Hayley Smith, Seal Team Six

All clear? On my signal. Go, go, go! We gotta get out before Hayley -- - Dad? - Hayley's home! Hey, girl! What's going on? Nothing or whatever. Wait a minute. Dad's wearing his special eating pants, and mom's got Tupperware labeled "Cheesecake Warehouse. " You're going to the Cheesecake Warehouse! Ugh. Now I suppose everybody has to listen to a thing. Did you know the Cheesecake Warehouse makes $2 billion a year while their employees make minimum wage? It's not fair! Hayley, let me break this down like the great Vanessa Williams in "a diva's Christmas Carol. " Don't be so serious, there must be some mistake am I delirious or do you want a cheesecake? The Cheesecake Warehouse is the leading cause of diabetes in the state of Virginia. Hayley, you're always ranting -- "This isn't fair, that isn't fair, "children don't belong in factories, I shouldn't print out all my e-mails. " You're such a downer. Being opinionated doesn't make me a downer. Tell 'em, Jeff. Well I can't believe this. I'm used to hearing it from them, but It's not you. It's just You kinda have a frowny face, which can put people off. If you just did this That's what I'm -- Hayley's back. It's just how I look, okay? Actually, that's not true. You were the happiest little 6-year-old. Remember her beautiful smile? I had to fight the kidnappers away. Seriously? Is it really so hard to believe? I mean, am I so horrible? Is it that impossible to be around me? We made a getaway 'cause Hayley's hard to take dad put the pedal down, we're gonna eat a cheesecake Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the American race oh, boy, it's swell to say good -- good morning, U. S. A. Hey, babe, what you doing? Oh, why'd you get out your paper Facebook? Look at this. I-I'm smiling in every picture. It's weird, but I don't remember any of this. I guess 'cause drugs. "Happy Hayley"? God, what happened to me? I mean, my family's avoiding me. What if I drive you away? Babe, that'll never happen. I got nowhere else to go. Oh, happy Hayley. Those were the days. Oh, my God! How are you doing that? I'm from outer space, Jeff. I can do lots of cool shit. Here's a little sump'n sump'n I learned on Vega five. You remember happy Hayley? What? Oh, sure. Always smiling. You were a bunny-wunny. You were a sweetie-cutie- baby-honey-pie. You were tooshy-wooshy- boohjy-boohjy. And now I'm indifferent to you. Oh, I wish I could remember what it felt like to be that happy. You can. Make an appointment to see Dr. penguin for hypnotherapy. Roger, I don't want you messing around with my head. Happy Hayley at the petting zoo?! Oh, I just wanna love her forever! Is Dr. penguin available now? We can probably squeeze you in, but we don't take insurance. We don't know how. So we're at the Cheesecake Warehouse, and Charlotte comes over. We're in her section. Nice. And I said, "Charlotte, I want you to take away "this fork and knife and bring me some pork I can eat with a spoon. " She laughs and probably forgets about her blind son for a moment. But when the pork comes, oh, my God. What is it, Steve? It was stringy, tough, chewy, even. I had to ask for my knife and fork back. Charlotte had to do the walk of shame to the utensil station, and I went home with a gut full of hard pork. Yo, couldn't help but overhear. You boys in the market for some soft pork? Oh, dear. You want the perfect pork? You gotta get yourself a slow cooker. Get outta here, Tim. You're not even a real pervert. A slow cooker really makes that much of a difference? After you do a slow cook, you'll never look at pork the same way again. Whoa! Message received, buddy. Before I give you this, there's one thing to remember. The slower the cook, the better the taste. The slower the cook, the better the taste. The slower the cook the better the taste. That guy's so weird about pork. - Anyway - I'm Batman. So here's how it works. I do hypnotherapy to help people better themselves, to stop smoking or start smoking. I do both, whichever's easier. One's way easier. Anyhow, we'll use hypnotherapy to bring you back to when you were 6, and we'll find out what made you so happy. You're 6 years old again. With every swing of the watch, you go a little deeper. Happy Hayley. Hayley's still in there with Dr. penguin? How long has it been? I don't know, Mr. S. Hayley usually keeps track of how long I sit. Roger! Snap out of it! Oh, my God. I think I did it. I quit! I quit not smoking! I gotta get a ciggy! Hayley, are you all right? Daddy! Can we get ice cream? Pretty, pretty please?! Yeah, sure, if you can tell me how old you are. Silly, daddy. I'm 6! What? Roger, what did you do to her? -- Uhh! My back! It's the l-5! Must get to vicodin stash. Horsey ride! Whoa! Ride 'em, girl! Ah! This was supposed to be a fun night. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, Roger, we can't have a grown woman acting like a child. This ain't no Disney channel. 9, 10! Couch attack! Uhh! Roger, hypnotize Hayley back. Okay, okay, just let me finish this last one. Smoking's so glamorous. You're not 6 anymore. You're not 6 anymore.