Silence is Not Golden

[The opening teaser: Michelle and Denise Frazer are watching television in the living room...]

Host: Okay kids, to hear today's new jokes ask your parents if you can call your 'Funny Buddy' at the number on your screen.

Michelle & Denise: [laugh like the TV host]

Host: And remember, it's only two dollars a minute, and don't forget to ask your parents.

Michelle & Denise: [laugh like TV host]

Denise: Are you going to call 'Funny Buddy' again?

Michelle: Sure am, last time I told one of his jokes, milk came out of my daddy's nose.

Denise: I asked my daddy if I could call and he said: 'Denise, do you think money grows on trees?'

Michelle: My daddy didn't say anything.

Denise: How come?

Michelle: 'Cause I asked him when he was vacuuming the rug.

Denise: He probably didn't hear you.

Michelle: That's the idea.

[Michelle and Denise laugh as Michelle picks up the phone to make a call...]

Stephanie: I’m not exaggerating, Dad. Nobody in school can stand this kid Charles. He’s a total obnoxitor.

Danny: Well, come on, Steph. How bad can he be?

Stephanie: Bad. Flufner, our class bunny, tried to bite him. Deej, help me out. I have to do a project with a real jerk. You have tons of experience dealin’ with someone who’s rude and crude.

Kimmy: Deej, do you have a friend I don’t know about?

D.J.: Um, look, Steph, sometimes people can seem obnoxious from the outside. But when you spend time alone with them, really get to know them, become friends with them, you realize they’re not so bad.

Kimmy: Who is this person?

Danny: Steph, come here. I know Charlie can seem like a jerk. But, honey, there’s good in everybody. Beck, let me ask you something. Remember that guy we interviewed on the show a couple of weeks ago? Was it Tommy Bun?

Becky: Oh, yeah. What a jerk.

Danny: Yeah, he did charge over a million dollars on other people’s credit cards. But remember later in the interview? He showed a different side of himself.

Becky: Yeah. He mooned us.

Danny: Actually before that. Remember before he told us all that other stuff, he told us how he used to carpool? Of course, it was a stolen car, and he was fleeing the country.

Stephanie: My dad's gonna flip out on me.

Charles: Well, you know what helps sometimes? Try thinking of a funny movie, like ' or "Roger Rabbit" [meaning ' (1988)].

Charles: I don’t care if you swear on your mother’s life.

Stephanie: My mother's not alive.

Charles: Oh. I’m sorry. Mine’s not alive, either.

Stephanie: I’m sorry.

Charles: Look, the truth is, my dad does hit me sometimes. But it’s my own fault for ticking him off. Boy, did he clobber me last week.

Stephanie: You mean that day you came in and said you ran into a door?

Charles: Yeah — a door named 'Dad'.

Mrs. Patterson: Good morning, class. Stephanie, I'm afraid we're gonna have to find you another partner for your assignment.

Stephanie: Why? I thought I was working with Charles.

Mrs. Patterson: Well, he's gonna be out all week. He had an accident.

Jennifer S.: He is an accident.

[She and Jennifer P. laugh.]

Stephanie: Hey, cut it out! That's not funny!

Jennifer P.: Hey, don't have a freak attack.

Mrs. Patterson: Alright, that's enough, let's take our seats.

Stephanie: Mrs. Patterson, what kind of accident did Charles have?

Mrs. Patterson: Well, his father said he fell down the stairs.

Stephanie: Oh no.

[As her teacher sits down at her desk, Stephanie goes to tell her something.]

Mrs. Patterson: What is it, Stephanie?

Stephanie: [then, remembering what she swore to Charles] Um... nothing.

[Danny confronts Michelle about the Funny Buddy phone charges.]

Danny: Michelle, did you know these Funny Buddy calls cost money?

Michelle: Yes, I did.

Danny: You did. And did you know that every call you make shows up on this bill?

Michelle: No, but I do wish that somebody told me.

Danny: So you knew you were doing wrong and you still went ahead and did it?

Michelle: I'm really sorry, Daddy. I'll never do it again. [She tries to leave, but he stops her dead in her tracks.]

Danny: Hold it. Not so fast. [She starts walking slowly back towards him.] I mean, come back here, please. You know, sometimes saying 'I'm sorry' is not enough.

Michelle: But, sometimes it is.

Danny: But not this time, okay? Every night this week, you're going to bed an hour earlier, because I want you to think about what you did wrong.

Michelle: That's not fair.

Danny: I think it is fair. I want you upstairs.

Michelle: But...

Danny: No. No 'buts'. I want you upstairs, pronto.

Michelle: [angrily, as she heads upstairs] I can't make a phone call. Daddy is so mean, I can't do anything...

[In Stephanie and Michelle's room, as the older sister pets Comet, the younger walks in angrily.]

Michelle: I'm never talking to Daddy again, he's a big meany.

Stephanie: Don't say that.

Michelle: He's making me go to bed early.

Stephanie: Big deal.

Michelle: It is to me.

Stephanie: Look, I'm telling you, don't ever call Dad names.

Michelle: You can't tell me what to do.

Stephanie: Yes, I can. I'm your big sister.

Michelle: You're not that big.

Stephanie: I'm bigger than you.

Michelle / Stephanie: So? [Both raise their voices and get in each other's faces with each one, until Jesse, hearing the commotion outside, enters.]

Jesse: Hey hey hey, Itchy, Scratchy, what's going on in here? I'm trying to read [holding a book in his hand] out here.

Stephanie: Michelle's saying terrible things about Dad.

Michelle: Daddy punished me.

Jesse: [putting down his book and removing his glasses] Hey now, Michelle, your dad is a very fair man. If he punished you, I'm sure there must have been a very good reason [taking a cue from "The Devil Made Me Do It"].

Stephanie: Why did they have to take him out of his house?

Jesse: They had to. He wasn’t safe there.

Stephanie: What’s gonna happen to Charles?

Jesse: Well, Charles and his father need help, and now they’re gonna get it.

Jesse: I know how hard this has been for you. But the bottom line is, thanks to you Charles’ father can't hurt him tonight.

Stephanie: What made his father so mean?

Jesse: I don't know. I look at you girls and I look at Nicky and Alex. How could anyone hurt their child?

[Everyone heads into the kitchen for dinner, just as Danny comes in from the back door.]

Danny: Okay everybody, I got pizzas. Eat them while they're hot.

Joey: Mmm-mmm-mmm. Pass it around.

Becky: Nicky, Alex, you want some pizza?

D.J.: Is there any pepperoni?

Michelle: Oh, boy. I'm starving.