A House Full of Peters

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! TV ANNOUNCER: This program is brought to you by Fruit Bouquets. Got a birthday coming up for someone you absolutely hate? Why not tell them to go screw themselves by sending a giant Fruit Bouquet? With just a few clicks, you'll be able to send someone 14 pounds of unwanted decorative produce that will go bad within an hour of arrival! Hungry for a strangely-warm strawberry? How about a hard green wedge or a slime-glazed melon ball? Well, we have all these gross things. Order now and make someone feel guilty about throwing it straight into the trash six hours later. Fruit Bouquets: the rotting gift with flies on it! Okay, I'm heading out for ladies' night. There's a casserole in the refrigerator. I'll be home at 11:00. - Hey, Lois? - Yeah? How would you find out the name of the actual actress who plays the AT&T chick? I left a list of hot commercial girls on the refrigerator. What is this "refrigerator" you keep mentioning? Are you talking about the sandwich house? (SIGHS) I guess I'm not the only person with a useless husband. I mean, look at Mrs. Butterworth. I still don't understand why we couldn't take my last name. Well, my last name helps keep a roof over our head and pays for your hobby. Hobby? (PHONE RINGING) Oh, look at that. My business line is ringing. Hello? Lamps That Look Like Soccer Balls. Yes? Okay. How many would you like to return? Yeah, just send them here, care of Mr. Butterworth. (LIVELY CHATTER) Ah, it's so nice getting out of the house. If I had to change one more diaper, I was gonna lose it. I'm in exactly the same boat. I mean, what would our husbands do if they had to change their own diapers? Different boat, Bonnie. Much different boat. Hey, I got an idea. Let's crank call them. - Me first. - (LINE RINGING) (CRYING): You're weak, Cleveland! You're worthless and weak! (PHONE RINGING) You found Brown. - Hello, Cleveland. - (GIGGLING) This is Michelle Obama. It is?! Yes. I received all your letters, and I do like your mustache. Oh. I've been doing all your arm exercises. Thank you, but those won't work on your fat arms. How do you know my arms are fat? I deliberately left them out of all the photos. You're eating a pie on the toilet, aren't you, Cleveland? Who is this? Is this a Jerky Boy?! It's your wife, you big dummy! (LAUGHTER, PHONE BEEPS OFF) (SOBBING) I used to have my own show. (LAUGHTER) (LINE RINGING) - (PHONE RINGING) - Hello? (DISGUISED VOICE): Hello. Is this Joe Swanson? Wait. You can talk normal? (NORMAL VOICE): What do you mean? Never mind. (DISGUISED VOICE): We're calling from WQHG, Quahog's Hottest Hits. And we'll give you $500 if you can sing Britney Spears' "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman. " You've got ten seconds to I'm not a girl, not yet a woman All I need is time Oh, but you have to be able to walk. Aw, nuts. (LAUGHTER) Okay, my turn! My turn! (LINE RINGING) (PHONE RINGING) Hello. Don't say anything about the 1998 Oscars. I'm watching it now. LOIS (DISGUISED VOICE): Hello, is this Peter Griffin? If this is the fracking people, I have made it clear that I am 100% on board. No, my name is Rebecca. You've never met me before and probably don't even know I exist, but you're my father. Hello? How'd you get this number? Don't you ever call here again! - (LINE CLICKS) - What the hell?! He just got mad and hung up. He what? Why? I don't know. He sounded weird. Like when he was an NFL announcer and had to pretend he cared about the shows after the game. PETER: Patriots calling their third and final timeout. Hey, after the game, keep it here for an all-new Madam Secretary. Tonight, Madam Secretary faces an international crisis in Pakistan, while her teenage daughter faces her own crisis finding a date for the prom. Madam Secretary, tonight on CBS. (SIGHS HEAVILY) Is this the longest time-out of all time? Hey, Peter. So, um, anything interesting happen tonight? Yup. I finally peed that chunk of poo off the side of the bowl. You know the one you've been yelling at me about? Nobody called or anything? Nope. So, hey, uh, are you tipsy