To Cure a Thief

''[Setting: The palace's royal treasure room. A masked thief sneaks into the room. He sees a jeweled, golden gauntlet resting on a podium]''

Thief: At last!

(The thief grabs the gauntlet. A cage lowers over the podium and an alarm sounds; the thief runs. His foot gets caught in a trap door; he frees himself, but backs up into a trap and is almost beheaded. The thief, freed from the trap, checks his head— his turban is destroyed and he has a large bald spot. He's almost at the exit when a giant mace swings down at him. The thief escapes, but not without damage— the mace rips off his pants and reveals his smiley-faced boxers.)

(The palace guards run into the room from another direction)

Rasoul:  The thief got away clean! (Rasoul sees the fabric dangling from the mace and smiles) … Almost.

''[Setting: The treasure room, sometime later. The guards are putting the traps back into place; Sultan and Jasmine oversee]''

Jasmine: I can't believe someone broke into the royal treasure room, Father. Sultan: It is very strange, Jasmine. There's so much here to take yet it seems they were only interested in that jeweled gauntlet.

(Abu peeks out from behind the Sultan's leg and expresses interest in the gauntlet. Once Sultan and Jasmine turn around, Abu approaches it) Aladdin: Don't even think about it, Abu. Abu: Who, me? Iago: Yes, you, King Klepto. (Abu swats Iago away and continues to stare at the gauntlet)Abu: … shiny… (Abu grabs the gauntlet and runs)

(The alarm sounds and the cage lowers. The guards run around, panicked and confused. Aladdin crashes into the Sultan and both fall over. The traps engage— Hakim and Fazal are nearly stabbed by daggers, Rasoul loses his pants to the mace, and Iago is trapped and almost beheaded.)

(Iago frees himself and assesses the damage. He too has a large bald spot) Iago: My… my… (he screams and falls over)

(The Sultan sits up and adjusts his turban. He looks around at the defeated guards.) Sultan: Good Heavens! This is most peculiar. I don't understand what could have set it off. (Abu approaches, holding the gauntlet. Aladdin, surprised, takes it from him) Sultan: … Aladdin? Aladdin: Uh… I… uh… (he shrugs) accident. (Aladdin glares at Abu)

[Setting: Jasmine's bedroom.]

Aladdin: I am fed up, Abu! Iago: And I am raw under the toupee! Jasmine: Aladdin, maybe you're being a little rough on Abu…

Aladdin: Rough? Rough?! He embarrassed me! The Sultan thought I took it! (to Abu) I've had it with you and your stealing, when will you learn?! (Aladdin marches out of the room)

(Genie emerges from the lamp. He's inside a black and white projector screen and dressed like a scholar, ala a 1950's public service announcement)

Genie: Learning can be fun, with Professor Knowledge! (A desk appears before Abu) Genie: Put on your thinking fez! (a book appears) Today's secret word: steal. One: to take another's property dishonestly. Two: (Genie comes out of the projector and gets into Abu's face)DON'T DO IT. (Genie pulls out a gold coin and holds it before Abu)Genie: So, class, what have we learned? (Abu steals the coin) Genie: … kid knows the value of a buck.

(Genie reverts to normal. Aladdin enters the room, holding a leash) Aladdin: Abu, you leave me no choice.

(Abu sees the leash and gestures "no") Aladdin: If you won't control your stealing, this leash will. (Abu chatters angrily and swats the leash away. He walks away, angrily) Jasmine: I think you overdid it with the leash. Aladdin: He'll be back. (Abu throws his fez at Aladdin.)Genie: Oh, I don't know, Al. That's one mad monkey. (Abu marches out of the room)

Jasmine: Iago, maybe you should go keep an eye on him? Iago: Sure, like the bird has nothing better to do! (Iago bumps into Rajah, who licks his chops)

Iago: Nothing good on tonight. I think I'll go monkey watching. Oh look, there's one now! (Iago exits) Aladdin: And make sure he doesn't steal anything!

