High Expectations

Hey, Mom, why was Dad out front washing my car?

Oh, some kids drove through the neighborhood egging cars last night.

Only in Colorado. 30 days you gotta wait for a gun permit, but anybody can buy eggs!

Admit it. You just washed my car so you could scrape off my Obama sticker.

I think your Obama sticker's the reason you got egged.

How many cars got hit?

On this block, just us and the new guys up the block.

The new family? The bla...

African-American family?

The blafrican-Americans, yes.

So now their car is the only one on the block with egg on it?

Oh, no.

"Oh, no," what?

(Sighs) Well, they could think someone egged their car out of racism.

I don't think the Klan does a lot of work with eggs.

Come on, they just moved into a very white neighborhood.

Maybe we should let them know that they weren't the only ones.

I don't want to talk to my neighbors.

Yeah, I know.

If it'll help, you want me to re-egg her car?

They might feel singled out.

Oh, "singled out." Vandalism happens to everybody, guys.

Why is it if you're black or you're gay or you're a midget, you think stuff happens to you just because you're black or you're gay or you're a midget?

Maybe they're just jerks.

I dated this black gay midget in college...

(Mouths words)

(Chuckling) Dad, stop, okay?

I'm glad the view is so clear on top of rich white guy mountain.

Beautiful view up here. They put a little food court.

Love you, guys.

(Door closes) You know, honey, Kristin's right.

The Larabees should know that they weren't singled out.

Who are the Larabees?

The people that we have just been talking about.

Oh, yeah. The guy in the silver Tahoe.

Oh, sure. You know what kind of car he drives, but you don't know his name?

I don't like people that much, but I love cars.

They moved in the house where the Pontiacs used to live.

You talk to the neighbors, they're gonna think you want to be friends.

And?

I don't want to be friends with them.

And not because they're black, because they're--

Because they're neighbors?

(Groans) Right.

You make friends with neighbors, and it opens up all sorts of obligations.

You know, listen, you're gonna have to, you know, remember their names, wave at 'em and say "Hello."

You know, "Hey, Mike, how are you doing today?"

Who's got an answer for that?

Everyone in the world named Mike except for you.

(Both laughing)

Hey. The Broncos are almost on. Where were you?

The mall.

Two questions--what were you doing at the mall, and did you bring me a big pretzel?

Dad, check it out.

She's like the plain girl in the movie who discovers that she can be pretty (Singsongy) with the help of her super hot sister!

(Normal voice) What?! I said you were eventually pretty.

Eve, come on. Let's not miss kickoff.

But, Dad, I wanted to try on this new dress with the shoes Mandy is loaning me for Taylor's party Friday night.

You've got practice Friday night.

You got a soccer game Saturday, babe.

Dad, Eve is in high school now.

And even if she didn't have to live up to this...

(Exhales)

Where was I going with that?

(Whispers) Just go.

Dad, I was, uh, I was kinda hoping I could, um, blow off practice Friday night.

No, you can't blow off practice.

Why? Eve scores all the goals anyway.

If she's not there, one of those other future gym teachers can kick a few.

Please, Dad. I'm so burned out on soccer.

I don't have time for anything fun, because all I do is practice sports and play sports.

And as a reward, you get to watch sports with Dad.

(Scoffs) So you're not even gonna let me miss one stupid practice?

You can miss stupid practice. You can't miss soccer practice.

You start flaking out on stuff like this, you might as well just quit the team.

Fine. Then I quit.

You're not quitting.

That's a slippery slope. You do that, you end up driving around with these jerks egging cars.

Yeah. Like Randy and Max would hang out with Eve, Dad.

They're seniors. (Laughs)

(Rings doorbell)

Hi. I saw your newspaper, and I thought I'd bring it to you.

Uh, there's a newspaper thief in the neighborhood.

We don't get the newspaper.

(Laughs) Then I guess i'm the newspaper thief.

(Laughs) Uh...

Hi. I'm, uh, I'm Vanessa Baxter from down the street.

Oh, yes. Nice to meet you.

I'm Carol Larabee.

Hi.

(Clears throat)

Oh, you know what? Um... I-I also wanted to tell you that somebody threw a-an egg at your car.

Oh. Um, but--but they also threw eggs at other cars, and I didn't want you to think you were singled out because you're... (Stammers)

New.

That's nice of you.

Yeah.

Is your husband the man that drives a green truck who walks inside really fast without looking up? Oh.

Mm.

Yeah, that's him. That's him.

But--but he does that with all the neighbors, not just the...

The new ones?

Yeah.

Carol, the oven's on fire.

Uh, no, it's okay. (Chuckles) It's okay.

It's just my husband's way of getting rid of solicitors.

Honey, this is our neighbor from down the street...

Oh. Hi.

Vanessa Baxter. Vanessa, my husband--Chuck.

