Water Tower

(Eric, Hyde, Fez, and Kelso are all standing on top of the water tower painting something green on it. Donna and Jackie are sitting, looking out over Point Place, talking. Song: "Place in the Sun" by Pablo Cruise.)

Jackie: Oh my god. From up here, Point Place looks just like Paris.

Donna: You think that looks like Paris? God, no wonder you think Kelso could be a model.

Kelso: Whoa, I could so be a model!

Hyde: C'mon, man; shut up and just keep painting.

Kelso: (Jumps down) It's done! (laughs)

Eric: Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!

Fez: This is the proudest moment of my life!

(Hyde looks the leaf over.)

Hyde: It doesn't look like a pot leaf.

Kelso: What?

Hyde: It looks like a hand giving the finger!

Kelso: Well, it doesn't have to look perfect, Hyde! It's art!

Hyde: Get up and make it better!

Kelso: Fine! (He climbs up on the railing of the tower to paint more.)

Hyde: Just…yeah, make it wider…right up there, yeah. Out further, though. Yeah. Right up, there you go…

(Kelso falls out of the tower.)

Jackie: Oh my god, Michael!

Hyde: Hey Kelso!

Kelso: Yeah?

Hyde: How's it look from down there?

Kelso: It looks like it's giving me the finger! (The gang is walking into Eric's living room. Kelso is holding his arm.)

Jackie: You guys, this is so stupid. We should just take him to the hospital.

Kelso: No, Jackie, then my dad'll find out…(flicks his wrist) OWWW!!! OOOH!!

Eric: Ok, my mom's a nurse. I'm gonna go wake her up. Maybe she can…fix him.

Hyde: Just don't wake up Red, though. He'll kill us all.

Eric: Gee, ya think? (he goes up stairs)

(He opens the door and sees Kitty and Red having sex. Song: "Tell Me Something Good" by Rufus. He goes back down stairs, scared and nervous.)

Eric: Ok, let's go. Everybody hop in the car and let's…go now.

Kelso: Where's your mom?

Eric: (grabs Kelso.) Shut up! Don't you dare talk about my mother!

(Theme song plays) (The gang is in a hospital room. Eric is sitting in a chair, Hyde is lying on the bed, Kelso is sitting on the bed. Jackie, Donna and Fez are all standing around. Song: "Theme from Brian's Song")

Kelso: (on phone) Dad?…No, there is no way this could have been avoided!…Yes! Uh, yeah! The cow kicked me after I tipped it over!…I'M NOT LYING!…Ok, alright. I love you too. (hangs up) He bought it!

Fez: (stops nurse) Um, excuse me? Um, yes. Um, my friend and I would like the sponge bath now, please.

(nurse walks away. Donna walks over to Eric and leans over.)

Donna: Eric, are you all right?

Eric: They were sleeping.

(Jackie goes up to Kelso)

Jackie: Michael, as God is my witness, I will nurse you back to health.

Kelso: Thanks, Jackie. I'm in a lot of pain.

Jackie: Aw, my poor baby!

(they kiss. Eric is disgusted and jumps up.)

Eric: Alright, alright, that's it. I'm going home, whoever wants a ride.

(Hyde gets up off the bed to leave.)

Kelso: Hey, sorry about tonight, you guys.

Hyde: Sorry, why? We got to watch you fall, man! I had a blast!

Donna: See you Kelso!

(they leave)

Jackie: Hyde is such a jerk. This is all his fault!

Kelso: Whoa, what are you talking about?

Jackie: Who said the pot leaf wasn't good enough?

Kelso: Hyde did.

Jackie: Mmm-hmm. And who said you should lean out further?

Kelso: Hyde did.

Jackie: So who made you fall off the water tower?

Kelso: No, no, no, no, wait Jackie, that's, that's crazy. Hyde's like, my best friend.

Jackie: No, no no no, Brian Piccalo and Gayle Sayers were best friends.

Kelso: The Brian Song. I love that movie!

Jackie: See Michael, Gayle held Brian's hand and cried. And gave him sips of cool water in his hospital bed.

Kelso: Ah.

Jackie: So, where are you now?

Kelso: I'm in a hospital bed!

Jackie: And where's Hyde?

Kelso: Well, he isn't giving me sips of cool water, that's for sure! (Red, Kitty, Laurie, and Eric are sitting in the Forman's kitchen eating dinner.)

Red: Well, we've got vandals in this town! I was driving home and I saw the water tower giving me the finger.

Laurie: Vandals, you say? Hmm, where were you last night, Eric?

Kitty: Oh, can it Laurie. Eric, you look pale. Let me see your eyes. Look at me! (He looks up and imagines he sees her naked) Got a fever?

(He turns to see Red naked)

Red: I know what you need. Right after breakfast, I want you to mow the lawn. Fresh air'll do you good!

Kitty: (wipes something out from between her breasts) Eric, is something bothering you?

