Douche and a Danish

{{EpisodeScript| {{ScriptScene|South Park Elementary playground. The boys and girls are yelling at each other as Nelly and Butters are about to fight each other.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jason|Hit her!}} {{ScriptDialog|Random Boy|Hit her, man!}} {{ScriptDialog|Annie|Kick his ass, Nelly!}} {{ScriptDialog|Red|All boys should die!}} {{ScriptDialog|Lola|Take him out!}} {{ScriptDialog|Nelly|I don't care if you're a boy, I'm gonna kick your ass!}} {{ScriptDialog|Butters|[is seen with his pants put down and shirt pulled up] Anytime anywhere, skank.}} {{ScriptDialog|Boys (except Butters)|Yeah!}} {{ScriptDialog|Boys (except Butters)|Yeah!}} {{ScriptDialog|Nelly|Pull up your stupid pants first.}} {{ScriptDialog|Butters|Why? You're afraid to fight me like a man?}} {{ScriptDialog|Clyde|Kick her ass, Butters. She called you stupid.}} {{ScriptDialog|Wendy|He is stupid! Look at him!}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimmy|At least he's not a zzzzitty-faced ggirl.}} {{ScriptDialog|Boys (expect Butters and Jimmy)|Yeah!}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|[walks from the girls side of the fight to the in between Nelly and Butters and spreads his arms] Hey hey hey! Whoa, guys! Guys! [crowd stops yelling] Hasn't this gone on long enough? Aren't we tired of being so divided at skewl?}} {{ScriptDialog|Annie|Get out of here, Cartman; nobody's buying it.}} {{ScriptDialog|Red|Yeah, everyone knows you're the worst!}} {{ScriptDialog|Heidi|Hey, leave him alone! [walks from the boys side of the fight to near Cartman] Eric tries to help [spreads her arms] and you call him names?! [talks to Cartman] Sorry, babe, I had to step in.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|It's cool, Baby.}} {{ScriptDialog||[Heidi and Cartman kiss each other and causing the others to be flabbergasted]}} {{ScriptDialog|Wendy|Heidi?!}} {{ScriptDialog|Annie|[faints]}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Heidi has been really hurt by all of this, you guys. And I think it's time for us to all try to come together, as a skewl.}} {{ScriptScene|Presidential speech break room. Publicist speaks with Garrison.}} {{ScriptDialog|Advisor #1|All right sir [gives Garrison his lines], don't be nervous for your speech; I know we're down a bit in the polls, but there's still a great chance we can win the Swing States.}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|There's [flips through pages] still a chance, are you serious?!}} {{ScriptDialog|Publicist #1|Just one thing sir, be a little careful of what you say about women. Uh, seems like that might be losing us some votes. [walks away]}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|[puts his hand under his chin] Oh you don't say?}} {{ScriptScene|A campaign rally, later. "Make America Great Again." Chris Christie is at the podium]}} {{ScriptDialog|Chris Christie|Ladies and gentlemen, out country's divided like never before. And we all know that only one man has the guts to say what we're all thinking. Please, welcome the man who with your help will soon be the next President of the United States! [Mr. Garrison comes out to great fanfare and takes the mic.]}} {{ScriptDialog|Crowd Members|Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! [somewhere in there a man shrieks. Garrison lights up a cigarette and starts pacing]}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|So I'm standin' in line at the airport, waitin' in security 'cause of all the freakin' Muslims. [cheers and applause]}} {{ScriptDialog|Supporter|Ow!}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|And the TSA security people all look like black thugs from the inner city; I'm like "Oh good, you're gonna protect us?" [laughter] Well maybe it's good they're all gang members. At least they can tell the difference between Muslims and Mexicans, 'cause God knows I can't. [applause] You know, I'm standin' there in line and you know what I do? I stick my finger in this chick's asshole, [applause and laughter] and she turns to me and says, "Hey, aren't you that guy that's running for President?" I say Yeah. She says "Why you got your finger in my ass?" I say "I'm just keeping it warm, honey, 'cause that chick next to you is way hotter and I'm gonna stick it in her clam." [the men are clapping, the women just look at him now] Yeah, let's make America great again. No dude wants his finger in