Perchance to Sleepwalk

The woods
(Milo, Melissa, and Zack are walking.)

Milo: Wow! I love nature — when it's not on fire. The trees, the skies, chirping birds, the fresh smell of leaves, the cruel indifference of larger animals devouring smaller animals, (he walks behind a bush and is covered in creeping things; he removes them with a lint roller) the pine-cones, the flowers, and the annoying nibble of small woodland creatures that have no idea what personal space is. (some squirrels gnaw at Milo's legs; he kicks them off) Ah. Isn't this the perfect spot?

Zack: Yeah. And not too far from my folks if we need anything.

Melissa: You sure they don't want to join us?

Zack: They have a slightly different definition of "roughing it".

The Underwoods' lodge
(Mr. and Mrs. Underwood are receiving massages.)

Mrs. Underwood: I love camping.

A clearing
(Cut back to Milo, Melissa, and Zack. Milo and Zack are pitching a tent; Milo is driving stakes while Zack is setting up the rain-fly.)

Zack: Looking good, Milo. Hey, Melissa, you need any help setting up your tent?

(Cut to Melissa's tent, which is a large castle. Melissa is driving stakes.)

Melissa: Nah, I'm done. (casts mallet) But maybe later, you can help me dig a moat.

Zack: I've been camping with Milo before, but never this far from a major hospital.

Melissa: Come on, Zack. We've already been here five minutes, and nothing's gone wrong.

(A swarm of squirrels comes on and destroys Milo's and Zack's tent, leaving just as swiftly.)

Melissa: Okay, technically, a squirrel stampede isn't wrong. We are in the wild.

Milo: Yeah. The wolverines in my kitchen was wrong.

Melissa: Exactly.

(The tent collapses and, after a beat, catches fire.)

Milo: Oh, look at that. Campfire's ready!

Cavendish' and Dakota's residence
Dakota: I still can't believe Mr. Block thinks we fabricated the whole "pistachios taking over the future" thing. Who would make up something like that?

Cavendish: Someone who wants to get off pistachio duty?

Dakota: Yeah, okay, I see his point.

(With his pen, Cavendish pushes some buttons on their two-way television. Mr. Block appears.)

Mr. Block: Well, well, well! Look who it is! The future-savers! Oh, and look who just came into my office! Your two biggest fans! (pause) Bigfoot and the Loch Ness monster!

Cavendish: Yes, very clever, sir.

Mr. Block: Now listen up. It's come to our attention that a critical strain of wild pistachios is going to be destroyed by a rare flock of red-beaked crows. Tonight!

Dakota: (enthusiastic) Oh, great!

Mr. Block: Great?

(Cavendish elbows Dakota.)

Dakota: Um, oh, I mean, bad. Bad crows.

Mr. Block: You two imbeciles need to stop these birds and save the pistachios at all costs. I don't want to hear any more nonsense about sentient nut trees. Is that clear?

Dakota and Cavendish: Yes, sir.

Mr. Block: And don't forget your receipt!

(The two-way television prints out an image of Mr. Block sticking his tongue out, with a caption: "YOU STINK". Dakota takes it.)

Dakota: And after we saved him, and the entire future, this is the thanks we get.

Cavendish: Oh, it's not his fault. Once the pistachio plant was destroyed, everything must have returned to normal. The time-stream healed around him. He'll never know what we did.

Dakota: So what do we do now?

Cavendish: I don't know. If we succeed in saving pistachios, we could very well doom the world! Again! Which means we can't interfere with those birds as ordered. It would be better if we did absolutely nothing.

Dakota: Hey. Hey, I got an idea! Sounds like a ditch day to me. Yo, what do you say?

Cavendish: Well, I can't actually believe I'm saying this, but alright! Ditch day it is!

Out and about
(Cavendish and Dakota partake in various activities, shirking pistachio duty, while "Just Messing Around" plays.)

