Rock-a-Bye Ed

''[Sarah is sitting in a chair listening to her brother play with a paddleball. Annoyed, she moves closer to the TV.]'' Ed: "Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth!" [The sound is a constant, drumming on the edges of her consciousness, driving into her mind, slowly becoming all she hears.] Sarah: "YAARAHOEHAAA!" [She grabs the toy.] "STOP IT!" Ed: "Sarah, no!" ''[Sarah is about to cut the string. Ed yanks his toy away.]'' Sarah: "Gimme it, Ed." [Ed shakes.] "What?" [angry] "You gimme that stupid thing or I'll–I'll–" [calm] "Fine. If that's the way you want it." [vengeful] "I'm telling Mom!" Ed: "Don't tell Mom, Sarah!" [He rushes to the kitchen, where he sees Sarah about to tell on him.] Sarah: "Mom? As much as I hate tattletaleing, I think you should know, Ed won't let me watch television." [She pouts exaggeratedly.] Ed: "Mom, Sarah's fibbing! Honest and for truly!" [His mother takes off her rubber gloves.] "I was in my happy place, lost in the void of my mind!" ''[Ed's mom turns around. She has Jonny's face.]'' Ed's Mom: "Edward, how many times have I told you to be nice to your baby sister?" [Sarah sticks her tongue out.] Ed: "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" ''[Ed runs away. He runs down the hall full tilt only to suddenly find that he is moving upward. He looks down and finds himself on a spoon.]'' Ed's Mom: "Don't you look at me like that!" Ed: "AAAAAAHHH!! Please, Mom, it wasn't me!" Ed's Mom: "I see we'll have to wipe that silly grin off your face, won't we?" Ed: "But Mom, Sarah!" ''[His mouth disappears. His mom appears in a judge's chair made of Planks.]'' Ed's Mom: "You are accused of shirking the responsibility of an older brother. What do you have to say for yourself, young man?" [Ed, mouthless, cannot form words.] "Has the jury reached a verdict?" ''[The jury is composed of twelve Sarahs. The verdict is obvious.]'' Sarahs: "Guilty." Ed's Mom: "Well, Edward, as your mother, I sentence you to be thrown into… the Kanker pit!" ''[She brings her spoon down on a rest, signaling that verdict has been passed and the trial is over. Ed's mouth reappears and he screams in horror. A pit opens beneath him, revealing sharklike Kankers waiting below.]'' Ed: "Bad for Ed, Mommy! Bad for Ed!" Ed's Mom: "This hurts me more than it does you, son." [The chains holding him back release and he falls.]

Ed: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" ''[Cold water splashes over him. Ed is in his own bed; apparently the whole judge-jury sequence was a nightmare.]'' Eddy: "I told you that would shut him up." Edd: "Ed? Are you alright? You must have had a horrible dream." Ed: "It was, Double D. I was in my happy place, and Sarah told my mom I did some–" Eddy: "That's real wacky, Ed. But hey! Here's an idea!" [he waits a beat] "We gotta go." Edd: "Eddy! Nightmares can have lasting aftereffects. Why, there have been studies that correlated assimilations between the dream itself and the real world, if you will." Eddy: "Aw, come on! Nazz invited us to her shindig! We never get invited to anything! I'm outta here." Ed: [after Eddy leaves] "So anyways, the Kankers started kissing me in a pit and–" Edd: "I didn't know we were invited." [He makes to leave.] "Coming, Ed?" Ed: "You betcha!" [He runs out and gets dressed.]

''[Jimmy turns on a tape and swirls some ribbons. He goes into a complicated gymnastics routine, competing well until the end, when he gets dizzy and falls over. Kevin, the judge, holds up a 1.]'' Kevin: "What a waste of a life." Jimmy: "Did I win, Sarah? Did I?" Nazz: [running by] "Better luck next time, Jimmy." [She does a series of jumps.] Kevin: "Go Nazz, go!" Nazz: "Your turn, Sarah." [The Eds arrive.] Eddy: "What kind of party is this? Sports?" Edd: "Gymnastics, Eddy. A series of exercises that develop and demonstrate strength, balance, and agility!" Eddy: "Somersaults, hoop-de-hoops, and tippy-toes. All girly stuff!" [Sarah runs into him.] Ed: "TIPPY-TOES!" [He happily runs into the park.] Edd: "That's the competitive spirit, Ed!" Ed: "I'm a gymbag!" [He runs past Nazz and Jimmy.] Nazz: "Hi, Ed. Glad you could make it." Jonny: [turning around] "Hiya, Ed!" ''[Ed, scared, skids to a stop. He looks up at Jonny, and memories of his nightmare echo in his head.]'' Ed's Mom: "I see we'll have to wipe that silly grin off your face, won't we." [Ed turns and runs away.] Ed: "WAAAA!! IT WASN'T MY FAULT!" [Edd is trying the ribbons.] Edd: "Exhilarating." Edd: "Ed?" [Ed hides in a tree.] "Ed, stop it! Are you all right? I'm beginning to worry about you, Ed." Eddy: "What's with him?" Ed: "Jonny's mad at me, guys!" [Edd and Eddy look over to Jonny.] Jonny: "Grass is Mother Nature's wall-to-wall broadloom, buddy." Edd: "Jonny's not mad at you, Ed. Please, come down." Ed: "Uh uh!" Eddy: "Get me a rock, I'll get him down." Nazz: "Listen up, everybody! It's time for the balance beam!" Jonny: "Isn't that what you want to be when you grow up, Plank?" ''[Jonny gives Plank a friendly elbow to the side. Plank falls over, right into the path of Jimmy.]'' Jimmy: "Me first! Me first!" [He slips on Plank, sending the wood flying.] Jonny: "I gotcha, buddy!" [Jonny miscalculates Plank's trajectory, and Plank rams into Jonny's head.] Kevin: [laughing] "Looks good on ya, Jughead!" [He gives Jonny a 10.] "10 outta 10!" Nazz: "Well, it's not really gymnastics, but it's original to say the least." [Nazz gives Plank a blue ribbon.] Eddy: "Hey! Nazz is giving out ribbons! Quit your blubbering, Ed! Get down here and win me a ribbon! I love ribbons!" Edd: "I am astounded by your callous, self-serving attitude to Ed's strange and distraught behavior! As a friend, you should be more–" [Ed's tree branch lands on Edd and Eddy.] Ed: "Ribbons!" [He goes to join the games.] Jimmy: [on the balance beam] "Look at me! I'm so graceful and petite!" Ed: "Pardon me, miss." [He moves Jimmy off the board.] "I got it!" [He fails to mount the board.] "I got it!" [He can't get on the beam.] "I got it!" [Another fall.] "I got it!" [Crunch.] "I got it!" Eddy: "HEY, JUDGE! Get ready to chalk down another winner." [Ed has managed to get on the beam.] Ed: "Cock-a-doodle-doo! Cock-a-doodle-do!" Jonny: [at the end of the beam] "You think he'll lay an egg, buddy?" [Ed remembers again.] Ed: "AAAH! I am a good brother! It was not my fault!" [He runs into Edd at the other end and falls at Jonny's feet.] Jonny: "Boy, Ed, you're freakin' me out." Ed: "AAAAAAHHHH!!!" ''[In his haste to escape, his body ties a knot around the beam. Nazz looks on, confused, and Kevin laughs. Edd is worried.]'' Eddy: "Ed's just warming up, some mumbo-jumbo stretching stuff. Athletes. Go figure." Jonny: [next to Ed] "Plank says, 'Coulda fooled me!' He just thought Ed was nuts!" Edd: [helping Eddy carry the beam away] "Please excuse Ed." [Kevin changes the 10 to a d0rk sign and holds it up.]

