Mr. Weiner

- Bugs bunny. I have an appointment with dr. Weisberg. - Go ahead and take a seat. - Daffy? - Oh, hey, bugs. - What are you doing here? - Reading. My subscription ran out. - So you come to a doctor's office? - No, I come to a doctor's office waiting room. It's very pleasant. Fish tank, classical music. Very nice. - Someone order chinese food? - Right here. Captioning made possible by warner bros. Animation [heart thumping] - You got any sodas in here? - Shh. - Wow. This thing's like a runaway freight train. What are you so hopped up for? - I'm always telling him he's too stressed. - I'm not stressed. - Here's what we're gonna do. I want you to spend the weekend relaxing. Lots of deep breathing. No excitement. No stress. We'll check your heart again on Monday. - It's weird. I feel fine. - Oh, hey, doc, I have a quick question for you. Is there anything you can do to stretch my stomach - What are you, crazy? I'm gonna be in a hot dog eating contest At the fair this weekend. - Oh, I forgot the fair was this weekend. - Bup bup bup. No fair for you. That's too much excitement. But for me, I can't wait. I go every year. I like to win all that stuff nobody needs. A kazoo, novelty glasses. Silly straw. Snap pops. [popping] - aah! - Oh, sorry. [heart thumping] - So, what about my stomach? - You shouldn't enter that contest. Binge eating is extremely unhealthy. [ding] - Well, if I can't stretch my stomach with surgery, I'm gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way-- By gorging myself. - You're not gonna listen to your doctor? - He's not my doctor, he's yours. Sure, I've gone to him for the occasional cosmetic procedure, But even then, I had him send you the bill. - Why do you want to win a hot dog eating contest? - That is the dumbest question I have ever heard in my life. How about a lifetime supply of hot dogs, A custom-made satin jacket, And for one year, the great honor Of being called mr. Wiener. Does that answer your question? - No. [elevator dings] - Here, let me drive you home. That way you can relax. - What about your car? - Oh, it got towed. I parked in dr. Weisberg's spot. - The funny thing is, I really don't feel stressed at all. [tires squeal] - What is the matter with you?! That light was yellow! You go on yellow! - Daffy. - My friend could have a heart attack at any second! I'm trying to keep things calm for him! - Back off! - Oh, boy. - You want to fight? Oh, he wants to fight. [tires squeal] [horn honks] Stay calm, bugs, I got this. Just do some of that deep breathing. - [stammering] where's bugs? - He said he needed to lie down. He's such a frail reed, that guy. - Hello. What can I get you? - I'll have 62 hot dogs. - Say what? - That's one more than last year's winner ate. Well, not this year. Soon you'll be calling me mr. Wiener. - I already call you that. And a lot worse. How about you, porky? - Oh, I'm not eating. - Wow! That's one thing I thought I'd never hear you say. - I'm too nervous. My girlfriend's coming to town. - Ok, now that's two things I thought I'd never hear you say. - Well, she's sort of my girlfriend. We've only met once. But we talk on the phone every day. And tomorrow she's coming into town To go to the fair with me. [sighs] she's wonderful. I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about her. - Uh, I know what I would like in my stomach-- So arriba, arriba. - That's too much food, man. - I gotta stretch my stomach. - Do you know how bad that is for you? Eating that much in one sitting could kill you. Coming right up. - Oh, petunia will be here in 22 hours, 38 minutes, And 14 seconds. - You're gonna blow it. - Wh-what do you mean? - You're too eager. You're gonna scare her off. You gotta relax, chill. Otherwise she's gonna think you're desperate. Girls like a guy who plays it cool. [cell phone rings] Watch this. Hey, tina, you're gonna have to call me back. I'm in the middle of something, ok? So maybe I'll see you later, maybe I won't. So whatever. Doesn't matter either way. - You better see me later. We have a date tonight And you're picking me up at 8:30. Got it? - Well, whatever you say, my angel. I'll be counting the seconds. I'm telling you, porky, play it cool. Whoa! That's a lot of hot dogs. How can someone eat that many? - What's the most you've ever eaten? - I don't know. Any more than that, they start coming back up, If you know what I mean. - Unfortunately, we always know what you mean. - Well, here goes nothing. [chewing noisily] [gulp] [slurping and grunting] [muttering and chewing] Ooh[burps] How many was that? - 4. - [groans] 4. Well, Maybe I could do another half. [snarf, munch] [gulp] uhh. [retching] It's comin' back up! It's comin' back up! [music plays] [soothing music playing] [heart beating fast] - It's still beating like crazy. What is the matter with me? [loud buzzing] aah! What on earth are you doing?! - I'm building a ramp. - For what? - I'm performing a death-defying stunt At this weekend's