Four Broke Kids

Jessie: Guys, I have something really important to tell you.

There's no easy way to say this.

Jessie, just tell us straight up.

We can handle it.

Okay, I just got off the phone with your parents.

They lost all their money.

(Screaming)

That was a bit too straight up.

(Sobbing)

By "lost all their money" do you mean they can't find the bank?

Because there's an app for that.

No, the IRS is claiming they owe millions of dollars in back taxes, so they froze all their money.

So when it thaws out, we get it back?

(Chuckles nervously) I'm afraid that's not how it works.

But, look, your parents are gonna figure this out.

So, everyone just stay calm because nothing's gonna happen right away.

(Elevator bell dings)

Oh. Oh, this is happening right away.

Luke: Wait, no, no, stop! Hey! Hey!

What do you think I am? A throw pillow with pigtails?

Bertram: Argh! You monsters!

They're taking Judy the juicer!

No!

No! (Sobbing)

Well, on the bright side, at least we won't have to drink any more of Bertram's kale smoothies.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ it feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ but they keep on pulling me every which way ♪ ♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ my whole world is changing turning around ♪ ♪ they got me going crazy yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪ ♪ but they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪ ♪ and I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪ hey Jessie ♪ ♪ hey Jessie ♪ ♪ it feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Um, so, I just got an e-mail from your parents in Istanbul...

The IRS canceled their credit cards, so they can't pay for their hotel, and they can't get tickets to fly home.

But they're okay.

How is any of that okay?

They're still a super cute couple?

Anyway, until your parents figure this out, we should pool our money.

I've got...

$12, someone else's library card, a set of dentures... Wait, this isn't my purse!

That explains why that old lady was yelling at us in the park.

We probably could have understood what she was saying had she had her teeth.

I probably shouldn't have maced her.

(Elevator bell dings)

Hey, guys, I got great building gossip.

A rich family in the building is broke, and all their stuff was repossessed!

(Clears throat)

Oh.

Thanks for the free meal, Tony.

Of course.

You can have free pizza from my family's restaurant every night until you guys get back on your feet.

Well, if we have pizza every night, we may not be able to get back on our feet.

Meanwhile, the rosses can't afford to pay me, so I have to get a second job to help out.

I wish I could give you a job here, but all we have is an opening for a handyman.

I'm handy.

Yeah, when Luke thought the toaster was broken, I fixed it.

Granted, I just had to plug it in, but...

Congratulations, you're hired. (Chuckles)

You can wear Jimmy's coveralls.

He just quit. Oh!

Ugh! (Coughs)

These smell like a septic tank exploded on 'em.

It did. That's why Jimmy quit.

Why are we eating on the floor?

This is where we spit up Bertram's terrible cooking!

Because I want to keep things as normal as possible.

Now, hand me that stick we're using as a fork.

Jessie, thank you for standing by us during these dark times.

Yeah, without you, we'd probably be afraid and hungry, wondering which part of Bertram to eat first.

(Bertram screams) Do you think he heard that?

Ahh! (Chuckles)

You know, Bertie, just once I'd love to hear, "hello, Rhoda, don't you look lovely today."

Feh! (Chuckles)

Until we meet again, my hunky wordsmith.

Mrs. Chesterfield, what are you doing in our apartment?

Looking for fresh blood for your afternoon tea?

Don't be silly, I don't drink tea.

And as of today, this place is mine.

Penthouse, Rhoda!

(All gasping)

(Chuckles)

(Elevator bell dings)

Hey, guys! More juicy building gossip.

Mrs. Chesterfield is paying cash for another apartment and kicking out the poor broke saps who own it, because they lost all their money!

(Clears throat)

Oh!

You ever heard the saying, "dumb as a doorman"?

Nope.

That's because I just made it up.

Wasn't it nice of Tony to give up his place for us?

We had to duck under police tape to get in here!

It's good exercise.

And besides, this place is not that bad.

(Banging)

(Woman screaming)

Then what was that?

That is someone who is screaming because they are so happy to live here.

(Screams) I'm happy to be here, too!

(Chuckles)

So, guys, I brought some stuff to remind you of home.

