Capture the Nag

(Camera clicking)

You are aware that I have to get out of this at some point, right?

Yeah. Sorry, sweetie. I just don't want you to catch a cold.

Mostly 'cause I don't want to catch a cold.

Man, it's really coming down out there.

Everyone is posting about it.

(Gasps) And Gina's snow boots are cuter than mine!

Jessie, how fast can we get to Milan?

Speaking of which, I really hope I remembered to roll the windows up on your parents' helicopter.

Tragic news, people!

School has been canceled!

All: Yay!

Score!

I knew there was a reason I didn't do my homework last night.

What's your excuse every other night of the year?

Oh, heavens!

I can feel myself getting dumber already.

Quick, someone pop-quiz me!

Okay, why are we still inside and not in the park getting our toboggan on?

Zuri's right.

Ooh, I can't wait to take a snowfie! (Chuckles)

But from the knees up. I don't wanna hear it from Gina.

I'm gonna make a snowman!

I'm gonna make a snow Jessie!

Fine, but don't come crying to me when your lips get stuck to it.

To the park!

All: Yeah!

(All screaming)

On second thought, maybe we should stay inside.

Zuri: Should I be concerned that I can't feel my feet?

Come on.

All: Oh! Oh, no, the power is out.

We will have to take the stairs.

Wait!

What if the stairs are broken, too?

Good thinking, Emma.

Why don't you stay here and wait for the stair repairman?

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪ ♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪ ♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪ ♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪ ♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Here you go. Mmm, thank you.

Oh! Bertram, this is freezing!

How could you mess up hot chocolate?

There's two ingredients, hot and chocolate.

There's no electricity!

But the stove runs on gas.

Okay, fine, I just didn't care.

Well, I just ate all the ice cream before it could go bad.

You know, broccoli goes bad, too.

When was it ever good?

When's the power gonna be back on?

My tablet just ran outta juice, and Mama's gotta check her stock portfolio.

Ugh, my phone's dead, too!

This is terrible!

If I don't keep up with what's going on with my friends, I'll be a social outcast!

Yeah, and now you'll just have to rely on your looks and money.

Oh, phew! Right.

Guys, relax.

Even with the power out, we're still gonna have a great day.

(Knocks on door)

Jessie!

(Chuckles) What up, Brosephine?

All right.

Today just got less great.

Hudson locked us out. It happens a lot.

Before you two showed up, I was just telling the kids that we don't need technology to have fun.

Yeah, totally.

When I was their age, Mom just put me outside with a stick and a bowl of water, and I was happy for hours.

That explains so much.

(Panting)

Ravi, it took you all this time to walk up the stairs?

Well, half the stairs.

The little old lady in 12B carried me the rest of the way.

Thank you, Mrs. Feingold!

Wow, her aqua-aerobics classes are really paying off.

Look, guys.

We never spend time together as a family.

Hey, why don't we play Capture the Flag?

My dad and I used to play it all the time back at Fort Tavey.

Can't we just stare at the TV and wait for the power to come back on?

It's the 21st century!

Why would we want to play a game with no screen?

Yeah, what's next, churning butter?

Okay, this is a universal battery pack.

It currently holds a 10-hour charge and can connect to any of your devices.

Whoever wins Capture the Flag gets it.

Ha! That'll be me.

I have a better idea.

How about we play "Can the Nanny be Bought?"

I'll give you two grand for the battery.

Emma, no, that's... Really?

How do you play Capture the Flag?

First, we divide into two teams.

Each team has a base where their flag is kept.

The goal is to capture your opponents' flag and take it back to your base.

And, if you get tagged, you're out.

Uh, one question.

Are wedgies allowed? No.

Then I'm in!

Sweet!

Oh, Jessie, you and I can be team captains. Mmm.

And I'll give you first pick.

(Scoffs) Please.

I was captain of the Fort Tavey Capture the Flag Junior Miss team.

I can beat you with anyone.

Cool. You get Ravi.

No... Yay!

(Chuckles)

I have been through this scenario many times in gym.

I will just fake an injury and go to the nurse.

No! No!

Ravi, I'm happy to have you on our team.

That's why I'm smiling.

Give her Stuart, too! (Chuckles)

Ooh! No can do.

