The Catfish

Friend Requested

 * Are you searching your name online again?
 * No, I've learned my lesson. Every time I close my eyes, I can still see those weird drawings of me.
 * Who draws that stuff? No, I'm searching other people's names. Like, did you know that Rocky trained at a mime school for a whole year?
 * Hmm. I can see how those skills would be useful to a janitor.
 * And did you know that Mr. Small released an album?
 * What does it sound like?
 * Uh, like the cover would suggest.
 * And you want to know what's even weirder? Grandpa Louie has an Elmore Plus profile. "Just a fun guy looking to get into your friend zone."
 * I just cringed all the way back into my lower intestine.
 * Oh! He sent us a friend request.
 * Being friends online with your grandpa is like taking your mom to the prom.
 * But he's got zero friends. And look at that post. "Anyone up for a game of squash?" No one replied. He probably ended up playing against the wall.
 * Squash, the lonely man's tennis.
 * Or here, he typed "How to make friends online." He then realized it wasn't a search bar, so he typed "Sorry, I don't know who wrote that." Then he typed, "What is the term for someone updating your status as a joke?" Then he must've banged his head on the keyboard, because it says-- This is so sad!
 * No it's not.
 * Dude, stop hiding your tears. I know you feel sorry for him too.
 * No I don't.
 * Don't repress your feelings.
 * I feel nothing for him. Nothing.
 * I know you're holding back, because--
 * Okay, are you--
 * So, you agree we need to help Grandpa Louie.
 * You know what we should do? Pretend to be his friend online by creating an entirely fictitious persona.
 * Now, when you say "should," surely you mean "definitely shouldn't."
 * Nope. I mean "have."
 * I know you're holding back, because--
 * Okay, are you--
 * So, you agree we need to help Grandpa Louie.
 * You know what we should do? Pretend to be his friend online by creating an entirely fictitious persona.
 * Now, when you say "should," surely you mean "definitely shouldn't."
 * Nope. I mean "have."
 * Now, when you say "should," surely you mean "definitely shouldn't."
 * Nope. I mean "have."

Painting a Muriel

 * Isn't Grandpa Louie too old to have imaginary friends?
 * She won't be imaginary to him. And besides, that comment was ageist. You're never too old to have imaginary friends. I still love you, Mr. Smiggles.
 * I love you too.
 * Huh?
 * Ah, don't worry. I'ts just a little white lie.
 * But why do you have to make her a woman?
 * It's just how I feel inside.
 * Okay, so what's her name?
 * Muriel.
 * Grandpa Louie's accepted! And he wants to know more about Muriel. Uh... what are old people into?
 * I dunno.
 * Um. "I like mortgages, and v-voting. And... I drive cars with my driver's license."
 * Oh, and putting cucumbers on your eyes.
 * Yeah. "Please tell me more about you."
 * Hm.
 * "Thanks for asking. My story begins four score and seven years ago, back when things were very different."
 * ...things were very different. As a young boy, I had no trouble making friends. In fact, I was so popular, I got invited to all the birthday parties. And when they got older, their weddings. Even their honeymoons... which was a bit awkward. I was so well-liked, they used to call me "Fluey Louie," after the Spanish Influenza which was very popular at the time.
 * Even animals loved me, apart from horses. But I never trusted horses. Their faces are too long, and they have mohawks. I was so popular at school, I even became friends with the teachers. We had such crazy nicknames for each other, like "Mr. Klein," or "Sir," or sometimes accidentally, "Dad." When I got older, things got even better. I met Jojo. She opened my eyes to something greater. Love. Everything about her was magical. Her luscious lips, her flowing hair, her cutie patootie.
 * I'm sorry, but I refuse to picture that last image. Goodbye, cruel world.
 * Our romance was ravenous, insatiable, our hearts melting with hunger until we consumed each other like a pair of feasting lions. We spent every hour of every day...
 * I'm gonna go bathe in disinfectant.
 * Good idea. I'm gonna steam-clean my brain.
 * But very soon, her loving arms refused to let go of me, and she kept me captive. Her tender fingers now the bars of a gilded cage, from which I can never escape! Anyhoo, enough about me. What's your favorite food?
 * "Edible. Listen, I gotta go."
 * "That's fine. Just take your phone so we can keep messaging."
 * "I'm going places where I can't use my phone." "Where?" "The cinema." "Just use silent mode?" "The bathroom." "Camera off mode?" "What if I'm in the middle of a hold-up or something?" "Hand's free mode?!" Aah! He just doesn't give up!
 * What are we gonna do?
 * I don't know. You're the one who wanted to help him.
 * What?! You're the one who came up with Muriel!
 * You're right. I blame Muriel!
 * I mean I blame you! We have to tell him the truth and put an end to this before he starts telling us things we're too young to know about. "We have to meet. There's something you should know."
 * "There's something you should know, too. I thought I needed a friend, but the way you patiently listened to me made me realize something else. Muriel, I think we're more than just Elmore Plus friends?!"
 * "Edible. Listen, I gotta go."
 * "That's fine. Just take your phone so we can keep messaging."
 * "I'm going places where I can't use my phone." "Where?" "The cinema." "Just use silent mode?" "The bathroom." "Camera off mode?" "What if I'm in the middle of a hold-up or something?" "Hand's free mode?!" Aah! He just doesn't give up!
 * What are we gonna do?
 * I don't know. You're the one who wanted to help him.
 * What?! You're the one who came up with Muriel!
 * You're right. I blame Muriel!
 * I mean I blame you! We have to tell him the truth and put an end to this before he starts telling us things we're too young to know about. "We have to meet. There's something you should know."
 * "There's something you should know, too. I thought I needed a friend, but the way you patiently listened to me made me realize something else. Muriel, I think we're more than just Elmore Plus friends?!"
 * "There's something you should know, too. I thought I needed a friend, but the way you patiently listened to me made me realize something else. Muriel, I think we're more than just Elmore Plus friends?!"

Hopping Mad

 * Oh, hello pumpkin. Uh, didn't see you there.
 * You look guilty.
 * What? That's weird, because my conscience is so clean. Spotless.
 * You're lying. Your eyes always look to the right when you're lying.
 * No, I'm not.
 * What's that? Sorry, honey. Was that your favorite shirt?
 * No, it was my favorite skin.
 * What's this heart icon?!
 * What? Oh, that. That's just a health application telling me how unhealthy I am.
 * I thought I'd found you cheating on me.
 * I know, me too. For a second there, I thought you were looking at all my messages to Muriel.
 * Muriel?! Who's Muriel?!  "I wan't to be more than just Elmore Plus friends?!" "Let's meet in real life?" "Two PM at the mall?!"
 * Wait, I can explain!
 * Are you crazy?! Why do you want to meet with him?
 * Because we have to come clean.
 * "Muriel, if you happen to see a two hundred pound raging rodent in a dress running towards you while screaming and wielding a sledgehammer, please stay out of her way. I know that's good advice generally, but in this specific instance, it's most likely my wife coming after you."
 * Wait, it's fine. Muriel doesn't exist. You made her up. Where'd you get her profile picture form?
 * Meh, just randomly online. Okay, there's one funny piece of news, and another not so funny piece of news.
 * Funny one first, please.
 * When I search for her photo, all the related pictures are of guinea fowl.
 * And the not so funny news, is that the picture comes from the mall's website. She works there.
 * Jojo, please! I never meant to hurt you!
 * Of course you didn't. Now would you mind closing your window, dear?
 * Sure, why?
 * So you can feel on the outside how I feel on the inside!
 * So now we're even?
 * Yes we are. But I'm not even with Muriel!
 * MURIEL!
 * Yes, dear?
 * Oh, right. Uh, so basically we made a fake profile online to be friends with our grandpa because we felt sorry for him. And then her made-up name is Muriel, but I forgot that wasn't her real name, which is funny because when I called her, you answered. Now you should probably jump out of the way, because our grandma is about to run you over with her car.
 * What?
 * Hm. Maybe I shoulda just said-- WATCH OUT!
 * There she is!
 * Grandmda, stop!
 * Yes we are. But I'm not even with Muriel!
 * MURIEL!
 * Yes, dear?
 * Oh, right. Uh, so basically we made a fake profile online to be friends with our grandpa because we felt sorry for him. And then her made-up name is Muriel, but I forgot that wasn't her real name, which is funny because when I called her, you answered. Now you should probably jump out of the way, because our grandma is about to run you over with her car.
 * What?
 * Hm. Maybe I shoulda just said-- WATCH OUT!
 * There she is!
 * Grandmda, stop!
 * There she is!
 * Grandmda, stop!
 * Grandmda, stop!

Mall Brawl

 * Where is she?
 * We need to stop Granny Jojo!
 * They're my groceries! Give it back!
 * Muriel!
 * Yes?
 * Not you!
 * There she is!
 * Ohh! My hip replacement.
 * You're not getting away from me!
 * Stop meddling! This is none of your business!
 * Granny Jojo, there's been a mistake! Muriel--
 * Oh, honey, are you okay? Eh, a rest will do you good.
 * G-Granny Jojo, you don't get it!
 * I may not, but she certainly will!
 * Ahh.
 * That's the exact opposite of the message I was trying to send!
 * You don't understand! Muriel doesn't exist! We made her up!
 * NOO--
 * Eh?
 * ...problem then.
 * Well then, who's that?
 * We just used her photo. We made her up so Grandpa Louie could have a friend online.
 * What?! Do you know what a cat and a fish pretending to be someone else online is called?
 * Cat... fishing?
 * No! It's called... wait. Actually, yes, that is what it's called.
 * But if we lied to make you happier, is that really so wrong?
 * It is literally illegal.
 * None of this woulda happened if Granny Jojo wasn't so controlling.
 * What are you talking about?
 * Well, honey, you must admit...
 * Oh, sorry. I thought you were smiling at someone else.
 * Please scan your items.
 * Who do you think you're talking to?! He's my boyfriend! Mine!
 * Please place your item in the bagging...
 * I'll stick my foot in your bagging area!
 * Thank you for your advice, Doc. I'll make sure to eat more fiber next time.
 * You're even jealous of the exes in my X-rays.
 * Then why did you want to be more than just friends with Muriel?
 * I meant more than just Elmore Plus friends. A friend in real life. You must admit, you don't really let me see my other friends anymore.
 * It's just, I love you so much, Louie. I didn't realize I was stifling you. I'm sorry. Come here.
 * Aww. So, does this mean Grandpa Louie's allowed to have friends?
 * Maybe just one.
 * Ah, he's finally got an online friend.
 * Really? Who is it?
 * & : Ugh.
 * I'll stick my foot in your bagging area!
 * Thank you for your advice, Doc. I'll make sure to eat more fiber next time.
 * You're even jealous of the exes in my X-rays.
 * Then why did you want to be more than just friends with Muriel?
 * I meant more than just Elmore Plus friends. A friend in real life. You must admit, you don't really let me see my other friends anymore.
 * It's just, I love you so much, Louie. I didn't realize I was stifling you. I'm sorry. Come here.
 * Aww. So, does this mean Grandpa Louie's allowed to have friends?
 * Maybe just one.
 * Ah, he's finally got an online friend.
 * Really? Who is it?
 * & : Ugh.
 * Ah, he's finally got an online friend.
 * Really? Who is it?
 * & : Ugh.
 * & : Ugh.