The Crepes of Wrath


 * Bart: Hello, what have we here? A cherry bomb! I thought I blew all you guys up.


 * Milhouse: So you're gonna flush it?
 * Bart: What can I say? I got a weakness for the classics.


 * Agnes: You certainly have done awfully well for yourself, Spanky.
 * Skinner: (quietly) Mother, please don't call me Spanky on school grounds.


 * Marge: Homer, Principal Skinner is here.
 * Homer: Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. I'd get up, but the boy crippled me.


 * Skinner: Have you considered deportation?
 * Homer: What??
 * Skinner: No, hear me out. I have considered sponsoring Bart for a foreign exchange program in France. Normally this program is for outstanding students, but in Bart's case...I am willing to make an exception. The program will be for one semester. In that time most people can grasp the language. Bart...should learn enough to get by. If you grant permission would you be willing to host a foreign student in return?
 * Homer: Hey! How do I know that some headmaster in France isn't pulling the same scam on us we are attempting on them?
 * Skinner: Well for one, you will not be getting a French boy. You would be hosting an Albanian.
 * Homer: You mean all white with pink eyes?


 * Marge: Bart, how would you like to spend the next three months living in France?
 * Bart: France? Wow!
 * Homer: [in the living room with Principal Skinner] He makes me crazy twelve months a year. At least you get the summer off.
 * Skinner: Mm-hmm.
 * Bart: And I'd get to take a plane there, wouldn't I, Mom?
 * Marge: Yes, Bart.
 * Bart: Wow, and one back?
 * Marge: Mm-hmm. Well, Bart seems very enthusiastic about the idea.
 * Homer, Skinner: Yes! Yes! Way to go, baby!
 * Homer: Bon voyage, boy!


 * Marge: Goodbye, my special, my special little guy. You will write us, won't you?
 * Bart: All the time.
 * Lisa: What do you know about France?
 * Bart: I know I'm going and you're not.
 * Homer: I'm gonna miss you, son. And listen, while you're seeing all those great sights, always remember that you're representing your country. I guess what I'm saying is...don't mess up France the way you messed up your room.


 * C&eacute;sar: Welcome to your new home.
 * Ugolin: Escape is impossible.
 * C&eacute;sar: My name is C&eacute;sar, this is my nephew Ugolin. You may find life here at the Chateau hard. But if you shut up and do exactly what we say, the time will pass more quickly.
 * Ugolin: He's right, you know.
 * Bart: Well, okay, sir.


 * Ugolin: [in French with English subtitles] [Ugolin rummages through Bart's suitcase] Cesar, look! We are rich!
 * C&eacute;sar: [in French with English subtitles] [holding up a Krusty the Clown T-shirt] These won't fit us, but we can sell them.
 * Ugolin: [in French with English subtitles] And a red hat for you, Maurice!
 * Bart: Hey, come on guys. Quit being so grabby! [Cesar and Ugolin give Bart a frightening snarl] Sorry man, be my guest.


 * C&eacute;sar:Hurry up, boy. My grapes are waiting for their water!
 * [Bart grunts as he carries a yoke with two pails full of water, a canteen around his neck, and some wool]


 * Skinner: You may find his accent peculiar. Certain aspects of his culture may seem absurd, perhaps even offensive. But I urge you all to give little Adil the benefit of the doubt. In this way, and only in this way, can we hope to better understand our backward neighbors throughout the world.
 * [The students clap as Adil stands up on the podium.]
 * Adil: Thank you, Principal Skinner. Thank you, fellow students. Although I have only been in your country a few days, I have already found Americans to be most... trusting. Although, officially, I am required to hate you, I want you to know I do not feel it in my heart.


