The Oeder Games

(people complaining)

Bob: Everybody, please!

Everybody, let's try to settle down.

I mean, a rent hike?

Now? Come on!

Fischoeder's out of his freaking mind.

What are we supposed to do, jack up the price of yarn?

There'll be riots! Again!

I'm starting to think Mr. Fischoeder just became a landlord for the money.

(people murmuring)

Everyone, can I... can I have your attention?

Silence!

Yeah, tubby's talking!

Mr. Fischoeder has raised our rent before, but this new hike is the biggest ever.

None of us can afford it.

Except for me, right, son?

What?

Ah, never mind.

What?

Never mind.

I told Mr. Fischoeder we were coming to see him today, but what he doesn't know is if he goes ahead with this rent hike, we're gonna give him a rent strike!

Yeah! A what?

A rent strike.

It means if Mr. Fischoeder tries to raise the rent, we'll stop paying it.

Oh, that might make him mad, Bobby.

Yeah, landlords hate stuff like that.

Exactly. It's the only leverage we have against a guy as big as Fischoeder.

(people murmuring)

(quietly): You sure you want to be the ringleader on this, Bob?

You know, it could be better to talk to him one-on-one.

He's not our friend, Lin, he's our landlord.

We have to show him we mean business.

Mmm, Bobby Business over here.

I like Bobby Business.

Okay, Bob, we're in.

(cheering)

Yay, Bobby, you're going on a rent strike!

Just like in Rent.

Uh, I don't think that's what happens in Rent.

No, yeah, that's what happens.

Andy: Now you smile.

(grunts)

Now you smile.

(grunts)

Now you smile.

(grunts)

Now you smile.

(grunts)

Stop it, stop it.

Did we really have to bring our kids?

Did you really have to wear that tie?

It's important to show Fischoeder that we're not just doing this for ourselves.

Some of us have families.

Aw, I love kids.

Which is ironic, 'cause they're not allowed in my store.

I-I run a s*x shop, everybody.

If we haven't met, I'm Sal.

Pervert.

Hey, Sal.

Uh, yeah.

Uh, thanks for coming, Sal.

Remember, everybody, stick to the script.

Rent hike, rent strike.

Oh, look!

I thought I heard the pitter-patter of little tenant feet.

Everyone, have a welcome mojito!

Wow, mojitos.

This is going good, Bobby.

Mojito, Bob?

Uh, not for me, thanks.

Oh, nonsense.

It's mojito weather.

I don't want a-a mojito.

Linda, mojito?

Sure!

Attagirl.

Mr. Fischoeder, we've prepared a few words for you.

Just, um, give me a second.

I'm gonna... put the mojito down.

Oh, well, that's a safe place to put it.

(clears throat) The dictionary defines "rent" as a...

This is an old draft.

Uh, let me just skip ahead. Here we go.

It was Gandhi who said...

Let me stop you right there, Bob... Gandhi would want me to.

You're here to tell me that if I raise the rent, you'll have a rent strike.

How did you know?

Whenever tenants get together in these little clumps, you come up with the same idea.

Well, it's true... if you raise the rent, we're, um, we're gonna strike.

Right, everyone?

(shouting affirmatively)

Oh, but, Bob, and, uh, loyal, uh...

Bob-ists? Bob-ites?

Whatever you want to call yourselves.

I'm here to tell you there's another way.

Another way?

Yes. Carnies?

I don't get it.

A water balloon fight!

Excuse me?

I said a water balloon fight.

It's how we settle worker disputes on the wharf.

Well, that and freestyle rap battles.

You may use the entire grounds of my estate, from the garden I ignore to the field in the back where I dump the old rides.

Uh, I don't think that's gonna happen.

If you get hit, you're out.

And that means your rent is going up.

Listen, Mr. Fi...

B-But for the lucky winner who manages to stay dry, your rent gets cut in half.

(all gasping)

Man: All right!

I could use that money... to buy things.

Now, what do you say?

(chuckles nervously) N-No.

We came here to stand together, not...

Hold on, now.

If any member of my family wins, my rent goes down?

Yes. Children flank their parents in battle just like in the good old days.

Oh, so people with kids have an unfair advantage.

Would you call that an advantage?

Giddyup!

(shouts) I'm okay.

Mr. Fischoeder, we're not doing your water balloon fight.

We're standing together. Right?

Here's how we're gonna do this.

You grab as many balloons as you can, find cover, and at the sound of my pistol, start ballooning.

Every man for himself! Go!

Jimmy, what are you doing?!

