Am I Gay?

1 [ANNOUNCER] The pecs the abs the johnson. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is one hot Paul Bunyan. I've got morning wood to chop. - [GROWLS] - Hyah! Oh, yeah! Damn, Paul, your sticky chest gave me blue balls. [ANNOUNCER] This fall, Paul Bunyan takes on the Big Apple and swallows every bite. [MAN] Yum-yum! Oh, my God, that movie looks so good. Yeah, it's a movie, it's gonna be great. That's it. I'm getting us tickets the second they go on sale. Uh, you actually don't have to get me one. What? We see every movie together. Well, Jessi and I are going out now - Oh! - and so - And you feel like you should go with her? - Well - Yeah, that that totally makes sense. - But we can watch the trailer together. Nick, I'd like that very much. All right, loading. [ONLINE VOICES PANTING, GRUNTING] Oh! Bryan Singer directed this. [ANNOUNCER] The pecs the abs the johnson. What's up, my man? You page me? Who we hard for? - Well, um - Rihanna? The Land O' Lakes butter chick? - Um - Oh! - The Rock gave you a boner. - No! What? No! No way, this is a fluke. You know I have no control over these. Like, remember when I saw that particularly plump tomato? Yeah, yeah, could be a fluke, or maybe you're gay. Okay, that's crazy, all right? All I do is fantasize about girls. Only one way to find out. Okay, have a seat. - Er, should I take off my glasses? - Oh, no, no. This isn't an eye test. It's a gay test. [HORMONE MONSTER] Now tell me number one, or number two? - [ANDREW] Number one ? - Interesting. Number one, number two? - [ANDREW] Number two ? - Cool, cool. - Number one, number two? - [ANDREW] Can I see number one again? - Yeah. - [ANDREW] Number one? Interesting. Okay, number one, or number two? - [GASPS] Oh, my God. - Number two, right? - Maybe I am gay. - Okay, all right. That's good to know. Wait, what don't write this down. Are you filling out a form? No, I'm just drawing a picture of a unicorn - Oh, you have a sweet side. - buttfucking Mr. Clean! Mmm. It's good, the water. Yeah, I hear tap water's good 'cause there's fluoride in it. - Cool. - Cool. - Andrew did the funniest thing today. - Oh, God, tell me. What did he do? - [CHUCKLES] His fruit snacks - Uh-huh? - they melted into one big fruit snack. - Uh-huh? - And then what happened? - And then he, um, well, he ate it. Oh. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. - Cool, cool. El baÃ±o. - I'm sorry, what? [STAMMERS] Oh, uh, Span um, "El baÃ±o" is Spanish for - Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom now. - Okay. [PATTERING] Ugh! That was positively painful, my pretty little pupusa. I know. We used to have so much fun. - Why is it so weird now? - Because you two do not belong together. - But I really like Nick. - As a friend. But remember when y'all did your Frenched kiss? - What did you feel? - Not much. How's it supposed to feel? Like Stanley Kowalski picking you up and thrusting you onto a kitchen counter like you weigh nothing. I don't know who that is but that does sound good. There's a reason they named that streetcar Desire. - Now go out there and lose that boy. - [MOANS] I've got morning wood to chop. Lights out. It's 9:05. Hey, Dad, um can I ask you something? Me? Okay, fine, but the lights stay off. I don't own stock in Con Ed. Um, when did you start to like women? - Women? Ugh. Can't stand women. - Really? Don't care for men, either. I don't like people in general. - Well, what about Mom? - Well, I love your mother, but don't tell her that. Who else? I would say that there's about four other people Terry Bradshaw, of course. There's a Metro North conductor who's good. My cousin Eugene no, that's it. I think that's it. I think three. Yeah, I like three people. - Andrew, did this talk help? - I guess? Good. I'm gonna go lie down on the floor in the den and open mail. - Thanks for dinner. - Yeah, sorry I sent back my food. See, I thought tilapia was a kind of pasta. - No, it's a fish. - Yeah, no, no, I know that now. You know, I was thinking, we were so good as friends. - So good. - So maybe we should just be friends again? I love that. That's what this is missing, right? Being friends. [SIGHS] Oh, Good. I'm so glad you feel the same way. Nick! Nice blazer, my man. Thanks. I got it for my aunt's first wedding. Love's a journey, dude. She'll figure it out. - You ready, Jellybean? - Yep. Bye, Nick. And thanks again. This is so great! I'm friends with my girlfriend. Judd, anything special going on in school today? - No. - [CHUCKLES] Terrific. So mysterious. I get such a kick out of this kid. - Nick, how was your big date last night? - It started