M Is for the Many Things She Gave Me

- Hey, Uncle Phil. What's up, man? - Hey. Hey, what you looking at? Just some pictures of me and Janice Robertson from back in the day. Here we are on campus running from the National Guard. Man, she is fine! Tell me about it. And you're sure that Aunt Viv is cool with your ex-girlfriend coming to visit, huh? Oh well, actually, Janice was never officially my girlfriend. Not that I didn't try. Man, oh, man, did I try. Flowers, poems, dinners. I must have sprung for over 50 of them. Well, maybe it would have worked if you had taken her too. Sorry, it was just a little collegiate humor. Oh, God. You know what it's like to really go after a woman and never get her? No. Finally, after two years I realized that Janice wasn't gonna have me, so I settled for Vivian. With Vivian. With Vivian! Sweetheart, that came out wrong. Honey! Honey? Baby. Geoffrey, prepare Mr. Banks' couch. So, what time is Dad's old flame supposed to be here? Carlton, she's not Daddy's old flame. They weren't even intimate. Uncle Phil discussed that with you? No, I heard him say it in the hall after Mom slammed the door in his face. Geoffrey, where's my purple tie? It's in your tie drawer next to the Pringles. Least that's better than the Kit Kat he keep with his drawers. I have the greatest news. You know Al Riggins the talk-show host? - Yeah. Well, he's in a coma and they want me to test as his replacement. My horoscope was right. This is my lucky day. Hilary, aren't you even a little concerned? Oh, I'm plenty concerned. My competition is anchorwoman Mara Lopez. And you know how they favor those minority people. Maybe science can just come get her brain now. Ashley, I need your help in the kitchen. Geoffrey, will you set an extra place at the table. Mr. Banks' friend is bringing her daughter. Aunt Viv, I'm just curious. Would this daughter be more of a playmate for baby Nicky, Ashley, or none of the above? - She's 18. - Good answer. Men. Hey, G, I gotta tell you, man. If this girl is built anything like her mother I might have to check the premises, you know what I'm saying? I might have to go see what the foundation is like, know what I mean? Hold your permit, mister. What makes you think the daughter's gonna opt for you when she can have me? Well, number one, because I don't be saying stuff like "opt. " Number two, because Geoffrey still has to cut up your food. Well, this hundred dollars says that she goes out with me first. Okay, here's 50. And another 50. You're on and may the best man win: Me. Might I get in on this? Sure things don't come along every day. On Master William. Why would you pick him? With all due respect, young sir I've seen you in action with women, and quite frankly, you're an idiot. Fine, I got you both covered. So how do I look? Like a man asking for trouble. Oh, nonsense. Vivian and I had a long talk about this yesterday. She is perfectly secure with Janice's coming to visit. So, what happened to your nose, bro? Oh, this? - This? - Well, l I cut myself shaving. Oh, you were shaving your nose? Okay. Was that before or after you poured that bucket of cologne on your head? You are reading way too much into this, Will. This is just a little dinner with an old friend. Oh, that's her. Mrs. Robertson and her daughter, Wendy. - Damn! - Damn! When my editor decided to do a story on post-earthquake syndrome I jumped at the chance. I haven't seen Philip since the Princeton 10-year reunion. Remember, we took over the registrar's office in '69? Do I? My eyes are still burning from the tear gas. Wendy, your mother looked radiant even in a gas mask. Oh, Phil, please stop. Yes, Phil, please stop. Thank you, Geoffrey. So I'm at an anti-war rally getting ready to burn my draft card and Janice offers me a light. I am so against war. I mean, there's death and destruction and they preempt your favorite programs. I remember during Desert Storm, trying to find Knots Landing Are those prunes? Yes. I have this theory about regularity. Perhaps after dinner we can go for a drive and talk about it in depth. I'm telling you, G, get down for another hundred. I was thinking maybe we could take a walk on the beach find a little club, get our boogie on. Oh, I love to dance. Hey, I can dance better than Will any day. Don't keep her out too late, Will. She's in good hands, Mrs. Robertson. I know she is. I said I'll pay you when I get out! I had a great time, Will. Where'd you learn to dance like that? Oh, the Arthur Murray Dance Studios. - Tango? - Okay. So, what's