Gone Abie Gone

(school bell ringing)

(belches)

Announcer: And here they are, the Sofa Speedsters-- the Simpsons on Brown Lightning!

The Piggly Wiggums!

The Bumble Buggy!

The Greed Hornet!

Dr. Groom!

Glasgow-A-Go-Go!

Hick Dastardly... and the Franken-continental!

We'll be sitting pretty at the finish line!

(crashing)

(engine chugging)

(cackling)

Beat ya!

D'oh!

♪ The Simpsons 24x04 ♪ Gone Abie Gone Original Air Date on November 11, 2012

Pushy sign!

Don't tell me what to try!

Homer! Dr. Hibbert told you to eat healthier!

I don't recall that.

Well, I do.

Eat healthier!

You too, Julius!

I heard you were at Loretta's Diner on "Catfish Friday"!

How do you know that?

You got your brother following me?

Chester needs a job.

I paid him to build a shed!

Where is my shed, Bernice?

(hushed): One onion rings, please.

Can I borrow ten bucks from the cash register?

I've gotta get drunk before a party.

(stressed-out murmuring)

Excuse me.

A homeless man is giving himself a sink bath!

(stressed-out murmuring)

(kids yelling)

Karate class is here and hungry!

You got any scented candles?

(fryer beeping)

(Homer screams)

Ow! This is the worst pain imaginable!

This one's cold.

Mr. Simpson, your injury was no accidénte, it was... negligénce.

My burns have affected our...

(whispers): intimacy... because all night, I talk about how much money I'm going to make from the lawsuit.

Money? What I am concerned about is your burns.

(grunts skeptically)

They have healed much too quickly.

Sit still while I give your head the "third degree."

(screams) Oh, God!

It hurts worse than the burns!

Yes, these are special acid markers.

Homer Simpson, you shall receive $5,000 after legal fees.

Pay up, Krusty.

It wasn't even my place!

Man, I got a bad lawyer.

So, uh, what are you gonna do with the money, Homer?

Well, thought bubble Marge said we should put it in a college fund for Lisa.

So where's the money now?

I put it in the bank.

That place is great!

On their wall, they had a photo with an old couple walking on the beach with their pants rolled up.

Uh, Homer, we all wanna walk on a beach with our pants rolled up, but, uh, banks are not as safe as they used to be.

Yeah, when you give the bank your money, they lend it to other people!

I saw a Sesame Street about it!

Kermit was wearing his trench coat and everything.

Wait, the frog in the trench coat is Kermit, too?

All the frogs on that show are Kermit.

Keeps all the other frog actors out of work.

That settles it.

No banks for me.

I'll tell you where you should put your money.

The one safe place left in this world of woe: What the...?

I'm not gonna gamble with my daughter's future.

Nah, you don't have to bet the money.

The poker website just keeps it nice and safe, where the FDIC can't get its grubby little hands on it!

A poker site is now safer than an American bank.

Has our nation-- built on people suing because their onion rings were too hot-- come to this?

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Don't you badmouth this country.

Compared to the rest of the Third World, we're doin' great!

Open file, click and...

(cash register dings)

...invested!

Hey, Lisa, check out your college fund!

You put my college fund on a poker site?!

It's a classy operation.

See? The little dealer's wearing a bow tie-- cute!

Well...at least I have a college fund!

On a poker site!

More importantly, it's a college fund.

On a poker site!

Dad, please!

Sorry. Check out my new T-shirt.

(sighs) Where did you get that shirt?

I've had it for a long time.

I was just about to throw it out, and then this happened.

Mwah!

(rattling)

That's one way to avoid drunk driving.

Another way is don't drink.

I'm not Superman.

Homie, do you know what yesterday was?

Ha! Of course I do!

Happy anni... birth... entine...

Shark week?

Yesterday's the day we were supposed to visit Grampa!

What the...?!

Stupid calendar.

First you put the Fourth of July on Sunday, and now this!

Oh, we're gonna discuss this later!

Okay, remember the plan: Apologize to Grampa.

Then when he wants us to take him out to lunch, point to the leftovers, tell him we already did, but he forgot.

I still feel guilty.

Your father's not going to be around forever.

Marge, you take that back!

Fine, he'll be around forever.

You take that back!

(sighs)

(sighs)

We're here to see Abe Simpson.

Abe Simpson?!

Uh, excuse me.

(curious grunting)

I'm very sorry to tell you your father... is missing.

Missing?! What kind of a prison are you people running here?

If it's any consolation, we'll probably find him when the river thaws in the spring.

A lot of bobbers then.

There's gotta be a clue in here somewhere.

Spats, sock garters, the world's hardest hard candy...

Oh, it's hopeless!

This room is like a museum of meaningless old crap.

By which I mean every museum.

Grampa's army footlocker!

I bet the most important things in the world to him are in this box!

So precious...

Look at that, a man's whole life being kicked around on the floor.

Marge: "Spiro's...

The place that changed my life..."

