G.I. Jessie

Bertram: No, no, no!

You just have to watch the kids for one measly weekend.

Please?

No! Walking away. Don't follow.

You're following.

Bertram, it's a big deal that my dad invited me home.

He was really mad when I left for New York instead of joining the military.

But just think how glad the military was.

Please. This is my chance to clear the air with him, and prove that I made the right decision.

By being a failed actress and a mediocre nanny?

[Chuckling]

Okay, I may not have joined the military, but I can still snap your windpipe with one finger.

Better that than taking care of those monsters.

Please! They're such good kids.

What could possibly go wrong?

Three!

Two!

One!

Blast off!

[Exploding]

That.

I can't believe we blew up the water tower.

Awesome!

Ravi, you said it would only go up 15 feet!

Oops. It turns out rocket science is as difficult as...

Well, rocket science.

On the plus side, now we have a skylight.

Jessie, we are very sorry.

Please do not send us to our rooms, especially since the structural integrity of the roof has been compromised.

Oh, you're not going to your rooms.

You're going to spend this weekend on a military base.

In Texas!

[Shrieking] No!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ My whole world is changing. Turning around. ♪ ♪ They got me going crazy. Yeah, they're shaking the ground. ♪ ♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town. ♪ ♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie. ♪

[Blowing whistle]

March.

Soldiers: Hut.

[Commanding officer speaking indistinctly]

Soldiers: Hut.

It's so hot, I think my freckles are melting off.

It's like the surface of the sun, but with humidity!

For Texas in August, this is a cold snap.

For great barbecue, it's worth it. [Chuckling]

I'm gonna find the nearest all you-can-eat rib shack, and by the time I'm done, they'll have enough bones to build a dinosaur!

[Growls]

[Screaming]

Jessie, were you not popular here on the base?

The men seem to be fleeing from you.

Just like the men in New York.

They're fleeing from the dang lizard!

[Mrs. Kipling growling]

Well, here's our barracks.

Barracks?

I hope that's military for "ugly building near our hotel".

Well, if you don't like it, you can sleep outside.

Although the state bird of Texas is the vulture, so I wouldn't lie too still.

Why couldn't you be from Hawaii?

Well, you scared her in there, but now you'll never get her out.

We're on a military base.

I have access to tear gas.

After that three-bean burrito on the plane, so do I.

Ooh, I love bunk beds. I call top!

It'll take him all weekend just to get up there.

[Grunts]

I got it. I got it.

I don't got it.

See.

I can't wait for you guys to meet my dad, but please, please behave.

I need him to see that my moving to New York was not...

"The worst mistake since we gave back the Panama Canal!"

We promise. But if you want to convince your father you're doing well, maybe you shouldn't mention your acting career.

Unless he's impressed with a callback for a foot fungus commercial.

[Laughs]

I should have gotten that!

Lousy hammer toes.

[Emma screaming]

Both: Ow!

What is it? A tarantula? Rattler?

One of those giant hairy beetles with the freaky eyes?

Worse! The bathroom has no shelf space for my make-up, no towel warmer, and eight toilets!

With no dividers!

Emma, not everyone in the world has a private bath.

That's a world I don't want to live in.

I can't believe you survived growing up here.

Survived? I loved it.

My mom used to drive me to school in a tank.

She never had to wait in the drop-off line.

You know, you don't talk about your mom much.

What was she like?

Oh, she was the best.

She was sweet, and loving, and we always did fun girl stuff together.

I remember when she bought me my first make-up kit.

I remember when my mom bought me my first make-up company.

When my mom was done putting it on me, she said I looked beautiful.

[Laughs]

But then my dad got worried about boys, and made me wear camouflage.

I looked like a bush with cheekbones.

Stand straight, you miserable maggots!

Oh, did I spit on you, son?

Tough toenails!

Okay, men, fan out. See if you can take me down.

[Grunting]

Dad!

Jessie!

I've really missed you.

I've missed you too, Pumpkin.

Oh, you look great.

So sophisticated.

Thank you. In New York, I buy clothes at a store that doesn't also sell grenades.

I'm sorry, I couldn't pick you up at the airport.

[Grunting]

[Yells]

Work's just really been piling up.

So how'd you know I was here?

Oh, I just followed the line of soldiers heading to the infirmary.

Well, welcome home.

