Once Bitten (Archer)

Rat Patrol! God, that was killing me. So yeah, these exact same jeeps, only with fifty-cal machine guns on the back, and the Rat Patrol just tore ass all over North Africa, hassling Rommel. How did you never see that show? I was probably here, digging this goddamn jeep outta this goddamn sand! Hey don't yell at me, I'm not the idiot who got us stuck! You were driving! So yes, you are exactly the idiot who got us stuck! Well whatever, the Rat Patrol drove through way deeper sand than this. Ya know Although I think one guy's backstory was that he'd been like, a bootlegger? But Kentucky's not all sand-duney, so-- Can you at least get out of the jeep?! Yes. Well?! Hang on? But only because taking a dump on Turkmenistan is on my bucket list. A true citizen of the world. Right? I mean shut up? Is damn. Okay, I guess this'll have to do. Noooop! You're not using the map for that! Hey, I'm not the idiot who didn't -- I mean, I also didn't think to bring toilet paper, but I'm not, ya know An idiot. Exactly. Right, because an idiot wouldn't wipe his ass with our only map. No, an idiot would wipe his ass with our only compass. Wait, which is where?! Who am I, Lewis and-or Clark? Archer. Well the last time I saw it was on the bar in the Athens airport, but -- God damn it! Yeah, I doubt it's still there. A sticky-fingered people, the Greeks. Well you're not! Using the map! Okay! - Jesus Wh-? Noooo no no no no! - Well it's this or the map, so - Great, we'll just tell him his money's out in the desert covered with shit. There's still ninety-five grand in the bag! - And if what's-his-name - Gorbagun Gorbanguly. Really? Yes, really. And you can have a hundred. What? Cyril, since what, Monday, I've had nothing but ouzo and lamb. C'mon, I need at least a thousand. Three hundred. Oh for -- eight hundred! Five. Seven! Seven, and you dig out the jeep. Okay, deal. But I take the map. No! We just went over -- To read! Now c'mon, hurry up! The lambs are screaming! Hey be careful, there might be snakes! Not even gonna swing at that one. Ha ha. I'm talking about cobras. What do you know about cobras, Cyril? I know the Caspian cobra, which is indigenous to Turkmenistan, is often light brown with darker ventral bands. Well goody, you win cobra-knowing. Dukes, it's gonna be dark soon. How far is it? I dunno, I need to look at the -- God damn it, Archer! What, I said I needed a thousand! Bet three hundred bucks seems pretty cheap for a map right about nyowwww! So hey, so yeah, did you say light brown with darker whateveral bands? Ventral bands, on -- wait, why? Eh. Just curious. "Curious" meaning what, exactly? Uh, meaning odd or strange? First of all, Turkmenistan isn't-- Or how about just sexist and stupi -- Enough! Please, we've talked about this, it's not even eight-thirty. Let me get settled before you clomp in here in one of your jealous snits. One of my -- wait, whoa, clomp? Yes, Lana, clomp, meaning-- I know what clomp means! - Your clompin' ass oughta know Wh-? Seriously, I bet your downstairs neighbors hate you. For your information. The Flatows are always incredibly polite to me. That's because the Flatows think they live under a frickin AT-AT. Zhwizz-clonk! Zhwizz-clonk! Zhwizz -- Okay! Whereas this one, almost impossibly light on her feet. It's like if you've ever seen Jackie Gleason dance. So, is that a compliment, or -- I don't see how it possibly could be. Okay. Nor do I see how you could possibly think that you're at all suited to a covert mission in Turkmenistan. Why, because I'm black, or because I'm a woman? Wh-? Pick one! I mean look, I don't want to sound racist, but -- But you're gonna power through it. Not about you, about Turkmenistan! Lana, this is a Central Asian, maledominated, xenophobic puppet-state whose dictator changed the words for bread and Friday to his dog's name. Gurpgork. Yes, Gurpgor -- how did you know that? Oh my God how did I know that?! Okay. And all that crazy is sitting on top of an ocean of oil and natural gas. Making this pipeline crucial to the