The Red Squirrel

Scene I: Escape Tunnel

Inside the penguins HQ, a hole was in one of the walls

Skipper: (echo) Kowalski, progress report.

''Rico was digging dirt out of the way with a spoon and had a glowing stick stuck on his head with gum. Skipper, Kowalski, and Private were looking at a map on the floor. Glowing sticks were stuck on the ceiling so they can see.''

Kowalski: Nearing completion on escape tunnel number 15, Skipper. Private: Isn't this a bit overly cautious? Skipper: Even better, full-blown paranoia. Private: No. I mean we already have fourteen escape tunnels. Isn't that enough? Skipper: Manfredi and Johnson thought so. What was left of them came home in a manila envelope. Kowalski: From Manila, ironically. Skipper: There's no such thing as too paranoid, Private. Remember that, then forget you ever heard it.

Skipper starts waving his flippers around Private, hoping that Private would be hypnotized.

Private: Um, I don't think that works the way you think it...

Skipper interrupts him, still trying to hypnotize Private.

Skipper: Eyes on the flipper.

''Suddenly, they hear a big bang from where Rico is. Rico screams when his spoon gets stuck and the spoon starts flinging Rico up and down. Finally he lets go of the spoon and falls to the ground and the glowing stick and gum are off his head.''

Kowalski: Man down! Private: Rico!

''They run over to Rico to see if he's OK. Rico shakes his head from the dizziness. Kowalski makes Rico sit up a little bit to see how he is.''

Kowalski: His brain appears to be functioning at... Um... Let's call it "normal capacity". Skipper: What happened? I thought we mapped this tunnel?

''Kowalski lets go of Rico's head and Rico falls over again. Kowalski walks over to the spoon and takes it out of the wall.''

Kowalski: I'm not sure. This wall shouldn't be...

''Kowalski gasps and let's go of the spoon. A hatch with animal pictures and an arrow twister is seen.''

Kowalski: A vintage pass-code lock.

Skipper walks over to Kowalski with a glowing stick.

Skipper: Excellent work, Kowalski. But can you open it?

Kowalski looks at the lock.

Kowalski: Well, it is state-of-the-art, hyper-encryption technology...

He turns towards the others.

Kowalski: Pfft! ...from 1963!

''Kowalski starts to unlock it. He turns the arrow to an animal and an animal noise comes from the picture. Kowalski first turns the arrow to a duck which quacks. After that he turns the arrow to a cow which moos. After that he turns the arrow to the horse which whinnies. Then he pulls the string in the center and then the hatch unlocks.''

Kowalski: Nailed it. Skipper: Move in cautiously, men. Rico, ominous background music.

They walk into the room in defensive poses while Rico does ominous background noises.

Scene II: Underground Base
''They enter a dirty room, looking around while and find a radio playing ominous background music to the same tune that Rico was doing. They see someone far across the romm who suddenly turned off the radio and looked at them. It was a rock hopper penguin. The penguin ran over to them and grabbed Rico.''

Private: Rico! Buck: Alright, Crackerjack, what's the code word?

Rico babbles and things again and then babbles once more.

Buck: Lucky guess, Moonbeam.

''He lets go of Rico and Rico starts shivering. Skipper walks and looks at the penguin.''

Skipper: That voice, that steely gaze...

''The penguin does the exact same thing Skipper's doing. The penguin walks up to Skipper.''

Buck: You sugar puffs just gonna stand there? Spill your tater tots. Where's the Red Squirrel? Skipper: The Red Squirrel? Then you really are Special Agent Buck Rockgut! Kowalski: The Buck Rockgut? Private: Um, is that... Is that someone famous, then? Skipper: Sweet, ignorant Private. Buck Rockgut is our greatest American-Penguin hero. I patterned my whole life after Rockgut. Kowalski: The bird who brought down Penguin Enemy Number One, the Red Squirrel. And, may I say, it is an honor, sir.

''Kowalski salutes him. Buck Rockgut slaps Kowalski.''

Buck: 86 the kiss up, Fauntleroy. Let's get to brass tacks.

Buck walks away and leans on a crate where a spotlight shines on him.

Buck: I caught the Squirrel all right but Big Red broke out.

''Buck grabs a folder containing info of the Red Squirrel. He throws the folder onto a table where a drawing of the Red Squirrel is shown in jail clothes and trapped behind bars along with some other pictures.''

