Ed's Twice Ex-Wife

(Imitates airplane engine roaring)

Mommy, more milk.

You forgot to say "please."

More milk, please.

You are my favorite customer. Mwah.

More pancakes, please.

My life is so hard.

Wait. Hold on to that story.

Kristin is gonna want to hear this when she gets off of her hands and knees.

So I'm trying on bathing suits for my trip to Cancun, and it's torture.

Like, every single suit looks amazing on me.

Wow. How do you bounce back from that?

Morning.

Ah, Boyd, look at that.

A woman working while you're sitting in a chair.

I wish I could tell you it's always gonna be like this, but...

Hey, Mom, Dad, I need $2,000 for my trip to Cancun.

Oh!

As luck would have it, I have a crisp $2,000 bill right here.

Really?

No!

Oh. Honey, don't listen to your dad. We'll give you the money.

You will?

No. (Laughs)

(Laughs)

We talked about this. You want to go to Cancun, hang out with your friends and the drug cartels, you gotta figure out how to get the money yourself.

That's not fair. You guys gave all that money to Kristin when she was a senior.

To have my baby.

You had your fun. Let me have mine.

It's too bad there isn't a way that you could get up before noon, go to a place of business, do a task, and get compensated for it.

Ooh. I have one of those.

It's called a job.

Job.

Hey, Kris, weren't you saying you guys were looking for a new waitress... (Mouths words) at the diner?

No, definitely not.

I think I'd make a great waitress.

I could even make that uniform look good.

No, it's not your fault.

It's a very high degree of difficulty.

Okay, but just so you know, this place will suck the life and hope out of your very soul.

But there's a cute fry cook.

Cute fry cook. I'm in. (Giggles)

This is gonna be awesome--

Mandy listening to what other people say, balancing plates, and trying to make change. (Chuckles)

Mandy, I don't think this is such a good idea.

Honey, we'll give you the money for Cancun.

Right. You have plenty of time to work.

Yeah.

Really?

No. (Laughs)

No. (Laughs)

(Stomps foot)

(Clink)

Book her? You brought her.

Good morning, sirs.

Hey, Kyle.

What are you doing, Kyle?

One of your ex-wives came in this morning and tried to get into your office, but I stopped her.

Ex-wife? Which one?

She said, "one and three."

Wanda.

That explains all the flying monkeys out front.

Thanks for stopping her, Kyle.

Yeah.

Thanks.

I thought you stopped her.

I did, but then she said I was cute.

And I'm not used to people being nice to me around here.

Hello, handsome.

(Chuckles) Stop. I'm blushing.

She was talking to me, you idiot.

Well, to what do I owe this unpleasure?

Just checking on our business.

I am still a silent partner.

Silent but deadly.

Gentlemen, could I have a moment in private with my ex?

Sure.

Be right outside, Ed.

Keep her by the window. If things get ugly, I can squeeze off a shot from my office.

So... thanks for stopping by, Wanda, I'm sure you have some children waiting for you in your little gingerbread house in the woods, ah?

(Laughs)

Ed, I have missed that caustic wit. Mm.

Ooh.

What are you doing?

Just checking to see if you stuck a knife in my back.

You throw one knife in seven nonconsecutive years of marriage-- it's not the throwing. It's where it landed.

What do you want?

I'm here about that vineyard you bought in California two weeks before our divorce, which you neglected to list among your assets.

I want my half.

Who told you about that vineyard?

Well, I didn't know for sure until you just confirmed it.

So thank you. My lawyer will be in touch.

You bloodsucking vampire.

I can't believe I cheated on my second wife with you.

She deserved better.

Oh, please.

She called to thank me for giving her the night off.

See you later, cutie.

Okay, that time, I know she was talking to me.

Somebody told Wanda about my vineyard.

You were right, Mike, when you told me I shouldn't brag about it.

No. No. No. No. What is said is, "Your wine is nothing to brag about."

I didn't know that that vineyard was a secret.

I just told a few of my dearest friends that time...

Mm-hmm.

And one of them is a filthy sewer rat.

Yeah. Well, all you gotta do is figure out who knew about the vineyard and who's been talking to Wanda.

When I catch that rat, I'm gonna poison him.

You might try one of your cabernets.

(Mike) Hey, baby. (Vanessa) Hey, hon.

How was your day at work?

Uh, it was, well, just boring geology stuff.

I'm testing a new gamma ray spectroscopy tool on some samples from the Niobrara Shale.

(Clicks tongue)

Good.

Sometimes a "Just fine. How was your day?"

Would work for me.

I had a weird day, 'cause Ed's ex, Wanda, showed up.

Uh-huh.

Are you still in contact with Wanda?

