Faking Bad

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! I can't believe we're eating here. This place is so demeaning. Well, when you can afford to pay, you can pick the restaurant. But should that day ever come-- and it won't-- we'll still be coming here for the same reason. Great pastrami! You're a pig. At least I'm not broke. At least I'm not a loser. I'm not a loser! Knock it off, you two! Hi, welcome to Boobers where we got a Double D from the health department. Zoe? I-I haven't seen you since high school. Oh, my God! Hayley! Sorry, I try not to make eye contact with my customers. They never make eye contact with me. They should be ashamed of themselves! You are not just some objects. Wow, it's been forever. So, where you living now? At home. Actually, I did move out for a bit. To your boyfriend's van. You know, me and Kristen and Danuta still hang out. We're all going to the Skylark tonight. You should come. Yeah, that sounds fun. Great. I'll be back in a minute to take your order. Hold on, lady. I'm actually here on official business. F. B. I. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to verify those alleged breasts. I'm not falling for this again. Well, machine says your I. D. checks out. Why do you guys keep hassling me? Zoe, don't! This is fake. My brother made it. Boo! Boo! Let me ask you. How do your parents feel about you working here? Hey, how's everyone doing? You enjoying my little girl's boobs? Thanks for inviting me out, guys. It's so fun hanging out again. Well, it's a little early to say that, I. D. 's. They're carding? You don't have a fake I. D. ? You got to go to Kevin Ramage. He'll make you one for 200 bucks. Plus you got to make out with him. What? I-I can't afford $200. Oh, bummer. I guess we'll catch you later then. You were right, she was too optimistic. I know a club that doesn't card. The club of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Hey, how's the tail in there tonight? Fine as hell, dawg. Hey, buddy. It's called Fortress of Solitude, not Fortress of Come On In. Oh, right. Star Trek Wars. I can't even First of all You're-you're not What do you want? I just wanted to say how impressed I was with your Federal Boobie Inspector card. And I was wondering if you could maybe do a fake driver's license for me? Yeah? Oh, I-I thought I was a loser. You know who the real losers are, Steve? The ones who stay angry after being called losers. Okay, I'll do it. What a loser. Oh, you got a fake I. D. ? I didn't think you could afford one. That's funny. And, you know who would love that joke? My butler, but he wouldn't laugh, because he's a great butler. Wait, you're scanning I. D. 's now? We're cracking down ever since that toddler died of alcohol poisoning. They teach you a lot of things in bouncer school, but they don't teach you how to live with a mistake. Nope. Nope. Nope. Yep. Go on in. Hayley, wow. Did Ramage make you that? No, I got my own guy. Yo, can your guy make me a certification to be a heart surgeon? 'Cause my mama's got a bad heart, and I just know I could do something about it if I could just get in there. Hey, buddy. Not now. You-you'll have to excuse me. We've had a lot of trouble with kids breaking in and building blanket forts. Steve, my friends here would like to buy some fake I. D. 's from you. Buy fake I. D. 's? Hayley, can I talk to you in private for a minute? Hayley, what you're suggesting could get us in deep trouble. You're selling fake I. D. 's to teenagers. At most, you'd get a slap on the wrist. Aah! But I use my wrists all the time. Steve, you won't get in trouble. I mean, with your talent and my distribution network, do you know how much money we could make? I don't know. Maybe this'll convince you. All right, he'll do your I. D. 's. But first he's got to do his day job. He's a licensed Federal Boobie Inspector. Ladies. I'm taking on a lot of risk here. You mind asking them to jump up and down? We're in the basement Learning to print All of it's hot 10, 20, 30 million ready to be spent We're stackin' 'em against the wall Those gangster presidents Livin' simple and trying to get by But, honey, prices have shot through the sky So I fixed up the basement With what I was a-workin' with Stocked it full of jelly jars And heavy equipment We're in the basement Thank you. We'll call your fake name when it's ready. Next! Roger? The name is Kevin Ramage. Roger? I'm only doing this one more time. The name is Kevin Ramage. Word on the street is you're horning in on my business. Yeah, well, word on the street is your product sucks. Yeah, well, word on the street is I don't have a comeback for that, but what I do have are these brawny sidemen. Show them the rough stuff, boys! If you don't get out of my territory, this is gonna be you. Get lost, Ramage. Yeah, there's a new counterfeiter in town. And his name is Steve. No, Hayley, I've given a lot of thought to this. From now on, my name is Guttenberg. Oh, like the inventor of the printing press? Steve