Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder

[ Alarm Buzzing ] Snooze. Need more snooze. [ Muttering ] [ Yawns ] Mmm. [ Buzzing ] [ Screams ] Num-num, Maggie! Num-num! Did somebody say, "Num-num"?. [ Groans ] I can't get Maggie to eat. May be if you try. Oh, I'm 26 hours late for work. No time for Maggie. Ooh! Where's Waldo?. Nope. Nope. This would be a lot easier without all these people. Nope. Nope. He's there! Uh, no. Homer! Waldo, where are you?. [ Whines ] [Door Closes] [Horns Honking] [ On Radio ] It is a nightmare out there on the freeways today... With surface streets jammed and the sidewalks filled With pushy New Yorkers. Hey, man! Hey! How'd you I I ke a Details magazine up the wazoo?. [ Grunts ] [ Siren Wailing ] Oh, sure. Single me out. All right, smart guy. Where's the fire?. Over there. [Alarm Blaring] Okay. You just bought yourself a 3-17: pointing out police stupidity. Or is that a 3-14?. Nah, nah. 3-14 is a dog, uh- No. Or is that a 3-15?. You're in trouble, pal! [Bird Cawing] [ Panting, Chuckling ] I'd hate to see the look on old Burnsie's face if he knew I was just gettin' in. [ Giggling ] [ Clears Throat ] Hmm. Who is that? Big ugly nose. Bald. Liver spot. Liver spot. Hmm. [ Clearing Throat ] [ Cash Register Dings ] Turn around, Simpson. [ Screams ] No! I can't get in trouble if I can't see you! I'm afraid he's got us, sir. [ Screams ] [Whimpering, Panting ] Ah. Safe in the core. And now- [ Gagging ] Oh! Don't forget the leg protectors, sir. Ah, yes. [ Grunting ] Ow! Yii! Oh! I knew I had those installed for a reason. [ Grunts, Gags ] [ Grunting ] Aw, this is the worst day ever! Hey, Homer. What gives?. Mr. Burns is making me eat all these drums of toxic waste. Geez. That's rough. There must be 200, 300 gallons in here. Yeah. And even a teaspoon could cause a fatal tumor. Hey, you wanna come bowling with us tonight?. Okay. [Phone Ringing] Hello?. Homer?. Where are you?. You promised you were going to have a tea party with Maggie. Oh, Marge, I'm sorry. I can't make it. The cooling tank just blew, and they're taking Lenny to the hospital. Oh, no! Not Lenny! Not Lenny! Yes, I'm going to have to work late... instead of seeing you and the kids, which is what I really want. Okay. Sure. Kids, turn off the TV. I have some bad news about Lenny. [ Both ] Not Lenny! [ Laughing ] Hey, Carl! Check out the overhead scoreboard. [ Both Laughing] Poo. Uh, Homer. What wacky name do you want?. Are "Poo" and "Ass" taken?. Yeah. Damn! Could my life get any worse?. Simpson! [ Disgusted Sigh ] Even for a bowler, you're fat. Hey, guys. Is it normal to see Burns's face on a bowling ball?. Ah, actually, I'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode. Oh, what a rotten day! [ Grunts ] Wow! A strike! Hey, if that's psychotic, then why am I takin' these?. [ Machinery Rattling ] Oh! You're polishing bone! [ Pins Falling] Hey, Homer. That's four strikes in a row! You got a perfect game going. Really?. Careful what you say, Lenny. You'll jinx it. All right. Sorry. Miss! Miss! Sorry. I Was callin' the Waitress. Ah, this split you sold me is makin' me choke. Lenny! What?. I paid 7.10 for this split. Will you at least call it a "banana split," you dumb wad?. Hey, spare me your gutter mouth! Ow. Ow! Practice ball. Practice ball. Real, real, real, real, real! Whoo-hoo! Kids, today we have to talk about Krusty brand Chew Goo Gum-Like Substance. We knew it contained spider eggs... but the hantavirus- well, that really came out of left field. So if any of you have experienced numbness or comas... send proof of purchase and five dollars to: Antidote, PO. Box 14- This is Kent Brockman live from Barney's Bowlarama... where local pinhead, Homer Simpson, is on the verge of a perfect game! Hey, there was no accident at the plant. Dad just wanted to go bowling. He shouldn't have deceived me... but I'm just so relieved Lenny's okay. This could be the greatest individual achievement in the history of Springfield. Which proves just how pitiful this town is. [ Groaning ] [ Disgusted Sigh ] Morons. [ Crowd ] Homer! Homer! Homer! [ All ] Yea! Whoo-hoo! I'm 10 pins away from perfection! Now, listen, your father really needs to concentrate... so we'll just stay here and not disturb him. Why won't they come over?. I'm so lonely. This is it- the ball that will determine whether Homer Simpson rolls a perfect game... or a pathetic 290-something. [ Cheering ] Yea! Yea! [ Chuckling ] What's wrong, Abe?. This is as fast as I can move. Get down. Get down. [ Cheering] [Firecracker Whistling] Whoo-hoo! This is the greatest day of my life! [ Crowd Cheering ] [ Kisses ] You did it, Homie. In your face, to-do list! Homer! Homer! Thankyou. Thankyou. But there was someone else with me on that alley. I'm talkin' about the big man- Carl! Aw, can the corn, bonehead. Children Today's local hero is Homer Simpson [ All ] Yea! Mr. Simpson bowled a perfect game... without the aid of steroids, crack, angel dust... or the other narcotics that are synonymous with pro bowling. Thank you, Bart's teacher. You know, kids, my teachers said I would never amount to anything... and until last week they were dead right. But now I've achieved perfection. Hmm. Any questions?. Yes. Bart's weird friend. Will you be my dad?. [ Chuckling ] You've got a father. He's just a dud. Next question. Yes. The girl Bart has a crush on. [ Groans ] Do you think I could grow up to be a doctor?. Hey, this was supposed to be about me. Now, any other questions?. Pumpkin face?. Headgear? Chicken pox? Smelly? Lazy eye? Spikyhead? Okay. Class dismissed. Rock on! Hooray! Wanna split the birthday cupcakes?. [ Man Announcing] Live frrom Shelbbyville, it's The Springfield Squares... featuring our new center square, Homer "Perfect Game"Simpson. [ Cheering ] Hey! Hi, Ron. [ Grunting ] [ Groans ] There's a stairway, dumb-ass! [ Laughing ] Okay. We'll start with our returning champion, Disco Stu! Disco Stu's gonna groove up some dough playing tic-tac-toe. Stu, we like to downplay the resemblance to tic-tac-toe. I can dig it. Hit me with the center square.