I'm getting 50% off my rent!

Don't move, Bob!

Stay where I can balloon ya!

No. No, stand together.

Rent hike means rent strike!

Linda, wait. Guys!

Teddy?

I'm with you, Bobby.

I'm just gonna get a balloon real quick, 'cause everyone else is getting balloons.

Rent hike means rent...

(screams)

No...!

Oh, but the gun says yes.

Kids, stay away from the water balloons!

Oh, right, Dad, like you can just tell kids, "Stay away from the water balloons."

Sorry, Bob.

Tenant clump un-clumped.

Now it's every honky for himself.

Everyone, focus.

Fischoeder is using this to divide us.

People, if we play his game, there are many losers and only one winner.

Reggie: And that winner's gonna be me!

Reggie, no.

Sorry, Bob.

I'm always the doormat, but not this time.

I'm gonna win this thing and...

Ah, come on.

Gotcha.

That was for you, Bob.

Ah, geez.

Am I out? I'm out.

Good throw, Zeke.

Thanks, J-Ju.

So do we have an alliance?

Hell yeah.

I'm the Katniss to your Pita Bread.

Carnies, seize them!

Wha...?

What are you...? Help!

I'll never forget you, Bob!

Where are they taking them?

To the porch of losers.

When you're hit, you go up on the porch and watch the rest of the competition and have snacks.

Ooh, snacks.

Snacks?

Teddy!

Teddy: Eh?

What kind of snacks?

Uh, cheese and French bread.

Ooh.

Little shrunken pickles.

You're missing out.

Oh, my God, I'm so hungry.

Dad, you got to take cover.

You're a high-value target in a low-value body.

All right, Gene and I will form a strike team and go soak some suckers.

This is one wet T-shirt contest we don't want to win.

No, kids, you're not doing that.

You guys stay close while I talk to the tenants and get them back together.

And... they're gone.

Don't worry, Dad.

You still have me and Mom.

We're like the Secret Service, Bob.

We'll never leave your side.

I'm just gonna get a few little shrunken pickles.

Mom, no.

Oh, right, right, right.

(people shouting)

People, you're being dumb!

I'm sorry to be harsh, but it's tough love.

"Tough love," aka "love."

Am I right?

I'm with you, Bob.

This is madness.

Yes, thank you, Sal!

We got to stay together, like batteries and the things I sell at my store that need the batteries.

Great, Sal. Thanks.

Fischoeder (over megaphone): Oh, Bob's getting his little club back together.

Start with the porno guy, that's what they always say.

Where's that coming from?

By the way, if you need more balloons, I've hidden buckets around the garden.

Let's just say one of these trees bears big, wet, jiggly fruit.

Uh, apple tree!

Pineapple! Raisin tree!

No guessing from the porch of losers.

Look, it's Harold and Edith.

Whoa, that tree house is nicer than our house.

That tree is nicer than our house.

Okay, you hit Edith, I'll hit Harold, then we'll climb up and see how rich squirrels live.

Ready?

Hi-ya!

Man, that old prune can throw a balloon.

There's more where that came from, baby!

Harold, defend the perimeter!

Huh? Wha...? Oh, all right.

(grunts)

Retreat! Retreat!

Bob.

What?

I got an idea.

We can use my bra as a balloon launcher.

Linda, no, we're not throwing balloons.

Also, that idea is not good.

I think it's genius.

It's not genius.

Sure, it is!

A bazonga bazooka!

Ha!

Listen, we got to find a protected spot where we can reason with the tenants without getting hit.

Dad, look.

Fischoeder: Oh! It looks like Bob the rat has found the hedge maze.

Ugh, he's watching us.

We're going somewhere else!

Not the hedge maze!

Don't listen to him!

He's in the hedge maze!

Watch your step, Bob.

I have a suspicion our maid has been tossing the garbage in there instead of walking it to the curb.

You hear that? Inga?

Tina (quietly): Jimmy Jr. And Zeke.

You guys keep going.

I'll take care of these two.

All right, but be careful, Tina.

I was born careful.

Remember? You were there.

Damn, J-Ju.

We're out of balloons in a balloon fight... worst time to be out of balloons.

Yeah. Where's that balloon bucket?

Tina: Boys.

Tina! (screams)

No balloons, huh?

I have one.

But there are two of you. Hmm.

Tina, girl, just let us go.

Yeah, let us go!

I could. Or I could throw my balloon at you, Zeke...

(gasps) ...and spend some time alone with Jimmy Jr.

In this romantic/creepy hedge maze.

