The Blind Date, The Cheapskate, & The Primate

[Both panting]

I am sick of having to take the stairs just so you can avoid Tony!

Yeah. Things have been supes awkward since you guys broke up.

But on the bright side, my legs look fabulous.

[Panting]

Things are not awkward between Tony and me.

Then why did we have to take the fire escape up here yesterday?

Well, sue me for trying to teach you some emergency fire preparedness.

Um, if there's a fire, why would we climb back into the penthouse?

Maybe the sidewalk is on fire.

You ever think of that, smart guy?

Wonderful news, everyone.

I just procured an internship at the Central Park zoo!

Ravi, that's great!

How much do you get paid?

It is an internship. I get paid in the currency of knowledge.

Well, maybe it'll give you the knowledge to ask for money next time.

[Panting] You are not allowed...

To break up with any more...

Doormen.

On the bright side, your legs look fabulous!

Yeah, they really do, don't they?

Mmm hmm.

Ow! Ow! Cramping, cramping!

Cramp, cramp.

Bertram!

You got my popcorn!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ My whole world is changing. Turning around. ♪ ♪ They got me going crazy. Yeah, they're shaking the ground. ♪ ♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town. ♪ ♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ Hey Jessie. ♪ ♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie. ♪

[Music]

Hey, Bertram, your "Meat of the Week" is here.

Sounds sausagey!

No! Don't bruise my braunschweiger!

[Elevator dinging]

Uh... Tony.

Uh... Jessie.

Uh... awkward.

Hey, look, Tony, why does it have to be so weird between us?

Just because you've seen me without makeup and I've seen you without Hair Gel...

I bet he looked better than you did.

Who said that?

You know, Jessie, it hasn't been that long since we broke up.

It's natural for things to be a little weird, until, you know, you move on.

[Scoffs] Oh, oh, I've... I've moved on.

Yeah, I've probably moved further than you have.

How do you know how far I've moved?

Maybe I've moved plenty.

Can we move to the park? I'm getting bored.

Look, Tony, if you want to date someone else, I'd be cool with it.

And I'm cool if you want to date someone else.

You know what would be super cool? Going to the park.

So, if you're ready to date and I'm ready to date, then we should set each other up on dates.

Tomorrow night.

Both: We should?

They should?

Yeah. And you know what? I have got the perfect girl for you.

She's beautiful, smart, fun. Red hair.

I'm gonna set it up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about the park?

Can you believe that?

She's throwing herself at me!

Say what now?

Jessie just described herself.

So I don't need to find her a date for tomorrow night, because obviously, she wants to date me!

Why would she set herself up with you?

You broke up. Been there, dated that.

Clearly she's still hung up on me.

Oh, that poor, heartbroken little girl.

You know what they say. "Once you leave Tony, you feel so alone-y".

Mmm... nobody says that.

I can't believe Jessie is still into Tony.

[Scoffs] Wait till he goes bald.

They all leave when the hair leaves.

Great, Valerie. You are gonna have so much fun on your date with Tony.

He has awesome hair.

[Scoffs] For now...

And I can't wait to see who Tony sets me up with.

It's gonna be fun. Okay, bye!

[Chuckling]

What are you laughing at?

Okay, as funny as this would be, there's something I should tell you.

See, you're setting Tony up with a real girl...

Right. And it says a lot about your social life that you feel the need to make that clarification.

But you were saying...

Oh, never mind. Have fun on your "mystery" date!

[Chuckling]

Okay. I... I still don't understand why you're laughing.

Oh, I just love life. [Laughs]

Since when?

I am so excited to work with the animals.

And, of course, help you with your grueling workload.

Oh, I don't need help with my load.

Just the animals' loads.

So I will only be working with this shovel?

Of course not. When you get to the elephant cage...

[Elephant trumpeting]

You're gonna need this one.

Well, it is a good thing I did that push-up last week.

So, do you enjoy working here?

Oh, yes. Animals are my life.

I work with them all day, and then at night I sleep right outside their habitats.

So they don't get lonely.

There are many animals in each habitat. They have each other.

