Megamind

Roxanne: Happy Metro Man Day, Metro City. It's a beautiful day in beautiful downtown, where we're here to honor a beautiful man, Metro Man. His heart is an ocean that's inside a bigger ocean. For years, he's been watching us with his super-vision, saving us with his super-strength and caring for us with his super-heart. Now it's our turn to give something back. This is Roxanne Ritchi, reporting live from the dedication of the Metro Man Museum. [gestures to Hal to stop filming]

Hal: Wow. Okay, the stuff they make you read on-air, that's un-freaking-believable. It's crazy.

Roxanne: I wrote that piece myself, Hal.

Hal: What I was trying to say was, I can't believe that in our modern society, they let, like, actual art get onto the news.

Roxanne: Nice save, Hal.

Hal: What are we... Like, let's just get a coffee or something.

Roxanne: Come on, it's time to get in the Metro Man Day spirit.

Hal: Well, if I were Metro Man, Megamind wouldn't be kidnapping you all the time. That's the first thing.

Roxanne: That’s sweet, Hal.

Hal: And I'd be watching you, like a dingo watches a human baby...

Roxanne: Mmm.

Hal: Okay, that sounded a little weird.

Roxanne: A little bit. Yeah.

Roxanne: What secrets? You're SOOO predictable!

Megamind: Predictable? Predictable? Oh, you call THIS predictable?! [pulls a lever that opens up an alligator pool beneath Roxanne]

Roxanne: Your alligators, yes. Mm-hmm. I was thinking about it on the way over...

Megamind: [pulls another lever that reveals a hidden gun] What's this? Boom! In your face!

Roxanne: Cliché!

Megamind: No! Look! Watch! [brings down a gauntlet of blades]

Roxanne: Juvenile!

Megamind: Shock and awe! [brings up a chainsaw]

Roxanne: Tacky!

Megamind: OH, IT'S SO SCARYU!! [unleashes a cycle of spiked boots]

Roxanne: Seen it!

Megamind: [frantic] What's this one do?! [unleashes a flamethrower]

Roxanne: Garish! [Megamind breaks down] Okay, the spider's new.

Megamind: Spider?

He sees a spider hanging in front of Roxanne. Minion just shrugs

Megamind: Uh... Yes! The...the spiiiider. Even the smallest bite from... "arachnus deathicus"... will instantly paralyze...

Before he can finish, Roxanne blows the spider in Megamind's face. Then Minion punches Megamind in the eye.

Megamind: AARGH! GET IT OFF! IT BIT ME!

Roxanne: Give it up, Megamind. Your plans never work!

Megamind: Oh, I intend to do more than crash it. This is a day you and Metrocity shall not soon forget!

Metro Man: It's pronounced METRO CITY!

Megamind: Oh, potato, tomato, potato, tomato...

Metro Man: We all know how this ends: with YOU behind bars!

Megamind: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm shaking in my custom, baby seal leather boots! [serious again] YOU will leave Metrocity! Or this will be the last you ever hear of... Roxanne Ritchi!

He presses a button to show a captive Roxanne on a separate screen

Megamind: Huh?!

Metro Man: [whispers dramatically] Roxanne! Don't panic, Roxy... I'm on my way!

Roxanne: Yeah, I'm not panicking.

Megamind: [smirking] In order to stop me, you need to find me first, Metro Man!

Roxanne: We're at the abandoned observatory!

Metro Man: Ah-ha!

Megamind: No, we're not! Don't listen to her! She's crazy!

Megamind: Over here, old friend. In case you haven't noticed, you've fallen right into my trap.

Metroman: You can't trap justice. It's an idea! A belief!

Megamind: Well, even the most heartfelt belief can be corroded over time!

Metroman: Justice is a noncorrosive metal!

Megamind: But metals can be melted by the heat of revahnge!

Metroman: It's "revenge", and it's best served cold!

Megamind: But it could be easily reheated, in the microwave of evil!

Metroman: Well, I think your warranty is about to expire!

Megamind: Maybe I've got an extended warranty!

Metroman: Warranties are invalid if you don't use the product for its intended purpose!

Roxanne: [groans] Girls, girls! You're both pretty! Can I go home now?

Megamind: Of course! That is, if Metro Man can withstand the full, concentrated power OF THE SUN!! FIRE!!!!!

Minion: Sir, I think this is a bad idea...

Megamind: Yes! It's a very wickedly bad idea for the greater good of bad!

Minion: But I'm saying it's the kind of bad that-- Okay, you might think it's good from your bad perception, but from a good perception... it's just plain bad.

