A Very Sunny Christmas

♪♪ ["Jingle Bell Rock"]

Charlie: How's this? This look centered?

Mac: Uh, no, you gotta move it a little to the left.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

All right, here we go. How's that?

No, your other left.

Uh, my other left? I only have one left.

It's just an expression.

Just move it to the other direction.

What would that expression be for- for someone who has two lefts?

No- No. Just move it the other way.

Move it the other way.

Towards your left.

Your left and my left are the same 'cause we're facing the same direction.

We're two different people. We can't have the same left. It doesn't make sense.

Here we go again.

Mac: Hey-yo!

♪♪ [ Stops ]

Ow. Well, all right.

Hey, go in the back. We got some more Christmas lights. We need some help.

No, we're not helping you.

Come on. It's almost Christmas.

Get into the spirit.

Let's put some decorations up.

Whoa. What in the hell is that?

Mac: Yeah. You like that?

That's an industrial-sized snow blower... we got from some dude on the Internet from the Poconos.

You know how it never snows on Christmas.

We got a backup plan this year.

We're gonna have a white Christmas out in front of the bar.

We're gonna make the snow ourselves.

If you guys love Christmas so much, why do you always wait... until the last possible minute to put up the Christmas decorations?

It is the day before Christmas.

That's our tradition.

Yeah, that's what we do.

We drink a lot of eggnog, we pass out.

And then we don't put anything up, so we do it all last minute.

Yeah. Then we wake up Christmas morning and throw rocks at trains.

Why would grown men throw rocks at trains?

Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains?

It's awesome.

It's what you do on Christmas morning.

We've been doing it since we were kids.

Look, whatever.

I'm sorry that we love Christmas and we have awesome traditions and you guys hate Christmas.

They hate Christmas because I always got the best gifts...

And Frank always gave them shitty presents.

Oh.

You think we don't like Christmas 'cause Frank got us shitty presents?

Is that really what you think?

No, Frank didn't buy shitty presents.

Frank bought the most awesome presents in the entire world.

He would find out whatever Christmas presents we wanted that year... and he would buy 'em for himself instead of buying 'em for us.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

That must have been why he wanted me to walkie you guys when you got to the bar.

'Cause he was trying to do something about making your Christmas better.

Yo, uh, Frank, the eagles landed.

They're here. So, uh, over and out. Go ahead.

[ Beeps ]

[ Frank] Tell 'em to go outside.

No. Frank, whatever Christmas presents you bought for yourself... you can bring 'em in the bar and ruin 'em in front of us in here.

[ Beeps ]

No can do.

It's too big. And, Dennis... you're really gonna wanna see this.

It's your dream gift.

[ Beeps ]

My dream gift? What does he-

Nah. No. Oh.

Oh, God, no.

[ Tires Screeching ]

[Frank Grunts ]

Goddamn it!

[ Sinister Laughter]

Merry Christmas, bitches!

Frank: Deandra?

Look at this.

A nice Sergio Giorgini bag.

You wantee?

I don't want it.

Fake-out! It's mine.

[ Laughs ]

And I use it to keep in my Cheesy Loops... and... chocolate-covered malted milk balls.

What is your problem, Frank?

Why do you do this to us every year?

I do it to you every year, Deandra... because you and your brother... never learn the lesson that I try to impart at Christmastime.

Oh, my God.

And that is... you have to earn what you get.

This principle made me a multimillionaire.

No. No, stealing millions of dollars from your ex-business partner... is what made you a millionaire, Frank.

Uh- Eugene Hamilton was a great man.

Do not speak ill of the dead.

She's speaking ill of you!

Oh, whatever.

I'm going to burn up the rubber with my Lamborghini.

[ Imitating Engine Revving ]

Oh, I got my nice Sergio Giorgini bag.

Damn son of a bitch!

[ Grunting Loudly]

How could he do this?

He's gone too far this year.

He's not even our dad anymore and he's still doing this. I can't take it anymore.

Who puts cheesy snacks and chocolate in a designer bag?

Oh, Dennis, he's gonna ruin the lining.

Well, I'm not even gonna begin to compare a $250,000 Italian sports car... to a handbag, but I get your point.

This has got to stop. However, the good news is I think there's a big opportunity in this.

What kind of opportunity?

Frank seems to think his old business partner's dead.

He's not dead?

Nope.

And that gives me a very interesting idea.

So, you wanna talk to me about Frank Reynolds.

Yes, we do. See, Mr. Hamilton, we heard about how Frank dicked you all up and down... and we thought we'd give you a chance to get some payback.

Mm-hmm.

We thought you might wanna help us because, you see, Frank thinks you're dead.

Well, I have forgiven Frank.

Uh, what?

Frank?

You see, some years ago I had a near-death experience... and I- I saw the light... and I saw the truth... of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

[ Teeth Click]

Oh. Uh-oh.

So, I have forgiven everyone who ever did me any harm.

Okay, well, uh, that's cool, because you could probably still help us.

Frank has not found the Lord yet.

No. Frank's gotten nowhere near the Lord.

Yeah, and so, in the spirit of the Lord and Christmas-

And God.

And, uh, all that, we wanna do a Christmas Carol type thing... where we show him the error of his ways... through his past, his present and his future.

See, Mr. Hamilton, we feel like if Frank can just understand... what a dick he's been to people in his past... and how he's just gonna probably end up old and alone like yourself... then maybe he'll be able to make up for some of his past mistakes.

