Bazooka Steve

1 (Hawaiian music playing) Banana, Sheriff? Banana, Sheriff? How about a banana, Sheriff? A banana? That does sound good. What's wrong with my bananas? Oh. Right. (gasps) (blorp!) Dear God, a suspicious package! Banana, Sheriff? Not now, man! Clear the beach! Go for bomb unit. Steady Don't rush it. Damn it, he got spooked! Phew, just a white devil. Everyone can go back to handing each other different fruits! (dramatic music plays) ROGER: Really? I mean, what the [bleep] are we doing here? Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U. S. A. Aah! Good morning, U. S. A. I am so jealous you guys are going to the game! I can't believe the Bazooka Sharks made the playoffs! That's what the five-week regular season was all about. 3-2, baby! Sure there's no extra ticket? Damn sure - that there is one. - What?! And it's going to my boy, Steve. Why would you bring me? Yeah!Nobody loves the 'Zooks more than Klaus! I bleed silver and ocean lime. Klaus, you're not coming because you're wearing a t-shirt jersey. Oh. The guy at Marshalls said this was the real deal. Dad, take the fish. I'm almost through my annual re-read of "The Joy Luck Club. " No, Steve, I need a human torso. Dick has community service, so you have to step in as our "A. " "R"? "A"? What's the team name, the Ragamuffins? Yeah, Marshalls customer service, please. It doesn't exist?! So we're just gonna hang out in the parking lot for three hours before the game? No, Steve. We're also gonna pound Jagerbombs and maybe get into a fist fight with a middle-aged woman. It's called tailgating. Excellent! You brought the child, as we discussed. (can rattles) What are you doing?! Stop it! Look at that blank canvas. - Dad? - Wait! Steve's right. If anyone's gonna spray his "A," it should be his father. Tickets! Tickets! Need tickets, I got 'em. Have tickets, I want 'em. Thanks, Roger, but we're good. Got a great pair on the 50-yard line, handicapped zone. Need a wheelchair, I got it. Have a wheelchair, I want it. Need a high-protein snack on the go? Try walnuts! Eh, we're just here for the tailgate. We don't really care about football. Oh, I can make you care. You just need a little skin in the game. - What? - I'll take that action. Put you down for a dime on the Sharks. A dime on the Sharks? Smart bet. They got a lot of heat coming out of the regular season. 3-2, baby! This is gonna be incredible. Been looking forward to it all week The game, not the pee. I peed a couple days ago. (zipper zips) Remember to toss a penny in before you leave. Ew! That splashed me! Dude, that's eight months of good luck! Could you move down a little bit? Oh, I'm the weirdo. You haven't peed a drop the whole time I've been watching. When's the game gonna start? Not until Sky Crooner says it does. SKY CROONER: It's game time, honey! I've been waiting all day for Saturday at noon Whoa! Whoo! Ohh! Some say the ropes don't keep him from falling to the Earth, but rather, from flying to the heavens. Some say. Take his head off! - Kill him! - Slit his throat! That was savage! I-Is he all right?! (cheers and applause) He's dead?! Welcome to the Sharks' nest, baby! Mama, you like this? Hell, yeah, I like Sharks' ball on the 30. (crowd chanting) The Dreyer's Ice Cream-A-Torium? We get a free scoop at half-time. The widow picks the flavor. Here comes Johnny! The quarterback. That's Juan Consuelo, A. K. A. Johnny Concussion. Without a doubt, the greatest player in arena football history Probably. No one keeps records. (cheers and applause) Dad, Mr. Concussion isn't moving. Is he dead, too? Brain dead, maybe. Real dead, no way. Johnny Concussion always gets back up. ANNOUNCER: Bazooka Sharks fans, looks like Johnny's out cold. Let's help him shake out those cobwebs! (upbeat music plays) For goodness sakes I got the hippy, hippy shakes Yeah, I got the shakes I got the hippy, hippy shakes See? He's totally fine. This is barbaric. And you're cheering for it. I think I'm gonna be sick. Do you have something with the essence of ginger or anything to settle a rumbly tumbly? I got a 'Zooka Zinger. That's Goldschlager and Mountain Dew. Maybe just some nachos. And take your time, I'm in no rush to Johnny Concussion?! Excuse me, young lady, could you point me toward the field? The field? What What's wrong with you? You almost died on the field. Yeah, the field. That's where Johnny goes. Do you have any idea what concussions do to your brain? They're killing you! You're looking at me. Am I supposed to do something? Am I supposed to throw a football? Johnny! Where did you go? Your team needs ya. Okay, Johnny. You want to get back to the field? Right through here. I can't go back without my Johnny. Anyone care for a nacho? Oh, Steve, it's terrible! Johnny Concussion is missing. Oh, no! They're putting in the backup quarterback, Donny Forfeit! Don't do it, Donny! I got to do it! I don't have a choice! Red 42. Omaha! - (whistle toots) - ANNOUNCER: Sharks forfeit! Why did we draft him?! The season's over! Steve, tell me the truth. Did they write two letters on me because I'm fat? Last night after the