Red Fired Up

THAT 70'S SHOW

"RED FIRED UP"


 * 1) 224

Written by

Dave Schiff

Final Draft 3/15/2000

CAST

ERIC FORMAN...................TOPHER GRACE DONNA PINCIOTTI...............LAURA PREPON MICHAEL KELSO.................ASHTON KUTCHER STEVEN HYDE...................DANNY MASTERSON JACKIE BURKHART...............MILA KUNIS FEZ...........................WILMER VALDERRAMA RED FORMAN....................KURTWOOD SMITH KITTY FORMAN..................DEBRA JO RUPP LAURIE FORMAN.................LISA ROBIN KELLY EARL..........................ROBERT CLENDENIN

FADE IN:

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - MORNING (DAY1) (Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Red)

MUSIC CUE: "GIVE A LITTLE BIT" BY SUPERTRAMP

THE GANG HANGS OUT. FEZ OGLES A TOOTSIE POP.

FEZ How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a toosie pop? One... (LICK) Two-hoo. (LICK) Ah, screw it. (BITES) Ow, my tooth! Oh, why did I have to bite it?

RED COMES HALFWAY DOWN THE STAIRS.

RED Eric, if you don't want to wear your ass for a hat, you'll get up here, pronto!

RED GOES BACK UP THE STAIRS.

DONNA You better go. You know how that ass- hat screws up your hair.

THEY HEAD UPSTAIRS. HYDE SHAKES HIS HEAD.

HYDE Poor Forman, man. Working for Red. I wouldn't wish that on my enemies.

FEZ I would. Those suckas must pay!

JACKIE ENTERS FROM OUTSIDE.

KELSO (SWEETLY) Hey, Jackie.

JACKIE Save the sweet talk for the next idiot who's dumb enough to date you.

FEZ You know, Jackie, if you are in the market for a new lover, they say, once you go Fez, you never go back. (THEN) In my language that rhymes.

JACKIE Uh-huh. Where's Donna?

HYDE She's upstairs with Forman.

SHE HEADS FOR THE STAIRS. KELSO STARTS TO FOLLOW HER.

JACKIE And don't follow me, Michael. We're broken up and I mean it.

KELSO Oh, I wasn't! And thank God we're broken up, because...

JACKIE'S GONE.

KELSO Damn, I miss her!

HYDE Well, golly gee, Kelso, who wouldn't?

KELSO Oh, spare me the sarcasm, Hyde. I'm totally lonely and I'm really hurting here.

HYDE Geez, Kelso, I've seen people gut- shot who complain less than you.

FEZ What do you miss about her, Kelso? All she ever did was call you names. Heck, I can do that for you. You idiot. See?

KELSO Aw, thanks, Fez.

FEZ No problem. Fartface!

HE PATS KELSO ON THE SHOULDER AS WE:

CUT TO:

OPENING CREDITS

FADE OUT.

ACT ONE

SCENE A

FADE IN:

INT. RED'S OFFICE - MORNING (DAY 1) (Eric, Red, Earl)

ERIC PUTS BOXES ON A DOLLY. HE WHISTLES. RED WORKS AT HIS DESK.

RED You know what the great thing about whistling is? It's that you can stop whistling!

ERIC Oh. Sorry.

NOT WHISTLING, HE PUTS ANOTHER BOX ON THE DOLLY.

RED Hey, bend at the knees or else I'll--

ERIC Kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah, yeah, yeah.

RED Geez, and I didn't think you were listening. Oh, and I need you to re- sticker the clock radios. They're on sale.

ERIC Yeah, I saw the flyer. I already took care of it.

RED (IMPRESSED) Really? Well, way to take initiative.

ERIC (STUNNED) "Way to take initiative..."? What are you up to?

RED Nothing. I just think you did a god job.

ERIC Okay. But I'm watching you.

RED Stop being weird.

EARL, MIDDLE-AGED MAN IN A PRICEMART SMOCK, ENTERS.

EARL Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late, Red. My dog was hit by a car, and I had to rush him to the vet.

RED Earl, he was hit on Tuesday, too. I gotta say, that's one dumb dog.

EARL Okay, you're right. I'm sorry, Red. I know you gave me a break here, 'cause we worked at the plant together. And I appreciate it. So, I swear it's the last time.

RED Why can't you be more like Eric? He's eighteen--

ERIC Dad, I'm seventeen.

