Don't Worry, Speed Racer

I have a question. Yeah? How smart do you have to be to have sex? Well, actually Uh-uh-uh Can I? Uh-uh-uh But I was Uh-uh-uh! Oh, come on. Uh-uh-uh! Why do you ask? Mom's boyfriend's a doctor. Yeah? And doctors are supposed to be smart, right? Not as smart as they think they are, but, uh but go ahead. Well, when I'm in bed, I can hear them in bed. Oh, God. Oh, boy. Oh, goody. And Mom's always telling him that he doesn't know what he's doing. How much do I love this kid? Don't interrupt, Charlie. Go on, sweetheart. So I'm thinking sex must be a lot harder than I figured. I mean, she has to tell him the same thing every night. Every night, you say? Berta. You had a semi-annual subscription, didn't you? Come on, you guys, please? Can't help you. Sorry, no. Look, Jake, it's, it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex. BOTH: Yeah, look at your dad. Jinx, you owe me a Coke. Think of it this way. Suppose you like banana cream pie. I do like banana cream pie. Well, good. Do we have any? No. Well, then, why'd you bring it up? I was trying to tell you something about sex. What does pie have to do with sex? Can I jump in? Uh-uh-uh! How about me? Excuse me, but if I can't talk, you can't talk. Am I right, Alan? Anyway If you don't tell me you like banana cream pie and I keep bringing home something else But I just told you I like it. You want to know what kind of pie your Uncle Charlie likes? Uh-uh! Oh, come on, I Uh-uh-uh! I'm guessing cherry. Uh-uh-uh! Please, I've got this. You've got squat. At this rate, the kid's only gonna get a stiffie at Marie Callendar's. Okay. Okay. Forget the pie. Uncle Charlie said "stiffie. " Yeah, I heard him. My point is, you don't have to worry about being smart enough to have sex, okay? Okay. In fact, there are times when brains and imagination are a distinct disadvantage. Like when you've been married for 12 years and you're only allowed to do the same three things over and over again. In exactly the same way and exactly the same order. like you were some kind of unthinking machine or a trained fricking monkey. Okay. Honestly, how much more damage could we have caused? I bet monkeys like banana cream pie. Capture:FRM@FADEOUT Sync:FRM@�������� Hi, honey. Hi, Mom. What's in the box? Banana cream pie. You bought him a whole pie? I bought him two pies. Why would you do that? It seemed easier than explaining to him that his mother's fianc� isn't really a sexual moron. Oh, hey, Alan. Herb. Why is Jake eating pie in the bathroom? Not now, not now. What are you talking about? Jake can hear you two in bed. Oh, God. Oh, God. He didn't hear that. Um Wh-What, what did he say to you? Well, uh, basically he's worried that when he grows up, he won't be smart enough to have sex Why would he think that? Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a mine field. You think that's funny? No. Well, I will talk to him. No, no. Trust me, talking only makes it worse. Charlie and I tried. Oh, great, Charlie knows about this? That's not the point, Judith. The point is, you need to be a little less vocal. Maybe do what you did with me and smack him on the back of the head when he goes off course. She does that, too. Well, um Thank you, Alan, I will take care of this. Um I'm sorry to dump this on you. Oh, that's okay. I mean, you know, I'm, I'm not judging. I've been in your position. Well, she only likes the one. Yeah, yeah. Been there, done that. Mm-hmm. Or, more correctly, Uh, been there, told I was doing that wrong. Oh, yeah. The truth is, I, uh I kind of like the instructions. It takes out all the guesswork. Sure. Sure. I tend to meander when I don't have, you know, a game plan. Yeah, well, that's never a problem with Judith. She's the Vince Lombardi of sexual intercourse. Well, she did teach me to play through the pain. Yeah. Tape it up and get back in there. Say good-bye, Herb. Bye. Bye. (throws it to the quarterback and Miller has gotta stand back. ) (He's got it at the one-yard line!) Hey. Hey. How'd it go with Judith? It was the most awkward and uncomfortable conversation I've had in my life. Huh. More awkward than when you were a kid and had to explain to Mom why you were hiding a slab of raw liver in your sock drawer? Okay, the second most awkward. What about when she found the warm cantaloupe with a face drawn on it? All right, this was in the top five. I mean it's just unnatural for a guy to have to tell his ex-wife to pipe down while she's having sex with another