Splitsville

NARRATOR: In the fall of 2012, Nick and Robin were going strong. Sometimes it's hard to say what it is exactly that makes a couple click. (sighs) Wow. (sighs) Bravissimo! Whatever it was, kids, Nick and Robin really connected at first. Hey, you know, I think I'm really starting to feel something here (snoring) But then, as often happens, they started to drift apart. Why? Who can say? Nick and I haven't had sex in three days. And it's your fault. Nick won't have sex because he pulled his groin muscle, all 'cause you made him join your stupid basketball team. Did you say "stupid basketball team"? Yeah. Oh, my gosh, guys, we have to rush Robin to the hospital. Because somehow, she swallowed her vocal cords and they got lodged in her rectum, (whispers): because she's talking out of her ass. Over the summer, Marshall had joined a midtown professionals basketball league. His team of lawyers was called The Force Majeurs. Ever since they lost to a group of accountants, he'd started getting a little intense about it. You sure you didn't have a ringer or two out there, Joel? Don't know what you're talking about. Good hustle out there, Aboubakar! If Joel can use ringers, then so can we. And Nick is our best player. So as far as I'm concerned, you can both keep your groins on ice. TED: Groins on Ice. Least popular Madison Square Garden holiday show ever. Why are you so into this basketball league? Robin, it's the Little Ivies Professionals Over 30 Who Work In Midtown League. It's The Show! (laughs) You know, it's kind of funny, imagining people icing their groins. I mean, first they'd be all cold, and then the ice would start to melt, and things would get all wet and steamy. Okay, Lily. Look, buddy, I'm also the captain of a team in the Little Ivies Professionals Over 30 Who Work In Midtown League. I'm addicted to the adrenaline, too. Still, don't you think you're getting a little obsessive about ROBIN: Uh, hold up, hold up. Are you suggesting that you are a member of a sports team and you're the captain? So says the "C" I personally sewed onto my jersey. After Victoria and I broke up, I had some free time. So, called up a few architect friends and put together a little team called the T-Squares. See that? The floor's uneven. And that window placement is rubbish. You know, if a genie gave me one wish, I would knock down that wall and create a nice flow. Great wish. I mean, there's too much hardwood, right? Did you nerds actually play any basketball? Um, us nerds focused on something far more important: bonding. You guys are going to get pounded. And I am not. Oh, come on. You can't go a couple weeks without sex? Our point guard's a 52-year-old virgin, happy as a clam. I'm sure he's quite a ball handler. The problem is, now that we're not having sex, we're talking more, and I'm realizing that Nick is kind of dumb. Really? News to me. I hadn't noticed that. No. Oh, my God. You guys think that he's dumb, too? So dumb. Air bags are sharper. Hot as lava but just as thick. Wow. When did you guys start to notice that he was kind of dumb? Well, there was that time Nick was doing the crossword. Hey, what's a four- letter word for cut? "Nick. " Yeah? Is a four-letter word for cut. What is? "Nick. " What? Oh. I got it. "Shave. " And there was the comment about Gypsies. No, no. I think Gypsies prefer to be called Romani now. (laughs) Do they? Really? And what do unicorns and, uh, elves and leprechauns prefer to be called? (laughs) You do know, uh, Gypsies are a real ethnic group that actually exists? Oh, you guys, I feel terrible now. I always thought they were just made up, like goblins or trolls or dolphins. And then there's that story you told about how you and Nick picked up that Danish exchange student and you all took a shower together. I never told a story like that. Well, no time like the present. Let's give this Danish ho a name. I'm thinking Nadia. Yeah, she sounds slutty and bi-curious. What is wrong with you? Your kid is right there. Maybe want to clean it up a lit (grunting) You're wearing a baby and you're doing pull-ups? No, Ted, I'm sitting around getting soft, 'cause that's what champions do. The problem is, now that I know how dumb Nick is, it's kind of making me reconsider the relationship. Why? Eventually, Nick's groin will heal and you'll be back in Sexville, where all the crossword puzzles only have one box to fill. Talk about a double standard. Every time I go after a busty dullard who can't tell time or thinks I'm the ghost of Leonardo DiCaprio, I'm shallow. But somehow it's okay for Robin to date a guy who can't be trusted around outlets. Dump him! Okay, that is ridiculous. Is Nick a genius? No. But does he have average intelligence? No. But he is a human being, with a heart! And you're afraid if I dump him, it'll throw off his game. Robin, he got 36 points and 17 rebounds last week. And that was with his shoes on the wrong feet. (sighs) Well, you're probably all wondering how the T-Squares' practice went today. The T-What? We played up here. Basketball, people don't realize, is all geometry, physics and engineering. If you think like an architect, you could win a thousand games without ever touching a ball. What happened to your ball? Some kids from the Hebrew school next door took it and wouldn't give it back. (chuckles): Oh. Oy. Hey. Hey. Hey. Oh, thanks. How'd the breakup with Nick go? Well So, I went