Filibuster (Archer)

(Archer moaning deliriously) LANA: Archer. ARCHER: Lana? (Lana yelps) Lana! LANA: Whoa, Jesus Christ! Chill out, Miggs! ARCHER: I'm sorry, it's just been so long. LANA: Okay, it's been ARCHER: Oh, my God. You're pregnant again?! LANA: What? ARCHER: How long have I been down here, left to rot in this godforsaken hole?! LANA: Like three weeks. ARCHER: Hmm, seems so much longer than that. LANA: It ARCHER: So, please tell me that's an entire canard Ã la presse with a file in it. LANA: Half a chicken, no file, just that weird quasi-cornbread they have here. ARCHER: Ugh, why do you even bother? LANA: That's weird, I was asking myself the same thing on the way down here. ARCHER: And then brought crappy food anyway? LANA: And then left? ARCHER: No, no, no, wait, come on, Lana, I-I'm sorry, but I-I'm starting to lose it down here. You-you got to make him let me go! LANA: Make him how? ARCHER: Well, I hate to even ask, but LANA: Blow him? ARCHER: Your words. LANA: And then what, Archer, you want me to blow the whole army? ARCHER: How is there still an army? How have the rebels not wiped them out already? LANA: Because turns out, he's actually very good at commanding an army. CYRIL: And as Third and Fourth Battalion withdraw, here comes First Armored, and now the rebels are outflanked. COMANDANTE (laughs): Sir, it's brilliant! CYRIL: A classic pincher movement. Just like Hannibal at the battle of Cannae. And also Keith, in my Warhammer guild. LANA: So, get used to that weird cornbread, 'cause you might be down here a ARCHER: Lana, I need a woman's touch! (Lana grunts) Oh! Ow! I'm sorry, Lana. I said a woman, not a stevedore who lost his hand in a stevedoring accident and then got a hand transplant from an actual bear. LANA: So, did you want to just do it right through the bars or? ARCHER: I mean, we do. And sometimes they do. CALDÃRON: Hello. LANA: I wait. So, in three weeks, you go from you're gonna execute Archer to now you guys are, like, swinger pals? CALDÃRON: Well, I wouldn't say "pals. " ARCHER: Wow, not what you said yesterday. CALDÃRON: Oh, come on, that was the pruno talking. LANA: Well, I hate to break up this delightful mÃ©nage, but Presidente Cyril wants her back upstairs. ARCHER: Wait, what? CALDÃRON: What? JULIANA: Why. LANA: Guess. JULIANA: Ah. LANA: Mm. CALDÃRON: Ow! Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! BOTH: What? CALDÃRON: Archer, do you want me to move over one? ARCHER: Eh. CYRIL: Ah, Madame First Lady. So good of you to join me. JULIANA: It's not as if I had a choice. CYRIL: Well JULIANA: Nor am I still the the first lady. CYRIL: Well, maybe not technically, since your husband divorced you and then was immediately deposed by me, but the situation is, as they say, fluid. LANA: Ugh. I brought her, can I go now? CYRIL: Yes, for the love of God, get out. LANA: I meant home. PAM (laughing): What are you, nuts? Cap'n Crunch here just took all the coca fields back from the rebels. We're sitting on an endless supply. LANA: Of what, coca leaf smoothies? (rhythmic gulping) Oh, my God. That's a coca leaf smoothie. CHERLENE: And they're gross. It basically tastes like a fart of itself, but it's better than the cocaine donuts and whipped cocaine she was eating. (Pam burps) PAM: 'Cause that's just empty calories. LANA: Well, and cocaine. PAM: Which, if I'm being totally honest, I maybe might have a problem with. LANA: No. CYRIL: And, Lana, the rebels still control the airport. It's their HQ. So, unless you want to walk, you can't go home. MALORY: And why on Earth would you want to? (Lana sighs) CYRIL: Uh MALORY: Why