An App a Day

("Around the World" by Daft Punk playing) Oh, cool, somebody put Billy Joel on the jukebox. Billy Joel? This is Daft Punk. Dappunk? Wh-- I-- What is that? That's not even words. What are you saying? This is Billy Joel. It's "Anthony's Song," parentheses, "Movin' Out." First of all, it's "Movin' Out," parentheses, "Anthony's Song." And second of all, this is 100% not Billy Joel! You know, when they recorded "Movin' Out," someone left the studio doors open, and that's why, at the end, you hear that car sound. That's not true either! No, this is it. He's talking about going all around the world 'cause this Anthony fella, he's moving out. You know, to live with Mr. Cacciatore down on Mulberry Street. And that's all I'm gonna say about those two. Peter, I'm gonna punch you with this beer mug till I'm holding just the handle! Guys, calm down. There's one way to solve this. I'll just use my phone. (phone beeps, song continues playing) It says "'Around the World' by Daft Punk." Thank you! God, you idiots are exhausting. Hey, Cleveland, how'd you do that with your phone? I'm not an idiot. I used Shazam. It recognizes songs and tells you their names. Yeah? Hey, what if I farted into it? I don't know. Be my guest. (farts loudly) It says "Lana Del Rey." Wow, how do I get this on my phone? You just download it. It's a app. What's an app? They're little programs you use on your phone while driving. Oh, man, apps sound awesome! This is a real game changer! Like the guy who invented wearing a sport jacket with jeans. So, what can I do for you? Well, I've got to go to church, but I don't have time to change from the rodeo. Excuse me, I thought you were helping me find a look that'll let me cling to my youth in my 40s. Yes, I'm interested in cheating on my wife in Las Vegas. Gentlemen, I think I can help all three of you. Brian, I'm in a bind. Joanne was supposed to drive me to the club, but she's having throat surgery. 20 years of menthol slims. I don't understand anything you just said. Just drive me to the racquet club. Since when do you belong to a racquet club? You know, I do have a life outside this house. For example, I also write restaurant reviews for the newspaper under the name Hugh Cornwallis. Hugh Cornwallis? He's, like... Super bitchy, I know. Now come on, let's go. So, what? You're gonna play tennis all day? No, I might also hit the treadmill and watch Kelly and Michael on mute with closed captioning. "Kelly: It's like kale is everywhere these days, am I right? Michael: unintelligible." I love them. They have such an amazing chemistry. Yeah! Awesome! Peter, will you keep it down? I'm trying to look at lamps I'll never buy. Oh, yeah, sorry. Sweet! What are you doing? Well, I just found out about these things called apps, so that's kind of all I do now. This one's a cool bowling app I got. Aw, yeah, strike! Peter, your phone's streaming to the TV. You're clearly watching p0rn. Will you turn it off? I'm already caught, Lois. I'm gonna finish. Peter, I'm... I'm gonna finish! Just go over there! We're gonna be fine, Lois, you and me. There you are, Dad. Where have you been? I haven't seen you in days. Ugh. I went out of town for a little while, but I made the mistake of using this app called Bear B'n'B. We're so happy you're staying with us. Just a reminder, we ask that you not use the DVD player, but you can watch any of the VHSs. We have Clear and Present Danger, Son of the Mask... oh, and here's most of a puzzle. Okay, well, I don't want any of that stuff. Fine. Well, if the phone rings and we're not around, just take a message. I'm kind of on vacation. Oh, and just a heads up, the dog doesn't like men. Now, we serve breakfast from 6:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m. I'll skip breakfast. Uh, everyone eats breakfast. I'm on vacation. All the more reason to treat yourself. The house specialty is a half-chewed trout we yanked out of the river with our teeth. Ah, there's the bear stuff. (phone chimes) Where are you going? Oh, I'm meeting up with someone from my Grinder app. Isn't that for anonymous gay hookups? No, no, no. This one's a way for guys who enjoy sandwiches to connect. Man: You "Meatballfreak"? Uh-huh. All right, let's do this. Are you also married? My phone's broken. I'm not surprised. It's probably because of all those apps you've been downloading. Don't say "apps" like you're young. No, I took it in the shower 'cause I didn't know you could pause a game. Here, Chris. Your first cell phone! Yay! Something my dad held in the bathroom! You know, Chris, you could probably salvage that phone. If you put it in a bag of uncooked rice, it'll dry out. Really? Yeah. And then you can use the rice to pretend someone wanted to marry you. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Dog and Meg the Bounty Hunter! Holy moley! Marcy Miller! She bought feminine products at my dad's pharmacy, so you know she's up and running. Yeah, I wish I had the guts to talk to her. Talk to her? Chris, no one talks to each other anymore. If you want to get a girl's attention, you text her a picture of your pen1s. What? Really? Are-Are you sure? Oh, yeah. People who send their daughters to public high schools are basically asking for this. Well, I did just get this new phone from my dad. (camera clicks) All right, what could go wrong? It worked out great for... ("Yakety Sax" playing) Ah. This is it, Bri. The Quahog Racquet Club. Where frail old men come to weigh themselves in the nude. Does that say 84 or 85? It says 63. Oh, dear. How'd you get all those cuts on your butt? Wow, they allow drinking here at 10:30 in the morning? Oh, yes, half the bathroom trash is thrown-up scrambled eggs. Okay, so this place has hot women, morning booze and free vomit? Maybe I'll join you. You don't play tennis. What are you talking about? I'm a great tennis player. You are? Well, that's perfect. There's a doubles tournament coming up, and I could really use a partner. Well, you found him! All right, all right, I suppose we can make this work. Like that actress from Rizzoli & Isles and her husband do. Honey, I thought we could do a little role-playing tonight. Oh, yeah? What'd you have in mind? Maybe I could be my character from the show. Oh! Yeah! From the show! Sure. Um... oh, no! It's the... law enforcement woman. Part of that great team of Rizzoli and Isles. You don't know what part I play, do you? Hey, look, you didn't marry me because of my brains. You married me because I play one of the main bad guys in Blue Bloods. Now let's just stop talking and have idiot actor sex. Thank you for coming, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. We've got a bit of a situation, which is why I've asked Officer Swanson to join us. It appears Chris sent an inappropriate photo of himself to one of his classmates. That's right. He texted a picture of his penis. Oh, my God! And apparently the girl... Oh, thank God. ...he sent it to doesn't like him back, so she turned him in. Okay, I can see that everyone's upset, but... what'd you think? Thank you for bringing this to our attention, Principal Shepherd. We'll make sure Chris apologizes to that little knob-tease. I'm sorry, Lois, but it's not that simple. When Chris sent that picture, he was technically distributing child pornography. Child pornography?! Joe, that's crazy! He's just a teenager who made a bad choice. I don't know what to say, but the laws just haven't caught up to how cool kids are now. I'm sorry, but this makes Chris a sex offender. Oh, my God! Huh. Well, I'm not about to make a Batman exit right now, but has that thing always been over there? Over where? What are you doing, Peter? Ah, you looked back too fast. Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. Today, we bring you a disturbing case of child pornography. Local teenage scumbag Chris Griffin, whose name will be omitted here, was caught sending, quote-unquote, "graphic selfies of his hog"-- not sure where that quote is from-- to another underage student. Coming up next, teleprompter guy puts the period in a weird. Place. Oh, this is awful. Now everyone in town knows I'm a sex offender! We know you didn't mean any harm, Chris. We're just living in a different time. When I was your age, boys used to just whip it out on the bus. Can't I just go on the news and tell everyone I'm sorry? Oh, I wish you could, sweetie, but the law says that, as a s*x offender, you have to complete a rehabilitation course. Oh, that sounds awful. Eh, can't be any worse than our trip to Hawaii. Okay, before you do anything else, I'm deathly allergic to pineapple, pork, rum, macadamia nuts, stupid tiny guitars, overpriced golf, sentimental military stuff, lava, people who I can't tell are black or Asian, apostrophes, anyone twirling flames, second weddings and linen pants. Is there anything you're not allergic to? Yeah, the Epcot Center. Where I wanted to go.