Uh, yeah, yeah. We had lunch a while back.

What's a while back?

Wednesday.

So you're the filthy sewer rat.

Wow. Our pet names have taken a left turn.

Did you tell her about Ed's vineyard?

Uh, yeah, yeah. We were having wine. It was on topic.

So you're pounding down wines at lunch?

Not pounding.

Then you go back to the office and shoot stuff with gamma rays?

I'm pretty sure that's how they created The Hulk.

Look, Wanda and I have lunch occasionally.

What--what's the problem?

Because now that she knows about the vineyard, she's squeezing Ed's grapes for more money.

She's entitled to half of it.

She did share part of her life with Ed.

I shared part of my life with a guy in line at the DMV.

What do I owe him?

I-I think what she's asking for is fair.

No, what it is is extortion.

You know what? I didn't make up the rules.

Well, your kind did.

My kind?

Yeah, your kind.

You think men invented this stupid system?

Mike, she put her career on hold for him.

She was a boat model. She pointed out trolling motors.

Yeah, and she gave it up because of Ed.

She gave it up 'cause of gravity.

Oh, God.

Right.

Why are you friends with her anyway?

We got Ed in the divorce.

No. No. No. No. You got Ed. I got Wanda.

That's not how it works.

When friends of ours get divorced, we gotta pick a side.

Oh, and who made up that rule? Your kind?

Yeah, because it makes sense.

Oh.

The Fullers got divorced. Who'd we get? Rob, right?

The Bedfords got divorced, "Adios, Albert."

You know, this is disrespectful to Ed.

Why do I have to be loyal to Ed?

Because I work with him.

He's my good friend. You gotta have his back on this.

All right, so what if I don't? What, are you gonna divorce me and give me half your stuff?

Oh!

Huh? Well, all right!

Look at this. Toxic Wanda's poison glides itself into our life.

We never fight. Talking about divorce?

I don't want you seeing her any more, especially if you're getting all ginned up at lunch.

Oh, really? Oh. (Scoffs)

Are you seriously telling me who I can hang out with?

I'm saying who you can't hang out with...

Oh.

Wanda, Ann Fuller, and Albert.

(Scoffs) Oh.

Mandy, you have customers waiting.

Nobody cares what you look like.

That's not the feedback I've been getting.

I don't you to be perfect on the first day, but you make me look bad when you screw up.

Oh, man. She screwed up already, and I missed it?

Can you get her to do it again?

Oh, never mind. She'll do it again.

Are you just here to make fun of me?

Hells, yeah, but I also want a burger.

Can you remember that? Burger.

Let me guess. Four waters and an order of fires to split?

What's your problem, lady?

You're here every day, you never leave a tip, and we had geometry together, Bobby, so don't call me "lady."

Here you go.

You know what? I really like your trucker hat, because I know you're an actual trucker and not just, like, some hipster wearing it ironically.

Well, thanks, darlin'.

Aren't you a breath of fresh air?

(Giggles) Wow. You really get me. (Chuckles)

Enjoy.

Yeah.

Wait. Didn't you order waffles, Ron?

Yep.

This is a tuna melt.

But she smothered it in syrup.

Let me get you something else.

Naw. I don't want to get that nice girl in trouble.

That's fine.

It's not fine.

(Laughs) And you thought I was gonna screw up, huh?

Here's your nachos.

I just had a meeting with Wanda and her lawyer.

They completely screwed me, and then I wrote them a check.

I felt like the world's dumbest prostitute.

Hey, don't beat yourself up. That's what your pimp is for.

That demon woman has really got me rattled.

But you paid her off. You don't have to deal with her again.

Case is closed, Ed.

You know I'm a gentleman, Mike, but that red dress she was wearing--

I keep picturing it on the floor next to my fireplace.

Was she burning in the fireplace?

'Cause that's the only story that makes any sense to me.

You know, seeing Wanda again has awakened a passion in me.

I'm having-- - Ed. Ed. Ed.

I'm having stirrings, Mike.

Unmedicated stirrings.

It shocked the hell out of me.

I thought I was being pickpocketed.

Ed, listen to me. She's toxic for you.

You don't want to get in a relationship with her.

All right.

Go ahead. Then talk me out of it, Mike.

Tell me why I shouldn't fall in love with her again.

She stabbed you.

I had it coming.

I tried to fix her problem instead of just listening.

She didn't cook...

Mm-hmm.

She didn't clean your house, she spent all your money, and... (Laughs)

She stabbed you.

(Exhales deeply)

You're right, Mike.

Yeah.

I'm not gonna pursue her.

You're a true friend, Mike.

I don't know what I'd do without you and Vanessa being so loyal.

Well, I'm there for you. I sure am. I'm there.

You and Vanessa.

Well, I'm there, anyway. It's not--it's--

Ed, hold a second. (Sighs)

Mm-hmm?

Turns out that, uh, Vanessa's the one been talking to Wanda.

They see each other quite a bit.

Vanessa betrayed me?

I thought you got me in the divorce.

This is like a knife in my heart, and thanks to Wanda, I have a pretty good idea what that feels like.

Ed.

(Singsongy) Surprise.

What are you doing here?

I've never been to your office before.

It's, uh, it's not what I pictured for a geologist.

I thought... There'd be more rocks.

Ed, I can't deal with this right now.

I need to talk to you.

I know. I know you're mad at me for spilling the beans to Wanda, but you shouldn't have tried to hide assets from her.

She gave up boat shows for you.

I know. I know.

She was the best pointer in the business.

When she kicked me out, I had no trouble finding the door.

Listen...

You gotta help me get her back.

You want to get back with Wanda?

Being around Wanda has rekindled a fire in me that--that the deepest ocean cannot quench.

Ed, she made you crazy and insanely jealous. Come on.

You beat up the mailman and the pool man and that poor gardener.

Well, that gardener also killed my azaleas.

Vanessa, I'll do better, I swear.

The last time Wanda and I were together, I was a headstrong kid in my 60s.

I've done a lot of growing up since then. (Chuckles)

Look, Vanessa, please.

I know Wanda and I have a turbulent history...

Mm.

But--but we keep circling back into each other's lives.

It was meant to be, like you and Mike.

Wow. It's romantic.

You do sound sincere, Ed.

I am sincere.

And having a gravelly voice doesn't hurt.

Please, will you talk to her for me?

I have to tell you...

Hmm?

I think Wanda wants you back, too.

That's my answer. That's what I wanted to hear.

Mm.

Thank you, Vanessa. Mwah!

Thank--thank you so much.

Oh. (Laughs) I, uh, I brought this for you as a bribe, but I thought I'd give it to you anyway.

Oh, Ed.

Yeah, I...

When I talked to the guy at the rock store.

He said it was the nicest one.

(Voice vibrating)

Oh!

(Normal voice) Oh, Boyd, that feels so good.

You are gonna make a great husband someday.

Do I have to marry a girl?

Depends on which state you live in.

When did Boyd get here?

Five years ago. You have not been paying attention.

Uh, Ryan just dropped him off.

Okay, I made $73 today. Is that good?

How is that even possible? You got half of the orders wrong.

But I got half the orders right. Huh?

(Laughs) See, it's my positive attitude.

Hey, Kris, I think I know why you're not making more tips.

Um, okay, how do I say this without using the word "bitchy"?

Hmm, how do I respond without using the word "strangle"?

(Gasps)

(Singsongy) There's that "Don't tip me" attitude.

It's hard to be oodles of fun when you're exhausted and frustrated and you have gravy stuck in your hair.

God, I hope this is gravy.

I don't know. When I get grumpy, I just think about all the good things in my life, you know, like my trip to Cancun.

Yeah, I can't afford to think about things like vacations and throwing down a hundred bucks on a pair of expensive shoes.

(Laughs)

It's so cute you think that's expensive.

I am saving every penny so that Boyd and I can move into a place of our own.

I'm a mom who still lives with her mom. It's humiliating.

I'm--I'm just not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life.

I know.

Hey, I'll see you at home, huh? (Kisses) Bye.

Uh, hey. I have to work another shift.

Can you take Boyd home with you?

Sure. I'm an awesome waitress.

Pretty sure I'm gonna be great at the whole mommy thing, too.

(Laughs)

Uh, uh, don't forget the kid!

I would've remembered. (Laughs) Come on.

Hey.

Hey. I am so happy you're home early.

I made your favorite dinner.

Something smells great in here.

Well, it's either me or the lasagna.

Well, I love both of those things-- one a little bit more than the other.

Don't feel bad. I've known lasagna a lot longer.

Hmm.

You're in a good mood.

That's right, because I prevented Ed from making a big mistake-- a big ball-busting mistake with gray roots and a boob job.

If we're talking about Wanda, it was a boob reduction.

Another horrible thing she did to Ed.

You know, he actually wanted to get back with her.

Yeah. I know. I know. He came to my office today...

What?

And asked me for my help.

Yeah.

Your office?

Yeah.

After I talked him out of it?

Well...

Boy, what's with that woman?

Just when you think she's out of your life, she pops back up.

It's like shingles.

Or worse, the Clintons.

But you were smart enough not to call her, right?

Well, you know, I wasn't going to, but my God, he was so sincere.

She stabbed him.

