Napoleon Brainaparte

[RULE, BRITANNIA PLAYING]

Narrator: PARIS, PARIS [MUSIC STOPS] [LA MARSEILLAISE PLAYING] PARIS, 1805.NAPOLEON IS AT THE HEIGHT OF HIS POWERS. ALL OF FRANCE AWAITS HIS VICTORIOUS RETURN FROM AUSTRIA.

YOU WANT THE FULL TREATMENT, MADAME?

OUI. I MUST LOOK FANTASTIC FOR NAPOLEON'S RETURN. WILL IT HURT?

[LAUGHS] VERY MUCH.

NAPOLEON! NAPOLEON!

RAH! RAH! RAH!

I DO NOT CHEER NAPOLEON, PINKY. I SCORN HIM. HE IS A LUCKY AMATEUR-

WHO'S ABOUT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD BEFORE YOU DO?

PLEASE, PINKY, SPARE ME. THREE MONTHS FROM NOW, HE'LL BE SWEEPING THE SEWERS WITH A BUNCH OF STICKS WHILE WE WILL CONTROL THE WORLD.

OH, RIGHT. FORGOT. SORRY.

ALLEZ, MEECES, ALLEZ!

WHOA! AHHH!

AAH! I LOVE IT!

NOW, YOU SHOULD NOT WASH YOUR HAIR FOR 3 MONTHS.

OH, SO SOON?

GONE AT LAST. OBSEQUIOUS BUFFOONS.

RIGHT-O, BRAIN! NARF! OBSEQUIOUS!

[GRUNTS] PINKY, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT "OBSEQUIOUS" MEANS?

NO. BUT IT SOUNDS SQUISHY. OOH, I LOVE SQUISHY.

CAREFUL, PINKY, SOMEONE MIGHT MISTAKE YOU FOR A CAREER RODEO CLOWN. WHEN NAPOLEON RETURNS TO PARIS, ALL OF FRANCE WILL CELEBRATE WITH RICH, HEAVY MEALS, TOPPED OFF WITH THE COUNTRY'S MOST POPULAR DESSERT-- CREPES SUZETTE. AND AS PART OF TONIGHT'S PLAN, PINKY, I HAVE ALTERED THE RECIPE FOR CREPES SUZETTE TO MAKE IT HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE BY ADDING ONE MORE INGREDIENT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

UM, LITTLE BITS OF GRANITE?

OH, YES, LITTLE BITS OF GRANITE. MMM, YUMMY. NO, PINKY, THE SECRET INGREDIENT IS NUTMEG. IT WILL TURN THE FLAMING DESSERT INTO A WILDLY EXPLOSIVE DEVICE. THEN, AS CREPES ARE LIT ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, THE RESULTANT FIERY CHAOS WILL PROVIDE US WITH AMPLE TIME TO SEIZE CONTROL. PINKY?

HA HA. BRAIN, HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHEN YOU POKE YOUR FINGER WAY DOWN INTO YOUR BELLY BUTTON IT MAKES YOUR EARS POP? HA HA! ZORT!

THE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU, PINKY, IS THAT I DEPEND ON YOUR HELP.

WHAT'S THE BAD NEWS, BRAIN?

I DEPEND ON YOUR HELP. NOW, START RUNNING!

OOMPH! NARF! OOH, I LOVE THAT SOUND, DON'T YOU, BRAIN? PHOOMP! HA HA! BRAIN?

I'M INSIDE THE CRÃEPES.

EGAD, BRAIN, SUIT YOURSELF.

THE NUTMEG, PINKY--

RIGHT!

DON'T ADD THE NUTMEG.

DON'T?

FURTHERMORE, IN PREPARATION FOR NAPOLEON'S RETURN, THE STREETS MUST BE CLEARED OF ALL UNDESIRABLES, RABBLE-ROUSERS, REVOLUTIONARIES, IN FACT, ANYBODY THAT LOOKS REALLY WEIRD, EXCEPT YOU, VA! OFF THE STREETS. AND WE NEED A NEW BANNER FOR THE PALACE ENTRANCE. "WELCOME HOME, SHORTY"? THAT WILL NEVER DO.

BUT, HE IS A TINY LITTLE MAN.

NEVER SAY THAT! HE HATES THAT!

