Primal

(Grizzly Bear is preparing to watch a video on Everyone's Tube. He opens a bag of animal crackers, pours a glass of soda, turns his fan on, and sits down in his chair. He opens his laptop to watch a video as he eats his animal crackers.)

Grizzly: Lay it on me, sweet internet!

(The video Grizzly wants to watch has an advertisement before it.)

Grizzly: [muffled] Advertisement? Aw, boo.

(Ice Bear walks past Grizzly.)

Grizzly: Oh, hey, do you want to watch the baby sloth video again?

(Ice Bear walks away without replying.)

Grizzly: Is that a no?

(The advertisement begins.)

Narrator: Wednesdays at Nine, do you have what it takes to answer the call of the wild? Badger does! He's been answering that call every day of his life, and has now mastered the art of survival in any terrain! Forrest, desert, tundra, Badger's conquered them all! Drop him into a new territory, and he's like a kid in a dirt and snake-filled candy store!

Grizzly: Wow!

Narrator: He's the real deal, grasping life, kicking and fighting, living the way mother nature intended! Today, most of us are unable to function out of the confine of our comfy, air-conditioned homes! Pathetic!

(Grizzly panics and turns off his fan.)

Narrator: Is this really the fate mother nature intended for us?

(Grizzly turns to see Panda microwaving some dumplings and using his phone.)

Narrator: A normal life may be comfortable and clean, but does it really have what the beauty of nature can offer?

(Grizzly turns to see Ice Bear heating his feet and knitting.)

Badger: The wilderness is my home sweet home. I wasn't born on this earth just to stay alive. I was born to be alive.

Narrator: Badger in the Wild! Will you answer the call?

[Hawk Screech]

(The baby sloth video begins. Grizzly quickly shuts his laptop and looks outside.)

Narrator: Will you answer the call?

[Hawk Screech]

Panda: Hey bro, you want some microwaveable dumplings? They're fresh!

Ice Bear: Ice Bear putting finishing touches on your turtleneck.

Panda: Grizz? Grizz? Is everything okay?

Grizzly: No. Everything is clear.

(Scene cuts to the woods.)

Grizzly: C'mon you slow pokes, the picnic area's this way!

Panda: Grizz, remember, after this you said we could get some froyo.

Ice Bear: (spraying himself with bug spray) Ice Bear needs more bug spray.

Grizzly: Aha! We made it!

Panda: Wait, what do you mean we made it? Where are all the picnic tables and benches?

Grizzly: I'm glad you asked buddy! 'Cause, surprise!

(Grizzly throws a picnic basket off of the cliff, and Panda gasps.)

Grizzly: We're not having a picnic! And we're completely lost!

Panda: Grizz, what the heck, man, I'm gonna starve!

(Ice Bear lifts his arm to reveal a candy bar.)

Ice Bear: Ice Bear comes prepared.

Panda: Ooh!

Grizzly: (Grabs candy bar) Nope, that's cheating! (Throws candy bar off cliff) Away! No more processed snacks for us, gang. We'll be living off the land, just like mother nature intended.

Ice Bear: Ice Bear will never share again, due to gravity.

Panda: Dude, whatever, I'll just use my phone and-

(Panda notices his phone has been replaced by a piece of cardboard, and lets out a long "wha?")

Panda: [nervous laugh] Grizz, where's my phone?

Grizzly: Pan Pan, just look around you, nature provides everything we need.

(Grabs twig off of tree)

Grizzly: Like this twig! It has all the nutrients to help us survive.

(Grizzly eats the twig.)

Grizzly: Mmmm, delicious!

Panda: C'mon Grizz, this isn't funny. Let's just go back home!

Grizzly: Guys, trust me. This is where we're meant to be! Just breathe in that fresh mountain air, would ya?

(Grizzly begins to breathe, then sneezes.)

Ice Bear: Ice Bear will not bless you.

Grizzly: Together, we will follow in the footsteps of our primal ancestors! Face every obstacle that stands between us, and survival!

[Hawk Screech]

Panda: I don't think we're getting out of this.

Ice Bear: Ice Bear will miss yoga today.

Grizzly: So are we men, or are we bears?

