I Ain't No Holodeck Boy

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! The TV is mine, boys. Downton Abbey is on and I intend to see if Lord Grantham will be able to modernize his accounting practices. Dad, just hold on, we're on the last level of the game. What is this game? You're just throwing stuff at old-timey ladies. You go back in time and have to find Hitler's mom when she was pregnant with him and somehow induce a miscarriage. It's called Nazi Natal Nightmare. Keep tossing! She's heading for the hospital to give birth, but it's not too late! We need to aim for the soft spot on baby Hitler's head. One direct hit there, and we can still prevent the Holocaust. You killed my grandparents, you bastard! I'm tired of you kids always being indoors and playing video games. Play outside for a change. But we already completed, Outside. And Outside II: Without a Sweater. Have you kids ever spent a day outside just throwing actual rocks with your actual arms? Nah. No, no. Hmm. No. I've heard of rocks. No. No. No. Have any of you ever held an actual nudie magazine that your friend, Mark, pulled out of the Dumpster at church? Oh, no, haven't done that, no. No. And I bet you've never felt the rush of stumbling across a dead body while roaming through the woods. No, Papa. Well, I have. And all that real-life living made me the man I am today. I didn't need video games. I invented my own games, like rock fight. Not sure you invented rock fights. I did invent it! And I was the champion. I defeated the guy who taught me. Dad, we make our own games, too. That game you so rudely shut off, that was an existing Franco-Prussian war game we jzushed up with code we wrote ourselves. Steve, the words you just strung together devastate me. Go outside and play now! Oh, for God's sake. Dad, we were FaceTiming with each other. You really have to do something about your dad. Who said that? Identify yourself. Stan, what's going on? These kids are wasting their childhoods on their video games and phones. So this weekend, I'm taking them to the woods so they can have the kind of adventures I had as a kid. Absolutely not. Steve can't handle the woods. He wears Velcro laces, Stan. Velcro, like an infant. But, Mom I mean Francine! Forget it, Stan. You will not take our boy into the woods or you're grounded! I mean, cut off from sex. Promise me you won't take him, Stan. All right, I promise, Francine. Will Stan keep his promise? Will Steve and the boys get their phones fixed? Will they? Get in the house, Randy! Have you ever looked up at the night sky and thought, "I'd like to get in on that"? At the International Star Registry, you can actually purchase your own star. I bought one for my wife on our anniversary. I bought one for myself when I got passed over at work. I haven't bought one yet, but I'm real close. Ha! What a bunch of suckers. That's as stupid as buying a goat for a poor family in Africa. Roger, you know every year I buy a goat for a poor family in Africa. Oh, right, you're the sucker that actually cares about stuff. And by the way, you're wasting your money sending a goat over there. You could have shipped Jim Breuer for half the cost. American Dad! Remembers Jim Breuer. You know what, I am sick of you pretending you don't care about anything and making fun of those of us who do. Sure, make another joke. But deep down, I know you care about something, and I'm gonna find out what. Sounds like a great use of your time, but three things you might want to deal with first: mustache, eyebrows mustache. Steve's never gonna have the type of childhood I had. It's sad. Kids today! When I was a lad, I never saw the point of playing inside. Until I was sent to an all-boy's boarding school. Then my tune changed. What I'd love to do is drop those kids in the middle of the forest, make them have some real experiences, like wolves' kids do. Sir, these cucumber sandwiches are divine, but when did the CIA get a tearoom? At the same time that we got a yacht! Whoa! What the hell?! Where are we? I'll tell you where we are. At the top of an active volcano! What was in that tea? A very light opiate, but that has nothing to do with the visions you're seeing. Follow me. This control room is able to calibrate force fields so strong that the holographic images projected onto them feel real to the touch. Ah! So it works like the holodeck. The what now? From Star Trek. Some of us spent the late '80s and early '90s getting laid, Smith. In any event, I call this room the hologram deck. So it can recreate any environment? Well, any environment stored in our bank of human memories. Wait, you recorded our memories? Yes, remember those headphones you got for Christmas? They weren't headphones. Those things