Hero or Hate Crime?

(whistling a tune)

What's going on with you, man?

Are you limping?

Uh, no, I've just been working out on this new exercise bike I got, and my glutes are, like, so sore.

Yeah.

Charlie: Know what it is?

(whistles) Oh.

Mac: Yeah, big-time, big-time.

Howdy.

Hi.

It's... it's very windy today, isn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, man, look at this.

Dog sh1t.

Did you just step in that on purpose?

Oh, no, I just... you know, I didn't really see it.

You pointed it out to me!

And then you stepped directly in it.

Since when do you read?

What? Nothing. No.

(laughs): Books are stupid.

I don't. I was just... (groans)

It wasn't... like, I didn't time it out.

I mean, why would I do that?

I have no idea.

Why are you still standing in it?

It was just an accident, man.

People step in dog sh1t accidentally all the time.

Is that a lottery scratcher?

Sometimes it's in, sometimes it's out.

Are those mirrors?

No.

You creep.

(grunting)

Look out, faggot!

Both: Holy sh1t.

God!

(coughing)

Are you okay?

(sighs)

Hey, Frank, what the hell was that?

What? I saved your life.

But you called me the "F" word.

So what? I'm a hero.

You used a slur, dude.

That's like a hate crime.

Dennis: Yeah, that's hateful speech, man.

Dee: You really can't...

Yeah, but he saved his life.

Yeah, but you can't say that word anymore.

So, which is it?

♪ ♪

Mac: You are entitled to nothing!

(indistinct arguing)

Listen, motion to present articles of confederation.

Motion denied.

Oh...

Shut up, bitch. You don't deserve anything.

Excuse me. Hey. Can I help you?

Okay, look, well, usually, we're a pretty reasonable crew.

Yeah, right? I mean...

Yeah.

...we have our differences, but we settle them in house.

Sure.

We have a good process.

There's filibusters, the whole thing.

No.

This one's a doozy.

Yeah, this one we can't do in-house.

We can't... we can't...

That's why I wanted to bring in a third party.

Someone to hear us out and deliver a final verdict.

That's you, guy.

Yeah, that's... you.

Charlie: That's you.

Because a great injustice has occurred, okay?

Frank committed a hate crime.

I saved your life.

But you used a slur!

It was a slur.

That's...

You'd be dead if I didn't!

Okay, okay, I think I'm getting it.

You want me to figure out whether or not a hate crime's been committed?

What?

No.

Frank: No, no, no, no.

Way off. Way off.

No, no, no, no, no.

Dee: Oh, no, but, no, it's not about that at all.

Yeah, it's about this.

A two-dollar scratcher lottery ticket.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Y-You've hired an arbitration attorney to figure out which of you is entitled to a two-dollar scratcher?

Now you're getting it.

Me.

He's getting it.

Now he gets it.

Dennis: The thing is, each one of us feels that we're entitled to that ticket, and we need you to tell us who it belongs to.

Yeah.

Why don't you scratch it and see if it's worthless, and then you wouldn't have to go through all of this?

Okay, so he's not getting it.

What?!

Is he serious?

Do you not want a job?

Hold on. Is it Phil? Is your name Phil?

Yeah, Phil, yeah.

It is Phil?

It's Phil.

This ticket represents hope, okay?

Potential... yeah?

Promise.

The very foundation upon which this group rests, eh?

Charlie: Yes.

Mac: And that hope belongs to me.

It belongs to me, you son of a bitch!

(overlapping arguing)

Please, stop.

Each of you will have an opportunity to plead your case.

The only rule I have is that you each treat each other with respect and common courtesy.

Do we all agree to those terms?

Well, we would like to thank you so much for taking our case so last-minute.

The other guy was not our style.

Well, I'm very happy to do so.

I do have a few questions.

Fire away.

Dee: Yup.

Dennis: Of course, yeah.

Now, the ticket in question, uh, who purchased it?

Me! Thank you.

Well...

That was me, and that's why this whole thing is so cut and dry.

Frank: It's...

Hold on. I purchased the ticket, and therefore the ticket belongs to me.

I actually bought the ticket a couple of weeks ago.

But I didn't realize it was gonna be so goddamn blustery that afternoon.

(wind whistling)

And as I was putting my book into my purse, the ticket flew out and landed on the ground.

