Charming

1 (GENTLE MUSIC) WOMAN: This is the untold true story of the most famous prince the world has ever known. You know him - always coming to the rescue of some damsel in distress. Well, I know him better. Hey, all he ever wanted was to make every girl feel like a princess. Can you blame him? When Sleeping Beauty took a hundred-year nap, he was there with a wake-up call. (ANGELIC CHORUS) When Cinderella needed a partner toe-to-toe on the dancefloor, he was a shoo-in. (ANGELIC CHORUS) When Snow White bit that poisoned apple, his kiss was the cure. (ANGELIC CHORUS) But you can have too much of a good thing. And that's exactly what got him into this mess. Mess? I'm just a bit too... ..charming, that's all. How we doing? You got my good side? (LAUGHS) Trick question. They're both my good side. Well, at least that's what they tell me. PAINTER: Come on, this is for your wedding portrait. Give me a smile like a man in love. Love? I wish I even knew what that meant. PAINTER: Well, then, how did you meet your princess? Ah, yes, it was a moment I will never forget. Ooh. Which princess do you mean exactly? (DOOR BELL RINGS) (POP MUSIC) Cinderella! Sleeping Beauty! Snow White! All three princesses! Welcome to Frazelli's! ALL: I need a wedding cake! (ALL GASP) We make the finest wedding cakes in the four kingdoms. I hope so. Nobody's going to snooze at my ball. Except maybe me. I'm marrying a prince. Yeah, I'm sure he's a prince of a guy or whatever, but my beloved, he's an actual prince. Sing it to some birds who care. Can we get on with this? My wedding is really soon. - How soon? - Oh, careful! You frown too much and you'll get wicked witch eyes! And your mirror will tell you - he'll tell you right to your face. Ladies, ladies! In 40 years, I have learned that no two cakes and no two grooms are alike. So, each of you, tell me something about the man who has enchanted you so. (POP MUSIC PLAYS) (SINGS) They call me a damsel in distress 'Cause I won my prize The one with the kingdom and the big brown eyes The one with the voice that can boom like music And my, oh, my, does he know how to use it I'm not playing with ya He looks into your eyes - Knows what to say to ya... - (WOMEN SCREAM) He's so beautiful, that's the consensus I'll bet the crown jewels I will be his princess I like him for his smile I like him for his hair I like him for his style I like him 'cause he's so debonair - He's my trophy boy - My trophy boy My trophy boy I want him for myself I want to lock him down I want that ring on my finger like I want that crown He's my trophy boy, my trophy boy My trophy boy He's so vicious, so totally runway And I know I wasn't listening, but he's totally funny I don't even care if he ever makes a sound Just as long as when you see me He's around and he's bound to me I like him for his smile I like him for his hair I like him for his style I like him 'cause he's so debonair He's my trophy boy, my trophy boy My trophy boy I want him for myself, I want to lock him down I want that ring on my finger like I want that crown - He's my trophy boy - My trophy boy My trophy boy Oh, oh, oh, my gosh Oh, my fairy godmother Won't you call this boy's mama And tell her that I love her, yeah I like him for his smile, I like him for his hair I like him for his style I like him 'cause he's so debonair He's my trophy boy, my trophy boy My trophy boy I want him for myself I want to lock him down I want that ring on my finger like I want that crown He's my trophy boy, my trophy boy... MAN: Coming through! I need a trophy boy Yeah! (MAN SIGHS) (SIGHS) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Hey! Papa! What a morning! Oh, son! Aren't you tired of being hated by every man in the land? Curse that cursed curse! The prince stole my love! Yeah. I have been trying to run away from the ladies, though. (GULPS) Mmm! Just like you asked, Papa. You don't know how troubling this curse is. I am attempting to run a kingdom here! Of course I do! Philippe, you are the future king and yet you still have not chosen a bride! (WHIMPERS) Your blasted curse must be broken and we've only three days before your 21st birthday. I'm engaged to Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and Snow White. Then just pick one! That's not love. I don't know the meaning of the word. Seriously, what is it? The day has come for you to run the gauntlet. - The gauntlet? - The rite of passage. All the way to Fire Mountain. It will give you the answers you seek as it did for me and my father before me. The gauntlet is a journey that makes you a man. It led me to the Latin beauty that became my true love. May your mother rest in peace. Unfortunately, that's also when I broke the heart of my trusted guide. PHILIPPE: You mean Nemeny Neverwish? KING CHARMING: She was so jealous of our love. Nemeny became our enemy, consumed in dark fairy magic. She vowed revenge not just on me but on love itself. I'll never forget the day it all happened, the day of your royal blessing. (WONDROUS MUSIC) FAIRY: Presenting the royal blessing fairy! (BABY COOS) Your Excellency, it is my honour to bestow the royal blessing upon the young prince as I blessed you and your father before you. For you, my tiny lord! From this day forth you shall always be... ..charming! - (WHOOSH!) - (BABY CRIES) Oh! Ohh! Too much charm! Nemeny Neverwish? You seem so surprised, Philip. I did promise I'd be back. What have you done? Oh, how they will throw themselves at your boy now. He'll be a little heartbreaker, just like his daddy. In fact... ..no maiden who gazes into the eyes of the prince will be able to resist his smile. She will believe that the prince is her true love. One by one, he will steal the heart of every maiden in the land. Heartbreak will reign. And when the sun sets on his 21st birthday, this charming curse will be sealed and on that day, all love will disappear forever! No! I will find a way to break your curse! It could be broken on the last day with a kiss of true love. - Guards! - Your Highness! Seize her! Seize what? (SNEEZES) FAIRY: Bless you! Now, don't freak out! He's got 21 years to find true love's kiss. - But how? - It can't be that hard. He's a prince! And he's covered in charm. Oh, with every lady in the land throwing themselves at him, will he ever know the difference between the curse and real