The Return of Malcho

[Setting: A large tower. Jasmine, Abu, Genie, and Sultan are trapped in a hanging cage. Aladdin stands in the center of the room. A Mamluk sprite (from "The Lost City of the Sun") is before him.]

Sprite: What will it be Aladdin? Door one or door two?

[Aladdin turns toward the doors; the door "knobs" are from Lord Kutato's palace, in "Snowman is an Island"]

Door 1: One of these rooms contains a great treasure and one of these rooms holds certain death.

Door 2: This room has the treasure. The other one is your doom.

Aladdin: Are these things telling me the truth?

Sprite: (Holding a globe that has Agrabah inside it) One of them is telling the truth, but the other one is false. Consider carefully, Aladdin: the fate of Agrabah rests on your decision.

Genie: Don't mess up! Sultan: (Simultaneously): Come on my boy, hurry up!

Aladdin: (Gulps) Door… two?

Sprite: (Gasps) …no! (He laughs, then flies high into the air. He drops the globe and it smashes into the ground, breaking it)

[Setting: the palace throne room. Aladdin is on the throne; he wakes up]

Aladdin: No! (He looks around, the throne room is empty) Huh? (Relieved) it was only a dream.

Iago: Sleepin' on the job, huh? What would the Sultan say? (lands on Aladdin's shoulder) Don't tell me you were up all night again.

Aladdin: It's this 'being Sultan' thing. I'm not ready to be Sultan. It's really got me on edge.

Iago: Being Sultan is easy, just relax.

Aladdin: (Sighs) I hope you're right. It's a lot of responsibility having the fate of Agrabah rest on my decisions.

[The doors open and the guards enter]

Aladdin: (Panicked) What's wrong?! (Stands up) What's happening?!

Hakim: (On one knee, holding out a scroll) A letter from afar, o protector of the kingdom. (laughs)

Aladdin: Of course! (Nervous chuckle) I-I knew that. Uh, thank you. (Opens the scroll) Hey, it's from Genie.

(The scroll opens to a picture of Genie as William Shakespeare)

Genie: (Narrating) Dear Al: Day eight of the Seven Desert tour and all is well. (The next picture is of Jasmine) Jasmine is beautiful as always. (Picture of Abu, leaning on a pillow) Abu wanted to head back and stay with you, but now he's really gotten in to this vacation idea. (picture of a jubilant Carpet and a pouty Genie with a raincloud over his head) Carpet's beating the pants off me at "I spy." How he can spy anything without a little eye is beyond me. (Picture of the Sultan, with other royal figures) And the Sultan? He's the envy of the Seven Kingdoms. You've certainly got some curly toed shoes to fill, but we know you can do it, Sultan Aladdin.

(Iago laughs)

Aladdin: Yeah right.

Genie: (Narrating) P.S., this scroll will self-destruct… (the scroll disappears with a blast, knocking Iago off of Aladdin's shoulder) … now!

Iago: What, no hugs and kisses for the bird? I'm not insulted, nah babe.

Aladdin: I was kinda hoping they were gonna come back early or something…

Rasoul: Hmph. Dressing a street rat in a Sultan's clothes does not a Sultan make.

Hakim: It's only a matter of time before he leads us to our doom!

Rasoul: If you need us, we'll be right outside— (leans forward, mocking) —Sultan.

(The Guards exit)

Aladdin: What did that mean? (mocking) 'We'll be outside, Sultan'. I can handle this job! You think I can, don'tcha?

(Aladdin walks toward the balcony, Iago on his shoulder)

Iago: Calm down! This place practically runs itself. Just sit in the throne, wear the hat, and you'll do fine… unless a giant monster attacks. (Flies toward the fountain)

Aladdin: Gee, thanks! For a moment, I was almost relaxed!

Iago: Oh, come on, giant monsters? What are the chances of that?

[Setting: the sky above Agrabah. Malcho, a giant winged-serpent, flies through the air; his waist is stuck inside a block of ice]

Malcho: I cannot believe that I, Malcho the great, allowed myself to be trapped in the freezing Arctic. It is downright humiliating. (looks at the ice block) Carumba, this thing is heavy. (To a nearby bird) Hola! Which way to Agrabah?

