Smolder and Wiser

(Setting: the Skull and Dagger. The place is packed with customers, and Abis Mal and Akbar are throwing daggers at a dartboard. Abis hits the bullseye.)

Abis Mal: Haha! Beat that, if you can!

Akbar: Akbar beat!

(Akbar throws several knives, swords, and even an axe. They all miss the board completely. He then glares at Abis Mal.)

Abis Mal: Uh, you win! Nice playing with you! (shakes Akbar's hand and hurries away from him)

Akbar: (laughs) Akbar win!

(Abis Mal goes to sit down at a table hidden behind a curtain. Haroud is already seated there.)

Abis Mal: I am so sick of hanging around this den of thieves! When is this magic guy gonna get here?

Voice: I am here, and everywhere.

Abis Mal: What? Who said that?

(A green-skinned man appears in a puff of smoke.)

Green-skinned man: I did.

Abis Mal: Say! Nice entrance! Wasn't that nice, Haroud? You know, I was just thinking it's so rare to see a really original entrance nowadays. I remember, in the old days…

Haroud: Ahem! The business at hand, sir?

Abis Mal: Oh, right. Do you have it?

Green-skinned man: The Candle of Magma.

(The man sets a red candle with a face carved into it onto the table. Abis Mal hands over a bag of gold coins. The man laughs disappears in another puff of smoke, except for his eyes.)

Green-skinned man: A pleasure doing business with you. Let me know if you need anything else, hmm? I have an excellent cure for baldness. (the man's glowing eyes disappear as well)

Abis Mal: At last, Magma is mine to control! (laughs) Baldness? I told you I need a bigger hat! This one doesn't cover enough of my forehead!

(Aladdin, wearing a disguise with a hood, reaches through the curtain toward the Candle of Magma. He's almost reached it when there's a sound of falling coins. Everyone in the Skull and Dagger turns to look, and sees Iago and Abu trying to steal a purse full of coins.)

Iago: Heh heh heh! Whoops!

Akbar: Birdie and monkey steal from Akbar? (grabs them) Akbar punish!

Iago: Al!

Abis Mal: I know those animals! They belong to… (scans the crowd) Aladdin!

(Aladdin takes off his disguise.)

Abis Mal: See? See? Ten gold coins to the man who brings me Aladdin! And I don't care how many pieces he's in!

(A bunch of thieves run after Aladdin, but he somersaults away from them.)

Akbar: Akbar crush!

(Aladdin jumps on Akbar's table, knocking it into his stomach. He let's go of Abu and Iago, and Aladdin catches them. He then dodges another thief's sword and several thrown daggers.)

Aladdin: (annoyed) Thanks a lot, guys.

Iago: What?

Aladdin: Stop him!

(Aladdin jumps into a barrel full of fish and rolls towards a group of thieves running towards him, knocking them down. They roll out the door and into the street, where the barrel hits a wall and breaks open.)

Aladdin: If you're finished playing smash-up derby, can we leave now?

Abis Mal: (running outside and pointing at Aladdin) There! Get 'im!

(Abis, Haroud, and the other thieves chase Aladdin down a side street. Two baskets are dropped on Abis and Haroud from above; the other thieves keep running. Aladdin has climbed up on a rooftop and dropped the baskets down on them.)

Iago: Now is the time to make with the getaway!

Aladdin: Not until I find out what's so important about that candle. (jumps down from the roof)Give me the candle!

Abis Mal: Oh, that little knickknack? It's for my mother! Really!

Aladdin: (sighs) Hand it over, Abis Mal. Unless you'd rather give it directly to the sultan's guards.

Abis Mal: No no no! Give it to him, Haroud!

Haroud: As you wish, sir. (blows a handful of dust into Aladdin's face)

Aladdin: What was that?

Abis Mal: Yeah! What was that?

Haroud: It was the Curse of Clumsiness.

Aladdin: What?

