Fashion Victims

[Jude is opening fortune cookies.] Jude: "Another fortune from the fortune cookie gods." Jonesy: "What's it say?" Jude: "Everything tastes better with MSG." Jonesy: "Right again! Unbelievable!" Nikki: "How long are you gonna keep this up for?" Jonesy: "Long as it takes for the cookie to get it wrong." Nikki: [rolling her eyes] "Utterly hopeless." Jude: [reading] "Avoid blunt objects traveling at a high rate of speed." [Jonesy and Jude look at each other, shrug, and duck.] Nikki: "Oh, come on!" ''[A shoe flies through the air and lands on the table. Jen is pushing a heavy box.]'' Jonesy: [smirking] "I think you dropped your shoe, Jen." Jen: "More like threw it at you! Thanks for not helping me with the box!" Jonesy: "You are very welcome. What are stepbrothers for?" Jen: "Ugh." Nikki: "What's in there, anyway?" Jen: "Stuff for the mall clothing drive. I'm organizing it this year." Caitlin: "Anything cute?" Jonesy: "Sure." [He takes out two tiny suspenders.] "If you're a miniature circus performer." Nikki: "Hey, weren't those your favorite suspenders from kindergarten?" Jen: [sighing happily] "I called them dispencers." [Jonesy takes out a sweater.] Wyatt: "Hey, I remember that sweater." Jonesy: "How do you guys remember what Jen wore when she was seven?" Caitlin: [looking at it] "Ew, Jen. It's acrylic." Jen: "You think that's bad?" [She pulls out a t-shirt.] "Check this out." Jonesy: [gasping] "Hands off Hambert the hamster!" [He grabs the shirt.] Nikki: [chuckling] "Hambert." Jonesy: [looking in the box again] "No way! Your dad was a biker?" [He pulls out some biker gear.] Jen: "No, but your dad was." Jonesy: [putting on the gear] "My dad was cool in his day? Huh. I guess it is hereditary. Baked right in to the old Jonesmiester DNA." Nikki: "You wish." Brunette Girl: [walking by] "Hey, stud man." Jonesy: "Yeah, baby." [Nikki laughs as Jude opens another fortune cookie.] Jude: [reading] "Your girlfriend is laughing at you, not with you." Jonesy: "Finally, a fortune that's wrong. My work here is done." [He walks off.] Nikki: [calling after him] "Actually, that one was bang on!" [to herself] "Huh. Maybe there's something to these after all."

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Fashion Victims''

[Merchandise is being unpacked inside the Khaki Barn.] Nikki: [on the phone] "Ugh, I can't take much more of this! It's our third shipment of merch this week." [Kristen and Kirsten both reach for a box and bump their heads.] Kristen and Kirsten: "OW!" Kristen: [rubbing her head] "My head hurts!" Kirsten: [rubbing her head] "So does yours!" Nikki: "How's it going over there?" Jen: "Good. I'm determined to make the clothing drive a success." Coach Halder: "Masterson! Stop the gibble-gabble on the phone! Or I'll confiscate the box!" Jen: "But Coach–" Coach Halder: "Drop and give me twenty!" ''[Jen sighs and does as commanded. Coach Halder turns to a guy about to donate.]'' "That goes for you too." [The guy runs away quickly.] Jen: "Great. I've just lost a donation." Coach Halder: "That's not all you're gonna lose if you don't get back to work!" [He leaves.] Jen: "Stupid Coach!" Nikki: "I've got a huge donation for you. It's all boxed and ready to go." Kirsten: "Oh no you don't! Our new super-stretchy tanks aren't going anywhere!" Kristen: "Save the super-stretchy tanks!!!" Jonesy: [walking up to Nikki] "Hey Sweet Cheeks." Nikki: [sighing] "Can I call you back? I've got a fashion crisis in the store." Elderly Man: [picking up a coat] "Hey! This girl is selling my jacket!" Jen: "Um, that's not your sweater, sir. Someone else has donated it." Elderly Woman: "It was me! I'm sick of looking at that moth-eaten rag! Now give it back to the girl!" Jen: [as the couple engage in a tugging match] "No!" ''[The apparel rips and is tossed back into the box as they walk out. Jen sighs.]''

