Surprise!

So, I can't believe I was so drunk, I accidentally got the wrong name tattooed on my wrist.

What do you think? Any chance it'll fade?

Sure.

As long as you got it out of a cereal box and licked it on with your tongue.

Well, at least you didn't get anything pierced.

Taking Nana through a metal detector was always pretty hinky after that.

I just don't know how I'm gonna explain this to Amy.

I truly am the world's biggest idiot.

Okay, it's official.

I truly am the world's biggest idiot.

Dude! Why does everything always have to be a competition with you? I'm the biggest idiot!

What are you talking about?!

Okay, yeah, maybe you win.

I just can't find Emma's paperwork.

Well, honey, just so you know, even if you have the original receipt, you can't return a baby.

I tried.

Twice.

I need to find the paper that Angela signed when she left Emma on the doorstep giving me sole custody.

I'm finally getting health insurance for me and my dependents.

What if I can't find it?

What if I have to talk to Angela?

I haven't talked to her since the night I made her.

I barely remember what she looks like.

Oh, and that'll make a lovely toast at Emma's wedding.

Relax.

You gave me all important baby-related items for safekeeping.

You have all the papers?

Yup.

You can stop panicking.

(Exhales deeply) Thank you, mom.

What would I do without you?

Probably pay for childcare.

Here's your baby.

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪ ♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

Hey.

Oh! Look at you standing up.

Daddy's little girl is becoming daddy's big girl.

(Knocks on door)

(Groans) So...

What do you think we should do today?

I suggest something involving balloons.

It's me!

Riley?

(Laughs)

Nice look!

Did you mug a clown?

They're a birthday present from my mother because she loves to get me things I hate.

(Chuckling) But, it's not your...

Oh, my God! It's your birthday!

And I knew that! Here, I got you, um...

Wow, I'm surprisingly attached to everything in this apartment.

Well, first of all, it's tomorrow.

And second of all, I don't really celebrate it.

So you're good.

What are you talking about?

You used to have parties all the time when you were a kid.

If I recall, you were quite a fan of the cake.

(Laughs)

Well, I sorta stopped celebrating after, you know...

After I know what?

Did something happen?

Um. No.

No, nothing happened. I'm just...

Not really that into it, so you enjoy the balloons and I gotta get back to work and open a giant card signed by a bunch of people I barely know.

"Happy birthday, Miley."

Mrs. Wheeler, hey. I got your text.

Is everything okay?

Sit down. We've got a problem.

You know those papers I was keeping for Ben?

Oh, my God! You lost them?!

(Scoffs) No!

They're right here.

How irresponsible do you think I am?

I just, um...

May or may not have mailed them in on time and now Ben may or may not have sole custody of Emma.

Closer to may not.

Ben doesn't have sole custody?!

What is wrong with you, woman?!

(Exhales sharply) I don't know!

There was all the excitement around the new baby and, you know, plus, I didn't have any stamps!

(Sighs) Look, okay, we just need to get Angela to resign this document and we'll be fine.

Oh, my God. Ben is going to freak.

Wait.

What do you mean by "we"?

I thought since you're his best friend and you're the only one who's actually seen her...

Seen her?!

Ben pointed her out across a crowded room and said, "can you believe I talked her into coming home with me?"

Tucker, you have to help me.

(Tucker sighs)

Okay? You're really my only hope.

Please.

Well, I can see you're desperate.

Which I enjoy, so I'm in.

Amy: Oh, Danny, I am so sorry.

I thought it was only sprained.

I had no idea it was actually broken.

When does it come off?

I can have it removed in three weeks.

The cast. Just the cast.

All right, Emma's finally asleep.

If I never hear "itsy bitsy spider" again, I will be an itsy bitsy bit happier.

Hey, Danny, what's the deal with Riley not wanting to celebrate her birthday?

Are you really asking me that question?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was me.

Seriously, why does she hate it so much?

Ben, Riley hasn't celebrated her birthday since her disastrous not-so-sweet 16.

Disastrous? What happened?

Not what happened.

Who happened.

Are you sure you wanna see this?

What's the big deal? I was there.

And I think I'd remember if anything disastrous happened.

All right.

(Guys laughing)

Yeah, mom!

All right, come on, people. Let's get going.

I've got spin class in 20 minutes.

Bikes nailed to the floor, like that's gonna last.

Danny: Here we come!

Careful.

Danny, where are we going?

(Ben chuckles) Luckily the future, where you gain a real mustache and she loses a person.

Okay, I'm gonna take off the blindfold.

All: Surprise!

(Screams)

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!

I always wanted a surprise party.

Thank you.

(Sniffs) (Exhales)

(Laughing)

Dude, what's wrong with you?

You totally smelled her hair.

It's like you liked her or something.

Is Ben here?

Didn't he come?

Bonnie: Benjamin Wheeler, get over here and wish Riley a happy birthday.

Just do it.

Hi, Ben.

Hey, Riles.

