Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy


 * (This episode begins at Walden's Beach House)
 * Lyndsey: (groans) Oh, God. That feels so good. (moans) Where'd you learn to do that? Chiropractic school?
 * Alan: Long before that. When I was a kid, I had to do this for my mom.
 * Lyndsey: Had to?
 * Alan: If I wanted dessert.
 * Lyndsey: Oh, poor baby. Tell you what, when you're done with my other feet, I'll give you a little dessert.
 * Alan: Thank you, Mommy.
 * Walden: Hey.
 * Lyndsey: Hey.
 * Alan: Oh, hey, How was the opera?
 * Zoey: Magnificent. "Il Trovatore." Walden cried.
 * Alan: Oh. (chuckles)
 * Lyndsey: Oh.
 * Walden: Come on, a guy in a leotard and a skirt realizes he chopped his own brother's head off. That's heartbreaking.
 * Alan: I keep trying to take Lyndsey to the opera, but she won't go.
 * Lyndsey: I'm sorry, I'm just not a fan of fat people singing in a foreign language for two and a half hours.
 * Zoey: Well, opera's not for everyone. To appreciate it requires a refined taste and a certain amount of education.
 * Lyndsey: Whoa. You did not just say that.
 * Zoey: Say what?
 * Lyndsey: I am plenty refined, and I happen to have an Associate of Arts degree from Santa Monica Community College.
 * Zoey: I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to be pejerative.
 * Lyndsey: What's that supposed to mean?
 * Alan: Uh, pejerative is having a derogatory...
 * Lyndsey: I know that the word means!
 * Alan: Sorry, sorry.
 * Zoey: What's community college? Is that like a sort of trade school?
 * Walden: Let's leave it alone. We've already seen one beheading tonight.
 * Lyndsey: Where did you go to college? (exaggerated British accent): Oxford?
 * Zoey: Only for two years.
 * Lyndsey: Aw, did you flunk out?
 * Zoey: No, I transferred to Harvard.
 * Alan: Harvard. The Santa Monica Community College of the East. (chuckles)
 * Walden: What did you say we go get ready for bed?
 * Zoey: Yeah, good idea. (Singing) ♪Mi chiano Mimii♪ ♪Il percha non so sela, mi fo.♪ I also took a semester off to study opera in Florence. That's in Italy.
 * Alan: Wow. That is one talented lady. (chuckles) And by "talented" I mean annoying, and by "lady" I mean bitch.
 * [theme song]
 * (At Walden's Malibu Beach House)
 * Zoey: "Fat people singing in a foreign language." Can you believe her?
 * Walden: No. It's unbelievable.
 * Zoey: Maybe she'd be more appreciative of fat people singing in her native language. No to Pavarotti, yes to Cee Lo Green.
 * Walden: Mm. Forget you? Forget her.
 * Zoey: And then she has the nerve to assault me simply 'cause I have a modicum of sophistication and good taste.
 * Walden: Mm, you do taste good.
 * Zoey: (Sighs) I know what she thinks. She thinks I'm snobbish and condescending.
 * Walden: Mm, but you're not.
 * Zoey: No, I'm not. It's a shame, really. So much I could teach the poor girl.
 * Walden: It's her loss.
 * Zoey: God knows what Alan sees in her.
 * Walden: Yeah, he could totally do better.
 * Zoey: No, he couldn't; he's a complete loser. What are you talking about?
 * Walden: Um, you said... Never mind.
 * Lyndsey: "Refined taste." I'd like to punch her refined to face in.
 * Alan: And you could; you hit hard.
 * Lyndsey: You know what her problem is? She was born with all the advantages and now she thinks she's better than everyone else. Like her poop doesn't stink.
 * Alan: Your poop stinks, honey.
 * Lyndsey: Thank you.
 * Alan: Especially after Indian food. That is a real working-class stank right there. Boy, I am so turned on right now.
 * Lyndsey: What could Walden possibly see in that, in that stuck-up English muffin?
 * Alan: Maybe it's her nooks and crannies.
 * Lyndsey: What?
