Goo Goo Gai Pan

(All) Surprise! (SHOCKED GASPS) I don't see why I need a new driving license. My old one's just fine. Hmm, I have serious doubts about your skill behind the wheel. You drove in with three people on your grill. (GROANING) At least I'm out doing things. Do you know this baby once outraced the Flying Finn, Paavo Nurmi? (GRUNTS) Turn the heater off. It's boiling in here. What are you talking about? This car is cooler than Guy Lombardo. (GASPS) What's wrong with me? (SOBBING) (LAUGHING) (SOBBING) (LAUGHING) Good heavens. She's some sort of female madman. (GASPING) Hot. So hot. (MECHANICAL HUMMING) Stop that, you want-wit! I might get stung by a bumbled bee! (SCREAMING) Van Houten blows past Simpson! He's got all the right moves! (GRUNTS) And a fight breaks out! (GRUNTING) (SOBS) (TIRES SQUEALING) (SCREAMING) Car! Car what? Car is the subject, but I don't know the verb. (Selma) Wha... (SIZZLING) (PANTING) I still feel hot! (PANTING) Sir, thank God the airbags activated! Those are my lungs. (SLURPING) Ugh! Selma, what you experienced was a hot flash. An early symptom of menopause. What the hell's menopause? Son, menopause is when the stork that brings babies gets shot by drunken hunters. It's a natural process that women of a certain age go through. And it's something to be feared. Right, Doctor? (CHUCKLES) Far from it. Maybe we should all take a look at this. (CLUCKING) What do you know? She's out of eggs. And if you're watching this, so are you. Hello, I'm Robert Wagner, actor, smooth customer, and women's health advocate. Just as the end of the day can bring great beauty, So too can the end of menstruation be a time of radiance and celebration. Sure, you may experience mood swings, loss of desire, and private dryness. But don't worry. You can still do everything that you did before. Everything? Including having children? Ma'am, we're trying to make a video here. Menopause means you can't have any more children, but it also marks a wonderful new plateau in a woman's life. So let's all give menopause a round of "mena-plause." "Mena-plause"? I'm not saying that. So that's it. The end of the line. I'm never gonna have children. (SIGHS) Selma, I never realized you wanted a child so badly. I didn't want to get pregnant and lose my looks. (SNORTING) But now I'm afraid I'll grow old alone. What about your pet iguana, Jub-Jub? Jub-Jub can't take care of me when I'm old and sick. All he can do is eat me when I'm dead. Don't cry, sweetie. Everything's gonna be all right. Come on, kids. We should go. Goodbye, Selma. I'm not dead, idiot. I know. That was for the other patients. Ow! Ow! MY thingies! (ORGAN MUSIC ON TV) We now return to Son of Satan! Everyone has a child but me. Cheer up, sis. There's a dented can sale down at Tregman's. (GROANS) This is one problem damaged food can't solve. Wow. You really are down. Hey, you ever think of adoption? The adoption process! That'll end the heartbreak! Hey, hey, hey! That foot's not dead, it's just asleep. Ooh! He's perfect. For this little guy, I'm gonna give up smoking. From now on, we're a Skoal family. (CHOMPING) Um. Is this the baby pound, where I gived up my kid? Because I needs to get him back. Oh, no! The birth father! I shouldn't have given him away. Seems I misheard my wife. What she said was, she's tired of having rabies. Give me back my belly fruit! If you want, I'll call you after Brandine's next litter. Yeah, pass. (SIGHS) Don't give up, Aunt Selma. China has thousands of baby girls who need adoption. Great. Another job lost to a foreigner. Madam, your adoption application is in perfect order, except for one thing. (GULPS) You forgot to fill out the name of your husband. Husband. Of course. The Chinese government only allows wholesome, married couples to adopt. No "hen without cock." I apologize if that is a double entendre in your language. It is not in ours. Don't worry. I'll just write my husband's name on this form. Have you ever heard of MacGyver? Yes. Big star. Big star. We know he's not married to you. Right, right, right. And don't forget, your husband must go with you to China to pick up the baby. All right. Here I go. Writing the name. (GRUNTING) Excellent. You are Mrs. Homer Simpson. He is your soul mate and lover. Yes. Homer Simpson is my whole world. I love him. (SHUDDERS) Oh! I just felt a chill go through my very soul. Yeah. Those Sloppy Joes'll do that. How about that Selma, flying all of us to China for no apparent reason? And how about me getting off work by saying I'm teaching math skills to inner-city youths? Yes, there are many