Get Schwifty

(A giant yellow head flies through space toward Earth. The Earth catches fire and land masses start collapsing as the wind picks up.)

(A man takes a golf swing in the middle of the storm. A large piece of land drops out in front of him, leaving a large hole.)

Man: Hey, golf is easy now!

(The hole gets larger and the man falls in.)

Man: Aahh! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard agaaaaaaain!

(A news anchor in a raincoat, Terry, is downtown with people panicking in the background as the giant head stares blankly at Earth. A news title says “ArmagHEADdon?!”.)

Terry: The view here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth’s gravity, triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years.

Jim: (in news studio) Let’s not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants?

(Giant Head clears its throat, creating a large wind blast)

Giant Head: SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.

(winds pick up and the tides change rapidly with its speech)

Terry: Jim, you heard *static* said, “Show me what you got.”

Giant Head: SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT. I WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU GOT. (lamp post falls over, Terry runs out of frame)

(Rick turns off the TV, they are on the couch)

Rick: Oh boy. Time to go, Morty.

Morty: Uhh, where?

(Rick puts on sunglasses)

Rick: The Pentagon. I mean, not THE Pentagon. *burp* The lame one, here on Earth.

(Rick and Morty walk out of frame)

[INTRO]

(At the house, winds still blow strongly. Summer, Beth and Jerry are standing outside.)

Summer: Is it God? If it’s God, do we get out of school?

Beth: It’s not God, Summer.

Jerry: She’s allowed to think it’s God if she wants, honey!

Beth: Shut up, Jerry.

Jerry: Ok…

(Rick and Morty pull out of the garage in the ship.)

Beth: Dad, what do you know about this?

Rick: Morty and I are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.

(they fly off)

(Mr. Goldenfold arrives on a moped.)

Mr. Goldenfold: Scary stuff, huh? Pretty freaky. Hi, I’m Morty’s math teacher. I’m also part of the street team inviting folks to the church downtown so we can pray together.

Beth: How is praying going to help?

Mr. Goldenfold: Ma’am, a giant head in the sky is controlling the weather. Did you wanna play checkers? Let’s be rational! I’ll see you at God’s house! (leaves)

(Pentagon war room, everyone is arguing)

President: Gentlemen, gentlemen, one at a time! Simon?

Simon: SETI, NORAD, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity’s got. String theory, world history, the human genome.

(Nathan slams fist on table)

Nathan: Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America’s got is 70,000 megatons of KABOOM-BOOM! And I say we show it right up this floating head’s ass!

(Argument begins again. A portal appears and Rick and Morty step through.)

Guards: Hold it! Don’t move! (they approach Rick and Morty with guns)

Rick: Stay back! This watch turns people into snakes!

(Guards stop and look at Nathan for approval. Nathan nods at them, and the guards aim. A laser fires at the guards and they disappear, leaving only snakes.)

President: Stand down. Everybody stand down! I’m the leader of these people and I’m unarmed. There’s no need for any more snake-makery.

Rick: My name is Rick Sanchez. This here’s my grandson Morty. (drinks from flask)

Everyone: Hi, Morty.

Morty: Hey.

Rick: I’ve seen enough of the galaxy to know that what we’ve got here is a Cromulon from the Cygnus-5 Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. (points to viewscreen showing floating head) This head won’t go away until *burp* Earth shows them it’s got a hit song.

Everyone: Seriously, that’s impossible, etc…

Simon: You mean like Vivaldi?

Rick: No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly-written, catchy, original song. The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved lifeforms.

President: All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people. Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. (no one responds) The-Dream? He wrote “Umbrella” and “Single Ladies”? You people haven’t heard of The-Dream?

Rick: You’re gonna wanna put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51.

Nathan: How do you know about that?

President: For God’s sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google Maps.

Aide: Sir! Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy. They’re all dead.

President: What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?

Aide: The Grammys, sir. There was an earthquake and all the musicians... (sniffs, holding back tears) All the famous ones, they’re gone.

President: Dear God.

Aide: Hold on, sir, just a minute. Ice-T survived. He’s inbound on an F-15, ETA two hours.

