The Singin' Dancin' Duncans

Ready, Charlie? Let's show Gabe what you've learned. - Okay. - Okay. - What's the opposite of up? - Down. - Yeah. What's the opposite of big? - Little. - What's the opposite of good? - Gabe. And here is your cookie. Teddy, you'll be out of the house in two years. Then it's just you and me. Thanks for the ride home, Fran. Should I pick you up tomorrow? Nope, not working tomorrow. Gotta get ready for the big hospital benefit. You know me, Fran win-the-talent-show- every-year culpepper. Mostly we just call you Fran And some other things. This year I'll be sharing the stage with all the culpeppers. We're a wonderfully talented family. And I assume your family will be in the audience again? Actually, Fran, my family will also be performing. - We will? - Yes, we will. Well, may the best family win. That's our plan, Fran. All right, Duncans, get your butts in here now! Oh, the sweet sound of my lovely bride's voice. I have great news. The entire Duncan family is going to compete in this year's hospital talent show. Cool. What's the great news? Come on, you guys, how can we lose? We have the world's most perfect baby. I mean look at that face. What happened to your face? I don't know, mom. I think I'm busy, uh, whatever night the stupid thing is. - Yeah, me too. - Oh really, you guys are too busy? Well, did I happen to mention that the grand prize is a two-day pass to super adventure land? Super adventure land? - The funnest place on earth? - Fran's going down. Fran's going down. Fran's going d Forgot my keys. - You have a great evening, Fran. - Okay. Fran's going down. Today's all burnt toast running late, and dad says has anybody seen my left shoe? I close my eyes, take a bite grab a ride, laugh out loud there it is up on the roof I've been there, i've survived so just take my advice hang in there, baby things are crazy but I know your future's bright hang in there, baby there's no maybe everything turns out all right your life is up and down but trust me, it comes back around you're gonna love who you turn out to be hang in there, baby. Thanks for walking me to class, ray-ray. Anytime, I-I. Well, looks like you're getting pretty cozy with Raymond. Ray-ray. That's what I call him. I'm gonna stick with Raymond. Aw, look at those two. We could be double-dating if you were still - going out with Spencer. - Oh, you mean spence-spence? Hi, having a party tonight. Hope you can make it. Hi, having a party tonight. Hope you can make it. Hi Hi, having a party tonight. Hope you can make it. Something tells me Lynette doesn't want me at her party. Well, if she doesn't want my best friend, she's not getting me. Or me. That's kind of where we started. Okay, class. This is a very exciting time of year Mock court. We're going to learn how our justice system works by having our own trial right here in class. - Teddy, you'll be the prosecuting attorney. - Yes! Somebody's going down. Who's it gonna be? Lynette, you'll be the defendant. And the system works. Spencer, you'll be the defense lawyer. Walter, you'll be the judge. Yes! I can already taste the power. That one might be a mistake. Ivy, you'll be the witness for the prosecution. And the rest of you will make up the jury. If anyone needs me, I'll be at my desk finishing my sudoku. Hey, "counselor. " I gotta warn you, my dad's a lawyer, so I might have an advantage. Oh yeah. No, I'm not worried. - My dad's an exterminator. - What does that mean? I'm gonna crush you like a bug. - Hey, where'd you get the dummy? - I bought it online. - I wasn't talking to you. - Ha ha ha ha. I'm gonna put him in my car. That way I can use the carpool lane when I'm making kwikki chikki deliveries. Huh? So people can get their crummy chicken quicker? Right. Everybody wins. Well, except the people who eat the chicken. And the chickens. I guess I'm the only one who really wins. You know, I'm getting an idea here. You bought this piece of junk online, right? Who are you talking to? I'm talking to you now. Oh, yeah yeah, I bought him online. Well, maybe there's people out there who wanna buy our junk. Not following you. I'm saying if there's people stupid enough to buy dummies, maybe they're stupid enough to buy our crummy stuff. - Still talking to me? - Ugh. Now, miss wentz, please tell the court what happened next. - My ray-ray misses me with seven exclamation points. Ivy, focus. Mm, ray-ray says I look hot today, but only with six exclamation points. - Should I be worried? - Moving on. Okay. Now let's talk about what you're going to wear on the stand. You don't want to be too flashy. T, you've seen my closet. It's mostly zebra stripes and leopard print. And those are