Three Kings

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and s*x on TV. ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Hi, it's me, Peter, your TV cartoon pal.

You know, Lois has been bitching lately that I watch too much TV and don't read enough books, so I went to the library and picked up three books by the greatest author of the last thousand years, Stephen King.

And tonight I'd like to share them with you.

We begin with a little tale called Stand by Me, about four young boys who went looking for a dead body and instead found themselves and also a dead body.

The year was 1955, and the voice in my head was that of Richard Dreyfuss.

I never had friends like the ones I had when I was 12.

There was me, Petey Lachance.

Anyone else fed up with this over-saturation of media?

Three channels and still nothing on.

Then there was Joey Duchamp. The voice in his head was Roy Scheider.

How are you, Richard? Fine, Roy.

How are you? Good, good.

We should grab a drink sometime and catch up.

Maybe reminisce about Jaws. Great.

You should give me a call sometime. My number is 555...

Wait, wait. What? 555?

Yeah.

You know what, Richard?

If you don't want to have drinks, just say so.

You don't have to be a dick about it.

Oh, please! Make the voices stop!

And then there was Quag Chambers. He was the leader of our gang.

He had s*x when he was five and committed his first rape when he was 10, rape, of course, being legal in the '50s.

Beat those cards, fellas. Giggity Giggity '50s Giggity.

Hey, you guys.

Finally, there was Cleve Brown, my pudgy black friend.

I can still see him now, all pudgy and black.

Cleve, please. We're busy looking at Playboy.

Look at the way these women starve themselves.

This one can't be more than 180 pounds.

This is way better than Playboy.

Do you guys want to see a dead body?

Cleve, it's 1955.

Please re-enter the clubhouse in a more stereotypically animated fashion.

Lord almighty! I done seen me a dead body down by the lake.

Sho' 'nough, I thought I'd go deef and dumb when I saw me that dead body.

Cleve, calm down. You're not making any sense.

Every day it's a-getting closer...

Anything was possible as we set out that day, except contracting AIDS because AIDS had not yet been invented by the government in an effort to eradicate the homosexual community.

Have gun, will travel reads the card of a man A knight without armor in a savage land

Okay, I got another one.

Show me that smile again Show me that smile Don't waste another minute on your crying We decided to cut through Old Man Pressman's junkyard, even though legend had it that any kid caught scaling the fence ran the risk of being attacked by the old man's dog, who would charge to the cry of '"Chopper, sic balls. '"

I got a bad feeling about this.

Hey! What are you kids doing?

Oh, no! It's him!

That's right. I'm Old Man Pressman. I own the junkyard.

I'm cranky 'cause all my stuff is junk.

Why can't I have nice things?

Chopper, sic them. Sic them, boy!

Now, he said, '"Sic them, boy. '"

But what I heard was, '"Chopper, talk to disfigured World War II veterans '"who aren't as bitter as they should be. '"

Glad I could do my part.

I think you may have done too much.

Hey, how about this brand new thing called rock and roll?

Even though it was just invented, we already remember it fondly.

Here's Little Richard with Piano Riff Woo.

Woo!

Woo!

Woo!

Woo!

Woo!

Woo!

Woo!

f*ck that.

Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus?

No... black guy.

Guys? Anyone know when the next train is scheduled?

Don't worry. If a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion.

Train!

My legs!

Another train!

What an odd, clustered train schedule!

Hey, sorry you got paralyzed, Joey.

That's all right.

Thanks for going all the way back to the junkyard to get me this wheelchair.

Boy, was Old Man Pressman angry.

We talked into the night, the kind of talk that seemed important until you discover girls.

This House Un-American Activities Committee is a travesty.

And if we go into French lndochina, it'll take us 30 years to get out.

Levittown-type housing communities will replace individualism with fear and conformity.

What do you think of that new kid at school, Marty McFly?

Seems like he just showed up out of nowhere.

Well, there it is.

None of us could breathe.

The twisted and mangled body we had come to see was far more disgusting than any of us could ever have imagined.

He's nasty.

Out of my way, you little pip-squeaks. I'm taking credit for finding this body.

It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang, Beast Man, Mer-Man and, for some reason, Norm from Cheers.

Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up?

Now, get lost. We'll take it from here.

Kiss my grits, you cheap dime-store hood.

This ain't over, Lachance.

I mean, you have a gun right now.

But tomorrow I'll get a gun and come to your house and kill you.

Oh. Yeah, I guess you could do that, huh?

I mean, we live in the same town.

And I can't just be on my guard for the rest of my life.

Boy, that is a major hole in this story. Okay, take the body.

We never forgot that wonderful summer.

And eventually we all went our separate ways.

Joey learned to live without the use of his legs and even went on to create a wheelchair-type rugby game called Don't Feel Sorry For Us Ball.

Cleve grew up and went on to marry Rebecca Romijn.

Actually, I'm not even joking about that.

The fat kid from Stand by Me is now married to Rebecca Romijn.

Can you believe that?

I swear to God. Look it up on the lnternet.

Doesn't that piss you off?

