The One About Friends

So I tell her, "Baby, don't come over for a play date if you ain't ready to play.

" - Straight up.

- Uh-huh.

Shorty be tripping.

[HORN HONKS] - That's my old lady.

I'm out.

- All right, then.

Be good, my brother.

- What up, Shavonne? - Hi, Rallo.

Dang.

That lady's butt: Ka-blam! Rallo, you boys been playing with my shoes again? - No.

- Really? You know what this means.

This means I gotta go shoe shopping.

[NU SHOOZ'S "I CAN'T WAIT" PLAYING] Okay.

Then we'll meet at 7.

I'll text Vanessa and IM Jody.

You Twitter Gabby, poke Tracy, and cyber-bully Maria.

Oh, I got another call.

Hang on, girl.

Hey, girl.

Ooh, hang on, girl.

Hey, girl.

Wow, Donna.

Between Rallo and Roberta this house is a veritable beehive of activity.

Mm-hm.

And the queen bee is happy to see her honey.

[MIMICS BUMBLE BEE AND CHUCKLES] One thousand three hundred and forty-five.

One thousand three hundred and forty-six.

One thousand three hundred and forty-seven.

One thousand three hundred and forty-eight.

- What are you doing, son? - Counting to a million.

Why? Why are you doing that? Why does anybody do anything? Did you eat the brownies in the back of the freezer? - No.

- Good.

Don't.

Because they're your dad's for when he goes to concerts.

- Got it? - Okay.

One thousand, three hundred and forty-nine.

Man, I gotta find Cleveland Jr.

A friend.

I agree.

That boy is Ionelier than a widowed trapeze artist with Alzheimer's.

[CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING] Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

This is a good place to meet people.

- See anyone who interests you? - That guy seems cool.

Or how about that young man over there playing basketball? - Hey, mind if we play? - Sure.

All right.

The two of you against this old-timer.

Check it.

Ow! Ow! Foul.

Foul.

Daddy, he's leaving.

Well, then he forfeits.

You forfeit.

He seems Ionely.

Looks like he could use a friend too.

- Hey, sport.

I got a proposition for you.

- Yeah? My name's Cleveland.

How'd you like to play with Cleveland Jr? - What? - Oh, you'll love him.

He's a little chubby but he's always up for a good time.

A lot of other kids have jerked him around.

But I can tell you're the kind of guy who would treat him right.

Don't get me wrong.

He's a handful, but a nice handful.

Look, I'll be honest with you.

I'm tired of playing with him.

You wanna see him? Come over by the car and I'll let you have a look.

Come on.

What do you say? I'll give you 30 bucks right now if you'll play with him in the car.

Boomerang.

[SIRENS WAIL AND GUNS COCK] You know, once I read over the transcript I could see how my words might have been misconstrued.

Thanks for trying to help me, Dad.

- Maybe we'll find me a friend tomorrow.

- Yes, we will.

And if not then, then the next day.

And if not then, then the next day.

And if not then, we'll give up.

Because that will have been four days and that's enough.

Hey, there's Lester Krinklesac's boy.

- What are you doing, Ernie? - Playing kick the can.

- I didn't know you could play that alone.

- Well, I don't have any friends.

- Ow.

Daddy.

- Wear your damn seatbelt.

Ernie, this is my son, Cleveland Jr.

He doesn't have any friends either.

- You wanna play kick the can? - Do I? That's okay.

I didn't get it at first either.

I'll teach you how.

All right.

Now, you halfwits have a good time.

[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING] Ha, ha.

And then the old lady was hobbling after us because the crab apple we threw broke her windshield.

And she tripped over a surveying flag and landed in the mud.

I bet even she had to laugh at that one.

I tell you, Ernie, it's nice having you here.

Looks like I'm not the only one around here with a white boyfriend.

Oh-ho-ho-ho! She's trying to call you homosexuals, Cleveland Jr.

And Ernie.

That's funny.

I'm gonna use that.

I'm gonna use it right now.

Y'all are homosexuals.

[LAUGHS] This has been a perfect day.

Well, you know, Ernie, the fun doesn't have to end.

Why don't we have a good, old-fashioned sleepover? - Yeah.

- Really? Sure, mi casa es su casa.

Wow.

Your dad knows janitor language.

I love it here.

Come on to my room, Ernie.

We can look at our boogers under the microscope.

Cool.

[SIGHS] You can go too, Cleveland.

Cool.

Oh, gross.

Hey, y'all.

So what are we grubbing on tonight? Oh, Ernie, you're back for dinner again.

Yep.

You said I could come over anytime, so I'm moving in.

Well, that's not exactly what l If Cleveland Jr.

's boyfriend gets to live here, then why can't mine? Okay.

He can't live here.

And Federline's definitely not gonna live here.

Aah! I sat on my nuts.

- Can I help you? - Hi, Lester.

