Gi-Ants

(Scene opens up showing Mr. Slushy Burger while Jeremy and Candace are talking on their phones)

Jeremy: So, Candace, you made a teddy bear out of baklava?

Candace: Yeah, bears like honey. Bakalva's made with honey. (tastes some of her baklava bear)

Jeremy: (on phone) Oh, so it's like a statement?

Candace: You think it's weird, don't you?

Jeremy: No, not weird, it's just-- (a customer walks up) Oh, wait, I got a customer, Candace. I'll - I'll call you later, okay?

Candace: (hangs up) He thinks it's weird. Why is it that when Phineas and Ferb have an idea, everyone's like (deep voice) "Oh, wow, you guys are really clever!" (normal voice) And when I come up with something, everyone goes "What? Did you say something, Candace?" (picks up the baklava bear, now covered with ants) Oh you know what I'm talking about, baklava bear. Ew! (after seeing the ants, she quickly throws the bear onto the ground)

Phineas: Hey, Candace. Have you just seen a chicken wearing a baseball hat run by here?

Candace: No, why?

Phineas: It was his turn to bat and-- (notices the ants harvesting the broken baklava bear) Ooh! Are you still using these ants?

Candace: Those aren't my ants! Do whatever you want with them. (goes inside the house)

Phineas: Look, Ferb. Wouldn't it be great to be part of an ant society? They're so efficient and productive. They're like tiny "us-es". Hey, speaking of us, where's Perry?

(Switches to Perry's lair. Perry enters to find Carl, an angry Major Monogram, and a broken screen)

Major Monogram: Sorry, Agent P. Your monitor is on the fritz today...thanks to someone who isn't aware that croquet is an outdoor game.

Carl: Again, sir, there was nothing on the box to indicate--

Major Monogram: Anyway, let's get this show on the road, shall we? (Carl hoists a cardboard replica of the screen and stops it with a rock) Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been collecting some extremely unusual items the last few days. Uh, some of the odd purchases include—Carl, where are my inserts?

Carl: Oh, sorry, sir. Do that last bit again.

Major Monogram: (while he is speaking, Carl holds up images of each items) Some of the odd purchases include: biomolecular components simply used to make organic computers, a giant pilgrim hat, and most curious of all, a huge pair of food booties, used on the end of turkey legs for decoration. You know, Carl, I really like working live, it reminds me of my days in the theater group back at...The Academy.

(Flashback)

(people booing)

Man 1: Francis, you stink!

Man 2: Get off the stage!

(Flashback ends)

Major Monogram: Anywho, Dr. Doofenshmirtz is up to something sinister. Find out what it is and report back. Monogram, out. Carl, fade out. (Carl pushes a button on a remote which turns the room pitch black, and the only things visible are the eyes of Agent P, Carl and Major Monogram) Man. You can go now, Agent P. (he does so) Okay, Carl. Turn on the lights. (pause) Carl? (man laughing manically) Stop it, Carl.

Carl: That wasn't me.

(Switches to the Flynn-Fletcher backyard)

Phineas: Ladies and gentlemen, gape in awe at the sheer spectacle that is...the Antius Maximus!

(Ferb unveils the prototype version of the said invention, as a fly hits it)

Buford: Heh, more like the Anti-Cli-maximus. (elbows Baljeet) Hehheh, yeah?

Baljeet: (sarcastically) Yes, I got it.

Phineas: Oh that was just a scale model to get the investors interested. This is the real thing.

(screen pans over to the real version of the Antius Maximus)

Baljeet: Woah!

Isabella: How did we miss that?

Phineas: And right over there is Ferb's resize-nizer.

Baljeet: What does that do?

Phineas: Well, you find an anthill and then, you add a scoop of it to the pot. Then, the ant Resize-inizer will rain enlarging fluid onto the dirt pile, and cause the ants to move towards the large synthostatic light, making them bigger. Then they continue to the Antius Maximus, the perfect place for the larger ants to live. In no time, we should have an ant farm filled with giant ants. Or Gi-ants.

Isabella: (she and Baljeet applaud) Nice one!

Baljeet: Oh, Clever wordsmithing, good sir!

Phineas: Thank you.

Buford: Oh, fine. And I just get an eye-roll for Anti-Climaximus?

(Switches to Candace in her room)

Candace: Oh, what the heck is that thing? (walks out) Oh, I'm gonna go tell Mom.

(Switches to the exterior of the Antius Maximus, everyone is wearing headbands with ant antennae)

Phineas: In order to move amongst the ants without upsetting them, we need to douse ourselves in ant pheromones. It's sort of like ant cologne, which will make them think that we're one of them. But not too much! We don't want them getting too friendly! (presses a yellow button)

Buford: Bum bum bum...

Baljeet: Stop it, Buford.

(A pink gust of ant pheromones covers everyone, and an orchestral chord stings. Everyone but Phineas and Ferb scream and cough)

Buford: It smells like my grandma's house!

