Pirates of the Neverland: At Wit's End / Batman Family Feud

(Scene begins in space. Littered with Spacenook Aliens and an Alfred E. Neuman moon.)

Pirate: Captain, considering the ship's currently, uh, floating in space, there's concern we may be lost.

Jack Sparrow: Lost? Of course not. Our bearings: Second star to the left, straight on 'til morning?

Pirate: Captain, we're approaching some sort of land beyond imagination!

(They arrive at Neverland.)

Captain Hook: Jack Sparrow? Is that really you? It's been forever!

Jack Sparrow: My old friend, "Captain 2-Hands".

Captain Hook: Wow, we do need to catch up!

(Title card: Pirates of the Neverland: At Wit's End)

Jack Sparrow: Wait, you spent all this time fighting a kid in green tights?

Captain Hook: But there's a crocodile, too! He makes the most horrible sound whenever he's here: "Tik Tok".

Jack Sparrow: Like a clock?

Captain Hook: No, that annoying Ke$ha song!

Tick-Tock Crocodile: (To the tune of "Tik Tok")

(Scene goes to the ship. Again.)

Jack Sparrow: Point is, mate: Pirates are heroes now, you're allowed to win.

(Scene goes to Peter Pan and the Lost Boys at a flag saying "Captain Smellyface")

Peter Pan: Hey, Hook! Look at your flag! That's you! You look like that!

Captian Hook: Will you help me?

Jack Sparrow: I'll do better than that. I'll give you a makeover!

(Title card: Extreme Renovation: Pirate Edition)

Jack Sparrow: Hmmm, more swaying, less frills, move your facial hair, some dreadlocks, bring out your eyes, and finally, dirt.

(Hook coughs)

Jack Sparrow: What do you think?

(Cut to Randy Jackson, Ellen DeGeneres, and Tyra Banks at the judges table labeled "Project Pirate".)

Tyra Banks: Captain Hook, you are the world's next top pirate!

Captain Hook: Yes! Woo Hoo!

(Sparrow and Hook high five, Hook stabs Sparrow's hand with his hook hand.)

Both: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(Scene cuts to Hurley stranded on a tropical island wearing an "I'M LOST" tee.)

(Then, Hook fights the Lost Boys)

Captain Hook: I feel great, like I could take on the whole world!

Peter Pan: Woohoo! Nice guyliner, Hook. Got a hot date?

Captain Hook: Oh, I'LL GET YOU, PETER--

Jack Sparrow: Ahem!

Peter Pan: Please! Pirates may be cool now, but staying a kid will always be cooler! Right, Eddie?

(Cuts to Edward Cullen on the mast)

Edward Cullen: I'm moody.

Peter Pan: Little girls eat that up.

Jack Sparrow: (Still fighting the Lost Boys) Hey, Hook, know what I'm gonna do later? Drive a car.

Captain Hook: (Still fighting the Lost Boys) Really? I was planning on voting.

Peter Pan: HEY, NOT FAIR!

Jack Sparrow: Of course, we can always just go to an R-rated movie.

Peter Pan: STOP IT!! (Flies down, but gets caught in the shipmast)

(Later, Peter Pan and the Lost Boys have been captured!)

Jack Sparrow: Now, finally, the treasure of Neverland will be ours!

Captain Hook: Uh, Peter Pan doesn't actually have any treasure.

Jack Sparrow: You've been chasing this brat for years and he's BROKE??

Captain Hook: Yes, but he cut off my hand!

Jack Sparrow: Big deal. Tell that to ROY.

(Cuts to Roy, with a peg-body)

Roy: I think I got a splinter in my neck.

Captian Hook: Look at it this way: At least we have each other, Ja-- Jack?

Jack Sparrow: (Back on his ship) Sorry, captain, but there are OTHER pirates out there who need my help. Ain't that right, Cap'n Munch?

(Cuts to Cap'n Munch, with a bowl of SQUID!)

Cap'n Munch: I don't think a squid is part of a complete breakfast!

Jack Sparrow: But it stays soggy in milk.

(Cap'n Munch leans over and barfs, ending the segment)

(Scene begins at the Batcave.)

Alfred: Sir, Commissioner Gordon states that the Riddler is out to kidnap the studio audience on the Family Feud tonight.

Batman: Did he get a riddle?

Alfred: No, I believe it says it on the channel guide. (Turns on the TV, showing "Family Feud: The Riddler Kidnaps the Studio Audience" and a picture of Al Roker) I tried to get you a ticket, but it's been sold out for months.

Batman: Then I guess there's only one way to get in.

(Title card: Batman Family Feud)

Announcer: Introducing the Batman family, ready for action! (A door marked "BATMAN" opens.) And the Berkel family! (A door marked "BERKEL" opens) It's time for the Family Feud!

Al Roker: Alright, here's how the game works: 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name something you find in a bookshelf.

Batman: (Mashes button) Batpoles. (X!) What, that's not right? Give me another.

Al Roker: Uh, that's not how the game works.

Batman: GIVE ME ANOTHER!

Al Roker: Alright, name something you find in a cave.

Batman: (Mashes button again) Computers. (XX!) You gotta be kiding me!

Al Roker: Lola?

Lola Berkel: Rocks. (Rocks show up on the board)

Batman: Rocks? What kind of cave do YOU live in?

Lola Berkel: We'll play.

Al Roker: Okay, Bats, back to your team. (Batman goes back to his team)

Robin: (Whispering in Batman's ear) Batman, I'm gonna sneak off, see if I can't find the Riddler.

Batman: Who?

Batgirl: The Riddler? It's who we're here to capture?

Batman: (While Robin sneaks off) Oh, right, right, right, I forgot. "Rocks", she says.

(Cuts to backstage, with Mrs. Johnson looking like the Joker, and a makeup artist)

Makeup Artist: Alright, Mrs. Johnson, since your family is up next, (Robin pops out) we'll apply some powder so you don't sweat under the lights.

Robin: (Mistaking Mrs. Johnson for the Joker) The Joker!! (Jumps out and punches Mrs. Johnson/"POW!")

Makeup Artist: Why did you punch Mrs. Johnson?

Mrs. Johnson: (Laying on the ground) Whyyyy?

Robin: Zip it, Joker henchman!! (Punches the makeup artist/"WHACK!"/Cuts to Mrs. Johnson and the makeup artist lying on the floor) The Joker? It's the RIDDLER we want. (Cuts back to the game, and Robin comes back) How's it going?

Al Roker: Name something a penguin does.

Batman: (Mashes button) Robs banks. (X!) (Facepalm)

Batgirl: Not good.

Batman: Crummy Berkels are smarter than Braniac! (Walks away) I gotta use the can. (On his way to the can, he hears the Riddler laughing, as he just tied up the audience) What the?? (Breaks in) Hold it, Riddler - you're under arrest!

The Riddler: Tell you what, Batman - you let me go and I'll make you a deal!

Batman: There's nothing that you have that I want?

The Riddler: Not even if I rig the questions so you can beat the Berkels? (Batman is shocked. Back to the game, in the Fast Money round!)

Al Roker: Okay, Batman, name something you wear on your head.

Batman: A cowl. (DING!)

Al Roker: Name something exchanged on a first date.

Batman: A Batarang. (DING!)

Al Roker: Name Batman's secret identity.

Batman: Bruce Wayne!

Al Roker: You did it - you won the Family Feud!

Batman: I did it, I did it, I-- Wait, what did I just do?

(Cuts to a room with Batman on the screen)

The Riddler: Bruce Wayne, huh? Sucker!