The Moon Knight Before Christmas

1 (HUMMING) (SING-SONG) Oh, who's gonna totally have the best Christmas ever? His name is Spider-Man and his rhymes are so clever Little garland here, couple ornaments there. Now, where's that star? (ROARING) Whoa! Nice Christmas tree! Down, boy! My bad! Next time I'll let you put the star on top. Most people's holiday trees don't have an opinion on how you decorate them, but not here. I'm stuck house-sitting the Sanctum Sanctorum for Dr. Strange, Earth's Sorcerer Supreme. He had to rush off to the Astral Plane to rescue all of existence from, well, something. It's kind of what he does. Point is, I'm stuck here. I even had to ditch Aunt May. I've never spent the holidays away from her. Of course, she doesn't mind. She fills her time helping the community, but I mind. The holidays only come once a year, and I'm stuck in New York's most haunted museum of magical terrors alone, with a tree that hates me. Now, listen up, demon plant. Getting dressed up isn't so bad. Try a little garland. Ah! Okay, okay! Don't take it so personally. Oh, no. What did Strange say about this room? Remember, Spider-Man, no matter what happens, stay out of this room. It contains some of the most deadly and terrifying arms and armor of history's most dangerous villains. Oh, yeah, yeah, right, right. (GIRL SCREAMS) Huh? (PANTING) (GRUNTS) Help me, please! He's attacking me! Relax, kiddo. It's your lucky day. Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man is here. Now, who do I take care of? Some kind of evil Santa Claus? Him. Where? Oh! Let's move! (GRUNTS) And now, foul demon, face the vengeance of the Moon Knight. Definitely not Santa. (BOTH GRUNTING) SPIDER-MAN: Everyone else gets carolers at their door. Ah! I get Capey McCapester and his Metal Cylinders of Pain! Don't you know this is the time of year for a little peace on Earth, goodwill to Spider-Man? The moon led me to this heinous villain so I could stop her. And the moon will not tolerate your interference. "The moon"? Is that code for something? Whoa! No way I'm letting you near that little girl. I will not allow this spider-based villain to stand in your way. I, the Moon's Knight of Vengeance, must carry out your luminous will. Uh, are you seriously talking to the moon? As in "the cow jumped over"? There is more to the moon than childish stories. Whoa, buddy. And here I thought a tree trying to bite me would be the strangest thing I'd see all night. (GROANING) Say good night, Moon! You okay? So, uh, you know this guy? GIRL: Look out! Huh? (GRUNTS) And that, true believers, is why I don't wear a cape. Time to make a clean getaway, kid. (GRUNTS) Ouch. Something's there. Oops, I forgot. The Doctor set a spell to block unwanted visitors. Fortunately, he left me with the key. Uh, let's see (BELL DINGS) Folsum Vushti! No? What about, uh, Folsum Vashti? Hurry, please. (GRUNTS) Oh, right. Folsum Vishti! How could I possibly forget that? No! Sorry. Closed for the holidays. You have given her exactly what she wants, spider-demon! (SIGHS) Well, looks like you're stuck here for a while. Which is fine with me, because it was getting a little lonely all by myself. Isn't there someone who's going to miss you? Not really. I'm an orphan. I live in a home a few blocks from here. The truth is, I didn't want to be stuck in that rotten place for the holidays, (MUFFLED CRYING) so I snuck out to find somewhere I could enjoy this time of year again. SPIDER-MAN: Don't cry, Spidey. Do not cry in front of the little girl. You've got no family anywhere? When I was younger, my dad and I spent every holiday at his old farmhouse in the country. But those times are gone now, and so is my dad. Well, hey, I'm Spider-Man. Duh. Everyone knows that. I mean Sorry. I'm Francie. Look, it's the holidays, and I know this place isn't exactly brimming with holiday cheer, but let's see what we can do. Spidey-Claus on the case! Uh, this is an old family recipe that's Never done that before! (CHITTERING) You'll get used to things like that in this place. (LAUGHING) (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) Boy, the holidays really are much more fun with someone to share it with. - Thanks, Francie. - Back at you, Spidey. I wonder if Loony-Moony's gone yet, so we can get you back home. What's in here? Whoa! That room's off-limits. - Doctor's orders. Sorry. - Oh, come on, Spidey. No, no, no, no, no. I made a solemn promise to stay out of that room, and I'm going to honor it. True, I've broken that promise once, but just that one time. Not again. Ah! Oh, come on! Whoa! (THUDS) Oh, man! So awesome! Why does that look so familiar? Oh, no way! I remember now. It was Mysterio's. He was a stage magician who disappeared into a life of crime. See what I did there? "Disappeared"? The helmet turned his cheap illusions into reality. Last time I faced him was on the Brooklyn Bridge. No! One minute we were fighting, and then he was just gone. I recovered his helmet and gave it to Dr. Strange. I don't know why he still has it. He should have destroyed this thing. (OBJECTS CLATTER) BOTH: Huh? You stay here. I'll check it out. What? You? Strange's magic is supposed to keep this place VIP only. No unwanted guests! Don't tell me the moon let you in. Huh? You can go intangible? (GRUNTS) I am moonlight reflecting off a pool of water, Spider-Man. Do you ever make sense? This is so