Sure took you long enough to come back to visit.

Well, this is the first time you've asked me back.

I thought you were still mad that I left.

Mad? Why should I be mad?

Just because you snuck off to New York while I was getting my tank detailed?

I didn't sneak. That's sneaking.

[Grunts]

See how much fun this is?

The Army rocks!

I still don't understand why you don't wanna follow in my footsteps.

Your footsteps lead to a minefield.

I wanted to make my own choice.

I gave you plenty of choices!

Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines.

Yeah, don't forget the Coast Guard.

Exactly! There, see? Choices!

Dad, for the last time, I'm artistic and creative.

I'm not cut out to be a soldier.

[Grunting]

Bet that comes in handy on the subway.

You know, the way you flipped that private...

Reminds me of my first date with your mom at the drive-in.

Aw, is it because you were head over heels for her?

Nah, I leaned in for a kiss, and she tossed me into the pick-up truck behind us.

Woke up, I was AWOL in Oklahoma.

Mom was feisty.

That's why I always did the dishes.

Hey, guys, look what I found?

[Gasps]

Whoa. Check out this ATV.

I have got to drive it.

I am sure that is not allowed. Tell him, Emma.

Let's drive it to a five-star resort.

[Laughs] Yes.

Not the prudent, mature response I was looking for.

Besides, we would never get permission.

What's the point of getting permission?

We ask. They say no. We do it anyway.

Might as well cut out the middleman.

So, dad, I'm really looking forward to spending some time with you this weekend.

Me too. Oh, and great news.

Your old friend, Darla, is here.

Friend? She threw me down a well!

Darla Shannon is evil.

When the Devil makes a bad decision, it's because he has Darla on his shoulder!

[Clears throat]

Jessie, you remember Colonel Shannon, my commanding officer.

And Darla's mom.

Sure.

You know, when I said Darla was evil, I meant it as a compliment.

Evil as in "e-ville".

That's what the kids are saying.

And I'm a kid. I mean sort of.

I mean, compared to you. Not that you're old.

Does she have an off switch?

Nope. I just used to crank up the TV.

So, Jessie, last time I saw you, you were doing the backstroke in a well.

Yeah, because your daughter pushed me...

[Clears throat]

To become such a good swimmer.

Oh, yeah. She's a giver. You know, she's a flight attendant now.

And every time she comes home, she brings me little sacks of nuts.

She's quite a gal.

Yes, she is.

Please, she's a squirrel with a beverage cart.

Luke: Yay!

[Kids screaming]

Sweet Stonewall Jackson!

[Screaming] No!

Get this soldier off of me!

Hey, it could've been worse.

He could've been on a horse.

Ugh.

That statue has stood there for 70 years.

Then he's probably happy to take a load off.

So, when I say, "stay in the barracks and unpack".

You hear, "go for a joyride and mow down a monument"?

You have to admit, what we hear is a lot more fun than what you say.

Why are you driving my Battle Attack Transport?

Jessie, are these your kids?

Nope.

Ugh, okay.

Emma, Luke, Ravi, Zuri, this is my dad, Lieutenant Colonel Prescott.

And Colonel Shannon, the post commander.

Oh, can either of you get me a room with a private bath?

Or at least a toilet with a seat?

I'm a Colonel, not a concierge.

I do not deal with potty problems!

Then can we talk about the thread count?

Because single digits is totes unacceptable.

[Barking]

[Hissing]

[Whimpering]

No!

You keep that overgrown iguana away from my Patton!

She is not an iguana!

And it is not my fault that your pet looks like a big, fat, wrinkly rat!

Believe it or not, he's the polite one.

[Music]

So, yesterday you broke the penthouse.

Today, you broke a statue.

What are you planning on breaking tomorrow?

Not sure. We kind of like to play it by ear.

Sorry Jessie, but that B.A.T. was so cool.

It was calling to me.

Well, next time pretend it's me and ignore it.

What'd you say?

Well, I just got the short end of the short rib.

That all-you-can-eat barbecue place is closed down.

They probably heard you were coming.

[Both speaking gibberish mockingly]

Ugh! Is this food or spackle?

Is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble?

Hey, watch it, Mister!

I'm a woman!

That would have been my third guess.

Ugh. There's nothing here that looks good.

Except him!

Excuse me, is this seat taken?