Isabella: Why does your grandmother's house smell like ant pheromone?

Buford: Have you met my grandma?

(They go inside)

Isabella: Let's go see what the ants think of our new cologne.

Phineas: You know what I like about our friends? We say things like "We're gonna douse you with ant pheromones" and they're just like "Okay, whatever". They're so cool!

(Switches to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, where Perry uses his grappling hook to climb to the top of the structure and gets trapped in a pilgrim hat)

Doofenshmirtz: Ha! (opens the buckle door) Perry the Platypus?

(Perry nudges his head down to a point where part of his face is visible)

Doofenshmirtz: There's my guy. Why the Thanksgiving-themed trap, you may ask? You know how you get all and lethargic after you eat Thanksgiving dinner? Well, it's not because you're really full and, you know, slightly out of shape. It's because of all the tryptophan in the turkey. Now imagine, if the turkey were say the size of...a car or a building, there would be no resisting the tryptophanicle level of nature's little sleeping potion. That—is why—I created: the Turkey-inator! (pauses for dramatic effect) Wait, can you—can you see it from that little door, or do I have to move the hat, or—you're good? You're good. With this, I will fly over the city turning things into turkey all willy nilly, then—no one will be able to resist the all of that perfectly cooked turkey, goodness. And once the tryptophan cooks in, I'll take over the Tri-State Area with ease! Won't that be trypto-fun? Heeheehee. You know, "tryptophan", trypto...it's...you know, like...I'm wasting all this wordsmithing on a platypus.

(Switches to the Garcia-Shapiro house)

Linda: (offscreen) Candace, you know Wednesday is my Famous Statues Life Drawing class. (she is dressed as the Statue of Liberty) This had better be important...

Candace: Mom, Phineas and Ferb are building a huge glass and sand thing in the yard, it looks like a giant ant farm, but I don't know what it does!

Linda: Candace, please--

Vivian: (offscreen) Hold still, Linda!

Linda: (through teeth) Look, Candace, this is just gonna have to wait until I can take a break.

Candace: But Mom, they're abusing their liberty! Don't you find that ironic?

Linda: Not enough to act upon right now, dear.

Candace: (leaving) Okay, fine.

(Switches back to Evil Incorporated)

Doofenshmirtz: So long, Perry the Platypus! Next time you see me, I will be the indisputable ruler of the Tri-State Area! (flies off on his inator) And when I say "indisputable", I mean totally disputable! Wait, no, no that doesn't work, I mean...uh-uh-putable! I-I mean puta—no. Eh, the moment's gone.

(Switches to the exterior of the Antius Maximus)

Candace: Phineas and Ferb, let me in! (pushes button; gets covered in ant pheromones) Ew! What the heck is wrong with this doorbell?! Hello? (pushes button again; gets covered in more pheromones) Ow! Oh, it got in my eyes! (pushes button once again; gets covered in more pheromones) Hellooooo?! (presses it three more times) Ugh, it tastes like Buford's grandmother's house! That is it! (goes inside Antius Maximus) When I lay my hands on them, aha! (while inside) Phineas and Ferb, you are soooo buuuu... (seeing giant ant) bu......bu...buggy? Yeah, uh, you know what? (chuckles) This is the wrong giant ant farm. I'm just gonna head out, okay? But being a job on the whole digging thing, really. Okay? (sees another ant) Oh, hello, yeah, take it easy.

(Song: "Ants")

(Ants...)

Candace: (sees more ants) ''(chuckles) I-I guess I can stay for a little. Ha! No need to crowd, okay?! '' Livin' in an ant society (Ants...)

With ants much bigger than you and me (Ants...)

Diggin' in tunnels, it's a crazy scene (Ants...)

With soldiers, drones and one big queen

Phineas: Cool!

(Ants...)

Ah, you can spend your lives in here, it's great

We can lift 10 times our body weight

(Ants...) (4x)

Phineas: Hey, I wonder where they're going?

Baljeet: Probably to see their queen.

Phineas: Good idea! Let's go see the queen! (seeing Candace in throne) Wow. Candace? You're queen?

Candace: You know, you should really fix that doorbell. I must've pressed it like 10 times, and all it did was squirt sticky stuff on me.

Phineas: The pheromones! Oh, that's why the ants think you're their queen! So, what's it like to have millions of ants at your beck and call?

Candace: Oh, it's great. Finally, someone understands my ideas. Only, they keep bringing me crumbs and grasshopper legs. I could really go for a salad. (an ant goes to make a salad) And you think, they'd have a fancy queen dress, or something. (another ant goes to make a dress)

Phineas: Hey, I wonder where are they going? (all but Candace exit)

Candace: Hey, get back here! What's the point of being queen if you're all alone?! (eating crumbs) Say, these bread crumbs aren't bad!

