Grampy Can Ya Hear Me

One more thing to remind me of my insignificance. [GRAMPA GROANS] Two adults, one student, one boy who just phones it in, and a senior citizen veteran on his birthday. Oh, and I'd like to apply my astronaut discount. I'll need to see your diaper. Typical cheapskate Homer. Taking all the fun out of turning 87. Get this stupid party hat off me! - What the ? - Oh, I'll fix it. [GRAMPA GROANS] Woo-hoo! 182! Homer, that's your weight on the moon. [SHRIEKS] PLUTO [DISTORTED]: I used to be a planet. Then one day they called and said it was over. It's over when I say it's over! So sad. But I'll be back. I'm working on some stuff. Let's just say you might not be seeing Halley's Comet no more. [ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY INSIDE] Losers. [ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING] NARRATOR: Forged in a nanosecond in the Big Bang, our universe is so enormous, every NFL stadium could fit inside it. And their parking lots. [CROWD OOHING, GASPING] When's this show gonna start? It has started. [STAMMERS] How can it have started if I'm talking? Wouldn't that bother everyone? Quiet! I can't hear the Big Bang! NARRATOR: Approximately 13. 8 billion years ago - [GASPS] Billion? - the universe consisted of a tiny singularity of enormous mass, which suddenly burst forth in the greatest explosion ever. - [EXPLOSION] - Fire in the theater! No! Your pupils aren't ready for Earth light! [CROWD SCREAMS, GASPS] Damn it, I was developing film! [JAZZ BAND PLAYING "IN THE MOOD" OVER STEREO] Turn it up! I can't hear it! Louder! Keep it down! [TIRES SCREECH, MUSIC STOPS] Mm, happy birthday. I never want to hear that again! Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you. Say my name, you cowards! Make a wish, party popper. Okay, I will. [MAN GROANS] That was a coincidence. I got you the one birthday present you can really use. A call girl that kills me after? - A hearing aid. - A hearing aid? Forget it. People will think I'm old, dadgummit. You are old. You've lived long enough to see your prejudiced attitudes come back into fashion. Lousy Greeks. - [BIRD CHIRPING] - [GRAMPA GASPS] [WIND WHISTLING] [BINGO BALLS CLACKING] [NEEDLES CLICKING] [MAN SNORING] [LOUD DRIPPING] - [CHIRPING] - [LAUGHS] Thank you. Bart! Bart! Wake up. - Yo. What's up? - Listen. The planetarium said the universe is 13. 8 billion years old. But I turned in a paper where I said million! What do you want from me? [SNAKE RATTLES] I was just wondering if you were planning on breaking into the school anytime soon. You know, like, maybe tonight. Nope. Not till next month. Please. I'll do your homework! Sounds like you can't even do your own homework. - Ouch. - Yeah, you think about that while I'm breaking you into the school. Hmm. MARGE: Who's breaking into the school? Bart's just talking in his sleep! MARGE: I believe that. Trust you. Good night! How did you know this door was broken? Eh, Willie keeps me posted. I keep him in licorice. [GRUNTS] Willie's riding the red pony tonight. [MOANING] Look who's got pumpkin stickers! Bart, those are for Halloween. Also Thanksgiving if there's some left over. Whoa! Where has this been all my life? Come on, let's go! Okay. You fixed your stupid paper, and I scored the teacher's nicotine gum. She does that so she doesn't smell like cigarettes, you know. Yeah, and she should also get some booze gum. [MECHANICAL BUZZING] What's that? Maybe it's the ghost of that boy who had to climb that rope in gym until his heart exploded. [GASPS] You're making that up. Am I that creative? No. [MECHANICAL BUZZING CONTINUES] [MECHANICAL BUZZING CONTINUES] Oh, God. [GASPS] Principal Skinner. Are you living in the school? Absolutely not. And you have no proof. [GROANS] Seymour, why are you living here? You have a house. With 30 pizzas on the way. 30 pizzas. I can finally send mama back to Italy! Mwah! It's not my house, it's Mother's. But after what I just found out she did, I can never go back. They say it's better to talk about it, but I never will. - Okay. - We understand. Seriously, don't ask