Third Wheel

Shoot, there's something I've been trying to remember for the past few days. Was it that I'm halfway between birthdays and you wanted to bake me a half-birthday cake? That's a full cake. Don't let the word "half" trick you. Daddy, stop trying to take advantage of her. Hey, she lives here now. I can exploit her just like I exploit the rest of you people. Sorry about that, Harper. But out of curiosity, were you gonna get me a flat screen TV I could mount onto the ceiling? I really hate sitting up. No, I don't think it Wait a minute. TV TV Oh, no fair! You're gonna get a TV! TV Stevie. Stevie! I think it had something to do with Stevie. Our friend Stevie? Oh, was it that I wanted to borrow her cute boots and that shredded top? I thought you were allergic to other people's clothes. That's why you never borrow mine. Why don't you jog her memory with the "Jog Your Memory" spell? Oh, that's what that spell does? [scoffs] I saw the word "jog" and I bailed. Do what you say Say what you mean. One thing leads to another. Remember! I remember! Stevie took out her wand and did a spell. She's a wizard! Oh, my gosh! Stevie's a wizard?! Quick, Harper. Bake a cake to celebrate. And just so we're clear, that's two cakes. As your student body president, people, I'm happy to announce that we are now accepting volunteers to help build this year's homecoming float, everyone! - Huh? Huh? - Huh? [both groan] [both] Huh? Huh? [both groan] Hey, this may be your only chance - you ever get to build a homecoming float. - Huh? Well, unless your job is professional float maker. [gasps] I need to go see the guidance counselor. I'm not signing up for your stupid thing. I wouldn't want you to help anyway. [mocking] [mocking in return] All right. There's Stevie. We have to be careful. We can't just come right out and ask her if she's a wizard. OK. I'll follow your lead. Hey, Stevie. Harper wants to know if you're a wizard. - What? - [laughs] She didn't finish. What she meant to say was are you a wizard of Oz? I'm not good at this. Oh, who cares? If anything goes wrong, I'll just erase her brain. Did you just say something about erasing people's brains? Well, that depends. Do you find the idea of brain erasing ridiculous or un-ridiculous? I find it ridiculous that you would think that I would find it un-ridiculous. As I hear people say all the time, and cannot spell, "touchÃ©. " [school bell rings] Yep, that's right. [whispers] I'm a wizard. [gasps] OK, before I get too excited about this, would you be terribly offended if I asked you to prove it? - Not at all. - She keeps her wand in her boot! I do that, too! [screaming] Oh, my gosh, now I'm excited! Harper, she's a wizard! Wait a minute, where did that hole lead to? I have no idea. Oh, my gosh. I love irresponsible magic. That's pretty much the only kind I use. But that was Jeremy from Science. He was about to ask me out. - Harper? - And now we'll never know. This is so great. I can't believe that you're a wizard too. Finally, someone who gets me. All right, does it bother you how wizards are portrayed on TV? We have the long beards and the pointy hats. Nah, it's fun. Watch. [laughing] Hey, this is fun. Hey, look, I'm a wizard. Harper, that's offensive. Hey, so have you seen the new issue of Wiz Beat? "I want the puzzles. " Hey, Harper. It looks like Stevie and Alex are getting pretty close. [scoffs] They're not getting close. They're just excited 'cause they found out they're both wizards. Stevie's a wizard? That explains the hat. What about the beard? Harper, that's offensive. [Justin] She's even more like Alex than I thought. This is not good. What do you mean? Non-wizard friends can't compete with wizard friends. I mean, think about it. Stevie and Alex can go on wonderful magical adventures together. What can you two do? Text each other from opposite sides of the couch? Hey, it goes from my phone to outer space back to her phone. - That's pretty magical. - OK Harper, I hate to tell you this, but I think you're in danger of becoming a third wheel. [scoffs] That's ridiculous. Nothing could ever affect my relationship with Alex. In fact, all three of us are about to go to lunch together. [Justin] Hmm. All right, I will meet you guys there. I don't want to keep them waiting. All right, Zeke. You and I are the entire homecoming committee. I guess it's up to us. Um, um We need a theme for our float. Robots! Not everything we do has to be robot-themed, Zeke. How about, uh I got it, just came to me "Tahitian Fantasy Cruise"? Hmmm. Exotic. Aspirational. - Coconuts. I love it. - Yes! Wait, are you serious? Tahitian Fantasy Cruise? That's the best you could come up with? And why do you care? Because I'm