Make New Friends But Hide the Old

Bertram, you look so happy.

Did your cheese of the week come in?

Better. It's the day I've waited for since summer began.

The end of summer!

Try to contain yourself, Bertram.

You're drooling in our eggs.

My plan for this year is to reduce my wedgie ratio to one per fortnight.

Yeah, if you keep using words like "fortnight," it's going to be a long, wedgie-rific year.

I just hope I don't have to sit next to gross Gus again.

He's always shoving stuff up his nose!

He claims he doesn't know what happened to my crayon, but how does he explain that magenta snot?

Oh, my! Look at the time.

You don't want to be tardy on your first day back!

But I'm still eating!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

We're gonna be late. Let's go.

There you are!

Thank you!

Love you!

Thank you!

Have a good day!

Thank you.

All right, be good! Okay, and then...

Thanks, Jessie.

Bye, you guys. I miss you already.

All: Bye! Bye, Jessie. Bye, Bertram.

(Sobbing)

I can't believe you're sad to see them go.

I'm not sad. These are tears of joy!

This has been the longest summer of my life!

Jessie, I'm shocked, I never thought we'd have something in common.

I mean, besides the oversized feet and secret love of boy bands.

We're finally free!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Yeah!

Woo!

Oh!

Told you.

That's just cold.

(Both humming)

Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

It feels like a party every day.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

But they keep on pulling me every which way.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

My whole world is changing.

Turning around.

They got me going crazy.

Yeah, they're shaking the ground.

But they took a chance on the new girl in town.

And I don't want to let them down, down, down.

Hey Jessie.

Hey Jessie.

It feels like a party every day.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie.

New girl alert!

Yikes, that outfit is puke-ular!

(Girls laugh)

What's with all the chains?

Did you just escape from fashion jail?

(Laughing)

What's with all the make-up?

Did you just escape from clown college?

(Bell ringing)

Ooh, I like your chains!

Totally worth the half hour back-up at the metal detector.

I'm Ms. Devlin, welcome to high school art, everyone.

I look at all of your enthusiastic faces and I think to myself...

"I hate my life".

"If only my art career had taken off".

With that said, let's have some fun!

You have 30 seconds to create a drawing that tells me who you really are.

Show me your essence!

I'm Emma.

So, where are you from?

Well, you go to Fifth Avenue, and keep walking north until you realize your purse is missing.

Luckily if you're on Fifth Avenue, you can just buy another one!

Sounds like there's more talking than soul searching going on over here.

And if I cared enough, you'd both be in trouble.

Rosie, let's see your work.

It's a skull and crossbones over a dollar sign.

It represents my wish for the death of capitalism and corporate greed!

Bummer.

Emma, what does your essence look like?

A smiley daisy!

Wow. You are about as deep as a kiddie pool.

Stop. You're making my daisy sad.

Okay, class, working with your desk partner, our first big project will be to create an artistic statement...

About what you feel is wrong with the world.

So, Rosie, you want to work at my place?

I'd go to yours, but I kind of like this purse.

(Gasps)

Kenny the Koala?

First day jitters, brother?

No! Jessie must have accidentally shoved him in with all my stuff!

Whatever you have to tell yourself, bro.

Hey, little Lukey, you bring your teddy bear to school today?

Oh, Kenny?

I mean, this random bear I never saw before in my life?

(Whispering) I'm sorry, just go with it.

Really? Then whose teddy-weddy is he?

Kenny is my teddy-weddy!

Or to be more precise, my koala-walla.

(Bell ringing)

We got ourselves a bear-lover, boys!

Oh, thanks, Ravi!

I can't believe you took a bear for me!

Well, you are my brother, and you have your reputation to uphold as big man on campus.

Whereas I am barely a man on campus.

Jessie: Hey, Zuri, welcome home.

How was your first day of school?

Horrible! I got homework!

That I can't do with crayons!

It's downright un-American!