EGAD, BRAIN, THAT WAS BRILLIANT. BUT OH, NO, NO! HOW ARE WE GOING TO MAKE ENOUGH OF THESE FOR THE WHOLE COUNTRY?

FIRST THINGS FIRST. GRRRR! AAARRR! AAAAARRRR! THERE. I'M RENEWED. PINKY, GIVE A MAN A FISH AND HE'LL EAT A MEAL. TEACH HIM TO FISH, AND HE'LL EAT FOR LIFE.

OH, GOODY, FISHING.

NO, PINKY, TEACHING. WE WILL TEACH THE RECIPE TO OTHERS AT THE COOKING SCHOOL, AND THEN THEY WILL AID US IN CONQUERING THE WORLD!

OH, RIGHT. THEN, FISHING.

OH, I AM SO BORED WITH FLAMING DESSERT CLASS.

BOURGEOIS! FLAMING DESSERTS NEVER CHANGE.

BONSOIR, CLASS. I AM MONSIEUR JEAN JACQUES JEAN JEAN JEAN. I'LL BE YOUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER FOR THE EVENING. TODAY, STUDENTS, WE SHALL COOK CRÃPES SUZETTE. HOWEVER, IN HONOR OF NAPOLEON'S RETURN, WE SHALL CHANGE THE RECIPE.

[BOTH GASP] CHANGE THE RECIPE?

FINALLY, SOMETHING NEW!

OOF!

IT'S PERFECT.

OH, THANK YOU, MONSIEUR.

LIGHT THEM. AT THE FEAST OF NAPOLEON'S RETURN, MY STUDENTS, REMEMBER THIS-- "NUTMEG SHALL COVER THIS CREPE SUZETTE AS NAPOLEON'S RULE SHALL COVER THE EARTH." AND ONCE HAVING SAID THIS--

ADD THE NUTMEG!

NO, NO, NOT-

BRAIN? BRAIN?

[GROANS]

EGAD, BRAIN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

ONCE MY BONES HAVE HEALED, PINKY, REMIND ME TO HURT YOU.

RIGHT.

AAH! AAH!

[CLANGS]

OH, CHEER UP, BRAIN, IT COULD BE WORSE.

HOW, PINKY?

WELL, WE COULD BE 2 CANTALOUPES THAT NOBODY BOUGHT AND BE ALL ROTTEN AND SMELLY IN THE BACK OF THE MARKET.

FUNNY HOW THAT DOESN'T CHEER ME UP. NO, PINKY, I'M AFRAID WE'VE LOST OUR STUDENTS AND, WITH IT, OUR CHANCE AT WORLD DOMINATION.

MONSIEUR! MONSIEUR! OH, WE ARE YOUR ETERNAL DISCIPLES, MONSIEUR.

YOU'RE--YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

MORE THAN ALL RIGHT, YOU HAVE RESTORED OUR FAITH IN COOKING AS AN EXPRESSION OF ANARCHY.

TONIGHT, WE WILL SPREAD YOUR CULINARY BREAKTHROUGH TO ALL OF FRANCE.

AU REVOIR, MASTER.

Both: MWAH! MWAH!

MWAH! MWAH!

MWAH! MWAH! MWAH! [LAUGHS]

THE ORDERS ARE-- CLEAR THE STREETS OF RABBLE-ROUSERS, REVOLUTIONARIES, AND ANYBODY THAT LOOKS REALLY WEIRD, EXCEPT HIM.

[YELLING]

ALLEZ, RABBLE-ROUSERS! TO PRISON!

ALLEZ, REVOLUTIONARIES! TO PRISON!

WE MUST BE OFF, PINKY, FOR OUR DISCIPLES ARE WITH US. NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW.

ALLEZ, 2 REALLY WEIRD-LOOKING LITTLE PEOPLE. TO PRISON!

HOW TERRIBLY IRONIC.

AAH! AAH! OOF! OOF!

TO THE DUNGEON.

THEY'VE RUINED MY HAT.

OOH, REAL WOOD.

LOOK, PINKY, THE PALACE OF THE LOUVRE.

[GASPS] EGAD, BRAIN, I JUST HAD A GREAT IDEA. THEY SHOULD BUILD A HUGE GLASS PYRAMID RIGHT IN FRONT OF THAT BIG OLD BUILDING.

