The Game (Aladdin)

(We can see only Genie's face, surrounded by a cloud of smoke. It looks like he's working on something.)

Genie:  Aha! (holds up a beaker filled with a green liquid)  Yes! Victory shall be mine!

(Genie pours the liquid, followed by other chemicals from another beaker, a test tube, and an eyedropper. As he adds the final ingredient there's a puff of golden smoke. Suddenly there's a loud banging sound.)

(We now see Aladdin, Jasmine, Carpet, Abu, and Iago standing outside a room at the palace. Aladdin is banging on the door.)

Aladdin:  Genie!

(The door opens and Genie pops his head out.)

Genie:  Out in a jiff! (goes back inside)

Iago:  I don't even wanna know...

Genie:  It's always the same. We play a game, Carpet wins. Well not this time! (evil laughter)  Uh oh. (opens the door again)  Anybody have a bobby pin? Paperclip? Never mind, I'll improvise. (closes the door)

Jasmine:  Don't you think he's going a little overboard?

Aladdin:  Going? He's there!

(Genie has turned into a smith, hammering something on an anvil. He then stops to examine his work.)

Genie:  Hmm...Yes, yes... no. Rats! It must be flawless! (starts to measure whatever it is he's working on)  I seek perfection down to the eensy-weensiest particle! (starts hammering again, then stops)  I've done it! It's time to play... CROQUET! (dressed as a barbarian hero, Genie holds up his creation, a croquet mallet, and lightning flashes in the air)

(The door opens and Genie emerges with the mallet.)

Genie:  Oh, by the by, this mallet has  not  been turbo charged with semi-phenomenal, nearly cosmic power. Or junk like that. (to Carpet)  After you.

(They go out to the palace garden, which has been set up for croquet. Carpet takes out his own mallet and strikes a ball, which goes through all the hoops and hits the peg.)

Genie:  No! Not again! (snaps his mallet in half)

Aladdin:  Genie, you're taking this kinda hard.

Jasmine:  It was just a game.

Genie:  Right. Sure. Just a game. How about a rematch? We'll play another game. A  man's  game. Badminton! (creates a Badminton racket and grabs Iago)  Got the birdie!

(Genie throws Iago into the air and tries to hit him with the racket, but he dodges.)

Iago:  Back off!

Aladdin:  Look, Genie...

Jasmine:   (whispering to Aladdin)  It means so much to him.

Aladdin:  Uh, Genie... good luck.

Genie:   (wearing a baseball uniform)  Thanks. How about a little of Agrabah's favorite pastime?

(A short while later, there's a baseball diamond in the palace garden. Carpet is on the pitcher's mound, Genie is at bat, Abu is the catcher, and Iago the umpire. Aladdin and Jasmine are spectators. Carpet throws his first pitch; it's a strike.)

Iago:   Steeeerike one!

(Second pitch, also a strike.)

Iago:   Steeeerike two!

(Genie swings so hard that he spins himself around and crashes into the pitcher's mound.)

Iago:   Steeeerike three! Yer out!

Genie:  Oh, no! Why do I always lose? I'd do anything if I could just win!

(A little while later, Genie is sitting by the pool.)

Genie:  Oh, I don't wanna win all the time. Once would be nice.

Voice:  Ah, a player!

Genie:  Who said that?

(A tiny man appears, floating behind Genie. He has a purple beard and is wearing red and purple robes.)

Man:  Do you  really  want to win?

Genie:  Who's asking?

Man:  I am the wizard Ding! I can help. I did hear you say you'd do anything to win, didn't I?

Genie:  Well, sure! Well, within reason.

Ding:  "Anything" is rather all-encompassing. But, if you're not up to it...

Genie:  I'm an all-encompassing kind of guy! So, yes, I say "anything"!

Ding:  Excellent! Oopo!

(A woman the same size as Ding appears, floating next to him. She's wearing matching robes and has the same purple hair.)

Oopo:  Yes, Ding?

Ding:  My dear sister, the Game is on!

(Genie whistles, and Carpet flies up to him.)

Genie:  Carpet, my dear opponent, the Game is on!

Oopo:  Ooh, strong weave player! Are you fast? Are you clever?

Genie:  He's... competent.

Ding:  Let's play the Game!

Genie:  Which game?

Ding:  All of them.

Genie:  You're the coach! (is suddenly wearing equipment for many different sports, but it's too heavy and he falls over)

Oopo:   (whispering to Ding)  Are you sure you want the genie?

