Sex and the Biddy

My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show. Murray? Murray? Hey, jerk chicken. Where's my Jew at? Oh, I'm sorry, Rallo. Murray's out with a friend today. A friend? But I'm his only friend. Not to worry, child. You're welcome to take one of our other old people. We got the Black-Filipino if you like exotic, Ruby-- she has no memory, so you can do whatever you want. We even got twins. Double the hard candy. I'm Connie Chung. Rallo! What are you doing here? What the hell you think I'm doing here? We have plans! Who's this broad? Hi, Rallo. I'm Hazel. Oh, I've heard so much about you. Oh, you're right. It is like a sponge! Hey, get your zombie hands off my head! Come on, Murray. Let's go sit on a park bench and watch people try to figure us out. Look, kid, I promise you we'll do something tomorrow, just us guys. But I think I'm about to end a 35-year dry spell here. It's gonna be gross. I bet they're gonna use the pull-up method. Get it? They're old. Hey, Ro-Ro, if you're done with your chicken fat, may I soak my roll in it? Whatever, Fat Albert. Hey, hey! Hey. Thank you. Bones? You're eating bones, Cleveland? I grew up during the Depression. If you'd be so kind as to hand me my bloody-coughing rag. He's sloppy fat. I'm classy fat. Ah. Ah. Night. Unless you want to fool around. Do you really need a milkshake before bed? Do you really need three glasses of wine with dinner? I had one glass. Pouring three glasses into one does not a single glass make. Cleveland, you've gained 25 pounds since we got married. You wouldn't be complaining if we lived in England. Because there, pounds are money. Cleveland, you have to join a gym. I know I said your weight gain is unhealthy, but there's a visual component, as well. And yes, we turn out the lights during sex. Mm. But every once in a while, a car drives by, and a sliver of light shines through, and I get an awful fright. Look, I don't want to tell you how to do your job as a woman, but as a man, that's my job. Women don't care how men look. They only care about emotions and stuff and baths. Cleveland, I got you a gym membership and a personal trainer. Speaking of member, 'member this? And boom goes the dynamite. Hey, little fella. Beat it, perv. This right here is no country for old men. Rallo, it's me. What is that, your winter yarmulke? No, it's a hairpiece to make me look young and hot, like that douche bag Jeremy Piven. Why you got to talk about Jeremy Piven? Come on, our table's back here. We already had our soup and sent back our first two courses. Ha! Wait. We? Hi, Rallo! I'm so glad you could join us. Excuse me?! What's Wrinkle Me Elma doing here? You said it was just gonna be us. You tell that face "no. " Well I don't have an old people fetish. I believe these are yours? No. Oh. Then they're mine. I I must have put in two this morning. Rallo, we got you a beet salad. Well, you can't beat beets. Beets-- they'll make you pee red! It's not blood! It happens to be Hazel's birthday today. By the way, what did I end up getting you? Wow. They're nice. I must like you. For my birthday, you pulled a penny out of my ear. Then you kept it. Oh, she's got my card. She's got your wallet? Murray, come on. Wake up. She's just using you for your money. Using me? Using me for this. And your pastrami on rye. What am I, Scooby-Doo? Hi. Cleveland Brown, new gym member? Oh, yes, I can see that, sir. The locker room is right behind you. There are naked men in there! It's a locker room, sir. I know that, but in my day, a man wrapped a towel around his waist, then removed his briefs from underneath. Modesty! Always modesty! Yo, C-Bro! Ready for me to get you rock hard? Holt? You work here? Yeah, I'm a personal trainer. I've told you that, like, a hundred times. I got a real thick filter with you, Holt. Look, this whole gym silliness was Donna's idea. She gets on these kicks. Tried to get me to brush my teeth for a while. Relax. You're gonna love it here, brah. We got a steam room, smoothie bar and terrible clothing on sale. Not to mention the babes. Hi. Bye. Hi. Bye. Hi. Bye. Hel-lo! Yeah. They're lesbians. All lesbians. With boyfriends. Now, come on. I'm gonna start you out real easy. Step on the treadmill. Ah, this isn't bad. It's not on. The floor is moving! You have to walk, Cleveland. Water. Must have water. Okay, man, I'm just