Urban Ed

''[Jonny is sitting and thinking. Something occurs to him, and he moves a chess piece.]'' Jonny: "Checkmate!" Plank: Jonny: "Boy, Plank, you sure have lost your finish." [A trashcan lid lands on the board.] Eddy: "That's home plate, and here's the banana." Jonny: "Banana?" Eddy: "Run, Jonny, run!" Jonny: [running] "Um, okay. Where to?" [He runs into a tree which has a target painted on it.] Eddy: "Hit the bullseye, Jonny! Squeeze the banana and hit the bullseye! Do it, hurry! Hit it! Hit it!" [Jonny does as requested.] Eddy: [dragging him away] "What are you waiting for? Here's the peas, and here's the straw!" [He pours a bag of peas into Jonny's mouth and sticks a straw in.] "C'mon, Jonny, get the lead out! Shoot the balloons! Shoot the balloons!" [Ed is floating in the air, suspended by four balloons.] "Don't look at me! Shoot the balloons!" Jonny: [upon hitting the two frontmost balloons] "Oh, boy!" Eddy: "Don't drop the marshmallows!" [Marshmallows fall into Jonny's arms.] "Quit looking at me! Hurry, Jonny, move it!" Jonny: [running] "What do I do, Eddy?" Eddy: "Feed Double D. Feed him Jonny, hurry!" ''[Edd is carrying a tuba. Jonny fires away at it, not getting any in the tuba.]'' Eddy: "That-a-boy Jonny!" Jonny: "Wa-hoo-hoo!" Eddy: "Touch home plate! Touch it! Touch it!" Jonny: "I see it, Eddy!" Eddy: "Go! Run! Hurry!" The Eds: "Run Jonny run!" [Jonny dives for the plate but comes up short.] Eddy: "Touch it! Touch it!" Edd: "Hurry Jonny, touch home plate!" Ed: "Go Jonny go!" Eddy: "What are you looking at?" Edd: "You're almost there Jonny!" Ed: "Aw, look at Jonny crawl!" Eddy: "Touch it!" [Jonny crawls to home plate and touches it.] Jonny: "I did it!" Eddy: [holding out a jar] "Quick, put a quarter in the jar, Jonny!" The Eds: "Hurry, Jonny, hurry!" [Jonny just stares, uncomprehending.] Eddy: "Put the quarter in the jar!" ''[The Eds continue to encourage him. Jonny stands up with the jar.]'' Jonny: "Nice try, Eddy." [He hands Eddy the jar back.] Ed: "I helped too, Jonny. I was the balloon guy!" Edd: "Perhaps we should design a game for Rolf." Eddy: "What's the use? Look at him, hanging laundry. Boring. And Kevin's fixing his bike–snoresville. Nazz is lounging, and the twerps are playing blocks. Did I mention Nazz lounging?" Ed: "What a gaggle of sad-sacks." Edd: "It's the curse of suburban living, Eddy. We're just too distant from the hustle and bustle of the big city." Eddy: "I love the city! If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere!" Edd: "Let's not forget the potpourri of urban culture! Museums, theater, and my favorite, libraries." Ed: [bumping into Edd, knocking him off his tricycle] "Oh, and when you bump into cars they go 'Whoo! Whoo! Barp! Barp!'" Eddy: "You can make big bucks in the big city." Ed: "Let's drive to the city, fellas!" Edd: "We're too young to drive, Ed." Ed: "My dad has a shovel!" Eddy: "Well I say if we can't go to the city, let's bring the city to the cul-de-sac." Edd: "I suppose I should find some tape." Ed: "Not to mention a duck."

[Rolf is finishing the laundry.] Rolf: "Ahh. The merciless beating with a stick has cleansed Nana's pantaloons, fresh." [Strange noises are heard.] "What is this that fouls the calm of the cul-de-sac?" Kevin: [shouting] "Hey, Rolf! Your dad shearing sheep again? Keep it down!" Rolf: "This sound is a mystery to Rolf, as is your mockery of my father's leisure delight." Sarah: [stepping out of Jimmy's house] "Hey! Keep it down or I'm calling the cops!" [She stalks over.] "How are we supposed to play with all this racket?!" Jimmy: "I think it's coming from the lane!" Kevin: "I bet those Eds are up to something."

