Any Given Sundance

Why do we have to get here so early?

The football game doesn't start for hours.

We're not here for the game.

The game is nothing. The game is crap.

The game makes me sick!

The real reason we Americans put up with sports is for this: Behold the tailgate party, the pinnacle of human achievement!

Since the dawn of parking lots, man has sought to stuff his guts with food and alcohol in anticipation of watching others exercise.

What child birth is to women, eating trunk meats is to the bewanged.

What could be greater than eating and drinking for hours in a drizzly parking lot?

Anything.

No. Everything is better.

Anything!

Everything!

Anything!

Everything!

Anything!

Everything!

Anything!

Everything!

Anything!

Everything!

Daddy, I made a Ralphwich!

It tastes hurty!

That's 'cause its' not food, ralphy.

No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's food. It's food.

Everything's what you say it is.

All right.

Time to dig in. I brought everything we need.

It's just forks and plates.

Didn't we bring any food?

The food is all around us!

You brought us here to beg?

When you know the people you're begging from, it's mooching.

Moleman! Come here, ya big bag o' skin!

How the hell are ya, huh?

No kidding!

Well, that sounds like you're going to have fun.

Springfield U sucks!

A&M cheerleaders are clumsy!

Your superstar professors treat undergrads like an afterthought!

Your tenure track is heavily politicized!

Oh, that's it!

Lisa, honey, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you can't join in the fun.

Maggie and I are washing the soiled foam fingers.

Well, I guess I could cut loose and do a little homework.

I can start working on my school video project.

The assignment is to film the beauty of the everyday.

So let's see.

There's drama and inspiration everywhere I look.

I am a born film maker!

Really interesting stuff.

Three points out of a possible five.

Ah, that's a funny joke, Mr. Kincaid.

Is this an art class or a comedy class?

I can make it a two.

Three it is!

You're the teacher, and I accept your decision.

The man is an idiot!

Agreed. The film has everything: emotion, conflict, Milhouse.

Lisa, you're a gifted film maker.

It's as if lngmar Bergman and Penny Marshall had a baby.

Principal Skinner, I didn't know you knew so much about film.

Cinema is my secret passion.

I've even written a screenplay or two on speculation.

When Edna Met Seymour, Ghost Willie, Killing Seymour's Mother, The Principal Who Sold a Screenplay.

They sound great. I'd love to read them sometime.

Unfortunately, the studios have made it clear they're not interested in my work.

In fact, I'm... I'm no longer welcome on the Universal Studios tour.

Orlando or Hollywood?

There's one in Hollywood?!

Yeah, getting back to my grade.

Forget grades!

With the right subject, you could be a great filmmaker.

What comes to mind when you think of drama?

Well, according to Aristotle, drama contains six elements: plot, theme, character...

Not the smarty-pants answer.

Where's the drama in your life?

Okay, but can I just finish the smarty-pants answer?

No! In your life!

My family!

Language, rhythm and spectacle.

Family, eh? That's right!

Your brother is Bart Simpson, one of Mrs. Krabappel's fourth graders, and your father is a local character of note.

Lisa, if you make a documentary about your family, I can help you.

I'm giving you the key to the AV cage.

This is so generous.

How can I ever repay you?

All I ask is, if you ever win an Oscar... give it to me.

Um, okay.

Those cabinetmakers laughed at me, but they'll see.

Lisa, what are you doing?

I'm making a documentary about a very special family.

Smithers and Burns?

No. Us!

Can I be Smithers?

No, Dad, I want you to play Homer Simpson.

Why, 'cause I'm fat?

I love documentaries!

Especially the one that came with our lawnmower.

Although it was suspiciously pro-lawnmower.

Okay, everyone, just be yourself.

Don't look in the camera. Pretend I'm not here and... no toupees.

What, I'm going for a Shia LaBeouf thing.

Not quite a nerd, not quite a hunk...

Shia LaBeouf!

And let's roll.

Uh-oh, there's already an on-set romance.

Homie, she's not making a snuggle film.

Ew, Lisa, make them stop!

I'm sorry, but as a filmmaker, I have to face the truth.

I turn my camera on.

I cut my fingers on the way.

On the way.

The way I'm slipping away.

I turn my turn my feelings off.

You made me untouchable for life.

And you wasn't polite.

It hit me like a tom.

You hit me like a tom.

