Dr. Yap

I'm a human spray bottle!

Kids, just 'cause your father's not here, doesn't mean you can spit-shine the tables.

Is Dad ever coming back?

I don't know if it means anything, but when he kissed me good-bye this morning, he said "Goodbye Louise! I'll never ever see you again!"

He's just at the dentist, Louise.

Dr. Yap is dreamy.

When he's looking at my molars, it's like he's looking right into my soul.

Well I'm glad you like the dentist, Tina, but your father doesn't feel the same way.

Getting him there is like pulling teeth.

(laughs)

Get it?!

(anxious sigh) I don't like the OK of you.

(feminine voice): "You can trust me, Bob."

Yeah, but what about your friend?

He looks really scary.

(deep voice): I'm-a cut ya.

(screams) Dr. Yap will be right with you.

(high-pitched): Okay. Don't touch the instruments. They're sterile.

So, it's okay, we're friends.

No, it's not okay.

You're not supposed to touch the instruments.

I was being serious.

Right, right, I'm sorry, yeah. Of course.

Those aren't their voices.

I know.

(door bell jingles)

Guess who's on new meds!

Gayle! What a surprise!

Look, kids, your Aunt Gayle is here.

Oh, my God.

You didn't even call.

Who does that?

Just you.

And she brought a suitcase.

This is the first stop on my Eat, Pray, Love trip around the world.

All right!

Aunt Gayle got her groove back... sexy.

I'll only be here for a few days, on my way to lndonesia.

Or maybe just home again and order lndonesian take-out.

(grunts hungrily)

All right, well, let me take your stuff upstairs.

What's up with Linda lately?

Wait, I brought gifts!

I picked them out at a truck stop.

For you Tina, a cassette tape.

The original motion picture soundtrack to Milk.

Cool.

And for Louise... four-hour energy drink.

I saved you the last 45 minutes.

Thank you!

And finally, for Gene, a jawbreaker.

(gasps)

I got candy!

No fair!

(laughs)

I'll challenge you for it.

What kind of challenge?

Why don't you guys have a hug-of-war?

Done!

No, wait, wait! That's not fair!

I love you! I love you!

We can't use strength in this!

Meh.

Whoever makes the grossest drink gets the jawbreaker.

Tina, you'll be the judge.

Okay.

Yeah.

♪ Doo-wah, a little bit of butter, a little bit of dirt ♪ ♪ Little bit of dirt, whoo ♪

Hey.

I need that!

Stop it!

Give it back!

Bob's at the dentist today, so I gotta watch the kids and the restaurant.

Well, why don't I take'em and go pick up Bob when he's ready?

I've always wanted to drive a car.

Oh, thank you!

Ah, the new Gayle is happy and helpful... I love it.

(gulping)

(coughing)

The use of dust from the floor was risky, but it paid off.

I almost threw up.

Louise wins.

Yes!

(grunts)

Mmm!

Hey, there, Bob.

Ready to party?

(muffled): Yeah.

Ugh, what a day.

What happened?

I had a patient in here earlier and I accidentally stuck a needle through his cheek.

Just... I hate Mondays.

Oh...

Uh, no, wait, wait, wait!

Uh, wait, Dr. Yap, what is that?

Oh, that?

That's Greta.

What'd you say, Greta?

Huh? You ticklish?

You're ticklish?

You want me tickle you?

You want me tickle you?!

You have a really great relationship with your guitar.

(playing funky guitar lick)

Ah, no, wait, wait, wait.

What's, uh...

What's that?

Oh, that's me at my $30,000 time share.

I own it with six other families.

Three times out of the year, I can go up there any time I want to.

That sounds amaz...

Wait, wait! What's that?

That, my friend, is my latest graduation medallion... from The Persuasion Arts.

It's the ancient art of picking up women.

We follow The Prince of Persuasia's three-step program, and it works!

The Prince of Persuasia?

Mm-hmm. He's a prophet.

And for three payments of $900, he can be your best friend.

$900?

That's right, Bob.

Your negligent flossing habits are funding my one way ticket to Pound Town.

