Chapter Forty-Six

Latin lover narrator: Okay, so Jane and Michael's first night as husband and wife went from a dream to a nightmare.

Jane: Help! Somebody help!

But thank God he's okay.

You better not be back to work tomorrow, Cordero.

Patricia: I don't want him to go back at all.

Me, neither.

Latin lover narrator: Also not too happy: Petra. See, her twin sister, Anezka, froze her and took her place.

Anezka: If I move my sister here, then I-I'll be able to take care of her.

Latin lover narrator: I know, straight out of a Telenovela, right? Well, imagine this: Jane's father was a Telenovela star. Oh, and Jane's mother, Xo, well, she found herself pregnant with his rival's baby.

Xiomara: I didn't want to have a baby with you who I love so much. I'm not having a baby with Esteban.

Latin lover narrator: There! You're all caught up. So, let's do this, people!

Okay.

Have a good day first day back at work.

Latin lover narrator: When Jane Gloriana Villanueva was 25 years, six months, and 14 days old...

Thank you.

It's gonna be okay, I promise.

Mm-hmm.

(gunshots)

Michael?

Michael!

No, no! Michael!

(gasps)

she had the worst nightmare ever...

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Based on her worst nightmare ever.

We're gonna put this behind us, okay?

Just takes time.

And Jane really hoped that was true.

Okay, here we go.

Have a good first day.

You sure you're okay?

A little nervous...

Okay, very nervous.

But... I can do this.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Okay, now go before I'm not okay!

Okay.

(gunshots)

Michael!

(gasps)

But so far, not so much.

Nurse: Just keep in mind, recovery is not a straight line.

And going home, there's going to be an adjustment period.

Well, it's an adjustment I'm looking forward to.

Me, too.

No.

I said no more crackers... I said no.

There we are.

Do you think that we can go over that new stretch one more time? It's the only one that I'm not sure of.

Yeah, no problem. Um...

Just start with him on his back... (Mateo cries) with a rolled towel under his neck for support.

(crying intensifies)

Just ignore him.

Any attention rewards bad behavior.

Okay, so, rolled towel.

Right, (loud wailing) then he's gonna want to reach his right arm to his right toe, while keeping his core...

Mateo! Shh!

(screaming continues)

Forget it.

(Mateo quiets)

Sorry.

One more time, from the top.

You're gonna have help at home, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, my-my grandma's a home health care worker.

Narrator: Oh... so, that's what all those smocks were about.

We will be staying with her and my mom for the first few weeks.

Every newlywed's dream.

For the record, all I need to feel like a newlywed is my sexy, sexy nurse.

(heart monitor beeps increase)

Whoa-ho! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hate to break the honeymoon up, but you're gonna need to keep that heart rate down for the next six weeks, remember?

So, no s*x?

You can hardly move.

She can.

Be that as it may, for the next six weeks, it's hands... and everything else off.

(bell clanging)

Hi, Dad, bye, Dad. Mwah.

Okay, so I'm going to go to the pharmacy and get your prescription filled, then I'm going to go to the house, make sure everything's ready, then I'll come back in about three hours to take you home... sound good?

Mm-hmm.

Rogelio: No!

Esteban is featured in this American magazine.

I'll leave you two to discuss.

He's in the "What's in My Bag" section.

He's their first "What's in My Murse."

My what?

Murse.

Male purse.

That was my idea.

He's not even original.

Ashley Tisdale did vegan smoothie in a Mason jar in her bag months ago.

I can't believe this... right after that stupid PSA went viral.

Ah, yes, you'll recall Rogelio was recently arrested.

Urine swapping is no joke; it's a federal crime.

Make no mistake: if you swap, urine big trouble.

You mean the PP-SA?

It's not funny!

I'm-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. My reputation took a hit.

And now Esteban is featured in this magazine.

Do you know what that means?

He's on his way to becoming... a crossover star.

I know you can't understand, but this feels like a shot to the heart.

Michael: No, no, no.

No need to yell at anybody.

Look, I get it.

You took a hit.

Just like...

I took a hit.

But if I can recover from a gunshot, you can recover from this.

You are right.

I'm coming for you...

and your murse.

Ew.

Is he still sending you X-rated Snapchats?

I had to delete the app.

(yawns loudly)

I mean it, hon.

You look exhausted.

Again, thanks.

