Liar Liar

LIAR LIAR

Written by                      Tom Shadyac & Mike Binder

Rough draft, April 1996

INT. FULGHAM KINDERGARTEN -- WEDNESDAY MORNING

Two dozen KINDGERGARTNERS listen to their teacher, MS. BERRY. The word "Work" is on the blackboard.

MS. BERRY "Work." Today we're going to                   share what our parents do for work. QUICK CUTS of a series of five-year olds standing beside their desks, addressing the class:

JEFF My dad is a truck driver.

MELINDA My mommy is a doctor.

CAROLYN My dad is a librarian and my                   mom is a vegetarian.

THEODORE (with difficulty) My father is a struck-sher-al- engine-ear.

CRAIG    - My mother is an actress. She works at Denny's.

KELLY My daddy works at a place where they make stuff, and my                   mommy is a mommy.

ELLIOT (looking a little

CRAZED)                   My father is a postal worker.          The QUICK CUTS end with MAX:

MAX My mom's a teacher. As Max starts to sit:

MS. BERRY And your dad?

MAX

(HESITANT) My dad? He's. . . a liar.

MS. BERRY (taken aback)

A liar? I don't think you mean "a liar."

MAX Well... he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge and--

MS. BERRY

(RELIEVED) Oh! I see-- you mean he's a                       lawyer.

Max shrugs.

INT. COURTROOM .-- DAY

FLETCHER REID, early 30's, stands before the JUDGE. His manner is utterly genuine and convincing.

FLETCHER A dark street. . . a stormy night... two desperate men struggle... one man is taken to the hospital, the other to                       ja il. The prosecutor wants you to believe this is an                       open-and-shut case of a poor man, brutally victimized. He nods at the victim - - a fragile OLD MAN in his 70's.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                       Well, for once I agree with t he prosecutor. This is an                       open-and shut case -- but the true victim is my client. Fletcher's CLIENT is a 250 pound brute in a suit.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                       Put yourself in his shoes for a moment--walking home from church, alone, in a                       frightening part of the suburbs. As he describes his client's movements, Fletcher ACTS THEM

OUT:

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                   You're nervous, timid, looking over your shoulder -- when suddenly, you encounter him-- (pointing at the                          old man) pouncing from the shadows. You quiver in fear. The streetlight flashes on                   something shiny in his hand-- a knife?

Suddenly Fletcher becomes the attacker, brandishing a         weapon. The jurors RECOIL.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                   And in that terrifying instant you do what any respectable citizen would -- you defend y ou rse lf. Only after you shatter his arm and collarbone do you realize it's all a                   mistake... the man was merely walking away from an ATM machine, the apparent flash of                   metal caused by his bank card. He reveals the weapon in his hand is only a credit card.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)

(CONCERNED) As you stand over his crumpled, though potentially still-dangerous form, your he art goes out to him. You want to help. First, you gather up the many bills he                   dropped, to stop them from bl owi ng away. Second, in an                   effort to get the name and number of someone to notify, you take his wallet. Finally, you leap into the man's Lexus to head for assistance, when suddenly a police car speeds up. You breathe a sigh of                   relief: "Someone to look -after                    the injured man! Oh joy!" But do the police applaud your initiative? Do they hail your heroism? No-- they arrest you and throw you in the slammer! He walks along the jury box:

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                 · And why? Why does the State turn its massive power against this individual? (takes an

IMPRESSIVE moment, then answers his own

QUESTION:)                  Discrimination,                         (to a black

JUROR)                  But this time it's not based                   on race.                         (to a female

JUROR)                  Not based on gender.                         (to a man wearing a crucifix)                  Not based on religion,                         (to a heavy set

JUROR)                  No--this time it's                   discrimination based on size!                 . I know what the prosecution                   wants you to think - - i t ' s                   always the big guy's fault.                   Is that what we've come to as                   a society -- persecuting                   people because they're large?          Fletcher points accusingly at the opposition.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                  Shame on you, Mister Prosecutor! Shame on you! (turning back to

JURY)                  The state is trying to                   barbeque my client on the spit                   of Justice. Only you can douse                   the flames. The decision is                   your s. And please...don't let                   your emotions run away with                   y ou . The fact that my client                   is a family man, raising his                   sons alone after the tragic                   death of their mother, has                   absolutely no bearing on this                   case.          In the front row we see two sad-faced YOUNG CHILDREN.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                   Instead, let cold reason be                    your guide as you decide the fate of this church-going, orphan-rasing widower! Fletcher returns to his seat. Jurors, dab their eyes.

EXT. COURTHOUSE -- AFTERNOON

Fletcher bounds down the stairs, passing a fellow LAWYER,

LAWYER How's it going, Fletcher?

FLETCHER (he' s won) Another gratifying day serving Justice. Fletcher's huge client catches up to him.

CLIENT Hey great job, Mr. Reid. I                   wish there was some way I                    could show my appreciation.

FLETCHER Stay out of my neighborhood after dark. A PUBLICIST carrying, a clipboard approaches Fletcher.

PUBLICIST Mr. Reid, do you have a · moment-?

FLETCHER No, I'm late picking up my                   son.

PUBLICIST -Because a couple of reporters want to interview you about your big win today. Fletcher instantly shifts directions.

FLETCHER   .. How's my hair? And he's off to woo a GANG OF REPORTERS.

EXT. SUBURBAN PORCH - AFTERNOON

A sad Max and his mother, AUDREY, wait silently on the steps.

MAX What time is it?

AUDREY (checks her

WATCH)                   I ' m sure he just got tied up                    in court again.          Finally, Fletcher's BMW pulls up. Max races to him,          delighted.

MAX Dad!

FLETCHER Maximillian! (calls out a

COMMAND)

TRANSFORMERS!! .         Fletcher instantly becomes a human version of the TRANSFORMER TOY making ROBOTIC MOVEMENTS and SOUNDS. Max knows the routine well, moves in perfect sine with dad. . ...         Until --.

