Irregarding Steve

The C. I. A. Talent show is in a week. So I need everyone's help to- They found me. Francine, get on the counter. Now! Francine, it's time you learned the truth. My name is not Klaus. It's Professor Max Hammer. And my job is to save the world. Dark forces have banded together- not all of them human. Vampires! Mexican vampires. They are after this amulet. See? The lost city of Atlantis. I found it. And I found you. - Klaus, shut up! - You shut up! Bwap! Did my interpretive dance sell it? - I want a popcorn maker for my attic. - Don't be stupid, Roger. The attic is above sea level, and popcorn doesn't pop above sea level. I know. I've spent time in Denver. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It's not dumb, Roger. My dad's a genius. He knows everything. So what's Denver like, Dad? Well, it's 2,000 miles above sea level, so the winds are fierce. Hence its nickname: The Windy City. Wow. Maybe someday, if I study hard enough I can be as smart as you. Which reminds me. I have an oral report on fossils tomorrow. I already know how to talk. So the remaining Hmm. This sandwich could use a little something. There we go! Now to just type "fossils" into the search engine. And now to just separate the fossil sites from the porn sites. "Tyrannosaurus. " Fossil. "Babe-osaurus. " Porn. "A symposium on the Pangaea theory of the Permian extinction-" Wow! That is some nasty porn! Arnie, stop chewing on the line. Hi! Hi, Gilbert! Gilbert, I told you. - Your brother can't keep biting through utility lines. - He won't, Jerry. I promise. The Internet is down! I was in the middle of trading stocks online. I was about to make a killing in silver and use the money to buy a popcorn maker! Forget your crazy dream of popping corn above sea level. I have my report due tomorrow. - What's all the commotion? - Wait. Dad, you can help me with my report. Uh, Steve, I don't think that's a good idea. - Your dad's kind of a moron. - No, he's not. Dad, do you know anything about fossils? Are you kiddin'? I know everything about fossils. Steve, grab a pen. Then, in 5,000 B. C a mere 1,000 years after the creation of Earth the human-dinosaur treaty fell apart and they drove the dinosaurs underground. And that's where fossils come from. Dumb-ass. Damn it! - Problem, Steve? - What are you doing here? And where did that swivel chair come from? I brought it down from the attic for dramatic effect. It wouldn't fit through the door, so I had to take off the wheels. Frankly, it was a hassle. But worth it, like Klaus's costume. It's fun to play dress up. Not all the time, but sometimes. Not this time. I wrote down everything my dad told me, and I got an "F" on my report. - He's an idiot! - That's what I was trying to tell you. But relax. This isn't a bad thing. It's an opportunity. As the two smartest people in the house we can manipulate your stupid father to get everything we want! I don't know, Roger. That sounds kind of mean. Steve, sympathy is for the herd. And you are a shepherd. I am a shepherd. All right! Let's go screw some sheep! - Oh, I- - Yeah, yeah. No. I know what you mean. Kudos to the way you conned my dad into getting us this popcorn machine. It was just a matter of finding the right way to combine the words "tasty," "low-fat" and "9/11. " Speaking of 9/11, I believe that was my dad's S. A. T. Score. Sir, you are a wit. You should write for basic cable. Look at her, Steve. That is the most tasty, low-fat 9/11 memorial ever. - Why are you laughing? - Because your plebeian rodent brain fell prey to the carnivorous hawk that is my mind. You can't talk to me like that. Irregardless of what you think of me, I'm still your father. "Irregardless"? That's not even a real word. Y- You're affixing the negative prefix "ir" to "regardless. " But as "regardless" is already negative, it's a logical absurdity. - I have half a mind to- - There he goes exaggerating again. You're grounded. It's time, Steven. What's going on? I can't live under the roof of a man who's forcing me to walk in his ignorant footsteps. And I can't live under the roof. Literally. L- I live right under the roof, and I hate it. We're going to the one place on Earth where we can turn our intelligence into a big pile of money. Magic Land? - No. New York City. - Fine. Go. Farewell, simpleton. Après moi le déluge. That's what Andrew Cunanan wrote in his high school yearbook. Byesie-daisies. - Stan, do something. - Trust me, Francine. Steve's not going anywhere. All he has is the shirt on his