Clams

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Clams" from season 3, which aired on September 20, 2002.

Plot
Sandals: Uhh, what do you like better? The coral bits or the nacho oyster skins?

Squidward: I like neither. Can I take your order?

Sandals: What about the barnacle rings, are they any good?

Squidward: No. What will you have?

Sandals: Well, uhh, what’s your vote on the kelp...

Squidward: Sir, let’s just get this out of the way, I hate everything on the menu! So what do you want?

SpongeBob: (pokes his head out from behind the kitchen window) Psst, try the coral bits.

Sandals: Uhh, I’ll try the coral bits.

Squidward: That will be one dollar. (rings up one dollar then a siren goes off)

Sandals: What’s going on?

Squidward: Something stupid, I’m sure. (alarm stops as a curtain opens up to show a real band in the background playing music. Mr. Krabs comes out from his office)

Mr. Krabs: Yippee! (kisses Sandals and Squidward. Takes the dollar and rubs it all over himself) Whoo-ha! Whoo-ha!

Squidward: See? I told you.

SpongeBob: What’s wrong with Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: (runs over to the counter) Nothing, lad! Do you know what this is?

Squidward: A very dirty dollar?

Mr. Krabs: No, this is my one millionth dollar earned! Every crab’s goal in life is to make a million dollars, and now I got mine! Congratulations, sir! You have just given me my one millionth dollar!

Sandals: Ha, great! Uhh, what do I win?

Mr. Krabs: Nothing, now get out!

Sandals: Uhh, what?

Mr. Krabs: Out! Everybody get out, you’re spoiling me moment! (pushes everyone out the door) Me millionth dollar!

SpongeBob: Congratulations, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Congratulate yourselves, lad! A captain’s nothing without his loyal crew! I mean, a crew like you comes around maybe once in a lifetime! And to reward you for making me millionth dollar, I’m taking you on a trip.

SpongeBob: Wow, a trip! Squidward: I can’t believe it, Mr. Krabs! Where we going, Fancy Springs? (scene cuts to the three of them in a pool)

Mr. Krabs: No.

Squidward: Pamper Island? (scene cuts to the three of them laying on towels at a beach)

Mr. Krabs: Try again.

Squidward: Ooh, ooh, ooh, Bikini Bottom Folk Village? (scene cuts to the three of them in 18th century clothing)

Mr. Krabs: Better than that! (scene cuts to them wearing raincoats on a boat)

Squidward: Clam fishing? This is the reward we get for all our hard work? Fishing for stinky clams on a smelly old boat on a filthy lagoon? You call this fun?

Mr. Krabs: Aww, come on now, Squidward. Three fellas at sea with nothing to do but throw their lines in the water, catch a few clams then throw them back. Don’t you think that’s fun?

Squidward: No. (takes off his raincoat and sits on his chair) And to think I could be wearing a powdered wig right now. SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, you want me to cast out over here so you can watch me?

Squidward: How about you cast out over there so I can ignore you?

SpongeBob: Ok! (SpongeBob casts his line behind him which catches on Squidward’s magazine. SpongeBob brins his line forward and casts it in the lagoon. SpongeBob casts Squidward's chair) Hey, watch where you're swinging that... (SpongeBob casts Squidward's shirt out in the lagoon) SpongeBob, be careful with... AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!(SpongeBob casts Squidward's nose into the lagoon. Squidward screams then walks up to Mr. Krabs)

Squidward: Ok, I’ve had enough.

