Roger's Baby

1 Come on. Come on. - [Ding] - Oh, my God! [Buzzer] [Trombone plays "wah wah wah wah" tune] Ugh, it's negative again. Where did you get a pregnancy test with sound effects? At Spencer's Gifts. It's also where I get my condoms. What, wait, you're you're wearing condoms while we're trying to get pregnant? They're joke condoms. They have a big hole in the end. I just wear them for the feel and the chuckles. You doof. I can't wait to have your big, doofy baby. [Laughs] I wanna have a babe with you, too, babe. [Pounding on door] Hey! Are you done in there? Get out, get out, get out! I went to Taco King! I can't do this in my bowl! Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, U. S. A. Oh, I'm sorry, honey. We know how much you want this. I don't know what's wrong. I've been eating right, exercising, taking all the vitamins. And I bought a butterfly net to catch the baby when he comes shooting out. We've been trying all kinds of different positions, too. The spider pretzel, the butter churner, the standing wheelbarrow. And my favorite, the breakfast for dinner. That's where I fry him an egg, and then we do it quite traditionally, from behind. Well, you must be doing something wrong. I got Francine pregnant on the first try. Bang, bang, chicken and shrimp! What's going on? I'm bored. I got nothin'. By the looks of your faces, you got nothin', too. God, it's so boring in this house. I'm bored. What's going on? Haley and Jeff are having trouble getting pregnant. Oh, good. This isn't boring. I could drop a bomb on this. See, Hayley's never going to get pregnant because Jeff's an alien. Boom! Wait, what?! Ever since Jeff got back from space, he's had an alien body. Only human part left is his brain. Ohh, that explains why my pee is slightly brighter than usual. And why I haven't slept in a year or even felt the need to. Yeah, that explains everything. Did I leave anything out, Stan? - You knew?! - Yes, but I couldn't tell anyone, because I'm an amazing secret keeper. - Well, why didn't you tell me? - That is also a secret. I know we weren't gonna say anything, Stan, but I got bored. Remember at Disney World how I got bored, so I tried to drown that fat lady on Pirates of the Caribbean? You guys went to Disney World without me? My boy Reggie is Pluto! He could've got you pineapple Dole Whips half-price, fool! My other boy Dante's got a sick condo in Daytona Beach. It's only a 90-minute drive from Disney World. And I got a hookup for Lightning tickets. Warm weather hockey you don't get that up here. Shut up, Klaus! I also have a boy in Jacksonville. I can't believe this. I'm married to an alien. I-I've been having sex with an alien. I don't see what the big deal is, Hayley. Lots of people sleep with aliens Lois Lane, Marvin the Martian's wife, every cable guy who's ever come to this house. But I don't feel like an alien. I feel like me. That's because you still have your stupid human brain. Hey, I love your stupid human brain, and I don't even care that you're an alien. Liberal. But [Sighs] I do wish we could have a baby. Well, you could have a baby if Jeff became human again, but that's impossible. Unless you gave his brain to a birthing alien on its heat cycle so Jeff could be reborn as a human. But you'd need to find a birthing alien here on Earth other than me, because I'm not doing it. Whew! Is it hot in here? I can't tell. I'm on my heat cycle. Anyway, impossible. Such a bummer. Gotta go. Bored again. My boy in Jacksonville's name is Leroy. He's a barback at Buffalo Wild Wings, and he says if we go down there, we might be able to party with the waitstaff. And then Marybeth Stephanie called me a "Hufflepuff"! Can you believe that?! I've been called some terrible things before, but never a Hufflepuff. That's stupid! You're totally a Ravenclaw. I know! But even though I was real peeved, I just said "thank you" because I didn't want to offend her. - You're a bit of a Hufflepuff. - Yeah, I'm a Hufflepuff. Are you Snot? Are you poor? Uh Because we're [Singsongy] Trish! And the Sizzle. And you're on "Morning Mimosa's" Both: "Three Happy Days"! Whoa, awesome! What? What's happening? What's