She's Having my Baby Back Ribs

(THEME SONG PLAYING) Who here has six percent body fat, ladies? I do. RACHEL: Very firm. Ooh, very nice. Hey, you wanna see my abs? Already seen 'em. I'll take a gander. Well, if you insist. (GRUNTS) You guys are all so hung up on your bodies. Come on, there's a full pizza here. You think I got abs like this from eating junk? Now wait a minute, I'm not the only one here with a great body. Rachel, you've got the body of a model, baby. (CHUCKLES) Jack, no, I don't. Angela has the best body of any of us. Me? No, you. No, you. No, me. Don't any of you beautiful people have anything better to do? Actually, we're late for class. We gotta go. Let's go. Hey, you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I'll catch up with you guys later. Okay, bye. CORY: Is she gorgeous or what? I tell you, Shawn, I could watch that girl eat pizza forever. Boy, Cor, marriage really agrees with you. Yeah, it does. I mean, I like every wonderful thing we do. Every wonderful thing. I get it, Cor, 'cause you tell me every wonderful day. (SIGHS) (GRUNTS) Oh! (CHUCKLES) Sometimes one button just isn't enough, you know what I'm sayin'? Ooh! Eric, do you think I'm fat? Yeah. You gonna finish that slice? You know, you've packed on a few pounds, too, Eric. That's all right, you know, it's college! You've heard of the freshman 15. You're a senior. Wait a minute. Four years times That's 500 extra pounds! No, you're not that overweight, Eric. Oh, come on, I see the way the girls flock to Jack and his six percent body fat and ignore me and my 70% flab. What am I gonna do? I feel so alone. You're not alone. That's right! You're fat, too! Well, Eric, maybe we can help each other. How? We're pigs. I'll set up a healthy-eating plan, and we'll give each other moral support. Like, if I want a candy bar, I'll come to you. And then we can share it. No, you'll tell me not to eat it. And then I get the whole thing! No, you'll grab it away from me and throw it in the trash can. Eric, are you with me or not? All right. But you can't tell anybody that we're dieting, all right? It's embarrassing. Absolutely. I promise. Not a word. Not a word. Okay. See ya, fatty. (SIGHS) You know what? This is just what I need in my life, a little self-control. Do you think I'm attractive? (CHUCKLES) Of course I do. Come here, I'll prove it. You love me no matter what? Yeah, what's going on? Nothing. Nothing's going on. I know what it is. You do? Yes. You haven't had your morning stack of waffles slathered in butter and swimming in syrup, right? No, I'm really not hungry this morning. What? Wait a minute. You don't want sex, you're not hungry, Topanga, you're starting to scare me. I'm feeling a little bit nauseous this morning. Why can't I zip up these pants! Because they're mine. Oh, no. I've gotta go. She took my pants! I don't understand. These are fabulous! They're so light, so fluffy! You don't have to tell me that. What the heck's going on? Let's try to figure this out. She's tired, no appetite Cranky. nauseous, and couldn't fit into your pants. And stole them. Cory? Yes, Shawn? How would you feel if these two big waffles got all slathered in butter and made a little waffle? I know what you're saying, Shawn. You want seconds. Hold on. Nudnik! Topanga's pregnant. Pregnant? How can she be pregnant? Okay, Cory, let me explain this to you. When a man loves a woman I know about that! Okay, we were very careful. Did you use a Yes! Was she on the Uh-huh. Well, did you try the Everything! I'm not even sure we had sex. Oh, God, what am I gonna do? Okay, first of all, you're gonna talk to her. You're gonna tell her that everything's gonna be okay. But everything is not gonna be okay, Shawn! I can't be a father! I got a paper due on Friday! And I already resent this child for ruining my life, and that's gonna mean therapy for everybody, and, well, mister, I just can't afford that! Well, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she's not pregnant. She's not? Oh, what a load off my mind. Talk to your wife. Find out what's really going on. You're right, you're right. I'll talk to her. Give me your pants. Okay, Eric, we've only been on this diet for 12 hours. Toughen up. Is that you, Topanga? Come on, it's not that hard. I smell danish! Topanga, I can't do this, okay? Women reject me based on who I am, not what I look like. This isn't only about you! I want to be as slender and beautiful as the day Cory met me. You were two years old! I'm telling you, there's danish in this room! No, no! Topanga, no! It's okay. It's okay. Thank you. Thank you. Happy place. Happy place. Okay. Happy place. Come on, it's okay. All right, look, the only way we're gonna do this is if we get through it together! Eric, you are the only one who understands what a problem this is. It's all right, in a few months, everything's gonna be back to normal. Okay. (EXCLAIMS) (SIGHS) All right, Eric. What's going on? Hey, Cor. You smell like chicken! Don't