I'm just saying if you're still having nightmares every night, talk to Michael, see if he'd consider not going back to the force.

I don't want to.

Work's not even on his radar yet.

Latin lover narrator: Ah, yes, the Villanueva house, you'll recall, had flooded, resulting in a little remodeling, resulting in...

Ta-da!

That.

Ugh, I told you it was ugly and it looks even worse in person.

Oh, you do not, you're just stubborn.

Jane.

Mm?

It's awful, right?

It's, uh...

It-it-it's, uh, def-definitely bold... and, but on the whole, eh?

Oh, um...

Remember when I had the stomach flu a few weeks ago?

To clarify, Xo didn't have a stomach flu a few weeks ago. She had a medication abortion, which caused cramps, which she told her mother was a stomach flu.

Oh, yeah, didn't I tell you I went to the doctor?

No.

Whoa, wallpaper.

Yes. Done. Used to it.

Any tantrums today?

So many tantrums today.

I, uh... It's my fault.

I know I'm supposed to ignore him, but... he just throws down at the worst times.

I know. He does it to me, too, but listen, I called the pediatrician.

You did?

Latin lover narrator: Weird. They usually discuss calls first.

She said it could be because his routine is off.

And we have been trading days like crazy.

I know, I know.

No, it's me, too.

I've been all over the place with the schedule.

But she suggested that we get him back into a routine.

Done. Up at 7:00.

Nap time at 1:00, bedtime at 8:00.

Perfect. And I'll start taking him to the Parent and Me again at the preschool.

Great. Let's just make sure we still love it.

Why wouldn't we?

I just want to make sure.

I'm gonna text Petra, tell her to cover my meetings.

As a reminder, friends, Petra couldn't cover any meetings since she'd been...

Anezka: Don't tell me to calm down, Mother.

Latin lover narrator: This is who would cover the meetings.

I just got text from Rafael, saying I'm supposed to go to Miami-Dade County Permitting and Inspection Center.

Okay, so you go to the meeting, and if you do not have the answer, you just act above everybody else, okay?

Now think.

What would real Petra do?

Latin lover narrator: Oh.

Anezka: No, no.

I'm done.

What?

Two weeks.

Once I got something to blackmail him with, I was supposed to get his money and leave town.

I was only supposed to be here for two more weeks.

How was I supposed to know he would turn himself in for that insider training crap?

I can't do this anymore, Mother.

You are not selling couches!

Please stop screaming at me; this is very stressful situation.

I am sorry, Anezka.

But you can do this.

You just have to find something else to blackmail him with.

Okay?

Jane: Okay. Let me just call Michael.

So do you think she bought it... about the medical bill?

Yes, totally.

'Cause I'm not sure.

Uh, hey, babe.

Yeah, I'm leaving the house now.

Hey, uh, I was just about to call you, actually.

Can you give me another half hour?

Detective Olivia just got here, and we're going over some case stuff.

Latin lover narrator: Huh. Guess work is on his radar after all.

Of course, no problem. See you soon.

He's with his new boss going over case stuff.

Hmm. It's fine.

It-it doesn't necessarily mean he's thinking about going back to work soon.

Michael: Of course I'm thinking about going back to work soon.

I mean, you know, not now... I'm still six weeks away from my physical, but when I start, I want to hit the ground running.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Um, so...

Just so you know, when we get home, there is some major wallpaper drama.

I got it. What-what's wrong?

I'm just, uh...

I'm thrown that you're thinking about working.

It's six weeks away.

At all, I mean.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I-I-I'm just terrified.

Mateo was kidnapped, you were shot and the woman who did it is still out there.

Exactly. And I want to put her behind bars.

Yeah, but why you?

Can't it be anybody else?

No one knows the case better than me.

Your own partner shot you.

I'm sorry.

That came out wrong.

It's just that she targeted us twice.

A-and I would never ask you except that you had offered to quit once before.

That's different. I was afraid I was going to lose you.

Are you saying I'm gonna lose you?

No, of course not. We're married.

Exactly. And you married a cop.

Okay, it's time to get our newlyweds home.

Latin lover narrator: On the bright side, at least no one's thinking about having s*x.

Nighty-night, you two.

Living the dream.

Hey, hey.

Come here, come here.

(moans)

This is exactly what I dreamed of.

I'm sorry about before.

I didn't mean to get defensive.

