Fight Club Paradise

Hello? Oh, my It smells like this room has not been cleaned for five whole seasons of a television show. Oh! Hello chicken! Ooh, your chair so dirty. If I clean you no run away, okay? You promise? I like you, Chicken. Oh man! I just realized they'll probably show the Sex and the City 3 trailer! Why are you so excited? I tried to drag you to the last one and you almost broke up with me. The last one flopped pretty bad, so the studio's making the third one more guy-friendly. Well, the lack of testes was making me testy but this boring event just took a sperm for the better. Hey everyone, this chick is giving me some ah you know what, it's too easy. Joke withdrawn, everyone. Joke withdrawn. "The detective said Samantha's collar was rigged to blow as soon as she made a sex pun. So it couldn't have been on her for more than 60 seconds. " Carrie, come to Miranda's, quick! The collar was rigged to blow as soon as she tasted tuna. Ironically, she was making an actual tuna fish sandwich. Mr. Big, someone is killing my friends! You've got to help us! Carrie, I have two secrets. First, my real name isn't Alexander Big. My second secret is THIS. Out of the way gaybies! Hyah! Hyah! Big? I feel so strange. Your brain is getting used to your new body, Miss Bradshaw. Uhh, what shall I do with her old body? Donate it to science. Shut up! The Katherine Heigl movie is starting. Sex and The City 3! Sex and The City 3! Shhh!!

(Scene starts in cartoon animation. Family has a picnic while a bush moves towards them. A hand reaches out and snatches the picnic basket. Yogi Bear pops out of the bush)

Yogi Bear: He, he, he! I avoid starvation for another day!

(Yogi Bear runs for it, but accidentally bumps into Ranger Smith)

Ranger Smith: Sorry, Yogi, but if you steal one more basket, it's my job!

Yogi Bear: You'll never catch me! I live the life of the free!

(Yogi Bear runs for it)

Ranger Smith: Not this time, Yogi! Ho-chi-ya-cha-rooo!

(Rock-like music plays as Ranger Smith is struck by a bolt of lightning. The scene becomes live-action as Smith turns into a Power Forest Ranger. Yogi (still in cartoon form) stares in shock as four other Power Forest Rangers jump out from behind Smith. The Power Forest Rangers charge as the scene cuts to the cartoon Yogi Bear)

Yogi Bear: What a surprise! But try this on for size!

(Yogi Bear stamps his foot as cartoon smoke covers the background. It then changes into live action smoke and Yogi Bear appears as a live-action villian)

Yogi Bear: Hey, hey, heyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

(Power Forest Rangers battle the live-action Yogi Bear while choir is singing "Yo! Yo! Power Forest Rangers". Scene cuts to cartoon Boo Boo Bear, hiding in a bush and watching the chaos around him with fright)

Boo Boo: What the fuck is happeniiiiiing?!!

(Power Forest Rangers and Yogi Bear continue fighting, then the scene cuts to a man at a table with several Japanese men)

Man: And that is how you bring Yogi Bear to Japan! You're welcome!

(The Japanese men exchange glances with each other before getting out of their seats and leaving. The one closest to Man puts a sword on the table before leaving with the others. The Man looks down and sighs sadly.)

You're welcome! They called me mad, but I did it! Egypt shall forevermore be known as the land of giant boobies! Haha. They're like giant boobies! Don't be an idiot! I just don't think we're ready for this. Not-not right now. Okay. I understand. It's okay.

(Opening shot: an image of Robot Chicken and his wife. The camera zooms out from the picture to show Robot Chicken returning home to his wife after the events in the sketch "The Escape", only to find his home destroyed and his wife missing.)

Robot Chicken: Baw-baaawk! BAWK?!

(Camera pans across the destroyed living room towards the television set, next to which is a DVD labeled "Robot Chicken" and a piece of paper covered in magazine clippings that spell the phrase "Play Me". Robot Chicken puts the DVD into the player and begins to watch.)

(The movie starts in the Mad Scientist's laboratory, with the Mad Scientist himself pointing to the empty chair where the Robot Chicken used to sit. He shrugs and snaps his finger, clearly having a new plan. The DVD cuts to Robot Chicken's house, where the Mad Scientist points the camera at an image of Robot Chicken and his wife. He enters the bathroom, following a line of discarded clothes, and looks in the mirror before turning to the shower where Robot Chicken's wife is. After a moment, Robot Chicken's wife notices the Mad Scientist and reflexively covers her chest)

Robot Chicken's Wife: BAWK!

