Hail Doofania!

Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.!

Doofenshmirtz: Look at this, Norm. My brother Roger has been elected mayor! Look at him. He's honest and reputable and, ugh, law-abiding! Oh! There isn't room for both of us in the Tri-State Area! Hmm. Norm, I know what we're going to do today.

(Flynn-Fletcher home; in the kitchen)

Isabella: Hey, Phineas. Whatcha eatin'?

Phineas: Fruity Rainbow Flakes. You want some?

Isabella: Oh, no, thanks. I already had breakfast. (Picks up the cereal box) You know, I've never really seen one of these in real life.

Phineas: You haven't?

Isabella: No, but I'd sure like to.

Phineas: Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today.

(Linda comes in through the kitchen door holding Perry, who has an Elizabethan collar around his neck.)

Linda: Hi, boys.

Phineas  Hi, Mom. What's with the satellite dish?

Linda: It's a protective collar. The vet says that Perry needs to wear it for the rest of the day.

(Perry chatters)

Linda: I still don't know how he scratched himself up so much.

(Flashback. Doofenshmitz and Perry are on the edge of a building during a battle. Doofenshmirtz suddenly thrushes an umbrella at Perry.)

Doofenshmirtz: Aha!

(Perry looses his balance then falls into a sandpaper factory. The sandpaper manages to shred some of his fur off.)

(Flashback ends)

Phineas: Well, I think it's cool.

Linda: It's a bold fashion statement, all right.

Phineas: Speaking of bold fashion statements, have you seen Candace today?

Candace: (offscreen) MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

(Scene shifts to the living room. Candace is wearing Vanessa's clothes)

Candace: This is a total disaster!

Linda: What? What?

Candace: The dry cleaner switched my clothes with some Goth chick! I look like a total freak, like I'm all outsider-y.

Phineas: I wonder what happened to Candace's clothes.

(At D.E.I.)

Vanessa: (Is on her cell phone wearing Candace's clothes) I can't believe it, Lacie. I look like a walking candy cane. I mean, how many evil scientists' daughters do you know who-- (Drilling) Hold on, Lacie. I can't hear myself great.

Doofenshmirtz: (Chuckling/humming)

Norm: What'cha doooin'?

Doofenshmirtz: "What'cha doin'?" What does it look like to you? I'm building an evil empire. My very own Fortress of Eviltude.

Norm: Aren't you a little old to be building a fort?

Doofenshmirtz: No, no, I'm not. Shut up.

Vanessa: Dad, I told you a hundred times, I –

(Drilling resumes)

Norm: Don't forget, Friday is cake day.

Vanessa: I have to call you back. (Closes cell phone) What on Earth is going on here?

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, Vanessa! Well, you're looking... uh... Oh, no matter. Where we are going, you can dress up like a clown every day if you want.

Vanessa: Wh-What do you mean, "Where we're going"?

Doofenshmirtz: We are moving... to a golden country on the sea, a country created by the greatest mastermind of our time, me. Assisted by Norm.

Norm: I'm drilling.

(Scene shifts to the docks)

Doofenshmirtz: I bring to you... Doofania! Where there will be no brothers trying to make me look bad. No. I will be the ruler of my very own evil empire!

Vanessa: You're building your own evil land?

Doofenshmirtz: Yes, yes, an evil country.

Vanessa: And you made a plush model?

Doofenshmirtz: Well, yeah. You know, I, uh... I had a lot of... felt.

Vanessa: You do know what this means?

Doofenshmirtz: That we'll finally have that special daddy-daughter bond you've always craved?

Vanessa: No. It means I am finally gonna have proof. Ha! You are busted.

Busted!

Vanessa: I'm gonna tell Mom.

Doofenshmirtz: Great. Tell her what?

Vanessa: (On her cell phone) Mom, Mom, you've got to come quick. There's proof that Dad is evil.

Charlene: Vanessa, honey, I'm having my me-eeee day, remember?

Vanessa: Uh, but –

Charlene: Look, hon, why don't you give your old dad a break? Just try to make the best of it, and I'll pick you up later. (Ring) Oh! Time for my seaweed mud wrap. Gotta go.

