Stan Knows Best

- Firing pin. - Hammer. - Easy game. Name the gun part. - Breech bolt. - Muzzle. - Point for Steve. Good one. - Breech bolt. - Steve guessed it. - Yeah, what are you, an idiot? - Say that in mein bowl. l dare you. Wow, Hayley, some dye job. The carpet match the curtains? - What did you do? - l dyed it at a Green Party rally. You missed family game night for that? Wash it out. You look like a slutty wad of money. - No way. - Yes, way. She started it. - lt's my hair. l'm keeping it. - What's wrong with that girl? Do l have to smell of BO and hump a redwood to get through to her? Stan, l'm sure this green hair thing is a phase. l bet by tomorrow she'll already be over it. Something tells me you're right. Sandman's a-calling. Shh. That's right. That's right. Big Foot's baking sugar cookies and Santa wants to take you to the Oscars. - How's your French toast? - Smelly and ungrateful. But this American toast is delicious. Well, Sleeping Beauty's finally up. Nice dome. You're almost as ugly as Roger. l'm not ugly. Am l? - How dare you. - How dare l? How dare l? l was at the shooting range and left in my earplugs. Did you say How dare l? - Mom. - Stan, how could you? How could l? How could l? Sorry. Backup pair. lt's OK, honey. You don't look like a giant penis. How can l go to school with no hair? - Already got you covered. - Wigs? Notjust any wigs. These are styled after our most revered Republican first ladies. The Barbara Bush. The Nancy Reagan. The Maria Shriver. - Stay tuned. - Those are terrible. Most girls have to go through chemo to get a wig this nice. Do me a favour. Stay out of my life. How do l look now, Steve? Pretty enough for you? Forget it. Turn down that rap music. lt's a bad influence. l swear, yo, shorty be leaning on my last nerve. What do you expect? You shaved her head in her sleep. And putting her hand in that bowl of warm water, that was just overkill. l wanted to see if it works. lt totally does. - Finally. - Mom, is my wig straight? Perfect. What is that? Horsehair? - Jeff's here. Later. - Who's Jeff? My boyfriend. Don't wait up. How can she be old enough to have a boyfriend? She still wets her bed. Stan, you're so stressed. You want me to make you happy with my mouth? Yeah, l guess so. - That helps a little. - Maybe you'd feel better if we met this boy. Why don't we have him over for dinner? That's brilliant, Francine. Now rephrase it so it sounds like my idea. Man, that dance is gonna be a rager. Yeah. lt's too bad we can't get dates. What? Fellas, girls wanna get down just as bad as we do. Here, here, watch. Hey, foxy. - You got something to say, Barry? - Easy, Steve. We're just not studs. Geeks don't get the choice babes until we're making cash in our mid-to-late 30s. You know what? Not only am l going to that dance, but l'll bet each of you 20 bucks l also get boob. - Bring back the bra to prove it? - l'll do you one better. l'll wear it back. No, actually, l'll just bring it. My surfboard nails me in the head and l go down like a bag of rocks. And just then my life flashes before my eyes, and l'm bored. He's bored. You took us the other way with it, Jeff. Thank you. l just hope one day l too have a daughter who's as smart and wonderful as Hayley. lsn't he sweet, Stan? He sure is. Next time l'm out of Jolly Ranchers l'm just gonna suck on Jeff. Jeff, you were so good at dinner. Babe, we're good together. Which is why l was thinking you should move in with me. lt's only been three weeks. l don't think my dad would be too happy. Babe, your dad digs me. l can tell he wants us to be together. Great. Now it's officially a sausage-fest. See you tomorrow, fellas. Hey, Sanchez, try to get to work on time for a change. No fair. Don't make me come up there. Yeah? Yeah, you better fly. What a bunch of clowns. There. Now you can talk and we took care of that moustache. - Are you insane? You can'tjust abduct me. - Don't you use that word in this house. l liberated you. Maybe now you'll think twice before dating the wrong guy. - There's nothing wrong with Jeff. - l forbid you to see him. - Stan, l'm not sure we - Francine, wait in the car. This is for your own good. Jeff was much too relaxed at dinner. - He had the laid-back attitude of a stone man. - You mean a stoner? - Go wait in the car. - You can't do this. l'm 18. While you're under my roof, you'll live by my rules. Dude, this is your house. And you're alive. Guess what? l don't have to listen to your rules any more. - l'm moving in with Jeff. - What? - Right on, babe. - Hayley, don't go. You get back here, Hayley. No? l didn't want to have to use this. - Rhubarb. - Rhubarb? Her trigger word. l had her brainwashed at five. She's supposed to kill Walter Mondale, but l guess it didn't take. - Come on, let's go to your place. - This is my place. - What? You live in your van? - No. We live in our van. My mom had me right where you're sitting. How could you not tell me you live in your van? Babe, we did it, we took the plunge. Come celebrate on the patio. Can we get out of here? l gotta get away from my parents. This van