Buck: Disappeared into the underground, so that's what I did, too. 47 years I've been down in this bunker waiting for the Red Squirrel to show his fluffy tail again! 47 years! Private: 47 years? Buck: 47 years! Private: Don't you think the Red Squirrel would've shown up by now? Skipper: Private! Buck: College Boy, huh? You see that bunker door? It only opens when the Red Squirrel returns. Is it open now, Dough-boy? Private: Yes. Buck: Then Red is back. And you four lollipops are gonna help me find him. Kowalski: (excited) I get to work with Buck Rockgut! Skipper: (excited) I know, right?

Rico giggles in excitement.

Scene III: The Zoo Cafeteria
King Julien, Maurice, and Mort were on one of the cafeteria tables.

Julien: OK, so the guy on the street, he puts a little ball under one hat, like this.

''Julien holds a golf ball and there are two safari hats in front of him. Maurice and Mort were watching him. He grabbed his crown and put the golf ball on the table and then put his crown over it.''

Julien: Then he mix it, mix it so fast it's like you can't even see it.

He mixes the hats and crown around very fast and then he finally stops.

Julien: Then, stop. And now you can't tell which is the ball hat, can you?

Julien laughs.

Mort: Ohhhhhhh.

''Suddenly, Skipper grabs Mort's feet and drags him off the table and then throws him to Rico. Rico throws him high in the air. Mort screams and then crashes into the Zoovenier Shop. Then the penguins slide into the Zoovenier Shop and close the door. Unaware that Mort's missing, Julien continues on.''

Julien: And now, you give to me all of your money. Ha! I love this game.

Maurice picks up Julien's crown.

Maurice: You sure you playing this right?

Scene IV: Zooveneir Shop
''Mort was hung on a rope and was being dumped into a barrel of toys in a manner similar to the Chinese Water Torture. Every time he came up he took a deep breath.''

Buck: Where's the Red Squirrel?

Mort spits from being under so much.

Buck: Bring him up.

Kowalski and Rico were holding a fishing pole and brought Mort up to Buck Rockgut.

Buck: All right, Pigeon, sing for me. Mort: Uh, (singing) I don't know where the Red Squirrel is.

He thinks of what to say next.

Mort: But this one time I found a piece of red licorice. (Buck glances a look) Private: I don't understand Skipper. Why would Mort know anything about the Red Squirrel? Skipper: You gotta think like Buck Rockgut, Private. Put your paranoia cap on. Private: I don't think I have a paranoia cap Skipper. Skipper: Well, there's your problem.

Buck continues his interrogation.

Buck: You don't know anything about the Red Squirrel, huh? That bushy tail of yours tells me different.

He moves Mort's tail with his flipper.

Buck: Know who else has a bushy tail? The Red Squirrel!

The penguins gasped in shock.

Mort: Ah, it's true! I do have a tail!

Mort holds his tail.

Skipper: Sad Eyes a squirrel spy? (sigh) It's always the ones you least expect. Private: But, but...

''Then the door opened which interrupted Private. It was Julien and Maurice looking for Mort.''

Julien: Ahhhh. There you are, Mort, you silly. Come, I must show you my newest street game. Eh... Who's the freak?

Then Maurice and Julien were being dumped up and down inside the barrel of toys.

Julien: I confess to everything! I took the last Nut and Nougat bar. I cheat at whistling.

''He hugs Maurice's bottom. He spits and then they were dumped in once again. Maurice comes up and struggles for air but Julien pushed im down so that he could get out of the toys for air.''

Julien: My father was not a talking water cycle! Skipper: This hardball stuff really works. Buck: These snitches don't know anything. They're just small potatoes. Julien: He's right! I am secretly a potato. No, OK... No, that one was a lie. I just wanted to get the ropes off.

Scene V: Underground Base
''The lemurs get thrown into a cell. Julien gets up, standing on Maurice and Mort.''

Julien: (angry) These walls are nothing.

He walks of Maurice and Mort.

Julien: There's not been the prison built that can hold King Julien.

''Buck closes the cell and locks it. Julien runs over to Buck.''

Julien: Wait, wait, wait! You're locking that?

Julien laughs sadly.

Julien: Never mind. Private: Am I the only one that thinks this is wrong? Skipper: It's very wrong, Private. Who knew the Red Squirrel had so many agents inside our own zoo? Kowalski: I don't know what to believe anymore.

''Kowalski starts crying. Then Buck slaps him.''

Buck: Dry those waterworks, Egghead. This round-up's just getting started! You diaper dons ready to get your flippers dirty? Kowalski: Oh, absolutamente!

''Skipper and Rico cheer in yes. Private doesn't say anything that he wants to get his flippers dirty.''

Private: (whispers) Not really.

Scene VI: Zoo
''The penguins had a bag of peanuts on the ground where Burt was approaching, humming. The penguins hid behind a brick wall. Burt sees the peanuts.''

