Mystery Not Incorporated

Velma: Why could a contractor need glow-in-the dark paint? I wonder if this has to do with the glowing ghost. *sigh* I put my parents a hundred thousand dollars in debt for that criminal science degree. I need to rethink my life.

Shaggy: Zoinks!

Velma: *gasp* Shaggy!

(Velma trips over a toolbox)

Velma: Oh, My glasses.

(Velma falls backwards off the bulding)

Velma: Aah! Jinkies!

Shaggy: G-g-g-glowing ghost!

(Velma lands backfirst on a pole, bleeding from her face)

Fred: Velma!

Daphne: Oh my god!

Glowing Ghost: Oh! Oh! I just puked right in my fucking mask!

Fred: Velma faces twelve to eighteen months of physical therapy with no insurance. While she's on that fun journey, we need someone to fill her role.

Shaggy: Like, dude. Me and Scoob already put an ad on Craigslist.

Scooby-Doo: Yeah! Craigslist!

Shaggy: *laugh* Like here she is now.

(Lisbeth Salander encounters the group on her motorcycle)

Lisbeth Salander: I am Lisbeth Salander.

Fred: I know we need a team nerd, but do they always have to be such boner killers?

(The gang is seen in the Mystery van with Lisbeth Salander)

Daphne: Hey Lisbeth. I really like your, um? (thinks to herself in her mind: Hair, eyebrows, make-up, piercings, tattoos, outfit, hygene, manners, smile, accent) Hey Fred, turn up the radio!

Fred: The owner of this amusment park says a ghost is scaring away all his customers. My plan is we split up.

Lisbeth Salander: You are incompetent.

Fred: Huh?

Lisbeth Salander: The owner of this park is bankrupt. These are his financial records.

Fred: Don't implicate me in whatever you're doing.

Daphne: Lots of honest people file chapter 11, Lisbeth

Lisbeth Salander: Here are his personal emails. He has fifty thousand dollars in gambling debt.

Fred: Well, gambling is a deplorable vice.

Lisbeth Salander: Here are receipts for a ghost costume, a one way ticket to Brazil, and twelve drums of acetone, the most common arson accelerant. He is planning to burn the park for the insurance money, blame it on a ghost, and flee the country.

(Everyone looks at her computer then on her, stunned)

Fred: I say we split up.

(The Amusement Park Owner appears from behind the gang)

Amusment Park Owner: Ooohhh!

Fred: Look out!

Shaggy: Zoinks!

Scooby-Doo: Ruh-roh!

Lisbeth Salander: That is Philip W. Anderson, the president and CEO of this-

Shaggy: Like, run!

(The gang runs from the amusment park owner. Daphne pulls Lisbeth along with them)

(Cut to Daphne and Lisbeth Salander standing face to face)

Lisbeth Salander: You wear too much purple.

Daphne: I know. It matches my eyes.

Lisbeth Salander: The only humans with naturally purple eyes are albinos.

Daphne: Fine, they're contacts. God! You think you know everything, huh? You think you're so cool. You know, you're not the only one with a badass tattoo.

(Daphne lifts up her shirt to reveal a tattoo of Fred on her lower back)

Lisbeth Salander: I think a tumbleweed just blew through my vagina.

Daphne: I know! It sucks! Fred sucks! I have the worst boyfriend in the world!

Lisbeth Salander: Maybe you could try handcuffing him to your bed.

Daphne: Oh, I guess that could spice things up.

Lisbeth Salander: Yes! And then sodomize him with a stainless-steel revenge dildo!

(Lisbeth and Daphne begin to tongue kiss)

Fred: Oh. So that's how these girls play.

(Fred unzips his pants and starts to masturbate)

Fred: Ohhh.

(Cut to Shaggy and Scooby walking around the camp)

Shaggy: This whole park smells like sex all of a sudden, and I get stuck with a four-legged tang repellant.

Scooby-Doo: Tang repellant? Maybe it's the soul patch.

Shaggy: Did you just diss the soul patch?

(Two claws picks up Shaggy and Scooby by the throat)

Scooby-Doo: It's the ghost!

Shaggy: Like zoinks!

Amusement Park Owner: Hoohoohoo! Ooh!

(Amusement Park Owner raises them with a button remote, trying to hang them)

(Lisbeth Salander hits the Amusement Park Owner in the head with a sledgehammer)

(Fred picks up his wallet)

Fred: Look! It was the amusement park owner after all. (Runs off to Shaggy and Scooby)

Lisbeth Salander: Imbecile.

(Fred and Daphne realeses Shaggy and Scooby from the claws)

Daphne: We actually solved the mystery without Velma.

Shaggy: And without a tacked-on car chase and explosion, unlike "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"

(Steigg Larsson's ghost appears behind Lisbeth Salander)

Steigg Larsson: Ohhhhh! Thanks for the critique, guys!

Group: Steigg Larsson?! Author of "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"?!

Steigg Larsson: Maybe I would've done a second draft if I hadn't died of a fucking heart attack!

Amusement Park Owner: *pain inhale*

Shaggy: Hey old dude! Did you lose a contact lens?

Amusement Park Owner: I just took a hammer to the skull! I think my fucking retina flew off!

(The group laughs)

Scooby-Doo: Scooby Dooby Doo!