The Monster Who Came to Bikini Bottom


 * (Patrick is tip-toeing around and laughing. Falls off a barrel)
 * Patrick: Look, another rubber stopper for my rubber stopper collection. (pulls out the stopper. Toxic waste spills out. Cut to Patrick holding a snow globe) It's a little land that's all mine. (turns it upside-down and back up) Now it's snowing in my little land. (shakes it) It's snowing again. (puts the snow globe down and claps. The ground shakes. A monster drools on Patrick) Hey, my little land must be having an earthquake. (a purple monster is standing over Patrick. It growls) Must have been an aftershock. (monster grabs the snow globe and roars) Uh, hey, no wonder you're angry. You just gotta turn it upside down. See? (the monster turns it upside-down and back up. He laughs and so does Patrick)
 * Narrator: Much, much later... (Patrick and the monster are still laughing)
 * Patrick: Snow globes are always funny. (sniffs his armpit) Hey, you want to smell my armpit? There you go.
 * (Monster sniffs Patrick's armpit. Patrick laughs. The monster pokes Patrick and has him smell his armpit) Thanks. Oh, hey, do you like to play tag? (monster growls) Never played it before, huh? Uh, yeah, it's kinda hard to explain. Oh, how about hide-and-seek? (monster growls) No, no, no, this one's easy. You just close your eyes while the other guy hides, and then you find him and you win. Okay? Ready, uh, now go hide. (covers eyes) 1, 2, 3. You can skip a few, 100. Okay, ready or not, here I come. (monster is not there) Hey, where'd you go? Why are you hiding from me? (sobs) This game's harder than I thought. (monster touches Patrick on the shoulder and growls) You want to smell my armpit again? (cut to them playing ringtoss) You win again. Hey, hey, you want to do meet my friend, SpongeBob? Uh, he's a little weird, but you guys will probably get along. (the monster grabs Patrick and puts him in his mouth) We can play more coral ring toss later.
 * SpongeBob: (putting food in Gary's bowl) Dinnertime, Gary. And it's your favorite flavor—crushed anemone byproducts and krill. (ground shakes) What is that horrific banging? (looks out the window and sees Patrick inside the monster's mouth) Patrick's being eaten by a giant sea monster!
 * Patrick: Hey, hey!
 * SpongeBob: Oh, he's crying out for help.
 * Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! Hey, up here! Look, no hands! (chuckles)
 * SpongeBob: Gary, this is even worse than yesterday.
 * Narrator: Yesterday... (at Krusty Krab, a customer is trying to get some ice in his cup but there is no ice coming out)
 * Nat: Excuse me, I think your ice machine's broken.
 * Squidward: Keep looking. You'll find someone who cares.
 * Nat: Uh, you're the owner here, aren't you?
 * Mr. Krabs: That would be me. (chuckles)
 * Nat: Well, I think your ice machine might be broken.
 * Mr. Krabs: Oh, try telling that guy over there. (points to SpongeBob, who is cleaning tables)
 * Nat: Excuse me, the ice machine's broken.
 * SpongeBob: No! Why?! Why?! Why?! (sobbing) Why?! (flashback ends) It was horrible. (knock on door. SpongeBob opens it to see Patrick) Patrick! Patrick! (gives him a hug)
 * Patrick: SpongeBob!
 * SpongeBob: I must've been daydreaming. I saw you in this big monster's dripping maw, and I thought you were being eaten.
 * Patrick: Uh, I wasn't being eaten. That monster is my friend. I thought you might like to meet him.
 * SpongeBob: I would be delighted to meet him.
 * Patrick: Well, in that case, SpongeBob, I would like to introduce you to... I would like to introduce you to... I forgot his name. What do I do? What do I do?
 * SpongeBob: Don't panic. Introduce me first. Then he'll say his name when he meets me.
 * Patrick: Okay. (to monster) Uh, I'd like you to meet my friend, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: And you are? (monster growls and drools all over Patrick and SpongeBob) Nice to meet you, Mr. (growls. Cut to later) Well, Rarrg, now that we're friends, I would like to show you my home.
 * Patrick: And this is my home.
