Zander's Joyride

[whirring] [metallic clanking] [whistling] - So that's how we'll do it. - Roger, roger. [clank] Wow! The Blazemaker's looking great. I bet you're the best mechanic in the Outer Rim. Well, I don't like to brag, but yeah, that's what they say. Still, I bet you can't adjust the engine timing one-handed. What is it, rookie day? [revving] Sweet! But there's no way you can replace the fuel pump blindfolded. Pfft. Come on. Give me a real challenge. Think fast! Done! [gasps] [music] [humming] - What else you got? - Hmm. Let's see you pull the nav board wrapped in chains. [sniffing] Do I smell chromium? What? Chromium? - Where would we get chromium? - Rowan! Well, I-I don't know what you're smelling, but it's definitely not a classic N-1 Naboo starfighter. [gasps] It's not a what? [gasps, yelps] [angelic music] The most beautiful ship ever! [kissing] [sighs] Nose plugs. Why didn't I think of nose plugs? [Star Wars theme] 1x03 - Zander's Joyride The N-1 Naboo starfighter! An Old Republic classic! Pristine! Still has the chromium undercarriage. - I must fly it! - No! Kordi told me not to let you anywhere near it. [laughs] And how are you gonna stop me? Naare's been training me for moments like this. [grunting] Aw. The Force is not with you. - See ya! - No! Okay, so I want the engines double steamed - and then steamed again. - No problem, Mr. Cooper. [beeps] And would you see if you can recalibrate my astromech? He makes this sound. [blows raspberry] - See? It's disconcerting. - Got it. Great. Now, I want the heat sinks flushed, but use pure Kamino water. Okay? [chuckles] Don't think that I don't know the difference between that and Dagobah sludge. 'Cause a lot of people will charge you for Kamino, - and you get Dagobah sludge. - Of course. Your reputation as vintage vehicle experts is peerless. But honestly, um, given the decor, [chuckling] I am a little bit skeptical. I assure you, sir, our staff is nothing but professional. - Get off me! - No way! - I got my orders! - You're, oh, so little! But they can get pretty territorial around their tool boxes. Can you excuse me for a moment? [grunts] Rowan! - You weren't supposed to let him see it. - Kordi, it's not his fault. - Rowan has a tell. - What's his tell? He told me. [grunts] Zander, you are not taking that ship for a ride. It is worth more than our entire shop! And Moneybags Wick Cooper is the first customer we've had in a long time. [bell dinging] Yoo-hoo! I have not completed my list of excessive demands. I'll be right there, Mr. Money uh Mr. Wick Cooper. Now get down from there, Zan - Blast! This is gonna cost you. - Me? How is this my fault? - You know he can't control himself. - Neither can I. I'm 12. Ah! You handle so smooth. [droid language] Relax. Mechanics always take a ship out for a test drive. I'm just doing my job. [sighs] You think we'll ever see him again? There he is! - There he is! - There he is. What is going on back here? Where is my ship? - It's in the back. - Where? Way in the back. Like way, way in the back. You're craning, but I literally don't see it anywhere. Exactly. We ensure our client's privacy. So why don't you sit in here and let us baby your baby? How long is this going to take? Because I have a thing. Well, since we're being extra careful, we're gonna need extra time. But we'll throw in a free wax and buff with only the finest Bantha fur! Are you crazy? That'll cost I mean, of course. [chuckles] We'll totally do that. [sighs] Should have gone to Theed Hangars. [droid language] Oh! An asteroid belt. I'd be wise to avoid that. [beeping] But today, I'm not a wise man. I'm Zander Freemaker, daredevil asteroid guy! [beeps] [chuckling] Oh, relax. The way this baby handles, I'm untouchable! Whoo-hoo-hoo! [alarmed chirping] Am I killin' it, or what? [beeping] Ah! [droid language] Turn back? We're almost all the way through. Now that you mention it. Whoo-hoo-hoo! [droid language] Ha-ha! I love this ship! Don't worry, Mr. Wick Cooper. Your baby's in the best hands in the galaxy. ROWAN: Well, there's your problem right there. The ionization blow-off valves are all gummed up! We'll need to order some new ones. Ooh, that's gonna take a while. And the manifold sprockets are fused. That "a while" just became "a stretch. " The gyro-stabilizer's completely shot. - Aaah! Ooh! - Now we're talking "a good long time. " Just fix it. [sighs] [droid language] [laughing] Too slow, space slug. [dejected chirping] Aw, what's the matter? You scared? Gotta learn to live a little. Well, well. What do we have here? An unsanctioned A-wing drag race. I bet they didn't expect Zander Freemaker, daredevil drag race guy. Hey! You think your crates can keep up with an N-1? I don't! [laughing] Oh, what are these jokers doing? Ah, you've got lasers. I have lasers too. Aw, what? Giving up already? Guess you couldn't handle Zander Freemaker, the drag-racing, blaster-firing guy! [excited chirping] What is so important that you have to interrupt my gloating? [droid language] Huh? FEMALE VOICE: Attention. You are under arrest for