love? We've been over this so many times, Papa. I still have a few days to consider my options. We're out of options. I can't do this for you. You've got to do it for yourself, Philippe. (THINKS) For myself? How? How can I tell Papa that I'm scared? How can I go out there and find something I don't even understand? (SIGHS) True love? Every girl I've ever met was hypnotised. That's not love. It's meaningless. (ECHOES) Meaningless! (ECHOES) There's a big echo in my head! I had no idea there was this much room in here! Uh... what is he doing with my chair? All you need is a little push. For the sake of the kingdom! And do not return until you choose a wife! Things you do for love! Alright, let's go gauntlet-ing! It's gonna be... ..gaunt-tastic! (MAGNIFICENT MUSIC) - Whoa! - (HORSES WHINNY) (CHIRPS SWEETLY) You! Clear the road! The rest of you, stay alert. This could take a while. - (CLEARS THROAT) - (BONES CRACK) (WHISTLES) - (GUARD GRUNTS) - (AXE THUDS) (THUDDING AND GRUNTING CONTINUE) (WHISTLES) MAN: One, two, three! - (WHISTLES) - Yah! Yah! Illy, you've earned this. 20%. - (CHIRPS) - Fine. 40%. (CHIRPS) Oh, just get Charlie, would you? (WHISTLES) (NEIGHS) Wow! MAN: You there! Thief! - (GROANS) - Stop! It's her! It's Lenore Quinonez! Well, celebration's over. That's our cue, ladies. - Hyah! - (WHINNIES) SONG: This girl's not changin' No, I'm not changin' They always say to settle down I'd rather see this world go round 'Cause I'm not changin' My explanation I won't leave the past behind Not even for a moment in time 'Cause I'm not changin', changin'... - Yah! - Changin' for you... - This one's mine! - She's getting away! I do what I do I'm not changin'... - (GASPS) - (CHARLIE WHINNIES) Hyah! We've got her now! (VOICES SLOW DOWN AND DISTORT) I'm a thief in the night, won't know I'm there Before you know it, I'll disappear What's yours is mine This world is late Oh-oh-oh I'm not changin', changin'... Whoo-hoo! See you, boys! (LAUGHS) I do what I do. (CHATTER) So, determine which of my princesses is my real true love or all love will die, and darkness will consume the land forevermore. Piece of cake! No, no, I actually want a piece of cake. Apologies, my lord. Mmm! Ah, my Arabian princess. Your genie has appeared. - My camel awaits and... - (SIGHS) It's not for you! Gladys, got your note. Wha-ho! But I want you to see, um... - (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS) - Over here. See other people, in any direction! Oh, I really can't dance right now, but your moves, so consistent. - Charming! - Hey, look at you! I'm really in a time crunch, so maybe... never? (SIGHS) Oh, didn't we just meet last week? Yeah, that got funny, huh? WOMAN: You don't need a princess, you need a good cook. Meet me at The Dainty Dish! - What? Come back! - MAN: Hey! - Coming through! - Out of the way! I know she's around here somewhere. - (LIVELY MUSIC CONTINUES) - (WOMAN SHRIEKS) Whoa! Huh! (PHILIPPE THINKS) Dressed for adventure! Those eyes! I need to say something. Say something! Flayberby flobby! What was that?! Try again. - Face like a mermaid. - No! Voice of a meerkat! My brain is a bottle! Butter on pancakes! What is happening? I can't put a sentence together. And why do my knees feel like paella? Where's that super charm, and why isn't it working? Say something that makes sense! Very nice, my lady! This is nice. And so are we! (CHUCKLES) Um, I think you might have hit your head. I'm probably stressed. Nemeny Neverwish, a dark fairy at war with love itself, threatens our land. But if I run the gauntlet and figure out which of my three fiances to marry, I'll take a vow and save us all! Did you say you're engaged to three women? Look, it's not like I planned it, OK? I've got a charm that just won't let go. - Um... - It's such a curse. (GROANS) Well, you should try letting go more often. Thanks for the dance, fella! Wait! That was the weirdest feeling. - (ILLY CHIRPS) - Uh-oh! Oh, no! No-one steps on this side of Frazelli's counter unless... - Have you seen this woman? - I don't think so. Sorry! Uh... Sorry! (GROANS) Come on! (GRUNTS) - Phew! - (DOOR BELL RINGS) (POP MUSIC) Whoa! (LAUGHS) Hello?! Is anyone here? Oh, I didn't hear you girls come in! - We all need our wedding cakes. - (FINGERS SNAP) We're just adding the final touches. So, blondie, tell me. How'd you and your, um, true love first meet? Well, I don't have much time but my father married a complete psycho. She had him killed and then turned me into the maid. Oooh! I did floors! Well, conveniently, I had a fairy godmother, even though she had never shown her face once in the years and years I lived in the fireplace of my own home. What did she do? Make a call to Child Services? She did show up the night of the big ball at the castle and she gave me some really nice clothes, a fancy ride, and some gorgeous, though incredibly uncomfortable, shoes. Ooh! I like shoes. Now I have to worry about the arbitrary midnight deadline of my fairy godmother's magic. Oh, thank goodness my future husband managed to find me because I am apparently the only girl in my entire kingdom with a size-6.5 foot. Wow! That is one seriously messed-up story. So, you with skin as white as snow, you're up. How'd you meet your prince? You're a stranger, so don't touch me. My evil stepmother tried to kill me. Ugh. Evil stepmothers are the worst. SNOW WHITE: And then, seven tiny little bearded men who work underground left me in a glass coffin in the middle of the woods. OK, that's kind of weird. Anyways, that's when my sweet, charming prince found me... ..and kissed me and brought me back to life. I'm sorry, his kiss brought you back to life? Yeah! Good old mouth-to-mouth. You know, you're all kind of freaking me out. And yet, with morbid curiosity, I can only wonder what your lips will spout. On my 16th birthday, I pricked my finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel even though I was, like, totally warned that if I ever touched a spindle I'd fall asleep forever. Oh, my! That's a very... specific curse. Right?! Anyway, the fairies who raised me in a hut in the forest totally put my entire kingdom to sleep. - Why, exactly? - I don't know. Anyway, we all slept for a hundred years. That's when my very own amazing prince found me passed out on the floor. And he did what anyone else would do. He called