So, you purchased the ticket two weeks ago.

I did.

And why hadn't you scratched the ticket yet?

Oh... well, that's because nobody ever wins those tickets, right?

But as long as you don't scratch it, then you're not a loser.

You know, in fact, you're a winner.

Potentially.

Dennis: God, Dee...

That is so sad!

It's so pathetic.

What are...

It is pathetic.

So sad.

What are you talking... You just said this exact same thing, like, ten minutes ago, talking about how the ticket represented hope and all that bullshit.

Somehow coming from you, it just came off so sad.

Well, hold on a second. Motion for sub-arbitration to determine whether or not that's sad.

Motion accepted. All in favor?

Others: Aye.

Motion passed. It's sad, Dee.

I'd also like to point out that while Dee's version is the truth, it's not the whole truth.

Why don't we talk about the contents of Dee's purse?

The scratcher ticket, the candy sour worms, the pack of cigarettes.

Now, what I want to know is... how can a woman who makes less than minimum wage afford such impulse buys?

So, you're smoking now, Dee?

Frank: Is this about your weight?

Because if it is, you're already too bony.

No, I don't think so.I mean, I think you're getting pretty tubby in the midsection area.

What?

Like a bird.

No, no, that's fine.

Her hands are becoming a major problem for me though.

I have Parkinson's disease.

What?

Well, at least I have a 46% chance of getting Parkinson's disease, according to a DNA test I took.

The medical journal was because I'm trying to learn as much as I can about this, you know?

And, you guys, according to that, smoking can reduce your risk of...

Oh, my God, who gives a sh1t?!

What?

Dee, this isn't about whether or not you have some horrific neurological disease or whether or not your hands are the right size.

They are, by the way, but your elbows are a mess.

They're too sharp.

I don't like it. They're stabbing me.

That's what it is.

You got it.

That's not the point, that's not the point.

The point is: how can you actually afford to smoke?

You see, Dee and I had a deal.

I give her money for coffee every morning on the way to work.

And she's instructed to give a very generous tip to the cashier, Cassie.

"This is from my boss, Dennis."

Now, this establishes both generosity and authority.

Possibly a little dominance.

It's all a very choreographed dance between two soon-to-be lovers.

Ah...

(Dennis chuckles)

Cassie's underage.

(both groan)

Dennis: No, no, no, what-what?

What are you talking about?

Cassie is not underage.

Cassie is 21 years old.

So, the champagne I was purchasing was to celebrate her legal drinking status.

And to honor her full maturity.

(cork pops)

You see, I was waiting for Cassie to mature.

You know, much like an IRA.

Y-You put the money in, then you wait.

And then you make a hefty withdrawal.

(both groaning)

Dennis: Okay, yeah, sure.

Before full maturity, yeah, ew.

Yeah, but weren't you just saying that you were doing deposits before maturity?

Uh, no, no, no, no. See, that's where you're wrong.

No, I was, uh, between the ages of 18 and 21, simply making investments.

But not for early deposits?

Well, deposits are part of the withdrawal.

Sometimes I can't make a deposit at all.

(both groaning)

Dennis: Ugh, come on, man.

Just...

Okay, just to be clear: a deposit's a load, right?

Yeah.

Well, yeah, yeah.

That's not what I'm talking about.

No, it's a totally different...

Are you sure?

Dennis: No, with my... no.

Look, not in this particular case, it's not a lo...

It's-it's...

Yeah, it's a load.

Yeah. I mean, yeah.

But that's not the point!

That's not the point! The point is: Dee has no rightful claim to that ticket, and I'll prove it.

You see, yesterday, after noticing the contents of her purse, I decided to follow her this morning.

Cassie never gets her tip, does she, Dee?

No. Because I refuse to tip for coffee.

I think it's dumb.

Dennis: Uh-huh.

So if you were buying circus peanuts and candy sour worms and cigarettes, I think we all know what that means about the ticket in question, don't we?

I don't. Do you know?

No.

Totally lost.

That means she bought it with my money!

So, technically, that ticket is mine!

Okay, okay, okay.

Now, let me sum up the facts thus far.

Miss Reynolds bought the ticket with Mr. Reynolds' money.

But Mr. MacDonald currently possesses it.

