O.W.C.A. Files

Prologue
(Scene opens on a carnival at night. A car pulls up. A rather round looking gentleman comes out accompanied by two accomplices wearing sunglasses and berets. Perry the Platypus appears in the dunking booth. He pops out of the water and signals, to a hyena trainee, Harry the Hyena. Harry accidentally hits the target and dunks Perry.)

Harry the Hyena: Oh? Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee! (grunts) Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!!

(Cut to another part of the carnival. A red macaw trainee, Maggie the Macaw, hides among the stuffed animal prizes. She takes out binoculars from her fedora. In another section, a Siamese cat trainee, Karen the Cat, is just standing around. Cut to Doof's bedroom. His alarm clock on the floor goes off. Doof shoves his lamp off his nightstand and feels around for the clock and falls out of his bed.)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, no! The mission!

(Song: O.W.C.A. Files)

Come on!

Major Monogram: These are the stories of the agents of the O.W.C.A. These are the OWCA Files!

We got animal agents wearing brown fedoras

If you're a villain then ya can't ignore us

Your evil plan is gonna fall before us

I will explain it better when we get to the chorus

'Cause if you find yourself hanging out on a limb

And your chances of survival are increasingly slim

All the odds are stacked against you and your prospects are grim

Call the Organization Without a Cool Acronym

It's the OWCA Files (yeah!)

(the OWCA Files)

It's the OWCA Files

(the OWCA Files)

It's the OWCA Files (the Organization Without a Cool Acronym!)

(the OWCA Files)

It's the OWCA Files

(the OWCA Files)

OWCA!

Act I
(Scene opens back on the carnival. Perry is climbing up the log flume while Harry tosses him a rope. A tray stops the water and Perry slides down.)

Harry the Hyena: Huh? Ha ha ha ha ha!

(Cut to Karen and Maggie who are over by the swings. Maggie ties a rope while Karen hops onto a swing and Maggie attempts to catch her. Cut to the bumper cars, where Perry and Harry are. Perry lets Harry into the car and puts a lock and chain onto a handle and carries a baseball. Cut to the enemies. The leader takes the top off his cotton candy revealing gold and jewels. The accomplices carry briefcases filled with cash. Perry takes his best swing at the target on the log flume, but Karen wants to play with it. Perry takes it away from Karen and hits the target, releasing all of the log flumes.)

Leader: Huh?

Enemies: Yaaaaahhh!!

(Perry turns on the swings and the enemies get trapped in the bumper cars.)

Perry: (whistles)

(Cut to Karen on a bumper car with a gate attached to it being driven by her and Harry. They trap the villains. Perry gets his end of the gate locked, but Karen doesn't have a clue, allowing them to escape. Perry chases after them, retrieving his scooter from a clown-shaped bush. But Carl arrives on his golf cart.)

Carl: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Agent P, stop right there! Shut it down! Stop the exercise!

(Cut to outside. A dome is lifted over the carnival revealing it to be a simulation.)

Carl: Agent P, nowhere in the O.W.C.A. training manual does it say, "Abandon your team and apprehend the suspect by yourself." You're not a lone wolf anymore. Your team lacks focus and they need your leadership.

Harry: Ha ha ha!

Maggie: Learn to drive, you jerk!

Carl: Heck, one of your trainees didn't even show up.

Doofenshmirtz: No, no! I'm here! I'm here! (arrives with some rockets) Just a little late! I'm here! Phew! But it's okay, I made this to help.

Carl: You can't shoot that at a suspect! Are you crazy?! It would blow them to smithereens!

Doofenshmirtz: What's the big deal? I blow up all the time.

Carl: Nevertheless, individually, your scores look promising, but there's still a big problem with teamwork.

(Cut to Harry and Doof imitating the picture of two animal agents holding hands. Doof lets go.)

Doofenshmirtz: Hey, bub, it's just a piece of clipart.

Harry: Hee hee hee hee hee...

Carl: And, Doofenshmirtz, you're lucky you're legally considered an ocelot, or you wouldn't be here at all!

Wah wah wah

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah. I'd say that's probably the first time anyone has described my being abandoned by my parents and raised by Central American wildcats as "lucky".

Wah wah wah wah

(Zoom out to reveal the wah-wah music coming from Harry playing the trumpet with a plunger mute.)

Doofenshmirtz: You're gonna be wearing that thing in a second.

Harry: Heh...heh heh heh...

Doofenshmirtz: Besides, I've, I've given up evil.

Carl: Look, if you guys can't pass this training exercise, there's no way you'll complete "Town Square Riot", "Freeway Assault", or "Escape the Ancient Ruin". Agent P, your trainees need to learn how to work together as a team or they're never gonna earn their black hat bands. And, uh, Karen? (takes out a laser pointer and points it at Karen, who is chasing a butterfly) Karen the Cat. Pay attention. Karen, I'm over here.

Karen: Meow.

Carl: Follow the light. That's right. Now, you're going to have to do the entire training exercise again.

OWCA Day-Players: Yay! High five!

Carl: No, I'm not approving overtime. We'll do it without you day-players.

OWCA Day-Players: Awwww...

OWCA Day-Player: Come on. Let's just storm out as if we have somewhere else to go.

(Carl's watch beeps.)

Major Monogram: Carl, when you're finished with Agent P's team on the backlot, return to headquarters immediately.

Carl: Sorry, Agent P. Gotta go. (gives Perry the laser pointer and the manual) Carry on. And remember! Teamwork!

Doofenshmirtz: Uh, can we still use this thing? (He activates the rocket and it blasts into an unknown area.) Heh heh heh. Well, y'know, hopefully that didn't hit anything important.

(Cut to Carl driving up to the new and improved OWCA headquarters. He skids leaving some smoke which infects the Bug Trio from Doof 101.)

Napoleon: The dust clears and here we are.

OWCA!

Napoleon (cont'd): OWCA Secret Headquarters.

Wendell: Doesn't look very secret to me.

Napoleon: Be that as it may, today is the day that we will become OWCA's first insect agents.

Wendell: But they never responded to our applications.

