The Thing

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "The Thing" from season four, which aired on January 15, 2007.

Plot
(Squidward peeks out his door to make sure SpongeBob is not around)

Squidward: It's too quiet. Something isn't right around here. (crawls around to SpongeBob’s downstairs window. Peeks in but sees SpongeBob is not there) Could it be? SpongeBob is gone for the evening. (cut to Squidward in his house in a robe) Here's to a delightful evening alone with you, public television. (slurps his drink while watching a squid on TV about to play his clarinet. When he does, SpongeBob’s laughter is heard instead of a clarinet sound. SpongeBob and Patrick are outside playing)

Patrick: Do it again. Do it again.

SpongeBob: Ok. (puts two handfuls of sand in his mouth then squirts it out of his head like play dough hair)

Squidward: Will you two be quiet?! I'm trying to watch public television. (closes window)

Patrick: Do it again, do it again.

Squidward: If those two want to ruin my quiet evening at home, they're going to have to do better than that. (watches more of the squid with the clarinet. Pounding on the door causes the music to stop. Squidward gets up and answers the door) What?

SpongeBob: Squidward! (Squidward slams door in their faces. Patrick sighs)

Squidward: You're still there, aren't you? (opens door)

SpongeBob: Good evening, Squidward.

Squidward: Not so fast. You two little monsters aren't about to ruin my evening.

SpongeBob: Oh, we're not here to ruin it. We're here to enhance it.

Squidward: Isn't that right, Pat?

Patrick: Yeah. We're here... (Squidward slams door)

Squidward: Can't a hard working Squid get a little tv time alone? (sits on his couch then notices SpongeBob and Patrick) SpongeBob? Patrick? Oh, what's the point? (SpongeBob and Patrick slurp their drink while watching the Squid with the clarinet on tv)

Patrick: Could you turn it up?

SpongeBob: Uh, Squidward, could you turn it down a little?

Patrick: Squidward, what's this about?

SpongeBob: Squidward, how come he's so emotional?

Patrick: Is he the bad guy?

SpongeBob: Squidward?

Patrick: Squidward?

SpongeBob: Squidward?

Patrick: Squidward?

SpongeBob: Squidward?

Patrick: Squidward?

Squidward: (screams) That's it! All I wanted to do was watch some smooth jazz on public television. But apparently, that's not going to happen. Once again I'm going to have to leave my own home just to get some peace and quiet. Enjoy my tv. (scoffs)

Patrick: Oh wait, I think I've seen this before. This part's funny.

Squidward: I'm going to go somewhere far away. Somewhere far away from those two watching public television on my tv. Pfah! They wouldn't know real culture even if it hit them like a truck full of cement. (rides into a cement truck full of cement) Oh. (cement unloads on top of Squidward. Squidward tries to get unstuck and is launched through coral field, a sewer pipe, and into a colorful group of jellyfish, who sting him. He falls over and screams out a bubble) Day five, I think. I've been waddling these fields. I'm hungry, tired, and lost. The only good thing about this is no SpongeBob. (reads sign) Jellyfish Fields. (sighs)

SpongeBob: What is that thing, Patrick?

Patrick: I dunno. Let's get a closer look. (both run up to the thing as it's trying to escape)

SpongeBob: Hi, stranger. I am SpongeBob. (sniffs in the odor coming from Squidward then flushes the tears away. Squidward growls muffling causing SpongeBob and Patrick to scream) Wait a minute. Maybe he's not a monster. Maybe he's an endangered species. We should help him.

Patrick: Yeah, help him. Go away. Can't you tell nobody wants you? You're endangered.

SpongeBob: Not like that. With lots of love and affection. We can take care of him. (muffled shouting coming from Squidward. Cut to SpongeBob’s house) Well, Smelly, here you are. Your new home. Oh, Smelly, this is going to be great. We'll be one big happy family. Let me show you around. Here's your bed, Smelly. (muffled whimpering from Smelly) Here's your food bowl.

Patrick: And some kibble. (pours in some food)

SpongeBob: You can live here forever and ever. (Smelly cries) Oh, look, Pat. He's crying tears of joy. Well, Smelly, there's one more family member you haven't met. (retrieves Gary) Smelly meet Gary. (Gary sticks to Smelly) Aww, look at that Smelly, Gary likes you. (Gary attacks Smelly) Gary, no! (gets Gary off of Smelly) Gary.

Patrick: I don't think Gary likes Smelly.

SpongeBob: Yeah, Gary's never attacked anyone like that except Squidward. I guess Smelly can't live here.

Patrick: Ah! He can come home with me.

