Nightmare on Christmas

Ah, holidays in New York. The lights, the snow, the music [Alarm ringing] Those are some of the worst jingle bells I've ever heard. Whoa! And there's the guilty party responsible for the music. Hold it right there, Shocker! Robbing a bank On Christmas Eve? That is lower than Huh, is there even a word for how low that is? Just call me the scrooge who shocked Christmas! Yeah, no. I am not calling you that. Ah! My communicator! Just for that, I'm gonna write a letter and tell Santa to put you on the naughty list. Or, I could just knock you out. That way I don't have to write the letter. Cops will pick you up in a sec. Oh, and have a happy new year in jail! Now to meet up with my S. H. I. E. L. D team, and pick up my Christmas present for Aunt May. Let the good times Roll? Hello? Um, guys? Hey, Squirrel Girl. Oh, hey. Sorry. I'm just hibernating for The foreseeable future. [Snoring] Gonna let that ridiculous statement slide and go right to my question. Where is everyone? [Yawn] They left without you. Said to tell you they're What did they say? What did they say to tell me? [Snores] [Grunts] My friends ditched me. My friends ditched me on Christmas Eve! But does a single person in this city care? No! Who cares? It's only Spider-Man. Nobody appreciates me. Why do I even bother? Sometimes I wonder if being Spider-Man is even worth it. Stupid snow. Uh-oh. Oh stupid, stupid snow! [Screams] Oh man, I really don't need this on Christmas. [Screams] huh? I'm not falling. Huh, I'm alive! Spoke too soon. Ox, Fancy Dan, and Montana! Also known as The Enforcers. Aw, and down goes Spider-Man! Enforcers, make sure he stays down! You can't keep a good Spidey down! Oh, a wise guy? Let's see you dodge this, ya mug! Montana, ox, and Fancy Dan? I haven't fought these guys since before I joined S. H. I. E. L. D. How quaint. Everything is retro. Either that or you're losing your mind. [Montana chuckles] Forget the varmint, pardners. We got the truck. Now mount up! [Truck starts] Oh no, you don't. You're not getting away that [Screams] Easy. My old webshooters were always running out of web fluid at bad times. [Grunts] And let the bad times roll. [Booing] This is the point where I make a clever quip and coolly web swing away. [Webshooter puffs] Huh. And this is the point where I lose all pretense of dignity and run away screaming. Police are on the look out for The Enforcers, who made off with Oscorp technology. Now who's to blame? You could blame the criminals, you could blame their parents, you could blame a society that's lost its way, but I blame Spider-Man! Wait a minute, I've lived through this before. The Enforcers, my old costume, the web fluid, the angry crowd. This is from a Christmas past. Before I joined S. H. I. E. L. D. What is going on? [Angel spidey] I was wondering the same thing. What are you two still doing here? Heck if I know. I'm only allowed to say "heck. " It goes against everything I stand for. Aw, poor Spidey. It's Christmas and everyone ran out on you. Who else would keep you company? Eh, good point, but holiday or not, you two never stick around to talk to me. This has to be a dream or something, right? If this was a dream, would this hurt? Ow! Maybe. I've had nightmares like this. Usually after eating a bad burrito. [Chuckles] It must have been one bad burrito. You battled The Enforcers once, didn't you? You ran out of web fluid, too. What happened before? They got away. I got blamed. Of course you did. You always get blamed. 'Cause nobody appreciates you. [Giggles] Let's change all that. How did you do that? You're figments of my imagination that make jokes at my expense. Helping me isn't your usual thing. This ain't a usual thing. Why don't we see where this one leads? If you have the nerve for it. Oh, I've got the nerve for it! You dared the wrong guy this time, sizzle-head! I'll show that little imp. Hey, these buildings look awfully familiar. I could have sworn I've swung down this street before Over and over. Heh. Must be deja vu. Wait. Down there in the truck. It's those enforcer creeps what in the name of Sam Hill was that? Something done hit us. "Something done hit us?" Oh, ox. Somewhere your English teacher is hanging their head in shame. Hold on boys. This oughta shake him. I don't wanna be a backseat driver on the roof, but whoa, Montana, you look angry. You should never drive angry. Are you guys