The Neonatal Nomenclature


 * Bernadette: Howie. Howie, wake up. It's time.
 * Howard:[waking up] Oh. Did your water break?
 * Bernadette: No.
 * Howard: Are you feeling any contractions?
 * Bernadette: No.
 * Howard: [she starts to climb out of bed] Wait. Well, where are you going?
 * Bernadette: To the hospital. Today's my due date, and this crap needs to end now.


 * Howard: Honey, babies don't always come on their due date. Halley was two weeks late. [seeing her expression] But this baby's a boy. They don't take as long to get ready.
 * Bernadette: What are you doing?
 * Howard: I'm making the situation better with humor.
 * Bernadette: Are you?
 * Howard: Would you rather me make it better with magic?
 * Bernadette: Go back to sleep.
 * Howard: Ta-da! [he flops back onto his pillow]
 * Bernadette: [after a moment of silence] You know, I hear that sex can induce labor.
 * Howard: [popping back up] Anything for my family.


 * Sheldon: I believe today is Bernadette's due date.
 * Howard: Yeah. How do you know that?
 * Sheldon: Easy. Forty weeks from the date of her last period.
 * Howard: And why do you know that?
 * Sheldon: Well, excuse me for taking an interest in people.


 * Leonard: So, any day now.
 * Howard: Oh, I don't know. We went to the doctor this morning, and she said it could still be another week or two.
 * Raj: How's Bernadette holding up?
 * Howard: It's pretty rough. She's having a hard time.
 * Leonard: Why are you smiling?
 * Howard: I had sex twice last night.
 * Raj: That's not fair! She's on bed rest. She can't run away.
 * Howard: It was her idea. She read that it can start labor.
 * Raj: Hmm. Is that true?
 * Howard: Well, I would have Googled it, but I was busy taking my pants off.


 * Sheldon: Not to brag, but Amy's last birthday brought my coital tally up to four.
 * Leonard: Whatever you're doing, it's not bragging.


 * Penny: Hey, Bernie, it's me. I let myself in.
 * Bernadette: [sitting on the stairs] Hey.
 * Penny: What are you doing? I thought you were supposed to be on bed rest.
 * Bernadette: That's done, but I've been on stair rest for the last forty-five minutes.
 * Penny: Here, let me help you.
 * Bernadette: [Penny helps her stand up] Yeah. If you really want to help, put on a rubber glove, reach on up there and start pulling.
 * Penny: I know you're joking, but I grew up on a farm. I'll do it.


 * Penny: You know, when my yoga instructor was pregnant, she told me there are tons of poses that put her right into labor.
 * Bernadette: I'll try, but I feel like bendy poses are what got me into this mess.


 * Penny: Okay, we're gonna start with some nice breathing exercises.
 * Bernadette: Sorry. I can't think of anything except how flat your belly is.
 * Penny: Oh, thank you.
 * Bernadette: Go put on some more clothes, you bitch.


 * Howard: Are there any engineers on the grant committe?
 * Amy: I don't know. Why?
 * Howard: I didn't have time to figure out the three-input hydraulic manifold, so this diagram is really just the flux capacitor from "Back to the Future."


 * Amy:: I'm sorry this is on such short notice.
 * Howard: Hey, I just wish I could be there when you present it.
 * Amy: That's okay. It's more important that you spend time with Michael.
 * Howard: Who's Michael?
 * Amy: Uh, your son?
 * Howard: No, it's not. My son doesn't have a name yet.
 * Amy: Okay, well, then Bernadette's son.


 * Bernadette: [seeing "Campaign for North Africa" all laid out] Aw, come on!
 * Sheldon: Welcome to the next five to eight weeks of your life.
 * Bernadette: Sheldon, I said I didn't want to play your game.
 * Sheldon: Well, then don't think of it as a game. Think of it as a source of information about one of the lesser-known campaigns of World War II.
 * Bernadette: [sarcastic] You're right. That's so much better.
 * Sheldon: I know, right?


 * Howard: So you're just gonna name him Michael? Were you even gonna tell me?
 * Bernadette: I told you.
 * Howard: When?
 * Bernadette: Oh, right. That was Amy.


 * Howard: I don't want to name our son after your father.
 * Bernadette: I didn't want to say this, but he's dying.
 * Howard: He is?
 * Bernadette: Eventually. I mean, you see the way the man eats.
 * Howard: Okay, is this the hormones, or have you always been a lunatic?
 * Bernadette: I don't even know anymore.


 * Howard: Bernie, this is our kid's name. I think we should both agree.
 * Bernadette: You're right. We both made this baby.
 * Howard: Thank you.
 * Bernadette: And I carried it, had to stay in bed for four months, sacrificed my body and my job, and soon it's gonna burst its way out of me like the Kool-Aid Man.
 * Howard: Exactly. Fifty/fifty.


 * Amy: What are you guys doing here?
 * Leonard: Well, Sheldon texted and said Bernadette wanted us all to come over.
 * Sheldon: [seeing her expression] The game's best with five to ten players.


 * Bernadette: What about Paul?
 * Howard: Paul. Paul Wolowitz. I like it.
 * Raj: Ooh, like "Koothra-Paul-i".
 * Bernadette: Okay, you ruined it.


 * Leonard: Some people name their kids after places.
 * Howard: Like what, Walla Walla Wolowitz?
 * Sheldon: If you think that is better than Ozymandias Wolowitz, then you have been breathing in the poisonous gas that my troops illegally dispersed.


 * Howard: How you feeling?
 * Bernadette: Eh. But I am really excited to meet our son.
 * Howard: Me, too. I thought I'd be super freaked out. But I'm ready for this. Well, not the part where you're in labor and you squeeze my fingers 'till they turn blue.
 * Bernadette: [sarcastic] I'm sorry. That must be really painful for you.


 * Penny: When did you pick out our kids' names?
 * Leonard: Remember that day you moved into the building?
 * Penny: Yes.
 * Leonard: A non-creepy amount of time after that.


 * Amy: You've thought about our kids?
 * Sheldon: Of course. I think you and I will have exceptional children.
 * Amy: Aw. Well, I think so, too.
 * Raj: How many kids do you guys want?
 * Sheldon: Fifteen.
 * Amy: Two. [giving him a weird look]
 * Amy: What?
 * Sheldon: Well, don't worry. I don't expect you to bear them all. I'm sure we can find a suitable uterus to rent.
 * Leonard: [they both turn to glance at Penny] No!
 * Penny: Uh-uh!


 * Leonard: Hey, what'd you name him?
 * Howard: Neil Michael. Neil for Armstrong, Gaiman, and Diamond. Michael because Bernie had to get six stitches.
 * Amy: Neil, that's cute.
 * Bernadette: [off screen] But we're calling him Michael!
 * Howard: I'm not gonna fight her. That kid's head was the size of a cantaloupe.