Fusion Cuisine

[Open Int. Beach House]

(Steven and Connie are watching TV on Steven's bed.)

Lady: Doctor, it's my son. There was an accident. I-

Doctor: I know what we have to do. Nurse!

Nurse: Yes, doctor?

Doctor: Prep the patient for emergency surgery. We're gonna go... under the knife.

Connie: *screams happily* Ugggggh!!!! This show is so good! Aaah! Thank you so much for letting me watch "Under the Knife" here, Steven.

Steven: How come you can't watch the show at home?

Connie: My mom says this doesn't represent a real emergency room.

Nurse: How did his legs... get into... his brain?!

Connie: She just doesn't understand that it's satire. *Cellphone ringing*

Steven: Is that your phone?

Connie: It's probably my mom. *Checks phone* Called it. *Puts on glasses and clears throat* Hi, Mother. It's Connie. Mm-hmm. Yes, ma'am. I'm at the home of Steven Universe. Mm-hmm. Yes, ma'am. We're-- we're just hanging out. Oh... Steven's parents. They're, uh-- they're in the other room. You would like to talk to Steven's mom? Oh, okay. Hold on a moment.

Steven: That's gonna be pretty hard since my mom gave up her physical form to make me.

Connie: I can't tell her that!

(They both run down the stairs, breathing heavily.)

Steven: Garnet, quick-- you have to pretend to be my mom to Connie's mom.

Garnet: *Takes the phone* Hello. This... is Mom Universe. Yes. The children are playing swords. Sorry-- playing with swords. They're bleeding. Oh, no. They are dead. Don't call again. *Hangs up the phone and hands it back to Steven* Sorry. I panicked.

(Steven and Connie both look shocked.)

[Trans. int. Beach House, sometime later]

Steven: *On the phone with Connie while dressing a cake* What do you mean, your mom won't let you come over? It's the midseason pre-finale of "Under the Knife"!

Connie: *In her house* Steven, my parents are really upset. They say they will not let me see you again until they meet both of your parents in person.

Steven: But that's impossible!

Connie: I know, but they want both of our families to go out together for dinner.

Steven: *puts cheeseballs on the cake* It sounds so... adult. I wonder if Fish Stew Pizza will take reservations for-- *Counting on fingers* Pearl, Garnet, Dad, Amethyst-- all eight of us.

Connie: You can't bring everybody!

Steven: Why not?

Connie: Because... because... I told my parents you have a nuclear family!

Steven: Nuclear?! Sure, they make stuff blow up sometimes, but that's because they're magic, not radioactive!

Connie: Steven, "nuclear" means two adults and their child and/or children. My parents think you live with your mother and father.

Steven: But none of that is true. You never told your mom and dad about the Crystal Gems?

Connie: No, and it has to stay that way. If they find out I lied to them, they'll never let me hang out with you again.

[Trans. int. Beach House, sometime later]

Greg: *Grunting* *Struggling to put on sweater* Ahh.

Steven: *Pacing in front of the Crystal Gems* How am I supposed to choose just one of you to bring to dinner? You're all so... cool!

Pearl: Why does it have to be dinner? We get all the energy we need from our gems, and while our human constructs are capable of eating, I find it very uncomfortable.

Amethyst: I love eating! *Chuckles* Feels weird. *pulls out chips from bag then munches on them*

Steven: Okay, okay, okay. Let's focus. Which of you would make the best and most nuclear mom? Garnet, you keep us safe by scaring off the bad guys, just like a mom would. But you're not the best conversationalist. Amethyst, you would be a super fun mom!

Amethyst: *Munching, picking nose and drooling*

Steven: Can moms be gross?

Amethyst: Why not? *Pulls a strand of mucus out of nose*

Steven: Pearl! You're always worried about me, you teach me lots of stuff, you're approachable, and you're, like, totally not gross.

Amethyst: *Munching* *Nose is running*

Pearl: Uh...*nauseous look*

Steven: ...But you can't eat dinner.

Steven: Man, why did Connie have to say I have one mother instead of zero... or three?

