The Missing Kink

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Yeah! Right! Okay! How good are we at that? Stan, don't you ever, well, get bored? Of rolling this back up? Yeah, I mean, it's tedious, but we didn't spend $8,000 on this thing not to use it. What? No, I'm talking about the way we have sex. I mean, it's the missionary position every time. Yes, the way God wants it. Fun fact: The Church sent missionaries to America to teach the Indians the proper way to have sex. In turn, they taught us the proper way to sit when you're in second grade. But what if we're missing out on something we might like even better? I could bring in some whipped cream. Or some jelly. Jelly? Do I look like toast to you, Francine? Do I inexplicably taste better when I'm cut at an angle? Did I take a backseat to the bagel in the mid-'90s only to regain All right, Stan. I'm just asking you to open your mind to something new. Here's something new: How about I don't pretend to be asleep when I fart on your leg? Oh uh-oh. Well, these eggs are uninspired. Hey, Dad, pass the salt. Clearly can't reach that. I'm taking the leaf out of the table. Don't take out the leaf, son. You're scratching the floors, son. It's not a one-man job, son. Coming to you, Dad. You better not, son. Ah, damn it, my only blue suit. I told you not to mess with the table. Now, go to your room. I do not approve of your methods! Stan, must you spank him? What? It's not a big deal. I don't even hit him that hard. Look, I'll show you. Oh, my. What do you mean, "Oh, my"? It's supposed to hurt. No, no, it does. It does. But show me again how you do it. What? I just swat his fanny like this. That can't be how hard you spank him. Yeah, it is. It's exactly how hard I do it. Just like this. Oh, come on. No way. Oh, I don't believe you. Next on Fox, another singing contest. Hi, Hayley. Oh, why the tears? I've been on 12 dates since Jeff left, and every one's been a disaster. I am giving up on men. Steve, oh this could be my big chance. Snot, you've asked her out 1,000 times and she's never once said yes. You heard her. She said she's done with men. You know who that leaves. Hankie? Thanks. Hayley, would you, the most beautiful woman in the world, care to grab a slice of pizza with me tomorrow night? Sure, Snot. Whatever. How do you like me now? I did it! Buddy, your pits. Yo. Oh, thanks Roger. I needed this. Great beer, by the way. What is it? It's this new Imperial IPA we just got on tap. Tremendous flavor profile. Pine, citrus. Hints of creamy lemon offset by a layer of sweet malt. It's not perfect, but it's a good first effort from an emerging brewery. Wow. I'll take another. So, how do I tell Stan that spanking turns me on? You can't tell Stan. He's a prude, dude. I know. God, he's so repressed. I just wish I could get him to try something new during sex. Well, there are ways to get people to do what you want without their knowing it. Are you suggesting I trick him? Sure, it's easy. I once got him to drink my pee by telling him it was a fancy beer. What an idiot. Score? Ten-nine. Game point. Yes. What the hell was that, Steve? What? You didn't check the ball, dick. Game point, and you pull that crap? What's going on out here? It was game point, and he didn't check the ball! You didn't check it up? Bush league move, bro! But, Mom, I Game point, and you don't check the ball? Okay, I'm sorry. Stan! What's up, hon? Steve, tell your father what you did. I- I-I-I didn't check it up. What? How many times That's it! Steve, you disgraced the hoop. Now, take Klaus and go to your room. Aah, my ankle! Stan, from now on, I'll be taking all of Steve's spankings on his behalf. What? Why? Because his mistakes are a reflection on my parenting. When Steve fails, I fail. I don't know if that sounds And he kept calling fouls like a bitch. Oh, well I am going to punish you on his behalf for that. Francine? What are you Have you been setting Steve up this whole time? Yes. I'm very bad. You should spank me. Why would you do that to him? Spank me, and I'll tell you. Wait, you like being spanked? So much. Maybe we should just try it out upstairs. Listen here, Francine, this deviant behavior has no place in our bedroom. But, Stan You made this hand filthy. The hand I wipe with. And what's worse is you tricked me into being a part of your sinful behavior. What are you talking