Be Nice

Well, of course she has time to work out. She's only got one kid. - Where's the paper? - Give her a pair of twins and then let's see her body. - Where's the paper? - I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Put her in a bikini. There you go. You brought the paper in. Where did you put it? I'm on the phone. You know what? I saw a bathing suit that would be perfect for you. Could you point to the paper? Would you stop? I'm on the phone. In the time it took you to say that you can tell me where the paper is. Yeah, it's just my husband. Who's that? It's Jason's mom from school. You don't even know her name. - Tell me her name. - Shh! I have the catalog here somewhere. So you're looking for something for somebody you don't even know. Where's my paper?! I've got the catalog. I'll give it to you when I see you at the book fair. Okay, bye-bye. God! You are impossible! I can't talk on the phone for two minutes without you interrupting me. Where's the paper? Forget the paper. You're taking the kids to the park! Whoa, whoa. When did that happen? Last night you said you'd take the kids to the park so I could clean up around here and lay down for a few minutes today. When did I say that? When you were watching your stupid whatever show. Sports Center? Yes, I asked you, you said okay. Did I say okay, or did I say okay, okay, okay? What, so you're not going to take them? How much time do you need? I want an hour and a half. All right, but I'm back here in an hour and a half. That has to include travel time. - Fine. Just go. - Okay, all right. The hour and half starts right now. Okay, I'm gonna go put on my sneakers. All right, you varmints, vamoose on out of here. Run away. Go get 'em. Hi, do you know what time it is? Let's see it's 11 and half minutes since I put on my sneakers. - It's about 3:00. - Thanks. I'm Elise. We've seen the kids here with your wife Debra, right? - Right. - Is she okay? Yeah, she's taking a nap. She gets to nap? And you're watching all three kids? Well, I am their father. Wow. You can teach my husband a thing or two. Have him call me. I'll set up some lessons. It's so great the way you're spending this time with your kids. I mean, my husband would rather sit and watch sports. Yeah, sports. Sports is sports, you know. But they grow up so quickly. The ice cream truck, Daddy! Can we have some? Well, let's see. You had all your lunch today. So okey-dokey. - Anyone else want some ice cream? - I was gonna get some, so I'll go. Come on, Justin. He's playing. Let him stay, I'll watch him. - Sure you don't mind? - What's one more? - Thanks. - Yeah. You tell them rascals we're fixing to get Italian ices. Oh, darn this wheel. It keep falling off. - Let me get it. It's no trouble. - No, it's okay. It should just pop back on. I've seen these - Hi there, Debra. - Hi. Oh, hi. Haley, no honey, we don't eat sand. Excuse me. Thanks, Ray. Don't thank me yet. I haven't fixed it. - What are you doing? - The wheel fell off. What are you doing here? You're supposed to be sleeping. Yeah, well you forgot the twins' jackets, and it's cold out. - It's not cold. - Yeah, you're wearing a jacket. There you go. - Wow. Thanks. - Good as new. He is so helpful. Where did you find him? He's a gift from heaven. Nice meeting you, Ray. Thanks again. Okay, no problem. Hey, Justin, your mother's gonna be right back, okay? Where is she? She's over there. I'm keeping an eye on Justin for her. You're watching additional children? - Here we go. Oh hey, Debra. - Hi. - I got everybody popsicles. - Oh, great. One, two, three, four, five. Five popsicles. Thanks for watching Justin, Ray. Pleasure, Elise. You better hang on to him, Debra. Come on, Justin! See you later, Justin. This is silly. We don't both need to be here. Maybe one of us should, I don't know, go home and watch the ballgame. I don't think you wanna go yet. You're gonna miss the award ceremony. - Huh? - Yeah. And the winner for best performance as a husband goes to Ray Barone for "Mr. Fantastic visits a Park. " Yay! I have nothing prepared. Oh, you found the paper. - Yeah, I was able to find it. - Hmm. Where was it? In my car. Really? I don't remember putting it there. Sorry. Yeah, that's all right. I'm sorry about that whole park thing today. Yeah, it's okay. But, you know what? I said I was sorry. No. I was thinking about what we said at the park. You know what? It's true. We are nicer to other people, even strangers, than we are to each other. Yeah. So? I was just thinking maybe we could both be a little nicer to each other. Oh. Okay. Sure. You'll be nicer? Yes, and you can be nicer to me. Oh. Okay. Like how? Oh, nothing. Just a little more consideration. You know, appreciation. - Okay. - Just the little things. You know, manners. Pleases and thank yous. Got it. Got it. Right. Just a little courtesy, you know? Like maybe you could compliment me once in a while. - I give you compliments. - No, you don't. I always have to ask. "How do I look?" Or "What did you think of dinner?" So, unassisted compliments. - Yeah. - Okay. But this being nice thing is a two-way street. What would you like from me? You could be a little more polite, you know? Like not call me idiot. - Okay, that's fair. - Yeah. - No more idiot. - Okay. What would you like to be called? S- sweetie? Seriously? I don't know. Try it. Okay, sweetie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sweetie, yeah. - Yeah, thank you. - You're welcome. Oh, you know what? One more thing. I was just thinking that we could not interrupt each other when we're on the phone. - Okay? - Right. Or, like if we're on the phone and I ask for something we could take the time to say, "Hold on, please. " And tell me where it is in the same amount of time that it would take to say, "I'm on the phone. " Just like that. Do that. Okay. Yeah, or like when we're having a baby together and I'm in labor, you can maybe help me to the car instead