The Most Adequate Christmas Ever

S. A. S. A. S. A. I've modeled this year's star after a real crowd-pleaser- Polaris. I initially considered Alpha Centauri but I decided to go with what's right instead of what's popular. Oh, honey. As long as it stays on top of the tree, I could give a rat's ass. I picked up all the Charlie Brown holiday specials. From the very first one where he learns the true meaning of Christmas to the one from the '80s where he meets the kid with Al DS. Klaus, you got the train to work! Yeah! It's in my blood! My grandfather was a conductor at Auschwitz. No, no, no. He ran the kiddie train at the zoo. - You know, it's a big town. There's other stuff there. - Merry, merry, everyone! - Wow! Great sweater, Roger. Thanks. I totally sniped it from a guy on eBay. I not only stole the sweater, I stole his holiday spirit. And that made my holiday spirit grow stronger. Because that's how it works, right? Like Highlander? " There can be only one"? I've had- I've had, like, eight cups of eggnog. And this makes 12! That's your father! Places, everybody! Good job, guys. Everything's perfect. Ho, ho, ho. No, no, no! What happened here? What do you mean? The halls are fully decked. Dad, we've been working on this all day. Seriously? I'd give you an " A" for effort, but this isn't U. C. Santa Cruz. - What did we do wrong? - Where do I start? Well, for one thing, the stockings. They're supposed to be " hung with care in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there. " The I NXS guy hung himself with more care. Death boner! And the nativity scene. The three Wise Men look like transvestites. But the mannish kind. Not the attractive Asian kind you're always hoping your friends will hire for your birthday party. Stan, you're ruining our Christmas! No, I'm trying to save your Christmas. Now, come on. Let's go get a good tree. There's nothing wrong with this tree. No one has any trees left. God does. We'll just go to the woods and get one. Oh, my God! I can see my heart light. - Here's a great tree. - Wrong. Bare spot. - This one's nice. - Lopsided. - How 'bout this one? - Hayley, do you even know what a tree is? Keep looking. I'm bored. I'm gonna speed up this sweater and pretend I'm in a dance club. Klaus's bowl is starting to freeze! It must be 10 below out here. Fine. If you all hate Christmas so much, you can go wait in the car. So what are you gonna do? Spend all night looking for the perfect tree? - You'll catch your death out here! - Honey, just because snow is the same color as our refrigerator doesn't mean you know how it works. Well, at least I don't think I know everything about everything! Come on, you guys. Hey, where's Steve? Steve! Over here! I was peeing on a tree and it froze midstream. Hayley, go help your brother. Great Christmas, Stan! # Last night a Santa saved my life # Okay, Steve. One, two- Thank you. I don't know why Francine's mad at me for always being right. I don't get mad at her for always being wrong. Boobs are holding up nicely for a gal her age, I'll say that. The perfect tree! I knew it! And Francine said I'd die out here. Ha! Wow! I guess it is cold. Must sing to keep warm. The perfect tree. Perfect cut. Perfect amount of blood filling lungs. Wait. Now it's too much. What can I get you? Peppermint, sugarplum, boysenberry cascade? We have any flavor you could possibly imagine. - Vanilla? - Ooh, we're out of vanilla. What's going on? Where am I? Oh, we find people take the news better with ice cream. - What news? - Why, the news that you're dead. - Oh, my God! - Relax. We have vanilla. See, we initially tell people we don't have their flavor so when we tell them we really do, it makes them happy. Ooh, boy. We're actually out of vanilla. This has never happened before. Still dead though. This is crazy! There's no way I'm dead! I mean, if I'm dead, where's Saint Peter? Where's the pearly gates? Where are all the hos at? You mean heaven. That's up there. That griffin's taking a load of saved souls up there right now. So that must be hell. No, that's actually a camp for children who have been sexually abused. They get to ride dragons. It's a pretty great program. Anyway, this is limbo. I'll be dropping you off at that park bench up ahead. In a couple weeks, you'll get a letter telling you whether you'll be going up or going down. But that's not fair. I shouldn't be dead. I know it. I want a second chance! What did you say? I want a second chance! The folks down at the courthouse are not going to be happy when they find out they have to work Christmas Eve. - Courthouse? - Well, you don't just get a second chance. You've got to prove you deserve it in a trial. - Wait? A trial? - Not to worry. You'll be assigned a lawyer from the greatest pool oflegal minds in the universe. Ooh, I misspoke. Looks like you got Michelle. Ooh, God, could you not flap over here? The papers I pretend to look at when I'm in court. She's my lawyer? Can I pick another lawyer? Where's Jewish heaven? So I've been reviewing your file. And I think we have a really good case here, Phillip. Stan. And where are your wings? Everyone else up here has wings. Look, I haven't earned them yet, okay? But I'm really trying. You know what time I got here this morning? 