 * Adil: How can you defend a country where 5% of the people control 95% of the wealth?
 * Lisa: I'm defending a country where people can think and act and worship any way they want.
 * Adil: Can not.
 * Lisa: Can too.
 * Adil: Can not.
 * Lisa: Can too.
 * Homer: Please, please, kids. Stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being a land of opportunity, and maybe Adil has a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.
 * Adil: Your father is right., we should not fight. Friends?
 * Lisa: Well, okay.
 * Marge: Well, now that that's settled, I'll just clear the dishes.
 * Adil: No no, Mrs. Simpson, you have been oppressed enough for today. I will clear the dishes.
 * Marge: Oh, okay.
 * Homer: Did you see that? You know, Marge, this is the way I've always wanted it to be. We've become a fully functioning family unit. We've always blamed ourselves, but I guess it's pretty clear which cylinder wasn't firing.
 * Marge: Homer!
 * Lisa: [angrily] Your paper-thin commitment to your children sends shivers down my spine. May I please be excused?
 * Marge: [upset] Lisa!
 * Homer: Oh, she's just jealous. She'll get over it, and if she doesn't, we can always exchange her. [Homer laughs]
 * Marge: Homer!
 * Homer: Just kidding.


 * Ugolin: [in French] Bel et bien saucisse. [English subtitle: Mmm. Good sausage.]
 * C&eacute;sar: Oui, tres; passez-moi le vin. [English subtitle: Yes. pass me the wine.]
 * Bart: Can I please have something to go with my turnip?
 * C&eacute;sar: Quiet! When you work like a man, then we will feed you like one!
 * Ugolin: Now, go to sleep!
 * [Bart groans as he heads for the hay pile, only to have Maurice the donkey arrive before him]
 * Bart: [drowsily] Hey, hey, come on, move it, pal.
 * C&eacute;sar: You leave Maurice alone! The floor is good enough for you! You go to sleep there!


 * Homer: Nice and cozy, Adil?
 * Adil: Yes, thank you, Father.
 * Homer: Look, Adil, you can call me dad.
 * Adil: All right, dad.
 * Homer: Aww, you caled me dad.
 * Adil: Dad, do you think I could come visit you at the nuclear power plant?
 * Homer: You want to see where I work?
 * Adil: Oh yes, very much.
 * Homer: [sniffles] None of my biological kids ever wanted to see me at work.
 * Adil: Then I can go?
 * Homer: Well, I'll have to pull a few strings with the boys in security, but sure, you bet.
 * Adil: [in a slightly sinister voice with his fingers folded] Excellent.


 * C&eacute;sar: Now, watch me. [Cesar is holding a bunch of grapes] You grab the grape between your thumb and forefinger, and gently twist it off and drop it in the bucket. [he twists a grape off the cluster] Now you do it. [Bart follows the example shown to him by Cesar] Very good, now do it a million times!


 * Homer: See these? American donuts: glazed, powdered, and raspberry-filled. Now how's that for freedom of choice? [Homer chuckles]


 * Adil: Dad, do you think I might see your plutonium isolation module?
 * Homer: Uh, maybe; hold on a second. Hey, Lenny! Does this place have one of those plutonium isolation deals?
 * Lenny: Yeah, over in Sector 12.
 * Homer: Sector 12?
 * Lenny: Third floor, by the candy machines.
 * Homer: Oh, that Sector 12. Come along, Adil.


 * [Bart looks around, and thinking that nobody is watching him, eats one of the grapes, only to be caught by Ugolin]
 * Ugolin: Ungrateful swine! We give you food, we give you shelter, and this is how you repay us!?


 * Marge [from the letter she has written to Bart]: Dear Bart, how is France? I don't know why you haven't written; I guess you're having too much fun.
 * Bart [coughing]: Yeah, right.
 * C&eacute;sar: Silence!
 * Marge [the letter's narration continues]: Everyone here in the United States is fine. We think Maggie may say her first word any day now. Lisa got an 'A' in math-- which I'm only mentioning as news, I'm not putting you down-- and your father... well... last night he went to sleep talking about how much he loves you, [Bart sniffles] Remember to dress warm and try to be as helpful as you can to your adopted parents.
 * Bart [simultaneously with Marge]: All your love,
 * Marge [simultaenously]: All my love,
 * Bart, Marge: Mom.


