The Lost Girls

(opening theme song)

(at school)

Mr. O'Neill - Daria! You'll never guess who's waiting by the phone to hear from you!

Daria - That's why they took away my psychic hotline.

Mr. O'Neill - It's... oh, my gosh! This is much too public. Sorry, Jane, but I'm sworn to secrecy.

Jane - I'm sorry, your name again?

(in the teacher's lounge)

Mr. O'Neill - Okay, I'll tell you who we're calling. It's Val! You know, the Val. As in, "Val." (into phone) Val, please. This is Timothy O'Neill, Daria Morgendorffer's writing mentor. Of course I'll hold. (to Daria) Val is coming to Lawndale High to spend a whole day with you! Daria, haven't you heard of Val?

Daria - The only Val I can think of is the editor of that stupid teen magazine.

Mr. O'Neill - Yes! She loved your essay, "My So-Called Angst."

Daria - How did she see it?

Mr. O'Neill - I sent it to her and it won the "Spend a Day With Val" contest! (into phone) Hello, Val? Timothy O'Neill, Lawndale High. I have your star writer right here and she is dying to talk to you!

Daria - (into phone) Hello. Yes. No. It just isn't. I guess I can't stop you. See you then. Bye. (hangs up)

Mr. O'Neill - Remember, we have to keep this a secret. Val wants to come to Lawndale incognito. We won, Daria. We won! (hugs Daria)

Daria - Lawsuit.

Mr. O'Neill - Sorry! (quickly lets go)

(in the hallway)

Daria - "What TV's Hottest Hunks Really Think About Your Blackheads." She puts her name on this crap?

Jane - Quite a few times. "Val talks to today's brightest young stars about why they love Val." Isn't Val magazine published in New York City?

Daria - So...?

Jane - So wouldn't a trip to New York sweeten the pot?

Daria - But Val's coming here. I'm not going there.

Jane - Not yet, you're not.

Mr. Li - (over P.A.) Daria Morgendorffer, please report to the principal's office for a routine, ordinary conference. Oh, this is so exciting!

(in Ms. Li's office)

Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, do you have any idea how big an honor this is?

Daria - This whole thing was supposed to be a secret.

Ms. Li - Daria, think of a giant eyeball. That's the public eye. When the public eye is turned on our little corner of the universe, how do we want to look?

Daria - Blech.

Ms. Li - Blech?

Daria - Giant eyeballs. Creepy.

Ms. Li - Now, I have a few ideas on how we can make Val's visit here a special one.

Daria - School Colors Day? Are you trying to give the public eyeball conjunctivitis?

(at Daria's house)

SSW Announcer - Brought back from the grave by black magic, but no one taught them to cross at the green! The jaywalking dead, next on Sick, Sad World.

Jake - Hey, kiddo. What do you think?

Daria - (tastes chili) Chili con... cheese puffs?

Jake - I got the recipe from Val magazine. The mint was my addition. It's a fresh sprig!

Helen - Jake, what is that? (tastes chili) Cheese puffs?

Jake - It's the favorite of some guy named Matt.

Helen - Help me set the table before Val gets here.

Daria - We're eating in the dining room? We never eat in the dining room.

Quinn - "Spotlight: Lawndale Fashion Club - A Val Magazine Special Photo Spread." What do you think?

Daria - I think the world's gone mad. Mad, I tell you.

Quinn - This is our chance to be the next international style center.

Daria - Paris. New York. Milan. Lawndale.

Quinn - Before that, that grunge, Seattle was just another city in our nation's capital.

Daria - Wrong Washington.

Quinn - Yes, grunge was wrong, but you can't blame the whole state.

Daria - Welcome to Lawndale, where style meets substance and says, "see ya!"

(at the front door)

Helen - Val! Welcome to our home!

Val - Oh, my God, it's perfect! It's so real. I am so jiggy with my idea of spending a day with a typical heartland teen. And you! You must be my brilliant Daria.

Quinn - Actually, uh...

Daria - Over here, Val.