RED Hey, Eric, I'm talking here. (THEN) And he's got a better work ethic than you.

EARL Oh, no doubt there, Red. You can tell he's your son, 'cause he's just super, a real dynamo with the mop, and, uh...

RED Aw, Earl, just get to work.

EARL Oh, sure. Right after my cup of joe. I'm useless without my coffee.

EARL RUNS OUT. ERIC MUTTERS:

ERIC Then, I guess he hasn't had coffee in years, huh?

TO ERIC'S SURPRISE, RED CHUCKLES HEARTILY.

RED Hey, that's pretty funny!

ERIC Okay, what's up with you!

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE B

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY (DAY 1) (Donna, Kelso)

KELSO PLAYS BASKETBALL. DONNA CROSSES THROUGH.

DONNA Hey, Kelso. How's it going?

KELSO How's it going? Great! Just because a guy shoots hoops by himself, that doesn't mean he's lonely. No, far from it.

DONNA Okay. That's good.

SHE STARTS TO LEAVE. KELSO STOPS HER.

KELSO Hey, Donna? All this talk about being lonely kind of reminds me of me, you know?

DONNA Kelso, are you gonna get all emotional? 'Cause just 'cause I'm a girl doesn't mean that I won't totally make fun of you.

KELSO Fair enough. (THEN) I know I keep things bottled up, but under this cool exterior, there's a real sad human being.

DONNA Oh, God, Kelso, is this about Jackie?

KELSO Yes! What gave it away?

DONNA The fact that it's all you ever talk about, you stupid dillhole. Look, Kelso, get it through your head. Jackie's not coming back to you.

KELSO But why?

DONNA Because you slept with someone else!

KELSO Yeah, like a month ago, God!

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE C


 * PRE-SHOOT THURSDAY ***

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY (DAY 1) (Eric, Kelso, Hyde, Fez)

MUSIC CUE: "LIDO SHUFFLE" BY BOZ SCAGGS

A 360 SCENE.

KELSO I just realized Jackie's short. And I don't like short people. They're creepy. Always sneaking up on you. I don't even know why I was with her.

FEZ Maybe it's because she is a tiny little whore. (THEN) Oh, I meant to hurt you, but I hurt myself because I love her.

ERIC Hey, guys, I really cracked Red up today. And not by tripping, or getting wet, or vomiting--

HYDE Did you bump your head? (LAUGHS) That's good stuff.

THE CAMERA REVERSES DIRECTION.

ERIC No. I made a joke, and he got it! At work, we're like just two guys, brought together by the common goal of slashing prices on all your household needs. Plus, man, it's so fun to watch him chew out other people.

THE CAMERA REVERSES DIRECTION.

HYDE Yeah, Forman, now you know how we feel when he yells at you.

KELSO It really is hilarious. You get all bug-eyed and stuttery. (THEN, SERIOUS) Fellas, I've been thinking. There are a lot of ladies out there. And I haven't seen nearly enough of them naked.

FEZ Sometimes I am looking at naked ladies, and then I get exhausted and then I get a second wind and I am ready for more naked ladies.

ERIC Like, there's this guy at work, Earl, who's a real screw-up. And he gets my Dad pretty P.O.ed. But he deflects Red's anger from me. Earl's like a "dumbass" lighting rod.

HYDE I hear ya. I'll only work with the barely-competent. It takes the stress out of slacking off.

KELSO It feels great to be free of that midget. The world is my oyster, and I'm ready to shuck it. Nothing but hot new ladies from here on in. I'm gonna be boldly going where no man's gone before.

FLIP TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE D

INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM - EVENING (DAY 1) (Kelso, Hyde, Kitty, Laurie)

SFX: DOORBELL

HYDE LOOKS ON AS KITTY ANSWERS THE DOOR, REVEALING A DRESSED- UP KELSO, WHO HOLDS FLOWERS.

KELSO Hi, Mrs. Forman. I'm here to pick up Laurie.

KITTY No. No. You mean, Eric.

KELSO No, Laurie. Your other kid.

KITTY But, but, why?

HYDE APPROACHES KELSO.

HYDE (DISGUSTED) You're dating Laurie? That's not different, man. You're boldly going where every man's gone before.

KITTY Steven! It's not nice to be so... truthful.

LAURIE ENTERS DOWN THE STAIRS, DRESSED FOR A DATE.

LAURIE Hi, Kelso. (RE: FLOWERS) Did you buy me those?

