Optimo Rex

1 [dramatic music] Hold the line! Hold the line! [grunting] When is the League Of Freedom coming back? I'm outgunned here! You brought a balloon sword to a frog-man fight! No shit you're outgunned! [people screaming] [grunting] I'm on fire in my quads, glutes, and hammies. I thought Rex went to the God's Realm to stop these things. - [grunts] Let's retreat! - I knew one of you was going to say that. Attention! [gun cocks] This is what happens to deserters in the League Of Freedom West! The League of Freedom West closed the portal! - They saved us all! - We did it? [chuckles nervously] Yes! Yes! Gather around, citizens. You'll never know danger as long as the League of Freedom West is here! [applause] We gonna talk about how you were gonna shoot me in the head? [gun cocks] Okay, okay! Question withdrawn! Jesus! [birds chirping] Devizo: But aren't you being a little hasty? Haven't heard from Titanium Rex in months. The country needs a League of Freedom, Devizo. - The public wants you to lead it. - [laughs] Oh, stop it. It's true. They think Rex left them like a farting dog on a country road. Someone must make them understand Rex was in the God's Realm saving us all. Uh, yeah. You were supposed to do that, but you keep canceling the interview! [coughs] Oh, oh, yes. Yes, right. Well, you know, all the paperwork. New subject. I don't know if I want to take over the mansion without Rex here to see it. - Maybe he will be. - What does that mean? Agony: We knew Rex wasn't gonna be here forever, and when he was gone, there would be a vacuum. Our boys in Psi Labs came up with a way to fill that vacuum. Some of Rex's genes contained Subtopian elements we couldn't replicate, so we used donor DNA to fill in the gaps. From betta fish, mostly. Thank you, Stan, but this is my presentation! Thank you! Meet Optimo Rex. [ominous music] [title music] [grunting] 3x09 - Optimo Rex Ah. Robobot's machine worked. We're back! No more worrying about that butt-worm President Ranger. You mean President Lex. Let's all please remember that the futuristic despot we must prevent from existing turned out - to be Lex. - Thank you for that. [Saturn screaming] Uck! Is he okay? Probably not. He just realized that his future self is married to The Groaner. We should probably eh, you know what? It's been a long day. [sighs] It sure has. Aw, it's gonna feel nice to go to sleep in my own bed. Oh God! Hello, Rex One. I'm afraid you have been replaced. Well, that's great, Robobot. You brought us back to an alternate reality where we're all Younger, more attractive, albeit greener versions of ourselves? [humming] No, this is our dimension. We've just returned six months after we left for the God's Realm. Your machine screwed up! You're right. We should've used someone else's time machine. American Ranger, you made a time machine, right? No? That was just me? This is no time for a bit! You look upset. Optimo Rex controls his feelings. He doesn't let his feelings control him. Thank you for sharing! Just so you know, that sounded sarcastic. Rex? Ha! You're back! Oh, I feared you lost in the God's Realm. [emphatically] What is this thing? Him? Well, that is an interesting story, Rex. Well, look who's back! If you think you're just gonna march back in here and take our jobs, you can think again! But seriously, could one of you guys cover me this Saturday? I've got Sugar Ray tickets. They're tight, tight tickets. Cooch: Liplor, where have you been? Oh, you know. After I was freed from Titanium Dax, I bounced around a bit. Then Agony showed up and said I was something called a "dangerous illegal alien. " My choices were to return below the Earth's crust, facing slavery and death, or join this team, unpaid. And uh, Cooch, are you okay? Sorry. Can't focus on a story that long if it doesn't have pictures. Goddamn voice novel. The future, huh? See anything cool? Nope. Saw nothing that I am in any way ready to share with you! Can I have a little time to process the goddamn trip, please? Sure, sure, okay, dude. Relax. You can return this thing to the lab and clear out. This mansion belongs to the League Of Freedom. That's just the thing, Rex. Dr. Devizo and his team - are the League Of Freedom now. - You can't be serious. You were gone, and we didn't know when you'd be back. We had to move on. I'm sorry. Bastard! This was your plan all along, wasn't it? Often, when we're angry at others, we're really angry with ourselves. [grunts] [humming] Dad! We've all been through a lot. Let's just go. [sighs] Could you teach Optimo how to do that? All he's been using his fist for is cracking walnuts. We're leaving. Don't push it. Leaving? Where are we supposed to go?! I may have a