Meet Lance Sackless

(Open in the living room. Chicken is watching TV. Cow plops her udders onto Chicken’s head.)

Cow: "Guess who."

Chicken: "Cow."

Cow: "Oh. How did you guess?"

Chicken comes out from under Cow’s udders.

Chicken: "Cannot you see I’m trying to watch TV?"

The words “Canada’s Funniest Home Vidiots” is shown on the TV.

Lance Sackless: "Ladies… Canada’s Funniest Home Vidiots!"

Cow: "Ooh! I love this show. Moo!"

Lance Sackless is shown.

Lance Sackless: "Hello. It’s me– Lance Sackless."

He falls down.

Lance Sackless: "HERE’S TONIGHT’S SEMI-FINALIST VIDEO!"

He turns on a TV and a Canadian dad is shown with his son playing hockey.

Canadian Dad: "Come on, Jorge. Hit it out of the park, eh?"

Jorge hits the ball past the hoop, also knocking it through his father’s teeth. Canned laughter is heard.

Canadian Dad: "Ow… Eh."

Lance Sackless: "REMEMBER, GALS, if you’ve got a video of yourselves doing SOMETHING completely TOTALLY STUPID, send it into Canada’s Funniest Home Vidiots."

He rolls around on the floor.

Lance Sackless: "You could have a shot at the $10,000.00 GRAND PRIZE!"

Cow: [gasps] "Gee, Chicken, we do stupid stuff all the time!"

Tilt to them in the kitchen. Chicken is taping Cow with a camera sweeping next to the table which has itch cream and a bottle of glue on it.

Chicken: "OK, Cow. Just like we practiced."

Cow: "Oh! Phew! All this work is giving me dry horns. Oh, I had better use some of this Preparation Itch."

Chicken: "No, no, Cow, the other one!"

Cow: "Oh, ha ha ha! Sorry."

She picks up a bottle of Poultry Glue that says “Glues Chickens Permanently” and pours it on her head.

Cow: "Oh, pooh! I have accidentally poured glue on my head."

Chicken is shown hanging above Cow on a rafter.

Chicken: "Hey, Cow, look! I am hanging right above youse. I sure hope that I do not fall and get stuck to the top of your head."

He falls and gets stuck on Cow’s head.

Cow: "Ooh, we are stuck to each other’s heads!"

Chicken: "Boy, this sure is stupid! Hee!"

Dissolve to Cow walking over to the mailbox with a box labeled “To Lance Sackless From Cow And Chicken.” Chicken is still stuck to Cow’s head.

Cow: " “To Lance Sackless.” "

She puts the box in the mailbox.

Chicken: "This tape is going to make us rich! OK, Cow. Now, get me off your head."

Cow: "OK, big brother."

She struggles to pull Chicken off stretching him out to extreme lengths and he grunts in pain.

Chicken: "Cow, you are killing me here!"

Cow snaps him back onto her head.

Cow: "Oh, terribly sorry, big brother."

The school bus drives over and Cow enters, dragging Chicken across the top of the bus bumping his head.

Chicken: "Uhh! Hey! Aah!"

Cow gets into a seat with a nerdy-looking girl who sees Chicken on Cow’s head.

Girl: "Ha ha ha! Nice hat, Cow! Ha ha ha!"

Chicken: "Next time, I get to be on the bottom."

Cut to school. The bell rings and Chicken struggles to open his locker with the entire weight of Cow on top of him.

Chicken: "12 right, 37 left, 18 right. Uhh!"

Cow falls on him.

Cow: "You OK, big brother?"

Cow gets back up and Chicken sees the boys’ bathroom.

Chicken: "Ooh, come on, Cow! I got to walk the dog… bad!"

Cow: "Absolutely not, big brother. That is the little boys’ room, and little girls like I do not go into the little boys’ room."

Chicken gets squashed against the ceiling.

Chicken: "Ah, never mind! Bend down, quick!"

Cow: "Okey-dokey."

She leans down and Chicken kicks open the door and stretches his body in. He goes over to a stall and sees a 10 cents deposit on the door. He runs back to Cow.

Chicken: "Cow! I need a dime!"

Cow hands him a dime and he stretches himself into the stall and relaxes after flushing.

Chicken: "Ahh! That’s better."

He falls back onto Cow’s head. Cut to the bell ringing. All the kids run out shouting. Cow comes out on top of Chicken who is scrunched down in a heap.

Chicken: "Ooh, I hope Lance Sackless picks our tape."

Cow: "Ooh! I am keeping my udders crossed."

She crosses her udders.

Chicken: "That’s going to help."

A limousine drives over with a Lance Sackless gold statue on it and a “Canada- Sakless Keep It Boring” license plate. The sun roof opens and Lance Sackless sticks his butt out and slides the window down to reveal himself.

Lance Sackless: "Congratulations, ladies! YOU TWO IDIOTS sticking your heads together made the semi-finals! You’re going to Canada."