happening is you just hit the jackpot, buddy. Every year on "Morning Mimosa," they surprise a poor kid with three happy days! You're poor, aren't you, Snots? Look at you! Of course you are. Come with us! Your first happy day starts now! Trish and Sues: [Chanting] Three happy days! Three happy days! Being poor is so weird. Like, when I think of tuna, I think of tuna from a fancy sushi place, and you think of tuna from a shitty can, - like a cat. - [Smack, thud] [Engine revs] Poor people are a lot like cats. Please, Roger, I really wanna be human again. And if that doesn't happen, we'll never have a baby. What if someone told you that you couldn't have what you wanted most in life? Jake Gyllenhaal? If somebody told me I couldn't have him, I-I don't even know what I Ah! That'd be awful! I'll be there for you the whole time, - every step of the way. - Well, I have always wanted them fat swangin' pregnancy tits. You would look great with those! I'll do it. I'll carry your Jeff baby. - Muchas gracias! - Oh, Thank you! Now how do we go about getting Jeff's brain? Aah! - [Gulping] - [Screaming] [Gulping continues] [Sucks] And now there's a 10% chance that I'm pregnant. Women: [Chanting] Three happy days! - Three happy days! - [Applause] That's right. Every year, the Sizzle and I help one poor kid with the saddest story. This year, we were faced with the biggest challenge we've ever had. Meet Snot Lonstein poor, yet Jewish. So for Snots' first happy day, we gave him a much-needed makeover. Meet the brand-new Snots! [Women screaming] Fabulous! Now let's bring out the person responsible for you being here today. Snot, meet your knight in shining armor, Steve Smith! You nominated me? Yeah, I did. I felt bad for you. You think it doesn't break my heart when we go to the movies and you bring that old jawbreaker in that sticky bag? Snot, don't you wanna thank Steve for nominating you? Let's see you All: [Chanting] Kiss his feet! Kiss his feet! [Cheers and applause] Where'd you find this doctor, anyway? We can't go to a regular doctor, so Klaus recommended this guy. Hello! I'm Dr. Kalgary. I see you are lesbians. Congratulations. Yep. I believe you are hoping for some good news. Just tell me I'm pregnant, Doc. Wait. I hear a heartbeat. That is very uncommon in my office. - I'm pregnant? - Oh, thank God! Let's take a closer look. [Both gasp] Thank you, Billy. And you are having - an adult man. - [Heart beating] Oh, my God! It's Jeff! I'm printing you a copy. Billy! Aah! It's okay. I got it. No, no. Let him get it himself. I'm getting stronger. [Groans] Everything hurts. And the cravings I want a cigarette and five shots of PatrÃ³n. Roger, you can't smoke or drink during your pregnancy. [Groans] Okay, but can't I just cook the tiniest bit of meth? It won't hurt nobody. Here, have some pickles instead. Oh, God, the smell! [Gags] Get that away from me! - But these are your favorite. - [Gags] - [Gasps] - [Retches] I think I missed a spot. [Retches] Ugh. This is disgusting. I'm disgusting, and I hate this thing! You! You did this to me! [Sobbing] I think if I had just a tiny bit of meth, - it'd settle my stomach. - No, Roger. [Baby voice] Just a widdle cwystal? [Lowered voice] With the help of his best friend, Steve, we're about to surprise Snots with his second happy day. Let's go! Oh, my! Sizzle? Trish?! Am I on Shut up! You're not part of this! - Wake up, wake up, wake up! - Huh? We're sending you and your best friend Steve to the water park! What do ya say, Snots?! I'll go, but not with Steve. I'll just take my mom. Oh, my God! Snots is so poor, he has to date his mom! Why aren't you taking me? I'm the reason you get to go to the water park - in the first place. - I don't wanna be pitied. I thought you would know that. It's so humiliating. How is this humiliating? Oh, my God! Is his pillow just a t-shirt stuffed with newspapers? [Whispers loudly] Dennis, get a shot of that. Roger, I got everything you asked for a turkey sandwich, that pillow you like, and binoculars so you can watch the gardener work across the street. Hmm. Ahh. Ahh. That feels nice. And this here tastes amaze. Ooh, I'd let that guy spread his seed