Titanium Lex

Subtopian woman: Okay, we're all gonna try to listen this time, yes? We have conquered Storm City, home of the traitor, Titanium Rex. And now, Earth belongs to us! Well, okay. See, this is Earth? [beeping] - And Storm City is - Is that Storm City? That is North America. Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom. [beeping] Is that, uh - Zoom. - Oh, God. Zoom, zoom, zoom. That, my friends, is Storm City. Just that part right there, that's all we've taken. I feel so tiny. Does anyone else feel tiny? Who gives a shit? Just show the good stuff! We have destroyed all military opposition the surface world has thrown at us. We have also enslaved surface dwellers by the thousands to work in our mining camps. They cry out for hard hats, but we give them none! Best of all, the traitor Rex's friends, the League of Freedom, are on the run. - Those aren't my brother's abs. - It's called Photoshop, sir. Just one of the fascinating things we might learn from the surface world. We've never seen such creative endeavors. The situational comedy "Two Broke Girls" you see, these surface women, they want a nicer life, but they do not have the means. If you preserve their culture, you preserve their hope. And hope is dangerous. Find those two broke girls and hang them at dawn! It will be done. [theme music playing] [grunting] [screeches] I'm too late. They're gone. With them, I thought there was a chance. But alone Oh, Rex. I told you I could reunite you with your team. - All you have to do is trust me. - I agreed to follow you home, Devizo, but I'll never trust you. Oh, a single tear. I'm hurt. I brought you here to show you how bad it's gotten. Any danger I pose is simply a figment of your imagination. [crashing sound] [evil laugh] - A goddamn setup! - That wasn't me. Give it up, Rex. You're stuck between a rock and another rock of equal hardness on the mineral scale. Oh, just say two rocks! - Ugh! - Soldier: Son of a bitch! What the hell? Come with me if you want to live. And you know, really think about that "if. " It's a basket of shit out there. Jewbot! I I mean, Robobot! I mean, well, wherever you are on your path to self-discovery. Yeah, my journey is no one's top priority, I get it. [loud boom] - Watch out! I can't see! - Me, neither. Just fly! I'll be your eyes. Looks like we've got ourselves a good old-fashioned Mexican standoff. Looks that way, Ranger. Also, that's racist. Guys, I honestly don't give a shit who tips me, - but I am in a hurry. - Well, last time I looked, one of us has their own TV show, so - Oh, for the love of God! - Ugh, thanks. After the sun goes down, it's like "The Purge" out there. No, no! No, no, no, no, no! Shit! I told you we should've ordered more cheese! Oh, God. Well, gonna be seeing that in my nightmares tonight. I'm just trying to get it down before you get to it, fatso. Hey, I'm just gonna eat mine in the rumpus room. See ya! Cooch, let him go. - Aw, man. - You're a bloodthirsty freak! One of these days, squirrel. In my mouth, and out the butt. Reverse one of those prepositions, and we've got ourselves a date night. Can we please work on our plan to save the world? Hiding out in this bunker is a disgrace. We need to hit them head on, issue everyone a bayonet and a Betty Grable pin-up, and let's go win this war! That's pure suicide, man! I'm not arguing strategy with a mechanical dragon! [others shouting] Damn it, guys, the whole point of working together was to work together! I [loud boom] - Whoa! - Damn it! Damn it, Robobot! It's not funny anymore! Agree to disagree. - Rex? - That's right, Lex. I'm back. If you think anyone here is gonna welcome you back with open arms - Oh, it's Rex! - He's a hero! - Oh, come on, you guys! - All is forgiven! - I knew you'd come back, Rex. - Did you bring me anything? I sure did. A plan to defeat the Subtopians. Ohh great. I never should've left the surface world to fend for itself. But if we all stand together as one team, we can do anything! Yaaah! [thud] You think you can just march back, and I'm gonna welcome you with open arms? I hate you! And this is my team! - I think you mean, "my team. " - Devizo? You yourself said that whoever possessed this was in charge of the Injustice Club. Well, look