(The bird points downward and "runs" off. Malcho looks down; he is flying over the city and toward the palace)

Malcho: Agrabah. (Laughs) Soon I'll have my revenge on he who banished me to the ice and cold.

[Setting: The Palace fountain. Iago is in the water, doing a backstroke]

Iago: Ahh. This is way better than gallivanting around the Seven Deserts. Some vacation.

[Setting: The sky. Malcho stretches and the block of ice around his waist shatters and falls.]

Malcho: Much better!

[Setting: The fountain. The ice, in shards, is falling toward the fountain. Iago doesn't notice. He has a stream of water coming out of his mouth, like a fountain. He spits the water up into the air; it falls and hits him in the face]

Iago: Spittin' in your own face: now that is true luxury!

(Iago looks up and screams. The shards of ice land, surrounding both the fountain and Iago himself. Iago flies off screaming)

Iago: ALADDIN!

[Setting: The throne room. Aladdin sits up, alarmed]

Aladdin: Oh my gosh! I knew something would happen! Guards, emergency! (He runs toward the door)

[Setting: Outside]

Iago: (Still flying) Ice demons! Ice demons from space, dropping icy daggers of doom from a low orbit! Help!

(He crashes into Aladdin's chest, then falls to the ground. Aladdin and the guards surround him)

Iago: Take your time, why don'tcha? I was in the fountain when ZING ZING! Daggers of doom from space! Over here! Like darts of death, demons have remarkable aim, they… (the ice is melted) hey, uh, this is the only fountain we've got like this, right?

Rasoul: I see no daggers of doom. I see no ice demons either.

Iago: Bu..uh, yeah! Not now, but they might come back! The whole kingdom's in danger!

Aladdin: Ice demons? Why does this have to happen while I'm in charge?

Iago: You've gotta post lookouts!

Aladdin: Rasoul, post lookouts!

Iago: Raise a militia!

Aladdin: Yeah! Rasoul, raise a militia!

Iago: Roll out the big guns!

Aladdin: Roll out the— what?

Rasoul (loudly, to Fazal): Look at this. Our Sultan is taking orders from a bird.

Fazal: I took you Aladdin would be a lousy Sultan.

Aladdin: Uh…

Iago: Hunt them down! Form a posse, before more get hu— (Aladdin pinches his beak closed).

Aladdin: Guards, return to your posts.

Rasoul: (gets into Aladdin's face) We do not enjoy street rats ordering us around. Remember, you are not really the Sultan!

Aladdin: (Annoyed and angry) I'll keep it in mind.

Rasoul: Come on, men!

(The guards walk away)

Hakim: I stubbed my toe trying to get out here.

Nahbi: That boy is wasting our time.

(Guards exit)

Iago: They don't believe me! What do they need, a calling card?! "I tried to turn Iago into an ice-kabob, signed Ice Demon." Come on, call 'em back out here!

Aladdin: Iago, look. I've got a whole kingdom to watch over. There's a lot that can go wrong. I've never been Sultan before.

Iago: So you're gonna listen to those guys rather than me?

Aladdin: Iago, there's nothing out here. No ice. No demons. I can't panic the whole kingdom over nothing.

Iago: Oh, so now I'm nothing? Fine.

Aladdin: Iago, that's not what I meant.

Iago: Hark! Aladdin's out in the garden, talking to nothing. Oh, he must be going crazy.

Aladdin: Oh, okay. Alright fine, be that way! You're on your own!

(Aladdin exits, walking back toward the palace)

(Behind a nearby bush, Malcho sees Iago).

Malcho: There he is, the loathsome twerp who dared take out the great Malcho. Now to concoct a nasty revenge, something Iago will remember for the rest of his life. Which will be much short.

(Malcho slithers away, laughing).

(Iago lays on the edge of the fountain, running the tip of his wing along the water. Noticing something, Iago reaches into the water. He pulls out one of Malcho's feathers.)

Iago: Hey, what gives? Ice demons don't have feathers. And scaly feathers at that. Wait a minute, feathers, scales, icy daggers… that could only be… Malcho! He's escaped from the Frozen North! ALADDIN!

[Setting: The Palace. Aladdin hears Iago and stands up, panicked.]

Aladdin: Guards, emergency!