what it was. - Are you asking? - I was stretching. Then why'd you only stretch one arm? It's the only arm that needed stretching. Fine, I'll tell you what it was. - You don't have to. - Really, it's okay. We believe you. Ever since I was a kid, I-I wanted to be a drummer. - In a rock band? - No. Marching. I would've given all I had to be the dot on that "I. " It's also called a "tittle. " Don't you think I know that? I did everything I could to make that band. In my application, I sent songs and choreographies. [LIVELY MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYING] I'm a shoo-in! Then the fateful day came. Son, you got a letter from Ohio State University. I'm too nervous to get up. Do you want me to read it to you? Yes. I'm sorry. You were rejected. Uh, seems kind of thick. Well, they gave you a lot of reasons why you weren't good enough. That's so sad. There's more I have to tell you. I was going to surprise Mother by papering her drawers, then I found this. I was accepted. She lied. That's so sad. - [BART CHUCKLES] - What makes this really tragic is there was also a personal handwritten letter from the Director of Admissions. Dear Seymour, I truly hope you'll accept a full scholarship to come to Ohio State. We want to make use of your brillant formations immediately [SNIFFS] What's that smell? I'm making spaghetti and kick balls. And in a fantastic coincidence, our current marching band director is due to retire in four years and I can't of a better replacement. You'll live a life at the pinnacle of Columbus society and be buried at the fifty-yard line where you will witness coin tosses for all eternity. Does it get worse than that? How could it be worse than that? May I see the letter? [SCOFFS] I must say your sympathy is a pleasant surprise. No, this is just the only college acceptance letter I'll ever hold. Mm. So it's for all these reasons that I will not be seeking a seat in the U. S. Senate. I will now take a few questions. Let me tell you the wonderful present I just got. Dad! What a surprise! [UNDER BREATH]: What's he doing here? Didn't we just see him yesterday? GRAMPA: That's what they're saying under their breath? How awful! I want to hear all of it. Maybe if we pretend we're tired, he'll go home. [ALL YAWNING] Thank God he can't hear us. And I'm glad these fake yawns are something we can do as a family. What?! You, too?! Good-bye! Dad, wait! What's wrong with the old coot? I mean, what's wrong with you, you sweet old coot? I got a hearing aid, and I heard everything you said. We didn't mean the mean things we meant. We just said them because we meant them. [STAMMERS ANGRILY] I am gone forever! A little mall walk will cheer me up. Uh-oh, old guy. Don't make eye contact. Rubbing them is like working dry lasagna. Old guy! Here he comes! He'll want to try all my lotion samples. I'll have to explain what "send" is on a cell phone. Come in! Come in! Well, that's more like it. [SCREAMS] [LISA GASPING, GROANING] I had to cheat. I was doing it for the bell curve. And with 99% of the vote in, the next president is Lisa Simps Wait a minute. I'm being told she cheated on a paper in second grade. She is disqualified, making our next president Kenny Hitler. No! Hey, welcome to Bob Hope's USO Show, or as I like to call it, Christmas away from Dolores. [RIM SHOT, CYMBAL CRASH] Oh, that could've been me on those drums. I would've gotten to rehearse at his house in Toluca Lake. Toluca Lake! What'll it be? Can an old vet have a beer and tell you his troubles? Sure. [NO AUDIO] And that's how I opened the orange. So, uh, [CHUCKLES] my mother didn't tell me I got in. That's all right. You can enroll now. - Can I? - No! This is a school, not an '80s comedy. That, uh, letter you sent me is that something you send every student? No, I only sent that once, to you. When you didn't show up, that was the second worst day of my career. What was the worst? The day the Big Ten expanded to 14 schools. What are we, morons? We didn't even notice till Northwestern pointed it out. Oh, I'm sorry, should I not have told you about