Best Friends Redux

Ooh, new answering machine. Yes. And do me a favor, this time if you don't like someone's message, just press delete. Don't flush it down the toilet. [Beep] Hi, this is Bugs and Daffy. We're not here, please leave a message. Whoa, whoa, whoa. How do you know I'm not here? Maybe I'm screening the call. Fine. You leave the message. Really? [Gasps] My voice on the answering machine? Thanks, Bugs. [Clears throat] [Beep] Hello. Hello? I can't hear you. I can't hear anything you're saying. Speak up! Louder! Ha ha ha! Just kidding. This is an outgoing message, and you just got pranked. Burn! Oh, man. Think how stupid everyone will feel when they call us. Classic bit, huh? Oh, yeah, classic. [Beep] This is Bugs and Daffy. We're not here. Please leave a message. [Stammering] Thanks for getting us tickets, Bugs. That was an amazing game. I don't know what you were watching, but to me, they looked terrible. They were out of sync, totally lackluster, zero energy. It's like they never had a single practice. What are you talking about? Our team won. I'm not talking about the players, I'm talking about the cheerleaders. And I'm sorry, if your back leg isn't straight, it's not the splits. [Beep] You have one new message. Bugs, what's up, doc? It's me, Rodney. Rodney? Who's Rodney? - Shh. - Hey, long time no talk, man. Listen, you're never gonna believe it, but I'm gonna be in town tomorrow. Let's get together, all right? It's been too long since I've seen my best friend. Best friend? Give me a call back. [Beep] Who was that? Rodney Rabbit. He's an old friend of mine. He seems to think he's your best friend. Oh, well, whatever. What do you mean "whatever"? Either he's your best friend of he's not. Best friend. Daffy, grownups don't have best friends. You have a bunch of friends. Rodney's great. You'll love him. What are you doing? Flushing this thing down the toilet. Man, Bugs, you haven't changed a bit. So how did you guys meet? Summer camp. Lame. Camp Winninake. Camp Winninake? I went to camp Winninake. Oh, really? I don't remember you there. What cabin were you in? We were cabin 7, the Sharks. Oh, cabin 3, the Tadpoles. None of us could swim, so we did a lot of inside activities. Ooh, man, I remember the first day of camp. I didn't even want to get off the bus. But then I met Bugs and we became best friends. Ugh. So how did you two meet? Oh, well, we met at the-- Just let me tell it, Bugs. You always tell it wrong. We met during the war. I was in the Navy. A young captain stationed on a submarine. Captain, may I introduce the new co-captain. - Bugs Bunny. - Daffy Duck. [Alarm sounds] What was that? Both: Giant sea turtle! Underwater team in a submarine And we've been best friends ever since. That's a television show. We met at the post office. In fact, I remember I was mailing you a letter. Hey, man, you got a stamp? Uh, sure. What else you got? And he just kind of never went away. Hmmph! Oh, hey, Bugs. Remember that time we were at the beach trying to look all cool and that giant wave knocked us over? [Both laugh] Remember that time we tried to sneak into the rodeo and we got chased by that bull? [Both laugh] Remember that time those two guys were talking about stuff that nobody cared about? - Huh? - Nothing. Porky and I have to go to the bathroom. I don't have to go to the bathroom. Hey! Now you do. Unbelievable, that guy. Rodney? I think he's nice. Not Rodney. Rodney's nothing. Rodney's less than nothing. I'm talking about Bugs. He obviously considers Rodney his best friend. Who knows if I'm even his second best friend. For all I know, I'm his third best friend. I gotta do something about this, fast. So if Bugs is your best friend, who's your second best friend? Tina. Oh. Uh Third best friend-- Big Fat Rooster. Fourth--Speedy. Fifth--a tie between Pete the Puma and Marvin the Martian. I'm sixth? No, Carl is sixth. Who's Carl? I don't know, some dude I met in the Phoenix airport. But you're definitely my seventh best friend. Oh, pardon me. Well, that was unexpectedly polite. You know what, that guy is seventh. You're eighth. No, wait. Granny is eighth. You're ninth. Ooh, barely in the top 10, Porky. I'm surprised we hang out at all. But keep trying, anything's possible. Hey, Bugs, who am I? "Hey, can I borrow your towel?" [Laughter] Ohh! Sorry, Daffy. Inside joke. [Telephone rings] Hey, will you get that? Ha ha ha! Will you get that? Ha ha ha! That's hilarious! Sorry, Rodney, you wouldn't get it. Ha ha ha! [Ring] It's an inside joke between me and Bugs. We got a ton of them. [Ring] - Hello? - Hey, it's Porky. You said to call when I was out front. Uh, I'm getting the mail. Daffy reminds me of someone. I've never