Kevin: [looking into the lane] "Awesome." Nazz: "We've got our own city!" [The Eds have indeed been busy; a cardboard city named Edtropolis has been built in the lane.] Rolf: "Ya ya." Kevin: "Hoo, rah. The dorks did something cool for once." Sarah: "Everything's so big and tall!" Jimmy: "Let's stroll down the boulevard of dreams!" Jonny: [offscreen] "No, wait!" [The kids turn to look.] "Don't go in there!" Rolf: "Look!" Jonny: "The city's a bad place, the city's scary and smelly. It's true! Ask Plank." [The kids ignore him and go past.] "City people ignore you, they're too busy, and walk right past you without even so much as a howdy-do." [He realizes he's alone.] "Huh? Guys? Didn't you hear what I said?" [The kids disappear into the city.] "Boy, Plank, ever feel like you might as well be talking to a piece of wood?" [Plank is gone.] "Plank? Plank? Not you, too!"

Jimmy: [walking, with the other kids, through the city] "I'm tingly all over!" Sarah: "I've never been to the city!" Rolf: [talking to cardboard people] "Good day Mrs. Lady. Hello Mr. Fancypants. Greetings city stranger." Kevin: "They're cardboard, Rolf. Get a grip."

[A traffic light made of a milk carton is seen.] Sarah: "Go!" [The traffic light switches to stop.] Rolf: "What barbarian would hang the milk box from a string?" Sarah: "Geez, Rolf, that's a traffic signal." [A car horn shatters the conversation.] Eddy: [pretending to drive] "C'mon, I ain't getting any younger. Move it." Sarah: "Eddy, if you blow that horn one more time–" [Eddy honks again and speeds off, raising a cloud of dust.] Kevin: "What the–get back here, dork!" Rolf: [choking on the exhaust] "The city air is thick, like Nano's toenail." Jimmy: [enveloped in a cloud] "Where'd everybody go?" Kevin: "Wait'll I find that dork." Ed: [pretending to be a truck] "Beep beep!" [He speeds past the kids.] "I'm a truck, ten-four. Veering on your crumpet, thing." Kevin: "They're just trying to bug me. And it worked!" ''[He runs after Ed. He doesn't get far, however, as he runs into Edd. Edd has an airbag, and it inflates to many times Edd's size.]'' Kevin: "You cut me off, Double Dweeb!" Edd: "I beg to differ, Kevin. My safety bag would not have deployed if you hadn't rear-ended me." Rolf: "I cannot see past Ed-boy's swollen back!" Eddy: "What is this, a funeral? Let's go, Grandma!" [Eddy honks his horn, and Ed trundles up to the intersection.] Edd: "Stay calm. Ignore the peanut gallery." [The light changes.] Jimmy: "Don't stop." Rolf: "Yes, go." [Edd makes a hand signal that can't be seen by anyone behind him.] Sarah: "Look out!" Kevin: "This guy's a hoot." Edd: "Can you see my hand signal? Because I'm about to make a turn." Kevin: "That's it. Stand back, folks." [He picks Edd up and stuffs him between two buildings.] "Road rash!" Ed: "Smokey's on my tail!" [He drives past.]

[Jonny is wandering the bad side of town.] Jonny: "Plank? Oh Plank? Where are ya, buddy?" [A voice beckons him from an alley.] Man in Alley: "Hey. Jonny boy. S'matter?" [Eddy steps out.] "Looking for something?" Jonny: "Plank ran off, Eddy. He's all alone in this cardboard jungle! Have you seen him?" Eddy: "Hmm. Plank, Plank, Plank. About this tall, smiles a lot?" Jonny: "You saw him?" Eddy: "I can't seem to remember." [He pulls a jar out of his pocket.] "How's about refreshing my memory, huh?" Jonny: [getting violent] "DID YOU SEE HIM OR NOT?!" Eddy: [cowering] "Nope. Haven't seen him. Beats me." Jonny: [continuing the hunt] "Plank? Oh Plank?" Eddy: "How's a guy supposed to make a living?"

