Baseball Was Better with Steroids

Fade in. Exterior-- night. A dark, desolate prairie. A lone cowboy sits on a sturdy horse, gazing up at the moon. Suddenly, a flash of light appears in the sky, and a burning meteor plummets to the Earth. Fade in. Exterior-- night. New York City, Hell's Kitchen. A lone cop sits in a patrol car, gazing up at the moon. Suddenly, a flash of light appears in the sky, and a flaming meteor plummets to the Earth. All right. Now we're cooking. - Alan? - Mia? - I saw that was you. - What a surprise! eh. . did you move back New York with your husband? We did, but then we split up, then I came back here Oh, I'm sorry to hear that I mean, not that you moved back here, but that it didn't work out. So how is Charlie doing. Oh, he is fine. oh Actually he's engaged. Can you believe that. - You kidding. - No no. She moved in with everything. - Good for him. so where are you living now? - What do you mean? You know, since Charlie's fiance moved in so I think You look great, Alan. Thank you, you too. - Please give Charlie my best. - I'll do. - bye bye. - bye. Fade in. Exterior, Coffee shop, night. An unconventionally handsome man pounds away at his lonely laptop, writing the summer blockbuster that will lift him from poverty and put him in a home of his own. A beautiful woman cross into him. Their's eyes meet. Suddenly, a flash of light appears in the sky, and a burning meteor plummets to the Earth. So when did you can be home? But I look forwad the dinner with you. All right. I'll see you later. Ya, love you too Love you too. m - Alan? - Yeah. Smack your kid for me. Should we really risk more brain damage? Thanks for sticking up for me, Dad. You'll never guess who I ran into. - Kobe Bryant? - No. - Lauren Conrad? - No. - Sean "P. Diddy" Combs? - What is wrong with you? No, I ran into Mia at the coffee shop. You're kidding. No, uh, apparently, she's single again and, uh, living in L. A. What's wrong with you? So Mia. How did she look? Oh, better than ever. Damn. What did she say? Uh, she said to give you her best. - That's it? - Pretty much. - How did she say it? - What do you mean? I mean, was it perfunctory or was there subtext? Perfunctory. That could be my rap name. MC Perfunctory. I don't know. but I-I mentione that you were engaged, and, uh, she seemed happy for you. You told her I was engaged? Why the hell would you do that? Because you are, in fact, engaged. And she seemed happy about that? Yeah, she said, "Good for him. " - How did she say it? - Was it perfunctory? I'm leaving. And yet the memory of him lingers on. - Hey, Uncle Charlie. - Yeah? Love you. To think I fought for shared custody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so so back to Mia. Oh, don't tell me you're still carrying a torch for her. No, I'm not carrying a torch for her. Why, do you think she's carrying a torch for me? Charlie, you are engaged to a wonderful woman. Just forget about Mia. I had forgotten about her. I had forgotten about her face her eyes her lips, her legs. Oh, God, those legs. You're the one who brought her up. Sorry. Look, I'm the last one to tell you you can't have feelings for an old girlfriend. I mean, I myself still have very strong feelings for Melissa. Who's Melissa? My receptionist. Oh, right. The one that caught you in bed with her mom. Uh, you're leaving out a lot of extenuating circumstances, but yes, she caught me rubbing against her mother. And you want to compare that freak show to what Mia and I had? I almost married her. All I'm saying is, you can acknowledge your feelings for Mia while still moving forward with Chelsea. That's exactly what I intend to do. - Good. - It is good. You're thinking about sex with Mia, aren't you? You're thinking about sex with Melissa, aren't you? Trying to, but her mom keeps popping in. Okay, okay. I'm just going to come out and say it. Baseball was better with steroids. I mean, this guy is leading the league with 11 home runs. Back in Sammy Sosa's day, that was a slow weekend. Call me crazy, but I think people would pay real money to see a meat-covered robot hit a ball 750 feet. Okay, well Sportscenter is over. Time for sex. Charlie, please, this report's due tomorrow. All right. I guess our relationship is getting to that mature, evolved stage they tk about. - Guess so. - Terrific. I hope I die soon. - What? - Love you. Remember when you used to close the door and tried to hit the porcelain so I didn't have to hear you pee? Yeah, way back when we used to have sex after Sportscenter. Hello? Uh, hang on. Charlie, there's a woman named Mia on the phone. - Should I take a message? - No, no, no. Hello. Oh, hey, Mia. What a surprise. Yeah, Alan mentioned he ran into you. Old friend. Yes, yes, you heard correctly. I am engaged. Thank you. Yes, that was her. Oh, she's terrific. And how are you? Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Well, there's plenty more fish in the s. And I'm sure you'll get out there in that old dating pond and catch something. You know, a-a-a fish, not a disease. Anyway, thanks for the good wishes. Bye-bye. Okay, well, good night. - Old friend, huh? - Yeah. She heard I was engaged and wanted to congratulate me. Sweet kid. Is this the woman you almost married in Vegas a few years ago? - Charlie? - I'm thinking. Charlie. - Who told you about that? - Your brother. Oh, really? Did he tell you his last girlfriend caught him in bed with her mother? Yes, he did. What a dirtbag, huh? So, were you ever going to tell me about Mia? What's the point? Have you told me about every guy you've ever been with? Actually, I have. My boyfriend in high school, two guys in college and the man I married. That's it-- four? Back in your day, that was a slow weekend, right? It's not a competition, Chels. So, why do you think this Mia is calling you in the middle of the night? Honey, it was perfectly innocent. She just called to congratulate me on our engagement. No, she didn't. She called to see if you're happy. She wants to know if you're still available. Really, you think so? I mean Really, you think so? Yes, I think so. The question