The Love Car Displacement


 * Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order?
 * Sheldon: Since we come in every Tuesday night at 6:00 and order the same exact thing, and it's now…[checks his watch] 6:08, I believe your question not only answers itself, but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as "Who Let the Dogs Out?" and, uh…"How are they hanging?"


 * Amy: Shame. Since you’re my best friend, I thought it would be a good bonding opportunity.
 * Penny: I’m your best friend?
 * Amy: Don’t you read my blog?
 * Penny: Oh, don’t feel bad. I never read Leonard’s and I used to sleep with him.


 * Leonard: So, how do you wanna do this?
 * Penny: Well, I’m not getting in bed with him.
 * Leonard: Yeah, it is a little like getting into Dracula’s coffin.


 * Sheldon: Howard is a complete and total ass, Bernadette is in Penny’s bed, Amy bites, and Penny may or may not have coitus with Leonard.


 * Sheldon: Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Howard, you promised.
 * Howard (voice): Fine. Red Five to Red Leader. What do you want now?
 * Sheldon: It’s eleven fifteen. I’m requesting your quarter-hourly location update.
 * Howard: Still right behind you.
 * Sheldon: Copy that, Red Five. Radio contact is sufficient. No need to extend your middle finger.
 * Penny: So, Amy, I’ve been wondering, are you and Sheldon going to be sharing a room?
 * Amy: No, we discussed it. We decided we didn’t want to jeopardize our relationship by getting to know each other too well.
 * Sheldon: Indeed. Nothing sours a friendship more than over-familiarity with someone’s toilet routine.
 * Leonard: I can vouch for that.
 * Penny: Hey.
 * Leonard: Not you, him.
 * Penny: Oh. Thanks.
 * Leonard: Although yours was an eye-opener.
 * Amy: Don’t worry, Penny. You’re my plus-one. You’ll bunk with me. And FYI, travel makes me constipated, so I’m the ideal hotel roommate.
 * Penny: Terrific. Are we there yet?


 * Bernadette: I hope we get there in time to see the keynote address.
 * Howard: Really? You want to see the keynote?
 * Bernadette: Yeah, it sounds fun. Super bacteria: global apocalypse or exciting research opportunity?
 * Howard: Actually, I was thinking we could go straight to the room and take a nap.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Howard in shock) Really? And miss the keynote?
 * Howard: We can watch it later on C-SPAN. Besides, I was really looking forward to you and me napping together in the hotel.
 * Bernadette: Well honey, if you’re that tired, why don’t you just take a nap here in the car?
 * Howard: No, see, it’s not…
 * Bernadette: Hang on. It’s Leonard. Hi, Leonard.
 * Leonard (voice): Yeah, hi. Listen, I just got a text from Raj. He wanted me to tell you that when Howard says nap, he means sex.
 * Bernadette: (she thanks Raj sarcastically) Oh. Thank you, Raj.


 * Leonard: Are you an element in the actinoid series?
 * Sheldon: No. Amy?
 * Amy: Are you usually radioactive when found in nature?
 * Sheldon: No.
 * Amy: Are you in the lanthanoid series?
 * Sheldon: Amy, it’s Penny’s turn. Penny?
 * Penny: Uh, I don’t know. Are you food?
 * Sheldon': That’s not apropos. We’ve already established I’m found in the periodic table.
 * Penny: Well, it’s a table, right? I mean, why can’t there be food on it?
 * Sheldon: I knew she wasn’t lead car material.
 * Penny: Who elected you Road Trip God?
 * Sheldon: Leonard.
 * Leonard: It was a late-night vote. We were all exhausted, and he was threatening to filibuster. It’s not technically Road Trip God, it’s Travel Supervisor.
 * Sheldon: Although Road Trip God does have a certain ring to it.
 * Penny: I don’t understand why you people just let him bully you like this. Someone should stand up to him. What’s he going to do?


 * Penny: I can’t believe you let him kick me out of the car.
 * Howard: What could we do? He’s the Travel Supervisor.
 * Bernadette: Don’t worry, Penny. This is a better car anyway.
 * Howard: Yeah. It’s the Love Car.
 * Penny: Should I ask?
 * Bernadette: (singing) They say we’re young and we don’t know, we won’t find out until we grow.
 * Howard: (singing) Well, I don’t know if all that’s true, ’cause you got me, and, baby, I got you.
 * Together [Bernadette & Howard]: (singing) Babe, mm da-da, da-da, da-da, I got you, babe, da-da, da-da, da-da, I got you, babe…
 * Penny: Red Leader, I’m really sorry.


 * Amy: I missed you.
 * Penny: You know what? I missed you, too.


