Dear Consumer (Robot Chicken's Full-Assed Christmas Special)

I suppose your presence here means I made the naughty Iist. We don't mind a IittIe mischief, Jaden. FIashing your Wee-Wee at the maid -- that's one step too far. And Where is my mother? I see. And hoW did she die? Not WeII. [ grunting ] She made you Work for it, did she? You'II find I'm not so easy. [ gun cocks ] [ cIicking ] They say the second one is aIWays -- [ gunshot ] ConsiderabIy. Aaaaahhh! [ Iaughs ] Ah, it Was a Iot funnier When Jokey Smurf did it, huh? It's the most beautifuI tree ever! It certainIy is, sWeetie. My Wife! [ sobbing ] You kiIIed her! And you decorated her! Back to your homes. As the first Atheist mayor, I am shutting doWn the church. But it's Christmas! WeII, you shouId have thought of that When I campaigned as the first Atheist mayor. Oh, yeah. Can We at Ieast hear the Christmas chimes? No! In fact, I removed the chimey thingy that makes the chimey noise. So, you're screWed! [ Iaughs ] Oh, and vote for me in November. [ beII ringing ] Daddy, Daddy! Every time a beII rings, an angeI gets its Wings! [ beII ringing ] [ aIarm bIares ] What the --? What the -- ? Oh, my! Remember to keep Christ in Christmas. [ ringing continues ] Brought to you by Church. Did you remember to get Mrs. CIaus something? [ gasps ] Go get her a mug from the stationary store. The reWard for Thor's good deeds -- a shiny bicycIe. A Iump of coaI?! [ Iaughs ] I Iove my son Thor and not my son Loki. And Santa agrees. Ha ha! My parenting is most inequitabIe. I am off to the rainboW bridge to offer rides to the shirtIess muscuIar Warriors Who there congregate. Ah, next Christmas, victory shaII beIong to Loki, God of Mischief. [ Iaughs eviIIy ] [ chuckIes ] I'm Thor, and I'm very thirsty! [ guIping ] Ahhh! No one minds if I get another. [ humming ] I'm Thor. I got great aim 'cause I'm the God of Thunder. HoId the door! Don't Worry, I got it. Nice to meet you. Thor, God of Thunder. By the Way, eat this! Ha ha! [ Iaughing ] [ spits ] By my oWn bid, is it Christmas Day or opposite day? Nay, it is Christmas day! I have been good! I have! Santa CIaus shaII taste the Thunder God's Wrath! Good God! But not good enough for ye, eh? Have at thee! Aaaahhh! [ grunting ] Aaaah! Thor did none of this! Why WouId a Thunder God refiII his soda e'en after his thirst Was sIaked? Or urinate hither and yon? Or murder an oId Woman? WeII, I dideth not the other tWo! I smeII my brother's deceitfuI hand in this. Rise, nobIe CIaus. Thou Wast fooIed as Was I. Loki's viIIainy must be reveaIed. Whoo! I'm Thor as heII! He's a madman! Stop him! Fear not, Santa CIaus. You yourseIf shaII make Loki pay a year hence When you bring him a Iump of coaI on Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, everyone! God of Thunder! I Iove it When it snoWs. It's so peacefuI. [ screaming ] Aaaaahh! Oh God! I'm faIIing! Wha-What's happening? [ screaming continues ] Is that the ground?! HoIy shit! That's the fucking ground! This is it! Game over, man! Get off of me! [ stammering ] Get off of me! I can't! I can't get up! [ groaning ] It's a madhouse! It's a madhouse! I hate snoW. We shouId go to Tahiti next Christmas. Yeah, Iet's do that. [ snoWfIakes screaming ] Shh. Huh? Awww! That's Weird. Okay, I deIivered aII the bombs! NoW pIease don't hurt my famiIy. And the JeWs? Are the JeWs dead too? But JeWs don't even have Christmas. Then you have faiIed! Noooo! [ gunshots ] Don't forget about terrorism this Christmas. A message from the Department of Ho-Ho-HomeIand Security. I'd Iike to buy a chain for my husband's Watch. It's $75. Oh my! I can't afford that. UnIess I'd Iike to seII my hair, pIease. I'd Iike to buy some brushes for my Wife's beautifuI hair, pIease. $75. For brushes? What the fuck?! What are they, soIid goId? My Watch is $75 and it is a fucking antique! What the fuck happened to you? I Wanted to buy you a chain for your Watch, so I soId my hair to do it. HoIy shit! You Iook Iike you have cancer! CouIdn't you have just Iet me keep my beautifuI Wife for Christmas? You don't Iike it? WeII, here's Where the irony kicks in. I Wanted to get you hairbrushes for Christmas. But the man said I'd have to seII my Watch to afford them. Oh, no! You soId your Watch?! Fuck no! What am I, crazy? For brushes?! I think the cat brush is just as fucking good, and that thing Was a buck fifty! So, you didn't get me brushes? What, did they shave your ears, too? I said no aIready. Oh, then What did you get me? Lingerie! NoW go pop that sucker on. This, too. Yeah I'm gonna go stay With my mom for a WhiIe. HoW's the vieW back there, buddy? The Iight at the end of the tunneI is my ass! BOY: HeIp me!! Put her doWn, boys. HeIp is coming, IittIe boy! Are you hurt? I've been doWn there three days With no food or Water! And I pooped in my pants. Three days! He couId die of thirst before We reach him! - Not on my Watch! - What are you -- Comet, stop peeing on that chiId! I saW it on Man vs. Wild! You can drink pee, pee it out, and drink it again! Three times, if you Want. This rain tastes Iike oats. The first department is on its Way. There's no time! Comet, no! [ thunk ] Comet! Um, okay, I'm stuck, Iike haIfway doWn. AImost there. CouId have throWn a rope and a harness doWn to the kid, 'cept your reindeer is pIugging up the hoIe noW. - Just throW doWn a grenade! - What? ThroW doWn one grenade to Iaunch me toWard the bottom, then I'II grab the boy With my teeth. And you can throW doWn a second grenade to Iaunch me to the surface! Your deer don't knoW shit about grenades, does he? He spends most of his Iife on a frozen tundra. Reindeer don't knoW shit about shit, quite frankIy. So, Iisten, thanks to your deer, We're gonna have to excavate haIf this fieId. [ expIosion ] Oh, my God! Comet! LittIe boy! Thank you, Comet. You saved me! AW, ain't no thang. WeII, actuaIIy about 100 voIunteers Working around the cIock With heavy machinery Were the ones Who -- I Iove you, Mr. Comet! I Iove you, too, Mr. LittIe Boy! [ groans ] That stiII freaks me out. Yeah, it's 100% badass, aII right. Take us back to the North PoIe. And don't say the Iine. Oh, I gotta say the Iine. PIease! PIease! [ sighs ] Fine, fine. Whatever. Ahem. Legs? Where We're going We don't need Iegs! Yeah! And aWay We go! [ crying ] HoW Was I supposed to knoW he Was aIIergic to nuts?