Ren McCormack


 * [At the Peanuts school, the teacher is addressing the students (which of course is barely understood by the audience)]
 * Charlie Brown: A new kid? Oh, boy! Maybe he'll take over my position on the totem pole around here.
 * Lucy: You'll always be the shit catcher, Charlie Brown!
 * Sally: Well, whoever he is, he'll never replace my sweet baboo!
 * Linus: Oh, brother!
 * [new kid struts in]
 * Ren: Hey, everyone! My name's Ren. Ren McCormack.
 * Sally: Beat it! (pushes Linus away) Oh, hello!
 * Charlie Brown: You're just in time for our dance rehearsal. We're practicing a number for our Christmas pageant.
 * Ren: I love to dance! My last town banned dancing entirely. {silence} You might say dancing makes me feel footloose and fancy free. {silence} (sighs) Look, I'm Kevin Bacon's character from Footloose.
 * {still silence}
 * Schroeder: And a one, and a two.
 * {The characters start to dance their signature dance}
 * Ren: Oh my God, that is the worst dancing I have ever seen!
 * Pigpen: What do you mean?
 * Ren: I'm sorry, shit-box but your...
 * Pigpen: It's Pigpen.
 * Ren: Sorry.
 * Pigpen: It's okay. You made a lateral error, at best.
 * Ren: You're just repeating the same move over and over again. I mean, what 's this kid even doing?

[cuts to Shermy dancing the running man]
 * Shermy: I couldn't think of a dance! I panicked!
 * Ren: Sorry guys, I gotta get the fuck out of here. I would rather move back to a town with no dancing than stay here. (leaves)
 * Schroeder: And a one, and a two.

[The group resumes with their dancing, while Snoopy fantasizes about doing an 80s-style dance routine, then Snoopy is shot by an airplane before cutting back to Ren's school]
 * Kid: Good news, Ren! It turns out you can't outlaw dancing. It's unconstitutional!
 * Ren: Alright!
 * Kid: Yeah, but then they passed a new law and now we have to use creationist textbooks.
 * Ren: (stops dancing) Rats! (The same airplane returns and shoots Ren)