Secrets and Pies (Milo Murphy's Law)

(The scene is the Murphy house. Milo grabs some ingredients from the fridge while Melissa and Zack look on.)

Milo: I have a secret! (Diogee jumps up onto a bar-stool.)

Zack: Milo, that's not how secrets work. You don’t just blurt it out.

Melissa: First, you have to hint that you have a secret, then you gotta wait for someone to ask you.

Zack: So, what's your secret?

Melissa: Like that.

Milo: I've been taking a cooking class at the local community college, or at least I was, till the ovens blew up. But I learned a lot. So I'm going to cook dinner for you guys!

Melissa: Milo and open flame? Now that's a recipe for some running and screaming.

(Milo turns on the stove. Zack ducks behind the kitchen bench)

Zack: What if we just order out? They can probably deliver right to the hospital where we'll be later.

(Milo grabs a deerstalker from his backpack and puts it on.)

Milo: Come on, guys. I got this.

Melissa: Wrong chapeau, chef de cuisine.

Milo: Oops. I had this silly thing set for sleuthing. (Milo shakes the hat inside out and it turns into a chef's hat) Here it goes. First thing, open the box. (Zack and Melissa quail with terror as Milo opens the box of mac and cheese.) Next, add dried noodles to boiling water.

(Milo puts the contents of the box into boiling water.)

Melissa: He's boiling water!

Zack: (Hiding in a cupboard) I know! Wait a second, it looks like he knows what he's doing.

(Milo successfully goes about preparing a fancy meal.)

Zack: You wear your backpack while you cook?

Milo: I wear it everywhere.

Zack: Everywhere?

Milo: Well, except for backpacking, I have a different backpack for that.

Zack: So, Chef Milo, what's your secret ingredient?

Milo: It's a secret. I don't want to ruin the surprise.

Melissa: What if it's not a secret and we can prepare for it instead?

Milo: Too late, it's already ready already. Here you go! Mac and cheese.

(Milo presents a tray with three bowls of mac and cheese.)

Zack: Wow! Impressive.

(The mac and cheese starts expanding out of the bowls.)

Milo: Uh-oh. Too much yeast.

(Diogee runs for it)

Zack: Yeast in mac and cheese?

Melissa: I guess now we know the secret in—

(A wave of mac and cheese catches up to Diogee and shoots him out the chimney. He lands in the back of a passing dump truck and makes himself at home. Milo finds himself stuck to the ceiling and, like everything else in his house, covered in mac and cheese.)

Milo: Surprise.

(He falls to the floor as Zack and Melissa extract themselves from the wall.)

Zack: It's in my nose.

Milo: You guys okay?

Melissa: Yeah. Like this is the first time we've ever been covered in cheese and stuck to a wall.

(Milo finishes cleaning up the last of the mac and cheese off a clock, that then falls to the floor and breaks. Zack and Melissa come around the corner wearing copies of Milo's wardrobe.)

Zack: Thanks for letting us borrow a change of clothes, Milo.

Milo: Is that what I look like?

Melissa: If you were two people, and one of you was a girl.

Zack: You know this outfit makes me feel happy.

Melissa: Really?

Zack: Yeah, there was a dollar in the pocket.

Melissa: Well, I think we look like a boy band.

Zack: No. We don't. We definitely don't look like a boy band.

Milo: Um, what have you got against boy bands?

Zack: Nothing! You know, it's just two words. Band. Boy. Boy. band. Ha ha. Who's hungry? Come on, let's ah, let’s go order some pizza. (Walks off hastily)

Melissa: Okay?

(Zack opens the computer.)

Zack: Luckily there's a place nearby. "Ye Olde Pizza". How does British pizza sound?

Melissa: A little standoffish but lovable?

(Zack types.)

Milo: Never had much luck with pizza deliveries at our house. If it shows up at all, it's usually on fire.

Zack: Let's give it a try anyway. It says it's guaranteed.

(On the computer, a dressed-up spokesman reveals a small dragon puppet in a pizza box that he then pretends to speak through.)