Hi.

Pleasure. Pleasure to meet you.

Hi.

Her husband's the guy with the green truck.

The one with the "Nobama" bumper sticker?

The guy who never waves?

Eh, you know, he's-- you know, he's just antisocial.

And he doesn't like Obama.

I see.

But--but it's--it's not in the way that you're thinking.

How am I thinking?

(Door opens)

Hey.

Hey.

Where have you been?

(Sighs) Well, first the good news.

I stole today's paper.

There's bad news?

The Larabees are coming over here for drinks Friday night.

Who are the Larabees?

The new neighbors.

The--the Tahoes who bought the Pontiacs' house.

Why are they coming over here?

I don't know, honestly.

I went over there to talk about the egging.

Things got awkward.

I panicked, and I ran out of stuff to say.

So naturally you assumed, "Mike'll want a piece of this."

So let's do it again Friday night"?

We got a bigger problem.

Your youngest daughter wants to quit soccer.

So? What do you care? You hate soccer.

I also hate our neighbors.

That didn't stop you from inviting them over here.

She plays soccer well. It's a waste of talent.

Hey, are you guys talking about me?

No, we're not.

Oh. 'Cause I just heard the word "talent," and I thought you must have heard--

(Singsongy) I'm up for a solo in show choir!

That's great.

I just don't want Eve to think she can be a quitter.

Oh, come on, honey. She's so talented, she could do anything she puts her mind to.

Kinda like me in show choir!

That's good, honey. You go do that. Right, right, right.

Look, we've put so much energy into this.

Just the driving alone to and from that park and all the practices.

Think of all the orange slices you've done.

So many freakin' oranges.

Orange slices. So much.

Oh, my God, can they toss the peels into the garbage can that's just 3 feet away?

No.

No. No. You wanna know why? Because they're soccer players.

They can't use their hands.

So... you can't waste all that effort, right?

Oh, sure, I can. You just convinced me.

If I never have to wash another sweaty soccer sock again...

Yeah, but, honey, what if Eve is destined for the Olympics?

Mike, she's not.

We both want to go to Rio-- a city with a giant Jesus staring at 4 million thongs.

What a culture.

So... here's another reason why I should quit soccer.

If I'm not always covered with bruises, you won't get all those dirty looks in church.

Nice try.

Your mom and I discussed it. You're not quitting.

No, we didn't decide that.

I didn't say we agreed. We discussed it.

No, you did.

You always just assume I agree with you.

Look, no, we had a discussion.

The whole time, that's what we were talking about.

No--talk to her.

Listen, listen, listen. Here, the point is, you're not old enough to make this decision.

And apparently neither is your mother.- Oh...

Listen... (Speaks indistinctly)

You play soccer. You're really good at soccer.

You're not quitting soccer. That's the end of story.

That's so unfair. Now you're punishing me for being good at something?

Listen, when you're carrying an American flag into that olympic stadium representing the U.S. olympic soccer team, you're gonna thank me for this.

Or, because my dad puts too much pressure on me, I'll be working the pole at Bob's Classy Lady!

Like they'd ever hire a girl with an attitude like that.

Hey, honey, help me out here.

What does the black culture think of Michael Jackson these days?

Genius or nut job?

Mike, come on.

No, I'm not kidding. It may come up.

I don't want to make a fool of myself.

Know what?

You're trying to make me feel uncomfortable by being a jackass, but it's not gonna work.

I'm not canceling tonight.

I don't want you to cancel. I can't wait for this party.

It's not a party. It's just drinks. And cheese.

Which I hope this goes with whatever they drink.

Well, what if they bring, uh, malt liquor in a brown paper bag?

Oh, good one, jackass. Very good.

You know, get 'em all out of your system.

Go. Just get 'em out.

Hey, what are you still doing here?

Eve's gonna be late for soccer.

Can one of you guys please take her?

I don't wanna be late for choir 'cause I'm auditioning for a solo.

Eve, get your butt down here. Come on, let's go.

Come on.

Yeah, I'm excited about it, too.

Maybe I'll get lucky and blow out my knee and then be out for the season.

(Doorbell rings)

Well, that's the spirit.

Hi!

Oh, hello. Hi.

Come on in.

This is my husband Mike. Oh.

I'm Carol. Good to--good to see you.

Yes, nice to meet you. Mike Baxter.

Yes. Oh, this is for you.

Wow.

Uh...

I'll just--I'll--I'll put it in the refrigerator for you.

Oh. I don't know why you would.

It's a candle.

(Laughs) Oh. Oh, yes, yes, it I--

Oh, thank you, Carol. Wow, yeah. It's beautiful.

Thank you. (Carol) What a nice home.

It's basically the same layout as ours, only I think yours is a little bigger.

Oh, no, they're the same. They're--they're equal.