Napoleon: Yes, and I can't understand why. We mailed them in on time, right before the year-end deadline.

(Cutaway to the Bug Trio putting their letter in the slot.)

Major Monogram and Agents: Three, two, one!

Carl: Happy New Year!

(Cut back to the Bug Trio.)

Napoleon: It's possible that our applications have fallen through the cracks. Which is why we are following up with a personal visit. That's how you get noticed, and that's how we will become agents. Imagine fighting international supervillains, traveling to exotic locales.

Wendell: And I'm gonna get all kinds of cool spy stuff, like a jet pack, a tuxedo and scuba fins!

(Cutaway to Wendell in his house wearing all those.)

Wendell: Yeah! That oughta do it! (He turns on his jet pack setting his house on fire and bumping into the ceiling.) Napoleon, I can see your house from here!

(Pan left to Napoleon at his house pulling down his window shade.)

(Cut back to where we left the Bug Trio.)

Wendell: How 'bout you, Floyd? What do you want? Uh, a fountain pen that shoots lasers? (gasps) Or a car that shoots fountain pens?

Floyd: I want a monkey.

Napoleon: Mmm, yes. For whatever twisted reason, you shall acquire your primate.

Floyd: Monkey.

Napoleon: Yes, a monkey is a... You know what? Nevermind. My point is, now that we're here, all we have to do is get someone's attention. Ah, here comes a helpful looking lad now. Excuse me, sir— (Carl steps on the bugs) Obviously, we need to try a different approach.

Floyd: I still want a monkey.

(Cut to Monogram and Carl at the window.)

Major Monogram: Carl, this new facility is really impressive. Now, tell me again where you found the money for all these improvements.

Carl: I just solved a small ongoing accounting error. You kept putting decimal points where you needed to put commas.

Major Monogram: Oh, I see! Improper punctuation. Say, how is Agent P's team shaping up?

Carl: Well...

Major Monogram: Great! Agent P is the best we have. If anyone can get that team in shape, it's him.

Carl: Yes, sir, but I—

Major Monogram: Carl, isn't it time that we talked about the elephant in the room?

Carl: What do you mean, sir?

(Long shot to reveal Agent E with a green collar around his neck holding a newspaper and itching.)

Major Monogram: Well, what exactly is he doing?

Carl: Obviously something's itching him.

Major Monogram: And Agent W, too.

(Cut to reveal Agent W using a pole as a backscratcher.)

Major Monogram (cont'd): It's really taking a toll on our brand new facility.

(The place starts to come apart.)

Carl: I don't understand all the itching. I handed out the new flea collars this morning.

Major Monogram: Then something's not right because OWCA is infested with fleas. Carl, activate emergency flea protocol 993-alpha.

Carl: (on a communication device) Agent C, activate emergency flea protocol 993-alpha.

(Cut to Agent C in a control panel doing nothing until he pecks at a key.)

Agent C: Bawk!

(Cut to outside. An alarm goes off saying "FLEAS". The facility goes on lockdown. One of the doors cuts off Agent I's tail.)

Agent I: (gasps)

(His tail grows back and he gives a thumbs up. Cut to Monogram and Carl addressing the agents.)

Carl: Okay, everyone. When the sensors stop detecting the presence of fleas, the doors will automatically open. Agents, prepare for flea fogging.

(Carl and all the agents put on gas masks as smoke fills up the room.)

(Cut to the Bug Trio.)

Napoleon: This must be our first test, gentlemen. As agents, we must know how to elude things like deadly toxic clouds.

Wendell: Just for the record, that was not me.

Napoleon: Yes, Wendell, I— Let's just get down in that drawer.

(They all jump into an open drawer, which closes. Cut to inside the drawer.)

Napoleon: Look at all this spy equipment! (looks at a pair of scissors) Some sort of giant cutting device, latex bands, miles of insect rope, giant fly— Aah! Whoa!

Floyd: (behind a magnifying glass) What is happening to me?

Napoleon: Look at this magnification apparatus that Floyd has found. This could be just the thing we need to get noticed. (sniffs, to Wendell) Okay, that was you.

Wendell: Guilty. Sorry.

(Cut back to the agents, who take off their masks.)

Carl: Fogging sequence complete. Flea problem solved, sir.

(The agents scratching themselves contradict Carl's theory.)

Major Monogram: First, the flea collars don't work and now fogging doesn't take? What kind of fleas are these?

Agent D: Grrr!

Carl: Agent D, would you mind? (lifts Agent D's flea collar and gets a flea with some tweezers) Hmm. Gotcha! Let me see something.

(Cut back to the Bug Trio in the drawer. Wendell and Napoleon are pulling a rope, while Floyd just stands there.)

Wendell and Napoleon: (grunting)

Napoleon: Okay. Gently lower it into place. All we have to do is get up there—

(Carl grabs the magnifying glass sending the Bug Trio on a wild ride.)

Napoleon: Aw, nuts.

(They crash into a package of mixed nuts, and the nuts land into a rotating fan.)

Napoleon: There. You see? It's a good thing we let go, otherwise, we would've ended up just like that peanut.

(The fan tips over and lands on the Bug Trio.)

Bug Trio: Whoa!!

(Cut to Carl examining a flea.)

Carl: Oh, my gosh! It's a tiny robot!

Major Monogram: What kind of a freak would make robot fleas?

(A strange-headed villain's hologram appears in between Carl and Monogram.)

Villain: Hello.. (laughs) Francis Monogram! (laughs)

Major Monogram: Great googly moogly! Who are you?

Villain: I am Professor Parenthesis. Although, I'm not really here. This is a holographic image.

Carl: Major, I'm looking up Professor Parenthesis in our database. There's not much on him.

Parenthesis: It's Parenthesis! Not Parenthesis!

Carl: Are you sure? Because it's spelled—

Parenthesis: You would think I would know how my own name is pronounced.

Carl: Yeah, you'd think.

Major Monogram: Why are you here?

Parenthesis: You don't remember me. We were in biology class together long ago. You barely noticed me.

Major Monogram: You're not that guy who kept eating his own hair, are you?

