Just Beat It or Jackson Five Across Yo' Eyes

Black Dynamite (TV series): Season: 1 Episode: 1 [incomplete]

Previously on "Black Dynamite"

[tires screech]

Police: All right, freeze!

Ninja: Aw, look at the police!

Didn't you see the sign? "No Ninja Loitering"!

Who you callin' a ninja?

Backup! Backup! I think I'm gonna need backup!

Get him. Get his ass.

[indistinct shouting]

Look at this old, green bitch. You know what it is! Come up off that purse, ho!

Ninja, please! [screams] You ninja! Don't take my purse!

Ninja: Hey, ho! I been robbing fools all day. Now give a ninja some ass, and it better be clean!

Man: Look here, ninja. You ain't got to talk to Chocolate Giddy u-u-u-up's Bitches like that! [thudding] Black Dynamite, pimpin' ain't never been easy in these streets, but now it's damn near impossible. We are being pushed around by a bunch of out-of-control, ignorant ninjas that just ain't respectin' the game, Black Dynamite!

Black Dynamite: Hmm.

Wu: The police think they can shoot a ninja in the back just because he's a ninja?! I say [bleep] that! I say, Ninja Power!

All ninjas: Wu! Wu! Wu! Wu! Wu! Ninja! Wu! Ninja! Wu! Ninja!

This week Chauncey, how your baby-mama doing? Ninja, I ain't Chauncey.

Sorry, my ninja.

These damn masks, man.

Honey Bee, how are them explosive charges coming'? [beeping] All set to blow, Black Dynamite.

Good.

Bullhorn, we wired up yet? No doubt.

Just about.

All right, gang, you got until "Three-Mississippi" to split if you want to keep your asses intact.

Meet me at the getaway car, just like we planned.

It's time to send fiendish Doctor Wu a message -- All the ninjas in the world are no match for a couple of decent black folks working together with a plan and some explosives.

One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi [beep] Dynamite Cream Corn, step on it! And put your ankles in it! [indistinct shouting] Damn it! Where the hell is Cream Corn? [disco music playing] Yeah, yeah! Go get him! Go get him! [indistinct shouting] [grunts] Cream Corn?! [music continues] I know this motherfucker ain't dancing on the "Soul Train" line while we up to our necks in ninja shit.

Hey, brother.

You got something you want to say to all your friends out there? Hey, Black Dynamite! I'm on TV! Who the guest this week? And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Jackson 5! [cheers and applause] [up-tempo music plays] [cheers and applause] D,E,F It's easy as A, B, C More songs mean more money Pick any three It's that easy Believe you me [thud] [crowd murmuring] [cheers and applause] I love you, Michael! That's Michael Jackson! Aaaaaahh! JOSEPH: See? I told y'all damn kids! This gon' hurt me as much as it's gon' hurt you.

Hey, my man.

How do I get back to see my man Mike Jack? No way.

Mr.

Jackson says nobody goes backstage.

I'm sorry, Michael.

We all so-- Shut your ass, Joseph! These motherfuckers messed up on "Soul Train.

" On "So-o-u-u-ul Train"! Obviously whooping the living shit out of these boys twice a day ain't working out, so we're gonna try something different.

[sighs] Thank God.

You're gonna beat they asses four times a day! Man.

Or do y'all want what happened to Shamone?! [all gasp] I ain't no pedophile or nothing.

I just want to see Mike Jack! Don't be a pussy Joe.

Kill one of these kids with your belt! No! Please, Michael! It's the only way these motherfuckers are gonna learn.

Somebody's got to die.

No! This abuse has been going on long enough.

The magic and the madness ends right now! Run, boys! Save yourself! It's over, Michael.

It's over! Oh, my God! Marlon Jackson? Tito Jackson? Jermaine Jackson? What's going on with you Jacksons? Beatingour asses Michael! Michael's getting his ass beat? Oh, my god! And to think, Michael Jackson, I treated you like you was my own son! What?! Aah! Micha-a-a-a-el! [gunshot] [groans] Joseph Jackson, you are under arrest!

Michael: Hee, hee, hee [beeping] Michael! [panting]

Black Dynamite: Michael Jackson is fine, thanks to you blocking that bullet with your ass.

Damn, y'all look fucked up.

