Victoria's Birthday

These egg whites aren't bad. I don't miss the yolk at all. Agreed. They don't add anything to the egg experience. Except maybe texture, color and flavor. Well, this is a way better breakfast than, say, a caramel Frappuccino and a doughnut. Oh, absolutely. Are we talking about the traditional glazed doughnut or the more cakey kind? I'm talking about the little mini chocolate ones. You can have one on each finger and still hold a cup of coffee. You know, there's a Dunkin' Donuts exactly one-point-two miles from here. One-point-two? And you know that how? I was going for my power walk, wearing my pedometer. By the way, you can start smelling them at point-eight. Okay, okay. We have really gotta stop this. What? As long as we're sticking to our diets, we can fantasize, right? The Snickers we shared in bed last night was not a fantasy. Was to me. Besides, it was just a fun size and we burned those calories off right away, if you know what I mean. Technically, I burned those calories off. Yeah, but I was rooting you on. And I appreciate that. But I'm gonna be good until Victoria's birthday party. Then I'm gonna have a piece of cake the size of my head. She didn't want a big deal about her birthday. It's her 30th, it's a milestone and we're all having cake. End of discussion. When I turned 30, me and a couple of buddies went to Vegas and we hooked up with these two-for-one coupons at an all-you-can-eat buffet had a nice dinner, went home early, didn't do anything. I'll never forget that night. Morning. - You're just getting home? - Yeah. After the club closed, there was an after-party in the parking lot then an after-after-party in the bouncer's pop-up camper. Well, bong hit, bath and bed. Party for your sister. Good idea. I can't believe you ladies have never seen The Godfather. I've tried to get Joyce to watch it. We always end up watching some chick flick. And I'm not talking the good girl-on-girl kind. Why don't you make her an offer that she can't refuse? I did. I said, "If I have to watch Pretty Woman one more time you're gonna sleep with the fishes. " I love Pretty Woman. It really makes being a hooker look like fun. Shh. I believe in America. America has made my fortune. I raised my daughter in the American fashion. Who's this guy? Are you gonna talk through the whole thing? Sorry. I wanted to know who that guy is. You're not supposed to know yet. Fine. I'll wait. I gave her freedom, but I taught her never to dishonor her family. Did you remember to order the cake for Victoria's birthday? I wanted to ask you, do you think we should do cake or just cupcakes? Oh, cupcakes are a smart idea. You don't waste as much, people can take them home if they want. This is the greatest movie ever and all you're talking about is cupcakes. You know, now that I hear it out loud, I think I'm back to cake. - Are you done? - Sorry. with another boyfriend. They made her drink whiskey. Hey, what are you guys doing? Oh, just hanging out. You wanna join us? No, I don't wanna intrude. - Don't be silly. The more the merrier. - Not so far. Thank you for asking. But you're doing a couples thing and I don't wanna be the sixth wheel. A lost and lonely 30-year-old sixth wheel. Oh, goodness. You wanna go or should I? Maybe you should both go. I just figured by the time I turned 30, I'd have a man in my life. Sweetie, you have nothing but men in your life. No, I mean the same man a bunch of nights in a row. Some folks call that a relationship. Yeah, one of those. So the bouncer in the pop-up camper, probably not a long-term th Oh. Oh, no. No, guys like that never are. Neither are guys who live in Winnebagos or hotdog trucks. Good to know. You show up for a second date and their whole house has disappeared. No note or nothing. Just an orange extension cord hanging from the outlet and a half-eaten bun on the curb. Victoria, you shouldn't pin your happiness on whether you have a man or not. Easy for you to say. You've got a boyfriend. You want him? He's yours. I gotta warn you, it's kind of a load. Yeah, but at least you have somebody to be disappointed in. Listen, you've got You gotta focus on what makes you happy. You know, I mean, your job brings you a lot of fulfillment, right? Well, putting makeup on dead people is okay. But as a rule, they don't give you a lot of pats on the back. Hey, I don't get a lot of attaboys as a teacher either. But I know if I'm reaching just one kid, then I'm truly making a difference. Just one kid. - That's so great. - It is. It's just all in how you choose to look at it. You're telling me I should have a baby. Uh Mom! Coming! Anyway, Victoria's always been my fragile one. It all started when she was 5 years old and I lost her at the zoo. Not entirely my fault. I mean, if they're gonna sell