The Ballad of Filthy Muck


 * [The episode begins at Patrick's rock. Patrick, who is incredibly smelly and dirty, yawns and wakes up from his slumber. He takes a sniff of his odor and almost gags. Patrick falls off from the rock as a fancy lady passes by with her worms.]
 * Lady: [sniffs Patrick's stench and coughs] How unsavory. [grabs her worms and clogs her nose with them]
 * [The lady leaves and Patrick's rock falls flat. But the smelly odor from Patrick melts the rock. Patrick heads over to the Krusty Krab where his stench melts the sign. He enters the restaurant and his stench causes Squidward and the customers to run out while covering their noses. SpongeBob is minding his own business flipping Krabby Patties on the grill. But Patrick's disgusting smell attracts his attention.]
 * SpongeBob: [sniffs Patrick's odor and it slaps him] Ow! [turns around and sees a smelly and filthy Patrick in the kitchen; he sniffs him again and gags; he pulls off his nose]Patrick, when was the last time you took a bath?
 * Patrick: Uh. I can't think that far behind.
 * SpongeBob: That is the smelliest smell I have ever smelled. It's actually quite impressive.
 * Patrick: Why thank you!
 * SpongeBob: Do you, uh, mind if I take another whiff?
 * Patrick: [lifts his armpit up] Take a crack at it. [SpongeBob sniffs his armpit and his eyes explode] Uh, uh-huh.
 * [Meanwhile, in Mr. Krabs' office, Mr. Krabs is adding money in his fake bank. He puts a coin on the fake bank and a smaller version of himself takes the coin. Mr. Krabs laughs until he sniffs Patrick's stench.]
 * Mr. Krabs: Huh? [sniffs Patrick's stench and gags; he sniffs his armpit] Phew. Nope. [opens his fake bank, takes out his small version of himself and sniffs his armpit] Nope. Hmm. [peeks into the bathroom and sniffs over a customer's stall] Nope. [leaves]
 * Administrator Flotsam: Huh. Can't please everyone.
 * Mr. Krabs: Huh. [sees the fumes from Patrick's stench from the kitchen door] Huh? What is Sulfur City? [enters the kitchen] Ah-ha! [grabs Patrick and kicks him out of the restaurant] And don't come back until you've cleaned up your act! [goes back in]
 * Patrick: Oh, yeah? Well, what if I don't clean up my act, huh? I'm revolting! [his stench wilts some flowers; takes out a roll of toilet paper] I proclaim a declamation of stink-dependence! [his stench fumes form into trumpets and they blow musical notes; he pouts] Hmph! [the jellyfish above him falls after smelling his stench as he leaves]
 * [The scene changes to Patrick swimming in sewage. Patrick then jumps into several garbage cans and playing in the garbage. Then Patrick rolls around in smelly laundry in a men's locker room. Then, later at night, a stinky and filthy Patrick walks past the dump. He takes notice of the filthy stench from the dump and sniffs it. He sighs happily as the gates open and Patrick enters the dump.]
 * French Narrator: The next...[coughs and gags] The next morning...
 * [The next day, a filthy and smelly creature covered in muck and sludge wakes up from its slumber. The creature's shape looks ironically similar to Patrick Star. The creature slithers down from the garbage and spreads its smelly stench to Bikini Bottom Park. Joggers run from the creature while covering their noses.]
 * Man: [passing by and smells the creature's stench] Good Neptune!
 * Norma Rechid: Oh! [covers her nose]
 * Tyler: I can't breathe! [Norma puts a gas mask on her son's face] Thank you, Mother.
 * Rube: Amazing! [snaps a picture of the disgusting creature]
 * Morty: [holds up a newspaper entitled, "Filthy Muck Spotted"] Extra, extra! Filthy Muck spotted in town! Mysterious smelly figure terrorizes Bikini Bottom's noses!
 * Big nose fish: [after reading the newspaper] Jumpin' Jehoshaphat! [takes out a large clothes pin and puts it on his nose]
 * [The scene changes to customers eating at a nearby café.]
 * Clay: I don't—I don't really watch, though.
 * [Suddenly, Filthy Muck's stench rolls in and everyone except Old Man Jenkins runs away covering their noses. Filthy Muck eats Old Man Jenkins' sandwich.]
 * Old Man Jenkins: Eh, Filthy Muck. You don't scare me. I can't smell. [Filthy Muck belches in his face and leaves] My nose ain't work since the great Sulfur War of '09! Humph! [throws the table over] What are you looking at?!
 * [Meanwhile, back at the Krusty Krab, SpongeBob is reading the newspaper with Filthy Muck's picture on it.]
