Survival of the Idiots

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Survival of the Idiots" from season 2, which aired on March 5, 2001.

Plot
(SpongeBob and Patrick are running down the block jumping up and down, disfiguring themselves in the process. They're shouting assorted things about going to Sandy's house. Then, they stop in mid-run when they see Sandy's treedome is enclosed with metal walls. The two walk up to the door, which has a "Keep Out" sign on it)

SpongeBob: Sandy? (they enter) Hey Sandy, what's with the sign?

(the two walk up to a TV which shows Sandy in a nightgown eating acorns)

Patrick: Look, she's on the Eating Channel.

Sandy (on TV): (fills mouth with acorns and painfully swallows) Howdy! (eats more nuts) If y'all are watching this, that means I'm asleep for the winter. This sleep is called hibernation. ("HIBERNATION" appears on the bottom of the screen) (Sandy eats more nuts) During hibernation, animals don't like to be woken up. So do not disturb. (sternly) That means you, SpongeBob.

(Patrick turns the TV off and puts on Sponge's water helmet and his own)

Patrick: We better put these on.

SpongeBob: Never mind, Pat. Sandy said not to come in. Let's am-scray.

(Patrick pushes the button, letting all the water drain out of the front foyer)

Patrick: When are you gonna learn, SpongeBob? "No" means "yes"!

SpongeBob: Patrick, listen, how many times do we have to-?

Patrick: SpongeBob, look at this! (Sandy's treedome is covered in snow and it's snowing. Sponge gasps and walks in)

SpongeBob: What is this stuff? (pan around the treedome)

Patrick: It's a vast, swirling wonderland of sparkling white pleasure. Let it fill your senses with cascading, fluffy pillows of excitement and comfort as you've never felt before.

SpongeBob: (teary-eyed)Wow, Pat, that was beautiful!

Patrick: What, I was just reading this candy bar wrapper, see? (he hands Sponge the wrapper. Sponge gasps)

SpongeBob: Patrick! Put your helmet back on! (Pat has taken his helmet off and is eating the snowflakes) You know there's no water in Sandy's house!

Patrick: It's okay, SpongeBob. This stuff is water! Look! (Pat lets a flake land on his tongue and it melts into water)

SpongeBob: I guess you're right. It's okay here!

Patrick: Take it off. No one's looking. (Sponge does so and the two cheer and burrow themselves in the snow. They pop back up with noses made of snow. Then, they hear a weird sound, like Sandy snoring) SpongeBob, did you hear that?

SpongeBob: I think it came from Sandy's tree.

Patrick: That is one tired tree.

SpongeBob: Let's check it out. (cut to inside Sandy's tree where Sponge and Pat come in. They both gasp) Look what's in Sandy's bed! (they walk over to the bed, where Sandy is asleep in hibernation form, looking like some weird squirrel-like monster)

Patrick: Looks like an over-inflated Sandy doll!

SpongeBob: I think this thing is Sandy.

Patrick: Hibernation must mean the opposite of beauty sleep.

Sandy: (snoring, talking in sleep) I've had enough of your dastardly deeds, Dirty Dan. I'm gonna get you and your partner, Pinhead Larry or my name ain't Sheriff Sandy. (snores)

SpongeBob: (giggles) She must be dreaming about Texas outlaws. (the two giggle) Look out Sandy, I'm Dirty Dan.

Sandy: I'm gonna catch you and throw you in jail at taxpayers' expense.

SpongeBob: Oh, you better run faster, Sandy.

Patrick: Yeah! I'm getting away! Faster! (Sandy moves her arms and legs)

SpongeBob: Hurry, we're getting in a taxi!

Patrick: Faster, faster! (the two giggle)

Sandy: I'll get you two. You're nothing but pure evil! Just like newspaper comics. (snores off to sleep, the two giggle again)

SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick. We shouldn't disturb her anymore.

Patrick: That's not disturbing. This is disturbing. (Patrick struggles to create a talking face that protrudes from his back) Hi there, SpongeBob. My name is Patback.

SpongeBob: Ha! That is really disturbing! (the two laugh uncontrollably. Cut to Sandy, her eye shoots open. A giant shadow looms over SpongeBob and Patrick. Patrick stops laughing while SpongeBob continues to laugh)

Patrick: Uh, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: (stops laughing) Huh? (Sandy is really mad now, she's steaming and roaring. Sponge and Pat run, but Sandy has them both by the britches. They run in mid-air anyway)

Patrick: Faster, SpongeBob! She's gaining on us!

SpongeBob: Sandy, no! Stop!