line on a fixer-upper. Ranger: You fit every member of the Injustice Club in here? - Yes, somehow we did. - I call the basement! No, no, no. Rex called that one. Actually, should someone check on him? He seemed a little Despondent that his legacy was ripped from his hands by his greatest enemy and hell-bent on the destruction of - the new League Of Freedom? - Yeah, that. Titanium Rex who? Reporter: Today's story, Optimo Rex saved Rex, how much longer are you gonna stay up, buddy? Titanium Rex abandoned us when we needed him most! I hope he never comes back! Rex? Rex? [ominous music] Ranger: Hey. Did you guys see that roach? You didn't? Well, better safe than sorry. [coughs] I know what you're doing, Ranger. Stop it. What? It's just bug repellent. You wouldn't have anything to fear unless you're a bug! Well, I'm not yet. I mean, I never will be. Are you sure? Your future self is the reason my future self was a homeless man subsisting on dog feces. Look, I am figuring it out, okay? See that you do. Devizo: Upon entering the building, we encountered the Electro Beast stealing a comically large gem. [sighs] It was at this point that Bust-A-Nut compromised our cover by yelling, and I quote, "Hey, Electro Beast, I bet you give all the ladies the shocker. " [knocks on door] [sighs] What is it? Hey, boss. Rim Tickler is attacking Storm City. What's the plan? Oh, the Rim Tickler, the villain that no one has ever heard of, ever?! Can you handle it, please?! Hey, yeah! You got it, boss! Anyway [clears throat] it was at that point Electro Beast became agitated. I ordered him to get on the ground. When he refused, I [knocks on door] What?! Hey. Marjory is asking for Friday and Monday off you know, a super weekend? Is that cool? Jesus. Does that woman work a full week ever? Fine, yes, whatever! I ordered Bust-A-Nut to subdue the beast. Bust-A-Nut was electrocuted badly, at which point I produced a maiming ray and wow. I am justifying the use of my maiming ray. Being a hero sucks. A life of service is the only life worth living. You really don't need to stand here. Rex, you haven't been upstairs all day. This isn't like you. No, that thing out there calling itself Rex is not like me! There's something off with that clone, and I want to know what it is. I'm accessing the League's computer system. - Here we go. Oh, okay. - What? Look. I'm going to tell you this, but you have to promise not to freak out. They had to edit your DNA to account for your subtopian genome, and while they were in there, they made some - their words not mine "improvements. " - Improvements? Uh, you know, standard stuff temper, personality, disposition, body odor, penis shape. Can I quit there? Oh, that's just [chuckles] That's just great. [laughing] It it's funny, right? [laughing maniacally] Oh no, that's a crazy laugh. He's gone completely insane. [laughter continues] Oh! Can someone tell me how I'm supposed to store my Dear, God! What is this? Every interaction I've ever had with The Groaner. I'm trying to unearth any evidence that I'm in love with him. Maybe start at this shrine you constructed and go from there? What? Th this is an investigative tool. For God's sake, man, look how your lens worships his body. I'm good with filters. What do you want? For this conversation to end, now. [pings] Hey, Liplor! [grunts] Hey! That freaking thing almost took my head off! - Cooch? - Hey, Liplor. - Want to play hooky? - What does "hooky" mean? I don't know. I think it means we do whatever we want instead of cleaning our new lair. Hmm. Is it okay if I hooky with Cooch? Are you are you asking me? Do whatever you want, dude! I'm trying to take a dump up here! - And now I've said that. - Let's roll! Robobot: There, all done. Well, am I you know? Consumed by your insect DNA and becoming a monster? - Not yet. - Yet. Your mother's entomorphic DNA hybridized with Rex's Subtopian genes in interesting ways, giving you the power to change your form. It comes from my mother's side you know, the Nazi death mantis? Devizo talked me into using it to mess with the League's heads, but I thought I should give it a rest. Smart move. The more your insectoid powers are used, the harder they'll be to contain. So, it's my choice whether or not I become a Murderous bug monster? That's right. - Thanks, Robobot. - Run along, now. I'll be here working on a way to kill you if you choose poorly. Okay. Yeah, bye What? [knocks on door] Saturn: Ooh, those must be the index cards I Prime Now-ed for my gorky bee! Those words can't possibly mean anything. - Oh, great! It's - Optimo Rex. I didn't get a chance to greet you properly. Just what what are you doing? You are my other's greatest, most loyal friend. You're special. You deserve love. You make a good case. You can get back in here if you want. Unless you brought my index cards, - you better get the hell out of here! - Index cards? Yeah. I'm just trying to organize my thoughts. Recently found out I'm gonna marry some dude - I've been trying to kill for years. - Perhaps your obsessive hatred was the only way you knew how to express love. No. That's stupid. [whispers] What are you doing here? I would like to speak to Titanium Rex. I am not pleased that our previous meeting resulted in aggression. Rex has been down there stewing for the last 24 hours, so now's probably not the best time. - Oh, you're such a good daughter to us. - What? You are the best thing other Rex has ever done. Has he ever told you that? Oh, you know, we don't really talk about that stuff. Kind of nice to hear. [chuckles] You're amazing. You should know that. Oh That's so nice of you to say. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. You've got to leave. If Rex sees you, he's gonna Oh shit! [door opens] You Get away from my daughter! Dad, wait! Dad! It doesn't have to be this way, Rex. I'm not here to replace you. I am you. You're a godless abomination! You shouldn't talk about yourself like that. [emphatically] I am not you! [yelling] [panting] I have upset you. I will leave. What are you waiting for? Attack! Rex, he's a sensitive soul. I think you should just let him leave. I didn't ask you what you think! I'm not asking what any of you think! - No. No, you aren't. - Dad, you're acting crazy. I'm crazy? You're the one defending that thing! Maybe you should follow Ranger, eh? - Fine, go. I'd rather be alone. - Rex. Maybe maybe I need a little help, Robobot. I'm glad you can admit that. I'll call a psychologist right away. That's not what I mean. You can repeat that cloning process, right? Son of a bitch. [slurping] What are you looking at? Ain't you see anyone play hooky before? Not a giant rock monster, no. Well, now you have. Keep walking. Got some reports of someone playing hooky around here? - What's it to you? - I'm a truant officer. My job is to make hooky players go to school. Oh, really? Even if those hooky players are [grunts] - What the hell? - Run, Liplor! You can keep the cup. It's got a free refill. These scrubbers are coming in early to prepare the tank. - Take a break. Come on. Hurry up. Go. - I'm going. Well, that felt dirty. Dr. Devizo wants a clone of me on his team? We'll see how he likes it. You want to clone Devizo? But but we don't have his DNA! I've been staying in Devizo's old lair. You'd be surprised what you find in a shower drain. I don't want to ask, but what is that? - Dr. Devizo's pubes. - Oh my. - Om - Hey, Lex. What are you doing? Meditating. Robobot says I can control my insect side if I Yeah, cool. Listen, trying to get to the bottom of this weird "I'm gonna marry The Groaner" thing. Any ideas on how to keep it from happening? Are you sure that you want to keep it from happening? Huh Wow. Okay - Uh, need a minute on that one. - Great. I will be here. [Ranger's voice echoing] Subject appears to be resting in her human form. I can see her buggy, little eyes scanning the room. I'd be scared if I wasn't dead positive she couldn't see or hear me. Lex: Oh "M" God. Ranger: Using the Lord's name in vain. - Disappointing, but not surprising. - Ranger, get out of there. Oh, Lex! Was just checking the air filter. Could you give my leg a little tug? [shouting] Come on. Ranger: Oh! Oh! At which point, Bust-A-Nut squatted over the Jade Hammer's face and bounced up and down in what was later defined to be as "teabagging. " Then Bust-A-Nut was verbally reprimanded. The mother [bleep] end! [calmly] How did I get here? - Sir? - Ah! I wanted nothing more than to take the League from Rex, like he took Lex away from me. But with him gone, it feels empty somehow. - You miss him. - What? No, no. That's stupid. [sighs] But he was such a great foil. I'd work on a scheme for years, and then, through some dumb luck, he'd bring it all tumbling down. [laughs] Oh, really kept me on my toes. Rex is a mirror. Without him, you can't know yourself. Sort of, I I guess. You really cut to the quick, don't you, Mr. Freud? [Rex shouts] Dr. Devizo! Rex, we were just talking about you. Oh, that's funny, because we were just talking about you. Okay, you and Robobot were t I don't get it. Where'd he go? Oh, no. Hey, you! Come back here! [breathing hard] Dr. Devizo, meet your brother. I call him Dr. Degrado. [gasps] You cloned me? [laughs] You see? That's what I'm talking about. [hisses] [snarling] Is that another clone? Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! [hisses] [snarling] - What are they doing? - Don't you know anything about clones? They've got betta fish DNA in 'em, man! They see another clone, and they tear it apart! Next time you're going to play God, pick up the phone, will you? Ask for help? We gotta keep 'em apart! Everybody, grab that clone! Okay, okay, [grunts] come on. Now, listen. Listen to me, boy. [whispers] Go get him. Robobot: No! [shrieks] [music] You thought you could replace me? Well, how do you like me now? [shouting] They gonna destroy Storm City! We can't let them. League Of Freedom O-oh, my God. Do you guys see what's happening here? We've traded places! I'm a hero, and you're a you're a goddamn supervillain, man. Wait. What? That's stupid. No, no, no, no! Look around. Seriously. You had a scheme, now it's threatening all of Storm City. No. I-I I was just trying to Hey, don't explain it to me. I've been there bruised ego, murderous impulses. It's my wheelhouse, baby. But look, the heroes need to go save the city, so you stay here, shaking your fists and yelling, "I'll get you next time," or something, and then A lot to think about. Huh, Rex? You don't have to tiptoe around it, Robobot. If we leave now, we can beat Devizo downtown. What are you gonna do, Rex? Save the goddamn city. From the mess you created? Fine, yes! Can we just go now?! Just wanted to be clear. Hey, Ranger. Can I talk to you for a second? I suppose, as long as it's human talk and not you rubbing your legs together. [mimics crickets chirping] I know you don't trust me. I wanted to give you something that might change your mind. - What is this? - Robobot made it. It attacks insectoid DNA. So if I ever start acting weird, one shot of that, and my head will explode. Lex, I couldn't possibly begin to describe what an honor it would be to explode your head if the need arises. I'm sorry I ever doubted you. Think, Saturn. What did you miss? On one of your first missions, you faced off against The Groaner. You thought he was funny as shit, could never get him out of your head. From that moment on, thought about him when you woke up, when you went to sleep, wanted to know what his thoughts were on movies, the world, wanted to be a better man just so he'd notice. Oh, dear God! I've loved him from the moment I met him! I've been in love with him from the moment I met him! I'm in love with The Groaner! [laughs] - I'm in love! I'm in love! - Finally we kissed for the first time - It's a glorious day! - How could I have missed All of the signs? [laughs] - You are in my arms, feeling so fine - [sniffs] Ah! - The day we fell in love - I am in love! [snarling] Good goddamn holy shit! [yells] Rex: Get down, Saturn! You handle Devizo's clone. I'll deal with this one. What did he say? - Oh, well. I'm in love! - Finally we kissed [yells] Hey! I know you're better than this! You're better than me! That's right. I said it. Look, I was furious when my team connected with you, but why wouldn't they? You listen. You care about people. You're all the things I wish I was. - You mean that? - Yes, I do. I'm I'm honored to have you as my clone. - You're amazing. - I'm not really comfortable - with you touching me yet. - Understood. - Rex, what happened? - He used his body to create distance between your clone and me and his words to close distance between our hearts. I suppose you'll be waiting for the media to arrive to tell them how you saved the city and deserve to lead the League. No. I've lost track of why I started doing this in the first place. If I get the League back, it'll be because I've earned it. I was almost looking forward to you being a villain, - but I'll settle for being your friend. - Work friend. Yeah, totally. That sounds better, doesn't it? [panting, laughing] Oh, Groaner? Groaner! [door opens] - Saturn? - Groaner! - What are you doing here? - I have something to say. Groaner, I love everything about you. I love your little bow tie. I love the way you make jokes just for me. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I promise, if you give me a chance, I'll make you happy, and I'll be a great husband someday. I love you. - Oh, Saturn - Yeah? Really wish you would've called first. I'd like to introduce you to Patty Mime, my girlfriend. [music] Lex, Ranger, you both tried to check me, and I acted like an ass. I forgot that the both of you are the best parts of me. Thanks for staying by my side. It's great to have you back, Rex. What's next? Now, we show the world we don't need a mansion to be heroes. Cooch, I truly appreciate you hiding me, but Sergeant Agony will be looking for me. Don't worry. I've got a plan. Do you really have a plan, or are you just saying you have a plan? - The last thing you said. - Oh God.