FLETCHER Malfunction in vector 3 ! !                   Malfunction in vector 3!! (pretends to lose                          control of a                           'robotic' arm) Look out! It's on tickle mode!! Fletcher's "mechanical arm" becomes CLAW-LIKE, TICKLING MAX like crazy! Max loves it. Audrey watches these two kids, smiles.

FLETCHER (re: Audrey) And who is this lovely lady? Max, could you introduce me?

MAX That's no lady, that's mom!

AUDREY. ·                   Thanks, Max.

·  FLETCHER Mom? !                         (under his

BREATH)                   Himnm. . . I don't remember her                    looking that good,                          (becomes the robot again)                   Malfunction in Vector 4!                    Malfunction in Vector 4!          Fletcher's other robotic arm becomes a "pincher", comes          after Audrey.

AUDREY

(PLAYFULLY) Keep Vector 4 away from me. Unless you want Vector 4 chopped off.

FLETCHER You know, you were much easier when we were married... (re: her luggage) So where are you off too?

AUDREY Stanford. I'm delivering a                   paper.

FLETCHER O h really? Where I live, we                   use a boy on a bike.

MAX Hey mom, dad's taking me to                   see wrestling!

AUD REY

(MILDLY

PROTESTING)                   Oh, Fletcher!

FLETCHER

(PLAYFULLY                          mimicking her) Oh, Audrey!

AUDREY Do you have to take him to                   tho se things? They're so                   violent.

Fleccher IMITATES the familiar wise, old INDIAN CHIEF DAN

GEORGE.

FLETCHER/DAN GEORGE The boy must learn the way of                   the war rior. An d wh o be tter to teach him than Rowdy Rod-. Piper and Big John Stud? Audrey can't help but LAUGH.

FLETCHER/DAN GEORGE He must be schooled in the way of the face-claw, the sleeper- hold, and the purple nuxple. For only then--

AUDREY

(PLAYFULLY) Shut up!!

FLETCHER/DAN GEORGE (to Max) The squaw will never understand us. A HORN HONKS. It's the good-natured, affable JERRY. Max runs up to him.

JERRY Max, my man! Jerry gives Max "five", then kisses Audrey on the lips.

JERRY Fletcher, good to see you?

FLETCHER What? No kiss for me?

JERRY (re: luggage) What do you say, Max? Give me                  a hand? Fletcher grits his teeth as Jerry gives Max a piggyback ride to get the luggage.

FLETCHER (to Audrey) I didn't know the boyfriend was going.

AUDREY Jerry. His name is Jerry and yes, he's going. Audrey heads inside.

INT. HOUSE - DAY                          ·.

Audrey enters, shuts the blinds.

FLETCHER T o Stanford? Overnight? Does this mean you two are... (cringes, can't                              say the words)

AUDREY I've been seeing him seven months, what do you think?

FLETGHER I was hoping that after being married to me, you'd have no                       more strength left.

AUDREY . Well you have to remember when we were married, I wasn't                   having sex nearly as often as                    you were.

FLETCHER MEDIC!! I've been hit.

/-

EXT. HOUSE - DAY          '           ·   '

Audrey locks up.

FLETCHER Well, great... I'm so happy for you two. I am just Mister H appy man. Happy, happy, happy.

AUDREY Relax, Fletcher. It looks like Jerry's taking that job offer in Boston. Fletcher turns sincere.

FLETCHER Aud, I am so sorry...

Behind her back, he FLAILS in celebration. She glances back... He stops, whistles innocently.

JERRY (calling to

AUDREY)                   Ready?          Audrey and Jerry say goodbye to Max.    They get in his          Explorer.

FLETCHER (to Audrey) Yo u gonna be okay? Because if                   not, we could leave Max with your sister and I could go out with you two, does that appeal to you at all? They drive off.

FLETCHER Wave to the soon-to-be ex- boyfriend, Max. (flipping Max the

KEYS)                   You drive.

INT. BMW - AFTERNOON'- MOVING

Fletcher is driving, Max beside him.

MAX Dad, are we really going to go                   to wrestling?

FLETCHER Absolutely, Maxattacker. We                   just have to stop by the office for one minute. Max SIGHS. He's heard this before.

EXT. SKYSCRAPER - AFTERNOON

Establishing the headquarters of ALLAN, STEWART &

KONIGSBERG. As they head inside, Fletcher and Max pass a BEGGAR.

BEGGAR 'Scuse me, sir. Do you have any change?

FLETCHER (patting his

POCKETS)                   'Fraid not. Sorry.

INT. SKYSCRAPER LOBBY - AFTERNOON

Fletcher grabs The Daily Journal, paying for it with a         HANDFUL OF CHANGE. His son takes this in. On their way to the elevators Fletcher and Max pass PHILIP, a dweebish bore.

PHILIP Fletcher!

FLETCHER Philip!

PHILIP And this must be Max!

FLETCHER (trying to brush                        him off) . Yes. Yes it is. Well, it was good seeing you-- Fletcher starts off with Max, when Philip calls after him.

PHILIP You know, Ethel and I had a                   blast at our last little get- together.

FLETCHER Oh, me too. I can never get enough of charades. We'll                   have to do it again sometime. Fletcher heads into an open elevator... only to find the door's closing impededby Philip's foot.

PHILIP When?

FLETCHER Soon. The door again begins to close... when Philip stops it.

PHILIP How 'bout tonight?

FLETCHER Not that soon. I'm taking Max to see wrestling--

PHILIP We love wrestling. We could--

FLETCHER I don't think so. See, Max is                   really shy around strangers. Max looks up at Fletcher. He isn't.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                   Tell you what -- give me your card as a reminder. I'll call y o u. Soon. Promise.

PHILIP Great! Philip hands him his card just as the door closes.

INT. ELEVATOR - AFTERNOON

Max watches as his father TEARS PHILIP'S CARD IN TWO.

INT. RECEPTION AREA OF LAW OFFICES - AFTERNOON

The receptionist, JANE, greets them. Jane has an ODD, UNATTRACTIVE HAIRDO. A large GIFT BASKET is on her desk.

JANE Hi, Mr. Reid. (indicates, her

HAIR)                   What do you think?