When can I talk to Frank about his salvation?

At the end. You can do it at the very, very end.

The very end.

The very, very end. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

But in the meantime, we need you to be our ghost.

Charlie:Just being in your childhood room is giving me the Christmas spirit, bro.

Yeah, dude. It's awesome, huh?

It's pretty cool that your mom kept all your stuff.

Yeah, dude. I think I got an Omnibot around here somewhere.

You remember Omnibot?

Totally. Those were amazing.

[ Sniffs ]

Oh, my God. So cool.

Oh, check this out, dude.

Look at that. Karate trophy.

Why do you have a karate trophy?

I found that in the street.

That makes sense.

And, oh! Captain Caveman!

Oh!

Remember when we would shave the neighborhood dogs... and glue the fur to our faces and pretend we were him?

Absolutely! And then we would bash away at him and we'd bash the dogs to pieces.

Yeah! Boom! 'Member that?

[ Gasps ] Simon?

Simon.

Dude, this game was my favorite.

Do you remember how challenging this was?

Yeah. But, Charlie, don't get lost in that.

[Beeps ]

I got the first one, bro.

[ Beeps Twice ]

Uh-oh. Ew.

Ew! It just threw me a curveball here.

Did you catch that?

Uh, it went- [ Beeps Twice ]

I know, but I don't know what order.

Which one was- [ Beeps ]

Which one lit up?

The yellow and the blue both lit up.

Then press yellow and blue.

I don't remember which order it happened.

[ Beeps Twice ]

Oh. Okay.

Yeah.

You got it. You got lucky, though.

[ Beeps Three Times ]

Okay, now three happened, and I have no idea which three.

Hey-yo!

♪♪ [Scatting]

Oh!

♪ Omnibot, the freaking robot ♪ ♪ Omnibot ♪

Dude, we're gonna put a Santa hat on him.

He's gonna serve us drinks and break-dance.

That is awesome, dude!

Yeah, it's awesome.

What was he holding?

Is this his instructional video?

"Christmas day, 1 985." Oh, sh1t!

This is a home movie my dad made of Christmas.

Really?

Oh, yeah. Every Christmas morning he would videotape me opening up my presents.

Charlie: Toss that sh1t in.

Yeah, man.

Look, Son, a video camera. Hmm?

[ Laughs ]

Oh, this is something.

Can I open mine now?

No, no, keep your voice down.

Let your mother open hers first, okay?

Here we go. Here we go.

Mom.

Let's see.

Let's go, Mom.

Let's not wait.

[ Gasps ] Hon, wow!

Cashmere! Beautiful!

[ Laughs ]

Mmm!

That's gonna look good on you, baby.

Oh, yeah!

Now can I go?

Uh, not yet, Son.

Let's see what Daddy got. Hmm?

Oh.

[Wrapping Paper Rustles ]

I think I know what it is.

Would you look at this?

A brand-new stereo.

[Mother]

Oh! Look at that!

That's gonna be perfect for the living room.

Yeah!

Goddamn it! Can I goddamn go?

This is taking forever!

Okay.

Fine, fine, fine, fine. You go. You go. Yeah.

Okay. Let's see.

It's your turn. Let's see what you got.

[ Screams ] A Cabbage Patch Doll!

Uh, shh-

Yeah- You don't-

[ Screams ]

You don't have to keep yelling like that.

Man: Who's down there?

[ Woman ] Oh, my God!

[Dad] Time to go. Time to go.

Move it along. Yeah, Son, get your-

There we go. Open the door.

[ Mac Screaming]

Get the stereo. Honey, get the stereo.

[ Mac Sighs ]

That was awesome.

My dad looks really young, doesn't he?

Dude, what was it-

What was that? What happened right there?

Huh?

What was the family on the stairs?

What was that?

That was probably the next family coming in to get their presents.

What-What are you talking about?

What was happening there?

That was the Christmas tradition- where you go from house to house collecting your presents.

And then when the next family comes, you would run.

I'm not aware of this tradition, Mac.

In fact, I think that you were just stealing from that home.

Oh, no. I was taking their presents, but they were taking mine.

Yeah, dude. That's why there were never any presents at my house when I got back.

The neighbors took them.

It's a South Philly tradition, Charlie.

No. Mm-mmm. People don't do that, dude.

That doesn't make any sense.

You're telling me Christmas you would not go to your neighbor's house and take their presents?

No! No one does that!

Well, my dad told me that that was the tradition.

And your dad is like a thief and a murderer who eats people... so he's not really trustworthy.

This is really dicking with my Christmas spirit.

Okay, whoa, bro.

I got a plan.

Let's go to my house, you know.

You'll see how my mom does it. We'll get you right back in the Christmas mood.

All right?

Okay, all right. Okay.

You think-You think these chains are really necessary?

Yeah, they're necessary!

It's part of the whole thing.

It's part of the look. This is how it's gonna work.

I'm gonna pump this smoke under the door.

And then you blast in there and give Frank a good scare.

He's really gonna believe you're a ghost, so he's gonna listen to anything you say.

Definitely. You sit him down, you make him watch the videotape.

And that's what's gonna prove how horrible he's been to us all these years.

When you're doing the ghost thing, you really gotta sell it. [ Moaning ]

You know what I mean?

Make it sound real, like a ghost would.

Yeah, do it up. Do it up.

Okay.

