The Tourist

(Opens showing a beach planet. Zoom out a bit to show various other planets against a map. Wander's finger comes into view, pointing at each one; the planets light up one at a time in turn, showing it's a digital map.)

Wander: (offscreen) You been there? Been there? Been there? Been there?

Off-Screen Voice: Yes, uh-huh! You betcha! Indeedy-do!

(Cut to a front-on shot of Wander and someone else looking at the map. Wander rolls it up and puts it in his hat; the action exposes the other person: an old woman in a jumpsuit, riding on a scooter.)

Wander: So you saw the – (Close-up, he wiggles his arms.) La-oo-la-oo-la-oo?!

Old Lady: Ooh, it was terrific! But it was no – Arooga-dingle-lingle-ling!

Wander: You've been to – Arooga-dingle-lingleling-ling – too?! (goes over to Sylvia, lying on a beach chair) Sylvia, isn't this amazing?!

(Widen to frame the ocean in front of them.)

Sylvia: (sighs) It sure is.

(Wander turns to Trudi and continues conversing with her; his dialogue inaudible. A waiter comes up.)

Waiter: Welcome to Planet Ziziks, what'll it be?

(Side view of them)

Sylvia: Uh, one Flarvarian Float, two straws?

Wander: (offscreen) I can't believe – (cut to him) you've been to – Arooga-dingle-linglelingle-ling!

(Back to Sylvia)

Sylvia: Uh, and a translation guide, if you've got one?

(The waiter leaves; Wander takes his place.)

Wander: Sylvia, I met another wanderer! Can you believe she's been to as many places in the universe, as me?!

(Close-up on the explorer, who gives a happy shrug. The title appears, freeze-frame. She rides her scooter over to Sylvia and shakes her hand rapidly.)

Old Lady: Name's Trudi, Trudi Traveler, and I'm pleased as punch to meet 'cha and greet 'cha!

Sylvia: Yeah, likewise. (widen to frame her drink) Ooh, and speakin' of punch –

Wander: When you went to Glowerp, did you see the – (blows raspberry, double claps) and the – RAWWWWWER! And the – BZZZZZZT!

(Garçon is obviously not impressed by this. Cut to Sylvia as he puts the drink next to her)

Waiter: (offscreen) I'll just leave it there.

Trudi: Why, I loved the – (blows raspberry, double claps) And the – RAWWWWWER! And the – BZZZZZZT! And the – FLOOSHY SLOOSHY SLOOSHHHHHH!!!

Wander: I LOVED THE – FLOOSHY SLOOSHY SLOOSHHHHHH!!! (pauses) Wait a minute. I haven't seen the flooshy slooshy sloosh.

(Widen to frame Trudi)

Trudi: (chuckling) Well, you're young. You'll catch up someday! Anywho, I should toodles. Places to go, sights to see, you understand. (Close-up, she leans toward Wander) Or do ya?

(Her words throw a sudden shock into Wander's head as the camera widens to frame her. She blows an orbble around her and floats out of sight. Pan slightly to the right to focus on Wander, silence.)

(Cut to Sylvia, holding the drink)

Sylvia: (sighs) Nothing like a Flarvarian Float to start off a relaxing vacay, huh?

(While saying this, Wander walks up to her, worry written all over his face. Both purse their lips to drink up, but Wander lowers his head)

Wander: Aww... (indistinct) I can't stop thinking about the flooshy slooshy sloosh.

Sylvia: You really wanna see the flooshy slooshy thingy? (Wander nods.) Well, then...Come on. Let's go! (Close-up of the table as she puts the drink down, she continues offscreen.) The vacay can wait.

(We hear a blowing sound on the end of this. Wander and Sylvia float upward in an orbble behind the drink.)

Wander: SYLVIA'S AWESOME!!!

(Cut to a close-up of a sign reading "'Old Slooshy' erupts in" with a timer reading 1:00 under it. The timer's numbers roll over to :59; tilt downwards to Wander and Sylvia surrounded by other aliens along with a geyser, Old Slooshy, in the background behind them.)

Sylvia: I gotta admit, this is exciting.

(Close-up on Wander, who taps his shoulder and looks up. Cut to the sign; the timer changes from :48 to :47. Tilt down to Old Slooshy, it begins to steam. Back to Wander, he looks up. Back to the sign, the timer changes from :40 to :39. Wander, who briefly glances at Old Slooshy before looking back up. The sign, the timer changes from :34 to :33. Wander, he taps his shoulder faster and stares anxiously.)

Wander: That thing seem slow to anyone?

(Close-up of the timer; it changes from :29 to :28. Brief shot of Wander's tapping finger then back to the timer. It slowly changes to :27; cut to Wander's stamping foot and shift back to the timer; it slowly changes to :26. Cut to Wander's staring face as sweat rolls down his cheek, then cut back to the timer. Slowly, it starts to change to :25, but it suddenly snaps back to :26. Cut to Old Slooshy as Wander yells while running up with a giant plunger. He slams it onto Old Slooshy and plunges with it for a bit; suddenly the ground rumbles, and Old Slooshy erupts. Wander floats atop its bursting water, cut to Sylvia, who applauds.)

Sylvia: Oooooh.

Wander: (lands next to her) Well, that's done. (grabs Sylvia, zips off) Let's go!

(Cut to the overview of Planet Ziziks as Wander and Sylvia's orbble approaches it.)

Sylvia: Happy, Wander? (close-up) You got your flooshy slooshy thingy, and I got my Flarvarian Float waitin' for me back on Ziziks. (Wide shot) Let's get this vacay underway!

(She zooms off, but suddenly comes to a halt in front of Trudi.)

Trudi: Well, isn't this a treat? Where ya'll comin' from?

(Close-up of Sylvia, Wander slides in behind her.)

Wander: We just saw Old Slooshy!

Sylvia: My favorite part was the slooshin'!

Wander: And now we're even!

(Cut to Trudi)

Trudi: Isn't that nice? By-the-by, (holds up a digital postcard) while you were off seein' Old Slooshy... (Close-up of the postcard which shows an Egyptian styled museum) I toured the Museum of Ginormous Antiquities... (slides it to a picture of her with a giant hoagie) I tasted the galaxy's biggest hoagie... (slides it to a picture of her in front of Hotel Shmancy) And stayed at a fancy-shmancy hotel. (Widen to frame Wander and Sylvia) Seasoned traveler like you, surely you've been to all those places? (Wander shakes his head) Gee, whackers! I'm no math whiz, but I think that means...I'm ahead. By three. (Wide shot) Toodles! (scoots away, but comes back) Not that it's a contest, that'd be silly-willy. (leaves, comes back) But if it was... (close-up, whispers to Wander) I'm winning.

(Wide shot, she scoots offscreen. Pan slowly to the left, Sylvia was impressed, but Wander is worried again)

Sylvia: Sooooo...who's parched? (chuckles) Aside from me?

(Close-up on Wander)

Wander: Aww...I wanna eat, see and stay at those places. Respectively.

(Pan over to Sylvia)

Sylvia: Wander, you're not getting competitive, are ya?

Wander: Sylvia! (wide shot, stamps his foot in time) I am offended at the implication! I am simply – expressing – a natural – curiosity!!

Sylvia: Yeah, alright, alright, don't get your socks in a bunch. (inhales, sighs) I guess they do sound like fun side-trips. And the vacay can wait.

(Wander clomps to Sylvia's head, squealing excitedly)

Sylvia: But as soon as we're done, we're headed straight back to Ziziks for my float! Got it?

Wander: (slides down to her back and grabs her rein) Yeah-yeah-yeah, sure, fine, just hang a right, and ignore the speed limit!

(Pan quickly to the Museum of Ginormous Antiquities. Cut to inside; Wander and Sylvia are admiring everything they see)

Sylvia: It's so big!

Wander: It's so big...

(Close-up of the astounded Wander as his eyes flick back and fourth. He smiles; cut to the entrance to the museum's gift shop, he instantly rushes inside. Cut to a close-up of the top of a rack reading "Museum post cards". Tilt downwards as Wander screeches to a halt in front of it. He reaches his hand out; close-up of the rack as he slaps his hand across it, causing it to spin around. Brief shot of his beaming face; his eyes rapidly turning side to side to follow the action. Back to the spinning rack.)

Wander: (offscreen, talking fast) Beautiful, impressing, inspiring, just as good as the real thing. (Wide shot, the rack stops spinning.) Done! (zooms out of the room)

(Back to Sylvia, Wander grabs her rein and runs off)

Sylvia: Hey!

(Pan quickly to a hoagie shop; cut to inside showing Sylvia at a table as she ties an orange neckerchief around her neck. In front of her stands a giant hoagie.)

Sylvia: Then again, I am kind of peckish.

(She opens her mouth wide, but the hoagie slides away just as she attempts to chew it. Pan to Wander on the other end of the table, wolfing down the entire meal. Back to an angry Sylvia as we hear Wander burp; he walks up, body entirely full.)

Wander: Check, please!

(Pan quickly to Hotel Shmancy; snap to Wander and Sylvia in an elevator in the hotel's lobby. Both are holding suitcases – Wander's are brown with yellow and green stars, Sylvia's is dark blue and patched. Next to them stands an elephant bellhop. A ding sounds, and the elevator rises, the camera follows it as it goes past the various floors. Wander is grinning widely; Sylvia is obviously not impressed by this.)

Sylvia: If you think a stay at Fancy Shmancy's fancy hotel will make up for you eatin' my dinner – (gasps as she sees the hotel's spa) Whoa! There's a spa!

(Cut to an elevator door as a ding sounds; it opens to reveal Wander, Sylvia and the bellhop. Sylvia is now beaming as excited as Wander)

Bellhop: Enjoy your stay.

Sylvia: We will!

(Right on time, Wander rushes out of the elevator and into a room, then rushes back)

Wander: We did!

Sylvia: We WHAT?!

(Pan quickly to the overview of Planet Ziziks from earlier)

Wander: Trudi was right, those places were amazing!

(Close-up on a deadpan Sylvia)

Sylvia: (sarcastically) Oh, were they? I wouldn't know.

(Pan left to Wander)

Wander: Take it from me: One of the two most traveled folks in the universe, they were!

(Wide shot, Trudi scoots up to them)

Sylvia: (scoffs, lowly) I really hate that sound.

Trudi: Well, isn't this a nice surprise?

Wander: (through teeth) Isn't it!?

Trudi: It is!

(Extreme close-up of Sylvia's eyes, which roll disgustedly. Widen to frame Wander.)

Wander: We just got back from those three great places you told us about.

Trudi: Well, I guess that'd make us tied! If I hadn't had just gone to five more!

(Cut to Wander, whose face instantly shows shock in close-up. Cut to Trudi's postcard, showing her next to a golden temple. She slides it off to show four other pictures: first is her sniffing a bloomed flower. Second is her next to two seahorse like creatures making out. Third is her looking uneasily at two hula dancing female aliens. Last is her in front of a city made entirely out of glass.)

Wander: (offscreen) Impressive!

(Back to Wander and Sylvia, the former smiling widely.)

Sylvia: Impossible! She drives at the speed of dusty molasses!

(Back to Trudi, who smiles and scoots off. She suddenly comes back.)

Trudi: (whispering) Five. (Wide shot, she leaves.)

(Close-up on the shocked Wander, he slides off Sylvia onto the bottom of the orbble.)

Wander: Aww...I wanna climb, observe, witness, enjoy, and ride those things. Respectively.

Sylvia: Wander, I don't think it's –

Wander: PLEEEEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEEAAASE?!!

Sylvia: No! No! Uh-uh! No way! Not gonna –

(On the end of this, cut her perspective as Wander slides into view, smiling pleadingly. Shift back to the disgruntled Sylvia)

Sylvia: Okay!! But only if you agree to take it nice and slow! (smiles) Deal?

(Wander hugs her snout, squealing. He gets on her back and holds her rein)

Wander: Let's go!

Sylvia: (sighs) I'm sensing a troubling pattern here.

(Widen to frame Planet Ziziks as they set off)

(Pan quickly to:)

Sylvia: (offscreen) The Temple of Backalakabingbong – (Cut to her and Wander) was a place of solemnity and fortitude.

(Wander runs to the top of the temple)

Wander: Done!

(Pan quickly to a planet with flowers and leaves)

Sylvia: (offscreen) The delicate Tardilius plant – (Cut to her and Wander in front of the flower from Trudi's picture) blooms hourly, awakening slowly to show its splendid petals.

(Impatiently, Wander rushes up to the flower and forces its petals open)

Wander: Done!

(Pan quickly to a blue planet with a mother board pattern, with various pink grasses.)

Sylvia: (offscreen) The courtship ritual of – (Cut to her and Wander in front of the seahorses) the Lorb requires patience, and –

(Wander forces the seahorses to kiss each other)

Wander: Done!

(Pan quickly to a Hawaii-styled planet with a tiki at the top.)

Sylvia: (offscreen) The Klerblatz Ceremony you're witnessing – (Cut to them, watching the hula dancers and a drummer) has been unchanged for thousands of years.

(Wander knocks the drummer away and takes over, causing the hula dancers to dance differently. They eventually fall over)

Wander: Done!

(Pan quickly to the glass city from Trudi's photos; a bus drives toward it. Next to it is a sign reading "Slow please".)

Bus driver: (voiceover, amplified) And now we are entering Shatterton: the town made entirely of glass!

(Cut to inside the bus)

Sylvia: (no nonsense) Of...course, we are.

Bus driver: We'd better take it slow, or –

(Not thinking, Wander grabs the bus driver, throws him out of the scene and takes over. He slams his foot into the gas pedal, causing it to break into the floor. Cut to outside the bus as it speeds up; ignoring the speed limit sign which lists 2. The bus rushes past the glass buildings, causing them to wiggle a little. Cut to a sign reading "Now leaving Shatterton, please drive carefully". The bus runs straight through it.)

Wander: Done!

(Pan quickly to the overview of Planet Ziziks, close-up on Sylvia.)

Sylvia: I think we're clear. (Trudi zooms in front of her.) WHOA!

Trudi: Well, howdy-hoo!

(Cut to a shocked Sylvia, Wander comes into the scene, pushing her mane down.)

Wander: Five, I saw five! Fiiiiive!

(The last word is accompanied with him leaning closer to the camera to show his face. Cut to Trudi, who hangs her head.)

Trudi: (sadly) Ohh, I only saw four.

(Back to Wander's face.)

Wander: Really?!

(Back to Trudi, her sadness snaps back to her usual optimism.)

Trudi: Tee. Four-tee. FOURTY!

(She takes out her postcard; Wide shot as Wander grabs it; close-up as he repeatedly slides through the places as he mutters indistinctly. Wide shot, he gives her back the postcard.)

Wander: Got it! (Close-up, he grabs Sylvia's rein and swings his hat.) HEE-YAHH!!!

Sylvia: Hee-yahh?

(Wander whips the rein hard; Sylvia whinnies. Cut to the orbble as it zooms around, bouncing off one planet after another. Wide shot of a set of planets as the orbble bounces around them like a pinball machine. Brief shot of Sylvia's face as she pants; Cut to a map of the galaxy, panning across as a dotted line traces from planet to planet while the orbble rushes past.)

Wander: Seen it. Saw it. Done it. Did it. Yup! Yeah! Sure! Fine! Good! Great! Got it! Win it! Victory! Will! Be! Mine!

(Cut to Wander on the last word. Pan quickly to the overview of Planet Ziziks seen many times as of now. Sylvia is panting, close-up as she falls down. Trudi zooms up to them.)

Trudi: You're a worthy opponent, Wander. (Close-up) Seems we are now...even. (pause, angrily) I don't do even! Planet Pharphlung! You, me, there, NOW!!!

Wander: You're on! (She goes on her way; to Sylvia) Let's go, Sylvia!

(His mood suddenly changes; he looks back. Zoom out to show Sylvia, she is now in her own orbble and has her hands folded.)

Wander: Come ONNNNNN!!! Adventure, sights, exploring! FUNNNNNN!!!!

(Close-up on Sylvia.)

Sylvia: My feet hurt. I'm tired. I don't even wanna think about how thirsty I am. Ugh...now I'm thinkin' about it! (sighs) You gotta choose, Wander. It's her or m –

(She stops. Widen to show Wander is gone. Sylvia hangs her head and moans sadly.)

(Pan quickly to an empty area of space; Trudi and Wander rush into view from the center. Both glare at each other with determination. Cut to a planet where various vehicles are in a jam around it. The space travelers rush toward it; cut to a behind shot showing Wander far behind Trudi. Side view as he manages to take the lead. Close-up on him.)

Wander: (looks ahead) Huh?

(Widen to show that Trudi has managed to take the lead. Overview of the planet as they leave; cut to a mine-like planet with craters as the two rush through one of them. Behind shot as they make their way past the stalactites and stalagmites; Trudi is still leading. Side view as Wander takes the lead)

Wander: Ha-ha! Ha! Wha?!

(Behind shot; Trudi has once again taken the lead. Overview of the planet as they leave; behind shot as they rush up to an amusement park. Both ride the ferris wheel; followed by the airplane ride; then they land on the rollercoaster tracks and rush across them. Wander jumps in front of Trudi; close up of him as he screams. Pull out to show Trudi took the lead. Overview of the amusement park as they leave; cut to an area of space as the two rush into view. Cut to Wander as he runs faster; cut to Trudi who follows suit. Shift back and fourth between Wander and Trudi five times; increasing in speed. The last time Wander is seen, a blinding light shines, causing him to stop. Snap to black except for their orbbles; a light twinkles before them, then expands outward and explodes. In front of them, a burst of light is being formed withen a ring of cloud)

Wander: Oh, my! It's the birth of a star! (inhales) It's so...beauty-ful!

(Front-on view of the two, bathed in the ethereal glare)

Trudi: Puts things in perspective, doesn't it? (Extreme close-up of her face) I...I don't know what to say.

(Brief shot of Wander's astounded face similarly displayed. Widen to frame Trudi as she sticks her hand out. Close-up, her hand comes out of the orbble as to hold Wander's hand. Suddenly, she produces a nail)

Trudi: (offscreen, sharply) Actually, I do.

(Wide shot; she pops Wander's orbble, leaving him spinning in mid-air.)

Trudi: (zooming off) Eat it, fuzzball!

(Wander blows a new orbble, the nail falling down behind him. Cut to just from behind the orbble as Trudi scoots away; Wander stands up and sees this, jaw dropped in complete sadness, then looks down at the nail, his mood instantly being replaced with firm realization. Close-up on him, he looks up and raises the nail into view.)

Wander: I've been doing this all wrong!

(Dissolve to a view of the Planet Ziziks beach from earlier; Sylvia is back in her lounge chair. Close-up of the table as a waiter puts down a Flarvarian Float, but with only one straw.)

Waiter: (offscreen) One Flarvarian Float, one straw.

Wander: (offscreen) Uh, better make it two.

(Wander raises his pointing fingers into view on the end of this. Zoom out to frame he and Sylvia, he is occupying a second lounge chair, which he has set up next to her.)

Sylvia: Wander!

Wander: Sylvia, I am so sorry. I got so caught up in proving myself the most traveled tourist in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!! I've forgot the real reason I love wanderin' in the first place. The roses ya stop and smell aren't as sweet without your best pal to smell 'em with you.

(Near the end of this, Sylvia's eyes begin tearing and her mouth quivers.)

Sylvia: (sniffs) D'aww, man! What are ya – (sniffs) tryin' to do to me with all the sappy sappiness? (sniffs) Garçon! One more straw!

(Right on cue, he comes over and adds a straw to the drink. He leaves; after a while, Wander and Sylvia grab hold of the drink. Sylvia drags it toward her, but Wander drags it toward him. Both happily argue over the drink for several seconds.)

(Dissolve to Trudi on an unknown planet and floating still. Silence)

Trudi: WHERE ARE YOU?! (more silence, a second Trudi scoots up) Did you find him yet, Trudi?

Trudi 2: Nope.

(A third Trudi comes forth.)

Trudi: Did you, Trudi?

Trudi 3: Nope.

(A fourth Trudi flies overhead.)

Trudi: Did you, Trudi?

Trudi 4: Nope.

(A fifth Trudi joins them.)

Trudi: You, Trudi?

Trudi 5: Nope.

(A sixth Trudi joins them as well.)

Trudi: How 'bout you, Trudi?

Trudi 6: Nah.

(A seventh Trudi flies by.)

Trudi: Any luck, Trudi?

Trudi 7: Sorry, Trudi, nope.

(An eighth Trudi flies up.)

Trudi: You?

Trudi 8: What?

(A ninth Trudi flies above them.)

Trudi: How about you? (enter a tenth Trudi) You? (an eleventh and twelfth) You? (Several others surround them, she sighs) We'll never find him.

(Enter one more Trudi.)

Trudi 9: Give it up, Trudi! Technically speaking, the furry fella did win.

All Others: Oh, just stop it, would ya, Trudi?!

(Snap to black.)