Robert's Divorce

-This is nice, isn't it? - It's wonderful.

Where's the guy with the water already?

I'm dying here.

Good. Before you go, would you make a toast?

Okay...

here's to water.

The earth is covered with it.

Where the hell is my share?

Raymond, please, make a toast.

All right, uh...

here's to Robert being back on the job.

We all think it's great.

Way to go...

way to go.

- Cheers. There you go. - All right, there you go.

Thank you.

This is a very special night for me.

I finally feel like I've put my bull wound behind me.

I said, "behind me."

Oh, I got it.

No, but I gotta tell you, it's been

a tough few months getting back on my feet,

and now that I have Amy at my side again,

and I'm back doing the job that I love, I've never felt better.

And also I think I have gotten over my anxiety

vis-a-vis public restrooms,

so if you'll excuse me, I shall return presently.

- Oh my God. - It's that awful woman!

- That's definitely her, right? - It's her!

- Who? - That's Joanne,

Robert's ex-wife.

What the hell? She's got water!

Oh my God, so that's Robert's ex-wife?

Yep, the infamous Joanne.

Mom, stuff's coming out!

I almost didn't recognize her

without her broomstick and flying monkeys.

When was the last time Robert saw her?

Oh, not since the divorce was finalized.

- You don't know this story? - No, he never talks about her.

That's 'cause he's a nice boy.

- I'll tell you. - Go ahead.

Okay. Ma, no spitting.

Let's see, we had just moved in

across the street from my parents, right?

I don't remember. I've blocked that out.

Well, that's when it was,

'cause right about that time,

Robert and Joanne, they had a little house...

No no, I'm serious.

I'm putting that movie in my top five all-time.

Any movie with a cop or a dog in it

goes into your top five.

Andthisone had both!

Hey, remember when the dog cleaned himself in front of the mayor?

That was funny. I'll give you that one.

You know what I liked best about that movie?

We had to leave our house to see it.

This is the first movie we've seen since we had the twins!

Hey, you're the one whose egg divided.

And you know what? Your mother told me

they would babysit the kids whenever we wanted.

It is just so great that we moved across the street from them.

- Hey, Joanne. - Hey, sweetheart.

- Hey, guys. - What's happening?

- How was the movie? - Oh, I'm telling you,

I wish you'd come with us. I really liked it.

I'm thinking of putting it in my top five.

Really? Because the preview looked kind of stupid.

You know now that I think about it,

the dog drove a car, what is that?

That's why we can never see movies together.

We have the exact opposite taste in movies, books-- stop!

...Music, TV shows.

He likes the kind of thing where someone steps on a rake.

- This movie had that too. - Yeah, it was good.

It's funny.

Oh, no no no. You can put your feet on our furniture.

That's all right, I'm good right here.

No, really, it's okay.

Until Robert gets a raise,

we are blessed with your parents' old stuff.

If you get really close, you can still smell Frank's feet.

I'll pass.

Sorry.

I thought we weren't doing that anymore.

- No crazy chin. - Yeah, you're right, you're right.

Sometimes when I eat, I do a little thing with my chin.

- That's all right. I didn't know. - I didn't notice that.

So, Debra, your hair is looking good!

Oh, thank you.

It's not as yuck as it was when you were pregnant.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

- I am rubbing your shoulders. - Why?

I don't know, you're my mush-mush?

It's okay.

I'm sorry. Was I hurting you?

Sometimes I don't know my own strength.

You and your big mitts.

That's why we can't have pets.

My funny lady!

Oh, look out for Mr. Big Hands.

Okay, I'm going to bed.

- We'll keep it down out here. - Do whatever you want.

- Good night, guys. Good to see you. - Okay, bye.

Bobby, tonight could you not plop into bed?

Sometimes I wake up in mid-air.

Okay, got it, no plopping.

Night, mushy mush-mush!

So, Robert, I love what you've--

No no, seriously, we've got to keep it down.

Ooh, ahh.

Whoo.

Ooh, boy.

I am tuckered out.

You guys wanna play Monopoly or something?

Shouldn't you be getting home?

I have to make sure that Joanne is in a real deep sleep,

'cause I kinda have the tendency

to plop into bed.

Yeah, mush-mush told us.

I know, how about Pictionary?

I'll get a sketch pad.

Don't you feel bad for Robert?

I feel bad for you, 'cause I'm going to bed.

Wait a minute.

Wait.

Listen, you've got to talk to Robert.

He's so unhappy with Joanne!

He's not unhappy. What?

So she's a little bossy. He seems fine with that.

She's always putting him down, and he just sits there and takes it.

Hey, that's marriage.

Their marriage.

That's their marriage, over there.

Just tell him that he should talk to Joanne

about the way she treats him and how that makes him feel.

How about I'll just tell him to go home,

and then you and l can go upstairs

and shake it up.

If you don't talk to him, I will.

No, don't, no! Would you--

I'll talk to him, okay? I know-- I know what to say.

Found a deck of cards!

Crazy Eights?

Listen, Robert,

you really--

you really should go home to your wife, 'cause...

Debra's got to pump breast milk.

Yeah, you know what to say.

I don't have to pump, Robert.

It's just that, um...

you and Joanne-- I mean, we think Joanne is great,

but just sometimes, uh,

you know, with you, she can be not very nice,

and we were just thinking

that it would help you if you told her h--

Robert, stop looking at my breasts.

I'm sorry.

Listen, Joanne has to put up with a lot from me.

I'm not the easiest person to live with.

I'm hairy and smelly,

and I'm really kind of like an animal.

- Hi, dear. - Hey, Marie, hi!

Hey...

I told you two, you can't come in here anymore if you don't knock.

Gotcha.

Hey, your old lady's looking for you.

- Joanne? - Yeah.

She was a little short with me on the phone.

I think she's worried about you.

I don't like that one.

Why can't you just be happy that Robby found someone?

When are you gonna learn it's not our place

to meddle in our children's lives?

Marie, I don't think it's meddling

if you love and care about the person.

You know, you're just strolling down the railroad tracks

and you don't hear the "whoo-whoo!"

Robert, I think what your father is trying to say

- is that sometimes Joanne is... -...a nutcracker.

Dad, you're talking about my wife.

Anutcracker!

Robby, you really should--

No.

No, I'm not butting in.

Live your life.

Robert, you just seem so unhappy.

What is this, some kind of intervention?

I happen to love Joanne.

She's strong, she's independent.

You don't know anything about her.

You don't know about our...

private life.

We have chemistry.

I remember...

when you took chemistry.

That was the year you had no eyebrows.

I don't appreciate this. I really don't.

Your family is not supposed to be like this.

If no one is gonna support me,

then I'd just rather you all butt out!

Wow, he really hates that chair.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

You're supposed to be studying for your sergeant's exam!

How are we ever gonna afford anything nice

if this is how you study!?

I'm taking a cartoon break and eating a banana!

That's great! You're gonna put it off

till the last minute, and then guess what?

You'll be watching cartoons full time

and coming to me for banana money!

You think you can answer the door?!

- Hey. - Hey.

What do you want?

Um...

well...

I wanted to come by

and apologize for everybody yesterday.

Let me tell you something,

none of you know her the way I do.

Yeah yeah,

I know, chemistry.

But um...

I gotta tell you,

I did just kinda overhear about...

the banana money.

Bobby, if you're not gonna--

- Oh! Hey, Ray. - Hi, Joanne.

Bobby didn't tell me you were coming over.

That's 'cause Bobby didn't even know.

You know, it's a surprise.

You know how we love it when you come over, Ray,

but Bobby's got a lot of studying to do,

and you know, you are not the best influence on him.

Oh, okay. All right, I'm sorry.

Ray, wait.

Don't talk to him like that.

Excuse me?

- It's okay. - No no, it's not okay.

I want you to apologize to Raymond.

- Apologize for what? - For what you just said to him,

and for all the mean things you've ever said about him.

She says mean things about me?

Oh, sure sure. She's sweet to your face, but as soon as you leave

she talks about how your voice sounds like a wounded cow.

Or how when you run, it looks like you're trying

to hold a pencil between your cheeks.

Hmph.

I'm tired of the way you treat him.

He's my brother. And I'm gonna tell you something else, Joanne.

Maybe if you just showed a little warmth to people,

they wouldn't be so scared of you.

And maybe if you just gave me a clue that you still cared about me,

I wouldn't spend so much time hiding out at Ray and Debra's.

And you wanna know something else?

Things are gonna have to start changing around here.

I want a divorce.

What?

Ah, that felt good. I've been waiting

for the right time. Thank you.

I'll get that.

I'm glad we talked. How much time

do you think you'll need to get your stuff out of the house?

- Hello, Raymond. - Hi, Ma, listen, could you

drive me to the mall? 'Cause I could really use a sweater.

Okay, we'll go Saturday.

- No no. - Oh, hello, Joanne.

How nice to see you!

Robby, I made you a bundt cake!

What's the matter?

Joanne just...

dumped me.

I don't understand.

You know what, Ma? I'll tell you about it in the car.

- It's chilly, I can use a sweater. - Joanne dumped you?

Joanne dumped you?

You!

You!

You never appreciated my Robby!

- I could use a sweater. - You never loved him

for the decent delightful boy he is!

You never realized how lucky you are

to be a part of this wonderful family.

I have held my tongue

for two years,

and I have given you every benefit of the doubt.

That's the kind of person I am!

The kind of person you are?

You are an angry,

pushy, manipulative

- bitch. - Oh!

- Oh, you! - No, Ma, stop it!

- You monster, you! - She didn't mean it.

No, you're not a monster, you're a creature!

I'm not the one being restrained right now.

And I'm not the one who danced topless in Atlantic City!

That's right.

I know all about you,

Cinnamon.

But as long as my son seemed happy,

I decided to let him live in blissful ignorance.

I knew she was a showgirl, Ma.

- You knew?! - Yes.

You knew this and you still married her?!

You didn't tell me?!

Could have saved money on the bachelor party.

Oh, come on, enough enough!

I don't want to hear this kind of thing anymore!

Someone has to protect this family,

and I'm through sitting idly by!

And as for you...

nobody dumps my son!

You think you're dumping my son?

- Okay, let's calm down. - Well, let me tell you something--

my son is dumping you! That's right!

It's time to take out the trash!

Three minutes ago I was watching cartoons and eating a banana.

- She still there? - No.

What's scary is, I think I just saw a bat fly away.

You knew she was a showgirl?!

Raymond, I hope you're not keeping

this kind of a secret about Debra.

You mean "Peppermint"?

I don't like that, Raymond.

Thank God I live across the street from you.

And now...

we all need to have a piece of this cake.

What do I do now?

I'll tell you what you don't do.

You don't call Mom a bitch.

Oh my God!

I usually don't get that way,

but you know how strong maternal instincts are.

Yeah, I know.

Still hurts when it rains.

Shh-shh-shh, here he comes.

Oh my God,

did you see who's sitting over there? Joanne!

- Get out of here! - Really? She is?

Do you think she saw me? Should I go say hi? What do I do?

- No, you don't have to go. - She's a horrible person.

- She's a creature. - Hi.

- Hey, Joanne! - Hey, look at this!

You were here?

- Hi, Bobby. - Hi.

Oh, what a pleasant surprise!

Oh, how have you been?

Oh.

Thanks, good.

Yeah, good to see you. You're looking well.

Ow! What?

Oh, Amy, my girlfriend. My girlfriend Amy.

- Oh, nice to meet you. - Hi!

Quite a grip you got there.

So, um, ahem, I guess

I'd better be getting back to my table there.

Sure sure, yeah.

Uh, listen, now that I'm back in town,

it might be fun to catch up, if you want.

Here's my number.

Uh, so...

it was really good to see all of you again.

- You, too. - Nice meeting you.

It was a really nice surprise!

What?

She went back to her maiden name.

Glotz.

Cinnamon Glotz?!

Joanne, Joanne Glotz.

Biggest mistake of my life.

It could be worse, Robert.

Some mistakes last 43 years.

I don't see what's wrong with itemizing the bill,

- so we each pay for what we ate. - It's just easier

to split it up equally, Dad.

Yes, easier for those of you who had appetizers!

You know what? I'll catch up with you. I wanna check Dad's tip.

You don't tip on the tax or the liquor!

All right, all right.

Get in the car, you're drunk.