Spokesman: (to the tune of "Rule Britannia") Ye Olde Pizza, when you're tired of bangers and mash,  (speaking) but we got that too! Guaranteed delivery in one one-thousandth of a fortnight.

Zack: One one-thousandth of a fortnight?

(Melissa calculates on a calculator.)

Melissa: Twenty minutes and change.

Computer: Please wait while we connect you to your helpful pizza squire.

Veronica: Allo, allo, allo! Ye Olde Pizza. (looks again) Milo? I don't believe it! Is that you?

Milo: Veronica? How long have you been a pizza squire? I haven't seen you in like, three hundred fortnights.

Veronica: I know, right?

(Melissa starts using her calculator.)

Zack: Put the calculator down.

Veronica: It's been a long time. How are you? How's Diogee?

Melissa: Veronica who? I thought we knew all his friends.

Zack: I thought we were all his friends.

Veronica: Should I bring your favourite, pepperoni and sausage?

Milo: Make it a large and you can join us.

Zack: And a diet soda.

Veronica: Hey! Chop chop chop, chop away at...

(Zack shrieks as he hastily closes the laptop. He looks around nervously.)

Melissa: What was that?

Zack: (nervously) Oh. I, uh, you know, chops. Maybe they have chopped salad. Ha ha. I don’t know, do you want a chopped salad? I don't, I don't want a chop salad. Do you want one? But hey, Milo, huh? Who's this Veronica person?

Melissa: Yeah. Come on. Spill it, Murphy.

Milo: Let's just say that with Veronica delivering, the odds are much better that we'll actually get the pizza. And I'll let you in on another secret.

(Milo glances around, closes the curtains, and turns around the family portrait.)

Milo: (low) This isn't my backpack.

Melissa and Zack: What?!

("I Want a Girl with a Suit of Armour" begins. Veronica picks up the pizza for Milo.)

Singer: I want a girl with a suit of armour!

(She loads the pizza drink into the castle themed side car of her medieval motorcycle)

In chain-mail she’s a real renaissance charmer

(She takes off down the road)

She’s not the kind of girl who is easily rattled

(Veronica dodges a family of ducks crossing the road.)

She knows her way round a broadsword battle

(After giving the ducks a salute, she avoids a blocked alley by driving up some stairs)

I want a girl with a suit of armour now!

(She flies through a dragon movie in 3D poster before continuing down the road.)

First bystander: Wow, that’s some good 3D.

Second bystander: Mm-hmm.

(Cut back to the Murphy house. "I Want a Girl with a Suit of Armour" ends. Milo enters the garage with Melissa close behind.)

Melissa: Come on, Milo. Who's this Veronica person? You can't just drop a bomb like that and walk away.

(Zack follows them into the garage and spies a toy badger in a box)

Milo: You're the one who said some secrets are cool. I bet you have some.

(Zack prods Melissa with the badger)

Zack: (Badger voice) Come on, tell me your secrets. Tell them to me! Tell them to Mr. Badger.

Melissa: What are you doing?

Zack: I'm, I’m badgering you. (Badger voice) I'm a badger. (Normal voice) Is it workin'?

Melissa: Actually, it kind of is. (Zack throws away the badger) I do have a secret. Okay, this is not how I really look.

Zack: You mean you're —

Melissa: That's right, Zack. (Melissa takes off her mask and reveals that she is a robot.) I am a robot! (Milo and Zack run away in terror and escape under the garage door as it rises. Melissa breaks right through the door before it completely rises as she chases after them.) I am a robot! I am a robot! I am a robot!

Melissa: Zack. (Cut to a closeup of Zack's face, scrunched up in a fantasy) Zack?

(Cut to a wider shot. Zack returns his attention to Melissa.)

Zack: Huh?

Melissa: Zack? Are you okay?

Zack: Oh, right. I'm fine. So, Melissa, what's your secret?

