On Your Mark, Get Set... Date

[Jonesy and Nikki are staring into each other's eyes.] Nikki: "You know who's the cutest guy around?" Jonesy: "I am." Nikki: "Ope, hold on." [She looks around.] "Yep! Looks like you win the big prize: me." [Nikki kisses him, and they giggle.] Jen: "Ugh, do you mind?" Jude: "Nasty!" Jen: "Some of us are still single, and lonely?" Caitlin: "Yeah. I'm totally wasting my high school sweetheart years." Nikki: "Try going on a date or something." Wyatt: "It's been one heck of a dating dry spell." Jen: "And, even if you're lucky enough to get a date, you know within the first five minutes the person sucks." Caitlin: "But then, you've still gotta get through a two-hour dinner." Nikki: "You know what you guys should try? Speed dating." [She laughs.] Caitlin: "That's a great idea!" Nikki: "Uh, no. That was a joke, and only a joke. In the event of a real suggestion, you'll be notified without a sarcastic tone, okay?" Jonesy: "Hold them horses, Nikki, you're on to something there! I could use a new job, and this could be just the ticket!" [Nikki stares at him.] "Yeah that's right, I got fired from my job cleaning vacuum cleaners? Way too confusing. Anyway, ten bucks a head, times twenty daters, that's uh, carry the six, a ton of coin!" Nikki: "Ugh." Jonesy: "With the participation fee at a reasonable ten dollars, how can you say no? C'mon, guys. Pay up."

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is On Your Mark, Get Set...Date''

[Jen and Caitlin are sitting at the table.] Jen: "I still don't know about this speed dating thing. I don't think I can handle speed rejection." Jonesy: [walking up with Nikki] "Ha ha, the dating candidates are rolling in, ka-ching! Puh-raise loneliness!" Caitlin: "Don't worry, I'll show you how to attract every guy at the event." Jonesy: "Oh yeah?" Caitlin: "It's all about being positive and doing whatever you can to make them like you." Jonesy: "Nah. You gotta be unattainable, not nice! Now that's hot." Caitlin: "No! You've gotta be sweet and open to anything!" Jen: "Not nice sounds like a lot less work." Jonesy: "We'll make the event a dating method face-off. Whoever scores the most follow-up dates wins." Caitlin: "You're on." Nikki: "Ignore these two and their dating dysfunction! Just–be yourself." Jonesy: "Fff. Waste of time! I haven't been myself in years!" Nikki: "...yeah. Remind me what I see in you again?"