No, no, no.

I was just surprised.

Well, look, I was thinking...

Of course I'd quit if you couldn't live with it.

I can't ask you to do that.

But I would if it comes to that.

But the truth is, it's still six weeks away.

A lot can change in six weeks.

You know, I mean, six weeks ago...

I could barely sit up.

And now I'm walking.

Like Charlie Chaplin, but I'm walking.

Recovery's a process.

Okay, let's just both see how we feel with more time.

Jane: I feel like a monster.

I mean, Michael's the one who got shot, and he's comforting me?

Hey. You had a trauma, too.

Well, I have to get over it.

I'm going to; I've done some research.

Latin lover narrator: Obviously. And it says, that you have to face your fears, so I'll... walk the Marbella hallway, I guess.

It's important to note, that she had not been able to do so since the shooting.

And it says to try to get back into a routine, which, luckily, is exactly what I'm working on with Mateo, so that's that.

And for the record, that was that.

♪ ♪

(yawning)

(mimics airplane buzzing)

(laughs)

(sighs)

♪ ♪

Mmm.

(sighs)

Rogelio: Can I just say, I hate montages?

It's a cheap ploy.

No. It's a useful way to convey the passage of time as you inspire Emma Lazarus to write her poem for the base of the Statue of Liberty.

Who wants useful?

I want inspired.

I want transcendent.

I want a vegan smoothie... Someone please.

You. In a mason jar.

Ay. Hey, Rogelio, what is going on with you today? You seem out of sorts.

I'm sorry. I'm just waiting for a call from my agent.

I heard there might be a three episode arc coming up on Hawaii Five-O.

Mm.

I'm looking to make the leap from, you know, telenovelas.

Hmm. Good luck.

Thank you. Fingers crossed.

Back to the montage.

♪ ♪

Is cane-walking an Olympic sport?

Because if it is, I'm signing you up, baby.

USA! USA!

Yeah.

Latin lover narrator: Anyway, you get the idea. The routine part was going great.

(elevator bell dings)

(gasps)

Xiomara: You'll get there.

Xiomara...

Yes, I'm sure.

Xiomara: She knows.

I'm telling you this happened when she first found out I was having s*x.

She dropped hints and tortured me until I finally couldn't take it anymore and confessed.

Okay, calm down, Cersei.

Abuela always asks you to go to church.

Twice in one day?

Michael: Plus, there was the tampon thing.

Exactly. Don't forget about the tampon thing.

She has asked you if you'd needed tampons before.

You didn't tell me that.

It wasn't important because it was the way she said it.

It is important.

We need to be methodical about this.

Tampons go into the unknown column.

No jumping to conclusions.

We need facts.

Yes.

Good. We need your detective skills.

Latin lover narrator: Ooh, touchy subject.

What would you do if Alba was a perp?

I'd probably drop the word "abortion."

See how she reacts.

No way. She'll know.

Abort.

Good thinking. I'll drop "abort."

Okay. I got to get Mateo up from his nap, so we are not late for his class.

Hopefully, Rafael still likes the preschool.

Uh, he will. He's just pushing back a little because, you know, he's still in love with you.

(chuckles)

And you're married to someone else.

That's ridiculous. He's not still in love with me.

He definitely is.

I'm leaving for Mateo's class.

Latin lover narrator: Ah, yes, Mateo's class, which meant Rafael was out, which meant Anezka had exactly two hours.

(door opens)

Ms. Solano?

What are you doing here?

Mr. Solano wanted me to drop something off in his office.

He said there wouldn't be anybody here, so, what are you doing here?

Well... after the whole insider trading scandal, I don't trust Rafael with the finances anymore.

Wanted to take a look for myself.

I'll have to ask Mr. Solano about that.

No!

Easy there, Anezka. Remember...

No, I... I don't think that will be necessary... Scott.

(gasps) Oh.

Ms. Solano?

Mm. I think with what's about to happen, you can call me Petra.

Scott (sighs): Oh!

(sighs)

Oh.

I've always dreamed about having s*x with you.

That was better than my fantasies.

(sniffs, sighs)

And there were... a lot of 'em.

(laughs)

(sighs)

Oh, that was the best s*x of my life.

(phone rings, playing tune)

Whose is that?!

Oh, it's mine! Everybody, shh!

This could be about my big Hawaii Five-O arc!