Nikki: "You're really gonna keep wearing that, aren't you?" Jonesy: "It's part of who I am." Nikki: "You don't own a motorcycle! You ride the bus." Kristen: "Ooh!" [rubbing the jacket] "We love your jean jacket. Is it from Albatross & Finch?" Jonesy: "It's vintage." Kirsten: "You mean vintage wash. We do have eyes, you know." Nikki: "He means vintage, as in it used to belong to his dad." Kristen: "Ew!" [She takes her hands off quickly.] Kirsten: "You just touched someone's gross old clothes!" Kristen: "AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Kirsten: "Quick! Get disinfectant!" [They drags Kristen away.] Jonesy: "These aren't just somebody's, they're my dad's. This jacket has history." Kirsten: [spraying Kristen with disinfectant] "We hate history." [She gets it in Kristen's eyes.] Kristen: "AAAHHH!!! MY EYES!!!" Nikki: [to Jonesy] "On second thought, nice work." Kristen: [running around the store blindly] "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"

[Jonesy walks through the mall.] Jonesy: [to a pair of girls] "Hola, chiquitas." [They giggle.] "Oh yeah." [A man stops him.] Laird: "Hey kid. You got great style." Jonesy: "Tell me something I don't know." Laird: [shaking his hand] "I'm Laird, cool hunter from a market research firm." Jonesy: "If you're hunting for cool, you just hit paydirt." Laird: "You ride a motorcycle, so you must know what's happening on the street." Jonesy: "Lots of cars. The odd cyclist." Laird: "So what's the word? What's hot, what's not?" Jonesy: "Not so fast. If I tell you what's cool, what's in it for me?" Laird: "Cold. Hard. Cash." [He hands Jonesy a card.] "Y'in?" Jonesy: "Now you're talking my language!"

[The gang are gathered around the table.] Jonesy: "...and all I have to do is tell Laird what's cool, and ka-ching! Major coin action!" Wyatt: "Oh yeah! I've heard of cool hunters. People travel the world, trying to figure out the next hot trend." Jonesy: "Even a monkey couldn't screw this up!" Nikki: "Oh, is that supposed to mean you won't?" Caitlin: "I can't believe you're going to decide what's hot and what's not! Oh! Will you tell me so I can have it first?" Jonesy: "Sure thing, princess." Jen: "What do you even know about this Laird guy? Sounds slimy to me." Nikki: "So they're perfect for each other." Jonesy: "I know that he gave me his card, a camera, and the promise of lots of moolah. What else is there to know? Can't blame Laird for wanting an inside track with the coolest guy in the mall." Nikki: "Jonesy, marketing companies take what people like you say and spoonfeed it back to the rest of us." Jonesy: "Then don't buy it." Nikki: "You're selling out your entire generation! You know, your friends?" Jonesy: "Not just friends! Strangers and enemies too." Nikki: "They're basically spying on us. Figuring out what we want before we even know that we want it." Jude: [worried] "People are spying on us?" Nikki: "There's probably a hundred fake marketers posing as teens right now." Jonesy: [getting up] "Time to hit the streets!" [excitement dulled] "In the mall." Nikki: "You're gonna look for new trends in the mall?" [She laughs.] "Everyone here looks exactly the same!" Jude: "Which means there's no way to spot the spies, dude!" Nikki: [to Jonesy] "Are you sure you haven't hit your head?" Jonesy: "Positive. I've been wearing my helmet all day. Seeya!" Nikki: "That boy needs help." Jen: "So do I. Can you help me sort through some of this stuff, Caitlin?" Caitlin: "Me? Sure." [She comes over to help.] "I'd be happy to help out those less fortunate." [She gasps.] "No. Way. Someone donated an original Didi Van Faustenberg? In my size?" Jen: "You are not the less fortunate, Caitlin." Caitlin: "True, but I'd be so much more fortunate if I had that dress. I'll donate four things if you let me try it on. Pretty please?" Jen: [sternly] "Put the dress down and back away. Slowly." Caitlin: [dropping the dress] "Jen sure is passionate about her charity." Jude: "I think that dude's spying on me." [He is pointing at an old man sipping a lemonade.]