(in the dining room)

Val - And then I said, "Do you think it's easy being a wunderkind?" and Leo was like, "Yeah, I know," and we just sort of soul-bonded and head-clicked right away, and I gave Fiona my lyrics and she was like, "Val, you are so wise. I am so glad to know you," and Nonie and Drew said, "The magazine has to be you so everyone can know you like we do," and that's how I started Val. We're young, but wise; edgy, but full of heart... like me, Val!

Helen - That is fascinating!

Quinn - Speaking of "edgy," Val, I've got an idea for a fashion article. See...

Jake - "Edgy..." I keep hearing that word from my clients. Everyone wants "edgy." What is it?

Val - "Edgy" is going right up to the edge of the cliff and being able to see all the way down, and dancing anyway.

Jake - What the hell does that mean?

Helen - How do you like the chili, Val?

Val - It rocks! Are these cheese puffs?

Jake - I got the recipe from your magazine. Is it edgy?

Val - We only do edgy. That's what drew me to Daria's essay, "My So-Called Angst." I'm sure Daria can tell you all about edgy. She is it, and I mean "it" with a capital I-T.

Helen - Daria, you've barely said a word.

Val - Yeah, Daria, tell your dad what edgy is.

Daria - As far as I can make out, edgy occurs when middlebrow, middle-aged profiteers are looking to suck the energy -- not to mention the spending money -- out of the "youth culture." So they come up with this fake concept of seeming to be dangerous when every move they make is the result of market research and a corporate master plan.

Helen - Jake, honey, is this mint in here?

Jake - Yeah! Fresh sprig!

Val - I love this girl! Is she smart, or what? Where'd you sharpen that mind of yours, Daria? That's edgy!

Jake - What is?

(at the front door)

Helen - Are you sure you won't stay here tonight, Val? We were so looking forward to it!

Val - Thanks for the offer, but I thought since I'm in town I might as well check out the Grand Regency Hotel. It's four stars.

Daria - Wow, that is living life on the edge.

Helen - In town? That hotel is an hour away.

Val - My driver doesn't mind. See you tomorrow, girlfriend.

Quinn - Bye!

Helen - Bye, Val.

Jake - Bye, girlfriend.

(Val leaves)

Helen - She seems very nice. I think you'll have a great time together tomorrow.

Jake - What did you think, Quinn?

Quinn - Um, was she a little old for that outfit?

Daria - She's a little old for that brain.

Helen - Try not to be too negative, Daria.

Daria - I'm not being negative, I'm being edgy.

Jake - What is this word? What does it mean? Somebody explain it to me!

(doorbell chimes)

Val - Hi, girlfriend. I am, like, beyond psyched. This is going to be too much fun. Are you just so jiggy with this?

Daria - Oh, yeah.

(at school)

Val - Oh, no -- do you think all those people are there to see me?

Daria - That would be interesting, since no one knows you're here.

Reporter - Val! Meg Rosata, channel 4 news. Mind if we follow you around for a while?

Val - I'm sorry, but today I'm just a regular Lawndale High student. I don't know how you found out about this, but please, no cameras.

Reporter - But your office called to say you'd be here!

Val - Darn it! They must have misunderstood my "no publicity" edict. That is so wack! I'm sure you're more interested in my student escort, Daria.

Reporter - Val, how about a few words on your impressions of Lawndale so far?

Val - Lawndale rocks!

Reporter - That's great! (into camera) Lawndale High may be a typical American secondary school, but today is anything but typical...

Val - Being famous can be such a spiraling-down drag. I never wanted to give up my privacy, you know, Daria?

Daria - Sure, Val. That would be why you named your magazine "Val."

(in the hallway)

Val - So, I think our strategy should be we basically just hang, and I'll come up with some ear candy, and you'll write about your day with me, Val, and I'll write about Val's day with you, and we'll really get at the hidden heart of high school. Are you with?

Daria - Uh...

Jane - (walks past) New York, New York... it's a hell of a town.

Daria - Um, New York City must be very stimulating for a writer. All that culture and literary tradition?

Val - New York? Great parties. Hey, Daria, why is everyone wearing blue and yellow?

Daria - It's School Colors Day. Just a random event inspired by school spirit. It's got nothing to do with your visit, which, of course, is a huge secret.

