Girl Fight

Hey, hey, hey. Here, scoot down, scoot down.

Nick, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

Sorry, just scoot down, I need to iron this shirt that I'm wearing for my date with Tran's granddaughter.

It's either this or the turtleneck my mother bought me in 2009.

They're my only clean shirts.

The short-sleeved turtleneck? Don't do that.

Okay, look, we need this whole table for Nadia's baby shower, all right? So, move along.

Nadia, isn't that the Russian chick who broke, uh, Schmidt's, uh...

Schmidt: Will to live?

After she broke my pen1s?

(chuckles)

Who saw her and thought, "That's the woman I want to be the mother of my children"?

She's not sure.

Yeah, she calls it her little "s*x party miracle."

Do you have to iron here?

It's the only flat surface!

Besides Winston's desk... but he's using it to study for his police academy test, and he is "not to be disturbed."

♪ ♪

Not enough, not enough.

There's an ironing board in the bathroom.

I know, but I've been using that to wedge it between two urinals to keep Schmidt from peeking.

But fine, I'll use that!

Schmidt: Coach! Coach!

My Charlie Rose episodes, all 18 of them, are gone.

DVR is chockablock filled with American football matches, which, by the way, is a garbage... Oh!

We cool?

(Exhales)

Yeah, we cool.

Cool.

What the hell just happened?

Fight.

Yeah. Now it's over.

I barely even remember it.

I cannot believe you guys handle things that way.

I'm starting to think that neither one of you read the Madeleine Albright biography I gave you for Christmas.

(chuckles) I'm so glad we don't fight.

I know.

Coach: Oh, please. Women fight.

Well, we occasionally get into a little thing.

Yeah, I mean, like we just had that thing with the purse... but that was, like, barely even a thing.

Yeah, that was nothing... I mean, there's no point in even talking about it.

Oh.

(Gasps) Oh.

Oh. No, you should have that.

No, you should have it.

No, you take it.

No, you take it.

No, you take it.

I want you to take it.

No. Take it.

Look, I want you to have it

'cause it would look good on you.

- No, it's made for you. You...

No.

But then we both decided that it was better if neither one of us bought it.

Yep.

The neon yellow purse?

With the strap?

Yeah, I've seen that.

It's in your closet.

I wonder how many rubber duckies needed to die to make that thing.

Uh, Schmidt, you don't know what you're talking about.

I got to run.

Oh...

What?

Thank you so much for helping with the baby shower.

You know, you are just the best.

No, you're the best.

Whoa.

Did I tell you I love your top, by the way?

No. Oh, I just found this in the back of my closet.

What's... what's happening?

(whispers): You said too much.

So, I'll call you later?

Definitely.

Okay. Bye!

Bye!

(door closes)

Oh, my God!

What just happened?

That's a girl fight.

Schmidt, stay out of it, man.

Girl fights are dangerous, okay?

I grew up with three sisters, and I wore a cup until I was 14 years old.

What's wrong?

They planned to wear braids and bows and didn't tell me on purpose.

There. Now you match.

Well, congratulations on having sisters, but I know women. You blindfold me, spin me around and drop me into a rainstorm, and I'll still find the G-spot.

Schmidt...

Let us not forget that I had boobs for the first 19 years of my life.

I grew up as a fat, asexual friend-zoner.

You can't buy that kind of access.

Schmidt, I'm talking about how women act towards other women.

You don't want to get in the middle of that.

Coach...

Jess has the purse. I saw it in her closet when it was rainy and I was bored and I was feeling snoopy.

Coach: No, no, no...

See?

Look... the purse.

In the immortal words of Tag Team, "Whoop. There it is."

Fine. I went back and I bought the purse, 'cause I love it.

(frustrated groan) I love purses.

And that doesn't mean I'm not a feminist, either.

I'm a damn feminist who loves purses.

Where else am I supposed to keep my feminist writings?

In a purse, that's where.

Lena Dunham.

I don't know. I...

Jess, it's a purse. Who cares? Just apologize.