Melissa: This is not how I really look. (Melissa takes off her mask and reveals that she is a robot) I am a robot! I am a robot! (Milo and Zack run away in terror and escape under the garage door as it rises. Melissa breaks right through the door before it completely rises as she chases after them.) I am a robot! I am a robot!

Zack: Melissa?

(This too was a fantasy. Cut to Melissa in reality.)

Imaginary Melissa: I am a robot!

Zack: Melissa!

Melissa: Oh, what?

Zack: What do you mean, this is not how you really look?

(Melissa takes out her two front teeth.)

Melissa: My two front teeth are fake. Caught a pop fly with my face.

(Melissa returns them and then smiles. Milo runs away in terror but doesn’t duck. He crashes into the retracting garage door and indents it. Cut to Veronica en route.)

Jim: Okay, everyone, we got an oil spill here. Highly flammable. Stay back.

Concepion: Hey, mister. That's not oil, that's molasses.

Jim: Really? Okay then.

(A person on a balcony barbecuing quickly flips a patty that caught fire off his balcony. It lands in the molasses spill, and the street goes up in flames.)

Jim: Why didn't you tell me molasses was flammable?

Concepion: I'm four!

(Veronica stops in front of the fire. The dump truck bearing Diogee drives on. His on-board stereo system is playing "Chop Away at My Heart".)

Truck driver: Chop, chop, chop, chop away at my heart.

(Diogee barks. The truck driver glances where Diogee is looking and sees the fire in his way.)

Truck Driver: Whoa! Timber!

(He swerves, and all the dirt in the back of the truck spills out and smothers the fire. Diogee barks and jumps off the truck into Veronica’s hands.)

Veronica: Diogee. You're a lot bigger than I remember. (She puts Diogee on the sidecar.) Here you go. Let's take you home. (drives off)

(Cut to Cavendish and Dakota at a pistachio silo. Dakota's finger is in it.)

Cavendish: This is the worst assignment yet. Stopping pistachios from leaking out of a silo.

Dakota: Yeah, but there are perks, check it out.

(Dakota removes his finger from the hole in the silo. He catches some pistachios that spill out and eats them.)

Cavendish: Stop that; you're making it worse! (Another larger hole opens in the silo) See?

(Dakota plugs the new hole with another finger. Veronica drives past,. and another hole opens.)

Dakota: Would you give me a hand here, or at least a finger?

Cavendish: Fine. Like this?

(Cavendish puts his finger over the new hole, and the silo bursts open, sending them flying.)

Dakota and Cavendish: Whoa!

(A wave of pistachios catches up with Veronica.)

Veronica: Hold on, Diogee. (Veronica jumps onto the sidecar as the motorbike smashes into a lamp-post.) Whoa! (They come to a stop) Well, Murphy's Law is in full force. What we need now is some power. We're going to have to improvise. Mints and diet soda. (Veronica puts some mints in the diet soda, shakes it, and ties it to the back of the sidecar.) Take cover, boy. Hold on to your tail!

(Veronica opens the diet soda with her sword. They rocket off. Cut back to the Murphy house.)

Milo: Guys. She's getting close. I can feel it.

Veronica: Milo! (cut to her) I'm coming in hot!

Milo: Battle stations, everyone! Melissa, fire extinguisher! Zack, trampoline!

(They take their stations, and Milo takes a rope, standing at the garage door opener.)

Milo: Ready?

Zack: Ready.

Melissa: Ready.

(Milo opens the garage door. The side car falls to pieces, and Veronica and Diogee are catapulted onto the trampoline. They are bounced into a pile of cardboard boxes. Milo pulls Veronica out on a skateboard. Melissa checks her watch.)

Melissa: One one-thousandth of a fortnight.

Zack And it's not even on fire.

(The pizza catches fire.)

Milo: Oh, spoke too soon. (Melissa grabs the fire extinguisher and puts out the fire. Milo checks on the pizza) But none the worse for wear. Everybody, this is Veronica. Veronica, these are my other two friends.

Veronica: Hello.

Melissa: Okay. So how do you guys know each other?