kinds of heroes. Marge, when are we gonna tell Homer he has to pretend to be my husband? Wait till the Drambuie and sleeping pills kick in. (GULPING) Hey, look. A dragon. Hello, Homer. Give me your peanuts, and you can fly on my back. I'll give you... One! Oh, you are a very greedy man. The other dragons shall hear of this. Homer: Hey, dragon, you fly like a girl! Go, go, go! (SIGHS) (NERVOUS MURMUR) Homer, I'm gonna need you to do something for me when we get to China. You name it, O wise mountain ape. You have to pretend to be my husband. Homer: No! That's him. The man who broke a dragon's heart. (CHINESE-STYLE SINGING) The man who broke a dragon's heart Homer, if you do this one small favor, it could transform Selma's life. (WHINY) But, Marge, I don't want her to be happy. Okay. Don't do it for her. Deal! Do it for me. (MOANS) Okay, I'll do it because your sweet love is the one thing that saved my life from being an unmitigated disaster. Ha-ha! Now we're even! This is your captain. We have started our descent and will soon be landing in Beijing. CO-PILOT: If you look out the left side of the aircraft, you will see our monument to warrior and spicy chicken pioneer, General Gao. Homer: Wow. It makes the Lincoln Memorial look like crap. Very good. You have passport, husband... All we need now is the sack of 10,000 happinesses. When do I get my baby? In a few days. (GROANS) This will give you a chance to explore our nation's ancient culture. (GROANS) And it will give me a chance to closely observe the intimate details of your married life. (BOTH GROANING) Madam Wu, these are (CHUCKLES) our children, Bart and Lisa. Yes. And this is Marge, our surprisingly hot nanny. Hmm. Thank you, Mr. Simpson. Don't mention it, Miss... October. Butdon%look at her passport! It's different! (Madam Wu) These are the famous Shaolin Temple monks. They pursue spiritual peace through mastery of bare-fisted murder. I've heard of these guys. You can wave your arms at 'em and make funny faces, and they just have to stand there and take it. (JIBBERING) Homer, no! Stop! You're thinking of Buckingham Palace! What? (GRUNTING) (GROANING) (HEART BEATING) I hope you washed your hands first. Oh, look at him sleeping. He's like a little angel that killed 50 million people. Yes, you are! Yes, you are! The Great Wall of China was begun nearly 2,000 years ago in order to repel barbarian invaders. With these pogo sticks, we'll finally make it over. (GRUNTING) (GROANS) All right, everyone take a break and come back Monday with five fresh ideas. Can't make it Monday. My kid has a thing. When I was 17, I walked into the jungle. And by 21, I walked out. And by God, I was rich. (WOMEN SINGING IN CHINESE) Boys, you see what I was talking about? The greatest things can happen! (WOMEN CONTINUE SINGING) I finally get this play. (Madam Wu) So, Mr. Simpson, what do you do for a living? I'm a nuclear... HOMER'S BRAIN: Wait a minute. These guys don't know me. I can be whatever I want. (GRUNTS) I'm a Chinese acrobat. (ALL GASPING) You shall be back in the land you love soon. Tomorrow we will give you your baby. Oh, my God, really? My life begins at last. That is quite an insult to your other children. We understand, ma'am. We're pretty lousy kids. Lisa, soon you will have a Chinese baby sister who will surpass you academically. I don't know about that. I'm considered pretty smart. Well, Tibet was considered pretty independent. How'd that work out? (GASPS) How dare you make light of that brutal... Mind your manners, Lisa. Such loving discipline. Maybe someday someone will love you, too, childless servant. (ANNOYED MURMUR) I regret to inform you that our final stunt will not be performed. Our star acrobat had an onset of outspokenness and suffered a bullet-related death. This is most disillusioning. It seems our leaders are not all-knowing. Now I will question everything! Why doesn't Pearl Jam ever come here? (ALL PROTESTING) Homer, we need your acrobatic skills. Only you can prevent this riot and save our beloved communist dictatorship. You guys are commies? Then why am I seeing rudimentary free markets? Just go perform that stunt! Unless you are not who you claim to be. (NERVOUS LAUGH) It's showtime! (BOTH GRUNTING) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) I give you the great American acrobat, Homer Simpson, to attempt our most popular stunt, Chairman Wow! Hup! Nice chair toss. Good one, skinny. You guys get these chairs from Regal Rents? Boy, you're a great stacker. Hi, Lisa. Now that's precarious! Boy, this is easy. Maybe I am the world's greatest