Slumber Party

Linda: (gasps) There he is!

Little King Trashmouth.

Oh, what's he eating?

A coffee filter filled with taco meat?

No carbs for him, huh?

(laughs)

(gasps) Uh-oh.

Oh, it's the one I call El Diablo!

Like the Devil, yeah.

(chittering)

One of these days, there's gonna be a rumble between those two.

Bob: Lin...

Linda: I'm on the phone, Bob!

Ginger, I wish you could see.

The big one's all mangy and crazy-eyed.

He looks like your cousin Cheryl. (laughs)

Aw, poor Cheryl.

How's her psoriasis?

Oh, my God. Lin...

Oh, she used to leave a trail of those flakes...

Lin, we're kind of trying to eat.

Okay, Ginger.

Yeah, I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

Lot of raccoon talk.

Oh, shush, she asked.

She loves that stuff.

You know, Ginger could've listened to me forever, but she had to take her daughter to a slumber party.

Slumber party, huh?

My condolences to Ginger's daughter.

What? What's wrong with slumber parties?

Yeah, and while we're at it, what's wrong with diarrhea, huh?

Slumber parties are the cat's pajamas.

Especially when I wear my cat pajamas.

Wait. How many slumber parties have you been to?

One and a half.

I fell asleep at a regular birthday party.

I'm counting that.

You know, if you wanted to, you could have a slumber party here, Louise.

You can invite girls from your class.

(laughs)

Have you met the girls from my class, Mom?

Here's what I'm pretty sure is going through their heads every moment of the day: Stickers, stickers, stickers, stickers, stickers, stickers, stickers, stickers, stickers!

What kind of stickers?

I love stickers.

Anyway...

But, honey, you need a BFF like Ginger.

Let me tell you, they're not easy to find.

Got to slumber through a lot of parties to meet your Ginger.

She's right; I had plenty of false starts before I met Ken.

Who's Ken?

His adult albino friend who does improvised hip-hop.

Mm-hmm.

Yep. But Ken's also not real. Hey!

I had an imaginary friend.

She used to steal from me.

All my makeup, my lipsticks.

Well, thanks for the life advice, everybody.

Food for thought, ooh, yum.

Full of it, lots of thoughts.

(Linda sighs)

I'm worried about Louise.

What little girl doesn't want a slumber party?

Are you really surprised, Lin?

She's not the most social kid.

She still hasn't accepted my friend request, and I know she's seen it.

Ugh, drives me nuts.

If Louise would just do the things she hates, I know she'd love it.

That sounds like nonsense.

Nonsense or mom-sense?

I think you might be making too big a deal about this slumber party thing, Lin.

It is a big deal.

It's a part of growing up.

Like getting braces or throwing rocks at cars.

You used to throw rocks at cars? Yeah.

Cars wouldn't even come down my street after a while, 'cause they knew Linda would get 'em.

Okay, somebody give me a hand with the coffee table; We got to move it.

Finally, we're giving this dump a makeover.

I've been carrying these swatches around for years!

No, guess again.

What... wait, what's going on, Lin?

(laughs)

(doorbell rings)

Oh, who could that be?

Maybe it's for you, Louise.

You better check.

Sure.

Strange visitors at a weird hour?

Send your kid to the door! Go.

I hope it's Matt Damon.

I wrote him over a year ago.

Hi, Louise.

Slumber party!

(whoops)

No. No, no, no, no, no!

Ta-da!

Louise, you're having your very own surprise slumber party.

Ha ha!

No!

Linda: Bunch up, bunch up. Go.

Don't let her through, don't let her through.

Get her, get her.

(Louise screams)

Best friends forever!

Get the door.

Slumber party fashion show!

All right! All right!

Slumber party fashion show!

Come on, jump in any time, sweetie.

(growls)

Okay, she's still warming up.

Here we go.

This is happening?

Seriously, Dad.

I...