met anybody remotely like him. Why'd you want to talk to me in my car? Because we need to speak privately about a very delicate matter. I need you to help me get rid of Rodney. You mean murder? What? No. I'm gonna make Bugs jealous by pretending that you and I are best friends so that he'll dump Rodney and make me his best friend. Or I guess we could go with your murder idea. I am not murdering anyone. Well, don't make me feel weird about it, you brought it up. Why do you want my help anyway? What about Tina? Or the 7 other friends above me? Porky, Porky, look. If you help me do this, I promise I will make you my fifth best friend. That's a big jump. And think about it, if Bugs, Tina, big fat rooster, and speedy ever get abducted by an alien, then you would automatically become my best friend. Unless the alien was super cool, then he'd be number one and you'd be number two. Which is still miles above where you are now. Ok, I'll do it. That's why you're my ninth best friend. [Chuckles] - So what's the plan? - It's very simple. I'm going to use my patented bomb, hook, and hammer. What's the bomb, hook, and hammer? [Scoffs] I happen to know that Bugs and Rodney are going to the movies this afternoon. And if I know Bugs, and I do because I'm his best friend, he'll ask if I'd like to tag along. And this is where I will drop the bomb. I will say no. I'll tell him that I can't join them at the movies because I have other plans. The hook. What plans? I'll tell them that I'm already going to the movies with my best friend-- Porky Pig. The hammer. Bugs will be so jealous, he'll kick Rodney to the curb and beg me to be his best friend. It's foolproof. Ha ha ha! Oh, hey, Rodney and I are going to the movies. You want to come? No. Ok. [Engine starts] I'd hate to be in that car when that bomb goes off. Any second that bomb's gonna go off and he's gonna slam on the brakes, throw it in reverse, and plead for me to take it back. It's gonna be so embarrassing for him. Oh! There go the brakes. Nope, driving on. But the bomb will go off. We just have to wait. [Dog barking in distance] I think I'm gonna go home. Any second. Hey, granny, let me know if a bomb goes off. I'm gonna watch some TV. Ooh, my show. Admiral Craddleberg is dropping depth chargers on us. But we're allies. He's supposed to be our friend. Captain, we're running out of air. This is the end. Ohh. Wait, the time vortex. Of course, the time vortex. We could go back in time to before the attack. No, no, we'll go back even further than that. We'll go back to before we ever even met admiral Craddleberg. That's it. I'll go back in time and stop Bugs and Rodney from meeting in the first place. It's so simple. All I need is a time vortex. Well, what do you think, I keep a time vortex in my closet? Well, I don't. It's in my garage. And you aren't allowed to use it. Now, just get on out of here. Messing around with time travel is serious business, especially for a fool like you. [Scoffs] Oh, lord, speaking of time, I'm gonna be late for the PTA meeting. Mmm. No time to take the minivan. I wonder how long the average PTA meeting is. I'll fix this window when I get back. Whoa! Maybe the witch is right. Maybe I shouldn't get involved with time travel. I mean, how does it even work? What do I do, just tell it to send me back in time to the moment before Bugs and Rodney meet? It can't be that simple. Aah! Aah! Uhh! Where am I? Camp Winninake! This is when Bugs and Rodney first meet. Is that Bugs? Eh, what's up, doc? That's Bugs. Bugs Bunny? You're in cabin 7, the Sharks. Now, where's that little home wrecker Rodney? [Gasps] A-ha! Are you Rodney Rabbit? Yes. I'm the camp director, Chuck Winninake. I'm afraid I have some bad news. What is it? Well, unfortunately, we're overbooked. What does that mean? It means there's no room for anymore campers. Sorry for the mix-up, kid, but it looks like you're gonna have to turn around and go back home. Have a good summer! Away from Bugs Bunny. Now, where's that time vortex? Sir? Sir! Can you help me find my cabin? Sir? Sir, cabin 3? [Gasps] Porky? Where are the other camp halls? But Is this cabin 3? Just go knock on the door. [Engine starts, tires screech] Hello. Hi. What's your name? Porky. What's yours? Porky. Hey. What's up, doc? Excuse me? What do you want to do today? Movies, grab some lunch? I'm sorry, do I know you? Ha ha. It's me, Daffy. Daffy Duck. Your best friend. I think you have me confused with someone else. I've never seen you before in my life. How is this possible? I made is so Bugs doesn't know Rodney, but why doesn't he know me? Granny! You know me, right? It's me, Daffy. Yosemite! What's going on? What happened? I'll tell you what