Cali Christmas-A-Rooney

1 You guys, it is our first Rooney family Christmas in California! Who's excited? Oh, you know I am! Here, everyday is shorts weather and my sculpted calves can finally breathe. Wa-cha-chow! Ah, ladies likey. Joey, nobody likey. In fact, um everybody hatey. Why is Dad coming out here next week to this sun-blasted wasteland? We should all be going to Wisconsin. Don't you guys want a Christmas where the slush spills into your boots and freezes your toes until you, like, scream in pain? I love wearing boots, the rest of that sounds really awful. What do you want for Christmas? I don't know, Liv. I can't think about Christmas. It's like 90 degrees. Actually, it's 82 with chance of handsome weatherman coming your way! All: Johnny Nimbus! Oh, Rooney Family! You are a sight for sore eyes. And I do mean my eyes are sore 'cause I've been crying. Yeah, it's tough to break in as a weatherman in a city where it's always sunny! Well, I know you've been working a little. Your lovely wife Gemma and I have been listening to you do play-by-play for Mexican wrestlers. Oh! SÃ­, sÃ­. La Federacion de Combate Mortal es muy bueno. Y tambien, I'm hosting the holiday toy drive here at The Cove. That's amazing. We just donated some toys. Yeah, hopefully it will put some smiles on kids' faces. Oh, that's great! Hey, stop by tomorrow. I'm hosting the best Santa contest. The winner gets to hand out toy donations to kids who wouldn't otherwise have presents. Oh, I am in! I love handing out toys to kids because they are forced to like you. No flaws in that logic. Well, I got a Christmas tree to light. Oh, hey. Look at that, Maddie. Johnny Nimbus lighting the Christmas tree. It's like we're back in Stevens Point. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That actually does make me feel a little bit better. Hello, holiday shoppers! Who's ready to light this candle, huh? (Cheering) (Drumroll) (Fanfare) Seriously? Dude, a palm tree is not a Christmas tree. You know what? I'm gonna get out of here before somebody hangs kale instead of mistletoe. Joey, I just thought of the perfect present for Maddie. - Yeah? - I'm gonna give her a Wisconsin Christmas! Oh, that's a good idea. What are you getting me? Pants. (Theme song playing) Better in stereo Bet-bet-better in stereo - I'm up with the sunshine - Let's go - I lace up myhigh-tops - Oh no Slam dunk, ready or not Yeah, show me what you got - I'm under the spotlight - Holler I dare you, come on and follow You dance to your own beat I'll sing the melody When you say yea-ah-ah I say no-oh-oh When you say stop All I want to do is go go go You, you, the other half of me, me The half I'll never be-e The half that drives me crazy You, you, the better half of me, me The half I'll always need But we both know We're better in stereo Whoa! Looks just like our house in Wisconsin. Oh, except this one's still standing. This family just does not let things go! Sweetie, that's how families work. So, Liv asked me to make a gingerbread version of our house. She is giving Maddie a surprise Wisconsin Christmas because she is homesick. Homesick for what? The cold, the ice, the howling wind? The only thing that I miss are snow days. What's a snow day? Oh, Ruby, sometimes in Wisconsin, it snows so much that they cancel school. You mean you get a day off school and you don't even have to fake being sick? Because I hear some kids will fake being sick. Yeah, one time we got a whole week off of school. I forgot how to spell! Man, I wish we had snow days here in Santa Luego! Challenge accepted! One snow day experience for my Cali cuz coming up. This chimney looks delicious. (Alarm blaring) Yeah, I took precautions so you wouldn't destroy our house again. Ah! Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, family. Ho, ho! Mom, your light placement is awful. The Santa look is great on you, Joe. I totally think you're gonna win this contest. Oh, yeah. It is not my first time rocking the red suit. Plus, I just happen to have a collection of white wizard beards. Oh. Okay, well, hurry home because we are surprising Maddie with a Wisconsin Christmas right after her team holiday party. Oh, yeah. Sounds like you're planning quite the Christmas spectacle. Yeah, yeah. We just need to add the Wisconsin, so I ordered some brisket from Beef McGravy's and our family ornaments are coming. They were in the garage, the one place you and Parker didn't destroy. Santa says, ho, ho, ho, let it go. But wait, honey. How are you gonna get the ornaments? Dad's not coming till next week. They are coming with one more super-cool, I'm-an-amazing-sister thing for Maddie's Wisconsin Christmas. - (Doorbell rings) - (Squeals) - (Gasps) - Merry Christmas! - Diggie! - Diggie! Santa answered my letters. Oh! Hey, thank you so much for bringing