Monster from the Id

(Scene opens up to Candace staring at Jeremy through the window)

Candace: Oooooh! Here he comes! Oh, Jeremy. How can you even make walking to a bus stop cute? Yeah, I'm a lucky, lucky gal. (a strange object falls from Jeremy's backpack) Oh, no! He dropped something! Jeremy! Jeremy! (runs outside) Jeremy, wait! You dropped-- (bus leaves) wait! (calls Jeremy on her cellphone) Jeremy, you dropped something outside my house, and it kind of looks, uh, artsy.

Jeremy: Sounds like the gift I made you.

Candace: Gift? Well you didn't have to make--

Jeremy: Well we're passing the antenna farm. I'm losing you.

Woman: My fillings are heating up.

Candace: Jeremy? Jeremy? (groans) Oh, what a beautiful tiara... neck, uh, broach... hmm... bracelet! (gasps) Oh, it's absolutely beautiful! (flings it into the sewer) Oops! No! No! No! No! (reaches for the object) Almost got it... (water rushes in and carries the object away)

Man 1: Whoohoo! The Danville clean water flush-off!

Man 2: A million gallons straight to the ocean!

Candace: Oh, you've got to be kidding me! Jeremy will be heartbroken when he finds out I lost my gift! Phineas and Ferb! (runs into the backyard) Hey. What are you guys doing?

Phineas: We built a mind machine to enter Baljeet's subconscious in order to cure his fear of contractions.

Baljeet: You are amputating two perfectly good words and stitching them together. They are the Frankenstein monsters of grammar.

Phineas: We've already cured Irving's fear of the color lavender.

Irving: It can't hurt me anymore.

Candace: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't care about any of that! I lost the gift Jeremy made for me, and you guys have to make an exact duplicate of it before he comes over!

Phineas: We'd love to. What'd it look like?

Candace: Well it kind of had this bolty screwy thing going on, and this wrapped wire like... Oh, I know what it looked like, but I don't know how to describe it!

Phineas: No problem. We can use the mind machine to enter your subconscious and retrieve your memory of what the gift looked like. You don't mind if we fix Candace's problem first, do you, Baljeet?

Baljeet: No, I don't (shudders) Chills! Chills! Hey where's (shudders) where is Perry?

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

Doofenshmirtz: Eating cereal looks like this! (Perry enters the building) Ah! Perry the Platypus! You're early, and I'm in my underwear. So embarrassing. And it's the pair of underwear you never want anyone to see you in too. You know the ones. They're faded and frayed, and the elastic is so worn out you have to hold them up while you're  walking around the house. And you have to roll up the waist band, making your pants look all lumpy. And, and yet when you take them off, you find yourself mysteriously putting them in the hamper rather than the garbage. Why- why do you do that? Hey, where are you going Perry the Platypus?! (traps Perry in a net) You know, when you showed up, despite appearances, I was trying to come up with a perfect evil plan to thwart today's Tri-State Area Summit and Weenie Roast, and you just gave me a great idea! What is a man most afraid of? It's being in public and suddenly realizing he's in his underwear! So, I shall construct an Underwear-inator! One blast at the summit, and everyone will be so paralyzed with fear and embarrassment, I can just waltz in and take over. Thank you, Perry the Platypus. Thank you very much!

(Cut to the backyard.) Phineas: Alright, Candace. You're all wired up. We're ready to go in.

Candace: Wait a minute. Why is that dweeb going into my subconscious?

Baljeet: Because this dweeb spent two weeks in psychology camp last summer.

(flashback to psychology camp)

All: How does that make you feel?

(end flashback)

Candace: Alright, but don't forget about doctor-patient confidentiality.

Phineas: Okay, Irving. We're in your hands now.

Irving: Close your eyes and count backwards from four.

All: Three...two...one...

(On the last word, scene switches to Candace's mind.)

Candace: Where are we?

Phineas: We're inside your subconscious.

Candace: Okay, everyone take off your shoes. I don't want you tracking mud in here, metaphorically speaking.

