The Nothing Club

''[The episode begins with the camera zooming in at the camp. The camera then cuts to the dock at the lake, with some sailboats on the beach. One boat has "We Love Lumpus" on its sail.]''

Lumpus: "Well Slinkman, are the boats built to my specifications?" Edward: "All built from your directions, sir!" Lumpus: "What is this duck-billed polliwog saying?" Slinkman: "He's a platypus sir, and he just earned this Leadership Badge for leading the boat builders in- [Lumpus interrupts him] Lumpus: "Eh, goody-good, here you go." [sticks the badge on Edward's face] Edward: [takes the badge off his face] "Thank you, sir. I will wear it proudly and I will- [Lumpus interrupts him] Lumpus: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Now let's see how these young boat builders did. [Lumpus inspects the boats] Yes, followed my plans perfectly. Seems seaworthy enough, the sailors do. Alright. [Lumps sees a "boat" made of bricks] Oh, wait a minute! What the heck is that?" Slinkman: "Uhhhh..." Lumpus: "Is that a boat made of brick and concrete?" Slinkman: "Appears to be, sir." Lumpus: Heh-heh, and who built that wonder of science?" Slinkman: "Lazlo and Jelly Cabin, sir." Lumpus: "Jelly Cabin? [Lumpus, then Edward, then Slinkman laugh] Have the Coast Guard standing by!" Slinkman: "Nautical humor." Lumpus: [yawns] "This should be good. [on a megaphone] Sailors in launch positions! On your mark, get set, launch!" [All the scouts, except Jelly Cabin, launch their boats into the lake, and the boats sink. The camera cuts to Jelly Cabin's boat.] Lazlo: "Captain to engine room, are you ready?" Clem: "Ready!" Lazlo: "Thrillseeker?" Raj: "Ready!" Lazlo: "Warp speed!" Clem: "Warp speed!" [Clem turns on a fan and the boat rockets across the lake with Raj waterskiing] Raj: "I am seeking thrillness!" Lumpus: "I don't believe what I'm seeing. That does it! Because of Lazlo, you all flunk!" Ping Pong and Samson: "Flunk?" Lumpus: "And no badges today! Let go you polliwog! [attempts to grab the badge away from Edward] Slinkman, get out my Lazlo punching bag!" Slinkman: Yes, sir. Edward: [angry] "Laz! Lo! ''[The scene changes to Lazlo walking through the camp. Lazlo walks up to Edward and Samson, who are having a conversation.]'' Lazlo: Good morning, Edward! Good morning, Samson! [Edward gets angry and him and Samson walk off] OK, see ya!" [Lazlo continues walking and walks up to the Lemmings] Hi, Leonard! Hi, Larry! Hi, Louie!" [they run off; Chip and Skip run up to Lazlo] Chip and Skip: "Uh..." Lazlo: "Hi, guys!" [they run off, with Skip tripping and falling; Lazlo continues walking and comes across Edward and Ping Pong] Hi, Ping! Hi, Edward! Whatcha talking about?" Edward: [angrily] "Nothing!" [The scene changes to Jelly Cabin.] Lazlo: Everyone, periscopes down! Raj: "Periscopes down!" Lazlo: "Radar contact off the starboard bow!" Clem: [under the bed, pushing a flashlight forward] "Kasploosh!" Lazlo: Uh-oh, torpedo at nine o'clock! Raj: [panicking] Lazlo: [hearing some music] "What's that?"Raj: "Music?" Clem: "Disco!" Lazlo: [walking to the doorway] "It's coming from that treehouse." Raj: "Treehouse?" [camera cuts to a treehouse with lights coming out of it] Clem: "Where?" Raj: "I've never noticed that before." [Lazlo, Raj and Clem run up to the treehouse] Lazlo: "Hello? [the music stops] Looks like we're too late for whatever's up there. [they walk off screen and the music and lights start again; they run back and the treehouse goes silent and dark; they turn around and take a step and the treehouse comes back to life, they turn around and the treehouse is silent again] Well, it looks like whatever is up there is over." Raj: "Why weren't we invited to whatever is up there?" Clem: "Not on the list, whatever's up there." Lazlo: Maybe