The Separation Oscillation


 * Penny: Hi.
 * Leonard: Hey.
 * Penny: You couldn't sleep either?
 * Leonard: Of course not.
 * Sheldon: Me either. But I just had a tickle in my throat. Not profound martial problems.
 * Leonard: What are we gonna do?
 * Penny: I don't know.
 * Leonard: Please tell me how to fix it.
 * Sheldon: I'm glad you asked. As I see it there is a simple solution. Your lips had a dalliance with the lips of another woman. It seems only logical that to restore balance to the relationship you should find another man and dally with him. And by dally, I mean some hardcore mouth in mouth action.
 * Leonard: Okay, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.
 * Penny: Actually I think he is onto something.
 * Leonard: You can't be serious. 'Cause I messed up and made out with a girl you're going to do the same with a random guy?
 * Sheldon: I'm currently single.
 * Penny: That's true. You are.
 * Leonard: What is happening?!
 * Sheldon: I'll tell you what is happening. I'm saving my best friend's marriage! (Turns to Penny and plants a big kiss on her; she responds with a passionate embrace, wraps her arms around his neck and her leg around his waist!)
 * Leonard: *gasps* (waking up in bed from his nightmare)


 * (The scene of Howard entering the kitchen of the Wolowitz house with excitement when he sees a furious Bernadette preparing a tray of brownies).
 * Howard: Ooh, brownies for girls' night!
 * (Bernadette slaps her husband's wrist firmly just he reaches for one)
 * Bernadette: (she's very cross indeed) Hands off. I'm mad at you.
 * Howard: (he sighs) Look, I know it's a lot of money, but the guy at the store said in five to seven years, it'll pay for itself.
 * Bernadette: (she is asking Howard crossly) What will pay for itself?
 * (Howard shiftily gazes round the kitchen for ten seconds)
 * Howard: Doesn't matter. What are you mad about?
 * (Howard opens the fridge door)
 * Bernadette: (she explains to him crossly) I'm mad at you for blabbing to me what Leonard did on the North Sea, and I'm mad that I've had to hide this from Penny for two years.
 * Howard: (he's explaining shiftily) And you have every right to be mad about those things. So, why don't you let me handle the credit card bill this month, huh? I mean, don't even look at it.
 * Bernadette: (she's still very cross) I mean, if Penny finds out I've known all this time and haven't told her, she's gonna think I'm a terrible friend. I wish you never told me.
 * Howard: And I wish Leonard never told me. He's the bad guy here.
 * Bernadette: (she speaks crossly and quietly) I guess that's true.
 * Howard: And you let Penny marry him. (he scoffs) Compared to that, who cares if I bought a George Clooney limited edition manscaping kit?
 * (Howard shiftily leaves the kitchen whilst Bernadette has a huge angry think to herself)


 * (Skype ringing in the desk scene of Apartment 4A)
 * Amy: (extremely angrily) Sheldon, I don't think you understand how being broken up works. The only way I can sort through my feelings is if there is space between us. Every time I see you, it re-traumatizes me. I go through the pain all over again.
 * Sheldon: Well, hello to you, too.
 * Amy: (she is asking Sheldon angrily) What do you want?
 * Sheldon: I understand we're no longer a couple, but I would like to remind you that we made a baby together.
 * Amy: What baby?
 * Sheldon: A precocious little Internet show known as "Fun with Flags".
 * Amy: I'm hanging up.
 * Sheldon: Great. See you in about half an hour.
 * Amy: Sheldon, I am not doing "Fun With Flags" with you.
 * Sheldon: Why not?
 * Amy: Because we're broken up.
 * Sheldon: Sonny and Cher made it work. Their variety show kept going long after the divorce, and here we are still talking about them.
 * Amy: No one's talking about Sonny and Cher.
 * Sheldon: You must be thinking about Donny and Marie, 'cause you and I are clearly talking about Sonny and Cher.
 * Amy: Sheldon, this has to stop. I know it's hard. It's hard for me, too. But I've seen and talked to you more in the two days we've been broken up than in the last two months that we were together.
 * Sheldon: Well, if you want to see less of me, maybe we should go out again.
 * (Amy no longer responds to Sheldon as she is now off Skype).


 * Leonard: Well, hi. I'm calling about your marriage counseling services and I'm curious watch your rate is. Really? Um, okay. Is there any kind of discount for length of marriage? 'Cause we're talking hours here.


