The Play's the Thing


 * [Mail Man walks to the Krusty Krab, whistling a tune, he enters the Krusty Krab and walks to the counter]
 * Mail Man: Delivery for Mr. Squidward Tentacles.
 * [Squidward is not seen at his post]
 * Mail Man: Hello? Anybody here?
 * [SpongeBob gasps]
 * SpongeBob: Squidward's not at his post!
 * [SpongeBob peeks through the window, and descends again. He makes a balloon of Squidward]
 * SpongeBob: Hmm! There's something missing. Ah!
 * [SpongeBob puts his hat on the top of the balloon of Squidward. SpongeBob laughs]
 * Mail Man: Hello! Yoo-hoo? Mail delivery!
 * SpongeBob: Hello, I'm Squidward. Welcome to the Krusty Krab where we never leave our post.
 * [SpongeBob laughs like Squidward]
 * SpongeBob: And how may I help you on this fine day?
 * [Balloon of Squidward's nose deflates]
 * Mail Man: Rrriiiight...
 * [Mail Man puts the mail on the top of the balloon of Squidward. Mail Man runs away from the Krusty Krab and screams. The balloon of Squidward pops. Squidward rises from the floor]
 * Squidward: Hey! It's hard to get my beauty sleep when people keep dropping junk on my head.
 * [Squidward looks at the envelope. He suddenly gets excited]
 * Squidward: Hooray! Yahoo!
 * [Squidward leaps into the air]
 * Squidward: WHOOPEE! Ha ha ha! Whoopee! Woo-
 * [SpongeBob runs in]
 * SpongeBob: PEE!
 * Squidward: Whoo-
 * SpongeBob: Pee.
 * [Squidward's look of happiness fades]
 * Squidward: Whoop...
 * SpongeBob: PEE!
 * [Mr. Krabs appears]
 * Mr. Krabs: Avast, there. What are you all happy about?
 * SpongeBob: I'm on my happy break, Mr. Krabs.
 * Mr. Krabs: You, I'm used to. Why is he so happy?
 * Squidward: I'm holding a package from famous producer Buddy Barracuda. I sent him my play and now, he's gonna produce it!
 * [Squidward leans to Mr. Krabs]
 * Squidward: I quit.
 * [Squidward walks off]
 * Squidward: So long, losers!
 * [Squidward walks and opens the letter]
 * Squidward: Let's see here. Ahem. Oh, yeah.
 * [He reads the letter out loud and walks to a table where Dale and Abigail-Marge are eating]
 * Squidward: "Thank you for submitting your play, entitled 'Squidward: Strokes of Genius'. Your work speaks volumes about you as an artist, a person, and a member of society."
 * [He walks away from Abigail-Marge and Dale, still reading the letter, and walks out the door]
 * Squidward: So it is with great pleasure that we announce we will not be doing your play.
 * [Squidward stops in his tracks and walks back into the Krusty Krab. He retakes his place at the counter. He puts his hat back on his head and sighs dejectedly]
 * SpongeBob: Hey! Squidward! You're back from your amazing success as a playwriter!
 * [Squidward groans. SpongeBob examines his sleeve]
 * SpongeBob: And your shirt, is that a cotton-poly blend? Faaancy!
 * [He looks at Squidward's head, gasps, removes his hat, and massages his scalp]
 * SpongeBob: And just look at your stylish new hairdo.
 * [SpongeBob looks at Squidward's letter]
 * SpongeBob: Say, is that a copy of your play? Oh, my goodness! Are you going to put on your amazing play in our little old Krusty Krab? Oh, you are a true patron of the arts, Squidward!
 * Squidward: Well, I suppose that could work. If people see my play, they'll recognize my genius! And I'll become famous and-
 * Mr. Krabs: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Me customers come here for greasy food at high prices. Not for singin' and dancin'.
 * Squidward: But my play doesn't have singing-
 * SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, people pay to eat, right?
 * Mr. Krabs: Of course.
 * SpongeBob: And they would pay to watch a play, right?
 * Mr. Krabs: Um, I suppose...
 * SpongeBob: Well, if they eat and watch a play, you can charge twice as much!
 * Mr. Krabs: Really? How about four times as much?
 * SpongeBob: Well, I don't see why not!
 * Mr. Krabs: Well...OK. But only on one condition: that you both keep workin'. Because if just one Krabby Patty is late, I'm shuttin' you down!
 * SpongeBob: Hmmm. Now what will we call this eating dinner and watching theater?
 * Squidward: Dinner theater?
 * [Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob laugh]
 * Mr. Krabs: Oh, you. Oh, sure.
 * SpongeBob: No. Come on, let's get serious. We need a title that sounds...dramatic! Got it! We'll call it "Singy Eaty Time!"
 * Squidward: But SpongeBob, there's no singing in my-
 * Mr. Krabs: I love it!
 * [Outside the Krusty Krab, there is a long line of anchovies waiting for auditions. They say "Meep" repeatedly. Inside the Krusty Krab is a large crowd of anchovies, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward]
 * Squidward: Wow! Look at all these aspiring actors wanting to take part in my genius!