fair. - Are you, uh, qualified for that sort of thing? - Nope. But it don't matter. It's my legacy. It all started with my great-granddaddy, Rocky mountain sam. He once jumped a horse-drawed carriage Over 15 cows. Then there was old grand-dad, Death valley sam. He jumped a model t over 15 model ls. - OK. [clank] - Then there was my daddy, Grand canyon sam. Some say he was the greatest daredevil of 'em all. He jumped a motorcycle over 15 school buses. - You gonna jump a motorcycle over a bunch of school buses? - No. I'm a-gonna jump a school bus Over a bunch of motorcycles. - EhGood luck with that. - Will you help me? Please? I don't know how to build a ramp. I ain't never done a stunt. I'm not a daredevil. - Then don't do it. - I gots to. Because I can't go down in history As the only sam who never jumped one thing Over a bunch of other things. - I'd love to help you, But I'm under doctor's orders to take it easy this weekend. - I'm not asking you to do the stunt, I'm just asking you to figure out how to do the stunt. - [sighs] so you want to jump a school bus Over how many motorcycles? - Right. I think we're gonna need a calculator. - A calculator?! I said a school bus! Whoa! Oof! [creaking, rumbling] Ohh! - [munching] [gulp] yes! And they're staying down. - They'd better. - Well, all I have to do now Is figure out how I'm going to cram 57 more down my gullet. I gotta stretch this dude out. - I can't believe you're doing all this for a stupid satin jacket And so people will call you mr. Wiener. - Well, truth be told, there's another reason. It's my legacy. It all started with my great-grandfather dipsy duck. He ate 54 huckleberry pies in a pie-eating contest And won a horse-drawn carriage. Then there was my grandfather doofus duck. He ate 112 corncobs in a corncob-eating contest And won a model t. And then there was my father, dummy duck. He ate 14 buckets of fried chicken In a fried chicken-eating contest And won a school bus. He still drives it to this day. Now do you understand why I have to win? - Do any of the guys in your family have normal names, Like david or doug? - I have a cousin named dimwit duck. Look, tina, the point is, I have to win So I don't go down in history As the only duck who didn't win a contest By gorging himself on carnival food. And also I really want that satin jacket. [sighs] [munching, chewing] [gulp] [retching] Bllucch! [drumroll, flourish] - What are we doin' playin' with models? We oughta be building the real thing. - I told you, I don't want anything to do with the real thing. My heart is racing just thinking about it. [heart racing] I need to relax. - Why do you need to relax? Your life ain't stressful. Near as I can tell, you sit around In a big house all day doing nothin'. [classical music playing] - Ok. Your school bus weighs approximately 14,000 pounds. And this ramp is at an angle of 22 degrees. So, you need to be going no less than 89 miles per hour, But no more than when you hit the ramp So that you can travel the 72 feet over the 15 motorcycles. Now, you have to land exactly on the front edge Of the landing ramp, Otherwise you lose control and crash. So, 89 miles per hour, Land on the front edge of the ramp. Got it? - [snoring] - Yosemite! - Huh? What? Uh, sorry. That classical music's just so dang relaxing. [airplane] [cell phone rings] - [muffled] hey. I just wanted to remind you To play it cool with petunia. - What? - Oh, sorry. I was eating. I'm up to 7 hot dogs. I just want to remind you to play it cool with petunia. - Oh. Right. - Porky, I am serious. Serious like a heart attack. Sorry, bugs. You cannot blow this. Remember, you come from a long line of pigs Who have blown it. Need I remind you Of your great-grandfather pudgy pig, Your grandfather, plumpy pig, And your father, plus-size pig. - You know, my dad's name is alan. - The point is, they all blew it. You gotta break the chain, porky. Play it cool. Unless you want to lose petunia forever. - Uh--she's here! [beep] - Good. I gotta go anyway. That's tina on the other line. Oh, darling I hope I didn't keep you waiting. You're gonna blow it. Play it cool. - Oh! Porky, it's so good to see you. I'm so excited for our weekend! - Ok, cool. [music playing] - [laughs] oh, this is so much fun. I haven't been to the fair since I was a little girl. Oh, look! Cotton candy! [laughs] Do you like cotton candy? - Are you kidding? I could eat c-cotton candy all day-- [stammering] uh, uh, I mean Oh, I can either take it or leave it. - Hey! They have a roller coaster! - Should we go on? - Are you crazy?! I mean, I don't know. Whatever. - Is everything all right? You seem strange. - I'm cool. [babbling] - Say, uh, speedy, give me all your churros. - Are you crazy? - I gotta stretch my stomach. But the idea of eating another hot dog makes me sick. And in two hours I gotta eat 62 of them. - There's no way you're gonna win, man. Have you seen last year's winner? - Whew. He looks like he could eat 62 of you. - [shudders] Hey, look! There's a fortuneteller! [soothing music playing] - Continue to breathe deep, relaxing breaths. [telephone rings] - What angle's the ramp supposed to be at? - What? - What angle should the ramp be at? And how fast am I supposed to go? And what part of the ramp am I supposed to land on? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sam, slow down. What--what's wrong? - I'm panicking! I'm spiraling! I got so used to that teeny model, Now it all looks so big and scary! [panting] you gotta come help me. I need you here. My heart's a-racin'! - That's exactly why I can't come. You shouldn't be there either. - Bugs, please, I'm beggin' you! I need the emotional support! You're my best friend! - What? - Nothin'. I didn't say nothin'. Just come done here. - Fine. Dr. Weisberg's gonna kill me, If my heart doesn't first. [ring] Hi. Please leave a message. [beep] - Bugs, it's dr. Weisberg. Look, look, look, I'm on the internet And I think I might have misdiagnosed your condition. Turns out your heart is beating fast because You're a rabbit! That's where they get the expression, "my heart's beating like a rabbit," huh? Anyway, there's nothing wrong with your heart. You're fine. You're in perfect health. So go have some fun. Enjoy your life. Live a little! Ok, enough work for a Saturday. I'm going to the fair. - [accent] in my crystal ball I can see the past, The present, and the future. - Lola, you're not a fortuneteller. - Uh, my name is madame zoldor. So - What do you see, madame zoldor? Will I win the hot dog eating contest? - Let me see. It's murky. Aha! I see hot dogs! So many hot dogs. - Really? At a hot dog eating contest? - [gasp] I see you! - [gasp] - You're eating hot dogs. So many hot dogs. - More than 5? Do I win? - Yes, you win! You are the winner! - I knew it! Thank you, madame zoldor! - Does the lady want her palm read? [drops accent] or maybe a manicure? I'm actually a little better at those. - Ohh. I think ferris wheels are kind of romantic. Don't you? - [sighs] [stammering] they're all right. - Porky, you just seem so different from when we met. - Well, I don't know what to tell you, petunia. This is me. This is who I am. I'm relaxed and I'm cool and I'm chill. [clanking] Aah! Wh-what's happening?! - We must be stuck. - W-w-we what?! We're hundreds of feet off the ground! Help! Somebody help us! Aah! Aah! I always knew I'd d-d-die this way! [teeth chattering, knees knocking] - I think madame zoldor might be crazy. There's no way my stomach's big enough to eat all these. - Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 35th annual Mr. Wiener hot dog eating contest. [cheering and applause] - UhThat satin jacket is mine. - On your mark Get set Go! [music playing] - Hey, why isn't it fixed? What's taking so long? When are they gonna fix it?! - Porky, calm down. It's gonna be ok. - Mm. Uh, petunia, um, There's something I have to tell you. Ever since I picked you up at the airport, I've been trying to play it cool. - Why? - Because I was afraid if you saw How excited I was to see you, You'd think I was d-desperate. But the truth is, I am excited to see you. Also, you should know that I love cotton candy, And--and I think you're the greatest girl I've ever met. I g-guess I blew it, huh? - Good luck. If you need me, I'll be over there, not watching. - Ladies and gentlemen, Direct your attention to the infield Where local daredevil yosemite sam Will attempt to jump a school bus Over 15 motorcycles. [engine revving] - [grunting] I can't reach the pedals! You gotta do the stunt with me. You gotta be my feet. - [exhales] Are you crazy? - No. I'm a sam. And if I don't do this, I'll be the first sam Who ain't never accomplished nothin'. [sobbing] [bang] - Move over. - Oh, thank you! I knew you was my best friend! I mean neighbor. [music playing] - [gulp] [chewing and munching] [gulp] - We have a winner! Daffy duck! - [gasp] - [cheering] - Yeah! Ha ha! Whoo! - I told him not to enter that hot dog eating contest. I told him. - [cheering] - Well, this is it. [classical music playing] - It'll help me relax. Don't fall asleep at the wheel. - You're listening to classical 103. 1. [classical music continues] - [cheering] [brakes squeal] - [cheering] - [grunting] I'm alive! I can't believe it! - Uhh! I can't believe they don't have seatbelts on school buses. [crash] ohh! - Oh, it's so romantic up here. I hope they don't ever fix this ferris wheel. [stammering] d-d-daffy? - That's mr. Wiener! [music playing] [pop] - So go have some fun. Enjoy your life. Live a little! [beep] - I think a death-defying stunt qualifies. - Unbelievable! They're stripping me of my title Because they said I cheated. I'm not allowed to call myself mr. Wiener! - I'll call you mr. Wiener. - Thanks. That's why you're my best friend. - Don't tell yosemite that. Captioning made possible by warner bros. Animation Captioned by the national - Look what I won at the fair. Now I can drink out of my hat. [slurping]