Correct. But I deserve it, and here's why.

There we were, right?

We were just walking down the street, minding our own business.

I'd just spotted the perfect pile of dog sh1t, and naturally I stepped in it.

What?

Frank: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, I'm a little confused.

Why would you voluntarily step into the dog feces?

Well, I didn't, really...

You just said you did.

Dee: You said naturally you did...

And we all watched you do it.

Charlie: All right, fine.

I voluntarily stepped in the dog sh1t so that I would smell of dog sh1t. Happy?

Less happy.

Why would it make me happy?

I was trying to cover up the smell of the skunk that I let spray me so that there would be no questions.

Well, now I have more questions.

Of course you do.

Like: why did you let a skunk spray you?

To cover the smell of cologne, man.

Dennis: Oh, man. You know what?

Go to the beginning. Go to the first smell!

The first smell that begat all the other smells!

The first smell was cigarettes!I 've been smoking with Dee!

All right? Fine, I said it.

Oh. Oh, okay. So, right.

So you thought we would care about the smell of cigarettes, but not the smell of skunk or dog sh1t.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Well, it doesn't matter anyway, all right, because I deserve the ticket.

Because if the sh1t shoe's a matcher, Charlie gets the scratcher!

Oh... sh1t.

What the sh1t?

Mac: Come on.

That shirt reeks!

Is that what that smell was?

Yeah.

I thought it was just him.

It does smell; it smells very bad.

But give me a cigarette; I'll cover it up.

But, look, if it smells like sh1t, you must acquit.

You know what? If everyone's gonna be smoking on my dime...

Look, nobody is debating whether or not the shoe print is yours.

We all know that it is, because everybody saw you kick me.

We're debating whether or not you actually saved my life.

Which you did not, because I was just about to do a sweet backflip to safety when you...

Oh, bullshit.

He's never once flipped!

Here we go.

I do flips all the time.

Charlie: You have never once flipped.

Mac: In the pool?

Which you would not have done had I not warned you, thereby saving your life!

That is my ticket.

Oh...

Ridiculous. "Backflip."

Frank: There I was, minding my own business, bird watching.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

It's really gorgeous and...

Are those mirrors?

No.

You creep.

He wasn't really bird watching, he was looking up women's skirts.

He peeps on women.

That's his move.

He's disgusting.

Frank: Like I said, bird watching.

Not you.

Now, the point is that I said, "Look out, faggot," which were the words that saved Mac's life.

Thereby, I am entitled to at least half that ticket.

Well, why did you use the slur instead of just yelling your friend's name?

Well, there was a lot going on.

I needed something that would cut through.

Well, as soon as I said the slur, everybody knew to look at Mac.

Frank: Look out, faggot!

Mac knew to look.

Dennis and Dee knew to look.

Charlie, who kicked him in the chest, knew to look.

Hell, even the little kid with the balloon knew where to look.

Okay, it may have been effective, but it was an offensive slur.

And a bigot should not be entitled to a hero's payout.

You're allowed to use any language you want to save somebody's life.

Really? Any language?

Frank: Yes.

You gonna let a man die over a word?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, come on. It's just a word.

"Just a word." Oh. Okay.

Well, Frank, tell me something: If you were going to save somebody else's life, you know, from a falling piano, and you needed a word to just... to just cut right through...

Frank: Mm-hmm.

...what word would you use to call out to the arbiter?

Uh...

I suppose...

Yeah, you know what? We're, uh, we're treading on some dangerous territory here, buddy.

Yeah.

"Nigger"?

Dennis: Oh! Whoa, whoa!

Charlie: What, what?

Charlie, you can't use that word.

I'm trying to guess the word that he was saying that he thought Frank was gonna say.

No, you don't say that ever.

I was not using the word.

Dee: Don't ever... that's not...

You can't use that word, buddy.

And yet, we've just sort of been casually throwing the F-word around willy-nilly for the past few days, and that hasn't been a problem?

Well, yeah, Mac, because the... there's a very dark history associated with... the N-word.

Yeah.

Did you know that a faggot is a burning bundle of sticks on top of which they used to burn homosexuals?

So, basically, when you call someone a "faggot," you are saying that they should be burned at the stake.

Is that right? That's, uh...

Yes.