[Smoke Hissing]

[Eugene Moaning] Frank!

Frank!

[ Snoring ]

Frank!

Put some vibrato into it.

Fra-a-a-nk!

[TV Continues ]

Fire! Fire! Fire! We're gonna die!

Frank!

We're all gonna die! We're gonna suffocate!

I gotta get out of here!

Frank!

Get out! We're gonna die!

Calm down, Frank. Calm down. There's no fire.

Eugene?

Yes.

A ghost! Ghost!

No. No, no, no.

Ghost, ghost, get out!

No!

Dee: No, Frank! Stop! Stop.

Deandra! Deandra!

Frank, you're supposed to listen to the ghost.

No, he's dead!

Calm down. Go sit on the couch and keep your mouth shut.

Just sit and listen. Thank you.

Now, yes, you're right.

Your old business partner is not dead.

But, Mr. Hamilton, do you have something you would like to say to Frank?

I do. Are you familiar with the forgiving nature... of our lord and savior Jesus Christ?

Ooh, ooh, no. Eugene.

At the end. Okay?

"For the love of God" at the end.

Okay? This is the beginning.

But if you're gonna bring God into it... can you do like the Old Testament and the covenant... and keeping your eyes closed or your face will melt... and the coins and the fear and the Indiana Jones-

No.

You know what? Just sit on the couch.

We'll take it from here. Okay?

Thank you.

Good job, buddy. Good job. Okay. Um-

Bust out the video. Let's do the video.

The tape now, right?

What the hell is this?

Welcome to your Christmas past, Frank.

Is this gonna take long, because it's cutting into my Countach time?

I was gonna go out and make some modifications to the car.

Modifications on the-

Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no. You do not make modifications on a Countach. That car is perfect.

Yeah, but I can't reach the door when it goes up.

I was gonna put a wire rig and then drop the bag.

You are gonna ruin that car, Frank!

You're gonna ruin it!

Okay. Okay.

We're gonna take you on a journey, like the Christmas Carol... and you're gonna be a better person and your life will be enriched and fulfilled-

And just watch the TV.

Hmm.

[Frank On Tape ] Okay, Dennis, Deandra, come and get your presents.

Yes! Yes, presents!

Presents! Presents!

Christmas, 1 986.

Mm-hmm.

This is where you destroyed Christmas for us forever.

Oh, no, no, no. Open the biggest one first.

That's the one.

Look at that. Yeah. That's for both of ya.

Tear it apart. Go on. What's in there?

There's nothing in there.

Fake-out! There's nothing in any of 'em!

Now go wake up your pill-head mother.

[ Tape Machine Clicks ]

Aw. Oh, this is bringing back such great memories!

The fake out was the best, right?

Right, Eugene?

No! No. Eugene, will you please tell him... what a terrible person he's been for always doing this to us, please?

What are you talking about? Eugene was the guy who taught me the fake out.

He's right. But I have changed, my good friend.

Yeah, see? He's changed.

That's the point.

He changed. And now it's time for you to change.

Yeah.

They're right. Are you ready to find the loving arms of God?

Dennis: God!

Where is your anger?

This is time to get your vengeance, guy.

[ Groans ]

Let's all go to church.

Dee: No!

Let's move on to Christmas present.

Yeah. This is-

Let's just continue the journey.

Grab your jacket.

Eugene, up, up, up, up, up.

All right.

Dennis: Come on.

Come on, Eugene. Let's go with them.

[Door Opens ]

Hi!

Wow!

Yeah, man! See, this is Christmas, right?

Yeah, your mom's really into this, huh?

She loves it. Hey, Ma!

Oh! Oh, you! [ Laughing ]

Hey!

Hey!

Merry Christmas!

I'm so excited! It's almost Christmas!

I'm so excited!

Oh, merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

Oh, you brought the vodka.

Glug, glug, glug, glug. Christmastime!

Christmastime! Drinkin' our Christmas.

Thank you. Well, listen, you guys.

Make yourselves at home.

I'll be in the kitchen making gingerbread men for my gingerbread boys.

Yeah! Gingerbread men!

All right, man.

See? Now, this is Christmas, man!

I feel it. I'm back.

Mac is back.

You got good tunes, good food on the way.

My mom and I would be excited about the Santas coming over.

Yeah. Yeah.

This is Christmas, bro!

The-The what?

The Santas that come over on Christmas to cheer my mom up.

The Santas, plural?

Yeah.

What the hell you talking about?

Oh, dude.

This was, like, the best tradition ever, man.

Man: ♪ You better watch out, you better not cry ♪

Charlie: Every Christmas morning-

[Doorbell Rings ]

I would run to the door and I'd open it, and I'd find the first Santa Claus.

♪ Santa Claus is coming to town ♪

The Santa Claus would come in, and he'd give me a present, you know, or somethin '.

Then he 'd go in the room with my mom, and cheer her up for a while.

♪ He 's gonna find out who 's naughty and nice ♪

[ Blows Kiss ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

Then the doorbell wound ring, the next Santa Claus would come.

And he'd give me a present or something or other, and he 'd go cheer my mom up for a while.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

[ Women ]♪ He knows when you're awake ♪

[ Doorbell Rings ]

Man:♪ He knows if you've been bad or good♪ ♪ So be good for goodness 'sake ♪

I didn't always understand the presents... but I always found a way to have fun with them.

♪ Santa Claus is coming to town ♪

Wait, dude. One year, Santa even brought one of his elves.

