The Marriage Doctor

Why are you making a snack?

We had couscous an hour ago.

Honey, couscous is not a meal.

It's an appetizer with ambition.

It's like the Jeb Bush of food.

(Laughs)

That is so funny. You always make me laugh.

What do you want, woman?

I had this idea for our summer vacation.

Well, if it's about going camping in Wyoming, that's my idea, but you can take credit for it. Okay.

I-I know you're gonna groan when I say this, but I was thinking we could finally go to Paris.

(Laughs) You are so funny.

You always make me laugh. It's great.

What is so terrible about Paris?

It's in France!

Come on.

I've been asking to go there for years.

And I've been saying "no" for years.

We're on a roll here, hon.

No, no, no. Think about it. Think about it.

Paris in June, and I've been learning French, so I already know how to say, "You'll have to excuse him. He's American." (Chuckles)

(Sighs)

Men are so frustrating.

Oh, honey, I wish I could say that feeling went away.

(Sighs)

Mm-hmm.

Kyle and I are having our first real fight.

It's like a reality TV show, but with no music to tell me how to feel.

That does sound like a reality TV show.

That's why I'm totally uninterested.

What, uh, what was the fight about, sweetie?

The wedding.

I told him I really wanted to get married in our church, and Kyle really wants to get married in his.

He won't give in.

No, Mandy, you have to convince him.

Kristin got married in our church.

It's a... It's a tradition.

The Baxter girls all have their wedding there.

How could it be a tradition if just Kris got married there?

We got married there.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, well, one of you has to convince him because I already tried my best.

I texted him a sad face, a church, a hot-air balloon, and a cactus, and all I got back was a question mark, so...

You, uh, you need to talk to Kyle.

Why me?

Well, because he'll listen to you.

He'll listen to anybody.

He's like a smiling satellite dish with a ponytail.

♪

Hey, Kyle.

Look, I understand you and Mandy had your first big argument.

You finally have something to talk to a bartender about.

It was awful. Yeah.

It was like being pecked at by a duckling.

You want to love it, but after a while, you're like, "Hey, duckling, come on!"

Okay.

Well, get used to it, because marriage is just a series of disagreements, you know, like how many kids to have, where to live, is 100 bucks too much to spend to keep a dog alive.

I just don't like fighting.

Yeah, nobody does.

Well, I do, but you got to pick your battles.

You know, win the ones you want to win, and lose the ones that don't cost you that much.

So lose some on purpose?

Exactly.

Vanessa and I are having an argument about where to go on vacation, right?

You know, she wants to go to Europe.

I keep telling her I want to go camping.

Oh, okay. So you're gonna let her win this one.

No. I'm gonna let her lose.

You just got to pick your battles.

Well, I have to pick this one because I really want to get married in my church.

Why?

Your church used to be a roller rink.

Six days a week, it still is.

It's just your new pastor wants everybody to attend premarital counseling.

What if he doesn't think we should get married?

I wouldn't worry about that.

I don't know the new pastor personally, but Vanessa and I are, um, big donors, if you know what I'm talking about.

That's great.

It's important to give blood.

The truth is, I don't really know anything about being a husband.

You know, my dad wasn't around when I was growing up, so I never had a role model.

You know, on the farm, we had a hog who really loved his sow, but what if reverend Paul doesn't think Gumball is enough?

Sounds interesting.

What are we talking about here?

Well, Kyle's a little worried that the pastor at my church won't think he has anyone in his life to teach him how to be a good husband, and his best candidate is a pig.

Well, pigs are intelligent beasts, which is probably why they do not mate for life.

You can cross Ed off your list.

I would make a great reference.

I've been married 26 years.

But not in a row, and not to the same woman.

Yes, well that's... that's right.

And I'm battle tested, see?

This one here's spent the last 30 years with his lady, skipping down the yellow brick road.

Well, you got me there.

Nothing more embarrassing than a successful marriage.

If your pastor wants to know if you have a good role model, tell him you got the best one in the world... me.

Hey, yeah. That's right.

Yeah.

I mean, you certainly set a better example than Gumball.

Right.

I don't want to be where he ended up.

No.

He's a farm animal.

They're raised for slaughter.

Oh, no, no.

He became my grandma's pet. Hmm.

She makes him wear pants.

Excuse me.

♪

Hey, Eve.

Your dad said I could borrow this for the move.

Got to take apart a bookshelf, but the only tool I have is a Swiffer.

Okay.

Wow.

I leave myself wide open, and you don't take a shot.

Do you have a fever?

It's my government class.

