21 Jump Street


 * [first lines; the movie opens in ‘The Year 2005’ Schmidt gets off the bus at high school, dressed like Eminem, he approaches a girl in the hallway]
 * Schmidt: Hey, Melodie.
 * Melodie: Hey.
 * Schmidt: Look, um…I know uh…we’ve known each other for a really long time. And uh…we live across the street from each other and stuff. And uh…I know like, in four days… I’m sure uh…you know, prom’s like in four day…
 * Melodie: Oh, my God. You’re not asking me to prom, are you? [Schmidt hears laughter from behind him and turns to see Jenko and his jock friends laughing at him]
 * Schmidt: Oh, fuck! No! No! I-I…no! No, I just…I mean, you probably going with someone.
 * Melodie: I’m sorry. I don’t know how to put this nicely.
 * Jenko: There’s not a nice way to put it. You’re a fucking nerd. And, you know, she’s, I don’t know, she’s hot. [Schmidt looks at Jenko] Look at her. Look at her. Look at her! Look at her! [Schmidt looking embarrassed turns to Melody]
 * Schmidt: I’ll see you later. I’ll see you later.
 * Melodie: Bye.
 * Jenko: Alright, buddy! Good talk! [Jenko is called to the principle’s office]
 * Hamilton Principal: I’ll said it loud and clear, if you didn’t get your grades up, you weren’t going to the prom [the principal holds up his paper which shows he’s got a grade F] You, my friend, are about to pay The Piper.
 * Jenko: I should pay who?
 * Hamilton Principal: You’re not going to the prom. Boy, you’re lucky you’re even graduating. [Jenko laughs]
 * Jenko: But I’m…but I’m gonna be prom king.
 * Hamilton Principal: I’m glad you had a great time in school, because you ain’t learn nothin’!
 * [‘7 Years Later’ Schmidt is entering the police academy, as he walks in, he sees that Jenko is line signing for the same training group, Jenko turns and notices Schmidt]
 * Jenko: Not so Slim Shady? What’s up? Holy shit! [at the physical training camp, Jenko and Schmidt are partnered up, and Jenko quickly beats Schmidt]
 * Schmidt: You’re good at this, huh?
 * Jenko: Yeah, I am. [at the class, Jenko gets his Officer’s Entrance Exam paper back with grade F] That’s bullshit! [he looks over at Schmidt, who’s sat next to him, and sees he’s got a grade A on his paper] You’re really good at this.
 * Schmidt: Yeah, I am.
 * Jenko: Hey, you wanna be friends? [they team, Jenko helps Schmidt pass his physical and Schmidt helps Jenko pass his entrance exam paper]
 * Police Chief: [as they are about to graduate the academy] Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the graduates of Class One Thirty Seven.
 * [Jenko and Schmidt are standing next to each other]
 * Jenko: You ready for a lifetime of being badass motherfucker?
 * Schmidt: Oh, I am. [cut to Schmidt and Jenko riding police bicycles around a park]
 * Jenko: I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions. And less homeless people doo-dooing everywhere.
 * Schmidt: [telling off a kid who’s got food in his hand threatening to feed the ducks] Sign says, ‘Do Not Feed the Ducks’.
 * Jenko: Right there. [the kid holds out his hand, dangling the food over the lake]
 * Schmidt: Don’t you…!
 * Jenko: Don’t! Stop it!
 * Schmidt: Don’t [the kid smiles and drops the food in the lake] You did it. You fed the ducks. You feel like a big shot?
 * [Jenko and Schmidt notice a motorcycle gang in the park]
 * Jenko: No fucking way!
 * Schmidt: One Percenters? These guys are big time drug dealers. If we could take them down as our first bust, we’d be off park duty for sure.
 * [Jenko notices one of the men pass a joint to the other]
 * Jenko: You see what I see?
 * Schmidt: Cannabis sativa.
 * [Jenko puts on his sunglasses and goes to get his bicycle]
 * Jenko: Chaka Khan
 * Schmidt: Cha…Chaka Khan? [as they approach the One Percenters smoking marijuana in the park] Gentlemen, we havin’ a little party?
 * Jenko: Have we forgotten that the use of marijuana is illegal?
 * Domingo: Well, I have um…glaucoma.