of looking for magazines you want to flip through while you're at the hospital. Okay. And you'll work on the phone thing. - Right. Right. - Okay. Okay. All right, there it is! There it is, see? - What? - You just called me an idiot again. - I did not. - Yes, you did. With your eyes. Yes, I know the shorthand of it. All right, fine. Yeah. Bah, bah, bah, bah! What, Ray? I wasn't gonna roll my eyes. - You sure? - Yes, I'm sure. All right. - Good night. - Good night. I heard that. Hey, hucka-pooh. Thanks for taking that stuff over to the book fair. Oh, you're welcome. I think it's great you're doing this. Oh, you know what? That makes all the difference. Just to be acknowledged. You're acknowledging me. - That's nice. - Well, thanks. - Nice to be nice. - Yeah. Okay, I'm gonna check on dinner. Okay. You know I still need you to box up all these books, okay? Sure. Sure. Pleasure. - Thanks. - What are we having for dinner? - Fish. - Great. Good. Great. 'Cause we had the fish sticks yesterday, and I enjoyed them so much that I, uh, yeah, I was I was just saying I can't wait to have fish right away again. That's okay. If you don't want the fish you don't have to have it. - What else would you like? - Really? Anything else. - Okay. - Really? - Yeah. - This is nice. You want books? They're all yours. Nothing Dad likes better than getting rid of knowledge. Hey, Ray, how come you're not watching the game? - What game? - You've got the dish. Somebody's hitting something somewhere. - Whoa, whoa! Let me get that for you. - Thanks. There you go. If there's anything else you need let me know. Okay. What happened? Nothing. Come on, who are you kidding? "If there's anything else you need let me know. " She's got your dice in a vice. Frank, you took all my books. Where are all my books? - You never look at those. - Oh! My high-school yearbook, Frank? I want this. Well, I don't want it in the house. It's depressing. What are you talking about? I look beautiful in those pictures. That's what's depressing. - Here you go. - What's this? - Ginger ale. - For me? Yeah, I made you a nice big juicy turkey sandwich for dinner. Thanks. You're welcome, sweetie. Sweetie. Sweetie. All right, really, what's going on here? Nothing, we're just trying to be a little bit nicer to each other. Nice. I tried it once. Didn't care for it. Did the same thing happen with smart? We could all be a little nicer to each other. Doesn't your own family deserve the best of you? You know, I think Debra's right. You have to be kind. That's how I try to spend my life. Kindness. That's always been my motto. Hmm. That's a slightly different motto than ba-ba-ba-ba-bah! So kindness isn't just what you say. Sometimes it's what you don't say. It's like, for instance, most of my friends, they do nothing but criticize their daughters-in-law. Me, no. I hold my tongue. Because restraint is important. Right, dear? Yes. Aw, cut the crap! You're playing with fire here. You gotta let steam off on each other. Because if you let it off on a stranger he gets mad. He punches you. You punch him. He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. Guys jump in, war starts. It's a mess. The spouse is the perfect escape valve. He read that at our wedding. Okay, thanks for stopping by. Billy Smith, Frank. Billy Smith. Look. "Have a great summer. " I could've married Billy Smith. There's still time. Robert, you're a policeman. Try to find Billy Smith. And it doesn't have to be this Billy Smith. Listen, I didn't want to get involved in your little experiment here. But actually I think Dad has a good point. Oh, you can't possibly think that's healthy. Wait, let me finish. There is such a thing as too nice. - Not to me. - Take it from the divorced man. I was nice to Joanne every single day of our marriage. I was nice right up to the day she walked out on me. I carried her bags out to the car. I still even send her a birthday card. And do you know what I got for it? Spastic colon. Make of it what you will. Good night. - You know they're wrong, Ray? - I know. Come on, what are we listening to them for? Why is that the last people who should talk are always my relatives? Your sandwich is ready. Let's go eat. Okay. Where are the kids? They're at the Parkers. Oh, I love turkey. You want some chips? No, just your sandwich. Yes! How is it? It's great. Do we have chips? - Yeah, sure. - Hmm. Why, what's the matter? Nothing. Is there something new in here? Yeah, I made my own dressing yesterday. You like it? You know I think it's marvelous that you're trying the new dressings. Wait a minute. What is that? What? Nice. No, no, no. That's not nice. That's a fake nice. That's your mom. All right, all right. Now that's not nice right there. Come on, Ray, don't patronize me. If you don't like my dressing just say so. I'm fine with honesty. You're fine if I tell you that it's bad? Well, yes. Because that's what do you mean it's bad? I didn't say that it was bad. I said you're fine if I say that it's bad. Don't give me that crap. Why don't you just say you hate it? Look, maybe I'm wrong but I don't think this is a sandwich problem. I think somebody's letting off steam at me. I think I have the right to let off steam at you because I made some fish and you didn't want that. Then I make you this special sandwich and you're having a problem with that! I didn't say I had a problem with it! - I'm trying to be nice. - Yeah, fake nice. What's the difference?! Wait, forget about it. I'm eating the sandwich. - Don't eat the sandwich. - No, I'm gonna eat the sandwich. You made it for me special and I'm going to eat it. So now you're gonna hold everything in like your brother? No, it's a perfectly good sandwich. You made it for me and I appreciate it. That's all. I'll make a deal with you. I throw this out and you can call me an idiot. Deal. Idiot. Oh yeah, yeah. Come on, let's go to the bedroom. Come on, come on. Right behind you.