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How's the ice cream, kids? Both: Great! Who's ready for a kitten? I am! Make mine calico! Here you go. (MEWING) This whole morning has been wonderful... (KITTEN PURRING) Too wonderful. You're right. This is it! They're selling us to be crash test dummies. Oh, please let it be Volvo. Oh, you children are too suspicious. (QUIETLY) it's go time. (CHUCKLING) It's shot day! (ALL SHRIEKING) Welcome to Hell... man Avenue Medical Plaza. (WHIMPERING) Children, you should be grateful you live in a country where childhood diseases have been practically... Karate! Ow! (CHUCKLING) (GRUNTS) Bart! That hobo skeleton is not a toy! This is ridiculous. Only babies and ex-junkies are afraid of needles. Stick me, Chuckles! (WHIMPERING) Can I have a lollipop? Well, that just leaves Bart. Don't forget Maggie. Oh, I got her when your heads were turned. Got her good! Now, Bart, just look out the window. It'll take your mind off the pain. And when you're done, I've got more lollies. No, thanks. I already helped myself. See you later, inoculator. (CAR SPEEDING AWAY) He can run, but nobody escapes the needle. Charlene, cancel all my appointments. But, I need that kidney now. (SINGING) One way or another I'm gonna find ya. I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha. One way or another I'm gonna win ya. I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha. One way or another I'm gonna see ya. I'm gonna meetcha meetcha meetcha meetcha. One day, maybe next week. I'm gonna meetcha, I'm gonna meetcha I'll meetcha. Black-on-black violence must end. That was for Dr. King. (CHUCKLING) Don't feel bad, Doc. I won't even let my mom clip my toenails. (LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY) (Barney) I guess you're just too smart for me, Bart. What? Ha-ha! Huh? (STRUGGLING) Thanks, Barney. Moe, we won't need you now. Oh. Okay. Well, I really enjoyed being you, Dr. Hibbert. Oh, by the way, you're not welcome in the library no more. I'm sorry. Now, that wasn't so bad, was it, Bart? You know sometimes the fear of... (STATIC CRACKLING) Whoa. Something's wrong! I can't hear! Doctor, perform a diagnosis! Hmm... I'm afraid the inoculation has swollen his ear holes shut. Maybe this would be a good time to talk about the side effects. The boy's hearing should clear up in a day. If it doesn't, call me in the Bahamas. For now, he can express himself with this complimentary pen. Cool. Oh, it's a good pen. Try it out. All right. That was a malpractice waiver, fool! (CHUCKLING) Ha-ha! (AIR HORN BLOWING) Stop it, Homer! Oh... Gimme your wallet, kid! We're gonna identity theft your ass. (STATIC CRACKLING) (INAUDIBLE) He's just standing his ground! He knows that deep down, all bullies are cowards! We're undone! (ALL EXCLAIMING IN FEAR) I know what you're hiding, lad. Willie's been deaf since the boiler explosion of '88. But I taught myself to read lips. Morning, Willie! What did you say about me mother? For your information, her feet stink because she works in manure all day! But it's still the best damn Starbucks in Glasgow! Bart, pass the ketchup. (YELLING) Bart, pass the ketchup! Dad, he's deaf. Oh, sorry, right. Bart, pass the corn! (YELLING) Bart, pass the corn! (SIGHS) I think you should stay home from school tomorrow. But, Mom, tomorrow's the big donkey basketball game. The kids are going to play the teachers! Donkey basketball? Now I've heard everything, unlike you! (LAUGHING) Oh... Everyone remember that for when his hearing comes back. Swish! (CROWD LAUGHING) Welcome, everyone, to the Annual Donkey Basketball game Classic. I'm sure that "mule" enjoy it. Hmm. Tough crowd. Would everyone just rise for our national anthem? (BAND PLAYING NATIONAL ANTHEM) Hey, donkey, you want a carrot? Psych! (LAUGHS) Good Lord! Bart's mooning the flag! Don't look, Buttermilk! (CROWD JEERING) How dare he? That's the flag my grandfather rebelled against! When you insult the flag, you insult my flag tattoo! Uh-oh. (MUTTERING NERVOUSLY) (DONKEY BRAYING) What did you say about my mom! (YELLING) You'll fry up nice tonight! Your child's behavior appalls me not just as a principal, but as a veteran of America's only losing war. To date! I swear, Bart didn't know what he was doing. He was deaf. Oh, sure, Marge. Just like Blind Bart, Wheelchair Bart, Pregnant Bart, and my personal favorite one of all, is Railroad Spike-Through-Head Bart. (LAUGHING) Kids love trains. Hey, fellas, my hearing's back. Congratulations, traitor! Thank you. And let me say I missed your sweet, sweet voices. Cram it, lraqi! (GRUNTS) Why'd you dis the flag? It partied on the moon! Weren't we afraid of him just a few days ago? We're complex. All right, who can take a story and blow it way out of proportion? I'm your man, boss! I want you to over-hype this story so much, it makes the New York Post look like The New York Times. Or The New York Times look like the New York Post. I forget which one the good one is. I did not come to this country illegally to see it mocked. There's the