I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can

Chorus (sings): The Simpsons

I'm Spelling As Fast As I Can.

D'oh! Ah!

Homer: Whoo-hoo!

Welcome to Matinee of Blood and Commercials.

I am your hostess, Booberella.

Our first fright flick... is 1983's [/i]Frankenstein and the Harlem Globetrotters... Meet the Mummy and the Washington Generals.

I can't just sit here watching this junk.

[GRUNTS]

That's better.

If you watch closely... you might recognize a young Ray Romano.

[HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

All right, Frankenstein, that's a three-second violation.

Don't blame Frankenstein.

Me made from corpses of Denver Nuggets.

Now for the first of our 82 commercial breaks.

Then you can see more of my boobs.

[LAUGHING]

It's nice to see a realistic single woman on TV.

Hello, Springfield. Come to my back-to-school parking-lot blowout.

School's starting, Bart. Aren't you excited?

This year, you learn about local history.

We've got first-rate school supplies at Third World prices... at the Kwik-E-Mart, where we believe in America.

Please don't beat me up anymore.

Bad news.

Ray Romano has sued to prevent the showing of the movie.

Watch this commercial for Krusty Burger... while I appeal this temporary injunction.

[PARODY OF BOB SEGER'S "LIKE A ROCK" PLAYING ON TV]

Like a rib.

It tastes like liberty.

Like a rib.

With a bun of sesame

Man (on tv): We start with authentic letter-graded meat... and process the hell out of it till it's good enough for Krusty.

Try my new Krusty Ribwich.

Mm.

I don't mind the taste.

Ooh, a new hamburger sandwich.

Wow, I can't wait to pack that into my colon.

Dude, take it easy on the fatty foods.

You're running out of leg veins to transplant into your heart.

I got arm veins, don't I?

Yes, sir.

[SINGING] School's back in session.

Let's begin our lessons

This year, he gets it in the back.

Uh, Willie, did you get the letter about your pay cut?

Aye. There'll be many a cut this year.

Indeed there will. Budget-wise of course.

[CHATTERING]

Nelson, how was your summer?

Sucked.

What'd you do?

Space Camp.

At ease, Cadet Nelson. Good to be back on terra firma, eh?

[STUDENTS GASP]

How about I launch my foot into your butt?

I held your hair when you barfed in the simulator.

Shut up, commander.

Welcome back, children. We've all had fascinating summers.

I was the maitre d' at the Springfield Country Club.

My dad says you were a busboy.

You mean your dad, the raging alcoholic?

Um, we better get down to business.

As this is a non-leap year, we're a day behind.

Come on, man. Everyone knows the first day of school is a total wank.

Well, if by wank you mean educational fun... then stand back, it's w*nk*ng time.

[LAUGHING]

Let's get the year rolling with an all-school spelling bee.

Whoo-hoo!

Ugh, I guess I won't be popular this year either.

Bart, your word is "imply."

Imply. I-M-P...

Bart said I am pee. He's made of pee.

[LAUGHING]

Well, I got my laugh. I'm out of here.

I made Bart in my pants.

Well, we're down to our last two students.

Milhouse, your word is "choke."

Oh, I know this one.

It's so easy. F... Oh, man!

[LAUGHING]

Stop laughing. It will scar him for life.

[CHUCKLES]

It is kind of infectious.

Lisa, "impugn."

I-M-P...

Hey, Lisa said she was...

Unh, shut up, Pee.

... U-G-N. Impugn.

That's right. Lisa Simpson, you're school champion.

[CHEERING]

Wow, I better make the most of this.

Free Tibet!

There'll be time for that later.

Now you concentrate on representing our school at the state spelling finals.

[IN UNISON] Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!

And here's your prize for today... a scale model of the planet Mars.

This is just a kickball with "Mars" written on it.

Behold, the Red Planet.

[CHEERING]

Lisa: It was so exciting.

I actually got applause for being smart.

Mars, eh? Hmm.

I see no evidence of water.

Well, this is very impressive, Lisa.

I'm kicking this right onto the mantle.

Well, I'm not done yet.

Principal Skinner said if I win the state finals... I can go to the Spellympics.

I'm just happy you're excited... about something besides saving the whales.

Face it, they're doomed.

Man: Hey, hey, the Ribwich is back.

The Ribwich.

The commercials have come to pass.

Try the new Ribwich. It's so good you'll croak.

You seem like an impartial observer.

But I've been fooled by so many people in costumes.

Try the sauce. I'm soaked in it.

[MOANS]

I could lick you all day long.

And yet my children think I'm a failure.

One Ribwich, please.

Mm-hm.

Hmm. "Now without lettuce."

[GRUNTS]

[CACKLING]

[MUMBLING RAPIDLY]

Sir, are you all right?

I have eaten the ribs of God.

Drool cleanup at Register 4.

[CONTINUES MUMBLING]

"Ameliorate."

Could you use it in a sentence?

"Nothing can ameliorate the ineptitude of Principal Skinner."

I wish he wouldn't use me in every example.

A-M-E-L-I-O-R-A-T-E. Ameliorate.

