Rock-a-Bye Bivalve

SpongeBob: (runs outside to retrieve the newspaper) Gary, the paper’s here! (Gary comes out on a skateboard. SpongeBob gives him the paper) You can have this, buddy. 'Cause all I need is the entertainment section! (humming while he stretches the rubber band around him) I am a happy sponge! (runs around, laughing, while Gary is reading the paper)

Gary: Meow. (SpongeBob runs into Patrick, who has a rubber band stretched around him)

Patrick: I see you got the paper. (rubber band snaps)

SpongeBob: Oh, hey, Patrick. (rubber band snaps. Patrick clears his throat) Well, I’d better get going!

Patrick: Yep, see you later. (both walk off but then hear a chirping noise then they both run back)

SpongeBob & Patrick: What did you say?

Patrick: Well I didn’t say anything.

SpongeBob: I didn’t say anything, either.

SpongeBob & Patrick: See you later then. (both walk off again and the squeaking noise is heard again so both run back)

SpongeBob: Alright, quit messing with me, I know you said something.

Patrick: Ah, but it is you that is messing with me. (both look down to see the squeaking noise is coming from a branch) That’s what’s messing with us! (Patrick points down to a baby chincilla)

SpongeBob: It’s a baby chinchilla.

Patrick: I’ll take care of it! (lifts up his foot)

SpongeBob: No, Patrick! It’s totally helpless. (takes the baby chinchilla in his hands) It looks like he can’t even.

Patrick: Not yet.

SpongeBob: No, Patrick, he’s just a baby. He’s all alone with no one to take care of him.

Patrick: Well, we can’t just leave him out here.

SpongeBob: You’re right. Come on, let’s take him into the pineapple. (both run in and set Junior on the ground) Hmmm, let’s see, we need a box for him to sleep in. (SpongeBob removes his pants and sets it in front of Junior) There you go. It’s the best seat in the house. (scene cuts to Gary does a rimshot)

Patrick: Let me see! (Patrick sticks his whole head inside SpongeBob’s pants) Hey, he’s kinda cute. Uh-oh! (takes his head out, which is now eaten on the side) I think somebody’s hungry!

SpongeBob: (takes out Junior and speaks like a baby to it) Is it true? Are you hungry?

Junior: Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep.

SpongeBob: I’ve got just the thing. (puts Junior on a barrel and takes out a krabby patty) How would you like a Krabby Patty? (Junior yelps)

Patrick: SpongeBob SquarePants, are you crazy? That’s not the right food for a little fella like him!

SpongeBob: Of course not. I don’t know what I was thinking. What he needs is a tiny Krabby Patty.

Junior: (sniffs the patty) Blech!

SpongeBob: Huh? No one’s ever turned down one of these before. (gobbles it and gulps it down)

Patrick: (holds up a donut) Let’s try a donut. (Junior hisses)

SpongeBob: French fries? (Junior shakes his head)

Patrick: A donut? (Junior sticks out his tongue)

SpongeBob: (holds up an apple) All we have left is this apple! (a worm pokes its head out of the apple)

Worm: Hello sea creatures! I bring you greetings from Apple World! (Junior jumps in the air in excitement)

SpongeBob: Of course, Chinchillas love worms! (picks up the worm)

Worm: Huh, wait! We will bury you! (drops it in Junior's mouth)

SpongeBob: Well, you should be good for the rest of the... (Junior cries)

Patrick: What now?

SpongeBob: I don’t know. Aww, don’t cry.

Patrick: Do something, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Uhh...uhh...uhh... Blah-blah-blah, look at the funny face! Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, look at the funny face! (SpongeBob has a puppet that looks like him on his hand) Look at the funny face!

Patrick: Wait! I think I might know the problem. (picks up Junior and looks at him) Yep, that’s it alright. (hides it behind his back) Hold on just one second. There he is, good as new. (Junior has a diaper on)

SpongeBob: How did you know?

Patrick: How do you think? (drops his pants showing that he is wearing a diaper) And I’ve been doing it all by myself for almost a year.

SpongeBob: Wow, I’m sure glad you’re here.

Patrick: I know, good thing there’s two of us.

SpongeBob: You know Patrick, since this scallop doesn’t have parents, we should raise it ourselves.

Patrick: Yeah! At least until it’s old enough to be on its own! Oh, I wanna be the mom!

