Dungeons and Discords


 * Discord: Tea?
 * Fluttershy: [gasps]
 * Discord: Trendy coats? Bedrolls? Saddlebags? Oh! A surprise vacation just for the two of us? How thoughtful. I hear Puerto Caballo is lovely this time of year. Sand like powdered sugar. [blows]
 * [sprinkling]
 * Fluttershy: Um, Princess Celestia's taking us on an overnight goodwill tour of Yakyakistan. I just found out.
 * Discord: [gasps] So what you're saying is no tea? Ugh. Well. [clears throat] That's fine. I wasn't thirsty anyway.
 * Fluttershy: If you're looking for something to do, you could spend the evening with Spike and Big Mac.
 * Discord: [laughs]
 * [beat]
 * Discord: You aren't kidding.
 * Fluttershy: They're very nice. They have a "top secret" thing they do whenever we leave Ponyville. Although everypony knows about it, so it's not a very good secret. I think you'd have fun with them.
 * Discord: Fun? With sidekicks? Oh, you must think that we're in a dimension where everything is opposite. [snap] "Da-dee-la! I'm Opposite Discord, and I want to hang out with Spike and Big Mac! I'm sure I'd have fun!"
 * Opposite Fluttershy: Well, guess what, Sassafras?! I'm Opposite Fluttershy, and I'm sick of being nice and quiet all the time!
 * Discord: [snap] Let me explain it to you as simply as I can. Me? Amazing! Them? Well, I've already forgotten who we're talking about. You see?
 * Fluttershy: All I'm saying is it's an opportunity to expand your circle of friends. [coddling] Unless you're afraid they won't like you?
 * Discord: Oh, please. Don't stoop to tedious reverse psychology. You're better than that.
 * Fluttershy: It never hurts to make new friends.
 * Discord: [scoffs] Consider it considered.
 * [magic poof]
 * Fluttershy: [humming] [gasps]
 * Discord: Couldn't I just come with you instead?




 * Discord: I suppose this is goodbye then. Have an absolutely fabulous voyage. [snap]
 * [magic zap]
 * Fluttershy: Discord...
 * Discord: [gasps] Well, it's not my fault the new train route leads into an active volcano. Guess you'll have to stay.
 * [beat]
 * Discord: Oh, you're no fun. [snap]
 * [magic zap]
 * Applejack: I got my bedroll, parka, unattractive but functional hikin' boots... Uh, anything I forgot, Pinkie Pie? You're our resident Yakyakistan expert.
 * Pinkie Pie: Nope! I brought yeti food!
 * [beat]
 * Pinkie Pie: Did I forget to mention there's a pony-eating yeti on Frost Field Glacier? We're gonna have so much fun!
 * Rainbow Dash: Heh. If he messes with us, I'll turn that yeti into confetti!
 * [train whistle blows]
 * [train chugging]
 * Applejack: Heh. Somepony's in an awful quick hurry to get us out of here. Don't y'all have too much fun without us.
 * Twilight Sparkle: I bet you boys have big plans. Right, Spike?
 * Spike: I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. Although if I did, I certainly wouldn't be allowed to discuss it with you girls.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Buh-bye!
 * [train whistle blows]
 * Applejack: Bye, y'all!
 * [train chugging]
 * [train whistle]
 * [long beat]
 * Big McIntosh: [unintelligible whispering]
 * Spike: [whispering] Uh, I dunno what to say. I mean, I hope he comes but I kinda don't want him to think of it...
 * Big McIntosh: [hushed] Yup.
 * [magic zap]
 * Discord: Fascinating article, yes? [nervous laugh] [hushed, to himself] Don't let them come over, please don't let them come over, please don't let them come over, please, please, please— [normal] Oh, salutations, my friend! Wish I could stay and chat, but I don't want to.
 * Spike: Wait! Um, we were wondering... What are you up to tonight?
 * Discord: [to himself] Oh, here we go...
 * Spike: Do you wanna, I don't know, hang out? Is that, like, something you do?
 * Discord: Oh, Twilight's friend and Applejack's monosyllabic brother, if only I weren't super busy this evening.
 * Spike: [to Big McIntosh] I guess guys' night will just be you and me.
 * Discord: A guys' night? You mean a rowdy evening of reckless revelry? Zoot suits, fedoras, swing dancing?
 * Spike: Eh, something like that. [nervous] You should totally come. Three of us would be way better than two...
 * Discord: That does sound fun, actually...
 * Spike: Too bad you're busy.
 * [magic zap]
 * Discord: Well, I suppose I could squeeze you in if I move a few very important ponies around.
 * [click]
 * Discord: [gravelly accent] June, honey, be a dear. Reschedule Luna and Cay-Cay. [normal, aside] That's what I call Princess Celestia, what a hoot! [gravelly accent] In fact, clear the whole evening. Tonight is guys' night. These fellas invited me to spice things up and bring a little class to the whole affair.
 * [magic zap]
 * [rumble]
 * Discord: [normal voice] Tonight will be the best night of your lives, and not just because you get to bask in my greatness.
 * Spike: I do like basking in things. See you tonight. [hushed] Twilight's castle. The fun starts promptly at sundown.
 * Discord: Technically, the fun starts when I arrive, but I'll make sure it's around sunset. Adieu, fellas.
 * [magic zap]


