Hogs And Kisses

"Hogs And Kisses"

Original Airdate: 30-OCT-1998 Written by David Brownfield. Directed by Jeff McCracken © Courtesy of scriptcrawler.net. Transcribed by N/A

Opening credits --

Scene one: Penbrooke Student Union. A girl signals with a movie clipboard for the scene of a film to take place.

Director: (OS) Alright. Everyone in place? Here we go. And action!

Cory and Topanga enter the union.

Topanga: Hello. I'm Topanga Lawrence.

Cory: Hi, I'm Cory Matthews. (stammering) We'll be hosting your host on this historic tour of Pennbrooke college.

Topanga: For over a century, Pennbrooke has become a place where thousands of students come each fall to embark on a journey.

Cory: A journey that will take them to a ugiverse of exciting experimences.

Topanga: So if Pennbrooke is the college of your choice...

Cory: Then, c'mon.

Director: Cut! Cut!

Cory: Where ya been? I stink! I-I-I think I said the word 'ugiverse!'

Director: Shall we try it one more time? Maybe Take 59 will be the charm.

Cory: No, no. I knew way back at Take 33, I was sucko. I quit.

Everyone cheers but Topanga speaks out.

Topanga: I don't understand. Cory and I were picked as the perfect freshmen couple because of our natural chemistry.

Director: Yeah. Where'd that go?

Shawn: Cory, don't leave yet. I want to hear you butcher the word 'curriculum.'

Cory: Oh, yeah? Well, if 'curriculum' is such an easy world, then let's hear you say it.

Shawn: Curriculum.

Cory: Wow.

Director: (pointing a mini-camera at Shawn) Do that again.

Shawn: Curriculum.

Director: Wow. I like it. Hey, you wouldn't possibly consider, uh...

Cory: What a great idea! Shawn, you can take my place.

Director: Perfect.

Shawn: Oh, uh, I-I don't know.

Topanga: I don't feel comfortable doing this unless Cory is going to do it.

Shawn: Cory, I can't be you.

Cory: Shawn, listen. I don't want to be responsible for ruining this film. Listen, you can take my place. Besides, Topanga we'll be here she'll make you feel comfortable.

Shawn: I think it's a bad idea.

Cory: Oh, when did I ever have a bad idea?

[Cut to the film that is made. Topanga is sitting on the couch with Shawn.]

Topanga: The social life at Pennbrooke University will lead to lifelong friendships. (smiles at Shawn) And, who knows? Maybe more. Right, honey?

Shawn: (chuckles and puts his arm around Topanga) That's right, Snookums. Why, I remember the first night we met: Right here in the newly remodeled student union paid for by a generous donation of Mrs. Stanley Candleman; class of '48.

Cory: Don't they look great together?

Director: Yeah, they really do.

Cory: I just meant they do. I don't mean they really do.

Topanga: In fact, many students wind up meeting their lifelong mates here at Pennbrooke.

Shawn: And while that may not be the number one reason to attend Pennbrooke college...

Topanga: It sure ranks high on our list. (smiles at Shawn)

Cory: Well, that went well.

Director: O.K., let's have a nice kiss.

Cory: What?

Director: Kiss her.

Cory: No! Don't!

Shawn and Topanga kiss.

Director: Come on. More heat! Come on. You're in love. Cory sees the film on the T.V. and hits it.

Cory: Less heat! Lesser!

Director: Oh, that's hot. That's very hot.

Cory grabs a bullhorn and runs over to Shawn and Topanga.

Cory: (through bullhorn) Cut! Cut! Cut! Back away from the girlfriend!

Commercial

Cory: (still speaking through the bullhorn) Who was that?!

Shawn: What?

Cory: What what? You know what! You kissed my girlfriend.

Shawn: (points at the director who is offscreen) He told me to!

Cory: If he told you to put a knife through my heart would you do it?

Shawn: It depends! Would you be yelling in my ear through a bullhorn at the time?

Cory gives the bullhorn back to the director.

Cory: I don't like that you kissed my girlfriend.

Shawn: It didn't mean anything.

Topanga: Cory, this is silly. Please don't go crazy over this. Please.

Cory: Please don't go crazy over this. Please.

Scene two: Cory's dorm room. Cory watches the tape of Shawn and Topanga kissing.

Cory: Oh, that's right. Kiss him again, yo little... Oh, you hurt me so bad. And you, you best friend gigalo homewrecker. Why don't you take her back to your tornado invested trailer park!!! Aah! (Rips apart his night shirt) TOPANGA!