Singer: ♪ Don't look at me for an itinerary ♪

♪ I got no agenda, no plan ♪

♪ Let's just keep it all arbitrary ♪

♪ I'm putting it all in your hands ♪

(The singer is joined by backup singers.)

♪ Hey, we could do whatever you want ♪

♪ A park or a museum or a restaurant ♪

♪ You know, the one that has the spinach and the cheese croissant ♪

♪ We could just chill and be all nonchalant ♪

♪ Check my schedule, I've got nothing pressing ♪

♪ Nothing (?) on my to-do list that needs addressing ♪

♪ Seems the way that the day's progressing ♪

♪ We've got nothing to do but messing around ♪

♪ Messing around ♪

♪ Messing around ♪

♪ Just messing around ♪

♪ Just messing around ♪

A cafe
(As "Just Messing Around" ends, it is the evening. Cavendish and Dakota walk out of a cafe, Cavendish carrying a bowl of soup and Dakota carrying a tray with six Limburger cheese sandwiches. They sit at a table.)

Cavendish: Oh, must you eat that odiferous Limburger cheese sandwich with your mouth open?

(Cut to the flock of red-beaked crows. They detect the sandwiches and change course towards them.)

Dakota: How else am I gonna eat it? If my mouth is closed, it doesn't fit between my teeth. Think before you talk. (A crow perches on the table.) Hey, look at this big guy comin' to party with us. (pitches a nut to the crow) Here you go, buddy.

(Many more crows surround them. They approach them and call.)

Cavendish: Oh dear. This is just like that old horror movie.

Dakota: Neptune Needs Women?

Cavendish: Yes — No! Not Neptune Needs Women! What about this reminds you of Neptune Needs Women?

Dakota: Yeah, you know, they had that scene with the Limburger sandwich, and the Neptunian queen is all like, "Men!" It was hilarious. (Crows continue to crowd them) Just, the way she said it. Hehe, "Men!"

Cavendish: Hm. These red beaks. (Checks a device) Hm — oh! I thought so! Those are red-beaked crows! What if these were the birds that were going to destroy that pistachio field?

Dakota: (gets up) Uh-oh.

Cavendish: And we've led them off course!

Dakota: Uh-oh again.

Cavendish: That would mean that those pistachio plants are still alive! (He and Dakota run off) Come on, birdies, we've got some nice pistachios for you!

(The birds do nothing. Cavendish and Dakota come back.)

Cavendish: Why aren't they following us?

Dakota: Maybe they like Limburger more than pistachios. Here. Come on, birdies. (They go toward the pistachio trees, luring the birds with fragments of Limburger.) Follow the Limburger. Here we go. (Birds swarm them) No, no, wait, go back!

The children's campsite
(Transition to Milo, Zack, and Melissa around their campfire. Melissa is poking at it.)

Melissa: Hiking, climbing, fishing, —

Zack: Pulling Milo out of the lake, —

Melissa: It's been a full day.

(Milo rises and yawns.)

Milo: Yup! I'm gonna sleep like a log. (starts toward his "MAKE-SHIFT LEAN-TO 2.0") Or any other sleepy, wood-based object.

(Zack and Melissa go to their respective tents.)

Zack: Me too.

Milo: Goodnight, Melissa.

Melissa: Night, Milo. Night, Zack.

Zack: Night, Melissa.

Milo: Goodnight, Zack.

Zack: Goodnight, Milo.

Milo: Goodnight, Diogee. (Diogee emerges from a bush and barks.) Gotcha! I knew he followed us.

(Transition to later at night, when all are asleep.)

Milo: (sleep-talking) Yeah, maybe I will have cake.

(Zack is sleeping in a sleeping-bag. He starts suddenly to see Milo sitting up.)

Zack: Milo? What are you doing?

Milo: Maybe we should follow the hippopotamus.

Zack: Hippopotamus?

(Milo tears down the cover of their lean-to. He starts sleep-walking.)

Milo: No, I'm not a reindeer.

Zack: Milo? (starts hopping after Milo)

Melissa: (yawns) What's goin' on, Zack?

