Bridget Jones's Diary

BRIDGET: It all began on New Year's Day...

in my thirty-second year of being single.

Once again, I found myself on my own...

and going to my mother's annual turkey curry buffet.

Every year, she tries to fix me up...

with some bushy-haired, middle-aged bore...

and I feared this year would be no exception.

There you are, dumpling.

BRIDGET: My mum--

a strange creature from the time...

when pickles on toothpicks...

were still the height of sophistication.

Doilies, Pam? Hello, Bridget.

Third drawer from the top, Una.

Under the mini gherkins.

By the way, the Darcys are here. They brought Mark with them.

BRIDGET: Ah, here we go.

You remember Mark.

You used to play in his paddling pool.

He's a barrister. Very well off.

No, I don't remember.

He's divorced, apparently.

His wife was Japanese. Very cruel race.

Now, what are you going to put on?

This.

MUM: Oh, don’t be silly, Bridget.

You'll never get a boyfriend...

if you look like you've wandered out of Auschwitz.

Now, run upstairs.

I've laid out something lovely on your bed.

Tsk. [Sighs]

ANDY WILLIAMS SINGING: You're just too good to be true

Can’t take my eyes off of you

BRIDGET: Great. I was wearing a carpet.

UNCLEGEOFFREY: There she is.

[Singing] My little Bridget

Hi, Uncle Geoffrey. Ha ha.

-Hmm. Had a drink? -No.

No? Come on, then.

BRIDGET: Actually, not my uncle.

Someone who insists I call him uncle...

while he gropes my ass...

and asks me the question dreaded by all Singletons.

UNCLEGEOFFREY: So...how's your love life?

Super. Thanks, Uncle G.

Still no fellow, then, eh? I don't know.

You career girls. Can't put it off forever.

UNA: Tick-tock, tick-tock.

-Hello, Dad. -Hello, darling.

How's it going?

Torture.

DAD: Your mother’s trying to fix you up with some divorcee.

Uhh.

Human-rights barrister. Pretty nasty beast, apparently.

BRIDGET: Hoo. Ding-dong.

Maybe this time Mum had got it right.

Come on. Why don’t we see if Mark fancies a gherkin?

[Whispering] Good luck.

Mark?

BRIDGET: Maybe this was the mysterious Mr. Right...

I’d been waiting my whole life to meet.

You remember Bridget.

BRIDGET: Maybe not.

She's used to run around your lawn...

with no clothes on, remember?

Uh, no, not as such.

Come and look at your gravy, Pam.

I think it's going to need sieving.

Of course it doesn't need sieving.

Just stir it, Una.

Yes, of course. I'll be right there.

Sorry. Lumpy gravy calls.

ANDY WILLIAMS SINGING: Let me love you

[Sighs]

-So...ha. -So.

You staying at your parents' for New Year?

-Yes. -Mmm.

-You? -Oh, no, no, no.

I was in London at a party last night...

so I'm afraid I'm a bit hung over.

Wish I could be lying with my head in the toilet...

Like all normal people.

[Chuckles, sighs]

New Year's resolution-- drink less.

Oh, and quit smoking. Mmm. Ha.

-Oh. -Oh. Ha.

And keep New Year's resolutions.

Oh. And, uh...

stop talking total nonsense to strangers.

In fact, stop talking, full stop.

Yes, well, perhaps it's time to eat.

Mmm.

ANDY WILLIAMS SINGING: I need you, baby

MRS. DARCY: Apparently...

she lives just 'round the corner from you.

Mother, I do not need a blind date.

Particularly not with some verbally incontinent spinster...

who smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish...

and dresses like her mother.

Yummy.

Turkey curry.

My favorite.

BRIDGET: And that was it. Right there.

Right there. That was the moment.

I suddenly realized that unless some thing changed soon...

I was going to live a life where my major relationship...

was with a bottle of wine...

and I'd finally die fat and alone...

and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs.

Orl was about to turn into Glenn Close...

in "Fatal Attraction."

JAMIEO'NEAL SINGING: All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myself

Anymore

VOICE: You have no messages.

[Guitar plays]

JAMIEO'NEAL SINGING: When I was young

I never needed anyone

And making' love was just for fun

Those days are gone

All by myself

Don'twannabe

Allbymyself

Anymore

Ohh

Ohh

Oh-oh-oh

Allbymyself

Don't wanna live...

BRIDGET:And so I made a major decision.

I had to make sure that next year...

I wouldn't end up shit-faced and listening to sad FM...

easy-listening for the over-thirties.

I decided to take control of my life...

and start a diary...

to tell the truth about Bridget Jones...

the whole truth.

Resolution number one-- ohh--

obviously wiIl lose twenty pounds.

Number two...

always put last night'spanties in the laundrybasket.

Egually important...

will find nice sensible boyfriend to go outwith...

and not continue to form romantic attachments...

to any of the following...

alcoholics, workaholics, commitment-phobics...

peeping toms,megalomaniacs...

emotional fuckwits, or perverts.

And especially will not fantasize...

about a particular person who embodies all these things.

ARETHA FRANKLINSINGING: What you want

Baby,lgot

What you need

Do you know I gotit?

BRIDGET: Unfortunately,he just happens to be my boss...

Editor-in-Chief, DanieI Cleaver.

And for various slightly unfair reasons...

relating to this year's Christmas party...

I suspect he does not fantasize about me.

BRIDGET,DRUNK, SINGING: Oh

Can'tlive

If living is without you

I can'tlive

Can't give anymore

BRIDGET: Or maybe I'm wrong.

Huh?

[Indistinct chattering]

BRIDGET:Ah.

Happy New Year, Mr. Fitzherbert.

Happy New Year, Brenda.

BRIDGET: Mr. Fitzherbert-- Tiits Pervert,more like.

Daniel's boss who stares freely atmybreasts...

withno idea who lam or what I do.

Morning. I need that "Kafka's Motorbike" release...

by  :.

BRIDGET: Perpetua-- slightly senior...

and therefore thinks she's in charge ofme.

Most of the time...

I just want to staple things to her head.

[Telephone rings]

Publicity.

JUDE:AIl I asked-- I only asked...

if he wanted to come on a mini-breakto Paris...

BRIDGET:Daily call from Jude. Best friend.

Head of investment at Brightlings Bank...

who spends most of her time...

trappedin the lady's toilet, crying over fuck wit boyfriend.

I'm too needy.

JUDE:Am I codependent?

No,you're not.

It's notyou. You're lovely.

It's Vile Richard.

Ugh. He's just a big knobhead with no knob.

Is some people's opinion of Kafka...

but they couldn't be more wrong.

This book is a searing vision...

of the wounds our century has inflicted on--

on traditional masculinity.

It's positively Vonnegut-esque.

Thank you for calling, Professor Leavis.

Guest list for launch party.

Ah.

Was that...F.R. Leavis?

Mm-hmm.

DANIEL: Wow.

Huh.

The F.R. Leavis...

who wrote "Mass Civilization and Minority Culture"?

Mm-hmm.

The F.R. Leavis who died in    ?

Amazing.

BRIDGET: Emergency summit with urban family...

for coherent discussion of career crisis.

Fuck 'em. Fuck the lot of them.

Tell them they can stick fucking Leavis...

up their fucking asses.

Good, good. That's very useful,very useful.

BRIDGET: Shazzer--journalist...

I ikes to say "fuck" alot.

And,Jude,what would you do if one of your assistants...

made a harmless little mistake like that?

I'd fire you, Bridge.

Excellent.

Is that Cleaver chap still as cute as ever?

Oh, God,yes.

Then I think a well-timed blow job's...

probably the best answer.

-SHAZZER: Ohh. -Oh,you love it.

Are you that chap that sang that song?

