Simpson Christmas Stories

(SINGING) The Simpsons

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

D'oh!

(EXCLAIMING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Where's Reverend Lovejoy?

He's never been late for Christmas service.

Maybe he's cheating on us with the Episcopalians.

Look at 'em with their bright, airy narthex and light, flaky Eucharist.

I wouldn't mind dipping my hand in their font.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Christ is born. Who's on my horn?

Bad news, Ned.

There's been a horrible train wreck.

So many little plastic Christmases ruined.

(GASPS) You want me to deliver the Christmas sermon?

Oh, I feel like I'm born-again again!

(GRUNTS)

Don't be nervous, Ned.

You've practiced this so many times in the shower.

(GROANS)

Paper cut!

(SWOONING)

Now there's no one to deliver the sermon.

Did anyone order a hero?

(HUMMING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay, Christmas, Christmas...

You know how your paperboy always sends you a Christmas card with his home address on it?

What's up with that?

(Boy) I wanted you to tip me!

No tip till they bring back Hagar the Horrible!

(Boy) That's not my decision!

Oh, it's never anybody's decision.

Anyhoo, I'd like to tell you all a little story.

I call "The First Christmas."

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I for one am dying to hear it!

A carpenter named Joseph was about to get some frankly preposterous news.

Uh, Joseph, you know I have never lain with a man.

(SCOFFS) Tell me about it.

And yet, lam with child.

A pregnant virgin?

That's every man's worst nightmare!

Hail Mary, full of grace.

That's not all she's full of.

Quiet, you.

Mary, you carry in your womb the Son of God who will grow up to become King of the Jews!

So, not a doctor.

Well, he will be able to heal the sick.

But nothing to hang on the wall?

(GROANS)

(DRUMS PLAYING)

King Herod, we three wise men come bearing gifts for the King of the Jews.

We bring gold.

Frankincense.

And myrrh, which I am re-gifting, 'cause who needs myrrh?

Here's the tag.

Thank you.

Which one should I open first?

Both: Hmm...

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

This is awkward.

(SNIFFLES)

Uh, the King of the Jews we seek is a newborn child.

Find this pretender to my throne and bring him to me!

Uh, now you wouldn't hurt the little boychik?

Of course not.

Kings don't hurt babies.

Giant pointy swords hurt babies!

Oh, Hoyven good King Herod, except you don't really have the "good," so what do you have really then?

Don't you worry. I got plenty of rooms in my inn, all with brand new carpeting.

I think my water just broke!

You can have the barn.

Ah, now feel free to come by the main house for breakfast, there won't be any.

(MARGE BREATHING HEAVILY)

(MOOING)

Just keep pushing, sweetie.

The doctor will be here any second.

Shalom, everybody!

(MOOING AND BLEATING)

I've got some very good news.

Caesar just invented the caesarian!

Get him outta here!

I knew I'd like him, but I never dreamed I'd adore him.

I've got the Messiah's nose! I've got the Messiah's nose!

Give it back! Give it back! He'll kill us all!

(CHUCKLES) He looks just like his dad.

Not you!

Oh, I'm not the father. I'm not a wise man. I'm nothing!

This is the worst Christmas ever!

Hmm? Maybe a little toot off the old wineskin will cheer me up.

Uh!

My wine turned into water!

Who could've performed such a cruel miracle?

(CHUCKLES)

Why you little...

(THUNDER CRASHING)

Joseph, no!

He has to stay alive till he's 33, when he'll be renounced by his friends and crucified!

Huh? Sorry, kid.

(WAILING)

(SIGHS) Anytime anyone suffers in the world, he starts crying again.

Can you do something?

Me? But I'm watching the orange bowl.

Now!

(WAILING)

Oh!

(LAUGHING)

(BLEATING) D'oh!

(LAUGHING)

Hmm, you like physical comedy, eh?

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Ah, wise man. eh? Pick two.

(GROANING)

(CHUCKLES)

Why I ought to...

Mmm, mmm, mmm...

Now hold still.

Gnah, gnah, gnah.

(CHUCKLES)

(YAWNS)

(COOING)

Ohh...

I think this non-traditional household just might make it.

Mmm...

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, we got a great family.

Now let's get some sleep.

Herod is coming for the child!

Manger danger! Manger danger!

(ALL GRUNTING)

The kid you're looking for is in there!

The other tenants have been complaining about the incessant swaddling, all hours, day and night.