(Beep)

(Flynn-Fletcher home; in the backyard)

Phineas: Is everything all set, Ferb?

Ferb: (Ding)

Phineas: Great. Now-- Hey, where's Perry?

(Perry tries to get into a secret lair entrance but repeatably fails because of his collar)

(Scene shifts to Perry's lair)

Major Monogram: Agent P? Agent P? Hello, Agent P? Agent P? (At Carl) Carl, he does know this is scheduled for this morning, doesn't he?

Carl: It's on his calendar, sir.

Major Monogram: I mean, we sent the e-mail, right?

Carl: I think so. Let me check.

Major Monogram: (Singsong) Mommy-mi-moe-moo. Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. Me-ma-moe-moo-my-pa. (Clears throat) Ma-moe-mee-ma-moo.

(Back in the backyard)

Isabella: Hi, Phineas. What'cha doooin'?

Phineas: Well, you know how you said you'd never seen a rainbow in real life?

Isabella: Well, actually, I –

Phineas: Behold! (Beep) The Rainbow-Inator!

Isabella: Well, that's nice, Phineas, but I--

Phineas: Made with real crystals and super-charged with Fruity Rainbow Flakes.

Isabella: You guys don't understand--

Phineas: Soon there will be a giant rainbow that will sprawl across the entire Tri-State area! (pause) Or at least that's the plan anyway.

(Outside a lawn mower store)

Linda: Candace, honey, could you hold the door for me? I have to return this novelty lawn mower your father got.

Candace: (Frustrated groan) I just don't want anyone to see me in these clothes.

Linda: You think you feel ridiculous? I'm carrying a jackalope into a lawn mower store.

Candace: Okay, Mom. I'll wait for you in the car.

Mindy: Candace! When did you go Goth?

Candace: What? I didn't!

(Snapshot)

Mindy: And... send. (beep) Wow, 50 replies already.

(Candace's cell phone rings)

Candace: Hello?

Stacy: (On cell phone) Candace, I heard you're Goth now. Why didn't you tell me?

(At the docks)

Doofenshmirtz: Well, Norm, I've got to give it to you. Under my genius supervision, you turned out extremely adequate work.

Norm: We're all very impressed with your numbers, sir.

Doofenshmirtz: Although something seems to be missing. I know, it's Perry the Platypus!

(In the backyard; Perry's still trying to get into his lair)

(Scene shifts back to the docks)

Doofenshmirtz: What's keeping him? Gee, I hope something horrible happened to him.

(Pause)

Norm: Does someone need a hug?

Doofenshmirtz: Of course not, you glorified waffle iron! Just launch it now.

Vanessa: (Talking on her cell phone) Mom, I'm at the docks. You gotta get down here right away.

Charlene: (Muffled) Okay, honey. I'll see you at FEH.

Vanessa: You'll see me at 5:00?

Charlene: No. FEH.

Vanessa: 4:00?

Charlene: FEH.

Vanessa: "Feh"?

Charlene: Yeah. FEH.

Vanessa: (Confused) Okay...I'll see you at "feh".

(Beep)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, hi, Vanessa! What do you think? My own country, eh?

Norm: I love what you've done with the place.

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah. Yeah, I think it's nice.

(Outside of another store)

Candace: This time I am staying right here where no one can see me.

Linda: All right, suit yourself.

Candace: (Gasps) Oh no! Mom's gonna get a ticket! (Inserts coin in parking meter) That would have been embarrassing.

Jeremy: Whoa. Candace, are you going Goth now?

Candace: Uh, uh, I'm not wearing this. I mean, I'm wearing it in that it's actually on my body right now, but I'm not attached to it. Not to say that I'm attached to my other clothes. I mean, I can actually take them off. No, no, no. But, I mean-- I didn't want to put these-- I-I want to put clothes on, but I-- It was a mix-up, Okay? The dry cleaners and a-- a jackalope lawn mower, and-- (Pants) Do you like it?

(At the docks)

Doofenshmirtz: All right, Norm, the anthem, please!

(Whirring)

(Song: "Hail Doofania!")

In the bay off the coast of the Tri-State area

Floats a country for me and me

It's new, it's bright

And it's founded on spite

And it's everything I dreamed it would be

Hail, Hail Doofania!