That'd be okay, yeah.

Hold up now, girl. Hold up!

Uh, you, uh... you know I like you, right?

What?

I said I like you. A lot.

I'm up to my butt in it, T-bird. Come on!

Huh.

Hell, J-Ju takes you for granted.

Zeke!

Sorry, J-Ju, it's the truth.

Tina, wh-what are you doing?

I was just about to ask you on a romantic date!

Bull feces!

Okay, Jimmy Jr., if I agreed to go on a date with you, where would you take me?

Um, to, uh... to... the drugstore.

Ugh.

Zeke, can you do better than the drugstore?

Do what?

Do better than the drugstore!

Uh, tacos, then to the touch tank at the aquarium.

Check out the octopuses.

Get tacos again.

Maybe wash it down with some-something to drink.

All sorts of good stuff, girl.

Jimmy Jr.? Your move.

Uh... I-I...

Just so you guys know, I'm not enjoying this.

It's very stressful.

But let's keep going.

We're out in the open, kids.

Ready to shield Daddy?

Front shield!

Back shield!

Great. Great.

I, uh... I love you.

Yay! Yay!

Shh!

Listen, I don't know if anyone can hear me, but we can still turn this around.

We just have to stop fighting each other.

Jimmy (mocking): Me, me, me, me, me, me, fighting each other.

(mumbling)

Ugh. Jimmy.

Hey, uh, sorry this isn't working out for you, pal.

Yeah, well, it could still work out, Jimmy.

I convinced Sal to stop playing.

Oh, Sal, you in there?

Yeah.

Well, wait, uh, you don't want to win half off your rent?

Don't listen to him, Sal.

Guys in your line of work are hurting.

Are we ever. Damn lnternet.

(groans)

Nowadays, people only come into a s*x shop if you give 'em a "boutique experience."

Pshh.

Jazz music playing.

Oh... Huh.

They want clean floors now.

Oh, disgusting! Poor Sal.

Boy, you really need to win this thing, huh?

Sal, you see what he's doing, right?

No.

Oops. I, uh, gently dropped a water balloon on the grass, and it's rolling under the hedge to you, Sal.

That's weird.

(quietly): Throw it at Bob.

Throw it at Bob.

Don't pick it up, Sal.

Come on, kids.

Throw it at Bob.

JIMMY/ANDY/OLLIE: Throw it at Bob.

Throw it at Bob! Huh!

Sal...

Throw it at Bob! Eh!

Throw it at Bob! Huh!

Uh-oh, we're losing him.

Throw it at Bob! Eh!

Throw it at Bob!

(slow motion): Sal, no...!

(grunts)

(shouts)

(sobbing): I'm sorry, Bob and Linda!

Linda, are you okay? You blocked that with your face.

Yeah. My whole face flashed before my eyes.

What is wrong with you people?!

They're not listening, Bob.

So screw 'em.

You got to fight.

And I'm gonna have some snacks.

(grunting)

Lin, what are you doing?

The bazonga bazooka... use it.

I... don't think I will.

Bob, listen carefully!

You put a balloon in each cup.

Pull it back like a slingshot.

No, I get it.

Aim it slightly up!

It's not that complicated.

I love you, Bobby. Good luck!

She's right.

Screw these people.

Good news, Mr. Fischoeder!

You got me in your balloon fight!

And I'm gonna win it!

You hear that?!

I heard most of it... I can't always understand your accent.

I don't have an acc... I...

Never mind!

Anyway I'm gonna win!

I'm playing the game!

Is this what you people wanted?

Huh? Huh?! Come on out!

May I propose an alliance?

Ha!

You could've just said no.

Fischoeder: Attaboy, Bob!

That's the wrong size for you, Dad.

But a good color.

(gasps)

Did Mom tell you to take her bra and use it as a balloon launcher?

Yes. How did you know that?

Mom and I have talked through this scenario dozens of times.

Take it. I-I don't really want it.

Wish me luck, kids!

Yeah, okay, luck!

Come on, Gene.

We're going back to the tree house to take out a couple of old coots.

We've got superior firepower.

Superior and padded for comfort!

"How do you know when it's the right time to kiss a girl?"

Uh, at breakfast, in the afternoon, in the jungle, when you're married, and at the doctor's.

Great answer.

Whew, that was tough.

Ugh, how long do we have to play this game, Tina?

Until I make my decision.

Well, it's getting boring!

Maybe you just made my decision for me.

Uh-oh!

You know what?

I'm gonna back away.