gonna have to listen to you talk about it for the rest of your life. Hey, how about "Friends Forever"? It's a theme and a life philosophy. How about this for a theme: "High School Tick Tock, Let Me Out. " Ah Ha! Now, that's a theme. I vote for that one. I'm with Alex as always. All right. Fine. We'll go with Stevie's theme. And since you all voted, that officially makes you a part of our committee. So you're helping. Excellent! Good. Zeke, it looks like the float will proceed as planned. That's great! I'm gonna go get started on the float entertainment right now. - No robots. - Aw, man! I'm walking out as a robot anyway. [imitates robotic humming] [sighs] Well, I think we've put in enough time for today, don't you? No, no! We just started. We haven't done anything. Come on, we've put a tarp on plywood. That's it! That's all. Oh, I'm sorry, Justin. But Stevie and I need to do something that takes advantage of our new magical friendship. And putting wet paper on chicken wire is magical. Let me show you! Hey, we should go to Sled Mountain. I hear they have the only sledding hills in the entire wizard world that go uphill. [gasps] That's the exact opposite direction they're supposed to go. - That is so magical. - Mm-hmm. I'll race you there. No! Alex, you can't leave. We're counting on you to help. Relax, Justin. Harper's gonna be here. It's like my homework. She'll be doing my share of the work anyway. Wow. Alex is really taking advantage of you. - I'm sorry about that. - Oh, don't be. I've only been doing her homework at about a "D" level. Harper, it's gonna be cold on Sled Mountain. Can I borrow your sweater? Oh, okay. Great. See ya! I know what that looks like, but that was a one-time thing. Alex and I are still like this. Harper, can I borrow ten bucks? - All I have is a $20 bill. - Perfect. Thanks! Oh, my gosh, you were right! I am the third wheel. - Harper - Oh, no, this is bad. That doesn't even make me feel better. No, no, no. Leave it there. [sobbing] Hey, Harper. - [sobbing] - What's wrong? You look like you could use some good old-fashioned fatherly advice. That would be nice. Do you want me to call your dad? - [crying] - I'm sorry. What's the problem? Alex would rather hang out with Stevie than me. I've become a third wheel. A third wheel, huh? Maybe it'll make you feel better if you think about it like this: A table can't even stand without a third wheel. Tables don't have wheels. You know, if you weren't so critical, maybe people would want to hang out with you more. Oh, my gosh. I am too critical. I've driven Alex away. No. No, no, I didn't mean it like that. Um You know, I was a third wheel once, too. Me, John Bender and Ponyboy. - And it was fine. - Really? I mean, sure, I didn't get to tag along with them to all the cool parties. And sometimes I felt like they were using me just because my sister was so good-looking. Who am I kidding? It was terrible! There's nothing worse than being a third wheel! And the worst part is you never get over it! You're scarred for life! - Thank you. - You're welcome. [both blow nose loudly] Uh Harper? Are you ready to help with the float? Justin, I'm sorry, I can't help you anymore. I'm too upset to do anything creative or productive. Now you know pretty much how I've felt my entire life. I know, it's gonna be okay. I wasn't even cool enough to hang out with a guy named Ponyboy. [mouthing] Ponyboy? Okay. Think, Justin, think. Without Alex around, Harper won't be able to help with the float. And without Harper, the float won't get done. So, there's only one thing left to do. I've gotta use magic. All right, I'll just pretend I'm Alex and convince Harper to help me. No, I can't do it. It's just not me. [groans] But I do need to finish the float. Aah, ooh! But it's a selfish use of magic, and that's wrong. But it would allow Harper to be with her friend, which would be nice. No, I can't do it. But I have to. But I can't. Alex? Uh-oh. Oh, my gosh, you came back to be with me. Yes, I'm Ahem! Yes, I'm I'm Alex. And I came back to work on the float with you, and also to tell you how much you mean to me. Aww, you've never said that to me before. Thanks. Well, you're welcome. You've never said that to me or to anyone. You must be really making an effort here. Wow. She sure has set the bar low for herself. Why are you wearing Justin's clothes? Oh. Because I stole them. From Justin. Because I'm a dirty, lying thief. I know you are. We did it! We finished the float. This is just so Alex, I'm really proud of you. I've never seen you work so hard on anything in my entire life. Yeah, well, I probably wouldn't get too used to it. I mean, it's not like I'm Justin or anything. Yeah, lucky for