Stinker Belle

(Setting: Odiferus)

Abu: Ooo...

Aladdin: Isn't this exciting, Jasmine? Odiferus — land of barbarians, strange customs, cheese...

Iago: (almost gets run over by a yak) Awk! Yak-inflicted casualties. Get a haircut, you freak!

(A man walks by rolling a huge cheese.)

Jasmine: Uh, I don't know what's stronger, the musclemen — ugh — or the smell of cheese. Excuse me, but do you know where we might find Prince Uncouthma?

Man:  You must be the flimsy friends. (blows a horn)

(In another part of town, Uncouthma hears the horn and steps out of his castle.)

Uncouthma: Oh! Flimsy friends have arrived for my wedding! Ha ha! Take me to them!

(Two guards pick up Uncouthma)

Guards: Swiftly, Prince Uncouthma! (throw him up into the air)

(Aladdin and the others are still covering their ears from the loud sound of the horn.)

Aladdin: Look!

Iago: What?! I can't hear you! Something popped!

Uncouthma: (falling toward them) Greetings, flimsy friends!

Iago: (to Aladdin) Did you say something? (Aladdin taps his shoulder and points to Uncouthma)We're gonna die!

(The man catches Uncouthma.)

Man:  I am honored to receive you, Prince Uncouthma.

Uncouthma: May your onions rot early, faithful citizen. Send for my vizier!

(The man blows the horn again and the Agrabanians cover their ears.)

Uncouthma: Kind Aladdin, fair Jasmine, how good to see you again. Oh, you look as ripe as yesterday's mildew!

Aladdin: We are honored to be here, Uncouthma.

Uncouthma: Ah, I see you've brought the woven friend.

Jasmine: (to Aladdin) Yesterday's mildew?

Uncouthma: Uh oh, the grumpy bird.

Iago: How's it goin', o Lord of the Flies?

Uncouthma: Oh, please, no formalities. Just Uncouthma, please. Oh, I missed even the grumpy bird! (hugs them all)

Iago: Uh, my spine...

Uncouthma: Ah, you bear gifts for my wedding!

Jasmine: (holds out a bottle) Yes, some Oil of Bombay.

Uncouthma: (opens the bottle and sniffs it) Perfect. Fertilizer for our moss gardens.

Jasmine: Fertilizer? But it's bath oil. Lavender?

Aladdin: Relax, we're in Odiferus. Just do the barbarian thing.

(Abu is stealing some cheese.)

Uncouthma: Ha ha! And you, tiniest friend Abu! Eat! Eat!

Abu: Ooo! (eats the cheese)

Uncouthma: It is fortunate I allowed you to steal her from me, eh? Ha ha ha.

Aladdin: Yes, fortunate.

Uncouthma: True, my heart muscle was broken, but tomorrow, I marry my rightful companion!

Aladdin: And  that  is good.

Uncouthma: Yes!

(A man falls screaming out of the sky and Uncouthma catches him.)

Uncouthma: Frail friends, meet my frail vizier!

Runta: Ahem. Premier Grand Marshal Frail Vizier Runta.

Uncouthma: Well spoken, Runta! He is grand of speech but slight of size.

Iago: You're not from around here, are you?

Runta: What do you mean?! Are you mocking my stature?!

Iago: Oh no! I'd never mock the stature of a great big guy like you.

Uncouthma: It's hard to believe the blood of a barbarian flows through these tender veins, eh? Runta is good friend, Aladdin is good friend. You will like each other. Eh, you will talk about things slight people talk about. But first, worthy town-dweller, take us to my bride-to-be.

Man:  You have but to ask, my prince. (he picks up Jasmine; she shrieks)

Aladdin: Wow, someone's really gonna catch us?

Jasmine: Aladdin!

Aladdin: I mean, Uncouthma, I think we'd rather, uh, walk.

Uncouthma: Seems odd, but, come, we meet my intended.

(The man puts Jasmine down.)

Jasmine: Thank you.

Aladdin: Jasmine, I thought you were open-minded.

Jasmine: I am; I'm just not crazy-minded.

(Everyone but Runta leaves.)

Runta: "You have such tender veins, Runta"... I hate him. (takes out a trumpet and blows it)Zeebu!

(A tiny yak comes toward Runta.)

Runta: Look at him, Zeebu. The oaf prince of Odiferus. But not for long. The time has come to mash him, so that I may seize power and stand tall! Figure of speech.

