Kloger

1 Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, where is everyone? Stan? Francine? Hayley? Snot's friend with the glasses? Anybody home? It's me, Roger! Roger, what's all the fuss about? A new steakhouse just opened. Apparently they have an amazing porterhouse. Let's go. Sorry, Roger, but it's date night. Stan and I are going to the opera. Wha? We're trying to do more things together as a couple, and we both love the opera. I like watching people sing in Italian. They're all Ravioli with a cappuccino Mark Wahlberg's "The Italian Job" [Both moaning] Mm-kay. I guess I could go to dinner solo. Maybe I'll try out a character who's okay with eating alone. This isn't so bad. And I got to eat all the insides of the breads without anyone giving me shit. A Christine Lucy L'amour that's my name could get used to this. Good evening, ma'am. What can I get for you? A 6'6" black man with a dong to match? [Laughs] There's There's some waiter humor for you. All right, I'd I'd like the porterhouse, please. I'm sorry, but the porterhouse is for two, not for one person who smells like ChapStick. Mean person! [Sobbing] Whoa, this hollowed-out bread would make the perfect shell for my hermit crab, Herman! But as usual, he probably won't show me any gratitude. Well, that's life as a hermit-crab owner. Now you know everything about me. [Ting!] [Sentimental music plays] [Birds chirping] [Bicycle bell rings] Why does everyone have someone?! Do you think we were meant to find each other? Is this a fairy tale? Yeah, it's a fairy tale called "Jackin' This Guy's Bean Stalk. " Hey, that's pretty funny. Did you just come up with that? [Garbled] I did. [Sobbing] Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U. S. A. Aah! Good morning, U. S. A. Tough crossword this morning, but I got through it. 213 black squares. Took me two pens. Oh-ho! Walk of shame! Big night, Roger? [Sobbing] Why am I so sad?! Uh, you you got this, right, Francine? 'Cause I-I just remembered I have a thing. Roger, what's wrong? You wouldn't understand, Franny. You have Stan. You've never been alone in your life. Can someone get the door? Oh, quit being so dramatic. - Ow! - You're just lonely. Maybe you should try online dating. There's an old man who invented an E-Harmony machine. What? Roger doesn't need that shit. Me and him we're lone wolves, baby. Punch in, punch out. That's how we do it. Bam-bam! Bam-bam-bam! Come on, Rog! Give me a "bam. " - Bam. - Yeah! Now you get it! Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam! I'm a lone wolf, baby-y-y Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam! Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam! [Grunts] Hey, guys, what's going on? Why are you all acting so sporty? Because the school's bringing back the Presidential Fitness Test! My name is General Robert James. I used to oversee the Presidential Fitness Test before it was foolishly disbanded. That's why students today are all so soft. That's my belly button, asshole. Students will be required to complete a timed mile, the sit-and-reach, and a set of pull-ups all in front of your peers. Pull-ups? In front of everyone? People will finally realize I'm not athletic. The only people who can't do pull-ups wear pull-ups. Snot, we're screwed. This guy's gonna put us back in diapers. What do you mean, "back in"? Some of us never left. - [Sighs] - Mmm! Roger, have you seen my bottle of cocoa butter? It keeps disappearing. Have you ruled out the possibility it's doing a "Toy Story"? Not yet. Never mind that. Look! I got matched! And we have so much in common. He's a huge Packers fan. I'm a huge Packers fan. - [Cellphone dings] - [Gasps] He wants to meet up! The texts were popping up earlier, but you're standing there now. "I'm in. I'll be the one holding a red rose. " [Cellphone dings] He says he'll be the one in the Packers helmet. " Oh, my God! It's happening! Hey, did you not get my hint earlier? Move. Oh, I see them now! That's so cool! [Screams] What is this?! Oh, text bubbles are made out of flesh-eating bacteria. You didn't know that? Okay. I'd love to help you, but I got a date! [Grumbling] [Whimpering] [Chanting] Sorry, Steve, but I can't get you out of gym this week. The general has made it very clear everyone has to take the fitness test. But But I'm totally sick. Cough, cough. Big sniffle. Cough, cough, achoo. Can't get a boner. - Hayley? - I'm not Hayley. I'm Vicki. I'm 17, ya dig, nuttabutta? [Whispering] I don't have insurance 'cause I'm kind of between jobs right now. So I'm pretending to be a student to see Nurse Margaret about my pink eye. Pink eye? Give me some! [Screams] What are you doing, psycho?! I got to get out of this test! Robert: What's this? Is someone trying to get out of the Presidential Fitness Test? I was just trying to bang this nurse, if you'd let me work. I'm keeping my eye on you. [Gasps] It's him! This is it. The first day of the rest of your life. Hey, you forgot your helmet. Hey! Roger? What are you doing here? I'm on a date, but he just left. Why do you have a red rose? My date's supposed to be holding a rose. My date's supposed to be in a Packers helmet. [Both chuckling] I-I-I didn't know you were online-dating. Well, if I'm being honest, this lone wolf is actually howlingly lonely. Excuse me, your