beer there, mistakes will be made. I think you should go talk to her. Ugh. What's going on? She wants to have a baby and she sent me down here to ask Mike for sperm. You lovingly declined. Oh, thank you, because I never know what to say in those situations. Let's go, Vince. If you're gonna be her stepdaddy you're gonna have to start chiming in with some fatherly advice. Jeez, I just wanted a nice, quiet evening watching a bunch of goombahs blast the crap out of each other. Why did you go to the police? Why didn't you come to me first? So who's this guy? Sweetheart, raising a child is a lot of responsibility. There's dressing them and feeding them And not losing them in Monkeyville. I was hammered. Give me a break. I just feel like I've got so much to give and nobody to give it to. You ever think about pole dancing? Vince, what's the matter with you? Hey, it's good money, great exercise and she's bringing happiness to a room full of sad and lonely degenerates. I think what Vince is trying to say is that maybe this is not a good time for you to have a baby. No, what Vince is trying to say is that you've got a rocking bod and you should take advantage of it before you hit 40 and your jugs become wind chimes. Mom, make him stop talking. Vince, get out of here and go watch your movie. Hey, she could push it to 45 if she sleeps in a support bra and stays off the trampoline. - Out! Here, take this up to my sister. It'll make her feel better. Oh, man. Why are you doing this to me? You'll be fine. You got a backup if I accidentally eat this on the stairs? Go. Just so you know, if she asks for my sperm, I'm trading her straight-up for this bad boy. Oh, hey, I was just bringing a little treat for Victoria. Oh, good. I need a drink. It's funny, I was schnockered when she was conceived and now it's the only way I can carry on a conversation with her. Hey, there. Molly made a little treat for you and I didn't eat any of it. - That's so sweet of her. - Yep. Can I have it? Oh, right, right. Ever since I was a little girl if I was feeling sad, she'd make me a hot fudge sundae with three Oreos hidden on the bottom. They're still there. You can count them. Want me to leave you alone with that? Turn off the light? That's how I usually do it. Mike, what gives your life meaning? Oh, boy. There was a time when I would've had a glossy photo of that sundae in my locker. I'm serious. Well, I know for me, my job gives me a lot of satisfaction. Every day, I look forward to putting on the uniform and strapping on the side-arm and serving the people that I'm sworn to protect. So helping people makes you happy? Yeah, and feeling like I'm a part of something important. You know, something bigger than me. Oh, my God. It's all so clear to me now. - Really? - Yes. - It's obvious what I have to do. - What's that? I'm gonna join the Army. Molly! One hot beef and cheese sandwich with curly fries and strawberry shake. And one can of tuna. - Thank you. - While you enjoy that I'll get your scratching post and squeaky mouse. I hope he gets fat someday. I'm proud of you. You've been showing a lot of self-control lately. Yesterday Molly had me take her sister a hot fudge sundae and I didn't eat one bite. I had time alone with it too. She never would've known. They never do. Nobody at the station figured out why the jelly doughnuts were sucked dry before the box was open. That's just pulling a fire alarm and when no one's looking, jamming the straw into the jelly reservoir. Well, it's brilliant. You're like Foudini. - Hey, guys. - Hey, sweetie. What are you doing here? Well, per your conversation with Victoria she decided to check out the Army Recruiting Office and see if she could be all she could be. - Turns out I can't. I had no idea the Army was so strict. The whole thing is just rules, rules, rules. It's no wonder they're always fighting with someone somewhere. I will say, you do make that uniform look very good. Thank you. Seriously, I've been standing at attention since you walked through the door. At ease, Carl. I just don't know if the United States Army is ready for Private Victoria Flynn and her two-gun salute. You see, I'm just not a morning person and they're all about that. I don't even know if my alarm clock has 0500 on it. Yeah, and apparently they still have that "don't ask, don't show up high" policy, so I'm disappointed the Army wouldn't take me. I look really hot in camouflage. Yes, you do. But black's really my color. Me, too. You know, nuns wear black and they take anybody. Come on, Victoria. You're being silly. Hang on. May I point out that you don't have to become a nun to have a relationship with God. - Carl. - Uh Hey, I've found a lot of comfort in my faith without the unrealistic expectation of celibacy. Carl. I could not walk