Pipeline Fever

[ incomplete: unfixed/messed ]

Prologue
Sterling Archer: Ahhh Oh man, is this great? ( Lana Kane: No Archer, it’s… ) Was that a rhetorical question? ( Lana: Archer. Archer! ) And also was that? Answer, yes, they both were, because New Orleans is my kind of town, and I haven’t had a vacation in forever. ( Lana: Well, that’s great but… ) Nola! The Crescents City! The Big Easy… Can you go find some more hurricanes for me? Hippies aren’t the only people who care about the environment. Like, I happen to care. A lot. And so does our target Joshua Gray, aka Gandalf. His name’s Gandalf? And he’s not a hippie? Gray’s an ex-Green Beret, and he’s attacked nuclear power plants hydro-electric dams, wailing ships Wailing ships? What? He’s against clean-burning lamp oil? Would you relax? We know he’s gonna try to attack the pipeline, and we know where the pipeline is Yeah, running through a couple hundred miles of marshy wetlands. So mobility will be key, Lana. And how will we achieve mobility? Huh? An airboat, Lana! Just like Burt Reynolds in "White Lightning"! - Great, just - Not to mention "Gator"! Which, even though it’s the sequel, I think is actually the stronger of the two films. Just try to keep a low profile. We could scare off Gray if we don’t maintain the element of surprise. Hey here’s a surprise: This is Hermès. Ooh, and here’s another one. - Remember Jerry Reed’s character in Gator? - No. Bama McCall? No. Well whatever, check this out. I stuh borrowed it from Woodhouse. Archer, what the shit?! - Right? It’s just like in Gator - Gun! Gun! Drop it, drop it! You drop it! Lana, hijacking! Dammit, it’s not a Oh great, there better be more of those! Sky marshal! Drop your weapon! - Oh! Okay relax, it’s okay, we’re - Dut dut dut dut dut! Sterling Archer and Lana Kane of ISIS, and we’re on a mission to stop an eco-terrorist from blowing up a gas pipeline! So for the love of God, woman, go make me a fresh batch of hurricanes! Great. Way to keep a low profile. Thanks. This is the AmPetCo gas pipeline Runs right underneath these swamps, supplyin’ almost twenty percent of America’s liquid natural gas demand. - Right - But there’s a pig launcher here Is that what it sounds like? It’s a pipe inspection gauge, for cleaning the pipeline. It’s the only section above ground, so if Gray wants to attack our pipeline He’ll have to do it there. So we’ll set up a defensive perimeter at the launcher, and catch him when he tries. Well wait, hang on a second Can I get the oyster po’boy and just like, a side of crawfish étouffee? Cause I’m not sure if I’ll like it. Archer. No? Just an entree? Okay. Oh, so the po’boyHello? - Wow, speaking of disastrous - Speaking of shut up, think about what will happen to those fragile wetlands if that pipeline explodes! Screw the damn swamps, think what’ll happen to AmPetCo’s profit margin! - What? - Big money. Huge tax credits from that hippie Democrat congress, just for making a few simple changes around here. Well, a lot of these aren’t so simple. Replacing all the lights with high efficiency fluorescents, putting lowflow fixtures on all the plumbing Recycling old batteries?! Exactly, don’t we do that already? Umm - Prrretty much - Good. Because I’m not leaving money on the table. So to get these freebie socialist tax credits, we are going to make this place lean and green. Typical corporate bullshit Thirty acres of wetlands disappear every day, but all you care about is how much natural gas you can pump out! Hey, we’re just supplying a demand. Yeah, AmPetCo’s demand for huge profits! Well, some of those huge profits are paying ISIS to - protect that pipeline - Which I’m only doing for the wetlands - Wetlands, profits, whatever - Yeah, sounds like a win-win Just get out there and do your job! Yeah I will! If you will excuse me! I should go with her. I don’t think room service is coming. Shoulda called first Cause dat’s the only airboat around for fifty miles, and it’s reserved. What do you mean it’s reserved? Is dat not self-explanatory? Look, this is kind of an emergency. - Can we work something out? - Maybe. Maybe use that money to buy a time machine, go back in time, and be the first person to reserve dat boat. You sure about that? - Yup. - Good. Cause I’ve waited my entire life to say this exact phrase I’m commandeering this airboat. Sorry! It really is an emergency! Of an awesome and asskicky nature. And some damn guard dog you is! Annie! Annie? Aw, well that’s just great. Now both my dogs is dead! Stupid