Terms of Endaredevil

[ thunder crashing ] [ drilling, sawing ] [ electricity crackling ] it's alive! and now the secret origin of Mo-larr, eternian dentist! Moe larrstein was just an Average citizen until, one Fateful day [ school bell rings ] The day he took his s. A. T. S! [ ding! ] With a math score of 520, the University of eternia was Marginally impressed. Acceptance! Now there was only one thing Left to do -- apply for a Student loan! An unsubsidized loan was Available at a rate of 6. 8%. But in the most dramatic twist Yet, moe qualified for a Subsidized federal loan at a Rate of 5. 6%! Moe suddenly realized that his Student loan was tax-deductible. His deduction could be claimed Whether or not he itemized said Deductions, as long as he used The proceeds from the loans for Qualified education expenses, Such as room, board, tuition, Fees, books, and other supplies. His deductions were valid, but Only if he attended classes at Least part-time in a recognized And accredited program! When we return, learn which of Mo-larr's credits transferred to His new school. The answers will shock you. and I'm also a client. and now a sneak peek at "transformers 3. " careful, sam. If megatron gets the allspark, He will rule the entire Universe. Or it might kill him and then Possibly raise him from the Dead. Frankly, sam, I don't [bleep] Know what the allspark does. starts Friday. so, after you discarded the Official massachusetts Curriculum, what did you teach Your science class? well, I simply told my Students that when you study how The pieces of our world fit Together, it's obvious it was Made by a higher creative Intelligence. [ jurors booing ] he's a monster! no, please! I don't want this! Aah! now rub it in. Rub it in all over. [ crying ] oh, yeah. That's the stuff. Oh, yeah, I smell it. I can smell you from here. Oh, my goodness. Oh, if I puncture you, you're Gonna ooze juices. and now a sneak peek at "transformers 3. " yo, dude, have you seen my Teddy bear? yeah, my mom said it was Dirty. She was cleaning it. dude, I had a bag of Angel dust in there! oh, no! [ munching ] no, mom! bargain gravy starlight Pumpkin dollars! mom, mom, mom, mom! Mom, you are talking crazy. aaaaaaaaah! mom! unh! starts Friday. well, I'd like to do that, But it's against my religion, You know. [ oinks, scoffs ] raaaaah! Oh! You must be here for the -- raaaaaaaah! Hey, feel free to look around And -- if you need any help carrying The -- [ flames whoosh ] who dares disturb the slumber Of the ancients?! Prepare to be -- Oh! You want that. Oh, heavens, yes. It's all yours. In fact, if you'd like -- No way! Tell me you did not just -- Oh, that is -- That's just spiteful is what That is! You know what? [bleep] you, all right? Just [bleep] you! hello, governor! Ready for a new season of Tracey ullman's "state of the union"? I can do impressions! "I am a jew. " "hey! I'm a cabbie!" "I'm an angry lady!" It's wonderful! [ slow-motion ] I created "the simpsons," sort of. this summerprepare yourself To feel With tobey maguire I love you, mom. And jake gyllenhaal. I also love you, mother. Gene shalit says I miss her. leonard maltin says I also miss her. viggo mortensen in "carlito's way" says Don't miss and now a sneak peek at "transformers 3. " [ telephone rings ] [ indian accent ] hello. Customer support. [ indian accent ] where is The nearest deli? you mean an old deli or a "new deli"? thank you! Come again! who wants to be a Millionaire?! [ bollywood-style music plays ] starts Friday. much appreciate you letting Me stay here, son. I'm sure the bank just had some Kind of computer snafu. You know, that happens all the Time. I'll be out of here in no time. if skeletor's army manages to Breach the -- adam! Hey, check it out -- Cheese and crackers. I call 'em "chackers. " Who wants some chackers? Oh, the towel. Well, me and chackers here get a Little crumby watching my Stories. Ah, you guys are working. I'll be in the den. I have the power! but do you have the remote? Ha ha! I was just joking. I thought it'd be, you know Anyway, you're busy. [ roaring ] hey, adam! I can't find discovery channel For the life of me. Do we even get that? It's shark week! bum, bum, ba Love me some shark week. Never missed it. True story. All right, if you think of the Channel, give me a little Shouty-shout. Back to work. [ sighs ] Sack whack! I'm sure you'll be happy here, Dad. so, this is me placing an Order for some spicy nachos, Some guacamole -- wouldn't mind That on the side. If you don't mind, the mild Kind, 'cause -- you'll observe "lights out," Or I'll knock your lights out. Take that in. [ door slams, locks ] [ inhales deeply ] [ sobbing ] this might hurt a bit. I doubt it. [ shudders ]

Gargamel laughs evilly in his hovel and approaches the machine used in the James Cameron film Avatar with Azrael watching.

Gargamel: Once I transfer my consciousness into a smurf body-

The capsule opens.

Gargamel: I'll infiltrate their village and destroy them all!

Azrael meows.

Gargamel: Will I what?!

Azrael meows again.

Gargamel: Will I fuck them before I eat them?!

Azrael meows negatively.

Gargamel: Oh, cook! Will I cook them before I eat them?

Gargamel and Azrael both laugh.

Gargamel: I was like that. You're almost looking for a new apartment, man. Seriously.

Gargamel enters the machine and closes his eyes. His consciousness is then transferred into a smurf body and the title of the sketch Smurfatar appears. Cut to Gargamel searching for the village.