Yes. Yes, I am.

BRIDGET: Tom-- Eighties pop icon

who only wrote one hit record...

then retired because he found that one record...

was guite enough to get him laid...

forthe whole ofthe Nineties.

-Great song. -Thank you so much.

BRIDGET: Total poof, of course.

-More vodka? -No.

Yes. Fill her up, God damn it.

BRIDGET:Atleast now I'm in my thirties...

I can hold my drink.

[Laughter]

Ohh! Whoops.

-Mind the step. -She's fine. Drive on.

DANIEL: Apparently F.R. Leavis is coming.

Afternoon, Bridget.

PERPETUA: What do you mean you're going on holiday?

Well, what about Julia?

Does she have to go to the funeral?

[Gasps]

Listen,we got a little problem...

The only problem is the kitchen.

PERPETUA: Quite frankly, there isn'troom...

BRIDGET: Message Mr. Cleaver.

Am appalled by message.

Skirt is demonstrably neither sick nor absent.

Appalled by management's blatantly size-istattitude...

to skirt.

Suggest management sick, not skirt!

PERPETUA: That's guite ridiculous.

Ooh. Oh,lsee.

DANIEL: Hang on. Hang on.

Right. Yeah.

No, I understand that.

I understand that perfectly.

BRIDGET: Very bad start to the year.

Have been seduced by informality...

of messaging medium into flirting with office scoundrel.

Will persevere with resolution to find a nice sensible man.

Will put a stop to flirting... first thing tomorrow.

Good plan.

PRETENDERS SINGING: Don't get me wrong

DANIEL: If walking past office...

was attempt to demonstrate presence of skirt...

can only say that it has failed parlously.

Cleave.

BRIDGET: Shut up,please. I'm very busy and important.

P.S. How dare you sexually harass me...

in this impertinent manner.

DANIEL:Message Jones.

Mortified to have caused offense.

Will avoid all non-P.C. overtones in future.

Deeply apologetic.

P.S. Like your tits in that top.

I'm thinking about the fireworks

BRIDGET: Mustn'tread too much into it,no.

[Humming WeddingMarch] Dum dum dee dum

Dum dum dee dum, dum dum dee dum dum

And it all began, of course...

with some very irresponsible e-mailing...

over Bridget's non-existent skirt.

PRETENDERS SINGING:If I split like lightrefracted

I'm only off to wander

Daniel. The New York office for you.

Yeah, tell them I'll get back to them.

PRETENDERS SINGING: Once in a while

[Elevator bell dings]

[Ding]

Daniel.

Jones--

-Evening, Kenneth. -Good evening, Daniel.

[Ding]

FITZHERBERT: If you've got a moment...

I'd like a word before you leave tonight.

Yes, certainly.

[Ding]

-I'll see you in a sec. -Excellent.

-And, Brenda... -Yes?

At the "Kafka's Motorbike" thing...

I thought it might be fun if you introduce me...

before I introduce him.

Add alovely sense of occasion.

[Chuckles]

Certainly, sir.

Hmm.

Tch. Brenda, listen.

What are you doing tonight?

Actually, I'm busy.

All right. Well,that's a shame. I just, uh...

well, I thought it might be a charitable thing...

to take your skirt out for dinner...

and try and fatten it up a bit.

-Hmm. -Maybe you can come,too.

What about tomorrow?

No. Tomorrow's the launch.

Ah,yes, of course.

Possibly the worst book ever published.

Well, in the end,that's not the ad line we've gone for.

Next night?

Let's see, shall we?

["Peter Gunn" playing]

Good night, Daniel.

Right. No pressure, Bridge...

but your whole future happiness now depends on how you behave...

on this one social occasion.

Right. What should I do?

First, look gorgeous.

[Tape rips] Ohh!

Ow! Gooh!

Two--then totally ignore Daniel and suck up to famous authors.

Salman.

Salman. Salman.

Circulate.

Oozing intelligence.

Isn't it terrible about Chechnya?

Isn't it terrible about Chechnya?

Chech-nya!

Introduce people with thoughtful details...

such as, "Sheila...

"This is Daniel. Daniel,this is Sheila.

"Sheila enjoys horse-riding and comes from New Zealand.

"Daniel enjoys publishing and comes--"

All over your face?

TOM: Exactly.

Excuse me.

I'm terribly sorry to interrupt you...

when you're having dinner. It's just that--

Yes. Yes, itwas me.

Yes. Nine years ago.

No current plans to record anything else.

Thank you so much.

Oh, it's just that, ahem...

your--your chair is on my wife's coat.

[Laughter]

Your--your chair on the...

Of course it is. Of course it is.

MAN: Thank you so much. Thank you.

BRIDGET: Hmm. Major dilemma.

Ifactually do, by some terrible chance...

end up in flagrante...

surely these would be most attractive at crucial moment.

However, chances of reaching crucial moment...

greatly increase by wearing these.

Scarystomach-holding-in panties.

Very popular with grannies the world over.

Ha. Tricky. Very tricky.

["Peter Gunn" continues playing]

BRIDGET: Ladies and gentlemen...

welcome to the launch of "Kafka's Motorbike"...

"The GreatestBook ofOur Tiime"...

and here to introduce it is Mr. Tits Pervert.

Ooh, Fitzherbert, Fitzherbert, Fitzherbert.

OK, circulate, oozing intelligence.

Ignore Daniel, and be fabulous with everyone else.

I am the intellectual egual of everyone else here.

Ooh.

It's like a whole theory of short fiction...

and of the novella,you know?

And, of course,the problem...

with Martin's definition of the novella...

is that it really only applies to him.

[Laughter]

MAN: That doesn't sound like Martin.

Not. [Laughter]

RUSHDIE:I could be wrong. What do you think?

Uh...do you know...

[Inhales]

where the toilets are, huh?

BRIDGET: Stay calm. Can't get any worse.

What are you doing here?

I've been asking myself the same question.

I came with a colleague.

So how are you?

Well, apart from being very disappointed...

not to see my favorite reindeer jumper again...

I'm well.

Anyone going to introduce me?

BRIDGET:Ah, introduce people with thoughtful details.

Perpetua. Ha.

This is Mark Darcy.

Mark's a prematurely middle-aged prick...

with a cruel-racedex-wife.

Perpetua's a fat-ass old bag...

who spends her time bossing me around.

BRIDGET: Maybe not.

Anyone going to introduce me?

BRIDGET:Ah, Perpetua.

Uh,this is Mark Darcy.

Mark's a top barrister.

Oh,he comes from Garth and Underwood.

Perpetua is one of my work colleagues.

Why, Mark, I know you by reputation, of course.

Ah, Natasha.

MARK: This is Bridget Jones. Bridget, this is Natasha.

Natasha is a top attorney and specializes infamily law.

Bridgetworks in publishing...

and used toplay naked in my paddling pool.

-How odd. -Ha ha.

Perpetua, how's the house hunt going?

Disaster.

I oughtn't go into it with you.

By the by,that man is gorgeous.

Ah,yes, Mark.

Just give me time. Give me time.

[Laughs]

DANIEL: "You've written a searing vision--"

Can you remember the rest of this?

RUSHDIE: "Of the wounds our century...

"has inflicted on traditional masculinity.

"Positively Vonnegut-esgue." Obviously.

Listen,you don't know where the loos are here, do you?

Uh,yes. In the hallway.

Thanks.

[Microphone notworking]

One,two.

[Blows]

[People chattering]

Ladies and gentlemen.

L--

BRIDGET:L-ladies and...

L--

Oi!

Oi!

Sorry. The, uh...

mike's not... work--working. Ahem.

Ladies andgentlemen...

welcome to the launch of "Kafka's Motorbike"...

"The Greatest Book of OurTime."