Isaac, his neighbor in the next room hears him.

Isaac: (OS) Shut up!

Cory: You, shut up!

Isaac: No, you shut up!

Cory: No, you shut up!

Isaac: No, you!

Cory: You shut up first!

Isaac: No, you!

Cory: No, you! Come on! You want a piece of me? I'm not going anywhere! Come on!

His door is broken down and Cory finds himself facing a large tough guy.

Cory: (sounding similar to Elmer Fudd) Hewwo.

Scene three: Eric, Jack, and Rachel's apartment. The three of them are eating breakfast.

Jack: Mmm. This is good.

Eric: Ooh, Rachel. Another splash of tomato? (offers her a pitcher of tomato juice.)

Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. No, thanks, Eric. I really have to get to class.

Eric and Jack start clearing the table.

Eric: Oh, oh. Here you go. Let's get this.

Jack: Here you go.

Rachel: Oh, Jack, you really don't have to do that.

Jack: Are you kidding? I'm happy to do it. My first class doesn't start for another hour.

Eric: My first class is probably over by now.

Rachel: You know. Can't we just wait till we get home to do the dishes? (The guys clear off the tablecloth) You know, look you guys, if you're doing this for my benefit it really is not necessary.

Eric: For your benefit?

Jack: Doing this for you?

Eric: See, we do this for ourselves.

Jack: It's called personal pride.

Rachel: O.K., well, I'm going to class now.

Eric gives Rachel her bookbag.

Eric: Oh, here you go. Put the bag on there.

Rachel: Thanks.

Jack: (giving Rachel her lunchbag) Hey, have a great day.

Rachel: Thank you.

Jack: (Giving Rachel her books) Make a new friend. (Opens the door and speaks quietly) I'll get the door for you.

Rachel: Thanks (Both watch her leave and wave to her.) Bye.

After Rachel leaves, Eric belches.

Eric: Ooooh. I've been holding that in for three weeks.

Jack: She's killing us, man, with this cleaning and consideration.

Eric: I'm telling you something, manners blow.

Jack: 'If you're doing this for my benefit it really isn't necessary' my butt.

Eric: Hey, who does she think she is? We know what women expect. (starts drinking milk from the carton)

Jack: What? Do you think she's the first woman we've ever lived with?

Eric: Dude, I've lived with my mother for 18 years. (throws flowers out of a vase)

Jack: Women thrive on guys being all proper and crap.

Eric: Yeah, I'm tellin' you something. She don't wanna see the real us. (starts drinking water from the vase)

Jack: My mother never did.

Eric: Yep. Well, mother's can't leave. Hottie-hot roommates have no such allegiance.

Jack: You're right. You're right and if we want to keep Rachel here we can never, never show our real selves.

Eric: I love your mother.

Jack: Wait a minute. Rachel's not here anymore.

Eric: Ha! What are we still doing with our pants on?

Jack: After you.

Eric: Oh, why thank you.

Both sit down to take off their pants.

Scene four: Cory and Isaac are watching the tape and sobbing.

Cory: (Turns of the T.V.) Tramped, man!

Isaac: I hear you brother.

Cory: I never saw it coming, Isaac.

Isaac: You can't blame yourself, little buddy. The same thing happened to me once.

Cory: Topanga!

Isaac: Fred!

Cory gives Isaac a funny look.

Scene five: Pennbrooke student union. Shawn is asleep on the couch when Topanga walks in.

Topanga: Shawn, wake up.

Shawn does.

Shawn: No, clown! No!

Topanga: (sits next to him) You slept on the couch?

Shawn: Oh, yeah. I had to. He, uh, he installed a deadbolt.

Topanga: Yeah, I know. He's been avoiding me since the incident too. What do you think his next move's going to be?

Shawn: Well, you know him as well as I do.

Topanga: Yeah, he's probably going to let it eat at him all night.

Shawn: Yeah. By now, he's way out of control.

Cory walks in.

Cory: Well, it's probably no surprise to you that I've had a long, hard night and a lot of time to think. You're thinking that the crazy little man would dwell and stew and blow all this horribly out of proportion. But, I want you to know that I've worked through it, I'm fine and I am a happy healthy Cory, and I just want to ask one thing. What's this?

Topanga: No, Cory, we were just...

Cory pulls off the blanket and notices Shawn's boxer shorts.

