Breaking Up with the Boss' Son

Jonesy: [in a football helmet] "Alright boys. There's seconds on the clock. Davis just pulled a hammy and Cooper just peed his pants. Let's put the women and children to bed, and go looking for supper. TWENTY-FOUR! SIXTEEN! HUT HUT–" [He snaps a football into a stack of tennis ball cans.] "WHOA HO HO HO!" Jen: "Jonesy!" Jonesy: "Hey." Jen: [trying to push him out of the store] "What are you doing? Get out get out get out!" Jonesy: "Hey! Watch who you're barking at! I'm a paying customer. I happen to be shopping for a football." Jen: "Oh, really? Okay c'mon, I'll ring you up." [She leads him to the counter.] "Sorry. We've got these sales quotas here, and I'm kind of behind. Plus, the only cute guy who worked here quit yesterday. Now it's just me and the Crusher." The Crusher: [crushing a can against his head] "Nyeaah! Na! Na! Woo!" [He attacks a mannequin.] Jen: "He's an enforcer." [ringing Jonesy up] "That'll be $32.60." Jonesy: "What? Do I look like I'm made of money?" Cute Guy: "Excuse me?" Jen: [giggling] "You're excused." [hopping the counter] "Can I kiss you? Aah! Help you?" Jonesy: "Hey! You were helping me!" Jen: [shoving Jonesy away] "If you screw this up for me, I will so make you pay." [shaking the cute guy's hand] "So, I get off work at five." Cute Guy: "Yeah, me too. I'm Cory, the new sales associate here." Jen: [gasping] "Oh that's great! I'll show you around." Coach Halder: "Masterson! You've let down your defense. Jockstraps need reorganizing, aisle nine! Pronto! And don't forget to restock the extra-large ones this time!" Jen: "Right away, Coach. Excuse me." [muttering to herself] "I hate my boss." Jonesy: [offscreen] "Yo, long bomb!" [It hits Cory in the stomach hard.] Cory: "Oof!" Jonesy: "Touchdown!"

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Breaking Up with the Boss' Son''

[Jen carries some shoeboxes to the checkout counter and sets them down.] Jen: [to Cory] "The first thing you should know is the boss is a bonehead. We're talking first-class moron." Coach Halder: [coming over, having missed Jen's statement] "Ah! There you are, Masterson. I see you've found our newest employee." Jen: "Definitely." Coach Halder: "Cory here's following in my footsteps, and I couldn't be prouder! Isn't that right, son?" [Jen gasps.] Cory: "You got it, Dad." [Coach Halder walks on.] Jen: "The coach is your father?" ''[Cory nods. Jonesy walks past with some skates.]'' Jonesy: [fake coughing] "Way to go." Jen: "Oh. When I said bonehead, I meant it in a really good way?"

[The gang are gathered around the table.] Jen: [venting] "How can the most perfect guy in the universe be Coach Halder's son?" Jonesy: "He's not that great. I could take him." Jen: "Can you imagine kissing somebody related to the coach? If I went over to his house to watch a movie, I'd be at the coach's house!" Wyatt: "You've got a lot to say for someone whose dad wears white track pants." Jen: "My dad only wore those out of the house once! You guys just all happened to...be there..." Jude: "I dug that outfit, man." Jen: "Well what do you think, Nikki?" Nikki: "Personally, I've had it with slobbery high-school guys, but that's obviously just me." [She looks at Jason and Joanie.] Jen: "He is really cute..." [coming to a decision] "What the heck! What's the worst that can happen?" [Jason and Joanie fall over.] "Thanks guys!"

[Jude tests the microphone at Stick It and then leans over to speak into it.] Jude: "Listen up, dudes, we're having a new contest. Choose the next food on a stick and win a prize!" Stanley: "I bet the prize sucks." Jude: "Nuh-uh. You could win, uh, a lifetime supply, of...free Stick-Its." Stanley: "You're not allowed to give prizes like that." Jude: "I'm the manager, I can do whatever I want." Stanley: "Okay. How about–hot dogs on a stick?" Jude: "Whoa. That's good." [pulling out a box] "Put your entry in the box, and I think you have a chance, little man." [Stanley shoves his hot dog into the slot and runs off, laughing.]

