Roger 'n' Me

Let's see how well you know your buddy Dennis. What is his favorite wattage oflightbulb? - Seventy-five? - Ooh, sorry. The answeris 6. 0. Seventy-five? What the hell? That clip was provided by the fun, new game show, Best Buddiez! That's right, Greg. And next week, Best Buddiez! is taping right here in Langley Falls with a grand prize of $200,000. And your favorite anchor-partners are gonna be contestants. Because, after all, we are just buddies, according to the government. And Terry's father. I need a best buddy. All right! I'm packed and ready to party. Party time! Enjoyyour last look at my ass 'cause I'm gonna party it off. I'm going to my best friend Bobo Peterson's bachelor party in Atlantic City. [ Gasps ] You got a best buddy? Can I be your second best buddy? Let's see. How do I hang an air freshener on this? You are a total waste of space. I often dream ofkilling you. [ Inhales ] Ah, mountain pine. Oh, I almost forgot Bobo's gag gift. Ach, Gott. Is little Rogie gonna cry? Because ifyou are, I'll put on some Edie Brickell and join you. Oh, good. Stan hasn't left for the bachelor party. Just want to put a few things in his suitcase. Ourwedding photo. Steve's first pinecone turkey. A pamphlet on full-blown AI DS. Stan might be an insensitive feelings-hurter but he'd never cheat on you. It's not Stan I'm worried about. It's the female "entertainment" I don't trust. Men throw a little cash at 'em, they'll do anything. Then sometimes, when you're on the floorwith another girl guys will throw money, then pick it up and throw the same singles out there again. Like I'm an idiot. Like I don't have peripheral vision? Hey, ifyou want, I could go along and keep an eye on Stan. It'd be the perfect chance for us to bond. Come on, Roger. He'd never let you go. Oh, I can be very persuasive. Surprise! Look in your heart! I'm praying to you. [ Sobbing ] Look in your heart. You can't do this. It's not right! It's a wrong situation. I-I couldn't help it. It's my nature. Somebody hands me an angle, I play it. I don't deserve to die for that. Doyou think I do? This is not us. This is some hop dream. I'm praying toyou. I can't die! I can't die out here in thewoods! What the hell areyou talking about? It's from myfavorite movie, Miller's Crossing. Bravo,Joel and Ethan Coen. I mean, there are some proud parents, huh? - Some nachas for the Coens? - [ Groans ] Hurry up. That's the fifth pairyou've tried on. I want to see howmyboygoods look inyellow. Oh, yeah! Sold and sold. Hey, Trudy. - Oh. Hi- - It's Steve. I spend a lot of time by the senior lockers staring at you. Oh, well, it's nice bumping intoyou. I'm gonna wear these out. You go to Georgetown? I'm a woman's studies major at GroffCommunity College. I know Groff. That's the school my retarded cousin took classes at. - I'm Hayley. - I'm Miles. You know, maybe we could go out some- [ Kissing ] Well, nice meeting you. Did you see that? Miles and I had a total connection. Yeah. So did me and Trudy. Miles would be so much happierwith me. What doyou saywe give 'em a little nudge towards happiness? You mean, break them up? - Mm-hmm. For their own good. - For their own good. Bachelor party! Let's kill some hookers! [ All Gasp ] Bobo, you crazy old herpes spreader! There's Lieutenant Herpes. Heh! Or is it Captain Herpes now? [ Laughing ] Stan, I haven't seen you since college. What are you doing here? What doyou mean? I'm here for my best friend's bachelor party. - I gotyour Evite. - Oh. My secretary must have accidentally sent that. Accidentally sent- Get outta here, you crazy old herpes spreader! - Will you please stop calling me that? - Oh, I gotyou a present. It's an Asian sex doll. Huh, remember in college? You were always talking about climbing the GreatWall ofVagina? - [ Laughing ] - Uh, Stan this is myfuture father-in-law, Reverend Hideki Obayashi. Ohhh. - [ Squeaks ] - I don't