Cory: Undahpants!

Shawn: I always sleep like this.

Cory: UNDERPANTS!

Shawn: Oh, here we go.

Cory: O.K., here's how we're going to handle this. Now it's very clear that the two of you have had a lot of hidden sexual tension for the last 15 years.

Shawn: No, we haven't.

Cory: I am speaking now! Now there is one solution to this and one solution only.

Topanga growls.

Cory: I want you two to go out on a date.

Shawn: What are you talking about?

Cory: You're going out on a date and you're going to explore your feelings.

Topanga: There are no feelings.

Cory: There are feelings. Maybe you don't think there are feelings, but the tape says there are. I should know. I watched it 512 times. You know, when you kissed each other, you felt something. You both did.

Shawn: We're not going out on a date.

Cory: You're going to go out on a date. Otherwise it's going to haunt us for the rest of our lives.

Topanga: Why does everything have to haunt us for the rest of our lives.

Cory: Undahpants!

Shawn: Would you go out on a date with me?

Topanga: Yes.

Cory: I knew it!

Commercial

Scene five: Angela's dorm room. There is a knock on her door.

Angela: Come in.

Cory comes in.

Angela: Hey.

Cory: Hey. What are you studying.

Angela: White history. You know, you people contributed quite a bit to this country.

Cory: Thanks, but I got my own problems. (closes Angela's book) Now I've kept you in the dark about this, because even though you and Shawn broke up, I know how much you still care about him.

Angela nods.

Cory: And you of course, know how much I care about that betraying witch of a girl...

Angela: Get to the point.

Cory: Shawn and Topanga are out on a date.

Angela laughs.

Angela: They would never do that.

Cory: It's true.

Angela: Well, why would they...

Cory: Because I made the reservation.

Angela: Well, what...

Cory: And I paid for it.

Angela: Well, why did you...

Cory: I ordered the suflee in advance.

Angela: Why?

Cory: Because, you have to do that sort of thing, Angela.

Angela: Cory, why?

Cory: I don't know! Call the restuarant! Gosh, the love of my life is out with my best friend and you want to discuss dessert policy. Jeez, you're annoying!

Angela: Cory, is this still about this kiss?

Cory: Wait a minute. She told you about it? Well, that means it must have meant something to her. Let me ask you this: In all the time that you were with Shawn, did he ever call out the name Topanga.

Angela: No, but he called out the name Cory.

Cory: In, in what context?

Angela: In the context of how stupid you are.

Cory: No, no, no, no. You weren't there, Angela. You didn't see them kiss each other.

Angela: It was a movie!

Cory: There was passion.

Angela: (laughing) They were acting. They were pretending.

Cory: They weren't pretending! I know when Topanga pretends! I've been there.

Angela: Oh, Cory, you have nothing to worry about. They're going to go out on this date, spend the evening talking about you and have a terrible time.

Cory: You really think so?

Angela: I know so.

Cory: All right. Thanks a lot, Angela. You're really great to talk to.

Topanga: (OS) Ha, ha. You are so funny, Shawn.

Shawn: (OS) Oh, stop.

Cory: You, moron!

Cory leaves Angela's room. Meanwhile Shawn and Topanga enter Cory's room leading up to scene which is the reason this episode probably won't be shown on the Disney channel.

Shawn: He's not here. Let's go in.

Topanga: Okay, but we should put a rubber band on the door just in case her comes back.

Shawn holds the door open for Topanga.

Shawn: After you.

They go in. Cory stops to listen at the door.

Shawn: This is the greatest night I've had in a long time. I mean to realize how we feel about each other after all these years.

Topanga: We should thank Cory.

Shawn: Topanga, I'm not sure we should be doing this. After all, he's my best friend.

Cory smiles.

Topanga: Hey, he's my fiancee and I'm fine with it.

Cory's smile vanishes. The inside of the room is shown where Shawn and Topanga are reading scripts.

Shawn: You're right. We can't fight when we've been fighting for 15 years.

Topanga: I'm just not strong enough anymore.

Shawn: I can't just sit here and watch your beautiful skin and silky hair and perfect face and long, long legs (Shawn drops some pages of his script)

Topanga: Isn't there anything you want to say about my eyes?

Shawn: (picking up script and putting the pages in order) Yes, yes. The number of eyes... on your face...

Cut to Cory listening at the door.

Shawn: That's, um. That's, that's, that's nice.

