Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker


 * Chucko: Batman showed up and we had to ditch, but we were able to save this: the console's memory board. [Chucko slides the board to Joker, who is sitting across the table. Joker catches it.]  I know it's not much, but-
 * The Joker: "It's not much"? It's nothing! [smashes the memory board] Losers, all of you.  A disgrace to the name "Joker".  Why, in my day--
 * Bonk: "In your day"?! Ever since you conned your way into this gang it's been "in your day" this, "in your day" that!
 * Chucko: [uneasily] Bonk...
 * Bonk: Your day is over, old man, even if you are who you say you are; and personally, I think you're a fake!
 * The Joker: Ah, brave new world... that has such putzes in it.
 * Bonk: He's got us running around, ripping out a lot of geek junk, but no cash! He won't tell us what his plan is, even if he has one!  I want out!
 * The Joker: [Amused, the Joker pulls out a gun.] If you insist... [the other Jokerz gasp]
 * Bonk: [scared] Hey, man, take it easy! I-I was, I was just kidding!
 * [The Joker fires, but a flag with the word BANG! pops out of the end of the gun.]
 * The Joker: So was I! [The Joker chuckles and waves the gun, then shoots the flag into Bonk's chest.]  Oops!  No I wasn't!  That's also how we did it in my day.  You know, kids, a lot has changed since your old Uncle Joker's been away: new Gotham, new rules, even a new Batman.  But now I'm tanned, I'm rested, and I'm ready to give this town a wedgie again! I have to know you're with me.  Will you say it for me one time?
 * Jokerz: [Terrified.] We're with you!
 * The Joker: A little louder.
 * Jokerz: [Louder.] We're with you!
 * The Joker: Dee-Dee?
 * The Dee-Dee Twins: We're with you!
 * The Joker: Boys?
 * Chucko and Ghoul: We're with you!
 * The Joker: Bonk? ... Oh, right. Dead! [pauses and grins brightly] Dee-Dee, be a lamb and sweep out the trash. There's a good girls! [Dee-Dee Twins manage to get Bonk off of the table]  Your renewed faith puts a smile in my heart!  Let's say we forget about tonight's mishap and start over?
 * Chucko: Great, Boss!
 * The Joker: Ghoul, m'boy, we're gonna need a new systems scanner; who's got one that they'd be willing to donate?
 * Ghoul: Checking... What we're after is cutting edge. It's the only other place we can find one.
 * The Joker: [Reading off a list.] Hmmm... Nope.  Nuh-uh.  Nope.  [Finally finding a candidate.] Ah!
 * Ghoul: What? There? Security's gonna be tight.
 * The Joker: Oh, yes! But think of the fun!


 * Terry: So... The Joker, huh? Must be spry for a guy who's like... mid-eighties?  Any theories on that?  Clone?  Robot?  Suspended animation after being frozen in a block of ice?
 * Bruce: Shut up and drive.
 * Terry: Yes, sir.




 * [Terry and Dana are dancing, while Terry is falling asleep, Dana tries to keep him awake by talking...it doesn't work, so...]
 * Dana: Terry, my head's on fire.'''
 * Terry: [takes the hand of another girl, his eyes are closed] You look good.'''
 * Dana: [angry] MCGINNIS!!'''
 * [Other girl giggles and walks away]
 * Terry: Sorry, babe. Guess the day was longer than I thought.




 * Terry McGinnis: It's funny. I know about all your other major enemies, but you never mention him. He was the biggest, wasn't he?
 * Bruce Wayne: It wasn't a popularity contest. He was a psychopath. A monster.
 * Terry McGinnis: So how is it possible he could still be around after all this time?
 * Bruce Wayne: It's not possible. He died years ago.
 * Terry McGinnis: You're sure?
 * Bruce Wayne: [shortly] I was there.
 * [Bruce gets up starts walking away. There's a beat of silence]
 * Terry [softly]: You killed him... didn't you? [Bruce stops and hangs his head, but still doesn't look at him] He was gonna do something so terrible that you had no other choice.  That was it, wasn't it?


 * Bruce Wayne: It can't be.
 * The Joker: Oh no. Your old eyes do not deceive you, Brucie! After all, [whispers] who'd know me better than you?