(The DVD shifts back to the laboratory, where Robot Chicken's wife is strapped in the chair. The Mad Scientist gestures grandly before turning on the television sets, each of them showing sketches from the previous  Robot Chicken  episodes. Close up on the head of Robot Chicken's wife, crying and shaking in fear as she is forced to watch the television sets.)

(The DVD ends in a burst of static. Robot Chicken stares in shock for a moment, but quickly adopts an angry, determined expression.)

Robot Chicken: Bawk-bawk.

(Cut to outside the Mad Scientist's Castle. The Robot Chicken transforms his robotic wing into a fist and heads off towards the castle.)

(Cut to the Robot Chicken's P.O.V. as he approaches the castle doors. The bouncer, Nicky Passion, signals that he can't come any farther. The Robot Chicken punches him through the door where he flies into a wall and dies. As the people in the room stare at Nicky's body, the Robot Chicken enters the first floor and the camera pans to show the whole room.)

Robot Chicken: Bawk! (Negative Wonder Woman screams in terror and people begin running away. 'The Robot Chicken swiftly kills Mockingbird, the head of mission control, and the leprechaun. He moves up to the stairs where the two aliens are. One alien pours the other alien a drink.)

Alien: Are you on your way to a FAN-CY PAR-TY? That was my line from our first appearance on the show!

(The Robot Chicken turns his robotic wing into a hammer and smashes the alien into the wall. The second alien attacks and the Robot Chicken turns its arm into a buzzsaw and cuts the second alien, splattering green-yellow blood all over the wall. The first alien jumps at the Robot Chicken and gets his head cut off, with the Robot Chicken snatching the bottle out of his hand as he dies.)

Alien: I deserve it!

(The Robot Chicken moves onto a flat "checkpoint" between flights of stairs. He drinks the rest of the alien's drink as Cactus runs by screaming. Camera pans to Tray-Norr, who is armed with a large scimitar and standing in front of the next flight of stairs.)

Tray-Norr: Ah, man!

(Tray-Norr twirls his scimitar as the Robot Chicken transforms his wing into a sword. They duel briefly before the Robot Chicken slices Tray-Norr's torso in half diagonally. With his current foe defeated, the Robot Chicken runs up the stairs, passing Munson.)

Munson: Munson!

(The camera pans over to Mo-Larr, on the next staircase checkpoint.)

Mo-Larr: You seem so ruthless - time to make you toothless!

(Mo-Larr pulls out a drill and lunges at the Robot Chicken, who dodges and smashes Mo-Larr in the face. The words "eat shit" ("shit" is censored) splatter on the wall in blood. Mo-Larr groans and collapses; the Robot Chicken nods at him and moves up the steps to the next checkpoint on the staircase, where Joey Fatone, Killer Chicken, and Batman's Maid are armed and waiting. The Robot Chicken adopts a battle stance, only to be taken off-guard when the Six Million Peso Man swings in from the side, smashing the Robot Chicken into the wall. The four attack the Robot Chicken, but are quickly blown back as the Robot Chicken recovers. The Robot Chicken kills Fatone before smashing the Six Million Peso Man's head into a wall, opening a morgue shutter that spews out a skeleton. Robot Chicken throws the Killer Chicken into the morgue shutter (with the door closing behind him), and knocks the maid over the ledge of the platform using the skeleton.)

Batman's Maid: AAH!

(Robot Chicken runs up the steps. Montage is hanging from a stair railing, holding a gun. As the Robot Chicken approaches, he climbs up the railing and aims his gun.)

Montage: Buh-buh! (He gets pushed off the railing by the Robot Chicken as he begins to shoot.) AAH!

(Robot Chicken goes up the stairs to the next checkpoint, where the Unicorn is waiting.)

Unicorn: ''Wheeeigh! Your beak looks ribbed for my pleasure''!

(Unicorn lowers his head and charges at Robot Chicken, who jumps over him and tears his horn off, also breaking the Unicorn's spine. Robot Chicken then shoves the horn into Unicorn's upraised butt.)

Unicorn: (pained) OWWW!... (calmly) That's not half bad, actually.

(Robot Chicken grabs the Unicorn's front leg and throws him out the glass-stained window in the wall.)

Unicorn: WHOOOOAAHHH!!

(As the Unicorn's scream fades, Robot Chicken goes up to the next checkpoint. This one has five bear traps scattered around the ground, with the Gummy Bear standing guard in front of the stairs.)

