Our Very First Christmas Show

[In the teaser, the whole family is in the living room, where they're gathered around the Christmas tree for their annual family Christmas card photo. Danny sets the timer on his camera.]

Jesse: Here we go. Let's go, Danny.

Danny: Okay, this is for our Christmas card. Everybody look merry, peaceful and joyous.

Jesse: Okay, come on. This is it.

Danny: Here we go. [He rushes to join the others.] Everyone say, 'Christmas cheese'.

Everyone: Christmas cheese.

[Danny is in the living room, filming his greeting for the Wake Up, San Francisco viewers.]

Danny: Hi. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah to all you viewers of Wake Up, San Francisco. I'm off to Colorado for the first annual Tanner family Christmas reunion. But through the magic of home video, you're gonna see it all, starting with our Christmas tree. [He turns his attention to it.] Look, there it is; un-flocked and fire-retardant. And, of course, with the traditional smoke-alarm angel on top.

[Stephanie comes downstairs as Danny is filming.]

Danny: Ah, here comes my daughter Stephanie. This happy little girl is what Christmas is all about.

Stephanie: [unhappily] Daddy, I don't wanna go on this dumb trip.

Danny: Steph, the camera's running. Try to be a little bit cuter.

Stephanie: [in a very sarcastically happy attitude] I don't wanna go on this dumb trip! [normal voice] Daddy, Santa will never find me in Colorado. He knows I live here.

Danny: Trust me, Steph. He'll be there Christmas morning.

Stephanie: Well, just to make sure, I drew this map. [She shows it to the guys and points everything out.] Well, just to make sure, I drew this map for Santa so he can find me. It's got the North Pole, "You are here." And San Francisco, "Stephanie was here." And Colorado, "Stephanie will be here Christmas morning." And this is a bird named Tony.

Stephanie: Operator, if Santa’s not listed, then give me the number for Mrs. Claus. Hello? Hello? How rude.

Irene Katsopolis: Whoever designed these airline bathrooms was not wearing pantyhose.

Stephanie: Daddy! Daddy! Good news. D.J. explained it. Santa will get here with the presents because Rudolph has red-nose radar.

Danny: Uh, Stephanie, you know, red-nose radar doesn’t always work in real heavy snow.

Stephanie: Are you saying Santa’s not coming?

Danny: Well, if he doesn’t make it here, I’m sure he’ll find you in a couple of days.

Stephanie: But it’s not the same. It won’t be Christmas morning. [She turns and heads back into the phone booth, closing the door behind her.]

D.J.: Dad, what were you thinking? I had her all cheered up, and then you bum her out big time.

Danny: D.J., I think you’re old enough to hear the truth. The airline lost our bag with the Christmas presents.

D.J.: What? No presents? You mean they lost my new CD player?

Danny: How did you know you were getting a CD player?

D.J.: Did I say “CD player”?

Danny: Yes. That’s exactly what you just said.

D.J.: Well, it doesn’t matter. I’m not getting it anyway. Stephanie was right. We should never have gone on this trip. This is the worst Christmas ever.

Irene: Poor kid.

Nick: What a rotten Christmas.

D.J.: The presents are lost.

Joey: I broke Stephanie’s heart.

D.J.: The presents are lost.

Becky: I won’t see my family on Christmas, or my cow.

D.J.: Did I mention the presents are lost?

Jesse: What’s the matter with you people? The first Christmas was in a manger. They did okay. I mean, so what if we’re stuck in this crummy dump? Christmas isn’t about presents, or Santa Claus, or cows. It’s about a feeling. It’s about...it’s about people. It’s about us forgetting about our problems and reaching out to help other people. Christmas doesn’t have to happen in one certain place. It happens in our hearts. So if you think about it, we could have Christmas anywhere. I mean, even in a baggage claim. D.J., what do you see right there? [He points to one corner.]

D.J.: A coat rack. [The camera cuts.]

Jesse: No. [He rushes over and picks it up.] I see a big beautiful Christmas tree. Joseph, what do you see back there? [He points to another corner.]

Joey: Vending machines. [The camera cuts again.]

Jesse: No. I see a Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. Pop, what do you see back there? [He points towards something else.]

Nick Katsopolis: A conveyor belt.

Jesse: No. I see...OK, yes, that's a conveyor belt. But the point I'm trying to make here is, that we can give these kids the best darn Christmas Day they've ever had! And you know why? Because, outside the snow is falling, and friends are calling "Yoo-hoo!" [as he tugs Lionel]. Come on! [Everyone bursts into song.]

[In the morning, everybody is asleep, except Michelle. She stands next to the control buttons for the conveyor belt, on which Danny is sleeping. She pushes a button, and Danny moves away while his blanket falls off.]

Michelle: Bye, Daddy.

Jesse: [waking up when he hears the belt] Michelle. Come here, you little insomniac. Hey. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Michelle. It's Christmas. [He turns the lights on.] Wake up, everybody! Merry Christmas!

[Everyone's indeed in a festive mood as they wake from their long winter's nap.]

Stephanie: It's Christmas! In an airport. Hot dog.

D.J.: We did a great job. It really does look like Christmas. And it doesn't even matter if there are no presents.

[Nick decides to take a cue from his son's speech.]

Nick: Jesse, what do you see over there? [He points to the 'Christmas dinner' corner mentioned in the speech.]

Jesse: I see Becky by the coffee machine, Dad.

Nick: I see a woman waiting to be kissed under the mistletoe.

Jesse: Pop...

Nick: The first time I ever kissed your mother was under the mistletoe. It lasted till New Year’s. Hey, there are two things Katsopolis men are known for: Kissing and great hair.

Jesse: Merry Christmas, Becky.

Becky: Oh, merry Christmas, Jesse. Listen, I want you to know, if I can’t be with my family on Christmas, it’s really nice to be with your family.

Jesse: Well, I’m happy you’re with us too.

Nick & Irene: [signalling them to kiss] Go ahead. Go ahead.