coming up to see little old me? And here I didn't think you liked me. Ooh, for me? I have always wanted a giant cowboy hat. Fine. Someday I'll get my own hat! Ouch. Landed right on the tush. Can't believe you actually call it that. Haha. "Tush. " You two, why are you here? What's going on? If I was you, I'd pay more attention to those guys! Sorry, fellas. There's a new sheriff in town. Just call me sheriff Spidey. Yee-haw! Hey, did you not hear me? New sheriff? Yee-haw? Whoa, heh. We weren't paying attention. We almost missed your stop. [Montana and ox struggling] - Better luck next Christmas! - Get me down from here. Fancy Dan! Two hands on the wheel, buddy! Ooh, now I get to drive. Whoa, uh-oh. I got the wheel! Oh you gotta be kidding me. Brakes! [Truck accelerating] No, hit the brakes. The brakes! Wait, I'm back here? What happened to the enforcers, and the truck. Did I stop them? - Doesn't matter. - Of course it matters. No, it doesn't, 'cause whatever you do, people'll still hate you. They'll blame you. They'll never appreciate you. [Alarm ringing] This is my chance to do a better job. Do it in a way where everyone will appreciate what I do. Hey, you can't steal what I already stole! You really think any of this is going to make a difference? That's why I'm Spider-Man. To make a difference. [Jameson] And there he is again, that wall-crawling menace. Leaving destruction behind him everywhere he goes, even on Christmas Eve! Have you no shame, Spider-Man? But I'm only trying to help. [Crowd yelling] [Man] Hey, there he is, that menace! [Crowd yelling] Put on some pants. This has to be a nightmare. Sure, this is all a nightmare, because in real life, everybody loves you. [Whimpers] I can't win. [Laughs] This isn't a dream. It's a moment of clarity. Spider-Man no more. You feel it, don't you? Like a giant weight's been lifted off your shoulders? Let's see how much better things will be for you from now on. What are you [Yelling] [Aunt may] Peter? Peter, wake up. Aunt May? Whoa! Aunt May. Morning, Peter. happy day before Christmas. Breakfast will be on the table in a sec. I'll get the windows. Aunt May, is this all mine? Of course. The entire Parker tower is yours. Now hurry up, Peter. You've got a busy day. You're due at City Hall to get another key to the city for inventing your pollution neutralizer, an autograph signing, and then dinner with some consortium of supermodels. Christmas future. I have Tony Stark's life. Except it's my life. [Devil spidey] You quit being Spider-Man. Now you're a beloved billionaire genius inventor. Look how good your life is. Yeah. From here, it looks pretty good. Peter, you got a message. The Goblin King needs to reschedule your meeting. Sure thing, Aunt May. Wait, Goblin King? don't tell me where we are. Tell me where they are! Hawkeye, Nova? Spidey? - Is that you? - Get down. These things They're Osborn's spider super soldiers! Nova, look out. Can't believe it's really you, Webs. I can't believe that The Goblin is king. Save us your concern. Goblin only took power after you quit being a hero. You're nothing but a traitor! [Bomb beeping] Look out! No! What're we going to do? Goblin rules the future, and he has my friends! "Friends. " Friends like Hawkeye? You heard him. You tried to help him, save his life, and he still thinks you're a traitor! Besides, you gave up being Spider-Man, remember? I need my costume and web shooters. Listen to me carefully. You have it all, everything you've ever dreamed of, but that's because you're Peter Parker, if you put on the costume you'll be stuck as a Spider-Man again. And everyone will hate you. Choose carefully. It's an easy choice. [Annoyed grunt] Spider-Man is back! Okay, Goblin, here I come! This is the future under Goblin. Spidey sense isn't tingling, but my "eww-this-is-creepy" sense is banging like a gong. Hold on, guys. I'll get you out. [Goblin] Spider-Man? Goblin? Now this is an intriguing development. I would've called ahead, but, you know, I didn't want to spoil the surprise. Ah, the old Spider-Man wit. How it takes me back to hear it again. How I won't miss it when it's gone. Goblin, what have you done? Goblin King, if you please. And as you can see, it's good to be king. This can't be happening! This is impossible! Nova's helmet and Hawkeye's bow will have to wait. For my next trophy, I'm thinking of hanging something special on my wall Your head! [Growls] You