Stan of Arabia: Part 1

[Chorus ] # Good morning, U. S. A. Hey! Gimme a chance to emerge! - Oh, look. You stained the sleeve! - I'm sorry. Oh! Sorry's useful. Sorry's not a Shout Wipe, is it? Men, this is the most difficult mission we've ever faced. The target? Our boss, Deputy Director Bullock. We've got to plan a surprise party honoring his 25 years at the C. I. A. ! Oh, Ernest and Julio Gallo, you make a glorious wine and a handsome couple. Francine! Roger, haveyou seen Francine? Not since she came back from the store with this. Look at its magnificent size! I'm completely off my ass, and I'm barely down to the label! Come on, Hayley! You're goin' to the movies with Jeffanyway. -Just gimme a ride! - You know the rule. [ Sighs ] You're the most environmentally conscious self-actualized feminist in the world. - And? - And I'm a douche bag. Bye, Dad. We're goin' to see the new Michael Moore documentary. Michael Moore? Oh, you mean Michael Bin Laden! America is the greatest country in the world! Nay, the universe! Ifthat whiny troublemaker doesn't like it he can pack up his admittedly pithy baseball caps and take a slow Prius to Canada! - Hayley, I forbid you to see that movie! - [Tires Screeching] Damn! She took my gold card. And my lucky condom from 1 0th grade! Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. There's my clever little shopper. Oh, this four-literjug- screamin'! Francine, good news. I'm in charge of planning Bullock's party which means you're in charge of planning Bullock's party. - It's on Saturday night. - You planned a party for Saturday? - That's opening night of my play! - Play? What play? I'm in the Langley Players production of Beautyand the Beast. I play the teapot. It's kind of an important role. The teapot is everything! Without Mrs. Potts, the Beast would have killed himselfyears ago! I'm sorry. This story is rather personal to me. Forwho could ever love a beast? Francine, this is the first I'm hearing ofany play. No, Stan. It isn't. I aced the play audition! Play rehearsals are going well. We got the playbills today at the playhouse ofthe play I'm in! "Mama, there's a girl in the castle. " [ In British Accent] "Now, Chip, I won't haveyou makin' up such wild stories. " Uh, I'd hit the you, not the wild. It's better. - Mmm. Doesn't ring a bell. - Well, too bad. I'm doing the play. - It's important to me. - And this party is important to me. - I forbid you to do that play! - You forbid me? Ha! Hey! I "forbidded" you! [Michael Moore's Voice ] I'm visiting Sarah Swanson whose husband would still be alive today if her H. M. O. had approved a medically vital operation. Hey, that's Angelina Jolie! I thought this was a documentary. - [ Crying ] - [Moore's Voice-over] Even though I was ajournalist I knew I had to comfort her. [ Both Moaning ] I don't believe it! Michael Moore has sold out? -Jeff, that's a corn dog! We're vegetarian! - Still? God! Is there no integrity left in America? Come on, Steve. We're leaving. Two more buttons! Two more buttons! - Usher! There's a little kid, alone, in an R-rated movie! - Aah! Oh, no. I'm about to lose my coverage. No! Francine, hurry up! We'll be late for my boss's party! What the- Shut the trunk. I'm sneaking into the drive-in. Francine, you've gotten so fat! Stan! This is my costume for the play! - Our performance is tonight. - Play? What play? This is the first I'm hearing of any play. Go get ready for the party. Look, Stan. I don't have to do whateveryou say. Marriage is an equal partnership! - [DoorSlams ] - One ofthese days, Francine! One of these days! Right in the kisser! [ Chattering ] Hey, Agent Smith. JayLeno. Yourboss readyto be roasted? Oh, I guess so. I was hoping my wife would show up before you went on. Ooh! Wife not here to support you? Guess we know who wears the pants in your fam- [ Snaps, Thud ] Oh, oh, I'm sorry,Jay. I'm sorry. Wake up. Wake up, funny man. - Wake up. Wake up, damn you! - [ Snap ] Oh, oh, I'm sorry,Jay. I'm sorry. Uh, ladies and gentlemen,Jay Leno has come down with a broken neck so I'll be doing the roast. Luckily, I have his hilarious jokes. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Okay, moving on. Uh, funny insult comedy- Uh, soyou know how Bullock prides himself on knowing everything? Well, he didn't know his mother had cancer until itwas too late to operate. - [ Gasps ] - [ Laughs ] Ah, what else? Oh, we all know Bullock's wife is a hostage in Fallujah, right? Well, that hasn't stopped him with the ladies. Especiallythe big 'uns. Oh, yeah! He's an Asian chubby chaser. [ Chuckles, With Asian Accent] Oh, him so horny! [ Slowly] So horny! Damn it! If Francine had been here, she could have started a wave oflaughter. Laughter is infectious, like smallpox or gay. She wants to be equal partners? Well, I say, "No way!" # I don't want a partner I want a wife # # Someone who's happy taking care of my life # #Where's my Edith Bunker # # Laura Petrie Wilma Flintstone # I would never let Archie go to a party alone. Please,just take whatyou want and leave! - Arewe gonna die, Mommy? - Yes, Brandy. - I'm not going to fireyou, Smith. - Oh, really? No. I'm going to promote you. It will requireyou and yourfamilyto relocate. Relocate? Wait a minute! This isn't a promotion! All right, everyone stay calm. We may be in Saudi Arabia, but that doesn't mean we have to panic or blameyour mother. Just stay close, so we don't leave ourselves open to an ambush. Dad, that is so ignorant. Hey, these people are extremists. That's not ignorance. That's fact. Quick! Coveryour mouths! That's how they enteryour body to lay their eggs. Bullock can't hold a grudge forever. I'll call him every hour until he gives me my old job back. I think this is an opportunity to really breathe in a culture that's so different from- - [Explosion ] - Roll 'em up. - How come all the women are dressed like ninjas? - They're wearing abayas. Saudi women aren't objectified like women in Western cultures. The beauty myth doesn't exist here. It doesn't exist in Idaho either. Why couldn't we go there? Talk about a bunch of dogs. Oh, good, a Shwarma King. I'm starving. Pull over, Stan. Areyou insane? We're not stopping for their food! Next, you'll want to use their bathrooms. I'll be damned ifI'm going to use their sandpaperytoilet scrolls on my proud American button! Come on! We're hungry! Pull over. God, you women are driving me crazy. I guess what I want doesn't matter. Ifthey have Mr. Pibb, get me a medium! Uh, Director Bullock, Stan Smith. Calling to apologize about the roast again. I only said those things because I was dehydrated and exhausted. It happens. Just google Martin Lawrence, plus "arrested," plus "jogging. " Eh, guess you forgot to unpack me in the car. Good thing I remembered to drop a deuce in your nylons, huh? I need a drink. Where's the booze? There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country. Seriously, where's the booze? Francine, I have to report to my new assignment. Now, I've installed extra locks on the doors and windows. - So you won't get beheaded while I'm out. - Stan- Way ahead ofyou. I'll find us a satellite so we can watch Lost when I get home. Just because we're stuck in this wasteland doesn't mean it's not Wednesday! There's no alcohol in the kitchen either. I'll look in the closets. You check the pantry. Stan, I'm not staying inside all day. I'm taking the kids to meet our neighbors. When you get home, we'll all go see the palace. Fine. We'll do ityourway again. Oh, my God! I am freaking out! I am totally freaking out! Yes. Mr. Smith, the C. I. A. told us you'd be coming. Your assignment is to protect this oil pipeline. Here are the guards you will be supervising. This is Ali, Khalid and Fazziz. - Areyou okay? - I'm fine! And quick! Like a cat! A cat that could kill you. [Yowling ] [ Hisses ] [Knocks] Hello, neighbor. Hayley, you should meet my eldest son, Mamood. - He's educated, well-traveled. - He sounds great. And this is my son, Rashad. Honey, maybeyou and Rashad would like to go play. Mom, he's, like, eightyears old. I'm not a little kid anymore! My childhood died on July 1 8, 2003 the day Kobe Bean Bryant was charged with sexual assault. - Steve- - Whywas he even in Colorado in the first place? Black men don't go to Colorado. - Doyou want to play guns? - Guns? Look, Beave, I stopped playing guns when