(Record needle crackling)

Doofenshmirtz: D-Does it feel like it stops too quickly? Eh... We'll work on it.

(Horn honks)

Vanessa: Oh, good, Mom's here! Mom, where have you been?

Charlene: I told you on the phone I would meet you at FEH, the Freight Emergency Harbor?

(Ship horn blows)

Vanessa: Okay, never mind that, but Dad and Norm built an entire country on the sea. Come on!

(In the backyard)

Phineas: Okay, Isabella, ready to see your first rainbow?

Isabella: But, Phineas, I keep tellin' you--

Phineas: Oh no, don't thank us yet, Isabella. I only wish Perry was here to see this.

(Perry bangs the Elizabethan collar against the house in frustration)

Phineas: Ferb, power it up! Isabella, pour, pour!

(Meanwhile...)

Fishermen: (Notices the rainbow) Ooh! Wow!

Fisherman: (Throws fishing rod, Air hissing) Oh?

(Air whistling)

Doofenshmirtz: Well, that can't be... good.

Vanessa: See? You see? Look, look.

Charlene: I do see it. What a cute little city! Oh, and it's soft! (At Doofenshmirtz) Heinz, you made this plush model?

Doofenshmirtz: I had a lot of felt!

Charlene: Well, at least it holds together. (Squeaking) Remember that dining set you tried to build for our apartment?

Doofenshmirtz: It's hard to forget when you keep reminding me.

Vanessa: But-- but-- but...

Charlene: Oh, come on, Vanessa. I think we need to get you out of the sun.

Norm: Who's up for a game of lawn darts?

Doofenshmirtz: I'd prefer to play hide-and-seek because I don't want to see you.

Norm: Ouch.

(In the backyard)

(Perry sighs)

(Charges at entrance, but clangs and vibrates to Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella)

(Beeping)

Ferb: You know, in retrospect, I question the inclusion of a self-destruct button in the first place.

(A butterfly floats into Perry's collar; Perry sneezes, and the butterfly flies out.)

Phineas: (said in the same manner as Doofenshmirtz) Bless you, Perry the Platypus!

(In Perry's lair)

Major Monogram:  Mow, mow, mow, and my heart starts pumpin'

Chicka-chicka-choo-wa

Never gonna stop

(Carl joins in) Gitchee-gitchee-goo means I love you

I work alone, Carl.

Carl: Sorry, sir.

Major Monogram: It's a solo.

(Back in the backyard)

Phineas: So, Isabella, what'd you think of your first rainbow?

Isabella: Well, it was really pretty, but it's not my first rainbow.

Phineas: But you said you'd never seen one in real life.

Isabella: No, no, I've never seen a unicorn.

Phineas: Oh! (Sees a unicorn, which can be barely seen near the rainbow) That's completely different. Hey, Ferb, I know what we're doing tomorrow.

(Perry chatters)

Phineas: Perry, I almost forgot. It's the end of the day. You don't need to wear that thing anymore. (Takes the Elizabethan collar off of Perry) Enjoy your freedom!

(Perry puts his fedora on and sneaks away.)

(At the docks)

Doofenshmirtz: 8...9...10! Ready or not, here I come! (Takes hands away; sees Norm hiding behind a pole, which is revealing) What? Oh! No, no, no! It's called hide-and-seek! You hide, and I seek. I cannot seek if you don't hide. So you go hide yourself. Ignoramus. Go, go, go. Let's - Let's try this again. (Recovers eyes) One, two, three... ten! Now where is he?

Norm: I'm right here, sir.

Doofenshmirtz: (face palms; notices Perry) Oh, there you are, Perry the Platypus. (At Norm) Hey, Norm, look who decided to show up!

(Pause)

(At the dry cleaners)

Vanessa/Candace: Hey!

End Credits
(Song: "Hail Doofania!")

Doofenshmirtz: There's a bright, shiny place

With a flag that bears my face

And it's floating on an inner tube

Far away from city life, my stupid brother and ex-wife

And it's got an evil attitude

Hail, Hail Doofania!

(Record needle crackling)

You know, the stopping is still bothering me.