is our pen and the road is our parchment, and together we'll drive a poem across America. Yup, this is the spot. We are right where we need to be. l gotta use the can. Stan. l can't believe our little girl moved out. Francine, you are gonna love this. Jeff - you know Jeff - Jeff lives in this van and the piece ofjunk just broke down right outside. - She's not going anywhere. - Stan, are you sure she's At least the last time you ran away you made it all the way to the stop sign. That's funny. l'm funny. - Don't egg her on. She'll never come back. - She hates it in there. By morning she'll be back wearing footsie pyjamas, sucking on her Lion King blankie. - But she got rid of those things years ago. - Not in here she didn't. Stan. Our little girl is back. - l didn't order rude service. - Roger, why aren't you in the attic? lt's so cold and draughty. Which is great for a Michelob, but l gotta sleep there. That's good. That's not too bright. That's fine. Stan, she's still out there. What is she squatting over? Hayley, that's not how you make coffee. - ls Roger moving into Hayley's room? - No, he is not. Fine. l'll go up to the attic. l'm supposed to bring pneumonia back to my planet anyway. Stan, l want my baby girl home. Just go down there and apologise. No. No apologies. George W taught me that. l just have to remind her how great life is at home. Keep tonight open. Marco and Sky are having a wine-and-cheese thing in their Tercel. Hi, Hayley. Got you a clown and a petting zoo. Sure you don't wanna move back in? Maybe the clown will ride the pig. Man, we're having fun. - How long do l have you? - Two hours. Go read to my wife. - How's the bra hunt coming? - Making progress. A girl just groped me with her foot. What the heck? Since when does Frankle reel in the babes? He's got the sympathy factor. His brother got his arm stuck in a ski lift. Tore it right off. - Boy, that sucks. - Not for Frankle. Sure, girls. l'll judge your kissing contest. - Good news, Francine. - Hayley's back? - Even better. Say hello to your new daughter. - What? - lsn't she beautiful? - ls that a Chinese baby? - Sure is. Japanese, to be specific. - Stan. l don't want a new daughter. Don't you get it? l want my Hayley. One of us pooped. Hayley, what happened? You used to be so easy. - Eat your peas. - Why? So you're strong enough to fight off Clinton's sexual advances. There he is, right outside. Hey, did you hear? Sanders just killed his first dictator. Well, first he was a US ally then a dictator. Yeah, a dictator. l mean, it's good, l'm happy. We gotta celebrate. How about drinks at the place with the buffet? - Great. - So, Stan, did Hayley move back in? No. Francine is devastated. lf she's this upset now, what'll she be like when Hayley dies? Have you talked to Hayley? Let her know you want her home? Absolutely not. l could never grovel to my own daughter. But l think l know someone who could. - Paper or plastic? - Burlap. l too share your annoying concern for the environment. - Dad? - No. l am former communist named Petrov. l too embrace insane left-wing philosophies which are best discussed in parents' home. - Dad, leave me alone. - l've had enough. You're coming home or else. - Or else what? - That'll be 38. 40. Or else you can't use this. We gave you this card and l can damn well take it back. - Fine. l don't need your money. - Good, cos l'm cutting you off. - Petrov, go restock that stuff. - Can't Susan do it? l on break in, like, two minutes. - Thanks for tutoring me. - Did you hear about Frankle's brother's arm? Yeah. Poor Frankle. l just wanted to hug him and never let go. Yeah, yeah. l remember when my sister had her accident. Did l not mention my sister, who was horrifically burned over 98% of her body? - That's terrible. - Only her taint survived. OK, it's on. You pull this off and l'll convince my parents to let you sleep in here. l've been studying. l even watched that Meg Ryan movie where she plays that burn victim. - She never played a burn victim. - Meg, honey. Kim, meet my sister Hayley. Time for your burn cream. l hope l don't cry like last time. - What happened? - l was dating a pool guy. He thought it would be kinky to give each other chlorine massages. l went first. - That's cooling. - How awful. - l know. l'm hideous. - You are so not hideous. - Don't tease me. - No, really. lt's your eyes and the unique shape of your head. l think you're beautiful. And Steve's been a super little brother - freezing my Snickers, sticking me in the shade outside. - Steve, that is so sweet. - l know. Wanna go to the dance? - l'd love to. - Great. Well, see you, Hayley. l am beautiful. Saw my tushie. lmpressive. A lesbian of colour couldn't have done a betterjob. l'd give it an A. lf you had paid your tuition. What? But l'm paid up for the semester. Dad. There are no free rides here. - You have three days to pay your tuition. - A semester's tuition? How am l supposed to come up with 85 bucks in three days? Welcome to House of Hoagies. Can l get you a sandwich with nothing on it? - Bring me a beer. - l just brought you