(Iago flies in and clings to Aladdin's face)

Iago: It's Malcho! Malcho the giant winged serpent! Look! (Iago shows Aladdin the feather)

Aladdin: Malcho? What happened to the ice demons?!

Iago: Drop the ice demons already, what are you, obsessed? It's a revenge thing. I banished him to the North Pole and now he's come to hunt me down. Help me! It's your duty to protect me, Sultan Aladdin!

(Rasoul grabs Iago by the tail feathers. All four guards have entered).

Rasoul: Don't listen to the bird, your duty is to Agrabah. If there's a monster after him, that's his problem. Men, remove this pest!

(Hakim and Fazal grab Iago; they walk away)

Iago: No, wait, you can't throw me out! Malcho will get me! I'll get gotten!

(Aladdin pursues them; Rasoul stops him).

Rasoul: The kingdom is safer this way. It's what the Sultan would do.

Iago: I thought we were friends! Al, you traitor!

(Hakim and Fazal toss Iago out of the palace and slam the door shut.)

Iago: (pounding on the door) Let me in, let me in, let me in!

(Aladdin hears this)

Rasoul: You've made the right decision. That bird is two camels short of a caravan.

Aladdin: (looks at the feather) I hope so. I wonder… No! We help Iago.

Iago: (still pounding on the door) Let me in, let me in! Let me—

(Iago sees Malcho's shadow; he screams)

Malcho: Hello, Iago. Long time no see.

Iago: (shaking) Iago? I've never heard of him! My name's Phil. Sometimes Filbert, but eh, most Phil. And you are?

Malcho: Oh no you don't. You're Iago alright, I'll never forget that face. It has haunted me every day. Do you have any idea how much I hate the cold? Do you?

Iago: No…

Malcho: A lot. I hate it a lot! I've had a long time to think about what I was going to do to you. I've decided after careful consideration that I'll just eat you.

Iago: Look, Malcho, I swear to you, I promise from my heart. I'm not Iago, I'm Phil.

Malcho: Liar!

(Malcho rears to attack him. Just in time, Aladdin opens the door and grabs Iago, bringing him into the palace. The force of Malcho's attack pushes the palace door open and Malcho enters.)

Aladdin: I knew I shouldn't have thrown you out. (puts Iago down)

Iago: Yes, yes, yes!

(Rasoul and Fazal use spears to hold Malcho at bay).

Rasoul: Drive it back, men! Follow me, don't let it get— (Malcho knocks Fazal aside) — come on, keep attacking!

(Aladdin picks up Fazal’s spear and joins in)

Aladdin: Back!

(Hakim runs in with a mace, Nahbi with bolas. Malcho knocks Hakim aside; Hakim crashes into Nahbi, who gets spun around and trapped by his own bolas. Malcho then eats part of Rasoul's spear. Rasoul ducks down; Malcho is ready to strike him, but becomes distracted. Aladdin and the other guards are trying to close the door on Malcho)

Iago: Yeah, squeeze him good! Pinch him in two!

(Iago laughs. Malcho's tail enters the palace through a window right above Iago. Malcho grabs Iago, who screams)

Iago: Aladdin!

Aladdin: Iago!

(The guards finally close the door on Malcho)

Rasoul: Finally, the beast is gone.

Aladdin: Open the doors, it took Iago.

Rasoul: And your point is…

Aladdin: Open those doors, now.

Rasoul: (sighs) Open the doors.

(Aladdin and the guards run out of the palace; Nahbi, still trapped in the bolas, hops down the stairs. Iago is screaming; Malcho is about to eat him.)

Malcho: Do you mind? I can't devour you when you're screaming like that. It's distracting.

Iago: Well, excuse me!

(Aladdin is nearby, thinking about what to do. He sees Nahbi.)

Aladdin: Ha! Bolas, just what I need!

(Aladdin grabs the bolas, freeing Nahbi. Aladdin runs over to Malcho.)

Aladdin: Let the bird go!

Malcho: How should I phrase this… (flies away, still holding Iago) No.

(Aladdin throws the bolas into the air; they trap Malcho and he falls to the ground)

Rasoul (to Aladdin): Nice shot! Maybe leaving you in charge wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Aladdin: Thanks… I think.

Iago: Uh, hello?! (Iago is still trapped in Malcho's tail) Help over here? Help, I can't breathe!

