Tropic Thunder

TROPIC THUNDER

Written by

Ethan Cohen, Ben Stiller & Justin Theroux

ON THE MOVIE SCREEN BLACK. The movie has not started yet. After the last real trailer plays in the theater, we see THE UNIVERSAL LOGO. The globe stops rotating, and STARTS TO BROWN AND CRACK.

VOLCANOES ERUPT ON IT...

ACTION TRAILER ANNOUNCER In a world where only one man made a         difference... "n 1a%

AND WE ZOOM ALL THE WAY IN TO,.. A POST APOCALYPTIC FIERY TUNDRA... AND ONE MAN...who walks across it, looking cool, shirtless, pumped, with shades on, holding a BABY in one arm and a FLAMETHROWER in the other. . .this is international superstar CHRIS MICHAEL SPEEDMAN... there is a GIANT explosion behind him... he doesn't even flinch...

ACTION TRAILER ANNOUNCER The one man who made a difference... is         about to make a difference... Again...          BLACK... then Speedman, again shirtless, is on an ICEBERG and an AVALANCHE is thundering behind him. This time he         has a SET OF TWINS AND A FLAMETHROWER.

ACTION TRAILER ANNOUNCER Chris Michael Speedman...IS Deke Cogan...

A TITLE BURNS ACROSS THE SCREEN..

ACTION TRAILER ANNOUNCER

SCORCHER 3: GLOBAL MELTDOWN

TITLE FLIES AWAY FOLLOWED BY: SUMMER 2008 BLACK, then... "         The NEW LINE LOGO over the stately POMP AND

CIRCUMSTANCE...

COMEDY TRAILER ANNOUNCER This summer, the halls of academia are about to get a lesson in...

INT. BOARDING SCHOOL

TRACK ACROSS a bunch of CUTE TEN YEAR OLD SCHOOLBOYS sitting at a dining hall table until we get to .JEFF

PORTNOY, 35, GROSS OUT COMEDY STAR.

Tropic Thunder 2. He has red hair, cut in a page-boy style and is dressed in a school boy uniform which is way too small.

COMEDY TRAILER ANNOUNCER .Comedy! From America's favorite fat guy... uhh...fat KID...

HE RIPS A GIANT FART. THE MUSIC NIPEDLE SCRATCHES TO

"LOUIE LOUIE"...         An ANGRY HEADMASTER SCOWLS. THE BOYS CRACK UP.

16,

COMEDY TRAILER ANNOUNCER Jeff Portnoy is having...

PORTNOY

(YELLING ON THE TABLE)

DOODYFOR DINNER!!!

A GIANT FOOD FIGHT ENSUES AS THE TITLE "DOODY.FOR

DINNER" FLIES ON..

COMEDY TRAILER ANNOUNCER This summer, lunch is on him!

A PLATE OF SPAGHETTI IS DUMPED ON HIS.HEAD..

BLACK The FOX SEARCHLIGHT LOGO comes up. AN EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL JAMES HORNER TYPE,SCORE PLAYS... i

EXT. A BEAUTIFUL 400 YEAR.OLD IRISH VICARAGE

It is an Oscar winning shot at dawn of a brooding handsome priest in a monk's robe walking towards the church. This is KIRK LAZARUS, who has the intensity of a         Daniel Day Lewis and the seriousness of a Sean Penn...

OSCAR WINNING MOVIE

TRAILER ANNOUNCER In a time where to be different was to be         condemned... and to be condemned was to         die...

INT. CHURCH

Lazarus is. lighting the rosary candles... he glances over at another YOUNG PRIEST, who gives him a smoldering look. . .Lazarus turns away, tortured...

, Tropic Thunder 3.

OSCAR WINNING MOVIE

TRAILER ANNOUNCER .one man chose to question his God... Lazarus screams angrily at crucifix on the wall:

LAZARUS (Irish brogue) You made me! Why can't you... UNMAKE ME!'

THESE TITLES COME UP ON THE SCREEN AS THE ANNOUNCER

SPEAKS:

OSCAR WINNING MOVIE

TRAILER ANNOUNCER Winner of the Palm D'or, The Golden Bear, The Laughing Monkey and over 350 film critics' '10 BEST' picture lists, and hailed by Roger Ebert as "A MASTERPIECE

THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL EMOTIONS YOU NEVER KNEW YOU HAD"... Three time Oscar         Winner Kirk Lazarus, in two time Oscar          winning director Clint Eastwood's          boldest film... "SATAN'S ALLEY".          THE TITLE HOLDS... then BLACK.          Now, finally, the movie starts. We see The DREAMWORKS          LOGO... Which has no music under it... only the low          pitched SWOOSHING OF A CHOPPER BLADE...

BLACK The thumping blade gets LOUDER AND LOUDER, the BASS LINE of "BREAK ON THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE" rising with it         until finally...

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. VIETNAM -- DAY

A HUEY COBRA in slow motion, crests an impossibly beautiful jungle ridge, flying low and straight at us.

INSIDE THE COBRA A GUNNER sprays fire down at unseen anti-aircraft. All that can be see on the ground are whizzing TRACERS flying up at the chopper.

"Tropic Thunder 4.         The chopper skims the treetops heading toward a hot LZ...

EXT.,, HOT LZ -- DAY

As the Cobra comes in hard, about TWENTY INFANTRYMEN are emerging from the tree-line, in a chaotic fire fight with twice as many VC SOLDIERS. As the. chopper tries to land, the gunner tosses a couple of grenades behind the Americans, sending about ten VC         flying. But the bulk of the platoon is getting GUNNED DOWN by the enemy. A. heavy set grunt, FATS, looking like he is in great pain, is'running full speed for the chopper, taking fire from all over. Fats looks a 'lot like JEFF PORTNOY, star of ."Doody For         Dinner". BROOKLYN, an.18 year-old cherry from Brooklyn, is also on         the move, towards the.chopper...Clutching his thick black glasses, and a. map, and triangulating coordinates, he' is         frantically trying to call in an air strike on his radio backpack. A GRENADE EXPLODES ten feet away knocking him on his ass. He gets up, shaken, just in time to be BAYONETED. through the stomach by a VC SOLDIER... The VC soldier turns around just in time to be machine- gunned down-5y MOTOWN who has all sorts of stomizd shit" on his fatigues, an ace of spades in his helmet,         along with some graffiti scrawl that reads "and God spoke" including cut-off sleeves that reveal his         impressive pipes. He, is a 'bad muthaf.ucka.

MOTOWN That's for Brooklyn, Muthafucka! Underneath the hovering chopper, OSIRIS,a black, buffed out Rambo-looking Sergeant, is letting loose his M-16 with abandon, yelling at the pilot to get the bird lower. It does. Fats grabs. the mortally wounded Brooklyn and slings him over his shoulder, Brooklyn's shirt is blown open revealing his entrails...in shock, he clutches his liver in his right hand, and is trying futilely to put it back in his body...

Tropic Thunder 5. FATS heaves Brooklyn onto the floor of the still-airborne chopper just as it gets low enough, and returns to         firing. He unleashes a hailstorm of lead at the approaching VC...

OSIRIS

FATS! GET YOUR ASS ON THIS CHOPPER NOW!

LET'S MOVE!

4 41         FATS ignores him and continueb firing. MOTOWN comes running up to the chopper...

OSIRIS (CONT'D)

YOU TOO, MOTOWNI

MOTOWN (to Osiris) SIR! Requesting permission to disobey Sergeant's orders, SIR! FOUR LEAF IS

STILL OUTSIDE THE PERIMETER AND

UNACCOUNTED FOR!

OSIRIS

MOTOWN! GET YOUR DETROIT JUKE BOX JHERI

CURL IN THIS CHICKENSHIT CHOPPER ASAP.

THAT GOES FOR YOUR FAT ASS TOO, FATS!

MOTOWN

SIR! FUCK YOU SIR! WE DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT

FOUR LEAF, SIR!

OSIRIS

THAT'S JUST HOW BOOKS GOT HIS JEW ASS

KILLED AND MEATBALL'S WOP ASS BOUGHT THE

SIX BY THREE FARM! YOU GET ON THIS BIRD,

PRIVATE!

CHOPPER PILOT Sir! We gotta DIDI NOW! Air strike confirmed! This place is gonna be toast in about thirty seconds! Osiris turns on Motown, pulling his .45 in the midst of          the mayhem. He pushes it up into Motown's neck.

OSIRIS

FOUR LEAF IS DEAD MEAT, SOLDIER! AND YOU

GOT ZERO 0' HUNDRED HOURS TO GET YOUR ASS

ON THIS CHOPPER BEFORE YOU JOIN HIM! Osiris, standing on the skid, motions for the chopper pilot to take off.

Tropic Thunder 6. Motown looks to Fats,:then reluctantly jumps on the chopper...It begins to hover...

OSIRIS(CONT'D)

FATS! YOU GET ON THIS BIRD NOW! YOU HEAR

ME YOU MUTANT MOTHER--

BROOKLYN A 1, I qft (a soft whisper) I Id         Sarge... .We PUSH IN ON BROOKLYN dramatically as he raises his head. Looking off to the tree line, he points a crooked finger...

BROOKLYN It's him. It's Four Leaf...         Everyone turns to-see... FOUR LEAF, who looks a lot like CHRIS MICHAEL SPEEDMAN from the "Scorcher" trailer,. burst through the treeline, half limping, half crawling heroically through the massive firefight in SLOW MOTION. He is being chased.by about-FIFTY _VIET...CONG SOLDIERS...         Everyone on board seems mesmerized. Osiris sees it, and can't believe his eyes... nevertheless, he screams to the pilot. I

OSIRIS

GO! GO! Fats, still on the ground, in defiance of Osiris, grabs the chopper's runner, and in a superhuman show of         strength, OR IS IT WEIGHT, holds it with-all-his might, preventing it from flying away. The pilot struggles with the controls, as Fats continues his barrage of bullets with his machine gun arm, providing weak cover for Four Leaf. The chopper is now gaining momentum, and pulls Fats about ten feet-off-the ground. He is, about to lose his battle with the helicopter. Four Leaf, riddled with bullets, and delirious, is         fighting a losing battle to gain ground... He doesn't         even have a gun...

Tropic Thunder 7. Osiris looks at the dejected faces of his men, then at         Fats... a flash of anger and compassion comes over his face.. .         FOUR"LEAF, Christ-like and arms extended, sinks to his          knees, his body now absorbing unbelievable amounts of          lead...

OSIRIS

I HOPE YOU FAGGOTS LIKE HAMBURGER BECAUSE

THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M GONNA BE

BRINGING BACK TO THIS BIRD.. .COVER ME! Weak smiles flicker across the face of the men as they do         just that... unleashing lead all around Osiris as he jumps out of the chopper like an Apache warrior. Fats drops off the runner of the chopper, shooting his machine gun in cool SLO MO. Screaming a war cry, Osiris makes a beeline for Four Leaf. Dancing between the raindrops, he dodges tracer fire ... Osiris finally makes it and kneels beside Four Leaf, cradling his head. Four Leaf's eyes are glassy, and his body and arms are ripped open all over like a rag doll.

FOUR LEAF Get outta here. I'm worm food, man, you dig?

OSIRIS (beginning to cry) What, and give up all that California pussy you been talking about? Shiiit. Someone's gotta show me around L.A...

FOUR LEAF (cracking a bloody smile) Shit. . .the only way you're gonna get a         piece of LA pussy if is you go out to the graveyard and dig some up...         Osiris looks down at Four Leaf's now missing arms...

OSIRIS Well ...y...you better come along and bring the shovel...         He starts to choke up.

Tropic Thunder 8.

FOUR LEAF I'm scared,. Sarge. 'Scared I ain't never gonna see another sunset. (long philosophical beat) Why does a man want to pick up sticks against another man... 'Stead of usin' them sticks. to prop a man up? Osiris nods, now crying like a baby... ï¿½4Id Iu I. Igft

OSIRIS'

DON'T YOU DIE ON ME FOUR LEAF... .THAT'S AN

ORDER!!!

FOUR LEAF (beginning to fade) Hold my hands... 'cause I got somethin' to say...         Osiris looks down.at Four. Leaf's bloody, stringy stumps. There's nothing to hold...

FOUR LEAF Are, you holding them?

OSIRIS_

(WEEPING) Oh, I'm holding them..

FOUR LEAF I ain't never been worth a. nothin' in         this life, and it's kinda late to start b e i' a somethin' now. But you... you are my... b-b-brother. Four Leaf screws.up.his .face and begins to cry--except that he can't. He tries again... and can't.. Hescrews up his face grotesquely...

FOUR LEAF You are my... WE NOW PULL BACK TO REVEAL we are actually on location shooting this war scene with about 50 CREW MEMBERS watching, surrounded by millions of dollars worth of film equipment. Four Leaf, actually the superstar. playing him, Speedman, is getting increasingly self-conscious, becoming more and. more aware of the-crew waiting for him to cry. The actor playing Osiris, KIRK LAZARUS, is also getting uncomfortable holding Speedman's not-crying head.

,, Tropic Thunder 9.

(YES, LAZARUS WAS WHITE AND IRISH IN THE SATAN'S ALLEY         TRAILER, now he is AFRICAN AMERICAN and speaks with an          American accent-- IT WILL BE EXPLAINED SOON!) The person perhaps most upset about it all is the skinny' young British director, DAMIEN DORFMAN. Coiled at the monitor and covered in bug bites and sunblock, wet towels around his neck, and clearly not made for jungle life.. .he' mouths the words "you are my brothers..'." as         if trying to will the tears from Speedman's dry eyes.

SPEEDMAN (breaking character) I'm sorry, can we cut, Damien? Damien grips his headphones in confusion, looking around to his cadre of assistants and ADs... The chopper continues to hover, soldiers continue to         fight, except a few are starting to wonder what's going on.

SPEEDMAN CUT! We gotta cut, Dorf!

DAMIEN

(CONFUSED) What? What did he say? (to 1st AD) Play it through! Still rolling! Now the extras have stopped fighting -- except for a few way far back.

1ST AD         Play it through! Still rolling!

SPEEDMAN No! Not still rolling! Cut! Damien runs towards Speedman. Fats, who is young fat comedy gross-out star JEFF PORTNOY, gets up from the ground, rubbing his butt.

PORTNOY OW, SHIT! I fell right on my ass bone! Other "dead" extras begin to hold their heads up and look around. Some are amputee stuntmen.

11         Tropic Thunder 10.

1ST AD         (into megaphone) Damien? Are we cutting? 1st AD jumps off the scaffold, running towards the director. Tekkies scurry around, lots of confusion. Are they cut, or what? Brooklyn,'.played by the not-famous KEVIN SANDUSKY,Ihold s         his bloody "liver" up to hand off to someone.

SANDUSKY: Mr. Dorfman? Are we cutting sir? Cause .I         think they put w ay too much blood in my          liver again.

DAMIEN STILL ROLLING! Get down Kevin, you're         dead! Sandusky immediately complies, he seems to be the only actor listening to the director.

SPEEDMAN I'm sorry.. I can't do it, Dorff. Damien runs up to Speedman. They are the center of         attention -- the whole crew watching them.

DAMIEN It's good, keep going. This is a big shot so keep going, let it come. No arms, you're hanging on, it's-al-1-coming out... It's real, death, life, brotherhood and we just... let's keep it going now... He starts to back out, turning his finger in the "still         rolling" motion. He gives a thumbs up to the AD.

SPECIAL EFFECTS PYRO CONTROL TOWER CODY, the GRIZZLED LOOKING PYROTECHNIC EFFECTS.GUY, paces in an elaborate tower rigged with EFX detonation equipment. He is surrounded by a throng of local ASIAN TECHNICIANS who all hold various types of buttons, and detonators. He punches buttons, and surveys the chaos, trying to         figure out what's going on.

CODY Is that the signal?

Tropic Thunder 11. The assistant doesn't appear to,understand English. He         shrugs. Frustrated, Cody rips out an earpiece.

CODY

DAMIEN! IS THAT THE SIGNAL?

BACK ON THE ACTORS 'IYd "'         Damien has his hands full with Speedman.

SPEEDMAN (above the din of the

CHOPPER)         Dorf! Seriously, I think we should cut.          I mean, Should Osiris be crying too?          Maybe he shouldn't cry if I'm crying...          Lazarus abruptly drops Speedman from his arms and gets          up, shaking his head.

LAZARUS I'm sorry, so, just keep crying or are'we         cutting??

DAMIEN No, no, it's good. Portnoy is walking around massaging his butt.

PORTNOY Damien, I think I broke my ass. Is it         possible to break your ass?

