FROST / Undercover Claus

(At night, a plane appears flying high above the ocean, headed for a destination unknown. Enter Andy's toys, which are a cowboy, a cowgirl, a toy dog with a spring, a Potato Head, and a space ranger, long donated to Bonnie, sit in the cargo room, in their Christmas vacation.)

Woody: I can't believe Bonnie is taking us with her on a Christmas vacation!

Mr. Potato Head: I hope Santa doesn't miss us.

(Buzz is looking out the window into the sky.)

Buzz: Oh, I doubt he'll miss us - (demoralized) 'cuz he's heading RIGHT FOR US!!!

(Enter Santa, riding on his sleigh and eating Crisps chips, when the airplane headlights shine on him, prompting Santa and the airplane pilots to pull evasive maneuvers)

Santa: AAAH!

Pilots: BWAAAAH!!!

All Toys: AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

(Eventually, the cargo door opens, sending the toys plummeting out the door and into what seemed to be their demise... next thing they know, one fade out later, everyone finds themselves crashlanded on the Island of Misfit Toys, with Buzz buried, showing only his deployed wings and burning. Woody gets up first.)

Woody: Everyone OK?

Buzz: (pops out of the snow) I'm on fire. You call that "OK"?

(Jessie throws a bucket of water at Buzz, dousing the fire.)

Buzz: Thanks, Jess. Where are we?

Woody: I don't know. Looks like some kind of mysterious island near the North Pole.

(ROOOOOOOOOAR!)

Woody: ...with a monster.

(Title card: FROST)

(While Jessie does push-ups and Mr. Potato Head picks up his face pieces, Woody and Buzz discuss their current situation.)

Buzz: Can you remember our coordinates before we-- (the trees rattle)

Woody: Wait. Did you hear that?

Mr. Potato Head: Hang on! (plugs his ear back on) OK, now I do.

(the tree rattles some more)

Jessie: It sounds like...

(And out of the woods charges in King Moonracer with a roar)

Woody, Jessie and Mr. Potato Head: A lion! (they dart out)

Buzz: A lion? How odd. I mean, in this climate, you'd expect maybe a polar bear or something. (King Moonracer roars) Again, this just doesn't make any sense!

Woody: Will you move already?! (pushes Buzz out of the way)

(Woody takes out a small pistol, and fires six shots at the lion. King Moonracer pounces on the cowboy.)

King Moonracer: Welcome to the Island of Misfit Toys.

Woody: We're not "misfits"!

King Moonracer: Really? A cowboy who shoots six shots but misses every time? That ain't normal, sweetheart. (gets off of Woody) Besides, we could use the company.

Slinky: Who's this "we"?

King Moonracer: The other toys.

Jessie: There are... others?

(Title card again: FROST)

King Moonracer: These are the others: Charlie-in-a-Box, a Dolly for Sue, a Train With Square Wheels and LEGO Hank Azaria.

LEGO Hank: Sales weren't where they expected.

Slinky: Woody, look! (Pan to the toys standing to a gift-wrapped blast door) We've found some sort of a hatch - but we can't get into it!

Woody: Is it locked?

Slinky: No, but it's wrapped so beautifully, (the wraps sparkle) we don't wanna mess with it!

Charlie-in-a-Box: Allow me!

(Charlie-in-a-Box unwraps the door, and the door itself opens, leading to a bunker room with a countdown timer, currently at 12.24.11., connected to a Commodore 64 via USB (anachronistic much?). Enter the toys.)

Jessie: What is it?

King Moonracer: It's an old Commodore 64 with a countdown computer.

(Cue the musical number.)

It counts down to Christmas

Or the end of the Earth.

We're really not sure,

but we hope it's the first!

When Christmas Day arrives...

Or the Island and everything dies!

(Dies, dies, dies, dies, dies, dies, dies...)

We'll restart the Timer

The end of this year.

We've never seen Christmas...

We're so filled with fear!

But Santa stopping by...

Would be great if we didn't all fry!

(End musical number.)

Woody: So you've never experienced Christmas?

Charlie-in-a-Box: Nope! Why chance it? We just keep typing in a new date whenever it gets close to December 25th, see?

Woody: (cutting in) Uh, uh, hang on. Just trust me on this one.

(The moment of truth comes. After a short but tense pause, the Timer switches to 12.25.11. - Christmas Day. Cue "Joy to the World" - Christmastime has come, and Earth didn't end at all! The toys exit the bunker to be greeted by Santa Claus landing his sleigh.)

A Dolly for Sue: Look, it's Santa!

Santa Claus: Ho, ho, ho, ho! Hello, misfit toys! I've been looking for you for ages!

All Toys: Yay!

Woody: I told you it will all work out.

(But the joy is short-lived, as a snow beast roar is heard... and everyone screams when they see the Bumble - the Abominable Snowman.)

'''All: AAAAH! THE SNOW MONSTER!'''

(Cue Yukon Cornelius, popping out of the Bumble's legs.)

Yukon Cornelius: Don't be afraid of Bumbles! Bumbles are peaceful creatures, who--

(This Bumble, however, was looking for a quick snack, and he snap-grabs Santa and eats him alive in one go.)