 * SpongeBob: Oh, I know him! It's Patrick. Filthy Muck is Patrick. [the customer closes the newspaper] Oh, that poor repulsive pile of sludge. All alone without a friend. I gotta find him. I gotta help him. I gotta love him.
 * [The customers look at SpongeBob with strange expressions on their faces. But they eventually cheered for SpongeBob's friendship for Patrick. SpongeBob removes his nose and puts a collar and leash on it like a dog.]
 * SpongeBob: [takes out Patrick's shorts] Shablam!
 * [The nose smells Patrick's shorts and picks up the starfish's smelly scent. The nose pulls SpongeBob out through the front doors and leads him to with his "friend" is.]
 * Frank: See? I told you this town was pet-friendly.
 * Debbie Rechid: Walkies?
 * Frank: [puts on a collar and gives Debbie a leash] Oh, boy. [walks and pants like a dog]
 * [SpongeBob's nose continues to track down Patrick's scent where it leads them to the dump where Patrick was last seen. SpongeBob puts his nose back on his face. The smelly fumes from the dump nearly gags him. He enters the dump while holding his nose closed.]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, are you in there?
 * [SpongeBob hears laughter nearby and sees Filthy Muck rolling around in the garbage. And since Filthy Muck is shaped like a starfish, SpongeBob mistakens the disgusting creature as Patrick.]
 * Filthy Muck: Yummy.
 * SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick! [goes to hug Filthy Muck as it gets up, but he's too smelly and disgusting] It's like you've got a force-field of stink around you. I can't penetrate it. [the stench pushes SpongeBob back]Hmm. [scoops up some sludge] Hey, maybe a little trash-stachio will neutralize the smell and get m sniffer used to it. [smears the sludge on his and starts to become smelly; he sniffs] Mm-hmm. [gets closer to Filthy Muck] It's working. Should I call you "Patrick" or "Filthy Muck?" [laughs] I'm gonna call you Filthy Muck. [laughs as he hops in Filthy Muck's arms] Mm-hmm. [grabs some sludge from Filthy Muck's head and spreads it on his head] And you can call me "Little Yuck." [he and Filthy Muck laugh]
 * [The scene changes into a montage of SpongeBob and Filthy Muck playing around in sewage, garbage cans, and dirty laundry just like Patrick did earlier. During the montage, the song, "The Ballad of Filthy Muck Song" is played.]
 * Lead Singer: ♪If you ever smell the stink of an unwashed dog, or inhaled the fumes of a gassy bog. If a whiff of rancid rubbish make your tonsils clench, Well, friend, that's just a hint of Filthy Muck stench! Filthy Muck!♪
 * Chorus: ♪Filthy Muck!♪
 * Lead Singer: ♪Filthy Muck!♪
 * Chorus: ♪Filthy Muck!♪
 * Lead Singer: ♪And his nauseating buddy Little Yuck.♪
 * Chorus: ♪Pee-yew!♪
 * Lead Singer: ♪They roam with sweaty socks and musky boots, they frolic with the belches and the putrid poots. Living by the code of the stink-filled snoots, They love every aroma just as long as it pollutes! Filthy Muck!♪
 * Chorus: ♪Filthy Muck!♪
 * Lead Singer: ♪Filthy Muck!♪
 * Chorus: ♪Filthy Muck!♪
 * Lead Singer: ♪There's no stink that ever stank so rank. No stagnant mildew half as dank. As the stinky stank of Filthy Muck...♪
 * Lead Singer and Chorus: ♪And his buddy Little Yuck!♪
 * [Rube snaps a picture of SpongeBob, aka Little Yuck, and Filthy Muck as the song ends. The scene changes to Morty holding a newspaper entitled, "Filthy Muck Finds Playmate."]
 * Morty: Extra, extra! Read all about it! Filthy Muck finds playmate! Noses on high alert!
 * Big nose fish: [reads newspaper and his nose glows red] My schnozzola!
 * [The scene changes to customers running out of a Bistro restaurant. SpongeBob and Filthy Muck are eating the gourmet foods inside.]
 * SpongeBob: People left their food behind. [eats some food with Filthy Muck] Shouldn't go to waste.
 * Old Man Jenkins: I don't care how many of you there are, you don't scare me! I can't smell! [coughs]
 * [The scene changes to SpongeBob and Filthy Muck scaring people away with their stench at an outdoor theater. SpongeBob and Filthy Muck climb on the stage.]
 * SpongeBob: Huh, people left their instruments behind. Shouldn't go to waste. [plays music with Filthy Muck]
 * Old Man Jenkins: Boo! I can't smell, but you two stink! [laughs]
 * [The scene changes to Glove World!. The amusement park is completely deserted mostly due to SpongeBob and Filthy Muck's foul stench. SpongeBob and Filthy Muck are seen riding on the roller coaster. The ride reaches back to the boarding station.]