We have this debate coming up, and my teacher is making us take the opposite side of our political beliefs, which means I have to be a... liberal.

It's not a curse word.

Well, it is in this house.

So I've been researching liberal positions.

I Googled "How to talk out of your ass", but that was no help.

By the way, never Google "How to talk out of your ass."

Well, I could help you if you want.

I love the art of stating a thesis and making a cogent argument to support it.

I know. It's the reason Kristin doesn't have dinner parties anymore.

Look, if you really want to prepare, we should have a mock debate.

That's a good idea.

You spew your usual garbage, and I'll mock you.

No, because then you'll never learn how to defend a liberal's point of view.

That's because it has no defense!

Zing!

How's that for a cogent argument?

First sign of a bad argument... the need for the word "zing."

Look, if you want to win, you got to practice saying what a liberal would say.

Okay.

Hooray for taxes!

Give me free stuff!

White men suck!

You mean like that?

♪

Ooh. Look at these.

The Eiffel Tower, Versailles, and then... and then we could head on over to the Loire Valley, see some chateaux.

Or we could go to Wyoming and go camping in the Curt Gowdy State Park!

The best of all state parks named after an old sportscaster.

I can't believe you're still being so stubborn about this.

Hey, what can I say? You didn't marry a quitter.

Neither did you.

We have a problem.

Our meeting with the new pastor did not go well.

What do you mean? What happened?

Kyle started saying all this crazy stuff about being a husband.

We talked about this.

Didn't you explain to him I was your role model?

Oh, yeah. I talked about you a lot.

That was the crazy stuff.

Oh, no, no, no.

Nobody should repeat your father's opinions except for your father.

And (Sighs) honestly, even that's getting old.

So here's the deal.

Before he'll allow us to get married in the church, Reverend Paul needs to meet with you guys to talk about your relationship. What?!

You know, I'm already starting to miss old Reverend Tisdale.

You give him a bottle of Bushmills, he'll do whatever you want.

(Sighs)

So Reverend Paul won't do the wedding because of something you told Kyle?

I want to talk to his supervisor.

Who's got God's number?

Well, what exactly did you tell him?

I said to use us as a role model because we have a solid marriage.

Yeah, and I told him about all that great win-some, lose-some stuff you taught me and how Mrs. B is gonna lose the vacation argument.

Really?

That's when he started writing stuff down on a pad.

I'm gonna lose?

I said you also win some arguments.

What else did I say?

Yeah, that's true... when he lets you.

(Scoffs)

Which, I think, is very generous.

Or, as Reverend Paul put it, "deeply disturbing."

So he needs to meet with you guys tomorrow before he meets with us again.

Come on, Kyle.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

They may not be able to get married in our church because of you. (Sighs)

You know how much I wanted that.

Exactly, which is why that's what we should focus on, not who said what to Kyle or who said they win all the arguments.

Yeah, both you.

Okay, bottom line... we put up a united front to show the new reverend that we have a perfect marriage.

That is so funny! (Stomps foot)

Yeah. (Giggles)

You always make me laugh.

Yeah.

♪

Okay.

Now we both have our own podiums.

Kris, we're ready. (Air hisses)

It's kind of a crappy debate stage.

What is this, MSNBC?

No, no.

Can't make those jokes.

I am the conservative, and you're the liberal, remember?

Right.

Rachel Maddow is my hero.

(Inhales sharply) God, that leaves a taste.

Okay, here are the rules.

You each have 30 seconds for a response.

When you hear this... your time is up.

If you continue talking, you will hear...

(Horn honks)

And if you still won't shut up, I am out of here.

I'm not Megyn Kelly, and I've got packing to do.

Let's begin with a brief opening statement.

Ryan.

America is at a crossroads.

Do we go the way of Ronald Reagan, the greatest man with the greatest hair who ever lived?

Or do we follow the lead of my weak-kneed, socialist opponent who longs for the day when ISIS rules the world and Americans are in chains?

What? That's crazy.

Nobody would say that.

Conservatives say that stuff all the time.

We're lunatics.

Are you gonna take this seriously or not?

Because I'd like to get a good grade on this.

Hey! I didn't even get a chance to respond!

(Horn honks) Oh, my God.

Sorry. You wasted your time.

Okay, next topic... entitlements.

Uh, I'd like to go first on that one. Mm-kay.

Democrats have created a nation of takers who live like kings and who have never done a lick of work in their lives.

My opponent may disagree with this, but the best thing we can do for the poor, elderly, and disabled is to let them rot.

Uh, thank you.

Of course I disagree with that.

Everybody disagrees with that.

You know what? This whole thing is stupid. Okay?

