The Griffin Equivalency


 * Raj (Drunk, to Leonard): Look at that; I got a date with Penny! I can't believe it took you a whole year.


 * Leonard: Let’s see, Raj was the Kung Pao Chicken.
 * Penny: I’m the dumplings.
 * Howard: Yes, you are.
 * Penny: (she's instantly very cross) Creepy, Howard.
 * Howard: Creepy good or creepy bad?
 * Leonard: Who was the Shrimp with Lobster Sauce?
 * Howard: That would be me. Come to Poppa, you un-kosher delight. (To Penny) I’m not necessarily talking to the food.
 * Penny: Sit over there.
 * Sheldon (entering, to Penny who is in his spot): Sit over there.


 * Gablehauser: (all in Raj's office when Dr. Gablehauser walks in) Hello, boys.
 * Raj: Dr. Gablehauser.
 * Gablehauser: Dr. Koothrappali.
 * Leonard: Dr. Gablehauser.
 * Gablehauser: Dr. Hofstadter.
 * Sheldon: Dr. Gablehauser.
 * Gablehauser: Dr. Cooper.
 * Howard: Dr. Gablehauser.
 * Gablehauser: Mr. Wolowitz.


 * Howard (On Sheldon's smile): Oh, crap, that's terrifying.
 * (Sheldon's smile makes him look like the Joker from Batman.)
 * Leonard: We're here to see Koothrappali, not kill Batman.


 * (Raj has been named one of People magazine's "30 Under 30 to Watch")
 * Howard: Do I get an honorable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used?
 * Rajesh: Sorry; it's not part of my heart-warming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars.
 * Howard: Poverty? Your father's a gynecologist. He drives a Bentley.
 * Rajesh: It's a lease!


 * (Leonard, Sheldon and Howard are talking about getting a new friend after Raj has gone.)
 * Howard: Sheldon, don't take this the wrong way, but you're insane.
 * Leonard: That may well be, but the fact is it couldn't kill us to meet some new people.
 * Sheldon: For the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, the carriers of unusual pathogens. (To Howard) And I'm not insane. My mother had me tested. (Howard has a "WTF" look.)


 * Leonard: If we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.
 * Howard: And he should have a lot of money and live in a cool place down by the beach where we could throw parties.
 * Sheldon: He should share our love of technology.
 * Howard: And he should know a lot of women.
 * Leonard: Let's see: money, women, technology. Okay, we're agreed. Our new friend is going to be... Iron Man.
 * (While Leonard is only joking, Sheldon and Howard take it seriously and are fond of the idea.)


 * (Raj sees two men sitting at the table behind him. He talks to the guy with his back to Raj.)
 * Raj: Hey, buddy, I'm going to be in People magazine.
 * (The guy turns around and it is revealed to be Charlie Sheen.) 
 * Charlie Sheen: (he is not amused) Yeah, call me when you're on the cover.


 * (The scene during the opening clip where Sheldon is wiping his hand with a baby wipe, despite one finger at a time. he now holds the baby wipe packet to Penny)
 * Sheldon: Baby wipe?
 * Penny: Why do you have….
 * Leonard and Howard together: Don’t! Don’t! Don’t!
 * Sheldon: I’ll tell you why.
 * Leonard and Howard: O-o-o-oh!
 * Sheldon: I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms with hot air blowers.
 * Penny: I thought the blowers were more sanitary?
 * Leonard and Howard: Why? Don’t!
 * Sheldon: Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it would be more hygienic if they just had a plague infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
 * Raj (entering excitedly): Hey guys, I just got the most amazing new… (spots Penny) ew-ew-ew
 * Penny: (she's asking Raj with frustration) Gosh, Raj, do you think you’ll ever be able to talk in front of me without being drunk? (Shakes head.) Okay, well, I’ll just, um, go eat by myself.
 * Leonard: Penny, you don’t have to do that.
 * Penny: No, it’s okay, between (indicates Raj) him not talking, (indicates Sheldon) him talking and… (indicates Howard) him, I’m better off alone, so, (to Raj) goodbye you poor strange little man (gives him a kiss and exits.)


 * Raj: Remember that little planetary object I spotted beyond the Kuiper belt?

(Raj's parents are Skyping with him)
 * Raj: (inhales deeply, picks up laptop, presses a button. His mother and father appear on the screen) Hello mummy and daddy, good to see you. How are you? I’m not drunk.
 * Mrs. Koothrappali: Why would you say that?
 * Raj: Oh, just making conversation. Mummy, daddy, I want you to meet my new squeeze, Penny.
 * Penny: (to Raj) I am not your squeeze. (to his parents) There is no squeezing.
 * Dr. V.M. Koothrappali: I can’t see her, center her in the frame.
 * Raj: (turns the laptop webcam to face her) Here you go, cute huh?
 * Mrs. Koothrappali: She’s not Indian.
 * Dr. V.M. Koothrappali: So, she’s not Indian. The boy’s just sowing some wild oats.
 * Penny: No, no, there’s no sowing, no squeezing, (turns to Raj) and no sucking face.
 * Mrs. Koothrappali: What if he gets her pregnant? Is this little hotsy-totsy who you want as the mother of your grandchildren?
 * Raj: (offended) What right do you have to pick with whom I can have children with?!
 * Dr. V.M. Koothrappali: Look, Rajesh, I understand, you’re in America, you want to try the "local cuisine". But trust me, you don’t want it for a steady diet!
 * Raj: (furious) Now you listen to me, I am no longer a child, and I will not be spoken to like one! (suddenly feels sick) Now if you’d excuse me, I have to go throw up.
 * Mrs. Koothrappali: What’s wrong with him?
 * Penny: I don’t know, maybe it’s the "local cuisine". Okay, well, it’s nice to meet you, just gonna set you on down over here, and I’m going to leave so, Namaste. (Leaves, then almost immediately returns) And FYI, you’d be lucky to have me as a daughter-in-law. (exits Raj's apartment)
 * Dr. V.M. Koothrappali: She's feisty. (smiles) I like that.