[A bunch of people have gathered to speed date.] Jonesy: [to Jen] "Okay, so what you want to do is keep telling yourself none of these guys are good enough, no matter how hot they are." Wyatt: "You got anything for me?" Jonesy: "Hmm. Well, if you don't know what to talk about, try singing. I mean, that is your forte." Wyatt: "Go on." Jonesy: "And by not talking, you'll avoid that foot-in-the-mouth thing you always do." Wyatt: "What? Foot in the mouth? Always?" [slapping his forehead] "Ugh! Great! Now you've got me all worried about that!" Jonesy: "Go get 'em, tiger." [He pushes Wyatt forward.] Jen: "Oh, I don't know, maybe I should try Caitlin's method instead." Jonesy: "Your choice. But Caitlin is single. You'll notice I'm not. Do the math." [pulling out a paper] "Let this Jonesy Method cheat sheet be the math that guides you from Lonesometown to Happy Couple-ville." Nikki: "Oh give me that!" [She snatches it.] "Hey! You used these lines on me! What's worse, they worked." Jonesy: "Told ya." [Nikki elbows him.] "Oof!" Jen: "If it worked on Nikki, I guess there's a chance for me." Jonesy: "That's it, off you go." [He pushes Jen forward and walks to the center of the food court.] "Welcome to the first ever Jonesy Speed-Dating extravaganza. Each date lasts three minutes." [Nikki starts a stopwatch.] "Then we ring the bell and the boys move on to the next table." [Nikki rings the bell.] "At the end, everybody picks the photos of whoever they want to go on a follow-up date with." ''[Nikki holds up two photos to demonstrate. One is a nice photo of Caitlin, while the other is an awkward Wyatt.]'' Jonesy: "Picks will be done in private so it's not awk-ward, but both must pick each other to receive that second date offer. Cool?" [The food court murmurs.] Nikki: "Let the games begin!" ''[Nikki rings the bell to start the dating session. Jen is at a table with a blonde guy.]'' Jonesy: [in her memory] "You gotta be unattainable! Not nice!" [She checks her cheat sheet.] Jen: "I don't like you." [Her date looks shocked.] "Right–now." ''[Jonesy slaps his forehead. The bell rings.]'' Caitlin: "You'll be happy to know that I'm up for anything." Angry Boy: "I hunt squirrels and dress them in little polyester pants." ''[Caitlin and Nikki look shocked. Nikki rings the bell.]'' Jude: "Hi. I'm Jude. Nice to meet–" [A fly flies into his mouth, and he chokes until he finally swallows it.] "Anyway–" [The bell rings.] Wyatt: "Um...so..." Jonesy: [in his memory] "Foot in the mouth." ''[Wyatt doesn't say anything for a few more seconds until he gets the idea to pick up his guitar and play. This goes wrong when his A string breaks, flies across the table, and whips his date's face.]'' Brunette Girl: "Ow!" Wyatt: "Sorry!" [The bell rings.] Caitlin: "You've got a great energy. I love your eyes, and I'm not even lying." Todd: "Uh, if you say so. Uh, do you want me to compliment you back?" Caitlin: "You can if you want to." Todd: "I'm happy to do whatever you want me to do." Caitlin: "Whatever you want." Todd: "No, you." Caitlin: "You." ''[The bell rings. Jen has gotten what looks like the same guy.]'' Tom: "Yeah, so I was whitewater rafting and–" Jen: "Yeah, I whitewater rafted once. Had to fight off a river shark." Tom: "Yeah. Wow. Impressive. Actually, once, when I was skydiving–" Jen: "I went skydiving when I was five. Had to fight off an attack helicopter." ''[Her date opens but then shuts his mouth. The bell rings.]'' Wyatt: [to his date] "Sorry. My guitar string's broken, so–" [He looks up.] "Hey! You're the new barista at Grind Me!" [She nods.] "Cool! Definitely won't be needing this." [He puts his guitar down.] [Jen's last date comes back to her table and moves to sit down.] Jen: "Sorry, wrong table. We just saw each other." Todd: "No we didn't." Jen: "Uh, yeah, we did." Todd: "Sorry, but we didn't." Caitlin: [to the same guy] "Yes, we did! How can you not remember?" Tom: "Yeah, because we didn't?" Caitlin: "Did!" Todd: [waving from Jen's table] "Hi Caitlin!" Caitlin: "Gah! Wait, you're twins?" [whispering to her date] "Well you're the cute one." [Caitlin's date sits down.] Jen: "Twins. Wow, I didn't–" [She checks the cheat sheet.] Jonesy: [in her mind] "Rule number 3: no matter what, you're always right." Jen: "Like I said, we did speed date already!" Todd: "Well, uh, if you say so!" Jonesy: [noticing] "Yes!" [to Nikki] "Told you my method is a winner!" ''[Nikki rings the bell. Jude sits down at a table across from a nerdy redhead.]'' Jude: "Hey. I'm Jude." Starr: "Jude. It's me." [She removes her glasses.] Jude: "Starr?!? Whoa, head rush. I thought you were all gothtacular!" Starr: "Turns out I'm really smart. I'm big on quantum physics now. And medieval-themed roleplaying games." Jude: "That sounds–um–fun." Starr: "I'm so happy to see you! I want to start things up again." Jude: "I bet, bra. Nerdy girl like you? Must be impossible to get a date." [Starr gasps.] "Uh, I mean, I've still got more speed dates to go on, plus, you kind of broke my heart." Starr: "But the heart is a very resilient muscle. In fact the human heart beats approximately 2.5 billion times in a lifetime." [Jude looks at her, perturbed.] Jude: "Ding, oh, looks like our time is up, see ya!" [He bolts away.] Starr: "Hey! You can't do that! I've still got time left!" [Nikki rings the bell.] Starr: "Or not."