some ugly bitch's ass. [the men laugh] You gotta be careful though, it's only about half an inch away, you know, that asshole and that clam, so you gotta be careful. Right dudes? [A woman gets up and makes her way to the aisle] Oh. Oh, where are you goin'? Are you leavin? [the woman turns right to leave the rally] I'm sorry, did I offend you? Where did I lose you, honey? You've been okay with the "fuck everyone to death," all the Muslim and Mexican shit, but fingers in the ass did it for ya? [she reaches the door and exits] Cool, just wanted to see where your line was! [some more women get up, one of them leaves with her husband] Oh yeah, look, I guess some more broads are leavin'. Oh Jeez you were so on board, I can't believe I let that little offensive mark slip. Poor girls. Did you get your feelings hurt after "Fuck all the immigrants" and?" Jeez, I'm sorry. Jeez.}} {{ScriptScene|[Trolltrace.com, day. A camera zooms into it. Lennart Bedrager dances into view.]}} {{ScriptDialog|Bedrager|[in a weird accent] Hello. Are you tired of hate speech? Are you sick of sexism and-a bigotry? Then please, help the Danish put an end to trolls.}} {{ScriptDialog|Danes|Tjing tjang tjing nutillej.}} {{ScriptDialog|Bedrager|Right now, the people of Denmark are working on a biometric computer superstructure which will allow people all around the world to identify the trolls in their communities.}} {{ScriptDialog|Danes|Tjing tjang tjing nutillej.}} {{ScriptDialog|Bedrager|But to make this dream into a reality, we still need your donations. We are just a few million kroners away, so please donate via the social media of your choice.}} {{ScriptDialog|Danes|[four windows open and some Danes sing out] Tjing tjang tjing nutillej.}} {{ScriptDialog|Bedrager|Just imagine it, knowing who said what on the Internet.}} {{ScriptDialog|Dane 1|The whole world will be-a peaceful and happy.}} {{ScriptDialog|Dane 2|Like-a here, in Denmark.}} {{ScriptDialog|Dane 3|Help fund our project on social media today!}} {{ScriptDialog|Danes|Together, we will rid the world of trolls. Tjing tjang lu, Tjing tjang lu, Tjing tjang tjing nutillej!}} {{ScriptScene|[The darkened room from last episode. The trolls are gathered there again to plan their next move.]}} {{ScriptDialog|Dick|Fellow trolls, we have gathered together because our anonymity is being threatened. Individually, we are some of the most notorious trolls in Colorado. We must now find a way to unite. Each one of us has the power to make message boards go haywire, The power to make individuals buckle and fall. Imagine if we use those skills against a common enemy.}} {{ScriptDialog|Troll #2|They have an entire government at their disposal.}} {{ScriptDialog|Dick|And we... have Skankhunt42.}} {{ScriptDialog|Gerald|[sighs] It's Gerald. Alright?}} {{ScriptDialog|Dick|I believe that he... is the key to stopping all this.}} {{ScriptScene|[South Park Elementary Gym, day. PC Principal is holding an assembly]}} {{ScriptDialog|PC Principal|Alright everyone, listen up. This school is falling apart, and it needs to stop. Boys are harassing girls, and girls are stereotyping boys as- Not now, Mr. Stotch! Put it away!}} {{ScriptDialog|Butters|[with his pants down and dick out] Well okay. [pulls his pants back up.]}} {{ScriptDialog|PC Principal|Now I've asked for some ideas and a couple of students wanna try and help. Please welcome Heidi and Eric. [they come up wearing matching shirts: "COME TOGETHER as a school"]}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Hey you guys?}} {{ScriptDialog|Heidi|What's up? [the other kids stay silent]}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Guys, we have a lot of problems facing our skewl. I don't know if many of you know Heidi but she's really smart and really funny.}} {{ScriptDialog|Heidi|Eheh, stop, Eric.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|You are. And she's come up with a pretty cool idea. Tell 'em, baby.}} {{ScriptDialog|Heidi|Thanks, babe. I don't know if you guys have heard, but right now, Denmark is trying to make trolling a thing of the past. They're asking for help, and I thought "why not a school fundraiser?"}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Yeah, but the way you said it was actually way funnier, remember?