Nocan the Contrarian

Narrator: Ah, Saturday morning. Time to sleep in, watch cartoons, or reorganize your unicorn collection.

(Scene: Becky’s bedroom. Bob is stretched out on the bed, with a near catatonic expression. Becky also has her unicorns laid out on the bed, and is playing with them.)

Becky: Clippity-cloppity, clippity-cloppity... heh heh... isn’t this fun, Bob?

(Bob, still lying on the bed, gives a thumbs down.)

Becky: Well! That’s certainly the  contrary  opinion. I’m having a ball! (to the unicorn she’s holding) Okay, Mr. Huffenstuff, would you like to live on the bookshelf next the beautiful Queen Rainbow Mane? Oh boy, I smell romance! Or, you can live in the cabinet with the  exquisite  Arch-Duke Wigglesnout. What do you say? What’s that? What’s that? That’s a good choice.

Mr. Botsford: (screaming) I’M A WINNER! I was drinking my usual Saturday morning Cranberry-tastic Super Cran-cran-a-lot, and underneath the cap it says, I’ve won the grand prize! I get to be mayor for a day! Mayor-- for a DAY! Can you believe it?! Yeah-hah-hah!

Becky: Oh, boy. (to Bob) We should probably tag along. Who know what kind of trouble Dad can get into running the city? Come on, Bob. The unicorns will just-- they’ll just have to wait.

Narrator: Later, at City Hall...

(Scene: City Hall. Photographers, including Scoops, are there snapping pictures. The mayor stands next to Mr. Botsford, who is holding a key to the city.)

Mayor: And so, I hereby declare that you, Mr. Tim Botsford, shall be the official mayor of the city for one full day starting-- (looking at his watch) --now! (He dashes off. Mr. Botsford walks ove to the window and opens it.)

Mr. Botsford: Uh, Mr. Mayor?

Mayor: (offscreen)

Mr. Botsford: What is it exactly that I’m supposed to- you know-- do?

(The mayor is sitting in his car, with all sorts of recreation equipment packed into the back seat.)

Mayor: Uh, just keep things, uh, running normally. If anyone asks for something, uh, just give it to them. Uh, if it’s reasonable... it has to be reas-- a-and, please don’t break anything.

(The mayor drives away.)

Mr. Botsford: Oh. Shouldn’t be hard.

(He sits down at the mayor’s desk, with Becky and Bob standing beside him.)

Mr. Botsford: Hmm... mayor for a day. Ha. Ooh, look at this.

(He begins playing with a Newton’s cradle game sitting on the desk, but it comes apart and the balls bounce everywhere.)

Mr. Botsford: Ahh-- uhh-- oh. Not my fault, uh, well, totally my fault, but not a big deal. I-- I owe the city for one desktop click-clack thing. (Bob writes it down on a pad.) Off to a bad start.

Narrator: Meanwhile, at the city marina, trouble is on the horizon.

(Scene: The marina. Violet is building a sandcastle, while Ms. Heaslip has fallen asleep in a lounge chair while reading Princess Triana and the Ogre of Castlebum.  Their cat Priscilla is sleeping on Ms. Heaslip’s lap. Suddenly, a large ship pulls up alongside them, and a stocky man dressed like a viking gets off the ship and walks toward Violet.)

Nocan: Greetings, tiny peasant girl! I am Nocan, hailing from the distant land of Contraria. And that makes me... Nocan the Contrarian!

Violet: I’m Violet. From the city, which makes me, I guess, (imitating Nocan) Violet from the City! Do you like my sandcastle? Isn’t it tall?

Nocan: Tall? Nooo... SHORT! (He pulls out his sword, and shoves it into the sand. It sends out shock waves, knocking Violet over and demolishing the castle.)

Violet: But it was so  exquisite .

Nocan:  Exquisite ? Nooo... UGLY! Nocaaaaan! Now, I must locate the king of this land, for I plan to rule this kingdom!

Violet: Um... I don’t think we have a king, but we do have a mayor. He’s that way. (points to City Hall)

Nocan: Thank you. (running toward City Hall) HE’S THAT WAY!

Violet: (looking at the pile of sand) Oh. I can start anew!

(Scene: Back at City Hall. A group of citizens are gathered around the mayor’s desk.)

Mr. Botsford: Mayor for a day! Ha, this is too much fun. Next!

Tofu guy: Mr. Mayor? I’d like there to be a bus stop outside of Taco Bonanza. I love tacos, but it’s a long walk from my apartment. So...

Becky: (whispering in her dad’s ear) That sounds like a reasonable request.

Mr. Botsford: Okay. Congratulations, hungry citizen, you will get your bus stop.

Tofu guy: Okay. How about free tacos for life? That’s reasonable, right?

Mr. Botsford: Hold on.

(Becky whispers in his ear again.)