 * [Bart sneezes outside the window]
 * C&eacute;sar: What are you doing? Get out of here!
 * Bart: Sorry. [Bart starts to walk away from the window]
 * C&eacute;sar  [gasps]: On second thought, Bart... Bart, come here. [In French, to Ugolin] Regarde, je te parie, que &ccedil;a va m&ecirc;me pas le rendre aveugle. [Subtitled translation: Watch, I bet it won't even blind him.]
 * C&eacute;sar: Drink this.
 * Bart: Uh, no thanks.
 * C&eacute;sar: Do not worry, this is France, it is customary for children to take a little wine now and then.
 * Bart [nervously]: Yeah, but it's got anti-freeze in there...
 * C&eacute;sar: Drink it! [Bart reluctantly drinks the tainted wine and burps]


 * C&eacute;sar [in French, to Ugolin]: Qu'est ce que t'avais dit? Maintenant, vais nous chercher un caisse de antifreeze au magasin. [Subtitled English translation: He sees well enough. Now go buy a case of antifreeze.]
 * Ugolin [in French]: Mais il pleut. Est qu'on peut attendre et faire le vin demain? [Subtitled English translation: But it is raining outside. Let's make the wine tomorrow.]
 * C&eacute;sar: [in French]: On a d&eacute;j&agrave; perdu trois jours. [Subtitled English translation: We have already waited three days.]
 * Ugolin [in French]: Alors, envoyez le gar&ccedil;on! [Subtitled English translation: Then send the boy!]
 * [Cesar and Ugolin have a sinister chuckle]
 * C&eacute;sar: Oh, Bart!


 * Bart [moans as the address gets washed away by the rain]: Ohhh...
 * Bart [shivering while standing underneath a restaurant canopy]: You're a policeman, aren't you?
 * Gendarme: Excusez-moi, je ne parle pas anglais. [I'm sorry, I do not speak English.]
 * Bart: But- but you gotta help me; these two guys I'm staying with, they work me day and night, they don't feed me, they make me sleep on-
 * Gendarme: Gentil gar&ccedil;on, voil&agrave; un bonbon. [Have a piece of candy, little boy.]
 * Bart [coughing]: I don't want a piece of candy, I need your he- [Bart eats the piece of candy] Come on, mister, can you help me?
 * Gendarme: Je suis d&eacute;sol&eacute;. J'aimerai vraiment pouvoir vous aider. [I'm sorry. I would really like to help you.]
 * Bart: Oh, forget it. I'm so stupid. Anybody could have learned this dumb language by now. Here I've listened to nothing but French for the past-
 * Bart [starts speaking in fluent French]: Deux mois et je ne sais pas un mot. Attendez! Je parle français maintenant. Incroyable. Hé, monsieur. Tu dois m'aider. Ces deux gars me travaillent nuit et jour. Ils ne me nourrissent pas, ils me font dormir sur le sol. Ils ont mis de l'antigel dans le vin et ils ont donné mon chapeau rouge à l'âne. [Two months and I haven't learned a word! Wait! I'm talking French now! Incredible! Hey, monsieur, you got to help me! These two guys work me night and day. They don't feed me. They make me sleep on the floor. They put antifreeze in the wine and they gave my red hat to the donkey.]
 * Gendarme: Antifreeze en vin? Ah, mais c'est serieux, &ccedil;a! Viens avec moi, fiston. Tu n'as plus rien a creindre. [Anti-freeze in the wine? That is a very serious crime! Come along, boy, there is nothing for you to fear now.]
 * Bart: Mon sauveteur, vous aurez toujours un touriste Americain. [My saviour, you will always have a place in my heart.]


 * [last lines]
 * Bart: So, basically, I met one nice French person.
 * Lisa: Bart, I have something to say that's gonna bother me if I don't say it: It's good to see you.
 * Bart: Same here.
 * Marge: Homer, I'd love a glass of that wine Bart brought us.
 * Homer [grunting]: Sorry,Marge, some wise guy stuck a cork in the bottle.
 * Bart [in French]: Ah, mon pere, quel bouffon. [My father, what a buffoon.]
 * Homer: You hear that, Marge? My boy speaks French!