back and the $1,600 I gave him to pay this quarter's kid tax. By the way, can you believe this kid tax? Bueno. Muchas gracias, Toshi. None of Steve's friends have seen him. I should have never let them leave. What if they really did go to New York? Francine, they're not in New York. They're in the tree house? Oh, thank God. Not so fast. It's time to teach our little geniuses a lesson. We'll ignore them and see just how long they can last up there. Who's the idiot now? Arnie, stop playing with the curtain. Don't you yell at him, Gilbert. He's your brother. You have to take care of your brother. - Yeah, Gilbert. You have to take care of your brother. Hello, New York. And good-bye, struggling gay actor. Oh, my God! You missed it. Some cameraman was just creamed by a bus. - Oh, my God! - I know. Lunch? - We've made it, Steve. - That's right, pal. New York City. No dumb people here. They herd them all into New Jersey. Finally someone brave enough to take a swipe at New Jersey. Look. If it isn't Beauregard Les Fontaine Langley Falls's premier hair stylist. Well, slop me up a bit of coincidence. What made y'all scooch on up to the Big ol' Apple? Warn the cops, 'cause I'm gonna make a killing in the stock market. And I'm here to strike it rich as a comedy writer for television. Or as I like to call it, Smell-O-Vision. As you can see, I'm going to do very well. Well, delicately kiss my pomegranates. I'm here to make a splash too. I'm gonna join New York's long tradition of wealthy, obnoxious weirdos. Gentlemen, to our genius. Audience Laughing] That is so Raven. Here's some brownies for my little runaways. Arnie, come bring your mama one of them brownies. I'm coming, Mama. Mmm! Oh, Arnie, you're my knight in shimmering armor. Steve, I- I read your sketch packet, and I just had to meet you. I expected as much. My comedic samplings are sublime. No. Not quite sublime. More the worst packet I have ever read. What do you mean? Everything in there is gold. Pure gold. Gold. Okay. Uh, well, let's take the first sketch. Uh, I believe that one's entitled "Quantum Rape. " Come on. It's brilliant. It's about a guy who gets thrown into a jail cell and his cell mate is in there because he just raped Scott Bakula. Yeah. And then the rapist spends eight pages explaining the premise of Quantum Leap to the guy. But the guy just doesn't get it! ClearlyJon Stewart was raped as a child. - What other explanation could there be? - Don't worry. I got us covered. I put all of our money in the stock "S. J. P. " It's a sure thing. As soon as that bell rings, we'll be in the money. Here we go. Watch S. J. P. Take off. What the hell was that? - You said S. J. P. Was a sure thing. - I don't understand. S. J. P. Is in the new Spielberg movie. It's gonna be huge. What are you talking about? S. J. P. Is a Canadian chiropractic supplies company. You mean it's not Sarah Jessica Parker? What? No! Isn't this the Hollywood Stock Exchange? You know, the Web site where you buy and sell celebrity stocks - based on the ups and downs of their careers. - No! Oh. Then what is all this? This is the New York Stock Exchange! Like in the movie Wall Street? I thought that was Hollywood make-believe like children of every color being at the same McDonald's. But back home, you said you were about to make a fortune in silver. Ron Silver! Wow. I guess running away builds up an appetite. Mama. There's a storm coming, Mama. Ooh! Scary. Scary storms up there, Mama. Mama? Mama, you're hiding from me, huh? Mama's hiding from Arnie. I know that. Mama? Mama? Mama? Roger, we have 20 bucks left. We can't afford another night here. Would you relax? I've got a plan. - May I help you? - My friend and I will be staying indefinitely without paying. That seemed a little extreme. Couldn't they just escort us out? - Roger, you spit in his face. - I don't think so. That doesn't sound like me. Dad, you can't let Steve and Roger stay in the tree house. - They'll catch their death. - Nonsense. Death has better things to do like remembering Tony Curtis already. They'll stay out there until they respect me. Trust me. A little rain won't hurt 'em. Oh, my God! They're dead! No! It's okay, Arnie. It would have taken a crane to get her out. And this way, she won't be a joke. Why? I can't feel my arms. Buck up. We're gonna make it through this. We still have 20 bucks. In this town, with our brains, we'll turn it into millions in no time. I'll have the new issue of Cherry, and keep the change, my good man. - Roger! - Steve, it's a special