Ding:  You are not getting the genie! It is my turn to have the genie!

(The others are looking down from a balcony.)

Aladdin:  Genie!

Oopo:  Look, look, more players!

Aladdin:  Genie!

Genie:   (flies up to them)  I've got a coach!

Jasmine:  Coach?

Genie:  Ding's a wizard! He's gonna help me defeat that infernal rug! (sees Jasmine scowling)  Uh, in a sportsmanlike competition.

Iago:   (to Abu)  My money's on the carpet.

Ding:   (appearing behind Abu and Iago)  Greetings, players! (reaches a hand toward Abu, who jumps over it)  Ooh, outstanding reflexes!

Oopo:  Questionable potential here. (pokes Iago's beak)

Iago:  Hey, watch the beak, lady!

Oopo:   (laughs)   Spunky! I'll take the bird!

Ding:  I call the nimble furry fellow!

Oopo:   (appearing between Aladdin and Jasmine)  Wonderful players!

Jasmine:  Players?

Oopo:  For the Game!

Ding:  The Game is so much more interesting with teams!

Oopo:   (feeling Aladdin's biceps)  Well, firm muscle tone.

Aladdin:   (annoyed)   Genie and Carpet are the game guys.

Jasmine:  Yes, I'm afraid we'll have to pass.

Genie:  Al! Princess!

(Genie makes a television appear in front of Aladdin and Jasmine. Genie is on the screen, as a sports announcer.)

Genie:  In the competitive arena, this genie knows too well the agony of defeat!

(The screen shows Genie as a skier hitting a tree, then as a beat-up boxer.)

Genie:  (as boxer, dizzy)  Float like a butterball, sting like a flea. (passes out) (as announcer) What can you do to help break this multi-millennial losing streak? (the TV disappears)  Just play along. Please please please please please please please? Need I remind you of the time you forgot my sweet sixteen thousandth birthday?

Aladdin:  Good try, but I wasn't born yet.

Genie:  Oh, it must have been a former, insensitive friend. The selfish one. You know the type.

Jasmine:  Oh, I suppose one friendly game wouldn't hurt.

Genie:  Thanks, guys! (turns into an airline pilot)  I've made every effort to make your guilt trip a pleasant one.

Oopo:   (laughs and shakes Aladdin's hand)  Welcome to Team Oopo!

Aladdin:  Thanks... I guess.

Genie:  May the best team win. (under his breath)  As long as I'm on it.

Iago:   (to Aladdin)  You're playin' along because you're the genie's friend, but me, I don't suffer from that ugly condition. So count me out—

(Iago tries to fly away, but Oopo grabs him, Aladdin, and Carpet and they all vanish.)

Jasmine:  Aladdin!

Genie:  Ding, what happened?

Ding:  The Game. Let's play. (the others vanish as well)

(Setting: a snow-covered mountain. Ding and Oopo appear.)

Oopo:  Good! Nice and icy.

Ding:  Where are the players? Oh, dear! Did I leave them floating about in the Abyss of Nothingness?

(Ding and Oopo wave their hands, and Aladdin and friends appear.)

Genie:  Whoa, I could have sworn we were just floating about in the Abyss of Nothingness. Go figure!

Iago:  Abyss of Nothingness! That's where we are! Oh...

Aladdin:   (whispering)   Genie! What do you know about these two?

Genie:  They're wizards who love games. I'm a genie who loves games. Seems like a good fit.

Oopo:  Ah ah ah! The rules absolutely forbid opposing teams from fraternizing!

(Abu and Iago are shivering in the snow.)

Iago:  I don't suppose your rules forbid opposing teams from freezing!

Genie:  So it's jacket weather...

(Genie zaps Abu and Iago, giving them winter clothes, then Jasmine. When he tries to zap Aladdin, the magic bounces off of him.)

Ding:  You can't help the carpet's team.

Oopo:  But I can. (magically gives Aladdin a coat)

Ding and Oopo:  Game time!

(The gang are now in two bobsleds.)

Iago:  I have a queasy feeling it's all downhill from here!

(The two wizards push the bobsleds down the slope.)

Aladdin:  Wait!

(Genie's bobsled is in the lead.)

Genie:  We're winning!

(The other bobsled passes him, but Aladdin's goes over a ramp, and Genie reaches the bottom of the mountain first.)

Genie:  I won! I won!

(Genie starts doing a victory dance, but the other bobsled lands on top of him.)

Genie:  Winning feels a lot like losing.

(Ding and Oopo appear.)

