Once Upon a Time in Garterbelt

(Cut to outside the church, which shakes during Garterbelt's line.) (Cut to inside, where Panty and Stocking are sitting. There is a ringing sound.) (Garterbelt pulls the rope beside him, making the board pop up.) (Panty and Stocking examine the item, which appears to be a ball gag. Garterbelt hastily picks it up and puts it back, looking away.) (The Angels do so. Cut to nighttime at the church, where Garterbelt is walking around, unaware that Panty and Stocking are watching him intently. He walks towards the altar, to reveal...) (Panty and Stocking go down the stairs in pursuit of Garterbelt. The stairs gradually get darker and darker.) (A spark goes down Panty's face as Stocking lights a match, brightening the whole area.) (Stocking steps on a pressure plate, triggering a series of traps, in order: a spike-ceiling; multiple sets of crossbows; flying platforms; and a spike pit, all of which the Angels survive through. All while firing their own F-Shots.) (Panty looks up at what Stocking meant - a giant clockwork robot with multiple arms and swords. The match fizzles in Stocking's mouth.) (The screen goes pitch-black. Cut to a image of the Vitruvian Man, which pans to the right to show a door. Said door explodes, with the robot flying out. Panty stabs its head with a spear.) (Panty and Stocking walk around.) (Camera goes down to reveal a city) (The camera reveals two cops and Garterbelt from the past, who will be referred to as Past!Garterbelt.) (Story break. Panty and Stocking are looking at a picture of Past!Garterbelt.) (Back to the story.) (Someone bumps into Past!Garterbelt, who then punches his lights out.) (Past!Garterbelt opens a briefcase filled with drugs at a table. A person on the other side then opens a briefcase filled with money.) (Gunshots are shown. Cut to Past!Garterbelt holding a mobster at gunpoint.) (Camera shows the city before panning down to show Past!Garterbelt at a table with a large pile of cocaine on it.) (Past!Garterbelt faceplants into the cocaine. Suddenly, the door kicks open as three armed gangsters aim at him. Past!Garterbelt looks up, smiles and stands up, arms wide, then the gangsters shoot him as he laughs.) (Story break.) (Back to the story. Cut to Past!Garterbelt, wearing a dunce cap, in a classroom-like area.) (A note falls from the ceiling. Past!Garterbelt picks up the note, which reads "HEAVEN.") (Another note falls down, which Past!Garterbelt also picks up. It reads "MISSION.") (A third note descends, no longer reading anything, but instead has a strange arrowlike symbol on it. Past!Garterbelt laughs at this note.) (The background goes black, like a TV screen, leaving Past!Garterbelt confused. Then a bolt of lightning strikes him, sending him back to the start of time, in a crater.) (Past!Garterbelt then gets chased by a dinosaur, but eventually they both get exhausted and look up only to see a meteor headed right for them.)
 * (Title card)
 * Panty and Stocking : (Off screen) Once Upon a Time, in Garterbelt!
 * Stocking : (Offscreen) Ew, who'd want to be in Garterbelt?
 * Narrator : Lies. They hide, while also actin' as keys to the doors of truth. But what about the doors that don't open? Can a key of lies open them; or has the key been a lie the whole time? Ya hear that? Yeah, that was the sound o' your mind bein' blown.
 * Garterbelt : (Offscreen) ARE YOU FUCKIN' ME RIGHT NOW!?
 * Garterbelt : You lyin' sacks of Angel shit! You're supposed to be emissaries of God, not selfish, chicken-headed hoes!
 * Panty : Motherfucker needs to motherfuckin' chillax before he has a motherfuckin' stroke!
 * Stocking : Which would rock, 'cause then he could only use half his face to yell at us.
 * Garterbelt : Shut the fuck up! You need to worry about your shitty-ass situation, not me!
 * Garterbelt : Focus, bitches! While you've been cock-jumpin' and embracing your inevitable diabetic coma, shit's been going down with the Ghosts in this town! People's freakin' the fuck out! Now, does "Hell on Earth" mean anything to you hookers? You need to stop actin' like a couple o' Babylonian hoes and remember why the fuck you're here to begin with! (Smacks the board- and Chuck- which makes something fly out of his sleeve.)
 * Panty : Um, ball gag alert!
 * Garterbelt : Yeah, that's just a holy device used during prayer.
 * Panty : Oh, really? 'Cause it looks like a fucking ball gag.
 * Stocking : (Whispering) Cheese it, Panty! This could be our chance to get Afro-Diculous off our backs!
