Brownsized

My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show. Bowling! Bowling! See, baby? I told you bowling wasn't just for alcoholics and dirtbags. You're right, Mama. And they've got free wind! Excuse me. Do you have little kid balls? Who told you? Oh, bowling balls for kids. Yes, I have those and not the other kind. I can also program the gutter rails. They'll only come up when it's your kid's turn. That way, he'll never throw a gutter ball. Oh, that's great, thanks. You made another kid's day, Carl. Go ahead and take a hundred dollars from the register. Come on, baby! You can do all things in Christ who strengthens you. A'ight. I am good at doing bowling! That was amazing, Rallo! I'm gonna get us some rubb'ry nachos, 'cause you beat me fair and square. Did you see that wink? That's the signal to burn down the senior center. So, Rallo got to go bowling with Donna, and I had to take Junior and Roberta to Fuddruckers. But then it Shut up, shut up, shut up! Sorry, Cleveland. I suddenly couldn't hear one more thing about you and your blended family. What happened to us? Things have gotten predictable. Yeah, the spark is gone. Oh, yeah? Ah, I guess we are predictable. Look at us, several couples of schmoes. Well, maybe things aren't quite as electric as when we were newly-friends, but we can reignite our old spark. We just need to spice things up somehow. Let's have a baby. Are you insane?! You want to bring a child into this?! We have got to fix us! Well, if skydiving doesn't put the spark back in our relationship, nothing will. It's worked on none of The Bachelors! You're too heavy! One of you is gonna have to let go! If you want to get your spark back, you should go to Paris! Il pleure dans mon coeur, comme il pleut sur la ville. Frere Jacques-itch. This isn't working. Are you guys the ones with lasagna? The people's champion is here. But don't look directly at me. Anybody want to smell my glove? Baby, I was so proud of your bowling yesterday. Look, I put your scores up on the fridge, with the cute picture Junior drew. Why has no one asked me about that drawing? Mama, you got pounded by your own son. Like Oedipus's mom, probably. You know, when I get big, I'm gonna buy you a new house and a real wig. What is that, yarn? Ha! Strike, turkey! It's no use. We've tried two things we could think of, Mr. Zimmerman. Doctor. Mm, psychologist. Our relationship has lost its spark. Let me guess: you spend all your time together in a bar. Guy's good. See, male friendships are based on only three things: proximity, chairs and beer. I wrote about it in my book, Beer Me, Sit Near Me, Why Can't You Hear Me? But those friendships only last about three-and-a-half years. And you've been together? Tomorrow will make three-and-a-half years. I'm sorry, but your friendship is over. Now, would you like to pay by check, or by letting me hypnotize you? Full disclosure: things will get weird. Look. The amusement park where we went on our first friend-date. Huh. Funky Junction. Funny we'd pass that now. Sad funny. Like Billy Crystal, but funny. Remember Holt was too short to ride the rocking pirate ship? So I mauled the operator. And then we all got drunk and watched you bang that robot chick from the Country Bear Jug Band. Yeah. Oh, so wrong, but so funny. Like Billy Crystal, but funny. Shame we'll never have a moment like that again. Mommy! Forgive me for not driving defensively! Condemned? How could it fall apart this much in three years? Metaphor. Park is us. Simile. Park is like us. Been taking S. A. T. Prep to meet chicks. I guess this is it, then. Our friendship has died. Like most of the '94 Chargers. He's unstoppable! The crowd wondering how he can even be related to that old leathery bowling bag! Ha! Strike, turkey! Oh, fudge me! Ha! Already got you busting out the kid-friendly swear words. You know what, you got more exes in real life than you do in bowling! Ha! Strike, turkey! Son of a fart! How we coming on that beer?! Too bad those pins aren't wine glasses, huh? You're good at knocking those back. Okay, this ends now. What was that? Reali-tay! Strike, turkey! Drive yourself home. Am I a terrible mother? Roberta, tell me I'm not a terrible mother. Tell me, damn it! Mom, relax. I'm sure Rallo's fine. You didn't see the look on his face when I put down those rails. I'm telling you, the poor kid's whole world