Abis Mal: (laughs) Let's see you do that fancy jumping around stuff now, streetrat! You'll be as clumsy as a… as a…

Haroud: An ox.

Abis Mal: I was going to say that!

Aladdin: Curse of Clumsiness? Yeah, right.

(Abu steals the Candle of Magma from Haroud and throws it to Aladdin, who fumbles it.)

Aladdin: Whoops!

Haroud: You were saying?

(The group of thieves runs back towards them.)

Thief: There they are! Get them!

Aladdin: Uh, could have happened to anyone!

(Aladdin picks up the candle and starts to run away. He runs up a pile of crates, but slips and falls into a barrel. The barrel rolls past the thieves and breaks. Aladdin tries to detangle himself from a rope that was inside the barrel as the thieves run towards him. He tries to run away but slips on a fish, and when he falls another fish gets stuck on his head.)

Aladdin: Hey!

(The thieves jump on Aladdin and they start fighting. Meanwhile, Haroud picks up the Candle of Magma, which has fallen on the ground.)

Haroud: Our business here is done, sir.

Abis Mal: (still stuck in the basket) Yes, yes! Excellent! Uh, be a pal and help me out of this, huh?

(Haroud drags Abis away.)

Iago: (flying back toward Aladdin) Call for backup, that's my policy.

(Carpet is right behind Iago, and Iago points down to where Aladdin is still trying to fight off the thieves with a fish still stuck on his head. Carpet flies down and picks him up.)

Aladdin: What… what's wrong with me?

Iago: (pulling the fish off Aladdin's head) You heard the man! Curse of Clumsiness. I wouldn't wanna be you!

Aladdin: No, there's gotta be some cure! Genie'll know what to do… I hope. (struggles to keep his balance on Carpet as they fly away)

(Setting: Jafar's lab.)

Genie: Curse of Clumsiness?! Never heard of it.

Jasmine: It looks like Jafar had every magic book there is. There must be something in them!

Aladdin: Heh, thanks Jasmine. You always know just what to say.

(Jasmine walks away just as Aladdin leans over to kiss her, and he falls to the floor, almost knocking over a table covered with potions.)

Genie: Careful, Al! No telling what could happen if you spilled one of these potions!

Iago: (carrying a book) Relax, guys! I found every evil wizard's greatest reference book: The Joy of Curses. If it isn't in here, it doesn't exist. (starts reading the book) Let's see… aches and pains, acid stomach… boils! Ooh, that's a good one!

(Aladdin is leaning on the table full of potions. He slips and knocks it over, and the potions all go flying across the room, where they combine to form a six-headed dragon.)

Genie: Ooh, what a mess! (vacuums up the dragon) Gotta get these six-headed dragons right away or they'll leave a stain.

Aladdin: Ugh, that's it! I've had enough! Genie, zap me!

Genie: What do you mean?

Aladdin: Cure me! Just use your powers to make me normal again!

Genie: Oh, Al, bad idea! Mixing magics is dangerous! The last time I tried it on someone, (shudders) oh, I'm still picking pieces of that guy outta my hair!

Aladdin: But Genie… (stumbles) Whoa! I can't go on like this. We'll have to take that chance.

Genie: (nervous) Well, okay… Everybody duck! This could get messy! (zaps Aladdin)

Aladdin: Hey, I feel normal! Genie, you did it!

Genie: Well, let's run a test before we break out the party favors. (turns into a football player) Go long, Al!

(Genie throws a football to Aladdin, who catches it, then stumbles backwards down a flight of stairs.)

Genie: Uh huh…

Iago: (still reading the book) Wait a minute! Look at this!

Jasmine: Did you find the cure?

Iago: No, but I did find this. And if Abis Mal has it we're in big trouble!

(We can now see a large illustration of the Candle of Magma in the book.)

(Setting: Abis Mal's hideout.)

Abis Mal: So, where did you get the money to buy that Curse of Clumsiness? Have you been dipping in the petty cash?

