Web of Lies

1 Okay, guys, my SA score's been posted online. My entire college future depends on what happens in the next minute. Hold up. Don't check them yet. Don't check them yet. It's Kira, and I am live with my baby, who is about to get her SAT scores! And this is what it looks like when someone gets a perfect score of 1600! Although, I'd also be happy with a 1590! And I'm okay with a 1580. "Dear K. C. Cooper, your SAT score is 1060"? Is 1060 a good SAT score? 1060? No way. We got the exact same score! We're SAT twins! Aah, no! I'll take that as a no. Oh, when danger comes for you You know I'll stand beside you 'Cause ain't nobody keep their head so cool I always find a way, a way out of the fire But don't tell nobody, tell nobody I'm not perfect, so many things I Want to tell you, but I I keep it undercover Living my life on red alert Doing my thing, gonna make it work Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless But I always got your back Nobody can do it like I can I got to find out who I am Ain't got to worry about me It's all part of the plan I keep it undercover I keep it undercover I don't understand how this could happen to me. I've been taking practice SAT tests since I was in, like, third grade for fun. - (Marisa) It doesn't make any sense. - Thank you. What kind of third grader thinks it's fun to take an SAT practice test? The kind that should've gotten a 1600, not a 10 1060. It doesn't makes sense, you know? I mean, how could someone as smart as me get the same score as you? No offense. Oh, none taken. You may not like your 1060, but I'm lovin' mine. My parents are actually talking about buying me a car. I need to stop obsessing over this test, okay? Maybe we should talk about something else. You know, anything else. Well, there has been a favor I've been meaning to ask you. Yeah, for sure, just name it. Okay. I was wondering if you would you be willing to talk to The Organization about officially recruiting me? (Laughing) You want them to recruit Oh, Marisa, that's good. Thank you. I really needed a good laugh. Oh, you're serious. Look, you're always telling me to set goals for myself, and I think I would be a good spy. I mean, let's face it. I look amazing in wigs. Yeah, Marisa, but there's a little bit more to it than that. So I'll learn. Okay, um how do I put this? Uh, you're just not exactly what they're looking for. Meaning? Meaning The Organization has, like, a certain standard. Like? Like in the area of cognitive thinking. - Not following. - Book learning. Still not gettin' it. Yeah, that's kind of the problem. Um, sometimes you tend to just not get it. (Chuckles) Wait, I'm sorry. Are you saying that I'm not smart enough to be a spy? Okay, um, how do I put this nicely? Um no, no, you're not. That's the nicely-est way you could have put it? It's nice Okay, I may not be good with fancy words, but don't forget, I am the one who saved your family from the abandoned hospital. I am the one who came up with the plan to catch that bird smuggler in Rio. Oh, and what's that other thing? Oh, yeah. I'm the one who has the same exact SAT score as you. That's not the nicely-est thing you could've said! Hi, Ernie. Zoe. What are you doing here? I got assigned a mission to take down some smugglers operating out of a warehouse. I get to pick a partner, and I was thinking this Friday night maybe we could I'd love to go on a mission with you. - Great. It's a date. - All right. It's a date? It's a date It's a date It's a date What are you so excited about? Wait. Never mind. I don't care. It's a date It's a date Hmm. With any luck, the bad guys will stay locked up forever. Yeah, for sure. And hopefully those bad guys will stay locked up forever. K. C. , if I wanted to talk to someone that doesn't listen to me, I have a husband. I'm sorry. It's just my head's not really in it today. Oh, well, why don't I call Crime and tell it to take the day off? I'm kind of freaked out about my SAT scores. I mean, I did so good on my practice tests. It just It doesn't make sense. I know a 1060 for a student like you must be disappointing, but you've got a lot on your plate. Wait a minute. How did you know my score? - You just told me. - No, I didn't. - Yes, you did. - No, I didn't. - Yes, you did. - No, I did not. I can't even say that score out loud. I can't even listen to my favorite radio station anymore, 1059 Plus One. K. C. , I really feel for you. I know how upsetting this must be. But don't let it get you down, honey. Thank you, Beverly. I appreciate that. That's, like, the sweetest thing you've You hacked into the system and lowered my score, didn't you? That is absolutely not true. I had Phil from I. T. do it. Why would you guys do this to me? K. C., less than one percent of the population gets a perfect SAT score. It would put a spotlight on you. I got a perfect score? Perfect score! I knew it! And no one else will. Including the schools that I applied to. How am I supposed to get into the college of my choice? We invested a lot in you. Our choice is that you don't go at all. Yeah, well, I don't really think that's your decision to make. Tell you what, you want a diploma, we'll get you any diploma you want. Just name it. Harvard? Princeton? You want to keep it real? Howard? I can print it out for you right now. And it's really authentic. Look. That's how I got mine. Well, I found out why my score was so low. Beverly had it changed. She what? That's it. I'm going down there and straightening out her wig. No, no, Mom. Okay? I got a better idea, okay? I'll just introduce her to a couple of my friends Betty and Joan. K. C. , relax, and stop naming your fists. If Beverly did it, she probably had a