 * Spike: And... we have sundown. Repeat, we have sundown. I declare tonight's guys' night ceremonies officially open!
 * Big McIntosh: Eeyup!
 * Spike: It's guys' night.
 * Big McIntosh: Yup.
 * Spike: Oh, yeah.
 * Big McIntosh: Yup.
 * Spike: Havin' fun now.
 * Big McIntosh: Yup.
 * Spike: Oh, yeah!
 * Big McIntosh: Oh, yeah!
 * [fanfare]
 * Spike: What the hay?
 * [cartoon skedaddling]
 * Mini-Discord: [high-pitched] Announcing the much anticipated arrival of the spirit of chaos and disharmony, the purveyor of pandemonium, lord of lawlessness, earl of turmoil, bringer of bedlam... [imitating fanfare] Discord!
 * [electronic music playing]
 * [confetti exploding]
 * [magic zap]
 * Discord: So, shall we hop to it? I made a list of the rowdiest establishments in Ponyville. It's rather short.
 * Spike: Actually, we're staying here. I hope you like awesome games!
 * Discord: Games? I love games. I'm great at games.
 * [magic zap]
 * Discord: Famous pony charades? Oh, this is an easy one. Who am I? Huh? Huh?
 * [beat]
 * Discord: Oh, come on!
 * Spike: Uh... I'm talkin' about a real game.
 * Discord: Oh, you mean like trapping best friend ponies in hedge mazes and turning them against each other. Those were the days.
 * [Celestia's mane yowls]
 * [magic zap]
 * Spike: Not exactly. Wait here.
 * [beat]
 * Discord: Whatever it is, it can only get better by adding me to the mix.
 * Spike: [off-screen] Okay!


 * [click]
 * Spike: In a world where evil reigns supreme, a small band of warriors stands tall against the darkness. This is... Ogres & Oubliettes!
 * Discord: [gasps]


