Wishing You Well

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Wishing You Well" from season four, which aired on June 2, 2006.

Plot
{{L|SpongeBob|♪...you can throw all your dreams down the well. Although everyday the pain grows you ride unicorns on rainbows, if you throw all your dreams down the well. When your life's come apart at the seams and you've given up all your dreams, here is just the means to make those dreams come true. No more suffering, no more sighin', no more pain and no more cryin'.♪
 * Mr. Krabs: [walks up to a pay phone to check if there is any money in it but there is none] Nothing. Oh well. [hears something in the distance] That sounds like a quarter crying for help. [a quarter rolls in front of Mr Krabs] Come to papa!
 * Mom Fish: Hold it right there, buddy. My son just dropped that quarter.
 * Mr. Krabs: Yeah? Well that kid looks pretty shifty to me. How do I know he didn't steal it? [lady hits him in the face with her purse] Hey! That little brat is throwing perfectly good money away! Oh, so if I can't have it, no one... [gets hit in the face with the purse again] I hope he throws all your retirement money down a hole. [walks over to the well] Poor little quarter. What the...? This well is full of money! Don't worry little fellas, I'll save ya! [tries to climb in the well but is too big] Oh, it's no use. Me poop deck's too big.
 * Lady Fish: Make a wish, dear.
 * Harold: All my wishes have already come true.
 * Lady Fish: Oh you. [tosses the coin at the well]
 * Mr. Krabs: Noo!! [jumps at the coin] I'll save ya, money! [grabs the coin] Gotcha. What do you heartless brutes think you're doing?
 * Harold: Umm, using the wishing well.
 * Lady Fish: You toss in a coin and make a wish.
 * Mr. Krabs: And then what?
 * Harold: And...that's it. Nothing else happens.
 * Lady Fish: It's fun!
 * Mr. Krabs: You mean suckers throw in money down a hole for fun? That's the greatest scam ever.
 * Harold: Can we have our quarter back now? [scene cuts to Krusty Krab]
 * Squidward: SpongeBob, why aren't those patties ready?
 * SpongeBob: You can't rush perfection.
 * Squidward: I'm not rushing perfection. I'm rushing you.
 * SpongeBob: [laughs] Always the kidder, Squidward.
 * Squidward: Oh, this job stinks! But at least I'm not digging ditches.
 * Mr. Krabs: [enters Krusty Krab] Squidward, SpongeBob, I got a new job for ya. [scene cuts to outside Krusty Krab where there is a red X on the ground] X marks the spot of the Eugene Krabs Memorial Wishing Well
 * SpongeBob: A wishing well, here? Wow!
 * Squidward: Don't you have to be dead to have a memorial anything?
 * Mr. Krabs: Oh, Squidward, don't you believe in magic? [walks off]
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, Squidward, don't you believe in magic?
 * Squidward: No, I don't, and neither does Mr Krabs.
 * SpongeBob: Well, I do. This well's gonna make a lot of dreams come true. [starts digging] What's the first thing you're gonna wish for?
 * Squidward: To be far away from you as possible. C'mon, SpongeBob, this hole's not gonna dig itself. And I'm certainly not gonna do it.
 * SpongeBob: Squidward, aren't you excited? This is really gonna help people. ♪Take a penny and some magic, even though your life is tragic...♪
 * Squidward: Hey!
 * Squidward: I'm not cryin'! [SpongeBob hits him with wand] Ow. Ow.
 * SpongeBob: ♪When you throw all your dreams down the well.♪ [puts an "open" sign in front of the well] Well, Squidward, what do you think?
 * Squidward: That was the worst song I ever heard. But at least this stupid well's finished.
 * Mr. Krabs: It's beautiful. [takes a whiff of the air] You smell that boys? That's the smell of money.
 * SpongeBob: You mean magic, don't ya?
 * Squidward: All I can smell is that dumpster. [scene pans over to a dumpster behind Squidward]
 * Mr. Krabs: All right, Squidward, you can go back to the register.
 * Squidward: As long as there's no singing.
 * SpongeBob: And I've got a date with a krabby patty.
 * Mr. Krabs: Hold on there, SpongeBob. Let me show you your new station. It's kind of a promotion. Sorta.
 * SpongeBob: A Promotion? [scene cuts to SpongeBob being lowered in the well by a bucket] Why do I have to go down in the well?
 * Mr. Krabs: To collect the money!
 * SpongeBob: How long do I have to stay down here?
 * Mr. Krabs: See ya in 8 hours.
