The Psychic Vortex


 * Leonard: I hope you’re hungry, Bernadette, we’re going to a terrific restaurant.
 * Bernadette: Oh, yeah, I’m starved. When you spend all day in a bio-lab, watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize small rodents it really works up an appetite.
 * Howard: Flesh-eating bacteria. And yet, I still want to kiss this woman, what does that tell you?
 * Penny: That you’d be willing to die a horrible death on the off-chance you’d get to second base?
 * Bernadette: Oh, we’re way past second base. Right, Howard?
 * Howard: Well, we kind of disagree about what the bases are.
 * Bernadette: How’s your work going, Penny? Any acting jobs?
 * Penny: Well, the last big thing I did was this production of Diary of Anne Frank above a bowling alley. But I think things might be turning around pretty soon.
 * Leonard: Great. How come?
 * Penny: Well, promise you won’t make fun of me.
 * Leonard: Of course, I would never make fun of you.
 * Penny: Okay. Well, I went to this psychic who told me that if I cut my hair, I’m going to get a national commercial.
 * Leonard (laughing): Seriously? You’re getting career advice from a psychic?
 * Howard: Good job not making fun of her.
 * Penny: She’s not one of those phonies, okay. She wrote a book and has her own Web site.
 * Leonard: Oh, gee, why didn’t you say so? They don’t let just anyone have a Web site.
 * Penny: Why are you being such a jerk?
 * Leonard: You’re surprised? Your psychic didn’t tell you I was going to be a jerk?
 * Penny: Ha-ha, bite me.
 * Leonard: Come on, Penny.
 * Howard: Why don’t you kids go ahead and chat? We’re gonna make out back here.
 * Bernadette: I’m sliding into third.


 * Raj: Thanks for coming with me.
 * Sheldon: Thanks for giving me your limited edition Green Lantern lantern.
 * Raj: Did you really have to bring it in with you?
 * Sheldon: What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low?
 * Raj: Come on, let’s get a drink.
 * Sheldon: I don’t drink.
 * Raj: Yeah, well I do. And when my wingman is carrying a Green Lantern lantern, I drink a lot. I’ll have a screwdriver, please. Don’t be chintzy with the screw.
 * Sheldon: I would like a root beer float.
 * Raj: Sheldon, they don’t have ice cream.
 * Sheldon: They don’t? Well, apparently, these people and I differ greatly on the definition of party.
 * Raj: He’ll have a Shirley Temple.
 * Sheldon: And don’t be chintzy with the Shirley.
 * Raj: Okay, let’s check out the females.
 * Sheldon: All right. There’s a female.
 * Raj: That’s Professor Wilkinson’s wife, she’s like 80 years old.
 * Sheldon: But she’s female. Isn’t that the game?
 * Raj: No. I’m looking for a hookup.
 * Sheldon: Oh, yes. So, the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with?
 * Raj: Not so loud, but ideally, yes. Thanks.
 * Sheldon: Thank you. And what is my function as wing man?
 * Raj: You help me run my game.
 * Sheldon: Alright, and what is your game?
 * Raj: When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.
 * [Abby walks by and notices Sheldon's lantern]
 * Abby: Hey that's pretty cool, what is it?
 * Sheldon: It's a limited edition "Green Lantern" lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.
 * Abby: [laughs] You're very funny, I'm Abby.
 * Sheldon: I'm Sheldon.
 * Raj: How do you do? Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali. Call me Raj.
 * Abby: Hey Raj, where are you from?
 * Raj: The mysterious, sub-continent of India.
 * Abby: Ooh, India.
 * Raj: You know India?
 * Abby: I saw Slum Dog Millionaire.
 * Raj: Well I'm a slum dog astrophysicist.
 * Sheldon: I thought your father was a gynecologist? [Raj looks at him] Sorry. [Smiles and nods]
 * Abby: Hey Martha, come over here. Meet Sheldon and Raj.
 * Martha: Is that the limited edition "Green Lantern" lantern?
 * Sheldon: In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight. [Holds up his ring to the lantern and it lights up.]
 * Martha: Oh, that is so awesome.
 * Sheldon: Thank you. [To Raj] Have you chosen one to copulate with?


 * Bernadette: So, what should we talk about?
 * Howard: Well, we could always learn more about why people who believe in psychics are idiots. Leonard?
 * Penny: Oh, we don’t need to talk about that anymore. Leonard covered it pretty well in the car.
 * Leonard: I’m sorry, but facts are facts.
 * Penny: Right, and if you can’t understand it, it’s not a fact.
 * Leonard: No, if it’s not a fact, it’s not a fact.
 * Penny: Oh, got it. Thank you for educating me.
 * Leonard: You’re welcome. How’s your fish?
 * Penny: Amazing. Would you like to try some?
 * Leonard: Yeah, sure.
 * Penny: Well, the fact is, you can’t.
 * Leonard: Come on, Howard, Bernadette, you’re both scientists. Help me out here.
 * Howard: What do you think? Want to jump right into the middle of another couple’s argument?
 * Bernadette: No, thank you.
 * Howard: Sorry.
 * Leonard: Maybe we should just stop talking about this.
 * Penny: Maybe some of us should stop talking altogether.
 * Waiter: How is everything tonight?
 * Bernadette: Really uncomfortable.


 * (the hallway scene where the really cross Penny just going off to her apartment whilst ignoring the obsessive Leonard. They both have finished clmbing the stairs)
 * Leonard: (he's shouting behind her) You know, the best thing about being in a committed, monogamous, mutually supportive relationship is that even if you have different ideas, (Penny unlocks the door in a huff and storms straight into her apartment) you can have a spirited debate, yet still care for, even make love with… (Penny angrily shuts the door in his face) Want your fish? (Penny opens door in a rage as she angrily takes the fish and she closes it again) I knew you were going to do that. Doesn't make me psychic! Attaboy, Leonard, make it worse.


 * Penny: Wow, that’s all you got after you were the most obnoxious person on a double date that included Howard Wolowitz?
 * Leonard: No, I’m sorry. I really am. It’s not right to mock what a person believes in.
 * Penny: Thank you. Would you be willing to go to my psychic and see what it’s all about?
 * Leonard: Would you be willing to read a book that concisely explains how all psychics are frauds?
 * Penny: I would not.
 * Leonard: Okay, let’s go see your psychic.
 * Penny: Really?
 * Leonard: Well, yeah, one of us has to keep an open mind.
 * Penny: You saying I don’t have an open mind?
 * Leonard: No, not at all. Let me help you with this stuff.
 * Penny: You know, I believe in ghosts, too.
 * Leonard: Great.
 * Penny: And astrology.
 * Leonard: I know, and pyramid power and healing crystals.
 * Penny: Oh, no, no, no, crystals don’t work.
 * Leonard: Really, that’s the line? Psychics are real, but crystals are voodoo?
 * Penny: Oh, voodoo’s real. You don’t want to mess with voodoo.