That Disco Episode

Eric, Donna, Hyde, Kelso and Fez are playing cards. Jackie is sitting on the washing machine, reading the paper.

Eric: The game is Anaconda.

He starts dealing.

Eric: Big Ace, Eight Ball, Red Lady, Jackson, High Brow, Wild Man…

Jackie: Oh my god, Michael!

She gets off the washing machine.

Jackie: They opened up a disco!

Kelso: Where at?

Jackie: In Kenosha. You could wear your David Bowie butt huggers.

Jackie starts dancing around like a nut.

Hyde: Michael, that would be super!

Kelso: Laugh if you want, man, but my butt looks pretty good in those.

Eric: Fine. Are you guys crazy? I mean, a disco? No way.

Donna: I don't know, might be kinda fun to go dancing.

Eric: Oh, we could go!

Kelso: I got nothing, I fold.

Hyde: Oh, man, if you're out, go make some popcorn.

Kelso gets up and goes to the stairs. Jackie is still dancing.

Hyde: Take her with you.

Jackie and Kelso go upstairs.

Fez: What is disco?

Hyde: Disco is from hell, ok? And not the cool part of hell with all the murderers, but the lame ass part where the really bad accountants live.

Donna checks out Kelso 's cards.

Eric: Excuse me, what are you doing?

Donna: Looking at Kelso's cards.

Eric: That's cheating

Jackie (O.S.): Eric! I can't find the popcorn!

Eric jumps up and starts going and then comes back.

Eric: Hey, um, Donna, why don't you take a little look at my cards, then you won't have to wait for me to leave.

Eric tries to show her his cards.

Eric: No, come on, take a look. Take a look, tell me what I have, you cheater !

He puts his card right in front of her. She looks.

Donna: You got nothing!

Eric: Yeah, and I'm gonna bluff, so watch out!

Eric runs upstairs.

Fez: Donna has stuff for Eric, yes?

Hyde: Not stuff, thing. Donna has a thing for Eric. Why do you have a thing for Eric?

Donna: He makes me laugh, he doesn't ask me stupid questions. He's smart, and, you know…

Hyde: No, I don't know.

Fez: I know!

Fez raises his arm and Hyde points at him.

Fez: It is because Eric is noble, and a woman wants her first love making to be in the arms of a man she can trust !

Donna: Fez?

Fez:Yes.

Donna: Go make popcorn.

He gets up.

OPENING CREDITS

FORMAN KITCHEN

Eric, Red and Kitty are eating.

Eric: Dad, I want to talk to you about my curfew on Saturday. We're going to a disco in Kenosha.

Kitty: Ooh, Dancing in Kenosha. That's quite a drive!

Eric: Can I push my curfew to two?

Kitty: Mmm…

Eric: Or one thirty?

Kitty: Mmm…

Eric: Or one?

Kitty: Done

Red: So! Who's going?

Kitty: Oh, Donna, I'm sure, they're practically dating.

Eric: Can I have some gas money?

Red: Dating? Since when?

Eric: Mom, we're not dating.

Kitty: Why not? She likes you.

Eric: Thanks mom. About that gas money… Kitty: Well, now, she is interested, I can tell! And dancing is the quickest way to a gal's heart! Remember, Red, when we used to go dancing at the Avalon on Macana Island?

Eric: Oh, Macana! Now that's quite a drive! I bet the mileage is just…

Eric gestures with his hands. Kitty starts singing.

Kitty: Oh, oh! Volare! Oh! Cantare! Oh, oh!

Kitty gets up and starts dancing.

Red: You see what you did? You got your mother started!

FORMAN GARAGE

Hyde: Man, I can't believe you and Jackie are dragging everybody to that disco. It's so sad.

Kelso: No, I'm just going to meet Kenosha chicks. Breakin' up with Jackie.

Fez: Oh, get a tall chick! Because you and Jackie look so silly together!

Eric: Ok, that's all the deposit bottles and the aluminum cans. We gotta have at least…a dollar fifteen worth of gas.

Kelso: Come on. My dad's got a ton of empties.

Eric, Kelso and Fez get out.

Hyde: Man, I can't believe they're gonna waste all their money on a stupid disco when they could buy a really big bag…

He pauses before continuing.

Hyde, continuing: Of caramels!

Hyde is about to leave.

Red: Not going to that disco, huh?

Hyde: No. Phony people listening to crappy music does not sound like my kinda time.

Red: You can't dance, can you?

Hyde: I can dance.

Red: Oh, I don't think so, pal.

Hyde: I can dance.

Red: Not one step.

Hyde: You're right, not one step.

Red: Well, then you got a problem, son. 'cause women wanna dance. They always wanna dance. Always.

Hyde: Why?

Red: 'Cause. They get close and wiggle their bodies around in front of a man in a safe atmosphere.