my church clothes. Okay, well, then you're gonna have to go through - your mom's closet. - What? You want me to wear my mom's clothes to school? - Mm-hmm. - In front of my boyfriend? I've had this dream. It did not end well. Ivy, for one day you can tone it down. Then you have the rest of the school year to dress like the animal of your choice. Oh, it's getting late. I gotta go. It's my dad's birthday. Oh sorry, one more thing. When you're on the stand tomorrow, you have to be very serious. - It wouldn't hurt to cry a little. - Don't worry. If I'm wearing my mom's clothes, I'll be crying. Okay, this is our number for the show. P. J. , hit it. We're the singin' dancin' Duncans quite a happy bunch we will always work together breakfast, din and lunch you will always see us smiling evening, noon and morn we all start our day the very same way when Charlie blows her horn. And Charlie blows her horn. What do you think? It's a two-day pass to super adventure land, right? That is correct. Okay, now I'm going to show you the dance that goes along with it. The first move very simple. I call it the chug, kind of like what a train does. A-one, two, three. A-one, two, three. And a-one, two, three. Okay, you guys line up and you do it. - Daddy in front. - All right. - P. J., Teddy, Gabe. - Okay. - I guess dad's the engine. - I hope so. If he's the caboose, this train's not getting very far. The engine has ears, guys And feelings. Okay, ready? A-five, six, seven, eight. And one, two, three. And one, two, three. - And honey, you're not moving your feet. - Sorry. Okay, now you're not moving your arms. Honey, this is hard. Dad, it's just like patting your head and rubbing your stomach. That must be really depressing for you. Okay, let's assume we got the train into the station somehow. Okay, this next part is a little tricky, so watch carefully. I'm gonna break it down. Ready? Five, six, seven, eight. Touch, step, pas de bourree. Kick, step, together, front and passe. Turn, wait, ba-bam! Now we're gonna sass it up a bit. A-shoulder shoulder, tap tap. Turn around and uh uh. And whammy, and whammy, and whammy. Ah ooh ooh! Okay, now I want you to do exactly what I just did. And a-five, six, seven, eight. One, two What are you waiting for? I can't believe how much money we're making selling our old junk online. It's easier than taking candy from a baby. I mean, I should know. I take candy from Charlie all the time. What's what's with all the bubble wrap? Uh really fun to pop? Hey, anybody seen my bowling ball? You loaned it to Mr. dabney. I think I would have remembered that. You're starting to lose it, dad. I mean the next thing you know, - you're not gonna remember where your slippers are. - Yeah. Come to think of it, where where are my slippers? Dude, we gotta be more careful. Sooner or later, dad's gonna know he's missing stuff. - I wouldn't worry about that. - Why not? I just sold his glasses. Oh no, this is terrible. And there's nothing we can do, you say? Thanks for calling, Fran. Bob, I can't believe this. - The benefit's been canceled. - What? - And after all that work you and the kids did. - Oh man. You know, I was getting pretty good at that turn, wait, bam! - Ba-bam. - Ba-bam. Honey, could you tell the kids? - I don't have the heart. - Yeah, sure thing. I don't have the heart to cook dinner either. No problem. We go out. Okay, we go out. You're so good. He bought that, right? Is this what you wanted? - Yeah, it's fine. - It'd better be. A kid on the bus called me ma'am. Hey, how come you didn't text me back last night? Oh, my phone must have been off. Right, yeah, that's what I figured. - And so I called your house. - You did? Yes yes, I did. And you weren't there. - I wasn't? - No no, you weren't. And so I wished your dad a Happy Birthday and then he said, "my birthday's not for six months. " Is this class ever gonna start? - How are you doing, Ivy? - Hey, Lynette. Ugh. Since when are you two so friendly? What are you talking about? No. - No, you didn't. - What? You went to Lynette's party last night. - Nuh-uh! - Oh, don't you nuh-uh me. - I'll nuh-uh whoever I want to nuh-uh. - Nuh-uh! Okay, so if you weren't at Lynette's party last night, - then where were you? - That is none of your business. No, see, it is my business because you lied to me. This is not over. Unbelievable. And they say government is a boring class. They're right. Your witness, counselor. Miss wentz, please tell us in your own words what you observed on the afternoon of the 23rd. Well, I was working at the bank, teller window two, when a lady approached and slipped me a threatening note. Hmm. And do you see that person here in this