[Jonesy and Wyatt are in Stereo Shack.] Jonesy: "Hurry up, I can't be seen in this dweeb hangout!" Wyatt: "I just need an adapter so my MP3 player can read e-books." Jonesy: "Do you have any idea how uncool that sounded? There aren't even any hot chicks here." ''[A nerdy girl gasps. She then unties her ponytail and stands up straight, instantly becoming hot.]'' Hot Nerd Girl: "Jerk." Jonesy: [gasping] "Man! The one time!" Darth: [upset] "Thanks! She was about to buy a new positronic calculator! I've got my eye on you." [Darth swishes his cape and backs away, watching them.] Jonesy: "That guy gives me the creeps." Wyatt: "Aw, Darth's okay." [He finds his adapter.] "Found it!" Jonesy: "Darth's okay? You say that like you know him." Wyatt: "I was in audio-visual club with him a couple years ago." Jonesy: "Can you even spell cool anymore?" ''[Jonesy looks over and smiles. Darth is being bullied by Blade and Christo.]'' Christo: [laughing] "Look, man, he's wearing a cape!" Darth: "Laugh all you want. I control who gets discount cards." Blade: [slapping the cards out of Darth's hand] "Ha!" [catching them] "Not anymore you don't! Geek!" Jonesy: [to Wyatt] "Now that's funny." ''[Jonesy spots some lightsabers. He picks one up, powers it on, and begins to breathe heavily.]'' Jonesy: [imitating Darth Vader] "Wyatt. I am your father." Wyatt: "Jonesy. Look, don't touch, remember?" Jonesy: "Dude, would you relax? It's just a stupid toy?" [He puts the stupid toy through a speaker.] Darth: [grabbing the lightsaber] "Okay. Option one: you pay a hundred bucks for the speaker. Option two: I call mall security." ''[Jonesy empties his pockets. All that comes out are a coin and a button.]'' Darth: "Gee, a nickel and a button?" Jonesy: "Yeah, but that's a rare antique button." Darth: "Yep, mall security it is." Wyatt: [stopping him] "Darth, buddy. I think I have a better idea."

[Jonesy is dressed in the official Stereo Shack uniform.] Jonesy: "Who's the doofus that picked these shirts for the store uniform?" Darth: "Uh, that would be me? But feel free to add a personal touch. Maybe a cape!" Jonesy: "As they say in Russia, 'Fat chance, Igor!'" [to Wyatt] "I can't believe you got me working here." Wyatt: "It's just until you pay off the equipment. Have fun with it!" [He leaves.] Darth: "Shall we start you off with a lightsaber? All of my employees are trained Jedis." ''[Jonesy takes it and pops it out. It extends barely two feet.]'' Jonesy: "Well I don't want this one! It's small!" Darth: [suddenly angry] "SILENCE APPRENTICE!!! You don't remember me?" Jonesy: "Nope. Can't say I do." Darth: "Atomic wedgies ring a bell?" Jonesy: "Hmm..." Darth: "How about pantsing me in front of the whole sixth grade?" Jonesy: [chuckling] "That was you? Man! That wedgie must have hurt! We pulled it over your shoulders!" Darth: "Yes, but now you're mine. Yes, MINE! YES MINE HA HOOOO CHA CH–" [He begins to cough uncontrollably and has to take a few drags from his asthma inhaler.]

''[Cory is behind the counter at the Penalty Box. Jen comes up to him.]'' Jen: "Cory! Uh, hi. I wanted to ask you something." Cory: "Shoot." Jen: "Uh, this is hard. Okay, I was wondering if, like, maybe, since you like to eat and I like to eat, if you wanted to we could kinda like–" Cory: "Are you asking me out?" [Jen nods.] "Cool. How's tonight?" Jen: "Really? I mean great. Great. Cool." [Cory's phone beeps.] Cory: "Look at that! Coffee break already." [hustling off] "See you after work." Jen: [after he leaves] "That was so easy!"