[A bunch of photos are laid out on the gang's table.] Nikki: "Okay guys, here are the results. Wyatt, only one of the speed dates you picked picked you back." Wyatt: "Aw, man. That's so–" [Nikki holds up a picture of Cathleen] "–perfect! Cathleen's a barista at Grind Me! Can you believe it?" Jonesy: "Is it her you like–" Jen: "Or is it the coffee?" Wyatt: "Please! I'd never use someone like that! I haven't even tasted the coffee! Yet." Caitlin: "So how many guys want to date me?" Nikki: "Pretty much all the guys." Caitlin: "Yes! Then my technique is the big winner! Eee!" Nikki: "Whoa whoa, not so fast. Jen got the thumbs-up from the same number of guys." Jen: "Yes! I'm in Couplestown!" [dancing in her seat] "Oh yes, uh huh–" Jonesy: "The Jonesy method kicks it! In your face! Hi-five!" [Nikki leaves him hanging, so Jonesy hi-fives himself.] Nikki: "And it looks like you both get to go out with your number one picks." [She holds up the twins' photos.] Wyatt: "Uh oh. Trouble. Same guy." Jude: "They should do it like in the olden days, with swords at fifty paces." Nikki: "How do you have a sword fight at fifty paces?" Jude: "Fifty-foot swords?" Nikki: "Don't worry, they're just twins." Jonesy: "Perfect, we can break the tie! If Caitlin and Jen go on a double date with the twins, we'll find out whose method really works best." Nikki: "Or they could go out on normal dates like normal people." Jen: "I could barely get through three minutes using the Jonesy method! How am I gonna get through a whole date?" Jonesy: "Don't worry, I'll make sure you've got him wrapped around your little finger." Caitlin: "And if Jonesy's method doesn't work, at least you'll prove him wrong, so it's a win-win." Jen: [sarcastic] "Oh sure, why not. It's only my love life you're messing with." Jonesy and Caitlin: "Great!" Jen: "Agh." [She slumps.] Jude: "Any of the speedy mommasitas wanna see me again?" Nikki: "Just that weird nerdy girl." [She turns around Starr's picture.] "But you didn't pick her back, so–" Jude: "Unnnhh. Starr." [The table gasps.] Jen: "No way." Wyatt: "That's Starr?" Jude: "No, that's Starr." [He points to Starr, who is walking towards them.] Starr: "Hey Jude. Wanna see a movie?" Jude: "Actually–" Starr: "I've already got tickets, here you go." [She hands him a ticket.] Jude: "Uhhh..." [His friends nod at him with huge smiles.] "Okay." Starr: "Great. I'll see you later." ''[Starr leaves. Jude's shoulders slump.]'' Caitlin: "Oh, Jude! Congratulations! You and Starr are so good together." Jude: "But now she's all smart and stuff." Jen: "Ooh. Are you worried you're not gonna be bright enough for her?" Jude: [after a beat] "Now I am."

[Caitlin and Jen are on their double date at El Sporto's.] Caitlin: "I love that shirt." [Her date hands her a napkin.] "Wow! A napkin before I even need it? You're so forward thinking." Jen: "Uh...so..." Todd: "Is something wrong?" Jonesy: [whispering from the next booth] "Say 'You have to ask? Can't you tell?' Eyes front! Say it!" Jen: "You have to ask? Can't you tell?" Jonesy: [whispering] "Knock over your drink! Do it!" [Jen does so.] Todd: [mopping it up] "Uh–sorry–did I make you do that?" Jen: "Wow." Jonesy: [quietly] "Yeah. I'm a genius." Caitlin: [noticing him] "Hey! What are you doi–" Jonesy: "Ssh." [He creeps away.] Jen: "Wait! You can't just–" [Jonesy hands her an earpiece.] "Never mind." [She puts the earpiece in.] "Where were we? Oh yeah. Get more napkins." Todd: "Right. Of course. Sorry." ''[Jen's date goes off to get more napkins, and Jen silently chortles. Caitlin looks at her angrily and texts someone.]'' Nikki: [answering her phone] "Oh. Text from Caitlin." [reading] "Jonesy's created a Jen monster, you have to help. After all, speed dating was your idea?!? Wh–it's like I can't make a joke with these people! Ugh."