Dad, is this real?

I think it could be fun.

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna go finish, uh, something that's... Oh, you know what?

I'll do it for you and you just...

No, no, you stay, it's your party.

...enjoy the fashion show.

Got to go, have fun.

Uh-uh-uh, Louise, come on, uh-uh-uh.

No, please, Dad! Come on...

Ooh, look at Harley in a classic pink feather boa and one of my old nightshirts!

Okay, next model. Go! I'll go!

Gene, you just went.

Give someone else a turn.

(grumbles)

I'll go.

Ooh, rain poncho and sunglasses.

Forecast calls for fabulous!

That's it. I'm out.

Thank you!

Oh, no, you're not!

Stop it.

You're being very rude to your guests, Louise.

Am I, Mom?

'Cause let me tell you about my "guests."

Fashion show...

That's Harley.

Whoa, look at this fluffy boa snake.

I'm glad it's not a real snake.

Could you image it?

It's fake; It's a boa.

As in "Harley ever shuts her mouth."

Louise, what are your ten favorite colors of dogs?

Mine are red, brown spots, black, white, orange spots, kind of brown, kind of black, brown spots, black spots, red spots, red stripes...

And Jodi over there?

She's so afraid of germs, she's never sat on a toilet seat.

Or any seat!

(groaning)

And then there's Abby.

She likes to braid.

Stop it!

Stop braiding my mops, Abby!

But they look so pretty.

And finally, Jessica.

Bland, boring Jessica.

If she was a spice, she'd be flour.

If she were a book, she'd be two books.

Oh, yeah, she is boring.

Well, you know what?

By the end of the night, you're all gonna be good buddies.

Uh-huh!

She's Abby!

She's got heels on!

Ow! Ow! My ankles!

Lawsuit!

Okay, okay, you're okay.

Come here, honey.

Get up. Come on.

There she is.

She's dancin'.

Uh, excuse me.

Mrs. Belcher, I'm ready for bed.

What? You're poopin' out already?

It's 8:15, Jessica.

What're you...?

Huh? See? Well, that's my bedtime.

What are your parents, farmers?

No. Osteopaths.

Osteopath? What's that?

It's the-the study of the-the body...

Okay, that's nice.

Okay.

Tina, put her in your room.

Good night.

Okay.

Well, guess I'm gonna turn in, too.

(yawns)

No!

You're staying right here, young lady.

And you'll be glad you did when you hear what we're doing next: Tie dye!

Yeah!

No!

Yes!

No!

Yes!

Oh... that's an even worse form of dying than actual dying!

I would take actual dying right now!

Oh, so dramatic.

No!

(Linda grunting)

My hand! Ow!

Okay, great.

Tying and dying.

(trash cans clatter)

Hey, all right, Little King Trashmouth found himself a piece of pizza.

Aw, wish he could come to the party.

He could take my place.

Aw, that's sweet, but no.

Give me a shirt!

I'm gonna make the psychedelic crop top of my dreams!

Gene, I only got enough shirts for Louise and the girls, honey.

Hey, here's something you can do: You be the pesky brother!

You're runnin' around, you're pullin' the little girls' pigtails... On it!

Don't you dare.

Ow!

Sorry!

Um, I don't even want to do this.

It's my job.

(groaning)

I'm making it fun!

How about me, Mom?

What's my angle?

Well, Tina, you're the older sister.

You're over all this stuff.

You want to go to the mall with your friends and beep each other on your beepers.

Beep-beep!

Cool.

A sarcastic mall rat.

As if.

That's it!

You're gettin' it!

Okay.

You're okay.

No one knows.

You'll deal with it in the morning.

Go to sleep.

All right!

Harley, what you got?

(laughs) I made an orange and yellow tie dye, because my cat is orange and yellow.

And my cat's name is Popover.

What's your cat's name?

My cat's name is I Don't Have A Cat Stop Talking To Me Right Now, Harley!

