A River Runs Through Bob

Bob: Ah! (inhales deeply) Air! Come on, kids. Get some of that woodsy air in your lungs. (inhales) Oh, that's pretty woodsy, right? (inhales) Woodsiest I've ever smelled. Bob: Yeah. (inhales) My musk will blend right in. I'm pretty sure camping isn't good for my... (sputters) I don't know, knees? I've got a note around here somewhere. I'll write you a note after I write myself one. Come on, guys. It's not Tina's fault she was sick when her Thundergirl troop went camping. This way, you all get to go on my make-up camping trip. Yay. What do we know about camping? We come from a family of city dwellers. We're all gonna die! Hey, I know plenty about camping. I used to go camping, once, when I was a kid. It's great, from what I remember. Plus, what would you say if I told you I'm carrying a saw in my pocket right now? Is that what you said when you met Mom? Are those nail clippers? It's my Nature Master. It's a multi-tool. It does everything nature requires. Could it kill an eagle? Why would we want to kill an eagle? I don't know. They're so condescending. Yes! We're killing eagles. Actually, my Thundergirl handbook says to leave only footprints, so we probably shouldn't kill anything. (groans loudly) Tina: We could go on a 13-smilehike. (Linda groans) There's taking pictures with your mind. (Linda groans) Consensual bird watching. Linda: We don't have to do any of that, do we, Bob? Bob: No. Hiya, folks. You picked a great weekend to camp. You'll all be fine. Um... great. Wait, why'd you say we'll all be fine? Because you will. You'll all be fine. Just mind the river, that's all. It's, uh, high this year. But you'll be fine. And your family will be fine. Okay. ThunderMint? God, no. Keep those in a sealed container. We've had some aggressive wildlife out here lately. Bears? No. Squirrels. Seriously? We've lost some good people recently. To the squirrels? Bears. Linda and Bob: What? (laughs) Kidding. Budget cuts. They've made a lot of budget cuts and now it's just me. People don't value the parks and then they get what they get. Bob, this guy's freakin' me out. Shh. It's fun. It's ranger humor. Uh, so, we're gonna drive now, so, thanks for everything. (chuckling): Camp at your own risk. State park motto. Sir, I need you to lift the gate. Yeah, right, the gate. Sure. Yeah, you just sort of left. Open. Open sesame. There you go. Thank you. Gene: (gasps) Nature boner! Mm, boing! That's not what it is, Gene. Come on. It's a rock. It's a wang. Mount Wang. William Archibald Wang, a Chinese diplomat, was the first to summit that mountain. William Wang, what can't you do? Where's he now? Back in the city, staying at a hotel like a normal person. (bees buzzing) Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ooh! What are those? Bees? Oh, I hate 'em. Great identification, Mom. Thank you, Tina. Wait, Bob, this is all you packed? Well, I mean, I packed this, my Nature Master, and I got two tents and this cool camping stove I borrowed from Teddy. What about food? And water? And what about toiletries? (chuckles) Well, there's a river right there. That's all the water you could ever drink, you know? So we'll be fine for one day. Oh. And the river's also nature's grocery store. That's where we get all our food, like fish and vegetables. Vegetables?! Yes. From upriver. Mac and cheese? And we'll make our own cheese. We can do that in the woods. But how? I-I-I... Because you ferment the milk from... I... Look, people, everything we need is right here. Or over there. There's no line for that food truck. You know what? Fine. I'm going to go catch me a meal. In that river. With this. We're gonna catch all the fish. God, I love you. Hi. I'm sorry to bother you. We're camping over there, and my husband blew it on packing. Can I borrow some crackers or, you know, peanut butter? You guys, you look so prepared. You've got to be prepared when civilization breaks down. Oh. Wait, why will civilization break down? Have you been to the post office lately? She knows. That's right I know. What does she know? You know. I know you know I know. What happens at the post office? They seem organized. He doesn't know. He doesn't know anything. What? Perhaps you might be interested in reading more about it in our literature. Oh! Okay. Huh. Woman: Please... borrow whatever you need. Ooh. That plus that plus that. Oh, uh... Wow. I-I need my juice. Okay. Well, enjoy our provisions while you digest our truths. Thank you so much. Um, can I borrow some wine, too? Wine helps me drink. (chuckles) Come on, kids, let's go. Mmm, mmm! Those kooks make some good chili. Bobby, you sure you don't want any chili? (scoffs) No. I will be enjoying the fish I caught. That's a fish? Yeah, Gene. It's a trout. It's king of the river. I can cut it up if anyone wants to share. You know, I'm not gonna... be able to eat all this. Dad, are you sure you cooked it enough? Tina, the worst thing you can do is overcook a trout. I wish I could cook it less. Enjoy your goldfish, wild man. (gags, coughing) That's a lot of bones. But with trout, when you're as experienced as I am... (coughs) you learn to use your mouth to take the bones out. Use the back of your... (coughs) throat. Wow. They're asleep. Must be the woodsy air. Yeah. Crazy how kids can fall asleep sober like that. Mm. Hey, I read that there's a warm spring around here. Some people skinny-dip there. You want to, uh, go find it? A warm spring? Don't you mean a hot spring? Well, it said warm spring. What about the kids? They're fine. We'll be close. Okay, but if a deer sees me naked, you can't get jealous. What about the vest? Oh, no, this guy stays on. Oh, that's nice. Ah. Come on in. Whoo! Uh... (burps) 'Excuse me. Oh, that's really trouty. This is lukewarm at best. They should call it a tepid spring. Really? 'Cause I'm, uh... Wow. I'm boiling in here. (groans) Oh, boy. I'm gonna, uh... I'm just gonna use the restroom.