man. I'll tell you what's unnatural. The look on that melon's face. Fruit should not look surprised. You're the one who gave me that idea. I was joking. You told me it was what the astronauts do. Oh, right. That's how I got you to pee in the Tang jar. Oh, and let's not forget how I convinced you Mom's douche bag was your air supply. Yeah. Yeah. My breath smelled like vinegar for two weeks. Ah those were innocent times. Oh, the kitchen appliances are a little outdated, but you people can cook with your wrist watches now, can't you? You're funny. You're a funny firecracker. Mom? Oh. Charlie. Say hello to Hiroshi Goto. Hi. Hello. Charlie is my number one son. Yeah, but she treats me like number two. Mom, can I talk to you for a minute? Well, of course, darling. Hiroshi, why don't you go enjoy the view from the deck? There's usually pretty girls playing volleyball out on the beach. Oh. I like volleyball. All right, here's what you need to know. He's filthy rich and he's looking for a house on the beach and I have nothing to show him. So you're selling him my house? Don't worry. I told him you were going through an ugly divorce, but before we close escrow, you'll reconcile with Sheryl and back out of the sale. Who's Sheryl? She is a sweet, selfless girl who worked nights to put you through law school while you were sleeping with her sister. Anyway, I have to string Mr. Goto along until I have something to show him that actually is for sale. Oh, I understand. It's called a bait-and-switch and it's a felony. Oh, well, look at you taking the moral high ground. And with nary a bottle or whore in sight. Bravo. Uh, excuse me, why is there an Asian man on the deck? Mom's selling my house. Why? Marital problems. You cheating bastard. Do I have to find another place to live? Yes. Don't worry, sweetheart. Mommy's just running a little scam. But feel free to find another place to live. Anyway, what's new? How's my grandson? Oh, he's, he's fine. Oh, come on, Alan, tell her about the pie. What pie? There's no pie. Jake overheard his mother (spouts gibberish) It's nothing. I just had to have a rather embarrassing conversation with Judith yesterday. More embarrassing than when you were 11 years old, and I caught you with the dog and the peanut butter. You went and did that, too? You told me it was what the cowboys did on a cattle drive. And I didn't have a cow. Is that why you got rid of our dog? I couldn't look at him anymore. Can we move on? Please? I'm sorry, dear. Now, what about Jake? I loved that dog. Well, not as much as your brother did. But go ahead, Alan, what did you have to talk to Judith about? Nothing. Forget it. Oh, come on, Alan. The dog whisperer here got bent all out of shape 'cause Jake caught his mother going at it with her new boyfriend. That's it? He just heard them? That's not enough to traumatize him? Absolutely not. See, Alan, I told you. You would know, Charlie. What do you mean? You don't remember? Remember what? Nothing. I like it! Of course you do. Let me show you the master suite. That's where she caught him. Ah, cheating bastard. What am I supposed to remember? I was the only one that gave that dog any kind of attention. No I remember. Charlie? Yeah? What are you doing? Drinking. Why are you doing it here? I can't be alone right now. Okay. What's going on? I remembered, Alan. Remembered what? I was eight years old, it was late at night. I must have had a bad dream or something 'cause I walked into Mom's room and I saw them. Saw who? Mom and some guy. They didn't hear me at first 'cause the water bed was making a lot of sloshing noises. At least I hope it was the water bed. Oh, yeah, Mom's water bed. Remember how we used to bounce up and down on it playing lumberjack and? Will you forget the damn bed?! The bed's not important. Sorry. Anyway, at some point they realized I was standing there, and the guy said to me, "Don't worry, Speed Racer, I'm not hurting your mom. " Speed Racer? Remember, I had the Speed Racer pajamas? Oh, yeah, yeah, our Christmas pajamas. Yeah, you got Speed Racer and I got Laverne & Shirley. So typical. This is not about you, Alan! This is about a horrible moment in my life that I completely repressed: Mom and the man with the big red mustache. Oh, God. I just realized why Yosemite Sam always made me nauseous. And I'll tell you the worst part. Worse than Laverne & Shirley pajamas? Alan I am amazed I'm not a raging queen. We all are. Anyway, the next morning I asked Mom what happened and she said she didn't know what I was talking about. And when I kept asking, she threw a shoe at my head. Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah, the four-inch heels. Oh, she was deadly accurate with those. She could knock a melon out of your hands from clear across the room. Will you get your mind out of the produce section? I've got a problem here. Come on, Charlie. It happened years ago and you turned out Yeah, you got a problem. Thank you. I got to tell you, it does help me feel a little better about Jake. I mean, he didn't see anything, and at least we haven't been lying to him about having sex. No, no, you just taught him to associate sex with pie. Hey, at least I didn't talk him into putting crotchless panties on a Butterball turkey. Oh, right. Best Thanksgiving ever. You told me it's how the pilgrims got through the harsh winter. Oh, come on. He's got to be asleep by now. It doesn't matter. He could wake up. So we'll be quiet. I can't be quiet. Oh, come on. Please? Oh, all right. No, no, not that way. Slow down! I'm still awake! Are you happy? I may never be happy again. Mm, pie. Rose, did you ever suddenly remember something that you blocked out years ago? You mean like a repressed memory? Yeah. Yeah. You ever had a repressed memory? I forget. Get it? A little psychology humor. Freud was the first one to use it. Aha. It's much funnier in German. Hast due mals gehabt ein unterdrucktes Gedachtnis? Ich vergesse. So what memory did you repress? When I was eight, I walked in on my mother having sex. Interesting. Interesting? How about devastating, horrifying, traumatizing? Wow. What, was she, like, blindfolded and tied to a bed while two guys slapped her butt with Ping-Pong paddles? No. Hmm. Was she riding around the room on a goat while an albino midget dripped honey? No, no! No. It was just sex. One mother, one man. (singsongy): Boring. Oh, come on, Charlie. It's not an uncommon occurrence. I myself have walked in on many people having sex. Accidentally? My point is, you've recovered the memory, and you can get on with your life. No, I can't. What if it's not the only repressed memory? What else is lying just below the surface ready to burst into my consciousness? Am I going to wake up tonight remembing my mother in the shower with my Uncle Donald? Who I suddenly realized wasn't really my uncle? Sounds like you don't have to worry about that one anymore. Oh, God, it's all coming back. Uncle Donald, Uncle Steve Uncle Jorge. I bet I wasn't related to any of those guys. This is all good, Charlie. Keep going. Oh, boy. What? Not only was Aunt Wendy not my aunt, there was no snakebite on her boob. Oh, hey. What are you doing here? Uh, well, we were hoping that Actually, I was hoping that, uh, maybe He wants me to stay here tonight so he and Mom can have sex. Oh. Jake, I'm sure that's not the reason, right, Herb? No, that's pretty much it. Excuse me. Where are you going? To tell Mom that her indiscriminate bed-hopping has scarred me for life. Jury's still out on me. What do you want, Charlie? We need to talk. You should have called first. I'm a little under the weather. Yeah, well, I'm not feeling so great myself. I've started remembering things. Well, call the poor girls, apologize and stop drinking so much. No, I'm remembering things about you. Things from my childhood. Wait a minute. What are you doing? You can't even look at me, can you? I don't care what you think you remember. I was a terrific mother who loved you even though you were a horrible little boy. Now go away. Mom, this is important! Mom? You ruined Yosemite Sam for me! Dagnabit, this isn't over. Oh, God! Charlie? Don't worry, slugger. I'm not hurting your mother. OK,i have to catch my bus. Good night, Berta. Hey, Dad, guess what I found in Mom's bedroom. You know what? I'll take a cab. An empty canof whipped cream. Whipped cream. No kidding? Yep. And you know what I'm thinking? I know what I'm thinking. Uh-uh-uh! What? Either whipped cream has something to do with sex, or Mom hides pie in her nightstand, too. Hey, a gal can do both. Uh-uh-uh! Hey. Hey, what happened to you? What are you talking about? I thought you went to Mom's. No. Then where were you? I don't remember. What do you mean, you don't remember? It's called a repressed memory. Now drop it! Any one of you you lily-livered, bowlegged varmints care to slap leather with me?! I'm the hootinest, tootinest, shootinest bobtailed wildcat! I'm the fastest gun north, south, east and west of the Pecos!