Father of the Bob

Young Bob (falsetto): Hey, Bob.

Thanks for cooking me.

You're pretty good with that spatula; How old are you?

(normal voice): 14.

(falsetto): Oh, wow, you're like a prodigy.

(normal voice): Yeah, I'm pretty good, I guess.

(falsetto, laughing): That tickles, I like it.

Here you go, Henry.

What's this?

I ordered the usual.

Well, well, since Pop's getting his prostate checked, and I'm manning the grill, I thought, why not try the unusual?

Ooh.

Henry, I present to you "Baby You Can Chive My Car Burger."

Sour cream, chives, and little fried pickle wheels on the sides that make it look like a car.

Vroom, vroom!

You know he's a grown man, right?

Someone's having fun at work today.

Yep, a lot. I came up with a bunch of ideas for specials.

The Crispy Brinkley Burger, the Richard Per-Simmons Burger, the Greed is Gouda Burger...

Easy, easy, whew. Okay, okay.

Pete: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sorry, I got excited.

I-I'm just passionate.

(door opens)

So that's what a prostate exam is.

(shudders)

Did you guys know what it was?

I think it's more fun if it's a surprise.

Hey, Big Bob, look what Little Bob made.

Junior, what is this?

It's a "Baby You Can Chive My Car Burger."

A what you can what my what burger?

Henry, did you order this?

What'd you order?

The usual, but this looks okay.

I-I like cars.

Try it, Henry, y-you might like it.

Don't tell him what to eat, Junior.

He didn't order that, he's a tuna melt man... look at him.

I-I'll take a bite.

I'll eat the wheel.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's my burger-car. Get off.

It's nobody's burger-car.

We'll make you a tuna melt.

Just everybody shush!

That's the last time I get my prostate checked.

Linda: Wrap it up, Teddy.

We got to close up.

We're going to Big Bob's Christmas Eve party.

Ugh, Teddy, eat slower.

Actually, that's too slow.

Dear Lord Santa, this year, please bless me with a calendar of Australian firefighters holding puppies in casual settings.

And bless me with a perm.

You only live once; Why not have a little fun up top?

And, Santa, bless me with an internship at your company.

Preferably something in the flying animal or breaking and entering department, thank you.

Kids, I know it's Christmas Eve but I don't think you pray to Santa.

Lord Santa, strike him down!

Ooh, that reminds me.

I'm supposed to go to midnight mass tonight.

Either that or midnight basketball.

I've got my shorts in the truck.

What do you think I should do?

Combine them... mass-ketball!

All right, let's go.

Big Bob's Christmas party, here we come.

I don't want to go.

Plus, is it a party if my dad just works the whole time and charges people?

Isn't that just being a restaurant?

It's Christmas, he invites us every year, we're going.

But we just went two years ago.

That was seven years ago.

You sure?

I remember. I was still breast-feeding.

No, you weren't.

Not with you.

Fine, we'll go, but we're sticking to the 15-minute rule.

What?

What are you talking about?

It-It's that I can only be around my dad for 15 minutes.

Then I have to leave before I completely lose it.

Well, good luck.

(timer dings)

I give it three months.

I'm gonna go inside.

(timer dings)

You're a lot fatter than I was at your age.

Gotta go.

Aw, cute kid.

(kissing)

(timer dings) So you named him Gene, huh?

Is it too late to change that?

I'm gonna leave now.

But this is your house.

That's okay.

Yep, so now Dad only sees Grandpa in 15-minute intervals.

It's like speed dating but with your dad.

Hey, father issues... we all got 'em.

I've got mother issues, too.

I've even got cousin issues.

Beautiful blonde cousin issues.

Aw... Ew. What?

Oh, forget your 15-minute rule.

Tonight's the night you and your dad finally patch everything up.

Because of ♪ Christmas magic ♪ ♪ Christmas magic ♪ ♪ This time of year ♪

Okay, stop, stop.

Teddy: ♪ This time of year ♪

Stop, stop, Teddy.

