Fresh Heir

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ Is violence in movies and s*x on TV ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ All the things that make us ♪ ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 12x14 ♪ Fresh Heir Original Air Date on March 23, 2014

TV Announcer: The Travel Channel presents, "Backpacking Through Europe with a Bowlegged Man in Short Shorts."

Hello. Come, let's see some beautiful sites together.

Hello, Tree. Thank you for shade.

Hello, Mountain Cat.

Thank you for controlling local rat population.

Hello, Windmill.

Thank you for the cheese ride and ball cooling.

Next week, bullet trains.

Hello...!

Hey, Dad. Are you busy?

I was thinking we could spend some time together.

Okay, are you a television set, or the lnternet?

No.

Oh, then no. No, thank you.

Are you sure?

Cause there's a three-day weekend coming up and I thought maybe you and I can finally go fishing like we've been talking about.

Aw, sorry, Chris, I can't. I got insanity practice.

(yelling hysterically)

Pinwheels! Pinwheels in my head!

Voices! Angry fish!

How's he doing? Not good.

He still thinks this is "practice" of some sort.

But you promised we'd go fishing.

Aw, Chris, I was just lying to you so you'd go away.

But, if you leave me alone now, I'll give you a billion dollars.

You've got a deal!

Peter, you know, i-it might help Chris to be able to spend some time with his father.

Well, what's in it for ol' Pete?

He's your son.

Don't you want someone to bond with.

No. I only form unspoken bonds.

(tires screech)

Pat Benatar (on radio): ♪ Hit me with your best shot ♪ Why don't you hit me with your best shot? ♪

(increases volume)

♪ ♪ Hit me with your best shot ♪

(increases volume)

♪ Fire away...

(increases volume)

♪ You come on with a "come on"... ♪

O-Okay.

I'll talk to you later. Bye.

You guys, that was my mom.

She said that Daddy broke his leg.

How?!

A-Apparently, he got hurt at the mall.

Carter, please stop doing that.

We need to get you some new corduroys.

No! None of the other boys are wearing corduroys!

I want dungarees!

You're going to get hurt doing that.

No I'm not! I'm the champ at doing this!

Ow! You jinxed me!

Aw, damn it!

Hey, call that beeping cart that carries around the fat black people.

Well, I guess Babs has her work cut out for her.

Actually, Mom can't take care of him, she's out of town doing a photo shoot for the cover of Veins Magazine.

So, are you gonna go take care of him, Mom?

I can't go. I've got to go get my hair very minutely changed and then spend the next 14 hours trying to get people to notice.

Well...?

Lois, move. You're blocking the TV.

(laughs) What do you think?

I think you're blocking the TV.

Peter, i-is there anything you want to say to me?

(sighs)

All right. Amy at work kissed me.

It is true that I did not step away, but I did not lean in.

However, in my defense, she had recently gotten her hair done differently.

I was actually thinking that maybe you could go help Daddy.

Well, not me, Mom.

Last time I was at Grandpa's, I beat him at checkers and he punched one of my hogans.

Well, what about Chris?

Wai-Wait, where is Chris?

He's upstairs in his room.

That's odd. He never misses a meal.

I-I better go check on him.

Yeah, good idea.

I better check on my hairless twin in the storm shed.

Close the door, the moonlight burns!

It's almost Christmas. It's almost Christmas.

Christmas?!

Yes. Keep being good and all the eggshells and coffee grounds will be yours.

Can I meet the family?

You've overstepped! No Christmas!

(door slams shut)

Hey, Chris. Are you okay?

Holy crap, it smells like farts in here.

Those are my farts.

Why doesn't Dad ever want to spend time with me?

Chris, come here.

Sit down.

You know I love you, right, sweetie?

Mom... not in front of my posters.

And your father loves you, too.

He just has trouble expressing his emotions.

Peter: I love Mike & Molly!

I love Mike and I also love Molly!

And I don't care who knows it!

You know, Chris, you've got a grandpa who could use your help right now.

I'm sure he'd enjoy spending time with you.

Okay... I'll give it a shot.

You're not gonna kill yourself, are you?

That would be a severe black mark on my record as a mom.

Oh, I'd have to make up stories of a severe mental illness.

Make is seem a miracle you made it this long.

I could do that.

Sucks about your leg, Grandpa.

How you been doin'?

Well, let me tell you, this is awful.

I-I'm so bored.

I can't sleep, I-I just have to lie here and wait for my stupid leg to heal.

Oh, I'm really sorry, Grandpa.