Our founding fathers built this country on the separation of home and work.

No, they didn't.

And obviously, we should start with history.

I'm not interested in anything that happened B.Z.

"Before Zuri".

Who cares about a bunch of old guys in wigs?

Those "old guys" had to combine 13 colonies into a country.

You just have to combine five vocab words into a sentence.

Any more arguments?

Give me liberty or give me death!

Give me a break.

Whoa! This room is bigger than my whole apartment!

And I live with my Mom, dad, grandma, three brothers, two sisters, and four rats.

Six, if it's really cold.

We don't have any rats, but we have a Bertram.

He has beady eyes and whiskers and he loves cheese.

Rosie's here to work on a project.

Rosie, this is Jessie, my nanny.

A nanny?

And where do you keep the footmen and the stable boys?

Emma, you haven't told her about the country estate?

Rosie, why don't you go into the kitchen and grab a snack?

Make yourself at home, bestie!

She's the worstie!

She's such a downer, she organized an anti-pep rally!

She's ruining my entire high school experience!

Emma, it's only been one day.

You gave overalls more of a chance.

Unlike Rosie, those overalls were warm and forgiving.

All right, listen, Emma, I'm sure you can find something you have in common with her.

Part of growing up is learning how to work with difficult people.

But Rosie is really difficult!

(Laughing maniacally)

Trade ya.

You must be the butler.

And you must be a genius.

So what you up to?

Uh, certainly not writing fan fiction about Justin Bieber.

So, I've always wondered...

How does it feel to spend every day slaving away for the upper class?

Oh! It's horrible.

Can you pass me the caviar?

I think I'll eat it in the sauna.

Hey, Rosie. Before we start, why don't we sit at the table and have a little chit-chat?

So, what do you like to do for fun?

Stick it to the man.

Okay.

But do you ever, like, play volleyball, or go to the movies?

Or, you know, not make people uncomfortable?

No. But I am setting up a rally in Times Square to protest deforestation.

Speaking of deforestation, have you ever thought of plucking your eyebrows?

No, I'm very happy with the one I have.

But my Mom says everyone loves a makeover.

That's how she sold enough beauty products to pay for the new helipad.

Listen, Princess, you and I will never have anything in common.

Let's talk tomorrow.

To get back to the Bronx, I have to take three trains and a bus, to where my aunt picks me up on her garbage truck.

Wait!

The Bronx is a real place?

I thought it was imaginary, like Narnia or Staten Island.

Zuri, you have to do your homework, or you won't get anywhere in life!

Yeah, look where doing homework got you!

Losing at tug-of-war to an eight-year old!

I'm not losing. Aah!

(Laughs)

Jessie, your advice stinks!

I hate high school!

I wish I could just stay home and take it easy all day like you.

Yeah, try taking it easy with a remote lodged in your colon!

You can come out now, Ravi.

Today everyone will have moved on to teasing someone else.

Eh, it is actually quite homey in here.

I even dug myself a panic room.

Which I will now utilize!

Well, hey, Wittle Wavi.

Where's your teddy bear today?

Did you drop him off at day care on the way to school?

If I did, it would have been the responsible thing to do as a working parent.

You're making this way too easy.

(Whistles)

Oh!

Oh, Ravi! Are you okay?

The joke is on them.

Oh, they missed a spot.

Oh, shame on you, Mary-Beth!

Hall monitors are supposed to protect and serve!

You know, Rosie, I always suspected you got your clothes from the trash.

And here's the proof.

At least I can remember my name without reading my shirt.

And for your information, I'm wearing these soda rings to protest the damage they can do to the environment.

They can suffocate birds.

And in your case, repel boys.

(Bell ringing)

Oh, you all showed up.

Uh, well, in that case, uh, you should keep working on your projects.

Maybe someday you'll be as successful as Bobo the Chimp.

His finger paintings edged out my landscapes for a spot at the Guggenheim.