And if you're gonna throw it, go ahead.

(grunting)

Don't walk away.

It's not walking.

It's dancing.

It's walking!

It's a backward dancy strut.

Don't make me do it!

Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Damn it, Jimmy!

(grunts)

Whoops.

Ha-ha! It's my turn now.

Uh-oh, Tina!

Why'd you say all that stuff, Zeke?

Why'd you tell Tina I've had work done?

It's not true!

Oh, like you were born with that nose.

You're the one with the perfect lips!

Where'd you get those?!

Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't you throw it at Tina, and we'll be friends again.

No, I'm not sure I like that idea.

Hey, look, a hedge!

Bye! I think we were all winners here.

Aah! I'm afraid of heights!

You're on the first step.

You look like an ant from here!

Why do you think they want to get up there so bad?

You want the high ground in a balloon fight.

Edith would know that.

She fought the dinosaurs.

Come on, help me tie Mom's bra to a tree.

Then let's tie my underwear to a bird.

Get back on that ladder, Harold.

You're not having a heart attack.

You've never had a heart attack.

I did once.

That was a stroke, if you could even call it that, you big baby.

Okay, ready for launch.

This is it.

Let's make "Double D" stand for doused and dampened.

Oh!

Aah! Damn!

Wow. I did not expect that to work.

Wait till the Army hears about this.

(both grunting)

(gasps)

It's everything we've ever wanted!

Can we get our mail here?

Tree mail!

Tree cable!

Uh, hello?

Felix? Do you live here?

Uh, yes. My brother kicked me out of the main house because I have sleep apnea, and sleep fartnea.

(gasps)

Look! Balloons!

Of course! "One of these trees bears wet, jiggly fruit."

That is a weird thing to say.

Oh, my God, balloons!

Let's play!

Bob: Kids?

Bob: Kids?!

Dad?

Good, you got the high ground!

Okay, wait for my signal.

We're gonna pound these punks!

Whoa. Who's the new guy?

(laughing)

♪ Would you like to ride ♪ ♪ In my beautiful balloon? ♪ ♪ Would you like to glide in my beautiful balloon? ♪ ♪ We could float among the stars together, you and I ♪ ♪ Oh, we can fly ♪ ♪ Yeah, we can... ♪

Linda: (gasps)

It's Bobby and Tina!

It's just the Belchers and the Pestos now.

Go, Bobby, go!

Ooh, salami!

Who catered this?

Jimmy, come out.

This ends now!

(grunts)

Tina!

Hey, you broke my balloon!

(chuckles)

Well, at least it was fair and square.

In my back when I wasn't looking.

Give up, Bob.

I've got more balloons than you, and I've got boy shields.

Hi, Louise and Gene and Tina's Dad!

Back shield, ease up on my throat!

Sorry!

(coughs)

You may have boy shields, Jimmy, but I have boy and girl snipers!

I said...

(loudly): I have boy and girl snipers!

These are dolls and a tree house for the dolls to play in.

Mmm.

Oh, whoa, whoa, careful, please.

They're made to look like antiques.

Bob: Snipers! Shoot him!

Oh, crap.

Oh, they're too far away.

Mom's bra doesn't have that kind of range.

I guess Mom's never really had to launch her boobs very far.

Uh, do you want to use this maybe?

Uh, yeah! Why do you have this?

It's how I send my dirty laundry over to the main house.

Load it up! Quick!

(cackling)

Ha! You only got my kids, idiots!

All right, Bob...

Wait. Good-bye kiss!

Good-bye kiss!

Oh, God. Okay, okay, okay, go, go, go, go!

Let's see if you can dodge this.

Son of a bitch!

Sorry, Dad.

Yeah, sorry.

(grunting)

All right, all right.

Easy now, easy now.

Uh, Bob? What's the problem?

Yeah, quit hot-dogging and do it already.

This is the last balloon.

Yes, yes, yes. Get to it, you grandstanding foreigner.

No, I have the last balloon.

That means the game doesn't end till I say it does.

You all have to listen to me!

Ha-ha!

We were gonna work together, but no!

You wanted to play this stupid game, and now you all lose!

Oh, someone's a sore winner.

What made me think people coming together could accomplish anything?

People are the worst!

Coming together is the worst!

Are you finished yet?

No!

As long as I have this balloon, you will hear me!

I will be heard! Damn it.

Well, let's call that a tie.

How about this?

New game. Everybody get Bob.

What?

That's right. Each time anyone hits Bob with a balloon, they get $50 off their rent, and, uh, Bob gets $50 added.