for a doctor? He pretended he didn't see you and walked away so he didn't have to deal? No. He kissed me. And five seconds later, we were engaged. - Oh! - And soon I'll be crowned. Huh? Must be three lucky men! Who's got a picture? SONG: My trophy boy! (ECHOES) Are you guys hoping to marry the same prince? - (RECORD SCRATCHES) - (ALL GASP) (ALL THREE SCREAM) Well, ladies, what can I say, besides thanks for sharing, best of luck. And you know what? Maybe try therapy. (LAUGHS) Huh! Weird. How'd that get there? (CHUCKLES) Ow! MAN: Medieval crimes in medieval times! Sleeping Beauty robbed! King Beauty to prosecute. Cinderella robbed! Fairy godmother flummoxed! Snow White robbed! Cranky, founding dwarf of the Hi-Ho Mining Company, to press charges. Scandal! All three ripped-off royals engaged to the same prince! How? Why? Hear ye, hear ye! Charming to run the legendary gauntlet. Forecast for survival? Cloudy! Merlin's Mattress Warehouse is having a sale! Prices - insane! (DOOR CLUNKS SHUT) (LOCK TURNS AND CLICKS) Yep, that's her, the baker burglar. I'm gonna lie down. Being robbed by strangers? It's safer in the woods. So we've trapped you, the thief who's stolen the treasure from my guards. My apologies, but... you make it easy. - She's stealing my prince. - Daddy, he's mine! Yes, dears. I'm working on it! And I thought I had problems! The Charming curse! Well, it's one tough enchantment, isn't it? Dark magic from Neverwish. It's hard to break that spell, but I'll do my best! Huh? (GIBBERS) What? Oh, don't worry, it'll turn back next time the clock strikes 12. Ticking clock magic's hardly magic at all, is what it is. That prince is running the gauntlet. - GODMOTHER: Oooh! Poor dear. - I know. I've seen some guys twice his size never survive that one. At least you have a picture to remember him. Well, if he's killed, nobody marries, do they? Wait a minute - could there be a way that we could come to a little arrangement? Instead of... jail? I guess I could be convinced. Hmm. Thief, you will protect this prince. Me? Fine! You turn me loose, I get your prince through the gauntlet alive. But I don't come cheap. It'll cost a fortune in gold. Perhaps three golden fortunes would suffice? Now we have a deal. Three horse carts full. No promissory notes, payments in cash only. So I just get him to Fire Mountain? FAIRY GODMOTHER: That's where we make him pick a bride. (GASPS) I'll get him to Fire Mountain in three days. (CHIRPS SWEETLY) You take the main road ahead of us while I guide the prince through a safer route. Think of it as gaunt-lite. And I'm on wanted posters all over town, so I'll be in disguise. Three days. Agreed! Where did she go? Hey! She stole my moustache! (MAN LAUGHS EVILLY) (BABY WAILS) (SHEEP BLEATS) (SWORDS CLASH) (CLEARS THROAT) Heard you were running the gauntlet. You'll need a trusted guide to make it through. Lucky for you, I know my way around every part of the gauntlet. You know, like a gauntlet guide. Well, I was thinking of hiring one of these ruffians to guide me through it. This one was a little too aggressive. A real pain in the... ahem! But she certainly was immune to all of my charms. Tell me, could you imagine travelling with someone like this? Nope! Never, ever, ever, ever. You're lucky. Life on the open road can make you a little bit crazy. You said you were a guide? More like THE guide! Already headed that way. Prince Philippe Charming. And I'm Len... Um... (CLEARS THROAT) (DEEP VOICE) I'm Lenny. Yup, Lenny's my name! We leave at once! (WONDROUS MUSIC) (ILLY CHIRPS SWEETLY) (CHUCKLES) (CHARLIE SNUFFLES) So, Lenny... What's for supper? - Excuse me? - Supper. The meal that comes after lunch, before bed. What are we having? - Why don't you tell me? - (LAUGHS) Oh, oh. Oh, awkward. Uh, I... I assumed you picked up on it already. Um, I am... ..a prince. You know. So, um... Oh, you're right, this IS awkward, because I assumed that YOU picked up on it already. I don't care. Then you suggest I... What? Fend for myself? Only if you're hungry, Your Majesty. You're mocking me. Well, you could man up a little. Oh, of course. You're jealous. (LAUGHS) Of you?! I am a prince on a noble quest. You are a thief incapable of loving anything but... your trinkets. (BIRDS CHIRP) - (BIRD SQUAWKS) - (THUD!) So, how does one end up engaged to three princesses? It is a little bit troubling. (CHIRPS) When you're born a prince, you marry a princess. I have to find one who truly loves me to break this curse. So I just keep proposing to them, one after another. You see, you don't steal their heart, you earn it. So enlighten me, Seor Suave. When you save them, why do you have to marry them? Are you not listening? Wait for it. PRINCE! So then, no true love? That will come when I discover who I am to be with. So who's in the lead? It could be the girl with the glass shoes, Cinderella. The night we met, she felt the clock ticking. But now she takes her time. - How long is this going to take? - PAINTER: Uh... a while? Tick-tock, buddy! It's always midnight somewhere! PAINTER: OK! - I'm no Da Vinci or anything. - Mm-hm. Did you know he just invented a new kind of... Is he inventing a faster way to paint a portrait? Huh? Quick-drying paint? I've got a fitting in an hour! So you're willing to risk your life for her? I must! True love for my people is in jeopardy. The gauntlet consists of three impossible tasks. Hmm! - One - cross an impassable pass. - (CHIRPS) Two - survive an unsurvivable attack. - (LENORE LAUGHS) - The punching and the kicking! And three - conquer an unconquerable beast. - Oooh. - Now, that's a shadow puppet. Sounds exhausting. That's what I said. Still, can't be worse than collecting and hoarding treasure. Hey, perhaps that's MY true love. Not possible. Treasure can never love you back. It can never complete you. Why not? Obtaining it does meet all of your requirements. Not all, for there is a fourth and final requirement. Both lovers must take a blind leap of faith for each other. (WHISTLES) And since gold coins and rare baubles can never do that, at the end of the day, if it's just you and your treasure, you are alone. 