Yeah, I thought you told me to be loyal to Ed.

Well, how is this being loyal to Ed?

Well, because I did what he wanted.

When he's with her, he's miserable.

When he's miserable, you know who he takes it out on?

Oh, so your definition of being loyal to Ed is doing what's best for you?

Now you're getting it.

Just ask yourself-- what would Mike want?

(Scoffs) I'll--I'll make a little bracelet for you.

What about what Ed wants? Come on. He wants her.

She wants him. I think they really love each other.

(Doorbell rings) That's not love.

That's combustion. That's drama.

Passion in a relationship is never a good thing.

Passion sounds pretty good to a woman coming in second to a lasagna.

Listen, our relationship is a million times healthier than theirs, right? (Ring)

We're slow and steady, like the tortoise and the hare.

Oh, so I'm a tortoise now?

I'm a hundred-year-old, claw-footed reptile?

Who wins the race.

(Ring)

Aren't you guys gonna get the door?

Yeah, we will, eventually.

We tortoises are notoriously slow.

Ew!

Either they're kissing, or Ed is dying, and she's trying to revive him.

Hi.

Hi.

How are you?

Thanks. We have great news. Wanda and I have reconciled.

In case you couldn't tell by all the frenching.

Listen, now we-- now we--we can't stay.

No, we can't stay.

We're on our way to dinner.

But, Vanessa... (Clears throat)

We want you to have the first bottle from our new vintage.

Yeah.

Oh.

"Edna"?

Yeah, it's a blending of our first names.

Works the same way those grapes were blended to produce that fine syrah there.

It's our way of saying thank you for helping to bring us back together.

Yeah, despite all the obstacles that were thrown in our path.

Now, now, come on now, sweetie.

Mike's heart's in the right place.

Fortunately mine's hangs a little to the left, which is the only reason I'm alive.

He tried to keep us apart, Ed. He called me toxic.

That--that's taken out of context.

Oh, really? What was the context?

He was talking about burning you in a fire.

Okay.

Never mind.

Oh, that's fabulous.

Well, he's a horrible person.

Hey, guys, this is the kind of conversation you want to have in the ride home.

Let's go, Eddie. Come on.

I don't want you socializing with him any more.

You can't tell me who to be friends with.

He is the enemy of love!

What do you mean? (Speaks indistinctly)

(Ed) What do you know about love, you boat model?

(Chuckles)

Now it's coming back to me.

Yeah, you get it now?

Slow and steady--that's what-- that's what wins the race.

Slow and steady.

Mm, that's our style.

Slow and steady, baby.

Yeah. Mmm.

Ew!

There really should be an age limit.

"Ew"? Honey, this is the magic that made you.

Oh, my God.

(Both laugh)

(Kristin) Oh.

(Door closes)

Look who's up four hours past his bedtime.

How many popsicles have you eaten?

Seven!

Go wash your face. Go.

No. Ohh, man.

I hurt all over. I don't know what happened to me.

I do. You worked.

Oh.

And then I came home and I chased that monkey around for hours.

Oh, my God. Where'd he go?

He went to the bathroom.

Oh, God. Where?

(Boyd) Mom! Somebody put the toilet paper in the toilet!

Be right there!

Don't go in after it!

Kristin, your life is horrible.

I don't know how you do it. So here.

Your tips?

Yeah. It's for your apartment fund.

(Sniffles) Uh, I don't-- I don't know what to say.

Say, "Mandy, you are not only beautiful on the outside," but you are also beautiful on the inside."

Say that. Okay?

Mandy...

Yeah.

You are beautiful inside and out.

You kind of butchered it, but I'll take it.

Here. You earned this.

Go to Cancun. Drink cervezas and show off those tatas.

Are you sure?

Come on, Kris. There has to be something I can do to help you.

You can fish that roll of toilet paper out of the toilet.

Just please take the cash.

(Boyd) Mom, I'm flushing, but it's not going down! (Toilet flushing)

I'm going in after it!

Listen, in this divorce of ours, which is never gonna happen...

Okay.

Who would get the Glickmans?

Well, I would get the Glickmans because Jen and I have been best friends since college.

Yeah, but Chris has those Nuggets tickets.

All right, well, you can have the Glickmans.

Yes!

But I get the Schmidts.

I don't care.

They have that excellent wine collection.

What is with you and wine?

Have you tried being married to you?

What about the Millers?

They are all yours.

I don't want 'em.

I thought you liked them.

I thought you liked them.

Aren't we having dinner with them tomorrow night?

(Scoffs) Not any more. We both hate them.

You should call them.

Just call them and tell them we're not gonna be there.

I'm not gonna call them.

They're your friends.

All right, we'll just go.

All right.