You Debt Your Life

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA! Aah! Anybody want a piece of this against my will? I won't accuse anyone. Okay, lady, you've had enough. I want to hear it from him. You've probably had enough. You are too big to punch. I did it perfectly. Stan?! What are you doing here? You called me. No, I didn't. ROGER Stan, I'm at Shenanigans. I'm super-drunk and about to get raped. Come pick me up in 45 minutes. Hey, I did call you and I sound great. I should get voice-over work. In a world where vomit comes out of my mouth Great, I tore my favorite suit saving your drunk ass. Oh, please. You'd be so bored without me. I would not. You're annoying. Driving you home from bars, cleaning up your messes, returning Somalian babies you've adopted. Their little hands can get stuff out of my butt. I don't know why I saved your life last night. I should have let that bus kill you. Wow, Dad! You saved Roger's life? I guess you guys are even now. "Even"? Yeah, you know, the life debt. Oh, right. Yeah. It's true. I understand, too, Hayley, but would you explain it anyway? I love to hear things summarized. Sure, Mom. Years ago, Roger was a prisoner in Area 51. He got loose and Dad was the one who found him. Guards threw grenades into the room. And Roger saved Dad's life. Ever since then, Dad's owed Roger a life debt, and that's why he lives with us. Hey, now that the debt's repaid, he can move out. Klaus, the life debt may be why Stan invited me to stay here at first, but we all know he love me now and wants me to be here. Nope, it's the life debt. It's always been the life debt and now it's repaid. I don't owe you squat. Stan No. No, it's true. He doesn't. And if that's how you feel, Stan, maybe I should just move out. Maybe you should. Fine, I'll move out today! Great, see you. You'll miss me! I should have grabbed my fanny pack instead of that jerk. Oh, fanny pack? Finally-- yes, at Area 51. When I met Stan, I was wearing my special fanny pack. But it fell off and I had to choose between grabbing it or saving Stan. Clearly, I chose wrong. Oh. Aren't you going to ask me what's so special about the fanny pack? Okay. What's so special about? That's personal! Stay out of my business! Oh, oh, no! Tell Francine to stay out of my business! And lunch today will be pizza and tater tots. Tater tots! All right! Hey-a, friendos! How's this sound? "The Sci-Fi Club will meet Wednesday at 3:00. "This week's topic: the complicated relationship between black people and science fiction. " Sounds good. Hey, here he comes. Hey, Zack, could you announce our Sci-Fi Club meeting tomorrow? Yeah no. But it's a club and Look, I decide what's worth announcing and stupid crap like that ain't it. Wow, what a jerk. Someone should put Zack in his place. Yeah, his ego is out of control. Like my blood sugar. Thanks for letting me move in right away, Miles. Hey, no problem at all. Whoa, who is this dog?! Is this so we don't get boners in the common area? That's my mother. Ugh! I wouldn't even do coke off this picture. Oh, who am I kidding? I would and I'm about to. Mama's boy! Your neighbor's a mama's boy. Yeah, I know. Who's at the door, Todd? It's for me, Mommy! I love you! What are you doing up here? Oh, uh, just, uh, enjoying Roger being gone. Oh, that's cool. So, I guess neither of us came up here for any particular reason. And soccer practice had been moved to the upper field. Are you sure this'll work, Steve? Snot, this strategy always works. And congratulations to the badminton squad, who will be going to regionals. Zack, will you announce our Sci-Fi Club meeting? I told you, no! But don't the students have a right to hear about? Those stupid sheep hear what I want them to hear! I decide what gets announced and those idiots out there do what I tell them! Zachary, for Pete's sake, the microphone is still on! It worked! People always forget the microphone is still on. I always forget the stove is on. Zachary, you've lost your announcing privileges. Steve, I want you to be our new announcer. Me? Uh, thank you, sir. Here's your trophy. I'm just kidding. Can you imagine if you got this big-ass trophy just for announcing? No. No, a trophy like this is for when you star in over 40 adult films in under two months. That's how you get a trophy like this, son. Sorry, things didn't work out with your new roommate, Roger. I