When a Man (or a Freight Train) Loves His Cookie

My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show. All right, listen up. I told Freight Train to be home promptly at 6:30 for a special dinner, so it's time for everybody to hide. Donna, you're the biggest, so you might want to push the couch and the piano together. Come on, big'un. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. And finished. I call it, "He Ain't Coming, Mom. " We goin'? I'm sorry Dad stood you up on your anniversary. Please, if I had to be reminded that I married her b'tugly-ass every year, I'd stand her up, too. Let's go. Bye, Lavar. Bye, Diane Lane. Uh, I renamed my car Diane Lane. Ooh, I'm naming mine Carol. Happy Anniv Ow! My breathing nose. What are you all doing in my house? This was our surprise anniversary party, Lavar, and you were supposed to be here hours ago. Now you know how I felt when you were late and we got stuck with Cleveland. That's me! Wait. Aw, this ain't Toys"R"Us. You're a liar, Mama. I'll only be a minute. Gotta grab me a big thing of pretzels. A minute? That never means a minute. What are we gonna do? This place is so booooring. What? This place is amazing. What are you doing, man? I hang out here all the time, playing office. Work. You want to play? Can I be the co-worker who's secretly sleeping with the receptionist and no one knows but everyone knows? Cheryl? She's got HPV. So? All right, I'm gonna go find the marker aisle, get a couple good whiffs, and then go stare at some screen savers. I'm sorry, Junior, but this unit has been sold. What? But I've been playing office here for a year and a half. I know. And nothing has brought a smile to my face more than seeing you grow Cleveland Jr. Industries from a fake mom-and-pop organization to a fake international conglomerate. But I'm afraid floor models don't last forever. Can you give me a moment to say good-bye? Take all the time you need. It's going in two minutes. I envy you, my particleboard friend. You're going to see what it's like in a real office. That's always been my dream. Someday. Or maybe today. This double-wide, horizontal filing cabinet needs to go, too. Phew. Let's go, Rallo. Have you seen Roberta? No. But I've seen everything else. It's even more beautiful than in my dreams. Mornin'. Traffic, huh? Tell me about it. Frank Lefkowitz. Just transferred from Sarasota. Well, welcome to the Stoolbend branch. Sarasota, huh? Long shot, but do you know Steve Mazepa? Oh, yeah, sure. He's the guy, about three foot tall, huge calves, lives in a tree, hands covered in fur, right? Head looks like an anvil? Uh, maybe. I actually knew his brother a little better. Well, better get back to work. I'm doing it. I'm really doing it. I just saw Mom at the beauty parlor. She's crying under a dryer. What were you doing there? I was also crying under a dryer. Oh, I can't stand to see Mother sad. So, when it comes to patching things up between you and Mom, I think I've got just the metaphorical ticket. Literal tickets. George Clinton and the P-Funk All Stars? That's Mom's favorite band. They're for your anniversary. The perfect mermento to cammermurate the occasion. Cool. Who should I take? Mom! My mom's dead, Cleveland. My mom. I bought these so you could make it up to her for missing your guys's anniversary. Let her know you don't take her for granted. Just tell her that this was your idea. I do like lying to your mother. Oh, man. Great. McTubby and Wife. Thanks for the tickets, Cleveland. You're welc Uh, they're from Dad. Oh, please. Cleveland, I know you've been covering for your father for years. The cards, the flowers, that time you dressed up like him and took me to Paris for my birthday. Oh, Lavar. This is so romantic. Shut up, Mommy. I mean, bitch. George Clinton! Where's all my ladies at tonight? Right here, baby. There are also men in the crowd! Involve us! Which one of y'all ready to funk with me tonight? Oh, my God, George Clinton! Cleveland, you come, too. No, he wants you. What's your name? Evelyn, but my friends call me Cookie. Well, why don't I just call you Cosmic Chocolate? Mmm! Mmm! Cookie, sit down, you're gonna break the stage. Hah! Jealous? Hell no. I am. When is the men's turn? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Why don't we just let the mother ship sail right on into your Milky Way, baby? That's my mom! That's my mom! Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Is your mom funkin' George Clinton? Making a damn fool of herself is what she's doing. Let's hear it for Evelyn, y'all, my beautiful Bride of Funkenstein. Yeah. It's been an hour and a half. When's she coming back out? Don't worry about Mom. She's probably just having some cheese plates. P- Funk's probably got all kinds of cheeses-eses back there. Well, I'm sick of waiting. Let's tell her it's time to go. Cleveland, put your underpants back on. No! Yeah? My wife's in there. Tell her I'm ready to go. Is she a thick, squat older version of him? That's very kind of you. Yes. She with them. Bow, wow, wow, yippee-yo, yippee-yay! My God. Cleveland, do you know what this means? I think we all know what this means. George Clinton has kidnapped your mother. No. So, let me get this straight, Mr. Brown. You're saying that your wife a thick, squat older version of him Very kind, thank you. was kidnapped by Dr. Funkenstein himself, George Clinton? I don't like what you're implying. Why would any woman run off with anybody when she's got a man at home? Uh, you're not all that? Come on, Cleveland. Once again, the police are no help to a black man. We are both black, sir. All cops are white on the inside. Like a Eskimo Bar. Or a coconut. These charts behind me don't lie, people. Our numbers are down across the board. According to this chart, the only department that's pulling its weight is the Charts Department. Nice job, Charts. How do we boost our numbers? Myron. Uh, well Terrible. Why do I bother? Next. Uh Tried it in '09. Doesn't work. You, new guy. Well, Mr. Oxnard, sir, I think we should look at the toys and make sure they're the ones that the kids want to play with. Toys? What toys? We don't make toys. No, sir, I think what Lefkowitz is saying is a metaphor. We need to put the fun back into facultative reinsurance and cooperative underwriting. And with each policy we give away a toy. A rubber bus or something. Or dolls. Yeah, or a rubber bus. Good job, Lefkowitz. You're getting your own parking spot. Frank Lefkowitz Has his own parking space And there's shards of glass Slicing up my calves. This is P-Funk's tour schedule. They're in Knoxville tomorrow night. If we leave right now, we can catch up to 'em. Dad, I think Mom is okay. We don't know that. Oh, I'm more than okay, I'm alive. Evelyn. Hey, Freight Train. How are you? I've never been better. You like the dress George bought me? Evelyn, your mammarys are hanging out. What the hell are you doing? Being appreciated, Lavar. George Clinton listens to me, and he likes my cooking. Gotta go. Hey, baby, you ready for round 20? Did it sound to you like she was reading from a script? Sounded more to me like she was taking dictation. George Clinton can have her. She's dead to me. You do know that "she's dead to me" is just an expression? And so we bid farewell to Evelyn Champagne Brunch Brown, aka Cookie, first host of Friday Night Videos, former long-haul truck driver, five-time Libertarian candidate for mayor, and Jezebel. There's no place for you in Heaven. Amen. I now ask her son if he would say a few words. Go on. This is ridiculous. I'm not speaking at Mom's fake Get up there, you're her only son. Mama! Mommy! Too soon! I once accidentally saw you pee, and I didn't stop watching! All right, Lefkowitz, you brought donuts for everybody. No, this is my lunch. What do you want? Well, hot shot, since you saved us a bunch of money, I thought we'd throw a company picnic. You're a family man, right? What have I said up to this point? That you have a wife and kid. Boy or girl? Lefkowitz. I guess it's time to rent me some Mexicans or some blacks. Shut the front door. You're saying you were with two girls? Yep, and if you add both of 'em together, they were almost age appropriate. Say, blood, where you get these bitches? Let me get this straight. Your dad is having relations with young ladies only a day after fake-burying your mother, who let us not forget is out with George Clinton getting funked six ways from Sunday? Yes. Cleveland, you are white trash. Dad, I'm gonna help you make things right with Mom. Forget that; I'm headed home. I got some Craigslist Asians gonna meet me there in a half hour. Oh, he gonna get him some and dim sum. Daddy, are you and the Asian ladies decent? I'm gonna go swat the tetherball out back till he gets home. Dad? She's dead, Cleveland. What are you doing? Where are the Asian ladies? I made 'em up, Cleveland. It's no fun messing around when there's no one waiting at home for you to slap you upside the head. She ain't coming back. Dad, can we get badminton for Easter? I took it too far this time, Cleveland, and now I realize just how much I love her. The best thing I ever had is gone forever. Dad, look at yourself in the mirror. I'm fat. Lo at us, a couple of schmoes one fat, one heartbroke. You know what? Instead of sitting here moping, get out there and fight for Mom, and I'm gonna order sliced tomatoes with my double cheeseburger instead of frieses- or maybe I'll get the fries, too. I'll eat the tomatoes first, but I'll eat the fries if I'm still hungry. I ain't never had to fight for no woman in my life. That's what losers do. Hello, I did that. And I won the love of my life. Think about it, and I'm going to have a cheeseburger. And you know what? No tomatoes. Actually, avocado that's a good fat, like me. Don't mess this up for me. I'm living my dream. Now, I've paid you both handsomely to know your roles. Again, Roberta, you are my wife Jane. Our son was an accident. You've talked yourself into loving me because I'm a good provider. And that's why I drink. Perfect. Look, I'll be around for the intros, photos, or when you need your son to be in a sack race, but the rest of the time, you can catch a brother at the swangs! Perfect. Okay, showtime. Frank, you family-having son of a gun. Nice to meet you. Well, hello there, little guy. You look just like your dad. Wow, that's a kick in the b Run and play on the swings, son. Swangs! Kids they grow up so fast. So, why you keeping Frank so late at work? You see he's got a kid. Whoa, Jane. Don't you raise your fist to me, you sad, little man. You know what? This is stupid dumb. Screw this. I'm going to go make out with my boyfriend in his mouth. Jane! Wait! Why are they always fighting? Does anybody want to buy me a toy? Mr. Oxnard, sir, I- I want to apologize for that "situation" at the picnic. Apologize for what? You handled that with class and dignity. I've had marital problems with my young, black wife, too. Like what? Oh, she didn't like my brother watching us. Look, Lefkowitz, I'm gonna get right to it. I'm going to give you Myron's job. He'll figure out a way to support his kids, even the one in the chair. Mr. Oxnard, you're a prince. I've dreamed of an offer like that my whole life, but I haven't been honest with you. I'm not a high school graduate. Myron went to Harvard and he's a total moron. Be that as it may, I can only worry about Frank Lefkowitz, and Frank Lefkowitz has got to get his GED. Well, Lefkowitz, there will always be a desk for you here at McClennan Reinsurers. Can I take it home? Huh, yes. Good-bye, Mr. Oxnard. Penn State? Yuck. Cleveland, I need your help. Here, start with these. Also yuck. I'm gonna fight to get your mom back from George Clinton. How? I'm gonna do the only logical thing start my own '70s funk band. All I need now is the band. You got some friends who might be up for something crazy? Let me see. Dead, dead, dead, lost his thumbs, dead, dead. Wait a minute. Okay, one more, one more. That was good. Now pretend I'm the Jostens man and give me yearbook. Ah, forget it, here they come. Remember, just scare 'em. He's good. Ladies and gentlemen, we regret to inform you that George Clinton and the P-Funk All Stars have been mauled to death by a bear. On a lighter note, that bear plays guitar, so put your hands together for Freight Train and the Palpitations. Ooh Lavar? I want to send this out to the only woman who's ever really mattered in my life my wife Evelyn "Cookie" Brown. Ooh Cookie, I made mistakes, I treated you wrong, but ever since you left me, I've been feeling sick, so bad. Ooh Everybody, gather around in a circle because I'm feeling ookie, Cookie Ookie, Cookie Because I made such a mess I'm eatin' my words now, Cookie And they don't taste the best Some people think it's just a game Ooh But to me it means a lot Quite a lot My aim it might be shaky Ooh But I'm gonna give it, give it one last shot I'm feeling ookie, Cookie I think Cookie Monster put it best when he said, "'C' is for Cookie and that's good enough for me. " Yeah, those other women don't mean nothing. In fact, you know what? I'm gonna call them right now. Hello, Beatrice, it's Freight Train. We're through. Hi, is this the Waffle House? Let me speak to Jalisa. Baby, I got to quit you. Hello, Maureen, we're done. Now give the phone to your mom. Hey, Doreen, you know why your daughter's crying? Same goes for you. It's over. Why? I'll tell you why. I'm feeling ookie, Cookie Ookie, Cookie I've been a big old nasty jerk It'd be a big load off Big, huge load If we could just make this work So Come on, Cookie. I'm sorry, Cookie. I love you and your cooking and your tall-boy- sized belly button and your Libertarian politics and your ability to drive a big rig a thousand miles without changing your diaper. Oh, Lavar, let's go home. You're gonna get some cookies out of this cookie jar tonight. Well, first you're gonna run that cookie jar through the dishwasher. Oh, Lavar. I'm feeling ookie, Cookie Aah, Cookie!