it's exclusive, whatever's up there." Raj: But who would make an exclusive-whatever at Camp Kidney?" Lazlo: "Aw, who cares! We don't need a club, we got each other!" [they walk off screen; the camera cuts to the treehouse with Edward peering out the window and laughing] [The scene changes to the camp showers with Raj and Clem inside. Edward is waiting outside.] Raj:: "I like to get squeaky clean, like a squeaky duck!" Clem: "Squeaky duck!" [they are singing in the showers when Edward walks in] Edward: "Hope we didn't keep you boys up last night, ya know, with all our wild disco music. Yep, with our new club we got pretty crazy. What with that all-you-can-drink soda fountain we've installed, you know how it is. It's kinda funny really, we only had that one record to play. We sure could use a good DJ." Raj: [gets an idea] "DJ?" Edward: "Yep. A club DJ would be very popular." [Raj is shown DJing at a club with everyone dancing and Amber looking at him] Edward: Oh, and another thing we don't have is a professional bathroom attendant. [Clem gets an idea] I hear they're all the rage in the treehouses on Park Avenue." [Clem is shown doing his job in a bathroom] Clem: [sighs] Edward: Yep, you guys would be perfect for our club, as long you don't tell Lazlo." [walks out of the shower] [Raj and Clem gasp] Raj: "I wouldn't join a club without Lazlo." Clem: No, me neither." ''[The scene cuts to Jelly Cabin. Lazlo is still in bed and just waking up. He yawns and wakes up and sees that Raj's and Clem's beds are empty. He walks outside and around the camp looking for Raj and Clem.]'' Lazlo: [in the bathroom] "Anyone? Hello?" [he hears Raj] Raj: "Good morning fellow club members! [making scratch noises] Time to party again with Raj's Monster Morning Mix! Lazlo: [walking to the treehouse] "Raj? Clem?" Edward: [appearing at the window] "Why don't you go to your own club? Oh yeah, that's right, you don't have a club, do you, Lazlo! You've got nothing! The Nothing Club! That's your club!" [slams the window shut] Lazlo: "The Nothing Club? That's my club. Nothing. [Lazlo sadly draws a square in the dirt and steps inside the square] "Well here I am, in the Nothing Club. [gets an idea] Not bad! Here's the couch and the juice bar. The rec room is down the hall next to the pool. Fire exits are clearly marked. Hmm, I think I'll move [moves the "vending machines"] the vending machines next to the kitchen. [realizes the "roof" leaks] Was that a drop I felt? I'll have to re-tar the roof before I lay down the new carpet. Uh-oh! Looks like I wandered into the Hall of Mirrors again. Now why on earth did I have this silly thing installed? It'll take me hours to find my way out. [bumps into a "mirror"] Ha! It fooled me! It was a mirror! Ha ha! Wrong! Ha! Left turn! Oh ha ha ha! That's me!" [continues walking around] Edward: "Settle down members, settle down. Now that we've gotten all the fun and games out of our systems, it's time for us to come down to the real reason we're here, to talk about how much we despise Lazlo. [stands up menacingly] Welcome to the Anti-Lazlo Club!" [camera cuts back to the Nothing Club] Lazlo: "There you go, that's a good boy." Nina: [walking up to the club] "Lazlo, what are you doing?" Lazlo: "Oh, hi, Nina! I was just feeding our mascot. Our club has a dinosaur for a mascot. It was a gift from the emperor of France." Nina: "What club?" Lazlo: "The Nothing Club." Nina: "What is the Nothing Club?" Lazlo: "It's a club that we make up together." Nina: "Together? That's pretty cool." Lazlo: "Yeah! Wanna join?" Nina: "Sure." Lazlo: "The door's open, but watch your head." Nina: [raises the "doorway"] "No need, I raised the doorway." Lazlo: "Then I lowered it again!" Nina: "Then I guess I bumped my head." [Nina and Lazlo laugh] [camera