Green-Eyed Monsters

Loofah here...

Loofah there.

Loofah, loofah everyw...

(Screams)

(Lizard screeching)

Ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh!

(Screaming)

Open up the hangar, here comes the airplane!

(Imitates whirring)

Ravi, do Kipling's babies have to eat every meal with us?

Not that we don't enjoy their little footprints in the butter.

Now if could just train them to jump in the jam and scurry across my toast.

What is this?

Aw, one of my little treasures has shed its skin!

They grow up so fast.

Mmm.

Yeah, I thought this bacon was a little scaly.

And yet, you ate it.

(All gagging)

Emma: Ewe!

This is the most disturbing thing I've ever seen!

(Screaming)

Second most disturbing thing.

Still number one for me.

And I helped a Texas Longhorn give birth.

I really earned that merit badge.

Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

It feels like a party every day.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

But they keep on pulling me every which way.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

My whole world is changing.

Turning around.

They got me going crazy.

Yeah, they're shaking the ground.

But they took a chance on the new girl in town.

And I don't want to let them down, down, down.

Hey Jessie.

Hey Jessie.

It feels like a party every day.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie.

Okay, I called this family meeting, because there seems to be some unspoken tension about Ravi's lizards.

And by unspoken, I mean endless loud whining.

Ravi, would you care to respond?

(Snoring)

My babies complete me.

I have never been happier.

Poor Ravi. You look like a sleep-deprived raccoon.

And not in a good, high-fashion way.

I cannot cope!

Why did no one tell me parenthood would be like this?

If kids came with warnings, I'd have been out of here a long time ago.

If butlers came with warnings, we would have hired a maid.

Twelve tiny mouths are eating my very soul!

I have no me time, I have no yoga time...

And I have no social life!

You can't put that one on the lizards, buddy.

True.

I have but one person to blame for my misery.

Oh, Ravi, don't be so hard on yourself.

I'm talking about you!

You are the nanny here.

Child care is your responsibility.

Human child care.

That's all I signed up for.

I have your contract right here.

There is a lizard clause.

What?

Let me see that.

"Lizard clause."

Aha!

"One Giant Asian Water Monitor."

Hey! I'm supposed to get two nights off per week?

When has that ever happened?

How hard can it be to babysit a few lizards?

Ooh, light bulb!

Zuri, I am prepared to make you my part-time lizard nanny, at a highly competitive rate of one dollar per hour.

Who do you think you're dealing with?

Jessie?

Two bucks per hour. Per lizard.

Deal!

Murray's Yoga Workshop with complimentary Vegan snacks, here I come!

Aw, you're such a cute little lizard.

No! How are they supposed to breathe?

Quit hovering!

You're such a helicopter parent.

No! No!

Oh, you punctured my most prized pantry pal! (Sobbing)

Oh, farewell, freshness.

You really need to make some friends.

A movie under the stars.

How romantic.

I know.

Petey: Hey, Jessie!

Oh, hi, Petey.

So, did the Ross' get a new kid?

What country are you from, little guy?

I'm from hands-off-the-hair-landia.

Huh. I would have guessed Greece.

Petey, I want you to meet my boyfriend Tony.

Oh, look, the movie's starting.

See ya, pal.

No way! Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

I love this movie!

Me too!

This is Peters.

Until further notice, I'm on a 12-66.

What's that?

Code for bathroom break with a high level of difficulty.

That's anything over three minutes.

What's the code for picnic-crashing?

That's a 12-34, if there's bears involved.

(Laughs)

I never get tired of that movie.

Wait, wait, wait. What about the scene with the knights who say ni?

(Laughs)

I don't get it.

Both: They say, "ni!"

No, I mean I don't get why he's still here.

If I took a bathroom break that long, they'd confiscate my Epaulets.

I wish I could be as funny as the Pythons.

You know, you should try my improv class.

I mean, do you think I was born this funny?

I wasn't gonna say anything, but yeah.

I would love that, Petey!

Oh, we're gonna have so much fun!

Oh! (Laughs)

Hello? Remember me?

Oh. Right.

Thank you for the wonderful date, Tony.

I had a great time, too.

Okay, kids, time for bed.

Aw, just five more minutes?

Scooter still has the high score.

Wait! Stop it. Come back here!

Ah, the sauna was delightful.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why are my little Angels up past their bedtime?

You want them to stay in bed?

Hand me that stapler.

(Gasps)

You monster! How could you?

Okay, okay, who is being a monster?

Besides the actual baby monsters.

Zuri threatened to staple my babies to their beds!

Hey, did I ever tell you kids about my ex-boyfriend who worked at the mattress store?

He got fired for sleeping on the job.

(Laughs)

See, because he was sleeping on the... it was his job...

Wait, that gives me an idea!

We can use Jessie's love life to bore the little suckers to sleep.

Once upon a time, Jessie had a lousy boy friend named Thadd.

Was he the one with the oddly hairless legs?

