The Long Bomb

1 Announcer: It's game day! And the Rockville Gorilla Stars are coming to the Sharks' Nest! A capacity crowd is expected for the first Bazooka Sharks game since quarterback Johnny Concussion's death. Johnny's ashes and carbonized bone chunks will be on display in a football-shaped urn, which should be a real treat for the kiddies! Hey, bud. Got a little kink in your line. It's okay. No one's perfect. Except everyone who works for me! You're fired! I want you to crank the pressure on these tanks. People want to see their juice drink really hit the walls and cascade around. These foam fingers are heavier than they usually are. And you're not the usual delivery guy. There's usually one of you, not eight. And you all have ponytails. I hate ponytails. I am not signing It's gonna be a hell of a game. [Horns honking] Rockin' Ronnie: It's gonna be a hell of a game! People are saying it's gonna be a hell of a game. I heard that. When I, uh, got these tickets from work, I was surprised you were down to take the other one. When I said yes, I thought you had four, so Mom and Steve could kind of keep the conversation going. You know what? This will be great. Just us. And now, Rockin' Ronnie's gonna rest his voice till the game starts. [Sighs] [Dramatic music plays] [Crowd cheering] Look at all the people. Good crowd. Popular place. Well, I'm gonna pop out and get us some Zooka Dogs. Hey, you could stay here. Hot hot dogs right at your seat! No need to walk around. But this guy doesn't have any beers. I got two extra beers. You'd be doing me a favor if you took them. It's very rude to eavesdrop. Before the game, a reminder that all noise makers, vuvuzelas, and air horns are strictly encouraged! [Horns blaring] Never let the decibels drop! Except at halftime, when, in memory of Johnny Concussion, there will be a respectful moment of silence. A moment of bone-crushing silence, presented by Baby Bel Cheese! So, when's the game start? Kickoff's in 15 minutes which sounds like a lot, but if we just break it down into 900 easy-to-digest one-second chunks You know what? I need something I can only get in the concourse a key chain! Here you go, mister. Take mine. Leave me alone! Smartest move I ever made, buying the Bazooka Sharks. All these fools are literally paying to sit in this building. They're idiots! We are supposed to eat these, right? I believe so, yes. Excuse me. Cutting in front. It's okay, I'm a hired escort. Hmm. Don't be so shocked. All the girls are escorts. What, you think hot girls like us would hang out with toads like you? Ha! Dream on! What's your name, darling? Tawny Luxardo one of the escorts you hired to have sex for money. Listen, I got V. I. P. s here. Stop telling everyone you're an escort. Gotcha. Low-key, I'm all over it. I'll circulate, but give me the signal Two taps on the nose and I'll come running to suck you off. Did you just do it? I blinked. [Groans] [Knock on door] It's the luxury box dessert cart! - All right! - Well done! I want the biggest chocolate cake! Gotta watch my figure, though. I'm a hooker. Say, aren't you fellas a little early? [All gasp] Oh, I'd say we're right on time. Huddle up, team. I'm the quarterback and here's the play. We get the combination to the safe, and then we disappear. No one gets hurt and everybody wins. It will be a real touchdown. I'm Cyrus Mooney, boy. I don't negotiate with [Silenced gunshot] - [Gasps] - Oh, my God! - I was just talking to him! - Cyrus fumbled. Now, while we crack the safe, my men are putting bombs around the arena. So if anyone tries to call an audible and contact someone outside this room, kablooey. - My God! - We're gonna die! Oh, of course right after I do a huge Costco run. Bury me with all my almonds. Okay, okay, but how many napkins do you go through in a day? Look, buddy, it seems like you're avoiding something or someone by asking me ridiculous questions. It's not ridiculous to ask how many pepperoni slices go on a personal pan pizza. And I told you, it's four. And I told you I saw five once. Avoiding someone. The nerve! [Gasps] It's Dwight the Great