Chocolate With Nuts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Chocolate With Nuts" from season 3, which aired on June 1, 2002.

Plot
SpongeBob is sitting in a mailbox humming a tune and looking at his watch as the mailman comes up and opens the mailbox] SpongeBob: Hi mailman! [mailman screams and runs as he drops the mail by the mailbox] Ok, see you tomorrow! Patrick: Hey, the mail’s here. What did you get? SpongeBob: Let’s see...Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary... [throws the mail behind him that isn't his] Hey, a magazine. That’s funny. I don’t remember subscribing to 'Fancy Living Digest'. [both look inside the magazine] SpongeBob & Patrick: Whoa! SpongeBob: Look at these glossy depictions of a higher standard of living. This guy’s so rich, he has a swimming pool in his swimming pool. Patrick: This guy’s got shoes! [Squidward comes up and grabs the magazine] Squidward: Give me that! Stealing my mail, eh? You’re lucky I don’t report you to the authorities. SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, how do people in that magazine get all that money? Squidward: They’re entrepreneurs, they sell things to people? SpongeBob: What kind of things? Squidward: How should I know? Things people want to buy. Now keep your paws off my mail. [walks off] SpongeBob: That’s it, Patrick! We got to become entrepreneurs! Patrick: Is that gonna hurt? SpongeBob: Quick Patrick, without thinking, if you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be? Patrick: Uhh...more time for thinking. SpongeBob: No, something real, an item, something you would pay for. Patrick: A chocolate bar? SpongeBob: That’s a great idea, Patrick! We’ll be traveling chocolate bar salesmen. [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick walking out of Barg-N Mart with a bunch of chocolate bars] Here we go! Patrick: Make way for a couple of entrepreneurs! SpongeBob: Ok Patrick, this is it. The first step on our road to living fancy. Just follow my lead. [walk up to a house and knocks on the door. Tom opens the door] Good afternoon, sir. Could we interest you in some chocolate? Tom: Chocolate? Did you say...chocolate? Patrick: Yes sir! With or without nuts. [holds up two different chocolate bars] Tom: Chocolate? Chocolate! [SpongeBob and Patrick back up after seeing the craziness in Tom] CHOCOLATE!! CHOCOLATE!! CHOCOLATE!! [SpongeBob and Patrick run away as Tom chases after them] CHOCOLATE!! CHOCOLATE!! [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick walking up to another house] SpongeBob: Ok, that first guy didn’t count. This is our real first step. [door opens] Hello sir, would you like to buy some chocolate? Salesman: Chocolate bars, eh? SpongeBob: Yes sir, we are chocolate bar salesmen. Salesman: [chuckles] A couple of mediocre salesmen if you ask me. That’s no way to carry your merchandise. [scene shows Patrick with a bunch of chocolate bars stuffed in his pants] No, no, no, wrong. You guys want to be good salesmen, right? SpongeBob & Patrick: Oh, most certainly, sir! Salesman: Well, no self-respecting candy bar salesman would be caught dead without one of these! [holds up an orange bag] SpongeBob: Wow...what is it? Salesman: It’s a candy bar bag, you knucklehead. It’s specially designed to cradle each candy bar in velvet-lined comfort. But, I’m wasting my time. You boys don’t need these bags. SpongeBob & Patrick: We need them, we need them! [the man grins. Scene cuts to SpongeBob giving some money to the man. SpongeBob & Patrick walk off with their arms full of the orange bags] Salesman: So long boys! Happy hunting! [chuckles] Suckers. SpongeBob & Patrick: Fancy living, here we come! La la la la la! [the two walk to the next house] SpongeBob: Let’s try next door! [SpongeBob uses his foot to ring the doorbell. The man from before answers] Salesman: Yes? SpongeBob: Huh? Say, weren’t you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags? Salesman: I don’t recall. But it looks to me you fellas have got a lot of bags there. You two lady-killers are too smart to be without my patented candy bar bag carrying bags. [holds up two larger red bags] Patrick: We’ll take 20. [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick with two big red bags at another house. SpongeBob knocks on Sadie's house] Sadie: Oh, what can I do for you two nice young men? SpongeBob: We’re selling