MALE VOICE: Subversive acts against the Empire. What? I gotta full throttle outta here. FEMALE VOICE: Resist and face MALE VOICE: Disintegration and/or vaporization. Or maybe I'll just ease off on my main thruster. [bell dinging] Don't worry, Mr. Cooper. The parts are on their way. In the meantime, our customer service droid Roger will be happy to see to your every need. - Only thing I need is my ship. - What about entertainment? Yes. Entertainment. I'll go check on your ship. I've been working on my autobiography, From Trenches to Wrenches: The Roger Story. - Would you like me to read it to you? - Of course not! Oh, good. I'll get some honest criticism. No one here wants to hurt my feelings, so they just tell me it's lousy. Chapter One, "Lo, I Am Manufactured. " Yaah! - Any sign of Zander? - [sighs] Nope. FEMALE VOICE: Incoming call. Hey, guys. What's going on? Everything okay? Zander! Where are you? Where's the N-1? Relax, Kordi. We're both safe and sound on, um [clears throat] the Imperial Star Destroyer Vendetta. - What?! - Yeah. There's, you know, been a little misunderstanding. What misunderstanding? I've, um, been kind of arrested. [laughing] They think I'm a Rebel. No, no, no, no, no, no! This cannot be happening! Look, I-I just need you two to remember one thing. - What is it? - Help me! I am going to throttle Zander! - We've got to rescue him. - Right. That's a great idea. That'll make throttling him easier. But how are we going to get him off an Imperial Star Destroyer? [gasps] Naare! Oh, no! We are not going to that nut-job Jedi. Can't we just get one of those bounty hunters? - Well, they charge money, so - Naare it is. [lightsaber clashing] FEMALE VOICE: Incoming call from Star Destroyer Vendetta. Agent Naare. Why have you not obtained more Kyber Saber crystals? The Emperor grows impatient. And displeased. And frustrated. And hold on. I wrote down a few more words here. I must be cautious. If the boy suspected who I really am, I would lose his trust. Have you tried Force choking him? I find it's an excellent way to get results. Naare? You here? - I must go. - Do not hang up. I have more words. Restless. Agitated. Furious. Unhappy. Rage-filled Zander's in trouble. We need your help. Of course. You can put your trust in me. I am a Jedi, after all. Now, where is he? Captured by the Empire on the Star Destroyer Vendetta. [gasps] On the other hand, one less mouth to feed. Are you sure you're not better off without him? - Good point. - What? Oh, I get it. This is a test. You're trying to teach me something. That I can do this on my own. That I can become a Jedi on my own. That I can find all those Kyber Saber crystals - on my own and save the - No. Those are mine! I mean kidding! I'd be happy to help. Great. And I know how we can get aboard that Star Destroyer. - I give you a TIE fighter. - That's not a TIE fighter. No, it's a class "D" cargo container - with an engine and fuel cell on the back. - But slap a couple of hex wings on it, and no one will know the difference. [music] [clank] If anyone asks, we thought it was Wacky Ship Day. I'll take the Eclipse Fighter. [choking] Why did you disobey me? I told you to chew more carefully. [gasping] Thank you, Lord Vader. And not to let the Rebels escape! [choking] Lord Vader. We've captured one of the Rebel fighters. I know how much you enjoy using the interrogation droid. Ooh! I do! MALE VOICE: Incoming vessel. Identify yourself. Don't worry. I've got an Imperial transponder that I salvaged from a wreck. Transmitting security clearance. Security code not received. You have 10 seconds to transmit. - We should leave. Quickly. - No, I can fix it. Transmit, or face destruction in five, four - Will you please turn back? - three - Rowan, fix it now! - two, one. Yah! [beeps] Clearance authorized. Yes! - How's TK-429 Jr. doing? - Great! He's already a better shot than his old man. [laughing] Hard not to be. It's all clear. - Aaah! - Hold it right there! [shouting] [blows landing] [men grunting] Wow! How did you get past the defenses without a transponder? - I used a cloaking device. - On a ship that small? No time for questions! Come along. [mechanical breathing] Tell me everything you know about the Rebellion. Uh, I'm pretty sure they're, like, not on your side? Oh, I see. You wish to play games. Bring in the interrogation droid. [gasps] Ah! My name is Zander Freemaker, and I come from the Wheel! I like starships and pickles and Becky Smoochenbacher from the Upper Ring! - It hasn't done anything to you yet. - Oh. Now you will tell me everything you know about the Rebellion. [electricity crackles] Ow! My name is Zander Freemaker Ouch! I come from the Wheel, and I Yeow! I like starships and pickles and Ow, ow, ow! And Becky Smoochenbacher from the Upper Ring! Ah, by the way, keep the Becky thing just between us. But the pickles do what you want. I don't care. Huh. [gasps] TOGETHER: Ma'am. As you were. Wow. How did you do that? - Um Jedi mind trick? - Impressive. Thence they came, 1,200 Wookiees trudging through the swamps of