 * SpongeBob: Thanks for the promotion. It sure is dark and scary down here. [a coin hits SpongeBob in the head]
 * Sandy: I sure wish I had a fancy telescope. One that works underwater. That'd make me happier than a junebug at a porch light sale.
 * SpongeBob: Our very first wish! I can't wait till it comes... [another coin hits SpongeBob in the head]
 * Plankton: I have presented you with a monetary offering as custom dictates. My wish, nay my command, is to be taller. Just a little? Just big enough to crush my enemies, like the vermin they are!
 * SpongeBob: Gosh... [another coin hits SpongeBob in the head] Ow!
 * Mrs. Puff: I wish I had a snazzy new boat. I wanna be a hot ridin' momma. [SpongeBob gasps. Patrick walks up to the well drinking a soda and throws it down the well when he is finished]
 * SpongeBob: Hey!
 * Patrick: Oh my gosh. Who said that?
 * SpongeBob: Patrick!
 * Patrick: How do you know my name?
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, this is a wishing well. Just throw in a coin and make a wish.
 * Patrick: Ok, magical talking trashcan. [takes out a coin from his pocket] I wish SpongeBob were here to see this. [throws himself and the coin down the well]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick.
 * Patrick: [lands on top of SpongeBob] Hi, SpongeBob! I got my wish.
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, you're suppose to let go of the coin when you throw it.
 * Patrick: But I got my wish.
 * SpongeBob: Well, we've got 6½ hours till the end of my shift. What do you want to do now?
 * Patrick: [pokes SpongeBob] Tag, you're it.
 * SpongeBob: [pokes Patrick] Tag, you're it.
 * Patrick: [pokes SpongeBob] Tag, you're it.
 * SpongeBob: [pokes Patrick] Tag, you're it. [day turns into night]
 * Patrick: [pokes SpongeBob] Tag, you're it.
 * SpongeBob: [pokes Patrick] Tag, you're it.
 * Patrick: [pokes SpongeBob] Tag, you're it.
 * SpongeBob: [pokes Patrick] Tag, you're it.
 * Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what kind of haul did you get?
 * SpongeBob: I did great, Mr Krabs. I got a nickel from Sandy, 2 pennies from Mrs. Puff, a penny from Plankton... [Patrick smiles big] ...and this slightly used pair of dentures.
 * Patrick: And I fell on my head.
 * Mr. Krabs: Well, I could probably get a couple of bucks for Patrick. Nah. You better just hand up the money. [sends the bucket down]
 * SpongeBob: This wishing well was a wonderful idea, Mr. Krabs. Has anyone's wish come true, yet?
 * Mr. Krabs: Uhh, not yet. But I'm sure if you believe strong enough, and dug deep enough, everyone’s wishes will come true.
 * SpongeBob: Really?
 * Mr. Krabs: Yeah, sure, whatever.
 * SpongeBob: Can we come out now?
 * Mr. Krabs: Goodness, no. You gotta stay down there just in case any late-night wishers come by. I'll be back for ya at dawn. [leaves]
 * SpongeBob: Aww, no one's wishes are coming true. What did we do wrong? I know I believe hard enough. Maybe I just didn't dig deep enough. What do you say, Patrick? Are you ready to dig for some magic?
 * Patrick: Yeah.
 * SpongeBob: ♪Oh, the magic has gone missin' and everyone's still wishin' but their dreams have fallen flat upon the ground. You'll find magic under rubble so, Patrick, grab a shovel and here is where the magic can be found. We're at the bottom of a well but man won't it be swell, when we make everyone’s wishes all come true.♪ [digs a hole and something yellow glows from the hole] Holy mackerel, look Patrick! We've struck magic.
 * Patrick: Is that good?
 * SpongeBob: Next to being a fry cook, it's the most important thing I've ever done.
 * Patrick: It's the only thing I've ever done.
 * Squidward: Having fun down there, SpongeBob? [laughs]
 * Patrick: Hi, Squidward.
 * Squidward: Patrick's down there, too? It just gets better and better.
 * SpongeBob: Do you wanna make a wish?
 * Squidward: [laughs] I got my wish. You two are stuck in a dark hole and away from me.
 * SpongeBob: Guess what, Squidward? We found the magic.
 * Squidward: [laughs] There's no magic, SpongeBob. Wishing well's are just a scam to fool saps like you. [laughs]
 * SpongeBob: No, it's true! We did find the magic. Oh, I wish you could see it. [Squidward falls down the well landing on SpongeBob and Patrick] Squidward! You decided to join the party.
 * Patrick: Party!
 * Squidward: Let me out of here.
 * SpongeBob: We were just gonna play some party games.
