See Dad Assist Kevin

Is this great, or is this great? Man, I got to say, David. Having your trailer from the show towed to your backyard Sheer genius! Yes, it was. This trailer is now my official man cave. We can smoke cigars. We can watch football. No women, no children, no problem. And not to mention, we can watch the bachelor. Rose ceremony. Up top, bros! You know, Marcus, since I've been watching the kids, I-I can't remember the last time I played golf, can you? Mm, I played yesterday. What? David, you're not free anymore, man, so lately, stu has been our fourth. - Stu? - And fair warning, man He was complaining that you missed the poker game last week. They are this close to giving your seat to stu's kid. Stu's kid is 12. His money's as good as anyone's. Well, count me in for the next poker game, okay? I've already talked to Amy, and she's good for watching the kids. David, I'm feeling a three-Degree shift to the left. I think I'm gonna make an adjustment. I think you're getting a little too comfortable around us, Kevin. He's talking about leveling the trailer I hope. - Dad? - Man-Cave time, Emily! Man-Cave time! Yeah, yeah, yeah. No women or children allowed. Anyway, can I borrow $150? "Borrow"? Okay, have. All my friends are going to the Katy Perry concert. What about your allowance, Emily? Dad, I'm being responsible by Saving my money and asking you for yours. What are you not getting here? Man-Cave time! Get out of here. I swear, if I get interrupted one more time, I'm gonna scream. Thank you, Kevin! Thank you for supporting me. Not a problem, David, but I tweaked my back. So, if you two don't need anything, I think I'm gonna pass out. - Hmm. - Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't move him. Don't move him. Why, you think it'll make it worse? No, with him laying there, I think the trailer is finally level. Here you go. - Daddy? - Yeah. I see crust on this toast. Crust on this toast. Okay. Hey, look, guys, I really need your help today, okay? Kevin's on the couch with a bad back, so not only do I have to take care of all of guys, I got nobody to take care of me. I should've had pancakes. Hey, dad, is Kevin gonna be okay? Yeah, his doctor said he's just got to lie on his back for 48 hours. Aw, poor Kevin. Yeah, yeah, poor Kevin. Can we get a puppy? What? I'm not a doctor. Yeah, a cute, furry puppy might make Kevin feel better. Are you guys crazy? Do you know what your track record is with animals? You know we have a pet cemetery in the backyard? You know before the Gardener mows the lawn, he says a Hail Mary? You know when dogs see you coming, they actually roll over and play dead? Remember Perry the parakeet? Oh! All he could say was, "hi, Amy. Hi, Amy. What? Hi, Amy. " I was the only one who fed him. You guys get so excited about these little creatures, a couple hours go by, you guys get bored, and then you leave it for us to take care of. Yeah, and eventually bury. You kill five pets, and they never let you forget it. Oh, Kevin. - Morning, David. - Hey. I got your coffee. Tell me you didn't walk to get this. Well, I walked there, but I crawled back. You know, for such a nice neighborhood, there's a surprising amount of broken glass on the sidewalks. Come on, let's help him to the Couch. Your doctor says if you don't lay down, you can screw it up even worse. Oh, and fyi, Kevin, you forgot my scone. Oh! So, sweetie, does, uh Does Kevin have a roommate to come and, uh, pick him up? No, I think he lives alone. Well, do you have his parents' contact info? - No. - Well, do you know if he has, like, a sibling or a girlfriend? No, and doubt it. Please tell me you know the boy's last name. Of course I know the boy's last name. It's Kevin Just like Cher or Madonna Kevin. Look, don't worry. I will take care of Kevin Which reminds me, can you take care of him tomorrow night while I play poker? - Oh, no. That's something that we need to talk about. - What? - Because Karen changed her baby shower to tomorrow night. - No! - Yeah. - Come on! Amy, if I miss one more poker game, I'm out of the group! Well, if I miss my boss's baby shower, I could get fired, so hmm. Well, you know what? I'll have the poker game here. - How about that? - Great idea. All right, all I have to do is drop the kids off at school and then pick up some snacks for the poker game and take care of Kevin No-Brainer. No-Brainer That's right in your wheelhouse, isn't it? I can't believe the day I had. - You have my pain pills? - Huh? Yeah, I got 'em, right here. Want to hear what I had to go through to get them? Maybe after you give me one? So I drop the kids off at school, right? I go to the pharmacy. Surprise It's flu shot day. Line out the door, and I'm like, "I'm not hanging around for this silliness," so I go get a cup of coffee, and, of course, they're out of my drip, so I get decaf. Why bother, right? Uh, I feel your pain, David. Now, about