20 years I've waited, and now it's but two more sunsets and the curse is sealed. Then and only then will you see the true devastation of my curse. (CACKLES) So, Lenny, what about you? Is there a special someone in your life? Hah! No. You and I are cut from different cloths. - You could never understand. - Try me. Hmm. Well, I grew up on the open sea, and it taught me one consistent lesson. Trust no-one. - No-one? - No-one. Keeps you alive and keeps you fed, but it doesn't earn you a lot of friends. PHILIPPE: Friends? I've heard of those. But my father never appointed any to me. You, uh, talk in your sleep. You know that? I do? What do I say? You know, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure you were being chased by an angry gang. It's true. A mob chases me through my dreams at night. I think the dreams started when Mama died. I know they will end when I find my true love. And on other nights, I just dream about pancakes! PHILIPPE: Oh... how mysterious! - (STRANGE DISTANT GROANING) - Whoa! Aie! - (WHINNIES) - Charlie! What is it, girl? (WHINNIES) This isn't right. What is going on here? (ROARING) What was that? - Lenny! - Hang on! Whoa! This isn't gaunt-lite at all! That almost killed me! I mean, did you see that? I know! The whole valley's alive! Ok. Have you ever used a bow before? - Of course. - Great. There! Ugh! I thought you said you know how to use a bow! No, I said I HAD used one, which I have. Once. Ugh! Take the reins! Um, yeah... I don't really do the driving, so... OK, I'll drive! (CHARLIE WHINNIES) - Whoa! - Ahh! Whoa! Nice shot! Whoa! What are you doing? I don't know. I've never driven one of these things before. - (CHARLIE WHINNIES) - Whoa! Whoa! Argh! (PHILIPPE THINKS) And this is where Charming died. The end. (SOBS) Or maybe not! - PHILIPPE: Whooa! - (LENORE YELPS) (ILLY WHISTLES) - (BOOM!) - BOTH: Ahh! Um... amazing! Do you know what that was? I mean, do you know what that was? LENORE: Yeah, that was a treasure chest dropping into a forest full of killer vines. PHILIPPE: It was an impassable pass! Oh, what a thrill! Aha! Take that! LENORE: Even more thrilling than if your men did it for you? I understand what you're implying and you're right. I have always been carried across life's impassable passes on the shoulders of others. But today we faced it together like brothers in arms! And it was awesome! Look at me running that gauntlet, pursuing my one true love! It's destiny! I feel so alive! And you! You are amazing! What do you want, a kiss? - What did you say? - Kidding! I'm so male it's, like, ridiculous, bro! Like, what a dude I am! - PHILIPPE: Right! Yeah! Bro. - Bro! You need to teach me how to use this thing and the bow and the cart. Whoa! Well, maybe not the cart. Um... But everything else! Why do you even carry a sword? Because it looks fantastic. Take that, scoundrel! Scoundrel? Really? (LAUGHS) OK. OK, I can't take this anymore. Look, you'll never vanquish an enemy like that. Not even an imaginary one. Here, let me show you. Your sword is not an accessory. So like that smile of yours, be more careful where you point it. Like this. Uh... how does that feel? Nice. Very nice. - Attack! - (WHINNIES) Whoa, whoa! Oh, look, Prince Charming's actually attempting to find his way through the gauntlet and break his curse. (LAUGHS) How adorable. But what's this? A female travelling companion? And she's somehow immune to his charm? Oh, no! This will not be tolerated! (CHUCKLES) Weird. I could have sworn... Oh, well. I guess we'll go this way. So, how well do you even know these princesses? Like, uh, Little Miss Sleepy Head? Ah, the girl who slept, who is at last awake. What I love about Sleeping Beauty is her energy. After a hundred-year nap, she's rejuvenated, vivacious, ready for life. (SNORES) PAINTER: Oh, boy. Hello? Dear? (GASPS) Did it... Did it happen again? PAINTER: Just hold that pose. What about posing on a chaise lounge? (YAWNS) Or maybe a bed? PAINTER: I don't think that's a good idea. Or maybe I'm holding a sheep? Two sheep? Three sheep? - (SNORES) - Ugh! Again?! (SIGHS) Of course, I could be wrong. You know what might help us? This gadget my inventors showed me called a compass. Wherever you go, the needle points to north. At sea, all we really needed were the stars to get us wherever we were going. Life at sea sounds like... a thrilling adventure. Well, it's not! A lot of it is hard work. And you're always watching your back. Not all of us are as charmed as you. PHILIPPE: Whoa, I can't help it if I'm too charming. LENORE: What? Please! Look, the adoration of these princesses won't last forever. - I'll break the curse. - How? The missing piece of the puzzle is out there. - That's barely even a plan! - Why are you such a pessimist? Why are you such an optimist? We're totally lost! Yes, but with every new step, there is hope. - But not that step. - (CHIRPS) (CHARLIE SNICKERS) (FOOTSTEPS THUD) Uh-oh! - What is it? - (CHARLIE SNICKERS) - (CHARLIE WHINNIES) - (BOTH GRUNT) - LENORE: It's the Matilija. - The Matili-wha? LENORE: A forest tribe of savage giants. No-one has ever survived an encounter with them. Hold on - if no-one has ever survived an encounter with them, how does anyone know they exist? Because... well... You know, I've never actually thought about that. (BOTH GRUNT) (CHARLIE WHINNIES) - Oh! - Whoa! (ALL GRUNT) LENORE: OK. We're dead. (LAUGHS) Lenny, my friend, do not fret. (WHISPERS) I got this. (MATILIJA MURMUR AND CACKLE) Well, hello there, you delicate little flowers! (MATILIJA GASP AND COO) Sometimes it's a curse... ..and a blessing. So, what time's the party? And what can we bring? - (VIBRANT DRUM MUSIC) - (MATILIJA WHOOP) MAN: Let's get this party started! (MATILIJA WHOOP) If you love to eat people, let me hear you scream! (ALL SCREAM) DJ: Alright, this one's for the ladies! Let me hear those stomachs roar! They're very light on their feet. (LAUGHS) Hey, that's... quite a hairpin. The indestructible dagger of the Matilija, forged in the Fire Mountain centuries ago for the husband of the chief. (CHUCKLES) (CHIRPS) Let the anointing begin! Anointing? Ah! Of course. Under normal circumstances, you'd be rubbed from head to toe with the sacred oil of our ancestors. But since we cannot decide who should be allowed to anoint you, we'll all take a turn! That's a lot of anointing. Uh, what happened to my friend? The ugly one with the bad moustache? He will not be anointed. However, as a special wedding gift to you, he will also not be eaten. Until breakfast! Oh, that's very generous. Where