Except ours is clearly bigger.

Well, you need the space.

Yeah.

Yeah. (Laughs) Where are all those kids, anyway?

Oh... Well, you just missed Mandy and Eve, and, uh, Kristin brought our grandson to Ryan's.

He's the baby daddy.

It--it's, uh, a term that we use to describe a father who never married the mother.

Yes. We've heard of that.

(Piano plays)

Okay. Take five minutes, everybody.

(Cell phone rings)

Hello?

Mandy, it's Cammy from Eve's soccer team.

The one with the hairy legs?

No. That's Jen. And I know.

Seriously, she looks like a centaur.

(Laughs)

Anyway, we have a situation.

Okay. Is Eve okay?

Kind of.

We blew off practice and went to Taylor's party.

Eve had three Tequila poppers.

Eve doesn't drink.

You're telling me. She's terrible at it.

My parents are gonna be home in an hour, and she's hammered!

Okay. This is what you do. Get her on her feet, take her into the bathroom.

Why?

Because in five minutes, something is coming out of somewhere, and it's good to be on tile.

No, we never get to the movies.

Yeah. Hardly ever. Here you go.

Thank you.

Last movie she dragged me to was "The Help."

I was yelling that all the way through that theater--

"Help! Help! Help!"

Oh, stop.

I loved it.

Me, too. How that pretty white girl starts the whole civil rights movement...

Very inspirational.

It's a shame, uh, none of your daughters are here.

I wanted to meet them.

Well, we're having a-a real problem with our young one.

She's a soccer player-- good one-- and she wants to quit soccer.

Oh, we went through the same thing with our son.

Yeah?

He got burned out on sports, but we decided we weren't gonna force him.

Oh, see, now I think you did the right thing, Chuck.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Yeah. No. No why?

I-it's a bad lesson. When kids are good, then you don't want them to stop doing it. It makes them lazy.

I'm sure their kid isn't lazy.

Well, it worked with our son.

He thought about it, went back on his own.

Now he leads the team in scoring.

What's he doing, 20, 25 points a game?

More like 2. He plays water polo.

Water polo?

Yep. He can swim.

Does that surprise you?

Uh, no. No. We're not surprised.

Mike, how--how could you assume their kid plays basketball?

Why would I assume he plays water polo?

No, it's okay. It's okay.

Chuck's just messing with you.

Oh...

Our son does play basketball.

Oh.

(Laughs) And he swims like a rock.

(Laughs)

Ah, I mean, I'm sure he--he swims just as well as any other kind of kid.

Yeah.

Honey, stop it. What are we doing here?

We're just--we're having a pleasant conversation with our new friends the Larabees.

Hey, Chuck, does this feel pleasant to you?

I actually feel rather tense.

Because this is insanely awkward.

Oh, come on. C--stop kidding around, you two.

Come on. Carol and I are getting along really well.

(Laughs) I wouldn't say really well. (Mike chuckles)

Listen, my wife's a lovely woman, and the reason that she invited you here is 'cause she felt guilty you might think that that egging was racially motivated.

I don't think the Klan does a lot of work with eggs.

Ha! You know, I...

(Speaking indistinctly)

We only came because Vanessa kinda put us on the spot.

Yeah, and we thought if we said no, she might have thought that was racially motivated.

So, w-w-w-wait, this is great. No one wants to be here!

I want to be here.

Oh, come on, let it go.

Just because we live near each other doesn't mean we gotta be friends.

Yeah. You see, why do we have to be neighborly with neighbors?

Exactly.

I don't need some clown borrowing my garden hose only to never see it again except when he's watering his lawn with it!

Listen to this. Let's say you want to come over and borrow my lawn mower.

Right.

Maybe I just don't want to loan it to you.

But you think I don't loan it to you 'cause you're black and I'm afraid you're gonna steal it.

See--I'm not that paranoid.

Exactly! But you should be, 'cause that's probably what I'd be thinking! (Laughs)

Well, I'm glad that's settled!

Yeah! Yeah! Okay!

Whoo! You know what? This is all right.

I'll tell you right now, if your house was on fire, I would call the fire department.

And if someone was breaking into your house, I'd call the police.

Except if it's a white guy. Then you go ahead and shoot him.

(Laughs)

What are the odds?

(Laughing)

(Mouths words)

(Sighs)

Are you sure you guys don't want to take home some of these appetizers, take home the crackers?

No, we'll just leave you folks here.

(Laughs)

Come on, it's a cracker joke.

(Knock on door)

Thanks for coming, Mandy.

No time. I do the talking.

Can she walk on her own?

I think so.

What's the ETA on your parents?

15 minutes.

We have to work fast.

Wow!

Mouthwash? Eye drops? Towelettes?

Clean urine?

I've seen things you can't unsee.

