Mine Struggle

1 Stan! You got to clean this goddamn patio! A lovely day Stan, I need you to sign this permission slip - for a school trip. - Well, I'm a little busy getting 20 years of crap off the patio. Is Brett Ratner's career on the patio? Oh-ho-ho! Burn! Tell you what You sign my permission slip, and I'll loan you my power washer. You think it's strong enough to do the job? Let's just say the Statue of Liberty uses it to shower which she doesn't do often, 'cause she's French. B-B-B-B-Burn! You know that's paint thinner. Yeah, nice try. I'm not going anywhere. I souped it up with a little alien tech. By alien, I mean Detroit. Let's turn this country around. Let's make things again. (engine starts) - (rumbling) - Whoa! Whoa! Roger! (screaming) - Nice, huh? - No, shut it off! - (engine shuts off) - Damn it, Roger! Not used to holding a tool with that kind of power, Stan? (laughs) I'm kidding. I've seen yours while you were sleeping. It's great. - Oh - Oh - my - my - God. - God. Jinx! Now you can't talk till I say your name, Stan. Ah, damn it! Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U. S. A. Aah! What the hell is that? What's going on?! You burning some punk-ass fools? Do Hayley next. The yard! (stammering) Stan was cleaning the patio with my power washer, and it kind of got away from him. Because it has a Trans Am engine strapped to it. You used to be stronger. But, look. Stan struck something. White, dusty oil? Lawn dandruff? A third ridiculous guess? I think I know what this is. Yep, that's salt. It's a salt deposit. Oh, my God! Did you guys think it was cocaine? Cocaine doesn't grow underground, dumb-asses. You got to make that shit, with blood and sweat. And a little bit of salt. You got to cut it with salt to hit your margins. So I guess we have 1% of cocaine here. And a big mess to clean up. This isn't a mess. This could be our future. Is salt valuable? I don't know. No way. Wendy Williams could totally beat up Connie Chung. Sure, sure, but, I mean, no one was talking about either of those people before you said that. - (door closes) - I spoke to the Gordon Salt people, and they said we might have a valuable resource in our yard. And if we do, they'd like to pay us for the right to take it. You mean mine it, like minerals? Ha. If you want to talk like a ground scientist. - A geologist? - What? Wait, honey. You want a functioning salt mine in our backyard? Well, I sure as heck don't want a non-functioning one. Stan, it's our yard. Our sanctuary. Our happy place. We used to have treasure hunts where you'd write clues for me and hide them around the yard. I know we're a family, so we usually pretend everyone gets a vote. But, come on, guys. It's me. - I'm gonna do what I want. - (doorbell rings) And I want to see who that is. Mr. Smith, we're with Gordon Salt. Wow. You got here quick. There was a police chase on 95, so we just drafted off that. Good news, Mr. Smith A big shaft here would tap into a significant vein of salt. Hear that? I'm gonna have a big veiny shaft. Are they salt executives or genies? (laughing) Oh! KLAUS: Did I miss a burn? Please, excuse my family. They have some concerns about what exactly is going to happen here. (chuckles) Let me put you folks at ease. Mr. Smith here will sign his mineral rights over to us, and we'll give him a big check. Then we'll tear up your yard, take all the salt out, and fill in the hole when we're done if there's time which there won't be. As long as there's time to write that big check. Mom, why are you switching sides? Because now there's a side that has a big check on it. And just to be clear, you mean a physically huge check? I've always wanted to hold one of those. Feel like I won a golf tournament or I'm a landlord and one of my tenants is a giant. If you're looking to buy our mineral rights, you best be talking to me Steve, the legal owner. - (all gasp) - I also have big news. One of these guys stepped in dog turd on the way in. There's size-9 poo spots all over the house. Here's where I keep all my important documents Big Wheel warranty, construction schematics for my Lego Millennium Falcon, Barry's do-not-resuscitate order. Ah! This! Um, can you get your shoes off my duvet, please? This is a contract, signed eight years ago, transferring all mineral rights on our property from Dad to me. How is that possible? Oh. I can explain. Uh-Uh! You think I brought you to my room so you could do the talking? "Your scavenger hunt has come to an end. Your very last clue is on the ladder, my schmend. " "Schmend"? Wouldn't "friend" have been the perfect rhyme? You have a lot to learn about schmendship. (laughing) Ooh! Treasure! No, Steve, those aren't the treasure. They're just the clue holder-downers. But they're so shiny. So is Hayley's forehead, but you wouldn't call that a treasure. (sighing) Oh. "Down the slide and in the ground, your special treasure you'll have found. " Ha ha! Treasure! No, that's just more rocks. Oh, for God's sake. That's the treasure. Baseball cards. (unenthusiastically) Thanks, Dad. Well, open 'em. Let's see who you got. Must be some kind of mistake. They're all the same card. No variety. Not like the rocks. Oh, my God! They're all Ken Griffey Jr. Rookie cards. They must be worth a fortune. Francine, what have you always wanted to buy? FRANCINE: We keep putting off that procedure on my hip. Right! A fan boat! - Mwah! - Um, Dad? Isn't that my treasure? Technically, yes. But wouldn't you rather have all the rocks in the whole yard? That would be awesome! But how would I get them all out? You don't have to. You see, Steve, owning land can be different than owning the minerals inside that land. So now you have the mineral rights. And all I have are these pieces of cardboard. Sucker! Okay, you're making me look bad, Steve. 