The Last Temptation of Cory

Topanga, how could you be sick? I mean, you said you'd never catch a cold as long as you were taking that trout fluid. It's fish oil and I'll be fine. Just take good notes for me and I'll be back in school Monday. I miss you so much and I'll call you after next period Topi. (all) Ahh. Oh, drop dead. We're in love. Not us. Do that again and I will hurt you. Shawn, I'm not embarrassed about it. I mean, Topanga and I are serious. - We do everything together. - Hi, Cory. Love that shirt. Hey, thanks. Underneath it I'm half-naked. You and Topanga do everything together, huh? Even flirt with Libby Harper? Flirt? I was just being friendly. And besides, girls like Libby Harper don't flirt with me. That was before. Now you have "the scent. " Well, what exactly is "the scent?" - I'll tell you about "the scent. " - All right, stop. - It means women want you. - Why? Because they can't have you. You're with Topanga, they think you're unavailable, virgo, they want you. - You're batty. - So one girl may have flirted with me. You're making it sound like all girls I don't know, Missy Robinson, are gonna come over and suddenly make small talk. - Cory? - Yes, Missy? Did you know the sun sets today at 6:52? I did not know that. Shawn And then the papa bear said, "Missy's taking Topanga's seat. " Hold onto your porridge, Cor. Shh. I'm trying to listen to what Feeny's saying. All right. Mr. Matthews, what was I saying? I-I-I was too busy absorbing to listen. Very good. - Mr. Hunter? - Franklin Roosevelt and the New Deal. Dear Lord, he's right. It's been my answer for two years, Mr. Feeny. - Sooner or later, it had to pay off. - (bell) Now, don't forget, for next week's assignment you'll need to choose partners. - Shawn? - Who else? Mr. Matthews, Mr. Hunter, spread the wealth, hm? But Mr. Feeny, you can't split us up. Oh, Cor, this is plain wrong. He can't break us up like that. I mean, if I can't do this project with you, my very best friend in the world, then I'm just not gonna. - Hey, Shawn, got a partner? - Gotta go. How did I not see that coming? Cory. Trini. What am I gonna do? Topanga's my best friend. She's always my partner. You know, there are so few people who get me. - Really, now? - Oh, yeah. I can call her at, like, three in the morning and not say one single thing, yet somehow, she knows it's me. Go figure. Hey, listen, since I don't have a partner and you don't have a partner You're right. We'd better both get looking. Cory. Do you want to work with me on the project? Uh Actually, I think I'm gonna go solo on this one. You know, work twice as hard. 'Cause I have the strength of ten men. - So funny. - Am I? - And cute. - No. But if you're set on working alone Miss Martin still needs a partner. Anyone not paired up? Mr. Matthews? Taken. And don't worry. Your girlfriend, Topo Gigio, won't mind. Actually, it's Topanga. Whatever. - What are you looking for? - You're not gonna believe this. I go to pay for my lunch and Bertha says: "Don't worry, it's already taken care of. " This makes no sense. Cory. Over here. - All right, Corrance. - What? - You still don't smell it, do you? - (sniffs) The shawarma in a pocket? They said it was fresh. - No, I'm talking about "the scent. " - Stop with the fingers. Cory, I saved you a seat. All right, look. I'm gonna go over there, but only to talk about the history assignment. - Hey, Cor, remember - I know, just be myself. No. Be me. Jonathan, Eli. - I'm glad I caught you. - It's lunchtime. Where else would we be? Anyway, this is my last day to get pledges for the charity walkathon. - It's for the homeless, you know? - George, you already put me down for two bucks a mile. Oh, shame on you. Two dollars a mile. Good old Janitor Bud himself pledged twice that much and he's a man of no fixed address. You gotta beat Bud, man. All right, fine. Put me down for five bucks a mile and that's it. I knew I could count on you, Johnny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, Mr. Williams, how much can we massage out of your wallet, hm? - Well, I'm always up for a good cause. - Oh, I