[Setting: The Marketplace]

 (Omar holds up a pastry) Omar:  Date pastries! Delicious date pastries! Succulent, mouth-watering— (Abu drops in) Abu: Oooh, yummy, yum! (Abu drops to the ground and rolls up his "sleeves.")

Omar:  — get them while they're hot! (Abu steals the pastries out of Omar's hands and runs off) Omar:  My pastries!

(Abu climbs to the top of a stand; Iago's waiting for him)

Iago: It's about time. I'm starvin'! (He takes a pastry from Abu and bites into it) I can't believe you stole this date pastry! I told you, I wanted blueberry. Well, free is free. You know, you've got a definite talent, Abu. Abu: Yeah! Iago: That's the problem with Al— he's always stifling your creativity! Any time you want to steal pastries, go right ahead. I'm behind you all the way.

(They hear a scream. The thief from earlier falls through the canopy.) Thief: You stole those pastries! Iago: I'm innocent! (Points to Abu) It's him! He's the klepto! Thief: And a brilliant one at that! Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Damoolah. Amin Damoolah. The way you snatched these pastries was poetry in motion! Iago: Taught him everything he knows!(Amin shoves Iago out of the way and gets close to Abu) Amin: We have much to discuss, you and I. Join me for dinner? Abu: Well… Amin: My treat. Iago: Free dinner?! We accept! Amin: Fabulous!(Amin falls through the hole in the canopy. There's a loud crash, then he surfaces with a dopey smile) Amin: I'm alright!

''[Setting: Jasmine's balcony, at night. Aladdin looks out over the city; he's holding Abu's fez.]''

 (Jasmine enters. She puts her hand on Aladdin's shoulder) Jasmine: Don't worry, Abu will come back. (Aladdin stands up, hiding Abu's fez behind his back) Aladdin: I'm not worried. I've forgotten all about him! (Jasmine opens Aladdin's hand to reveal Abu's fez)

Jasmine: Oh you have, have you? Aladdin: Sure! Uh, wh-why, do you think something's happened?

''[Setting: An alley. Amin, Abu, and Iago walk toward a skull-shaped, grungy doorway]''

Iago: Are you cracked? That's the Skull and Dagger, headquarters of the Thieves Guild. They'll eat us alive in there! (Abu mimes cutting his throat.) Iago: Yeah, cutthroats only. There's no way we're goin' in there! (Amin opens his wallet to reveal a membership card) Amin: I'm a member.

Iago: Lead on! (Amin enters) Iago: Member! This guy's a legitimate thief! (Abu and Iago enter) Iago: Just let me do all the talkin'.

(Inside, a large man, Hamar, is holding another man by the ankle, robbing him. Hamar throws his captive aside) Hamar: Pheasant sandwich! (A waiter brings Hamar the sandwich. Another thief tries to steal it; Hamar grabs him) Hamar: Ha! No one steals from Hamar. (He tosses the other thief aside, then takes a bite)

(Nearby, Amin, Iago, and Abu eat dinner)

Amin: Don't trust anyone in here… except me, of course. Iago: Kill the melodrama, Damoolah. Why do you need Abu? Plannin' a big pastry caper? Amin: (To Abu) Alright my hairy little comrade, listen. There exists a magical gauntlet, the Five Fingers of Discount. It is written that he who wears the five fingers shall gain ultimate thieving abilities. Abu: (Dismissive) Oh yeah, sure. Amin: With but a gesture, gold and jewels fly into the gauntlet's grasp! Iago: (to Abu) See now, this guy's smart, he's got vision! The problem with Al— Amin: It is about yeah big and is kept in the royal treasure room. Iago: The royal treasure room?! Whoa, whoa, whoa, we don't do the palace! They know me there! I'd lose my special status! No, worse— I'd lose my head! Amin: I was talking to the monkey! Iago: Look, Amin, boubby, you don't wanna go in there! They've got flying swords, a giant mace— (Amin and Iago both reveal their bald spots) Amin and Iago:  And a really, really big ax! (Iago gasps) Iago: You're the guy who blew the heist last night! (Iago is almost skewered by a dagger)