never worked. Actually, they worked perfectly. Here's one of mine. Have a look. Oh, Avery, you're as tight as the fabric on a reupholstered davenport. Not for long, I wasn't. This was the day I started to like playing inside. Playing inside, eh? Wait a minute. So this holodeck could simulate the woods I played in as a child? Of course it can, Smith, but you do know we're seconds away from a sex scene, right? This one's going straight to Instagram. Oh, Klaus already liked it. Thanks, Klaus! No, thank you! Hey, Roger. I decided to buy a little present for myself. You bought a star. Hilarious. Not just any star. Look closer. X3Q8F-3X? That's-that's my home planet's sun. And I own the deed. It's mine. I guess that makes me your leader. Yeah, it bothers you, doesn't it? Maybe I found something you care about. It's a piece of paper that means absolutely nothing. I don't care. I don't care at all. Oh, then you won't care if I name the star after something you hate. You could name it Jessica Seinfeld, for all I care. Maybe I will. Oh, my God, why did I put that in her head? Oh, no! Her water broke. We're running out of time! Hit her with everything! Toshi, use your mega-hanger! I know he's gonna be a monster, but I do love babies. Boys, I'm sorry I was a jerk the other day. I'd like to make it up to you. I'm taking you all to Gamer Town to buy you whatever games you want. I also got you guys these cheeseburgers. Can't buy video games on an empty stomach. Well, I guess today is gonna be my cheat day. Thanks, Dad. You really came around on thi Mine's not working. Have three more. Oh, man. Your dad must have roofied those hamburgers. Where the hell are we? You're in the forest, but not the actual forest, so technically I kept my promise to Francine. My first promise. I can't believe my dad ditched us here. Guys, how long do you think we can last out here? I don't know, but if we're gonna die, I'm not going out a virgin. Well, if trees count, then I'm Wilt Chamberlain. Come on, you guys, don't just stand there. Explore the forest, have adventures. Hmm. Turning down the temperature ought to get them moving. Wow, it-it's getting chilly. Does anyone know how to build a fire? I know a fire-making spell from Harry Potter. We need to climb into someone's abdomen for warmth. Everyone whose name isn't Barry, meeting. Wait, I got a better idea. Maybe we should spoon for warmth. I wish there was movie we could watch. A movie?! You're in the middle of the forest! All you're doing is lying around! That's it, this train's moving out of the station right now! Toshi, you're out of sync. Can you please bring your breath into alignment with the rest of us? Oh, my God! A bear! Protect me! I look the most like a honey pot! Roger, what are you doing? Who are you to wake up and question me? You wouldn't happen to be looking for this, would you? Look, I'll give you the certificate, Roger. You just have to admit you care about it. This is not the thing I'm looking for. Are-are you trying to use the Force on me? You know that's make-believe, right? So's Rocky! Ow! Sorry! I'm getting kind of scared. What happens if we never find our way home? _ Guys, relax. My dad can be a jerk, but he's not gonna let us die out in the forest. He's just trying to teach us a lesson. I'm hungry. Are you sure you're not just tired? I don't know! All my feelings feel like hungry! Well, let's try to find something that we can eat. Well, my plan seems to be working. Now if I push off just right, it should carry me all the way to the hot cocoa machine. I'm Sandra Bullock! Ow! Guys! Come quick! Look what I just knocked open. Oh, my God! Somebody killed a robot and buried it in the forest! No, Barry. I-It's obviously a control panel. I need you to respect my ideas. Look! Integrity breach. Panel exposed. Damn. Better close that panel before the boys see it. Dad. He clearly put us in some sort of CIA holodeck. I am fuming and also nerding out! Come on, now's our chance! Whoa! Looks like the tables have turned. Yep. I'd say this is a classic dad-puts-son-in-holodeck- then-finds-himself- in-said-holodeck- that's-now-controlled- by-son scenario. Greetings, subject. On your feet, peasant! What what the hell is going on? Well, since I'm queen of your solar system, I figured I should start dressing like it. That's why I'm wearing a prom dress from the Salvation Army. Okay, first of all, Hayley, we have a prime minister, all right? Second, dress how you like. I couldn't care less. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a soufflÃ©. This is Miss Kentucky 2007 all over again. Hey, look. They have the recorded memories of every CIA agent! Hmm Let's mess with him. He thinks his childhood was so much better than ours, let's send him back there. Wait, this is my childhood home! What's happening? Oh, the boys must have gotten into the control room. Stan? Stan, is that you? Daddy? Hello, son. I love you! Wait, that's not how Grandpa talks. He says "I love you" with a cup check. I'll tell you why. His memories are being put through a nostalgia filter. He's seeing all of this through rose-colored glasses. Well, let's take this down to zero and see how things really were. I remember a time when we didn't need a nostalgia filter. Oh, those were the days. Get out of here, I'm busy! Go play in your tree house! Oh. Okay. Yeah, I'll go play in my tree house. Tree house! Oh, yeah. I remember that. How is he liking this? Ah the old hood. Thanks, boys, this is great! There's the factory, the slaughterhouse and the river of clotted beef blood that came out of it where I used to race paper boats. Ooh, I'm where I discovered my first dead body! Aw, there's my special guy. This isn't messing with him. It's weird and he's loving it. You guys, what can we do to mess with him? Well, this is basically just a big computer game. I can try to change the code. Yes, my toad. "Pwn" him. I didn't notice when I was younger, but this is a great tie. I wasn't trying to steal it! Nice job, Snot! It's so real! I-It looks like he's actually getting hurt. He is. I thought that's what we wanted. No! I-I just wanted to scare him, not hurt him! Now might be a good time to take a break. Snot, get rid of the zombie! That's impossible. The code's merged with the simulation. I can't delete it. Okay, kids, that's enough! Turn it off! What the hell? How did it get so big? I used the Klara Hitler code from our game. We made her bigger so it would be easier to hit her belly. But we never won that game! Wow, we've had a lot of backfires, but this is the most recent. He's getting larger! And more confident. He's not even walking like a zombie anymore. He's skipping! I've gotta go save my dad. I've gotta go in there. Thank you, Toshi, but I must go alone. All right, guys. Armor me and supply me with weapons. And can I get some snacks between me and the target? Oh, my God, these dots are delicious! Who knew? Oh, greetings, royal subject. Be a good vassal and fetch your queen a Choco Taco most frozen. I'm sorry, Your Majesty. Kind of got my hands full right now. Recognize this little guy? It's the goat you bought for that family in Africa. Wait, h-how did you get him? Give me that certificate, Hayley! Roger, what the hell are you doing? Hand over that star certificate or the goat gets it! Are you crazy? I don't know. I just went on a 53-hour Dexatrim-fueled trip to Senegal to kidnap a goat! You tell me! Okay, fine! Take it! Geez. Thank you! Ha! I win! Actually, I win. Because only someone who truly cared would have gone to the lengths that you did. You poor thing. You think this is over. Nice dead guy! Good little dead guy! I thought you were just a salesman who had a heart attack on a hike! What the hell, man? Dad, take cover! And it's time for you to chill out. Snot, change my gun to a freeze ray so my clever line makes sense. Steve! Dad! I don't know if we'll get out of here, son. He's unstoppable. If only he had an Achilles' heel we could exploit. That's it! Snot, come in. I know you can't take out code, but can you add it? Yeah, you got a plan? I need you to program the Hitler fetus into the zombie. What? Why? 'Cause the zombie needs a weak spot that we can use to defeat it. But we've never been able to kill the Hitler baby. Maybe we just didn't have a good enough reason. Oh, I get it. 'Cause now it's your family. Steve, I just pressed "enter. " Did it work? You did it! Dad! The fetus' weakness is the soft spot on his head! You need a direct hit! With what? You said you were champion of rock fights. Time to prove it! Auf Wiedersehen, you undead son of a bitch! I'm the champion! Uh, Dad? Nice rock throwin', Pop! Nice video game stuff, son! You know, I was wrong. I thought you boys weren't prepared for the future. But now I realize your future is gonna be filled with that crap, so keep it up. You guys'll be just fine. Thanks, Dad. And maybe you can teach me how to throw a rock sometime. It's too late for that, friend. Oh, I didn't know other people used this thing on the weekends. You guys can stay, but it's gonna get really weird. Darling, hold off. They don't know if they're staying yet. So then Dad nails the Hitler fetus right in the head and the whole thing explodes! Wow! Klaus, that makes your story about thinking someone might've come to the door around 3:30 really boring. Maybe I told it wrong. It was crazy! Mom, dinner is delicious tonight. Oh, Roger made it. Is it lamb? Similar to lamb. Oh my God! American Dad! remembers Mutumbo the goat.