tell you, it's a cruel, cruel world out here. Did you know I saw a man beat down another man today for a sandwich? A sandwich, Francine! This sandwich. I wish I could just come home. So come home. We want you there. Stan doesn't. As far as he's concerned, the only reason I was living there was the life debt he owed me. And now, it's repaid. Forget about the life debt. Stan's too proud to admit he misses you, but I know he does. Hey! What if you offered to pay rent? Then Stan would have a perfect excuse to take you back. You know, that could actually work. I don't mind paying a little rent. All right, I'm coming home! Hi, kids! As soon as Stan sees my face, he'll realize how much he's missed me. This isn't my feather boa. It's beautiful, but it's not mine. This has been inside someone! A Travel Guide to Tokyo's Finest Defecation Clubs? This stuff seems like it's mine, but it's not. What is going on? Stan, who the hell is this? My new tenant. Meet Andy Dick. A plea-zure. Oh, my God! Another fey pansexual alcoholic nonhuman. I've been replaced! Egads! Who are you calling "fey"? I have a son. Bouncing, bouncing vodka Andy Dick. Andy, if you need anything, just let me know. Welcome to our home. How could Stan think he could replace me with you? You are so annoying. I'm not annoying. I'm a princess. Oops, I sharted. Stan's not going to put up with you. You won't last two hours. Get in this car! No! Oh, God! They're doing everything we used to do together. These should have been my good times. I've seen enough. Drive me home, David. I live right up here on the left. What are you doing? Oh, Andy thought it'd be funny to make me a melted cheese on work I was supposed to do sandwich on briefcase bread. Stan, you're renting the attic to someone who's exactly like Roger. Just admit you miss him. I have no idea what you're talking about. Andy is nothing like Roger. Look, I'm a firefly. STEVE And lunch today is lasagna. This concludes the announcements. Have a great day. Well done, Steve! That's right, Snot, 'cause I'm the man! Whatever I say goes. I said Miss de Gaulle's French class was moved to room 215, and it is. I see you, baby, shakin' that derriere. That means butthole. And, behold, I said lunch was lasagna, and they're eating lasagna! Everything I say happens! We've got to do something. Steve is drunk with power. The drunker he gets, the better I look. Roger? Sorry. I-I'm looking for a friend. I'd say you found one. Boing! Roger? Oh, hey, Franny. I was just catching some "Zs. " I got your message that you were staying here. Roger, this YMCA stopped renting out rooms, like, 30 years ago. What?! I just put up all my pictures. Oh, I wish you and Stan could just patch things up. It's too late. I've been replaced. Good for you. You can't give up, Roger. Maybe you just need to remind Stan why you guys were once friends. That's a great idea, Franny. Tell you what. Bring Stan to the zoo tomorrow. That's where I've been pooing-- in the peacock hutch. After he spends the day with me away from Andy, he'll remember how good we are together and he'll invite me to move back in! I'll go talk to Stan right now. I'll walk you out. Let me run upstairs and change. Uh-oh, storm's a-comin'. STEVE Finally, the janitorial staff has a friendly reminder. Please do not defecate in the urinals. Don't forget to announce debate team practice. Screw debate. Go away! It's an official school team. It's only a school team if I say it's a school team! I do the announcements, and all those mongoloids and tampon-eaters do what I say! Steven! For Pete's sake, boy, the microphone is still on! Snot, from now on, you're doing the announcements. Yes, sir. Brought down by an open microphone. We had to do it, Steve. You were out of control. Like my cholesterol. Jeez, Barry, you have a lot of health problems. Enjoy that, fancy birds. Stan, you're here! Roger. Damn it, Andy. Can I put you down now? But I feel so snug, Stan. Ooh, this must be how baby kangaroos feel when they're on heroin. What is he doing here? Oh, Stan insisted on bringing him. Mostly, because every time we leave him alone in the house, he has sex with the groceries. Ugh, that guy is such an annoying, selfish jerk. This is a disaster. Why did Stan have to save my life? I just wish things could go back to the way they were when he still owed me that life debt. That's it! What the hell are you