The Wandering Juvie

Where are your clothes for the gentleman who is big and fat? The basement, sir. Woo-hoo! Homer, before you get anywhere near the escalator, you've gotta tie those shoes. Homer! Ow! So many shoppers! Damn this... Ow! Resilient economy! (SCREAMS IN PAIN) (SIGHS) (LISA GROANS) This is our Little Hooker line. All the girls your age are wearing it, except the freakishly unpopular. But I'm eight years old! So is your look. Are you aware that you've exposed your skin to a whole host of airborne de-beautifiers? No. This dermal magnifier will show the extent of the damage. (GASPS) (GROWLING) (SCREAMS) He's eating my beauty! Mmm-hmm. Skin mites love the taste of beauty. Try this rejuvenating lotion. It contains over 60 ingredients. Ooh! (MOANING) I hope he didn't have children. Did he have children? Millions of them! (GRUMBLES) (HOMER HUMMING) Sir, other customers need to use that dressing room. Dressing room? Uh-oh. Edna, we don't need wedding china. The dishes mother won on Let's Make a Deal are holding up nicely. Seymour, if we register for these dishes, our wedding guests will buy them for us. And I suppose those wedding guests will also pay for dishwashing liquid, heated water and two-sided sponges? (SCOFFS) Silent anger, the cornerstone of a successful marriage. (HUMMING) Cool. Guns. Die, happy couples. (IMITATES GUN FIRING) That's not a toy, son. It's a barcode reader. It registers wedding gifts. Bull-honky. No. Not bull-honky. A couple uses the gun to select gifts they want for their wedding. Bart: Wow. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to the employee lounge to finish my Shasta. Hmm... "Name of groom," Bart Simpson. "Name of bride," Lotta Cooties. (LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY) (BEEPS) (WHITE WEDDING PLAYING) It's a nice day for a white wedding. It's a nice day to start again (LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY) (MUSIC STOPS) A fake wedding? That's what I call chutzpah! Yeah. I'm gonna scam this town out of so many presents. And what I don't use, I'm gonna return for store credit! (SINGING) ♪ Store credit, store credit, store credit ♪ (SIGHING) Another employee family wedding. What's the traditional peasant gift in these parts? A milking cow? Actually, silverware is all that's left on the registry. I'll see if Lenny wants to go in on a spoon. Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town. I am your niece, Uncle Joe. Good Lord, I'm an abomination! (LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY) This prank is my Sgt. Pepper's. I see neither blushing bride nor ardent swain! There is no wedding here! (ALL GRUMBLING) Oh, my God! We're sealed in! Nobody breathe my air! Get your own! (BREATHING HEAVILY) Why you selfish little maggot, I'll suck your lungs dry! Knock it off! (ALL BREATHING HEAVILY) Man: Okay... (ALL FAINTING) Yes! (CHUCKLES) So, you thought you'd pull a fake wedding, eh? You're under arrest. Come on, Chief. It was just a prank. Would some flatware make things right? Um, what does it say on my badge? (READING) Let's go. (BART SIGHS) Bart, the record of your mischief is staggering. Just look at this file. That doesn't look so big. These are the instructions to the facility where Bart's criminal record occupies three full storage lockers. Six feet by eight? No six by 14! (ALL GASP) Bartholomew J Simpson, I hereby sentence you to six months at the Springfield Juvenile Correctional Facility. Juvie? Please, Judge. You can't! I'll do anything. I'll squeal on my dad. He's been up to bad things. Crap you've never even thought of. We've already got an informer working deep cover on your father. One he'll never suspect. Is it Lenny? Damn it! I mean, no. (GRUNTS) Now, take that kid away. No! You're not going to take my baby to jail! (STRUGGLING) All right, boys. She's not letting go. Make the switch. (RALPH HUMMING) (MARGE SOBBING) Your eyes need diapers. Your eyes need... That's good, Ralphie. One slingshot, one pack of cards, baseball, one doodle. (READING) One harmonica. Perfect mood setter for the end of your freedom. (PLAYS HARMONICA) Lessons by mail, worthwhile. (SOBBING) My baby boy is in jail. I'm the worst mom in the world. It's not all your fault. All these years, I watched you turn our son into a time bomb, and yet I did nothing. So in a way, I too am a victim... Of you. You're a great mom. You were always there for Bart with love and support. His acting out was probably caused by negative reinforcement. Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler! (SCOFFING) (SCOFFS) Just because you've done time at juvie, doesn't mean the world has given up on you. See for yourself the exciting careers that wait for you upon your release. (ALL GASP) These are all fast food jobs. Ex-cons are a godsend to employers like me. If you ask for a raise, I just call your parole officer, and back in the can you go! (LAUGHING) (THE ITCHY & SCRATCHY SHOW THEME PLAYING) (All) Yay! (SIGHS) Cartoons. America's only native art form. I don't count jazz 'cause it sucks. Freedom! Bloodshed! I declare an end to the spectacular 3-D blood and gore! (All) Yay! They cut all the good parts! I've lost everything I loved. (GRUNTING) Okay. If I use my head, I can keep out of trouble. I better stay out of the sandbox. I could be buried alive. Maybe the slide. Don't forget to buy your photos! I'll just hang out next to the girls' juvie. Hello, ladies. I'm Gina. You touch my fence again, and your puberty's gonna be very boring. (GRUNTS) (ALL LAUGHING) God, I hate this place. It's nothing like the brochure. It's horrible in here. The boys beat me up. The girls beat me up. Now, sweetie, you shouldn't hang around with people who beat you. They're not true friends. Time's up! My poor boy is miserable in here. There has to be something I can do to help him. Oh... interesting. Marge, what does that sign say? So, why do you want to be a guard here? I believe that children are the future. Unless we stop them now! Welcome aboard. This end's for beatin'. This end's for holdin'. Ah. When does training start? It just finished. (Boy) Catch! Jump! Bart: That's my doll! (GRUNTS) Keep away! Keep away! Homer: Put that sissy down! If you're gonna pick on someone, why don't you pick on someone much bigger than you with a gun? Dad? That's right. I got a job here, so I can watch over you like a mother hen. His dad's a screw! I sure am. Here you go, Son. I brought you a lollipop from the guards' lounge. Not so tough now, huh? Homer: Yeah. (BUZZING) Well, that's the end of my shift. See you Monday. Wait. Monday's Martin Luther King Day. Well, I'll see you when I see you. Love you! (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) This lollipop's really for everybody. Studies show the part of the brain that remembers dance steps is also the anger center. So juveniles who know how to fox-trot are 10% less likely to commit a double homicide. Who conducted this study? The institute of shut-your-fat-face! Now, pair up. He's mine. Him? Why? I like 'em small and bug-eyed. You two will dance, and you'll like it. Then you'll have punch, and you'll drink it. Then your eyes will meet, and it will be awkward. So help me, God! (COCKS GUN) (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, here's my rules. Hands at 10 and two, no eye contact and I don't want to hear how pretty I look. Don't worry. You won't. D'oh! (GRUNTING) We're gettin' outta here. Whoa! (ALL GASP) They're escaping! Seal the perimeter! I'm on it! Can't you go any faster? I can close it faster or I can close it right. Can't you do both? Talk to the union. (SIREN BLARING) I'm getting out in two weeks. Why would I want to break out with you? (SWOONING) Well, you do look pretty in the moonlight. (GRUNTS) (DOGS BARKING) Hey, guard! Help! Help! (MUMBLING) Guess where the next one's going. Up my butt? Why did you kiss me? Are you looking to do the Bartman? Hey, I'm only sticking with you till I get these chains off. And if we get caught, I'm telling them this was your idea. Yeah. Why would they believe you? Because I can do this. (SOBBING) That mean boy, he dragged me out of the dance. I didn't want to go, but he was too strong! But you got 20 pounds on me. And then, he said I was fat! Oh, I am screwed. You bet you are. Now as long as we're together, I expect you to be a man. But I have to wizzle. Fine. (GRUNTS) I miss prison. I am not chipping in on a birthday cake for that jackass, Arnie Pye. Let him eat... This is Kent Brockman live at Springfield Juvenile Hall, the scene of a daring escape