The Dude In The Dam

Amazing.

Beverly told me you were lying.

You're just trying to lure me out to the woods.

(chuckles)

Well, if you don't want to ace the environmental science class...

I didn't say I believed her.

The dam is down here and upstream.

Beavers are second only to us in their ability to alter the environment. That's right.

Now, over here, this used to be a full-on stream.

Amazing.

GIRL: Look at the beaver! Look at the beaver!

This is awesome!

Come on, let me get a picture of you in front of the dam.

(screaming)

BOY: What? What?

(screaming, gasping)

Get away from me.

Get away from me!

Help! He's trying to kill me!

Help! Wait a minute!

He's trying to kill me. Wait!

BOOTH: You know, you shouldn't read off that thing.

News should come from the newspaper.

Do you also feel we should go to work on a horse?

(laughs) You know what?

Technology is not all about improvement.

Me personally? I like the feel of the newspaper in my hands.

I have access to over 100 newspapers and wire services, not to mention millions of Web sites and blogs.

(scoffs) Right, blogs.

I mean, some guy in his underwear living in his mom's basement giving his take on the economy.

What?!

Tess Brown just called my last novel a "turgid slog."

Who's Tess Brown?

The mystery novelist.

She has three best-sellers to my six.

Well, did you ever say anything about her stuff?

I did an interview where I was asked about her last book.

Mm-hmm.

Here.

Well, no wonder she took a jab at you.

What? What do you mean "What?"

Look, "Tess Brown never lets reality get in the way of an unbelievable story."

That's accurate.

While her books show imagination, they lack the authority and realism that academic and scientific credentials bring to this specific genre.

You slammed her. That's a slam.

I don't agree. Right, of course you don't.

You know, 'cause tact is not your strong suit.

I'm supposed to take advice from a Luddite who thinks the last great technological achievement was given to us by Johannes Gutenberg?

(phone ringing) You know what? I rest my case.

Booth.

Right. Okay.

On our way. Okay, well, got a body behind a rest stop up by the Blue Ridge Highway.

I may have lost my temper just now, but I do consider myself to be a very tactful person.

Mm-hmm.

That's an attractive tie.

You don't even notice the milk stain on it.

Very tactful.

(muttering): Very tactful, Bones.

I thought so.

(indistinct conversations, siren whoops)

So, what do we got?

Remains stuck in the beaver dam.

And they're pretty badly broken up.

Brilliant engineering.

BOOTH: Wow, this guy must've cut the beaver's work in half.

HODGINS: Yeah, we can't take him out until we build another dam upstream, so this area doesn't flood and destroy all the evidence.

Based on the supraorbital margin, narrow nasal aperture, and minimal dental wear, I'd say the victim is a Caucasoid male between the ages of 28 and 32.

Insect activity indicates he's been here about three days.

Agent Booth. Yeah?

We found a blood trail at the top of the hill by the maintenance shed.

It leads down the slope to the river bed.

Oh, he must've been killed up there, and tossed down here.

Right, what's with the gloop?

HODGINS: Yeah, it's from the leopard slugs all over him.

Their slime is a polymeric material that can absorb water and ex... Stick with the gloop.

Yeah. The slugs fed on the victim after he was killed? Yup.

I need him removed before any other evidence is compromised. Oh, really?

I hate that we're gonna have to destroy the beaver's fine work.

Well, it'll make a good story for his little beaver friends, okay?

BRENNAN: I want him back in the lab this afternoon.

I saw the whole article-- Tess Brown also said that Dr. Brennan's books were a cure for insomnia.

I really don't think this is appropriate work conversation.

I'm just saying I'd be mad, too-- wouldn't you?

I'm sure Dr. Brennan's developed a thick skin.

You can't survive in publishing without one.

Without one what? Without... a... book.

Of course not.

Look at that.

Yes, the victim is missing a maxillary lateral incisor.

It's an unusual genetic marker.

Have either of you read Tess Brown's books?

No. I've heard she's terrible.

A bitch.

That's maybe a little harsh.

But why read her when I can read you?

Very true.

I need clean bones as soon as possible, Mr. Bray.

We have to separate peri- and postmortem fractures.

Uh, Dr. Hodgins asked that I wait for him.

You are not on loan to anyone, Mr. Bray.

You belong to me.

Now clean.

Was that tactless?

I really wasn't paying attention.

I think I was just direct.

Uh...

I'm stuck.

Uh, I'm stuck, I'm stuck here.

Wendell, I told you to wait.

Excretions from the leopard slug are a natural glue.

Tell me about it, but Dr. Brennan gave me an or...

All right, I brought vinegar and borax in order...

Just-just hold still, okay?

This isn't good. No, this could burn my skin.

