The Zazzy Substitution


 * (Amy and Sheldon are playing a game they invented.)
 * Sheldon: All right, I'm ready for my next question.
 * Amy (reads from a card): In a world where rhinoceroses are domesticated pets, who wins the second world war?
 * (Leonard is in the kitchen making a sandwich and suddenly looks on, curious and confused.)
 * Sheldon (after a short thought): Uganda.
 * Amy: Defend.
 * Sheldon: Kenya rises to power on the export of, a Central African Power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.
 * (Leonard stares at both of them, still confused.)
 * Amy: Correct, my turn.
 * (Leonard shakes his head, and goes back making his sandwich.)
 * Sheldon (reads from a card): In a world, where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does play, ""?
 * Amy (thinks for a moment): Tuned bayonets.
 * Sheldon: Defend.
 * Amy: Isn't it obvious?
 * Sheldon: You're right, my apologies.
 * Leonard: What the hell are you guys playing?
 * Sheldon (To Leonard): It's a game we invented. It's called "Counterfactuals".
 * Amy (To Leonard too): We postulate an alternate world that differs from ours in one key aspect and then pose questions to each other.
 * Sheldon (To Leonard again): It's fun for ages 8 to 80, join us.
 * (Leonard comes into the living room.)
 * Leonard: Alright, I like a good brain teaser, give it a whirl.
 * Sheldon (picks up a card): You're in luck, this is an easy one. (Reads from the card) In a world, where mankind is ruled by a giant, intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?
 * Leonard: Uh, a B.L.T., where the "B" stands for beaver? Ha?
 * Sheldon: Leonard, be serious, we're playing a game here.
 * Leonard: (coughs a bit) I can figure this out, let's see, um, well, beavers eat tree bark, the only tree bark I know that humans consume is cinnamon, so I'll say cinnamon.
 * Sheldon: Incorrect, obviously the answer is cheese Danish.
 * Leonard: What?
 * Amy: In a world, ruled by a giant beaver, mankind builds many dams to please the beaver overlord. The low-lying city of Copenhagen is flooded, thousands die, devastated, the Danes never invent their namesake pastry.
 * (Leonard stares at them, dazed.)
 * Amy: (To Sheldon) How does one miss that?
 * (Sheldon gives her a "I don't know" action.)
 * Leonard: This is ridiculous. You're just making stuff up.
 * Amy (To Sheldon): Is he always like this when he loses?
 * Sheldon: Oh, yes, you should have been here for the great Jenga tantrum of 2008.
 * Leonard (snidely remarks to Sheldon): You bumped the table and you know it.
 * (Sheldon gives Amy a "you see" gesture.)
 * Amy: Perhaps it would be kinder to play a game more suited to his abilities. (To Leonard) We'll close our eyes and count to ten while you hide.
 * Leonard (starts to leave): I'm going to my room.
 * Amy: Very good, Leonard, but next time, don't tell us where you're hiding.
 * (Leonard stares at them and then goes to his room.)


 * (Leonard, Howard and Raj are at The Cheesecake Factory, waiting for "Shamy".)
 * Leonard: Did you guys see the paper in the American Physics Journal on ? It's pretty interesting, this guy's working from a hypothesis...
 * Raj: Wait, spoiler alert, spoiler alert!
 * Leonard: What?
 * Raj: Don't ruin it for me man I printed out a PDF to read on the potty.
 * Howard: The potty, what are you, five?
 * Raj: It's a potty, what do you call it?
 * Howard: Toilet.
 * Raj: That's a little vulgar for the dinner table, don't you think?
 * Howard: Oh? And "potty", is OK?
 * Raj: Well potty's innocent, potty's adorable.
 * Howard: What do you do on the potty? Wee-Wee?
 * Raj: If I don't have to boom-boom.
 * (Sheldon and Amy come in.)
 * Sheldon: Greetings. You all remember Amy Farrah Fowler.
 * Howard: Hello.
 * Leonard: Sure, it's nice to see ya.
 * Amy: Hello.
 * Sheldon: Sorry we're late.
 * Amy: I must take responsibility. I had to stop for feminine hygiene supplies.
 * Leonard and Howard (feeling uneasy): Uh, OK, Oh.
 * Sheldon: I believe she's experiencing her menses.
 * Amy: Actually, I'm not. In order to avoid surprises, I wear them all the time.
 * Leonard and Howard (even more uncomfortable now): Uh, Oh, OK.
 * (Raj is feeling uncomfortable too and shakes his head in disgust.)
 * Howard (To Raj): Toilet's sounding pretty good now, huh.
 * (Raj nods, Penny comes in.)
 * Penny: Hey look, it's Shamy!
 * Amy: Shamy?
 * Sheldon: Eh, eh, juvenile amalgamation of our names Sheldon and Amy, Shamy.
 * Amy: Oh. (To Penny) I don't like that, don't do that.
 * Penny: Heh, all righty, what's new?
 * Amy: Well, just recently, I learned that you refer to us as Shamy and I don't like that.
 * Penny: Uh, I got it. But what I was going for was, you know, how's your life?
 * Amy: Like everybody else's. Subject to entropy, decay, and eventual death. Thank you for asking. (To Sheldon) Why is she not taking our order?
 * Sheldon: I should have warned you one has to navigate a labyrinth of social nonsense before one can be fed here."
 * (Penny looks angry.)
 * Amy: Really? I assumed an establishment called "The Cheesecake Factory" would function more efficiently.
 * Sheldon: It's how they lure you in, I believe it's called, "Bait and Switch".
 * (Amy nods in agreement.)
 * Penny: OK, I'm just gonna walk away, 'cause, I don't wanna be here.
 * (Penny leaves, without taking the groups' order. All are in short silence.)
 * Leonard: So this is nice. First time, we've all gotten together to eat.
 * Amy (To Sheldon): You're right, he's a festival of hum-drum chit-chat.
 * (Sheldon gives her a "I told you so" look. Leonard gets annoyed.)
 * Leonard: OK that's all I got, Howard you're up.
 * Howard (To Amy): Um, tell us about your work, Amy.
 * Amy (To Howard): I'd doubt you'd understand. Sheldon tells me you only have a Master's degree.
 * (Howard becomes very angry.)
 * Howard: Raj, do you have any questions for Amy?
 * (Raj just shakes his head.)
 * Amy (To Sheldon): I'm curious as to why we're not eating alone.
 * Sheldon: They can't function without me. I'm the social glue that holds this little group together. (To the guys) You're welcome.
 * (The guys are now completely annoyed at Shamy.)


 * Amy: Absolutely not. My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the ordo cognoscendi. That means it’s better than his research, and by extension, of course, yours.


 * Mrs. Cooper: Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave ‘em cute Jewish names.
 * Sheldon: What are you doing here?
 * Mrs. Cooper: Leonard called, and he said that you were pining for a young lady.
 * Sheldon: Oh, that’s preposterous. I’m not pining over anyone.
 * Mrs. Cooper: Oh, lamb chop, we can quibble what to call it, but I think we can both agree it’s creepy.


 * Leonard: Cats, Sheldon. You’re clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you’re trying to replace her with a bunch of cats.
 * Sheldon: Clowder.
 * Leonard: What?
 * Sheldon: A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring.
 * Leonard: Okay, yeah, fine.
 * Sheldon: It’s the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one.


 * Mrs. Cooper: Shelly! Dinner’s ready!
 * Sheldon: Coming!
 * Mrs. Cooper: No cats!
 * Sheldon: Aw.


 * Leonard: (sneezes) Twenty-five cats!
 * Mrs. Cooper: God bless you, dear.