The Sucker

Darwin and Julius in Detention

 * Maybe a little time in here will help you think about what you did, Watterson.
 * Hello! You're Julius Oppenheimmer Junior, right? I'm Darwin. We met last year in the schoolyard.
 * Are you the one who screams when his arms come off?
 * Mm-mm.
 * Are you the one who passes out when he is held upside down for four hours?
 * Nope!
 * Are you the one who has trouble walking when his legs are pulled off and put back on the wrong way around?
 * I'll give you a clue. Two weeks of physiotherapy and a forever whistling nose.
 * Oh, yeah. You hang out with the blue one, with the big head while turned inside out.
 * So, how come you're in dental-tension?
 * It's called detention, And I'm here because I had a little trouble with my art project.
 * "Vandalism"? Detention!
 * And what are you in for?
 * Same sort of thing.
 * "Vandalism is bad"? Admirable sentiment, but still vandalism. Detention!
 * So, what do you do in detention?
 * Well, I was gonna start with a bit of popping.
 * Popping? Man, I love breakdancing!
 * Then, I guess some mauling.
 * Going to the mall? Uhuh!
 * And to finish, some trampling.
 * They have a trampoline now!? Oh man! Detention sounds great! I guess they must going for a Scandinavian-rehabilitation approach.
 * You're pretty naïve. I bet you're easy to manipulate—
 * I'll do it!
 * What?
 * Oh, sorry. I thought you wanted me to do something. Would... would you like me to do something?
 * Hold that thought. I got one. He'll do whatever I say, and we'll never get in trouble again. He's a real sucker. How do I know? 'Cause he's holding the phone for me right now.  Wanna come hang out with a bunch of older kids who have a reputation for being mean and manipulative?
 * Do I?
 * Yes, you do.
 * Yes, I do!
 * He's perfect. Let's go.
 * Oh, sorry. I thought you wanted me to do something. Would... would you like me to do something?
 * Hold that thought. I got one. He'll do whatever I say, and we'll never get in trouble again. He's a real sucker. How do I know? 'Cause he's holding the phone for me right now.  Wanna come hang out with a bunch of older kids who have a reputation for being mean and manipulative?
 * Do I?
 * Yes, you do.
 * Yes, I do!
 * He's perfect. Let's go.

Darwin Meets Julius's Friends

 * Wow! You guys are so friendly! It’s almost like, too friendly. But, of course, there's no such thing. So, what are your names?
 * I'm Reaper.
 * I'm Scythe.
 * And I'm Phillip.
 * No, dude. That's your real name.
 * And I'm Mowdown.
 * Reaper, Scythe, and Mowdown. Cool nicknames. So, I guess you're from farming families, or brilliant at agriculture or something?
 * Told you he was perfect.
 * So, do you guys have a secret handshake? I got one you can have, look. Then the other guy goes...  That bit obviously works better if there's two butts.
 * He's beyond perfect. He's the unicorn of fools. The foolicorn.
 * And I can make him do anything.
 * He's beyond perfect. He's the unicorn of fools. The foolicorn.
 * And I can make him do anything.

Darwin's First Task

 * Hey, go clean out that woman's purse.
 * Oh!
 * All cleaned out!
 * Okay, we'll try something else. Get a thousand dollars worth of pizza delivered at the police precinct... with extra bacon.
 * Got it!
 * Okay, we'll try something else. Get a thousand dollars worth of pizza delivered at the police precinct... with extra bacon.
 * Got it!

Pizza Prank

 * Pizza delivery!
 * Wait. Why is that cop waving at us?
 * Because of your generosity.
 * What do you mean?
 * When the pizza place asked who it was from, I said you. And luckily, they already had your credit card details.
 * It was supposed to be cash-on delivery. How's that a prank otherwise?!
 * Well, it is kind of a prank, just... not on them.
 * Hey, guys, thanks for the pizzas. Although, to make sure it doesn't look like a bribe, I'm gonna have to fine you for loitering.
 * I'm having a great time.
 * Hey, guys, thanks for the pizzas. Although, to make sure it doesn't look like a bribe, I'm gonna have to fine you for loitering.
 * I'm having a great time.

