Molly Lucero in: Your Friend's Boob

1 [Theme music playing.] [Thunder crashes.] [Laughs.] [Whirring.] [Electricity crackles.] Man: It's alive! [Thunder rumbles.] [Thunder crashes.] [Laughs.] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit. [Dramatic music playing.] - Objection, Your Honor. - Sustained. Hey, Bert, we're being honored - on "Sesame Street" Pride Day. - Aw! Can't two good friends be roommates and do everything together without people assuming we're gay? I am gay, Bert. Gay means happy, and I'm very happy to be living with you, Bert! Well, that's that's sweet, Ernie, but I think they mean gay like homosexual, like, with sex. Oh, I see. So, like [Rubber duck squeaking.] - Yeah, like that. - And this? [Plunger squishing.] Ernie, come on! Not this again. I'm not listening. La la la la la! What about this, Bert?! Squeeze my honker. [Honker honking.] Oh, Ernie, that's too much! It's nice they still make love after so long. - Yeah. - Don't by shy give it a squeeze! Bert: That's too much. - We should probably come back later. - Probably. The Anderson Twins have shared a lung for 25 years. Separating conjoined twins is the most complicated medical procedure we will ever perform. It requires an expert from every specialty. We'll have to separate the common lung and implant the donor lung, then reconstruct both rib cages, and finally, graft a considerable amount of skin and tissue over both torsos. This procedure will take between 19 and 23 hours. If Dr. Alexander will note the time, - we will be - All right, chums, let's do this! - LeRoy Yin Yang! - No, no, no! - Uh, where's all the office stuff? - Eh, we're redecorating. Now, what can you tell me about Keyser Soze? He's, uh white. - Uh-huh, anything else? - Uh, s ceiling. [Muffled thumping.] I'm not dead! I'm not dead! O, Father, who are in heaven, hallow be thy name No mercy on your soul! [Laughs evilly.] - [Farts.] - Was that you? No, it was you! From being so terrified! - [Chuckles.] - I'm scared, not dumb. - I'd know if that was me. - [Farts.] - That one was me. - Yeah, no doy! - Will you stop it? - I can't! Your full weight is on my abdomen. - [Laughs.] - Why are you laughing? Because I'm so embarrassed, okay? - Oh, flashlight's out. - [Farts.] We should really get out of here. That one was a thick one. Uh, where's the doorknob? - Oh, let me get my lighter. - No, you [bleep.] idiot! [Explosion.] [Muffled rumble.] [Farts.] Dick Jones is a murderer! That is insane! Robocop is a mechanical maniac! That's a very serious accusation. Can you show us any proof? What is happening? Why does this not fit. Well, I think Chester from I could help. Chester?! Uh, okay, so the issue is you have the Series II data spike, and this port is for Series II X. Huh. Mmm, no. - No, no. I don't have it. - Is that a dongle? I think we can get one from New Egg, but I'll need a requisition form. Great. And while that's going on, what's the next order of business? Vote to deactivate Robocop! Huh, huh? Ah, worth a shot. For you, dear Lion, whose fondest wish is to have courage, I give you this medal for bravery. [Chuckles.] Oh, look, everyone, I have courage! For you, Scarecrow, who dreams of having a brain, I give you this diploma. By George I finally has a brain! For you, Winged Monkey, who above all else loves bananas, - I give you - He's not with us. Are you sure? - Then what am I gonna do with these? - Yeah, we're sure. Then a Chiquita bonfire it is. [Sad music playing.] That thing has hypnotized Andy. We gotta save him and save us. - So we're settled then. - Uh-huh. Hey there, partner. Maybe we got off on the wrong foot. How 'bout we be friends? How can I trust you, Woody, while Rex is trying to kill me? [Gasps.] Oh! Wouldn't you rather take a spin on the newest Mario Kart instead? Ooh. S-Sorry, Woody! W-Wait a second where's the controller?! Oh, oh! [Pop!.] Now, who's up for multiplayer?! [All screaming.] [Laughing