And the worst part about it, is I can't have s*x.

God! I wish there was a way I could just do it myself.

You know, just-just to be done and napping within four minutes.

Let me show you something.

That... was... amazing!

And Lynda Carter wasn't actually here?

No! That was just in your mind.

Incredible!

So-So you can do that like, wh-what, once a year or something?

No. You can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else.

Cool!

Hey, next time I want to try it with my hand.

Hey, Grandpa. What should we do now?

You wanna order a pizza?

Well, that doesn't sound very exciting.

But now you can follow your order online!

(keyboard clicking)

There it is. It's on Van Buren!

Oh. Oh. He's almost here!

Wow, he's really fast. Hey, I got an idea, let's put in two different orders and have 'em race!

(gasps) You think it'll crash the system?

Only one way to find out. (keyboard clicking)

Here's your pizza. That's $16.50.

We were playing a game with you.

That's what you are. You're a clown.

Are you gonna pay for the pizza?

Yes. Your money is in this pile of mashed potatoes.

Eat your way out. No hands.

(munching, moaning)

This is fun, Chris. I like hanging out with you.

Don't look up. You're not a part of this.

♪

It's sounding really good, Grandpa.

I know, I know.

Sorry I'm late.

Look, Jason, are you taking this seriously?

Because Chris and I take this seriously.

You know, if you're not gonna show up to rehearsal, we'll find someone else who will, all right?

We want to get some paying gigs! Sorry. Geez.

Remember, this is about writing music that means something to us!

Okay, from the top.

♪ Halls Mentho-lyptus ♪ ♪ You can feel it in your nose ♪ ♪ That's how you know it's a medicated cough drop ♪ ♪ And not just a candy.

Hey, can we play one of my songs?

No! No one wants to hear your stupid songs about nothing!

Now, let's play "I Fell in the Shower, So Maybe We Do Need That Bar."

Five, six, seven, eight!

Listen, Chris, I really want to thank you for coming to take care of me and helping me get well again.

Oh, it was no big deal. Well, it is to me, and I want to give you some money for all your time.

Come on, y-you don't have to do that.

I just like getting to spend time with my grandpa, you know?

I... Wait, wait, what?

You're... you're not gonna take the money?

No, I don't want your money.

I had fun hanging out with you.

Well, all right, then.

Hey, Grandpa, check it out.

When I make my elbow like this, it looks like women's private parts!

(laughs): Oh, Chris! You just have a way of looking at things that's delightfully fresh!

(both laughing)

We're not supposed to be doing this.

I bet we're not supposed to be doing this.

Daddy! You're all better!

That's right, pumpkin.

And I have an important announcement to make.

I have decided to change my will, and name my grandson Chris the sole heir to the Pewterschmidt fortune.

You what? What? Oh, my!

(clattering in distance)

Oh, no! My hairless twin got out!

(gunshot)

Hello, family.

Let's eat all the garbage we want.

Daddy, you're seriously leaving your entire estate to Chris?

I-I mean, what about Mom?

I promise she'll be dead before I am. I promise.

But, Grandpa, I don't even want the money.

See? This is exactly why you should get it!

So refreshing!

Well, I-I don't want it, either.

Good, 'cause you're not getting it.

Come on, what are you doing?

Listen, Carter, you take me out of your will, I'm taking you out of mine.

Peter, that wasn't your will, that was your birth certificate.

Oh, no!

(gasps)

There's no light!

There's only fire!

Look, Carter, I suppose you're entitled to do what you want, but, you know, I'm just saying, if it were me, I would give all the money to charity.

Oh, yeah? Which charity?

Well, there are just so many that do such great work.

Name just one.

Um... well, you know...

Poor... Green...

Whale... Guns...

Books?

You are such a fraud.

Why won't anyone help us?!

What the hell? I can't believe your dad's giving all his cash to Chris!

I know it's strange, but in the end it's his money, so who really cares?

Well, yeah, but...

But what?

Peter... did you marry me for my money?

Of course not, Lois, but even you can't deny it was always gonna be a huge perk.

D-Did I use that right? Perk? Yes, Peter.

Yeah, I thought so, but then it just sounded kind of weird when I said it.

It was fine. Thanks.

Anyway, I don't plan on losing out on any of that money.

So if you ask me, we got to start sucking up to Chris right away.

What? Wh-What are you talking about?

I'm talking about brownnosing Chris and getting on his good side perk.

No, that's wrong. No "perk."

Okay, my bad. But I've been counting on that money, Lois.

