The Gurman Files

[distant sirens blaring] [clattering] [gasps] Who are you? [camera shutter clicking] [screams] Commissioner Gomez, you got my message. That if I didn't come, you were gonna jump off the roof? Yeah, I got it. And as I'm sure you know, I'm required by law to check on your well-being. It was a ruse. I needed to talk. I [bleep] knew it! Jesus. Well, I had to get your attention! You don't return my calls! But don't worry. Phones about to become obsolete. I want you to have this. It's a Saturn Signal. When you need me, you just flip this switch and I'll be on my way. Where do you plug this in? The city's not payin' for this. Shh, shh, shh! There's more important things to discuss. [insects buzzing] I heard another retired model was kidnapped last night. I'm offering my services to bring in this [spitting] Silver Bush Bandit. - We are not callin' him that. - It'll stick. Regardless, I'm not interested in the League's help. Oh, you didn't hear. I've gone solo. - Yeah, finally fired you, huh? - I quit! [spits] You want me to hit the streets? [spitting] Rattle some cages? [bat screeches] Aah, I think the bugs are starting to attract birds! Aah! Birds my ass! That was a bat! Turn this [bleep] thing off! The bats are attracting larger birds of prey! [screeching] - Son of a bitch! - Don't worry, Gomez. Consider this case closed. The Silver Bush Bandit is as good as No, no! Oh, no! Aah! Holy hell! [theme music playing] [grunting] [screeches] 2x07 - The Gurman Files Robobot: Breakfast is served. All right! The canned stuff! What's the occasion? You remember that heartworm medication you refused to take? [crunches] Hey, something's crunchy in here! - Checkmate. - It's for your own good, Cooch. If you'd have been more responsible [crunches] Oh, God damn it! I don't need Lipitor! Says you. See ya! What are you lookin' at, Ranger? My soon-to-be ex-wife, Gloria's Facebook page. Bad idea. I tell my viewers to avoid Facebook at all costs after a breakup. - Oh, my word! - Exactly. Gloria has used the divorce as a chance to explore something she calls her "fetishes. " - Pretty sure it's a made-up word. - Why are you torturing yourself? Well, Gloria has refused to sign the divorce papers. Technically, I'm still a married man. So if I was to date a woman say a black woman, just picking any race out of a hat here I would be committing adultery! If that's the case, there's no rush in sortin' it out. - Get my meaning? - Not even going to try! I've tracked her location to something called Flesh Fest. And I now know more about human anatomy than a battlefield MD. Well, I mediate situations like this on my show all the time. And with Zenith still grounded - in the God's Realm, my weekend is free. - Oh, Portia, I could never Okay, let's get you packed, and I'll book our room. One king-sized bed should do it. Saturn! What are you doin' here? That food is for League members only. I'm not here for the food! Though I am absolutely eating this. I'm here to pick up my new sidekick-slash-personal assistant. I'm not sure about the tights, but my quads sure as shit are! - Courtney! - Not anymore! To me, my Ringler! Uhh! Uhh! Hah! Link the rings! Where's Portia? I wanna show her that she's datin' a superhero now, so she won't need to talk to Ranger anymore. She went to Flesh Fest, with Ranger. Oh, that that that's great. Social time's over! The Ringler's on the clock. My clock. Unless the League's interested in hiring us on a freelance basis? Saturn, you don't have to do this. You are free to return at any time. I'm not gonna work for anyone who doesn't respect me, Rex. Fine. Saturn, I respe I respe I resp You're free to return at any time. You might not know it, but you need me a lot more than I need you. Oh! Rex, can you help me pick this shit up? These photographs Where did you get these? Doin' a little pro bono work for the SCPD. Commissioner Gomez is in over his head, again. - The Silver Bush Files? - Missing models, all in their 60s. So bush as in their Oh, God! Ha! You get it. These photographs were all taken by the same photographer. One Mel Gurman. - I can't find anything on this guy. - Well, no. You wouldn't. Mel Gurman was a fashion photographer in the 1970s. His renowned Gurman Girls were considered the world's first supermodels. [flashbulbs popping] Nina, Greta, and Jan took the fashion world by storm, when their every orifice wasn't getting stormed by the insatiable Gurman. Life magazine's words, not mine. His lovers referred to Gurman as superhuman in bed. His catchphrase, "Feel the Gurm," [moaning] was a reference to his potato-shaped penis. Life's features editor really took the day off on that one, Titanium Rex: He'd leave his lovers a diamond-stitched kerchief to clean up with, custom-made for him by Frank Flava, the best goddamned kerchief maker in the '70s. - A lot of competition there? - Oh, you'd be surprised. Gurman also wore a sequined glove on one hand, ostensibly to protect his shutter finger. And now his models are missing. I'd like to ask this guy a few questions. [beeps] You're out of luck. According to public records, Gurman died in a fire in 1979. The body was never found. - Sounds suspicious. - That's why I said it that way. Where did this Gurman fellow like to hang his hat? Gurman practically lived in the trendiest club in Storm City, Studio 69. 