Irving: Mindmaster calling Deep Divers. How you guys doing?

Phineas: We're doing fine, Irving.

Irving: Remember, you have 45 minutes to retrieve the memory before the boyfriend arrives.

Phineas: Copy that, Mindmaster. We need to get to the Forest of Memory.

Candace: So where are we now?

Phineas: Offhand, I'd say the Jeremy Mountains.

("Do Nothing Day" can be heard in the background)

Baljeet: Hmm, significant.

(A rumbling and growling is heard)

Candace: Uh, what was that?

Phineas: Baljeet?

Baljeet: Shh! Do not move a muscle.

Candace: What is it?

Baljeet: It is your id.

Candace: My what?

Baljeet: Your id. The embodiment of your deepest, most primal urges.

Candace: So, fun, right?

Baljeet: Wrong. It is very primitive and aggressive. We do not want to meet it here. (shows gazelles that look like Phineas and Ferb running away from the id.) Obviously, you see Phineas and Ferb as some sort of prey.

(The Id roars)

Candace: Run!

Doofenshmirtz: Almost ready, Perry the Platypus, just a few more adjustments. I'm putting an extra ratty setting on the Underwear-inator. So embarrassing! (Perry takes a contact lenses out of his eye and holds it up to the light and tries to cut through the net)

Irving: Calling Phineas and Ferb. Come in, Phineas and Ferb. What's your 20?

Phineas: We copy you, Irving. We're just emerging from the Peaks and Valleys of Fickleness.

Baljeet I cannot believe there is a whole valley in there devoted to your love-hate relationship with ambivalence.

Candace: I have mixed feelings about it.

Phineas: Wow, the Falls of Anxiety.

Falls of Anxiety: Is my neck to long? Is it okay that I wear the same dress everyday? (The falls continues to voice Candace's anxieties)

Candace: What's that?

Baljeet: It is all of Candace's anxieties.

Phineas: There are so... many of them.

Ferb: She has a rich internal life.

Buford: Yeah, she's real messed up.

Candace: Buford?!

(In the real world)

Isabella: What's he doin'?

Irving: He just showed up and jacked in!

(In Candace's mind)

Candace: You can't come in here!

Buford: It's a free country.

Candace: No it's not! It's my head! And you're getting crumbs all over-- cru... all over... cru, cru, cru--

Buford: What's wrong with her?

Baljeet: The anxieties are getting to her!

Phineas: Hurry, everyone! Through the falls! The Palms of Sweatiness!

Baljeet: The Harpies of Hyperventilation!

Candace: Rubber ducks?

Baljeet: Do not ask me! It is your subconscious!

(They disappear through the falls)

Buford: Yeah, I'll catch yous later. I'm keeping my hoagie dry.

Isabella: Hey, Buford.

Buford: Hey, Isabella. You just get here?

Isabella: Yep.

Buford: Let me show you around. This place is a riot!

Doofenshmirtz: (sniffs) Do you smell something burning? What are you doing?! Give me that! Got it! What is this, a tiny magnifying glass? Oh, you think you're so fancy with your high-tech spy equipment. (He crushes contact lenses) What are you going to do now? Huh, Perry the Platypus? Huh? (laughs) (Perry takes out the other contact lenses)

(Song: "Deep Into Your Mind")

We're going deep into your mind

Never know what we will find

Repression, aggression, your embarrassing obsession

Would make Freud annoyed but don't be paranoid

We're going deep into your mind!

We're going deep into your mind!

Were you traumatized by squirrels?

Or a little girl with curls?

Do you fear the number seven?

Does a zebra call you Kevin?

We're going deep into your mind!

Your psyche will unwind

Was there a monster 'neath your bed?

A fear of moldy bread?

Or just a Giant Floating Baby Head?

Going deep into your mind.

Phineas: Here we are Candace, the Forest of Memory.

Candace: How will we find Jeremy's gift?

Phineas: Well, we shouldn't have to walk too far since it's a recent memory. What's the last thing you remember?