It's like a goddamn sauna up there.

Charlie: I think it was an elf.

♪ Santa Claus is coming to town ♪

The memory's kind of blurry for some reason.

Merry Christmas.

[ Laughing, Slowed Down ]

♪ You better not pout, I'm telling you why ♪ ♪ Santa Claus is comin'♪ ♪ He's comin' to town ♪♪

Ah. Charlie? I-

I hate to break this to you, man, but- but based on the story that you just told me...

I think your mother was a prostitute.

[ Chuckles ] What?

Yeah.

Come on, man!

I'm just saying, based on that story that you just told me...

I'm fairly certain that those Santas were running a train on your mom for money.

No, dude. They would just give my mom money and go in the-

[Bell Dings ]

[Bell Tolls ]

Yeah. Chew on that for a second.

Let that settle in.

No, no.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No!

Yes.

No! No!

Okay, but, no. Just relax.

Are you okay?

Ma!

Let's get you out of here. Let's get out of here.

No!

Merry Christmas, Mrs. Kelly!

No! No!

No! No!

Relax, dude. Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Okay, here we go. Come on in, guys.

What?

Why would you take me to my old real estate office?

Well, because, Frank, tonight's the annual Christmas party.

We want to show you how much your ex-employees despise you.

But I haven't worked here in years.

I mean, why is this a Christmas present to me?

It's not a Christmas present, Frank.

This is the Christmas present.

Uh, all right, Frank. Here's the plan.

We're gonna hide you somewhere in the office, so you can hear people talkin' sh1t about you.

Oh, that's cool.

Oh, I see where you're going with this now.

Sew me into the couch.

Sew you into the couch? What are you saying?

Yeah. That's what I do at home all the time- hide in the couch.

It's a great hiding place.

I catch Charlie pounding off all the time.

"Pounding off"?

Where do you get these terms?

Why do you wanna catch Charlie m*st*rb*t*ng? No, I don't care!

Let's just hide you in a closet, or under a desk, or something.

You wanna do this Christmas Carol bullshit, you do it my way.

Okay, fine. We'll sew you into a couch, Frank.

Okay, right.

Just rip off the back, take out the stuffing, put me inside and sew it up.

Man: ♪ It's the most wonderful time♪ ♪ Of the year♪♪

Excuse me, folks. Hey, happy holidays, huh?

There we go. How we doing over here?

Uh, not well.

This is ridiculous.

People are definitely starting to notice.

Of course they're starting to notice. There's a grown man crammed inside of a couch.

They're gonna notice.

Let's talk to some people. How 'bout them right there? Can you grab that guy?

Hey, you two. Hey, you two.

Hey!

How we doing at the Christmas party?

We having a good time?

Yes.

Great. Great.

So, uh, Frank Reynolds. [ Blowing Raspberry]

We were just talking about him.

He's the worst, huh?

Do you- Do you work here?

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, we pop around.

We pop around here.

We're "consultationists."

For this.

So we consult here.

We consult across the street too.

The whole street.

Is there a man in that couch?

[ Forced Laugh ]

What are you saying? A man in a couch?

Hello!

That's absurd.

I believe there's a man in that couch right there.

There is no man. There's no man!

Say some things about Frank Reynolds.

Say 'em loud, make sure they're horrible things, then we'll deal with the man in the couch.

Okay, so there is a man in the couch.

Call Frank Reynolds an asshole!

Who is Frank Reynolds?

He's the man in the couch!

Oh, my God! What are you people doing?

Will you just say something about Frank that's horrible! Call him an asshole!

Frank Reynolds is an asshole!

Oh, thank you!

[ Creaking ]

Oh, great. Now you've-

[People Gasping]

[ Growling ]

Man: Oh, Jesus Christ!

[Woman ] Oh, no! Oh, no!

What is happening?

[ Grunts ] Can't breathe! Too hot!

Why are you naked, Frank?

It's too hot in the couch.

Did you hear? She called you an asshole.

She called you an asshole.

[ Growling ]

No air! No air!

[ Roaring ]

Oh, Jesus!

[ Sighs ]

[Grunting]

[ Sighs ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

Dude, you are amazingly calm right now.

Yeah.

Are you sure you're not gonna suddenly flip out and massacre me?

No. Well, I'm doing two things.

One: I buried it down deep. And two: I'm deciding I might not believe that that actually happened.

I could be remembering Christmas wrong.

You know what I mean?

Are you sure this is one of the houses you robbed?

Yeah. This is Ricky Falcone's house. I distinctly remember getting the Omnibot here.

Wow.

I always thanked Ricky in school too.

He never had any idea what I was talking about.

No, he wouldn't know.

Hey-oh! Ricky Falcone!

Hey, buddy.

How you doin', man? Good to see you.

Can I help you?

Uh, well, why don't we have our friend do the talking?

[Motor Whirring]

[ Beeping ]

Hello, Ricky.

When you were a little boy, I was stolen from you... on Christmas day.

It was a big misunderstanding.

I miss you. I love you.

I'm sorry.

[ Clicks ]

So, you stole this from me... and now you're coming back 20 years later to return it to me?

Ooh. R- Return it? No.

Return? No.

No, not exactly.

We didn't think you'd want the robot back... seeing how as you're an adult and everything now.

You are a grown man.

It was more about the apology.

The apology, so-

We're keeping the robot.

All right. Let me get this straight.