Topanga: Nice?

Shawn: Yes, but enough about your eyes. (grabs a paddle ball racket) How do you like what I'm doing to you right now? (starts whipping the paddle ball)

Topanga: Ooh, Topanga like. How do you like what I'm doing to you? (Pushes a button on something and it moos. I'm not exactly sure what that was)

Cory is shown at the door again.

Shawn: Oh, more, more!

Topanga: (ringing a bell) Oh, Shawn.

Toy recording: Oh, Shawn. Oh, Shawn.

There are bells and alarm sounds. Shawn starts ringing a bigger bell than the one Topanga was using. A depressed Cory walks away. Topanga and Shawn both come out and yell:

Topanga and Shawn: Surprise!

Topanga: Where did he go?

Scene six: Eric, Jack, and Rachel's apartment. They are eating dinner at a very fancily set table.

Eric: Mmm. Nice spaghetti, Jack.

Jack: Thank you, Eric. Lovely job on the mashed potatoes.

Eric: Oh, and where did you get this gravy? Heaven?

Rachel sadly looks at them.

Jack: You know. Funny story. I was watching Martha Stewart today and I got a lovely tip on how to freshen our potpourri with cranberries and lilac petal.

Eric: Oh, yes. I saw that one.

Jack: Oh.

Eric: How was your day, Rachel.

Rachel: I had lunch with a friend. We put our elbows on the table and we ate with our fingers.

She does exactly as she says. Eric and Jack laugh and then sigh.

Rachel: You guys don't think I know what you're doing?

Jack: What are you talking about, doing?

Rachel: Well, you actually think that I think that you live like this? You're just treating me differently because I'm a woman.

Jack: Shows how much you know. What, you think you're the first woman we've ever lived with.

Rachel: Besides your mothers, yes.

Eric: Is that an accurate count, Jack?

Jack: I stayed with Nana BooBoo once. Now there's a woman.

Rachel: I hate this! It's like I have to be on my best behavior. It's like I'm living with my mother.

Eric: Actually, do you have a picture of your mother? No reason.

Rachel: You know what? I can't do this. I can't. You have to be yourselves so I can be myself.

Jack: (whispers to Eric) If she's telling the truth our lives are perfect.

Eric: Yeah, well. She's not. She's testing us. Just stick with the plan.

Rachel: Stop! Stop planning! And, ooh. Stop acting like I can't hear you.

Eric: That's insane.

Rachel starts painting Eric's face with a meatball.

Eric: Apparently, I got meatball on my face.

Jack: Martha Stewart says a lovely blend of bleach and turpentine really clears that up.

Rachel dumps the plate of spaghetti on Jack. Jack sighs.

Eric: Stick with the plan...

Rachel throws spaghetti at Eric.

Eric: (cont'd) No matter what happens.

Rachel puts her feet on the table.

Rachel: Oh, do I have my feet on the table? You know what? My mother always says never put your feet on the table... (Puts her feet in the sauce) unless they're covered in marinara sauce.

Rubs her feet on Eric's sweater and on his face.

Eric: Right away I don't like the way this is going.

Both guys laugh. Rachel hits Jack with a piece of garlic bread or something like that.

Jack: That's it!

She throws more at him.

Eric: New plan!

The spaghetti fight begins. When Eric and Jack throw spaghetti at Rachel, she starts screaming.

Rachel: (throwing spaghetti back at them) You jerk!

Eric: No! No! Oh!

Rachel: Stupid! I'm going to kill you!

Eric and Jack dump the rest of the sauce on Rachel. Rachel starts pushing Jack and dumps his head in a sauce bowl.

Jack: Pie her! Pie her! Pie her!

Eric: Pie!

Rachel: Yeah, don't treat me special because I'm a woman!

Eric: (grabbing a cream pie) She's right.

Rachel: I'm not your mother. I'm your roommate.

Eric: Yeah!

Rachel: Now, hit Jack with the pie.

Eric does.

Rachel: (pointing her finger at Eric) And when I get out of the shower, I expect this place clean.

Eric and Jack: Yes, mommy.

Rachel takes some cream from the pie off Jack's face with her finger and tastes it.

Rachel: Good pie.

Jack: What happened?

Eric: You know, I don't know. But I think we won.

Takes some pie off Jack's face with a fork and tastes it.

Scene seven: The dorm hall. Cory and Angela head to Cory's dorm room.