Ding:  Ooh, that wasn't a race!

Oopo:  We just had to get you to the playing field.

Jasmine:  Why didn't we just start here?

Ding:  Make a note for the next time.

Genie:  Then... I didn't win?

Iago:   (as Aladdin pulls him out of the snow)  I do not like this game!

Oopo:   (throwing a rope to Iago)  The event is...

Ding:  ...polar bear roping!

(A snowdrift next to Iago starts to shake.)

Iago:  Aah! I'm sorry, I thought you said "polar bear roping"! Imagine!

(A polar bear emerges from the snowdrift and starts swatting at Iago.)

Genie:  Where's my rope? I want a rope! Put me in, coach!

(Ding gives Genie a rope. The polar bear advances on Aladdin.)

Aladdin:  Carpet, the rope!

Iago:  Help yourself!

(Carpet grabs Iago's rope.)

Genie:   (as a cowboy with a lasso)  Pardon me, partner! I'm fixin' ta rope ya! (the bear grabs Genie)  Do you lose points if ingested by the beast?

(Carpet gets a rope around the bear, but the bear grabs the other end, shaking Carpet back and forth. Aladdin, Jasmine, and Abu grab the rope as well.)

Aladdin:  Hang on, Carpet!

Iago:   (covering his eyes)  Looks like capture is still pending. Call me when it's over.

Ding:  Hmm, the teams are working together. How do we score this?

Oopo:  The carpet clearly made the point. It was his lasso.

Ding:  Possession of the bear scores the point, not possession by the bear!

(The polar bear is trying to run away, dragging the people holding the rope. Abu loses his grip, and Carpet lets go to rescue him. Finally the rope gets away from Aladdin and Jasmine as well.)

Genie:  How's the game? Who's winning?

Aladdin:  The bear!

(The bear snaps the rope tied around him. Genie stretches his hair out, turns it into a lasso, and throws it to Aladdin.)

Genie:  Here, Al!

(Aladdin throws the lasso around the bear's mouth.)

Aladdin:  Genie!

(The bear is swinging Genie around by his hair.)

Iago:  Uh, you can wind this up anytime now, guys.

Genie:   (cutting his hair)  Little off the top, please!

Oopo:  The boy roped the bear.

Ding:  But my genie provided the rope! (picks the bear up by the rope and tosses it far away)

Aladdin:  We could have been killed, and you two are arguing about the point!

Oopo:  Ding, he's right... Well, we'll call it a draw!

(Ding and Oopo laugh.)

Ding:  We both take a point!

Aladdin:  I don't believe this!

Iago:  Maybe the kid didn't spell it out: we don't like your game!

Jasmine:  We want to go back to Agrabah!

Aladdin:  We quit! Game over!

Ding:  We don't tolerate quitters.

Oopo:  And the Game is never over.

(Oopo zaps the ground, creating a pool of lava.)

Oopo:  Now...

Ding:  ...let's play.

(The two wizards cackle.)

Oopo:  Ah... it would be a shame to see a bustling metropolis like Agrabah reduced to a cinder.

Ding:  A dreadful shame.

Jasmine:  Do you think they would really do it?

Aladdin:  I think we're still in the Game.

Iago:  Isn't this excessive power for a wizard?

Ding:  We're excessive wizards.

Iago:  Look, with your magic and my talent for riding on coattails, we can rule the world!

Ding:  Been there.

Oopo:  Done that.

Ding:  That was fun for the first century or three.

Oopo:  But it became such a humdrum routine. Absolute power? Invincible to opposition? Ha, no thrills!

Ding:  Ah, but when we recruited our first players and started the Game... Ooh, what fun!

Oopo:  Century after century of competitive play!

Ding:  Sadly, the players never seemed to last long enough to enjoy it.

Iago:  Well, I'm glad a certain big blue jerk dragged us into this!

Genie:  Sounds like loser talk to me!

Aladdin:  Genie! It doesn't matter if you win or lose!

Ding:  It's how you play the Game!

Oopo:  Now, let's play.

(They all disappear, and reappear in a desolate, rocky landscape.)

Ding:  Tiebreaker time!

Oopo:   (to Aladdin)   Pst! Player! Take a deep breath. Air's mighty thin up there. (points to the top of a tall, steep mountain peak)

Aladdin:  All the way up?

(The two wizards nod.)

Aladdin:   (sighs)  Let's get this over with. (to Iago and Carpet)  You two are the fastest.

Iago:  Eh, not necessarily!