''[Jonesy creeps through the mall. He comes across two girls.]'' Jonesy: "Hello, Hottie McGorgeouses." [taking pictures] "Laird is gonna love ya." Glutes Girl: "We're gonna be famous!" [Jonesy focuses his camera on her chest.] Nikki: [stepping in front of him] "Up here, perv." Jonesy: [lowering the camera] "Ah. Hey, Nikki."

[Caitlin is looking through the clothing.] Caitlin: "Aw, I feel so sorry for these poor people! No one has worn hunter green for years!" [She tosses the sweater away and picks up an army helmet.] "You cannot send them this." [She tosses the helmet and picks up a bra.] "Or this." [The next thing she finds is a thong.] "Aah!" [She takes the other things out.] "Or this!" Jen: [as Caitlin throws them away] "Hey! My dispensers!" Jude: [looking at the discarded clothes] "Hello, hat! Hmm. This would make a good disguise. Stop people from spying." [Jude puts on the bra, a fur coat, and a feathered hat.] Nikki: "Jude, you look like a pirate. In drag." Jude: "The bra will totally throw the spies off the trail, bra." Nikki: "If you say so."

''[Jonesy looks at the mall. Everyone is wearing identical shirts.]'' Jonesy: "Nikki was right! There's not one new look in the whole mall!" [to Lydia] "Please don't tell Nikki I said she was right, okay?" ''[He leaves. Lydia gazes after him, bewildered.]''

[Jonesy sits down at the table.] Nikki: "Oh. Done taking pictures of hot girls already?" Jonesy: "Just taking a breather." Nikki: "Guess you'll be looking for a new job soon." Jonesy: "Nuh-uh. Turns out you were wrong, wrong, wrong, Nikki. I found a ton of hot new trends for Laird." Nikki: "Okay, smart guy. Name one." Jonesy: "And divulge trade secrets? I don't think so." Nikki: "Ha! He's got nothing. I better get going. Later." [She leaves.] Wyatt: [leaning in] "You can tell me what's hot." Jonesy: "Sorry, bro." Wyatt: "Jude's the one that can't keep a secret." Jude: "DUDE!" Wyatt: "The time you told Serena that I had a teddy named Bucky, the time you outed Coach as a closet figure skater, the time–" Jude: "I fold." Jonesy: "The reason I can't tell you what's hot is because I don't have a clue! Lay another one of those cookies on me?" Jude: [reading] "The answer you seek can be found right in front of you." Jonesy: "What on earth are you wearing?" Jude: "A disguise. You like?" Jonesy: "Wait a minute! If people wore this stuff before, why can't they wear it again?" Caitlin: "Because it's really ugly?" Jonesy: "Watch and learn, princess." [He calls Laird.] "Laird. Jonesy. We're talking feathered fedoras. Yep, and little capes. You heard me." [Jude points at the bra, and Jonesy covers the phone.] "Uh, sorry Jude, that's a little far out, even for me." [to Laird] "If I were you, I'd find myself a feathered fedora factory, and pronto."

[Jonesy, Jude, Wyatt, Jen and Caitlin walk through Grind Me.] Caitlin: "So how long did Laird say it would take?" Jonesy: "He said they'd move on it ASAP." Nikki: [meeting them] "Ready to admit defeat yet?" Jonesy: "Not even close, babe." Jen: [standing next to a donation box] "This clothing drive is gonna be awesome!" Caitlin: "Wow, you've got donation drop boxes everywhere!" [plucking out something furry] "Ooh, this is actually pretty cute." [Jen slaps the apparel back into the box.] Jonesy: "Hey, Jen, can I borrow a few things? I need to get some shots to Laird." Nikki: "Shots to Laird?" Caitlin: "Ooh, can I be in your pictures?" Jonesy: "Sure thing, princess." Caitlin: "Yay!" Jonesy: "I tell him what's hot, they get to model, everyone's happy." Nikki: [sarcastic] "Yeah. Ecstatic."

[Jonesy and his models are scrounging amongst the donation piles.] Caitlin: [with a pair of rainbow-striped toe socks] "Do I have to wear these socks for the shoot? They've got individual toes!" Jude: "Toes are awesome! You couldn't stand without them." Jonesy: [looking over to a trash bin] "That garbage looks pretty urban. Let's take some shots over there." Nikki: "Ugh! You are destroying every last shred of individuality out there!" Jonesy: "Oh really? And what is it you do at the Khaki Barn again?" Nikki: "Wh–that's different! I work there because I have to!" Jonesy: "And I don't? Face it, Nikki, we play the same game." Nikki: "On opposing teams! I bet you won't last one more day as a cool hunter." Jonesy: "Care to put a price on that wager? A week's worth of nachos, perhaps?" Nikki: "Deal! You lose, you rub my feet for a week." Jonesy: "So there'll be stinky cheddar all around." Nikki: "Urr!" [She storms off.]

