Plan Brain from Outer Space

Brain: MONTHS OF INTERSTELLAR EMAIL HAS FINALLY BROUGHT ME TO THIS HISTORIC MOMENT OF INTERPLANETARY ACCORD.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Brain: HERE I AM, AWAITING THE MOST IMPORTANT CONTACT EVER MADE BY AN EARTHLING, AND SOMEBODY HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN WATCH THAT SILLY TV.

Pinky: ZORT! SORRY, BRAIN. I JUST LOVE THE Z-FILES. ALL THE ALIENS AND WEIRD GIZMOS AND THINGIES.

Brain: I'D RATHER MEET A REAL ALIEN, WOULDN'T YOU, PINKY?

Pinky: I DON'T KNOW, BRAIN. YOU MEAN LIKE XUXA?

Brain: NO, PINKY. MY NEW INTERGALACTIC PEN PAL ZALGAR IS COMING TO EARTH TONIGHT TO HELP ME TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

Zalgar: AH, I'VE OUTSMARTED THE MOST BRILLIANT BRAIN ON EARTH. HE THINKS I'M GOING TO HELP HIM, BUT I, ZALGAR, PLAN TO TRICK HIM AND EAT HIS BRAIN.

Scout Synapse: ZALGAR, SCOUT SYNAPSE REPORTING. I'VE DETECTED THE IMMENSE BRAIN WAVES OF YOUR LATEST PEN PAL. CLOSING IN FOR A VISUAL.

Zalgar: AH, EARTH. HOME OF THE MOST INTELLIGENT BRAIN IN THE GALAXY. SHOW ME THE EDIBLE PART. YES, YES! THERE IT IS. THERE IT IS. FETCH IT. WRAP IT UP. PUT IT IN A BOX SO I CAN EAT IT.

Scout Synapse: RIGHTY-O, SIR.

Fighter Pilot: ROGER, NIGHT OWL. BOGIE IS NOW VISUAL. LOCKIN' AND ENGAGIN'.

Scout Synapse: HUH? UH-OH. ABANDONING SHIP.

Fighter Pilot: HOO-EEE! WE GOT US A HIT, NIGHT OWL. BLUE FALCON RETURNING TO BASE.

Zalgar: THIS IS A FINE MESS. I'LL HAVE TO GO GET HIM MYSELF, OR EAT SOME OTHER BRAINS. HMM LIKE YOURS.

Frances: WE INTERRUPT OUR PROGRAM WITH A SPECIAL REPORT. WE ARE SPEAKING LIVE VIA SATELLITE WITH GENERAL ODIN. GENERAL, LOCALS CLAIM THEY SAW A UFO CRASH-LAND JUST OVER AN HOUR AGO. RUMOR HAS IT IT'S BEEN TRANSPORTED TO A TOP-SECRET LOCATION.

General Odin: NOW, THAT'S JUST PLAIN POPPYCOCK, FRANCES. NOW, WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A WEATHER BALLOON THAT ENCOUNTERED SOME SWAMP GAS, WAS STRUCK BY LIGHTNING, AND FELL BY A LOCAL FRISBEE TOURNAMENT. HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

Brain: THAT MAN IS LYING. OBSERVE THE RATE AT WHICH HE BLINKS. THREE TIMES PER SECOND.

General Odin: IT HAS, AND ALWAYS WILL BE, A FRISBEE. AS AMERICA...

Pinky: ZOUNDS, BRAIN. AMAZING.

Brain: YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS, PINKY?

Pinky: UM, HE SHOULD CHANGE HIS NAME TO MR. BLINKY?

Brain: NO, PINKY. IT MEANS THERE IS A SPACESHIP AND THE GOVERNMENT IS HIDING IT. LOOK AT THAT ROCK FORMATION. THE DEVIL'S DOUGHNUT, NEAR ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO.

Pinky: OOH, HOW SCENIC.

Brain: THEY PROBABLY HAVE THE ALIEN CRAFT SOMEWHERE NEARBY. ZALGAR'S LATE. IT MUST BE HE WHO WAS SHOT DOWN.

Pinky: NOW HE CAN GO TO ALL THE SIGHTS OF NEW MEXICO, LIKE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY AND LONDON. OOH, I WISH I COULD GO SIGHTSEEING.

Brain: THANK YOU, RAND McNALLY. NOW OFF TO ROSWELL.

Zalgar: WHERE'S MY LITTLE PEN PAL? OH, BLAST. HE'S GONE, BUT HIS BRAIN TRAIL'S STILL FRESH. MMM. I CAN ALMOST TASTE HIM. [EVIL LAUGHTER] EARTHLINGS ARE SO PRIMITIVE. THEORY OF RELATIVITY. HA!

