The Proton Displacement


 * Professor Proton: (to Bill Nye the Science Guy): Back off, bow tie!


 * Howard: You know, if you guys are interested, there’s a technique where I can take a lock of your hair, refine it into carbon dust and use the hydraulic press at work to turn it into a tiny little diamond with your DNA in it.
 * Penny: Oh, that’s amazing,
 * Howard: Yeah. See Bernie’s engagement ring? That came right off my mom’s back.
 * Bernadette: He’s kidding. If that were true, it’d be so much bigger.
 * Raj: (imitating Howard) My name is Howard. I can make your hair into diamonds. My mom is morbidly obese. Everybody love me. Yeugh.
 * Howard: Whoa, where is that coming from?
 * Raj: I’ll tell you where it’s coming from. All you do is make fun of me for coming to girls’ night and now you’re here ruining it for everyone.
 * Penny: Raj, cool it, he’s gonna make us hair diamonds.
 * Howard: How am I ruining anything? I’m just trying to help you make better jewellery.
 * Raj: But this isn’t about the jewellery. This is about me having a place where I can open up about my feelings.
 * Howard: Since when can’t you open up with me?
 * Raj: There are just some things that I feel more comfortable sharing with the girls, because they won’t make fun of me or and call me names, or ask me if my "Koothrapanties" are in a bunch.
 * Howard: Buddy, I was just joking around.
 * Raj: Yeah, well, sometimes your jokes hurt.
 * Howard: You’re right. I didn’t realize I was making you feel that way. It was very brave of you to tell me.
 * Raj: Thank you. It wasn’t easy.
 * Amy: They’re gonna have sex before Sheldon and I do, I know it.
 * ''(Bernadette turns very cross and says nothing. the silent Penny gazes down at Raj and Howard with the jewellery making stuff).


 * Professor Proton: Can I ask you a question?
 * Leonard: Yeah, sure.
 * Professor Proton: Why do you put up with Sheldon?
 * Leonard: Oh, um, you know. Because we’re friends.
 * Professor Proton: Why?
 * Leonard: Wow. You ask really hard questions. Look, I know he can be aggravating, but you have to remember he’s not doing it on purpose. It’s just how he is. Oh, but he’s also loyal, and trustworthy and we have fun together.
 * Professor Proton: You know, you’re describing a dog.
 * Leonard: He did bite me once. But in his defense I came up behind him while he was eating.
 * Professor Proton: They hate that.
 * Leonard: You, know what. Sheldon is the smartest person I’ve ever met. He’s a little broke and he needs me. I guess I need him too.
 * Professor Proton: Why’s that?
 * Leonard: You will not let this go, will you. (his phone goes off)  Aw, geeze!
 * Professor Proton: What, Sheldon send you another photo?
 * Leonard: No, I gotta go pick him up.  Bill Nye ditched him at the smoothie place.
 * Professor Proton: Probably stole his wallet, too.


 * Professor Proton: So you have any single grandmothers?
 * Penny: Sorry, they’re both married.
 * Professor Proton: Happily? [Penny gives him a "so-so" hand expression.]


 * Sheldon: [Sheldon sees Professor Proton in the drug store] Look at him. Just standing in line like he wasn’t moderately famous thirty years ago. Let’s go say hello.
 * Leonard: Maybe we shouldn't bother him.
 * Sheldon: I’m not going to bother him. I’m going to talk to him.
 * Leonard: He thinks there’s a difference.


 * Sheldon: Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him.


 * Amy: Have you ever thought about why Arthur didn't want you to read his paper?
 * Sheldon: Yes I have. My only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.
 * Amy: Maybe he found you a bit much.
 * Sheldon: That’s kind of a stretch. But when it comes to social skills, I've mastered the big three. There’s the coy smile. There’s the friendly chuckle. Ha-ha-ha-haaaa. There’s the vocalization of sympathy. Ahhh. Well, that one’s tricky. I’m still working on it.
 * Amy: From what I saw the other day I can understand why he and…some people might find you…
 * Sheldon: What?
 * Amy: It doesn't matter.
 * Sheldon: No. Go ahead. Say it. I know what it is. I've heard it my whole life. The word’s annoying. Go ahead. Say it. Say it. Say, “I’m annoying.”
 * Amy: Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: Oh, it won’t hurt my feelings. Go ahead, Amy. Say, “I’m annoying.” “I’m annoying.” “I’m annoying.” “I’m annoying.” Now where are you going? You know you want to say it. Say it. Say, “I’m annoying.” Go ahead. Say it. Say it. Say it, Amy. Say it. [Amy leaves the apartment slamming the door.] Well, she can’t stand it when I’m right.