That's because we were fighting fiendish Doctor Wu and all his ninjas, and you were supposed to be driving the damn getaway car.

Oh, man! I forgot all about them ninjas, Black Dynamite! It's a good thing I didn't know Michael Jackson was gonna be on "Soul Train," or I might not have showed up, either.

All right, look.

From now on, nobody's allowed to run off to "Soul Train" and take a bullet for a motherfucker without Black Dynamite's prior express written consent! [knock on door]

Michael: Excuse me.

May I come in'? Hi.

I'm Michael.

Oh, my God! That's Michael Jackson, of the Jackson 5! Honey Bee, I know who Michael Jackson is, and what he is of.

Michael, are you okay? I'm fine, thanks to you.

You saved my life.

I've got a friend called Co-o-o-o-rn Mike, that was so beautiful.

Like a little black angel.

Man, Michael J.

, you put some ankles in his name! Don't worry, Michael Jackson.

I'm sure that once you grow some man-balls, you won't sound like a little girl no more.

Now, Cream Corn, these ninjas have gone crazy, So we need to get back to work.

I'll be out in the car.

[siren wails] [groaning] Sucka ninja, tell me what fiendish Doctor Wu is up to, and what is his plan? Wait.

If I tell you what he up to, why would I have to tell you his plan? That's like the same thing, man.

You gonna get it together.

Can't you see this jive turkey is just using you in his diabolical plan to achieve world-wide domination?! He must've saw something in me, you know? He chose me out of everybody.

Nice little guy, too.

Talking to me Cream Corn, how many times I told you not to interrupt my interrogation? We need to stay focused on breaking this ninja's will! [doorbell rings]

Woman: There's a delivery for Cream Corn! [gasps] Look what Michael Jackson sent for me! A pimpin' silk cape covered with the Japanese symbol for bravery! I've always wanted one of these! Damn, that shit is groovy.

Y'all really know Michael Jackson? My ninja know Jermaine, but everybody know Jermaine.

[laughter]

Bullhorn: Man, it ain't even cold, and Michael Jackson's got it snowing in a globe.

Oh, my God! Michael! What are you doing here? I just couldn't stop thinking about that bullet that you caught in your ass for me.

That was so very, very special.

So I thought it might be nice to make it Christmas in July for you.

I hope you like it.

Like it?! I want to marry it! It's like a dream! Thank you, Michael Jackson! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, Michael Jackson! [people cheering] Hee, hee, hee That Michael Jackson is a stone-cold pimp! What's so stone-cold about a little boy buying a motherfucker all the things he ever dreamed of'? I bet he couldn't swing a nunchuck if he tried.

Michael: Honey Bee-e-e-e-e-e

Bullhorn: Man! That's great! Has any of y'all seen my grappling hooks? This is called "I got a friend called Corn.

" I said, has anyone seen my grappling hooks?! Corn, my daddy tried to shoot me dead His cold steel was pointed at my head Then like from out of -- Michael Jackson, will you stop the goddamn singing, shut the fuck up, and let a grown man find his grappling hooks?! [all gasp] Please don't hit me, Black Dynamite.

I didn't mean to make you mad.

Trust me, Michael Jackson.

If I was gonna hit you, you'da already been hit.

Cream Corn, it's time for Michael Jackson to go.

Go?! But me and Michael Jackson about to have a sleepover! The Whorephanage is a place for whores and orphans, Not Michael Jacksons! You know what? I think you just jealous, Black Dynamite.

Jealous? Of him? Please.

Any "Solid Gold" dancer could do that.

Now, I'm not asking you, Cream Corn -- I'm telling you.

Michael Jackson has got to go!

Michael: Here.

How about I just buy your little Whorephanage? Then we can have as many sleepovers as we want.

My business and these whores are not for sale! Michael Jackson makes me happy, Black Dynamite, and if you don't want to see me happy, maybe I should just go.

Cream Corn, if you walk out that door, you might as well never come back! Fine! Ain't nothin' here but a bunch of whores and orphans anyway.

Fine.

- Fine! - Fine! Fine! Fine goddamn it, fine!

Bullhorn: Man, I just don't know what to say.

You just made little Michael Jackson moonwalk away.

Mm-mm-mm.

If I was you, I'd have took the check.