White! Dwight, do the Shark Shuffle! The Shark Shuffle, Great Dwight. [Door closes] How hard is it to do this? Is that a bomb, Great Dwight? [Grunts] [Gasps] You're not the Asian woman who plays Great Dwight! What have you done with Lee Tran? [Grunting] And the rocket's red glare The bombs bursting up the air Where's Dad? He loves Sky Crooner for some reason. [Grunting] [Steam hisses] - [Screams] - Yes! Enjoy the facial. Wow. That is really hot steam. Terrorist: Hans, what's taking so long? Hans?! I was bragging to everyone about how fast you were. Nobody's faster than Hans, I said. Dad? Lee Tran's dead?! And you guys must be, fingers crossed, her husbands, looking to avenge her death with their new friend Hayley? Terrorist: Hans, why aren't you responding, Hans? Hans, are you mad at me? Yeah, he's real steamed. What?! Who is this?! Your worst nightmare, bad guy. Foiling your plans will be the perfect distraction from having awkward conversation with my daughter. - God, why is it so - Hello! You have to hold the button down. You can't just push it once. Get your hands off me! - They have Hayley! - Put her with the others! Roger: Hayley, welcome to the luxury box, girl! Grab a glass of sparkling wine and come hang with me by the owner's brains. The terrorists have Hayley in the owner's box. How did Francine not see this coming? "Stan, you should take Hayley to the game. It'll be nice, eat some nachos, have some laughs. " "Francine, it'll be awkward. " "Stan, what could go wrong at a Bazooka Sharks game?" "Hey, Mom, where's the applesauce?" "In the fridge, Steve. " [Echoing] "I only see watery-ass Kroger. Where's the Mott's?" "They taste the same. " "Have you lost your mind?!" So we've got ourselves a hero. The bomb in the rafters is armed. Excellent. - Hey, baddie, guess what? - What? Chicken butt. I'm in your head now, son. Team, switch walkies to back-up channel. Hey, gang, it's me one of the gang. Looks like I forgot the back-up channel again! Dad's gonna come here, but I have to warn him about the other bombs first. How? [Knock on door] Man: Dessert cart. - Ooh, dessert! - Real dessert cart! Mmm, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet! Nobody get cute and try anything, because we're definitely letting the dessert cart in. [All munching] I need you to get this message to Stan Smith. He's in the arena, but I don't know where. All the food venders here are very connected. We'll find him. We're kind of like a family. I can't be seen talking We get drinks after work all the time. Please go. Almost all of us drive pickup trucks. I've never even thought about hiring a mover. I got Cracker Jacks! I got peanuts. I got a secret message for Stan Smith! I got a secret message for Stan Smith! I got big, spicy pickles in bags! I'm Stan Smith, the man in the vents. Your daughter says she's fine and go to the rafters to defuse a bomb. So Hayley's communicating with me. Why is that so hard for us to do in person? [Sighs] You got a daughter, buddy? - I used to. - Whatever. I gotta get to the rafters. So, real quick, give me a Zooka Dog, Chicago style. Pile the onions up high like I like. And more mustard. More mu there you go. Another fistful of onions. Perfect, perfect. Now push it through the vent. And that's how you sing the end of the first quarter song Yeah, yeah! Sky Crooner! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't be scared, don't be scared. My name is Stan, and I need your help. No one knows the rafters better than you. Have you noticed anything suspicious? That blinky thing is new. [Beeping] I'm gonna defuse that bomb, and I need you to shoot anyone who tries to stop me. Is there a bad man? You got that right, Sky Crooner. Sky Crooner: Stan, I can't kill! Life is sacred! And it begins at conception! You know, someone went to a lot of trouble to put that bomb there. I do want us to have a fist fight on this girder. It will look hella cool. - Just promise me one thing. - Anything. Don't look down. - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Ha ha! Works every Whoa, whoa! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! [Screams] [Screams] [Whistle blows] Too many men on the field. 10 yards. Not getting up? Delay of game. Another 5 yards. Still not getting up. Unsportsmanlike conduct. Another 15 yards. Had enough? I can go all day. Terrorist: Strannix? Strannix? You there? Damn it! He got him! How does he keep finding us? Maybe he's spotting our ponytails. Team, switch to braids. Still, the clock is ticking, and he'll never track down all the bombs before we crack the safe. [Laughs] Ouch, too tight! [Laughs] I need to figure out a way to get the bomb locations to Dad. And I need to prank the stadium announcer with these raisins I picked out of a scone. So we both have something, Hayley. Equal. Present today's ticket to save 5% at Sculpa Family Car Wash. Sculpa Family Car Wash. They found out which towel guy was the thief! Big flies today at the Sharks' Nest. They're not biting, but they are landing heavily. [Laughs] Roger, you're a genius. I got those big brains. My producer doesn't normally write my announcements on napkins and drop them from the sky. "Don't ask questions. " Okey-doke. Attention, Shark fans, a message here from a Hayley, who wants her dad to keep going. That's sweet. Also, the loge men's room is closed due to someone leaving a huge bomb in one of the toilets. That's disgusting. Another announcement just fluttered in. To the owner of the car with license plate "DABOMB," you are illegally parked in the Shark's locker room? [Grunting] Another message "It's on the visitor's goalpost" whatever that means. Oh, now I'm being handed a note by John, the P. A. This is how I typically get messages. It says I've been fired. Oh. I see. I'll just gather up 40 years of things. The bomb is on the goalpost. How am I supposed to get on the field? Hey, champ. Forgot my lucky steroids. You're the quarterback! Hey, it's me, guys, the quarterback. Get in there, Ignatowski! You guys are enormous. What's the play, Ignatowski? [Beeping] We're gonna drive all the way down the field and get to that goalpost. Yeah, no shit. What's the play? Uh flea-flicker. Announcer: A flea-flicker the most worn-out trick play there is somehow picks up 20 yards for the Sharks. How happy are we Dad only had two tickets? The game's so much better on TV anyway. - [Gasps] Who said that?! - [Panting] I can't believe that worked. Now what? Another flea-flicker, no question. Another flea-flicker. Puerile, yet effective. - [Gasping] - Is that you gasping, Steve? Enough with all the gasping, Steve. The Gorilla Stars finally wise up to the flea-flickers, forcing the Sharks to settle for a field goal. The hell we will. Touchdown! Ignatowski enjoys a well-deserved dance. What's this?! Now he's shinnying up the goalpost like a burlesque dancer, shocking the crowd with a sensual celebratory acrobatics display. What a disgrace. [Beeping] You did it, Dad! Dad? Ignatowski, your walkie-talkie's crackling like crazy! Shello. Terrorist: Nice play, Daddy. That was the last of my little bombs. You almost beat me. But then I realized I had the key to stopping you the whole time. - A poison sandwich. - What? No, I have your daughter. Hayley: Dad. [Grunts] Dad, I'm so sorry. We'll get out of this. So, um that, uh Miley Cyrus is pretty outrageous, isn't she? Stop this terrible conversation! [Grunts] [Crowd cheering] You're a wild card, I'll grant you that. The thing is, the wild-card team rarely wins the Super Bowl. It's happened, like, six times. Then I'd say that's pretty rare. That's like 12% of the time. In your mind, that's rare? I don't get you, buddy. You don't have to. You'll be dead soon. Not before we'll all be dead soon. Recognize these? [All gasp] Ah, yes my fake bombs. What? Cream cheese. Roger: There's cream cheese?! I've been eating dry bagels! We're in! You see, the fake bombs were simply a diversion to buy time. Time we needed to get this. Johnny Concussion's jersey from the last game he ever played. Of course! You can turn around and sell it to Steve Wynn for a fortune. The perfect crime. Oh, I won't be selling it. You son of a bitch! Steve Wynn's gonna be heartbroken! I'll be wearing it! You son