Leave It to Beavers

Evolution. Bah! I have one enormous problem with evolution. Do you know what that problem is, Pinky?

The word ruins many a spelling bee for grade-schoolers?

Worse than that, my cheese-headed cage mate. It is a slow process. Ponderously slow.

Slow as me trying to make a bubble bath using my tongue on a deodorant bar? Gaah!

It makes any slothful idiocy of yours seem like a knee-jerk reflex by comparison.

Why, knee-jerk is my secret middle name. Poit! Ahh--Uhh!

Yes, easy on the knee. Which is precisely why tonight you will be forced up the evolutionary ladder.

Ooh, I'm going to like watching Marcia Brady Up close like this, Brain.

As I activate this remote control, The cathode ray gun of the picture tube will fire photons at the television screen, exciting the radiant particles in the watch dial, causing a mutating effect on your gene pool.

Ooh! Aah! Tingly, Brain.

That tingle means it's working. You are evolving into a new species, destined to help me take over the world.

Whoo-Hoo-Hoo! Narf.

[Chattering]

Pinky? Pinky?!

I'm playing dead fishie in the bottom of the boat. Hoo-ha!

No discernable change, then. I'll cross-circuit the volume control with the frequency modulator.

Good idea, Brain. Narf. I would have dipped it in jelly.

[Chattering]

Um, Brain, how do you say, "Let go of the little thing I pick and point with." to a beaver?

If I could talk to animals, I wouldn't waste time with experiments like this.

[Chattering]

Pinky?

[Chattering] Narf.

[Chattering] Narf?

Oh, my. I've finally hurt him. I've scrambled his thought patterns like so many unfertilized chicken embryos.

[Chattering]

[Chattering]

So I said, if you don't like licorice, Why squeeze the cat?

Pinky, give the amphibious rodent another witty verbal pearl.

Say what?

Talk beaver.

Oh. Um, have you heard the one About the beautiful lab assistant?

[Chattering] Va-Va-Va-Voom-- [Chattering]

[Laughing and chattering]

This remote activates some facility in you For interspecies communication.

[Chattering]

What?

I can also talk to beavers.

Pinky, are you pondering what i'm pondering?

I think so, Brain, but isn't a cucumber that small called a gherkin?

Undoubtedly, Pinky. But that is a question for another evening. With your new skill, The entire beaver population can be at my command. We'll dam the rivers, Control the waterways, and flood the cities!

And always have something damp and musky to scratch.

A veritable dream come true. Will he go along with our plan?

[Chattering]

[Chattering]

On one condition.

Darn. Should've known there'd be a price.

[Chattering]

He wants bubblegum.

Deal. Our target is the small town Of La Vista del Arroyo Odioso. We will build the dam here.

If the town acquiesces to my demands, we'll repeat the same process all over the world.

[Chattering]

[Both beavers chattering]

On one condition, Brain. They want shiny things.

But, I gave them gum.

Well, that was for the clan that lives by the big oak. There are only 5 of them. You'll need the clan that chatters when they scratch. This is their leader, Wigglenose Thump Thump Thump.

How quaint. And they want shiny things.

Oh, yes, Brain. Anything they can wash and then look at the sparkles.

[Chattering]

Deal. But, no more gum.

[Beavers chattering]

Pinky, what's going on? The dam isn't half-built.

[Chattering]

[Chattering]

Oh, he says the clan that lives by the big oak wants to build the shiny things into the dam, But, um, let me see-- Poit! The clan that chatters when they scratch has given the shiny things to the clan that burrows when they eat, in exchange for some wet leaves.

[Chatters]

[Chatters]

He suggests big shoes.

Run that by me again.

Well, the beavers are all very envious of the lovely hollow things that men wear on their feet. Big shoes would make them all very happy. What are you looking for, Brain?

The mute button.

[Beavers chattering]

I trust all our labor problems have been resolved, Pinky?

Yes, Brain.

Narf. Ahh!

And doesn't the dam look lovely With all the gum and shiny things in it? Quite picturesque.

[Sighs] They truly are a race Of gifted crafts-rodents. And by now, their handiwork will have brought us to the precipice of victory. Wish me luck, Pinky. I am going to make our demands to the people of La Vista del Arroyo Odioso.

Chile rellenos!

Citizens of La Vista del Arroyo Odioso, I am the Brain. Bow down before me.

Look! A talking shoe!

I am not a shoe. I am a genetically altered laboratory mouse who is about to flood your fair city.

Cool!

Grant me total control, or none but fish shall walk your streets.

Well, the joke's on you, shorty. After the flood of '48, We put in those drainage slues. Your evil scheme will come to no good!

[Sighs] You haven't heard the last of me. I shall return! Victory is at hand, Pinky.

We need only get the beavers to dam up the drainage slues.

Oh, i don't know, Brain. Poit! The beaver who asks questions of the universe Says this is not a propitious time for dam-building.

[Muffled chattering]

Tell him the mouse who clobbers When he is angry says he is full of foolish superstition. We must act quickly if we are to-- Pinky, where is the remote?

I don't know, Brain. Poit! You had it last.

Well, I left it right here.

Did you look under the sofa cushions?

We're outside. There is no sofa.

Well, there you are, then. What does it look like, Brain?

You know. It's a remote. It's sort of black and shiny and-- Oh, no. They put it in the dam! I've got to get it out. Ugh. Aggh. Yuck! Agh. [Grunting] Ooh!

Aah! Aah!

I have revised my opinion of evolution, Pinky. It works fast enough. Some creatures are just not meant to join civilized society. Let us head inside and prepare for tomorrow night.

Um, [chattering]

Why, the same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!

[Beavers humming pinky and the brain theme song]