It's always been critical to my master plan.

What master plan?

Look, I never told you this, but... for years now, I've been planning on retiring at 45 so I can work on finding a cure for Ballzheimers disease.

Peter, are those testicles?

Wh-where did you get those?

(crying): I don't remember!

Hey, hey, there he is!

Oh, boy, hot dogs and Nintendo, huh, Chris?

Dad, what are you doing? What's going on?

(laughs)

Good one, Chris!

(laughing)

Good one! Why are you dressed like that?

I don't know. I-I just kind of felt like this is what cool people wear.

Hey, hey, Chris, how about you and me do a secret handshake that has way too many steps to remember, all right?

Okay. Shake, bump, bump, slap, pinky hook, pretend to slick your hair back, represent, bump, one spin, slap high, slap low, reverse spin, bump, explode, shake, belly rub, fake yawn, finger gun, hitchhiker, hitchhiker, shimmy shimmy sham sham, shake, shake, shake, bump, something smells and shake again.

Okay, ready?

Oh, my God, it's nighttime.

Man (on TV): We now return to the director's cut of Mission: Impossible 5, with the step stools not edited out.

You're coming with me because I'm definitely over six feet, and you're not handsome.

Hey, Chris, hey, you remember that kid you said was bullying you at school?

Well, here's his head!

(screaming)

That's not even him!

That's the deaf kid!

Oh, that was sign language.

I thought he was trying to defend himself with terrible karate.

Chris, I want to share with you a timeworn father/son tradition.

I am gonna show you a film comedy from my youth that won't hold up.

Welcome to the classic comedy, Meatballs.

Oh, that sounds great.

Is it about a pasta factory or something?

No, that's part of the joke.

Who's the guy?

That's not a guy. That's the hot chick!

Where are her boobs?

Flat with a decent face was the best we could hope for back then.

Miley Cyrus had s*x with a foam finger at, like, 6:00 p.m. Central Time.

This movie has a canoe that slowly sinks.

All right, you know what? Forget it!

I'm just gonna take my VCR, my VCR head-cleaning tape, my VCR head-cleaning spray, my head-cleaning rag, and my rewinder, and just get the hell out of here.

Man (on TV): We now return to At the Movies With Two Guys Who Watch the Films On Their iPhones.

Good evening. First off, we're going to review Paul Greengrass' Captain Phillips.

What did you think, Bill?

Well, it got off to a great start, but when it was my turn to play Words With Friends, it really took me out of it.

Well, that's a shame, because visually...

(phone whooshes) Ooh!

Announcer: When we come back, the guys will review American Hustle.

Hmm?

Hey, you guys.

Geez, Peter, you look exhausted.

Ugh, I am. I've been busting my ass for the last week trying to suck up to Chris.

To Chris? What the hell for?

Well, Carter kind of decided he's gonna leave all his money to Chris.

So, I've been trying to get on his good side.

I even cleaned his room for him the other day.

Wish I hadn't done that.

Chris, our bath is ready.

I... uh...

I don't... I don't know what to do now.

I... I don't have the parenting skills necessary to deal with this.

I say we never speak of this again.

I... I might move.

You know what? I say, good for Chris and whatever lucky girl he ends up marrying.

Yeah, or lucky guy, if he ends up being gay.

Lucky guy?

Wait a minute.

You guys just gave me an idea!

(playing tuba)

(laughs)

What's he doing up there? He's a cat!

He can't play no tuba!

No, wait!

Actually, you guys gave me two ideas!

(snoring)

Mumbling while I sleep to indicate dream content.

Chris, Chris, wake up.

I have something very important to ask you.

Chris, there comes a time when every man looks at his son and thinks, "I want to take this to the next level."

Chris Griffin... will you marry me?

What?! Is it even legal for a man to marry his son?

It is in Vermont.

As long as it's a man and a man, anything goes up there.

They're a bunch of liberal degenerates.

I don't know. It seems really weird.

I mean, aren't men supposed to marry women?

No, no, no, that's just all of human history except for the last five months.

We'll just be like best pals.

And besides, there's plenty of people who are married and don't have s*x.

Like Will Smith and that pit bull.

Why do you even want to marry me?

It's time to settle down and simplify things, like maybe having one ATM card and one bank account.

Say, yours.

Oh. I get it.

So, what do you say?

When you're married, you get to spend all your time together, doing things like playing catch and going fishing, right?

Well, the best marriages give each other space, but, yes, Chris.

Then, yes, I will marry you, Dad!

Oh, that's wonderful news!