boy who bared his bottom to Old Glory and the family that applauds his every moonery! They hate our country but they love our soapy water. Huh? Hey, Benedict Arnold, our cups don't want your colorful balls! Nobody calls me unpatriotic! (EXCLAIMS) Uh-oh. (GROANS NERVOUSLY) Hey, you guys! Oh, cold shoulder, huh? Well, I'll just talk to myself. "Hey, how are you doing, Homer?" "Oh, not too bad. How about you?" "Oh, I'm fine. Your wife was great in bed last night." "You keep your hands off my wife!" "Oh, yeah? Well, I give her what she needs. And she like..." (CHOKING) "Homer, stop it!" Homer! This bar's only for real Americans and people on permanent visas like me. What? What are you all looking at? I'm Dutch. Ah, forget all of you. (CLOMPING) I'm leaving, too. I'm going to go listen to the President's weekly radio address. And not the rebuttal. Goodbye, Homer. I can't get drunk and vomit next to a guy I don't respect. (SOBBING) Even my best friends have left me. I'm all alone! Lisa: We've become pariahs! In the last two hours, I've gotten 1000 hate spams. (RINGING) Y'ello? Appear on your TV show? Tell our side of the story? You'll see us there? Goodbye? Dial tone? Marge: if there's one way to get the truth out, it's on a cable news channel. When we explain our side of the story, the hate calls will end. I won't have to hear "Suck my such and such" or "hell this" and "bitch that." We get it, Mom! Oh, no, no, let her finish. Look, what should I say to make people not hate me? Son, I've learned one thing in this life. To stay out of trouble just say nothing. Don't rock the boat. Don't even get in the boat! Just buy some ice cream and walk around the pier. But don't go in the bathrooms, they're filthy. Dad, I am going on a talk show, I have to say something. Talk about boats. Then, when he asks you if you hate this country, you just start crying and pretend you don't. But I don't hate this country. There, there. Save your lies for the American public. I'm Nash Castor and it's time to butt heads! Bart Simpson, what do you hate most about this country? Is it the freedom? Nash, I've realized something. I'm the worst kid in the world and the last thing I deserve is forgiveness. But with a little help from Jesus and our fighting men and women overseas... All right. So if I hear you correctly, you're saying America is better than Jesus. Do you agree? Before he can answer, do you? Well, America's not perfect. So America isn't perfect. Is that why you and your son hate us? If by "us" you mean loud mouth talk show hosts, which everyone seems to be in this country, then, yes, I do hate Americans. (GASPS) What did she say? Well, Marge, I'm surprised you haven't been run out of town. I'll have you know I am very well-liked in Springfield! Well, there you have it. Springfield hates America. Now coming up after this commercial, I will be talking even louder! Don't miss it! All over the country tonight, patriotic Americans are denouncing Springfield and its official spokesmen, the Simpsons. I declare today, December 25th, We Hate Springfield Day. (ALL CHEERING) (Tom) Overseas, the reaction tonight is decidedly different. Simpsons be praised! Praise be to Springfield! (ULULATING) But not everyone is ululating tonight. The President announced today he is pointing warheads at... Turn that off. This could destroy our town. Look what happened to Hitler City, North Carolina. If they hadn't changed their name to Charlotte, they'd be sunk. Sir, conventions are pulling out of Springfield left and right. The Paprika Festival, Bandana Days! Sir, we just lost the Adult Video Awards. Not the Boneys! I am honored to announce that we are changing the name of our town to Libertyville! "$17.76"? I can't afford to sell a West Side home for that! But what a fantastical year for pizza by the slice! (HUMMING) (SINGING) Charge a-money for a pizza Buy myself a big-a new car. I'm as patriotic as the next person, but changing the traffic lights to red, white, and blue just seems dangerous. Come on, kid, go! You got the red! (Teenager) Oh, no! Okay, Mr. Teeny, before the cops come, swallow all these illegal pills, then run to the vet. (TEENY CHATTERING) (MUTTERING) "Homeland Noodles with Uncle Sam Balls." Apu, aren't you going a bit overboard with the patriotism? I don't think so. It is a heartfelt expression of my true desire to protect my mahogany noggin. Uh-oh. Poonam and Uma are fighting. No, no. Those are their pre-witch hunt names. Their new names are Freedom, Lincoln, Condoleezza, Coke, Pepsi, Manifest Destiny, Apple Pie and Superman. And together, we are the MacGillicuddys. (ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) Lord, give us the courage to worship the American flag, be it on a car, a belt buckle, or on your holy person. Bart: Ay, caramba! I'd like to say something about the current climate of repression and fear. Oh, put a cork in it. Sit down, Saddam! "Congress shall make no law" "abridging the freedom of speech or of the press." That's from the First Amendment to the Constitution. Thank