He gave me 20 bucks to make sure you guys played together.

I did? (Clears throat)

Oh!

Um, can you break a 100?

Nope.

Okay, soldiers! Here is our battle plan.

First, we...

Wait, where's Emma?

Jessie, look!

I found these super cute camouflage outfits.

They'll really make us stand out!

Emma, the point of camouflage is not to stand out.

What are we gonna blend in with, cotton candy?

Geez, I was just trying to have some fun.

If my phone were working, I'd so be texting behind your back right now.

Uh, Jessie.

As a chess expert, I have some classic attack strategies that might be beneficial...

And you lost me at chess.

Rav, remember.

What is your role in this strategy meeting?

To take notes and drink orders.

Affirmative! Now...

My dad always used to say, "A good soldier's first mission is to gather usable intel."

Yet the man would never ask for directions.

Right. Heads on a swivel, soldiers.

There they are!

Ha-ha! Take that! (Emma shrieks)

Get 'em!

Jessie: Incoming! Retreat!

Retreat! Retreat!

(Children screaming)

Oh, take that!

Hey, Jessie, this'll be a great story to tell our kids.

Are you guys wearing my makeup?

Forget the foundation, soldier. (Shrieks)

But it's really expensive!

It doesn't even match their skin tones! Come on!

Cease fire! Cease fire!

Stand down, my merry muchachos!

Hey!

When my dad and I played Capture the Flag, we never used snowballs!

You were in Texas!

The closest thing you had to a snowball was a rolled up prairie dog.

Yeah, chillax, General Buzzkill.

All we're doing is putting a little snow day twist on the game.

Starting now, if you get hit with one of these, you're out.

That's not in the rules!

Hey, you know what they say.

"Rules are like curfews and wind, "made to be broken."

Just because the sticker on your skateboard says that doesn't make it true.

Bertram: Who made this mess?

Hey!

I'm not playing your stupid game!

I know. (Both chuckle)

Halt!

He could be wearing a wire.

Pat him down!

Gross! You do it.

Yeah, you know what, it's a risk we'll take.

So this is what happened to all of my blankets.

I'm freezing, gimme those!

Ooh, sorry, big guy.

We needed your blankies to make a bunker.

The good people of Fort Awesome thank you.

If you're cold, why don't you try movie around, like us?

I'd rather freeze to death.

Hey, is that my underwear?

Yeah. We used it to make our flag.

Why would you do that?

Because it makes it much less likely that the other team will want to touch it.

I can't believe you wasted two rolls of toilet paper to make those binoculars.

Oh, I used the toilet paper.

Conflict gives me tummy issues.

But never fear, I won't let a little case of the rumbles get in the way of being brave!

Ah! There they are! Zuri, protect me!

Get ready for an epic brain-freeze!

Emma!

Right on, sister!

No, give me a snowball.

You didn't bring the snowballs?

I haven't finished decorating them yet.

I couldn't decide between glitter glue or puff paint.

How about neither? It's snow!

Who taught you military strategy? Martha Stewart?

Who taught you how to have fun? A dentist?

What's the emergency, G.I. Bros?

Enemy at 12 o'clock!

I think!

I learned how to tell time on a digital clock.

Jessie's team is making their move!

Okay, they've got us pinned down!

We gotta make a run for it.

Ready? Set?

(Emma shrieking)

You didn't wait for "go!"

Seriously, who goes on "set"?

That was disgraceful, maggots!

Emma, you almost got us chilled out there.

Luckily, I have a backup plan.

I have a back-up plan, too.

$4,000 for the battery pack.

You've got to earn that battery pack, soldier!

But when we win, you're paying for one heck of a victory party.

This is a live feed into Hudson's fort.

I strapped a camera to Mrs. Kipling's head.

By the way, if anyone finds the end of a pinky, it's mine.

What!

How could you put my soul mate in peril?

Okay, we have to talk about boundaries between and that lizard.

Perfect! Now we know the exact location of their flag.

(Scoffs)

Nice try, guys. Mrs. K., get ready to be colder blooded.

(Croaking)

(Laughs manically)

No!

If Mrs. Kipling gets the sniffles, it is on you!

Literally, when she sneezes, it goes 20 feet.