FLETCHER Fabulous! I love it. (indicates the                    ·

BASKET)                   What's this?

JANE I don't know who sent it. But it's for Mr. Allan. It's his anniversary.

FLETCHER Ah... The Partnership Committee meeting still scheduled for Friday?

JANE (as she goes) Yep... Fletcher quickly removes a gift card from his pocket, scribbles on it, puts it in place of the one already there

MAX What are you doing?

FLETCHER Oh, I'm... fixing the card, (shows him the                          old card) Look, they spelled Mr. Allan's                   name wrong. Have an apple.

INT. MIRANDA'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON

...Where a troubled FRED RAND is talking to MIRANDA, a         beautiful, steely partner.

FRED I can't do it.

M IRANDA Fred, it's your duty to                   present the strongest case possible.

FRED The strongest case possible, consistent with the truth.

MIRANDA Let the Judge decide what's                  true. That's what he gets paid for. You get paid to                  win.

FRED If you insist on my taking it                  to trial, I'll represent Mrs.                   Cole aggressively and ethically. But, Miranda -- I                  won't lie. Miranda looks out her window, calculating.

MIRANDA Then we'll just have to find someone who'will.

INT. HALLWAY OF LAW OFFICES -- AFTERNOON

Fletcher strides through the hallway with Max, calling out GREETINGS to his colleagues.

FLETCHER Hey, Pete! Great tie! ·.         Max looks at PETE, -whose fashion-disaster tie startles him.

FLETCHER Thomas--looks like you're                   losin' weight. THOMAS glances up from a file. Max notes that he's         corpulent.

THOMAS Gained three pounds.

FLETCHER (wedging past

HIM)                   On you, it works.

·         Fletcher arrives at his office. WE MEET his secretary, the fiftyish, .worldly-wise and world-weary GRETA.

GRETA ' M ax ! What's new?

.MAX Well. . . it's my birthday tomo rrow. We're having a                   party and everything. Flet cher's EYES WIDEN. He has clearly forgotten.

GRE TA                   I'm sure your dad'11 give you something wonderful. Fletcher tries to wave her off, awkwardly stopping when Max turns to him. .

MAX Yeah?

FLETCHER Oh, yeah. You're going to                   love it. Uh, why don't you play in my office for a                   minute? Fax something, sue someone, have a good time. We'll be leaving in a second.

Max heads into the office. Fletcher closes the door behind him turning it into a silly, two-handed wave.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                   Damn! I completely forgot.

GRETA Oh, there's a surprise. Greta produces a wrapped GIFT.

FLETCHER You're a saint. I should get you something.

GRETA You did. She holds up another, smaller package.

FLETCHER Ah. Well, I always do the classy thing. Any calls?

·         She hands him a stack of mail.

GRETA . Let's see.. .  ·

(CHECKING

MESSAGES)                   Judge Patterson's clerk. He                    needs your filing.

FLETCHER Tell him it's in the mail.

GRETA (jotting down a

NOTE)                   Right. You'll do it next                    week. Mr. McKinley phoned,                    questioning that fourteen                    hours you billed on Christinas                    Eve.

FLETCHER Write him a long, explanatory letter. Then bill him for the letter.

GRETA (jotting down a                       . note). ..                   Done. Your mother called.

FLETCHER I ' m on vacation.

GRETA This is your fifth week. .  ·.

FLETCHER It's a long vacation.

GRETA (jotting down a

NOTE)                   "Break mother's heart." Done.                    And that's it, except                    Miranda's looking for you.

FLETCHER (checking watch) As if I don't have anything better to do than bow and scrape at her royal perfumed p artner feet. Tell her I'm in                   court.

GRETA Court's closed.

FLETCHER Tell her I broke my leg and had to be shot.

GRETA

(WHISPERS) Why don't you tell her yourself? As Miranda approaches, Fletcher switches gears in an

INSTANT:

FLETCHER --And then send out a notice of judgement on my win today!

GRETA

(DRY) I'll get right on it. Fletcher turns -- and pretends to be surprised.

FLETCHER Miranda! I didn't see you. Hey, you look lovely, today. Here, I bought you a gift.

He grabs Greta's gift and hands it to Miranda.

MIRANDA Thanks. I heard about your victory today. You're making quite an impression on the partnership committee.

FLETCHER

(FEIGNING

PUZZLEMENT;

THEN)                   Oh, that's right. You folks                    are meeting again soon.                    "Allan, Stewart, Konigsberg,                    and Ried." There's something                    about the rhythm of fours.                    It's like a full measure.                    Well, anyway, I've got a                    client waiting in my office--

MIRANDA. Actually, something important h as come up. You're not busy tonight, are you? Before Fletcher answers, we:

CUT TO:

INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE - EVENING

A sad Max sits on Fletcher's big sofa. His heart sinks further when Fletcher enters. . . carrying two boxes of         documents.

MAX We're not going, are we?

FLETCHER Of course we are. A promise i s a promise. We are gonna see wrestling or my name isn't                   Fletcher T. Reid.

FLETCHER (to wrestler) Could you hand me that? (the wrestler

DOES)                   Thank you.                            (without looking

UP)                   We are having some fun, eh                    Maxer?          PUSH IN on Max; he isn't.

·INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Jerry paces. Audrey is on the phone, waiting. She notices Jerry pacing.

AUDREY Are you alright?

JERRY Uh, yeah, just, uh... how long are you gonna be on the phone?

AUDREY I just wanted to say good- night to Max, but he must still be out with Fletcher, (hangs up)

JERRY

(SUDDENLY) Will you marry me? She's SHOCKED.

I

AUDREY Uh...would I. . . ? What did you say?

JERRY

(NERVOUS) I proposed, I. . . Look, I know this Boston thing is a great opportunity, good job, mo ney .. . everything. But I                   started to think about being three thousand miles away from you and Max. And I didn't                   like it. I-- Look, I know it's a lot to ask, to move and everything, but I. . . . I love

you. I love your son. Will you marry me? She stares at him, excited, but nervous.

EXT. HIGH RISE APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING

Early morning outside Fletcher's building.