Dynamite [insects chirping] [grunting] Huh? Look, Black Dynamite! Michael Jackson got the whole Whorephanage flying! Pretty soon, you ain't gonna have nobody! You should've took the check, motherfucker.

Wait.

Stop! Thank you, Michael Jackson! Thank you, Michael Jackson! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, Michael Jackson! [sighs] What is it, Black Dynamite? Nothing.

I'm fine.

You need me to get you something? Naw, mama.

I'm okay.

Is everything all right? Yeah, it's all -- is there something I can get you'? Goddamn it, I already told the second bitch "No!" [slow music playing]

Michael: I don't care about Black Dynamite Or the Whorephanage at all, yeah Be with me and all your silly dreams Will come true, I'll buy them all, because you're mine Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Because that gosh damn Corn is mine [birds chirping]

Cream Corn: The very night you moonwalked in my life I knew that you were the one Got me a Japanese cape that says "Bravery" With my name, a song you sung The Corn is Mike's [laughter]

Both: The gosh darn Corn is Mike's [scatting] That was beautiful, but I would maybe hit that last note just a little bit harder.

A little harder? Hear that, Quincy Jones? Cream Corn thinks that I should hit that note a little harder.

How much harder, Cream Corn? Uh, you know -- Well, I don't know.

Maybe just a little bit harder? Just a little harder? Not a lot harder? How hard should that hit be, Cream Corn? Should it be this hard? Ow! I'm sorry, Michael! Maybe this hard! How hard should it be? This hard? I'm sorry, man! You're sorry, all right! You the sorriest motherfucker in this motherfucker, motherfucker.

Don't you ever tell Michael Jackson how hard his hits should be! You hear me?! Yes, Michael! Yes! Cream Corn, now Why'd you have to make me go and do that to you? I'm not mad at you.

But if you do it again I'ma kill you.

[whimpers] Okay, Q.

, I want to hurry up so Cream Corn and I can go get some ice cream.

Would you like that, Cream Corn? Some ice cream? [whimpers] [thunder crashes] [rat squeaking] Ben? [doorbell rings] Man, Cream Corn is living in the lap of luxury.

That motherfucker Michael Jackson must be all he's cracked up to be.

Oh shit, have you been hit? What are you two doing here? Cream Corn, what happened to your face? I am fine.

Michael's just under a lot of pressure right now.

Michael did this to you?! Cream Corn, I said it once, and I'll say it again.

Little boys shouldn't be laying they hands on no grown-ass men.

Oh, you comin' home with us now.

It'll get better.

Michael's a genius.

You know how geniuses are.

[chuckles] Ri-right? You guys should go before Michael sees you.

[grunting] Ninja, now I'm only gonna ask you this one more time.

Tell me where -- [knock on door] I don't know them ninjas, man! I said, tell me where -- [knocking continues]

Black Dynamite: Goddamn it! Who's interrupting my headlocking? This better not have anything to do with Cream Corn or Michael Jackson.

We need to talk to you about Cream Corn and Michael Jackson.

Black Dynamite, please! That Michael Jackson ain't who he appears to be! Cream Corn may be in real trouble.

But there's only one way to know for sure.

And what's that? You got to go get the real dirt from his Daddy.

Daddy knows.

Fine.

Thank you, Ninja, for that unsolicited advice.

And you riding bitch.

Black Dynamite, thank goodness you're here.

Michael Jackson ain't who he appears to be.

Your friend Cream Corn is in real trouble.

Told you.

Tell me more, Joe Jackson, and keep talking.

Well, it all started in a tiny, little house in a small town called Gary, Indiana.

We was poor, and life was shitty.

Ain't nothing to do in Gary but fuck all day and hope you make a talented baby.

[groaning] It seemed that every nine months, Katherine would pop out another Little Jackson.

But each one was less talented than the last.

Rebbie Jackie Tito Jermaine Shamone La Toya Marlon talk about a goddamn losing streak.

[yawns] Until one night [zap!] Huh? [creak] What the he-- Hee hee hee hee hee I was amazed at first, but when I thought about it, whatever it was that got her pregnant just saved Joe Jackson two minutes of hard work.

The very next day, my half-alien son, Michael Joseph Jackson, was born.