That's pretty dark, yeah, that's dark.

That's pretty dark.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah.

Well, maybe there are a few words that we shouldn't be throwing around.

Yep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What about "c**t"?

Oh!

We can't lose that!

Yeah, it's a good word.

What?

That's tough. It's a great word.

And it's just not offensive.

Charlie: Especially, uh, directed towards a woman when you're trying to insult her.

(men laughing)

When you're trying to make a woman feel small.

That's extremely offensive!

Come on, you could yell "pen1s" at me, and I'd be fine with it. Well, all right, fine.

Well, then, we're gonna take away your favorite word.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What, "cocksucker"?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's wrong with that?

You can't say "cocksucker" if we can't say "c**t."

I find it offensive that the idea of sucking cocks is offensive.

Exactly. There's nothing offensive about sucking cock.

Half the population loves to suck cock.

The other half of the population, they love getting their cock sucked.

It's kind of a win-win.

We're getting off the point, okay?

In terms of the ticket, I'm calling bullshit on Frank, because, for some reason, he thinks that I'm gay, and that is why he called me the F-word, which makes him a bigot.

Oh, wait.

Uh, catch me up here.

Now, you're not gay?

Obviously not.

Faith: Okay. Interesting.

So, Mr. Reynolds, um, simply, was just trying to disrespect you.

He wasn't trying to make a comment about your sexual orientation?

No, well, see, here's where things get just a little bit tricky, because Frank thinks Mac is gay because...

Mac is gay.

Charlie: Yeah.

What?! What-what are you talking about?

Enough with this.

This is boring.

I mean, he's into the closet, he's out of the closet.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah.

We don't like you either way.

Oh, look, now, I care about my body.

So now they become, like, obsessed with me being gay.

Obsessed? We don't care! We're the ones who don't care.

Okay. All right, hold on.

Dee, let me just... let me put this to bed.

Okay, Mac, we're in support of it.

So, just come on out of the closet and be done with it.

You'll feel better.

You'll feel better.

Frank: Come on.

I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.

Mac, Mac...

(others sighing)

(sighs)

We found the bike.

Yeah, so?

The bike in the basement?

What about it?

Oh, Mac.

Mac, don't make me go get the bike.

Oh.

I've got nothing to hide.

Just, uh, go get the bike.

I'm-a go get the bike.

I would like to present into evidence, uh...

♪ ♪

Mac's bike.

What? It's an awesome workout bike.

What's the big deal?

(softly): Okay.

Mac, why don't you go ahead and operate the bike.

Mac: Yeah.

Sure.

No problem. Just-just like any other workout bike.

Well...

You pedal...

(all groaning)

Uh, there you go.

Dennis: Outrageous.

Yeah, there it is.

I mean, it's just the craziest...

All right, all right, all right.

Okay, I... (sighs)

I know what you're thinking, okay?

But it is not what it looks like.

Dee: Yeah, what it looks like is that you are f*cking yourself with a dildo bike.

I mean, you got the bike shorts with the slits in them, in the...

Oh, the-the ones in the back? That's for air flow.

This is grotesque.

Mac: No, you're not understanding.

I modded out a regular workout bike, to create the optimal workout.

And added a pen1s.

Yeah.

Oh... I see. (chuckles)

I see where you guys are getting off the rails.

That's not a pen1s.

All: Oh.

It's a fist.

(Faith gasps)

Uh...

I call it the Ass Pounder 4000.

And it works like this.

Uh, no...

Imagine you're riding up a steep hill, and you've already been working super hard, and you're sweating and you're tired.

What do you do when you're tired? You want to rest.

You go to sit down, it pushes you right back up in your workout.

The Ass Pounder 4000 will never let you rest.

Yeah, see?

Dennis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got it.

Mac: That's the way it works.

We got it.

Now, I even have an amazing tagline.

"The Ass Pounder: Never stop pumping."

(exhales)

Well, um... think we've seen enough.

I've certainly learned something.

This... this has nothing to do with being gay.

This is just the work of a man who's an extreme sexual deviant.

Gay or not.

Can I have one of those?

Mac: Yeah, whatever, Yeah, whatever, dude.

Oh, whatever.

You know, you guys are just jealous because I've got a million-dollar idea and I've got the ticket.

You don't have the ticket yet, bitch!