(Gasps) Is it money?

Uh, no.

Okay. Emma, here's the blouse I bought you for Christmas.

For some reason, it was stuffed behind a box on the floor of your closet.

Uh, gee.

I wonder how that happened.

Zuri, here's your cowboy hat signed by Miranda Lambert.

Thank you! I'll put it on the shelf.

Mmm.

Aw.

Oh!

Or I'll just wear it.

And, Ravi, here is your Neil Degrasse Tyson bobble head.

Thank you, Jessie.

I am your best friend, am I not, NDT?

I don't know who I'm sadder for, Ravi or the bobble head.

Anyways, I brought everything I need from home.

What? You took a picture of me for a calendar?

No.

I took 12 pictures of you for a calendar.

In march...

You're flossing.

And you ruined spring for me.

Okay, here's the deal.

The girls get the bed.

What? Why can't the boys get the bed?

Because I'm a girl, and I'm not sleeping on the toilet.

So, Luke, Ravi, who gets the hammock and who wants to sleep on the floor?

I shall take the hammock.

Ow!

I shall take the floor.

Zuri, are you okay?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Actually, I'm kinda worried.

Yeah, me too.

What's gonna happen to us?

Eventually Tony is going to want his place back.

He's already come by twice to water the mold.

Look, guys, we'll get through this, okay?

We just, we have to stick together.

Yes, we shall stick together like my cheek is stuck to this floor.

Seriously, does Tony ever clean this place?

Uh!

Now, we just have to make some money to live on.

But how?

Well, lots of kids do little odd jobs to make money for their families.

So we just have to find those kids and make 'em hand over that money!

No!

We're gonna earn it.

I could ask for some extra hours at the snack shack.

And maybe start treating the customers nicely, so I actually get tips.

There's a novel idea.

Meanwhile, let's get into our PJ's.

Where?

Great question. Let's just go to sleep.

(Locking door) Get tucked in...

Goodnight, guys.

(All screaming)

Bertram? How did you get in? I locked the door.

Yeah, I think it's still locked.

What are you doing here?

I thought Chesterfield said you could stay in your old room.

She did, but then she kept wanting to tuck me in.

(All shuddering)

Can I stay with you guys?

Only if you can sleep on a toilet.

Meh. I do it all the time, but I didn't bring any magazines.

So get one of your boring ex-boyfriend stories ready.

Hey, Emma, I thought I'd have my lunch break with you guys.

What can I get for a dollar and 29 cents?

This spork.

No, thanks. I'm on a low plastic diet.

So, how do you like being a handywoman?

Oh. Uh, well, you know that garbage chute that we used to love throwing gross stuff into?

That leads to my office.

Luke!

You don't take the customers' plates until after they're finished eating.

If I wait that long, the food will get cold.

Hey, guys.

To help out, I got a job as a bike messenger.

When did you learn to ride a bike?

Oh, I didn't.

It took me three hours to walk this thing seven blocks.

Everything must go, and no price is too low!

So get out your wallets, and hand me that dough!

Zuri, it's so nice to see you sacrificing for the family.

Hey! Wait, this is mine!

And these clothes are Luke's and Emma's!

What was I gonna do, sell Ravi's clothes?

Do you know what the resale is on used socks and sandals?

Hey, Zuri, the point is, none of this belongs to you.

Aren't you giving up anything of your own?

Yes, my afternoon!

At least I'm bringing in more cash than some people.

I won't name names.

Hey!

I put that in there!

Okay, three brushes, a spit, then move along, people.

And wash a dish while you're at it.

Ravi, I need to make the bed.

Uh, please, give me some privacy.

Why do you need privacy to floss?

Afraid Luke's gonna take a picture of you for his next calendar?

I never thought I would have to reveal this, but the truth is, I have shy gums!

I thought it was his bladder that was shy.

I thought it was...

That's enough!

Ravi, you and your socially awkward body parts need to move off the bed.

There is no "off the bed." The whole room is bed!

Hey, wait, where's Luke?

Oh!

Hey, wake up! Time to go to school.