to this fortune teller today and she said there was a curse on me. Did she sell you something to ward off the curse? It's like you're a fortune teller, too. (sighs) Nick, um I think we need to talk. Yeah. Uh it's just Whoa, these are hard. Anyway, this $500 bracelet will ward off evil till the end of the week, so Do you think that you could do, uh, sit-ups or something while you talk? Yeah. (chuckles) Anyway, this fortune teller, she was able to tell me all sorts of stuff about my future, just from my credit cards and my social security number, I knew you'd cave. Which is why I came up with a little extra incentive to break up with Nick. End it by 8:00 p. m. tonight or this invite goes live. (festive music playing over computer) "Robin and Patrice's BFF Fun Day?!" NARRATOR: Kids, Patrice was a coworker of Robin's who'd become sort of obsessed with her. Robin had managed, until now, to keep Patrice at arms length. But if Patrice were invited to something called Robin and Patrice's BFF Fun Day, she'd latch onto Robin and never let go. Why would you do that? Delete that right now! No! If I don't give you a little push, you'll let this drag on until Nick can have sex again, and then you'll be right back to procrastinating on all fours. I hate to admit it, but the man in the suit has a point. Ugh! Fine, but the playoffs are coming up soon, and I can't have this guy an emotional wreck. If you do dump him, at least let him down easy. Yeah, take him to a nice restaurant. Preferably a dessert place. That way, you won't have to sit through a whole meal before you get to Splitsville. Exactly. No, Splitsville. It's a dessert place right around the corner. It's sort of the place to end a relationship. Uh, Nick, listen. You are awesome and totally sweet, but we're just not (sighs) You know where I'm going with this, right? No. No clue. Okay, um I don't know if we should keep seeing each other. You want to start turning off the lights during sex? No. God, no. No! No. I am just worried that, as a couple, we're not working out. You want to start going to the gym together? Okay, no, Nick, here is the deal. Okay (cell phone rings) Sorry, babe. I got to take this. Excuse me. Hello. Hey, what's up? You What? I I don't understand. But you Okay, um, you know what? I'm sorry, I-I have to go. What happened? (sobs): I I, um Uh, I'm sorry, I can't talk about this. (sniffles) (exhales heavily) Anyway, what were you going to say? Uh I was gonna say, order whatever else you want. It's on me. Well, thanks, but I think I'd just rather eat it out of a bowl. Well, no doubt you're all wondering how the T-Square's first game went. What Squares? TED: Picture a well- oiled machine. Your sewing machine? There were two seconds left on the clock. Aboubakar was all over me. And that's when all my years of architectural training came to my aid. I saw the space in a way my opponents never would. (buzzer sounds) Yes! I told you guys I'd make one of these! Turns out, those two points were taken away because apparently the ball went "out of bounds. " But don't worry, I'm appealing to the league office. This Aboubakar-- I'm assuming you showered with the guy? Paint me a word picture. (cell phone rings) Hello. Lil, is Barney there? He's not answering his phone. Mm, he's a little busy right now. It's Robin. Put her on speaker. 39 When did you start being able to do stuff like this? A few months ago, you had to catch your breath after making a sandwich. Barney, delete the Robin and Patrice's BFF Fun Day invite! Did you break up with Nick yet? I can't! He just got some horrible call. I think a family member might have died or something. Oh! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I mean, good that Robin can't dump him. The death part, less good. Robin, if you dump Nick, he could get mad and tear your blouse off. And then he bites you on the neck, not super hard, just on the brink between pleasure and pain. And then that Danish slut Nadia bursts in You can't wait. His groin will heal and then before you know it, you'll be marrying a man who once ate a vanilla-scented candle! That was on me. I shouldn't have left it in the kitchen. Though, it was lit. Man, he dumb. The invite goes live in five minutes. What?! It goes out automatically unless I stop it, and that only happens if I hear you dump Nick on speakerphone before then. Fine. Hey, Nick. I'm sorry about that. Um, listen, there's something I need to talk to you about. No, Robin, I'm sorry. I'm like half here. That phone call, it just I got some really bad news. My doctor did an MRI and Oh Oh, God. What, what is it? My groin injury is worse than they thought. I can't play basketball for weeks. Thank God. I thought he was dying or something. How many weeks? How many weeks?! Please tell me it's not a tear in the iliolumbar ligament. It's a tear in the "libioflumflar linament. " If it's a small tear, he can still make playoffs. It's a big tear. He better not be out for the season. I'm out for the season. Damn it! They're going up against The Number Crunchers without me. It's an after-work basketball league for lawyers and accountants and architects who sew. I mean, who takes it that seriously? No! I just hate letting Coach Eriksen down. I would follow that man through the gates of hell! Winning. What do we win when we beat those Number Crunchers a few short weeks hence? A game? Sure. A trophy? Sort of. We