Flimsy lead, take me away!

Okay, baby, let's see the flop.

Damn it! Lost again.

(trilling, blipping)

(cash register rings)

(gasps)

Are you playing poker with my college fund?

I'm only down $62.

Not counting my tips to the waitresses.

Get your hands off my future!

Fine, fine.

New low, even for this family.

College fund on a poker site.

I'm just gonna log right out.

Hm.

Get out of here!

Huh. Two queens.

That's a great start.

Well, maybe I can just win the $62 back.

(beeping)

Four queens! Yes! Yes...!

Gambling, eh?

Satan's most potent recruiting tool!

All due respect, Mr. Flanders, could I have a little privacy?

Please?

Thank you.

(cash register rings, game trills)

Yeah! $50 up! (laughs)

Time to play with house money!

Or time to walk away from the table.

Shoo!

How did he...?

Can't let Lisa lose her sense of wonder. (grunts)

(dogs growling)

(both whimpering)

(patrons murmuring, laughing)

Excuse me, have you seen this man?

We don't like questions, man.

Yeah, but I'm just trying to get information, like a nosey reporter or an undercover cop.

What'd he say about a cop?

Or a spy from a rival gang?

Hey, what are you doing?

(screaming)

(Homer gibbering)

Abe Simpson... used to work here.

Put him down!

Ow!

(sneezes)

Welcome to Spiro's!

I am Spiro.

Not the Spiro on the sign.

That's my brother.

Did you say my dad worked here?

Yes, in the old days.

When people ate steak, drank champagne, and the music... oh, the music!

I hated the music!

(swinging be-bop playing)

Hmm...

Simpson! I pay you to clean tables, not to write songs.

And you, Marvin Hamlisch, I pay you to write songs, not to clean tables!

What can I say?

I like to pitch in.

(Spiro speaking Greek)

(plays light melody)

♪ My heart does the two-step ♪ ♪ When you waltz in the place ♪

Homer: Wait a minute!

My dad was an aspiring songwriter like Charles Manson?

I never knew that.

You know who would sound good singing that song?

Me.

Rita Lafleur singing one of my tunes?!

Can a 35-year-old busboy's life get any better?

♪ My heart does the two-step ♪ ♪ When you waltz in the place ♪ ♪ Yeah, my ticker beats quicker ♪ ♪ When I look at your face ♪ ♪ Yeah, you'd better call the doctor before we embrace... ♪

Busboy, that breadbasket napkin's so opened up, you can see everything!

Disgusting!

You're fired!

Hey, you can't do that!

I just turned sweet on him!

Yeah!

Be sweet on him in your own sweet time!

Why did I ever leave Greece?

Oh, that's right, 'cause it's a train wreck.

I never saw either of them again.

If you find your Dad, tell him sorry from Spiro Papadapaconstanti- kasgianopolop odopotopolis.

Got it.

Papadapaconstanti-kasgianopolop odopotopolis.

Now, what was that singer's name again?

Rita Lafleur.

Rita La-what?

Lafleur.

One more time.

Ugh! I'll write it down for you.

Thank you Mr. Papadapaconstanti- kasgianopolop odopotopolis.

(gasps)

There's exactly one Rita Lafleur living in Springfield!

That's where we live!

Hello?

Rita Lafleur?

Did you know a man named Abe Simpson?

Know him?

I'm married to him.

(gasps)

Homer, she's married to your dad!

Whoo-hoo!

I get two Christmases!

I've read every expert on poker, and watched Jennifer Tilly's DVD.

Start with your senses Marnie.

Use the little girl voice, and take them for everything they've got.

Now, I'm need on the set of Bride of Chucky V.

Time is money.

Money is money.

And money is college, which can lead to more money someday, but who knows anymore.

Tim, what are you doing?

Bible trivia.

You've been doing that an awful lot lately.

The Bible is rich with trivia!

I can't believe my Dad never told me he had another wife.

The man I looked up to my whole life.

You never looked up to him.

Well, it's a good thing I didn't because I'd be pretty devastated right now.

I can't believe you're here.

I'd finally gotten over your father just a week-and-a-half ago, and then you two show up.

Well, we certainly don't want to cause you any more pain.

But we need to know everything, no matter how shameful.

And fast!

I understand, but this is hard.

Yeah.

Well, just what attracted you to my father?

Beneath his mediocrity there was genius.

Then a layer of anger.

Then a beautiful soul.

Then some more anger!

A lot of layers.

(scat singing)

(song ends)

(sighs) After we were fired from Spiro's, we teamed up... for more than music.

Oh, Abe! (moaning)

Yeah!

Marge: Mm, that kind of romance leads to children.

Rita: Faster than you'd think.

I was alive when my Dad knew you?

Alive, but very clueless.

So this was after

Homer's mother left?

I love men on the rebound.

They always think they've done something wrong and they usually come with furniture.

My Dad had furniture?!

I don't know him at all!