I- Holy crap! Where'd you get all this stuff? In the bazaar. You can find anything there. Can I get bootleg DVDs, like the new Michael Moore documentary? Sure. They have everything. Want to play rebuild Iraq? - [ Both ] I'm Halliburton! - I called it! I'm Halliburton! [ Laughing ] My husband cannot remember to put the toilet seat down! Betterthan leaving toenail clippings in the sink! MyStan is just as bad. I guess no matterwhereyou go in theworld, marriage is always the same. Oh, look! Husband is home! - Howwas your day? - Would you like a snack? Let me drawyou a bath. Oh. Huh. [ Whistles ] Sweet shot! Land mine! Ten points! Wow! That looks like a game we play back in America called golf. Tell us about America, Stan. Haveyou ever floated to heaven on angel wings? Tasted a cinnamon bun fresh from the oven? Licked hot chocolate from Santa's beard? That's what America's like. Not like here, with the sand and the heat. Good Lord! How do you stand the sand and the heat? That is whywe wear robes. It keeps us cool in hot temperatures. Really? I thought it was because your God doesn't believe in pants! - [ All Laugh ] - Stan, what a funny guy! Thanks. You know, I once stood in for Leno. I don't understand. Ifyou love America so much, why areyou here? It's a long story. I asked mywife to help me plan this party for my boss - and she said no, so- - What doyou mean? You asked her, and she said no? You mean, you told her, and she obeyed. Uh, no. See, she had this play, and, uh- Stan, the rules are different here for more than just golf. Allow me to explain. They make sure everyone follows our country's strict moral code. Public singing is illegal in Saudi Arabia. This was his third offense. Too bad. He had a lovelyvoice. Wow! It's like the Footloose town times a million! You think that's something? Wait till you hear the rules about women. Does this furniture polish have alcohol in it? [ Gulps ] Mmm. Tastes like I might die. - Hello, assorted family members. - Wow! Someone's in a better mood. I sure am! I was thinking about howyou said we should immerse ourselves in the culture. - I couldn't agree more. - Great. Let's talk in the car. I wanna see the palace before sunset. Baby, slowyour roll. I learned something interesting today. Did you know- Hayley, you'll appreciate this too. Doyou know women can't leave the home unless accompanied by a man? What areyou talking about? We all left the house earlier. Right. And Steve was with you. In this culture, he's considered a man. - I am? - You sure are! Also, there's no cursing, dancing, singing, no bars, no movie theaters. Oh, and women can't drive or ride bicycles. And here's the best rule. The man has final say on everything. So, no, Francine. We're not going to see the palace. We're going to do whatever I want, and there's nothing you can do about it. This is ridiculous! Ifyou don't want to go out, I'll go by myself. Francine, I forbid it! Yeah? Well, too bad. [Knocking] This belong toyou? Thanks. Just, uh- Just put her anywhere. - Morning, honey. - Stan, I've had it. I wanna go home! - Has Bullock called backyet? - Oh, notyet. I'll keep trying. Oh, I invited the fellas over for a feast afterwork so I figured you could whip something up. Or as they say in this country- Forget it! You may keep me locked up in this house, but I control what I do in it. Or as they say in my country- [ Snaps Twice ] Fine, I'll cook it myself!. Now, how do I do this without getting hair everywhere? Steve, come on! I'm supposed to meet the neighbor's son in 20 minutes. You know the rule. Say it, and I'll escortyou to the bazaar. [ Sighs ] You're the manliest man in the history of manly men. - And? - And when you're in your late 30s, you may have a chance at convincing a long-time female friend to have awkward pity sex with you once. Oh, yeah. [ Chattering] Thanks for bringing me with. There's booze here somewhere. I just know it. - Oh, dead cow. - Oh, there he is! Mamood? Hayley, you are even more beautiful than I imagined. - [ Gasps ] Who areyou? - I am Mrs. Smith. Uh, no. I'm Mrs. Smith. Ladies, ladies, you're both Mrs. Smith. - Stan, what on earth? - Surprise! I got us a second wife! You know, to