Bar Mitzvah Hustle

Okay, Debs, check out that couple over there. Wait, that wasn't me! I would never How great is this thing? It throws farts up to a hundred yards! Well, if it makes you happy. So happy. It has a two-gig fart library that analyzes your laughter and recommends farts based on your comedic sensibility. You enjoyed Perhaps you'll enjoy Oh, that is nice! - Hey, guys. - Hey, Snot. You know Etan, my bar mitzvah study buddy. Okay, Bubbie Judy, I'm just coming to the end of the stairs now. The motor stairs. That's right. I'm almost at the bottom, so I got to get off, okay? I got to keep going. I know. I love you, too. I have to go. Bye, Bubbie Judy. That was my grandmother. I call her every day, not because I have to, because I want to. You should too. Shaloms all around. And, Debbie, a super shalom to you. I didn't see you at temple this year for Yom Kippur. You missed some off-the hizzy atonements. You were busy? Actually, I've sort of moved away from traditional religion. Then might I suggest you check out the Jewish mystical tradition of Kabbalah? It's your Judaism after dark. I didn't know you were so spiritual, Etan. Hey, I'm spiritual, too! I'm terrified of ghosts. Well, I got to go shave. It's been a couple of days. But I'll catch you later, nerds. I like my women like I like my dreidels: bottom-heavy. I'll be blunt: I'm coming on to you, Deborah. It's true. This is what's happening. The matzoh ball's in your court. He's so mature. I'm mature. You enjoyed Perhaps you'll enjoy He's right. I did enjoy that. Very much so. Has anyone seen my cell phone? Why don't you call yourself from the land line and listen for the ring? Because it's still on vibrate from the movies last night. Why did I take consideration for others into account? Why?! Yes! Found it! Wait, this isn't my phone. It's not even real. It's my phone, and it's full of jelly beans, and they are my jelly beans. It's a green jelly bean. I'm not gonna take this. Damn it! I'll never find my phone. You know, they should invent a way so that if you lose your cell phone on vibrate mode you can call it, enter a code, and the phone rings. That is a great idea. That's a million-dollar idea, and we're gonna sell it! What? You're having a laugh at me. Francine, you know I only laugh at Two and a Half Men. Charlie Sheen sleeps with whores, then has breakfast with a fat child. It's funny just talking about it. Well, Snot, that is the superball conundrum. We want them to bounce higher and higher, but we risk losing them. What in the world is this? Cool! High-tech invitations to Etan's bar mitzvah! He's rented out the fanciest ballroom in town. Dang! For my bar mitzvah, I have to get to the park by dawn to get the picnic table by the swings. It's the only one that doesn't have a swastika or a boner carved in it. Wait. Where'smyinvitation? Etan's talking to Debbie. I wonder if he's inviting us as a couple. No need to wonder, Steve, I just loaded up my question gun. Time to go answer-hunting. Hey, Etan, just making sure that Excuse me a moment. Good stuff, good stuff. Now, where was I? Etan, can you give us a minute? Sure. I got to go set up my gift registry anyway. I'm registering at Neiman Marcus or should I say, Needless Markup. That's high-brow. Steve, I'm sorry, but well, Etan asked me to be his date to his bar mitzvah, and I said yes. What?! You're dumping me for that snobby rich kid? Steve, I don't care that he's rich. I care that he's mature. I'm sorry, but I need a man not a boy. A boy? Could a boy produce tears this big? She thinks Etan's more of a man than me. You know what I think? I think a man doesn't sit around pouting. A man doesn't get sad, Steve. - A man gets - Even! I was gonna say a chocolate lab puppy. I'm already sick of it. Can you walk it? There's no reason you can't walk it and get even. Wait, I know. Etan cares about his bar mitzvah more than anything, right? And what do kids get for bar mitzvahs? Gifts, and lots of 'em. Say no more! Okay, say more. I don't I actually don't know where this is going. Etan took what was precious to me, so I'm gonna take what's precious to him. That's right: I'm gonna rob Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah! {\TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES Etan took what was precious to me, so now I'm going to take what's precious to him. Are you going to achieve that by robbing - Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah. - Okay, we got it. Great job, everyone, great job. I just get paid the most by far, but you all make it work. All right, Roger, I finished my research and devised the perfect plan to rob Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah. And once Debbie sees him freak out over losing his precious gifts, she'll realize that he'sthe little boy. She'll be so turned off, she'll come running back to me. The fat one? You're still trying to win back the fat one? Right. Now, I analyzed blueprints of the ballroom and watched every heist movie from the Apple Dumpling Gang to Oceans 12. I know. Don't even get me started on