Yeah, I'm saving it for the prettiest girl in the room.

Oh, okay.

Wait.

I meant you.

I'm Caleb.

And I'm...

Uh...

Emma.

Right, Emma.

But you can call me Mrs. Whatever-Your-Last-Name-Is.

Ugh. What is this?

It's juice, from that fruit that grows out on the nuclear test site.

When you pick it, it screams.

[Spits]

Hey, want to sneak back to the kitchen and I'll make us some grilled cheese?

That's my fave!

Especially with...

Both: Tomato.

It's like you can see into my soul.

Yeah, that's a side effect of the nuclear juice.

Ewe.

These mashed potatoes are runnier than my nose.

Zuri, you have to eat something.

No!

No, Zuri, you have to drink these mashed potatoes.

No!

[Laughs]

Jessie?

Jessie Prescott? Is that you?

Aha! I see you're still having trouble with your table manners.

Hey, Darla.

Nice to see you, too.

That's Darla?

She doesn't look like a witch.

Oh, yeah? Throw some water on her and we can send her home in a bucket.

[Both chuckling]

I see you're still baby-sitting.

Mmm.

What happened to that big acting career you were gonna have?

Oh, it's going well. It just takes time.

Talent might help, too.

Meanwhile, I've been traveling all over the world as a flight attendant.

Really? Because I heard you're on the Galveston to Amarillo run.

I'm just glad I don't have a job where I have to run around waiting on people.

Jessie, I need milk!

Jessie, take my tray!

Jessie, my nose is still running!

Well, at least they are calling you.

Unlike all the boys in high school.

Hey, that's my lady you're talking to.

You finally did catch a man.

Mm hm.

But this one is so small, you might want to throw him back.

[Snoring]

Aw.

[Playing fanfare]

[All screaming]

[Spitting]

Do you have a snooze button?

Because I'd slap it silly!

It's 5:00 A.M.

There better be presents under a tree, or things are going to get ugly!

Uglier.

Welcome to my world.

On an Army base, we do morning calisthenics.

Because, when in Rome...

When in Rome, I go shopping, not exercising!

The only thing that sweats is my credit card.

Listen, I want to show my dad that even though I didn't join the Army, I'm still a good leader.

So your plan to look good in front of your father is for me to show off my athletic prowess?

Last week he dislocated his shoulder lifting a glass of milk.

[Cracking]

Good point. Ravi, stay in the back.

Ewe, ewe, ewe.

The grass is all wet!

[Coughs]

And worse, I think this is where Patton "dropped off the troops".

Guys, it's not that hard!

I think I just swallowed a slug.

[Luke snoring]

Jessie, is your squad asleep?

No! No. No. They're just, uh, taking cover.

You know, in case of enemy attack.

Good work, soldiers!

[Grumbling]

I heard you were bickering with Darla yesterday.

Can't you try to get along with my commanding officer's daughter?

Darla threw me down a well!

What do you want me to do, kiss her?

Just try to get along with Darla, please?

You owe me. Especially after your kids destroyed that expensive statue.

Can't they just write you a check? They're loaded.

Yeah, they are loaded and weak.

They are not weak.

Jessie, I believe I aggravated my old milk-lifting injury.

What part of "stay in the back" do you not understand?

♪Gorgonzola, mozzarella.

♪Cheese makes me a happy fella.

Ah!

What are you doing in my kitchen?

Making food that actually has some flavor.

Not everything should taste like brown.

Hey, that was hurtful.

But not as hurtful as this.

Ow! You just purpled my nurple!

Serves you right for criticizing my cuisine.

I'd like to see you do better.

Challenge accepted. Pass me a colander.

[Clattering]

Here.

Ugh! Urgh!

This explains why your pasta had dandruff.

Oh, actually, that was me.

What am I supposed to do, wear a hairnet?

Yes!

♪ I don't know but I've been told...

Kids:♪Exercise is getting old!

Good rhyme, bad attitude.

I thought you were gonna stop.

I thought you were gonna stop.

Aw, we both thought the same thing!

And now we have matching forehead bumps!

Emma, what are you doing with Darla's brother?

Watching his eyes sparkle in the sunlight.

See, it's happening right now.

And now! And now!

Caleb!

[Patton whimpers]

Stay away from them! You don't want to be seen with these weaklings.