You're just an angry, malnourished vegan that is jealous that I can eat cheeseburgers.

So I quit. This is stupid.

I'm leaving.

Oh, yeah.

And Rachel Maddow sucks.

Man, it is real easy being a conservative.

What is the matter with you?

That was my little sister, and she needed your help.

Trust me. This is going to help.

What? You see, I have a theory...

(Horn honks)

♪

Okay.

Reverend Paul will be right in.

Ah. (Chuckles)

Thanks a lot.

Hey, look at this. Churches of Europe. Ugh.

Maybe we should borrow this to get a preview of what we will be seeing this summer.

Yeah, that's how I want to spend my vacation... going to church.

I hear ya.

(Chuckles)

That'd be a little too much like going to work.

(Both chuckle) Hey, Reverend Paul.

Really nice to meet you two finally.

Mike Baxter.

You've probably seen my name in the bibles right there by the words "donated by."

(All chuckle)

You know, for 50 bucks more, we can give you a "written by."

(Both chuckle)

Uh, I'm Vanessa.

Hi.

We are so thrilled to have you as our new Pastor...

Thank you.

...and... and I'm really loving the contemporary service.

Yeah. Yes, I've always thought "How Great Thou Art" needed a guitar solo.

(Laughs)

Well, please, sit, sit, sit.

You know, we're also very excited about Mandy and Kyle's wedding.

Hopefully happening here in our longtime family church.

In pews we also donated.

Well, Mandy and Kyle are a lovely, young couple.

Yeah, we think so, too.

Well, looks like we covered everything.

We'll see you at the rehearsal dinner.

Um, why don't you have a seat on that sofa that you may or may not have donated?

If your marriage is the model for Mandy and Kyle, well, I have a few questions.

Oh, we have a rock-solid relationship. Mm-hmm.

I mean, we're gonna be the old couple who dies within minutes of each other at the old-age home, face-down in our pudding.

(Laughs)

Both chocolate! Chocolate.

Yeah, that's how my parents went.

Kyle mentioned a vacation argument...

Oh... and apparently you don't want to go camping?

Uh, well, no. No.

I mean, I would much rather go to Paris and sit in cafés, drinking amazing bottles of... coffee.

We have disagreements...

Yeah.

...but at the end of the day, there's a balanced, spirited give and take.

I see.

So might this be one of those times when... How did Kyle put it? ...uh, you let her win?

Listen.

I don't want to say anything bad about Kyle, so let's go to the next question.

(Chuckles) Well, hey.

Don't be judgmental. That's my job.

Vanessa, do you ever feel that sometimes Mike can be a little bit of a bully?

(Scoffs ) Wha...

This woman buys $40 candles, and I'm the bully?

(Scoffs)

Please feel free to speak if you want to say something.

Well, I... No, I mean, I...

Honey, honey, why don't we talk about this later at our favorite restaurant, the United Front?

I'm starting to see what Kyle meant about the pig who wears the pants.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's an actual pig in real pants.

Is it?

Okay.

All right, all right. You know what?

Look... Look, I can clear this whole thing up.

My husband is complicated.

He's... he's stubborn, he's pushy, he has, like, zero patience, and...

Good job, honey.

The man I married is not perfect.

But you know what? Neither am I.

And you have been at this church for... for, what, all of two weeks?

Okay. How... how can you possibly know what goes on between us?

Honey.

Because we fit.

We work. We're perfect.

In our marriage, both of the pigs wear the pants.

And... and I don't know if I want someone officiating in my daughter's marriage who doesn't believe in mine.

Oh, and you know what?

Your guitar service is lame.

You, sir, are no Dave Matthews.

Well, Dave Matthews isn't stuck with Mrs. Osgood as his organist.

(Chuckles)

Oh, wow.

Now you see how I end up with $40 candles.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

What's the world's most perilous journey?

Scaling Everest?

Crossing the Himalayas?

The drive home after eating Indian food?

Dad, is that you?

Nah, the most dangerous expedition is where one half the people quit and the other half die.

Hmm?

Yeah, marriage.

And all the survival gear I sell you won't save you if you marry the wrong person.

You pick the wrong partner, you find yourself in an episode of "Naked and Afraid," only you'll rarely be naked.

On the flip side, you find your true life partner, and there's no mountain or tundra you can't conquer.

And you'll be naked a lot more often.

In Proverbs 21:9, King Solomon wrote, "Better to live on the corner of a roof than share the house with a quarrelsome wife."

And this dude knew wives. He had 700 of them.

That's a lot of anniversaries to remember.

God forbid you give Bathsheba and Esther the same gift.

