Ghost Host

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Ghost Host" from season four, which aired on May 5, 2006.

Plot
Flying Dutchman: Curse this cursed, ghostly fog. I can barely see past me own nose. (gas is sprayed in his eyes then the ship is split in half after it runs into a cliff. The Flying Dutchman falls down the cliff and through a basketball hoop before hitting the ground. The ship falls onto of him into pieces then he crawls out) Me ship. (his ship turns into dust then gets out his cell phone) Hello, Roadside Assistance? I've got a bit of a flat! My location where I'll be staying? Business or residence? (sees SpongeBob go into his house) Residence. (SpongeBob is walking through his house as The Flying Dutchman comes up and scares him through the floor) Argh!

SpongeBob: The Flying Dutchman! (melts into a puddle inside his pants) What are you doing in my house?

Flying Dutchman: I'm stuck here while my ship is being repaired. Until then, I'm here to haunt ya! (laughs maniacally. SpongeBob screams and runs to Squidward's house)

SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward! (knocks on the door) Squidward! Help! (Squidward opens the door and SpongeBob continues to knock but on Squidward's face)

Squidward: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ooh! Ee! Ow. Ee! Ooh!

SpongeBob: Squidward, you have to help me! There's a gh-gh-gh, a ghost in my house!

Squidward: SpongeBob, how many times do I have to tell you, I don't believe in ghosts, and I never liked you. (closes door)

SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick! Patrick! (Patrick opens up his rock) You gotta help me! The Flying Dutch... (Patrick closes his rock) man. (Gary crys) Gary! (opens his door and gasps) Don't you dare hurt my little Gary!

Flying Dutchman: Aw, I just wanted to pet the little guy. There, there. Dutchie's not gonna hurt ya. I love me a good snail. (eats Gary. SpongeBob screams like a man and rips off the sides of his head)

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: Gary!

Flying Dutchman: Nothing better than giving a good scare! Argh! (laughs)

SpongeBob: It's okay, Gary. (fire surrounds the Flying Dutchman and SpongeBob)

Flying Dutchman: Don't get too comfortable! (cut to SpongeBob walking up to his house, which is set on fire. SpongeBob does not get scared. Cut to bedtime)

SpongeBob: Goodnight, Gary. (his nose starts to itch so a tentacle scratches it. SpongeBob pulls off his covers to reveal him as an octopus. He screams while the Flying Dutchman laughs. Cut to SpongeBob opening up the refrigerator to a monster popping out and scaring him. Both laugh. Cut to SpongeBob looking in the mirror when in the reflection only, a monster eats him. He sighs and walks off. Cut to him eating cereal, which are eyeballs. He sighs and walks off again)

Flying Dutchman: Hmm? (SpongeBob walks up and opens a drawer then sighs and takes out the skeleton in it. As he's walking out, a monster pops out from underneath the floor and tries to scare SpongeBob but it doesn’t. The monster turns into other monsters, and even Sherlock Holmes, but still nothing is working) Hmm?

SpongeBob: Umm, Dutchie, is this gonna be much longer?

Flying Dutchman: Why aren't you freakin' out, lad?

SpongeBob: Well, you've been here a while, and, uhh, I've seen all your tricks.

Flying Dutchman: What are you trying to say?

SpongeBob: Eh.

Flying Dutchman: I know when I'm washed up. I've been doing the same material for years. Scaring is a young man's game. It's time to give up the ghost. No pun intended.

SpongeBob: Oh, no, no. I meant that I'm just used to it, that's all.

Flying Dutchman: Don't lie to me.

SpongeBob: You just gotta scare someone other than me.

Flying Dutchman: Hmm... (scene cuts to Mattress Discount)

Fish: Mind if I test it out? (hops onto the mattress) Yeah, this does feel comfortable. (doorbell rings)

Mattress Salesman: Would you excuse me for a moment? (fish on the mattress falls asleep as the Flying Dutchman tries to scare him. Nothing is working)

Flying Dutchman: Ah, forget it. (Mattress Salesman comes back)

Mattress Salesman: So, what do you think? (fish screams. Scene cuts to The Flying Dutchman trying to scare a little girl jumping rope. The jump rope hits him back)

Flying Dutchman: It's official. I'm not scary anymore.

SpongeBob: Just what kinda talk is that? You're just off your game, that's all.

Flying Dutchman: Maybe I just need a break. Take some time off, you know?

SpongeBob: Sure, relax a little.

Flying Dutchman: Maybe stay with a friend for a while. On a comfy couch in a pineapple. Just for a little while longer? 'Til I get back on my feet?

Narrator: 6 Months Later...

SpongeBob: (walks into his house) Hey, champ! How's it... (screams)

Red Ghost: Turn it up...

Purple Ghost: Turn the knob up.

Yellow Ghost: Whoo!

Flying Dutchman: Who'd guess we have so much in common? You like teddy bears; I like teddy bears. You like ponies; I like ponies!

Nancy: Is that a wedding ring?

Flying Dutchman: Oh, this? Oh, it's nothing. (takes it off and throws it away, landing on SpongeBob’s nose)

SpongeBob: What is going on around here?

Flying Dutchman: Come on, SpongeBob, don't be a stick in the mud!

