Brothers & Sisters

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and s*x on TV. ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry. ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 9x16 ♪ Brothers & Sisters Original Air Date on April 17, 2011

TV announcer: We now return to a later-season episode of Family Ties.

Elise, have you noticed how puberty has changed Jennifer?

Shh! Keep your voice down.

I have a date with my boyfriend.

Well, uh, have fun.

You are to gather grapes for wine and prepare victuals for my return.

(phone rings)

Griffin residence.

Oh, hi, Peter.

Who is this? How do you know my name?

Give me back my son!

Peter, it's Carol, your sister-in-law.

Carol, how the hell are you?

Not too good. Jason left me.

(choking up): It's going to be my ninth divorce.

Oh, you know, just hanging out.

Peter, give me the phone.

Carol, hi. What's up?

Oh, my God, that's terrible.

Well, you know, Carol sweetie, we are always here for you.

Boy, Carol's lucky to have a sister like Lois.

You're telling me.

I always wanted a brother or sister, but instead I got a bro-ster.

Hey, Peter, you want to see my peginas?

Uh... I... I... I don't know.

I'm just saying that if you read somewhere that Gwen Stefani was a grandmother, you might not even bat an eye.

What the devil? What's going on?

Oh, I'm sorry, Stewie.

Your Aunt Carol's going to be staying with us for a little while, so she's going to need your room.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Stop it this instant!

We're not going to fit through there.

Only circles can fit through that rectangular doorway.

Oh, my God, it's going right through.

I... I got to get better at shapes.

Hey, Stewie. You going to sleep in here with us?

Is this how you spend your free time, fat-ass?

Lying half-naked on a bed in black socks at 11:30 in the morning?

You want to play with one of Daddy's socks?

What... Do I want to... No, what...

No, what... What an odd request.

Ah, the first one's always hard.

There we go.

The second one's easier, 'cause... toes.

Ah, come on, fella.

That's it.

(yells)

There you go.

Create an adventure with that.

Carol, you're here.

Hi, Lois.

Oh, it's so wonderful to see you.

Quagmire: Hey, need some help with those bags?

Ooh, well, yes. Thank you so much.

Oh, it's my pleasure, Lois's recently divorced sister.

When I heard you were coming to town, I figured I should introduce myself.

(chuckles) How you doing?

Well, not so good.

You may have heard that my husband left me.

Oh, I'm so depressed.

I mean, it can't always be my fault, right?

Uh-huh.

You know, at first I thought what I needed...

Uh-huh.

Was the immediate loving physical touch of a new man.

Uh-huh, yeah.

But now I know what I really need is a friend to just sit and listen to my problems.

Mm-hmm, uh-huh, uh-huh.

I don't think that's too much to ask.

No, uh...

I mean, how come men always feel like they can just use a woman?

You know?

Yeah.

I mean, we have feelings.

Uh-huh.

We're people.

Uh-huh, right.

It's like they all have the same mindset.

Mm-hmm, uh-huh.

It's all about s*x, s*x, s*x.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

And there's so much more to life than that.

Twenty feet that way, please.

Oh, it's so great to see you kids.

Here. I brought you all gifts from Texas.

Meg, this is a bar of soap with a scorpion in it.

Stewie, this is a lollipop with a desert spider in it.

And Chris, this is a comb made out of an armadillo shell.

Now, just don't use it to comb your hair and make promises to women you won't keep.

I probably just won't use it.

Well, if you all don't mind, I'm going to freshen up before dinner.

Mom, she's so sad and lonely.

Look who the (bleep)'s talking.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

It... It's just that she's my sister.

No wonder her husbands all left her.

Well, that's what her problem is.

She has such low self-esteem that every time a man shows her the slightest glimmer of attention, she rushes into something serious and gets her heart broken like a teenage girl.

Hey, Tyler. You on your way to algebra?

Yeah, I'll see you there.

(sobbing loudly)

You're awful!

Announcer: The preceding joke was brought to you by: Men.

♪ Men. ♪ ♪ We don't know what we did! ♪

Lois, thanks again for letting me stay here.

You can't imagine how it feels to have your heart broken so many times.

Aunt Carol, Mom says you'd make a great Florida whore.

What does that mean?

(forced laughing)

Oh, Chris, I said that about Kate Hudson.

You know, I always thought I'd be a good Florida whore.

