Baggage

Officer, I don't care if it's been less than 24 hours. My niece nia is missing! Hey, Uncle Marion. One second, nia. She's 5'1", Well, she's wearing blue jeans and a white blou-- oh, ha ha ha! That's my--ooh, ooh! [Stammers] Never mind. Nia! Ohhh. What took you so long? Well, I sold my plane ticket and took the bus. What'd you do with the extra money? I got you a gift. [Gasps] How sweet. Ooh, ooh! Look at that. Earrings? I don't wear earrings. Really? Well, I guess I'll have to keep them. Oh Same old nia, always looking for the quick buck. Quick? That was a 17-hour ride sitting next to a guy who smelled like a goat. I won't even tell you what his goat smelled like. Thank you. Now, I promised your mother I would take you in this summer and turn you into a proper young lady. You know that was aunt lily's job last year? After one week with me, she changed her name and moved to Alaska. Anyway, I told your mother what you need is a job. Hmm? Now Millicent will show you what to do. Hey, Millicent. We'll take a chocolate crispy bar. Heh, it's my money. We'll take some twisty corn puffs. Crispy bar! Twisty puffs! Crispy bar! Twisty puffs! Crispy bar! Twisty puffs! Ok, that's it! It's because of you people that I wake up in the middle of the night screaming! Well, I kind of did that before. But it's gotten worse since I started working here. Eat this! And like it! Wow, Millicent, I've never seen you stand up for yourself like this. Yeah. It felt good. [Thud] Looks like an easy job. All you have to do is lie down. I'll get started. Wha--oh! Disney--abc cable networks group here I am in your life here you are in mine yes, we have a suite life most of the time you and me, we got the world to see so come on down just me and you know what to do so come on down it's you and me and me and you we got the whole place to ourselves you and me, we got it all for free so come on down this is the suite life we've got a suite life Remember, heavy things go on the bottom of the bag and delicate things on the top. You know, I have a little poem to help you remember. You know, you really don't have to-- eggs that break, grapes that squish are always on the top. If they leak, the bag will break and everything goes plop. Yeah, that's great, but-- heavy cans, boxes, too, always go in first. Never push or shove things in, the bag will surely burst. Well, at least it's better than your bath time poem. In this tub are you and me, so listen, bub, please don't Splash. Wow, you guys are doing a great job. What am I paying you? Minimum wage. Works for me! Hello, wormser. What do you want, pitz? Well, I thought I'd come check out the competition, but Clearly, you're no competition. Oh, puh-lease. Why would anyone in their right mind want to go to the Betsy Ross stop & slop? It's "shop. " Oh, I've seen your produce. It's "slop. " Why, you [Both yelling] Guys, guys! Easy. Zack: Yeah. We got old ladies shopping here. I bet she was 16 when you started ringing her up. Wormser: Hey! I happen to have 2 of the fastest baggers in Boston. Really? Can we meet them? They might be able to help us. I'm talking about you guys! Well, my baggers, Joey and Gunther, can out-bag these losers any day. Oh, yeah? Well, you're on, Betsy boy. My brother and I are like lightning. We got hand-eye, baby, hand-eye. We'd bag your guys under the table. You care to put your double coupons where your mouth is? You're on! It'll be a mini-mart triathlon. Bagging, pricing, and cleaning. Oh, my! And if you lose, you and your baggers have to stand outside our store all day dressed as Paul revere's horse. [Neighs] Yeah! But if you lose, you have to stand out in front of my store wearing Betsy Ross dresses. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! No problem! 'Cause my guys can't lose. That doesn't count. Mint me, candy girl. Excuse me, but I have a name. Excuse me, but, uh, I don't like to read. Excuse me, but, uh, you should try. Your turn. Just mint me. Well, if you insist. Consider yourself minted. That's disgusting. No. That's peppermint. Moseby! I have a problem here. Ohh. Did you miss your mouth again? No, that's not the problem. The problem is her! I want her fired. He ain't going to fire me. I'm his favorite niece. Ain't that right, Uncle Marion? Well, you are my only niece. Ergo, my favorite. Wait-- wait a minute-- who's your favorite? Her or this ergo person? I just heard the air go out of her head. That's London tipton, whose father signs both of our paychecks. Oh, girl, did I tell you you look fabulous in that dress? Really? You think? Yeah! Do you model? [Gasps] I like her. Why would you want fire her, moseby? Yeah, moseby. I mean, Uncle Marion. By the way, is it true that you own a private jet? Jets. Ooh, even better! You take one and I'll take one and we'll race to Paris. Dibs on the pink one! All right! [Stammers] Excuse me. Look, London is my responsibility, and I don't want you taking advantage of her. [Sputters] I resent that. I like London for who she is-- a sweet, friendly girl, whose yacht is so big she's got her own drive-thru restaurant. Hold up there, girl. [Chuckles] Say, why don't we go fly to London? I'm already here. Done! How was that? [Sighs] Great If you like scrambled eggs in a bag. Guys, what are you still doing here? Your shift was over hours ago. Well Hello, Ms. Martin. May I offer you my heart Of palm? Get it? Heart of palm? Fits right in the can. Yeah, I think I'm going to artichoke. I see you're also a fan of produce humor. Oh, yeah. We're 2 peas in a pod. [Laughs] That's a good one! Yeah. Ok, boys, let's go. But we need more practice if we're going to out-bag the Betsy Ross stop & shop. Oh, I've been there. You've got no chance. I'm sorry, but that Gunther kid finished bagging my groceries before I even got my wallet out. Well, a little more training and these yahoos will kick some Betsy Ross butt! Ok. I still don't understand. If I'm taking your shift so you can go to a concert, why are you still getting the money? [Scoffs] Hello? It's my shift. Oh, right. Thanks for explaining. Ready to go to the concert, Mia? It's nia. I got the "ia" part right. Yes, sir-ia, and more importantly, you got us front-row seats to see toxic vomit. Yeah! Ok, let's hit it, girlfriend. Don't do that. You got it, sistah. That, either. Ever. Oh! Guess what, moseby? Tia and I are best friends. It's nia! I like tia better. Can you change it? Are we going in your limo? Mm-hmm. Call me tia! Come on. We're late for the toxic vomit concert. Oh, no, you can't go see them. Their last concert ended in a riot. Not a big one. No. But--but-- [Moseby buzzes] And that is the last [Buzzes] I have on the subject. Oh, well. Say, you want to go up to my suite and count my purses? Yeah, as much fun as that sounds, um I was really looking forward to going to that concert. Well, you heard moseby. He said--[Buzzes] Well, here's what I say-- pbblth! You can't "pbblth" moseby! Yes, I can, and so can you. He is not the boss of you. You the boss of him. You're right. I'm London tipton, and I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Let's sneak out the back. Ok. [People chattering] 'Scuse me. We don't allow riffraff in this hotel. Oh! Riff and raff stayed at the concert. This is Steve and Jackie. Welcome to the tipton, Steve and Jackie and the rest of y'all. We're having a little party in my suite, so send up enough hors d'oeuvres for Uh, 50. Ok, I know I'm not very good at math, but I could swear there are only I lost my place. Now I have to start all over again. Honey, honey-- don't strain yourself. I might have invited a few more people. You know-- Mr. moseby, though much shorter than I am and strikes fear into my very core, doesn't allow you to have big parties this late. Look Is the name on the hotel "the moseby"? Or the tipton? I don't know. I'm still dizzy from the math I just did. Ok, we're--we're going to the penthouse, y'all. This way, dizzy. [Rock music playing] Hey! Pipe down! Mom. Your screaming woke us up. But the music didn't? Yeah, we're used to falling asleep to toxic vomit. Look, I know my cooking's not that good. Mom. That's the name of the band. Oh. Silly me. [Beeps] Oh, I can't get through to the front desk. I'll be right back. Isn't that inconsiderate? Yeah, it sure is. They didn't invite me. You can't go. We need our sleep. We're finely tuned athletes in training. We put cans In bags. But quickly. As long as we're up, we might as well practice our bagging. You know what? You're right. Oh, oh, and I have a new poem that'll help us out. When you get out of bed, bag your head! I have a poem, too. You're a jerk! [Crowd shouting] I'm working on it, sir. I'm going to try and get someone down here. Just give me There's a--I-- hey! Carey: Skippy. Can I speak to you? [Whispering] Oop, sorry. Oh, you're not going to yell at me, are you? No. No, I just want to know what's going on. Oh, well, nothing much. Just, uh, taking a couple of night courses-- animal husbandry, etiquette-- I meant about the noise! You lied to me. Call moseby. Skippy: Ow! Skippy: Mr. moseby? I'm sorry to call you at home, but we got a slight problem here. Man: Look out! Actually, it's a big problem. It's raining furniture! Okey-dokey. What'd he say? Moseby said he'd be here as soon as possible. Oh, but that could take I'm here! Seconds. Sorry it took me so long. Traffic. [Rock music playing] I'm so sorry. Oh, I am very, very sorry. I have everything under control. Yeah, Mr. moseby, you might want to--with-- oh! Oh, they--yes. We're working on our new night managing uniform. [Laughs] But I'll take it off. Please relax and stay calm. [Chuckles] Wonderful. London, open up the door! Mr. moseby, don't you have an access card that opens every door in this hotel? Oh, yes, but I'm afraid I left it at home. Oh, here, use Zack's. Don't give me that look. I confiscated it from him. Yes, you're mother of the year. Well, at least the children left in my care are safe in bed and not partying like wild animals. Yeah, baby. Shake it. Zachary Martin, what are you doing here? [Yawns] Oh, my gosh, I must have been sleep-dancing. Yeah, nice try. You and your brother have a competition, and you're letting him down. Uh-huh, uh-huh! Uh-oh. Uh-oh! Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me. [Crowd groans] Cody. You said you guys were in training. Well, I just came up here to get Zack. But then I met sheena, and she awakened the sleeping man that lies within me. You two back to the suite, now! Let's go, sheena. Thanks, mom! You're the best. Not you. [Whispering] Call me. As for the rest of you, you can either exit out the door or follow the furniture out the window. [Crowd grumbling] Not You two. I expressly told you not to go to that concert. We didn't go to any concert. Then where'd you get those t-shirts? The concert. Why don't you let me do the talking? Ok. First you disobey me, then you destroy my hotel? We didn't destroy the hotel. There's a futon in my ficus. I would have a doctor look at that. That's it. You two are grounded for a month. Ooh, could it be last month? I'm busy this month. Hold up, look. I came up here as a responsible tipton employee to try to keep these kids quiet, but London here wouldn't listen to me. See ya! Not so fast, lia. It's nia! Whatever! Nia, tia, lia, Gia. This whole thing was all your fault. I mean, it was you guys who wanted to go to the concert. Ok, are you going to believe me or the girl here who thinks I'm a soccer team? Well, your track record does speak for itself. Ooh! You run track? I tried that once. But then they put little fences in front of me and I kept tripping. Plus, the other girls wouldn't wait for me. You still expect me to believe London was the mastermind behind all this? Yeah, that was a tough sell. Ok, I'll go pack my bags and you can ship me off to some other relative. No, no, no. You are not getting off that easy. You're staying here. I promised your mother that I would turn you into a responsible young adult. And though I bitterly regret it, a promise is a promise. Wow. No one has ever taken that much interest in me, Uncle Marion. Thank you. You know what? Let's just start over. A--a clean slate, like tonight never even happened. Deal. Ooh, does that mean we're not grounded? Oh, right! Ooh, you're sneaky. Didn't I tell you let me do all the talking? But--I mean-- [Buzzes] Wow. You are moseby's niece. Aah! Wormser: On your mark, get set Sweep! [Crowd cheering] Done! Zack! Yeah? [Coughs] [All cheering] I told you not to drink all that soda at the party last night. When did you finally fall asleep? During that last event. Pitz: Hey, Wayne. Oh, I see a Betsy Ross dress in your future. What size petticoat do you wear? [All laugh] It ain't over till the fat lady sings. Oh. Sorry. I didn't mean to bring your mother into this. What's wrong with you? Sorry, I'm just a little tired. Well, you better wake up, pal, because I do not look good in women's clothes! Yeah, just for the record, you don't look so hot in men's clothes, either. Ok. This is our last chance to win. Well, I just need a little something to wake me up. I was thinking more like some candy. I meant eat some candy. And you think that'll help? You boys know the rules. All the items must fit into one bag. That bag must be carried through the course To the car Without breaking the bag or anything inside of it. On your marks Get set Go, go, go, go, go! Yes! Yes, the canned ham. Now the soups! No coaching! Not the chips. No coaching. Be the bag, be the bag. [All yelling] Good, go, go! Go, get it! Come on! Yeah! [All cheering] Not so fast. Huh? Aha, broken eggs, broken dreams. Oops. I guess I was so tired, I put the eggs at the bottom. You forgot the poem? As Paul revere would say, "the losers are coming, the losers are coming. " No! This is all your fault, Zack. I don't know how you're going to sleep tonight. Apparently Cuddling a bag of potatoes. Hello? Is anybody here? I would like to buy this fish. Ew, it's got tire tracks on it. Ok, never mind. I'm going to the Betsy Ross stop & shop. Wayne: So am I. Aah! This corset's killing me. No, I think you're killing it. Do these stars make me look fat? I don't know. I think I'm still blind from looking at Wayne. Look, guys. I want to apologize. I mean, this is all my fault. My bragging got us into this stupid contest, and then I didn't take the stupid contest seriously and I let you guys down. Mom, I think you should take me home and just lock me in my room. Not so fast, Betsy. That's right. You're coming with us, young lady. Mom, aren't you going to say anything? Yeah. Smile.