Pizza Rockets defeated the Bazooka Sharks, the town of Aberdeen came together for a night of terrifying, but well-deserved rioting. This is shameful. That should be our elementary school on fire. I can't believe Johnny Concussion disappeared in the middle of the game. Yeah, that's weird. But it's a mystery we don't have time to solve. What, with indoor lacrosse season only a month off. Laser Rats, baby! I bleed tangerine and razzmatazz-red! Lacrosse is for girls. You're a girl. Look! They found Johnny Concussion! Johnny, your surprise mid-game retirement shocked everyone. Take us through your decision. Honestly, I-I didn't make the decision. My guardian a-angel did. Guardian angel? Oh, yeah. My angel said concussions were killing me, and I had to stop playing. He had angel glasses and a high-pitched angel voice. (deep-voice) I'm gonna be late for school. It was this little baby with a giant "A" painted on his little, baby chest. So, the hunt is on for Johnny's guardian angel. Wait, I'm receiving word that it's Steve Smith. Thanks, Francine! It's your fault our season's over? (sobbing) I just gave him the facts! You should leave, Steve. And come back right after school? 'Cause I'll always be loved here? Hey, Steve? Since I'll never see your bitch ass again, I might as well tell you. I'm the one who snaked all your Kit-Kats last Halloween. (gasps) (crunches) (coughs) I'm choking! Steve, my dearest friend, you must save me! In a school fire, you got to know what you want, 'cause the clock is ticking, but I nailed it. I got an overheard projector, a hand turkey by Emily C., and two dozen smoke-damaged copies of "Hatchet. " You were a part of those riots in Aberdeen? A part? How dare you?! I picked the targets, I set the fires I was an integral part! Oh, okay, yeah, I was a part, but I was excited. It's not every day you win a big sports bet. Oh, right. I owe you a dime. Just grab it out of the change bowl. Is there a thousand dollars cash in that bowl, 'cause that's what a dime is in gambler's lingo. Who knows that?! Everyone knows that, babe. I thought you were crazy to make that bet. I almost said something. I'll never be able to pay you a thousand dollars. Sure you will. And here's how. Whoa! We were just in the kitchen! You put a taxi meter in my car?! Yep, and you're gonna pay me back for that, too. But I don't want to be a cab driver. If it makes you feel any better, behind the wheel of every taxi is a sad, confused person who was tricked into a bet they didn't understand. You're on the clock for the next 10 hours. Here's a pee cup and some rigatoni I made last week. I would try to eat it today. There's no visible mold, but things are happening. Sorry I'm late. A principal in a Bazooka Sharks jersey stopped me in the hall, ate my entire bag lunch, and then told me my mama's cooking sucks. Things are getting a little hot for me, boys. But as long as we all stick together, you'll be able to absorb some of that heat. - Follow me? - I don't think so. I said it in a weird way. Picture this The whole town is freezing me out, boys. We can't help you, Steve! - We're huge Johnny Concussion fans! - What?! Johnny has a half-Asian girlfriend, and I respect the hell out of that. The dad is Asian, Steve. Do you understand that?! Is this the girlfriend's parents' wedding photo? I mean, is it sold in stores? This is the dad. Here we are at the museum. - Wonderful! - And you owe me nothing for the ride, since you won't let me turn the meter on. Right, right, right, right, right. You need paying customers to pay me back, right. Obviously. I'll get out of your hair. - 138 and Lex. - (sighs) So, you drive a cab, huh? That's cool. I love to dance. I love to feel people's eyes on me. I had a little bit to drink tonight. Ahh! Long Island ice teas, right? They're so sweet, but the boys keep buying them for me. If my fiancÃ© knew, he'd kill all of them. He's Dominican. He's crazy. The sex is good, though. He calls me his little Chihuahua. When I was a kid, my dad beat the shit out of me. Hey, thanks for reaching out to us. Happy to have you on our show. Well, I just wanted a chance to tell my side of the story. I think you're doing the right thing. Welcome back to The Fist, Langley's home for sports radio, where I'm joined by Steve Smith, the little bastard who tricked Johnny Concussion - into retiring. - Oh, what?! Can you pinpoint the exact moment you decided to destroy the very fabric of this community? I wasn't trying to destroy anything. He was wandering around in a daze. - Because you drugged him. - No! I didn't give Johnny any drugs! Because you needed them all for yourself. If you're just joining us, Steve Smith is here, and he's high on the drugs he was planning to use on Johnny Concussion. None of that is true! I just helped a guy who was in bad shape! Any decent person would have done it! Mike in Lanceston, what's your two cents? MIKE: Uh, yeah, I think it's too bad the boy's on drugs, 'cause I want him to feel what I'm gonna do to him. Strong take, Mike. Stay on the line, we're gonna hook you up with some Laser Rats tickets. Oh, my