Fake Dad

[The episode begins at the Fake Dad Headquarters.]

President Dad: This is the big thing that you're doing, Mr. Hoek. We have just the boy for you. He's only a 30 years old and it hasn't that much love. [Ren and Stimpy tears off] But I think you're just the men who gets turn him around.

Ren: Come on, bring in the little nibber.

Stimpy: Joy, Ax to see!

President Dad: Okay, Bring in Kowalski! [Paddy Wagon stops on. Close-up at Kowalski's eyes and Kowalski opens the back truck.] Kowalski is serving a 30 year prison sentence for Crime against humanity. When we put it out if we get for love. [Kowalski growls. Ren was worried] Well, go on, Kowalski. Say hello to your mate dad. [Kowalski growls] He's gonna give you and love you you'll ever had.

Stimpy: Go ahead, Ren. Give him your love! [Kowalski hugs tightly at Ren]

Kowalski: Hmmm... DADDY! Kowalski love no daddy. [Kowalski looks at Ren. Stimpy was tearing off and sobs happily.Fades to the vanhouse. Cuts to Kowalski, Ren and Stimpy are on the couch. Ren sters the bowl. The sign says "Home Sweet Home".]

Stimpy: Oh joy! We are such a happy family!

Ren: Let us all your enjoy some crawlity time together! Oh look. I had some tasty icing on my spoon. Let us share it.

Stimpy: Oh no, you should give some with your new child. [Kowalski growls happily]

Ren: He's not my child.

Kowalski: Daddy...

Ren: I'm not your DAD! I'm only your FAKE DAD! And all for this weekend!

Stimpy: Be nice to the product of your loins.

Ren: [pokes Stimpy's nose] My fake loins!

Stimpy: OOH! OOH! [Kowalski slurps the icing, spoon and Ren and chews it. Kowalski spits Ren out. Ren was in the bowl.] I wish all children could know your love.

Kowalski: [Kowalski was reading a book, growling] Read.

Ren: My favorite CHAIR!! [Kowalski was reading "Prison Romance". Kowalski licks his finger and rips off his pages. Ren growls. Ren gives the Kowalski book.]

Ren: GIVE ME THAT! That's MY book your making! Why I'll take your pants down and ought to spank you!

Stimpy: Ren Hoek, what are you doing? Shame on you. You leave his little hands on. Show him some love. You're his father. [Ren growls]

Ren: I'm not his dad!

Stimpy: Shame, shame, double shame. [Ren looks at Stimpy.]

Ren: You're right. I've been terrible. Okay, I'm sorry Kowalski, but be careful. This is my house and these are my things. [Ren walks offscreen. Kowalski growling. Kowalski look around. Kowalski thinks. Kowalski puts the "Long Life Cigarettes" out of his pocket. He pounds it and burns to the fire. Ren was angry. Kowalski was smoking. Kowalski sighs. Ren slaps his face at Kowalski.]

Ren: [Catching Kowalski smoking] What do you think you're doing! You're seven years old! Don't you know that smoking can KILL YOU?!? Now I really ought to spank you! [Kowalski roars] Why you... [look around, chuckles evilly. Ren bonks Kowalski's head] That'll teach ya how to smoke. [Kowalski covers his head and groans. Kowalski was tear up. Stimpy comes in.]

Stimpy: What's going on in there? [Stimpy sees Kowalski]

Kowalski: Daddy hit baby! BABY MAD!!! [growls, grabs the couch]

Ren: [gasps] MY FAVORITE COUCH! [Kowalski crushs the couch to dust, grabs the TV] [gasps] MY FAVORITE TV! [Kowalski crushs the TV to dust, grabs the Stimpy] [gasps] MY FAVORITE FRIEND! [Kowalski crushs the Stimpy to dust, Stimpy look at Kowalski. Fades to the garden. Kowalski growls.]

Ren: Okay Kowalski, what kind of sandwich do you want?

Kowalski: MEAT!

Ren: And what kind of bread do you want?

Kowalski: MEAT!

