Off Duty Cop

TV Show Episode Scripts >  The Looney Tunes Show  >  Season 1  >  s01e19 The Looney Tunes Show Episode Scripts

N/A - s01e19

The only thing better than a half cup of coffee? A full cup of coffee. - Come on, we're gonna be late! - Late for what? - To meet Steve St. James. - Who? Steve St. James! He was the off duty cop on the hit show Off Duty Cop. That old TV show about the detective and his butler? Chauffeur. Why would a detective have a chauffeur? Because he was Steve St. James, the detective who couldn't let justice sleep just because he was off duty, so he had a chauffeur drive him around to make justice not sleep. I need another cup of coffee. Come on, he's making an appearance at the mall. I can't. I got a doctor's appointment. What's wrong with you? Nothing. It's my yearly physical. When was the last time you got one? Never. I've never been to the doctor. I'm the picture of health. Ahh! My hip. Ooh! Ooh! What is that shooting pain? Numbness. Tingling. Cramping. Thanks for inviting me, Daffy. Isn't it funny how you're always available? No matter how last second, you never have other plans. Like you don't really have a life. Heh heh heh. Yeah, that is funny. Now, who's Steve St. James? Steve St. James. "Off Duty Cop. " Give me your phone. When are you gonna get a phone? Never. Cell phones are like doctors The calling plans are confusing, the buttons are too small. ButHuh? Just watch this. Ok, I get it. I don't need to see anymore. You're missing it. Yeah, give it to him, Steve. Does he headhunt everyone he meets? Shush. How long are these opening credits? Daffy, I get it. Give me my phone. So to answer your question, that's Steve St. James. Steve St. James! Wow! I'm your biggest fan. Well, thank you very much. Would you like a signed copy of my book? Nah, books are like cell phones and doctors Takes forever to get an appointment and I don't have insurance. Will you sign my beak? Ugh. I can't see it. Sign his face. "Leslie Hunt"? Who's she? I'm Leslie Hunt. You're Steve St. James. No, Steve St. James is a character that I played on TV. - I'm Leslie Hunt. - Who? I thought you said you were my biggest fan. I'm Steve St. James' biggest fan. And you're no Steve St. James. That's what I said. That's what I said. Ugh. I need a cup of coffee. Well, if he's not gonna be Steve St. James, then I will. But, Daffy, that's stealing. You'd make a great chauffeur. Ahh. Hello. Don't say it. - What's up, doc? - He said it. Are you ok? You seem a little jittery. Jittery? I'm not jittery. If anyone's jittery, you're jittery. I'm not jittery. Ahh. So, do I have a clean bill of health? Everything looks fine. Great. See you next year. Whoa. There is just one thing. I knew it! I knew you were hiding something. How long do I have? A year? A month? A day? Am I contagious? If I'm contagious, then those people need to know. You owe it to them! I'm highly contagious! Run for your lives! Why didn't you tell me sooner? What kind of a doctor are you? You're probably not even a real doctor. Syracuse? That's a basketball school. I was just gonna say that I think you should stop drinking coffee for a while. You have too much caffeine in your system. It's what's making you so tense. Oh. Cut out coffee. No problem. Ahem. You could probably just tape this. Oh, right. No caffeine. I'm sorry to bother you, but can I just have to tell you about a product that could change your life? Sam. This product differs from other similar products because of it's unique ingredients. I'm not interested. It's like coffee, but without the caffeine. What's like coffee? Spargle. While coffee leaves you feeling jittery, Spargle will leave you feeling rested and alert. When did you get into this racket? I needed money quick. They said they were gonna take my house. I mean, I believe in the product. Tastes weird. Those are the Spargle berries. Wow. Could this be working already? I don't know. You won't catch me drinking that stuff. - I'll take them. - How many? - All of them. - Cha-ching. I mean, it'll change your life. Where are we going, Daffy? I'm no longer, Daffy. I'm Steve St. James, Off Duty Cop. And we're going wherever justice is sleeping and needs to be woken up by me, Steve St. James, Off Duty Cop. So I just keep going straight? Pull over. No, park illegally. More illegally. Like you don't have time to play by the rules. Ahem. Aren't you forgetting something? Oh, sorry. Will you marry me? Freeze. - But he was - I know what he was doing. He was stealing your ring and beautifully placing it in this elegant box. - No, I was - Assaulting her. And that's a code 9. I'm might be off duty, but I'm not off my game. Looks like your meter's expired. Call me if you have anymore trouble, ma'am. Day or night. Well, never before 11am. And don't call after 5:00. And