doing?! Acting like a genius. All I have to do is grab that ladder over there, lower it down, and save Stan. He'll owe me a new life debt and I can move back in. Don't worry, Stan. I'll save you! No, I'm supposed to save him! No! It's my life debt! You're crazy! You're so crazy! Aah! Aah! It's all right! I'm okay! Eww! St! Don't worry, Stan. I'm going to take you to the hospital. No, I need to save him! Damn it, Roger! Take him to a hospital! Franny, we've been over this. I can't take Stan to a hospital because then a doctor would save him. To restore the life debt, I have to save him. This is crazy! Well, I think you're crazy. See? Isn't that hurtful? You son of a bitch! I'm going to rip your throat out! Oh, okay. It always ends with you being a potty mouth, so I'm hanging up. Roger? I had a crazy dream. I was at the zoo and Oh, my God! Don't worry. I'm saving your life. I've got a special salve that'll make your legs grow back. We just have to get to my fanny pack in Area 51. Area 51?! Roger, take me to a hospital! I'm bleeding to death! Which is exactly why we don't have time to argue. We have to get you to Area 51 and there's not a moment to spare. Anybody have a giant pad of butter? We made it! Now, use your CIA credentials to get us past the front gate and Stan? Looks like it's up to me. Identification, sir. Thank you, sir. Good-bye, sir. That's a very nice bird, sir. Sir, you're cleared to enter the base. You don't have to keep showing me things you can do. Steve, look, about yesterday No, you did the right thing. Just be careful doing the announcements, okay? The power of the microphone-- it-it it changes you. Don't worry, buddy. No stupid announcements are going to change me. I do the announcements! I am the second coming! I speak for God now! Schmuley! Barry, you're doing the announcements now. Ah. You, you're gonna do what I say or I will put my foot so far up your , you will rue the day you crawled out of your mother's ! Barry! I made a swear. All right, that's it. We're not doing daily announcements anymore. All of you just get out of here. Damn kids. Sometimes I think I should have just stayed in Peru moving coke. Machado was a cold bastard, but he was good to his men. And once you drew blood for him, you were set. Hooch, blow, girls-- not women, girls. Little bitty things. Brian! Oh, me! Roger? It's okay, Stan. We're inside Area 51, and I think I know exactly where to find my fanny pack. Just take me to a hospital. Ugh, you are a broken record. That must be where my fanny pack is. I knew it. Hello, beautiful. Stay with me, Stan. Roger? I feel better. A lot better. I feel like Oh! Don't worry. They'll grow to full size, but it takes a few hours, so you're going to have to do the baby leg thing for a little while. Roger, you saved my life. And you owe me a life debt again. Guess you'll have to kick Andy Dick out and let me move back in. Scientists! Hey, guys, I'm glad you're here. We got separated from our tour group. I'm safari man Hubert LeGrange and this is my sidekick Wheelbarrow Tim, AKA Babylegs O'Hurlihan. No, you're an alien, and that's your picture. Damn it! Run, Stan! Get 'em! They're gaining on us! Damn baby legs. Can't turn. Have to jump it. Yes. I think we lost 'em. Roger! Aw, crap, you saved my life. Isn't that good? No. That means we're even on life debts again. I wanted you to owe me, so Never mind. I'll look for another room to rent. No, Roger, don't. Look, I didn't even remember the life debt until Hayley brought it up. I just didn't want to admit that I like having you around. What about Andy Dick? You were doing a lot of cool stuff with him. I saw you hold his nose until he spit out that Band-Aid he found on the sidewalk. Andy Dick bugs the crap out of me. You bug the crap out of me too, but, well with you it's different. And I want you to move back in. Oh, Staniel, you love me! Oh, man, I can't wait to move back home. We just have to figure out how to get rid of Andy Dick. Go get the pills, boy. Punch it! Smart throwing him those drugs. Actually they were Tic Tacs. Smarter. Um, Stan, Andy Dick's running after us. What? I'm going 55. He's catching up to us. Faster, Stan. He's gonna get us. Why didn't you give him real drugs? You fool! You've killed us both! Oh, no, he's passing us? Oh, yeah, he's robbing a pharmacy. We're okay. We're gonna be okay. Bye! Have a beautiful time.