7:30. Yeah. Anyway, you don't need wings to be a good lawyer. Yeah, don't worry, babe. This won't take long. I'm up against Michelle. Yeah, I know. Anyway, I'll see you at home. Ooh, I like it when you talk like that. When I get home, the things I am gonna do- You're not gonna fly right for a week. Hey, good luck, pal. You're gonna need it. He's gonna be just fine, Scott! - Don't worry. He's just trying to psych us out. - He doesn't look so tough. Actually, up here you get smaller and cuter every time you win a case. Oh, my God! I'm screwed! Look at him! He's cuter than a puppy and a kitten trying to climb into the same slipper! All rise. - Oh, God. Not him. - Why? What's wrong? Counselor. - Michelle. - Hi, Daddy. - That's good, right? - Um sure. Okay, let's do this. It's Christmas Eve and we all want to get toJesus' birthday party. - Those of us who were invited. - Shut up, Scott! - Counselor, your opening statement? - Thank you, Your Honor. Should Stan Smith get a second chance? He certainly thinks he should. He thinks he knows better than everybody. But we will prove his death was a just and fitting end to a lifelong pattern of arrogance and know-it-allness! Does Stan Smith deserve a second chance? Not a chance. We disagree. That's it? " We disagree"? Well, I can't say " we agree. " That's how I lost my first 10 cases. The court will now hear the evidence. Bring in the spectral window to the soul! Exhibit " A. " The baby will be here any day now. Just relax and stay off your feet. No. We have a big trip planned. Mr. Smith, I don't think you understand. Your wife's nine months pregnant. - She can't travel. - Okay, okay. I hear you. - Oh, I'm sorry, Stan. - I'm sorry too. Sorry we went with such an idiot doctor. We're taking that trip. Oh, yeah. It's not ripe yet. You know, I used to spend my summers working at the farmer's market. Sold novelty license plates. You got another month minimum. I think my water just broke. Nonsense. You're just having your period. I'm putting in my earplugs. We're running with the zebras in the morning. Hey. Francine, you make coffee? In my defense, she hadn't made coffee. There are hundreds of other examples of Stan Smith's arrogance. Thousands even. Millions? Perhaps. Billions? Does anyone here believe there are billions of other examples? I do. Well, there you have it. The prosecution rests. - Counselor? - Time to give him the old razzle-dazzle! Your Honor, the prosecution could spend all day showing instances of my client's moral shortcomings while I can provide only one example of his humility. - Hmph! - But this example is so overwhelming in its display of his generosity humanity, and willingness to learn from the wisdom of others that you will forget everything you think you know about Stan Smith! Let's watch. Spare some change? You don't have to give him change, but at least acknowledge him. Okay. You're blocking the sidewalk, wino! That's not what I'm talking about. He's a person. Doesn't the Bible say, "Look upon the corn and the wheat for even the chaff have their place"? Wow. You're right, Steve. I'm humbled by you. Sorry I called you a wino, Chaff. What brings you to this low place? - I'm too sick to work. - Say no more. Kidney transplants are a dangerous procedure. Are you sure you want to go through with this, Mr. Smith? After all, he's just a bum. That's what I used to think until my son taught me different. You ready, Chris? Stan Smith, you're an angel. That's my dad. I guess you could say this father realized he didn't know best. Clearly this man- this good man- deserves a second chance. Well, in light of that compelling evidence I have no choice but to grant Stan Smith- Excuse me, Your Honor? Could we just roll the rest of that clip? - Stan Smith, you're an angel. - That's my dad. What? What's wrong? Oh, God! I had the worst nightmare! I took advice from Steve! Why would I give my kidney to a bum? Stay out of my dreams! I'm sorry. I only watched the beginning 'cause my cat started making this weird wheezing sound. I think he's allergic to salmon. Can a cat be allergic to salmon? There's no way I'm getting a second chance. How's my family ever gonna get by without me? If it makes you feel any better, they're gonna be dead in about 20 minutes. - What? - You left them in the middle of a snowstorm. - They're about to freeze to death. - But they're in a car. - They can just turn on the heater. - Yeah. You took the keys. Don't you love this cold? It reminds me of my planet. I've gotta do something! Well, let me handle this. You don't know what you're doing. I know more than you! What kind of lawyer are you? Sir, I am a lady lawyer. Your Honor, my family's in terrible danger. You have to give me a second chance! Sorry. Second chance denied. Yes! Got you, you arrogant, prideful, son of a bitch! Me! This guy! Scott LaRose! I'm the best! No! Wait! Your Honor there's one more piece of evidence you haven't looked at. Everybody on the ground now! Earthly guns have no power here. I'm sorry. I just want to save my family. I'm begging you! - Everybody on the ground now! - He's got a heaven gun! - Those can kill anybody! - Why do we have those again? What are you doing? There's no way out of this. Yes, there is. I'm gonna get my second chance. We're going over your head. - We? - Yeah. You're taking me to God. Seriously, why do we have heaven guns? I don't mean to be "that guy. '" I'm happy here. But why is this not an issue? Out of my way! Now where's God? And don't say everywhere or I swear I'll- I don't know. Probably in heaven atJ. C. 