Aw, so cute.

Where is it?

Okay, now you girls just sit tight.

I'm gonna get these shirts out of your way.

Louise, stop it!

Stay. Okay.

Ah, better check on Jessica.

Jessica?

(snoring)

You asleep?

Aw, look at her.

Snoozin' away.

Sweet little, boring little lump.

Whoops, oh, my tie-dyes.

Got to get these to the tub.

I'm just gonna make like a tree and go to my room.

Can I braid your hair now?

Say yes!

(sighs)

If you have stickers I'll trade you, but my stickers are really rare so one of mine equals six of yours.

Ugh... I need antibacterial soap and your mom only has seashell-shaped soap.

Ugh...

These are really rare.

Please let me braid your hair.

Oh, I could it around the side.

I could do it across the top.

(girls talking over each other)

Louise: Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it!

It is time to turn this slumber party into a going-away party.

Going-away party?

That's awesome!

(laughing) Yeah, it's really gonna be fun!

Why are you pinching my arm?

Bob, are you at a good stopping place?

Can I come in...

Oh, whew.

I know.

Whew, don't tell the little squeamish one you did that so close to her shirt.

I won't bring it up, but if she asks, I'm not gonna lie to her.

Linda: Next activity!

Make your cupcakes pretty, everybody!

And then we're gonna eat 'em up!

(whoops)

Mrs. Belcher, could we turn our heads to the side so we don't breathe on each other's cupcakes?

Uh... sure.

Whatever you need, Jodi.

Everyone, turn your heads to the side.

Ooh, okay, this is fun.

We can't see what we're doing so well, right?

Ooh, mystery cupcakes!

Germaphobe, huh?

Germs are all around us.

They're in our scalp, in our eyebrows, in our mucus membranes.

Someday, a cleansing rain will come.

That's what I keep telling myself.

That's what I keep telling myself.

Oh, yeah, I'm looking forward to that day, Jodi.

I really am.

Yeah.

So, uh... what are you doing here?

I mean, gosh, didn't they tell you, Jodi?

Tell me what?

About my mom's... infection. (gasps)

She's got sewer palm. (gasps)

And strep thumb.

(gasps)

Luckily, her whooping butt is in remission. (gasps)

Oh!

♪ La la la la la la! ♪

I love sprinkles!

Just let 'em sprinkle through your fingers!

Oh, no!

Germs! Germs! Everywhere!

Ah! Unclean! Unclean!

Jodi, Jodi, stop it! Jodi, Jodi...

(crying)

Calm down.

Ah, don't touch me!

Okay, oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Sewer palm!

Sewer palm!

Ah, okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Bobby!

Mr. Belcher's taking you home.

Get her out.

Really? Okay.

Uh, let's go, Jodi.

(crying)

Oh, God.

All right.

One down.

Hey, just 'cause Jodi had a freak-out doesn't mean the party's over.

Who wants to watch a movie?

Me!

Ooh, I do!

It's called Twincinnati:

Two twins who live in Cincinnati.

Oh, they're gonna eat chili on spaghetti!

Sounds twin-teresting.

Saddle up for round two.

I know what everyone's thinking.

A girl went home.

Wouldn't it be perfect if Tina took her place in the slumber party?

(scoffs) Thanks, but no thanks.

Tina, you can watch the movie if you want.

Oh, good.

(groaning)

So how's school this year?

(breathless): It's okay.

The classes good?

I have trouble with math.

Yeah, I never liked math.

(groaning)

And I'm trying out for field hockey.

Say again.

Trying out for field hockey.

I can't quite make out what you're saying, Jodi.

It's okay.

And that's the same actress playing both twins.

They do it with a mirror.

It's controversial 'cause it takes jobs away from other actresses who look like that actress.

Please stop talking!

You're ruining the shopping montage!

Sorry about my brother.

He gets a little sensitive when twins come up.

