What a Turkey!

(The episode opens on the front yard of Shnookums and Meat's house, where a cage has been set up for Mr. Gobble, the Thanksgiving turkey, as he sees a fly buzzing around and tries to eat it. His beak misses the fly a and hits the ground instead, as Meat comes by and pushes in a water dish for Mr. Gobble to drink from.)

Meat: (introduces himself to Mr. Gobble) "Hello, Mr. Gobble, and welcome to the neighborhood. Now that we're livin' at the same house, we can be best friends. So, if you never need anything, just call me. My name's Meat." (He goes to shake hands Mr. Gobble, whose head splashes in the dish instead.) "Wow! It sure is nice having a pal so graceful and noble. What a distinguished life you lead!"

(Just then, Husband and Wife arrive at the cage.)

Husband: "Honey, look at this fine, young turkey I found for our Thanksgiving feast-ivities!" (Meat pants eagerly, agreeing with him.)

Wife: (nervously and curiously) "But, what do you... what do you... do with it?"

Husband: (explaining to her, as Meat grows apprehensive) "Well, uh, from the get-go, you just, uh, lovingly r-remove the entire head region as one." (Meat clutches his neck, fearfully) "Then, you, uh, y-y-you lose the two American feet." (Meat clutches his foot and twitches his arms and legs, as Husband finishes explaining to Wife.) "Uh, then, you pluck it, basically."

(Meat zips over to the cage and sees Mr. Gobble running around wildly with the dish stuck to his head.)

Wife: (appalled) "Ugh! That's disgusting! I won't have anything to do with that job! I don't see why we couldn't have just gone to the store!"

Husband: (reassuring her) "It's fresher this way, my gentle pet. It'll preserve its natural juices! This'll be just like the Thanksgivings I used to have on the farm. You'll see, darling! It'll be the best tasting bird we've ever engaged in!"

(As Husband and Wife go back into the house, Meat thinks hard, with a thought cloud appearing, as he thinks of Mr. Gobble and a hatchet and then concludes they're going to cook Mr. Gobble for dinner! Mr. Gobble, having his head stuck in a tree, pulls his head out of the hollow and rolls right in front of Meat.)

Meat: (alarmed) "Those-k-! The people are gonna eat you! We gotta do somethin'!" (gets an idea) "Hey! We'll get Shnookums! He'll know what to do! Shnookums would never want any harm to come to such a magnificent creature!" (He splits off for the house, unaware that Shnookums has similar plans.)

Shnookums: (grinding an axe while wearing a chef's outfit in the kitchen) "Ooh, I love a lot of things about this time of year! But the most of all, I like the turkey at Thanksgiving!" (pulls out a cookbook) "Ooh, I can hardly wait 'til that bird's stuffed, cooked, and carved up! Mhmm-H-!" (gets yanked by Meat)

Meat: (shaking Shnookums wildly) "SHNOOKUMS! You gotta help us! Mr. Gobble, the people, the gobble, the g-!" (stammers wildly) "They're gonna eat him!"

Shnookums: (pushing Meat aside) "Of course, they're gonna eat him, you dunderhead! And we're gonna help 'em! Ho-ho! It's Thanksgiving! Yum-yum-yum!" (Meat reads Shnookums' apron that says, "I luv to eat dead turkey".)

Meat: (gasping in horror) "You! You're in on this, too, Shnookums?!" (gasps again) "You're all in on it! It's a national conspiracy against turkeys!"

Shnookums: (arguing with Meat) "Come on, we've been eating turkeys since the dinosaurs! What's the matter with you, Meat? Don't you like turkey anymore?"

Meat: (sympathetically) "We can't eat him! He's-he's Mr. Gobble. It ain't human! I'm gonna help him escape!" (He tries to run off, until Shnookums stops him.)

Shnookums: "Woah-ho-ho, what are you gonna do, Meat? Give the feathered moron a plane ticket to a vegetarian colony? It's only a turkey! Lighten up!"

Meat: (confidently while propelling his feet) "I'm gonna set him loose, Shnookums! And don't try and stop me! My mind has made up!"

Shnookums: (calmly) "I was afraid of dat." (He pulls out a frying pan and knocks Meat out cold with the pan. Then, Shnookums stuffs Meat in a crate and brings him outside, where the mail truck picks Meat up for Antarctica.) "Hasta la vista, booby!"

(He zips back inside the house and looks at Mr. Gobble through the window, his eyes bulging and tongue hanging out with hunger. Mr. Gobble runs back and forth inside the cage, hitting each wall of the cage. Shnookums goes downstairs to do the job as night falls. Shnookums then enters the cage, holding a sack.)