like your thinking. (groans) Hey, hey, are you all right, George? Oh, no, it's nothing at all. It's just that when the weather gets damp, my joints tend to swell. - Are you gonna be able to do this walk? - Oh, I must. Especially after last year's fiasco. I was a no-show. My knee swelled up like an eggplant. Why don't I just write you a check for 50 bucks, that way you don't have to hurt yourself, huh? No, no, no, no. It's for charity. Even if I just walk a block or two, the pain would be well worth the few dollars I collect. - You know what, George? - Mm? You're all right. Tell you what. Put me down for 50 bucks a mile. Huh? So that way, if you don't even get past the first mile, you still got my 50. Oh. Ooh. Not too tight. So then I started using a new moisturizer. Here, feel. Yep. Moist. It somehow reminds me of our history project. My skin reminds you of the Great Depression? No. Not all of it. Just the last part when the people got all happy again. So, our history project, shall we start this weekend? Actually, this weekend's not good for me, with my party and all. - Oh, you're having a party? - Oh, you didn't know about it? Well, you should come. Bring Shawn. Well, I think at least one of us should plow ahead with the project. On a Friday night? Come on, Cory, just come. Please? OK, but do you think we'll be able to find some time to talk about the Great Depression? - Wouldn't be a party if we didn't. - Cory. Do you want to come with me over to Topanga's after school? What? You think you're the only person who cares about poor sick Topanga? I'll have you know that I love the girl. And she's all I think about. I'm thinking about her now. And now. And now I'm going over there to think about her. Yeah, I do some of my best studying at parties. Shawn, really. This is all innocent. I'm gonna go to the party, have a good time and nothing's gonna happen because I'm my own person and I don't care what anybody else thinks. - Where are you going? - I'm gonna run it by Topanga. - Hey, Hunter, take this. - OK. Whoa! Good thing I'm hanging a picture, huh? Eric, I had to wrestle this away from Shawn. He said you gave it to him. You can relax, Dad. With the money I'm gonna be making you, you can afford to buy yourself a whole new family. Well, that's a very tempting offer right now. Who is that poor man with the swollen head hanging over my fireplace? That man is gonna be paying for my college intuition. Where do I begin? Mom, Dad, I got one word for you. - Baseball collectibles are hot. - How much? Only 200 macaroons. For a signed photo of Teddy "Beanbag" Bagwell? That man is a bum! No picture of the Bag is gonna be worth $200. Obviously the guy didn't know what he had in his store. When you walked in I bet he did. Dad, what the store guy didn't know is that Baggie is only two hit by pitches away from the all-time major league record. Two more bean balls, we all go to college. Ok, so who holds the record now for getting hit in the head? I'm thinking Eric. So anywho, I couldn't get a partner for the project, so Mr. Feeny said that he and I would do it together. but to never call him again. (Cory) Topanga, your mom said to come right up. But she didn't say Trini was here. Yea. Now that Cory's here I am sure that you two don't want me hanging around. - Well, actually, Trini - Oh, OK. I'll stay, but just for one more hour. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Nobody gets me. She's making a lot of progress. - So tell me how your day was. - Oh. Very uneventful. Nothing happened? Well, in Feeny's class I got partnered up with - What's her name? - Missy Robinson. I know. Trini told me. Yeah. Missy. Kind of a dumb name, huh, Topanga? But anyway, the girl's kind of a flake. I mean, we have this huge history project and all she can talk about is her dumb party tonight. Trini didn't say anything about a party. Well, not many people tell Trini about parties. - So are you going? - Oh, please. Without you? Huh? - Why don't you go? It sounds like fun. - Really? Yeah, go. OK. OK. But I'll tell you what, on my way back I'll pick