♪ And all the cold hungry people ♪ ♪ All those cold hungry people ♪ ♪ They're dying in the streets ♪ ♪ They're dying in the streets ♪ ♪ Me and my family will be warm tonight. ♪

Okay, Lin.

Anyway, the rest of us get along great with Pop Pop.

I enjoy his opinions on what's ruining America.

You know what you should do?

You should ask him for $5.

He'll give it to you... in cash.

Okay, fine, fine.

We're... w-we'll go to Grandpa's.

But we're only going for 15 minutes.

Teddy, have fun at church.

Or basketball.

Either way, I'm wearing shorts.

♪ Fa-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ Oh, it's Christmastime again... ♪

(quietly): Guys, guys, did you get presents for Mom and Dad?

I got Mom that hip-hop yoga video she wanted.

I went in on it.

Tina, how much do I owe you?

Just kidding, it's on you.

Great, that'll be from all of us.

So what did we get Dad, Tina?

(gasps)

I didn't get him anything.

Oh, way to go, T.

Gene and I are pulling our weight.

Yeah, Tina.

Sorry, it's just been a crazy season.

Well, we can't put "sorry" under the tree, can we?

We'll just give him whatever's in my pocket.

A chocolate-covered raisin.

Scratch that. A raisin.

Crap, this happens every year.

Well, we're gonna have to make him a gift at Grandpa's.

Mm.

There it is.

Our restaurant's dad.

Hey, look who's here.

Hey, Pete.

Merry Christmas, Bob and family.

Merry Christmas, Pete!

You haven't been here in so long, I grew a big white beard.

Just kidding, it's a Santa beard.

This is my real beard.

Keep going!

Russian nesting beards!

How's your bar?

Pete owns the bar next door, remember?

Is it still gay, still going strong?

Stronger and gayer than ever.

That's our motto.

♪ Stronger and gayer than ever! ♪

I just wrote a jingle for you.

Hmm.

Ha!

She's pretty "singy" tonight.

♪ Yeah. ♪

Hey, Big Bob's in the back, and I think it's hug o'clock.

Huh, kids?

I get it.

We're coming for you, Pop Pop.

Here you go.

Merry Christmas, Big Bob.

Linda, kids.

Boy, you get smaller every year.

When do I stop calling you Big Bob and start calling you Old Wrinkly Shriveled-Up Bob?

Ha! All right, all right.

Sorry.

And how are my grandkids doing?

I got problems, but nothing five dollars wouldn't fix.

(clears throat)

Grandpa, you don't look a day over grandpa age.

You're a doll, Tina.

Thank you.

Hey, look what I got here.

Who's your favorite president?

Bill Pullman!

"Today we fight for our independence!"

Here you go.

Oh.

Merry Christmas.

Thanks, Gramps.

Hey, listen.

We have an arts and crafts emergency.

We need glue, we need paper, we need pasta.

We need it, like, yesterday.

How many sizes of googly-eyes do you have?

I don't really have any of that.

But I've got a bunch of crap down in the basement if you kids want to take a look.

One man's trash is another man's present for their father.

Hey, Junior.

How are things?

Eh, my prep guy's gone tonight.

Went to the hospital 'cause his daughter's having a baby.

People can be pretty selfish, I guess.

(scoffs)

Jerk baby.

Linda.

Uh, h-hold on here.

Bobby, this is going well.

Yeah, check back with me in 14-and-a-half minutes.

(whispering): Christmas magic.

Stop saying that.

No, I don't want to.

You sure look slammed tonight, Big Bob.

Seems like you could use a hand.

If only there was someone here...

Lin, no.

Who knew their way around the kitchen...

Stop.

They knew the menu...

Lin, no.

Where to get the cheese...

No.

Knew where that goes.

Stop.

They knew their way around.

Stop it.

Like the back of their hand.

Like they were raised here.

No, no. I-I don't.

Yeah, I doubt he'd...

Bob could help cook.

No, I-I don't...

Ah?

I'll get trapped in there...