He grabs Cow by her tail and pulls her in through the window, dragging Chicken behind and he drives off with them. Dissolve to the Canada’s Funniest Home Vidiots coliseum. Lance Sackless is on the stage.

Lance Sackless: "OK, you IDIOT LOVERS! Lance Sackless here. Let’s look at our 3 totally STUPID semifinalists here, shall we?"

He shows the audience a TV that has a family walking through their kitchen tripping on a banana slug and landing in a file cabinet headfirst.

Lance Sackelss: "FIRST, this large family slipping on a banana slug and landing IN A FILE CABINET! File them under “L” FOR LOSERS!"

The audience laughs and we see Mom and Dad in the audience laughing as well.

Dad: "Ha ha ha!"

Mom: "Ha ha ha! Oh, Dad! These Canadians are hilarious!"

Dad: "Does hiliarious mean large?"

Both: "Ha ha ha!"

Lance Sackless gets on the TV and looks down on the title “Yurp” on it.

Lance Sackless: " “Yurp.” Check out this stupidity, ladies. The Queen Mum OF YURP choking ON A FISH BONE!"

A queen is shown putting a fish in her mouth and choking on it. Her servants attempt to pull it out. Lance Sackless bounces around on his butt excitedly.

Lance Sackless: "And last but not least, A CHICKEN AND HIS FAT SISTER COW!"

Chicken falls onto Cow’s glue-spilled head on the TV.

TV Cow: "Ooh, we are stuck to each other’s heads!"

Lance Sackless: "So, WHAT’LL IT BE… girlies? WILL IT BE THE BIG-BUTT FAMILY in a file cabinet?"

The banana slug family is shown in the audience still stuck in the file cabinet.

Audience: "Yay, eh! Yay, eh! Yay, eh!"

Lance Sackless: "The Queen mum choking on a carp?"

The Queen’s servants are shown jumping on the Queen to try to get the carp out.

Audience: "Yay, eh! Yay, eh!"

Lance Sackless: "Or…Cow & Chicken glued to each other’s heads?"

Audience: "YAY, EH!"

Mom starts crying.

Mom: "Canadians love our kids!"

Dad: "Hey, just like us!"

Lance Sackless looks at the winner card.

Lance Sackless: [gasps] "Oh, and the winner is… C-C-C– Ooh! Cow & Chicken! Ha ha ha!"

Audience: "Ha ha ha!"

Cow: "Goody!"

Chicken: "All right!"

Lance Sackless grabs Chicken’s beak and pulls him over.

Lance Sackless: "I mean, how incredibly stupid is this chicken, folks GLUING HIMSELF to a fat cow?"

Chicken: "Hey!"

Audience: "Ha ha ha!"

Lance Sackless drops Chicken.

Lance Sackless: "I mean, look at her. SHE’S HUGE AND TUBBY! You’d have to be a drooling pinhead to miss THIS HUMONGOUS CONTINENTAL MESS!"

Cow: "Stop making fun of my big brother."

Lance Sackless: "You don’t like chicken jokes, do you?"

Cameramen: "Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!"

Lance Sackless: "Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha!"

Cow bursts out crying as the audience laughs.

Cow: "Moo!"

Cow runs into an exit room, still sobbing. Lance Sackless bounces around on his butt.

Lance Sackless: "Ooh, somebody is going to need that 10 grand… FOR THERAPY! Ha ha ha!"

Audience: "Ha ha ha!"

Supercow crashes through the wall with Chicken still on her head.

Supercow: "Supercow!"

Mom: "Would you look at that, Dad? Supercow has Chicken stuck to her head, too!"

Dad: "Man, Mama! What are the odds?"

Supercow jumps onto the stage.

Supercow: "¡Nadie se rie de mi hermano!"

She kicks Lance Sackless away with her udders.

Lance Sackless: "Uhh! Uh! Oh! Ow!"

Supercow: "¡Toma!"

Lance Sackless crashes into the wall and gets stuck in it. Supercow rips Chicken off her head tearing off his comb, puts him in her mouth and flies away through the wall with him.

Supercow: "Moo! Supercow!"

Dissolve to Cow & Chicken watching TV. Chicken has a new comb tied on with a cast.

Chicken: "Stupid Canadian money! 10 grand in Canadian is only 5 cents American, not even enough to cover my comb-transplant operation! Geez!"

TV Announcer: "Live from Uganda, Africa’s Hollywood, it’s Uganda’s Hilarious Duct Tape Accidents!"

Cow & Chicken both stare open-mouthed in shock before Cow pulls out a duct tape roll. Chicken looks nervously at her.

Chicken: "Cow?"

Ripping is heard from outside.

Chicken: "Ow!"

He runs out through the door with most of his back feathers torn off. Cow goes over to the door and holds up the duct tape roll which has Chicken’s back feathers on it.

Cow: "Hey, Chicken, I got it on tape! Moo! Ha ha ha! End!"

THE END