Hemlock, Gin and Juice

(We see different framed pictures of Dora through her life on the wall, and then move to Dora as she sits on a sofa and texts on her cellphone.)

Mrs. Marquez: [unseen] Dora! DORA!

Dora: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-TUH?!

Mrs. Marquez: It's almost time for your quinceañera! I need you to run to the store!

Dora: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, FINE-UH!!!!

(We cut to a marquee that says "Dora the Explorer: Quinceañera Special", and then to Dora in an alcohol aisle at a store.)

Dora: [reads a shopping list] Soda, cookies, horchata... [crumples it up and tosses it aside] BARF! [turns to the audience] Help me out. Which beer has the highest alcohol by volume?

(A computer cursor appears and clicks on the larger bottle.)

Dora: Good choice! [picks it up]

Backpack: Uh, Dora? You're not old enough to buy that!

Dora: No s**t! [puts the bottle inside Backpack's head]

Backpack: Dora, please, no! It's wrong- (Dora stuffs another bottle inside her mouth, which gags her.)

Dora: Now let's complete this transaction! [runs out of the store]

Cashier: Hey, stop that kid!

(Dora stands outside with some tenements in the background.)

Dora: [turns to the audience] I need your help again. I need everyone to shout, "WHERE'S MY MOTHER F***IN' MAP AT?!"

(The computer cursor appears again and clicks on her backpack.)

Dora: AAAAAAAAW, YEAH! [pulls out Map and opens him up] Map, show me where to find my friend Marcus. He's always holding.

Map: I, uh, I don't know, Dora.

(Dora, annoyed, rips a part of him off.)

Map: [screams in pain] Okay, okay! He's at the park on Twelve under the jungle gym!

Dora: [excited] He said he might have some X, too! [crumples him up and tosses him aside while talking to the audience] You can call me "Dora the X-plorer!"

(We cut to Dora's quinceñaera party, and she's wearing a pink and orange dress.)

Dora: [drunk while looking at the audience] Hey, I need your help! [gestures at her friends] Paulo or Maria?

(The computer cursor appears again and clicks on Maria.)

Dora: No argument here! [begins making out with her]

(Paulo and a group of turned-on men gasp and pull out their camera phones and take pictures of the girls making out.)

Swiper: [wearing a zoot suit and lifting up girls' skirts to look under, chuckling] Just call me the "virginity" Swiper.

Dora: [turns to Swiper and waves her hand] Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping!

Girl: [walks past Dora and Maria] You're too late.

(She walks up to Swiper, who jumps into the girl's arms as she walks backwards into the maintenance room.)

Swiper: Oh, man!

(Mr. and Mrs. Marquez are sitting at a table, watching the party.)

Mrs. Marquez: I wish Boots was here to see our little girl become a woman!

Mr. Marquez: Monkeys are cute when they're little, but Boots... he got big.

(We snap to a black and white TV screen with a large van, where an old woman is talking to Boots.)

Old Woman: Oh, hello, Boots!

Boots: [growls and attacks the old woman, killing her]

(Some policemen appear to stop the attack.)

Policeman 1: Get away!

Policeman 2: Get a- Oh, my God! Oh, my-

(The first policeman shoots Boots, killing him.)

(We cut back to Mr. and Mrs. Marquez, and where most of the party guests run out of the building.)

Boy: Oh, my God! Dora's on the roof!

Dora: [standing at the roof's edge, looking at the audience] I bet I can fly. Do you think I can fly? [pauses for a moment, then begins crying] I've NEVER been able to hear you! That's the show's big lie! [proceeds to jump] WOOHOOOOO- [splats on the ground and dies]

(Everyone at the party, including Dora's parents, witnesses her jump.)

Everyone: Ooh! Aww...

Paulo: Ugh, she missed the pool.

(Cue static)


 * Boy: Aw, man. The water main broke. This we t-shirt contest is cancled.
 * Guy: Not so fast. Hey, Kool-Aid!
 * (Kool-Aid arrives)
 * Kool-Aid: Oh, yeah! You kids made a responsible, non-alcoholic choice! Hey! Hey! What are you doing?! Oh [bleep]
 * (They poured it on the girls)
 * Girl 2: Ahh!
 * Girl 1: Kool-Aid stains, you dumb motherfucker!
 * Girl 2: This is my grandmother's t-shirt!