Parenthesis: No. That was Jeffrey Stovel.

Major Monogram: Were you the kid who got his chin stuck in that graduated cylinder?

Parenthesis: No, that was Jennifer Stillwell! And she was a girl! All you need to know is that I'm the one who sent those flea collars!

Major Monogram: Oh, are you that kid who wore that Robin Hood hat and passed out in the drinking fountain?

Parenthesis: Billy Eujeka! And can we move on, please?

Major Monogram: Yeah, sorry. So, why did you send those flea collars?

Parenthesis: Well, it's taken me 30 years to come up with a plan this diabolical. Five of those years were spent in villains academies. Then, after school, I started working on that screenplay I always wanted to write. But revenge was always on my mind, Francis Monogram!

Major Monogram: Stop saying my name like that!

Carl: Didja ever finish that screenplay?

Parenthesis: This is my screenplay! (hands Carl his screenplay) Right here. I'd like to get your notes.

Carl: Oh, I'd be happy to. (tries to pick it up, then remembers it's a hologram. To Monogram) Seriously?! You don't remember this jerk?!

Major Monogram: Were you the kid who...

Parenthesis: The robot fleas were actually inside the flea collars that you put on all of your agents. Now this remote will give me complete control over all of them!

(The robot fleas on the agents activate, turning their eyes red.)

Parenthesis: (maniacal laugh) And now, Francis Monogram, say goodbye to your precious OWCA! (maniacal laughter, then disappears, but reappears, to Carl) Seriously, though. I'll email you the screenplay. Tell me what you think. (disappears again)

(Cut to the agents who are zombie walking to Carl and Monogram)

Carl: Sir, he's turned all of our animal agents against us!

Major Monogram: Carl, are you familiar with the term "a-duh"?

(They run away and the corrupted agents go after them.)

Act II
(Scene opens on OWCA still in lockdown.)

Carl: (offscreen) What are we gonna do, sir?!

(Cut to Carl and Monogram running.)

Major Monogram: Do we have any agents on the outside? Anyone without a collar?

(Cut to Agent P joined by his rather inept teammates. His watch beeps.)

Major Monogram: Agent P. Come in, Agent P. Oh, good, you're all right. We need your help. OWCA's on lockdown. We're trapped!

(Cut to reveal Monogram on a dolly with the triangle set on it being pushed by a running Carl.)

Major Monogram: And all of the agents are being controlled by a sinister being named Professor Parenthesis.

Carl: That's Parenthesis, sir.

(Cut back to Agent P.)

Major Monogram: Oh, right. Anyway, Parenthesis is using robot fleas to control our agents' minds...

Carl: Left turn!

Major Monogram: Whoa! He snuck the fleas into OWCA Headquarters by hiding them in a shipment of flea collars.

Carl: Right turn!

Major Monogram: And now he's...Hey, Carl! Whoa! Anyway, he's controlling them with a small remote device. It's up to you and your team to find Parenthesis and destroy that remote. You're all we've got on the outside, so...

Carl: Wet floor!

Major Monogram: Whoa! Great googly moogly!

(The watch goes black.)

Doofenshmirtz: Wow, that sounds kind of serious. Guess the first thing we should do is start looking for clues? Huh? Huh?

Maggie: (repeating what Monogram said) Shipment of flea collars!

(Cut to Karen in a box labeled "Contents: Flea Collars".)

Doofenshmirtz: It's the box those flea collars came in. And there's his return address. "The Bottom of the Grand Canyon." Hey, hold on a second. Parenthesis! I know that guy! I met him at an evil convention about three years ago. Walks around in those pink slippers pushing his screenplay on everyone. Sure. (closeup on Doof) And now we got his home address! (Long shot to reveal Doof alone.) Perry the Platypus, we should go to your secret lair and get your hover car... (the rest are already ahead) Okay, fine, just... Just remember it was my idea!

(Cut to the Bug Trio recomposing themselves.)

Napoleon: Well, that did not go as planned.

Wendell: (offscreen) Hey, Napoleon, there's peanut butter over here!

Napoleon: Floyd, your head is upside-down.

Wendell: There's peanut butter over here, too! (gasps) There's peanut butter all over!

Napoleon: Yes, well, there's always a silver lining, isn't there? I think the problem is we need to be up on their eye level.

Wendell: Like those guys up there?

(pointing to a bunch of butterflies on display behind glass)

Napoleon: Uh...yes?? And no.

Butterfly: Tell my wife I love her.

Napoleon: While th-their position is not advantageous, they are illuminated by a light, which gives me an idea.

(Cut to Phineas and Ferb's neighborhood. Doof joins the rest of his team out of breath.)

Doofenshmirtz: (panting) Man, you guys are... You guys are fast. Ah, so this must be your...your host family's house. What's with all the rockets in the r— Oh, those are mine! That must be where they landed! Wh-What a coincidence! Well, it's a good thing they're not armed or... (The rockets start beeping. Doof chuckles.) Don't worry, Perry the Platypus. Everything is gonna be okay.

(KABOOM!!!!)

Doofenshmirtz: If I can get a ladder, I can defuse them before they blow up. (Notices the house is destroyed.) Eh. Well, on the bright side, now we don't have to find that ladder.

(Perry walks in sadly to see his family's house destroyed.)

Doofenshmirtz: Wow, what a mess. But don't worry, Perry the Platypus. OWCA's got plenty of money now. They'll... (snaps fingers) They'll fix this place up before your host family even gets back and they'll, they'll replace all this junk with...y'know, pretty much identical junk. (Harry gives him a look.) What?

(Perry and Maggie look at the basement.)

(Cut to Perry's lair, now in shambles. Ropes drop down, which Perry and Harry rappel from. Another rope drops down, but Doof does not rappel from it. He falls to the ground, and lands in Perry's chair.)

Doofenshmirtz: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Karen: REOW!!

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, see? A cat always lands on my feet.

Karen: Meow.

