The Clean Room Infiltration


 * (The opening apartment scene with the gang having dinner)
 * Penny: Hey, how are things going with your parents?
 * Raj: Not great. They hired divorce attorneys.
 * Sheldon: You know, speaking of attorneys, if I ever needed a lawyer, I would not hire She-Hulk.
 * Penny: (happy but mad) You know what? That was almost on topic. I’m gonna say good job, Sheldon.
 * Amy: Wait, She-Hulk’s a lawyer?
 * Howard: Yeah, she works at a law firm in New York.
 * Sheldon: Yes, but she’s the only monster at the firm. Between you, me and the wall, I think she’s an affirmative action hire.
 * Raj: Anyway, Dad’s gonna be here in town, so I won’t be able to do Christmas dinner this year.
 * Amy: If you’re not up to hosting Christmas dinner, I’m happy to do it. You can even bring your father.
 * Raj: (proud) That would be nice.
 * Amy: I’ve always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas. Parlour games, goose and figgy pudding.
 * Sheldon: (disgusted by this) Ugh. English pudding. You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I’m not going.
 * Amy: You’re going.
 * Sheldon: Why do you hate me?
 * Amy: I don’t hate you. I love you.
 * Sheldon: (lovingly) Well, you call it love, but it has a lot of raisins in it.
 * Raj: Amy, good luck getting these guys excited about a dinner with a theme. I gave up when no one cared about my Tom Hanks-giving.
 * Bernadette: (excited) I think a Victorian Christmas sounds nice.
 * Howard: I agree.
 * Leonard: Why not?
 * Penny: Me, too.
 * Raj: (shocked) You guys suck.
 * (The 'Howardette' couple, Leonard and the 'Shamy' duo ignore Raj's comment. Opening theme begins).


 * Leonard: Can you believe there was a time when we would have needed an array of the giant Cherenkov telescopes to detect cosmic particles? And here we are building are own multi-wire detector like a couple of bad asses.
 * Howard: Yeah. If we were still single, we'd be trippin' over that booty.


 * Penny: So, Dr. Koothrappali. Long flight?
 * Dr. Koothrappali: 20 hours.
 * Penny: Oh, that's rough.
 * Dr. Koothrappali: Not at all. Did you know when you fly transcontinental without your wife, you don’t pray for the plane to crash?


 * (The scene of Bernadette's car)
 * Bernadette: (singing) Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane. (pan to a grumpy Sheldon sitting next to her) Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer pulling on the reins.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, I appreciate the ride.
 * Bernadette: (singing): Bells are ringing, children singing, all is merry and bright. (close-up of Sheldon's 'I'm turning it off' expression) So hang your stockings and (back to Bernadette singing for the final time) say your prayers ’cause Santa Claus (The music is now turned off) is coming tonight. (she now asks Sheldon crossly) Why’d you turn it off?
 * Sheldon: Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer.
 * (Bernadette suddenly reacts crossly at Sheldon's remark)
 * Sheldon: I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him.
 * Bernadette: (smiling crossly at this) Maybe you’d like it more if you thought of Santa as a superhero and his power is bringing joy to children.
 * Sheldon: My uncle was accused of that, too.
 * (Bernadette frowns for a bit)
 * Sheldon: It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.
 * Bernadette: Okay, new subject. Let’s talk about presents. What did you get Amy?
 * Sheldon: Oh, we’re not exchanging gifts.
 * Bernadette: (crossly) Come on Sheldon, you have to get her something.
 * Sheldon: Why should I? She knows I don’t like Christmas and yet every year see forces me to celebrate it. Not am I going to this foolish dinner against my will. At the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show.
 * Bernadette: (through her mad smile) She’s just excited about the holidays.
 * Sheldon: Yes and she’s not taking my feelings into account at all. Maybe it’s time I teach her a lesson.
 * Bernadette: (puzzled) How?
 * Sheldon: Hmm. (thinks) I’d have to do something heinous; something that makes her as miserable as she is making me. Oh, I've got it. This is good.
 * Bernadette: (with a shifty smile) What?
 * Sheldon: I’m going to buy her a present.
 * Bernadette: (happy and cross) Yeah, you’re gonna have to walk me through that.
 * Sheldon: With gift giving, there’s an implied social contract. If I show up tonight with a present and she doesn't have one for me she’ll feel terrible.
 * Bernadette: (now slightly too cross) Then you’re both sad?
 * Sheldon: Yes. Maybe she’ll feel so guilty she’ll never make me celebrate the holidays again.
 * Bernadette: (asks Sheldon crossly for the last time) So your evil plot is to buy your girlfriend a present?
 * Sheldon: That’s right. So stay on my good side or I’ll get you a little something too.
 * (Bernadette continues to drive and smile crossly while she is ignoring Sheldon)