Jessie, this is supposed to be fun, but all you've done is criticize me and endanger Ravi's life partner!

Yes, obviously all you care about is beating Hudson.

Well, you can do it without me.

Wait. Ravi. Come, on. I need you.

Really?

You did not listen to any of my plans to try and help.

The only thing you let me contribute was a delightful cranberry spritzer.

Okay.

I actually asked for an orange juice.

You know, Jessie, for the first time, I was excited to be part of a team.

Because I thought you, of all people, would give me a chance.

But I see now that I was mistaken.

I quit!

Me, too.

Keep your stupid battery pack!

I don't care if I'm as socially irrelevant as Jennifer Higgenbottom.

Who's Jennifer Higgenbottom? Exactly.

Come on, Ravi.

Guys!

Zuri: Eat snow, suckers! (Ravi and Emma screaming)

Okay, we still quit, but we shall wait in here.

I don't get it, Bertram.

When I was a kid, I used to love playing Capture the Flag with my father.

I mean, sure, he was ultra-competitive and never let me win, and by the end my spirit was utterly broken, but...

It was...

Fun? Yeah.

Well, maybe not fun...

It was a learning experience.

It built character.

Oh, who am I kidding? I hated that stupid game!

Well, I can see why you wanted to continue that lovely family tradition.

What's next, a scavenger hunt through the firing range?

Don't be ridiculous, that's where we play Red Rover.

Oh, no!

I just had the most horrifying realization.

I've become my father!

Jessie, no, you haven't.

He's married.

Look, we're all a product of our parents.

Like, thanks to my mom, I have an irrational fear of showgirls and bread pudding.

Don't ask.

The point is, you can embrace all the great things your dad did as a parent, but choose to do some things differently.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I don't have to win at all costs, or routinely check my shoe rack for explosives.

Don't ask.

Jessie, so far your influence on these kids has been pretty good.

So, just do it your way.

Thank you, Bertram. You're welcome.

(Chuckles)

Snow cone? Yeah.

(Bertram chuckles)

Wait, where did you get these?

Mmm, from this cooler.

This one has sprinkles!

This is our ammo!

And those aren't sprinkles, that's glitter glue.

Ugh!

Why do they make books so long?

If you can't say what you need to say in 140 characters, you shouldn't be a writer.

Hey, guys, there's something I need to say to you.

I will go squeeze you some orange juice.

No. I mean...

I just realized I made the same mistake with you guys that my father made with me.

I forgot that the point of a family game is not to win, but to have fun together.

I'm really sorry.

Can you guys forgive me?

Of course.

Absolutely.

Aw!

Well, guess I'll go surrender our flag to the Abominable Bro-man.

And then you can do whatever you guys want to do.

Uh, Jessie...

Do you know what we want to do?

Ravi, we can't go to the science center. All the roads are closed.

No!

We want to win the game!

You do?

Both: Yeah.

All right, let's do this.

Ravi, you said you had some ideas on how to win this thing.

Lay 'em on me.

Jessie: Those are horrible ideas, maggot!

Well, if you do not like this maggot's ideas, then I will find a team that does!

Oh!

Please do not pelt me with snowballs!

I wish to defect to your team!

Why not? He can't be any worse than Stuart.

Come on over to our side.

We're always looking for a few brave bros!

At the very least, we can use him as a human shield.

Hey, good to have you.

Emma: Luke!

Whoa, whoa, I'm not playing anymore.

If you want the flag, just go get it.

Oh, just like that, huh?

Yes. I just need a favor.

Sophie and Brianna are coming over to hang out.

Wait.

Sophie and Brianna from the cheerleading squad?

They are so cute.

And bouncy.

They wanted to know if you could hold their pom-poms while they practice.

Oh, man, I gotta go shower!

This is the special occasion I've been waiting for!

(Chuckles)

Ah! Gotcha!

You're out!

(Chuckles) You're done, son!

Nice outfit, Admiral Adorbs!

Back at ya, Captain Couture.

I get it.

You two tricked me!

It'll never happen again!

Now, what time are those cheerleaders coming over?

I'm telling you, Zuri, you can't go in there alone.

It's not worth it!

I need that battery pack.

I've got inside info on some tech stocks, and the market is about to close!