Burt: Oh! All right! Free peanuts.

Buck grabs his trunk and drags Burt to the ground.

Buck: You like peanuts, huh? Know who else likes nuts? The Red Squirrel!

''He yells into Burt's trunk. The penguins gasp in disbelief except Private.''

Private: Oh, dear.

Scene VII: Underground Base
Skipper, Kowalski, and Rico push Burt (who had his legs tied up with rope) into the cage.

Burt: Hey.

Then they closed the gate.

Burt: Oof!

Scene VIII: Zoo
Marlene was walking in her habitat and walked up to a picture of the Red Squirrel on the ground.

Marlene: Huh? What in the world...? Ah!

''She gets tackled by Skipper and Rico. She was then rolled up inside the squirrel picture and rolled to Buck.''

Buck: You like pictures of red squirrels, huh? You know who else likes red squirrels? The Red Squirrel!

The other penguins screamed in shock except for Private who was looking very concerned.

Scene IX: Underground Base
Marlene gets thrown into the cage.

Scene X: Zoo
''Phil and Mason were in their habitat. Phil was reading a book and Mason was flicking a flea off of him. From above, a tire fell on both of them.''

Mason: I say.

Buck comes up to them with Phil's book.

Buck: Read any good books lately, punks? Read...

He points at the book.

Buck: Red?

He inches closer to them with the book making Mason and Phil lean away from him.

Buck: The Red Squirrel!

''He stuffs the book in their faces. The penguins gasp very loudly in disbelief except Private.''

Private: That one doesn't even make sense!

Scene XI: Underground Base
Buck throws Mason and Phil into the cage.

Private: But these are our friends. They can't be Red Squirrel agents. Skipper: Can't they. I think we can trust the instincts of history's greatest penguin agent. Buck: (crazed) Squirrel. Squirrel. Squirrel.

Scene XII: Underground Base (Later: Cage)
All the animals were in the cage arguing.

Julien: I'm sick of this guy. He's not the boss of me. Maurice: They can't do this! Mason: It's outrageous. Marlene: OK, this red squirrel stuff has gone way too far. But, maybe, we can stop it. Mason: I don't much like our chances. Those penguins are a wily bunch. Marlene: True, true. But I just happen to have a secret inside source. Now, for his own protection, my source can not reveal his identity.

''A light pops up behind a curtain showing the silhouette of the person behind it. Everybody stared at it, thinking about who it could be.''

Mort: Hello there, Private!

Mort waves to him.

Private: Oh! Um...

Private steps out from behind the curtain since now everybody knows who it is.

Private: The way I see it, everything goes back to normal if we just get rid of Buck Rockgut. Maurice: And how we gonna do that? That guy's not going anywhere until he catches some kind of red squirrel! Private: Precisely, Maurice!

Private brings out Fred.

Fred: So you want me to pretend to be a squirrel? Private: You are a squirrel. Fred: Yeah, but I've never been a pretend one before. Private: It'll be fine.

Private gets an eye patch and puts it over Fred's ear and closes the eye patch on Fred's eye.

Fred: Ow!

Scene XIII: Penguin HQ (inside)
''Buck Rockgut was pointing at a map with a baseball bat trying to pin point where the Red Squirrel is. The other penguins were watching. The hatch opened and Private popped upside down from the hatch.''

Private: Ooh! Everybody, come quickly! It's the Red Squirrel!

He pops his head back up and then the penguins followed Private up the hatch.

Scene XIV: Penguin Habitat (Topside)
''They get out in defense poses. Buck Rockgut was holding his baseball bat. They see Fred who they think is the Red Squirrel. Fred was standing awkwardly.''

Skipper: Sweet enemy of the state! It's really him. Buck: Hope you kept your dance card open, Bushy Tail. 'Cause I'm gonna play a little chin music and waltz you all the way back to the louse house. Fred: Um, I'm gonna run away now. Skipper: After him, boys!

They start sliding after Fred.

Scene XV: Zoo Grounds
Skipper: Take him out!

Fred climbs over a brick wall.

Scene XVI: Park Grounds
''The penguins follow by bouncing off the wall and the pole. Fred was panting from running so much. The penguins were close behind. Fred makes it out of the zoo and runs towards the trees.''

Fred: OK, only a hundred yards to the nearest tree...

He runs straight into a tree.

Fred: Stupid eye patch!

''Then Fred falls over dazed. The penguins got closer.''

Buck: Crazy Face, hit me with a gift box.

''Rico regurgitates a box and Buck Rockgut grabs it as they slide. Buck Rockgut jumps into the air and lands the box right on Fred as Fred was about to run again. The penguins cheer with happiness except Private. The penguins slap each others flippers. Rico turns to slap Private's flipper. Private hesitates at first but reacts quickly.''