(Setting: a yak farm)

Uncouthma: Behold, the great yak farm of Odiferus. All cheese begins here.

Iago: Oh yeah, this aughta smell great.

Uncouthma: And there is the delicate flower who stole my heart muscle.

(Brawnhilda blows him a kiss.)

Jasmine: She's pretty!

(Brawnhilda uproots a tree.)

Aladdin: Pretty strong!

(Later that day; Brawnhilda is milking a yak)

Uncouthma: From the milk of a yak our cheese is made, as only Brawnhilda can.

Brawnhilda: My love for you is stronger than any cheese, poopie-woopie. Tomorrow we will wed, and all this will be yours.

(Runta and Zeebu are hiding in a barn.)

Runta: He who rules the cheese rules Odiferus. (laughs) But with Uncouthma out of the way, I will marry Brawnhilda, and the cheese of Odiferus will be mine.

(Runta takes out a spider on the end of a spatula and holds it in front of Zeebu, who is frightened of it.)

Runta: Zeebu! Don't be a scaredy-yak like the others. Heh heh heh. Perfect.

(Runta flips the spider onto the nose of the yak nearest Uncouthma, who rears up on its hind legs, frightened, and kicks Uncouthma into the barn, knocking it down.)

Jasmine: Uncouthma!

Iago: Yak stampede!

(The yak almost runs over Jasmine, but Aladdin pushes her out of the way, and he and Abu end up hanging on to the yak's horns.)

Aladdin: Whoa! Stop!

Brawnhilda: Aladdin is in danger. He needs me.

Aladdin: Genie!

(Genie appears wearing a bib and holding a bowl of soup.)

Genie: Ah, happens every time. Sit down for a bowl of soup, someone goes yak-back riding. Okay, let's see what we've got here. (turns into a toreador and grabs the magic carpet) Toro! Toro!

(The yak runs him over.)

Genie: (delirious) Shall we dance?

(Brawnhilda grabs the yak by the tail and tries to stop it as it approaches a cliff. She climbs up on the yak's back and saves Aladdin, but not Abu.)

Abu: Hey!

(The yak jumps off the cliff, but Genie, who has turned into several firemen with a net, catches it and Abu. One of them tries to pull the frightened Abu off of the yak's horn.)

Genie: Get the crowbar! We've got a clinger!

(Jasmine searches the ruins of the barn for Uncouthma.)

Iago: It's an omen. We should leave Odiferus as soon as possible.

Jasmine: Uncouthma!

(Uncouthma pushes his way out from under the wood and thatch.)

Uncouthma: Bad yak!

Iago: Not soon enough.

Jasmine: You're all right!

(Zeebu pulls Runta out of the wreckage.)

Runta: The plan has failed, Zeebu. The man-oaf lives.

(Brawnhilda is carrying Aladdin.)

Brawnhilda: Dainty-cakes, you're hurt.

Aladdin: It's just an abrasion. I can walk. Really.

Brawnhilda: I have never seen a man so frail... and so cute.

Aladdin: (laughs nervously) Thank you?

(Setting: later, inside an Odiferan church. Aladdin, Jasmine, Abu, and Iago are sitting in the first row, looking up at a yak hanging from the ceiling by a rope.)

Iago: Ooh, how versatile yaks are. Y'know, I thought all they did was smell.

Man sitting behind them:  The floating yak is an age-old symbol of good luck!

Iago: Hey, were we talkin' to you? I don't think so.

Aladdin: (pouting) Yaks are good luck? Not for me.

Jasmine: Relax, we're in Odiferus. Do the barbarian thing.

(Uncouthma walks down the aisle towards the altar. The crowd cheers and throws cheese at him.)

(Runta stands behind the altar. He looks toward a window, where Zeebu is peering inside. Next to the window, the rope holding the floating yak up is tied to the wall.)

(Brawnhilda comes down the aisle in her wedding dress. Just before she reaches the altar, she turns and blows a kiss to Aladdin. Jasmine glares at him.)

Aladdin: Uh, local custom?

(Runta signals to Zeebu, who starts chewing through the rope.)

Runta: (speaking quickly) Does anyone know of a reason why this man Uncouthma and this woman Brawnhilda should not be married? No? Oh well, then we'll just go on to the next part of the ceremony—

Brawnhilda: Wait! I... wish to marry another.

Uncouthma: What?!

Aladdin: Now?!

Runta: Who?!

