God Rest Ye Merry Gentle-Mannequins

Fa-la, la-la, fa-la, la-la ♪ ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ I saw three kids come sailing through ♪ ♪ On seven days before Christmas in the morning. ♪ Why are you putting up ninja throwing stars? I think they're doilies. They're snowflakes! They're Christmas-y. Ninja snowflakes! Hi-yah! Ha! Yah! Ow. Ow. Gene. Speaking of Christmas, here's my annual list of demands. "My own apartment." And it cannot be a studio. You have exactly seven shopping days to comply. If it rolls into day eight, there will be tears and violence. I want a dry erase board. So I can write down all my private thoughts and then erase them immediately. I want the actual Olympic bobsled used in Cool Runnings. We can't afford any of those things, kids. Not even a dry erase board? No, Tina! Sorry. Been a tough year, ever since the City Guide listed us as a gas station. Hey, a bunch of presents don't matter. Christmas isn't all about getting stuff. Yes, it is! Take it back! Take it back! (humming) Merry Christmas, Mike! Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas to you. Hi, Mike. Hi, Bob. Here's your mail. Thanks. (clears throat): Ahem. What? Ahem! Oh. Right. Of course. You know, I never know how much to tip the mailman. No, you don't. Um, you know what, here. Uh, I am going to write a number on this piece of paper. There you go. Oh, yeah, that's about right-- if I delivered mail one day a week. Fine. Here's more than that. Oh, thanks, Bob. Hey, I got something special for you, too. Special delivery. Were you not gonna give me this if I didn't tip you? No, I-I would have. Just not today. Maybe it's from Santa. It's from the law firm of Bankoff, Bostwick & Biel. (screams) Santa's suing us! Hey, it says I've been named an heir in the enclosed will of Ernest G. Lombard. Aw! Uncle Ernie's dead? But it's Christmas. Huh, I haven't talked to Uncle Ernie in years. "Talking to Uncle Ernie" would be great code for going a poop. James, he just died. It's a fitting tribute. Excuse me, who is *** this guy? He was my mother's brother. He owned Lombard's Department Store before the mall came and put it out of business. How much did Uncle Ernie leave you? Well, let's see what it say-- Hey! Hey! A-ba-ba-ba! Don't look! Let's have a reading of the will. I'll make punch. You always want to make punch. Ever heard of eggnog? I have all those sample punch packets. Ah, look, I got-- just got another one. I'm so excited! I have to go talk to Uncle Ernie! Okay, everyone has their punch, so it's time to inherit the wind! Oh, mmm. Ooh, it's good. No, it's not. Let's make a pact that we won't let the money change us. Uncle Ernie's worst Christmas is going to be our best Christmas! Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Jamaican bobsled! Apartment! Dry erase board. Uh, like that. Let's just say this Christmas might not be terrible. (clears throat): Ahem! You have been bequeathed... Drumroll! (imitates drumroll) ...storage unit 39 at the Quincy Avenue Just-Stow-It. Oh. Ugh. (imitates somber rim shot) I still have a good feeling about this. There could be an old car in there. Or a whole bunch of fur coats. Ooh. I'm gonna throw paint on them! Remember, if it's something really good, we'll have to pay taxes on it. (all gasp) Huh? Oh, hey. We won a caveman! Who are you? My name's Chet. Uh, short for Chester, long for Ch. That's my little joke. Did you, did you enjoy the joke? Yes. Eh. I'm Tina. Shoes on or off? On, please. Can I get you something to drink? Cough syrup? Rainwater? Not that. That's urine. Why are you living in my uncle's storage unit? Mr. Lombard is your uncle? Yeah, he left me this unit in his will. Oh. Mr. Lombard's dead? Yeah. You want to come in for a hug? Um, no. Why? 'Cause we just met? Yeah, I guess. That's better. May I join you two? No. So, how'd you know Uncle Ernie? I did window displays at his store for 20 years. When the store closed, he let me stay in here. Don't you have a family or friends to stay with? You know, with Christmas coming and all that. Wait, it's Christmas? My calendar says it's, uh, da-da-da... August. (whispering): Bobby, tell him he can stay in our basement. (whispering); What? Why? Because, 'tis the season! Of what? Taking strange men into our basement? Of being nice, Bobby. He's fine right here. He's got a TV and a jar. You guys are loud whisperers. Sorry. So, you're taking over the lease? It's 150 a month. Oh. Thanks again for letting me stay here. Yeah, Bobby, you old softie. You're like a mushy snowman. A lot of space! I can't wait until the carpeting comes in. Is your heart set on this wall color? (singsong): 'Cause I have some ideas. But just to be clear, Chet, you're only here till right after Christmas. This Christmas? Um, yeah. The one that's coming up in a week. This is the nicest thing anybody's ever done for me. Including when Sal over there gave me this track suit. (whispering): If you want to give Sal something, he needs a pen1s. Fire! What?! Just kidding. Come look. What? Come on. What? What happened? Linda (sighs): Ah! Chet's gone. His pee jar is cold. I got to say, I'm relieved. There was something off about that guy. And he smelled... (clears throat) Oh, oh! It's Chet! Oh. Hey, Chet. There's my guy. What do you think of the display? Is it holi-doing it for you? You did all this? Oh, it's