 * Discord: Oh, this looks like...
 * Spike: The best game ever? You're right!
 * Discord: Yes...
 * Spike: Ogres & Oubliettes is a fantasy role-playing adventure game. Our goal, defeat the evil Squid Wizard, or... [stifling laughter] as we call him... the Squizard!
 * Big McIntosh: [stifled laughter]
 * [beat]
 * Spike: [chuckling] [clears throat] The Squizard has laid siege to the last free city in Spiketopia. That's the name of the land. He's kidnapped a beautiful unicorn princess named Shmarity. [beat] Uh, which is like a normal name in Spiketopia, so, you know, don't think about it too much.
 * Discord: Fear not. Your romantic delusions are safe with me.
 * [zip!]
 * Spike: First things first – you've gotta create a character! Name?
 * Discord: How about... Discord?
 * Spike: [sighs] The whole point of the game is you get to use your imagination to be someone you're not. I'm Garbunkle, a famous magician. Everyone treats me with the utmost respect.
 * Discord: Just like in real life?
 * [crack]
 * Spike: And don't get jealous, but I'm a level 30 Enchanter with major skill points assigned to Intellect and Perception.
 * [hairdryer running]
 * Discord: [not listening] Go on, I'm listening.
 * Spike: Big Mac's character is Sir McBiggun, a level 27 Black Knight Unicorn from Castle Chadwick!
 * Discord: [still not listening] I'm listening.
 * Spike: When his king aligned himself with the Squizard, Sir McBiggun would not besmirch his honor.
 * Big McIntosh: Nnope!
 * Discord: [clears throat] [mumbling] I'm listening.
 * Spike: And so it came to pass, the magician and black knight vowed to rid Spiketopia of the evil Squizard.
 * [balloon deflating]
 * Spike: So, your character's name?
 * Discord: I already have the best name in the universe. Why would I change it for something like "Captain Wuzz"?
 * Spike: Captain Wuzz it is!
 * Discord: [groans]
 * Spike: What class are you, Captain Wuzz? There's Archers, Mages, Rogues...
 * Discord: [snorts] Can I suggest we take a break and, I don't know, go out and have some fun? Ponyville's not going to paint itself red.
 * Spike: You'll love it once we get started! [rolls die] How 'bout an Archer?
 * Discord: Sounds just as miserable as the other options. So fine.
 * [tok]
 * Spike: Sir McBiggun, are you prepared to enter the world of Ogres & Oubliettes?
 * Big McIntosh: Eeyup.
 * Spike: Discord, or should I say, Captain Wuzz, are you—
 * Discord: Oh, get on with it.
 * Spike: [rolls dice] We find ourselves trapped in the dungeon of the evil Squizard. The bars are locked tight.
 * [beat]
 * Spike: The bars exist in our imagination.
 * Discord: Really? You describe things, and then we pretend it's real?
 * Spike: It is real. In our imagination. It's your turn first. What do you wanna do?
 * Discord: Curse myself for attending this infernal evening? Ohhh, no, you mean in the game.
 * Spike: Well, you can do whatever you want. Then, I roll this twenty-sided die and see if you're successful.
 * [clang]
 * Discord: I stick my head through the bars and demand for the immediate release of the Lord of Chaos.
 * Spike: That's a big risk. You have to roll a seventeen or higher to succeed. [rolls die] Ooh, bad idea. The guard gets mad.
 * Discord: This spell here. I transform him into a parsnip.
 * Spike: You need eleven Intelligent points to cast a Transform Into Root Vegetable spell.
 * Discord: I'm not intelligent? I cast it anyway because this game is stupid.
 * [thud]
 * Spike: [rolls die] The spell backfires. So [stifling laughter] your claws grow leaves and transform into parsnips!
 * Big McIntosh: [chuckling] Parsnips. [laughs]
 * Discord: [growls]
 * Spike: The guard laughs. He calls his friends over, and they laugh too.
 * Spike and Big McIntosh: [laughing]
 * Discord: Don't you laugh at me, Big Mac! Does it really say that? Let me see.
 * Big McIntosh: [laughing]
 * Spike: [rolls die] [laughs] As you get angrier, everypony laughs harder!
 * Discord: I seal Sir McBiggun in a magic bubble until he stops laughing!
 * Spike: I told you, you can't do magic!
 * Spike and Big McIntosh: [laughing]
 * [magic zap]
 * Big McIntosh: Whoaa! Nope! Nope! Nope!
 * Discord: "Not intelligent enough." Please.
 * Spike: Cut it out, Discord!
 * Discord: Oh, this game is insufferable! Let me show you a real guys' night!
 * [snap]


 * [upbeat jazz]
 * Discord: [laughing] This is the life! Jazz, dancing, the best table magic can buy! This is what guys' night is all about. Am I right, fellas?
 * Big McIntosh: Eeyup!
 * Spike: I know you probably didn't do this on purpose, but this table's the perfect size and shape!
 * Discord: I don't think so. Let's have a drink. Chocolate milkshakes?
 * Spike: [sighs] No, we want to go back to Ogres &—
 * Discord: Oh, how 'bout a different game? [magic zap] Those are very bad cards.
 * Spike: Stop messing with us! We wanna—
 * [magic zap]
 * Discord: A dance contest?
 * [upbeat jazz BGM]
 * Discord: Surprise! We won!
 * Spike: Discord!
 * Discord: [sinister] Yes?
 * Spike: Look, we don't wanna do these things. We wanna play our game. If you don't want to play with us, you can, I don't know, sit and watch.
 * Discord: Sit and watch? Fine. We'll play your game. [reverberating] Are you ready to enter the world of Ogres & Oubliettes?
 * [magic zap]


 * Sir McBiggun?!
 * Eeyup!
 * And I'm... Garbunkle? That means... Sweetness! We're in the game! Check it out! Ka-zam!
 * [magic zaps]
 * [shings]
 * It's guys' night!
 * Eeyup!
 * Oh, yeah!
 * Yup!
 * In the game now!
 * Yup!
 * Oh, yeah!
 * Oh, yeah!
 * Discord, where are you? This is great! You made the game real!
 * Discord: [reverberating] [laughs] Aren't games fun?
 * Should we be worried he's using his scary voice?
 * [army marching]
 * Squizard: Behold! I am the Squizard!
 * and : [gasps]
 * Discord: [reverberating] [chuckles] You're welcome.
 * Squizard: Attack!


