Dial Meg for Murder

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those Good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Good evening. I'm Diane Simmons. In traffic news, heavy gridlock on the 195 interchange. We now go live to Drunk Billy in the Channel Five News copter. This just in. Channel Five News copter pilot, Drunk Billy passed away today. In anticipation of this we put together a clip package featuring some of Billy's work for Channel Five. "'I'm still hungry, ' said the very hungry caterpillar. 'But you've already"' Drunk Billy will be missed. But what you shouldn't miss is the Quahog Rodeo coming to the civic center this Friday. Tickets are on sale. For those of you who are handy with a horse, entry spots are open. - Seems like the kind of thing Peter - Too late, Brian. Peter, you're gonna enter the rodeo? That's stupid. You don't know anything. You're in terrible shape. That's the difference between you and me. When life comes knocking, you hide in the kitchen. I fling the door open and say, "Peter Griffin here. What do you got?" If that don't convince you, look. In this TV Guide. "Peter gets more than he bargained for when he joins the rodeo. " Well, it's in The Guide. Can we make that a thing? Can we start calling TV Guide, The Guide? You know, I'm not asking. That's what we're doing. Who says I couldn't be a rodeo star? I got more cowboy blood in me than Billy the Kid. Well, he robbed his way From Utah to Oklahoma And the law just could not seem To track him down And it served his legend well For the folks, they loved to tell 'Bout when Billy the Kid came to town Dad, what are you doing? All right, Meg. This is only gonna hurt for about three weeks. What the hell? That there's my steer, Griffin. All right, Lois, go ahead. Say it. Ugh. Chris, it's time for supper. All right. I am ready for the rodeo. Mom, when's it Dad's turn? I don't know. But we should all pray for your father that he comes out uninjured. Those horses stink and it's too hot in here. I fell asleep in the car, so now I'm cranky. - This is a disgusting display. - Oh, you can say that again. Nothing like a bunch of adult men teasing animals for fun. They twist the bull's balls before they run, that's why they're jacked up. It's amazing that this is still legal. The reason I'm here is my idiot friend is in the rodeo. I came because I'm writing a magazine article. One of the competitors is a 13-year-old female riding prodigy. She got on the bull to miscarry and found out she had a talent for it. Ladies and gentlemen, give an indifferent East Coast welcome to the newest bull rider, Peter the Kid. You know what I am back at the ranch? I'm a breeding bull. What's that? You're gonna find out. Where are you going, fatty? We're gonna have a party. No. No. - What magazine do you write for? - I'm the editor for Teen People. Editor? Well, gosh. You know, I'm something of a writer myself. I wrote for The New Yorker for a while. Wow, that's impressive. Are you looking for work? Oh, no. No, no, no. I never have to look too far for that. What do you? What do you got? We're looking for someone to write on the everyday activities of the American teenage girl. Oh, I love teenage girls. It's ahead of them. They haven't turned into bitches. Oh, it's true. What happened to all of us? I got a house on the Cape. Maybe you come visit. Maybe. You call a few days in advance to give me time to get the house clean. Okay. You bring a blazer so we can go to a range of restaurants. I'll bring a blazer. You see this, Rupert? Most children build a sand castle. But I'm building a sand retreat for singles in their 30s. Hi. I'm Jeremy. I work in corporate finance. Hi. I'm a French Canadian girl down here on my vacation. It's a big deal for me to be down here on my own. I like the pool with the bar in it because you can sit on a bar stool and you're in the water. I like how all the food and drink is included in the price. You don't have to bring your cash down from the room. I was just looking for a friend of mine. So maybe I'll see you later. Good for you, Janine. You promised yourself you'd talk to somebody and you did it. Brian, what are you doing? Shh. Writing an article on girls for a magazine. I'm studying Meg to see what goes on during her day. Be careful you don't fall off that ladder. Not all dogs go to heaven. Says here you were involved in the plotting of September 11th? Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel. Gosh. Okay. Into the eternal pit of fire, you go. Brian, just because you're writing a profile on teenage girls it doesn't mean you have to be a stalker and follow Meg all day. It's called research, Stewie. I'm being thorough. Where is she going? There's nothing out in this part of town. What is that? What is an adult correctional institute? - It's a prison, Stewie. - Ah. One would think they could just say that. - Hi, Meg. - Hi, Luke. Oh, my God. Meg's dating a convict. It looks like Consuela's son is in prison. I see you soon, Rodrigo. It's really good to see you, Meg. It's been a while. I know. I'm sorry, Luke. It's so hard to get here without anybody finding out. Have you gotten the letters and hair I sent? It's the only thing that's getting me by. Thank you. - How'd your parole hearing go? - Not good. Looks like I'm gonna be in here another three years. Oh, Luke. I don't expect you to wait for me. I will, Luke. If it takes 10 years or 20 years I will be here when you get out. Oh, my God. Meg's involved with a convict. Wow, Meg's one of those crazy chicks who hooks up with an even crazier guy. Brian, you bastard. How could you do this to me? I'm sorry, Meg. I had to tell them. Don't give him crap for this, Meg. He did the right thing by coming to us. Don't you know what kind of fire you play with dating a prisoner? Hold on, Lois. This is serious parenting. I'm gonna go put on my Cosby sweater. Mom, you don't understand. Luke and I really connect very deeply. He's all alone in there and I'm all alone out here. In a way, we're both in prison. There's a big difference there. He's in prison for a reason. He broke the law. He robbed a convenience store to pay for medication for his mom. Oh, I'm sure he gave you a very convincing sob story, Meg. It's not a sob story. It's true. Come on. You think I was born yesterday? I've dated convicts, I know how they talk. One day they promise you the world. The next day you're spitting balloons of heroin into their mouths during visits. Luke, doesn't do drugs. Frankly, I don't care, Meg. I do not want you seeing him again. - I can't find the sweater. - How did you even meet him? We had a pen pal project at school. When it was over, Luke and I kept writing to each other. - Well, it stops now. - But, Mom, I love him. - It stops now, Meg. - Your mother's right, Meg. You gotta be careful who you get involved with romantically. - Hello? - I'm in the mood for some coitus. - Get over here. - I can't. I'm with my family. Pick up wine on the way. Angela, if I'm the only guy at work who can solve it I'll be right there. Luke, what are you doing here? I escaped. I escaped because I couldn't bear another second away from you. My God. How did you get out? I filed a toothbrush to a fine point and stabbed the guard with kids. - What? - I'm just kidding. Oh, I'm still getting used to your sense of humor. There was a riot in the prison yard and I slipped over the fence. Well, quick. Get in here before somebody sees you. Oh, Meg, I've wanted to do that for so long. That taste better than a guy's penis, I tell you. Ha, ha. Now I know that was a joke. Ha-ha-ha. Whatever. Mom, can I be excused? I wanna go eat my food in my room. Sure, Meg, if you want. Eating disorder. I don't know what's going on with Meg. She doesn't wanna leave her room. She's depressed because she's in love with a man she can't be with. Listen to that. Poor kid banging her headboard into the wall out of frustration and loneliness. Probably got her legs up in sadness. Listen to her now. Washing her face off in the sink after crying so much. Probably got tears in her hair, poor thing. I'll go up and talk to her. Am I the only one who thinks she's getting fucked up there? Hey, Meg. You okay in there? Uh, yeah, come on in. - Everything all right? - Yeah, yeah. Everything's fine. Listen, uh, I feel like I should explain myself a little bit here. I'm sorry I had to tell Lois what was going on. You just You gotta realize I was only thinking about your Ugh, Luke, you might as well come out now. - Luke. They let you out of jail? - Not exactly. He broke out to see me, Brian. We're in love. Are you crazy? You can't harbor a fugitive. That's a felony. Only if someone finds out. Are you gonna do it? - Are you gonna tell on me again? - Well, l Brian, if you don't come back, I'm eating the pie designated for you. Wait. Why is that guy wearing a prison jumpsuit? Think, Peter. Think. Wait, hang on. Sunday. Sunday. Here it is. "Peter gets more than he bargains for when he joins the rodeo. " Boy, did I. "And Meg dates a prison escapee. " Oh, no. Luke, run. Joe, it's Peter. Two things. First, when I was at your house I liked the rearrangement you and Bonnie did with your furniture. Second, come outside. There's a convict running across the street. Peter, first off, thank you. I have to admit I was a little disappointed you didn't say anything about the living room rearrangement. Second of all, oh, my God. I'm on my way. No, Luke. Don't run downhill. You're going to jail, punk. No, Mister Swanson. You can't take him. Yes, I can, Meg. He's going back to jail. If you're taking him to jail, you have to take me too. I know. That's the plan. You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict. Well, that's only fair because after all, I did hide him from the What? - Uh, hi. - Did you also get caught trying to vote in Ohio? Well, this is it. Meg gets out of jail today. Seems like yesterday we rented her room to that fly that wants to leave, but can't figure it out. Okay. Where now? I'm having some trouble here. It's right there. Right in front of you. No, I can hear you. Volume's not a problem. - I'm not seeing what you're referring to. Fly out the window. Up here, maybe? No. No, that's not it. Just more wall. How many eyes do you have? Just two. Same number as you. Just go. Oh, my God. I'm not getting it. Whatever it is, I'm just not getting it. So I'm just gonna go back upstairs. I think we should go together to pick Meg up. She's probably fragile after being in there so long. And I'm sure she'll be heartened to see our faces. I'm home. You're all my bitches now. Okay. - Meg, you look so different. - How was prison? First question. Who's the biggest, toughest guy in this house? Well, I don't like to toot my own horn. But I believe I hold the distinction of My house now, bitch. Now, who's the funniest? I know my way around a joke. For God's sake, Dad. Have some humility. It'll save your life. There better be beer in the fridge. I liked her better when she was predictable. Like the stock photos on a corporate website. I'm a woman in a coat, wearing goggles staring at a beaker I'm holding near my face. I'm Latino in a hard hat. But I'm also wearing a tie, so you know I'm a supervisor. We're students listening to our professor. But the class is taking place outside? - Hey. - Meg. - What are you doing in here? - Shower time. Yeah. For me. Not for - What are you doing with that loofah? - Don't worry about it. Aah! You told me not to worry about it. I should have been worried the whole time. Meg, honey. I did all your laundry. Oh, my God. What is that smell? - It's my poop bucket. - What the hell? I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room. That's disgusting. No, you use the toilet here like everyone else. - No. - Ugh. God, it smells horrible. Can you at least empty it each time you use it? I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips. Oh, my God. Are you using my shirts as toilet paper? Yeah. And I think I might need some right now. Get out now or stay and get weird. Your call, warden. Hey, who's the new dude? Oh, my God. That's Meg Griffin. She just got out of prison. Hey, Meg. What'd they put you in jail for? Being ugly? Hey, Meg. What happened? Did you get out early for fat behavior? Nice tattoo. Did you get your butt hair braided too while you were in there? What'd you do? Carve a gun out of soap and then not wash with it? Ha, ha. Pee-yew. Meg, you gonna take those soda cans to the Shaw-skank Redemption Center? Peter, Meg's been suspended from school. - That's okay. Whatever she wants. - She cracked three kids' skulls open. Ever since she got out of prison, she is completely out of control. Don't you see? That's what the system does. Turns small-time offenders into hardened criminals. Look at Meg. They took an innocent girl and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak. What did you say, Brian? Oh, I was picking up on something Lois said. What was it? What did you say? About Meg being a freak? Oh, no. I didn't say anything. Peter said something about Meg, which I completely disagree with. That wasn't me. Stewie was laying into Meg about something. - It was Stewie. - Definitely Stewie. So now everyone understands me? Look, Meg, we're just worried about you. Well, don't. I can take care of myself. I'll be out of here by the end of the week. Punch yourself in the face. Punch yourself in the face. Right, he doesn't know what he's doing. You, fatso. Punch your baby in the fa - I did good, Meg? - Shut up. I did good. I did good. Drive. - Uh, any particular direction? - That way. You help me get some money so I can get out of this town. Really? Where are you gonna go? I don't know. Somewhere far away. Maybe China. I hear they got NASCAR there now. What kind of birdhouse can you build with popsicles, roofies and a mallet? It's for a rare African bird called none of your business. Hi, Meg. Can I help you? Hands in the air, Goldman. Oh, my God. What are you doing? - Give me your money. - Here. Here. Just take this jar for the leukemia kids. I don't give it to them anyhow. - Meg, put down the gun. - Brian, get back in the car. Look, don't do this. This isn't you, Meg. What happened to the girl we knew? The one that Luke fell in love with? The one he's expecting to see when he steps out of prison in 40 years? I don't care about Luke. I don't need him. I don't need anyone. If you don't put the gun down, I'll be forced to call the police. Good. Call the police. I want you to. What do I care if I go back to prison? Nobody cares about me anyway. You're wrong, Meg. I wanna show you something. Teen People? It's the article I wrote about you. You wrote an article about me? They wanted a story about a typical teenage girl. Is it "A Fistful of Backne: Tale of a Teenage Loser?" They make the title. Read paragraph three. This isn't a library, you know. "And in the face of every adolescent challenge" she looks at the world through hopeful eyes and maintains an uncommon resilience that can be admired. In this sense, Meg Griffin is not the typical American girl. "She is far sweeter and kinder than that. " Oh, God. That is so nice, Brian. Did you mean all that? Of course I did. Oh, my God. I can't believe I did this. I was just so tired of being everyone's whipping girl it felt kind of good to do some of the whipping. Give me the gun, Meg. Thanks for reminding me who I really am. Well, at least I didn't get robbed. And what can I do for you four fine, black gentlemen today? I gotta say, I like you so much better like this. Me too, Meg. God, it must have been horrible in there. - It wasn't so bad. I met Wesley Snipes. - Is that right? Yeah. Oh, and you know what's funny? He was inmate 57 too. He was inmate 57. See, he did a movie called Passenger 57. Ah, well, terrific. Always end on a strong joke.