God! I'm going to the Rat Hive! Randy, what do you think of Steve Smith? Hate him. Want to murder him. (chuckling nervously) No one needs to die. Not me, not Johnny. It's just a game! Just a game? Really? Was World War II just a game? My grandfather was born in the '40s, so I find what you're suggesting deeply offensive. Caller, can you reason with this animal? FRANCINE: Steve Smith is a scumbag! - Mom? - (dial tone) I'm done! This town has gone completely insane! If anyone wants to continue the conversation, Steve will be leaving by our southeast exit - in about 30 seconds. - Hurry up! Where am I gonna go? Where am I gonna go?! (crowd yelling indistinctly) - (horns honking) - Me, too! That's the boy we agreed to kill! Aah! Dad! Drive the boy towards me! CROWD: Kill! Kill! It's fine. First time throwing a bolo, not gonna beat myself up for missing. It's important to try new weapons. (sighs) Can I help you? Is it possible to mail a human to the other side of the world? It is the policy of Packages Etc. to not ship humans. But since you are not human, but in fact, human garbage, I'd love to put you in a box. All right, you said your piece. Just ship me. How does overnight sound? Probably my best chance of getting there alive. Well, that's not how you're going. Phew! Just a white devil. Everyone can go back to handing each other different fruits! STEVE: Okay, Steve, this is your only chance to make a first impression. (as Rip Taylor) I'm here! Where are you from, Box Boy? I come from a land far, far away, many moons across the great sea. A place called America. I know where the United States is. We're not primitives. Oh, you'll needed to get fitted for a dick pouch. No need. I'm exactly the size of a "C" battery. Boy, this is great! I'm getting away from a very fraught situation, so chilling out and enjoying a little island life is just what I need. On this island, everybody works! Baskets. Hmm. So what am I, the distribution guy? Get them into stores? No, no, you make the baskets. I don't have any training. I'm still kind of a little boy. Come on. It's easy. Over, under, over, under. Over and over and over and over and over Like a monkey with a miniature cymbal The joy of repetition really is in you Under and under and under and under and under The smell of repetition really is on you And when I feel this way, I really am with you (sighs) Finished. Hmm. If I could give you some criticism, it's a little small. Also, it took you three months. Oh, while I got you here, Magunga, I wanted to put in a vacation request. Oh, when were you thinking? Any couple of days within the next Can't do it. (slow, jazzy saxophone plays) HAYLEY: I hadn't seen my brother in months. Almost forgotten his face. The streets were becoming my brother. ROGER: Hayley, you paid me off two days ago. You don't have to keep dr But I did have to keep driving. Because as I was saying, the streets were becoming my brother. ROGER: It had been days since Hayley watched "Master Chef Jr" with me. I told her I'd wait for her, but I didn't. I couldn't. Peyton made a souffle. Eight years old, making a souffle. Imagine that. Okay, can I just say something? I know one of you ate my fish, and it's bumming me out a little bit because I wrote my name (rumbling) Oh, I just bent a reed on my base stitch. Is it me, or is management giving us a lot of dry reeds lately? Forget work! The volcano's active! Oh, will it kill us all? That might be nice. If you're looking to sacrifice a virgin, your prayers have been answered. No, it's boulder-pushing season. Every time the volcano erupts, each village sends the strongest man, and they race to push a boulder into it. Does that, like, stop it from exploding? No, it's just fun! Micah's from our village. (cheers) Hey, I've seen him around. I'm Team Micah! (horn blows) (drums beating) Wow! The volcano is so steep! I can't believe how strong they are. Uh-oh! Our boy's in trouble. - (bones crunch) - Aah! Oh, no! (grunting) Aah! Yeah, Micah! Kill him! (grunting) (laughs) We did it! We won! Look how excited everyone is. And why? 'Cause they're not basket-weaving. I get it now. People spend all day at work. The daily grind, the rat race, the old punch-in, punch-out. And the only relief is the promise of the weekend. When you get together with your sad friends, numb yourself with enough vodka to kill a horse, and watch an athlete do the physically impossible or get gravely injured trying. And that's where you come in, Johnny Concussion. Will you strap on the pads again? Be the shiny something that distracts us from our crappy lives? JOHNNY: They tell me that's the ball from my first touchdown. Okay, kid, I'll do it. But what about my dead brain? Okay, kid, I'll do it. That's my Johnny! ANNOUNCER: Another late hit! Johnny really has 'em frustrated. You did a good thing getting Johnny back on the field, Steve. Thanks, Dad. - And I'm sorry your job makes you so sad. - What? SKY CROONER: You shake it to the left You shake it to the right My wife, she caught me cheating Now I sleep here at night Ooh, yeah Inside the jumbotron Hoo, wa-wa-whoo!