Cece and I have been friends for 20 years.

Do you know why? Because we're passive-aggressive people.

We never confront anything.

That's the way it works with us. It always has.

Hi.

Hi.

And that was one of the worst fights we've ever had.

And if I bring up the purse, then everything else comes up with it.

Too many things have happened.

Women have amazing memories.

Because we used to be the gatherers, and so we had to remember where all the best berries were hidden.

And Cece and I, we've hidden berries all across the Great Plains.

Colorado, Kansas, Montana, Nebraska... need I say more?

Coach gets it.

See, Cece and I, we're gonna be fine, 'cause it's gonna play out the way it always does.

We're not gonna talk for three days, and then I'll surprise her with a latte. And then we'll act like nothing happened.

Three days without Cece?

Do I have to spend three days without Cece?

Yes. I don't trust you around her.

She makes you weak and penis-dumb.

Three days without Cece? Why don't you just replace my shoes with bags and turn me into a lunatic?

Stay out of it, man.

Stay the hell out of it, bro.

Here's a different take: Why don't I spend more time with her?

Stay out of it.

I'm confused.

Now, should I... are you asking me to spend more time with her or stay out of it?

Like, for real?

(groans)

I hate this. I hate first dates.

Me, too. I hate all...

I hate the second ones and the third ones and the fourth ones.

Me, too. Yeah. Yeah.

I hate dates.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

The first ones are the worst.

Yeah.

This is terrible.

They're terrible. They're awkward.

I feel like I'm being weird.

You're not being weird.

Yeah, I am.

I'm the weirdo.

I wanted to do this all night.

Oh.

That is so stupid. (Laughs)

I hated that I did it.

I feel like I'm being weird, too.

How?

I don't know how. Just...

Well, now you are.

These sweaters. I got sweater shoulder.

Now... when you do that, it's very weird.

But before, it wasn't.

Just don't do sweater shoulder.

Please don't tell Tran how bad this is going.

Oh, I will.

Don't. It'll be so embarrassing.

Yeah.

He's probably my best friend.

Really?

Yes.

You're not his best friend.

(laughing)

That's a terrible thing to say. (Laughing)

It's true.

This is going great.

Oh, God, I hate this.

I just want to sit around and do nothing, but that is not hot.

That's hot to me.

You add some sweatpants to that, and that is better than p0rn.

(chuckles) I love p0rn.

But I like to mute it and come up with my own voices, like, (deeply): "Hey, that's a very interesting mesh cat suit."

(high-pitched): "Thank you. It used to be my grandmother's."

(laughs) Something like that.

Cheers.

Yeah.

That was a weird cheers!

Can we go?!

(laughs): Yes. Let's get out of here. This sucks!

(chewing, speaking unintelligibly)

So cute.

Yeah, it's like they're made for each other.

They haven't moved in three days.

Very weird.

Alarming, even.

Wait, doesn't she work or... ?

Shouldn't you be studying?

Or live somewhere?

Shouldn't you be studying?

Or have worried loved ones?

Studying?

Coach, this is gonna take some serious investigative police skills.

But I'm on to her.

I didn't know girls could be so slovenly.

I did. I have sisters.

Oh, my God, we know.

(grunts)

We cool?

We cool.

Oh. Just who I was looking for.

Hey.

How would you like a piping hot latte?

Thanks, Jess, but, you know, I, um...

I can buy my own.

What did you do?

Is this about the socks?

You weren't supposed to talk to Cece. What happened?

Well, I had to see her.

I can't go three days without seeing Cece.

(exhales) And it went just like you said it would.

I'm gonna go get the purse.

She played me like John Popper plays that little harmonica and fiddle thing.

Ugh. She's like a robot scientist.

And you're like a damn robot.

And usually it's cute, except when you're robbing me.

Jess, I'm sorry. So... what... what happens now?

You bring her another coffee and you guys make up?

I don't know what happens now.

We're in unchartered territory 'cause you got involved.

We're entering the abyss.