Shh!

Hi there.

Rogelio: Can you believe it's me against Esteban for the part?!

And they want me to audition!

Is Esteban going to audition?

Ah. Well...

Then why won't you?

Because I shouldn't have to!

I've been in more hours of television, I've won more Palomas.

Because you're the better actor, so go prove it.

Well, it's not only that, no.

My American accent might not actually be the greatest.

Really?!

Really.

Try.

(in a strange accent): I would prefer not to try.

All right, come on, don't make a joke.

That was my try.

Okay, well, I'll help you with the accent.

Really?

Of course. I got the time.

See you next time, Mateo. God bless.

Okay. So that was fun, huh?

Mateo still loves it.

Yeah, and the group's fine.

Mm.

But here's the thing.

I don't want to enroll him here for preschool.

Why? We decided months ago.

I know. Well, I changed my mind.

It's a little too Jesusy for me.

It is not Jesusy.

It's a Catholic preschool. What do you expect?

I wasn't really thinking. I just went along with it.

But now, things are different.

Why? What changed?

At this moment, friends, she thought about her mom's words.

Okay. Fine. I wasn't planning on making, like, a big declaration or anything, but the truth is...

Maybe Rafael was still in love with her.

I'm finally over you.

Or maybe not.

Oh. Well... c-congratulations.

Thank you.

Oh. It actually feels good. Really good.

'Cause it took so long, you know?

Yeah, totally.

And that kind of changed things, because, the truth is, when I was in love with you, I just wanted to please you.

I mean, I would wake up every morning and think, "What would Jane want? Like, what would make Jane happy? What would make Jane smile?"

And now, I'm kind of like, "Oh, so what if Jane's upset?"

I mean, no offense.

No. No, no, none taken.

Uh... so, what now?

Now we'll start looking for new schools that speak to the both of us.

Ah.

(sighs)

Now there is a wait-list for every Parent and Me that feed into a good preschool.

I thought I had this settled.

Alba: Xiomara?

Oh, right.

Um, actually, I decided to... abort that plan and order Chinese food instead.

Anyway, it'll be here soon.

(phone buzzing)

Hello.

So do you think she knows?

Oh, yes. Good. Uh, yeah, I was calling to see if you had any slots left in your Parent and Me?

Oh, you're all filled up?

Okay, thank you.

So what do you think?

Oh, Mom, please stop!

If you want to know if Abuela knows, just ask her!

(whispers): I'm sorry.

It's nothing.

I had an abortion, Mom.

And I didn't know if you knew.

Latin lover narrator: I guess she didn't know.

Magda: Okay, so you had another setback.

Just stay calm.

How? There is new security on his computer, Mother!

Scott says it's on all hotel computers. Scott says...

Who the hell is Scott?

He... works at hotel, he wears these cute little vests.

And he's really sweet actually.

Ugh.

Petra hated that loser!

No boys, sweetheart.

You need to stay focused.

Remember old saying...

You chase two rabbits, you get neither.

Now, listen, I want you to try his personal laptop.

Okay, so my mom is going to pick you up for physical therapy and bring you back here.

I should be home by lunch. Don't forget your medicine, and you still owe me 15 hamstring stretches from this morning.

Got it.

I love you, Mom.

Latin lover narrator: Did he just call her...?

Mama. My hot mama.

Yeah, that's not making it better.

Okay. I love you, too.

Look, it's-it's really not that weird.

I really don't want to discuss it.

I'm just saying, okay? It's not a big deal.

I know it's not a big deal. That's why I don't want to discuss it. Radio?

(turns radio on)

No, no.

(turns radio off)

Just, now that I am no longer in love with you, we've entered a new phase of our relationship.

Okay, this is the friendship phase, which means that we can talk about this stuff.

Okay, tonight... when you get home, forget about the pills and the exercises and the schedules, and just... you know.

Yeah, I get it.

And while that is sound advice, unfortunately, we can't do that at the moment.

Because of his recovery.

So, wait. You guys still haven't...?

Mm.

So you're a married virgin?

I am, yes.

A married virgin with a one-year old son.

(laughs)

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

No, it's ridiculous, and so is discussing this with you!

No, I told you.

I'm over you.

Yes. Yes, I know.

I repulse you.

No. Look...

You don't have to keep saying it.

I'm sorry. It was just a...