[Ron walks by the Stereo Shack.] Ron: "Yo." [Inside, Jonesy is bored.] Jonesy: "This blows! We haven't seen a customer in two hours!" Darth: "Of course not. Everyone's at the astronomy convention today?" Jonesy: "Yeah. Everyone who's a loser." Darth: [putting on his helmet and powering up his lightsaber] "A Jedi Master must take advantage of slow economic activity to hone his fighting skills." [He practices with the sword.] Jonesy: "You've never kissed a chick, have you?" Darth: "Do not mock what you can't understand, young Padawan." [He uses the sword to knock Jonesy's drink out of his hand.] "Mastering the lightsaber is more difficult than it appears." Jonesy: "I'm the top scorer on the varsity hockey team. I think I can handle a toy sword." [He pops it out and is swiftly attacked by Darth.] "Huh?" Darth: "Prove it." ''[Jonesy and Darth start to battle. Darth plays a mainly defensive role, simply blocking all of Jonesy's attempts. Annoyed, Jonesy decides to play unfairly, and karate-chops Darth's helmet so it swings around, blinding him.]'' Jonesy: "Ah-ha-ha! I rule!" ''[Darth spins his helmet so he can see and rushes Jonesy. He smacks Jonesy's lightsaber away with one swoop and then gives the jock a wedgie. Jonesy falls down, defeated.]'' Darth: "Ah, you begin to understand the error of your ways." Jonesy: "I can't believe I got my butt whipped by a nerd! Good thing no one cool was here to see it." Darth: "Oh, so you wouldn't want the security tape released then?" Jonesy: "Security tape?" [He spots the camera.] "Ugh!" Darth: [replaying it on a widescreen TV] "Don't worry. I'll keep the video safe as long as you do what I say." Jonesy: "So what you're saying is I'm screwed." Darth: [cheerful] "Like a lightbulb!"

[Jen and Cory are at El Sporto's.] Cory: "...and so, that's how I got the MVP award in the 9th grade." Jen: "Wow. You've really been–" Cory: [watching the game] "Offside?!? Aw come on! Give the ref some glasses! Man." Jen: "Uh...right. So, as I was saying, I won–" Cory: "Sorry babe, just two minutes left in overtime. Shoot it! Shoot the puck!" [Jen sighs.]

''[The date has moved to the arcade. Cory is playing while Jen stands by idly.]'' Jen: "Are you almost finished?" Cory: "Hold on, babe. I'm in the middle of the 4th here? You're having fun, right?" Jen: "Yeah, sure." Cory: "So uh, let's do a movie tomorrow. I was thinking Manly Fighters 2." Jen: "Never heard of it." Cory: "Lots of fighting and heads exploding? You'll love it! Now take over for me so I can get something to drink." Jen: "Oh, um, I'm not very good at this game." Cory: "C'mon, Masterson, where's your team spirit? And remember, it's not how you play the game, it's whether you win. Now push those buttons! Move, move, move!" ''[He leaves to get something to drink. Jen's phone rings.]'' Jen: [picking up] "Hello?" Caitlin: "It's me! How's your date going?" Jen: "That's easy. It's the worst date I've been on in my life."

[The gang are gathered around the table.] Jen: [venting] "We have nothing in common, he doesn't listen to me, and he's bossier than Coach Halder. And he's already asked me out again! I didn't know how to say no!" Caitlin: "Wow. I'm so glad I'm not you right now." Jen: "So I guess I just tell Cory we're not going out again." Wyatt: "Whoa whoa whoa, you can't just dump him." Jen: "Why not?" Wyatt: "Guys have fragile egos, and this guy's your boss's son." Nikki: "Wyatt's right. If he's a jerk, he could probably get his dad to fire you." Jen: "Oh no. You're right! I'm stuck with a jerk for all eternity!" Jude: "Hey, eternity is just a state of mind." Caitlin: "Well if Jen can't break up with Cory, why can't she get Cory to break up with her instead?" Wyatt: "Hello, because he likes her?" Caitlin: "Sure, he does now. But not when she becomes a psycho girlfriend and makes his life miserable." Nikki: "That's so diabolical it just might work." Jen: "Thanks, Caitlin!" Nikki: "It's amazing. You look so sweet, and yet it's like there's this inner cow that's just dying to get out. I like it." Caitlin: "Thanks! You're a total cow too!" [Nikki looks at her oddly, unsure as to whether she's been insulted or complimented.]