It's like the month I decided not to wear a bra. Those were dark times.

I had no support. Literally no support.

(Phone dings)

(scoffs) Cece just texted me a smiley face.

Is that bad?

No, she just texted me the world's first good smiley face.

I'm gonna text her... (chuckles) ... a yellow heart.

No, uh, yellow heart, whale, thumbs up.

(Whoosh)

Well, that seems nice.

(Whoosh)

(gasps)How dare she? Chinese man, ballerina, apartment building?

What does that mean?

Fine. Poop. Turban guy. Granny.

(whoosh, whoosh)

Don't text her poop.

(Gasps) Explosion, monkey-see? You want to play dirty? Fine.

Slice of cake. Turtle.

(Whoosh)

Don't sen... Oh.

(Whoosh) (gasps)

Double syringe?

Double syringe.

You're right, Schmidt.

Maybe it's time to dig up some berries.

The gatherers have become the hunters.

Be well.

Wh... where are you... where are going?

L... leave those berries be.

- Republican or Democrat?

West Wing.

What's your favorite thing about America?

- Kentucky women.

Favorite part of The Rock?

"Welcome to the Rock."

Gorilla or monkey?

Gorilla, hands down.

Miranda or Carrie?

Gorilla.

That's 100% perfect.

Unb... unbelievable.

Thank you.

The battery in the remote control is getting a little jumpy. I'm gonna go grab one out of the smoke detector.

That's exactly where I get them.

Isn't she perfect?

In a word: No.

Nick, you might want to sit down for this.

I'm already sitting.

Okay.

Well, look... I put together a profile.

Vague about where she lives.

Okay.

No mention of a job.

Always lets you pay.

Nick, my man, as unbelievable as this sounds... (chuckles) ... you're her sugar daddy.

What kind of girl would want me as her sugar daddy?

Only one kind: a homeless woman.

Kai is not homeless.

Nick, I have been watching her for days now, okay?

She... she eats like she doesn't know where her next meal is coming from.

She always dresses in layers, tons of layers.

She's not homeless. Her grandfather is Tran.

And where does he hang out?

A park bench.

I think you're having a nervous breakdown.

I really do.

You're nuts. You want to avoid studying so much that you're making up lies about my new lover friend.

Just leave us alone.

Maybe you should... maybe you should give her our can opener. Everybody gives bums cans, but they can't open them cans.

How are they gonna open the cans, Nick?

Hey...

What are you... (stammers)

Do you want a blanket?

I must have fallen asleep reading.

Nap with me.

Okay.

Come on.

(Short chuckle)

Just... gonna get some of these newspapers.

It's actually kind of nice.

See?

(indistinct conversations)

More pink lemonade?

I'm going to name baby...

Baby, because it's funny. (Giggles)

(soft chuckle)

Where is top of baby cage?

Double syringe?

Hey, you. How's pee-pee? (Giggles)

Oh, hello, Nadia.

Coach, I need you. Jess and Cece are in a thing, and it is terrifying.

I'm pretty busy, but, all right, hold on, let me put down the stuff I've been working on.

(softly grunting)

Coach, I am at the baby shower.

You're at the... what?

Are you dumb? You're dumb.

You're very dumb. Get out of there.

I panicked. I didn't know what else to do.

I thought I could fix this. I gave Cece the purse.

Obviously, it was a mistake.

Oh, God, look at them.

They're like silent, angry statues right now... it's terrifying and als...

Maybe a little erotic.

Okay, fine, it's very erotic.

You know what? Coach, I'm telling you...

I'm finding out that fear plays a big part in my sexuality.

Schmidt, what happens when two passive-aggressive people start confronting each other?

I don't know. What happens?

Anything!

Anything can happen. That's what I'm telling you.

Are you ready for anything to happen?

Obviously not. That's why I'm calling you.

Did you wash your hair? It looks really clean.

(all quietly gasp)

(Jess gasps)

I can help you end this.

Do you know why?

Do you know why? I'm waiting.

Oh, my God, is it because you have sisters?