Megamind: Oh, you don't know what's good for bad!

Pause.

Megamind: Okay. There's no way she'll find the secret entrance.

Roxanne: [gasps excitedly] There's a doormat here that says "Secret Entrance"!

Megamind: [turns around angrily] Minion!

Minion: I kept forgetting where it was.

In the Evil Lair, Megamind is standing on a pedestal, watching Roxanne and having a romantic expression on his face.

Minion: Well, you seem in a very good mood tonight, Sir.

Megamind: Oh, yes. How is this going to take, Minion?

Minion: Just a few alterations, Sir, and I will be done with your most terrifying cape yet! I'm calling it: the Black Mambaaaaaaaaaaa.

Megamind: Black Mamba! Perfect! [checks his watch] Gosh, I'm running late. I have to go. [gets off the pedestal]

Minion: Where...where are you going, sir? We have our debut battle with Titan tomorrow morning. We haven't even tested your big battle suit yet!

Megamind: You attend to the details, Minion. I have to...run a quick errand.

Minion: [suspicious] You don't run errands. What's going on here?

Megamind: What?

Minion: Oh, wait a minute! [sniffs Megamind suspiciously] Are you wearing Jean Paul Gaultier's Pour Homme?

Megamind: It's just my natural musk. Now, where are the car keys? Ah!

Just before he can reach the keys, Minion grasps them out of Megamind's sight.

Minion: This is about Miss Ritchi, isn't it? You're going on a date with her!

Megamind: [laughs] No, my main man! Get out of town!

Minion stretches the arm in which his hand is holding the car key

Minion: Oh, this is bad... This is bad! You've fallen in love with her!

Megamind: You are forgetting your place, Minion. Now give me the keys!

Minion: What happens when Roxanne finds out who you really are?

Megamind: She'll never find out! That's the point of lying! [pushes a button on Minion’s robotic body which makes his stretched arm fall] Honestly, it I didn't know any better, I'd think this was your first day of being evil.

Megamind: I can explain!...

Roxanne turns away in anger.

Megamind: What about everything you just said? About judging a book by its cover?

Roxanne: Well, let's take a look at the contents then, shall we? You destroyed Metro Man, you took over the city, and then, you actually got me to care about you! Why are you so evil? Tricking me? What could you possibly hope to gain?

Megamind looks up at her sadly.

Roxanne: Wait a minute. I don't believe this. Do you really think that I would ever be with you?

Megamind: [quietly] No...

Roxanne: What do you want?

Megamind: [sheepishly] Titan's turned evil.

Roxanne: [sarcastic] Congratulations, another one of your genius plans has backfired on you. And why did my doorman let you up?

Megamind gives her a small cubed box

Roxanne: [gasps] Carlos! [tries to shut the door on Megamind]

Megamind: Please Roxanne, no! No! I need your help.

Roxanne: Why do you need my help?

Megamind: [sighs] Because you're the smartest person I know.

Titan: [on TV] Hey, Megamind, you and I have unfinished business! I’ll be waiting at Metro Tower! And just in case you get cold feet... [reveals a captured Roxanne]

Megamind: Roxanne!

Titan: [o.s.] Come on, Roxie, call for your hero to come rescue you!

Roxanne: Megamind... I don't even know if you're listening, but if you are, you can't give up! The Megamind I knew would never run from a fight, even if he knew he had no chance of winning! It was your best quality. You need to be that guy RIGHT now! This city needs you! I need you.

Megamind: Roxanne...

Titan: You have one hour. Don't keep me waiting!

Titan: [on TV] Hey, Metro losers! This is Metro Tower! They say it's supposed to be a symbol of our city's strength... [shows Roxanne tied to the tower] ...but for me, it's a reminder of the day this woman ferociously ripped out my heart! And I hate reminders! [rips out part of the tower's foundation, swaying it]

Roxanne: HAL! Please don't do this. I know there's still good in you, Hal...

Titan: You're so naive, Roxie. You see the good in everyone, even when it's not there. You're living a fantasy. There is no Easter Bunny. There is no Tooth Fairy. There is no Queen of England. This is the real world, and you need to wake up!

Suddenly, a giant hologram of Megamind's head appears in the sky with the help of Megamind's Brain Bots.

Giant Megamind head: You dare challenge Megamind?!

Tighten: This town isn't big enough for two super-villains!

Giant Megamind head: Oh, you're a villain, alright! Just not a SUPER one!

Tighten: Oh, yeah? What's the difference?

Megamind's giant hologram head opens its mouth and from the inside appears Megamind

Megamind: PRESENTATION!