Brawnhilda: (picks up Aladdin) Him!

Aladdin: Me?!

(Brawnhilda pushes Uncouthma away from the altar. Everyone in the church gasps.)

Iago: Don't do it, Al! She's got a better palace!

(Runta signals to Zeebu to stop chewing the rope, since Uncouthma is no longer underneath the floating yak.)

Uncouthma: First Friend Aladdin steals Princess Jasmine, now Friend Aladdin steals fair Brawnhilda! This is not a good friendship!

(Uncouthma tries to punch Aladdin, but Brawnhilda stops him.)

Brawnhilda: Uncouthma, no! I love the puny one!

(Runta signals Zeebu to start chewing again.)

Runta: Does anyone know a reason why this man Aladdin and this woman Brawnhilda should not be married—

Aladdin: Wait! This is ridiculous! (pushes Uncouthma next to Brawnhilda at the altar). This is where you belong! (runs away)

(The rope snaps, and the yak falls down onto Uncouthma. There is a giant crater in the stone floor.)

Aladdin: Uncouthma!

Jasmine: Uncouthma!

Runta: Did you see that? The yak just fell!

Genie: (looking at the cut rope with a magnifying glass) Hmm, yak bite. (sees Zeebu at the window) Yak!

Runta: (takes Brawnhilda's hand) Is there anything I can do?

(Brawnhilda turns up her nose at him and walks toward Aladdin.)

Brawnhilda: Are you all right, my paltry darling?

Aladdin: But the yak hit Uncouthma!

(The yak jumps out of the crater. Uncouthma stands up, unharmed.)

Uncouthma: Bad yak!

Aladdin: Uncouthma's all right?!

Brawnhilda: Of course he is. Odiferan men are strong, invincible... boring. Not helpless like you! Come, we shall be wed! (hugs Aladdin)

Aladdin: But, I can't marry you, I love Jasmine! (runs to Jasmine and hides behind her) Jasmine, help!

Jasmine: Um, he he loves me, I mean, we love each other.

Aladdin: Yeah!

Brawnhilda: I respect your love for the puny one, but you are so wispy! He needs a protector. He needs me! (picks up Aladdin and carries him away)

Jasmine: (whispering) Aladdin, we're in Odiferus. We can't cause any trouble between our kingdoms. I'll talk to Prince Uncouthma and straighten things out.

Aladdin: What do I do in the meantime?

Jasmine: (shrugs) The... barbarian thing?

(Aladdin looks horrified.)

(Scene: that night, by a lake. Aladdin and Brawnhilda approach in a yak-drawn carriage.)

Brawnhilda: When we are married, this will all be yours!

(Genie and Iago, magically disguised as frogs, are watching the scene.)

Iago: Look, when you said we were havin' frogs' legs tonight, I expected something in a nice oyster sauce. I shoulda known!

Genie: We've gotta keep an eye on Al. Someone's trying to kill 'im. A homicidal yak, I think. Mean little guy...

(Genie catches a passing fly with his tongue, then spits it out. The fly turns out to be Abu, who chatters angrily at Genie.)

Genie: Oh, sorry. Force of habit. See anything unusual?

(Runta and Zeebu are also hiding in the lake.)

Runta: How accommodating. Brawnhilda should choose a groom much easier to mash. Zeebu! Release the saber-toothed swamp hog.

(Zeebu pulls a chain hidden in the lake. A crate lid floats to the surface, and something growls.)

Aladdin: Look, if you want someone who can't defend himself, I am not your guy! I, uh, fought more monsters than anyone I know! Yeah, the master monster hunter, that's what they call me! I never lose.

(The swamp hog jumps out of the lake and pounces on Aladdin.)

Genie: Hang in there, Al! (turns into a general, riding in a tank) We'll storm the beaches! (the tank gets stuck in the mud) After we call the auto club.

Aladdin: (inside the boar's mouth) I can handle it! Really! Do  not  help me! (it closes its mouth on him)

Brawnhilda: Aladdin needs me!

(Brawnhilda tackles the boar and pries its mouth open, then pulls Aladdin out.)

Runta: Pest.

(Brawnhilda continues wrestling the boar, and they both roll into the lake. Genie approaches them dressed as a lumberjack riding a floating log.)

Genie: Hog wrestlin'? Hot diggity!

(Brawnhilda spins the boar around over her head, then throws it at Genie. Genie falls into the lake, splashing mud on Abu and Iago.)