Gee, Chief, I feel pretty bad trying to take out a baby.

Ah, don't worry, boys.

No one will ever speak or write of this again.

What a boffo beginning for my book!

(ALL GRUNTING)

There they go! I see his head-dealie!

Follow that glow!

(ALL SHOUTING)

(QUACKS)

They put his halo on a duck.

The oldest trick in the book.

What the hell are you doing?

Well, he does have a halo.

Hail, Quackie!

(QUACKS)

(TREMBLING)

That ought to spruce things up.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(QUACKING)

(BOTH GASP)

What a beautiful Hanukkah bush!

I say we call it a Christmas tree.

(All) Aww!

A Christmas tree, what a great name.

Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.

(GROANING)

And did you know that little baby Jesus grew up to be Jesus?

(ALL GASP)

I know! It's weird, isn't it?

(CAROL PLAYING ON TV)

Announcer: Coming up next, The Energizer Bunny Christmas Special.

Oh, I don't know why I'm so run down.

I must be low on Christmas spirit.

It's because you're using regular batteries.

You forgot about Energizer Ultra.

Now let me crawl inside you.[/i]

(GASPS) Cold! So cold!

(CLATTER)

(GASPS) It's Santa!

(GRUNTS) Ooh!

Grampa?

What are you doing in the chimney?

Trying to kill Santa. What's it to ya?

What do you have against Santa?

He screwed me over back in WWII.

I was a Navy pilot in the Pacific.

Oh, Bart, Why'd you ask him a follow-up question?

(WHISPERS) It just slipped out!

Yup. I was a Navy pilot in the Pacific along with my big brother, Cyrus.

Cyrus? You never mentioned him before.

And I'll never mention him again.

But I loved him all the same.

Okay, Abe, let's win this war quick so we can go home and slowly give black folks more rights.

(SIREN BLARING)

Kamikazes at two o'clock!

Well, I don't usually drink after lunch but...

Oh, my God!

The sky is full of that kind of plane that crashes into the boat!

Cyrus, you be careful up there.

No, I'm not worried. Not as long as I have my good luck charm.

(AMERICAN PATROL[/i] PLAYING)

Good thing I stole two of these off dead soldiers.

Lieutenant, radio my brother and tell him to watch his tail.

Quiet, you. I'm talking to my best gal.

I miss you, too, Bernadette.

You hang up first. No, you hang up first.

No, you hang up first.

(LAUGHING) No. You hang up first.

(GROANS)

Cyrus!

(WHIRRING)

You'll pay for that, you haiku-spouting savages!

(ABE GRUNTING)

I wish I tried reefer!

Mmm.

(GRUNTS)

(STRAINED GRUNTING)

Mmm.

Quit lollygagging and build a fire.

I don't have to listen to you.

On this island, military rank means nothing.

We're in a state of nature where the strong of will control the weak.

(GURGLING)

(SPITS)

How dare you drown the king of New Burns Island?

(GURGLING)

(SPITS)

How'd you like to be the Archduke in charge of coconuts?

(GURGLING)

I give up. I give up.

(Abe) Days turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months.

Months turned back to days.

Even Burns was starting to look good to me.

Hey, sailor. My eyes are up here.

(Abe) By Christmas Eve, our hopes of rescue were fading.

You know, Simpson, we've had our dust-ups.

So I've made you a little peace offering.

(Abe) A shaving kit?

Is this pomade?

Oh, it's nothing really. Just seagull brains and snail goo.

Thanks, Lieutenant. Merry Christmas.

Incoming! Is it one of ours?

Who cares? It's Christmas. I want to shoot something.

(EXPLOSION)

What in the name of the Tennessee Valley Authority?

Donder! Blitzen!

He's German! That's good eatin'!

You useless waste of socks! That ain't no Kraut!

We just shot down Santie Claus!

Oh! Thank you, boys.

I guess I must've run into a sudden storm.

Yes, yes. Everything happens to you.

My sleigh! It's ruined!

Well, we'll get you up and running or my name ain't Young Grampa Simpson!

(PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING)

Boys, I'm almost ready.

I'm just missing Prancer. And Rudolph.

(HISSING)

And now to bring joy to boys and girls around the world!

Ho-ho...

(GROANS) Ow!

Damn it!

Sorry, Chuckles. Change of plan.

This sleigh is my ticket off this hellhole.

And I'm keeping all the toys for myself, because at heart, I'm just a very wicked child. (BELLS JINGLING)

(URGES REINDEER)

You backstabber! And I let you spoon me!