DAMIEN Get back in character Portnoy! Still rolling everyone! (to Lazarus) Great crying Kirk -- stay with that. Chris Michael, don't worry about where Kirk is at, just be Four Leaf crying right here and now and still rolling... and GO!

SPECIAL EFFECTS PYRO COMMAND AREA Cody's crew buzzes around him in a countdown to         Armageddon...

CODY Did he say "go"? (loud into walkie)

(MORE)

Tropic Thunder 12. CODY,(cont,'d)

DAMIEN, ARE WE GO FOR EXPLOSION? BECAUSE

WE GOT ABOUT THIRTY MORE SECONDS TO

DECIDE IF--

BACK ON'THE ACTORS The 1st A.D. tries to.get Damien to pay attention to         Cody, but he is too focused on getting Speedman to cry. I III I. 11h."

'111         Lazarus gets back in position. He effortlessly turns.the waterworks back on, sobbing like .,a broken man. Speedman .starts to get back into position and then :--

SPEEDMAN Wait, hey, y'know, maybe- is it the line? "You are my brothers"? I don't         think I would.say that. Four Leaf wouldn't say that.

DAMIEN Yes, well-you see, Four Leaf was there and he did say that. So...         Right. So let's just go...

SPEEDMAN Is he here, or is he-'at the.hotel? Because I would love to run it by him.

1ST AD         Damien! The chopper! I got to let them go! We,need to pull the plug on the treeline burst if you're cutting!

LAZARUS You know what, this is nuts. You got my         take. I'm done. (to Speedman) Movie star. We'll be here till Chinese New Year waitin.' for my man to. cry.

DAMIEN Kirk! Wait! Lazarus keeps walking.

DAMIEN Kirk!

LAZARUS .You got my take.

,I Tropic Thunder 13.

Â–º" )         A CELL PHONE RINGS -- A HIP HOP RING TONE. MOTOWN, who is          played by rap superstar and budding media mogul          REDYKULOUS, pulls the phone out and checks his text          message.

REDYKULOUS Hey, can we get this going? I got peeps coming to my room to rub me down at 4. Bitches, too. His phone rings again.

REDYKULOUS (into phone) Hey! What's up! Naw, nothing -- same soup, just re-heated, you know? Redykulous wanders off in another direction. The AD is         now yelling into Damien's ear.

DAMIEN (losing it) EVERYONE! Please! The chopper only has so         much gas! PORTNOY, trying to lighten the mood, rips a huge FART.

PORTNOY Plenty of gas right here, D-man! (then feeling the pain in his

BUTT)

OWW1

REDYKULOUS Hey, yo! I am trying to have a         conversation here!

DAMIEN Okay, fine! Fuck me! What the fuck do I         know? I'm just the fucking... (inarticulate snarl) Godfuckit! Damien throws his headphones off in frustration... and throws up his hands.

SPECIAL EFFECTS TOWER Cody, sees Damien throw up his hands.

11         Tropic Thunder 14.

CODY There's the signal! GO! GO! GO! Let's         light this puppy up! Let's go freaking 11 TET here!! i         Cody and his assistants push plungers, buttons, pull levers, and drag metal wands over long lines of wired nails, they spark and fizz...

WIDE SHOT' Damien is-still throwing his fit when...

AN EXPLOSION TURNS THE ENTIRE TREE LINE INTO ACURTAIN OF

FLAMES.

ON CODY climaxing with joy as he barks commands and pushes ever more buttons..

THE BLAST blows the helicopter backwards into a bank of lights,' causing them to tip.and-begin a GIGANTIC CHAIN REACTION that takes down most of the equipment, then finally THE

TOWER WITH CODY AND HIS ASSISTANTS! Men jump like fleas. Cody lands on his back, in pain, .which he seems to like.

CODY

(1 T)         That was good for me. Damien's mouth hangs open in shock. There is a strange quiet on the set.

DAMIEN

(WHISPERING) .Did we get that on film? The cameraman turns to the AD and then back to Damien, looking a bit scared.

CAMERAMAN Sorry, Damien.'Chris Michael was saying to cut, so we cut-- The AD comes up to the lost looking Damien.

Tropic Thunder 15.

1ST AD         (to Damien) I'm gonna have to call it, Damien. Damien is silent, stunned.

1ST AD         (into megaphone) Okay, that's a wrap for'today. If you are !IN injured, please find the set medic. Speedman, looking as if he had nothing to do with what just happened, walks toward Damien.

SPEEDMAN I think I got another in me if you want to go again, Damien. Damien looks at the scorched treeline behind them. Speedman looks too, then looks back at Damien.

SPEEDMAN Your call. In the background, Cody is casually putting out a fire on         his lap. He gives an 'I'm O.K.' gesture to no one in         particular.

CUT TO: El TELEVISION OPENING GRAPHICS After a flashy montage, JULIE MORAN, the cute El News Daily reporter, walks through the Tropic Thunder set in a         halter top, talking to camera:

JULIE Well, it might look like 1969 here in the tiny Southeast Asian country of Bien Den Phu, but it is 2007, and they are making history. We are here with an E!         exclusive, the first look behind the scenes at what Hollywood insiders are calling the most expensive war movie ever produced. It's called "Tropic Thunder", and first time Director Damien Dorfman has assembled an all-star cast to play the forgotten grunts who perished near here more than 35 years ago.

(MORE)

Tropic Thunder 16. JULIE (cont'd)         Heading up the ensemble, the highest grossing action star of all time, Chris Michael Speedman... d I

VARIOUS SHOTS OF SPEEDMAN AT PREMIERES, PRESS CONFERENCES

JULIE. But the last few films have-not "blown         up" for Speedntan as he's struggled to          broaden his range as an.-actor.. First, an         attempt to change gears with a comedy...

INT. BANK - SCENE FROM "CHITLIN AND THE DUDE"

Speedman'and Martin Lawrence, both with guns, are holding up a bank -- Speedman in drag. They yell at each other in that uptight-white-guy/loose-cannon-black-guy action comedy style.

JULIE (V:O.) The disappointing "CHITLIN AND THE DUDE", was followed.with last year's failed venture into serious dramatic territory...

EXT. PONY FARM - SCENE FROM "SIMPLE JACK" - DAY

He holds a pony_by the reins as he "talks" to it by rubbing his nose on the pony's neck.

JULIE (V.0.) ."Simple Jack", the story-of a mentally impaired farm hand who can "talk" to         animals was a box office disaster that many critics called one of the worst movies of all time.

SPEEDMAN (as Simple Jack) You mu-mu-muhhh make me'ha-aaaapy.

Tropic Thunder 17.

EXT. TROPIC THUNDER SET -- DAY

JULIE (to camera) But now, the question is can Speedman "mu-         mu-make" audiences happy in the true life story of war hero Four Leaf Tayback in         "Tropic Thunder". And,' possibly a shot â€ž 1. -4416         at that elusive gold statuette?

EXT. TROPIC THUNDER SET -- DAY

Julie sits with Speedman. With them is the real FOUR LEAF, a stoic, grizzled man of few words.

SPEEDMAN (very serious) All I want is to make the real Four Leaf here proud. It's his story, he lived it         and wrote it in his book. That's why we're here. But really, I mean, how cah we begin to understand what he-- what you --went through? Four Leaf fixes his stoic, steely gaze on the horizon for a beat. He lifts his hands up, and we see he has only two HOOKS. Speedman studies him closely, aping his gestures, trying to "get inside" him as much as possible.

FOUR LEAF

(MYSTICAL) When I lost these... (holds his hooks up) It was as if I saw through these for the first time..'. (indicates his eyes) And it was only then that I really began to use these... (indicates his ears)

SPEEDMAN That's great. He's like a... Buddha or         something. Maybe I should rub his belly for luck! He laughs, but quickly realizes Four Leaf doesn't find it         funny.

,Tropic Thunder 18.

JULIE (to Speedman) Like for a lucky Oscar nod this time? Maybe you should rub Kirk Lazarus's         belly! He already has three! Speedman laughs uncomfortably, trying to seem unperturbed. i          "I' 0, nM y

L

CUT TO:

A SERIES OF SHOTS OF KIRK LAZARUS In his normal.look, CAUCASIAN and IRISH, much like he was in the "Satan's Alley" trailer...

- JULIE (V.0.) Three time Oscar winner Kirk Lazarus, reclusive, brilliant Irishman, considered by many.'the best actor of his generation, and also a known bad boy... Stills of a DRUNKEN LAZARUS outside a New York Bar, punching a paparazzo...

JULIE . is famous for his total immersion into whatever role he plays. To.transform into the role of the African American Sergeant who saved_Four Leaf's life...

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

Lazarus is examined by a doctor.

AJULIE (V.0.) Lazarus-went - to shocking, and controversial lengths...

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - A FEW WEEKS LATER

Lazarus lies in a hospital bed,, covered in bandages.

JULIE After undergoing experimental pigmentation alteration procedures in a         Singapore clinic, this was the startling result.

Tropic Thunder 19. A doctor dversees as nurses carefully peel the bandages off Lazarus's head. Lazarus is now Black.

INT.''TROPIC THUNDER PRE-SHOOT PRESS CONFERENCE

In the hotel, with THE ENTIRE CAST sitting in front of a         banner touting the movie's title. Lazarus speaks in his "Osiris" character voice we heard at the beginning of the film -- one that he will NEVER

DROP.

LAZARUS

(OSIRIS VOICE) There are all these young brothers who got no role models but a bunch of pimp- acting rappers, who glamorize a life of         gangsterism and womanizing. I'm just grateful to have this opportunity to be         able to represent. Redykulous hears this, looks pissed.

SERIES OF SHOTS OF DAMIEN DORFMAN Getting awards, shooting documentary footage in SIERRA LEONE of warring tribesmen.

JULIE (V.0.) British documentary director Damien Dorfman has never made a theatrical movie before, but his mission, he says, is to         bring a reality to the film that he feels is missing from most Hollywood epics.

INT. TROPIC THUNDER PRE-SHOOT PRESS CONFERENCE

DAMIEN My goal, quite simply, is for an audience member to walk out of the cinema, feeling as if they were IN Vietnam for two hours. Quite literally.

REPORTER Are you intimidated about working with actors for the first time?

DAMIEN Intimidated?

(CHALLENGING)

(MORE)

1         Tropic Thunder 20. DAMIEN (cont'd)         Not really, mate. I tell you what's         intimidating. Filming a seven-foot Hutu warrior who is readylto shove his machete up your ass if you look at him cockeyed.

(BEAT) That's intimidating. I think I ban handle actors of the unarmed variety.

CUT TO:

JULIE (V.0.,) Well, he'll certainly have his hands full with king of comedy Jeff Portnoy.

INT. COURTROOM - VIDEO

A fuckedlup looking PORTNOY being taken away by a         .bailiff.

JULIE (V.0.) After being arrested for heroin, cocaine and crack possession, Portnoy is out to         prove he can. stay clean and get audiences addicted to seeing him in a movie without any potty. humor...

HIP HOP VIDEO -- MIAMI -- DAY REDYKULOUS struts out and does a ridiculously lewd dance with about FIVE HIP HOP ASSES. surrounding his face.

JULIE And from the world of hip-hop, multi.-- platinum selling rapper, producer, and clothing designer Redykulous, and star of         his own hi't reality show "Utterly          Redykulous".

INT. TROPIC THUNDER PRE-SHOOT PRESS CONFERENCE

Redykulous is in his "REDYKWEAR" sweats.

REDYKULOUS As far as Redykulous is concerned, you .know, I 'always believed you've got to         exploit every opportunity. He holds up a can of "PYMP SWEAT".

Tropic Thunder 21.

REDYKULOUS That's why my new sports drink Pymp Sweat is the official beverage on the set of         Tropic Thunder, as well as my new energy bar, the "Bust-A-Nut", with all proceeds going to clean up land mines in this previously war ravaged area.

EXT. HOTEL POOL -- DAY

JULIE At a reported budget north of $200 million, Tropic Thunder could end up         costing almost as much as the real war! But the good news for Damien Dorfman and his troops -- the Oscar buzz is already starting! So for El News I'm Julie-- All of a sudden Portnoy, wearing a Tropic Thunder cap all askew and surfer shorts with no shirt, bursts out of the bushes. He screams wildly and GRABS Julie, who cracks up         laughing at his "stunt". '

PORTNOY (silly voice) Me so horny!! Me so horny!! He jumps into the pool with her! What a crack up!

CUT TO:

EXT. RUN DOWN "RESORT" HOTEL -- DAY

It is the one hotel in the area, and it looks like it has been through a war, which it probably has. It has been taken over as the Tropic Thunder production headquarters. We see a mix of PRODUCTION PEOPLE and HOTEL WORKERS.

VOICE OF TODD We're shutting you down, Dorf.

INT. PRODUCTION OFFICE -- DAY

Damien sits behind his desk, looking scared. Vietnam photos, maps, and sketches cover the walls. Standing in         the office are ASSORTED CREW, including Cody and Four Leaf, who whittles a stick with his hooks, never looking up.

Tropic Thunder 22. They are all staring at a speaker phone.

DAMIEN You can't do that Todd.

VOICE OF TODD I         Yes we can.. The dailies are not good.

DAMIEN Dailies are always bad! Bad dailies, good movie! Isn't that what they say?

VOICE OF TODD I never heard that saying. Look, Damien. Fact: You're. three weeks behind and you've been shooting for five days. Fact: we greenlit this project at a very specific number, a number Walter and I         could get in bed. with, and fact--.

DAMIEN ,. _.         (starting to lose it) Todd, it really isn't necessary for you to,keep saying "fact" before everything. It's kind of implied, that if you are saying.it--

VOICE OF TODD Alright.. I'm just.trying to keep the emotion out of it, so I thought I would say."fact" before each fact, so it would be less-upsetting -- I

VOICE OF WALTER Ok, Damien, this is Walter, I'm just gonna jump in.and bad-cop.it here for a         second. Dude, I mean, 46,000 dollars for Chris Michael Speedman's masseuse's         miscellaneous living expenses? It sounds like the inmates are running the asylum.

DAMIEN Well, yes, that's exactly-it,.Walter if- you actually came out here you would see that .these actors are--

VOICE OF TODD (loud out of'nowhere) The actors didn't blow up the rainforest and forget to turn on the camera Damien! I have a lot of tolerance, but when. Lt         comes to nature I lose it!

(MORE)

Tropic Thunder 23.

R

IN         â–º VOICE OF TODD (cont'd)          I will not be called an eco-terrorist, do          you understand that? Damien looks a bit bewildered by that. His hot young assistant comes in with a cell phone.

11

HOT YOUNG ASSISTANT Sorry. (whispering to Damien) It's Chris Michael, he says it's         important. Damien, shaking now, steps out on to the balcony and slides the glass door shut.

EXT. RUNDOWN BALCONY -- DAY

Though the hotel is a shambles, the view out on to the bay is spectacular.

DAMIEN (trying to seem calm) Yes, Chris!?

EXT. SPEEDMAN'S PALATIAL BEACHFRONT ESTATE

In stark contrast to the hotel where everyone else is         living, Speedman is in what looks like an Asian presidential palace overlooking the ocean. SPEEDMAN is standing on the deck, trying hard to hold the, phone with his hook hands. "Simple Jack" plays on a flat screen inside.

SPEEDMAN Hey, Dorf. Just wanted to call and throw a little pep talk your way. I know today was rough, and you're probably mad at         yourself for not getting the shots, but that's the way these movies go. We all boot it from time to time, and today was just one of those days. Happens.

DAMIEN (sickly sweet) Yes it does. It does. Though I do think you have to realize Chris, that you are somewhat responsi--

Tropic Thunder 24.

SPEEDMAN Oh, also needed to let you know, and I.         .know you're like wrapped up with the movie, but I really need that new chef like we talked about, you know to really 4 get that super-ripped thing happening. This guy is great but all he makes are dumplings. And they stiill haven't worked out the TiVo thing. III I. I I 4I

DAMIEN' Right. well those things... those. 4,

4,         things ...I'm dealing with bigger issues right now Chris --

SPEEDMAN Yeah, of course, I just know we talked about getting super-super-ripped for that starvation sequence Speedman's other line goes. He sees the caller I.D.

SPEEDMAN Oh,, shit-- can you hang on a sec, D?         He switches over,, but it takes a few seconds with the hooks.

SPEEDMAN Rick?.

CUT TO:

INT. AGENCY OFFICE -- L.A. - DAY

RICK PECK, head of the Peck Agency, sits in his office, overlooking. Los Angeles. He has a headset on.

PECK. Guess what I'm staring at right now?