enough to let me have lazy Tony Soprano sex? You know, where-where I just lie there and arch my hips a little bit and breathe like a dying whale? Uh, I don't know. All right, well, just in case, I'll be upstairs getting into my boxers and black socks. (PANTING HEAVILY) Do you think it's possible he actually has an illegitimate child? I don't know, but something's going on, because I'm telling you, he lied right to my face. Sometimes friends put wine out for each other. I just don't understand it. I mean, we don't keep secrets in this house. We didn't even keep the Pop Secret's secret. Psst. Hey, did you hear? Hear what? Orville Redenbacher is gay. But he has a son. He's in the commercial. His son's gay, too. They're both gay. They have sex parties in the Hollywood Hills. It sounds like you're just making up stories about your competitors. You're gay, too. - What? - (KISSING NOISES) Aah! You're a psycho! Dad, you're never gonna believe what Chris, meet Orville Redenbacher and his son. Watch. And that's where we get the expression "gay as a bag of popcorn. " All right, I'll see you later. What? Where are you going? Laser tag orientation. Well, that's obviously not true. Yeah, that boy got lie-arrhea. Oh, my God. I-I got to follow him, find out where he's really going. Good idea. If I was you, I'd stick to him like glue-arrhea. Okay, I think I'm starting to crack your code. Quick, Brian, I need your car. I don't know, Lois. You're not on the insurance, and I don't think that (MOANING) (KNOCKING) MAN: Fruit Bouquet for Brian Griffin? Happy birthday, buddy. (TIRES SCREECHING) What the hell? Peter, what are you doing here? Lois! Uh, uh I was I'm just, uh, shopping. Yeah, I'll-I'll take a large sperm, please. Nice going, now you've ruined Christmas. Peter Griffin, you tell me what's going on right now. (SIGHS) Okay, fine, I'll be honest with you. A long while back, just before we got married, I was a little short of cash. What, to buy our rings? No, I wanted to pay for dial-up modem impression classes. See? (DIAL-UP MODEM BEEPING, STATIC CRACKLING) Wow, that's pretty good. I (IMITATES AOL VOICE): You've got mail. Okay, but hang on. You were a sperm donor? Yeah, I'd-I'd almost forgotten about it, but then last night, I get this call from a woman who says she's my daughter. Peter, that was me. I was prank calling you. You what?! I can't believe you would do that to me! MAN: Can you guys argue elsewhere? You're making it tough to finish in here. MAN 2: No, fight louder! Call her a bitch! But I don't understand. Why did you come here today? 'Cause that call last night gave me a scare. I figured if I do have a kid out there, I want to make sure they're not giving out my information. They're not supposed to; I signed a form. Hold on, Peter. I'm sorry I tricked you, but if you do have a child out there, isn't it only fair to let him or her meet you? Eh, maybe you're right. I mean, as long as we're here, maybe you should sign a consent form. Okay, yeah. All right, I'll do it. You know what? It feels good doing something nice for others. Like when I was a mentor for Kid Rock. Okay, I took a leak into this can of Busch Light without spilling. You're ready. You don't need me anymore. Will I see you again, Peter? Wherever a father weighs less than his daughter, I'll be there. Wherever someone has a banner for a football team as a curtain, I'll be there. Wherever there's a fight in a Waffle House, I'll be there. Now go. People need a concert to go to after the water park. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hi, is, uh, is Peter Griffin here? Oh, my God. Is everything okay? Yes, it's just you look just like What's going on? Who's this supermodel? I'm Katie. I'm your daughter. You're what? Holy crap! Yeah, I hope you don't mind the drop-in, but the, uh, the sperm bank said it was okay to contact you. Wow, I guess, I guess I just didn't expect this so soon. Well, we were all pretty excited to meet you. What do you mean "we"? ALL: Hi, Dad! We're all your children. We came from your semen. "Semen. " (LAUGHS LIKE PETER) (ALL LAUGHING LIKE PETER) - "Semen. " - "Semen. " Ha-ha! Oh, sorry. Wrong house. Look, Eddie's at the wrong house. - Ha-ha! - Ha-ha! - Ha-ha! - Ha-ha! (LIVELY CHATTER) Peter, how many times were you a sperm donor? Only once, but I had just seen Uma Thurman in Beautiful Girls, so it was kind of a ka-blamo. You ever seen those videos where they put Mentos in Diet Coke? Uh, listen, I want all of you to know how happy we are to meet you. In fact, this calls for a celebration. Can you all stay for dinner? Aw, we'd love that. Wouldn't we, guys? Yeah, absolutely. You said it, babe. Yeah, Chinese Peter very hungry. Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down there, Lois. Just 'cause they're my kids and they all look like me doesn't mean we have anything in common. (FARTS NOTES FROM CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND) (GASPS) (FARTS NOTES FROM CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND) Daddy. (FARTS NOTES FROM CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND) (FARTS THE SAME NOTES) (ALL FARTING RAPIDLY IN HARMONY) I've never felt proud of any of my children until now. This is so exciting. For years, I have dreamed of one day traveling from Bavaria to play the accordion for my birth family. May I? (DISCORDANT ACCORDION PLAYING) I have just one question for you. What are those?! Oh, I get that because this comedy has just made it to Germany. Wow, you look exactly like me. (RUSSIAN ACCENT): Yes, I'm not actually part of sperm donation thing. I'm your secret clone. We have been Orphan Black-ed and you soon will be dead. (SILENCED GUNSHOT) LOIS: Meg, where are you? (MEG'S VOICE): I'm right here, Mom. Well, look at your fine ass. Are you talking to me? Damn right. I've been looking around this whole house for something to nibble on. I think I just found it. So many confusing feelings! - Dad. - Sex. Black woman. Historically-low mortgage rates. Ah! I got to go buy a house. Lois, Lois. Can I keep the little person Peter? No. They're too much work. But I'll take care of it. I promise. You always say that, and I'm the one who ends up feeding him and walking him and doing all the clean up. Excuse me, I'm a candidate for a doctorate in Classics at Wesleyan. It talks! Lois, it talks! (GRUNTS) Whoa, that was close. You almost dipped one of your yabbos in the marinara. Let me help you with those. Well, thank you. That's so sweet. You're the first person who looks anything like my husband who's offered to help in any way. Oh, you must be Peter's wife, Lois. I'm Larry. It's nice to meet you, Larry. Weird hands-full pinky shake? I got to tell you, it's so strange, you look so much like Peter when I first met him. Well, I'm guessing you look exactly the same, too. You're in such great shape. Well, I do have tiny blue weights in my garage. (BOTH LAUGH) (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh, hi, Larry. Hi, Lois. Is Peter here? Larry, it's only 2:00 in the afternoon. Peter's still sleeping off last night's party. Then why why are you still in your pajamas and bathrobe? Oh, that's because I'm depressed. Is that why that sad Shel Silverstein blob is following you around? Who would ever (BLEEP) me? Anyway, we didn't really get a chance to finish our conversation yesterday, and I thought maybe we could grab some lunch together. Huh. That would give me a reason to get dressed today. Oh. Would you, uh, like to join us? That didn't sound like a real invitation. See, this is why no one ever wants to (BLEEP) you. Thank you again for lunch, Larry. Sorry I drew so many Nazi symbols on the place mat. - I was just nervous. - That's okay. I just wish we hadn't gone to a kosher restaurant. Ugh, but look at me. I got ice cream all over my fingers. Do you have a napkin? No, but let me help you clean it off. Larry, are you turned on or starving? Can't it be both? (BONES SNAP) - Mm. - Mm. Wow, Larry, that was unexpected. Shh, we'll discuss this later. - I have to get back to my high school - Oh. - Where I work - Oh. - As a janitor - Oh. - To pay for medical school - Oh. - That I'm building - Oh! - Out of Popsicle sticks. - Oh. That big one doesn't blink a lot, does he? Hey, Lois, where's your purse? Me