mine Yeah, it says, uh, "One capsule every three hours. " Three hours, which is exactly how long I waited in line, and you want to know what's worse? This? Oh, yeah, okay. Would you like a pill? Yeah, all right, hang on. Hold that. Here we go. What the Heck was that? I'm sorry. I have trouble swallowing pills. Really? When I was a kid, my mom used to grind them up into milkshakes for me, but I couldn't ask you to do that. Why not? I wasted the whole day getting these stupid pills. Ah, I guess I'll take my bath later. Dad, the Katy Perry Concert is almost sold out. - Have you thought any more about giving me the money? - Yes. - You're giving me the money? - No. I have a much better idea, Emily. I'm gonna give you a job. - How is that better? - Better for me. You're gonna work the poker game. You're gonna go buy me some snacks and stuff, you're gonna set it up and then clean up afterward, okay? Ooh, is there any wiggle room with the "clean up after" part? 'Cause I'm gonna be so tired after doing all that other work. Yeah, I know. Jobs are funny like that. - Hey. Hi. - Hey, dad. Thought any more about giving us a puppy? Yes. So you're giving us one? No. I have a better idea. I'm gonna give you guys a job. How is that better? Here's what we're gonna do You guys need to prove that you're responsible enough to have another pet, okay? So I want you to watch Kevin for a few days, and if you can do that successfully, then you can have a pet. - You're on! - All right. - Deal! - Excellent! David? Is that pill coming? Yes, it's coming! "My back. My back. " You're You're putting a pill in a hot dog? He's not gonna fall for that. Hot dog, Kevin? Mmm. Yummy. Okay, I'm gonna go to the garage and get the poker tabletop, all right? Keep an eye on Kevin. Oh, David, can I help? No, no, no, no! Stay. Kevin, daddy said stay. Now sit. S-i-i-it. Good job, Buddy. Kevin, did you make this mess? Kevin? Sorry. What are you wearing? Oh, we were playing dress-up, and then the kids got bored, and I haven't seen them since. Just like they did with Goldie the goldfish. I hope we don't have to flush you. Please don't. do you mind if I watch some tv? - Sure. - Okay. Oh, animal whisperer This guy really speaks to me. I love this show, but no one will ever watch it with me. Oh, you ever see the one where the shih-Tzu thought it was a rottweiler? Attitude! Oh. Ugh. - You okay? - It's It's just It's just Ohh! Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two pair. - Really? - Yeah. Dang it. All I got is a full house. Hello, more chips? Oh, sorry, Mr. Putch, we are out of chips. Want more chips, stu? Do you? Win a hand. In the meantime, why don't you eat those chips off Wally's man boobs. Have at it. Janie let you borrow that? Oh, she's renting it to me. I just got to stay close to a wall socket. This way, I can help you out. Listen, Kevin, the doctor said you got to rest your back, so go rest your back. Sorry for the wait. Enjoy. That better be salami disguised as celery. Ha ha ha. That's funny, Mr. Putch. We have celery, carrots, and roasted kale. What is this a poker game or a spa retreat? What's next We're gonna do shots of wheatgrass? Maybe we can wax Wally's back while we're at it. Have at it. Emily, what happened to the list I gave you - the one with real food on it? - You told me to get snacks. This is what my friends and I snack on. Listen to me, this is a poker game. Half the fun for these guys is to come here and eat crap, because they're middle-Aged men and they've given up long ago. Clearly. Do me a favor I want you to call Mario's on 5th. I want you to get some meat lover's pizzas. I want some eggplant parm, some wings Anything that doesn't have the words "Heart healthy" on it, okay? Tell 'em it's for Marcus's wife. They'll know. Mmm! I can feel myself losing weight as we speak. That's your wallet getting lighter. What, did I just eat a piece of chalk? - It's called jicama. - Mm. Maybe you could Whittle it into a knife and stab me with it. Hmm. Thinking about it. Hi, Matthew. Okay, queen bets. We're gonna have such a good time at the concert. Em? Em, the delivery guy's here. Em? I call. - I'm in. - Why not? You know, I've played a lot of poker in my fame-Filled life, gentlemen, but I have never seen a hand like this before. Read 'em and weep. Whoa! What? It's better than jicama. What were you thinking? And you! How could you let this happen? Food was your one job. In my defense, I asked for money, not a job. And you guys were supposed to watch Kevin for me. In our defense, we asked you for a puppy. It's my fault, David. - Kevin - I'm sorry, Emily. I went to open the door, and she tried to help me, but I wouldn't let her. This is all on me. Look, Kevin, I know that you want to do things for me. I get that. Everybody does. It's natural, but you've ruined my poker night, and that's not good, Kevin. That's bad. It's bad, Kevin, bad! Hey, any