Gargamel: Damn! Lost already.

A wolf howls and Gargamel panics.

Gargamel: What is that?! A wolf?! A fox?! Some other Party of 5 actor?!

Gargamel pauses for a few seconds. Then he pretends to hit a home run.

Gargamel: And it's out of here!

Imitates a roaring crowd.

Gargamel: Yes. Now, where was I? Oh, right. Terrified.

Gargamel looks through a brush and sees Smurfette bathing. He then turns to the audience.

Gargamel: I don't know what you're blurring out. Smurfs don't have nipples.

The censors disappear. Gargamel turns to the audience again.

Gargamel: Not arousing.

Cut to Gargamel in the smurf village surrounded by the smurfs.

Papa Smurf: A new smurf? Most unusual. What is your name, outsider?

Gargamel: Garga-Gi-Ga-Ga-Gar...Gargle Smurf.

Vanity slides up next to Gargamel.

Vanity Smurf: Oh, really? Well, tell me, how did you smurf that name?

Gargamel: (sighs) If you're asking whether I will gargle your balls, sir, the answer is no.

Vanity Smurf: Wha- moi?! That wasn't what I meant at all!

All the smurfs complain and Vanity walks away.

Papa Smurf: Then it's settled: Gargle Smurf must pass our tests to become a member of our village!

The smurfs cheer.

Papa Smurf: And Vanity's gay.

The smurfs cheer again and Vanity slides up next to Gargamel again. Cut to Gargamel and Brainy in Brainy's house discussing the definition of the word "Smurf."

Brainy Smurf: "Smurf" is not only a noun, but also a verb, adjective, an ad-smurf and a dangling parti-smurfle. Now, you try.

Gargamel: Uh, the smurf-

Brainy Smurf: Yes.

Gargamel: Smurfed-

Brainy Smurf: Mm-hmm.

Gargamel: In a very smurfy-

Brainy is unimpressed.

Gargamel: Smurf.

Brainy Smurf: It's like you're not even trying.

Cut to Gargamel and Smurfette on the edge of a steep cliff.

Smurfette: Now, you must tame your very own smurf-eating bird.

Vanity jumps out onto the cliff edge.

Vanity Smurf: Did somebody say "Smurf-eating-"

Smurfette and Gargamel: SHUT UP!!

Vanity jumps back to the village. Gargamel confronts the bird and the bird attempts to peck him.

Smurfette: You can do it, Gargle!

Gargamel gets onto the bird's back.

Gargamel: I smurfed it! I smurfed it!

The bird takes off and divebombs into the cliff and flies to its nest. It drops Gargamel into the nest and is surrounded by three baby chicks.

Gargamel: It's trying to feed me to its young!

Gargamel strangles a chick, breaks the second chick's neck and punches the third chick. He then rips off the strangled chick's head.

Gargamel: You won't get me!

Cut to Gargamel back in the smurf village as he's accepted into the village. The smurfs cheer and Gargamel is shaking Papa's hand. Smurfette then hugs Gargamel.

Smurfette: I'm so proud. Your bird accepted you as one of its very own children.

Gargamel looks worried.

Smurfette: Did you bond with your new brothers and sisters?

Gargamel: I sure did.

Cut to the smurfs dancing and celebrating and Gargamel looks upset. He then holds both of Smurfette's hands.

Gargamel: Smurfette, I have a confession.

Smurfette: A what?

Gargamel: A smurfession.

Smurfette: Oh, my!

Gargamel: I'm not really Gargle Smurf. I'm...I'm Gargamel.

The dancing stops and all of the smurfs growl menacingly towards Gargamel.

Gargamel: Wait, wait! I've seen how wrong I was all these years!

Random Smurf #1: Let's hear him out!

Random Smurf #2: Hear him out?! He ate Farmer Smurf last year!

Gargamel: In my other body, I was bitter and old; but, here, I've learned what it means to love.

Smurfs: Aww!

Gargamel: Can you find it in your hearts...to love me?

Smurfette and Vanity hug Gargamel and the other smurfs clap except for one.

Random Smurf #2: People! He beat Clumsy to death with a pipe!

Smurfette: Ohh! You're going to be a great smurf.

Gargamel: Smurfette, I finally feel like I belong! No one's ever depended on me before!

Cut back to the hovel with Azrael dead with flies buzzing around his corpse with an empty food dish next to him.

End of sketch

hey, son! Hey I don't like it here. I, uhWant to come home. dad no, no, no, before you go on, Look, I know I messed up, but You know what they say -- a Man's home is his castle, and, Uh, well, adam, my castle's Filled with death and urine. So, uh, what do you say? Can dear old dad get his old Room back? Huh? I mean, look, I'll -- I'll givee Table," I'll tell chackers to Take a hike. You remember when you fell off The structure and you had those Stitches, and -- and I ran you To the hospital? Hmm? Okay, guilty. That was "kramer vs. Kramer," But we saw it together. Okay, let's think about this One. the cat's in the cradle and Your dad is scared # Okay? Are you there? It sounds like you're working. Are you? Yeah, you're working. All right, give us a jingle back If you get a chance. I'll talk to you later, adam. This is your dad. ["melt with you" playing] Pure fun. Pure joy. Pure delicious chocolate. Pure hershey's.