Planes, Trains and Dude-Mobiles


 * [Knuckles is chugging a milkshake, while Sonic is cheering him on.]
 * Sonic: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
 * [Knuckles finishes the milkshake, and slams the glass on the table.]
 * Knuckles: Woo-hoo! [clutches his head in pain] Brain freeze! Ow ow ow ow! Oh, what did I do to deserve this?
 * Tails: [runs up] You guys! I got big news!
 * Knuckles: You're getting married?
 * Tails: What? No! Our band has been asked to play a concert on the other side of the island!
 * Sonic: Yes!
 * Knuckles: Woo-hoo!
 * Sonic: Just one question. We're in a band?
 * Tails: Dude-itude, remember? We saved the women of the village from becoming mind-controlled zombies?
 * [Sonic and Knuckles stare at Tails flatly.]
 * Tails: We ended Justin Beaver's musical career?
 * [Sonic and Knuckles continue staring.]
 * Tails: [flatly] There were crackers in the green room?
 * Sonic: [remembering] Oh yeah!
 * Knuckles: [remembering as well] Right!
 * Sonic: But how are we gonna get our gear to the concert?


 * Tails: The Dude-Mobile!
 * Knuckles: Road trip!


 * Amy: Have fun on your trip, guys! Don't do anything I wouldn't do!
 * Sonic: I thought you said to "have fun."
 * [Amy growls. Tails starts up the Dude-Mobile and the boys drive off.]


 * [The Dude-Mobile drives down the canyon. Tails is behind the wheel, Sonic is riding shotgun, and Knuckles is in the back seat.]
 * Sonic: Since we'll be in this car for the next fifteen hours, let's make some productive use of our time!
 * [Sonic pushes a tape into the tape deck. A rock and roll beat starts to play, with Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles bobbing their heads to it.]
 * All: [singing] Dude-itude is back, y'all! We ain't wack, y'all!
 * Knuckles: [singing] We want you to hear us way up at the back wall
 * All: [singing] So drop your hands and raise your feet, cause Dude-itude's droppin' this phat beat
 * Tails: [singing] We bring the rhythm, the funk
 * Sonic: [singing] Got a drum set in the trunk
 * Knuckles: [singing] A team of furry critters with swag, panache, spunk
 * Sonic: [singing] Our guts are full of chili dogs
 * Knuckles: [singing] The van's in overdrive
 * All: [singing] You haven't seen a real band until you've seen us live!
 * [They stop singing and return to bobbing their heads.]
 * Sonic: We are gonna own this concert! Nothing can stop us now!
 * Knuckles: I need to stop now.
 * [The Dude-Mobile stops. Knuckles jumps out and runs into a bathroom. A bit later, Sonic is waiting impatiently while Tails is reading a pamphlet.]
 * Tails: According to this pamphlet, our route takes us right past the famous water tower shaped like a ketchup bottle!
 * Sonic: "Famous"? I've never heard of it.
 * Tails: [reading the pamphlet] It was prominently featured in a deleted scene from Mutant Commando 3.
 * Sonic: Fine. We can make one stop.
 * [Montage: Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles are at the Ketchup-Bottle Shaped Water Tower. Tails take a picture, while Sonic groans with boredom. Back in the van, Knuckles is asleep in the backseat, but suddenly wakes up and points ahead. Knuckles runs into another bathroom. Back in the van again, Tails points at a sign ahead advertising another roadside attraction. Tails and Knuckles look excited, but Sonic rolls his eyes. The roadside attraction is a bunch of old cars stacked like dominos. Tails takes another picture. Knuckles leans against one of the cars, but ends up knocking them over. Tails and Knuckles walk away from the wreckage, whistling innocently. Knuckles comes out of another bathroom, with Tails holding up and pointing at another pamphlet. Sonic looks frustrated.]


 * Old Timer: Welcome, folks, to the home of the World's Largest Non-Rocking Chair!
 * Knuckles: Ooh! Can I sit in it?
 * Old Timer: Oh, heavens no! This chair's for eye-sitting only.
 * [Sonic groans and walks away, activating his Communicator.]
 * Sonic: Amy, please tell me you're having as miserable a time as I am.
 * Amy: Actually, Sticks and I are having a relaxing spa weekend. But come on. I'm sure your trip isn't that bad.
 * Old Timer: Now over here is the official letter from the Book of Records, asking me to stop contacting them.
 * Amy: [heard that] I stand corrected. Well, have fun on your vacation. Take lots of pictures.
 * Old Monkey: No pictures!
 * Sonic: [groans]
 * Knuckles: Look what I just bought at the gift shop! A scaled-down replica of the World's Largest Non-Rocking Chair!
 * [Knuckles holds up a dining chair. Tails takes a picture of Knuckles holding it. Sonic facepalms.]