[Kirsten plucks a purple feathered fedora from a box.] Kirsten: "Oh, feathers on hats!" Nikki: [shocked] "What?" Kirsten: [putting the hat on] "How do I look?" Kristen: "Adorable, Kirsten!" [Chrissy walks by in a fur cape, and she gasps.] "Cute capelets!" Nikki: "I–it can't be!" Kirsten: [pulling out more hats] "I just got the best idea ever! Let's make these part of the new Khaki Barn uniform!" Kristen: "Super professional, Kirsten!" The Clones: "We're the cutest Khaki team that anyone has ever seen!" [They cheer.] Kirsten: [giddy] "I wonder what else is coming in for the new season!" Nikki: "Hopefully muzzles." Kirsten: "Here's your hat, Nikki!" [She puts a hat on Nikki.] Nikki: "You've got to be kidding me." Jonesy: [cheering from the entrance] "That's what I'm talking about! Score one for Team Jonesy! Mmm, nachos! Hmm, I think I'll get the Chicken Supreme!" Nikki: "Start by chewing on this!" [She shoves her hat in Jonesy's mouth and storms off.] Jonesy: [spitting it out] "Hey! Where's the salsa?"

[Practically everyone in the mall is decked out in the feathered fedoras and tiny fur capes.] Wyatt: "I can't believe it." Jonesy: "I know! It's like I'm God or something!" Caitlin: "Or Marc Jacobs. His spring line is so adorable." Wyatt: [amazed] "Wow, those sweatshops work fast!" Nikki: "I can't believe what fashion sheep people are! Baa! Baa!" [Two girls nearby walk away.] Jonesy: "You guys ready? I need to send some more photos to Laird." Jude: "Definitely!" [laughing] "That last shoot was wicked fun!" Nikki: [getting up] "I can't believe you guys are helping Jonesy exploit everyone!" Caitlin: "I can't believe I've gotten used to my toes!" [Nikki groans.] Wyatt: "So what's the next big trend?" ''[Jonesy picks up a tutu and looks at it. Nikki laughs.]'' Jonesy: "Jude, some inspiration?" Jude: "I have coffee for inspiration. Or figs. Figs have lots of fiber, dude." Jonesy: "Jude, gross! I mean the cookies!" Jude: "Actually, cookies don't really–" [catching on] "Oh. Right." [He eats a cookie.] "Mmm." [reading] "Hank says: 'Relax.' Good advice. Been a little on edge since I found out about the spies." Nikki: "Who's Hank?" Jude: "No clue, bra." Jonesy: [passing out clothes] "Wyatt, you get the army helmet, Caitlin, you can take that furry thing you love so much–" Caitlin: "Yay!" Jonesy: "And Jude, you get the tube socks, the cravat, and the poncho." Jen: "You really think Laird is gonna keep buying this?" Jonesy: "Heck yes! The whole mall has, haven't they?"

[Jonesy is taking pictures of Wyatt wearing Jen's suspenders and the army helmet inside Spin This.] Jonesy: "Work it Wyatt, work it! Work it!" ''[Jonesy takes pictures of an unenthusiastic Wyatt. Wyatt sighs. The shoot then moves to the arcade, where Jude is playing video games. He isn't doing so well due to the poncho.]'' Jude: "Bummer." [He loses another game.] "Aw, man. I lost again! Why didn't they put armholes in this thing?" Jonesy: "Because it's a poncho." ''[A shot from Stanley strikes Jude in the center of his forehead. He is unable to keep his balance and topples over. Jonesy shrugs and takes some more pictures. Next up is a posing Caitlin in Grind Me.]'' Jonesy: "Stop looking at the camera! I'm supposed to be spying on you! Just make your coffee." Caitlin: "Right. Sorry." [She poses again, and Jonesy glares.] "Oops." [She pours a coffee for herself.]