 * Alan: Uh, you know, English muffin. Uh, nooks and crannies. For the butter. Or margarine, as the case may be.
 * Lyndsey: Are you saying you like her body?
 * Alan: Oh, no, no. No, it's your body that I love. You've got the stinky poop.
 * Zoey: Be honest with me. Have I not been entirely eivil and charming to her?
 * Walden: You have.
 * Zoey': Then why does she give me that attitude?
 * Walden: Who know...? She's crazy.
 * Zoey: Well, I wouldn't call her crazy; she's certainly unpleasant.
 * Walden: That's what I meant. Unpleasant.
 * Zoey: Are you humoring me just so I'll have sex with you?
 * Walden: No. I took you to the opera so you would have sex with me.
 * Zoey: (laughs) You're terrible.
 * Walden: I'm trying to be, but there's a lot of damn bows here.
 * (At Walden's Beach House)
 * Lyndsey: Alan?
 * Alan: Yeah?
 * Lyndsey: I'm sorry I ruined our night.
 * Alan: That's okay.
 * Lyndsey: No, it's not. Let me make it up to you.
 * Alan: Really? I get dessert?
 * Lyndsey: (giggles)
 * Zoey (moaning): Oh, Walden! Oh, my God!
 * Lyndsey: I don't believe it. Do you know what she's doing?
 * Alan: Well, I think I have a general idea.
 * Lyndsey: She wants me to hear that. She's rubbing my nose in it.
 * Alan: Sounds more like she's rubbing his nose in it.
 * Lyndsey: Two can play at that game. (moaning) Oh! Oh! Oh, my God!
 * Alan: What are you doing?
 * Lyndsey: Making love to you. Oh! Oh!
 * Alan: You want me to help?
 * Lyndsey: No, I got this. (moaning) Oh! Oh!
 * Zoey (moaning): Oh! Oh!
 * Lyndsey (moaning): Oh! Oh!
 * Zoey (moaning): Oh!
 * Lyndsey (moaning): Oh!
 * Zoey (moaning): Oh!
 * Lyndsey (moaning): Oh...!
 * Zoey (moaning): Oh, my God!
 * Lyndsey (moaning): Oh, my God!
 * Zoey (moaning): Oh, my God!
 * Lyndsey (moaning): Oh, Alan!
 * Zoey (moaning): Oh, Walden!
 * Lyndsey (moaning): Oh!
 * Zoey (moaning): Oh!
 * Lyndsey (moaning): Oh!
 * Zoey: (Singing high-pitched opera note)
 * (At Walden's Beach House)
 * Walden: Happy Valentine's Day, darling.
 * Alan: You, too, sweetheart. Sounded like you and Zoey were getting an early start on your celebrating last night.
 * Walden': Oh, yeah. You and Lyndsey were making quite a bit of a racket yourselves.
 * Alan: Oh, you heard that?
 * Walden: It was kind of hard not to.
 * Alan: Well, you know how it is. Uh, you and I are like the mailmen. (chuckles) Rain or shine, we got to deliver the old package.
 * Walden: Handle with care.
 * 'Alan: (laughs) Express delivery. (chuckles) No, wait, let me think of another one.
 * Walden: This side up.
 * Alan: Oh. That's good, that's good.
 * (both chuckling)
 * Walden: (sighs)
 * Walden: Oh, who am I kidding? Last night was a complete sham
 * Alan: What do you mean?
 * Walden: Zoey was trying to prove some kind of point to Lyndsey.
 * Alan: So, all that noise was, uh...?
 * Walden: I had nothing to with it.
 * Alan: Sorry. Well, since we're being honest, I should probably tell you... I... had what was probably the best sex of my life last night.
 * Zoey: Good morning.
 * Lyndsey: Huh? Oh, morning.
 * Zoey: Sleep well?
 * Lyndsey: Terrific.
 * Zoey: Good. I was afraid we might have kept you awake.
 * Lyndsey: Really? I was worried we might have kept you awake.
 * Zoey: No, no, I slept like a baby.
