The Cycle

Public Shaming

 * All right, Richard. I'm gonna need you to move her every hour to keep her in the shade, okay?
 * Sure thing, Harry. Uh, Harold?
 * Hm?
 * Mr. Wilson.
 * Oh, by the way, you must've heard about my birthday party, I guess.
 * Oh, sure. Uh, where is it?
 * Yeah, I've uh, booked a table at that new Mexican restaurant. It starts at seven, got it?
 * Yeah!
 * Great! Then make sure you don't turn up by mistake.
 * Sure.
 * You buying new pants for your wife?
 * What?
 * Well, she's the one wearing them in your relationship, right?
 * Mm-mm-mnh. Try these on. I think they're more you.
 * Dad, is it me, or is this guy kinda being a total thunder jerk to you?
 * Oh. H-He's not that bad.
 * Then why did he steal your pants?
 * Do do do. Can Richard Watterson please come to collect his dignity from the front desk?
 * I'm sorry. That's not just friendly teasing. Ow! He's being really mean to you.
 * No, he's not.
 * What? I just didn't want to have a visible panty line.
 * N-Not that! You need to tell Mom about this.
 * I can't. Your mom sees me as an average looking underachieving slob. It would break her heart to think it was all too good to be true.
 * Dad, you need to deal with this like an adult.
 * I am dealing with it like an adult. I'm pretending nothing's wrong until I get a chance to cry about it when I'm alone.
 * She means you need to put an end to the situation, and deal with it in a mature way.
 * How?
 * Well... you're old enough to purchase a chainsaw.
 * What?! What exactly do you think being mature means?
 * I dunno, "R" rated?
 * Well, what do you suggest?
 * Legal advice.
 * How?
 * Well... you're old enough to purchase a chainsaw.
 * What?! What exactly do you think being mature means?
 * I dunno, "R" rated?
 * Well, what do you suggest?
 * Legal advice.
 * Legal advice.

Buying Justice

 * Well, Mr. Watterson, I've reviewed the evidence thoroughly, and I'm pleased to say that we ca--
 * Hm?
 * Can place a restraining order on Harold Wilson, effective immediately. All you need to do is--
 * ...follow the legal precedent in the case of--
 * Can you just talk faster please?
 * ...the case of "The state versus Antonio Chavez, article thirteen, section one, amendment nineteen, subsection four, paragraph eleven, verse two, stanza six, sentence nine, pertaining to the victims--
 * I'm out. You guys got any money?
 * ...ongoing trauma due to workplace stress, which had left her life in an awful mess. She built up evidence, and from that moment hence, she was given legal--
 * What was that about?
 * Sorry. That was Daisyland money.
 * Right, I don't think we can afford your services.
 * I completely understand. Please, let me show you ou--
 * Aw come on! Doesn't anything happen for free in here?
 * Huh?
 * That was as easy as taking candy from a b... uh, ba... What was the expression again? Oh yes, a brainless man-child.
 * You know, I think there's a lesson in all this.
 * People riding those things are all butt-hats?
 * Okay, I guess there are two lessons in all this. And the second one is, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
 * But Dad doesn't have it in him to be bad.
 * What are you talking about? I'm all about the thug life.
 * You carry "get well soon" balloons in your trunk so you can tie them to roadkill.
 * You guys want to see how real I can get? Well break out the aloe vera, 'cause you about to get burned! Hey Gumball, you blue faced potato on a stick! How glad are you to not have inherited your father's metabolism and be allowed to eat whatever you want without feeling a thick sack of shame? Bam! You just got "P"-double-youn'd! How about you, Darwin, you mutant weirdo? How does it feel to have evolved beyond anything your species could ever have dreamed of, you disgustingly adorable pride and joy of my life? Whoop-yeah! Bring me the tartar sauce, that fish just got cooked!
 * I think you're missing the point.
 * "I think you're missing the point, Dad. I think you shouldn't lick that electrical outlet, Dad. I think you should remember your appointment at the cardiologist, Dad." How does it feel to be better than everybody else, Anais? I mean this because I genuinely think you are! Boom!
 * I'm so sorry for hurting your feelings with my mean-spirited jokes. Please forgive me!
 * I think he needs professional help.
 * You guys want to see how real I can get? Well break out the aloe vera, 'cause you about to get burned! Hey Gumball, you blue faced potato on a stick! How glad are you to not have inherited your father's metabolism and be allowed to eat whatever you want without feeling a thick sack of shame? Bam! You just got "P"-double-youn'd! How about you, Darwin, you mutant weirdo? How does it feel to have evolved beyond anything your species could ever have dreamed of, you disgustingly adorable pride and joy of my life? Whoop-yeah! Bring me the tartar sauce, that fish just got cooked!
 * I think you're missing the point.
 * "I think you're missing the point, Dad. I think you shouldn't lick that electrical outlet, Dad. I think you should remember your appointment at the cardiologist, Dad." How does it feel to be better than everybody else, Anais? I mean this because I genuinely think you are! Boom!
 * I'm so sorry for hurting your feelings with my mean-spirited jokes. Please forgive me!
 * I think he needs professional help.
 * I think he needs professional help.