No-no, no.

Skinner!

Yes, Superintendent Chalmers?

I hear you've been encouraging a student's creativity!

Please, sir, I can explain...

I'm thrilled!

Or would have been, if not for your knee-jerk assumption that I'm angry at you, which I am now.

Anyway, we have got to support Lisa Simpson's film.

This is our chance to finally show up that fancy Springfield Creative Arts Academy.

The whole school is made up of modeling clay.

Every afternoon, they reshape it just to get my goat.

Well, with some school band music and added effects, we could show Lisa's film at the public library.

Think bigger, Seymour.

Think film festivals.

You mean...

Banff?

Banff, Shmanff. I'm talking about Sundance!

Sundance?!

The preeminent independent film festival held each January in Park City, Utah?

Yes, the very same, yes.

If Lisa's movie gets in, we won't just be the school with the highest hamster mortality rate.

Ah, so young.

We'll also have a kid who did a thing.

I call this cue "Homer's Lament."

What are you boys doing on the Foley stage?

Awesome-ing up your sound effects.

Okay, one more take.

Can we please go to the next scene?

Oh, dear.

We're getting too many mainstream movies.

When are we going to see a submission with the Sundance independent film spirit?

"Paul Giamatti... is the world's greatest superspy... who only exists in the mind of an overweight agoraphobic jazz musician... played by Martin Lawrence in a fat suit."

Oh, okay, here's one from Springfield, made by a vegetarian... intellectual misfit...

People, you know you have to limit your gasps at this altitude.

Oh, and she's eight years old!

Stupid charities.

They think I'm going to give them money?

Save the Children? Save your breath.

Take a hike, Sierra Club.

Doctors without Borders?

Doctors without money!

Hey, Greenpeace, you're not getting a piece of my green.

Robert Redford? Guess what.

A scissor runs through it.

Dad, no!

My movie got in!

I'm going to the Sundance Film Festival!

Film festival, eh?

Aye, los DVDs!

With director's commentary and deleted scenes!

Where'd everybody go?

I can't believe I'm a director with a movie at Sundance.

Maybe I can finally meet Jim Jarmusch and ask him who he is.

Hey, that's him.

Who are you?

I try to answer that question in my films.

What else?

I can eat a raw onion without crying.

Prove it, Hollywood.

Hey, you're crying.

Yeah, but I'm crying about something else.

What?

This is the last time we'll ever be together.

These badges will get us into any of the independent movies playing at Sundance.

Ooh, Regularsville.

Sounds like my kind of place.

Oh, Candyland.

A great family game is now a great family movie.

I get it.

Every title means the opposite of what it means.

Then I bet I'll love Chernobyl Graveyard.

I didn't.

This is it: my premiere.

We can't wait to see it, sweetie.

Oh, a documentary?

Passes, please.

Uh, we're with them.

You know these guys?

I've never seen them before.

Uh... we, uh...

He's...

He's, uh, he's, uh...

That's a joke.

This can't be real.

It isn't. You crashed and now you're lying unconscious in a snowbank.

Chalmskinn.

I'm Lisa Simpson, and this is my family.

One, two, three.

Another chute?!

Why... doesn't... life... give me... ladders?!

We never get more than one move into this game.

What a wonderful film about horrible people.

They're like the family from hell on acid that's on steroids.

You stupid kid!

What if I walked in here barefoot?

You did, Dad.

Happy birthday, Mom.

Thank you, dear.

Brava, Lisa!

Shame on Marge!

Death to Maggie!

Lisa, how could you?

I didn't mean it like that.

A lot of things got changed in the editing room.

Proudly edited by Lisa Simpson.

Lisa, your movie exposed our crappy side to the world.

I knew you were lame, but I never imagined you were bogus.

Sweetie, I'm usually your 1 fan, but... call me old-fashioned...

I usually don't like movies that humiliate my family in front of the world.

Oh... I was just trying to accurately portray my unique and quirky home life.

Quirky? Quirky is a grandma who gives people the finger.

You made us look like monsters.

Monsters!

Monsters!

Monsters!

Guys, guys, look, it's a documentary.

Nobody outside of this festival is ever going to hear about it.

"Lisa Simpson's unflinching, darkly comic family portrait is the can't-miss hit of the festival. Landspeeder, do not Bantha, to your nearest cinema to see Lisa Simpson stab her family in the back with her camera."