these, Diggie. Yeah, thanks for flying me out to surprise Maddie. I just would have been stuck at home all weekend with Artie. He and the minions are into Double Dutch recently. It's really weird. So how was your flight? Good, thank you for asking. Although, I am kind of regretting holding takeout from Beef McGravy's the whole way. - (Sniffs) - Oh, no, don't be. You smell like home. (Both sniffing) Mmm! And you got mashed potatoes too. Ah! Gravy and nostalgia. Maddie is gonna love this Christmas! - (Groans) - (Door slams) I hate this Christmas! Maddie, honey, what you doin' home? You were supposed to be at your team holiday party. Yeah, I was. I was at a pool party. Oh! Mm. A Christmas party at a pool! I mean, who does that? - Californians. - Yeah. Okay, ooh. Wait. Why are we hiding? Let's just tell Maddie I'm here. No! No, no, no. No, we can't do that. I mean, everything's not set up yet, and it has to be perfect. Do I smell Beef McGravy's? That is impossible. - You're just homesick. - Mom Don't go in the kitchen, Maddie! Maddie's coming! Surprise! What surprise? Surprise! You made it into the first paragraph of the Rooney Roundup Holiday Newsletter. Ugh! Of course there's no Beef McGravy's. Maddie, no! No! No! "No," what? Know this song? Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh You know, it's "Jingle Bells. " (Gasps, pants) - That was a very close call. - Yes. We should get Maddie's surprise set up before she comes back down. Yes, I completely agree. But first one more hit of home. (Both sniffing) Oh, that's the stuff. This is so weird. Mm! Hello, shoppers! It is time for our Mr. North Pole Santa Contest. Time to find the best Santa in Santa Luego! Hey! And if you like this show, don't forget to donate a toy to our holiday gift drive, all right? But now, let's meet Santa wannabe number one. Ho, ho, ho-ey. It's Santa Joey. Ho, ho! Drop a present in the toy drive bin and I'll put you on my nice list. (Laughs) All right, without further ado, let's meet Santa number two. No gut? No beard? Have they even heard of Christmas out here? This Kringle is gonna crush it. And now it's time for our final Santa. Man: Drop that tasty Christmas beat. ("Jingle Bells" thumping over speakers) Todd Stetson? What are you doing in California? Wisconsin couldn't contain all this Toddness. And ditch the shirt, you're killing the mood. Okay, Todd. Uh But nothing about you says Santa. Well, me and my reindeer beg to differ. Meet Dasher, Prancer, Comet, Donner, Blitzen, and Cheryl. (Cheering) Okay, there's no reindeer named Cheryl, Todd. The audience doesn't care, Joey. Todd Stetson's running away with this Mr. North Pole thing. (Cheering) I'm ready for my snow day! What do we do first? This is how a snow day works. It's been snowing all night, and now we huddle around the radio to see if our schools are closed. Nimbus: Hello, children of Los Angeles! Johnny Nimbus is here to announce the school closings during this snow storm. I had Johnny Nimbus record a fake radio broadcast to make it authentic for Ruby. He also recorded some classic Christmas songs. But that's for me! Nimbus: The following schools will be closed: Woodfax Elementary, Valley North Academy, Larsen Middle School, BOOMs. BOOMS, yes! Snow day. Also, kids who work on Sing It Louder! Yeah! Sweet! What now? No school? Time to change back into our pajamas. I love snow days. Can this get any better? Well, in Wisconsin, we'd go outside and build a snowman, go sledding, and have a snowball fight. That sounds awesome! Too bad we don't have any snow. Oh, Ruby. You poor child. When did you stop dreaming? And our Mr. North Pole Santa Contest is down to two finalists! Santa Todd. (Cheering) And Santa Joey. Next up, they're gonna show us what they think Christmas should look like. First up, Santa Todd. (Cheering) I will be making a toy with two power tools. Joey: Okay. You're not even making anything. Sure I am. I'm making Los Angeles swoon. (Cheering) - Sorry, Joey, just not your night. - Aah! This crowd loves them some Todd Stetson. - (Camera clicks) - Joey: I don't get it, Johnny. I mean, I could obviously bust out my arm cannons and wow this crowd, but that's not what Christmas is all about. Well, Joey, why don't you show these people what you think Christmas looks like. You know what, Johnny, I will. But I need reinforcements, so can you stall for me? (Scoffs) Did you just ask Johnny Nimbus to fill time? Hello, Angelenos! I cannot wait to see the shocked look on Maddie's cute little homesick face. Yay. Okay, so when she opens the box, you jump out and you yell, "Merry Wisconsin Christmas!" - Okay, got it. - Okay. Okay. Okay, so I know that you think you got it, but just trust me on this, your instinct is going to be to yell, "Surprise!" Yeah, but I won't. I'll yell, "Merry Wisconsin