Hamar: Thieves only in the Skull and Dagger! (Amin grabs the dagger) Amin: I  am  a thif! (He swings the dagger symbolically, but accidentally cuts down the canopy above him; it falls on top of him.) Hamar: Did you say "thif"? (He lifts the canopy off of Amin) Hey, it's Butterfingers! Thieves:  Butterfingers! (They laugh) Iago: (to Abu) No wonder he needs your help— he's the resident Thieves' Guild geek! Amin: My name is not Butterfingers! And this is my new partner! (He grabs Abu and holds him forward) The greatest thief in all of Agrabah! Abu: Oh boy. Hamar: A minkay? (To the thieves) Butterfingers' new partner is a minkay! Thieves:  (Laughing) A minkay?! (Abu, offended, rolls up his "sleeves") Abu: Why I oughta…

 (Abu climbs up Hamar's body and steals the sandwich from him. Abu holds it aloft for all to see, then reveals that he also stole Hamar's belt. Hamar's pants fall down, revealing his scimitar-printed boxers)

Thieves:  (In awe) He stole from Hamar!

(Hamar picks Abu up and stares at him) Abu: Uh, hello… Hamar: He  is  the greatest thief in all of Agrabah! (The thieves cheer and celebrate with Abu) Iago: Well, uh, thanks for the lovely evening, Amin. I, uh, won't mention a thing about this to the Sultan.(Amin grabs Iago. He shoves him into a pot and closes the lid) Iago: Hey, I can't breathe in here! How about an air hole? (Amin cracks the pot with a dagger) Iago: (Scared) Thank you!

(Amin watches Abu and the thieves celebrate)

Amin: With Abu's talent, the Five Fingers of Discount will soon be mine! And I shall be the greatest thief in all of Agrabah!

''[Setting: Outside the palace, night. Amin and Abu are on a palace rooftop. Amin fires an arrow that's attached to a rope. It sticks into another palace tower, forming a bridge. Somehow, Amin managed to get himself tangled in the bow.]''

Amin: After you, my nimble cohort.

(Abu ties the end of the rope around a spire. He climbs onto the rope and crosses the bridge, then gestures for Amin to join him. Amin struts onto the rope and starts to cross confidently, but soon loses his balance and struggles to stay on the rope. His struggling causes the arrow to dislodge and Amin is smashed into the first tower. Abu grimaces)

Amin: I'm alright!

''[Setting: The Skull and Dagger. Hamar throws a thief into a wall. The impact knocks over the clay pot and it smashes onto the ground, freeing Iago.]''

Iago: That was annoying. Abu? Abu? (Iago flies around, searching) Yo, monkey! If that monkey's caught, I'll be implicated… dead meat.

(Nearby, Hamar's stomach growls) Hamar: Pheasant sandwich! Innkeeper:  One pheasant sandwich coming up!

(The Innkeeper grabs Iago and puts him on top of a piece of bread) Iago: Wait just a sec— (he's covered with mustard) —I'm a live bird here! Hello?!

 (The Innkeeper puts another piece of bread on top of Iago and passes the "sandwich" off to a waiter; it is stolen before it reaches Hamar. The thief opens his mouth to take a bite.) Iago: I am the Genie of the Sandwich! Release me and I'll grant you three lunches! (The thief, perplexed, lifts up the bread to investigate. Iago flies out) Iago: Jerk!

(Iago exits the Skull and Dagger)

Iago: If Al finds out I put Abu up to this he'll be mad. I better devise a clever alibi. (Iago crashes into a banister)

''[Setting: Jasmine's room. Aladdin sits on a pillow, sulking.]''

Jasmine: I think you should go after him if you're so worried, Aladdin. Aladdin: I am not worried. And can we please stop talking about Abu?