We'll be fine. Okay.

We just need to get to the vinegar.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Ooh, hey, I-I think I see a perimortem fracture. Ooh!

Really? Now?

If I get a little closer...

No, Wendell.

♪ Bones 9x08 ♪ The Dude in the Dam Original Air Date on November 11, 2013

♪ Main Title Theme ♪ The Crystal Method

♪

I assumed the bones would be clean, Mr. Bray.

It was a bit more complicated than I thought.

But I already found something I thought you should see.

A hairline spiral fracture to the right humerus. That type of injury is often caused by stress from rotating the articular capsule.

Like when someone has their arm twisted behind their back.

It seems as if the killer took the victim to that location by force.

I don't think so.

Take another look at this fracture.

BRAY: Remodeling. Very slight.

This injury was inflicted approximately three months ago.

So people have been beating on this guy for a while.

Hey.

I've got a possible I.D.

Turns out the missing incisor was the giveaway.

BRENNAN: Sean Nolan.

So apparently they I.D.'d the victim because he was missing a little tooth.

Sean Nolan, 30. Single.

Right. He worked part-time as a print model.

I'm gonna contact his agent to see what his last job was.

So why'd you call me?

Well, his live-in girlfriend is in the conference room.

And she's all broken up and, you know, you're better with the tears than I am.

Wait...

Right.

Hey. Hey.

Heard about your little mishap on the platform.

(groans) I told him to wait.

You know?

No one appreciates the power of the mollusk.

Now, when I figure out what these guys ate, they're going to be able to help us catch a killer.

Hey, honey?

What is this?

It looks infected.

Oh yeah, th-that's... it's-it's nothing.

Remember last month when I had that little reaction to the mosquito bite?

Yeah, you-you went to the doctor.

He said everything was fine.

Actually, I didn't go 'cause I knew what it was.

What? What is it?

Well, I had gotten some insect samples from South America and... and-and anyway, long story short, uh, a mosquito deposited an egg into the dermis of my neck.

Dermatobia Hominis.

It's a human bot fly.

So the hot shower just made it swell up.

You've been letting a fly grow in your neck for the last month?

Yeah. (chuckles)

Angie, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me, you know?

I mean, serving as host for one of Mother Nature's miracles.

Okay, we are going to Cam right now, and she is cutting that thing out of your neck.

How many men can claim they have given birth?

You're not actually comparing this to carrying a child, are you?

Well, no.

No, of course not, but...

(taps keyboard)

You got to admit he's pretty cute, right?

And looking at my neck, I think he actually might come out soon.

You're insane.

We should just focus on the case.

Okay?

Oh, man.

I've never seen activity like this.

These guys are really going at it.

"It"?

Yeah, "it."

(sighs)

WOMAN: People didn't understand why someone who looked like Sean would be with someone like me, but... we loved each other, and... he always made me feel beautiful.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

So, Sean, uh, was a model?

Um, mostly small stuff. Okay.

He was starting to work more.

He was actually up for a national ad.

You're a partner at an accounting firm?

I pay most of the bills, if that's what you're asking.

Sean chipped in where he could.

But we didn't really keep track of where the money came from.

You don't sound like an accountant right now.

When you love someone, you support them.

Do you know if Sean had any enemies?

No, everybody liked him.

Sounds like you had a perfect life.

I'm sorry, is there something wrong with being happy, Dr. Sweets? No.

Now, this is awkward, Ms. Bardach, but I need to know your activities the last three days.

Of course.

I'm an accountant, so I keep excellent records.

I'm sure, but I-I'm curious, why didn't you report Sean missing?

It was simple.

He was on a photo shoot in Charlotte, North Carolina.

I mean, he traveled a lot when he worked.

But he always came home.

I always knew that I would see him again.

Sean Nolan was lying to his girlfriend.

Booth talked to his agent, and it turns out that he had not booked a modeling job in months.

So where was he going when he claimed to be out of town working?

I'm not sure.

I'm running an algorithm to see if we can break into his Top Cloud account.

I'm hoping that that'll tell us something.

Hey, I saw this clip of you talking about that other writer on Book Beat.

Seems like you two are really getting into it.

So, how would describe Tess Brown's style?

Uh, based on her last book, I'd describe it as a collection of simple declarative sentences devoid of style, actually, and interest.

Do you think that that was tactless?

(chuckles) Right, you're not kidding.

Brennan, you're blunt.

It's one of the things I love about you.

That doesn't answer the question.

Let's try an experiment.

What do you think of this dress?

It reminds me of garments prostitutes were forced to wear in shame under the law of Lex Julia.

That was tactful.

Thank you.

And also insulting.

Perhaps I should apologize to Tess Brown.

