Let's Talk About Rex

1 Loudspeaker: Today, you become true Subtopians. Proud members of the Exploration Battalion. Your mission? All: To find new lands beyond the Earth's core! Loudspeaker: And if the surface does exist? All: Then we shall find it! This we swear! Mom, my magno-rods only last for six months. I'll be home soon. [sobbing] Subtopian Navigator: Rex of house Titanium, please respond. - Rex of house [static] - I lost the signal. Status report. Pod: No coordinates found on any Subtopian map. Alert! Alert! Magno-rod failure. Come on! Come on, baby! Please don't call me that. It's condescending. Why did we stop cutting rock? It appears we have run out of rock to cut. It it can't be. The surface. They said it didn't exist, but I found it! [baby babbling] [honking] - Who are you? - I am Rex of house Titanium. You're a hero is what you are! Hero? Don't hate the sound of that. [cheering and applause] Hey, Mister, can I have your autograph [echoing] autograph autograph Clerk: Mister! Mister! - Can I get your autograph? - Wha What? I need your signature for these boner pills. Oh. Right. No, no, no. They're for a friend of mine's penis. - Have you ever taken these before? - Me? No. Of course not. - [over PA] Joel to pharmacy. - No, no, no. The guy in the cape needs a boner pill consult. All right! Shit! Fine! These are my boner pills! I have issues maintaining erections! Christ on a bike! - What kind of [bleep] pen is this? - It's for the touch screen. I'll just pay by check. [all groan] 1x03 - Let's Talk About Rex [theme music plays] [grunts] You want some Cooch? [gasps] Don't get mad get Brad! Oh, that's a damn good price. [citizens screaming] Bow! Bow before Blazar! I thought I told you never to come back to this planet! That was a long time ago, Rex. To be honest, I thought you'd be dead by now. And I thought you'd have outgrown space bicycles. You get a paper route or something? [screams] [grunts] Where is your precious League of Freedom? Did they tire of changing your diapers? - No! - "Boner pills. " [laughs] Oh, for Christ's sake! They wrote it on the bag? [screams] Time has devoured your youth and spit it at your feet. Try saying that with a laser bike in your mouth! [grunts] [cracking] [groans] - What's wrong? - Nothing. Looks like you threw out your back. - Looks can be deceiving. - Well are you gonna throw that? - Well, I was, but I changed my mind. - So what's the plan now? Who needs a plan? I am happy right here. Well, um I'm taking my bike back then. You do what you want. I really don't care. [groans] You are fortunate euthanasia is forbidden by my people. You're fortunate that my people - are super cool with whatever! [groans] - Okay I guess I'm just driving off then? - Unless - Yeah. No, I'm good. Remember my mercy, Rex for whatever time you have left! [laughs] [groans] - Smash him in the chest! - He's fading! [grunts] Hit him harder! Take this, you dead-eyed freak! [grunts] Maybe I wasn't clear about what CPR training is exactly. That's short for capoeira, right? Come at me, boy! Ooh oh, oh. Do we get a certificate or something? Cooch: I think I'm getting it, guys! [yowls] - Good workout, people! - Ugh. I'm starving. Me too, but that's 'cause I'm in heat! Cooch needs some D-I-K. Who wants to help a sister out? Ranger? Saturn? I I'm sorry, I don't believe in sex outside of marriage or inside of cats. Sorry, Cooch. Only thing I'm about to ravage is the second half of a killer burrito I bought last night. Uh, I'm available. I don't think so, sad eyes. I know your type. One taste of this and you'll fall in love. Now where's that CPR dummy? Oh, yeah! Where you goin'? Uh-uh. Oh, man! You sit here! You take it! Come on! Let me ride that! Wait till you losers catch a whiff of the most exclusive burrito on the planet. I was tracking the food truck for over three years. They only sell one per household. You don't buy these things! You adopt them! I named her Regina. Please no flash photography. What?! She's gone! Which one of you monsters ate Regina? [groans] Well, you missed capoeira class, Rex. Sorry. I was blind-sided by Blazar at the pharmacy. You took him on