''[Setting: A palace corridor. Abu hears the echo of Aladdin speaking and walks toward his voice.]''

(Amin struggles to pull himself through the window) Amin: I could… use a hand… here…(he grabs onto a curtain for support) …little fuzzy friend. (The curtain rips and Amin falls)

[Setting: Jasmine's room]

Jasmine: It's not your fault, you know. Genie: She's right, Al. I mean, how were you supposed to know that one little leash would drive away your closest friend?

Aladdin: I didn't ask Abu to leave! (Abu is outside the doorway, watching) Aladdin: I'm glad he's gone! He can stay away forever! (Abu sighs and walks away, sulking) Aladdin: … who am I kidding? I miss that furry little guy.

''[Setting: The corridor. Amin finally climbs in the window. He sees Abu and runs after him]''

Amin: We're in! You and me, kid! We're a team! Abu: (sadly) …yeah.

''[Setting: Jasmine's room. Genie comforts Aladdin.]''

Genie: Oh, look, Iago's with him. What's the worst that could happen? (Iago flies in)

Iago: Abu's become the king of thieves! Genie: …that's pretty bad.

''[Setting: The royal treasure room. Amin opens the door and peeks inside. He smiles at the Abu, who still sulks. Amin pushes Abu forward]''

Amin: Teamwork, little friend. That's what we're about! (They approach the Five Fingers) Behold! It waits for us to take it. One second. (Amin runs back to the entrance of the room) Amin: OK, take it! (Abu reaches for the Five Fingers)

[Setting: Jasmine's room]

Iago: And, uh, that's what happened. Genie: Let me get this straight. You saved the orphans from the fire while you fought the thousand thieves? Iago: (with a nervous smile) Heh, that's right. Simultaneously. Aladdin: (Irritated) Where's Abu?

''[Setting: The royal treasure room. Abu grabs the Five Fingers, setting off the traps.]''

Amin: Come on, come to papa, come to papa! (Abu walks slowly, dragging the Five Fingers behind him. Amin panics, but Abu manages to narrowly miss all of the traps.)

''[Setting: the corridor. The gang approaches the treasure room, on Carpet]''

Iago: Told ya, king of thieves.

''[Setting: the royal treasure room. Abu hands the Five Fingers to Amin]''

Amin: Thank you! (He tries to put it on) I'll show them Butterfingers! Come on, come on… (he gets it on) what a feeling! (Abu whimpers) Amin: Gold! Gimme gimme! (Amin extends the Five Fingers toward a huge, golden elephant statue. The gauntlet acts as a magnet and draws in the statue) Gotta have it, gotta have it! (The statue crushes Amin. He frees himself with a dopey grin) Amin: I'm fine, really! (He moves the statue out of the way) Hmmm, something more compact.

(Amin walks around the room, drawing in items and passing the items to Abu, who collects them in a bag.) Amin: I need one of these and one of these and one of those! (A sword flies toward Amin, who screams. He uses the Five Fingers to block the attack) Amin: No, not one of those… (Amin throws the sword over his shoulder; it narrowly misses the entering gang.)

(Abu sees the gang and waves innocently) Aladdin: Abu! How could you?!

Amin: Excuse me, I'm trying to shop here! Jasmine: Who's that? Iago: Him? No idea.

(Amin uses the Five Fingers to draw in the giant mace.) Amin: Think fast!

(He throws the mace at the gang) Aladdin: Run! (Genie rolls off of Carpet, dressed as a catcher; the gang exits on Carpet. The mace takes off Genie's head and continues in pursuit of Carpet. Genie stumbles around the treasure room, confused.)

[Setting: A corridor]

Iago: Aladdin, it's gaining! (They near the end of the corridor) Aladdin: A window!

Iago: A very small window! Aladdin: Squeeze together, it's our only chance!