out a little awkward, but then Jessi had this idea that we would just be friends again and now I'm really excited about it. [JUDD CHUCKLES] - Oh, honey. - What? Did she say just be friends or "just be friends"? - Is there a difference? - I'll rip that little bitch to shreds. - What? - It sounds like she broke up with you. No. Guys, nobody dumped anyone. We're still going out. We're just friends. She made you feel like it was your idea, didn't she? That's exactly what I did to Tyler Kinney. You remember Tyler. He tried to light himself on fire in our front yard. - Oh, man, Jessi dumped me. - Ha! - Everyone's gonna think I'm a loser. - Well, you're a winner to me. - Wanna go on a date with your old man? - No! - Oh, my God. - [WHISPERS] Light yourself on fire. [CLASS BELL RINGS] Hey, um, Matthew? Oh, look, the lost and found became a person. Uh, I was wondering if you don't mind um, how did you know that you were, um gay? Sorry, you're the only gay person I know. Uh, I'm the only gay person you know you know. Why are we talking about this? [GASPS] Oh-hh ! You think you're gay. What? No! No. Well, yeah. I'm not sure. No, I can see it. I mean, you suck at being straight. Hi, Andrew, I just wanted to preemptively let you know - that I'm not interested in you. - And may I say that I fully understand - and I thank you for your candor. - You're welcome. That. That, too. You're weirdly formal, like the kind of gay guy who's in the Air Force and then became middle management at IBM, and you have a condo, and there's like, a side gym in the building. That sounds like a nice little life I've made for myself. Let's face it, Andrew, if you're asking, you're probably gay. "Probably gay"? What does that even mean? Not my job. I have morning announcements, - and you have, like, a pear shape. - Oh, God. [MUSIC PLAYING] Lacrosse tryouts are tomorrow. Exciting news for rich sociopaths with a loose concept of consent. But let's move on to something actually care about Nick and Jessi. Everyone wants to know who broke up with who, and here to give us the inside scoop is Nick. Nick, tell us, in your own tiny words, who dumped who? [CHUCKLES] First of all, I really don't like the word "dump. " I find it offensive. I mean, does it really matter who broke up with who? - Of course it does. You know that. - Okay, here's what I will say I think Jessi is a fantastic girl, and that's why it was so hard for me to break up with her. - [ALL GASP] - [MATTHEW] You heard it here - Nick dumped Jessi. - [GROWLS] Angry. We shall reach up that little pygmy's ass and pull out his heart! - [THUNDERCLAP CRASHES] - His ass heart! Tomorrow, an exclusive interview with Patient Zero in our pinkeye epidemic. Yeah, looking back, there was definitely fecal matter on some of the basketballs. This is Coach Steve, by the way. Ooh, I can't believe I'm gonna be on TV! [FAINT BARKING] [WHISTLING] Okay, so, normally right about now I'd watch the Mets game. But if I'm probably gay, maybe I should Definitely watch gay porn. I know, I know, but I've been scared to look at any porn. Isn't going directly to gay porn like jumping head first into the deep end? More like dick first into the butt end. Nailed it. [CLICKING] Don't just type in "gay porn. " Switch over to private browsing first. Good call, good call. We're gonna have to clear more cookies than a fat kid at a birthday party. [LAUGHS] Nailed it again. - [CLICKING] - Um All right, Andrew, this is your journey. You must be your own shaman. Ugh - Click the mouse. - Okay. Here goes. - [CLICKS] - [SIREN WAILS] - Well, all right. - Shit. Wait. What's this? - That's good. - Wait. Close that. - That won't close. Why won't this close? - [HORMONE MONSTER] Open that one. - No, I don't want to zoom. - Yes! Yes! - [ANDREW] Stop clicking on it! - It's got a life of its own! Virus, virus! Shame on you! - [DAD] Andrew, what's going on up there? - Nothing! I'm asleep. [DAD] Well, something's wrong with the computer. Terry Bradshaw's taking a shower with Howie Long, and why does Shannon Sharpe want to get in there? Oh, my God! [THUMPS] [BELL RINGS] Ooh, how'd you break up with Jessi? Did you make her cry? To be honest, it was, like, the hardest thing I've ever had to do but it was the right thing to do. Does that make sense? - Ha! You my dawg. - Nick Birch! Looks like I picked the right outfit this morning. Jessi, it's ahem, good to see you. - Is it? - What's going on? I can't see. My eyes are crusted shut. Look, we could still be friends. Friends? Ha! Oh, we're not friends. Cut that little pipsqueak down to size. And to set the record straight, I broke up with you. - Well, it was mutual. - No, no, no. - Gun him down. - I knew it wasn't gonna work as soon as I kissed your big, weird catfish mouth. - [ALL GASP] - Yeah, paint a picture, baby. Jessi, let's not forget you kissed me. - Oh, I'll never forget. - Sing it, sister. Just with your giant blubbery lips it felt like I was chewing on two lukewarm hot dogs. - Okay. - More, more, more! The gross poking and prodding from your scaly alligator tongue. Rub his nose in it. And I pity the poor girl who makes the mistake of kissing you next. You're gonna hear that from time to time. It's part of the game. But that's not gonna happen. 