Sandy: I warned you, Dirty Dan! Now you've just crossed the border into Hurtville!

SpongeBob: Sandy, it's us, your friends! SpongeBob and Patrick!

Patrick: Please Sandy, I can't afford dry-cleaning!

Sandy: Gonna skin ya and make a pair of size six? boots. (she falls asleep and drops the two. They inch away and see Sandy fall back into her bed)

Patrick: Fun's over.

SpongeBob: Whew, we sure don't want to wake her up again. Too bad we don't have any earplugs to put on her.

Patrick: Yeah, all's I got is this bellybutton lint. (he takes the lint out of its designated area. It somehow forms into the shape of earmuffs)

SpongeBob: All right, Pat! (he takes them and crawls over to the bed. Pat follows. Sponge puts the earmuffs on Sandy)

Sandy: I'm gonna rip your arms off? and flapjacks? (snores)

SpongeBob: Well, that oughta work.

Patrick: (loudly) Hey Sandy, does it work? (Sponge and Pat look at each other and raise their eyebrows repeatedly and in symmetry)

SpongeBob: Hey Sandy, if you can't hear us, don't say anything!

Patrick: Hey Sandy, don't wake up! (the two giggle, Sponge takes a megaphone up to Sandy and yells into it)

SpongeBob: See ya later, Sheriff Sandy! (laughs, the two run down to the snowy plains and act like outlaws, with that drawling voice) You're under arrest!

Patrick: You'll never catch me! (giggles, he makes a snowball and throws it at Sponge's face. They both laugh. Pat starts to make another one, but he's hit by a giant mound of snow. Sponge fired it from a giant snow cannon) Hey that's not fair! Cowboys couldn't afford cannons.

SpongeBob: They couldn't afford station wagons either! (he shoots one out at Pat)

Patrick: Nice paneling.

SpongeBob: All right, Pinhead. Your time is up! (cut to Pat, who looks like a cone-head)

Patrick: Who you calling Pinhead? I want to be Dirty Dan!

SpongeBob: What makes you think you can be Dirty Dan?

Patrick: I'm dirty. (he's hit on the head by a giant snow shovel that Sponge has)

SpongeBob: I say I'm Dirty Dan. (Pat runs off and returns with a giant board with a nail in it made of snow and whacks Sponge with it)

Patrick: I say I'm Dirty Dan! (the two repeatedly hit each other arguing about who Dirty Dan is. Inside the tree, Sandy humbly sleeps? until the lint earmuffs fall off. Cut back to outside, where Sponge screams when he sees something) Screaming will get you no- (Sandy's arm reaches out and grabs Pat's forehead and rips it off. We see Sandy is really ticked off now)

Sandy: Which one of you fellas is the real Dirty Dan?

Patrick: Uh? I am? (Sandy slaps Pat all the way across the treedome)

SpongeBob: Patrick! (Pat slams against the dome and little drumsticks float around his head)

Patrick: Hot wings? (cut back to Sandy and Sponge)

Sandy: Okay, Pinhead Larry, now you get yours! (Sponge runs off as Sandy pounds the ground where he was standing) (bellowing) PINHEAD!!! (Sponge whimpers and runs, Sandy is close behind. Sponge later doesn't seem to be going far because she's right in front of Sandy on the exercise wheel. He slips and gets flung across the wheel. He flies off and slams into the picnic table, leaving a giant crater in its place. Sandy leans over the crater) Now you're gonna pay for those crimes, Pinhead! (Sponge picks up a wood board)

SpongeBob: Sandy, stay back. I'm warning ya! (Sandy roars right in Sponge's face) Okay, I warned ya! (Sponge throws the wood board, Pat pops up for no reason)

Patrick: Did you win? (he's hit by the board and rolls down the crater to Sponge's feet) Hi SpongeBob! (Sandy leaps down the crater, Sponge and Pat scream as a giant cloud simulating a fight appears. Cut to the treedome at night where two gravestones are in front of Sandy's: one for Dirty Dan, one for Pinhead Larry. Pat and Sponge come up from under the snow in respective tombstone order) Okay, SpongeBob, you can be Dirty Dan. I just want to be Patrick!

SpongeBob: Let's get out of here before Sandy wakes up again! (the two run to the door and Sponge tries his best to open it. His extended arm loses grip and smacks Pat in the face) Sorry Patrick, but the door is slippery! It's frozen shut!

Patrick: Let me have a try. (he goes up to the door and spits on both hands, preparing to open the door) Open sesame! (nothing happens, Patrick shrugs) Well, I've done all I can do.