Greg: We'll figure this thing out. We just have to put our heads together.

Steven: Why didn't I think of this before? It's so obvious! You can all come to dinner-- all three of you, fused into one! *Snaps finger*

Pearl: What?!

Amethyst: Whoa!

Greg: What?

Pearl: Steven, you know we only fuse in deadly situations!

Steven: It'd be like-- like I'm actually bringing my whole family!

Amethyst: That's insane.

Garnet: Fusion is serious magic, not a trick for dinner parties.

Steven: I know. Then I guess this is it. I'll never get to see Connie again. Oh, Connie! I'll never know a star that shines as bright as you. *Crying*

Garnet: *Sighs* We have no choice.

[Trans. ext. restaurant]]

* Slow piano music playing*

Mr. Maheswaran *Groans*

Dr. Maheswaran: We've been waiting for nearly 20 minutes.

* Rumbling and gulls are crying*

Connie *Gasps*

Mr and Dr. Maheswaran: *Both gasp*

(Alexandrite appears over the hilltops.)

Mr. Maheswaran: Uh... Oh.

Steven: *on Alexandrite's shoulder* Hi, Connie! Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Maheswaran!

(Alexandrite lowers Greg and Steven.)

Greg: Thanks...honeybun...?

Alexandrite: You're welcome... Greg.

Greg: I'm Greg Universe. And this massive drink of water is my wife, Alexandrite.

Alexandrite: *Awkwardly* Hi-i-i-i-i-i. *Music continues*

[Timeskip]

Alexandrite: *Munching on 6 breadsticks*

Mr. Maheswaran: I hope this place has unlimited breadsticks.

Dr. Maheswaran: Don't be rude.

Alexandrite: *Munching continues* Bleh. *Sticks tongue out, showing chewed up breadsticks*

Greg: *Chuckles nervously* Isn't my wife a riot? *Chuckles nervously*

Dr. Maheswaran: So, tell me-- how did you two meet?

Greg: Huh? How did we meet? Well, we, um--

Steven: *Standing up from his seat* They met on a roller coaster!

Connie: *Mouths 'what'*

Steven: She was too tall to ride!

Connie: *Shakes head in disapproval*

Greg: Uh *chuckles nervously, then laughs nervously* I remember it like it was yesterday. Right, honey? *Places hand on her leg* *laughs nervously* Eh... *Whispers* sorry.

Alexandrite: *Slams Greg's face onto table* Have some more breadsticks... dear.

Mr. Maheswaran: Uh *coughs* what is it that you two do for a living, Mr. and Mrs. Universe?

Greg: Well, you see, I own a local car wash, and my sweet, dear wife here--

Steven: My mom works on an apple farm!

Connie: *Sighs* *Slams head onto table*

Dr. Maheswaran: What did we say about heads on the table?

Steven: She uses all her arms to pick apples out of huge trees. *Chuckles nervously*

Greg: Well, you know what they say-- an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Alexandrite: Yes, I hate doctors.

Dr. Maheswaran: Well, I'm a doctor.

Connie: Steven, help me find the restroom!

[Trans. int. The Crab Shack]

Steven: Things are going pretty good so far, huh?

Connie: Steven, are you kidding me?! What is this thing that you brought to dinner?!

Steven: It-- it's my family. It's all of the Gems, fused together into a... six-armed, giant woman.

Connie: Why couldn't you just bring one of the Gems?

Steven: 'Cause that would be a lie. *Narrows eyes* Your... glasses...

Connie: What about them?

Steven: I healed your eyes. You don't even need to wear those anymore.

Connie: What are you talking about?

Steven: All that stuff you told your parents about my family-- you're just ashamed of me!

Connie: Oh, whatever, Steven. Let's just focus on getting through the evening.

Connie: So, Steven was telling me that on his mom's apple farm, they're bioengineering a gala-fuji hybrid.

(Waiter places food on the table.)

Steven: Yes, that definitely true.

Dr. Maheswaran: Isn't that right, Mrs. Universe?