who possesses this. Ugh, my anti-magno rod. Dr. Devizo is now in charge. I thought I was in charge! I am the one that's in charge! And you stole my rod, ya asshole! Argue about this later! After we've used this to wipe out the Subtopians once and for all. - I hate to say it, but he's right. - The [bleep] yes, I'm right. But what good is one rod against thousands of Subtopians? Subtopian technology is powered by magno, a magnetic element produced deep in the Earth's core. Once its power is depleted, magno becomes anti-magno. It's harmless to humans, but lethal to Subtopians. The journey from Subtopia to the surface would've created a lot of anti-magno rods. They'll be collecting them at a disposal center of some sort. We steal those anti-magno rods and then well, I'm not sure what happens then. Perhaps, uh, atmospheric dispersal device? [chuckling] Is something funny? No, just ironic. The military was testing just such a device to deliver biological payloads. - What's wrong with a sock? - Ew! Shut up! Now that the Subtopians control the military base, stealing it will be much more difficult. A suicide mission, most likely. [sighs] I got the world into this mess. I should be the one to get it out, even if that means I die. No one's gonna argue with me? Now, suck it up, Rex, it should be you. Wait! I'm going with him. - Lex? - I am not gonna let you martyr yourself. I couldn't stomach the statues. Sounds like hungry work! You'll need more than the cheap calories that pizza provides! Beef and cheddar, anyone? - All: DeAndre! - You can't spell saving the world without Arby's! - The hell's going on? - He manages the Arby's next door. We all would've lost our lives many times if not for that son of a bitch. Jesus, how long have I been gone? We have the meats! Let's do this! Robobot on radio: You're sure attacking a Subtopian stronghold is wise, Rex? DeAndre thinks DeAndre made a lotta good points! But I can't risk anyone else getting hurt. Dax is my brother. And let's just be clear about this, to stop him, you'd gladly put your daughter at risk. Oh, come on, you begged to come. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. "My name is Rex, and I'm a bad dad. " Mission Control. Alpha is approaching target. American Ranger: Copy that, Titanium Bastard! - Hey! - Sorry, Lex, efficient communication is essential. That means code names. And since you are a member of House Titanium, born out of wedlock - Yeah, I get it! - Beta team, report! Beta team took a vote. We wanna be called the Disciples of Pain. - No, no, Squad Goals! - Coochtroop! B-Nut and the Panty Squeezies! [bleep] Me and the Who-Gives-A-Shits. Let's just do this! - Request denied, Beta Team! - Agony? What are you doin' here? Change of plans. As the highest ranking officer, I should be runnin' the show! I'm sorry, aren't you an accountant? - Gimme that damn headset! - God damn it! Saturn, is the diversion squad in position? The Expendables are locked and loaded. Wh What? S Sorry, the what? Don't worry about it. Ringler, shake me! One Plumalingus comin' your way! So! What else does a sidekick do? Shut up! Devizo, how we lookin'? [slurping] My role in this comedy of errors is already complete. Once you bring me the dispersal device, this adapter will turn the anti-magno rods into Subtopian killing partic Shit, shit, shit! [screeching] [electricity crackling] Gonna need another 10 minutes, uh, guys. - I outrank you, soldier. - You wanna know my rank? Greatest generation, mother [bleep]. Rex on radio: Will you two shut the hell up? We're tryin' to do a job here. We'll make our move when they change shifts. You sure you don't wanna just blast them in the face with your arm cannon? It seemed to distract me pretty good. When you blasted me. In the face. With your arm cannon. - Remember that? - Lex, if we're going to survive, we have to trust each other. Can we trust each other, Lex? Good, nonetheless. But I can't risk Devizo: Having second thoughts? He's only letting you tag along because deep down he believes in you. Will you really be able to murder him when he lets his guard down? He abandoned my mother. He abandoned me! He tried to kill me! Despite our differences, Devizo, you know I'll always be loyal to the man who