word from Kevin? He's been gone all day. No, but I found his wallet. Do you know that Kevin's last name is "Kostner?" Kevin Kostner, with a "K. " And you couldn't remember that? Oh, Emily. Emily, good. Here, I want to give you, um Give you some money for last night, okay? - Are you sure? - Yeah. It wasn't your fault the poker game was ruined. Kevin Kostner had something to do with it. He pronounces it "Ostner," dad. The "k" is silent. Well, of course it is. - I can't keep the money. - What? It was my fault Kevin ruined your game. I was on the phone when the delivery came. He was just covering for me. Really? Oh. Well, thank you for your honesty, Emily. You know what? It if it was a real job, you'd have gotten paid. You'd have gotten fired, but you'd have gotten paid. So, you know, enjoy the concert with your friends, okay? Oh, and, uh, take this kale with you. Amazingly, all of it's left. - Thanks, daddy. - All right, have a good time. - Hey. - Where'd you guys go? We were putting up "Missing Kevin" Posters everywhere. I helped draw the picture. Let's see. - Oh! - Oh, this is beaut - She's a little picasso! - Yeah. - Oh, my gosh! - Good job, guys. Oh, please, please help find our Kevin. I just I-I knew I'd get attached. This is Perry the parakeet all over again. - All right, all right, okay. - Yeah. Okay, take it easy. I'll find him. Don't worry, guys. I'll be back in a little bit. Hey. Hey, so what's the word on our boy? Oh, nothing, and, uh, nobody's heard anything from him. Did you know that his last name is kostner? Mm, it's "Ostner," Dave. The "k" is silent. Why don't you try the tracker on his phone? - His who now? - Okay the tv show put a tracker in his cell phone for production emergencies. - What kind of emergencies? - Oh, I don't know. Occasionally, we had an actor that would throw a temper tantrum if we forgot his Fries. What a diva. They probably used the same restaurant that I used to use. They would always forget my Fries, and I would get so mad! Come on. Oh. Hey, guys. Uh, just give me a sec to straighten up. Wait a minute. Man, I don't care if you're spraying for ebola. We are not standing in that hallway. Oh, okay. This is pretty nice. What am I saying? Why in the hell do you live here? It's not much, but it's home. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, get away from my car! Hey! Let me go check this out. Oh! Stay away from me, people! Care to sit? Thank you. So, Kevin, what happened? Why did you, um why did you disappear like that? Because I'm supposed to take care of you, not the other way around. It's better this way, with me gone. Well, that's what I came here to tell you, that it's not better. I'm sorry I ruined your poker game, David. I know that you were just covering for Emily, and I appreciate that, but look, I-I shouldn't have yelled at you the way I did. All I ever wanted was to make you proud. Mm. Are we gonna do emotions now? Look, Kevin, what about your own dad? My father? He barely even noticed me. When I was a kid, he was always away on business, and I'd be left alone, watching tv Mostly see dad run. And I'd sit and watch, and you'd always be there. And the best thing is, now that the show's over, you're still there. I'm just so wildly uncomfortable right now. Sorry. My father and me We've never really seen eye to eye. Yet he just keeps talking. I don't know how many times I've heard, "just come home. Join the family business. " But I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna make it on my own. I'm gonna produce great television, David, like see dad run, and nothing's gonna get in my way. Oh. That's actually That's amazing and And quite commendable. - You really think so? - Yeah, I do. Look, why don't you, uh why don't you come back to the house? Because I, um I, uh you know, the family misses you, and if they were here right now, they would give you a hug, but they're not, so let's go. Hey, David, uh, I can't thank you enough for putting me up. Back's feeling great, But, uh I think it's time I got out of your hair and went on home. Okay. Hey, do me a favor before you leave, will you? Just go get me a cigar from my man cave. Sure thing. Surprise! What's going on? It's a housewarming party for you. I don't get it. Well, I'm, uh I'm I'm giving you my man cave to live in. It was a family decision, and we want you to live here. Yay! We don't need a puppy now! We've got a Kevin. We'll talk about that scratch you put on my ride later. Welcome home, Kevin. So Animal Whisperer marathon. Yeah? I-I-I don't know what to say. - Please don't cry, Kevin. - Okay. What are you I thought you were at your concert. And miss Kevin's housewarming party? Kevin, thank you for covering for me at the poker game. You didn't have to do that. no problem. You know, I've never had an older brother to look out for me before till now. Oh, for the love Go ahead and cry. My man cave.