'Cause I'm gonna tell everyone that you, Nick Birch, [SCREAMS] are the world's worst kisser! [ALL GASP] Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker. Now let's mosey. Aw, don't worry about it, Nick. Opinions are like assholes keep 'em away from your basketballs, all right? [DISTANT DOG BARKING] Okay, okay, you gotta get back at Jessi. - Jay. - And I've got just the idea. - Jay - It's a little bit juvenile, but it's simple and it's timeless. - Jay - We let it be known that Jessi, - for a snack, eats tiny pieces of shit. - What? She doesn't eat pieces of shit. Andrew, you're picturing it and we're talking about it. - That's a win in my book. - Wait, wait, wait. I'm not gonna say that Jessi eats shit. We're in a fight but ultimately we're still friends, right? No! She was your friend, then she was your lover, now she's your enemy. Please stop quoting your dad's divorce lawyer commercials. Okay, fine. We'll take the high road. We'll just say she's a lesbo. No, if I call her a lesbo, then she's gonna say that I'm gay. And, hey, is that's a bad thing, right? Like if people think you're gay that's bad? - No, we all know it's okay to be gay. - Do we? I mean, if it's so "okay" to be gay, then why are you so afraid to be called gay? - Because I'm not. - But if you were - It'd be a nightmare. - Why? Why? Come on, Andrew. No girl's gonna hook up with you if you're gay. They'll think all you do is stick your dick inside other dudes' dicks. Jay, gay people don't stick their dicks inside other dicks. You're picturing it and we're talking about it. - I'm not picturing that. - Let me ask you this would you rather that lesbo call you "catfish mouth" or gay? I don't want to be called either. Because being gay is as bad as having a catfish mouth. We're all on the same page. - What's so bad about being gay? - Nothing. It just seems kinda hard to be gay. Oh, it's really hard. I mean, have you ever looked at gay porn? - What? No. - Neither have I, right? Okay. Now if you'll excuse me, bathroom. Okay, okay, how about this we'll say Jessi puts peanut butter on her dog's dick and licks it off. Yum, yum, yum. Aren't you supposed to put the peanut butter on your own dick? Oh. Wow. That would feel way better. Um, hello? Mr. Ghost of Duke Ellington? It's Andrew. Why, hello, Andrew! [LAUGHS] Are you doing a report on me for school? Here's a fun fact Stevie Wonder wrote the song "Sir Duke" about me. And he's been faking his blindness his entire life. That sounds like a crazy conspiracy theory. [LAUGHING] You should hear my views on 9/11. How come all the Jews knew not to come to work that day? No, that's been proven to be untrue. You're picturing it and we're talking about it. [LAUGHS] Anyway, Duke, I wanted your advice, and I guess I still do. You see, Duke, I'm probably gay and it is scary. Only if you find disposable income and terrific summer houses scary. [LAUGHING] Did you know any gay people when you were alive? Of course! I was in show business, the official profession of the gay people. Allow me to introduce you to famous deceased homosexuals Socrates, Freddie Mercury, and Justice Antonin Scalia. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia? But weren't you famously anti-gay? I was deep in the closet, and I wish I came out while I was alive. Ghost cock is like vegan bacon it just isn't as good as the real thing. - And it has a weird texture. - Wow, yeah. Also, it's the best time to be gay since ancient Greece. Huh. I had no idea. As long as you live on one of the coasts, or Austin, Texas that place is keeping it weird. Being gay can be bloody brilliant. - How so, Freddie Mercury? - I was hoping you would ask. [SINGERS] What's it like to be gay? When you're gay Every day is a nonstop cabaret You've got style and flair You're loved everywhere Except for North Carolina Bears and queens And Catholic tweens The world's your buff buffet Come and join in the fun Say hello to tight butts And goodbye vaginas - Be gay, totally gay - Be gay Be a