Christmas. " Okay. Yeah, no, good. Just do it better than that. So, you will not be able to open the box from the inside. I'm gonna go get Maddie. - Okay. All right. - Okay. - Oh, oh, oh! Oh. - What? What? Okay. What if we have, like, a bunch of balloons in here and then when the box opens, the balloons go everywhere! - That'd be so crazy! Diggie, get in the box. - Yeah. But, okay, you can pick out the color, and I'll blow them up myself. Okay. Yay. All right, nice and cozy. I'm gonna go get Maddie and she's gonna be so excited. Diggie: Okay, hurry back. It's dark in here, Liv. No talking in the box! Ho, ho, ho. This is all gonna go. It was time to show that jerk, Todd Stetson, the true meaning of Christmas. By stealing my family's Christmas. (Humming "Deck the Halls") (Humming "Deck the Halls" aggressively) Why am I walking down the stairs with a hat over my eyes? Okay, I know it seems really dangerous, but trust me, it's all gonna be worth it when you see Nothing! Somebody stole Christmas! And I mean, you know, Diggie. But they stole Christmas! Um okay. You know what? False alarm. Back to your room. Liv, little help? Please. Ow! - Come on, Diggie, pick up! - (Line ringing) - (Beep) - Hello? Diggie, where are you? I don't know, where are you taking me? No, I'm not taking you anywhere. Okay, well, I'm going somewhere. (Joey humming) And I think I hear Joey. (Scoffs) Joey. Okay, I know where he's taking you. Liv: I'll be right there. Do not move! I can't move, I'm in a box. Um, Liv, will you just keep talking to me? It's kind of dark in here. Liv? Liv? You're about to see snow for the first time. How do you feel? Super sweaty, but excited for the possibilities. Well, brace yourself for Dr. P's Snow-Day-On-Demand Machine. Who's Dr. P? Uh you're looking at him, sunshine. Okay. Well, um, "sunshine" is gonna keep calling you Parker. Oh, you'll come around. (Whirring) (Rumbling) Whoa! You made a cloud. Oh, cool! It's snowing! Well, I promised you a snow day. You're amazing, Dr. P. What'd that take, five seconds? Ten? They all come around to Dr. P. And that's the difference between a Doppler radar and a mega-Doppler radar. Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! - Oh. - Thanks for stalling, but it's Santa time. Gotcha. All right, people of The Cove. Santa Joey is now gonna show you what he thinks Christmas should look like. So let's click, click, click (Claps hands) for our next Saint Nick. Ho, ho, ho! This is what Christmas should look like. Christmas isn't about dancing with your shirt off. Now, who wants to sit on old Santa's lap and tell him what you want for Christmas? Joey! Ho, ho Oh, no. Joey, you stole Christmas. Uh Say it ain't so, Santa Joe. Maddie, get over here! Come see your Christmas surprise. Hmm My surprise is Todd Stetson with his shirt off? You're welcome. Okay. No, not Todd Stetson. Look at the tree! Liv, are those our family ornaments? Yeah. Did you do this for me? Yeah. Why did you do this for me in the mall? - That was Joey's fault. - Aah. He is the worst. Ho, okay. Santa can hear you. Thank you, Liv. Oh, you are not done, Maddie. Open your presents. Oh. (Laughs) Okay. Merry Wisconsin Christmas! Dang it. Merry Wisconsin Christmas! Diggie! Hi! Hi. Merry Christmas, Maddie. Liv, seriously, best present ever. I missed you. I missed you. (Sniffing) Why do you smell like Beef McGravy's? Because I brought some from Wisconsin and it's at your house. What? That's even better than you coming! - I know! Yeah! - Let's go! Well, looks like Santa Joey saved Christmas! Um Yeah, you almost ruined everything. Exactly. Almost. Oh! I miss you so much. Are you talking about me or the Beef McGravy's? Could it be both? Maddie, how can you miss Wisconsin so much? It's December 23rd, I'm laying out in the sun wearing shorts, wondering if I should put on sunscreen. Yeah, I know. The sun's really nice. (Birds chirping) What is that sound? Uh birds. It's December 23rd and the birds are singing! Hey, Diggie. You should get out there. I just surfed with dolphins! Maddie, it's December 23rd, it's sunny, the birds are singing, and there are dolphins! Tell me again why you're homesick. I mean, I'm not homesick right now. Is that because of me or because of the week's worth of Beef McGravy's? Hmm Can it be both? - No. - No. (Sighs) It's definitely the Beef McGravy's. You guys, Johnny is gonna sing. Johnny Nimbus is singing in our house! Whoo! (Playing "Deck the Halls") Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la 'Tis the season to be Johnny! Fa, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la Don we now our gay apparel Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Troll the ancient yuletide carol And now the ones who can't sing! (Singing off-key) Fa, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la Joey: Ladies likey.