the whole Julia-Roberts- playing-Julia-Roberts thing. It wasn't even a little wink to the audience. - It was a huge plot point. - I know! Anyway, the planning stage is over. - Time to assemble my crew. - I'm in. Sorry, but my plan requires a crack squad of professionals, starting with a getaway driver. A wheelman? I know the perfect guy: Lucius Mayweather. He hustles eight-ball out of a bar in East Langley. Are you Lucius Mayweather? - Who wants to know? - Roger? What the hell? Roger? No, Lucius. You must be the white boy looking for a wheelman. I'm in. For God's sakes, I'm assembling my own crew. That cracker's got a crack in his head, if you ask me. You hustling me, boy? In order for my plan to work, I need the world's greatest computer hacker, the world's best demolitions expert, and the world's most flexible contortionist. Unfortunately, I wouldn't know how to begin to get a hold of them. Which leaves me with you 3. Barry, Toshi, you know my Uncle Roger. - Yeah, on my mom's side. - Wait, why isn't Snot here? Snot's too close to Etan. He'd never betray him. But don't worry, Snot will have a role to play before this is over. Okay, this is the layout of the ballroom. And this is where Etan's gift table will be. Roger, your job will be to tell Etan that someone's trying to steal his gifts. - That's crazy! - Trust me, Trust me, this plan has more twists and turns than Lombard Street. You know, from San Francisco? Yeah, I been there. Now, Roger, you'll be posing as a waiter. A waiter? Cliché! No, I'll be Ernest Shlumpel, Etan's long-lost great uncle. When the Nazis annexed Alsace-Lorraine in 1940, Ernest fled to Mykonos where he invented a kosher lubricant - that tastes like whitefish salad - You're playing a waiter. But I've been developing my Alsace-Lorraine Mykonos accent. - You're not doing an accent. - Oh, yeah? You son of a bitch, you know I'm not a fighter. - What are you doing? - Practicing stirring. Well, you better start practicing your cell phone pitch, because next week we have a meeting with Global Mobile! My God, it's happening. - It's really happening! - It's happening, all right. Unlike that catchphrase I tried to start. "Nuh-uh to your uh-huh!" I'm a fan. Ladies and gentlemen, goys and girls, Etan Cohen welcomes you to Maturity! Welcome! Drop your gifts on the gift table and your pants on the dance floor. I'm talking to you, Aunt Rose. Have fun, everyone! - Steve, what are you doing here? - I'm Barry's "plus one". Mazel tov, Etan. Thanks, Bubbie Judy. So glad you could make it. Special day for us all. Stick around, I'm happy to share a little bit of maturity with you. Come on, Barry. Let's go drop off your gift. This is gonna put my bar mitzvah to shame. The only decorations I have are the police tape left over from my uncle's murder. Hello, Debbie. Shall we dance? I don't think so, Steve. Come on. Old times? I didn't know you danced. I do a lot of things now. Adult things. Gave myself a prostate exam this morning right after I drank a big cup of coffee. Next time I'll reverse the order. Thanks, Uncle Howie. Excuse me, sir, but when I was in the bathroom I overheard a boy saying he was gonna steal your gifts. - What?! Who? - I couldn't see. I pee sitting down because of my joints. If I was gonna steal my gifts, how could I possibly do it? You're only spelling "A" and "C. " I'm signaling the DJ to play more adult contemporary. Up, looks like we got a request for some adult contemporary! Why is it so hot? Etan, you've been standing here staring at your presents the whole party. - Come and dance. - No, someone is trying to steal them. What? Come on. It's the chair dance. Fine. The vent! That's how they're going to steal them! It's happening! It's happening! Let me down! They're stealing my presents! They're stealing my presents! See, thanks to Roger, Etan will think someone's trying to steal the gifts on the cart. But that's just a misdirection. The real gifts we're after are the ones in his jacket. Scams make me so horny. All party long Etan's relatives will be handing him bar mitzvah cards, each filled with cash, checks, and written sentiments that have no monetary worth, but are emotionally valuable. What's gotten into you? No one is trying to steal your gifts. Oh, God. Sorry, Snot. Steve, I have to wear this to my bar mitzvah! Okay, okay, then we'll get it to the cleaners right away. Have the valet pull our bikes around. I'll be out in a second. Attention, I'm no longer accepting request for Brick House. What the? Stop him! Stop Steve Smith! Etan, what are you doing? Your old boyfriend stole my bar mitzvah money. What? The presents were just a clever ruse. He was after the money the whole time. This is a card saying that Steve Smith has paid for a tree to be planted in Israel in your name. What no one will know is that Etan's money will already have left the ballroom, on someone who doesn't even realize it. And I'll sneak the money off Snot before he ever knows. It's the perfect plan. Good, Steve, you're still here. That is, unless Snot returns for some reason and blows the