Cover That Van in Dirt!

 * Okay, guys, give me one more chance to prove he is an easy mark.
 * Um, my name is Darwin. Just sayin'.
 * Okay. You see that nice, clean van over there? You're gonna cover it in dirt.
 * Right away.
 * ​​: Wow, she looks great! I was thinking Janice could do with a little facelift. Here.
 * Thank you, sir! I guess the money should go to the boss.
 * Thanks.
 * Whoa! Who's to say I'm not the boss!
 * Or me!
 * Yeah, you're not the leader! You don't have what it takes!
 * Oh, yeah?! Well, take this!
 * Oh, didn't hurt.
 * I love you this much!
 * Ignore that! I hate you this much!
 * , and : Why, you!
 * Stop!
 * Why?
 * Because you guys gotta get along. Or what better way, than with a song!
 * With a friend, fun will never end,
 * You can depend from the time you spend—
 * Forget it! He ain't a friend of mine.
 * Hey! Come back here!
 * You're not the boss of us!
 * You can't even convince a little kid to do a simple bad thing!
 * Aww, I had another twenty-three things that rhymed with friend.
 * I'll show them. I'm the master manipulator. I can make you do anything! Come on, let's jam.
 * Just come in whenever you like!
 * Hey! Come back here!
 * You're not the boss of us!
 * You can't even convince a little kid to do a simple bad thing!
 * Aww, I had another twenty-three things that rhymed with friend.
 * I'll show them. I'm the master manipulator. I can make you do anything! Come on, let's jam.
 * Just come in whenever you like!
 * Just come in whenever you like!
 * Just come in whenever you like!

Life All Ruined

 * Okay, you're gonna go and leave a little surprise in the pool...
 * ...using this detergent.
 * But trespassing is wrong. It's one of the seven sins— along with pride, wrath, Sleepy, Dopey, Blitzen—
 * Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not trespassing if it's for a good cause.
 * Why is this a good cause?
 * Because every child deserves access to clean water?
 * That is the most charitable thing I've ever heard!
 * Okay, how am I gonna do this?
 * Just use your head, kid.
 * Okay.
 * What are you doing?!
 * Using my head.
 * Here, use this!
 * Thank you.
 * Why did you do that?!
 * To pay for the damage of the door.
 * No, it was to open the door; it's got my name and address on it!
 * Oh, cool. Then they'll be able to return it.
 * Come here. We gotta get it back.
 * On the count of three, I'll lift it up, and you drop and roll. One, two, three!
 * No, you're supposed to go in to get—
 * Give me your phone.
 * My friend has hurt his foot, and he needs medical assistance.
 * Who is that?
 * Nine-one-one.
 * Are you crazy?!
 * Don't worry. I'm not gonna be all like, "Oh, yeah, my friend Julius Oppenheimmer Junior, who lives on Park Road, broke his foot while trying to trespass at the public pool."
 * What?!
 * I mean, this is an anonymous call!
 * You just gave them my name and address!
 * Ah, anonymously.
 * And they can trace the call!
 * Not anymore!
 * My phone! Just help me get my foot out.
 * Thanks for nothing! Ah, they're coming! You gotta help me!
 * Oh, no, they're gonna see us!
 * Quick, let's just hide our faces. It always works in spy movies!
 * No, no, no, no, no!
 * Sorry.
 * I'm fine. And given the choice, I'd take this option again.
 * No, no, no— I can't— I can't walk much further. I'm gonna need some wheels. Go take someone's bike or something.
 * Wait, that sounds like another bad thing!
 * Well, if you do this one bad thing now, we can do two good things later to make up for it.
 * Do you mean like how the Romans invaded half of the world but then invented sandals and ice cream?
 * I don't think the Romans invented ice cream.
 * Okay, just sandals then. There's two of them—
 * Agh, just get on with it!
 * Yes, sir.
 * I commandeer this vehicle!
 * Dude, that was my girlfriend!
 * Quick, let's kiss before she sees you!
 * Julius, a text would have been enough!
 * No, no, no, wait! Debbie! I can explain! What have you done?! I lost my girlfriend, my crew, the police are after me, they got my address, my parents will  be mad at me! You've ruined me! Who would have thought my life would have been destroyed by a dumb sucker who lives in a world of kittens and rainbows?
 * Julius, stop. You're not making sense. In a world of kittens and rainbows, what would the kittens eat?
 * Just go.
 * N— Now?
 * Immediately.
 * No! I'm gonna fix this! Wait for me at the bus stop in half an hour!
 * Agh, just get on with it!
 * Yes, sir.
 * I commandeer this vehicle!
 * Dude, that was my girlfriend!
 * Quick, let's kiss before she sees you!
 * Julius, a text would have been enough!
 * No, no, no, wait! Debbie! I can explain! What have you done?! I lost my girlfriend, my crew, the police are after me, they got my address, my parents will  be mad at me! You've ruined me! Who would have thought my life would have been destroyed by a dumb sucker who lives in a world of kittens and rainbows?
 * Julius, stop. You're not making sense. In a world of kittens and rainbows, what would the kittens eat?
 * Just go.
 * N— Now?
 * Immediately.
 * No! I'm gonna fix this! Wait for me at the bus stop in half an hour!
 * Just go.
 * N— Now?
 * Immediately.
 * No! I'm gonna fix this! Wait for me at the bus stop in half an hour!
 * No! I'm gonna fix this! Wait for me at the bus stop in half an hour!
 * No! I'm gonna fix this! Wait for me at the bus stop in half an hour!