69, the number of the feast. - Yeah, you did! - I'll need an address. 69 North Benton Way, but that was 40 years ago. - Leave the thinking to me. - Club 69, here we come! [howls] Hmm. Rex? Did you ever wear glasses? Wha! Why do you ask? No reason. Ahh, it sounds suspicious. Yeah, that's why I said it that way. Dear God! It's like we walked right into Satan's boudoir! Have these people no shame? Sexual fantasy can be very healthy, Ranger. It's nothin' to be ashamed of. - Hey? - Aah! - American Ranger, can I get a picture? - Aah! I can't be seen in this public bacchanal! I need a disguise! - Ah, this will do. - Ranger, do you know what that is? It's a mask that covers my entire face and body. - That's why I said, "Ah, this will do. " - Mmm. You want a leash for your dominatrix? - Absolutely. - A what now? 69 North Benton Way. Yeah, this is the place. "Trudcuckers?" The burger joint? Those assholes! It's just like Robobot and Rex to send me on a wild goose chase! I bet they're trying to solve this case themselves. Come on, Ringler! My, oh my. Hm. [chuckles] Taking a trip down memory lane, Rex? Or should I say, Mel Gurman? You're Mel Gurman. No! I Well Yes, I was. But I left him behind long ago. Seeing those photos, though, made me wonder if he ever left me? Gonna Gonna need you to give me just a hair more than that. Oh, it was the 1970s. Every superhero had a secret identity. You'd put on a pair of glasses and part your hair differently, and no one would recognize you. It was a real eye-opener to the stupidity of man. After a while, I grew to hate Gurman. I faked his death in a fire and never looked back, until today. We have to tell the police. No! Gurman is dead! I swore I'd never pick up a camera again. If I take a photo, I may never stop. Black Saturn: Hey, dick! That address you gave me is a Trudcuckers! What are you guys doing in here? - Uh - Hey, I know this photo. When I was younger, this was in heavy rotation in the old spank bank. Wait, is this a Gurman? Yes! This is the final Gurman Girl. As far as we know, she hasn't been kidnapped. - If we - Find her identity, we might get to her before Gurman does. Eh, maybe we shouldn't put all our eggs in that basket. Nope. Gurman's the guy. Unfortunately, this little minx always wore a Mardi Gras mask. She'll be impossible to identify. Pulling up public records on Jan Carlisle. Changed her name to Jancy Jones in 1979. Married Cartwright Cliff Wheelihan in '83. - So we're looking for - Jancy Wheeler. Mom?! [vomiting] Well, it looks like Saturn's spank bank just went bust. Oh Saturn! Jesus, you broke into my office. Thank God. I'm glad to see you're finally coming around. No, see now, I'm within my legal rights to shoot you. Ooh, wait! I know where the Silver Bush Bandit is gonna strike next! You found the last Gurman Girl? I did. And I paid a hefty price for that knowledge. Look, if you tell me who she is, then, uh Deal. Ringler? Gomez is my sidekick now. Your services are no longer needed. - Aww! - What? No! What I meant was, I won't shoot you! - What is her name? - Uh, Jancy! Jancy Wheelihan. Wait, wait, wait. Jancy Wheelihan, the socialite? Yes. Let's not get into who she's related to. Jancy Wheelihan. I had this poster above my bed in high school. Used to give it a tug to that little sex bomb day and night. Gross! Who would do something like that, not me, that's for sure. - Where are you going? - To the Wheelihan estate, my friends. She might know something, or she may be in danger. Looks like I'm back! Huh? Yeah, I'm back. And since the chance of Black Saturn catching the perp are exactly zero, we thought it would be safer if we kept an eye on you. Well, I do have to admit these kidnappings have me on edge. Especially with Cliff and Dudley at a father-son horse-choking event. [slurping] How did Saturn never know that his mother was a supermodel? I thought it might scar him to know the truth. Especially after I found my poster in his jack shack. Oh, hey, dicks. Come