Bumble: *Burp!*

(The toys can do nothing but look on in shock.)

A Dolly for Sue: Will we ever see Santa again?

(Back in the bunker, Yukon Cornelius types in "4:8:15:16:23:42" into the Timer.)

Woody: What's that?

Yukon Cornelius: How long it takes a Bumble to poop.

[End segment.]

(Christmas Eve. Bobby Jr. with his Mom and Pop in company, unwraps the big Christmas gift... revealing to be a Time Machine.)

Bobby Jr.: Oh, boy! A time machine!

(Bobby Jr. climbs aboard the time machine, closes the door, and... WHOOSH!)

Mother: Uh, don't you think we should have talked about this first?

Bobby Sr: Oh, what's the harm? I got one when I was his age.

Narrator: WARNING: TIME MACHINES ARE NOT TOYS.

Dad: Isn't decorating the tree a fun family activity?

Mom: My favorite part is that it takes about 7 hours to do it. Right, Kids?

Boy: Please let Christmas be over soon.

Tree Bazooka Man: DECORATING YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE BORING!

Girl: Santa?

BUST!

Tree Bazooka Man: WITH THE TREE BAZOOKA 9000!

Boy: He's not Santa!

Tree Bazooka Man: JUST WATCH!

BAM!

Dad: You missed.

Tree Bazooka Man: DID I?

Man: My tree looks awesome! Thank You!

Tree Bazooka Man: BUT CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT GIVING, IT'S ABOUT SHOOTIN' A BAZOOKA! JUST WATCH!

Grandma: Merry Christ-

BAM!

Boy and Girl: Grandma!

Tree Bazooka Man: DON'T DISTRACT ME WHEN I'M SHOOTING A BAZOOKA!

Dad: That thing's dangerous! Take it outside!

Tree Bazooka Man: NO PROBLEM! BECAUSE THE TREE BAZOOKA 9000 ALSO WORKS ON DECORATING HOUSES!

BAM!

Tree Bazooka Man: AND CARS!

BAM!

Tree Bazooka Man: THE TREE BAZOOKA 9000! BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE A BAZOOKA!

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Now that's a nicely decorated tree!

BAM!

Tree Bazooka Man: HA-HA! NOW THAT'S A NICELY DECORATED TREE!

Bobby Sr as a kid: Oh, boy! A time machine!

(The other time machine comes)

Bobby Jr: Oh, boy! It works!

Bobby Sr as a kid: Who are you?

Bobby Jr: I'm your son from the future! You gave me a time machine too.

Bobby Sr as a kid: Hey, I like yours better!

Bobby Jr: No, it's mine! (Kid Bobby Sr. kicks him down) Get your hands OFF!

(BANG! Bobby Jr. lands Kid Bobby Sr a Home Run KO hit in the noggin... then realizes what he's done.)

Bobby Jr: Oh, no! I've jeopardized my own existence!

(As a temporal way of saying "I warned you!", Bobby Jr. fades from existence, dropping the Titor Baseball Bat back into its packaging.)

Bobby Sr's Mother: Don't you think we should have talked about this first?

Bobby Sr's Father: Yeah. Probably.

Sheen: What the - who graffitied my car?!

Peanuts gang: MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHARLIE SHEEN! (humming Hark, The Herald Angels Sing)

Sheen: Get out of here, you lousy kids! (Peanuts gang flees) I told you one more time and I'm calling the cops!

Announcer: Tonight, the head of a major corporation goes undercover... at the North Pole!

Santa Claus: I'm Santa Claus, founder and CEO of Christmas.

("Kris Kringle, Founder / CEO, Christmas, LLC")

Santa Claus: Usually, I work over the elves, which isn't hard 'cause they're short! Ho ho ho ho ho! [Short pause] *Ahem* But this week I'll secretly work alongside them on... UNDERCOVER CLAUS!

(Title card: Undercover Claus)

(Santa Claus is shaving)

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! They'll never know it's me.

(Too bad Santa's elf disguise is a bit too suspicious, as Mrs. Claus walks by and is shocked by Santa's new... overweight elf look.)

Mrs. Claus: AAAHH! Intruder!

Santa Claus: Wait! I--

(Mrs. Claus bangs Santa on the head with her pot)

Mrs. Claus: I knew it was him.

(Shows "Mrs. Kringle, Homemaker")

Santa Claus (Googly Tinsel): Hello, I'm the new employee, Googly Tinsel.

Mitch Hopeluck: "Googly Tinsel"? What kinda name is that?

Googly Tinsel: Don't all elves have fun-sounding names?

Mitch Hopeluck: My name is Mitch. You tell me.

(Shows "Mitch Hopeluck, Santa's Workshop Foreman")

Mitch Hopeluck: Basically, my job is to make sure the toys are made with sparkles, love, and Christmas spirit-- HEY ERIC, I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER! CLEAN UP YOUR STATION!! I've been doin' this a long time.

(Shows "Job One: Toy Assembly Line")

Mitch Hopeluck: Here's your job, Googly, real simple.