annoying! (THUDDING) Hold on. If he's there Whoa! It's like an illusion. An illusion! Uh-oh. Francie? Whoa! The whole little girl thing was some kind of trick. Uh, something you wanna tell me, Francie? I owe you a debt, Spider-Man. The last thing I needed was his helmet. Now I am the new Mysterio. Maybe a lonely holiday wasn't such a bad idea. The new Mysterio? And what, the Moon Knight wacko is your sidekick? An unexpected hiccup that I turned into a pawn to get in here. Now, thanks to you, I possess the helmet I came for. Look, you were able to trick me just now. Good job. And I love this Mysterio costume you found on the Internet, but being able to turn illusions real (GASPS) Might be a little advanced for this whole super-villain cosplay thing you've got going on. Costume? Oh, I'm the real thing now. Just ask my friends. Portallus elfelinum! (ELVES LAUGHING) My, my, what festive elves you (GROWLING) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTING) Painful illusions! (ELVES GROWLING) You've got the tech already, so why are you psyched about some loser super-villain's old fishbowl? I'm using "super" very loosely here. Watch what you say about my father. Mysterio? Quentin Beck is your father? Was. Until you destroyed him and his legacy. But you can't stop me from finishing what he started. This city will learn to respect the name Mysterio. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I did not destroy your dad. I tried to save him. But I will stop you from finishing whatever it was he started. (ELVES CHITTERING) Now I'm fighting elves? I hope this doesn't put me on the naughty list. Whoa! Let me in! (THUDS) Persistent fella, isn't he? (CHITTERING CONTINUES) Lorus-thweem! Spider-Man, what is the meaning of this? Okay, Doc, this might sound crazy, but there was this little girl and this guy talking to the moon, and Enough! I trusted you, Spider-Man. I expect you to obey my commands and not allow interlopers into my private domain. And now I find that you have one of my treasures in your hands? Oh, this? Look, I know I messed up. Here. (THUDDING) Not Strange! Excuse me. Can't I just get humbly reprimanded in peace? What are you saying? (THUDDING CONTINUES) Not Strange! "Not strange"? Wrong. This whole night's been very strange. Starting with the guy who talks to the moon. (BELL DINGS) Oh! Not Dr. Strange. You could've been clearer, moon dude. Ha! And you thought my father was a joke. (SNAPS FINGERS) To be fair, I think everything's a joke. Finally! (SCREECHING) (GROWLING) See? Giant gingerbread men. Hilarious. Although, this is actually kind of terrifying. Careful! That was probably the mystical table of Whoodoo-voodoo-ton or something. (GRUNTS) Oh, boy. I could really use some of that Dr. Strange wisdom right now. Think, Spidey. What did Strange teach you? Spider-Man, put that down. That's not a toy. No, that's not applicable. Spider-Man, wear a hat. It's cold outside. Great advice, but not the time. What was that other thing? Remember, sometimes the enemy of my enemy is my friend. (GRUNTING) He can't really make things worse, right? Folsum Vishti! (LAUGHS) Nailed it that time! (GRUNTS) Prepare for your end, sugary beasts! (GRUNTING) (GROWLING) Thanks, Moon Knight. (GRUNTING) I am only doing the moon's will. Of course you are. Look, Francie My name is Frances Beck! I'm sorry I called your dad a loser. I'm not the bad guy here. (GRUNTS) Don't you remember the fun we had, like a minute ago? You thought I was someone else, but (SCREAMING) Whoa, whoa. Hey, what's going on in there? - Are you okay? - Get away from me! Yes, run, foul night-spawn. All bend to the might of the moon, who powers the very tides of the sea. Dr. Strange is starting to sound downright logical. Okay, since you were trying to ambush this girl outside, I'm guessing you, or the moon, saw all this coming? Did you have a plan? Why would I reveal my plan to such as you, when (WIND BLOWING) Huh? What was that, Master? (WIND CONTINUES BLOWING) Yes, if it is your will. What did the moon say? Believe it or not, first time I've ever asked that question. Very well. I will reveal all. The moon warned me that a young girl would seek to reawaken a dormant evil trapped in this place, and that, should she obtain the power of the helmet, there was only one way to stop her. Ooh, let me guess. MoonPies? Am I right? Right? No? No? Don't be ridiculous. Right. Wouldn't want anything ridiculous to happen tonight. She can be stopped with a certain mystical wand. The wand is capable of consuming the power of the helmet, collapsing it upon itself, obliterating it. Wand, you say? I think we might be in luck. Okay, for real, this is the last time I violate my promise not to enter this room. Really. Last time. Yes, this is the very wand the moon has shown me in a vision. Look, I know a girl who can speak to squirrels, but your moon power? It's one of the most preposterous things I've ever heard. How does that work? I am a mere specter, the avatar of the moon. The lunar satellite shares its secrets with me, and I do its bidding in confidence. I actually know less than I did before I asked. Hey, Moonie, this wand thing just destroys the helmet, right? Not the person wearing it? The moon will have its vengeance. Not sure that's an answer. 