Mayor's Office Knapford Station 8 Hours Later... Knapford Station THE END
 * Narrator: Thomas the Tank Engine was huffing and puffing when suddenly...
 * Thomas: Bust my buffers! This isn't the way to the Whistling Woods.
 * Bank Robber: (Driving Thomas) No it ain't, pal! Unless the Mayor of Sodor gives me a hundred million bucks, we're gonna drive this dynamite right into Knapford Station!
 * Mayor's Aid: Uh, Sir we got a problem.
 * Mayor: Get me Sir Topham Hatt. (Mayor's Aid leaves) And you...(Rosie appears from behind desk) ...You come back later.
 * Rosie: You know my schedule, dear. (Drives away)
 * Sir Topham Hatt: (Percy and James are together with Sir Topham in Percy's interior) Okay, people, this is what we trained for.
 * Percy: I love it
 * Sir Topham Hatt: So immature! Can we all just stay on track?
 * James: So wonderful
 * Sir Topham Hatt: Let's just get this bastard! (Percy's whistle sounds, and James and Percy begin slowly puff away) Move, move, move! (Steam whistle sounds, and James and Percy continue chuffing really slowy)
 * Thomas: (Still hijacked, Percy catches up with him) Hello, Percy!
 * Percy: Hello, Thomas! Wonderful weather for a hijacking, isn't it?
 * Sir Topham Hatt: Shut your steamhole and get closer! (Jumps into Thomas's cab)
 * Percy: I LOVE being really useful! (A penny appears on the rail of the tracks in front of Percy, who accidentally runs over it, which causes him to derail and explode)
 * Bank Robber: (Holding axe) You'll NEVER take me alive, Sir Topham Hatt! (Attacks Topham with axe, misses, and hits Thomas' controls)
 * Thomas: OW!
 * Sir Topham Hatt: Missed me! (Bank Robber attacks again, and hits Thomas again)
 * Thomas: OWW!
 * Sir Topham Hatt: Your blows are harmless! (Bank Robber attacks again, and hits Thomas again)
 * Thomas: My internal organs! (Gets hit twice) OW! JUST FINISH ME, YOU PUSSIES! (Bank Robber punches Topham, causing him to groan and pull down Thomas' throttle, making him go faster)
 * Bank Robber: (On walkie-talkie) Conductor to Skywolf. Request pickup.
 * Harold: (Flying towards Thomas) Copy that, I'm on my way.
 * Thomas: Harold the Helicopter!?! You're a part of this?!!
 * Harold: That's right. I'm tired of taking a back seat to a bunch of steam trains. I can fucking fly! (Thomas and Harold enter a tunnel)
 * Bank Robber: (He and Topham are on the top of Thomas) So long, Topham! (Cackles as he turns toward Harold, who tries to catch the Bank Robber, but fails when tail blade hits a wall, as he falls to the ground, and explodes with the top blade spinning right between the Bank Robber, who screams, and Topham, and Thomas makes it out of the tunnel avoiding a huge explosion)
 * Thomas: (His head hits a sign) OH, what cruel god would give a train a face?!? (Heads for a broken bridge)
 * Sir Topham Hatt: PUMP THOSE PISTONS, YOU STEAM-POWERED SON OF A BITCH! (Thomas obeys, then starts chuffing faster, and jumps over the cliff, but barely makes it by clinging to a rail ending with his mouth while the Bank Robber hangs onto Topham's leg)
 * Bank Robber: Topham! Help me! I'll turn myself in, I swear. Just pull me up!
 * Sir Topham Hatt: End on the line, fuckhead! (Kicks Bank Robber, who screams, while he falls down the cliff to his death)
 * Mayor: (Shakes Topham's hand while crowd applaudes) Thank you, everyone! Knapford Station is safe!
 * Sir Topham Hatt: You're quite welcome, Mr. Mayor!
 * Mayor: And how did you dispose of the dynamite?
 * Sir Topham Hatt: I don't know... (Thomas explodes while in a siding, destroying the station, along with Annie and Clarabel)
 * Rosie: Whew! I got a lot of work to do! TOOT TOOOOT!