raised me. Well, Lex? Can I trust you or not? Sure, Dad. Just as much as I can trust you. Lotta wiggle room in there. Whoo-wow! Whoa. [laughs] Jackpot. - Want me to take him out? - The stakes are too high! What we need is a distraction. Expendables! Full frontal assault! Wait, did you say full frontal assault? How is that a distraction? I thought at most we'd be ringing a doorbell and running away. - At most! - Black Saturn: Robobot! Right [bleep] now! The mission depends on it! Uh roger. Looks like I'm dyin' a virgin. Nah, I m I mean Yeah, pussy! Ahh, screw it. Raaah! [all shouting] Robobot: For Storm City! Light 'em up! [guns firing] [screaming] [explosion] It was the only way to avoid detection. I promise you, they will not have died in vain. Huh? Don't move! We're made! [bleep] Yaaah! Ugh! Yeesh. Wasn't as hard as I thought. Uch, hope those dudes are okay. Oh, well. Uh, Rex, how we doin'? Look at that. The dispersal device is right where Devizo said it would be. You sound surprised. Maybe Devizo isn't that bad, once you get to know him. You hang out with Devizo long enough and he'll turn on you. I hope you wise up and get away from him before that happens. Well, then, um, it's a good thing you don't get to tell me what to do anymore, isn't it? [alarm ringing] I knew it! A damn setup! [clicking] Oh. Oops. Son of a [grunt] Lost Sheep to Shepherd. We blew our chance. [grunting] We'll never sneak the device off the base now. Then we'll send the adapter and rods to you. Is that really the best use of your time? Both: Yes! Bring the adapter where? I don't even own a car! Portia: Call an Uber! I I would, but my Uber account is, sort of, um, suspended. Hey, man, you fart in my car? - Fart in your car? Never. - You fart in my [bleep] car, man?! It's coming from the outside! We're probably near a farm! There are no farms in downtown Phoenix! I didn't fart in your [bleep] dumb Uber car! [tires screech] Okay, get out! - Well, what about Lyft? - Similar circumstance, unfortunately. [tires screech] [horn honks] DeAndre! Guess who has the keys to his dad's Firebird, and no thumbs, because I wouldn't reveal your whereabouts under Subtopian interrogation! Uh, this guy! Shit! What light at yonder window breaks? 'Tis DeAndre! Aaah! No! Aaah! Ugh, ugh! [grunting] - Aaah! - Ugh! [guns firing] [tone sounding] Who's arm is this? Aaah! [Omega Dog growling] When in Reme, do as the Remans do. Yah-yah-yah, yah-yah-yah! [explosion] Oh, looks like we had it equally rough. - Saturn, you f - Found the rods? Natch. Congratulate me later. But how do we get these things to Rex? Good thing I got those helicopter lessons. Buster Nut, you beautiful son of a bitch! Portia: Rex! Lex! Hang in there! The anti-magno rods are on the way! Copy, Portia! You can do this. - Don't touch our shit! - Ugh! Son of a bitch! I don't care if she's a violent sociopath or not, nobody touches my daughter! - Your what? - You heard me. You mated with a dirtwalker and allowed your offspring to live? I will not allow this to stand. The Titanium Bastard must die! Okay, can everyone stop calling me that? Now, Dax, this is between me and you. Not until the abomination you spawned is wiped from existence. You will see your beloved daughter die before your eyes! Now, now, now, you've got it all wrong. I barely know her. She means nothing to me. Lies! She hovers by your side like a loyal dog! What? Oh my No! I don't! The only reason I'm here is to kill Rex when his guard is down! I said that, yeah? What? I thought we were trusting each other. Gah! [grunting] - Dad! - Y You can cut the "Dad" shit. You need to get the dispersal device to Devizo. - But - Don't worry, I'm going to die. That's what you wanted, isn't it? - Devizo, I've got the device. - Devizo: And? Ugh! It's over. Rex is dead. [sighs, grunts] Don't fire until you see the whites of their [farts] Oh, God, anti-magno rods! Now flip this whirlybird upside down and chop their heads off like dandelions! Since when do you guys murder people? Murder? Aren't they all robots? - Hyah! - Hah! Ugh! You sealed your fate the moment you challenged me to a blood duel, Rex. Do I look scared? What are you doing? [screams] I take no joy in this. You won't feel a thing. Wait! There's one thing