Spy of the Year Awards

1 You guys will never believe this. After 20 years of being overlooked, I have finally been recognized by my peers at the Organization and been nominated for an Orgi award! Best Foreign Mission! What?! Okay, I know it's taken a lotta time, but Best Foreign Mission, that's the most prestigious category. People would kill for that nomination. I'm pretty sure that's how you get that nomination. It's taken a lot of blood, sweat and tears, and most of those tears are over it taking so long to be nominated. But, um, my time has come. That's my girl. Hey, guys. Guess what. I have been nominated for an Orgi award. It's, like, Best Foreign Mission or something like that. Can you believe it? After only one year of being in the Organization. Must be like beginner's luck or something. So you guys wanna celebrate over some mac and cheese? Get out while you can. Why's everybody hatin' on the mac and cheese? Oh, when danger comes for you You know I'll stand beside you 'Cause ain't nobody keep things hustle cool I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire Don't tell nobody, tell nobody I'm not perfect So many things I wanna tell you But I, I, I, I keep it undercover Livin' my life, no way to learn Doin' my thing, gonna make it work Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless But I always got your back Nobody can do it like I can I gotta find out who I am Ain't got to worry about me It's all part of the plan I keep it undercover. I keep it undercover. Mom, is there a problem? No, there's no problem. Everything's fine. Right as rain, couldn't be better. Hunky dory. Really? Because things don't seem neither hunk nor dory. Everything's fine. But you're not the only one nominated for Best Foreign Mission. Oh, really? Dad got nominated? No. Me! Oh. Mom, that's awesome. The Cooper ladies representin'. You don't seem too happy about that. - I'm happy. - You don't look happy. - I'm happy. - You don't sound happy. I'm happy, okay? I'm very, very happy. You might wanna text your face and let it know, 'cause right now, you look a little grrrr. I don't know what you're talking about. Mom, would you like me to decline the nomination? No. I would never ask you to do that. That would make me a terrible mother and a horrible human being. There's no reason why you should drop out. Unless you want to. Or you love me. Mom, that was a test, and you failed miserably. No, I'm not dropping out. You know what? Fine. Fine. Then try not to be a sore loser. I don't really know what type of loser I'd be, because I've never really lost at anything. I also don't know what it's like to not be nominated, but I'm sure you could tell me all about it. (Inhaling loudly) Come on, baby. Nice tuxedo, Dad. Thank you. Whose is it? What are you talking about? This is mine. Wore it to my wedding. Oh, really? Did it fit then? I happen to think it looks great, considering I've had two kids since then. You do know how having kids actually works, right, Dad? You wouldn't be here if I didn't. Looking good, Mom. Thank you. Wow! You look fantastic! Thank you. And I like your tux. Thank you. Does it come in your size? It is my size. Almost. Listen. I love you, sweetheart, but you've been a little nasty since those nominations came out. I want you to put a smile on your face, and go make up with your daughter. Can you do that for me? All right, Craig. I have been acting like an idiot, competing with my own daughter. I should be ashamed of myself. Hey, KC honey, I love you. Will you come down here so I can apologize? Coming. Okay, so I'll apologize, and then the whole family will go out and have a good time. That's what I'm talking What the heck do you think you're wearing? A dress suitable for a 16-year-old girl. And what are you wearing? My new dress. I just bought it. At what store? Forever Inappropriate? What'd you say, Ernie? Need help with your bowtie? Yeah, I'll be right up there, buddy. Mom, what is your deal? Oh, KC, I'm embarrassed. I don't know why I'm acting like this. Honey, I really am proud of you, and you deserve to win. And you know what? When you do, I will be cheering louder than anyone, because I love you. You're my baby girl. (Retching) All right, point taken. I laid it on a little thick. But I meant it. (Vomiting) KC, are you okay? Yeah. Suddenly I felt a little sick to my stomach. It sounds like you have food poisoning. What did you eat? Just that pasta that - you made me. - What are you saying? I'm saying you did this to me. You poisoned your own daughter. KC, do you honestly believe that I would ever poison anyone? Well, you did it to the enemy agent in Luxembourg. It's how you got the nomination in the first place. You made me sick to my stomach. Literally. (Vomiting) Oh, honey. Okay. Yuck. I can't believe I'm nominated in the gadget category. I thought it was an honor just to be nominated. Please. I've competed against an I Heart New York bottle opener and a stapler. Me, the world's most sophisticated robot, up against things you find in a junk drawer. At least it's better than my category. Not nominated at all. Those are the nominees for Best Supporting Spy. What do they have that I don't? Skills, looks, a personality, the ability to grow facial hair. Okay, Judy, enough. I get it. A sense of style, girlfriends, a