WE INTERCUT BETWEEN SPEEDMAN AND PECK

SPEEDMAN What?

PECK I'm looking at your ugly mug on the back of Vanity Fair magazine in beautiful living color with the two cute cuddly pandas from cuteville. It's insane.

I         Tropic Thunder 25. We see Pedk is holding a Vanity Fair with an ad on the back: it is a picture of Speedman looking earnest, holding two baby PANDAS. The caption reads:

"PANDAS...THEIR SURVIVAL IS NOT SO BLACK AND WHITE"

PECK The credibility factor that the pandas give you is priceless, and strangely, if' you see this picture, what really strikes me is the credibility that you give them. I've been getting psychotic feedback all day. Hey did you get the basket I sent? WE SEE: A survival-themed gift basket in a camouflage backpack, There's a satellite phone, camouflage sunblock, etc.

SPEEDMAN Yeah. Thanks.

PECK You sad? What's wrong?

SPEEDMAN No I'm fine. I've just been having a         tough time over here. They still havn't         got the TiVo hooked up and... I don't         know... Lazarus is getting all this Oscar buzz already --

PECK Is that what this is about? Crazy Kirk Lazarus goes and places his entire body in some experimental Malaysian dipping sauce so he can actually be black, of         course he's gonna get buzz. Listen to         what I am telling you. He is clinically mentally not right.

SPEEDMAN Yeah but the way they talk about him. I         mean, he played a retarded guy and won an          Oscar, I play a retarded guy and don't          even get a nomination. I don't know, I         mean you said "Simple Jack" would be my          "Elf" but with Oscars. Those were your exact words.

1         Tropic Thunder 26.

PECK I don't believe those were my exact words but let's get beyond that to the root of         this. Remember the moment you chose to do, this', and I wanted you to do the ESP robot thing with Wolfgang Petersen? And I         said stay home be happy and you said "no,          Rick I need to play a real human being" and I said "okay" and then I said "are         you sure?" and you said that you needed this-for your soul?

SPEEDMAN Yes but --

PECK Which I totally respected and now you're         doing the crazy surfer three..sixty move on me,..which I love by the-way-- but-you said fuck it, I gotta do it for my soul And-that's why I hate you.. Because you were RIGHT. And you're in. the Phuc Long fucking Delta,. in the real mud, with- leeches in your hair, 20,000 mil es from Fatburger.being an actor-And, I would wager, forcing everyone around you to         rise to your level. Am I right? I mean you are over there forcing a bunch of         PUSSY actors to gel, straighten up and. become a platoon. And it hurts. Am I         right? Speedman actually seems tohave bought-this

SPEEDMAN Yeah. You are right.

PECK Alright, that's what.I thought. Now get to work genius soldier. I'll handle the .TiVo. Peck hangs up abruptly.

ON SPEEDMAN Speedman punches the button on his cordless and puts. it         down. He ponders Rick's words as he gets caught up         watching the end scene of "SIMPLE JACK" on his TV. He has forgotten Damien is on the other line.

Tropic Thunder 27.

EXT. RUNDOWN BALCONY -- DAY

Damien stands holding the phone, still on hold. Through the glass, we see the entire crew waiting silently behind him.

SPEEDMAN ON TV (O.S.) (as Simple Jack)' Shu-sure is a puh-puh-purty sssssssunrise, uh-uh-uh-uh-ain't it?

DAMIEN Chris? You there? Hello? Finally, after a few moments of listening to this, Damien explodes. He throws the phone on the ground and jumps up         and down on it. He notices the crew staring at him. He         tries to look as if that just didn't happen. He opens the sliding glass, and heads straight to the door. He continues walking through his office, out into the main offices. He motions for his assistant to join him.

VOICE OF TODD Damien? This is not going to go away! I'm         going to be on my cell all day -- I'm          going to a funeral but I'm keeping it on. That's Where we're at with this!

OUTSIDE OF DAMIEN'S OFFICE He walks with purpose, followed by his assistant.

DAMIEN Get everyone together! We are having a         cast meeting" tonight! No choice! Everyone          must attend. I am putting my foot down!

HOT YOUNG ASSISTANT Oh... I don't think I can do that, Damien. Chris is having that "End of         First Week" party at his place tonight. Everybody's going. Damien's eyes twitch oddly.

CUT TO:

Tropic Thunder 28.

EXT. SPEEDMAN'S PALATIAL BEACHFRONT ESTATE -- NIGHT

It is an APOCALYPSE NOW theme party. Vegas style. Tiki torches,, buffets. PLAYBOY PLAYMATE DANCERS circa 1967 are dancing on a deck in front of a banner that reads "ONE         WEEK DOWN!". The crew and cast are partying their asses off. i n ï¿½ï¿½ i nMï¿½'al         WAITERS, dressed like bald Marlon Brandos in full face camo, serve hors d'oeuvres. PORTNOY, not looking very sober, jumps up on the stage with the dancers and starts doing a striptease.

ENTRANCE TO THE DECK Damien walks in, watching this scene from Caligula going down. He looks in a deep funk. Portnoy STAGE DIVES straight onto the lawn, landing with a thud in front of Damien.

DAMIEN, Jeff. Jeff are you alright?.We.need to         talk -- as.a cast, as a platoon, right now.

PORTNOY (sick and drunk) Dorfie-- did you happenito see that grip withthe bandana?-The big guy?-I was supposed to meet him here. He has a-         package of mine. Kevin Sandusky ("Brooklyn" from the movie) comes up to         them, looking fresh faced and eager.

SANDUSKY. Hey Mr. Dorfman. Jeff. You O.K? That was some hit you took today.

PORTNOY

(BEAT) Who are you?

SANDUSKY I'm Kevin. Are you serious? Kevin Sandusky? I'm playing Brooklyn?

Tropic Thunder 29.

PORTNOY Oh yeah. Right. Hey, have you seen that grip with the bandana?

SANDUSKY Uh, no. I think-- But Portnoy is off already looking for his drug connection. They both watch him go.

SANDUSKY Hey, Mr. Dorfman, I was hoping to find you. I know this is a party, but this afternoon after work I was breaking down my M-16, and I have to say, in the night watch scene, a minute and a half is a         pretty short amount of time to assemble it.

DAMIEN

(TOUCHED) You actually care, don't you?

SANDUSKY Oh, yeah. Of course. This is a huge opportunity. To be working with all these great actors, and you.

DAMIEN You're the only one who auditioned. You're the only one who did the two week boot camp, Sandusky.

SANDUSKY Yeah, I know. It was kind of weird. Wasn't the point that we were all supposed to bond?

DAMIEN

(BITTERLY) Yes, that was the point. Damien, grabs a drink from a passing tray, and downs it. We follow A WAITER as he passes Speedman with a tray of         food. Speedman, ungracefully and with his hook hands, grabs a         spring roll off the tray. He resumes talking to LAZARUS who is deeply uninterested.

I

I         r Tropic Thunder 30.

SPEEDMAN I guess I just watched some retarded people. I mean, I spent a lot. of time. with them... watching them.. Watching all the retarded stuff they did.

LAZARUS Huh, I always found mere observation a         little rudimentary. Gotta dig deeper to         mine the true emotional,paydirt. Diagram the source of the pain. Then live it.

SPEEDMAN (trying. to keep up) Exactly! With Jack. I was, for the first time in-my life.. (searches for the word) Retarded. I was retarded.in.the trailer, retarded at home., Brushing my. teeth retarded. In a `weird way I had to         unlearn what it was to be... .NOT retarded.

LAZARUS Yeah... but Simple Jack thought he was smart. Or, rather, didn't think he was retarded. So you can afford to play retarded', being a smart actor. Tricky tricky stuff. Hats off for going. there. Especially.knowing how the Academy is         about that shit. Speedman is lost:

SPEEDMAN About what?

LAZARUS (with 'a chuckle) Are you serious? Everyone knows you don't ever go fully retarded!

SPEEDMAN How do you mean? Lazarus sets his. drink down. School's in session.

LAZARUS Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man. Looked retarded. Acted retarded. NOT retarded. He could count toothpicks, cheat at cards. Autistic. Sure. NOT retarded. HANKS'. Forest Gump. Slow? Yes.

(MORE)

Tropic Thunder 31. LAZARUS (cont'd)         Retarded? Maybe. Had braces on his legs, he charmed the pants bff Nixon, and won a         ping-pong competition. Peter Sellers, "Being There", infantile? Yes. Retarded? No. He claps a hand on Speedman's shoulder.

LAZARUS You went full retard, man. You never go 14 full retard. Don't believe me? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, I am Sam. Went full retard. Went home empty handed. Speedman sees this for the truth it is. How could he be         so stupid?

LAZARUS (cruelly, driving it home) But hey, man! Who knows? Four Leaf could be your ticket to Oscar gold. I'd lose the hook hands though... cripples don't         give the Academy wood either.

SPEEDMAN

(DAZED) Oh. Lazarus laughs and excuses himself by rattling his glass and heading for the bar. Speedman stands hurt, delicately holding the spring,roll in his hook.

ON THE OTHER SIDE,OF THE ROOM Damien paces the party. He looks more miserable and high strung than ever. He discovers Redykulous, surrounded by         his posse and a CAMERA CREW.

DAMIEN Redykulous... I need to talk to you.

REDYKULOUS What up, money.

DAMIEN (in a hushed tone, aware of         the cameras) We're having a cast meeting, right now We need to come together as a unit -- The camera crew moves in for the close-up. . .making Damien uncomfortable ... Redykulous takes it in stride. Throughout the scene he is TEXT MESSAGING someone.

Tropic Thunder 32.

REDYKULOUS Uh-huh... Damien is made uncomfortable by the cameraman who has i         started manually zooming in and out on him in a dutch style camera move... DAMIEN i         Do you mind if we step away for a moment?

REDYKULOUS From what? Damien tries to indicate the crew.

DAMIEN (whispering even lower now) From the...uh...you know... .this area..

REDYKUL:OUS Oh, I see...sure They take a few steps away from the bar... The entire camera crew follows.

DAMIEN Oh. Hah! No, I mean away from the cameras. you understand?. Away from (indicating the crew) them...

REDYKULOUS No.

DAMIEN What?

REDYKULOUS No. I can't do that. If Redykulous steps away from the cameras then my         .people don't get to see the real Redykulous. The show is called "Utterly         Redykulous".

DAMIEN Well this is about work ...my show so to. .speak. Do you understand?

REDYKULOUS I guess. But not really. Your show and my show are the same thing. This is gonna help your show, trust me.

(MORE)

Tropic Thunder 33. REDYKULOUS (cont'd)         My show AND the soundtrack drops the same time "Tropic Thunder opens. So you get         that crossover audience everybody wants          on your opening weekend, which will          dictate your revenue streams all the way          through DVD release, pay per view,          etcetera.          Damien thinks this over for a second. It does sort of           make sense. He then notices the chmera crew pushing in k I, 1 '144%          for a close up He awkwardly tries to get away from          them...

DAMIEN Excuse me, everyone! If I could have your attention! Nothing. No one notices except Speedman. Damien grabs a         couple bottles off the bar and BANGS them together.

DAMIEN Sorry to break up the party, but I just wanted to call your attention to a cast meeting tonight! Big meeting! Future of         the film depends on it!

(UNRAVELING) Not to mention my entire bloody life! Damien in a final cry of frustration, SMASHES a bottle on         the bar. He succeeds only in cutting his hand.

DAMIEN

GODFUCKITI SHIT! Speedman comes up, placing a calming hook on Damien's         shoulder. He steps to the fore.

SPEEDMAN (slowly, deliberately) "When... we.'.. put... aside... our...         differences... we see we're kind of the          same." Within moments, the place settles completely.

SPEEDMAN (Long beat...-then almost         quietly.) "When we put aside our differences, we         see we're kind of the same. Let's be          friends, I know we will do great things          together." (beat, then more upbeat)

(MORE)

Tropic Thunder 34. SPEEDMAN (,cont'd)         That's a quote from my children's book, "The Boy Everybody-Was Jealous Of." I         know it's just a book for. kids, but I         think it applies to.making a movie as          well. 'Course... I know a lot of the reason things are maybe messed up is ME. The guys look at each other -- maybe he's not so bad.

SPEEDMAN I was looking-at it all backwards. You guys are lost. You heed.me to.lead you, to help you gel, and straighten.up -- like a PLATOON! A long beat.

PORTNOY (drunk out of his mind) Hey,. Speedman! That bullshit pep'talk made me.H-h-h-h-h-happy! The entire party cuts.up.in loud hysterics. Speedman looks hurt. The DJ puts on-a Redykulous track really loud, and the, place gets even crazier.

EXT. BEACH - LATER

Damien, drunk, walks along, illuminated by the light of         the moon. He holds' a bottle of wine, which.he chugs..In         the distance, the party rages.

FOUR LEAF-CO .. S. )         When a herd loses its way, the shepherd          must kill the bull that leads them          astray..          Damien turns around., startled. FOUR LEAF is standing          eerily in the bushes by the sand.

FOUR LEAF You don't know which way is up, do you private`? You couldn't find a dixie coonskin with an Ohio hooker holding your prick. and showin' you the way...         Damien doesn't know what the fuck that meant. Four Leaf moves to him, staring deep into his eyes. Damien's eyes widen in fear.

,I

I         â€žTropic Thunder 35.

FOUR LEAF A raindrop cannot carve a valley. An ant cannot defeat a buffalo. But a tempest can cleave that mountain to make the valley, and an army of ants can fell the mighty buffalo.

DAMIEN (seeing the wisdom of this) Yes...

FOUR LEAF If the lion, although king of the jungle, is thrown into the sea, he will drown... but...if...

(PAUSE) He...lives in the...water, for many years, he will.. .grow gills ... . do you understand? (long pause)

DO YOU!? He lunges at Damien and grabs him by the collar with both hooks. '

DAMIEN (near tears now) I want to!!! But not really!!

(BEAT) Someone's an ANT? Or something???

FOUR LEAF I put my story in your limp Brit hands and you will not fail me!! (long pause) My boys were worse pussies than these guys. But the shit is what made us a         unit. A whole. You must put them in the

SHIT. He releases Damien and takes a large draw on his cigarette...

FOUR LEAF There's a place. About a hundred clicks from here, as the crow flies. Deep in the jungle. No trailers, no port-a-potties. Nothing but triple canopy jungle and cockroaches the size of melons. Damien seems intrigued yet a little freaked out by his weirdness.

1         Tropic Thunder 36.

DAMIEN And...?

FOUR LEAF Rig up your documentary cameras'in that jungle, give me and Cody a few of those smoke bombs and some charges and we could light up the jungle so those lily-dick actors would think they were in the middle of. Hamburger Hill. You.get them thinking they're getting shot at, and you'll have your movie. Suddenly, Four Leaf slaps his neck with his hook as         though he has been bitten. He holds out a small squished mosquito' between the claws of his prosthesis.

FOUR LEAF You must put them.under your thumb the way this. bug is under mine... .under YOUR control.

DAMIEN I see ...yes ...They would 'be under my         total control... finally. I could shoot the whole movie there. Gritty. Dirty. Away from their pampered pussy posses and helpers...

FOUR LEAF Yes... yes...

DAMIEN Put them in the real shit. Film them with real fear in their eyes. REAL FEAR!

.REAL EMOTION! YES! YES, FOUR LEAF, FUCK

YES!! Damien and Four Leaf share a crazed look. COOL MUSIC UP         as WE PUSH IN and...

CUT TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT

A CHOPPER skimming the treetops, illuminated by a lonely moon...

Tropic Thunder 37.

IN THE CHOPPER Cody is piloting. Damien and Four Leaf are in the back sitting, across from Speedman, Portnoy, Redyk and Lazarus and Sandusky. We move across the faces of the actors, all in         brainbuckets, who all look confusted and unhappy, except for Sandusky who seems excited. Speedman clutches the camouflaged gift bag from his agent Rick Peck.

PORTNOY

(FINALLY) So, uh, any idea how long we'll be gone? Because I left most of my... vitamins back at the hotel. The other actors chime in with similar concerns, regarding sleeping arrangements, make up facilities, etc... '

FOUR LEAF Save your breath, maggots! They all shrink back. Four Leaf's fierce posture is         undercut as the helicopter lurches, sending Damien sprawling onto hire.

DAMIEN That'sâ€¢right. Maggots.

EXT. JUNGLE - DAWN

The chopper lands in a small clearing as the sun rises behind a mountain.

IN THE CHOPPER Damien and Four Leaf, in DI mode, hustle the "grunts" off the chopper.

DAMIEN

GO!!! Apparently they are not moving fast enough -- Four Leaf and Damien shove the guys out of the chopper onto the ground.

