TV or Not TV (Pinky and the Brain)

CELEBRITY, PINKY; A WEIRD AND MAGICAL POWER, AND THOSE WHO HAVE IT WIELD TREMENDOUS INFLUENCE. FEW CAN AVOID THE ENCHANTMENT OF ITS SPELL. DO YOU KNOW WHAT GIVES THEM THIS POWER? PINKY?

LOOK AT ME, BRAIN! I'M ON CLUTCH CARGO! NARF! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! HEY, PADDLEFOOT, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THE QUARTER POUNDER IN FRANCE? HA HA HA--AHH!

ENOUGH GAY BANTER. PINKY, BEHOLD THE KEY TO THE POWER OF ATTRACTION.

PUSHPINS! HURRAH!

NO, PINKY, THIS! A WINNING SMILE.

OH, RIGHT, AND A NICE HEALTHY GUM.

AND A NICE HEALTHY GUM. I HAVE TAKEN THIS IDEA, PINKY, OF THE INFLUENTIAL SMILE TO A NEW LEVEL-- A LEVEL OF NO LESS THAN WORLD DOMINATION! BEHOLD THE GREAT CAPITULATOR!

OH! EGAD, BRAIN, IT'S... WHEN DID YOU HAVE TIME TO MAKE THAT?

WHILE YOU WERE SO ENGROSSED IN YOUR MR. BELVEDERE RERUNS.

OH, I MISS HIM.

BY MANIPULATING ADHESIVE QUALITIES OF POLYMER-BASED ALKYDS AND CALCIUM-METRIC PLATFORM BASES, WE CAN SYNTHESIZE A RESINOUS CLADDING FOR THE FOREMOST BONELIKE STRUCTURES ROOTED IN MY JAW SOCKET.

YOU MEAN LIKE, UM...

YES. DENTURES.

OH, BRAIN, THAT'S ENCHANTING!

IRONICALLY, PINKY, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS, FOR THE REFLECTIVE VIBRATIONS OF MY SMILE STIMULATE THE MEDULLA OBLONGATA, CAUSING THE VIEWER TO ADORE ME FOR NO GOOD REASON. ERGO, INSTANT CELEBRITY!

ZORT! I'M ADORING YOU FOR NO GOOD REASON.

PINKY, NOTHING YOU DO IS FOR GOOD REASON. ONCE THE WORLD VIEWS MY HAPPY GRIN, THEY WILL BE OUR WILLING FOLLOWERS.

EGAD, BRAIN! BRILLIANT! OH, WAIT! NO, NO! WHAT IF THEY'RE WEARING SUNGLASSES?

HMM. WE'LL WORK NIGHTS. BUT FIRST, WE NEED MASS EXPOSURE.

HMM. I'M THINKING WHAT WOULD MR. BELVEDERE DO?

I BELIEVE HE WOULD EAT SOME BUTTER. I'M AFRAID, MY FRIEND, THAT YOU'VE SEEN WAY TOO MUCH OF MISTER-- YES! THAT'S IT! PINKY, ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING?

WELL, I THINK SO, BRAIN, BUT IT'S A MIRACLE THAT THIS ONE GREW BACK.

NO, PINKY. WE SHALL USE A WEAPON OF GREAT STEALTH, POWER, AND CORRUPTION-- OUR OWN SITCOM.

I'LL TELL YOU GUYS RIGHT NOW, I ONLY HAVE ROOM FOR ONE MORE SITCOM IN THE SCHEDULE.

WELL, THEN WE'RE THE GUYS WITH THE SHOW. I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT.

GO. NO, NO, I MEAN, TELL ME YOUR IDEAS. START.

OK, OK, OK.

SO THERE'S THIS GUY, RIGHT, AND GET THIS-- HE DESIGNS BIKINIS.

HA HA HA!

YEAH, TINY LITTLE BIKINIS.

HA HA HA!

YEAH, MINUSCULE, SO, LIKE, LOTS OF SUPERMODELS.