}} {{ScriptDialog|Heidi|What? How did I say it? [from here their voices get softer and softer until they're whispering to each other]}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Remember, you were like "Oh, what if we had a fundraiser?" in uh, what was it? [they hold hands] Remember, you- it was like uh-}} {{ScriptDialog|Heidi|When was this? Were we at Denny's?}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|	Yeah, we were having uhh, that dessert thing. What was that, that-?}} {{ScriptDialog|Heidi|[giggling] Oh, and you kept spilling it and everything?}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Yeah, yeah, remember? Remember that there was that, that guy that had that, what was it}} {{ScriptDialog|Heidi|He had that weird haircut and you kept saying that it looked like he had a dick on his head.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Yeah yeah yeah, that's when you said that- don't let anybody- [they get lost in the moment for a few seconds whispering to each other. The other kids lean forward trying to understand what they're discussing. Cartman notices, then] Oh hey guys. Wha-what's up? Oh right. A school fundraiser. Tomorrow, we'll be going to each individual class with more information. And after that...}} {{ScriptDialog|Heidi|Then we should all come together [mimicking Cartman] as a skewl. [Cartman giggles and sighs happily. Bebe throws up involuntarily]}} {{ScriptScene|[Campaign headquarters. Garrison's advisers are exasperated after his disastrous rally. Caitlyn is polishing her nails]}} {{ScriptDialog|Advisor #1|Sir, what were you thinking? We said to be careful how you talked about women.}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|[satisfied with himself] Yeah I don't know, I guess I just kind of screwed the pooch on that one. [checks for any Pabst Blue Ribbon cans with beer left in them]}} {{ScriptDialog|Chris Christie|We are way down in the polls. I don't know how we recover from this.}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|Oh really? Jeez that's too bad. [dusts off his pants and checks his shoes]}} {{ScriptDialog|Chris Christie|A lot of us have staked our lives on backing you! You can't just go bonkers like this!}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|Hey, sorry. I didn't realize women were racists.}} {{ScriptDialog|Advisor 2|You have... millions of supporters who are looking to you to lead! They're gonna wanna know what you're gonna do about this!}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|I mean, I don't know. Nothin'. Whatever.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chris Christie|You wanna tell them that? They're outside. [Garrison is horrified.]}} {{ScriptScene|	[Campaign headquarters, outside. a crowd of people wait to hear from Garrison. He cracks the door open and looks out]}} {{ScriptDialog|Supporter 1|What's goin' on?!}} {{ScriptDialog|Supporter 2|What are ya doin?!}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|[steps outside] Oh, uh hey everybody. Uh, looks like we're tanking in the polls, but you know what? It's fixed. I was never gonna win in the first place. I knew it from the beginning. And on November 8th, when I lose, I'll be able to say "I told you so!" [grins. The crowd is not amused.]}} {{ScriptDialog|Supporter 2|This son of a bitch pulled a fast one on us!}} {{ScriptDialog|Supporter 3|	It's like he's not even trying!}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|Oh no, I'm I'm trying. I just-}} {{ScriptDialog|Supporter 2|	Get him!}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|Shiiit! [he runs off, and the crowd gives chase] Ohhh Jeeez! [people in the crowd come armed with shovels, pitchforks, bats, axes, knives, guns... One person even has a chainsaw he has trouble starting up.]}} {{ScriptDialog|Supporters|	Kill him! Tear his head off! Don't let him get away!}} {{ScriptDialog|Supporter 4|	[ginally gets that chainsaw going] Yeah haw!}} {{ScriptScene|[The Airport Hilton. A concierge walks the hallways, humming to himself, and stops by a private conference: "Rape Victims Anonymous"]}} {{ScriptDialog|Andrew|	[knocks on the door]}} {{ScriptDialog|Troll 3|	What do you want? Go away.}} {{ScriptDialog|Andrew|Hey, just checking to see if you needed any more refreshments for the conference room?}} {{ScriptDialog|Troll 3|We're fine. We don't need anything.}} {{ScriptDialog| A Troll|[within the room] Some more creamer?}} {{ScriptDialog|Troll 3|	Just some more creamer.}} {{ScriptDialog|Andrew|Alright, well, I just wanna say "thanks for choosing the-" [the troll shuts the door]}} {{ScriptDialog|Troll 3|	Okay, we're clear again.