Haroud: There is no curse, sir! It was a ruse!

Abis Mal: A ruse? A ruse? Oh, a ruse. Yes, I thought you said "shcluze". I was about to try a similar ruse myself.

Haroud: Of course. But the matter at hand, sir?

Abis Mal: Uh, right, yes, the candle!

(They light the candle and place it on the floor. A crack opens up in the floor, and a creature who looks very similar to the candle except made of molten rock climbs out of it.)

Abis Mal: That's two really nice entrances in one day!

Magma: Who summons Magma, Lord of Volcanoes?

Abis Mal: Uh, that would be me. You, my igneous friend, are going to make me a sultan!

Magma: (holds Abis over the crack in the ground, which is filled with lava) You dare call Magma to this frigid land?! Magma will return to warm inner Earth.

Abis Mal: (scared) Okay, sorry, see ya!

Haroud: He summoned you, ifrit! According to ifrit law you must stay and do his bidding until you have fulfilled his request.

Magma: Then, thin one, tell Magma, how can he make a sultan of this fat one?

Abis Mal: Not to worry. We've got it all worked out. (to himself) Fat one?

(Setting: Sultan's toy room. Sultan is playing with his model of Agrabah.)

Sultan: (singing) Happy happy little Agrabanians, all buying bread…

(A crack opens in the floor and Magma bursts out of it.)

Magma: Sultan! You will surrender your kingdom to Abis Mal.

Sultan: What?! Never!

(Magma throws a handful of lava at the model city, melting it.)

Magma: Then all of Agrabah will suffer the wrath of Magma! (laughs)

(Setting: the Marketplace. Heat is rising out of the ground, and people are having a hard time walking without burning their feet. A tree catches on fire, and the water in wells is boiling away. Omar the merchant is sitting on his fruit stand to keep his feet off the hot sand.)

Omar: Heat that rises from the ground! It is the work of demons!

(A cart next to him catches on fire, and the fire quickly spreads to the fruit stand.)

Omar: We can't live this way much longer!

(Setting: the palace. Sultan, Jasmine, Genie, Carpet, and Iago are entering a room.)

Sultan: Aladdin! You've got to do something, the c—

(The group sees that Aladdin is tangled up in some curtains and is hanging upside down.)

Sultan: My dear boy, how did you ever get up there?

Aladdin: Uh, I tripped on a pillow?

Abu: Oh, brother!

Jasmine: Aladdin, Agrabah needs you!

Aladdin: I can't do anything, Jasmine. This clumsiness is getting worse! I'm… I'm… (sigh) I'm all washed up.

Jasmine: Don't talk like that. Clumsy or not, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I have faith in you.

Aladdin: Well, I'll do what I can. (untangles himself from the curtain and falls to the floor) Ow!

(Genie appears in an elevator, dressed as an elevator operator.)

Genie: On your feet, Al! (pushes everyone but Sultan into the elevator)

Aladdin: Hey, where're we going?

Genie: Well, the heat is coming from underground, so I figured we'd go straight to the source!

Sultan: Oh my!

(The elevator drops quickly; everybody screams. It then stops just as suddenly.)

Genie: Bottom floor, Earth's core, last one out's a saddle sore!

(They look out of the elevator and see a hellish landscape of fire and molten rock. Magma is directing the flames up toward the surface and laughing, while Abis Mal and Haroud watch.)

Abis Mal: That's it, Magma! Make those Agrabanians sweat!

Iago: I think we're just a scootch out of our league!

(Aladdin and Jasmine try to sneak towards the bad guys, but Aladdin trips on a stalagmite and falls at Abis Mal's feet.)

Abis Mal: (chuckles) Graceful as ever. Magma, take care of this, uh…

Haroud: Street trash.

Abis Mal: I was going to say that!

Magma: The pleasure is all mine.

(Genie turns himself, Iago, and Abu into clowns, and they all spray seltzer on Magma to distract him while Aladdin gets away.)