Correct. Lisa, you just won the state finals.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[CHEERING IN UNISON] Diphthongs, cognates, Latin roots.

Lisa clobbers all you fruits

Oh, our little girl's got her own cheering section.

Hey, who doesn't?

You tell her, big H.

You the man.

Ah, you ain't so hot.

Lisa, I'm so impressed you're state champ.

Finally, a Simpson has a trophy without a bowling ball on it.

Well, why don't we celebrate by going to a movie?

That sounds like a magical family moment. I'm sorry I won't be there.

Really? It won't be the same without you, Dad.

Oh, sweetie. You're the most important thing to me in the world.

Only very serious daddy business can tear me from your side.

Three Ribwiches, please.

And instead of a shake, I'd like a blended Ribwich.

I'm sorry, sir.

The Ribwich was for a limited time only.

Not again. First, you took away my Philly Fudge Steak... and then my Bacon Balls, then my Watcha-ma-chicken.

[SOBBING]

You monster.

I'd like a large fries, please. And a collector's cup.

If you want the Ribwich, they're testing it in other markets.

Check out the tour schedule.

Wow, this is amazing.

I could follow the Ribwich from town to town.

That's what we do. We're Ribheads.

Maybe I should hook up with you guys.

After all, how long do any of us have to live?

If you like the Ribwich, not very.

Homer: D'oh!

Lisa, to honor Springfield Elementary's shining star... we are granting you a doublewide locker.

Your books will actually fit in this one.

Hey, my locker's gone.

Your effects have been moved to Willie's shack.

Come along, lad.

And lose your books.

They won't help you where you're going.

In business news, 3M and M&M have merged... to form, get this, Ultradyne Systems.

And speaking of news stories, here's another.

Springfield's spelling phenom Lisa Simpson... has qualified for spelling's answer to the Olympics... the Spellympics.

In a related story, the Spellympics is being sued by the Olympics... for use of the suffix "lympics."

[SIGHS]

This has gotta be the slowest news day ever.

Ah, that's better. Paris is no more.

The legendary City of Lights has been extinguished forever as a...

Okay, champ. I before E, except after C.

Except when pronounced like A, as in "neighbor" and "weigh."

Really? Hmm?

Well, what about in the sentence "Jim Nabors is way cool"?

How often is that gonna come up?

It's on my apron.

Yeah. I got work to do.

Hey, lookie.

It's that young'un what sorts them squiggles into words.

Can you spell "scabies"?

S-C-A-B-I-E-S.

Rubella, we got you a middle name.

You ain't supposed to hold her like that.

Spell "AC/DC."

A-C-D-C.

Uh-uh. You forgot the lightning bolt.

"Relapse."

R-E-L-A-P-S-E.

That's what beer has done to me.

Sock it to me. Sock it to me. Sock it to me.

[IN UNISON] L-I-S-A!

L-I-S-A!

Thank you. I've never felt more accepted.

Perhaps one day, people who spell correctly... will replace athletes at the top of our national pantheon.

All: Boo!

Ha, ha, I was just K-I-D-D-I-N-G.

Man: Hmm?

[ALL CHEER]

Come on, dimples.

Spell something else for us.

I'm a little tired.

Oh, come on.

Hey, spell "Little Miss She-Thinks-She's-So-Big."

Ugh, very well. L-I-T-T-L-E M-I-S-S...

I ain't got time for this. I got a bar to run.

Welcome to the games of the 34th Spellympiad.

I'm George Plimpton, founder of The Paris Review.

I also played the evil dean in Boner Academy.

You monster. Why did you expel Boogerman?

He replaced my tennis racket with a rubber phallus.

Ha, ha, that was awesome.

And now in the ancient spelling-bee tradition... we shall release the bees.

[BUZZING]

[YELLING]

And now to exterminate the bees, the magnificent Blue Angels.

All: Ooh.

[COUGHING]

[SCREAMIN' JAY HAWKINS' "I PUT A SPELL ON YOU" PLAYING]

I put a spell on you

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

It's so exciting.

It's like living in a dictionary.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Because you're mine

Ha, ha, he's an aserose.

Really? He possesses the properties of a pine needle?

[CHUCKLES]

Look, I didn't bring a Game Boy. This is all I got.

A-N-T-H-R-A-X. Anthrax.

[BELL DINGS]

All: Aw.

He's adorable.

I'd sure like to tuck that in at night.

Well, we're down to our three finalists: Lisa...

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

...Sun Moon... and Alex.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

We will crown our champion tomorrow.

Now please enjoy our unlicensed knockoff of the Olympic anthem.

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Congratulations, sweetie. You're in the finals.

Well, I'm just happy you guys all came up here to Calgary with me.

I'm sorry, honey. I can't be here tomorrow.

It's the last day the Ribwich is in San Francisco.

Dad, this is my moment in the sun.

How can you miss it to be with a sandwich?

You don't understand. It's not just a sandwich.

It's about brotherhood. It's about freedom.

It's about three days since I've had one.

I'm getting the shakes and I'm getting the fries.

Don't worry, honey. You can win without him.

I guess I'll have to.

