The Crazy Bitch Gazette

Swordfish looks good. You eat a lot of fish. Aren't you worried about mercury? Michelle, on the list of things I expect to kill me mercury poisoning ranks well below liver failure struck by lightning and heart attack during sex. Guess which I'm rooting for. Is that Charles? Speaking of things I expect to kill me. What a lovely surprise. This is my mother Evelyn. Mom, Michelle. It's a pleasure. You have a wonderful son. Yes, I do. But Charlie and Alan must never learn of him. Before she kills, she likes to torture. So how did you two meet? Charlie asked me to look at his butt. Oh, smooth, Charlie. She's a dermatologist, Mom. Oh, a doctor? You have access to Charlie's medical records and still went out with him. Nice to see you. I don't wanna keep you from whatever schmuck you're here to meet. Sorry I'm late, Mom. How about that? The poorest schmuck I know. Michelle, this is my brother Alan. Alan, Michelle. - Hi. - Nice to meet you. Would you like to join us? - Sure. Heh. - How sweet. - Waiter? - I thought you liked me. Well, this is very pleasant. The last time I met Charlie's girlfriend I was picking glitter off my skin for a week. Oh, right, the, uh, 22-year-old pole dancer? Oh! Don't get the wrong idea. I mean, not every woman Charlie dates is a stripper. I can't imagine you stripping, for example. I mean, I can imagine it. So, what's the occasion for you two? No occasion. Can't a son invite his mom to lunch? - He needs money. - No, no. If you're looking to give I'm not gonna turn it down. You're a dermatologist. How do I get rid of a 170-pound skin tag? Excuse me, 164. Really? That's the part you object to? You like to be called a - One-eighty. - See? Yeah, well, better a lush than a leech. At least a leech doesn't miss his mother's birthday in a blackout. But when the lush wakes up he can buy her a nice gift with his own money. He can, but he doesn't. - You wouldn't appreciate it. - Let's not start with appreciation. Did I ever get a thank you for bearing you and raising you all by myself? Thank you, Mommy. Give it a rest. I'll write you a check. Thank you, Mommy. Do you have children, Michelle? - I have a daughter. - Isn't that nice. She ripped your heart out yet? - Not quite. - Well, give her time. Children are God's little way of punishing us for having sex. So, Michelle, you've met my mom and my brother. You breaking up with me now, or prefer to wait till after lunch? I'll wait. I already ordered the soufflé and I understand it's very good here. Oh, she's attractive, successful and funny. So tell me, dear, why are you settling? Um, wait, wait, wait. - Can I ask you a question? - Sure. Have there been a lot of women in this bed? Uh Actually in the bed? Fewer than you'd think. - Charlie. - Listen I'm not gonna lie about who I am or where I've been. Don't ask unless you really wanna know. It doesn't matter. - The past is the past. - Agreed. - Let's work on the present. - Oh, goodie, I love presents. Uncle Charlie? Busy, Jake. Oh, is Chelsea back? - No, Jake. - Mia? No. - The married stripper? - Uh, what's her name? Betsy? - What do you need, Jake? - Can I borrow your car? No, you can't borrow my hundred thousand dollar Mercedes. Okay. - Sorry about that. - It's not another hooker, is it? Excuse me. - Here's the keys. Go away. - Thank you. My nephew. Everyone's convinced he's a freaking moron but I'm starting to think he's an evil genius. - Hey, did you hear that noise last night? - What noise? Around 2 or 3:00 in the morning, I thought I heard a man crying. Oh, that's nothing. That's just Alan. - It's nothing? - Yeah. He gets up in the middle of the night to pee then he can't get back to sleep, so he masturbates. Then he starts crying. Oh, my God, that's awful. It's like the ocean. I don't even hear it anymore. Hey, sorry I'm late. I stopped off and did the shopping for the week. This is my housekeeper Berta. Berta, Michelle. - Hi. - Nice to meet you. - Planning a party? - Every afternoon at 2. She's kidding. Right, Berta? Huh? Yeah. Sure, why not? Can I go and make your bed or are you just catching your breath and rinsing off? It's fine. We're gonna walk on the beach. Ha-ha-ha. Good one. Why is that funny? Last time this one was on the beach is because he fell off the deck. It wasn't his fault. He was drunk. I'll go make your bed. She seems nice. You think? She scares the crap out of me. - Well, why don't you get rid of her? - Oh, no, no, no. No, I could never fire her, I love her to death. Interesting. So you love her and yet she scares you? Little window into old Charlie, huh? More like a garage door. Well, you've met my family you know all about my past, my fondness for things I'm fond of. - Uh-huh. - So why are you still here? Come on, Charlie, I'm a realist. Nobody our age comes without baggage. Well, yeah, but some people might think that my baggage is extra icky. - Extra icky? - That's actually a quote from a former girlfriend. Well, I think that a mature relationship has got to be based on honesty about our flaws. - You know my flaws. - Openness about our past. You know my past. And a willingness to forgive. I forgive you. I really like you. I really like you too. Hi, Charlie. There might be one more thing you should know. Rose, this is not a good time. I just want to talk. Sorry, Michelle, this will only take a minute. - Do I know you? - Nope. Seriously, Rose, not now. How do you kno? How does she know my name? - Long story. - Well, not really. Once you have a plate number the rest is cake. Could you give us a minute? No, she's not going anywhere. Charlie, who is this woman? - Just a friend. - Oh, I'm more than a friend. We dated. - Just once, eight years ago. - You haven't seen her in eight years? - Well, no, no, no. Not exactly. - We stay in touch. - You stalk me. - Oh, please. Does a stalker babysit his nephew? Does a stalker sleep with his brother? Does a stalker's dad sleep with his mother who you met at lunch the other day? Have you been following me? Not you. Okay, I'm a little freaked out here. I'm gonna go home. What? Why? Nice officially meeting you. Oh, come on, don't go. I'll get rid of her. No, no, no. No. Clearly you have lots to talk about. But what about all that stuff you said? Baggage, willingness to forgive? - Obviously I was wrong. - Michelle. No. Look, I could deal with your mother, brother, nephew, housekeeper - Yeah, I know - No, no, no. I'm not done. Your drinking, your gambling, womanizing but I am not putting up with your stalker. Really? That's where you draw the line? Seems a little arbitrary. Goodbye, Charlie. I like her. She's feisty. That's it, Rose. This is the last straw. Really? That's where you draw the line? I really care about this woman. - I'm glad for you. - No, you're not. You never are. You do everything to come between me and any woman I'm serious about. - Is that what you think I'm doing? - Of course that's what I think. You just did it. You've been doing it for eight years and I'm sick of it. Now get out. Okay, but you should know that I didn't come over to ruin your date. - Really. Why did you come over? - To tell you that I'm getting married. I'm not marrying you, Rose. Not you, silly. Manfred. Manfred? He's wonderful. I can't wait for you to meet. Uh-huh. Have you met him yet? You don't believe me? Of course I don't believe you. All you've ever done is manipulate and deceive me. Fair point. But I am getting married. I wanted to let you know before you heard it somewhere. Where else would I hear it? Society page of The Crazy Bitch Gazette? Clearly it was a mistake coming over. No idea the news would hit you this hard. Yeah, I'm bowled over. I'm devastated, I can't imagine life without you. Goodbye. Last chance to kiss the bride. What? I'm not sure how to get home from this side of the house. Hey, Michelle, it's me again. Sorry for all the messages. Don't worry, I'm not stalking you. Ha, ha. Anyway, again I am really sorry for all the craziness last night but like you pointed out, everybody's got baggage. Unfortunately, one piece of mine needs to be sedated and institutionalized. Okay. Call me. Kisses. Kisses? If I was any fruitier, I could open a Jamba Juice. Check it out. Rose's engagement announcement is in the paper. "Manfred Quinn"? Says he's