[Mild applause]

Obviously exceptfor your books, Mr. Rushdie...

which are also very good.

And Lord Archer...

yours aren'tbad, either.

[Clears throat]Anyway...

uh, what I mean is, uh...

welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you for coming to the launch of...

one of the top thirty books of ourtime.

Anyway, at least.

Andhere to introduce it,ha...

properly, ha ha...

is, uh,the man we all call, uh...

BRIDGET'SINNER VOICE: [Whispering] Tiits Pervert.

Mr...

INNER VOICE: Tiits Pervert!

Mr...

INNER VOICE: Tiits Pervert.

Fitzherbert, uh...

because...

that is his name.

Mr. Fitzherbert.

Thankyou.

[Mild applause]

FITZHERBERT: Thankyou,Brenda.

[Sighs]

Just switch this on.

[Feedback]

[Man laughs, people chattering]

NATASHA: So how autobiographical...

is yourwork, Salman?

RUSHDIE: Youknow, it's an amazingthing...

nobody's ever asked me that guestion.

Excuse me.

Jones. Sod 'em all.

DANIEL:ltwas abrilliant...

post-modernist masterpiece of oratorical fireworks, really.

Uhh.

You're looking very sexy,Jones.

I think I'm gonna have to take you outto dinner now...

whetheryou like it or not, OK?

Come on, getyour stuff.

[Sighs]

So how do youfeel about this whole situation...

in Chechnya? lsn't it a nightmare?

I couldn't give afuck,Jones.

Now, look, how do you know Arsey Darcy?

Apparently, I used to run 'round naked...

in his paddling pool.

I betyou did,you dirty bitch.

What aboutyou?

Same. Yeah.

No, no, I was best man at his wedding.

Um, knew himfrom Cambridge.

He was a mate.

And then what?

And then, uh...nothing.

You don't need to protect him. He's nofriend of mine.

Well, um,then...

many years later...

I made the somewhat catastrophic mistake...

of introducing him to myfiancee.

And, um...

I couldn't say, in all honesty, I've ever quite forgiven him.

God, so...

he's a nasty bastard.

And a dull bastard.

Yes. Yes, I think that'sfair.

Anyway,fuck him. Listen, don't let him ruin our evening.

Why don'tyou have some more wine...

and tell me more about practicing French-kissing...

with the other girls at school...

because that's a very good story.

-Itwasn't French-kissing. -Don't care. Make it up.

That's an order,Jones.

DANIEL: So, um, how about a drink at my place?

Totally innocent, no funny business...

justfull sex.

No, no, no.

I should get a taxi.

But thank you for the lovely dinner.

It's a pleasure,Jones.

ROSEYSINGING: Oh, love

Love,love

Oh

Ooh

You're alone

All the time

Does iteverpuzzle you

Have you asked why you seem

To fallin love

And out again

Do you really ever love

Or just pretend

Oh,baby

Why fool yourself?

Don't be afraid to help yourself

DANIEL:Now these are very silly little boots,Jones.

And this is a very silly little dress.

And, um...

these are, uh...

fuck me, absolutely enormous panties.

Jesus. Fuck.

No, no, don't apologize. I like them.

Hello, Mummy.

ROSEYSINGING:Love

I'm sorry, I have to have another look.

-They're too good to be true. -No.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

I'm wearing something quite similar myself.

-Here, I'll show you. -No. No.

ROSEYSINGING: This time decide

Thatyou willopen up

Letit in

There's no shame insharin'love

You feel within

So jump rightin

Head over heels

And fall rightin

Ha. Huh.

That was fantastic.

Ohh. Mmm.

Ay, ay.

BRIDGET: Ohh. Daniel.

Yeah?

Whathappens atthe office?

Oh. Well, I'm glad you asked that.

You see, it's a publishing house.

So that means that people write thingsfor us...

and then we print out all the pages...

andfasten them together...

and make them into what we call a book,Jones.

No, do you think people will notice?

Notice what?

Us. Working together, sleeping together.

Hang on a minute,Jones.

Just slow down. It started on Tuesday...

and now it's Thursday.

It's notexactly...

um, a long-term relationship, is it?

You're very bad.

[Telephone rings]

[Ring ring]

Ohh.

[Ring ring]

Mmm.

BridgetJones, wanton sex goddess...

with a very bad man between herthighs.

Mum. Hi.

BRIDGET: It's the truth universally acknowledged...

that the moment one area of your life starts going OK...

another part of it falls spectacularly to pieces.

PAMELA:Ah, anyone else want to have it off?

Haha. Don't be shy,madame.

French. Have it oeuf. Ha ha! With the wisecrack eggpeeler.

Now, nice firm grip.

Put it in the hole. And...

up, down, up, down.

And off it comes in your hand.

Oh! Mind the over-spray. Sorry.

Darling, if I came in with my knickers on my head...

he wouldn't notice.

I spent thirty-five years cleaning his house...

washing his clothes, bringing up his children.

I'm your child,too.

To be honest, darling, having children...

isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Given my chance again, I'm not sure I'd have any.

MUM:And now it's the winter of my life...

and I haven't actually got anything of my own.

I've got no power, no real career...

no--no sex life.

I've got no life at all.

I'm like the grasshopper who sang all summer.

I'm like Germaine sodding Geer.

Greer.

Well, anyway, I'm not having it. And I've been talent spotted.

Julian thinks I've got great potential.

Who's Julian?

From the Home Shopping Channel.

Comes into the store to have his colors done.

Potentialforwhat?

As a demonstrator on his cable show.

You know, his assistant.

Apparently, it's the highest- rated show on the channel.

Well, apart from the one...

where the fat people beat up their relatives.

Ooh! I must wiz.

-Have you heard from Mark Darcy? -Good-bye, Mum.

THEDRAMATICS SINGING: Mrs.

Mrs. Jones

MUM: Julian.

Sorry to keepyou waiting.

THEDRAMATICS SINGING: Goin' on andon andon andon

BRIDGET:And a few weeks later, it got lots worse.

Hello!

Look at this.

JULIAN: Paying off this heart-shaped pendant.

One of my own personal recommendations...

is this absolutely stunning...

matching necklace and earring set.

JULIAN: The earrings measuring just over a centimeter...

in genuine diamante with two pairs in lapis lazuli...

in a lovely mock-gold finish.

JULIAN: The exact replica of those worn at Wimbledon...

in     by Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Kent.

[Turns off sound]

Well.

Has she actually moved outthen?

Apparently, she and this tangerine-tinted buffoon...

are suddenly an item.

Half our friends have had them around to bloody dinner.

DAD: She's even taking Jaundice Julian...

to Una Alconbury's Tarts and Vicars party.

That's notthe Pamela I knew. That's cruel.

BRIDGET: Well,still, could be a golden opportunity.

If you spent the entire party flirting with other women...

it would drive Mum wild with jealousy.

DAD: What?

BRIDGET: That's how I got my man.

Have you got a boyfriend? A real one?

I have, Father. I have.

And he's perfect.

[Car horn honking]

[Revs engine]

BRIDGET:Hurrah. Am no longer tragic spinster...

but proper girlfriend of bonafide sexgod...

so committed that he's taking me...

on a full-blown mini-break holiday weekend.

DANIEL: Just promise me we don't have to sit...

in any little boats and read poncey poetry to each other.

BRIDGET:He's also protecting me at Uncle Geoffrey's...

hideous Tarts and Vicars fancy dressparty.

This can't be just shagging.

A mini-breakmeans true love.

Suddenly feel like screen goddess...

in manner of Grace Kelly.

Though perhaps ever so slightly less elegant under pressure.

It's very quiet here, isn't it? Are we the only guests, or...

We have a wedding this weekend.

I believe there are just four of you not involved.

