The Trial of the Monarch

The Venture Bros.: Season: 1 Episode: 12

[incomplete]


 * Now, be careful. These things have booby traps.
 * Booby.
 * Will do.
 * And it’s a good thing I have my trusty penknife.
 * Dean, those are nail clippers.
 * Got it! It’s treasure! Brownish chunks of pirate booty! Hank, that’s an old piece of candy.
 * Booty! And there’s a little guy in there made out of pipe-cleaners.
 * Aw, cool.
 * I get that! It’s all macaroni and empty spools and puffy paint, some yarn Felt scraps.
 * Hey! Packages of googly-eyes! I’m totally taking these.
 * Hey, this is interesting.
 * It’s in Sanskrit.
 * And a dialect I’m not familiar with.
 * I’m not sure I can read it.
 * Well, just try.
 * "It we have to you likely the opening now of this chest.
 * "To all that protect mine rainy-day craft box are cursed, when to not take away "things or objects" or something like that.
 * The prepositions and stuff are all screwy It’s a cursed treasure! The boys are in trouble.
 * You have thieved from the sacred craft-bin of Olee Janeema.
 * Give him back the googly-eyes! - You! - I didn’t take ‘em! Now your blood shall flow in his name My arm came off.
 * I can’t believe that happened! Out of the way, boys.
 * I’m gonna give him something to really cry about.
 * Aw, I wanted a piece of him.
 * Stop! Oh, I’m sorry.
 * Stop hitting yourself! Ooh, the terrible hurting! Ow! Please stop doing that.
 * Enough! The Monarch! While you were wasting your time castrating a priceless antique I have been systematically feeding babies to hungry, mutated puppies! Not likely, Monarch.
 * Silence! You know what this means.
 * Mecha-shiva. Mecha-shiva go!
 * Oh, no! Wait a minute! That’s insane! They’re total liars! I kept my mouth shut when Dean said he could read Sanskrit.
 * Then, when Hank said he wanted a piece of him I was, like, fine.
 * Whatever.
 * But Mecha-shiva? No way! They are so lying.
 * I’m innocent.
 * And now, Mr. Monarch, you’ll have your chance.
 * Order! Order! I will have order! Mecha-shiva! Excuse me, gentlemen.
 * Would this be the courtroom where one might attend "The People v.
 * The Monarch"? You got the right room, but no one goes through these doors without clearance.
 * I’m sure you’ll find that I have every right to attend these proceedings.
 * I’m in, and I’ve made a bit of a mess.
 * Send a cleaner for 375 pounds.
 * Maybe more.
 * - So, Hank it is Hank, isn’t it? - Yes, sir.
 * Well, Hank, what’s it like to be a liar? Do you like being a liar, with pants constantly on fire? Objection, your honor! Leading.
 * I’ll rephrase that.
 * Hank, are you a liar? No, sir.
 * I don’t think so.
 * - Yes, you are! - You’re the liar! And may I remind you that I am rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you! That’s it! This court will recess for one hour.
 * I want to see the attorneys in my chamber now! You’re on thin ice here, but do you get off the ice? Hell, no! You jump up and down like a lunatic having a conniption fit.
 * Now, if it was up to me, you’d have been in chains an hour ago.
 * But this is a trial by jury, and it’s up to your peers Peers? Peers! How dare you! That repulsive display of humanity out there? No way! Oh, look, freak-show decided to show up.
 * Would you be so kind as to liberate me from my fetters? It is a powerful hot in here.
 * Your Honor, I have some experience with these what you might call super villain-types.
 * They’re a specialty of mine.
 * What with this condition I’m sorely afflicted with.
 * What? You have a condition? No.
 * No way.
 * Most of them are wilder than a peach orchard hog.
 * But this one here will go down like all the others.
 * Yessir, that’s a promise.
 * I’m gonna be working harder than a cat trying to bury a turd on a marble floor.
 * Now, that’s appealing.
 * I don’t even have to open it.
 * I can just tell egg salad.
 * Fart-sandwiches.
 * Dean, hold your breath.
 * We’re going in for the cookie.
 * T-minus three, two, one.
 * If I knew you could just call the cops on him I would have done it years ago! Because I’m no sissy.
 * No, sir.
 * I would just pick up that phone and, "Officer, there’s a man in a butterfly suit "shooting my robot with a laser beam.
 * " We’d still be waiting for the cops to show up.
 * The police stay out of the way of the Guild for the most part.
 * Who do you think supplied the department with new cruisers last year? My tax dollars, for one.
 * Santa Claus, for two.
 * Keep dreamin’.
 * No cop would respond to a call like that.
