They Shoot Omega Pets, Don't They?

You want some Cooch? Don't get mad get Brad! 1x02 - "They Shoot Omega Pets, Don't They?" Omega Ted to League Command! We have found a Nazi breeding chamber. Request immediate - Ah, dammit, it's dead! - Aryan DNA spliced with insects? They're trying to create the perfect Nazi breeding machines! Trying? - I dare say they've succeeded. - Frau Mantiss! Soldier, what are you doing? - She doesn't look like a bug to me. - Oh, but I am. I've been blessed with the essence of the most voracious lover in nature, the praying mantis. All so I may drown the Earth in a sea of Aryan babies. I love babies! And drowning. Whatever you love! Son, praying mantises eat their mates! Yeah. After they bone you to the wall! Yes, but unfortunately for you I suffer from premature mastication! Mind if I cut in? Titanium Rex! I've been meaning to ask you how you escaped me at the Fuhrer's Lunar Base? If I remember, I used my tongue on your - Uh, Ted, I'll take it from here. - Ha! You're going down, Frau Mantiss! All you had to do was ask. The amount of times I will [bleep] a bug is higher than I thought. But it is not higher than one! - In that case, die! - Ha! Your blades cannot penetrate my Subtopian skin! Or heart Rex, you're the only man who can survive me. Too bad I hate you so so Eh, screw it. Oh, my god, Rex! Oh, yeah! - Frau Mantiss - Rex! Rex! - Frau Mantiss! - Rex, wake up! - Huh? Gloria? - You're on my oxygen tube. - Oh! Sorry. - What's a Frau Mantiss? Oh, my greatest mistake. Well, top 10, at least. Maybe it's time we told my husband about us? Well, why mess with a good thing? - No coffee? - I'll call you. Okay. What the hell am I doing? Which brings another chili cookoff to a depressing finish. Kip? Great stuff, Jim. Not the weather, but great stuff. A big story out of the South Pole this morning, where iconic hero Omega Ted was found dead earlier this week. - What? - A shut-in for the latter part of his life, Ted's body was recovered in his Antarctic fortress surrounded by chewed furniture and empty cans of pet food. Faster, sally boy! The nurses in the barracks used to go faster than that. Quiet! I'm getting it, I'm getting it! Ah! Haha! Not as easy as it looks. Well, my blood sugar must be low. Is Margery working today? Margery, can I get some bacon and eggs and maybe a goddamn bandage?! Guys, I have something heartbreaking to tell you. Go on, Rex. I'm listening. - Whoa! - Bad-ass! Not bad for a machine, but call me John Henry, because I'm about to Susan B. Anthony, that hurts! Guys, guys! It's Omega Ted. He meant a lot to me. Ow! Damn these fat fingers! Margery, will you bring me some bandages, too? - He was found - Can you bring me one too? And it's hard to tell with the glove, but maybe a cooler with some ice? I just need five son-of-a-bitching seconds! What are we doing now? - Did I win? - Motherfu Okay, I'm done. Sorry, Rex. That was my last try. Well? What was so important?! I lost a good friend today. A friend I hadn't spoken to in 40 years. So, maybe, everyone could be just a little more sensitive. You hadn't spoken to your good friend in 40 years? Oh, door. Hey, wait up, guys. No fair! Delivery for Titanium Rex from the estate of Theodore Omega. "I, Omega Ted, bequeath my most prized possessions to Titanium Rex, my treasured friend. " See? We were tight. Oh, shit. Omega Pets. - Aww! - Cute! Hi, team. I'm Ganky, the Omega mini-horse. And this is Chet, the Omega dog. I'm the Omega squirrel. They call me Buster Nut, 'cause I can, and I do. - Gross. - Is that a mini-horse?! Oh, Rex, you gotta let us keep 'em! No, no, no, absolutely not. Maybe we can give them back? "Will prepared by Frieberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, and Bamberg. " Well, yeah, that's gonna be airtight. Why is that? Come on. Oh, a personal note from Ted. "Rex, you are my oldest friend. I know you and the League will do the right thing. " Hoh! Read you loud and clear. - Rex, you can't! - Okay, okay, fine! - But they cannot, and will not stay here. - Oh, please, let us keep 'em! All eight of my recovery groups recommend therapy animals. - What's wrong with Cooch? - I'm more of a trigger animal. You know what's fun, Brad? Getting high. See? Rex is right. That augmented pet is a responsibility