bother going back? The U. S. government stole your livelihood, forced you to become a criminal. And I hate to say it, but it's not like you have a man waiting for you. LANA: I You know MALORY: Whereas here we have everything we need. It's like San Marcos has been waiting thousands of years for us to arrive. Lana, this could be our LANA: Don't. MALORY: Zion, yes, there, I said it. (Pam burps) PAM: Wait, they got weed here, too? LANA: That's not what the song's about! CHERLENE: Told you. LANA: But I just this second realized why you want to stay down here. Cyril's just the Vader to your Palpatine. MALORY: Is that a reference I should get, or? LANA: Seriously? MALORY: Well, I'm sorry, Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical school. LANA: It's from No, you know what? Never mind. But, spoiler alert, Vader ends up killing Palpatine. CYRIL: Hey. CHERLENE: But only for three days, right? And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger than ever. PAM: Then he shuts off the tractor beam, releasing the Jews from captivity. LANA: What? CYRIL: Hey. MALORY: Wait, yes, now that sounds familiar. LANA: It cannot possibly. MALORY: Gospel of Luke? CYRIL: Hey. LANA: Oh for Ray, you used to be a preacher, you want to back me up here? RAY: I actually don't know. My church didn't really do the New Testament. LANA: The one with Jesus Christ in it. RAY: I mean, I take your word for it, but CYRIL: Hey! Will you idiots get out?! I'm trying to talk to the first lady! CHERLENE: Of what, this country or country music? 'Cause I'm first lady of both! CYRIL No, you're not CHERLENE: Outlaw country! (jail door bangs shut) (Cherlene sighs) CALDÃRON: Oh, my God, my beautiful and also multi-talented wife! You are here! CHERLENE: I know, right? It's like, finally. ARCHER: As in this is a good thing? (plays random notes) CHERLENE: Duh! I'm finally gonna get the outlaw country cred I deserve. CALDÃRON: Oh, my God, you've always deserved it. ARCHER: Wait, how does being in jail? CHERLENE: Paging Dr. Black, Dr. Man In Black! Johnny Cash was in Folsom Prison and San Quentin, so ARCHER: Yeah, to visit. CHERLENE: Hmm? ARCHER: He just played for the prisoners, dummy. He wasn't actually in prison. (plays "womp womp") But don't worry. We're gonna get out of here and go join the rebels. CALDÃRON: Yes, then you and I, my beautiful wife, will live a simple life in the hills, scratching shit food, like yams, out of the ground with a, uh, yam-scratcher. CHERLENE: Okay, A-- start counting backwards from a million years, and when you get to zero that still won't happen. CALDÃRON: Aw. CHERLENE: And B-- how how do we get out of here? ARCHER: Well, we're, uh, still fine-tuning it, but CALDÃRON: We have no plan, whatsoever. CHERLENE: Okay, good, because I didn't want to step on anybody's toes, but byoink. CALDÃRON: Whaaaaat? ARCHER: Where did you get that? CHERLENE: Let's just say, "I honestly don't know. " ARCHER: Fair enough. CHERLENE: Cyril says the rebel headquarters are Wait, is it "are" or is it "is"? ARCHER: It's "where," idiot! CHERLENE: The airport! Jesus! CALDÃRON: And you, sir, will keep a civil tongue in your head when you are addressing the First Lady of the government-in-exile of La RepÃºblica de San Marcos! CHERLENE: And also country music. ARCHER: I facetiously beg milady's pardon. CHERLENE: Oh, milady facetiously grants it. ARCHER: Oh, goody. Now let's steal a car, go join the rebels, then come back here and crush Cyril's stupid army. CALDÃRON: You make it sound so easy. ARCHER (chuckling): Well, it's Cyril. I mean, unless he's got a nuclear warhead in his pants