 * Very tall and powerfully built man: Bernadette?
 * Bernadette: Oh, my God, Glenn!
 * Glenn: Great to see you!
 * Bernadette: Are you here for the conference?
 * Glenn: Yeah, I’m doing a global warming panel.
 * Bernadette: Oh, good for you. Uh, Glenn, this is my boyfriend Howard.
 * Glenn: Oh. Nice to meet you.
 * Howard: Hi. Ow. Hi.
 * Glenn: You’re a lucky man. Bernie’s a great gal.
 * Howard: Yes. Bernie sure is.
 * Glenn: Well, I got to run. The panel’s tomorrow morning. It’s called, Remembering Snow: A Look Back.
 * Bernadette: I’ll try to catch it.
 * Glenn: Oh, great. Bye.
 * Bernadette: Bye.
 * Howard: Hey, Bernie?
 * Bernadette: Yeah?
 * Howard: Please tell me he’s your gay cousin.
 * Bernadette: No. He was one of my professors in college.
 * Howard: Oh! That’s a relief.
 * Bernadette: Then we went out for a year. Come on, let’s check in, so we can take that nap.
 * Howard: (after Raj whispers to him) No, it’s not necessarily proportional. Shut up!


 * Howard: That green bag is Dr. Cooper’s. Here’s an extra five. Make him wait. Oh. Right to the nap, huh? Okay? Uh, so, this Glenn guy. You say you went out with him for, like, a year.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Howard crossly) Do we really need to talk about my old boyfriend now?
 * Howard: No. I guess not. What is he, like, six-four, six-five?
 * Bernadette: Six-seven.
 * Howard: Probably has a hard time finding a suit that fits.
 * Bernadette: (she's slightly too worried) Is something bothering you?
 * Howard: No. It’s just…
 * Bernadette: What?
 * Howard: I’m just thinking. If you had sex with that guy, I mean, there’s nothing I can do here that will make any kind of impact.
 * Bernadette: (she is quite stroppy) Howard, it’s not a contest. I love you. I want to be with you.
 * Howard: Yeah, great, love you, too, but, if it were a contest, I wouldn’t have a chance, right?
 * Bernadette: (she's slightly too annoyed) You can’t think that way.
 * Howard: Yep. Loser.
 * Bernadette: (she is now very cross) Howard, stop it.
 * Howard: Sorry. I just never figured that a guy like me going out with a girl like you would ever have to compete with a guy like that.
 * Bernadette: (she is still very cross) Wait a minute, a girl like me? What’s that mean?
 * Howard: I’m… I…
 * Bernadette: (she's getting even more crosser) Are you saying you don’t think I’m hot enough to go out with a guy like Glenn?
 * Howard: No! No, I’m saying exactly the opposite.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Howard with huge anger) I’m too hot to go out with a guy like Glenn?
 * Howard: Yeah, let’s go with that.
 * (Bernadette now shrugs with even more fury)


 * (The scene of Amy's hotel room where Penny is seen reading a brochure to the sound of toilet flushing. The bathroom door opens and out comes Amy who immediately shuts the door grumpily)
 * Amy: (she complains to Penny about her bowel movement) Still nothing. Remind me to try again in an hour.
 * Penny: Will do.
 * Amy: So, girl talk?
 * Penny: Um, sure. What do you, what do you got in mind?
 * Amy: Do you subscribe to the Freudian theory of penis envy?
 * Penny: Um, I never really thought about it. Why?
 * Amy: Sometimes I think it might be nice to have one.
 * Penny: Really?
 * Amy: Not for sex, for convenience. You can’t deny that, by comparison, our internal plumbing is extremely high maintenance.
 * Penny: Again, I’ve never given it much thought.
 * Amy: We have time now. Think about it.
 * (The two girls now hear a knocking at the bedroom door)
 * Penny: (she's gets off the bed in a temper) Oh, good.
 * (Penny strides to the door and opens it to reveal that it's a really, really cross Bernadette)
 * Penny: (she greets Bernadette) Hey.
 * Bernadette: (she's asking Penny crossly) Can I stay here tonight?
 * Penny: Yeah. Why, what happened?
 * (Bernadette is still very, very cross about Howard's insults of jealousy)
 * Bernadette: (she is complaining to Penny crossly) Howard’s a complete and total ass.
 * (Bernadette frowns crossly about Howard for one last second)
 * Penny: (she reassures her) Oh, yeah, that. Come on in.
 * (Bernadette stops being cross by entering the room)
 * Bernadette: (she's quite relieved) Thanks. I’ll sleep on the floor.
 * Amy: Not necessary. Penny and I are perfectly comfortable sharing a bed.
 * Penny: We are?
 * Amy: Of course, we’re best friends.
 * Penny: Oh, right, right, the blog.
 * Amy: Word of warning, though. I’m prone to night terrors, so if I wake up kicking and screaming, don’t panic. Just pin me down and stroke my hair, and I’ll be fine.
 * (Penny now has a miserable expression of 'this is going to be a bad night for me' on her face after what Amy has said)