It's because

I have sisters! And you know what that means?

And that you know more about women than me.

I know more about women than you.

And that I'm a little dum-dum.

And I'm a big smart-smart.

Yeah. Now, here's what you're gonna do.

Get big like a bear.

If that doesn't work, pee a circle around yourself and light it on fire.

I peed before I came... I had a root beer with lunch.

I'm on my way. Hey, uh, did you bring a gift?

'Cause I don't want to be that guy.

You know, the guy that doesn't bring a gift?

Just get over here.

All right, I'm coming.

What? Coach.

Coach, I can't turn the pages.

How am I gonna study if I can't turn the pages?

Coach!

Hey.

(gagging)

Great catch.

Kai, I want to go to your place, okay?

Wherever it is.

So don't be afraid, because I'm not afraid.

I know I'm living this rock star life, but I'm still a man of the people.

But I'm so comfortable. You really want to go outside, get off this bed into the cold right now?

Look, I like you for you, and...

Well, hell, I just hope, deep down, you like me for me and not all the incredible stuff that I have.

Huh?

I mean, this room... half this stuff is mine.

I'm, like, I have enough pillowcases for all my pillows, plus an extra pillowcase that I don't even use.

Ticket stubs to all the Bears games I've ever been to, except for one.

The guitar pic from that guy who played with James Taylor that one night.

A Frisbee that I'm currently storing on my neighbor's roof.

You know, an autographed

Karate Kid II poster from Mr. Miyagi.

R.I.P.

Hmm.

But none of that matters.

I want to be with you wherever you live.

I mean, hell, I've been cooped up in this palace for long enough.

Wow. Well, if it's that important.

(grunts)

(laughs)

All right. Don't be nervous.

You know what? I'm gonna bring some extra blankets.

Okay.

Okay, just in case it's freezing, 'cause it's outs...

Okay.

Jess: And then, you told Mike Hannamin I was on my period!

He wanted to know why you were wearing sweatpants in the pool!

Okay, I was defending you!

I have arrived!

Ah, Mr. Stripper.

Okay, so what's next, Jess?

20 years of fights are happening right now.

They're getting into everything.

How I intentionally didn't put gas in your car on senior ditch day?

You did. You did.

I did not!

All right, ladies, stop it.

I gave you the money, and you spent it on condoms and taffy.

By the way, that sounds like a hell of a day.

Well, I wouldn't know. I was stranded on a beach being a virgin!

But that's not the only time I've been stranded, now, is it?

I'm talking about Paris.

Oh, this is about Paris!

I'm talking about Paris.

I knew it!

We had signed a lease. That's an agreement.

And then you decide to take a modeling job in Paris, so I had to move in with Spencer?

While you were being squired about the Louvre, I was having to pee on top of Spencer's pee to conserve water!

You know, it's called mud-sharking, by the way.

It's not my fault!

Stop it!

I'm bored.

Here's what you guys are gonna do.

You're gonna punch each other.

Now I'm not bored.

I'm not doing that.

What?

I'm not doing that.

Coach: Well, you got to do something.

Man up, punch each other and end this.

(sighs, sniffles)

Coach: You gotta have it out so you can get past this.

Now I'm bored again.

Punch each other!

Now I'm not bored.

Talk with your fist!

(sighs) I just want my...

(screaming, overlapping shouting and chatter)

Oh, no!

My goodness!

Back off!

(grunting)

La... ladies?

Oh!

Schmidt: It's spreading.

Stop it!

Russian baby shower.

(overlapping chatter, groaning)

(groaning, indistinct chatter)

Hey, hey, don't involve us, please.

Whoa. Hey, guys, no!

Break it up! Break it up!

(Grunting)

Baby shower! Baby shower, yeah! Baby shower!

Oh, stop it!

You stole my babysitter!

What are you doing?

I'm having a situation.

Oh, come on, dude.

Get off!

Fighting for no damn reason with me?!

Come on, just... lie down and take it like a woman!

This is for Mike Hannamin.

