Krabby Land


 * SpongeBob: [reads the newspaper while sipping some coffee] Ah, I don't know how you do it, Gare Bear, but that's the best cup of French toast I've ever had.
 * Gary: [sits at the counter] Meow.
 * SpongeBob: Well, time to punch that clock. [puts his hat on and walks into the living room] But not before checking my motivational Quote-a-Day calendar. [calendar reads "June 21"] You are a winner. [hugs himself then looks back at the calendar and gasps] And today's the first day of summer! [cut to the Krusty Krab where Squidward is at the register, bored. SpongeBob walks through the doors with a pink flower around his head. He tosses flower petals into the air] Happy first day of summer, Squidward! [walks over to Squidward] Care to join me for solstice caroling? [sings in a high voice] Walking in the grass, it's so fine, don't need shoes in the summertime! [tosses flower petals at Squidward]
 * Squidward: I'm not much of a summer person, SpongeBob.
 * Mr. Krabs: Davy Jones on the jib! Do my ears deceive me? Is it really the first day of summer? Is it?
 * SpongeBob: [chuckles] Yeah.
 * Mr. Krabs: [does a few back flips in the air] Whee-hoo! [runs over to the window]
 * SpongeBob: [walks up to him] Gee Mr. K., you sure have a scorching case of summer fever! [turns around] What is it about summertime that makes us so happy? The firefly-lit nights, the intoxicating aroma of a charcoal briquette, the hypnotic sound of a lawnmower running over a flip-flop?
 * Mr. Krabs: The money!
 * SpongeBob: The money?
 * Mr. Krabs: Er, uh... I mean, uh... the children!
 * SpongeBob: Oh.
 * Mr. Krabs: You see, boy, during the summer, the children are excused from their classes, a recess commonly referred to as summer break. [sits down on a barrel and SpongeBob sits on his lap]
 * SpongeBob: Tell me more about summer break. [a school bell rings and all the kids run out of the school]


 * Mr. Krabs: Well, during this summer break, the children wander Bikini Bottom unsupervised, their pockets lined with allowance. [a child runs by with a full pocket of coins] Free to spend their money without any parental guidance whatsoever. [pulls down a menu] I guess that's what I like best. [puts a sticker labeled '4.99' next to the Kiddie Meal] Sure, I suppose some would try and take advantage of this situation by selling them toys or candy, but I sleep well at night with the knowledge that I'm providing them with something they need: a nutritious meal. [goes over to the front window] Come here, you little piggies!
 * SpongeBob: I've been taught the true meaning of summer.
 * Narrator: Later... [Mr. Krabs is still standing at the window with the same expression on his face]
 * SpongeBob: [walks up] Almost closing time, Mr. K.
 * Mr. Krabs: What? But that's impossible. [sobs] What about the money? I mean uh... uh... what about the children? [SpongeBob shrugs as Mr. Krabs sighs] I guess summer isn't coming this year.
 * SpongeBob: Hey, maybe they're all at that new playground over there. [points at a playground where kids are playing]
 * Mr. Krabs: Playground? Luring away me young customers. Warm up the boat, SpongeBob. [cut to the playground. SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs pull up in their boat. They peek out using a pair of binoculars]
 * SpongeBob: See anything, Mr. Krabs?
 * Mr. Krabs: Oh, they're here, all right. Just look at them, SpongeBob. [two kids are swinging] So weak and malnourished. [one of the kids is eating a lollipop] With nobody trying to sell 'em nothing. [a kid slides down a slide] Breaks me heart. [cries] No! I've got nothing to live for, SpongeBob!
 * SpongeBob: The way you drove the boat while lying on the ground was kind of cool.
 * Mr. Krabs: True. But that's not gonna get these munchkins away from this playground. Unless... hmmm... see you tomorrow, boy. Got a lot of work to do. [drives off]
 * SpongeBob: You got it, Mr. Krabs... hey! [cut to SpongeBob walking to the Krusty Krab] Another day, another dollar. Gee, I wonder what Mr. Krabs has been up to since I saw him last and then went home to do nothing of particular interest 'til this very moment. [stares at something in the distance] Huh? [a group of kids are lined up at the Krusty Krab where a sign reads "Krabby Land" is hanging. A giant sheet is covering some sort of area. SpongeBob walks up to Mr. Krabs]
 * Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! [sticks the hammer in his belt] You're just in time for the grand unveiling of Krabby Land!
 * SpongeBob: Krabby Land, sir?
 * Mr. Krabs: Yes, Krabby Land! [holds up a sign] Where a kid can have fun... for the right price. [laughs] Welcome to the Krusty Krab, young man. What's your name?
 * Monroe: Monroe.
 * Mr. Krabs: Nice to meet you, Monroe. [picks him up and laughs]
 * Monroe: Whee!
 * Mr. Krabs: [shakes Monroe and hears change in his pocket] Mmm... a-ha! [gets dollar signs in his eyes] Okay, money. I mean, err... children. It's time for the grand unveiling of... money! I mean, Krabby Land! [the kids cheer] Okay, kids, now promise Uncle Krabs that if you get hungry while you're playing, you'll come inside for some delicious, nutritious Krabby Patties.
 * Kids: We promise.
 * Mr. Krabs: All right, here we go! I give you... Krabby Land! [pulls off the sheet that covered the play area]
 * Kids: Yeah! [kids' cheers soon turn into frowns and shocked expressions. The play area is a bunch of cheap rides that break down. A kid tries a slide but it collapses as he tries it]
 * Tyler: Whoa! Ooh, where am I?
 * Mr. Krabs: Eh... that reminds me. I forgot to give you these coloring books/liability wavers! [holds up a stack of paper] Everyone who hands theirs back gets to meet the one and only Krabby the Clown!