Yeah, that would definitely be the tactful thing to do.

(computer beeps)

Okay...

I'm in.

Okay, we should look at the last file that Nolan accessed.

"Kids"?

That's Hobart Park.

I've taken Christine there.

Well, these were taken with a telephoto lens.

Whoever took them obviously did not want to be seen.

The victim didn't have any children.

Okay, then that makes these extra creepy.

These hermaphroditic little dudes start with 2.5 hours of foreplay, right?

Then they have highly acrobatic s*x lasting over an hour.

But, you know, they usually take a break.

I know I would.

Man, are you really going to give birth to a bug?

Because I saw The Fly, and it did not end well.

It's perfectly safe, okay?

You know, I've devoted my life to these creatures, and now one is depending on me.

You do know that I'm going to have to actually grind up these slugs? I mean...

I guess... I don't know, man.

I feel like I'm... I'm giving a little back.

I hate to say it, but it almost makes sense.

These guys must have ingested something to go at it like this.

You know, methamphetamines have been known to cause extreme sexual behavior.

Well, I guess you'll know once you grind up these little guys.

Yeah, I know.

I just wanted them to have their little fun first.

Oh, well, that's very considerate of you.

What can I say?

I'm a romantic.

BOOTH: Still no weapon? BRENNAN: Not yet.

We're still cataloguing all of the injuries.

There was a lot of damage from the rocks in the stream.

Booth, I recognize some of these children from Nolan's pictures.

Maybe Nolan snatched one of the kids, you know, and a mom took him out.

Excuse me, ladies.

FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth.

This here is my partner, Dr. Temperance Brennan.

Have any of you... Do any of you recognize this man?

Uh... no, he doesn't look familiar.

I'm Allison Stallings, Can I ask what this is about?

We're investigating a murder, and we have information that he may have frequented this park.

Booth... Yeah? these three children exhibit genetically-based phenotypic variations that cannot be statistically random.

Okay, look, you have to know by now I don't understand what that means.

Uh, excuse me, are you talking about my son?

Yes. He has what's known as Darwin's tubercle.

It presents in only 10% of the population.

Your son and these children must share a common parent.

(laughing): Oh, that.

W-What's so funny?

Nothing, just... we're the 562 playgroup.

All the kids were fathered by the same sperm donor:

562 from the Khamu Sperm Bank.

Booth, her son is also missing his left lateral maxillary incisor, just like Sean Nolan.

So?

Sean Nolan is donor 562.

He's the father of all these children.

Khamu Sperm Bank prides itself on using only the best genetic donors.

All donors must be between 18 and 39.

At least five-nine.

Have no significant illness or family history of genetic disease, and produce a laboratory specimen twice a week for at least six months.

And Sean Nolan was one of your most popular donors, wasn't he?

Uh... we know he fathered at least three children for your clients.

He was one of our genius donors.

Which means you could charge more for his sperm.

Yes.

Our clients pay a premium for an Ivy League education and for every inch over six feet in height.

But it's about more than money, Dr. Sweets.

Sean's sperm allowed infertile couples to...

Sean Nolan never went to Yale, Ms. Lanfranco.

According to our records, he attended Queens College.

Dropped out after one semester.

And you knew that.

He provided false records.

As soon as we discovered the truth, we cut him loose.

If this gets out, it could hurt many couples who already have children because of Sean.

Oh, I understand the emotional consequences.

Being lied to always affects behavior.

I'm just trying to determine how violent that behavior can be.

I'm sorry Sean is dead.

It's devastating. Yeah.

It is, and I'm actually surprised it's taken you so long to express that.

(scoffs)

Am I a suspect now?

No, no. Not now, no.

Um... and we appreciate how helpful you've been.

So Sean made a lot of money with you.

He must have been upset when you let him go.

He knew he made a mistake.

He understood the consequences.

And you never saw him again?

Ours was a business relationship.

The lab strictly forbids having a personal relationship with a donor.

Is there anything further?

I'm sorry if I upset you.

Well, you did.

Am I free to go?

Yeah, absolutely.

Any word from your pureed slugs on what caused their orgy?

All I know so far is that the outer amino acids are hydrophilic.

Mass spec is still analyzing the molecular chains.

Man, that's getting bigger and definitely nastier.

Yeah, it grows quickly when it comes to term.

The larva forms a tumor in the subcutaneous zone of the host, using my flesh to convert itself into a bot fly.

Yeah, you shouldn't be excited by anything that you're saying.

Oh, my God, it's moving!

Yeah, that means that the larval development is almost complete.

When the time comes, it'll detach its a**l hooks and slide out to greet the world.

Dude, you have totally lost the plot.

Angela is going to divorce you.

Nah, I know my Angie.