This is a little awkward but Ernie was talking about moving into my house and I figured you Is that true, Ernie? You wanna live here or there? There, I reckon.

Well, boy's all yours.

Hmm.

Well, let's go home.

I'll get out of these pants and you can play with Cleveland Jr.

I shouldn't talk to boys.

I brought all my stuff.

My kit, my caboodle, my doodads, my doohickeys my doojiggers, my gewgaws.

[JUNIOR CHUCKLES] We're gonna be roommates.

Oh, perfect, just what we need.

Another dude.

Would it kill somebody to bring home a hot Puerto Rican chick who's into black midgets? And this is Princess, my pet possum.

Aah! Hide the cheese.

Sorry, but I'm no good at living with animals.

Hey, big-fat-ugly-tumor-head man, I'm going down to the student center.

You want a soda or something? I am referred to as the Elephant Man.

You don't look like an elephant.

You look like a big-fat-ugly-tumor-head man.

This is not why they call me the Elephant Man.

[ZIPPER UNZIPS] [ELEPHANT TRUMPETS] Morning.

Uh, could you at least run the water while you're doing that? Okay.

Do y'all have a disposal or should I do the rest in the yard? Both.

[POSSUM SQUEAKS] [POSSUM SCREECHING AND DONNA SCREAMING] Get off me! Is there room for two? [CLEVELAND SCREAMING AND POSSUM HISSING] Hasta la possum, baby.

[POSSUM SQUEALS] [DONNA SCREAMS] So, Lester have you given any further thought to when you might want Ernie to return home? He can make his own decisions.

He's a grown-ass man.

Lester, he's 14.

You gotta take back your boy.

Why should I? Seems to me he's happy anywhere but our house.

Y'all can pay for my drinks.

So, Cleveland, how are you gonna get Lester to take his boy back? I guess I'll have to get creative like Van Gogh when he discovered the Q-tip.

Eew, waxy.

- What the hell are you doing? - This is my business.

Excuse me.

This is a private residence.

- It's me, Cleveland.

- What? - What are you doing? - I'm Lester from the future.

I'm gonna visit him in his sleep and tell him that without his influence future Ernie will destroy NASCAR by making them drive the other way around the track.

- Will you just call Child Services? - What? - I don't wanna get Lester in trouble.

- You won't.

Trust me.

I had to call them more than once with Robert.

They'll come over, sit Lester and Ernie down and force them to talk this out.

- That makes sense.

Dynamite.

What the? Holt? I figure you're Lester, I'll be you.

We may dress as you all but you all may not dress as us.

[CHICKEN PEEPING] - Ha, ha.

There he goes.

- I got him.

I got him.

[CHICKEN SCREECHES] Dinner will be ready in half an hour.

[DOORBELL RINGS] My, who could that be? Hi.

I'm with Child Protective Services.

I'm here for Ernie.

Ernie, this nice man is gonna sit down with you and your dad to have a talk.

Okay.

But we were gonna play mine-shaft disaster in the crawl space.

I was gonna be the greedy mine owner who turned a blind eye to numerous safety violations.

A, you can play later.

And B, you know you can't fit in that crawl space.

I don't have to fit in there, Daddy.

I'm the owner of the mine.

I don't have to do the dirty work.

Plus, I already told you, I knew it was dangerous in there Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can play later.

[PANTING] Thank God you called us, Mr.

Brown.

No child should live in such conditions.

You called Child Services on me? How dare you? [SQUEALING] [BRAYING] Hmph.

I feel terrible.

Terrible, terrible, terrible.

I broke up a family and sent away the only friend Cleveland Jr.

Had.

I know.

I mean, Lester's not perfect but he is Ernie's father, Cleveland.

Whoa, listen to you.

"He's Ernie's father.

" Yesterday, you were all: "Call Child Services.

Call Child Services.

They'll have a conversation.

Oh, maybe they'll hug it out.

Oh, that'll be great.

" Oh, that's only because you were all, "My kid is Ionely.

He's a loser.

Blah, blah, blah.

I gotta get him a friend.

Oh, I sat on my nuts.

" Uh-huh.

And you're all, "Oh, Cleveland, even though we have our differences I should probably pleasure you right here in the kitchen.

Any way you want.

Whatever makes you feel good the fastest so you can get out there and reunite that family.

" And then you're like, "No, that's okay.

I'll just go in the bathroom and take care of myself real quick and then get out there and bring Ernie home.

" Oh, man.

Why did I have to say that? [KNOCKS] - Lester, I have good news.

- I already heard.

- We got a black president.

- I know.

But this is about Ernie.

I called Child Services and found out that they took him to a foster family in Elmwood.

But first, I listened to their entire message because some of their menu options may have changed.

Anyway, they scheduled a custody hearing for tomorrow morning.

All you have to do is come with me and we can get your boy back.