''[Nikki is looking at a new shipment. This one is a carton of pink army helmets.]'' Nikki: "More? When will it ever end?" Kirsten: "I want to be on Team Jonesy. I will never be on Team Nikki." ''[Nikki gasps. Jonesy has printed up t-shirts involving their fight.]'' Nikki: [angry] "Jonesy made us team t-shirts?" [She grabs the shirt away from a giggling Kristen.] Kristen: "Hey!" ''[They walk away. Nikki looks at the t-shirts.]'' Nikki: "Unbelievable." Kirsten: [picking up one of the furry things] "Oh my gosh. These are so warm!" Nikki: "Of course you're warm! We're inside the mall!" [She tosses the Jonesy shirt at them as she starts to leave.] Kristen: [tugging on it with Kirsten] "Give me my t-shirt, Kirsten!" Kirsten: "Hank says relax, Kristen?" Nikki: [surprised] "What did you just say?" Kirsten: "Just the hottest new saying in the mall. Get with it, Nikki." Nikki: "Ugh!" [She clutches her head.]

''[People walk by dressed in Jonesy's new fashions. He laughs.]'' Jonesy: "Did you see that last guy? With the socks? Hilarious! Man, I do love my job." Jen: "And I'd love to do mine. Where's all that stuff you borrowed? And where's Caitlin? I'm trying to run a charity here!" Caitlin: "Sorry, I'm coming!" [She runs up dressed in toe socks, an army helmet, and one of the white furry things.] Wyatt: "Caitlin, that helmet was one of Jonesy's jokes." Caitlin: "I know, but I saw them in Albatross & Finch and they just looked so cute! Everybody's wearing them." Jen: [dumping out a jacket from her nearly-empty box] "You decide vintage is the next big thing and now this is all I've got for the charity!" Jonesy: "You think you've got problems. I'm fresh out of new ideas for Laird!" [He gestures to the empty boxes.] "I can't let Nikki win!" ''[Coach Halder comes up to Jen and takes the jacket from her. He is wearing a Team Nikki t-shirt.]'' Jen: "Hey, you donated that to charity!" Coach Halder: "Yes, well, that was before polyester made a big comeback." Kirsten: [walking by with Kristen] "Don't you just love vintage?" Kristen: "It's like, so hysterical." Jonesy: "Uh, that's historical." Coach Halder: "Where's your team t-shirt, Masterson? Go, Nikki, go!" [He leaves.] Jen: "Where is Nikki, anyway?" Pre-Teen Girls: "Nikki! Nikki! Nikki! Nikki!" [They are following her around and cheering.] Pre-Teen Girl #3: "Go Team Nikki! Yay!" Pre-Teen Girls: "Nikki! Nikki! Nikki! Nikki! Nikki! Nikki! Nikki! Nikki!" Nikki: "Scram!" [She walks away, and the preteens pause for a moment.] Pre-Teen Girls: [following her again] "Nikki! Nikki! Nikki! Nikki!" Jonesy: "Aw, no fair! Why don't I have a team?" Jen: "You do." [She points to a nerdy kid standing behind Jonesy.] Jonesy: "Aw!" ''[He puts his head in his hands. Jen and Caitlin giggle until Nikki suddenly rises up between them.]'' Nikki: "Are they gone?" Jen: "Don't worry. You're safe." [Nikki reaches into her pants and adjusts her underwear.] Nikki: "Ah. Finally." Wyatt: "What was that?" Nikki: "Uh, that was me pulling my underwear from my butt, where it's been lodged for like an hour. Ugh, I hate this girly gitch!" Caitlin: "Ew!" Wyatt: "Nice." Jude: "Know the feeling!" Nikki: "I'm gonna go pick up some of those boy-cut undies. Wanna come?" Caitlin: [walking off with Jen and Nikki] "Not only are those undies the best defense against hungry bum, they're the best-kept secret in the mall!" [Jonesy looks up, interested.] Jonesy: "Best kept secret in the mall, huh? Hmm..."

[Jonesy follow the girls to the lingerie shop and takes pictures of them looking at underwear.] Jonesy: "Laird is going to love this!"