gonna increase this from a walk to a light trot. How many miles have I gone? Ugh! I forgot my nipple guards. Are they bleeding? It stings like they're bleeding. Stop the machine! It's only been 15 seconds, bro. Oh, God. I no feel so bueno. You're doing great. I think I'm gonna pass out. Keep that core tight. I'll be back in ten minutes. Mm. Those lucky pigeons. Ugh! We've been following Hazel all day, but still no proof that she's a gold digger. We got something. Another man. Let's move in. Happy birthday, Hazel. What did I get you? Diamond necklace. Goo, goo. Gotcha! You're nothing but a two-timing, gold-digging old wench. Aren't you adorable. Now listen to me and you listen good, you nosey little punk. If you tell a soul about this, I will snap your neck in half, and then I'll suck your guts out with a straw, and then spit them out because I hate. your guts. Are we clear? Yes! Now go sleep with the ducks. My baby! See, I jump you three times. Oh, speaking of jumping you, I think the pill is kicking in. Ooh! I thought that was my sciatica. Murray, listen, Hazel's two-timing you. I'm not afraid of you, old lady! I brought muscle. Ugh! Why are you still in the dress? Take that thing off. Put it back on. Murray, I saw Hazel with another man. And he was giving her jewelry, too. Rallo, I was buying that jewelry. For our wedding. We're getting married. What?! You can't marry her! She threatened to kill me! Oh, Rallo. That's ridiculous. If there's one thing you should know about old Jewish people-- we don't hate anybody. Our wedding is this weekend, and we'd love it if you would be there. You're my best friend, Rallo. I know you'll be late and bring, like, 20 people, but I really want you to be there. All right, for you, Murray, I'll be there. Now, if you'll excuse us, Rallo, we're going to fall asleep right here, right now. I'll be there, all right. And thusly, after passing out and urinating myself on one of your treadmills last week, I no longer wish to be a member of this gymnasium. We've already charged your card for two years. If I pay you for a third year, can I never come back? That works. I'm gonna miss this old place. I'm never coming back. Hold up, Fatty. You want a body like mine? I'd do anything to have a body like yours. Except exercise. Meet me out back in five. I'm gonna give you something real nice. Something nice? I hope he's not going to give me a new hat. I like to pick out my own hats. You know what? I hope it's a hat! Excuse me. Have you seen a buff, handsome guy around here? Buddy, it's me! I'm the buff guy! Shut the front door! How?! With this. Hunx Shapewear for Men. Wow! Women have been practicing blubber control for centuries-- corsets, girdles, and today, Spanx. Well, it's our turn to be gross cows who pretend they only want a tiny square brownie but continue to cut tiny squares for themselves until they polish off the whole damn pan. Go ahead, you can eat it now. I just wanted a tiny square. Hunx come in all different sizes. So you can go as thin as you want. Your wife will never be the wiser-- as long as you don't let her touch you above the waist during sex, that is. Oh, that's no problem. I'm always facing the other way. I'll take all of them. Oh, hey, Donna. Just got my workout on. - What have you been up to? - Oh, my God, Cleveland! It's been less than a week, and you look fantastic! Yeah, you look good. Ugh. I'm in the wrong story. I didn't know you had your driver's license. Oh, I don't. How's our cargo holding up? All right, you guys remember the plan? No. When we get to the wedding, you guys are gonna tell Murray that Hazel's a two-timing gold digger who played you, too. Got it? I once got syphilis from a bucktoothed Malaysian hooker. Greatest generation, my ass! It's up here on the right. That witch sent me to the wrong place! We got to find that wedding! Let's go! I wish we could have a wedding. In time, in time. What do we do till then? We could go to Baja Fresh. I wish you'd stop calling my bottom "Baja Fresh. " Jamaican nurse, it's Rallo. Quick! Where's Murray's wedding? They're getting married at a Cinnabon? Oh, synagogue. To the Jew church! I'm getting married at a Cinnabon. - Mazel tov! - Jews! No! - Who are you? - Name's Corey. Murray's my best friend. Mm, I look so good, I'm gonna call out my name during sex. Y'all ready for this? Oh! Ooh, baby, you've