win a $25 gift card to Bennigan's, but what is it that we really win? The game! Yes, I said that Nick. Right. But we also win the right to walk tall. Oh! The right to call ourselves champions. Yeah. So we are gonna go out and we are gonna wipe the floor with those accountants! And afterwards, we will feast like kings on Southwest Fajitas and Cajun shrimp! And that check, that check will be marginally less expensive! Yeah! Yeah! Now, they're probably gonna have to pay full price for that meal. (sighs) Nick, you are so sweet, but I just Good news is it doesn't really matter if it takes my groin pull a little longer to heal, so I may as well start having sex again. Listening. Sickening. Exiting. Nick Huh? I just Ah I Hmm? Um Mm-hmm? Oh What do you think? (moans) I think I am suddenly in the mood for something hot. I see. Sounds like I should order some cappuccinos. Don't talk till tomorrow morning. She can't go home with you, Nick. Barney? Why not? Because Robin and I are in love. Barney, what are you doing here? Taking care of something you clearly can't do on your own. I'm sorry, but you and Robin are done. What? Robin, what is this? Barney, look, I-I know what you're doing, okay? Please stop. Robin doesn't want to hurt your feelings because you're a nice guy, but she thinks you're stupid and she hates you. You're welcome. Stop doing this. I love her, Nick. Look, he doesn't love me. He's just saying this because I love everything about her, and I'm not a guy who says that lightly. I'm a guy who has faked love his entire life. I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt, but this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to, and there have been times that I wanted to. It has been overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times, but I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. More than she knows. Robin, is this true? You heard him. (voice breaking): Oh, wow, it feels like I have a pulled groin muscle in my heart. Nick, I-I'm so sorry. (sobbing) I just think that maybe (sobbing): Pardon me. But did you just also get your heart broken? Yes. (sobbing): I just got my heart broken, too! Well, do the the two of you want to come back to my place? Yes. Yes. Come on. NARRATOR: Thus concluded the Autumn of Breakups, Wow. Crazy, right? LILY: Yeah, you know what would be really crazy? If all of 'em got it on-- Barney, Robin, Nick, and those two women, and you just know Nadia's watching in the corner with her pet snake. Okay, why aren't you two having sex? What? Excuse me? Lily has been slobbering over Robin's sex life like a cartoon hobo watching a pie cool on a windowsill, and you-- the only other time you've ever exercised this seriously was when Lily had mono freshman year and I caught you doing one-armed push-ups with your genitals over a bowl of ice. So, when did you stop doing it and why? It was, you know, before Marvin was born. What? Th-That's insane. Well, you have to wait a while after having a kid, and, and then you're exhausted from being up all night. And then this uncanny phenomenon began. (Marvin crying over monitor) (crying stops) (crying resumes) (crying stops) (staccato crying) Wow, you guys got to fix this. It's not that easy. (Marvin crying) Ted, having a kid changes things. You don't have the time or energy, you're never alone. Come here. What are you doing? Taking Marvin for a walk so you guys can have some privacy. Oh, Ted, come on, that's, that's just not the way that it works. Yeah, it's not like we can have sex on cue. Yeah, I'll give you guys plenty of time. Maybe I'll even swing by the gym, show Marvin where his Uncle Ted made "the shot. " If I'm late, it's 'cause I've been delayed by autograph seekers. Oh, forgot Marvin's diaper bag. Yowza! Okay. And the Oscar for Best Fake Romantic Speech goes to Barney Stinson. I'd like to thank all the ladies over the years with whom I've practiced fake romantic speeches and, of course, Robin Scherbatsky for being so hypnotized by hog that she needed me to come and save her. You know what? I didn't need your help. You were this close to ripping off his misbuttoned shirt and pulling down his inside-out underpants. I'll give you this, you were pretty convincing. Hey, tricking good-looking idiots is kind of my thing. No. (chuckles) I mean, you were really convincing. Please. I was bro-ing you out. I'm just glad he bought it so quick. Any longer, I'd have had to kiss you. (phone rings) (sighs) Hello. PATRICE: Whoo, oh, my God, Robin, BFF Fun Day! That's the most amazing thing ever. Like, you totally read my mind Hey, Patrice. Oh, you got the invite, great. Uh, yeah, uh, let me call you back. This is so fantastic, I can't even catch my breath. Mm-hmm, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah! You know what I forgot to do? ("Signed, Sealed, Delivered" by Stevie Wonder playing) Like a fool, I went and stayed too long Now I'm wondering if your love's still strong Ooh, baby, here I am Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours. Hey, T-Squares. Well, bad news. Heard back from the league office. My shot is not going to count. But onwards and upwards, right? (chuckles) What do you cats want to rap about, huh? Listen, Coach you're great. And we all really want to stay friends. I can change, I can Come on, we, we had some good times. Things have been weird lately and Is there another architect? Just tell me.