an important figure in the fashion industry. No, I still don't buy it. - What do you mean? It's in the paper. - Oh, grow up. Do you have any idea how many times I printed my obituary? Why would you do that? Lots of reasons. Gambling debts angry husbands, sometimes just to get a little me time. Real or fake, I'm a little miffed I wasn't invited. How do you get invited to a fake wedding, Alan? With a fake invitation. Obviously. How come Rose only shows up when I'm in a good relationship? Where was she when I was dating the manic depressive Satanist. Or that chick with all the knives? Don't forget the pre-op life guard. Post-op. She was post-op. Really? I could've sworn I saw a bulge in that bikini bottom. The point is, it's like Rose has some kind of sixth sense where she knows I'm about to be happy. Not a sixth sense. She follows you and watches your every move. All we know, the house is bugged and she's listening now. Hi, Rose. Yeah, well, if she is she overplayed her hand this time. I'm not falling for this wedding crap. But just in case, shouldn't we get her a gift? - What? - They're having a sale at Williams-Sonoma. Wanna go halvsies on a pepper mill? - I'm not going halvsies. - Okay. Okay. How about a ceramic cow-shaped creamer handmade by the Pennsylvania Dutch? - No gifts. - Why not? Because there's no wedding. There's no wedding. You do what you want, Charlie. But I, Alan Harper, am gonna get Rose something really nice. Ooh, a set of faux walnut napkin rings, only 9. 95. Add to cart. Heh. - Surprise. - Not really. You called like 11 times. - These are for you. - Thank you. It doesn't change anything. Oh, come on, Michelle. I can't help it if some one-night stand from years ago is still obsessed with me. It's not about her, Charlie. It's about you. Okay, I can't help it if I'm so wonderful that she's still obsessed with me. - That's not what I meant. - Yeah, I didn't think so. The fact you have a relationship with her after all this time tells me you have feelings for her. Okay, okay. Maybe we have developed some sort of friendship but that doesn't change that on a very primal level the woman scares the hell out of me. - Listen to yourself. What you said about your housekeeper. You love her, but you're scared of her. Having met your mother, I'm betting you're scared of her. Well, yeah, but I don't love her. Charlie. What are you trying to say? I'm in love with Rose? You tell me. Bye, Charlie. Okay, I do love Berta. I suppose I kind of love my mother. Oh, crap. So today's the big day, huh? - What big day? - Rose's wedding. Oh, please, there's no wedding. - You sure about that? - Yeah, I'm sure. - But what if you're wrong? - What do you mean? I mean, would it make a difference to you knowing that cute little face will never pop up over that railing again? That the one woman who's always loved you and been there for you is forever out of reach? - Come on. - Where are we going? To the church. I'm gonna prove she's not getting married. Okay. Aren't we a little under-dressed? There's no wedding. Last chance to go halvsies on the napkin rings. There's no wedding. Only cost you 50 bucks. You see? No wedding. You got x-ray vision? Come on, I'll show you. Just a heads up if there's no wedding, you're getting napkin rings for Christmas. Go ahead, Alan, look. Tell me if you see a wedding. - I see a wedding. - What? The two persons present now come to be joined. Rose and Manfred, we are here to remember My God. She's really doing it. Rose is getting married. It's not too late to stop it. Don't be ridiculous. It's way too late. Okay, $25 to split the gift, and I'm losing money. This man and this woman should not be joined in holy matrimony let him speak now or forever hold his peace. And we're clear. Yep, that ought to do it. Thanks, Freddy. My pleasure. I guess. Unbelievable. Rose is actually married. Mrs. Manfred Quinn. I see it now. I love her. I've always loved her. I'm sorry. It's true what they say, Alan. You don't know what you've got till it's gone. You've still got me. You're not who they had in mind when they said it. I'll always love you, Rose. Mrs. Manny Quinn.