CHERLENE: Which he totally does. KRIEGER: Which, guys, can we talk about this? KRIEGER CLONE 1: The time for talk is kaput, Klon-Bruder. Now is the time for action! KRIEGER CLONE 2: Clone bone! CHERLENE: And by that I mean his you know ARCHER: Yeah, we CHERLENE: Let me finish! penis. No, you ruined it. And by "it," I meant the moment. Not his penis. ARCHER: I CHERLENE: Penis. ARCHER: Will you shut up?! I know what I'm doing! CALDÃRON: Yes, but don't do what you are doing! (CaldÃ©ron and Cherlene yelp) (Archer chuckles) CALDÃRON: Are you crazy?! This car is worth one quarter of $1 million! CHERLENE: Well, was. ARCHER: And did you ever think maybe your fleet of priceless cars is the reason you're fighting off a rebellion? CALDÃRON: I'm fighting the rebels because that is what we do! My father fought the rebels, his father fought the rebels CHERLENE: So, like a family business. ARCHER: That manufactures oppression. CALDÃRON: Well, and cocaine. In fact CHERLENE: Stop! (Archer and CaldÃ©ron scream) (tires screeching) ARCHER: What?! CHERLENE: That. (Archer gasps) I mean, if you think we have time. (tiger roars) ARCHER: I Is there a tiger? CALDÃRON: Of course there is a tiger. Where did you think you are, Tegucigalpa? (Archer giggles gleefully) (tires squealing) CYRIL: And so, by the power self-vested in me, I now pronounce us man and wife, and I may also kiss the bride. (Cyril kissing, Juliana grunts) PAM: Yay! MALORY: Ugh, second worst wedding ever. RAY: Yeah, but at least nobody died. PAM (laughing): Yet! (clears throat) Inappropes. MALORY: What is wrong with you? PAM: I'm trying to make that a thing people say, like, "Damn, dawg, that's inappropes!" Plus, I think I'm addicted to cocaine. MALORY: Well, but look on the bright side. With any luck at all, it will save me the trouble of killing you myself. PAM (sniffling): Damn, dawg RAY: Inappropes. PAM: Yay! ARCHER (quietly): Yay! Yay! (tiger roars) They should've sent a poet. Oh, and some meat. Do we have any meat? (elephant trumpets) CALDÃRON: Literally tons. ARCHER: No, I didn't mean another animal. I meant like a steak, or some CALDÃRON: Typical American. You think meat comes from the supermercado, all wrapped in a nice plastic wrap. ARCHER: Yeah, you're describing meat. CALDÃRON: No, no, no. Meat is blood and bones and sinew! ARCHER: Well, now you're describing not-meat. CALDÃRON: Meat is whatever the tiger says is meat, because God made him the boss and all the other animals his food! (tiger roars) ARCHER: Hang on, buddy. And thank you, George Bore-well, for that clunky analogy in defense of totalitarianism, but I'm not feeding Shane an elephant. CHERLENE: Who the hell is (gasps) Oh, my God, he's totally a Shane. So let me bounce this off you guys KRIEGER: What say we don't launch this giant nerve gas missile at, uh where did you say you were launching it? KRIEGER CLONE 1: Wouldn't you like to know? (hearty laughter) KRIEGER: I would, actually. Come on, you guys are acting a little insane. KRIEGER CLONE 1: Do you know what's insane?! KRIEGER: Yeah, this. All of it, everything. The rocket, uh I'm not really comfortable with the clone-bone. KRIEGER CLONE 1: You're not doing it right. Now move, so I can begin the launch sequence. KRIEGER: Over my dead body, man that was a jinx, huh? (cocks gun) No, no, no, wait, wait, wait! ARCHER: Hang on! As amazing as it would be, we can't take Shane with us. CHERLENE: Yeah, we can, watch. BOTH: No, no, no, no! No, don't! (low rumbling growl) CALDÃRON: Okay, okay, okay, okay. ARCHER: Carol, listen to me very closely. CHERLENE: Why, you gonna walk me through your organic method of vaginal hygiene? ARCHER: My what? CHERLENE: You're a bigger pussy than Shane! Come here, boy! (smacking lips) (tiger roars, CaldÃ©ron screams) ARCHER AND CHERLENE: Shane! (CaldÃ©ron screams) CHERLENE: Do something! (CaldÃ©ron screaming) ARCHER: Like what? KRIEGER CLONE 1: Get him! (grunting) KRIEGER CLONE 2: We're coming, brother! KRIEGER CLONE 3: Hiy! (gunshot) (Krieger Clone 3 screams) KRIEGER CLONE 2: No! KRIEGER CLONE 1: Brother! (thuds) You bastard! Brother, the launch sequence! KRIEGER: No! (keyboard clicking) (strained grunting) (gunshot) KRIEGER CLONE 1: Don't stop! (four gunshots) (grunting) KRIEGER CLONE 2: Almost there. KRIEGER: Oh, come on! KRIEGER CLONE 2: Shut up. SEXY ROBOT VOICE: Launch sequence initiated. KRIEGER: No! KRIEGER CLONE 1 (sobs): No! (thuds) (strained grunting) (choking) KRIEGER: Ha-ha! It doesn't work with a bow tiiiiiiiiieeeeee! (loud thuds) ARCHER: Shane! Shane! CHERLENE: Shane! (CaldÃ©ron screaming) (tiger roars) (scream stops abruptly) ARCHER: Shane? (tiger snuffles) (low, contented growl) CHERLENE: Well, we should've guessed that was gonna happen. (chuckling) ARCHER: W we should've? CHERLENE: Well, or at least could've. I mean ARCHER: Yeah, I-I-I guess, uh I guess a leopard can't change his spots. CHERLENE: Uh I don't know that much about leopards. ARCHER: That was actually a proverb. CHERLENE: That was actually a tiger. SEXY ROBOT VOICE: Minutes to launch: 180. KRIEGER: Huh. That is a lot longer than I thought it would be. ARCHER: Okay, when we get to rebel HQ, they might be aggressive at first, but CHERLENE: They wouldn't if we had a damn tiger. (Archer sighs) ARCHER: No. We're-we're not going back. Unless No. CHERLENE: What if ARCHER: He had his chance! JULIANA: A what? CYRIL: A charivari. Also called a shivaree? You know, it's that thing where everybody bangs pots and pans outside our room as we consummate. (chuckles) JULIANA: Oh n-no. We're not doing that. LANA: Ha-ha! Ow! Ray, my feet are already killing me. RAY: Sorry. MALORY: He's probably not used to leading. RAY: You know MALORY: You, on the other hand lead away. PAM: Mind if I cut in? COMANDANTE: No. MALORY: Yes! PAM: Screw you guys. Hey, Krieger! KRIEGER: What the hell is going on? PAM: Cyril's the new dictator CYRIL: President. PAM: Shut up, and he just married crazy tits, and I need a dance partner. KRIEGER: Wh? So nobody noticed that I've been missing for three weeks? RAY: Um CYRIL: No. MALORY: Well, I certainly didn't. PAM: We figured the vampires ate you. MALORY: The what? LANA: Wait, what? KRIEGER (sighs): They're not vampires, they're my clones. Or I'm their clone, or MALORY: Oh, please, you and your clone nonsense, it's all a bunch of LANA: Holy shit. CYRIL: Why was I not informed of this, Krieger? PAM: If he even is Krieger! CYRIL: Huh? RAY: What? PAM: The real Krieger could be down there! KRIEGER: Oh, for that is just I won't even dignify that with a response. Uh, uh (snapping fingers) LANA: Pam? KRIEGER: Pam! PAM: Uh-huh. KRIEGER: I've got a concussion. And this regular tie means nothing, I don't like bow ties so I switched. LANA: Well, you certainly sound concussed. PAM: He sounds like a vampire! I say we tie him up and let the sun sort it out! LANA: You need to hush. SEXY ROBOT VOICE: Minutes to launch: 150. MALORY: What is that? PAM: What is going on? CYRIL: Tell me that robot's not talking about launching this rocket, Krieger. PAM: Or should we say Count Krieg Ow! Ow! Ow, cut it out! Ow! Goddamn it! Ow! LANA: Thank you. PAM: Vampire lovers. KRIEGER: Yeah, so, here's the thing ARCHER: This is it, rebel headquarters. Now, remember, let me do the talking. CHERLENE: Got it. ARCHER: I'm serious. CHERLENE: I got it. ARCHER: Look at me. CHERLENE: I got it! Jesus! ARCHER: Okay. Then here we go. (rebels shouting in Spanish) REBEL SOLDIER: Pinche cabrÃ³n! CHERLENE: Ow! ARCHER: Goddamn it! You said you'd let me do the (grunts) (Cherlene laughing) REBEL SOLDIER 2: Â¡Espere, espere! Â¡Mira, mira! Es la cantante! CHERLENE: It's all about me this time Aw MALORY: So. You're saying this gigantic rocket is not only full of deadly nerve gas, but also aimed God knows where? KRIEGER: Well, that statement presupposes the existence of God, but MALORY: Krieger, I am about two seconds away from telling Pam to get a wooden stake. PAM: Yay! KRIEGER: I'm not a vampire! MALORY: Doesn't matter to the stake. KRIEGER: Then yes! It's full of nerve gas, and I don't know where it's aimed! LANA: What? What's the range on this thing? KRIEGER: I don't know, 2,000 miles? (Malory gasps) MALORY: How far away is the Upper East Side? KRIEGER: I don't know, 1,980-something miles? (Malory screams) CYRIL: Okay, this is a presidential order from the president. Shut it down! KRIEGER: I can't! PAM: Can't, or won't? KRIEGER: Can't! PAM: Oh. I didn't hear you. LANA: Ray, can you override the launch sequence? RAY: Um SEXY ROBOT VOICE: Launch sequence accelerated. RAY: No. (all exclaiming) MALORY: Oh, for God's sake. SEXY ROBOT VOICE: Minutes to launch: 90. LANA: Cyril CYRIL: Uh, it's actually SeÃ±or Presidente, but LANA: Shh, hush. Now I know you've had a fun time as dictator, and we all enjoyed this little break from him, but Cyril-- and if you tell him I said this, I'll break your frickin' arms-- it's ugh Archer time. CYRIL: Wha? Oh, all right. LANA: Krieger, I assume the whatever PAM: Doppelkriegers. LANA: I assume they had a lab, so take Ray and see if you can find some info on how to shut this damn thing down. We'll go get Archer. PAM: Ooh, and Cherlene! LANA: Ooh, and no. Because she isn't here. CYRIL: Oh! Damn it, Archer! Damn you! You can't even let me pretend to be magnanimous while inwardly gloating! MALORY: Oh, shut up. What does the note say? LANA (reading): So, airport? PAM: But the note says not (mumbling) CYRIL: Well, I guess that settles that! I mean, it's not like we can just waltz into enemy territory and Well, I certainly can't. LANA: Can't, or CYRIL: Both, either, all. They'd shoot me on sight, Lana. And if you want Archer so damn bad, you can go get him your (tires squealing) Huh. I didn't think she'd actually do it. MALORY: Then you're an idiot. CYRIL: Oh, I'm the idiot? MALORY: Yes. (Archer grunts) ARCHER: What the? Holly? HOLLY: Archer? SLATER: Rando? ARCHER: Slater? HOLLY: Who the hell is Rando? SLATER: Him! HOLLY: That's Sterling Archer! CHERLENE (loudly): A-hem! And I am Cherlene? The Queen of Outlaw Country? SLATER: What the hell are you doing here? ARCHER: What the hell are you doing here? HOLLY: I could ask you the same question. I am asking you the same question! ARCHER: We came to join the rebels. SLATER: What? ARCHER: What's the FBI doing in San Marcos? With a cocaine smuggler? (Holly sighs) HOLLY: I'm not FBI, and he's not a SLATER: Well, technically, I am, but HOLLY: We're both CIA. ARCHER: What?! CHERLENE (whispering): C I A. SLATER: And we're also the rebels. HOLLY: And you are in a mundo of caca. LANA: Okay! Listen, stop, listen to me! ARCHER: Lana?! LANA: Holly? LANA: Holly? What's the FBI doing ARCHER: These dickheads aren't FBI, Lana, they're CIA! And also the rebels! Huh. Thought that would get more of a reaction. LANA: Yeah, no, that is, um news, uh but my water just broke, so