What?! How do I win?

Uh, uh, you have to... last until sundown.

That's when the game ends.

And lnga and I watch World's Craziest Car Chases.

Ready, everyone?

Wait! No, no, no, no, no!

Bob, you have ten seconds to run.

Ten, nine, eight, six, one.

Go!

(Bob screaming)

Help!

Leave Bob alone!

(panting)

This is how they want to play it?

(grunting)

Felix, do you have any more dirty clothes?

How dirty we talking?

Wow me.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(Bob screaming)

I'll try to keep this briefs.

(all yelling)

(grunts)

Go, Bob! Go!

(Bob yelling)

Whoa.

Man (in distance): I'm gonna look over here!

Oh, I got to hide.

(grunting)

Woman: Where are you?

Man: Got a balloon for you.

Wow, Dad might just make it through this thing.

It's almost sundown.

It's almost sundown?

I didn't bring my evening face cream.

Where do you think Dad is hiding?

(creaking)

And did that pig just fart?

Hi, Dad.

You farted.

(quietly): It was the seat. Go away!

Get in the pig with you? You got it.

No, you guys are gonna draw attention.

I can win this thing if I just lay low for another 20 minutes.

So you're saying we better get comfortable?

(grunting)

Bob: No, no, no, no!

Bob? You over there, buddy?

It's not safe here.

I have to make a run for it.

Dad, running's not your thing.

Do you have a plan that involves standing around all the time?

You're right. Dad can't move very well.

Thanks, Tina.

But maybe we can move Dad.

Push harder!

(grunting)

Yes.

That's great!

That could work!

He's over there!

Get him!

Bob? Oh, God. Oh, God.

Back off, you maniacs!

Leave my Bobby alone!

Step aside, Linda.

Make me, Reggie!

Come on, sandwich man, you want to dance?!

Get back! That pig up there is our father!

And our dad's in there!

We didn't come this far to not throw balloons at Bob.

Move, please.

Okay. You know what? Fine.

You want to win money off your rent? Be my guest.

Uh, Linda?

It's over, Bob. You're getting ballooned.

What do you got, 50 balloons?

A hundred?

That sounds high.

Our rent's gonna be nuts.

We'll go out of business, live in a box.

You kids are gonna have to work in factories.

I want to work at C&C Music Factory!

Linda, what are you doing?

Zip it, Bob!

You had it coming after everything you did.

You brought everyone together, looked out for 'em, stood up for what's right.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

Go ahead, destroy everything this family's worked for.

Oh, goodie! I'm just in time.

Looks like Bob is about to be ballooned.

Direct hits only, people.

No splash, no cash.

Horrible aim.

What's wrong with you people?

Must be a case of mass butterfingers.

We're standing with Bob.

Yeah, just like before, but this time for real.

Right, Jimmy?

Ah, I wanted to throw a balloon at Bob.

It's fine. I'll throw something at him later.

Maybe a meatball.

Thanks, everyone.

Rent hike, rent strike!

All (chanting): Rent hike, rent strike!

Oh, I get it.

Just because I'm a landlord, and I wear a white suit and an eye patch, and I raise your rent and ride around and throw firecrackers at you, I'm the bad guy.

Well, landlords have problems.

Landlords have problems.

So long.

(pedal clicking)

(groans) See?

My golf cart loses its charge just like yours.

Oh. Mr. Fischoeder, I-I just realized something.

Is... is it okay if I sit?

Mm. People are staring.

Mr. Fischoeder, before I got all these people together, maybe I should have come to you first and talked to you one-on-one.

Mm.

I should have given you a chance to be the good guy. Mm.

I've known you a long time, and I just realized now I might have... hurt your feelings.

Here's the thing, Bob.

I like you.

You're good people, sort of.

You don't have to say "sort of."

And I've always thought of myself as the kind of landlord you could pal around with.

Someone you could pat on the butt as a sign of affection.

That would...

I... I would do that.

No, but don't touch me.

The truth is, Bob, I was only raising the rent so you would notice me.

Really?

No. I wanted a pool.

You can't get chicks with a hedge maze.

Sure. Makes sense.

Bob, I've reconsidered.

Maybe I could postpone the pool and the rent hike for a year or two.

(cheering)

You'll be out of business by then, Bob, don't worry.

Thank you, Mr. Fischoeder.

I know exactly how we should celebrate.

(excited shouting)

(laughs) Don't hit my pants!

I'm wearing white.

You'll see the outline of my wiener.

Oh, what the hell.

Fire away!