.Tropic Thunder 38.

FOUR LEAF

MOVE! MOVE! MOVE! The group, scared shitless, start falling out of the doors of the chopper, more like a bunch of oysters than a         crack platoon. Four leaf jumps on the skid of thy chopper and motions to         Cody, who lifts off. It kicksï¿½up a violent backwash, 0, Iq y         forcing the guys to duck. and cover.

FOUR LEAF See you in hell! As the noise of the helicopter fades, the group starts. trying to orient itself in their new surroundings.' The Jungle. Black, dense, unforgiving. All around them can be seen the remnants of a war that has been over for thirty years. A grave marker,. half of         an old rusted outâ€¢'downed chopper. All are absorbing the spookiness, except Portnoy who seems very upset.

PORTNOY This is bullshit! Damien marches over to him, and SLAPS HIM REPEATEDLY in         the face.

PORTNOY I         (clutching his cheeks)

OWW! FUCKIN' JESUS, DUDE!

DAMIEN

YOU'RE SITTING ON A NEST OF HOSTILE V.C.

ENEMY. CONGRATULATIONS FATS. YOU JUST GOT

US ALL KILLED! ANYBODY ELSE CARE TO GIVE

AWAY OUR POSITION TO CHARLIE!! Silence.

DAMIEN

CELL PHONES! Everyone hands over their phones. Speedman, however, turns away from the group, getting his. satellite phone out of the gift bag. He surreptitiously stows it down the front of his pants.

,. Tropic Thunder 39.

I" â–º         Damien dumps them in a pile and finds a large boulder. HE          smashes the phones with a draatic flair. The guys GROAN.          Damien turns on them with a crazy gleam in his eye.

DAMIEN Okay, girls... now that I have your attention, I will tell you fuckfaces what we're doing here. You are no longer actors in a movie. You,are grunts in a         war. These men around you are your brothers. The guys look at each other, unhappy.

DAMIEN Congratulations. You've just landed in         "the shit". Your objective is to head north and liberate the village at D'ang Kwook Hill, at which point "Four Leaf" gets himself captured, at which point you rescue him, at which point we will chopper you home. We will also be         rigging this entire valley of death with hidden cameras so that every glorious moment gets on film. And believe me it         WILL be glorious. If it looks real, chances are good it probably is. You wanted to be actors? You wanted to         occupy the skin of another human being? Get ready to occupy the skin of a         terrified U.S. Infantry grunt, surrounded by death, crawling up Satan's arsehole. There's going to be enemy fire. Booby traps. Your own personal little slice of         the 'Nam. The group shares a look -- "What's going on?" He pulls out a laminated packet.

DAMIEN (to Spe?dman) "Four Leaf", since you're the Captain here, here's the scene list and the map. (he throws them at him) Think you can handle it? From now on, Whatever we get on film is our movie, period. Damien pulls out a walkie-talkie.

.Tropic Thunder 40.

DAMIEN THIS is your only link to, the real world. It will be used only in an emergency or         to replenish our supplies if absolutely necessary. This is NOT a cell phone. This radio goes'to the chopper, and the chopper ONLY. The chopper is GOD, and I         am Jesus Christ his SONI!! You will' depend on and pray 'to US!! And nobody ï¿½iï¿½ï¿½ i n I' ï¿½IMdï¿½4 gets home until we get the shots! (loud and confident) Now... let's'put the greatest war movie ever in the can! With that, Damien marches toward the treeline and'steps on a dormant LAND MINE left sleeping for decades., BLOWING'

HIM TO BITS. The group stands absolutely stock still for several long beats until...

SPEEDMAN Whoa.

EXT. JUNGLE. -- A HALF MILE AWAY

A group of about SIX ASIAN GUERILLA FIGHTERS, well armed and scary looking,,. notice the sound of the explosion. They begin talking very seriously in a foreign language. One of them grabs a radio:

GUERILLAS

(SUBTITLES) < We have heard an explosion, in the northern sector.>

A UNKNOWN VOICE (crackling over walkie         talkie), .         They lock and load, heading towards the actors...

EXT. JUNGLE -- A.HILLTOP CLEARING

Four Leaf scans the horizon while. Cody sets up high-tech equipment, including monitors and cameras and detonation devices.

I         Tropic Thunder 41.

CODY So, I'm thinkin' as soon as Damien gives us the go ahead, we'ï¿½ust their cherry with a few airbursts, then alpha-alpha till they come running right at, us, then a good of fashioned firefight, maintaining our distance. Four Leaf ignores him, instead looking around the jungle, looking almost lost.

CODY I been meaning to tell ya the whole shoot. I'm probably one-a your biggest fans. Your book was kinda my "Catcher in         the Rye". It inspired me to become a gyro man. Four Leaf gives Cody nothing -- except his usual stoic stare.

CODY I'm actually sort of a war nut. I mean I         never was in the service, but for me          blowing shit up in a war films is sort of          my way of paying tribute to the real deal. And you sir, are the real deal. Nothing.

CODY Hey, I was wonderin' what kind of sidearm you carry? Looks to me like a--

FOUR LEAF (very scary) I don't know what it's called. I just know the sound it makes when it takes a         man's life. Cody, a little spooked, picks up his radio.

CODY Ok, we're ready to rock and roll. (to walkie-talkie) Damien, come in. Cameras are up, ordinance are up. Ready to kick the tires and light the fires on your say so.

11         Tropic Thunder 42.

EXT. JUNGLE - THE ACTORS

WE are close on the seemingly broken.walkie talkie,.which has heard none of this. We PULL BACK to reveal the guys, staring at Damien's corpse in total shock. All except Speedman, who looks on with a smirk.

PORTNOY I think he's like... dead.

SPEEDMAN: (with a chuckle) Nice, very nice, Dorf. . .Very nice, wherever you're hiding!

REDYKULOUS I don't think he's hiding.. I think he         just died! Sandusky leans down towards the off screen corpse. pulls a wrist into frame.

SANDUSKY He doesn't. have a pulse ...or a head. He then grabs a bent and rusty.piece of metal.

SANDUSKY Must've been one of those Claymore mines. This old Jungle must.be full of them.,

REDYKUZOUS You bet your ass it is. That's why a         percentage of my Pymp Sweat Profits are helpin' solve the problem! Damien's corpse emits a disturbing death rattle. Speedman busts up laughing. They turn to him -- what the hell? Speedman throws an-arm.around Sandusky, -like an indulgent older brother.

SPEEDMAN C'mon! Don't you get it? This is what .Dorf was talking about -- our slice of         the Nam! He's trying to get in our heads!

Tropic Thunder 43.

GUERRILLAS P.O.V -- FROM THE SURROUNDING JUNGLE They are right behind the treeline, watching the guys from about thirty feet.

SPEEDMAN That whole "life and death" speech in the chopper? He's meshing 'with us! What do         you think all that "playing God" was about? The guys breathe a huge collective sigh of relief -- except Lazarus.

LAZARUS Are you nuts, shithead? The dude is         dead!! Sandusky looks unsure. He doesn't want to take sides.

SPEEDMAN Kirk. I know you're the big fancy actor here, but, no offense, I've done a lot mote effects driven event films, and I         think I can spot a prop body.

ON THE GUERRILLAS The LEAD guerilla signals for all his guys to hold their fire and pick their targets...

ON THE ACTORS Suddenly, The walkie-talkie lying on Damien's body crackles to life:

CODY (ON WALKIE) -- I repeat, we are now go for mission!

DAMIE-- The walkie crackles unintelligibly. Speedman picks it up, showing it to the guys. See?

SPEEDMAN

(SMIRKING) Alright, can we start the scene now? Or         do you need a formal invitation?! (checking the list) Scene 12A, ext. Jungle. Day. Ambush.

Tropic Thunder 44. Speedman closes his eyes, taking a second to get into character. He opens them, and grabs. his gun and creeps towards the bushes, stealthily..

SPEEDMAN (as Four Leaf) I got a baaaad feeling on this one, Fats. The group remains motionless., Speedman gives Portnoy a ,M in MAIM "c'mon!" type look. Portnoy doesn't know what he means...

SPEEDMAN I said, I got a baaad feeling on this one, Brooklyn...         Oh! He's acting! Sandusky hesitantly takes the cue, and starts walking. stealthily around.with him, on high.alert.for Charlie. Swinging his gun unpredictably.

ON THE GUERILLAS They are a mere ten or fifteen feet from Sandusky on the other side of the. trees... they back off as. he waves his gun...

BACK ON THE ACTORS'

SANDUSKY (-as Brooklyn) Me too, cap'n.

(BEAT) Hey, cap?: If.I told you something, something kinda personal, you wouldn't         think I was crazy, right?

SPEEDMAN Naw, man. I know you ain't crazy Brooklyn...

SANDUSKY Well,. if I told you that I, I never actually, well, been with a girl...you wouldn't, like, think I was, like, queer .or nothin'... would you.?

SPEEDMAN .Naw, man... I wouldn't think you was a         queer.

,I Tropic Thunder 45.

I" â–º         Redykulous shrugs and joins in, too:

REDYKULOUS (acting really "black guy"

SCARED)         Sh...sh...shit ...When I get back to the          world, I'm gonna find me the finest piece          of Detroit nubian mugambo, and fuck it          till I broke its back.

PORTNOY The last "mugambo" you ever tasted was in         your momma's soup bowl. I wouldn't mind slurpin' on a little of that --

SPEEDMAN That's enough outta you Fats. Don't you worry, Brooklyn. You gotta lotta days a         fucking ahead of you and I for one ain't          gonna let Charlie...          Lazarus can't handle it anymore.

LAZARUS What the FUCK is wrong with you people?! Speedman shoots him a look then takes a few steps back. He addresses the treeline.

SPEEDMAN Sorry Damien! Back to one... action! (he gets back in character) Don't you worry, Brooklyn, You gotta

LOTTA--

LAZARUS Yo, asshole! Mothafucka just DIED! Speedman sighs, annoyed.

SPEEDMAN How many more takes you wanna wreck? Some of us are taking this seriously. Lazarus looks likes he wants to explode. But instead he         becomes eerily calm. He begins an impressive transformation -- Everything except for his skin color returns to his real identity, a pompous Irish prick.

LAZARUS (Heavy Irish) Jaysus! There isn't going to be any movie, ya gobshite!

(MORE)

Tropic Thunder 46. LAZARUS (cont'd)         Damien is dead, Speedman. Yes,_the show must go on, but this is feckin' madness.

PORTNOY (re: Lazarus transformation) i         Wow. That was really cool.

THE GUERILLAS Are watching this, poised to attack.

BACK ON THE ACTORS Speedman and Lazarus argue, more heated now.

SPEEDMAN Excuse me Kirk, I think you dropped something. He mimes picking something, off, the ground.

SPEEDMAN It's called your character. Don't worry, I won't tell the Academy! Suddenly: GUNFIRE FROM EVERYWHERE! The Guerrillas have seized the moment. The actors all immediately hit the dirt, except for Speedman,.who just looks annoyed and blase as dirt and debris kicks up all around him.

SPEEDMAN You happy now? We're out of position for the effect! Am I the only one who read .the script?! This is the ambush! A tree aboveSpeedman gets hit, explodes, sprays chunks of wood and shrapnel everywhere.

SANDUSKY I think they're really shooting at us!

SPEEDMAN What are you guys worried about? These guys are pros. The unions would tear them a new ass-if any of us got hurt. The actors stay down, looking scared.

SPEEDMAN Come on, you guys! Let's use this!

Tropic Thunder 47. No one follows Speedman's lead., Fine, he'll go it alone. Speedman begins shooting at the guerillas alone, and doing a very good job of it, going through an assortment of absurd action style maneuvers throughout. Redykulous looks around, and then decides to get up and join him. Sandusky and Portnoy look at each other -- what the heck -- and follow. They all fire at the unseen enemy, letting out very convincing WAR CRIES.

ON THE GUERRILLAS Not knowing it's only blanks, and awed by the power of         the actors' automatic weapons, and the intensity of their screams, they drop back...

GUERILLA LEADER The guerillas hastily go through their packs hooking up         RPGs...

EXT. JUNGLE - HILLTOP CLEARING

Four Leaf looks out into the jungle below, he can hear the firefight, but, Cody can't.

FOUR LEAF Hear that? Cody is preoccupied with the radio and the explosives.

CODY What? I still can't get Damien on the radio. I bet he forgot how to use the Walkie again. What do you say we get a         little... pro-active? Cody, very excited, grabs a plunger.

BACK ON THE ACTORS Still fighting, oblivious that the guerillas are about to         blow them to kingdom come with RPGs. But before the guerillas have a chance--

I         t' Tropic Thunder 48.

ON CODY He pushes down the plunger...

ON THE GUERILLAS

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!! Dirt flies, the guerillas don't know what the hell is         going on =- except that someone is suddenly bombing the shit out of them. They beat a hasty retreat.

EXT. JUNGLE HILLTOP CLEARING

Cody and Four Leaf watch Cody's handiwork with binoculars. A smoke cloud slowly rises from the jungle.

CODY Right on!! I bet Damien heard that!. Cody turns to Four Leaf, and finds himself staring straight at 10 GUERILLA FIGHTERS with their submachine guns pointed straight at them.

CODY Oh shit.

FOUR LEAF Oh yeah. And with that Cody and Four Leaf are.RIFLE BUTTED out of         consciousness...

EXT. JUNGLE -- THE ACTORS

Speedman motions for everyone to "cease fire".

SPEEDMAN

(PUMPED) Aaaaand... CUT! Jesus!. Alright! That's         the trailer 'right there!

REDYKULOUS That was some sick shit! I wasn't even thinking bout the camera! The guys' adrenaline is flowing, they do high fives all around. Lazarus is not happy. He looks off into the jungle, sensing that someone was out there.

Tropic Thunder 49.

SANDUSKY' So what do we do now? Speedman pulls out the map, frowns at it.

SPEEDMAN Damien said to head north. I'm guessing they've got more of these "battles" and Viet Congs rigged for uls on the way. (into it) Alright, let's hump-our shit to D'ang Kwook! Let's didi double time! We got a         lot of clicks to cover! Speedman heads off into a particularly dense section of         jungle. After a beat, he reappears, looking a little lost.

SANDUSKY Uh...Sir, isn't it that way? Kevin points in the other direction. Speedman glances down at the map, which he rotates around, right side up         now.

SPEEDMAN Oh yeah. Thanks, uh...

SANDUSKY (can't believe it) Kevin. Kevin Sandusky.

SPEEDMAN Right. Okay, To D'ang Kwook! Lets do-it- to-it! Everyone follows Speedman. Lazarus, very reluctantly, brings up the rear, still looking off into the jungle. A

EXT. FLAMING DRAGON COMPOUND - ESTABLISHING

It is a large, secret heroin processing facility, surrounded by barbed wire fencing. It is in a clearing in the jungle, by a small river. There's a GUARD TOWER overlooking a main gate, which leads into a big open courtyard area. The main structure is a low, concrete military-looking building. It's all populated with tough-looking, well-armed badasses.

Tropic Thunder 50. CODY AND FOUR LEAF, both hog-tied and unconscious, are marched through the courtyard, and into a building.

INT. FLAMING DRAGON COMPOUND - COMMAND CENTER

We are behind the back of the person who is in charge. In         front of him, we see workers busily manufacturing tar heroin, in a sweatshop like atmosphere. A cadre of guerilla fighters domes in, sweaty and tired. The Lieutenant steps to the fore -- this is BYONG. He's         badly shaken.

BYONG The Unseen Leader shakes. his head.

UNSEEN LEADER .

BYONG

UNSEEN LEADER. .

EXT. BAMBOO FOREST -- DAY

The actors are slogging along, through a tall thicket of         bamboo. They look exhausted -- except for Speedman, who always manages to look like.a.movie star.

PORTNOY So... we're just supposed to keep walking?

SPEEDMAN We'll see some action soon enough. And try to stay in character. We're on         camera..

PORTNOY What do you mean "soon"?

,I Tropic Thunder 51.

SPEEDMAN Whenever Damien decides it's time, I         guess.

PORTNOY When's that?

SPEEDMAN I don't know. That's the whole point. Damien wants us tired and confused.

REDYKULOUS Yeah, well I'm definitely qualifying for those objectives. Everyone chimes in -- they all need a break. Lazarus notices the mutinous vibe and smiles.

SPEEDMAN Fine, fine. Okay, let's take a break, but be on the lookout for anything. Charlie doesn't care if you're on a break or not. Speedman plunks down and opens the map. He seems puzzled. Lazarus eyes him suspiciously. Sandusky walks off to take a leak. Lazarus then watches him go. Off to the side, Sandusky starts to pee. He hears something rustle next to him.