by inmates Bart Simpson and Gina Vendetti. (ALL GASP) To understand the mind-set of the escapees, we've brought in an expert, former under-aged offender, Snake. If they're smart, Kent, they'll stay off the main roads. It's all here in my book, Ten Habits of Highly Successful Criminals. All right, I plugged your book. Now, put down the gun. Tell them I'll be on Conan Thursday with Heather Locklear and Third Eye Blind. Why would Bart escape if he's gonna be released in two weeks? You just don't understand boys. He's stupid! But he won't know where to go or what to eat! Relax. What's the worst that could happen? You shall marry my daughter, Moonhilda. I can't wait to lay my eggs in his brain. No son of mine will be marched down the aisle at the barrel of a ray gun! Let's go! (DOOR SLAMS) So why'd they send you to juvie? Shoplift a scrunchie? Get bent. I pushed Snow White over the parapet at Disneyland. Bart: Oh, man. Did she live? Yeah. But it's not a good life. Gina, before we get any closer, there's something you need to know about me. I think girls are icky pants. It took a lot of courage to say that. Courage I'm gonna pinch outta you. (GIGGLING) Say, Cletus, have you seen a couple of kids go by? I don't have such a good memory since I drank my thermometer. But I whittles what I sees. (BANJO MUSIC PLAYING) Is this them? It sure is. We're on the right track. What are you making now? Oh, sometimes I whittles the future. Hmm... Great. I can get these handcuffs off before. I get a full-blown case of the cooties. Bart, I can't believe you don't know this, but there's no such thing as cooties, cootie shots, cootie force fields or cootie insurance. But State Farm took my money. When we split up, where are you gonna go? Don't worry. My family will hide me until the heat's off. Wow. Your parents are cool. Oh, man. There's a line. You keep your ink hole shut about this. We're free! We're free! Bart, I'm gonna miss you so much. Hey, the next time my mom asks me to help around the house, I could come live with your family. (GRUNTS) Don't get fresh with me, jerk! Take it from a blacksmith, that girl's trouble. That girl's nuts. First she likes me, then she hates me. I've already forgotten how ugly she is. I'd better eyeball that ape one more time. (SCREAMING IN PAIN) (GASPS) (Clancy) God! (SOBBING) What's up? Don't you want to get back to that awesome family of yours? What are you crying about? How cool they are? Oh. I know you're sad now. But surely your incredible family will cheer you up. (CONTINUES SOBBING) Wait. Do you even have a family? No, I don't! They're imaginary, like your brain! I understand. You don't understand anything! (GRUNTING) You're such a psycho! Mama's boy! Future skank! Family guy! Well, well, well, if it isn't Punch 'n' Juvie. Plant the evidence on 'em, boys. Chief, we don't have to. These ones are actually guilty. Super. Makes our job that much easier. Oh, Bart, my troubled little lamb. You'll be in jail for so long. But I'll keep your room just the way it was, a pigsty. Son, I want you to know no matter what anyone says, there's no shame in being caught alive. Take a good long look at the innocent love in your son's eyes. Because when he gets out of prison, it'll be gone forever. He will have a great bod though. And a couple of those teardrop tattoos. Those are cool. There's something I have to tell you guys. Now, look, my fly is down because it's broken, okay? No. It's something else. Bart, she took all the responsibility for the escape. You're free to go. But the kid's still got time on his sentence, Chief. Look, if you all want to squeeze into the backseat, fine. With my box kite. Oh, forget it. Welcome back, Gina. I got a few new cellmates for you. That's cool. I wouldn't feel right going to the bathroom with no one watching. (GASPS) I thought you might want to have a nice family dinner. We're having "Make Your Own Taco" night. Gina, thanks for showing us the meaning of Christmas. And thanks for showing my brother that girls can be cool. Who is this nerd? Taco, please. Well, my shift's over. I guess it's back to my bachelor apartment, make a tuna sandwich, turn on Will & Grace and cry myself to sleep. (MARGE SIGHS) Would you like to join us? Didn't you hear me? I've got an evening planned!