Edd: [setting Ed down outside the park] "Funny, but Ed's averse behavior seems to be associated with Jonny. Somewhat like a phobia." Eddy: "So? The kid weirds me out too. Look at him!" Edd: "There's no reason to fear Jonny, Ed. He's a good fellow who wouldn't harm a fly." Ed: "Oh, no way! He is mad at me! He wants to punish bad Ed!"

''[Eddy is holding something. Ed is eating, making loud noises of gulping and swallowing.]'' Eddy: "Are you done yet?" [Ed looks up from the jar of peanut butter Eddy is holding and shakes his head, spraying it everywhere.] Eddy: "Alright, alright! Animal." [Edd opens the window and climbs through.] Ed: "Yum yum yum yum yum!" [Edd comes up and whispers in Eddy's ear.] Eddy: "'Bout time." Edd: "Oh Ed. Wouldn't it be fun if we had some company?" Ed: "You bet! Do you think they will like peanut butter?" [He licks peanut butter from his finger.] Edd: "Oh I'm sure they would!" ''[The doorbell rings, and Edd and Eddy wait expectantly. Ed continues to gorge himself.]'' Edd: "Um, Ed. I believe there's someone at your door." Ed: "Company!" [He sits up, the jar wedged on his head.] "Oh goodie goodie!" [Unseeing, he runs into a wall.] "Hello?" [He hits the wall again.] "Hello?" Edd: [sighing] "Oh dear." Ed: "Hello?"

''[Edd goes up and opens the door. Jonny walks in.]'' Edd: "Ah! Thank you for coming!"

[Edd leads Jonny to the basement.] Edd: "Right this way please." Ed: [hitting the wall] "Hello?" Edd: "Have I missed anything?" Ed: "Hello? Hello?" [Eddy is ignoring Ed.] Eddy: "Nope." Ed: "Hello? Hello?" [Jonny takes a seat on a stool.] Eddy: "Can we get on with it?" Edd: [stopping Ed] "No please, not again! Let's have a seat, shall we? There's someone I'd like you to talk to." ''[Edd removes the jar from Ed's head. Ed stares straight at Jonny.]'' Jonny: "Hiya, Ed." Ed: [burrowing into the chair in terror] "RRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! It wasn't me! Sarah's lying!" Edd: "That's quite enough, Ed. The only way to conquer your fear of Jonny is to attack it head on. It's up to you two now to resolve this dilemma." Eddy: "Yeah, I wanna get on with my life." Jonny: "Me and Plank have no idea what the heck you guys are talking about!" Edd: "First stage is always denial, Jonny." Eddy: "Kiss and make up now." [They exit, shutting the door behind them.]

''[Ed and Jonny sit, waiting for who knows what. Jonny looks at Ed, puzzled. Ed, for his part, cringes away from Jonny. A clock on the wall ticks past the seconds. Minutes. Each tick signifies another lost moment, and though the clicking comes fast, each seems to last an eternity.]'' Plank: Jonny: "You have a mouth, why don't you ask him?" Plank: Jonny: "Plank says this hurts him more than it does you." ''[Ed's eyes widen and he leaps on Jonny. He squeezes Jonny tightly in a bear hug.]'' Ed: "I love you mom!" [Jonny opens his mouth and screams.]

Jonny: "OOOOOOAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAA!!!!" ''[Jonny sits up. He is in his bed. He peeks under his bed and sees nothing.]'' Jonny: "What a nightmare! That's it, no more free-range soybeans before bed. Nighty night, buddy."