functioning pituitary gland. Want me to go on? Suddenly, I'm not sure I want to go on. I feel awful about KC. I mean, here I am at this fancy awards dinner, and she's at home feeling sick, thinking the worst of me. Come on, Kira, it's just the two of us. Did you poison her? Did you? Of course not. I swear on your tight tux. It's not tight. Just cuttin' off my circulation a little bit. (Feedback whines) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the 30th annual Orgi awards. I'm television's Buck Marshall, host of Fly Fishing With Buck Marshall, Tales From the Morgue With Buck Marshall, and my brand-new game show, Pass the Buck With you guessed it Buck Marshall. I'm told that this is the third time that I've hosted these awards, although for the life of me, I don't have a single memory of it. I could say the same for my second marriage. (Rim shot, audience laughter) He used that same joke last year. Maybe tonight, they can erase our memory instead of his. Don't worry, KC. Marisa is here I will nurse you back to health. Marisa, just because you skip class and spend most of your time in the nurse's office, does not make you an actual nurse. Besides, you hate being around sick people. Yes, except when I have a huge test coming up that I didn't study for. So just sit there and breathe on me, sicky. Marisa, you do realize you can't catch food poisoning. Well, not with that attitude, you can't. Now come on, throw up on me. Less yappin', more yackin'. Marisa, all I wanna do is drink some of my tea, keep it inside of my body, and go back to sleep. Let me help you. And now, nominees for Best Performance On A Foreign Mission This is it, this is it. Whitney Larson for Canada. Harris Russo for Estonia. KC Cooper for Monrovia. Hey And Kira Cooper for Luxembourg. All right! And the Orgi award goes to Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Folks, I don't think this is part of the program. Truth be told, I didn't go to the tech rehearsal because you people don't pay enough. What is goin' on?! I'll tell you what's goin' on. Nobody's going anywhere. This is not good. Tell me about it. I was just about to go to the bathroom. All your weapons have been disabled. My people are coming around to collect your devices phones, laser guns, earrings, all of it. Bup-bup-bup. Hand over that wig, lady. It's not my first rodeo. All right, now let's make this easy. I'm looking for the agent who put away my father, Tony "The Big Toe" Tolentino. That's right. I'm Tony "The Big Toe" Junior. Big Toe Junior. Wouldn't that make him the little toe? No, that does not make me the little toe! I resent that insinuation. So which one of you is Agent 8433599? Okay, fine. I'll question each one of you until I find out who it is. No one's going to tell you anything, so do your worst. These agents have been trained to withstand - incredible physical pain. - We have? Were you not trained yet? Yeah, you're not gonna like this at all. If Agent 8433599 doesn't come forward, we'll start eliminating you one by one, starting with her. Great. They're starting with Whitney Larson. My odds just got better. Kira! We need to contact KC and let her know we need help. But his device shut down all outgoing communication. Not when you have your own built-in satellite. Take that, I Heart New York bottle opener. KC, someone's put the Orgi awards on lockdown. We need you to get us out. Help us, KC Cooper. You're our only hope. My family needs me. I'm strong, I'm focused, - I'm invincible. - (Stomach rumbling) I'm gonna need your help to get off this couch. Marisa, could you please just pick a lane, please? Fine. I pick this one. (Groaning) And unfortunately, my stomach is left in the other lane. Marisa, could you please just chill it out? I don't know why I didn't pass my road test the first two times. Those guys at the DMV must've had it out for me. Pick up the pace, grandpa. We got lives to save. Psst. Ooh, child. - Dad, it's getting dangerous. - I know. We can't wait around anymore. I'm goin' in. (Laughing) Bless you, Ernie. I can always count on you to make a joke and lighten the mood. I'm serious. If I can be a hero in front of the entire Organization, then I'll finally get the recognition I deserve. How about you get recognized as the guy who sat there and didn't do anything stupid? That's an order, son. All right, we can't wait around any longer. I'm goin' in. Goin' in was my idea. Stop trying to take credit for everything, Ernie. No wonder they didn't nominate you. They didn't nominate you either. Look here. I think you need to grab your men and get outta here right now. - Oh, you want us to leave. - Yeah. Okay. Pack it up, boys. We're leaving, 'cause this guy asked us nicely, you know/ Go scratch, man. Okay. I'm only gonna say this once, - and for your sake, I hope you're listening. - (Grunts) I have 50 sticks of dynamite underneath this tuxedo. I don't believe you could fit 50 sticks of gum underneath that tuxedo. If your brilliant plan is to save everyone by blowing them up, you're definitely not the agent I'm looking for. So Well, I tried. All right, Marisa, I'm in, and I'm feeling better. I think I'm all puked out. Thanks for doing doughnuts in the parking garage. Marisa, I need you to pull up the building's schematics, and find me a way to get to the