one. Yeah, this one's to drown my crabs. Don't worry, doll. lt gets easier. At least l'm not being exploited like these poor strippers. - Sweetie, these girls are being empowered. - Yeah, right. Think about it. They show their breasts, and men hand over hundreds of their hard-earned dollars. Who's really being exploited here? To quote Camille Paglia, they are sexual conquerors, controlling the channel between nature and culture. Take it off, bitch. Camille Paglia? - Everything work out with Hayley? - No, l had to cut her off like a diseased hand. Like any diseased hand, she'll soon come flopping back. - They always do. - l got her right where l want her. All right, gentlemen. Let's welcome to the stage, Dusty. My God. What is she doing? Pretending to ride a horse. lf you wanna see a real horse you gotta go to the track. We're all leaving. The girls here are vugly. We can't leave, we just got here. Somebody pulled the alarm. You know what that means. Dusty, you're on fire, and that's a double dance for you. - How could you let Hayley do this? - What? Don't play dumb. She's stripping. Showing people her Ho Hos, her Ding Dongs, her Suzy Q's, her God, what are those called, the little pink with coconut? They're really good. - Snowballs? - You bastard. - l didn't know she was stripping. - Don't lie to me. For real. She said she was out torching SUVs. - l'd never be cool with stripping. - Really? Yeah. l've dated three strippers and two of them turned up dead. The cops always go to the boyfriend with the van. That's profiling, and that's wrong. That's the price you pay for the sweet pleasure of van ownership. Let's go. Kim. You look great. But the dance isn't for two hours. Yeah, but l gotta be up early for church camp, so l thought we'd fool around beforehand. Thank you, Jesus. Wait. Can l say hi to your charred sister first? l was thinking some mascara. You know, to draw focus to my eyes. You know, some blush would really bring out your cheekbones. l love that idea. Paint me, paint me. Yeah. Who's your daddy? - l am. - Dad. Blow up many 4Runners today or did you 4get? - Jeff, l'll do the talking. - Let me go. - Hey, she's not going anywhere. - Yeah? Who's gonna stop me? l see. Well, l don't want any trouble. l'll just be on my merry little way. Hey, Bo Peep, l know where you can find your sheep. ln hell. Hayley, are you in there? l brought some fresh laundry and rinsed out your tinkle can. Hello? Hayley's working at a booby bar? And she traded shifts with Tina? What does Tina have to do that's so important? Wait. This isn't about Tina. This isn't about Tina. lt's never been about Tina. Kim, we are running out of time if we're gonna, you know, get busy. Here l come. You look gorgeous. Doesn't she look gorgeous? Stunning. Can l talk to you, sis? Cut it out. l should be touching her na-nas now. All you had to do was sit and be ugly. - l am not ugly. - Steve. That's not what l said. Tell her. Or maybe you don't want this room any more. He wants to lock me in the attic like l'm some kind of disgusting monster. - You are. - Shut up. You shut up. l never want to see you again, Steve. Roger, l thought we had a deal. Rouge can make a fella do crazy things, Steve. - Sorry l ruined your plan. - Sorry l called you ugly. Well, l guess l'll go let the guys know l'm a loser after all. Steve, wait. Kimmy loaned this to me. Roger, you are beautiful. Way to go, Mr S. You're so hot. l remember now. l was gonna be a civil engineer. What are you gonna do? Tickle me to death? - You're coming home. - l don't have to listen to you. Stop. Just stop right there. We've tried doing things your way and it's made things worse. - But she's making so many mistakes. - You sound just like my father. - He never supported my choices. - My dad didn't support me either. - That's why l started stripping. - Me too. - Same here. - Yeah. Plus my uncle touched me. - l never meant to drive Hayley away. - Stan, we need to listen to these ho bags. Hayley will make mistakes, but they're hers to make, and as parents the most important thing we can do is be supportive. Supportive? Yes. Shake it, baby. You will not break it. lt took me nine months to make it. - Give me some more singles. - You used to look like that. - What are you guys doing? - Being supportive. l've been treating you like a little girl and, well, you're a grown woman. You've made that clear during that Jay-Z song. - Come back home, honey. - What do you say? - Give your old man a second chance? - l'll think about it. You have terrific parents. l guess you're done here and you'll be going back home? Yeah. Then again, the girls are really nice and the money's awesome. Nah, l think l'll stay. Hit it, Ron. That's gross. That's the one place you want them to have hair. - l got a good one. - Quivix? That's not a word. - lt is on my planet. - ls it a proper noun? - Damn. - l'm going out with Jeff. - Hey, be home by 11. - Dad. - OK. Just be safe. - Thanks, Daddy. Do you have visual? Stay three car lengths behind and check in with me every half-hour. Yes, l know she's got a great ass. Stay on it.