Zalgar: BAH. I WOULD PICK AN INCONSIDERATE PEN PAL WHO DOESN'T KEEP HIS APPOINTMENTS. I HAVE TO EAT HIS BRAIN SOON, OR I'LL STARVE.

Scout Neuron: WOULD YOU LIKE SOME OF MY INTERNAL ORGANS?

Zalgar: EMPTY CALORIES! ONLY A BRILLIANT BRAIN CAN SATISFY ME. GO AWAY. ALAS. WE'D BETTER FIND HIM SOON, OR I'LL HAVE TO SETTLE FOR DICK CAVETT.

Pinky: WHOO, WHOO. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN.

Brain: OH, I WISH YOU WOULDN'T, PINKY. NOW, IN ORDER TO RESCUE ZALGAR, WE MUST OUTSMART THE GREATEST MINDS OF THE MILITARY.

Pinky: LIKE GOMER? [IMITATING GOMER PYLE] SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE. HA HA HA!

Brain: THAT IS THE KIND OF BEHAVIOR THAT GOT US THROWN OUT OF THE DINING CAR. REMEMBER, PINKY, NO SLIP-UPS. THESE SENTRIES ARE TRAINED TO SHOOT FIRST AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER.

Security Guard: SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE.

Pinky: UH-

Security Guard: A SURPRISE INSPECTION. YOU MUST BE GENERAL MALTESE AND GENERAL JONES.

Brain: WHY, YES. YOUR VIGILANCE HAS EARNED YOU A COMMENDATION, SOLDIER.

Security Guard: WELL, GO-O-O-LLY. I'M ACTUALLY GLAD TO SEE YOU FELLAS. I'VE BEEN ON WATCH ALL NIGHT FOR THESE 2 LAB MICE. H.Q. CLAIMS THEY'RE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD. ISN'T THAT THE SILLIEST THING YOU EVER HEARD?

Pinky: HA HA HA! HEAR THAT, BRAIN?

Brain: CARRY ON, SOLDIER. THIS IS WHERE THE GOVERNMENT KEEPS THINGS THEY DON'T WANT ANYONE TO SEE.

Pinky: YOU MEAN LIKE EVERYONE'S BUTT?

Brain: OH, MY. WHAT NEXT?

Zalgar: CREATURE OF EARTH CALLED BRAIN, I, ZALGAR, HAVE COME, IRONICALLY, TO EAT YOUR BRAIN. HA HA. WITTY, AREN'T I? AH, I'D RECOGNIZE THAT BRAIN TRAIL ANYWHERE. HELLO, PEN PAL. AT LAST WE BEHOLD EACH OTHER PERSONALLY. THROUGH CLEVER USE OF EMAIL, I HAVE LURED YOU HERE TO CONSUME YOUR CEREBRUM.

Brain: IS THAT SO? JUDGING FROM YOUR LAST MESSAGE, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL CEREBRUM.

Zalgar: AT LEAST I DON'T PUT SMILEY FACES ON EVERY LINE.

Brain: OH, YEAH? WELL... YOU'RE A WEENIE. NYAH, NYAH, NYAH, NYAH, NYAH.

Pinky: OH, GOOD ONE, BRAIN.

Brain: THANK YOU, PINKY. NOW, RUN.

Zalgar: OH, DEAR. MAYBE I WAS MISTAKEN ABOUT THE CRANIAL CAPACITY OF THAT LITTLE FELLOW. ZALGAR'S NEVER WRONG. HE'S JUST TRYING TO THROW ME OFF TRACK. WE'LL SEE WHO'S A WEENIE, OR SHOULD I SAY A PANCAKE?

Pinky: WE NEED TO THROW A MONKEY IN HIS WORKS.

Brain: YOU MEAN A MONKEY WRENCH.

Pinky: NO. I MEAN A MONKEY. WAAAAAAAH!

Brain: LOOK, PINKY. THERE'S A TOOL BOX. I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN. IT'S CALLED A MONKEY WRENCH.

Pinky: MAYBE LATER. I STILL THINK WE NEED A MONKEY.

Brain: WHERE WOULD WE FIND A MONKEY AT THIS HOUR?

Pinky: OVER THERE.

Brain: TECHNICALLY, IT'S A SASQUATCH, PINKY, BUT I WON'T ARGUE THE POINT.

Both: AAH!

Brain: NOW, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, PINKY.

Bigfoot: [ROARING]

Zalgar: OUT OF MY WAY, NATURE BOY.

Bigfoot: ARRRRRRRRR!

