Lost in Space

You're a real alien? And now that you know, I have to kill either you or Roger. Wait, no one has to die. I'll just go back to my home planet. Jeff, come here, honey. Aah! No! Hayley! Jeff! No! Are you up there, Jeff? Are you even still alive? Mr. Fischer? Where am I? Where? On the floor. I'm not supposed to be on this spaceship. I need to get back to my wife! God, talk much about yourself? I'm-I'm sorry. Yeah, well you should be. Anyway, hi, I'm Foster, head of the Emperor's Elite Guard. Come on, let's have a look-see around the ship. Welcome to Slave City. This is where we keep all of the prisoners we've abducted from across the galaxy. But you're gonna take me back to Earth, right? Yeah, this isn't that kind of slave ship, Jeff. Where you get to do things you want. Hey, don't look so glum. All the slaves serve a very important purpose on this ship. In the upper levels, where you'll work to serve our every desire. Hey, another human. Suck you clean for a dollar. So this ship is just one big shopping mall? Exactly. You see, every time Emperor Zing visits a new planet, he picks his favorite shop or restaurant then replicates it here. Want to guess what he considers to be Earth's greatest contribution? Because that's where you'll be working. Falafel? Close, shawarmas. How weird is that? He was like so close. Look, you got to make sure you leave enough room for cucumbers and tahini, okay? Are you listening to me? I'm sorry, it's just that Well, you're Sinbad. Yeah, I know, so what? Wow, so this is where you've been for the last 15 years. What? I just got here two months ago. Oh, sorry. He's on a spree, he's on a spree, he's on a spree, he's on a spree, he's on a spree, he's on a spree Oh, no, no, no, man, Emperor's on a shopping spree. Quick, quick, quick, look busy! Don't look him in the eye. Three shawarmas, Earthlings, and don't skimp on the tahini. This is my treat today, guys. Seriously, put your wallets away. You're gonna love this. Emperor, please, let me go home. I miss my wife. I love her so much. Love? Ha! There's no such thing as love. It's just a pathetic notion that you lesser life forms cling to so you don't feel so alone. That's not true. The love I have for Hayley is real! Do not challenge your emperor. Or put so much ice in the drinks. It already comes out cold. You're just ripping people off. Come on, gals. Oh, man, I'm never going home. Oh, man, you know, you probably feel like I did when I found out they weren't gonna do Houseguest 2. It's rough in the beginning, man. But you know what, it gets worse, yeah. And then you got to live in your car for a while. And that's a trip. And you got to get used to living outside, then you got homeless folks punching your face. You know, you know, I might not be the right guy to help you here, man. On the house. Thanks, lady. That ain't no lady, brother. Look, she's not even human. She's a shape-shifter. She's super horny. She's hornier than Kadeem Hardison. I'm talking when his glasses were flipped up. I get off a little later, if you want to get off with me. No thanks, I'm married. Did you say you were married?! Leave us alone, Phil. Okay, but would you say you're in love? Oh, yeah, big time. Go on, man, get out of here. What did I say about boundaries, Phil? But the kid says he's in love. He should exercise his right and take the test. I told you step off! My contact! Well, wait a minute, what test? Yo, don't worry about it, man. Just forget it. Sinbad Look, if you can prove that when the aliens abducted you, they separated you from your true love, well, then they have to take you back to Earth. That's great, 'cause I am in love. Well, a lot of us thought we were in love, too. And when you fail the emperor's test, they do this. Uh-huh. They make you smooth. And I'm not alone. We all lost. Some of us lost less than others. You guys just never saw it from the right angle. But the love Hayley and I have is real. I know it is. I'm going for it. I'm taking the test. Um, I ordered a beer. I think this is a cider? Jeff, I'm begging you, man. Please, man, don't go out there. Look, no one has ever passed the test of true love. The emperor has a fish tank filled with our junk. That thing is just swimming with junk. Listen, Sinbad, I love my wife. I'm gonna go prove it, and then I'm gonna go home. Jeff Fischer, you insist you have a right to be returned safely to Earth. On what grounds do you base this preposterous notion? Um, on the grounds that when you guys abducted me, you separated me from true love. Are you willing to take the test to prove it? I am. Well, okay then, let's wake up the Majestic! W- Wait, what? Well, how do you think this test works? I didn't know what to think, man! Well, Jeff, our test involves a creature called the Majestic, which delves into your memories of alleged love and displays them for all to see. And now to help us wake up the Majestic, The Summoner. You call that love? All we saw were examples of you being a selfish, inconsiderate jerk. You fail. No, no! I can love her better. I can. I