A Wrestler Named Goldberg

Moves the ball. Swoops! Whoa!

Adult Adam: My brother Barry. A world-class athlete...

Doesn't count. I wasn't ready.

In his own mind.

He dedicated his life to hockey, hoops, and the art of dance, or whatever this is.

Even though Barry dreamed of greatness, one thing always stood in his way.

No more karate! End of story!

And that thing was my mom.

No karate?! Are you nuts?!

I'm the next Chuck Norris!

She always had a tragic tale to warn us about the dangers of everything.

That's what Esther Carp's son said and he got a big toe right in his eye.

Now he can't see color. Is that what you want?

Ruth Rosner's grandson was doing the worm.

He cracked every vertebrae in his body.

Now he's two inches shorter. Is that what you want?

How much will you be moving when a skate glides over your windpipe?

It happened to Judy Muntz's nephew and now he can only communicate with a Speak & Spell he wears around his neck.

Is that what you want?

Who are these people?

Tragedy befalls all of them, and I have no idea who they are!

My mom's constant smothering led Barry to take out his aggression elsewhere.

Um, it's been like five minutes.

I can live without the zagnut.

Not on my watch.

You wanted nuts all zagged up in hot fudge, cookie dough, honey, and peppermint dust?

None of those things are in that bar.

Barry's gonna get it for you.

Who's Barry? I'm Barry!

How do you not know this by now?!

Wait! Come back! I can do it!

Come on, C4! Let go, you son of a bitch!

Nice moves, Goldfarb. What?

I've been watching you, kid.

I seen you freak out and melt down all over school.

Go on.

You got that unhinged look in your eye.

I like it. I like it a lot.

My mother says my eyes are the brownest brown.

I've seen browner.

But let me ask you something...

Have you ever thought about joining the varsity wrestling team?

Have I?! No.

Well, we got an opening in your weight class...

If you're man enough to handle the pain.

In that moment, Barry realized how to win over Lexy Bloom... a varsity jacket... the holy grail with cheap leather sleeves.

I'm in! Bring the pain.

Look out, Hulk Hogan.

Barry Goldberg's on the loose.

Ow! Ohh, I heard something pop!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪ ♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪ ♪ I don't know the future ♪ ♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was impossible to be a kid in the '80s and not love "Star Wars."

It was the movie that changed everything.

It gave us light sabers, the force, and Billy Dee Williams in a cape.

So you could imagine how pumped I was when George Lucas decided to close out the trilogy forever.

Boom! It is upon us!

"Return of the Jedi"! That's right, they did it again.

And guess what... it opens Friday at the Highway Theater.

Oh, my God! That's amazing!

Go away.

You clearly don't understand what I'm saying.

More "Star Wars."

We get it. "Star Wars" is your life.

But if you still want to have a life, then stop pestering me.

I'm sensing more resistance than I was expecting, so I'll adjust my expectations.

Instead, I'll ask that you pack a sleeping bag, some rations, and spend the night with me on the sidewalk waiting for tickets.

What were your original expectations?

Don't answer that because I don't care, 'cause it's not happening.

Please!

Mom says the only way I can do it is if you come with me.

Mom only said that because she knew I'd say no.

Obviously, but she doesn't know what I know... you love "Star Wars."

[Both grunting]

Bow before Princess Leia!

Never!

Death grip!

[Choking]

Reverse death grip!

[Choking]

I'm dead.

I made copies.

Damn it!

Here's how this is gonna go...

You're either gonna come to the movie with me, or this tape magically ends up playing at your next school assembly.

I hate you.

We're gonna have so much fun.

Hey.

Ask mom.

I got a permission slip for...

Ask mom.

Mom will say no.

Ask mom.

I need you to sign it.

Ask mom.

I'm joining the wrestling team.

What? Really?

So you'll let me wrestle?

Of course.

You know, your old man was quite the grappler back in high school.

I bet that's the reason you're doing it.

Not at all.

Tiny bit?

No.

Maybe a little?

No.

Not even this much?

I'm doing it for the ladies.

You see, first you join the wrestling team, then you get the varsity jacket, then you get the power, then you get the women.

Everything you just said makes so much sense.

Let me teach you some moves.

No need. Already learned them.

How?

A little thing called "Wrestlemania."

This is Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka doing the superfly splash!

Aah! Ohh!

Pile driver! Ohh!

Atomic elbow drop! Aah!

George "The Animal" Steele is biting the turnbuckle.

[Grunts]

Stop! Who does that?!

The claw! The claw!

He's applying the sleeper hold!

Body slam!

Aah!

You do understand it's not that kind of wrestling.

What? That stuff's not real.

What are you saying?

None of it's real.

If you're telling me the Iron Sheik isn't fighting to protect his oil interests in this country, then my world will literally cave in.