Zalgar: TIME TO SEE THE CHIROPRACTOR.

Brain: LOOK AT THIS, PINKY.

Pinky: OOH, A GIANT EYE. EGAD, BRAIN.

Brain: THIS MUST BE THE SHIP THAT WAS SHOT DOWN. ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING?

Pinky: OOH, I THINK SO, BRAIN, BUT I THINK I'D RATHER EAT THE MACARENA.

Brain: NO, PINKY. IF I KNEW HOW TO FLY THIS THING, WE COULD USE IT TO DEFEAT ZALGAR.

Pinky: GEE, BRAIN. LOOKS JUST LIKE SOMETHING FROM Z-FILES. THIS THINGAMAJIG IS THE STEERING WHEEL, AND THIS WHATSAMAHOOZIT RUNS THE ENGINE THRUSTERS.

Brain: PINKY, AT LAST, YOUR MINDLESS TV VIEWING IS HELPFUL.

Pinky: POIT! OH, STOP IT, BRAIN. YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL ALL GOOSEY.

Brain: VERY WELL, THEN, MAN THE HELM, MR. PINKY, AND TAKE US OUT.

Pinky: UM, NARF! I CAN'T DO THAT, BRAIN.

Brain: WHAT NOW, PINKY?

Pinky: WELL, THE POOR LITTLE SNAKEY WORM HAS AN OWIE.

Brain: OH, MR. WIZARD WOULD BE PROUD.

Zalgar: I HAVE A PEN PAL WHO CALLS ME A WEENIE AND RUINS MY BACK. THAT'S A FINE HOW DO YOU DO.

Brain: WHERE WAS THAT TOOL BOX? WE NEED TO FIX YOUR BROKEN SNAKEY WORM.

Pinky: HMM, MAYBE THAT MAN CAN HELP US.

Brain: ONLY IF A HANDSOME PRINCE WAKES HIM UP.

Zalgar: MY DINNER HAS A FIRST NAME. IT'S B-R-A-I-N. I AM ABOUT TO DOUSE YOU LIBERALLY WITH BRAIN-AISE SAUCE.

Pinky: I HOPE IT'S NOT LUMPY, BRAIN.

Brain: YOUR CONCERN FOR THE WAY I'M COOKED TOUCHES ME, PINKY. SHH.

Pinky: BRAIN, I'VE BEEN GOOPED.

Brain: HANG ON, PINKY. THIS CRYOGENIC CHAMBER GIVES ME AN IDEA.

Zalgar: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE PREPARED? BAKED OR BROILED?

Brain: CHILLED, THANK YOU.

Scout Synapse: BACK TO THE CHIROPRACTOR.

Zalgar: OHH! AAH! EEH! DEAR PEN PAL, I'M BACK IN ONE PIECE AND FEELING FITTER THAN EVER. MY STOMACH IS EMPTY. WISH YOU WERE THERE. YOU NEEDN'T REPLY, AS THIS IS OUR FINAL CORRESPONDENCE. HA HA HA HA HA. BRAIN TARTARE, COMING UP.

Pinky: EGAD. IF ZALGAR EATS YOUR BRAIN, WHAT WILL YOUR NEW NAME BE?

Brain: HURRY UP, PINKY.

Pinky: ZORT. THAT'S ALMOST THE SAME AS MY NAME.

Both: THE TOOLS!

Brain: QUICKLY, PINKY. WE CAN FIX THE OTHER SHIP.

Pinky: I'VE GOT THE MONKEY. POIT! WA-HA-HAAAAA! WHOA! WHOA-HO-HO-HO!

Zalgar: NOW TO SUCK HIS BRAIN.

Pinky: OH-HO! YOO-HOO!

Zalgar: AH, THE SWEET TASTE OF VICTORY.

Pinky: AH HA HA! WHOA-WHOO! AH HA HA! OH, THIS IS GREAT, BRAIN. YOU SHOULD TRY IT. HA HA HA!

Brain-O-Vac: INTELLIGENCE OF ENTREE IS DANGEROUSLY LOW.

Zalgar: WHAT, AN IDIOT? IMPOSSIBLE.

WARNING, EXPLOSION EMINENT.

Brain: OH! TO THE EYEBALL, PINKY.

Pinky: EYE, EYE. HA HA. JOKE.

Zalgar: WEENIE!

Pinky: EYE, EYE, EYE, EYE!

I'M FLYING AN EYE!

Zalgar: TO THE MOTHER SHIP! YOU MOVED MY VIEW SCREEN. I'LL HAVE TO MOVE IT BACK.

Pinky: LET'S SEE THE SIGHTS IN OUR EYEBALL SHIP.