(Carpet grabs Iago and starts flying to the top of the mountain, but Ding points a finger at them and suddenly they fall out of the sky.)

Ding:  Ooh, did we mention the new rule?

Oopo:  Rule one: no flying up the mountain!

(Genie, in the form of a hang-glider, looks sheepish and changes back to his normal self.)

Ding:   (patting Abu's head)  Only climbing is allowed, and we all know that monkeys are climbing fools!

Oopo:  For breaking the rules, the penalty box for you two.

(A cage appears around Iago and Carpet.)

Oopo:  Well, we aren't getting any younger! Shall we begin?

Genie:   (sneaky)  Climbing only, eh? So that's the way they want it. I always play by the rules.

(Genie turns into a snake charmer. As he plays music, a rope rises from a basket and ties itself to the top of the mountain. Genie changes into an Alpine climbing outfit and starts climbing the rope.)

Oopo:  Rule number 7B: no trick ropes. (points a finger at the mountain, and the part the rope is tied to breaks off and falls down on Genie's head)

Genie:   (with the boulder on his head)  Uh, no trick ropes.

Oopo:  Is everyone clear on the rules?

Aladdin:  Be careful, Jasmine.

Jasmine:  Don't worry.

Ding:  On your mark! Get set!

Oopo:  Ugh, Ding lives for this...

Ding:  Go!

(Everyone starts climbing the mountain. Genie is ahead at first and is yodeling while he climbs, but his lederhosen get stuck on a rock and he ends up hanging upside-down by them. Now Aladdin is in the lead.)

Oopo:  Oh, the lad must be part mountain goat!

Ding:  Isn't there a rule against that?

Oopo:  No, and you know it.

(Abu passes Aladdin, but he slips on a loose rock and starts rolling down the mountain. He runs into Jasmine and sends her tumbling backwards as well, until Jasmine catches the edge of a cliff.)

Jasmine:  Help!

(Aladdin climbs back down, and reaches to pull Jasmine and Abu to safety.)

Oopo:  No, no, no, no, no! Saving an opponent is definitely against the rules.

Aladdin:  I don't care about your rules!

Oopo:  But without rules, we'd have chaos!

(Oopo zaps Aladdin, and sends him back to where he was before, leaving Jasmine and Abu hanging there.)

Aladdin:  No!

Oopo:  I don't think she'll make it, do you?

Ding:  You never know what can happen, but, on the face of it, I'd say... no.

Genie:  (still hanging upside-down)  Ding! Oh, Ding!

Ding:  You called, player Genie?

Genie:  Maybe you never thought of it, but if we lose them that would leave the teams a tad lopsided!

Ding:  Hmm, interesting point.

Genie:  Oopo would have a big advantage!

Ding:  Which would be wrong!

(Jasmine and Abu fall. Aladdin tries to climb down after them, but there's an invisible barrier in his way.)

Aladdin:  No!

(Ding claps his hands and Jasmine and Abu stop falling in mid-air.)

Ding:  Good try, team. We'll do better next round.

Aladdin:  Thanks, Genie!

Oopo:  Boy, get on with it! Our team has this point cinched!

Aladdin:  Forget it!

Oopo:  Ding!

Ding:  Yes, dear sister?

Oopo:  Our players have lost their competitive edge.

Ding:  Maybe your team has lost its edge, but my genie would do anything to win.

Genie:  I didn't think "anything" included putting my friends on the endangered species list!

Oopo:  It always happens. Players lose their will to win.

Ding:  It's sad, really... for the players.

(Ding and Oopo start cackling again. In a cloud of smoke, the mountain disappears and is replaced by two volcanoes. Also, Iago and Abu are missing.)

Aladdin:  Where are Iago and Abu?

(Ding points to the top of the volcanoes. Abu and Iago are suspended over them in cages. Abu is chattering frantically.)

Iago:  You heard the monkey. Get us outta here!

Oopo:  Lets play.

(Both volcanoes are spitting lava up at Abu and Iago.)

Iago:  Hello! I'll go back to the icecap now! Hello!

Ding:  Now we'll see some friendly competition.

Jasmine:  There's nothing friendly here. What are you doing to them?

(Ding creates two large plugs.)

Oopo:  The team that plugs the volcano first rescues their teammate.

Aladdin:  What you're saying is that no matter who wins someone dies!

Genie:  Now where's the incentive in that?

Ding:  The incentive is that someone doesn't.

Oopo:  Shall we begin? (quickly)  One, two, three, go!