Oh, why?

Gene has a twin.

George.

He lives in the basement.

In... in the basement?

You'll probably see George later.

Mom lets him out at night so he can air out his hump, and his stump.

Uh, I don't know if I want to meet him.

Oh, of course you do!

But when he's up here, just don't blink.

Huh? If you blink, he goes crazy.

Ooh. Also, he speaks in farts.

Uh, what? And even if you think farts are funny...

'cause they are... just please do not laugh. Okay.

'Cause I laughed once... Yeah?

...and he bit off a piece of my butt.

What? That doesn't...

That's why I'm sitting like this.

'Cause I don't have two butt cheeks to sit on.

Is that why you dance weird in dance class?

Shut up, Harley.

(squeaking)

What's that noise?

Oh, no. (gasps)

What are you up to, El Diablo?

You get away from there.

(raccoons clamoring)

Oh, my God, the king's under attack!

It's a rac-coup d'etat!

Ha, hey, you girls still having fun, right?

I'll be right back.

Got to go deal with something.

It's not a wild animal, so everyone's okay.

(laughs)

Oh, Mom's probably going down to turn George loose.

No, I-I don't want to meet George!

Just don't look him in the eye, and you don't blink and don't laugh.

But I don't want to have my bum bit.

Oh! You just blinked. You need to practice not blinking.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

What's... what's going on in here?

I-I want to go home.

Take me home!

Wait? Why? Okay, um... are-are you sure?

I-I just got back from taking Jodi home, so...

I'm sure, I'm sure!

Well, she seems pretty sure, Dad.

Does anyone else want to go home?

Tell me now.

Um, are you gonna let me braid your hair?

Not a chance.

I'll come, too.

And... we're done.

Okay, if anyone needs me for anything, I'll be in my room forgetting tonight ever happened.

Good-bye forever!

Thank you, family!

It was a nice try!

Wait, what about the girl who went to bed early?

Right. Jessica.

All right, Snorey Feldman, up and at 'em!

Huh? A walkie-talkie?

Hello? Jessica?

Jessica: Uh, yup. What's up?

Okay, I'll say it walkie-talkie style.

The slumber party is over and out!

Oh, no, I'm not leaving.

Excuse me?

Yeah, you're not getting rid of me like the other girls.

Uh, ten-40.

Love you, kisses.

(blowing kisses)

What? No! No kisses! Jessica!

Oh, it is on like flan.

Do you eat flan, Jessica?

Because I've never had it!

Bob: Louise?

Am I taking Jessica home?

Take the others home, Dad.

I think Jessica wants to stay and play a while.

So that means I'll still need to take her home later?

Oh, yes, Father.

Oh, yes.

Bob: Great.

Okay, Jessica.

What's your problem?

Why the drama with the walkie-talkie?

Jessica: Where is it?

Where is what?

You know what.

I know you're messing with me because that's what you did with everybody else.

I would love to mess with you, Jessica.

Unfortunately, I don't know what you're talking about.

Wait, you seriously don't know what I'm talking about?

No, but now I kind of want to know.

Well, I can't leave until I find what I'm looking for.

So let's just play it cool and respect each other's situations.

Uh, okay, I'll respect your situation.

Right here in... the closet! Gah!

Wait a second.

These walkie-talkies were in my bedroom.

Oh, yeah, your bedroom.

It's nice in there.

You picked my lock?

It practically picked itself.

You pick yourself!

You pick your nose!

You pick your butt!

You pick your nose because you think your face is a butt!

And you should think that!

(yells)

Gene, Tina, where is everybody?

Bob, I need you in the bedroom.

What's wrong with your hair?

What's right with it.

Abby braided it.

Kids, how's the party?

Is everyone having fun?

They're about to get to the part where the mayor renames the city "Twincinnati."

The plot's got some holes.

But also a whole lot of heart.

All right!

Uh, keep slumber partying!