You should know this ring is very special.

It used to belong to your mother.

Wait. What about Mom?

I'm afraid that's over, Chris.

Lois, wake up.

I need you to sign this legal document.

Huh? Wha-What is this?

It's a petition to force that hot mom to wear something appropriate at PTA meetings.

Oh, thank God.

(cans rattling, tires squeaking)

(engine revving)

No, Dad.

I don't know what normal is anymore.

So now you know my complete sexual history, Chris.

Wow. I'm surprised you got fooled by a bear in a wig.

It wasn't a wig, it was a hair system.

Well, whatever.

Why do we have all these appointments?

Wedding DJ, florist.

Because, Chris, it takes time to plan a perfect wedding.

You don't want to jump the gun.

You know, like when you respond to a text too quickly.

(whooshing)

(whooshing)

So, should we get started with your bridal registry?

Yeah, um, I'd like to furnish my kitchen as if I'm the greatest chef in the world, even though I've never cooked before.

That's what we do! Okay, great.

All right, we'll start with the nine grand in copper-bottom cookware.

Holy wack-a-zoly!

Dad! What?

Don't "what" me. You know what you did.

Hey, I may be your husband and your dad, but I'm still a man.

Yeah, we're looking to plan our post-wedding Sunday breakfast.

You know, when everyone's sick of us.

Of course.

Excellent. Do you have a table for the couple that barely made it through the weekend without breaking up?

Absolutely. Can I put them near the couple that hooked up drunk and now have to make awkward small talk until their cab to the airport arrives?

Sure. And maybe they could go next to the vastly-underdressed cousin who thinks the world revolves around him?

I have just the spot.

Will there be a physically-frail, fall-down uncle?

Indeed. And we'd like to have him walk through a maze of chair legs.

Anything else? Yes.

We did invite a black couple.

Um, even though we only met them three months ago, but we would like them to be prominently featured to let the other guests know how tolerant and wonderful we are.

I'm excited for your first dance.

And now we're ready to add music.

What's your song?

You know, I've given it a lot of thought, and I went with the most romantic song ever, "Stars And Stripes Forever" by John Philip Sousa.

♪

March! March! March! March!

Can you feel the soldiers, Chris?

So many have fallen.

And this is why they were fighting.

For a man to marry his son in a state with enough trees around that nobody can see what's going on.

(organ plays gentle melody)

It was nice of the guests at the cat funeral to stay for our wedding.

Yeah, and I bet you're especially happy we're getting married on a Thursday.

School, yuck, right?!

Welcome, friends, loved ones, and people who are waiting for the 3:00 check-in time with nothing better to do.

Just let us put our bags in there.

I'm literally gonna grab my shorts and leave.

I understand the two of you have written your own vows?

Chris, to express my love, I turn to the words of the only poet that blue collar, New England scumbags like me know: Robert Frost.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I...

I took the one less traveled."

Now, I ain't no scholar, but if that's not a metaphor for major-league butt stuff, I don't know what is.

Thank you. Chris?

Lois: Stop the wedding!

Lois! How did you find out about this?

Peter, several people have called the police about a man marrying his son.

It's not normal!

Peter? Peter Griffin?

Oh, God.

Is everyone from your past here to walk you down the aisle?!

Peter, you cannot do this!

You cannot marry your son!

I don't care how much money Daddy's left him.

Don't listen to your mother, Chris.

It's 'cause of her we have bedtimes!

Chris, come on, we're going home!

He can't make you do this.

But, Mom, I want to do this.

What?

I know he's marrying me for my money, but I don't care.

Dad and I spent more time together planning this wedding than we ever have before.

And if being married means I get to spend even more time with my dad, then it's worth it.

Wait. You knew all along I just wanted you for your money?

Yeah, Dad, I did.

Wow.

Oh, boy, I've been a real jerk.

I'm sorry, Chris.

But you know what?

I'm gonna make it up to you, starting right now.

Chris Griffin... will you be my son?

Yes, Dad.

OMG, the photographer is, like, obsessed with me.

Well, let's all go home, you guys.

I think we've had enough excitement for one day.

Yeah, and I guess I learned it's wrong to take your son to Vermont under false pretenses to try to marry him for his inheritance.

You... you should've known that.

Well, we should probably get going.

I think this adventure is over.

Peter: Interestingly, however, I did run into Chris again.

It was on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.

He was with another dad. I was with another son.

But it was nice reminiscing about old times.

For you kids watching, this is a reference to a Woody Allen movie.

He also married one of his children.