Okay, but first I have to go to the bathroom.

No, no, no, no, no.

That is not happening.

Use the Bodega restroom like the rest of us.

But they always make me buy chips first, and I'm in a hurry!

Jessie, we can't live like this!

Guys, it's like your parents told you, they're trying to figure it out, but in the meantime, we have each other, and a roof over our heads.

Part of a roof.

Hello, Mrs. Polsky.

(Elevator bell dings)

Hurry up, Jimmy!

How hard can it be to shimmy up a shaft?

I'm trying to oil the cables, because you complained about an annoying noise.

I was referring to you. (Chuckles)

Do that later. I have a job for you.

(Chuckles)

Okay, I already told you, I'm not gonna whack anyone for you.

I want you to destroy this wall.

Start with the freckled one.

His creepy little eyes follow me everywhere.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

Look, before I demolish the only home these children have ever known, would you consider maybe letting them stay here?

Just until their parents get this all sorted out?

Mmm. Well, I certainly have the space...

But I'd rather have a nose job on a roller coaster than share anything with you.

Okay, I feel the need to point out I'm still holding a large mallet.

So, I asked Mrs. Chesterfield if we could stay in our old penthouse.

Did she say yes?

Nope. Apparently, she would rather get plastic surgery from a carny.

Hey, I finally made some cash.

Someone actually tipped you?

Nope. A lady gave me a dollar to stop burping and go away.

Years of smelling your salami burps, and all I had to do was hit you with a wadded up single?

Hey, guys.

Hey, Zuri, how are sales?

Well, the bad news is, no one wants your stuff.

The other bad news is, apparently, you need a permit to sell things in the park.

Wait.

Zuri, this is a $700 ticket!

Yeah, I may have mouthed off a little.

Guys, we're going in the wrong direction.

If it weren't for Luke's obnoxious burping, we'd have nothing.

Ugh! This totes stinks!

It seems like the only person happy about our situation is Mrs. Chesterfield.

I can't believe how fast she swooped in and took our place.

Yes, it is almost as if she had prior knowledge of our financial downfall.

Wait, are you thinking what I am thinking?

You should switch hair conditioners?

No!

Well, you really should.

Wait, Ravi, are you saying you think Mrs. Chesterfield had something to do with your parents losing all their money?

It is possible. And if she is guilty, every criminal leaves clues, like incriminating e-mails.

So, if we can just get our hands on her laptop, we may be able to prove what she did.

I'd love to see Chesterfield in prison.

That's mean!

What did those prisoners ever do to you?

Why does Mrs. Chesterfield have a net in the middle of the living room?

To catch her prey before she sucks the life out of 'em.

Okay, let's split up and look for that laptop.

We need that evidence. Boys...

Where do you think she keeps her laptop?

Probably in the coffin she sleeps in.

Mrs. Chesterfield: Oh, Zeusie.

Run!

(Sniffs)

Ugh!

They've been gone a week and yet the scent of children still lingers.

I should have this place tented.

Luke, did you find Mrs. Chesterfield's laptop?

My room...

She painted it pink.

Everything pink.

So girly...

Luke! We don't have time for this.

Spit, scratch yourself, and snap out of it!

That cobra in a feathered hat has turned my room into Zeus's play room!

There's a bone shaped seesaw, and a giant chew toy that looks remarkably like you, Jessie.

(Cell phone chimes)

It's a text from Emma. (Gasps)

Mrs. Chesterfield is here!

I thought I felt an evil chill. Let's go.

Luke, where are you going?

To get that chew toy.

Oh, come on.

Oh, Zeusie! Isn't this exhilarating? (Giggles)

I haven't felt this alive since I found out my third husband was dead!

(Barking)

Zeusie, stop barking and pay attention to mommy.

I have a new trick.

Well, that's rude.

When you learn a new trick, I give you a treat!

Zuri: Scram, Zeus.

Ah!

I think that's enough for today.

Trap-easy does it.

(Whimpers)

(Elevator bell dings)

(Gasps)

Oh, my... oh, my!

I have a package for you, Rhoda.

Oh, where do I sign?