Doofenshmirtz: Ooh, Perry the Platypus, is this your lair? Nice! At least it, it would be if it wasn't so, y'know, blown to smithereens. (He picks up and throws away a Perry the Inaction Figure.) Oh, hey, an underwater diving capsule. (He knocks it over.) Man, I see why you never use it. Fragile! And is that a pressurized space suit? 'Cause that is not what you wore when we were in space. Hey, check this out! (Picks up the locket from Phineas and Ferb The Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension.) Oh, you look so young! Who's a widdle pwatypus?! (He hears Perry starting his hovercar.) Where do you think you're going? (He throws the locket in the toilet.) No-no-no-no-no-no, look. I know you might be a little upset, what with your house and your lair so exploded and all, and... And I have to admit that I feel...slightly responsible...

Maggie: (imitating the rockets) Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep... PYEOW!!!

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, thanks for the recap, Maggie. Anyway, you can't just go off and solve this without me.

Harry: (snorts)

Doofenshmirtz: I was getting to you guys. I mean, without me and them. And the cat, wherever the...

Karen: (purrs)

Doofenshmirtz: Hmm. Anyway, I know we can't all fit in this, but...if we work together, there's a lot of blown up stuff lying around here, and I'm, I'm sure we can jury rig something that will carry, y'know, all of us. Like a well-bonded machine.

(Cut to later. The hovercar now has different things attached to it able to carry all the trainees.)

Doofenshmirtz: Okay, the welds aren't really bonded on this machine, so, y'know, try not to move around too much in flight. Grand Canyon, here we come!

Narrator: 5 hours later...

(Cut to Doof exhausted.)

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah. If anyone happens to see a canyon that looks sorta grandish, just speak up. Or maybe not speak up, maybe meow up, or squawk, er, whatever it is that you do, up.

Maggie: Are we there yet? (plucks a feather) Are we there yet? (plucks a feather) Are we there yet? (plucks a feather) Are we there yet?

Harry: Ha ha ha ha! Hee hee hee hee hee hee! (sighs, groans)

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah.

Doofenshmirtz and Maggie: Are we there yet?

Doofenshmirtz: (to Perry) I have no way of knowing, because I've never been there, and...you don't talk.

Maggie: Are we there yet? (plucks a feather) Are we there yet? (plucks a feather)

Doofenshmirtz: Man, these guys are really annoying. Doncha think?

(Cut to an upside-down shot of Perry driving with bloodshot eyes.)

Doofenshmirtz: I'm right, aren't I? Annoying. Yeah, I'm right.

(Cut to Parenthesis' evil lair.)

Parenthesis: Beautiful lunchtime, at my secret lair, in the Grand Canyon. Ah, I'm starving.

(Parenthesis sits down at a table and uncovers a dish revealing an eye droplet, which he drips on his tongue.)

Parenthesis: Well, that was delightful. I couldn't eat another gram.

(An alarm system beeps.)

Parenthesis: Well, well. It appears someone has flown into my airspace. Perhaps we should send a welcome party.

(Cut back to the agent trainees.)

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, the Grand Canyon. It's nice. You got the Colorado River, you got the giant robot fleas. you got these nice red rocks right h— (gasps) Wait a second! The Colorado River?! I thought we were in Arizona! (gasps) And wait another second! Giant robot fleas?!? Yeah, those are definitely the attack drones of an evil scientist. Yeah, y-you're gonna wanna punch it.

(Perry sets his hovercar from "Fast" to "Really Fast" to "Punch It!" as they make their getaway. Harry gets into the pressurized space suit ready to fight. Maggie adjusts her fedora. Karen just sits there.)

Doofenshmirtz: All right! Nice one! Oh, let me help. We gotta have some weapons around. Wait wait wait, what does this lever do? (pulls the lever several times) No, no, no, that, uh, it doesn't...it doesn't seem to do anything. (Cut to reveal Perry's seat hitting him, revealing what it does.)

(Perry takes the seat that is hitting him and throws it at one of the fleas.)

Doofenshmirtz: Give me something to hit him with. (Takes the football helmet Karen is sitting in.) Thanks, Harry.

Karen: REEEEERR!

Doofenshmirtz: Take that!

Maggie: We lost the cat! We lost the cat!

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, relax. The cat's right... (realizes she's gone. Rotates his seat at the fleas.) Take that! And that! One for you, too! There you go! Uh-oh. Where's Harry? Oh, there he is! I see a bright future for that kid. Well, y'know, if we survive today. Oh, and there's Karen. Hi, Karen!

(A flea chomps on Perry's hovercar, and Doof and Perry jump out and land in the river. Cut to Parenthesis watching the hovercar crashing.)

(Cut back to OWCA Headquarters. The mind-controlled agents are walking around. Carl and Monogram are hiding in a vent.)

Carl: (whispering) The access vent won't take us any further.

Major Monogram: The hallway is crawling with compromised agents. We're gonna hafta do some creative sneaking, Carl. Follow my lead. (They sneak around.) The cobra. (They do a pose, while Agent C passes by, not noticing them. They start sneaking again.) Andalusian dog. (They pose again, while Agent F passes by.)

Agent F: Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit.

(They resume sneaking again.)

Major Monogram: Violin and candlestick. (They pose as Gary the Gander flies past them. They jump over some lamps and a desk chair offscreen.) Garden party.

Carl: (offscreen) Garden party?

Major Monogram: (offscreen) Just give me your ankles.

(Cut to the Bug Trio, who are adjusting some lamps.)

Napoleon: There. That should be sufficient wattage to illuminate us.

Wendell: Why do we wanna be laminated?

Napoleon: Not laminated. Illuminated. It means to have light shown upon us.

Wendell: Like a grape?

Napoleon: Yes. Like... Like a grape?

Wendell: Yeah, I saw a grape this morning.

Napoleon: And there was light shining on it?

Wendell: You saw it, too?

(beat)

Napoleon: Moving on. Do we have enough power for all these lights?

Wendell: Yup. We're all plugged into that plug collector thingy, and all we have to do is turn it on.

Napoleon: Well, let's do that then.

Wendell: Yes! And then we can all be laminated!