[Jimmy is dancing in the streets.] Jimmy: "Bright lights and skyscrapers, whee! Pinch me Sarah, I'm dreaming!" [Sarah is nowhere around.] Jimmy: "Sarah?" [to the cardboard people] "Pardon me, have you seen my friend Sarah? Sir? Too many people!" [In his head, he hears the people all laughing at him.] Jimmy: "I feel so congested!" [distracted] "Oh look, a shoe store." [He skips away.]

[Kevin is reading a copy of Bikini Babes.] Kevin: "Aw, here we go." Edd: "Shine your shoes, citizen?" Kevin: "What?" Edd: [placing a cardboard box on the ground] "Foot, please." Kevin: "Yeah, yeah, fine." [He puts his foot on the box.] Edd: [shining the shoes] "We certainly have been having some fine weather, haven't we, sir?" Kevin: "Enough small talk, what's the damage?" Edd: "The customer's always right! All done. That'll be 25¢." [Kevin drops a bottle cap into his palm.] Edd: "Um, Kevin, you seem to have given me a bottle cap." Kevin: [walking away] "Life in the big city, pal." [He laughs.] Edd: "Kevin seems to have adapted quite well." [Nazz walks by, carrying several boxes; she has shopped the afternoon away.] Edd: "May I help you with those?" Eddy: [from atop a building, imitating a pigeon] "Coo coo coo, coo!" Ed: [next to Eddy] "Oink oink!" Eddy: [scooping out a spoonful of yogurt] "Pigeons don't go oink, Ed." Ed: "I'm a gazelle! Oink!" [The yogurt drops.] Edd: "Nazz, wait!" [He pushes an unaware Nazz out of the way of the dive-bombing.] Nazz: "Hey you!" Edd: [realizing what he's done] "Oh my." Nazz: "What do you think you're–" Edd: "Look out!" [He pulls her away from another bomb.] Eddy: "Coo, coo!" Ed: [picking up an anvil] "Quack quack!" [He drops the anvil into the street.] Eddy: "Ed, you're gonna hurt somebody! This ain't a cartoon!" Nazz: [managing not to notice the falling mayhem] "Double D, let go!" [Edd pulls her away from more yogurt.] "Get off!" [She pushes him off and karate-chops Edd's back.] Edd: [in pain] "Curse my chivalrous ways."

Jonny: "Come out, come out, wherever you are!" [He steps in some yogurt.] "For crying out loud!" [He hears a car's roar.] Jonny: "Plank! My buddy!" ''[Plank is driving a wagon. Jonny has to leap out of its way.]'' Jonny: [despairing] "Plank! Look what the city's done to you. Plank!"

Sarah: [waiting in a line with Nazz] "Lineups. And more lineups. What's with all the lineups?!" Nazz: "That's what you do in the big city, Sarah. Ohhh my–" Sarah: "Jimmy?" [Jimmy has gone off and gotten a snake tattooed on his face.] Jimmy: "I got a tattoo, Sarah!" Nazz: "Is that what this line is for?" Jimmy: "Only 25¢ at Ed's Tattoo Parlur!" [Ed is tattooing an ear of corn on Kevin's back.] Kevin: "Get on with it, dork." Eddy: "Cry me a river." Sarah: "Hey! You butted in line, Rolf! Get lost!" [She goes over and starts to pound on him.] Rolf: "Have mercy, rabid youth!" Jimmy: "Sarah's in trouble, and needs the help of the boy with the snake on his face!" [He hisses and heads into battle.] Rolf: "Assistance, please!" [Sarah tosses him to the ground.] Eddy: "Security! Break it up, will ya?" Edd: [nervous] "But Eddy, situations such as these tend to work themselves–" Eddy: [pushing Edd] "Get out there! They're scaring our customers." Rolf: "Mama, salvage Rolf!" [Sarah brings a cardboard person down on him.] Edd: [not involving himself in the fight] "People, please, control your–" Sarah: "Jimmy, careful of his hairy back!" [She goes to help.] "Hold him for me." ''[The fight seems to be climaxing when it suddenly stops. Jonny is in the middle of the warring parties.]'' Nazz: "Hi Jonny."