(Genie appears)

Genie: Sorry, lost my head. What's the update? Iago: Mace. Dead end. (Genie sees the mace; his eyes bulge. He grabs Carpet's tassels and folds him into a little ball. The gang clears the window. Genie appears before the mace, as a golfer.) Genie: Four! (He hits the mace with his golf club; it flies off in the opposite direction)

''[Setting: The royal treasure room. All the treasure has been stolen]''

Jasmine: They're gone! Aladdin: Abu's in this mess all because of me. (Genie appears, as an alien in a Star Trek uniform.) Genie: Do not blame yourself, Captain. Abu's actions are not within his normal behavior pattern.

Jasmine: Yes. Someone must have put him up to it. (Iago hums innocently. The others stare at him) Iago: Oh, sure, blame the parrot!

''[Setting: The Skull and Dagger. Abu stumbles in, carrying the oversized bag of treasure; he now wears a leash. Abu falls down the stairs and is pinned under the bag. Amin stands in the doorway]''

Hamar: … Butterfingers? Amin: I am not Butterfingers! (Amin attacks Hamar with the Five Fingers. Hamar is drawn into Amin and lands on top of him.) Amin: … I am the greatest thief in all of Agrabah. (Amin uses the gauntlet to throw Hamar across the room) Amin: So don't ever call me that name again, ok?

Aladdin: Hey, Butterfingers. (Aladdin's in the doorway)

Abu: Aladdin! Aladdin: I want my monkey. Iago: … that is, if it's not any trouble. Amin: No, no trouble at all.

(Amin uses the Five Fingers to remove all the treasure from the bag, freeing Abu. Abu runs to Aladdin) Aladdin: Abu! (they hug) Iago: Uh oh, that was too easy. Amin: How do you like these butterfingers?! (The treasure comes together to form a giant fist) Iago: Told ya it was too easy!

 (The fist attacks; Aladdin, Abu, and Iago run to avoid it. They're nearly smashed, when Genie appears and intercepts the fist) Genie: Hey, Al, need a hand? (The two fists "arm wrestle")

Aladdin: (to Abu) It's good to have you back. But no more stealing, right? (Hands Abu his fez) Abu: I promise! Aladdin: And I promise, no more leashes! (Aladdin removes the leash and they hug)

(Amin struggles to win the wrestling match with Genie. Genie tickles Amin; Amin loses control and the fist collapses. Coins rain from the sky; the other thieves hurry to collect them.)

 Genie: (flexing) Over the top, high-five! (high-fives himself) (Amin blasts Genie. He dribbles him like a basketball across the Skull and Dagger, then "shoots him" across the room) Aladdin: Duck! (Genie goes through the wall and lands in the alley. Aladdin climbs through the hole in the wall)

Aladdin: …Genie? Iago: Score one for Butterfingers! (the ground vibrates) Whoops.

(Amin, furious, has picked up a building and is holding it above his head) Amin: Don't call me Butterfingers! Iago: (begging) Sorry, oh great, powerful, master of thievery!

(Abu, angry, rolls up his "sleeves." He pauses and looks to Aladdin) Abu: May I? Aladdin: Just this once. Do it. (Abu runs to Amin and steals the Five Fingers. Amin realizes that the building is about to crush him) Amin: (begging) Nice monkey!

 (The building crashes down, narrowly missing Amin. Amin stands up, overjoyed) Amin: I'm alright! Hamar: Butterfingers…

(Hamar and the other thieves are nearby; Hamar is ready to attack. Amin laughs nervously)

Amin: Come on, fellas, I was only kidding… (Amin runs; the thieves pursue)

Genie: Way to go, monkey man! Aladdin: You saved our lives, Abu. Iago: You know, fleabag, you're lucky to be alive. I told you not to get mixed up with that guy, but would you listen to me? No! (Abu, angry, puts on the Five Fingers and approaches Iago) Iago: Abu, what're you doing with that? Put it down! OK, it was my fault. I got you into that mess. (Abu blasts him with the Five Fingers and sends him into the air) I'm sorry! There, I said it! Let me down! Abu!