Napoleon: No, it's illu... You know what? Nevermind. Floyd, when we get up on the box, you throw that switch!

Floyd: I like laminated grapes.

(Cut back to Monogram and Carl in front of an emergency exit.)

Major Monogram: Come on, Carl. Let's get outta here! (he opens the door, but it is blocked) Carl, what the heck?!

Carl: Well, it never occurred to me that the emergency exit would be locked down, too.

Major Monogram: Isn't that something you should've checked before we crawled through all that duct work?

Carl: I suppose... but, I was... just having so much fun sneaking around with you.

Major Monogram: Actually, I was kinda havin' fun, too. Heh heh. Nevertheless, this isn't a situation to make light of.

(Cut back to the Bug Trio.)

Napoleon: Okay, Floyd. Make some light!

Floyd: (jumping off the garbage can onto the switch) Weeee.

(Cut back to Monogram and Carl as the light shines on them, blowing their cover.)

Act III
(Scene opens on the exposed Monogram and Carl.)

Major Monogram: Ooh! (chuckles) Uh, (points to his right) We went that way! (runs the other direction)

Carl: Heh heh heh... uhhhh... additional misdirect! (follows Monogram)

(The agents don't fall for it and chase after Monogram and Carl.)

Wendell: Floyd, focus the beam!

(Floyd points the magnifying glass in front of the lights, setting Napoleon and Wendell on fire.)

Floyd: Stop, drop, and roll, sir.

(Cut to the Grand Canyon, where the trainees are by the wreckage.)

Doofenshmirtz: Well, you know what they say. Any landing where you don't get stabbed with a fork is a good one. And I didn't get stabbed with a fork. Any of you guys? Hello? Harry?

Harry: (whistles)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, there he is. Impressive! Y'know, as, as evil lairs go, I give that, like, an eight. It looks like a classic mid-'60s megalomaniacal design. And the water feature is very nice. Fortunately, I know a thing or two about... (pull out to reveal Doof alone again) Sheesh! (Doof goes over to the others, who are looking at a scale model of the lair.) Oh, heh. Yeah, w-way to get the ball rolling there, Perry the Platypus. I-I see you're gonna use the... (looks at the manual) Standard Evil Fortress Infiltration Technique, or SEFIT. Man, these guys are really bad at acronyms. Good choice, though. Wh-What do I get to do? (stammers) What's my part? (Perry points behind Doof as he sees a coffee shop.) Oh, I'm the coffee guy. Good start. We're gonna need to stay sharp on this one.

(Doof runs over to the coffee shop. Cut back to the trainees. Perry now is showing figurines of all the animal agents and plotting what to do. Doof returns with the coffee.)

Doofenshmirtz: Okay, I'm back. Eh, who had the double espresso? (Harry takes it.) There you go. And a caramel macchiato. (Maggie takes it.) Maggie. And I guess that means that Perry the Platypus had the... Yes, the oolong tea, of course. And I got a scone, but it was like, five dollars. So I only got one. Oh, you got little figurines. There's Harry, and Maggie, and eh, where's my little guy? (Perry picks up a rock and paints a crudely-drawn Doof onto it.) Ah, that's sorta nice, it's... (Perry places Doof by the model of the coffee shop to make a point.) Oh, wh-wh-while you guys do that, I'll just be back...over... Alright, well, I guess I'll just be over... over here if you need me.

(Song: They Left Me Standing Outside)

(Oooooh,

Ooooh, whooo whooo

Oooh, yeah yeah, yeah)

They look so focused,

They're makin' plans.

They're talkin' strategy

That doesn't include me.

They made a model of a hideout,

Little figurines,

But now my little guy's got

Shattered dreams.

They don't want me, they don't need me

Now I'm all alone.

Sittin' with this coffee

And a five-dollar scone.

I could help, but my hands are tied.

They left me standin' outside.

(They don't want me.)

They left me standin' outside. (They don't need me.)

(They don't want me.)

Oh, they left me standin' outside. (They don't need me.)

(Ooooh, whooo whooo

Doofenshmirtz: I coulda helped. I understand the Standard Evil Fortress Infiltration Technique. Step one: Diversion.

(Cut to Parenthesis.)

Parenthesis: (to his robot fleas) Jason, Shirley, water is no longer coming out of my hole. Get down there and see what you can do about it.

Doofenshmirtz: (voiceover) Step two: Immobilization.

(Cut to Jason and Shirley looking at Karen as Harry speeds past them, knocking them over.)

Doofenshmirtz: Step three: Infiltration. They'll take them completely by surprise. They'll just walk right in the door past that giant lava lamp, and... Why would there be a giant? (record scratch) IT'S A TRAP!!

(The word "Duh" floats past Doof's head.)

(Cut to the Perry and the trainees inside the lair.)

Parenthesis: Ah, Perry the Platypus and friends. Right on time. Actually, you're a little early. (drops open the trap door) Ah, now you're on time!

(Cut to a dark room. Perry and the others are trapped inside a capsule, balancing on a cone.)

Parenthesis: Well, well, well, now that you're all bottled up, I'm free to go to OWCA for the culmination of my evil plan! In 28 minutes, my fleas will have worked their way into each agent's neuro-pathways. And then my mind control will be permanent! I will single-handedly take control of every OWCA agent! (to some fleas) Susan, Jim, Tracy, Connie, to the Parentho-Copter! (to the trainees) I hope you find my accommodations uncomfortable. (lights a wrecking ball on fire and releases it) And yes. Soon it will be worse.

(Pan down to reveal the room is rigged with explosives. Cut to Agent P and the others. He takes off his fedora, gets out his blowtorch, climbs on top of Harry and burns a hole through the top of the capsule. He starts to burn a hole through the bottom but Karen jumps on top of him.)

Karen: Meow!

(The capsule starts to drop down. Agent P burns a hole through one side. The side drops off and bangs onto one of the explosives.)