 * Penny: I guess my big problem is I never saw Leonard as the kind of guy who would do something like this.
 * Amy: Anybody can make a mistake in a weak moment.
 * Penny: What do you think?
 * Bernadette: (pretending to be guilty) Oh, I don't know what to think. But then again, I just found out about it.
 * Penny: You know, I fell in love with Leonard because he wasn't anything like the guys I was used to dating. I mean, I knew those guys weren't above cheating because that's usually how we met.
 * Amy: Come on, you know Leonard's not like that.
 * Penny: I want to believe you. I really do. Am I being naïve?
 * Bernadette: (nervous with guiltiness) Oh, I don't know. This is all so new to me. I'm still processing.
 * Penny: You know, he never would've done this when we first met. He's cockier now.
 * Amy: That's because you made him more confident.
 * Bernadette: (rather honest) You know, if you think about it, without you, he never would've grown into the person he is now. I mean, sure, more women might notice him, but I think it's better to have a guy be with you because he wants to be and not because he thinks he doesn't have any other choice.
 * Penny: I never thought about it like that.
 * Bernadette: (finally tired and very cross) Oh, me neither, not until just now.
 * (The subject is now closed as Bernadette now wobbles her glass and gazes round the room crossly)


 * Penny: So you said you had something to tell me.
 * Leonard: Oh, yeah, um. Do you remember when you accused me of trying to sabotage our wedding?
 * Penny: Uh-huh.
 * Leonard: I've been thinking about it and you might be right. But the good news is that I'm pretty sure I know why.
 * Penny: I'm listening.
 * Leonard: Penny, after all these years, I still feel like I don't deserve you.
 * Penny: Okay, that is the lamest excuse you'd could've possibly come up with. But I get it.
 * Leonard: You do?
 * Penny: Yeah. Sometimes I worry you're gonna wake up and leave me for someone more like you.
 * Leonard: I don't even understand why you're with someone like me. Why would I want to be with someone like me?
 * Penny: You know what I mean. And, you know, maybe the way I've been reacting was me sabotaging this too.
 * Leonard: (sighs.) well, how about we stop being so scared of losing each other and just be together?
 * Penny: That sounds nice.
 * Leonard: Good. (Both chuckle.) Because...I've loved you from the moment we met and I will keep loving you until the end of time.
 * Penny: Oh. Oh my God. That is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.
 * Leonard: Really? That's because you're beautiful, and your beauty fills my heart with love and song.
 * Penny: It's getting a little cheesy Leonard.
 * Leonard: Huh? If you think that was cheesy, buckle up. (Leonard takes her hand and drops to one knee.) Penny Hofstadter, will you please stay married to me?
 * Penny: Oh damn it. You topped it. Should we go to the bedroom and make this marriage official?
 * Leonard: Yes, please.
 * Penny: Okay.


 * Leonard: Hey.
 * Mandy Chow: Oh hi, Leonard. What's up?
 * Leonard: UH, do you mind if I sit?
 * Mandy Chow: Sure.
 * Leonard: So I've been thinking a lot about you and me and the boat
 * Mandy Chow: What about it?
 * Leonard: You know. what we did when we were drunk.
 * Mandy Chow: Oh no. Did I sleep with you too?
 * Leonard: No, we just made out.
 * Mandy Chow: Oh, well good for me. So what can I do for you?
 * Leonard: Um, okay. I just got married recently.
 * Mandy Chow: Oh, congratulations! To Sheldon?
 * Leonard: (rolls his eyes) Ha! That never gets old. No, no. To a girl. Anyway I told her what happened between you and me and she is concerned about us seeing each other at work.
 * Mandy Chow: It was just a kiss. Why would you even tell her?
 * Leonard: Because I didn't want there to be any secrets between us.
 * Mandy Chow: Is that really the reason?
 * Leonard: What else would it be?
 * Mandy Chow: I don't know. Sounds like you're trying to sabotage the relationship.
 * Leonard: No, I don't think so. Although, Penny did say exactly that.
 * Mandy Chow: Okay. Well, that is something to think about.
 * Leonard: You know, on some level I've always believed that I don't deserve a woman like her.
 * Mandy Chow: Oh, so you're gonna think that right here?
 * Leonard: I mean, she's really beautiful. She could have any guy she wants. Which is probably why it took her so many years to tell me she loved me.
 * Mandy Chow: Maybe you should talk to a therapist about this.
 * Leonard: Too expensive. You'd think I'd be used to women withholding their love. I mean, my mother did. I mean, no matter how hard I tried she just did not have any interest in me.
 * Mandy Chow: Imagine that.
 * Leonard: I wonder if that's why I have such a dysfunctional relationship with Sheldon. I had a dream the other night that I was in a cave and I was nursing a baby, but the baby had Sheldon's head on it.
 * Mandy Chow: And your wife is worried about me?