you up some ice cream for your throat. - You don't have to do that. - But I want to. Trust me. OK, well, as long as it's made with organic rice milk. But if they don't have that, Chunky Monkey Double Fudge with jimmies. - You got it. - Don't be too late. If I'm not here by nine o'clock then we must be at war. Huh? I'll be here. I'll be here. Hi, guys. - Are we early or something? - No. You're right on time. Oh, wait a minute. Is this a surprise party? In a way. Come on. What's going on? Where is everybody? - This is everybody. Surprise! - Surprise! That's right. It's just the four of us. - What are we gonna do? - You take Missy, I'll take Libby. No, no. I have a girlfriend. Her name is Topanga. I just love your shirt. Thanks. It rhymes with your skirt. Shawn, you didn't have anything to do with this, did you? No, I dreamed it once, but you weren't here. All right, look. Easy way out of this, you and me, we stick together. Side by side. Two pillars of strength. (whispers) Oh, wow. A-a-a-ahh. Uhhh Ah Oh, just go! So, Cory, - I'm really glad you came. - Thank you. You didn't say anything about my dress. Oh. It's very pretty. My girlfriend, Topanga, has one just like it, but longer. Let's sit down, Cory. Hi. Lunchroom lady, lunchroom lady, lunchroom lady. - Cory, are you OK? - Yeah, I'm fine. Oh, look. Heads. They're my dad's. But don't worry, he's never shot a boy I liked. You like me? Do you see me talking to any of the other guests? Of course I like you, what I know about you, but I'd like to know a lot more. I'm gonna stare deep into your eyes until I discover it all. Well, I was born in Jefferson Hospital. They tell me it was drizzling that day. I loved my blue blankie. And then in the fourth grade, the first day at gym, I found out the awful truth. I had flat feet. But Miss Spivey, the nurse, assured me that I'd lead a healthy and normal life, so that was cool. - Cory. - What? Why don't we skip ahead to now? Well, there's really not much going on now, except you and me and the heads. - Then let's make it interesting. - (romantic music plays) Come here, you. But, I mean, you can't blame the entire Great Depression on Herbert Hoover. I wouldn't think of it. But here's what I am thinking. Missy Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. I wish I were doing better. We're not even making out yet and it's past nine o'clock. Nine o' Nine o'clock. We're at war! I need a phone! Look. I gotta talk to someone. Do you have a cordless? Sorry. - That's a closet! - Perfect. Hi, Topanga. Yeah, it's me, Cory. I just wanted to let you know I'm on my way to Chubbie's to pick you up your Chunky Monkey. Yeah. Oh, the party, there's a lot of no-shows, but Oh. Ohh! Susannah, well, don't you cry for me No, you know when a song just pops into your head? Yeah, I-I'm fine. All right, all right, bye. You are not getting out of here this easy. Look, Missy, I don't think I can do this. I think you very well can do this. No, no, no. Look, Missy, I have a girlfriend. I should be with her. But, I mean, you're a very nice person and clearly attractive, but (horn) - Get out of here now! - . . a little oversensitive. No! No, my father's here. - Your father? - Yes! And I am not supposed to have boys over. You've got to get out of here fast. - And how fast would that be? - Do you see those deer? - Yeah. - Faster. (distorted voice) Get out! Don't shoot, please. Oh, good, it's you. I want my best friend here when I die. Relax. There isn't a basement in this town I haven't escaped from. - (door shuts) - Well, then do it, quick. Back stairs, through the garage, over the fence, you'll land in some shrubs and it's a 30-yard dash to the highway. Go! I've got a hunch you've done this before. (TV) Oh, wild pitch for the walk. And coming up to the plate, Teddy "Beanbag" Bagwell. Hey, Mom, Dad, come on down, it's bag time! All right, let me get this straight. Bagwell gets beaned two more times and then this worthless picture becomes a priceless treasure? You're proud of me, aren't you? - Are they leading him to home plate? - Oh, yeah. In the last game, he got hit