happened. You broke into my garage and messed with my time vortex. You know me? Child, I'm not a witch for nothing. Come with me. So what you're saying is if Bugs didn't ever meet Rodney, then he wouldn't have gone to the post office to mail him a letter. And if he didn't go to the post office to mail him a letter-- - that's right, you don't ever meet Bugs. So you got to undo what you done. Or redo what you didn't do. You mess with time, it all gets so confusing. Uhh! [Gasps] Ok, where are they? There's Bugs. Where's Rodney? [Engine roaring] Oh, no, I'm too late. Stop! Stop! [Growls] Stop! Mr. Winninake? Call me Chuck. There was a clerical error. Turns out there is room at the camp. You're in cabin 7. You're a shark. Actually, I don't think I want to go to camp. Is it ok if I just go home? No! I mean, you can't. I didn't really want to go to camp in the first place. I don't know anyone here. I don't have any friends. You don't yet, but you will. In fact, I can guarantee that you're about to meet a really great friend. Will he be my best friend? You know, it's funny. Grownups don't have best friends. You're friends with a bunch of people. And the more you have, the better. By the way, I lied. Grownups do have best friends, and he's gonna be mine! The carrot peeler paid for all of this? Man, I gotta invent something. Bugs! Bugs! [Gasps] Bugs. I'm so happy to see you. And, Rodney, get in here. I'm just so glad you guys are friends. Uh, do I know you? Oh, no, no, it still didn't work. Well, I've just never seen you act this nice before. Oh, thank goodness. Oh, wait a second. I know who you remind me of. Our camp director, Chuck Winninake. Chuck Winninake? Our camp director was Edward hart. What? No! You remember him? Chuck Winninake. He looked just like Daffy. I don't remember that. You know what, what do you say we just enjoy the present, huh? Let the past stay in the past. [Gasps] Little Porky. [Shudders] Well, long eared drifter riding cross the plain nobody'd ever seen him, nobody knew his name when he stormed into town and reached for some filtered water and come carrot neeblers well, a pretty little filly stopped the stranger and she said, step into my saloon and rest your weary head but the stranger just shook his head and said I'll have a nicoise salad 'cause there's good carbs and bad carbs and every cowboy knows the carbs from fruits and vegetables will help you fit your clothes speaking of which, I'm gonna need some more carrot neeblers then he saw black Bart standing in the sunrise he had gristle in his teeth and diabetes in his eyes and he said, Bart, you and me's gonna square off over a yogurt parfait but Bart scooped up the woman and he took off riding hard he took her to a taco stand that makes everything with lard he ordered 16 tacos made with bullets, beef, and flour he said, girl, you're gonna eat these even if it takes an hour well, that's when that old stranger came riding up fast his dismounted his pony and took a shot of wheatgrass this taco party's over, said the stranger with a draw you eat that junk, you'll Jack up your bad cholesterol and one more thing, buddy you forgot your parfait 'cause when you're fighting evil, every healthy cowboy knows you gotta keep your blood sugar from getting too low 'cause if you don't, you better know, Joe you're gonna get real sleepy well, Bart just laughed and said, I don't need that trash I live on steak and ice cream, corned beef hash and I'd mow you down right now if I wasn't feeling so sluggish the stranger pushed that parfait towards him and he stared Bart down and a hush and a chill fell across the town and everybody froze as Bart reached and took a bite of his parfait well, Bart's cheeks got rosy and his hair regained its sheen he said, it's my sugar intake that's been making me so mean speaking of which, stranger, won't you share some of those carrot neeblers and now two cowboys ride across that dusty land vanquishing darkness and eating oat bran and one thing you better understand, man they hardly ever get sleepy they also enjoy stir-fry they carefully control their portions and they keep food journals and they share their neeblers healthy cowboys Well, this is it. Which one's my cabin? They're right over there. You're a tadpole. Wait. No, you're over there. Cabin 7, the Sharks. No, I'm not. I mean, no, he's not. You're gonna be with the cool kids. I am? You can do it. Who knows, maybe one day you'll grow up to be my second best friend. Hi. Thanks, Daffy. I like being your second best friend. You know, now that I think about it, it was pretty nice of the witch to let me use her time vortex. Yeah, I probably should make her my second best friend. Kidding! Ha ha ha!