15-minute rule.

It's you father...

Stop it.

It's your father.

Shut up.

All right!

You two bond, have fun!

Big Bob: Okay, this is it.

I'm gonna give Little Bob his Christmas gift.

Everybody ready?

Bob Junior!

Wh-What's going on?

Bobby, you've been working here your whole life.

And I'm sure you've been waiting for this day.

W-What are you doing?

From this point forward, Big Bob's Diner will officially be called...

Oh, Dad, don't.

...Bob and Son's.

All right!

Yeah!

(cheering)

The new menus.

And... Okay, that's gonna say "Son's."

It's not done yet, but it's great, huh?

My cousin's painting it. He's slow, he can only do about a letter a day, but he can spell like a son of a bitch.

Like a son of a bitch.

Come here, partner.

Uh...

(mocking): Uh, uh...

Come on, want to be partners, or what?

No?

(gasping)

You're welcome.

I think...

Wait, what'd you just say?

I said no.

I could never be partners with you.

You're impossible to work with.

What? Oh, boy.

Easy, Little Bob.

I want to change the menu, a-and you never want to change the menu.

And you're so critical.

I can't even lift a spatula without you saying I'm doing it wrong.

'Cause you're doing it wrong!

L-Let's let the spatula decide.

You both call it, a-and we'll see who it goes to.

I want to express myself in the kitchen!

And when I say that, he makes this weird sound!

(sighing scoff)

That sound!

What is that?!

You're gonna do this?

Right now?

In front of everybody?

You know what? Get out!

Take your jokey burger specials and go!

Fine! You just gave me a new burger idea.

The I'm Sproutta Here Burger.

Comes with sprouts.

Ah, not that but something else.

(sighing scoff)

I thought of a better one!

The "I'd Be Cheddar Off Literally Anywhere But Here Burger!"

Comes with aged cheddar... forget it!

Forget it!

Merry freaking Christmas!

Merry Christmas, Little Bob!

Lin, this was not the plan.

Me cooking with my father at the party was not the plan.

We are radically off plan.

Bob, calm down.

Listen to me.

This is a great opportunity for you two to turn your bad blood to glad blood.

Here, Bob, have some Christmas magic, eh?

Wait, Christmas magic is wine?

It's whatever you want it to be.

It can be snow or Santa or beer or gin or rum or schnapps.

I-I get it. Listen, I've been with him for five minutes, so I'm setting this timer for ten minutes, and then I'm leaving.

Well, I'm setting this timer to forever.

'Cause that's how long you and your father are gonna love each other.

Talking about your heart, Bob, not your nipple.

All right, pastrami with mustard, table three.

Uh, w-where's the club sandwich for table two?

Right here, Dad.

I got a great idea, Big Bob.

How about I run the food, that way you can stay in the kitchen and cook with Little Bob.

No, no, I-I think Big Bob is fine running the food. That's...

Look out, table two, here comes Linda with your club!

(Bob sighs)

Wait, where's table two?

You order a club?

Club? Club?

Present for Dad, present for Dad, present for Dad.

Ooh, cans of beans!

(imitating drums)

Dad loves to drum on beans, right?

What about this chair?

Dad sits sometimes.

Ugh, boring.

He'll sit when he's dead, Tina.

What if we glue all these mousetraps together, and call it a super trap?

(gasps) What if I make my chair a super chair? Like, if I tape this pad of paper to it, then he could journal.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is this a little friendly competition we have here?

A little Christmas competition?

Whoever gives Dad the best present, wins a...

A Mistle-Tony!

Yes! The most coveted award in gift-giving!

Dibs on bringing Mom to the ceremony!

Dibs on bringing Dad.

Dibs on bringing Dad.

Nope, too late.

So, who you bringing, Tina?

I don't know now.

Yeah.

So, uh, th-the grill seems good.

It's getting to be an antique.

Yeah, we all are, you know?

(chuckles)

Yeah.

It-It's a new hood?

Five years ago.

Good hood?