on me. If he pulled my weed, I'd show him some "miracle grow. " Is that a Venus flytrap? Because my next pun depends on it. It's anus guy flap. So if you're good, I'm gonna go see a movie with Klaus. Oh. Is Klaus carrying your baby? Well, no. Oh, so the movie's carrying your baby. You're welcome to come with us. Klaus didn't invite me. Klaus thinks you hate him. I do hate him. I'd kill him if I could! Roger, you're you're very emotional because you're pregnant. You said you'd be there every step of the way! God, I'm so upset, I can't even finish this sandwich! [Crunching] You're starving me and the baby! I'm sorry! I'll do whatever you want! I want you to want to be here, and I want you to make me exactly the same sandwich you did before because you straight up killed it. [Sighs] Is it just me, or has Roger gone crazy? Hayley, how how many times have you been pregnant? None. How many times have I been pregnant? Four. Point is, I know what Roger's going through. All he wants is to feel appreciated. I'm trying the best I can. Try harder. He's carrying your husband, after all. Roger: Damn it, Hayley! I'm starving! Are you gonna make me suck the milk out of my own damn boobs?! Huh. [Slurping] Bring me some Oreos! [Slurping continues] Morning, Mimosa-nators. We're about to surprise Snots with his third happy day. Blow the door! - [Explosion] - You're back! - Uhh! - [Electricity crackles] Wake up, wake up, wake up It's time for your third hap Where the hell is he? I'm sorry, Snot. I screwed up, but I'm gonna get you out of this, I promise. [Alarm beeping] He's here! Aah! - [Gun clicking] - Run! [Clicking] Sues, we're not trying to kill him. We're just trying to give him his third happy day. Sorry. [Breathing heavily] I was just flashing back to Desert Storm. Okay, but you weren't in Desert Storm. You saw part of "Three Kings" on HBO. [Whispers] The part I saw was so powerful. [Groans] It's not time for my nap yet. Why are you bringing me upstairs? On "Goop," Gwyneth Paltrow says I should avoid stairs. "Goop" says I shouldn't exert myself. "Goop" says my ankles are weak. We should buy an elevator like "Goop" says. Both: Surprise! Oh, my God! A surprise baby shower?! You've been through a lot, Roger, and I wanted to do something nice for you. Well, as tough as it's been, I must say I've been a rock. Ooh! Presents! Happy baby shower, Roger! A Phish CD? It's Jeff's favorite band! That's so sweet, Mom. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. The baby is not gonna listen to this stoner garbage. He's above that. For him, it's only classical masters, like the "Indiana Jones" soundtrack. [Imitates "Indiana Jones" theme, whip snapping] Whatever. Dad, why don't you give Roger your present? It's Jeff's hat. I got it out of the closet. I forgot we were doing this. Yuck! The baby won't be wearing hats, not when he has access to my wigs. Roger, that's Jeff's favorite hat. He wears it all the time. Not anymore, he won't. Are there more presents? Tell me there are more presents. Well, I didn't know if it was going to be a boy or a girl, so I got you this. Oh, yes! A sparkly sequined onesie! This is perfect for the baby! It's all I've ever wanted for him, to be sawed in half at a magic show. Thank you, Klaus. You're the only one who knows what my baby wants. Get over yourself, Roger! It's not your baby! It's my Jeff! Oh, it's your Jeff, is it? Well, what your Jeff needs is his mother me. You know what he doesn't need? You! And come to think of it, I don't need you either. - Where the hell are you going? - I'm outta here, bitch. I'm raising this baby on my own. And you know what? His name's not Jeff anymore. It's Tristan! I figured it out! This diaper has Snickers in it. Dad, we weren't playing that game. Where'd you find that? [Birds chirping] Guys, Roger's out there, God knows where, walking around with Jeff inside him. [Scoffs] Or should I say Tristan? Hayley, relax. Tristan's a great name. We should've named Steve Tristan. Pregnant mothers just get emotional. And they stay emotional! Up top. Don't look at me, Stan. I love women. I respect them too much. [Scoffs] Please. Is it too late to side with