The Bakersfield Expedition

Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is steaming a Star Trek uniform.

Leonard: Hey, will you steam my uniform next?

Sheldon: Interesting. Do you recall this conversation? Leonard, want to go halfsies on a steamer? No, Sheldon, we don’t need a steamer. Looks like that rumpled chicken’s come home to roost.

Penny: Hi. Here are the make-up sponges you asked for.

Leonard: Oh, thanks, I thought I had more.

Penny: Damn, you’ve got more makeup than I do. You’ve got better makeup than I do. Yeah, I’m borrowing this.

Leonard: Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is my Comic-Con makeup. I love you, but there are some things a man doesn’t share with his girlfriend.

Sheldon: That’s a wise policy. I once borrowed my sister’s makeup for a costume contest. Got a terrible case of pinkeye. But luckily, I was going as a zombie. I won second place.

Penny: I feel like you guys just went to Comic-Con.

Leonard: That was San Diego Comic-Con. This is Bakersfield Comic-Con.

Penny: Is that better?

Leonard: Well, it’s a lot smaller. It’s more about the comic books. The way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood.

Sheldon: So to answer your question, no, it’s not better.

Penny: Well, then why are you going?

Sheldon: It’s a comic book convention. You know, it’s like pizza or particle accelerators, even the stinky one’s still pretty good.

Penny: All right. Well, you guys have fun. I guess I’ll see you Sunday night.

Leonard: Yeah.

Penny: Okay.

Leonard: Oh, hang on a second. (Hands her the day’s newspaper) Hold this. (Photographs the two of them together)

Penny: What was that for?

Leonard: To show people when they don’t believe me.

Credits sequence.

Scene: A restaurant.

Penny: Oh, this is the best. You have booze with breakfast on a Tuesday, you got a problem. You do it on the weekend, you got brunch.

Amy: Sheldon doesn’t believe in brunch. He can’t stand being at a table where one person’s having an omelette and another person’s having a sandwich.

Bernadette: He’s not exhausting at all.

Penny (receiving text): Oh. It’s Leonard. He says they’re on the road and headed for Bakersfield at warp speed. Maybe it’s the mimosa, but I’m gonna give the kid an LOL.

Bernadette: It’s cute how excited they are. You should have seen Howard sewing his costume all week for the convention.

Amy: When did Howard learn to sew?

Bernadette: When he was a little boy, every couple months, he would have to let his mom’s pants out.

Amy: I don’t even understand why they go to these conventions.

Penny: I know. The four of them work at a major university. They’re all super smart. How can they still be into something made for 12-year-olds?

Bernadette: I don’t mind it. I think Howie’s just in touch with his inner child. Although when he comes to bed in his Batman pyjamas, sometimes it feels like I’m touching his inner child.

Amy: It’s probably because they were bullied growing up. In a world where you can’t fight back, superheroes provide meaningful wish-fulfillment.

Penny: Mmmm. Now I feel bad for picking on all those kids. Although, in my defence, if Danny Biffle didn’t want to eat a mouthful of dirt, he shouldn’t have shown up to school wearing a bow tie.

Bernadette: I’ve never even read a comic book. You guys?

Penny: Uh-uh.

Amy: No.

Bernadette: I mean, it’s such an important part of their lives. Maybe we should try reading some.

Amy: Seriously?

Bernadette: The comic book store isn’t far from here.

Penny: That is an amazing idea. Okay, how many of these have I had?

Scene: Leonard’s car.

Sheldon: I think you should turn on the GPS.

Leonard: It is on.

Sheldon: But the turn-by-turn voice option isn’t on. I know I’d feel more safe if you turn on the turn-by-turn voice option. I love the turn-by-turn voice option.

Howard: Has it really only been ten miles?

Leonard: I’m turning it on, but just to shut you up.

GPS (in Sheldon’s voice): Leonard, bear left and continue on Interstate 210.

Sheldon: Ooh, sounds like that fellow knows what he’s talking about. I’d put on my listening ears if I were you.

Leonard: What did you do?

Sheldon: I found a hack online. I was able to upload MP3 recordings of my voice to your GPS.

Raj: That is so cool.