Malcho: I will not be robbed of my revenge.

(Malcho starts to burrow under ground)

Iago: Al!

(The guards rear back to strike Malcho)

Aladdin: No, wait! You'll hit Iago.

Iago: Do something! I don't want to go underground. It's all dark and clammy!

(Aladdin runs over and frees Iago)

Aladdin: Gotcha!

Iago: It's about time.

(Malcho is underground now)

Malcho: Hey, he's gone.

Iago (to Aladdin): Must'a just noticed.

Malcho: I'll be back! Mark my words, I'll get my revenge.

Iago: That snake is mad crazy.

Rasoul (to Aladdin): And he's loose in Agrabah. Now the whole kingdom's in danger because of you!

Aladdin: What?!

Fazal: We could have got him if you hadn't stopped us!

Hakim: You let him get away!

Aladdin: I had to save Iago!

Nahbi: What about my bolas? Who's going to be saving them?

Aladdin: Look, I'm the Sultan here.

Rasoul: Temporarily.

(Iago interrupts with a whistle)

Iago: Malcho is after me, remember? This gives you guys a couple of options. One, you lock me up nice and safe in the palace where nothing can get me. Or two, I can wander the streets.

Aladdin: And Malcho will crush half the city tracking you down.

Iago: You got it. Destroyed cities don't look good on a resume. Lock me up, safe and sound. It's what the Sultan would do.

[Setting: The Throne Room, later. The guards are boarding up the "windows," or the space between the marble pillars. ]

(Iago is laying on the throne, eating. He is surrounded by barrels of food. Aladdin approaches him.)

Aladdin: I don't think the Sultan would have done all this though.

Iago: Lighten up, Al. What's the fun of being Sultan if you can't pamper your friends? (Iago goes to eat a grape; he looks at Aladdin, annoyed) Hey, don't watch me, keep an eye out for Malcho. That snake ruins my appetite. (Iago turns and glares at Nahbi; Nahbi goes back to work) That's better.

Rasoul (To Aladdin, quietly): Who does he think he is, the Sultan?

Aladdin (Quietly): Tell me about it.

Iago: I hear murmuring.

Rasoul: (Draws his sword) Why I oughta…

Aladdin: Easy, Rasoul. Save it for the flying snake, okay?

(Rasoul sheathes his sword and stomps away. Aladdin follows)

Iago: Where do you think you're going? You're not leavin' me here all by myself, no, no, no!

Aladdin: Iago, you're locked up safe and sound. Besides, what are the chances of a giant monster attacking, hmm?

Iago: You're a funny guy, Al. A real laugh riot.

Aladdin: Relax. (He leaves)

Iago: (Looks around, worried) I…I guess he's right.

(Iago yawns and lays down for a nap. The ground begins to shake)

Iago: Hey, what gives?!

(Malcho bursts through the throne room floor; he leans over Iago)

Malcho: My, Iago, I see you're moving up in the world.

Iago: ALADDIN! HEEEEELP!

(Aladdin runs into the throne room; Malcho shuts the door before Iago can leave. The guards are trapped outside the throne room, trying to get in.)

Rasoul: Get the battering ram!

(The guards run off)

Iago: (hiding behind Aladdin) Relax, he says!

(The guards return, with a battering ram; they attempt to beat down the door)

Rasoul: Again! Again! Again!

(The doors open; the guards run into Malcho. Aladdin is trapped in Malcho's wing, Iago in Malcho's tail.)

Hakim: Uh oh…

Malcho: Yes? May I help you with something?

(The guards flee; Aladdin struggles to escape)

Malcho (to Aladdin): That's almost tickling me. Not quite, though.

(Rasoul tiptoes behind Malcho and frees Iago. Rasoul grabs Malcho's tail and ties it to the battering ram.)

Iago: I love this idea!

(The guards throw the battering ram off the balcony)

Malcho: What is happening—

(Malcho is pulled through the throne-room and off the balcony; he crashes on the ground)

Malcho: Oh, my spine!

Rasoul: Are you alright, Sultan?

Aladdin: (Defensively) Yeah! (realizes what Rasoul said) Uh, yeah! I am, actually. Great job, Rasoul. (Shakes his hand)

Rasoul: (Bows to Aladdin) Good! By the way, Sultans should not punch their guards.