What about my six pigs, my donkey, and my Porta John? I don't know what to do.

Lester won't go to the hearing.

It's like he doesn't even want his son back.

Am I the only one who knows psychology here? Nope.

I minored in it.

Guess what I majored in? - Partying.

- There he is.

The point is, Lester does want his son back but he is too proud and way too stupid Oh.

Oh, Lester.

We were just speaking of a different Lester.

And in case you did not hear, this other Lester is stupid.

Ugh.

Sorry, I'm late.

I was busy turning Ernie's room back into a panic room.

Panic Room, with Forest Whitaker, who was in Fast Times with Sean Penn who was in Mystic River with Kevin Bacon.

Yeah.

In three.

Suck it.

You know, Lester, I like having a son just to do the chores around the house that I don't want to do.

Not to mention the tax break you get for having a child.

Taxes? I don't pay no damn taxes.

Screw the government.

Well, the government is who took your child away.

See, Lester, this isn't about Ernie.

This is about the government disrespecting you as a man.

You have to stand up to the government, Lester.

Show them who's boss.

I'm getting my son back.

Vegas, right now.

Right now, Vegas.

Who's in? I've I've never been to Las Vegas.

- Let's do it.

- What the hell? We just gotta stop off at my house, grab my black shirt and get some cash from my mom.

There he goes.

Slight break.

Oh, that's crisp.

- What do you think? - Mm, you look Waffle House handsome.

No brunch after church today, ma'am.

I got a hearing to go to.

- Too much? - Mm-mm.

Just right, baby.

Now go get that kid back.

Hey, baby.

You're right on time.

Oh, hey, Lester.

Are all of these gun-toting rednecks coming to the hearing with us? We ain't going to no hearing.

We're going to go to that foster home and get my son back.

- What are you talking about? - I'm doing what you told me to do.

Standing up to the government, showing them who's boss.

And no one's gonna stop me.

[CHEERING] [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] I always found Flip Wilson very funny.

Me too.

You know who else was classy? Ed Bradley.

- Ed Bradley was a class act.

- Mm-hm.

I once became aroused while looking at Halle Berry and her breasts.

Thank you.

Sons of Stoolbend, I'm not gonna lie to you.

Most of you are gonna die today.

I think I left a cake in the oven.

Fair enough.

Now, the rest of us are gonna go in there and show the government that they can't take my son.

- Yeah! - Whoo-hoo! Let's do it! Let's do it! Lester, please.

Remember what Kenny Rogers said before he went into the chicken business and then made himself look like an old woman.

"You don't have to fight to be a man.

" Right, right, right.

Hold up, fellows.

Cleveland and me is gonna try talking to them.

Y'all can wait outside.

- No sodomy.

REDNECKS: Aw! Well, good thing I brought Dancing Dan.

Look at him.

Look at him.

Please return Ernie to his rightful father.

You seem like perfectly lovely people but Nope.

The child is not going back to that house.

I ain't leaving without my son.

[WHISTLES] FOSTER FATHER: Where do you think you're going? You're messing with my livelihood.

That foster kid is money in my pocket.

No! [WHIMPERS] Look, Lester obviously cares enough about Ernie to risk his own life.

- Do I have brains in my hair? - No, you got it.

- Do I? - No.

Uh-uh.

I'm gonna ask you once again to reconsider.

Clearly, Ernie and Lester belong together.

You're risking your life just to get me home? - But I thought you didn't want me home.

- I never said that.

You said you didn't wanna live at home.

I was only saying that because you didn't say you wanted me to come home.

You thought? And I meant? Oh, don't that beat all.

Ha.

Okay, on three, let's say it.

- One, two, three.

- One, two, three.

- I love you.

- Ha.

Wussy.

Well, I have to admit, this new couple seems to have a few issues of their own.

Foster kids, attack.

[YELLING] Tell you what.

How about if I promise to keep an eye on Ernie since I'm just across the street? - All right, fine.

- Ernie can go home.

I'll sign the release.

- Great.

[GUNSHOT] Great.

Hey, Lester, you've got custody.

[CHEERS] We'll take that kid now.

CLEVELAND: Chandel-where? - Chandel-what? Chandel-here.

You've got a gun? You think I'd get in a truck full of rednecks without packing heat? [BOTH CHUCKLE] You know what? You're all right.

I take back all the racist stuff I said about you.

- What racist stuff? - Oh, yeah.

You weren't there.

You [CHUCKLES] I told you.

Look, I left my ID in Virginia.

I'm 32, dawg.

Look at my class ring.

Come on, man.

Please? Hey, Holt.

Holt, man.

You gotta get in here, man.

I think I just made out with Nicky Hilton.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

I don't l I don't know what was in that aspirin that, uh, those Arab guys gave me but that's the best freaking aspirin I've ever had.

Whoo!