Alexandrite: *Picks up popcorn shrimp* *sniffs* Ugh! *One hand smooshes the shrimp against her face* What are you doing? *Another hand slaps her in the face* I'm hungry! *A second mouth appears below her face* I don't think so. Cut it out, you two. *Starts fighting herself* *grunting* Grrrrr-ugh! *Uppercuts self* *Chomps on a hand*

Steven: Stop! You don't have to eat it!

Alexandrite: *Moaning* *Face begins to crack*

* all gasp*

(Alexandrite unfuses)

* groaning* *pop*

Pearl: Steven! *Crawls towards him* Ohh. Thank you so much. You don't know how horrified I was when that dreck nearly fell into our mouths. Eating food is so disgusting! You chew it into nasty mush, swallow that goop, and it comes out of you? What a completely horrid experience!

Amethyst: Uh, speak for yourself. Ha! I love it when mush passes through my body.

Garnet: It doesn't matter what you two think. We're doing this for Steven! *Summons gauntlets and hits them both on the head*

Pearl and Amethyst: Aah!

Mr. Maheswaran: What is going on here? Who are they?!

Dr. Maheswaran: I knew I should have trusted my bad feelings about this new friend of yours, but I never thought I wouldn't be able to trust my own daughter.

* Connie runs off*

Steven: Connie!

[Trans. bus stop]

* owl hoots*

Steven: Connie.

Connie: Steven, I'm so sorry. It's not that I'm ashamed of you. I was so worried that my parents would think all this magic stuff is weird. What if they don't let me hang out with you anymore? *Crying*

Steven: I-I'm sorry I messed everything up. I wish there was a way we could just... hang out without having to worry about stuff.

Connie: Steven, let's just hop on a bus and live somewhere else without telling anyone!

Steven: That's a great idea!

(A bus pulls up to the bus stop.)

[Trans. Int. bus]

(Both grunt as they sit at the back of the bus.)

Steven: Where's this bus taking us?

Connie: Wherever we end up. We'll find a way to survive. I've been reading about sustainable living.

Steven: Maybe it'll take us to a real apple farm!

Connie: What's up with you and apples today?

* thumping*

Steven and Connie: Huh? *Look out the window*

* thumping continues*

(Alexandrite is running after the bus)

Alexandrite: Steve-e-e-n! *A second mouth appears below her face*

Steven and Connie: Aaaaaah!

Alexandrite: *Picks up the bus* You two, come out of that bus this instant!

Steven: Aah! Okay! J-just put the bus down first.

[Trans. ext. The Crab Shack]

Dr. Maheswaran: I don't even know where to begin with you, young la--

Pearl: What were you thinking, running off with Connie like that? You could have gotten yourselves hurt!

Garnet: Or gotten mangled in traffic.

Amethyst: Or thrown in prison.

Pearl: Steven, you are in very big trouble, and we have no choice but to punish you.

Steven: But...

Garnet: No dinner for 1,000 years.

Steven: 1,000? *sad expression*

Pearl: We would never starve you, but you will lose your TV privileges... for 1,000 years.

Steven: No! The midseason pre-finale of "Under the knife"! How can you do this to me?! *cries slightly*

Greg: *Disapproving look* Because we love you, Steven.

Steven: *Groans*

Dr. Maheswaran: Wow. That was a masterful use of the "because we love you" shutdown. I'm quite partial to the "it's for your own good" myself.

Mr. Maheswaran: That "1,000 years of no dinner" bit *chuckles* was pretty funny. *Laughs*

Garnet: All comedy is derived from fear.

Mr. Maheswaran: *Laughs* You are too much.

Dr. Maheswaran: I did not know what to make of the two of-- excuse me-- four of you, but I see that you are responsible parents-- uh, caregivers? Guardians.

Connie: So, I can still hang out with Steven?

Dr. Maheswaran: Sure.

Steven: Alright! *Laughs* *Hugs Connie*

Dr. Maheswaran and Mr. Maheswaran: Uh!

Mr. Maheswaran: *Grunts* *Separates Steven and Connie*

(Iris out on Mr. Maheswaran's satisfied face.)

[End]