Animal Control

Welcome to Animal Control. Let me show you around. Those are some chairs. That's a cat or opossum. Oh, this is a napkin where I wrote down a cool name for a dog. "Bark Obama. " Right? Is that-- what's happening here? Oh. Yo. Yeah. We found this bird outside. We tried to turn it into a work whistle, like in the beginning of The Flintstones. Tougher than it looked, though. We have a massive pest problem in this town, and it's because the Animal Control Department has been disaster at catching animals. They're great at ingesting and selling marijuana. This place is a miserable suck hole run by two pot-head losers. It's completely and utterly mismanaged. Thanks! It does seem to be very poorly run, but we've only been here for two minutes. There may be a method to their madness. There's more than one way to skin a cat. Four. There's four ways to skin a cat. Regular blade-- Ow! Ah! What is this? - Coyote trap, dude. - Ah! This hurts! Yeah, we got, like, a huge vermin problem. I mean, we've been meaning to call somebody about it, but you know, nobody get on the phone. You're the people you would be calling. That is so trippy. Ow! You're fired! You're fired! The whole department is fired. Ow, this hurts! This was one of my running feet! - Yo, let's go to Jamaica. - No, we should go to Jamaica. Oh, is that what you said? Yeah, dog. Ron, you've been sweating in here all day. Are you drinking any fluids? Yes, plenty. No, you need to drink water. Usually, I take it neat, but I will make an exception in the name of health. Last night, I watched a movie with Diane and the girls in which an orange fish is separated from his father. The children were sniffling, which I believed to be due to the sad nature of the film. I was wrong. You need to take off those layers, rehydrate, and go to the doctor. Thank you for your concern, I will be fine. Please turn the thermostat up to 90 and leave me alone. Ron, this isn't safe. I am a grown man. I have had a cold before, I need no help, so if you don't mind-- That seems about right. Okay, pop quiz. Name the scent. Uh, "Spasm. " No, "Butter Face"! - Very good! - Yes! I'm trying to get more big companies to donate to the Sweetums Foundation, and tom got us a meeting with Dennis Feinstein, Pawnee's premiere manufacturer of perfumes and cologne. Oh! Or possibly, insecticide. Whew! Dennis Feinstein belongs to a new generation of wealth-- rappers, tech geniuses, X games medallists, and of course, "scent artists. " The man owns a Rolexus. It's a Lexus filled with Rolexes. What's the point of that? To have it, which he does. Okay, I'll lay out the benefits of donating. Tom will flatter and schmooze as only tom can. Andy, you know, this is just a learning experience for you, so you just watch and listen. I had to pull a lot of strings to get this meeting, so please, no one embarrass me. Ben, put on something decent, like a tux. Andy, you're hopeless, just take a shower. I already took what I call a "dwyer shower. " I rubbed my armpits with air fresheners. New car. Animal control has long been a repository for some of this government's most incompetent employees. Jerry Gergich got his start there. - Well. - All right, well. Yeah, so our new director needs to be competent, effective, and not completely stoned all the time. I'm way ahead of you there, girly. I got the perfect guy. Friend of mine, bit of an alcoholic, a little grabby, either a war hero or war criminal, depending on who you ask, but a good dude. - How do you know him? - I do his teeth. A few coffee stains up front, but his canines are insane. Gosh, Jeremy, he sounds perfect. - Are his gums great too? - Oh, yeah. They are excellent, beet red. I was being sarcastic. I think we should open this to the floor - for more discussion. - Uh, maybe you would like to explain this to her, please? Traditionally, Leslie, the councilmen just kind of take turns on departmental appointments. Yeah, this one is mine, then Dexhart, then you. This whole place runs on dibs. Are you kidding me? You guys are all fine with this? Well, Milton's asleep, but the rest of you? This is how departments get mismanaged. No. We are going to be thorough. I'm going to find a candidate, and I encourage you all to do the same, and then, we will interview all of them. Boring! "Boring" is my middle name, so my thoroughly vetted candidate is going to blow your candidate out of the water. Oh, I guess I'm leaving. Good to see you. Great meeting! I'd like to object again to being brought here against my will. Okay, I'm just gonna double-check your form here. Ron! You redacted all the information. - I answered some of them. - For "date of birth," you wrote "springtime. " - Which is true. - Everything you write down is confidential. We need you to give real answers. Fine. How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week? - One. - That's it, one drink? One shelf. - Do you exercise? - Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking. Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? I have an uncle who does yoga. - Allergies? - Cowardice and weak-willed men. And hazelnuts. Sexual history. Epic and private. Okay. I'm gonna go get your doctor. He's a rude, brash jerk. You'll love him. I'm gonna cut right to the chase. I don't like charity. I don't get it. Feels to me like I'm giving money away, and getting nothing in return. Well, that's not true. You can really help your personal brand if you show that you're a mogul that gives as much as he gets. If I give as much as I get, I'm giving $20 million. Ay yi yi. That's how much I'm worth, Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, he's disgusting, but I want to take his money and give it to needy people, so I'm just gonna keep on smiling. Yay! People who give to charity, they get amazing press. - Huh. - Like Bill Gates. Have you ever heard of Bill Gates? He lives in Seattle, guy with glasses. Bill Gates? I know who Bill Gates is. Bill Gates is, like, a super nerd. Is this some sort of nerd thing? Are you calling me a nerd? Uh, he meant Mark Cuban. Cuban? Now, that's the kind of guy I can hang out with-- Mark Cuban. - Yeah. - I'm interested now. Keep talking. Stay still. "Don't think about how much this itches. " That's very good advice. I have to say, this is the greatest search committee ever assembled to find a new Animal Control Department head. Chris Traeger can do more with one foot than most people can do with three. I'm not going to lie to you. I needed that. I know. - April Ludgate is beautiful - Stop. - You are talented - No. But most importantly, you're passionate about animals. That's true. It's because I'm half wolf. Okay, Donna, you took a look at all the resumes, so send in the best candidate. Wassup? I'm Harris. I'm 33 years young. I have my cousin Jason's truck for two more weeks. I have one testicle-- whac-a-mole accident-- and I'm down to clown. Harris, we know who you are. I literally just fired you. Oh, is this that job? That's crazy! Never mind. Why would you think Harris would be the best candidate? 'Cause he's one of only two applicants with actual experience at animal control. Uh-ohh. Does that mean-- What up? Yo, my name is Brett. I like burgers, and also, I'm very high right now. - Dude, this is hilarious! - Oh, yo! - We live together! - Yo, we live in the same place! - This is my boy! - Hey, "Wyld Stallyns"! You guys know why there are all those cops out there? Where are the cops at? - I gotta go. - Yo. A lot of charities waste their money on overhead, but we at the Sweetums Foundation, - spend our money wisely. - Okay. - You know what? Shut up. - All right. You guys seem like pretty cool dudes and I'm feeling pretty generous, so why don't we take this conversation to the Pawnee Smokehouse? Dumb-Dumb Eddie, get the checkbook. We're going out. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys, we're going out. Let's scent up! I call dibs on "Ooze. " - I got "Money Shot. " - Yeah. I got "Blood Spurt. " Ooh, no, don't use that one. Eh, go ahead. So why do you want this job? Well, I love cats, and dogs sure are great. Well, you have all the qualifications. You went to a four-year college. Actually, when I went there, it was just a two-year college. Wow, so you're not even technically qualified to work at your current job. Aw, geez. - You're fired. Get out. - No, no, you're not fired, but we're definitely going to have to lower your salary. Oh, well, fair's fair. I am very, very, very, very frightened of animals. This may not be the job for you. I know, but my therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard, told me to confront my fears. You see Dr. Richard Nygard? I'm a Nygardian too! Would you sign my cast? Yes, but just please don't give me this job. The spaying and neutering tools, do you think those fit humans? - Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. - And is there a lock on the spaying room door? Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. Thank you so much for coming in. - Thanks for having me. - Okay. Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave. Hey, give him a chance. What makes you qualified for animal control? I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind. - Get out. - I made you say that. I liked him. Well, that was a truly depressing slate of candidates. I think you've got several options. They're all terrible, but you have them. Before you begin, a few ground rules. I need you to explain everything you do before you do it, so I can determine whether I will allow you-- Oh! Ugh! Balsa wood? You could at least use mahogany. There's something occluding your ear. It's sawdust. Just blow. - Oh. - You've got strep throat. I'm writing you a prescription for penicillin. We'll have the rest of your test results in about 20 minutes. Cholesterol-- Not