lost even more weight this week! That's why you're getting a little reward. Terrence Trent D'Arby's suit from "Wishing Well"?! Yes. It's for you to wear to the superintendent's dinner at the school. At the rate you're going, you'll fit into it by next week, easy. Now, why don't you come over here, open my laptop and clog my in-box with spam. Oh-ho-ho-oh! Rallo! You're not as late as I expected. Check it out. This is our version of your electric slide. I have evidence that she's a gold digger! I brought two guys. One guy. Rallo, Hazel's my wife now. Which means, for the rest of our lives we'll be together! Not quite. Orderlies. My husband's not competent to live outside the home. I want to have him recommitted. B-B-But, Hazel, what about all that Jewish gibberish we said at the altar, or whatever we Jews call it? I just said all that shlamacki so I could spend your money in that new condo you bought me. So long, polyp pants! You were right, Rallo-- she was a gold digger. But she had the ass of a 60-year-old. That she did. The other guy I brought is now also dead. Hit me again. You've had enough tapioca, Murray. This is bourbon, you moron! Oh. Is that why I've been throwing up? Murray, I tried to tell you Hazel was trouble. So, now what are we gonna do? I don't know. What are you doing here? I let old people pet me to keep them calm. It's nice. Aretha Franklin's right! If we can make Hazel seem crazy, they'll put her away! We'll show that yenta she futzed with the wrong mensch. Next week better be a super-black episode. It's simple-- it's just butter, ranch, hot sauce, sour cream and a splash of thousand island. You cadip everything in it. Or eat it straight. Isn't that bad for you? Not with Hunx. I've gained 20 pounds, but I look like I've lost ten. Donna can't keep her hands off me. Ah, that's her now. Oh, hi, Donna. I'm at the bar. Uh, er, I mean, gym. Just eating some dip. Uh, er, I mean lifting weights. He's a master! You stay as long as you want, baby. I want you looking all fit for that superintendent's dinner. Don't you worry, Donna. I super-intend to look great for that dinner. Oh, Cleveland, you're so funny and thin! Yes, just put it all on my husband's card. Oh-ho, and I'll take the platinum shower toilet as well. Ooh. Now, let's drive Miss Daisy crazy. Aah! Get away! Get away! Oh, my God! Get away! I can't take this! They're all over! They're all over! Aah! Cats, everywhere I look, cats! And my cat, Cecil, he's their leader. He was wearing a monocle. He's obviously come into money somehow, I don't know how. Lady, that's great, but you can't just run through traffic all hysterical like some black comedian. We have to call social services in on this one. Well, we ruined a life. Let's eat. Yeah, yeah. What did that paramedic say? Something about a black comedian? Why don't he come say that to my face? Let it go, Rallo. A nurse with a van is all he is. Hey! My man! Is it toasty in here? No. Are you all right, Cleveland? Fine. Hey, everybody. You all know my husband, Tyson Beckford. Nah, it's Cleveland. Yep. Been getting my workout on, two, three hours a day. My body is, after all, a temple. A temple of heyyy! Shrimp puff, sir? Oh! Gimme! I mean, maybe just half a puff. I don't want to insult the superintendent. Eh Oh Uh? Ooh, ah. Ooh. Excuse me just one second. Cleveland, are you all right? Gon' 'splode! Ooh! I'm Klumpin'! Aah! Sweet beans and Cee Lo Green! Look away! I'm hideous! Look how deep his belly button is! How could you do this to me! I'm sorry, Donna. I was wearing a man girdle. I'm lazy. I hate working out. It's for gay guys and probably gay guys. I know you can't stand to look at my fat body or listen to my fat voice. I just wanted you to want to make love to me. I'm so sorry. Oh, Cleveland! Yes, you're obese and a heart attack waiting to happen, and no 40-year-old man should make ham-and-cheese sandwiches with toaster waffles. It's just a McGriddle! But you know what? Nobody's perfect. None of you is perfect! And neither am I! I wear a wig! Yeah! And these perfect eyebrows and luscious lips-- drawn on. And do you really think a woman who's breast-fed two kids can still be this perky? Please! And that's the truth. The ugly truth. Oh, Donna, I love you. And boom goes the dynamite. Now, this is a superintendent's dinner! I'm the superintendent, by the way. Good night, everyone.