 * [Tails is driving, Knuckles is asleep in the back seat. Sonic is boredly tapping his finger on the Dude-Mobile's console. Sonic notices a motorbike go past the van.]
 * Sonic: Ohh...
 * [A sign shows that the speed limit is 60. A glance at the Dude-Mobile's speedometer shows it's barely going 20.]
 * Sonic: [finally had enough] I can't take it anymore! Tails, give me the wheel!
 * Tails: Hey, hey, hey!
 * [Their fighting over the wheel causes the Dude-Mobile to swing back and forth out of control momentarily. A bit later, Sonic puts the pedal to the metal and the Dude-Mobile takes off. Tails looks annoyed.]
 * Sonic: We are going straight through to that concert! No more breaks. No more tourist traps. No more stops!
 * [The sound of a police siren is heard. Sonic stops the Dude-Mobile. A motorcycle cop walks up as Sonic rolls the window down.]
 * Sonic: Hey, uh, what's the haps, officer?
 * Trooper: You boys look to be a long ways from home.
 * Tails: We are! Our band's got a gig on the other side of the island!
 * Sonic: Yeah, we're Dude-itude. Maybe you've heard of us?
 * Trooper: I don't listen to the rock and roll. We don't take kindly to troublemakers 'round these parts. Especially not some blue-headed delinquent.
 * Knuckles: You tell him, officer!
 * Sonic: "Troublemaker"? "Delinquent"? But I'm Sonic the Hedgehog! I'm the quintessential hero type!
 * Trooper: [hands Sonic a ticket] I'll be keeping my eye on you three. [walks away]
 * Sonic: Ugh, not another speeding ticket. I'll fight it in court, but I don't think they're gonna accept "gotta go fast" as a medical condition. Knuckles, you take the wheel for a bit.


 * [Knuckles is driving through a dark and ominous forest. Tails and Sonic are asleep. Knuckles stops at a fork in the road.]
 * Knuckles: Which way do I go? Come on, universe, give me a sign.
 * [A bolt of lightning strikes in the distance on the left route.]
 * Knuckles: Message received!
 * [Knuckles drives the Dude-Mobile down the left fork. A bit later, Sonic stirs and awakens with a yawn. He then notices the ominous woods outside the window.]
 * Sonic: Whoa. Where are we?
 * [Sonic suddenly notices a ragged opossum sitting across from him and yells in surprise. The opossum yells as well. This wakes up Tails, who starts yelling as well. Knuckles also starts yelling and nearly loses control of the Dude-Mobile.]
 * Sonic: Knuckles? What is this, uh... fine gentleman doing in our van?
 * Knuckles: You guys were asleep and I needed company. Thankfully, this drifter looked like he needed company too.
 * Tails: So, uh, guy... what are you doing out in these parts?
 * Bike Chain Bandit: Eh... biding my time.
 * Radio Announcer: We interrupt our regularly scheduled broadcast of silence for this important announcement. A maniac, the notorious Bike Chain Bandit, is on the loose. Motorists should be on the lookout for a large, snaggletoothed opossum wearing a trenchcoat and carrying a duffel full of bicycle chains.
 * [While the announcer is saying this, Sonic's focus is on the opposums snaggled teeth, trenchcoat, and duffel full of bicycle chains.]
 * Sonic: Uh, guys? Can we have a team meeting? [to the BCB] It's not about you. It's about a totally different sociopath in the back seat of a completely different van.
 * Knuckles: That's a relief. I thought for sure this guy was the maniac.
 * [The Bicycle Chain Bandit pulls out one of his chains and wraps it around Knuckles, who screams and nearly loses control of the Dude-Mobile again.]
 * Knuckles: Sonic! You were wrong! He is the maniac! Get him off me!
 * [Sonic manages to kick the BIke Chain Bandit out of the Dude-Mobile.]
 * Sonic: Knuckles, move over! I'm driving!
 * [Knuckles pulls over and stops the Dude-Mobile.]
 * Sonic: What?! Are you pulling over?!
 * Knuckles: Safety first, Sonic!
 * [The BIke Chain Bandit pops up at the window, causing everyone to scream. Knuckles quickly scrambles into the back seat, while Sonic jumps into the front, puts the pedal to the metal, and drives off, leaving the Bike Chain Bandit behind.]


 * [The Dude-Mobile races out into the canyon. Soon, the Police Motorcycle Trooper is after it again. Sonic pulls over so the Trooper can walk up.]
 * Sonic: Oh, thank goodness. Officer, back there! The Bike Chain Bandit!
 * [The Trooper looks inside the Dude-Mobile and sees the abandoned duffel of bicycle chains the Bandit left behind when Sonic kicked him out.]
 * Trooper: I knew you punks were up to no good.
 * Sonic: No no no! You don't understand! I'm Sonic the Hedgehog!
 * Trooper: Sonic the Hedgehog! [handcuffs Sonic] You're under arrest.
 * [Sonic looks annoyed as the scene fades to...]


 * [Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles are locked in a cell. The Trooper holds up a rotary phone.]
 * Trooper: You get one phone call. Make it a good one.
 * [Sonic takes the phone and dials. After one ring, it's answered.]
 * Sonic: Amy, no time to explain. Tails, Knuckles, and I are in jail. We need you to bail us out!


 * [Amy and Sticks dodge fireballs fired from an unseen source.]
 * Amy: Sonic, I am really not in the mood for your practical jokes right now! [ducks under another fireball] Sticks and I have got our hands full! We'll talk later.


 * Trooper: [takes back the phone] Looks like you boys just won an overnight stay at the Gray Bar Hotel.
 * [The Trooper walks away, laughing. Sonic folds his arms in annoyance.]
 * Tails: Oh, good. I thought we were gonna spend the night in jail.
 * [The Trooper hangs a ring of keys on a hook, then leaves. A shadow suddenly falls over Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles.]
 * Salty: Well, lookie what we got here. If it isn't Dreamboat Express! Big fan!
 * Tails: Nowadays, we go by--
 * Sonic: [covers Tails' mouth] Yep, that's us! Dreamboat Express!
 * Salty: Can't believe they locked you guys up, too. The Five-O's been pointing fingers at everybody, thanks to the Bike Chain Bandit. Soon as they heard about my fledgling chain wallet business, forget about it.
 * Knuckles: That's horrible! Chain wallets haven't been cool for fifteen years.
 * Sonic: We know what the bandit looks like. We could catch him and clear our names... if we could get outta here.
 * Salty: If you're half as good at stopping bad guys as you are at singing innocuous, non-threatening music, then I'll help you bust out.
 * Sonic: Great! You create a distraction. Now all we need is some kind of inconspicuous, yet surprisingly powerful magnet.
 * Tails: [holds up a horseshot magnet] I have this industrial micro-magnet that I keep hidden on my person at all times.
 * Sonic: That'll have to do.
 * [They hear the door open. The Trooper walks back in with a tray of food.]
 * Trooper: Soup's on, inmates.
 * Salty: I can't eat that! I demand a vegetarian meal, with the, uh... what do you call those things? Vegetables!
 * [Salty flips the tray out of the Trooper's hands. As the Trooper stoops to clean up the mess, Tails runs up to the bars and uses the magnet to grab the keyring. He unlocks the door, and runs out with Sonic and Knuckles. The Trooper sees this.]
 * Trooper: Hey! Get back here, slimeballs!
 * [The trooper tries to chase them, but slips on the mess of food and falls to the floor.]


 * [Tails, Sonic, and Knuckles get back into the Dude-Mobile and drive off, with the Trooper in hot pursuit. Tails glances into the side mirror and sees the Trooper closing in. The chase continues, Tails' efforts to lose the Trooper failing. Up ahead, the Bike Chain Bandit walks into the canyon, but he is alerted by the sound of the police siren approaching.]
 * Sonic: There he is!
 * [The Bike Chain Bandit runs ahead, pushes Mrs. Vandersnout off her scooter, and rides off on it, the Dude-Mobile and the Trooper following. The chase leads into...]


 * [The Bike Chain Bandit rides into the forest, the Dude-Mobile and the Trooper right behind. The Bike Chain Bandit looks ahead and sees a flow of lava nearly blocking the road ahead. He takes advantage of this to get onto the left road, while the lava forces the Dude-Mobile and the Trooper to take the right.]
 * Tails: He's getting away!
 * Sonic: I got this!
 * [The back of the Dude-Mobile opens, and Sonic rides out on Blue Force One. Sonic triggers its transformation into Hoverbike mode, then flies over the lava and pursues the Bike Chain Bandit. Tails looks ahead and sees the road he's on about to end. He pushes a button on the Dude-Mobile's console, and jet engines pop out of the side, giving the Dude-Mobile enough thrust to jump the lava river and land safely on the other side. The Trooper's bike, however, doesn't have enough speed to make it across, and the Trooper falls off. Tails flies out of the Dude-Mobile and manages to catch the Trooper with his Enerbeam just before he hits the lava. Meanwhile, Sonic pulls up alongside the Bike Chain Bandit, then grabs the chain the Bandit left behind, and throws it at the Bandit's scooter. It wraps up in the scooter's front wheel, and the Bike Chain Bandit is thrown off. He skids to a halt right in front of the Trooper.]
 * Trooper: Glad you like chains, cause you'll be wearing them for the next fifteen to twenty.
 * [The Trooper slaps handcuffs on the Bike Chain Bandit.]
 * Trooper: I was wrong about you three. You're not just some lowlife hooligans. You're law-abiding hooligans! And you're free to go.


 * [The Dude-Mobile is driving towards the concert venue.]
 * Sonic: Step on it, Tails! Maybe we can still make it in time for...
 * [Sonic trails off, as they pull up to the empty stage. The only person there is Fennec Male.]
 * Knuckles: Uh... did we miss the concert?
 * Fennec Male: Nah, you're an entire month early.
 * [Sonic and Knuckles glare at Tails, who grins nervously.]
 * Tails: Ah heh... I guess I was so excited about the concert, I didn't pay attention to the date. [holds up a pamphlet] On the plus side, the site of the World's Oldest Rock is only two hours from here!
 * [Sonic snaps completely and grabs at Tails, but Knuckles restrains him. Tails runs for his life, and the scene freeze-frames as the episode ends.]