Let's go, you flying hat rack!

(GRUNTS)

Hmm?

(WHIRRING)

Come on, baby.

(STRAINED GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(SQUEAKING)

Somebody should've beat you with a tricycle years ago!

(GRUNTS)

Thanks for everything, Abe.

And now I'm off.

I'll be back in a few days to take you ho-ho-home!

Well, that's the craziest thing I'll ever see.

Gah! Except for that!

I waited and waited. But Santa never came back.

If I hadn't invented a jet ski made of coconuts, I'd have never gotten home.

And then when I did, the war was over and the nurses were all kissed out.

That's quite a tale, Grampa.

(STAMMERING) You little...

It's true, I tells ya!

(BELLS JINGLING)

(THUD) It's Santa!

I got an old score to settle!

Doggone it! I missed him again!

(AMERICAN PATROL PLAYING)

My brother's lucky watch!

Santa must've left it!

Cyrus, I miss you every day.

(Santa Claus) He misses you, too.

(STUTTERING)

He... What... Who?

Your brother didn't die in the war, Abe.

He crashed into Tahiti. And he liked it so much, he never left.

And now, if you like, I'll take you to him.

Will we be back for the Tournament of Roses Parade?

Probably not.

Good. I hate that crap.

(Santa Claus) Yeah. Me, too.

Santa, one thing's still buggin' me.

Why didn't you ever come back to pick me up?

I kept putting it off. And then I was just too embarrassed.

Sorry I never called, Abe.

I was too busy with my 15 native wives.

(WIVES GIGGLING)

Fifteen! Whoo! That sounds like a lot of s*x.

I said wives, not girlfriends.

(WIVES GIGGLING)

(Wives) No poko-miku for Cyrus!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God! It's over. We're free!

It's not over! It's just intermission!

I said we're free!

We're still doing Act Two! I'll be in the audience.

Boo! This is terrible!

Ugh, I hope I never hear that God-awful Nutcracker music again.

I don't know, Dad. This time of year, everybody does it because you don't have to pay for the music rights.

Really?

I've still gotta bake my Christmas pie.

We gotta get Dad a lousy tie.

Christmas crowds is what I hate.

No time left to procrastinate.

So move your ass And let me pass.

Because Christmas Eve is here!

Both: Ow!

Eh, why is this Santa suit so snug?

Grr. Why should I care? it's all humbug.

We jacked my prices up so high.

But there's no junk these saps won't buy.

Last year's eggnog, a green hot dog.

Because Christmas Eve is here.

These holiday cookies swell my fat

(BABBLING)

Cat.

Even though we're not Gentile.

We'll get together for a while.

To shoot the breeze And eat Chinese.

Because Christmas Eve is here! Oye!

Christmas is a family day.

I told Grampa we'd be away.

He's at the door Let's hit the floor

(WHISPERING) Because Christmas Eve is here

Fine! I'll spend Christmas Eve with the raccoons.

(GRUNTING)

(CHITTERING)

You got me a gift?

Rancid lard? Aw, you shouldn't have.

Every year at this time, I show what's probably my most-requested clip!

Roll it, Freddy.

(SINGING) It's the most wonderful time of the year

(GROANING)

Ow! Ow! Oh...

“Give the audience snowballs,“ they said.

"It'll be cute," they said. Oh...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

Okay. Time for my annual holiday tradition, attempting to kill myself.

(SOBBING)

(GRUNTS)

Man: Hey, watch it!

(HORN HONKS)

(SIGHS)

What's it say?

Hey, Barn, as a special gift to me this year, will you kill me?

But I already got you a wool hat!

Maybe next year, huh?

Merry Christmas, Homie.

I think you're really gonna like this.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, that's great.

Now, I'll just get my present for you.

Which is right outside the door.

Oh, my God! I forgot to get Marge a present!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SINGING) I need a present for my wife or I'll have no s*x for life.

Diamond ring, a vase by Ming some kind of useful kitchen thing.

I need a store I can break into or a place run by a Hindu

(BELL DINGS)

The Christmas rush has cleaned me out.

I just have jerky made of trout

Uh!

I knew you'd forget.

So, my gift to you is a gift for you to give me.

Oh, it's just what I wanted!

Here, Marge. This is for you.

Aw...

(MOANING)

(HORN HONKING)

Moe: Oh! Eighteen wheels and they all missed me!