Blow and a Free McMuffin

Previously on Mom...

I got a job.

Really? Where?

At Harrah's. I'm gonna be a blackjack dealer.

Wait a minute. You're moving to Lake Tahoe?

Yeah, my friend Lindsay's dad is a pit boss and he hooked us up. We're gonna share an apartment, and go to dealer school. It'll be a blast.

But what about finishing college?

Making something of your life.

I am making something, money.

When people win at blackjack, they give you a tip.

So I figure all I got to do is make sure that they win.

Oh, God, she'll be stripping in a month.

May I step in?

Have at it.

(sets mug on table) That sounds like a terrific plan, Violet.

Good luck.

That's how you step in? Step out.

What? She's an adult.

Maybe college isn't the right thing for her now.

So you'd rather have her deal blackjack?

No, it's a terrible idea, but let her find out for herself that she's an idiot.

Thanks, Grandma.

Wow.

Someone thinks she's having s*x tonight.

I better be having s*x tonight.

It's been 14 months.

I think I might be a virgin again.

So who's gonna be working the jaws of life?

His name's Paul.

I met him in the Wednesday morning meeting.

He's 40, builds houses, never married, rescues dogs.

"Rescues dogs."

Checks all the boxes.

Yep, just one more to go.

You take care of business down there?

Are you kidding me?

I'm waxed like a ballroom floor.

Seriously, unless I take off his pants and find a store-bought v*g1n*, this guy's getting the ride of his life.

(laughs)

(phone rings)

Oh, God, please don't be canceling, please don't be canceling.

It's your daughter.

Let it go to voice mail...

Hey, Vi, it's your Grandma, what's up?

Ooh, you don't sound so good.

She's sick.

How sick?

How sick?

Mono?

What?

Have you seen a doctor?

Okay, okay, don't cry.

Of course I'll come take care of you.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

Mommy's coming.

Just not the way she hoped.

♪ ♪

Oh, hey.

Oh, my God, Paul, you're on time.

Another box checked.

Wow, you look great...

Mm, mm! Okay.

I'm sorry, I can't go out tonight.

I'll text you why from the car.

Short version, mono.

Not me, my daughter, I'm clean.

Big sloppy rain check coming at you.

She's serious, you're as good as done.

♪ ♪

Wow, you just blew past a Maserati.

Just a rich douche bag who doesn't know how to drive.

Yeah, good point, y-you still might want to slow down.

My daughter's sick. She needs me.

She just has mono.

That's what she admitted to over the phone.

For all I know, she's riddled with... Ebola.

Well, if that's the case, then there's no hurry.

By the time we get there, she'll be 90 pounds of soup.

Not funny.

Why are you making yourself crazy?

You used to get sick all the time when you were a kid, I never panicked.

Just put on "I Love Lucy" and gave you a big glass of Tang.

And that's why I still buy my pants at Gap Kids.

Hey, don't put that on me.

Your father was a lawn dwarf.

(siren wailing)

Oh-oh Oh, you got to be kidding me.

Pull up over here.

Damn, damn, damn.

Look at the bright side, you're gonna crush the breathalyzer.

♪ ♪

Do you know why I pulled you over?

Yes, I was speeding, but my daughter's up in Lake Tahoe and she has mono.

I have to get there. She's all alone.

I'm sorry to hear that, but...

You don't understand, she was never there for me so I'm trying to break the cycle of neglect.

Yeah, that's not really what this is about...

Tell him, Mom, tell him.

I was a horrible mother, Officer.

She was one step away from being a feral cat.

License and registration.

Yes, sir.

You been drinking?

Not since May 14, 2013.

I can prove it. I have a chip.

That's all right.

Wait here.

Oh, God, I can't afford a ticket.

(exhales) There is a way to get out of it.

Don't even think it.

You're all waxed, you should use it before you get five o'clock shadow.

Why don't you do Officer Handsome?

'Cause I look like ZZ Top down there.

(car speeds by)

Oh, hey, look, the Maserati finally caught up to us.

And they're giving us the finger.

Douche bag!

Not you, Officer.

♪ ♪

I can't believe it, a $200 ticket.

Just throw it away.

They never follow up on those things.

That's jury duty.

I don't think so.

♪ ♪

25, 26, 27.

Wait, where's 28?

Violet's in 28.

I don't see a 28.

It has to be here.

And we're definitely in Colony Two, Building Four?

You said Colony Four, Building Two.

I did not, I said...

Yeah, that is what I said.

♪ ♪

Are you getting a signal?

Not yet.

Should we go to the roof and navigate by the stars?

I keep thinking we're gonna come across the bones of a dead pizza guy.

♪ ♪

Honey, I promise we're in the building.

Can you hear your grandma screaming? Scream.

We are here! We are here!

Calm down, we're on our way.

She heard me?

No.

Oh, damn.

Now what?

We need to start rationing our supplies.

♪ ♪

Oh, thank God.

I'm here, baby.

Thanks, kid. I'll let you know if we need those show tickets.

(clucks tongue)

Oh, honey, you're burning up.

I feel awful.

Hi, Vi.

Hey, Grandma.

What's with all the luggage?

Aren't you taking me home?

You are home.

No, I mean home home.

Where we live?

Yeah, I want to move back in with you guys.

But what about your roommate... What's her name, Sarah?

I thought you loved her.

Not anymore, she's a bitch.

'Sup.

Who's that?

Sarah's boyfriend.

Does he have mono, too?

I don't know, I'm not a doctor.

I think I know why Sarah's a bitch.

Can we just go?

What about your job?

Don't you need to call someone?

Tell them you'll be out for awhile?

(crying): Why are you asking me so many questions?

Okay, okay. Let's get you home.

Where did you park?

In the parking structure.

Which one?

Oh, God.

Wait here, I'll find the kid.

Little boy!

Little boy!

How's she doing?

Out like a light.

Man, I miss NyQuil.

Poor baby.

Poor baby my ass.

I'm telling you, we're driving a getaway car.

What are you talking about? She's very sick.

Oh, I believe she's sick.

I just think there's something else going on here.

Like what?

Think about it... all of a sudden she wants to move back in with you?

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but last we checked, she hates you.

Maybe she's outgrown that.

Maybe my daughter's come to appreciate me.

Yeah, and maybe she wasn't banging her roommate's boyfriend.

You just think the worst about everybody.

Yeah, and I'm right 98% of the time.

Well, we'll just see.

Yeah, I'll tell you what you're gonna see.

You're gonna see my, "I told you so" face.

Ugh.

God.

Where's Roscoe?

At his dad's.

Ugh, I hope these sheets aren't filled with his boogers.

That's the least of your problems.

For the last few months, this has been your grandma's s*x bed.

(groans)

Hey, Vi, quick question.

I was emptying your bag to get some laundry going and I found what appears to be $2,000 in one of your socks.

What the hell?

Which was my quick question.

Yeah, they're just my tips from dealing blackjack.

Really?

People tip you with sequentially numbered, crisp $100 bills?

Sometimes.

Honey, do you want to tell us what's going on?

Not really, no.

I promise I'm gonna love you no matter what.

That being said, if you have broken any major laws, we will be turning you in... especially if there's a reward.

Just let me go to sleep.

Christy, why don't you go make us some tea while I talk to my granddaughter?

That's all right, I got this.

Really? You think you're just gonna hug the truth out of her?

Please, I'm so tired.

Okay, we'll talk later.

Sweet dreams.

Thank you.

Why are you still here?

Christy: Mom, what are you doing?

Just make the tea.

Maybe put some loud music on.

Hey, Christy.

Yeah?

(groans)

Let's hear it, what's the deal with the money?

I'll give you three guesses.

Ugh, I am not in the mood to play games.

Too bad, I am. Guess.

Okay.

Is she a hook... hook... es..cort?

Good guess, but no.

You have two guesses remaining.

Is she acting in por... por...

(groans)

... adult film?

(imitates buzzer)

One more try, make it count.

Do I win something here?

This is the worst game ever.

Quickly, Christy, the clock is ticking.

Okay, fine, she's selling drugs.

Oh, come on, she's pretty, she's not smart, but thanks for playing.

Damn it.

I'm actually kind of bummed out that I lost.

So, what is it?

Turns out she agreed to marry some schmuck from a country she's not sure how to pronounce, so he could get his green card.

For $2,000?

No, for $10,000.

She spent the rest on, and I quote, "fun stuff."

Oh, God.

So, now I have a son-in-law?

Oh, no, no, she didn't marry poor Makhmud.

She took his money and his innocence.

Oy.

Plunkett women, making bad decisions for three generations.

I mean, you make peace with the fact that your kid may not be the best person in the world, but what do you do when you find out she steals, cheats, lies and spreads disease like a plague rat?

Bonnie: Well... if you're not particularly bright, you bring her home and share cutlery.

What choice did I have? I'm her mother.

I'm responsible for the way she turned out.

Yeah, I'll tell you what your problem is: you're too soft on her.

You got to lay down the law.

These words stick in my throat like a chicken bone, but Bonnie's right.

Wait, what did I say?

Because now I'm starting to doubt myself.

Your daughter's 21.

At what point is she responsible for her own life?

Yeah, but she never...

No buts.

You got to tell her as soon as she's feeling better, she has to get a job and pay the green card guy back.

Damn straight, Marjorie.

Hold up, what is happening?

It's weirding me out, too.

How can I be hard on her? I was drunk most of her life.

She had to take care of herself, she had to take care of Roscoe.

Hell, half the time she had to take care of me.

But you're sober now.

And believe it or not, you're a good mom.

You can handle it.

How about this?

How about I start drinking and drugging again?

And how does that help Violet?

It doesn't, but I won't give a rat's ass.

Sorry, you don't get to take the easy way out.

You got to suck it up and do your best.

Yeah, fake it till you make it. Up top.

Hey, boom.

Let's share some pudding.

And just like that, you ruined it.

♪ ♪

What if I tell her what to do and she says no?

Then you tell her to hit the bricks, cut her loose, it's your way or the highway.

Do you have any advice that doesn't sound like a John Cougar Mellencamp song?

You kick her out. It's that simple.

(sighs) You're right.

Tough love.

You know, I didn't want to say anything in front of Marjorie, but I do know why this is hard for you.

It took me a long time to get over my guilt about how I raised you.

Really? You're over that?

Yep.

Well, I don't know how to break this to you, but you shouldn't be.

Too bad. I am.

No, no, no, you've accumulated a level of guilt that should never be gotten over.

Hey, I'm not saying it happened overnight.

It took months.

Months?!

Years of neglect, and it took you months?

Almost three.

You know what? I would prefer if you not compare yourself to me anymore.

You're right. One of us has dealt with her issues and grown.

Hint: it's me.

Oh, my God!

Do you hear yourself?

You should feel guilty about Violet, too, 'cause you messed me up, which messed her up, so it all comes back to you!

You're... Johnny Apple-Guilt!

Dealt with that one, too. Over it.

(sighs)

Get out!

What?

You heard me.

You want to see some tough love? Walk home.

We're right in front of our building.

It's the principle. Get out!

All right.

See you in a minute.

♪ ♪

Christy (muffled): And it's been a pattern your whole life.

You let that idiot Luke knock you up in high school.

You gave up the baby so you could go to college, then dropped out so you could sabotage some poor busboy's American dream.

Do you know how many wives ten grand could've bought him in Uzbekistan?

Violet: But, Mom...

No!

That's enough!

(Christy sighs)

(slams door)

I did it.

Oh, I heard.

I was tough.

You were tough.

Ballsy. Big swingin' ballsy.

I laid down the law.

I told her, "As soon as you're on your feet, you're getting a job and paying Makhmud back. And if not, you're out of here "

Again, I heard.

And you know something?

(sighs) It feels good.

(Violet sobbing)

And now it feels bad.

Ignore it.

Right.

(Violet continues sobbing)

Oh, God.

Don't fall for it.

Those sobs are the sound of good parenting.

You're right, I am a good parent.

You sure are.

Where you going?

To comfort Violet.

What?

I'm a grandparent, it's a whole different ball game.

♪ ♪

Hey.

Hey. You're looking better.

I feel better.

Better enough to start looking for a job?

Balls.

(deep voice): You need to get a job.

Actually, I have a plan that can fix everything.

Really? Do tell.

Well, you mentioned Luke, and it got me thinking...

You mean burger-flipping, can't-work-a-condom Luke?

Not anymore.

I checked his Facebook page, and it says that he's single and has a good job.

So I texted him a video of me doing yoga.

You know, like, downward dog, but tasteful.

I'll give you three guesses where this is going.

Don't need 'em.

You're back together with Luke.

Yep. I'm moving in with him.

What do I win?

(like game show announcer): It's a new grandchild!

(doorbell rings)

Oh, that's him.

Don't mention the mono.

Hi.

Hey, baby.

She's got bigger balls than both of us.

And now she's got his.

♪ ♪

And Luke's making a lot of money now. Tell 'em.

I make a lot of money now.

N-No, tell them how.

Oh. I help design video games for this really cool company.

Um, they have weed and M&M's in the break room.

And he bought his own condo.

Is the condo in your name?

Yeah.

Good, keep it that way.

It's so trippy, like, a week ago I was thinking to myself, "Luke, your life is complete, you have everything you've ever wanted."

And you wisely decided to shake things up.

I did when I saw Violet's hot booty twerking on my iWatch.

Oh, what mother doesn't want to hear that?

Come on, let's go get my stuff.

Okay.

You know, I just got to say, it's great to be part of the family again.

It's very nice to see you, Luke.

(quietly): You poor, clueless b*st*rd.

Okay, it's official.

I don't like her.

Yeah. She's horrible.

I mean, I used a lot of guys in my day, but I just sort of fell into it.

Drink with them, sleep with them, maybe get some blow and a free McMuffin out of it.

But I never went into it with a plan.

(sighs): Well... you always want your children to do better than you did.

Oh, God, she is doing better.