Eric: (looking back and forth) God, make it stop! (jumps up and leaves) (Eric replays walking in on Red and Kitty in his mind. He wakes up and screams. His clock says 4:10. It happens again. The clock says 4:21. Song: "The End" by The Doors. The radio comes on. Song: "Tell me something Good" by Rufus. Eric covers his head with his blanket.) (Red and Kitty are sitting at the kitchen table. Kitty is reading a pamphlet titled "Is Johnny High?")

Kitty: Well, ok, now, um…so far Eric is nine out of ten. He's got, he's got blood shot eyes, mood swings, irregular appetite, odd sleeping patterns, oh Red! Our Johnny is high!

Red: Kitty, that's nonsense! He's not on drugs, he's…just weird!

(Eric stumbles in with his jacket half on and drops his books. He picks them up again)

Kitty: Morning. Hungry? (asks, pointing to pamphlet and showing Red)

Eric: Um, I overslept and I'm late for school…it's…um, bye.

(he leaves)

Red: That kid's on dope.

Kitty: Well, I'll say. It's Sunday. (The gang is sitting in Eric's basement, all except for Kelso, watching TV.)

Fez: Boy, these after school specials are thrilling. I mean, who knew it takes only one beer to turn a cheerleader into a whore?

Jackie: You know, Fez, this show contains an important message. That very thing happened to a good friend of mine.

Fez: Really?

Jackie: Mmm-hmm.

Fez: Um, may I ask who?

Hyde: Man, that is one drunk, slutty cheerleader!

Donna: There go her pom-poms!

(Eric jumps up)

Eric: Alright, alright! (Turns off TV) That is quite enough! Everywhere I look now it's sex, sex, sex! Well, It's disgusting and I for one will not have it in my basement!

Donna: Eric, what's wrong with you?

Eric: Oh, well, excuse me, Donna, for having a little moral fiber!

(he sits)

Jackie: Ok, well I'm gonna go check on Michael.

(gets up)

Hyde: Yeah, how's he doing?

Jackie: Oh, oh yeah like you care! Why don't you just apologize?

Hyde: Apologize for what?

Jackie: Well, if you don't know, then obviously you're a big fat jerk!

(she leaves)

Hyde: Ok, she's nuts.

Fez: I know! You are not fat. (Eric stands in the kitchen watching toast pop up. Laurie walks in.)

Laurie: Eric?

Eric: Get off my mom. What?

Laurie: What is it with you? You've been extra loser-y lately.

Eric: I saw mom and dad having sex.

(Laurie is shocked and tries to comfort him, hugs him. Song: "Psycho".)

Laurie: Oh! Oh, you poor thing! It's alright, it's okay! Baby's fine!

Eric: Oh, Laurie! It was horrible and I can't get the image out of my mind! I mean it was Mom and Dad, but they were…they were like pair of wildebeests on a National Geographic special. (Cut to fake National Geographic special. You can see a plant shaking in the Forman's living room as the announcer talks.)

Announcer: Deep in the unexplored psyche of a confused young man is a wilderness called…(Eric pops out from behind the plant) "Wild Wisconsin." After several days of tracking, we've finally located the den of the wily Red. Here we see "Suburbus sexmaniacus" Tracking his prey through the living room. (Red is mixing drink, Kitty is applying make up.) Observe, as the male indicates his interest in mating by making loud, aggressive noises.(Red turns on the blender and mixes it's contents together.) The female's attractive double-knit pants suit and scarlet lips signal her readiness. (Kitty applies lipstick and closes her compact.) This display is not lost on the male. (Red stands up holding two glasses and approaches Kitty.) Oh, there he goes! Let's watch. (Red hands a glass to Kitty. They clink glasses and drink, then turn to each other and start to make out.) (Cut back to the kitchen. Laurie is holding Eric's hand and talking to him.)

Laurie: Eric, I am so sorry. But you have to understand. Mom and Dad are in love. They have urges and needs, just like us.

Eric: No urges. No needs.

Laurie: I learned in psychology class that what you went through is traumatic. But don't worry. Many people have had this same experience.

Eric: Really? And they turned out all right?

(She nods, then stops.)

Laurie: Well, some of them turned out to be serial killers. But, I'm sure that's just a coincidence! But, whatever.

Eric: You know what the sad thing is? I actually think you're trying to be nice.

Laurie: Yeah, it's just not my strong suit. Sorry.

Eric: So, I'll be alright?

(She pauses.)

Laurie: No. (Donna and Eric are sitting in the car. She yawns and stretches her arms out, she rubs his head. Song: "The Things We Do for Love".)

Eric: Donna, I'm really not in the mood.

Donna: Oh, come on. I'm just trying to get a little action here!

Eric: Donna, I just can't.

Donna: Come on, all the other guys are doing it. (This gets no response from Eric.) What's going on? Are you like, mad at me or something?

Eric: I just…Donna, I saw my parents having sex.

Donna: (Jumps back) Oh, god! Eeew!

Eric: Yeah.

Donna: And you liked it, right?

Eric: Oh, god no! That's sick! That was sick!

Donna: I'm kidding Eric, I'm kidding!

Eric: Oh! Ha, good one.

Donna: Alright, look. I'm gonna tell you something I've never told anybody else, alright? When I was twelve I saw my parents doing it.