Zack: Milo is sleep — wait, you sleep in curlers?

Melissa: And you sleep dressed as a meal-worm?

Zack: Never mind that. Milo is sleep-walking.

Melissa: Nah, we'll just wake him up. (shouts) Hey Milo!

Zack: No! (gets out of his sleeping-bag) You're not supposed to wake a sleep-walker!

Melissa: (takes out her curlers) I heard that was an old wives' tale.

Zack: No, I read it somewhere.

Melissa: Where?

Zack: (unsure) Sleep Malady Digest?

("I'm Taking a Stroll" begins.)

Melissa: (dons Milo's backpack) Let's just get him back to the tent; we can talk about your fake sleep magazines later. (goes after Milo, Zack following)

The woods
Campers: ♪ I'm taking a stroll in the moonlight ♪

(Milo goes through an area full of spiders; Melissa and Zack follow him. They are covered in spiders and scream.)

♪ Take, take, taking a stroll ♪

(Milo goes from a cliff to a tree which conveys him safely down to the ground below. The tree strikes Melissa and Zack, catching them in its branches.)

♪ Just taking a stroll, feeling just right ♪

(Milo goes past the campers singing the song.)

♪ When I'm in the moonlight taking a stroll ♪

♪ It's not a crime to pass the time ♪

♪ With cadence and an occasional rhyme ♪

(Zack and Melissa are chasing Milo. Zack stops to dance to the music, but Melissa grabs him.)

♪ Put one foot in front of the other; I'm taking a stroll ♪

(Zack and Melissa go ahead of Milo and saw down a tree so he can pass over a chasm.)

♪ Under the stars, it's delightful ♪

(An eagle seizes Milo and carries him high.)

♪ I know it may sound cliché ♪

(Melissa and Zack try to pursue Milo, but they are accosted by falling trees and frogs.)

♪ You can really go far, and that's despite all the really gruesome obstacles in your way ♪

(Zack trips over a rock and falls face-first into mud.)

♪ So turn off your mind and let yourself unwind ♪

(Melissa gets a flashlight from Milo's backpack, which she uses to blind and disorient the eagle carrying Milo.)

♪ And follow me, 'cause you know that I'm ♪

♪ Just take, take, take, take, take, take, taking a stroll ♪

(Scat interlude. The bird crashes into a tower and deposits Milo on a nearby tree. The tower falls as Zack and Melissa run away from it. Meanwhile, Milo descends through the trees, dropping pine-cones on Melissa and Zack.)

(Milo sleep-walks onto a boar, which chases Zack and Melissa. Melissa throws things from Milo's backpack at it. A can of beans strikes it, and it stops, hurling Milo off it. He bounces on a bush and lands on the far side of it. Melissa and Zack continue after him.)

♪ I'm taking a stroll in the moonlight ♪

(On the other side of the bush is a steep slope. Milo slides down it on a giant leaf, Melissa and Zack after. Melissa and Zack scream. Zack plows through a bush and gets a snake in the lap. Panicked, he shoos it away.)

♪ Take, take, taking a stroll ♪

(Melissa plows through another bush and gets many snakes on her head. Panicked, she brushes them away.)

♪ Just taking a stroll, feeling just right ♪

♪ When I'm in the moonlight, taking a stroll ♪

(Melissa and Zack go flying over a natural ramp.)

♪ It's not a crime to pass the time ♪

(They land on a large piece of bark which slides after Milo.)

♪ With cadence and an occasional rhyme ♪

(Melissa reaches after Milo's leaf, but it barely escapes her.)

♪ Put one foot in front of the other; I'm taking a stroll ♪

(They go over a cliff; Melissa and Zack scream. Milo lands safely and is thrown off his leaf onto his feet. Zack and Melissa impact a tree. A piece of bark falls on them. They throw it away and continue after Milo.)