When she sees this little bot fly...

Listen to yourself!

Mr. Bray, the victim's femur and tibia show evidence of thickening.

I know, and based on the growth striations at the end of the femur, it happened within the last few years.

Taking testosterone could be the cause.

Yeah, but there's no evidence the slugs ingested testosterone.

And it makes no sense.

Taking testosterone would decrease sperm production.

It would be bad for his business.

Dr. Hodgins, it appears you're almost to term.

Congratulations. Thanks, Dr. B.

This doesn't freak you out, even a little?

He's in no danger.

And Dr. Hodgins' love of entomology makes his desire to be an insect's host quite reasonable. Yeah.

Take cross sections from the femur, Mr. Bray.

Perhaps the chemicals contained in the marrow will match what Dr. Hodgins finds in the slugs.

I'll be back later.

Call me when you get the results.

Uh, Wendell? Um... (laughs)

Truthfully, Angie is a little unsupportive of me being a bot fly surrogate.

What a shock. So I was wondering if you wouldn't mind being with me when the little guy comes out?

You want me to be your midwife?

I was thinking more like birthing partner.

I'm going insane.

Oh, also, uh... if you wouldn't mind taking a video of the big event?

SWEETS: So the head of the sperm bank was definitely not forthcoming.

So you think it was her?

Well, it's too early to say.

Yeah. Of course it is. But...

Nolan must have angered a lot of people.

You know? He-he suffered from a narcissistic ego structure, hence his desire to literally replicate himself through his progeny.

How would that piss people off? Well, in his case, reproduction meant a stab at immortality.

Anyone who got in his way would be perceived as a threat to himself and his legacy.

That creates conflict.

Conflict begets murder. Biblical. Nice.

So, how's Dr. Brennan doing, uh, with her feud?

Putting it to rest. You know, I'm proud of her.

She's apologizing? Yeah. This afternoon.

I must be a good influence. Or what about the parents?

Excuse me? The case.

This murder case that we're working on?

Oh, right, right, right.

What if one of the parents who bought Nolan's stuff found out that he was lying?

That would definitely be motive. Definitely.

Questioning his integrity could start a fight.

Even though he was lying. Especially because he was lying.

A narcissistic ego is extremely fragile.

Mm.

(applause)

Today on Book Beat, two writers whose work mines similar territory: mystery writers Tess Brown, author of the just released Bed of Death, and Dr. Temperance Brennan, whose Bones of the Lost is coming out next month. TESS: It's great to be here, Bill.

My daughter loves your show. Oh.

I don't allow my daughter to watch television.

Of course, Ms. Brown is much older, so I'm sure her daughter is more than two.

I seem older to you because I married well before the end of my childbearing years.

BRENNAN: No need to be angry.

Age is an immutable fact.

I came here to reach a rapprochement.

Okay. Um, uh, Tess, your book is just out this week.

What has the response been? Wonderful.

I've had overwhelming support from the blogging community, book clubs, other authors.

Not Dr. Brennan, of course.

And for that, I would like to apologize.

I feel that I was misinterpreted and my statement was misconstrued as callous and tactless.

Really? Uh, well, this is a surprise.

I assume you accept her apology.

Uh, well, what did you mean then?

I think the apology is enough.

BRENNAN: I meant that it is extremely difficult to write a cogent novel that mixes fact with fiction in a way that captures a reader's attention.

And are you implying that I don't?

Because I have three best-selling books that say otherwise.

And I have six. But that's not the point.

Hemingway said that we are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.

Excellent. Excellent. Um, uh, Tess, um, how did you come up with the plot of your newest book?

The idea came to me last summer, when I was in Wales.

Oh.

"Oh"?

I thought it came to you while reading The Murder of Roger Ackroyd, by Agatha Christie.

It's one of my favorites, too.

My readers love the book.

Roger Ackroyd or yours?

Uh, one more question, Ms. Brown...

TESS: I'm reminded of a quote by Ray Bradbury, who said, "I don't need an alarm clock.

My ideas wake me."

I assume you're a sound sleeper, Dr. Brennan.

Now I believe you owe me an apology, Ms. Brown.

(chuckles)

I'd rather read your drivel than apologize.

I'm pretty sure that was tactless.

Wouldn't you agree, Mr. Wise?

BRAY: I was able to separate the bone injuries into two categories: blunt and sharp force trauma.

The blunt force trauma occurred postmortem, most likely due to the fall down the hill.

Or the body hitting the rocks as it washed downstream.

Definitely, but based on the blood staining, these sharp force injuries to the posterior carpals, metacarpals, proximal phalanges, radius and ulna are perimortem.

Most likely defensive wounds.

Nolan fought with his killer. And the cuts show that the assailant was wielding a weapon of some sort.