acrobat. (ALL GASPING) (SCREAMING) (APPLAUDING) USA! USA! US... (BONE CRACKING) A- (EKG BEEPING) (HOMER MURMURING) Ooh. You're curing me with acupuncture. No. A porcupine snuck in while you were asleep. Go on! Shoo! Come back in Year of Porcupine, which is never! I'd like you all to meet someone. Introducing Ling Bouvier! (GASPS) Selma, she's beautiful. (GURGLING) This is Homer, your daddy. Without him, I wouldn't have you. (LAUGHING) Aw. She likes my eyes. Ow. Homer, I do appreciate what you did. How'd you like a little time with Miss October? I would, but Marge would kill me. I mean, oh, right. Ow, ow, ow! Homer, of all the sneaky, dishonest things you've ever done, playing Selma's husband was by far the sweetest. It wasn't easy, Marge. I missed you so much. Hmm. (GIGGLES) Okay, one quick snuggle. Is there any other kind? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Wu! Ling, you're gonna be very happy in America. Unlike everyone else there. (GIGGLING) Selma Bouvier, this man is not your husband. And for that, there will be no adoption! Mama! They took my baby away. (SOBBING) Wow, the fortune cookies here really are more accurate. (SOBBING) I am so sorry about what happened. But at least you saw what it was like to be married to me for a little while. (SOBS HARDER) Listen, I've got a plan to get Ling back. But we must be discreet. You never know where there might be a spy. Yes, tell me your plan in detail, American sister. Don't have a cattle, dude. (GRUNTS) Let's talk about this outside. (SPRAYING) Hold still, Homie. Yeah, Dad. If you don't look perfect, you'll never be able to sneak in and steal Ling back. You look just like a Buddha statue. Now all you need is an expression of utter serenity. Just think about the day you found that Junior Mint in your belly button. (CONTENTED MURMURS) (DOORBELL RINGING) A Buddha statue? We cannot leave it outside. It is bad feng shui. Feng shui? I thought that was just a trick to sell crappy end tables to the West. Just put this hook in his nostril and pull. (SCREAMING) (MOANING) (MOANING) I never moved a Buddha this heavy. Let's cut him in chunks and worship the chunks. Ooh! Now let's see. Which one is Ling? Ling? Ling? Ling? Ling? (GURGLING) Ling! (GIGGLING) If we can just get to the Delta Airlines Gold Medallion Lounge, they can't get in without spending frequent flyer miles. Plus, we get free apple, orange, and grape fruit juice. (Madam Wu) I am afraid that juice is not on your tongue just yet. (ALL GASPING) Give the baby back! I cannot allow her to be raised by an unmarried woman! Madam Wu, I too work for a cruel and faceless empire... The Department of Motor Vehicles. May I talk to you, bureaucrat to bureaucrat? Yes. But you first must sign this form. And initial here. And here. Now we must find a notary. (CHUCKLES) This is Wang Pu's time to shine! Proceed. Madam Wu, we both love the enforcement of pointless rules. But there's a greater joy in bending the rules to help someone who thinks all hope is gone. I was this woman's husband for a few days, in name only, and beer will soon obliterate that memory, but I don't think this baby could find. Any greater love on your planet or ours. You may not believe this, but I once was a baby myself. My dad was a Ping-Pong champion. He died when the ball got stuck in his throat. The Heimlich maneuver was invented the very next day. My mom raised me alone, so I know it can be done. You may keep your baby. But, you! Drop the panda! But he loves me. Ow! Ow! Why you little... I'll endanger you... (GROWLING) (GRUNTING) Goodbye, Simpsons. You'll be back someday, Ling, as a spoiled American teenager. (LAUGHING) (LAUGHS LIKE SELMA) Something's wrong with Bart. He's acting weird. (IMITATES BART) Feast on my shorts, stupid father man. Wait, you're not Bart. Close enough. (LAUGHING) (CHINESE-STYLE SINGING) American jerks are going home. Now we sleep for a thousand years. When we wake, the world will end David Silverman here, supervising director of The Simpsons. And tonight, I'm gonna show you how to draw Bart. Now we start off with a tin can, like this. And a little tuna fish can for the bottom part of his head. A little hinge of an ear. And a big sausage for a nose. Two giant golf balls for eyes. Now here's a trick about the hair. It's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine points. And there you go. Perfect Barts every time. Now once you've mastered how to draw Bart, you can put him in all sorts of costumes. Some that he likes, some that he hates. Well, that's it, my friends. Thank you very much. Keep watching.