bright and shining rainbow Yes, you'll find your new identity In the LGBT community Oh I'm gay, totally gay - He's gay - I'm a fabulous flouncing - Loud and proud clichÃ© - Sashay - On display - All day And I found my calling today - Hooray! - Oh, shantÃ©! - So gay - It's a flaming hot pink-letter day I'm not the boy I used to be I'm here, I'm queer, get used to me I'm gay He's absolutely, undeniably gay Matthew, you were right. I'm gay. Well, look at you, walking into rooms, declaring things. Yes, I'm declaring that I'm a proud gay man. Okay, what's next? How am I supposed to dress? How do I meet other gay people? How do I find a boyfriend? Well, first of all, you already have a boyfriend. - What? Who? - "Peanut. " - Who? - "Little Purse Dog. " - Purse Dog? - "Mr. Teddy Graham. " - Nick? - Yes! "Little Baby Salt Shaker. " What? No, Nick's not my boyfriend. We're just best friends. Oh, please! You do everything together. You're always making each other jealous, getting in your stupid little fights. - It's classic. You're a tall and a short. - Is that a thing? Everything in the gay community is a thing. Also, bye-ee! He's right, it's Nick. It's always been Nick. So what's up? You officially gay? What? Yes. Where have you been? I'm sorry, I was inducting my dear friend Joe Walsh into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And as long as he's around, rock and roll will never die. Ladies and gentlemen, Eagles legend and my brother-in-arms, Mr. Joe Well, you get it. Is this the gay kid you were talking about, man? Yeah. He thinks he's in love with his best friend. It would be kind of perfect, right? We get along, his parents love me Well, if he's gay and into it, then you're making music. Beautiful music. Though, I should figure out if Nick is into it. But if he's not, that's a hard morning light coming through your window, brother. Joe Walsh is right. If I come right out and tell him and he's not into it, that could ruin everything. Yeah, and then you'll get caught up in a bunch of lawsuits about publishing rights, and Don Henley doesn't call you on your birthday anymore, man. It's a bummer 'cause he was your brother. [BELL RINGS] - What's up, jerk? - Hey, Jessi, - do you want to sit over here with me? - Oh, yeah. Thanks, Missy. Do you want some of my homemade fruit leather? - I'm not allowed refined sugar. - Uh, thanks. I'm all set. Oh. Okay, how about this? Wow. It must be hard for you that you can't sit with the boys anymore after all that stuff you said about Nick's mouth. - Yeah. - The gloves came off in a fit of rage. I was really mad. And I guess as goes Nick so goes Andrew. It's the law of the jungle, Jessi. It's the law of the jungle. Yeah, that part I didn't really think through. Fucking bitch! Eating those baby carrots when you know she wants to be eating little pieces of shit. Jay, please. How did everything get so messed up? I know. This whole thing with Jessi, it makes you wonder, like, hey, women, do we even need them? What? Of course we do. What about my mom and, like, whores? My point is, when it's just the boys it's, hey, we make music. - Uh-huh. - But with girls it's like, - "Aw, why aren't they boys?" - I don't get it. Are you saying that we can't be friends with girls? No, I'm just saying maybe the two of us should go on a vacation, go camping or something, get away from all this woman drama. - Oh, I love that. Camping's a great - It's just Nick and me! Oh yeah, no, that that's fine. I mean, I know how to track you guys. - [MUSIC PLAYING] - Nick-o-teen, you caught me working on a new song that no one will ever hear. [LAUGHING] Oh, death is so profoundly sad. But enough about me. Why the long face? Duke, I guess I was wondering, have you ever stayed friends with an ex? - Nope. Impossible. - That's a bummer. I'd really like to be friends with Jessi again. Man, you boys having a lot of problems this week, huh? - What do you mean? - Your lumpy friend Andrew was up here the other day. Good kid. Thinks he might be a homosexual. What? Andrew? That's impossible. - He would tell me. - Would he? What if he's shaking in his little gay boots, scared you won't want to be his friend anymore? I don't care if Andrew's gay, I'll always want to be his friend. Let's just say he comes out to you and you fire him from your band, so he becomes destitute and flings himself in front of a trolley car. Duke, did you fire a guy for being gay? Oh, God, no! I loved having gay guys in my band. More groupie for Dukie. Yum, yum, yum! I would never fire Andrew from my band. Oh, my God, poor Andrew. "Oh, my God, poor Andrew"? That sounds like a good