is he? With the Half-Oracle. The Half-Oracle? She is only blind in one eye and therefore only right half the time. You are here on a mission of love. Love? Well, yes, technically. Charming's, not mine. You seek one who has departed this realm. What? No! You have sentenced your heart to eternity in your soul's dungeon and tossed the key. - You enjoy knitting. - No, I don't. Ah. You are on the verge of a betrayal so monumental that love itself hangs in the balance. Betrayal is such a harsh word, don't you think? When you return home, you will join a convent. Um... no. But long-dormant embers of your own hope threaten to ignite within you, for you have allowed yourself to be touched by another, and therefore you must now question all previous assumptions of self. OK, maybe. Maybe on some level that I can't access I'm hoping that I can maybe learn to love someone. By sharing true love's kiss. (SQUEAKY VOICE) "I'm just no-one, "therefore I can never experience true love's kiss." I don't sound like that! But you're right. True love cannot save you. Hmm! Unless... you let it in. Ugh! Isn't true love... overrated? Yes, yes... I see it now. (MYSTICAL MUSIC) (SINGS) You turned him down And, baby, you found A little piece of you And it's a piece left intact A part that won't act But it's overdue So you could just fail You could lower your tail And just lay down to die But a sliver of hope And a dream to elope So sees my good eye And I I see you are infinite And I see you are definite You push that shape-shifting smile And as your defence falls Like your castle walls It comes crashing down It comes crashing down But I hear you You don't want love anymore But you're drowning Oh And I feel you You shut love out evermore Pain surrounds you Oh So you could just fail You could lower your tail Don't just lay down to die... Wait! I have one more question. Is it possible that... ..well, that... Charming could maybe possibly be my true love? - Yes. - You're certain? - No. - Ugh! Half-Oracle! (LAUGHS) Whoo! Hot potato! - (LAUGHS) - (MATILIJA MOAN) Ladies, please, please! That tickles! - I'm like a bar of soap! - (GASPS) (QUIET SNORING) Please let me go. Please let me go. - I never meant to hurt you all. - (CHIRPS) I can break the curse, if I could just... What?! Where am I? What happened? (CHIRPS) - Illy! Where's Lenny? - (CHIRPS) Then a rescue plan is up to us. - (CHIRPS) - The dagger! Good idea! (GROANS AND GRUNTS) (BLADE RINGS) (GRUNTS AND LAUGHS) - (CHIRPS) - The road has a code. Leave no friend... (GRUNTS) (PANTS) ..behind. (PANTS) (CHIRPS) (STRAINS) - (CHIRPS) - Illy! - You look awfully shiny. - Oh, thanks. 150 anointings will do that to a man. Come on. We got to get out of here. The chief and I are getting married, and... Well, we're eating you for breakfast. Well, that does explain why I've been marinating all night. Mmm... Tangy. It's quite nice, actually. Right? - Teriyaki? - (LENORE LAUGHS) (GASPS) Oh! - Hey! - Oh. Uh... You know, you have the loveliest... eye. See ya! Quick! They're escaping! And they're either going to get away or they're not! (CHARLIE WHINNIES) - (WHINNIES) - Hyah! Climb up! No, no! Not my true love! Stop him! He has the indestructible dagger. And our breakfast. On the bright side, surviving an unsurvivable attack IS on our to-do list. Hey! The gauntlet! You do believe. - Huh! - (RUMBLING) (CHARLIE WHINNIES) (DEBRIS CRUMBLES) LENORE: Ugh! PHILIPPE: Whoa! Lenny, dude. Very heavy. - LENORE: That's the horse! - PHILIPPE: Found a torch! - LENORE: That's my ankle. - (CHARLIE WHINNIES) PHILIPPE: OK. We got to get some light in here. - (RUMBLING) - Ugh! Not what I meant! No-one can have him but me! - You are mine! Mine! - (RUMBLING) - All mine! - There's no other way out. CHIEF: You and me forever! And ever and ever and ever! - It doesn't end like this. - Why? 'Cause your father handed down some insane theory about what it takes to find love in this cruel world? No, because I cannot die here. Not today. I wasted my time talking, not doing. - Yeah, well... - (RUMBLING) I wanted to see the Pyramids. But I guess I'm not going to. I've done nothing for anyone in this world but myself. I want to put an end to my curse. I want a happily ever after. For everyone. Yeah. - I want that too. - (RUMBLING) There's something I need to tell you. The thing is... Well... - I'm not really... - (RUMBLING) - (CHIRPS) - PHILIPPE: There! - Thank you. - For what? - Coming back for me. - Well, we're almost there. I still haven't chosen a bride. Right. The princesses. LENORE: What about Snowy What's-Her-Name? PHILIPPE: Oh, Snow White. Had a bad childhood. Yeah, an evil queen tricked her into eating a poisoned apple. But, you know, she never stopped trusting people. PAINTER: Can you turn around? Yeah, I don't want to turn my back to the window. And I really shouldn't talk to strangers. - I'm the painter. - Or you could be a witch. No! No, I'm... I'm the painter. - Did you hear that? Shh! - (FOOTSTEPS SCAMPER) - Little feet. - Um... Let's try some props. - Will you accept this apple? - Ah! No apples! - No, wait! - (SMASHING) - Oh, yeah, she's a keeper. - Yeah. Well, let's keep moving. Buddy. So, you bested the man-eaters, an impressive and unexpected turn of events. But I wager you'll not fare so well when faced with your own worst temptations. Mine! Oh! And I'll take this one. And I'll take this one too. - Ooh! And I'll take this one! - Hmm. Ooh! And I'll take this one. Ooh, and I'll take this one too. Wow! - Ooh! - (GEM DINGS) That is definitely mine. Are you sure this is a good idea? We cannot allow false temptations to distract us now. It's just a colourful rock, Lenny. Let's go! - Whoa! - (GROWLING) I take it back! That's not a rock! - Not a rock! Not a rock! - Mine! (ROCK CRASHES) (PHILIPPE GRUNTS) (ROARS) - Look out! - (ROARS) Now, that's what I call an unconquerable beast. (SNARLS) Let's do this. Attack! - (CRASHING) - PHILIPPE: Ow! (GROWLS) - (LENORE PANTS) - (CRASHING) - Are you OK? - Ugh! Are you kidding? This is exactly what I needed. Listen. No matter what happens, you cannot help me. Wait! You're not gonna try and fight that thing alone?! To complete the gauntlet, I must. No! No! I'm sorry. I can't just stand here and watch you get pummelled to death. Lenny. Your oath. (SIGHS) You have my word. (ROARS AND STAMPS) (BLADE RINGS) (ROARS) Striking