My Leg!


 * [The episode begins with a television fuzzing on the screen. The screen starts at Mrs. Puff's Boating School. SpongeBob backs the boat against the lighthouse and Mrs. Puff inflates herself. The lighthouse knocks over and falls onto Fred's leg.]
 * Fred: My leg! [gets hit by antenna; the screen then shows Fred at the circus, where he is run over by a old man's stroller] Ah! My leg! [the screen then shows Fred doing weight lifting, where the weights crush his legs] My leg! [the screen then shows Fred fishing out his leg] Hmm? My leg! [the screen then shows Fred being part of Charlie's magic show, where his leg is detached] My leg! [the screen then shows Fred changing the channel on his television, where his leg is shown] My leg? [the screen then shows Fred being crush by a steamroller] My leg! [the screen then shows Fred's leg being drilled in the garbage disposal] My leg! [the screen then shows Fred's dress being blown by the air vent, revealing realistic legs] My leg... [the screen then shows Fred's leg being sawed off by aliens] My leg! [the screen then shows Fred being served as a dinner entrée to a hungry human at a restaurant] My leg! [the screen then shows Fred's leg being zapped by a mad scientist; he whimpers] My leg!
 * [The screen then shows Fred sitting in the fields next to a coral tree. A leaf floats down on his leg and it disintegrates into dust.]
 * Doctor: [chuckles] That last one put my daughter through college. [Fred growls at him] All right, let's get this over with. [holds out a really big spinning blade]
 * Fred: [gasps and the doctor saws his cast] My leg, my leg, my leg, my leg, my leg! My leg! [the cast comes apart] Ooh. Hmm! Feels great! Thanks, Doc! [accidentally kicks the doctor's face]
 * Doctor: I'm glad, Fred. But you've got to be more careful with...[pulls down an x-ray of Fred's leg] your leg! [rolls the x-ray back up]
 * Fred: Ah, come on, Doc. It's just my leg! [accidentally kicks the doctor out the window] I've got another one.
 * Doctor: Just your leg? [climbs back in through the window, grabs Fred's leg and whacks Fred in the face]Just your leg?! [lets go of Fred's leg] All right, Fred, the next time you come in here with a hurt leg, I'm going to replace it with... [opens cabinet]
 * Fred: With what?
 * Doctor: [holds up a robotic leg] A robot leg!
 * Fred: Cool!
 * Doctor: It might be cool to you, Fred, but how does the robot feel about it? [pulls out a robot and it grabs Fred]
 * Tom (robot): Don't take my leg! Don't take my leg! [sobs]
 * Fred: [pulls the robot off him] Okay, Doc, I get it. I'll take better care of my leg! I promise. [leaves]
 * Doctor: Nice job, Tom.
 * [The doctor and Tom, the robot, give each other a high-five. The scene changes to Fred exiting the hospital, where he meets up with SpongeBob.]
 * SpongeBob: [holding flowers and a balloon] Hello, Fred. Your leg! Looks great.
 * Fred: Stay away from my leg, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: Oh, Fred, I'm so sorry I drove that freight train onto your leg!
 * [The scene changes into a flashback. Fred is stretching his leg out onto the railroad will sipping down a drink. Suddenly, SpongeBob comes rolling by the tracks on a small freight train, running over Fred's leg.]
 * SpongeBob: [chuckles] Choo-choo.
 * Fred: My leg!
 * [An ambulance drives by. The paramedics pick up Fred and drive him away to the hospital. The flashback ends and SpongeBob squiggles his body.]
 * SpongeBob: [laughs] Flashbacks tickle.
 * [Fred ties a balloon around SpongeBob.]
 * Fred: Now please go away. [blows SpongeBob away and leaves]
 * SpongeBob: Ooh, I know. I'll protect his leg! From harm, incognito.
 * [SpongeBob pulls on the string, pops the balloon and flies into a nearby trashcan. He sees Fred is going to step in the oil puddle. He jumps out and falls flat onto the oil puddle so Fred wouldn't slip on it.]
 * SpongeBob: [as Fred steps on him] Ow, ow.