Genie: Send in the clowns!

(Aladdin does a flip towards Abis Mal and Haroud, but misses them and falls screaming off a cliff and towards a river of magma.)

Aladdin: Genie!

(Genie dives after Aladdin, while the bad guys advance on Jasmine. Carpet tries to stand in their way, but Magma singes him.)

Abis Mal: I can't bring myself to destroy such beauty… All right, I'm over it. Fry her, Magma!

(Magma is about to throw some molten rock at Jasmine, but Genie rises back up out of the canyon, carrying Aladdin.)

Genie: Don't break out the skillet yet, boys! (hangs Aladdin on a stalagmite by his vest) Nothing personal, Al. For your own safety. Ours, too.

Aladdin: Genie! Let me down!

(Genie turns into a 1930's gangster with a tommy gun.)

Genie: I'm puttin' you three on ice!

(Genie shoots ice cubes out of his machine gun, completely covering Abis Mal, Haroud, and Magma. Magma breaks through the ice, but all three of them are still shivering.)

Magma: Ooh, such cold! But it is not that easy to be rid of Magma!

(Genie turns into a construction worker driving a cement truck, and pours cement over the three bad guys.)

Genie: A little rough, but they'll look nice in the park.

(Magma tunnels out of the concrete and grabs Jasmine.)

Aladdin: Jasmine!

(Genie runs toward Magma, but Magma traps him with some slabs of rock. Jasmine tries to get away, but Magma throws her to the ground.)

Magma: You have angered Magma. Now you will face his fury.

Aladdin: No! Jasmine!

(Magma is about to drip molten lava onto Jasmine, but Aladdin manages to free himself from the stalagmite, slides on a piece of the melting ice, picks up a piece of rock and slides over to Magma, blocking the hole at the top of his head where the lava was coming out. While Magma is writhing in pain, Aladdin turns around, slides over to Jasmine, and carries her to safety. Just as Magma manages to get the rock out of his head, Aladdin and Jasmine slide off the cliff and land on Carpet.)

Aladdin: Let's go!

(Genie finally manages to drill his way out of his stone prison, then drills a hole in the ceiling of the cave so they can escape. Everyone else follows him on Carpet.)

Abis Mal: They're escaping! (to Magma) I leave you in charge for one minute…!

Magma: Hold your tongue, fat one. Do not tempt me to violate ifrit law by destroying you.

Abis Mal: Me, tempt? I would never… tempt. There will be no tempting! I'm a tempt-free zone over here.

Magma: This Aladdin has made a fool of Magma! And Magma shall have his revenge!

(Magma creates a pillar of fire underneath the ground the three are standing on, lifting it up into the air and through the tunnel Genie created.)

(Genie continues tunneling until he reaches the surface, and they emerge in the Marketplace. The bad guys arrive just after they fly away, and everyone in the Marketplace runs away.)

Magma: They're gone.

Abis Mal: Blast those… uh, hmm…

Haroud: Meddling pests.

Abis Mal: I was going to say that! They could be anywhere!

(Aladdin and the others are at the top of a minaret, looking down at the bad guys.)

Aladdin: Jasmine, when I saw Magma threatening you…

Jasmine: You broke the curse!

Aladdin: Hey, you're right!

Iago: Has it occurred to anyone else that maybe there never was a curse?

Genie: Of course! It was all in your head! You thought there was a curse, so you thought you were clumsy! You just lost your confidence!

Aladdin: And now that I've got it back, watch out, Abis Mal!

(Abis Mal, Haroud, and Magma are walking through the empty Marketplace.)

Magma: (shivering) The surface is cold. Magma will freeze before he can find Aladdin!

Haroud: Then let's not find him.

Abis Mal: Are you a quitter, Haroud? You know what I say about quitters! Okay, what do I say about quitters?

Haroud: I simply meant, sir, that we make Aladdin come to us.