interested. Good day. Wish all patients were like that. It's really annoying when they ask questions. You know, they claim that smoking is bad for you, but is there any medical evidence to back that up? - Great point. - So the Sweetums Foundation has really accomplished a lot recently. Our health care outreach program has reduced pink eye in the rural community by 30% to 70%. Snooze. You guys ever been fox hunting? I have my own foxes flown in from Russia. We drug them pretty heavily so they can't get very far. In fact, mostly, they just flop around on the ground. Makes it easier to just walk up and "pow!" Stupid foxes. It's deeply erotic. That sounds amazing. We should go hunting sometime. I'd love to. I could bust out my Ralph Lauren Fall 2010 collection. Copped it in 2012. Clearance rack! Wear whatever you want, as long as it's not too bright or reflective. You know, I want you blending in to the surroundings. How fast can you run? I think that guy wants to hunt me. So, Dennis, not to interrupt-- Then don't. Boom! Ha ha! Shut him right down! I have heard so much talking from you. I don't want to hear your fat mouth say anything else. - Boo! - Oh. You're a dick. Excuse me? - Andy-- - How dare you talk to me like that? Where are your manners? You come to me asking for money, and you treat me like this? I don't think so. Wrap it up! We're done! Hey! Show these garbage people out! Take the garbage out, Eddie. Donna? Gentlemen. Mr. Palletta, what is your occupation currently? I run a children's break dancing studio called "D. J. Jazzy Vern's. " Do you have any experience with animals? Uh, a bat landed on my face once. Hey, you know what, he's not a rack of ribs, so stop grilling him. Nailed it. Ribs are better smoked than grilled, so un-nailed it, with the back part of the hammer. How many more questions are there gonna be? Jamm said if I got my teeth whitened, - I'd just get the gig. - Uh, ga ga ga--ho. Hold up, that's enough. Thank you, you're done. You did a heck of a job, Vernie. Thanks, Jimbo. Not bad, right? I mean, if he can catch raccoons as well as he can teach six-year-olds to pop and lock, he's a home run. That is an insane statement. Well, I don't see anyone better. April, I got a present for you. I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused like a railway worker. I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud. - Really? Thanks. - On an unrelated note, do you remember all those candidates we were interviewing for the Animal Control job and how they were all total losers who didn't care about animals? Except for Jerry, who was great, but who we had to pass on for other reasons. I was just happy to be considered. Anyhoo, I nominated you for the position, and your confirmation hearing is in three minutes. - Surprise. - No, I don't want the job. You can have your mud and blood back. April, please, you will be so good at it. You are so good with animals. Even if I wanted the job, I don't want to do the stupid confirmation hearing, okay? Stupid councilmen asking me stupid questions about my stupid life-- it seems stupid. No, it's easy--they'll just ask you a few questions. Let's practice. What's your name? Batman. See? I failed. I will be there to help you, okay? I will be your Pocahontas. Climb into my papoose. Please do this. Please, please. Do it. Do it. Do it. - Do it. You're gonna do it. - Okay. - Yes! Yay! - But only if you divorce Ben. Hey, don't even joke about that. What? I really think he's wrong for you. We now resume the confirmation proceedings for director of the Animal Control Department. Okay. Let's tear this chick a new one, shall we? Ms. Ludgate, we have found many emails showing how you sexually harassed Leslie Knope's assistant. Andy? That's my husband. They were still extremely graphic, and appreciated by all of us. I had never heard of several of those terms, and I'm a freak. Those are personal. No one's allowed to read those. You once posted a video of yourself drinking alcohol in City Hall while you were still a minor. How do you justify that? Easily. Alcohol is delicious and fun Damentally a substance that should not be abused. I agree, April. Very good point. Wow. Ms. Ludgate, are you a ventriloquist? I mean, that is amazing how you make your words come out of Ms. Knope's mouth. Would you like to put her on your knee? I mean, that'd be really fun. Just three years ago, you drove-- She's not ready. Now, you've rushed her into this, and now, Jamm's sharpening the knives. Leslie, no one needs to be jammed today. Okay, all we need is some kind of distraction. Grab that gavel and break your other foot. I like the idea of double the signings, but I think the negatives outweigh the positives. Don't panic. Maybe she can pull this off. I guess my first move as director would be to fill your office, house, and car with snakes, and then train a crow to fly up your butt. Okay! Let's