You two assholes are coming over to show me something you stole from me... but you're not giving it back?

At this point, I believe the robot's falling under the finders-keepers law of America.

You didn't find it. You stole it.

Well, hang on a second.

I didn't steal anything. He stole it.

Technically, I am the one.

It was his family's tradition, going around stealing-

We're getting off topic.

Ricky, obviously you're in some kind of a rut.

I can tell by your clothes, and you don't look good.

I'm not in a rut.

Listen, bro. Why don't you just take the apology, stop being so hard on yourself?

It's about forgiveness! We're trying to get the Christmas spirit, dude!

Where are we-

[ Groans ]

Some people can't be helped.

That didn't go as planned.

I'm glad he didn't, you know, pound us.

This is a test, dude. We're getting tested.

It's a Christmas spirit kind of a test, you know?

Yeah?

We're getting curveballs left and right, with my mom and your folks.

We gotta rise to the occasion, dude.

We gotta step up.

Okay. I got a plan.

I love it. I love it.

I got a plan.

You're good like that, man.

Let's go to the mall, get him the hottest-selling toy this season, give it to his kids.

Oh, my God.

Then he'll forgive us, and we get the Christmas spirit back.

Then everyone gets the Christmas spirit.

Maybe we'll get him new clothes too.

That dude is in a rut.

Which way is the bus stop?

Uh, well, we came this way.

Yo. Mac, check this sh1t out right here, dude.

I bought Ricky a new shirt, you know?

Maybe he could wear it to, like, a job interview.

It's gonna clean his look up.

Get him out of that rut.

Get him out of the rut!

Maybe we should pick him up some face wash too.

Oh, my God. His skin!

Did you see that skin?

Terrible. How's it going in here?

Find any good toys?

Not good. No, actually. Let's ask this guy.

Excuse me, sir. Hi.

What is the hottest-selling toy item that you have in this store right now?

Actually, the hottest-selling item right now is Redman the Robot.

Are you serious?

Redman the Robot?

That's what the kids are into?

sh1t don't change!

All right!

sh1t don't change!

We'll take one Redman the Robot, please.

We're sold out.

Uh-

You're sold out?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, but it's Christmas Eve, dude.

You're not gonna sell out on Christmas Eve, right?

There were a lot of people here.

But it's Christmas Eve. You would stock up.

What kind of business model is that?

I get it.

Just run and go get us one of the special reserve toys I know you got back there.

Um, I'm being very serious right now.

We don't have any.

Right. So, okay. So hold on a second.

You're telling me that if Mike Schmidt were to walk in here right now... and say, "Hey, get me a Redman the Robot"... you'd say, "I'm sorry.

We're all out. We're sold out, Mike"?

Who is Mike Schmidt?

Who's Mike Schmidt!

Bro, have some respect here, man.

What are you talkin' about?

I don't know who Mike Schmidt is.

You've never heard of Mike Schmidt?

Easy, dude.

Don't lose your cool.

Twelve-time All Star, three-time baseball M.V.P.?

Maybe he doesn't know-

I don't buy it for one second, dude!

Maybe he's never heard-

He's the all-time leading home run hitter.

No, he's not the all-time leading home run hitter.

For white guys he is.

He's not even for white guys.

Babe Ruth's got more than him.

Next you're gonna tell me you don't know who Von Hayes is or Steve "Bedrock" Bedrosian.

I don't buy it, bitch!

Maybe he's not a baseball fan.

He's lying! Go get me one!

Don't lose your cool!

He's lying, dude. He's got 'em back there.

Keep the Christmas spirit.

Von Hayes walks in here, you got one for Von Hayes?

Dude, nobody knows who Von Hayes is!

Man, relax.

Aw, sh1t, dude. I'm sorry.

That's okay, man.

I lost my cool.

I don't know who doesn't know who Mike Schmidt is.

Right? It's ridiculous.

Let's just be calm, right?

It's a Christmas test. Another Christmas test.

Think of it that way.

Okay. Charlie? I got a new plan.

-Just like that?

Yeah, dude.

That's so fast.

I'm firing on all cylinders.

Okay.

It's a bit of a blessing and a curse.

Let me hear it.

Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna wait till the mall closes, break into the store... steal the robot, give that to Ricky.

No, no, no, dude.

You're stealing on Christmas again.

That's not very Christmas-like.

sh1t, dude. It's a vicious cycle.

I feel like my parents really screwed me up.

Yeah, but look at me.

I-I get curveballs from Mommy, you know?

Yeah.

But I'm standing tall.

I'm calm. I got the Christmas-

[Bell Tolls ]

♪ You better watch out♪ ♪ You better not cry You better not pout, I'm telling you why♪ ♪ Why♪

Ho-ho-ho-ho! [ Laughing ]

♪ Santa Claus is coming to town ♪

It's good. Your mom's gonna like that.

[Echoing]

♪ He's making a list, checking it twice ♪ ♪ He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice ♪

Where are you going, dude?

Charlie! What are you doing?

♪ Santa Claus is coming to town ♪

Charlie. What are you doing?

No!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry.

Merry Christmas. Bye-bye.

We don't have time for this sh1t.

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Well, hello, and merry Christmas.

So, where's your little one? Ooh!

[ Laughing ]

Oh, you're a big boy, aren't you?

[ Laughing ]

Uh, is he retarded?

Yeah. I got this one.

So, son, what would you like for Christmas, huh?