few can shoulder. I know I couldn't. All those years ago Are you going to tell a story? I was going to, but I think I'll wait. Now, step back. I don't want you catching any buckshot. - No! - You might as well do it. We've got nowhere else to go. Not since something ate most of Omega Ted. Wait, Omega Ted was eaten? Frau Mantiss. I have to go to Antarctica for a little while. Is that code for taking a dump? Just say it, Rex. Everybody poops. I should have been there for Omega Ted. The least I can do is find out who killed him. Correct. In lieu of calling him once in 40 years, - this is the least you can do. - Ugh. Wait, does that mean we can keep the Omega Pets? Oh, I call the horse. I've always wanted to ride into battle. How can I learn to be a man if I've never cared for man's best friend? I guess I've got a squirrel to eat take care of. Love. What. The. Shit? Everyone gets a pet except me?! No! No way! You snooze, you lose. This isn't fair! I hate all of you! Somebody should make sure he's okay. Yeah, that works too. I'm gonna love you, and feed you, and ride you everywhere we go. - Ooh, uh, about the riding - Yeah? Well, don't you think that'd look kinda silly with how small and adorable I am, and how you know. Oh. Maybe you could shave off a few LBs for me, huh? - You think you could do that? - Yeah, sure. Sure. Ah, there he is. That's my guy. I guess I could drop a few pounds. Is that code for taking a dump? Is there room for one more? If we're dealing with who I think we are, it is going to get hairy, and you've got a wife to think about. She's got 30 Wheel of Fortunes on the DVR. She'll be fine. Besides, being around those pets brings back painful memories - that I'd rather not discuss yet. - Yeah. Well, keep me posted. I will have a pet of my own. So swears Black Saturn Oh, holy shit! Oh, son of a bitch! Stop putting those goddamn gargoyles on the roof! Do you see how he treats me, Ranger? - We should really get going. - I know you heard me, Ranger! You can't fly away from what you saw! You certainly are a vocal organism. Are you hungry, or That is a terrible sound. Are you going to stop that any time soon? What have I done? So this is your room, huh? Where the hell's the nut gonna sleep? Oh, you know, we'll figure something out. - Maybe inside my belly. - Wait, you're gonna eat me? You're a squirrel and I'm a cat, bro. What do you want me to say? Hold up, what's that? Did you see that? Oh, come on, man! Help me catch this! This is fun! Yeah, that's right, girl. Chase that dot. Yeah, Brad, if you're gonna be riding me, you can't wear this trash. Oh, no, no, no! My mom gave me that vest I don't want you talking to her anymore, Brad. Not if we're gonna be partners. - But - Do you wanna ride me or not?! Of course, Ganky, I didn't mean I will not be seen with a fat-ass mama's boy on my back! I am a miniature horse, not an aircraft carrier! You're right, Ganky, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey, it's okay. I just got a little sore is all. You're so beautiful. Thank you, Timtuk, this is delicious. American Ranger, you have not touched your penguin skewers. And under no circumstances will I ever. Thank you. That's not insulting at all. So, who do you think did Omega Ted in? A woman from my past. One with a hinged jaw and a taste for men. Frau Mantiss? I heard you killed her in Chernobyl. I thought I did. Maybe I missed something. Perhaps you will find this narwhal soup more to your liking? I highly doubt that. Just as I suspected. Terrible. What in the world made Omega Ted build Fort Omega in this godforsaken land? Well, he has some important mission after World War II. You know, I can't even remember what it was. And then, we just lost touch. Wow. Maybe I am a bad friend. - Maybe? - What? - Let's just say I can relate to Ted. - Oh, you're not still mad about 70 years I was trapped in a time tunnel! Did you even look for me?! I'm sure that I put some feelers out. Feelers? I missed free love, quaaludes, and hot pants, and you tell me you put out feelers? Timtuk, I'm no longer hungry. - Ready my bed. - Oh. - Oh, you're sleeping over? - Chop chop! One iPhone charger. Five dollars, please. Does this thing come with a warranty? Sure. Whatever you need to tell yourself. I got customers, keep