deliberately! With respect! I did not use the word 'scoundrel'! Well, that played out differently in my mind. - (SNARLS) - Hola. (DING!) (ROARS) So... Not a female unconquerable beast, then? Hey, you! Come here! Fight me! Oh, come on! I'm trying to run the gauntlet here. - (CREATURE SNARLS) - (ROCKS CRUMBLE) - (GROWLS) - (PHILIPPE GRUNTS) (CREATURE SNARLS) Ha-ha! I got you now! You're mine, beast! (GRUNTS) Embarrassing. - Huh! - (ROARS) - Huh... - (CREATURE GROWLS) - Whoa! - (GROWLS) (YELLS) (PANTS) The gem, he wants it back! - (GRUNTS) - (ROARS) Incoming! (FOOTSTEPS CRASH) (GASPS) (GROWLS) I think you were looking for this. (ROARS) - (GRUNTS) - (ROARS) (CREATURE'S ROAR FADES) (DISTANT CRASH) I did it! - I did it! - (CREATURE SNARLS) I didn't do it! (GROANS) - (BIRDS TWITTER) - (FEET CRASH) (GROWLS) Look at him. - (CHIRPS) - Yeah. He's totally gonna die. And for love! Lenny! - Lenny! - (CREATURE SNARLS) I mean... He really believes it. Could the answer I gave up finding so long ago truly be as simple as a blind leap? PHILIPPE: Lenny! And a little faith that I'll be caught? I know I said "no matter what", but... (YELLS) Help! Maybe there's more to him than just a prince looking for a princess. PHILIPPE: For the love of anything you love, help me! (CRASHING) LENORE: Charming! (LENORE GASPS) (GROWLS) (BLADE RINGS) (GEM DINGS) (HEROIC MUSIC) (GEM DINGS) (YELLS) (CREATURE GROWLS) (PHILIPPE MOANS) Yes! Ha-ha! Oh. Well... You complete me too. (LAUGHS) Ow! OK. Oh. Bumping. Yeah. (LAUGHS) He did it! He conquered the unconquerable beast with a missing piece. I-is he MY missing piece? No. That's stupid. But... What if? (SIGHS) I need to know for sure. If I deliver him to those princesses at Fire Mountain tomorrow, I'll never know if he could fall for a girl like me. She's a bigger threat than I imagined. But a heart locked away for so long can be fragile. It doesn't take much to break it. - (NEMENY LAUGHS) - PHILIPPE: Got you a souvenir! (LAUGHS) He just squeezes these out. Did YOU see? - Hey. - (CHARLIE SNORTS) Where's Lenny? (PANTS) What's this? "Meet me at The Dainty Dish at eight." (LENORE SINGS) The curse that's shared is halved Thought I'd break my back But a curse that's shared is halved Now, I know that's a fact But every time I'm slipping down there You say something so profound that I feel my eyes start to water I'm watching closely Hoping to learn something But nothing breaks your spirit You're a creature built for giving You're a teacher and you're teaching me A way to feel these feelings, oh Nothing seems to scare you You're so magical So magical could be my love (BOTH SING) You're the solution right here - To my oldest truth - You're here undiluted In ocean and skies of blue You're here, there and everywhere Oh, you're everywhere You're every care But nothing breaks your spirit You're a creature built for giving You're a teacher and you're teaching me a way To feel these feelings, oh Nothing seems to scare you You're so magical So magical could be my love Nothing seems to scare you You're so magical So magical could be my love. Pardon me. The Dainty Dish? WOMAN: Welcome to The Dainty Dish, home of the world-famous long claws. (CLEARS THROAT) - (BOING!) - Wha...?! (FRENCH ACCENT) If you wish to enter, you must answer my questions three. - OK. - How many people in your party? Uh... Two. Do you have a reservation? - I think so. - And how will you be paying? Hmm. Don't princes eat free? - (YELLS) - Ow! I'll pay cash. (SINGS) You are... Welcome to The Dainty Dish! You're the first in your party to arrive. (LAUGHS) May I show you to your table? - Uh... Please. - (SINGS) (TENSE MUSIC) (ALL GASP) Curse this curse! Just blend in. MAN: Hey, watch it! Be cool. - Avoid eye contact. - (WOMAN GASPS) Choose one of the princesses, quick! Wonderful, wonderful. Enchant. Ah! Here we go, monsieur, and... Our special tonight is paella. - (CHIRPS) - Hmm. Paella. (THINKS) Hm. My knees felt like paella once. Ah! I wonder whatever happened to that bandit woman. Hmm. Best just to order the kebabs. Ladies... Prince Charming could use some company. Well... Here goes. (SIGHS) PHILIPPE: And that is my tale. Now that I've conquered... - (GASPS) - ..the unconquerable... (LAUGHS) ..this prince must choose his princess. Now, which one of the three? I get married tomorrow. I'm such an idiot. What was I thinking? He'll always want a princess. - Not some commoner. - (CHIRPS) No! This is how it goes from here, Illy. We deliver him to the mountain. We collect our payment. We move on to the next job. Trust nothing. Especially your heart. Hurts, doesn't it? (LENORE SINGS) I never wanted to turn out this way Now forever feels like yesterday (BACKUPS SING) Look out now Don't take one more step If we survive Cracked up... - (WHINNIES) - ..it never lasts... Ooh! The Fire Mountain. We're here. Hey. What happened to you last night? You, uh, never showed up. - I changed my mind. - Are you OK? - I'm fine. - Oh, good. I wish you had come. That restaurant you picked was... Well... It was challenging for me. I was telling stories of our journey. And then I remembered the words of this girl I met, before I even started the gauntlet. - Really? And what could that be? - To let go. Let go of my old ways, of my doubts, of my immaturity. Today, I must put that aside and trust my feelings. - Like a compass pointing north. - (SNAPS FINGERS) Careful you don't let go of something valuable. Oh, is this 'cause I finished all the pancakes? - No! - And the coffee? - No. - And the trail mix? - No! - Oh! Thank goodness. Because in just three days, you have become the only true friend I have ever had. Friend? True love? Choosing who to marry? You know, you throw these terms around like you have any idea what they mean. Well, I hate to break it to you, FRIEND. You don't. And you? You, who refuse to trust anyone? You understand? No, I don't, but I never claimed to. If you have to pick a princess today, so be it, but I have news for you, Prince Charming. If you really love someone, you would only have eyes for her. If you really love someone, you would dissolve all other engagements before ever seeking her hand. And if you really love someone, you would know how cruel it is to allow her, or anyone else, to believe that SHE might love YOU. I have to make a choice, Lenny. My time's run out. Don't let