Wife Insurance

- 53 Glock 9 mm? - Check. - Kevlar vest? - Check. before you wreck yourself? - Check. - Oh, Stan. I hate it when you go on these dangerous missions. Honey, it's just a two-day surveillance job. Trust me, I'll be back in time for Valentine's Day, when I'll take you out for a disappointing set-menu dinner at the Macaroni Grill. For a meeting between wealthy arms dealers, this sure is boring. Thought they'd at least have a band or juggling Juggling is amazing. Yeah, this is a snooze-fest. I should be rolling in the sheets with Lana from accounting right now. Lana? I thought she was a lesbian. She was. Jim, your ability with the ladies never ceases to amaze me. What can I say? I love women. This might make me sound like a wuss, but I get off when they get off. - Come on! - I mean it. That's why I took that class on sexual energy. Now I can make a woman quiver just by looking at her the right way. Which way? First boobs, then face, then butt? No, I mean Wait. Something's happening. The guards are on the move. But to where? Now back to Tex 'n' Mex. Thanks to some good detective work by me, and to a lesser extent, my partner Mexican Joey, the bikini thief is finally headed to jail. I guess that only leaves one mystery. Who ate my sopapia? Tex 'n' Mex did it again. Nothing more satisfying than solving a case. Has anyone seen my Shuffle? I can't find it anywhere. A treasured item gone missing. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? This sounds like a case for Wheels and the Legman! You know, Wheels and the Legman, the detective duo we created. I'm Wheels, and Roger's the Legman. We've been looking for a case, but now it appears that case found us. Stop that! Look, if you see my Shuffle, let me know. There is, madam, the small matter of our fee. $20 a day, plus expenses. Or that half sandwich you left in the fridge. - That's Dad's. - We have a deal then. Why so sad, Mrs. Smith? It's me, Scott, from Langley Flag and Boot Cleaning. Say hi to your husband. He's my best customer. Stan's boss! Francine, I have bad news. My car broke down two blocks from here and it's just off warranty. That's the bad news? Well, actually, there's more. Father Carrington? Mrs. Smith, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to be direct. Dear God! I was caught having sex with a man and I'm being excommunicated. What about Stan? Nope. I don't believe Stan has had sex with Father Carrington. Also, we lost communications with Stan 12 hours ago. I'm trained for this. Step aside, please. There, there. We're gonna die! I just know it! I just really do! Stay cool, Stan. We've been trained for this. I know! But I forget! There's gotta be a way out of here. You're relieved. I think our luck just changed. Halt! Don't shoot. Just go. All right, Wheels. This is the last place Hayley saw her Shuffle. Search her dresser for clues. I'll take the closet. - Careful! - Sorry. I'm a little rusty. - Just use your legs! - We can't break character! - For crying out loud! - No, no! I did it. Look! A butt-print on Hayley's bedspread, way too big to be Hayley's. There are only two people who could leave a print that big. Well, it's not Travolta. So it's gotta be Barry. Mama, Stan went on a mission and he's been missing for five days What's that in the background? You're at a movie? Well, go in the lobby! You're being rude! I thought I'd never see you again! There, there, Francine. I promised I'd be home in time to take you out for a romantic Valentine's dinner. If I smell at all like sex, it's because of Jim. I was on his heels as he porked our way through 200 miles of jungle. His hips never stopped moving. It was magnificent. - You're crushing me. - It's almost over. Sorry I didn't have time to get you a Valentine's Day present. Just having you home safe is the only present I need. You know I'll always come back. I know, but sometimes I think about if you didn't. And you know what? I think that would be it for the romantic part of my life. And that would be fine, because I would have known my soul mate, my one true love. That's more than most people ever get. And the memory of our love would be enough to sustain me for the rest of my days alone. How about you? What would you do if I died? I'd marry Meg Penner, my backup wife. Meg Penner? Wait, Dr. Penner? Our dentist?! Exactly, that's who I would marry next. She's my backup. Like that extra pair of underwear I keep in the car just in case. You already know who you want to marry after I'm dead? Nothing formal. Meg and I were talking during one of my routine cleanings. The subject came up, and we decided that if our spouses die, we'll marry each other. Wait, Dr. Penner knows about this? Francine, listen to yourself. How crazy would it be to plan a