moving. Can I help you, sir? I heard you're the man to see if I'm looking for a pet with an edge! Hya! No, no, I don't sell power pets. Highly illegal. - Come on, I know you have - Stop, stop! What are you - a secret room here somewhere. - Okay, okay, stop! - The special pets are in the back. - A curtain? I should put you in touch with my secret bookshelf guy. That's okay. My penis size is satisfactory. Oh, yeah, me too, me too. I mean, I'm not gonna hurt anyone, but you'll know I'm there. - Pot-bellied pig! - No, no, no, it's not for sale. Pot-bellied murder pig very dangerous. Here, I sell you this ferret. Look, it stretches. I don't need a stretchy ferret. I need a murder pig. Absolutely not. You're not ready. Here, I give you this Alaskan snow crab. It makes invisible force field. - You'll love - Oh, crap! "Ho, if you're reading this, I've already stolen your pig. I could tell it really wanted to fight crime with me. If you report this, I'll tell people I caught you trying to lick all these animals' butt-holes. It looks like you're gonna turn around any second so I better wrap this up Oh, crap!" Forgive him, for he knows not what he's done. Come on! Are you gonna do something cool or what? Whoa, don't sneak up on me and the P-man like that. Yeah, this is my kick-ass pig. Better than any of your stupid pets. Let me know if you want to trade. I'm not going to be much for conversation, Saturn. The life of a dog owner is wearing me down. I thought you didn't need rest? I don't, but I very much need this. Chet chewed up my power cord. By my calculations, I have 12 hours to live. I can use any USB charger on my Droid. Ugh! Buckwheat? Thanks for weaponizing the pancakes, Margery! Oh, those are mine. Ganky wants me to I wants me to lose some weight. Who told you to cut your hair like a penis and dress like a munchkin? Also Ganky? He doesn't like it when I show too much skin. Whoa, watch out now, coming through. Well, it looks like someone is enjoying their pet. - Yeah, she's great. - You all heard of Ratatouille? This here's Catatouille! All right, here I go! Who wants chili? Keep your eyes peeled. If Frau Mantiss is behind this, she could be anywhere. Well, let's hope she's not hiding in a time tunnel. Could be 70 years before you find her. What a mess. Ranger, look! Well, I'll be damned. Omega Cubes. Hey, hey! Omega Ted here with another Ted Talk. Oh, that was stupid. Been a couple of months now since I've been down here for my important work. It's getting kinda lonely. Thinking of asking Mom to send some Omega Pets to keep me company, maybe. So, uh, pet ownership it's challenging. They require more time and energy than I thought they would. Rex, if you've managed to find this, I'm already dead. Please, I've willed the pets to you. You have to destroy them. Tonight, I'm making my escape. Oh, god, they're coming! Good god! Frau Mantiss didn't kill Omega Ted, his pets did! I should have shot them when I had the chance! But no! Because I was raised in a time when we drank our cocaine from a can, no one listens to me. Ranger, they're still at the mansion! We've got to warn the league! Hope they make out better than I did all those years ago And he's gone. I was really gonna tell it this time! Brad, I wanna trade pets! This one's broken. Aww, I can't just leave the team. You better watch that smart mouth, Brad. But they're my friends. I'm not making myself clear. - Oww! - Brad? - Brad? Brad, open up! - I'll be right there. Brad, why are you wearing those sunglasses? Uh, 2009. It was a great year. Your dad died. Wearing those sunglasses. Saturn, I can assure you, it was all my fault. Who's at the door, babe? Oh, hey, Saturn. Everything all right? I don't know. Take off the glasses, Brad. Don't look at him! Take them off. Alert! Alert! Well, duty calls. Let's go fight some crime. Hmm The Iron Brain is rampaging through the financial district. My boot's about to occupy Ass Street. There's pig hair in my mouth, ugh! This will be a testing ground for our new sidekicks. Also pertinent, I would suck someone's dick for a AA battery. We're both lucky I don't carry batteries. Run, citizens! Flee the Iron Brain! It is Iron Brains! You always do that, Randy. - I exist! - Give it up, Brain! The league is here! And we brought some friends. What?! Come on! Kick some ass! That'll not do, pig! That'll not do! The Iron Brain's chassis has a structural weakness in his a weakness in his I can't do this today. Sorry. Catatouille, mother [bleep]! I got this! Looks like it's just you and me, partner. You ready to ride? Oh, you mean it? Oh, my dream's coming true! You are not gonna regret this, Ganky. - Hi-ho, Brad! Away! - I wanna go home. Charge! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is going on here? - Is he crying? - He's just being a baby. Don't you embarrass me, you idiot. Hey, hey, let's keep this positive, guys. We're just bantering. This is This is how we banter. Banter? I feel like I should be calling a hotline. Oh, you guys don't know what it's like when it's just the two of us. No more defending them, Brad. They're not gonna stop abusing you until they kill you. Just like they did Omega Ted. No, that can't be true. They're sweet little animals. Are they? That's what I thought, too. Are you really gonna say something this time? You're goddamn right. They called him the Labrador of Liberty, but I called him my sidekick. He has teeth made out of pure American freedom, and a coat as gold as amber waves of grain. He would also hump my leg whenever he got excited. I used to think it was cute, but as he grew, so did his strength, and it became harder and harder to fight him off. And then it was too hard. I can still feel the warmth of his climax on my upper thigh. - Ranger - What? Hmm? I was in an abusive relationship, Brad. Just like you. Heh. Ganky's not abusive. That's ridiculous. - Brad, take the glasses off. - No, no, I Take the glasses off, Brad! - Oh! - Holy shit! - Eww! - Oh, my god, put the glasses back on. Yeah, we killed Omega Ted. And we would do it again. Keeping us in that ice box all because Titanium Rex sent Ted down there to look for that asshole! - You really did put out feelers. - In your face! All right. You had me, then you lost me. - Can we please put these pets down? - Not pets Omega Pets! Whoa there, girl. Where you going? This squirrel's making me Catatouille my own dude. Ah! Forgive me, Jewbot. I don't appear to be in any danger. Listen up, shitbiscuit! The race is over! Check your six, handsome. I think your story got Chet worked up. Get him off of me! No! Please! Help me! We may be evil brains, but domestic abuse? That we cannot stomach. Ah! Randy! Oh, god! Randy! Help! Help! He's about to blow! You get away from my friend! You came for me. I will never leave you out in the cold again. Put 'er there. Sorry, there might be dog spunk on my hand. I'm too scared to look. Watch out! Kill them! Kill them all! Ah! Oh, shit! Ow! Argh! Ah, shit! Eek! Yeah, kick ass! Yeah, laser pig! Yeah! Get some! Yeah! This is the greatest moment of my life! Where are you going? Oww! Yah! Holy shit! Ah, shit, I was just joking, you guys. Come on, Brad. Brad, baby, you're so smart and so beautiful Ah! My legs. You said you'd be responsible for him, Brad. That horse has four broken legs. You know what you have to do. - Oh, but I don't want to hurt him. - Oh, Brad, you silly little fool. You made up your mind five seconds ago. Guess it's not 2009 anymore. Ooh! Get to a hospital. - Hey, what are you doing? - I'm sorry. You're not ready. Farewell, murder pig. 'Til we meet again. You need new cord, huh? Is this from the original manufacturer? Sure. Whatever you need to tell yourself. - Have a second, Rex? - Of course. Rex, I'm sorry I ever gave you any guff. You were there when I needed you most. So thank you. And thank you for making the trip to Antarctica with me. It's good to know Frau Mantiss is gone forever. Don't mention it. I wouldn't want any friend of mine to be haunted by his past. Also, I understand you made sure my wife - was taken care of in my absence. - Hello, Rex. Ha! Gloria. Yes, yes. Well, I checked in on her from time to time. She says you filled the hole I left inside of her. Yeah Whenever she'd call your name, you would come. Heh. Ranger, you're embarrassing me. When she was down, you'd give her a mouthful. Tell her to suck it up, get back on top and ride it out! Jesus, Gloria, you you shouldn't have been so kind. You're a true friend, Titanium Rex. Come on, Ranger. It's time for dinner. Dammit, woman! It's 4:30!