 * SpongeBob: Where is your home? Oh, maybe he doesn't have a home.
 * Patrick: Doesn't have a home? (bell dings) Hey, wait a minute, you can live under my rock if you want, Rarrg. (the monster puts Patrick's rock on top of his head and adjusts it. SpongeBob, Patrick, and the monster all laugh. The monster throws Patrick's rock and breaks it into pieces. Everyone laughs)
 * SpongeBob: Oh, he smashed your house.
 * Patrick: Yeah. (everyone still laughing) He's gonna smash your house now.
 * SpongeBob: (yelps) He's going to smash my house! Gary! (monster throws the pineapple) Gary! Jump, Gary, jump! (Gary jumps out of the window) Parachute, Gary. Use your parachute. (Gary uses it)
 * Patrick: He's gonna smash Squidward's place now. (monster picks up the island head)
 * SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick, I don't-- (Patrick laughs)
 * Patrick: Encore! (monster throws Squidward's house, destroying it. Patrick claps a few time as the police cars drive up and surround Rarrg with barbed wire fencing) Wow, the police have arrived.
 * SpongeBob: And they built a cute, little fence around Rarrg. (Squidward walks past) Hi, Squidward, you're home early. (Squidward walks up to the cops)
 * Cop: Hold it, buddy. Where are you going?
 * Squidward: I live here. (cops laugh) And what's so funny?
 * Cop: Oh, the thought of anyone living in a pile of gravel.
 * Squidward: I'll have you know, sir, that my home is a-- pile of gravel?! (screams)
 * Cop: Sir, don't yell at me. We don't want to alert the--
 * Squidward: Alert the what?
 * Cop: That big, scary monster inside the fence over there. (points. The monster waves)
 * SpongeBob: He waved at you, Squidward. That means he likes you.
 * Squidward: He likes me. Officer, arrest me right now, because I am about to throw a horrible tantrum that no one around here wants to see. (cut to later)
 * Cop #2: What do you think he's doing up there?
 * Cop #3: Who?
 * Cop #2: The big guy.
 * Cop #3: I don't know.
 * Cop #2: What?
 * Cop #3: I said I don't know.
 * Cop #2: (sneezes in a megaphone, which upsets the monster and runs away)
 * Cop #3: He's escaped!
 * Cop #2: Quick, everybody into the... (grabs megaphone) Quick, everybody into the squad car. (the monster runs and squishes the cop cars) Oh, darn it.
 * Cop #4: Now what are we going to do?
 * Cop #2: We shall have to chase him on foot. (monster growls as he runs away) It's headed straight for town. (they chase him into town and then stop) There, by the magazine stand. Hold it right there, bub. (monster is reading a magazine) This is a newsstand, not a library. (over megaphone) Okay, one more step, and I'll sneeze. (monster groans)
 * Patrick: Wait just one minute. This is my friend. If you want to get to him, you're gonna have to go through me.
 * Cop #2: We're prepared to do that.
 * Patrick: Actually... just let me to talk to him for a minute. Psst. (monster picks him up)
 * Cop #2: You mean, that thing can speak?
 * Patrick: (scoffs) Of course. He's a giant freak of nature, not a freak of nature that can't speak. (both whisper indistinctly) And so as the lowly snail sheddeth his shell, and the lofty gull moldeth his feathers, the brightest of friendships must dimmeth as the setting sun.
 * Cop #2: That was... (sniffles) beautiful. We still gotta run him out of town. (cut to monster waving goodbye and walking off into the distance)
 * Patrick: It really crushes my heart to see him go.
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, crushes. Patrick, "crushes"—that gives me an idea. (cut to a snowy mountaintop where Patrick is standing by a phone. The phone rings)
 * Patrick: (picks up phone) Yeah? Okay. (hangs up) Two cubes, please. (the monster crushes a block of ice into cubes. He takes two and throws them)
 * SpongeBob: (at the Krusty Krab) Your ice cubes, sir.
 * Nat: What? Where? (the ice cubes that the monster threw land in his cup) Hey, thanks buddy.
 * SpongeBob: Don't thank me. Thank Raarg.