Ixnay on the Oggie Day

from your child support check this month. Because I paid for Jake's haircut. Yes, it is usually nine dollars, but he wanted to go someplace without hobbyhorses. I know he's never gonna win any beauty contests, but he is our son. Look, I've got a patient. I got to go. Sorry you had to hear that. That's, uh, that's my ex-wife. Bee-yatch. Hello, Mrs. Honeycutt. I'm Dr. Harper. Doctor. Okay, so you are having spasms in your lower back? Yeah, it's awful. Some days I can't even get out of bed. Oh, I know how that is. You have back problems, too? No. Anyway, why don't you lie face down, and we'll see if we can locate the problem. I've tried everything. Acupuncture, yoga, shiatsu. Nothing seems to work. Not surprised. Those Eastern practices are mostly hooey. Modern chiropractic, on the other hand, is built on over 50 years of solid science. Okay, let's take a look at what we've got here. Okay, now is this too much pressure? No. Okay, how about this? No. Okay, now is this where the spasms occur? A little lower. Okay. Here? Lower. Here? Am I hurting you? No! God, no! Nobody's touched me like this since my husband died. Oh, um, I'm so sorry. Um, how long has it been since? That long, huh? Oh, my, it's, uh, pretty pretty sensitive here. Harder! Oh, okay, no problem. Um So, just out of curiosity, how did you find me? Uh, referral? Uh, my Web site? Or the fliers on the counter of the Mongolian barbecue across the street? Shut up and rub! Uh, I'm not technically rubbing. Whoa! Whoa, Nellie. Whoa! Don't stop! I'm not stopping. Oh, spank me! I'm-m sorry? Spank my lonely ass! What?! Do it, bitch! Yes, Doctor, harder! Yes! Oh, God, yes! Okay, let's take a look at the schedule. See what the, uh, rest of the afternoon looks like. Oh, that's not too bad. So, how are you liking your first day at work here? Thank you, Dr. Harper. Uh, you are most welcome. A- And remember, alternating an ice pack with a heating pad is, uh, very helpful for spasming. I'd like to make another appointment. Oh, sure, sure. Uh What were you thinking? Maybe next week, or? Tonight. Uh, tonight? Oh, oh, gloriosky. Uh, uh well, we, uh we close up at 5:00, so So I can expect you at my place at 9:00. Oh, gee. Uh, I-I don't do house calls. Per se. See you at 9:00. Uh, some patients pay in cash. Uh, uh, their insurance, uh, won't cover chiropractic. Uh, part of our ongoing health care crisis. Tragic, really. Uh, by the way, you are doing one heck of a job. In fact, here's a little something for you. Just 'cause your smile lights up the place. You know what? Let's sweeten the pot. Um, can you give me ten back? Not a problem. Can't put a price on a smile. I like the new look. Thanks. It's fashion forward. What does that mean? I don't know. It's what the guy who cut my hair said. He also said it was "fun and fabulous. " Really? Yeah, and he invited Dad to a party. I didn't go. It's just nice to be asked. So, why'd you decide to abandon your classic cereal bowl coif? What's a "coif"? You can't glean it from the context? What's "glean"? Why'd you change your freakin' hair? My new girlfriend wanted me to. If your new girlfriend wanted you to jump off a bridge, would you do that? If she put her tongue in my mouth when she asked me, yeah. Well, I can't blame you. I once bought a woman a car for the same reason. She put her tongue in your mouth? Sure, let's say mouth. Can we get the check, please? Hey, why don't you let me get this one? Really? You're not going to go for the world record? What are you talking about? where you haven't taken out your stupid Velcro wallet. You were counting? Am I close? Nevertheless, I'm paying. You smell that, Jake? The air coming out of your father's wallet has been in there since before you were born. Very funny. Thank you. Wait, wait, wait. Nobody is going to believe this. For God's sake. Hey, isn't that Chelsea's friend, Gail? Oh, yeah. I wonder if I should say hello. I wouldn't mind saying hello. Finish paying the check, you weasel. Hey, Dad, as long as you got your wallet out, I could use some new sneaks. Hmm. Oh Sure. Are you dying? Charlie. Oh, hi, Gail. Great to see you. How've you been? Pretty good. You? Well, you know Yeah, I'm sorry to hear about you and Chelsea. The way it goes. Win some, lose some. Start having liquor delivered straight to your house- you don't have to put on pants. Well, if