Kashyyk. [groans] I still remember the screams, the blaster fire, the horrible stench of swampy Wookiee fur. [yawns] If you are going to force me to listen to this, can I at least get a cup of caf or something? I got something better. This stuff got me through the five-month Siege of Saleucami. I'll pour you a cup. [slurping] Aaah! [gagging] That is horrible! What is this? Thirty-weight motor oil. [gagging] [retching] You gonna finish that? [slurping] Ahh. It's plastic, which is why I don't need to spend money on hair product. Maybe it'll work for you. I don't know. I don't even know if you have hair under all that. Pure nonsense! He is either highly trained to resist interrogation or a complete imbecile. TOGETHER: Zander! - I got this. - No time for that. I'll use my Jedi powers. - Hey, is that a stormtrooper? - Where? [beeping] Oh, look, I'm in. Guys! You came to rescue me! No! We came to get Wick Cooper's ship. I'd leave you here, but I need you to fix the damage you've caused. - I'm confused. So you want me to come, or - Yes! Oh, thank you! I'm so sorry. I gave into temptation. You guys had to risk your lives on a Star Destroyer - just to save my stupid butt. - Come on. Let's move! Oh, hey, Naare. Is that a new cape? [groans] Lookin' beautiful! The hangar's this way. We round that corner, and we're - Toast. Were you gonna say "toast"? - Get 'em, Naa re? Ah, the Rebel has brought a cadre of spies with him. Perhaps we'll squeeze more information out of your friends. We're not spies. We're just a couple of kids trying to make it in the junk business. Seriously, here's our card if you need anything. But, uh, can you scan that and give it back? - Kordi gets mad if I actually give them out. - They're not cheap. - Lies! - Aw! You are traitors and part of the Rebellion. We're not! It's all my fault. This guy came in with the most beautiful ship I'd ever seen, and I just had to fly it. And those jerks in the A-wings wanted to race. The next minute I was in the middle of a battle and I didn't know. Oh, come on. What ship could be so amazing that you wouldn't realize you were in the middle of a space battle? [squeaky voice] That one right there. [mechanical breathing] This is podracing! [music] Out of my way. [stormtroopers grunting] The N-1 Naboo starfighter! An Old Republic classic. Pristine! Still has the chromium undercarriage. - I must fly it. - That's exactly what I said! Phew! I thought we were goners. Wait. We still need that ship! Hey! What are you doing here? Whoa! The Rebels are escaping in an N-1 starfighter. Stop that ship! [agitated chirping] Quiet! Your whining will not go unpunished. Yippee! - [droid language] - TIE fighters? What TIE fighters? Ah. I see them now. You shall pay for your insubordination. Bye-bye. Zander? Do you have any idea what it's gonna cost to fix this? Yeah, a whole lot of money. I mean I'm sorry? [clears throat] Activate the tractor beam! Also, today's lunch is tauntaun loaf. [beeping] That is all. What? No! - Can we please get out of here? - Not until we get that ship. Okay, okay. That's not so bad. I can buff that out. Ew. I can hammer that out. That That might require a brand-new ship. You are so dead. [laughing] We got those Rebels. Face the music, Rebel cur! Uh, Lord Vader. We can explain. What had happened was Ow! [grunting] Now can we get out of here? - The Rebels are escaping. - Oh, no. We're not falling for that again. I got this scrape during the Battle of Christophsis and this dent from the skirmish on Naboo. This scratch I got from falling over some junk back there in the hangar. For the love of the Maker, do you ever shut up? - All you had to do was ask me. - I did 26 chapters ago. - I was right in the middle of a good story. - I want my ship right now! My baby! Look what you've done! - I should have you arrested. - Get in line. I'm sorry, Mr. Cooper, but when I took it for a routine test drive blah, blah, blah it was stolen by an Imperial Sith Lord. Just ask your astromech. [agitated chattering] You irresponsible imbeciles! You will be harvesting Klatooine paddy frogs for the Hutts when I'm through with you! Look, Mr. Cooper, I'm sure there's nothing wrong with the ship that we can't fix. Just take any ship you see here. [mock laughing] Oh, right. I'm gonna be seen flying around in that, or that! I don't even know what that is. [gasps] Hold the holophone! What is this? [gasps] I've never seen one of these! The sleek lines [gasps] Is that the SFS-204 sublight ion engine? That powered the first ship my parents bought me when I was eight! But that's that's my Blazemaker! - My life's work! My pride and joy! - So much the sweeter. Or would you rather I report you to the Empire? Better let him have it. Remember, it's not business, it's personal. Pleasure doing business. All sales are final! ZANDER: Aw, that's not right. All that work, and you let that guy just fly out of here with my [gasps] Oh, that's right. I never fixed the fusion tubes. I'll have to remember that when I build the Blazemaker Mark II! [laughs] You'll be hearing from my lawyer!