The Santa Simulation


 * Penny: Hey, guys. I don't mean to interrupt your little game, but I thought you'd like to see what you're missing out on. So, Bernadette. (Bernadette enters as if on a runway)
 * Penny: Bernadette's wearing leopard print pumps and a raptastic red dress from Forever 21. (Bernadette exits and Amy struts in)
 * Penny: And there's Amy, showing all kinds of ankle. In an outfit I'm assuming is from Forever 63. (Penny removes her coat wearing a short black dress.)
 * Penny: And I myself am wearing a little number that got me out of two speeding tickets and jury duty.
 * Sheldon Cooper: I know they're making a rhetorical point, I just don't know what it is.


 * Leonard: Oh, before I forget, Saturday I’m planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.
 * Penny: Really? That’s how you’re gonna spend your Saturday night?
 * Leonard: Oh, come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play anymore.
 * Penny: Oh, you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?
 * Leonard: Little bit, yeah.


 * Raj: Well, uh, there was a time when I had a thing for Penny, and I thought she was into me, too, because she got drunk and naked and climbed into bed with me. But apparently I misread those signals.
 * Amy: And you liked Bernadette also?
 * Raj: That was before Penny. I make it a rule to only fall for one of my friends’ girlfriends at a time. I’m very old-fashioned that way.
 * Amy: So at, uh, some point, you probably had a thing for me, too.
 * Raj: No, not really.
 * Penny: Oh, come on, Raj, not even a little bit?
 * Raj: Not that I can think of.
 * Bernadette: Think harder.
 * Raj: Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn’t, I mean, at all. What?


 * Sheldon: Oh, a scroll. I like scrolls. They’re my third favorite system of transmitting the written word. After stone tablets and skywriting. You have all been summoned to join a thrilling Dungeons and Dragons adventure. Your quest begins in a secret northern village of elves who have all been massacred. I like where this is heading. Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres. Oh, that’s a saucy twist. That leader’s name, Santa Claus. Oh, no, no, no!
 * Leonard: It’s actually ho, ho, ho, but you’ll get the hang of it. Thought it’d be fun to make a quest with a holiday theme.
 * Sheldon: Fun? Mixing Dungeons and Dragons with Christmas is like making a sandwich of grape jelly, the best-tasting jelly, and petroleum jelly, the worst-tasting jelly!


 * Leonard: Okay, you run into a room full of weapons, hit a trip wire, a cannon blows your face off, you die, you’re out of the game.
 * Raj: But, a cannon? Am I really out of the game?
 * Sheldon:(to Raj) Lucky.


 * Santa Claus: This is for leaving me in the dungeon to be eaten alive by ogres!
 * Sheldon: Wait, uh, uh, hang on. In my defense…
 * Santa Claus: Ho, ho, ho, you big dork. (Fires cannon)


 * Leonard: A cannon blows up your face. You die. You're out of the game.


 * Stuart: My carpal tunnel’s acting up.
 * Sheldon: Play through the pain.