Did you f*ck my mom?

What?

Did you f*ck... my... mom?

What do you mean? I, uh, uh-

Did you f*ck my mom, Santa Claus?

Did you f*ck my mom?

No.

Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus? Did you fuck my mom? Did you fuck her? DID YOU FUCK MY FUCKING MOM? DID YOU FUCK MY MOM, SANTA? AAAAH!

[Screams ] He's biting my neck!

Charlie!

Get him off!.

He's trying to kill me!

[ Shouting ]

[People Screaming]

No, no!

Did you f*ck my mom?

Did you f*ck my mom?

You're gonna kill Santa Claus!

[Screaming]

Mommy!

[ Screams ]

Oh, sh1t. I'm sorry, kid.

Charlie, we gotta go, dude!

Come on, bro!

Dude, what the f*ck are you doing?

Did you f*ck my mom?

Mac: Let's get out of here!

Did you f*ck my mom?

Did you f*ck my mom? Did you f*ck my mom?

[ Girl Screaming ]

Santa's been attacked!

[ Screaming ]

[ Charlie Shouting ]

[ Crying ]

You think, when we leave, you could just, uh... you know, swing by my house and drop me off?

No. No. We don't have time for that sh1t, all right?

Listen, we're doing the Christmas future.

We're doing it now.

What the hell is this?

You ready?

That is Mom's grave, right?

And this, right here?

This is your eternal resting-

Yo, Deandra. That-That is not my future.

I'm not gonna be buried in a grave.

When I'm dead, just throw me in the trash.

Okay.

You know what? Just change now. Okay?

It's time for you to change, okay?

It's time for that now.

We did the Christmas past. We did the old man ghost. We did the grave thing.

Here we are.

Now it's time for you to change and give us reparations.

You give us reparations, and cars, and Lamborghinis, and goddamn money!

And purses!

You son of a bitch!

Aha! That's what this is all about, right?

[ Both ] Yeah!

You don't give a sh1t whether I change or not, do you? Huh?

It's all about you- what you want.

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!

Well, you're never gonna learn your lesson, Dennis. You're never gonna learn, Deandra.

Oh, screw your goddamn lesson!

Yeah? I'm out of here.

Who gives a sh1t about your lesson?

Just stop ruining Christmas... for us!

I didn't think that I would still be involved at this point.

So... why don't you just take me home?

You know what, Eugene?

You are useless.

You have been an awesome disappointment to us.

You have contributed nothing to any of this, Eugene!

You, yourself, have ruined Christmas!

You didn't let me talk to Frank about the peace that he would find in the Lord.

No, no, no, no! No!

We don't want to hear about the Lord anymore!

I can't stand it.

Why would I wanna hear about Jesus and the Lord?

If you think Jesus and the Lord are so great... why don't you have them swing by in their Lamborghinis and take your ass home!

That's a good idea.

Charlie: Hey, Mac.

Now, I know things weren't pretty at the mall, but we have a chance to save Christmas.

And check it out-

We can still get some Christmas spirit... if we just bring that shirt I bought over to Ricky Falcone.

The shirt. Is this the shirt that you're referring to?

Yeah!

It's covered in blood, Charlie.

Santa's blood, you goddamn lunatic!

It's not gonna work, is it?

No, it's not gonna work.

The only way that we're gonna get back the Christmas spirit... is if we get back to the basics.

You're right, man.

We're gonna throw rocks at trains.

There's just no way to get the Christmas spirit anymore, man.

Take the Christmas decorations down, you guys. I am dead serious.

Christmas is a bullshit holiday, and it is forever banned from Paddy's Irish Pub.

That's it!

Charlie: Take it easy. Have a drink. We get it.

We're starting to feel the same way.

You are?

Yeah. Christmas is just a bunch of bullshit.

You just find out that your dad stole all your presents... and that your mom gets f*cked by a series of never-ending Santa Clauses.

Charlie's mom is a prostitute, by the way.

We don't know that for sure, okay?

We know it for sure.

Let's just move past it, accept it and go.

[Phone Rings ]

I can see that.

I definitely buy that.

I can see that.

I was thinking the same thing.

Hey, guys. Frank's dead.

What?

Somebody from the hospital.

Apparently, Frank was in a car accident.

He's dead. They want us to come and identify his body.

Oh, my God.

[Machine Beeping]

[ Sighs ]

This is heavy, man. Really heavy.

I don't know that I'm ready to see his dead body.

Okay, this is his room, you guys.

Just brace yourselves.

This could be a little rough.

Yo!

What the hell is this?

[ Laughs ] Well, I knew you guys would never come to see me... so I faked my own death.

Really should have seen that one coming, right?

Yeah.

Really should have seen that coming.

So there was no car accident.

Oh, no, I spun out. Thank God the door was open, and I was thrown from the car.

And I sprained my ankle.

So you call us down here to show us that you have a sprained ankle?

No, no, no, no. I called you down here to tell you something else.

I had a vision.

I was drivin' out of the cemetery in the Countach.

♪♪ [Ballad: Backup Singers Vocalizing]

I just finished my bag of Cheesy Loops and malt balls.

I musta hit a patch of ice.

I start swirlin' out of control!

I was thrown from the car.

[ Crash ]

I musta hit my head on the pavement, 'cause everything went white... and I saw this magical land.

[ Grunting]

Whoa, this is freaky!

Oh, hello there, Frank!

