Chairman of the Bored

CHAIRMAN OF THE BORED - By: TOM MINTON, TOM RUEGGER, PAUL RUGG, SHERRI STONER Directors: RUSTY MILLS and CHRIS BRANDT Animation: STARTOONS MARY H: Greetings from Impetago, where all the stars have turned out for *the* celebrity gala of the year! Look at who's here! {Music} MORGAN: You gonna blast this one like you blasted all these others before? CLINT: I ain't the way I was before. BRANDO: Columbus understood that the earth wasn't flat like this or this or this. Au contraire -- Columbus knew the earth was round, like this! WAITER: Care for any dessert, sir? BRANDO: Oh, this will do for a begining... MARY H: You just never know who will turn up at a star-stuffed shin-dig like this one! {Blow the Man Down} YAKKO: Yup! You never know who'll turn up! WAKKO: Especially uninvited! {Warners' Theme} Mmmmmm! These cheeseballs are deeelicious! DOT:   [Fake British accent] Please sir, may I have some more? YAKKO: More?!? Say no more, sister sibling! PIP:   Oh, hello. YAKKO: @@h, hi! Yakko Warner! PIP:   Pleased to meet you, Yakko. Name's Francis Pumphandle, but everyone calls me 'Pip'. {Those Endearing Young Charms} YAKKO: Great cheeseballs, huh, Pip? PIP:   I'll say. Cheeseballs are one of my all-time favourite foods. I       always seem to meet the most interesting people when I'm around them, too. In fact, cheeseballs bring to mind the time I met _Bob_Barker_. YAKKO: You don't say. PIP:   Yes, indeed. _Bob_Barker_. Star of the most popular morning game show. He's a host, an emcee, _and_ a celebrity, all rolled into one. Anyway, eight months ago -- it was Tuesday the seventeenth, I believe -- or it _might_ have been the eighteenth...no, no, it was definitely the 17th, because it was precisely one week after my aunt Lucretia's       birthday, which is the tenth. Aunt Lucretia's quite a woman. Loves to cook. She prepares a _fabulous_ war shu a. That's a Chinese duck dish. I _love_ Chinese food. I once went to a party where they served Chinese food _and_ cheese balls. Now _that_ was a Catch-22 situation. "Catch-22" was a movie, you know. It was long, _very_ long. They say the book was better, but it was a novel and I never finish reading those things. YAKKO: Well, isn't that interesting. PIP:   Of course, a lot of people don't read much nowadays. They watch television. I caught a program on PBS last night. A very good {?}                                        show on chimpanzees DOT:   What took so long? Is Michelle            in the media. They Pfeiffer out there? had a clip of J. Fred YAKKO: Never mind! There's a person up           Muggs, that chimp from here you gotta meet! the TODAY show. But DOT:   Mel Gibson? it was Fred's chimpanzee YAKKO: @@@@@h -- close! girlfriend that had me stumped. I couldn't                                                   remember her name, so I                                                    looked it up. Her name was Phoebe B. Beebee. YAKKO: Dot Warner, this is Francis Pumphandle. ...But -- "Everyone calls me Pip." Everyone calls me Pip. {Strolling through the Park One Day}       Anyway, as I was saying, eight months ago, Tuesday the seventeenth, I went DOT:   I'm going to hurt my brother badly. downtown on a nice, relaxing stroll. I love to relax. In fact, relaxing is a pastime of mine. Some people play golf. Others like tennis, horseshoes, bridge, canasta, and other such _fancy_ hobbies. DOT:   Wakko Warner, meet Pip. Bye. PIP:   Charmed to meetcha. Now, another hobby enjoyed by many is       knitting. My grandmother was a great knitter. Knitted this sweater I'm wearing. It's red, which is _not_ my favorite color. I prefer mauve or mustard yellow. Now, don't get me wrong: red is okay for ties and suspenders, but with sweaters I prefer more neutral colors. WAKKO: I have to go. PIP:   But when I'm relaxing, I don't care _what_ I wear: long pants, Bermuda shorts, T-shirts, or formal attire. You name it, anything goes. Now, on the seventeenth, during my relaxing stroll, I recall wearing my herringbone jacket, my Laughlin, Nevada souvenir tie, and my charcoal gray slacks. Or was it the navy slacks? Oh, I suppose it doesn't really matter, does it? What matters is comfort. You know, I once stayed at WAITER: Doggie-bag, sir? a Comfort Inn. Warm, {Where, Oh, Where Has My Little Dog Gone} cozy, comfortable. I                                                  love comfort. It goes along with that pastime of mine, relaxing. Now, {?