Russians, which is why we're paying Gurbanguly to hinder construction. Wh-? Wait, so now we're paying people to blow up oil pipelines?! See? Another reason I didn't send you. What, the environment?! Of what, this litterbox? Or Western Europe? Because T-72 tanks aren't exactly known for their low emissions. I want it officially on record that I am strongly opposed to this mission. What record? Aww, can I at least put something in the newsletter? Wh-? You're not still doing that?! No? Yes! No! Please! Just pretend I'm -- who's your go-to movie star, ya know, for -- Lorne Greene. - Wow. - Yeah. Bonanza or Battlestar? Duh. So, I come to the Ponderosa looking for ranch work, but my chaps get torn and Hop Sing -- Ray? Time's kind of a factor here. I am not. Ever. Sucking your taint. Okay, so Cyril Better chapstick it up, buddy. First of all, not only does sucking out the venom not help the snakebite victim, it can also envenom the -- Taint-sucker, that's you, let's go. And second of all, the venom's not there anymore, it's pumping through your veins to your heart and brain. My -- well put a tourniquet on me! You can't tourniquet the taint. But -- wait is my dick gonna be okay?! Well the danger there is cytotoxins, which can cause severe necrosis. Nec -- so my dick's gonna fall off?! Maybe. Aaagh! But the bigger danger is the neuro and cardiotoxins, which can cause respiratory failure, cardiac arrest -- Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! So the most important thing is for you to stay calm. Ew. - Oh boy - What, that's good right? If my body's throwing up the poison? It might be. If you had drunk it. Jesus H. Thirst, speaking of Ray, back pocket down there, flask. Wh-? No, alcohol's a vasodilator! It's the absolute worst possible thing you can do for a snakebite! Well maybe for regular people. Cyril, it's already full of cobra venom, now's not the time for any more chemical changes to my blood! Okay, give it to him. Wh-? Gimme that! Here, baby. It's half empty! That's still way more than you-- Just shut up and -- Dig. I'm not doing super great. Well I could use some help! I would, but I can't feel my hands. I meant Ray! Who's just standing there Ray, dammit, on bionic legs! Oh right. God damn it, Ray! I forgot! How do you forget you have bionic legs?! I, ya know, are you constantly aware you have regular leg bones?! No, you're -- Just pick up the goddamn jeep! He said, suddenly all pro-bionic. Okay, on three. One, two, threeaagh! Ray? What is that, what're you doing?! - My back my back my back my back - Are you shitting me?! Bionic legs, and you lifted with your back?! Cyril, my gun's in the gear bag, could you hand it to me, please? To use as a signal? Yeah, maybe. If there's any bullets left after I murder both of you. Wh-? Why me?! It's number two on my bucket list. What's number one? Going to one of those things where they make some record-breakingly huge kind of food, like a frittata the size of a hockey rink. And then eating a piece, and then laughing, because I murdered you. Krieger, I need you to -- Krieger, Krieger? Yep! Yep yep yep! Whatever unspeakable thing you're doing back there can wait -- - Well, you say that - Yes I do, and I just did, so come on, I need you in the control room. Because they should have checked in by now. So keep trying to reach them on the sat-phone, and if that doesn't work try to get satellite photos on the next pass. And not a word of this to anyone, especially -- Lanaaa! I thought I heard self-righteous clomping. Can I help you? Funny, I was just gonna ask you that. No, we're fine. Aren't we, Krieger? Yes? So, the mission? Going as planned? Yes, as a matter of fact they just this minute checked in. All good. Uh-huh. "Uh-huh. " Ugh, have you ever heard such a superior, know-it-all tone? Oh, you're serious? Yes! - No! - Cyril! I can't move, Archer's Oh. Well, very nearly dead, so -- I'm not calling for an extraction! Look, just because Lana makes you feel insecure in your masculinity -- Mascu -- look who's talking! Oh for -- Cyril, when I was ten years