Purple Ghost: Look out below! (riding on a motorcycle down the stairs and crashing into SpongeBob’s wall) How was that?

Flying Dutchman: Even better the third time.

SpongeBob: Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no! EVERYONE, GET OUT!!! Flying Dutchman: Alrighty, boys, party's over. (to Nancy) Time to scoot honey. (everyone leaves)

SpongeBob: Dutchie! Do you wanna spend eternity on this couch?

Flying Dutchman: Well, it is comfy.

SpongeBob: Look in the mirror. You're a ghost of your former self!

Flying Dutchman: Ah, you're right, SpongeBob. I'm pathetic.

SpongeBob: Yes, you are. But we're going to raise you up from your squalled conditions through the use of visual aids. Watch now. (SpongeBob puts a tape into the VCR)

Flying Dutchman: What in barnacles is it?

SpongeBob: A journey into self-awareness. (on the tape is a fish that uses a square hammer on a gong. An eagle flies through some mountains and says "Welcome stranger!" . Then some fish, wearing robes and roller skating, skate in a straight line)

Fish: The power within. The power within. (last fish holds a medallion up)

Fish #2: (whispering) The power within. The power within. The power within. The power within. (the man multiples into a blue, red, and green being of himself) The power within. The power within. (picks up some dirt) The power within! Yeah.

Flying Dutchman: That was beautiful!

SpongeBob: Now get off of that couch and into your clothes, Dutchman! It's time to get serious. (cut to later that night where an elderly fish lady is walking by some seaweed, where SpongeBob and The Flying Dutchman are hiding behind) Let's start you off easy. You think you can take that old lady down there?

Flying Dutchman: What are you kidding me? Scaring her is too easy.

SpongeBob: Now that's The Flying Dutchman I know. Let's see you put those words into action.

Flying Dutchman: No problemo, compadre. (thunder claps while the Dutchman screams at the old lady) Yargh!

Old Lady: Lonnie is that you?

Flying Dutchman: What? No! 'Tis I, the ominous Flying Dutchman! (screams)

Old Lady: Lonnie, there's this great new product called toothpaste. I think you should try it. (cut to SpongeBob flying on the Flying Dutchman's back. They spot a gym)

Flying Dutchman: Let's hit it. (The Flying Dutchman, goes through the wall but SpongeBob does not, smashing into the wall. Inside, Larry the Lobster is lifting weights. Then he looks into the mirror)

Larry: Dude, look at your pecks! You're phenomenal! Truly a hard body. Look at those guns. (Flying Dutchman attempts to scare him. Larry gasps)

SpongeBob: (chuckles) Now he's got him.

Larry: My altissimo dorsi has gone flabby! I gotta get to a rolling machine. (leaves)

Flying Dutchman: Ah. It's no use, SpongeBob. I can't seem to scare anyone. Maybe people just don't believe in ghosts anymore.

SpongeBob: Wait a minute! I think you gave me the answer to all your problems! (whispers into The Flying Dutchman's ears) ...goblins...guilt trip... (scene cuts to Squidward's house where Squidward slips into his bunny slippers and walks to the mirror. When he picks up his powder, it floats by itself and applies itself onto Squidward. Green fog begins to appear and a voice is heard in the fog)

Mrs. Tentacles: Squidward! Squidward!

Squidward: What's going on?

Mrs. Tentacles: Why haven't you called me?

Squidward: Mother?

Mrs. Tentacles: Why haven't you called your mother?

Squidward: (screams) Uh, Squiddums loves his mama.

Mrs. Tentacles: Why don't you call me then? Why don't you call me? Why don't you call me? (her face melts turning into a clarinet that plays music. The clarinet goes into one of Squidward's ears and out the other, literally)

Flying Dutchman: (through the clarinet) I heard you don't believe in ghosts!

Squidward: Ghosts?

Flying Dutchman: As in the Flying Dutchman! (tosses Squidward against the wall)

Squidward: There's no such thing as ghosts. No such thing.

Flying Dutchman: No such thing as ghosts? No such thing as ghosts?! You don't believe in ghosts?! (floor turns into liquid. Another ghost pops up and eats Squidward sending him into a light that spits him back into his house. A giant SpongeBob is sitting there breathing in and out really hard)

Squidward: SpongeBob? (SpongeBob’s eyes twist around his head and spiders crawl out and reveal the Flying Dutchman. F.D. does a trick to think that he is pulling his finger off)

Flying Dutchman: Ooh, scary!

Squidward: No! No! That's impossible! (runs out of his house) Ghosts! Ghosts!

SpongeBob: (runs out of the closet) Dutchie, it worked! You got your scare back!

Flying Dutchman: And me confidence, too. Now I feel like I can scare the living criminy out of anybody! All thanks to you, my boy.

SpongeBob: And, maybe your ship will be repaired soon.

Flying Dutchman: Actually, I have a confession, SpongeBob. My ship's been done for three months now. Well, it was nice rooming with ya. (flies back up to his ship) Oh yeah, I almost forgot! I left you a little something something for all your trouble. Now, it's time for me to ruin more souls. (ships sails off. SpongeBob opens the package. A hand grabs him and pulls him in. SpongeBob laughs)

SpongeBob: Good Ol' Dutchie!