Mr. Botsford: Nope. On the  contrary , my assistant informs me that that is not a reasonable request. You will have to pay for your tacos like everyone else. Who’s next?

Older lady: Uh, I would like more crosswalks on Main Street.

Mr. Botsford: I don’t even have to check on that one. Reasonable! Consider it done.

Lady 2: Hello. I think the city should give me lots of outrageous costumes for my cats. Like, diamond-studded kitty jumpsuits, and little tiny kitten leg warmers for when it’s cold outside.

Mr. Botsford: Ha, well that sounds completely reas--

(Becky whispers into his ear.)

Mr. Botsford: Hm? Okay. Not reasonable. I’m sorry. But potentially very cute. Next? (whispering to Becky) This is going great! I’m starting to get the hang of this whole mayor business.

(From across the room, they hear a loud grunting sound. Nocan breaks into the room, leaving a hole in the wall shaped like him.)

Nocan: Ah-ha!

Becky: (to Bob) Huh. This can’t be good.

Nocan: You! Sitting on that throne! You must be the ruler of this kingdom! I am Nocan the Contrarian!

Mr. Botsford: Well, hello there. My name is Tim Botsford, and while I’m no king, I am the mayor of the city just for today. Now, if you’d like to make a request or ask a question, you’ll have to wait in line over there.

Nocan: There? Nooo, HERE! (He jumps onto the desk, then buries his sword into it, knocking everyone over.) Now, I am the mayor! The new ruler of the kingdom, and everyone shall do what I say!

Mr. Botsford: Well, actually, Mr. Contrarian, I was the grand prize winner of the Mayor For a Day contest.

(Nocan picks him up off the floor.)

Mr. Botsford: Hello! Now if YOU had found a winning bottle cap, YOU’D be the mayor for a day, but that’s not how it worked out. (chuckles nervously) So could you please put me down?

Nocan: Down? Nooo. UP!

(He flings Mr. Botsford toward the ceiling. He grabs onto the chandelier and hangs on.)

Mr. Botsford: Whoa!

Nocan: NO-CANN!

Becky: Dad!

Mr. Botsford: Whoa! Okay. Now I’m stuck. But the view from up here is pretty nice.

(The chandelier starts coming loose from the ceiling. Becky dashes over to a padded armchair and pushes it under her dad. He fall down onto it, along with the chandelier.)

Becky: (to Bob) Let’s get him out of here.

(She pushes the chair with Mr. Botsford out of the door.)

Mr. Botsford: Hoo! Good catch back there, Becky. Say, isn’t this chandelier charming? So pretty and refined.

Becky: Some might say it’s  exquisite , because it’s super beautiful and excellent.

Mr. Botsford: It is  exquisite . I should probably fix it before the real mayor comes back. He told me not to break anything, and I’ve already broken a whole lot of things.

Becky: Hey, maybe the hardware store will have the parts you need.

Mr. Botsford:  Exquisite  idea! I’ll go right now.

Becky: Oh. That was easy. Come on, Bob. We’ve got work to do. Word UP!

Narrator: Back in the mayor’s office...

(Nocan has redecorated the office a bit. He has hung a shield on the wall and flaming torches.)

Nocan: Now I am the mayor of this kingdom! What do you peasants want with me?

Man: Well, since I guess you’re the mayor now, I was wondering if you can help me with my electricity bill. I want it to be lower.

Nocan: Lower? Nooo. HIGHER! Your bill is now a million dollars! Pay me now!

Man: A million dollars? Ooh, I am ruined! (He carries two bags of money up to Nocan and sets them down in front of him.)

Nocan: Next?

Oak Street lady: Hello, Mr. Contrarian. I was wondering if we could have a few more stop signs along Oak Street?

Nocan: More stop signs? Nooo. FEWER! Better yet, you will have NONE! No stop signs anymore anywhere in my kingdom!

Oak Street lady: Oh dear, but that won’t be safe.

Nocan: Safe? Nooo. DANGEROUS! NOCANN!

WordGirl: Dangerous? On the  contrary , Nocan. I’m here to make sure the city is safe for all citizens. And I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave!

Nocan: You want me to leave? Nooo. Nocan STAYS!

WordGirl: Well, I asked you nicely, but I guess barbarians don’t usually respond to nice. Attack!

(Nocan traces a circle in front of him with his sword, forming a barrier. WordGirl flies toward him at high speed, but bounces off of the barrier and lands with Huggy in a fountain outside.)

WordGirl: Ugh. This guy’s tough, Huggy. I can’t figure out his weakness.

(Nocan jumps out of the door and lands on top of the fountain.)

Nocan: Our battle continues, angry pixie warrior!

WordGirl: For your information, the name’s WordGirl, and you’re so going to lose!

Nocan: Lose? Nooo. I will WIN!