Rick: Good luck, Mr. President.

Simon: Sir, the magnetic poles are about to reverse. In two hours, there may not be an Earth to save.

(Rick opens a portal)

President: Sanchez! Are you a musician?

Rick: I dabble, Mr. President.

President: Get this man and his grandson on a Blackhawk to Area 51.

(At the church, everyone is panicking.)

Father Bob: People! Everyone! Remain calm! Every crisis of faith is an opportunity for more faith! When God deals you an 11, you don’t fold! You double down, and always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Jews.

Jew: I beg your pardon, pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that’s been dealt the weak hand. Jews rule! (no one responds) Nobody? Ok, tough church.

Principal Vagina: Hi, Principal Vagina. The name’s real, possibly Scandinavian. I’m just gonna come out and make this pitch. The old gods are dead. F*** all previous existing religions. All hail the one true god, the giant head in the sky.

(everyone reacts)

Principal Vagina: Ah, di di di di. (to Bob) Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this (holds up a necklace with a cross) can beat that… what have you done for me lately? (tosses necklace to Bob) So if you wanna excuse me, I’m going out on the sidewalk and dropping to my knees and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the f***ing weather! (walks out) Outta my way!

Pastor Bob: Ok, if sanity’s been restored to this assembly, I’d like to talk about the cost of repairing our new organ. Sally, the plate, please.

Mr. Goldenfold: (holds up a dollar) Ohhhh, this is my favorite part!

(Helicopters over the desert, subtitle “Nevada Desert: Restricted Air Space”. Rick and Morty are on a helicopter)

Morty: Rick, are you really a musician?

Rick: Who’s NOT a musician, Morty?

Morty: Me!

Rick: Yeah, not with that attitude.

Jump Master: We’re in the drop zone! I’m the jump master! My name’s Jamey! With an E-Y! Go, go, go! (Rick slides down rope)

Morty: B-b-but we don’t have a song!

(Outside the church, Principal Vagina is on the sidewalk on his knees)

Principal Vagina: Giant head in the sky, please forgive all that we’ve done. We’re sorry for increased levels of emissions and our racism. And of course, the amber alerts I keep ignoring on my phone.

(At Area 51 speaker system, Rick and Morty slide down rope out of helicopter)

Rick and Morty: WhooooOOOOAHHHH!!!!

(They land on a stage with various live performance equipment on it. The yellow Cromulon is in front of the stage staring.)

Rick: (picks up a microphone) All right, Morty, let’s get ready to do it! Why don’t you, uh, find a button on one of those keyboards and lay down some kind of beat?

Morty: Rick, I think we need to cut our losses. We get our family and portal out of here!

Rick: Morty! Good music comes from people who are relaxed. Just hit a button, Morty! Gimme a beat!

Morty: Oh man, ok, all right, um…

(Morty presses a key and a beat starts, Rick knocks over a mic stand and starts “singing”)

Rick: Ahhhhh yeahhhhh

Ya gotta get schwifty

(Morty starts beating a tambourine in rhythm)

Ya gotta get schwifty in here

It’s time to get schwifty

(The President and Nathan are watching the performance on a screen inside)

Nathan: Get… schwifty? What the hell is that?

President: It’s our world’s best effort, that’s what.

Rick: Take off your pants and your panties

Shit on the floor

Time to get schwifty in here

I’m Mr. Bulldops

  Nathan: Mr. Bulldops?

President: Don’t analyze it, Nathan. It’s working!

Rick: Take a shit on the floor

Time to get schwifty in here

(Weather starts to die down around the world)

(At the church)

Pastor Bob: And third-level donors get our all access family pass.

Summer: Listen! The storm is stopping!

(On the stage)

Rick: Hey, take your pants off

It’s schwifty time today

(song ends)

Giant Head: Hmmmm.

(everyone at Area 51 waits in anticipation)

(at the church)

Principal Vagina: Please be kind to us for we are but tiny things with entire bodies stuck to your ground.

(at the stage)

Giant Head: I LIKE WHAT YOU GOT. GOOD JOB.

(Giant Head flies away)

(everyone at Area 51 cheers and celebrates)

(at the church, everyone lifts Principal Vagina, “What do you know, he was right! Hooray Principal Vagina!”)