Shnookums: (sadistically) "Well, well, well! If it isn't Turkey Lurkey! I got some corn here to help fatten ya- I mean, keep you healthy." (He grabs Mr. Gobble and dumps the corn down his throat.) "Yes, sir, Mr. Turkey, a diet is very important if you wanna live a long life. Heh-heh! If you consider tomorrow morning long! Yup! You wanna eat, right? Because if you don't, somebody's liable enough to come along and chop off your-!"

(A large icicle appears above Shnookums' head and knocks Shnookums out. Meat has returned from Antarctica with a team of sled penguins at his will. He grabs Mr. Gobble.)

Meat: (whispering) "It's okay! It's okay! I'm on your side. C'mon, we gotta get outta here."

(They peek their heads around the corner of the house and see that the coast is clear. They take off running, until Shnookums drops a trash can on them, as he pulls Mr. Gobble out of the trash can.)

Shnookums: (angrily) "Try to set my Thanksgiving dinner free, will ya?!" (He whacks the trash can with a baseball bat and drags Mr. Gobble away.) "C'mon, bird-brain! You're comin' with me!"

(Soon, Shnookums has Mr. Gobble in a high chair, as he resumes feeding Mr. Gobble the corn. Meat jumps in to save Mr. Gobble, until Shnookums pulls his brain out, causing Meat's eyes to drop through the roof of his head. Shnookums looks at the brain and panics. He grabs Mr. Gobble and runs off with him, as Meat scrambles to catch his brain, but he misses it. Inside the living room, Shnookums barges in with Mr. Gobble and stuffs him inside the TV set. He then sits on the couch to read a newspaper, his body physically shaking. Meat then appears, tearing up Shnookums' newspaper.)

Meat: (confronting Shnookums, furiously) "Where's dat turkey, Shnookums?!" (grabs Shnookums) "What have you done with Mr. Gobble?!"

Shnookums: (fibbing) "Sorry, who? Oh, oh! The turkey!" (snaps his fingers) "Oh, oh, he, uh, left."

Meat: (being fooled) "He did? You mean he got away?"

Shnookums: (fibbing) "Yeah! He must be miles from here by now!"

Meat: (sighing relievedly while dropping Shnookums behind the couch) "What a relief!" (He walks across the living room, as Shnookums eyes him, evilly, until he sees Meat standing at the TV set.) "Hey! I wonder what's on TV!"

(Shnookums chatters his teeth, fearfully, as Meat turns on the TV and sits down with Shnookums. The TV turns on to show a newscaster.)

TV Newscaster: (in a nerdy voice) "And now, we go to Washington for the President's State of the Union address, baby!" (His teeth sparkle on the screen.)

(In Washington, the president stands ready (and headless) until Mr. Gobble pops out of his body, getting Meat's attention.)

Meat: (surprised) "Hey!" (He runs over to the TV, kicking the TV stand aside, and opens the monitor to let Mr. Gobble out. Meat crushes the TV set with rage.) "So, you thought you could put one over on me, huh?!"

Shnookums: (propelling his feet) "Well, whaddya know?!" (He dashes out of the living room, until Meat grabs him.)

Meat: (confronting Shnookums once more) "I know what you're tryin' to do!" (He grabs Mr. Gobble to show to Shnookums, slamming him on the floor repeatedly.) "Well, you're not gonna lay your grubby paws on this poor guy again! Your kind are all alike, Shnookums! You'll eat anyone without so much as even consulting with them first! Well, it's time something was done about it!" (He lets go of Mr. Gobble, as he then hugs Shnookums, tightly.) "You oughta give a little compassion! A little understanding. Look at this fine animal. Just look at him!"

(They drop their jaws and see Mr. Gobble ready to walk out of the living room. Mr. Gobble turns his head at them and shrieks, as he then darts off down the hallway. Shnookums and Meat chase after Mr. Gobble, until they all crash into a wall. Shnookums gets off of Meat and grabs Mr. Gobble's head from Meat, who pulls on him likewise.)

Shnookums: "Let go, you coward! You're stretchin' my dinner!"

Meat: (grunting) "Let's give this guy a break, huh?!"

Shnookums: "Never! It's Thanksgiving! We have to eat turkey! It's the law!"

(Mr. Gobble clucks, as Meat lets go of Mr. Gobble's rear, which crashes into Shnookums and knocks the cat out cold.)

(Soon, Shnookums wakes up and sees Meat standing with Mr. Gobble. He gives the turkey a cup of tea to drink from.)

Meat: (sympathetically) "Here you go, Mr. Gobble. This should calm your nerves, and then, you'll be set free. Poor guy. Look how shook up he is."

Shnookums: (shocked) "Set free?! I can't believe you!" (He finds that Meat has tied him to the chair for safety.) "Get me outta here! That turkey is our dinner!"