 * What about a supercop with a jet pack and a devil-may-care attitude? The only way the police would get involved is if the Guild screwed with them first.
 * So when the Monarch messed with the police - he messed with - The Guild.
 * I was gonna say that.
 * Sovereign Many of our operatives are in place.
 * We await your orders.
 * Good.
 * Good.
 * Let us proceed to stage five.
 * It shall be done.
 * Great, way to make me look like a tool! What are you doing back there? Have you seen my juice-box? Oh, that was yours? - I thought that - Great.
 * Thanks.
 * Why did I even bother putting my initials on it? How rude of me.
 * Would you care for some Pez? Oh no.
 * I think they taste too much like soap.
 * For my next witness, I would like to call to the stand The Monarch! They are so gonna fry this idiot.
 * Just get on the stand and give your testimony.
 * Oh.
 * OK.
 * Right.
 * Sorry.
 * How do I, uh? Oh, any time, Mr. Monarch.
 * Today would be nice.
 * OK, I should just go then? Please! This all started soon after "The Flight of the Monarch" was published a mean little tell-all book filled with nothing but lies and pictures of also-lies.
 * - What the hell is this? - A book? No! But you would think it was, right? You can read it like a book.
 * Here, I’ll show you.
 * "Rifling through his pockets for change, the Monarch accidentally launches "a sodium-pentothal-tipped dart deep into his own thigh.
 * "Upon hearing a girlish symphony of shrill wails "a waitress comes to his aid" I told you.
 * You told me he wouldn’t find out.
 * You’re such a dick.
 * You put his face on the cover! "plucking your eyebrows?!" Oh, it’s almost exactly like a book.
 * There’s even some pictures.
 * Why, here’s one of me at Dance-eteria making out with Stiv Bators and Lydia Lunch! But this is not a book.
 * This is a suicide note! Good news! The euthanasia will be carried out by me.
 * The author has twenty minutes to seek my aid before I just kill all of you.
 * You’ll find me in my room crying.
 * After a heart-to-heart with my family of friends a confession soon followed.
 * It must have been hard for him to come to a man he saw as a mentor and confess to penning such libelous slander.
 * I was lenient on him.
 * He punished himself enough.
 * You should have replaced his blood with acid after this part.
 * The sharks won’t touch him now.
 * Thanks, Dr.
 * Girlfriend.
 * Now you tell me.
 * Lower the giant hair dryer! Objection! On what grounds? Boring me to tears.
 * Ha! Relevance, Your Honor.
 * Mr. Monarch hasn’t been charged with having a book written about him.
 * He’s been charged with the abduction or maybe, well disintegration of a police officer.
 * I’m getting to that! Just keep your pants on.
 * Oh, wait.
 * You can’t wear pants, can you? Overruled.
 * Continue, Mr. Monarch.
 * But please get to the point.
 * But sadly, the repercussions of "The Flight of the Monarch" were far from over.
 * OK, then who haven’t you slept with? I’m sure that’s a shorter list.
 * Oh, you are insane! I’m insane? I’m insane? Look at these! There’s a picture of you in Monstroso’s lap.
 * That was a party.
 * Look at his lap it’s huge.
 * There’s, like, five of us on it.
 * Yeah, right.
 * And here’s one of you skinny dipping with Jim Foetus! Let me see that.
 * I don’t remember And there’s a whole collage of you and Phantom Limb.
 * All right, fine! I used to work for him.
 * So what? Holy crap! Look at your costume! What, did Frank Frazetta design it for you? It’s tiny! I can see your dirty pillows! I am leaving! If you can’t calm down, I’m leaving.
 * You can’t leave.
 * I’m throwing you out.
 * Get out of my cocoon, you whore! After an amicable parting of the ways, life went on as usual.
 * And that was the last time I saw Dr. Girl Dr. Ex-Girlfriend! Good riddance to bad girlfriends, I say.
 * My guess is about then, well, she was so sad about her failure to upset me that she probably went crazy, rampage nuts.
 * He’s lying! Oh, no way.
 * That’s a real big surprise.
 * Good gracious.
 * What happened to you? It’s a long story.
 * Can I come in? Of course, of course.
 * It’s horrid out there.
 * I insist on it.
 * Dear girl, you’re soaked to the bone.
 * Come sit down and tell me all about it.
 * Now, let it all out.
 * I’m just going to get you some dry clothes.
 * He threw me out.
 * After saying the most horrible things, he threw me out.
 * The cad! How dare he! Who does he think he is Mr.
 * King Butterfly Man? Well, I’m nobody’s doormat.
 * Before I met him, I was Lady Au Pair.