 * Leonard: Because it’s just so happens I’m also spending the day with a beloved children television science personality. Isn't that right new friend and colleague, Bill Nye, the Science Guy? Sorry I replaced you with a newer model.
 * Bill Nye: Wow, Arthur Jeffries. It’s an honor to meet you. My show never would have happened without yours.
 * Professor Proton: That’s what I told my lawyers.


 * Leonard: If you would have told me when I was a kid that someday I would have been doing science next to Professor Proton, I would not have believed you.
 * Professor Proton: If someone had told me that people would still be call me Professor Proton when I was 83 years old, I never would have quit smoking.


 * Penny: Hey, guys, what do you think?
 * Amy: Wow, Penny, good job.
 * Penny: Thanks. Target, four ninety-nine. I’m getting a drink.
 * Amy: What are you working on?
 * Raj: Ah, I’m making a necklace for my mom.
 * Amy: That’s sweet.
 * Raj: Yeah, she and my dad are going through a bit of a rough patch, so I wanted to do something to let her know I was thinking about her.
 * Penny: What’s going on with them?
 * Raj: They’re just having a little trouble communicating. My dad says it’s because the sound of my mom’s voice makes him want to tear his ears off and sew them over his eyes so he never has to look at her again.
 * Bernadette: Hi.
 * Penny: Hey, guys.
 * Amy: Hello.
 * Howard: Look who’s here to put the Jew in jewellery night.
 * Bernadette: Oh, sure, so it’s fine when you say it.
 * Howard: Sorry we’re late. I wanted to swing by the lab and pick up some even cooler tools for us to use.
 * Raj: I didn’t know you were coming again.
 * Howard: Well, last week was a blast. Plus, I thought you might like having a guy here.
 * Penny (laughing): It was not funny.
 * Amy: So, what tools did you bring?
 * Howard: Everything we need to make jewellery moulds. Here’s some silver, a crucible and an acetylene torch to melt it down.
 * Penny: Ooh, that looks like fun.
 * Bernadette: Maybe you should master glue before you move on to fire.
 * Howard: Okay, who’s up first?
 * Amy: Rajesh, do you want to make a bracelet for your mom to go with the necklace?
 * Raj: No, thanks.
 * Howard: I was gonna make a necklace for my mom, but unfortunately she doesn’t have a neck. She’s just chins and fat and feet.


 * Amy: This is fun. I’m going to feel like such a vixen wearing jewellery that doesn’t have a list of medications I’m allergic to.
 * Raj: Penny, how’s it going over there?
 * Penny: Good, I’m just having little trouble with the glue.
 * Amy: How do you not know how to use glue? Did you ditch pre-school?
 * Penny: Yeah, but only because I was dating a second grader.
 * Howard: Hello, everyone.
 * Raj: Okay, let me have it. Let’s hear all the Raj is a girl jokes.
 * Howard: Nope. Bernadette told me it isn’t nice and I’m not allowed.
 * Raj: Thank you.
 * Howard: So I won’t be making fun of you, or the things you like, or the fact that you just want to have fu-un.
 * Bernadette: Howie, stop. Come on, look at what I’m making.
 * Howard: Oh, that’s actually pretty nice.
 * Amy: I’m making a bracelet.
 * Penny: Yeah, I’m just making a mess.
 * Howard: You know, instead of beads and glue, you guys can use my soldering iron. You’d be able to make much cooler stuff.
 * Raj: Oh, I think we’re doing just fine, thank you.
 * Amy: Actually, I’d kind of like to try that.
 * Bernadette: Me, too.
 * Howard: Be right back.
 * Penny: When did I have pistachios?