Don't you dare post that review.

I'm sorry. You're too late.

I have just hit "enter," sending the wi-fi beams along their way.

Not if I can help it. Come here, beams, come on.

Hey, hey, where you going? Come...

Oh, there's too many.

I just said I was thinking of adopting.

Scarlett Johansson. I mean, is that so wrong?

Well, if we can't get into Sundance, would you like to check out its alternative cousin Slamdance?

I'd rather die.

There they are: the producers of Capturing the Simpsons.

Your movie's great.

We want to be in the Chalmskinn business.

This is it, Seymour, the big deal.

Just play it cool.

Look, we want to buy this movie and we're prepared to offer you anything.

We're prepared to accept anything.

Name your price.

We want ten percent of the first-dollar gross, full European distribution rights, and access to the most exclusive VIP tent in Sundance.

Way to make a deal, Seymour.

They don't even know that my pockets are full of bottled water and cornbread.

Yes.

It's them.

Look at them walking around.

Ugh, they're so creepy.

Say something dysfunctional!

Let me get a picture of you strangling my kid.

No.

Hey, we pay your salary.

I never wanted to be famous for being mean.

I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.

Let's just go back to the condo.

We have to wash the dishes and do the sheets so it's nice for the next people.

I can't believe what I've done.

Maybe deep down I always knew how much this film would hurt them.

Maybe I'm the monster this movie exposed.

Now what kind of talk is that?

Oh, hi, Mr. Jarmusch.

Lisa, I've been following your family's turmoil closely, and I can relate.

My movies, like Stranger than Paradise and Down by Law, are also about social misfits experiencing the dark side of the American dream.

I'm doing it again in my next film, Cheaper by the Dozen 3.

That doesn't sound like your kind of movie.

It will be. Check out the poster.

So, do you think my family will ever forgive me for making them a laughingstock?

The answer to that is where it always is: in a movie.

Let's take a look.

Nelson? He couldn't have made a movie by himself.

Who helped him?

Chalmskinn.

Seymour Skinner never puts all his eggs in one basket.

That's why they call me "Two Basket" Skinner.

What? They do.

I'm Nelson.

This is my house.

This is the impound lot that my house gets towed to every night.

Let's get going.

We got to swing by the Laundromat, steal me a new bra.

You're going to be the classiest girl at Classy Girls.

No, no, no, don't go in there.

Oh, no, he did.

Oh, man, that is messed up.

Whoa, what the hell is that?

It's just a cat.

What?

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, now I see it.

Mom, there's this school play tonight.

It's called Kids Are People Too, and I play a grown-up who doesn't think kids are people, too.

So if you want to come...

Can't. I'm organizing my Laramie Bucks.

If I want that golf umbrella, I got to get to smoking.

Sometimes I take the long way home, past the happy people's houses.

I like to look inside and pretend I have a family like theirs.

I like to cry at the ocean, because only there do my tears seem small.

Thank you, Mr. Jarmusch.

You have taught me a valuable lesson: that other people have bigger family problems than I do.

True, but I was also teaching you that festival buzz is, like my movie Coffee and Cigarettes, a funny thing.

Did you see it?

Well, I, uh...

That's okay. I know you did.

I like this movie way better than the one by that little girl 'cause I saw this one today.

Wow, I guess Nelson's the hot thing now.

My movie will probably never be seen.

Oh, it will... on select flights by Alaska Airlines and its regional partners.

Okay, only its regional partners. The point is: you made a great movie and you ought to be proud.

And now, like the best independent films, I must fade out with a cool dissolve.

That hurts.

Hey, Nelson, say something poor.

Oh, thank God they're not jeering at us anymore.

I know.

Kind of miss it.

I know!

We'll be in another movie, and this time we'll act really bad.

No more Simpsons movies.

One was plenty.

Are you guys still mad at me?

We know you love us, honey, even though sometimes you show it in a "quirky" way.

I'm not going to lie to you guys.

John C. Reilly would love to be in the Chalmskinn business.

Well, did you read my script?

Read it? I lived it. I am Ghost Willie. Check this out.

Fantastic. Gre... oh, bravo.

You nailed it.

I don't know. He, he seems a little needy.

Pass.

We'll see you on the set.

Yes!

Chalmskinn.

Another hit.

Skinner!

Why can't you be a gentle clinker?