'Cause if it will destroy Francie, too, that's not how I roll. If that's your endgame, I don't need your help. This city will fear the name Mysterio! (ROARING) Okay. I need your help. (ROARING) Don't suppose the moon's got any ideas about stopping imaginary snow monsters that turned real? Yes, Master. As your lunar avatar, it is my solemn duty to defend this city and subdue the villain, but this Spider avatar only slows me down. If you're going to make snarky asides, you should make sure someone's there to hear you first. Take it from me. - (ROARING) - Huh? Whoa! (GRUNTS) So, reflexes Not a thing you have? I'd rather take the hit than waste time blocking it. That's ridiculous. But, admittedly, kind of impressive. The moon does not seek to impress. There is no escape from my power. Francie, stop! If you wanna restore your dad's name, this is not the way to do it! Ho, ho, ho! (GRUNTS) But if you wanna give New York City a lifetime of holiday nightmares, you're definitely on the right track. (GRUNTING) (ROARING) Whoa! (GRUNTS) (GROWLS) (GRUNTS) I've seen some really bad holiday decorations, but those are the worst! These creations will destroy the city if we don't stop them at the source. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) What? The moon demands we end this by any means necessary. (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) Yeah, I don't think we need the moon's help to know we gotta stop these things. (ROARING) Hint taken! I'm outta here! Moon Knight, wait! Don't hurt her! (YELLS) It's only a matter of time now while the spell takes effect. Using the wand might destroy Francie. We have to try to save her. Oh! (ROARING) What have we done? I have to rescue her and somehow get Moon Knight to help me. If only he'd listen to me like he listens to (BELL DINGS) Wait. I have an idea. Uh, what's that? I can hear you, Moon. Sure, I'll be your servant. What is the moon's bidding? You can hear it too? What? Save the girl? - But how? - Huh? (GRUNTS) Okay, I I understand. Yep. Yep. Makes total sense. Your will shall be mine. By the moon, I swear it. What was the moon's command? Moon says we have to do this without hurting the girl. And who are we to argue with a giant sky rock? I have learned to never question the moon's judgment, however inexplicable it might seem. We shall, together, be knights of the moon this eve. Save her, but work quickly. I will hold off these monsters as long as I can. May the moon be with you, my friend. Also with you, Mr. Knight. Okay, let's try this. (GRUNTS) (YELLING) I'm inside the helmet? Wait. This must be the family farmhouse Francie told me about. (LAUGHS) You (LAUGHING) Pass the turkey. This does look nice. Francie doesn't seem to realize it's all just QUENTIN: Of course I remember that, sweetie. You were always the best daughter a father could ask for. Francie, this isn't real. It's the helmet's power, and if we don't leave soon, it's gonna destroy you, me, maybe even all of New York. This is real, and this is my father. It's why I came here. You can't take him away from me again. QUENTIN: Hey, Spider-Man, is that you? It's been such a long time. Francie, I tried to save your father. If he was really here, he'd tell you QUENTIN: That you offered me your hand? Do you remember what you told me that night? That I shouldn't throw away everything just because of a few mistakes? Wait. How would an illusion know that? Unless it really is Me. I was at the end that night. The selfishness that led me to create the helmet only grew once I put it on. I didn't take your hand because I knew it wouldn't help. I wasted the love of my family pursuing petty desires. But my family should have come first! Let me make up for that mistake. Let me have this time with my daughter. So Dr. Strange kept the helmet because he knew you were inside, bound by magic. I perfected hard-light hologram technology, but I still wanted more. I struck a deal with the demon Dormammu, so that when I used my helmet, my holograms became real. I should have known Dormammu's power would come at a heavy price, but I never dreamed I'd spend my life in this prison. (THUDS) (GASPS) Uh, I know we're in the midst of a moment here, Mysterios Wait. Mysterii? Either way, we need to go now, before the harsh reality blows us into who-knows-what. Wait! Dad! The real world is no place for me. I can't go back. My soul is lost! Dad, no! I love you too much to lose you again! I'm sorry, sweetheart. You're better off without me. Quentin, you haven't lost your soul. It's been back on Earth the whole time. And she needs her dad back. Maybe Maybe you're right. I'm sorry, Francie! (SCREAMING) No! (BOTH YELLING) Dad, how did you Don't you forget who the original Mysterio was, kiddo! I'm sorry, my master. Your avatar of the night has failed. (ROARS) (CREATURES GROWLING) (CRASHING) Dad! You're here! You're really here! I was wrong. We are victorious. Gee, M. K., you really turned this place upside down. This is not the only edifice that our mission has left damaged. Oh, no! Spider-Man! (LAUGHTER) MOON KNIGHT: Amusing. Very amusing. Well, I guess it all worked out in the end. MOON KNIGHT: From your heavenly heights We all learned Huh? you condescend to bless this blighted Hey, who's doing this wrap-up, me or you? (SCOFFS) You talking to the moon again? Of course. Isn't that who you're talking to? No. No one talks to the moon. The moon doesn't talk. Well, if you are not talking to the moon, then who are you talking to? Uh, no one. Weirdo. Happy holidays, everybody.