LAZARUS (O.S.) Psst. Hey. Sandusky turns to see Lazarus peeing uncomfortably close to him.

LAZARUS Speedman is watching. I don't have much time. I don't really need to piss. I         need to talk to you. You went to the boot camp Sandusky, right? You can read that map?

SANDUSKY Yeah...

LAZARUS Good, good. Speedman is a tosser. That hoor's melt really thinks this is a         movie. And he's got the lot of ya         convinced.

Tropic Thunder 52.

SANDUSKY You saying you don'tithink they're         filming us?

I

LAZARUS Of course not! It's only a matter of         time before he walks us into more mines or more of whoever the hell was shootin', at us. That muppet's going to get us all killed. I need to convince everyone.to         turn around, but I .can't do it without the map. You're the only one who can read it. Can I count on you?

SANDUSKY Well, yeah, I.guess. But

LAZARUS Good man, Good man. Lazarus makesa big show of pretending he's done peeing, shaking, etc.., and heads back to the group. Speedman eyes Lazarus. What is he up to? Sandusky is just getting comfortable, begins to pee again. He hears another rustle. He turns.to see Speedman, right next to him.

SPEEDMAN I'm gonna level with you, bro. I don't         need to pee. I need to talk to you. Speedman surreptitiously takes out a can of Pymp Sweat and sticks the tip of his Bowie knife into it, to create a red pee.stream.

SPEEDMAN Lazarus is insane. He's freaking out, and. he's gonna.ruin the whole movie for all of us. The men respect you, because you went to boot camp and rehearsal. (patting his shoulder) And you're pretty handy with that map. I         need you on my side, Kyle.

SANDUSKY Kevin.

Tropic Thunder 53.

SPEEDMAN- If you stick with the program, I'm gonna talk to some of the Dreamworks brass... there'll probably be a Teen Choice award in it for you. You have that potential.

SANDUSKY Well, I --

SPEEDMAN Good man. Good man. Speedman rejoins the group, gives Lazarus a cocky look.

EXT. JUNGLE - ELSEWHERE - LATER

The guys continue to trudge along a hugely overgrown path. Speedman machetes through the overgrowth.

SPEEDMAN If we stay on this trajectory we should be reaching the village any minute now. At the end of the line, we hear a few groans emanating from Portnoy.

SPEEDMAN Buck up,, Fats ...we got a long road ahead of us...

PORTNOY

(SICK) No... its just that I don't feel so hot...         I left my medication at the hotel.

REDYKULOUS (to himself, snickering) Yeah, I'd like to check out some of those "meds" for my own self. Lazarus moves up to Speedman.

LAZARUS Look, ya eejit, I mean, if there was a         village don't you think we would have hit it by now?

SPEEDMAN Quit your carping, we're right where we're supposed to be!

Tropic Thunder 54. WHUMP! All of a sudden Speedman disappears out of         frame... We see he has fallen chest deep into the edge of a SLOW

MOVING RIVER.

LAZARUS .(laughing) Hey, Is there a feckin' river on that map? S.pee`dman refers to the'now sopping wet map.

SPEEDMAN Yes! There is! Its just a little more' down to the... lefty-down part from the: village. (checking the scene list) Anyway,. this feels like the Sampan, Boat Raid at the end of the second act.

LAZARUS I don't see a "Sampan" boat!

SPEEDMAN Any second now one should come by. Alright men, into the water! Everyone'except Lazarus reluctantly gets into the water. They all hold their rifles above their heads.

LAZARUS I         - L-et-'-s-stop this-char-ade-,sha-l-l-we? We         need to quit faffin' about and turn. around NOW! And...         Lazarus grabs Sandusky.

LAZARUS Sandusky agrees. with me. Don't you, Sandusky? Kevin is caught, not sure what to d

SPEEDMAN Wait! First of all...         Now Speedman grabs him.

SPEEDMAN Kelvin believes in this movie. And, second, need I remind you,. I am your superior officer.

,. Tropic Thunder 55.

PÂ–º

LAZARUS No, yer an actor. Arid if memory serves, a pretty shite one. The actors react -- Damn! Oh Snap! Shit! Speedman steels' himself.

SPEEDMAN THAT'S THE WAY OUT! That's our only chance!

PORTNOY Yeah, but maybe we should stay here until they send help! Or maybe try to get back to the hotel.

SPEEDMAN Help from where! Need I remind you that Damien's orders were to -- (right at Lazarus) --stay in character. (to the guys) Now, I already have an international box office presence, but for some of you, I'm         guessing you might not want to screw this movie up! This actually seems to affect the actors. Lazarus can't         believe it.

SPEEDMAN .okay...C'mon, boys! This way. Let's go         get those Viet Congs! Lazarus throws down his gun. He's had it.

LAZARUS Jay-sus Fuck! It's Viet Cona! Not Viet Congs! Viet Cong, you plunker! And, hey, if you're so sure of yourself, why don't         you let Kelvin have a look at the map?! Kevin doesn't know what to do -- he doesn't want to get in the middle of this. Speedman continues to be the tough guy.

SPEEDMAN Be my guest. Speedman hands over the soggy map. Kevin looks. After a         long beat...

Tropic Thunder 56.

SANDUSKY We've been going the wrong way. 'We were supposed to be doing this: Sandusky traces his finger along the correct route -- a         clearly marked, northward arrow.

SANDUSKY instead, we did this. i I ï¿½1d Iv I. 11M% Sandusky draws a line due East --..into a. section of the. map clearly marked with scary skull and cross-bone type 14 % warnings.

PORTNOY (holding his stomach) Oh, man, this is not' cool, this is not cool at all. Speedman grabs the map back from Sandusky.

SPEEDMAN I can't believe you people!. You're         pussing out on me? We are supposed to be         a unit!

LAZARUS No one is "pussing out." They just prefer not. to die.out here. Sandusky, can you get'us back to the landing zone without the map?

SANDUSKY It might be tricky, but maybe.

LAZARUS Okay, which is it, gentlemen? Playin' war with Mister Box Office? Or staying alive?

SPEEDMAN Unbelievable!. Are you guys really gonna abandon this movie? A long tense. beat -- finally, Sandusky walks towards Lazarus. Everyone follows him. Speedman looks stunned. After a moment, he shakes his head and begins crossing the river, holding his rifle with both hands over his head.

,. Tropic Thunder 57.

SPEEDMAN So that's the way it,,is, huh? Fine! I'll         finish the movie alone! (turns to Lazarus, under his

BREATH)         And when I give my acceptance speech,          I'll be sure to thank you, Lazarus, for          staying out of that scene. And come Oscar          night, we'll see who feels a little "full          retard"!          He reaches the other side of the river.

SANDUSKY Chris, You have no idea where you're         going!

SPEEDMAN Yeah, I do! (consulting the scene list) I'm going to "EX'S. JUNGLE. DUSK. FOUR         LEAF PINNED DOWN AND ALONE". And, I can shoot it alone. They'watch him trudge into the foliage. U2'S "BULLET THE BLUE SKY" comes up as the men watch Speedman disappear...

EXT. MOUNTAINOUS JUNGLE -- SUPER WIDE -- DUSK

We slowly push in on a lone figure silhouetted against the purple sky, trudging along the top of a trail to         nowhere.

CLOSER Speedman walks through the scary jungle, exhausted. He is         tired, lonely and hungry. The jungle is making all sorts of terrifying noises. Finally he stops and regards the treeline.

SPEEDMAN DORF!...CODY?!...What's the deal with a         meal break? Are they gonna chopper stuff in later on? I don't wanna be a prima donna or anything, but, we gotta eat, right?

(PAUSE) Damien?

P- 'Tropic Thunder 58. Clearly no answer. He trudges a bit further finally 'plunking down.by the trunk of a huge tree. ,         He empties his pack, within which is the gift bag.from his.agent. He 'surveys his wares: An i-pod. Nano, an In         Style magazine, a neck pillow, Cherry Chapstick, a,          tonight--show baseball hat, some packets of equal, and an          unopened "MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS' DVD.

EXT. JUNGLE -,DUSK

Our Guys, led by Lazarus, are humping through a dense section of jungle. Portnoy is beginning to make all sorts of pained and horrible noises.

PORTNOY Uhhh... .UHHHHHHHH.

(PAUSE) Ohhhhh-Maaaaaaannn...I'm cold. It's

FREEEZING..

REDYKULOUS

WOULD YOU PAH-LEEZE.SHUT THE FUCK UP!-

PORTNOY (after a beat) Ohhh GOD! Is'anybody BOILING!? It's like a sweat lodge out here!

LAZARUS Make a note gentlemen,. unwittingly, Jeffrey Portnoy is joining the proud ranks of those of us who have suffered for art. (to Portnoy) A new frontier for you, Funny Man. When this is all over, you might have more than flatulence to offer an audience. Portnoy looks a little hurt.

REDYKULOUS You know what? I think I actually liked you better when you were a nigga.

LAZARUS You know, Redykulous', I respect what it         is you do, the rapping, the rhyme-talking -- invented by the Irish I might add.

(MORE)

Tropic Thunder 59. LAZARUS (cont'd)         Yet you ooze this hostility towards me. Why do you think that-is?

REDYKULOUS "Why"?! I dunno...maybe because they had one good part for a black man in this movie and they gave it to a white guy.

LAZARUS Oh...I see...Put another way -- you're         mad because I can act "black" better than you can.

SANDUSKY Take it easy guys...

REDYKULOUS (to Sandusky) You better rein in 'black like me' over here, before I put a foot in his white ass...

LAZARUS Niggaz always got to be niggaz. This is truly over the line. Redykulous lunges at         Lazarus. They fight. Redykulous throws a wide punch, that Lazarus deftly avoids, that hooks Portnoy right in the jaw. Sandusky jumps in and pries them apart.

SANDUSKY Okay! That's enough! Jesus Christ! It's         not enough we have people shooting at us! Now we have to kill each other?! Let's         pull it together! This place is full of         land mines! Or doesn't anyone's sense memory recall our director being blown up by onel? That shut them up.

LAZARUS Sandusky is right... we could all learn a         little from his common sense approach. From now on we walk Indian style, footstep upon footstep. Sandusky. . .you take first position. He breaks off a branch, and hands it to Sandusky, and pushes him out front. Sandusky gives him a look.

Tropic Thunder 60.

LAZARUS Your bravery shames us. Sandusky reluctantly starts down the path, tapping for land mines with the branch. The guys follow at a VERY safe distance. EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT AM l u I, I nhy CLOSE. ON Speedman's face. After a beat.a drop of water hits him in the.forehead. Then another. PULL BACK to reveal a pathetic shelter made. out of         headphone. wire, and the In Style magazine.' The drip-is now becoming full on RAIN. He clutches an Equal packet and. the Cherry Chapstick. Gently, he puts the chapstick-to his face and takes a         tentative bite, as though he were eating human flesh. He         then tears open the Equal packet and empties its contents into his hand,.and takes. a lick, savoring every granule. He hears a rustling in the bushes across from him. A         rodent? Food? Excited, he pulls out his Bowie knife and begins to stalk his prey. Now another movement behind.the bush, and a flash of. fur...         Stealthily, he moves towards it. With cat like quickness, and knife drawn, he lunges onto the bush, A HUGE ROAR is         heard...

QUICK SHOTS OF: FANGS, BLOOD, AN EYEBALL, A HUGE PAW... Speedman is slashed, SOMETHING has got him in a choke hold... He reels around screaming.and stabbing wildly, brutally pummeling his attacker. He is. covered in blood, but looks ecstatic.

SPEEDMAN Die! Die, you son of a bitch! Die! Speedman deals a death blow. And unleashes a primal VICTORY SCREAM. Spent, he finally gets a good look at         his victim: A.small, cute, cuddly PANDA...         Speedman looks horrified...

,i ,Tropic Thunder 61.

I" 1         FLASH on a SERIES OF STILLS from SPEEDMAN'S PANDA PHOTO

SHOOT...         He stumbles back against a tree. Suddenly we hear an odd VIBRATING SOUND. He jumps, and - frantically jams his hands in his pants it is the forgotten satellite phone he hid there way back when.

CLOSE ON PHONE -- CALLER ID SAYS "RICK PECK" Speedman answers...

INT. AGENCY OFFICE -- L.A. --DAY

Rick is on a Pilates machine in is office with a HOT PILATES INSTRUCTOR working him out.

RICK I got the personal attache of Bien Den Phu's ambassador to the United Nations of         America delivering a TiVo directly to          your bedroom. But the bad news is you gotta sit down and have monkey brains with him or some ceremonial shit for the local paper.

WE INTERCUT BETWEEN THEM

SPEEDMAN

(FREAKED) I killed one rick. The thing I love more than anything in the world...

RICK A hooker? You killed a hooker? Calm down, it's fine. This is a no-brainer. Thank GOD you're out of the country.

SPEEDMAN No! A Panda! I killed a panda!

RICK You WHAT? Uhy. Heavy shit National Park. Oh jeesus...take a breath.. .did anybody see you?

SPEEDMAN

YOU HAVE TO HELP ME RICK!

Tropic Thunder 62.

RICK Chill zone, buddy, 1im thinking. Did anyone see you do this?

I

SPEEDMAN I don't think so. I'm out in.the bush. Alone.

RICK Alright. Listen to me. I want.you to.get your hands on some-bleach, some hydrogen peroxide and some lime. Your gonna wanna cut the body in quarters ... the femurs are gonna be a bitch... that's normal... Speedman'nods eagerly, absorbing it all, not noticing a

PIANO. WIRE BEING SLIPPED AROUND HIS NECK... Suddenly, he'is being choked.-He drops the phone, gasping for.air...

RICK (O.S.) Chris? Breathe.! It's gonna be ok.. I'm         calling that publicist right now, the one J Lo hired when she was'hammered and killed that kid with her Jetski. A guerilla shoots the phone. They quickly tie Speedman.up         and whisk him'off into the jungle.

EXT. FLAMING DRAGON COMPOUND -- DAWN

Speedman is being led through the courtyard in:shackles. He looks up to the guard towers. There are security cameras everywhere. In Speedman''s         mind, movie cameras. He nods, into it.

SPEEDMAN (under his breath) Alright. P.O.W camp. Scene 67..Bring it         on Dorf.

INT. CODY AND FOUR LEAF'S DETENTION HUT

Cody is just coming to. Four Leaf is already at the slatted window, watching...

CODY Where are we?

Tropic Thunder 63.

FOUR LEAF In a detention hut. And they got Speedman...

FOUR LEAF'S P.O.V. -- A guard shoves Speedman hard with a rifle butt. Speedman over "acts" the pain.

BACK ON CODY AND FOUR LEAF Cody gets up, starting to freak out

CODY What? Why? We gotta get outta here! Are they gonna kill us? Four Leaf turns on him, grabbing him with one of his hooks.

FOUR LEAF Pull it together private! Shut your trap before you get us killed! You understand me, lilydick? !         Cody backs off, still scared.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM -- LATER

Speedman is in a windowless hut, his feet and hands tied to a chair. There are security cameras in the corners of the room, which Speedman continually plays to. Byong stands across from him, watching him calmly.

A

BYONG What were you doing in our poppy fields?

SPEEDMAN

(CONFUSED) Poppy fields?

BYONG Who sent you here?

SPEEDMAN

("ACTING") Corporal Four Leaf Tayback...Serial number 694529987.

'Tropic Thunder 64.

BYONG

(CALMLY) Perhaps some hot tea will make conversing. a little easier?

SPEEDMAN You bastard.

BYONG What? just thought you might like. some...

SPEEDMAN Corporal Four Leaf Tayback. And oh. yeah. . .THIS is from my uncle... SAM! He HEAD BUTTS Byong in the face,. sending him reeling into the back wall. Beat.

SPEEDMAN (under his breath) You.ok? You leaned into it, man.orry.

CUT TO:

EXT. BAMBOO CAGE --.DAY

A pissed off Byong and a couple of guards throw Speedman into a small cage that is suspended by rope over the edge of-a marsh. He looks around, impressed with the production design. He         looks up,.sees another security camera observing him. He         turns it on.

SPEEDMAN May God protect you from the mighty arm of the 51st Tropic Thunder to the end! My         men will seek you out and mete. out a         cruel justice!- Byong and the guards look at him, a bit confused.

CUT TO:

EXT. RICE PADDY -- DAY

Looking up we see a circle of faces. Our guys, looking down on something awful.. . .that thing is:

Tropic Thunder 65. PORTNOY, delirious and groaningt

SANDUSKY I think he's dead. A wet fart seeps out of Portnoy.