 * [Mr. Krabs laughs]
 * Mr. Krabs: And all of them willin' to work for no pay!
 * [The anchovies say "meep" a few more times, then run out the door. When the dust clears, the only one left is SpongeBob]
 * SpongeBob: Did I get the part?
 * Squidward: You got all the parts.
 * [SpongeBob does karate moves and shouts. He jumps to the other side]
 * Squidward: And we let him handle our food?
 * [Nighttime, outside the Krusty Krab, a sign reads "Opening Tonight: : Singy Eaty Time with Squidward Tentacles". A tan fish reads the sign and walks to the Krusty Krab]
 * Frankie Billy: Huh...Singy Eaty Time with Squidward Tentacles.
 * [The fish walks to a curtain]
 * Frank: Hello, can I order? Hello?
 * [Frank walks away. Squidward peeks from behind the curtain]
 * Squidward: It's time!
 * [Squidward runs to Mr. Krabs, who is at the controls]
 * Squidward: Places, people, places!
 * [Mr. Krabs speaks into a microphone]
 * Mr. Krabs: Please take your seats.
 * Squidward: Dim the house lights.
 * [Mr. Krabs pulls a lever marked, Lights 1. Outside, the lights go out completely and that can be seen are the fish's eyes. The fish holding the soda slips and falls, shouting. Mr. Krabs pulls a lever marked Lights 2. SpongeBob stands at the grill. The lights go out, but the Krabby Patty catches fire, providing light]
 * Squidward: Bring up the stage lights!
 * [Mr. Krabs pulls a lever marked Stage Lights. The light returns to the Krusty Krab. Harold is seen gnawing on Nat's arm. They look at each other in surprise. Nat presents Harold with a salt shaker. Harold sprinkles salt on Nat's arm and resumes gnawing on it]
 * Squidward: Raise the curtain!
 * [Mr. Krabs pulls the rope, raising the curtain]
 * Mr. Krabs: How much am I gettin' for this?
 * [The curtains rise, and Squidward rises to the counter. The play begins]
 * Squidward: Onto this world, an octopus was born. A cephalopod with promise and potential.
 * Fish: Um, I'd like a Double Krabby meal with extra kelp...
 * [Squidward pushes him away]
 * Squidward: Go away, go away, shoo, shoo, go away, go away.
 * [Mr. Krabs appears from the window behind Squidward]
 * Mr. Krabs: What did I tell you? You do your job, or I'm shuttin' you down!
 * Squidward: Fine.
 * [Squidward walks to the customer with his order on a tray]
 * Squidward: He had promise until he came to work here, at the Krusty Krab. Serving local morons heart-stopping, artery-clogging garbage, masquerading as food.
 * [He drops the tray on the fish's table]
 * Fish: Yay-hey!
 * [Squidward returns to the stage]
 * Squidward: At the Krusty Krab, his talent was wasted.
 * Nathaniel: Excuse me, can I get a refill?
 * Squidward: No, you ca-
 * Mr. Krabs: Squidward...
 * Squidward: [sighs] Yes, you can.
 * [Squidward walks to Nathaniel with a bucket of soda and splashes it onto him]
 * Squidward: But, who will refill the empty chasm in my soul?
 * [Nathaniel trembles]
 * Nathaniel: I...don't know, man...I don't know.
 * [Squidward returns to the stage]
 * Squidward: His life shattered. Is there any task too demeaning for our hero?
 * Nat: Hey, my Krabby Patty doesn't have ketchup.
 * Squidward: It would appear not. No ketchup! That's terrible! Here, let me help you with that.
 * [Squidward squirts ketchup on Nat]
 * Squidward: Would any of you want this job?
 * [The audience shakes their heads no, and murmurs "no"]
 * Mr. Krabs: Squidward! You get that customer a fresh patty with ketchup! Now! And don't forget to charge him again!
 * Squidward: And then, there's my skinflint boss.
 * Mr. Krabs: What's that, Mr. Squidward?
 * Squidward: Umm, Mr. Krabs, I'm acting.
 * Mr. Krabs: Oh, well, that's okay, then. But get him a Krabby Patty!
 * Squidward: Fine. SpongeBob! One Krabby Patty with ketchup! And now, we come to the worst part of my job...working with him.
 * [The stage rotates so the kitchen is seen]
 * SpongeBob: Huh? Um, ahem, ah...I...uh...I forgot my lines!
 * Squidward: You don't have any lines!
 * SpongeBob: I don't?
 * Squidward: D'oh! Just stand there and act like...yourself!
 * SpongeBob: Oh, I can do that! Ahem! One Krabby Patty coming up!
 * [He puts five patties on the grill. He sees a wrapper on the ground]
 * SpongeBob: [artificially] Oh, what is this. A stray wrapper in my kitchen.
 * [He prepares to put it in the trash, but there's no room for it]
 * SpongeBob: [artificially] Oh, the trash is full. I had better call...the garbage truck.