 * Terry McGinnis: Where's the Joker?
 * Timothy Drake: Joker?
 * Terry McGinnis: Drop the act. I know you are working for him.
 * Timothy Drake: No. Joker's gone. I don't know where he is. Really.
 * Bruce Wayne: The suit's sensors aren't picking up any pulse fluctuations. He's telling the truth.
 * Timothy Drake: I don't do this anymore. I have a home and family. I gave this up years ago. Kid's stuff. That's all it was.
 * Terry McGinnis: He may be telling the truth but he's still whack.
 * Timothy Drake: Fun and games. Boy wonder playing hero. Fighting off bad guys and no one ever gets... oh, God. I killed him. I didn't mean to. I tried so hard to forget. But I still hear the shot. Still see the dead smile. Every night the dreams get stronger... he's there when I sleep. Whispering! Laughing! Telling me that I'm as bad as he is! We're both the same! :[In the edited cut, "killed him" was replaced with "did it," "his scream" replaced "the shot," and "frozen" replaced "dead."]
 * Terry McGinnis: I'm calling an ambulance.
 * Timothy Drake: No. I'm all right. Forgive me, Terry, old nasty memories twist inside me like bad oysters. Nothing, really. I'm perfectly fine now.
 * Terry McGinnis: How do you know my name?
 * Timothy Drake: There's nothing about you I don't know, Batfake.
 * [Timothy throws the steel ball he's holding, which turns into an electric claw and grabs Terry by the arm, Terry collapses to the ground, immobilized.]
 * Bruce Wayne: Terry!
 * Timothy Drake: Have a time out, kid. Can't let you spoil the party too soon. And Bruce, I'm sure you have got your monkey boy wired somehow. That's just peachy. Because I want you to see every minute of this. It's a killer. :[line was "It's a doozy" in the edited cut]
 * [Laughs hysterically, holding his head, and after a while, becomes the Joker]
 * Bruce Wayne: My God!
 * The Joker: [Takes off the lab coat, showing the purple tights underneath] Oh, I never get tired of that!
 * Terry McGinnis: Drake?! You're the Joker?!
 * The Joker: That flabby oaf doesn't realize I'm using him as a timeshare! Beneath this puckish exterior lies the mind of a genius years ahead of my time. In the weeks young Robin was under my tutelage, I used him as the subject of my greatest experiment. Utilizing cutting-edge genetics technology which I pinched here and there, I encoded my DNA in a microchip and set it in Bird-Boy's birdbrain. [points to a dot on the back of his neck] Here. Everything that was me has been sleepin' all comfy and cozy inside Tim Drake's subconscious. At first, I had to limit the time I spent in Drake's body. He's not aware of what I do... chalking up lingering memories to bad dreams. If his family misses him, I simply call wifey and tell her, [Imitating Drake's voice] "I'm working late, honey." [Goes back to his own voice] The changes come at will, now. And soon, I'll be strong enough to live in this body permanently. MR. J'S ON THE REBOUND, BABY! MY COMEBACK PARTY'S GONNA SET THE WHOLE TOWN ON FIRE!




 * The Joker: [after targeting Wayne Manor] Adios, Brucie. I suppose I should salute you as a worthy adversary and all that, but the truth is I really did hate your guts. [blows a raspberry at Bruce, then turns to Terry] How about you, kid? Any last words for the old Bat-fart? [referring to Bruce] ["Bat-fart" becomes "Bat-coot" in the edited version]
 * Batman: Yeah. Sic 'im!
 * [Ace arrives on cue and attacks the Joker]




 * The Joker: [notices the satellite laser is heading for the abandoned candy factory] Oh, good! The beam's headed here! Now I'll have to start all over again. Thanks for wrecking everything, kid. [Turns to leave] See ya 'round.
 * Batman: Hold it! [Grabs Joker's wrist]
 * The Joker: Wise up, junior, GAME'S OVER!
 * Batman: I'm taking you in!
 * The Joker: [laughing] Right! [punches Batman several times and throws him onto table, which breaks under his weight] You're out of your league, McGinnis. I know every trick the original Batman and Robin knew at their peak.
 * Batman: Maybe. But you don't know a thing about me.
 * The Joker: YOU?! What's to know?! You're a punk! A rank amateur! A costumed errand boy taking orders from a senile old man. Still, if it's a whupping you're a-wantin'...
 * [He rolls up his sleeves, and Terry runs to the door]
 * The Joker: That's right. Better run and save yourself... it's about your speed. [Terry closes the door, then breaks the switch to prevent escape]
 * Batman: Let's dance, bozo.
 * [As they fight, Joker gets the upper hand]
 * Batman: [To Bruce, through comlink] He's tough. Any suggestions, boss?
 * Bruce Wayne: Joker's vain and likes to talk. He'll try to distract you, but don't listen. Block it out and power on through.
 * Batman: Wait... I like to talk too...
 * [They fight, and Terry knees the Joker in the gut]
 * The Joker: What're you doing?
 * Batman: Fighting dirty.
 * The Joker: The REAL Batman would never-- [Terry pushes the knee in further]
 * Batman: Told you ya didn't know me.
 * The Joker: Funny guy...
 * Batman: Can't say the same for you. [shoves the Joker so that his gut hits a table]
 * The Joker: Impudent brat. Who do you think you're talking to?
 * Batman: Not a comedian, I'll tell you that.
 * The Joker: [draws a laser pistol] Shut your mouth! [fires at Batman]
 * Batman: [retreats into the rafters] The real Batman never talked to you much, did he? That's probably why you were so fixated on him. [tosses a batarang, knocking the gun out of Joker's hand]
 * The Joker: Don't play psychoanalyst with me, boy!
 * Batman: Oh, I don't need a degree to figure you out. [hits the lights with a batarang, turning them off] The real reason you kept coming back was you never got a laugh out of the old man.
 * The Joker: I'm not hearing this...
 * Batman: Get a clue, clowny! He's got no sense of humor! He wouldn't know a good joke if it bit him in the cape... not that you ever had a good joke.
 * The Joker: [really getting angry] Shut up... Shut up!!
 * Batman: I mean, joy buzzers, squirting flowers? Lame! Where's the "A" material? Make a face, drop your pants, something!
 * The Joker: Show yourself!
 * Batman: You make me laugh. But only 'cause I think you're kinda pathetic. [mimics the Joker's laugh]
 * The Joker: Stop that!
 * Batman: So you fell in a tank of acid, got your skin bleached and decided to become a supervillain. What, you couldn't get a job as a rodeo clown? [laughs mockingly]
 * The Joker: [grabs some grenades] Don't you dare laugh at me!...
 * Batman: [laughs harder] Why? I thought the Joker always wanted to make Batman laugh!
 * The Joker: [throwing grenades] YOU'RE NOT BATMAN!!!


 * The Joker: [as he takes off Batman's mask and strangles him, he laughs] C'mon, McGinnis! Laugh it up now, you miserable little punk! LAUGH! [in a sing-song tone] I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
 * Terry: Ha... ha. [jabs joybuzzer into the back of the Joker's neck, frying the microchip and destroying the Joker forever, before Terry puts his mask back on]