backup marriage without alerting the backup bride? That would just be weird. - Are you in love with Meg Penner? - What? No, no, I'm not in love with her. - Are you sleeping with her?! - Of course not! Then why are you making all these plans with her? Oh, baby, baby, you must have misheard me or misunderstood me. It was probably my fault. None of this happens until you are dead. Stan, I want you to break off this crazy arrangement with Dr. Penner. I'm not dead, and I don't like you arranging my replacement as if I were! No. You're making a big deal out of nothing. It's not nothing. Not to a woman at least. You think Dr. Penner's approaching this as casually as you are? Probably. She's pretty casual. She wears Crocs around the office. Look, Francine, they say men who are happily married usually get remarried right away. So, this is actually a huge compliment to you. There's your Valentine's Day present. Your present is that observation. We know you were in the victim's room on the day in question, Barry. This is the room where I sleep in my house! Don't get smart with me! You wanna do this the hard way, that's fine. I invented the hard way! - What do you think you're doing? - I'm playing bad cop. - You know, good cop/bad cop? - Yeah, but I'm the bad cop. Roger, I'm the one in a wheelchair. I'm bitter about my fate and constantly in pain from the one-eyed serial killer's bullet lodged in my spine. I'm bad cop. No, no, your accident humbled you and made you grateful for every day you're alive. - You're good cop. - I'm bad cop! You don't have the guts! I can bad cop better than you in my sleep. You wanna go to jail, double-stuff? Oh, the boys'll love you in there. They won't leave one fat fold unviolated. Still won't talk? Maybe I'll reach out to a buddy of mine. Dirty Cop owes me a favor. In two hours, I can have a dead baby stuffed with heroin planted in your mom's car. Is that what you want, wide load?! - Put out your hands. - I made heavy pants! I said put out your hands! You got real pretty hands, fat boy. Now I'm gonna make you eat 'em! God, Roger! All right, all right, you can be bad cop. Thank you. That's all I wanted to hear. I confess! I went in Hayley's room. I like to put her toothbrush in my mouth. It tastes like mint, and sometimes I find food. But what about Hayley's Shuffle? I don't know. I was just eating toothbrush corn. Then the fish scared me away. Looking good! Doesn't she? - Jim! Wait, what are you doing here? - Didn't I tell you? Can you get my back, J-dog? Jim's my backup husband. - What?! - I'm honored. I mean, be sleeping with your wife someday. That makes us, like, brothers or something. - Would you excuse us for a minute, Jim? - Sure, I'll just go do my tai-chi. I see what you're doing here, but I never laid around the pool having Meg Penner rub lotion on me. No, you just laid around her office for the last ten years, letting her fingers in your mouth. I'm just making up for lost time. I know why you're upset. Baby, none of this happens till you're dead. Oh, God! Jim, your niece's piano recital! Grab the cupcakes and let's go! Damn! Did you see what homeboy was packing in his Speedo? I mean, I can't relax. I'm in an inner tube, in a pool, with a drink and I can't get right. Reginald, what are you doing here? I just got back from a CIA mission. 'Cause, you know, sometimes I be on missions. Sometimes I just be hanging out here at the house. But more importantly, what's up with Prince Walnuts rubbing lotion on your wife? You better handle your business. Yeah, I guess I got to break up with Meg Penner tomorrow. It's probably for the best. Man, I hate ending relationships. It took me six months to fire the gardener after I found out he was taking pictures of Steve while he was asleep. You know, I didn't hear a word you said. I'm still thinking about Johnny Snowglobes over there. I mean, is that even attractive? Like, is it something you advertise, or something you just keep to yourself? For the last time, I wasn't in Hayley's room. I was here, reading a great new article about hip dysplasia. Barry says different, which means, something about your story seems fishy. - What was that? - A wisecrack. - I'm cracking wise. - No way! You can't be bad cop and do the wisecracks. I'm doing the wisecracks! Klaus, you're going to face the scales of Lady Justice. We know you're gill-ty. Like it or not, fish, you're on the hook for this one. Your days of crime are H2 over! - That doesn't even make sense! - Fish live in water! Enough! I confess. Just, please, no more puns. I knew he was lying! There hasn't been a good article on hip dysplasia in years. Look, I did go into Hayley's room. I use her toothbrush to scrape algae from the inside of my bowl. But I didn't steal anything. Is