It was a long recovery.

So... what was the cure?

So I had to get over it.

Which is why we are here.

Latin lover narrator: Ah, yes. At Wincroft.

It's one of the most multicultural, multiethnic schools you'll find in all of Miami.

It's definitely not economically diverse.

Actually, a full 20% of the students are here on need-based scholarships.

Now, here at Wincroft, all parents are also required to volunteer a certain number of hours a month at the school.

Can we send our nannies?

That's just one mom.

And speaking of another tense Mommy and Me...

How can you be so self-righteous about this?

You told me to get an abortion when I was a teenager.

Stop.

I'm glad you told me that!

It helped me choose to have Jane.

And I have never regretted that, Mom.

But at this stage in my life, I... don't want to be pregnant, and I don't want a baby.

Miss, your kid just bit my son.

Hmm?

He did?! Oh, my God!

Well, what... what happened?

I didn't see.

Wait, what?

My son has bite marks on his arm.

Well, Mateo's never bitten anyone.

He was sitting right next to him.

Well, Jack was also sitting next to him. Maybe he bit him.

(chuckles) Jack and my son are best friends.

They spend all of their time together, and Jack would never do that.

Really? Maybe you should ask your nanny.

I see where your son gets his personality.

You know what, lady, bite me.

Rafael: You sabotaged it.

I didn't.

You would've never done that at the Catholic school.

I was just standing up for our son, okay?

Mateo doesn't b... Ow!

I'm so sorry.

Xiomara: Oh, yeah? Well, guess what...

Alba: Sí.

I don't think I'm going to hell.

Enough! Stop!

I told her...

No, no, stop!

I don't care! No more fighting in front of Mateo.

In addition to his tantrums, he is now biting people.

And he is not an aggressive kid. So we are all gonna stay calm around him from now on, understand?!

Starting now.

Look, I know how upset you are about the choice I made, but I made it and it's done.

So can't we put this behind us and move forward?

(scoffs softly)

I'm spending the night at Rogelio's.

Abuela, just...

(door opens)

(door shuts)

(sighs)

(gulls crying)

(tropical music playing)

Um, so we didn't get to go to Puerto Rico for our honeymoon, so this is... Well, it's not that.

But something else that Rogelio and his Telenovela crew put together.

And, yes, he did pay them.

Michael...

I'm sorry about the mom thing.

(groans, chuckles)

It's just... we haven't had many newlywed moments, you know?

So, the plan was to sip margaritas Ooh.

And listen to my kickass honeymoon playlist.

But now I'm thinking the most romantic thing for you might be to listen to my playlist while doing some research on why kids bite.

Latin lover narrator: I'm not gonna lie, it was just the most romantic thing he could say.

Rogelio (American accent): Dude, I love the ocean at night.

The waves are killer.

And then she realizes I'm the killer.

Well, your accent is getting so much better.

Thanks, homegirl.

I'm trying to stay in my American character.

I'm going full Daniel Day-Lewis.

Xo, what's bumming you out?

(sighs) It's my mom.

She's making me feel guilty.

N-Not for the abortion.

She's making me feel guilty about not feeling guilty.

Well, get your mother out of your head.

If you're sure about your choice, that's all that matters.

Keep it real, brah.

It's one of the things I admire most about you.

Thanks.

And could you maybe lose the American accent while you talk about authenticity?

Yeah.

So, why the sudden need to cross over to America?

You're-you're at the top of the Telenovela game.

It's just that my telenovelas are the most popular in Mexico, where I'm like a Tom Cruise plus Justin Bieber plus Juanes all put together, no?

But my home is not Mexico anymore.

Because of Jane, Matelio, and, well, you, it's here.

So now that I've crossed over to this family, I want to feel the amazing perks of fame in my new country.

Latin lover narrator: And, friends, that was just about the most romantic thing he could say.

What's it say? Well, general consensus says that kids bite because they are overwhelmed and uncertain and they don't have the words to express themselves.

It's like this giant wave of tension that takes over and they can't stop it and they just... react without thinking.

Mmm.

Which is totally what I've been doing.

What?

Biting. W... Not actually biting.

Just snapping at people.

Like, a lot.

My mom.

The preschool lady.

That guy at the gas station.

Oh. What happened with the guy at the gas station?

Let's just say that we both agreed that I should come back for an oil change another day.