Oh. Hmm.

NATASHA: You do the boats, I'll do the tea.

Oh,Jesus.

-Hello there. -Hi.

MARK: Well,well.

I take it you're also heading for the Alconbury's rockery.

Yes,that's right.

I brought Natasha. Get a bit of work done.

Thought I might make it a not entirely wasted weekend.

How interesting.

What a gripping life you do lead.

DANIEL:l'll see you upstairs in a second.

Hmm. Well,the weakness of their case...

Iies in the deposition they made on August.

BRIDGET: Season of mist...

and...

mellow fruitlessness.

Oh,fuck me, I love Keats.

Have you heard this one?

"There was a young woman from Ealing...

"who had a peculiar feeling.

"She lay on her back and opened her crack...

"and pissed all over the ceiling."

[Bang] Oh, bollocks.

BRIDGET: What've you done?

-I'm boarding you, Bridge. -Don't you dare!

-I'm king of the world! -No!

Fuck me. Uhh!

BRIDGET: Aah!

[Bridget laughs]

DANIEL: Oh,piss and bollocks.

You stupid ass.

[Laughing]

Bollocks.

All right.

Aah! No!

So childish.

BRIDGET:Aah!No!

Yes.

DANIEL: Hey,Darce, come on in!

The water's lovely!

Come on, you're working too hard,mate.

Ha ha!

-Daniel. -Yes, Bridget?

That thing you just did is actually illegal...

in several countries.

Well,that is, of course, the major reason...

I'm so thrilled to be living in Britain today.

Yes. I can't understand...

why the Prime Minister doesn't mention it more...

in his speeches.

You should write to him about it.

BRIDGET:lintendto.

Daniel.

DANIEL:Bridget.

-Do you love me? -Shut up, or I'll do it again.

Do you love me?

Right. You asked for it.

DANIEL:And over we go.

I'm going to give you something to bite on.

Here.

OK?Pop this in your mouth, darling.

[Bridget laughs]

You're begging for it.

[Bridget laughs]

BRIDGET: Stop it.

[Laughs]

No,no.

Hmm.

I got to go back to town. A meeting's come up.

On a Sunday?

DANIEL:No. The meeting's first thing tomorrow.

I've got to work on some figures.

We could just pop into the party for a minute.

DANIEL:Bridget, I'm really sorry.

I just can'tdo it. I've got to headback.

Listen, Daniel...

if you've changed your mind, you could just say so...

because, honestly, I don't see what could be so important.

No,well,you wouldn't, would you?

Because you don't have the faintest bloody idea...

of just how much trouble the company's in.

You swan in in your short skirt...

and your sexy see-through blouse...

and fanny around with press releases.

You know, this is the Americans flying in...

because they're thinking of shutting us down...

for fuck's sake.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, Bridge. I know I'm being a prat.

Look, I'm going to arrange a lovely car...

to come and pick you up and take you back...

to London after the party, OK?

If you have to travel alone, travel in style.

Hmm.

And, um...

I also think it's very important...

that you win this costume competition.

Good.

Good start.

Now,then, Miss Jones, where does this go?

BRIDGET: Oh, well,here we go.

Trying hard to fight off a vision...

of Mum and Auntie Una in fishnet tights.

Seems unnatural, wrong even, for -year-olds to dress up...

as prostitutes and priests on a Sunday afternoon.

[People chattering]

[Laughter]

JULIELONDONSINGING: Fly me to the moon

BRIDGET: Oh,holy Jesus.

Bridget.

Where are all the other tarts and vicars?

UNA: Oh, dear. Didn't Geoffrey call you?

Didn't you telephone Colin and Bridget?

How's my little Bridget?

GEOFFREY:Bop,bop.

Oh.

Geoffrey.

So,where's this chap of yours,then, eh?

Ah,yes,well, he had to work, so...

Ha! A likely tale.

Off they run. Whee!

[Laughs weakly]

JULIELONDONSINGING: You are all long for

Bizarre what some men find attractive.

Oh, God.

MUM:Darling! Geoffrey!

What on earth are you wearing?

You look like a common prostitute.

Yes,well,thatwas, actually,the point.

Say hi to Julian.

Hello,Julian.

My dear...

you and your mother could be sisters.

JULIAN: And what a lovely bracelet.

It's what I call an all-arounder--

the sort of thing one can wear with anything to any occasion.

Oh.

Have you spoken to my dad?

Yes. He's behaving most bizarrely.

I think he was actually trying toflirt...

with Penny Husbands-Bosworth, poorthing.

She was veryfrightened.

She's only just had her ovaries done.

I don't know what you ever saw in him.

Shh. Bad man. [Both laugh]

[Breathes deeply]

[Footsteps]

Heh heh.

Didn'ttell you, either.

[Laughs]

No. I didn't spend as much as Bernard,thank God.

BRIDGET: Oh.

I'm sorry, Dad.

The way she looked at me.

Well, she loves you, really.

You love each other.

This is only a temporary glitch.

Is it?

I don't know.

DAD:ldon'tknow.

UNA: Ah, Bridget,there you are.

Don'tworry. You're notthe only one.

This is Penny. Geoffrey didn't get in touch with her, either.

I'm sorry?

I was just saying Geoffrey didn't contact you, either...

to tell you that the Tarts and Vicars concept...

had gone out of the window.

Oh,yes, he did.

Oh, right.

Lovely dress.

Very exotic.

What a shame you couldn't bring your boyfriend, Bridget.

What's his name? David? Darren?

MARK: Daniel Cleaver.

Oh. Is he a friend of yours, Mark?

Absolutely not.

I hope he's good enough for our little Bridget.

I think I can say with total confidence absolutely not.

Well, I'm sure he'd say the same aboutyou...

given your past behavior.

Sorry?

I thinkyou know what I mean.

Mark.

BRIDGET: Hmm. Looks like Auntie Shirley...

didn't get the message, either.

[Doorbell rings]

Hi.

I really, really wanted to see a friendly face.

Oh, now, listen, I'll tell you what.

I have an idea. Let me finish this...

while you go home, have a long hot bath...

and I'll call round, and we'll have dinner later, OK?

[Door closes]

Is there someone here?

Notthat I'm aware of.

Unless that Bosnian family has moved in again.

Bastards.

[Laughs] Oh.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

I'm going mad.

Listen, I am feeling really bad, actually.

-I should've been there today. -No, I'm sorry.

No, no, I'm sorry...

but at least I got a hell of a lot of work done.

Just give me one more hour, OK?

Fine. That'sfine.

I will go home and de-bunny.

Oh...

and you know last night when I said that I loved you?

Mm-hmm.

I didn't mean it.

I was being ironic.

Oh, God,yeah, I know, I know.

All right.

-Thankyou, madam. -Mmm.

[Drops bag]

Bridge.

Bridget.

This is Lara from the New York office.

Lara,this is Bridget.

Hey,there.

LARA: I thoughtyou said she was thin.

ALEX:l was hoping that you would want to be a part of it.

[Bridget sniffles]

DAN: This is totally insane.

I'm  years old. It may be my last chance to have a child.

Alex.

Aah!

NARRATOR: The male penetrates the female and leaves.

Coitus is brief and perfunctory...

and the female...

[Continues indistinctly]

That's wonderful.

DANIEL: Well,I don't think it's bad.

DANIEL:Right.

BRIDGET: We've had very good response...

to the Teddy Knows Best teaser campaign

and had various local radio bitsfor--

Look, Bridge, stopthat.

DANIEL:I feel...terrible.

The thing is...

with Lara and me...

well, you know...

No. You'll have to fill me in.

Well,the truth is...

the truth is,we're the same, Bridge,you and me.

You know? We're two people of a certain age...

Iooking for the moment to commit and finding it really hard.

