Professor Longhorn Steer

(The episode opens up on Cow and Chicken's house.)

Cow: "Want to play "Pin the Tail on the Country"?"

(The camera cuts into the living room, where Chicken is standing next to a world globe.)

Chicken: "No, I do not wish to play that stupid game."

Cow: (wearing a blindfold) "Ooh, come on."

Chicken: "No."

Cow: (striking her udders against Chicken's head) "Pleeeease?"

Chicken: (annoyed) "Eh, all right."

Cow: (shouting) "GREAT!" (dancing in place, laughing) "Oh, this is so exciting. Oh, I am going to pin it on Paraguay." (Chicken spins the globe in one direction, and Cow runs to pin the tail on Paraguay, only to crash into a wall by mistake.) "Paraguay is so romantic." (She runs back to the globe, ready to pin the tail on Paraguay this time around.)

Cow: (cont., quickly) "Pin the tail on the country! (laughs)

(She accidentally knocks the globe off the stand with her udders by accident. The globe rolls in front of Mom and Dad's feet.)

Dad: (yelping) "What's this?"

Cow: (taking off her blindfold) "Ooh, it is a globe of the big, round world, Papa."

Both: "WHAT?!"

Dad: "Kids, the world is not round like that."

Cow: (confused) "It is not?"

Dad: (squashes the globe with his feet) "No, IT'S NOT! It's as flat as a pancake."

Chicken: "Hey, we always thought the world was round." (circles the shape of the world with his finger)

Dad: "Now, that is the kind of ignorant thing that's going to get you sailing off the edge of the world right into oblivion, Chicken!"

Mom: "Say, you know your brother might teach our kids."

Dad: "You mean Professor Longhorn Steer?"

Mom: "Yeah! Maybe, he can tutor Cow and Chicken to be smart!"

(Hoofsteps are heard outside as the doorbell rings, and Professor Longhorn Steer opens the door, holding a briefcase in his hand.)

Professor Longhorn Steer: "Steer clear, 'cause your steer steer is here! Now, where are the little dullards?"

Cow: "Ooh, right here, sir."

Professor Longhorn Steer: (chucking) "Well, well! My favorite niece and nephew! Cow and, uh... the Duck."

Dad: "Hey, Longhorn! Long time, no see!"

Professor Longhorn Steer: "What do you mean?! I see just fine!"

Dad: "No. I mean we haven't seen you in a while."

Professor Longhorn Steer: "I'm sorry, Dad. Been kinda stressed lately, y'know. Bein' a professor and all." (screams) "TIME FOR SCHOOL!"

Chicken: (skeptically) "'Ey, what kinda bull is he? He's no professor; he's just a steer."

( Professor Longhorn Steer hangs his head down low, but he then becomes confident the best he can.)

Professor Longhorn Steer: "I am a longhorn steer, (chokes up) and there is no shame in that! And, I am a professor! Just look at my briefcase."

(He shows the briefcase with a taped-on piece of paper that reads, "Professor Longhorn Steer", in front of his niece and nephews' faces.)

Professor Longhorn Steer: (cont.) "Told ya." (sits at a desk) "Enough formalities. Take your seats, please!" (Cow and Chicken zip to their seats, as Longhorn holds up a hose.) "Today, I'm gonna teach you the crud you're gonna need to know. This is a rubber hose." (stretches the hose and points to a set of blueprints) "I'm gonna teach you to cut just the right length for syphoning."

(Longhorn holds up a Swiss Army Knife and presses a button, causing four blades to pop out of the knife.)

Chicken: (skeptically) "Syphonin' what?"

Professor Longhorn Steer: (looks around) "Oh, just about anything."

(Cow and Chicken look at each other.)

Professor Longhorn Steer: (bellows shrilly) "MMMMMMATH CLASS!" (holds up a pair of dice.) "These are, uh, special math cubes. Seven is good if it comes up first. But later, it is bad." (He rolls the dice on the desk, and the dice cubes show a four side and a three side equaling seven.) "Hey, let's say we take our first field trip."

(The camera shifts to the city, where Cow, Chicken, and Longhorn march up to an alley.)

Professor Longhorn Steer: "Science class! (holds a penny and flips it against the wall) Take a penny and flip it against the wall."

(Both Cow and Chicken flip their pennies against the wall.)

Chicken: (skeptically) "What does this teach us?"

Professor Longhorn Steer: (to Chicken) "It teaches you to toss a penny at the wall. What are you: Stupid?"

(The camera fades to another part of the streets.)

Professor Longhorn Steer: (cont.) "Now, I'm gonna teach you guys how to find hubcaps and start a collection." (finds a hubcap and points to it) "Hey, I found another one!"

(Cow and Chicken are standing with their piles of hubcaps, while Longhorn tugs on the hubcap, grunting, until it pops off the hub of the car tire."

Professor Longhorn Steer: (cont.) "Ah, this'll be worth some dough."

Female Cop: "Hey, steer!" (Longhorn looks up at her.) "You're under arrest!"

(The camera shifts to a phone booth in prison, where Cow and Chicken are holding the phone receivers. Longhorn is wearing a jail uniform.)

Professor Longhorn Steer: (on the phone) "Class dismissed."

(Fade out)

(The camera then cuts to the bedroom window back at their house, where the silhouettes of the two siblings are shown.)

Chicken: "You know, I am starting to think that Professor Longhorn ain't really a professor, and what is up with him sneakin' out every night?"

(Longhorn sneaks past the house, of course, prompting Cow and Chicken to see him.)

Cow: "Ooh, there he goes again!"