SpongeBob: I don’t think you can be the mom, Patrick, because you never wear a shirt.

Patrick: You’re right. If I was a mom, this would be kind of shocking. (scene zooms out to show Patrick fat and hairy) Just call me daddy! (scene cuts to SpongeBob, in a red, polka-dotted dress, and Patrick, wearing a boe tie, leaving the pineapple with Junior in a stroller. They walk by a couple who stop and think how they could make a baby scallop between SpongeBob and Patrick. Scene cuts to them running with Junior, then sliding down a slide with it, and playing in a birdbath. Scene cuts to them getting ice cream. Ice Cream Man scoops up an ice cream cone for the parents then scoops up ice cream, with worms in it, for Junior. Scene cuts to them riding a bicycle but then SpongeBob and Patrick chase after it, with Junior on the seat. Scene cuts to nighttime at SpongeBob’s house). It sure is cute when it’s asleep.

SpongeBob: (from house) Yeah. (SpongeBob & Patrick watch Junior sleeping) Shh! (both tiptoe out of the room)

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick?

Patrick: I never thought being a parent could be this much fun.

SpongeBob: Me neither. (Patrick is sleeping on the bottom mattress and SpongeBob is sleeping on the top)

Patrick: Well Good night SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Good night Patrick. (SpongeBob’s mattress slams shut on top of Patrick. Scene cuts to morning) Patrick, breakfast is ready! (SpongeBob is cooking something over at the grill as Patrick walks in, noticing the bunch of food that is on the table)

Patrick: Alright! All this parenting stuff makes me hungry. (lifts the table up as all the food slides down into mouth. He burps then pats Junior) Hey Junior, how are you doing today? (smells an odor from Junior) SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick?

Patrick: Kid’s got a stinky.

SpongeBob: (doing many chores at the same time) Can you take care of him? My hands are kind of full. (Patrick guzzles down the coffee as Junior begins to cry)

Patrick: Wish I could, but I gotta get going.

SpongeBob: Going? Where are you going?

Patrick: (puts on a suit and takes his briefcase) Going to work. I’m the dad, remember?

SpongeBob: You mean I have to do all this baby stuff myself?

Patrick: I’ll give you a break tonight when I get home. Don’t you two stop being adorable. (chuckles as he closes the door)

SpongeBob: Okay. (chuckles weakly. Day turns into night and Patrick walks in and takes his jacket and hat off)

Patrick: Phew, what a day.

SpongeBob: Oh great, you’re home! Now you can help me with the baby.

Patrick: Aw, gee, SpongeBob, I’d love to but I’m totally beat from work.

SpongeBob: Huh? (Patrick sits down and watches TV)

Patrick: (laughs) That guy got hit in the head with a coconut!

SpongeBob: (walks in still doing the chores) Patrick, what about my break?

Patrick: Oh yeah, your break. Uh, tomorrow, I promise.

SpongeBob: Uhh, ok, tomorrow.

Narrator: Tomorrow. (scene cuts to Patrick walking in at night and taking his stuff off)

Patrick: Phew, another tough day! (walks by SpongeBob, who is still doing the same chores from yesterday)

SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick, I’m so glad you’re home after working all day. I can’t wait for my break!

Patrick: Work was a killer! I need my chair. (sits down and watches TV again)

SpongeBob: (walks in still doing chores) Patrick, I really need my...

Patrick: Tomorrow for sure.

Narrator: Tomorrow for sure... (scene cuts to SpongeBob doing the same chores as Patrick walks by)

SpongeBob: Patrick?

Patrick: I’ll get to it eventually...

Narrator: Eventually... (scene cuts to SpongeBob still doing the chores but even more tired)

SpongeBob: Uhhh?

Patrick: Uhhh.

Narrator: Uhhh... (scene cuts to Patrick watching TV as SpongeBob walks in and turns on the lights)

SpongeBob: Patrick Star, we need to talk.

Patrick: Just one more minute, I gotta...

SpongeBob: Don’t 'one more minute' me, Mr. Man! (turns off the TV)

Patrick: Hey, I’m missing the coconut!

SpongeBob: You haven’t been helping at all with Junior! We made a commitment and you’re not doing your share! You never do anything.

Patrick: I changed his diaper!

SpongeBob: Yeah, once.