Who you calling weak? You should see this one tear through the Mall on Black Friday.

I sharpen my nails with diamonds the night before.

I love a girl who fights for what she wants.

I'd shop for you in the hunks department.

Darla and Jessie: Knock it off!

Caleb and Emma: Why?

Because the Prescotts and the Shannons are sworn enemies.

But I'm not a Prescott or a Shannon!

Oh, there's a babysitting clause in the feud. It's complicated.

But trust me, you're covered.

But I really like Caleb.

Well, tough. You can't go against the feud.

Ha! Which has gone back for years and years, all the way to the 20th century.

I don't even know why our families are fighting.

It all started when our Grandpappy Shannon loaned Old Man Prescott a corn picker, and he returned it broken.

It was already broken!

Your grandpappy lied to try to get a new corn picker.

That's why they called him Shifty Shannon.

But that's all ancient history.

No one even remembers the 20th century!

Well, I do remember when Jessie borrowed and broke my Queasy Bake Oven.

It was already broken!

Typical Prescott.

Well, Caleb and I don't care about your shifty grandpappys and their queasy corn pickers!

Then you're no Prescott!

Correct! Despite whatever paperwork you have to the contrary!

[Growls]

[Whimpering]

[Romantic music playing]

[Whipping]

[Record scratching]

See? Even Mrs. Kipling's tiny lizard brain understands the feud!

Sorry.

Caleb, stay away from Emma, okay?

Like all us cool kids stayed away from Jessie in high school.

[Smirks]

Come on.

Like I wanted to hang out with you anyway!

In the jerk lounge.

Because you're a jerk.

Jessie!

I can't believe you said that!

I know. I should have gone with "loser lounge".

I mean, I can't believe you just insulted her.

I can't believe you and Darla are ruining my life.

Okay, she didn't break it down, but it's like 95% Darla.

I specifically told you to get along with Darla.

And once again, you can't follow a simple order.

You're my dad, not my Drill Sergeant.

You can't order me around anymore.

I'm an adult.

Oh, really?

Because you're sure acting like a child.

Nuh-uh! She started it!

I rest my case.

You know, I was really hoping we wouldn't argue this weekend, but instead, we're right back where we left off.

This visit's turning out to be pretty disappointing.

[Music]

I never saw anyone coming back for seconds of your gruel.

Ugh! I don't get it.

What does your food have that mine doesn't?

Hmm... flavor, texture, fewer fingernails.

I need three gallons of Neapolitan and a weapons-grade spoon.

Sorry, tonight's dessert is mini fruit compotes.

That'll do.

You're not gonna believe what's going on.

I'm not gonna care either. I'm busy.

I came back here to smooth things over with my dad but, all he seems to care about is if I connect with Darla.

When all I wanna do is connect her face to a hornets' nest.

No! I'm not actually gonna do it.

It wouldn't be fair to the hornets.

I meant no, don't drown my chicken in sauce!

Drizzle it!

Oh, you mean like this?

Hey, you spilled that on my fake designer shoes!

You owe me 20 bucks. Plus shipping!

Does this one ever stop yakking about her problems?

No. Just wait till she starts in about her ex-boyfriends.

[Sarcastically] She's single? I'm shocked.

[Both laughing]

Thanks for the sympathy.

Hey, take it easy. I only made 3,000 of those.

Hey!

[Gasps]

[Groans]

Caleb, I am so sorry.

Did I hurt you?

Oh, no, I'm fine.

The uh...

Thorns broke my fall.

Aw, they're beautiful.

I love...

Stems.

Did Jessie teach you that move for self-defense?

No, to get to the front row of a One Direction concert.

Yeah, sorry I'm late.

I had to sneak past Darla.

We don't have long, because every hour she finds me and serves me a beverage.

And offers me a tiny, useless pillow.

It's not fair that we have to sneak around because of their stupid feud.

I know. It's like we're the original star-crossed lovers.

Bella and Edward?

No.

Romeo and Juliet.

"'Tis but my name that is my enemy".

"That which we call a Ross"...

"By any other name, would smell as sweet".

Roses are red violets are blue...

You talk pretty. Me likey you, too.

[Mrs. Kipling growling]

[Patton whining]

Looks like he's finally winning her over.

Girls love uniforms.

I haven't been this bored since Ravi told us about his summer at math camp.