 * [army shouting]
 * Run!
 * and : [panting]
 * [arrows being fired]
 * Discord: [reverberating] You find yourself on the battlefield. A barrage of arrows rains down on you. If you roll a fifteen or higher, the shield protects you. Fourteen or lower and, well... [laughs] You get the idea.
 * [thud]
 * [magic zap]
 * Discord: Seventeen! Lucky you!
 * [grunts]
 * Discord: Boo.
 * and : [panting]
 * Discord: Boo.
 * and : [screaming]
 * Discord!
 * [magic zap]
 * Discord: Sir McBiggun, I'd cover the entrance if I were you.
 * [shing!]
 * This isn't funny!
 * Discord: Isn't this what every gamer wants? To live the game? Like this?!
 * [magic zaps]
 * [thud]
 * Ugh!
 * [army shouting]
 * [thud]
 * [groans] This kinda hurts! Like, real pain!
 * [magic zap]
 * Discord: Oh, how kind of you to notice. It's the little details that really bring alternate dimensions to life, wouldn't you say?
 * Discord, this is awful!
 * [magic zap]
 * Squizard: Of course it is! Spiketopia will be mine! And Rarity shall be my bride!
 * [beat]
 * Squizard: I mean, Shmarity.
 * [magic zap]
 * and Big McIntosh: [gibbering]
 * [thud]
 * Why are you doing this? You're the worst!
 * Discord: If I'm the worst, then why did you invite me?
 * Because we felt bad for you!
 * Discord: Because you... what?!
 * [snap]


 * [magic zap]
 * Spike: [panting] We're okay, we're okay! No thanks to you, Discord!
 * Discord: You felt sorry for me?
 * Spike: Who wouldn't? Fluttershy told us you practically begged her to stay! And then at the train station, you were just standing there, all alone!
 * Discord: This can't be. I'm supposed to feel sorry for you because I'm me and you're you.
 * Spike: [sighs] We only invited you to be nice! I mean, you're kind of a... weirdo!
 * Big McIntosh: Eeyup.
 * Discord: I ruined your night, and you don't even think I'm cool? Ugh. [zap] [muffled] How embarrassing. I should go. [normal] I have a lot of other friends I need to see tonight.
 * Spike: Good!
 * Discord: Yes, so many other friends. [whimpers] Farewell, Garbunkle the magician and brave Sir McBiggun. May providence smile upon thee in thy quest to rid Spiketopia of the dreaded Squizard... [sighs] When I say it that way, the game doesn't sound half bad.
 * [magic zap]
 * Discord: Oh, well.
 * [magic zap]
 * Spike: [sighs] It... it's better this way, right?
 * Big McIntosh: Eeyup.
 * Spike: Because... now he can't bother us, 'cause he's off somewhere by himself... all alone... with no friends.
 * Big McIntosh: Yup.
 * Spike: [sighs] [clears throat] [unenthusiastic] We find ourselves in the dungeon of the evil Squizard. The bars are locked, and... Ah, who am I kidding? We should give him another chance. [clears throat] Captain Wuzz? Can you hear me?
 * [magic zap]
 * Discord: Oh! You realized how amazing I am and that I make you cooler just by being around me?
 * [beat]
 * Discord: Uh... [stammering] No, no, actually, that's not what I meant to say... I'm... sssssss...
 * Spike: What?
 * Discord: I'm ssssssss—
 * Spike: Can't hear you.
 * Big McIntosh: Nope.
 * Discord: I'm trying to say I'm sorry, all right?! I'm sorry for ruining your game, and I'm sorry that I thought I was better than you! [pants] [quickly] Now let's play before this evening gets any sappier, shall we?
 * [magic zap]
 * Big McIntosh: [unintelligible whispering]
 * Spike: Huh? Yeah, yeah! Okay! What if we forgot the board and the pieces for a minute? I mean, the whole game coming to life was completely terrifying, but also kind of the best thing ever! So, uh, Big Mac and I were wondering... What if you toned it down just a teensy bit?


 * [main cast chattering]
 * [doors open]
 * Mane Six: Huh?
 * [army shouting]
 * I've got your back, Captain Wuzz!
 * [magic zap]
 * Wha-hah!
 * [grunts]
 * , and : [panting]
 * Squizard: [evil laughter]
 * [accented] Garbunkle! Follow my lead!
 * [magic zap]
 * Squizard: [squeaks]
 * [crunch]
 * Bull's-eye!
 * Nice one!
 * and : It's guys' night!
 * Eeyup!
 * and : Oh, yeah!
 * Eeyup!
 * and : Having fun now!
 * Eeyup!
 * and : Oh, yeah!
 * Oh, yeah!
 * Twilight Sparkle: We should just close the door and let them finish... whatever this... is.
 * Rainbow Dash: No way! Did you see Big Mac's sword? I totally want in!
 * Pinkie Pie: Yeah! I don't know what it is, but it looks like super duper fun!
 * Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash: Guys' night!


 * [credits]