table is ready. Party of two? Well, I-I have been wanting to try this porterhouse for two. Do Do you want to? I mean, we are friends. Of course. We can have a meal together. Why not? That was incredible! I can't believe we haven't done that before. And the crazy thing is it didn't feel weird. It's like we got matched for a reason. Does this Does this make us gay? God, no, I'm an alien. I wish people thought I was gay. Stan's gonna freak when we tell him about this. He's always had a major crush on me. Roger, we can't tell the family about this. They won't understand. I guess we could keep it a secret. Are you okay being out of the water like this? Oh, I'm actually in a puddle of sweat from our lovemaking. [Door creaks] [Door creaks] Klaus, what are you doing up in Roger's attic? Oh, hey, I was, um, not having mind-blowing, - sweaty sex with Roger. - Huh. You know, people are always talking about what they were doing, but you're right. We should talk more about what we weren't doing. I mean, obviously, you weren't just having sex with Roger. He has a major crush on me. - Oh, yeah, totally. - Wait, he admitted it? Klaus, you got to tell me these things. When I heard Tuttle had a crush on you, I told you immediately. Now pull up! Up! - [Grunting] - [Crowd booing] You can't even do one pull-up, PokÃ©mon?! You've failed the Presidential Fitness Test, which means on the authority of the president, I will now deport your favorite cousin. Now we know who it is! Go! [Both moaning] I want to put you in my mouth. Roger, stop. Someone's coming. Oh, great! You guys are joining us for family movie night? Tonight's feature "Basic Instinct. " [Man and woman moaning] Is this Are we sure this is a family movie? [Moaning continues] Roger, can I see you in the kitchen? Oh, yes, kitchen! Oh, Klaus! Yes! Yes, Klaus! Oh, my God, yes! Be quiet. Stan and Francine are right outside. I don't care if they find out. You're crazy, and I love it. [Both moaning] What the? Were you two making out? No! Are you nuts?! Sorry, this pink eye is making me see things. Nurse Margaret gave me eye drops, but I-I think it's getting worse. - I might have to - Get the [bleep] out! Oh, that was so hot! [Both moaning] [Both laugh] Thought that I was going crazy - [Gasps] - Just having one of those days, yeah [Sighs] Didn't know what to do - Then there was you - [Wink!] And everything went from wrong to right And the stars came out and filled up the sky The music you were playing really blew my mind It was love It felt safe - 'Cause, baby, when I heard you - [Both moaning] For the first time, I knew - Ahh! - We were - [Record rips] - What the hell's going on here?! It's not what you think! I believe you. Goodbye. No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. I can't hide it anymore. In fact, I want to shout it from the rooftops! Klaus and I are in love! [Laughs] You guys! You really got me! I actually started believing it. Well, you should because we're a couple. Tell them, honey pie. It's true. Roger and I have been intimate. Oh, my God! I'm so happy for you two! Stan, I know this is hard for you to accept, what with your feelings for me, but why don't you and Francine come over for dinner? I'll make pesto. Damn it! 19. Sure, we'd be happy to accept your invitation. Maybe I should stop using this thing. [Sighs] Guess not. [Sing-song voice] Hayley. I baked you cookies because you're sick. Really? That's so nice! Let me at those eyes! [Both screaming] Get away from her! Don't be such a dick, Hayley! Share your pink eye! The general has it out for me! Whoa, Steve, you want to get away from a military man? You should have come to me. I know all the tricks. You do? Yeah, if I put as much work into working as I do into not working I don't know. So, how do you two you know? Stan, that's a very personal question. Ask them something less personal. - Who's on the $50 bill? - Grant. Got to admit, Stan, they know their stuff. Now that our relationship's out in the open, we can finally do all the things that couples do, like go to the opera or take a hot-air-balloon ride. Klaus loves hot-air balloons, don't you, babe? I mentioned it once. He loves them. Maybe the four of us could take a long weekend, rent a house on Lake Havasu. What do you say? I've always wanted to go places. You know, I thought this was gonna be weird, but it turns out you two are just a normal couple. That's what I've been saying all along. Isn't this great, babe? Yeah! - No! I hate this! - What? Look, I don't want to be a normal couple going on double dates with Stan and Francine. What made it hot was all the sneaking around. It was so wrong, so dangerous, so taboo. But now you want me to go hot-air ballooning with these two professional boner killers? Sorry, boy, but I am out! We're still gonna have pesto, right? Both: Pesto! Pesto! Pesto! [Sobbing] How could Klaus leave me?! Roger, just have a look around. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. I know you're proud of yourself for coming up with that, but I just want Klaus back. Well, when you love someone, you have to go after them. Is that how you got Stan? Bitch, I look like this. Homegirl don't chase. Homegirl gets chased. Klaus wanted taboo and danger. I can give that to him. I'm gonna make this work. Homegirl don't even have to work. Homegirl get that paper all on her own. Stop that. You're white. I'm homegirl. This is nice. Just the two of us bros. 99 problems, but a chick ain't one, am I right? Hit me. Hey, daddy. Welp, looks like you're in the middle of something, so It's finally done, Klaus! My lawyer character bribed my judge character to push the adoption paperwork through the district courts. You officially adopted me! What are you talking about? Well, you said you wanted taboo, right? Well, what's more taboo than making sexy with your own daughter? Roger, this is sick. Look, we had fun, but now it's over. Let's just go back to being friends. No! I thought you wanted this! We were supposed to be a couple! We were gonna go yachting and host game nights and argue over what religion to raise our future child! Obviously Muslim! I can't do this, Klaus! I am not raising Mohammed alone! [Pound on door] Excuse me, but your neighbors reported a noise complaint, and they say they heard the name Mohammed? Sorry, officer, but everything's fine here. Everything's not fine! He broke up with me! He won't sleep with me anymore! Who's he? He's my father and my lover! But I'm a fish! A sick fish who's going away for a long time. Fine, take me to jail. As long as I'm nowhere near her. Wait, I didn't mean for you to take him away from me. No! Oh, what have I done?! Klaus! Oh, my, I think it's time you see a doctor. But I can't afford to go to a doctor right now. I'm unemployed. I'm starting to think you're not a student here. I'm getting pretty suspicious myself. Nurse Margaret, we need you. Some kid's losing it at the Presidential Fitness Test. Jesus will rise again, and there's no room for sinners in His kingdom! I taught him that! He's doing the classic draft-dodging technique "Yelling About Jesus. " [Warbling] Son, I've seen every trick in the book. You're doing the [warbling] You're yelling about Jesus. But you're not gonna get out of pull-ups by acting crazy. Now grab that bar! What's happening? I can't see anything. But can you see with your ears? Stop trying to turn me into Daredevil. Grab that bar, Smith! No! I will not be humiliated! [Grunting] What are you doing there, Smith? [Grunting continues] Are you? You wouldn't dare. [Grunting stops] [All gasp] That boy just pooed hisself! Smith, you're excused from the Presidential Fitness Test. [Sighs] And I did it with my dignity intact. In all my years, I've never seen anyone try to get out of pull-ups by soiling themselves. For that tremendous act of courage, you deserve this. My medal for bravery. The President of El Pollo Loco will be very pleased. He's the president I've been referring to this whole time. All: Steve! Steve! Steve! [Whistle blows] And now dropping from the ceiling, El Pollo Loco's new genetically modified, all-dark-meat chicken! All: Dark meat! Dark meat! Jeff, it sounds crazy, but I can see the chicken with my ears. Babe, it doesn't sound crazy at all. - You're the new Daredevil! - I must be! I'm catching so much chicken! This is nothing like "Orange is the New Black. " Where are all the babes? Please, my ex was one of the hottest babes in history. She was crazy. Thank God I won't be seeing her for a long time. Guess who got himself arrested! - Oh, donkey balls. - Uh, yes? No, not you, Donkey Balls. I trust I'll see you at rehearsals for "My Fair Lady. " I knew I couldn't be without you, so I started shooting at passing cars on the highway. They didn't get me for that, though. It was a pair of batting gloves I stole from Modell's. Isn't that great?! Now we can do it in prison! Move along, pal. The fish is already taken. No! Klaus is my man. Then I guess you'll have to fight for him. Klaus is mine! - Aah! Aah! - Stab yourself much? Roger, stop, please! No prison fights! You You're going to solitary. No, no, no, no, no, no! I'm with Klaus! Please! I can't be without him! All right! Looks like I'm back on the market! Strike that! Looks like I'm spoken for! [Laughing] Now that Roger and Klaus are coming home, do you think we'll have to take sides in the break-up? Yes, and it's very important we choose the same side. On the count of three, say who you'd support. One, two, three. - Roger. - Don't care. I don't want to talk about what happened in prison. Uh-oh. If Klaus is this bad, Roger's gonna be even worse coming from solitary. - Hey, guys. - Roger? - You seem okay. - Never been better. See, after a month in solitary, I realized that I was never in love with Klaus. I was just afraid of being alone. But after being by myself for 30 days straight, I learned that I'm never alone with all the voices in my head. Isn't that right, Lucas? You're right, Roger. It took you a while to forget about Klaus. But then you realized you have me to fill the void. Lucas is my workout buddy. He came to me in a night terror. [Deep voice] And you have me, sports commentator and woman Mary Carrillo. Do not go in there! [Normal voice] That's Ace Ventura. Well, I'm just glad everything's back to normal. Yep, I'm no longer depressed, and Klaus and I will just be friends again from now on. It's like it never happened. That's big of you, Roger. [Deep voice] Game set, and match. [Shouting] Somebody stop me! I'm Mask now! [Normal voice] Guys, guys, don't speak all at once. You're making me sound crazy.