We got to play Capture the Fraction!

Look, the B.A.T.

Well, clearly, faith has brought this to us.

No, no. It was that soldier.

Guys, Jessie has specifically told us not to drive the B.A.T.

I don't remember that.

She wrote it on your arm!

Oh, yeah. But I'm sure she didn't really mean it.

[Scoffs]

Doesn't count, she knows I don't read.

Plus, you could've taken a bath.

[All laughing]

Let the record state, I'm reluctantly succumbing to vicious peer pressure.

We don't care if you come or not.

Quit twisting my arm!

Wow! This thing even has a microwave oven.

Where?

Right here, next to the toaster!

That is our tax dollars hard at work.

Zuri, help me find popcorn.

Ravi, keep a lookout.

I strongly suggest we refrain from touching anything.

Luke: That goop is sticking her to the wall!

[Spits]

Did you not hear the word "refrain"?

I heard it, I just don't know what it means.

Jessie: Darla?

I told you guys not to go near that thing.

No, you said not to drive it.

Exhibit A!

Prescott: Jessie!

Oh, my stars and stripes!

Dar-Dar, is that you?

Yes, mommy! Look what they did to me!

Oh, dear. You look like one of those hideous aliens from area 51.

[Gasps]

Which completely does not exist.

And if any of you dare to mention this conversation, there will be a probing in your future.

Dad, I know what you're thinking.

But anytime there's trouble, Darla is the one who starts it.

So did she start this?

Okay, maybe this time is a bad example.

I asked you to try to get along with Darla, but instead, you attack her with experimental weaponry?

Why do you care so much if I get along with Darla?

After this trip, I'll never have to see her again!

Oh, yes you will, because you and Darla are going to be sisters.

What?

Shannon: That's right, girls.

My armored heart has been captured by this uniformed yum-yum.

Ewe! Ewe!

So we wanted you girls to become friends before we told you, but now we're out of time.

Our wedding is tomorrow.

Tomorrow? As in, the day after today?

Yes, if I can wait that long.

The only man I've had in my life in the last 10 years is Uncle Sam.

And now, I want you!

Wait, wait, wait. So that's why you invited me to come home?

Yes, and I invited you, not these little threats to national security.

Now get out of my B.A.T. I had the seat just where I liked it.

We are extremely sorry, Sir.

Even though I did not do anything, and it was all Luke's fault.

Okay, that one is on me.

By the way, for the wedding, could you put me down for a Vegetarian meal?

I can't believe my dad is getting remarried to Darla's mom.

Darla is a total... [mixer whirring]

[Inaudible]

[Mixer turns off]

And my dad knows how I feel, but clearly he doesn't give a...

[Mixer whirring]

Bertram, I feel like you don't care about my problems.

What makes you say that?

There's nothing in that blender.

Listen! The rehearsal brunch is today.

They're getting married tonight, and my whole world is falling apart!

Ooh, so, there's gonna be a brunch?

You're missing the point.

There's going to be a wedding!

Ooh, so there's gonna be cake!

Well, I better bake it instead of Corporal Cookie.

Or even the little bride and groom on top of the cake will hurl.

[Laughing]

Hey!

[Both exclaim in shock]

No one is baking the wedding cake of my officers except me.

Well, get ready for a dishonorable discharge.

Which everybody's gonna have, if you make it.

[Laughs]

You know what?

You make your cake, I'll make mine, and we'll see who gets the last laugh.

Besides your barber.

Have I mentioned Darla and I have to wear matching bridesmaid dresses?

We'll look like a couple of... [mixer whirring]

[Inaudible]

Emma, to celebrate the end of the feud, I drew a picture of us together.

See, the Pegasus represents our love...

Which has lifted us above all the obstacles in our path.

Aw, that is so deep.

Who are these two people?

That's you and me.

Oh, thank goodness. I was afraid it was you and Blake Lively.

So then the trapezoid said to the triangle...

"Quit being obtuse!" [Laughing]

You're the reason the Math Club meets in the boiler room.

Hey, let's go find that B.A.T.

No! Jessie forbade it, and I will not leave this place no matter what.

[Feedback crackling] Okay, everybody, time for speeches.

Wait for me!

I just want to thank you all for coming to our rehearsal brunch.

Even though you had no choice, because it was an order. [Laughing]

I just want to say that I cannot wait for this officer to stop acting like a gentleman.