Both: HA HA HA! OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH! OK, OK, OK, OK.

SO HERE'S THE HOOK. HE'S PRETENDING TO BE BLIND. GET IT? HA HA HA!

WHO'S THERE? WHO'S THERE? HA HA HA!

I KILL ME! WHO'S THERE? OH, WHO'S THERE? HA HA HA!

AH, WE'RE REALLY NOT LOOKING FOR ANY SMART STUFF.

HERE HE COMES.

ANY LUCK, BRAIN? BRAIN?

YES! TO THE TELEVISION STATION!

HA HA HA!

[SIREN]

DRAT! THE MAN.

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF YOU, SPEEDY. HOW OLD ARE YOU?

I'M 2.

DON'T MESS WITH ME, PUNK. YOU UNDERSTAND?

WHY, CERTAINLY.

I'M ADORING YOU FOR NO GOOD REASON.

I KNOW.

WHEE! OH, THAT WAS FUN, BRAIN!

FROM NOW ON, PINKY, WE MUST USE NEW NAMES-- TYPICAL OF THE ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS. YOU WILL BE JONATHAN MICHAEL CHARLES AND I WILL BE JAMAAL SPELLING.

RIGHT-O, BRAIN-- UM, JAMAAL. NARF!

Brain: EXCUSE ME. WE'RE HERE TO PITCH, AS THEY SAY, A SITCOM IDEA.

APPOINTMENT?

I'M SURE YOU CAN WORK US IN.

YOU'RE NEXT FOR NO GOOD REASON.

THANKS, BUT NO THANKS, GUYS.

WAIT! WAIT! CHECK THIS IDEA OUT. IT'S ABOUT A GUY-- OK, ME, WHO ALWAYS PUTS HIS FOOT IN HIS MOUTH. AND I'M NOT KIDDING! WHAT DO YOU SAY?

I SAY LEAVE!

UH! [WHISTLING]

WE'LL TALK.

[GROANING] OOH. OH. CAN'T I EVER JUST SEE SOMEONE NORMAL?

AHEM.

THANK GOODNESS. PLEASE SIT.

THANK YOU. THIS IS JONATHAN MICHAEL CHARLES, AND I AM JAMAAL SPELLING.

YOU GUYS HAVE QUITE A LOOK.

THANK YOU.

NOW, WHAT DO YOU GOT FOR ME?

EGAD, BRAIN! HE'S NOT ADORING YOU FOR NO GOOD REASON!

DRAT! IT MUST BE THOSE SUNGLASSES. WELL, UH, WE'RE YOUNG, HIP ADULTS

AND HIJINKS ENSUE!

WHO SIT ON A BIG FAT COUCH AND WHINE

WITH DISASTROUS RESULTS

AND HAVE LOTS OF GENERATION X FRIENDS WHO TRADE ZIPPY, SARCASTIC BANTER.

AND I HAVE A MONKEY!

HMM. FRESH, BUT TELL ME, WHAT REALLY BRINGS YOU HERE? WHAT ARE YOU, JAMAAL AND JONATHAN, ALL ABOUT?

ACTUALLY, WE ARE TWO LAB MICE INVOLVED IN A BROAD AND SWEEPING PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

HA HA HA! HA HA HA! TAKE OVER THE WORLD! I LOVE IT!

LAB MICE TAKING OVER THE WORLD? THESE ARE THE JOKES?

THEY'RE STEALING OUR SPOT, MAN!

I LIKE IT, BUT I'M GOING TO PASS. YOUR STUFF IS VERY FUNNY, YOU'VE DEFINITELY GOT A LOOK, BUT NOBODY KNOWS WHO YOU ARE. YOU KNOW WHAT SELLS A SITCOM?

THE WORD "BUTT"?

HA HA HA! YOU'RE GOOD. BUT I'M TALKING ABOUT PERSONALITY-- KNOWN PERSONALITY. YOU GUYS ARE NOBODIES. THE DAY I SEE YOUR FACE ON THE COVER OF PEOPLE MAGAZINE, IS THE DAY YOU GET A SITCOM. [CHUCKLING] TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! OH!