[The gang, with the exception of Jonesy, is walking Jen to the Penalty Box.] Caitlin: "Now remember, the goal is to turn him off so much that he can't wait to dump you." Jen: "How do I do that?" Caitlin: "Mmm...I don't know." Nikki: "Beats me." Jen: "Come on, guys! I need you here!" Wyatt: "Ahem. Why don't you find out what guys really hate from the experts?" Nikki: "We don't know any." Wyatt: "I'm talking about us!" Jude: "Yeah, allow us to teach you Bettys a little something about the mind of the dude." Jen: "What the heck. They're guys." Caitlin: "We're listening." Wyatt: "Start by getting matching outfits. That'll turn him off big time." Jude: "Ah, nice opener, dude. And phone the guy, like, every fifteen minutes." Wyatt: "Tell him that you're dreaming about your wedding day, and what your kids will look like." Jen: "Right. This is good stuff!" Jude: "And use stupid pet names, like 'rasta-honey-party-munchkin.'" [The girls look at him.] Wyatt: "Uh, try 'sweetie poo-poo-kins' in a baby voice. We hate that." Caitlin: "Really? Wow. I thought guys thought that was cute." Wyatt: "Uh...no." Jude: "Negatory." Jen: "Where's Jonesy? I'm betting he has things he hates too." Wyatt: "Well, I'm not supposed to tell you..." [he waits a beat] "...but I will. It's too good."

[Jonesy is at the Stereo Shack, working hard on polishing a widescreen TV.] Jonesy: "Very...tired...need...rest–" ''[He collapses. Darth approaches.]'' Darth: [petting him] "Not bad, young Padawan, not bad at all." Jonesy: "You know, I gotta hand it to you, Darth." Darth: "Oh yeah? Why's that?" Jonesy: "You got me cornered. Making that videotape, that was pretty smart." Darth: "My IQ is 170." Jonesy: "I don't even have an IQ. But I was just thinking, maybe we can make a trade. There must be something I can give you for that tape." Darth: [thinking] "You're popular, right?" Jonesy: "As a chocolate bar at fat camp." Darth: "And you know a lot of...girls?" Jonesy: "A chick?!?" [excited] "Now that's my specialty! Tell me who she is, and I know I can get you a date." Darth: "Nikki." Jonesy: [halting] "That might be harder than I thought." Nikki: [outside the store] "No. Way." [Jonesy spots her.] "Jonesy?" Jude: "Nice lightsaber, dude." Nikki: [laughing] "Oh no. See, this makes up for a morning of inventory with the Clones. The gods are just." Caitlin: "Oh it's my hero, Joan Solo!" Darth: [whispering to Jonesy] "That's her." Jonesy: "Yeah, I know."

[The gang is outside the Penalty Box, giving Jen a pep talk before she heads in.] Wyatt: "You can do it, Jen. Just focus." Jen: "Focus." Jude: "You've got a black belt in bad girlfriend kung-fu." Jen: "Kung-fu." Wyatt: "Now go smother him." [Jen rushes off.] Jen: [offscreen] "Cory, honey, look! I got us matching sweaters!" Wyatt: "I think she's going to be fine." [The five start to leave, but Jonesy stops Nikki as she starts to follow.] Jonesy: "So Nikki, got any plans tonight?" Nikki: "Not really. Why?" Jonesy: "Because I have got the best guy for you." Nikki: [moving on] "No." Jonesy: [coming with her] "He's really smart! He has a very, uh–interesting personality!" Nikki: "I don't do blind dates. Nice pocket protector, by the way." Jonesy: "Okay, look. This guy is absolutely crazy about you, and he begged me to set you up!" Nikki: "Let me think about it. No." Jonesy: "I thought you were spontaneous!" Nikki: "Why is this so important to you?" Jonesy: [smiling] "I'm just trying to help two good friends! What have you got to lose?" Nikki: [sighing] "Ugh. Fine." Jonesy: "Yes! You are a great friend!" [running off] "Six o'clock, food court, see you there!" Nikki: "I know I'm gonna regret this."