help with cooking and cleaning. Her name's impossible to pronounce, so I just call herThundercat. What? You got a second wife? I love husband. I will serve him in this life and next. Look, Francine, it's just the way things are done here. Think ofher as a full-time housekeeper we don't have to pay or give our out-of-style clothing to. Oh, I love Burger King! Don'tyou? Actually, I was thinking more falafel. It makes me feel close to America, the greatest culture in the world! I spent a semester at A. S. U. in 1 995! They ranked us the number two party school behind Chico State. But we partied so much harder! Hey, is Hootie still en fuego? Whateverhappened with Ross and Rachel? That Jennifer Aniston! "Schwing!" Yes? I have to go to the bathroom. Ooh, Hayley, going to the bathroom. The Haylenator sitting on the toilet. You, woman! Where isyourman? Oh, uh, he's- Gin is close. My "Tanqueraydar" is going crazy. Not to mention my "Petronar. " Get it? Like sonar. Steve, this is me sober! Awesome! Oh, no. Forty-five foreign money. That's really expensive or a great deal. I should've ordered Mom to gimme some cash. Come on, Steve. Baby needs his bottle. Come on, come on, come on. Shut up! God, you're annoying. - How much for the woman? - Woman? Oh, no. That's just Rog- Sold! [ Yelps ] I don't know whereyou're taking me, but God helpyou ifthere's no schnapps. Whoa! What do I buy first? ##[Rock] [Steve ] Iam a man! Your adorable goat was delicious. I couldn't eat another bite. - It's all courtesy ofThundercat. - Pretty good. Yum-a-dum-dum. It is privilege to serve you all. I hope you saved room for- [ Unpronounceable Word ] with caramel sauce. Foryou, as thanks for inviting us intoyour lovely home. You knuckleheads What'd you do? Fazziz, was this you? Wow. A man dress. It's beautiful! - In caseyour God decides to ban pants, huh? - [ Laughing ] - Back off, Thundercat. - Sorry? Don't play innocent with me. Stan's just gone a little native, that's all. But he's still my husband, and only my husband. I love husband. I will serve him in this life and next as number one wife. You can forget it! As soon as Stan talks to his boss we're going back to America withoutyou! See that? That's a wedding ring. I'm Stan's only real wife. - Husband give me ring too. And it has inscription. - Where? You wanna dance, bitch? Let's dance. [ Ululating ] Ooh, catfight! Take her top off!. Rip it right off!. Kiss her! [ Grunts ] [ Groaning ] [ Groans ] - Great. - It's fantastic! - The color really brings outyour eyes. - [ Cell Phone Rings ] As-salaam alaikum. Director Bullock, I'm surprised to hear from you. Yes. Well, my sources tell me I may have overreacted to your speech. Your assertion was correct. I like big Asian butts, and I cannot lie. Therefore, I've decided to give you your old job back. [ Laughing ] I don't know, sir. I kind oflike it here. Like it? Areyou mad? What aboutyour family? They can't possibly be enjoying it out there! My family? I'm about to lose my coverage. - Aah! - [ Horn Honks ] Help! Where areyou taking me? - I appreciateyour culture! - Silence, whore! My family loves it here. Think carefully about whatyou're doing, Smith. Ifyou turn me down now, you're finished! You can never come back to the C. I. A. ! Fine! I don't want to come back to the C. I. A. Or the U. S. A. ! I officially renounce our American citizenship. - The Smiths are staying in Saudi Arabia forever! - [ Beeps ] This is my country now. I am Stan of Arabia! Bye! Have a beautiful time!
 * 1) [ Pigeons Coo ] - Where's Smith? - He was supposed to meet us here.
 * 1) I want to go back to a simpler time # #When men were men and women had no say # - # Content to love honor and obey # - [ Yells ] # I want to be greeted with a massage and a martini # #The way masterwas by his Jeannie # # I don't buy this independence and doing your own thing # # I want a woman to make me feel like a king # #This ship is sinking and I'm swimming for my life # # I don'twant a partner # Damn it! # I want a wife ## Oh, did I just sing myway in here? Yes.
 * 1) Here in Saudi Arabia # - [ Gunshot] - No singing! Cheese and rice! Who are those guys? They are the police ofvice and virtue.