(Aladdin and Carpet grab one plug, Genie and Jasmine the other, and they start climbing. A gust of wind knocks Carpet back, and he drops his plug back to the ground.)

Oopo:   (annoyed)  Let's keep our eye on the prize, shall we?

(A crack opens in the other volcano, above Jasmine and Genie.)

Jasmine:  If you cool it down, I'll make a break for the top.

(Genie tosses his plug to Jasmine.)

Genie:  Let's just see how hot this thing really is. (turns into a thermometer, which explodes)  I've got just the thing. (turns into a refrigerator, and opens the freezer door)  The automatic ice-maker costs a little extra, but who can put a price tag on convenience?

(Ice streams out of the freezer and covers the lava, allowing Jasmine to pass it.)

Ding:  Yep, kinda nice having a genie on the team.

Oopo:  My team'll do just fine without magic. If they wanna save the bird!

Iago:  You do wanna save the bird, don'tcha, Al?!

Aladdin:  We're trying, Iago! Are you okay, Carpet?

(Carpet has a hole burned through him, but he gives a thumbs-up. Meanwhile, Jasmine has reached the top of the volcano.)

Jasmine:  Don't worry, Abu. It's over now.

(Jasmine is about to plug the volcano, but it begins to erupt and she is thrown backwards. Aladdin then reaches the top of the other volcano, but is having trouble keeping his footing.)

Iago:  Do it already!

Aladdin:   (falling backwards)  Noooo! (his plug falls on a river of lava, and Aladdin lands on top of it)

Iago:  Whatever happens, I want you guys to know... I BLAME YOU!

(Abu's cage has come loose and is now floating in the lava, while he clings to the top of it.)

Iago:  I always knew a volcano would get me. A volcano got my uncle.

Oopo:   (to Aladdin and Carpet)  If this were the downhill volcano slalom you'd have it all wrapped up. But as it stands, you lost.

(Genie and Jasmine are trapped behind a river of lava again.)

Ding:  Ah, Oopo... Your team is in about the same shape as mine. (clicks his tongue)  Sad.

Genie:  Like you could do any better!

Ding:   (gasps)  Well, of course we could.

Oopo:  If we wanted to.

Genie:  Prove it.

Oopo:  What... an interesting idea.

Ding:  It's just... never been done!

Genie:  Oh, I get it! You two have never actually played a game yourselves! Because you can't!

Oopo:  Ha! Rubbish!

Ding:  We can so!

Genie:  Can't!

Ding and Oopo:  Can!

Genie:  Yeah, right...

Iago:  Now, I lay me down to sleep...

(Oopo plugs Iago's volcano, at the same time as Ding plugs Abu's. They then bring them back to the ground and get rid of the cages.)

Iago:  Death, my canny foe! I've cheated you again!

Genie:  So, I guess we choose up new sides?

Iago:  WHAT?!

Aladdin:   (covering Iago's beak)  Sounds good to me, Genie.

Genie:  But let's get one thing straight: no more wizard participation in the game itself.

Jasmine:  If you want to be spectators, that's fine. But we play the Game.

Oopo:  But we're the all-powerful wizards!

Ding:  We make the rules! And the new rule is, nobody plays but us!

Aladdin:  Well, if you insist.

(A television appears on a pedestal.)

Genie:  Take this thing and use it well!

(The wizards examine it reverently.)

Oopo:  What... is it?

Genie:   (holding two joysticks)  I call it the video game. It is designed so no one over the age of thirteen will ever finish.

(The wizards take the joysticks and start playing.)

Ding:  Ha ha ha! I like it!

Genie:  But first, let's see who can magically transport us back to Agrabah the fastest! On your mark, get set, go!

(Aladdin and friends reappear in the palace garden.)

Genie:  Hey, it worked!

Jasmine:   (sigh)  I don't think I'll ever play a game again.

Aladdin:  Me either.

Abu:  Nuh uh!

Genie:  I'm with you guys. You don't need to win to be a winner.

Iago:  True wisdom from one who has never won anything!

(Everyone but Genie and Carpet leave.)

Genie:   (sighs)  I guess winning isn't everything. (snaps his fingers and the croquet equipment reappears)  Whaddaya say? Just some good clean fun? I go first.

(Genie is taking aim, but Carpet pushes in front of him.)

Genie:  So, you wanna play hardball? (pushes Carpet back)

(Carpet and Genie keep pushing in front of each other, as the scene fades to black.)

THE END