Patrick: He’s only this big. How many diapers could he possibly use? (shows with his hands on how big Junior is)

SpongeBob: (opens up a trash can full of diapers) Hmmm?

Patrick: Oh, that’s not that much.

SpongeBob: (points over to the corner of the room where there are two bags and a trash can full of diapers) Hmmm?

Patrick: So?

SpongeBob: (opens up the refrigerator, full of diapers) Hmmm? (pulls the cover off the coach, revealing it to be diapers) Hmmm? (tears the wallpaper off the wall, revealing a bunch of diapers behind it) Hmmm? (points outside to a garbage truck loading a bunch of diapers into the dumpster. Patrick quivers at the sight of it)

Patrick: I had no idea! What kind of a father am I? I’ll make it up to you, buddy. I promise! (scene cuts to next day)

SpongeBob: So, what’s the plan for the day?

Patrick: No more fooling around. From now on, I’m Super Dad. I’ll work straight through lunch so I can get home on time. So make sure you save a big ol’ stinky diaper for me to change, and you can take the night off, pal!

SpongeBob: (gives Patrick his briefcase) Great, so I’ll see you at six o'clock.

Patrick: Six o'clock.

SpongeBob: (waving) Six o'clock.

Patrick: Six o'clock.

SpongeBob: Six o'clock.

Patrick: Six o'clock.

Narrator: 12:00 midnight. (Patrick walks in with a lamp on his head, giggling and turns on the light)

Patrick: Oh boy, that was some party! (SpongeBob is standing there, tapping his foot) Oh, hey, SpongeBob. Hey, Junior. What? What?

SpongeBob: Oh, nothing.

Patrick: Oh, what a relief. (takes the lamp off his head and puts it on SpongeBob) At first I thought you were made at me.

SpongeBob: (takes the lamp off his head) Do you remember what you said to me this morning?

Patrick: Something about root beer, right?

SpongeBob: No.

Patrick: Oh wait, wait, let me guess. I give up.

SpongeBob: Does (imitates Patrick) "you can take the night off, pal" ring a bell?

Patrick: (raspberry) I don’t need this. (walks off)

SpongeBob: What? Where do you think you’re going?

Patrick: (opens his rock) I’m going back to work. (gets in and closes his rock)

SpongeBob: Work? (rips off his mother-like clothing and opens Patrick’s rock. Patrick is watching TV)

Patrick: He got hit in the head with two coconuts!

SpongeBob: So, this is work?

Patrick: You know, it’s not as easy as it looks. Sometimes I gotta move the antenna, sometimes I lose the remote, and sometimes my butt itches real bad.

SpongeBob: Oh, you poor poor thing. By the way, you forgot your briefcase! (opens up the briefcase over Patrick's head and ice cream and donuts fall out)

Patrick: Oh, so this is the thanks I get for working overtime, huh?

SpongeBob: (enraged) 'OVERTIME!?! '(both start arguing, SpongeBob says "Oh, boy. Yeah, you're working, if that's the kind of work you're doing. Show me just where to sign up for it, because I've been working my fingers to the bone! You never help! Never!!" Patrick says: "Yeah, overtime, pal! You know what that means? That means working until you're too tired to work! you just keep going, and working, and working!!" Junior is heard squeaking)

Patrick: There’s that stupid noise again!

SpongeBob: Oh, that’s not a stupid noise, that’s just Junior about to jump out of that two story window.

Patrick: Oh. (after seeing Junior at the window, both their eyes get huge)

SpongeBob & Patrick: Junior!! (Junior jumps from the window. SpongeBob & Patrick try to save him but they miss)

SpongeBob: Did you catch him?

Patrick: No.

SpongeBob & Patrick: We’re bad parents. (Junior is chirping & crawling above them)

SpongeBob: Junior? Hey, he’s crawling!

Patrick: I guess he’s all grown up! (Junior kisses SpongeBob then crawling off) Hey, what about Daddy? (Junior drops a coconut on Patrick's head then kisses him) That's my boy.

SpongeBob: Goodbye.

Patrick: Goodbye, Junior.

SpongeBob: Well Patrick, he doesn’t need us anymore.

Patrick: This is the hardest part of every parents life, I assume.

SpongeBob: Despite all we’ve been through, it was worth it.

Patrick: Yeah. Let’s have another! (Spongebob becomes surprised).