G.I. No

[Duke has all the G.I. Joe team assembled in his office.]

Duke: (holding a document in his hand) Gather 'round, Joes. Our orders just came through.

Gung-Ho: What's COBRA up to this time, Duke?

Duke: (reads the document) No, not COBRA. Apparently, we're being deployed to Af-ghany-stan. Hmm? OK. Yo Joe?

Group: (pumps their fists in unison) Yo Joe!!!

Duke: Who want's to jump on Google and find out what a taliban is? (the rest of the Joes murmur)

[Scene shifts to Afghanistan, where the Joes are unloading all of their equipment and pets from their cargo plane as Duke talks to the Colonel of the armed forces.]

Colonel: I was concerned about your colorful unit training my men, Duke, until I heard about your experience with ruthless terrorist organizations.

Duke: Well, you can count on G.I. Joe to keep you a low profile, Colonel. Now, if you could just point me toward the local Pet Co. Seems the flight didn't agree with our exotic birds.

[Mutt is seen being attacked by Polly, Freedom, and Junkyard.]

Mutt: Ouh! Oh, Polly! Watch the eyes! Argh! Ow, ow! (the Colonel and another soldier look at each other)

[Scene shifts to Shipwreck teaching some of the soldiers how to go undercover.]

Shipwreck: (putting on a long coat and a turban) You simply knock out an enemy, throw on his clothes, and "Ahoy Matey", you're undercover. Questions anyone? Estevez?

Hammond: I'm not Estevez, sir. I'm Hammond.

Shipwreck: Oh, of course. Sorry. I meant you, Estevez.

Sanderson: I'm Sanderson, sir.

Shipwreck: It's so hard to tell you guys apart with your matching uniforms. Where's Estevez?

[A beat]

Soldier: There is no Estevez.

[Scene shifts to Spearhead observing the soldiers at the firing range, as one soldier shoots at a target in the stomach and then the head.]

Spearhead: Son, you shoot like that in the field, and your enemy could end up dead. The idea is to herd them back to the enemy line, safe and sound. (takes the soldier's rifle) Hey, this laser rifle's loaded with bullets. Tch, amateur hour, guys.

[Scene shifts to inside one of the tents where Duke, the Colonel, and two soldiers are reading a map and planning their next move.]

Colonel: Intel is suggesting the insurgents are massing here, here, and here.

Duke: 'Scuse me, Colonel, but shouldn't we be more concerned with the enemy's Weather Dominator? It's about a million degrees outside.

Colonel: It's the desert.

Duke: Well, then, some other kind of dominator -- a Sand Dominator, maybe. I don't know. Just spitballin' here.

Soldier: (peeks his head into the tent) Sir, the insurgents are moving.

Colonel: All right, send out a division.

Duke: Y-o-o-o-o J-o-o-o-e! (loses steam when nobody else joins in)

Colonel: (sighs) Send out a division to...

[Scene shifts to a helicopter flying, as Duke is briefing the soldiers aboard.]

Duke: All right, this is it. Remember, keep your heads, and everything will be just - (one of the soldiers is gunned down by the Taliban) They're shooting at us! Oh my God, they're actually shooting at us! (throws two soldiers out of the helicopter) Out of the chopper! Get out of the chopper!

[As the two soldiers hit the ground and hurt themselves, the helicopter lands as the insurgents open fire on it.]

Soldier: Move, move, move!

''[The soldiers exit the helicopter, take cover, and return fire. Frostbite, Snow Job, and Iceberg are all struggling to keep their balance while wearing ski's on the sand.]''

Snow Job: Does anyone else feel like a dumbass right now? (all three arctic troopers are gunned down mercilessly)

Lady Jaye: Yo Joe! (fires a huge net at a lone insurgent, who still shoots Lady Jaye anyway) Oh no!

[Shipwreck and two soldiers have just stripped three insurgents and are now wearing their clothes.]

Shipwreck: Great job, team. Those insurgents won't know what hit them. (they get shot down by three of their own soldiers)

Soldier: Great job, team. Those insurgents didn't know what hit them.

[Spearhead watches on as the soldiers try to make a suicide bomber retreat by shooting the ground, as he runs over a couple of hills.]

Spearhead: All right troops, you got them, now herd him, herd him back to the line. Good job, team. He'll be turning tail any second... (gets blown up by the suicide bomber as the soldiers run off)

[Duke is taking cover behind one of the buildings as Thunder and Spirit are mercilessly killed by the insurgents, Barbecue crashes his motorcycle, and Spearhead crawls for his life.]

Duke: Oh, it's a fucking meat grinder! Who will protect the world from Cobra after we've yo'd our last Joe?

[Scene shifts to COBRA Headquarters, as COBRA Commander, The Baroness, Destro, and Major Bludd watch the carnage unfold.]

COBRA Commander: (laughs) Look at those fools. I knew the Joes couldn't handle the rigors of actual combat. (gunfire and yelling can be heard outside the room) What the fuck was that?

[SEAL Team 6 burst into the room and open fire, killing Destro and Bludd.]

SEAL Team 6 Commander: Move! We're in there! Go, go, go, go, go!

COBRA Commander: What the fuck?! (pushes the Baroness into the line of fire) Bitch, protect your commander! (the Baroness also gets peppered with bullets, killing her) You win this day, SEAL Team 6. But next time... (gets shot square in the head)

SEAL Team 6 Commander: Good job, every -- (the Commander farts) Good job. (the Commander farts again) Good -- (the Commander farts one last time) Good job, everyone.