REDYKULOUS No. Just smells like hens dead. Smelled

44M like that all night.

LAZARUS What's wrong with him?

PORTNOY

(LYING) Nothing! Probably just the beginning stages of some ... . kinda...jungle fever. More bad noises.

PORTNOY If we can work out some rig to carry mï¿½? I         think it might subside in a little bit...          No one touches him.

LAZARUS Alright. Sandusky? Sandusky looks up at him. Is he serious?

SANDUSKY What?

LAZARUS You and Redykulous are gonna have to         carry Portnoy. God help you. He marches off.

SANDUSKY God help me?

REDYKULOUS God help him that bitch ever find his blackface minstrel show ass alone with me         in the real world. Redykulous and Sandusky shake their heads and gather up         Portnoy on a make shift stretcher.

Tropic Thunder 66.

EXT. HILLTOP

Our guys are humping, with Fats in the makeshift stretcher. They look exhausted. As they crest. the ridge, Redykulous spots something. ''I, I n n4ï¿½N11

REDYKULOUS Look! From behind, Sandusky grabs him and forces him to the ground.

SANDUSKY SHH! Everybody down! The guys hit the dirt. Lazarus crawls up to join them. He pulls out his binoculars, and surveys the scene.

I

BINOCULAR POV It is the Flaming Dragon compound...

ON THE GUYS

" LAZARUS         Fook me! I knew it!

-SANDUSKY Knew what?

LAZARUS "EXT. P.O.W. PRISON CAMP -- DAY"! Oranges and Lemons,,, the bells of St. Clements. Speedman was right. We 'are shooting the movie. Sandusky grabs the binoculars and starts'looking...

LAZARUS (to himself), How could I be so stupid.

SANDUSKY I don't think so... . looks to me like some sort of heroin processing plant. Look at         the cooking vats, and the guards. Sandusky continues looking through the binoculars.

Tropic Thunder 67.

LAZARUS How do you know all,this?

SANDUSKY It was a long trip. I read the in-flight magazine. We're in the Golden Triangle, the biggest drug producer in the world. Uh-oh.

BINOCULAR POV It is SPEEDMAN, who is being dipped in and out of the water in his bamboo cage, while a bunch of guards stand around and laugh. Whenever he comes up for air, he is

YELLING:

SPEEDMAN

CUT!1 (into the water, then out)

CUT1!

BACK TO 'SCENE

LAZARUS What do you see?

SANDUSKY It doesn't look good. Lazarus grabs the binoculars.

LAZARUS Sweet Mother of Jaysus. Suddenly: GUNFIRE ERUPTS ALL AROUND! A BAND OF GUERILLAS have spotted them and are running at         them, firing automatic weapons... The guys scream, and start a frantic retreat down the hill. Portnoy suddenly gets well enough to run out of his stretcher for dear life...         In fact, he is actually beating them down the hill.. .when suddenly WHUMP! He falls into a PIT!

PORTNOY

HELP! GUYS! WAIT! REDYKULOUS stops and turns around and runs back to him, heroically pulling him out. BUT...

Tropic Thunder 68. There is more fire coming all around. He gives up, reverses tactics, and starts KICKING PORTNOY IN THE CHEST, trying to KICK HIM INTO THE HOLE !

11

PORTNOY Ow! Fuck Dude! What the fuck?! He screams in pain! Finally, WHUMP!! He disappears into the'hole. REDYKULOUS whistles for the guys to join him, and they all pile into the hole.

IN, THE HOLE Totally black... . they huddle, trying to muffle their heavy breathing...

ABOVE. THE HOLE The guerillas all frantically look around for the guys. No sign of them. One of them signals for them to keep moving.

HOLE Footsteps can be heard above leaving the area. Sandusky lights a match. Portnoy is weeping in pain.

SANDUSKY Must be one of those underground tunnels. The-cou-ntr-y-is-l-itte-red-with them. Je-f-f must have found one of the entrances,:. Portnoy is on his side in pain, whimpering.

PORTNOY My ass...I think I took one in the ass...

SANDUSKY Lemme see... Sandusky rolls him.over, and off camera, helps him remove his pants... All the guys recoil in horror.

REDYKULOUS

AWW JEEESUS MAN!

SANDUSKY How did it get infected so fast? More ad libs of disgust...

Tropic Thunder 69.

SANDUSKY' Okay Jeff...This is gonna hurt like hell, but I have to take my finger and see how deep the slug is, and if I can dig it         out. Take a breath. Redykulous, hold his hand...         Beat... Sandusky puts his hand off camera.

I

PORTNOY Hey Dude! What are you doing! Cut it         out! That's not the bullet hole. The bullet hole is over here! It dawns on the guys that they have NOT been looking at         the bullet hole. Ad-libs of even MORE disgust.

SANDUSKY OH! my bad. You just got grazed. You're         gonna be fine.

EXT. BAMBOO CAGE -- DAY

Speedman is exhausted, slumped in his cage. He is covered in a few leeches. Byong appears with his usual cadre of         guards. He nods, and they grab Speedman, and drag him out of the cage.

EXT. FLAMING DRAGON HQ - COURTYARD

Byong leads Speedman to the center of the courtyard. A         HUSH falls over the soldiers. They begin to part, as someone very important is         arriving. Finally, the unseen leader emerges. He is a LITTLE BOY, no older than 12 years old, but has the eyes of a killer. He smokes a cigar. This is TRAN. He stops in front of Speedman, staring him down. Then, in         a show of alpha male dominance, he tears his shirt off, revealing an impressive set of gruesome tattoos -- a         flaming dragon raping a monkey, raping a skull, raping a          rat. He holds a stick.

SPEEDMAN

(WARILY) Uhhh..I don't think I got the new pages...

Tropic Thunder 70.

TRAN

YOU ARE A TRESPASSER IN MY POPPY FIELDS!

YOU ARE D.E.A. SCUM! WE HAVE SHOT DOWN

YOUR HELICOPTER, AND SOON WE WILL KILL

YOUR COMPATRIOTS!. Tran points across the courtyard where...         A"4 Iv I. InM y          CODY AND FOUR LEAF ARE MARCHED OUT. Cody looks scared out.          of his mind. Speedman takes this in.          Traci nods, and TWO GUARDS start to BEAT THE BEJEESUS out          of Cody and Four Leaf. Then Tran gets out his own stick          and starts to BEAT SPEEDMAN...

TRAN

DO YOU WANT THEM TO DIE? DO YOU WANT THEM

TO DIE!!

SPEEDMAN No! Puh-Puh-pulease don't h-h-h-hurt them... I         Tran cocks his head curiously. He stops beating him..He         signals.for the guards to stop beating the others. A long beat.

TRAN Say that. again.,

SPEEDMAN Please don't hurt them?I

TRAN No...like you did before! Silence.

TRAN

SAY IT! He threatens to hit him, Speedman recoils.

SPEEDMAN Puh-puh-puhlease don't h-h-hurt them? A hush falls over the crowd. Tran'seyes widen.

TRAN

NAYAM NOOK SNEP JAWK! (louder, to the crowd)

NAYAM NOOK SNEP JAWK!!

Tropic Thunder 71.

IP 1

INT. TRAN'S QUARTERS -- DAY

Speedman is now seated in a comfortable, ornate chair, though his feet and hands are still bound. Tran and Byong and a few cohorts, stand across from him, whispering.

TRAN'S ENTOURAGE Nyam nook snep jawk...

SPEEDMAN Please! Excuse me, What are you saying?

TRAN Nyam nook snep Jawk! (almost shyly) You are Simple Jack?

SPEEDMAN What? You.. You saw Simple Jack?

TRAN We love the tale of this man, Simple Jack. Tran snaps his fingers, and an assistant shows Speedman a         battered VHS BOX OF SIMPLE JACK. Speedman looks lovingly at it.

TRAN We do not have many luxury here. Simple Jack is the only movie we possess. We         have watched it many, many times. How is         the word? Genius? Speedman smiles big. They smile back at him. It's a         small world after all.

BODYGUARD (broken English) You should have got Oscar.

SPEEDMAN Thanks. I mean even just the nomination...

TRAN You were nominated?

Tropic Thunder 72.

SPEEDMAN No, I mean it is great to.be nominated,.. if you are, or that's what I hear. Whatever. It's a popularity contest. It's totally political, you have to lobby for like a year for it...

TRAM SHUT UP NOW. ilia i n nMd

(BEAT) My apologies for almost.beating you to         death before.

SPEEDMAN No problem. So are you going to let me         go?

TRAN No. We will hold.you,for ransom.--.much more money now.. He pulls out a cell phone.

TRAM Is it possible to.have picture?

SPEEDMAN Oh, sure, absolutely. Speedman tries to throw an arm around Tran, a guard grabs the arm., and twists it back. Speedman shrieks in pain.

TRAN You mustn't touch me. The guard snaps the picture.

ABODYGUARD That came out really good.

EXT. FLAMING DRAGON COURTYARD -- NIGHT

The entire camp is assembled. Guards lead Speedman onto a         platform; behind Tran.

TRAM The people CHEER some more. Tran turns to Speedman.

Tropic Thunder 73.

TRAN Now, do the movie.

SPEEDMAN Excuse me?

TRAN Do the movie.

SPEEDMAN The whole movie?

TRAN Yes. Begin.

SPEEDMAN Hey, I know you're big fans and that's

GREAT-- Tran smacks Speedman in the, head with a rifle butt. Speedman crumples to the ground. The crowd cheers.

SPEEDMAN

OW!! Tran stands over him, screaming into his face:

TRAN

YOU WILL PERFORM, DO YOU UNDERSTAND??

YOU WILL PERFORM OR DIE11! MONKEY-

SWINE!1 Speedman gets up, begins a scared, unenthusiastic

PERFORMANCE:

SPEEDMAN Aww, puh-puh-Pa! Whu-why you guh-got to         muh-muh-make ffffffun of me?

TRAN More stupid!

SPEEDMAN Awww, puh-puh-paaaa... Tran turns to one of his men

TRAN Get him some overalls! And give him the Simple Jack haircut!

CUT TO:

Tropic Thunder 74.

EXT. HOLE -- DUSK

Sand}asky slowly lifts his head out, surveying the territory. It looks clear. He drops back down.

INT. HOLE -- DUSK

The actors look miserable. Portnoy-looks.like his face is         going to fall off

SANDUSKY It looks clear, but I can't be sure. I         say we stay in here till it's dark.

REDYKULOUS I can't believe this is how it ends for Redykulous. I'm a triple platinum recording artist., Shit.

PORTNOY (shivering and wheezing) I gotta get back to the hotel. I'm not gonna make.it...

SANDUSKY Forget it. That guard patrol knows we're         out'here. They'll be looking for us. Anyway, Speedman's in that compound. And no one else knows but us.

LAZARUS That's right. So here's the plan. Everyone leans forward expectantly.

LAZARUS We sneak out of here, make our way back to the hotel and once we're safe, we         alert the government of Speedman's          situation.

REDYKULOUS Sounds good.

SANDUSKY Whoa whoa whoa ... . wait! So, we're just gonna leave him here?

Tropic Thunder 75.

REDYKULOUS Yeah, and I don't wanna spend another minute getting the full on smell'o vision in this hole with his stinky ass. Everyone agrees. They start packing up. Sandusky looks horrified. SANDUSKY Au II4 WAIT! Look, I don't think I've met a more wildly self involved human than Speedman, but you're just gonna leave him here? I         mean, come on. He's a person, guys. These drug lords are killers. I mean, they eat their enemies. We leave him alone now, he doesn't have a chance in         hell.

LAZARUS, That tosser is in there because of his own stupidity. As far as I'm concerned, he brought it on himself.

REDYKULOUS Besides, how could we possibly rescue him? Get real, Sandusky, we don't know what the fuck we doing out here.

SANDUSKY We've gotten this far. Look, we're making a movie about one of the greatest rescues ever. It's a true story,, right? I mean, those guys weren't superheroes! They were just put in extra-ordinary circumstances, and they rose to the occasion.

PORTNOY Yeah, but they were trained soldiers. They knew how to take care of themselves.

SANDUSKY And we don't? They believed they could do         it. They believed in each other. Look, I'm not saying it's gonna be easy.

(BEAT) I mean, some of us might not come back.

REDYKULOUS You mean, like, not on the same flight? Sandusky just looks at them. They know that is not what he meant.

Tropic Thunder 76.

PORTNOY

I NEED MY DRUGS!

SANDUSKY Jeff -- I know this is really hard for you,.â€¢but you're gonna have to kick some time, and it might as well be now. (he turns to Lazarus) Kirk, I've always admired you as an         actor. But as a person, I have to say, not that impressive.' You got a.few Oscars. Got any balls? Lazarus takes this in.

SANDUSKY Redyk. Whadda.you say? You talk a good game, but how's it gonna feel when you're         sipping Cristalle with your homies.in the hot tub back in.Cali knowing you left.a         man to die back here? You gonna rhyme about that? ,         There is a long beat.

REDYKULOUS Shit. I only wish they was filming this for my show. I'm in. He looks to LazaruS.,Lazarus takes a long dramatic pause.. Then...

LAZARUS (with resolve) We could fooster about for donkey's         years..Let:'s quit acting the maggot and nix that mentaller. The guys look at each other. What did that mean?

LAZARUS. I'm in!

CUT TO:

INT. AGENCY OFFICE.- LOS ANGELES --DAY

Peck squeezes a stressball as his HOT YOUNG ASSISTANT comes in.

HOT YOUNG ASSISTANT Chris Michael is on the line.

Tropic Thunder 77.

RICK (he hits a button) Chris? What is this craziness?

SPEEDMAN (V.0.) Hi, Rick. It's Chris--

INT. FLAMING DRAGON COMPOUND - COMMAND CENTER

Byong presses pause on a tape recorder he's holding up to         Chris's satellite phone. Tran watches, very serious.

RICK (O.S.) Chris?

WE INTERCUT BETWEEN THEM

BYON G         Yes, that was Chris. But you will not speak with him again. And do not bother trying to trace this call.

RICK What's going on? Who is this?

BYONG We are Flaming Dragon. Speedman is with us now. There is a long silence as Rick processes this. Then he         nods slowly.

RICK Oh. Really. Well I never heard of your little agency. But if you wanna poach my         client? Lemme tell you something. His career's been in a death spiral since Simple Jack, so why don't you all go fuck yourselves! Oh, and I bet he hasn't even told you about the whole panda thing! He         killed a panda! And next time you're at         a cocktail party with Paris Hilton, or at          Kate Mantellini's choking down some egg whites with Ron Howard, DON'T LET THAT SLIP, because chances are, I ALREADY DID! Rick slams the phone down.

I         Tropic Thunder 78.

INT. FLAMING DRAGON COMPOUND -'COMMAND CENTER

Byon,g stares at the phone, amazed. He looks to Tran.

TRAN

(BEAT)

EXT. HILLTOP -- NIGHT

Up on the.hill., our guys. are back up top, watching Speedman through binoculars.

BINOCULAR POV.-- FLAMING DRAGON COURTYARD Speedman is acting like Simple Jack, with his new bad haircut.,He is performing for a small group, of chuckling. GUARpS.

EXT. HILLTOP -- NIGHT

LAZARUS Jaysus! We're too late. They brained him! REDYKULOUS grabs the binoculars. Sees for himself.

REDYKULOUS He's right, man, that ain't right. Messin' with a man's brain.

SANDUSKY We gotta get him outta there...

EXT. HILLTOP -- NIGHT -- LATER

The guys have set up a camp, with.a small fire. Everyone watches as Sandusky diagrams a plan in the dirt.

SANDUSKY' Here's us. Here's the compound.Here's         where Speedman was. It looks like they move him at night, cause he's not here now. Unfortunately we have no idea what the layout of that place is.

(MORE)

Tropic Thunder 79. SANDUSKY (cont'd)         But Speedman does. If we can get in         there, and find him, maybe he can help us          sneak him out.

PORTNOY (sweating and in pain) I got an idea. Everyone turns to Portnoy.

11 N 0 6 III4"

PORTNOY It might be a little crazy, but...

REDYKULOUS Crazy is better than nothin'.

SANDUSKY What is it?

PORTNOY (intermittent pain noises) Back in '98, I did a low budget titty comedy for skinemax, "Sex Camp". Anyway, me and the campers from the uncool camp had to break into the rich girls' camp. So we did it by building a catapult. They shot us over the wall and we         parachuted down. The guys all look at each other... then finally:

LAZARUS That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.