Doofenshmirtz: Aw, looks like you might need my help after all! Lucky for you I brought a rope, with a dreamcatcher on the end! That's what you call style! Anyway, alright, here, catch. (throws the dreamcatcher at Karen, but she pushes it off the edge) Uh, Karen, I don't think you're grasping this whole "grab the rope" concept. Can someone else get this one? (it gets tangled in the wrecking ball) Oh, great, now it's tangled in the... AAAAAHHHH!!! (The wrecking ball ends up in the capsule.) Wow! Did you guys see that? I almost got— Alright, minor setback. No problem. I'm just gonna have to come down there and get you myself. (Pushes a rubber raft through the door.) See, this is why I brought the raft.

(Cut to the trainees attempting to get out of the capsule. Cut to Doof hanging off the ledge.)

Doofenshmirtz: Okay, I might have a little bit of a pro— (falls down and ends up in the water. He gets on the raft but is surrounded by alligators.) Get back, you, before I get all Creole chef on you! (to the trainees) Come on, you guys! Jump! I gotcha! I gotcha! I got— (the trainees jump into the raft)

Karen: Reeeeeooww!

(Karen lands on Doof's feet.)

Doofenshmirtz: See? A cat always lands on my feet. Wait, nobody move. Here. (takes a selfie) That's goin' on my blog.

(The capsule cracks, and the shards land near the explosives.)

Doofenshmirtz: Well, uh, that can't be good.

(Perry takes the laser pointer and aims it at the end of the raft. Karen jumps to the laser and claws at the raft, sending it speeding away.)

Doofenshmirtz: Woo-hoo! Yeah! Woo-hoo! Woo! Woooo! I did it! I saved you guys and now we're safe! (some alligators land in their raft) Except for the fact that it's, you know, raining alligators. And secret lairs.

(The destroyed lair falls on the trainees.)

Act IV
(Scene opens on OWCA headquarters. Agent D surveys the hallways. Cut to Monogram and Carl hiding under a desk.)

Major Monogram: Good thing we found a hiding place, Carl. What is this? A dining room table or something?

Carl: It's a desk, sir.

Major Monogram: A desk we can both hide under? Whose office is this anyway?

Carl: It's mine, sir.

Major Monogram: Yours?! This is at least ten times bigger than my office!

Carl: Sir, that's not important now! We need to find a way to escape!

Major Monogram: And how do you rate your own bathroom?

Carl: It's actually a gym, sir.

Major Monogram: Is that a chocolate fountain?

Carl: Sir, listen. I got an idea. If we can get to the evacuation wing, we might be able to use one of the escape pods.

Major Monogram: What's up with the giant bear?

Carl: Oh. That was a gift from our contractor.

Major Monogram: That gives me an idea! But this conversation isn't over.

(Cut to a montage of Carl and Monogram making a disguise out of the bear, and the turn signals on Carl's bike.)

(Song: Friend Like Mine)

You might have sugar,

You might have spice

But ain't nobody's got a friend like mine.

Carl: I can't see back here, sir.

Major Monogram: You drew the short straw, Carl.

(Zoom in on the copy machine, where the Bug Trio is.)

Napoleon: Just a little higher. Ah, we've finally reached the summit. Come, gentlemen, it's time to get noticed!

Wendell: Oh, boy! Oh, sorry, Floyd, are you okay?

Floyd: Wendell, I've had an epiphany! In order for us to obtain our noble goal, we must evaluate the— (groaning) Ow.

Wendell: Sorry, Floyd, did you say something?

Floyd: I like trains.

Wendell: Oh, my! By my larva-making mother, would you look at that! It's like the floor is frozen, but it's warm. It's like warm ice. Did we discover this? We should call it "wice".

Napoleon: Actually, it's called glass.

Wendell: No. I think it should be some combination of warm and ice. Floyd, come take a look at this!

(Floyd hobbles his way over to the other two.)

Floyd: I need a face shoe.

Wendell: So, what's your plan, Napoleon?

Napoleon: Ah, it's quite simple, actually. We are standing atop a giant duplication device. A device that will not only copy our images, but will enlarge us as well. I simply need to program in the right size. Let's see. 200% enlargement. Okay, men, get on the glass platen, and get ready to be enlarged.

(Wendell and Floyd lie down on the glass.)

Wendell: All set, Napoleon!

Napoleon: And (jumps on the button) copy! Everyone smile for the camera. (The copier scans them) Excellent! Now we just have to wait for the toner to do its work.

Wendell Wow, it's a good thing that lid didn't fall on us. That would've hurt.

(The lid starts to creak, but then leans backward.)

Napoleon: Well, yes, Wendell, that was fortun—

(The electric fan from earlier appears out of nowhere and squishes the Bug Trio again.)

(Cut to Doof and the others walking away from the wrecked lair.)

Doofenshmirtz: Y'know, it, uh... It could've been worse. Uh, don't..don't all thank me at once. Knowing my talent has served my fellow agents is thanks enough.

(Cut to Perry opening the trunk of his hover car. Cut back to Doof with the others.)

Maggie: Rawk! Lousy rescue!

Doofenshmirtz: I wouldn't call it lousy, per se. A little off, maybe, but... Oh, come on. Harry the Hyena, it was a good rescue, wasn't it?

Harry: A-hee-ha-ha-ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha ha ha ha ha. Eh, heh heh... Eh... Nah.

Doofenshmirtz: Karen the Cat? Anything? Uh, no? What did you think of the rescue, Perry the— (Perry throws the training manual at Doof) Ow! (Perry takes off in his jet pack) Hey, Perry the Platypus, you're leaving us?!

(Harry and Maggie look at each other and agree to leave Doof as well.)

(Song: Bits of All of Us)

(The words '"TEAM WORK" float in front of Doof's face.)

Doofenshmirtz: (shooing the letters away) Knock it off! Hope that's not permanent. Oh, I get it! H-Hey, hey, you guys, come back. Come back! Now, let me just explain.

They say there is no "I" in teamwork,

But there's an "M" and there's an "E" (That's "me").

I mean, you can't have a team without individuals,

On that we can agree.

Wait a minute, guys. Bear with me just a second here, okay. Watch this, ready?

You take the "T" from the end of "Doofenshmirtz",

And the "E" from "Karen the Cat",

Harry has an "A" in it and Maggie's got an "M",

So we're a team, my friends. That's that.