 * One-Percenter #1: I get nervous in crowds.
 * Tom Hanson: Herpes. [the others laugh, Jenko smacks the joint out of Domingo’s hand]
 * Jenko: Then you won’t mind if I search your bike now, would you?
 * Domingo: Go ahead. You won’t shit! Are you guys even real cops? You look like the kids on Halloween. [the other one One Percenters laugh]
 * Tom Hanson: If them boys is cops, I’m DEA. [Schmidt does a fake laugh]
 * Schmidt: I know! Right? I know! It’s hilarious. [Schmidt stops laughing] So why don’t you show us a little respect?
 * Domingo: Fuck you, pig!
 * Jenko: Hey! You want me to beat your dick off?
 * Domingo: You want to beat my dick off?
 * Jenko: I’ll beat your dick off with both hands. What’s up? Let’s go.
 * One-Percenter #1: That’s weird, man!
 * Schmidt: I think what he was trying to say was, he’s gonna punch you so many times round the genital area that…that your dick’s just gonna fall off.
 * Jenko: [as he searches Domingo’s bike and he pulls out a smile white bag out of the saddlebag] Why do you have soap in your…?
 * Schmidt: That’s actual drugs!
 * Jenko: Oh, my God! [Jenko grabs his gun and points it at Domingo] Get on the ground! [suddenly Domingo makes a run for it and the other One Percenters make a run for it in the opposite direction] Hey! Come here! Now! [Jenko starts running after Domingo]
 * Schmidt: What do I do?
 * Jenko: Chase someone!
 * Schmidt: Chase someone? Are you leaving your bike here? [Schmidt gets on his bike to chase after the other guys]
 * Jenko: [as he catches and handcuffs Domingo] Come here! You have the right to…to… [he doesn’t remember the Miranda rights] …suck my dick, motherfucker! [back at police headquarters, after thinking they’ve captured Domingo]
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: The department was forced to drop the charges, because you forgot to read him his Miranda rights. What possible reason is there for not doing the only thing you have to do when arresting someone?
 * Jenko: I did read him his rights. I did a version of that.
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: Do you even know the Miranda rights?
 * Jenko: Yes.
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: Let’s hear them then.
 * Jenko: You got a lot of stuff do, you don’t… You got a lot of…
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: No, go ahead. You goin’ anywhere, Schmidt? We have time.
 * Schmidt: I have a thing, but I can probably push it back.
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: Go ahead. It’s four declamatory sentences followed by a question, for a total of fifty seven words.
 * Jenko: Okay. Uh…it’s… Look it obviously starts with; ‘You have the right to remain silent.’ I know you heard this before. And then um…like uh… [Schmidt whispers to Jenko]
 * Schmidt: You have the right to an attorney.
 * Jenko: Oh, right! You have the right to…remain an attorney. And…
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: Did you say that you have the right to be an attorney?
 * Schmidt: You do have the right to be an attorney, if you want to.
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: Where were you?
 * Schmidt: I was uh…I was chasing my perp, sir.
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: And how did that go for you?
 * Schmidt: He…honestly he did get away, and he threw me down pretty hard. I actually fucked up my elbow pretty bad. [he holds up his injured elbow]
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: May I see that?
 * Schmidt: Yeah, actually it hurts cause the dirt gets mushed into it. [he holds his injured elbow close to Hardy and suddenly Hardy flips his finger hard at it]
 * Schmidt: Ow!
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: Fortunately for you two, we’re reviving a canceled undercover police programme from the eighties, and revamping it for modern times. You see the guys in charge of this stuff lack creativity and are completely out of ideas. So all they do now is recycle shit from the past and expect us all not to notice. One of these programmes involves the use of young immature seeming officers.
 * Jenko: So you’re saying that you’re gonna send us into like a child sex slavery ring?
 * Schmidt: Sir, if I have to suck somebody’s dick, I will. It’s just I prefer not to.
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: I think you idiots are perfect. You’re officially transferred.
 * Schmidt: Alright.
 * Jenko: That’s great. Uh…where should we report to?
 * Deputy Chief Hardy: Down on Jump Street. 37 Jump Street. [he pauses for a moment] No, that doesn’t sound right. It’s uh…