My Night at Daria's

(opening theme song)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria and Tom are sitting on one of the living room sofas; Tom is reading Critique of Pure Reason by Immanuel Kant, while Daria is reading a macroeconomics textbook; both are obviously bored out of their minds)

Daria - God, this is dull. So much for my silly childhood dream of becoming a supply side economist. (closes book)

Tom - At least you're not reading Kant. This guy gives dry, ponderous intellectuals a bad name. (closes book)

Daria - Speaking of intellectuals...

(Quinn enters the room)

Quinn - Augh! I just had the worst date of my life! Not only did he wear white pants, his car CD-player skipped...

(Daria and Tom look at each other)

Quinn - ...and if that weren't bad enough, he spent the whole dinner talking about himself and then accused me of not paying attention just because I had to quickly check my lipstick in the butter knife...

(Daria and Tom get up and start to leave)

Quinn - Wait! Where are you going?!

Daria - To check our mascara in the salad tongs.

Quinn - But you can't go! (sits on the sofa) I really need someone to talk to and all the normal people are out on dates.

Daria - Oh, well, you wouldn't want to barge in on someone's date. (she and Tom head upstairs)

Quinn - Exactly! (grabs phone and dial) Tiffany? I had the worst evening... fine, hurry up and order dessert...

(at Tokyo Toby's Sushi Restaurant)

(Toby, Helen, and Jake are seated at a table; Helen and Jake have plates of sushi in front of them)

Jake - So you see, Toby, a top-notch marketing consultant could really beef up your business!

Toby - Er, Jake, we're a sushi bar. Don't you mean "fish up" my business? (laughs)

(Jake laughs)

Toby - Here, have some more sake. (pours sake into Jake's cup)

Jake - Don't mind if I do.

Helen - Jake, haven't you had...

Toby - Hey, Ellen, why aren't you eating? Not trying to keep your girlish figure at your age, are you? (laughs)

(Jake laughs)

Helen - Ha-ha... actually, I had a late lunch. (quietly) Followed by an insufferable dinner. (deliberately drops a piece of sushi onto the napkin on her lap)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria and Tom are in her bedroom, lounging on the bed and studying; suddenly, loud music starts playing across the hall)

Tom - What is that?!

Daria - Either a traveling band of eunuchs, or Quinn's figured out how to turn on the radio.

(Daria gets up and shuts the bedroom door, then heads back to the bed)

Tom - God, Daria. Why didn't you tell me things were so bad at home?

Daria - I didn't want you to worry.

(time-shift; the clock goes from 10:39 P.M. to 4:07 A.M.; Daria and Tom have fallen asleep)

(Tom wakes up and glances bleary-eyed at the clock)

Tom - Oops.

(Tom shakes Daria's leg to wake her; Daria glances at the clock, which wakes her up immediately)

Daria - Oh, God. We've got to get you the hell out of here.

Tom - (quietly) Works for me.

(Daria and Tom get up; both wince as Daria opens the bedroom door, which squeaks)

Tom - (quietly) I'll go myself -- it'll be quieter.

(Daria nods, then opens the door wider to let Tom out; they wince as the door squeaks again)

(Tom quietly creeps down the darkened stairway, unaware that a half-drunk Jake has woken up and is rummaging around the kitchen for a snack)

Jake - I'm starving... sushi sucks! Sake rocks. Hey, got to remember that. (burps, then starts rummaging in the refrigerator) Where's the lazooni...?

(a plate of lasagna in hand, Jake walks out of the kitchen and finds Tom trying to open the front door, which is stuck)

Jake - Hey!

(Tom whirls around in shock)

Tom - Mr. Morgendorffer! I can explain!

Jake - Tom! Oh, hey, you know, that door sticks on me, too. Let me get it for you.

(Jake hands his plate to a wide-eyed Tom and opens the door)

Jake - Hey, you ever try any of that sake? It sucks! I mean rocks!

Tom - Um, no. You know, the age thing. (hands plate back to Jake and makes a hasty exit, not willing to push his good luck)

Jake - Oh, yeah. Good for you! (closes door) Nice guy, that Tom.

(Jake heads back upstairs and climbs into bed; Helen is barely awake)

Helen - (sleepily) No wonder you can't sleep. Tokyo Toby's is poison.

Jake - Is not... hey, I forgot to offer Tom some lazonny...