courtroom? Yeah. She's right there. Hmm. And have you seen this person anywhere else recently? Like at a party? A party I wasn't invited to? Objection. What does this have to do with anything? I'll allow it since I wasn't invited either. Now, miss wentz, did you or did you not go to Lynette's party? I don't want to answer that. You have to. You're under oath. No, I did not go to the party. - Well, then where did you go? - I was out With Spencer. Order! Wait, so - so you're dating Spencer? - I object! - I object. - Now I object. I'm not dating him. I'm dating him. I withdraw my objection, - see you tonight, baby. - You know it, ray-ray. Wait, so why were you out with my ex-boyfriend? I was hanging out with Raymond. And he wanted to hang out with Spencer. I felt weird about it, but I went along. And I didn't tell you because I knew you wouldn't like it. Why wouldn't she like it? You said we're friends, right? Oh please, everyone says that after they break up. - So we're not friends? - No, of course we are. Okay, I'm confused. Are we friends or not? If we are, then why are you mad that I was hanging out with Ivy? No no, I'm not mad! Okay, I'm mad because I Well, because Look, I'm not the one on trial here. Let's take a recess. I lost the gavel in my robe. I just got a very interesting phone call from Fran culpepper. She wanted to make sure your mom baked enough cookies for tonight's benefit. That is interesting. Why is that interesting? Because if the benefit was really cancelled, like your mom said, why would Fran culpepper need cookies? Ah, I see where you're going with this. Mom baked cookies and she didn't tell us. Uh, going somewhere? Charlie can't sleep, so I thought I'd take her out for a drive. A little dolled up, aren't we? Thank you. I always try to look my best. - Hey. - Hey. Can I come in? Whatever. I got you something. His name is Berry sowwy. See, 'cause it's a strawberry and I'm sowwy Berry sowwy. Wow, looks like you felt real bad Oh, 99Â¢ bad. Actually I found it on the bus. - Do you forgive me? - Well, I don't know. I'm very mad at you. Well, stop being mad. I don't like it. I know. I don't like it either. I know I messed up. It's just I've never had a boyfriend before. - I didn't know what to do. - Look, Ivy, there are gonna be times when you have a boyfriend and I don't or when I have a boyfriend and you don't. - I like it better the first way. - Okay. But the point is since we're best friends forever, no matter what, we have to be honest with each other. You're so right. And from here on out, I promise to always be honest with you. - We good? - Yeah, we're good. We're good. - Oh, so did we win the trial? - What do you think? The prosecutor ran out and the star witness forgot everything she was supposed to say. - We're a good team. - Oh yeah. Oh yes. And now, please welcome our next act: The singin' dancin' Duncans! Hi, everybody. My name is Amy Duncan and I'd like for you to meet the rest of my wonderful family: My husband Bob, my son P. J., our daughter Teddy Hey, did you forget about me? Who could forget about Gabe? And last, and certainly the cutest, Charlie! And together we're the singin' dancin' Duncans! We're the singin' dancin' Duncans quite a happy bunch we will always stick together you will always see us smiling evening, noon and morn Hi, guys. Look, I know you're all probably really mad at me. Oh, honey, we're not mad anymore. You're not? Come on, we know how you are. Everybody has flaws. I know. And mine is despite all my wonderful talents I have yet to be discovered. Well, I'm just so glad you've all forgiven me. Yeah, of course. And as far as the whole fake-family thing goes, we've completely moved on. Fresh-baked cookies made from scratch. - Who's this? - Our new mom. Okay, you got me. Fake mom, you can go home now. No way! We love fake mom. - She cooks. She cleans. - She even changes diapers. Diapers? Really? Ha, welcome to the family. Well, Charlie, if there's one thing your big sis wants you to know, it's that it's important to always tell the truth. That's right, honesty is always the best policy. - True dat. Yep. - Uh, guys? - Yep? - Where's the dryer? - I told you they'd notice. - Just keep walking. - Hey, dad, are they in trouble? - Oh yeah. Your brothers are gonna need some good luck, Charlie. True dat. Your honor, this woman replaced her family just because they have no rhythm. Now given the horrible nature of this crime, I request the maximum punishment. And so do I. What are you doing? You're my attorney. Do you remember that time you made me eat all my broccoli? Who's laughing now? Huh. Your honor, we are ready for the verdict. How do you find the defendant? Guilty, mommy!