of a bitch! Only Johnny Concussion can wear that! I couldn't agree with you more. Johnny Concussion? The owner kicked me off the team because of all my brain booms. Didn't he sound smarter before? Ha! I was only pretending to be a genius. Here come more surprise. Johnny's got a buddadda-duddadda. Ultimate frisbee! Johnny go bye-bye! Ultimate frisbee! [Crying] Oh, God! We almost died! I thought it was curtains for old Tawny! I realize now life is precious! I want a baby! Who wants to give old Tawny a baby?! [Whirring] Who wants to support old Tawny and her baby for the rest of their lives?! [Dramatic music plays] Get away from Johnny! Wow! I caught a pass from beloved football hero Johnny Concussion! Right in the numbers incredible! I'm gonna go long this time, Johnny! Dad, no! Johnny, why?! Why did you commit the crime of the century? - What about your fans?! - Fans? The same fans who cheered as I banged my head into madness? Well, soon they'll see just how mad I can be! They'll be blown away! [Gasps] My fly fly! Oh, come on! We did it! Now for our special halftime presentation, Johnny Concussion's ashes will be brought out for our memorial moment of silence! Wait. Johnny's not in that urn. "Blown away"! The urn's a bomb. A real one! He is gonna blow up the stadium. We'll never get down there in time! - [Falsetto singing] - Wait! Do you hear that? I'll take you, Stan! Do you trust me? I do Let's do this. - [Crowd booing] - This ain't cream cheese. - [Booing gets louder] - Ladies and gentlemen, let's put your lips together for our moment of silence! It's gonna go off when the meter reaches zero. We can't let the crowd get quiet. Come on, make some noise! Johnny Concussion was a bad guy! I said it! Now yell at me nonstop for, like, two minutes! - You no good - Avery. No, no, no! Say stuff thoughts and words! [Squawking] Um, uh! Ben is one of the all-time greatest bachelors. He's on the Mount Rushmore of Bachelor Nation. And in the produce section, you'll find onion, banana, blueberry, strawberry, Halle Berry. Oh, oh, Halle Berry, Phylicia Rashad, Esther Rolle, Mo'Nique, Viola Davis, Gabrielle Union, Jurnee Smollett-Bell, Regina King, Ruby Dandridge, Ruby Dee, Tia Mowry, Tamera Mowry, the mom from "Family Matters" who never anticipated Urkel. Urkel, Urkel, Urkel! Urkel, Urkel, Urkel! Urkel, Urkel! Oh, my first sexual dream was about Urkel! Sorry, Dad! Cookie Crisp! A-B-C-D-E-F-G H-I-J-K Elemeno-P - Q-R-S - [Chuckles] Dad, stay with me! We've gotta talk for another 90 seconds. I know, it's just it's just elemeno That reminds me of when you were little and you thought elemeno was one letter. I remember that! And when I told you it was four letters, you thought I was the smartest man in the world. It's been a long time since you thought that about me. Angela Bassett, Cicely Tyson. What are you talking about? I still think you're smart! When it's late at night And you want a tasty bite What are you gonna pick? Hot Pockets I don't always feel smart, but I'm your dad. So when we talk, I feel pressure, like I'm still supposed to be teaching you stuff. But everything got more complicated after "elemeno. " And I want to help you, but I'm afraid I'm getting it wrong Or worse, you're gonna think I'm an idiot. Stacey Dash! Can't believe I almost forgot the Dash. You're not an idiot, Dad. I thought it was my fault we didn't talk. I always worry you won't be interested in what I have to say. I mean, you travel the world as a spy, and I live in my childhood bedroom with my husband. Uh! Hattie McDaniel, Cicely Tyson. I already said Cicely Tyson. Then Kerry Washington! If we stop blaming ourselves, we'll have lots to talk about. Our shared passion for black actresses and not blowing up, and who needs a third thing? And when it gets quiet between us, it doesn't mean it's somebody's fault. Right. It's not gonna kill us to sit in silence. Both: Elemeno, elemeno, Pam Grier! [Buzzer sounds] This concludes Baby Bel's moment of silence. Baby Bel, cheese for your purse. [Crowd booing] It's Lee Tran! She's okay! I think we're all gonna be okay. Johnny Concussion always gets up.