KELSO Yep. Just like you told me.

LAURIE No, I told you roses. Come on, doofus.

LAURIE AND KELSO EXIT.

ANGLE ON: KITTY AND HYDE IN THE DOORWAY.

HYDE No offense, Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever.

KITTY LAUGHS, THEN STOPS HERSELF) That's not funny.

SHE SHUTS THE DOOR.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE E

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - EVENING (DAY 1) (Eric, Hyde, Red, Kitty)

ERIC, RED, HYDE AND KITTY EAT IN SILENCE. THEN:

ERIC Uh, y'know, speaking of work--

HYDE Wee weren't talking about work.

ERIC Work, right. Dad and I really put in some hard hours today. Didn't we, Pop?

RED Yep. (TO KITTY) Eric really busted his hump.

KITTY I'm so happy my two fellas work so well together. Hey, how's Earl doin'?

RED He's okay. But his damn dog can't go a day without getting hit by a car. At least I got one good man down there.

ERIC Right back at ya, big guy.

KITTY Well, I just think it's nice you gave Earl a job. We've known him forever.

HYDE So, this guy owes his job to Red, and he still phones it in? (IN AWE) Earl is the king!

ERIC LAUGHS.

KITTY Earl's always been a character.

ERIC Yeah. And today, he was late, and Dad said get to work, and he said, "Sorry, Red, I'm useless without my coffee," and then I said, "He must not have had coffee in years!" Right, right?

ERIC LAUGHS AGAIN.

KITTY Huh, that's cute.

ERIC And, wait, listen, that's not even my best Earl joke. Okay, ready? Knock, knock. Who's there? Not Earl! 'Cause he's late. Right? C'mon.

RED CHUCKLES A LITTLE.

RED Yeah, I'm guessin' Earl's not short for early.

RED CHUCKLES, ERIC FOLLOWS.

ERIC God one! (TO HYDE) I love this job.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

SCENE H

FADE IN:

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT (DAY 1) (Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Fez, Laurie)

MUSIC CUE: "BOOGIE NIGHTS" BY HEATWAVE

THE GANG, MINUS JACKIE SITS STARING AT LAURIE.

ERIC (SWEETLY) Hey, Laurie, could you... (HUGE) get out! Thanks.

LAURIE C'mon, Kelso, come up to my room. I need you to help me move my bookcase.

LAURIE EXITS UP THE STAIRS. KELSO STANDS.

KELSO (TO THE GUYS) That means we're gonna have sex.

HYDE Yeah, thanks for cracking that code.

ERIC Kelso, what are you doing?

FEZ They're going to have sex! Get the wax out of your ears!

ERIC You can't bring Laurie down to the basement. It's our fortress of solitude, you bonehead.

KELSO I'm sorry, but Laurie's my girlfriend and I love her.

DONNA No, you don't.

KELSO Well, I like her.

HYDE No, you don't.

KELSO I think she is okay. And the line between "love" and "okay" is pretty fine. But the line between "doing it" and "not doing it," that's not fine at all!

DONNA Just like the line between "moron" and "idiot."

KELSO Exactly. It took me months to get Jackie in the sack. But Laurie already lets me do it and, plus, I'm always hanging out over here, anyway. So, there's the convenience factor.

LAURIE (O.S.) (FURIOUS) Kelso, move it or lose it!

KELSO Why can't you guy see how great this is?

HE TEARS UP THE STAIRS.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE J

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY (DAY 2) (Donna, Jackie)

DONNA AND JACKIE HANG OUT.

DONNA Jackie, it's great to see you so happy. And strong. And over Kelso. You're like a rock. You're like a tiny little rock.

JACKIE Donna, do you have bad news? Or are you making fun of my butt?

DONNA No, your butt's fine.

JACKIE (INSULTED) Fine?!

DONNA (EXASPERATED) Glorious, whatever. Look, uh, Kelso's... dating Laurie.

JACKIE (HUGE GASP, THEN) I don't care.

DONNA Oh, come on, Jackie, how can you still have feelings for him?

JACKIE I don't have feelings for him. I just hate that bitch for making him happy.

DONNA Oh, believe me, Jackie, she will make him more miserable than you ever did.

JACKIE Oh, Donna, I'm gonna pray to God that that's true.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE K

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY (DAY 2) (Kelso, Hyde, Kitty, Laurie)

KITTY CONFRONTS LAURIE.

