The One That Got Away

What What's What's going on? Roger, we have to talk. This family has a problem. Finally! We can get this all out in the open. I'll start. Klaus, you're useless and everyone hates you. No, Roger. This is about you. The last 2 months, your selfish behaviour has gotten out of control. Stan, tell him. For starters, you constantly raid the fridge and drink all my Five Alive. You take our clothes without asking and then disappear all day so you can run around as one of your ridiculous personas. I regret my dance card is filled for the evening, but there's always the Spring Cotillion. I'll tell you what I think. I think you hide behind all these disguises so you don't have to face that the real you is an inconsiderate jerk. It doesn't matter how you treat people when you could blame it on Professor Edelstein or ATNT operator Shalanda Dykes. Speaking of which, that credit for my Friends and Family Plan hasn't shown up on my bill. That credit was generated after your last statement, it'll show up on your next bill. Okay, thank you. - Thank you for chosing ATNT. - Enough! You have been treating us like doormats, and we're sick and tired of it. I hear you. I hear you loud and clear. And I guess all I can say is, "Eat my dust!" - He's getting away! - Stop him! For God's sake. Roger, get up! My tequila! That worm had a name! If you will excuse me, I am late for my daughter's arranged wedding. She will learn to love him. That was a waste of time. Hey, what's this? An old game I found under the couch when we moved it. Simon? - Is that Simon? - What's Simon? Only the best game ever! It's totally addictive. Watch. Wait, you haven't seen the yellow light yet. There's a yellow light. A case of whiskey and a Modern Bride, my good man. I'm a woman. I don't want to fight, just run the card, dude. - It says it's declined. - Impossible! Your manish fingers just hit the wrong buttons. - Declined. - That's strange. Well, I guess I'll just go put these things in my house! Your card was declined because you exceeded your credit limit. That's impossible! You did just make a big purchase. I see a diamond ring for $5,000. What? It was purchased by a co-signer on your account. Sidney Huffman. Co-signer? I never authorized a co-signer. Sir! I can't have you lying on the floor and making phone calls. Roger, I'm afraid you may be right. I think the family hates me. Hate is a strong word. And accurate. But you can still salvage my love by finding my other glove. I can never find it and what I'm about to embark on requires leaving no fingerprints. - What do you mean? - I'm gonna get even with that scumbag who added his name on my credit card. Time to dish out a little street justice. Death Wish style. Death Wish was a movie. Starring Charles Bronson. He had a mustache. I've found out where this Sidney guy works, where he lives, even his phone number. Voice mail. Sidney, this is Roger Smith. You screwed with the wrong guy. Prepare to have your life destroyed! Now, did you find my glove? It's like you want to be kicked out of this family. Of course, you work at a Bible company, Sidney. Perfect cover for a thief. There. Let's see what your Bible-thumping customers think of these changes! How lucky! Sidney's address book. And who's this? Judy Pennewitz, the "i" doted with a heart. Betcha she's the broad you bought the ring for. Guess I'll have to pay her a visit. She works at a department store. Please, God. Let their mannequins have nipples. But not heads. Honey, I'm home! You're playing Simon! Stan, you made me mess up! See, I told you guys it was addictive. This is a good seat to watch from too, as part of the family. Be loved. Stan, you missed a belt loop back here. But I'm sure you're fine. Your pants didn't fall down today, did they? Three days and nearly every piece of Sidney's life is in shambles. I have a voice mail. And that's from Sidney. Stop ruining my life, please! Just leave me alone! Don't worry, Sidney. You will be alone. Once I have a little chat with your girlfriend. May I help you? I'm looking for a Judy Pennewitz. What a coincidence! I'm a Judy Pennewitz! - Do you know a Sidney Huffman? - I sure do. He's my boyfriend. Only I hope soon he's gonna be more than just that. I have a little news about him. And tomorrow, Sidney, I'll destroy the last most irreplaceable thing in your life! Your possessions! Good news! I found some game that are for more than 4 players! Guys? Hello? Wait. Have you not moved since I left? Mein Gott Like countless children and stoners before you, you have been enslaved by the four-tone succubus! Damn you, Hasbro! Using the credit