change the subject! I know Topanga confided in you. What did she tell you? She told me that she's in trouble and it's all your fault! Your waffles and butter did this to her! Why would Topanga confide in you instead of her own husband? Because she knew how you'd react! You mean like this? My life is over! Like that? That's why she came to me, okay? People like us have similar appetites. That's how we get into situations like this. You've been in this situation before? On and off since high school. Do Mom and Dad know? Yeah, Mom and Dad know. Dad actually thinks it's kind of funny! Oh, no, Eric, there is nothing funny about this. Every day she gets bigger, my life gets a little more complicated! Your life! Is that all you can think about? What about Topanga, huh? What is she supposed to do? Her body's out of control! She has nowhere to turn! Look, if you can't be supportive, then the best possible thing for you to do is just stay away from her! Just stay away from her! I don't know what I should do! Shawn, you were right! It's true! What is true? Okay. Okay, I'm gonna tell you, but you can't tell anyone. Topanga's pregnant? You did not hear it from me. So that's why they got married. Mmm-hmm. Topanga's having twins. You're kidding! A Canadian billionaire is paying Cory and Topanga $50,000 for the baby. Wow! Who are Cory and Topanga? Oh, good, I'm glad you're all here. I have something very important to discuss with you. We already know. You do? Yeah, Mr. Feeny told us. How do you know? My wife was at the grocery store. She heard it from the produce lady. I am gonna kill that Shawn! Cory, we have some serious reservations about this. Do you realize how difficult it'll be to raise a 14-year-old Chinese boy in a college dorm? Do you even speak Mandarin? I don't know what you've heard, but we are not adopting any Chinese boy. (EXHALES) Oh. Oh, boy, that's a relief. I told you he had more sense. Topanga's pregnant. Topanga's pregnant? Topanga's pregnant? I better go straighten out the produce lady. Hold on a minute, George, I may need someone to stop me from killing him. No, no, this is a family matter. You need to discuss it amongst yourselves. Coward. Damn straight. Before you tear my head off with your whole "responsibility" speech, I just want to let you know that Topanga and I did everything a responsible couple should do. Responsible couples don't have babies. Let him finish. No! Remember how difficult it was for us when you had Eric? When we had Eric. Whatever! I mean, we had no money, and you never got your figure back. I love you. Alan, you are so done talking. Cory, how are you and Topanga gonna deal with this? I don't know. She hasn't even told me yet. You never breast-fed me! Eric! You didn't either! Breast-fed kids are skinny! Formula-fed kids are fat! You know, first, I blamed it on myself. I thought, "maybe glands. " And then I thought, "maybe metabolism. " But then I thought to myself, "I'm no racist. " So it all comes back to you guys! Listen, Porky, we're in the middle of a serious family discussion here. Eric, I have a problem, okay? I have a huge problem, and I have no idea how to handle it. You listen to me, you skinny little breast-feeder, I have had it up to here with you and you and all (HORN HONKS) Mr. Softee! Wait up! May I say something now? If it's constructive. And tonight, take a good look at your own butt. First of all, I'm sorry I overreacted. Believe me, Dad, I took it a lot worse than you did. Your mother and I have been through the same thing, and I was as scared as you are, but we had each other, and we got through it together, hmm? Yeah, your father let me know that there was nothing more important than being there for me, and I've always loved him for that. You guys, do you really think I can handle this? Look, nobody said it's gonna be easy, but you can do it. And remember, you're not alone. We're here for you. Cory, you're having a baby! There is no greater gift. Being a father is the most rewarding thing in my life. Yeah. Well I'm gonna be a father. You know, I was so freaked out about this whole thing that I didn't really think it could be okay. Okay. Okay, so, what do I do now? Go talk to the person you love. That would be Shawn. I'm gonna do the right thing. You're gonna tell Topanga you know about the baby and you can't wait to be a father. You see, Shawn, that's why you'll never amount to anything. You think too small, okay? It's too late to just tell her. I've gotta do something big! I am gonna show her how happy I am by throwing her the biggest surprise unplanned-baby shower anyone's ever seen! Uh, I'm gonna be in Cleveland. You look great. Thank you. Positively glowing. You know, that is so funny, Rachel said that exact same thing to me this morning. As a matter of fact, everybody's been treating me like some kind of queen. We're all very happy for you. Wow, you mean, you can tell just by looking at me? Mmm-hmm. Look I know it's supposed to be a