ballroom. KC, I don't know how to bring up the schematics. Frankly, I'm not really sure what the word schematics means, but if it's anything like mathematics, not your gal. Oh, I did it. I did it! Great. That's great. Can you tell me where to go? Well, according to this map, you should go find someone who knows how to read a map. Marisa, you can do this. Okay, um, just pretend like the ballroom is a cute boy's bedroom. Okay? And his parents are in the living room watching TV. What are they watching? Jeopardy, okay? They're watching Jeopardy. And he's not allowed to have anyone over - Why? - Because he called his sister a butt face. He sounds like - No. He's not anti-women, he's just anti his sister. Okay? Now tell me how to get to his room. Go. Okay, okay, yes. Use the fire escape and go up to the second floor, make sure the coast is clear. Oh, and take off your shoes so his parents don't hear your footsteps. Rookie mistake. Now there should be an air vent thirty paces to your left. Wow! Spy stuff is fun. - Oh, no, to your right, to your right. - Girl! Okay now shimmy shimmy ten more feet, and then, you can drop down into the utility closet near the secret back entrance to the ballroom. You mean to tell me there's a secret back entrance to the ballroom? Why am I crawling through an air vent? What is wrong with you? Um, I don't know. Maybe it's that I'm not a spy. Now you crawl on your belly, and get to that cute boy's room before another girl sends him a text, and the next thing you know, he's taking Heather Watson to the Spring Fling, and you've got nothing better to do on a Saturday night than try to catch food poisoning. What?! I get hungry when I'm under pressure. Your tuxedo must be starving. Hey, Little Big Toe, why don't you interrogate this one next? I think there's a good chance Big Mouth here is Agent 8433599. Yeah, I'm pretty sure the agent I'm looking for isn't nine years old. Have you checked your eyebrows? Maybe the agent you're looking for is camping out in there. All right, come on. It's time to interrogate the one that's dressed like Taylor Swift's little sister. (Stammering) First of all, this dress is appropriate for any age, if you have the legs for it, and I do. Now get down and call off your goons. (Chuckles) Okay, I really don't see what's so funny. The laser guns we use, they're activated by our fingerprints. So go ahead. Pull the trigger. See what happens. - (Clicking) - Oh, thank goodness. The fingerprint technology is still in beta phase. But with that kind of bravery, maybe you're Agent 8433599. Yeah, there's no way she won that award. But you know what? She does have the legs to pull off the dress. Oh, hey. Um, I think I may be in the wrong place. Is this not Kevin Finkelberg's bar mitzvah? Oh, man, this is awkward. My bad. You know what? It's all right. Don't worry about me. - I'll just find my way out. - I think you're right where you belong. At least, now you are. KC, are you okay? I wish I could see what was going on. Wait a second. I think I can The live video feed. Oh, I got the live video feed. Oh, oh, oh. This is not looking good for you, KC. Oh, I can't watch. How do I shut this off? Oh, uh, lighting controls. What does that do? That's right, bad guys. How about a little mood lighting? While we're at it, how about a little mood music? (Dance music plays) Oh! Sit down. I'm still in charge. Don't you hurt KC. Oh, KC. Don't you mean Agent 8433599? Yep. You figured it out. I'm the one who put your father away 'cause he was a lowlife, just like you. I'm Agent 8433599. I'm gonna do something actually worth nominating. She's lying. I'm Agent 8433599. They're both lying. I'm Agent 8433599. No, no, no, no, no. Don't steal my hero moment. I'm Agent 8433599. No, I'm Agent 8433599. No, I'm Agent 8433599. All: No, I'm Agent 8433599. Enough! For the record, I am not Agent 8433599. Hey, Dad, flex your guns. I don't have any weapons, KC. No, not that kind of gun. The gun show. Oh, yeah. How about that? Thanks, Dad. Oh, by the way, killer tux. Well, don't forget to say hello to your father for me in prison, Little Toe, 'cause you're going away for a long time. KC, I'm really sorry for the way I acted. I guess seeing you nominated your very first year, and your being so young and having your whole life and career ahead of you, I don't know, honey, it just made me feel so so old. Mom, old? Really? You just saved every agent in the Organization, and you did it wearing a cocktail dress and stilettos. Mom, you're not getting older. You're getting better. Oh, honey, thank you. Look, even if I win tonight, I'm gonna give you the award. Because you deserve it. And I'm proud of you, kid. Welcome back, everyone. It's starting. Craig, come over here. Now where were we? Oh, yes, the Best Performance For A Foreign Mission. And the Orgi award goes to - Kira Cooper! - Yes! I won, I won, and you lost, and you lost Yes, yes! Thank you, thank you. Oh, my gosh. This was totally unexpected. I mean, I never thought that I would win. But, um, this isn't just about me. No. Um I'd like to dedicate this award to all the bad guys whose butts I kicked to make this award possible! Yes! Thank you, thank you! Uh, Mom, I think you forgot to mention someone. Look what I did! Yes! You are comin' home to Mama! Rob, your name's on TV.