Guttenberg invented the printing press? Okay, guys, I believe we've made our point. And if you two don't back off my territory, then this is what's waiting for you. That's right, so you better think long and har Whatever. Okay, next I. D. is ready. Mike Rotch? I'm looking for Mike Rotch. Smith, I was tearing it up at the Rope and Pony last night, and I accidentally picked up a 17-year-old girl all because of this! Were it not for the girl's father bursting in at the last moment, I'd be a sex offender right now. Wow, I've never seen a fake I. D. as sophisticated as this. If these got into the wrong hands, they could be a huge threat to national security. That's what I was trying to tell her father before he fell on all those bullets coming out of my gun. Anyway, your new priority is to find the man who's making these and shut him down for good. You can count on me, sir. Do we have any leads? Only one. He goes by the name Guttenberg. Steve Guttenberg. But we have no record of a man by that name ever existing. Wow, last night was our best take ever. Way to go, little bro. Right back at you, big sis. I knew it! I knew I could find the kitchen blindfolded. Boy, do I know this house. Uh, hey-hey, Dad. What's new? I've just been handed a very important case. Some master forger named Guttenberg is making fake I. D. 's. The best I've ever seen. That's right. He should be as nervous as you two look right now. All I have to do is bait the trap. And he may be a master forger, but I am a master bai whoa! Whoa, that was close. Almost master-baited myself there. Did you hear that? We got to quit! Calm down. He doesn't know it's us. Besides, we're making too much money for you to chicken out now. And don't you like working with your big sis? Well yeah. And I can't do it without you. You're the genius who makes it all happen. You really mean that? I do. And don't worry about Dad. I've been keeping things from him my whole life. A-ha! Is playing the county fair. Although now that I think about it, I only know that one song. And parking. And fair food gives me the runs. You know what, I talked myself out of it. I'll leave you to your whispers. Stan, are you coming to bed? Oh, quite the opposite, Francine. Not only am I not going to bed as Stan, I'm leaving the house as someone else. Feel free to ask a follow-up question. No, that's okay. You see, Francine, if I'm gonna catch a man who sells fake I. D. 's to teens, I need to go undercover tonight in full 21 Jump Street mode. Excuse me, fellow youth. Can I ask you where one might? Let me ask you a question first. Can I buy you a drink? Me? This young thing? Sure. You're trembling. It's just that I'm afraid this might be one big dream, and I don't want to wake up. So how did it go? Did you get that intel you were looking for? Damn it! And so, after four dates and a trip to the Cape with his family, I finally got the information I was looking for. His parents made us sleep in separate rooms, but, uh, you know. Anyway, Guttenberg parks his van at Fifth and Wellington every Thursday night. And tonight will be his last. Hayley, who are you calling? Ma, I need the room. Why don't you go down to the mall kiosk and get yourself a nice phone case? Ooh, you're so good to me. Come on, Steve, pick up. Uhp, out of toner again. Uh! I told Hayley we should have gotten a bubble jet printer. But she's, like, "No, they cost too much. " And I'm like, "Yeah, but the price per page is lower. " And she's, like, "Hey, do what you want. " And I'm, like, "No, I don't want to upset you. Not that important. " Yup, that's how that conversation went down. You've Gutten away for the last time, Guttenberg. Berg your pardon? Cat Gutte your tongue? You're arrested! You're just too Gutte to be true, I won't take my cuffs off of you. Any of those will be fine. What the hell? Steve! What are you doing here? I was just walking home for dinner when somebody jumped me, threw a bag over my head and shoved me in Jeff's van! Oh, yeah, this is Jeff's van. Wait a minute. What did your kidnapper say? He said his name was Guttenberg, and that you're Gutten colder, and it might be a Gutt I. D. -ah for you to give up. Using my own child, and worst of all, my son-in-law's van to make me look like a fool! He's toying with me. Yeah, it's like he's one step ahead of you. That hadn't occurred to me, but you're right! He's probably watching me right now! Oh, almost definitely. You like to watch, Guttenberg?! You want a show?! Well, how do you like this?! Who looks like a fool now? Thank God I picked up that second time you called. I had plenty of time to put the bag over my head and tie up my hands. But how did you hide the equipment? Simple magician's patter. It was all misdirection. Wow. You came so close to getting caught. Were you scared? No, it was a rush! And now Dad has no idea what's going on. It's Dad! He figured it out! Roger. Kevin Ramage. What do you want? You're making chump change selling fake I. D. 