INT. FLETCHER'S STUDY - MORNING

Fletcher types on his computer. He's been up all night. He leans back, rubs his eyes. When he opens them he sees Max standing there in pajamas. Fletcher SMILES.

FLETCHER Max Factor... Happy birthday. How old are you today? T h ir t y ? Forty?

MAX Five.

FLETCHER Well, you've held up well. I                  only wish there was some way to commemorate such an                  occasion, some small symbol to                   mark this day, like.... Fletcher produces --

FLETCHER . . . A present! .

Max eyes it with wonder.

MAX What is it?

FLETCHER (no idea) It's... it's.                        (it hits him) a surprise. Max knows his father doesn't have a clue but he rips the box open, revealing, a BASEBALL, GLOVE, DODGER'S CAP, and

FULL MAJOR LEAGUE STYLE UNIFORM.

MAX Baseball stuff!

_J

FLETCHER Baseball stuff.

MAX (hugging his dad) Will you play catch with me?

FLETCHER           '·



Absorootentootenlutely. Max beams.

FLETCHER Tonight. After your party, you have my word on it. Max nods sadly as Fletcher turns back to his work.

EXT. JERRY'S CAR - MORNING

Jerry and Audrey are driving. Audrey's holding a couple of         airline tickets.

AUDR EY                           (re: tickets) Jerry, these are for tomorrow.

JERRY The company wants me to get started right away.

AUDREY I can't just pick up and move to Boston with two days notice.

JERRY Ju st come check it out. You a nd Max, see the town. Let's                . pick out a place together. Then, if you want to turn me                  down and scar me for life, fine.

AUDREY It's just not that simple...                  What about my job? I've been at UCLA three years.

JERRY It's New England. They're                  lousy with colleges. You can't swing a bat back there without hitting a college.

You'd get a job there in a                   second.

AUDREY There are other factors involved.

(POINTS) T here they are now. ·.         They pull up in front of Fletcher's building where Fletcher and Max are waiting. Fletcher's still reviewing a file. As Audrey gets out of Jerry's car, Max runs over.

AUDREY Did you have fun? How were the wrestling matches?

FLETCHER Big fun. Manly fun. Am I                   right, Maxie?

MAX

(HALF-HEARTEDLY) It was fun..

·

FLETCHER (re: Audrey) So how were the wrestling matches ? Did you have fun?

JERRY Max, my man! My happy birthday man! Max and Jerry exchange "fives" and'a hug. Jerry gives Max a light punch on the arm.

JERRY One-two-three-four-five... and one for good luck.

FLETCHER Did you see that? He struck the child!

MAX Look what dad got me! (shows the glove)

JERRY Whoa! Great! I have my glove in the car. We'll stop in the park on the way home and play c atch. Then tonight we'll oil

it, wrap a rubber band around it. . . It'll be great. (to Fletcher) Great birthday present, dad! Fletcher hates him. Jerry and Max go to Jerry's car.

FLETCHER         ·. (makes a fist) When is it his birthday?

AUDREY Some thing's come up. We need to talk.

MAX Mom, let's go. I want to                   play.

AUDREY (to Fletcher) We'll talk tonight.

·

FLETCHER Tonight?

AUDREY Max's birthday?

FLETCHER' Oh, yeah, right. Seven. I                   knew that. I did. I blocked it out weeks ago. The se ven tee nt h of May. Max's                   birthday.

AUDREY It's the eighteenth.

FLETCHER The seventeenth of May is the day I .remind myself that the eighteenth is Max's birthday. See you tonight. They drive away.

INT. MIRANDA'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Miranda, and Fletcher's new client, VIRGINIA COLE, an         alluring woman in her early thirties/ review the document he spent the previous·night putting together.

VIRGINIA This is good. This is really smart.

FLETCHER Thank you.

VIRGINIA Only i t ' s. . . Like not true. Every word of it is a lie. Fletcher and Miranda exchange glances.

VIRGINIA (CONT'D)                  I mean... isn't that a                  problem?

FLETCHER Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've                  provided years of faithful service and loving support, of                  raising his children -- They are his?

VIRGINIA H m ? Oh yeah. One for sure.

FLETCHER After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair share of the marital assets based on                  one single act of

]

INDISCRETION--

VIRGINIA Seven.

FLETCHER Hm?

VIRGINIA Seven single acts of                  indiscretion.

FLETCHER --Seven acts of indiscretion, only one of which he has any evidence of, and all of which he himself is responsible, for.

VIRGINIA He is?

FLETCHER Mrs. Cole, I stayed up all night last night studying your c ase. Not just your case...         b ut you. And, by now, I feel I know you. You are the victim here. The wife of a         cold, distant businessman. Starved for affection, driven into the arms of another man--

VIRGINIA Seven.

FLETCHER (not missing a

BEAT)         --Seven .other men. You're not          trying to deny him what is          r ig htf ull y his. All you're          insisting on is what is          r ig htf ull y yours. And maybe          an idgy-smidgy bit more. I          think you're bending over          backwards.

VIRGINIA Well, I did agree to give him j oint custody of the kids... (to Miranda) He's always been a good father.

FLETCHER And you've always been a good wife.

VIRGINIA (getting worked

UP)         Yeah. ..

FLETCHER There's such a thing as being t oo nice. That's why you need aggr essive representation. To         show the court that there is          more than one side to this st ory. All I'm asking is the opportunity to see that justice is done on your behalf. (takes her hand) Will you give me that opportunity?

He stares into her eyes. A moment, then...

VIRGINIA Yes! I ' m tired of getting kicked around.

FLETCHER Good for you!

VIRGINIA Thank you, Mr. Reid. I ' m so                   grateful I have an attorney I                    can trust. S he gives him a HUG and momentarily grabs his ass. With a         farewell nod to Miranda, she leaves. Miranda turns, smiles at Fletcher, then shuts the door. She moves in on him.

MIRANDA You're good. You're really good.

FLETCHER Oh, pshaw. (pronounces it                         with the "p") She picks a piece of lint off.his jacket.