Iago: What're you standin' around here for, Malcho's gettin' away!

(On the ground, Malcho slithers away slowly, still attached to the battering ram.)

Malcho: Oh, man, that really hurt. I'll be back, you just wait!

Iago: Come on, you gotta slay'em!

(Rasoul grabs Iago)

Rasoul: The beast seems interested only in you. Why don't we just feed you to it and our problem will be solved?

Iago: How you got to be a royal guard is beyond me. Al, you want to fire this guy?

Hakim: You enraged that monster, it's your fault he's here!

Nahbi: And what about my bolas?!

Rasoul: Aladdin, listen to me, give up the bird!

Iago: Give me up? Give up your mama! It's your duty to protect the kingdom and I am—

Aladdin: EVERYBODY! SHUT UP! I'm through listening to ANY of you. I'm the Sultan for now, I'll make the decisions. No backtalk. Anyone got a problem with that?

(Iago and the Guards talk over each other, all answering "no.")

Aladdin: Okay, then.

[Setting: A volcano outside the city. The guards are hammering a wooden post into the hardened lava]

Aladdin: (Stops them) Ah, ok, that's good!

Iago: I'm tellin' you Al, I don't think this is gonna work.

Aladdin: Look at it this way— (ties Iago to the post) — you're completely safe up here.

Iago: Odd definition of safe, Al.

Rasoul: Here he comes!

(Malcho flies to the top of the volcano)

Malcho: Ah, there he is.

Aladdin: Eh, guess I'm right again, huh? (walks away from Iago) He's all yours, Malcho. In return for leaving Agrabah alone!

Iago: What?! You're just gonna give me to him?! I thought I was gonna be you know, bait or somethin'.

(The guards laugh)

Malcho: Yes. The tiny bird is a small price to pay to avoid the everlasting wrath of Malcho. You are a wise leader.

(Aladdin shrugs. Malcho sniffs Iago)

Iago: (to Aladdin) You're just gonna watch me get eaten?

Aladdin: Hey, hey, wait a second! (Approaches Malcho)

Iago: Whew, thank heavens!

Aladdin: Let's make sure he can't get away!

Iago: Al! (Aladdin unties Iago, then indicates for him to be quiet)

Aladdin: (Holds Iago up to Malcho) Look at that! The sneaky jackal had already gotten through the ropes!

Malcho: Yes, you have to be careful with that one. He'll suddenly banish you to the Frozen North if you're not careful.

(As Malcho speaks, Aladdin passes Iago off to the guards, who hand him a hammer in return)

Aladdin: (to the guards) Run!

(Aladdin hits the post; it goes farther into the hardened lava; the ground cracks. Malcho realizes that the ground is about to disintegrate and turns around, shocked; Aladdin and the guards are running away. Malcho sinks into the lava as the volcano erupts. Aladdin, Iago, and the guards are in a valley)

Iago: Alright! Now that's what I call leadership ability! You can be my Sultan any day. Even if you do have poufy hair!

(Aladdin and Iago laugh)

[Setting: The Throne Room. Aladdin and Iago finish repairing the floor]

Rasoul: They're back, they're back!

Aladdin: Phew! Just in time.

Jasmine: Aladdin!

(Jasmine, Genie, Abu, and Sultan enter on Carpet)

Aladdin: Jasmine! (Takes her hands; Genie interrupts them)

Genie: Word of advice, Al. Never, never play charades against Carpet. He'll whoop you every time.

(Genie disappears; Abu runs up Aladdin's shoulder, knocking Iago off)

Iago: Hey, watch it!

(Sultan runs over and shakes Aladdin's hand)

Sultan: How did you like being Sultan, my boy? Everything run smoothly while we were away?

(Iago kicks Abu off of Aladdin's shoulder)

Aladdin: It was, uh…

Iago: No problem, the boy's a born leader! He wore the hat, he sat in the throne, it went fine.

Sultan: Good! I knew you could do it.

Aladdin: Uh… uh, yeah! Everything went great. Everything is… safe and sound.

(Iago gives a ‘thumbs’ up)

[Setting: The volcano. Malcho breaks through the hardened lava, panting]

Malcho: Forget about that stupid Iago. When I get out of here, Aladdin is mine.