Nolan didn't stand a chance.

HODGINS: It was testosterone that caused the bone thickening. That was ruled out.

It would've decreased sperm production.

Artificial testosterone, yes, but this was naturally produced by Nolan.

No one produces as much as he did.

Well, they do if they're taking HCG.

SAROYAN: Of course. The fertility drug.

It would cause the body to naturally increase testosterone production.

Yeah, as well as his sperm count.

And cause your slugs to go out with a bang.

So to speak.

But if he'd been fired from the sperm bank, why keep taking HCG?

There are other banks, other ways to sell his seed.

Yeah, but look at the formulation.

I mean, this HCG was far from pure.

He must have been buying it on the street.

It's sold at a lot of gyms, to bodybuilders, to redistribute body fat and increase testosterone.

We know he was in a fight.

Maybe it wasn't the prospective parents who wanted him dead.

Maybe it was his drug dealer.

I was Sean's trainer at the gym, that's all.

You got three arrests on you, Creach, okay?

One for selling illegal steroids, the other one for human growth hormones and one for selling amphetamines.

I'm clean now.

That's why the court sentenced me to treatment, because they knew I was a good guy who had a problem.

You've a bigger problem now, because Sean Nolan is dead.

I'm gonna miss him.

He was really getting into good shape.

Right, and you did what you always do, and that's sell him drugs.

This time it was HCG.

I don't know even know what that is.

And I'm pretty sure you didn't find any drugs at my place, when you searched it.

He did owe you money, though, right?

Yeah, as a trainer.

It ain't cheap to look like me.

Look, um, I'm sorry about Sean and all, but, um, I got a client at 2:00, and you got nothing on me or I'd be in a cell.

Excuse me. We're not done now.

Oh, wow. You want to take this on?

Seriously?

(Creach groaning) Oh! Okay, here's the biggest problem with guys that are pumped up on 'roids, huh.

They look bigger, but they're a lot dumber.

Stop! Stop!

You twisted up Sean's arm so bad three months ago, that you broke it.

We have witnesses. We were roughhousing. Aah!

Look, you don't want to get locked up for assaulting a federal agent, you tell me about what happened between you and Sean.

We-We got into it a little bit, that's all.

He said the HCG wasn't good, that's why he didn't have the money.

Some guy was refusing to pay him for his sperm because his wife wasn't getting pregnant.

Sean blamed me.

(groans) What guy?

I don't know. I swear. I swear.

BRAY: I initially thought that the injuries to the pelvis and femur were caused by the fall down the hill, but look at these cuts on the cortical surfaces.

The deepest gash is on the right proximal femur.

SAROYAN: A cut deep enough to score the bone would have severed the femoral artery.

Meaning our victim would have bled out.

He'd lose consciousness in 30 seconds.

Any idea what weapon was used?

Not yet. If it was a knife, it would have been very dull.

Any other evidence of stabbing or slashing?

Just the defensive wounds and these three cuts on the pelvis, two on the femur.

So whoever killed Sean Nolan knew to target this area to kill him quickly and efficiently.

Meaning someone with more than a working knowledge of anatomy.

Good work, Mr. Bray. You found cause of death.

Now all we need is a weapon.

(Bray sighs heavily)

I assume you're a sound sleeper, Dr. Brennan.

Now I believe you owe me an apology, Ms. Brown.

(Brown chuckles)

I'd rather read your drivel than apologize.

BRENNAN (on video): I'm pretty sure that was tactless.

I saw you on TV.

Okay, before you start lecturing me on my behavior, she provoked me.

I agree.

You do?

Absolutely.

If you review the tape, it's clear.

She was baiting you.

I never should have gone.

But she asked me, and I thought it would be a good opportunity to apologize.

Exactly. She also asked you for a quote about her book, right?

Now, why would Tess Brown think you'd give her a favorable review?

I'm brilliant, perceptive, and I have outsold her consistently.

No. She wanted to start the feud with you.

Sweets, if this is some more psychological claptrap, I don't... It's logic.

She knows you don't think she's a good novelist.

She also knows that you're incapable of sugarcoating the truth.

Is that just another way of saying that I'm tactless?

We can get into all that later.

Logic dictates that she wanted you to insult her and also that she didn't really want an apology.

This is deliberate and calculated behavior.

She has an endgame.

She's using you to get there.

The wound tracks are thick and irregular.

A deep wide V to the left fifth metacarpal, right phalanges and metacarpals, left ilium and right femur.

So, we're looking for a weapon that's sharp, but not too sharp, a knife, but not a knife, or an ax, but not an ax.

Ah, that should take us about 50 or 60 years.

There's more.