MIRANDA N o, I mean it. The Cole case is worth a truckload of money to this firm, not to mention the press it's going to                  g en er at e. You win this case and I guarantee you'll make partner.

(STRAIGHTENING                           his tie) Actually, how would you like to make a partner right now?

FLETCHER Excuse me? She grabs his lapels and pulls him in for a deep KISS.

INT, AUDREY AND MAX'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A PARTY in progress, KINDERGARTNERS being entertained by a         MAN in a clown suit and clown make-up.

CLOWN

(SINGING) Captain Fuzzy is my name, Making children happy is my                   game, With a shake and a juggle, And a big belt buckle, You'll all be glad I came. '         He flops down on his back causing something in his pants to          HONK. Audrey and Jerry watch.

AUDREY (indicating the

CLOWN)                   What do you think?

JERRY Well, if you don't hire your brother, who will?

.         She heads into...

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

·

JERRY They called me again from B oston. They really want me                   there tomorrow.

AUDREY . . . I can't go to Boston.

JERRY How come?

AUDREY Max.

JERRY He'll love it there.

AUDREY It's Fletcher.

JERRY Fletcher?

AUDREY I can't move Max three thousand miles away from his father.

JERRY Audrey, I have never said a                    bad word about your ex --

AUDREY I know.

JERRY But how much responsibility does Fletcher take for Max, now? He'd never come over if                   you didn't remind him.

AUDREY I know. But if they're three thousand miles apart they'll                   never see each other. Fletcher will never come to                   Boston and how can I send Max cross-country to him?

.JERRY So because your ex-husband is                   unreliable, we can't-'-

AUDREY I know, it's not logical, it's                   emotional. I'm sorry. Pause.

JERRY I still want to marry you.

AUDREY Are you sure? Jerry picks up the PHONE, pulls out a piece of paper, dials.

JERRY (into phone) Mr. Crisitelli, Jerry She!ton... I hope I'm not calling too late... Mr.                  Crisitelli, I'm afraid I have to turn down your offer..'. So                  am I. . . Well, I've fallen in                  love with this beautiful woman in L.A. and she doesn't want to leave and I won't leave without her... Well, thank you very much... Yes, good-bye.

(hangs up) He wasn't there, but that's                 1   the speech I would've made. She smiles and KISSES him. The PHONE RINGS. Audrey answers.

AUDREY Hello...

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MIRANDA'S OFFICE - NIGHT

A UDREY Fletcher, where are you? We're getting ready to cut the cake.

FLETCHER Urn, actually, something has come up. A problem on a new caaa--. Miranda bites one of Fletcher's nipples.

F LET CHE R                     A-h-h-h-!

AUDREY What happened?

FLETCHER Nothing. I just nailed my                     ·knee into the desk... Listen, I'm really sorry I can't 'make it.

AUDREY Max is going to be so                     disappointed.

FLETCHER I'll make it up to him, I                     promise. I'll pick him up                     from school tomorrow, okay?

AUDREY Do you want me to put him on                     the phone? Miranda starts "reeling in" the phone cord.

FLETCHER Ah, no. I have to go.

AUDREY Right. ANGRILY, she hangs up. Fletcher stares UNHAPPILY at the phone, before Miranda THROWS HIM BACK ONTO THE COUCH.

INT. AUDREY AND MAX'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT

WE PAN DOWN from banners reading HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAX!. . . to         a room full of guests... to a desultory five-year-old. Audrey finishes lighting the candles on the homemade cake.

AUDREY All right, birthday boy, make a wish. Max doesn't respond.

AUDREY (CONT'D)                   C'mon, honey. It can be                   anything-- whatever you want most in the world. When he .doesn't respond, she leans down to him..

AUDREY (CONT'D)                   Max, your dad is sorry. He                   had to work.

MAX He said he was coming. He                   promised.

AUDREY Yes, well, he... promises he'll see you tomorrow. Max doesn't believe it. <         He turns his full attention to the candles on the cake. In         VOICE OVER we hear what she does not.

MAX (V.O.) I wish, for just one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie. He takes a breath --and blows out all the candles. A         strange WIND blows the drapes and the wisp of smoke up, up, up... to the clock on the wall. It's 9:15.

CUT TO: A clock on a wall. It's 9:15'. We are--

INT. MIRANDA'S OFFICE - NIGHT

PAN around Miranda's office, where the displaced sofa is         adorned with Fletcher's shoes...          To the credenza, where Fletcher's pants hang...          To the lamp, where Fletcher's shorts swing... To the desk, where a ravished Miranda lies next to         Fletcher. Superbly confident of the answer, she asks--

MIRANDA S o. . . was it good for you? Without thinking, Fletcher responds in the most astonishing way possible-- he TELLS THE TRUTH.

FLETCHER I've had better. Miranda turns to him in disbelief -- but it's nothing compared to the LOOK OF SHOCK on Fletcher's face.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE MIRANDA'S OFFICE - NIGHT

The door opens -- and the naked Fletcher is forcefully kicked out. He goes TUMBLING over a desk as a RAIN OF         CLOTHES follow. The door SLAMS SHUT again, leaving him without his pants. A CLEANING LADY stares at him in shock, then takes her broom, aims for his crotch, SWINGS.and. ..

INT. BEDROOM - FRIDAY MORNING

An alarm CLOCK RINGS. Fletcher BOLTS UP in bed. With regret and wonder he remembers:

FLETCHER "I've had better?"

INT. FLETCHER'S BATHROOM - MORNING

Fletcher brushes his teeth, looks up at his reflection in         the mirror, mouth foaming.

FLETCHER "I've had better?!"

INT. HALLWAY OF FLETCHER'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING

Dressed for work, Fletcher waits for the elevator.

FLETCHER (laughing it off) "I've had better?" I t arrives. He steps in.

INT. APARTMENT ELEVATOR - MORNING

The elevator is empty, except for Fletcher... and a         beautiful young WOMAN.

FLETCHER New in the building?

MODEL I just moved in Monday.

FLETCHER Ah. Well, you must allow me                   to give you the grand tour.

MODEL

(SHE'S

INTERESTED)                   O h? Do you do that for all                    the new tenants?