And I just think that in the end...

it's gotto be something extraordinary...

something which makes us go that extra mile.

And I think...

Lara and--

I don'tknow, being American and all...

it has something to do with confidence and being so...

well,young,you know?

Well,we've...become very close.

Well,you've only just met her. She flew in yesterday.

Uh...

Oh.

Silly Bridget.

You haven't only just met her.

DANIEL:No.

No. I got to know her pretty well...

when we were in the New York office together.

Oh.

Oh,fuck.

There's no easy way to say this,but, um...

I wanted you to be thefirst to know that...

we're engaged.

BRIDGET: At times like this...

continuing with one's life seems impossible...

and eating the entire contents of one's fridge...

seems inevitable.

Ihave two choices--

to give up and accept permanent state of spinster hood...

and eventual eating by dogs... or not.

[Sighs]

And this time, I choose not.

I will not be defeated...

by a bad man and an American stick insect.

Instead,I choose vodka...

and Chaka Khan.

[Disco music playing]

CHAKA KHANSINGING: I'm every woman

It's allinme

Anything you want done,baby

I'll do it naturally

Mmm

I'm every woman

It's all in me

I can be the most right now

Every girl from A to Z

Whoa, whoa, whoa

Whoa, whoa, whoa

Whoa

Ahh.

Ohh!

CHAKA KAHNSINGING: I can cast a spell

Fuck.

CHAKA KAHNSINGING: Of secrets you can't tell

Mix a special groove

Put fire inside of you

Any time you feel danger...

Why do you want to be in television?

Well, I've realized that I've become deeply committed...

to communicating to the public...

the up-to-the-moment and in-depth news...

both political and ecological.

What do you think of the EI Nino phenomenon?

BRIDGET: Um...it's ablip.

I think, basically, Latin music is on its way out.

So,why do you want to work in television?

Because I'm passionately committed...

to communicating with children.

They are thefuture.

Do you have any children of your own?

Oh, Christ, no. Yuck!

[Laughs]

BRIDGET:Ah.

Sorry.

MAN: So, why do you want to work in television?

I've gotto leave my currentjob because I've shagged my boss.

Fair enough. Start on Monday.

We'll see how we go.

Oh, and...

incidentally...

at "Sit Up, Britain"...

no one ever gets sacked for shagging the boss.

That's a matter of principle.

Oh, Bridget.

Come on, it's...

I mean, I know it's been awkward as ass...

but there's no need to leave.

No, actually,there is.

I've been offered a job in television.

Television?

Mmm. And they want me to start straightaway.

So I've gotto leave in about, ooh,three minutes...

so, um...

Whoa. Just hold it right there, Miss Jones.

I'm sorry to inform you...

but I think you'll find that by contract...

you're expected to give at least six weeks notice.

BRIDGET:Ah, yes, well...

I thought with the company being in so much trouble and all...

you wouldn't really miss...

the person who waltzes in in a see-through top...

and fannies about with the press releases.

Bridget.

I want to hear this, because if she gives one inch...

I'm going to fire her bony little bottom anyway...

for being totally spineless.

What?

Well, I just think you should know that, um...

there are lots of prospects here for a talented person.

Just give me a minute, will you, Simon? Thanks.

Right-o, boss man.

Lots of prospects for a person who...

you know, perhaps for personal reasons...

has been slightly overlooked professionally.

Thankyou, Daniel. That is very good to know...

but if staying here...

means working within   yards of you...

frankly, I'd rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein's ass.

ARETHA FRANKLINSINGING: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Findout what it means to me

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Takin' care ofT.C.B

Sock it to me, sock it to me

Sock it to me, sock it to me

Well, bye, everyone.

[Singing] Just a little bit

Just a little bit

I get tired

But keep on tryin'

You're runnin' out of fools

[Song stops]

Oh,just sod off.

HOST: Hello and welcome to "Sit Up, Britain."

OK, everybody, it is bonfire night...

and we are onfire.

RICHARD: We have live fire stationfeeds...

from Newcastle, Swansea, Sheffield, andLewisham...

just poised for tragedy.

BridgetJones,where are you?

I'm here, Richard.

Put on some more makeup. I want you on-camera.

But--

RICHARD: I'm thinking...miniskirt.

I'm thinking fireman's helmet.

I want you pointing a hose.

I want you sliding down the pole...

and then go straight into the interview.

Great.

I'll do it.

No problem. Fine. Right.

So,you drop into shot...

and then interview ChiefFireman Bevan.

Yep, yep, yep.

Go, go. Go, go. Go!

Go?

NEVILLE: Oh,no. We're going to Newcastle first.

Stop!

Climb back up.

On you in thirty seconds.

OK.

[Grunts]

RICHARD:Neville, what the fuck is going on?

She's supposed to be sliding down the pole...

-not climbing up it. -Go, go, go, go, go!

Oh, OK.

-Oh! -Oh,Jesus Christ.

Uhh! Uhh!

OK,we're out of time. We're out of time.

RICHARD:Just wind'er up.

Well,that seems to be about all we've got time for...

down here in Lewisham.

Uh, Chief Officer Bevan, thankyou very much.

Excellent fire station.

BRIDGET: Uh, and now...

backto the studio.

BRIDGET: Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

BRIDGET: Excellent. I'm a national laughing stock.

Have bottom the size of Brazil.

Am daughter of broken home...

andrubbish at every thing and...

oh, God.

I'm having dinner with Magda andJ eremy.

The only thing worse than a smug married couple--

Iots of smug married couples.

Right, everyone. This is Bridget.

Bridge,this is Hugo and Jane.

MAGDA:And, obviously, you know, of course...

Cosmo and Woney.

-Hi, Bridge. -Hi, Bridge.

MAGDA: This is Alistair and Henrietta...

Julia and Michael...

Joanne and Paul...

and Jeremy's partners from chambers.

This is Natasha Glenville and Mark Darcy.

Hi,there.

Hello.

Not in your bunny girl outfit to day?

BRIDGET: No.

We bunnies only wear our tails on very special occasions.

-Sit yourself down. -Right.

Hey, Bridge, how's your love life?

Oh...

COSMO: Still going out with that publishing chappie?

Uh, no, no.

Terribly brill.

COSMO:Neverdip yournib in the office ink.

Right.

COSMO: You really ought to hurry up...

and get sprugged up, you know, old girl?

Time's a-running out. Tick-tock.

Yes,yes.

Uh,tell me, is it one infour marriages...

that ends in divorce now or one in three?

One in three.

COSMO: Seriously, though.

Offices full of single girls in their thirties--

fine physical specimens...

but they just can't seem to hold down a chap.

WONEY: Yes. Why is it...

there are so many unmarried women in their thirties...

these days, Bridget?

[Mark sets down silverware]

[Laughs]

Oh, I don't know.

Suppose it doesn't help that underneath our clothes...

our entire bodies are covered in scales.

[Faint laughter]

MARK: I very much enjoyed...

your Lewisham fire report, by the way.

Thank you.

I just...

yeah,well.

So.

It didn'twork out with Daniel Cleaver?

No, it didn't.

I'm delighted to hear it.

Look, are you and Cosmo in this together?

I mean,you seem to go out of your way...

to try to make me feel like a complete idiot...

every time I see you, and you really needn't bother.

I already feel like an idiot most of the time anyway--

with or without a fireman's pole.

[Doorbell buzzes]

BRIDGET: That'll be my taxi.

Good night.

Look, um...

I'm sorry if I've been...

What?

I don't think you're an idiot at all.

I mean,there are elements of the ridiculous about you.

Your mother's pretty interesting.

And you really are...

an appallingly bad public speaker.

Andyou tendto let whatever's in yourhead...

come out of your mouth...

without much consideration of the consequences.

