Singin' in the Lane

FLANDERS: Okily dokily. Aw, our own home. [GRAMPA SNORING] All right. Takeout Chinese. Everyone can have their favorite thing. For Bart, General Tso's chicken. For Lisa, Pacifist Tso's tofu. For Maggie, Kung Pao Cheerios. And,for Homer, I've got your favorite Favorite? That's my favorite. MSG. Mmm. Ah, needs salt. [CELL PHONE RINGING] Y'ello. Ahoy-hoy, Simpson. I have four seats to tonight's basketball joust, and you were at the top of my list. So, what do you say? Thank you, Mr. Burns. Oh, boy, courtside seats. - I feel like Billy Crystal's doctor. - Who was it? You'll never believe it. We just got HOMER'S BRAIN: Homer, wait. You don't want to go with them. Why not? They're my family. Sweetie, I know that you're talking to your brain. Why don't you just do whatever your heart tells you? Ugh, not that guy. [SHOUTS] I'm numb. Chest pains! Just go to the game with your friends. Brain, you're the greatest. Is there anything I can do for you? Yeah, you could read a book once in a while. D'oh! Carl, I got courtside seats! Lenny, I got courtside seats! Barney, I got courtside seats! I'm in. Who's on trial? You guys got courtside seats? I'd love to go. Just let me lock up the good liquor. Uh, sorry, we only have four tickets. Me, Lenny, Carl and Barney. You really don't want me? I, uh, I thought we was friends. Yeah, we did, too. But then we realized you were serving us beer that's mostly suds. And also, your chicken wings weren't chicken. Hey, meat's meat. Although none of it was meat. Look, hey, where we going with this? You're uninvited, Moe. Hey, wha? LENNY: Not invited, not invited. BARNEY: Who's on trial? Wow. Wow. I am truly alone in this world. ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE: No, you're not. Uh, thanks, uh, Anti-Suicide Keychain. ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE: You're welcome. I care about you MOE [ON KEYCHAIN]: Uh, Moe Szyslak. ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE: very much. [SNIFFLES] Uh, Moe, about last night Yeah, on the house, fellas. [ALL GASP] And I got new cocktail napkins that ain't just unpaid parking tickets. See? Yeah, huh? How about that? Why you being so nice to us after we rejected you? Well, maybe the problem wasn't youse, maybe it was mees. So, I'se, uh, sprucing up the bar, trying to make things nice, you know, like they used to be. Hey! It's the Pin Pals, our old bowling team! Those were great times. Them were the best times. Closer than brothers, we was, says I. Then Apu had his octopuses, and suddenly he didn't have time to bowl with his buddies five nights a week. But as I said, great times. Guys, I think we should reform the Pin Pals, but this time with me, Lenny, Carl and Moe! [GASPS] Oh, guys, I would love to! But I can't bowl no more. I got beer-pull tunnel syndrome. Ow! Another, please. Ow! It's a little short. [GRUNTS IN PAIN] I guess you'll have to ask Barney to bowl with ya's. - Do they have beer? - Yes. To bowling! I get knocked down But I get up again You're not going to keep me down Moe, this is for you. Ah. - What do you say? - Coach? Terrific! I love screaming at people who are trying their best. OTHERS: To Moe! What are you doing? Don't drink that. You're in training. The boys are back in town Boys are back in town A lot of music in this episode. The boys are back in town The boys are back in town Boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES] [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES] The boys are back in town Boys are back in town I said the boys are back in town The boys are back in town Okay, sidekicks, back in our shadows. CHOIR: Hallelujah Hallelujah. - Yay! - Yay! We made it, boys. Going to the state finals in Capital City! [GRUNTING] Uh, sorry, that's where we store our extra balls. Quick! Rest his head! Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow! Ow! MOE: All right, the state finals. If we win this, the next tournament is on ESPN8. All right, guys, don't be yokels. Just act like you seen it all before. Holy crap! [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] [ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] Uh, it says we're on lane 17. Wow! Topiary lane numbers. I'll bet they're plastic. Yep, they are, but don't tell management. So I guess we're playing you guys, huh? Best two out of three. I'm Reynolds. We're high-frequency traders. I was the model for The Wolf of Wall Street. I was the model for American Psycho. I was a model for toe fungus in a Dr. Scholl's commercial. - And I was - I'll give you $100 to stop talking. Deal! Hey, and here's a hundred for you for looking at me like I am the most amazing thing you ever saw. I think I'm giving you a $500 look. Well, here's $400, and screw you. Wow. I finally found my path in life: socio. Hey, Harold, buddy. You know, I was wondering Excuse me. Why cheeseburgers? The cheese holds it together in flight. Duh. I mean, why do you throw them at good people? Question time is over. Really hope that social worker pays better by the time you grow up. [CHUCKLES] Social worker. Hey. This little dingus gets it. All right, little man. From now on, we're gonna call you McDingus. You're treating me like dirt! [CHUCKLES] I belong! [PHONE VIBRATES] I'm wearing a new hat! I'm gonna show you that the one thing in the world that you're a little bit good at, I'm better. Okey-doke. Damn it! All right, now, listen to me. These stuffed suits don't stand a chance against us working joes. - Because we got - Moxie? - Eh, no. - Uh, grit? Nah, we're pretty grit-less. Well, what have we got? My stepdad is Lebanese. We are a damn rainbow! - Yay! - Yeah! We win. We win! The first out of three! Huh! I haven't been this confident since I saw La La Land win Best Picture and turned off my TV. Good win, you guys. Lunch is on us. Wow! Is that a Visa double diamond card? Yep. Doesn't have to be inserted or swiped. - It just knows. - Wow! - [ZAPPING] - It can sense that you're poor. Once again they substitute rhino for narwhal. [SCOFFS] It's like they think we won't notice. Thanks for lunch. And now you'll be eating crow for dessert. Uh, side note I have actually eaten crow. It is not bad. Tastes like seagull. Chang-stein, I bet you that I can break down this loser right here in, oh, 15 seconds. Moe, I would like to ask you about your last birthday. W-Why? W-What have you heard? Did you have a party? - No, sir. - [LISA GROANS] - Cake? - No. Ah, man, it looks like he's tearing Moe a new one. Well, most of his old ones are pretty bad, so that could be a good thing. So, did you leave your house? No. [SOBS] Any phone calls? - Y-Yes. - Meant for you? No! [SOBBING] I pretended to be someone who was interested in carpet cleaning. [WATCH CHIMING] Um, that's time, and he is definitely crying, so you win. Bart, you don't want to be with these guys. They're monsters. Hey, their 401Ks are monsters. Do you even know what a 401K is? I assume it's a gun. Yeah, well, I may not have much, but I got some things that matter, huh? My bar, my friends, my good name. OTHERS: Hear! Hear! All right, well, if you believe in your friends so much, how about we make a little wager on the match? - Uh, oh, can I bet on youse to win? - No. Careful, Moe. I got a bad feeling about this. Just leave us be, huh? All right, how about this? If we win the next two games, your bar is ours, and you have to change your, uh, good name. LENNY: I got a bad feeling. ALL [CHANTING]: Bad feeling, bad feeling, [ALL GASP] But if I win, I want something I can share with my friends. Something only a rich guy like you can give us. Let's do this. MOE: Look at me, Moe Szyslak, shaking hands with a guy wearing a shirt worth more than I'll earn in my entire life. REYNOLDS: Ugh, it feels like I'm shaking hands with a squid. No, the squid has a much firmer grip. REYNOLDS: Hey, Pin Gals. ALL: Wha? Hey, hey, hey, we ain't afraid of no bowling shirts. They're not shirts; it's compression wear, which increases blood flow to our arms and decreases wind resistance. Oh, yeah! They know two-handed bowling. Hey, we been hustled! Huh, if you can't trust hedge fund guys, who can you trust? [PINS CLATTER] Nice toss. Um, nobody likes suck-ups. All right? Cheeseburger. I want to help you stand up to them. But they're traders. All we know is how to collect information. Everyone has a weak spot. We will aggregate their emotional responses and run a regression through the data. Thanks for dumbing it down for us. Polish your balls? Man, this alley does everything. Oh, I don't work for the alley. No, indeed. Bart? Hey, Mom, I got a question for you. -Am I too young to start drinking vodka? -Yes. Wish you would've told me that an hour ago. Here's a little "don't tell Homer" money. If you love money with all your heart, the money will never love you back. Will having no money make me happy? No. Does Bill Gates love his wife? Melinda? Of course he does. They started a foundation that does wonderful things. - With money, right? - Yes. So, money's the answer for everything. Have a C-note, sweetheart. - She gets it. - Oh! Whew, they really kicked our butts. [PANTS] I'm gonna lose my bar and my name. No Moe, no tavern, nothing. I'm gonna jump into that empty elevator shaft! Moe, no! [PANTING] [SCREAMS] I just, uh I can't win. [STRAINING] Oh, yeah, now we're getting somewhere. [GRUNTS] All right, we've come to that time the time where I give that inspirational speech I've been keeping in my pocket. [CLEARS THROAT] You have given this lonely little man a reason to get up every single day, and that is why I love youse, Marge. I mean, uh, Pin Pals. Pin Pals. [CHEERING] And we got a secret weapon. This guy is sober. I am, because of the love of your sister. Now, just so you know, that was, that was a catfish thing, right? What's a "catfish" thing? I'll explain it to you after the match. Just don't drink. You know how, uh, how Miriam hates it. You know, you sister looks just like Jennifer Lawrence. And all her pictures say "Getty Images. " Yeah, that's-that's a problem with your computer. Just stay sober, huh? Mm-hmm. Huh? [CHOIR SINGING ETHEREAL MUSIC] Hey, have you ever tasted liquid gold? You realize that was a thousand-dollar swallow. Return to me. [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] [CHEWBACCA-LIKE GROWL] ["LITTLE GREEN BAG" BY GEORGE BAKER SELECTION PLAYING] Yeah. [MUSIC STOPS] Oh, what do you want? Fair warning: we have combed through all the emotional data on you to find your soft targets. What the hell are you talking about? You'll see, in just 15 seconds. Reynolds, artificial intelligence is just three months away from taking your job. Without my job, I I'm just a douche. You don't know that the other two are sleeping with your wife. I thought you were, but you?! You're all about your BMW, but you couldn't afford the sport package. - [WILHELM SCREAM] - [BUZZER SOUNDS] And I win, just like all good people always win. - McDingus. - Yes, Father? Throw this at your sister. You won't do it, Bart. Why not? It's you and it's me, and it wastes food. You won't do it because, deep down, there's something weird that connects us. You're crazy. Neither of us admits it, but it's there. I hold myself out to you. Go on, make my face the home of the Whopper. I-I can't do it. You do like me. You do! And we'll always keep this burger as a symbol of our fr [CHEWING NOISILY] May I wax your alley? Will you get out of here?! All right, this is it, the tenth frame, the final frame. The frame where you start looking for your regular shoes. All right, Barney, just do your thing. No pressure. Here's a picture of my sister in the movie Silver Linings Playbook. - Take a look. - [BURPS] Hey, you guys liquored him up! Don't worry, Moe, I can still win the spelling bee. "Recidivism. " "R" um Eh, because of this idiot, Homer, we need three strikes from you. I just want to know what it's like to be a winner, huh? Just one time. What about that Women in Film award? - No, I stole that. - [OTHERS GASP] Okay, Moe, for you, I'll do it. We're gonna win. I'm not gonna have to start over again! Because starting over, uh, what would that even mean? ["LA VIE EN ROSE" PLAYING] [SHIP HORN BLOWS] That could be my reality. Oh, my God, I got to lose this match. Homer, no! - Give me the ball! - I need it to bowl! I don't want to win! You're the worst coach ever! - [GRUNTING] - Just give me the damn ball! [CHEERING] What's wrong, Moe? - Yeah, we won. - Nothing. I just got to go back to the worst thing in the world, huh? Being me. [SIGHS HEAVILY] The guy you wouldn't even invite to a basketball game. Wha uh, d-did somebody say "wait"? - OTHERS: No. - Well, I wouldn't come back now if you begged me. - LENNY: Wait! - Yeah? Just making a point. Surprise! You guys are my friends. - That's right. - We sure are. And we're gonna have a big party! Right after we get back from the basketball game. Eh, salt of the earth there. All right, guys, since we won the championship, those hedge fund do-rags have to deliver an experience for me and my pals that only they can bring. When does it start? Right about now. Welcome to how I always feel.