Hurtled from a Helicopter into a Speeding Train

[ Thunder crashes ] [ Laughs evilly ] [ Sawing ] [ Electricity crackles ] It's alive! [ Thunder crashes ] [ Laughs evilly ] [ Smooch! ] [ Laughs evilly ] You have my sword. And you have my bow. And my ax. [ Auctioneering ] Hey, now, we got a sword, a bow and an ax. I need a shield. Is there a shield? - Do I hear a shield? - My shield! Shield from the son of the steward of Gondor, Gondor. - We got a sword, bow, ax, shield. - My staff! We shall not pass on a shiny new staff. We got us a staff, a sword, shield, bow, and ax. No range. We need some range. Who's gonna give us some range? - My arrows! - Arrows from the elf! Got sword, shield, bow, ax, staff, and arrows. My horse! And a horse from the dwarf, of course. What on middle-earth could possibly beat one horse? - Two horses! - Two horses from the ranger. Two horses, two horses. Do I hear an oliphant? We might have a deal here, folks, going once. Going twice. And sold to Aragorn, son of Arathorn! Well done, Aragorn. You deserve it. Good job. Congratulations. What just happened? And I swear, guys, we were making out for about 20 minutes before I even realized this chick was a rat turd. Oh, yeah! Been there! When you're a solid dude, you stick by your buddies. You work together play together. That's what friendship's all about. And when your best friend comes out and tells you he's gay, you may not know how to act around him anymore. Make a gesture. Bring along some white wine to let him know you're okay with him being gay, even though you probably won't ever, like, go to a gay bar with him. White wine[Bleep] yeah. Happy birthday, young Ben Tennyson. What's with the crappy gift, Azmuth? Last time I got a watch that turns me into aliens! That was when you were Ben 10. Now that you're Ben 14, you get more grown-up gifts. I saved the world like 40 times this year, and this is what I get? This birthday blows! It's not over yet. Here's your final present. [ Sighs ] [ Groans ] Oh! That's for saving the world. [ Chuckles ] Happy birthday, Ben 14! Come. I-I can't, E. T. This is my home. I'll be right here, Elliott. You know what? I think I will come with you. Oh. Okay. That's great. This is Elliott. He's coming with us I guess. Want to see a picture of E. T. in a dress? Oh, come on, dude. So, you were the one who got stranded on earth. You sound like trouble. Where there's smoke, there's fire. You just pull that glowing-finger thing out for anyone, huh? Aah! Come on, bro. You're kryptonite for vagina. Oh, come on, homes. I thought you were looking for a job. Oh, yeah, I forgot about all those doubles you pulled at the circle k when you weren't playing dress-up with my sister. Sometimes I feel like you were just asking me to come with you to be polite! Oh, looks like the case is closed, Sherlock. That's it! I'm phoning home! Not with my minutes, you're not. When you realize maybe you married the wrong woman, you try not to think about it. When you're jealous that your friend's at gay bars every night, getting laid more than you because he's gay and the pressure to get married at an early age just isn't the same in his world, you keep that to yourself. And you hammer down a half a bottle of white wine to help you forget. White wine[Bleep] yeah. Meow. I regret that I have but one life to give for my country! Nice try. Get nine nooses! Meow. Damn it. You like the show, ladies? Good, good. Oh, hello. What have we here? You want to come backstage? Uh, isn't she a little young? I'm gonna check her I. D., woman! I'm not gonna check your I. D. So, my idea is a bank that also reports the news and produces movies and TV shows. Combine them all into one? I love it, Jered! Mama, who's missing? At every passover seder, we set a place for the prophet Elijah. Have I met him? No, little shevvetz. The prophet Elijah died 3,000 years ago on a night just like this one. Ooh! Tell me the story, papa! Yes, tell us the story, papa! [ All shriek, scream ] Oh, gefilte fish? Gross. I love being psychically bonded to my sectaur. He does everything I do. Hey, where's skulk? He wouldn't go far without his tarantula. He said he was doing his taxes. [ Tarantula groaning ] [ Tarantula crying ] Uh, maybe we should, uh yeah, let's just get the [bleep] out of here. [ Tarantula continues crying ] Oh, now, here's an affordable little beauty. Fully automatic. What does "horsepower" mean? Well, it means this car is better than 126 horses. How'd you figure that out? Well, you see ladies and gentlemen, I don't believe it either, but this corolla has bested 124 horses right before our eyes, though I'm betting these next three thoroughbreds will have something to say about that! [ Horse whinnying ] [ Engine revving ] [ Buzzer ] [ Tires screech ] [ Crowd cheers ] [ Horse neighs ] [ Tires screech ] Aah! [ Horse whinnies ] [ Buzzer ] So, you know, there you have it. Are you on cocaine? Oh, hot-diggity! I can't believe I ate the whole thing. I really got my rocks off. Orange you glad I tickled your asshole? Hey, I didn't ask you to do that. When you follow your buddy to a gay bar just once, just to see what it's like, you dress the part. When you decide receiving oral doesn't really count as gay, you're on your way to an adventure. But when you realize that gay or not, it does count as cheating on your wife, buddy, it's time for white wine. White wine[Bleep] yeah. All right, what do we got in here? O. J., purple stuff, soda [ Gasps ] Look! Sunnyd! Wait, what the hell is purple stuff? It doesn't even have a label. You think it'll get us high? Only one way to find out! [ Horn blares ] David! Don't you die on me! [ Coughs ] I might not have to. What do you mean? One last theory about purple stuff. [ Liquid hisses, bubbles ] [ Bones cracking ] [ Gasps ] It -- it worked! Okay, let's see. O. J. , sunnyd, soda hey, who took my purple stuff?! Aw, dad damn it! [ Gulping ] Ugh! God! It's like someone poured a bottle of perfume into orange juice. Take it easy on me, huh, doc? You got it, Sal. [ Grunts ] Aah! Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart! By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet! All: [ Unenthused ] Go, Planet. Whoa. Really not feeling the love today, kids. It's not my abs, is it? I switched trainers. I've just got to rehire Jenny. No, cap. Today's mission is gonna be kind of intense. Has Hoggish greedly reunited the Eco-Villains again? No, Captain Planet. So who is this villain in need of a good, sound thrashing? Oh, no! Have eco-terrorists taken over the Capitol? You might say that. The United States is the second-largest polluter on earth, behind China. To truly make a difference we must overthrow the United States government. [ Laughs ] Is Ashton Kutcher around here somewhere? [ Chuckles nervously ] We're not waging war on America. Not just America! Once we command the U. S. Military, we'll fight China to the death. This is so important, Gi will fight her own people! I'm from Thailand. The capital of China. I won't let you! [ Grunts ] Aah! Ha! Aah! [ Grunts ] Oh! Why? [ Screaming ] You leave me no choice. [ Grunts ] Ma-ti, I thought you were the power of heart. Hearts were made to be broken. Whoa. This just took a dark turn. [ Grunting ] In the news tonight, the famous ecological heroes The Planeteers attacked the U. S. Capitol today. Bob, The Planeteers showed no mercy for approximately 5 to 10 seconds before they were all shot in the back by an overweight security guard here at the very first checkpoint. We're hearing from the families that the bodies will not be cremated due to environmental concerns. They'll be mulched. Ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-gawk! Bawk.