SANDUSKY Yeah. Sorry Portnoy. That's lame. I say we wait till just before dawn and sneak over the fence. Take our chances. You guys ok with that? The group nods in approval.

SANDUSKY Good. Then let's get some rest. Me and Redyk are on first watch. (to Lazarus) I'll wake you in two hours, and we'll         switch. They break up. Portnoy comes up to Sandusky, extremely freaked out.

I         Tropic Thunder 80.

PORTNOY I'm not gonna make it.

SANDUSKY Yes you are.

PORTNOY Then you gotta tie me up. I'm serious. Tie me to a tree. No matter how much I         scream, or however much-I plead, you.must not untie me. I will be cunning, I will be in pain, and Iwill lie. The devil works this way. I will say, do, and excrete many regrettable things. But.no         matter what.. .you must leave me alone. Beat..

SANDUSKY Okay.. .Lazarus, you heard him. Tie him up. We'll get you through it.

EXT. FLAMING DRAGON. COMPOUND -- NIGHT

Speedman has now been moved back to the cage. He is doing a "late show" for a crowd of toothless old women. A         bodyguard plays a supporting female role, he wears a mop for a wig.

BODYGUARD (heav-i-l-y-accented Eng-l-is-h) Jack...I could never go         -to the county ho- down with you. I would be laughed out of         town. And what would Chet say? The bodyguards laugh woodenly at Speedman.

SPEEDMAN B-b-b-b-but I am a G-g-g-ggggoood Dd-d-d- d-dancer. Speedman bows, exhausted and exhilarated. The old women .politely applaud. A new group forms in front of his cage. Speedman stands. He sighs, and begins the movie over again...

SPEEDMAN Shu-sure is a puh-puh-purty sssssssunrise, uh-uh-uh-uh-ain't it?

Tropic Thunder 81.

BODYGUARD Go do your chores, slowpoke!!

INT. CODY AND FOUR LEAF'S DETENTION HUT -- CONTINUOUS

Cody and Four Leaf watch through the slat in their window. 11l I I, I. Inti"

FOUR LEAF That poor bastard. Looks like they coo- coo nested him.

CODY

(IMPATIENT) So what's the plan?

FOUR LEAF What plan?

CODY To get us out of here? Come on man, yoi4 lived this, you gotta have an idea of how we can get out of here? Right? Four Leaf looks a little at a loss...

FOUR LEAF (trying to be stoic) Sometimes the flowing stream can only move when... the water... dries up.

CODY No offense, but what the hell does that mean?

FOUR LEAF It means I'm,sick of your yappin'!

CODY Come on man, you heard him back there. They wanna off us! We gotta escape! You

GOTTA-- Four Leaf suddenly puts his hook hand right up to Cody's         neck. Cody instinctively blocks it with his hand.

FOUR LEAF I gotta what? Take on the whole compound by myself!

CODY Stop it man! You're chokin' me!

.Tropic Thunder 82. Cody tries to push him away. They get into a wrestling match, hand to hook... Cody is pushing against Four Leaf... then four Leaf tries to pull away.. But Cody holds on to his hooks... he holds on until... HE PULLS THEM OFF! Revealing... TWO PERFECT HANDS.

CODY AHH! Who the hell are you? Four Leaf looks down, sheepishly.

EXT. CAMPSITE -- NIGHT

PORTNOY,. tied to a tree, looking miserable and fidgety.. We TRACK PAST HIM to... SANDUSKY AND.REDYKULOUS, who sit upright, back to back, leaning against one another. Sandusky smokes a         cigarette. It's quiet except for the hum of cicadas, and. the odd jungle noise.

SANDUSKY Wow... .look at all those stars. Makes a         guy feel pretty small.

REDYKULOUS Yup.

SANDUSKY Back in LA, we don't get stars like this. I wonder why there are so many here?

PORTNOY (O.S.) Ohhhh...jeeesssusss..it's horrrrible.:...

REDYKULOUS Man, how can;, you be talking about stars? We might not make it outta here tomorrow.

SANDUSKY I don't know. I give us pretty good odds. Redykulous looks at'his watch, and lets out a chuckle.

SANDUSKY What's so funny?

REDYKULOUS Nothin'..

PORTNOY (O.S.) .I can't feel my legs!...

'tropic Thunder 83.

I" 1

REDYKULOUS I'm just thinking about Lill Kantankerous Bitch.

SANDUSKY Who?

PORTNOY (O.S.)

(DRY HEAVES)

REDYKULOUS She's a rapper I'm producing, a twelve year old girl. Her first single drops tomorrow and I'm not even gonna be there to see it.

PORTNOY (O.S.) Ohhhhh GOD! THERE'S BARBED WIRE IN MY

URINE!

REDYKULOUS I pulled her off the streets six months ago.

SANDUSKY You did that?

REDYKULOUS Well, not literally, she was trapped in a         dead end record deal with Rick Rubin. Didn't even have a lawyer. Huh. And here I am on the other side of the world. About to die for a guy I barely even know. Makes Redykulous wonder what's it         all about.

SANDUSKY Yeah. . .well at least you have someone to         think about.

PORTNOY (O.S.)

(TTTTTHHHHWWAAAAAPPP... GURGLE)

REDYKULOUS You single?

SANDUSKY Yeah,... .I guess. I dunno. I got a girl. But it's not too serious.

PORTNOY (O.S.)

(FFFAAAARRRRTTT... . FFFAAAARRRTTTT)

Tropic Thunder 84.

PORTNOY (O.S.)

MY EYES! SOMEONE RIP OUT MY FUCKING

EYES!!!! (VOMITING NOISE)

SANDUSKY I don't think we're in love.

PORTNOY (O.S.) Ohh... . thank God...its Over ...it's         finally over...

SANDUSKY: It'.s kind of depressing. That feeling of         not having anyone who really loves you.. Redykuloils. puts his arm around Sandusky to comfort him..

REDYKULOUS Hey, it's cool.. I think you're extremely lovable. Weird silence.

SANDUSKY What?

REDYKULOUS (removing his arm) I mean like ...like,. I know what you mean. I have love problems myself!

PORTNOY.(O.S.)

OH-H-GOD-! ITS--NOT-OVER!

SANDUSKY .No you don't. What would the great Redykulous, know about Girl Problems. You're ten girls deep 24 hours a day!

REDYKULOUS .That's the problem. Silence.

SANDUSKY How do you mean?

PORTNOY (O.S.)

(HUGE FART, BELCH VOMIT!)

Tropic Thunder 85.

PORTNOY (O.S.) OHH GOOD!!!1 make it         stop! ... .Pahllleeeeeese!

REDYKULOUS Jeesus, I can't believe I'm gonna tell you this...         Beat.

REDYKULOUS I'm... .I like guys.

SANDUSKY What? But...

PORTNOY (O.S.) Ohh...phew...

REDYKULOUS I know-impossible huh. That's what I         say sometimes, but its true. Talk abort living a loveless life. At least you have someone who loves you. I don't even have that.

PORTNOY (O.S.) (THE SOUND OF GIVING BIRTH... then:)

OH MY GOD. MY SKIN IS A MILLION PIECES OF

SHATTERED GLASS RUBBING AGAINST AN OPEN

WOUND!

REDYKULOUS When I think of the nights, alone in my         penthouse, when I've longed for the gentle touch of another dude, to feel his skin against mine, or his sweet breath on         my face.

PORTNOY (O.S.)

(LOUD SNORING)

SANDUSKY All this from the same guy who wrote"Niggaz Gotta Bust a Nut on a Ho".

PORTNOY (O.S.)

(LOUD VOMITING)

REDYKULOUS Yeah, well, let me let you in on a big secret.

(MORE)

.Tropic Thunder 86. REDYKULOUS,(cont'd)         Most of the time, when I'm writing about ho's in my songs, 'I really mean Niggaz. Creatively, that's the only way I can cope.

SANDUSKY So what! You're gay! You're also a great artist and-businessman ... why not rap about that? ï¿½u IÂ° I. 11ï¿½jm

REDYKULOUS Yeah right. And watch my clothing line, e4ï¿½ sports drink,jewelry, nutrition, bars, and fragrances go south? It's all such a         lie. Now he begins to cry .a. little. Sandusky embraces him.

SANDUSKY. Shhh...shhh... .shhh..shhh..shhh... .That's         it...let it out.

PORTNOY (O.S.)

(LOUD VOMITING)

REDYKULOUS (muffled, crying in his

SHOULDER)         If you tell anyone I'll have someone          shoot your. ass.

SANDUSKY I'm not gonna tell anyone, and your not gonna shoot me... .th-at's it...l-et -tout. Redykulous pulls back, and collects himself.

REDYKULOUS Aww shit... (sniff sniff) I can't. believe it's possibly the last day of my life, and I'm not even gonna be able to let my         fans know how truly 'Utterly Redykulous I          really am.

SANDUSKY (with total sincerity) Listen, I know how utterly Redykulous you are. Even for just.thisone moment. . .and sometimes that enough.

PORTNOY (O.S.)

(SOUND LIKE A GALLON OF SQUID BEING

DUMPED INTO AN ALUMINUM PAIL)

I         Tropic Thunder 87.

REDYKULOUS Thanks man.

CUT TO:

INT. CODY AND FOUR LEAF'S DETENTION HUT -- NIGHT

Cody, still awkwardly holding the hooks, is yelling at         Four Leaf.

CODY So all of "Tropic Thunder" is bullshit?

FOUR LEAF No! Four Leaf and his men were real, it         happened!

CODY Are you even a VET!?

FOUR LEAF YES! Well ...no! I mean, kinds! Yeah! Not exactly. I served honorably in what they called the "forced service". Sanitation Detail at the United States Pentagon.

CODY So you were some two bit criminal who got caught and sentenced to clean toilets at         the Pentagon? I IDOLIZED YOU MAN!

FOUR LEAF God-dammit, would you LISTEN! I was a         fuckup, sure, but one day as I was cleaning the office of some Top-Brass big- wig, I came across a file headed for the shredder marked top secret. It was Four Leaf Tayback's file. A nobody. No family. Nothing. Killed in Action. They were gonna bury the whole thing. Total black op.

CODY So you decided to take his identity?

FOUR LEAF NO! I gave him one! I wrote the story And I gave the American people a hero! Yes, I am not technically Four Leaf, but if I didn't pretend to be him then nobody woulda ever known who he was! See what I'm sayin'?

Tropic Thunder 88.

CODY And you cashed in!

FOUR LEAF I was a fuck up my whole life! This guy had a story worth-telling, and nobody woulda ever known! Cody slumps in the corner, looking spent and lost.

FOUR LEAF I'm sorry, man.. I'm responsible: for this .whole mess.

EXT. JUNGLE -- PRE-DAWN

PORTNOY wakes up, still tied to. the tree, looking like shit. But realizes something-that makes him ecstatic:

PORTNOY I'm clean! I'M CLEAN!!!!! He struggles to his feet, doing a celebratory dance. He         immediately gets nauseous again and heaves.

PORTNOY (still sick, but cheery) My ' life .be_gins today!

CUT TO:

CLOSE ON THE FLAMING DRAGON INSIGNIA Pull back to reveal that it is on a piece of paper being pulled from a fax machine. The text below reads: "Flamingg. Dragon has Speedman.lfyou want him, the price is $5O Million." There's a phone number below it. Reveal we're in...

INT. AGENCY OFFICE -- LOS ANGELES -- DAY.

Rick frowns at the fax. His Hot Assistant comes in.

,, Tropic Thunder 89.

HOT YOUNG ASSISTANT Rick, you better check your email. He punches up his email. He opens a video attachment. We

SEE:

ON RICK'S COMPUTER A bad quality video of Speedman sitting in the interrogation room.

BYONG(V.O.) Mr. Rick Peck. So far you have refused to give us the respect we asked for. Maybe this will change your mind. Please state your name.

SPEEDMAN Chris Michael Speedman.

BYONG (V.0.) Who do you work for, Mr. Speedman?

SPEEDMAN Well, I guess that really varies from project to project-- Byong SCREAMS at Speedman, who cowers. Even Rick flinches.

TRAM (V.0.) Wrong answer!! You work for me now!! Do         you understand! Like my desk or my gun, you are mine and you exist for me!!

SPEEDMAN Yes! I work for you!

ON RICK

PECK

(IMPRESSED) He really knows how to handle a client. He hands the assistant the fax.

PECK Get this yutzle on the phone. Now.

Tropic Thunder 90.

I

INT. FLAMING DRAGON COMPOUND -+., COMMAND CENTER

Tran,,and Byong sit by a phone. Byong looks impatient., i         Beat. The phone rings! Byong answers.

BYONG Yes.

INT. RICK PECK'S OFFICE

RICK I saw your 'little fax, Flaming Fuckwads. I bet you thought I was just. going to lie here and take it. Well, wrong! My name is Rick Peck, not Rick Shaw,..and you are not gonna take me.for a ride, you industrious fuck; I don't care who you people think you are, but I am coming. there, and I am going to jack you up! I         am bringing the heavy artillery, my          friend, so you'd better be prepared for a          blood bath.! I am walking out of there with Chris Speedman whether you, or he, likes it or.not! Rick slams down the phone, enjoying himself.

INT. FLAMING DRAGON COMMAND CENTER

Byong and Tran are stunned.

TRAN Byong turns to his lieutenants.

BYONG

Tropic Thunder 91.

INT. RICK PECK'S OFFICE

RICK Shandra, get tech support to put a trace on this email attachment, let's find out where this "Flaming Dragon" agency is! Call the travel department. See if they got a nonstop to Bien-Ben-Wherever-the fuck-it-is!

EXT. FLAMING DRAGON COMPOUND -- PRE DAWN

SERIES OF SHOTS as the guerillas ready for an attack...

EXT. CAMPSITE -- PRE-DAWN

The guys are suiting up for combat. They apply burnt cork to their faces for camouflage.

SANDUSKY This is it. You know what you need to         do.' Tropic Thunder on three, two, one...

GUYS

TROPIC THUNDER! They make their way down the hill.

EXT. FENCE LINE -- PRE-DAWN

They reach the fence. The coast looks clear and they each scamper over...          Finally, it's PORTNOY'S turn. He's clearly too heavy. The fence groans under'his weight. He launches himself -- and...         THWANG!!! Slams painfully into the razor wire of the fence. GUARDS hear the noise. They raise their weapons and listen.. They see nothing in the pre-dawn darkness... The actors run to the wall and clumsily pull PORTNOY down, just in time. Everyone's inside the perimeter... they quickly make their way along the fence line to the entrance of the main building, ducking away to avoid a LONE GUARD.

Tropic Thunder 92.

INT. MAIN BUILDING

Sandusky makes a series of hand gestures, indicating for them to'split up and search for Speedman. A beat. The guys all shrug, not understanding. Sandusky repeats the hand gestures. Finally he has to speak. i 1, 11 11^ï¿½%

SANDUSKY I 4I4 (in a loud whisper, also         signalling what.he's saying) FAN OUT! 'GO ROOM BY ROOM ! IF YOU SEE, nci 16, SPEEDMAN, give the signal! We follow PORTNOY, working his wayldown a hall. He peaks around a half opened door...

A DARKENED ROOM .PORTNOY turns on his flashlight to reveal he is in fact in... HEROIN HEAVEN! Wall to wall packets, ready,for shipment.. PORTNOY is paralyzed. He spots a box with the words "For U.S.A., 100% pure, dilute before ingesting". His mouth LITERALLY waters, and'a drop. of .spittle oozes from his bottom lip. He doesn't know what to do. He         gently takes two handfuls of the heroin from the box. marked "pure". It's like holding two grenades...

HALLWAY Sandusky moves silently toward a door. He kicks it'open to reveal...

SPEEDMAN Shackled to the floor. Delirious, he sits bolt upright.

SPEEDMAN You mu-mu-make me ha-aa-ppy.

SANDUSKY Oh sweet Jesus. Hold tight, Buddy! I'll         be right back! Sandusky runs off to get the guys.

Tropic Thunder 93.

I" 1

HALLWAY Sandusky rounds up Redyk and Lazarus, points to both of         his eyes, signalling that he's got "eyes",on Speedman. They take a step in that direction. Redykulous stops them, and makes a made up, absurd signal for "Where is         Portnoy?", somehow trying to mime looking for a fat guy. No one knbws what he is doing.

REDYKULOUS

(FRUSTRATED) Where is Portnoy?!

SANDUSKY Shhh! A muffled, anguished animal noise that could only be         PORTNOY emanates from a nearby door. They run towards it. Redykulous kicks it in.

HEROIN HEAVEN The 'gang flies in, to discover Portnoy holding the bags, crying.