efficient Canadian lightbulbs. I can barely even see what I’m doing. What arya doin? I need six more of these. Why do you need seven? One for each cat, duh! For God’s sake, Pam! Have you no sense of decency?! That bathroom’s like a, a war crime! Don’t blame me, it’s those new lowflow toilets! With the old ones you could flush a dachsund puppy! I mean, not that you would, but Well next time use the Dut dut dut dut! Women’s restroom! The what? Thanks, Cyril. Woooo! Seriously Lana, this must be what it’s like to have sex with me! How can an airboat be selfish? Nope! Can’t hear you, I’m too happy! You can’t hear me because you’re redlining the engine! Thank you, certified airboat mechanic! Now where’s the pig launcher thing? This heading, one mile! - But I’m serious, if you don’t slow down - I’ll keep feeling this incredibly vibrant and alive! Yeah, right up until you blow the damn engine, so Lana! I am not gonna blow Try clearing your throat about a jillion more times, Lana, see if that helps. No? Nothing? No no, by all means, let me do it You just sit there like the African Queen. The African Queen was the boat. - What? No it wasn’t, it was Audrey - Katherine. Whichever Hepburn, she was the queen. Of Africa. Yeah. The white queen of Africa. Yeah, back then Hollywood was pretty weird about the whole race thing Like, Amos and Andy were white, a white guy played Charlie Chan - Archer - Pretty sure Tonto was a Jew - Stop! What? ! Gator?! - Gator? - Talking! But I wish there was a gator! Hey c’mon, not even as a joke. - It so wasn’t. - Look, I said I was sorry! Tell all this wildlife you’re sorry when the pipeline blows up because we’re not there to protect it! A, all this wildlife can suck it! Every thing out here either wants to eat me or give me malaria! And B No thanks to you, Queen Audrey. Would you, just Okay, let’s set up a defensive perimeter. Yeah, right after I set up the grill. - Dammit Archer, will you - Hey! I just dragged this damn boat through a mile of my three biggest fears, so I think I’ve earned a kabob! Well, too bad! Your lab uses more electricity than the rest of ISIS put together. Yes, and I need every single watt! - No! - But, but I need We all have to pitch in to make ISIS green. Loot at me, chopping ice for a Tom Collins like a field hand. - But - Ooh, or do I want a mint julep? But the slightest reduction of power to my lab could put lives at risk! Lives of what, a few lab rats? Also, yes. Yeah, good, great idea Do the one thing that could possibly make it hotter. Ya gotta sear ‘em first, it locks in the flavor. And if you’re hot, and also somewhat bitchy, drink a beer. I don’t want a beer, I want water. Your funeral. God knows what kinda parasites are swimming around in it. Not swamp water, ass, bottled! - Oh you are shitting me - I know, right? A rainbow should shoot out every time you open it. You didn’t bring any water?! Where would I have put it? Great, I’ll just wait half an hour for a cup of ice to melt. - Dut dut dut dutm dut. - Oww, shit! What the [BEEP] shit is this? No, no, no, Lana. It’s dry ice! Hurry, put your hands in the swamp! Rrrgh! How ya doin, buddy? Because dry ice is something crazy like, negative a hundred degrees I need you, to not talk to me. I know, and I know you’re in a lot of pain, so just try to relax Why are you still talk ow! And say hi to Sister Morphine. Morphine?! Dammit, I don’t need That actually feels waaaay better. - Yeah? - Yeahhhh That actually feels better. Good, then get up. You’re sitting on the beer. Alright, so wait a second. What’re your three biggest fears? Nope. - C’mon - No, hush, I’m trying to fish. No, don’t shoot the fish. C’mon, this is a very fragile ecosystem. Too fragile to spare one trout? No, but Or bass or whatever, what’s in here? Nothing soon, if people like you keep destroying the environment. Wh-?! It’s one lousy fish! One lousy black rhino, one lousy Bengal tiger One lousy Lorax! Since when are you such a radical environmentalist? I’m not radical. Well, I mean not anymore. Back in the day, though Fur is murder! Fur is murder! Fur is murder! Fur is murder! How’s it feel to be a murderer?! Shall we find out? Lady, you don’t scare me MALORY Dear, this is a forty-four magnum. - You’re really not scared, are you? - Newp. Then how would you like a job? Three weeks later I was in Tunisia, killing a different man And how and why is that funny? Not that, I forgot about that afro. Hey, ya know what? I know you looked like Angela Davis had a lovechild with Sweet Lou