 * I was feared, and I was respected, and not just by my murderous moppets by everyone.
 * And after that, I was Queen Etherea.
 * Put it on.
 * I want to see you in it again.
 * Oh, I can’t believe you saved it.
 * What are these hard chunks? My tears.
 * Tears? You have to be kidding me! You know that sick, deformed slob you know he was pounding his invisible meat That’s it.
 * Objection! Your honor, I have children listening to this potty talk! Sustained.
 * I want that last bit stricken from the record and my mind.
 * Dr. Venture, you might want to take your sons out.
 * Not me! There’s no way I’m gonna miss this.
 * Brock, be a lamb, and take the boys somewhere.
 * Aw, come on, Pop.
 * We’re not babies.
 * Dean told me how he pounds his All right.
 * Yeah, boys.
 * Uh, hey, why don’t we go scrounge up some adventure do some, uh Control, delay order.
 * We’ve lost full containment.
 * I repeat, delay order.
 * Copy on delay.
 * - We are on standby.
 * - Knew it.
 * I thought you went to the can.
 * I did.
 * I’m back.
 * That was, like, ten seconds ago.
 * What, are you pissing in the corner? There’s gum in this fountain our first clue.
 * It seems our thirsty mystery man was a gum-chewer.
 * Look, Brock.
 * Hank found a clue.
 * Oh, great.
 * Boys, don’t touch that clue.
 * That clue was in somebody’s mouth.
 * That clue’s filthy.
 * Now, take your time.
 * I know this is very upsetting for you.
 * Would you like a tissue? It’s fine.
 * I have one.
 * If this is too much for you No, please.
 * I want to finish.
 * Go on, then.
 * I was there for maybe a half an hour.
 * We were eating some aged something-or-other cheese.
 * I don’t recall what it was.
 * Asiago.
 * I developed a love for this playful provision during my stay in Florence, Italy.
 * It’s really nothing more than a common table cheese but I find it a charming yang to merlot’s impish ying.
 * It tastes like the inside of an old thermos.
 * Will you knock that off? Let me get that.
 * You must be strong.
 * Remember who you are.
 * His lies can’t hurt you anymore.
 * Stop that.
 * We heard you the first time.
 * I knew you were here! The henchmen were all, "She went to her mother’s" but I knew you went crawling back to him! Keep your voice down.
 * Holy crap! What are you wearing? Is that your Queen Etherea suit? You’re wearing your old costume now? My clothes were wet, and he I can’t believe you’re falling for that floating smooth-talking jackass! I can’t even look at you in that slut slut slutty slut suit! I was wearing this when you first met me.
 * I don’t remember you complaining then.
 * That’s because I had you out of that rag within the first five minutes of meeting you.
 * I made you the Monarch’s! You are a monster! All right.
 * That was supposed to be romantic.
 * Oh, go to hell! Fine! Then he just hung around the yard yelling till somebody called the cops.
 * That was all you saw? Well, I saw the flashing lights from, I guess, the police and I heard some talking.
 * Then - Then? - Then nothing.
 * Ow! What the dealy-o? Saliva is nature’s glue.
 * And raisins are nature’s candy! It’s the oldest trick in the book.
 * If I place a hair between the door and frame - We’ve been made.
 * - It works as a burglar alarm.
 * All we have to do is come back, and if the hair is gone somebody used this door.
 * Help! Do not be too hasty entering that room.
 * I had Taco Bell for lunch! Expert witness Dr.
 * Byron Orpheus has arrived! The hair’s gone! A clue! It was Dr. O.
 * The whole time.
 * I wonder what that means.
 * It means Dr. Orpheus had to take a dump.
 * So, nice job.
 * Case closed.
 * Place your right hand on the How sweet.
 * A Bible.
 * Well, if you don’t mind, sir, I have a book of my own for this little ritual.
 * Keep your fingers clear of its mouth.
 * He’s a nibbler.
 * Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you uh, whoever? I swear it.
 * Dr. Orpheus, could you tell the court what it is that you do? You’re a type of magician? Oh, they have no idea what they’re in for.
 * Well, if you must call me that, yes.
 * But if you are after mere parlor tricks you will be sorely disappointed.
 * For if I reach behind your ear, it will not be a nickel I pull out but your very soul! Good night, ladies and gentlemen.
 * You’ve been a great crowd.
 * A mind reader, huh? That seems kind of hocus-pocus, now, don’t it? It’s as crazy as oh, let’s say the fact that nobody can recall what happened that night the night that a policeman and his motorcycle simply vanished.
 * Well, maybe I’m just an ignorant old country lawyer but this sounds like a cover-up.