THAT'S PREPOSTEROUS, PINKY. THEY MIGHT AS WELL SEND THE LONDON BRIDGE TO AMERICA.

MONSIEUR TALLEYRAND, ALL IS PREPARED FOR NAPOLEON'S RETURN.

EVERYTHING? DID YOU PUT THE LITTLE MINT ON HIS PILLOW?

OUI, MONSIEUR TALLEYRAND.

BON. AH, REMEMBER, EVERYONE, HUMOR THE EMPEROR. LAUGH AT HIS BAD JOKES.

WHAT, UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE, BRAIN?

YOU'RE RIGHT, PINKY, IT DOES MAKE YOUR EARS POP.

[HORSE WHINNIES]

TO THE DUNGEON. TO THE DUNGEON. [GASPS] ZE EMPEREUR!

HIS IMPERIAL HIGHNESS NAPOLEON HAS ARRIVED.

MON EMPEREUR!

HE REALLY IS TINY.

SHH!

EGAD, BRAIN, NICE DUNGEON.

YES. I THINK I'VE BEEN UNDERESTIMATING THE FRENCH.

Man: BRAVO, NAPOLEON!

BRAVO, NAPOLEON!

All: BRAVO, NAPOLEON! HURRAH!

PINKY, ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING?

I THINK SO, BRAIN. BUT FIRST, YOU'D HAVE TO TAKE THAT WHOLE BRIDGE APART, WOULDN'T YOU?

NO, PINKY. THEY THINK I'M NAPOLEON.

WELL, THAT'S WRONG THEN, ISN'T IT? NARF! UM, EXCUSE ME, SLIGHT MISTAKE.

PINKY, NO! AHH! OOF!

Man: NAPOLEON, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

OH, HE'S ALL RIGHT, BUT HE'S NOT NAP--

EXCUSE US. LET ME EXPLAIN, PINKY. WE WANT THEM TO THINK I'M NAPOLEON. A MOST FORTUITOUS SHORTCUT.

OH! BUT, BRAIN, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN FOOL THEM? HMM, IT WILL BE DIFFICULT. THEY'RE EXPECTING A TINY LITTLE MEGALOMANIAC WHO IS BENT ON RULING THE WORLD. INSTEAD, THEY HAVE ME. AHEM. GENTLEMEN, LADIES, THANK YOU FOR YOUR MOST KIND WELCOME. I'M HAPPY TO BE NAPOLEON, UH, HERE, AND IF YOU NEED NAPOLEON FOR ANYTHING, ASK ME, FOR I AM HIM.

[CROWD MURMURING]

Monsieur Tallyrand: AND, UH, HOW DID YOU FIND AUSTRIA, MY EMPEROR?

AUSTRIA? OF COURSE, I, UM I, UH, HOW DID I FIND AUSTRIA? I, UH--

TURNED LEFT AT SWITZERLAND.

I TURNED LEFT AT SWITZERLAND.

[LAUGHING]

OH, EMPEROR.

YES.

EMPEROR... EMPEROR BRAIN.