[Wyatt and Jonesy are inside Grind Me.] Wyatt: "Where'd you take off to so fast?" Jonesy: "Just uh, following up on something." Wyatt: "Hey! It's Caffeine Dream!" [He picks up a box on the counter.] "I've been looking for it everywhere!" Jonesy: "It looks like soap." Wyatt: "It is!" [He sniffs it.] "Coffee soap!" Jonesy: "What? Gross!" Wyatt: "You don't drink it. You shower with it! Gives you that java jumpstart before your morning latte." [He takes out his money.] "Shoot! I only have enough for two bars! I'll have to come back." [He pays for his soap.] "Later!" ''[Wyatt leaves. Jonesy grins and takes a picture of the soap boxes.]'' Jonesy: "Sweet!"

''[Jude, Caitlin, and Jen are seated at the table. Jonesy is a few feet away, talking on the phone.]'' Jonesy: "Laird. Do I have some hot tips for you. Underwear that battles hungry bum, and coffee soap." [Laird replies.] "Yeah! You shower with it." [surprised] "What else? Um...ah..." [He looks towards his friends.] "Oh. Drinking lemon juice is also great for your uh, hair. And fortune cookies? All the rage."

[A few hours later, Jonesy comes back to the Big Squeeze and finds that Caitlin has an incredibly long line.] Jonesy: "What? What's going on?" Jen: "Everyone in the mall is after Caitlin's lemon juice." Caitlin: [working as fast as she can] "My blender only spins so fast!" Jen: "I don't suppose you'd know why everyone's suddenly so hot for lemon whips." Jonesy: "It is warm in here." Wyatt: "Or why my coffee soap is suddenly sold out?" Jonesy: "Supply and demand?" Jude: "Or why CiCi Sombrero's is out of fortune cookies?" Jonesy: "Why does a Mexican place have fortune cookies?" Jude: "Don't know. Not my fault they have the best fortune cookies in the mall." Jonesy: "That's probably why they're sold out." [Two girls walk by with underwear.] Greeter Goddess: "These new undies are the best." Nikki: [joining her friends] "They used to be the best-kept secret in the mall." Jonesy: "It's not all my fault! Stop looking at me like that!" Nikki: "Fine. Then we'll look at your pictures." [She grabs his camera and flips through the pictures.] "Busted." Jonesy: "I was just doing my job!" Nikki: "Admit it! You sold us out so you wouldn't lose the bet!" Jonesy: "That too." Caitlin: [walking up to Jonesy angrily] "Jonesy!" Jonesy: "I can fix it, okay!" Caitlin: "Good!" [She slams her hat on Jonesy's head.] "You can start now!" Jonesy: [removing the hat] "When life hands you a lemon hat, make lemonade, right?" Jude: "Dude, that was yesterday's fortune." [Jonesy chuckles nervously.]

[The next day, all kinds of charity boxes are filled with stuff from Jonesy's trends.] Caitlin: "I can't believe how much stuff people have donated!" Jen: "Thanks, Jonesy! How'd you get it all back?" Jonesy: "Easy. I just told Laird that vintage stinks." Wyatt: "What're you gonna tell him next?" Jonesy: "Nothin', got fired. Laird said my trends need longevity. And longevity is one thing the Jonesmiester never has for long." [Nikki chuckles.] Caitlin: "So you won! Yay Team Nikki!" Nikki: "Yeah, but I donated all the t-shirts." Jen: "Thanks. How about you, Jude? Any luck?" Jude: "Lots! CiCi Sombrero's just got in another shipment of cookies." Jonesy: "Lay one on me, brother!" Jude: [reading] "Always honor your bets." Nikki: "Finally, a fortune that makes sense. A bet's a bet!" [She raises her foot to Jonesy.] "Remember, the cookies never lie!" Jonesy: "Aw, no fair!" [He runs away.] Nikki: [giving chase] "Hey, get back here!" Caitlin: "Did the cookie really say that, Jude?" Jude: "It says, 'the words ki-ku-llama-llama-wu-wu will bring bad luck to all who say them out loud.'" ''[The four friends look at each other. Jude begins to laugh, and tips back in his chair, falling to the ground. His poncho falls upwards, revealing his underwear.]'' Wyatt: [impressed] "Jude." Caitlin: [disgusted] "The banana hammock!" Jude: "I don't make the fashion, dudes, I just follow it." [He walks off.] Caitlin and Jen: "Eww!" Jen: "Gross!"