 * Panty : (Whispering) Okay, but how?
 * Stocking : Let's watch him.
 * Panty : Oh no he didn't! That douchebag has a hidden room!
 * Stocking : You know that's gotta be where he does all his pervy shit. That dude is messed up as hail!
 * Panty : If we catch him in the 'pervy-shit' act, we can blackmail him into leaving us the fuck alone for once! C'mon Stockin', let's go get his ass!
 * Panty : Fucking hell, these stairs go on forever!
 * Stocking : This is bullshit, it's filthy, dark and moist, like you on a fullfull moon.
 * Panty : Shut up! You know I hate the word 'moist!'
 * Stocking : Ow- dammit, Panty! You stepped on my foot!
 * Panty : Dude, it's as dark as Garter's soul in here! (Her eyes are seen) Someone turn on a fucking light.
 * Panty : OW! SWEATY TESTES, STOCKIN', WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?
 * Stocking : Huh? You asked for light. (Looks around)
 * Panty : Holy shit-titties, where are we?
 * Panty : (Climbing out of the pit with Stocking) Fuck! That dickmuncher doesn't give us credit. I mean, Jesus, Garter, make it a fuckin' challenge, okay~?
 * Stocking : (Slightly muffled with the match in her mouth) I think we might have a challenge.
 * Panty : Uh- What--?
 * Stocking : (The match goes out) Ow!
 * Panty : In your face, ass-wagon.
 * Stocking : So, what do you think? Looks like a dead end.
 * Panty : Yeah, maybe. Where's the fuckin' afro?
 * Stocking : Probably hiding somewhere. Lame-ass twat.
 * Panty : (Stops walking) Shit. I don't think we're gonna find anything.
 * Stocking : (Offscreen) Panty! Check it out!
 * Panty : (Walking to the table where Stocking is) Check what out?
 * Stocking : I think it's a book. (Picks it up)
 * Panty : Please tell me it's a gay porn Bible.
 * Stocking : You know, yeah, it might be. (Turning pages) This thing is Garter's flipping diary!
 * Panty : Get the fuck out!
 * Stocking : What if he decided to journal a buncha dirty shit he doesn't want us to know and it's all in here?
 * Panty : Fuckin' A! Girl you know he did.
 * Stocking : We got Garter by the balls now.
 * Panty : (As Garterbelt's story unfolds) Ooh, read it in your Garter voice!
 * Stocking : Okay! (Clears throat, imitating Garterbelt) Mah story begins like... (Her voice fades out)
 * Garterbelt : (Narrating) My story begins like every story. A long time ago, I grew up in a shit-hole, so my choices were limited.
 * Cop : Lemme ask you, what's your name?
 * Past!Garterbelt : The hell do you care?
 * Cop : Are you an activist?
 * Past!Garterbelt : Hmph. Nah, I'm a fuckin' maggot, (Takes off his hood) just like you pigs.
 * Panty : What? Garter was a badass?
 * Stocking : How come he's a walking vagina now?
 * Panty : Right? Well, keep reading. I wanna see what turned him.
 * Garterbelt : If it was illegal, I did it. Extortion, trafficking, assault, smuggling...
 * Garterbelt : ...Public intox, public detox, murderin' shit, pimpin' shit...
 * Garterbelt : ...Drug dealing, in particular, was my forte. You gotta make the money first. Then when you have the money, you have the power.
 * Mobster : The fuck're you doin', Garter!? Without me, you wouldn't have a goddamn penny to your goddamn worthless name, you punk!
 * Past!Garterbelt : No-one's gonna tie me down! No-one! (Fires)
 * Garterbelt : I clawed my way to the top till I was king. King of the shit-hole. I had money, women, power, you name it. I had everything I ever wanted...
 * Garterbelt : ...And then, I lost it all.
 * Panty : Hang on, that asshole died?
 * Stocking : Yeah, this plot is super ridiculous.
 * Panty : So if he's dead, how can he be here?
 * Stocking : That is a very good question.
 * Past!Garterbelt : Ugh... Where am I? God damn...
 * Past!Garterbelt : (Thinking) Yeah right, I thought. Yeah, right, I should be in Hell and I damn well know it.
 * Past!Garterbelt : So what, am I supposed to be a missionary for the Lord? Fuck that! I don't take orders from no-one.
 * Past!Garterbelt : (Throwing down his dunce cap) Lemme tell Ya something, God, or whatever Your name is! I don't give a fuck who You are, I do what I want! And if You don't like it, You can suck my giant cock and write all about it in Your goddamn holy book!
 * Past!Garterbelt : (Crawling out of the crater) Oh, now I'm pissed! Huh--?
 * Garterbelt : (As Past!Garterbelt looks at where, or when, he landed) If only I had been sent to Hell. The punishment I faced instead was far crueler than I could've ever imagined...