}                                       for me, there is _nothing_ more relaxing than a WAKKO: Go away! nice leisurely stroll, like the one I took eight months ago on the 17th. {Strolling Through the Park}              It was a bright, sunny day WAKKO: This man is scaring me. which of course is the optimum condition for relaxed strolling. YAKKO: Can't say it hasn't been grand, Pip,       And as I walked along, I        because it hasn't.  We gotta run. 'Bye! found myself humming a                                                  haunting melody. I kept humming and humming and humming and humming. I couldn't get the tune out of my head. Y,W,D: Retreat!! I racked my brains YAKKO: Pip, we'd love to stay and count our       to come up with the title, brain cells as they die one by one...     but to no avail. You see, DOT:   ...but we can't!                           I'm not terribly musical. WAKKO: Gotta go! And yet, I'd always wanted Y,W,D: 'Bye!!! to play an instrument and {?}                                       be like my musical hero, Y,D,W: Free at last, free at last, thank---       Leo Sayer. But who can compete with Leo? I think I was just scared that I'd fail. Y,W,D: Aaaaaaggggghhhhhhh!!! {Those Endearing Young Charms}            Well, I decided right then and there to go buy a musical instrument. So on the particular Tuesday the seventeenth to which I was referring, I went down to the Sixth Street Music Emporium to buy a _new_ tambourine, a _terribly_ soothing instrument, contrary to popular opinion. And as I was strolling along, I detected a wonderful scent in the morning air. What could it be, I asked myself. DOT:   Silence? PIP:   So I went toward that marvelous scent, distracted by its aroma from my musical mission. The odor was a mix of orchid flowers and bologna, which of course is one of the world's most under-appreciated luncheon meats. {'Morning' from the William Tell Overture} That and pimento loaf. I _love_ a good pimento loaf and mayo sandwich -- the more pimentos, the better. Why, just the _mention_ of pimentos makes my taste buds stand up and say, "Howdy." Now _there's_ an inter esting word: "Howdy." {Song without Words #6} Is it from "How are        you" or maybe "How you doing"? "Howdy"'s one of those strange words that really _has_ no origin. I like saying "How do" more than "Howdy" -- more formal, I think. Not too flowery. But the flowery aroma of that particular Tuesday morning carried me on my fragrant quest. {?} YAKKO: Adios. WAKKO: Arrivederci. DOT:   Au revoir. YAKKO: Sayonara. WAKKO: Aloha oe. DOT:   Oy vey. ... {There's No Place Like Home} Ah, home sweet home. PIP:   Now, the smell was actually _less_ bologna and more orchid -- the beautiful flower found on the island state of Hawaii. Of course, I wasn't _in_ Hawaii, so I needed to search out the location Y,W,D:                                 of the nearest orchid. {This Is the Way We Wash Our Clothes}  So, I visited every florist's        shop in town. Well, to make a _long_ story short, not a _single_ flower shop in town had _any_ orchids in stock, which seemed _mighty_ curious to me. Now, as we all know, curiosity killed the cat, but since I'm not a feline, I wasn't _too_ worried. Felines are funny creatures, don't you think? ALL:   Ptoooie! PIP:   I had a cat once. It used its claws to tear my living room couch to shreds. It was a comfy couch, too. Had a sleep-away bed in it       with a foam rubber mattress. Now, I bought the couch _and_ the mattress at Levine's Department Store on Third Avenue, the _very_ same afternoon of that relaxing stroll aforementioned. I also bought myself a _lovely_ tambourine on that _same_ shopping expedition. Anyway, I didn't want to pay extra for the delivery of the couch, so       I decided to carry the couch home myself. It was _quite_ cumbersome. And getting it through the store's revolving doors was a _bit_ of a       challenge. {The Bear Went Over the Mountain} And _just_ as I emerged onto the street, by accident I bumped into a well-dressed man with an       orchid in his lapel. It was _Bob_Barker_ and he was eating a bologna and cheese balls sandwich. Well, it's been nice chatting with you. Y,W,D: Huh? PIP:   Bye! DOT:   It's too quiet! WAKKO: I miss him!! YAKKO: Pip! Wait! Pip! Come back! Tell us another story! {Warners' Theme} DOT:   Please! I wanna learn more about bologna! WAKKO: Did you ever meet Don Knotts? YAKKO: Oh, tell us, please do!