Happy birthday.

(Chuckles)

Oh, come on. She should have seen that coming when I hugged her.

Okay, so far this is definitely my best birthday ever.

Oh, my God, is that cake?

Bonnie: What are you doing?

Do not tell me that you did something to that cake.

Okay, I didn't do anything to the cake.

Okay, keep it up, buddy.

If you pull one of your stupid little pranks, I swear to God, I'm taking away your dial-up Internet.

Danny: Make a wish!

(Pops, splatters)

(All gasp)

(Guests laugh)

Ben!

Will you please turn it off?

(Sobs)

Riley, wait!

Wow!

I remember that being a lot funnier.

Okay, it's official.

I am the worst person that's ever lived.

I'm feeling the need to say, "oh, no, Ben.

That's not true."

But that would be a lie.

(Emma cries)

No wonder she doesn't like her birthday.

This is all my fault.

I have to do something to make it up to her.

Bro, I'm telling you...

Just let it go.

Do I what I did with that hockey hair and cut your losses.

Actually, try to save it with a perm first, then cut your losses.

What? Just be glad you weren't there for the mohawk and mutton chops phase.

(Chuckles) Oh, no, I am.

(Sighing) But I'm just curious, um...

Is Riley still in love with Ben, or was that just something from back when they were kids?

Riley?

In love with Ben?

I don't know what video you were watching.

(Scoffs) It was so obvious.

I mean, I'm not wrong, am I?

She might have kinda had a crush on him.

And she still really likes him, doesn't she?

Maybe.

And, I mean, it doesn't take a PHD to see that Ben obviously has feelings for her.

Remember when you said to tell you when you're acting like a therapist?

And not a girlfriend? You're doing it again.

I'm sorry, I just don't understand why you haven't told Ben.

Unless of course, you're still in love with Riley.

Hey.

Hey, man.

How's it going?

I'm just trying to figure out what kind of gift says "I'm sorry I'm me."

(Chuckles)

Come on, it's not that bad.

Not that bad? I ruined her sweet sixteen.

It's no wonder I can never figure out a way to get her to like me.

Ben, there's something you need to know.

Dude, unless you know what I should get her for her birthday, it really doesn't matter.

Well, I think I know what she wants.

Really? Like what?

You.

Me?

Riley's been in love with you since we were kids.

Are you saying that she actually likes me?!

Likes me? Has always been in like with me?

May possibly love me?

Maybe not around her birthday, but the rest of the time, definitely a fan.

(Laughs) That's amazing!

But why didn't you tell me before?

Well, it might have involved a threat to my life and a double pinky swear.

But since you really seem to like her back, I'm willing to face the consequences.

So... so what do I do? Do I just go over there and say, "Riley, it's me, Ben."

And throw myself at her?

Are there any other options?

You're right. You're right.

I need to make amends first.

I need to arrange the greatest birthday of all time!

And then throw myself at her.

Will you help?

With the birthday, not the throwing...

That part I've got down.

Sure. Whatever you need, bro.

Thanks, man.

You're the best!

Bonnie: You are so good.

I can't believe you already found her.

Well, when you're as connected as I am, it's easy. (Laughs)

Plus, I found her number in Ben's phone.

Okay, so she doesn't suspect anything?

Oh, no way. She's an actress.

She thinks she's coming to meet a producer about a part in a new movie.

(Exhales sharply) Oh, that's good. That's good.

Okay, so what should I be?

The writer, director? (Gasps) Co-star?

"I'd like to thank the academy."

Maybe on our next movie.

(Chuckles) But for now...

You're my assistant. (Chuckles)

I'm oddly attracted to you.

Oh, there she is.

Okay, whatever you do, just be cool and let me do the talking.

Hi, Mr. Spielberg?

(Chuckles)

(British accent) You can call me Tyrell.

(Quietly) Really? Tyrell Spielberg?

And this is my assistant Bonnie.

(Chuckles)

Hi hi, have a seat.

I just want you to know that we are huge fans.

Oh, thank you. That is so nice to hear.

Especially since I've really only done a few soaps and that birth control commercial.

(Gulps, coughs)

I'm sorry.

Little irony just went down the wrong way.

Uh, so what can you tell me about the part?

Well...

Obviously you'll be playing the girl.

(Both laugh)

Well, before he tells you too much more, I'm gonna need you to sign this non-disclosure agreement.

It's a pretty top-secret project.

Oh...

So I need you to sign here, here and here, okay?

(Both very quietly) Yeah. Whoo.

All right.

(Gasps, screams)

What?!

What's going on?

Uh, you were just finishing signing these papers without asking any questions.

Wait wait. "Parental rights waiver"?

Yeah, it's a working title.

Emma? No, I already signed...

Oh, my God! You're Ben's roommate!

(Normal voice) Hey, Angela!

Oh, my...

It is so good to see you again.

And hi, I'm Bonnie Wheeler. Ben's mom.