Mr. Krabs: (laughs) Oh Squidward, you got to lighten up. (SpongeBob is still casting out items while Mr. Krabs talks to Squidward) Sure the lad’s a bit over eager, but you've got to learn to roll with the punches, go with the flow. And don’t bring anything on a boat that you ain’t prepared to lose! (laughs. SpongeBob casts Mr. Krabs millionth dollar into the lagoon) Me millionth dollar! SpongeBob, wait! SpongeBob, you hooked me millionth dollar on the back swing! Reel it in before I keelhaul you! (music plays) Oh no. SpongeBob, quick, reel it in! Can’t you hear the music? That’s a 4/4 string ostinato in D minor! Every sailor knows that means death! Reel it in before it’s too late! Hurry, SpongeBob. the music’s getting faster! (SpongeBob reels it in as fast as he can. Mr. Krabs opens the doors to the orchestra) There you are ya stinkin' bilge rats. Stop playing that music! Stop it, please! I'm begging ya! Come on, honey, you can make it. Swim faster! Come to me, baby! Come on back! Hurry, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Here she comes...She made it!

Mr. Krabs: (holds up the dollar and cheers) For a second or two, I thought she was a goner! (ominous orchestra music plays again. A giant clam jumps up and takes Mr. Krabs dollar)

Squidward: So, some trip, eh, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Oh, Squidward, you’re never gonna believe it! A giant blue-lipped clam ate me millionth dollar! (bawling) I lost me dollar and I’ll never get it back! Never, never, never, never, never...

SpongeBob: I’ve never seen Mr. Krabs so broken up. (Mr. Krabs is in pieces, crying)

Squidward: Oh, please, he's such a drama queen. C'mon, Mr. Krabs, drop the act. (Mr. Krabs is blubbering) Mr. Krabs, it's just a stupid dollar. (continues blubbering. Mr. Krabs pours tears into his mouth) For pete's sake, Mr. Krabs, suck it up! (Mr. Krabs’ eyes fill up then leak out tears like water faucets) Mr. Krabs... (Mr. Krabs is stil wailing) Ok, ok, Mr. Krabs, we’ll help you get your dollar back! (Mr. Krabs throws his thumb away that he was sucking on)

Mr. Krabs: You will? Great! Wait right here. (runs off to get some items. Comes back with a bunch of fishing gear on) Here’s where clam fishing gets serious! (scene cuts to later in the day where Mr. Krabs is on top of the boat and SpongeBob and Squidward are on the lower deck) Ok, you boys man the fishing poles and I’ll keep me eyes peeled for Old Blue Lip.

SpongeBob: (salutes) Aye aye, captain!

Mr. Krabs: And remember, we don’t leave until we catch that clam and rescue me dollar. (Mr. Krabs scouts the area. Scene cuts to later where Mr. Krabs has a beard on from scouting for too long. Squidward and SpongeBob looks the same as Mr. Krabs)

Squidward: That’s it, I’m finished! We’ve been here for three days and haven’t gotten a nibble. This is hopeless!

SpongeBob: Yeah, and I’ve got to get home to feed Gary. (scene cuts to Gary chewing the couch at home)

Squidward: We’re gonna die out here just because a clam ate Mr. Krabs' stupid dollar. (takes a dollar out of his wallet) Well, if he wants his dollar back, I say we give it to him. Know what I mean? Huh? Huh? Huh? SpongeBob: Oh, I get you. (jabbers. Scene cuts to later in the day where Mr. Krabs is still scouting the area)

SpongeBob & Squidward: Oh, Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! (Mr. Krabs steers his eyes toward the other two to see them waving a dollar) Look what we’ve got!

Mr. Krabs: (jumps down and gasps) Could it be? (takes the dollar) Me millionth dollar? (starts cheering again as well as SpongeBob and Squidward) Whoo-hoo! (stops dancing) Wait a minute... (rubs the dollar back and forth) This isn't me millionth dollar. (SpongeBob and Squidward look at each other) This is an ordinary dollar that’s been crumpled up, torn slightly, soaked in the lagoon, and kissed with Coral Blue #2 Semi-Gloss Lipstick. (shows dollar bill just like described)

SpongeBob: Actually, it’s Coral Blue number t... (Squidward hits him with a stick) Mr. Krabs: I trusted you, and you gave me this? I can’t believe me own crew would betray me like this. (cries)

Squidward: No. Uh-uh. No, we will not be swayed by tears anymore.