Beth: Now hold on a second, let’s be rational about this.

(everyone stops and stares at Beth)

Beth: No, I’m… I’m just saying, we don’t know if there’s a cause-effect relationship --

(earthquake hits, Beth falls on ground)

Beth: Oh, God, what’s going on now?

(at the stage, Rick and Morty and Area 51 panic)

(The Earth is surrounded by an energy field and disappears. Earth reappears in another galaxy with four other planets, a disco ball-like sun, and several different-colored Cromulons looking at Earth.)

(At Area 51)

President: What the hell happened?

Aide: Mr. President, you’re gonna wanna see this.

Rick: I think planet Earth has just been transported.

(At the church)

Principal Vagina: The head has left and sent its children!

Beth: Holy CRAP!

(everyone gets on their knees)

Summer: Oh dear giant head, we apologize for that discussion! It will never happen again!

(everyone starts murmuring prayers)

(At Area 51)

Simon: Sir, we’ve started picking up on a garbled signal. We’re decrypting it now.

(screen gradually descrambles)

(Screen shows different bands of different aliens on different stages. Dance music plays in the background as the Cromulon narrates.)

Cromulon: WE ASKED THEM TO SHOW US WHAT THEY GOT. AND THEY DID. NOW WE’LL SEE WHICH OF THEM HAS GOT THE MOST. 24 HOURS, FIVE PLANETS, FIVE SONGS. BUT IN THE END, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE. PLANET MUSIC! All participation is involuntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ray.

Rick: Uhh, it’s probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead.

ACT 2

(dance music plays, Planet Music opening shows)

Cromulon: Welcome back to Planet Music! First up, let’s hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops. The Greebybobes! SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.

Greebybobe: Hold it, hold it, stop! Music isn’t about competition or captivity! If you love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free, please!

Cromulon: DISQUALIFIED!

(plasma ray powers up and fires at the planet, blowing it up)

Cromulon: There’s one every season. Moving on to planet Arbolez Meterosos. Arbolian Meterososians. SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT.

Arbolian Meterososian: Ah two, three, four…

(The Arbolian Meterososians play a very simple and underwhelming song while looking at the Cromulons for approval.)

(At Area 51. Rick, Morty and Ice-T are in a studio with several instruments. Rick is playing a bass, Morty is poking at a keyboard, and Ice-T is in the corner. The aide comes in.)

Aide: Rick, Morty, Ice-T. The timetable’s moved up. Earth’s on in six hours.

Morty: Like we’re not already under enough pressure! (Morty flips a bowl of peanuts at the aide and it hits him in the head. The aide leaves.)

Rick and Ice-T: Whoa ho ho ho ho!

Rick: Geez, Morty. The guy’s just doing his job. Take it easy.

Morty: Rick, Ice-T, could you guys take it less easy?! We’ve got six hours to come up with a song!

Rick: Genius happens in the moment, Morty. (walks over to keyboard)

Morty: Well, can we at least go get our family? You know, so we can take them with-with-with us if we lose?

Rick: That’s planning for failure, Morty. Even dumber than regular planning. (presses a button on the keyboard) Balls.

(Morty walks toward the portal gun)

Rick: Morty, Morty, stop! Listen! There’s only so much charge left in this thing. If we portal home from here and back, we’re not gonna have enough charge left to get off-world. Get it?

Morty: What?!

Rick: Yeah, *burp* you see, I try to shelter you from certain realities, *burp* Morty. Cause if I let you make me nervous, then we can’t get schwifty.

Morty: Stop saying it like it’s a thing! You made it up!

Rick: Hey, Morty! Could you lick my… (Rick presses keys on the keyboard with the sample of him saying “Balls”)

(The President, Nathan, and his aide are watching them through a window)

Morty: Rick, cut it out! That’s not funny, Rick!

Nathan: I’ve seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders.

President: And what’s your plan, General?

Nathan: We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a nuclear missile at every one of those heads in the sky.

President: Our planet’s held captive on a live game show and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I’ll put mine in Rick and Morty. “Get Schwifty” was a jam.