SPLIT SCREEN

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - SIMULTANEOUS (DAY 2) (Kelso, Hyde)

HYDE AND KELSO ON THE COUCH.

KITTY Laurie, I have to talk to you.

HYDE Kelso, we gotta confab, man.

LAURIE/KELSO (SUSPICIOUS) Okay.

KITTY Too many times, I have sat idly by and watched you make bad choices.

HYDE I've seen you screw up an awful lot. And sure, I've enjoyed it.

KITTY/HYDE But now, you've gone too far. Do you know what this is about?

LAURIE Duh. I'm not an idiot.

KELSO Nuh-uh.

KITTY Michael has some nice qualities, but...

HYDE Laurie's got great legs and a fine rack, but...

KITTY ...he's just a boy.

HYDE ...she's a major skankoid.

KITTY And you don't know where a boy like that will end up.

HYDE And you don't know where a girl like that has been.

KITTY Now, I know you want a boyfriend who's weak and easily manipulated...

HYDE Now, I know you're weak and easily manipulated...

KITTY ...but you're got to learn to think about the future.

HYDE ...but you've got to learn to think.

KITTY/HYDE 'Cause, what's convenient isn't always what's best.

KITTY If it were... I'd just throw on a muumuu and eat out of a can.

HYDE If it were... this frozen pizza wouldn't taste like monkey-butt.

LAURIE Okay. Are you done with this little lecture?

KELSO Okay. Are you done with that pizza?

KITTY/HYDE Yes. And I thik I made my point.

HYDE GIVES KELSO HIS PIZZA. KITTY AND HYDE EXIT THEIR RESPECTIVE SCENES. LAURIE SHAKES HER HEAD. KELSO TAKES A BITE OF PIZZA. WE HEAR THEIR THOUGHTS.

LAURIE (V.O.) God, I gotta get my own place.

KELSO (V.O.) This doesn't taste like monkey-butt!

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE L

INT. RED'S OFFICE - DAY (DAY 2) (Eric, Red, Earl)

RED SITS AT HIS DESK. ERIC SWEEPS.

ERIC ...and the lady didn't even know the difference between cool mint and wint-o-green, huh?

RED What a dumbass.

ERIC Right, huh? I mean, right?

EARL ENTERS.

EARL Aw, geez, Red, I'm sorry I'm late for our little meeting. My dog... uh, car... got hit by a... car. Accident, that's the word.

ERIC Eric, you need to take your break anywhere but here.

ERIC TURNS AND LEAVES.

RED Earl, you're fired.

EARL What? What did I do?

RED What did you do? I'll tell you what you did.

RESET TO:

INT. PRICEMART HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS (Eric, Red (O.S.))

ERIC LISTENS OUTSIDE THE DOOR TO A STRING OF GIBBERISH.

RED (O.S.) Ewh fupid basshod. Esh mubdkin bowed fup make mady may fif dof moodin' fafe mass mexfudes. Dew fod mup febrey may fook. (MIMICS) Mickin fickin day. Mookin fookin do! (THEN, YELLING) Marnle snorkle not!

ERIC LISTENS AND FLINCHES.

DISSOLVE TO:

ERIC, SLUMPED DOWN AGAINST THE DOOR, STILL LISTENING.

RED (O.S.) Snarkle forkle fo. Ewh fupid basshod. Esh mubdkin bowed fup make mady may fif dof moodin' fafe mass mexfudes. Dew fod mup febrey may fook. Dew fod mup febrey may fook.

THE YELLING STOPS. ERIC IS RELIEVED.

RED (O.S.) And another thing! Mucka zooka ho...

ERIC PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE M


 * PRE-SHOOT THURSDAY ***

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - EVENING (DAY 2) (Eric, Red, Kitty)

KITTY SITS AT THE TABLE. ERIC AND RED ENTER.

KITTY Hi, how was your day?

RED I had to let Earl go.

ERIC Let him go? You yelled at him until he cried.

RED Hey, what kind of man cries after only fiftenn minutes of yelling?

ERIC Well, I'm sorry, but I just don't like the way you handled Earl. He was your friend.

KITTY Eric, hush shush hush hush.

RED Work is work, Eric. You don't show up late, you don't make excuses, and you don't not work. If it wasn't "work," they wouldn't call it work. They'd call it "super-wonderful, crazy-fun time!" Or "Skippedydoo!" Aw, geez, why the hell am I even talking to you?

