First Valentine's Day

Yeah, I ordered the heart-shaped cake with "Happy Valentine's Day, Molly" spelled out in Red Hots. When will that be ready? Perfect. I'll be by later to pick that up. You know, normally, they do the wording with little icing flowerets but my lady likey the Red Hots. Oh, that's right. It's Mikey that likey the Mike and lkeys. I'm taking her to her favorite restaurant, a carriage ride down Michigan Avenue then back to her place for dessert and champagne. Carriage ride? With that cold wind blowing off the lake? Man, you ain't gonna see your testicles till late March, early April. The nip in the air promotes snuggling. Plus, I'm bringing thermal underwear and ski masks. Mm, sounds sexy. Like two cat burglars in the worst getaway vehicle ever. I thought you'd be happy for me. I finally got a girlfriend I can do something special with on Valentine's Day. You're saying last year wasn't special? Drinking beer with you at that offtrack betting place? It was one of the most depressing nights of my life. That's because none of your dogs came in. You gotta look at the animal's pedigree, study its behavior. You don't just throw 10 bucks at a dog because his name is Scooby-Don't. Ha, ha. Scooby-Don't. Don't worry about me. I got plans of my own tomorrow night. - You got a date? - Something better than a date. I got a strategy. Oh, this isn't the walking-into-the-ladies'-room pretending-to-be-blind thing again, is it? - That was an accident. One door had picture of palm tree, other had two coconuts. And we both know two coconuts can go either way. So, uh, what kind of strategy are you talking about? Well, women have very high expectations on Valentine's Day. - True? - That's true. That puts pressure on the man, which usually results in an argument and/or an ugly breakup. - Oh, no. So about 10:30, the streets are gonna be lined with brokenhearted bitches looking for a ride home. Let me understand this. You're gonna cruise around the city looking for sad, stranded women? You are ghoulish. Ghoulish like a fox. Mm! These are delicious. Now, who are they from? Gary, the Channel 9 weekend weatherman. The guy with the bad rug? You know, he even wears that thing in bed. I woke up one morning and it was stuck to my crotch. Kind of liked it. It was very retro. Hey. - Hey, sweetie, how was your day? They served chili in the school cafeteria so my afternoon was one long debate about who smelt it and who dealt it. - Another package for Miss Victoria Flynn. - Who's it from? Uh, no return address. Just a picture of a smiley face smoking a joint. You know what they say: "Candy is dandy, but yay weed. " Oh, look at this. Mike made me a valentine. "Through wind or sleet or rain or shine I will always be your valentine. " As soon as I heard "shine," I knew exactly where he was headed. Aw, look. He made it out of construction paper and cut out little letters and glued them on. Looks like a ransom note, doesn't it? If he didn't sign it, I'd be pretty spooked. Isn't that sweet? He wants tomorrow to be perfect. Vince is doing the same thing. He booked us a suite at the Sybaris adult motel. - Ugh, really? - From 6:30 to midnight. He's out right now buying extra chlorine for the Jacuzzi. Mike and I are going to dinner and then we're taking a nice romantic carriage ride down Michigan Avenue. Oh, Vince doesn't like carriage rides. He says a visible horse anus is a boner killer. Sure. Gary the weatherman has the same problem with midgets and schnauzers. That's why we can't ever do it at the circus or the dog park. Sure. Well, I guess the upside, we all have dates on Valentine's Day. Oh, yeah. I mean, these are high-class problems. This is her favorite bakery. She has no idea that I know about it. How did you find out? We drove by it once, she said, "That's my favorite bakery. " Look at you listening to a woman. You gonna make detective yet. Gentlemen, how can I help you? Yes, I'm here to pick up a cake that I special ordered for my girlfriend for Valentine's Day. - All right, I think everybody heard that. Your last name? Biggs. Two G's. - And he has a girlfriend. Ha, ha. I'll be right back. Help yourself to a sample of our maple bars. There was a time when I would've walked in here with a gallon of milk and a credit card and not stopped till I hit drywall. I'm proud. You're showing willpower and restraint. Right? It's been a long time since we pulled over a Little Debbie truck for expired tags. All right, Mr. Biggs with two G's. We have a chocolate cake with vanilla buttercream frosting. Oh, that's gorgeous. You, sir, are a pastry magician. Mm, I second that emotion. This is like a bear claw and an angel food cake had a sweet, tasty baby. Ha, ha. Well, thank you. "Happy Valentine's Day, Molly. " It's perfect. Had to go to a gas station to buy the Red Hots, but I think it came out pretty nice. Sounds like we might have enough left to spell out Flynn. Ah. Well, wait a second. - This cake is for Molly Flynn? - Uh-huh. Oh, of course. You're Mike the cop. I can't believe this. I'm Kyle. - Kyle. - Yeah. Oh, Kyle the baker. This is Carl, the other cop. - Nice to meet you. - You too. I couldn't be happier for you and Molly. I consider her one of the best things to ever happen to me. - Though it didn't work out between us. - Right. Oh, I'm