Genie: I want a rematch!

Brawnhilda: (carrying Aladdin) Mm, my puny little defenseless man. How I love you!

(Setting: Uncouthma's palace. Uncouthma looks miserable, and is stuffing his face with food.)

Uncouthma: (with his mouth full) My delicate flower is gone. My heart muscle is broken. I have nothing to live for. Ooh, except maybe pies. (eats a pie in one bite)

Jasmine: Do you love Brawnhilda?

Uncouthma: (still eating) Mm hmm.

Jasmine: Then, don't just sit there eating away your sorrows. Show her you care! Fight to win her back!

Uncouthma: Fight? Yes! I will fight to win her back!

(Brawnhilda enters, still carrying Aladdin.)

Aladdin: I can walk, really!

Uncouthma: Former friend Aladdin, we will fight for fair Brawnhilda's hand!

Aladdin: What?!

Jasmine: No, that's not what I meant!

Uncouthma: We fight at noon in the Ring of Brute Force. It is unfortunate,  former  friend Aladdin, but one of us must die!

(Aladdin and Jasmine gasp.)

(Setting: The Ring of Brute Force, a circle of standing stones. Many Odiferans have shown up to watch. Uncouthma and Aladdin are putting on armor.)

Brawnhilda: (to Aladdin) The Ring of Brute Force is an ancient Odiferan custom. This time I cannot protect you, frail darling. (kisses him on the cheek) But every bruise will make you more precious to me. (waves goodbye to him and leaves)

Aladdin: (angrily) Bruise? Uncouthma is going to destroy me!

Aladdin and Jasmine:  (together) This is bad.

Jasmine: It's my fault. I made things worse!

Aladdin: No, I'm the one who wanted to "do the barbarian thing". Well now, I'm doing it, that's for sure.

Jasmine: (gets an idea) Carpet! Get inside!

(Carpet flies into Aladdin's oversized armor.)

Aladdin: What are you doing?

Jasmine: Barbarian-proofing you.

(Setting: in a kitchen inside the palace. Runta opens the oven and removes two cylindrical cheeses.)

Runta: (to Zeebu) It is the most volatile cheese compound ever created. I call it Baked Kaboom.

(He takes two mallets off a rack, removes the handles, and sticks them into the cheeses.)

Runta: The moment these hammer heads collide, ka-bang! And the prince and Aladdin will be... kaput. (paints the cheeses black, so that they look like normal mallets) With both of them out of the way, I'll be one eligible bachelor.

(Runta leaves, carrying the mallets. He passes a table covered with food. After he's gone, the cooked pig on the table turns into Genie, a fish turns into Abu, and a roast pheasant turns into Iago.)

Iago: Why did I have to be the roast pheasant? I think that was a little close to home.

Genie: Did you hear that?

(Abu chatters frantically.)

Genie: Yeah! We've gotta get to Al before shorty does!

Runta: (riding Zeebu, they are approaching the door of the palace) Remember, the slightest impact could ka-bang us into tiny bits!

Guards: (picking up Runta and Zeebu) We are honored to transport you, Premier Grand Marshall Vizier Runta!

Runta: No no! No! Aaaah!

(Runta and Zeebu fly through the air toward Uncouthma, who catches them.)

Uncouthma: (looks up) Ah, weapons! (catches the mallets) Come, we battle!

(Aladdin and Uncouthma enter the ring riding yaks. Runta hands Aladdin a mallet, then quickly gets away from him.)

Runta: Let the battle begin!

(Uncouthma charges at Aladdin. Genie appears on Aladdin's shoulder.)

Genie: Pst! Al! We need to talk! Someone's trying to kill you!

Aladdin: No kidding!

Genie: Actually, someone's trying to kill  him, too.

Aladdin: Try telling him that.

(Genie disappears, then reappears in front of Uncouthma's yak.)

Genie: Prince Uncouthma! (is trampled by the yak, then reappears back in front of it) I really need to talk— (is trampled again)

(Uncouthma's yak catches up with Aladdin's. Uncouthma jumps onto Aladdin's yak with him and tries to hit him with the mallet, but Carpet, still hidden in Aladdin's armor, lifts him up and carries him onto the back of other yak.)

Brawnhilda: (watching with Jasmine) Look how he flees! So delicate!

Aladdin: Thanks, Carpet!

(Carpet reaches a tassel out of the armor and gives him a thumbs up.)

Aladdin: Uncouthma, really, it's a misunderstanding!