Thanks to you, my hair stays like this when we stop.

(doorbell rings)

Mayor West? What are you doing here?

I'm being a rascal and ringing people's doorbells and running away.

Then, what are you still doing here?

It's my first house. I'm not very good at this.

Hello.

Well, dot dot dot, hello.

Lois, aren't you going to introduce me to your handsome friend?

Handsome?

(sputtering excitedly) Wow!

Oh, uh, sure.

Carol, this is our town's mayor, Adam West.

Mayor West, this is my sister Carol.

Well, hubba-hubba ding-ding, who invented this thing?

(giggles)

I bet you say that to all the girls.

Only the ones I'm about to ask to Friendly's for a Fribble.

Well, I don't really have any plans this afternoon.

Uh, Carol, given your present situation, it's possible that dating might not be such a good idea right now.

Actually, Lois, I think it's exactly what I need.

Hooray, it's a date!

But we mustn't let the local nobleman find out.

Otherwise, he'll assert his right of prima noctus.

Oh, no, we're too late.

Ah! I must bless this coupling with my soggy English pen1s.

Oh, no!

Come hither, that I may sire thee a dreary Brit!

You ever wonder what a seagull tastes like?

You know, I actually have.

I used to wonder, but now I know.

And it's not good.

It's great!

Wow, Adam. I just have to tell you, I'm... I'm having a terrific time.

Me, too, Carol. That was a great idea you had, about walking parallel to the water.

It makes for a longer walk.

See? We're already making each other better people.

Carol, I want to make this a night you'll never forget.

(gunshot)

(groans)

Oh, my.

Right?

Oh, by the way, I should tell you I've got aides.

What?

Yeah, they're right over there waiting for me.

Ready to go when you are, sir!

Poor guys. They both have AIDS.

Not okay!

(laughing heartily)

Now let's hear your fake laugh.

How was your date, you guys?

Oh, Lois, it was wonderful.

I wish it didn't have to end.

Well, it's not over yet.

What do you mean?

You're right, Carol. It was a wonderful date.

And I want to have a million more, every night of the week for the rest of my life.

Carol Yastrzemski...

Oh, please, let that be your last name...

Will you marry me?

What?

Oh, Adam.

Yes, yes! Adam, I will!

Carol, what are you doing?

Are you crazy?

You can't just jump right back into...

Lois, this is my life.

And this is what I want.

I will marry you, Mayor Adam West!

Oh, great!

I can't wait to tell the gals at my singles group.

Ah, come on. This is the goal, isn't it?

Carol, I'm really not sure you should be rushing into another marriage right now.

Well, Lois, I appreciate your input, but I'm capable of making my own decisions.

Are you sure?

I mean, look at your track record.

Nine divorces.

Do you really enjoy being Carol Pewterschmidt-Johnson- Carrington-Stone-O'Craggity...

Canseco-Shteinholtz- Washington-Proudfoot-Fong?

Look, I know I have a bit of a checkered past, but I believe in love at first sight.

Hey, Lois, I didn't flush. I want you to come see it.

Looks like the Starbucks mermaid.

Peter, Carol is marrying Mayor West.

You serious?

That's right, Peter.

Say hello to your future brother-in-law.

Brother?

I don't know those other two words, but brother?

I'm going to have a brother?

Well, what we're discussing is whether or not marriage is a smart move for Carol at this point in time.

I was hoping you might be able to weigh in.

I'm going to have a brother!

Hey Adam, want to go get in a fight over the rules of a game we made up?

Yep!

Peter: Five points. I win.

Mayor West: That's not fair. You weren't touching the bush.

Peter: I was too touching the bush... Oh, cool, this rock has mica.

Mayor West: Let me see!

Peter: Don't touch it. It's worth money!

I didn't know you rode bikes.

I didn't know you rode bikes.

Let's go butts-up and fast.

Oh, no! Patch of sand.

Oh, my God! Are you all right?

I'm fine. Let's just keep riding bikes.

Are you sure? That was a wicked wipeout.

(trying not to cry): I'm fine. Can we just keep riding bikes, please?

Thanks for coming to dinner, Lois.

I know you have mixed feelings about this.

I was worried you'd say no.

Actually, I was worried you'd say "Beetlejuice" three times.

'Cause if you say "Beetlejuice" three times, then Beetle... Oh, that was a close call.