Good pun, Tina. Come on. Thank you.

Ow!

Shut the door!

What's going on?

Ginger, I know, I'm about to tell him.

Yeah, no, he's got his hair braided.

Pretty good, it looks pretty good.

Lin!

I got to go.

Bobby, stay calm.

We are harboring a royal fugitive.

What?

Oh, my God, Lin!

There's a raccoon!

It's Little King Trashmouth.

He's chewing on my good sock.

Yeah, He found it under there and he rubbed his scent glands on it on it and now it's his baby... aw!

Lin, why is he here?!

'Cause El Diablo attacked him tonight.

So I lured him in with some cold cuts.

He needs our help.

Okay, this is nuts, Lin!

Oh, he sounds anxious.

Get him some wine.

"Get him some wine"?

He likes red.

A little too much.

Listen, We have an intruder on the loose in this apartment.

(both yell)

Wait, is the intruder Jessica?

Yeah.

(yells)

Here's what we know... by day, Jessica is red-headed wallpaper.

By night, apparently she's a master of sneaking around our house and looking for God knows what.

I say we help her find her purpose in life.

(gasps)

A brand consultant!

Huh, I can see that.

No, hitting the bricks!

Lin, I don't want a raccoon in our room.

I know. I mean, I don't agree, but I understand.

More importantly, we need to take care of this fast so I can get this slumber party back on track.

There is no slumber party; I drove the slumber party home.

There's still one girl here, I think.

(gasps) I know what we can do. What?

We could trap El Diablo.

With him gone, the king can return.

That's ridic... Whoa!

He just looked right into my eyes.

See?

Oh, my God, he just raised his paw.

I think he just gave me the double guns.

We could hire Teddy to help us.

He has a live animal trap from the time he thought a squirrel was stealing his mail.

Sure, that...

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

Let's put a hat on him.

All right!

You hear that, El Diablo?

We're coming for you.

All right, let's just keep this a secret from the kids, right?

We don't want them coming in here and getting bitten.

Aw, babies getting rabies.

Why don't we tell Mom and Dad about Jessica?

They could make her come out.

Oh, no. She's mine.

Mom is not gonna have anything more to do with this slumber party.

You hear that, Jessica?

Or should I say Jessi-can't find what she's looking for?

Yeah, I hear you.

But all it sounds like is this.

(making fart noises)

You know what Jessica?

Why do you even want to stick around here, sweet baby?

This slumber party's not good enough for you.

Yeah, the hors d'oeuvres were blah.

And Louise's family kind of smells.

Just tell me what you're looking for and I'll help you find it so you'll leave my house.

I can't. And I can't tell you why I can't.

Oh, and also I won't.

(groans)

Don't be boring and mysterious, Jessica.

You can't have it both ways!

Got to go. Click.

Tina: She hung up.

She didn't hang up.

Louise, look!

(quietly): Louise, you should say, "I'll take what's behind curtain number one."

Because she's there behind the curtain.

Jessica, it's curtains for you.

Oh! That's better.

Who could be hidden behind a little curtain?

I wonder.

It could be Dad.

He has dainty feet.

And Dad likes to hide from us sometimes.

Okay, it's me. Happy now?

I'll be happy when you leave.

I'll leave when I find my thing.

Until then, slumber party on.

All right, you want a slumber party?

Well, then say pillow to my little friend!

Tina: Whoa. Pillow fight.

It's about to go down.

Goose down.

(both grunting)

(pants, grunts)

I know you're close, Jessica.

I can hear your boring breathing.

(yells)

(grunting)

Oh, Tina?

Yes?

Gene, is this your first time as a human shield?

Yeah. It's my third time.

You're doing great.

Thank you. (grunts)

(yells)

(yells)

Oh!

I'm gonna knock you out the door!

Gene, get me the memory foam pillows from Mom and Dad's room.

Fat Man and Little Boy?

On it!