good reason. Dad, why are you defending her? You're supposed to be on my side. Well (Mumbles) Unless you knew about it, didn't you? Didn't you? No, of course not. Craig, tell her. You did, didn't you? (Pitch rising) No. This is the first time I heard about it. Dad, any time you lie to me, your voice goes up two octaves. - (High pitch) No, it doesn't. - Yeah, you're lying. (Higher pitch) I am not! Dad, come on, how could you do this to me? Look, it was totally innocent. One minute I was having coffee with Beverly, the next thing you know, I was hacking into the system and changing your scores. She told me Phil from I. T. did it. (High pitch) I know. Right, I tried to stop him, but he told me Okay, look, what does it even matter? College is supposed to prepare you for a good job, a good career. You already have a great career. - I know. - Okay. I mean, I don't know. Look, it's my decision to make, okay? I don't even know what to say to you. Look, K K. C. Well, I do. Craig Cooper, how dare you? You don't discuss your daughter's future with your boss, you discuss it with your wife. (K. C. ) And your daughter! Come on. Why does K. C. even need to go to college? She's brilliant. It's just four more years of stuff she already knows. It's also four years where she can have a little fun. Discover who she is. I mean, when else is she going to live in a dorm and learn to get along with a roommate she doesn't like? That is good experience. For what? For when she gets married! Mmm. Ah. Ernie, you Wow. That stinks. Yet it's still better than it usually smells in here. What you getting all fancy for? You going on a date? Zoe asked me out on a solo mission. Ooh. Your first solo mission with a girl. Please. I've been on solo missions with girls before. I meant one that wasn't a blood relative. K. C. and Mom are already mad at you. You really wanna go three for three? Good point. Ernie, I'm gonna give you a little fatherly advice, okay? You're might be a little nervous, but just remember, she already likes you. She picked you for this mission, so you go in there with a little confidence. Thanks, Dad. I really appreciate you building me up. Ah, that's what fathers are for. Now you get back in the shower. The bad guys are gonna smell you coming a mile away. Mmm. So, I have decided to be the bigger person and forgive you. It was either that or find a new best friend. And, frankly, I'm just too lazy for that. Plus you missed me? You know you did. You missed me. - You missed me. - And I missed you. So you want to grab a movie later? I would, but I gotta get some rest. I gotta sneak out in the middle of the night. What? You have no idea how long I've waited to hear you say those words. So what kind of trouble you getting into? Re-taking my SATs. And you ruined it. It turns out, I did get a perfect score. Oh, yay. But The Organization changed it because they don't want me going to college. So my last chance to take it is tomorrow, but it's all the way in upstate New York, and it's first thing in the morning. Interesting. You want to go to college, but The Organization is trying to stop you. Sort of like how I want to be a spy and you're trying to stop me. You're just not cut out to be a spy, okay? Well, maybe you're not cut out to go to college. Well, what does that mean? That I think I would be a lot better at going undercover than you would be at getting into a sorority or having fun at a college party. Like I would ever go to a sorority or parties. Then what is the point of even going to college? To learn! (Laughs) To learn! That is good. And I'm the one who's not smart. Okay, Marisa, look, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, okay? No, you know what? Just stop apologizing, 'cause clearly you're not sorry. So take the test or don't. Go to college or don't. Keep stomping on people's dreams with your gigantic feet or don't. I really don't care anymore. Okay, I understand you're mad. Doesn't mean you have to talk about my gigantic feet! I mean, my regular, proportionately sized feet. Hey, why aren't you using our bathroom? (Speaking angrily, words unclear) Oh, come on. You're not still mad at me, are you? (Speaking angrily, words unclear) Hey, hey, hey, that kind of language is uncalled for. Craig, you made a decision about K. C. 's future without me. We're supposed to be a team. Now, last I checked, there's no "U" in team. Don't you mean "I"? You keep correcting me, and there'll be no you in our bedroom. Okay. I made a mistake. I'm sorry. Really. Well, I am not the only one you owe an apology. K. C. was really upset, and she hasn't been out of her room all night. (Craig) All right, I'll go talk to her. No, Craig, just just let her cool down. Guess you're right. Like she'd ever try to kick me out of our bedroom. Ha! Homey don't play that! Ahh. Whoa! (Coughing) Oh, Ernie! This is athlete's foot spRay! At the corner, turn left. There should be a vent that you can access. (Zoe) I don't know why you insisted on staying behind in the van. I like staying behind. I happen to have the perfect behind for it. I'm in. Oh, no. I've been compromised. Ernie, I need Zoe, are you okay?! Okay, Ernie, time to put on your big boy pants and go save your woman. I mean, partner. Hang on, Zoe, your partner-man is coming! - So where we going? - Oh! Judy, what are you doing in the car this late at night? Taking all the change from the cup holder. Agent Craig thinks the valet parker at The Organization is doing it. At this rate, we're only a couple of quarters away from them throwing hands. (Laughing) Now what are you doing in the car this late at night? Okay, looks like we should be there in plenty of time for me to sign in and take