Hey, who said that?

Over here!

I heard you've been a grumpy-Gussy Christmas grouch.

Yeah? So what?

Well, you need to get the Christmas spirit.

I don't need to listen to this sh1t.

Where the hell is my Countach?

I'm gettin' outta here.

Coun... tach?

Yeah. It's a Lamborghini, shit-bird.

You ever heard of one?

[ Spits ]

What the hell was that, you little green bitch?

♪ Christmas is a time for joy ♪ ♪ For every girl and every boy ♪ ♪ Rich or poor, old or young ♪ ♪ The Christmas spirit's in everyone ♪ ♪ Fa-la-la-la ♪ ♪ But you'll miss out on all the fun ♪ ♪ 'Cause you're not nice to anyone ♪ ♪ A grumpy-Gussy Christmas grouch ♪ ♪ Who hides out in his couch ♪ ♪ Watching his roommate pounding off ♪ ♪ Pulling fake outs Pulling pranks ♪ ♪ Gives your friends the Christmas cranks ♪ ♪ And this is how they will react♪ ♪ When they finally crack♪ ♪ They'll rip your arm off at the bone ♪ ♪ Eat it like an ice cream cone ♪ ♪ And gouge your eyes out with a spoon ♪ ♪ Blow them up like two balloons ♪ ♪ Keep them close so you can see ♪ ♪ As they chain-saw off your knee ♪ ♪ Bash your body with a board♪ ♪ And hang you by your spinal cord♪

[ Grunting, Gagging ]

Oh, sh1t.

♪ And then they'll rip you down so you survive ♪ ♪ Grind your legs while you're alive ♪ ♪ Throw you to a gator-pit Let them gnaw on you a bit ♪ ♪ Pull you out and stab your face ♪ ♪ Spray your wounds all full of Mace ♪ ♪ Now they're really getting brazen ♪ ♪ When you're burned by racist singing raisins ♪ ♪♪ [ Raisins Vocalizing ]

Broi I that jive turkey!

Yeah, burn his ass off!

♪♪ [ Vocalizing Continues ]

[ Raisins Laughing]

♪ But it's not too late to make amends ♪ ♪ With your family With your friends ♪ ♪ All you really have to do is ♪ ♪ Get the spirit ♪ ♪ Get the Christmas spirit ♪ ♪ Get the Christmas spirit ♪ ♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]

♪ Get the Christmas spirit ♪ ♪ Inside ♪ ♪ You ♪♪

Good-bye, folks!

Why did the elf have no pants on?

I didn't say the elf had no pants on.

Oh.

I might have added something in my brain there at the end. I've had a very strange day.

The point is, I'm a changed man... and I want another chance to give you guys the absolute best Christmas... you ever had.

Too bad, jerk! The only thing your story proves is that you're a demented asshole.

Wait a second, Dee. W-W-Wait.

Maybe there is a lesson to be learned in all of this.

The best part of Frank's story was how the four of us came together as a group... to mercilessly slaughter him.

You see what I'm saying? And I think that's what Christmas is really all about.

After all, it's the four of us really sticking together.

You're saying we've been relying too heavily on our parents to give us a good Christmas.

If we stick together, we can give each other the Christmas spirit.

That's right. I don't think it's too late for us to give ourselves a great Christmas.

Really?

I got something I gotta finish. Let's do it together.

All right!

Let's have a good Christmas!

What about me?

Oh, you go f*ck yourself in your fat f*ckin' ass.

Hey, do you guys think it's too late to get a Christmas tree?

Yeah, dude, way too late.

I don't care for fir trees anyway.

What's wrong with 'em?

I don't like the smell.

Plus they're a fire hazard.

If you're gonna get a tree, get a tree that does something.

Like an orange tree.

Where you gonna find an orange tree in Philadelphia?

We could get a bag of oranges!

Now you're thinking!

And do what? Hang 'em in the bar?

No, it'll be awesome!

We give 'em to each other as gifts!

That's a terrible gift.

All right, here we go.

♪♪ [ Hums ]

♪ O holy night ♪ ♪ The stars are brightly shining ♪ ♪ It is the night of our dear savior's birth ♪

What are you guys doing?

It's 4:00 in the goddamn morning.

♪ Long lay the world in- ♪

Hey! Shut up!

What the hell do you want?

We want to give you some Christmas cheer.

A-And a new shirt!

Yeah! I got you a shirt!

I got a little blood on that, but it's cool.

It's gonna wash out. You're gonna look sharp.

I don't want your stupid shirt.

Do yourself a favor.

Take the shirt, get out of that rut.

Hey! Shut the hell up down there!

You shut the hell up up there!

Hey, jerk-off!.

Don't make me come down there!

Come down! See what happens!

I'll bite you in your neck!

Get the hell out of here!

We're trying to give you the Christmas spirit, dick-hole!

I don't want it!

[ Woman ] Nobody wants it, assholes!

Goddamn it! Goddamn you, bitch!

You're gonna get it anyway!

Keep singin'!

♪ Fall on your knees ♪

Here's your blood, bitch!

♪♪ [ Continues ]

Man:♪ O hear♪ ♪ The angel voices ♪ ♪ O night divine♪

[ Screaming, Yelling ]

♪ O night when Christ was born♪

I knew I shouldn't have parked in front of the hydrant. I knew it. I did it anyway.

I was gonna say something.

Don't know why I didn't.

Who tows on Christmas Eve?