Chicken: "Quick! Let's follow him!"

(They rush outside the house, where Chicken turn his head against the wall. Cow pokes her udders out, brings them back in, and pokes her head out.)

Cow: (pointing to Longhorn) "Look! There he is!"

(Longhorn is tiptoeing to an empty corral in the desert and comes to a stop. He turns his head to see if nobody has followed him. He then tensely grunts and groans as he puts his hooves to his head and back.)

Professor Longhorn Steer: (tensed) "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!"

(Cow and Chicken poke their heads above a set of boulders and see Longhorn roaring and getting down on all fours, behaving savagely. )

Professor Longhorn Steer: (roaring)

(He runs around the empty corral.)

Professor Longhorn Steer: (cont., snorting) "Stampede! Ya, ya! Ya!"

Cow: "Ooh, he is stampeding all by his-self."

Chicken: (sympathetic) "That's sad, really."

Professor Longhorn Steer: "Stampede!"

(He skids to a stop in front of his niece and nephew.)

Cow: "Professor, why is one so educated as yourself out here stampeding all alone at night?"

Chicken: (sternly) "That does not seem like professor behavior to me."

Professor Longhorn Steer: (releasing his stress) "All right, all right! I'll come clean!" (calms down) "I'm not really a professor, but-but I am a longhorn and a steer." (He tears up.) "I've never held a job. All my friends are all married and have kids, but not the longhorn! Oh, no! Not the steer!" (He starts crying.)

(Cow turns away out of sympathy and puts a hoof to her chin.)

Cow: (gets an idea) "You could use your natural talent to stampede!"

Professor Longhorn Steer: (happy) "Who in the right mind could use that?"

(Cut to: The Dirty Glass Milk Bar, exterior.)

(The camera cuts inside the bar, where a man is playing ragtime on a piano, as the camera pans right to a bartender pouring milk in a glass for a lonely cowboy. The cowboy then gulps down the milk, as Cow comes along.)

Cow: "What's wrong, Cowboy?"

Cowboy: (depressed) "My cattle won't stampede. They just sit there. They won't even move!" (sobbing) "So, I'm drownin' my sorrows in milk!" (to the Bartender) "Bartender, hit me again!"

(The Bartender hits the Cowbow in the face with a hot dog, literally.)

Bartender: "You've had enough, Cowboy! Besides, your credit's no good, and this here weenie's broken!"

(Cow grabs the the Cowbow's glass and squirts some milk in it mooing.)

Cowboy: "Ew."

Cow: (hands the glass to Cowboy) "Here, Cowboy, on the house. Also, there is a steer I would love you to meet!"

(Chicken and Longhorn arrive at the bar. The cowboy looks at Longhorn, who welcomes him with open arms, and the cowboy tears up, joyfully. The camera then cuts to the map of the state of Texas with a cow skull below the name and then cuts to the silhouettes of Longhorn and a massive herd of his old friends standing near an empty house in the far right of the background. Whip cracks are heard in the background as well)

Professor Longhorn Steer: (to the herd) "Some of you may not like me because I am hard! But before you leave here, you will all know how to stampede. DO YOU FIGURE SKATERS UNDERSTAND THAT?! All right! Let's do it right this time! Yee-haw!"

(He directs his hoof to their direction with another whip crack sound, and with the sound of an engine revving, the stampede charges forward, destroying a prairie cabin and a conestoga wagon. Cow and Chicken are dressed in cowboy outfits with the cowboy.)

Cowboy: "Now, lookie there, kids! That's real stampedin'!" (He gets flattened by the stampede.) "I'm so proud. Yee-haw." (groaning, with his bones cracking)

(The stampede barrels through an empty barn.)

Cowboy: (happy, slapping his knee and jumping in the air) "Yee-haw! We did it, Horse!"

Professor Longhorn Steer: (rests his arm on the cowboy's shoulder) "Would I steer you wrong?"

(Cow and Chicken laugh at their uncle's joke and give themselves a high-five. The camera then fades out and fades in on Cow, Chicken, and their parents on a sailboat out on an ocean.)

Dad: (at the ship's wheel, chuckling) "Well, kids, since Professor Longhorn Steer is in Texas now, looks like your mom and I will have to FINISH your education."

(Cow becomes worried and looks at her brother, as they come upon the edge of the world.)

Dad: (cont.) "First off: Geography!" (laughs maniacally)

(The sailboat falls off the edge of the world into oblivion, until the screen freezes. It turns out to be a painting that the Red Guy is looking at.)

Red Guy: "Ooh, that's right, kiddies: Listening to your parents is very important, (dips his head low) because they're older and no-stuff."

Red's Mom: (voiceover) "Dinner's ready, Red. All right, who were you talkin' to in there? You talkin' to yourself?"

Red Guy: (irritated) "Ooh, leave me alone, Mother! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!"

Red's Mom: (voiceover) "Red! Come out and eat your gruel!"

Red Guy: (chuckles) "My mommy. Oh, she's had so many face lifts that when she smiles, her toes wiggle!" (laughs)

Red's Mom: (voiceover, disgusted) "I heard that!" (Red leans back, blinking in surprise.) "Forget the gruel. Get out here and fight me man to man!"

Red Guy: (forced calmness) "As I was saying, listen to your parents."

Red's Mom: (voiceover) "Red!"

(Red can't handle the stress anymore.)

Red Guy: (raging) "SHUT UP! SHUT UUUUUUUP!"

(Iris out)

(Cut to: 'End' card)

Red's Mom: "End."

(Black out)