Ren: Meat on meat, eh? Okay, here's the meat on meat sandwich. [Kowalski was eating Meat on meat Sandwich and starts chewing it. Kowalski was shocking. He spits out Meat on meat Sandwich. Kowalski roars.] What's wrong now, Kowalski?

Kowalski: TOAST MEAT! [Stimpy has a toaster and Ren grabs the toast meat.]

Ren: Here! [Kowalski was open his mouth with Toast Meat. Kowalski eats it and chews it. Kowalski feels netural and coughs hardly.] What's wrong with you now!?

Kowalski: THIRSTY! WANT DRINK!

Ren: What would you like to drink, Kowalski?

Kowalski: MEAT!

Ren: Get him a glass of meat, will ya Stimpy?

[Stimpy pours the glass of meat. Kowalski drinks the glass of meat. Ren was exhausted. Kowalski blows the meat bubble and pops it. Kowalski groans. Ren looks worried at Stimpy smiles.]

Stimpy: Look Ren, Baby spit up! You're us fake dad! You better burp 'em!

Ren: Okay Kowalski, I'll burp you! [Ren pulls the Kowalski up to the back and Ren starts pats on Kowalski's back.] Okay Kowalski, burp for daddy! Come on Kowalski! Burp, I tell you! Cuts the Timecard says "36 Weeks Later", Cuts to Ren continues patting Kowalski's back. Ren gets tired and starts panting.] Oh come on, Kowalski! PLEASE burp! Do it for your own man! [Ren pulls Kowalski back to the tree.] I'm telling you there's no way he's going to burp. Not in the million years! [Ren are grumpy at Kowalski.]

Kowalski: Ohhh... [Kowalski was about to burp. Kowalski has a loud burp at Ren and Ren winds his fur off. Ren looks at the fur gone and he gets angry. Ren had a spatula.]

Ren: ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD ALL I CAN STAND FROM YOU, KOWALSKIIII!!!!!!!

Stimpy: Now now, Ren!

Ren: SHUT UP!! He is ALREADY COMING FOR ALL TIME NOW!!!! ALRIGHT KOWALSKI... GET UP!!!! COME ON! [Kowalski gets up] UP! THAT'S RIGHT! NOW TURN AROUND!! TURN AROUND!!! [Kowalski feels confused. Kowalski turns around. Stimpy was about to poke Ren's back.] PLUG OFF, MAN!! ALRIGHT KOWALSKI... [Kowalski groans] TAKE THEM DOWN! COME ON, TAKE THE PANTS DOWN!!!

Kowalski: Waahh?

Ren: THE PANTS, KOWALSKI! THE PANTS! [Kowalski sighs] [giggles] This is gonna happen. [Kowalski puts the pants down. Ren giggles and he shocked. Ren looks at Kowalski and gets very upset. He drops the spatula and tears up.] Put it up. PLEASE, put it up! Put up the pants! [Kowalski looks at Ren. Kowalski put the pants up. Ren looks at the viewers. Fades to Kowalski humming. Ren was holding Kowalski.]

President Dad: Well, how did you enjoy your weekend, Kowalski?

Kowalski: Daddy burp Baby! Daddy loves Baby!

President Dad: You've got a wonderful service to humanity, Mr. Hoek. You've really turn the ladder round. Okay boys, take him away. [Kowalski growls and goes to the Paddy Wagon. Two of them close the backdoor truck. Kowalski was in the cell. Kowalski pants, groans and whimpers. Ren was feeling sad.]

Kowalski: Goodbye, daddy! Goodbye, daddy! Goodbye, daddy! Goodbye, daddy! [drives off] Goodbye, daddy! Goodbye, daddy! Goodbye, daddy!

Ren: [sniffs] Goodbye, baby! [sobs]

Kowalski: Goodbye, daddy! Daddy daddy! Goodbye- [Ren sniffs, Stimpy hugging Ren was crying]

Stimpy: There there. It's okay. Even Daddy's can cry sometimes. [The iris was closing completely at the end of the episode.]