Cammy, you just wasted 11 seconds you could've spent making Eve a cup of coffee-- lots of cream, lots of sugar. Is this water?

Yes.

(Gasps)

Come on, Eve! Work with me! (Groaning)

We gotta get you back into your soccer uniform.

Up, up, up! You did not ditch soccer tonight. (Continues groaning)

You went to practice. Say it!

(Whining) I went to practice tonight.

Sit down. (Cries)

This is all Dad's fault for forcing me to stay on the soccer team.

You don't know how hard it is to have Dad think you're so great at something.

Yeah, that must suck.

(Gasps)

(Choking and sobbing) I'm awake!

Good. Now we have to make it look like you've been playing soccer, so I'm gonna have to roll you around on the lawn a little bit.

You know, I actually had a good time tonight.

As neighbors go, I'd hang out with Chuck.

Better than that guy across the street from him whose mailbox looks like a little version of his house.

What a putz!

Well, maybe I should invite the Larabees over for dinner.

Who are the Larabees?

(Mouths words)

Okay, they're in the kitchen.

I'm gonna keep them distracted.

All you need to do is go upstairs and go to bed, okay?

Okay.

Hi!

Where are you running off to?

Guys, I wanna tell you about choir!

Guess what? Guess what? I got a solo!

Good!

Oh, that's great, honey.

Yeah!

Good!

So you wanna let me sing it for you?

Oh, wait, we should do it in the garage.

It has better acoustics.

Yeah.

(Ascending and descending) ♪ mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi ♪

(Body thuds) ♪ mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi ♪

What was that?

Uh, arpeggios. I'm warming up.

Eve? Hey, hey, hey. Did you fall down?

I'm fine, Dad. Just get out of my room.

How much has she had to drink?

Just a few Tequila poppers.

Tequila? Seriously?

You're quitting soccer, you're drinking?

What are you thinking?!

Okay...

What was the first question?

Ugh.

You're not gonna get any answers out of her tonight.

We'll deal with this tomorrow morning.

Yeah. Your room's gonna be spinning a bit, but it'll slow down by the time you get out of there in four months!

(Vanessa) Come on.

You take your sister out and you get her drunk?

What? No!

Don't lie to me.

I'm not lying!

She's telling the truth, Dad. She wasn't even there.

You don't need to cover for your sister.

I'm not. She's covering for me.

It was all my fault. Bathroom.

What?

Bathroom! Bathroom! Bathroom!

You see? All I did was try to help.

(Door closes) She's obviously acting out because you forced her to play soccer, and she hates it.

I'm not in the habit of letting my daughters just quit stuff because it gets tough.

Okay, well, how about when you let me quit, uh, saxophone, dance class, uh, typing, that--that--that thing with the ice skates?

Ice skating.

I was getting there!

You don't believe in me like you believe in Eve, so you let me quit stuff all the time.

You could quit yelling at me. I'll let you do that.

Eve so much as mentions quitting soccer, and you act like it's the end of the world.

But I had to leave choir early tonight to go and help her, and I might lose my solo!

But you--you could care less!

(Sighs)

Morning, honey.

(Groaning) Mommy, I'm so sick.

Mm. Yeah, I know, I know.

It's called a hangover.

It was so much funnier in that movie.

(Sighs)

Here. Oh. Let go. Let go. (Groans softly)

You know what, Evie? You really let me down.

And I was actually on your side with this whole soccer thing.

Really?

Does that mean I can quit?

(Chuckles) No way.

Ugh!

This little stunt convinced me that you are not ready to make decisions for yourself.

Oh, good, you're still in your uniform, 'cause you got a game in an hour.

But I have a hangover.

Yeah, that's gonna suck.

If you need me, I'll be downstairs slicing oranges.

(Door slams)

Ah!

(Bottles rattling)

Hmm. Sounds like a lot of dead soldiers in there.

Was I a bad influence on you and Mom, too?

What happened last night was way out of line.

Dad, Eve told you it wasn't my fault.

I meant me.

I'm confused. Are you admitting you made a mistake?

Don't get used to it. It's not gonna happen again.

Honey, I really appreciate you trying to help your sister last night.

Well, you know, we all have to be there for Eve.

I assume you guys just keep me around in case she needs a kidney.

Listen, honey, I believe in you just as much as I believe in Eve.

It's just that the things you're good at really aren't in my wheelhouse.

Do you mean like being beautiful and socially graceful and fashionable, with a kind of radiant star quality?

Yeah, that crap.

You're very confident, and sometimes I forget that you need encouragement.

Yeah. Maybe just once...

Okay.

Every day or so, when I do something especially amazing.

Well, I'm gonna push you just as hard as I do Eve.

And you're not gonna quit that show choir.

When do you do that solo?

In a couple months.

I will be there.

Unless Eve has a soccer game.

(Clicks tongue)