it's any consolation, I know how you feel. I'm still not over my breakup. But I'm not much of a drinker, so Cheers. Have you, uh have you seen Chelsea? Yeah, actually I had dinner with her, and We had dinner just the other night. Her and Brad? Yeah, come to think of it, he was there. Looks like they're an item now. I guess. You guess? What do you want from me, Charlie? They're in Mexico for the weekend. Mexico. Nice. I went there with her once. I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, it's fine. We had a great time. In fact, when we got back, I bought her a car. Yeah, she told me. Ooh Listen, I got to go, but if you ever want to talk. Oh, thank you. Bye. Bye-bye. For the last time, I am not dying and I'm not sick. Everything's fine. Okay, I got it. But you can understand my skepticism, right? Men. I really don't see why I shouldn't ask her out. Seriously? The woman is Chelsea's best friend. So? She's single, I'm single. She's lonely, I'm lonely. She's gorgeous, I'm well above average. I'm just saying it's a bad idea. I never said it wasn't a bad idea. I said I don't know why I shouldn't do it. What's that? That's a portable massage table. So, what, you're givin' rub-and-tugs on the pier now? No. No, I am a licensed professional, and-and I will not stand here and be accused of unethical behavior. I mean, just because you have no moral compass doesn't mean I don't. And while, yes, that's a triple negative, it nevertheless defines me as the man for whom I am aiming to be! What the hell are you talking about? I am just trying to augment my income by seeing clients in their homes, thus alleviating them of the added stress of commuting, not to mention speed bumps and potholes, of which, as you know, can jostle the spine! Wow, guy picks up one $30 check and he has a brain aneurysm. Men. Yeah? Chelsea? Hey! How are ya? Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, slow down, slow down. Why are you crying? Wait a minute. You're in Mexico? Why on Earth are you in Mexico? Oh, sure, Brad. Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry it's not working out. Well, I love you and I miss you, too. When are you gonna be back? Okay, okay, I'll-I'll see you tomorrow. I can't wait. All right, bye-bye, sweetie. I hope that smile's for me. Uh, who else would it be for? Men. Men. You ready for round two? Well, um yes and no. Something wrong? Yeah. While you were in the bathroom, uh, Chelsea called. Really? Apparently, things didn't go well in Mexico, and she's coming home. Well, that's a shame. Yeah. Anyway, she wants to see me. Said she loves me and misses me. So, one call and you're just gonna go running back? Um, yeah. Well this is awkward. Come on. You know how I feel about her. I do. So, we should probably keep what happened tonight just between us, right? Mum's the word? Zip the lip? Ixnay on the oggie day aisle stay? Of course. You know, we could just pretend that you didn't get the phone call for, like, another hour. We could, couldn't we? But wouldn't that be wrong? I won't tell if you don't. Uh, I'm sorry, Gail. I can't, I can't justify it to myself. Okay. Well, can I at least kiss you good night? Sure. On the other hand, there's no arguing with a boner. Men. Let's see. When Gail came over, it was 11:00 here and midnight in Cabo. When Chelsea called, it was midnight here and 1:00 in Cabo. So when I did Gail at 12:10, Chelsea technically hadn't called yet. Not my best work, but I can live with it. Hey. Tough night, Bunky? I'm a whore, Charlie. Don't be so hard on yourself. Jake needed a haircut, and you had no money. What? No, no! I took money to give a woman pleasure. Wait a minute. You gave a woman pleasure? Oh, you have no idea what powerful orgasms these hands are capable of delivering. No, no, no. I've always known that. I just find it hard to believe they could give them to other people. Yeah, well, maybe this'll convince you. A woman gave you this? Uh-huh, right before she told me she was done with me and I could show myself out. Sounds like a dream date to me. So what's the problem? How do I live with myself? How did you live with yourself before? By thinking I was better than you. Now after all these years, I've finally descended to your level. Oh, no-no-no, no, no. I may have done some questionable things in my life, but I have never taken money for it. That's not to say it wasn't offered. Deservedly so. Fine, I'm worse than you. That's all I'm saying. Well, I am going to take a shower and try to wash the cheapness off me. Better take some steel wool and a cheese grater. Hey, Alan. Oh, Gail Hi. Don't judge me, Pretty Woman. Charlie, I better get going. Right, right. So, uh, you and I are okay? Yeah. I'm just sorry it has to end. Yeah, me, too. Chelsea's a lucky girl. You think so? You should tell her. I mean, don't tell her. Bye. Bye-bye. Thank you, Charlie. For what? Proving once again that I am better than you. Hey, hey, I'm just a rascal! You are a male prostitute! That is a terribly hurtful thing to say. Men. So there we are in this beautiful hotel room overlooking the ocean, and he's on the phone with his mother trying to help her download music to her iPod. You're kidding! And I just sat there thinking, "Charlie would never do this. Charlie hates his mother with a blind passion!" Remember when you used to think that was a bad thing? And when Brad's not on the phone with his mother, he's telling me how much I remind him of his mother. I hope not while you were in bed, 'cause that would reflect badly on everybody. You don't wanna know. There's nothing to know. You went to Mexico with another man, he talked about his mother in bed, and you didn't have sex with him. Charlie Nope! That's what happened. End of story. I should never have let zou go. Well, sometimes you can't appreciate what you've got until you go to Mexico and don't have sex with a mama's boy. I'm sorry about Brad. I know that hurt you. Ah, it's water under the bridge. What you did, what I did, doesn't matter. What did you do? Doesn't matter. Charlie, no secrets. Please, can't I just have one? Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. We were separated. All right, here goes. I was having pizza with Alan and Jake the other day. By the way, Jake got a new haircut. It's just fabulous. Okay, well, you'll never guess who was there getting takeout. Your old buddy Gail. Oh, my God, you didn't. I didn't say I did, but good guess. I don't believe you! What?! We were separated. You were in Mexico with another man. But she's my best friend! Yeah, well, I'd have to say the jury's still out on that. You are such a pig! A- A-A pig who hates his mother. Go to hell! Oh, come on! It was 1:00 in Cabo! Men. Oh! Lower. How about here? Oh, yeah that's how Mommy likes it. Okay, you know what? I'm sorry. I- I can't do this. What's wrong? I am a professional. I studied chiropractic for three years in Guadalajara. And that was with almost no Spanish language skills and a family of parasites living in my colon. And I did not go through all of that to become some sort of G-spot Johnny. Is that what you think you are? Well, you're giving me money, and I'm giving you what I'm giving you. It just, it makes me feel cheap. So it's too much like a business transaction. Exactly. Well, how about we forget the money, and I'll show you something I learned in Guadalajara? What? Ai, yi, yi, yi! Canta y no llores Men. Oh, hey, hi. I'm sorry. I overreacted. Yeah, you kinda did. You're both single, you're both adults, and you and I were separated. Plus you were honest with me, so I'm willing to put it behind us. Oh, thank you. Thank you! I love you so much. I love you, too. Why don't I take you out for a nice lunch and we'll catch up? You wanna go out? I'm a little hungry. Aren't you a little hungry? Gail's upstairs, isn't she? Once again, we were separated and I was vulnerable! Just so we're on the same page, are we still together or am I allowed to go back upstairs?! Oh, damn! Oh, how much madder could she get? Men. Okay, well, I think we're making good progress with the back spasms. Thank you, Doctor. I'll see you on Wednesday. Looking forward to it. Uh, and Mrs. Honeycutt? Yes? Uh, if it's okay with you, I think I'd like to go back to our original arrangement. But you said it made you feel cheap. What can I say? Turns out I am cheap. Your call. Bye-bye. Bye. Have I told you lately that you are doin' a great job? 'Cause you are doin' a great job! In fact, I am going to make you employee of the month. I want an adjustment. Uh, I'm sorry. Are-Are you having back problems? No, I want an adjustment like you give her. Oh, gee, I-I don't think that would be appropriate. All right, then I want a raise and dental insurance.