And what a delightful coincidence that you're the one delivering it to me.

This is the tenth thing you've had me deliver to you.

And by the way, it was really fun carrying that gigantic net on my bicycle.

(Chuckles)

Oh, it's my laptop. I was having it repaired.

Grab that bag!

Oh!

Got her!

No, not that bag! The one with the computer in it!

Oh, yeah. Honest mistake.

Ack!

What are you poorhouse ragamuffins doing here?

We're here for that computer.

Good gracious, there are more of them!

Zeus, call the exterminator.

We know you are responsible for Mr. Daddy and Mrs. Mommy losing their money.

That is ridiculous.

Fine, take my computer. I have nothing to hide.

That outfit says otherwise.

What is your password?

"Rhoda and Bertram sitting in a tree."

P-u-k-i-n-g.

Ravi, could you change that password while you're in there?

We know you've always wanted this penthouse.

So you finally did something about it.

Oh, don't be silly. Ravi, hurry up!

I don't know what makes me angrier, that you got us thrown out of our apartment, or that you know his name and not mine.

I just want you all out of here.

If I wanted to look at poor kids, I'd go see Annie.

I am afraid I have yet to find anything incriminating.

But someone spends way too much time looking for cheap Botox.

Just admit it, you did something to make our parents lose all their money.

You're a bad lady. And a big poopy head!

Language, zippy!

Look, I know we've never gotten along, but I swear, I had nothing to do with your misfortune.

Please believe me.

All right. You know what, Mrs. Chesterfield, I believe you.

But you can see why...

Yes, of course.

Now get out.

Well, okay.

Order up!

You know, working together as a family is kind of fun.

Especially since I don't have to clean out the rat traps anymore.

(Croaking)

Way to pull your weight, Mrs. K.

Yes, it certainly beats being a human robot.

Some ruffians tried to strip me for parts.

Guys! Great news! Your dad just called.

He said you got all of your money back.

(All cheering)

Wait, what happened?

Well, the government made a mistake.

They got the wrong Ross family.

Stupid government!

I blame congressional gridlock.

Anyway, I want to tell you guys I am really proud of you.

You all chipped in, you worked hard...

Ravi, you learned how to sleep in a sink.

It was not so bad, once Luke stopped turning on the garbage disposal.

And you all took care of each other while I was working as a handyman.

By the way, don't take the elevator for a while.

Thank you, Jessie, for being there for us.

Even though you weren't getting paid.

Mmm. Of course, I love you kids.

Besides, money isn't what's important.

What's important is being there for each other as a family.

Hey, there's Bertram!

Let's tell him the good news.

And get him out of those bike shorts asap.

Can't stop this thing!

Bertram, watch out for... (Crashing)

(All groaning)

(Material tearing)

And the shorts ripped.

Mrs. Chesterfield, you have to leave!

Or at least put on some pants.

No!

I can't believe you're kicking me out of my beloved home.

It's our home.

And you shouldn't have sold your place before the deal closed on this one.

Oh, well thanks for the Monday morning quarterbacking, jazzy.

Zeus, bite the mean people!

Traitor!

Won't you all please take pity on a poor twenty-something...

(Both chuckle) Don't say it!

With nowhere to go.

I'll tell you where to go...

Zippy!

I was gonna say a hotel.

Well, actually, I can't afford a hotel.

Due to some stupid clerical error, all my assets have been frozen.

Just like her face.

(Chuckles)

Um...

Hey, Ravi, did you have anything to do with Mrs. Chesterfield's financial difficulties?

Duh!

When I was looking at her computer, I noticed some illegal deductions, and I alerted the authorities.

When it comes to tattle tale-ing, I say, "go big or go home!"

Ravi, that is...

Awesome!

Aw!

Don't worry, Mrs. Chesterfield.

I know a nice, cozy place you can stay.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

I can't stay here.

It's revolting, and you obviously have termites.

(Siren wailing) Tony: No, no.

Those are bullet holes.

Mrs. Chesterfield, what do you say to Tony for lending you his apartment?

Yuck!

All right. Sweet dreams.

(Screams)