Oh, that was easier than I thought it would be. If only we had a "W", we could spell out "teamwork".

Maggie: Macaw!

Doofenshmirtz: (gasps) That's right! "Macaw" has a "W" in it! So we can do it! Okay, here, from the beginning.

You take the "T" that's very deep in "Doofenshmirtz",

The "E" from Karen the Cat,

Harry's got an "A" in it and Maggie's got an "M",

So we're a team, my friends, that's that.

So "macaw" gives us a "W",

We get "O" from "ocelot" (That's me!)

We get an "R" from Harry and a "K" from Karen,

And teamwork's what we've got.

That's right! Teamwork's what we've got!

So we just need to work together,

Cooperate and trust,

Cuz there is no "I" in "teamwork",

But there are bits of all of us!

Okay, big finish!

So we just need to work together (Together!)

Cooperate and trust (And trust!)

There may be no "I" in "teamwork",

But there are bits (There are bits)

That's right there are bits (there are bits)

Of all of uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus!

Okay, now let's spell out "collaborative alliance".

There's a "C" in—

No, no, no, I'm just kiddin'! I'm kidding! Come on back! Hey, uh, guys, you, y-you forgot the cat. (to Karen) They forgot you. And you're the cat.

(Cut back to OWCA headquarters.)

Carl: There it is, sir! The escape pod!

Major Monogram: Great! Let's get outta here!

Carl: Okay, sir, but be careful. There's a huge set of stairs.

(They tumble down the stairs offscreen yelling and crash into an escape pod.)

Major Monogram: (sarcastically) Well, that went well.

Carl: Sarcasm isn't helping, sir.

Major Monogram: Aw, there we go— Aw, ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Carl: Okay, this button launches the escape pod.

(Cut to outside.)

Major Monogram: (offscreen) Uh, Carl, how does the escape hatch work with, you know, this whole lockdown thing?

Carl: (offscreen) Uhhh...

(The escape pod tries and fails to get out of the building, leaving dents everywhere.)

(Cut to inside. The destroyed escape pod opens up letting Monogram and Carl to slide outside and out of their disguise.)

Major Monogram: Owwwwwww.

(Cut to a garage door, which is opened by Parenthesis.)

Parenthesis: Well, well, well, Francis Monogram! It's hostile takeover time!

Major Monogram: Carl, how was he able to override the lockdown?

Carl: Well, it opens from the outside, sir.

Major Monogram: Ehhh.

Act V
(Scene opens on Monogram and Carl surrounded by Parenthesis, the fleas, and the corrupted agents.)

Major Monogram: Okay, you made your point, Parenthesis. Apparently, I didn't notice you in school. Sad story. Boo-hoo. But why are you here?

Parenthesis: I'm here to make your days the darkest of grays and your nights the blackest of black. I want to see your smug smile melt away like the candles on a sad little abandoned birthday cake.

Carl: Sounds like he's here to bore us to death.

Parenthesis: As soon as my mecha-fleas completely override your agents' natural instincts, I will release them out into the unsuspecting world, where they will wreak havoc. And all you'll be able to do is sit and watch as the people of the world grow to deride and despise Francis Monogram and his monstrous OWCA as much as I do!!

Carl: (to Monogram) How about now?

Major Monogram: No, I still don't remember him!

(Cut to the Bug Trio admiring their photocopy.)

Wendell: Wow, Napoleon, we're huge!

Napoleon: Yes, this is bound to get us noticed.

Wendell: So how do we get them to see it?

Napoleon: Well, it would be preferable if it were at their eye level.

Floyd: We could build a paper airplane.

Napoleon: If we could find a staple remover, some dental floss... Wait, Floyd, what did you say?

Floyd: I want a monkey?

Napoleon: No, what did you just say?

Floyd: I want a monkey.

Napoleon: What were the last words out of your mouth?

Wendell: Well, actually, those were the last words out of his mouth. You asked him, "What did you say?" And he said, "I want a monkey." He said it twice, if you count this last time.

Napoleon: Well, I...I... Okay, Floyd, immediately before you said "I want a monkey" twice...

Floyd: I don't want two monkeys.

Wendell: Is this about the face shoe?

Napoleon: Oh, forget it! We're making a paper airplane!

(Cut to Parenthesis's countdown clock, which is at less than seven minutes.)

Parenthesis: Almost out of time! The suspense is delicious, don't you think? (laughs)

(Monogram notices something moving at the balcony.)

Major Monogram: Hey, Parenthesis, I wouldn't get too comfortable if I were you. Heh heh.

Parenthesis: What?

(Perry swings on a chair carried by a rope, knocking down the fleas, releasing Monogram and Carl.)

Major Monogram: Nice upholstery job, Agent P! We got this guy. You take down Parenthesis.

Parenthesis: Agents, you know what to do.

Agent E: (trumpets)

(The agents fight Perry.)

Parenthesis: Excellent! Soon all this will be mine! First thing I'll do is put that sofa back there on the atrium where it belongs. Then I'll—

(Perry kicks Parenthesis' head off.)

Carl: Oh, my gosh!

(Parenthesis' head lands on the sofa revealing his wires, and his electronic body topples over.)

Carl: Does that mean what I think it means?

Major Monogram: No. It means Parenthesis was... a robot.

Carl: Alright. Well, now I'm confused. What did you think I thought it meant?

(Cut back to the Bug Trio.)

Napoleon: There. This seems aerodynamically sound.

Wendell: Now all we need is a big rubber band and two palm trees to launch us!

Napoleon: You watch way too much TV, Wendell.

Wendell: Oh, just the one show.

Napoleon: But, perhaps some form of propulsion would be beneficial. (Looks at the fan.) Hmmm.

Floyd: Uh, guys. (cut to reveal Floyd's head not attached to his body) I think I got a paper cut.

Napoleon: Uh, Wendell.

Wendell: I'll go get the gauze.

(Cut to Monogram picking up the robot's head.)