Sure. Why make it easy? The injuries to the left pisiform, left hamate and the anterior superior of the iliac spine have a narrow, shallow, slicing V which is consistent with the blade of a knife.

So, two killers? Looks that way.

All right, well, grab a weapon, let's get going.

Ready? Yeah.

Oh! Aah! Aah! Aah! What? Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just... it's just the bot fly.

Oh, my God! It's peeking out!

Is it... is it time? Should I boil some water, or...?

No, no, no, no, no. I still got some time.

Hey, let's solve this murder so that we can celebrate when the little guy arrives.

What...?

No local sperm bank has a donor matching Sean Nolan's description or DNA profile.

Why would he still be taking the HCG if he wasn't still donating?

Well, he was, but he decided to go into business for himself.

What, like a roadside sperm stand?

Almost.

BRENNAN: Nolan was selling his sperm online? Yup.

Same lies about being in MENSA, going to Yale.

But lucky for us, he kept meticulous records.

His TopCloud account tracks sperm count, delivery location-- the rest stop above the stream being one-- even his offspring.

And then, there's these.

Apparently, one of his customers was not too thrilled with his product.

The guy's wife didn't get pregnant, and he blamed Nolan.

That could be the angry customer his trainer was talking about.

And then, he threatened to kill Nolan for selling him bad sperm.

(sighs)

SWEETS: So, I understand the emotional toll it can take when a couple is unable to conceive, Mr. Robertson.

I didn't come to the FBI for-for therapy, so is there a real reason you called me in here?

It's sort of linked.

Now you contacted a sperm donor named Sean Nolan, right?

Is that illegal?

No. But murder is.

He was found dumped in a stream off Route 34.

And... you-you think that...?

Sean seemed to be your last hope. At least, that's what you said in your e-mails.

Wait. N...

Dina and I have been trying to have a kid for a long time, and be... between artificial insemination, in vitro and fertility treatments... we spent all of our money, and the last of it went... went to Nolan.

No. I understand.

Anger is a byproduct of unrealized expectations.

Now, this leads to processing biases and emotion regulation deficits. What the hell are you saying?

That Sean Nolan promised you and your wife a life, and he didn't deliver.

A life for a life doesn't seem too unreasonable.

At least, that's what you said in your e-mail.

Yeah, people say, "I'll kill you" all the time.

Yeah, but in this case, someone actually turned up dead.

Yeah, well, if I was gonna kill someone, it would've been the lady from the sperm bank that recommended him, because he wasn't a Yale graduate.

He was dumb as a stump.

What sperm bank? Khamu.

Judith Lanfranco? Yeah.

She said she was doing us a favor.

Hey, check this out.

Think I found the murder weapon.

It's a three-edged hoe. Three blades.

That's why we thought there was more than one assailant.

The deep cuts came from the front edge of the hoe, and the slices were caused by the glancing blows from the sides of the blade.

And this type of hoe is used by the Highway Department.

There used to be one in the rest stop where Nolan was found.

It's missing. It has been since the murder.

A weapon of convenience.

So, the murder wasn't premeditated.

No. Whoever did this got angry, grabbed the first thing they could find and attacked.

Nice work. You should be host to bugs all the time.

They really, uh, motivate you. (scoffs)

Oh, look. He's peeking out again.

Hey, little guy.

Oh, man... this is becoming normal to me.

(laughs)

So, it turns out, selling your seed online is more common than I thought.

Well, there are so many people desperate to have children.

Perhaps I should think about being a surrogate.

What? Whoa! Okay, s-slow down.

Let's just solve the case first, before you start having, you know, kids for strangers.

No, you're right.

I'm already busy as it is.

And since they moved up the release of my book...

Oh-oh, hey, when did that happen?

I just got a call from my editor.

Apparently, there was so much publicity from the misunderstanding with Tess Brown that they thought this would be a good time to release my book.

Thank you. See that?

There is a silver lining, Bones, huh?

Why would the head of the sperm clinic recommend Nolan when she knows that he's a fraud?

You know, I thought she was getting some kind of a kickback, so I had forensic accounting check out Judith Lanfranco's financials, and the result is not what I expected.

He wasn't paying her, she was paying him.

Perhaps he was blackmailing her.

And she got tired of paying, and she decided to stop it for good.

Now that we have the weapon and all the perimortem injuries, I can input all the information and get us an attack scenario.

There was a lot of damage to the hands and arms, so it's very clear that Nolan was trying to fight off his attacker.

Yeah, but what's strange is that all the injuries are isolated to the hands, forearms and pelvic area.

Yeah, you'd think you would aim at the head if you were trying to kill someone, huh?

Yeah, unless we're missing something.

Angie...

Yeah? Listen, I didn't want to upset you, you know, with the bot fly, but...