Candace: Hmm... the last thing I remember is saying, "How will we find Jeremy's gift?"

Phineas: Well we shouldn't have to walk too far since it's a recent memory. What's the last thing you remember?

Candace: Oh, I forgot it already.

Phineas: No problem. This should be deep enough. Everybody just feel around. Maybe we can stimulate Candace's memory.

(They begin to scratch at the trees in the Forest of Memory)

Candace: That makes my head all buzzy. Wait, wait a minute, wait! I'm remembering! Yes, yes, I see it! Over there, through the trees! That's it!

Jeremy: That's what?

Candace: Jeremy? Wait, are you real?

Jeremy: Yeah. I stopped by your house to give your present and Irving just told me to jack right in.

Candace: My present? How could you? I lost it. But I found the memory. It's right over there.

Jeremy: That? That's not your present. That's my drain unclogger. I don't know why I carry that around with me.

Candace: So I didn't lose your-- (id comes in and roars)

Baljeet: That is the id! Run!

(Buford is shown to be giving a tour of Candace's subconscious to Isabella, Holly, Ginger, Gretchen, and Katie)

Buford: And if you follow me now, you'll see Candace's recurring nightmares. Come on, people. Try and stay with the group. (they see everyone running from the id) Hey, where are they going? (he sees the id and screams)

Doofenshmirtz: (as Perry escapes from the trap) Ironic, I built my Underwear-inator while actually in my underwear. Ha! (Perry attacks him and the Underwear-inator fires up)

Id: (as children are running away from it) Clubby Momo!

Buford: You all signed the releases, right?

Id: Phineas and Ferb!

Doofenshmirtz: Ow! (Underwear-inator hits Perry) Ha! You look ridic-- (Underwear-inator hits Doofenshmirtz) Ah! Moth holes?!

Norm: Who wants lobster bisque? (Underwear-inator hits him) Get it while it's hot! (Perry disassembles the Underwear-inator)

Phineas: Irving! Get us out of here now!

Irving: Roger, over! (Underwear-inator hits him) Ahh! Lavender! Ahh! It had to be lavender!

(Irving runs from his station)

Phineas: Hello? Irving? Hello?

Doofenshmirtz: (as Perry is disassembling the Underwear-inator) Curse you, Perry the Platypus! You know, those, those really work for you.

Baljeet: I cannot believe I turned down a trip to the community pool for this!

Candace: She's growing! What do we do?

Phineas: One of us has to wake up and extract the others!

Baljeet: I am trying to wake up, but I can't! Ahh! Oh! I feel a shock!

Phineas: That's it! Let's all shock Baljeet awake with contractions!

Candace: Isn't!

Isabella: Won't!

Phineas: It's! Don't!

Isabella: Hasn't!

All: Ain't!

Baljeet: Ahh! That is both a contraction and grammatically incorrect! Ahh! (he wakes up)

Irving: (running around in circles) Lavender! Had to be lavender!

Baljeet: The... wires... must... pull... them... out... with... no muscles.

Candace: I don't think I can run anymore!

Phineas: Don't give up! Baljeet will save us!

Isabella: I'm getting tired, too!

Ginger: That's it! I'm dead meat!

Gretchen: Gretchen is out! Peace! (Candace falls, causing everyone else to fall)

Candace: I'm really complicated in here. (everyone gets eaten by the id and wakes up)

Ginger: That was great! Let's do it again!

Irving: Not me!

Isabella: I wish I had my camera!

Baljeet: Wait until they hear about this at psychology camp!

Phineas: Goodbye everybody!

Candace: Wow, I guess that was a lot of trouble to go through for a drain unclogger.

Jeremy: Yeah, by the way, here's your real gift. (hands Candace a bracelet)

Candace: Jeremy, it's beautiful! I really love it. Thank you. Wait, hold on. Where's Buford?

(In Candace's mind)

Buford: (to id) I don't care what Freud said about your selfish need for satisfaction. You're alright with me.

(id growls)