understand. I thought Bobo and I were friends. How could someone have changed so much in 22 years? Come on, Stan- I mean, Mr. Moskowitz. You and I can still do it up. Cheer up, Stan. Hey, watch this. So, uh, driver, you been doin' this for a long time? Actually, mywife and I just moved out here- There he is! Hey, watch this, watch this. Thinkwe can get two? Sorry. My finger hit the button by accident. What wereyou saying? Oh, that's okay. I was saying when mywife and I first moved out here- [ Laughing ] ## [Man Singing Rock] [ Squeaking ] - [ All Cheering ] - ## [ Continues ] ## [Man Vocalizing, Ends ] - Were you able to sneak into Miles's locker? - Piece of cake. This isn't my earring. How'd it get in your back pocket? I- I don't know. The seeds of mistrust have been sown. This is so nice. [ Slurring ] Y-You know, we should- we should buy this place. [ Slurring ] Oh, we- we should totally buy this place. B-But let's not just say it. No, no, we're gonna do it. Absolutely. I'll- I'll move some things around. Your turn. - Are they on? - You gotta turn itpast 20! Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold! - Warm! - Who needs Bobo? This is the- This is the greatest, best night ever. Hey, thanks for cheering me up. You're a-You're a real pal. Really? You mean we're buddies? A-Areyou kidding? Hey, we're best buddies. Best bud- Oh, my God. I need a-anotherTecate. Hand me- Hand me a Tecate. To best buds, b-by Earth standards. Wh-Why doyou- [ Burps ] Why doyou have to qualify it like that? No, it's great. I-It's just on my planet best buds have a ritual where theyjust really connect. Well, w-we connect. Yeah, but I mean there's this thing that we do and only best friends can do it, and i-it bonds you for life. Oh, let's do that! How do we do that? - It's kind of a probe thing. - Whatever. Let's go! Uh, I-I don't know. It might be a little intense, you know. In an instant, you know everything about the other person. I mean, it's like having a thousand conversations at once. [ Gulps ] Do it to me! Ah, I don't want to mess things up. How would this mess things up? It's only gonna make things better. - You think so? - I-I do. I really do. Well- Okay! Let's do this. [Stan ] Whoa, wait. You know- You know this maybe a little too, uh- uh- Oh! ## [Stan Singing] [ Groans ] - [ Clattering ] - Hi. [ Yawns ] What time is it? Uh, I don't know. Early. [ Grunts ] Dressed already? Where you goin'? I was, uh, gonna- gonna get some coffee. Ooh, sounds like heaven. I'm also a little "nibbly nib. " You wanna grab some brunch? Uh, w-we should- we should probablyjust head on home. Can I, uh, have my shirt back? Oh, boo. It's so comfy. Tell you what. Why don't I give it back toyou after I wash it? [ Groans ] You know, I-I got to admit, I was nervous about goin' there last night. Butyou were right. We were totally ready. Kinda like how you were ready for sleepaway camp in third grade even though you cried in the car all the way there. How- How do you know that? Well, I know all your memories now. Just likeyou know all mine, right? I don't know anything anymore. Huh. You didn't get any of my memories? That's weird. Must be an alien thing. [ Sighs ] Last nightwas spectacular. - I am super glad we did that. - [ Grunting ] Don't fill up. I'm making stuffed game hens for dinner. Oh, Stan loves game hens. Remember how Aunt Ida used to make 'em foryou before the arthritis? - No. - Yes, you do. Kidder. I didn't expectyou two home so early. Oh, Francine, it was fantastic. Stan and I took our friendship to a whole new- Nothing happened! We went to the bachelor party and then went to bed. - No big whoop. - No big whoop? I know it's silly, Stan, but I was so worried you'd end up doing something you'd regret. Stan, how could you say nothing special happened? Because I just want to forget about it, okay? I was drunk, and I made a mistake, and we're never gonna talk