(Switches to the Turkey-inator)

Doofenshmirtz: Time to start my Turkey Takeover! Commence random firing! (the Turkey-inator hits the following items: a passenger train that turns into turkey wings, a mailbox that turns into a turkey wing, which is eaten by two mail carriers, a cooked turkey, Perry's trap that turns into a turkey leg, in which Perry is led to escape) This is great! With Perry the Platypus out of the way, I can finish my sentences without getting punched in the-- (Perry punches him in the face mid-sentence)

(Switches to the interior of the Antius Maximus)

Phineas: Candace! You've gotta see what the ants are up to! I think you really made an impression on them. Candace: So, what'd they do?

Phineas: Well, you asked for a salad and a queen dress, so first, they evolved from a hunter-and-gatherer society, to an agrarian society. Look, they mastered farming in less than 10 minutes.

Baljeet: Then, they put it all together to make you this salad. There are still grasshopper legs in it, but other than that, it is not bad.

Phineas: Then, three minutes ago, they had an Industrial Revolution. Check it out! They're weaving the fabrics needed to make a dress for you!

Isabella: Wow, Candace, you're probably the most progressive Ant Queen ever!

Candace: This is so cool! I should call Jeremy and tell him. (looks at cell phone) Oh, there's no service in here. Nice. (at three of the ants) You there! Make there be cell service for your queen!

Phineas: You think that's a good idea?

Candace: Oh, like you'd never tamper with the delicately balanced, yet awesome power of nature.

(Switches back to the Turkey-inator)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, Perry the Platypus, take that! And that! (gets head stuck in control board) Oh! Oh, man, that's disgusting! Still, it can't be the first time someone's got their head stuck in a turkey.

(Switches to the Antius Maximus)

Candace: Soooo, how are my subjects doing?

Phineas: Shouldn't be long now. It looks like they entered the information age.

Baljeet: They are really into online gaming now! Hey, who cast a sleep spell on me and stole all my gold? Ugh!

Phineas: Now that everything is automated, they have more time to devote for fun.

(the ants are seen playing arcade games)

Candace: Fun?! What about my cell service? Get back to work, you lazy ants! Your queen commands it!

(The ants kick Candace out)

Phineas: Huh, would you look at that? Apparently, they've advanced beyond the need for a monarchy!

Ant: (bangs gavel) Motion carried.

Candace: Fine! If I can't be queen, then it's busting time!

(inside...)

Phineas: Hey, guys. Why is it so quiet in here?

Baljeet: The ants have left.

Isabella: They said something about needing to find themselves.

(the friends walk outside to see the ants levitating)

Phineas: Oh, cool!

Ant: Greetings, Phineas. We have achieved total enlightenment, and have transcended the need of maternal things, like ant farms.

Phineas: Wow! Good for you!

Ant: Our new colony will traverse the galaxy in search of the fabled Picnic Planet. (the Turkey-inator hits the Antius Maximus, turning it into an over-sized cooked turkey)

Oh, good, turkey! We can take that with us as an in-flight snack! Goodbye, Phineas and Ferb.

(the ants leave, taking the turkey with them)

Phineas: Goodbye! Have a good time evolving past the need for physical existence!

Candace: (dragging Linda into the backyard) As you'll see, the ants are the size of humans! (realizes it isn't there) Ta-da?

Linda: Oh, yes. I see. (at Phineas, Ferb, and their friends) Greetings, human-sized ants.

Phineas: Hi, Mom!

Candace: No! There were actually ants the size of people! (puts crown on head) See?! I was their queen!

Phineas: Yeah, Mom. Candace inadvertently caused the ants to evolve.

Candace: Exactly, and I was their queen!

Linda: Wow, Candace. Just like on Mars. (walks away waving)

Candace: I was—I -- Oh, forget it, I'm gonna go call Jeremy. (walks off, cell phone in hand)

Phineas: (to Ferb) Do you think the ants will return some day?

Ferb: Yes. Probably while we're having a picnic.

(Switches to the Turkey-inator, where Doofenshmirtz's head is still stuck in the control board)

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, be a dear and help a brother out. Can't seem to -- (Perry takes the control board off his head) Oh! Oh, thanks. (Turns around) No! What are you doing?!

(Perry points the control board in such a way, the Turkey-inator hits itself, turning it into an oversized turkey. He then escapes, via para-sail, before the turkey catches fire while falling towards the street.) Curse you, Perry the Platypus...! (When hitting the ground, the turkey forms a massive explosion.)

Doofenshmirtz: (groans) I feel like a giblet.

End credits
(Song: "[[Ants]"])

Livin' in an ant society (Ants...)

With ants much bigger than you and me (Ants...)

Diggin' in tunnels, it's a crazy scene (Ants...)

With soldiers, drones and one big queen

Phineas: Cool!

(Ants...)

Ah, you can spend your lives in here, it's great

We can lift 10 times our body weight