cuts back to Edward's club] Edward: "OK, because we all hate Lazlo, I'm looking for bad and deplorable stories about him. Anyone?" Ping: "Hate Lazlo?" [meanwhile, the other scouts are whispering amongst themselves for ideas] Raj: "I'm not feeling good about this." Edward: "Well, no one? [Samson raises his hand] Yes Samson?" Samson: "May I go to the bathroom?" Edward: "No! Alright, I'll start you off. Lazlo..." Ping Pong: "Lazlo gave me his own dessert." Edward: "And that was bad, why?" Ping Pong: "It wasn't my favorite flavor." Edward: "A-ha, now we're getting somewhere!" Ping Pong: "But it's my favorite flavor now." [Edward slaps his face in frustration] Edward: "Chip, do you have anything?" Chip: Lazlo fixed my red bicycle for me." Edward: "Oh, oh, and wasn't that the very same bicycle that that got smashed to pieces two weeks later?" Chip: "Yeah. You smashed it." Larry: "Lazlo carried me 7 miles when I broke my leg." Leonard: "Yeah, and he carried me 7 miles when I broke his leg." Larry: "Lazlo taught me how to laugh again." Edward: "ENOUGH ALREADY! [sees Raj and Clem standing at the window] Hey, what are you two doing by the window?" Raj: "It's Lazlo! He's got a pretty good club going on down there." Edward: "A club? What club? [looks out to see Lazlo and Nina dancing] That's not a club, that's nothing!" Raj: "Don't you hear the great music?" Skip: "Oh yeah, I hear it now. I love this song." Edward: "Are you crazy? That's no- hey it that your brother down there?" Skip: "Wooo, Chip! Boogie down! Boogie woogie!" Edward: "Hey, where's that guinea pig?" Samson: "Do I have to be a member to use the bathroom?" Lazlo: "Restrooms are open to the public! Door is open around the other side!" [Samson runs around to the other side and goes in] Lazlo: "Well Samson, what do you think of the Nothing Club?" Samson: " I don't know, uh, nothing?" Lazlo, Nina and Chip: "Yay!" Edward: [ranting while the Lemmings are climbing down the tree] Hey, where are you guys going? Stop! Can't you see, he's got no doors, no walls! My club has the best of everything! Lazlo has nothing! I'VE GOT COLD SODA! Lazlo: "Excellent, Ping Pong, I see you found the club's rocket ship. [to Samson] What are you doing Samson?" Samson: [unclogging the "toilet"] "The toilet's all clogged up again!" Lazlo: [sees Raj and Clem outside the club] "Hey, Raj, hey Clem! Raj: "Hehe, hello, Lazlo. Clem: "Yeah, hello." Raj: "Uh, this is... a little awkward." Clem: "Awkward." Lazlo: Well just don't sit there, come on in! The front door is- Raj: Yes we know, it's around the other side." [while everyone is having a good time in Lazlo's club, Edward remains frustrated] Edward: "I don't get it, I just don't get it. [bangs his head several times, shaking the treehouse] Lazlo, Lazlo, Lazlo, LAZLO! What am I going to do with all this anti-Lazlo merchandise? [Edward sulks in various places around the camp. He goes to the bathroom and walks out and looks at Lazlo's now-popular club. Lazlo sees him and invites him to come in.] Lazlo: "Hey Edward, over here! Come on in!" Edward: "Come on in where?" Lazlo: "Don't bother with the doorbell, we couldn't hear it anyway! The music's too loud! Edward: "There is no music!" Lazlo: "Door's that way!" Edward: "There is no door. I don't see anything! I don't hear anything! [Edward walks up to the club, opens the "door", and hears music] Wait a minute, I hear it! I hear it! I HEAR IT! Lumpus: [to Edward] "Hold it, you're the mutated beaver who organized the boat-building, aren't you? Well beaver, you just turn right around and march on back to the beach, and salvage all of those boats from the bottom of the lake and build them all again! NOW!" Lazlo: "Hey Edward, where are you going? Edward, I wanted to thank you for this club! Thanks for NOTHING!"