 * [SpongeBob, now covered in oil, gets up and sees Fred is going to slip on a banana peel. He slides underneath him and eats the banana peel. Fred is about to step on a pile of sea urchins. SpongeBob slides underneath him and shields him from the pointy spikes. SpongeBob sticks out his tongue and its covered with sea urchins. He sees Fred about to step on a foothold trap. SpongeBob steps in and gets into the trap to prevent Fred from stepping in it.]
 * SpongeBob: Yowch! [groans]
 * [SpongeBob continues to follow Fred and hops over to the place he works at: A construction factory.]
 * Fred: Hey, everybody, look who's back!
 * Contruction workers: My leg!
 * [As Fred goes to begin his job, SpongeBob, who is shaped like Fred, continues to follow him. He hides behind the drilling machine just as Fred is preparing to work. Fred begins his job by pushing logs through the drilling machine.]
 * SpongeBob: [rips himself in half] This is his job?! Oh, no. Not safe. Must think. [puts on a fake mustache and construction helmet; talks in a deep voice]' Welcome back, Fred. Nice leg, work. But you know, it's a lot safer if you use a...[pulls out a table leg] table leg instead.
 * Fred: Wow! Really?
 * SpongeBob: [chuckles] Now, Fred, I wouldn't pull your leg! Watch this. [pushes the log in the drilling machine, but ends up getting caught in the blades] Huh?
 * [With SpongeBob jamming the machine, it starts to overload and the construction workers flee the factory. The factory unleashes a devastating explosion. The smoke clears and SpongeBob pops out from the debris.]
 * SpongeBob: [sighs] Well, at least Fred's leg! is safe. [collapse on the ground; as he collapsed, he is cut into several pieces of wood]
 * [The scene changes to Fred receiving therapy from a octopus named Dr. Charley Horse.]
 * Fred: My leg! Is really stressing out, Dr. Charley Horse.
 * Dr. Charley Horse: [examining Fred's leg] Hmm. Uh-huh. [twists Fred's leg and bite it] You're right, Fred. It's so tense. But I've got just the remedy. Take off your shoes and follow me.
 * [Fred takes off his shoes and follows Dr. Charley Horse. SpongeBob and Patrick pop out of Fred's shoes.]
 * Patrick: [wearing a gas mask] So far this plan stinks.
 * SpongeBob: This is no time to be smelling stinks, Patrick. I need to protect Fred's leg! And I can't do it alone.
 * Dr. Charley Horse: The only way to relax your leg! Is to walk on... [removes the rug and reveals a patch of burning, hot coals underneath] hot coals.
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: Hot coals?!
 * [SpongeBob goes to protect Fred while Patrick hides in a sock.]
 * Dr. Charley Horse: Now, Fred, close your eyes, and repeat after me the ancient mantra: My feet are cold. My feet are cold.
 * Fred and Dr. Charley Horse: My feet are cold.
 * Fred: My feet are cold. [stretches his foot out over the hot coals]
 * [SpongeBob gasps and lays himself underneath Fred's feet as he prepares to walk on the hot coals.]
 * Fred: My feet are cold. [walks on top of SpongeBob as he burns] My feet are cold.
 * SpongeBob: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
 * Fred: My feet are cold.
 * [Fred makes it to the other end of the hot coals. SpongeBob hops out screaming in pain as his body is on fire. He flies around Fred.]
 * Fred: Whoa! [falls on the hot coals] My butt!
 * [SpongeBob flies around Dr. Charley Horse, accidentally making him step on the hot coals.]
 * Dr. Charley Horse: [his voice gets higher and starts to shrink as he walks on the hot coals] My feet are cold, my feet are cold, my feet are cold, my feet are cold! [disappears; forms a word above the coals and whispers] Transcendence.
 * Fred: Ooh.
 * [The scene changes to Fred walking in the streets in Bikini Bottom. SpongeBob and Patrick appearance in disguises as bodyguards.]
 * SpongeBob: [imitates static] All quiet on the right side.
 * Patrick: [imitates static] All quiet on the left side. [bashes Bubble Bass out of the way] Sorry, sir.
 * [SpongeBob moves an old woman out of the way.]
 * Old woman: Oh!
