The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire


 * Brian: So, they revoked your CPR card, huh?
 * Peter: Yeah. I tell this is worse than when they took my library card for reading while intoxicated.
 * [Peter reading while intoxicated]
 * Peter: Aw, don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain. You'll still have an exciting times. Aw crap.
 * Police Officer: Sir, you know how loud you were reading?
 * Peter: The life of a silversmith's apprentice was not an easy one, ahhh! [Peter crashes into a bookcase]
 * [Back to the present]
 * Peter: I gotta figure out some way to get that card back.
 * Brian: Well, you could always take the class again. I mean, I'm sure they'll give you another card.
 * [Loretta screaming]
 * Brian: Hey, do you hear that?
 * Peter: What?
 * Brian: Sounds like someone's screaming.
 * Peter: Well, what is it boy. What are you trying to say?
 * Brian: It sounds like Loretta is screaming.
 * Peter: Trouble at the old mill.
 * Brian: What, are you insane?
 * Peter: Did somebody fall through the ice?
 * Brian: It's summer.
 * Peter: Bobcat.
 * Brian: [barking]
 * Peter: Loretta's in trouble! Come on boy!
 * [Peter opens the door]
 * Peter: Peter Griffin, temporary suspended CPR...holy crap!
 * Brian: We should go.
 * Peter: Boy, that was embarrassing, huh? Walking in on Loretta and Cleveland having sex.
 * Brian: Uh, Peter, that wasn't uh...
 * Peter: You know, for a large heavyset black guy, Cleveland's got a cute little white ass.
 * Brian: That wasn't Cleveland. It was some white guy.
 * [Inside, Quagmire sits up]
 * Quagmire: What was that?
 * Loretta: Shut up and put some more of that sugar in my bowl.


 * Quagmire: [voiceover] Oh, God, I'm screwed! This is worse than the time I had to fess up to the nation.
 * [cut to Quagmire as Bill Clinton]
 * Quagmire: My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did gigoogity that girl. I geschmoigiddied her geflavaty with my googus, and I am sorry.


 * Cleveland: Loretta, is it true what they're saying? Were you really having carnal relations with another gentleman?
 * Loretta: I'm a woman, Cleveland! I need some passion in my life! I need a real man, and Lord knows that ain't you!
 * Cleveland: Well, I admit after a long day at work, I don't always come home with that "Reuniti on Ice, That's Nice" mentality. And for that, I apologize.
 * Loretta: Apologize?! I cheat on you, and you apologize to me?!! Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic!
 * Cleveland: I disagree, but I respect your condor.
 * Loretta: [pushing Cleveland out the door] Good-bye, Cleveland!
 * Cleveland: I love you.


 * Peter: Cleveland, I think this beautiful woman would like to say something to you.
 * Loretta: You told me this was Lois' intervention!
 * Peter: Nice. Cleveland?
 * Cleveland: Loretta, what you did was unforgivable. This marriage is over.
 * Loretta: Well, that's just fine, Cleveland, 'cause I am through being your wife.
 * Cleveland: Well, I may not be perfect, but I deserve better than you.
 * Peter: Look at that, Lois. As beautiful as an HBO minority fairy tale.


 * Peter: All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothin' will.
 * [He puts on a Quagmire mask]
 * Peter: Hey! Look at me! I'm Quagmire. I had sex with your wife. Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity!
 * [Cleveland laughs]
 * Cleveland: Those are so his mannerisms. [laughs]
 * Brian: Peter, what the hell are you doing?
 * Peter: I'm not Peter. I'm Quagmire. And I'm doin' you, Loretta.
 * [he puts a Loretta mask on Brian]
 * Brian: What the hell?
 * [the two act out Quagmire having sex with Loretta; much to Cleveland's anger; Cleveland growls, grabs the Quagmire mask, and splits it in half]
 * Cleveland: Glenn Quagmire, YOU'RE DEAD!! ["Popeye" theme music begins to play as Cleveland eats a can of spinach Popeye style. Steam proceeds to blow out of Cleveland's ears. Cleveland begins to storm towards the door]
 * Peter: All right, all right, calm down, Cleveland.
 * Cleveland: I'm gonna kill Quagmire! [panting]
 * Peter: Oh God, you're hyperventilating! Chris, get me a bag. [Chris hands Peter a plastic bag]
 * Cleveland: [panting]
 * Peter: Okay, Cleveland, breathe into the bag. It'll calm you down. [Peter places the bag over Cleveland's head]
 * Lois: Peter, I'm not sure that that's... [Cleveland begins grasping for air]
 * Peter: Not now, Lois. Okay, Cl-Cl... Okay, Cl...Cleveland, Cleveland, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax. There you go. There you go. Okay, shh, shh-shh-shh-shh. It's okay, it's okay. It's all gonna be okay. [Cleveland lays on the ground, unconscious]
 * Lois: Peter, you better do your CPR.