Meat: (stopping Shnookums with a wave of his hand) "Oh, no, he's not, Shnookums!" (pats Mr. Gobble's head roughly into the teacup) "This is one turkey that's gonna survive this holiday season! We can have our tofu turkey instead."

Shnookums: (losing his sanity) "No. Not dat!" (fidgets in the chair and breaks free from the ropes) "You gotta be stopped!" (pounces on Meat) "NOBODY'S GONNA STOP ME FROM EATING TURKEY! NOBODY, YOU UNDERSTAND?!" (presses Meat's nose as Meat twitches uncontrollably) "In fact, I-I can't even wait for Thanksgiving! I'M GONNA DO HIM RIGHT NOW!" (He cackles like a madman and bolts for a kitchen drawer, where he digs out some objects until Shnookums grabs a hatchet.)

Meat: "SHNOOKUMS! Put dat down!" (Meat jumps for Shnookums, but he is too late to stop him, as Shnookums jumps, and Meat crashes through the drawer.)

Shnookums: (twisted) "Don't even try and stop me!" (giggles uncontrollably) "I'll eat him all, oh-ho-ho!" (He charges for Mr. Gobble, armed with the hatchet.) "And there'll be nothing left!" (babbles) "Nothing! It'll be all mine! A-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

(Mr. Gobble screams and ducks from the hatchet hitting the teacup. Mr. Gobble and Shnookums run through the house, until Shnookums steps on a rug and slips through the kitchen and outside the door, where he crashes into a tree, which falls into the house. Outside, the hatchet seems to have cut Mr. Gobble's head off, but Mr. Gobble has his head unharmed. Shnookums stands up, massaging his bruises, and screams as he sees Mr. Gobble coming toward him with the axe. Shnookums wraps himself into a ball, until Mr. Gobble taps Shnookums' fur and gives him the hatchet. Shnookums raises his eye and stands up, grabbing the hatchet.)

Shnookums: (calmly) "Wow. You turkeys sure are stupid." (He grabs Mr. Gobble by the throat.)

(Soon, Mr. Gobble has his head settled on a chopping block, as Shnookums stands at the ready, dressed as an executioner and preparing to chop off his head. Just as all hope is lost, Meat grabs Mr. Gobble and the chopping block and replaces them with an anvil. Shnookums hits the anvil and then vibrates out of his outfit and right over to Meat. The two of them growl fiercely at each other and then get into a fight inside a dust cloud.)

Shnookums: "Oof! Get off me! Take that!"

Meat: "No, you don't!

Shnookums: "Take that and that, and that, and that, and that, and that!"

(Mr. Gobble watches the fight.)

Meat: (gives Mr. Gobble the car keys.) "Here Mr. Gobble. Take these. Go. Go now! It may be your only chance!"

(Mr. Gobble runs away from the scene and into the garage. He takes the family car, running over the two pets. Mr. Gobble stops the car and then backs up. By now, Shnookums and Meat have turned back into their physical forms.)

Shnookums: (angrily) "I can't believe you gave him the keys! I gotta stop him!"

Meat: (holding Shnookums back) "No! Let him go!"

(Mr. Gobble flattens them again in the car. He drives throughout the house, destroying various rooms, and then speeds away from the house, barrels through a line of telephone poles and a set of trash cans, and drives over the hill, disappearing from sight. Meat stands there, triumphantly, while a baffled Shnookums stands against the remains of the house.)

Shnookums: (angrily) "Nice goin', Meat! Have you thought about what the people are gonna do to us when they find out you let the turkey escape?!" (Meat immediately then envisions themselves being cut up as Thanksgiving turkeys and cringes at the thought.) "We gotta get outta here!"

Meat: (considerate) "You're right!"

(They flee the house, which crumbles to pieces.)

(On a beach, Mr. Gobble enjoys his new life as a playboy, as he raises his sunglasses.)

Mr. Gobble: (to the audience in a Trans-Atlantic accent) "Uh, I may be a turkey, but I ain't stupid. Uh, despite the rather fallacious disputations to the contrary." (A beach babe sits next to him.) "How about some more cocoa butter, toots?" (The woman puts some sunscreen lotion on his back and spreads the lotion on him.) "And give some over to my pals. They're over there as well."

(Shnookums and Meat rest nearby, with Shnookums in a bathing suit and Meat in a bikini.)

Meat: (reassuring Shnookums) "See, Shnookums? He's not a bad guy after all. Aren't you glad you didn't eat him?"

Shnookums: "Yeah, yeah." ( pulls out a knife and fork)  "He's swell." (He splits off to eat him, but Meat grabs him by the tail and puts him back in his towel and also inside the sand.)

(Iris Out)