(in field outside church, everyone is dressed in robes wearing head hats. Principal Vagina is holding a homemade satellite on a stick with an earbud)

Principal Vagina: Hello? Yes sir, yeah. Thank you sir, thank you. He says he’s proud of what we’re doing and hopes we have a great Ascension Festival! Happy Ascension!

All: Happy Ascension!

(Jerry is holding an ice cream cone, Beth looks unimpressed.)

Beth: We should pack up and leave town now.

Jerry: I think it’s inspiring that our community is coping with fear in a way that involves a festival and homemade ice cream. If you’d stop being such an evangelical atheist, you might start enjoying yourself.

(Summer arrives wearing a head hat, holding two head hats. Beth double-facepalms.)

Jerry: Whoa! Look at you! You’re wearing the hat and everything!

Summer: Here’s yours! (puts hat on Jerry) Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight?

Beth: Yeah, sure. Wait, what??

Summer: I love you guys. You gave me life. And it’s the will of the many heads that all children honor their parents.

Beth: Dinner sounds nice.

(Ethan arrives.)

Ethan: Pardon, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Summer, are you coming to the Ascension?

Summer: Father, can we please go to the Ascension?

Jerry: Sure! Let’s go to the Ascension. Wh-wh-what is it?

(Three people are each tied to a bunch of balloons, tethered to a stake in the ground. One is labeled “Thief”, another labeled “Goth”, and the third labeled “Movie Talker”.)

Principal Vagina: We hereby send these un-wantables skyward that they might be inhaled by the many heads, later to be sneezed back to us as better babies! (cuts first rope) Headward, free now to rise. (cuts second rope) Headward, free now to rise. (cuts third rope) Headward, free now to rise.

Summer: Oh yes, yes! Rise to the giant head! You are free to be free!

(in the studio)

Ice-T: A squeegee comes up from the garage, right? And he’s got a lobster in one hand and movie tickets in the other. He’s like, “I’m ready!”

(Rick and Ice-T laugh)

Ice-T: Who would take a lobster to see Iron Man 3?

(Rick and Ice-T laugh)

Ice-T: Aw, damn. We’re out of original flavor Fig Newtons. I should get going anyway.

Rick: Wait, wait, wait! Come on, h-hold on a second!

(Rick grabs the portal gun, hits a couple buttons, makes a portal in the floor and drops through it. Another portal appears in the ceiling and Rick drops out of it with several snacks.)

Morty: What?!

Ice-T: Damn. You didn’t tell me you f*** around with portals and shit.

Morty: That’s it!

(Morty grabs the portal gun and gets up.)

Rick: Whoa, whoa! Morty! Give me that!

Morty: You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down!

Rick: Morty, just put it down. You don’t know what you’re doing.

(Morty turns to a wall and fires a portal.)

Morty: I’m going to go find Mom and Dad.

Rick: Nooooo!

(Morty jumps through the portal and Rick tries to grab him, but the portal closes.)

Rick: Ahhhh, sh**!

President: Ah, sh**.

(Morty steps through different portals to different worlds, ending up in Buttworld.)

Morty: Ahhh, sh**.

(Outside of the Smiths’ home, Summer, Beth and Jerry are hoeing the front yard.)

Summer: And then Ethan played guitar and we learned the Seven Contemplations of the Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the head!

Jerry and Beth: Praise be the…

Jerry: Yeah.

(Principal Vagina arrives on a bicycle with a seat, bell ringing.)

Principal Vagina: Hi folks, Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It’s 6 p.m., so if you’re a parent, you’re now entitled to adoration from your children.

Summer: I’m going to start dinner! (walks into the house)

Beth: I don’t know what to say. Summer is doing really well here.

Jerry: She’s aced every test in potato class, and look how important potatoes have become.

(Someone tied to balloons floats by in the background with label “Inappropriate Joke Teller”.)

Beth: She’s not getting pregnant or doing drugs or missing curfew…

Balloon Man: Please help me! You can reach me if you try. Please help me!!

Beth: That’s not our business as long as Summer is thriving!

(Inside the Smiths’ house, Summer serves dinner at the table.)