Yeah, my dad knew this was gonna take some time to explain.

Meanwhile, I was ready to have the time of my life.

Back then, you couldn't just order your seats online.

You had to wait for days on end.

Us "Star Wars" fans were the first ones to camp out.

We were the trailblazers... the coolest of the cool, and everyone knew it...

Well, except my sister.

I want to walk down this line and punch everyone in the face.

Stop. We're gonna have fun.

And who knows? We might make some lifelong friends.

[Imitating Yoda] Hmm! Hello!

Master Yoda I am.

Sit next to you in line we will.

Much bonding we will do.

How old are you?

46 on the 8th I'll be.

[Chuckles]

Oh, my God. You have a wedding ring on?

Come on, Erica.

I know you're some big high school hotshot now, but admit it... these are still your people.

Okay, the old dude with the puppet is not my people.

And the guy riding the dog... not my people.

That dog is a tauntaun, and you know it!

Can't you just try a little bit... For me?

Fine. A little.

What's up, mama?

You ever tandem on a tauntaun?

Not as dirty as it sounds.

Go away!

Ooh! She's as chilly as the the wampa's lair.

Right? [Laughs] Right? Am I right?

As Erica was finally loosening up, my dad was helping Barry lock down that varsity jacket.

You seriously want me to lie to mom?

Yes!

You really think your mother would willingly let you fight another man with your bare hands?

But I can't lie. I'm a terrible liar.

Everyone knows that.

You just got to keep it quick and simple.

Here, let me think.

What would you be doing after school?

Wait! I got the perfect cover.

We'll tell mom I joined the army.

That's what you're going to tell your mother... you're going into combat?!

Not combat!

I could be one of those dudes who flies a helicopter and drops in bags of rice.

So now you're flying a helicopter.

Think I can't?

No!

I'm tired of you not believing in me!

I'm a good driver!

Flying is just like driving, but in 3D.

I don't even know what that means.

Okay, I-I think we got a little off the rails here.

L-let's just move on.

No! I'm not moving on until he says he believes in me.

Fine. I believe you can drop rice from an imaginary helicopter.

Here's an idea. How about the school play?

Tell her you got a bit part like, uh, a palm tree or, uh, a villager who goes like this in the background.

I can do that.

You know what, Al?

Th could actually work.

Hi, handsome men.

How's it going?

I joined the wrestling team.

What?! Yeah, no. Never.

Evelyn Sanderson's son joined a wrestling team.

He put one foot...

No. No need to tell us that very tragic tale.

Save it for another time. Barry was just kidding.

Tell her what you're really doing.

I'm in a play?

Are you kidding me?

Snuggle monster, I'm so happy!

What part in "Annie" did you get?

What's "Annie"?

The musical.

There's fliers all around school.

Who are you playing?

Um...

I'm this guy!

What is that? What are you doing?

What guy is that?

I'm the guy.

You're Daddy Warbucks?

Sure.

You're Daddy [Bleep] Warbucks?!

Well, I think he's still a moron and it's a stupid idea and I am not going to get behind it!

He's doing the play, and that's the end of it.

You convinced me. I now stand behind my son.

This is so exciting!

Ohh, I've always wanted to be a stage mom!

I'm gonna build sets and rig lights and sew costumes, and I'll even be an understudy if need be.

No.

If you dare peek into one rehearsal, I will quit the play.

You wouldn't.

I would.

What is wrong with my children?

Why won't they let me completely immerse myself in their lives?

It's okay, it's okay. I'm okay.

Well, I might not be able to attend an official rehearsal, but that doesn't mean your mom can't show you a few moves.

I'm gonna go throw on my leg warmers and leotard.

A-dooba-dooba-dooba-doo!

[Chuckles]

What just happened?

What just happened is you have to learn "Annie."

Good job, moron.

We were only three hours into our "Star Wars" camp-out, but the long wait didn't matter.

I finally had my sister back.

So, I have a theory.

"Star Wars" takes place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, right?

Of course.

So, what if Han Solo is frozen in carbonite for like a million years and shipped to a planet far, far away and that planet was earth in 1940 and he's thawed out just in time to change his name to lndiana Jones?

Hmm!

I have so much more to say on this topic, but I drank all the soda.

Dude, that's our rations!

Save my spot.

Yep, Erica was letting her geek flag fly and didn't care who saw it, until her friends arrived.

Erica?

Lainey, hey! Hi, hello.

What are you doing here?

We're going to get cheese steaks.

What are you... doing here?

What's up, legs?

That's... What I'm doing here, too.

Isn't this the cheese steak line?

Eddie's been asking about you. Come with us.

Yeah. Okay.

You go ahead, and I'll catch up with you in a second.

Okay.

Um, my brother will be back in one minute.