sure Molly's already talked your ear off about me backing out of our wedding. - Wedding? - Shut up, Carl. - Let the man tell his story. - Water under the bridge. Important thing is you two found each other. Uh-huh. - What do I owe you for the cake? - You know what? It's on me. Consider it my Valentine's present to you and Molly. - Thank you, that's very generous. - Yeah. Carry the cake, my knees are starting to buckle. - Should we grab a couple of maple bars? Get in the car. I'm such a chump. A big, dumb, trusting chump. Jesus, this is moist. What's the big deal if she had a boyfriend before? Uh, not boyfriend. Fiancé. Big difference. They made a promise, they exchanged "I love you's. " - I'm guessing they exchanged a lot more. - Not helping. God, this frosting just melts in your mouth. That son of a bitch! I'm sure she has a good reason for not telling you about that man. She's still in love with the guy. And I'm just the stupid rebound guy she kills time with till they get back together. You're jumping to conclusions without knowing facts. Right, fact, Molly had a secret fiancé she never told me about. Fact, he still has feelings for her. Fact, he called off the wedding, so she still has feelings for him. He is ruggedly good-looking and in terrific shape. Not helping! Listen, you don't wanna do this right now. You're angry, you got cake on your nose. I think a man deserves to know the truth about the woman he's dating. See, you and I differ. I don't wanna know anything. I don't wanna know she did jail time, has grandkids my age or used to be named Jerome Wadlow III. - Go wait in the car. - You're gonna regret this, man. I know what I'm doing. I'm just gonna talk to her calmly and get this whole thing straightened out. Hey, Mike. Deceiver. - What? - When were you gonna tell me, huh? When was I gonna find out about your little secret? Come inside and tell me what you're so upset about. Oh, you'd love for me to come inside. Maybe hang my coat up in your closet full of skeletons. Is that cake in your ear? Probably. From your favorite bakery. I was gonna surprise you for Valentine's. But little did I know, I'd be getting the surprise. You met Kyle. Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about him, but it was a long time ago. You were gonna stand at an altar and promise to be with him forever. I can't even get you to join Costco with me. Well, I'm not gonna give up my Sam's Club membership just to make you feel loved. And there it is. Done and done. Happy Valentine's Day, Molly Flynn. Mike, get back in here and let's talk about this. Whoa! Unh! - Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine. Nothing broken but my heart. And your sidewalk. Shut up and start the car! I was gonna give this to Molly with a little heart-shaped chocolate. Take it. Too many memories. Where's the chocolate? Take the stupid flower and bring me a tall stack of blueberry pancakes. Don't move. You ate a whole freaking cake yesterday. - It was sugar-free. - It was still 5 pounds of food. What difference does it make? Did you see the way Kyle was built? You could see his abs and he was wearing a smock. - I can't compete with that. - He was cut. Plus, he works in a bakery. A man with a lot of self-control and discipline. He was personable too. Kind of a quiet dignity. Why don't you both marry him? Hey, I know you're hurting, but I do not appreciate that tone. Nor the implication of our homosexuality. What if this is just the tip of the iceberg? What if there's other stuff? - You told her about your past? - Full disclosure. I've been an open book. About that overweight-singles cruise? If memory serves, you did very well on that love barge. I bet no one came knocking when that boat was a-rocking. I'm just saying, everybody has something in their past. - And you can't hold it against them. - True. One day, a person could be a hired assassin in the Senegalese Secret Service the next day, he's being commanded to fetch a fat cop his pancakes. Thank you for the rose. Mike, it's Molly. Again. Uh, look, I understand that you're upset but let's not blow this thing out of proportion. I love you. So quit acting like a big baby and call me back. He's still not taking your calls, huh? I guess I'm spending another Valentine's Day by myself. Although the janitor at school did offer up a rather disturbing romantic scenario. Hey, listen, lamb chop. I know I'm not your real dad but I don't understand why you just don't tell Mikey your ex-fiancé is a big fruit. Mom, you told him? Vin and I discussed it, yeah, because we don't keep secrets from each other. - Unlike some people. - Oh, really? I'm just saying, relationships are built on a foundation of trust. Of course, that foundation better be rebarred into a bedrock of hot, nasty sex. Thank you for the fatherly advice, Vince. Hey, I've lived, I've loved. And with that comes a certain amount of wisdom. And crabs. All right, Vin, no more sharing. Believe it or not, trying to explain to Mike that I almost married a gay man is a little humiliating for me. Sweetheart, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You met Kyle in college, you liked each other. He didn't even know he was gay yet. Just out of curiosity, how'd you figure it out? You catch him trying on your panties or