Prom-atic Experience

 * Well Doctor, I think this cycle of shame started the day I was elected prom king.
 * Hmm. "Dear Richard, you have been elected prom king. Make sure to attend the ceremony tomorrow night. Please keep this a secret from your fellow students." This must be a joke. No, wait. It's signed by Principal Brown!
 * I spent the whole of the next day trying to look my best. Gravity will help me fit inside the pants.  But my face is still too fat.
 * You should try contouring.
 * What's that?
 * It's kind of like lying, but with your face.
 * What about my suit?
 * Don't worry sweetie, we'll figure something out.
 * And a cape?
 * Eh... and a cape.
 * It was the happiest moment of my life. I never felt so beautiful. I could feel everyone looking at me in admiration.
 * It's now the moment you've all been waiting for. Time to announce this year's prom king!
 * Yes, I'm here!
 * Thank you! Yes, it's me! Yes! Ha-ha! Thank you! Thank you! This moment is much bigger than me.
 * Uh, hardly.
 * I just want to say to all the losers out there, there's gonna be people along the way who will try to take things away from you, but don't let them, because--
 * Watterson, we're gonna have to take the crown away from you.
 * But I'm the king! It says so right here in this letter. It's got your signature!
 * Did you take a good look at this letter? It is literally signed, "Pwincipul Bron."
 * But... who would do this?
 * From that moment on, he kept making fun of me at every opportunity. It caused me quite a few stress problems.
 * Tell me more.
 * Well, for a long time I thought every food came with Parmesan, until I realized it was dandruff. Also, I get such bad acid reflux that my tongue's hanging on by a thread. And I've been losing my hair, so I'm forced to dab the patches with pink paint. Oh, and gas. I'm so gassy--
 * Okay, how long is it going to take you to realize?
 * Realize what?
 * That Harold Wilson is the therapist.
 * What?! That's Harold?!
 * Yes! It was me all along, sucker!
 * Told you we should have gone with the "R" rated option.
 * Yeah, we should try something else.
 * So we just run him over, then!
 * No! I meant we were wrong to try dealing with this like adults. That guy is so mean. We need to help Dad put a stop to this.
 * Okay. So what's even better than being prom king?
 * Having enough self-respect to not believe in vacuous popularity contests?
 * Hm, another good point. But I mean, what does every adult dream of? Dad?
 * Mm, can't say that. Can't say that. Two of those at the same time. Can't say that, either... Money?
 * Perfect!
 * Told you we should have gone with the "R" rated option.
 * Yeah, we should try something else.
 * So we just run him over, then!
 * No! I meant we were wrong to try dealing with this like adults. That guy is so mean. We need to help Dad put a stop to this.
 * Okay. So what's even better than being prom king?
 * Having enough self-respect to not believe in vacuous popularity contests?
 * Hm, another good point. But I mean, what does every adult dream of? Dad?
 * Mm, can't say that. Can't say that. Two of those at the same time. Can't say that, either... Money?
 * Perfect!

Money Trouble

 * Dad, that's still zero dollars.
 * Oh, of course.
 * You need to put something in front of it.
 * I meant put a one in front of the zeroes!
 * It's not my fault if Gumball's plan is too complicated.
 * What's so complicated?! Harold finds a signed blank check for a billion dollars, thinks he's rich, we jump out and tell him it was fake. We laugh, he cries. We laugh some more. The end.
 * Ah! Here he comes! Hide!
 * A check for a billion dollars! And all I have to do is add my name? Ker-ching!
 * Hey, you! You're my butler now. Take this cash and throw it on the floor wherever I walk.
 * Oh, yes, I don't mind.
 * Wait, this doesn't feel decadent enough.
 * Mm, still not enough.
 * That's more like it.
 * ,, , and : Wait! He's gone!
 * Well good. He's gonna spend all kinds of money he doesn't have and ruin his life.
 * We have to stop him!
 * What?! Why?
 * Because unfortunately, it's the mature thing to do.
 * Oh. Uh, e-excuse me, sir. I-I hope I'm not interrupting. I don't want to burn any bridges with such a good employer. I obviously hope that we can remain on friendly terms--  but I'm afraid I found a better position as a billionaire player, so I hand you my resignation.  There you go. And here's a token of my gratitude for all these years of service.  Oh, one last thing.
 * Does it come gold-plated? Just put it on my credit card, I gotta go.
 * Aren't you worried about maxing it out?
 * I'll cash the check in later!
 * Jackie, meet Jazelle. Jazelle, this is my first wife Jackie. Jackie, I'm afraid I will no longer be requiring your services as a life partner. You should leave now, I'm destroying this house to replace it with a seventy-foot-tall statue of myself.
 * The dynamite is in place, sir.
 * Stop! Mr. Wilson, you need to--
 * Wait, son. I think it is time for your father to speak for himself. Harold, you and I have never been friends, but there's something you need to know.
 * Oh, wait. First you have to see that.
 * Sorry we couldn't fit all of you in there. There wasn't enough space on the canvas.
 * Harold, I need to talk to you in private.
 * What? Oh, I-I see. Uh, sorry, Richard. I... I apologize for thinking you were a buffoon all these years. You've really... Well, you've taught me something very important today, and I'll make sure not to make the same mistake again. Thank you.
 * Goodbye, Harold. See, kids? That's how adults deal with their problems.
 * I'm impressed, Dad.
 * But what did you say to him?
 * I told him if he stacks his dynamite closer together, he'll get a more intensive blast.
 * The dynamite is in place, sir.
 * Stop! Mr. Wilson, you need to--
 * Wait, son. I think it is time for your father to speak for himself. Harold, you and I have never been friends, but there's something you need to know.
 * Oh, wait. First you have to see that.
 * Sorry we couldn't fit all of you in there. There wasn't enough space on the canvas.
 * Harold, I need to talk to you in private.
 * What? Oh, I-I see. Uh, sorry, Richard. I... I apologize for thinking you were a buffoon all these years. You've really... Well, you've taught me something very important today, and I'll make sure not to make the same mistake again. Thank you.
 * Goodbye, Harold. See, kids? That's how adults deal with their problems.
 * I'm impressed, Dad.
 * But what did you say to him?
 * I told him if he stacks his dynamite closer together, he'll get a more intensive blast.
 * I'm impressed, Dad.
 * But what did you say to him?
 * I told him if he stacks his dynamite closer together, he'll get a more intensive blast.