 * SpongeBob: Sorry, ma'am.
 * Fred: Hey, what's going on here?
 * [A girl scout appears in front of them.]
 * Girl Scout: Would you like to buy some cookies?
 * SpongeBob: Mayday, Chicken Leg! We got a situation on the griddle! [wraps his body around Fred's leg]
 * Patrick: [grabs the box of cookies] I got the weapon! [the girl scout bites his leg] Yow!
 * [The girl scout brutally beats Patrick up and whacks him around on the ground while holding his leg with her teeth. She heavily pants like a wild savage beast until picks up the box and returns to her sweet innocent self. She skips away and Fred removes SpongeBob's glasses.]
 * Fred: SpongeBob? Why are you following my leg?! [pulls SpongeBob off his leg]
 * SpongeBob: Fred, you have to listen to me. Your leg! Is in constant danger. Isn't that so, Patrick?
 * Patrick: I think I hurt my leg. [shows the bite mark on his leg]
 * SpongeBob and Fred: Your what?
 * Patrick: [screams] My leg!
 * [An ambulance arrives. The paramedics grab Patrick, throw him in, and drive him away.]
 * Fred: [sobs] Aww, gee, some guys get all the lucky breaks. [kicks an empty can in SpongeBob's face]
 * SpongeBob: [pulls the can off his face] At least you know that your leg's! Perimeter is secured.
 * Fred: I know. I just miss being at the hospital.
 * SpongeBob: Why?
 * Fred: Well, secretly...
 * SpongeBob: Ooh! [leans closer to listen]
 * Fred: [whispers] I'm in love with a nurse.
 * SpongeBob: Ooh, you're in love with a nurse? Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! [forms into a heart and sighs; a cupid arrow pops SpongeBob back to his normal form] Fred, I've got an idea. Why don't we hurt your leg! So you can be reunited with your lady fair?
 * Fred: Let's do it! And we should step on it. It's almost time for her break.
 * SpongeBob: I'd say it's almost time for your break.
 * [SpongeBob and Fred share a laugh. SpongeBob takes out a toy hammer and hits Fred's leg with it, but it didn't do any physical harm.]
 * SpongeBob: I should probably use something stronger.
 * Fred: Yeah, probably.
 * [The scene changes to SpongeBob and Fred climbing over the wall at Bikini Bottom Jail. SpongeBob taps the shoulder of a nearby convict working on the rocks.]
 * Convict: Hmm?
 * [Fred stretches out his leg and SpongeBob quietly explains to the convict to hit it with his hammer.]
 * SpongeBob: Ahh?
 * Convict: Hmm? Mm-mm.
 * [SpongeBob grabs the hammer and goes to hit Fred's leg with it. But the hammer slips off his hand and it lands on the convict's foot. The screen becomes black and white and like a silent movie, the convict words "My Leg!" appears on the screen when he screams. The ambulance arrives again. The paramedics climb out, throw the convict in, and drive away. SpongeBob and Fred snap their fingers in disgust. The scene changes to Fred and SpongeBob at Jellyfish Fields. SpongeBob has three jellyfish in a net and battery chargers attached to it. He puts two other battery chargers on Fred's leg in attempt to have the jellyfish sting it.]
 * SpongeBob: [takes out a stick] Hmm. [pokes the net]
 * [The jellyfish come out of the net and repeatedly stings SpongeBob. SpongeBob comes back, now incredibly swollen, and snaps his finger in disgust. The scene changes to Fred sprinkling salt on his leg. SpongeBob rings the bell and the Alaskan Bull Worm appears. But instead of biting Fred's leg, it licks the salt off. Fred snaps his fingers in disgust. The scene changes to SpongeBob tying Fred's leg to the railroad tracks.]
 * SpongeBob: Trust me, Fred, your leg! Is as good as broken.
 * Fred: Oh, my sweet nurse angel. I'll be there soon, my love!
 * SpongeBob: And here comes the love train, right on schedule!
 * [A train with heart steaming out comes riding down the tracks. Just as the train gets closer, Tom the robot appears. Tom stops the train and throws it off the track.]
 * Tom (robot): Don't hurt your leg! Don't hurt your leg!