on, come on, where are they? What are you looking for, CJ? Ssh! Ssh! Commissioner Gomez is on his way, and I can't risk him seeing a photo of me. Oh, we don't keep those out, honey. But I have been looking for an excuse to do some spring cleaning. Oh, here we go. My baby book! - Goodbye. - Whoa! So what's this all about? I didn't want Gomez to know you're my mom. Oh! W Well, should we go ahead and make it official? Bunsen? Will you bring up the paperwork we had you prepare when CJ told us he was dropping out of high school to detail cars? What? You can make, like, $100 a car, 150 if you can sell them on the rims. [slurping] That's right, Jeremy, you've been a good boy. You may eat. - Gloria! - Excuse me? Put that leash down and come here this instant! We need to talk. I I don't know where you come from, but at Flesh Fest, we expect our gimps to speak only when spoken to. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ranger! What are you doing here? I came to remind you that until you sign these papers, you are still a married woman! - Oh, did I not sign those? - Maybe I can help. Portia Jones, host of "A Talk in the Clouds. " I don't watch much daytime TV, what with still having the use of my legs and all. Okay. Back on track? Some people put off signing divorce papers as a form of denial, but by talking about it Or by signing the damn thing right this instant Same old macho Ranger, bossin' me around. Things don't work like that in this world. If you wanna be the top, you have to prove you can bottom first. I can't understand what she's saying. This is where you come in. You know, I have 2. 3 million weekly viewers, to revisit an earlier point. I've seen your show. I force Jeremy to watch it - while I beat the bottoms of his feet. - What'd you say to me? [grunting] - You steppin'? - Name the time and the place! Oh, okay. You free, uh right [bleep] now? - Gimp-off! - A what now? Gomez: Well, thank you for agreein' to answer a few questions, Mrs. Wheelihan. And, uh, before we begin, let me say that I am a big fan of your work. Oh, please. I find it all embarrassing now. I need to know everything about Mel Gurman. - Well, our relationship was mostly sexual. - Objection! [clears throat] Sorry, sorry. Oh, what can I say? Gurman was insatiable. - Oh, no. - Gurman bounced from Gurman Girl to Gurman Girl so often that we were collectively known - as the Gurman-poline. - Okay! [chuckles] They said all that relentless pounding gave him a condition called "balanitis. " Uh, uh, uh, I hear that's a temporary condition. All I know is that he had a potato dick, and no man has been able to satisfy me since. Maybe we do move on. This one time, I woke up next to a koi pond, which our host was sure was full of fish the night before. He never did find out where they went. - But the Gurman girls knew. - Oh, God! [vomits] Mrs. Wheelihan, we're puttin' you under 24-hour police protection. - You're sweet. - Look, I hate to ask you this, but can I, uh, get a, picture with you, you know, to to show the guys back at the precinct? Of course. Cooch, would you do the honors? - Wait! I can't Mnh! - Easy, buddy. - So where's the picture come out of? - You're holding it [flash pops] - Did I do that? - Oh, turn it around, dear. - No. Cooch, if if if you - Hold it together, Rex. - "F- stop"? - Just put it on automatic. Nah, I'm just gonna crank 'em all up as high as they go. Give me that camera! Head down! Eyes up! Watch the double chin. Gomez! Shoulders back! Who's got the coke? Work for it, baby! Come on, clamp down! Blow me a kiss with your soul! - Rex? - I am not Rex! My name is Mel Gurman! - Mel Gurman? - You? [vomiting] - Hands in the air, potato dick! - Oh, Rex. Wha What What are you doing? Mel Gurman, you are under arrest. I can't believe I didn't see it. Rex was Gurman all along! I make a really ass detective! It wasn't all bad. I went through menopause five years ago. But one shoot with Gurman, and I'll be God damned if I'm not ovulating. - Mom! Stop talking! - Fine. I'll go upstairs. I need to change my underwear, take a bath, and maybe get Bunsen to bring up some koi. Damn, dude, your mom is a straight-up freak. Ringler, not now! We just found out the leader of the League is a kidnapping sex pervert. You don't honestly believe Rex is responsible for those kidnappings? You saw what happened with that camera. That was some real "Me, Myself & Irene" shit back there. Great, so either Rex is a psychopath who had sex with my mom, or he's being framed and she's still in danger. Double back real quick. Rex had sex with your mom in both those scenarios, but if option "B" is true [Jancy screaming] All: Jancy! Mommy? Mom? Mom! Look! Whoever took her left a calling card. And oh, my God, that is a shit ton of koi. [onlookers cheering] You know how this works. First sub to use their safe word loses. - Got it! - And don't worry about your reputation. Healthy adults in touch with their feelings - don't watch your dreck. - Talk to me like you She done lost her doggone mind talkin' to me like that. Ooh! So what's the play here? You pull your punches and I put on a show? - Oh, that not gonna win this bitch. - Portia, I don't feel heard. You're scaring me. Owwww! Mm. - [laughs] It tickles! - Beat that, bitch! [shrieking] Aah! Ooh! Oh, no, no, no! Aah! Oh, she means business. So do I. Portia, Portia! We need to huddle on this one! I have some grave concerns. Oh, no, no, no, no, no! [Dramatic music] Ho, ho, ho! Ooh! - Pumpernickel! - Oh, you pussy! [onlookers cheering] - Ha! - Woooo! I don't know how you did it, but you turned my Ranger into a prize gimp! Out of curiosity, what was his safe word? - That's the thing! I didn't give him one! - You bitch! I love it! Where do I sign? [flashbulbs popping] [music] Book him, boys. We caught the Silver Bush Bandit. This is the sloppiest police work I have ever seen! You have nothing on me! No, but I got Mel Gurman dead to rights! It wasn't enough to kidnap the attractive elderly women of this city, you had to leave a memento behind. The kerchief? But those were custom-made. When I faked Gurman's death, every last one of those kerchiefs went up in flames. That means These kerchiefs were made recently. And the only man working in this particular crosshatch weave is one [beeps] Frank Flava. Husband of Rita Flava. Rita Flava? That's one of the Gurman girls. We need to ask this Frank some questions. [beeps] It shouldn't be hard to find him. He sold his house last year to build a kerchief factory. [beeps] Below the Trudcuckers at 69 North Benton Way. So it really is there. I was right! Suck it, Rex! Suck on this dick! Your mother is in horrific peril. Might wanna tamp that town. Come on, let's move! Trudcuckers has kickass burgers! Okay, we're missing the point left and right here. Man: Hello. Wake up, my dear. Frank Flava? You're the guy that made Mel Gurman's jack rags. They were kerchiefs! Frank! You're my husband! I thought we were happy. Oh, yes. We were. Except whenever anyone mentioned the name Mel Gurman. Then your eyes would practically roll back into your head, as you regaled anyone who would listen to your torrid sexploits. I was supposed to take that lying down?! What are you going to do? After you are all dead and it's pinned on him, Mel Gurman will only be known as a perverted murderer with a root-shaped penis. - It was a potato. - A potato is a root! Now I've gotten the Gurman Girls back together for one last shoot, and it's gonna be hot! - Hey! - Sorry I didn't have time to ring the doorbell! - I'm calling the police aah! - No, you're not! Great work, Ringler! Robobot, how do we get downstairs? Guess I'll use my scanner, since your sidekick just inflicted massive head trauma on the one man who could tell us. [beeping] Got it! This way! I knew it! Damn it, I'm good! Hope you like suckin' dick, Rex! Hey, you know what? Let's take it easy on the dick-sucking stuff. - Smoke! - Oh, shit. That's it, girls. I am feelin' the heat. Gurman was much better at this part, too. Well, then, how about I just kill you all? Happy? Mom! Mom! Yah! - Saturn, that was amazing! - You You really thought so? - The League of Freedom? - They're the least of your worries. Because you're about to feel the Gurm an Girls. [grunting and groaning] - Aahhh! - Uhh! Damn, Saturn! Your mom kicks ass! Must be where I get it from! - Well, I guess that's it. - We are no longer husband and wife. Why didn't you sign them before? I guess I wasn't ready to be out of your life. But seeing you with your girlfriend has put me at ease. - Oh, she's not my - Shhh. Goodbye, Ranger. Goodbye Gloria. Well, Saturn, you cleared my name. I never thought I'd say this, but I couldn't have done it without you. I can't shake that hand if it's been inside my mom. Then you cannot shake this hand. And you know what? I respect that. And I respect you. - Bring it in, pal! - J Just watch the mom hand, please. Oh, right. Sorry. Storm City PD would like to humbly apologize to Titanium Rex for this unfortunate misunderstanding. And while Black Saturn undoubtably remains a tool, Titanium Rex remains a beacon of hope for all our citizens. Oh, Rex. It's so easy for you, isn't it? Always staying one step ahead of your past. Maybe it's time I gave your past a little boost. Maybe it's time they see who you really are. [music]