's birthday party. - Then that's where we're going. - I can't get you in there. - I wasn't even on the Evite. - This is our Evite! I just clicked " Yes, plus one. " We gotta figure out a way to get on that griffin. Who are they? The archangels. Heavenly enforcers that carry flaming swords of vengeance and pamphlets on how to talk to your kids about how abstinence can be cool. Damn it! There's got to be another way out of this place. Which one's yours? A chariot on my salary? Please. There's a tub of chili in my fridge I stole from the office potluck. I've been eating it for a year. I don't live well. Come on! Drive! Wow! Who would have thought heaven would be so beautiful? Yeah. It's great if you have your wings. Otherwise, you're a nobody. Hey, you're not a nobody. You're an expendable pawn in my quest to save my family. - You hold onto that. - Look, I'm not gonna be any help to you. I only met God once and he thinks I'm an idiot. We were at this bar. And I was really drunk. And we got into this argument about abortion. And I tried to kiss him. Quiet! We've got company. Heaven gun, it's time for you to preach to the choir. Halo and good-bye. Not even a smile? I said " halo" instead of" hello. " Oh, screw you. That's funny. - I can't do this. - Just act natural. Hey, Pete. Got a soul for you. A Mr. Johann Stippler. - Ja. Ja. Johann. Ja. Ja. - Yeah. He doesn't speak English. Oh, okay. Have a nice eternity. Thank you. I mean- I mean- German for " thank you. " Donkey something. - Freeze! - He's crazy! He made me do it! You're in a lot of trouble, buddy. Last guy who tried to sneak in here was Jim Henson. And we all know what happened to him. - Why'd you do that? - 'Cause you gotta save your family. And if God's not gonna give me my wings, I'm gonna at least drink his booze. Come on! - So what happened toJim Henson? - You don't want to know. Forgive us! You will bow down before me, Son of God! - That's God's house? Wow. - Yeah, he inherited it. - There's too much security. We'll never get in. - What are you? Chicken? Oh, no. That's right. Chickens have wings. I'm- I'm sorry. I thought you knew. That's it! Come on! - We're with the band. - Names? - Donny and Marie Osmond. - I didn't know you guys were dead. We're Mormons. We were born dead. Good thing that bouncer knew the truth about Mormons. I can't believe I'm really here! Oh, my God! I don't have a present. " From Galileo. " And Michelle. - Okay, now, where's God? - I don't know. But there's J. C. I mean, I could be mad. I probably should be mad. But what can I say? They knew not what they did. They-They just knew not. They know now. I'll tell you that much. Hey,J. C! We're out of sushi! - Check again. - Thank you! Okay, we gotta find God. You become a hopeless alcoholic and hit rock bottom. I'll search rooms. Hey, what are you- Come on. Holy Spirit in here! ¡Ocupado! Oh, sorry. Nice office. These things rule. Why'd I ever send 'em to Mars? - Hello, Stan. - If you know who I am, then you know why I'm here. I know everything. I guess that makes two of us, huh? Look, sir- - You, uh, unplugged the sun. - Oh, sorry. Look, I'm just gonna cut to the chase. I'm not gonna help you. What? Then just help my family. You can't let them die! Look, everything happens for a reason. What reason could there be? Stan, I'm gonna level with you. If your family is allowed to live Stanford's tennis team will go 0 and 8 in conference play. - What? - I'm just messing with you. The point is " mysterious ways," "have a little faith," " I'm in the details. " Now, come on. You can be triceratops. I know he's your favorite. We're out of time! Now send me back so I can save my family. - Not gonna happen. - You have to! Oh, okay. So you know better than me? Is that it? You're all knowing? No. Yes! L- I don't know! Exactly. You don't know. You can't know. - So stop trying to control everything. - I don't do that. Stan, you're holding a gun to God's head. I mean, I can't even think of a metaphor that's better than this. And I'm a published poet. Now, come on. Put it down. - But my family- - Stan put the gun down and let my will be done. - I'm sorry. - " So shines a good deed in a weary world. " - What? - That's all I wanted. One small act of humility. Okay, you can go back. - Really? - Eh, it's my kid's birthday. Thank you! Thank you! Oh, I'll never ask for anything again! Oh, there's just one more thing. Nice wings. Those real? Um, yes. Yes, they are. - Thanks. - You're welcome. But, Stan, don't you ever pull a gun on me again! - What's wrong? - I'm- I'm home. I'm home! Do you like the way we decorated? It's perfect. Everything's perfect. - You think so? - I couldn't have done it better myself. Merry Christmas! There's a flying hooker watching you hug. Go away, hooker!
 * 1) Good morning, U.
 * 1) # I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day # #The sun in the sky has a smile on his face # #And he's shining a salute to the American race # # Oh, boy it's swell to say # # Good morning, U.
 * 1) #Good morning, U.
 * 1) Is everything ready? Your father should be home any minute.
 * 1) G-G-God rest ye merry gentlemen # # I'm going to blow your mind # Ping, ping, bong, bong! Ping, ping, bong, bong! Roger, Christmas is no time to be singing! Stan, we've been wandering around for hours.
 * 1) O Christmas tree O Christmas tree # # Nobody knows as much as me ## That's what it would sound like if I'd fallen much farther.
 * 1) Jingle to the bell # #Jing, jingle, jingle, bell, bell Jing, jingle, jingle ## Hey, how come everybody's dying? Oh, no.