Abis Mal: (sarcastic) Oh, that's good. I suppose we just stroll into the palace and invite him to grovel at my feet!

Haroud: Precisely.

(Setting: the Marketplace, a short while later. Abis Mal is giving a speech to a crowd. Aladdin and his friends are still in the minaret, watching him.)

Abis Mal: Citizens of Agrabah! I have sent my advisor to the sultan with an ultimatum. I demand to be given the throne and to have Aladdin delivered into my hands immediately or I will burn Agrabah to a cinder. (to Magma) Give 'em a preview!

Magma: It will be most welcome. (shoots lava at a building, setting it on fire)

Aladdin: We've gotta stop them! Okay, here's the plan…

(Aladdin and his friends appear next to Abis Mal in a cloud of smoke.)

Abis Mal: How about that, huh? Start groveling whenever you like.

Genie: (waving his hands) Abba zabba zoo, flippy flappy flu! (zaps Abis Mal and Magma) You have been cursed with a flu spell! You will now feel all sniffly and gross!

Abis Mal: (sniffing) Uh oh! (feels his forehead)

Magma: (suspicious) Where did you learn this curse?

Genie: Uh, "Better Homes and Curses". Bet you're all achy by now!

Magma: I am not sick. You are a liar, genie! There is no such curse.

Abis Mal: (blowing his nose) No one gives Mama Mal's little boy the sniffles and gets away with it! Toast 'em, Magma!

Magma: As you wish. (surrounds Aladdin and his friends with a ring of fire)

Jasmine: We're trapped!

(Carpet flies them away just before the ring fills up with lava. Magma then starts throwing balls of lava at them; one grazes Carpet, setting him on fire.)

Jasmine: Carpet!

(Carpet falls out of the sky, and they all land back in the minaret.)

Genie: (as one of the brooms from Fantasia) Sweep that problem under the rug, my tasseled chum! (throws a bucket of water on Carpet, extinguishing him)

(Magma creates a ring of fire around the minaret, causing it to topple over. Everyone lands safely on the ground, except Aladdin, who is dangling from a piece of fallen masonry over a well.)

Iago: Oh, my vertebrae!

(Aladdin climbs up and stands on the piece of stone. Meanwhile, Magma digs himself out of a pile of fallen rocks, then walks out onto the stone with Aladdin, over the well.)

Magma: Soon you will be at peace, Aladdin.

(Aladdin notices the stone beneath Magma's feet is starting to crumble.)

Magma: Magma's vengeance has come, and now you meet your end!

Aladdin: Not quite.

(Aladdin jumps off of the stone, which crumbles beneath Magma, sending him falling into the well. A burst of steam comes out of the well.)

Aladdin: Genie!

(Genie bolts a sheet of metal over the opening of the well. Pressure builds up inside it.)

Genie: Uh, I'd stand back if I were you!

(The metal lid on the well pops off, and Magma is hurtled, screaming, towards the sun.)

Genie: (as a scientist) Well, according to my figures, he'll hit the sun smack dab in the middle. I just love happy endings! He'll finally be somewhere warm enough!

Aladdin: Hey, where's Abis Mal?

Genie: Don't worry, Al. I think he's got problems of his own.

(Setting: Abis Mal's hideout. Abis Mal is covered in a blanket, has his feet soaking in hot water, and is sneezing. Haroud brings him a bowl of soup.)

Abis Mal: Darn that Genie and his flu curse!

Haroud: How many times do I have to tell you, sir? There is no curse! It was another ruse! Remember the Curse of Clumsiness?

Abis Mal: Oh yeah? Then how come I'm all sniffly, huh, smart guy?

Haroud: Because you are a complete i… i… (struggling to speak because he is so angry)

Abis Mal: Idiot?

Haroud: (smug) I was going to say that. (walks away)

Abis Mal: How dare you! (hops after him in his tub of water) Haroud! Haroud! Come back here! (trips and falls) Oh, that's gonna leave a mark for sure. Achoo!

THE END