evilly.] [Screams.] [Laughter continues.] He only has three controllers, so there should be an opening while he's killing our three friends. Buzz? You wireless bastard! You can't save him, Woody. You can't save any of them. Aagh! [Crack!.] Ouch! Ugh. What? Oh, Mom, the baby broke all my toys! Oh, shit, is "Black Ops" out already? [Gunfire on television.] [Dramatic music plays.] Oh, no, the elevator's stuck. Just leave it to Betty Spaghetti! Hang on, guys. Almost through. All: Go, Betty, go! Go, Betty, go! Oh, good! The elevator's moving again. [Chuckles nervously.] Uh, guys, guys?! - Oh, no! - Grab her! [All shouting.] Geez! Bunch of drama queens. We're coming! [Knocking on glass.] [Pop!.] [Whistling.] Mmm-mmm! These magical milkshakes are so delicious, Poopsie Unicorns! I can't wait to see what kind of poopsie slime surprise mine makes. [Giggling.] It's tickling my tummy! [Stomachs gurgle.] To the glitter potties! - [fart.] Ooh, hoo! - There it is! My poop is golden and smells like pineapple. Mine looks and smells just like peaches. [Farting loudly, grunting.] Yeah! Mine is black and tarry and smells like rotten eggs! - Poopie surprise! - Yay, poopie surprise! - Yes! [Giggles.] - I'm sure you're fine. [Dramatic music playing.] Khan. Decaf latte. Khan? Khan? Khan? Khan? Khan? Khan?! [thud.] Khan?! Khan! Khan! Khaaan!! I was in the bathroom! [Sirens wailing.] [Breathing heavily.] Wait. Over there. What are we gonna do? There! [Dogs barking.] - I'm scared, Mommy. - We all are. But I need you to be brave, okay? - They're coming for us, Mommy. - Quickly, come this way! - Mr. Peanut! - There isn't time to wait! You'll be safe in here! [Grunts.] Mother: What's happening? No! No! [Screams, sobs.] Better them than you, Bartholomew. Better them than you! King Kong gets a musical and now every monster gets one? - Broadway has gone to hell. - Shh! Shh, shh. It's starting. [Applause.] Oh, hello there. - Hello. - Shh, shh! The year is 1954. I'm a white, American reporter on the hunt for Godzilla. Or as the locals say Gojira. Since World War II, it's hard to shock me Just ask those folks in Nagasaki 'Cause know life blows Everything glows [Cheers and applause.] Underwater tests got out of hand Now white-hot flames get fanned Right through my nose Everything blows [Cheers and applause.] - This is great! - Shame on me, I was expecting more. Ho, hum! I'll never achieve my dream of entertaining the world through song! Forget music, Godzilla. Look at those big old feet. They were just made for keeping time or for squishing Asians! Those feet were made for stomping So don't make no mistakes, whoo Take those feet and stomp 'em Into Japanese pancakes I think you mean okonomiyaki. Woman: Is that a joke? That's borderline offensive. I didn't want to do this, but it's time to call in the big guns. Coach Murphy said I was too slow He said I never catch that hare And so I hid myself behind a tree And hit that bunny with a chair And then I stomped him with my feet Oh, oh, [bleep.] ! [Cheers and applause.] My mom O-D-ed on bug spray My dad went up in flames But you can suck my mothballs All the haters will get maimed When I stomp them with my feet Yeah! I'm gonna stomp them with my feet Oh, Godzilla, you're great! Yeah, you! Where are my tiny twins at? [Cheers and applause.] Stomp them with my feet! You're embarrassing yourself. Sit the [bleep.] down. Ah, 'twas as Blue Oyster Cult foretold. [Sobbing.] What he's been through! It's King Kong from the theater next door! Don't you touch him not my Godzilla! Run, Steven, save yourself! - Aagh! - Run away! Yes, yes, my beast! Destroy that copycat production! [Laughs evilly.] There can be only one! Ba-bawk bawk bawk, ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk, ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk, ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-gawk! Bawk. [Elevator bell dings.] What? [Screaming.]