I Love Her

[ thunder crashing ] [ drilling, sawing ] [ electricity crackling ] lt's alive! Good morning, angels. ALL: Good morning, Charlie. Angels, do you know what l'm not wearing? ALL: Pants, Charlie. How did you know that, angels? ALL: lt's the same thing every day, Charlie. So you know what l'm gonna do next, angels. ALL: Yes. We'll wait, Charlie. [ yawns ] [ laughter ] BOTH: Wizzar! [ laughs ] Oh, how l hate those Monchhichis. What are we gonna do to 'em this time, boss? We should hide their bananas. We should put glue on the floor so they'll step in it! No! No more penny-ante bullshit. Turns out you can buy these almost anywhere. Ooh! That's better than what l had. Ha ha! We got you now, Monchhichis. Now what, you evil jerks? You can go free lf you make it to the other side! What's in the water? [ laughs ] You'll soon find out. [ machine-gun fire ] Wizzar, use your magic. My magic's no match for getting shot through the back of the head, you little asshole. [ laughs ] Hey, where's Moncho? [ growls ] Run away! l just wanted to put glue -- Ugh! You mother fucking Monchhichi! l taste applesauce. Why does everything taste like -- ugh! Well, let's walk out of here. [ chuckles ] You first. Wait! Uh, okay. l guess that way is safe, then. Stop! Nobody move! [ slurps ] Wait! Stop! [ chatters ] Gonker! [ chatter! Chatter! ] Wizzar, l'm gonna get you out of there, man! No! lf l'm gonna die, it's going to be on my terms! [ zap! ] [ splat! ] N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! Hi. What's your name? Moncho. Thanks for taking us down the river. No one else would. You want my advice? Go home. But we're making the world a better place. Fuck the world. l've got good news and bad news. The bad news is you've got prostate cancer. What's the good news? Well, as part of the treatment, you are in for a lot of ass play. l mean, so, if you're into that, jackpot! [ all screaming ] My friends! My friends! Oh, God, why did l survive and they didn't? Oh-ho! Oh, my face. Oh, you're sick! This is a madhouse! This is a madhouse!! Class, Professor Snape suffered a minor Potion accident [ boing! ] Not the desired effect. So please welcome your substitute teacher all the way from Las Vegas, the phenomenon himself -- Criss Angel! Hello, young magicians. Are you ready to get mindfreaked?! Magic is very simple when you balance your mind, body, and spirit right on the razor's edge. Yes, but, sir, will we be going over the answers to yesterday's homework? Here's the only answer you need, little lady. There are no answers! That textbook was 65 pounds! l'm sure it didn't weigh anywhere near that much. [ inhales sharply ] Mindfreak! [ industrial music plays ] [ air whooshing ] Now, how'd l do it? - You used a wire. - Wire! There's a wire and a pulley. l see it. [ squeaks ] Wrong. l merely freaked your mind! [ industrial music plays ] Field trip. Where did teacher go? [ industrial music plays ] [ horse neighs ] Mindfreak! That's right, students. When you no longer fear the extreme, you, too, can tame mythical beasts. That's not a unicorn. That's literally a pony you painted white. You clearly just hot-glued the horn to its head. ls that house paint? lt's a unicorn. Unicorns exist. They're real. We know they're real. There's one right over there. Oh, man, kids, l totally need that unicorn for my stage show at the Luxor Las Vegas. Unicorns belong in the wild. l can see your minds are not fully [crash!] Now, watch as l tame myth itself! Ohh! Aah!! That was thoroughly unenjoyable. Stupid muggle. Mindfreak! Sugar, spice, everything nice, and cocaine -- the recipe for perfect little girls who flip the fuck out! [ Boing! Boing! Boing! ] [ up-tempo rock music plays ] [ all cheer ] [ pop! ] [ music continues ] Glad to have you back, Cleborb. lt's a long, long trip home. Hope you can find a way to entertain yourself. [ pop! ] Freddy, why don't you wear that nice sweater Catherine got you for Father's Day? l'm not really a sweater guy. Oh, poo! She'll be so happy to see you wearing her gift. But it's itchy. And, Daddy, do you know where l got it? No, honey. The school bazaar. That's nice, honey. And you know what else, Daddy? l also bought you a hat. Oh, that's great, darling. Can you wear it now? Well, fedoras don't really go with sweaters, sweetie. - Yes, they do. - No, they don't. - Yes, they do. - No, they don't. Jesus Christ! What is this made of -- pubes?! l can't stop scratching this fucking sweater! [ crying ] Daddy doesn't like his gifts! l'm -- l'm sorry, honey. Daddy loves his gifts. Fucking itchy sweater. Fucking stupid school bazaar. Ohhh! Oh, Mary. That's the stuff! Hi, daddy. Hi, honey. You know what else l got you? No, honey. What? - A tie! - Wow! Thank you, sweetie. Can you wear it now? Ties definitely don't go with sweaters, sweetheart. Yes, they do. No, they don't. Yes, they do. Oh, for the love of God, stop shopping at school! No more hats, no more sweaters, no more school bazaars! [ all gasp ] No more crappy gifts! Oh, my God! That man is attacking our children! What? No, no, you've got it all wrong. lt's the gifts that l hate. Child abuser! [ all shout ] Wait, you don't understand! lt's an itchy sweater! Freddy Krueger! We have searched the mortal world for the angriest soul. We offer you the chance to be for all eternity! Aw, hell, if it gets me out of this mess, l'll take it. Just let me take off this itchy sweater. - lt is done! - What?! Not with the sweater and the fedora. Aw, co-- ohh! B-- well, at least l got my complexion. [ roaring ] [ gunfire ] [ grunts ] [ engine put-putting ] And now back to Living Lohan. Ali, who drank all the fucking orange juice? [ slurring ] l don't know, Mom. Maybe the fucking orange-juice fairy did it! Don't get smart with me! Don't you be a big raging bitch face! BOTH: l need a cigarette! Ugh! Why are all these cameras always invading my privacy?! Sorry, Cobra Commander, but your weather dominator, currently stuck on rain, apparently, is no match for the ninja skills of Snake-Eyes! Oops -- supposed to be me. [ laughs ] What are you doing? That is no concern of yours, civilian. ldentify yourself at once! Preferably with a clipable, saveable file card. l'm Ali Lohan. Duh! My mom and l just moved into your crappy neighborhood to shoot our TV show. lt's called Living Lohan. Aren't you a little young to be smoking? Aren't you a little fat to be fat? Knock, knock. Who's there? You love food. Honey, were you talking to the new neighbor? l think their dog's been pooping in our yard. What? Ohh! Poop. Go to hell, mom! l told you -- l'm not gonna be on your show! lt's demeaning to my career. l'm gonna try that again with like 10% more conviction, or possibly 1 ,000% ! [ doorbell rings ] Who in God's green smurf are you?! Madam, does it look like my name is Tripwire? Because as l am not the G. l. Joe Minesweeper, l would appreciate it if your dog didn't leave chocolate land mines all over my yard! Okay, nothing you said meant anything! Don't let your dog go poopy! Ohh. Ohh! [ laughs ] Ba da da dum-dum [ laughs ] Nice dump. Ahh! l'm just fermalizing the lawn. Aah! [ farts ] Bad dog! [ laughs ] Fire bolt! Fire bolt! Freeze arrow! Freeze arrow! Orc! Orc! Orc! l'm an orc! Gary's got to say -- not buying this at all, so Beep! Beep! Honk! Honk! l'm Herbie! Hey! Loud horn! Fuck you! Good job, Herbie. Uh, excuse me. This is a parallel universe where savagery meets sorcery. There is no Herbie. Herbie is magic! ldiot! Orc! Aah! Why are you always following me?! Follow me. And in this corner, it's Munson! Get out of here, Munson! Munson -- 1, gay crab -- 0. Stop it, Munson! Oh, how l hate you! Beep! Beep! [ romantic music plays ] Ooh -- a bad boy. Oh, a damaged chick with daddy issues. - Ow! - Hey, baby. l've got a Scion. l don't know what that is, but l hope it means penis! Too bad, mom! l love him! And l'm pregnant! Well, so am l. Oh, yeah? Well, your baby's gonna have cobwebs on it 'cause you're all old, and inside, your nodaries are all bunched up and dusty! Fuck you! Why didn't anyone pick me up after my fucking ultrasound? [ sighs ] Looks like l'm moving again. l'm the greatest mom in the world! Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-gawk! Bawk.