(chuckles)

I think it's because I'm so uncertain.

I need things settled.

With me going back to work?

(sighs) I know you're just offering not to to make me happy.

That's true.

(chuckles)

But that's no small thing.

Yeah. But your happiness is no small thing to me.

You know? So it's a draw there.

Look, it-it's your job.

So if you're telling me that you love it and that you're not scared and you want to go back, then that's that.

But you have to say it, so that I can flip the switch and move on.

I love my job and I'm not scared and I want to go back.

(clicks tongue, sighs)

Okay.

(sniffles) Great. So then you're going back.

And you're wearing a bulletproof vest every day.

(chuckles) I'm serious.

Okay.

And I'm dealing with it now.

How, exactly?

No, you don't have to worry.

You know who said I don't have to worry?

My mom, when my parents were getting divorced, okay?

You're not my mom.

You're my wife.

Let me help you.

(crying softly)

I can't walk the halls.

Where you were shot.

I keep seeing you, lying there.

We'll do it together, okay?

God, this would be a great moment to have s*x.

I mean, at this point, it just seems like a big cosmic joke.

(laughs)

Latin lover narrator: True to her word, on the day Jane flipped the switch and accepted that Michael was returning to work, she felt strangely... calm. Well, calmer. There was still the whole school debacle looming.

Woman: And our motto here is, we don't care if our kids leave here knowing their letters or their numbers.

We care if they can name their feelings.

Yeah, there's no way he's going here.

Not a chance.

How soon can we leave?

Ooh. I just got an e-mail from Wincroft.

What?

I wrote them last night.

Apologized. Basically ate dirt.

I'm so on my best writing.

Can you put your phone away?

Why?

It's a no phone zone.

There's also a sign that says you can eat your boogers.

Who cares? We don't even like this school.

Holy crap! I fixed it! They invited Mateo to join the Parent and Me. I'm gonna reply now before someone snags our spot.

Jane, will you wait? Stop. Just stop.

Why?

'Cause I don't like Wincroft anymore.

What? But that was your choice.

I know. It was. But yesterday afternoon I got a call asking for a large donation if I wanted to make the whole biting incident go away.

What?

So obviously it's just not for us.

Oh, my God. You weren't gonna tell me.

Admit it.

Jane...

I would've...

No, you wouldn't have! And then you were just gonna make me feel like I ruined it for him!

Woman: Oopsie.

(chuckles) I am so sorry.

W-We know we should not be fighting in front of the kids.

Oh, no, it's perfectly okay to fight in front of the kids.

The key is, you also have to make up in front of them.

That's how we model behavior. So...

Sorry, dude. Okay. We good?

My bad. Okay.

(laughs) That's not how we do it here.

Should we take them to the Compassion Corner?

Children: Yeah!

Go ahead. Mateo's Mommy, you're upset because...?

I'm upset because Mateo's Daddy didn't tell me something he should have.

And I should've. And next time I will.

Cool. Forgiven.

Great.

So, so, so, let's get under those big feelings.

Why didn't you tell Mateo's mom the truth?

Because...

I made a decision.

The first one in a while.

And I didn't want to lose credibility.

I felt it was important not to.

And Mateo's Mommy gets that.

But it's also not fair.

I know it's not.

But it's also a new dynamic, and I want it to work.

And it will.

As long as you don't automatically turn against something because I want it.

I just want to have a voice.

And you have such a big family, you know?

It's only me.

Us.

We're a family, too.

But I get it.

And I'm all for the new dynamic. I mean, I don't have to talk about my s*x life with you again...

Oh, nice job, Mommy and Daddy!

♪ We're better together, together we're better ♪ ♪ Take his ideas and her ideas and my ideas ♪ ♪ And your ideas... ♪

Hey, uh, before we go, quick question.

How do you deal with biting?

It's just a phase.

And not your fault.

But next time it happens, don't give him attention.

Instead, comfort the victim.

(chuckles)

Hmm.

We found a preschool!

It's actually such a weird place.

Totally hippy-dippy, but we ended up loving it.

Oh... go say hi to Michael, sweetie. Go on.

Where's Mom?

Come on, Abuela, don't be so stubborn.

If there's one thing that I learned at Mateo's new school, it's that we should respect each other's differences.

And agreeing to disagree is okay, too.

Look. It's right here in this pamphlet.