Dunbar. Shut up You shut up, I’m trying to catch us some dinner. - Well, if you’d brought enough food - I wouldn’t have had room - for beer, and I since I can’t catch beer - Or a fish. Yes I can. Burt Reynolds is my spirit-guide. Did you say man-crush? No, I’m pretty sure it was shut up. What’re your three biggest fears? Getting stuck on a boat with you three times. Ooh, here we go. C’mere fishy, fishy. And while you eat humble pie with a side of crow, Lana I’ll be dining on trout. Waaaaagh! What the hell is that?! What the hell does it look like?! Shoot it! Shoot it! ARCHER Oh, so now it’s okay?! What happened to your fragile ecosystem?! Screw the damn ecosystem, shoot! You are such a hypocrite! I bet you probably eat veal! Did you see that?! And hear that, what is that, what’s that sound? Oh you are shitting me How did you shoot the boat?! Because I was bucking around like a rodeo clown in a barrel! Well did you hit the gator?! I dunno! - I mean, maybe - Great, so maybe he’s wounded. No, he’s definitely wounded. Oh right, I forgot he has an arrow, sticking out of his head! Yeah I think that’s what enraged him. And so now all twenty enraged feet of him is swimming around out there - In that inky black water - Into which we are currently sinking. Yeah, it’s not ideal. I mean, even if we had more shells, You only brought two shells?! No, I brought shitloads, thank you! Well where are they?! In the gear bags With your guns. And everything else. Still got the cooler though, so Thank God for small miracles, huh? Lana. Lana. Lanaaaa! What?! I said thank God for small miracles. I heard you. I know. Yeah, why dontcha have another one? Well, somebody’s got to. - And since you refuse to help - You don’t need help to get drunk! Oh please, it takes more than some three-two Or, wow, six percent beer to get Sterling Archer drunk. Six, really? Yeah, so lay off! There’s a giant wounded alligator out there, not to mention a dangerous - eco-terrorist - Holy shit, totally forgot about him. I didn’t But that’s even more reason for you to get on board with my new plan! Is it as idiotic as your other plan? That’s how brainstorming works, Lana! - It’s free-form, you come up with a lot of ideas - Yeah, like using the pipeline to set the entire swamp on fire. Which, yes, bad idea, but it got me thinking about chemical reactions! Like alcohol’s effect on the brain? No, like the reaction between solid carbon dioxide, also known as dry ice, of which we have plenty And a fun, sexy little molecule I like to call di-hydrogen monoxide. - Water? - Water. Combine them in a sealed container - and you’ve got yourself - Some kind of dry ice bomb? Arrgh, yes, ruiner of explanations. I was building to that, but yes. Well, we got plenty of water. No, the swamp’s too dirty, it’s full of whatever alligators shit out - which I can only assume it’s people. - They don’t eat people. - They eat people all the time. - They don’t. Last year, Sarasoni County Florida, Chett Willer, age 16, swimming in the Oak River Canal, killed by an 11 footer. Two years ago, *** County, Georgia, Ruth Baker, age 39, killed in her back yard by a 10 footer. Same year, Pinellas County Florida, Walter Jakes, age 70, and his dog, killed by a 12-footer. - Three years ago, Dade County - Archer! What?! What are your three biggest fears? Archer? Alligators, by far the biggest. And so you’ve memorized every fatal alligator attack? Just in the U. S., I can’t find any information on tacks in China. They only live here and China. Two different species. Chinese alligators are smaller, but their bellies are fully-armored so it kind of equals out and Can we change the subject?! Okay, what’s your second biggest fear? God, will ya just it’s crocodiles! Wait, do crocodiles even live here? Not here-here, but in the Everglades. That’s like, a thousand miles away. Well, three years ago they caught a 9-foot croc in the surf at Myrtle Beach so, ya know shit happens. Wow. Not sure I even wanna know what your third-biggest fear is - Brain aneurysm. - What? What does a brain aneurysm have to do with walking around in a swamp?! Nothing, it can happen anywhere. At any time. That’s why it’s terrifying. Oh my God okay, okay, so if the gator-poop water is too dirty Yeah, we need distilled water. Does your plan include finding some? Yes. But. But what. You’re not gonna like it. Do we have to distill our pee? I guess you can if you want. - But I was just gonna use this - There was bottled water in there the whole time?! Yeah, I just forgot. You