You don't have to say anything, honey.

I understand.

Really? No. No, I do not.

But... I accept it.

We're all a little crazy, and your crazy just happens to come out in a bizarre and revolting way.

I actually think it's kind of sweet that you want to give life to that... thing.

Wow.

I am the luckiest man in the world.

Mm. You're not kidding.

(laughs)

Oh, God! Oh, it came out.

Well, yeah, yeah. No, just for some air. I mean, it's still got some time left.

Okay. God. Shh.

Did I just erase what I input?

Okay, honey, I love you, but I really just want to love you from afar right now.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. I love you, too.

From afar. From afar. Yeah, I'm gonna...

From afar. (Montenegro sighs)

So, did Sean threaten to expose you?

He could have ruined your business if he had made his fraud public.

Sean would never do that.

Then why were you paying him?

I was just loaning him money.

Modeling was slow, and he didn't make all that much as an online donor.

You're extremely generous for someone he lied to.

He made a mistake. Haven't you ever made a mistake?

Not one that would get me killed.

I know what happened, Booth.

She's pregnant. What?

Yes. You see the redness of her triangular fossa, the swelling in her wrists and hands, the size of her breasts?

That's why you protected him.

You were referring clients to him.

You used Sean Nolan as a donor.

We made love.

Sean I were in love.

I couldn't say anything, or I'd lose my job.

Did you know he had a girlfriend?

Yes, but he loved me.

He was going to tell her.

And you believed him, even after he lied about being a genius?

He had no more secrets.

Not from me.

And he was finally going to have a child of his own.

(voice breaking): We were going to raise him together.

I've highlighted the perimortem injuries in red.

Now, we thought that the injuries to the hands and the forearms were caused when he fought with the attacker, but... watch this.

See? Two of the cuts line up.

Uh-oh. Ooh. Ouch.

Yeah. The victim wasn't fighting with his killer.

Looks like he was protecting himself. HODGINS: Whoever did this was going after Nolan's livelihood.

I made a little simulation to show what might have happened during the attack.

Not sure I can watch this.

SAROYAN: The killer slices the femoral artery and Nolan bleeds out.

Well, it's definitely not the husband or the trainer.

How can you be so sure?

'Cause no guy did this.

That's assumptive and sexist.

I agree, but... it's also probably true.

I mean, think about it: there's nothing worse than a woman scorned who has access to a three-sided hoe.

You brought Nolan's girlfriend back in for questioning?

Seems like the right move, okay?

Evidence says that this is a crime of passion, most likely committed by a woman.

So you think the girlfriend found out about Nolan's affair with the sperm bank manager.

Flipped her lid and hacked him up, okay?

If I was still gambling... (chuckles) tell you what, I'd put all my money on her. BOOTH: You said your relationship with Sean was based on mutual trust?

Yes. Why?

So you do realize he was selling sperm on the Internet?

Of course I do.

I took the picture he used for his ad.

You were okay with that? Why wouldn't I be? It's... how he supplemented his income.

Would you be okay if you found out Sean had an affair?

I know where this is going.

Really? Mm-hmm. That sperm bank woman, right?

Yeah.

When we find out a sacred trust has been broken, it can be devastating. Sometimes it makes us do things that we wouldn't normally do.

I knew all about it.

We talked. We cried.

We got past it.

Did he tell you that they were having a baby, that they were gonna raise a child together?

(laughing)

I'm-I'm missing what's funny here. I'm sorry.

That's not funny.

She's exhibiting confusion disorder-- a mix of rage with absurdity causes...

Um, no, no... It's actually funny.

Anybody who knew Sean knew that he never wanted kids.

He had pictures of all the kids he fathered.

They were like trophies. I mean, they made him feel like a man.

But he would die before he'd wipe a little kid's ass.

There is no way he would stick with her if she got pregnant.

(laughing)

BRAY: We've catalogued every injury, both peri- and postmortem.

BRENNAN: Booth and Sweets are convinced the last viable suspect is the manager of the sperm bank.

It's our job to help them.

Or go blind in the process.

Even blind, you can still feel the bones.

(chuckles) There appears to be discoloration in the left infraorbital margin.

Staining from the slug slime?

I'm sorry. I thought I'd gotten everything off.

No. This is embedded in the bone.

(Hodgings grunting, gasping) Wendell's busy with Brennan, but, uh, I can stay. No. No, Angie.

This is my thing. Yeah.

My love for you is stronger than my gag reflex.

Really? Okay. Thank you. Thank you.

All right, now... is it moving?

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Oh, God. I really wish I could just hang out in the waiting room smoking cigars with the other dads. All right, now, look, I have a petri dish that's got soil in it, okay?

