For Black Eyes Only

Previously on American Dad Good evening, Tearjerker. Smith, Stan Smith. Didn't really ask who you were, but okay. Hello again, Mr. Smith. Will you marry me? Face it, Tearjerker. You've jerked your last tear. I'll be back, Mr. Smith. Oh, Stan, this vacation cottage is wonderful! Only the best for my former whore of a new bride. Yello? Agent Smith, the world needs your help again. There's a new villain who Sir, I'm on my honeymoon. But, Stan Want me to go downtown? All the way downtown, to the worst neighborhood on my body. I could suck your toes all day. I love you, Stan Smith. I love you, Sexpun Tocome Smith. You've made me the happiest man in the world. Hello, Stan Smith. Who are you?! Black Villain. I've never heard of you. Uh, because I'm up-and-coming. But I'm gonna make a name for myself by killing you! Oh, damn. You killed my wife! You look ridiculous. You wouldn't be using my hammer, would you, Murphy? Oh, and what if I was, brother Cillian? I suppose I'd have to do something 'bout it. Oh, and pray tell, what would that be? Come on, guys, break it up. Shut up, apprentice! Me hammer! There you are, Smith. We've been looking for you. Did you ever think that I didn't want to be found? We need you back, Smith. Something big and bad is about to happen, and I want my best man on it. I'm out of the spy business, sir. That all died when Sexpun did. What if I told you that you could catch the man who killed your wife? Black Villain? That's right. He's resurfaced. The memories are so fresh and clear. It was after that that I started working with those Irish roofers. And then you came here and asked me if I wanted to catch Black Villain. And then I said yes. Wait, wait-- did you say yes? Is this now or is this you remembering? How do I know I'm not a memory?! I need to know what's real! Relax, sir. I'm in. All the way in. Or as much of me as you can handle. Sassy. Peacenickel, how am I to know if my strikes are effective if you keep blocking them? Hah! Ah, Smith, welcome. That'll be all, Peacenickel. Dude. Here's the intel we have so far on Black Villain. He's as evil as he is frugal. He would've conquered the world long ago if he could've figured out how to do it at a reasonable cost. Now it appears he's found a way. We have reason to believe that he's planning a massive attack on the Eastern seaboard. Nukes? We're not sure. What we do know is that he's stolen millions of pounds of sand. He's also acquired a crap-load of hair dryers. Hair dryers? Yes. The cheap bastard issued a fake recall to every salon in the U. S., saying hair dryers would make you heterosexual. They came flooding in. What is that monster up to? That's what you need to find out. Which is why you'll be partnered with someone who also wants revenge on Black Villain: Tearjerker. Tearjerker?! But he's dead! Why would you think that? Because he fell in a volcano. As long as you fall the right way, a volcano can never hurt you. Everyone knows that, even babies. Right? I I didn't know that. After Tearjerker escaped the volcano, he partnered up with Black Villain, only to have Black Villain immediately double-cross him. That's how Tearjerker ended up in a maximum-security prison on Easter Island. So you'll have to break him out. How? That prison is impenetrable. We'll get you in, but you'll need this sandwich to get him out. What am I supposed to do with that? Just get Tearjerker to eat it. I'll do the rest. All right, Smith, off you go. Make sure you check in as soon as you Capital thrust, Peacenickel. That went clean through my abdomen. Smith, take our picture. Quickly now, before I lose my erection. You got a visitor, Tearjerker. Are they hot or not? Hot! Phillip, you think everyone's hot. Name one person you don't think is hot. Ha! See? You can't do it! Hello, Tearjerker. Stan Smith. You got some set of marbles coming to see me. I need your help. You need my help? I'll never help you. I'm going after Black Villain. I will help you. Okay, then. First thing we need to do is get you out of here. Good luck. This place is locked down tighter than a friendship bracelet around your mom's fat-ass wrist. Ha, just kidding, your mom has no friends! Ho-ho! Now eat this. Why? Just do it. You haven't said a thing about my paintings. Aside from the Havarti cheese, this sandwich was a total bust. I guess that was a magnet sandwich. Looks like we're partners now. Yeah, you and me, we're gonna take Black Villain down! Ow! What are you doing?! We're on the same side now! Oh, right. Partners. Yes, right. That that will take some getting used to. If we want to catch Black Villain, we have to find his top henchman, Tchochke Schmear. He has a booth here every other Sunday. Wait, I thought Tchochke was your henchman. He was. But then I went to jail, and I guess he didn't want to wait for me. Some henchmen just can't do the "alone" thing. I get it. Whatever. I mean, it hurts and it makes no sense to me and it never will, but I get it. Just one of those things I'll never get, you know. Yeah. Ooh! Should I buy this? This old picture of this guy? Wh-Why would I buy this? Talk me out of buying this. I'm buying this. You know, you never said how Black Villain double-crossed you. You know how Tommy Bahama's is the best store? Well, we were gonna open a competing place called Johnny Cabo. But instead, Black Villain shot me in the face and turned me in for molesting my high school gym teacher. That's right. I flipped it on him. Every ceramic frog is $80. How about this one? Tchochke Schmear. Well, well, if it isn't Tearjerker. With Stan Smith. So, you two are working together? What's next? Janeane Garofalo hanging out with commercial success? That was a '90s slam! Tell us where Black Villain is! I'm not telling you anything! I'll save you, Tchochke! Tearjerker! Same side! Right, right. Damn it. Sorry. All right, all right, I'll tell you. The thing you don't know about Black Villain's whereabouts that I do is Looks like we're going to Detroit. It's been two hours. Why don't we just ask them about the woman who shot Tchochke? Because you don't just walk into a place like this and start asking questions. You got to play it cool. Oh, yeah, no, I knew that. Look, you didn't know it and it's fine. Just let them talk and eventually they'll tell us what we need to know. I hope you told Craig to shut up. You know I did. And I'm done with him. And he better not show up at Black Villain's house party tonight. Mm-hmm. We get to that house party, we get to Black Villain. Then what're we waitin' for, fools? Let's get to that party! Craig, what are you doing here? Yeah. Shonteeva doesn't want to see you, man. She hates your ass. Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. Guys, guys, come on, now. Y'all don't know my side of the story. Let's hear your side, Craig. Oh, I cheated on her. But you haven't heard why. Why, Craig? 'Cause I felt like it. Let's split up. Any sign of Black Villain, you come find me. You got it, partner. No! No! Aah! No stab! Aah! Detroit tap water! That's the woman who shot Tchochke. Out of all the girls here I "pick" you. I know you didn't just touch my hair. Sexpun! You're alive! Except you're Damn, Black Villain, why'd you have to park so far away? It's all meters around here. I'm not paying for that when there's free parking at the library three miles away. Sexpun is that really you? No, that's a clone I made of Sexpun. I call her Sexpunequa. She's just like the original, but better. I blacked her up. Blacked her up good. Sexpun, it's me, Stan. I missed you so much. Did you miss me? Fool, I just told you that's not Sexpun. She does not know you. Do you even know what a clone is? Yeah, I know. Look, you don't know and it's fine. Mind the curb. You know, for a big-time super spy, you sure get knocked out easy. That's not true! Take it back! Take it back, I said. Where am I? What's going on? You're gonna die. But first, you want to do that thing where the bad guy tells the good guy his plan before he kills him? Sure. I got all these hair dryers on a polar ice cap in the Arctic Ocean. I got extension cords leading from the hair dryers to my house in Detroit. Once I plug them in, the cap's gonna melt, causing a tidal wave to head right for the U. S. You're insane. Yeah. The tidal wave should come all the way to Detroit. That's what the sand's for. I'm gonna dump all of it on my street and let the water come right up to it. Bam! Beachfront property, y'all. Millions of people will be killed. And I will weep for those people as I drink my beer that's in a paper bag because there won't be open containers on my beach. Can't change all the laws. You'll never get away with this. My partner's gonna come get me. And there he is. On cue! Tearjerker. Same side! No, not this time. This time, it's a double-cross. I love old factories. You get the sense that so much work was done here. We don't work like that anymore. "Let the Asians do the work," we say. What are you going to do to me? Well, first, I'm gonna do this. Ugh! Yeah, Havarti. You got me back into it. That's on you. Second, we're gonna run you through this. Get me off this crazy thing! Where's Black Villain? You can't stop Black Villain. He's a criminal mastermind, who will carry out his plan at any cost. Yeah, I just bought this eight-dollar surge protector and I want to exchange it for the six-dollar one. The six-dollar protector is for preferred customers only. I am a preferred customer. You got a preferred customer card? It's at home. I need it to get you the preferred customer price. Can I use your customer card? I'm not very comfortable with that. Come on, you still get the purchaser points, man. I just want the discount. Oh, it's like that, huh? I hope they take purchaser points in hell! How could you do this to me? You used to be my wife! I don't even know who the hell you are. Sexpun, I know you're in there somewhere. Come on, don't you remember? We had a life together. That's insane. No, I'll prove it. Reach under my shirt and look in my gentleman's locket. So I look like some dead white girl. So does Madonna. Who cares? I hope the ocean is as blue as it is in my dreams. I don't see any fish. That's because you talk too much! I can't believe I've come all this way just to be defeated. Defeated. My feet! Suck on my feet. Not you, Tearjerker! Hell, no! I'm not sucking those nasty-ass feet. Come on, you never could resist these. You're out of your damn mind. Am I out of my mind or out of my socks? Oh, yeah, that's better. You better put those back. Well you are about to die. That's right. This is your last chance to get a taste of these piggies. Oh, my God. I remember it all. We had a life together! What? No. You're just repeating what he said ten minutes ago. No, he's right. I'm Sexpun. I'm his wife. We were in love. We are in love. That's not how cloning works. You're a completely different person. You are so dumb! Yeah? Would a dumb person do this? Yes! I'm totally telling on you. Oh, I forgot to tell you. I'm here to pull the plug on your plan, Black Villain. You had to know I was gonna use the cloning thing for something besides turning a white girl black. Can you watch where you're going? Can you go yourself? Yes! It worked! I can't believe he did it. Good-bye, Stan Smith. Sexpunequa, you're so fine, I'm gonna give you another chance. I'd rather die with him than be with you. Doesn't matter. I've got like 40 more of you in my daddy's garage. And they do way more dirty stuff than you do. Oh, yeah. Grab Tearjerker now! Turn it on, S! Oh, damn. No! Wait, why are we saving you? You betrayed us. Aah! Ha! I survived a volcano. You don't think I can survive this? Mmm Smith, congratulations on taking down Black Villain. Well, it was probably my toughest assignment yet. I trust the president will be presenting me with a medal of some sort. Actually, the president is dead, half the U. S. is underwater and millions have perished. So, maybe just enjoy that beachfront cabin in Iowa, yes? Smith? Smith?