I realize that when I met you at the turkey curry buffet...

that I was unforgivably rude and wearing a reindeer jumper...

that my mother had given me the day before.

But the thingis, um...

what I'm trying to say very inarticulately is...

that, um...

infact...

perhaps, despite appearances...

I like you very much.

Ah. A part from the smoking and the drinking...

and the vulgar mother and the verbal diarrhea.

No. I like you very much-- just as you are.

Mark,we really are making progress on the case in here.

NATASHA:Jeremy's had the most brilliant idea.

[Snaps fingers] MARK:Right.

Right.

I must go, because...

well...

bye.

VANMORRISIONSINGING: Someone exactly like you

I've been travelin' all around the world

Just as you are?

Not thinner? Not cleverer?

Not with slightly bigger breasts and a slightly smaller nose?

VANMORRISONSINGING: Someone like you

BRIDGET: Mm-mmm.

VANMORRISONSINGING: To make it all worth while

Well...

fuck me.

VANMORRISONSINGING: Keep me satisfied

Someone exactly like you

Butthis is someone you hate, right?

Mmm. Mmm.

Yes,yes. I hate him.

[Laughs]

[Barking]

VANMORRISIONSINGING: I've been travelling a hard road

BRIDGET: November. Weight--  pounds.

Cigarettes--three.

Birthday--thirty-three.

OK, Bridget, see if you can get it right this time.

The verdict in the Aghani-Heaney case is expected today.

Get yourself down to the high court.

I want a hardheaded interview.

You do know the Aghani-Heaney case?

Yes, of course.

Big case...

featuring someone called Aghanihini.

Ortwo people called Kafir Aghani and Eleanor Heaney.

That's the one.

She's a British aid worker. He's a Kurdish freedom fighter.

The government want to extradite him home...

where he'll certainly be executed.

She's married to him...

and they fought for five years to keep him here.

Today is the decision.

Oh,that's exciting.

Yes, it is... so what are you waiting for?

BRIDGET:Am suddenly hard-headed journalist...

ruthlessly committed to promoting justice and liberty.

Nothing can distract me from my dedication...

to the pursuit of truth.

Well, almost nothing.

Right. I'll just pop to the shop for some ciggies.

BRIDGET:  p for the Polos and packet of Wheat Crunchies.

MARK: Packet of Embassy,please.

I'm sorry. I'm not quite fine--

Good afternoon.

Hi.

You like me justthe way I am.

Sorry?

Nothing.

Bridget, we've fucked up utterly.

Eleanor Heaney and Kafir Aghani have come and gone.

Oh, God. I'll be sacked.

Did the others get interviews?

I don't know. I was having a slash.

Actually, nobody got interviews.

How do you know?

Because I was defending him...

and I told him notto give any interviews.

Look...

MARK:I have a plan.

And action.

Mr. Darcy, you were defending Mr. Aghani.

You must be delighted.

Yes,well, KafirAghani has spent his entire life...

defending the basic human rights...

ofhis own people, and today's verdict...

has been the result offive years of struggle...

by this woman, Eleanor Heaney...

to save the man she loves from an extradition order...

that would've been tantamount to a death sentence.

Right.

BRIDGET: And, Eleanor, overto you.

Did you fancy Kafir the first time that you saw him?

[Laughs]

This has been Bridget Jones for "Sit Up,Britain"...

with, let'sface it, a bit of a crush now, actually.

Good afternoon.

Bridget Jones-- already a legend.

ARTFUL DODGERSINGING: l feel fantastic,bombastic

Ecstatically astounded

Got a girl who can really use her brain

I feel surrounded, confounded

Emotionally dumb founded

BRIDGET: Oh,joy. I am broadcasting genius.

Celebrating by cooking birthday feast for close friends.

Have sneaking suspicion...

am also something of a genius in the kitchen as well.

Tie flavor-enhancing leek and celery togetherwith string.

Right.

String.

String,string,string.

Perfect.

ARTFUL DODGER SINGING: I don't think so

Finely slice oranges and grate zest.

ARTFUL DODGERSINGING: Why don't you leave it there?

I feel fantastic, bombastic, ecstatic...

Aah! Oh, bugger!

Oh, bugger, bugger!

ARTFUL DODGERSINGING: I feel surrounded, confounded

Emotionally dumbfounded

Where the fuck is the fucking tuna?

Oh,this is Bridget Jones for "Sit Up, Britain"...

searching fortuna.

[Telephone rings]

Bridget Jones.

Hello, darling.

Hi, Mum.

I just wanted a bit of a chat.

Ouch! Careful,you ham-fisted cunt!

The thing is, darling, I'm--

Between you and me, I'm not entirely sure...

thatJulian isn't a bit of a shit.

BRIDGET: Yes, well, youknow, Mum...

I haven't really got time right now.

Oh, l...

I can't deny the sex is still very surprising.

You know,the other night, quite unexpectedly...

I was just dozing off, and lfeltthis huge--

Bye, Mum.

[Hangs up]

Ecch.

[Knock on door]

Oh.

Who can be calling now?

Oh.

The doorwas open.

MARK:I came to congratulate...

the newface of British current affairs.

BRIDGET:Huh.

But I see I may have come at a bad time.

How's it look?

Great. It's, um...blue.

[Gasps] Blue?

MARK: No, but blue is good.

If you ask me, there isn't enough bluefood.

Oh, shit. It must've been the string.

Oh, it's string soup?

[Laughs]

Oh, God. They're going to be here any minute.

Well, don't worry. I'm sure they've come to see you...

and not orange parfait in sugar cages.

Have a drink.

Yes.

Happy birthday.

Thankyou.

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

Did I really run round your lawn naked?

Oh,yes.

You werefour, and I was eight.

Well,that's a pretty big age difference.

It's quite pervy, really.

Yes, I like to think so.

BRIDGET: What are we going to do about this dinner, then?

We can have blue soupto start, orange pudding to end, and...

well,for main course, we have...

uh, congealed green gunge.

-That is caper berry gravy. -Oh,yes. Yeah.

-Do you have eggs? -Yes.

Right.

-Omelet it is,then. -Ah.

With caper berry gravy.

You wouldn't by any chance have any beet root cubes?

A mini-gherkin, stuffed olive?

No, Pam, and besides, I'm busy.

The gravy needs sieving.

Surely not. Just stir it, Una.

[Doorbell buzzes]

SHELBYLYNNESINGING: ln the dark

Icanhear

[Bridget opens door]

SHAZZER: Happy, happy birthday!

Hey,TV queen.

Hey, Bridge, you looked fantastic.

Hello.

Hello.

TOM:Are you joining us?

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

SHELBYLYNNESINGING: What did you say?

It's OK

[Laughs]

SHELBYLYNNESINGING: Mmm,mmm

Did you miss me?

Excellent.

Mmm. Yeah.

Delicious.

TOM:Really special.

It's really--really very good.

SHAZZER: Really. It's very nice.

[Laughter]

SHAZZER: Say...

Mmm.

Mark, why did your wife leave you?

Mmm. Eat up.

Eat up. Two more lovely courses to go.

SHELBYLYNNESINGING: Make it mine

They can talk

Mmm, delicious.

[Laughter]

I have to say,this really is the most incredible shit.

[Laughter]

This is the worst of the three.

It does actually remind me of something.

Ittastes like--

Marmalade.

TOM: Well done,Bridge.

Fourhours of careful cooking and a feast of blue soup...

omelet, and marmalade.

Thankyou.

I think that deserves a toast, don'tyou?

To Bridget...

who cannot cook, but who we love...

just as she is.

ALL: To Bridget...

just as she is.

SHELBYLYNNESINGING: Did you miss me?

Did youmiss me?

[Doorbell buzzes]

I'll go.