AHHH. VROOM! VROOM! VROOM! HA HA HA. OH, THIS IS GLORIOUS, BRAIN. OOF! EMPEROR BRAIN. RIGHT. EMPEROR BRAIN. NARF! HA HA HA. OH, IF THEY COULD SEE ME NOW, THEY'D HAVE A FIT. WHO, PINKY? I DON'T KNOW. SOMEONE WHO HAS FITS. OOF! MUST YOU BE SO BIZARRE? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT, BRAIN? WE'RE IN FRANCE. WE AREN'T JUST IN FRANCE, PINKY. AS OF TODAY, WE ARE FRANCE. AND SOON, WE ARE THE WORLD! UM, ARE WE THE CHILDREN? NARF! ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT THERE IS NO ONE IN THE ROYAL PALACE OF FRANCE WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE FRENCH TOAST? MUST I CONQUER ENGLAND TO GET SOME DECENT FOOD? Both: OH! AHH! EGAD, EMPEROR BRAIN, THAT WAS QUITE THE IMPERIAL TANTRUM, I DON'T MIND TELLING YOU, JUST LIKE THE REAL NAPO--OHH! WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE REAL NAPOLEON SHOWS UP, EMPEROR BRAIN? A BIT LOUDER, PINKY. THERE'S A TRUFFLE HUNTER OUTSIDE LIMOGES WHO DIDN'T QUITE HEAR YOU. YOU MEAN ARMAND? FEAR NOT, PINKY. THIS IS NOT A DETAIL I'VE MISSED. BEHOLD, THIS IS A LIST OF IMPERIAL DECREES WHICH I PRESENTED THIS MORNING. BURIED AMONG THEM IS A DECREE BANISHING ANYONE OVER THE HEIGHT OF 8 INCHES FROM ENTERING THE COUNTRY. BY THE TIME NAPOLEON ARRIVES AT THE BORDER, HE WON'T BE ABLE TO GET IN. BANISHED! GENIUS, EMPEROR BRAIN! THERE ARE TIMES, PINKY, THAT I QUESTION OUR FRIENDSHIP. GENTLEMEN, I HAVE SAD NEWS. Both: THE EMPEROR IS INSANE! OUI, BUT IWANTED TO SAY IT. THESE DECREES ARE OUTRAGEOUS. EVERYONE HAS TO BE TAXED ACCORDING TO HEIGHT-- Both: OOH! CLOTHES MUST BE WASHED-- OHH! AND ALL CATS TO BE BANNED FROM FRANCE. [BOTH GASP] BUT WHAT WILL WE FEED THE TOURISTS? GENTLEMEN, I SAY THE EMPEROR MUST BE PERMANENTLY DETHRONED. OK WITH YOU? BON. WE WILL DO IT AT TONIGHT'S GREAT CELEBRATION. EVERYONE WHO IS ANYONE IS HERE. YES, AND YOU AS WELL. [BOTH LAUGH] HA HA HA--UGH! [PLAYING FANFARE] Woman: HIS MAJESTY, THE EMPEROR NAPOLEON. NICE TO SEE YOU. GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT. HEY, RONNIE, HOW ABOUT THOSE HUGUENOTS? TURN AROUND! YOU MAY NOT ENTER. YOU ARE ALL TOO TALL TO ENTER FRANCE. I THINK NOT. YOU MAY PASS. OH, WHAT A MEAL, BRAI--EMPEROR. YES, PINKY. GET USED TO IT. PSSSST! BEFORE DESSERT, THE EMPEROR WILL MAKE A TOAST. THAT IS YOUR CUE. MON EMPEREUR, THE GUESTS--IN FACT, THE ENTIRE COUNTRY AWAITS SOME WORD FROM YOU. [CROWD MURMURING] MADAMES AND MONSIEURS, I THANK YOU FOR THE CELEBRATION OF MY VICTORIOUS RETURN TO FRANCE, AND TELL YOU NOW, I PLAN TO CONQUER THE WORLD. BUT FIRST, DESSERT. NOW! DEATH TO ALL TYRANTS! DEATH TO ALL TYRANTS! EGAD, EMPEROR BRAIN, I THINK HE MEANS YOU. [BOTH SCREAM] [ALL SCREAM] [INDISTINCT TALKING] YOUR MAKER-- HE WAITS FOR YOU. Man: MY EMPEROR! MY EMPEROR! OOF! EMPEROR BRAIN, OUR STUDENTS! IN HONOR OF THIS AUGUST OCCASION, WE PRESENT TO OUR EMPEROR A REALLY, REALLY BIG CRÃPES SUZETTE. IN THE WORDS OF OUR TEACHER-- "NUTMEG SHALL COVER THIS CRÃPES SUZETTE AS NAPOLEON'S RULE SHALL COVER THE EARTH!" IS THIS A GOOD THING, EMPEROR BRAIN? JUST CALL ME BRAIN, PINKY. I BELIEVE THE EMPEROR ROUTINE NEARS COMPLETION. [BOTH SCREAMING] OH, WHAT IS ALL THIS? WE GOT A THING DOWN HERE CALLED THE NAPOLEONIC CODE. AND IT SAYS YOU DON'T START THE PARTY WITHOUT ME. SOMEONE'S HEAD'S GOING TO ROLL FOR THIS, CHARLIE. JOSEPHIIIINE! BRAIN, A CUSTOMER. NOT NOW, PINKY, I'M MAKING PLANS FOR TOMORROW NIGHT. WHY? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TOMORROW NIGHT? THE SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY, TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! ZE'RE DINKY ZE'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN