Life of Brian

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ Is violence in movies and s*x on TV ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ All the things that make us ♪ ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 12x06 ♪ Life of Brian Original Air Date on November 24, 2013

(Brian and Stewie scream)

Hurry, Brian, they're gaining on us!

(gunfire)

Damn it, we're surrounded!

Crap, they got away.

Better call the boss.

Damn, I'm not getting a smoke signal here.

(plays rim shot)

(rainstick rattles)

Damn it, Stewie, what the hell did you do?!

I know, I know, I messed up.

(mocks): "I messed up."

You went back to 17th-century Jamestown and you gave guns to the lndians.

And now they're running everything!

I said I messed up, all right?!

I guess I just have this pathological need to be liked.

Well, it's not a good trait.

Aw, come on. Don't say that.

Let me buy you lunch.

Thanks to you, the lndians killed all the white people and took over America.

I mean, you're the one who's always saying, "Never alter the past."

Oh, come on, Brian, let's be honest.

I frequently alter the past.

All right, so, I guess we'll split the bill 13 ways?

Hey, Judas, he ordered, like, five margaritas.

All you had was a salad.

You know, it actually looks like the Native Americans have done all right for themselves.

They do seem to have a lot of shops.

And it looks like they have medical care as well.

Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I've done this several times today, and your husband just isn't responding.

Well, have you tried this?

Ma'am, this is a place of medicine.

And their popular music is interesting.

And here it is, the number one song for the 10,000th week in a row, "Huya-Huya-Huya"!

(chanting): ♪ Huya-Huya-Huya-Huya ♪ ♪ Huya-Huya-Huya-Huya... ♪

Well, no matter..

We better restore things to the way they were.

Let's go back to Jamestown and undo...

Oh, dear. What? What is it?

The return pad.

Looks like it took some bullets during our escape.

Doesn't seem to be working.

Hmm.

What? Wha-What is that?

What is that, "Hmm"?

Wha-What are you looking for?

What are you looking for specifically?

Yeah, that's right.

But I'm afraid our only hope is that perhaps the alternate Stewie in this universe has created his own time machine that we can use.

Well, let's hope so, because otherwise they're gonna kill us.

Yeah, or stick us on some kind of white people reservation.

Don't give them any money.

They're just gonna spend it all on deviled eggs.

Well, there's my brave warrior.

How was work today?

Oh, it was so annoying.

Everyone was coming around with their daughters, selling Girl Scout corn.

Made me feel so guilty, I had to buy, like, 20 ears.

Hey, shot in the dark, but, uh, is anyone else in the mood to run really fast in one direction?

Look, there it is!

And it looks like he has a return pad, too.

All right, come on.

Let's get back to Jamestown and set things right.

(zapping, whirring)

Look, there you are giving them the guns!

What the hell are you doing there?

You told me you were checking on the horses.

Well, she's a sizeable woman.

That's what I meant.

All right, come on.

We've got to get those guns back.

Hey, hi, how are you today?

Good to see you.

Listen, uh, we've just been informed that these guns are defective.

Uh, we're from the gun company.

Um, anyway, you know how we like to take things back from you people?

Well, we're gonna go ahead and take these back.

That's right. We're from GunCo..

(hushed): Shut up, you're blowing it.

Where you taking guns?

Brian, grab the return pad!

Get 'um paleface!

They're gone. We can talk normal now.

Well, everything looks like it should.

Only one way to be certain.

Okay, let's do a quick search here.

"Native American role models."

"Zero results found."

Looks like we did it, Brian.

Ah, thank God!

Hey, what are you gonna do with all those guns?

I don't know, sell 'em to some messed up kid?

(metallic banging)

What the hell is that?

Stewie?

Oh, my God! What are you doing?!

This time machine has almost killed us a hundred times, Brian.

And yesterday was just too close a call.

So I've decided to get rid of it before something irreparable happens.

But, Stewie, your-your time machine, it's, like, your crowning achievement.

I-I can't believe you'd just destroy it.

Trust me, Brian, it's for the best.

And, hey, at least I've had some fun with it.

Do you know what I did last week?

I time-traveled ahead to Christmas so I wouldn't have to wait all year for the new toys to come out.

Wow, good timing, little fella.

This just came out today.

(chuckles) Yeah, I kind of knew that already.

Would you like to donate an extra dollar to the Quahog Food Bank?

Oh, sure.

And would you like to come home and clean my toilet, while we're both doing stuff for each other?

(sighs) Well, I guess that's it.

This is, like, the end of an era.

Oh, sack up, you twink.

It's just a machine.

God, look at all the perfectly good stuff that people just throw out for no reason.

I don't know. It's mostly twin mattresses.

If you have a twin mattress, aren't you pretty much a failure as a human being?

No, I mean it.

Like, here, look at this street hockey net.

It's in great shape.

You know, we should take this home and set it up.

Get some fresh air, get some exercise.

Well, I suppose I could use a new hobby now that the time machine is gone.

You sure you're not gonna miss that thing?

Nah, I was getting bored of it anyway.

You know, not every historical event is all it's cracked up to be.

Women, we've spent decades fighting for our right to vote.

So, when you go to those booths and cast your ballot, remember, Warren G. Harding is way the cutest!

(all squealing, giggling)

♪ Oh, girls just want to have fun... ♪

Okay, Brian, I'm just putting this out there, but I'm a baby, and only dicks don't let babies win.

God, look at this day, huh?

You know, usually, I'd be sitting inside writing, you'd be working on one of your machines.

But here we are enjoying it.

Yes, it is a nice change of pace.

Oh, wait, I got to go grab my knee pads.

I was using them for... for-for this other thing.

Anyway, I'll be right back.

Brian, look out!

Ah, Brian!

Oh, my God!

Brian! Brian, can you hear me?!

Holy crap! What the hell happened?!

That guy sucked.

Mom, is Brian gonna be okay?

I don't know, Meg.

But this is the best veterinarian in Quahog.

Brian's getting the finest care there is.

He had to share the ambulance with a chicken.

Um, aren't you supposed to be running around?

Don't talk to me.

You have a bad reputation in the chicken community.

Doctor, how is Brian?

Is he gonna be okay?

I'm so sorry, Mrs. Griffin, but Brian's injuries are just too severe for us to save him.

I don't know how much longer he has, but I suggest that you all go in and say your good-byes.

(monitor beeping steadily)

Oh, my God!

Brian, no!

I can't believe it.

Y-You're really...

Damn it, Brian, you can't die!

We were gonna do so many things together.

We were gonna become windsurfers.

I was gonna be a little better than you, but we were both gonna be good!

(groans softly)

You guys, I think, I think Brian's trying to say something!

You... you've given me a wonderful life.

I love you all.

(monitor flatlines)

I'm sorry, he's gone.

Oh, my God, he's...

(voice breaking): Yes, Chris, I'm afraid...

I'm afraid that our Brian is dead!

Guys, I'm gonna need a few minutes alone upstairs.

I got to do, like, a-a sad yank.

Stupid street hockey.

I wish we never went to that dump.

Oh, this is all my fault.

I'm the one who had to throw away the damn time machine.

Wait a minute. That's it!

I've just got to rebuild the time machine, and then I can go back and save Brian!

(tires screech)

Oh, happy birthday, Neil!

Stewie! How are you?

Oh, not well, Yusuf. I need your help.

I have to track down a titanium capacitor for a high-wattage mainframe I'm going to construct.

Titanium capacitors?

Sorry, there's no way to get those anymore.

What do you mean?

You've gotten them for me before.

I know, but the one guy who made those drew a doodle of Mohammed, so he's not around anymore.

He wasn't even doing it on purpose, just absentmindedly while talking on the phone.

But it was Mohammed, so... you know.

Oh, that's awful.

Okay, Yusuf, thanks, anyway.

Oh, dear, Rupert, without those capacitors, it'll be completely impossible to build a functioning time machine.

(sighs)

I guess that means Brian is really gone for good.

(sobbing)

Thank you so much for coming, guys.

Brian would be very thankful that you're here.

No problem, Lois.

You know, I usually don't come to funerals.

Since I'm a cop, I always wind up getting hit by a black woman with a purse.

You find the man who did this.

Uh, ma'am, what's your relationship to Brian? You bring him to justice!

You make sure this angel child didn't die for nothing!

Are you sure you're at the right funeral?

Ma'am, Brian's a dog.

You show the world why you became a cop!

Okay.

Thank you, everyone, for coming today.

None of you people came to my funeral!

I know Peter wanted to say a few words.

(sighs))

Oh, boy, this is, um... this is probably the worst pain I've ever had to go through, and I've sprained my ankle twice.

Um... the truth is, Brian wasn't just my dog.

He was my best friend in the whole world.

He was smart, he was loyal, and I guess what I'm trying to say is he was like a brother to me.

(voice breaking): And I-I'm gonna spend the rest of my life missing him.

(sniffling)

We're all gonna miss him, Peter.

We're all gonna miss him very much.

(crying)

Damn it, Ortiz.

Stop swinging at junk.

My God, I almost served Brian again.

I can't believe he's been gone a whole month.

Can we at least get rid of the doggie door so Chris doesn't keep getting stuck in it?

Every day I get a little further in.

You know, I hate to say it, but I-I'm starting to think the only way to stop missing Brian is to get a new dog.

Or do we all get Ghostbuster jumpsuits with our names on them?

♪ Who you gonna call?

♪ The Griffins.

I'm serious, Peter.

I know it might take time to find the right dog, but I really feel like it might be the best way for us to move on.

Yeah, Dad. That would be nice.

All right, well, I guess it couldn't hurt to look.

Really? Another dog?

Look, I miss Brian more than any of you, but at least now no one's forcing us to watch those awful PBS documentaries.

Announcer: And now PBS presents Albino Children Are Normal.

So, with the exception of not being able to go out in the sun, you're completely normal?

Yes. The moon is my sun.

I like to kill beetles.

Beetles are teachers.

I sleep with a fork.

(birds singing, dogs barking)

All right, guys, time to find a new family dog.

Hey, Chris, you're kind of a creep.

You should get a ferret.

You're right, I am.

And I will!

(dogs barking)

I don't know how to choose between all these dogs.

(New Jersey accent): Hey, you, green pants.

I hear you're looking for a dog or something.

Oh, finally, someone who sounds like they went to college.

Hi, I'm Peter. Vinny.

Oh, Vinny, like the Pooh.

Hey, that's kind of cool.

So, what's your story?

Well, you know, I'm just a regular guy.

You throw a stick, maybe I bring it back.

Maybe I bring back an iPhone that fell off a truck.

So, what do you say?

You want me as your dog?

Yeah, I think I do!

Hey, just out of curiosity, what breed are you?

Actually, I'm a pussy hound.

Really? All right!

That just means I'm one-sixteenth cat.

Oh, I wish you hadn't told me that.

Well, Vinny, welcome to our home.

All right, this is good.

This is good.

Hey, you guys got a good banging-broads couch, you know that?

Vinny, you must be starving.

What can I make you for dinner?

Are you kidding?

You're a hardworking lady.

So, tonight, I'm gonna make you dinner.

Wow. (chuckles)

Well, thank you, Vinny.

Whoa, whoa, hang on, Lois.

You promised me we were all eating my Play-Doh pasta tonight.

Oh, Stewie, did you make something?

Mmm, oh, it's so yummy.

Num, num, num, num, num.

You better mean those "nums."

Hey, you, what's your name?

Chris.

How about I call you Hat Boy?

Hell yeah!

Lower your voice, Chris.

It's Hat Boy, bitch!

Wow, look at you, Vinny.

It's like you're already part of the family.

I don't know, fat man, I think you're jumping the gun.

I mean, crucifixion seemed great at first, too.

Why are you doing that?

'Cause I'm mad at this guy.

I'm mad at this jar of pickles I can't open.

Nail it up.

Hey, guys, I want you to meet our new dog, Vinny.

Vinny, this is Joe and Quagmire.

Hey, Vinny. How you doing?

Real good.

Hey, so I hear you're a cop.

That's right.

Hey, that's great.

Maybe sometime you could take me on a ride-along with you, show me the neighborhood.

Yeah, I don't take people out on ride-alongs anymore.

I had a bad experience with Grimace.

I got to be honest, I can't get a bead on you, man.

Oh, boy, Vinny, hanging out with you has been the best.

You want another beer?

No.

I'd love one!

(both laugh)

What? What? The first thing you said was...

(laughing hysterically): Oh, my God!

You're on... you're, like, on another level, Vinny!

Congratulations.

You've won over a complete imbecile.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Did you just speak ill of the man who busts his tail providing for you?

He spent my college fund on puppet clothes.

Hey, don't get fresh with me, Estudio.

That's not my name.

That's not even an Italian version of my name.

Oh, whatever.

Peter: Hey, Vinny, you want to see a puppet show?

They all got leather jackets!

God, what a jerk.

If this guy thinks he's sticking around, he's sorely mistaken.

I'm going to ruin him.

Just like I ruined that magician's act.

(applause)

People, people, people.

This man drives a Saturn.

All right, Rupert, I've been left with no choice.

I'm going to tell Vinny so much bad news about Italian-Americans that he goes into cardiac arrest.

Vinny, there you are.

I have some terrible news.

Sal Annuncio's kid was killed by a falling piano!

Oh! How could this happen?!

That kid was an honors student!

He'd just applied to SUNY Albany.

He just got in to SUNY Albany.

(groans): Oh!

This is too much, Stewie.

I can't take it.

Oh, my God, it's working.

Hey, Vinny, Bobby Lammaduro's kid just got out of the hospital.

He beat the cancer!

Oh, thank heavens.

Big man in the sky knows what he's doing.

Chris, what are you doing?

Call me a creep, you piece of crap!

Hey, Doonesbury, how about a joke that ain't for fancy millionaires?

(Stewie sniffling)

(sobbing)

(sobbing continues)

Stewie, what's with the waterworks?

Oh, um, um... I-I just...

I realized I paid too much for my muffler.

Come on, kid, quit crying.

You're gonna get your pants wrinkled.

What's the matter?

(sighs) Fine.

Do you want to know what's the matter?

You're the matter.

Everyone in this family is so damn thrilled with you, they've forgotten all about Brian.

Well, I'm not thrilled.

I'll never forget Brian.

He was my best friend.

You're not supposed to lose your best friend at my age.

You're not supposed to lose him ever!

Look, Stewie, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you're gonna be okay.

Yeah, right. How do you know?

Because, I once had a thing happen to me with some stuff.

Really? That's what's happening to me.

Stuff.

You know, before you guys found me at the shop, I lived with an old man named Leo.

It was just him and me in a tiny apartment, and we got pretty tight.

He kind of became my whole world.

By the time he passed away, it was real tough.

So, how did he die?

He tried to go to a yoga class, and on the first pose, his ball sack split in half.

Really?

Yeah, it was on Dateline.

It was a whole thing.

Anyway, I guess Leo was kind of like my Brian.

Well, so, how'd you get over him?

Well, I met your family in the pet store.

When I saw you guys looking for a dog, I kind of sensed you were all going through the same feelings of loss that I was.

And it made me think, hey, maybe I was meant to find these guys.

Maybe we were meant to be together.

You know what, Vinny?

I'm starting to think that may be true.

(chuckles) Bring it in, Stewie.

Hey, Stewie, now that we're pals, maybe you can answer me something.

Why does your living room smell so much like puke?

Somebody throw up a lot in there once?

Vinny, my friend, you got a lot of stories to catch up on.

I got most of them on DVD.

Oh, cool.

Like, by season and stuff?

(chuckles) No, not by season.

Boy, I can't remember the last time Stewie fell asleep this early.

Well, I think the little guy had a long day.

All right, come on, time for bed, Vinny.

I'll tell Peter to turn off the nightlight this time.

Peter: No! I need it for in case there's witches!

You know, actually, Lois, I think I'm gonna sleep in here with Stewie tonight.

Oh, well, isn't that nice.

Sleep tight, you two.

(yawns)

Good night, Vinny.

Good night, Stewie.

Hey, you guys know which room is Peter's?

Across the hall.

Ah, it's too bright in there. Never mind.