But, Zuri...

Zuri! No!

Blizzard time!

(Panting)

Huh?

They're not even guarding their flag?

Don't mind if I do.

Surprise!

No!

Nice shot, Emma.

Stuart!

Is it bad, Zuri?

Tell me the truth...

I'm not gonna make it, am I?

Don't talk like that!

You're gonna be okay.

No, I'm finished.

(Coughing)

The... The snowball penetrated my sweater-vest.

You guys are weird.

I can't believe we were ever losing to these people.

(Groans)

You're out! (Chuckles)

I'm sorry, Zuri.

I've failed you yet again.

No, you didn't.

You sacrificed yourself to try to save me.

And that's true bravery.

You're my hero.

Wow!

And I'm not even wearing my bravery pants!

(Panting)

What happened down there, man?

It was a massacre!

We lost all of our best warriors...

And Stuart!

And now, you're gonna lose the game!

Emma, take cover.

Let's waste 'em!

Ravi, toss me some ammo!

Ravi?

Hey, what's going on, little buddy?

You poor fool! I never defected.

It was Ravi's brilliant plan to infiltrate your team.

Ravi?

So, these friendship bro-celets we made meant nothing to you?

Oh, no, I will cherish these forever.

My friendship circle is somewhat limited...

Quit talking and throw the dang snowball!

Oh! Emma! Hey!

You're out! Ammo!

Jessie: No...

Ow!

Fortunately, I do not have to travel far to ice my wound.

So...

Looks like it's down to you and me.

But this is where your sleigh ride ends, snow-cita.

Ha! You missed me!

Your aim is as bad as your breath.

Hey!

I ate that yellow snow because I thought it was lemon-flavored!

(Both grunt)

No! No! No!

Jessie: Hey! Watch those hands, buddy!

Hudson: Oh, you wish!

Huh! Got it!

Get back to the base!

Victory is nigh!

(Groans)

Hudson: Get back here!

Don't let her get back to the base!

Avenge me! Don't hit her face!

Oh!

I already said, I'm not playing!

I know!

Well, at least for once a man is chasing her.

Yes! Home base!

We win! (Emma and Ravi cheering)

Aw, man...

Bummer-geddon!

Wait, is it...

Is this Bertram's underwear?

Oh, I had it in my mouth. (Zuri chuckles)

(Laughing)

Righteous win, bro-cita.

You beat us like bongos in a drum circle.

Well, it's easy when you have the best camo coordinator, and a brilliant strategist.

(Croaking)

Not to mention a slithery super spy.

And Ravi, next time we pick teams, I'm picking you first.

Really?

Oh, joy!

I would give you a high-five, but I am pretty sure I have frostbite.

We probably should have worn gloves.

Well, frozen fingers or not, point is, we all got to spend time together as a family.

(Gasps)

Stu-dog, did you just hear her call us family?

Yup!

And of course we'll come over for Thanksgiving!

I already have my pilgrim pants.

Of course you do.

Anyway...

In the spirit of peace, you all get to use the battery pack.

So you can charge your phones, get on the internet, play your games or do whatever else you do when you're supposed to be doing homework.

You know the weird part?

I don't even miss my phone.

It's been kinda nice not updating and posting all day.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but who needs that battery pack?

(Chuckles)

(Gasps)

Let's play another fun game of Capture the Flag!

That can be our family tradition.

Aww, really?

All: Yeah!

Oh, man! It is on, Bro Diddley!

Okay, but this time, can you please make your flag something that hasn't touched Bertram's bare butt?

Yeah, it's a good idea. Yeah.

We'll use my underwear! No...

Give me a sec! No, no, no! No, no, no, no!

You don't have to...

Okay. Dibs on the extra thick gloves!

Okay, you guys want to play one more game of Capture the Flag?

I would, but we are out of underwear.

(Jessie gasps)

Yay! The lights are back on!

Hey, cool. Ravi, now you can do my homework.

Hudson: Oh, whoa!

I would hate to be the poor sap who has to clean this place up!

(Chuckles)

Ow!

I'm that poor sap!

Hey! We're not playing that game anymore.

I know!

(All screaming)

(Laughing)

For a man who gets winded beating eggs, he's got a heck of an arm!