whole thing. Hey, am I crazy, or does this stain look like El Vez, the Mexican Elvis? The cards! He stole them! Of course! You couldn't stand that my bar mitzvah is a million times more awesome than your crummy one's going to be, so you tried to ruin it! And what Steve won't know is that I have my own plan. While everyone's focused on Snot, I'll be heading to the bathroom to share a doobie with the busboy in exchange for an angry handy jay. Everyone thinks Snot stole Etan's money. We have to come clean. We can't. We're in too deep. Here he comes. Stealing from a bar mitzvah?! Toats inappropes! That's for robbing Etan's bar mitzvah. But you're skinheads. You hate Jews. What? No, we're the Lex Luthor fan club. They're the skinheads. I still don't understand how Etan's cards got in my jacket. It's a mystery, all right. Don't worry, pal. Let's look to the future. How's your bar mitzvah coming? He's not going to have a bar mitzvah. Because I'm taking him before the Beth Din! - Beth Din, I don't know what that is. - Yeah, I may have gasped too soon. I know I gasped too soon. Beth Din? What's that? The Beth Din is a council of 3 Jewish elders from a temple which rules on matters of justice. Yours really is a rich and fascinating tradition which we despise. Once the Beth Din hears what you did, not only will they kick you out of our temple, no other temple will take you. You'll never be bar mitzvahed, doomed to walk the Earth for the rest of your days as a child. The rest of my days as a child. {\haunted by a 12th Century {\today's clam chowder How'd the pitch go? They didn't buy it, huh? - We never made it there. - What?! I must have written down the wrong address. We ended up at an abandoned warehouse, where some thugs took my wallet and then held your mother down and made her watch while they kissed my neck. - I'm sorry. I can't do this. - Just say your line. No, forget it. My story makes no sense! We have a cell phone idea, but we never get to pitch it because we get lost. You know what? If someone wants to explain this garbage to me, I'll be in my trailer using this script to wipe my {\TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES Now Snot may never get bar mitzvahed and it's my fault. All because you refused to do the heist my way. How would you doing a goofy accent have changed anything? We'll never know now, will we? There's only one way to save Snot's manhood. I have to tell everyone the truth. Debbie, what a surprise. - So, how's it going? - Not so good. I'm pretty hungry. And I broke up with Etan. You did? What Snot did was unforgivable, but Etan's behavior proved he's not a man at all. Three large pizzas with everything. That's for me. But let's hang out sometime. There was supposed to be a calzone with this. - Did you hear that, Roger? - How Debbie didn't say "hi" to me? - No, I didn't. - My plan is actually working! I think she might wanna get back together! Oh, but she won't if she knows I'm the one who tried to rob Etan. So, now I can't tell the truth to help Snot. Look, if you wanna save Snot, the Beth Din has to be convinced he deserves another chance. You need to find an expert on Jewish law to defend him. Where am I going to find an expert on Jewish law? You really have to ask me that? Hershel Hershbaum for the defense! Don't you worry, kid. I'll win this for ya. We'll get your foreskin cut off, all right. What?! This council will come to order. The accuser will state his case. Your honors, our noble tribe has spent millennia devising a formidable code of ethics. Snot spit on that code when he tried to steal from me. I demand his expulsion from this temple and that you strip him of his upcoming bar mitzvah ceremony. Thank you. Very well, does the defense have a rebuttal? "Ethics" he wants to talk about. Jewish history is a history of unethical conduct. the only true son of God. And isn't it true that the Jews put a "secret sauce" on their Reubens that is actually just Thousand Island?! And who shot Gianni Versace? Was it a Jew? I don't know. It was in Miami. All right, enough of this mishigas! Snot, you are hereby banished from this temple and will never be bar mitzvahed. My bill. Just so you're not shocked when you open it, this big hat was a lot. I'm doomed! Wait! Snot had nothing to do with stealing Etan's gifts. It was me. - I did it. - What? Snot knew nothing about it. I planted those envelopes on him. I did it to get back at Etan for stealing my girlfriend. I'm not surprised. Steve, how could you? If that is the case, young man, then Snot may indeed have his bar mitzvah ceremony. Debbie, wait! - Snot, I'm sorry. - Sorry doesn't cut it, Steve! Look, I already lost my girlfriend. I can't lose my best friend. I promise I'll make it up to you. How could you ever make it up to me? Steve, this is amazing! But how could you afford all of this? I had a garage sale and sold all my toys. A guy's gotta grow up sometime. Hello, Snot, I'm Ernest Shlumpel, your long-lost relative from Alsace-Lorraine by way of Mykonos. Wait. How'd I get here? I think I'm cracked in the head.