Yeah. Well, I... Ow!

I'll tell you all about it when you get back from Snooze City.

Pound Town...

I don't wanna see Pound Town.

♪ Town of the pound... ♪

Hello, Dr. Yap.

Hi, Dr. Yap.

Oh, hey, Dr. Yap.

Funny running into you here.

Hello, Belcher children and lady I don't know.

I'm Bob's sister-in-law Gayle.

Bob never mentioned he had a semi-attractive sister-in-law.

Thank you. Bob never mentioned he had a dentist.

(giggles)

(chuckles)

He's in Room One.

Hey, baby.

You look funny.

Did you bring any honey for these biscuits?

Oh!

(Bob growls playfully)

Oh, it's been a long time since my pillows got fluffed.

You're stupid.

Let's go home.

For Christmas, I want to get Dr. Yap a subscription to Highlights.

He loves that magazine.

I'm gonna get him some laughing gas from my private tank.

I'm gonna give him my business, from all this jawbreaking.

Mm...

(groans)

Come on, baby, give me a smooch.

Oh, we shouldn't...

(both moaning)

Your tongue feels so much different than my cat's.

I guess we could go around the block one more time.

(nervous laugh)

Wait a second, ah...

Whoo!

(moans)

Aah! Gayle!

What are you doing here?

I can't believe we did that, Bob.

That was a huge mistake.

We can't do it again.

Although we both want to.

What are you talking about?

She's my sister, Bob!

Linda can never know.

Know what?

You don't remember?

We made love.

What?!

With our mouths.

W-Wait a minute.

We kissed?

Yes, Bob.

In the car.

After you fondled my buttocks at the dentist's office.

But Linda picked me up from the...

Bob: Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Oh, God...

All these years, Bob, you could only keep those feelings bottled up for so long.

Now... you're my boyfriend.

Oh, God. Listen, Gayle, I was heavily drugged, okay?

Tell no one.

Wait, no, no.

Gayle? Gayle?!

Oh, no...

What do I tell Linda?

(whispers): Nothing.

(screams)

Louise: Mmm...

(growls)

Mm!

Okay, new challenge!

Whoever can listen to Teddy tell that story about his wel's the longest wins the jawbreaker.

Okay, I'm game.

Hi Teddy. What was that thing you were saying the other day, about your towels?

Oh, about how I noticed my two towels were slightly different colors?

Fascinating.

Uh-huh.

Right, and I was thinking, were they the same color when I bought them?

Or have I washed one more than the other over the years?

Great! That's it, huh?

No, go on. There's more.

What?

Well, what do I do now?

Do I wash the other one intensely to get it to match?

Do I return them?

Do I pretend I never noticed?

Can I still use them as guest towels?

When am I gonna have guests?

I don't know.

I don't know!

What do I do?

(groaning)

You bought some at an estate sale once, didn't you?

Oh, no, he didn't!

Oh, did I tell you about that?

No! You win!

(laughs)

I'll wait till Louise gets back.

She loves my stories.

Lin, we need to talk.

Something happened earlier today.

I know.

You went to the dentist.

I'm so proud of my little Bobby Baby Teeth.

Linda, I kissed your sister.

I was on drugs that the dentist gave me and I-I thought it was you, and now, your sister thinks we're going steady or something.

That... is... wonderful!

Y-You're not upset?

(laughing): No, I'm not upset.

Gayle is finally feeling happier and healthier, and you want to give her whatever she needs, Bobby.

Whatever she needs?!

What if, what if she wants to have s*x with me?

Whatever she needs.

s*x?!

Gayle's always wanted whatever I had.

I let her believe she was "dating" my high school boyfriend Carl for three years.

Three years?!

And after she dated Carl, she had the confidence to go after Vinny.

I'totally lost.

You're Carl.

And, eventually, she'll find herself another Vinny.

Now go get cleaned up for dinner.

You have to look nice.

(singsongy): ♪ I know someone who likes you. ♪

So, Gayle, are you seeing anyone right now?

Funny you should ask.

I actually just met someone.