Private: Up high! Good job, all of us!

Scene XVII: Conspiracy
The penguins throw the box on a truck.

Buck: I'm sure they kept your cell warm, Red.

''Buck Rockgut chuckles. Skipper, Kowalski, and Rico laugh awkwardly. Buck Rockgut walks away with the penguins behind him.''

Kowalski: Touché. Skipper: So, what's out next mission... Buck? ''(giggles) ''Buck: That's it for me, boys. I'm outta the game.

Kowalski and Rico pop up in shock.

Skipper and Kowalski: Why? Rico: No sir! Kowalski: No, say it ain't so. Buck: I was put on this earth for one reason, and for one reason only.

He turns towards the penguins.

Buck: And now it's sitting in the back of the... Wait a minute. Where's Dough boy? Skipper: Private? He's right...

They turn around but they don't see Private.

Skipper: Hmm.

''Private is hiding behind the box and opens it to let Fred out. Fred jumps out.''

Private: Thanks a million, Fred. Fred: No problem.

He brushes himself off and takes off the eye patch.

Fred: I always wanted to ride in a box. You know, they have cardboard on the inside, too.

Buck shows up on the top of the box.

Buck: Conspiracy!

''Fred and Private scream and then Fred runs off. The others penguins show up.''

Kowalski: That squirrel was Fred? Why would you make a phony Red Squirrel? Private: Why? Because Special Agent Buck Rockgut his completely mental!

The penguins gasp in shock.

Kowalski: The lies are burning my air holes! Private: He's thrown all out friend into a detention cell. And for what? Because he thinks some enemy from 47 years ago is still out there plotting against him?

Rockgut jumps off the box.

Buck: (really paranoid) Oh, I get it now. The Red Squirrel hates penguins! And you know who else hates penguins? Kowalski: The Red...? Buck: The Red Squirrel!

The penguins gasp in shock.

Private: What?! He's, he's... OK, he's talking nonsense!

Skipper comes up to Private.

Skipper: I don't know, Private. You did get caught red-squirrel-handed.

Buck pushes Skipper aside.

Buck: A clever game, I give him that.

He grabs Private's beak and looks at his eye.

Buck: Planting a decoy to cover up your penguin plastic surgery.

He stretches Private's face and then let's go of him.

Buck: Nice move... Red Squirrel!

''Kowalski and Rico hug in shock. Skipper gasps and then thinks.''

Skipper: Wait... you think Private is the Red Squirrel? Kowalski: Uh, that's not really... uh... possible. Buck: (puts his finger on Kowalski) That sounds like squirrel talk. Maybe I got the right idea, wrong penguin suit, huh? Skipper: Who, Kowalski? He's been helping us catch the Red Squirrel. Buck: Inside man. You're smarter then I thought, Red. But I know how to make you smart guys talk. You ever had a six pound halibut shoved up your left nostril? Kowalski: Not the left one, no!

Skipper and Rico look at Private.

Private: I did try to tell you. Skipper: (whispers) Rico, ring-a-ding special. ASAP.

''Rico regurgitates a payphone. The payphone rings and Skipper quickly answers it.''

Skipper: (pretending) Yes? You don't say! Well, thanks, chief!

Skipper hang the phone up.

Skipper: That was HQ. They said you've been tracking another decoy this whole time. The real Red Squirrel is hiding out in... Grr-furr-jiggle-stan. Buck: You tuna-fed thumb suckers better sit this one out. Grr-furr-jiggle-stan is no place for amateurs. I'm coming for you, Squirrel!

''Buck runs off with Skipper and the others watching him depart. Buck hides behind a bush.''

Buck: (distance) Clear!

''He slides and hides behind another bush looking on all sides. He mutters as he runs off. He then slides to a tree, looking around both sides of the tree while still muttering.''

Buck: I'll get you, Red!

Then jumps over a wall.

Skipper: Well, maybe we left our paranoia caps on a little too long. Private: Oh. I do feel bad for the old guy. He's wasted decades chasing an enemy that probably doesn't even exist. ''The penguins slide away, back to the zoo. A telescope suddenly appears from one of the bushes looking around.''

Scene XVIII: Underground Base
''The Red Squirrel is sitting on a chair. The Red Squirrel close's the telescope and then makes a voice log when clicking a button on a tape recorder.''

Red: Red Squirrel's log. Special Agent Rockgut has been disposed of.

He turns his chair around.

Red: Time to get to work!

''He starts laughing and then starts running toward a hatch. He runs straight into it and then falls to the ground.''

Red: Stupid eye patch.