Okay, J.W., it's your turn.

Oh, no. No, thanks.

Did it sound like I was asking, soldier?

[Scattered applause]

I'm not much for speeches.

If you talk in a foxhole, the enemy's likely to find you and take you out!

Next, my future daughter, Darla.

Hmm, okay. Um...

I am so glad my mom is marrying J.W.

I've always admired his daughter, Jessie.

Wait for it.

Not everyone could fail so miserably at acting, and still have the courage to keep trying.

Even though she gets rejected over and over and over.

And there it is.

Kind of like the way she was rejected by all of the boys in high school.

She was so unpopular, even the vending machines rejected her quarters.

Okay, all right. Thank you, Darla.

That was fascinating.

Just like your stories about collecting barf bags at 30,000 feet.

And your "how to-put-on-a-seatbelt" speech is always a big hit at parties.

And I know that whenever I need advice, Jessie will always be there, because, Lord knows, she's never out on a date.

Let's hear it for Darla Shannon.

If her name sounds familiar, it's probably because you wrote a complaint letter to an airline about her.

[Both laughing]

[Screaming]

This is awesome!

This is fun!

This is going to be the day I die!

And I was so looking forward to puberty!

You should've seen Darla's face in high school.

The moon had less craters.

Then again, the moon didn't eat four personal pan pizzas for lunch every day.

Okay, at least I didn't have to eat with the cafeteria lady.

Olga was a sparkling conversationalist.

At least, I assume so I don't speak Russian.

Congratulations, Luke. You have driven us to the mess hall, the one place we are sure to get caught.

That's where the rush comes in.

I'll just go in reverse.

It must be this "R" button.

[Guests scream]

Incoming!

[Whispers] You think anybody noticed?

Luke, did it ever occur to you that "R" might stand for "rocket"?

I told you kids never to set foot in that thing again.

We can explain!

Ravi made us do it!

Okay, I can fix this.

All I need is a hammer, a screwdriver, and a time machine.

Dad, I can explain. It was an accident.

You think maybe if you had been watching these kids instead of trading insults with Darla, this accident would never have happened?

Okay, I got carried away.

That was a mistake.

But so is ambushing your daughter with a surprise wedding!

Prescott: I was afraid if I told you I was marrying Darla's mom over the phone, you'd freak out!

What do you think I'm doing now?

I came back here to try and make things right between us.

But instead I'm stuck with a new family, and you didn't even ask me!

Why should I ask you? You didn't ask me when you ran off to New York!

Because I knew you wouldn't be supportive!

It's a lot easier to be supportive when somebody makes good decisions.

Leaving home was a good decision.

Mom always told me to follow my dreams.

She'd be proud that I moved to New York.

Not if she saw what a disaster it's turned into.

Well, if that's how you feel, then maybe I just should just not come to your wedding.

If that's what you want.

It wouldn't be the first time you went AWOL from this family.

That's it.

Kids, we're going back to New York, right now.

They're going to tear us apart!

We have to run away!

Okay, but I'm wearing high heels, so you might have to carry me.

Done.

And I thought our private jet was a fun way to travel!

Jump in. I'll drive us to the airport.

Get out of that vehicle!

Or you know what? Don't. I don't care.

I'm done.

What do you mean?

I mean you knew how important this weekend was to me, but you obviously didn't care.

You deliberately disobeyed me, over and over, and I'm sick of it!

We promise it will never happen again.

You're right, it won't. And it's not my problem anymore.

Because I quit.

[Music]

I hope you two are satisfied.

Because of your malfeasance, we are going to lose Jessie!

Hey, her quitting is your fault, too!

You're the one who's supposed to stop us from doing stupid stuff like that.

Yeah, you're like our smaller, more annoying Jiminy Cricket.

Jessie, you have every right to be angry, but please, do not quit.

Yeah, we're really, really, really sorry.

Sorry doesn't cut it this time.

I promise, we've learned our lesson.

Good, then I hope you'll be more respectful to your next nanny.

We do not want another nanny!

We just want you.

You're the best nanny in the whole wide world!

And Emma would agree, if she had not run away with Caleb when you were not paying attention.

What? Why didn't you tell me?

After you quit, there was a power vacuum.

We did not know who to report to.

Emma's not picking up. How am I supposed to find them?