Hyde: See, I don't really wanna wiggle around in public.

Red: Well, of course not. You're a man. My point is, you're going to have to learn. Otherwise later on in life, you're gonna be wiggling all by yourself. Now if you want, I can help you out.

FORMAN LIVING ROOM

Kitty: Ok, now, that was good, ok, let's try it again. Ok? Now.

They dance.

Kitty: Left, right, left, turn and step. Ok.

Hyde dances like a robot. He's really stiff.

Hyde: I can't keep up with music, Mrs. Forman.

Kitty: Now, lets not get discouraged! I am just gonna turn this music off!

She turns of the record player.

Kitty: Now! You follow me. Ok. You can do this. Ok. Left, right, left, turn and step!

Hyde steps on her foot.

Kitty: Ooh…no! No! No! Look at me, not at your feet. Ok, you know what, now, now, put your arm around me. Yeah, a little bit lower, put your hand in the small of my back. You feel how you can guide me?

Hyde: Oh! Yeah…

Kitty: Ok, ok. Left, r…you're leading! Ok, now. Tell me where to move with your hand. Uh-huh. Left, right, left, turn, uh-huh, ok, eye contact in the turn, ok, ok, and…dip! Hyde doesn't support her and she falls down.

Kitty: Ok, well now let's just do it again.

Camera pans to Bob walking into the Forman kitchen with a thermos.

Bob: Hello! Anybody home? I'm bringing back your thermos!

Bob cracks the living room door open and finds Hyde and Kitty in each other's arms.

Kitty: Ouh, put your hand there. Oh, that is perfect! You are better than Red!

Bob runs outside and hides behind the driveway door. HYDE and KITTY come in the kitchen.

Kitty: Oh, I am exhausted! That is sweaty work!

Hyde: Mrs. Forman, I'd really appreciate it if maybe we didn't tell anybody what we were doing here.

Kitty: Oh, mum is the word! Tomorrow after school, okay?

Hyde: Thanks.

Kitty: And Steven? You were good.

Bob is shocked.

THE BASEMENT aka THE CIRCLE

Hyde: Ok, I thought about it. And I'm going to the disco! Just on the off chance that they might mix up a little rock 'n roll, man.

Kelso: Yeah? Well, I have something to say. I went to the mall today, and I bought a…pair of new shoes, and they're the coolest kicks in the cave!

Eric: So, no more for Kelso, he's toasted!

Fez: I would like some toast if you are making some. Or food of any kind would be good. I am starving!

Hyde: Oh, I read somewhere there are these people in India who fast, man! Yeah! And their minds are so advanced, they could actually think themselves to death, man!

Kelso: Whoa. I hope I'm not doing that right now. My mind's always doing things that I don't even know about!

Eric: Man, we always think of so many brilliant things down here, but then later I can't remember any of them! I mean, they're brilliant man!

Fez: Someone go make toast right now.

Hyde: Hey, we should record our conversation, man! Yeah! Then we could play it back and write it down! I'll bet that's how the writers at National Lampoon do it!

Kelso: Yeah, well, I read somewhere that there's these people in France!

Hyde: What do they do?

Kelso: You see, they are incredibly…French!

Eric: See, that's brilliant, man! I'm getting the tape recorder!

He moves to the stairs.

Fez: Where's my toast, you idiots?

THE FORMAN KITCHEN

Eric has the tape recorder and is getting the bread for the toasts.

Red:Eric!

Eric: Yeah, dad.

Eric turns around, faces Red and sees that the wallpaper is going up and down.

Red: Listen, I know you need gas money for Saturday night, so if you're willing to do a few extra chores, I'll uh, pay you ten dollars.

Eric blinks as if to make the effect go away, but the wallpaper is still crawling.

Eric: Sure I can do that.

Red: Now, I need you to sweep the garage, clean the leaves out of the gutters, pick up the dry cleaning, and uh, fix that shelf in the pantry. Now, run that back to me.

Eric: Oh, kay, fix the shelf, sweep the garage, pick up the leaves…

Red: Dry cleaning.

Eric: Yeah.

Red: The gutters.

Eric: Fix the gutters.

Red: Clean, clean the gutters.

Eric: Clean out the gutters, fix the shelf, sweep the leaves.

Red: The garage.

Eric: Fix the garage.

Red: Sweep it.

Eric: Sweep.

Red:Listen, I'm not gonna pay you ten dollars for nothing!

Eric: Sweep the garage, pick up the cleaning, clean up the gutters, fix the shelf.

Red: Do that, and you've got yourself gas money.

Eric: Didn't you say something about leaves?

Red: They're in the gutters.

Eric: Right. Pick 'em up. Clean 'em up! I…gotta make toast.