Then I'll be queen of the world! Of spelling.

That's right, queen of the world! Of spelling.

Lisa, may I see you privately for a moment?

This can only be good.

Lisa, competitive spelling has fallen on hard times.

Today's students would rather watch Ozzy Osbourne.

"Look at me, I'm a drug addict. Ho, ho, ho."

Some of us still enjoy scripted comedy, sir.

That's a good girl.

But if spelling is to compete, it needs a charismatic champion.

Someone like me back when I was a white-haired little boy.

Well, I haven't won yet.

Nor shall you.

What?

The future of our very sport is at stake.

And we want the gold medal to go to him.

Lisa: Who? Alex?

The boy that everybody loves?

Yes.

He's crowd-pleasing and he's cute.

Women in the audience toss their thick glasses at him.

I'm not throwing a spelling bee.

I'll die before I misspell.

Be reasonable, Lisa.

If you take a dive, we'll guarantee you a scholarship... to the Seven Sisters college of your choice.

Oh, free college?

And a hot plate. It's perfect for soup.

Throw the bee and go to college.

Throw the bee and go to college.

We are the Seven Sisters, and you could attend any one of us.

Like Barnard, Columbia's girl next door.

Come to Radcliffe, meet Harvard men.

Come to Wellesley, marry them.

No, party with me.

Or non-conform with me.

Huh?

Play lacrosse with me.

Or explore with me.

Mm.

No, I don't wanna pay for college by throwing a spelling bee.

[IN UNISON] Give in, Lisa.

Get a free ride.

And a hot plate.

Free ride. Free ride. Free ride.

And a hot plate.

[LISA AND MARGE SCREAM]

What is it, sweetie?

Mom, I'm having a crisis of conscience.

Can you and Dad afford to send me to college?

Oh, sure.

I mean, not on your father's salary.

But I could, um, give piano lessons.

But you don't play the piano.

I just gotta stay one lesson ahead of the kid.

[SIGHS]

Well, I suppose I could just skip college and marry Milhouse.

I know this is a fantasy, but I'll take it. Ha, ha.

No, forget it.

No! I'll never be this happy again!

[SOBS]

Hey, man, can you turn me on?

Hey, don't borgnine my sandwich.

[HORN HONKS]

Hey, hey.

It's the guy from the drive-through.

Yeah. I'd like three Ribwiches, a Diet Coke...

Will you get out of my...? Look, uh, about the Ribwich.

There aren't gonna be any more.

The animal we made them from is now extinct.

The pig?

The cow?

You're way off.

Think smaller.

Think more legs.

All: Ew.

People, we went through something magical together.

It's not important who got rich off of whom... or who was exposed to tainted what.

And because you believed in my dream... I want you to fight over the last Ribwich ever made. Here.

[HOMER GRUNTING]

Welcome to the real world, hippies.

Wow, what a long, strange product rollout it's been. Goodbye.

Hmm?

[GRUMBLES]

Man, you got the last Ribwich.

I'll give you anything for it.

Please. I'll get you four days and three nights at a Comfort lnn.

Anywhere in the lower 48 states.

Blackout dates, December 19th through January 5th.

I give you the lease to my car.

Ah! Lisa. Is this what I've come to?

Fighting over a stupid sandwich on my daughter's big day?

Mister, I'll take that car.

That's nice.

Aha.

Mm, mm.

I have the buyer's remorse.

All right. Your word is "weather."

Which one? Can you use it in a sentence?

Certainly. "I don't know whether the weather will improve."

Uh... Ooh.

W...

Uh, um... E...

[BUZZER BUZZES]

Alex, your word is "rigged"... as in, "This contest is rigged."

R-I-G-G-E-D. Rigged.

Bravo, my pet.

You shall be champion... assuming Lisa misspells this next word.

The word is "intransigence."

Could I please hear it in a sentence?

Certainly.

"The little girl's intransigence cost her the college of her choice."

Intransigence. I...

Daddy made it for your dance recital, honey.

Dad, you do care.

Damn right. You're number one on my menu.

Now super size it.

With you here, I can't fail.

Attention, everyone.

I was asked to take a dive, but I won't do it.

I-N-T-R-A-N-S-I-G-A-N-C-E.

You fool, it's E-N-C-E.

Oh, my God, you're right. I spelled it wrong.

I tried my best and I failed.

And now you lose everything.

And I go back to whatever it is I do.

[SIGHS]

Lisa, honey, you spelled the word wrong... but you did the right thing.

Yeah. You're the number one speller in this car, or in that car... or in that car, or... Don't look at that car.

[SIGHS]

My one chance for everyone to like me and I blew it.

Wha...?

Skinner: Two cheers for Lisa.

Hip, hip...

Hooray!

Hip, hip...

Hooray!

Now deep breath and quiet.

You mean you're all still proud of me?

Lisa, with second place... you're the biggest winner this town ever had.

Before you, it was the woman who dated Charles Grodin.

You have made me feel so wonderful.

Thank you, Springfield.

We've got another surprise for you.

Bart: Ay, caramba.

Ah! That's amazing. Thank you.