Milo: Veronica was my last babysitter.

Veronica: Last babysitter standing.

Melissa and Zack: Ohh.

Milo: She was the only one smart enough (show a still of younger Veronica holding baby Milo away from a smashed ceiling fan) and resourceful enough for the job. (show a still of Veronica holding up a falling bookcase) She had a backpack (show a still of Veronica deflecting a blast of water with a pan, Milo in her backpack) that just happened to have exactly what we needed to fix (show a still of Veronica and Milo accosted by an angry dog, then another of them pacifying it with dog snacks) any disaster. (Milo slides down a zip-line on Veronica's backpack into her arms) Murphy's Law is strong, but she was stronger, (the Murphy house is obliterated) because of that backpack.

Melissa: And that's her backpack.

Milo: That's right.

Veronica: He earned it. I better go back and get that drink. I had to use your diet soda and some mints to improvise an afterburner.

Zack: Don't make that trip again on my account.

Veronica: Oh, no, it's my pleasure. I was a huge fan of the Lumberzacks. Gotta go. Chop chop chop. (Veronica blows Zack a kiss. She exits the garage and then whistles, attracting an ostrich, which she mounts and rides away) I'll be back with a soda in a few!

(Milo and Melissa look askance at Zack.)

Zack: …So… pizza?

Milo: I don't get it. How did she know your name? And what the heck is a Lumberzack?

Zack: Heh. I guess we'll never know.

Melissa: Unless we just look up "Lumberzacks, Chop Chop Chop" on the Internet.

(Melissa plays a video on her computer. "Chop Away at My Heart" begins.)

Zack: Oh no.

Melissa: Oh, this is going to be good.

(The video is presented to the audience as “Chop Away at my Heart / The Lumberzacks / Swampenmire Records”.)

Zack: I know you're pining

But every cloud has got a silver lining

The leaves are parting; now the sun is shining!

And you’re in my arms, so the planets are aligning.

The Lumberzacks: My heart is strong, like a tree,

And you belong, baby, you belong to me.

Without you, I'm tied to the ground,

And if I fall, do I even make a sound?

Chop, chop, chop, chop away at my heart.

I can feel it falling

Backup Singers: Timber!

Lumberzacks: And I will never part.

I know you; you've been there from the start,

So, baby, chop, chop, chop,

Zack: chop away at my heart.

Lumberzacks: Na, na na na, na na na na na na na

Na, na na na, na na na na na na na

Na, na na na, na na na na na na na

Na, na na na, na na na na na na na

Zack: Chop, chop, chop, chop away at my heart.

(Return to the Murphy household. "Chop Away at My Heart" continues.)

Milo: He’s so sensitive.

Melissa: I know, right?

Zack: Please turn it off. I will give you this dollar I found in your pocket.

Milo: Oh, you can keep that.

(Return to the music video.)

Zack: So, baby, chop, chop, chop, chop away at my heaaaaaaaaaaaaart!

Backup Singers: Chop, chop, chop, chop away at my heart!

Zack: Yeaaaaaaaahhhhh!

Lumberzacks: I can feel it fallin’.

Backup Singers: Timber!

Zack: And I will never part.

Backup Singers: I know you;

Lumberzacks: You’ve been there from the start,

So, baby, chop, chop, chop,

Zack: Chop away at my heart!

(Cut back to the Murphy house. Milo sets down the pizza, and Zack takes a slice.)

Melissa: You were in a lumberjack-themed boy band.

Zack: We were regionally famous. The lumberjack thing was not my idea. My mom had a bunch of flannel and… (sighs in disgust and embarrassment)

Milo: But you were in a band!

Melissa: It’s really cool Zack.

Milo: Hey! We should start a band.

Melissa: I can play the bass.

Zack: That’s cool.

Milo: And I’ve got an accordion

Zack: Potentially cool, in a hipster kind of way.

(Diogee barks twice. Cut to reveal that Diogee is siting on the pizza.)

Zack: And now we have to order another pizza.

(Diogee barks again. The end.)