The Slide

Sad Rocky

 * Okay, are you guys gonna ask why I look so down or what?


 * Sorry dude, I thought that was your gaming face.


 * Yeah, mine looks like a lonely widow looking out at the waves that claimed her sea captain husband.


 * Mine's like halfway between a sneeze and a belch.


 * Are you gonna ask me or not?


 * Oh, sorry, yes. What's wrong?


 * You wouldn't understand.


 * Okay then.




 * Just kidding. We're here for you dude.


 * The only woman I've spoken to in the last six months was a farmer's daughter who wanted me to retrieve her goat.


 * Sounds like you could milk that situation.


 * It was in the video game we're playing.


 * Oh.


 * Did you find the goat, though?


 * It's not the point! Instead of living my life, all I do is waste it online raiding orc villages with a couple of juvenile dwarves.


 * Hey, Gisly and Tarquin were very useful in the last raid. They just need to gain more XPs.


 * I meant you two.




 * If I wasn't such a neutral good character, I would push you into that lava pit and steal your loot.


 * I could start a new character and be your girlfriend in the game.


 * A dwarf and an elf can't be in love. It goes against the lore. Besides, I've already seen the woman of my dreams.




 * I looked everywhere for her, but she was gone. She was the one.




 * Dude, you know how people say there's only one love in their life and that if they'd never met them, they'd have been alone and sad forever?


 * Yeah?


 * That's because they're married to them and it would be very expensive to say otherwise.


 * Well, what am I supposed to do?




 * You have not interacted with a female player for...




 * Ever. Meet the love of your life, download our new app now.


 * It's a sign.


 * No, it's a cynical ad aimed at desperate people. But let's be honest, they've hit their target.




 * I'll give it a try.




 * Traweler?


 * Oh, I've heard of this! It's called Trawlr!


 * Trawlr? Why?


 * I get it! It's because there's plenty of fish in the sea, and uh, you, uh, won't catch uh, you won't catch a fish with- No no no, uh...


 * And you need the net to catch it!


 * And you need the net to-


 * Nu ah ah, I said it first!



Making Rocky's Trawlr Account

 * Okay, you're gonna need a good photo if you want to stand out.


 * This Internet dating thing lacks romance. I always thought that I would meet my girlfriend by bumping into her and accidentally switching brief cases, or she runs me over with her pickup truck and while I'm lying on the road, she gives me CPR and when I come round, she wipes away the dribble and we share a passionate kiss.


 * How 'bout prison, you got a romcom scenario for that?


 * Why?


 * You look like the kinda guy who loves taxidermy and long walks in the dark.


 * It's 'cause they're the wrong angle for a selfie. Everyone looks awful from underneath. You need to go high. Look. Ugly.  Pretty! See?




 * I guess we're going to have to do what every teenager does on the internet. Filter and crop! And voila!

Trying Out Trawlr



 * Now, it's asking me to write a bio. How would describe my financial situation?


 * Tragic?


 * It also wants to know my hobbies.


 * Well?


 * I like cheese and internet memes!


 * That's gonna be hard to sell.


 * Well, how would you describe me? I'm a school janitor who mops the bathrooms and serves slop in the cafeteria for less than minimum wage.


 * Just embellish the truth. Like, uh, I work for a nonprofit organization that saves children from squalor, diseases, and starvation.


 * Ok, so here's how it works. I get profiles of girls located in the same town, and I slide down when I see the one I like. If she does the same, we get to chat.




 * She looks like a puppet made out of meat!


 * Her hair looks like it's made out of lots of little hairs!


 * And what's wrong with her hands?! Aw dude, she's got five fingers! Slide up! Slide up!




 * Now, we're talking.


 * Should I slide down?


 * No dude, you need to check out the market before you park it.




 * Too tall.




 * Too small.




 * Too average size.


 * Aren't they going to feel bad being rejected?


 * Meh, it's all virtual, no one actually gets hurt.










 * Are you sure we're not being too picky?


 * You tell me. This one just sent a picture of her new tattoo of Rocky's face.




 * On her face.




 * Uh, slide up.