in the head so many times his eyes were swollen shut. - You guys hear that? - What? Ch-ching! Ch-ching! (TV) As Bagwell sets in the box let me remind you that the southpaw, Darren Lee, has been unbelievably wild tonight. Daddy, it's too easy. - (TV) Here's the pitch. - (thump) Ouch! Boy, oh, boy, you sure hate to see that. Yes! Yes! Eric! He's been hit, he's on the ground. - He's not even moving. - Sit down! Yeah, look, I'm sorry. You're right. Too early to celebrate. One more to the head then we all party. (TV) What's this? From his stretcher, Bagwell's requesting a microphone. I have never seen anything like this. (Bagwell) Today, I consider myself the stupidest man on the face of the earth. I quit baseball. Oh, Baggy, Baggy, say it ain't so. - 200 macaroons down the drain. - No, no! He'll be back. Mark my words, that man plays baseball again or my name isn't Eric Neil Matthews. That's not your middle name. - Wow. We made it here in ten minutes. - Good thing we took the highway. Listen, I gotta get the ice cream and get to Topanga's. Do you have any cash? The tollbooth guy wiped me out. Yo, counterman, give me a quart of your finest Chunky Monkey Double Fudge. Why did I do it, Shawn? Why did I kiss Missy Robinson? Better question, why are you telling everyone in Chubbie's? What a wild imagination I have, huh? Cory, the way I see it, Missy attacked you. You're the victim here. Yeah, you're right. I'm the victim. She was a circling great white shark and I was a little anchovy. - You mean anch-oh-vy. - Yeah. Anchovy. Cory, settle down. You're home free. You kissed another girl and you're actually gonna get away with it. Hello, Topanga. Oh, that is so not even funny, because if she Oh, Susannah, well, don't you cry for me Everybody! 'Cause I come from Alabama with my banjo on my knee Topanga, we're just singing. What are you doing here? I had to get out of the house. Besides, it was getting late. - I thought you might have forgot about me. - Forgot? Does this look like I forgot? Yeah, trusty old Cory. I'd better go. I told my mom I'd be right home. Is it all right if I don't kiss you? I'm still a little germy. I'll call you tomorrow. Like I said, home free. Home nothing. Topanga, wait! What's the matter? - Look, I can't lie to you. - About what? (sighs) About tonight. I, uh I accidentally kissed Missy Robinson. - How do you accidentally kiss someone? - Well I mean, did she slip on a rug and your lips broke her fall? No. I didn't go there to kiss her, it just happened. - I feel terrible about it. - Well, why did you do it? - I wasn't thinking. - And that's supposed to make it OK? No. No. Look. All I know is I've never felt worse than I do right now. You should feel bad. I feel bad. So now what do I do? Hopefully not what I deserve. So tell me, Cory, how did she kiss you? Was it like this? - Topanga, do we have to do this here? - I need to know, Cory. Or was it more like this? No, it wasn't like that. That's the first time anyone's ever kissed me like that before. And, Cory Matthews, it's going to be the last time if you ever do anything like that again. - Hey, John, have you seen George yet? - No, Why? I'm kinda worried about him. He had that walkathon yesterday and with his bad knee and all. Bad knee? Who told you that? Eli! Jonathan! Ah, gentlemen, there is nothing like a good ten-mile walk to invigorate the body and lift the soul. - Ten miles? - Good for you, George. I owe you 50 bucks. Wait. Ten miles, as in ten more than you what were supposed to do? Well, I caught a good wind. - So, that means you owe me - $500? You took me, George. I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about. Uh-oh. Oh, boy. Better put a little ice on this knee. - So, John, can you buy me lunch? - Sure. All year? Does it feel like knives in your throat every time you swallow? I don't know. I haven't swallowed all day. - Sounds like you've got what I had. - I don't think I'll ever get off this couch. Don't worry. I've sent something over that'll have you on your feet in no time. Hello, Corpuscle! I am here to help you get better. All better.