I really hate that monkey!

I think Ms. Devlin could use some bran.

So, would you mind if I maybe recorded our brainstorming sessions?

I would never want to miss any of your super-smart ideas.

Sure!

And I had an awesome idea for the project.

But in order to make it work, you would have to dress up like a beautiful doll.

(Gasps) I can do that! I love fashion!

Um, but is it all right if I pick out my own outfit?

Not that I don't love...

That.

Whatever you think is best.

You're the Fashion Guru.

And since you'll be the presenter, I will take care of everything else.

Really? That's so nice!

Everyone should really stop calling you a heinous she-devil.

Aw, do you need some bran, too?

Bertram, can I have the peanut butter?

Okay, but don't let it spoil your dinner.

(Sniffs)

Smells like your liver souffle did that already.

I always enjoy our little chats.

Eat your math sandwich, Mrs. Kipling.

And if you clean your plate, you can have some vocab sheets for dessert.

I'm sure they'll be "traumatic and loquacious".

Yum!

What's Mrs. Kipling eating?

Oh, no! The lizard ate my homework!

That'll be one the teacher hasn't heard.

Luckily, she emailed me your worksheets.

But nice try.

Stupid Internet.

I wish I was born in the olden times like you and Bertram.

What do I have to do to get you to do your homework?

It's really not that much.

Wrong!

The teacher assigned us more today, so now it's twice as much work.

Well, at least we know you can do math.

Ravi, what happened to you?

A spitball ambush.

Well, looks like this needs your undivided attention.

(Whispers) Thank you for being you.

Ravi, who did this?

The important thing is, it is not the fault of Luke.

Luke, what did you do?

It wasn't me!

Some kids at school have been giving Ravi a hard time because I may have sorta, kinda been seen at school with Kenny, and then sorta, kinda let Ravi take the heat for it.

Luke, that is sorta, kinda despicable!

Well, it's your fault!

How is that even remotely possible?

You're the one who put Kenny in my backpack!

Okay, so, that's not so remote.

But how could you just stand by and let Ravi get wallpapered?

I didn't ask him to do this.

He volunteered. He's fine with it.

If I may interject...

Ravi, not now!

Clearly, he's not fine.

He's covered in saliva and shame!

Is anyone else concerned that if I do not take a shower soon, I may harden into a giant papier-mache garden gnome?

So, just me?

Luke, I am so disappointed in you.

I always thought the best part of having siblings must be having someone to stick up for you, you know?

Ravi did his part. Now it's your turn.

But I can't! You just don't get it.

Jessie, since you were an only child, who stuck up for you in school?

My dad. Yeah, he'd show up at my school, lob an old avocado at the cheerleaders and yell, "fire in the hole!"

You've never seen a pyramid topple so fast.

(Laughs evilly)

Sometimes you scare me.

Hey, Wittle Wavi, wanna play some dodge-bear?

(Kids laughing)

Hey! Everyone!

Listen up.

Kenny doesn't belong to Ravi.

He's mine. (Gasps)

Luke, you do not have to do this.

Yes, I do.

Kenny's been with me since I was a baby.

He hangs out on my bed.

Sometimes I bring him to the dentist when I'm nervous because I haven't flossed.

In fact, the only person who's been a better friend to me than Kenny is Ravi.

So quit making fun of my little brother.

Girls: Aw!

Whoa, hey.

You know, Kenny and I have matching sweaters.

They think this is cute?

Classic Luke.

With those freckles and that charisma, he makes it work.

So, Shelby, you think the biggest evil in the world is yarn?

No, of course not. It's split ends!

You should know that better than anyone.

Fail much?

Hey, Rosie.

Does this look okay?

Perfect.

Now can you tell me what we're doing?

Emma, I am the artist, you are the art.

This will work best if you just try and keep your mind completely blank.

Sorry, what was that?

I was thinking about headbands.