take a brief recess. Well, well, well. Look who's back. Thank you so much for seeing us again, sir. We just came to apologize. Mr. Dennis Feinstein, let me just say, from the bottom of my heart, my bad. I just started working here, and I really want to do a good job, and I blew it. Thank you for saying that. Thought about it last night, and I decided that if you came in here and apologized to me like a man, that I would forgive you, and that's what you've done, so you're forgiven. To that end, here is a check for $25,000 for your charity. - Oh! - Go out there and help some kids with their pink eye, or whatever it is you guys are doing. Mr. Feinstein, thank you. This is extremely generous. It's nothing, really. I'm happy to help. This check is made out to "Go [bleep] yourself. " In your face! Dennis Feinstein helps no man! Get the hell out of my office! - Hey, what's your problem, man? - Why did you make me - apologize to him? - Guys, guys, just hold it-- hold on a sec, okay? Mr. Feinstein, with all due respect you are a major dick. - What? - Run! - Eddie, get my crossbow. - Crossbow? What the-- You will pay for this! Hey, you look better. I guess actual medicine can be effective. Who'da thunk? Please leave me alone. Not until we go over your test results and your blood work. Your blood pressure looks fine. I'm not sure how this is possible, but your cholesterol is 120, which is the lowest I've ever seen. What's "cholesterol"? And the only problem I see is that your potassium's low, so just eat a banana once in awhile. No, thank you. I live the way I live, I eat the things I eat, and I'll die the way I'll die. That's oddly beautiful but also stupid. You're not alone in the world anymore, Ron. You're dating a woman who has two kids, so every three days, think about Ivy and Zoe and Diane, and eat a damn banana. I am so sorry, April. You are doing terribly up there, and it's all my fault. It's not you, it's me. - Are you breaking up with me? - I'm breaking up with the idea of you being director of Animal Control. I say we just withdraw your application and let Vern become director. He does have good teeth. No! All right, I have an idea. Trust me. Ms. Ludgate, it is the opinion of this committee that you are terrible. Can you give me even one reason why you're the right man for this job? No. But neither is your guy. Neither of us should get the job. Oh, no? Why is that? There shouldn't be a separate Animal Control Department. Its budget is tiny, and it's ineffective, and frankly, no one could change that. So I think it should be absorbed into the Parks Department. That is a genius idea. Somebody wake up Milton. History is being made. Iwo Jima! Animal Control would be way more effective if it ran through the Parks Department, and if you want, I can write up an official report in language simple enough for even you dummies to understand, dummies. Councilman, you have to admit that that idea makes a lot of sense. Hang on a second. You seem to be forgetting that I already told Vern he got the job, and he already bought a new speedboat. Well, I hope he kept a receipt. That was a brilliant idea from a dark, tortured genius, and I move that Animal Control be absorbed into Parks and Rec. I second that. Yay! Look at that, April. You won over Jamm. Uh, no, she didn't. I'm just sick of being on the losing side. I'm going to tell everyone this was my idea. Retro-jammed. What do we do now? Can I apologize again? I'm getting really at apologizing. Screw that. You should apologize for apologizing to that guy. God, we really could've used the money, though. Just wish we'd made a bigger impression. You did-- I was really impressed by all the stuff the foundation's done for all them poor homies, so you know what? Rent-A-Swag is gonna donate five cents from every dollar we make this month. It's not Feinstein money, but it'll help. That's very generous, Tom. Feinstein's the worst. I hope he gets into an accident driving that Rolex Mobile. For the last time, it's a Rolexus, and you can't drive it. April, I have a gift for you. Ta da. At Leslie's suggestion, I have made you deputy director of Animal Control within the Parks Department. You'll be amazing at it, and the best part, there is no confirmation hearing. How did you make this plaque so quickly? I had it made your first week here. I knew you'd be going places, so I wanted to be prepared. - Can I hire an intern? - Not yet. - Can I hire a Mexican elf? - No. - Can I buy a child bride? - No. Then how is this even a promotion? Government shouldn't operate based on personal favors. It should operate based on good ideas. April had the best idea, and today the best idea won. Leslie, I really have to go to the bathroom. Oh, yeah, right, sorry. You don't have to come in with me. I wasn't going to. Could you pick up the pace a little bit? Oh, yes, Miss Daisy. - Night, Ron. - Night, Ron. Ladies, ladies.