The Deception Verification


 * Leonard: Hello.
 * Penny: (screams) Leonard! Hi!
 * Leonard: (whispers) Keep your voice down.
 * Penny: (whispers) Oh my gosh. (kisses him) You weren't supposed to be here until Sunday.
 * Leonard: (whispers) Well, we finished the experiment early, so I thought I'd come home and surprise you.
 * Penny: (confused) Oh my gosh, why are we whispering?
 * Leonard: I didn't tell Sheldon so that we could have a few days alone.
 * Penny: (touched) Oh, that is so romantic.
 * Leonard: Uh, sure. That's why I did it. (they kiss again)
 * Penny: I just cannot believe you're here.


 * Amy: Sheldon. Your fight's with Leonard. Penny’s got nothing to do…
 * Sheldon: Careful, Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy.
 * Amy: Really? Is that so?
 * Sheldon: Yes. You’re either with me or against me.
 * Amy: You want to take the bus to work?
 * Sheldon: Maybe there’s a third option.

Leonard: No, I don’t. Sheldon: Hurts, doesn't it? You know I find myself wondering if anything you every told me is true. Leonard: I didn't make it back. The ship sank. I’m in hell.
 * Leonard: So am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me?
 * Sheldon: I’d like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.
 * Leonard: Where do you think I would take you?
 * Sheldon: Who knows? You said you’d be home yesterday, but came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park, or a cornfield maze or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.
 * Leonard: I’m going to work. You can come if you want.
 * Sheldon: OK. By the way you have something on your shirt.
 * Sheldon: You say you’re from New Jersey, but how can I believe you.
 * Leonard: Why would anybody claim to be from New Jersey, if they weren't?
 * Sheldon: All right, I’ll give you that one.

Amy: What? Amy: I don't think Penny would cheat on Leonard. Sheldon: Oh really? She and I once had a staring contest. She clapped really loud and made me blink. It's a small leap from there to sexual infidelity. Amy: You're being ridiculous.
 * Sheldon: I fear Penny's being unfaithful to Leonard.
 * Sheldon: She claimed to be alone when there was obviously someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard's lengthy sea voyage and her famously ravenous nether regions.
 * Sheldon: Amy there were Chinese food containers...in the trash can.
 * Amy: Poor Leonard.


 * Sheldon: (knock, knock, knock) Penny. (knock, knock, knock) Penny. (knock, knock, knock) Penny. Are you going to answer the door or should I open it and say "a-ha" again?
 * Penny: Shut up, Sheldon!
 * Sheldon: I'd like to barge in but I don't know what you two are doing behind that door. It probably rhymes with hex, though.
 * Leonard: Way ahead of you, it rhymes with canal.


 * Bernadette: Hi, honey.
 * Howard: Hey.
 * Bernadette: I made some brownies. You want one?
 * Howard: You’re kidding, right?
 * (Bernadette turns a tiny bit worried for a second)
 * Howard: I mean, you know I’m trying to lose weight. God, I thought we were partners in this marriage.
 * Bernadette: We are. Stop it. And for the last time, you’re not fat.
 * Howard: Really? Tell that to the bathroom scale, ’cause one of you is lying.
 * Bernadette: Fine, forget I asked. How was dinner at your mom’s?
 * Howard: Awful. I had to rub her ointment all over her again.
 * Bernadette: Why can’t she do it?
 * Howard: ‘Cause we’ve got a deeply unhealthy relationship. Which reminds me, do you think you can get any samples of this from work? This was supposed to last her a month, but they didn’t take into account the square footage of her back.
 * Bernadette: Let me see. (she now asks Howard crossly) How long have you been putting this on her?
 * Howard: I don’t know. Few weeks. Why?
 * Bernadette: This is really strong oestrogen cream. Please tell me you’ve been wearing gloves.
 * Howard: Like these swollen sausages could fit in gloves.
 * Bernadette: (through her cross smile) Howie, the oestrogen’s getting absorbed by your skin. That’s why you’ve been all bloated and moody and a giant pain in the ass.
 * Howard: You’re full of oestrogen and you don’t act like that.
 * Bernadette: (she is now completely cross) That’s ’cause I’m a woman. I’ve had years of practice riding the dragon.
 * Howard: Fine. I’ll wear gloves next time.
 * Bernadette: (calm, but still very cross) It’s still gonna take a few weeks for the hormones to leave your system.
 * Howard: I feel so stupid. And fat.
 * Bernadette: (smiles) It’s okay. You still look great to me. In fact, why don’t we go in the bedroom and I’ll prove it to you?
 * Howard: (now angry with her) Sex? Really? I mean, that’s just your solution to everything.
 * (Bernadette is now completely cross with Howard again)