crumbled down. Rallo! Baby, I'm sorry I ruined bowling for you. Don't be sorry. Just tell me the truth. What else have you been lying to me about? Nothing, baby, just that. That was a lie, too, wasn't it, Mom? Just like when you said this looks exactly like a tree. This doesn't look exactly like a tree, does it, Mom?! Well, I Answer the question! Well, technically, I suppose real trees don't have faces. But, Rallo, I love it because it came from you. And you know I love you a bazillion times. Is "bazillion" even a number? I'm not sure. I'm sorry, Rallo. From now on, I swear I'm only gonna tell the truth. Your tube top makes you look cheap. Mom! Truth. Oh, yeah?! Well, you-- you're You're perfect! I can't be you! Take us home, Cleveland. It's over. But our entire relationship can't end like this. The rides are still there. How about one last hurrah, so we remember the good times, not the bad times? Like breakup sex. Been there. Actually, had sex, then she broke up with me. Actually, she just broke up with me. Because she was having sex with someone else. So, uh, yeah, breakup sex. Cleveland, it's locked. How would we even get in? Huh. You're useful. When we break up, I'm definitely finding another bear friend. Or maybe an ox. Or a really strong penguin. Oh, penguins are the worst. Don't be fooled by their formal dress. Bunch of slobs. Cheap, misogynist slobs. Paul the Penguin later emptied his bank account, slapped his wife and killed himself. He was my best friend. Rallo, why would you throw away all your art? Even our family portrait. Look, the only reason I haven't been honest with you is, well, you're just not good at anything. No kid is. So you're saying I suck at everything? Aw, baby, don't look at it that way. It's not just you, it's all kids. They all suck at everything. Now, where's my magic umbrella? Thank you, Freddy. Hang on! Every boy and girl you know Is worthless from their head to toe It's like a bedbug mated with an invalid They're frail and weak and short in height Their hands too small, their brains not right It's not your fault you suck, you're just a kid You're as worthless as a recent song by Sting Yes, kids suck at everything So, kids are just useless wastes of space? Now it sounds like you're getting it. But I'm sure you're not. If you're tiny brain remembers just one thing Kids suck at everything. This song does not apply to Asian kids. I found it! Aw, this is so cool. Wandering around an abandoned amusement park just like I've always nightmared about. Look-- the carousel! And it's exactly as much fun as when a carousel moves. Hey, a funhouse mirror. Look at that. Look at what freaks we are. I'm Funky Junction Fred and I love to dance. I got a big ol' head full of mildew and ants. Oh, stop, stop, Cleveland, stop. Oh, seriously you are making me horny. Me, too. Hey, fellas, check it out-- The Rotor. Get on. Let's see if I remember how to do this from my carny days. Welcome to The Rotor, please keep your hands and arms inside the ride at all times-- here we go. Hooray! This is the funnest way to get forced up against a wall. Get ready, the floor's about to drop out. Hey, check it out. Aah! I want to lie on you naked in front of a roaring fire and sexily beckon Donna over, but then she says, "Who knows how many people have done it on that rug?" And I say, "Come on, when's the next time we'll be in Yellowstone?" I want me some of that sweet bonding action. Cannonball! The bros are back. Guys, group picture. Everybody get together. Cheese! Aw, shucks! All right, let's go get our phones. Lester, that's your cue. Jump out and turn this thing off. Oh, boy. I can't see. You guys all got worried looks on your faces, too? - Yep. Uh-huh. Nope, doing my Nicholson. I got to find a way to prove to Mama that I'm not a baby. Well, you could wear a diaper and suck on a pacifier. That's a terrible idea. That would make me appear more like a baby. Okay, okay, how about this? You roll around in the crib, crying for your mommy. Y'all are just screwing with me, aren't you? Yeah, we are, you little baby. I'm starting to worry about Cleveland. He never misses hot dinner night. Hello, Donna. Tim hasn't come home so I thought maybe he was here having sex with you. And Lester was supposed to be home to play "Folds o' Gold," a romantic treasure hunt where I hide doubloons in my body rolls. So, none of them