EGAD, BRAIN! I KNOW HOW YOU CAN GET ON THE COVER OF PEOPLE. MARRY PRINCE CHARLES.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS, PINKY. WHO'D WANT TO MARRY SOMEONE WITH EARS LIKE THAT? PRINCESS DIANA, ON THE OTHER HAND, I ADMIT I'VE ALWAYS FOUND ATTRACTIVE. YOU KNOW, PINKY, THE PATH I MUST FOLLOW IS THE SAME ONE FOLLOWED BY THE LEADING SITCOM STARS OF THE DAY. I MUST BECOME A SUCCESSFUL STAND-UP COMEDIAN.

[ENGINE STARTS]

BUT, BRAIN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT TAKES TO BECOME A STAND-UP COMEDIAN?

HMM. THE WORD "BUTT"?

HA HA HA! HA HA HA!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

ALL THE SUCCESSFUL COMEDIANS, PINKY, HAVE AN INDIVIDUAL VOICE-- A STYLE. I MUST FIND MY VOICE.

OH, I KNOW, BRAIN. HOW ABOUT THIS ONE? [IN RASPY VOICE] OH, HEY, YOU! OH, THIS IS MY VOICE.

PINKY, YOU'RE MAKING A CASE FOR VIVISECTION.

HELLO, FOLKS, WELCOME TO OPEN MIC NIGHT AT THE GIGGLE AND GUZZLE. LET'S PUT THEM TOGETHER FOR NEWCOMER JAMAAL SPELLING.

THE TEETH, BRAIN.

ARE YOU SUGGESTING I CAN'T ELICIT A LAUGH FROM SOME PATHETIC CLUBGOERS? BESIDES, THOSE THINGS ARE MAKING MY GUMS ALL PUFFY.

YOU'RE ON, KID.