old I killed a bear. Nuh-uh really? With a bow. And then Daddy made me take a big ol' bite out of its heart. Oh my God! That is horrible! No shit, I was bawling my eyes out. But he kept slapping me until I did it. - Jesus - Seriously. No wonder you're gay. And Cyril if you call ISIS, I will literally literally, murder you alright. I'd rather die than sit through another one of Lana's big "I told you so's. " At least you get to bang her. Well, you seem to be feeling better. Hang on. Gay-vy Crockett, boom, nailed it. But no, I'm pretty sure I'm dying. So since you're too pussy to call for an extraction I'm digging, I'm digging! Well wait, hang on. Because unless I'm hallucinating There's a Landcruiser over there flipping his highbeams at us. You're hallucinating. Oh. Well the good news is, we don't have to worry about these alligators. That's not actually good news, is it. No. No it is not. Okay later, gator! No no no no no, what is the meaning of this?! I'm sorry, James Mason! But he just won't stop tooting that darn tooter! Mr. Archer, I'm afraid I must ask you to cease your insufferable tooting-- This instant. Fine by me. I hate opera. Almost as much as I hate hoodies, what the hell's going on here? Oh no, not hell, Mr. Archer, this is -- Hey. Cut-rate James Mason. I got kicked out of Episcopal prep school. Twice. So if there is a heaven -- Oh, I'm sorry, nor is this heaven. Well no, obviously it's not heaven -- No, it's a -- -- because Janis Joplin's not giving me a rim job. Way station, I beg your pardon? Right? Sorry, a cobra bit my taint. - Yes. - I'm not myself. Aren't you? Are I? Are you, indeed. Would you like to know who Sterling Archer really is? No? Why not? Why won't you guys stand up to Malory with me about blowing up the pipeline? Mmmmmmmmmmmcuz we don't give a shit? About the earth?! Oh please, if you really cared you'd resign, but there's no way you ever will because you're just counting the days until, her face bloated and yellow from liver failure, she calls you to her deathbed and, in a croaky whisper, explains that Mr. Archer is totally incompetent and that you, the long-suffering Lana Kane, are the only one qualified to run ISIS, and you weep shameful tears, because you know this terrible place is the only true love you will ever know. Excuse me. - Daaamn - What? Oh my God, was I talking? Who the hell is he talking to? - James Mason - Oh. Maybe that's his Lorne Greene. James Mason, why are we in Baltimore?! I thought you might like some insight into how you became the man you are. No, I would absolutely not like some -- Sterling Archer, age eighteen. . The most recruited prep school lacrosse player in America Visiting Baltimore for the weekend, to decide if he will accept a full athletic scholarship to Johns Hopkins. Whooooo! - Yeah, so we don't need to see how - At a stop on the train ride from New York you struck out the major league homerun champion, Slammer Sloan. Whooooo! Well obviously, I was awesome, but I-- Drew the attention of a beautiful woman named Ruth Ann Litzenberger Qui était, vraiment, une femme fatale. And who followed you here, to this very hotel in Baltimore, - and sent you a note, to come to her room - Look, seriously -- Woooooo! Wait, how did you know I was staying -- What's going on here? Sterling? Will you be the best there ever was in the game? Wh-?! - Uh - Noooo! Duh. Yeah, sooo I don't know if you're deaf or just an asshole or both, but I'm pretty sure I said I didn't wanna see this. But Sterling, do you not see how the actions of a deeply disturbed woman have profoundly influenced your life? Well obviously! I mean -- Oh, you mean my lacrosse career ending because a crazy stalker gut-shot me. Do I? I don't know, James Mason! Do you?! Besides, what freakin' movie is this? What's next, Mr. Gower slaps me deaf?! C'mon, you're all over the road here! Well?! Well what?! I'm doing the best I can! If that's the best you can do -- gaagh! Just kill your -- gaagh! Wh-? Are you bouncing on purpose?! No, I'm trying to get Archer to whatever passes for