Will you hold this spot for me?

Hmm!

Is that a yes?

Hmm!

What is that?

Hmm!

Just save our damn place!

Hmm!

All right. If you come to your feet, go for the takedown.

Don't let him get away with that! More explosion there!

Whoa, what are you doing? What are you doing?

What?

What are you doing with the folding chair?

You said to practice our take-downs.

The chair-bash is my character's patented move.

Your character?

Yeah. For the WWF.

They call me Goldberg.

My back story is my parents gave me up for adoption, and then I grew up on the rough streets of Philly.

I'm sensitive, so ladies love me, but I also have a raging side, so men can relate, too.

But this isn't the WWF.

And as someone whose parents really did give him up for adoption, I can promise you it's a lot more emotionally complicated than that.

Now, put the chair back.

While Barry was having a tough time accepting this wasn't the WWF, he was having an even tougher time learning "Annie."

♪ Together at last ♪ ♪ together forever ♪ ♪ we're tying a knot ♪

What's that, Murray?

♪ They never can sever ♪ ♪ I don't need sunshine now ♪ ♪ to turn my gray skies blue ♪ ♪ Sing it from the diaphragm ♪ ♪ I don't need anything but you ♪

Ahh! Aha!

I'm kind of wondering if this whole thing is worth it.

It is what it is.

Pops and my dad had helped Barry pull off the perfect cover story.

Unfortunately, Erica wasn't interested in covering for me.

Hey, that's my spot. My sister was saving it for me.

Where did she go?

Like I care what your sister would do.

She went to get a cheese steak with her smoking-hot friend.

Come on.

I just went to the bathroom for like 10 seconds.

Sorry, man. But you should have planned ahead.

The smart ones of us brought along someone we could trust to hold our spot in line.

Others in more unwieldy costumes have rigged themselves with elaborate tubing and disposable plastic bags so that they might quietly relieve themselves even while talking to a stranger.

Ahh.

What?

Can't a man "ahh" in relief without being judged?

Unreal. Unreal, you guys.

Seriously? You're not gonna let me back into my spot?

I'm just a boy.

Seriously?

Luke Skywalker was just a boy, okay?

Rules are the rules.

Good luck catching the Sunday matinee.

My sister had done the unthinkable.

She ruined "Star Wars."

You're on the mat sizing up your opponent.

The ref blows the whistle.

He makes his move. What do you do?

I bounce off the ropes to get momentum, and I spear him with my body.

Again! It's not that kind of wres...

I know, it's not that type of wrestling.

I get it.

But those are the only moves I perfected on my bed jumping around.

It's true. I've seen him. He's quite a jumper, this one.

Okay, let me show you a real move.

This was my specialty back in the day.

You use your opponent's weight and strength against him.

You smell like sandwich.

Shut up.

As I lean in to you, you pull back and use your opponent's momentum to take him down!

Oh, my God. I'm so bored right now.

Just let me hit you with something!

Pops, get me a 2x4.

What are you doing?! No 2x4s! I told you!

Beverly: Barry Norman Goldberg, look at me.

Are you on the wrestling team?

Uh... No?

Oh, really?

Because I was just down at the school theater building an orphanage for a show that apparently you're not even in.

What? You promised you weren't going down there.

I have a problem.

Yes, he's on the wrestling team, but that's a good thing.

I was on the wrestling team, and look how fine I turned out.

[Laughing] Ohhhhwha!

[Laughing]

How dare you go behind my back and encourage my delicious baby muffin to lie to me!

Bev, come on. It's not that big of a deal.

Let the boy wrestle.

Helen Cutler's son was in a wrestling match once and his head popped right off and now he lives his life as just a head.

There's no such thing as just a head!

You need organs to live.

Well, tell that to Helen Cutler as she's carrying her son around the grocery store like a football.

Well, where's his heart?! You need a heart to function!

It's in his neck.

He's got a little neck with organs in it.

Oh, so now he's got a neck!

What else has he got?

Maybe a body?!

Everyone, shut up!

All my life, you've been treating me like a baby.

Well, guess what... It stops now.

I'm a grown adult man and I'm gonna wrestle and there's nothing you can do about it!

Nothing!

Despite my brother's goofy run, he'd made up his mind.

It was go time, but Barry wasn't the only one ready for a fight.

There you are! You scared me to death!

Where were you?

Where were you?!

I asked you to do one thing... stand!

Just stand there!

But you couldn't even do that!

And now I'll never see "Return of the Jedi."

Oh, please, just to spite me?

Correct! You ruined "Star Wars" for me.

From this point on, I'll have nothing to do with it.

Nothing!

Dang it! That's a collector's item!

But I don't care! [Breathing heavily]

Why did I do this?

You made me lose control of my body.

You honestly want to know why I left?