Summer: Taco time! (Summer pulls off the lid to reveal exactly 12 tacos.) I hope it pleases you as the head desires.

Beth: That’s wonderful, Summer!

Jerry: We’re so proud of you. But honestly, you don’t have to make dinner every night.

Summer: Of course I do, silly! (gasps and drops lid) Oh my God, daddy, I’m sorry I called you silly! I’m so sorry! (turns around and drops to knees) Heavenly head and cranial creator! Forgive my transgressions against family and community! May my chores complete me as I complete them!

(Summer sulks out of the dining room and up the stairs.)

(Morty stumbles out of a portal on a green world and collapses to the ground holding the portal gun. A figure looms over Morty, pokes him with a stick, then rolls him over.)

Birdperson: Morty.

Morty: Birdperson?

Birdperson: You appear to be dying. I will make efforts to prevent this, but can promise nothing.

(In the studio, Rick plays with the keyboard and Ice-T is in the corner on his phone.)

Rick: Wh-What do you think, Ice? Probably a little over-developed.

Ice-T: Shit. Over-developed, under-developed. Bad songs are bad songs.

Rick: Well, do you think maybe, could you give me some help with it, or… ?

Ice-T: Ah, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can’t afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I’m sayin’?

Rick: Ice, I don’t want to be a negative Nelly or anything, but *burp* if Morty doesn’t come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it’s, uh, kind of your problem too.

Ice-T: Pfff. I ain’t worried about no Earth blowin’ up, man.

Rick: What? Why not?

Ice-T: Yo, this is why.

(Ice-T transforms into a floating ice shard with the same face.)

Rick: What the f***? You can turn into ice?

Ice-T: My story begins at the dawn of time in the far away realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of the many stops on my lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don’t care if it blows up! Cause I’ll just be ice, floatin’ through space, like a comet!

Rick: Take it from me, Ice. *burp* You can’t just *burp* float around space not caring about stuff forever.

Ice-T: Pshhhh. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick.

(Ice-T blasts out of the ceiling of the studio.)

President: Ok, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to “get schwifty.”

Nathan: Oh, for God’s sake, that’s enough.

(Nathan pulls a gun on the President)

President: What the hell are you doing, Nathan? I’m the goddamn President of the United f***in’ States!

Nathan: I’m setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth’s performance. And you, Mr. President, I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun!

President: Wait, wait, wait, why-why --

(Nathan pistol-whips the President and he falls to the ground.)

(At Birdperson’s residence, Birdperson serves Morty a bowl of food and tinkers with the portal gun.)

Birdperson: I believe I can access the history of Rick’s gun and help you get back to him.

Morty: But can you help me get to my family? You know, at my house?

Birdperson: Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? In bird culture, this is considered a dick move.

Morty: All of Rick’s moves are dick moves! Wh-what am I eating? What is this, bird seed?

Birdperson: It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don’t know what humans eat.

(Tammy arrives wearing a bathrobe.)

Tammy: You know what THIS human eats!

Birdperson: Don’t be gross, Tammy.

Tammy: (leans over to Morty and whispers) Bird… d***.

Morty: Tammy… gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He doesn’t think about the consequences of anything he does.

Birdperson: And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other. And the reason I’m alive at all.

(Birdperson points to a wall of photos of himself and Rick together. Last shown is Rick holding a baby.)

Morty: What’s that? Who’s that baby?

Birdperson: Morty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick?

(Morty stands in thought for a moment. Planet Music starts back up on the TV.)

Cromulon: That was Chunky Tunk with “Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorp Dorp.” Up next, planet Earth!

Morty: Oh God! We’re up?!?!

(At the church, Principal Vagina and other priests are talking with Jerry and Beth.)

Principal Vagina: Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world.

Beth: The world?

Principal Vagina: Headism is a hit. We’re taking it worldwide and would like Jerry to be our church’s “Head” of Advertising.

Jerry: You… would?

Principal Vagina: Beth, we’d like to promote you from horse surgeon, straight past human surgeon, to “Head” of Medicine.

Beth: That’s my dream! That’s my dream.

Jerry: Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, but, uh… we can’t.