Major Monogram: Well, I guess that's that. We should get that remote device and... (looks inside the body) Whoa! (the robot body grabs Monogram, and pushes Carl, and Perry onto the sofa.) Oh, no, I can't. (The robot body lifts Monogram up in the air so he can see inside.) What?

(Close up to reveal Parenthesis is actually a small blue flea.)

Parenthesis: (laughs maniacally) Aloha!

Major Monogram: Wait. You're a flea?

Parenthesis: Recognize me now?

Major Monogram: Why would I recognize a flea?

Parenthesis: See? See? There's that attitude again! (A TV set with multiple mechanical arms pops out of the robot's body. The TV shows the flea's face.) You've always looked down your nose at me. Well, now, who's beneath who?

(The arms grab Carl, and Perry, but Perry escapes.)

Parenthesis: He's getting away! He'll ruin everything! Hold these, guys. Susan, Jim, Tracy, Connie, you're with me!

(They follow Perry.)

(Cut to the Bug Trio on the paper airplane powered by the fan.)

Wendell: Napoleon, how are you steering this?

Napoleon: I'm not, Wendell. We are at the mercy of the wind! YEEHAW!!

(Cut back to Perry, who makes his getaway on Carl's golf cart.)

Parenthesis: Get him!

(The Town Square Riot simulation activates.)

Parenthesis: Where did the platypus go? (gasps) Connie! There you go. Lemme just straighten your collar. To the freeway!

(The fleas chase Perry in the Fairway Assault simulation.)

Parenthesis: How about a little oncoming traffic, you portentous platypus?

(The simulation activates.)

Parenthesis: Yes! Finish him!

(Perry swerves through the simulation tipping a fake truck over.)

Parenthesis: What's this?

(The truck crashes into an exit sign ending the simulation. Perry makes his way to the Escape the Ancient Ruin simulation, but Parenthesis arrives there.)

Parenthesis: Here, little semi--aquatic mammal. Here, boy. Nowhere to turn now! Oh, look, I'm wearing glasses. I'm a hipster.

(Perry backs away from Parentheis and the others, and crawls into the carnival simulation.)

Parenthesis: Okay, end of the line, platypus! You've nowhere to... Oooh, cotton candy! Give me some of that!

(Just like in the beginning of the episode, Perry hides in the dunking booth.)

Parenthesis: Does anyone see him? He's small, teal, wears a hat. Oh, come on. How hard is it to find a small platypus in a carnival setting? Don't say it! I just heard myself.

(Perry sees a baseball thrown at the target launching the log flume.)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, yeah! Great throw, Harry!

Harry: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Maggie: (squawks)

(The swings launch.)

Parenthesis: Whoa!

(He crashes into the bumper cars, and the gates are driven by Harry and Doof.)

Maggie: Mmm, got it!

(Perry locks the other side.)

Doofenshmirtz: Woohoo!

Harry: Yeah!

(Perry walks up to the trainees smiling.)

Doofenshmirtz: Thanks for believing in your team, Perry the Platypus.

(He shows Perry the page of the manual showing the Carnival Caper simulation, which says, "Meet me here! P.")

Parenthesis: You think this cage can stop me?! (tears the gate off, grabs the agents and laughs) I have you now!

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, great! Karen's here! We're saved!

Maggie: We're dead!

Doofenshmirtz: Gwan, Karen, do your thing.

Parenthesis: Oh. I forgot the feline. Susan, Jim, Tracy, Connie, take the cat out.

Karen: Reeeeor!

(Cut to reveal Karen karate chopping all the fleas.)

Parenthesis: What?! No! You'll pay for that!

(A fight occurs between Karen and Parenthesis.)

Parenthesis: Wah! (gasps) My slipper! Ahh! NO!

Karen: (screeches)

Parenthesis: Hey! Ow! Aw! Ow! (sighs) Oh, well, you guys do work well together. But to no avail. I may be boo-boo'd and bruised, but I still have control over OWCA's agents! Ha! And it all becomes permanent in just five more seconds! (something is heard falling from the sky. It is the fan falling on Parenthesis.) AAAAAAH!!

(Cut to the Bug Trio on the airplane.)

Wendell: Hey, Napoleon, our motor came off.

(Cut back to Parenthesis still screaming. His remote is destroyed ending all the fleas' control over the agents, who let go of Monogram and Carl, feeling embarrassed. Cut back to the destroyed Parenthesis robot.)

Doofenshmirtz: (gathering the flea with tweezers) And gotcha!

(Doof drops the flea into a pill capsule, which is sealed closed by Perry.)

Major Monogram: Well done, team! You've earned those black hat bands. You are now officially OWCA agents!

(The agents applaud them.)

(Cut to the Bug Trio.)

Wendell: Look, Napoleon. They got to be agents.

Napoleon: Yes, and not us. (The plane begins to plummet.) Whoa! (sighs) We should take this as a sign. (takes up a violin) Bugs are not meant to be agents. (plays "Nearer My God to Thee") Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure serving with you. (The wind carries them off.) Whoa!

(Cut to Doof.)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, hey, now that we're agents, when do I get to use this thing? (launches a rocket launcher) Whoa! (The rockets crash into the OWCA headquarters.) Oops, sorry.

Major Monogram: Carl?

Carl: There's still money in the budget, sir.

(Cut to the Bug Trio still alive.)

Napoleon: I don't believe it! We've landed safely! I take this as a sign! We will be the best agents that OWCA has ev—

(The building explodes.)

It's the OWCA Files (yeah!)

(the OWCA Files)

It's the OWCA Files

(the OWCA Files)

It's the OWCA Files (the Organization Without a Cool Acronym!)

(the OWCA Files)

It's the OWCA Files

(the OWCA Files)

End Credits
(Open on the newly restored Flynn-Fletcher house. Cut to inside. The family are having dinner. After a few seconds of silence, Phineas looks under his plate.)

Phineas: Are these new plates? I mean, they look the same, but it feels as though they were replaced by exact copies.

(beat)

Ferb: Yes, and the tree in our backyard is now a pine.

(Cut to outside revealing the iconic tree replaced by a pine tree.)