about it again. - [ Gasps ] - What areyou boys whispering about? [ Shouting ] Different types of sandwiches! Hmm. Areyou sure nothing happened last night? I told you. Nothing happened. Yes. Nothing. Excuse me. Thankyou, Francine. The sandwich was delicious. - So, how are the kids? - [Sobbing] Now that the seeds of mistrust are sprouting we must harvest them. - [ Beeping, Ringing ] - Hello? Miss Lawrence, just a few questions for a fitness survey. Where doyou typicallywork out? - At the gym. - Good. And where is it located? About three miles north ofhere. - Afteryou work out, how do you relax? - I get a massage. And when your car's not in drive, it's in? - Park. - And ifyou're from Brazil, you're? You're Brazilian. Look, is this a crank call? - Hold, please. - I can't wait around. I'm leaving to meet- - Did you get it? - Got it. - [ Ringing ] - [Electronic Voice ] Please leave a message. - [Trudy] Hello? Gym. - Who's Jim? I- can't- wait- to- massage- your- Brazilian- crank. Meet- me- at- three- at- the- - ## [ Man Singing ] - of- the- park. I'm- leaving- Miles. She m ust have dialed my num ber by m istake. She's cheating on me. - [ Laughing ] - [ Sobbing ] Roger, what's going on with Stan? He's been acting very nervous and secretive. You can add distant and hurtful to that list. Something happened in Atlantic City, didn't it? - No. - Roger, look at me. What happened in Atlantic City? Why don'tyou askyour husband! I'll thankyou to leave now. - [ Ringing ] - Stan Smith. - [ Low Hissing ] - Hello? - [ Hissing Continues ] - Roger, I know it's you. I can hearyour humidifier. - [ Roger] Whatyou doin'? - Stop calling me here! We need to talk about Atlantic City. Francine's asking questions, and I don't knowwhat to tell her. Tell her nothing! Look, I have work to do. Don't hang up! I will not be ignored, Stan. I'll come down there. Oh, yeah, I'll come down there, and I will make such a scene. Okay, okay,just calm down. Remember, I'm your buddy. [ Shouting ] Areyou? 'Causeyou're not acting like it! Look, meet me in the parking lot behind Big Buy. And whateveryou do, don't say anything to Francine. Oh, I will find out what happened in Atlantic City. I guaranteeyou that! - Ooh, can I help? - How could you help? You're a fish. Oh, okay. Could you just press play on that boom box on yourway out? ## [ Woman Singing ] [ Sobbing ] I'm assuming this is gonna go well, so I got us hot wings. There's $1 0,000 in this briefcase. [ Gasps ] We're buying that hotel! - Oh, Staniel! - Get offme! The money's foryou to get a new start somewhere. You're paying me to go away? You bastard! [ Whining ] You pushed me into this! I told you it would ruin our friendship, butyou said, "No, let's go. Do it to me. " So I gave myselftoyou. Why the hell can'tyou just let this go? Becauseyou were my first. [ Sobbing ] I had no idea. I wanted a buddy. But now I neverwant to seeyou again. - [ Sighs ] - [ Engine Starts ] You were supposed to come after me! What? You crazy psycho bitch! Leave me alone! - This conversation isn't over! - Yes, it is! - [Tires Screeching] - Trying to get rid of me? I'll kill us both! - [ Thud ] - What the hell was that? [ Groans ] I'm not hurt. It's a miracle! I thinkyou're still on top ofit. Back up. [Thudding] Oh, my God! I hit Francine! We should probably leave a note. [ Beeping ] Hello, I'm Doctor Gupta. Yes, I'm a woman. I supposeyou have a problem with that. Uh, no. Is mywife gonna be okay? Areyou questioning my competence? No, I'm just concerned about mywife. Really? 