Yeah, pretty good.

Pretty good hood.

Yeah, I-I got a good hood, too.

Ah, that's good.

You always said you need a good hood.

I never said that.

I thought you said that; I... that's...

No one in the history of time has ever said that.

"All you need is a good hood."

I swear I remember you saying that all you need is a good...

That wasn't me.

It was someone else.

I don't know why anyone else would say that.

(ticking)

Dad's chair is almost done.

He'll never have to stand up again.

Dad's thirsty; He's got a water bottle.

He's cold; Box of matches.

Now he's bored. Not anymore.

Here's a basketball.

And then I can use this dish towel to wipe the floor with you.

Because I just won the Mistle-Tony.

Um, when you see this trap, you're gonna want to shut yours.

Period. End of burn.

How's your present going, Little Drummer Gene?

Beans, beans, the tragical fruit?

The more you drum it, the more you lose?

The contest?

That we're in right now?

Mm-hmm.

Like the saying, about the beans, but with, uh, different words.

Well, I was gonna empty out these cans to make a better drum sound, but now I think I might soak these old bones in a little bean bath!

Gene, you're pulling out of the competition?

No.

I'm just taking a little siesta to clear my mind.

Tina, be a dear and get me two slices of ham to put over my eyes?

Hey, Dad, we're probably gonna head out in about, um, 30 seconds. So, just have to finish up this last order.

What do you think this says?

"Grilled cheese."

Grilled cheese. Huh.

That's weird. Wh... what?

Nah. Nothing. Never mind.

(timer dings)

It just... it says "grilled cheese" on the ticket, but maybe you thought it said "burnt toast," I don't know.

(high-pitched): Oh, my God.

Okay, Dad. We're gonna hit the road.

How we doing?

Good. We're just learning how to make grilled cheese for the first time, for some reason.

(high-pitched chuckle)

(laughs) Oh, hey, look at me!

I got a new order over here!

Uh, Henry here at the counter says he wants "the usual."

♪ ♪

(growls): "The usual."

Uh... yeah?

I'll take care of Henry's usual, Bob.

You keep burning the grilled cheese.

Oh, no, Dad, I'm gonna take care of this.

I'm gonna take care of Henry.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the burger I tried to make him when I was 14 and you put me in charge of the restaurant.

That's what I'm talking about!

Wait, what burger?

The Baby You Can Chive My Car Burger, Pop!

(nervous laugh)

Okay.

Everyone's fine.

Talking it out.

Here we go! Let's see if he's got any chives.

Probably not!

Why would he have chives in a restaurant?

That would be too much flavor!

Oh, I've got chives, buddy.

Good. You ready, Henry?

What?

Stay out of this, Henry!

Sorry.

You are not making one of your gimmick burgers in my kitchen!

Vroom. Vroom.

What is that?

It's a car sound!

That's not a car sound.

This is a car sound.

(imitates engine revving)

(imitates brakes screeching)

That's how you do it.

Oh, my God!

Al right, stop making that burguer right now!

Henry wants the tuna melt!

Isn't that right, Henry?

No, Pop.

Henry wants the Baby You Can Chive My Car Burger he never had a chance to taste because of you!

Look, uh, I don't want to cause any trouble here.

I'll just eat whatever you put in front of me.

No problem, easy breezy.

You're getting the tuna melt!

You're getting the burger, Henry!

Not if I make the tuna melt first!

Good luck!

(grunts)

Hey, don't box me out.

Hey, if you're having a hard time getting to the grill, it's not my problem.

And... hug.

No? Okay.

Dad will never walk again.

By choice.

Nor will he love either of you again.

By choice.

Guys?

Did you hear my trash talking?

You can't hurt me, Tina.

At this point, I'm more bean than Gene.

Louise: Nobody talk!

Nobody talk.

I just need to get one more on here and...

I win. I win. I win!

Oh, you might have won if I was done, but I'm not.

What could be better-y than a battery taped to the back of the chair?

Game. Set. Match.

(traps snapping, girls screaming)

No! No! No!

Uh-oh.

Hope you're happy, Tina.

Now Dad doesn't get a Christmas present.

Looks like Dad just won a bean bath with a little pee in it!

Oh, that's something.

This'll make Dad's skin look 40 again... (screams)

No! I spilled my beans!

I guess the Mistle-Tonys were a bust.

Tina, new game.

You have ten seconds to find a gift for Dad. Go!

Um... we could give him this snow globe?

It says, "Oh, snow, you didn't."

Attagirl. Wrap it up, make it look pretty.

I'd give you this big, beautiful bow, but then what would I wear?

(grunts) I threw away your garnish!

Damn it!

Order up!

Order up!

Lin, take this to Henry!

No, Linda.

Take this to Henry!

I'm not taking anything anywhere until you two make peace!

You know what you need?

Come on, people! Sing!

We can bring these guys back together!

♪ Peace, peace, peace ♪ ♪ Peace, peace... ♪

Everybody!

♪ Peace, peace... ♪ Come on. ♪ ♪ Peace, peace, pea... ♪

Yeah! ♪ Peace ♪ Yeah, yeah...

(Linda continues singing) Fine, I'll take it to Henry myself!

Then I will, too!

Get your foot out of my...

(screams) Ow!

Come on, it's Christmas!

Here you go, Henry. The usual.

Here you go, Henry. The "Baby You Can Chive My Car Burger."

♪ Peace, peace... ♪

All right, it's not working.

Uh, they both look... good?

You son of a bitch.

Take a bite.

Eat the tuna melt, Henry.

Could I just give the burger, um, a sniff?

Henry...

It's okay to smell.

(sniffing)

Oy gevalt.

Henry...

Smells good, right?

Uh, maybe-maybe just a... a quick lick?

No, not a lick.

Don't do it.

Don't lick.

Come on.

Get it all up in there, Henry.

Don't do it, Henry.

You know what? Maybe I won't.

(sighs) I knew you wouldn't do it, Henry.

Oh, my God, I have to!

Henry!

Oh...

What? I'm not chewing.

I'm just holding it in my mouth for a second.

Ha! You see that, Pop?

I'm sorry. Oh... Oh, no.

I'm swallowing.

Oh, it's so good.

I'm having another bite.

No!

(laughs)

I win!

I win! Ha!

How do you like my joke burgers now, Pop?

Okay, Junior.

You win.

Thanks for coming to my party.

Hey, everybody!

I'm covered in bean juice!

How about I run around and you all try to catch me like a pig at the state fair?

Here I go.

(panting)

Try to catch me.

No one's trying very hard!

Good night, everyone.

Merry Christmas.

Well, he's out.

More bean boy for the rest of you.

(panting)

Bob: What?!

Why is everybody looking at me?!

Bobby, easy, easy.

Dad. Dad.

Yes, Louise?

Everyone looks like they're mad at you.

Thank you.

Maybe this will cheer you up, Dad.

(sighs)

Thanks, Tina.

Open it. There's something inside.

A snow globe.

Yes.

Great. Th...

Wait, where'd you get this?

Europe.

No, the newspaper.

Where-where did you find this?

From Pop Pop's basement.

It was in his desk.

Look at him.

He's like a baby, playing with the wrapping paper. Aw.

Bobby, what is it?

It's the first review of Bob's Burgers.

My dad saved it.

Oh, my God.

That's beautiful.

Read it.

I don't think so.

Read it.

I don't want to read it.

Read it!

"Unique burgers.

Good prices.

"Service leaves something to be desired.

But worth the trip."

Hmm. Not great.

I mean, it's okay.

Oh, Bobby.

He does love you, and you drove him out of his own restaurant.

On Christmas.

(sighs)

Oh, my God.

What did I do?

I just told you.

Oh. Right.

Drive your father out on Christmas...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I heard.

Oh, my God, that's so sad.

So much for Christmas magic.

(door opens)

Pete: Put this on and come with me.

(gasps)

Wait, what?