FORMAN LIVING ROOM

Hyde and Kitty are dancing in the living room to various music, swing, mambo, rhumba.

PINCIOTTI BACK DOOR

Bob: "Aw, jeez, Midge. Kitty and that boy are at it again."

They close the blinds. Bob opens them again, stares for a while with a pondering look on his face, then closes them.

FORMAN DRIVEWAY

Kitty and Midge are with the kids. Kitty is taking pictures.

Eric: You smell great. What'd you do?

Donna: I took a bath. I was thinking of you the whole time.

Eric: Yeah, you know I do the same thing in the shower.

Donna: What?

Eric: Nothing.

Kitty: Oh, let's take some pictures! I'm ready, Steven get in closer. Ok, let's all schmoosh together! Ok, big smiles! Nice

She takes the first picture and Kelso is trying to show off his butt huggers.

Kitty: Ok, now, girls, look how pretty, smile, nice!

She takes another picture with just Donna and Jackie.

Kitty: Now boys, oh, so handsome!

She takes another picture in which Kelso shows off his butt huggers again.

Kitty: Ok, now lets…

Eric: Hey, mom, why don't I take a picture of you?

Kitty: No, no, no, no. Ok, you'll be late, bye now!

The gang starts getting in the car, with Midge talking to Donna. Hyde comes over and kisses Kitty on the cheek.

Hyde: You're the best

Kitty: Oh, you go get 'em, Tiger.

FORMAN KITCHEN

Midge: Kitty, I need your advice.

Kitty: Well, sure, what is it?

Midge: I have this married friend. And she's about to throw everything away because she's attracted to a much younger man.

Kitty: It's Stella!

Midge: No!

Kitty: Oh, I knew that Stella was open for business!

Midge:It's not Stella!

Kitty: Well, do I know her?

Midge: Yes, very well.

Kitty: Oh, Midge! Does Bob know?

Midge: Yeah, and he doesn't know what to do! Kitty, I don't know what to do!

Kitty: Midge, listen. I think your friend should think about all of the people she's gonna hurt. And tell this younger man whoever he is, I don't wanna know, that it has to stop.

Midge: Thank you. I just hope my friend takes your advice.

Kitty: I'm sure your friend will.

Kitty and Midge, thinking: « Hmm. Younger man. Wonder what that's like ».

THE DISCO

Kelso is dancing around on "Dancing", making a fool of himself. Kelso looks around, realizes he's alone, and runs to the table where the rest of the gang is sitting.

Kelso:Jackie, where'd you go?

Jackie: I had to get something for you to bite on, cause I told everyone you were having a seizure!

Fez: When do they play the disco music?

Donna: This is disco music.

Fez: No, no. This is samba.

Hyde: Fez, it's disco, man. It's crap!

Fez: Whoa, I think I like this crap!

He stands up.

Fez: Come, Jackie! Let's get down!

Jackie: No, I think I'm a little tired.

She looks away, but Fez turns her head back toward him with his hand.

Fez: Don't resist me mama. It's boogie time!

He pulls Jackie out of her chair and onto the dance floor.

Donna: I think you just lost your date!

Kelso:Yeah, well it's cool 'cause Jackie and I are history!

Fez and Jackie dance.

Eric: She must not weigh that much

They continue dancing, and Jackie puts her leg around Fez in a final step, Fez pulls her back to the table.

Kelso: Is she touching his ass?

The song changes to "Fernando".

Fez: Listen, Merengue!

Jackie: Whoo! Fez, you're crazy!

Eric: Wow, they are really good!

Kelso: Yeah, if you wanna dance that way!

Donna: I would love to dance that way!

Hyde: You wanna dance?

Donna: Sure!

They get up and start dancing.

Donna: You dance. This is a side of you I've never seen.

Hyde: Yeah. Actually, you're my first dance.

Donna: I'm your first? I'm honored.

Hyde: This is nice.

Donna: Mmm-hmm.

Donna dips. They look at each other in the eyes.

Hyde: Donna, man, I feel like I wanna kiss you.

They come back to a normal position.

Hyde: You don't have to kiss me back if you don't want.

Donna laughs.

Hyde:I'm not kidding.

Donna: Shut up and dance.

THE VISTA CRUISER

Jackie: Fez, you are an amazing dancer!

Fez: Actually Jackie, you are the reason I am amazing. You see, when a man dances, he should display the woman to the room like a beautiful flower.

Jackie: Oh, Fez!

Kelso comes running out of the disco and runs to the car, pulling FEZ out of the car.

Jackie: Michael!

Kelso: Alright, pal, that's it! It's you and me right here right now!

Fez: Why did you interrupt us?

Kelso: Jackie is my girl, Fez.

Fez: But you were breaking up with her!