Kevin: "Oh yeah? Well what's two plus two?" Eddy: "Hey hey hey! Any of that crystal ball stuff'll cost you extra." [seeing Jonny] "Hiya, Jonny. Wanna tat?" Jonny: "Your city's corrupted the mind of my pal Plank! Surrender, urban fiend!" [He leaps at Eddy and begins to thrash him.] Eddy: "Help, I'm being mugged!" [Jonny runs away with the money jar.] "Did you see that? That bald kid took my money!" Sarah: "Tell someone who cares." Eddy: "Ed, do something!" Ed: "Can I cater a party?" [Eddy growls and heads out after Jonny.]

[Jonny climbs up the side of a building until he reaches the top.] Sarah: "What's he doing?" Jonny: "You better find my Plank!" Edd: "We'll need some time, Jonny!" Jonny: "What?" Eddy: [on the building as well, having followed him up] "Jonny, wait!" Jonny: "Back off, Eddy, or it's curtains for your dirty money!" [He dangles the open jar over the side of the building.] Eddy: "Don't even kid about something like that!" [Spotlights hit Jonny.] Edd: [using a traffic cone as a megaphone] "Hey, you up there! Yes, you! With the jar. Someone wants to talk to you." [Edd places the cone in front of Plank.] Jonny: "Plank, is that you?" Eddy: "See? Plank's okay. Now about that jar, pal." Jonny: "Shush. What?" Plank: Jonny: "Really? You think I should?" Eddy: "Should what? What?" [Jonny hands the money jar's lid to Eddy.] Plank: Jonny: "Okay, you brat, you!" [Jonny hops down onto the next level, tossing the jar in the air and letting it spin.] Eddy: "Jonny, no!" ''[Eddy makes a grab at the jar. He catches it upside down. All the money pours out onto the street.]'' "My money!" Kevin: "Scrambles!" Rolf: "Rolf is pleased." [The other kids join in and grab all the money.] Eddy: "Hey don't touch that! Put it down!" ''[Eddy jumps, and the roof collapses. The other boxes quickly follow suit, folding into one another. Eddy squeezes out the front door.]'' Eddy: "That's city property!" [Having collected all the money, the kids scatter, leaving Ed and Edd lying on the ground.] Edd: [dazed] "You're welcome." Eddy: [hauling Edd to his feet] "Double D, tell me you saved some, tell me we're okay!" Edd: "Eddy. It was horrible, Eddy! Look what they did to my shirt!" Eddy: [releasing Edd] "AAARGH!" [He leaps on Ed.] "Okay, lummox, did you get any coins? Did you, huh?" Ed: "Yeah, I got a bunch!" Eddy: "Thattaboy, Ed! Gimme gimme gimme!" [Ed holds up a worm.] Eddy: "A worm?" Edd: "Ironic, don't you think?" Ed: [leaning on one of the buildings] "I was too fast for them, Eddy." ''[The building suddenly slips and slides to the left. It hits another building, which topples into another. The collisions build in momentum until the city goes down like dominoes.]'' Eddy: "My city!" Ed: "Dominoes! Let's do it again! Here, hold this." [He drops the worm down Eddy's shirt.] Eddy: "Ed! I don't want it! Double D! Get a net! It's crawling!" Edd: [giggling] "You know, Eddy, ceaseless toil and broken dreams are the essence of urban living."

[Jonny is riding through the ruined city with Plank in Plank's wagon.] Jonny: "Ahh. Take a deep breath Plank, you can smell peace, love and tranquility!" Plank: Jonny: "I missed you too, buddy! But if you ever do that again, I'll glue you to a rock!" Plank: Jonny: "It's a joke, Plank!" [He laughs.]