Cory: I heard sounds, Angela. Forbidden sounds. I think there was a cow in there.

Angela: Cory, you're letting your imagination run away with you.

Cory: Really? Go ahead. Tell me there's nothing going on in there. Go ahead.

Angela: There's nothing going on in there.

Cory: Oh, no. They're nestling.

Angela: I'm opening the door.

She does.

Cory: No. I don't want to see!

She walks into an empty room. Cory follows.

Cory: There's no one here.

Angela: Of course not. We're talking about Shawn and Topanga. They don't care about each other because they care about you.

Cory: No, Angela. You are thinking about this too logically and this defies logic. This is raw, hot, unfiltered passion and that kiss opened the gates.

Angela: There are no gates.

Cory: Oh, there are gates.

Angela: Cory, don't we know each other a long time?

Cory: Yeah.

Angela: Well, is there any tension between us?

Cory: Well... There was that one time that you didn't get me a gift for my birthday. I mean, I didn't say anything, but ooh.

Angela: Not that kind of tension.

Cory: Oh, you mean...

Angela: I mean have you ever thought of me in a way other than just a friend?

Cory: Never!

Angela: Tell the truth.

Cory: One time.

Angela: Really?

Cory: Yeah, but it wasn't my fault. See, I had a dream and you were in it.

Angela: Was it a good dream?

Cory: (smiles) Yes.

Angela: Was it real?

Cory: No.

Angela: Neither was the kiss.

Cory: (starts stammering again) Yeah, but, but, they... It happened and they felt something.

Angela: How do you know?

Cory: Because you can't do something like that without feeling anything.

Angela: Even if they're just friends?

Cory: Yeah.

Angela: O.K.

She pushes Cory onto his bed.

Cory: Oh, no. It's the dream.

She lies next to Cory and kisses him.

Cory: Wow!

Angela: What?

Cory: Nothing.

Angela: No, tell me.

Cory: No, I mean. I-I-I felt nothing. I mean it-it felt good and everything, but not...

Angela: Like you and Topanga.

Cory: Yeah. Not like me and Topanga.

Angela: Well, that's because you love Topanga, Cory and when you're with her you feel something for her and that's why it doesn't matter that she kissed Shawn because she only feels something for you.

Cory: So even a kiss like you and I just had is just a kiss between friends...

Angela: Because you don't love me.

Cory: Yeah. Sorry.

Angela: Well, it's okay. I've been getting a lot of that lately.

Cory: Well, you don't deserve it. You know you're a great person. Thanks for talking me down.

Angela: Come here.

They gently hug. Angela sighs.

Cory: Hey!

Angela: What?

Cory: What about when I walked in and Shawn was in his underpants?

Angela: Cory, if you're going to spend the rest of your life with Topanga, don't you think you should trust her more?

Cory: Oh, noboby would trust anybody they caught in such a compromising position.

Topanga comes in.

Topanga: There you are. We've been looking all over for you.

Cory: I can explain.

Topanga: Shawn, I found him. He's in bed with Angela.

Shawn comes in.

Shawn: Oh, they're so cute.

Shawn and Topanga jump on them.

Shawn and Topanga: Huhhhh!

Commercial

Scene eight: Eric and Jack are waiting for Rachel to come out of the shower. Both are holding cream pies. They're still covered with spaghetti and sauce from the food fight.

Eric: Make fools out of us, will she?

Jack: Wants us to behave like ourselves, does she?

Eric: I think we're going to smoke her when she gets out of that shower.

Jack: Oh, yeah.

Eric: Whoo! Whoo!

Jack motions for Eric to hush. They look around.

Jack: *sigh* She's been there an awful long time, hasn't she?

Eric: Yeah, well, you know women. They like to loofah.

Jack: Takes longer?

Eric: Oh, yeah, but think about it. The cleaner she is, the better it's going to be. Whoo!

Jack: Yeah!

Run credits.

Jack: She's been in there an awfully long time.

Eric: Yeah, but she's got to come out here some time, doesn't she?

Jack: And when she does, we will be ready.

Eric: Are we going to be here?

Jack: Oh, yeah.

Eric: I think we are.

Jack: Yes.

Eric: I think we are.

Jack: Yeah!

Eric: Yeah! We'll wait here a hundred years if we have to.

Jack: Yeah.

Flash forward to "A HUNDRED YEARS LATER." Eric and Jack are now skeletons holding pies.

Rachel: I'll be out in a minute.

End Of Show