 * SpongeBob: Wow, I never knew how great smelling bad can be. There are no lines for anything. How you doing back there, Old Man Jenkins?
 * Old Man Jenkins: [removes the sludge from his face] I'm not—
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, we know. "Not scared 'cause you can't smell." [laughs] We love you, man. [cuts back to the dump where SpongeBob and Filthy Muck are lying down looking at the starry sky; sighs] Today was a beautiful day, Patrick. Oops, I mean Filthy Muck. [laughs] Ah, just look at the beautiful stars in the sky. [sees something bellow] And look at the stars down there on the ground. [the "stars" turn out to be an angry mob] Oh, they're not stars. They're flames on sticks. Hi, everybody. [slides down the sludge and Filthy Muck follows] We having a luau?
 * Con man: Luau nothing! We're running you and your stinky friend out of town!
 * [The mob shouts in agreement.]
 * SpongeBob: But it's me, SpongeBob! [wipes the sludge clean off his body, puts on his Krusty Krab work hat, and holds up a spatula] Bikini Bottom's favorite fry cook?
 * [The mob utters while thinking it over.]
 * Con man: All right, well, you can stay if you clean up your act. But he's gotta go!
 * SpongeBob: [tries to protect Filthy Muck] No, please! I'll clean him up! I promise! [grabs Filthy Muck and runs away]
 * [The angry mob chases SpongeBob and Filthy Muck. The chase goes to the Boat Wash, where a clean boat comes out. SpongeBob tries to clean Filthy Muck in the Boat Wash, but nothing helps.]
 * SpongeBob: Nope, still filthy. [runs away]
 * [The angry mob runs through the Boat Wash, but the water inside puts out the torches.]
 * Frankie Billy: Did you bring any matches?
 * Henry-Bart: Nah, I didn't bring any matches.
 * Frankie Billy: To the flame store!
 * [The angry mob goes to relight their torches. SpongeBob is at the dry cleaning place where he tries to dry clean Filthy Muck. But when the clerk returns him to SpongeBob, nothing helped.]
 * Dry cleaning clerk: We couldn't get the stain out.
 * SpongeBob: Uh, thanks anyway! [runs off as the angry mob bursts through the window and continues to chase them; SpongeBob tries to wash the sludge off of Filthy Muck with the hose, but nothing is working]Huh? [the angry mob closes in on them and are about to destroy Filthy Muck] No! Patrick's my best friend! Please, put down your torches and pick up mops and soap! We can clean him. That would solve everything.
 * Con man: Can I rub real hard to express my anger?! [pants]
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, I guess so.
 * Con man: [growls] Good!
 * Angry mob: [calms down as they put down their torches and pitchforks and hold up mops, brooms, brushes and buckets of soap and water] Yeah!
 * [SpongeBob and the mob rub and scrub the muck and sludge off of Filthy Muck. But once they were finished, Filthy Muck was gone. Everyone gasps in surprise.]
 * SpongeBob: [looks through the remains] Where'd he go? There's nothing there! He was the muck! Oh, Patrick!
 * Patrick: [suddenly appears all cleaned up] That's my name.
 * SpongeBob: Huh? [the mob gasps in shock] Ooh!
 * Patrick: At least, I think it's my name.
 * SpongeBob: [hugs Patrick] That wasn't you under all that muck?
 * Patrick: Uh, I don't think so. I went home and took a bath after I realized that I'd never be allowed in the Krusty Krab again.
 * SpongeBob: But if that was—then who was—?
 * Old Man Jenkins: [screams as he covers his eyes] Now I'm scared! I'm really scared! [whimpers] I can't take it!
 * SpongeBob: Hey, I thought you said you had no sense of smell.
 * Old Man Jenkins: I don't, but I can see!
 * [Old Man Jenkins points to Patrick's buttocks being shown. The scene pulls out to reveal that Patrick is naked after he dropped his towel. Everyone except Squidward and Old Man Jenkins laugh at Patrick's nakedness. While everyone is enjoying their humorous occasion, the wind blows the remains of Filthy Muck. They morph together to bring Filthy Muck back to life. Filthy Muck waves good-bye down to SpongeBob and silently thanks him for the fun he had.]
 * Lead Singer: ♪There's no stink that ever stank so rank. No stagnant mildew half as dank. As the stinky stank of Filthy Muck...♪
 * Lead Singer and Chorus: ♪And his buddy Little Yuck!♪
 * Rube: Amazing! [snaps a picture of himself with Filthy Muck]