card that started it all to help me end it all. Torching this dump almost feels like I'm doing him a favor. "How do you do? A young man's guide to manners. " This guy is a douche with a capital bag. Just like my missing glove. Now, somebody has a pair. And somebody has nothing. Look, this must be a photo of the sap. My God! I'm the sap. I'm Sidney. One of my personas has taken on a life of its own! Peaches and cream. Why do I always wake up feeling hung over? I don't even touch the devil's nectar. Your toothy mug is the only cure for my morning maladies. When I pop the big Q this Saturday, you better say yes or I'll kiss until you do! Lonesome glove, what can I never find your mate? Did I donate it to that soldier I read about who lost his arm in Iraq? I would've remember getting a sloppily written thank you note. Boys and berry pancakes! Somebody left me a message last night. Sidney, this is Roger Smith. You screwed with the wrong guy. Prepare to have your life destroyed. That gentleman has the wrong Sidney. Or he's dyslexic and angry at Disney. Your garden is looking great, Sidney! There's you and there's Johnny Appleseed. No, sir, Mr. Stashwick. There'll never be another Johnny. Have a stupendous day! Oh, boy! The gang's all here today. Hello, Linux! Hildegarde, slow down and chew. Share, Jerediah. And you, I don't know, but welcome. - Huffman! - Good day to you, Mr. McCreary. In my office! Now! You're familiar with the first line of Genesis? I should say I am, sir. I should say I am. Does this sound right? "In the beginning, God created the heavens "and the transvestite who pooped mozzarella dinosaurs. " - Blasphemy! - Cut the act, Huffman. You came in last night and edited the Bible from your computer. I would never temper with the word of the Lord. A thousand copies ruined. You're fired. Rudy, Tootie, fresh and fruity! I'm in a pile of doody! Time to buck up and find a new job. These have been a trying few days but the worst is surely over. My garden! Sidney! It happened last night but you weren't around. I bet it's the man who left me that malevolent message. I think he's trying to sabotage my life. I didn't get a good look him, though I did see what he did to your new tree. My little sycamore! What did he do? He raped it. I mean he just Yeah, the guy raped the tree. My flowery friends may be gone but I've still my feathery ones. Rasberry Mary Mother of James! Stop this! Please stop doing this, you're killing me! I punked you! It's not really me it's my voice mail. You're not supposed to wear stupid after Labor Day. Stop ruining my life! Please, just leave me alone! Oh, the Lord is good to me And so I thank the Lord For giving me the things I need The sun and rain and the apple Seed Petunia, the last few days have been the worst of my life. But if you say "Yes" to my next question, I'll know that all the dark clouds in the world couldn't rain on Sidney Huffman's parade. Would you do me the modest favor of making me the happiest man on earth? Marry you? I never want to see you again, "less" alone marry you! The man from the clinic stopped by the store yesterday. And told me all about your diseases and your dalliances. That's not true. That guy is putting the screws to me. I don't want to ear about your pre-vergence. And here are your test results. I couldn't even look at them. I didn't want to get my eyes dirty. Dear Sidney, I just wanted to let you know that I'm gonna make you pay for stealing from me until the day you die. Sincerely, Roger Smith. PS: Your sycamore had saplings. I made them watch. Oh, that's it, he's never gonna stop. There's only one way out of this. Look, this must be a photo of the sap. My God! I'm the sap. I'm Sidney. One of my person has taken on a life of its own. Sidney Huffman hired me to kill you. My God, I took a hit out on myself. And I probably charged it to me. Still miles. Oh, my God! I'm gonna die. And I still have two years left on my Apple Care. They're still playing at that dumbass game. Not for long. Son of a bitch! It can work. The spell is broken. I wreak of wee cold urine and I'm ashamed of that! Klaus saved us all. Come on, let's go to the fridge to check on the baloney situation. I was gone 60 years. - How long was it here? - What? - Where did you go? - I don't know. But wherever it was, I am their king now. Klaus, I'm in trouble. I spent all week taking revenge on a guy and that guy turned out to be an alter ego of mine - and now he's taking a hit out on me. - Calm down, calm down. Don't tell me to calm down, this hitman is a pro! Look, I found this in Sidney's address book. Look at this. Premium 80-pound