you. I beg your pardon? That's just what you always say. - Oh, no. - What? Let's pretend that we didn't work on a float together. I'll be right back, probably wearing different clothes. Wow! The float looks nice, Harper. [scoffs] I'd hope so. You and I worked hard enough on it. Nice new outfit. What are you talking about? Well, you changed. You were wearing Justin's clothes. Justin's clothes? Disgusting. Hey! Wow, look at the two best friends standing in front of a homecoming float. You know, I don't know who built this thing, because really, I wasn't here, but it sure does look great. Alex and I built it, and it's one of the more pleasant afternoons we've ever spent together. Harper, that doesn't make any sense. Hey, I got an idea. Let's not talk about it. You know what doesn't make sense is how you changed clothes faster than humanly possible. All right! You broke me down! All the constant stares. It was me! I used magic for selfish purposes to turn myself into Alex. And that means you were out with Stevie. And I really am the third wheel. Oh, I can't believe it. Third wheel? Wait, are you saying I can't hang out with other friends? I guess you can do whatever you want, Alex, just like you always do. And I'll keep on forgiving you, just like I always do. Is that the way you think our relationship works? Pretty much, yeah. Wow. Well, now I'm getting upset with you. Oh, well, don't worry. I won't hold it against you. I never do. Will you stop it? You're not acting like a very good friend right now. Excuse me? Uh-oh. Did you just say I'm not acting like a very good friend? 'Cause you can call me a lot of things, Alex, and you have, but a bad friend is not OK. Would a bad friend be working so hard on something she hates? That's right. I hate this float idea. I think it's tacky and cynical. But I'm working on it 'cause it's the one my best friend wanted to do. That's the kind of friend I am. Fine. If you hate this float so much, then why don't I just get rid of it for you? Because that's the kind of friend I am. What are you doing? Stop it! I'm not gonna let you do it on your own 'cause that's the kind of friend I am! Well, I'm gonna tear faster to save you the trouble. 'cause that's the kind of friend I am! Oh, not if I can help it, friend! By the way, I forgive you! For what?! I don't know! I'm just being friendly! Harper, please! What are you doing? What about all our hard work? Who says you can't stop time? And it serves you right taking advantage of me like that. Aaah! I know. I'm ashamed. What in the name of Rancho Cucamonga is going on here? Mr. Laritate, I can explain. Spare me the tattletale act, Mr. Russo. When I heard your sister was involved in this, I knew it would end badly. You are like a dust devil in a field of brittle brush, Missy. [stifled laugh] Come on. You're just making stuff up that sounds Western now, aren't you? You are destroying school-funded property, which is grounds for expulsion. - Come on, let's go. - Wait! You can't expel Alex. Why not? 'Cause it was me. Alex had nothing to do with this. It was all my fault. Well, I'll admit I'm surprised to hear you say that, Miss Finkle. Harper, what are you doing? Just tell him the truth. I am. This was all me. No, no, it wasn't, Mr. Laritate. It was me, too. In fact, it was mostly me. You can't punish Harper for this. Well, let's see. Two people telling me two completely different stories. How will I ever solve is problem? - I believe Harper. - What? Wait Why? Because, frankly, Miss Russo, you are a liar. And as for you, Miss Finkle, there's a special place reserved in detention for first offenders. Actually, it's not that special. It's a bean bag chair in my office. But good luck getting out of it. The trail of tears is that way. This isn't so bad. Yeah, well, wait until you try and get up. Show-off. You just earned yourself an extra hour detention. [tapping on window] Alex? What are you doing here? I feel bad about what happened and I'm worried that you're still mad at me. [sighs] If I was still mad at you would I have taken the blame for ruining the homecoming float? Why did you do that? 'Cause I saw how much trouble you were going to get into, and even though Stevie's your new best friend I guess I wanted to keep being your friend, too. Well, you're not my friend, Harper. What? Stevie's my friend. You're my sister. - I love you. - I love you, too. - Okay. - What are you doing? Well, I'm not gonna let you sit in here alone. But what if you get in trouble? For what, sneaking into detention? Yeah, I'd love to see how that works. I guess if you get into trouble you're already here, so Hey, your boots match the detention chair. Yeah, there used to be two chairs.