Gummy Bear: (singing) I'm so happy, 'cause you are gonna die - Gonna die!

(The Robot Chicken carefully navigates through the bear traps as the Gummy Bear looks on. As the Robot Chicken makes it past the last bear trap, the Gummy Bear jump-kicks him in the head. The Robot Chicken quickly recovers, blocks the next attack, and grabs the Gummy Bear.)

Gummy Bear: No-no-no! No, stop!

(Robot Chicken bites the Gummy Bear's black eyes out, causing her to scream in pain. While the Gummy Bear is distracted, the Robot Chicken throws her onto the Gummy Bear traps, where she is systematically dismembered; the first trap severs her arm, the second gets her leg, the third removes her other arm, and the fourth cuts off her waist and other leg. The last bear trap closes on her neck, leaving her still-screaming head to roll down the steps. Robot Chicken then moves to the next staircase, where the Little Drummer Boy is performing a drumroll.)

Little Drummer Boy: A drumroll? It's so suspenseful!

(The Little Drummer Boy attempts to strike Robot Chicken with his drum sticks, only for the Robot Chicken to take his drum sticks and jab them in his eyes. The Little Drummer Boy falls to his knees as the Robot Chicken moves on.) 

Little Drummer Boy: Aaah, what an ironic death!

(Robot Chicken moves to the top of the stairs, where Eagle Eye Smith charges right past him.)

Eagle Eye Smith: I'm a champion!

(Eagle Eye falls down the stairs as the Robot Chicken looks on. Behind him, Daniel Gyro-Robo walks up and grabs his shoulder.)

Daniel Gyro-Robo: Hm, looks like somebody's been watching Tony Jaa's The Protector.

(Robot Chicken whips around to look at Daniel, who immediately backs up into the wall, peeing his pants and bumping into a shelf of glass beakers.)

Daniel Gyro-Robo: (terrified) Looks like somebody just peed in his Gatchaman boxer shorts!

(Robot Chicken walks past Daniel to the Humping Robot, who makes humping gestures and points at the Robot Chicken, clearly intending to hump him. Before his foe can make good on his portent, Robot Chicken turns his robotic hand into a taser-like device and shocks the Humping Robot with it. Closeup on the Humping Robot's head as it violently explodes. Robot Chicken walks up the next set of stairs, passing Sunshine Cowboy, who is standing against the wall.)

Sunshine Cowboy: Heh heh! ...Whew.

(Sunshine Cowboy wipes his brow, only for Robot Chicken to level a gun at his head from offscreen and shoot him. With that done, the Robot Chicken reaches the next checkpoint, which has a Christmas tree and presents below it. Composite Santa Claus jumps down from above, landing on the Robot Chicken.)

Composite Santa Claus: Suck my sleigh balls!

(Composite Santa Claus throws Robot Chicken into the tree, knocking it over. Robot Chicken jumps up with a wooden baseball bat and bludgeons Composite Santa Claus until he falls down the stairs.)

Composite Santa Claus: My only weakness!

(Robot Chicken goes up the stairs to find Bitch Puddin' at the next checkpoint.)

Bitch Puddin': Da-da-dadada-dadaaaa... Bitch Puddin'! Ba-ba-ba-BLAM!

(Bitch Puddin' attacks Robot Chicken with a flurry of blows, knocking him all over the checkpoint.)

Bitch Puddin': How do you like the taste of Bitch Puddin'?

(Bitch Puddin' punches Robot Chicken and throws him to the ground off-screen.)

Bitch Puddin': Your mama sure liked it when she ate it out of my butt-hole!

(The Robot Chicken jumps at her with a sign that says "My mother was a saint!". Bitch Puddin' quickly recovers from the hit and jumps on the Robot Chicken's chest to continue her attack.)

Bitch Puddin': Fuck, blam! Bitch Puddin'!

(Bitch Puddin' knocks Robot Chicken away from her and into the castle wall. She proceeds to strike Robot Chicken several times.)

Bitch Puddin': Blam-blam-blam-blam. Whooo, BLAM!

(After taking the hits, Robot Chicken manages to hit Bitch Puddin' with his sign, transitioning into a series of blows that knocks her over the railing. The Robot Chicken watches as Bitch Puddin' falls several grounds and knocks the ground with a "splat".)

Bitch Puddin': Ba-ba-BLAAAAAAAAAAAM!