[Door opens]

Who?

Ah. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'm obviously interrupting a...

Darcy.

What brings you here?

Oh, right. Yeah.

I should've guessed, shouldn't l?

Hi. I'm Tom. It's really good to meetyou at last.

Yeah, listen, I just came to, uh...

DANIEL:lthought you might be on you rown.

Huh. What an idiot.

Excuse me.

I've been going crazy.

I can't stop thinking about you...

and thinking what a fucking idiot I've been.

Christ, is that blue soup?

Yes.

That Sunday in the country...

Come outside.

[Distant siren]

Itwas all just going sofast--

the hotel and that weekend, meeting your parents.

I just panicked.

You know me. I'm...

I'm a terrible disaster...

with a posh voice and a bad character.

You're the only one who can save me, Bridge.

I need you. Without you, twenty years from now...

I'll be in some seedy bar with some seedy blonde.

Well,what about Lara?

Oh, over, over. totally fucking finito.

Dumped me.

She realized that I hadn't got overyou.

DANIEL: lknow you're thinking...

it's just a sex thing, but I promise you...

whenever I see that skimpy little skirton TV...

I just close my eyes and listen...

to all the intelligent things you've said.

I was thrilled that little Kurdish bloke was set free.

Bridge...

I missed you a lot.

Oh, God.

I'm going now. Bye.

Mark, stay. We--

No, I don't think I will.

DANIEL: Well, listen, don't leave on my behalf.

I think it's time you and I putthis past behind us.

DANIEL:At least stay for a birthday drink...

with me and Bridge, huh?

Good-bye, Bridget.

BRIDGET: Mark.

Why are you here?

Bridge...

I just told you why I'm here.

Why was Mark "Wanker" Darcy here?

Oh, bloody hell. Wait a minute. He's back.

All right, Cleaver, outside.

I'm sorry?

DANIEL: Outside?

Uh,should I bring my dueling pistols or my sword?

All right. Hang on.

I should've done this years ago.

Done what?

This.

Ooh! Fuck!

Fuck me,that hurt!

Ahh!

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

-This. -Aah!

Aah! Oh, Christ, not again.

Uhh!

[Music playing]

Fight!

MAN: What?

Well, quick!

It's a realfight!

MAN: It's afight!

DANIEL:Allright, allright, allright.

I give up. I give up.

Just give me a moment, all right? Just...

Let me get a moment's break here, OK?

[Crowd yells]

Cheat!

TOM: Cheat! Cheat!

["It's Raining Men" playing]

I should've knew it!

[Speaking native language]

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Whose side are we on?

Mark's, obviously.

He's never dumped Bridget for some naked American.

And he said he liked her justthe way she is.

Yeah, but he also shagged Daniel's fiancee...

and left him broken hearted.

Good point. It's a very hard one to call.

GERRIHALLIWELL SINGING: It's raining men

Hallelujah, it's raining men

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

TOM: Oh,yes!

Mark!

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, all right?

Ohh! Ohh!

Aah!

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

I really am sorry.

I--I will pay.

Had enough, Darcy?

Not quite, if that's all right by you.

DANIEL: Oh! You broke my bloody jaw!

Happy birthday to you

ALL SINGING: Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear what's-his-name

Happy birthday to you

It's raining men

Hallelujah, it's raining men

-Uh... -Ohh...

-Uhh. -Uhh.

Jesus.

Uhh.

All right.

-All right? -Enough.

Enough.

Enough.

Wanker.

[All gasp]

What is your problem?

-My problem? -Yes.

You give the impression of being all moral and noble...

and normal...

and helpful in the kitchen...

butyou're just as bad as the rest of them.

Well, I can see that I've been laboring...

under a misapprehension.

A very,very foolish mistake. Forgive me.

DANIEL: Uhh.

Let's go back upstairs.

Come on.

We belong together,Jones.

Me,you.

Poor little skirt.

Right.

If I can't make it with you...

I can't make it with anyone.

Um...

That's not a good enough offer for me.

I'm not willing to gamble my whole life...

on someone who's...

well, not quite sure.

It's like you said.

I'm still looking for something...

more extraordinary than that.

[Singing] Ding dong,merrily on high

BRIDGET:December.

Weight--   pounds...

Plus forty-two mince-pies.

Alcohol units--

Oh, thousands.

Bugger off!

Come on, kids.

JULIAN: This barogue carriage clock...

is a particular festive favorite of mine...

incorporating the Hallelujah Chorus...

from Handel's "Messiah"...

every hour on the hour.

I don't understand it.

The man's actually turned red now.

Merry Christmas, Pamela.

[Turns off TV]

Well...

I'm going to Bedfordshire.

Night, night.

Night, night.

[Door closes]

[Clock chimes]

The thing is...

well, close up, he was almost purple.

You were such a lovely normal color.

He had afilthy temper.

And,well, the jewelry isfabulous...

and really very reasonably priced and...

I thought I might ask if...

we could have another go.

I mean, obviously, with some effort on your part...

to pay a bit more attention to me.

I do realize what I'm like sometimes.

It doesn't help thatyou and Bridget...

have your lovely grownup club of two...

and always saying...

"What's silly oldMummy gone anddone this time?"

You used to be mad about me.

You couldn't get enough of me.

What do you think?

[Breathes deeply]

I don't know, Pam.

I just don't know now.

It's been very hard.

[Sobs] Oh, Colin.

[Sobs]

I'm joking,you daft cow.

Oh!

[Both laugh]

Pam, I just don't work without you.

[Both laugh]

Awful. [Laughs]

[Pam laughs]

Lovely, lovely, lovely.

Get back upthose stairs, young lady.

Get dressed.

BRIDGET: Whatfor?

The Darcys' ruby wedding party.

Whatfor, indeed.

Mark will be there-- still divorced.

He's also still deranged. I'm not going.

Poor Mark. It's always a bad time of yearfor him.

You know, his Japanese wife left him on Christmas Day.

Cruel race.

BRIDGET: Yes,butl'm not guite sure...

he didn'tdeserve it, actually.

She ran off with his bestfriend from Cambridge.

Total scoundrel, apparently.

Best man at his wedding.

PAM: Christmas Eve,Mark comes home early from work...

finds the pair of them in a most unorthodox position--

stark naked, a tit like rabbits.

Just give mefive minutes.

SINGING: Ain't no mountain high enough

DIANA ROSS: Oh,ho

Ain't no valley low enough

Whoo

Ain't no riverwide enough

Stop. Stop the car. Stop the car.

Dad, get out. Too slow!

Ain't no valley low enough

Say it again

Ain't no river wide enough

Hey, to keep me from you

Dad, get in.

-Hurry. -What's your hurry?

Not too fast.

Keepme from you

A bit snowy, isn't it?

Ain't no mountain high enough

Oh,ho

Ain't no valley low enough

Whoo

Ain't no river wide enough

To keep me from you

Ain't no mountain high enough

Ow, ain't no valley low enough

Say it again

Ain'tno river wide enough

Hey, to keep me from you

Sorry. One moment.

Thank you for inviting me.

I didn't. It must've been my parents.

So...

So.

Hello, Bridget.

Didn't know you were coming.

NATASHA:Mark, your father wants to begin A.S.A.P.

Oh, does he? Right.

Well, uh...

Come on, Mark. Be helpful, please.

The caterers have totally screwed up.

Does nothing work outside of London?

Hmm? Apparently not.

Well, I'd better...

Listen, uh...

I owe you an apology about Daniel.

He said that you ran off with his fiancee...

and left him broken hearted, he said.

Ah.

No, it was the other way around.

It was my wife...

my heart.

Sorry.

That's why you always acted so strangely around him...

and beat him to a pulp, quite rightly.

Well done.

Well, um...

