For a Few Foodstamps More

(The episode opens on Tex Tinstar being stuck in the barrel as part of a grand death trap that the Wrong Riders built in the last episode.)

Narrator: "When we last left Tex Tinstar, the Wrong Riders had bushwhacked and set him in a booby trap that meant certain death!" (The camera jump cuts to the airport, where Chafe gets booted out of a jet plane due to his stinky underwear, as the jet takes off for Hawaii.) "But, at the last minute, Tex's faithful deputy, Chafe, decided not to fly to Hawaii instead after all and returned instead to rescue Tex Tinstar!"

(The camera jump cuts back to the outside of the barn in Bonehead, where smoke leaks through the chimneys and trap door as the booby trap is set to go off. Chafe rushes inside to save Tex, but the barn explodes anyway. However, Tex's pair of boots land on the ground first. The boots pop their individual eyeballs and run around to catch their owner's feet, which they do, as Tex lands back on Earth in one piece, followed by his hat. A descending falling sound is heard.)

Tex Tinstar: "Ha! Chafe? Where are ya, Chafe?" (Chafe splats on the ground in front of Tex.) "Hey, this is no time for a siesta, partner." (He points to the right.) "We gotta go get them fellas."

(At that moment, the townsfolk of Bonehead rush up, surrounding their sheriff and deputy sheriff.)

Townsperson #1: "Did you get rid of them bushwhackers?"

Tex Tinstar: "Well now, I-"

Townsperson  #2: "Hey, the town's been plum plundered!"

(Indeed, the town has been robbed, with its wooden planks as the buildings' walls, as crows fly overhead.)

Tex Tinstar: "Well, that's what I've been-"

Townsperson #1: "He's right. The whole dad-gum, carn-sarn, plum-ding place has been pert-near cleaned out." (His tone becomes angry.) "What in blue blazes kind of lawman are you any who?!"

Tex Tinstar: "Well, see, the-" (The citizen grabs him.)

Townsperson  #1: "We gon' hide somewhere safe and leave you to face danger and protect our town, and you let them no-good scalawags run off with plum everything in sight! You don't deserve this badge, Tinstar!" (He tears off Tex's badge from his shirt.)

Townsperson #2: "Yeah, you don't deserve that hat neither!" (He grabs Tex's hat, pulls it through his head, and takes it away.)

Prosecutor: "Tarnation, he don't deserve like that neither." (He grabs Tex's boots.)

Bank Clerk: "Or them pants!" (He takes Tex's pants off, leaving a few quarters behind.)

Townsperson  #1: "Well, I may as well get this shirt." (He steals Tex's shirt.)

Townsperson  #2: "I obviously don't need them guns here." (He takes Tex's pair of pistols away.)

Townsperson  #1: "Hit the road, Tinstar! You're a disgrace!"

All Townspeople : "Grumble, mutter, and scorn."

(The townspeople abandon Tex to his misery, while one of them blows a raspberry at him before leaving. Chafe comes along with a newspaper and shows a Want Ad to Tex.)

Chafe: "Here's one: Wanted: Tall, strong, rugged hero type and smelly unwashed sidekick for tour guides at major theme park."

Tex Tinstar: (throws the newspaper away) "We're not goin' to the theme park, Chafe."

Chafe: "Huh?"

Tex Tinstar: (He stands up.) "We're goin' after those no-good doggies with the stolen goods, and justice is gonna be done. I'm gonna show those rats that Tex Tinstar ain't gonna be trifled with." (He leads Chafe to a horse corral.) "If it's the last thing I ever do, and it could be, I'm gonna get them no-good outlaws. C'mon!"

(Out of the corral, Tex rides on his horse, Here Boy, with Chafe riding in a sidecar. They stop at a gas station, where the gas attendant opens Here Boy's head and pours gas into it. Tex and Chafe ride off on their adventure. The camera irises out on them and irises in on Ian and Clem doing their dirty work)

Narrator: "Meanwhile, the Wrong Riders were having no luck getting the safe open." (Ian lets go of a rope that drops the safe on Clem's head. It lands with a metallic thud, meaning it's still in one piece. Ian looks at the safe and snaps his fingers.) "Wrongo knew the only way to get into the safe was to know the combination..." (The camera pans up to see Wrongo standing on top of a mesa and looking out for a safecracker through a telescope.) "And the only way to know the combination was to know who knew the combination which he did!" (Through the telescope, he sees a horse-drawn stagecoach traveling through the mountains. It zooms in on a safecracker, Percy Lacedaisy, riding comfortably inside the coach.) "No, he knew that Mr. Percy Lacedaisy, the examiner of the Swell Cargo Bank on his way to Bonehead, was the only person who knew the combination!"

(Wrongo closes his telescope and leans down to Clem, pointing him to the coach. Clem nods his head. The coach goes around a canyon wall and turns the other way. Clem stands there and breathes on the horses so badly that they melt. The Wrong Riders snicker evilly as Wrongo goes to the coach and opens the door. Percy holds out a female passenger to survive.)

Percy Lacedaisy: (nervously) "Heh, do what you want to the girl. Just leave me alone!"

(The passenger punches him out to the other side of the coach.)

Wrongo: "We're not after the girl, Mr. Lacedaisy. We want the combination to the Swell Cargo safe."

Percy Lacedaisy: (nervously) "Um... what combination?"

Wrongo: "Clem, jar Mr. Lacedaisy's memory."

(Clem grabs Mr. Lacedaisy by the nose and brings him away. The Wrong Riders ride off with Percy in their hands.)

Stagecoach Driver: "Let's get the Sam Hill outta here!"

(He whips the reins, causing the horses to rear up and bolt away with their carriage.)

Narrator: "And so, they did! But, no one knew the cruel trick fate had in store!"

(As Tex and Chafe charge on their steeds across the desert floor, Here Boy blows a horseshoe. Chafe and his goat, Goat, crash into Tex and Here Boy, and they all go tumbling down the cliffside of the mesa. Meanwhile, the horses are still running with their stagecoach at the top speed. Tex, Chafe, Here Boy, and Goat are still tumbling down the mountainside, as the coach nears the bend. Finally, all four heroes land on the desert floor. Tex looks up and sees the horses and coach come in their direction and crash into them with clouds of dust and flashes. The camera fades out on them and opens in on a major crash site of the whole accident surrounded by the police. The horses are knocked out again, Chafe lays unconscious on the stagecoach, and two paramedics put Goat in an ambulance. Tex apologizes to the stagecoach driver.)

Tex Tinstar: (remorseful) "Gee, I-I'm awfully sorry, mister. We just didn't know you were there."

(A large lump grows on the driver's neck.)

Stagecoach Driver: (angered) "My neck! My neck! You'll be hearin' from my lawyer!"

Narrator: "And so, with Tex and Chafe detained by the accident, the dastardly Wrong Riders rode off with Percy Lacedaisy and the stolen safe!" (The camera cuts to different shots of the Wrong Riders with Percy and the safe.) "What's gonna happen, kids? Will the Wrong Riders get away?" (The camera cuts to Tex being on trial with a judge.) "Will Tex be in traffic court?" (The camera whip-pans back to the desert, where the logo for Tex Tinstar swirls into view, sparkling brightly.) "Tune in next week for the next nerve-twisting adventure of... Tex Tinstar, the Best in the West!"

(Fade Out)