Spike Fraser in: Should I Happen to Back Into a Horse

1 [Theme music plays.] [Thunder crashes.] [Cackles.] [Whirring.] Man: It's alive! [Thunder rumbles.] ["Pop Goes the Weasel" plays.] [Explosion.] Oh, my God Larry! Thanos: Infinity. Just like that. [whoosh.] Ah, [bleep.] . I am Sauron, Lord of the Rings! I did it! [Laughs.] Oh! Nooooo! [Doorbell rings.] Woman: Are we expecting anyone? If you're a salesman, we don't have any mo Oh! - Is she here? - I, uh, uh, uh Honey, who is it? - Mother? - [Gasps.] Bambi? Father said you couldn't be with us because man had taken you away. Aman, Bambi. Aman took me away. - This is David. - Um, would you like to come in? Please do. I I have a lot to explain. No. I just wanted the truth, and I got it. Mama, who is it? Bambi II, meet your brother. - Do you want to play with me? - A brother?! I, uh - Come on. I'll show you my salt lick. - Okay. [Door closes.] Well, hello, there, buddy. Who Whose bear is this? [Roars.] Easy, big guy. [Sniffs.] Yeah, I got a Code 7 on platform 6. [Roars.] Ha-ha. N-Nice Teddy. Are you hungry? Aaaoww! [Roars.] Aah! Aaaah! [Roaring.] [Screaming.] And then Paddington pulled out his spine and roared to the sky. - Another trophy for his bloodlust. - This book's awesome! TV announcer: The San Diego Zoo's last male red panda has died. With only one female left, this will be the end of the red panda species. Marco, you can Animorph into a red panda, right? Oh, no. No way. I'm saving myself for the right humangirl. You're 18 and still a virgin? Both: Pound that panda! Pound that panda! Pound that panda! [Growling.] Dude, you don't have to go down on the red panda. Marco: It's about her pleasure, too, guys. You think anybody saw you chomping down on that red panda? Uh, well, I'm not in prison, so no. TV announcer: Authorities are calling the red panda's pregnancy a virgin birth, so we eagerly await the arrival of red panda Jesus. So, obviously, the Civil War was fought over states' rights. [Whack!.] Whoooooa! Oh! Brainy, what are you doing? My glasses! I can't find my glasses! Papa Smurf always says, "Brainy Smurf without his glasses is like Smurfette without her tits absolutely useless!" - They're on your face! - Your tits? Oh. Oh! Aah! Argh! [Glass shattering.] I believe you're suffering from CTE, Brainy chronic traumatic encephalopathy, most likely from being tossed onto your head - one too many times. - What do we do?! Holistic approaches, like acupuncture, have been shown to Not in the head. [Groans.] [Bang!.] Aah! Oh, look at that. Looks fine to me. Fine?! You diagnosed him with CTE and gave him a loaded handgun, you idiot! Well, you should have gone to Dr. Smurf. I'm Costume Party Smurf! Holy shit! Aliens exist! I feel so small. We wasted so much time fighting for turf when we were just a mote of dust in God's eye. Here comes the [bleep.] Punisher! [firing gun.] - Wait, wait, wait! - None of this matters now! Punisher: Gunshot, gunshot! - Ooh, shotgun! - Fighting over watches? Watch me jam your heads up each other's wormholes. [Crash!.] Wait, wait! We're not alone in the universe? This does change everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got it. You got it! Punisher: Hey, aliens, watch me fly! Steve, your testimony today could help put away a very bad guy. What did you see on the day in question? [Growls.] Well, I was playing with my best friend, Blue, when I heard my neighbor scream. A stranger ran by covered in blood! When I went to their house, their faces had been cut off. There were clues everywhere. Steve, do you think the stranger killed your neighbors as retribution for their testimony against the Death Wheels? Spectators: Yeah, yeah! Objection! Leading the witness. - Objection! - Overruled. The witness