I feel like a teenager again.

Except my breasts are more even now.

Bob: Uh...

It's like biting into a piece of forbidden fruit... unwashed fruit... so dirty...

(grunts)

This isn't happening.

Gayle: I mustn't, I mustn't, but I mustn't not.

(shouts)

Linda, hallway, now.

She had her toes on my crotch.

I can't do this anymore, Lin.

No, no, this is working.

Now let's go have dessert.

Who wants cookie dough ice cream?!

Me!

Yay!

(deep voice): And me!

Gayle: ♪ One way or another ♪ ♪ I'm gonna find ya, Bob, I'm gonna getcha, Bob ♪ ♪ I'll getcha getcha getcha ♪ ♪ One way or another ♪ ♪ I'm gonna win ya ♪ ♪ I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha ♪ ♪ One way or another, I'm gonna see ya ♪ ♪ I'm gonna meetcha, Bob, I'll meetcha meetcha ♪ ♪ One day, maybe next week, Bob ♪ ♪ I'm gonna meetcha, I'm gonna meetcha, I'll meetcha... ♪

No!

(Peter Frampton voice): ♪ Your tooth is a king now ♪ ♪ It's got a crown on it... ♪

(laughs)

That's funny.

So, you got any plans this weekend?

Well, I have a family, so I don't really make plans. Yeah, I was gonna go up to my time share in the mountains; I invited my new hygienist.

But she can't come.

And she quit.

You guys could go up if you want.

You practically paid for half of it.

Ah, no. No, thanks.

Besides, my wife's sister is in town, so...

Oh, you mean the amateur brunette mature that picked you up?

(chuckles)

I'd let that happen.

Wait! Yes!

You're Vinny!

Let's go skiing! Allf us: You, Gayle, everyone!

Boom.

Yes, boom!

What about kids?

Can you handle some kids?

Hell, yeah.

It's biologically proven that children lead to sexual intercourse and vice versa.

(Frampton voice): ♪ Children lead to intercourse. ♪

Hm, I wouldn't phrase it like that.

Really? You wouldn't?

(Gene grunts happily)

The jawbreaker may be going up the mountain with you, but it is coming down with me.

What was that, Louise?

I couldn't hear you with my jawbreaker in my ear.

Get it out of there!

Rubby-rub, ear, ear.

Hey, enough! We're Dr. Yap's guests for the night, so behave, or else.

Yeah, don't embarrass me.

Let's just act like a normal family on vacation with their sexy dentist.

Yeah...

(laughing): Oop! Watch your face!

(laughing)

Look at that.

It's working already.

I told you.

You make her feel good about herself and she's Dr. Yap's problem.

Your work is done.

So no more kissing my sister, you. (laughs)

What? Huh?

Hmm?

Um, that's an expression for... peeing in the shower.

I'm not gonna pee in the shower anymore.

Why? Why doesn't he get to do that?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. Why can't I?

And why bring it up now?

It goes right down the drain.

You know what?

Let's all kiss our sister.

(kids cheer)

It seems like you and Dr. Yap are really hitting it off.

You planned the perfect cover for us to have a romantic getaway.

What? No. No cover. No.

You pretend to flirt with Linda, I'll fake-flirt with Dr. Yap and then we can sneak off and hit the slopes... my slopes!

Let there be light.

Welcome to the Yap Trap!

You caught me.

I'll give you guys a grand tour.

Linda, Bob, this is your room.

Soundproof walls.

(quietly): So don't hold back.

I can yell anything I want; no one can hear me!

Gene (muffled): I love my family!

Gene.

And here's the kids' room.

Mirrors on the ceiling.

Hey Dr. Yap, look up.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Okay, see you back in real life.

Hi.

That's funny.

There's only one more bedroom but two people left.

Me and Gayle.

Yeah, Gayle, this room looks comfy.

Why don't we just put your bags in here?

No. I think I'd rather stay with you and Linda.

Ho-ho, Lady Gayle.

Don't you worry.

We'll figure it out later.

And last, but not least...

"Jacooze."