So great to finally meet the mother that made this mother a grandmother.

(Nervous chuckle)

What is the matter with you people?

Why do I have to sign these again?

Well, the paperwork didn't get filed when it was supposed to.

Nobody knows what happened.

Well, if Ben is so irresponsible that he lost the papers and so immature that he couldn't face me himself, then maybe he's not responsible enough to have sole custody of Emma.

If it makes you feel any better, we actually do a lot of the work.

Ben, is the blindfold really necessary?

Yes, it is. Today is gonna be a day full of surprises.

(Gasps) Where are we going?

Did you miss the part about the surprises?

You're just gonna have to trust me.

I do.

Okay. Big step.

All right.

Okay, here, give me your purse.

Okay.

All right.

Now spin around.

Okay, hold...

You need a hand?

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you.

Okay, now have a seat.

Stop that guy!

Yeah, you better run!

(Subway doors close)

Oh, no no no no no!

Are you kidding me?

Oh, this is so much fun.

I can tell already that this is gonna be the best birthday ever.

Whoo!

How are we gonna explain this to Ben?

We? Oh, hell no! No no no.

I am so done with this "we".

You're the one who didn't mail in the papers.

Yeah, well, you're the one who found Angela and brought her back into our lives.

Because you made me!

You're right.

We're both equally to blame.

Hey.

Angela!

You came back!

You know there's not really a movie, right?

Look...

We are so sorry.

Yeah, here.

You know what? We should have just told you the truth.

I know how hard it must have been to give Emma up the first time.

But please believe us, we had the right intentions. We were doing it for Emma.

And I get that.

That's why I gave her up.

You know, and it was hard, but she needed a home and a family and people that care about her.

Clearly, she has that.

Oh, she means us.

Oh, right, yeah.

Thank you.

(Clears throat)

Look, my life is kinda all over the place.

Um, so I'm prepared to make you a deal.

I'll sign the papers and disappear on one condition.

What's that?

I just wanna see a picture of my little girl.

That's all.

Of course.

She's gotten so big.

And she's so beautiful.

She sure is.

Here, use my pen.

All: Surprise!

Not yet. Has anyone heard from Riley?

I kinda lost her.

What do you mean you lost her?

We had a plan.

It's a long story.

Bonnie: Okay, sorry, we're late.

Guests: Surprise!

Aww.

See, I told you people think Riley and I are sisters.

Did we beat the birthday girl?

(Sighs) Damn.

Hey, you wanna come back in like an hour?

I like to make an entrance.

Found those papers you needed.

See? Right here.

All signed.

Just like they were suppo...

Were. Always had been.

Thank you, but not really important right now.

Riley's in the city somewhere with no wallet, no keys and no phone.

Add bad judgment and a leotard, and that was me in the '80s.

(Laughs)

(Exhales deeply) Okay.

I've gotta keep looking.

If anyone hears anything, let me know.

Dude.

What's going on?

I didn't mean to.

I was just trying to do something great and then...

Oh, my God! What is the matter with you?!

This... this is exactly why I didn't wanna tell you.

Because I knew that you would screw it up.

No matter how great or funny or amazing you thought it was going to be, at the end of the day, I knew you were gonna hurt her!

That's not true.

Ben!

Let's face it, you don't deserve her.

So then who does, Danny?

Who does?

Amy, that's not what I was saying.

No, I... I think it was.

I'm sorry, I don't...

I don't think I can do this anymore.

(Doorknob rattles)

So I think I'm just gonna, um, get my purse and go.

Guests: Surprise!

Amy, wait. Just for a sec.

Danny, what is she...

Surprise!

Okay, seriously, people, give it a rest.

Ben Wheeler! You are a dead man.

Riley, you're okay!

No no no, I'm not okay.

By the time I finally realized that you ditched me, I was in the Bronx. The Bronx, Ben.

I had to beg people for money who were already begging people for money.

Look, I have no idea what your whole plan was, but this is officially the worst birthday ever!

(Breathes deeply)

Okay, now would actually be a good time.

Surprise!

What is going on?

This is your surprise party.

Look, Riley, I'm so so sorry. This wasn't the plan.

Central park, a carriage ride.

Rowboat on the lake and then the party you always wanted.

That was the plan.

Well...

That I might have liked.

Look, I'm sorry, but I just can't do this.

I'm not done.

Oh, really? What else do you have planned?

This may be the dumbest thing I've ever done.

Okay. (Giggles)

Officially...

The best birthday ever.

Happy Birthday, Riley.

Angela?

Hi, Ben.

What are you doing here?

I couldn't do it.

Once your mom showed me her picture, I couldn't walk away again.

I'm sorry, but I think I want Emma back.

(Sighs deeply)

So you're actually okay with your brother and Riley being together?

Yeah.

Why wouldn't I be?

It was kinda my idea.

Look, I'm really sorry about you and Amy.

Yeah. Me too.

I just wish she would have broken up with me before I got this.