(Fast forward to the time when monkeys were around. They see Past!Garterbelt stumbling around, somehow unfazed by the meteor. One of the monkeys touches Past!Garterbelt, only for him to roar at the monkey. It, and the other monkeys start beating him with bone clubs.)

(Onward to Genesis, where Past!Garterbelt emerges from the ground right as Adam and Eve are about to eat the Forbidden Fruit. Past!Garterbelt snatches the Fruit from the two, and gains knowledge from eating it. Later, he, Adam and Eve are all wearing togas, having eaten the Fruit as well. Past!Garterbelt then gets struck by a bolt of lightning, and coughs up the third note from his time in Heaven, (The arrow) which he then tosses aside as water rushes in from the left.)

(Now aboard Noah's Ark, Noah fishes up Past!Garterbelt from the flood. He talks to Past!Garterbelt as one of his doves flies back to him with the Arrow Note. Past!Garterbelt throws the note down when a shark comes up and eats him.)

(Now, as Moses splits the Red Sea, he and the other Hebrews encounter a shark corpse, which Past!Garterbelt promptly jumps out of and starts going the other way.)

(During Past!Garterbelt's time as an Egyptian, he runs into an obelisk filled with Arrow Note symbols. He starts banging his head on the obelisk as two Egyptian guards capture and mummify him, before they toss him into a pyramid.)

(Eventually, the pyramid is opened as two explorers find Past!Garterbelt's sarcophagus, right as he bursts out. He then escapes the tomb, only to go the other way as he is chased by army of Mongols. He turns around again, as another army of Crusaders chases him too. Past!Garterbelt sees both armies coming his way, and braces himself as they crash into each other.)

(In the aftermath, Past!Garterbelt finds himself the only survivor of the battle. He catches a glimpse of the Arrow Note symbol on a flag. He is then shown walking as several historical paintings are shown and his outfit changes.) (End of the story, as Panty and Stocking are shown sleeping. They wake up as they hear...) (The Angels leave the room. There is silence.) (The Vitruvian Man image rotates to reveal Garterbelt tied up on the other side, without his robe.) (Garterbelt looks down to see Chuck running in circles under him.) (Chuck climbs onto Garterbelt and puts the ball gag from before into his mouth. He then jumps up and pulls a rope from above, which causes Garterbelt's legs to split. Soon, the platform holding Garterbelt starts spinning as Chuck continues to split his legs. Camera pans to the book, showing two Arrow Note images, one labelled "G," the other labelled "B.")
 * Garterbelt : I have witnessed many things since then. Life, Death. Creation, Destruction. Prosperity, the opposite of prosperity. And still my curse continued to restrain and torment me. Eventually though, I had a revelation. It is within the awesome bondage of suffering that true joy exists.
 * Intercom Garterbelt : This concludes Part 1 of "My Mission as Garter," by Garterbelt. Thank you for reading. Please use the exit on the west side. Part 2 will be available early this year or the following year. It depends.
 * Panty : Well shit, I think we fell asleep.
 * Stocking : Do you remember at all what we were doing here?
 * Panty : (Stretches) Let's see... Yeah, no, fuck if I have a clue.
 * Stocking : (Turning some pages) What's this say?
 * Panty and Stocking : Eh, whatever.
 * Stocking : I'm gettin' outta this hellhole.
 * Panty : Me too.
 * Stocking : I'm gonna go find some sugar, and then I'm going to bed.
 * Panty : Same here, but with cock instead of sugar.
 * Garterbelt : (Offscreen) Shit, I thought those bitches would never leave.
 * Garterbelt : Can't have no-one interrupting my contrition. Bondage is a sacred purifying ritual between a penitent man and his maker. Clears the mind and shit! The last thing I need is to catch hellforth from a couple of hoes.
 * Garterbelt : You're late again, Chuck. C'mon, let's get this party started up in here.

(End of episode)