yourself? - Yeah. - At your age? Yes, at my age. I am a meta-human from the depths of Subtopia. I can handle No, no, no! No, don't! Don't Don't touch my back. - You need pain meds? - He doesn't need pain meds! Thank you, Ranger. He needs a bucket list! Pack your bags, Rex. We're going to the Grand Canyon. Rex, have you recovered from your humiliating back injury? - You saw that? - Of course. As did the rest of the world. [click] A sad scene in Storm City today as once powerful and now decrepit Titanium Rex failed to subdue the notorious alien supervillain known as Blazar. Ooh! Looks like Rex has a sub-par lumbar! Which begs the question, is Titanium Rex too old for the hero game and should he retire? That's actually two questions, Kip. Hey, everybody, the weatherman can count! You know what? [bleep] you, Kip! It's time to stop ignoring the elephant in the room. Can't you guys see that the most important member of our team is staring mortality in the face? I agree. This bears further discussion. - Meet in my room in ten. - So ten minutes Just enough time to, mmm, I don't know, - work in a quick bone? - Good point! - What you packin', Jewbot? - Oh oh, please stop. Give me a chance! I'll take you to Pound Town. Jewbot: What are you doing? Don't touch me there. [Cooch meows] Oh, you're here. Let's get started. On this wall I have every suspect in the house. Call it a web of justice and I'm the spider. No one cares about your Mexico sandwich! Is Michael Bolton a suspect? That was already there. No apologies. We need to discuss whether Rex is too old to lead this team! I'll be going over your rooms with this black light for clues. What is all that? [yelps] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! This jizzn't what it it isn't what it looks like! Our leadership is in question! Stay focused, guys! Aah! Turn off! Your aging body is finding it harder to compensate for your strength, Rex. You've slipped a disc. I don't understand. I usually heal within seconds. Your Subtopian body acts as a battery, storing the energy from Earth's magnetic core. But you've been away from Subtopia for decades. - Perhaps if you return - Not possible. That would be a one-way trip. No, no, no. I I've still got enough power to lead this team. I am not giving up just because Blazar said I'm too old. Don't forget about the government, the media, and the general public. [sighs] I've got to change my image. Perhaps I can help. I'm creating an algorithm based on current trends in youth culture, distilling cool down to an equation whereas Rex equals X. Oh, no, no, no. That sounds like pandering. I'd rather die. Ow! Ow! I was joking, goddamn it! Oh. Funny! We can't run from this question any longer! Is Rex too old to lead this team? Come on, people! We're all adults! Just say what's on your mind! - Brownie bites! - Cooch's boobs! - Tiny cars! - Cooch's boobs! - Mountain Dew Code Red! - What's on your minds about Rex? - Uh, what do you think, Ranger? - I want to hear what you think. Well, maybe we want to hear what you think! I see there's only one way to handle this - by secret ballot. - Komodo dragons! Titanium Rex: What the hell are we doing here, Jewbot? This show appeals to a young demographic. Trust the process. All right, welcome back to the show, everyone. In just a bit, my boy, Tobey Maguire and I are gonna dress up like MC Hammer and give each other compliments! So great! But first, help me welcome long time leader of the League of Freedom, Titanium Rex, everyone! [laughs] Titanium Rex! So great! Skiminny Scanlon! My man! - Oh-wah! - So great. All right! I'm really digging your your Chris Gaines impression. I'll do my Adam Sandler! Yeah! Doopa dee de doopa de de shut up! [laughs] This isn't an impression, J-Scal. This is the new Rex just kanking it up on the 'ol shunk as the kids will be saying in three to six months. Well, that that's that's so great. Now we all saw your fight with Blazar in the news. We thought we'd have a little fun with the clip. [electronic music playing] Looks can be deceiving. You do what you want. I really don't care. Laser! [music] Laser! Laser bike! Laser! Laser bike! [audience