Leonard: Counterpoint, no, it’s not.

GPS: Continue on Interstate 210 for five miles. Here’s an interesting fact about interstates.

Leonard: Really?

Sheldon: Shh, he said it’s interesting.

GPS: Interstates are numbered as follows. Even-numbered routes run east and west, odd-numbered routes run north and south. Three-digit route numbers indicate bypasses or spurs.

Howard: Look, Leonard, there’s a bridge. Drive off it.

Raj: You know, we’re not that far from Vazquez Rocks.

Sheldon: Oh, they shot a lot of Star Trek episodes out there.

Howard: We’ve got our costumes in the trunk. We could go there and have a little photo shoot.

Raj: Great idea. I haven’t had a carbohydrate in two weeks. These cheekbones need to be in front of a camera before I eat a pretzel and they’re gone.

Leonard: Yeah, that sounds fun.

Sheldon: Oh, smashing. Now, Leonard, do you know how to get there?

Leonard: No.

Sheldon: Yeah, well luckily, someone in the car does.

GPS: Recalculating. While we’re waiting, do you know which president signed the Intestate Highway System Act into law? The answer, coming up in 14 miles.

Sheldon: None of you will get it. It’s Eisenhower.

Scene: The comic book store.

Bernadette: Why are they staring?

Amy: Who cares? Just soak it in. Hello, boys.

Stuart: Oh, hey. Could you please stop staring? They’re just girls. It’s nothing you haven’t seen in movies or in drawings.

Penny: Hey, Stuart.

Stuart: What brings you guys here?

Bernadette: We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.

Stuart: Oh, well, I recommend you don’t open a store and sell them.

Penny: No, we were just wondering why the guys like this stuff so much, so we thought we’d give it a try.

Stuart: Oh, okay. What do you think you might be into? Superhero, fantasy, graphic novels, manga… I swear I will turn a hose on you.

Bernadette: What kind of comics do the guys like?

Stuart: Um, a little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.

Amy: All right, well, who’s the best superhero?

Stuart: Shh! You can’t ask a question like that in here. Are you trying to start a rumble?

Penny: Well then, what do you recommend?

Stuart: Well, uh, let’s see. You’ve got your basic clean-cut good guys, Superman, Spider-Man, Captain America. Then you have your darker anti-heroes, your Batman, your Wolverine, Punisher.

Amy: Ooh, I do love a bad boy.

Penny: As evidenced by your boyfriend and his fear of hamsters.

Stuart: If I were you, I’d go for Fables number one. The artwork is sophisticated, it’s intelligently written, and it doesn’t objectify or stereotype women.

Penny: Ooh, Thor! He’s hot.

Stuart: Yeah, he kind of is.

Scene: Vasquez Rocks. Sheldon, dressed as Data, is having his makeup put on by Raj, dressed as Worf.

Raj: And we’re blending, and we’re blending, and we’re done.

Sheldon: I know Mr. Data isn’t supposed to smile, but here it comes.

Howard (dressed as a Borg): Come on, guys. Let’s do this.

Leonard (dressed as Captain Picard): Yeah, I’m sweating my bald cap off.

Howard: So what’s our first pose going to be?

Raj: I say we begin with a classic Star Trek fight scene.

Leonard: I’ll set the timer.

Howard: Sheldon, how is that a fight pose?

Sheldon: Mr. Data’s weapon is his mind. I’m wielding it.

Raj: Phasers on the Borg! Charlie’s Angels.

Howard: Okay, what’s next?

Raj: Now let’s do some sexy glamour shots. I’ll set the mood. (Rhythmically) Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, Yeah, nice one, oontz, oontz. That’s right. Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz…

Howard: Oh, my God. Leonard, someone’s stealing your car!

Leonard: What? Hey, hey! Come back here!

Raj: Stop!

Sheldon: Stealing is against the law!

Leonard: I don’t believe this.

Howard: Son of a bitch.

Raj: I’ll call 911. What, oh, no, my phone is in my other pants.

Howard: Oh, so is mine.

Leonard: Mine, too. Anybody got any ideas?

Sheldon: Nope. The only thing left to do now is assign blame. (To Raj) Nice going.