amazing! You gave me a place to stay, I give you: Class under Glass, by Chet. So you don't just design the displays, you're also in them? Of course. Why wouldn't I be? Well, it's a nice display. Um, thanks for doing it. How long did it take...? Chet? Chet? He's being weird again. Louise: It's been two hours and he still hasn't moved. Come on! I'm tired of pantsing him. It's like pantsing a stone. Or Grandpa. I love your display. The hats are fabulous. How much are they? Uh, we don't sell hats. We sell burgers. We still need to find a hat and something for the mailman. Please tell me you sell gift certificates. I, uh, I have a napkin and a pen, so I can write one. You know, Chet may be a strange guy, but his display really upped our foot traffic. Okay, Chet. We're closed. You can move now. (sighs): Whew! Ah! I am full of lactic acid and ideas for tomorrow's window! Ah! You're gonna do a different one tomorrow? Tomorrow and then the next day and then the next day and then the next day and then the next day and then it's Christmas, so I'll stop. Can we help? I want to be a Gene-equin! I'll be a Tina-quin. Let me print up some real gift certificates. And maybe, uh, cover the window with a big curtain, and unveil the new display right before we open. That's very theatrical. Are you gay? We wish. Chet: Okay. Anything jumping out at you for tomorrow's display? I found a train! The most civilized form of toy travel. This would look good in my new apartment. It was a joke at first, but now I'm starting to expect it. This is fun, teaming up, you know? I used to do windows with my wife, Nadine. Oh, you're married? We're separated. It's okay. What's past is past. Let's just, uh, focus on tomorrow's window. Moving on! Yeah, your new family doesn't want to hear about your old family. ♪ ♪ When I was small, I believed in Santa Claus ♪ ♪ Though I knew it was my dad ♪ ♪ And I would hang up my stalking at Christmas ♪ ♪ Open my presents and I'd be glad ♪ ♪ Father Christmas, give us some money... ♪ One local man has gone from homeless to "homeful" here in the window of Bob's Burgers, where you could say he's been making quite a living display of himself. Hey, look, I can see me! Look, I'm waving! Bob: Wow, this is great for us. We're on the news. The restaurant... Gene, stop licking yourself. You're on TV. Where I belong! So, Bob, what's it gonna be for the big Christmas Eve finale? I don't know what the last display's gonna be. Chet's the idea guy. Let's hear your idea, Chet. No, no, no! Don't tell me! Don't ruin it. No, you got to tell me, you... I can't handle it. No, no, no, no, no! Don't tell me. Don't tell me. (chuckles) Guy's fun to talk to. Whatever it is, it better be good. Mort's mom is coming to see it. She's got cataracts, so make it big. Linda: It's not here yet, but I want to go on record and say this is the best Christmas ever! Whoa! I know. We might actually be able to afford to buy the kids something nice. And maybe I can sneak out later while you cover for me. Yeah, I'll tell the kids you're dropping off a present for your mistress. (laughs): As if. ("Silent Night" playing) Why are you wrapping the TV remote? It's my Christmas present to Dad. He loves this thing. Great idea. I'll wrap Mom's glasses. Hey, what you looking at, Chet? I'm just zoning out. This was Nadine's favorite Christmas song. Oh, who's Nadine? ♪ Silent night Oh. ♪ ♪ Holy night... ♪ (whispering): Who's Nadine? (whispering): She's Chet's ex-wife. He's missing her pretty bad. How could you not miss her? Oh, she's gorgeous! Wait, is she...? Whoo. She looks nice. Yeah, perfect posture. And wooden boobs. Chet, this is a mannequin. Back when Nadine and I got married, I was a mannequin, too. Oh, now I understand. You think you were a mannequin? Oh, it's okay. You don't need to be scared of me. I'm not one of those murder mannequins or satanic mannequins. I'm just a store mannequin that came to life. So happy you're staying with us in our basement. ♪ Sleep in heavenly... ♪ Okay everyone out sniffs) (whispering): Chet's crazy, Lin. Do you think he'll kill us before or after Christmas? (whispering): I don't think he will. He said he's not a murder mannequin. You two really have to work on your whispering. So, if you're a mannequin, you won't feel this! (screams) That hurt! I didn't say I am a mannequin. I said I was a mannequin. I get it. One day, all of a sudden, you're anatomically correct. I just went through that. Well, I'm pretty sure mannequins don't turn into people, except in that one movie. This was no movie. This was retail. The new summer sportswear had just come in, and so had Nadine. She didn't have nipples, and, brother, she didn't need them. As summer turned to fall casuals, our relationship became anything but. Tina: Casual? Chet: Yes, casual. That winter, I took Nadine skiing. There was a terrible accident. (Linda gasps) Nadine shattered her right hand. Linda: Oh, God. Chet: When she came back to the store with two left hands, I knew I had to make a decision. Gene: Which hand to replace with a hook? Chet: No.Which one to put the ring on. Gene: Boo. Oh, God, Lin, are you crying? (sobbing) You know I love weddings. We were going to be together forever. Then came... the mall. Louise: Damn that mall! Chet: Lombard's had an everything-must-go sale, and my everything went. I never saw her again.