 * (The scene of Sheldon entering the door of Amy's apartment with a box of belongings. He is about to knock and suddenly stops himself for a second to think. He now knocks three times only once. He then makes a fist and Amy opens her apartment door in a big rage)
 * Amy: (with a giant fume of anger) What are you doing here?
 * Sheldon: I'm here to return your belongings. That's what people who've broken up do.
 * Amy: And You didn't do your compulsive knocking ritual so I would open the door.
 * Sheldon: On the contrary, you don't get to enjoy my charming eccentricities anymore. We're not friends with benefits!
 * Amy: Just give me the box.
 * Sheldon: W-Wait. Don't you want to go through it to make sure I haven't forgotten anything?
 * Amy: Fine. My old scarf.
 * Sheldon: You wore it the night we went ice-skating. Remember?
 * Amy: You mean the night that I went ice-skating, and you stood at the rail Googling the symptoms of hypothermia?
 * Sheldon: We made one heck of a team, huh?
 * Amy: Whose bra is this?
 * Sheldon: It's not yours? Oh, my. How embarrassing for both of us.
 * Amy: It's Penny's.
 * Sheldon: Hey, you broke up with me. It is none of your business whose naked bosom I'm smooshing around like pizza dough.
 * Amy: Good-bye.
 * (Amy's apartment door now slams on his face)


 * (Amy is watching Sheldon on a podcast of a new episode of "Fun with Flags").
 * Sheldon: Then the Czech Republic says to Slovakia, "I don't think you understand how being broken up works!"
 * (Amy opens her mouth with an angry shock)
 * Sheldon: Can you believe that? You would think that the Czech Republic would be trying to hold on to what it has given that it's not as young as it used to be. And I don't see any other countries lining up to invade it's southern borders.
 * Amy: I'm gonna kill him!
 * Sheldon: But enough about the Czech Republic. Let's talk about the time Moldova made Romania a birthday cake and Romania said it tasted good even though it didn't. And yet Romania gets dumped. I'll pause here while you mull that one over. I know, right?
 * (Amy puts the podcast screen down in a complete huff)


 * (The Apartment 4A scene during the ending shot where Sheldon opens the door and sees a mega-gigantically furious Amy who has just seen the video of what he has just done to her on "Fun with Flags")
 * Amy: (she shouts with an enormous tone of anger) How dare you go on the Internet and say mean things about me and compare my genitalia to part of Czechoslovakia?!
 * Sheldon: (he speaks to Amy nervously) You saw through that one, did you?
 * Amy: (she yells with one last gignatic burst of loud anger) I don't know what you were thinking, but take the video down now!
 * (Amy now slams the door in Sheldon's face and is now gone)
 * Sheldon: (he's smiling shiftily) She watched it. I'm gonna get that girl back.
 * Amy: (Yelling through the door out of vision) I only watched it because you e-mailed it to me with the subject line: "This is gonna make you mad"!
 * Sheldon: She was listening through the door. She wants me.
 * (Sheldon now skips off happily to his room)


 * (The shot in the hallway to Amy's apartment where Sheldon knocks on the table with Penny's red bra in his hand)
 * Sheldon: (knock, knock, knock) Amy. (knock, knock, knock) Amy. (knock, knock, knock) Amy. (sighs) Hmm. Tables work, too. Good to know.


 * Raj: I can’t believe you made out with Mandy Chow.
 * Leonard: Well, trust me, I wish it never happened.
 * Raj: And you knew about this this whole time?
 * Howard: I did.
 * Raj: And you didn’t think to tell me?
 * Howard: Leonard asked me to keep it to myself.
 * Raj: Let’s leave Leonard out of this for the moment. This is about you and me.
 * Leonard: Wait, wait, wait, how is my day-old marriage falling apart becoming about you two?
 * Raj: Hang on. What do I need to do to make you trust me?
 * Howard: You think it’s hard having one wife, try having two.
 * Raj: I bet you told Bernadette all about how he was screwing around with Mandy Chow.
 * Leonard: Oh, we didn’t screw around. We just got drunk and made out.
 * Raj: Whatever. It would have been nice to hear it from you.