Panda and Ice Bear: Bears.

Grizzly: Bears!

(A montage begins of the bears exploring the forest, where they walk through trees, walk across a log, walk through more trees, find a cave, find some butterflies, and then finally come across some wood blocking their path.)

Grizzly: Yes!

Panda: Uh, why is this yes?

Grizzly: Guys, this is nature seeing if we have what it takes to be a part of the wild. Let's prove that nothing can stand in our way because we are-

Panda and Ice Bear: Bears.

(The bears start biting some twigs off of the wood, until Ice Bear bites a twig with Fire Ants on it.)

Ice Bear: Ouch.

Panda: [Panicking] They're on me!

Grizzly: Don't worry guys.

(All three start to scream and panic. They frantically try to get the fire ants off, until Ice Bear accidentally leads everyone off a cliff.)

Panda: There's ants in my mouth!

(The bears land in a lake, and Grizzly stands up.)

Grizzly: Bears win! So, who's hungry?

(Cut to Grizzly searching for food in the lake.)

Grizzly: (Lifts hand out of water to reveal nothing) Ha! Hang tight guys, dinner's coming! I'm gonna grab us some salmon real quick and we'll be good to go!

Panda: [Moans] So hungry.

Grizzly: Water feels great guys, feel free to take a dip!

Panda: Oh, you know what would be awesome right now?

Grizzly: Really feeling alive over here!

Panda and Ice Bear: Lasagna. (Ice Bear and Panda high five.)

Grizzly: [Laughs] Oh yeah, there it is. Aha! (Grizzly picks up a tire.) Nope. (Tosses tire.) Aha! There you are! (Grabs nothing) Yeah, that's definitely not fish.

Panda: If we survive this, I wanna splurge and go to a fancy restaurant. I'm gonna order dumplings, but I want them to make the dumplings really big, like bigger than any dumplings they've made before, so that I can hold it like a baby. Yes! We can stuff one dumpling into another dumpling, and then that dumpling in another dumpling, and then another dumpling, and another! And then I'll eat that dumpling and I'll be the dumpling- [screams] [breathes] keep it together Panda.

(Cut to Grizzly)

Grizzly: Aha! (Grizzly picks up a coat hanger, and tosses it.) Ah! (Grizzly picks up a lamp in his mouth, and drops it.)

[Stomach Growl]

Grizzly: So hungry.

[Bongos are heard in the distance.]

Grizzly: Huh?

(Grizzly finds a group of campers behind the bushes, around a campfire.)

Grizzly: Campers! (Turns to see a bin of food) Oh my gosh, food! [breathes] Okay. I'll just have one bite, and head back into the wild.

(Grizzly rolls behind a tent, and tosses a pinecone.)

Grizzly: Distraction!

(Grizzly rolls behind a car, then behind a rock, then to the bin of food.)

Grizzly: Alright, I only need the tiniest bite to survive. (Begins to eat the food.) Oh! So delicious!

(Cut to Panda and Ice Bear.)

Panda: [Singing] So close, yet so far away! Please, froyo, stay for one more day! One more day of delicious froyo!

(Ice Bear gets a brief glimpse of his paws gaining claws.)

Panda: Please, froyo, don't you you go-yo! You're just too tasty, froyo. [sniffs] Wha?

(Panda gets a glimpse of a frozen yogurt machine.)

Singing Voice: I love you froyo!

Panda: Wa?

(Panda gets a clearer look at the machine.)

Singing Voice: You taste so good!

Panda: (poking Ice Bear) Hey, what's that? Wha? Wha? Froyo! [laughing]

(Ice Bear and Panda hug, and jump up and down.)

Ice Bear: Yes. Yes. Yes.

(The scene changes to show the frozen yogurt machine was a hallucination.)

(Cut to Grizzly, still eating.)

Grizzly: Wait, my bros! I forgot all about them! They must be starving by now!

(A pinecone is thrown at Grizzly.)

Grizzly: Yeah, what's up?

Camper: Hey, you, get away from our food! (Campers throw more pinecones.)

(Grizzly screams, grabs more food, and runs away, only for him to drop the food.)

Grizzly: I'm just trying to be a good brother!