FLETCHER No. Just the ones I want to                   bang like a drum. Fletcher's face REGISTERS extreme SHOCK and...

INT. LOBBY OF APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING

We HEAR a SMACK off camera and a PING as the elevator door opens. The model storms off and A STUNNED Fletcher steps out, rubbing his freshly slapped face.

EXT. COURTROOM -, MORNING

A SHAKY Fletcher strides toward the courthouse... when he         is accosted by a BEGGAR.

BEGGAR Any change, Mister?

.FLETCHER Absolutely. But he continues walking.

BEGGAR Could you spare some?

FLETCHER Unquestionably. Fletcher walks faster, PUZZLED that he has answered truthfully. The beggar is even more puzzled.

BEGGAR Will you?

FLETCHER No.

BEGGAR How come?

FLETCHER Because I resent your p re sen ce. You fill me with an                  unpleasant mixture of disgust and guilt. Further, I don't                  believe you'll use the money for food, but I believe you'll                  use it for, at worst, drugs, or, at best, whiskey, or                . cigarettes. Also, I'm cheap. As Fletcher heads up the stairs...

BEGGAR Jerkoff.

INT. COURTROOM - MORNING

A winded Fletcher joins Virginia at the respondent's table,

VIRGINIA You look like you're having a                  rough morning.

FLETCHER I've had better. He WINCES as he recognizes the words. Then, an extremely wealthy, respectable industrialist, RICHARD COLE enters with his attorney, DANA APPLETON, young, brisk, confident.

DANA Good morning, Fletcher.

FLETCHER Dana. "

RICHARD All right, Virginia, how much will it take to put an end to                   this?

FLETCHER Fifty per cent of your estate. Richard is SHOCKED.

DANA Fifty per cent? With a pre- nup and proof of adultery? What's your case?

FLETCHER Our case is simply this. . .         Fletcher opens his mouth to enlighten her -- but he CAN'T          GET THE WORDS OUT. He tries to FORCE OUT SOUNDS, but succeeds only in looking like a fish gasping on dry land.

DANA. Interesting, though based on                   your track record, I expected a little more. Nearing panic, Fletcher whirls to his BRIEFCASE and grabs the brief.

FLETCHER  .. Wa it! Wait! I've got it in                  writing! But when Dana tries to take the document, the astonished Fletcher finds himself PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO RELEASE IT.

DANA Let go!

FLETCHER I'm trying!

He INVOLUNTARILY snatches the document away and IT PULLS HIM to a nearby TRASH CAN where he throws it out. At this moment the BAILIFF calls.

BAILIFF All rise for the Honorable Judge William Stevens.

DANA Very funny, Fletcher. You want to play hardball, I'm                   game. JUDGE STEVENS takes the bench.

JUDGE STEVENS Calling case BA 09395, Richard Cole versus Virginia Cole. How're we doing this morning, counsel?

DANA Fine, thank you.

JUDGE STEVENS And you, Mr. Reid?

FLETCHER Well, I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night-- Fletcher screeches to a standstill, suddenly aware of what he just said. After an awkward silence--

JUDGE STEVENS

(DRYLY) Well, you're still young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get. down to business? First, Mr. Reid, I see that your client was previously represented by Mr. Rand of                  your office.

FLETCHER Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE STEVENS I take it you're seeking to                   substitute in as counsel?

FLETCHER Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE STEVENS Fine, fine. And for the record, the reason is?

FLETCHER Mr. Rand had severe ethical objections to my client's                   case. Fletcher is incredulous. Somehow his greatest asset in the world, his mouth, has become his worst enemy.

JUDGE STEVENS I take it you don't share the same ethical objections, Mr. Reid?

FLETCHER I have lower standards, Your Honor.

JUDGE STEVENS I see. Well, if Mrs. Cole wants the substitution of                   counsel, I'll allow it. Is                   that what you want, Mrs. Cole? Virginia looks to the judge, then to Fletcher, whose unorthodox syle seemed so brilliant earlier.

VIRGINIA

(UNSURE) Yes?

JUDGE STEVENS Fine.

VIRGINIA (aside, to

FLETCHER)                  What are you doing?

FLETCHER

(WORRIED)

.                  I don't know. (to judge, with

SOME

DESPERATION)                  Your Honor, I ' d like a                   continuance!

JUDGE STEVENS "                  This case has already been                   delayed several times, Mr.                   Reid.

FLETCHER I realize that, Your Honor, but I ' d really, really, really like a continuance.

JUDGE STEVENS I'll have to hear good cause, counselor. What's the problem?

FLETCHER'S P.O.V.

The ROOM begins to SPIN slowly -- then faster -- then faster -- until we wind up squarely on --

FLETCHER'S FACE

FLETCHER I can't lie!

JUDGE STEVENS

(IMPATIENT) Commendable, Mr. Reid, but I'm                  still waiting for the good caus e. Now, do you have it or                . not?

'           FLETCHER

(TRUTHFUL) Not.

JUDGE STEVENS Motion for a continuance denied. Is there any chance of a settlement in this case?

DANA I don't think so, Your Honor. Mr. Reid made it abundantly clear that the last thing in                   the world he wanted was to --

FLETCHER

(DESPERATE)

SETTLE! SETTLE! SETTLE! Dana and Mr. Cole look at Fletcher with surprise.

JUDGE STEVENS There appears to have been a                   change in strategy. Let's go                   to my chambers and negotiate. He BANGS the gavel.

INT. JUDGE STEVENS'S CHAMBERS - MORNING

Dana and an apprehensive Fletcher sit before the judge

DANA Your Honor, under the terms of                  the prenuptual agreement, if                   Mrs. Cole commits adultery, she is entitled to nothing. We have in our possession an                  audiotape made by a licensed private investigator of an                  explicit act of sexual congress with a man who is not her husband.

JUDGE STEVENS Sounds pretty damning, Mr. Reid.

FLETCHER It certainly does.

DANA However, my client has no                  desire to see his ex-wife destitute. Against my advice, he's willing to offer her a                  cash settlement of.two point four million dollars.