you, Stan? Let's go find Roger. Who knows what he could be doing right now? [Tune of "Papa Don't Preach" playing] Hayley, I know you're gonna be upset 'Cause you need me to birth human Jeff But you should know by now That I'm a bit crazy You helped to show me what I want My goal in life is to be a mom We're in this, him and me And I don't need Hayley Hayley, don't preach I'm in trouble deep Hayley, don't preach I need booze to sleep And I made up my mind I'm keeping my baby I'm gonna keep my Tristan Mmm, mmm [Song ends] Excuse me, ma'am. Will you be making a purchase with us today? [Laughs] No, no, I will not. [Engine revving] [Tires screech] - [Brakes squeal] - Go around, Mike! [Tires peal] Aw, crud. [Grunting] Looking for this? Oh, no! How did you find me? This is where I ran off to when I was pregnant. It's the "Go-to motel for scared pregnant women. " I read your Yelp review. Why'd you run away? To think about the most important decision of my life whether or not I was going to keep you. Oh, hey! Is that the coin I flipped? Roger, I'm sorry. This whole time, I was so focused on getting Jeff back, I forgot how much this was affecting you. So I got you this. [Gasps] Now you can match Jeff or Tristan, whatever you wanna call him. We are in this together. Let's call him Jeff! I'm starting to think "Tristan" is a gay lion's name. Ready to come home? Okay, just let me grab my Aah! Aah! Roger! Your eyes are bleeding! The baby! What? What's wrong with the baby?! Bleeding eyes means the baby's coming! I thought you read the book I got you! I did! But it was just David Blaine's life story. Oh, yeah, well, I was right to give you that book. It's awesome. Pretty cool. He was bullied as a kid and then made himself into one of the most popular magicians in the world. Speaking of magicians, did you know Criss Angel lives on the top floor of the Luxor? - Do you think he has a book? - I-I don't know. Shut up, you babbling bitch! I'm having a baby here! [Tires screeching] [Tires screech] [Tires screeching] [Brays] [Tires screeching] No one escapes the third happy day! [Both screaming] [Screaming] Childbirth really hurts! I have so much respect for Michelle Duggar now, which is saying something, because I already considered her one of the most accomplished women of her generation. Aah! Stay strong, Roger. Keep pushing. This is punishment for all the bad things I've done, like the time I took those blind people to that noisy warehouse and told them they were at the World Series. I sold them $12 beers I bought for $8, and when they were super drunk, I made their team lose in the bottom of the 9th and broke their dumb, blind hearts. Keep pushing! [Screaming] - [Pop] - He's here! [Crying] Congratulations! It's a strange thing. Why's he so small? I thought he was coming out full grown. What's wrong? Oh, it's like one of those sponge dinosaurs. He'll get bigger once we add water. Can I Can I see him? - [Purring] - Hey, buddy. Roger! My mouth is super juicy for this very purpose. - Babe. - Jeff, it's you! Aw, give him here. I need to do skin-to-skin contact right away. He's not latching. I disown this child. I'm sorry these three happy days have been so terrible. Actually, today's been pretty good. What? You twisted your ankle, we almost died in a freezing river, and now we're hiding in a storm drain that smells like a dead body. Yeah, but I wasn't poor, and you weren't middle class. We were just two best friends, running for our lives. Come here. Whoa. I feel it, too. This is a hell of a moment. No, it's just I know why it smells like a dead body in here. I'm not dead. Just because I don't conform to your conventional standard of beauty doesn't mean I'm dead. You know all those magazine covers are Photoshopped, right? Both: Aah! Scared of what a real woman looks like?! So after everything with Roger, I realized, there's so much more to having kids than I ever thought, and I don't know if they're ready for that. Well, having just been born, I feel I'm a little young to have a baby. Guys, I finally added up the bill for being your surrogate. Food, parts, labor, loss of other income, all totaled you owe me a ride to the mall.