also, when you call, it'll be my roommate's voice on the answering machine. I don't know how to change it. Also, I don't know how to access messages. So just keep calling. Anytime. Day or night. Between 11:00 and 5:00. And not on weekends. I have so much energy. What to do? What to do? What to do? It's early, but I guess I could make dinner. Ha ha! Hmm. Now what? Oh, there's that book I always wanted to write. The end. June. I don't think that's too early to put up Christmas decorations. Merry Christmas! Well, I say that was a solid day's work. Wherever justice tried to sleep, we were there to wake it up. Good work, chauffeur. Are you sure the chauffeur doesn't have a name? Nope, just chauffeur. Why is your house covered in Christmas decorations? Isn't it always like that? Oh, hi. Hey. I hope you don't mind, I did a few things around the house. I painted the garage, I resurfaced the swimming pool. Oh, and I moved everything that was in your room into the kitchen. But if you don't like, I can move it back, no problem. I just have 3 hours left on the treadmill. But after that, I definitely can move your stuff back into your bedroom. Unless you want me to move it into the garage. I just painted it. - Are you ok? - Never better. Never, ever, ever better. Are you guys itchy? Huh. I like it. Closer to the fridge. So you're saying the chauffeur was in every episode and they never give him a name? I'll prove it to you. St. James, have your chauffeur bring the car around? He's a human being, chief. He has a name. Brandon Steel. Use it. I do every time I address him. Oh, Brandon. Thank goodness you're here. Hmm. That was a stupid episode. Have you guys seen any Spargles that still have Spargle in them? I'm all out of Spargle and I need some Spargle. You know what I mean? What is wrong with you? Nothing. There's nothing wrong with me. I got to get more Spargle. Hee hee hee! Something tells me justice is about to get a wake-up call. Where's the Spargle? He's got to have it somewhere. Where is it? I think it's here somewhere. Where's the Spargle? Where is it? What in tarnation are you doing in my house? Oh. Uh, I was just, uh, I figured I'd stop by. I saw the window was unlocked. It seemed like a great time to come over and hang out. I thought I was the only one who broke into people's houses to hang out. Say, you know what goes well with hanging out? Spargle. Do you have anymore Spargle? I could really go for some Spargle. Don't got no more. You bought it all. What?! But I really need it. I said I don't got no more. Well, you got to hook it up. I guess I could take you to my supplier. Let's go now. Fine. Let me throw on some jeans. I said now. I always knew Bugs was a criminal. Chauffeur, looks like we're going for a little drive. Hello, darlin'. You probably know me. I'm a Spargle sales representative. We have a lot of sales representatives. Heh heh heh. Yeah, well, I bet you don't have a lot that sell a month's supply in one day. See that guy over there? The one talking to that plant? I moved one of the bedrooms into the kitchen, but I think it would look better in the garage. I just painted it. Well, thanks to him, your company's about to get rich. And so am I, 'cause I get 4 cents on very can. Freeze! You're all under arrest. Daffy, do not blow this deal. My name is Steve St. James, and you're coming with me. I'm not going anywhere without my Spargle. Aah! Hey! Whoa! Uhh! Uhn. I just want my Spargle. - Put down the pen! - Put down the stapler or I'll write all over the pig's face. Why does everyone want to write on my face? - Just give my Spargle. - Put down the pen! It's permanent ink! - I said give me my Spargle. - Put it down! - Permanent! - I'm not leaving here until you give me my Spargle. - I said put it down. - It won't come off! This is a place of business. These are hard-working people who simply want to sell a quality product what in tarnation is illegal about that? You're all under arrest. What's going on here? This whole operation's a scam. These things are filled with dangerous, highly-addictive chemicals. But what about the Spargle berries? Somebody get that guy to a doctor. Am I under arrest? I'm just an innocent sales representative. That all depends. Did you know you were selling a dangerous product? Thanks for helping out. I'll take it from here. Who are you? Steve St. James, Off Duty Cop. Arrest this one, too. What did I do? You've been impersonating a cop and handcuffing people all over town. What about him? He's been impersonating a chauffeur. That's not illegal. It's pathetic, but it's not illegal. Get this guy out of my face. I'm putting you down as a witness, so I'm gonna need your name, too. Brandon Steel. I'm just gonna put chauffeur. Well, the doctor says one cup off coffee a day can't hurt. Ahem. Do you mind?