Oh, Carol.

I would never miss any of your meet-the-fiancé dinners.

This is the tenth one.

Oh, Lois.

Well, Carol, I'm just saying it's a big decision.

Life is full of big decisions.

Like deciding whether or not you're going to have time to m*st*rb*t*.

Peter, I'm going to run and pick up Stewie.

I'll be back in five or ten minutes.

Well, which is it?

It's like I told you, Lois.

This time it's different.

Adam is the most kind and attentive man I've ever known.

Oh, that's interesting.

'Cause I remember you saying the same exact thing about Evan.

Isn't that right, Evan?

Yeah. Yeah, I do remember her saying that about me.

Evan. What are you doing here?

I brought him.

Lois, you didn't tell me you were bringing Evan here.

We bonded over the Red Sox one time, and now he's got to bring it up every time I see him.

How about those Red Sox, Peter?

Yeah, how about 'em, Evan? They exist.

How about last season, huh?

Yep.

How about next season?

We'll see.

Ho ho, I'm going to hold you to that.

Look, I see what you're trying to do, Lois.

And then there was your second husband, Randall, who you called your soul mate.

Oh, God, not that guy.

He always comes bearing really inconvenient gifts.

Hey, you guys.

Peter, I brought you some saltwater tropical fish.

Now, you got to feed 'em every two hours, and I fed 'em an hour ago.

Uh, all right. You got the food?

No, I don't have the food.

You get that at a tropical fish store.

It's 9:30 at night.

Well, you better get going.

Son of a bitch.

And then there was your third husband, Doggie Daddy, but you couldn't make it work 'cause he had that son from a previous marriage.

Hey, Carol.

Oh, hey.

Just want to let you know, Auggie's all grown up now, out of the house.

So... You know...

Anyway, I'm around.

This is really insensitive of you, Lois.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is for me to see my ex-husbands?

That's my point, Carol.

This is the kind of pain I'm trying to spare you from experiencing all over again.

Why can't you just let me be happy with the man I love?

Carol, if you marry him, you're just going to get hurt again.

Is that what you want?

Well... No.

Look at these men.

Are you psychologically able to deal with this pain a tenth time?

Oh, my God.

Lois, you're right.

Adam... I'm sorry.

I can't marry you.

What?

B... But, Carol...

I'm so sorry, Adam. (sobbing)

(sobbing)

I think you sh... should go now, Lois.

I... I can't.

My husband took the car.

Hey... No, yeah. No, I know it's late.

I just need some tropical fish food.

Come on, where the hell am I supposed to go?!

You're in there!

Don't worry, fish.

I'm going to take care of you, 'cause I know one day you'll do the same for me.

I'm sorry, but your friend doesn't have insurance.

I don't care what it costs. Just make this man well again.

Thank you, fish.

Man (over TV): We now return to Germany's most popular late-night talk show, Still Awake with Otto von Stade.

Some weather we're having.

Okay. I was recently in Munich.

Did you ever notice how the government buildings there are quite well-maintained?

Okay. We have no guest.

Good night.

Oh, how you holding up, Carol?

Not so good.

Look, I know you're depressed about Mayor West, but I promise you made the right decision.

Just give yourself some time, and I'm sure you'll feel much better about it.

Stewie: She says that to Meg a lot, so that's not good.

You're probably right.

(sighs) Oh, well.

I guess I just better go call all my friends and tell them the wedding is off.

(knocking)

Oh, hi, Mayor West.

Hi, Lois.

I just wanted to return Peter's Bedazzler.

Tell him I never even opened the box.

Wait, Mayor West.

Okay, I might have opened the box.

But listen, could you also say good-bye to Carol for me?

Good-bye? Where are you going?

As of today, I'm stepping down as mayor and leaving Quahog forever.

Because of Carol?

That's right.

I've decided to move to Alaska and become an Eskimo.

Alaska?

But that's so far away.

And the summers are so short.

Yay.

Summer's here.

Awesome.

Best summer ever.

Let's stay friends.

I lost my virginity.

Yeah, right. To who?

You don't know her. I met her at camp.

Peter, what are you doing?

I'm running away.

Why?

Because you took away my brother!

You ruined my life!

Adam and I were going to be brothers forever, and now he's gone!

All you got there is toys and cans of tuna fish.

Well, I got to eat. And I got to have fun.