(Grizzly runs out of the camp and into the lake, swimming back to his brothers. Cut to Panda.)

Panda: Ooh! I'm gonna eat it all! Every flavor! [Gasp] Tropical Bamboo Splash! [Gasp]

(Panda attempts to get some, but Ice Bear gets in his way.)

Panda: Hey! No cutsies! (Ice Bear and Panda try to shove each other out of the way.) Back off! (The two growl at each other, and Panda knocks Ice Bear down.) [laughs] (Ice Bear grabs Panda) Oh! So close! (The two continue to fight.)

(Grizzly finds his way back to where the other bears were laying.)

Grizzly: Phew! So, you guys hanging in there? Guys? Pan Pan? Bros? Sorry if I left you alone! Hello?

(A silhouette of a bear walks across the screen.)

Grizzly: Where are you guys? (Grizzly bumps into the back of Panda.) Oh, there you are! I recognize that little tushie anywhere!

(Panda walks out of the bush and growls.)

Grizzly: Whoa man, you don't look so hot!

(Ice Bear lunges out of a bush and attacks Grizzly.)

Ice Bear: [Growls]

(Ice Bear gets attacked by Panda, and the two fight.)

Grizzly: You guys, that's enough. Stop fighting!

(Panda and Ice Bear stop, but turn to Grizzly.)

Grizzly: Uh... (Runs away)

(Grizzly attempts to climb a tree to escape Panda and Ice Bear.)

Grizzly: Get away! Get away!

(Ice Bear and Panda follow him. Near the top of the tree, Grizzly notices a sign for a restaurant, Burger Boy.)

Grizzly: That's it!

(Grizzly slides down the tree and swims across another lake. Ice Bear and Panda follow.)

Grizzly: Brothers! To me!

(Cut to campers around a campfire.)

Camper: And right behind her was a monstrous demon bear!

Grizzly: (Running across the campers) Excuse me, sorry!

Camper: Huh, that wasn't so bad.

(Panda and Ice Bear appear, and scare off the campers.)

Grizzly: No no no no! Hey! No! (Grizzly climbs into a car.) C'mon, now, guys, be good! Be good! (Ice Bear and Panda rattle the car) Oh! Stop that! Please! This isn't our car! (Grizzly starts the car.) No no no no no! Hey! No! Get off! We're moving!

(The car is moving towards a hill.)

Grizzly: No no no no. Guys, guys, please, keep going, we're gonna- [screams]

(The car barrels down the hill.)

Grizzly: Get off! (Notices Burger Boy sign) We're almost there! [screams]

(Panda and Ice Bear enter the car.)

Grizzly: Hey! No backseat driving!

(The car becomes airborne as Grizzly screams in slow motion and buckles himself, then the car lands, and barrels towards Burger Boy.)

Burger Boy Worker: Welcome to Burger Boy. May I take your order.

[growl]

Burger Boy Worker: Okay, so I got one Veggie Boy Burger, one Fish Boy Sandwich with extra mayo, and one Double Meaty Patty Boy, will that be all for you today?

[growl]

Burger Boy Worker: $16.34, second window.

Grizzly: (Drives up) Thank you for the fast service, ma'am! (Gives money, takes food, drives away to park.)

Burger Boy Worker: Welcome to Burger Boy-

(Cut to Parking Lot. Ice Bear and Panda are no longer hostile, eating their meals peacefully.)

Panda: Man, Burger Boy always puts the perfect amount of salt in their sweet potato fries.

Grizzly: Hey, so, uh, you guys feeling okay? All good?

Panda: What are you talking about? (Turns to Ice Bear) Do you know what he's talking about?

(Ice Bear lifts his shoulders, signaling a "I don't know.")

Grizzly: Bros, I'm sorry I tried to turn us into something that we're not. Now let's get back to our version of the wild, where fish come in stick form and there are froyo cups as far as the eye can see!

Ice Bear: Ice Bear is okay with this.

Grizzly: Yeah, I'm just gonna have one fry Pan-

Panda: [growls] Excuse me.

Grizzly: [laughs] I love you guys.

(The camera zooms out to show a note on the car, saying "Sorry! -Grizz")