they never taught you at the academy. What? Okay, fine, I was bluffing. Just wanted to live for another 10 seconds. Jesus, Rex. It's embarrassing. I'm doing you a favor. - Oh, God. - Hey! Get away from him, you dick! - Lex, get outta here. - No. I'm not gonna abandon you. You know, because, then I'd be as big of a piece of shit as you. Oh, come on. You came back because you love me. Whatever her reasons, I'm happy to kill her first. Bring it on. I'm younger, smarter, and oh shit! Okay. I wasn't ready that time. - Ugh! - No! Ugh! [grunts] [grunting] Leave her alone! [groaning] I can't believe you taught this diluted stock the secrets of House Titanium! - You murdered her! - You don't have to kill her! I never even showed her how to use her titanium hand! Maybe I didn't need to be taught. Hmm? [grunts] Impossible! [grunts] Whoooooa! - Wha How? - Good genes, I guess. Mantis, your mother. Yeah, that's that's what I meant. Yeah, just workin' it out. - Rex! - Hey, Lex! Guys! The anti-magno rods. - Oh, right. - Oh! Sorry. Sorry. [tires screech] Are you coming, DeAndre? Sorry, man. An Arby's across town is understaffed. Family comes first. I understand. Godspeed, DeAndre. Wah-hoo! [engine revs, tires screech] Rex, you and Lex should now be safe from the radiation. The device is armed! There's only one thing left to do fly it over the city center from a height of 10,000 feet! The blast will scatter anti-magno dust for miles! - Then let's do this. - I'll help you. And I'm not taking no for an answer. I wouldn't want it any other way. [imitates buzzer] No! I'm afraid I need Lex more. The remote has been acting fidgety since Blazar peed on it. I need Lex to keep me in range. Fine. Can we just save the world? [music] Look. I know you're disappointed. I I just couldn't kill him. Disappointed? [chuckles] No, no. I knew you couldn't go through with it, Lex. Devizo always has a a plan "B," and "C," and "D. " - What? - Look at Titanium Rex, the world watching as he saves us all, and then dies a hero. No! He's not clear yet! [explosion] Nooo! - American Ranger: Noooo! - Cooch: Reeeex! Rex, no. [coughing] They've contaminated the air. Retreat! Let's go, Lex! That is, unless you value the man who abandoned you. - Dad! - Fantastic. Plan "C" it is, then! [music] Rex's voice: Lex, open your eyes. [music] - Oh, Lex. - Sorry to disappoint you. I guess I'll always be [coughing] his daughter. [coughing] Oh, you know me, Lex. Heh. When life gives you lemons [grunts] Make way! Make way! I'm a doctor! This was the scene one week ago, as former criminal mastermind Dr. Devizo repelled the Subtopian invasion and saved the life of the legendary Titanium Rex. And today, Devizo was officially pardoned for all crimes past and present. [echoing] Today, I consider myself the luckiest Hey, shithead! You want to add a little more reverb to this thing? What setting is it on, Grand [bleep] Canyon? - Maybe you can come visit? - And I'll write to you every day. [crying] You're choosing Courtney over us? Look, I'm a complicated woman. I need an uncomplicated guy. Can't we change your mind somehow? I'm even open to a "Chasing Amy" solution here. I never saw that movie. Ben Affleck and Jason Lee turn a lesbian straight with the healin' power of their peckers. How would that work, exactly? You know what? Now that you mention it, that was not clear. This is hard to listen to. Wait till I tell you about "Dogma. " - Well, I guess I'm in. - Then it's settled. Portia [tires screeching] Never forget. [crying] Ringler! [beeping] Lex? You're still here. Well, I couldn't leave you all alone. Also, I'm hoping you'll testify at my eventual trial. I'm in a lot of trouble. [chuckles] I really am, though. Ah. You got it. You know, the League would be a better team with Lex Lightning on it. - Lex Lightning retired, Rex. - Oh. But you might wanna ask Titanium Lex. Agony on TV: Recent events have shown that some of the people we've called villains have simply been misunderstood. That's why I will be recommending that Dr. Devizo joins me in overseeing the conduct of the League of Freedom. [music] What? I will do my very best to make sure the League behaves in a responsible manner. I can't wait to work side by side with Titanium Rex. Oh, shit.