Mr. Krabs: I see. Then I guess I have no choice but to offer a reward.

Squidward: You’re kidding?

SpongeBob: Woo! Is it another fishing trip?

Mr. Krabs: No, it’s this sandwich. (nails the sandwich to a pole)

Squidward: A sandwich? You expect me to break my back over a sandwich?

Mr. Krabs: Not a sandwich. (throws the other sandwiches into the water) The sandwich.

Squidward: Whatever. We’ve got plenty more to... (Mr. Krabs throws the refrigerator into the water) ...eat. Mr. Krabs: Now, I think we understand each other. Nobody eats until I get my millionth dollar back.

Squidward: Uhh, SpongeBob, can I have a word with you? Have you noticed that Mr. Krabs has gone completely insane?!

SpongeBob: What do you mean?

Squidward: Just look at him. (pointing to Mr. Krabs, who is dressed like he is at a funeral crying at a tombstone with the words 'R.I.P. Me Millionth Dollar' on it. He then hugs it)

SpongeBob: Squidward, he’s lost something near and dear to him. Haven’t you...

Squidward: Look again. (Mr. Krabs uses his eyes as a jump rope while giggling)

SpongeBob: You’re right. How do we get out of here?

Squidward: If we’re real quiet, we can sneak over to the lifeboat.

SpongeBob: Ok. (both scream over to the boat. They jump into it but then come back onto the boat tied up)

Mr. Krabs: So, you thought you’d skip out on old Krabs, did ya? Even after you promised to help me. I know what you’re thinking. "It’s just a dump old dollar. Let’s just leave the old man. He won’t notice." (cries) Well, it’s not going down like that. There’s only one use for a backstabbing crew like you: (scene cuts to Mr. Krabs hanging his line over the boat. SpongeBob and Squidward are attached to the line) live bait.

Squidward: You’re crazy. If that clam didn’t come before, what makes you think he’ll come now?

Mr. Krabs: (dressed up as a conductor) Oh, he’ll come. (opens up the doors to the orchestra and begins to play the ominous music)

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, listen, I work with SpongeBob all day long, so I know what I’m talking about when I say...you are completely out of your mind! (Mr. Krabs cackles. The giant clam emerges above water coming closer to the two on the line) Get us out of here!

Mr. Krabs: Come on, fresh meat! (SpongeBob and Squidward scream as they try to wiggle back and forth to avoid the giant clam) Keep thrashing! He likes it! (both continue to scream and bounce up and down really fast) Come on, boy! Closer. Closer. Almost there. (giant clam shows the dollar on its tongue) That’s it! (closes the doors to cause the music to stop. The giant clam stops in mid-air and Mr. Krabs jumps inside it to take the dollar) Aha! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Look, boys, I finally got it! (rubs his dollar on himself) I finally got me millionth dollar. (cabin doors open to play the ominous music again. The giant clam closes its mouth, with Mr. Krabs inside, and goes underwater. Cabin doors close as the conductor takes a bow)

SpongeBob: Oh, poor Mr. Krabs. Gone forever out of our lives. Why couldn’t it have been me?!

Squidward: Yes, why couldn’t it have been you?! (both cry)

SpongeBob: Why did he have to go like this?! Why?

Squidward: Why did he have to go like this and leave me tied to this idiot?! (both cry loudly)

Mr. Krabs: Hello, boys!

SpongeBob & Squidward: Mr. Krabs? (Mr. Krabs' head is above the water)

Mr. Krabs: Have you boys met... (holds his millionth dollar up) ...me millionth dollar? (chuckles)

SpongeBob: Wow, how did you get it back?

Mr. Krabs: It wasn’t easy. Old Blue Lips is quite the fighter. So, eventually, we settled on a trade.

SpongeBob: What did you give him? (Mr. Krabs jumps up on the boat, revealing himself as only having a head and an arm)

Mr. Krabs: Nothing important. (laughs)

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