WordGirl: Ha!

(She picks him up and flies him above City Hall, holding him by the boot.)

WordGirl: I’m strong!

(She drops him onto the domed room, and he buries his sword into it.)

Nocan: No, WEAK!

WordGirl: I’m fast!

Nocan: No, SLOW!

WordGirl: I’m determined!

Nocan: No, SPINELESS!

WordGirl: Wait a minute. Everytime I say something, you say the exact opposite. You always have a  contrary  opinion.

Nocan: No I don’t.

WordGirl: Yes you do.

Nocan: No I don’t!

WordGirl: Yes-- that’s exactly my point! You’re being  contrary . No matter what I say, you say the opposite. I said lose, and you said win. I said strong, and you said weak!

(Nocan mocks her by moving his fingers, mimicking her talking.)

Nocan: Less talking, more fighting!

(Huggy reaches his arms toward him, trying to fight.)

WordGirl: No no, wait! Hold on, Huggy. No matter what we ask Nocan the Contrarian to do, he’s always gonna be  contrary  and do the opposite. Let’s let him win this fight. (Huggy scratches his head.) Just trust me. (to Nocan) Uh, we give up.

Nocan: Ha ha! I have defeated the angry pixie warrior and her lemur friend! Back to my castle! NOCANN!

(He stomps on the dome, breaking a hole through it, then falls through. WordGirl flies back to the ground, where a group of citizens were watching.)

Lady 2: WordGirl, you let him get away!

Older lady: Boo!

Man: Yeah. Poor form.

WordGirl: Don’t worry, everybody, I’ve got an  exquisite  plan.

(She whispers to them. A few seconds later, they all head inside, where Nocan is sitting on his "throne".)

Nocan: Ha-a-a, you’re back. What do you want now, peasants?

Man: I’d like you to raise my electricity bill. I’d like it to be higher. Much, much higher.

Nocan: Higher? Nooo. I will make it LOWER! Two pennies a month. FOREVER! A-ha, a-ha-ha-ha.

(He tosses the bags of money back to the man.

Man: Thank you, Nocan.

Oak Street lady: Um, hi again, I’d like there to be fewer stop signs on Oak Street so it will be more dangerous.

Nocan: Fewer? Nooo. MORE! MANY MORE! And it won’t be dangerous, it will be safe! VERY SAFE!

Oak Street lady: Thank you, Nocan the Contrarian.

Tofu guy: I would like very expensive tacos, uh, rarely?

Nocan: Expensive tacos? But only rarely? NOOO! I demand you have FREE TACOS FOR LIVE!

Tofu guy: Nocan! Dude!

WordGirl: (to Huggy) Watch this. (to Nocan) Nocan the Contrarian, on behalf of the citizens of the city, I would like to ask you to STAY here and be our king forever and ever!

Nocan: Stay? Nooo. LEAVE! NOCANN!

(He jumps to the nearest wall and breaks through.)

WordGirl: Ugh. This guy just hates doors.

(Huggy chatters happily.)

WordGirl: Ah, thanks. But really, it was easy once I realized he was being so  contrary  all the time, all we had to do was ask for the opposite of what we wanted.

(Mr. Botsford returns, carrying the chandelier.)

Mr. Botsford: I’m back from the hardware store. Is Nocan the Contrarian gone?

WordGirl: The city’s all yours.

Mr. Botsford: Fantastic. Now, if I can just fix all this before the mayor gets back--

(The mayor walks in.)

Mayor: Uh, what is going on here?

(He lifts his sunglasses, revealing tan lines around where the glasses were.)

Mayor: What happened to my desktop click-clack toy? And my  exquisite  chandelier?

Mr. Botsford: Um... if I told you an enormous warrior named Nocan the Contrarian came in, took over and broke a lot of stuff, you’d believe me, wouldn’t you?

Mayor: No. On the  contrary , I’d think you were making up a story.

WordGirl: He’s telling the truth, Mr. Mayor. But the city is safe now. Nocan’s gone, and all that’s left to do is clean up the mess he made.

Mayor: Well, I guess this room could use a few more doors.

Narrator: And so, thanks to WordGirl, the city is safe from Nocan the Contrarian.

WordGirl: Come on, Huggy. We’ve got some unicorn cataloging to finish!

(Huggy puts his finger to his mouth, telling her to be quiet.)

WordGirl: I- I mean, crime to fight.

(She picks up Huggy and takes off.)

Narrator: And Becky Botsford can get back to reorganizing her  exquisite  unicorn collection. Join us next time for another ordinary, boring episode of WordGirl.

Becky: Hey!

Narrator: Just kidding. I was being  contrary . I meant, another incredibly exciting episode of WordGirl!

(For the closing, Becky is sitting on the bed playing with her unicorns, while Bob puts on a nightcap and lies down.)