Scene: The side of the road.

Leonard: What kind of a person steals another person’s car in broad daylight?

Sheldon: What kind of person leaves his keys in the car?

Leonard: I thought we agreed this was all Koothrappali’s fault.

Sheldon: You’re right. Nice going.

Howard: Car.

Raj: What is wrong with people? Why don’t they stop?

Sheldon: Maybe we’re better off. What if we were to get in a car with a crazy person?

Leonard: Look at us, Sheldon. We’re the crazy people.

Sheldon: Well, perhaps we should hold up a sign that assures passing motorists of our mental competence.

Howard: Good idea. Why don’t you get started on that?

Leonard: Come on, let’s just start walking. There’s got to be a gas station or something nearby.

Sheldon: What, you think just because you’re wearing a captain’s uniform, you’re in charge?

Leonard: Yes.

Sheldon: All right.

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Penny: Hmm, okay, I’m done. How did you guys finish so fast?

Bernadette: I don’t know, there were a lot of pictures, and one page only had the word brakkadoom!

Penny: Yeah, well, I have street smarts.

Bernadette: So, what’d you guys think?

Amy: Well, there was a lot of action.

Penny: Mmm.

Amy: And the story moved along at a brisk pace. It was, overall, what’s the word I’m looking for?

Penny: Stupid?

Amy: So stupid.

Penny: I don’t know how Leonard can get so caught up in this.

Bernadette: It’s crazy, they spend hours arguing about things that don’t even exist.

Amy: What a waste of time.

Penny: I know. A hammer so heavy that no one else can pick it up?

Bernadette: I don’t think it’s heavy. It’s some sort of magic, so only Thor can lift it.

Penny: That makes even less sense, I mean…

Amy: No, no, no, it doesn’t. Thor is a god. The hammer is his, only he can use it. It’s like Sheldon and his toothbrush. Or his thin, beckoning lips.

Penny: Okay, hang on, what if Thor’s hand is on the hammer? I mean, if he’s touching it with his god magic, does that mean I could lift it?

Bernadette: No.

Amy: Yes.

Penny: Well, which is it?

Amy: Maybe we missed something.

Bernadette: Let’s read it again.

Penny: Okay.

Amy: Yeah.

Bernadette: You want some tea?

Amy: Good idea. I’ll help you.

Penny: Wait, I thought we were reading.

Amy: We are. We’re just, uh, giving you a head start.

Scene: The desert.

Howard: I wish my mom was here. We could all hang out in her shadow.

Raj: Wool pants in the desert. I feel like I’ve got poached testicles.

Leonard: Oh, you poor thing, you’re sweating. That’s so much worse than having your car stolen.

Raj: Insurance is gonna buy you a new car. It’s not gonna de-funk my junk.

Sheldon: Gentlemen, a little less bellyaching. We’re Starfleet officers and a member of the Borg Collective.

Leonard: Please, Sheldon, I am so not in the mood.

Sheldon: Leonard, all our lives we have dreamed of finding ourselves inside one of the fantasy worlds we love. And look at us. At this moment, we are, in fact, a Star Trek landing party stranded in an alien and unforgiving environment, relying only on our wits, our fortitude and our moxie. As long as we have those things, nothing can stop…

Guys in Passing Car (throwing a drink over Sheldon): Nerds!

Sheldon: I hate this planet.

Scene: Penny’s Apartment.

Amy: It says right here on the hammer, whoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.

Bernadette: Hold on, who decides who’s worthy? Does the hammer decide?

Penny: Yes!

Amy: No! It can’t decide. It’s a hammer.

Penny: You said it’s a magic hammer.

Amy: Yeah, but, it can’t make decisions.

Penny: If Harry Potter’s wand can make decisions, why can’t Thor’s hammer?

Amy: Okay, if you’re going to start comparing wands and hammers, I can’t even take you seriously.

Scene: A diner.

Sheldon: Hello. Hello. Uh, uh, uh, four glasses of water, please. Anything for you guys?

Leonard: Can I use your phone? Our car got stolen.

Waitress: Why don’t you ask Scotty to beam you up?

Sheldon: Scotty was on the original series, and we’re Next Generation. So, joke’s on you.