JUDGE STEVENS Two four seems like a pretty fair offer, Mr. Reid.

FLETCHER Fantastically fair. Phenominally fair. In fact, I'd say beyond fair, bordering on stupid. Dana fumes. The judge finds Fletcher's boldness refreshing.

JUDGE STEVENS What are you suggesting, Mr. Rei d? That Ms. Appleton's                  willingness to proffer such an                   offer betrays a lack of faith in her position?

FLETCHER (utterly sincere) No, not at all. She's got my                  client dead to rights. When

attorneys go to sleep at                   night, they dream of having a                    case as strong as hers.

DANA Can the sarcasm, Reid. All right, I admit it -- I've seen you make even the lamest case fly. But this time I have you. Even Clarence Darrow couldn't explain this away. She brandishes the audiotape.

JUDGE SAMIOAN Wel l, Mr. Reid? without a                   dynamite explanation, I'd say you're dead in the water. How's you client's story?

FLETCHER The best that money can buy, Y o u r Honor. ·

JUDGE STEVENS Strong corroborating evidence?

FLETCHER We have evidence that you are not going to-believe. Despite herself, Dana is beginning to look worried.

JUDGE STEVENS You're pretty confident how this trial is going to come out, eh, Mr. Reid?

FLETCHER (hopeless). "Confident" is too weak a                   word, Your Honor. I am                   certain what will happen if I                    take this puppy to trial. The verdict will be a stunning, humiliating defeat that will cut a spectacularly promising legal career off at the knees. Fletcher is referring to himself, of course, but Dana thinks he's speaking about her. She buckles.

DANA All right! Double the offer! Four point eight! And not a                     penny more. (venomous, to

FLETCHER)                     Bastard!          She storms out, leaving an astounded Fletcher behind.

JUDGE STEVENS You are some negotiator, Mr. Reid. If your client has half a brain, she'll jump at the offer.

CUT TO:

VIRGINIA No!

We are --

INT. COURTROOM - MORNING

Fletcher has joined Virginia at the respondent's table

FLETCHER No? ! Mrs. Cole, this offer was a miracle. I'm talking about a walking-on-water, Lazarus-rising-from-the-dead,

FIND-NO-LINE-AT-THE-FRIGGIN'- DMV miracle! You've gone from two point four to four point eight million in... (checks his

WATCH)                     four minutes. Think of it                      this way -- now you're getting                      paid seven hundred thou per                      schtupp!

·           ·      ·

VIRGINIA Mr. Reid, you convinced me                     yesterday -- I'm the victim here, starved for affection, driven into the arms of                     another man--

FLETCHER Seven! ·

VIRGINIA -- Seven other men. With the story you came up with, I                   don't think I can lose. I                   want to proceed.

FLETCHER Mrs. Cole, you don't       ·. understand, I-- But before Fletcher can finish, the judge enters.

JUDGE STEVENS Well, Mr. Reid. Do we have a                   settlement? Fletcher looks pleadingly at his client, but she is firm. He shakes his head unhappily. The judge is irritated.

JUDGE STEVENS (CONT'D)                  Th ere' s no settlement. Trial to start at one-thirty sharp. He BANGS the gavel. Fletcher emits an involuntary whimper.

INT. HALLWWAY OF LAW OFFICES - MORNING

DA ZED, Fletcher makes his way down the hall. Jane comes toward him wearing a hairstyle that resembles a nest. He         tries to avoid her, but...

JANE What do you think?

FLETCHER. I think you need help. HORRIFI ED, Fletcher hurries on. The heavyset Thomas ambulates in his way. ·  -      ·

THOMAS What's shakin', Fletcher?

FLETCHER Your cellulite, Tubster. The now panicked Fletcher breaks into a run, passing Fred.

FRED Hiy a, Fletcher. How's the Cole case going?

FLETCHER (not stopping) 'Straight into the crapper, you wuss, with my career right behind it.

P         Fletcher is RUNNING NOW, COVERING HIS EARS and SINGING LOUDLY so as not to hear OTHER EMPLOYEE 'GREETINGS...

FLETC HER

LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!!

Fletcher speeds past--

· GRETA Hi, boss. What's happening

WITH--

FLETCHER

DON'T ASK! FOR GOD'S SAKE,

PLEASE DON'T ASK! -- And races into his office.

I NT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE - MORNING

He leans against the door, trying to catch his breath.

·

FLETCHER,

(PACING) Do n't panic. You can beat this -- it's all a matter of                   willpower. He dives for his desk and rifles through it.

FL ET CH ER                   A test. . . Something small...                   Aha! He holds up a BLUE PEN.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                   Red. Red. All right. Focus, (with great

DELIBERATION)                   The color of this pen is · r--.                    R--. R--! The color of this                    pen is--blue! AAAAHH!                          (burying his

HEAD)                   Ahhhh! One' tiny lie and I                    can't say it!!

(suddenly sitting

UP)                 ' I'll write.it!          He takes a sheet of PAPER, his pen and writes "This pen          i s . . . " He tries to write an "R" but can't. He STRAINS.          S TR AIN S HARDER. He's out of his chair, on the desk. His          feet KICK OVER OBJECTS on the shelves'behind him. He          finally forces pen to paper. He looks down where he wrote

INADVERTENTLY: "This pen is blue."

F LE TC HE R

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! ! ! !         Greta enters to find-- FLETCHER running around the office, shaking the blue pen in         the air.

GRETA Boss, what's wrong?

FLETCHER . The pen is blue!! The pen is. b l u e ! ! The GODDAMN PEN IS

BLUE !!! Almost weeping, he collapses into a chair. A moment -- then Greta tentatively offers him a red pen.

GRETA Red?

FLETCHER

(BITTER) Oh, that's easy for you to                   say?!

GRETA Are you all right?

FLETCHER (getting up) I have to go home.

GRETA Home? Was the case settled?

FLETCHER No. I have to be in court at                  one-thirty.

GRETA Well, then how can you.go                   home?

FLETCHER I don't know, I don't know!!!