 * Howard: Why do you keep assuming it was me?
 * Leonard: Because you do this kind of thing all the time and then you try to cover it up.
 * Howard: Like when?
 * Leonard: Ack! What about when you flipped the Mars Rover, or lost Koothrappali’s dog, or almost drove off with that baby?
 * Howard: (annoyed) Again, it looked like my car, and the baby didn't even cry until his mother punched me with her keys!


 * Santa: All right, let me see if I got this straight. A picture of you on my lap is a way to punish your girlfriend for making you celebrate Christmas?
 * Sheldon: Correct.
 * Santa: Santa thinks dating you is punishment enough.
 * Sheldon: There's an argument for that, but I want to make sure.


 * (The scene of Bernadette and Sheldon at the shopping mall)
 * Bernadette: What about that sweater?
 * Sheldon: No, it’s not good enough. It has to be perfect.
 * Bernadette: (informs him crossly) I think the nicest gifts I’ve got from Howie show how well he knows me.
 * Sheldon: Hmm. Let’s see, what do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature, Chaucer’s her favourite. And her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she’s playing along.
 * Bernadette: (with a low smile) Wow, you really do love her.
 * Sheldon: I do. Now, let’s find the kind of gift that makes her feel small and worthless.
 * (Sheldon now walks out of view)


 * [The dinner scene at Amy's apartment]
 * Raj: Hmm, Amy, that pudding was delicious.
 * Sheldon: If you liked raisins
 * Amy: Thank you, [turns to Sheldon] and it’s figs.
 * Sheldon: Oh, well in that case it was pretty good.
 * Bernadette: [very worried with Howard] You feeling okay? You hardly touched your goose.
 * Howard: It smelled too much like blue jay.
 * Dr. Koothrappali: Can I help you clean up?
 * Amy: Oh, you heimliched a ball of wool out of me; you’re good.
 * Sheldon: Um, what do you say we exchange gifts?
 * Penny: Oh, Sheldon we didn't bring any.
 * Leonard: I thought you hate giving gifts.
 * Sheldon: Yeah, I do. Which is why I got Amy this. [gives her a gift bag]
 * Amy: You got me something?
 * Sheldon: Oh, not just something, no. It’s from the heart, it’s holiday themed and I swallowed the gift receipt so you cannot return it.
 * Amy: Look at you in Santa’s lap. That’s so sweet.
 * Sheldon: Of course it is. It’s the perfect gift. How are you feeling right now? Guilty? Sad? Wishing you were Jewish?
 * [Howard looks confused]
 * Amy: No. I love it.
 * Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, how about now? [presses the button, and a recording plays]
 * Recording in Sheldon's voice: Happy holidays to my dear Amy. I hope you treasure this as much as I treasure you.
 * [Amy smiles emotionally]
 * Sheldon: And you got me nothing. [Amy's smile diminishes] Christmas is ruined; let’s never speak of this again! Well, this was fun.
 * Amy: Actually, I did get you something.
 * Sheldon: But what about our agreement?
 * Amy: Well you got me something. Here. [gives him a box]
 * Sheldon: [opens the box, and sees some cookies in it] Cookies?
 * Amy: They're your Meemaw’s Christmas cookies. I called and got the recipe.
 * Sheldon: [Takes a bite] They’re perfect. It tastes like her hugs.
 * Amy: Merry Christmas, Sheldon.
 * Sheldon: I can’t believe this. You’re happy. I’m happy. Well, maybe a holiday that’s all about giving isn't so… [Raj reaches for a cookie, but Sheldon slaps his hand away] Get your hand out of that box!


 * Amy: Okay. The next game is called: Hot Boiled Beans.
 * Penny: (annoyedly) Of course, it is. (sips some wine)
 * Amy: One person is sent out of the room while the others hide a small item. Then they invite the first person back by saying (in Cockney accent) "Hot boiled beans and bacon for supper, hurry up before it's cold".
 * Raj: If you people think this is better than Tom Hanks-giving, you're all crazy.