SpongeBob: That's a great idea, Patrick. You always wanted a pet. (Smelly tries to escape through the door but keeps falling down) Isn't that cute? Look how excited he is to get to your house. (opens door) Bye, Smelly, have fun at Patrick's. (Smelly tries to get into Squidward's house)

Patrick: No, no, Smelly. Squidward doesn't like pets. (cut to under Patrick's rock) Hey, Smelly, wanna play catch? (throws ball at Smelly) Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it. (throws ball at Smelly again) Almost. (throws ball at Smelly again) Again. (throws ball at Smelly again) So close. (throws ball at Smelly again but it gets stuck in his eye) Yeah, now you're... (Smelly throws the ball at Patrick, knocking him down) Smelly! What's gotten into you?! (screams and jumps behind a chair and calls someone) Hello, Animal Control? There's a wild animal loose in my house. (person over phone is speaking gibberish) Sure, I'll hold. (Smelly escapes Patrick's rock) Smelly! Come back. Smelly!

Police: Freeze! (more police cars arrive)

SpongeBob: (reading in his library) Hmmm, what's all the commotion? (looks outside the window)

Police: You're surrounded. There is no way out.

SpongeBob: Smelly. (tries walking through a crowd of policeman) Excuse me. Pardon me. If I can just scootch through there. Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me. You leave Smelly alone. He's just a poor, dumb wild animal.

Police: Wild animals don't belong here, son. They belong in the zoo. Get 'em boys. (Smelly is taken away in a truck marked 'ZOO' with a vicious, giant clam)

SpongeBob: Smelly. (cut to the zoo where people are around the habitat of Smelly. Smelly is locked behind a cage marked 'Species Unknown')

Sadie's daughter: Mommy, what is that thing?

Sadie: I don't know but it's hideous, isn't it? (everyone laughs. Smelly goes back inside his cage)

SpongeBob: This isn't good.

Patrick: You're absolutely right. (takes out a hotdog) It needs mustard. SpongeBob: No one should be treated like that. Not even someone as ugly as Smelly. Something needs to be done about this. And I know exactly what that thing is. (whispers to Patrick. Cut to night where Patrick and SpongeBob are wearing black ski masks) Ok, Patrick, remember the plan?

Patrick: Oh, yeah. (takes out a hotdog) This one, right? SpongeBob: (grabs hotdog) No, not that. I'm talking about the plan to break Smelly out of this animal prison.

Patrick: (takes a bite out of the hotdog) Mmm, good plan.

SpongeBob: (ties rope to rail) All right, I'll go down first. Keep a lookout and follow me. (climbs down the rope)

Patrick: You're my hero. (gets tangled in the rope) SpongeBob! Help! Ah! (screams and makes lots of noise)

SpongeBob: Shh, we'll get caught.

Patrick: What! I can't hear you! I'm screaming too loud! (SpongeBob pulls the rope which causes Patrick to fall straight to the ground which, in turn, wakes up Smelly)

SpongeBob: (tip-toes over to Smelly's cage) Fear no longer, dear Smelly, we are here to rescue you. Understand? We are taking you home. (draws a home with his fingers. Smelly moans) Look how excited he is. Flip the switch, Patrick. (he does so. Cage door opens and they carry him out) Smelly, you're free! (lights are shining on them, they jump out a little with a seal barking sound)

Police: You're surrounded. There's no use trying to run.

SpongeBob: Run, Patrick, run! (as they do, the police climb down into the habitat and chase them) Faster, Patrick. (notices a manhole cover and opens it)

Patrick: I'll let Smelly go first. (throws Smelly down the sewer. Smelly bounces around before hitting the ground)

SpongeBob: Don't worry, Smelly, you're safe with us. (Patrick closes the manhole cover as police run by it)

Patrick: I think we lost them.

SpongeBob: Well, we're all one big happy family again. Let's see where this dark sewer tunnel leads.

SpongeBob & Patrick: La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la. (Smelly moans and whimpers)

SpongeBob: Oh, it's all right, Smelly. Soon, we'll be home and you can sleep in that cozy little pet carrier you love so much. (muffled screaming and wailing from Smelly)

Patrick: Hey, I see light.

SpongeBob: You're right, Patrick. That must be the way out. Whoa... where are we? (a group of creatures are gathered around in the distance) Let's go ask those guys. Um, excuse us. (creatures turn around to reveal they look like Smelly) Hey, they look just like you. Go, be with your real family. Go ahead, Smelly. I know you've come to think of us as a family, but it's better this way. (push Smelly on the ground as the group of creatures take him away)

Patrick: (sniffs) I'm going to miss him, SpongeBob. Me, too, buddy. Me, too, but he's with his kind now, where he belongs, and on that note, let us go back to where we belong. (group of gray creatures put Smelly down to where the Squid on TV from earlier is playing jazz)

Kelpy G: Ah... salutation, my children. Are you ready for your daily dose of smooth jazz? (excited murmuring from the creature. Jazzy Squid plays. As he is playing Smelly's exterior breaks and reveals Squidward underneath) Squidward: (chuckles nervously) Um... hi.