about? It's not sinful. Let's see what my favorite author, God, has to say about that. Thou who tricketh thine husband into sexy spanking shall be banished to the depths of hell. That's not in the Bible. Let me see that. Uh, uh Where are we? I'm banishing you to these woods. When you've purged your sick desire to be spanked, you can come home. What? You can't just leave me here. You've left me no choice. Hyah! Francine's been out here for two days. I'm sure, by now, she's ready to repent for her nasty spanking fetish. So, Francine, are you ready to admit you're a sex pervert so you can come back home and pick up my ties off the closet floor? Sorry, Stan. The problem isn't me; it's you. You're repressed. And until you open your mind, I'm not coming home. Besides, I'm doing fine out here. Hmm, not seeing any sage. Really? You're telling me the forest is out of sage? You're using again, aren't you? You piece of garbage. Okay, well, when you come to your senses, you know where to find me. She's right. You are a piece of garbage. Turns out it was another Hayley Smith and I had gotten her headband order. What are the chances? I got to be honest with you, Snot. I wasn't really looking forward to this night, but I had a blast. Well, call the bomb squad, 'cause with the blast I had, that makes two blasts. You know, just when I thought there were no good guys left in the world, here you were, right in front of me the entire time. I'll call you tomorrow, handsome. Oh, my God. It's really happening, Snot. Yeah, I'm not really into it. What? But you've been obsessed with her for years. Thanks for the history lesson. Oh, my God. Now that she wants you, you don't want her. What do you know? I guess I'm just more interested in the hunt. I'm like a lion who brings down a zebra, and then loses interest and realizes he has to go home and take a huge deuce. Talk to you later. Hey, bud, can I get you anything? Yeah, can I see a bar menu? Francine's been gone three days, and I've eaten everything in the house. Hmm, kitchen just closed. You know what, it won't be much, but I can whip you up a little something. I think we have a few duck sliders left over that I could pair with I don't know like, a roasted beet salad. I know we just got some hazelnuts in. Maybe we could toast those with some caraway seeds, toss it all with a citrus vinaigrette? Yeah, sure. Thank you. You don't really eat it. You just pretend. Go like this. Oh, Roger. Why can't she just admit she's a deviant so she can come home? Deviant? Yeah, she wants me to spank her in bed it's sick. Stan, everyone has something a little different that they like. Something a little naughty. A little kinky. Not me. Oh, honey, everyone has a kink. You just need to find yours. You're buttoned up and prude Not an ounce of you is crude And your tendencies in bed leave women snoring But if you look deep down inside And put aside your foolish pride There are fantasies and holes that need exploring Close your eyes and picture Francine as a French maid Instead of wearing that same dress that's sort of pink Sure, you'd rather be on top And give three quick and stop But I know deep down inside you've got a kink You've got a kink Don't be afraid to put a finger in the stink Though I know you might be shy Let me show you things to try 'Cause like everyone you know, You've got a kink Imagine yourself living without limits You've got whips and chains Who needs a shrink? 'Cause if you watch me with the ladies What we do won't cause no babies Take a tip from me and go and find your kink You've got a kink He's got a kink You've got a kink He's got a kink There's so much here to see, try not to blink So if you dig on women's feet Don't be afraid, turn up that heat 'Cause like everybody else, you've got a kink Are you getting it yet? I think I am. I love sleeping with Francine And I'm used to my routine But you think it may be time to make a change So I'll try out something new Like when Carradine turned blue Who am I to think my wife is sick and strange? I've got a kink He's got a kink Remember what I said about the stink So if you like us old Or fat Or furry You won't be judged, we're not a jury 'Cause way down deep inside We've all got kinks We've got a kink, we've got a kink We've got a kink Yes, way down deep inside I've got a kink. I've got to bring Francine home and let her know I've