 * [He acts like a garbage truck, making sounds effects for backing up and lifting the trash]
 * Squidward: [sarcastically] Talent.
 * [Squidward gets a garbage bag flung in his face, covering his face with its contents: : green sludge, a can, a banana peel, a tomato, and some band-aids]
 * Squidward: [sarcastically] Outstanding. Thank you, that'll do. Ahem. But, lo and behold-
 * Frankie Billy: Hey, man! Where's my Krabby Patty?
 * Squidward: His genius was unrecognized.
 * Frankie Billy: Come on, man! I just want my patty!
 * Nat: Yeah, me too!
 * [Squidward gives them dirty looks. As he recites his lines, SpongeBob continues to act like a garbage truck]
 * Squidward: [gets choked up] Taken for granted, uncredited, overlooked, ignored. Disrespected, unappreciated, unloved. But worst of all...underpaid.
 * [Mr. Krabs sits at a table and laughs]
 * Mr. Krabs: It's funny, 'cause it's true!
 * [Nat looks at his watch and taps Frankie Billy on the shoulder]
 * Nat: [whispering] He's done. Order.
 * Frankie Billy: Uh-
 * Squidward: And furthermore!
 * Nat: Oh, there's furthermore.
 * Squidward: (more choked up) Unfulfilled. In a word, his myriad of talents were, (sobs) wasted.
 * [The fish are joined by more impatient customers]
 * Frankie Billy: Oh, come ON!
 * Fish mob: We want Krabby Patties! We want Krabby Patties! We want Krabby Patties! We want Krabby Patties!
 * Mr. Krabs: Squidward! You still haven't given me customers their Krabby Patties!
 * Squidward: All right! SpongeBob, where's that Patty?!
 * [SpongeBob is still acting like a garbage truck. He stops and notices the patties are burnt. He screams at the sight of the ruined patties]
 * SpongeBob: What have I done? Have I let the lure of theater production get between me and my patties?
 * [He presents Squidward with a plate of burnt Krabby Patties in buns]
 * SpongeBob: Squidward, forgive me. I let the glamour of the stage distract me from my true calling: Making sure that every patty I prepare is the best it can be.
 * Squidward: Uh-huh.
 * [He takes the patties from SpongeBob]
 * SpongeBob: No, Squidward, no. Those patties aren't fit for public consumption.
 * Squidward: Here! Enjoy!
 * [He hurls the patties to waiting customers as SpongeBob screams out. A fish removes the top bun and sees the patty is black]
 * Frankie Billy: Ugh!
 * [He replaces the bun and bangs the Krabby Patty on the stage]
 * Frankie Billy: Oh, come on! All that waiting for this?!
 * Squidward: Oh, puh-leeze. You wouldn't know quality if it hit you in the face!
 * [He gets a burnt patty thrown at him. It makes a clang sound when it strikes him. He has a lump where the patty hit him]
 * Squidward: D'oh! I said if it hit YOU in the face!
 * Frankie Billy: Whoa! That was worth the wait! I'll take two more!
 * Frank: I'll take five!
 * Nat: I wanna throw something at him!
 * [Mr. Krabs gets a very happy look on his face. The crowd is waving money, also wanting to throw things at Squidward. SpongeBob steps in]
 * SpongeBob: Wait! Gentle patrons, Krabby Patties are meant to be eaten, not flung. Think of all the joy these greasy, juicy patties and their attendant condiments have given you.
 * Harold: Gosh, he's right.
 * Frank: We shouldn't be so disrespectful of our favorite meal.
 * [SpongeBob sniffles and wipes away a tear]
 * SpongeBob: Bless you all.
 * Patrick: I like throwing food.
 * [He hurls a burnt Krabby Patty at SpongeBob]
 * Fish Crowd: Food fight!
 * [The customers throw food at SpongeBob and Squidward, who shield themselves from the onslaught. Mr. Krabs stands beside a large pile of burnt Krabby Patties]
 * Mr. Krabs: And for you?
 * Frank: I'll take twenty.
 * [Mr. Krabs gives him a large stack of Krabby Patties. Nathaniel is next in line]
 * Nathaniel: Do you have anything heavier?
 * [Mr. Krabs gives him an anchor]
 * Mr. Krabs: Certainly.
 * [The customers throw all kinds of foods and other objects at Squidward and SpongeBob. When Squidward looks at the crowd, he screams. Patrick hurls an anchor at him, giggling goofily]
 * Squidward: Oh boy.
 * [When the anchor lands, the set is destroyed. SpongeBob and Squidward are covered with lumps, bruises, and garbage]
 * Mr. Krabs: Squidward! Squidward!
 * [He runs onstage with a bag of money]
 * Mr. Krabs: Good news. The play is such a success, I've added two more shows and a matinee! Break a leg tomorrow!
 * [Mr. Krabs runs off stage. Squidward and SpongeBob look at the camera and laugh maniacally. A burnt patty hits Squidward in the head and he falls down. SpongeBob laughs even more maniacally]