 * Or is it magic? Do you believe in magic? The Monarch must, for he’s given us no other rational explanation.
 * Something big is going down.
 * This place is crawling with Strangers.
 * You can’t expect to know everybody.
 * No, Hank.
 * Strangers are undercover Guild operatives.
 * We gotta warn Pop! No, Dean.
 * This is Guild business.
 * Your father isn’t in any harm.
 * The Guild works clean, professional.
 * It’s surgical with them.
 * In a way, they’re the only organization I still respect.
 * And they kill clean.
 * Don’t let dames get in the way.
 * Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read.
 * It’s weird, right? It’s like he channels dead crazy people.
 * You think it’s a cry for help? So a mind reader.
 * Fascinating.
 * Could you read the mind of, let’s say, for instance, the Monarch? If it would please the court.
 * Objection.
 * No way! This is most unorthodox.
 * Unorthodox? The defendant’s in a crown, for God’s sake! I myself am growing from the torso of an inbred simpleton.
 * I promise not to make his eyes boil.
 * I’ll allow it.
 * Hug me.
 * Fine.
 * Whatever gets you off, man.
 * Just don’t go for the reach-around because the Monarch doesn’t swing that Sleep! Dream.
 * All right, what’s going on here? Oh, just doing some gardening.
 * I got a call from a concerned citizen there’s a domestic going on here.
 * Listen, Officer Poncharello, my second-in-command just left me.
 * So why don’t you put your fat Tom-of-Finland ass back on your big gay bike and go home? This is none of your beeswax.
 * OK, pal, let’s just keep those hands where I can see them.
 * Oh, you want some of this? Let’s go, Fonzie.
 * Come on.
 * Take your best shot! Think you can take this? So, too fast for you? It’s all there.
 * Do you want to count it? No.
 * That’s bad form.
 * There’s a passport, name change information, the works.
 * Even got you a new wife.
 * You won’t see her much, being a supermodel.
 * She’ll be traveling a lot.
 * Uh, do I have an erection? I feel like I might have one.
 * Pleasure doing business with you, gentlemen.
 * If we see you, hear your voice in a crowd Don’t worry about me.
 * I’m a ghost.
 * Good.
 * We’ll take it from here.
 * You won’t believe this.
 * I’ve seen the greasy interior of many a mind and I’m not sure I believe this.
 * Now! It must be now! Now! - What’d I miss? - Now! It’s a Freeze-Team! Down on the ground and hold your breath.
 * There’s pee pee on the floor! I told you to hold your breath.
 * Take the prisoner.
 * For everyone else, I want a level three memory wipe.
 * Move! Finally, number three on the Guild’s most wanted list Tiny Attorney.
 * It’s time the Guild sentences him to a "Trial Separation.
 * " Ha! I just made that up.
 * It’s funny on a lot of levels.
 * Right.
 * It just came out.
 * What about the necromancer? Memory wipes don’t work on his kind.
 * True, but they take to hypnotic suggestion like cancer to a prostate.
 * Wait! I know this one.
 * Filed with us five times to get an arch-rival part of the Venture clique, I think.
 * You know the Monarch did it.
 * He’s a very bad man who wants to hurt the Venture family and once he’s put away we’ll get all of you a new arch-rival, just like you’ve always wanted.
 * You’re gonna put the Monarch away? You never told me that.
 * Somebody has to take the fall.
 * But you, my dear, you were perfect, a regular Mata Hari.
 * Trust me.
 * The Guild will reward you handsomely.
 * But as for your precious Monarch, forget him.
 * He’s totally screwed.
 * Will that hypnotic suggestion thing work on him? I think so.
 * I had nothing to do with this crap.
 * It was, like, I don’t know, those weird kids, the Venture brothers.
 * They did it.
 * Strangers, withdraw! All clear, Mr. Samson.
 * The Guild appreciates your non-interference.
 * Whatever.
 * How much time? Twenty seconds.
 * Continue, Mr. Orpheus.
 * You were saying? I hope they find me a girl villain.
 * - Mr. Orpheus? - A redhead.
 * He’s gonna blow it.
 * Brock, when did you get back? What happened to the little guy riding the retard? Don’t worry about it.
 * Mr. Orpheus, you were telling us what you learned.
 * That is true, I was.
 * With my own eyes, I have seen into his senses.
 * I have been a witness to his doings! And I have found that the Monarch is without any shadow of a doubt guilty! Oh, my precious pookums, of course I forgive you.
 * Why, in a few, oh, I don’t know, decades I’ll be out of here, And we can we can just start again.
 * Can I go now? Everybody’s staring at me.