found my kink. I'm proud of you, Stan. So, which kink is it? All of them. Uh-oh. Oh, you're going to brown up real nice. Stan? Did you just spank me? Francine, I understand you now. Sometimes it takes a lavish song-and-dance number to make a man realize he was wrong. Oh, Stan. Are you sure? Yes, but it turns out there's some stuff I'd like you to do to me. Anything. What is it? It's pretty ambitious, so we'll need to gather some supplies. Great. We can cross this off the list. Ugh, your sister is calling me so much. I've had to change the nine-volt on my phone three times. I'm looking to upgrade. Well, you can't blow her off. Snot, she's in a really bad place. I mean bad. Like Los Angeles International Airport bad. Hey, LAX. You've just been Dadded. Nobody's safe. Sorry, man. I'm just not into her. Look, if you have to dump my sister, just promise me you'll do it in a way where she doesn't blame herself. Sure, I-I get it. No problem, Steve. Okay, guys, the weekly meeting for the All Green Backpack Club will now commence. Any old business? Uh, there was a motion on the floor to change the color of our backpacks to a darker evergreen. Denied. Stan, I'm trying to stay open-minded here, but I'm looking at this list, and well, the things you want me to do to you I mean, it's crazy. There's nothing crazy about a husband and wife getting on the same sexual page, Francine. Sir, your candle is ready. This will make a lot of hot wax, right? It's the biggest candle in the world, so yeah. Oh, Snot, you're here. Good. Hey, now that we're an item, I want to know everything about your culture. Oh, and I've been listening to a ton of Richard Lewis's stand-up. Where have you been hiding this guy? Yeah, I don't know. Hayley, look, there's something I need to tell you. I'm I'm gay. What? You are too funny, Snot. Now, come on, stop kidding around and kiss me. Wow, Snot, I-I'm sorry. I- I thought you liked me. This is what he likes. Hey, Lil, I wanna thank you because you actually confirmed this for me. I mean, you're the perfect woman. And if I can't male it with you, then I'm just not meant to be with women. You know what, Snot as long as you're happy, I'm happy for you. Well, it was the perfect plan. Nobody got hurt. Good acting, Barry. Yeah. I'm such an idiot. Such a stupid idiot! Okay, the prairie dogs are up there, and, uh, they're hungry, like you requested. Great. Thanks. Stan, are you sure you're up to all this? Francine, don't worry. If anything goes wrong, I have comprehensive butt insurance. Principal Lewis? What are you doing here? I'm here to watch you two get it on. Being watched is one of my kinks, Francine. And who better to watch us have sex than our son's principal? What's Margaritte doing here? Don't mind him. He's my ride. And his friend. We have a very strong friendship. He's my ride. Are you ready? Sounds like some wild stuff going on down there, just like you wanted. No, this isn't what I wanted. Roger, Stan is out of control. It's like he can't get enough. I've created a monster. I was hoping afraid this might happen. We need to shock the beast back into his cage. We got to push him over the edge. I know what I have to do. Okay if I jump in, Stan? Yes, yes! More, more! Oh, that ain't supposed to be. Wow. So we're fully covered? Yes, ma'am. This is why it pays to have top-of-the-line butt insurance. Dark Star is there. Oh, how do you feel, honey? Not great. I guess I overdid it with the whole kinky thing, huh? Oh, Stan, this is all my fault. What do you mean? This was my idea. You just wanted to be spanked. No, I pushed you to do something you were uncomfortable with, when I should have just accepted that this is how you are. Sometimes people are repressed for a reason. And once you start to unrepress them, the floodgates open, and voilà! I never should have tried to change you, honey. I'm sorry. And don't worry, Roger will be out of you soon. They just paged the Asian doctor with the small hands. Well, she's in for a fight, because I'm starting to like it in here. Francine, are sure you're okay with going back to our normal sex routine? You really don't need to be spanked? No, honey. All I need is you. I am so glad you joined the team. What made you finally do it? Oh, just seemed like fun. Great game today, Francine. So glad you joined the team. Good girl. That was good play. Right on! Way to go!