secret, but can I just feel it? Can I feel it? Okay. You can really feel it in my hips. What? This is great, I've only been dieting for three days, and already you guys can notice a difference? Oh, honey, you can't be on a diet when you're pregnant. When I'm what? Look, I know about the baby. Angela, I'm not pregnant. Uh-oh. ALL: Surprise! (ALL CHEERING) Oh, my gosh. Topanga, I love you. Uh, Cory I'm gonna be a father! Cory, I And I'm gonna be a grandfather! You look so lovely! Guys These are for you, and if you miss a day of classes now and then, it'll be our secret. And this is from me and Angela for the baby. You're gonna make such a beautiful mother. ALL: Aw! The baby will love this! Uh, Topanga Chill! I know you're gonna be spending a lot of time at home after that little baby comes along, so So, Jack and I got you this state-of-the-art DVD player. Oh, yeah. I always wanted one! Guys, Nana Boo Boo has been clinging to life waiting for a great-grandchild to spoil With this check for $75,000! (ALL GASP) Cory, we can buy a house! For us and the baby! Oh, yeah, the baby. We had four kids. You never gave us jack. I never liked you. Topanga, don't you have something to say? Yes. I do. Thank you. Thank you, everyone. This outpouring of love means more to me than you'll ever know. All right! (WHOOPING) Everybody, eat up! Eat up! Isn't she beautiful? Oh, yeah, a beautiful liar. Hello, baby! Hello! This is your daddy. I love you. I love you! And I love you. Topanga, did you hear that? He says he loves you. This thing has five channels of sound. But you're not pregnant! I'll get pregnant! Get out of my way. Topanga, I gotta tell you, when I first found out that you were pregnant, I panicked a little, you know? I mean, the whole idea is just so overwhelming. But then I realized how much we love each other and how much this baby is gonna just enrich our lives. Oh, boy. Or girl, as long as it's healthy. Oh, boy. Topanga, we made a baby together. We took a little bit of me and a little bit of you, and we made a baby. And it's gonna be someone that we're gonna take care of for the rest of our lives. Bye. Cory, about this whole pregnancy thing, see, uh, I'm kind of not. What do you mean? I'm not pregnant. You're not? There's no baby in there, Cory. I'm really sorry. Everyone, I have something to say. I don't know exactly how this whole rumor got started, but I'm not having a baby. ALL: What? You know, Shawn was the one that You were the one that said she couldn't fit into her pants! Because I'm fat! That's why I went on a diet. Eric and I went on a diet. I'm not fat. I'm pregnant. Oh, yeah, I'm pregnant, too. I started to feel bad about myself, so I decided to lose a little weight. I mean, it's embarrassing to not be the tall one, or the skinny one, or the one with the eight percent body fat. That's six. The funny thing is that, when all of you guys started treating me differently, I thought it was because I was skinnier. When I found out it was because you thought I was pregnant, I didn't want to let that good feeling go. Topanga, why in the world would you want to go on a diet? Topanga, you're gorgeous! Eric, tell them I'm fat. You're not fat. You're hot! I just told you you were fat so you'd give me your pizza. Hey, fatty! Give me your pizza! Give it! Okay, so maybe I'm not fat, but I'm never gonna look like you, Angela. Honey, I'm never gonna look like you. I'd kill for those curves! You know what? I'm self-conscious about my height. It says 5'2" on my driver's license. And I hate my feet. She has bunions. Shawn What? I'm not perfect. I am. I have almost no butt. Thank you, Mr. Hunter. Unfortunately, we live in a society where they tell us we have to look a certain way. So we're all under pressure to live up to unrealistic expectations. All right, I can't take it anymore. You know, I'm not really perfect. You know why I go to the gym? (EXHALES) It's because in high school, they used to have this little nickname for me. It was, "Jumbo Jack. " Ha! Jumbo Jack! You were fat! I was, all right? I just wanted people to like me. Aw! That's all right, I like you, Jumbo Jack! Topanga, come here. Look You're the most stunningly beautiful woman I've ever seen. That's why I married you. Really? Yeah. I mean, I love everything about you, and that's never gonna change. No baby, darling? No. Then give me back the check. I have a baby. Look how cute this is. Honey, you'll never fit into that. (LAUGHS) Are you disappointed about the baby? A little. I mean, once I got past the overwhelming desire to jump off a bridge, I was kind of looking forward to it, you know? I know what you mean. It's gonna be great, though, someday, you know? Me and you walking arm in arm, pushing our baby through the park. You are gonna be a great father. You wanna go for the DVD player? Not yet. Me neither. That doesn't mean we can't keep practicing. Right! (CORY WHOOPS) TOPANGA: Oh, I love your little love handles! CORY: What? (TOPANGA GIGGLES)