I'm telling you, it's a great school.

Michael: Ow!

He bit me.

Latin lover narrator: Quick! Comfort the victim.

Oh. Wow, Michael.

Are you okay?

I'm supposed to comfort the victim.

I'm so sorry that happened.

That was really terrible, and you don't deserve that.

♪ ♪

Michael... are you okay?

(sobs)

(quietly): I'm sorry.

What's going on?

I don't know, I... (clears throat)

I think I... I just suddenly realized that... (takes deep breath) that I almost died.

I don't know why this is happening right now.

I guess it has something to do with walking in the hallway earlier.

The victim thing.

♪ ♪

I thought I was fine.

You are fine.

And we'll get through this.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

'Cause right now would be a good time to convince me to get a new job...

Latin lover narrator: And as tempting as that sounded,

Jane said...

Not a chance.

You love your job, and you want to go back, remember?

(knocking)

I thought you were with the twins.

They're down for the night. Chepa's with them.

I wanted to talk to you.

What's going on with you lately?

You've been acting odd.

No, I haven't. (chuckles softly)

Yes, you have.

Okay, see? Wh-What are you doing?

What is this?

And, friends, that's when Anezka remembered Magda's words... Chase two rabbits, you don't catch either. But then she remembered that one time... she did!

♪ ♪

Second door on the right.

That's what's going on.

Scott: Mr. Solano! Whoa!

Scott? What are you...?

That's one rabbit.

I'm turning around.

I'll be right out.

Oh, my God.

Why is Scott in your bedroom?

Because I'm sleeping with him.

And that's two.

That's why I've been acting weird.

'Cause I'm sleeping with Scott.

And I didn't want to tell you, because I knew you'd freak out, which is exactly what you're doing.

Because, honestly, it's a little embarrassing.

(sighs): But... well, I...

I needed comfort... after my sister's... i-illness.

One thing led to another, and... here we are.

And I really like him.

Again, I'm real sorry, Mr. Solano.

I wasn't expecting you, or I totally would have been dressed.

It's okay, it's okay. Just please stop.

Please.

Hey.

I told him about us.

Uh... yeah.

Uh... oh.

Rogelio: I think I'm going to be sick.

Esteban got the part.

They say it wasn't my accent.

It was my abs.

But who knows?

Well, don't even worry, your crossover moment will come, and you won't have to change yourself to get it.

Thank you, Xiomara.

I'm going to put the disappointment out of my mind.

We're about to shoot a major historical event, and I want to do it justice.

Others: Yeah.

Latin lover narrator: And suddenly, Emma Lazarus went from inspiring a country to inspiring a wildly inaccurate Telenovela to inspiring the star of that wildly inaccurate Telenovela.

Sorry. Sorry.

(clears throat softly) I'll stick to the script.

Don't worry. Let's go again.

(bell rings)

(phone chimes)

What's going on?

Tell her what you told me.

The other thing.

Can I help you with the wallpaper?

Jane: I'm helping, too.

I really hate it.

It's terrible!

Ah... the mother-daughter bond. So sweet.

Don't call me stupid, Mother! I'm trying!

Sometimes.

Everything okay, baby?

Can I just say...

I hate the way your mother treats you.

Man, if you think Petra hated being frozen before, now people think she's sleeping with Scott.

Okay, listen, when you caught me in Rafael's office, I wasn't checking up on the hotel's finances.

I-I was looking for dirt.

To blackmail him with.

That's what I assumed.

And so you know, I've got dirt on everyone at the Marbella.

I've been collecting it for years.

It's my burn book, if you will.

Including good stuff on Rafael.

So... let's take him down together, baby.

♪ ♪

Oh, dear. But before we get to that, a bit of good news.

I, uh, I feel like I'm making progress every day.

Um, physically, mentally...

And that shows in your test results.

Now, I can't clear you for police duty for a few more weeks, but other than that, you can resume normal activities.

All normal activities?

s*x. Can we have s*x?

Oh. Y-Yes.

I mean, don't do anything crazy, but y-yeah.

Seriously?

Really?!

I thought we were two weeks away still.

You can wait if you'd prefer.

No! We're good. Yes.

No. No, thank you.

Thank you so much, Doc. We'll be in touch.

And, friends, I'm not messing around this time. They're actually gonna do it! Say good-bye to Jane the Virgin!