Everything is Fixed

 * All fixed.
 * Really? How?
 * Well, first...
 * I spoke to your friends, and they all agreed that you had to stick together as I told the Bikers your crew declared war on them.
 * What?
 * Wait, what?! The Bikers?!
 * Yeah, and then I patched things up with your girlfriend!
 * You're getting married on Saturday.
 * I also fixed the situation with the police.
 * Oh, let me guess, by making my life worse?!
 * No... By making your father’s life worse! I told them it was Julius Oppenheimmer Senior who tried to break into the pool.
 * Were the coupons expired?!
 * What? My dad has been arrested? My mom’s gonna go nuts when she finds out!
 * She won’t, she is being deported!
 * But why?!
 * I changed her passport to one from Switzenburgenstan!
 * That’s not even a country!
 * Which is why they are going to dump her in unchartered waters right about now.
 * Thank you for flying with us.
 * You've made everything worse! What?
 * It was a joke!
 * What? None of that happened?
 * No! Now, who's easy to manipulate? And don't worry, I fixed everything with your crew and your girlfriend.
 * Oh. Eh, well, I guess it shows if you bully someone enough, it'll eventually backfire spectacularly, that it'll teach you a valuable life lesson.
 * Which is?
 * I should... bully even more people to learn extra life lessons!
 * What? No! The lesson is— Oh, you made a joke!
 * Look, man, I'm sorry. You're no sucker. You're right. The world needs more buddies, not more bullies.
 * Want to hug it out?
 * As long as there's no kissing.
 * Oh, but wait, what about my parents? Are they still mad at me?
 * Not after they get the cake you sent them.
 * What?
 * Mm-hmm. The one with "SORRY" spelled out in sparklers.
 * Thanks, buddy.
 * You did good, kid. You did goo- wait, did you say a cake with sparklers—
 * Look, man, I'm sorry. You're no sucker. You're right. The world needs more buddies, not more bullies.
 * Want to hug it out?
 * As long as there's no kissing.
 * Oh, but wait, what about my parents? Are they still mad at me?
 * Not after they get the cake you sent them.
 * What?
 * Mm-hmm. The one with "SORRY" spelled out in sparklers.
 * Thanks, buddy.
 * You did good, kid. You did goo- wait, did you say a cake with sparklers—
 * Mm-hmm. The one with "SORRY" spelled out in sparklers.
 * Thanks, buddy.
 * You did good, kid. You did goo- wait, did you say a cake with sparklers—
 * You did good, kid. You did goo- wait, did you say a cake with sparklers—