Newspaper Thief

Let's see what's for breakfast. Mmm. What have we here? Yecch! Does he have to put carrots in everything? - What are you doing? - Aah! - Nyah. That wasn't an overreaction. - You know, that pie was for tonight's dinner party. - What dinner party? - You're kidding. - What? - Uh, the dinner party we're having So you can apologize to all our neighbors? - What do I have to apologize for? - How about for what you did on the fourth of July? Happy fourth of July! ["1812 overture" playing] Hey, freedom isn't free. - And for what you did on easter. Happy easter! ["1812 overture" playing] What the-- Aah! - I don't know what the big deal was. They were cage-free eggs. - And for what you did on columbus day. - Happy columbus day! [squeaking] ["1812 overture" playing] What? The rats represented The "niÃ±a," the "pinta," and the "santa mara. " If they didn't get it, that's their problem. Besides, what do you care if the neighbors hate me? - I care because this is my house, And one of these days, One of the neighbors is going to file a lawsuit against me For something that you did. Relax. It's not like I'm going to live here forever. If you're so worried about getting sued, I'll apologize. But come on. Have a little faith in our neighbors. Ahh. The suburbs. Fostering the illusion of success since 1950. [gasps] my newspaper! It's beenStolen! Daffy. Daffy! What are we doing this for? - I don't know. - Let's see. I came out here to get my newspaper. It wasn't there. And then, I realized [gasps] Someone stole my newspaper. - What are you so upset about? I've never even seen you read the paper. I don't read it. I do what normal people do with it-- Day by day, slowly build a papier-mÃ chÃ© parade float. What parade are you in? - I'm not in a parade. I am the parade. - What did your parents do to you? Bugsy, old pal, There's a thief among us. - You just told me to have faith in our neighbors, And now, you're insinuating that one of them stole your paper? - I'm not insinuating anything. I am simply implying, in an unscrupulous and cowardly way, That one of our neighbors is a thief. - You're crazy. - Am I? - Yes. - Am I? - Yes. - Am I? Yes. - Daffy, no one stole your newspaper. Where are you going? - I'm letting everyone know what time the dinner party is. Oh! I'll come with you. - Daffy, you're not going to accuse the neighbors. - No. I just want to get some fresh air. What did you think, I was going to start throwing accusations around? Ha! Silly you. Give me a little more credit than that. - Oh! [giggles] hello. - Knock off the pleasantries, grandma. I know you stole my newspaper. - I'd ask you to forgive my friend, But we'll be doing a lot of that at the dinner party tonight, Which, by the way, is at 8:00. See you then. - I know you stole my newspaper. Your suesaper? My newspaper. What is a shoe-shaper? [dog barking] [chain rattles and door opens] - What do you want, rabbit? - Just wanted to remind you about tonight's dinner party. - You mean the "let's all forget about The horrible things daffy duck has done" party? Yeah, I'll be there, Unless I get a better offer. - I've got an offer for you. Give me back my paper. - Yosemite sam's a lot of things-- A liar, a cheat, a false witness, a sore loser, A bad friend, a shady businessman, A blamer, a flim-flammer, a hornswaggler, I'm cheap, and I steals things. But I am no thief. Now, good day, sirs. What time's dinner? Go home. - Fine. - Now. - I'm going. What? I want to watch you go home. [chuckles] You have some serious trust issues. You should get help, man. [crow caws] - Oh! Uh, were you about to, uh, go somewhere? - What? You mean the broom? No. I'm cleaning my house. I drive a minivan. - I'm sneaking around a witch's house, alone, Looking for a newspaper. What am I doing? [wolf howls] Take a deep breath. [inhales and exhales] It's just a house--a normal, everyday witch's house. There's nothing to be afraid of. [screams] - So I'll see you at 8:00? I'm making carrot pie. - Pie? Don't you mean carrot cake? [screaming] [car door shuts] [engine revs] [crashes] [tires squeal] [crashes] [cat screeches] [clatters] [engine revs] [car alarm beeping] - Mm. Mm. Mm. That duck's apology list is getting long. [birds chirping] - So after all that, I still don't know Which neighbor stole my newspaper. Interesting. I have one question. [stammering] why don't you just get another paper? It's the principle. I hold myself to an extremely high moral standard. I treat people and their things with respect, And I place the virtue of trust above all else. No, you don't. - Well, I expect it from others. Come on. You're the only one Who can help me solve the mystery. Don't tell bugs, but you're my smartest friend. A mystery, huh? You know, the key to a good mystery is the ending. And 9 out of 10 mystery novels end the same way. - With a semi-flattering photo of the author? - They end with all the suspects gathered under one roof. What they think is an innocent dinner party Is, in fact, an elaborate trap. - Wait! We're having a dinner party for the neighbors tonight. That's