Val - You should have told me! I want to fit in while I'm here. (dials phone)

Daria - Therein lies the difference between us.

Val - (into phone) George, I'm going to need a wardrobe change. Pull something yellow and blue and jiggy. I don't know -- call a courier or ask the concierge. (hangs up) I hope no one acts differently around me, but you'll let me know, right, Daria?

Brittany - Oh, there's Daria! Let's say hi to our buddy Daria.

Kevin - Daria? Our buddy?

Brittany - Kevin, we love Daria! Hi, you! Daria! It's me, your friend, Brittany.

Daria - Oh, gee, Brittany. I'm glad I ran into you. I've decided to try out for the cheerleading squad. Would you mind sponsoring me?

Brittany - Um... sure thing, Daria.

Daria - Nope, they're not acting differently at all. Hey, how come you're not wearing blue and yellow?

Brittany - It's School Colors Day, Daria!

Kevin - Yeah. We're not colorful enough for you?

Daria - It's my own fault for getting lured into conversation.

Brittany - Aren't you going to introduce us to your new friend?

Daria - Oh, she's, um, a friend.

Val - Oh, Daria, we might as well give it up. I'm just too recognizable. Okay, it's me, Val. Yes, the Val, as in Val.

Brittany - You're kidding! I love Val!

Kevin - You know each other?

Val - How about doing a cheer for America's coolest young women, my readers?

Brittany - Um, okay. Give me a "V"! Give me an "A"! Give me an "L"... gosh, that's short.

Val - Maybe I should write about cheerleading as the new yoga. Last year I did yoga as the new cheerleading, but I'm ready for a different spin. Pretty good for a 28-year-old, huh?

Daria - Twenty-eight?

Val - I know, I know. People still think I'm, like, 16. When Drew and I go out clubbing I'm always the one who gets carded.

Daria - These clubs -- are they very, very dark?

Val - Oh, it's so cool to be back in school!

(in Mr. O'Neill's class)

Mr. O'Neill - And so, in The Sound and the Fury, Faulkner give us a veritable kaleidoscope of P.O.V.s -- points of view. Of course, the title itself is from Shakespeare. Can anyone tell me which of the Bard's tragedies? Daria?

Daria - Macbeth.

Mr. O'Neill - That's right. The Scottish play! "Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then... is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury..." (chuckles) "... signifying nothing." Yes, Val.

Val - I'd be happy to take a few questions.

Mr. O'Neill - Oh. Okay, sure.

Brittany - Val, how'd you get started?

Val - Well, I was a bit like Daria. I wrote all the time. I was smart, I was cool...

Kevin - But Daria's not cool.

Val - Anyone who writes like that is cool in my book. And my book is called Val, on sale at your local newsstand. Next? Yes.

Jodie - Don't you think Val could try harder to present a multicultural, multi-ethnic, less brain-dead point of view to enlighten girls instead of just marketing to them?

Val - What's your name?

Jodie - Jodie.

Val - Jodie, you've got great sassy energy! Now let me turn it back on you. Pea green nail polish: edgy or icky? What do you guys think?

Daria - "Edgy" and "icky" are so hard to tell apart these days.

Val - Exactly! Wack!

Daria - Is there a duck in here?

(Jane raises her hand)

Val - You're on!

Jane - Wouldn't it be cool to have a real high school student research that topic in New York City?

Val - Interesting idea; I'll write it down.

Jane - And so the seed is planted.

Daria - Biology metaphor: icky.

Val - Now, who has a dating problem they'd like to discuss?

(Mr. O'Neill raises his hand)

(in the hallway)

Val - I was so good in there! I should be doing this on TV. I could have my own show.

Daria - I know, you can call it Val.

Val - Cool, Dar! I am so down with that. I better phone my agent. This being a typical high schooler for a day is so fun! (dials phone)

Daria - Mmm... although, real high schoolers don't call their agents until after lunch.

Sandi - Quinn, I'm confused. You said you had a close relationship with Val. So why is she hanging out with that girl who lives with you?

Quinn - Oh, don't worry about that, Sandi. Val happens to be doing a special unpopularity issue. Come on, let's go talk to her.