No, that was Brad.

Thadd had the big ears and bad gas.

Look! It worked!

(Snoring)

You go for guys with big ears and bad gas?

He had a car!

So, what I'm hearing is I'm two for three right now.

Hi, Tony! Did a package come for me?

I ordered 40 pairs of shoes from Paymore.

You know you only have two feet?

Don't remind me.

Emma, I need advice.

Are you as good with relationships as you are with shopping?

Well, shopping is like my superpower.

Butting into other people's business is more of a hobby.

So have you noticed that, Jessie's been spending a lot of time with this officer Petey character?

Oh, Tony, Petey's not interested in Jessie.

I'm surprised you are.

Have you seen her eat barbecue? Ugh!

I sure have.

I don't think you have anything to worry about.

But if you want, I can do some snooping around.

I know where Jessie keeps her diary.

I read it to put myself to sleep.

Thanks, Emma.

My pleasure, Tony.

You know there isn't anything I wouldn't do for... (Gasps)

(Screaming) Shoes!

See ya, Tommy!

You do your improv at the Twin Dragon Noodle Cafe?

And theater.

Welcome to the big time, kiddo.

Now remember, improv is just comedy without a script.

You make it up as you go.

There's only one rule.

Do you know what it is?

No.

Okay, you just broke it!

No matter what, you never say no.

Huh. That's how Bertram feels about naps.

Okay, whenever someone asks you a question, the answer is always, "yes and"...

That way the scene keeps going and the ideas keep flowing.

Got it?

Yes, and...

That's all I got.

Okay, new rule. Be funny.

Okay.

My father was so upset he just, he couldn't stop crying.

Yes, and then your mother said, "I'll give him something to cry about."

Excuse me?

Yes, and then she slapped him!

(Sobbing)

Oh! Oh! Oh, we're not, we're not doing improv right now, are we?

No, I'm talking about my grandma's funeral.

But good effort.

Did you just make Malcolm cry?

Yes, and I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna be invited to his grandma's wake.

Bertram: So why the disguise?

I do not want Zuri to know I am spying on her.

Okay, but I think the seven-foot lizard might give you away.

(Growling)

Good afternoon, ladies.

(Chomping)

(Screams)

Oh! Sorry about that. Scooter's teething.

(Screams)

Don't worry.

His saliva is only a little toxic!

Zuri, I do not want my babies biting strangers.

We do not know where they have been.

And why are my little ones not wearing sunscreen?

Like they do in the jungle?

No back talk, please.

It sets a bad example.

Now, Mrs. Kipling and I are going to the groomer to get our claws done.

Please be very careful with her precious hatchlings.

Oh, don't worry.

I'll guard them with my life.

Tony: (On intercom) Psst! Emma!

God?

I know you're there because I just got 40 pairs of new shoes!

It's me, Tony.

Jessie's on her way up.

Find out if she's fallen in love with Petey, planning to have five kids, and move to New Jersey.

Don't be ridiculous.

Nobody moves to New Jersey.

Hey, Jessie! You look happy.

Why?

Because I had a few hours off?

To which I am contractually entitled.

We need to chat.

Whoa!

Okay, once I had a favorite pair of peep-toe heels.

I loved them, but then I got a cute new pair of wedges, which made my peep-Tonys, I mean, my peep-toes really jealous and sad.

Which wasn't fair, because they were cute and loyal and meant for me.

Do you get what I'm saying?

If you want your shoes back, why don't you just ask?

Here.

There.

Thanks for stretching them out!

They used to be a size six.

Now a little old woman could raise a family in them!

You think slinging lemonade is tough?

I'm running myself ragged, while Ravi's at the nail salon, sitting on his penny-pinching, lizard-loving...

(Clear throat)

Oh, hi, boss!

Nice manicure. Shiny buff?

Where are my babies?

Uh, playing.

Playing where? With whom?

Do we know their parents?

Relax. The baby lizards are right over there.

You let them go?

Unleashed and unsupervised?

And now you have lost them!

(Screaming)

Oh, I just remembered. They're over there.

Oh, and I just remembered, you are fired...

Like a tikka kebab in a clay oven!

Can you believe how some people treat their servants?

No, I can't.

Get me some peanuts.

Jessie, how about a movie later?

Oh, I'd love to, but I can't tonight.

I'm doing my first ever improv performance.

Oh. Is Petey going to be there?

Of course.

Then I want to come.

Oh. Thanks, but...

It's my first time in front of an audience and I'm already kind of nervous.

I'd rather wait until I'm better for you to come.

Thank you for understanding.

Did you see that? She just blew me off.

Obviously, she and Petey are a thing!

I guess she just prefers a man in uniform.

You're wearing a uniform.

Oh, right. I should point that out!

Look, if you really want to know what Jessie and Petey are up to, there's only one way to find out.

You and I should just sneak into the performance ourselves, and see how they act when you're not there.

But Jessie told me not to come.