perfect! - Yeah! At tonight's dinner party, I can invite everyone to another dinner party Where I can spring my elaborate trap! [sighs] Or you could just spring your elaborate trap At tonight's dinner party. - Great idea. I'm glad I thought of it. Hmm. Maybe I'm my smartest friend. - [tasmanian devil shouting and spitting] - oh, there's a rumble in the back yard it's a shakin', twistin' cloud seems someone's pet is getting way upset [indistinct] something awful loud he just swallowed up his dog house knocked the barbecue into space and he sucked up bugs' swimming pool spit out a tidal wave tasmanian meltdown comin' [snarls] - there's a meltdown coming' [snarls and sputters] - well, you better start a-runnin' when the ground starts hummin' there's a meltdown comin' - [screams] - [snarls] - I don't know what sets him off - I don't know. [doorbell rings] - is he upset about a girl? No! - it's anyone's guess 'cause he's not the best communicator in the world Don't judge me. - we'd love to get him settled down but he just scratched through the wall he got the police chasing after him 'cause he's headed for the mall tasmanian meltdown comin' [screaming] - [snarling] like a hurricane comin' [indistinct melodic shouting] [cheering] Haha! Whoa. [laughs and blows raspberry] - I can't believe I have to make another pie. What are you doing? You're supposed to be getting ready for the dinner party. - Oh. I'm ready for the dinner party, all right. - What does that mean? - Nothing. Did you set the table? - Ohh, I set more than the table. - What does that mean? - Nothing. - Did you keep the table simple? It shouldn't look too elaborate. - Ohh, the table's not going to be the thing that's elaborate. [chuckles] What's wrong with you? - Nothing. [doorbell rings] Welcome, suspects. I mean, neighbors. [laughing maniacally] I guess no one's ever heard of maniacal laughter. I guess no one's ever heard of bringing a gift, either. - I just want to thank everyone for coming To daffy's apology party. I hope that after tonight, We can all agree to let bygones be bygones. [bell dings] Oh! And I've got a carrot pie in the oven, So save room. Carrot pie? - Oh, I hope it's ok that I brought my son. - Because it's so hard to get a babysitter these days. - Please, let there be other women coming to this thing. [feedback] - [distorted voice] greetings, everyone. As neighbors, you think you know each other well. But what you don't know is that one of you Is a thief! [metal rumbling] [imitating wind blowing] - Ooh. This is one of those fun mystery dinner parties. Let us begin. Everyone, pick up your plates. Uh, scary voice? My son doesn't have a plate. [feedback] Hold on. Here. Thank you. Where's the bathroom? Just hold it. [distorted voice] now, Under your plates, you'll find a number. - Ain't no numbers on these things. What? Now, one of you has a plate with the number 5 on it. Who has the number 5? - I do. - So do I. How'd that happen? There. Now you have a 3. I have a 3. [groans] [laughs] What a fun party. Everyone getting along? [laughs] oh, yes! The voice is having us do lots of things. That's nice. - I, uh, think I smell burning carrots. Oh! My pie! - Quick, what number do you have again? [stammers] 5. Ok. You two switch plates. Now, what number do you have? - 5. - Gasps] Open your eyes, grandma. It's clearly a 3. You're a 3. - I'm a 3. Why are you 3? I have no idea. Do you want me to be a 3? Yes. Thank you. Finally, someone is cooperating. [inhales and exhales] Now, who has the number 3? [gasps] - I'm hungry. Can we eat first, and then play the game? - It's not a game, it's a trap-- An elaborate trap designed to extract a confession From one of you dirty thieves! And then, we'll have an apology party, all right, But the apologies are going to be to me. Now, one of you stole my newspaper. Confess! [all gasp] - really? You're really going there? Yeah. I'm going there. Where is he going? Because if you go there, I will go there. And you do not want to be there when I get there. Because when I get there, I will be so there That you will wish you had stayed right here. Me? What about you? You don't care about your neighbors. You're just scared one of them is going to sue you. - [chuckles] you're crazy. I'm crazy? You're the one who made carrot pie. I mean, carrot pie? Ever heard of carrot cake? That's an actual dessert made with carrots. And do you make it? No! You make carrot pie-- A thing no one eats! Mmm. Mmm! Mmm. Mm! Mmm. [grunting and chewing] - This party blows. I'm going home. - Well, I am not going anywhere until I get an apology For everything this fool has done. I mean, turning a bunch of rats loose on columbus day. Who does that? - The same jackanapes who durn near burn my house down. And by the way, You don't go accusing your neighbors Of stealing something without any evidence, Especially something as dumb as a newspaper. I mean, come on. Read the internet. - For the last time, I don't read it! Hasn't anyone seen my parade float? - You heard the witch-- uh, I mean, lady. You owes us all an apology. - Well? Say you're sorry.