'Cause after you called me a sucker, I definitely threw you in the pool, 'cause I don't take that shit. Nor should you. But we're really more concerned with the contract. Please. That can't possibly be legally binding. I thought you might say that which is why I went down to city hall this morning and got it stamped. Hmm. Yep, it's official. And if anyone knows what's "official," it's a fish, y'all! Look, we're here on business, and you, young man, are the person we should be doing business with. So there's still a big check. It's just for Steve my favorite boy. Our favorite boy. Put 'Er there, son. - Psych! - Whoo! No deal, mister. Eight years ago, my dad tried to rip me off. Well, now I'm the one who's gonna do the ripping and the tearing. The ripping and the tearing, right through his plan to destroy our backyard. - My backyard. - My minerals. - Listen, Jeremy, is it? - Steve. I respect the sexual frustration behind your decision. What?! No, no. That's not why I You're obviously a virgin. That has nothing to do with But here's the thing, Jer-bear Gordon always gets its salt. He's the virgin. Not even close! I've had sex with lots of girls. Name one. (school bell rings) - Hi. - Hey. - What's that? - It's a Lego Millennium Falcon minus a floor panel, which I'm (Sighs) praying fell behind my trundle bed. 'Cause without it, Han and Chewie are screwed when they need to hide from Imperial troops. They'd just be sitting in a wide-open smuggler's hatch like idiots. - You're fun and interesting. - I am?! Want to go out some time? Um, sure! I'm Steve. What's your name? Whatever you want it to be. Franci Hold on. This is all going too easily. Wait. You look familiar. Yellow raincoat, box of salt leaking on your shoes blue umbrella! (gasps) You're the Gordon Salt Girl! MAN: And she can be yours. All you have to do is sign over the mineral rights. I already told you No. Seriously. She'll do anything you want, or I'll do anything you want? Stop. You two may be dead inside, but I'm not. I'm alive with family memories of barbecues and trying sports and sweet, lazy Sunday afternoons. Mr. Smith! Sorry. It's just these people are Are you playing with Legos in my class? I'm doing a build, if that's what you're asking. It's distracting. So are the two adult strangers in your class. Nice try, Steve. But us adults stick together. (somber music plays) - (door closes) - Long day. (sighs) Yeah. The Gordon people were all over No, I mean I had a long day. I got hurt on our field trip. We went to Mount Vernon, so as you'd expect, I got my arm busted by a bunch of Hells Angels. - Sign my cast? - Sure. No, no. Not there, not there. Right there. Got to leave room for Zachary and Ella. I'm gonna have them sign next to each other, 'cause then when I break them up, Ella's gonna cry every time she sees my cast, and I'm gonna love it, 'cause she was such a bitch to me at the lockers last week. - I know this is all made up. - Some of it. FRANCINE: Roger, leave Steve alone. Thanks, Mom, but I already have a chocolate milk martini. This is a real martini. It's okay. You're a man now. A man with mineral rights. Get drunk! Then decide what to do with them. I can't believe it! You want me to sell out to the salt people! No! I want you to get drunk. I believe that once you get drunk, you'll sell out to the salt people. But what about our family memories? We'll buy new memories with all that salt money. And we don't have to share it with your dad. In fact, we can give him this poison martini. Piss off, Francine. I've got too much to live for, knowing I still have my Ken Griffey Jr. rookie cards. ROGER: Um, actually, you don't. I put them in the spokes of my bike last year. But they were locked away in my safe. Stan, honey, I hate to break this to you, but I am your safe. - It's one of my personas. - What?! I'm also the downstairs toilet. My cards! Made me feel boss when I was riding down the street, flossin'! You ruined them. Those were my cards! Mine! I hate this place! (wheels clicking) So, we've had some difficulty getting your son to play ball. That's because he can't play ball very well, so he gets self-conscious about it. You just need to start playing like it's no big deal, and eventually, he'll join in. - Charles. - (tires screech) You're a big meanie. My God, are you the man of your house, or aren't you? Because a man wouldn't let a boy's contract stop him from making this deal. But it's signed. And stamped. - You heard the fish. - (sighing) Oh. I didn't want to come to this. I really didn't. - (thunder crashes) - What the hell is that?! This, Mr. Smith, is the original Gordon Salt Girl, preserved by salt and angered by delays. (echoing) Get me that salt! STEVE: What are you doing?! I believe the legal term is take-backs. Destroying a young boy's signed contract truly low, sir. And exactly the kind of thing I knew you'd do which is why I moved the real contract to Snot's for safekeeping. Well played, son. You anticipated my move and had the foresight to stash the contract at a secure off-site location. Which begs the question, why did you bring it home? Well, I went to check on it, and contrary to what I'd been assured, Snot did not have a proper file