Rita: One day, when we were walking through Proposal Park, Abe popped the question.

We got married in the city hall, across from the prettiest church you ever seen.

Then tragedy struck.

(yelling, screaming)

(screaming continues)

(tires screech, thud)

Homer:Hey, I'm starting to remember why I don't remember so much.

We celebrated in your hospital room.

Our first night together as a family.

We didn't know it would be our last.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Abe! They want to book us on a European tour!

That's fine, doll.

Real fine.

Why, we'll...

(electricity crackling, Homer yelling)

(electrical buzzing)

You know, Europe's no place for a six-year-old.

He can handle 110 volt, but 220 would kill him.

But making music is my dream, Abe.

Our dream.

I know, Sugar Tomato, but I'm all the family this boy's got.

If I don't take care of him now, he'll forget the day he's supposed to come and see me when I'm old.

Are you okay, Daddy?

Well of course I'm okay!

I'm with you!

Good-bye, Rita.

This is why "life" comes before "love" in the dictionary.

(sniffles)

Aw, thanks, son.

Now to make sure neither of us ever remember this.

(sniffling): Oh, my God.

I never knew the sacrifices my father made.

Move over, Fonzie.

I've got a new hero.

I never saw Abe again.

But I thought you still loved him.

Life isn't all major chords.

Sometimes you gotta hit the minor keys.

What does that mean?

I got super-addicted to heroin.

(sighing)

(snoring): Yeah.

Okay, education paid for, with a gap year to find myself.

Every nerve in my body is screaming "Cash out now," and yet... (giggles) I've got a pair of aces!

Ha! Full house! Aces over threes!

Take that, Rich Texan 001, and Sideshow Bob @ Springfield Penitentiary-- Hah!

I'm going all in!

Aw, doggone it!

I give up!

It's like Kenny Rogers' most famous line: "This is a bad piece of chicken."

He didn't fold?

But that's insane unless he has...

(gasps)

Four threes?!

Oh, no!

No-no-no-no-no, no!

(trilling)

(cash register dings)

(buzzing)

I've lost, I've lost everything.

(sobbing, muttering)

We can all hear you.

Please log off.

(sobbing)

Aw, come on, Lise.

No gambling story has a happy ending except Seabiscuit.

But you never hear about the ruined lives of the people who bet against him.

(sobbing): Oh, God...

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me!

I was lvy! Strong lvy!

(sobs)

Oh, man, this is priceless, but I can't keep it up.

You've still got a college fund.

What are you talking about?

I'm Sideshow Bob!

I've been using his avatar to play poker and trash his favorite restaurants on Yelp.

And I saved your vegetarian bacon.

Oh, my God!

You won the pot?

You must have nearly a million dollars!

I can go to college and live like a Kennedy!

Listen, after I won, the website found out we were both under 18, so we're back to the original $5,000.

Shame! Shame!

Did you give the money back to the people who lost it?

Good-bye.

Well, back to square one is a major victory in this house, but why did you help me?

Come on! Tell me!

Because I actually like you and felt sorry for you.

What?! You did?

Forget I said anything!

Sure. I have the ending for my memoir!

I'm sorry I couldn't help you find your father.

If you find him, tell him I can still do this.

Yeah.

Holy moley.

And tell him to put on a splash of this.

That's Dad's cologne?

I always thought it was his old-man stink.

When I knew him, it was young-man musk.

Man, you're making me hot for my Dad.

Only place in town that still sells Chicory Mist.

After people found out it's 98% squirrel sweat, they sorta stopped buying.

Listen, do you know this man?

Let me ask around.

Abe, you seen this guy?

Oh, I know him.

He's a man who has no son!

Dad!

Abe, we were so worried!

Dad, promise me you'll never wander off and make us explore your fascinating past again.

I didn't wander off, ya big fat salami!

I ran away!

What?!

You think I'm boring, and you never visit me, and I got sick of waitin' for ya!

So I got a job and found a new dump to live in and I didn't tell you about it, so at least that way I know you're not coming!

Grampa, we will never miss a visit again.

And there'll be a lot more of them.

And I don't think you're boring.

It's just that in today's multichannel environment, you have too many great choices.

Look at Sunday night.

There's, like, eight amazing shows.

None of them on Fox.

Well... when you put it that way, all right.

I can't say all is forgiven, but most is forgotten.

Aw...

(sighs)

I guess my honky-tonkin' days are over.

(melody playing on piano in distance)

What the...?!

Someone's playin' my tune!

Don't take Grampa's meds.

I'm payin' for 'em.

(piano playing)

Hey, Abe.

Good to see you again.

Rita!

You look dynamite!

And you look like you could use a good ironing, but I still love you.

Take a seat. Yeah.

♪ My heart does the two-step when you waltz in the place ♪ ♪ Yeah, my ticker beats quicker when I look at your face ♪ ♪ Yeah, you'd better call the doctor before we embrace! ♪

(both snore)

Yeah...

Homer: That's how wolves die in the wild.