(chuckles)

It doesn't get hot, but the bubbles still work.

(quietly): We can make it hot.

Hey, who's ready to go skiing?

Let's get dressed.

Yap, I thought you were hitting it off with Gayle.

What happened?

She's a fighter, Bob.

I like it.

And I have The Prince on my side.

Hello there, my brothers.

I almost didn't see you.

I am...

The Prince of Persuasia!

There are three steps to persuading women.

Step number one: Trap your princess.

Physically corner her in a room and eventually, in your life.

Step two: Insult your princess.

Insult her face, her body, her brain, her car.

The lower her self-esteem, the higher your chances, bro.

It's been biologically proven.

By me.

Step three: Brag.

Not lying, but close.

Make up a story about how you single-handedly murdered a wild animal.

Your story is going to release a hormone, deep inside her body, called lnsatia.

It makes women ovulate.

For s*x.

(quietly): Interesting.

Woop.

Oops.

Oops.

Oops. Whoops.

Well, Gene and Louise don't want to ski, but you guys, you want to take a lesson?

We don't need a lesson.

Are you serious?

You both know how to ski?

Tina and I came up here for the Tom Selleck charity event... Ski for Babies.

For every jump he went off, they were gonna give $100 to a baby.

Yeah, but he was a no-show.

All these people standing around with cameras.

And babies.

All right, fine.

I'll skip the lesson and figure it out as I go.

Whoo-hoo!

Lin!

Grab my hand!

Whah-ha!

Take me with you!

Sorry! Missed ya!

Aah!

Oh, God.

Step one: Trap him.

Oh, Bob.

This is our chance.

(groaning): Oh, Gayle.

No. We can't.

Not here.

It's too visible.

We should do it in the forest.

Right.

Or the parking lot.

Great.

Step two: Insult your princess.

Your face is fat.

No, it's not.

It's perfect. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

What's that?

♪ La, la, la! ♪

Livin' it up! ♪

Okay, we each shovel snow into our pants.

First person to give up, get hypothermia, or die, loses.

Okay.

(both grunting)

I'm fine.

I love it.

Yeah, I don't feel anything.

This is great.

Ahh...

This feels incredible!

(screaming)

Here you go.

Thank you very much.

(groans)

All right, I'll leave you two love birds alone.

See you at the bottom!

Yeah, last time I was out in the wilderness, I had to snap a wolf's neck while holding an orphan.

Bob!

Wait for me!

One time, in P.E., I beat a dog at basketball.

Playing hard to get, I see.

Playing hard to get, I see.

Here we go!

(James Bond-like espionage theme playing)

I love your ski suit, Dr. Yap.

What size are you?

I'm a men's petite six.

Ooh, big boy.

You wanna swap later?

Swapsies!

Last one down's a chimichanga!

Hey, Bob!

Let's look for a secluded part of the woods, so we can be alone.

No, thanks.

I'm good.

Uh! Aah!

Perfect.

I'll just follow your lnsatia trail.

(inhales deeply)

(sultry exhale)

(inhales deeply)

Ah! Ah!

(muffled): I'm okay.

Okay.

Who can build a better snowman?

Ho-oh!

Are you kidding me?

I practically majored in snowman building.

Nuh-uh-uh.

Up there...

Ooh...

Bob!

I'm gonna catch you!

Gayle!

This isn't funny!

I'm out of control!

Me, too!

Mine's name is Greglisa, the androgynous snowman!

He/She's from Thailand.

Mine is a self-portrait of me in the future, when I own a falcon who holds my jawbreaker for me.

(Bob and Louise scream)

(Gene screams)

No!

(laughing)

I win!

Hey, where's the jawbreaker?

Ow! Ow!

What the hell?

Oh, my God.

I broke my tooth.

Gayle: Finally, Bob.

We're alone.

Gayle, wait, I hurt myself.

I'm not wearing anything under my snowsuit.

Oh, my God!

Except for my long underwear.

And my socks.

And my other socks.

And a maxi pad.

Ow! Gayle!

This is serious.

I need Dr. Yap.