Peter, you're just acting out.

No, I'm not. I'm acting in.

Okay, now you're just saying the opposite of what I say.

No, I'm not. I'm saying the same as what you say.

Peter.

Lois.

God.

Allah.

Look, I'm not sacrificing my sister's happiness so you can have a playmate.

She and Mayor West never would've made it.

Oh, yeah? Well, nobody believed we'd make it, and look at us now.

I drink, and you use s*x as a weapon.

That seems to me like a successful New England marriage.

Oh, come on, Peter.

My parents may have been against our relationship, but a lot of people supported us.

Oh, yeah? Like who?

Well, like... Like Carol.

God, if it wasn't for her support, I don't know that I would've had the confidence to marry you.

And now that she needs my support, here I am abandoning her.

Oh, my God.

Peter, I've made a terrible mistake.

Well, that's what I tried to tell you, but you were as stubborn as a pigeon at an ad agency.

(all talking)

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, these are all good ideas, but I think what people really get excited about is dropped museum popcorn.

But this is an ad campaign for a Nissan SUV.

How does that possibly...?

Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil.

I was put in charge of this meeting.

And we're going with dropped museum popcorn.

I'd like one ticket to Alaska, please.

One-way.

(sighs)

(tires squealing)

Has the... Has the 4:10 flight to Alaska left yet?

I'm afraid so.

That... That's it right there.

(sobbing): Oh, no, we're too late.

I'm sorry, Carol.

But if it helps, you're not the first person to get a bum deal.

Mr. Edison, we're going to use your invention to power the world.

And Mr. Tesla, we're going to use yours in the background of Frankenstein movies.

Aw, I wanted that one.

I am so sorry, you guys.

This is all my fault.

It's okay, Lois.

I know you tried your best to make things right.

Well, since I ain't got no brother to play army guys with, I might as well go to the Clam.

Hey, Quagmire, it's me. Meet me at the Clam in twenty.

That sounds great, Peter, but I can't right now.

Oh, crap. Why not?

'Cause I'm working.

I'm flying a plane to Alaska.

Alaska? What the hell?

I never even heard of this place an hour ago, and now everybody's flying there.

What did you say?

Quagmire's flying to Alaska?

Peter, that's the plane Mayor West is on!

Oh, I get what you're driving at.

If Carol can't have Mayor West, no one can.

Quagmire, I want you to crash that plane.

No survivors, you hear me?

Peter, for God sakes, no.

Tell him to turn the plane around.

Oh, hey, listen, Quagmire, turn the plane around and bring it back here.

Peter, I can't do that.

The FAA would be all over my ass.

Um, hey Quagmire, you know that stray cat we got in our neighborhood?

The pregnant one?

Yep, she's having her kittens right now.

(gasps) Oh, no way.

Yeah, making all those high-pitched "mew mew" noises and everything.

I love them already.

Yeah, but Brian's been eyeing them pretty good.

What?

Yeah, and I got to go to work now.

So I hope he's not, like, hungry or nothing.

This is your captain speaking.

We've discovered a shoe bomb on board.

We're going to have to return to the terminal.

Hello, Alaska!

Adam!

Carol?

I don't know what I was thinking.

I made nine mistakes, and I was afraid that I was going to make another one.

And you know what? I almost did.

Adam, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Oh, Carol.

Nothing would make me happier.

Hey, you know, when it's your turn to say, "I do," you should say, "I do the Dew," and then... and then we both pull out a Mountain Dew, and then I'll... I'll... And then I do, like, a radical skateboard jump off the altar.

Well, obviously, yeah.

("Bridal Chorus" playing)

Good luck.

I hope you like weird boobs.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

The bride and groom have written their own vows.

Adam, from the first day I met you, I knew that we were meant to be together.

I know I've said that before... a lot of times... and it's always blown up in my face.

Quagmire: Giggity.

But this time it's different.

I know it's going to work.

I love you... and I'll be proud to be your wife.

That was lovely.

Adam?

Milk. Butter. Cat food.

Those new potato chips in the snack aisle.

Beer. Deodorant. Garbage bags. Toothpaste.

Adam, I think that's your shopping list.

No. These are my vows.

They're all the reasons why I'll always love you.

Oh, Adam.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Oh, Peter, I'm so happy for the both of them.

Hey, I just realized... I have a sister.

Ha. Stand much?