song. I'm gonna change the "oh, my God" to "hey, now" and "poor Andrew" to "sweet Desiree. " Hey now, sweet Desiree - Hey. - Hi. - What are you doing here? - I spoke to Duke. Oh. Did he mention anything about Stevie Wonder - and his connection to 9/11? - No. We actually talked about you. - Oh, God. - He said you think you might be gay. What the hell? Is there no child-ghost confidentiality anymore? - Well, is it true? - I don't know. Look, I got a boner watching the "PB: NYC" trailer. Like, a big, hard boner. And I don't know how to talk to girls but I wanna jizz all the time, and I'm so awkward around everyone except you, 'cause we're best friends, and I guess it just seemed like being gay might actually be great. But now that I'm saying it out loud I don't know. I wish there was some way to know. I've never even kissed a guy. I've never kissed anyone, for that matter. How am I supposed to know if You just kissed me. It was scientific. I was just trying to help. Did you feel anything? - Uh - Nothing, flaccid. Maybe we should pin him to the ground, jam it in his mouth, - just the sheer fucking degradation - Wait, wait, wait. Hush. - I I'm actually not into this. - Yeah, no, I could tell. I was just spitballin'. Poof! So, are the test results in? Honestly, I didn't like it. Is it because I have a gross catfish mouth? No, no, no, your mouth is fine. I just didn't feel anything. Maybe I'm not gay. But thank you for kissing me ? Um, my pleasure ? Oh, I can't believe that you were my first kiss. What am I gonna tell my grandkids? Grandpa Andrew, who was your first kiss? Well, you know your great-uncle Nick? You mean Nick Starr, the host of "Countdown to Money"? Two robots and two humanoids are here to compete for Most Glorious Kingdom of China Bitcoin units. So sit tight or shake your booty 'cause it's time to [CONTESTANTS CHANTING] "Countdown to Money with Nick Starr!" Ni hao! God, what's taking so long? Hey, man, hurry it up! We're gonna miss the movie. Movie? I thought this was the self-checkout at Walgreens. No wonder I couldn't find prescription eye drops and those sticks you could floss with. - Oh, God, Jessi's here. - What? - Come on, let's get out of here. - No. You guys have to talk to each other. This is crazy. Oh, hello, Nick. Did you bring a phone book to sit on? Oh, did you bring a big butt that's yours? Hey! You two stop it. This is ridiculous. You were friends, then you're girlfriend and boyfriend, now you're not friends at all? Go stand by those two weird Christmas movie posters and work your shit out. Maybe I am gay. - Okay, Andrew's not wrong. - I know. When you said "let's be friends," I was excited because I really like being friends with you. And we sucked at being boyfriend and girlfriend. - Totally sucked at it. - Are you sure we're not at Walgreens? I need to find the bin filled with plastic balls that are too light to throw. I'm really sorry I said all those terrible things about you. It's my fault. I lied about how we broke up. I guess I just didn't want to seem like the loser. We were both kind of losers. Yeah, we were. Shall we go to the movie? - After you, milady. - Thank you, good sir. Aw, Atlanta Claus, you gotta help me find a dying Mylar balloon that says "Wow. " Merry Christ-murs! Have you been nar-ghty or nice? I can't be dishonest with you, Black Santa. I've been real nar-ghty. I'm the one who put the fecal matter on the basketballs. Hallelujer! Hey, Matthew, I just want to let you know that I I figured it out. - I'm not gay. - Oh! You had a whole little journey, didn't you? Well, guess what, sack of potatoes? No one is 100-percent gay or straight. - It's a spectrum. - Oh. Well, how gay are you? I'm 20/20. Didn't Morrey give you the gay test? "Morrey"? Do you mean the Hormone Monster? Yeah, Morrey. He's the fucking man. And he's only a monster when he does coke. Wow. Hmm. Well, that's anyway, I guess I should be in less of a hurry to figure everything out and just take each boner as it comes. [LAUGHS] You're precious. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch "PB: NYC," which looks super gay. Bye-ee! [MUSIC PLAYING] What in the what? Where do we go now, Paul Bunyan? We're going to the Brambles in Central Park. - [YELPS] - [AUDIENCE GASPS] Wait, what? Please tell me there's a Walgreens in the gay part of Central Park. I really need a DVD of "Van Helsing" and a six-foot-long receipt. [YELPS] ["BE GAY" PLAYING] - Agh! - [MUSIC STOPS] Please tell me they put a Walgreens in this Netflix. What are you guys gonna watch next? Do you wanna hang out? You guys gonna watch another episode? ["I AM GAY" PLAYING]