(Groans)

(laughing)

(screaming)

Baby kick. Baby like.

Yay!

Do I look pretty?

(both laughing)

Do you feel, like, really good right now?

Yes! I thought I was crazy.

No, you're not crazy.

I think I... I think I wanted to punch you for a really long time.

Felt that way. Like maybe ten or 15 years.

And it feels so good that right now we don't have to talk everything through.

Yeah. We can just punch it out.

Oh, my God, I have missed you.

(both laughing)

I can't believe I've known you 20 years.

And you're still my favorite person to talk to.

And you're my favorite person to talk to.

I hate not talking to you.

I feel like I've missed everything!

You did miss everything.

So, does Nick have a girlfriend?

Yes. So weird.

You okay?

Yes. So weird.

(Laughing)

So, is Nadia going to raise the baby in your apartment?

Yeah, we haven't really talked about that yet.

You should.

(laughing)

Craig Hodges.

Oh!

(Phone ringing)

Hello. Nick. Nick, are you okay?

Nick: Winston?

Listen, listen, listen, Nick.

Winston.

Tell me everything.

Winston, she's rich!

Yeah, she founded some company that sells fancy water bottles to rich people to pay for digging wells in Africa.

She sold the company, so now she works whenever she wants.

It's a scam called consulting.

You see, I knew it.

I knew there was something weird. I was right!

You were wrong about literally everything.

But I knew there was gonna be a twist, though.

Okay, do you realize how much time you've wasted, and you're not studying?

Sweet Baby LeBron James, I screwed up.

(groans)

Hey, I should probably get going.

I got to get to work.

Yeah, it's karaoke night, so I got to get there early enough to break the karaoke machine.

How much will you make tonight?

Ah, it depends how much I drink, but probably about 140 bucks.

What is this?

I raise you to $200.

Now you can stay.

Deal.

Oh. (Laughs)

I'm like a boy hooker.

(both laugh)

Thank you.

Are you crying?

Don't look at me.

I want to look pretty. You paid for it.

(both laugh)

Nadia is the one who broke my thing.

Wait, you were serious about that?

Yes. That was her. I'm telling you.

She's going to have to childproof the corners of her cha-cha before that baby comes out.

Oh, Cecilia.

Thank goodness. Look at you. You're still pretty.

And, Jess, you know, you... you look the same.

Coach: I'm sorry about making you guys punch each other.

Don't be sorry.

You're so right.

Mm.

We've wasted so much time being passive-aggressive.

We learned our lesson.

Yeah.

Well, we're very smart.

That means a lot. Thank you.

Seriously, if you guys fought like girls, you'd still be arguing over the fact

that you recorded football over your Charlie Rose episodes.

It's all good, man. Yeah, well, it's nothing.

Mm-hmm, and the girl Schmidt would be like, "Oh, does Coach just think I'm a pretentious poseur who just records things to look smart because deep down, I am just terrifyingly insecure about my intelligence?"

Jess: Yeah, and girl Coach would be, like, "Does Schmidt think that I'm an uncultured meathead who has to rewatch football because I'm afraid of showing anyone my softer side?"

(clears throat quietly)

(Cece and Jess laugh)

Hey, man.

Oh, hey, Coach.

Aw, hey, you.

That's nice.

Oh, this?

I... I don't know. Thanks, I guess.

I'm kind of whatever about it.

No.

What do you got there?

Oh, me? Uh, just some sneakers.

(laughs) I hope they're okay.

I don't have an eye for things like you.

Well, yeah, you do. Come on, don't be so hard on yourself.

Your eye is so good.

I'm sure they're great.

I...

Not that you could look bad in anything really.

(laughs)

(groans)

(groans) Son of a...

(groans) Thank you for that.

Yeah, thanks, man.

Anytime.

We cool?

Yeah, we cool.

(whistles)

Ooh, boy.

How many pages are in this thing?

Darius Miles. Oh!

That's in there?

Jordan!

Massaging is illegal?

What?

Gotta download a song.