}} {{ScriptDialog|Dick|You were saying, Skankhunt?}} {{ScriptDialog|Gerald|	Alright, look. How do you troll somebody?}} {{ScriptDialog|Troll 4|Say really fucked up shit and make them quit social media?}} {{ScriptDialog|Gerald|No, no, no, it's not about one person. It's about pushing people's buttons so that they'll react in a way that pushes other people's buttons. Look, you don't just troll a woman with cancer to get a reaction from her, it's all about the group of people that are gonna come to her defense. They're gonna be so self-righteous that another group of people will eventually find those people totally annoying. You're just setting them against each other. It's like the fission reaction that sets off the fusion explosion. The Internet does it all, and you just sit back with your glass of wine and laugh.}} {{ScriptDialog|Troll 3|	Wow... that seems kind of... mean.}} {{ScriptDialog|Gerald|	It's not mean if it's hilarious.}} {{ScriptDialog|Dick|If we all worked with you, Skank, could we do it? Could we troll an entire country?}} {{ScriptDialog|Gerald|	If we all worked together? Maybe. [makes a fist with his left hand] Maybe.}} {{ScriptScene|[South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Nelson has a lesson on mammals on the board, but Heidi is talking to the class about something else.]}} {{ScriptDialog|Heidi|Hey guys. Today we're gonna start our school fundraiser. It's an idea I came up with called "Danishes for Denmark."}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|[almost whispering] It's awesome. You're doing awesome.}} {{ScriptDialog|Heidi|We need everyone to do their part, so later on in the cafeteria, we are all gonna need to- [the classroom door opens and Heidi looks to see who opened it. Mr. Garrison rushes in and gets to work immediately]}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|	[frantic] Okay children, let's take our seats! Let's uh, get back to our lessons on grammar, shall we?}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Mr. Garrison?}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|Okay, does anybody, uh, remember where we left off? No? Alright, uh, who can tell me what an adjective is? [to Mrs. Nelson] You can go now, I'm back. [to the class] Who can t-who can tell me what an adjective is?}} {{ScriptDialog|Token|Uh, aren't you running for President?}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|Adjectives usually come before what? They come before nouns, that's right.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chris Christie|[clears his throat] Mr. Garrison, you can't just act like nothing happened! You're spiraling out of control, and you have to answer to the people!}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|I don't know what you're talking about! I am a teacher! [back to the board] Okay, adjectives describe nouns, and there are several types of them-}} {{ScriptDialog|Chris Christie|	Mr. Garrison.}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|What are some examples of adjectives you can give me for this sentence? Anybody? [writes "Jack threw the ball." on the board.]}} {{ScriptDialog|Chris Christie|	You sold people a line, Mr. Garrison, and you have to make good on it!}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|The yellow ball. That's a good one. Or we can say "the slippery ball," can't we?}} {{ScriptDialog|Chris Christie|Come on. [his advisers come in.]}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|What else about the ball? No, please! [The advisers gather around him and carry him off] What else can we say about the ball, children? No, please! Leave me alone!}} {{ScriptDialog|Butters|The bouncy ball?}} {{ScriptDialog|Garrison|[grabs a chalk stick and scratches it against the blackboard] No! No, I'm not going back! Please! They're gonna kill me, children! Please! Help me, children! Help me! [Chris Christie shuts the door]}} {{ScriptScene|	[The Broflovski house, day. Gerald and Dick arrive and go inside. They carry with them keyboards, computers, cables...]}} {{ScriptDialog|Gerald|Okay, come on. Office is upstairs. [they run into Sheila] Oh, hi honey.}} {{ScriptDialog|Shelia|	Gerald, you're back from your convention?}} {{ScriptDialog|Gerald|Yeah, it went really well. This is uh, my IT guy. Gonna help me get my office computers set back up.}]}}

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