''[Wyatt walks into Grind Me with a flower. Cathleen is working the register.]'' Wyatt: "Hey there, Cathleen! A flower for your best cup of joe?" ''[Cathleen sniffs the flower and happily pours him a coffee. Wyatt takes one sip, and his eyes bulge. Suddenly, Cathleen looks to him to be incredibly beautiful.]'' Wyatt: [overjoyed] "This is the best coffee I have ever tasted in my life!" [A tear leaks out of his eye.] Cathleen: "Uh, it's just a cup of coffee?" Wyatt: "No! You're the best thing that's ever happened to coffee! Uh, I mean me. Happened to me." [Cathleen looks at him oddly.]

''[Jude and Starr exit the movie theater. Suddenly, Jude notices something.]'' Jude: [whispering] "Don't look now, but there's a pack of geeks hovering behind us." Starr: "Hey guys, this is Jude. Jude, these are my friends I told you about." Jude: [awkwardly] "Uh, nice to meet you." Starr: "If you guys haven't solved that space travel dilemma yet, maybe Jude could help out. Do you have any thoughts on how to change directions in space using a minimal amount of energy?" Jude: [thinking] "Well, I pulled a sweet board stunt this weekend. I grabbed a pole to swing back around. Didn't slow me down at all." Starr: "Of course! The same way satellites use the gravitational pull of the moon to correct their orbit. You're a genius." Jude: "I'll have to take your word for it, bra." Starr: "No you won't. You can take this IQ test." [She hands him one.] Jude: [worried] "You carry IQ tests with you?" Starr: "Everyone who joins has to, and then we do them once a month for fun." Jude: "Uh, sure, 'cause tests are super fun. Buuuttt, I can't do it now." Starr: "No worries, it's a take home. But we kind of have a policy? Only people with an IQ of 130 or higher are smart enough to hang with us." [Her friends nod.] "A hundred is an average score, and seventy or below is, well, you won't have to worry about that." [Her friends laugh.] "But I know you'll ace it. You can write it tonight and we'll find out just how smart you are in the morning." [She kisses him, and then she and her friends leave.] Jude: "Yay. Fun." [After they're gone, he begins running through the mall.] "Anyone here a genius?!?!? For the love of all that's good and holy, is there a genius in this mall?!?!?"

''[Jen and Caitlin are still on their date. Jen has not begun receiving transmissions.]'' Jen: [looking around and whispering] "Ugh, where is he?" Caitlin: [whispering] "Don't worry about it, let's just have a good time with these guys!" Todd: "Are you girls looking for someone?" Jen: "Yeah...I'm..." [consulting the checklist] "Looking for someone who knows how to mind their own business!" ''[Jen's date looks startled. Suddenly, Jonesy's voice crackles in Jen's ear.]'' Jonesy: "Jen. Nod if you can hear me." [She does.] "Sweet. Now repeat after me–" Nikki: "Who are you talking to?" Jen: "Who are you talking to?!?" Todd: "You." Nikki: "I said, who are you talking to?" Jonesy: "This doesn't concern you." Jen: "This doesn't concern you!" Todd: "Okay. Um..." Jonesy: "Ow, leggo of my hair!" Jen: "Ow, let go of my–hair?" Todd: "I-I didn't touch your hair!" Caitlin: "Jen? What's the matter with you?" [The earpiece squeals in Jen's ear.] Jen: "Ow!" [She takes it out.] "Huh? Oh, uh, ow, ooh, migraine." [Outside the restaurant, Nikki and Jonesy are fighting.] Jonesy: "Ow, c'mon, Nikki! I've gotta coach Jen to prove I'm a dating guru!" [Nikki grabs his phone and turns it off.] "I thought you'd be more supportive of my dreams." Nikki: "Whatever, Dr. Frankendater." Jonesy: "Yeah? Well speed dating was your idea!" Nikki: "Ugh!" Jonesy: "Plus, you're not the boss of me!" [He runs away.] Nikki: "Hey! Dating goofus! Get back here!" [She gives chase.]

''[Wyatt and Cathleen are sitting by the fountain. Wyatt has a coffee in his hand.]'' Wyatt: "So you don't go to movies, and you don't watch TV...um...what about music? What do you listen to?" Cathleen: "I like country!" [Wyatt looks at her, shocked.] Wyatt: "You know, maybe we're not really right for each other–" [Jude skates by.] Jude: "Geniuses! Looking for geniuses over here!" [The draft from his skating blows Cathleen's aroma towards Wyatt.] Wyatt: "What is that incredible perfume you're wearing?" Cathleen: "It's not perfume, it's just coffee smell left over from work." Wyatt: [in love] "Don't ever change." [He kisses her.]

