Mr. Saturday Knight

Mort: On the whole, I enjoy my job as a pharmacist. In fact, many of my customers are your mommies and daddies. Jimmy Hopkins, your mother had awful postpartum depression after you were born. And Danielle, your father had bad, very bad hemorrhoids that stung him unmerciful. Oh, they were awful. They were like stinky little balloons. And I gave him some special ointment and he hurt so bad that he had to apply it in the car with his sock. Thank you. Boy: Cool! I want to be a pharmacist! Boy 2: Oh, yeah! Teacher: Thank you, Mr. Goldman. And our final speaker is Mr. Peter Griffin. Chris: [Cheering] Peter: Hey, kids! Hey, you know what I do? I work at a toy factory and you know what I do there? Boy: I bet you're just one of those low-level assembly-line guys who stands there all day screwing heads on dolls. "Ooh, is it on straight? I don't know." Boo! Peter: Why, you little snot-nosed... Teacher: Mr. Griffin! [Whispering] He plays kickball in the park after school. Get him there. [aloud] Does anyone have any questions for Mr. Griffin? Boy: Yeah. Can we listen to the claims adjuster again? Class: [Cheering] Tom Tucker: Welcome back to Quahog 5 News. And now, here's Ollie Williams with the "Blaccuweather" Forecast. Ollie? Ollie Williams: It gonna rain! Tom Tucker: Thanks. And finally, we go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa interviewing a guy from the upcoming Renaissance Faire. Tricia Takanawa: Thanks, Tom. Sir, for those who aren't familiar with the tradition, can you tell us about the Renaissance Faire? Man:: Yea. But first, bride of Genghis, thou must explainest to me thy very peculiar electronic wand. Oooh! Stewie: All right, Rupert, are you ready to hear our Mad Lib? [Clears throat] "Cinderella had three wicked step-watermelons, who were very smelly to her. So, her fairy god toilet turned her pumpkin into a fanny and sent her off to the poop." [laughing] Oh, my! How ruthlessly absurd! Lois: Peter, how was your big presentation at Chris' class? Peter: It was a huge waste of time. Lois: Well, it couldn't have been that bad. Peter: It was terrible. Everyone else there had some big important job and was way more successful than me. Brian: Hey, come on, you have a great job. Stewie: Yeah...[Stuttering]...you're doing good. Lois: Peter, if you're not satisfied, then be more assertive. Invite Mr. Weed over for dinner and show him what you have to offer the company. Peter: Yeah, I guess I could. I just hope it goes okay. We've had bad luck with dinner guests. Remember when Margot Kidder was here? Lois: We loved you in the Superman movies. You were just wonderful. Margot Kidder: [Screaming] Peter: Mr. Weed, I was wondering if maybe you'd like to come over to my house for dinner Friday night. That wasn't so hard. Mr. Weed: Well, what time? Peter: Uh, I don't know. 7:30, 8:00? Mr. Weed: Fabulous! What shall I bring? Lois: Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine. Peter: I hope so. If I blow this, I'll have to go back to my old job at the Electric Company. Man: D. Peter: Ot. BOTH: Dot. Man: B. Peter: Et. Man: Bet. Peter: Bet. I knew that. Slow it down. Man: P. Peter: It. Man: Pit. Peter: Come on, pal. It's my first day. Man: F. Peter: At. Man: Fat. Peter: Oh, that's it, buddy! [Fighting] [Doorbell rings] Lois: That must be him. Peter: Oh God! I hope that thing doesn't happen where I get nervous and I can't control of the volume of my voice. Mr. Weed: Hello, Peter. How are you? Peter: [Yelling] Fine! [Quietly] Please come in. Lois: It's so nice to have you over, Mr. Weed. Mr. Weed: Thank you, Mrs. Griffin. I understand that you have a beautiful family. Lois: Yes, we do, but the children won't be joining us for dinner. It's almost their bedtime. Peter: [Blows whistle] State your names. Meg: Meg! Chris: Chris! Stewie: And I'm Liesl. Peter: Mr. Weed, the Griffin children would like to say goodnight to you. [music to "So Long, Farewell" from "The Sound of Music"] Chris, Meg & Stewie: ? So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen ? Meg: ? I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne ? Yes? Peter: No! Chris & Stewie: ? So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye ? Chris: ? I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye -- Goodbye! ? Stewie: ? The sun has gone to bed and so must I ? Chris, Meg & Stewie: ? So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye ? Peter, Lois & Mr. Weed: ? Goodbye ? Mr. Weed: Mmm! Who would think a woman with such beauty would have the culinary skills of Emeril Lagasse? Lois: Oh, well thank you. Bam! [Laughing] Peter, don't you have something to say to Mr. Weed? Peter: Oh, yeah. Mr. Weed, I don't care what the guys at work say. I never thought you were an effeminate weirdo. Brian: So, what kind of a name is "Weed"? Mr. Weed: They gave it to my grandfather on Ellis Island. Our real name was "Bermudagrass." Peter, being here with your wonderful family, your beautiful home and your funny talking dog, well, I'm impressed. In fact, starting Monday, I would like to promote you to Head of Toy Development. Peter: Holy crap! Ah, thanks, Mr. Weed! You won't be sorry. Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here. Lois: Peter, Brian's choking! Do the Heimlich maneuver quick! Mr. Weed: [Choking] Brian: He's dead. Margot Kidder: [Screaming] I forgot my purse. Peter: All right, let's not panic. Nobody even knows about this yet. Death: Police! Random dead-body search! Peter: Oh, my God, Lois! Stall them! Lois: Peter, what are you doing? Peter: Just stall them, Lois! Death: [Laughing] Got ya! It's just me, Death. I'm here for the body. Lois: Peter, it's okay. It's just Death. Peter: Thank God! Death's Dog: Hey, did someone choke on a roll in here? Brian: Oh, no, no, no. I spit it up. Tom Tucker: Recapping our top story. Doreen, I lost your phone number. We met at the Sky Lounge last night. Please call me. In other news, toy industrialist Jonathan Weed was found dead in the home of an employee who claims Weed choked on a dinner roll. No charges will be filed against the employee but the dinner roll has been taken into custody. [Somber instrumental music] Stewie: I'd do her. Do her. Wouldn't do her. Who hasn't done her? Do her. Lose the pigtails and we'll talk. Do her, do her. Priest: And now, the last man to see Jonathan Weed alive has offered to say a few words. Peter: Good afternoon, everyone. As you know, we of the Christian faith believe that Jesus is not really dead but that he must let the world think that he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him. [Peter humming ominous music] Anyway, right before he died, Mr. Weed promoted me to Head of Toy Development, and I've brought along my attorney who confirms that this constitutes a verbal contract. Isn't that right, Saul? [Peter's hand talking] "Yes, sir. Verbal contract." Thank you. Leonard Hale: Glad to see you all found your way over from the cemetery. I'm Leonard Hale, Mr. Weed's lawyer. We found this tape among Mr. Weed's personal effects, with instructions that it be screened immediately after his funeral. Enjoy. Cameraman: Good morning. Camera time. Mr. Weed: Turn it off. I don't have my face on yet. I'm ugly. Cameraman: You want to tell us a little something about what you're making there. Mr. Weed: I will tell you. Just a couple of eggs with the peppers left over from last night. [Snickering] Okay, playtime is over. Turn it off, monkey. Okay? Leonard Hale: [Clearing throat] [Fast-forwarding tape] Mr. Weed: Hello, friends. If you're watching this, I am dead and I bet you're pretty bummed. But I have good news. The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory shall be torn down to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. Peter: What? Mr. Weed: The demolition will begin in...now. [Screaming] Counselor: Okay, we've got your typing test here and all the pertinent data about your...[stuttering]...background and, um, skills, and.... Peter: And? Counselor: You, know, I got to be honest with you. I only have another week and a half here and I have completely checked out. Peter: Oh. Counselor: Yeah. Peter: Well, what should I do? Counselor: [Sighs pensively] Chef? Peter: Oh, sorry, we're out of towels. Let me get that for you, sir. [Blowing] Man: What? I'm supposed to pay $2 for stickers 'cause this guy can't hear? Come on! Peter: Hey, I might be deaf but I have feelings! Oh. I mean...what? Meg: Has Dad found a permanent job yet? Lois: Meg, your father's going through a bit of a career transition. He's just sampling a few things, searching for something that fits him just right. [Gasping] Brian: Clearly it's not that tube top. Peter: Hey! Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? Meg: Oh, my God! Lois: Peter, get in the car! Peter: Okay, but it will cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? Lois: I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? Brian: It means that he'll... Peter: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Be cool, be cool. Yes, you go to Maple Street, then take a left, and then you go.... Okay, so you want to party or what? Lois: You get in this car right now! Stewie: It's eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future. Gene Rayburn: Forgetful Freddy was so forgetful... All: How forgetful was he? Gene Rayburn: He was so forgetful, whenever he tried to remember someone's name he drew a "blank." Lois: Oh, God! This is all my fault. If I hadn't pushed you so hard to invite Mr. Weed to dinner he'd still be alive and you'd still have your job. Peter: Don't worry, Lois. We'll get through this. We just have to scrimp a little, that's all. You know, sell some stuff we don't really need. This'll bring in a couple of bucks. Lois: Peter, please, listen to me. When we got married, you always talked about your one dream job. Remember? And you put that dream aside in order to provide for this family. Peter: Yeah? Lois: Well, I've saved some money from teaching piano, and I say this is the perfect time for you to pursue that dream. Peter: Really? Lois: Yes! Peter: You know, since money's getting tight, I was gonna suggest that we eat the kids. You know, jokingly at first, but then I was gonna gauge your reaction and if you were cool with it, we would go from there, but this is a much better idea. I'm going to do it, Lois. I'm going to realize my dream! I am going to be a Renaissance Faire jouster! Lois: Oh, Peter! Margot Kidder: [Screaming] Lois: Oh, this is so exciting! My little jouster's first day. Here's your lunch. Peter: Thanks, honey. Oh, egg salad? Lois: Have a good time. Peter: I'll try. Hey, Mort. Mort: Oh, God! Don't hurt me! Oh, hi, Peter. Peter: Hey, you gonna be a jouster, too? Mort: Yes. I'm trying to overcome my fear of swords 'cause a man in a pirate suit stabbed me in the ear when I was 5, and then again when I was 30. What about you? Same? Peter: Not really. It kinda all goes back to when I was 18. I was going through that rebellious phase, and hanging out with a bad crowd. Girl: Here, Peter. Try one of these. Peter: What is it? Girl: It's a cheeseburger. Kids: [Laughing] Peter: Of course, now I know it wasn't a cheeseburger but at that time, I was ready to believe anything. I didn't know what the hell was going on. I wandered around for hours and somehow ended up at the Renaissance Faire. [in flashback] I can fly! Black Knight: Oh, my God! Peter: [Screaming] I was saved by the one and only Black Knight of the Quahog Renaissance Faire. Black Knight: A word of advice-the path to knighthood is paved with strength and nobility, not LSD and sideburns. Peter: And from that moment on, I knew someday I wanted to be a knight like him. Mort: Oh, mercy! I was once addicted to antihistamines. I took so many I thought I was Mr. Peanut. Peter: Ah, that's a great story, too. Coach: You all think you got what it takes to be jousters! If you're gonna joust, you got to want it! Let me hear your war cry! Mort: [Feeble cry] Coach: Is that the best you got, you pile of crap? Mort: Yes. From an early age, my parents discouraged loud noises! Coach: You know what you are? You're a candy-ass maggot! You find something funny, maggot? Man: Sir, no, sir! Coach: You love the Middle Ages, don't you? Man: Sir, yes, sir! Coach: The concept of a geocentric universe gets you sexually excited, doesn't it? Man: Sir, yes, sir! Coach: You want to make 16th century mathematician Johannes Kepler your bitch, don't you? Man: Sir, yes, sir! Black Knight: Welcome, apprentices. Peter: It's him. Coach: Look alive, ladies. Allow me to introduce the best of the best the Black Knight himself! And this is his trophy wench, Maid Madeleine! [Dinging in each suit of armor] Mort: Ding. Peter: Excuse me, Mr. Black Knight? Black Knight: I'm busy. Peter: Oh, well, I just wanted to thank you. I don't know if you remember, but when I was a kid you helped me get my life back on the right path. Black Knight: Damn it. Look, I'm busy, all right? Peter: Okay. I'll come back later. Black Knight: Damn rookies. Mort: Are all the other men out of the shower yet? Stewie: [to Meg] Hey, you, porker. Yes, I'm calling you a porker and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm protected by my impenetrable cereal-box fort. [Laughing] [to Brian] Hey, you, drunkie. Yes, that's right, I'm calling you drunkie and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm... [Brian slams cereal box fort, shocking Stewie] Lois: The toast is ready. Peter: I'll get it, Lois. There you go. Lois: Peter, maybe you shouldn't bring your lance to the table. Peter: Lois, if I'm gonna get good enough to impress the Black Knight, my lance must be with me at all times. You guys are gonna be so proud when you see me out on that field. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go practice. Meg: [Screams] Oh, my God, Dad! My earring! Dad, stop! Peter: Yeah, two mutton joints, please. Man: Thou wishes to feast on the appendage of a humble ovine. Peter: Listen, you freak. We don't all watch Frasier, okay? Now, give me two mutton joints. Mort: Thank you. [Romantic instrumental music] Madeleine: 'Tis a glorious afternoon. Wouldst thou not agree? Peter: Yea, kind shrew. I before thee except after C. Madeleine: Wouldst thou take a gander underneath my frock? Peter: [Stuttering] Sure, whatever floats your boat. There you go. Jeez, those frickin' perverts. Black Knight: Madeleine, go wait in the Hyundai! What were you doing with my girl? Peter: Jeez, she walks over here and asks me to put a bird in her panties! I'm here going, "What the hell?" Mort: God! Peter, play dead! Curl up in an ass ball or something! Peter: What's the problem, Black Knight? Black Knight: I don't like you, I don't like your face, and I don't like you hanging around my girl! I don't ever want to see you here again! Peter: Oh. So, okay, we can see each other outside of the Faire, right? I'm just trying to understand the rules. Black Knight: If I ever see you again, I'll kill you. Peter: Okay, that's much clearer. Mort: Oh, God! I think I just miscarried! Lois: Peter, what are you doing? I spent hours soldering that costume for you. Peter: I don't need it anymore, Lois. I quit the team. Lois: Quit the team? But you can't quit jousting. The big meet is today, and I thought you were... Peter: Did you just say "big meet"? Lois: Oh, my God! I did. Both: [Laughing] Lois: We almost missed that one. Peter: I know. That was a close one. Lois: But I'm being serious here, Peter. We were all set to come see you joust today. You were so excited to be on the same field as the Black Knight. Peter: I'm gonna be watching it from the stands, Lois, because the Black Knight is just a big jerk! Just like that guy who fixed our vacuum. Repairman: There you go. All fixed. Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake. Peter: Oh. Well, did you save it? Repairman: No. Peter: You bastard. Diane Simmons: Well, it's an exciting day here for all at the Renaissance Faire jousting meet. Wouldn't you say, Tom? Tom Tucker: Diane, I'd say it was perfect day if you weren't reminding us all of our grandmas' cleavage. Now, let's go live to the field where Black Knight is preparing to challenge his next opponent. [Suspenseful instrumental music] [Cheering] Monks: [Chanting "Rock and Roll, Part 2"] Stewie: Hey. How're you doing there, big guy? You holding up all right? You want a soda? Hmm? Screw it. I tried. Man: The Black Knight's next challenger will be Sir Mort Goldman. Mort: [Grunting] Oh, God! I forfeit! Tom Tucker: That's it, folks. It looks like the Black Knight is out of challengers and is once again undefeated. Black Knight: Hey, what's your fat ass doing here? Man: He's my only means of conveyance. But I guess I do spoil him. Black Knight: Clearly you do. And what are you doing here, Griffin? I thought I told you never to show your face here again! Peter: We're just watching, all right? I don't want any trouble. Black Knight: You've got trouble if you don't beat it. Peter: Listen, buddy... Black Knight: I said get lost! Meg: Where's he going? Chris: Dad! Lois: Let him go, kids. Black Knight: You see that, kids? Your father is nothing but a fizzle! Peter: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! [Heroic instrumental music] Peter: Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Well, actually, that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it. Tom Tucker: It appears a new challenger has entered the field. The crowd has fallen deathly ill-silent. Sorry. [Suspenseful instrumental music] Peter: Oh, my God! I'm gonna die! Tom Tucker: To the owner of a yellow Hyundai, your car is being towed. Black Knight: What? No it can't be. Peter: I won! [Cheering] Lois: Oh, Peter, that was amazing. You were so brave. Chris: Nice going, Dad. Peter: Boy! That was lucky about the car, huh? Mort: Take that, you bastard! Nobody makes a fool out of Mort Goldman! Coach: Spectacular performance, maggot! How would you like to come on the road with us as our lead jouster? Peter: Thanks, but no thanks, Coach. I've lived my dream. And besides, my life is here with my family. Chris: But what's Dad gonna do for a job? Lois: It'll be okay, Chris. Remember that episode of The Honeymooners when Ralph lost his job but at the end of the show he didn't get it bac? Peter: What was up with that? That bugged the crap out of me.