 * Kids: Yay!
 * Mr. Krabs: Have fun and don't forget to eat plenty of vitamin-enriched Krabby Patties. [holds up a Krabby Patty] Krabby the Clown's favorite meal.
 * Kids: We want Krabby! We want Krabby!
 * SpongeBob: Where is Krabby, Mr. Krabs?
 * Mr. Krabs: He'll be here after I count their money. Just stall 'em.
 * SpongeBob: Stall 'em? How do I do that?
 * Mr. Krabs: I don't know. Be entertaining. [leaves]
 * SpongeBob: [turns around and sees the kids, angry; he laughs nervously and waves] Hey, kids!
 * Monroe: You're not Krabby the Clown.


 * SpongeBob: No, I'm not. I'm, uh... [puts on a mask] I'm Krabby's beloved sidekick, the Krabby Patty..Umm... Burglar!
 * Kid: Lame.
 * SpongeBob: Krabby will be here soon. He, uh, had to take the bus. But in the meantime, let's have some fun! You kids like bubbles? [picks up a bubble wand]
 * Monroe: No.
 * SpongeBob: Well, you've never seen my bubbles. [blows a jellyfish bubble] Voila! A bubble shaped like a jellyfish. How 'bout that?
 * Kid: Still lame. [bubble pops]
 * SpongeBob: [dips wand again] Okay, prepare to be blown back on your tailfins. [blows a seahorse bubble] Ta-da! [kid pops the bubble] Uh... huh.
 * Kids: You stink! Bring on the clown!
 * SpongeBob: Okay, uh... and now for a finale! [starts blowing a bubble] Oops.
 * Kids: Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!
 * SpongeBob: [the bubble pops in his eyes making it red. He screams] My eyes! [scream and trips over a barrel] Whoa! [crashes into The Pit of Doom which is actually a dumpster then swings over a tire. Lands in a pool of bowling balls then the tire lands on him. Kids start to laugh SpongeBob then begins to think...] [Inner Monologue] They seem to respond to me being in pain. They enjoy other people's misery. [Normal speech] Hey kids, check this out. [picks up his bubble wand and dips it in the bubble soap then throws the wand away. Pours all the bubble soap in his eyes which swell up and he screams]
 * Kids: Woo-hoo!
 * SpongeBob: I got 'em right where I want 'em. [SpongeBob puts a piece of tape on his face and rips it off, revealing a portion of his face is missing and he screams]
 * Kids: Woo-hoo! Yeah!
 * SpongeBob: [lies on the ground with his tongue sticking out. A truck runs over his tongue over and over and he screams]
 * Kids: Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha! [SpongeBob walks up to a muscular guy and hands him some money. The muscular guy hits him with a big hammer. SpongeBob gives the thumbs up] Yeah, woo! [muscular guy smashes SpongeBob with a wrecking ball] Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha!
 * SpongeBob: [SpongeBob gives a thumbs-up. Later, SpongeBob is tied to two poles with a muscular guy holding a can of lima beans; screams as muscular guy shoves a spoonful of lima beans in SpongeBob’s mouth. All the kids cheer]
 * Kids: [laughing]
 * SpongeBob: [being used as a ball in the two muscular guys' ping pong game] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
 * Kids: Yay! [SpongeBob’s arms are getting stretched by two muscular guys] Yeah! [SpongeBob is in two pieces but gives two thumbs up. Cut to Mr. Krabs' office where he is counting the money he has received from the kids. SpongeBob enters his office in pieces]
 * SpongeBob: Ugh. Mr. Krabs? I can't take any more of this stalling stuff.
 * Mr. Krabs: Always thinking about yourself. Get out there and stall! What happened to your arms and legs, boy?
 * SpongeBob: The kids are using them as... boomerangs. [one of SpongeBob’s legs flies in and back out]
 * Mr. Krabs: Boomerangs? Oh no! They might break my windows!
 * SpongeBob: What are we gonna do?
 * Mr. Krabs: Well, now that all their money's counted, tell them Krabby has just arrived!
 * SpongeBob: [hops on top of the table] Really? He's here? [bounces up and down] Oh, boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
 * Mr. Krabs: Get out there and tell 'em!
 * SpongeBob: [walks outside] Listen everybody. Krabby the Clown is in the building!
 * Kids: Yay!
 * SpongeBob: Who do you want?
 * Kids: Krabby!
 * SpongeBob: When do you want him?
 * Kids: Now! Krabby, Krabby, Krabby! [all running up to Mr. Krabs] Krabby! Hooray!