and some of my kids are going to the movies. By the way, Dwarf Peter died. I didn't know what he ate, so I gave him nothing. His name was Tyler. He had a name. Everything you say, you say with pride. I like that about you. Anyway, where's Larry? Maybe he wants to go to the movie. Larry? Why would I know where Larry is? And who is Larry? Well, never mind. All right, everybody bring your phones so we can text each other during the movie. Wow, you want to tell me what that was? Oh, Brian, Larry and I sort of crossed a line yesterday. I don't know, he's just so sweet and fun-loving, and for God's sake, he looks just like Peter did when he was his age. Yeah, but? Well, he kissed me and I kind of let him. I told him it could never happen again and that What are you doing? Oh, I-I thought that was kind of like, "I'm open for business. " No! I'm confiding in a friend. Oh! You're the safe friend. Look, I feel awful about it, but I told Larry that was it, and we couldn't be anything more than friends. So, you're still gonna see him? Yes, of course; he's a nice young man and he's practically family. ZOLOFT BLOB: Lois! No! Zoloft Blob, don't! (GUNSHOT) (GROANS) Is everything okay? Yeah, I-I'm fine, I just hurt my neck this morning vigorously nodding approval to Judge Judy. Okay, all right, the doctor is in. Come on, back it up over here. Somebody's got a neck massage coming. Ah, right there. Okay, but let's keep this friendly. You can choke me for just a second. You know, maybe I should just go ahead and do your whole back. Yeah, your bra strap is getting in the way here. I'll just bite it off with my teeth. Lois, is a president stronger than a king? What the hell?! Oh, Peter. L-Look, calm down. We're just friends. H-He's just giving me a friendly massage. A friendly massage?! Yeah, and what do you care? When's the last time you did anything nice for me? I ate that gross pasta you made. I might as well just tell you, Peter. I'm in love with Lois. I knew it the moment we kissed. Kissed?! Is that true?! Yes, Peter, but I You son of a bitch! (GRUNTS) (PANTING) (GRUNTING) Everybody says, "We don't need a homeowners' association. That's stupid, Quagmire. " Well, this is why a homeowners' association. (GRUNTS IN SLOW MOTION) (GRUNTS) What the hell?! Lois?! What'd you do that for? I thought you and him were girlfriend and boyfriend. He was not my boyfriend, Peter. And I wasn't about to stand by and watch him kick your ass. I was holding my own there. You were getting beat up. No, no, I meant I was holding my own nuts so he wouldn't kick them. But if he's not your boyfriend, why'd you kiss him? He kissed me. And I should've told you. I'm sorry if I hurt you, Peter. I guess Larry just reminded me of a younger version of you, and the truth is, I liked that he was paying me a little attention, the way you used to. (SIGHS) Maybe I have been taking you for granted, but I promise I'll make it up to you. I'll be the best husband ever. You already are. For God's sakes, when push came to shove, you stood toe-to-toe with a much younger man and fought for me. Oh, hey, by the way, uh, thanks, all my kids, for stepping in to help. Really, really appreciate that. But you're right, Lois. I'm gonna change. I'm gonna do all the stuff for you that Larry was doing. No, Peter, I don't need any of that. At our age, all I'm really looking for in a husband is someone who wants to watch TV with me on a Saturday night and isn't afraid to pop a zit on my back. "Afraid"? I love doing that. It's like bubble wrap you get to have sex with every now and then. I got a pretty good one going right now, Peter. You always do, Lois. I love you. Mm. NARRATOR: From that day forward, Peter and Lois never again Ooh, nope, sorry, there's still another scene left. Well, Peter, turns out your initial instinct was right. You never should've let any of your children contact you. You said it. From now on, I'm making sure my sperm stays right where it belongs: in the bathroom sink. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS LIKE PETER) (LAUGHS LIKE PETER) (ALL LAUGHING LIKE PETER) (PETER'S VOICE): We have fun down here.