 * SpongeBob: Mr. Robot, that is very rude. How are we supposed to break Fred's leg! Now?
 * [Tom's head explodes in anger.]
 * Fred: He's just afraid if I hurt my leg! The doctor will replace it with his leg!
 * SpongeBob: Oh, is that all? Shucks, he can have my leg! It'll grow back. [pulls his left leg off] Boink! [sticks his leg on Tom] Enjoy.
 * Tom (robot): [laughing] Thank you, sponge man. This one is even better than my leg!
 * [The ambulance arrives again. The paramedics climb out, throw Tom in, and float away.]
 * Fred: Aw, it's no use, SpongeBob. Maybe the nurse and me were never meant to be.
 * SpongeBob: Now, don't put your tail between your legs! Just yet, Fred. I've got the perfect plan to get you back to the hospital. Okay, here's what we do... [his left leg grows back, but it's smaller than normal] Hey, my leg!
 * [The ambulance falls back down, crashing on top of Fred. The paramedics climb out, throw SpongeBob on the side, and drive away, leaving Fred with some tire marks.]
 * Fred: My head and torso! Wow, that's crazy. They hit me everywhere except my legs!
 * [The paramedics grab Fred and drive away. The scene changes to the hospital where SpongeBob, Patrick, the convict, and Tom the robot have their legs casted up. Fred, however, has his entire body casted up except for his legs.]
 * Fred: [sighs] Thank you, SpongeBob. If it wasn't for you, I never would have made it back to my angel goddess.
 * SpongeBob: Oh, don't thank me, Fred. Your leg! Did all the heavy lifting. I can't wait to meet this angel goddess of yours.
 * Fred: Well, wait no longer, SpongeBob. Hello, Nurse Bazooka!
 * SpongeBob: Nurse Bazooka?
 * [Fred's secret crush turns out to be a strong, bulky nurse named Nurse Bazooka. She enters the room with a wet sponge.]
 * Nurse Bazooka: Sponge bath time!
 * SpongeBob, Patrick, Convict, and Tom (robot): No!
 * Patrick: I don't want to! Oh, no, no! [cries]
 * Nurse Bazooka: ♪Scrub, scrub, scrubbity, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub♪ [grabs Patrick and violently scrubs him with the sponge]
 * Convict: No!
 * [Tom and the convict tremble in fear, but Fred doesn't seem to be afraid of her at all.]
 * Fred: You know, this reminds me of a song.
 * [Fred takes out a ukulele and begins to play music. Tom and the convict attempt to dig themselves out of the hospital to escape Nurse Bazooka, but eventually decides to join in the music. Fred saws his face out through the cast.]
 * Fred: ♪When I met you, my fingers went numb and my arms were all aloof. But I tripped over your heart. And now, my loneliness went poof. Because... My leg is in love! Hey, my leg is in love! Like an old, snug shoe that fits like a glove! My leg is in love! Wow! My leg is in love! Through my femur to the marrow is where Cupid shot an arrow! So, my leg is in love! Whoa! My leg is in love! My calves are getting restless! My quads are going crazy! I'm in love with a nurse and I think her name is Daisy!♪
 * [Nurse Bazooka is wringing Patrick out with the wringer. She stops and starts listening to Fred's song.]
 * Nurse Bazooka: [blushes] Me?
 * Chorus: ♪His leg is in love! Yeah! His leg is in love!♪
 * Fred: ♪I really mean it! Yeah, my leg!♪
 * Chorus: ♪His leg!♪
 * Fred: ♪Oh, yes!♪
 * Chorus: ♪Oh, yes!♪
 * Fred: ♪My leg is in love!♪
 * Chorus: ♪His leg is in love!♪
 * Fred: ♪Yeah!♪
 * SpongeBob: [as Cupid] Hey, I always wanted to show a little leg! [laughs]
 * Nurse Bazooka: [kisses Fred] Mwah, mwah, mwah.
 * [The screen closes and cuts Fred's leg off.]
 * Fred: [screaming] My leg!
 * [The ambulance drives up. The paramedic takes Fred's leg and drives away, ending the episode.]