shouldn't be able to use Thor's hammer. No one's able to use Thor's hammer. Oh, but I can't. I destroyed Thor and the Avengers and S. H. I. E. L. D, and everyone who stood against me. Your friends put up quite a fight. But they met their end, as will you. [Struggling] Not this time. [Goblin groans] Huh? Yikes! I haven't fought you in very long time. I barely remember what it's like. It's all coming back to me now! Hah. It's coming back to me, too! You remember when I used to do this? [Groans] This is for what you did to Iron Man! This is for what you did to Cap! Black Widow Falcon and Hulk. This is for everything else you did when I wasn't here to stop you! [Breathing heavily] [Angel spidey] What have you done? You did exactly what he wanted. Exactly what I was trying to warn you about. Warn me about what? [Burps] [Laughs] Something wrong? You act like you've never seen a nightmare before. Nightmare. Had a feeling you had a creepy pasty hand in this. Save your energy, Spider-Man. You can't hurt me. Besides, I'm not here to fight. I'm here to help you. Huh, no kidding? I love accepting help from evil. I did you a favor. Showing you what your life will be like if you give up being Spider-Man. Without that costume, you could be as rich and as famous and as happy as Tony Stark. Everything you see before you, it can all be yours. All I see are the consequences of what happens when I give up. Get this through your weirdly shaped Skull. I am Spider-Man. And I am never giving it up. [Annoyed grunt] You reject the life I could have given you? Then I'll take the pitiful life you have! My life may be pitiful, but it's my life. And you know what? I like my life! Keep talking, Spider-Man. Scream if you want. No one will hear you. 'Tis the stuff of nightmares. [Evil laughter] Gonna be honest. I'm not impressed. So be it, Spider-Man. [Screams] [Thud] [Groans] Whoa, somebody's been drinking their milk. When I have enough power, I'll be able to enter your world, and feed off the fear of everyone. Feeding on fear? C'mon, eat healthy! Fear has like zero nutritional value. [Spider-Man yelps] With every passing moment, you grow weaker, while I grow stronger. More powerful. Feeding off your insecurities, your fears, your nightmares. First off, your feet are filthy. I don't know who else you've stepped on, and I don't want to know. And a little FYI, you're not the only one with power! [Straining] The power you get from my fears is no where close to the power I get from the good I do as Spider-Man. Impossible! Fear is the strongest force! And fear rules supreme! Well I'm afraid You've lost. And so have you! [Bridge collapsing] [Yelps] I'll be fine. You'll hit the bottom and never wake again. You're not scaring me. I know this is all your doing. And I know you have no power. You could have had everything Popularity, riches, fame And you threw it all away for nothing! If you believe that, then you were the one who was dreaming! [Nova] Yo, Webs! Are you hurt? Webs! Ah, yeah. You're okay. Uh, why are you hitting me? And why are you asking if I'm okay at the same time you're hitting me? I dunno, seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Wait, what time is it? Did I miss Christmas? Is it too late to pick up my gift for Aunt May? Whoa. Easy. We picked up your present for Aunt May. Wrapped it, too. Where did you guys go? I came back and you were gone. We changed plans. Tried to call you, but when you didn't answer, we went out to look for you. Man, didn't Squirrel Girl tell you anything? Don't worry about it. [Bell dongs] Look at that. Like something out of a dream. [Luke] Sweet Christmas tree, Mrs. Parker. Football tickets? Thanks, Danny. Uh, what I always wanted. Hmm. Those were supposed to be for Luke. Then he must have your What? I think this makes me look good. - Gimme that! - [Sam] Come on! Seriously, you guys? The holidays are supposed to be about caring and giving. Bunny slippers are just gahh! After all this time, you finally got me a present on time? What, is this a present from last year you're just getting around to giving me? Just open it. [Aunt may] Peter, it's beautiful. I saw it and thought of you. So you can always keep an eye on your past, your present, and your future. I love it. Thank you, Peter. Oh, oh! Open mine, open mine! Do you like it? If don't, we can exchange it. Aunt May I wouldn't change a thing. Happy holidays, everybody!