♪ Put one foot in front of the other; I'm taking a stroll ♪

(Milo is walking against a tree. Melissa and Zack lead him back to camp; "I'm Taking a Stroll" ends.)

Elsewhere in the woods
(Cavendish and Dakota are leading the birds to the pistachio plants.)

Dakota: See, the Neptunians don't have women on their planet, so they come to Earth to —

(They arrive.)

Cavendish: Voilà! The wild pistachios!

(They lead the crows into the midst of the plants.)

Cavendish: (brushing his hands) Well, that's the last of it. (looks over the birds, who are lying down) What's happening? I thought they loved pistachios!

Dakota: Well, they ate, like, four sandwiches. Maybe they're full.

Cavendish: (offering a pistachio to a crow, who refuses) Here you go. You want a pistachio? Yummy pistachio! Hm?

Dakota: That is one stuffed bird.

Cavendish: It's no use, Dakota. We're going to have to destroy every pistachio ourselves.

Dakota: You had me at "destroy".

(Cut to Dakota and Cavendish hacking maniacally at the pistachio plants with axes. The crows look on, unimpressed. Brick and Savannah time-travel in.)

Savannah: Well, that was a close one. If it had taken us one minute longer, Texas would have ceased to exist.

Brick: Wait! Stop the car. I smell failure.

(They get out of the time limo.)

Dakota: (sings as Cavendish chops at a pistachio plant) I can feel it fallin' — (Cavendish stops, then starts again) I can feel it fallin' —

Cavendish: (groans) Timber.

Dakota: (sings) And now we're —

(Brick clears his throat.)

Savannah: Cavendish and Dakota. What are you doing here?

Cavendish and Dakota: Uh, ehm, uh, eh.

Dakota: Limburger sandwich?

Cavendish: Quite tasty.

Brick: Are you destroying those pistachio trees?

Dakota: Well... we saved this one.

Cavendish: And not a moment too soon!

Dakota: Yeah!

Cavendish: (throws his axe down into a stump) These other trees? They were bad trees!

Dakota: Bad trees.

Cavendish: Very bad trees!

Dakota: Yeah. Every one was out to get this little tree.

Brick: (menacing Dakota, who steps back) Your mission is to save them!

(Dakota steps on the last tree. Noticing, he steps off.)

Cavendish: Well. See? If you weren't here, we would have saved it.

Dakota: Yeah, it's kinda your fault. But no hard feelings. (Savannah pulls out her inter-temporal communicator.) We'll let this one go. You know, cut you guys a break. (Cavendish' inter-temporal communicator rings.)

Cavendish: Hold on a moment! (pulls it out to answer it) Mr. Block?

Mr. Block: I just got a text from Savannah. You two are destroying pistachio plants?!

Cavendish and Dakota: Uh, ehm, uh, eh.

Dakota: Limburger sandwich?

Mr. Block: Due to your deliberate insubordination, I'm hereby removing the two of you from pistachio duty and putting you on something even worse! Cleaning outhouses in the Renaissance! Don't worry. I'll find some other schlubs to take over this assignment. (the transmission ends)

(Brick and Savannah fist-bump. Savannah's inter-temporal communicator rings. She answers.)

Mr. Block: Brick, Savannah, I've got a new assignment for you.

(Brick rages and kicks a rock. It hits a bear on the nose, who wakes up and growls at him.)

Brick: Ugh. This day can't get any worse. (notices the bear) Mm!

The children's campsite
(It is dawn. Melissa and Zack are dragging Milo back.)

Melissa: Ugh! We're almost at the camp.

Zack: Yeah. After tonight, I need to sleep for ever.

Melissa: (drops Milo, yawns) Good idea. (lies down) I'll go first.

Zack: (drops Milo, lies down) Wait for me.

(Brick and Savannah are pursued by the bear in the background. Milo stirs.)

Milo: Oh man! (opens eyes) Oh, was I sleep-walking? Glad you guys woke me before I got too far from the tent. (Melissa chucks Milo's backpack at him) Ow! What did I say?

(The end.)