cabinet. Where was it? Like, on his desk or something? Yeah, with Other crap all over the place. Yes. And it's not like something was for sure going to happen to it. - It's just - There's a right way to do things. - Exactly. - Totally get it. (grunts) Hey, Steve, did you know there's a Lego piece behind your dresser? Looks like the door to a smuggler's hatch. All right, Dad! As soon as this salt war is over, I'll thank you properly! Dad's trying to destroy the contract so he can sell out to Gordon. - Uh-huh. - You got to help me. - Do I? - Of course you do. You don't want a salt mine in our yard. What about our memories and the environment? Hmm. I do love those things. I also love the idea that if there's a salt mine in the yard, I can protest it without getting out of bed. Hayley, no! Basically, this is the lazy protester's dream. So, why don't you just give me the contract? (groans) (grunting) Ugh. Are you gonna make me get out of bed? (sighs) Aah! Mama? Wh What's with the nails? They're white like salt, Steve. I came up with it when I realized salt is the only white thing in the world! Mom, that's not even close to true. Let's you and me make it true! STAN: Nowhere to run, son. Or walk. I think we can all do this with just walking. - Come on, Steve. - Let's go, Steve. Give it up, Steve. What am I doing? Why am I fighting for our family memories if my family won't fight with me? I'm with you, Steve! I'm totally alone in this. You know what? You guys win. If our memories are meaningless, then so is this piece of paper. I renounce it. "Down the slide and in the ground, your special treasure you'll have found. " I remember that slide. When I climbed to the top of it, it felt like I was climbing into the sky. You had a big scary slide like this, too? Not your slide, Steve. My slide. My dad wrote these clues for me when I was a kid. He'd hide them all over the yard, and I'd look for them. And when I was done, I'd wake him up, if I could find him. Wait, you just recycled your dad's game? I haven't thought about that in years. - What a great memory. - Not for me. It means all my treasure hunts were just hand-me-downs. From my awesome father. What?! He abandoned you! That man's a sociopath! Quiet, Steve. I'm getting an idea. Is it that family memories are precious and should be protected? Uh, duh! But, also try to follow me maybe we shouldn't let the Gordon people mine our yard. I've been saying that for a week! Hope on the bandwagon, Steve. There's plenty of room. Now, I'm gonna call them and (rumbling) Wait! We've changed our minds! This isn't just a patch of dirt. It's a canvas on which we've painted some of the most wonderful moments of our lives. That's beautiful, Mr. Smith. I believe that I could never buy the mineral rights from you or your son. Great. So about my fence? Which is why I bought them from their actual owner. ANNOUNCER: Actual owner?! Whoa! Who will it be, "American Dad!" fans? Steve's teacher? Ken Griffey Jr. ? The Gordon exec who hasn't spoken yet? Is it Snot, Barry, or Toshi, who've all been conspicuously absent? Is it me, the announcer?! Oh, I look like Dracula, by the way. Is it Principal Lewis? Is it Francine's sexy sister, Gwen? Is it Diane from an upcoming episode about slot cars? Suckboy Tony? James Garfield? Robert Wuhl? Tuttle, Buckle, Jackson, Duper, Hooper, Dick, or Bullock? Styles, Billy, Jack, Meredith, Tom from the grocery store? That sweet little boy from "The Cleveland Show," Rallo? It's me! You're probably realizing now, Stan, that permission slip you signed was a mineral-rights lease. But when it turned out Steve was the real owner, I broke my arm and plastered another lease around my cast. Sorry, kid, but you were throwing away one hell of a score. All right, people! Let's dig! What? What?! There's no vein?! We paid all that money for just one scoop?! Sir, there's been a report of a gusher in Madison, Wisconsin. Great. That's where I'm from. We can stay with my mom. She's got a bumper pool table. (beeping) And that, my friends, is what we call the long con. What are you talking about? I planted that salt. I set up this whole thing. It was a sting, baby. Oh, I've wanted to screw Gordon Salt for years. What on earth for? Well, you know how my Rabbi Itzhak character likes to keep kosher? A few years ago, the rebbe conducted a surprise inspection of a Gordon facility in Arizona to confirm that their so-called kosher salt was, indeed, kosher. I'm not embarrassed to say I wept and cried for mercy as I was soundly beaten by the girl behind the front desk. But I vowed revenge. So I bought a 40-pound bag of salt and buried it in the yard, bought the power washer and slapped a Hemi on it, and I waited for 3 1/2 years for Stan to finally clean the patio. The rest was a breeze. Why didn't you just let us in on the con? I mean, you saw how it was tearing us apart. I couldn't trust you to be cool when the stakes were so high. How much did you make? Let's see. After my salt purchase, backhoe rental, power washer, reconditioned V-8 engine, hospital bills, notary for the mineral lease, plus the staff retreat in Park City, I cleared 40 bucks. That's nothing. No. That's enough for a bag of charcoal. A lovely day Lovely day, lovely day Lovely day, lovely day Lovely day I am going to remember this day for a long time, honey. Me too. It's perfect. Almost. It could use a little more salt. (laughter) That's pretty good, Roger. Why don't you toss me those tongs? It's pepper. Nope, it's sewage. It's Steve's.