yours run out. Don't wait too long to see the Pyramids. Well, well! It's about time. KING BEAUTY: At least he made it in one piece. Uh, Lenny, what is he talking about? Your fortunes. I trust these satisfy the terms of our deal. Wait. What deal was that? To get you here, all the way, unharmed, through the gauntlet. No-one thought you'd make it. Not even me. I thought you were my friend. Tell me one true thing about you. Fine. It was her all along! This is weird. Love is blind! (GASPS AND GROWLS) Get a hold of yourself. Guards! - (GUARDS GROWL) - PHILIPPE: That was my face. - (GASPS) - This feeling, it's so weird. Don't you get it? We passed through an unpassable pass together. Ow! We survived the unsurvivable attack together! It doesn't bend that way. And then, I single-handedly saved her from an unconquerable beast! And then, you took the leap of blind faith for each other. No. That's not true. I leapt for you, Philippe. I actually let myself believe in you and all your true love nonsense. That's why I invited you to The Dainty Dish, to tell you. To tell me what? (SIGHS) That... I... You know what? Why don't you just ask one of your fiances? No! LENORE: My only true love is this treasure. Lenore! I can't lose you. Now for the matter at hand. Ladies... KING BEAUTY: Ladies! Eyes front. - Hello?! - (MIRROR SHATTERS) - (LAMP CLATTERS) - Prince Charming. It is time to choose your one true love and liberate all others from your spell. Do you choose Sleeping Beauty... ..Snow White... ..or Cinderella? I choose... ..none of you. - What?! - Excuse me?! I'm sorry. I never knew what love really felt like. But now I do. As wonderful as you all may be, I have found my true love. But she has chosen treasure over me. To feel this way and then have it taken from you, that truly IS a curse. I cannot do this to my people, wipe out all love itself. So if I can't break the curse, then the curse must die... with me. PHILIPPE: "My sweet, sweet Valerie. "I write you now in my final hour to liberate you "so that you may seek the love that you deserve. "I've found my true love. "Now be free and go forth and find yours. "Philippe." (CHIRPS) "Darling Vanessa, "I write you now in these, my final hours." - (DOOR CREAKS) - (ILLY CHIRPS) It's unacceptable. - You are a crown prince. - I have to do this, Papa. What difference does it make if they make me wait? (SIGHS) This just isn't right. And on your birthday, of all days! But that's exactly why I have to do this today. (SIGHS) I must die before the sun sets. It is the only way to liberate our people from my curse. KING CHARMING: And what are these? I need them all to know... ..that they never really loved me. I felt it, Papa! I felt love. And just like that, I lost it forever. She must know that thanks to her, I felt it, before I died. I will see that they are delivered. (SIGHS) What a fine man you have become. You would have made a great king. SONG: I'm so far away from home But the line's too tight to break Yeah, the line's too tight to break Now I know where I belong But the line's too tight to break And I'm still hoping, hanging on Here I go Wish me luck - I hear it... - (CHIRPS) So loud and clear... "My sweet, sweet Valerie." - Valerie? - (CHIRPS) "I finally see that true, true love is really... "..just a leap of blind faith. "I have found my true love." (GASPS) Me. It is me, right? You realise what this means? - He's leaping! - (CHIRPS) Save him? From what? (CHIRPS) (GASPS) Well, come on! - So hard... - (CHIRPS) So hard So hard... So hard... - (TENSE MUSIC) - (CROWD MURMURS) MAN: Presenting for the last time ever, Prince Charming! - Break the curse! - WOMAN: Don't do it! You stole my love's heart! And presenting the newly single Weeping Beauty! More than a little cranky. Snow White! And one shoe short of a husband, Cinderella! (HOWLS) (CLEARS THROAT) You mind if I say something real quick? Hello. Quiet, please, ladies and gentlemen. Quiet! The prince would like to speak. Oh, thank you - you are surprisingly pleasant for a man who kills people for a living. Oh, it's just a job. My heart's not in it really, you know. I just happen to have a talent for the work. Good people. Standing here before you on that stage, my heart broken, my soul tortured, I need you all to know that I finally understand the pain and suffering I have caused so many. I will sacrifice myself so that you all may reunite with your true loves. MAN: He's doing this for us. (SOBS) Lovely speech. Always a tough crowd at these things. - Death and all, you know. - Oh, uh... - We're up to this part already? - Afraid so, yes. So, if we could just pop our little head into the noose here. There's a good lad. Yes. We've got a football match in the courtyard in half an hour, you see. So, um, we'll, uh... We'll go on three. Are you ready? Uh, no, uh... Not really. Sorry. Sorry. I don't know why I always ask that. Uh... Right. And a-one. A-two. Two and a quarter. Two and a half. Uh... What are you doing? Oh, well, you see, traditionally, if someone wanted to save you in an impressive act of heroism, this would be the moment. Oh. Well... Guess not. Three! (COUGHS) (CHARLIE WHINNIES) (CROWD GASPS) - Ha! - Huh! Huh! Hey! A change of heart? A blind leap of faith. You were right about me. And I was wrong about you. LENORE: Let's just say a little bird told me. You're my one true love. NEMENY: Is that true love's kiss on your lips? Oh, no, you don't! Good luck finding each other before the sun sets! (COUGHS) - Charming! - (THUMP!) What is this? What's going on? It's Nemeny Neverwish. She wants to keep us apart. Well, too bad for her. Sorry, friend. Shall we dance? Ha-ha! Where is she? I'm right here, darling. (LAUGHS) (ARROW BUZZES) NEMENY: Now... ..over here. Whoa! Stop playing around, you silly girl. I'm right here. Lenore Quinonez! What a royal pain you turned out to be. Tell me. What part of "doomed to never love" do you not understand?! That is YOUR curse, not mine. (LAUGHS AND SNARLS) Sorry, dearie. You can't break something that's already broken! No. I'M sorry. Because I'm done letting anyone else tell me who I can and cannot choose. We'll see about that! No! (NEMENY LAUGHS) Goodnight, sweet prince. (SOBS) (CHIRPS) (GASPS) True love's kiss! (GASPS) Our true love's kiss. (BREATHES DEEPLY) No! (HOPEFUL MUSIC) (GASPS) (LAUGHS) (SIGHS) (BOTH LAUGH) (ALL SOB) You did it, Philippe. You broke the curse for everyone. But you also saved a girl born at sea. - (SOBS) - LENORE: You WERE magical. (GASPS) What? What is happening to me? (HEARTBEAT THUDS) What is this feeling? PHILIPPE: It's magical, isn't it? Some kiss. So that's what that feels like. No fairy godmother required. Hold on. Look at them. LENORE: Good people. Is there anything you want me to say to him? - Like what? - Like... Will you marry me, Prince Philippe Charming? (ROMANTIC FLOURISH) (APPLAUSE) (CHARLIE WHINNIES) And you're giving it all away? That's your life's fortune. No. No, it's not. (DING!) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING) SONG: All I want to be, all I ever want to be, yeah, yeah Is somebody to you... You'll get some charm and you'll get some charm. Huh! Party gifts. A dollop of charm for everyone! Whoo! Get your dollop now. But every time I look at you I just don't care 'Cause all I want to be All I ever want to be, yeah, yeah... LENORE: All the fairytales call this a happy ending. But I like to think of it as a happy beginning. Because our life together is just getting started. (ARROW STRIKES TARGET) So, that's our story. I may have a new life, but I'll always live it my way. Look, if you told me a year ago this is where I'd be, I would have said you were crazy, and stolen your wallet. Now she just steals the covers, and my hairbrush. Oh, and by the way, the last pancake. Not cool. - Not cool. - Hey! I'm eating for two. - (LAUGHS) - The Half-Oracle was right. I do enjoy knitting. Oh! At least half right. All I want to be, all I ever want to be, yeah, yeah - Is somebody to you - Is somebody to you Yes, all I want to be, all I ever want to be, yeah, yeah - Is somebody to you - Yeah, you Yeah, you! SONG: They say true love is hard to find I know That we can't be denied When I sing That we've fallen in so deep Nothing can ever stop our destiny Like a thief in the night, I stole your heart Under a spell, we can't be apart Something about you keeps me drawn to you Oh, yeah Stars align, our hopes combine Shining bright in the night sky We'll be forever here like the sun and moon We're so charming Got my heart started They always say that love is blind Yet I see love in your eyes So charming - Nothing can stop it - Stop it We can leave our past behind This could be our moment in time - We're so charming, charming - So charming Charming in love We're so charming, charming, charming in love Maybe We can run away They say We ain't meant to be 'Cause I need you just like breathing Don't take that from me 'Cause we can Now change our destiny Like a thief in the night I stole your heart Under a spell We can't be apart Something about you Keeps me drawn To you Stars align Our hopes combine, shining bright in the night sky We'll be forever here like the sun and moon - We're so charming - So charming - Got my heart started - Got it started They always say that love is blind Yet I see love in your eyes - So charming - So charming - Nothing can stop it - Can stop it We can leave our past behind This could be our moment in time - We're so charming, charming - So charming Charming in love We're so charming, charming Charming in love Nothing's coming in between us No, no Oh, nothing get in our way Found a reason to believe that I believe in here to stay So let everybody see us Gonna let the whole world know Don't let me go We're in control Won't let you go We're so charming Got my heart started They always say that love is blind Yet I see love in your eyes So charming Nothing can stop it - Charming - We can leave our past behind This could be our moment in time We're so charming, charming, charming in love They say True love is hard to find I know That we can't be denied. (GENTLE MUSIC) (LIVELY MUSIC) ('TROPHY BOY' BY AVRIL LAVIGNE, ASHLEY TISDALE AND G.E.M. PLAYS) They call me a damsel in distress 'Cause I want my prize The one with the kingdom and the big brown eyes The one with the voice that can boom like music And, oh, my, oh, my, does he know how to use it - Whoa - I'm not playing with ya He looks into your eyes, knows what to say to ya Oh, oh, oh He's so beautiful That's the consensus I've got the crown jewels I will be his princess I like him for his smile I like him for his hair I like him for his style I like him 'cause he's so debonair He's my trophy boy, my trophy boy, my trophy boy I want him for myself I want to lock him down I want that ring on my finger like I want that crown He's my trophy boy, my trophy boy, my trophy boy He's so vicious, so totally runway I know I wasn't listening, but he's totally funny I don't even care if he ever makes a sound Just as long as when you see me He's around and he's bound to me He's like my glass slipper He fits me so good and he's such a good tipper Oh, oh, oh And you could sing along if you like But you only know one man who looks tough in tights I like him for his smile I like him for his hair I like him for his style I like him 'cause he's so debonair He's my trophy boy, my trophy boy, my trophy boy I want him for myself I want to lock him down I want that ring on my finger like I want that crown He's my trophy boy, my trophy boy, my trophy boy And it's not just about his looks He's also got a sensitive side He has the soul of a poet if you give it the time And he's a perfect gentleman, class and etiquette Oh, who am I kidding? He's just got such excellent abs You can't compete with those fellas Such class I'll make the whole kingdom jealous Oh, man I just forget my manners Hello I'm Cinderella And I need a wedding planner I like him for his smile I like him for his hair I like him for his style I like him 'cause he's so debonair He's my trophy boy, my trophy boy, my trophy boy I want him for myself I want to lock him down I want that ring on my finger like I want that crown He's my trophy boy, my trophy boy, my trophy boy Oh, oh, oh, my gosh Oh, my fairy godmother Won't you call this boy's mama And tell her that I love her, hey I like him for his smile I like him for his hair I like him for his style I like him 'cause he's so debonair He's my trophy boy, my trophy boy, my trophy boy Yeah I want him for myself I want to lock him down I want that ring on my finger like I want that crown He's my trophy boy, my trophy boy, my trophy boy I need a trophy boy Yeah.