All right, so I don't get lonely.

New York City is filled with people.

Do you not want to go out and meet some of them?

Oh, no. It's a jungle out there. And not the good kind.

Truth is... I'm afraid of people.

You are not afraid of me.

I know. Because you remind me of a ferret.

Oh, Roy. Do you want your num-nums?

[Growling] I have to go get his bananas.

He likes them cut into little shapes.

What kind of shapes?

Tiny people.

As a tiny person, should I be worried?

Oh, no. Just don't wear yellow.

That is the color of my uniform!

Yes. Which explains our constant need for new interns...

Hi, Ravi. Jessie sent me down because you forgot your lunch.

Are you having fun with the animals?

[Roars]

Oh!

Alas, no. Ms. Kruchall gets to do all the fun stuff with the animals.

What about when she goes on break?

She never leaves the zoo.

Well, obviously we need to get Ms. Kruchall a social life.

That will not be easy.

She's afraid of people, she scratches a lot, and earlier today she asked me to pick nits out of her hair.

Ravi, I need your help again.

This one is a whopper.

Hi! I'm Emma.

Aah! Person! Blend in!

Uh... I can still see you.

Ms. Kruchall, this is just my sister, Emma.

Emma, hold out your hand so she can sniff it.

[Sniffs] Nice to meet you.

You, too.

So, Ravi tells me you're married to your work.

Wouldn't you rather be married to, you know, a guy?

Sure. If it were Dr. Durst.

He's in charge of the turtles, but he's painfully shy.

This coming from a woman who just hid behind a bunch of bananas!

Well, maybe Emma could help you get him out of his shell. [Laughs]

[Gorilla roaring]

Roy hates puns.

Do you really think you could make Dr. Durst notice me?

Absolutely!

We just need to take a quick trip to the salon.

And by "quick trip,"

I mean the entire day.

[Stutters] Oh, I can't leave. Uh, there's no one to watch the animals.

I, your trusty intern, will.

I will watch them like a hawk.

Except for the Meerkats, because that would just freak them out.

All right, Ravi, you're in charge for the next few hours.

But remember, no letting your friends in for free.

No problem! I have no friends!

Now, please leave before I start crying.

Now I can spend some time with the animals.

Who is ready to have some fun?

Count me in.

Luke, what are you doing here?

This party animal wants to party with some animals.

What should I do first, buffalo polo, or giraffe jousting?

Neither!

Ms. Kruchall left me in charge, and I do not want to lose her trust.

There is no room in the zoo for monkey business!

[Monkey screeching]

It is different when the monkeys do it.

It is precisely their business.

Hey, Tony!

So, is my date ready to go?

I think so.

She's been waiting for you in that horse-drawn carriage for, like, 10 minutes.

[Horse nickering]

Wait. You got me a date with a real girl?

Yeah. Why is everyone so hung up on that?

Uh... no, it's just... I'm shocked.

Because she is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen!

I mean, when I'm not looking at you.

Which I'm not, because she's gorgeous!

Yeah, yeah. Where's my date?

My deodorant won't stay active all night.

Um...

Maybe your date's in the lobby.

I'll go see!

Hmm, okay.

[Sighs] Eddie!

Just the guy I'm looking for!

Well, keep looking, because my name is Earl.

Uh, whatever. You're a good-looking guy.

How would you like to go on a date tonight?

[Chuckles] Hey, buddy... Uh, don't get me wrong, I'm flattered, but...

Uh, not with me. With my ex-girlfriend.

Is she cute?

Judge for yourself.

[Vocalizing]

I am glad I wore clothes under this today.

Yeah. Lucky for all of us.

Jessie, this is my old pal, Eddie.

Earl. Eddie Earl.

[Chuckles] Hi.

Hi.

So, how long have you known Tony?

Uh, about three minutes.

[Laughs]

Eddie Earl is such a joker.

[Laughing]

Okay, you kids have fun.

I know I will.

You know, going out with you is gonna be a lot more fun than cleaning out toilets.

Wow, you're pretty and you have low expectations. I like it!

[Music]

Luke, please stop playing tug of war with Ellie the Elephant!

I can't. It's best three out of five.

And I refuse to lose to a girl! Whoa!

[Elephant trumpeting]

Oh, great. There goes my non-showering streak!

[Grunts]

Luke, you are messing up my chance to impress Ms. Kruchall.

I went from cleaning up after the animals to cleaning up after you.

Ms. Kruchall: That pedicure was intense!

I have never had my bunions blasted.

Emma: And now you're down a whole shoe size!

[Door opens]

Hide. If Ms. Kruchall sees you, she will put me back on poop duty.

I'll hide in the koala cage.

Uh... no, that would be a bad idea.

Relax. Koalas love me.

If Kenny could talk, he'd totally back me up.

[Laughs]

You said "poop duty".

That mud mask was amazing.

That wasn't mud. That was dirt from your pores.

[Gasps]

Look at you, Ms. Kruchall.

Rocking two separate eyebrows.

I know! Smooth.

And I haven't worn a dress in years!

It's draftier than I remember.

Just wait until Dr. Durst sees you at the Manhattan Zoo Gala tonight.

I just don't know if I should go.

Uh, Ravi, is everything running smoothly here?

[Luke screaming]

[Screaming] Absolutely!

Just go to the gala. Now!

Oh, I get it.

I mean, let's get going!

Run! As fast as your bunion-free feet can carry you.

[Koala screeching]

Luke, are you okay?

[Spitting]

They were so cuddly.

I just had to hug them.

Then they attacked.

[Panting]

It was all just one violent, adorable, gray blur.

I think one of them stole my wallet.

[Classical music playing]

Whoa!

You're taking me to the Manhattan Zoo Gala?

Wait, is it or "gay-la" or "gah-la"?

Oh, who cares? I'm a gal at a gay-la-gah-la!

No, Jessie, we're not going in there.

Oh, oh, is there a VIP line?

Gee, dude, I feel like the President!

Okay, now I feel like the President's gardener.

Um, Eddie Earl...

What are we doing here?

Waiting.

For what?

For that. Bingo!

Dinner is served.

Oh, I get it. You don't have any money.

No problem. Let's go get burgers. On me.

No, I have money. I'm just a trash-atarian.

A what-atarian?

A trash-atarian!

We believe too much food gets thrown away so, we reclaim that food before it can go to waste.

Okay. My head says that's admirable, but my stomach says "yuck".

Want a sip?

No, thanks. I'm really trying to cut down on the backwash.

Huh.

Oh.

I can't believe Tony set Jessie up with a dumpster diver!

I know! Isn't it great?

[Laughs]

You knew Tony thought Jessie was his date, and you didn't say anything?

I tried. But then I stopped trying.

[Chuckles]

I'm calling Tony.

Oh, no! Please don't ruin this for me!

There's so little that brings me joy.

What about us kids?

[Both laughing]

Totally kidding!

Luke, what are you doing here again?

Well, first of all, I never got my wallet back.

And secondly, I wanted to see if the hippos are hungry, hungry.

Stop! They will eat you for dinner, dinner.

[Growling]

You know, eating discarded food is unsafe, unhealthy, and about as romantic as a snart.

Oh, you want romance? You got it.

Here, grab the other end. Let's Lady and the Tramp this thing.

Eddie Earl, have you ever heard the expression "you are what you eat"?

Well, you eat trash. Just saying.

Oh. Well, I suppose you'd rather be the person going to a restaurant, eating only half an eclair, and then wastefully throwing the rest away.

"A," is that option back on the table?

And "B," I finish my eclairs.

You know what? This argument is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

You sure it's not all the garbage you shoveled in there?

Tony! How could you set me up with a guy who eats trash?

To be fair, I didn't know Earl did that.

I thought his name was Eddie Earl.

To be even more fair, I didn't know his name.

Wait. [Stutters] You mean... so you barely knew him?

How could you do this to me?

I set you up with a great girl who eats new, purchased food!

If she's so great, then why did Valerie walk out on our date, huh?

You said she got paged to the hospital for an emergency.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

She's a Doctor, you know.

I know! Because I know her!

Guess who found a perfectly good mint sitting on a table?

[Chuckles]

Oh, wait. I think it's actually a button.

What are you, a goat? Ugh!

Could this date get any worse?

[Screaming]

Quick! Into the bins!

[Zuri yelling]

Zuri: Get in.

Jessie: Oh! Soggy Taquitos.

Dibs! [Gorilla growling]

[All screaming]

[Music]

You look great, Ms. Kruchall.

[Gasps] Ooh, here comes Dr. Durst!

Remember do not sniff his hand.

Unless things are going really well.

[Screams]

Well, that could've gone better.

[Growling]

Ravi, what is Roy doing out of his cage?

Whoa!

Uh, at the moment, he is climbing the Empire Skate Building!

How ironic.

[Gasps]

[Screaming]

Roy!

Good boy.

You wanna go back in your cage?

I don't think he recognizes me!

Thanks a lot, Emma, for making me look 10 times more beautiful than I usually do.

Ten times? [Scoffs]

[Roaring]

Thanks a lot, Tony. This is my worst date ever!

And that's saying a lot.

Well, someone can just forget about a second date.

Jessie... see, the thing is, the way you described my date...

Beautiful, smart, red hair, the "perfect girl" for me...

I thought it was you.

Oh, Tony.

You're not over me.

That's so sweet. But I'm not surprised.

You know what they say. "Once you leave Jessie, your heart's all depress-y".

Seriously! Nobody says these things!

I do not see Roy. Maybe he left.

[Growling]

Maybe not!

[All screaming]

Why couldn't you two nitwits have left open the door to the butterfly habitat?

Hey, Roy! Over here!

[Growling]

Ravi, no! If you throw that pie in his face, it'll only make him angrier!

Plus, my date'll make me eat whatever's left!

It is banana cream pie.

I will appeal to his simian palate to lure him into the refuse receptacle.

I can never understand what that kid's saying!

Yum, yum, yum! It is delicious and full of potassium.

[Gasps]

Oh! Ravi, that was amazing.

Is everyone okay?

Where's Earl?

Earl: [Echoing] Hey, gorilla! That's my Taquito!

[Earl screaming]

[Laugh]

Stop! Stop it! That tickles.

Aah! Okay, okay. We'll split the Taquito.

[Ms. Kruchall panting]

Here.

Sit down, sit down. It's okay.

What happened?

Ravi trapped the gorilla inside that bin.

Really?

Yeah.

Ravi, your poop-shoveling days are over.

You mean I'm getting a promotion?

No, I mean you let a gorilla escape. You're fired.

Oh. That is a stone-cold bummer.

Wait a minute!

If it weren't for Ravi's quick thinking, that gorilla would have of killed us all.

And dragged Emma to the top of the Empire Skate Building!

Yeah. It isn't Ravi's fault.

This never would have happened if I didn't want to hang with the hippos.

Long story.

Okay, we'll talk about that later.

Look, this job is incredibly important to Ravi.

Nobody loves animals more than him.

He's in couples therapy with his lizard.

Mrs. Kipling hears, but she does not listen!

Well, we animal lovers should stick together.

And you did save hundreds of lives, even if they were just people.

So you're officially re-hired.

[Gasps]

And I really am taking you off doodie duty.

She said "doodie duty".

I am back in!

Right after you clean up all the piles Roy left in the park.

Bu... uh, to be fair, I feel like some of those were left by people.

It got pretty scary around here.

Oh, hey, Tony. Thanks again for the great date.

Maybe next time you can set me up with Oscar the Grouch.

Please! Like I know celebrities.

Jessie, I'm really sorry about Earl.

You're forgiven. And to prove it, I made you a special dinner.

[Sing song] Hope you're hungry!

Ewe! But this has bite marks!

Yeah. I got the recipe from your best friend, "Eddie Earl". Enjoy!

[Panting]

Oh, Bertram, Tony and I are good now.

You don't have to keep taking the stairs.

I didn't. I just went across the hall to dump the trash.

Ow! Cramp, cramp, cramp! [Grunting]