this rocky path of life without the tender guidance of my sweet and powerful savior. Carl. - Can I walk on that path with you? - Carl. Take my hand and we will walk it together. - Oh, God. - Oh, dear God. Amen. Do you know how many games I'm missing right now? Suck it up. We're being supportive. Do they serve wine before or just during? It's a Baptist church. They don't serve wine. - So BYOB? - There's no wine. Well, then I have to ask myself, "What would Jesus do?" I think dude would go burn one in the parking lot. No. You already burned one in the car. So glad you could make it, sister. - Brother Michael, Sister Molly. - Dumb-ass Carl. After the service, join us in the rectory for cake, pie and good Christian fellowship. - But no wine, right? - Not on the premises. We could hit a liquor store and drive to the beach. If the spirit moves you, I can baptize you in the healing waters of Lake Michigan. - Did you happen to bring a white T-shirt? - I'm afraid not. That's cool. I got a few in the trunk of my car. Carlton, get your robe on and take over the keyboard for Sister Shirese. She's sweating something fierce and the whole sanctuary smells like Rémy Martin. All right, Grandma. If you sit up close, you can watch me work my magic on the organ. Get your perverted self in that sanctuary. What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman? As we read in First Corinthians chapter 13, verse 11: - "When I was a child, I spoke like a child. " CROWD: Yes. "I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. " Yes. "But when I became an adult, I put an end to my childish ways. " Yes. How much longer is this thing gonna go on? - Shh. - I'm hungry. You sure you don't have a cough drop or a piece of gum? We ate before we left the house. Yeah, skim milk and puffed rice. That's just food-shaped air. Could you guys be quiet? God's talking. Sweetie, you realize that man is not actually God. I know. It's one of his helpers, like Santa Claus. "I was hungry and you gave me food. I was thirsty and you gave me drink. " I'm in hell. You don't have anything to eat? I have two butter rum Life Savers. You can have one of them. I knew you were holding out on me. Lying in the house of God. Real nice. And when you rest in the bosom of the Lord, brothers and sisters you shall be saved. Amen. When you walk with God, ha-ha-ha, you will never walk alone for he is right there beside you, keeping you on the path to righteousness. Oh, testify. You don't have to have all the answers in life. You see, because only the savior knows what this great journey has in store for all of us. Trust in him, open your heart and you shall be empty no more. And now let us welcome back Sister Rosetta to lead us in our closing hymn. Stop. Now, let's go. That's enough. Lord way down here In this sinful world - No one can help us But you Lord above Help me, Lord Jesus Give me more grace I need your power To help me run this race Help me, Jesus Help me, Jesus Help me, Jesus Help me, Lord Beggin' you, Jesus To help me run this race I don't need to give myself to a man or have a baby or join the Army. - No, you don't. - No, I need to give myself to God. - Well - Here I come, God. - Well, well, well, well - Lord, way down here In this sinful world No one can help us But you, Lord above Help me, Lord Jesus Give me your grace Good luck, Lord. This one's a handful. To help me win this race Help me, Jesus Help me, Jesus Help me, Jesus Help me, Lord Beggin' you, Jesus Help me run this race Do we really have to wait for Victoria? Mike, it's her birthday. I'm just saying, I know how we can suck the middle out this whole thing and she'd never know. Eat your rice cake. Blech. How long do you think this religion thing is gonna stick? I don't know. Over the years, she's been a Buddhist, an Orthodox Jew, a Rastafarian. And during a two-hour layover at the Denver Airport, a Hare Krishna. Well, you're a good sister for being so supportive. I have been. And it has been a long week. Seriously, you can get the middle out of this thing without her knowing? Thought you'd never ask. Oh Ha. Here, breathe through your nose. Oh, happy day Oh, happy day - Oh, happy day - Oh, happy day - When Jesus washed - When Jesus washed - Oh, when He washed - When Jesus washed - When my Jesus washed - When Jesus washed - my sins away - Oh, happy day He taught me - He taught me how - How To watch Fight and pray - Fight and pray - Fight and pray - Well, and he taught me how to live - And he'll rejoice - Oh, Jesus - And we will sing Every Every day Every day My. - Oh, happy day - Oh, happy day - Oh, happy day - Oh, happy day When Jesus washed When Jesus washed Oh, when he washed When Jesus washed When my Jesus washed When Jesus washed my sins away Oh, happy day He taught me He taught me - How How