 * Sheldon: Good morning and welcome to Science and Society. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, BS, MS, MA, PhD, and ScD. OMG, right? (he does a sarcastic laugh) Perhaps that joke was a little too hippie-dippy for this crowd. All right then, we’ll begin with opening remarks. (He introduces the furious Bernadette to the audience) Miss Rostenkowski, would you like to start us off by discussing your assessment of science's responsibility to society?
 * Bernadette: (she speaks grumpily to Sheldon) Sure. (she's now very cross once again) I think all branches of science have to move cautiously these days. (she subtly hints that Howard's penis size can pleasure her) It’s not just giant nuclear weapons that can destroy the world. As a microbiologist, I can tell you even the tiniest organisms can still tear you a new one.
 * (Sheldon faces Bernadette shockingly for one second)
 * Howard: (he is still jealously angry with Bernadette) Interesting. I think what you might need to know about my colleague is that though she claims her field of interest is tiny organisms, she certainly has spent her fair share of time around what we can assume was pretty massive weaponry.
 * (Sheldon looks a bit shocked at Howard's speech for one second)
 * Bernadette: (she is still very cross with Howard) I think Mr. Wolowitz needs to keep in mind that the past is the past. But he should know that I am the kind of girl who could get all the giant missiles she wants.
 * (Leonard and Raj looked shocked by what Bernadette had said)
 * Amy: (she speaks sarcastically) Are we talking about women wanting penises? Because I’d like to weigh in.
 * Sheldon: Dr. Koothrappali, would you care to join the conversation?
 * Raj: Certainly. I’d like to raise two points. Number one, I think they are talking about penises. (Sheldon looks shocked at Raj's speech for a few seconds) And number two, these mimosas are kicking my little brown ass.
 * Leonard: I’d like to kick your little brown ass.
 * Raj: What did I do?
 * Leonard: (He is so very cross with Raj) Oh, I don’t know. Maybe when you walk into a hotel room and you see a guy getting back together with his girlfriend, you should consider doing something other than crawling into the adjoining bed.
 * Raj: I did. You said no Bridget Jones.
 * (We now hear an angry Penny's voice yelling in the background)
 * Penny: (out of vision) We weren’t getting back together! It was a one-time thing!
 * Sheldon: Excuse me. We’re not taking comments or questions from the audience just yet.
 * (We now hear Penny's voice getting fully angry in the background)
 * Penny: (out of vision) Oh, shut up, Sheldon!
 * Amy: Hi, bestie.
 * Penny: (out of vision) Yeah, hi.
 * Sheldon: All right, why don’t we see if we can bring this back to topic.
 * Howard: Let me ask you something, Bernie.
 * (Bernadette gets even more crosser with Howard)
 * Sheldon: I guess not.
 * Howard: How would you feel if you met my ex-girlfriend and she was like Angelina Jolie?
 * (Bernadette looks at Howard and she shouts at him crossly)
 * Bernadette: (she is so enormously cross) Oh, come on, Howard, be realistic.
 * (Bernadette now faces the microphone in a double-rage while Howard looked shocked for a few seconds)
 * Howard: What, I’m not hot enough for Angelina Jolie?
 * (the silent Bernadette does an 'Oh' expression in huge fury whilst Raj makes his speech)
 * Raj: I’d like to weigh in here. No.
 * Sheldon: Okay. Why don't we open up to Q&A from the audience?
 * Penny: Yeah, I have a question. Is there anyone who can get me the hell out of here and back to Los Angeles tonight?
 * Glenn: I'm driving back to L.A. tonight.
 * Bernadette: Penny, that's Glenn. Glenn, that's Penny.
 * Leonard: (he yells with loud jealousy) No!


 * (the ending scene in Bernadette’s car to which Howard and Bernadette are still looking very cross with each other as a way of not speaking to each other after thier big row they have had at the conference. The hungover Raj is in the back with a "what's coming next" expression. Both Bernadette and Howard look crossly at each other for one second and they face the view just as Sheldon's voice on the walkie-talkie comes up)
 * Sheldon (voice): Red Leader to Red Five. (Raj holds his ears) Red Leader to Red Five. Anybody up for a little game? I spy with my little eye. (Howard opens the window furiously) a nonferrous metal.
 * (Howard throws the walkie-talkie out of window grumpily and he now closes the window furiously. Raj suddenly vomits into a carsick bag)

Scene: Leonard’s car.
 * Sheldon: Must be out of range.
 * Amy: (she's asking Leonard crossly) Leonard, can I ask you a question?
 * Leonard: (he speaks in a glum voice) Sure.
 * Amy: Are you bothered by the fact that your former girlfriend left the symposium with what is probably the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen in my life?
 * Leonard: No. Why do you ask?
 * Amy: Because we’re going 120 miles per hour.
 * Sheldon: All right, if no one’s going to guess, I was spying the aluminium rims on the police car we passed a few miles back.