 * Lyndsey: Hope you didn't we the bed. (forced laugh)
 * Zoey: (forced laugh)
 * Walden: They're laughing. That's good, right?
 * Alan: Not that laugh. That's the bad laugh.
 * Lyndsey: Shame it has to be raining on Valentine's Day.
 * Zoey: Yeah, well, fortunately, the sun is shining in Cabo San Lucas.
 * Lyndsey: Thanks for the weather report. Now here's Alan with the sports.
 * Zoey: I just meant that's where Walden and I are flying for dinner tonight.
 * Lyndsey: Really? Good luck with LAX. Place is gonna be a madhouse.
 * Zoey: That may well be. Luckily, Walden's got his private jet, so...
 * Lyndsey: Of course he does. Or they could fly down on her private broom.
 * Zoey: What are you and Alan doing to celebrate?
 * Lyndsey: Oh, don't worry about us. We have big plans.
 * Zoey: Ooh. Another festive foot rub?
 * Lyndsey: (forced laugh)
 * Zoey: (forced laugh)
 * Walden: Bad laugh?
 * Lyndsey: As a matter of fact, we're gonna spend the night at a little bed-and-breakfast outside Santa Barbra where we're gonna drink wine, read poetry and have hot, kinky sex. Right, Alan?
 * Alan: Oh, yeah, sure. Uh, sure. The, uh, the holy trinity of Valentine's Day: sips, sonnets and sodomy.
 * Zoey: That's interesting. I can see you as a drunken sodomite, never imagined you liking poetry.
 * Lyndsey: Oh, no, no, I really do. Here's a poem you might appreciate. "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a nice person and you can bite my pale unrefined ass."
 * Zoey: A lady doesn't bite.
 * Lyndsey: Hmm.
 * Zoey: She will however be happy to make you wear that ass as a bonnet.
 * (loud roaring, tires squealing, car horns honking)
 * Walden: What the hell?
 * (At outside)
 * (car horn blaring)
 * Zoey: (gasp) Oh, my lord.
 * Lyndsey: Where's the road?
 * Alan: Probably inside that giant sinkhole.
 * Walden: It looks like nobody's going anywhere today.
 * Zoey (groans): Oh, smashing.
 * Lyndsey: Swell.
 * Walden: Sodomy?
 * Alan: Sodom-ish.


 * (At Walden's Beach House)
 * Lyndsey: So, anyway, then we got married and had my son, Eldridge.
 * Zoey: How long after?
 * Lyndsey: Actually, my water broke during the ceremony. Really put a crisp in the reception.
 * Lyndsey & Zoey: (Laughs)
 * Lyndsey: Tell me about your ex.
 * Zoey: Nigel. Oh, God, how can I describe Nigel? Highly educated, extremely cultured, and as you Americans might say... (American accent): "a total freakin' douche bag."
 * Lyndsey: (Laughs) Really? My ex-husband is as you Brits might say... (British accent): "a right bloosy ranker."
 * Lyndsey & Zoey: (Chuckling)
 * Lyndsey: Looks like we both traded up, huh?
 * Zoey: Yes, absolutely. Cheers to us.
 * Lyndsey: This is turning out to be a pretty nice Valentine's Day.
 * Zoey: It is, isn't it?
 * Lyndsey: Thanks for the tampons, by the way.
 * Zoey: Oh, pleasure. Appears our cycles have synched up.
 * Lyndsey: Probably why we haven't seen the boys for a while.
 * Zoey: We have been a bit out of sorts.
 * Lyndsey: Hmm. Edgy.
 * Zoey: Moody.
 * Lyndsey & Zoey: Bitchy.
 * Zoey: Oh, I do hope our fellows are all right.
 * Lyndsey: I'm sure they're fine.
 * Zoey: Yeah.
 * (At Outside)
 * Alan: Let me go! Save yourself!
 * Walden: No! If you go, I go!
 * (Alan's cell phone ringing)
 * Alan: Hey, Lyndsey. Yeah, we haven't gotten to the drugstore yet. We're in a little bit of a situation here. All right. What kind of ice cream? Seriously, let me go.
 * [End of Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy]
 * [credits]