Beth: Absolutely not.

Principal Vagina: I’m sorry?

Beth: We’ve been waiting 16 years for our daughter to respect us, but the key is, it has to be “our” daughter, not this person she’s become.

Jerry: We’ll take our chances raising her without fancy new jobs outside of a potato-based religion. (turns and puts his hands on Beth’s shoulders) And you know what? I’m sick of pretending that we’re together because of the kids in the first place! I married you because you’re the love of my life!

Beth: (puts her hands on Jerry’s sides) And I‘m lucky to have you and I never tell you that! You know, we will come out of this stronger as a family!

(Cut: Summer has tied Beth and Jerry to ropes and balloons outside.)

Beth: Please don’t do this, please don’t do this! Summer!

Jerry: Summer, listen carefully. I stole a paper clip and I have it in my cheek but I don’t know what to do with it and it hurts.

Summer: You’re going to be ok! (ties another balloon to them) You will come back as babies!

Jerry: I AM a baby! I’m a baby NOW!

(In the now empty studio, a portal opens up and Morty steps through.)

Morty: Hello? Is anybody here? (looks through the studio window and sees the President tied up) Mr. President!

(Morty darts out of the studio to the President and unties him. The President climbs up to the console and presses a button)

President: This is Bluebird. Code tango-niner-alpha. Abort launch. Abort! Hello? (releases button) He’s blocked me out.

Morty: Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get schwifty!

President: It won’t matter how schwifty you get, Morty. The General’s got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth’s song!

Morty: Oh my God! C-c-can you fly a Blackhawk?

President: Can the Pope’s d*** fit through a donut?

Morty: Uhhh, I’m not sure?

President: Exactly!

(On the stage, Rick stands before the Cromulons.)

Cromulon: SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.

Rick: Ahem. (starts a low-key, bouncy song) Uhhh… lop-oo-lop-oo-lop-oo-dups, nop-oo-nop-oo-nop-oo-nuts.

(Outside the church, Principal Vagina is preparing to cut Beth and Jerry loose. The Cromulons' faces become angry.)

Principal Vagina: Headward free now to rise!

Mr. Goldenfold: Hey! Look at the heads! Looks like the heads are gettin’ angry!

(In the desert, the President flies the helicopter clumsily to the stage with Morty in tow.)

President: I’m really bad at this, Morty! There are way too many buttons on this thing!

Morty: Mr. President, if I’ve learned one thing today, it’s that sometimes, you have to not give a f***!

(On the stage, Rick continues his song.)

Rick: Nup-oo-nup-oo-nup-oo-nups… ooh, tough crowd.

(Outside the church, Principal Vagina is preparing to cut Beth and Jerry loose.)

Principal Vagina: I’m sure that has… that has nothing to do with this.

(Principal Vagina cuts the rope and the Cromulons immediately start booing.)

Summer: The heads are displeased! (She jumps and grabs Beth and Jerry’s legs.)

Ethan: Summer! (He jumps and grabs her.)

(On the stage Rick continues his song as the Blackhawk arrives. Morty and the President slide down ropes out of the helicopter onto the stage.)

Rick: Morty!

(The Cromulons begin cheering with “Yay!” and “Hooray!” etc. with smiles on their faces. The now unmanned helicopter crashes off frame.)

(Outside the church, Summer and Ethan are pulling Beth and Jerry down to the ground.)

Mr. Goldenfold: The heads love this! They love it when we DON’T kill the Smith family!

(The balloons are released, but Beth and Jerry are still tied up.)

Principal Vagina: No! Stop that! You’re not allowed to interpret the will of the heads!

(On the stage, the President grabs the microphone and speaks to the control room staff.)

President: Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President. Stop the nuclear missile launch!

Nathan: Just launch the missiles!

(Nathan smashes a button and two nuclear missiles emerge from the ground in the desert. The Cromulons watch as the missiles fly toward the yellow Cromulon and lay puny explosions on its chin.)

Cromulon: BOO! NOT COOL!

(Outside the church)

Principal Vagina: I’m the only one that speaks to the heads!

(Cromulon zooms in close to Earth)

Cromulon: DISQUALIFIED!