[Jen and Cory take their seats at the theater.] Jen: "Aww! We look so cute together in our outfits! I'll bet everybody noticed!" Cory: "Y-yeah. I guess so." [He's about to take a bite of popcorn, but Jen grabs the tub away.] Jen: "Hold on, there's butter on this. Didn't you get the message I left about healthy eating?" Cory: "I haven't had the chance to hear all of them yet." Jen: "Well, buttered popcorn is full of saturated fat. Oh look! There's Wyatt! Hi Wyatt! Look! I'm here with my new boyfriend! We're gonna be together forever, and ever, and ever!" Wyatt: "Congratulations." Jen: [cuddling Cory] "Aww! Sweetie-poo-poo-kins! Is everything okay?" Cory: "Sweetie...poo-poo-kins?" Jen: "We should have a talk. I want us to share our feelings." Cory: "But the movie's gonna start." Jen: "But I need to talk! Wait. You want to break up, don't you?" [faking tears] "It's that girl in the volleyball section, isn't it? I saw you looking at her!" Cory: [gently] "Are you kidding? You're like a dream come true!" Jen: [irritated] "Excuse me?" Cory: "I love how you look out for me. Making sure I eat right? And phoning me? Over, and over? And over? Aww, fuzzy-wuzzy-bunny-kins." Jen: [coughing] "Sorry. Uh, popcorn. Stuck in my throat. Be right back." ''[Jen leaves her seat. Meanwhile, Caitlin is riding on the escalator when her phone rings.]'' Caitlin: "Hello?" Jen: "Caitlin, this isn't working! Cory likes everything I'm doing! Even the really gross stuff!" Caitlin: "Well that doesn't sound right. Maybe he's a girl-boy." Jen: "A what?" Caitlin: "A girl-boy. A boy who sometimes acts like a girl? This is serious. He could get attached. Abort, Jen, abort immediately!" Jen: "Too late! I thought you said this would work!" Caitlin: "Maybe you just don't have the touch." Jen: "Oh, I have the touch. I've turned off tons of guys before." [She hangs up.] "Alright, Cory. I am now your new worst nightmare."

''[Nikki comes by the Stick It. Jude speaks into the microphone.]'' Jude: "Hi! What'cha doin?" Nikki: "Hey! Hi. I'm just meeting a–friend." Jude: "Want to enter my contest first? Choose the next food on a stick, AND WIN! Check it out. We've got crackers and cheese on a stick, gum on a stick–you're good at inventing stuff." Nikki: "Yeah well, if I've nothing better to do after the world ends, I'll come back." Jude: "Cool."

''[Nikki enters Grind Me. She smoothes her hair and takes a deep breath. A voice calls to her.]'' Jonesy: "Nikki! Ready for your date?" Nikki: "I guess so. Where is he?" Darth: [getting up] "The pleasure is all mine." Nikki: "GUH! Uh, what's he doing here?" Jonesy: "He's your date. The force is strong with this one." Nikki: "No. Really. What's he doing here?" [Jonesy grins nervously.] "Wait. You're setting me up with Darth? Are you crazy?" Jonesy: [chuckling nervously and backing away] "You two uh, want milkshakes to start things off? My treat." Darth: "So, who's your favorite band?" Nikki: "Save it, Yoda. This is not gonna happen." Darth: [sighing] "I know. I mean, Jonesy only agreed to set me up with with you because of the videotape." Nikki: [interested] "Videotape? What...videotape?"

''[Cory is in the midst of Frilly and Pink. Jen pops up beside him.]'' Jen: "Oh! Cory! Isn't Frilly and Pink your favorite store in the whole wide world?" Cory: "I didn't even know it existed." Jen: [holding up an item] "I mean, look at this pink! Round, thing. And this frilly stick! Finally, someone to help me shop for teddy bears! EEEE! I have a collection! Isn't he the cutie-wootiest?" [Jen gasps.] "Potpourri! My favorite!" ''[She runs over and sniffs it. Jen starts to gag, but holds it back.]'' "So, having fun yet?" Cory: "I never knew how soft a pashmina was before." [stroking it] "These would be so nice to have at those cold, early-morning football practices." Jen: "Un. Be. Lievable."

[Cory and Jen pass the Stick It, Jen loaded down with packages.] Cory: "Did anybody ever tell you that you're a slow walker? Pick up the pace, Masterson!" Jen: "Oh, that is it." [She drops the boxes.] Cory: "Hey–hey, what's the matter? Don't you like what I bought you?" Jen: [through gritted teeth] "Yes. I've always wanted pink everything." Cory: "Aw, you're welcome." [Jen sighs.] "Anything for my fuzzy-wu–" Jen: [kicking the boxes away] "No. Stop right there. Cory, it's over."