BRIDGET: Can wejust, um...

pop outthere...

for a moment?

MAN: Quite delightful, isn't it, my dear?

BRIDGET: OK.

BRIDGET:I just have something that I want to say.

Um...

You once said that you liked me just as I am...

and I just wanted to say... likewise.

I mean...

there are stupid things your mum buys you.

Tonight's another classic.

You're haughty, and you always say the wrong thing...

in every situation.

And I seriously believe thatyou should...

rethink the length of your sideburns.

But you're a nice man...

and...

I like you.

So if you wanted to pop by sometime...

that might be nice.

More than nice.

Right.

Crikey.

[Father taps glass with silverware]

FATHER: Ladies and gentlemen...

couldlhave your attention for a moment,please?

Excuse me.

Of course.

...wife and companion Geraldine.

A toast to her, my--my wonderful wife Geraldine.

ALL: To Geraldine.

And we, in turn...

have been blessed with our son, Mark.

He's always made us proud...

and we couldn't be prouder of him...

than on this particular day...

because I'm thrilled to announce...

he has just been invited to be a senior partner...

in thefirm of Abbott and Abbott in New York.

[Light applause]

FATHER:He also, incidentally...

takes with him his brilliant partner in law...

Natasha.

And, well,I don't think they'll mind...

since we're amongst friends...

if I say that someday this remarkably clever girl...

is goingto be something-else-in-law as well.

["Here Comes the Bride" plays]

I begged him notto say anything.

FATHER: So I ask you now...

to charge your glasses once again...

to Mark and his Natasha.

ALL: To Mark and his Natasha.

BRIDGET: No!No!

It's justthat...

it's such a terrible pity...

f-for England...

to lose...

such a great legal brain.

-Is she pissed? -What?

F-forthe people of England...

Iike me andyou...

to lose one of ourtop people.

Uh...

justtop person, really.

WOMAN:Ahem.

Well...better dash.

BRIDGET:l've got another party to go to.

It's single people.

Mainly...poofs.

Bye.

[Crowd murmurs]

GABRIELLESINGING: Knew the sight

Wasn't right

I was stupid

For a while

Swept away

By you

And now I feel

Like a fool

So confused

My heart's bruised

Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach

So far

I never had your heart

Out of reach

Couldn't see

We were never meant to be

Catch my self

From the spell

Icould drown if I stay here

Keepin'busy

Every day

[Doorbell buzzes]

I know I will be OK

Yes?

ALL: Hi, it's us!

Oh.

Great. Come on up.

Have we got the most fantastic surprise for you.

Oh, no. You're not going to sing.

Not that fantastic, sadly, no, but still pretty good.

We've decided we're taking you to Paris for the weekend.

Forget everything--particularly, forget about Mark Darcy.

I can't believe you said what you said you said.

I know.

There goes my invite to the Darcys' nextyear.

If he didn't leap over the family heirlooms...

and whip you up in his arms, then sod him.

Yes. He's clearly the most dreadful coldfish.

Exactly.

I mean,there's been all these bloody hints...

and stuff, but has he ever actually...

stuck his fucking tongue down your fucking throat?

No. Not once.

I think we should pack, shouldn'twe?

Passport, Bridget. And pants.

Yep, pants.

Hurry up, Bridge!

We'refreezing our bollocks off out here!

Yeah. Justthe keys.

I'm stuck! Oh!

Come the fuck on, Bridget.

JUDE: Close the door.

MARK: Bridget?

TOM: Stop being so bossy.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to know if you were available...

for bar mitzvahs and christenings...

as well as ruby weddings.

Excellent speech.

I thought thatyou were in America.

Well,yes, I was, but, um...

I realized I'd forgotten something back home.

Which was?

Well, I realized I'd forgotten to, um...

kiss you good-bye. Do you mind?

Um....

not really, no.

So...

you're not going to America,then?

-No. -No.

-Not. -Oh, oh.

You're staying here?

So it would seem.

ALL:Aah!

[Yelling, honking car horn]

SHAZZER: Go,Bridget!

Friends of yours?

[Laughs]

No. I've never seen them before in my life.

SHAZZER:Look, are you coming to fucking Paris or not?

Not.

-No fucking room anyway. -No.

Maybe we should just go upstairs for a minute.

Yes. Very good idea.

JUDE: No. Come on, let's go. No.

Of course she's not coming.

TOM: Close it down.

Uh...

give me just a minute.

Um...keep yourself busy. Read something.

Lots of very high-quality magazines...

with helpful fashion and romance tips.

I'll be right with you.

[Door closes]

Definitely an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.

Right.

Right.

[Door closes]

Mark?

Mark?

Mark!

Mark!

Oh.

Oh, shit.

Double shit.

BRIDGET:Bollocks!

Oh, God.

BRIDGET: Ooh! Wish me luck!

Good luck, crazy girl!

Ain't no mountain high enough

-Oh,ho -Ain't no valley low enough

-Ooh -Ain't no river wide enough

-Oh -To keep me from you

Ain't no mountain high enough

Ow, ain't no valley low enough

Say it again, ain't no river wide enough

Hey, to keep me from you

Ain't no mountain high enough

Nothing can keep me

Mark?

Keep me from you

Mark!

Oh, damn.

Ain't no mountain high enough

No, ain't no valley low enough

I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean it.

I mean, I meant it...

but I was so stupid that I didn't mean what I meant.

Oh,for Christ's sakes.

It's only a diary.

Everyone knows diaries are justfull of crap.

I know that.

I was just buying you a new one.

Time to make a new start, perhaps.

VANMORRISONSINGING: I've been searchin' a long time

[Laughs]

For someone exactly like you

I've been traveling all around the world

Waitin'for you

To come through

Someone like you

Wiill make it all worthwhile

Wait a minute.

Nice boys don't kiss like that.

Oh,yes,they fucking do.

VANMORRISONSINGING: Keep me satisfied

Someone exactly like you

Someone exactly like you

Someone exactly like you

The best is yet to come

The best is yet to come

[New song begins]

ROBBIE WILLIAMS SINGING: Have you met Miss Jones?

Someone said as we shook hands

She was just Miss Jones

To me

And nowl've met Miss Jones

And we'll keep on meeting

Till we're done

Miss Jones andl

Whoa, fellas

And all at once

I lost my breath

And all at once

Was scared to death

And all a tonce

I owned the earth

And sky

Now I've met Miss Jones

And we'll keep onmeeting

Till we're done

Miss Jones and I

Miss Jones and I

Miss Jones and I

How!

SHELBYLYNNESINGING:I didn't mean to hurt your feelings

It was so careless of me

I guess I've gone and done it

It's just a matter of time

Nothing I can do

But tell youl'm sorry

And that's the hardest part of all

'Cause yourlove's the killin'kind

Your love's the killin'kind

Yeah

I'd rather walk on glass

Than see teardrops in your eyes

Andl'd fall to pieces

Just to hold you

The best thing in my life

And it's justluck I get to love you

You're the one thing that's right

You're the light in my hell's darkness

'Cause yourlove's the killin'kind

Your love's the killin'kind

Oh, yeah

I just might cry now

Lie

Lay down and die now

You've done it to me

You'reputtin'me under

I close my eyes atnight

Sittin' undersky

I love you and all is pleasures

Baby, feels so right

My arms won't be of any use at all

If I can't hold you

'Cause your love's the killin'kind

Your love's the killin'kind

[New song begins]

ROBBIE WILLIAMS: Not of this earth

You've changed places with the sun

I know that you're the one

I love what we've become

Not of this earth

Not surprised we're unashamed

She's gonna have to change her name

Then we'll know they'll be the same

She's not of this earth

And I believe we've seen the worst

If I everleave this world

You will have a song to sing

So you know what you're worth