Jackie looks at Kelso, angry. Kelso doesn't even know what to reply, and he has a confused look on his face.

Kelso: Where do you even get that stuff?

Fez: Ok, I'll be running away now.

Jackie: Michael, M…

Fez tries to get away, but Kelso grabs him and hangs upside down.

Jackie: Michael! Michael, it's not his fault! You just don't know how to dance with me !

Kelso: I don't know how to dance with you, so you just take off with some other guy?

Jackie: I know, Michael, I'm sorry, I was wrong. But all I wanted to be was displayed like a flower.

Kelso: You know that you are my flower.

Fez: That is so beautiful. Put me down.

Jackie: Oh, Michael!

They move in to kiss.

Fez: Ok, I'm passing out, now.

Kelso puts him down.

FORMAN DRIVEWAY

Red is working on the car. Bobwalks up tensely.

Bob: Ah-hem.

Red: Ok, Bob. What is it?

Bob: Oh, just uh, curious. What's the word on that Hyde kid?

Red: Steven? Oh, he's a little rebellious. Just needs some direction.

Bob: Apparently, he's getting it, Red. I uh, I kinda walked into your living room and, he and Kitty were in, some sort of, provocative embrace. I think he's puttin' the moves on your wife.

Red: Oh, my god. Now I've gotta kill him. Get your deer rifle, Bob.

Bob: Hold on, Red, I, I, I, I could've been mistaken!

Red: You know what you saw! Get the damn gun.

Bob: Maybe she was, uh, choking, on, you know, on some food or something.

Red: I can't take that chance. What choice do I have as a man?

Bob: Come on, Red. Uh, they could've been dancing! Jeez, I'm sure she was teaching him dancing, 'cause they're all going to that disco! Oh.

Bob pats Red on the chest.

Red: Dancing, huh?

Bob: Yeah.

Red: Jeez, Bob. That would be downright logical. Good thing I didn't shoot him.

Red looks at BOB who realizes that Red knows all about it.

FORMAN DRIVEWAY

Hyde and Fez are sitting on the hood of the parked Vista Cruiser.

Fez: Hyde, you were right about disco music. It is evil. It's pulsing rythm made me do a bad thing.

Hyde: Yeah, well, me too.

Fez: Kelso is my friend, I cannot take his woman.

Hyde:You're a good guy, Fez.

Fez: Actually, I could take his woman, but I won't.

Hyde: Come on, I'll walk you home.

Eric and Donna come out.

Hyde:See you guys.

Donna: See you.

Eric: Goodnight.

Hyde and Fez leave.

Eric: Hey, uh, Hyde dancing, what a surprise!

Donna: Yeah! Who knew?

Eric: Yeah. You looked like you were having a pretty good time.

Donna: Yeah, well, you know, disco fever. You catch it. But I'm better now.

Eric: Wow. What a, what a weird night. Hey, did you see Kelso's shoes?

Donna: Yeah. Remember when he saw that girl wearing the same shoes?

Eric: Oh, yes! That was, actually, it was pretty sad.

Donna: Yeah, it was.

Eric: Hey, um…do you recall that night we crossed the Rio Grande?

Donna: What?

Eric: I can see it in your eyes.

Donna: What are you talking about?

Eric: How proud you would've fought for freedom in this land…

Eric starts singing.

Donna: Shut up, don't! Don't! Don't, shhh!

Eric: There was something in the air that night! The stars were bright!

Donna covers his mouth with her hand.

Eric, muffled: Fernando! They were…

Eric stops singing and Donna takes her hand off his mouth.

Eric: I'm sorry. I hate dance music.

Donna: Then, why'd you go?

Eric: I like you.

Donna: So…you're in like with me?

Eric: Donna, I'm… I'm in…

He leans over and kisses her. They look at each other.

Eric: I can't dance.

Donna: You'll learn.

Donna starts singing

Donna: There was something in the air that night! The stars were bright…

Eric: Donna, I really wanna kiss you again.

Donna: Fernando! Shut up and dance! They were shining there for you and me and liberty…

Eric joins her and they start dancing and singing.

Eric and Donna: "Fernando! Though I never thought that we could lose, There's no regret, If I had to do the same again…

Eric and Donna 's singing fades and is replaced by Abba. ABBA: "I would, my friend, Fernando!

TAG

THE BASEMENT

Fez holds the tape recorder and we hear the tape.

Hyde: We're all on a farm…a farm put here by aliens man! And we're the cattle!

Kelso: We're cattle! Moo!

Hyde: The government knows it, it's out there, man!

Kelso: What is?

Hyde: The truth.

Kelso: What are you saying?

Hyde:Out there is the truth! The truth is out there, man!

Eric: That's seriously freaky!

Fez pushed stop, stopping the tape.

Fez: See, you are all stupid!

THE END