did he just say: "Boy, I wish you had a wiener. " This right here is why I don't like talking about it. Molly, you don't have anything to be ashamed of. I was so desperate to have a boyfriend that I was willing to overlook some pretty obvious clues. I mean, Mom, he painted my toenails while we watched Sex and the City. Well, you'll explain all this to Mike and you guys will be even closer. Amen to that. And by the way, offering to paint a lady's toes doesn't necessarily make a guy a swish. Vince, FYI, "swish" is no longer the politically correct term. Homo-Americans? There you go. I went to so much trouble to make sure tonight was perfect. - I know. I even snuck into her iPod to see what kind of music she likes so I could serenade her with one at a karaoke bar after dinner. - What'd you come up with? - "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC. Molly likes metal? It was the only thing in her iPod that didn't suck. I mean, it is filled with whiny chick music. I had to pull the earbuds out before I got my period. Michael, what in the world are you doing here? I thought you were taking Molly out for Valentine's Day. Yeah, well, that whole thing sort of fell apart, Nana. I thought I was the first man that Molly'd ever said "I love you" to. Turns out, she'll say it to anybody who can make a decent pie crust. I see. So you thought you were her prince charming on a white horse and now you're seeing other hoof prints in her yard. I bet they're not as deep as yours. Did anybody ask, "What do the stupid people think?" - No. - No is right. So just sit there until we need a learned opinion about drinking out of the milk jug or what time the neighbor lady takes her bath. Hey, I was shoveling the driveway and she left her blinds open. You need to find yourself a woman and get out of my house. Now, Michael, Molly's a grown woman and you can't get upset with her because she's got a past. I know that. I just didn't think her past included some hunky guy that's in way better shape than I am. So this ain't so much about Molly as it is about you feeling a little less than. Maybe. I mean, how can I ever measure up to a guy like that? In your own way is how. And I'm guessing acting like a jackass on Valentine's Day ain't helping your case. See, you gotta ask yourself which one you'd rather be the man she used to love or the man she loves right now. Thanks, Nana. - Good luck out there, Carl. - Where are you going? Don't worry about it. I got a strategy. Mm-hm. And if you walk into the ladies' bathroom at church again pretending to be blind I will slap the black off of you. - We're closed. - It's Mike, the cop. Mike. - Why aren't you with Molly? - Oh, I'm with Molly. Just so you know, I'm gonna be with Molly for a long time. Good to hear it. Is that what you came by to tell me? Yes, it is. Oh, and I need a cake. - What happened to the other one? - She ate it, I didn't get a bite. - She ate the whole thing? - Look, it doesn't matter who ate what. I need something to replace it. Well, what you see is what I got. - Most of the best stuff is already taken. - That's right, it is. Don't forget it. Molly's with me now. No take backs. There's a new sheriff in town. His name is Mike Biggs. - I know. With two G's. - Yeah. I might not be sporting a six-pack or know how to make tiramisu but she's my girlfriend now. And even if you change your mind, you can't have her. Don't worry, Mike, I'm not gonna change my mind. You say that now, but you changed your mind about marrying her. What's to stop you from doing it? I'm guessing the fact that I'm gay might be a bit of a speed bump. I'm sorry, bump, gay, what? Gay. With two G's. Molly didn't tell you that part? No, she did not. But I try not to pry into her past. See, our relationship is built on trust. Well, there's nobody more trustworthy. After all I put her through, she went out of her way to stay friends. She's really a remarkable girl. Of course, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. Yeah. Listen, I gotta try to salvage what's left of tonight. - How much for heart-shaped cookies? - Seven dollars. Seven dollars? It's a freaking cookie. It's a really good freaking cookie. Can I get three for 20? Oh. Ugh. Ew. Coconut. That one doesn't count. Molly, I'm sorry. It doesn't matter what happened in the past. Because every single thing made you the person that I love now. I love you too, but you've been acting like a real jerk. You're absolutely right. How can I make it up to you? I don't know. Why don't you stand there freezing your marbles off while I think of something? Fair enough. Oh, and you're gonna join Sam's Club. They really don't have the inventory, but okay. Had me fighting for air She told me to come But I was already there The walls start shaking The earth was quaking my mind was aching We were making it This is actually turning out to be a really nice Valentine's Day. Knocked me out, I said you Shook me all night long Want a little more champagne? No, thank you. Well, it's chilled if you want it. How about another cookie? Better not. I had one small bite of about 140 chocolates earlier. Tell me about it. I ate a whole cake yesterday. Happy Valentine's Day, Mike. Happy Valentine's Day, Molly. Oh, we're rounding the corner. Here comes the head winds again.