my SAT. So thanks for not ratting me out, Judy. You don't say squat about those quarters, I don't say squat about this. Besides, I'm your sister. And if you can't count on me, then who can you count on? You know, if you could feel that, I know you'd be touched. But I can't, so stop touching me. (Cell phone rings) - (Beeps) - Hey, Beverly. (Beverly) I have a mission for you, K. C. We need you to fly in to Paris to extract an agent that's been compromised. Uh, I'm a little busy right now. Can we move it to tomorrow? (Chuckling) Okay. Sure, no problem. Could you do me favor and jot this number down? 202-555-0155. Okay, what number is that? That's the agent's wife. You can call her and find out where she'll want the body sent. Sarcasm noted. Look, uh, Beverly, I'm with Marisa right now, and she has me on this road trip to some outlet mall in upstate New York to save a dollar on a pair of leggings. Look, I just I don't think I'm going to make it there in time. Well, see what you can do, K. C. If you can't make it, I guess I'll have to send in Garcia. Okay, um, I'll do my best to get there in time. So parking the car is your way of doing your best to get there? I don't know what to do, okay? Maybe I should listen to Beverly and go back, or maybe I shouldn't, because this is my last time to take my SAT, and without the right score, I can't get into the college of my choice. But Beverly doesn't want me to go to college, which isn't fair, because I don't even know what I want to do. It's just I mean, it's ridiculous. I knew I would have to make a decision about my future. I just didn't think it would have to be this very second. I don't really know what to do. What does your gut tell you? To throw up that truck stop veggie burger I just ate. Truckers don't eat veggie burgers. What was I thinking? Okay, what does your head tell you? That if I stop thinking about the veggie burger that maybe I won't throw up. I think you need to talk this through with someone. How about your mom? (Kira's voice) Baby, keep driving. If anyone was meant for college, it's you. Fine, how about your dad? (Craig's voice) K. C., do what you gotta do. But I prefer you do what I want you to do. Turn this car around! College is not for you! Or your brother. (Ernie's voice) Wow, you must really be desperate if you're coming to me for help. Or you could just take my advice. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Just do what you think is right for you. Thanks, Judy. - You know what? - (Engine starts) I know exactly what direction I'm heading. (Ernie) Don't worry, Zoe. I'm here to save you. (Thud) (Groans) As soon as someone saves me. Ernie, you got company. Freeze, or I'll shoot! Or should I say, "Freeze, and please don't shoot"? Get him, Ernie. Rrrr! Rrrr! (Whimpering) (Man grunts) All right, now you're starting to tick me off. Good one, Ernie. Time for a party favor. (Zoe) Whack him! Whack him till candy comes out of his ears! Now tie him up. Good job, Ernie. Thanks. (Growling) Oh, no, Look out, Ernie! Thanks for saving me, Ernie. It was my pleasure. You were awesome. I was, wasn't I? I was confident. No, not was. I am confident. In fact, I have something I want to ask you. Zoe, would you be my girlfriend? Really? Yes. We're good together, and I'd make a great boyfriend. I'm sweet and caring and fun. And I really like you. Oh, Ernie. I'd love to be your girlfriend. All right. But, unfortunately, I've been assigned to a mission in Antarctica for the next four years. Oh. Will you wait for me? Well, I spent the first 16 years solo. What's another four? Hey, Marisa. Okay, I deserved that, but I owe you an apology. Okay, another apology. Okay, another, another apology. But this time, I really mean it. Okay, I'm listening. I just want to say that I'm sorry that I didn't take you seriously when you said you wanted to be a spy. Ah, I knew you'd come around. So you are going to put in a good word for me with The Organization. Thank you. Uh, no. Marisa, I'm sorry. I don't think you're understanding me. I mean, I don't feel bad that I said no. I just feel bad about the way that I said it. I should have never said that you weren't smart. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, this is all wrong. I want the kind of apology where you admit you're wrong, try to buy back my affection with a Kleckner's gift card, and then give me what I want! Marisa, you're not meant to be a spy, okay? If anybody was meant for college, it's you. And not just because you're fun at parties. College would be a great time for you to blossom and come into your own. College is what you think I want, K. C. What about what I really want? I don't really think you know what you want. And know what I want? Yes, and it's not being a spy. So in other words, you're making the choice for me. That's really interesting, 'cause all you've been about is not having other people make choices for you. Marisa, I'm just trying to protect you. Well, maybe I don't need protecting. Maybe I'm not the dumb, weak friend that you seem to think I am. Marisa, I didn't mean to And you don't care about protecting me. It is all about you and what you want. It is always about you, and I am so sick of it. So you know what? I am making a choice. I'm backing off this friendship. I'm taking a break from you. Marisa, can we just talk? (Chimes) Oh, man, it's time. It's time. It's time. Okay, this is not a drill. This is not a drill. (Exhales, clears throat) "Dear K. C. Cooper, your SAT score is" What's up, Dad? Hey. What you so happy about? Um, nothing. Is everything okay? Yeah. I mean, I'm not keeping score or anything, but, uh, yeah, everything is perfect. (Woman) Rob, your name's on TV!