How SOLO A Star Wars Story Should Have Ended


 * Han: I'm gonna be a pilot. Best in the galaxy.
 * Imperial Officer: Your name?
 * Han: It's Han.
 * Imperial Officer: Last name?
 * Han: I don't have a last name.
 * Imperial Officer: Who are your people then?
 * Han: I really don't have any people. I just grew up with this slimey snake monster lady.
 * Imperial Officer: Ooookay! Then it's Han... Slimey Snake Monster Lady!


 * Han: Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no! I'm not gonna let some random person I've never met... choose my name for me. My name is Han...Solo! That's right! I named myself! Not you! Me!
 * Imperial Officer: Well, alright! You could've just said something the first time you don't have to be all grumpy about it!


 * Dryden: (Gasps) I'm stabbed.
 * Han: Okay. Looks like we're in the clear. Dryden Vos is dead and we're free! Come on! Let's get out of here!
 * Qi'ra: You uh... you go ahead. I, I have some... things I need to do first. I'll catch up.
 * Han: No, it's okay. I'll wait.
 * Qi'ra: No go ahead!
 * Han: Actually. I think I'm just gonna rest here and wait for you.
 * Qi'ra: Wait here? No! You can go really! I'll be right behind you! Go on! Shew!
 * Han: Na it's fine. I don't mind waiting. Plus... (Yawns) I just got REALLY fatigued all of the sudden.
 * Qi'ra: Fatigued? What's wrong?
 * Han: I don't know! I just feel fatigued! All these Wars... in the Stars... It's like it never ends. You know? We get chased by TIE Fighters. We shoot our blasters... We travel to at least three planets with different atmosphere settings. I'm just tired.
 * Qi'ra: Do you think we rushed the heist too early? Should it waited til winter?
 * Han: I mean maybe! I think it's more about the final pay off. I mean is any of this even important?
 * Qi'ra: This?
 * Han: I mean what's going on here? Where is this going? Like are we a thing? What's happening here? This isn't gonna last. Right? Because let;s be honest I'm thinking it won't.
 * Qi'ra: Can we talk about this later? Just go meet up with Chewey. I'll be right behind you.
 * Han: No you won't! You'll just dump me! Making me slow to rust the next girl that comes my way. Or you'll have a baby with or without me. And I'll never know because you never tell me anything!
 * Darth Maul: (Hologram) Um Helloooooooo! Qi'ra! I'm waiting for you!
 * Han: Who the heck is this guy?!
 * Darth Maul: (Hologram) It is I... Maul! You probably didn't recognize me because of the metal legs.
 * Qi'ra: He's no one! Don't worry about it!
 * Han: Well, you're just a full of secrets aren't you! Who's this? Your boyfriend?
 * Darth Maul: (Hologram) Maybe she's my apprentice. Maybe she isn't! You don't know? It's a mystery!
 * Han: Back off, Tiny Antlers!
 * Qi'ra: Han.
 * Guy: Hey, guys, could we hurry this up? Chewy and I are getting bored at the...
 * Han: We're kind of in the middle of something. Chewy, just give us a minute.
 * Chewy: (Growls)
 * (Lando arrives)
 * Lando: Hello! What have we here?
 * Qi'ra: Lando! Did you have a change of heart?
 * Lando: Not really. I just thought now would be a good time to drop my new hit music video.


 * Han: Oh great! Now Lando is stealing the scene! What is happening?! This whole thing is just weird!
 * ????: Perhaps I can be some of assistance!
 * (Ron Howard arrives)
 * Ron Howard: Hi. I'm Ron Howard. I'll be directing from here on out. I'll take care of everything.
 * Han: Okay.
 * Ron Howard: (off-screen) Okay, stand by people! Kill the lights! Camera! And... Action!
 * Han: (Groans) Now I can see anything! That's it! I quit. I don't need this! Come on, Chewy. Let's go find a cantina!
 * Chewy: (Growls)
 * (Han and Chewy are walking away)