'Cause the wayyou're looking at me it seems likeyou're concerned with something else. There. Now can we move on? When you ran overyourwife- twice- it caused her brain to detach from her central nervous system. She's what we in the medical profession call a "husk. " - I've heard ofthat. - We can reattach her brain but it's an experimental procedure your insurance won't cover. That's mywife. I don't care how much it is, I'll pay it. - It's $1 78,000. - What ifl don't need her to talk? There's Miles. He thinks Trudy's meeting Brazilian Jim here. And there's Trudy. She thinks Miles is meeting Earring Girl. They'll break upwith each other. Then we'll swoop in and comfort them. I'm sick ofyour lies! Where's that Brazilian douche bag? You're the liar! Where's yourwhore? I really think Miles and I have a future. Yeah, there's something aboutTrudy's soul thatwarms me. [ Grunts ] - [ Screaming ] - His face! - Oh, my God! - [ Screaming ] - Her bod! - [ Screaming ] - I'm out. - Yeah, me too. How much for the porcelain poodles? $1 78,000. I may be back. Hey! What are Gypsy Rose Lee and Mama Rose doin' here? I'm selling them to raise money for Francine's operation. - Sell your own stuff!. - Why should I? This is all your fault. Oh, call offthe dogs. I found the perfect piece foryour study. - You've got to be kidding. - What? You love Southwestern art. No, I love pre-Columbian artifacts. Ooh. The bag boy at Whole Foods isn't watching. You don't have to show off. Ifwe're gonna win on Best Buddiez! tonight, you're gonna have to know me a hell of a lot better than that- I want that $200,000. Best Buddiez! That's it! What the hell are we doing on this show? We're doing this for Francine. Remember? I know everything aboutyou. I'll answer a few questions, and that grand prize is ours. - [Drumroll] - [Man On P. A. ]Andnowhere'syourhosts America's favorite bosom buddies PeterScolari and WendieJo Sperber. [ Cheers, Applause ] Welcome to Best Buddiez! where you can whore your knowledge ofyour buddy for thousands of dollars. First up, Langley Falls local anchor-partners and best buddies - Greg and Terry. - ## [Theme ] She's a real estate agent and former hand model. He's a pirate-theme children's literature critic. Best buddies, Barb Hanson and Cap'n Monty. And finally, a C. I. A. agent and a European recording star- Oh, like they're gonna check. - Best buddies, Stan and Roger. - ## [Ends ] Okay. Terry, what is Greg's favorite appetizer? Oh, that's easy. It's potato skins. No. It's wasabi tuna in a raddicchio sauce. Even I think that's gay. - Uh-oh. - Wait. I have to answer questions about you? - Why didn't you tell me this? - I didn't know they had a second round. Ten minutes ofthis crap is usually all I can take. Ifyou get this final question you'll win the game and the money. Stan, what is Roger's favorite movie? I- I have no idea. Sure you do. Look in your heart, Stan. Oh, I've got it! White Chicks. Oh, Franiel! The doctor said there's no hope of recoverywithout that operation. I failed her. Thanks for being here with me. - You're a true friend. - That's what I've been trying to tell you. I guess I've been kind of a jerk. Well, I can get a little needy. Can we just pretend all this never happened? - All what never happened? - You know, in theJacuzzi, when you- Oh! Oh. You were pretending like all this never happened. You were already- Okay. All right. I-I got it. I-I'm with you. [ Sighs ] Well, I guess it's time to call the kids and let them know we've lost Mommy forever. - Don't mind me. Woman in the room. - [ Beeping ] - Stan, wait! - [ Beeps ] What ifl performed the surgery? What areyou talking about? It's a highly specialized operation. - You don't know how to do that. - True, but, uh I'm a fast learner. Roger, once again, great job on that surgery. Yeah, it was touch and go there for a while. But all's well that ends well. - What's this one, Mom? - [ Gibberish ] That's right. Ball. Bye-bye. Seeyou soon.
 * 1) [Marching Band] ## [ Singing ] ## [ Continues ] ## [ Chorus Singing] ## [ TV Theme ] ## [ Ends ] [ Chuckling ] Okay, Frank.
 * 1) [Resumes ] ## [ Continues ] ## [Ends ] We are kicking their ass! And now it's time for the reversal round.
 * 1) [Slow Latin ] ##[Ends ] [WendieJo]Stan and Roger, you're onlydown 10points.