(With Bitch Puddin' dead, Robot Chicken runs up the stairs and kills the Space Pirate Monkey from Pluto. Robot Chicken reaches the next checkpoint where he kills Glycerin, knocks the chair out from under the Bloopers Host - who is trying to hang himself - kills the yeast monster and cuts the rope of the Bloopers Host's noose, saving him.)

Bloopers Host: You saved me?!

(CD runs up behind Robot Chicken.)

CD: Have at thee!

(Without turning around, Robot Chicken backhandedly knocks him back down the stairs as the Bloopers Host continues talking.)

Bloopers Host: My life has value after all!

(Robot Chicken rips off the Bloopers Host's head before racing up the stairs, killing Petroleum Pete on the way up. He reaches the last checkpoint, where Mike Lazzo (armed with a sword) and Keith Crofford (wielding nunchucks) ambush him.)

Mike Lazzo: Ding-dang, this gonna be one dilly of a slobber-knocker!

(The two lunge at the Robot Chicken, who steps back and lets them stab each other. As Mike and Keith fall to the ground, they look at each other and clasp hands.)

Keith Crofford: Ow! (weakly) These ratings...will be glorious!

(Keith Crofford and Mike Lazzo make out with each other, then Robot Chicken stomps on their heads, splattering blood everywhere. Cut to the door to the Mad Scientist's laboratory where the Nerd stands guard. He strikes a fighting pose as the Robot Chicken walks up, only to rethink his position and wuss out.)

Nerd: Let me just get that for you.

(The Nerd opens the door for Robot Chicken, and watches the latter enter the room.)

Nerd: I wish I was a bionic chicken. That would be so cool.

(Cut to the laboratory. Robot Chicken walks in to see the chair empty and the television screens showing nothing but static.)

Robot Chicken: Bawk bawk?

(The Mad Scientist comes out from behind the chair, clapping sinisterly.)

Robot Chicken: Bawk bawk?

(The Mad Scientist offers Robot Chicken a seat in the restraining chair. When the Robot Chicken refuses, he snaps his finger and pulls out a red and white striped bucket of fried chicken, implying that the Robot Chicken's wife is dead.)

Robot Chicken: (horrified) Bawk bawk? Bawk bawk bawk? (angry) BAWK BAWK BAWK!

(Enraged as never before, Robot Chicken furiously attacks the Mad Scientist, kicking the bucket of fried chicken out of his hand. The Mad Scientist easily deflects the Robot Chicken's blows with his gloved left fist, then kicks Robot Chicken into a table. The Mad Scientist then proceeds to attack Robot Chicken with multiple head blows and knocks Robot Chicken into the side of the chair. After attacking the Robot Chicken a few more times, the Mad Scientist's next blow is blocked by Robot Chicken. After a short struggle, the Robot Chicken gets thrown into the wall next to the television screens. The Mad Scientist goes to attack again, but discovers that his hand is trapped in a restraining cuff on the chair. As the Mad Scientist struggles to free himself, Robot Chicken gets back up.)

Robot Chicken: Bawk bawk bawk bawk!

(As the Mad Scientist continues struggling, Robot Chicken runs behind the televisions and pushes them down, crushing the Mad Scientist underneath his own torture devices. Catching his breath, Robot Chicken sighs as the adrenaline rush fades, seemingly resigned to his wife's death.)

Robot Chicken's Wife: Bawk bawk?

(Robot Chicken looks back in surprise and relief as the camera pans to his wife, tied to a chair in a side room. Robot Chicken frees his wife, and they hug while eating chicken legs from the Mad Scientist's bucket. The Mad Scientist's scorched head lies on a crate in front of them, two sticks shoved in his eyes like candles.)

Singer: We love you

Singer: What a journey we've been though so far

Echo: We've been through so far

Singer: Because of you, we've had to raise the bar

Echo: Raise the bar

(Camera pans to a heart-shaped hole in a broken window.)

Singer: Toys and violence

Singer: Molesting your brain and then buying your silence

Singer: And you were there and nothing was taboo

Singer: Yeah, yeah, yeah

Singer: We love you

Echo: We love you

Singer: Nerds on unicorns

Singer: Dirty filthy puppet porn

Singer: We love you

Echo: We love you

Singer: Robotic sexual assault

Singer: It's not the washing machine's fault

Singer: Five whole seasons of nothing but pleasing

Singer: When our cold hearts are freezing,

Singer: You give our lives some reason

Singer: Thank you