(in Daria's bedroom)

Helen (offscreen) - What?!

(Daria, who was trying to sleep, suddenly opens her eyes and sits up in bed)

Daria - Damn. One one thousand, two one thousand, three...

(Helen bursts into the room)

Helen - Daria, I need to talk to you, right now!

Daria - ...one thousand.

(it's now morning; Helen is still grilling Daria like she's on the witness stand)

Helen - All right, Daria. I guess I can believe your story, though it seems pretty farfetched to me that two teenagers with raging hormones...

Daria - My hormones don't rage. Oh, sure, they get mad sometimes, but then they just stop speaking to each other.

Helen - All right... so you weren't, you know...?

Daria - I certainly do know. And no.

(out in the hall, Quinn -- who is still not a morning person -- approaches Daria's bedroom)

Helen - Then tell me once again why Tom was slipping out the door at 4:00 A.M. like a common criminal?

(at that, Quinn's eyes fly wide open and her jaw drops to the floor; it takes her several seconds to recover)

Quinn - Phone! (reverses course and heads back to her bedroom)

Daria - Gee, could the sneaking around have been part of a futile attempt to avoid an unnecessary all-night lecture about responsibility?

Helen - All right, I admit I was a little upset, but I'm sure you can understand that when a mother sees her daughter, her little baby girl, to whom she gave life...

Daria - Nothing happened. I'd tell you if it did.

Helen - You would? Really?

Daria - Um... anyway, you believe me, right?

(in her bedroom, Quinn is on the phone)

Quinn - (quietly) Stacy. Stacy! (loudly) I can't talk any louder, you dope! I'm trying to tell you my sister had a guy in her room all night!

(Stacy starts crying over the phone)

(in Daria's bedroom)

Helen - Seriously, Daria, if the time comes when you decide that... you know... I hope you will come to me first.

Daria - Um, what?

Helen - Not that I would ever try to talk you out of it -- which is not to say I'm trying to talk you into it -- it's just that I'd like to have the chance to discuss things with you first. I only wish I could have gone to my mother before I made such an awful mistake. What is it about stunt drivers that makes otherwise level-headed teenage girls just whip off their...

Daria - (quickly interrupts) Okay, okay. Um, I've got to study. Big test. Biiig test...

(Jake barges into the room)

Jake - Helen! I think I've got something in my throat! Can you see anything down there? (makes "aaah" sound, then sees Daria) Daria! I, uh...

(Jake turns tail and runs -- "I can't deal with this" -- with Helen on his heels)

Helen - Jake, nothing happened!

(Daria closes her door, then sighs)

(at Pizza King)

(Tom and Daria are sitting in a booth; each has a slice of pizza and a soda)

Daria - The problem with going to restaurants is that they're not in my room.

Tom - I know what you mean. I have the same issue with hiking trails.

(Upchuck walks halfway past the table, stops, gets an "Upchuck look" on his face and turns back)

Upchuck - My, my, my... is that the lovely Miss Morgendorffer?

Daria - Congratulations. You've passed your vision test. Please proceed to line B for your written.

Upchuck - And you've passed your admission test to Club De Amore. Please check your inhibitions at the door! (growls and leaves)

Tom - What's wrong with him?

Daria - His parents forgot to put decals on the sliding glass doors.

(Kevin and Brittany approach the table; both have a slice of pizza in hand, and both are taking an inordinate amount of interest in Tom and Daria)

Kevin - Hey, Daria's guy! Way to go, man!

Tom - Excuse me?

Kevin - You know... you did the wild walk, made a touchdown, signed the deed!

Daria - Tonight's Babble Chat was hosted by Kevin Thompson.

Brittany - Oh, Daria! Now we can have womanly talks!

Daria - What the hell are you ranting about?

Brittany - You know... (nods her head towards Kevin)

Kevin - Let's go, babe, and leave the love babes alone. (he and Brittany leave)

Tom - That was weird. Even for them.

Daria - We'd better get out of here before the parmesan fumes get to us, too.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Jake and Helen are in the living room; Helen is sitting and trying to work, while Jake is looking at his throat in a hand mirror)

Jake - Damn it, Helen, I know there's something crawling up my throat, and I think it's a parasite courtesy of Tokyo Toby's Parasite Restaurant! If I stand still, I can even feel it laughing inside of me...

Helen - Now you're being ridiculous. Even if that horrible sushi did have a parasite, it couldn't have survived that much sake.

(Daria enters the room, and Jake immediately gets tongue-tied again)

Jake - Daria... I... um... uh...

(Jake starts to leave, but Helen grabs him by the arm and pulls him back)

Helen - Your father thinks he picked up a parasite eating sushi.

Daria - You mean the kind that drill through your intestines, twisting and turning and driving you slowly insane until they grow eight feet long and corkscrew out through your vital organs?

(her little revenge pays off: Jake starts freaking out, little by little, then collapses on the couch)

Helen - Daria...

Jake - Help me, Helen... before the madness sets in.

Daria - Any further.

Helen - Daria!

(phone rings as Daria heads upstairs to her room; Jake answers with the cordless)

Jake - Hello? Oh, Toby. Listen, about your so-called fresh sushi... I got the job? How much? Wow! I mean, I think I can live with that. See you tomorrow! (hangs up) Helen! I got the job!

Helen - And all the parasites you can eat.

Jake - Parasites? You know, you were right. It's probably just a sore throat... I think I'm gonna throw up...

(Jake clutches his throat and hurries out of the room, while Helen just rolls her eyes)

(at the Lane house)

(Jane is sitting on her bed, sketching, when the phone rings; she answers, and the screen splits between her and Daria)

Daria - Hey.

Jane - Ah. I've been expecting your call

Daria - Huh?

Jane - All right, I'm listening. But for God's sake, at least spare me the squishier details and the rapturous declarations of undying love.

Daria - What are you talking about?

Jane - What are you?

Daria - I was hoping you could tell me. Tom and I ran into some people from school and they kept alluding to I'm-almost-afraid-to-guess-what. Is something going on?

Jane - Come on, Daria, you know.

Daria - Know what?

(pause)

Jane - You don't know?

Daria - What?! Just tell me!

Jane - Well, there's this rumor going around that you and Tom... slept together.

Daria - Huh?!

Jane - And that your father walked in right... well, right in the middle of things.

Daria - Oh, my God.

Jane - And Daria... (chuckles) ...since when do you own a pair of black high heels?

(Daria lowers the phone, wide-eyed with shock)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Quinn is in her bedroom, preening in front of the mirror; she puts her hair over one shoulder, then the other)

Quinn - That's not right, either. Oh, the curse of having two good shoulders!

(a very unhappy Daria walks into the room)

Quinn - Daria! What are you doing in here?

Daria - I want to know exactly what you told everyone at school about me and Tom.

Quinn - I didn't say a word! Besides, I swore Stacy to secrecy, but then she told Sandi and Tiffany, so if you're mad at anyone, it should be Stacy and not me!

Daria - Uh-huh. Look, dammit, nothing hap--

Quinn - Stop! I don't want to hear any of the sordid details. I don't care what coupled people do!

Daria - And I'm telling you, nothing--

Quinn - Okay! Okay! Look, I got to, um... go shopping. Big sale. Biiig sale. (starts to walk away)

Daria - Quinn, listen to me for one min--

Quinn (offscreen) - Half off. Gotta go. Bye!

(Daria rolls her eyes in exasperation)

(at school)

(Daria approaches Jodie, who is standing at her locker)

Daria - Can I talk to you for a second?

Jodie - Sure. What's up?

Daria - Um, you've probably heard the rumor about me and Tom...

Jodie - Hey, it's no big deal, right? This isn't the '50s, when women had to worry about their reputations.

Daria - But it's not true. I never slept with Tom and I don't own any high heels. I don't even own any low heels.

Jodie - Daria, it's okay, really. Besides, you and Tom have been going out for so long, I'd think by now you'd want to do more than just hold hands. Right?

Daria - Um...

Jodie - Hey, sex is nothing to be ashamed of, as long as you're responsible.

Daria - So, then, you and Mack have... been responsible?

Jodie - Um... I really don't want to discuss that right now.

Daria - I understand.

Jodie - I promise: soon as my parents are dead, I'll tell you all about it. (walks away)

Daria - Okay. Just so long as there's nothing to be ashamed of.

(in downtown Lawndale)

(Daria and Jane are walking to Pizza King)

Daria - And I thought the whole point of being unpopular was that no one knows you exist or talks about you.

Jane - It's been a slow news week. Don't worry, they'll go back to not recognizing you soon enough.

Daria - Easy for you to say. You never had a rumor circulating around school that you slept with someone.

Jane - Well, if that ever does happen, I hope the guy's a professional wrestler. Look, why does this bother you so much, anyway? It can't be you're worried Kevin won't respect you.

Daria - No... I guess it's the assumption that if you're in a relationship, you're having sex. So if you're not, does that make your relationship any less of one?

Jane - I knew I should have jumped Tom when I had the chance. (Daria gives her a cross look) Kidding! I told you, I'm waiting till college. 11:00 A.M. on move-in day.

Daria - At least you've got a plan.

Jane - Anyway, being in a relationship can't possibly hinge on physical intimacy 'cause that would mean our parents are still doing it.

Daria - Which is absurd.

Jane - No chance.

Daria - I'd join the circus.

Jane - Right behind you.

Daria - Thanks for your insight.

Jane - What I'm here for.

(both girls enter Pizza King and sit down with a couple of slices and sodas)

Daria - You really think once some new rumor comes along everyone will forget about me and Tom?

Jane - I'm sure of it.

(Daria sees Kevin and Brittany walking by)

Daria - Good... (louder) ...because my sister's got a rare form of Malaysian toenail fungus.

Jane - (louder) Ooh! That can be terminal!

(Kevin and Brittany look at each other, open-mouthed in shock at this news)

(at the office of Doctor E.L. Hask)

(Jake is in an examining chair; the doctor is about to yank something out of Jake's throat)

Doctor - Whoa. That is one hell of a parasite. Now hold on! One, two, three! (lunges)

Jake - Aah!

Doctor - Here. Look.

(the doctor holds up something on the end of his probe: it's a really nasty-looking parasite)

Jake - Eww... um, must have gotten it from that damn food-rotting Tupperware...

Doctor - Tupperware? I don't think so. When was the last time you had sushi?

Jake - Last weekend at Tokyo Toby's...

Doctor - Tokyo Toby's? When is the health department going to shut that worm factory down? This is the third anisakid I've seen come out of that place in two months!

Jake - Oh...

(at the Sloane house)

(Daria and Tom are on the couch watching TV)

SSW Announcer - Can anger management training really help gorillas avoid extinction? Maybe, but it's not doing much for the psychiatrists! "The apes of wrath," today on Sick, Sad World!

(Tom mutes the TV with the remote control)

Tom - Are you okay? You hardly said a word when the monster attacked the girls' swim team. All those vital organs bobbing around in the water...

Daria - (sighs) I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but there's this rumor going around school that you and I slept together.

Tom - Really? Can we get that rumor started at my school?

Daria - It's not funny.

Tom - Come on, Daria. Since when do you care what other people think?

Daria - It's not that... so much. It's just that... the implication is, well, to be really close, couples need physical as well as emotional intimacy.

Tom - Boy, people will believe anything. Look, you said you weren't ready. So okay.

Daria - Oh, fine. Just take me at my word.

Tom - That is what you said, right? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong. Please.

Daria - Hey, far be it from me to pressure you into anything.

Tom - Daria, you're the one who doesn't want to, remember? I backed off 'cause I thought that's what you wanted. But I can be persuaded otherwise. See? All done.

Daria - Okay, fine... in the interest of moving our relationship forward and taking it to a new, deeper level, I've decided I'm ready, too. Damn it.

Tom - Really? Are you sure?

Daria - Sure I'm sure. Of course, there's the issue of... you know.

Tom - No problem! I've got one right here. (pulls out his wallet) You know, my parents won't be home...

Daria - Wait! You just carry one of those things around?

Tom - Wishful thinking?

Daria - God, guys are all the same.

Tom - What, responsible?

Daria - You know, maybe we are rushing into this. Forget I brought it up.

Tom - Forget you brought it up? Jeez!

Daria - Hey. I didn't expect to be put on the spot.

Tom - I thought you just said you wanted to.

Daria - Not so much that I'm running around town with a neon birth control device in my purse.

Tom - Look, I've been a good guy about this. You said you're ready, so I tried to be conscientious and now you don't want to again. Make up your mind! And it's not neon!

(pause)

Daria - I'm ready.

Tom - You're sure?

Daria - Positive.

(pause)

Tom - Um, okay. When were you thinking, um, we would, you know?

Daria - Um, anytime. But not right now.

Tom - Um, okay.

(pause)

Daria - It's definitely not neon, right?