up for tomorrow? I'm seeing you again, I hope. Who am I to crush a young woman's dreams? Too bad your mom's in there. Oh, we have separate rooms. Well, then, where were we? Will, I like you, but this is going a little too fast for me. For real? Here I thought I was taking it slow, you know? No, no. That That is absolutely, absolutely perfect. - That's fine, that's fine. - Okay. Well, it was fun. You have a good night, and I'll see you tomorrow. - Night, Will. - Good night. Good night, baby. Hey, Mrs. Robertson, how you doing? - Will. - I just dropped Wendy off. Listen, she was begging me to come in. I told her no. I didn't think it was proper. I am sure you're the perfect gentleman. - Yes, ma'am. Hey, good night. - Will. Would you mind sharing your earthquake recollections with me? What, now? Yes, I thought I might as well get started tonight. Sit down. Make yourself comfortable. I'm just gonna go and freshen up. Hey, this is This is a nice room you got here. As far as rooms go. So how would you describe the earthquake? Well, you know, it was kind of like Shaq picked up the pool house and he was shaking it, you know, like them little snow globes. You know, then Then I heard all this crying. Was that baby Nicky? No, no, baby Carlton. He's not the most mature young man, is he? Well, he's kind of like a 10-year-old trapped in a 12-year-old's body. Well, good night. But we've barely scratched the surface. Listen Mrs. Robertson, I have to be honest. I'm I'm, you know not really feeling right about being here with you in, you know that That thing. Is there a problem? Well, yeah, I mean when a woman changes into something more comfortable it usually means she wanna get more comfortable, you know. And frankly, I'm a little uncomfortable with this higher level of comfort. Will, I've put on a couple of pounds, and my dress was too tight. There, you happy? I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I was completely out of line. Listen, my uncle has a fat problem. I should be more sensitive. You are so cute. Would you like to see some pictures of Wendy in Saint-Tropez? What? Oh, yeah, pictures. Yeah, pic Yeah, sure. All right, easy. This is This is nice. This is Oh, this is This is nice. Look how Look how blue this water is. What's wrong? There's a picture right there of you with no bathing suit top on! It's Saint-Tropez. Lots of women go topless. Well, you know what? I'm gonna run down to the lobby, get some of them free brochures, you know. Before A free brochure. Will. You're not going anywhere. Okay. - Will? - Oh, my God! Uncle Phil! - What are you doing sleeping out here? - Vivian thought the couch was too good for me. You just getting in? Just because a guy comes in in the morning wearing the same thing he had on the night before that doesn't mean he slept with anybody. Take it easy, I'm not accusing you of anything. Maybe we parked and watched the sun come up. - All right. - Or maybe we sat in the lobby and we talked all night! People do do that, you know! I said I believe you! Good! Because l I ain't do nothing wrong. Did you get to spend any time with Wendy's mother? No, no, no. They was in two separate rooms, and I wasn't in either one. Before she leaves, try to spend time with her. She has a lot to offer. More than you know. - What? - I said I gotta go. Well, well, well. And where have you been all night, mister? I'm sorry, I only answer to people over 5 feet. You're over 5 feet, aren't you? Oh, boy. That was a lot of fun. I sure love those old movies. Oh, yeah. Cleopatra Jones, the superbad sister. Who do you think would win in a street fight? Cleopatra Jones or Grace Jones? Oh, see, now you're getting philosophical on me now, see. See, now, Cleopatra Jones, see, she got that karate stuff, right? She got some sweet moves on her. Plus, she be packing heat. But Grace Jones, she just scary. - You've really been thinking about this. - Yup. Something else I've been thinking about too. Am I intruding on anything? Hey, Mrs. Robertson, hey. What you doing here? Well, your uncle invited me over for a little backyard barbecue. Yeah, well, yeah. We was about to go get our eat on too. - Come on, Wendy, let's go. - Oh, I love barbecue. Help yourself, honey. There's plenty of food. Stop playing. Well I think I'm gonna go get me some ribs, you know because, you know, my Uncle Phil likes to eat while he cooks and might not be nothing left for nobody else, you know what I'm saying? Well, Will, I didn't expect to see you again so soon. Listen, maybe