I need you to grab that, and now I need you to massage the knot.

Oh, boy, you so owe me.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho... okay.

Oh, it's happening! (moaning)

(groaning)

Oh, my God. How did you see that?

That's what I asked. Exceptional eyesight.

Whatever this is, it's very small.

MONTENEGRO: It's coming!

Here it comes! (Hodgins screaming)

There's got to be something in the rule book about playing host to an insect.

MONTENEGRO: It's out! (Hodgins moans)

What is that?

BRENNAN: A fingernail-- whoever attacked the victim scratched at his eyes and left part of their nail.

SAROYAN: We can get DNA. BRENNAN: We found a fingernail embedded in Sean Nolan's orbital socket.

So? BOOTH: So we're pretty sure that it's yours. While you were fighting, you scratched at his eyes.

A sliver of your fingernail broke off. That places you at the scene when Sean was killed. That's ridiculous.

Why would I kill him? We're having a baby together.

But, you know, you actually weren't. You were having it alone, Judith, because he didn't want to have any kids.

BRENNAN: We have a court order to get a DNA sample from you.

It will be easy to match the fingernail to you.

BOOTH: He used you.

You lost it.

If you confess, the prosecutor's office will be a lot more understanding.

He laughed.

When I told him I was pregnant... he laughed.

I just couldn't understand.

How could he father all of those children and then laugh in my face when I was carrying his?

♪ The sun come up

♪ It was blue and gold

♪ The sun come up

♪ It was blue and gold

♪ The sun come up

♪ It was blue and gold

♪ Ever since I put your picture ♪ ♪ In a frame...

The Journal of Entomology called.

They want to do a story on me.

They're coming tomorrow. That's great, man.

And I actually... I analyzed the tissue on my neck where the bot fly was incubating.

I think this might actually help research with insect-borne illness.

You okay, Angie?

MONTENEGRO: Yeah. Sorry, I'm...

I'm just really glad that I'm with a guy who's... crazy enough to do something like this.

Think we can call him Jack?

Well, the journal actually asked me what his name was, and since we were all in on it, I named him Jefferson. (chuckles) Aw.

I think he looks like you.

BRENNAN: Well, I appreciate you coming. Sure.

But why did we have to meet in such a dump?

I mean, we've both been on the best seller list.

I actually like it here. (sighs)

You're really an odd one, Tempe.

So... what's on the menu that won't kill me?

The apple cobbler is wonderful.

They use organic apples and they season it...

Okay, okay. Cobbler.

Can I get you both something?

Um, I'll have your famous cobbler, I guess, and coffee.

Me, too. But tea.

Wait... are you...?

(chuckles) Yes, I am.

(laughs) I love your books so much.

I'm in a book club-- we all love 'em.

Thank you.

I'll be right back with your cobbler.

That's Tess Brown. She wrote all those mysteries.

Take my order.

I've got to show my book club.

BRENNAN: I know what you've been doing, Tess.

You haven't written a best seller in four years.

You've been goading me so that we'd have a public feud to fuel the sales of your book.

You're welcome.

Excuse me?

It's good for both of us.

You're getting an early release and my sales are up.

God bless America.

It's deceitful, dishonest and distasteful.

Listen, I'm not like you, Tempe.

You're smart, you're a good writer, you've got that whole... crime-fighting thing.

I'm a hack. And that's putting a good spin on it.

Lucky for me, the people who buy my books are idiots.

BRENNAN: The people who buy your books only want to be entertained.

They'd be entertained by a ball of string.

I want no part of this.

What are you doing...?

What are you doing?

No, you can't film me. Give me that. No...

You think I'm an idiot and all my friends are idiots?

BOOTH: She called them idiots?

Oh, that's bad. It already has over half a million hits.

My editor said that Tess's publisher is dropping her. You didn't set this up?

No. Whew! Talk about instant karma.

Your book sales are gonna go through the roof.

I think the case we just solved might make a good subject for my next book.

No, no. You don't want to relive that. No, that's bad.

How about this? How about we steal the space shuttle and solve a crime in space?

The shuttle has been taken out of service.

It's fiction, okay? Just work with me, all right?

We can fight aliens. Like that thing that came out of Hodgins' neck and grew huge.

My books are fact-based, Booth.

Kathy Reichs' sidekick needs to be more important.

Agent Andy is very important to my plots.

Yeah, and him fighting aliens... (chuckles) would make your book sales huge.

Are you saying that you could battle a space alien?

Yeah, given the right circumstances.

Uh, but I would need a laser. This is ridiculous.

Okay. This is not ridiculous, all right?

When that alien attacks you, you'll be happy I had a laser.

BRENNAN: Okay, I'm not listening.

What's that mean?