Who cares what she says?

She's cheating on you!

Just kidding.

Oh.

Probably.

You're right. We should go. Wait!

What if we can't get tickets?

It's a bunch of unknowns doing improv, on a weeknight in the back room of a noodle shop.

I doubt it's sold out.

Boy, it sure is hot here...

On the sun!

We should've come at night!

See? They're just doing improv.

It's not romantic or funny.

You ordered food?

A jealous rage can work up an appetite!

Hey, I like your spacesuit.

He can't talk to her like that!

Thanks, I got it on sale at the Zero Gravity Galleria.

"Everything goes up but our prices!"

I don't know what stinks worse, this scene or those fish balls.

Let's go.

They're delicious, and we're staying.

I need to make sure no funny business happens.

The name of the troupe is Noodle-Doodle-Do.

Trust me, nothing funny is going to happen.

Petey: Oh, thanks! Thanks so much!

For our last scene, we need an occupation.

Girlfriend-stealing cop!

Way to be subtle.

Got it! Here is a scene entitled...

"Girlfriend-stealing cop."

Oh!

(Imitates engine revving)

(Both laughing)

(Imitating siren wailing)

(Knocking)

(Squeaking)

Is this your girlfriend?

Sure is.

Ha! I do not care!

I am French and I am stealing her.

Ooh, la, la!

Uh-huh-huh!

Step out of the car. And let us dance.

One, two.

I told you he was a snake!

He's only doing what you suggested!

Oh!

Ooh, officer Pierre, you're making me forget all about my boyfriend!

Uh-huh-huh!

What?

I need a suggestion for a body part!

All: Face!

Tony, what are you doing?

We can't use props!

Who is a cute little lizard? You are.

Hmm, I suppose you came to apologize.

You supposed wrong.

You owe me money. So make it rain.

I will not even make it drizzle!

You abandoned my poor, defenseless lizards!

Defenseless?

They gnawed the wrinkles off that old lady's face!

Because you were not watching them!

I trusted you with their little lives!

Well, that was your first mistake.

To save time, I just keep my goldfish in the toilet!

Until you apologize, we are not speaking.

And till you pay me, we're not speaking.

Very well. Let the veil of silence descend upon us.

Henceforth, not a single sound shall be uttered by...

Hup! Clearly you do not understand the meaning of not speaking!

I'm really, really sorry I ruined your show, Jessie.

You should be.

I haven't been that embarrassed since...

Okay, well, it actually hasn't been that long, but...

I'm still mad at you.

And you have every right to be.

It just seems like you and Petey have so much in common, I feel left out.

I can't believe I let my jealousy get the best of me. That was so stupid.

That was stupid.

And I loved it.

No guy has ever violently noodled somebody for me before.

You're the best, Jessie.

And it's not like Petey's always gonna be hanging around, right?

Right.

So, no hard feelings?

Nah. Improv is a dangerous business.

I knew that when I signed up.

In that case, would you mind?

Of course.

And if you keep going to improv with Petey.

I promise I won't get jealous again.

Great! So, Petey, when's our next class?

Yeah, about that.

Jessie, the board of directors of Noodle-Doodle-Do, did not accept your application to join.

What? Who's on the board?

Malcolm, Chef Chung, and myself.

I'm sorry about that.

Well, I've got to go.

I'm late for Malcolm's grandma's wake.

I'd invite you, but, you know...

Yeah.

Aw, man!

Now I got you booted out of Noodle-Doodle-Do.

It's okay.

At least now I'll have more time to spend with my favorite guy.

A new guy? Who is he?

I'll pound him like a veal cutlet!

It's you, ya dope.

Oh, right.

Stupid jealousy.

Hmm.

Will you forgive me if I take you out for a nice dinner?

Yes, and...

Buy you flowers?

Yes, and...

Take you for a carriage ride around the park?

Yes, and...

And if this doesn't end soon, I'm gonna have to take out a loan.

You're forgiven.

Ooh, I love carriage rides!

I call shotgun! Come on.

Ravi: Mowgli, Gupta, Tikki, please just go to bed!

(Sobbing)

Wow, babies are a real pain.

And it just gets harder.

Wait till they start dating.

What am I saying?

Ravi, I know we're not speaking, but...

I really understand how you feel.

Kids are tough.

You're telling me.

For a moment, I actually considered using the stapler.

Maybe this will help.

I made it for them.

Well, actually for you.

See? I decorated it like a jungle, so they'll feel at home.

Thank you, Zuri.

That is so thoughtful.

Now that we are friends again, please, please, please, take the midnight feeding!

Hey, just because Bertram banned lizards from his tub.

Doesn't mean you can slither into mine.

Okay, fine. But don't use up all my moisturizer. It won't help.

(Growls)

Wait a minute!

Where's my rubber ducky?

(Burps)

(Squeaking)

Professor Quackers?

Give it back! (Burps)

Jessie, I...

Wish I could un-see that.