I bought the ticket.

What are you talking about?! Are you crazy?!

(overlapping arguing)

Quiet! Quiet!

Quiet!

Now, I've heard from everybody involved, and I will make my decision.

But let me make one thing clear.

In order for this to be entirely just, I will make my decision based on fairness and compromise.

You understand?

Okay, I think I'm all caught up.

All right, so what's the verdict?

Yeah, what do you got?

I think it's actually pretty straightforward.

Mr. MacDonald is in possession of the ticket, so he has ownership.

However, he would not be in possession if his life were not saved by Mr. Reynolds, who set off the chain of events saving him.

So I see it as a 50/50 split.

(groaning) - Are you kidding me?

I'm a hero!

Oh! You bitch!

50/50 split?

...out of the way!

Dennis: Nothing for the man who paid for the ticket?

I bought it!

And this bigot here is gonna get a hero's payout?

He may be a bigot and he did use disgusting speech, but it's not technically hate speech since Mr. MacDonald does not claim to be gay.

Oh.

Oh, does that mean if I claim to be gay, I get all of it?

Well, um, y-yes.

You would be entitled to keep all of it.

I claim to be gay!

No!

No, no, no, no.

Now you're gay?

There's a history behind it.

I've been gay forever.

Everybody knows it. Even the balloon kid knew it.

Soon as he gets that ticket, he's going back in the closet.

Yeah. This isn't fair.

Mark my words.

If he's gonna do it, he's got to stay out, which he won't, I guarantee you.

Fine. Whatever. Yeah. I'm out!

Totally out. I'm gonna...

Hey, uh, excuse me, would you please do the honors on my ticket, please?

It's probably worthless.

Margie: Okay. Sure.

Let's, uh... let's see what we have here.

Okay.

Wow.

What?

What is it?

Well, you're a winner.

What? How much?

$10,000.

Charlie: What?!

(all exclaiming)

No! No!

Oh, my God!

Gay Mac rules!

Bullshit!

Gay-gay, rich Mac!

All right, if you will just sign this, releasing the ticket and agreeing to my ruling.

Don't mind if I do.

(Charlie groans)

I wonder what I'm gonna do with all this money.

Maybe start an LLC.

Ass Pounder 4000?

(sighs)

It's all going right into the product.

Yeah, yeah, sign the paper so you can go back in the closet.

Dee: Yeah.

Frank: Go ahead.

You go back in. Go ahead.

Huh?

Well, you signed the thing. You got your money.

Just go back in the closet. Just get it over with.

Charlie: We know you're gonna do it, so you might as well just do it.

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. Maybe I'll... maybe I'll stay out.

Really?

Yeah.

It doesn't matter.

You can just go back in. You signed the paper.

Y-Yeah. I mean, you got your money.

No, I think I'm out now. (chuckles)

Yeah. I'm... I'm gay.

Actually feels pretty good.

See ya, guys.

(exhales)

(bike squeaking)

Wow.

Finally.

Eh, good for him, right?

Yeah, good for him. I'm...

Absolutely.

Guess I'm happy for him.

Yeah, it's a relief, honestly.

All right, if, uh, you'll just take care of this, then, uh, we'll be all done.

What's this?

That would be a bill.

Ooh.

Oh, money stuff.

Uh...

That goes to Frank.

I know it's steep, but you did go through three arbiters, and you've been here 17 hours.

Yeah. I'm exhausted.

Yikes, yikes.

What's-what's it add up to there, Frank?

$9,986.

Yikes.

Holy cow, you guys aren't cheap.

(chuckles): You guys aren't cheap.

The arbitration was Mac's idea.

Let's let him pay for it.

That's a great idea.

That's fair. In fairness' sake.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's got the money for it.

He's got the money now. Yeah.

But maybe let's make him pay it tomorrow, you know?

L-Let's let him have this.

Yeah. Yeah.

Poor guy did just come out over a $14 scratcher.

That's all that's left?

(chuckles): Yeah.

Oh, no.

That sucks.

(laughter)

Charlie: Oh, no.

Tell you what, man, I am happy for him, but I do still hate him.

Oh, yeah.

It's not a gay or straight thing, is it?

No, no, no, no, no.

It's a Mac thing.

(trio chanting backwards)