MY COMEDY JACKET, PINKY. HEY, HOW ABOUT THOSE MITOCHONDRIA? DO THEY HAVE ENOUGH CILIA, OR WHAT? [CRICKETS CHIRPING] HEY, THAT'S THE CHUMP WHO'S STEALING OUR CHANCE FOR A SITCOM! HEY, WHY DON'T YOU TELL A JOKE YOU KNOW! DID YOU EVER NOTICE HOW, WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR OF A QUADRANT ELECTROMETER YOUR FOREHEAD SEEMS LARGE? WHY IS THAT? [CRICKETS CHIRPING] YOU STINK! HEY, LET'S SEE YOU PUT YOUR FOOT IN YOUR MOUTH! CAN YOU DO THAT? HMM? CAN YOU? AHEM. I JUST FLEW IN FROM CLEVELAND AND BOY, ARE MY UPPER EXTREMITIES FATIGUED BY A BUILD UP OF LACTIC ACID. BOO! GO BACK TO YOUR TROLL VILLAGE, SQUIRT! WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT? I FIND YOU REPUGNANT. Both: HA HA HA! HA HA HA! YOUR STUPIDITY IS MATCHED ONLY BY THE ILSLIP CATERPILLAR THAT CHEWS OFF ITS OWN WINGS AFTER EMERGING FROM ITS COCOON. Both: HA HA HA! HA HA HA! All: HA HA HA! IN FACT, ALL OF YOU, YOU'RE JUST A GAGGLE OF PATHETICALLY MISGUIDED ROOT DIGGERS. All: HA HA HA! WHY DON'T YOU ALL-- WHY DON'T YOU STAND UNDER A STALACTITE AND BELLOW THE RESONANT ROOM FREQUENCY CAUSING IT TO PLUMMET ONTO YOUR CRANIUM. [LAUGHTER] YOU'RE REPUGNANT! I SAY REPUGNANT! EGAD, BRAIN! NARF! THEY LOVED YOU! [AUDIENCE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY] YES! LOOK OUT, DON RICKLES, 'CAUSE OUR COMEDY CHALLENGER IS A MASTER OF INSULTS, A PRINCE OF PUT-DOWNS, JAMAAL SPELLING! HA HA HA! YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF CREVULATING NITWITS WITH PEAT MOSS FOR A CORTEX. REPUGNANT! NEXT ON "G!", HOWIE TERN HOSTS COMEDIAN JAMAAL SPELLING! SO, JAMAAL SPELLING. WHAT KIND OF STUPID NAME IS THAT? COME ON, WHAT'S YOUR REAL NAME? MY REAL NAME IS THE BRAIN, AND YOU, MY UNWASHED FRIEND, ARE REPUGNANT. HA HA HA! OH, YOU'RE HOT, BABY. HE HE! UH, MY NEXT GUEST-- PAUL, DO YOU KNOW WHO OUR NEXT GUEST IS? DAVE, I KNOW HE'S A BEAUTIFUL KINDA NUTTY CAT WHO'S JUST GOT US ALL A-WOW. UH, HE HE! HERE HE IS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR YOUR COMEDY DOLLAR, JAMAAL SPELLING! [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] SOMEBODY HERE SMELLS LIKE A COAGULATED AGAR SLANT GROWING IN A PETRI DISH. REPUGNANT! REPUGNANT! REPUGNANT! REPUGNANT! WELCOME, MR. KILMER. THANKS. WHAT'S THAT SMELL? LEMUR JUICES IT'LL RELAX YOUR COLON. MY SECRETARY SENT ME HERE. ACTUALLY, I FEEL KIND OF STUPID. OH, HONEY, THAT'S A GOOD THING. IF THERE WEREN'T ANY STUPID PEOPLE, I WOULDN'T HAVE ANY BUSINESS. NOW, YOU GOT SOME PAIN? YEAH, I FELL OUT OF MY CHAIR. I'M GOING TO HYPNOTIZE YOU, SO RELAX. THIS WILL MAKE YOU SLEEPY. WHAT IS IT? A KENNY G. ALBUM. OK, YOU'RE IN A TRANCE. I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A RANDOM WORD. IF YOU FEEL PAIN, SAY THAT WORD. YOU'LL FEEL GOOD. BUT, CAREFUL, 'CAUSE IF YOU SAY IT WHEN YOU'RE FEELING GOOD, THE PAIN WILL COME BACK--BAD. [SNORE] AND YOUR RANDOM WORD ISREPUGNANT. HEY, I FEEL GOOD! REPUGNANT. UH! REPUGNANT. OOOH. THERE YOU GO. NOW, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A CERAMIC TROLL? TV: TONIGHT ON CIRCUS OF THE STARS, HARRY DEAN ANDERSON GETS SHOT OUT OF A GIANT PASTA MAKER, COMEDIAN JAMAAL SPELLING FLIES THE TRAPEZE, AND BOB SAGET GETS TRAMPLED BY A BEAR--WE HOPE. EGAD, BRAIN! CIRCUS OF THE STARS! NARF! YOU REALLY MADE IT! I WANT TO BE ON CIRCUS OF THE STARS! I WANT TO BE