big butts collector's issue. Someday it'll be worth a fortune. Now we play the waiting game. - Hi. - Hi. - How was your day? - Fine. Washing the dishes? Mm-hmm. Honey, it's been three weeks. Maybe we should start planning Steve's funeral. I wanted to go get him! I wanted to bring him inside! But you wouldn't let me! Our baby's dead because of you! Don't you think I know that? No! - I can't make it, Stan. - Yes, you can. Look, this is killing us. We need to get away. We need to take a trip far, far away. But we can't afford that. Well, there is Steve's college money. Well, I guess he won't be needing it. Our little cowboy is in a better place. So, basically, all I have to do is stand here and beautiful women will pay me to have sex with them? - That's right. - Prostitution is awesome! - Now, why am I wearing a cowboy outfit? - It's your gimmick. You're the Cowboy of Sixth Avenue. Howdy. Who wants to be the first buckaroo through these double doors? Um, Roger, those were guys. I know. I just doubled your clientele. I got a brain for business. I'm not having sex with guys. Do you want to crawl back to your idiot father and admit you were wrong? That you couldn't make it on your own? - That you don't have the brains to make it out here? - No. Of course not. I'm here to make sure you never have to go through anything that degrading. Now put these on. They're knee pads I made out of old diapers. I never thought I could be happy again. I feel like Steve is here with us. Hey, Steve. Want to steer? Ah. Feels good to laugh. Roger, it's been two days and no customers. Maybe my mouth's not as pretty as you keep saying. - And your cough is getting worse. - I'm fine. Let's just go back to our cardboard box and see if the rattrap snagged us some din-din. Ooh! Ooh! A limo! You can do this, Steve. Always remember. You're a whore. - Beauregard! - Look at you two poor things out here in the cold. Why don't y'all come on back to my hotel? Steve, is this really happening? 'Cause I just shotgunned a 40 of Robitussin, and everything's kind of awesome. Your friend can rest here while you and I adjourn to the bedroom. Oh. Oh, God. Um, uh, uh, my friend's really sick. I don't think I should leave his side. Right, Roger? No, I need some me time anyway. You kids have fun. - These are my associates. They like to watch. - Oh, that's unsettling. Steve, do you know who said, "I can resist anything but temptation"? Um, Jesus? It was Oscar Wilde. - How gauche. - Oh, yes. This is definitely my new boy. Just how I like 'em. Dumb as a bag of Mississippi mud. - Excuse me? - See, my friends and I like to amuse ourselves by finding stupid people and mocking them. I'm not stupid. - I don't have to put up with this. - Go ahead, Steve. Go back to the cold. That's what I thought. Now scooch on over here and spell "hors d'oeuvre. " - Here's your mail. - Oh, dandy. My French Vogue came. Read it to me, cover to cover. You're just gonna make fun of me 'cause I can't speak French. This is so humiliating. Can't you just have sex with me? Steven, I could be having sex with you right now. You'd be too dumb to know it. That's it. I'm gonna go lay down. What would you like to lay down? A tray? 'Cause you don't lay down. You lie down. You must be from a family of morons. Probably comes from daddy passing on his defective chromosomes. Do you even know what a chromosome is? 'Cause you've got, like, nine extra ones! - Don't talk about my dad that way. - Ow! - Just because he doesn't know everything, doesn't- - Aaah! Mean- - He's stupid. - Oh! Hey, Roger. Get this. Beauregard, the greyhound-riding half man- His middle name is Lawrence. What a freak. I don't think I'm gonna make it, Steve. My one regret is not watching enough television. - Steve, where are we going? - We're going home. - You're gonna be okay, Roger. - Thanks, old friend. Get your whore jacket off me. That's $2,000. We're going to Rome! Thank God for eBay and Steve's prized collection of death masks of the Little Rascals. Steve! - Steve! We thought you were dead! - What about me? - We thought you were dead too. - Dad, I said some pretty mean things to you, and I'm sorry. That's okay. Irregardless, I'm glad to have you home, Son. Irregardless, I'm glad to be home too. I'm not. I hate this place. Good night! The doctor said it would be a miracle if Arnie lived past a year and a half. Well, he just turned two. Mama's gone, and so is the tree house. - But we can go anywhere. - Come on, Gilbert. We can go anywhere. Bye. Have a beautiful time.