I didn't want my friends to see me stand in line at some space movie that I got blackmailed into by my dumb kid brother.

I blackmailed you because it's the only way to get you to spend time with me.

And I didn't used to just be your dumb kid brother.

I used to be your friend.

It had been a full day since I banished "Star Wars" from my life.

I was in a sarlacc pit of despair, that is, until a certain princess rescued me.

Hey!

Get up. Put this on.

We're going to that movie.

I told you I'm not seeing the Sunday matinee.

It's like wearing somebody else's wedding dress.

What does that even mean?

It doesn't matter. We're going today.

How?

Well, I told the theater manager what happened, and he was incredibly sympathetic.

He's gonna sneak us in.

Really?

I also said I would go to dinner with him and his grandparents.

I really wish I would have just stayed in line.

Meanwhile, my brother was ready to fight.

And according to Barry Logic, if he won this match, Lexy would never forget his name.

And even though he had a lot to lose, it was my dad who had the butterflies.

How you doing, champ? You nervous?

I'm not nervous. Don't be nervous.

Uh, I'm a little nervous, not about the wrestling thing.

I'm just worried about my catchphrase 'cause once I say it, I can never take it back.

I was thinking, "welcome to the mat."

No catchphrase.

Goldberg, quit trading recipes.

Let's go! You're up! Let's go, let's go!

Look alive! Come on!

[Europe's "the final countdown" plays]

This was it... the start of my brother's wrestling career, and nothing was gonna stop him.

I said no!

Mom?

Are you kidding me right now? Move.

I will not move. I will never move.

You're my special boy.

If you end up being just a head, then I have failed as a mother.

No.

No.

Barry! What did I say?

What did I say? What did... ohh!

[Crowd gasps]

Mom, Llexy Bloom is watching me right now.

What the hell are you doing?!

I'm saving your life.

Bevy, no!

I love you, honey!

I love you so much! I will never let you go!

Don't fight back! Go limp under mama!

And we're off the rails again.

Dad, help me! She's so strong!

I'm trying!

Tap out, Barry.

Barry, tap out!

I'm tapping out!

Tap out, Barry!

You are a nightmare, okay?!

Now Lexy Bloom will never follow me to college on a wrestling scholarship.

You have no right to be mad at me... No right!

You're the one who lied and directly defied my orders.

True story.

Oh, here we go!

Susie Goodman's son defied her at one point.

I don't care!

How do you know so many sad people?!

And do you know that resulted in his tragic...

Enough!

All right, Bevy, no one loves a tragic parenting tale more than you.

Did you ever hear the one about Beverly Goldberg's son?

He got utterly dominated by her in front of the whole school and was made a laughingstock.

Oh, my God.

That is kind of what happened, isn't it?

Honey, at a certain point, you're only hurting them by holding them back.

Well, the damage is done.

Not yet.

["The final countdown" plays]

What?

There is a way to make people forget the terrible things they saw today, and that's for you to go out and pulverize this kid and show him why your catchphrase is "welcome to the mat!"...

Or something better that you think of on your way out there.

And, Bevy, I will hold your hand through the whole thing.

Go get 'em, ***.

[Roars]

That day, my brother and I each opened a door that would change our lives forever.

I'll always remember stepping into my little hometown theater, heart pounding, knowing that I was about to watch pure magic, and it was all thanks to my sister.

[Cheers and applause]

That's funny.

I was expecting to wrestle your mom.

[Whistle blows]

[Cheers and applause]

Whoa!

Ohh! Yeah!

Wow!

Welcome to the mat!

All right, Goldberg!

I taught him that move!

He learned that from me!

More or less.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I've always wanted to be a wrestling mom!

I can't hear you?!

Goldberg can't hear you!

[Cheers and applause]

You know it, girl!

I'm tough, but gentle, and we're gonna ride a horse into the sun.

Yeah! Yeah!

Okay, so my brother didn't go on to become a famous professional wrestler named Goldberg.

Finishing move!

But in that moment, he felt invincible.

Oh, no, no, no! No! No!

Goldberg, it's over. It's over.

It's over. You won. You won.

Yeah!

There's nothing you remember more than your childhood victories.

♪ The final countdown ♪

They stay with you forever.

And if you're lucky, your family is right there with you.

Thank you so much.

♪ Ohhhh ♪

Hey.

Ask mom.

I've got some new wrestling moves.

Ask mom.

You're gonna love them.

Mm-hmm.

[Grunting]

The hulkster can't hear you!

The hulkster can't hear you!

The hulkster can't hear you!

Oh, and he's raking his face against the ropes!

Oh, that can't be legal!

That just can't be legal!

Oh, no! He has a foreign object.

Has the referee not seen this?

He's done! He's done!

World champion!

Still a moron.