SHOT OUT OF A CANNON! PREFERABLY WITHOUT A HELMET, BUT YOU ARE CORRECT, MY FUN-LOVING LITTLE FRIEND. I HAVE REALLY MADE IT. SOON, PINKY, THEY'LL GIVE US OUR OWN SITCOM, AND THEN, THE WORLD! BUT, BRAIN, YOU STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN ON THE COVER OF PEEPLE MAGAZINE. YES. HMM. IT'S TIME TO USE PLAN "B," PINKY. THERE WAS AN "A"? POIT! [DIAL TONE] OPERATOR. YES. CONNECT ME WITH BUCKINGHAM PALACE, PLEASE. EGAD, YOU DID IT, BRAIN! THE COVER OF PEEPLE! NARF! YES! HE DID IT. THE LITTLE SQUIRT! NINA--NINA, GET ME JAMAAL SPELLING ON THE PHONE. HA HA! YOU DID IT! OW! OH, REPUGNANT. AHH! WOW. THAT REALLY WORKS. [TELEPHONE RINGS] [RING] Woman: YOU HAVE REACHED ACME LABS. WE ARE TEMPORARILY CLOSED DUE TO MASSIVE BUDGET CUTS WHICH BASICALLY PUT US ALL OUT ON THE STREETS! [BEEP] UH, YEAH, THIS IS JERRY KILMER CALLING FOR JAMAAL SPELLING. I-- HELLO, HELLO, THIS IS JAMAAL SPELLING. JAMAAL! FUNNY, FUNNY MESSAGE, BABE! LISTEN, CONGRATS ON THE PEEPLE COVER. I THINK WE'RE GOING TO MAKE A SITCOM TOGETHER. CAN YOU SEND ME A VIDEOTAPE OF YOUR ACT? GLADLY. MAKE ME LAUGH, JAMAAL, AND YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A SITCOM. WHY DON'T YOU ALL-- WHY DON'T YOU STAND UNDER A STALACTITE AND BELLOW THE RESONANT ROOM FREQUENCY CAUSING IT TO PLUMMET ONTO YOUR CRANIUM! YOU'RE REPUGNANT! OW! I SAY REPUGNANT! AHH! CREVULATING NITWITS WITH PEAT MOSS FOR A CORTEX. REPUGNANT! OW! REPUGNANT! AHH. REPUGNANT! OW! REPUGNANT! REPUGNANT! AAH! I'LL GET YOU JAMAAL SPELL-- [CRASH] WE MUST HAVE AN EXEMPLARY IDEA FOR THIS SHOW, PINKY. BRAIN! EGAD! THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE SHOW! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ABOUT NOTHING. YOU AND ME! IT'S A SHOW ABOUT NOTHING! THE FACT THAT YOUR MIND IS NOT CLOUDED BY MEDICATION ONLY FILLS ME WITH PITY. [TELEPHONE RINGS] [RING] THIS IS JAMAAL SPELLING. HI, JAMAAL. THIS IS NINA AT THE TV STATION. CAN YOU COME DOWN FOR A MEETING? UM-HMM. HELLO, NINA. HI, JONATHAN. HI, JAMAAL. YOU GUYS GO RIGHT ON IN. HE'S WAITING FOR YOU. GLAD TO SEE US? Kilmer: YES, I AM. AAH! UH! NARF. [CRUNCH] I SENSE FAILURE. HEY, WHAT'S THIS? OH, GOOD. ONE MORE THING YOU CAN PUT IN YOUR MOUTH. HI, WE GOT AN APPOINTMENT. HEY, MR. KILMER. HOW YOU DOING? A LITTLE BETTER RIGHT NOW. SOMETHING ELSE FELL THROUGH. WHAT DO YOU GUYS GOT FOR ME, HUH? OK, OK, IT'S A LITTLE HIGH-CONCEPT, BUT IT'S PERFECT FOR US, AND I THINK YOU'LL LIKE IT. IT'S A SHOW ABOUT WHO WANT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD. HA HA HA! I LIKE THAT! I LIKE THAT A LOT! LET'S DO IT! AND, I'M ADORING YOU FOR NO GOOD REASON. YOU SAID HE'D CALL IT REPUGNANT! AAH! TV: HEY, CORTEX, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO TONIGHT? SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT, GIMPY-- TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! THE WORD UPCHUCK KEEPS COMING TO ME. WE MUST THINK OF SOMETHING NO ONE ELSE WOULD DO. HOW ABOUT PUTTING MY FOOT IN MY MOUTH, LIKE THIS. ENOUGH FICTION FOR TONIGHT, PINKY. WE MUST PLAN FOR TOMORROW. WHAT, BRAIN? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TOMORROW NIGHT? THE SAME THING WE DO--FOR REAL-- EVERY NIGHT, PINKY-- TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! THEY'RE DINKY THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN