Sisterly Love

[D.J. is in the studio auditioning for the commercial, as Jesse and Stephanie watch nearby (see Gallery).]

D.J.: Hey, moms and dads, come real close to the set. [The camera zooms in.] Send all the kids out of the room. Are they gone? Good. [Cut to the cue card and then back to her.] I've got a secret. Oat Boats are chock-full of vitamins and minerals. But don't let your kids know. They'll eat them anyways because they taste so great. Yeah, Oat Boats! Now, remember, this is our little secret. If the word gets out, I'll deny everything.

[As D.J. drowns her sorrows in juice, her father joins her at the kitchen table.]

Danny: I take it that things didn't go so well at the auditions.

D.J.: Ohhhh no.

Danny: They probably gave it to somebody's relative.

D.J.: Ohhhh yeah.

Danny: [when Jesse enters] I know, D.J. didn't get it.

Jesse: Here's something you don't know: Steph did.

[In the kitchen, Stephanie is rehearsing the commercial, when D.J. comes downstairs and joins her.]

Stephanie: 'I love Oat Boats because Stephanie takes heaping spoonful of cereal. They taste great. She takes a bite.'

[D.J. laughs, causing Stephanie to give her a dirty look.]

D.J.: Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead. Rehearse. [She sits down.]

Stephanie: 'I love Oat Boats because Stephanie takes heaping spoon…' [D.J. laughs again.] If I'm doing something wrong, will you help me?

D.J.: You didn't need any help when you stole my part.

[D.J. takes the cereal box from Stephanie and starts eating it.]

Stephanie: Fine. You can have it.

[She acts like she's going to leave. Then, catching D.J. off-guard, she grabs the box back and runs, and D.J. gives chase.]

D.J.: Give me that right now! Give me it!

Stephanie: No way, José!

D.J.: Give me it! [They reach the opposite ends of the table.] You're a thief!

Stephanie: You're jealous!!

D.J.: Thief!

Stephanie: Jealous!

D.J.: Give me that, Stephanie Judith!

Stephanie: No, Donna Jo Margaret! [She screams as she crawls under the table, while D.J. crawls on the table. After reaching the opposite side, she crawls under the table in an attempt to catch her sister, while asking herself...]

D.J.: Why am I crawling?!

[In Joey's room, D.J. tries to peddle away her anger on a treadmill, and he & Jesse come down to talk to her.]

D.J.: Let me save you a lot of trouble. You're right, I'm wrong, and I don't care.

[Jesse powers off the treadmill, and she hops off and mopes on Joey's bed. Joey and Jesse give each other the "You talk to her" gesture, and it's Joey's turn.]

Joey: Listen, D.J. Jesse and I strike out on auditions all the time. Being a performer is basically a series of rejections occasionally interrupted by work.

D.J.: Oh, yeah? Well, did either of you have a part stolen by your little sister?

[She gets up and walks off angrily, the gesture is done, and now it's Jesse's turn.]

Jesse: You know something? She's r--D.J., you're right. Stephanie stole that part right out from under you. In fact, she planned this whole thing. She tricked us into bringing her along, pretending that she cares about you.

Joey: The conniving little sneak.

Jesse: And then you fell into Stephanie's fiendish little trap by doing a great audition.

Joey: The monster.

Jesse: Meanwhile, the sinister little Stephanie...used her telekinetic powers to send us out of the room so she could steal your commercial.

Joey: I say we light some torches, find the she-devil and drive her into the night!

D.J.: Okay, you guys were right. She didn't do it on purpose. But I'm still mad at her.

[She walks back over to Joey's bed and sits down.]

Joey: All right. All right, kiddo. I wanna know what's eating you.

Jesse: All right, pal. Come on, what's the matter? Tell us.

D.J.: I don't know. I'm so sick of sisters. Everything was just fine when it was just me. And then Stephanie came along, and everyone said she was soooo cute. Now everyone says Michelle is soooo cute. It's soooo disgusting.

Joey: Was it soooo disgusting when you did the play and everyone thought you were soooo cute?

D.J.: No, that was fine. Until one of the soooo-cute sisters ruined everything again.

[In the living room, Stephanie is talking on the phone.]

Stephanie: Hello, information? I need to talk to Mr. Boat. Mr. Oat Boat. I need to talk to Mr. Boat. I can't do his commercial. His cereal is tearing my family apart.

D.J.: Steph, I need to talk to you.

Stephanie: My sister's here. Can I put you on hold? Hello? Hello? How rude. [She hangs up and focuses her attention on D.J.] I'm sorry I stole your part.

D.J.: You didn't steal it on purpose. You didn't know what you were doing.

Stephanie: That's true. I never know what I'm doing.

Stephanie: Really? I'm your best friend?

D.J.: Yep.

Stephanie: That works out great, because you're mine. But do we really need Michelle?

D.J.: Yeah. You'll like her better when she's old enough to push around. Now, let's work on that script.

Stephanie: Okay.

D.J.: Okay.

Stephanie: Ladies first.

D.J.: [realizing that means her] Now, where it says here, 'Stephanie takes heaping spoonful', you don't need to say that, you just do it.

Stephanie: No!

D.J.: Yeah.

Stephanie: Wow, this acting is tough. I wonder if Yogi Bear had this kind of trouble.