I knew that baby wasn't mine 'cause that motherfucker had talent! Hee, hee, hee Scary as the shit was the first time I saw it, the motherfucker could sing and dance and do 'em both really well.

Hoooooo! I needed a lead singer.

That's when I decided to raise it as my own son, and "The Jackson 5" was birthed! I sent Tito to the Joke Shop to find an afro wig and the widest toy nose he could find, and I had Katherine blacken him up the best she could.

And the rest is music history.

I tried to keep this a secret for as long as I could, but he's abusive, Black Dynamite! [sniffles] And every time me and the boys start fuckin' up, he reminds us of what happened to poor little Shamone! [crying] Shamone, Shamone, Shamonah! That's all I hear.

Man, everything seems not to be what it is, and what it is, seems not to be.

My crew is in shambles, and Cream Corn has been abducted by an alien, and I don't even know if I can save him.

Or even if he wants me to.

You know, man, a ninja like me got experience with this type of thing.

What you talking 'bout, ninja? Ninjas do wrong to each other sometimes, and in that way, the force of the Earth comes around the moon, and at that presence, the dirt, it overshadows the grass, and you like, "I can't cut this grass.

There's no sun coming through.

" So in order to enable each other, the two fruits have to look each other in the eye, understand we can only be ripe as the ripe is wrong.

You know what I mean? Man, I never thought I'd see the day when the only person talking any sense was a damn Ninja.

[thunder crashes] [whimpers] Michael? I think I think I want to leave Neverland.

Michael: You want to do what? I want to leave! [thunder crashes]

Michael: No, you don't want to leave.

You'll never want to leave! You want some fresh-baked cookies, is what you want.

Uh, no.

But they smell so good! [sniffs] [creak] - Oh shit.

- What the hell?! Look, Cream Corn.

There's something you need to know about Michael Jackson.

I'm an alien, Cream Corn.

Well, half -- part human, part mamase, mamasa, mamacoosa.

Mamase, mamasa, mamacoosa? That's right -- Mamase, mamasa, mamacoosa.

But what does that all mean? What do you think it means? We're aliens! We're gonna kill all the humans and take the planet.

But you don't have to worry about that, Cream Corn.

You're my friend.

Phew.

Thank God.

I'm just gonna impregnate you with thousands and thousands of alien babies.

Do you have any stretch pants? What?! Impregnate, my ass! [screaming]

Michael: Why you want to be starting something, Cream Corn? [whirring] No! Help! Aah! [thunder crashes] You can't leave, Cream Corn! Aah! [shouts indistinctly] [roars] Hee hee hee [screams] Michael Jackson, your face is horrible! [roars] Dynamite Michael Jackson, this is it! Black Dynamite! Right on time!

Michael: What are you doing here, Black Dynamite? Your bitch chose me! That's where you're wrong, Michael Jackson.

Black Dynamite's bitches don't choose shit.

Now hand over Cream Corn and let him go free before I put a hurtin' on you real bad! [wind whistles] Hooooooooooo! Hee hee hee hee hee Mamase, mamasa, mamacoosa.

[distorted voice] Now, you want to come again? Ninja power! [indistinct shouting] [neighs] Suey! Huh? Black Dynamite!

Both: Michael! Michael, speak to me! [normal voice] Now [coughs] we're even.

Hee-hee [coughs] That's some cold, sentimental shit you just did, Michael Jackson.

Cream Corn, you're a good friend.

I'm so sorry for abusing and terrorizing you.

It's okay.

It was still kind of worth it.

At least you didn't get me pregnant.

Now, Michael Jackson, you need to choose whether you want to use your human side to save humanity, or your alien side to destroy it.

You're right.

I think I finally learned my lesson, Black Dynamite.

I'm changing my ways from this day on.

And a piece of advice -- if you're still gonna live here amongst the earth folk, go back to that cute black face with that wide-ass nose that America fell in love with.

You know, this one, right here.

'Cause your real face kind of freaks me out.

Maybe change your features gradually over time, you know, so people can get acclimated.

Good idea.

The other thing I would do is find a cause you're passionate about, like saving the whales, world peace, the children, or -- That's it -- The children! I'm gonna spend all my time thinking about the children! The children, the children Thank you, Black Dynamite! Glad I could help, Michael Jackson.

Glad I could help.