Quag grew up to become a famous Hollywood actor.

Unfortunately, about a week ago, he took an overdose of designer drugs at The Viper Room.

He died on the curb outside, and now we're left with a harelipped reminder of what might have been.

Hi. Welcome back from commercials.

Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trouper, and you passed our test, and you can be our friend.

And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last.

Here's Misery.

Marcia, I've done it.

I've finished the book, and Snuggly Jeff is dead.

And the readers are just gonna love it.

Paul, I still wish I could talk you out of this.

Snuggly Jeffis the most successful children's book series ever.

Yeah, but I want to get into writing more serious stuff.

You know, something where the reader doesn't have a load in his pants while he's looking at it.

Well, we'll talk about it when you get back.

This just in.

The Weather Service has reported a big snowstorm on its way.

Oh, my God! Stephen King!

Hey, this would make a neat story.

Done.

I'm your number-one fan.

I'm your number-one fan. I'm your number-one fan.

Who... Who are you?

I'm Stewie Wilkes. I saved your life.

You were in a terrible car accident, and you broke both your legs.

I taste lipstick.

Am I wearing lipstick?

Not anymore.

You know, I am a huge Snuggly Jeff fan. I've read all the books.

Great. Hey, can you hand me my cell phone?

I gotta call my agent. She's probably worried sick about me.

It was destroyed in the accident.

Well, can I use yours?

No reception up here.

Regular phone?

Lines are down.

Pay phone?

Road's closed.

E-mail?

Dial-up.

Fax?

Paper jam.

Morse code?

Obsolete.

Brain-damaged bicycle courier?

I'm not quite so sure I can find my way.

Yeah, you're gonna be here a while.

Paul, quick question, and feel free to say no, but I couldn't help but notice the new Snuggly Jeff manuscript in your bag.

And I was wondering if I could read it, then kill you if I hate it?

Well, I guess that'd be okay.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Can I read it while I touch your ear and suck my thumb?

I guess.

Goody, goody!

Mmm. Mmm.

Stewie?

I just finished the book, you dirty birdie.

How could you? He can't be dead.

Snuggly Jeff cannot be dead!

Look, Stewie. I've gone as far as I can with Snuggly Jeff, and I want to write something more serious.

Well, you are gonna write Snuggly Jeff back to life, Mr. Man.

Look, Stewie, first of all, you're insane, and second of all, I have to be inspired before I write.

Well, how about a little TV?

We now return to Magnum, b. m.

Magnum, I found a fingerprint smudge at the crime scene.

Do you have poo on your hands?

A little.

No, no, no. This won't do, Paul.

You can't just have Snuggly Jeff magically brought back to life by a child's wish.

It's insulting to the reader.

What do you mean?

Well, it's just bad storytelling.

Let's see. How can I explain this to you?

Did you ever see the movie Contact?

Yeah.

So, like, they spent a trillion dollars building this mile-high space machine, and Jake Busey blows it up.

So now they're all like, "Oh, no! We can't use the space machine. "

But then this other guy's like, "Hey, it just so happens "I built another identical trillion-dollar space machine at my own expense on the other side of the world. "

And we're supposed to believe no one noticed that?

Well, I stood up in the theater, and I said, "No!

"You can't go into space because the machine already got blown up by Jake-cockadoody-Busey. "

Start over!

Fine.

But you're gonna have to go into town and get me some more paper. I'm all out.

I don't know, Paul. Let me see if I can get the Big Wheel started.

I don't know, Paul. It's not starting.

I'm afraid I'm gonna flood it.

Okay, I got it now. I'll see you in a bit.

He's too big for that car.

Mr. Sheldon?

Oh, my God! I'm saved!

Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back.

My legs!

Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair.

No, you're not.

Well, that's it, Stewie. The book is done.

Can I go now?

Oh, no, Paul. I'm not stupid.

If I let you go, you'll just run straight to the police and tell them I kidnapped you and held you hostage and fondled you while you were asleep.

No, I... Wait. What?

You'll tell them that while you were sleeping I did things to you that you don't remember.

You fondled me while I was asleep?

Yeah.

I don't think I like that.

Well, it's done.

Everybody still awake? All right, big finish.

Now, you remember that Stephen King story when the guy went up to the empty hotel?

And there were those creepy twins?

And the guy was running around with that ax?

And the kid talked to his finger?

Can't you see Stewie doing that?

Well, here's The Shawshank Redemption.

The first time I laid eyes on Andy Dufresne, I didn't think much of him.

He was a fat drink of water, the kind of drink of water that you know your friend got from the bathroom and not from the kitchen.

Five packs of cigarettes says the fat one breaks first tonight.

You're on. I'll take the Don Martin-looking one.

Welcome to Shawshank Prison. I'll be your warden.

And even though I'm the only character in this movie who's not a criminal, I will be the bad guy.

Tomorrow's lunch is American chop suey, so you came here on a good day. Good lunch.

Look at those smiles.

All right, lights out, ladies.

It's funny because we are not ladies, we are men.

Shut up.

A month went by before Andy said two words to somebody.