matte card stock, the letters are raised. I'm a dead man! This is perfect. Just phone the guy, pretend you're your alter ego and call off the hit. That's genius. I think I can sound like him. - Hello, this is Sidney Huffman. - Hey, Sidney, what do you want? Make it quick, I got my girls this weekend. Listen, I want to call off the hit on Roger Smith. No problem, I just need the password. Password? Come on, the password you chose in case you'd want to call off the hit. I believe my password is - Password. - No, it's not. I got little Miss Fussy here so call me back with the password or Roger Smith is dead. Remember me? The guy who ruined your life. I need to know some of Sidney's favorite words. Favorite words? You mean like herpes? Syphilis? Gonorrhoea? Look, I am Sidney, OK? If you don't help me, I'm dead. You're Sidney? What do you think I am? Stupid? You're the dumbest person I've ever met. And I'm Sidney! Well, Sidney would never talk to me like that. Is that you? But I don't understand. - Where did you go? - It's a disguise. I get it. You know, Sid, I guess we all wear masks in some way or another. We all wear metaphorical mask to hide our true selves in them. In personal modern society But what I need to know is Roger, I know you're in there. Come out or your girlfriend gets it. You're just gonna abandoned her, you monster? Good. You can tell me the password so I can call off the hit. Fat chance, mister. Not after you ruined my life. I didn't ruin anything. You're just one of my persona has gone a AWOL. What? That's crazy. It's true. You're just an extension of me. Why else do you think you had my glove? Those are my gloves. The ones I bought when I met Judy. Wait, that's it. Now I remember how all this began. It was 2 months ago and I was coming home from a night of drinking and shooting dice with Armenians. That's when I saw them. The perfect pair of gloves. But they cost $10. Ten times my monthly budget for hand clothes. Alas, the case was locked and the key was with the shop girl. Damn it, Judy, you're late! Sorry, Mr. Bill Tucker, my boyfriend Rico got drunk and buried me alive. And if that wasn't bad enough, then he broke up with me. That's what you get for letting jerks treat you like garbage. I know. All I want in this life is a good-hearted employed sober fella who treats me nice. That's when I came up with a brilliant scheme. May I help you, sir? I found my hands get chilly when I'm out selling bibles or tending to underprivileged pigeons in the park. Some have suggested the warmth of an Irish coffee but as I don't partake of devil's nectar, I've decided upon gloves. Well, aren't you a good-hearted employed sober fella? - Dentine Ice - Who treats me nice. - I'm Judy. - I'm Sidney Huffman. I knew if I could win her confident, I'd be able to get that key. Then it will be "Hello, gloves" and "Goobye, not gloves". So everyday for the next few weeks, I visited Judy as Sidney. But I couldn't get close to that key. And suddenly, I had another brilliant scam. That'll be $700. The store clerks knew me as Sidney Huffman. So I had a credit card on my account issued in that name. Wait, you spent $700 just to steal $10 gloves? Shut up! Try it on, my begonia. This mirror is for customers. You have to go to the break room and use the employee's mirror. You're right. I'll be right back. Judy, you idiot! You left the case open and a pair of gloves are gone! You're fired! I tried to leave but couldn't. I actually liked that dumb girl. And caring about someone more than myself was a trauma too great for my psyche to bear. Something in me split and a part of me that cared about Judy was born. Excuse me. I was just looking at these gloves in the light. And thanks to your wonderful sales girl, I'll take them. From that moment on, you had a life of your own. Like what Katie Holmes used to have. That explain everything. But I don't care if you created me, I want to live! That's the beauty of it. Both of us can live, together as one person who is the best of both of us. You just need to call off the hit. The password is: - Password 1. - Hey, that's it. I require letters and numbers. All right, girl, yogurt time. He's gone, Sidney. Come on out. Let's go to her. Together. Oh, cheese and crackers! Sorry, Syd. You're a good egg. And that cramps my style. - I was so - Beat it! Sidney is gone and this guy only looks out for numero uno. All you care about is pizza? Figures! I finally find the perfect fella, and he's a figment of someone's imagination. Want to go get dinner? You should know I'm a drunk. Just like my father. And I have no genitals. That's OK, I have both.