RED STORMS OUT.

KITTY Oh, Eric, why'd you have to upset your father?

ERIC What, I can't have my own opinion without him tearing my head off?

KITTY No, and I think at your age, you should know that by now.

ERIC Well, no, Mom, no. Uh-uh. We had such a good thing going at work, and he wrecked it. I don't think he even cares about what he did. He's mean.

KITTY Oh, you shut your porky mouth, mister. Your father was up all night tossing and turning about having to fire Earl.

ERIC Well, it just stinks, because it's the first time that we were ever, like, cool with each other. Why does he have to be such a hard ass?

KITTY Oh, come on, Eric. That's how he expresses himself. That's always how he's expressed himself. (BEAT) Your father yells at you because he cares.

ERIC Yeah, right, well, if that's true, then...

ERIC LOOKS OFF INTO SPACE. FOR EACH OF THE FOLLOWING LINES, A NEW, LITTLE, "RED" HEAD APPEARS AROUND ERIC, EVENTUALLY FILLING UP THE SCREEN.

RED Stand up straight./Stop whining./You're a dumbass./Go to your room./Get back here./You call this a report card?/Hand above the covers./I oughta smack you.

ERIC COMES OUT OF HIS REVERIE. THE HEADS DISAPPEAR.

ERIC (WRY) ...I guess I have the best dad in the world.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE P

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT (DAY 2) (Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Laurie)

ERIC, DONNA, HYDE AND FEZ ATTEMPT TO WATCH "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES." JACKIE BABBLES ON.

JACKIE You know who I hate? Laurie.

FEZ Oh, Jackie, I know you are in pain and upset, but you're not going to talk during the Hollwood Squares, are you?

JACKIE I really do hate her. No offense, Eric, but your sister's a slut.

ERIC Oh, my God, Jackie, not since the "Smokey versus Bandit" debate have you and I been so on the same page.

JACKIE Really? Thank you, Eric.

ERIC You're so welcome, Jackie.

DONNA Yeah, I think we're all on board.

JACKIE This is so great. You all hate Laurie and love me.

HYDE Right. We all hate Laurie.

FEZ (TO HYDE) Shush! (THEN, OFF TV) Oh, great, Lambchop had a joke, and I missed it!

KELSO AND LAURIE ENTER.

KELSO Hey, guys.

JACKIE (COLD) Oh, Hello, Michael.

SHE GIVES LAURIE THE EVIL EYE. LAURIE RETURNS IT.

LAURIE Kelso, as your new girlfriend, I'm really not comfortable with your old girlfriend hanging out down here.

KELSO Okay. Jackie, do you mind?

JACKIE No. I don't mind if you leave.

KELSO ISN'T SURE WHAT TO DO. HE TURNS TO LAURIE.

KELSO She's not leaving.

LAURIE Well, I'm not either.

KELSO (TO JACKIE) She's not either.

JACKIE Fine.

KELSO (TO LAURIE) Fine.

LAURIE Fine.

KELSO (TO JACKIE) Fine.

LAURIE Hey, this is my house.

JACKIE So what? Eric wants me here, don't you, Eric?

ERIC Why, yes I do!

LAURIE You better watch your back.

JACKIE You shouldn't spend so much time on yours.

KELSO Oh, burn! (THEN, TO LAURIE) Sorry, O got swept away by the super good burn, man.

LAURIE Shut up!

LAURIE AND KELSO EXIT.

FEZ Jackie, that was an excellent burn.

JACKIE Thank you, Fez.

FEZ Now, please sit next to Fez-- (TURNS TO DONNA) --Move it! And watch the Hollywood Squares.

JACKIE SITS NEXT TO HIM.

FEZ (RE: TV) Oh, look at that Paul Lynde. What a ladies' man.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

CREDIT WINDOW


 * PRE-SHOOT THURSDAY ***

FADE IN:

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - MORNING (DAY 3) (Eric, Red)

ERIC AND RED CROSS FROM THE HOUSE TO THE TOYOTA.

RED What the hell were you doing in the shower so long? You know, it wastes water and I might be late. In fact, I'm definitely not gonna be the first person there.

THEY GET IN THE CAR.

RED You know how that makes me look? Damn it, you gotta grow up and learn some responsibility.

ERIC I love you, too, Dad.

RED (BEAT) What? Stop being weird.

ERIC Thanks.

FADE OUT.

END OF SHOW