a doctor around here before it's too late! Sounds like a plan, James Mason. And maybe if you shut up I can concentrate on the rowaaaghhhhh! Gaagh! What the shit was that?! A camel. Well great, now we've both killed a large animal! Drive around it! I, uh don't think that's an option. Hey check it out, Fred and Barney, we're at the Water Buffalo Lodge! Krieger, any word from Sterling? Yep! Yep yep yep! Well? What did they say? Oh. I mean nope. Nope nope nope. But, ya know, I'm sure they're fine. Wait, no! I had the right of way! Gaagh! Seriously, I get that you're upset but I think I have a pinched nnngghhh! Gaaagh! Now just a darn minute! - We're Americ -- Hello - Yeah. Way to not call it in. I beg your pardon? Yeah, you should. And I'm outta here. I'm afraid that isn't possible. Oh really? And why is -- Comin through! C'mon, make a hole! Phrasing, boom. Boom. Scholarship to Johns Hopkins. Mmm. Bit of a moot point though, really, given your SAT scores. Goodbye, James Mason. No, you -- Mr. Archer, wait! Please, here! Here's forty-three hundred dollars, surely that's enough for a camel. Ah, baksheesh! Baksheesh, exactly, but our friend okay, snake is oh, okay, so "Our friend was bitten by a snake" is Ozum jora? Bishlemek gurpgork? Etmek bishlemek gurpgork. Wh-? No, no! I mean Yok,yok. No, no! Mr. Archer, please! You please, cut-rate James Mason! - And then shut up, because I'm going - Home. Goddammit. Or what is it? Gurpgork! Ah! Gowushmak eshek gurpgork! Wh-? No! Yok! Not that Gurpgork! Rawr, rawr! Ah, Gurpgork! Patysha alabai! Ah, Gurpgork! Hawa hawa! Gurpgork! Gurpgork. How's it the same word for bread and snake and Friday and that damn dog?! How the hell should I know?! Because you have an entire satellite array at your disposal, you idiot! Yeah, I don't actually know how any of this works. But -- That was the fat guy, you killed. Oh, and just so you know? I do know what true love is, so yeah. What in God's name was that about? She'd probably ruin the wedding. Come on, what the hell is this? I thought you'd like to see something. I've seen poverty, I've been to oh, how's it going in Turkmenistan? Mmmmm, not great. TURKMENI Cyril, just draw a snake! Oh right. Okay, uh doo doo doo elliptical head, oblique dorsal scales, symmetric sub-caudal scalation, darker ventral bands, obviously okay, here we go. Wh-? What is wrong with you people?! What's wrong with you? Gimme that! Here! Tada. A Snake! - Oh that's crap - TURKMENI Gurpgork?! Dishlemek gurpgork?! I -- wanna say duh, but - What's the point? C'mon, this is stupid, I don't need to see this, I remember all of it. Do you? - Yeah - Yeah I mean, that's me, I'm like Six. I'm six today, it's my birthday. And your Mother isn't home, is she? No, she had to -- look, Guatemala's democratically elected government wasn't gonna overthrow itself. Mmm. And with Woodhouse, shall we say, indisposed There was no one to give you a birthday present. - I wait, no, yeah, I got - Derman! Derman gurpgork! Derman gurpgork etmek! No, I don't think he can keep bread down No, I think it's-- Derman is medicine! Derman gurpgork! I think it's antivenom! Gimme! Yok, yok! Kop kop kop baksheesh. Oh. He wants a lot lot lot of money. So? We've got ninety-five grand! But that's for the mission, to -- Blow up a frickin oil pipeline? Wait, really? Cyril, what did you think she meant by "hinder construction?" Oh. Do you ever think maybe we're kinda not always a hundred percent of the time doing the right thing? Do you ever shut up and give that man-bear twenty-five grand so you and I can split the other seventy? Yes, yes I do. I got a yeah, I got an alligator! Hello, Sterling. Your mother doesn't know I'm here, but I wanted to bring you a birthday present. I hope you like alligators. - I do - I did Thank you, sir. But who are you? Sterling, I am your real father. Archer? Buck Henry? Oh my God, Cyril! Ray! I know -- You're okay! Hey, we gave you the antivenom. Cyril, shut your dickhole. Jesus, God. I know who my real father was. Well? Who was he? Hewasugh Now it's gone. God dammit.