Eric: (Surprized) How…how did you get over it?

Donna: Well, at first I was like, completely freaked out! But then eventually the pain receded, and I was able to live again.

Eric: Donna, I don't see this receding. I mean, I walked in on Red and Kitty and they were…right in the middle.

Donna: Oh, god, that's nothing. I caught my parents outside, in broad daylight, on the hammock. Where I used to read, like, my Nancy Drew mysteries.

Eric: Wow. Man, that is so much worse than mine.

Donna: Oh, god! I can remember like, little bits of naked skin peeking through the holes of the hammock.

(she starts to look far-away)

Eric: Wow. It's weird, but, knowing what you've been through just makes me feel so much better. Because, you're like, totally over it. Right?

Donna: (Interrupting) And later, they came inside, and they had like, this checkerboard pattern all over their arms and legs! And my dad laughed, and said they fell asleep on the hammock. But I knew it was a lie. I knew what he did to my mom!

(Clamps her hand over her mouth.)

Eric: Your mom. (pause) Okay, I'm ready to fool around.

Donna: Will you take me home?

Eric: Right. (Kelso and Jackie go into the basement where Hyde, Donna, Eric, and Fez are sitting. Kelso's arm is in a sling.)

Kelso: Oh, hey look Jackie, it's my friends! Eric, Donna and Fez! Yep, that's all my friends.

Hyde: Kelso, if you have something to say to me, why don't you just say it?

Kelso: Oh, no. Ohhh, no. (He walks behind the chair Hyde is sitting in.) I think you have something to say to me. And I'm gonna be right over here when you're ready!

(Hyde doesn't move.)

Eric: Alright, alright. This is stupid. Hyde, just apologize already.

Hyde: Forman, it's not my fault.

Donna: Well, whatever. He thinks it is.

Kelso: It is! You made me fall off the water tower!

(Hyde turns around.)

Hyde: How? Did I push you?

Kelso: Well, no! But…

Hyde: Did I make the railing slippery?

Kelso: No!

Hyde: Then how is it my fault?

(pause)

Kelso: Because! You didn't like my artwork. (Cut to Jackie, looking satisfied.) And…and you don't respect me, and you laugh at me, and you're inconsiderate of my feelings!

Hyde: Kelso, no offense but you sound like a chick.

Kelso: Oh yeah? Well…man! I do!

Hyde: Ok, alright. (Stands up and approaches Kelso.) Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence, and I hit my forehead on that tree branch? And I fell into your yard and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice on the ass?

Kelso: (laughs) Yeah! You bled and you cried!

Hyde: I bled, I didn't cry.

Kelso: Yeah, you did. You bled and you cried.

Hyde: And you laughed, man! A lot. While I was bleeding. You see my point?

Kelso: Yeah. It's funny when friends get hurt.

Hyde: Close enough. (Pats Kelso on the back.) Sorry.

Kelso: Hey, stop talking like a chick.

(Hyde hits Kelso's arm and they both laugh.)

Jackie: God, you're both idiots! (Eric is sitting in a chair by the kitchen table. Kitty and Red are talking to him. Laurie is stading nearby reading a magazine.)

Kitty: Eric? Your father and I have noticed that you've been acting very strangely lately.

Red: Like a hippie.

Kitty: Is there something you want to tell us?

Red: Are you on dope? Are you?

Kitty: Because, because, we can help get you clean. There is counseling, hospitalization…

Red: My foot kicking your ass.

Eric: Mom, Dad, I'm not on drugs.

Kitty: (Almost collapses) Oh, what a relief! You have no idea what…

Red: Kitty, Kitty, he's lying! That's what the hop-heads do!

Eric: Oh, dad, I swear, I'm not on drugs.

Red: Well then what the hell's wrong with you?

Eric: Well, I accidentally…I was upstairs, and I-I-I…Ok, you know what? I'm on drugs.

Laurie: (stops reading her magazine.) Oh, for god's sake. He saw you guys doing it! There! I helped!

(she leaves)

Kitty: Oh, honey. Were your father and I having intercourse?

Eric: MOM!

Kitty: Well, no wonder you've been acting so weird! Red, say something. Make him feel better.

Red: Um…it's more fun than it looks.

Kitty: Red…

Red: What? Well, what do you want me to say?

Eric: No, no, you know what? You guys do it, and um, I'm okay with that. So...thanks.

Red: Sure thing. I just, hope you learned your lesson.

Eric: Oh! Yes sir, I did. Wait a second. What lesson?

Red: Always knock!

Eric: Oh.

Kitty: Oh, oh, even in the middle of the afternoon.

Eric: Oh my god!

(he leaves)

Red: Damn, that was funny, heh heh.

Kitty: Well, I don't, I don't know how funny it is, I mean, what if that had been you walking in on your parents? (There's a pause. Red looks uncomfortable. ) And your mother was a dancer. I imagine that would have been quite something.

Red: Quit it, Kitty.

Kitty: Oh, Red.

(she tries to hug him.)

Red: Hey, don't.

(she chases him)

Red: Hey, now, stop it.

END