 * Mr. Krabs: Hey kids! Are you ready to meet Krabby the Clown?
 * Kids and SpongeBob: Yay!
 * Mr. Krabs: All right, here you go! [turns around with a blue nose and tie on] Hey kids! Uh, thank you all for coming! Thank you. Eat plenty of Krabby Patties! [laughs and walks back toward his office, leaving children including SpongeBob puzzled] Ah, Krabs, you've done it again!
 * SpongeBob: I'll say you have.
 * Mr. Krabs: [turns around] SpongeBob?
 * SpongeBob: [frowning] How could you, Mr. Krabs? You promised these children Krabby the Clown, but all I saw out there was... Cheapy the Cheapskate!
 * Mr. Krabs: Hey, I ain't cheap! [takes off his fake nose and rubs the blue paint off it] Now take this tomato back to the kitchen before it spoils.
 * SpongeBob: But what about the true meaning of summer? What about the children?
 * Mr. Krabs: [walks to the window] The children? I don't care about the children. [starts to climb out the window] I just care about their parents' money. Ah, the fact that their feeble minds are easily manipulated by cheap playgrounds and talentless clowns is no skin off my nose. [climbs out] Survival of the fittest, SpongeBob! Survival of the fittest. [laughs]
 * Kid: Ahem.
 * Mr. Krabs: Huh? [angry children are standing behind him] Oh, hey kids. [smiles nervously] Uh... Uncle Krabs has to go to the bank now. Heh.
 * Monroe: Get him! [all the kids run after him]
 * SpongeBob: [inside, sounds of Mr. Krabs getting beat up by the kids is heard] [sighs] I suppose I'll never know the true meaning of summer. I thought I knew it once, but that was a long, long time ago.
 * Squidward: You mean this morning?
 * SpongeBob: Yeah. [a noise is heard outside]
 * Monroe: Come on outside, Mr. SquarePants. It's a summer miracle!
 * Kids: [money is falling from the sky] Yay! Hooray!
 * SpongeBob: Wow, thousands of dollars fluttering in the breeze. I guess that's the true meaning of summer.
 * Kids: Hooray! [a kid on top of the Krusty Krab is throwing money down]
 * SpongeBob: Where's Mr. Krabs? He's missing out on all the summer fun.
 * Mr. Krabs: [is tied to poles like SpongeBob was earlier] Let me go! I gotta get some of that green stuff! [a muscular guy places a spoon of lima beans in front of him] No!, not that green stuff! [a lima bean truck backs up] No!, Oh no!