can. Please, please, just let me go home. I'm sorry, Jeff, we can't do that. And you know the deal. If you can't prove the love, you lose your tools for love. See you tomorrow at 6:00 a. m. for your smoothening, Mr. Fischer. Oh, man, I'm so not a morning person. I thought I loved her. But those memories they all happened. I guess I deserve to be smoothed. Well, you still have one night before they, you know, make the front of your underwear roomier. And I've never been with a human before. Sorry, I'm not really in the mood. Oh, come on. Let's give your little friend a going away party. I can be anyone you want. This way it's not even cheating. Whoa, you look just like her. Oh, God, I miss you so much. I- I don't know. I- I'm sorry. Your wife is a million miles away and you still don't want to hit this? I mean, come on, I'm exactly like her. You look like her, but you're not her. I mean, I didn't learn to read for you, or stop eating my scabs for you, or start to pee sitting down so I wouldn't wake you up. You did all those things for her? Yeah. Yeah, I did. Where were those memories? The Majestic only showed the bad times. But why? Wait a minute, if I can just climb down to the Majestic, I can talk to him. It's my only chance to get some answers and maybe even get off this ship. Jeff, that's crazy. That creature could kill you. Hey, can you turn into a giant pickle with girly parts? You're drunk, Toby. I'm sad, you bitch. This is a bad idea, man. Who knows what that thing'll do to you? Well, I'm about to find out. Jeff, wait. I'm done waiting. But I didn't tie this off. The key is to roll when you land! I know what I'm talking about! I did my own stunts in Good Burger! I wasn't expecting visitors. You're the Majestic. The ship's sewage. Gross to you maybe, but full of nutrients that I simply cannot live without. My memories you only showed the bad ones. Do you hate me? You must hate me. Emperor Zing said he'd blow me into space if I showed the good ones. Oh, what you must think of me! It's okay. I know what the emperor can be like, and I forgive you. He wasn't such a bad guy, you know before. Before? Why, before the heartbreak. Emperor Zing was in love? Oh, yes. Thought he'd met "the one," but then he got dumped, and it devastated him so completely he vowed to never love again. But the pain still remained, so he started shopping. Compulsively. That's why this ship's a mall. That's exactly right, Jeff. And when buying stuff didn't cure what ailed him, he decided to wage a war against love. And that's why he won't let me show any good memories. Majestic, we've got to let everyone know. Once they realize the truth, it's sure to spark a rebellion. Oh, my God, we're really gonna do it. What a quick turn for me, but I love it. Great! Oh, hey, but first, do you have a bathroom? I got to go number two. Oh, sorry. Too crass? Oh, thank you. Those boxers were not clean. The shape-shifter! Hwah! Guards, find Jeff Fischer. I'm right here, dude. The emperor's been lying to you all! True love does exist. He's just been hiding it. Show them, Maj! He's getting away. Kill him! There's the escape pod. Oh, looks like we got some customers, Jeff. You boys come for some shawarma? Come on, get it. There is love in the world. And you should know. 'Cause you had it! You know, I was thinking this weekend we could go out with Derek and Tommy. What do you think? Honey? Hello? Roger? Oh, my God, okay, wow. Can we please be grown-ups about this? Because I can't. You got your heart broken. That's why you told us there's no such thing as love. You lied to us! Go on, man, get in. I'll hold them off. I'm not leaving you out here. There's too many of them, man. It's the only way. Sorry, that's just not my style. Aah, my ear! Ow! Go on, man, get out of here. You sure? Because I think I could be a big help. Just go! And be known as the guy who left his number one space bud? I don't think so. Please! I cannot afford to keep paying attention to you. But Got it. Hurry, Sinbad! Huh? No! Jeff, when you get to Earth, do me this one last solid. Anything, Sinbad. Clear my Internet browser history. I'm coming home, babe. I'm coming home. What is your destination? Take me to Earth so I can be with my beloved. There are over 47,000 known earths. Oh, no. Start with the first one, I guess.
 * A sight for sore eyes to the blind * * Would be awful majestic * It would be the most beautiful thing * * That they ever had seen * It would cause such surprise * It would make all * Of their minds electric * How could anyone tell them * That some things are not what they seem? * * In such disbelief * I thought I was asleep * When I met you * My heart liquefied * And I sighed, "Oh, this must be a dream" * * If I forget to set the alarm * And sleep on through the dawn * * Don't remind me * I'd rather be dreaming * Of someone than living alone * * If you're searching the lines for a point * * Well, you've probably missed it * * There was never anything there * * In the first place.
 * A sight for sore eyes Sorry, that's real popular here.