chocolate bars. Would you like to buy one? Sadie: That sounds heavenly. I’ll take one. [SpongeBob unzips his red bag] SpongeBob: One chocolate bar coming up! [unzips the bag but another orange bag comes out. Laughs nervously as he keeps trying to find the chocolate bar but only finds more orange bags. Patrick unzips his pants up and down] I know they’re in here somewhere... Sadie: I don’t have time for this. [closes the door] SpongeBob: I got it! One chocolate bar for the nice... Tom: Chocolate!! [SpongeBob and Patrick run off. Tom chases after them] Chocolate!! Chocolate!! Chocolate!! [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick sitting in a diner] SpongeBob: We’re not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new tactic! Patrick: Umm, I got it. Let’s get naked! SpongeBob: No, let’s save that for when we’re selling real estate. There must be something. What was the reason we bought those bags? Patrick: He said we were mediocre. SpongeBob: That’s it! He made us feel special! Patrick: Yeah, he did. I’m going back to buy more bags! [runs off] SpongeBob: No, wait Patrick! [Patrick freezes where he is] Why don’t we try being nice? Patrick: Oh, ok. [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick walking up to a house] SpongeBob: Remember, Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good. [Patrick knocks on the door and it opens] Nathiel: Hello? Patrick: I love you. [Nathiel slams the door] SpongeBob: I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal. Let me try. [rings the doorbell and door opens] Nathiel: Please, go away! SpongeBob: Uhh...ahem. H-How ya doin'? Nathiel: How am I doing? SpongeBob: Wanna buy some chocolate? Patrick: We got him now! Nathiel: Sorry, chocolate has sugar and sugar turns to bubbling fat. Isn’t that right, lover boy? (Patrick's stomach is bubbling) Patrick: Hehe, it tickles. Nathiel: As you can see, me and chocolate no longer hang. [shows a picture of a fat version of himself when he was 13] You can keep that for five bucks. [Patrick holds up some money] Patrick: I’ll take ten! [scene cuts to SpongeBob walking down the street again] SpongeBob: We haven’t sold one chocolate bar. I have a feeling we’re too easily distracted. [Patrick is looking at the photo of Nathiel] Patrick: Huh? SpongeBob: Let’s make a pact right now that we will stay focused on selling at the next house. Patrick: What? SpongeBob: Let’s shake on it. Patrick: Did you say something? SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, focus. [knocks on the door] Fish: Yes? SpongeBob: Good afternoon, sir, we’re selling chocolate bars. Fish: Why is Chubby here staring at me? Patrick: Focusing. Fish: Back up, Jack! [slams the door on Patrick’s eyes. Patrick looks around his house] Patrick: Nice place you got here! [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick walking down the street] SpongeBob: I can’t understand what we’re doing wrong. Patrick: I can’t understand anything. SpongeBob: There must be something to this selling game that we’re just not getting. Other people do it, I mean look at that! [points to a giant billboard] Patrick: [reads the sign] "Eat Barnacle Chips: They’re Delicious". SpongeBob: They are most certainly not delicious. Patrick: Not the way I use them. SpongeBob: Yet they sell millions of bags a day. Patrick: Well, maybe if they didn’t stretch the truth, they wouldn’t sell as many. SpongeBob: That’s it, Patrick. We’ve got to stretch the truth. Tom: Chocolate! [SpongeBob and Patrick run off. Scene cuts to them at another house] SpongeBob: We’ll work as a team. Let me get this customer warmed up, then you come in for the kill. Patrick: The kill. [SpongeBob rings the doorbell as an elderly lady answers it] Mary: Yes? SpongeBob: Hello, young lady. [chuckles] We’re selling chocolate. Is your mother home? Mary: Mom! [her mom, who is a worm-like shaped person, comes up in a wheelchair] Mary’s Mom: What? What! What’s all that yelling? You just can’t wait for me to die, can you? Mary: They’re selling chocolates. Mary’s Mom: Chocolate? Mary: Yeah! Mary’s Mom: What? What are they selling? Mary: Chocolates! Mary’s Mom: What? Mary: Chocolates! Mary’s Mom: I can’t hear you! Mary: [yells] They’re selling chocolates! Mary’s Mom: They’re selling chocolate? Mary: [yells] Yeah! Mary’s Mom: Chocolate? I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate. I