forgot. Thanks, idiot! What, you still would’ve burned your hands reaching in here! Idiot! I hope an alligator attacks you at the exact second you have a brain aneurysm. How could you even say that?! That’s like me saying I hope you get cancer! What the hell is wrong with you?! I obviously don’t! But holy shit, Lana I pour my heart out, and you just throw it right back in my face? - Sorry. - Well, you should be. That’s wait, okay, what’s your biggest fear? - Newp. - Come on, I told you mine! I know. You lose. - I think your biggest fear is intimacy - Ha. When what you should be afraid of is falling in love with me again because of my awesomeness. Check this out. Wait, how do you light it? You don’t, the pressure just builds up until it explodes. How long does that take? Depends on how much water you add, we’re gonna need to dial it in. So you have no idea when that’s gonna go off. How could I? Aw, shit! - Asshole. - Did it getcha? - No! - Me neither. - Wow, again, small - Don’t! - Miracles. - Rrgh! How long was that? Oh I’m sorry, I forgot to time it! It’s okay, I forgot to measure it. So we’re both gonna need to do better. Every single one! To hell with the tax credits, I want every last one of those low-flow toilets out! Dump them on the street with those ridiculous light bulbs. Why do I have to carry the toilets? You know why. Because of the things that come out of your body. Oh shut up. Mister Bigmouth, telling her we have a women’s bathroom. Where I better never catch you again! Okay! Jeez, hostile work environment. Yeah, so everything’s back to normal. Is it?! I told you lives were at risk! Now behold the horror you have wrought! And Pam? If you’re dumping stuff on the street? This can all go. - What is it? - Shattered dreams. Smells like rotten meat. Also, yes. Yeah, there we go! Okay, I think we’ve got the recipe figured out! Yeah, that was actually pretty great. - Duh! - Shut up! - You shut up! Okay, I’ll get dry ice in the rest of the bottles, you be ready with the water, and we’ll wait for that big fat stupid gator to come back. Destroying his habitat isn’t enough? What? I would’ve been here sooner, but you stole my boat. Do you not understand how reservations work, or? Reserve this, Treebeard! Oh please, it’s not even loaded. - Wh-? Thanks Lana. - Shut up. - Hi, Josh. - Hello, Lana. You know each other?! Josh was my Environmental Policy T.A. When I was in college. And her lover Also, yes. Wait, I thought he was a Green Beret! I went to grad school on the G.I. bill. And that’s when I realized I had to lead the fight against the systematic rape of Mother Nature. But back then you just organized peaceful protests Like that day at the fur store where you disappeared without a trace. I guess I kinda found my calling. What, as a hired gun for the military- industrial complex? A traitor to the cause of environmental protection? Me? ! What about you?! - Always running around, blowing shit up - Threatening our supply - of lamp oil - Shut up, but Josh seriously, do you really think the ends justify such violent means? Yes! Because this is a war! And victory will only come when Americans will stop destroying the Earth just so they can drive bigger cars, build bigger houses, and eat bigger food! - So like, never. - Yeah. - Oh my God, that’s depressing - Sorry. And I’m also sorry we can’t let you blow up this pipeline. I wasn’t going to. Well then why I mean I was, but I saw you with this idiot, yelling on the plane about working for ISIS. So technically I saved the pipeline! Yeah, you’re the best. ARCHER Whatever, I win. Suck it, Samwise. - Archer - So, you need a lift back to land? - Yeah, lemme just grab my cooler and - Not you! Ass. Lana? Maybe we can grab dinner, see some Dixieland jazz? That sounds lovely. Oh c’mon, are you kidding me?! You’re really gonna leave me out here?! Yup! I like your new hairdo, by the way. Well if you like the collar, you’re gonna love the cuffs Well that’s just great. She gets dinner and Dixieland and laid, and I get mosquitos and no beer and not laid. How could this get any w Lemme finish, worse? Now, okay see, you ruined it. You ruined the moment.
 * Lana: Our mission is to stop an eco-terrorist from blowing up the biggest natural gas pipeline in North America, so I wouldn’t exactly call it a vacation.
 * Archer: Well whatever, working vacation. Cause I’m not too worried about some drum-circling hippie tree-hugger, Lana.
 * Stewardess: Sir, can you find your seat for me?
 * Archer: Yeah it’s right there.