See? You're a natural.

Well, most of you.

All right, show time. Hop in the box.

Just move your mouth up and down when I pull the cord.

Like this?

Who needs brains when you're pretty?

(Laughing)

What do we have here?

We object to the fact that women are judged, based on their looks rather than what's in their heads.

Too true.

I, for one, was judged harshly in the art world, when I went through an unfortunate sweat pant phase.

It's better to be beautiful than nice.

(Laughing)

Hey! That's my voice, but I never said that!

Um, Emma seems a bit upset.

I want out!

Um, what she means is that she wants out...

Out of this role she's been forced to play.

(Laughing)

Wait! Take me with you!

Ready to do some homework?

Close, close, close, close, close!

Nope.

Help! Help! Nanny gone berserk!

Where's Gloria Allred when you need her?

Sit. Here's the deal.

Neither one of us is moving until you finish that homework.

Works for me.

But don't you have tickets to see that new musical next month?

(Chuckles)

One, one second.

(Muffled screaming)

Jessie, please don't make me.

All right, sweetie...

I'm getting the feeling this is about more than just not wanting to do your homework.

Why don't you tell me what's really bothering you?

Well, third grade is a lot tougher than second.

What if I'm not smart enough to do the work?

Zuri, you're the smartest little girl I know.

Look, we'll do it together, and every time you get a question right, you'll get five extra minutes of TV time.

How does that sound?

Well, I usually prefer my bribes in cash, but I can get behind TV time.

Emma, what's going on?

You look like Ken died.

Rosie humiliated me in front of the entire school.

I'm so sorry.

I remember one time, Darla embarrassed me in front of my whole school.

It was laundry day and I was wearing granny underpants.

(Doorbell rings) Saved by the bell.

Emma...

I don't want to talk to you!

Emma, is this the girl who's being mean to you?

Yeah.

Listen, you.

There's two things I'm good at.

Eating cookies and kicking butt.

And we're all out of cookies!

Oh, okay, okay, okay!

(Nervous laughter)

Tenacious Z and I will just be in the screening room, watching some TV.

Not eavesdropping. Much.

This is not over!

I like her.

What do you need to say to me?

Well, first, I wanted to say that we got an A.

And you dropped your double-d.

Also, I wanted to apologize.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Well, you did!

I am so taking back my friend request!

I was going to accept, but my grandma won't get off our computer.

She's always looking for a boyfriend on that dating website, "I've fallen in love and I can't get up".

Why would you embarrass me like that?

I was trying to make a statement about people like you and Shelby.

I'm nothing like Shelby!

My shirts say "Emma".

And, unlike Shelby, I tried to be nice to you.

I know. I...

I guess I just never thought...

Someone like me could hurt someone like you.

Your life is so perfect.

My life isn't perfect.

My nanny was just giving me a speech about her underpants.

Yeah, she's weird.

The truth is...

I'm jealous, all right?

I mean, you live here, and you look like that, and you're so nice, and I just wanna smack you all the time!

Please don't.

If you really want to smack someone, may I suggest Shelby?

She is puke-ular.

Totally.

And you know what?

I think your fashion statements rock.

Really? Thanks!

Do you wanna borrow my skirt I made out of compost?

Uh, I think that's more for spring.

Hey! We both love fashion and hate Shelby.

Yeah, maybe we do have something in common.

Told ya so.

Do you mind I'm trying to talk to my friend?

Ugh, don't you hate it when your nanny and butler eavesdrop on you?

Okay, if we're going to be friends, please cool it with the rich people problems.

It's really annoying.

I used to feel the same way.

Try the massage chairs in the screening room.

You'll get over it.

And sometimes when I watch a movie where a doggie and kitty make friends...

I cry a little.

Aw.

Do not think less of me.

Aw.

Nice work bro. I'm proud of you.

Yes, vulnerability is catnip to the ladies.

Next week I will fake a sports injury.