 * Oo, what about this one? Ah, she likes me, she said "Hey," what do I say? Quick, I need a pickup line!


 * Oh, uh, how about, "Hey girl, did you know that when you're in love, your heart burns up to a hundred calories per hour? Wanna go for a workout?"


 * Yes, great! Type exactly what we say.




 * And, send! "Are you calling me fat?"


 * Uh, no no no! Say "I just meant, was your dad a baker?"


 * She says "Why, because it looks like I only eat cake?"


 * No! I was gonna say "because you look very sweet!" Awh, you pressed send too early!


 * Try, "You could stop traffic."




 * "I get it, cause I'm such a car crash."


 * No! "Because people would stop to look at you!"


 * Try, "Was there an earthquake or did you just walk into the room? Because you rock my-"




 * Stop pressing send too early, you dork muffin! Wait, did you just?  "Was there an earthquake or did you just walk into the room you dork muffin?" What is wrong with you?!


 * Okay! Okay! I'm trying but you're going too fast! In case you haven't noticed, it's kinda hard to text with these! Ugh, I give up, it's like my mom always says:  "Meh meh, meh meh meh."


 * What?


 * I have a face only a mother could love.


 * Yeah, well your mom is so nasty that she bit a dog and gave it rebies. You're still typing, aren't you.


 * Yeah.






 * On the plus side, you got another hit.




 * Okay, this one just has a picture of a white mask. Pickup line?


 * "Are you a combination of my recent memories and my childhood traumas? Because girl, you are a dream."




 * What? That's what dreams are.




 * "Meh meh meh meh meh meh..."


 * So?




 * Nah, she rejected you.


 * Finding love on the internet is like spray cheese. It might taste like cheese, but it's really bad for your self-esteem. What happened to finding love the romantic way? Like looking at each other across a crowded room at a party neither of you are enjoying. Or chasing after someone before they board their flight and disappear forever.


 * That only happens in the movies. Which you would know if you could get a date to go to the cinema with.




 * Dude, what did you say the girl of your dreams looks like?


 * Like my soulmate.




 * That's her! The girl from the mall!


 * Puppet victory dance!




 * Time to slide down, 'cause things are looking up!




 * Wait.


 * What?


 * You just slid up.


 * What do you? What! How!?


 * I was holding it flat, the picture was toward me! You slid the wrong way man!


 * Well, slide it back!


 * You can't! That's how it works! If you slide up, it's over!


 * She's gone.


 * No! If she popped up on that phone, it means she's still in town. Rocky, it's time for romance.



Finding Rocky's Soulmate



 * Out of the way! Move!


 * What is wrong with you?!


 * We're trying to find the love of his life before she disappears forever!


 * Well, if it's in the name of love, then...




 * What does she look like?




 * I saw her at the hospital.


 * Thank you.






 * We need to see your medical records!


 * Are you crazy?! That's illegal!


 * It's in the name of love!


 * Well if it's in the name of love, then...


 * Uh, her name is Byrdie! She lives in the suburbs with her parents, and she was born with three ears!




 * Ah, but she got one surgically removed.


 * & : Meh.




 * Help! Thief!


 * Don't worry, it's in the name of love!


 * Well, if it's in the name of love, then...


 * Wait, that car looks faster.




 * Byrdie!


 * What do you want?


 * Love.


 * Upstairs, second on the left.




 * No worries.




 * What are you doing here?!


 * He's been chasing you since you lovingly locked eyes at the mall, before you disappeared into the crowd.


 * He's been on a quest to find you all day!


 * He pushed babies to the floor!


 * He stole your medical record!


 * He jacked a car!


 * And ran over your dad when he stepped between you!


 * All in the name of love!


 * That sounds a little like child bullying, breach of privacy, grand theft auto, battery, and stalking. Let me rephrase that: it's exactly what it is! And for the record, we did not lock eyes lovingly!




 * And why did you hit him up on Trawlr?


 * Because the creepy guy standing in my bedroom looks nothing like this!




 * Wait! Wait, after everything you've been through to find me, I can't just let you walk away. So...




 * Thanks, man. It's not the same, but it'll do for now.