Mr. Goldenfold: The heads disqualified Vagina! Get him!

(The mob runs toward Principal Vagina. The Cromulon zooms closer.)

(On the stage)

Cromulon: DISQUALIFIED! DISQUALIFIED!

(The plasma ray points toward Earth and begins powering up. The control room staff evacuates. The plasma ray heads right for the stage but something flies in the way and blocks it.)

All: Ice-T?

(Ice-T slowly crumbles from the plasma ray’s power)

Ice-T: That’s right, it’s me, Ice-T! I care now! You made me care more! With all due respect, I’d like to hear what Rick and Morty have to play.

Morty: What do you say, Rick?

Rick: I say… (grabs mic) Let’s do it!

(Morty presses a button on the keyboard and a different beat starts playing. The heads start with “Hooray” etc while smiling. Rick claps over his head and Morty dances a little.)

Rick: All right!

Morty: Ohhhh yeahhhh!

Rick: Come on, here we go!

Morty: Ohhhh yeahhhh!

Rick: Say it with me!

All: Head bent over

Raised up posterior

Head bent over (ahh yeah)

Raised up posterior

(Outside the church, Principal Vagina is ties up with balloons and rope. A different person cuts the rope. Vagina sees the heads smiling as he rises.)

Principal Vagina: Ohhh my GOOOOODDDD!!!

(On the stage)

All: Head bent over (yeah)

Raised up posterior (oh yeah)

Head bent over (oh yeah)

(Raised up posterior!)

Cromulon: After 988 seasons of Planet Music, the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion. Goodbye!

(Earth is transported back to the right place.)

All: Yeah, we did it!

(Outside the church, everyone is still and silent.)

Mr. Goldenfold: Did he just say “musical reality show”?

Jerry: Yeah, it’s possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren’t actually related at all.

(Principal Vagina floats by in the background.)

Principal Vagina: HEEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!

Beth: We should go get him.

(At Area 51, everyone is celebrating. The President shakes hands with Morty.)

President: I hope I can call on you again if we need you, Morty.

Morty: Sure thing! And I was kinda hoping that I could get a selfie with you?

(The President waves over Secret Service.)

President: Actually, if you try to tell anyone what happened here, we’ll deny it and probably worse.

(A Secret Service agent grabs Morty’s phone and snaps it in half.)

Morty: Understood.

(Nathan runs toward them with a gun.)

Nathan: DIIIIEEEE!!!!

(He is hit with an energy blast from Rick and disappears.)

President: Why didn’t he turn into a snake?

Rick: Trade secret, Mr. President. Particle beam in a wristwatch… snake holster on the leg.

(He pulls up his pant leg to reveal a holster which a snake crawls out of. The snake slithers away and a soldier whistles impressed. The President begins laughing and hugs Rick.)

President: I love this man!

[CREDITS]

(On Alphabetrium, Ice-T enters a great hall containing his elders: a grey J, a gaseous F with a female face, and a Q made of lava. All three are holding different scepters.)

Ice-T: Magnesium-J, Hydrogen-F. Father.

Magnesium-J: Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have travelled across the galaxy.

Ice-T: I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium.

Magnesium-J: Very well. Your exile ends today!

(All three press their scepters on the ground and the scepters glow. The beams form another beam that hits Ice-T and transforms him into a letter T made of water.)

Magnesium-J: Welcome home... Water-T.

(The hall shakes and begins falling apart.)

Purple-P: The Numbericons! They’re attacking!

Magnesium-J: Battle stations!

(A piece of the building falls on Magma-Q. Water-T runs over to him.)

Water-T: Father!

Magma-Q: I love you son. I should have never turned you to ice. (He dies.)

(Water-T produces a pistol on each T-end and begins walking out.)

Magnesium-J: Water-T, where are you going? There’s too many of them!

(A dramatic zoom to Water-T’s face.)

Water-T: Then I better crunch the numbers.

(Water-T bursts out of the door shooting at several Numbericons. The frame freezes mid-action and we hear gunshots and screaming. A title appears: “This summer: Water-T And The Rise Of The Numbericons.”)

[END]