 * Patrick: [pokes Squidward] Tag, you're it.
 * SpongeBob: [pokes Squidward] Tag, you're it.
 * Patrick: [pokes Squidward] Tag, you're it.
 * Squidward: I gotta get out of here. [tries to climb out of the well]
 * SpongeBob & Patrick: Go Squidward! Go Squidward! [he falls]
 * Squidward: There's not way to climb out of here.
 * SpongeBob: Maybe if you had more upper arm strength.
 * Patrick: Yeah, you should work out more.
 * Squidward: Well, why don't I just start right now? After all, I got a couple of dumbbells right here. [laughs]
 * Patrick: I don't get it.
 * Squidward: Could you not stand so close? You're making me claustrophobic.
 * Patrick: What does claustrophobic mean?
 * SpongeBob: It means he's afraid of Santa Claus.
 * Squidward: No, it doesn't.
 * Patrick: Ho, ho, ho! [giggles]
 * SpongeBob: Stop it, Patrick, you're scaring him!
 * Patrick: Ho, ho, ho!
 * Squidward: It's not working, Patrick.
 * Patrick: Darn.
 * SpongeBob: Umm, Squidward, you're standing on my foot.
 * Squidward: Oh, sorry, SpongeBob.
 * Patrick: [holding a plate of ribs] And you got your elbow in my ribs.
 * Squidward: Eww. Patrick!
 * Patrick: [shoves Squidward] And stop stepping in my potato salad.
 * SpongeBob: Hey, hey, hey, guys.
 * Squidward: [shoves Patrick] Stop pushing me, Patrick.
 * Patrick: Oh, you mean like this? [shoves Squidward]
 * Squidward: No, like this! [shoves Patrick]
 * SpongeBob: [both Patrick and Squidward are fighting] You shouldn't fight in here. This is a magical place. [scene zooms to outside the well]
 * Squidward: Patrick, get off of me. [scene zooms back into the well where Patrick is sitting on Squidward] I told you I am claustrophobic.
 * Patrick: Nice try, Squidward, but there's no Santa Claus here.
 * Squidward: Patrick!! [scene cuts to daytime where Mr. Krabs returns to the well]
 * Mr. Krabs: Good morning, SpongeBob! Let's see what ya got. [raises the bucket] Boy, it's heavy. Must be a lot of money. [Squidward comes out of the well]
 * Squidward: Free. I'm free!
 * Mr. Krabs: Squidward? What were you doing down there? I didn't approve of the overtime. Or were you sneaking here in the dead of night for free wishes?
 * Squidward: The only thing I wish for is to be far away from here. [gets hit by a bus that is traveling to 'very very far away'] Ow.
 * SpongeBob: Bye, Squidward. Enjoy your trip!
 * Patrick: Lucky. [walks off]
 * Mr. Krabs: So how much money did you make last night?
 * SpongeBob: We didn't get any money. But we found something better. We found the magic.
 * Mr. Krabs: The what?
 * SpongeBob: We dug down deeper in the well and found the magic. Now all the wishes will come true!
 * Mr. Krabs: Listen closely, SpongeBob. You don't get what you want in life just by wishing for it. [a big telescope with an eye looking out of it appears. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob scream] What in the deep blue is that?
 * Sandy: There's a full moon out tonight. Do you like my new telescope I wished for?
 * SpongeBob: That's great, Sandy!
 * Sandy: That wishing well sure does work.
 * Mr. Krabs: Just a coincidence. [Mrs. Puff drives up in a new boat]
 * Mrs. Puff: What do you think of my new hot rod?
 * SpongeBob: It's beautiful, Mrs. Puff. How's about letting me take it for a spin? [both laugh]
 * Mrs. Puff: No. [drives off]
 * SpongeBob: See, Mr. Krabs? She wished for that boat.
 * Mr. Krabs: You mean she stole that boat.
 * Plankton: [walks up gigantically tall] Morning, SpongeBob. Krabs. Beautiful day. [laughs and runs over to the buildings and knocks them over]
 * SpongeBob: Is that proof enough for ya?
 * Mr. Krabs: You'll never get me to believe in magic, never! Just to prove it to ya. [walks over to the well] I'll demonstrate. I wish...I was steamed and served with a side of melted butter. [lets go of the penny and laughs]
 * SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! No!!
 * Mr. Krabs: Well, where's your magic now? [vanishes in thin air and appears as a real crab on a plate] Oh, where am I? What's going on here? [person sits down and puts on an eating bib that says "THE END" on it] Uh-oh. I do believe in magic. I do believe in magic. I do believe in magic. Oh-no!!