(Effeminate voice) "Really? A straw hat?"

(Normal voice) And while I appreciate the scripture, the truest thing I ever read about marriage was on a coffee mug.

It said, "Happy Wife, Happy Life."

Hasn't steered me wrong since the day she threw it at me.

♪

Dad, you have to poke some air holes in this one so my stuffed animals can breathe.

Boyd, you are old enough to know that your stuffed animals, they...

Go get me the screwdriver.

(Knock on door)

(Rhythmic knocking)

I knew you'd be back.

I left my binder, so...

You also left your dignity.

All right, fine.

I got mad, and by getting mad, I automatically lost.

Right. Come in.

Your teacher probably wants you to learn how to have a rational and civilized debate.

Well, I don't know why.

The crazy ones get all the good ratings.

Rational and civilized aren't very popular these days, but it is still worth learning.

You know, you're pretty good at this stuff.

We're you ever on your high school debate team?

Nope.

My training started the very first time I said, "I don't think I agree with you, Mike."

Every argument, he'd bait me, and I'd blow up.

Yeah, you used to get pretty mad.

One time, soy milk came out of your nose.

And that's how I'd lose.

But eventually, I learned to keep my cool.

And now you win some?

Nope.

But I keep my cool.

All right, well, if you're still cool with it, I'd love for you to coach me on some liberal arguments so I don't throw up during the debate.

I would be happy to.

Cool. All right.

Um, Obamacare.

(Inhales deeply)

Obamacare is the greatest thing to...

No, I can't do it. I'm gonna need a bucket.

♪

Vanessa? Honey?

(Sighs)

Hi. What were you doing?

Hey, well, since we're gonna need to check out Kyle's church for the wedding, I was looking for my roller skates.

(Sighs)

Look, I-I'm sorry about what happened with the pastor.

No, I think it was great what you did.

He was really coming after us, and for someone who loves France, you really held your ground.

Well, you know, he was wrong.

We make our decisions together.

You have always respected my input.

I do respect your input. Yeah.

But this time, the decision's unilateral.

"The Hopeless Romantic's Guide to Paris"?

I paid some lady to go buy that at a bookstore for me.

We're going to France.

Oh, oh, there's that bully that Reverend Paul was talking about right there.

Okay, okay, but only under one condition.

No conditions.

Yes, one condition.

We're going... we're going to France.

We also find some nice camping areas nearby.

Deal.

We'll take some cheese and a couple nice bottles of coffee.

Oh, yeah.

(Both laugh)

As far as church is concerned, I'll go have a little chat with Reverend Bo Diddley.

(Sighs) No, it's okay.

Maybe... maybe we need to start a new tradition.

Like... Like letting the kids figure out where they want to get married themselves.

Um, Reverend Paul has a message for you guys.

Yeah, I got a little message for Reverend Paul...

Uh... right about... Hey!

Hey!

Welcome to our home. (Chuckles)

I would've called earlier, but I like catching people doing stuff.

I-I need to apologize to you. No, no.

Not for what I said, but for how I said it.

Well, I think we've all prayerfully considered what happened earlier.

Eh, let's forget the prayerfully stuff.

You're not at work. Sit down.

Can I get you something to drink? Wine? A wafer?

Oh, no. Thank you.

I've realized that while part of my responsibility is to teach, I also want to be that pastor that listens and learns.

And on the subject of a strong marriage, I can definitely learn from you two.

(Chuckles)

Just like Kyle and Mandy have.

Reverend Paul said we can get married in the church!

(Gasps) Hey, that's wonderful. Yeah.

But he still won't let me release 600 doves inside.

Really appreciate how this worked out.

Butterflies?

Kyle and Mandy's wedding is gonna be very special.

And it'll be the first reception we have in the rec hall.

Ah, you haven't been here for very long.

The church doesn't have a rec hall.

(Chuckles)

That's the other reason I stopped by.

Hey, Mike.

Hey, come on in.

Just came by to bring back your tools.

Yeah, a man needs his own tools, Ryan.

I totally understand.

That's why I got them back to you as quick as I could.

A man would've understood what I meant there.

Hey. How was your debate?

Great. I destroyed Derrick Lowe.

Good for you. Did you keep it civil?

Use the talking points we rehearsed?

Mm, actually, I went another way.

In my opening statement, I reminded everyone of the time in third grade Derrick had to use his emergency pants.

(Chuckles) Classic.

(Air hisses)

That's not debating.

But it's winning.

See, that is the problem with conservatives... they don't debate, they insult. Yeah.

You know, I never noticed how small your hands were.