Well, I know where there is a computer that can triangulate her cell phone signal and pinpoint her location.

Great, where is it?

In the B.A.T.

Of course it is.

Well, then I guess we're taking that B.A.T.

Yes! I am so proud of you right now.

Which will probably never happen again, so enjoy it.

Okay, everybody buckle up.

I hope this thing is fast.

There's a button marked "F".

Maybe that means fast. Right there.

It means "fly"!

Or "fetal position," which I will now assume.

And I'm gonna assume the woo-hoo position.

Woo-hoo!

I want one of these for Christmas, but pink and with streamers!

I'm glad you guys are both having fun.

Meanwhile, I think I just got a bug in my teeth.

Although my vision is blurred from fear, I believe the computer has located Emma's cell signal!

Great, where is she?

I have good news and bad news.

What's the good news?

Emma appears to be in a munitions bunker.

The munitions bunker is where they keep all of the deadly explosives!

And that was the bad news.

Way to steal my thunder.

[Sighs]

Sorry, I couldn't find us a more romantic place to hide.

Any place with you is romantic.

I just won't be lighting these candles I brought.

Oh, you look cold. Do you want my jacket or something?

Luke: Sweet!

Zuri: Yeah!

Ravi: God protect us.

[Thuds]

Are we in heaven?

Am I playing washboard for the late, great country legend, Tammy Wynette?

Then no.

Okay, I'll run in and grab Caleb and Emma.

You guys stay put.

And don't touch anything!

But I want a snow cone.

It has a snow cone maker, too?

No wonder you guys keep stealing this thing.

Jessie, I am not going back to New York. Don't even bother to ask.

Oh, I'm not asking. I'm grabbing and pulling.

You can't separate us!

We're two souls that have become one.

Your two souls can video chat. We're leaving.

No! I'm staying here with Caleb. I love him!

[Alarm blaring]

Automated voice: Munitions bunker in lock down.

Emma! You just locked us in a room packed with deadly explosives.

As opposed to safe explosives?

Sorry, I get sarcastic when I'm nervous.

Automated voice: Munitions bunker in lock down!

Cool!

I know I should care that Jessie and Emma are trapped, but I'm all hopped up on snow cones!

Want some? Want some? Want some?

Emma, why did you do that?

You left me no choice.

No choice? You didn't hear me mention the video chat option?

And you shouldn't have run away in the first place, that never solves anything.

Says the girl who's running away from her own father's wedding.

[Scoffs] That is completely different!

Somewhat different.

Okay, it's exactly the same.

But I'm running away from the demon seed, Darla!

No offense.

None taken.

She used to hold me down and make me smell her armpit.

That is a terrible thing to do to a little kid.

It was this morning.

So you're going to let Darla make things worse between you and your dad?

[Sighs]

Look, it's not just Darla.

I never thought my dad would get married again.

But he's fallen in love.

Don't you want him to be happy?

Well, of course I do, but...

Everything is happening so fast.

I don't want my family to change.

You wouldn't understand.

Actually, I do understand.

When my parents adopted Luke, then Zuri, then Ravi...

I was upset, because I didn't want my family to change.

But now I love them more than anything.

Even Luke, who's about as demon seed as they come.

But my dad and I have been through a lot together.

We've always been a team.

You can still be a team, you're just adding a few more players.

Yeah, but I'm getting Darla on my team.

Well, I got a 7-foot lizard with rat breath and a scary, forked tongue.

Okay, it's a draw.

I guess...

My dad deserves to start a new chapter in his life.

Like I did when I moved to New York and started taking care of you guys.

Exactly, and look how great that turned out.

It did, didn't it?

How did you get so smart?

I've had a great teacher.

Besides, I know a lot about love.

After all, I've been in it for two whole days.

Just wait until you can finally make a guy really care about you, too.

Okay, moment over.

But you're right. I should get to that wedding.

Except, I can't, because thanks to you, I'm locked in!

Well, maybe Luke, Ravi and Zuri will try to blast us out of here with the B.A.T.

[Scoffs]

We are in a room full of explosives, equipped with a hair-trigger self-destruct system in case someone tries to steal them.

Not even they would be dumb enough to fire on it.

Ready... aim...

Fire!

[Laughs]

Nimrods.

[Siren blaring]

Automated voice: Munitions bunker under attack!