REDYKULOUS What are you doing, man!

SANDUSKY Come on, let's go! We found Speedmani

PORTNOY I don't care! It doesn't matter what I         do! I'll always be a screw-up! No one will ever respect me...

REDYKULOUS That's not true! Listen, back in the day, I used to think I couldn't produce a         record simply because...

SANDUSKY .he's gay. Uh-oh. That's not what Redykulous was about to say. Beat.

REDYKULOUS Actually I was going to say poor.

SANDUSKY Sorry...

I         Tropic Thunder 94.

LAZARUS Listen.. .Don't be crazy Portnoy --you're         not a fuck up. You'make millions of         people laugh!

PORTNOY You said my farts made them laugh! Leave me ALONE!!

REDYKULOUS., That ain't true Portnoy! Lotta people be         fartin' and not be gettin' 20 large a pop for it!

OUTSIDE THE DOOR .TWO GUARDS hear the noises inside, head. in to check it         out.

HEROIN ROOM The guys hear the guards enter the far side of the room. They can't see the guys through the.shelves packed with heroin packets.

SANDUSKY Damnit! We need to go!

PORTNOY No, I can't do it. (-l-ooking-in the-pac-ket ) I need it! I need it!! This'is all I         deserve.

REDYKULOUS Come on, man...         And.the guards emerge. around a corner! They jab their rifles.at:the guys and SCREAM AT THEM TO PUT THEIR HANDS

UP! The guys all slowly raise their hands... Then, in a moment of craziness, PORTNOY CHARGES THE

GUARDS, PIE-ING THEM IN THE FACE WITH THE HEROIN PACKETS.

PORTNOY

LAUGH AT THAT!! LAUGH AT THAT BASTARD!! The guards let off a BURST OF MACHINE GUN FIRE as Portnoy grinds it into their noses...

Tropic Thunder 95.

INT. CODY AND FOUR LEAF'S DETENTION HUT -- CONTINUOUS

They hear the fire. Four Leaf runs to the window. Through it he sees the commotion...

CODY What?

FOUR LEAF Something's happening! Get me the hooks!

HEROIN ROOM Portnoy watches as the white faced guards fall to their knees, choking and groggy. After a beat, they collapse.

PORTNOY Let's move! We got about sixteen hours before they wake up! They run out.

SPEEDMAN'S CELL The guys run in. Redykulous breaks the lock off Speedman's ankle with his rifle butt. Sandusky keeps watch by the door.,

REDYKULOUS, C'mon! We're busting you out!

SPEEDMAN Muh-my nnnname is Juh-Jack. Some folks call muh-me Simple Juh-Jack.

REDYKULOUS What's wrong with him?

SANDUSKY I think he thinks he's Simple Jack. Like from the movie?

LAZARUS' Shite. I was afraid of this. The same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in "Moonshot". They found me in         an alley in Burbank re-entering the Earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.

Tropic Thunder 96.

REDYKULOUS I heard that movie was good.

SANDUSKY Can you fix him?!

LAZARUS I'll try. Lazarus takes Speedman's face in his hands, forces him to         look at him.

LAZARUS .You're Chris Michael Speedman!

SPEEDMAN Ah 1-1-likes pie.

LAZARUS You're the greatest star in the world! There's a flicker of intelligence in Speedman's eyes. It         passes.

INT. CODYAND FOUR LEAF'S DETENTION HUT -- CONTINUOUS

Four Leaf wedges one of the hooks in the. door jamb, and Cody does the same with the other. In one fell swoop, :they bust. the door off its hinges.

E-X-T. DE-T-EN-T-ION-HU-TDAWN- They emerge into the chaos. IT IS DAYLIGHT NOW. A GUARD runs by, Four Leaf uses the hook to trip him up. Cody knocks him out and grabs his machine gun. He tosses the guard's pistol to Four Leaf.

CODY By the way, what's your name anyway?

FOUR LEAF Marvin Kaminsky.

CODY you ever been in this jungle?

FOUR LEAF Nope. First time outta the states actually. He shoots off a round and they run for cover.

Tropic Thunder 97.

INT. SPEEDMAN'S CELL -- CONTINUOUS

Lazarus is right in Speedman's face. He seems to be         getting clearer...

LAZARUS The world needs you! It` needs its stars! You make people forget how awful and 1ï¿½ I Ii I. 1 ,14M depressing their lives are! People love your work! And... I love your work, too. Speedman is quiet.

SPEEDMAN I         Uhhhh-uh-I'm... Spah-speeedman?

LAZARUS Simple Jack was magnificent!

SANDUSKY Is it working?

LAZARUS JESUS! Give me time, Sandusky! I'm not re- programming a VCR!! (back to Speedman) You really committed yourself. And for that you DESERVED AN OSCAR! Speedman registers this.

LAZARUS

(FRUSTRATED)

C'MON CHRIS! DAMMIT! YOU MUST KNOW WHO

YOU ARE! Lazarus's own words make him stop and think.

LAZARUS (almost to himself) You know who you are... . you do Chris. Long beat.

LAZARUS Unlike me. What am I doing? I can't do         this. How can I convince a man he is who we know he is, when I can't even convince myself of the same thing. He lets go of Speedman, and begins to break down.

Tropic Thunder 98.

REDYKULOUS Yo, c'mon, man! Why is everybody gettin'. so insecure alla a sudden?! You're Kirk Lazarus! You're like the greatest actor in the motherfuckin' world!

SANDUSKY Guys, let's go, we gotta get outta here! I it I. 11h.4%

LAZARUS Am I Redykulous? ... AM I!...Or.am I just acting like that's who I am? No. The sad fact is... I'm not Sergeant Osiris. . .or Father O'Malley ...or' Neil .Armstrong. I'm not even .Kirk Lazarus. (a beat) I have no idea who I am. The guys look at him... it's the first time he has let his guard down.

SANDUSKY Kirk, this is NOT the time!

LAZARUS And I guess when you-do themath... .and boil it all down, I've invented myself so         many times... .became so many people... .that at the end of the.day...I'm

NOBODY.'

REDYKULOUSI Bull-s-hit! Y-ou-l-isten to-me .-.-Y-ou-a-r-e-who you want to be, and you-have to OWN. THAT! Look at me! I'm GAY and, I'm proud! He winks at Sandusky.

REDYKULOUS That's right! We're.not what we're         called, or who we pretend to be. We are what we are in our hearts. And to me, looking into your heart, you're a hero.. Lazarus looks to Redykulous.

LAZARUS You mean that?

REDYKULOUS .Yup.

(BEAT)

(MORE)

'- -Tropic Thunder 99. REDYKULOUS (cont'd)         And one of the finest pieces of black ass I ever seen come out of Belfast. Thera,... from off camera.

SPEEDMAN And I'll second that. They all'turn to see...SPEEDMAN. The million-dollar smile is back!

SPEEDMAN Now let's get the hell outta here! Speedman leads the men to the door. Sandusky tosses Speedman'a machine gun.

SPEEDMAN Thanks Kevin.

SANDUSKY My name...you remembered my name. You gotta show us the way outta here Chris.

SPEEDMAN Follow me. This time they do...

HALLWAY The guys run toward the opening to the courtyard, Speedman leading the way...

EXT. FLAMING DRAGON COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS

They huddle close to the wall, unseen, surveying the situation: about 20 GUARDS on full alert... a JEEP about 30 feet away... beyond that, A HELIPAD with the compound's chopper, maybe 200 yards in the distance...

SPEEDMAN That's their supply chopper.

SANDUSKY If we could create a diversion, we could get to that jeep and drive it right over there...

I         "Ttopic Thunder 100.

PORTNOY Anybody here know how to fly a         helicopter? Cause that would come in, handy too.

SPEEDMAN You want a diversion? I'll give you a         diversion. Is this baby loaded? He holds up the machine gun...

SANDUSKY Yeah, but...         And with'that, Speedman runs out in to the courtyard,.. the opposite direction from the jeep, doing a CRAZY WAR'

WHOOP...         A BUNCH OF GUARDS turns to,see.him... he does a-SUPER MACHO TUCK AND ROLL, landing perfectly and EMPTYING HIS

CARTRIDGE ON. THE GUARDS...

SANDUSKY (to.himself) .they're blanks... There is a long moment of silence as the guards just stare at Speedman. He seems a. bit surprised that. they are not dead,. as do the guards themselves. They cock their weapons, about to shoot him when.,.. A HAIL OF-BULLET FIRE-erupts-behind-the-gu-ards... They turn...WE REVEAL CODY AND FOUR LEAF BEHIND THEM, THEIR

GUNS FIRING INTO THE AIR!!

SANDUSKY Let's move! The.guys jump into the jeep, Sandusky at the wheel, and 'gun it..

SANDUSKY Chris, come.on! Speedman jumps. into the jeep as it passes by. They are speeding toward the helipad.

SPEEDMAN WATCHES FOUR LEAF AND CODY, WHO CONTINUE

SHOOTING AT THE GUARDS...

SPEEDMAN Four Leaf! Effects guy! Come on!!

Tropic Thunder 101. But they can't break away, they-are trying to run toward the jeep but are under too much fire...

SPEEDMAN

WE GOTTA GET THEM, GO AROUND!! Sandusky swings the wheel hard. . .the jeep careens back toward the firefight...they come in hard, and SKID TO A

STOP NEXT TO FOUR LEAF AND CQDY..1. Cody jumps in the jeep, but FOUR LEAF DOESN'T...

SANDUSKY Get in the Jeep!

FOUR LEAF You go... I got real bullets! I'll cover you.. It's the only way you'll make it!

CODY Marvin, you gotta --

FOUR LEAF Just go!! Sandusky looks at Speedman... they both know he's right. They go... leaving Four Leaf in the dust, still firing...         The jeep speeds up to the helipad... the guys jump out. Just as the last guy is out...

BOOM! A HUGE BLAST FLIPS THE JEEP INTO THE AIR...         Across the courtyard is TRAN... who just fired an RPG at         our guys! The guys are freaked and shaken, but start to get in the chopper... Sandusky pushes Cody in...

A

SANDUSKY Start the chopper now Cody! Cody nods, getting his bearings... and hitting the ignition...the BLADES SLOWLY HUM TO LIFE, BEGINNING TO         TURN... Portnoy grabs Cody's gun and hangs by the runner, shooting towards approaching guards...

WHAT WE SEE NEXT SHOULD PLAY OUT VERY MUCH THE SAME AS

THE OPENING OF THE MOVIE: Tran is reloading his RPG...

Tropic Thunder 102. REDYK and LAZARUS GET. IN, and SPEEDMAN grabs a live machine gun off the ground and fires toward TRAN and his men.

LAZARUS

WE GOTTA GO NOW!! LET'S MOVE!!

CODY

BUT FOUR LEAF --

LAZARUS

WE'RE. ALL DEAD MEAT IF WE DON'T.LIFT OFF

NOW!! DO IT CODY!! Cody reluctantly pulls up the throttle. The chopper. begins to LIFT OFF...

SPEEDMAN.

FOUR LEAF IS STILL OUT THERE!

LAZARUS

WE GOTTA GO! PORTNOY GET YER ASS IN THIS

CHOPPER!!

PORTNOY

I'M TRYING!! Portnoy is not being heroic, he, is genuinely having trouble getting in.-the chopper. But then Speedman sees something...

SPEEDMAN It's him...

SPEEDMAN'S POV FOUR LEAF... much-like.Speedman playing him in the beginning of the. movie... Arms extended, his body riddled with bullets...

LAZARUS

FOOCK! Cody lowers the chopper ... Speedman jumps out...

SPEEDMAN Cover me! Speedman runs towards Four Leaf, through a hailstorm of         bullets...PORTNOY AND THE GUYS PROVIDE AS MUCH COVER AS

THEY CAN...

i- Tropic Thunder 103. Speedman reaches Four Leaf and collapses beside him, cradling his head. Trap's men continue to bear down on them...

FOUR LEAF Go on...get outta here. I'm worm food, you dig?

SPEEDMAN

DON'T YOU DIE ON ME! (then totally surprised) You have hands?

ON THE CHOPPER The guys are busy shooting off their attackers, but they see this moment happening...

BACK TO SPEEDMAN AND FOUR LEAF The life is draining from Four Leaf (Marvin)...

FOUR LEAF I ain't Four Leaf, Chris. We're in this mess because of me.

SPEEDMAN (can't get over it) How did you get hands?

FOUR LEAF I ain't never been worth a nothin'...and it's too late to start bein' a somethin' now. Speedman tries to understand. He is welling up with emotion.. .real emotion.

FOUR LEAF

(SINCERELY) But you... you can tell the story. . .You have to tell the real story...         And Four Leaf... or Marvin... dies. Speedman begins to weep. Tears. Yes, he is crying, for real...

AND WE PULL BACK TO REVEAL THIS PLAYING ON A GIANT VIDEO

SCREEN AT THE OSCARS...

Tropic Thunder 104. Only... LAZARUS (CAUCASIAN AGAIN BUT LOOKING ALOT LIKE         FOUR LEAF) is now playing FOUR LEAF, (Or Marvin), dead in          Speedman's arms...

INT. ACADEMY AWARDS THEATER,

SPEEDMAN sits in.the audience, suirrounded-by his Tropic ï¿½i'4 1, I. 1 ,1M -Thunder compatriots. Everyone watches with rapt attention...

ON SCREEN

SPEEDMAN Don't you die on me! Don't you...         And his weeping continues. He then looks up. to see:

20 GUERRILLAS RUNNING AT HIM, SHOOTING WILDLY...

MOVIE STAR STYLE, HE UNLEASHES A BARRAGE OF MACHINE GUN

FIRE, MOWING THEM DOWN,..

HE SLINGS FOUR LEAF/MARVIN OVER HIS SHOULDER, AND RUNS

FOR THE CHOPPER, STILL SHOOTING;..

HE GETS THERE WITH PORTNOY, REDYK AND SANDUSKY PULLING

HIM UP AND IN AS THEY TAKE OFF, LEAVING HELL BEHIND.

THE IMAGE FREEZES.

INT. ACADEMY AWARDS THEATER

The audience applauds wildly. HILARY SWANK opens the envelope at the podium...

A

HILARY SWANK And the Oscar goes to...Chris,Michael Speedman as himself in ".PLAYING HOOKY

THE REAL TRUE STORY OF THE LIFE AND DEATH

OF FOUR LEAF TAYBACK AND THE MAN WHO

PRETENDED TO BE HIM".         The audience erupts in applause. Speedman gets up,          hugging Redyk, Portnoy, Sandusky. Even Cody is there...          As he gets near.the stage, KIRK LAZARUS (CAUCASIAN BUT          LOOKING LIKE HIS-ORIGINAL SELF), with his own Oscar in          hand, bear hugs him...

i-Tropic Thunder 105.

I" â–º

ANNOUNCER This is Chris Michael Speedman's first Oscar. He joins four time Oscar winner Kirk Lazarus, tonight's Best Supporting Actor winner for the role of Marvin Kaminsky... And we FREEZE on Speedman and Lazarus, grinning eat to         ear, arms' around each other, awards in hand...

WE FADE SLOWLY TO BLACK After a few moments...

CUT TO:

EXT. FLAMING DRAGON COURTYARD -- DAY

Peck is tied up, in ragged, prisoner clothes, hanging in         the cage. He has been there a while.

PECK Ok, look, you wanna go through this again, let's do it. I see more for you than this. This whole 'big fish in the little scary jungle pond' thing. I see you as a front man, as a leader, not just of this little rebel guerilla warrior group. I see it big picture. Is it music, is it movies? Is it a series on Fox? I         don't know. But I do know it is not happening with you staring at me doing my         "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings" routine for you and the peanut gallery for another six months. It's old school already. TRAN and some HENCHMEN watch, unamused. Tran nods, one of         the henchmen turns a handle which lowers the cage into the water. After a moment, it comes back up with a         soaking Peck.

PECK (not missing a beat) And it makes me sad to see you chomping on the stogie and you're not even fourteen or whatever. I'm thinking "what         hole does that need to fill, that you          have to keep dipping me into the water to          somehow feel better about yourself?" I         can be a partner to you, not just a          captive.

(MORE)

Tropic Thunder

106.         PECK (cont'd)          But you have to allow me into your inner workings, into your headspace to         facilitate that. And"to do that you gotta         let me outta the cage,'both figuratively          and literally. Until you can let me go, I          you.can't let you go. Do you get that?          He gets dunked in the water again.

PECK Obviously not. Dare I bring up.a sore subject. Can we do a little business on         the blackberry privileges? Cause you're         killing me here.

BLACK

THE END