shall answer the question. [Growls.] Y-Yes. And is that stranger in this courtroom today? Spectators: Over there! Over there! That's him. [Spectators gasp.] You better sleep with one eye open. [Gasps.] Hiya, Blue. Nice to meet you. - I'm your new friend, Joe. - Where is Steve? Steve had to go into witness protection. But he's still in touch with, like, his parents or someone, no? Be good. No witnesses. Is the target's limo approaching? Give the go-code. Finally, I will see you dead, Wonder Woman. Or should I call you by your real name, Princess Diana. [Telephone rings.] Is Princess Diana dead? What do you mean, wrong limo? Shred everything! She was a candle in the wind. [Humming.] I am Skeleton! No, that's too on-the-nose. Um [Clicks tongue.] Let's see. Oh. Hm! Ho-ho! Hey, now! They expect us to believe that a single bullet entered through President Kennedy's head, ricocheted off the mirror, came back up through Governor Connally's body, turned right, then left, then hit the president again? This Magic Bullet theory is absurd! [Whoosh.] [Ding!.] Honey, what's wrong? Hup, we gotta get out of Dallas, Martha. I've done something bad something very bad. [Wolves howling.] - Did you hear that? - Ah, the Children of the Night. What beautiful music they make. Uh, hello. We are the Children of the Night, and this is Mozart's Third Symphony, "The Awakening of Autumn. " [disonant music.] You're making me look like a real asshole! [Snarling.] Ah, what the hell are you?! No, don't answer that. I kill you now. - Did he call yet, Mom? - No, honey. But you know your father would never miss your birthday. Mwah! [Sighs heavily.] Caroline, do me a favor and drop off this $400,000 at the bank. Let me do that shit. Caroline gets dumb bitch all over everything. Then it's out of bounds because it's heavy-flow Friday. You gotta see how I murdered this tampon! Uh, no, Bitch Pudding. Just go. [Clears throat.] Gonna need your gas card. [Tires squealing.] Suck my [bleep.] , temp job. I'm off to Reno, baby! [Siren wailing.] Not today, pigs! [Laughs maniacally.] [Tires screeching.] [Explosion.] A motel for jerking off! Time to bash my bean on a pile of cash. There's more dead birds in here than Woody Woodpecker's [bleep.] dungeon. My name is Norman Bates. My hobby is taxidermy. And my hobby is getting stuffed, but I don't hang my cooch on the wall. Ugh! This place smells like my granny's embalmed asshole! Gonna jerk it outside. - Norman: Oh, Mother, she's just a customer. - Woman: She's a slut! Who's a slut? I'ma slut! Let's party! Oh, Mother, I'm sorry. No, no, you're not sorry. He's straight-up Gollum and shit. It's time to change your diaper, Mother. Go smash your testicles with a toilet seat, dear. Oh, Mama, you got out of my head and you're real. I'm gonna be up in yo ass if you don't do as I say! Oh! Gah! I did what you said, Mother! Wait. Mother only makes me smash my testicles on Tuesdays. That was not my mother! Huh? [Laughs maniacally.] What have you done to Mother? Sorry, but you can only Real Doll your dead mama for so long before she needs a freakin' shower. Oh! Ugh! [Laughs.] Aah! You never hit a mentally ill person with his dead mother's severed leg! It's a real trigger! Then trigger warning, bitch! [Grunting.] Oh! I just Fore! [Laughs.] Hello? The police? Yes, this is Norman Bates. There's a psycho after me. Snip, snip! Boo, [bleep.] nut! [Laughs maniacally.] - [Laughter echoing.] - Ow! Whoa! Bitch Pudding: 10 points! - I love traveling with you! - Should we, you know Bitch Pudding: Put your [bleep.] in her! - What the? - Who said that? Are we being watched? Nooo! Put your hand [bleep.] in her! Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-gawk! Bawk. Well, he's probably just stuck in traffic.