that a red hair? Ja. I've been tangled in it since I was in Hayley's room. We found our next clue. Looks like this case is getting a little hairy. You proud of that? You proud of that sentence you just said? What are you doing here? You have an appointment? No, but you're about to have a disappointment. Meg, I've got to break things off. You can't be my backup wife. What? That? For heaven's sakes, I thought that was some kind of a joke. And the ego goes into defense mode. Amazing how the human brain works, isn't it? She keeps saying my name. You got it bad, Meg. You just need to turn around and walk away. But this is my office. Good, good, throw yourself into your work. Now, listen, I'm going to leave, but these little love notes? Meg, no more of these. That's an appointment card. I send them to all my patients. Now I know it won't be easy, but try to forget about me. Do something nice for yourself. Get a massage. Go have salad with the girls But if you just can't stop thinking about this gorgeous mug Well, maybe this will help. You're welcome! So, since I went ahead and broke up with my backup wife, you don't need to carry on with Francine's little backup husband revenge thing! You mean, just pretend like this never happened? - Right! - That's a big emotional negatory! - I'm sorry? - No can do! I'm in love with your wife! What?! She's sexy! She's funny! My niece loves her! My niece is very important to me! Jim, I'm sorry, but she's a happily married Not anymore! What the fuck! You lost your damn mind, Jim? That was Stan! You just killed Stan! All right. What's done is done. Can't change it now. Reggie's just got to keep moving. And so, on behalf of the Guinness Book of World Records, I, Lady Carolyn Gilbert-Lawson, congratulate Achmed Asadi for making the world's biggest falafel. You're a fraud, Asadi! I just wanted to impress Zamira! She is so beautiful! Hey, lady, is that your hot air balloon? I need a ride back to the States. I'm sorry, but that balloon is for official Guinness business only. What if I told you we'd set the record for "Most Spontaneous Cross Atlantic Hot Air Balloon Trip"? I'm sorry, sir, I can't What if I told you I'm about to set the record for shooting a woman in the face the most times in a row? Alejandro, fire up the balloon! Hayley, we worked all day, and we finally figured everything out. - Really? - Yeah, I'm good cop, and Roger's bad cop. I make the wisecracks, but Roger can be sarcastic, as long as it's not too schticky. I get to have the troubled past, but Steve always gets the girl. Unless she's a bad guy, in which case, Roger gets her, so she can betray him, leading to a gunfight on the roof of an opera. - Or a theater. - Or a theater. What the hell are you talking about? Where's my Shuffle? - Your what now? - That was the whole point of this. You were supposed to find my iPod Shuffle, rember? Is that what a Shuffle is? - I did not realize. Yeah, I took that. - What? I was in her room, using her toothbrush to scrub the bird poo out of my red wig. What? Oh, God, I'm going to be sick. Can I finish my story, please? Anyway, I took your iPod from the dresser for a variety of complex reasons, the most important of which was that it was shiny. I erased all your music and filled it with ABBA. Don't really care for them, but I did it anyway. So that explains the red hair we found in Klaus's bowl. I guess it wasn't just a red hair-ing! Nice pun work, Wheels. Thanks, Legman. The puns are there in the marble. - I just have to chisel them out. - Free them from the marble. You need something? Thanks. Why do you travel like this, Alejandro? I'll tell you why, Stan. Will you put me in the record book as the happiest man alive by becoming Mrs. Lady Carolyn Gilbert Lawson-Rojas? Yes, Alejandro! A million times yes! You! Francine, help! I'm dealing with a little problem of my own. - What are you doing? - We're going to be together. Like we planned. No, we broke up, remember? I know. No, I know. Look, I really tried to play it cool, but But the truth is, you were right. I love you. And my heart has a cavity that only you can fill! That is clever and super-crazy. Stan, this is all my fault. I was jealous, so I tried to make you jealous. No, it's my fault. There's a lot of things you should make backup plans for, but love isn't one of them. Stan, that's beautiful. My tooth! I can put a crown on for you. I'm not going to you anymore. Good luck getting your x-rays back, bitch! Nobody shoots my backup husband. Meg, you saved my life! I love you! Just, just - Did we just find another case? - Are you kidding me? This is gruesome. This is like a cable crime. We're network. - Yeah, no one dies on our show. - Right. Let's face it: On our darkest day, we're Scooby-Doo. Maybe Quincy.