you. Thank you, Lisa. I'm sure your opinion will not go unnoticed. (HELICOPTER WHIRRING) (GUNS COCKING) Simpsons, you are under arrest for the violation of the Government Knows Best Act. Martha, play something to lighten the mood. (PLAYING TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME) (SINGING) Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks. I don't care... Ow! I can't believe they put us in jail! It's not a jail. It's a reeducation center. Well, where do you think we are? Well, let's see. After they blindfolded us, it was left-right-left, then a three-hour plane ride. Do you get time off for snitching on your cellmates? You were right, Homie. We shouldn't have rocked the boat. Then none of this would have ever happened. Well, we're not the only ones to be unjustly imprisoned. Check out all the left-wing celebrities. Elmo go to wrong fundraiser. Bill Clinton? What are you doing here? I called the Republican tax cuts unwise. And I stand by it. They're unwise. I want my Washington Post! Here's your Washington Post! You like that, Clinton? You traitors pipe down! You're all here because you hate freedom! I'm here because I said imported wines are better than Napa Valley! Yeah? Well, why don't you take a "napa"? (GRUNTS) My only crime was driving a truck full of explosives in from Canada. Oh... I don't know why they put the real ones in with the joke ones. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) (FLUTE PLAYING) Hello, I'm the U. S. Constitution. And I'm over 200 years old. But I'm feeling fine. I wish I could say the same for my crazy cousin, Bill O'Rights. (SLURRING) What did I do? What did I do? (BOTH LAUGHING) Lisa, that's not funny. You believe in the Bill of Rights. I don't know whether it's the lack of sleep, the sodium pentothal, or that it's the only cartoon I've seen in two months. But this is what I believe in now. Oh, Homer, we've gotta get out of here. Yeah, yeah. Next commercial. I know a way out. Who are you? I'm the last registered Democrat. Tax and spend! Tax and spend! (LAUGHS CRAZILY) Now, if you want to escape, you can do it during the prison talent show tomorrow night. I don't want to be in any stupid talent show. Not without my Tennessee walking horses. Well, you got no choice. It's the only way you'll achieve your goal. Goal! Sweet, sweet goal! Ninety-seven, 98, 99, 100! (CHEERING) Thank you. Vote for me for best in show. You guys are on after Al Franken. So the guards would have used up most of their bullets. Make your break at the end of your act. Now, people have accused this family of not loving our country, but you can't spell USA without "us," hey? (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC STARTING) (SINGING) Oh, beautiful for spacious skies. For amber waves of grain (FAST MUSIC PLAYING) Fifty stars and 13 stripes. Okay, kids, show off your pipes. Americans are brave and loyal. So come on jerks, give us your oil. My card here says ACLU Now look what I'm going to do. To love our country is no chore. Wait right here for our encore (CROWD CHEERING) We mean it, don't move! (ALL LAUGHING) They've escaped! Okay, kids, show off your pipes. Dad, why are you still singing that stupid song? Because if they catch us, we may have to do it again. And this time I want it tight. D'oh! What genius put a prison on the middle of an island? Does everyone remember their swimming lessons? Yes. Yes. No. Great. Dive in! (COCKS GUN) Hold your fire. That walrus will eat them. No, that's the dad. But he's eating a seal. Swim toward San Francisco! I'm not made of money! We'll swim to Oakland. (FOGHORN BLOWING) There's a ship! We're saved! Oh, what's the use? Even if they pick us up, we'll go back to jail because they think we hate America. I don't want to end up like Elmo, hanging himself in prison. Mes amis, we hate America, too! Come to France and we shall mock the country that saved us twice from the Germans! I've always wanted to go to France. Your women don't age. Like Catherine Deneuve. Eh, you wait till you see her up close, then you tell me. Maman, please pass the baguette. The food is so delicious here. And these Chanel suits are five for a dollar. I'm using a jacket as a napkin! And here no one calls me a fat jerk! I'm a gourmand! And yet I miss America. I miss America, too. The United States has its grandeur and its follies, but mostly, it's the place where all our stuff is. I wish we could go back. But I don't think we're welcome there. No, Marge, there's one group that's always welcome in America, immigrants without IDs! (SHIP'S HORN BLASTING) Well, kids, this is the first chapter of our brand new lives in America. Name? Simpson. From now on, you're the Simps. That'll save time. Now kids, it'll take us a while to assimilate. I'll start out as a cop, and with time, become a dirty cop. I think I'm going to like this America. (SINGING) Everywhere around the world. They're coming to America. Every time that flag's unfurled. They're coming to America. Got a dream to take them there. They're coming to America.