Your dad's in my bar.

We're gonna go see him.

Go, Bobby. Go.

I-I...

The kids and I will take care of the diner. Go.

Yeah, Dad.

When a mysterious cowboy/Santa says, "Come with me," you climb on that horse and ride.

Also, free hat!

(country music playing)

Bob: I thought this was a disco.

Pete: That's Wednesdays.

Thursdays, we watch Scandal.

Tonight's Country Western line dancing.

And tomorrow's Christmas... or did you forget?

I know. I know.

Things got a little heated.

There he is.

Go talk to him.

With the hat.

Okay.

Just leave me alone.

Pop, come back to the diner.

I'm busy.

You're just sitting here.

No, I'm not.

I'm... I'm dancing.

Da... dancing?

You don't dance!

(grunting)

Whoa.

Get out there, Bob Junior.

Pop, will you please just come and talk to me?

If you want to talk to your dad, you're gonna have to boot scoot to him.

What does that mean?

What's "boot scoot"?

It looks like this. Hey-a!

Bend... bend your knees.

I'm-I'm... ow, okay.

Now shake that pudding.

What do you want?

I just want to talk to you.

You're doing it wrong.

Those aren't the steps.

Oh, my God. Really?

This is why I didn't want to work with you.

You have to control everything I do.

My cooking, my dancing...

Not everyone wants to dance exactly the same way.

Okay, bad example.

You guys are really good at this.

I'm here every Friday night.

And Thursdays.

I love Scandal.

Pop, are you...?

I'm not gay, Bob.

These guys are my friends.

They eat at my diner; I come here and dance.

Oh!

Ah, damn, missed it again.

Why'd you come over here, Bob?

To miss steps?

Look, Pops, you are who you are, and I realize now that I should just accept that.

That's right.

Be yourself, sister.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Not for leaving.

And not for starting my own restaurant.

But just for how I handled things on the day we broke up.

(dancers whoop)

I know it was your way of showing love, it's just...

I never felt like you were supportive of me.

At least, that's what I thought until I found the review you saved.

You found that, huh?

The kids did.

Not a good idea to let my kids into your basement, by the way.

Gene took a bean bath.

Well, at least somebody's having a good time tonight.

Dad, I'm sorry.

You didn't deserve to be embarrassed in front of your customers.

I did it back then and I did it again tonight.

Nope. Wrong time.

Listen, I know why you had to go.

I can be... not great to work with.

It was tough without your mom around.

You did great on your own.

She'd be very proud.

You really think...

Okay, I'm the only guy facing this way now.

So I'll turn around.

Here we go.

Gene, take this chicken noodle soup to table five.

On it!

Tina, clean up the spill by the bathroom.

Bathroom spill is my middle name.

Attagirl.

Louise, grab some napkins for the kid at the counter.

That kid's a mess!

I know.

Big Bob: Look at your family in there.

They really can sling hash when they want to.

They don't usually work this hard.

You got happy kids.

Weird, happy kids.

That's nice.

You're a good dad, Junior.

Thanks, Pops.

Let's go back inside, huh?

Yeah, let's...

(lock clicks)

(laughing)

Hey! Hey!

Kids, let us in.

Ha ha, no!

Open it!

This is our restaurant now!

It's called Chez Restauranto, and we're Brazilian barbecue!

Tina: Here.

Aw, come on, Tina!

Sorry.

Linda: All right! Christmas magic!

My Bobbies are back!

Henry: Yay!

(applause)

Big Bob: Merry Christmas, everyone.

Louise: Merry Christmas, Pop Pop!

♪ Christmas magic ♪ ♪ Christmas magic ♪ ♪ Comes every time each year, whoo! ♪ ♪ Christmas magic ♪ ♪ And all the cold hungry people ♪ ♪ Christmas magic ♪ ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ They're dying in the streets ♪

That can't be good.

♪ Christmas magic ♪ ♪ Me and my family will be warm tonight ♪ ♪ Aw, yeah, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la. ♪