Teddy: I came as quickly as I could.

Is it true?

Was the king deposed?

Yup.

There's the b*st*rd now.

Teddy: Yeah, look at him. El Diablo.

When did you both become crazy raccoon people?

Linda's been telling me stories about these little guys.

It's like I'm part of their magical world. Mm-hmm.

Well, let's set up the trap and get this over with.

What are we gonna bait it with?

Huh?

The bait.

Bobby, you can make him a burger.

Burger, yeah!

He won't be able to resist.

Right.

Ugh, guys, I don't want to make a burger for a raccoon.

Please, Bobby?

You can even name it like you like to do.

You call it a Medium Snare burger.

(both laugh)

Right?

Hmm.

No, wait.

The Cage-in burger.

Oh.

Get it?

Because he's gonna be in a cage?

Fine, I'll do it.

But I'm not naming it.

Oh, good, all right, yay.

Bobby, thank you!

Medium Snare burger.

Right, Bob?

That wasn't so hard.

Bob makes it sound so hard.

Having fun...

Jessica?

Oh, yeah!

Tons!

Thanks for... inviting me!

(yells)

Raccoon!

Raccoon in the tub! Aah!

Jessica: What the... Aah! Aah!

Give it! Give it!

Um, I'm no park ranger, but if a weird raccoon is holding something, let him keep it.

Wha...! Raccoon!

Raccoon in the tub!

Code orange! Code orange!

Give it! Give it!

Aah!

Give me that!

What is it?

Pajama bottoms?

And they're wet... with pee?

Are you a bed wetter?

Is that what this is all about?

It's not pee!

If it is, that raccoon really likes your pee, Jessica.

What's your secret?

No! It wasn't me!

Your... mom came in here and she peed all over the place!

I saw it!

Mmm, that does sound like Mom.

Aah!

All: Whoa!

Whatever your pee is selling, that raccoon is buying.

Great, everybody have a big laugh.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Do you think this is gonna work?

Have faith in your burger, Bobby. Look.

He's going for it.

Oops, I spoke too soon.

What if he doesn't like your burger?

That would be really embarrassing.

Shh. Of course he's gonna like it.

Not necessarily.

Look at him.

Sniffing around.

He does not like what he smells, Bobby.

I'm not arguing this with you, Teddy.

You didn't cook it well enough.

(shushes)

(whispers): You didn't cook it well enough.

Should've put some ketchup on...

Nope, he's eating it.

Going home, huh, Jessica?

Yup, just waiting for your dad to come back so he can drive me.

Good.

You really cut into my night.

So, I guess you're gonna tell everyone at school about this, right?

I'm not gonna tell anybody.

I'm no narc.

Oh.

Make fun of you for wetting the bed?

What is this, the '90s?

Come on.

You got a good system, though, huh?

Bring plastic bags, go to bed early, then get up first and dispose of the evidence?

Yup. So why go to slumber parties at all?

My mom makes me.

She's out of control.

Well, I wouldn't know anything about that.

Psych, my mom's crazy, too.

Oh.

Hey, you're pretty good with a pillow by the way.

Thanks.

Self-taught.

So, do you get a lot of raccoons in here?

Why, you jealous?

Yeah, a little bit.

Hey, what are you two still doing up?

Oh, do you want a ride home now, Jessica?

Okay, I guess it's time.

What?

It's a slumber party.

Why would she go home?

Whoa, wait a second.

You two are having a good time.

Ugh, Mom, stop!

Aw, my little BFFs.

Shush!

See, I knew you'd like it.

It all worked out the way I thought it would.

Tomorrow we're going clothes shopping.

No!

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

Here he goes.

He's almost out.

Go, Bobby, go!

Aw, sorry, King.

Great broom work, Dad.

Yeah!

If I was a raccoon, I'd leave.

He's out.

Now we can all go to bed.

Psst! King!

Drink responsibly.

Okay, good night.

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