Howard: We’re not with him.

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Amy: You can’t pick something up in outer space. In space, there is no up.

Penny: Oh, yeah? Then how does the sun come up every day?

Amy: Hard to argue with those kind of street smarts.

Bernadette: Leonard and Sheldon have boxes of comics across the hall. Why don’t we go look at those?

Penny: Oh, great. Yes. And then you will see, I am not wrong, because if we were in outer space, then anyone could pick up the hammer because it would be floating around in a weightless environment. Yeah, that’s right, the slow reader used science. Suck on that.

Scene: The diner.

Policeman: Was there anything valuable in the car?

Leonard: Our clothes, our wallets, phones.

Raj: And about three hundred dollars worth of makeup, so this thief could look like anyone right now.

Policeman: Makeup? Sure.

Leonard: Uh, we’re going to the Comic-Con in Bakersfield. They have a big costume contest. It’s cooler than it sounds.

Policeman: I don’t know, sounds pretty cool.

Raj: It, it is. It’s not just comic books. They’ve got action figures, toys, a Tron-themed dance party.

Leonard: Okay, he gets how cool it is.

Policeman: I think I have all I need here. You guys need me to call someone? I’m guessing your moms?

Leonard: Thanks, but we’ve got it covered.

Howard: Okay, I just talked to my mom. She arranged for us to get a rental car.

Raj: Great. We can still make it to Comic-Con.

Leonard: Are you kidding me? After all we’ve been through, I just want to go home.

Raj: Don’t be like that. Come on, Howard, talk to him.

Howard: I’m with Leonard. I’m done.

Raj: Fine, then I guess it’s two against two. How do we decide?

Sheldon: Actually, it’s three against one.

Raj: What? What about the mission? You said we were a real-life landing party.

Sheldon: Yeah, well, we’re not. We’re an imaginary landing party who had real-life garbage thrown at us by real-life strangers who think we’re idiots. And to tell you the truth, I’m starting to feel like one. I want to go home now.

Raj: Okay. Did we at least rent the car from Enterprise? Get it? Enterprise? Screw you. That’s funny.

Scene: The apartment.

Bernadette: Well, what if the Hulk picked up Thor while Thor is holding the hammer?

Amy: Yeah?

Bernadette: Then by the transitive property of picking things up, Hulk picked up the hammer.

Amy: No. Hulk picked up Thor, Thor picked up the hammer.

Penny: Okay, hang on. If I go to a bar and pick up a guy, and he picks up a girl, and then we all leave together, did I pick up the girl?

Amy: Did that ever happen?

Penny: Hey, are we talking about me or are we talking about Thor?

Scene: The stairwell.

Sheldon: Well, I say that’s the last time we ever go outside.

Amy (off): Look, right here. Red Hulk is picking up Thor’s hammer ’cause Thor’s touching it.

Penny (off): No, it’s because they’re in space. He’s really just touching the strap.

Amy(off): The strap is part of the hammer.

Bernadette (off): No, it’s not!

Raj: Are they actually arguing about comic books?

Leonard: No, that can’t be right.

Howard: Maybe Thor’s Hammer is a new colour of nail polish.

Bernadette (off): Then Red Hulk must be worthy.

Penny (off): How could Red Hulk be worthy?

Bernadette (off): You don’t know his life.

Sheldon: There’s only one logical explanation. Somewhere in the desert we crossed into an alternate dimension where the women in our lives can finally appreciate great literature.

Raj: If it’s an alternate dimension, sounds like a job for a landing party.

Sheldon: Captain, what are your orders?

Leonard: I say we investigate.

Sheldon: Wait. They might be hostile.

Leonard: Fine, but set them to stun. If we vaporize Penny, I’ll never find a girlfriend that pretty again.

Scene: Leonard’s car.

GPS: Fun fact, President Eisenhower signed the Federal Aid Highway Act from his hospital room.

First Car Thief: Wow, that is interesting.

Second Car Thief: You learn something new every day.

GPS: Say, can you name the four state capitols that are not served by the interstate system?

First Car Thief: Ooh, another quiz.

Second Car Thief: Yes!