 * Howard: Thanks for coming over.
 * Raj: No problem. Ooh, you made little sandwiches.
 * Howard: Yeah, that’s cucumber and cream cheese. That’s turkey and loganberry. And don’t tell my hips, but I’m warming up a brie in the oven.
 * Raj: Nice. So, mmm. What’s up?
 * Howard: Okay, well, I’ve been reading up on all the side effects you can get from oestrogen, and, I need you to be honest with me. (Lifts his shirt up) Do my boobs look bigger to you?
 * Raj: Well, it’s kind of hard to tell.
 * Howard: Come on, Raj, it’s a yes or no question.
 * Raj: I’m not sure. Um, wait. Jump up and down, let’s see if they jiggle. (Howard jumps up and down) Uh, no, I, I still can’t tell, uh, oh, you know what? Okay, uh, give me some of this. (shakes his body, with his chest moving back and forth)
 * Howard: Seriously?
 * Raj: Do you want my help or not?
 * Howard: Fine. (puts his shirt over his head, exposing his torso and shakes his body in the same way Raj did)
 * Raj: Okay, yup. See, see, that, that looks like, that looks like they could be bigger. But you know, I bet, I bet when I do it, mine do the same thing. (lifts up his shirt and does the body shaking motion)
 * Howard: Yeah, they kind of do.
 * Raj: Hmm. Uh, let me see something. (Grabs his boob)
 * Howard: Hey, easy, my nipples are sensitive.
 * Raj: Oh. Sorry, sorry, uh, okay.
 * (Warms his palms. Grabs boob again. Behind them, Bernadette walks in crossly. She is not very happy by the weird thing Raj and Howard are doing. She doesn't say anything at all).
 * Raj: I mean, yeah, maybe.
 * Howard: Okay, let me feel. (grabs Raj's breast)
 * (Scene of the silent Bernadette getting more crosser)
 * Howard: No, I am definitely up a cup size.
 * Raj: You know, but, but they’re very firm, so you’ve got that going for you.
 * Howard: You think?
 * Raj: Yeah, yeah, yeah, very perky.
 * Howard: Thank you. I really needed to hear that today.
 * (The silent Bernadette angrily drops her arms on her hips and walks out angrily. The oven bell dings)
 * Howard: Ooh, brie’s ready.
 * Raj: Yay!


 * Howard: (Emotionally) Listen to me. You two aren't just friends, you're best friends. That's a beautiful thing. Leonard, you know why he's so mad at you? It's 'cause he missed you. (To Sheldon) And as his friend, you should be happy he has love in his life, as I do. (after a moment) This man [Raj] held my breast the other day, and I love him for it!
 * (Everyone in the cafeteria looks at Howard)
 * Raj: A little loud, dude.
 * Howard: So, can please just put aside these petty differences and just be glad we're here together?
 * Leonard: Okay.
 * Sheldon: I suppose so.
 * Howard: Thank you.
 * Raj: (To everyone in the cafeteria) Uh, it wasn't anything weird. It was just to see how big they were.


 * (Scene: The apartment.)
 * Sheldon: And then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist, and then to cap off the perfect day, the Los Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures.
 * Leonard: I thought the measures were going to be the stars of the show, turns out it was the weights.
 * Penny: I’m so glad you guys are friends again.
 * Sheldon: And I’m glad you and I are friends again, too.
 * Penny: Aw.
 * Sheldon: Which reminds me. This came in the mail, and I want you to have it.
 * Penny: Fifty cents off Vagisil.
 * (Amy rolls her eyes and says nothing)
 * Sheldon: Think of me when you apply it.
 * Raj: Uh, can I just say, I’ve missed all of us hanging out together.
 * Sheldon: Yeah.
 * Penny: Me, too.
 * Leonard: Um, since when can Koothrappali talk in front of the girls without a beer?
 * Bernadette: Oh, that happened right after you left.
 * Leonard: And no one told me?
 * Howard (crying): Can’t believe we forgot to tell him.
 * Penny (handing Howard the Vagisil coupon): Think of Sheldon when you apply it.