[Inside Burger McFlipster's, Wayne is arguing with a patron about movies–and not just yelling, but throttling the customer in order to get his point across.] Wayne: "Listen. Dragon Blade is a superior film! Genius is never appreciated." [Jude skates up just in time to hear this last bit.] Jude: "Right on. Wayne always says he's the smartest dude in the mall." [coming in] "I need a genius, and you're the dude. You gotta take this IQ test for me, bro." Wayne: "IQ test?" [He laughs.] "Mere child's play. With some monetary incentive, of course." [holding his hand out] "A-heh-hem?" ''[Jude reaches into his pocket and drops a few coins into Wayne's hand. He skates out.]'' Jude: "It's due tomorrow morning!" [to himself] "Problemo solved."

''[Wayne walks into the meat locker and sits down. Strangely, there's a TV and a couch in the freezer.]'' Wayne: [seeing a movie on TV] "Ooh! Kung Footsie. Watching the opening will get my brain working, I know it!"

[Jen is nervous without Jonesy's guidance.] Caitlin: "So, what other dashingly heroic things have you done, Tom?" Tom: "You're a great listener. Let's see. I bungeed off a bridge once." Caitlin: "Wow." Caitlin's thoughts: Who's the dating guru now, Jonesy? [Jonesy comes by wearing a tennis uniform, an afro, and a fake mustache.] Jonesy: "Your waiter-a will be right-a with you-a." Jen: "Finally!" Caitlin: "Don't I know..." [figuring it out] "You!" [Jonesy whispers in Jen's ear, and she smiles.] Jen: "Uh, Todd? I'll be needing a foot rub. Now." ''[Jen holds her foot up, and Todd starts massaging it. Nikki skates up in a field hockey uniform and mustache.]'' Nikki: [wobbling] "Table four needs to be cleared." [She falls over.] Todd: "That's some serious facial hair." Jonesy: "Yah, I already-a clear-a table four-a!" Nikki: "I'll show you how to clear a table!" [She pulls Jonesy away.] Jen: "Please let him stay, I need him!" [She latches on to Jonesy.] Tom: "Well–why do you need a busboy?" Caitlin: "Let the hairy waitress do her job!" [She helps Nikki pull.] Tom: "Whoa! Are you dating her, or me?" Caitlin: "What? I'm only about you, Tom!" [She lets go of Nikki and comes back over.] "Only, absolutely, and flat-out totally about you!" [She kisses Todd.] Jen: "What? Why did you kiss my date?" Caitlin: "What? No! I kissed–oopsie." [Jen rushes over and kisses Tom.] Jen: "There. Now we're even." Caitlin: "So, that's how you want to play it?" ''[Caitlin grabs Todd and pulls him into a makeout session. Jen grabs Tom and performs the same procedure. Nikki and Jonesy look on until an actual waitress skates up to them.]'' Waitress: "All right. Everybody out!" [The six shamble out of the restaurant.] Jonesy: [to Nikki] "So, who do you think won the bet?" Nikki: "Uh, Tom and Todd, obviously?" [Tom and Todd both have dazed, happy looks on their faces.]

[Wyatt and Cathleen are sitting by the fountain.] Wyatt: "I wrote this song just for you." [singing and playing] "When I wake up/The first thing I wanna see/Is you grinding up some love for me/'Cause you're so fine..." Cathleen: "I'm getting the feeling this relationship's just about the coffee." Wyatt: [drinking coffee] "What? No, of course not! I like you a latte! I mean, a lot." [Cathleen stares at him, unconvinced.]

''[Wayne is still in the freezer. He's sat through the entire film.]'' TV: "You've been watching Kung Footsie." Wayne: "O-kay! Ha!" [He starts writing the test, but becomes distracted by another movie now playing.] "Exit the Dragon? This is a must-see!" ''[A while later, he is shown to have fallen asleep. Now an exercise program is running. His phone rings.]'' TV: "C'mon girls, keep it going! Five, four, three, two, one, keep those knees up!" [Wayne wakes up and answers his phone.] Jude: "Hey bro. I'll be dropping by to pick up the test in about twenty minutes. Cool?" Wayne: "Yeah! Cool!" [laughing nervously] "Definitely cool, man! Uh, see you soon!" [Wayne hangs up, looks around nervously, picks up the test, and begins scanning it as fast as he can.]

