The Line Substitution Solution


 * Stuart: (crossly) Sheldon, you are the most inconsiderate person I have ever met in my entire life. Where do you get off sending ME to shop with YOUR girlfriend?
 * Sheldon: (nervous) I don't understand. You were happy to do this when I hired you. Wh-why are you upset with me now?
 * Stuart: (calm) Oh, I'm not upset with you. But Amy is pretty bent out of shape, so she hired me to let you have it.
 * Sheldon: Well, I suppose turnabout is fair play
 * Stuart: (furious for Amy) YOU'RE DARN RIGHT IT'S FAIR PLAY, YOU SELFISH JERK!


 * Stuart: (holding a bouquet of flowers) Sheldon says he's sorry.
 * Amy: (crossly) Bernadette, I'll give you $5 to slam the door.
 * Stuart: (as the door closes) I would've done it for $3.


 * Beverly: I’m not surprised Leonard chose to avoid picking me up. He’s battled intimacy issues his whole life. Does he have difficulty maintaining erections?
 * Penny: (to herself) Wow. Didn’t even make it out of the parking lot. (to Beverly) Uh, you know what, enough about Leonard. Let’s talk about you. What would you like to do while you’re here?
 * Beverly: Dear, I’m a psychiatrist. You don’t have to avoid having intimate conversations with me.
 * Penny: Well, I’d actually like for us to be close, but maybe we start with our favorite books and work our way up to my husband’s sex organs.
 * Beverly: Very well. What’s the last book you read?
 * Penny: Uh, does Pottery Barn Spring count?
 * Beverly: Penny, it’s only natural to want your mother-in-law to like you, and I acknowledge I can be an intimidating person. So what can I do to make this process easier for you?
 * Penny: Uh, for starters, maybe you could not psychoanalyze everything I say?
 * Beverly: And how does it make you feel when I psychoanalyze everything you say?
 * Penny: Uncomfortable.
 * Beverly: That was a joke, dear.
 * Penny Oh, sorry. [Laughs.] Didn’t know you made those. Hey, listen, what if we have a little mother-in-law daughter-in-law dinner tonight?
 * Beverly: So just the two of us?
 * Penny: Or I invite a few girlfriends, ‘cause hearing you say “the two of us” just sent a chill down my spine.


 * Amy: You know, just when I think we’re making progress in our relationship, we revert to old patterns where thoughts and feelings get unexpressed. I mean, if he didn’t want to go shopping with me, why didn’t he just say so?
 * Beverly: Maybe he couldn’t get a word in edgewise.
 * Amy: I’m sorry, I’ve been going on and on.
 * Beverly: Oh, it’s all right, dear. Sheldon has a brilliant complicated mind. It’s understandable that being in a relationship with him could be trying.
 * Amy: I called him “babe” once. He asked me to get a drug test.
 * Beverly: Well, I admire your resolve. You’re an extraordinary woman.
 * Amy: Thank you.


 * Bernadette: Let’s get back to Penny. Hey, weren’t you telling me something great about your company car?
 * Penny: Um… it has seat warmers.


 * Penny: (Now really angry) Okay, you know what? This is ridiculous. (Now speaks to Beverly angrily) I’ve been trying to make a connection with you all day, and clearly I’m getting nowhere.
 * Beverly: Well, are you seeking a connection or just some form of validation?
 * Penny: What I was seeking was some sort of friendship. But at this point, I’ll take you not insulting me to my face.
 * Beverly: My intention was never to insult you.
 * Penny: You’ve been doing it all day! Do you even know what an insult is?!
 * Beverly: Well, it’s not a clinical term. But one example would be your marrying my son, and not inviting me or even telling me the wedding is taking place.
 * Penny: Okay that’s a good example.

(Later)
 * Penny:To be honest, I’m surprised you cared about the wedding at all.
 * Beverly: I’m still human, Penny. Not getting invited to my own son’s wedding is difficult to ignore.
 * Amy: I know how you feel. She didn’t invite any of us.
 * Penny: It was a spur of the moment!
 * Bernadette: But we did get to see a live stream of it on the Internet.
 * Beverly: I could have watched it on the Internet?
 * Penny: (To Bernadette, sarcastically) Thank you. (To Beverly) So if we would have asked you to come to Vegas to see us get married you would’ve come?
 * Beverly: No, I would’ve said you’re making a huge mistake. But an invitation would’ve been nice.
 * Penny: You really think we made a mistake?
 * Beverly: At the time I did, but I-I’ve never seen Leonard so happy, so…perhaps I was wrong.
 * Penny: Wow. Okay. Well, um, how about this? Maybe while, you’re still in town, Leonard and I could have another small ceremony. You know, if you’re interested.
 * Beverly: I would find that perfectly acceptable.
 * Penny: {gasps} She would find it perfectly acceptable! You guys saw it! We bonded!


 * Sheldon: Well, what a sad state of affairs! That you’ve all been so ground down by life, you don’t even notice when someone disrespects you. I can’t believe we’re gonna get beat up, and it’s not because of your chair. You know, right now, at the back of this line, there’s a movie fan like you who’s not going to get in, because this person simply doesn’t care. Yeah, well, sixty-one years ago, there was another person at the back of the line and her name was Rosa Parks.
 * Leonard: (To Raj) Okay, you may have to pretend you’re black to get us out of here.
 * Sheldon: Now. Let’s follow in that brave woman’s footsteps, and stand up for ourselves! And-and I realize she stood up by remaining seated, but now is not that time to enjoy the irony of that.