's to teenagers. The big money's in passports, green cards, counterfeit currency. Come work for me. We'll make a bundle. Are you nuts?! That's too dangerous. I'm not talking to you, sweetheart. I'm talking to the talent. What do you say, Steve? I say you got a lot of nerve trying to come between me and my sister! Whoa, are you okay? I'm fine. I just missed the step backing out. I didn't realize how. Gosh, be careful, okay? Thanks, I will. All right, good. And stay out! So, who's Guttenberg? Are you any closer? Yes, he's a teenager. Probably working with a sibling, but not a brother. He's from a two-parent home. Father is driven, but stunningly dim. Mother is all over the map, but hot. And there's something sexually ambiguous living in his attic. Yeah, those are the cold facts of his life. Tell me about the man. Put it on the board. I'm a visual thinker. Okay. He's smart he's tricky he's energetic. He's very energetic. See? Nothing. Who are you?! I'm gonna take a break and check on the girls. Lucky and Buttermilk have been fighting. Those sound like horse names, but they're people. Oh, hey, what are you guys doing here? Out-Outside of a strip club? Oh, we just come here ironically. Plus I work here. What are you doing here? Remember when my little brother made those fake I. D. 's? Well, now we're in business together. Wait? Ew. You're business partners with your pervy little brother? Yeah, that's pretty lame. What? Oh, no. No, I meant my brother works for me. He likes to think we're partners, but I'm the genius that makes it all happen. I just wanted to give that loser a break from building blanket forts. Oh, uh, is Ramage here? Kevin! One of your little friends is at the door. Can I go out with you and Kevin tonight? Brandon! Leave my friends alone! My family sucks. What do you want, Guttenberg? I want in. I don't care how dangerous it is. I need a partner who respects me. I'm glad you came around. Let me go get my jacket, and we'll get started. So, you're a big boy, aren't ya? Don't look so surprised. You know it's me. Steve, you ready to go to work? The Taiwanese are coming in for the Little League World Series, and they are looking to buy some cigarettes. Oh, but Hayley, you're the genius who makes it all happen. I'm just the loser who makes blanket forts. Oh you heard that. You're out, Hayley. What's this for? The van. It belongs to me and my new partner now. That is a personal best. Well, not counting Adam Levine's Jacuzzi. But that time there was incentive! Kevin Ramage?! Steve, don't do this. Working with this creep is too dangerous. I'll take my chances. Come on, Steve, we got a lot of work to do. Plus I'm-I'm pruning up here. My whole body is starting to look like Meg Ryan's neck. Yeah, to hell with her for getting old. Hayley, you spent a lot of money on this limo and you're not even saying "Whoo. " I just got a lot on my mind. Oh, that sounds awful. Hey, driver, pull over! Wait for me. I just gotta check on something. We can't. We have to stop at Kristen's house because she accidentally wore underwear. Hey, I'm all for making a guy work for it, but not that hard. Come on, Steve. Chop-chop! We gotta get these fake passports finished. These Armenians are scary people, man. That Turkish genocide just pissed them off. That's all it did! It just pissed them off! Damn it! We're late. We gotta get down to the docks. Oh, my God! Steve's in way over his head! Hello? Dad, Steve's in trouble! Oh, no, it's Guttenberg, isn't it?! He's got him again! Sure, why not? Just get to the docks now! Dimitri, you old so-and-so! Nice tracksuit, buddy. This is Guttenberg. Best forger in the business. Hi. So I-I have your passports. Now what do you have for us? These. Uh-oh. The double cross. Classic. Attention, you in the warehouse! We have you surrounded! This is the CIA! Guttenberg, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up! You want Guttenberg alive? You let us go! Wait. Steve is Guttenberg? No! Steve's not Guttenberg! I am. You're Guttenberg? Yes, Dad. And this is all my fault. I used Steve to make money, and-and Kevin Ramage! Steve, thank God you're okay. Well, Smith, you solved the case. You found Guttenberg. Good work. Take her away. But, sir, Guttenberg or not, I can't arrest my own daughter. Can you do it? Smith, your lawyer's here to see you. Lawyer? He says he's your lawyer. His official lawyer card checks out. Hi, Steve. Hayley, why'd you take the rap for me? I I felt bad. Your life was in danger, and it was all because of me. You had a skill, and I-I took advantage of it. But we were partners, and then you told those girls I was a loser. I know. I'm sorry. They-they put me on the spot, and I was, I was just trying to look cool. I guess I deserve to be in here for the next ten years. See you when I'm 29. Oh, you mean yesterday? Guard! Thanks, little brother. Any time, sis. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got work to do. Open up cellblock H! Surprise inspection, ladies! Let's whip 'em out! What a loser.