Activate self-destruct sequence!

Well, that's not good.

All: Help! Let us out.

I can't believe Jessie's really not coming.

Maybe I was too hard on her.

Aw, she wouldn't miss your wedding.

I know it. She'll be here.

I don't know.

I haven't seen her this mad since she broke curfew and I took away the keys to her tank.

Hey, Dar-Dar, have you seen Jessie?

No. With any luck, she fell down that well again.

Oh, hey, if she's been in that cold water long enough, she could be your something blue.

Peanuts?

We're going to get blown to bits!

And you're too pretty to be rubble!

I know! Jessie, do something!

[Speaking hindi]

Okay, you have been spending way too much time with Ravi.

[Laughs]

See? I told you "G" was for "grappling hook"!

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Guys, I never thought I would say this, but thank you for disobeying me!

You're welcome. And you can thank us by becoming our nanny again.

Jessie, please, you cannot quit.

You are part of our family.

And we love you.

I love you guys, too!

And I'm not going anywhere.

Luke: Yes!

Except to that wedding.

Wow, Jessie quit and I didn't even know?

I really am self-involved.

All right. Everyone in? Buckled, buckled.

Okay. Brace yourselves.

I'm hitting "T" for "turbo".

Or toast.

I gotta say, both these cakes would definitely pass inspection.

Agreed.

But I think my confection is perfection.

Oh, yeah? Well...

Your icing tastes like dirt.

That's your finger.

Oh, yeah. I really should wash my hands more often.

Ugh.

Look, we're both great chefs. It doesn't really matter who wins.

[Whirring]

Oh.

[Luke laughs]

But I just did!

What kind of twisted sicko laughs at someone else's misfortune?

[Screaming]

[Laughing]

Oh, now I get it. This is fun.

[Shrieks]

This icing tastes like dirt.

Ha ha, told ya.

[Laughs]

Darla, I am so... happy that happened.

[Laughing]

Jessie! You came!

Dad.

I'm sorry I crashed your wedding. Literally.

That's okay.

It was considerate of you to crash through the same hole in the wall.

Yeah, that was the plan.

I'm just glad you're here.

And I'm very sorry to have sprung all this on you.

It's okay, dad.

You deserve to be happy.

Thank you, Pumpkin. That's the best wedding present you could give me.

Do you, John Wayne Prescott, take Beverly Shannon, to love, honor and cherish?

I do.

And do you, Beverly...

Affirmative!

[Kissing]

Well, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now...

Uh, well, just keep on doing what you're doing.

[All applauding]

[Growls suggestively]

[Explosion]

[Guests gasp]

Hey, who set off the fireworks?

Uh-oh.

Someone forgot to shut down the self destruct sequence on the munitions bunker.

Ravi...

So, Darla, now that we are "sisters".

Should we try and get along?

Absolutely.

Do you wanna take a walk by the old well?

And the feud continues.

I hope you have nine airsick babies on your next flight!

So, we're gonna video chat every day, right?

Right. Let's start now.

Hi!

Hi!

I miss you.

I miss you more.

You know, once you pick off the floor lint, your cake tastes great.

Yours is great, too.

But I think I've found something even sweeter.

Oh, the mini-churros?

No...

You, you big love-burger.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Well, Corporal Cookie, I'm flattered, but uh...

I have two weeks leave next month.

I'm gonna come stay with you, and take a bite out of The Big Apple!

[Growls suggestively]

[Chuckles nervously]

But just the apple, right?

You know, Jessie, it's very impressive that those kids saved you from that bunker.

Yeah. I got a pretty good squad.

Well, a squad is only as good as its leader.

You've obviously been a good influence on them.

Wow, marriage really agrees with you.

No, I mean it. They are lucky to have you.

And...

I think you did make the right decision going to New York.

Really?

Thanks, Daddy. That means a lot.

Your Mother would be so proud of you.

And she'd be happy for you.

We're never gonna forget her, right?

How could I?

Whenever I look at you, I see her.

All right, all the single ladies, fall in.

Come on.

[Excited chattering]

Not Cookie, not Cookie.

Well, that's the first time I've prayed for that.

All: Me, me!

Over here.

[Growls]

[Barks]

Hello.

[Chuckles]

Goodbye.

Darla, I assume you know where the exits are.

[Dance music playing]