(at Tom's house)

(Daria and Tom are right where we left off)

Daria - So, um... should we pick a date?

Tom - Well... my parents are going out of town next weekend. How about then?

Daria - No fair. Home court advantage.

Tom - Fine. Your place.

Daria - Like I'd ever find all the microphones Mom's hidden around my room.

Tom - The Rendezvous Motel? You know, on Route 6.

Daria - Gee, don't make me feel too special.

Tom - All right, the boathouse at the lake, with the stars, the moon, the water?

Daria - And the mosquitoes, the splinters, the security patrol?

Tom - (frowning slightly) Okay, how about Mars, then? Soon as that whole colonization thing gets going?

(pause)

Daria - Your room, next Saturday night at eight.

(at school)

(Jane approaches Daria, who's closing her locker)

Jane - Yo, kinky shoe girl, good news. The Malaysian fungus has your sister down to three toes, and one of them is dangling.

Daria - That's so sad.

(they start walking to class)

Jane - Yeah, and that hot news flash from the Lawndale gossip mill has left you and Tom in the proverbial dust. No one cares about your sex life anymore, or lack thereof.

Daria - Um... make that former lack thereof.

Jane - Daria!

(they stop)

Daria - Or rather, future former lack thereof.

Jane - Oh. So... when?

Daria - Soon. This weekend.

Jane - Ah. You seem a tad... what's the word... scared witless?

(they resume walking)

Daria - Okay, so I am a little very nervous.

Jane - Of course you are! This is a big decision. A defining moment in your life!

Daria - Oh, good -- that's not too much pressure.

Jane - Or possibly just another adolescent embarrassment you'll need to repress in adulthood just to get out of bed in the morning.

Daria - Huh. So far, that makes everything after my 12th birthday. (pause) Um, you don't think that'll really happen, do you?

Jane - No, no, it's gonna be great. Well, then, congratulations or whatever they say in situations like these.

Daria - I think it's "S.O.S."

(Daria walks into the classroom, leaving a concerned Jane standing outside the door)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Jake and Helen are in the kitchen; Helen is making dinner)

Jake - You said I was being ridiculous! You said it couldn't be a parasite!

Helen - Okay, Jake. You were right, I was wrong.

Jake - Oh, sweet music to my ears!

Helen - Which only proves that I was right about Tokyo Toby's being poison in the first place.

Jake - Oh, yeah...

(Daria walks into the kitchen)

Jake - Um... Daria! (Jake beats a hasty retreat)

Helen - Daria, hi! Anything new?

Daria - Well, you didn't hear it from me, but Quinn's played her last game of "This Little Piggy."

Helen - Hmm, it's Friday night. Aren't you going out with Tom?

(Daria pulls out a box of cookies and grabs one)

Daria - Sorry. Only one question per customer. Please try again tomorrow.

Helen - Daria, about that talk we were going to have... we don't have to wait. We could have it...

Daria - No, no. The end of time is fine for me. And speaking of the time...

Jake - Okay! Even if you were right about Toby's, I was right about the parasite, and it was a double-wide parasite so that makes me doubly right!

Helen - Jake, not now! I'm talking to Daria. Daria?

(unseen by them, Daria has slipped out of the kitchen)

(in the morning, Daria slowly wakes up and realizes what day it is)

Daria - God. Saturday already?

(at the Sloane house)

(it's 6:30 P.M.; Tom is whistling as he sets up his bedroom with candles and soft music; he obviously wants things to be special for his and Daria's first time)

(flash-forward to 9:00 P.M.; the candles are half gone, and Tom is getting frustrated; shaking his head, he picks up the phone and dials)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Helen is in the kitchen, rummaging around in the refrigerator)

Helen - When is Quinn going to stop storing her nail polish in the... ooh, "Sunrise Sublime."

(the phone rings; Helen answers just as Daria enters the kitchen)

Helen - Hello? Oh, hi, Tom!

(Daria frantically waves her arms "No!")

Helen - Daria? No, I haven't seen her. Sure, I'll tell her. Bye. (hangs up) Daria, is everything all right?

Daria - Sure. Fine. Never been better. (grabs something out of the refrigerator)

Helen - You know, I've never known you not to want to speak to Tom, or wear "Slicky Fingers" nail polish.