always hated it! SpongeBob: Oh, but this chocolate’s not for eating! It’s for... Patrick: You rub it on your skin and it makes you live forever. Mary: No, no, no... Mary’s Mom: Live forever, you say? I’ll take one. [daughter smacks her forehead. She gives SpongeBob some money as he gives her a chocolate bar] Come on, you lazy Mary! Start rubbing me with that chocolate! Mary: [to SpongeBob] I hate you... [closes door] SpongeBob: If we keep exaggerating the truth, we’ll be fancy living in no time! Patrick: Hooray for lying! [scene cuts to SpongeBob & Patrick at another house] SpongeBob: It’ll make your hair grow. Fred: Great, my wife’s trying to grow a beard. [scene cuts to another house] SpongeBob: It’ll make you sound smart! Hillbilly: I’ll take twenty! [scene cuts to another house] Patrick: It’ll keep your face from getting any uglier! Starfish: Just in time. SpongeBob: It’ll make you fly. Patrick: You’ll fall in love. SpongeBob: They’ll bring world peace. Patrick: You’ll walk through walls. SpongeBob: You’ll rule the world! [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick all bandaged up. SpongeBob uses one os his crutches to ring the door bell] Patrick: [chuckles] This’ll be the best lie yet! SpongeBob: Yeah, this guy will feel so sorry for us, he’ll have to buy all of our chocolate. [door opens] Salesman: What can I do for you boys? SpongeBob: Hello, would you like to buy a chocolate bar? We need an operation. Salesman: Really? Small world. [guy walks out in a body cast] What’s wrong with you guys? SpongeBob: Uhh...we’ve got some head trauma and eternal bleeding. Salesman: [sighs] Some guys have all the luck. [sad music plays] I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs and every night I break my arms. [SpongeBob and Patrick look sad] At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep. [the wheel under his leg breaks off] Oh no! [he falls down the stairs and groans] SpongeBob: Quick, Patrick, let’s help him. [SpongeBob and Patrick carry him inside] Careful. Put him down gently. [Patrick drops him] Salesman: Ow... SpongeBob: You poor, poor man. If there’s anything, anything we can do to help you... Salesman: Well, there is one thing. As you can well imagine, my medical bills are extremely high. But luckily, I’m able to keep myself alive by selling chocolate bars. [scene cuts to the crippled man looks out the window at SpongeBob and Patrick, who are walking off with a bunch of chocolate bars in their hands] Such nice boys. It does my heart good... [unzips his cast showing that he is the salesman from before] ...to con a couple of class-A suckeroonies like those two. [laughs] SpongeBob: Don’t get me wrong, Patrick. It’s great that we helped that guy out but there’s no one else in town to sell chocolate bars to. [falls backward and the box he was carrying falls on his face] Let’s face it Patrick, we’re failures. [Patrick puts his box on top of SpongeBob’s then sits on it] Patrick: I can live with that. SpongeBob: Let’s change our names to “Why” and “Bother.” [Tom runs up to them] Tom: Chocolate!! [SpongeBob and Patrick scream as Tom laughs] Finally! I’ve been trying to catch you boys all day! Now that I’ve got you right where I want you... [holds up a bunch of money] ...I’d like to buy all of your chocolate. [SpongeBob and Patrick drop all their chocolate they have. A hershey kisses falls out of Patrick’s shorts. SpongeBob & Patrick melt into yellow and pink puddles] SpongeBob: Thank you for your patronage. [scene cuts to Patrick pushing a wheelbarrow full of money] Patrick: Are we living the fancy life yet, SpongeBob? SpongeBob: [pops up from under the money in the wheelbarrow] Not yet, pally. First we got to spend all the money. Patrick: What are we gonna spend it on? [SpongeBob thinks then the scene cuts to an outside view of a giant ship in a bottle. Squidward walks to the waiter all dressed up] Squidward: Good evening, sir. Table for one please. Waiter: Sorry, but the whole restaurant has been rented to a private party. Squidward: But it’s my only night to be fancy. Who could afford to rent out the whole restaurant? Waiter: Oh, a couple of rich entrepreneurs and their dates. [scene cuts to SpongeBob, Patrick, the daughter and mom from earlier sitting at a table] SpongeBob: So, how long have you two ladies known each other? Mary’s Mom: What? What did he say?