Life of Brian (Family Guy episode)

Note: This is based on the original script for the episode. Lines and actions with a double-asterisk are deleted from the final process (making this sort of a director's cut).

Act One
(Opening scene: Downtown Quahog in the daytime. We see an empty street. After a few seconds, Brian and Stewie Griffin suddenly run into view, both screaming as bullets whiz past them. After a moment, a few military jeeps with gun-weilding Native Americans in fitting buckskins, war paint and headdresses turn onto the street, chasing them. Cut to the still-running duo. Stewie is wearing his backpack.)

Stewie: Hurry, Brian, they're gaining on us!

** Brian: I'm running as fast as I can!

** Stewie: Look, what if I told you there's a dog butt fifty yards ahead?

** Brian: Really? Is it a dog I've met before?

** Stewie: No, never.

** Brian: Well, we've gotta step on it!

(The road our duo run on turns into a bridge, and they begin to cross it. As they get midway, they see a different group of Natives approaching from the other side of the bridge, who also shoot at them.)

Brian: Dammit, we're surrounded!

(With nowhere left to run, the duo jump off the bridge into a river below. The Natives rush up to the edge and look over as the two swim away to safety.)

Native 1: Crap. They got away.

Native 2: Better call the boss. (The Native crouches down and starts rubbing his sticks together.) Damn. I'm not getting a smoke signal here.

(Pull back to include another native sitting with a drum on his lap. He slaps the first two beats off on the bongo, then turns over a rain stick to make a sound. This is the Native version of a rim shot.)

(The duo washes up on the riverbank, now safe from the Natives. They hide behind some bushes. On a road above them, various Natives mill about.)

Brian: (glaring at Stewie) Dammit, Stewie, what the hell did you do?!

Stewie: I know, I know, I messed up.

Brian: (mocking him) "I messed up"? You went back to Seventeenth-Century Jamestown and you gave guns to the Indians, and now they're running everything!

Stewie: I said I messed up, all right?! I guess I just have this pathological need to be liked.

Brian: Well, it's not a good trait.

Stewie: Aw, come on. Don't say that. Let me buy you lunch.

Brian: Thanks to you, the Indians killed all the white people and took over America! I mean, you're the one who's always saying, "never alter the past"!

Stewie: (seriously) Oh, come on, Brian, let's be honest. I frequently alter the past.

(Cutaway/Flashback: We see "The Last Supper". Jesus Christ holds a bill, addressing his Desciples on the table.)

Jesus: All right, so, I guess we'll split the bill 13 ways?

(Angle on Stewie, who leans over to Judas Iscariot.)

Stewie: (whispering) Hey, Judas, he ordered, like, five margaritas. All you had was a salad.

(Judas' eyes narrow.)