the letter? Uh, no. It's actually good, because I'm no longer sad. I'm angry! It's time for a furious self-guided tour of this campus. I've never seen someone walk the oval so many times. He's got to be dizzy. I switch directions every other lap. - Oh, uh, Michigan sucks. - What? That's how we say "excuse me" around here. [BELLS CHIMING MELODY] CHOIR [TO MELODY]: Loser, loser Loser, loser Missed opportunity All over now You poor bastard. Et Tu, Brutus? Hey! [GRUNTS] Okay, Mother, it's time for an unpleasant confrontation. [SCHOOL BELL RINGING] Class, I'm going to hand back your astronomy papers. LISA: Keep calm. Keep calm. No one knows you did anything wrong. Lisa Simpson, come to my desk. [GASPS] Miss Hoover, I have to confess. I changed my paper. It said million, but I knew it was billion. [SOBS]: Oh, please. Maybe I can start a new life in the other second grade class. [SOBBING] I know you changed your paper. I don't care about your grade. Where the hell is my nicotine gum? [SNIFFLES] My brother had it, and he was hanging around the class pet. I'll get you some more gum. You do that. Can I help you? What are you doing here? Your mother rented me your room. You rented my room to the town drunk? I am also the state drunk. [BURPS] What do you want? [GASPS] You know? Yes. Yes, I do. Oh, son, forgive me. I'm so sorry. I just couldn't bear to lose you like I'd lost everything else. Oh, I would've arranged for you to live near me in the dorm. Oh, I can't live in a college town. Can't control myself sexually. What you did to me was the worst thing anyone could do to anyone, much less a mother to her son. I really don't know what you could say. Son, I guess when you get right down to it, I've always felt marching bands are a colossal waste of time. The music and the walking both suffer. You may have a point. And you'll always be my little tittle. - Is that a tear? - Maybe. [BOTH SIGH] Please, I beg you. Will you move back in? There are gonna have to be some changes. What kind of changes? Well, I want the parental controls taken off the TV. You'll just watch booby programs. If I'm in the booby mood, yes, I will. Welcome back, son. Looks like I got a little brother! He's not staying, is he? You boys work it out. We sure will, Ma. You still haven't found Grampa? No. But I found this guy who's willing to take his place. [SPANISH ACCENT]: I am Grandpapa. Gather the grandchildren that we might play the Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don't think anyone can replace our Grampa. Are you sure? Your husband she looked through hundreds of grandpapas. This was my third callback! Make a choice. - [PHONE RINGS] - Yello. Is this the no-good ungrateful son of Abraham Simpson? - Speaking. - I'm gonna send him back to you, and I don't want to see him here again. This place is really depressing. And he does not help. There's a pathetic old drunk peeing himself in the bathroom. That's a mirror. And it's not the bathroom. BART: [SIGHS] When's Grampa going to get here? GRAMPA: I knew it. Still bad-mouthing me behind my back. LISA: I can't believe it, but I miss him so much. [CONFUSED GRUNT] BART: I love him, too. I just can't say it to his beautiful shriveled turnip head. Aw. I love how he knows what every building used to be. And Maggie says [MECHANICAL VOICE]: U. R. A. D. Light. [SOBBING] Come get your Grampa, you sweet slices of melon. - Aw. - [ALL SIGH] Aw, we love you. Woo-hoo! D'oh! What are you watching? It's a booby movie, isn't it? It's Emmy-winning premium cable. Do they show boobs? Not since they started winning Emmys. Very disappointing. Well, I guess I'll watch with you. What's that thing? It's a raven from the Lannister's Maester. What's a Lannister? What's a Maester? House Lannister is the wealthiest - Is that a dragon? - Yes. This is stupid. He walks down the street He falls in a hole, man Everyone knows Hans Moleman! Who? Nobody knows Hans Moleman. Next. I was here first. [SCANNER BEEPS] In the checkout line He doesn't even scan Nobody knows Hans Moleman. I just need my heart pills. Nobody knows Hans Moleman.