SpongeBob: Then we're stuck in here? until the door thaws? in spring.

Patrick: Barnacles. (cut to much later, where Sponge and Pat are completely buried in snow, shivering and blue) Is it spring yet?

SpongeBob: N-n-n-no. (Pat and Sponge's snow covering on their faces breaks off)

Patrick: I'm so cold that I'm shivering! (a piece of Pat's side of his head cracks off, revealing his brain. Sponge snaps off his two nose drippings and clicks them together)

SpongeBob: I'm so cold that I can use my nose drippings as a pair of chopsticks!

Patrick: I'm so cold that? I'm shivering!

SpongeBob: Maybe we should build a fire. I got it! We'll burn the bark from Sandy's tree! (Sponge begins to pull a strip of bark off the tree but he's stopped by Sandy's booming voice)

Sandy: (off-screen) You're gonna be wearing an iron lung when I'm through with you, Pinhead! (Sponge quickly puts the strip back on and masking-tapes it on. Sponge goes back to Pat)

SpongeBob: The fire's not going to happen, Patrick. I don't get it! How does Sandy survive these intense conditions every year?

Patrick: Maybe she just ignores it.

SpongeBob: Maybe?

Patrick: Maybe?

SpongeBob: Maybe it's her fur! (cut to a shot of a real-life squirrel)

SpongeBob & Patrick: Yeah! (cut to inside the tree where Sponge and Pat marvel at Sandy's fur)

SpongeBob: Look at all that warm, toasty fur!

Patrick: It's like a gold mine? but with fur. (Sponge ever so slowly goes to pluck a hair off Sandy)

SpongeBob: Carefully? carefully? (Pat smacks him)

Patrick: Come on, do it! I'm freezing here!

SpongeBob: All right, all right, hang on a second! (he plucks one hair off and Sandy jumps up from her sleep and roars ferociously. Then goes back to sleep) That should be enough, right? (Pat takes the hair)

Patrick: Sponge, I'm a big man. A big, BIG man!

SpongeBob: Well, I guess I've lived a full life! (he plucks one more hair, causing the same reaction with Sandy)

Patrick: This is taking too long! I want the warm now! (he takes a piece of masking tape, places it on Sandy, and rips it off, leaving a long hole where her fur used to be. Sandy roars and goes back to sleep)

SpongeBob: Pat, are you crazy? (we see Pat has placed the fur on his forehead)

Patrick: No, I'm warm.

SpongeBob: Let me see that roll of tape. (as we pan out from the tree, we hear the tape ripping out Sandy's fur and her roaring. Cut to later, Pat comes out of the tree with a strip of hair on his forehead and his pants full of fur. Sponge comes out with a weird fur hairdo and a goatee.)

Patrick: Man, that fur really hits the spot! No more frozen armpits. (he lifts his arm up, revealing fur under it)

SpongeBob: And this eyebrow/goatee combo works like a charm. This is the best idea we've ever had.

Patrick: You said it!

SpongeBob: I'm ready for the longest, coldest winter ever!

SpongeBob & Patrick: Bring it on! (just then, all the snow stops and melts. It's springtime again, flowers bloom)

SpongeBob: Spring?

Sandy (off screen): (yawns) Wow, spring already?

(SpongeBob and Pat run frantically to the door, but it hasn't thawed yet)

SpongeBob: Tartar sauce! The lock is still frozen!

Sandy: (off-screen): I sure can't wait to go outside and warm my fur!

(SpongeBob and Pat frantically blow on the door handle until it melts. Sandy peeks out the window)

Sandy: Oh look, it's SpongeBob and Patrick! (with that, SpongeBob and Patrick go crazy trying to open the door)

(Sandy walks over, hairless and in her bikini)

Sandy: Hey, guys!

(sees all the different fur assortments the two are wearing. She looks down at her bald pink body and screams)

Sandy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SpongeBob: It's okay, Sandy. Squirrel pattern baldness is quite common in small mammals! (Pat hides his furry forehead piece. Sandy is really ticked now)

Sandy: SpongeBob... Patrick...

SpongeBob: Don't worry, Sandy, we've got you covered. (giggles nervously. Cut to Sandy's arm pouring some lemonade, she giggles)

Sandy: (giggles)More lemonade, boys? (pan out to see that Patrick is curled around Sandy's head and SpongeBob is curled around Sandy's body, in order to cover up her baldness. The two take a glass)

SpongeBob & Patrick: Thanks, Sandy.

Sandy: Spring suuure is lovely.