As it turned out, that somebody was me.

v*g1n* boob.

Later, Andy came back with more than two words.

I understand you're a man who knows how to get things.

I've been known to procure various and sundry items.

I don't understand what you just said. I need stuff. Can you get it?

What do you need?

I need a rock hammer.

What's it for?

I carve Star Wars figurines out of stone, but it's also for not tunneling my way out of here.

Wow. Can you carve me a set of women's private parts out of stone?

Sure. Or you could just have s*x with Helen Hunt.

We've only had one conversation, but I can tell we're gonna be lifelong friends.

And since you're black and I'm white, that makes it more special for the audience.

Inspection.

You Andy Dufresne?

A little bit. You?

I'm just jiggling your balls. What can I do for you?

I understand you make Star Wars figurines.

Oh, Grievous. Wicked!

Well, anyway, I'm a pretty corrupt guy, so I figured I could sell your figurines and pocket the cash.

What do you say?

I don't know.

Come on. I'll even cripple that guy who rapes you in the shower.

But I like that guy.

Too late.

My legs!

Two things never happened again after that.

Bogs never walked again, and Andy's farts never made a sound again.

Thanks to the Star Wars figurines Andy carved, he landed a cushy job cleaning the warden's office.

Okay, you clean up the warden's office while I go pop out a pinecone.

Hey, you know what'd be funny?

You should take one of those records and play it over the PA system.

No, you shouldn't do that, but it'd be funny.

Okay, I'll be back in three and a half minutes, the average length of a song on any long-playing album.

A few times I've been around that track So it's not just gonna happen like that 'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl I ain't no hollaback girl To this day, I have no idea what that woman was singing about.

Like, literally no idea.

I don't know what a hollaback girl is, but I have to imagine it's a foul, disease-ridden thing that wears too much makeup to cover up the fact that it's a 47-year-old fish dog.

Andy, I think you know why I've called you in here today.

A prison is an environment which requires the highest level of discipline.

And that little stunt you pulled today...

That little stunt you pulled today made a lot of people look very foolish.

Look, Warden, we got it rough in here.

I just thought we could use a little music.

Music is expressly forbidden inside prison walls.

My God! How can you be so obtuse?

What did you call me?

Obtuse. You're being obtuse.

Two months in the hole.

Or am I being obtuse?

No, now you're being acute.

That time in the hole changed old Andy.

I'm getting out of here tonight, Red.

I'm gonna take the poop pipe to the crap swamp.

Wow. Where are you headed once you get out?

Zihuatanejo.

Sounds fancy.

Well, actually, it's a filthy Mexican village.

Listen, Red, when you get out of here, I want you to do something for me.

Up in a hayfield in Buxton, Maine, under an old oak tree, there's a rock that has no earthly business being there.

It's black volcanic glass, has no business being there.

Under that rock is a box with something I want you to have.

Of course, now I think about it, I've been in here 25 years.

All these landmarks are based on possibly outdated observations.

That whole area could be a Walmart by now.

If it is, pick yourself up some nice cheap pants, and good life to you.

Inspection.

Dufresne? Dufresne?

Dufresne, you better get your ass out here before you make me cut this sentence...

Where is he? Where the hell is Dufresne?

I don't know, sir.

Hey, we have almost the same voice.

Excuse me, I'm the prison doctor. I'm here for Andy's check-up.

Andy Dufresne?

Yeah, Andy Dufresne.

We can't find him.

Well, that's no good.

All right, you two are gonna have to leave.

I want him found now. Not after breakfast, not after CSI, now.

God, I'm so angry I could just throw a rock at that poster of David Cassidy.

What the warden and his boys didn't realize was that Andy Dufresne had escaped from Shawshank Prison the night before.

So no one told you life was gonna be this way Andy crawled to freedom through 500 yards of foulness I can't even imagine.

Andy Dufresne, the man who crawled through a river of poop and came out clean on the other side.

Why he chose enchilada night, I will never know.

Do you believe in your best judgment that you have been rehabilitated?

Rehabilitated?

It's just a stupid made-up word so boys like you can sit behind a desk, wear a fancy suit, and feel important.

You're a jerk, and I had s*x with your mother last night.

And I swear to God, you let me out of here, first thing I'm gonna do is kill again.

When I got out of Shawshank, there was only one thing on my mind.

A promise I made to a friend that I had to keep.

Walk along the stone wall until you reach the tree, and that's where you'll find the rock.

'"Dear Red, if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to go a little further.

'"You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right? '"

sh1t!

What? Is that him? Is that... No, no. Beach dog.

Is that Red? Is it... No, no. Not him either.

Where the hell is that jack-off?

There's, like, 1,200 bucks in that box.

Oh, my God. If he ran off with that, oh, I am gonna be so pissed.

And what am I gonna do, go to the authorities?

I just broke out of prison. Now what?

I gotta spend the rest of my life here by myself?

Well, at least I won't have to be self-conscious about my farting.

Well, that's our show.

Thank you, Stephen King. We'll see you in court.

Now stay tuned for whatever Fox is limping to the barn with.

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