chatters] [laughs] - That is great. - So how's your back feeling now? Well, why don't you tell me? [grunts] - How many of you like that? - Jimmy: Whoa! Okay! This is googly great. T-Rex style, baby! He needs to get off that couch now! - This is a goddamn embarrassment. - Damn, I need some dick. Not from you. And we're back! Rex and I are both inexplicably dressed like Tina Turner and we're about to play some beer pong! You're going down, Johnny. Kind of like how you took Blazar down? [audience groans] Oh No, no, no, no, no. Okay, let let's just say that that fight isn't over. - Is that a message for Blazar? - No, but this is. - Hey, Blazar - Rex, camera two. Hey Blazar, you ran away before I could give you a kanking in the shunk. You scared, chicken head? [clucks] Blazar! Now let's do this. [heaving] [audience gasps] [show theme music plays] Well, we can't unsee that. We might as well get this over with. If you think Rex is too old to be your leader, let your voice be heard in secret. Everyone's votes in? [sighs] Well, now we'll know the truth. Speaking of truth and knowing it, there's still the matter of my burrito. - What's that? - Surveillance video from the kitchen. Yeah, that's the sound of the culprit shitting his or her pants. Before I give it a watch, I thought I'd give you one last chance to do the right thing. Confess and all is forgiven. Very well. Listen and listen good. I swear on my fortune, my life, and my Bolton poster that whoever is on this video eating my burrito is going to get a Saturn ring right up the butthole. Computer, play footage! Oh, I ate it in my sleep. I guess I have been hitting the Ambien pretty hard. What time should we tell your butthole to expect a Saturn ring? - No harm no foul? - You swore on your fortune, Saturn! Dear God! Let's do 10:00. 10:00 AM work? I thought it went really well until you asphyxiated Johnny Scanlon with a ping pong ball. Well, it's not like he died! It's just a coma. Talk about a non-story. In our top story, Titanium Rex's already shaky image was whacked by a bizarre performance on late night TV. Gotta say, I am digging that flavor saver! - Said no one. Ever. - This is my time, Jim! It's my time! Shut your gob! [beep] Oh, who cares what those idiots think? As long as my team believes I'm an effective leader, then what Oh? What is that? [gasps] Oh, God. Titanium Rex on TV: Hey Blazar, you ran away before I could give you a kanking in the shunk. You scared, chicken head? [clucks] - Blazar! - You mother [bleep]! Rex! All right, it's gonna go off the house, against the statue, then the trash can, and bullseye! Nothin' but butt! Nothin' but butt? That was my nickname in college. Move it along, Saturn! We're almost out of popcorn! All right, on the count of 500 - Brad: Come on! - I'm doing it! I never knew this part of the mansion existed. Jewbot, I I told you to stay upstairs. The Subtopian pod that brought you to Earth's surface? What are you doing, Rex? My team doesn't believe in me. What do I have left? Maybe I never belonged here. I'm going home. But you said that was a one-way trip. [gasps] Be gentle, sweet ring. I know how hard this is for you, but I need you to be strong. Uh, not too strong though or you'll destroy my butthole. [grunts] [screams] Holy mother of Guadalupe! [laughter] Oh! It's up there pretty good! Is there blood? Blazar: Where is Rex? I would present him with a gift of death. Holy smokes! It's Blazar! Okay, starting her up. [engine stalls] Come on. [engine starts] There's my baby. Pod: That's great. Still objectifying me, I see. What is this, Rex? That's a magno-rod, a compressed unit of the Earth's core. They power all Subtopian technology. There's just enough energy left to get me there. But surely you can refuel and come back. Many Subtopians tried to get to the surface before me. They all died in the shifting plates of the mantle. Getting here was one in a million. I want to give you something to remember me by. Do I have time to run upstairs? I've really gotta go. Oh. Okay. I guess Your arm? Are you sure? Uh, yeah. No, no, you take it. - You're sure? - Yeah. Yeah. It's It's fine. You're a good man, Jewbot. You take care. He called me a man Giving away my arm was probably a bit much. Where is your pathetic leader? He dared summon me like some emissary! I am Blazar! We all know your stupid name Bluezam. - Blazar! - Well, what'd I say? Oh, God! Look, this isn't a great time. I've got a frickin' Saturn ring up my ass! I don't know how to respond to that. - Where the hell is Rex? - I don't know! I didn't travel thousands of lightyears to face off against his sloppy seconds! Thousands of lightyears? I'm gonna have to ask to see your green card! [screams, grunts] [grunts] You leave me no choice but to kill you all. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is it cool if we reschedule on account of by butt injury? [screams] Rex! Preparing to enter the inner core. There won't be any turning back from there. You're making the right choice, Rex. Now entering inner core. I spot him! Trying to escape, Rex? This is a defenseless old woman, you maniac! - Honest mistake. - Bullshit! Run, Rex I mean, ma'am! Jewbot, where's your arm? It's with Rex. He's gone home. He's in the mansion? Go get him! No home. Are you pointing to your dick? He went back to Subtopia. He left us? Man, that shit's [bleep] up. Your valiant leader sarcasm has left you to die. [both scream] - This feels right, Cooch. - Wrong, Brad! You're an addict and nobody can kick the Cooch! What if I promise I won't get addicted? A promise from an addict? Okay, sure! [yowls] Blazar: You are like ants at a picnic! No one can stop me! Prepare to die. [screams] Rex! You came back! I'm glad we're not in space, Blazar because that way, I can hear you scream! [laughs] 'Ol [bleep] still got it! Hey, any way I can get my arm back? It's still in the pod. Can I grab it later? I guess. You send your underlings to battle while you cower in hiding? Bow before me and perhaps I'll spare their lives. Perhaps I'll spare yours if you kiss my feet. I would, old man, but I don't want to move your balls out of the way. I'm not that old! [vehicle creaking] Titanium Rex: Come on, you bastard You know what? I'm not doing this. I only challenged you to a fight because of pride. I wanted to seem like like I still had it but maybe I don't. And maybe that's okay because I have this team. And that's more important than beating you, Blazar! You win. I bow before you. Oh, Rex! What are you doing? You're embarrassing yourself! [laughs] I'll spare your life today, Rex, for cowardice is a fate worse than death. - Dear God, what are you doing? - That's okay, Rex. - That was embarrassing! - Shut the [bleep] up for a second. Shit, man! What's that? [beeping] Safe travels, dipshit. [beeping] [screams] You know what happens when you get old, Blazar? You get wise! And when you get wise, you get sneaky! [Blazar grunts] And when you get sneaky, you take weaponized magno-rods to little bitches' tricycles! [grunts] - Okay, okay! Jesus! You win! - Now, kiss my feet! Holy shit, man! What happened to Rex? I'm back. That's what happened. Oh, what was that, Blazar? I didn't even say anything! Ah! Another victory for the League of Freedom. Yeah, unless you bet your entire life savings on Blazar to win - which I totally didn't. - Is he gonna stop or what? Kip: A stunning shift in public opinion, as Titanium Rex savagely beat intergalactic power lord Blazar on his front lawn today. Looks like Rex went full Gran Torino on that guy! I wonder if he yelled, "Get off my lawn!" Let's be respectful, Jim. There's a time and a place! Well, that's the last time I ask if Rex is too old to lead the team. And that's the last time I annihilate my rectum with a Saturn ring. Probably. It seems the magnetic energy released by the magno-rod was absorbed by your tissue. Hoo! I feel 20 years younger. Do I look it? Uh Okay, okay. Message received. Rex, with your magno-rod destroyed, you'll never be able to return home. As far as I'm concerned, I am home, Jewbot. I feel as if I've been on a Cool! Hey, still need to get that arm back from you. Yeah, yeah. No, I'll grab it first thing in the morning. Sure. Whenever. Where'd Cooch and Brad go? [moans] [yowls] [moans] - I love you, Cooch. - Goddammit!