[Darth is working to hook up the TV while Nikki stands by idly.] Nikki: "C'mon, I thought you said you could do this." Darth: "You're kind of distracting me with your beauty." Nikki: "We're getting revenge on Jonesy, remember? Just concentrate on that." Darth: "I'm having second thoughts. Jonesy and I had a deal, and a Jedi Master is nothing without honor!" Nikki: "Did Jonesy live up to his side of the bargain? He set you up with a girl who thinks you're a freak!" Darth: [after it sinks in] "Cool. I'm over it. Thanks." Nikki: [picking up a wire] "So, what does this wire do?" Darth: "Not that one!" ''[An electric shock hits them and flies through the mall, causing a power surge and a short blackout. It causes the microphone at the Stick It to come on right next to Jen and Cory.]'' Jen: "You and me are through!" Cory: [into the mike] "You're...breaking up with me?" Jen: "Oh yes." Cory: "But why?" ''[Their conversation is being broadcast throughout the mall. Neither of them notices.]'' Jen: "Why? Because I've had more stimulating conversations with a tree! You're completely self-involved, you like dumb movies, and you're a pushy little girl-boy! You suck, Cory Halder!" Nikki: "Okay. Maybe I chose the wrong wire." ''[The microphone squeals and burns out, and only then do the two notice it's on. Jen blushes.]'' Jen: [chuckling nervously] "Was that my outside voice?" Cory: "Man, what a relief!" Jen: "Huh?" Cory: "I wanted to break up with you too." Jen: [amazed] "Shut up!" Cory: "Yeah, but my dad said you could like, sue the store for harassment, and told me to suck it up and take one for the team." Jen: "So you didn't really like all that girly stuff?" Cory: "Heck no!" Jen: "That's great! Hey, wait. Isn't taking one for the team a bad thing?" Cory: "Uh, usually! Seeya!" [In Stereo Shack, Darth is fixing up the broadcast.] Darth: "Now that was the right wire." ''[The video begins to play. It is now showing on the mall's jumboscreen.]'' Blade: [watching, amazed] "No way." Nerdy Guy: "Go Darth!" [Jonesy is sitting at a table with the hot nerdy girl from before.] Jonesy: "So uh, then I scored the winning goal in overtime–" [His date notices the video.] "–it was awesome." [His date starts laughing.] "I can see you're impressed." [She gets up and walks away.] "Here's my number. What happened? What'd I do?" [He spots the video playing on the jumboscreen.] "NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Wyatt: "Nasty." [The rest of the gang has arrived with Darth.] Jude: "Dude, you got rocked by that geek." [Darth laughs at Jonesy and moves on, stopping to wiggle his eyebrows at Jen.] Jen: "Uh, I'm not dating for a while, thanks."

[Jen takes a seat at the usual table.] Jen: "Hoo! That was a hard day at the store." Caitlin: "Kinda hard working with Cory now I guess, huh?" Jen: "No, he transferred to another location. Funny, he wouldn't tell me which one." Wyatt: "I just have to ask–how did you convince Darth to give you that videotape?" Jonesy: [slamming his head on the table] "Do we have to bring up the tape again?" Nikki: "Enh, wasn't so hard. I just paid him the rest of the money Jonesy owed." Caitlin: "That was nice of you. I thought Jonesy was gonna work it off at the Stereo Shack." Nikki: "Oh he was, but he got fired. I guess he didn't have what it took to be a real Jedi Knight. Besides, paying Darth was such a small price for a memory that lasts a lifetime." [She holds up the tape.] Jonesy: "That's it. Laugh it up. Just don't forget who has that picture of you tap-dancing in first grade." [Nikki gasps.] Nikki: "You do not." Jonesy: "Do too." [pulling out a photo] "Oh, in fact–" Nikki: "Jonesy? Don't do it. I'm warning you." ''[Jonesy flips the photo to his friends. They look at it and start laughing. It shows a young Nikki in a tutu and ballerina shoes with huge glasses and a giant pink bow on her head.]'' Wyatt: "Nice!" ''[Nikki slugs Jonesy so hard he falls out of his chair. Jonesy is swift to get up and grab the photo. Nikki chases him.]'' Nikki: "Gimme that!"