[Nikki and Jonesy walk up to their friends, who are seated around the table.] Caitlin: [brightly] "Hey Nikki!" Jen: [happy] "Hi Jonesy!" [Nikki and Jonesy start, surprised by this reaction.] Nikki: "Aren't–you guys ticked at us?" Jen: "Why should we be?" Nikki: "Uh, restaurant, twins, double humiliation, ring any bells?" Caitlin: "After you left, it turned out that Todd and I get along really well." Jen: "And Tom and I are a way better fit." Caitlin: "So we ended up kissing the right guys after all!" ''[She and Jen giggle. Wyatt walks up.]'' Wyatt: "Coffee, everyone? Handcrafted by my excellent new girlfriend Cathleen." [Everyone grabs a cup and takes a sip.] Caitlin: "Wow, this is great!" Jude: "Phenomenal joe, bro!" Wyatt: "Yeah, I know. I mean, if she can make this, who cares if she likes country music?" [Jonesy and Nikki do spittakes.] Jonesy: "Country music?!?" Nikki: "You are using her for the coffee!" Caitlin: [disappointed] "Oh, Wyatt." Wyatt: "Wha–I can't believe you'd accuse me of something so low. As a matter of fact, I'm just on my way to buy a present for caffeine." [realizing what he said] "Ehh–I mean, Cathleen. Uh, bye now." [Wyatt leaves, looking slightly sad, as he's realized that he really is so low.] Nikki: [sarcastic] "Oh yeah. This one's got happily ever after written all over it."

[Cathleen is inside Grind Me.] Wyatt: "Hey." [She looks up.] "I got you a gift." [He holds out a gift-wrapped box.] "Because I care about you." [She takes it.] "As a person." [Cathleen opens the present.] "It's an electric coffee bean grinder!" [Cathleen looks at him angrily.] "Uh, plus it's great for grinding cinnamon, and uh, nutmeg, and..." [She continues staring at him.] "Oh, it is about the coffee! Wow. I'm really sorry. Can you forgive me?" Cathleen: "Sure. But I won't be making you any more coffee." Wyatt: [sighing] "Yeah. I kind of deserved that." [Cathleen grabs the coffee in her ex's hands and pours it down the drain.] Wyatt: "Not this one too!" [sniveling] "I'm gonna miss you."

''[Jude and Starr are sitting together. Starr has finished grading Jude's test.]'' Starr: "Sixty-two?" Jude: "Is that good?" Starr: "No, it's very not good. I have to stop seeing you, Jude. I made a pledge only to date smart guys." Jude: "It's okay. Trying to be smart was giving me a headache anyway." ''[Starr rolls her eyes and leaves. Jude sighs, leans back, and puts his feet up.]'' Jude: "Ahh. Being dumb never felt so good."

''[Wyatt is playing guitar sadly with Nikki and Jonesy sitting next to him. Jen and Caitlin walk up with the twins.]'' Jen: "Bye Tom." Caitlin: "Bye Todd." [Jen and Caitlin kiss their boyfriends, who walk away.] Wyatt: [sighing] "I'm gonna miss dating caffeine. Uh, Cathleen. Sheesh!" Jude: "Here, bro." [handing Wyatt a cup of coffee] "Your ex-hottie just started her shift." Wyatt: "Finally!" [He takes a sip.] "Mmm." Jonesy: "At least Jude can keep bringing you coffee to remember her by." Wyatt: [sniffing his drink] "Ah." ''[Nikki is writing on something. Jen and Caitlin raise their eyebrows.]'' Caitlin: "What're you doing, anyway?" Jude: "Marking my IQ test. Figured I should give it a go for real and see exactly how many slices I am short of a loaf." [Nikki finishes and looks at the test, surprised.] "So?" Nikki: "Whoa." Jude: "That bad, huh?" Nikki: "Jude, you're a genius!" Caitlin: "Is that that sarcastic tone again?" Nikki: "Jude scored 175!" Jen: "Huh?" Caitlin: "He did?" Wyatt: "What?" Jonesy: "No way!" Jude: "Dudes, I should donate my brain to science!" Jonesy: "You might want to keep using it for a bit." Nikki: "Yeah, I think science has enough problems to deal with."