Val - (into phone) Yeah, I see it as a 9:00 show but there's some flexibility there; work something up. Oh, and make sure the networks know that I'm blonde now, okay? (hangs up) Who are you?

Daria - It's me, Val, Dar.

Val - Oh, I forgot where I was for a sec.

Quinn - Hi, Val. These are my fellow Fashion Club members.

Tiffany - Hi.

Sandi - How goes it?

Stacy - Hi.

Val - Finally, some popular people. Just kidding, Dar!

Quinn - Val, we've dressed to show the best of Lawndale chic. Note the simplicity, the bounciness, the overall cuteness.

Val - You guys aren't wearing yellow and blue.

Sandi - Um, Val? Sandi Griffin, Fashion Club president. If I may?

Val - Yes?

Sandi - Mixing primaries during daylight hours? Not done.

Val - It isn't? Um, excuse me. I'll be right back. (runs off)

Quinn - Oh...

(in the hallway)

Jane - So, you finally managed to shake Gidget, huh?

Daria - No one can survive an assault by the Fashion Club.

Val - (into phone) Doctorate, shmoctorate. Just tell them I won't accept the award unless Neve presents it to me, period. Yo, there's my girlfriend, got to go! Dar!

Jane - No one of our world, you mean.

(in the cafeteria)

Val - Do you think it's flighty to keep changing my outfit? Or is it one of the inalienable rights that come with being a teenage girl in the U.S. of A.?

Daria - Maybe it's just stupid.

Jane - No, it's fun -- like you, Val!

Val - Thanks. Don't you want to sit at the popular table?

Daria - You said to do what we normally do.

Val - So listen, Dar. I've been getting like, this vibe around here. Am I to understand that you're not popular at all?

Daria - That's right. I don't even have a clique.

Val - But you're... cool, right?

Jane - She's really cool. But think how much cooler she could be if she had a chance to soak up more of your mentorish energy. Like, in New York City.

Val - Hey, didn't you mention New York before?

Jane - I just think that to really flesh out this story, Daria should spend a day with you, in your environment, experiencing your exciting life from her typical teen perspective.

Daria - Really, Jane, that's all right. I think Val and I have hung out enough to last a lifetime.

Val - That's called soul bonding, Daria, but hold on. I think your only friend, Jane, is on to something. I like this dual P.O.V. Thing, don't you?

Daria - Just like The Sound and the Fury... especially The Fury.

Val - Exactly! It'll be Faulknerian and Shakespearean and mainly Valian. You'll hang out with me for one glorious day in your otherwise humdrum life!

Daria - Thanks, Jane.

Jane - At your service... Dar.

Ms. Li - (over P.A.) Daria Morgendorffer, please report to the principal's office immediately. And if, um, you happen to have anyone with you -- a guest or something -- of course they're welcome to come, too.

Val - Jiggy!

Daria - Oh.

(in Ms. Li's office)

Ms. Li - I just wanted to make sure your visit to Lawndale High has been everything you hoped it would be.

Val - This place rocks!

Ms. Li - Also, I was wondering... what's Garth Brooks really like?

Val - Don't know him -- but check out Skeet's underwear spread in my next issue. We're talking hot. How do you want yours signed?

Ms. Li - Oh, any old way. "To Angela Li. To my friend, Angela Li. To a good friend and a great educator, Angela Li."

Val - Cool. Daria, you're taking notes, right?

Ms. Li - Yes, Daria, this is an educational opportunity for you.

Daria - Oh, I'm learning quite a bit.

Val - (phone rings) Excuse me. (into phone) Go ahead, you got Val. Oh, hey, Nonie, honey. What? What? He what? With Gwynnie? That slut! Are you sure? No, of course you had to tell me. (hangs up)

Ms. Li - Everything all right?

Val - I am Val, as in Val. I am Val, as in Val. Fine... fine.

Ms. Li - Now, you'll note the school spirit evidenced by the blue and yellow outfits. Where does that school spirit come from, you say? In my years as an educator...

Val - I am Val, as in Val. I am Val, as in Val.

Ms. Li - Can I get you some water?

Val - Go ahead, I'm fine.

Ms. Li - In my years as an educator, I...

Val - I'll just be a sec. I need to make a phone call. (leaves)

Ms. Li - It's going very well, wouldn't you say?

Daria - We haven't actually come to blows yet.

Ms. Li - She does seem a bit high-strung. You know, Daria, the creative temperament can be a roller-coaster ride of tempestuous emotions. I remember my own brief career as a dancer...

Val - (offscreen) What do you mean she wants to have your baby?!

Ms. Li - As I was saying, as an aspiring young ballerina...

Val - (offscreen) You don't know how it happened? How do you think it happened, you ungrateful teen heartthrob cheese ball? A pitcherful of fuzzy navels and sunset on your freaking deck in Malibu! The same way it happened with me!

Daria - Um, you were saying?

Ms. Li - Yes, I, uh...

Val - (offscreen) You used me to get into Val magazine! I made you, and I can unmake you! You are neither hot nor a hunk, you soon-to-be has-been!

(in the teacher's lounge)

Val - So I said, "This is Val talking, not just some ordinary teen loser from Loserville."

Daria - Mmm.

Val - Anyway, I am through with famous guys. I'm sticking with fashion designers and studio heads, at least for the time being.

Daria - Mmm.

Val - Waterproof eye makeup is so important, Dar. And glitter -- I'm really into glitter these days. It makes everyone feel like a star. Are you getting this, Dar? Why don't you read me back your notes?

Daria - Okay. "What am I doing here? How am I going to get through this? Dear God, help me."

Val - Wow, you are so existential. But didn't you write down anything I said? (phone rings) Hang on. (into phone) You got Val, go. How can I not appeal to their demographic? They are so wack -- I am their demographic. They wouldn't know edgy if it bit them in the butt. Oh, confirm my hair color appointment and facial for tomorrow, would you? And work up a schedule for my girlfriend Dar's visit. Thanks for saving my life, helpmate. (hangs up) I'm zonked. Collaborating is hard, don't you think?

Daria - How would I know?

Val - Sorry about all those phone calls.

Daria - Oh, I think of it as being a witness to history. Anyway, it isn't every day your boyfriend dumps you for a starlet.

Val - I was not dumped! And I'm much more famous than that B-list pseudo-celebrity. Not that the suits who control the airwaves would know. Sometimes I feel like the whole adult world is against youth culture.

Daria - Except the adults making a nice, fat living off of it.

Val - What do you mean?

Daria - What do you mean? What do you mean pushing yourself as some kind of role model when all you care about is how you look and what celebrities you know? Aren't teenage girls screwed up enough without you foisting your shallow values on them and making their lousy self-images worse?

Val - Now look here, missy. I mean, what are you, Dar, a teacher? I am a role model! I'm in touch with the teen within.

Daria - Why don't you get in touch with the 30-something without? Your readers aren't going to be teenagers forever, unlike you. A real role model would be teaching them stuff they can use.

Val - 30-something?! You know, I came here to do an article on a smart girl who's cool, because smart is cool. But cool is cool, too, and smart that doesn't get cool isn't so smart, is it? You can forget about New York, Daria. You know, deep down you're nothing but a... a...

Daria - A brain?

Val - You almost made me say it! (leaves, then sticks head back in) I don't really look like I'm 30-something, do I?

(in the hallway)

Jane - So you're not going to write an article for Val. How's Mr. O'Neill taking it?

Daria - I think he understood after I handed in my essay about spending the day with a totally self-absorbed egomaniacal teen magazine editor doing the work of the devil.

Jodie - Hey, Daria, did you see the latest Val?

Jane - "My Day With D.: A disturbing true-life look at America's underground bummer culture." Wonder what this could be about.

Jodie - It gets worse.

Jane - "Recently, I spent an entire day hanging out with a disturbing girl I shall refer to only as 'D'." Hmm... "Unenthusiastic, unpopular, cynical, D. just doesn't understand how great it is to be a teen. In fact, she may be the anti-teen."

Jodie - I'm afraid everyone's going to know that's you, Daria.

Daria - Hey, I'm jiggy with it.

(closing credits)