is:are you happy? Are you available? Oh, come on, Chels. What kind of question is that? No, I'm not available, and I'm certainly not happy. - You know what I mean. - I hope so. Yep. I'm a happy and lucky man. Happy, happy, happy. Lucky, lucky, lucky. And wet. I'm kind of wet. What you writing? - A screenplay. - Cool. Hey, I got a great idea for a movie if you want it. Thanks-- I'm okay. What is it? Okay. So there's this guy wh on the highway, where he hits like a moose or something. And he loses control of his car and crashes into a truck full of toxic waste. And wh he kes up in the hospital, he's part car anpart animal. Car-nimal. thanks, but think I'll stick with my idea. - Fine-- what's your idea? - You really interested? Sure. Well, it's, uh it's about a man, uh, who's at a crossroads in his life, uh, coming to terms with, uh, loss and and mortality. - You know what you could call it? - What? Boring. Thank you. Rated G A-Y. - Hey, Charlie. - Hey, Herb. I'm here to pick up Jake. Oh, come on in. Jake, time to get the hell out of my house! So, how's it going? Oh, pretty good. Baby's coming any day now. Judith's got that glow of motherhood. Gangway, I gotta freakin' pee again. Yeah, she's radiant. Hey, Herb. Jake's just finishing breakfast. Or he could be starting lunch. It's a fine line. Well, he is a growing boy. He's a growing pain in my ass. He says that with love. No, I say it with a dull, throbbing pain in my ass. My water just broke. Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure. I ain't cleaning that up. Boy, this brings back memories, huh? Shut up. Slipping in Judith's amniotic fluid. Guess this'll be pretty funny someday. It's pretty funny right now, Herb. Hello? A little help here! Ding! Ding! Ding! Hold your horses, I'm - Dr. Harper? - Melissa, what are you doing here? I work here. I had to find another job after You know. For the last time, I did not have sex with your mother! Excuse me, I'm having a baby here! Yeah, and I think I broke my ankle. - Quit whining, Herb! - Her doctor's on his way. The contractions are about eight minutes apart. Oh, well, let's get you to prenatal. I'll sign you in and have an orderly take you upstairs. No. No, No, no. I'm the father. I'll do it. Bad idea, Herb. I'm here, Judith. Everything's okay. God. My arm! I'm coming, Judith! Stay down, champ. It's not your night. Oh, my freaking God! Now, you're not breathing. You got to remember to breathe. Good, good, good. Okay. Now, you're only two minutes apart. So we're in the homestretch here. Great. Boy It seems like just yesterday we were at this same hospital waiting for little Jake to arrive. I guess after pushing out his enormous head, this one will feel like spitting a watermelon seed. So anyway, I really love my fianc\e, but I can't get this other girl out of my mind. I mean, she told my brother to give me her best. And let me tell ya, her best could curl your hair and make your ass whistle. Is that what you're here for? A whistling ass? No-no, no. There's a baby and some broken bones. Not important. The thing is, I know you can't expect to keep the passion of a new relationship going forever, but I kind of miss it. Maybe it's just that the grass always looks greener, you know? - You see this cooler? - Yeah. It's carrying two light beers, a half a ham sandwich and my thumb. So you'll excuse me if I lack a certain degree of interest in your romantic dilemma. You got beer? - OhGod! Oh, God! - Now, focus on me. Remember your breathing. One, two, one, two, one Dr. Harper? - Melissa. - I miss you. Oh, I miss you, too. - Can we talk? - Of course. Alan! You're fine. Just keep breathing. Hey, Charlie! Look at me. I'm half man, half machine. Kind of like Jake's movie idea. Car-nimal! It's okay, dude. I'm going to hang here for a while. I love that guy! What the hell did they give you? Oh, the good stuff. You could pull out every one of my teeth, I wouldn't even notice. They didn't, did they? You're fine. Okay, then. Guess we should get going. You drive, okay? I'm pretty buzzed. What about Judith? No, let's not bring her. She's a downer. No argument, but there is the baby. Oh, my God the baby! Judith needs me. I must go to her. I'm coming, Judith! I'm coming! Hey, Charlie, how'd you get here so quick? Oh, I tried to forget you. To hate you. But I couldn't. Really? Most people don't have that problem. Beer and chips. This is turning out okay. Did you see where my friend went? He went hobbling down the hall, mumbling about some Judith. I better go warn the villagers. Good luck to you. Thanks. Oh, and hey. Good luck to you, too. God! Oh, there you are. You seen Herb? No, I haven't seen Herb! Chips? - No, I don't want any chips! - Okay. I don't think you're supposed to have beer. Get out of here! No problem. Wait! Don't leave me! I need someone to coach me through my contractions. All right. Way to go. Judith! I'm coming! See, I love Chelsea, but you know, there was a time I loved Mia. Breathe. All right, you're fully dilated. I think it's time to have this baby. Okay, well good luck. Don't you dareeave me! Judith, I'm here! Whoopsie. Think I broke my nose. Three cheers for Demerol. - Hip-hip! - Hooray! Interior-- hospital delivery room. Day. An unconventionally handsome man looks down upon the baby that might be his, but which he can never claim. Suddenly, a flash of light appears in the sky and a flaming meteor plummets to the Earth. See, that's me holding the baby. That's me and the doctor. That's me, Judith and the baby. Who's that? Oh, that's just a guy who got his thumb sewn back on. I can't get over how into this baby you are. It was amazing. The miracle of birth. If Judith hadn't been there, it would've been perfect. So you're not against maybe having one of your own someday? I don't see why not. Turns out, I like babies. And as you know, I'm a longtime fan of intercourse. I know. I got to get back to work. - Okay, I'll see you tonight. - Love you. Love you, too. - Bye, Alan. - Bye. - How's the screenplay coming? - Great. Still on page one? Yeah, but now it really sizzles. Hi, Charlie. Mia. To be continued