Uncouthma: A flimsy excuse! (swings at Aladdin)

Aladdin: Now, Carpet!

(Carpet lifts Aladdin into the air to avoid Uncouthma's mallet.)

Uncouthma: (impressed) Ooh, the brittle one possesses excellent defensive techniques. I must become a ruthless killing machine!

Genie: (as cheerleaders) Okay! Aladdin! Uncouthma! Heroes (unintelligible)! Runta's out to blow you up with exploding mallets! Yay!

(Aladdin and Uncouthma look shocked.)

Runta: That's preposterous!

Genie: Allow me. (takes Aladdin's mallet and throws it far away, where it explodes)

(Uncouthma glares at Runta.)

Runta: Heh, heh. Hello!

Uncouthma: I am having bad luck with friends.

Runta: Zeebu! Flee with my life!

(Zeebu carries Runta away; Uncouthma chases him on foot.)

Aladdin: Come on, Carpet!

(Carpet, still inside the armor, lifts Aladdin up into the air and chases after Runta.)

Aladdin: We've almost got 'im! (crashes into a standing stone) I guess you can't see too well in there, Carpet.

Uncouthma: (still chasing) I shall administer justice!

Aladdin: Uncouthma, the mallet! Carpet, let's go!

Jasmine: (to Brawnhilda) What do we do?

Brawnhilda: After them!

Guards: As you command, fair princess! (they throw Brawnhilda into the air)

Jasmine: No, wait, don't! Aaaah! (is thrown after Brawnhilda)

(Runta has almost reached the palace. Genie, dressed as a policeman, has caught up with him.)

Genie: Hey, buddy, pull it over! (crashes into a man rolling a giant cheese)

Aladdin: There they are! Down there, Carpet! No, the other way! No, turn around! (he ends up upside-down) Argh!

Genie: (gets on top of the giant cheese) Pardon me, official business! (rolls after Runta) I say there! Give yourselves up!

(Runta grabs a spear and sticks it into the cheese, sending Genie flying. Genie almost crashes into a yak.) Alley-oop!

Aladdin: No, Carpet, my left!

Iago: Al, you gotta steer like this, with your tailfeath— eh, your rudder.

Brawnhilda: Darling! (falls out of the air and lands on Aladdin, knocking him to the ground)

Uncouthma: I cannot bear to look!

Jasmine: Somebody catch me!

(Uncouthma throws his mallet away and catches Jasmine. Iago catches the mallet with his teeth, and struggles to stay in the air while carrying it. Aladdin gets up and runs after Runta. A hay cart gets between them, and Aladdin crashes into it.)

Aladdin: Genie!

Genie: He's mine, Al! (turns into a girl with a bonnet) Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey—

Aladdin: (angrily) Genie!

Genie: Wait for it. Eating her curds and whey! Along came a spider...

Abu: Hey! (is changed into a spider and lands on Zeebu's nose)

(Zeebu is frightened and shakes his nose, throwing Runta to the ground)

Runta: (lying hurt on the ground) Bad yak...

(Uncouthma takes the mallet from Iago.)

Iago: (exhausted) Wow... (falls to the ground)

Uncouthma: (to Runta) Because of you I have lost a bride-to-be and a good friend!

Runta: Easy with that!

Uncouthma: (looks at the mallet) Oops! Forgot. (sees spider-Abu on the ground) Ick! Spider! (starts to hit him with the mallet)

(Runta runs away, and Genie grabs Abu and moves him out of the way. Uncouthma's mallet hits the ground and explodes.)

Aladdin: Uncouthma!

Jasmine: Oh no!

Uncouthma: Whoa...

Brawnhilda: My frail darling!

Aladdin: I'm fine, really! Aah!

Brawnhilda: (pushes him out of the way) Not you! Uncouthma needs me!

Uncouthma: Oh, I have never known such pain.

Brawnhilda: Oh, Uncouthma, you are frail!

Uncouthma: Ouch! I mean the pain in my heart muscle from losing you.

Brawnhilda: I will never leave my frail Goliath again.

(Scene: later, Uncouthma and Brawnhilda are wearing their wedding clothes. Runta is performing their wedding ceremony from behind bars.)

Runta: I now pronounce you barbarian and wife.

(They kiss, Abu throws cheese at them.)

Aladdin: Well, we're in Odiferus...

Jasmine: Let's... do the barbarian thing. (kisses him)

THE END