(Daria looks down; she's grabbed a bottle of Quinn's nail polish)

Daria - Um... I believe you should try everything once no matter how unmistakably stupid it is. Almost everything. Anyway, got to go. Lot of homework. Big essay due. Biiig essay. (leaves quickly)

Helen - I thought you said you were seeing Tom tonight. (pause) Daria?

(at the Sloane house)

(Tom blows out an almost-gone candle, then tosses the bouquet of roses into the trash)

Tom - I don't believe this.

(in the morning, Tom opens the front door to get the paper; a note is attached to it)

Tom - Daria.

(Tom sits down on the living room couch and begins to read)

Daria (voiceover) - "Dear Tom: I'm sorry about last night, but when I thought about it for the 50th time, I realized I'm just not ready. Please let this letter serve as my acceptance of the inevitable breakup. Daria."

Tom - Damn.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Tom knocks on the front door; Daria answers)

Daria - Oh. Um, you got my note?

(at the park)

(Tom and Daria walk towards, and sit down on, a bench)

Tom - Daria, how could you do this to me?

Daria - I can't help it if I'm not ready. I can't change the way I feel.

Tom - Not that. I mean, how could you dump me without even talking it over?

Daria - Look, we both agreed that sleeping together would bring us closer, so... not doing it must be driving us apart.

Tom - No, you said it would bring us closer and I said, fine, if that's the way you feel. I wasn't pushing this, you were, remember? I was perfectly happy with our relationship just the way it was.

Daria - Perfectly happy?

Tom - Okay, very content. The point is, you're not ready. I understand.

(pause)

Daria - No, you don't understand. It's not that I'm not ready. It's that I'm scared.

Tom - Same thing.

Daria - No, it's not the same thing. I just admitted that I'm scared. The thought of that much intimacy... it's just overwhelming to me.

Tom - Oh. (pause) Daria, you know I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable.

Daria - And even if I could handle it, what if you were disappointed? Our whole relationship could be ruined.

Tom - You don't want to have sex because you're afraid it'll hurt our relationship, and then you break up with me. Doctor, my head.

Daria - I thought that's what you'd want.

Tom - Think again.

(he kisses her)

Tom - You know, I think that, despite ourselves, we just reached a new level of intimacy.

Daria - And lived to tell about it.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria is sitting on the sofa reading the newspaper; Jake is on the phone, pacing as he talks)

Jake - Hmm, free air fresheners with the fragrance of tuna? Let me think about that... and, hey, Toby, speaking of thinking... now, you know I think your sushi's delicious...

Daria - Especially that rice and roundworm filling.

Jake - ...but you might want to change suppliers. See, I got a parasite from it... no, it wasn't a little parasite, it was a big, mean parasite.... well, I'm fine now... I am not whining. Hey, it's not my fault I missed the draft. The war was winding down! Oh, yeah?! Listen, you big fat blowfish... (hangs up)

Daria - Can I have a raise?

Jake - Dammit, Daria, do you believe the nerve of that guy and his rotten fish?

Daria - If that rotten fish has restored communication between us, Father, then I say hooray for smelly old rot.

Jake - Oh. Oh!

(Helen walks into the room)

Helen - Jake, is everything all right?

Jake - Yeah! I mean no! I mean... huh. I think I feel something else in there. I bet that parasite laid a whole extended family of eggs! Where's that mirror?

(Jake quickly leaves to find a mirror; Helen sits down next to Daria as Quinn enter the room)

Helen - Daria...

Quinn - Does anyone know how I got on the mailing list for Tootsie Tech, "World's Largest Supplier of Prosthetic Toes By Mail"?

Daria - Ooh, do they have those vintage wooden ones?

Quinn - Augh! (leaves)

Helen - Um, Daria...

Daria - Tom and I didn't have sex, and we're not going to any time soon. Unless, of course, a bomb goes off and, as Earth's last two survivors, we must replenish the human race. Although, frankly, that's not motivation enough for me.

(Helen sighs in relief)

Helen - Well, I can't say I'm not somewhat relieved. I just want you to know that whatever decisions you make in life, I'm on your side and...

(Daria lifts the newspaper high to hide from Helen)

Daria - So instead, we've decided to sublimate our urges by traveling cross-country with a motorcycle gang.

Helen - All right. You just remember to call home on Sunday nights.

Daria - (lowers paper) Hey!

Helen - Ha!

Jake (offscreen) - Damn it! I think I can see their beady little eyes! God help me!

(closing credits)