Brain: WHERE ARE YOU GOING, PINKY?

Pinky: STATUE OF LIBERTY.

Brain: REFRESH MY MEMORY. DID ZALGAR EAT YOUR BRAIN OR NOT?

Zalgar: FIRE BLASTOPHONE, NEURON.

[HONKS]

Pinky: SEE, BRAIN? GOOD THING WE SAW IT WHEN WE DID.

Brain: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PINKY?

Pinky: TAKING A LITTLE TOUR, BRAIN.

Brain: I THINK WE HAVE MORE PRESSING CONCERNS.

Pinky: BUT, BRAIN, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT FOR SIGHTSEEING. WE COULD GO TO GRACELAND AND DOLLYWOOD AND THE MUSEUM OF PANTS. BRAIN, WHY DON'T YOU TURN ON THE RADIO?

Brain: YOU'VE LOST IT, PINKY.

Pinky: I'M BLIND!

Brain: OUR SIGHTSEEING TOUR IS OVER.

Zalgar: EVIDENTLY FLYING SCHOOL DOESN'T ACCEPT PEN PAL WEENIES.

Brain: HMM, MAYBE FLYING BLIND ISN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

Pinky: TOLD YOU.

Brain: WELL, ONE OF THESE HAS TO RE-OPEN IT.

Pinky: THAT WASN'T IT!

Zalgar: TRY TO OUTSMART ME, WILL THEY? I DON'T THINK THEY REALIZE THAT I'M NOT ONLY PRESIDENT OF THE BRAIN-EATERS CLUB. I'M ALSO A MEMBER OF CRANIAL CRUNCHERS INCORPORATED, NOGGIN NOSHERS ANONYMOUS-- STUPID VIEW SCREEN.

Pinky: PEEK-A-BOO. HA HA.

Brain: FINALLY. OH, DEAR. PINKY, I TOLD YOU IF YOU KEPT PLAYING AROUND WITH THIS SHIP, YOU'D PUT OUT SOMEBODY'S EYE. THIS SIGHTSEEING HAS TO STOP, PINKY.

Zalgar: OH, NO. THE SIGHTSEEING HAS JUST BEGUN. IF YOU LOOK OUT THE BACK OF YOUR EYEBALL, YOU'LL SEE YOU ARE ALMOST WITHIN THE GRASP OF YOUR EX-PEN PAL, AND SO, TO CONCLUDE OUR FLIGHT, PLEASE RETURN YOUR TRAY TABLES TO THE UPRIGHT POSITION, AND WE SHALL SERVE A COMPLIMENTARY ONE-COURSE DINNER TO ME.

Pinky: OH, BRAIN, WOULD YOU ASK THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT TO GET ME A COMPLIMENTARY BEVERAGE?

Zalgar: YOUR LITTLE FRIEND IS EVEN MORE IDIOTIC THAN YOUR EMAIL LET ON. BLAST. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SCREEN? LOCKING TRACTOR BEAM. YOU'LL NEVER ESCAPE NOW.

Pinky: LOOK. IT'S THAT DOUGHNUT MONUMENT.

Brain: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SIGHTSEEING?

Pinky: UM, I FORGET.

Zalgar: OH, DEAR. BLAST. DESERTED BY MY ENTREE. PERHAPS I AM A WEENIE.

Brain: I MUST ADMIT YOUR SIGHTSEEING PAID OFF AFTER ALL. GOOD WORK, PINKY.

Pinky: COULD YOU THANK ME AFTER WE EXPLODE?

Fighter Pilot: UH, ROGER, NIGHT OWL. BOGIE IS NOW VISUAL. LOCKIN' AND ENGAGIN'. WHOO-WEE! THAT IS A HIT, NIGHT OWL. BLUE FALCON RETURNING TO BASE.

Pinky: POIT! WE'VE BEEN HIT.

Brain: THANKS FOR THE NEWS FLASH, PINKY.

Scout Neuron: OUR MISSION, ZALGAR?

Zalgar: FIRST, WE GO HOME AND FRESHEN UP. THEN, I SHALL LOG ON TO THE INTERNET AND SEND AN EMAIL TO MY NEW PEN PAL: DICK CAVETT.

Pinky: NICE HOTEL, BRAIN. ELVIS IS PLAYING THE LOUNGE.

Brain: DON'T BOTHER ME. I'M PLANNING FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.

Pinky: WHAT'LL WE DO TOMORROW NIGHT, BRAIN? EXPLORE THE U.S. A. IN OUR BIG NOSE-MOBILE?

Brain: THE SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY, TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

Chorus: THEY'RE DINKY, THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN