Alice Quits

Show me yours That's right, the time has come To hunt the red and blue dragons And they on the run This ain't a game, dragon Please don't take the chance I got a lance in my pants I'm a legend like Bagger Vance Please believe the folklore I'ma choke your neck I slay dragons for riches - Oh! - Jeez. - Oh, my bad, dude. - Sorry, Tez. That was a direct hit. That's my fault. I figured your big-ass nose would've deflected it. You would think, but you hit me in the eye, bitch! Oh, we were just trying to roll up on Waymond, really. Dammit, Waymond! Now you must pay. Man, something's jammed in this. - Wait, no, no! - D'oh! - Whoa. - God, you're a stupid mother Yo! That's point blank, man. Are you guys crazy? - Kneecaps only. - No, no! Ow! - Oh! - Oh, that broke skin. Oh, don't slip on this sale, because it is really a heater. - Uh, how are ya? - Give me the guns. Sold. Now! All right, but they're for protection. You know, it's getting dark out there. - I don't care, okay? - I'm gonna take the clip. You are at work in an office. - Act like it. - This is bullcrap. We brought those guns to work fair and square. You're, like, the meanest, most uncaring boss ever. Oh, Blake, I'm so sorry I disappointed you. Get back to work. Jillian, come on. Let's do this video chat. Well, 2012 was great for us. So I know working with Telamericorp again in 2013 is the right move. Well, that is wonderful. That's exactly what we wanted to hear, Bridget. And I gotta say, it is so wonderful working with a fellow animal lover. Right back at ya, Alice. I'll have this contract emailed to you this week. That's great. Beautiful birds by the way. Oh, well, thank you. Yeah, this one right here, African Grey. Wonder of the sky, I always say. I do too! All right, you take care, Bridget. Bye. Ugh, get these goddamn things off of me! All right, okay. Okay. - Jillian! - All right, I know. - Jillian! - I know. - Get it - Got him. Ugh! Earth Pets of West Covina, such a respectable company. Shut up and gimme some skin. - Ow. - Ooh! Ah, I am so good. And you know what? I am so getting that raise and bonus vacay days, girl. Now why don't you take these little shit makers back to the store, okay? What Alice, I hand-picked them. I've told them my secrets. They're my best friends. I think you can handle it. And I want receipts. Hello, nerds. I need you to fill these out. Oh, my gosh. Now we have to fill stuff out? You are the meanest person ever. It'll take ten seconds. Just circle all fives and don't leave any comments. Hang on. This is an evaluation of you? "Very good" is a five, "very bad" is a one. Interesting. And a boss who takes away my work guns is very bad, like a man who touches kids near their buttholes. That's bad. Oh, that smells exactly like one, doesn't it? - What? - Does mine smell like a one? - Oh, yeah, they're all ones. - Does yours smell like a one? How about, if you give me all fives, I'll give you your guns back? - Yes! - Oh, okay. Nice! And a free day to do whatever we want. All fives. - Yes! - Yeah, baby! Guys, guys, guys. And - On top of that - Oh, what's that? Hot bread. No to what he said, but yes to what I said about the work guns and the free day. - I ain't got time to bleed. - Are you bleeding? No, because I ain't got time to bleed. Oh, right. - Thanks, dude! - Nice! Okay, these guys are trapped. - Let's eviscerate these fools. - Yeah, baby. Oh, don't you do not shoot me! Okay, I've got live Office supplies. Live okay. Back off, bitches! End of the line, Tez. Drop it or we drop you. Ha ha! Ah! Nobody move or this boy gets pumped full of plastic. I don't - gee - Oh! Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho! - Oh. - Whoa. That was incredible. You're my hero, that was what the hell was that crash? Oh, my you guys, I gave you the day off. Travis. I was just coming by to Scoop the evaluations and get a look-see at how you do things around here. Now I know. Travis, it was just it was a special occasion. Uh, a deal I made to boost office morale. Oh? And what was the deal? We just had to give her fives. High Fives. High fives, Travis, because there is nothing that boosts my morale more than getting some skin. Up high! You're not getting that raise. No, Travis, I already booked my package to Playa Del Carmen. Travis, I earned this raise and I deserve this vacation. Then why don't you take the rest of the week off? Think things over. And hopefully you'll come back sharing my perspective on the situation. And why don't you take the rest of your life to figure out what an asshole you are? Good luck, everyone. Have fun wasting your lives here. - Don't cause a scene, Alice. - Oh, fuck off, Travis! And eat a dick. I quit! Jillian, I want you to pack all my things and bring it to my car. Oh, would you like me to do that? Would you like that? Well, guess what, baby. You're outta here! I think you can handle it And I want receipts. Jillian, please, just help her. You got it, Travis. Dang, Alice went out like a "g. " End of an era. Hate to see her go, but I love to stare at her butt as she goes leaving. Way too skinny for me. - You think? - Mm, truly. - Oh, tits quota, right. - It's a tits quota. That's right. That's good. What's going on here? I thought I'd open things up around here. By the way, you are 32 minutes late, which means you will start getting paid - at the top of the next hour. - Are we? - Yes. - Wait, what? You're not the boss of us. Oh, I am Till I find Alice's replacement. In the meantime, I'll be making some changes around here. And I'm not just talking about the lush greenery. Some efficiency adjustments. Some new rules, new seats. You boys are no longer cube mates. Jillian! Pardonne-moi. What are you doing? - Oh, my gosh, no. - I told you to move the wall. - Move the wall! - Not not him. Oh, Jet Set. All right, Jesse! Appreciate you rinsing your hair out. It was just a sanitary matter. It was a silly hairdo anyway. Now you won't be ruining those headsets with your hair jelly. Jillian Tell the fellas where they'll be working. Follow me. Adam, park it. Blake Over there. Anders, follow the leader. Yellow? Yo, bro. You can't see me, but I'm flicking Montez off right now. - No, I can see him. - Oh, you can see me. I'm, like, just literally ten feet away. Eww! Your hands are so hairy, bro. You're disgusting, you're a disgusting human. I hate you. Anyway, what's going on with you, Ders? Mm, not much, man. I'm just living my sucky life. - Just hating it. - Yeah, I get that. My sales are up though. Record high today for sales. Me too! That's bizarre! - We're like the same person. - Yeah. I have I have pissed in, like, this dude's plants, like, three times though. Oh, man, I miss you. Hey, hang on. Blazarium. Hey. It's Blake from the, uh, old cubicle. Um, I just made a sale. And if I don't smoke something soon, I'm gonna put my face in the paper shredder. So please can we meet up in the hotel lobby? That's what we're calling the storage closet, right? - Yes. - Okay. - You's about to get zippo'd! - Oh, man! - Look what I brought. - I missed you! I know, I've honestly missed you a lot too. Is it it's been too long, dude. - It has. - Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. I took a pee in one of those bushes - just like you did. - Nice! Get in here! I missed you too. Honestly I have. - I'm trying to be you. - I didn't think I would. - But I did. - Let's smoke about it. Yeah, we're gonna smoke about it. I don't know what you were planning on doing in here, but I'm betting it didn't involve making sales calls. Uh it depends on what you mean by "sales calls. " - We could try. - Let's hit the phones! Hmm? And stop flipping me off. How does he see that? That was incredible. - Gosh. - That's an amazing skill set. I hate this dude, man. I guess I'll just see you guys in there, all right? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay? We're the bash bros! Let's bash this fool, catch him slipping. We do need to catch him slipping, but he doesn't slip. It's like he's wearing shoes for crews, man. Guys, I got an idea. Look, I got this app on my phone where you can record people's voices and then edit it around so they say things that they didn't even say. - Can that work? - Whoa. - You tell me. - Welcome to the future. My favorite meal is butt salad with extra butt. - Eww! - What? Whoa, extra butt. - No, I don't like butt salad. - Ew, you nasty, boy. Apparently you do. My favorite salad is Asian salad. - Asian salad is good. - Mm-hmm. - Butt-dorf. - Butt salad? You don't know what it tastes like. - Could be delicious. - It's right there. - Yeah. - Which is crazy. That is crazy, how close it is. Butt salad and Asian salad? No, butt salad and vagina salad. Oh, I'll mess with that. Yeah, I'll mess with some of that salad. Cool? Wait, why do you have that? Well, it's for, like, a future situation in case I need to blackmail you guys. I love future situations. Those are, like, my favorite. Out of all sitches, those are my favorite. - Play mine. - Sure. In middle school, I tricked this homeless dude I bought weed from into walking into traffic, and when he got hit by a cement truck I just took off on my bike. - Oh, my God! - That sounded real. Oh, my God. How did you make me say that? Oh, no, that one was just a drunk voicemail that you left me a while back, yeah. - Very impressive. - Thank you. - Very cool, very cool. - Thank you, thank you. Also could we delete that? 'cause I could go to prison for something like that. All right. You got this, Ders. - Okay, once again - Stop. The sentence we agreed on was "I will force her to the ground - and bury my dick in her. " - Got it. Say all that and we'll have his balls By the balls, I guess. We'll have his balls by the balls. That's the best way, all wrapped up. Come on in! Travis. Man, how are you? Um, look, I was just in here to ask you about some sales techniques, because, you know, real recognize real. So I'm gonna ask you how you prefer to call. 'cause I'm more of a smooth operator. Um, but I was wondering if you believed in using brute, um, - uh, like brute - Force? Force! Yes! Perfect. And, uh, also there was a name that I was seeing on the list. And I couldn't figure out how to pronounce it. So I'll just write it here. You know. Barry McCockiner. Yes! That's Gotta be how you pronounce it, thank you. I can't believe we went with that cliche. Barry McCockiner? That's weak, dude. I know, I know. And I just thought of a good one. Like, just now. I've been thinking of great ones ever since he went in there. Yeah, but it's too late now, right? I did that earlier. It's something-town Julie brown. And I know it's not uptown, 'cause I would remember that. It's like Uh Down. Thanks for the help. Okay, psst. Ders. - Ders, if you can hear me - Appreciate it. - Forget Barry McCockiner, Ders. - I'm gonna go. - Wait. - We're going with Yerpa. - First name Yerpa. - Shh! C. Stinks. Yerpa C. Stinks. - You get it? - Yeah, yeah. Or try Ivana Jizinu. Uh, it's a Russian-Japanese girl, if he asks. - Ivana Jizinu. - Ivana. Hit him with the Ivana first. Yeah, we just felt like Barry McCockiner has been, like, played out a little bit. Like, I felt like I've seen it places. - Ders? - Gentlemen! Please join us in my office. Sorry. Yes. I am gonna take my boss hat off for a second, because at the end of the day We're all just men, right? - Ha. Yeah, don't - Yeah. Don't let the hair fool ya. 'cause of your longer yes. So let's try and act like men. Quit sneaking around my office, playing little games. That's not what men do. And I know Because I am a real man. - Yeah. - Yes. Do you see what I mean? Not even that big, right? - Very average-size. - Surprisingly. - 'cause you're tall. - Yeah, 'cause you're a big man. You'd think it'd be but at least I'm putting it out there. - Mm-hmm. - Yes, you are. - Yeah. - Yeah, you are. Now Are you guys real men? - Yeah. - Are you? - Yeah. - Totally, yeah. Then whip it out. Get your dick outta your pants now! Are you men or not? Show it! - No. - That's what I figured. Now Let's finish the day strong, okay? Make some sales, hmm? All right. Yeah. - Yes. - Okay, good. - Get back to work. - Get back to work. What do you think you're doing? My hair. Well, you better rinse it out before Travis sees it! What's happening here? This is not the Telamericorp that I used to know. I look around, I recognize nothing! Where's all the smiles, the giggling? Can somebody tell me where the giggling at, huh? Jesse! If you wanna talk, step into my office. Travis, before you got here, we was all friends. Work was fun. We used to love to walk through that door. But now, since you been here, this place is sorry! Jesse! Calm down. Jet! My name is Jet motherfucking Set! But you can call me Patrick Swayze. 'cause guess what? I'm ghost. Now gimme my goddamn cactus. Have a good day. See y'all later, Montez, Waymond, all y'all. Ders, Adams, Blake. Jillian. Okay, that happened. Now back to work! Okay. That happened. Now back to work! Show's over. Back to work! Jillian still has those birds. She thinks she's above the law. Well, she just got marked for death. I'm gonna throw that cage off the roof. No, no, no, no, no. I got a better idea. Maybe we should rattle Travis' cage. Ah! Geez! Ah! Hyah! No! Fiona Apple! - Marty McFly! - Ha! - Jimmy Kimmel! - Ha! Ha! Oh! Jimmy Fallon! The Jimmies! No. Can I please speak with a Ms. Janet Paulson? I'll speak with anyone in the house. Jillian, I don't know what you want, all right? We didn't do anything. It wasn't us. I need to apologize to you guys. I done fricked up, okay? I turned my back on you, and I let Travis take advantage of my innocence. But then he went and killed my baby birds. What? Those were babies? No, eggs are baby birds. No, eggs are baby chickens. Everyone's wrong. Guys, he's been recording your every move. Okay, there's cameras in the plants. And he put me in charge of surveillance. I'm so, so, so I'm so, so, so, so sorry. Whoa! She's not kidding. There's a tiny camera in here. - Oh, my God. - Feel like a tattle rat. Oh, my gosh. If Earth Pets saw footage of that dude duck hunting those birds out there, they would be pissed! We need your help and Jet Set's hair cream. Coming in, Trav. We're here to tell you you're about to get a video chat call from the people at Earth Pets. Yeah, I guess they got some surveillance video of a certain executive shooting birds. Hmm, that'd be crazy. And I wouldn't say they didn't like it Because they didn't not like it. 'cause they loved hating it and not liking it at all. Wha Oh, you might wanna answer that. "Oh, no, I'm fired. " Travis Rockne of T. A. C. here. Hi, Travis. Bridget McCarthy of Earth Pets. Hello, Bridget. I was told you've taken over for Alice Murphy. Temporarily. Alice has moved on to greener pastures and I'm In the process of looking At for her, uh, replacement. Well, I hate to tell you this, but we don't wanna work with a replacement. And we surely don't wanna work with you either. Bridget, you know how we value your your business. Okay, well, get Alice Murphy back or you won't have our business, bird killer! Bird killer! You see our dicks, right? Mine's getting cold, so I'm gonna put it away. - Yeah, it's a little cold. - You keep it cold in here. Very chilly! So they're not as big as they should be. - Very chilly. - But they were out. Let it be known they're out, we're men. - So - Okay. That's right, bitches. I'm back. What is that piss smell in here? - Jillian. - Hi! Good to see you. - You look great. - Shut up. - I'd love to. - Couple of things. I need you to confirm my flight to Playa Del Carmen. And I need you to find those little birds. I gotta do a video chat with Earth Pets in a second. Oh, uh, well, Alice actually, we kind of still have them. We're just glad to have you back, Alice. Well, uh, Bridget, - I just can't wait - Ba-caw! To be getting back, and I promise I'll contact you next week, okay, gal pal? - Ba-caw! - See you later. Bye! - Okay. - Ba-caw! Okay, okay, okay. We're done. - Yeah. - She's gone. Cool. Hey, Alice, uh, the lady on your computer, - she's not wrong. - That's really nice. Now why don't you get these goddamn dead birds off of me - Sure. - And get back to work? - Sorry. - How about that? I'm gonna keep this one. - It was fun. - Oh, hey. Can we get our airsoft guns back? Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. No problem. Thank you. Whoa! Whoa! Yeah! God, I wish this was real.