I fell for you last night. But I ain't never falling for you again. Relax, Will, you think I want my daughter to find out? How would it make me look? Crazy. Boy, Wendy deserves a lot better than Will. When I think how we conned her into going out with him, it makes me sick. At least I had some respect for her. Carlton, you bet 200 dollars on her. Hey, that's a very respectable bet. Well, the secret to a successful cookout is flame control. Remember the last barbecue we were at? We were on the Jersey Shore protesting that toxic dump. Oh, is that why that chicken tasted so funny? We formed a human chain and kept the trucks out. Oh, remember? Of course I remember. You were wearing that calico halter-top. You know, I still have that halter-top. Philip, the fire's getting a little too hot. There, that's better. Vivian, that was extremely childish. Childish? You are the one who is gawking over this woman in our own backyard. She is an old friend. You cannot fault me for being friendly. Saint Bernards are friendly. But even they don't slobber as much as you. Vivian, this is such a beautiful home. You are a very lucky woman. Excuse me, I have to go check on our baby. Something I said? No, Vivian is just a little uncomfortable with our friendship even though I told her nothing ever happened between us. You know, that was one of my biggest regrets. Really? I guess back then I just didn't appreciate the kind of man you are. I would like to take you out to dinner tomorrow. You know, we go back to New York the next day. Oh, well Well, I appreciate that, but Vivian's busy tomorrow night. Well then, how about just the two of us? Oh, no, I don't think so. Well, it'll be more business, you know, than pleasure. You know, I need more insight on my article. - I guess there's no harm in that. - Oh, good. Say 8:00 tomorrow? My hotel? Dinner? Sounds fine. Hey, Uncle Phil, hey. Listen, can l? Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second? Will, I am cooking. Yeah, your goose. Can I see you in the Excuse us, Janice. Uncle Phil, you cannot go to the hotel with that woman. It's just for a little dinner. Yeah, then dessert, the likes of which even you ain't never seen. Can't you see? Uncle Phil. Janice is the one that got away, right? Yeah. Well, she ain't get away from me. What? Uncle Phil, I was dropping Wendy off back at the hotel, right? Then I'm walking down the hall, and Mrs. Robertson comes up and she asking me about the quake, so I'm telling her and then she slips into something more comfortable. Then she grab these pictures, she's showing pictures of San San-something, and then, you know, before I knew it, you know: You slept with Janice! Ashley, go to your room. Oh, I love this! And take Carlton with you. Hey, I'm not going anywhere. You heard what I said. Mother, is this true? No, I can't believe you did this. Oh, and you, Will, how could you? Listen, listen. Now I was I was just I was Earthquake and, you know, and then we And And then Have you ever seen your mother naked? Will, you are just really a class act. - But - Excuse me. Oh, yeah, go blame it on me! Janice, I think you'd better leave. Vivian, this is not as big as you're making it out to be. Maybe not in your little world. Too bad, Philip. We could have had something special. I have something special. Bye, Mrs. Robertson. I have been such a fool. Can you forgive me? I always do, don't I? You don't have to sleep on the chaise lounge tonight. I don't? You can sleep on your couch. And have a talk with this young man, please. Hey, Uncle Phil, man, look. I'm 19 years old, and I'm gonna make some mistakes. Yeah, I'm 45 and I make them too. The secret is to learn from them. Yeah, you right, I learned my lesson. From now on, I'm only dating girls with ugly moms. I'm gonna go lay on my couch. Four, three, two Thank you. Thank you. Today on our show: Women who hate men, and the men who hate them back. Cut it! Great news, Hil. Al has completely recovered from his coma. I guess you're not gonna be needed. Al, Al, Al! Doesn't anybody care about my needs? Do you have any idea how much this outfit cost? And the statute's not up yet on that sexual harassment case. - You wouldn't dare. - Don't think I won't. I'll drag you through the mud. I went through so much to do this! - Think because you got a pretty face - I caught up on everything! you can talk to me like this! - I am perfect! I'm the producer! I suppose you're gonna bring Al up on a sexual harassment suit too. Well, you won't get away with it!