We don't need him anymore, Bob.

Bob: Ow!

Hi, Bob.

Dr. Yap!

Thank God you're here.

This one's here.

But this one's down here.

Gayle!

Bobby!

Linda. Good.

This has gone too far.

And I broke my tooth.

Tell everybody what's going on here.

These two were fooling around, Linda.

Oh, Linda, I am so sorry you had to witness our foreplay.

I can't believe this!

You're a hurtful slut, Bob!

I can't take this anymore, Lin.

You need to tell Gayle what's going on.

Enough's enough.

Ow! My tooth!

Stop! Lin, please, drop the act!

I'm in serious pain here!

Good!

It looks to me like you're in need of some serious dental work.

And a smack!

Ow!

I don't have any Novocain with me, Bob, so...

(Bob mumbles)

Unfortunately for you...

(mumbles)

... you'll be experiencing some pain.

(mumbling): Uh-uh.

A little pain might do him some good.

Bring him back to his senses.

No! I need drugs!

Let's tie his tooth to the front door and then order a pizza and tell the guy to let himself in.

That's stupid.

Let's tie it to a deer, and then tell the deer he's late for a meeting!

(mumbled): Gene.

We're two princes, Bob.

And we're going after the same princess.

(whispers): But only one of us has pliers.

(kisses)

Why'd you kiss me?

Stop it!

No! Noooo!

Yes!

I have Dad's tooth!

Who am I? Who am I?

(deep voice): I'm Dad!

Ow!

My tooth hurts!

Ow!

I want it!

Challenge me for it.

Whoever drinks the most Jacuzzi water wins!

Sold.

Yeah!

Dr. Yap, earlier today, I fell for you.

But after watching you torture my father, I think we should just be friends.

With dental benefits.

Okay.

Hey, now that Bob's out of the picture, maybe you and I could hop in the "Jacooze" for a nice cold dip, hmm?

Eh, let me know when Bob wakes up.

But... I-I did all three steps!

(woeful sigh)

Nobody likes me!

Aw, people like you.

(high-pitched squeals, sobs)

Shh, shh. Little baby.

Little baby.

You don't worry about Gayle, okay?

You're a good guy.

A real catch.

No! No!

Ow...

What happened?

You!

Linda wasn't enough, huh?

So you had to have Gayle, too?

Well, maybe if you dropped the whole persuasion thing, Gayle might actually pay attention to you.

Well, Linda pays attention to me.

In fact, she said she wanted to get in my snow suit.

Didn't you, Linda?

What?

I did?

You did?!

Wait a minute!

You're in love with Dr. Yap?!

Hmm... Yes!

I am in love with Dr. Yap.

You are?

Wait, what is going on here?

Well, that's too bad, because I'm in love with him.

I knew it from the moment we met that this short, weird, musky dentist was the man of my dreams.

Makes sense.

He's mine!

No, he's mine!

(both women grunting)

Who wants me more?

Don't be gentle.

No!

Come on, Dr. Yap.

Let's go.

See? It all worked out.

It all worked out?!

You slapped me.

I lost a tooth.

When I saw her on top of my Bobby, kissing him and touching him... oh, I went mental.

Well, I'll never kiss your sister again.

Next challenge!

First person to catch a squirrel wins!

I'm the Squirrel Whisperer.

But you put me up to this.

Yeah, well, I didn't appreciate seeing it with my own eyes.

But hey, at least we got to go skiing, right?

That was fun.

Right?

Gene: Got one!

No fair!

It's dead!

It's not dead.

It's sleeping.

Gene wins the tooth.

Come on!

Yeah!

Let's get out of here, squirrel.

The Prince: Dress like her dad.

It release a hormone called moan-a-tonin.

When you get into an elevator with a woman, press a higher number than her, and then make a big deal about it.

Push her in a lake.

Be one of the tallest guys in the bar, and brag about how long your butt-crack is.

Sing a song that you supposedly heard on the radio, and make fun of her for not knowing it.

Use the word "idiot."

Never make her pancakes.

Force her to make you pancakes, in the middle of the night.