was a reboot. …Wait! What is this? What happened to all the lights? Wait, it's coming loose. I think I can get it off.

Norm: The enemy of the platypus is man.

Doofenshmirtz: Ooh. Oh, well, now it's stuck. (screams) Somebody help me!

Norm: Secretly, I'm very lonely.

Candace: Just wait until Mom finds out about this.

Phineas: Candace, looks like we owe you a big thanks for defeating the Minotaur. Who knew you had the power to turn men to stone?

Candace: That is so not true. Who ever heard of something as silly as turning someone to stone...? No, no, it can't be. (Screams) I did it again. Don't look at me! (Screams) I'm a monster! (Screams) Make it stop! (Screams)

Phineas: It's okay, Ferb. She's gone. You can look now.

Ferb: No. Not taking any chances.

(Perry chatters)

Phineas: Hey, look, there's Perry.

Ferb: Still not looking.