came home? Do you think they might all be together? Maybe with Holt, too? Who knows? I went ahead and got myself started. You need help finding those guys? I'll help-- I can do it. Okay, Rallo, you can be Mama's big boy helper and make some phone calls. Come on, ladies, let's go search for real. If kids sucked at everything, could they track down their fat stepdad? Don't be scared, Rallo-- just listen to some music. The wheels on the bus go round and round Round and round The wheels on the bus go round and round All through town Hey, no one under 18. I'm looking for my stepdad. Oh, okay. Here's your drink tickets. Little man, what you doing here? I'm looking for Cleveland and his idiot friends. I thought maybe they'd be here, 'cause men get sick of looking at the same boobies all the time. I haven't seen him, chief. Did you check the Facebook? Holt's always posting stupid stuff on there and this place got Internet. Fifi, when you're done with that wee-wee, come over here and help Pee Wee with the free wee-fee. Hey, I want some grossness. Well, Holt did friend-request me a year ago. Guess I could add him and unfriend him before he knows. Hey, four hours ago, he posted a photo. Look at that dumb-ass Cleveland dressed as a saloon floozy. They must be at the old-timey photo booth at Funky Junction. Remember how many times I promised to take you there and I didn't? That was fun, right? Can you take me there now? I can drop you off. You got five for gas? Yeah. Let's roll. I can do this all night. My mom used to put me in the dryer. This is all your fault for bringing us here. Oh yeah? Well, you're the one who jumped on the ride like a Don't you say it. crumb bum. Only my people can use that word. Can you move your face a little closer? Uh, guys Aw, gross Aah! My own vomit is the grossest kind. I was wrong. Man, this place looks scary. A'ight, see you later. That man is not a good father. Don't worry, Cleveland, I'm here. - Rallo! - Thank God. Help us! Hi, Rallo, I'm your daddy's friend. Yeah, I know. Get in the control booth and turn the ride off! Damn it. All right, hang on, I'm gonna try something else. What grade are you in now? Stop trying to make conversation. All right, guys, grab onto the rope and I'll pull you up. Aah! None of you are worth this! So, do you have a girlfriend? Donna! I knew you'd come crawling back. I'm looking for Cleveland-- although I doubt he's here. He can see these anytime he wants. He ain't here-- he's at Funky Junction. Cleveland's at the amusement park? How do you know? 'Cause Rallo was here looking for him. I gave him a ride. I hope he found him. You just left him at the park alone? All by himself? That's what "alone" means, you dumb stripper. Y'all need church! Rao, what are you doing up there? I tried to save Cleveland but I screwed up and broke the control switch. It's okay, baby, I know you tried your best. It just wasn't good enough. And do you know why? Because kids suck at every Sing it! 'Cause kids suck At everything. Oh, yeah-- that's my jam. Now, if you were an adult, you would have known to go over and turn the power off. Donna, hurry. There's so much vomit. Oh, hell sparks. It's okay. As an adult, I know the best way to put out an electrical fire is with water. Donna, hurry! Help! Help! Some kid set the park on fire! What is your deal with kids? I'm sorry, Donna, this is all my fault. Except for the fire, which is your fault, and what's probably going to kill us. We're saved. Oh, thank God, it was getting pretty hot in Cleveland. Dumb. So, you broke into an abandoned amusement park, then you, a five-year-old, tried to rescue them, and you set the whole place on fire. To prove a point to my son that kids suck at everything. You all suck at everything. Rescuing people is our job-- we're the heroes. Haven't you seen Denis Leary's award-losing Rescue Me? Heard it's good. No. I meant to check it out. See, the thing about the show is it gets enough right that the stuff it gets wrong Hey, Mr. Fireman, "F U!" Rallo! No, Mama, "F U. " Did you hear what Rallo said? Ooh, gonna get it. Why, you little! You saved our lives. You knew I'd try to beat the crap out of you if you punched me in the old fire extinguisher. You're a hero, kid. A real hero You hear that, Mama? I sure did. Hey, little guy, would you like to ring the bell on my fire truck? Yes. I want to ring the bell, too.