Christmas.

Huh?

It's been Christmas for six hours!

I don't even give a sh1t. It doesn't matter.

Let's just get blackout drunk and forget about this entire experience.

Aah! This is the worst Christmas ever!

Oh, yeah, by far.

Oh, it's a beauty.

[Electric Train Whistle Tooting]

Surprise!

Surprise!

Holy sh1t!

You put all the decorations up!

Yes, we did.

All right, all right. What's going on here, Frank?

I told you in the hospital I was a changed man.

Right after I left I went to see my old business partner, Eugene.

We made up, we came in, and we did all this.

Your old business partner?

The "scumbag" Eugene?

[ Chuckling ] Yeah.

He's not a scumbag anymore.

He's a changed man just like me, Charlie.

Go ahead. Look at all that stuff.

Are all these presents for us?

Yep. They're all for you.

Fake-out?

No. No fake outs. That's yours, hon.

And I'm gonna pay for the dry-cleaning... for the Cheesy Loops and malt balls.

[Squealing]

Redman the Robot!

You got me Redman the Robot!

Redman the Robot!

We tried to buy it in the store and the guy said it was all sold out!

We wanted to buy one for Ricky Falcone, but it was sold out!

I got the last one.

I bought the last one!

Should we give it to Ricky Falcone?

No, let's keep it.

[ Laughing, Shouting ]

Whoo!

Dennis.

What?

For you.

What do you mean?

This is yours.

Read it.

This is a Lamborghini.

Yeah. Countach. It's for you.

Don't mess with me, man.

Honest. It's out in the alleyway.

It's in the alley right now?

It's for you, Son.

Dennis: Oh, my God. This is amazing!

I feel so good doing this. It's, like, scary!

Whoo-hoo! Guys!

That's- That's my dream car!

You're giving me the Countach?

Yeah.

Oh, my God. That's amazing!

Look at the look on his face.

This is awesome!

This is an awesome Christmas, Frank!

I just want you guys to know that Eugene and I, guys like us, we can change.

Oh, yeah. Eugene, dude.

Sorry we left you at the graveyard, man.

Oh, yeah, about that-we didn't mean it.

Ah, don't worry about that.

[ Chuckling ]

But, in the spirit of Christmas reparations...

I have a little present for you, Frank.

Aw, you didn't have to do that, Euge-

[ Hammer Cocks ]

Oh!

A gun! I love guns! I got a gun of my own!

Shut up!

You stole a lot of money from me.

You wrecked my career.

You left me all alone to rot in a shit-hole apartment.

Now it's time for payback!

Now, put all those presents right here in front of me.

What?

These ones?

No! Oh, man!

Why us too? Why not just-

Come on!

Oh, man! I don't even know you, dude.

Put the keys here too. I'm taking the car.

[ Groans ]

What happened to all the God stuff?

I thought you had changed.

I'm still a liar and a thief.

[ All Gasping ]

Now, I want to leave you all... with a memory of this wonderful yuletide season.

Ah! How about... a white Christmas?

[Engine Sputtering, Droning]

Oh, you dumb b*st*rd. That thing is broken.

That ain't gonna work.

Yeah, it's from the '70s, dick.

It's not gonna work.

Really loud though.

Are you sure it doesn't work?

There's a bunch more tweaks we had to do to it.

Plus, you gotta hook it up to a water line-

[Bing Crosby]

♪ I'm dreaming♪ ♪ Of a white ♪ ♪ Christmas ♪

[ Slowed Down ] Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

♪ With every Christmas card♪ ♪ I write ♪ ♪ May your days ♪

[ Laughing, Slowed Down ]

♪ Be merry ♪ ♪ And bright ♪ ♪ And may all♪

[ Slowed-down Laughing Continues ]

♪ Your Christmases ♪ ♪ Be white ♪♪

[ Bells Jingling]

I feel like that Eugene guy was a real prick, huh?

I know, yeah.

Frank always said he was a scumbag.

I was impressed with the snow blower though.

I'm glad we don't have to return it.

I can't wait to blast the whole neighborhood.

Yeah, man.

Oh, here we go.

How you guys doing? You ready to do this?

What do we do?

-Just throw rocks at trains.

You're gonna feel better.

That's it?

That's it! Merry Christmas, everyone!

Here we go!

Yeah!

♪ Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ♪

[ Laughing ]

♪ Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring ♪

Stupid train!

♪ Snowin' and blowin' up ♪ ♪ Bushels of fun ♪

You suck!

♪ Now the jingle hop has begun ♪

Watch this one!

♪ Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Jingle Bell Rock ♪ ♪ Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time ♪

Merry Christmas, buddy.

Merry Christmas.

♪ Dancin' and prancin' in Jingle Bell Square ♪ ♪ In the frosty air ♪ ♪ What a bright time It's the right time ♪ ♪ To rock the night away ♪ ♪ Jingle bell time is a swell time ♪ ♪ To go glidin' in a one-horse sleigh ♪ ♪ Giddyap, jingle horse Pick up your feet ♪ ♪ Jingle around the clock ♪ ♪ Mix and mingle in the jinglin ' feet ♪ ♪ That's the Jingle Bell Rock ♪ ♪ Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ♪ ♪ Jingle bell chime in jingle bell time ♪ ♪ Dancin' and prancin ' in Jingle Bell Square ♪

Man: ♪ To rock the night away ♪♪

[ Voices Speaking Backwards ]