GRETA Okay. (walking on

EGGSHELLS)                   Before I forget -- Rubin and                    Dun n called. They want to                    know where the Darvis                    settlement offer stands.

FLETCHER I only proposed a settlement t o dick with them. I never had any intention of going th ro ug h with it. .         Not certain why her boss would .shoot himself in the foot, Greta nonetheless jots down his remarks.

GRETA '·...dick with them." Okay.                   Your accountant, Philip,                    called to remind you about                    getting together..

FLETCHER I'd rather shave my ass and sit in vinegar..

GRETA (jotting down a

NOTE)                   Got it. And your mother                    called again. Are you still                    on vacation?

FLETCHER

(EMPHATICALLY                            nodding "yes") No.

GRETA So then you're here?

FLETCHER

(EMPHATICALLY                            shaking his head

"NO")                   Yes.

GRETA I ' m having a little trouble following you. what do I say to your mom?

FLETCHER

(RESIGNED) Tell her I'm a thoughtless son who'd rather spend ten hours clogging the wheels of justice than five minutes talking to                   her-- but only if she asks. You.might also add that she deserves better, though I hope to God you don't.

GRETA Thanks for clearing that up. And that's it, except your ex                   called and asked when you were cowing over to see your son.

FLETCHER

(REMEMBERS)

OHH! I'M SUCH A SHIT!! He reacts, particularly stunned by this truth.

INT. VOLVO - MOVING / FLETCHER'S OFFICE - MORNING

Audrey is driving Max, who wears his new baseball uniform when her cellular PHONE RINGS. She picks it up. We INTERCUT between car and office.

FLETCHER

AUDREY--

AUDREY' Hey, Fletcher. T was wondering if you were going to                   still pick up Max after school today.

FLETCHER I don't think I can. I had a                  case I was certain would settle and it didn't. I have to go to trial this afternoon, God help me.

AUDREY (not believing

HIM)                  Right.

FLETCHER It's true... I really do want to see Max, today. Fletcher considers what he just said, realizes it is true.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                  How about that. I really do.

AUDREY

(CYNICALLY) But things keep coming up at                  the last minute.

FLETCHER Yes, but-this time it's                  different.

AUDREY I see. And how is that?

.                        ·

FLETCHER ( he walked into

IT)                  This time I'm telling the                   truth.

AUDREY But last night you weren't?

FLETCHER No.

AUDREY What were you doing?

FLETCHER Having sex.

AUDREY (barely holding                         her temper), It must have been with someone very "special."

FLETCHER No. It was with someone I                  don't even like. But I                  thought it would help my                   career and at the moment that

seemed more important than attending my son's birthday!

A U D R EY                  M y God!! She SLAMS DOWN the phone.

INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE

Fletcher BANGS THE PHONE against his head in frustration! '.

FLETCHER

A H H H H H H ! ! I WHAT IS WRONG WITH

ME I ! I

E X T. FULGHAM KINDERGARTEN - MORNING

The Volvo parks. Audrey gets out. She leans over to say good-bye to her son. ,.

MAX Is dad picking me up?

AUDREY No, I'm sorry, Max. He can't                      make it. I will. I'll work it out. Max is disappointed.

MAX I guess my wish didn't come · true.

AUDREY What wish?

MAX I wished that, for just one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie. Max heads toward his teacher. Audrey is deeply moved.

INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE

He's dialing the phone.

FLETCHER Answer, answer, answer...

INTERCUT WITH AUDREY'S CAR

AUDREY Hello.

FLETCHER Audrey, let me explain. Something has happened to me--

AUDREY Fletcher, something else is         about to happen to you.

FLETCHER. What do you mean?

AUDREY Max and I are moving to         Boston.

FLETCHER What?!

AUDREY Jerry asked me to marry him. He wants Max and I to fly with him this weekend to pick out a         house. And I'm going to go. God knows I don't have any reason to stay here.

FLETCHER (panicking). Wait, you can't move! If you take Max away... I'll         practically never see him.

AUDREY Well then you'll have pretty much the same relationship you have with him now.

FLETCHER Audrey, please.... Is this because of what I just said on         the phone?

AUDREY That was the straw and this is         the camel's back saying goodbye.

FLETCHER Where are you?

AUDREY Heading home.

FLETCHER When you gee there, stay there. I'll be right over. We have to talk.

AUDREY

FLETCHER--

FLETCHER I'll be right- there!

He hangs up and heads for the door. It opens and Miranda enters.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                   Aaaah!

MIRANDA Flet cher. Fletcher, Fletcher, Fletcher. I must confess-- after last night's incident, I                  was. . . hurt. So hurt. I was tempted to do whatever little things lie in my power to                  scuttle your chances of making partner. Fletcher is FRIGHTENED.

MIRANDA (CONT'D)                  But then I thought, "No,                   that 's not fair. Fletcher                   didn't mean to insult me."

(STRAIGHTENING                         his tie) "It was just some massive,                  boneheaded misunderstanding,                   and Fletcher is very, very                   sorry." Fletcher smiles. It looks like he's off the hook, until--

MIRANDA (CONT'D)                   Isn't that right, Fletcher?

FLETCHER (in agony) Uh -- not really, no.

MIRANDA (stunned, angry) N o ? No?! What are you sayi ng? Have you no respect for me?!

FLETCHER None, whatsoever. I mean, I ' d                   like to respect you, and if it                    weren't for your mistreatment of the associates, your rudeness to the staff, and the fact that your work sucks, I                   would.

M IRANDA But -- what about last night?

FLETCHER I was afraid you wouldn't                   support my partnership if I                    turned you down. Plus, I have an immature need for sexual conquests.

INT. HALLWAY OF LAW OFFICES - MORNING

W e HEAR A SMACK! The door flies opens -- and a furious Miranda stalks off.

·

INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE - MORNING

Fletcher rubs his freshly SLAPPED FACi..

INT. BMW - MOVING / EXT, STREET - MORNING

Fletcher speeds away. He pulls the blue pen from his pocket.

FLETCHER Gotta focus. . . gotta focus. He's so preoccupied that he speeds through a crosswalk and almost hits an OLD MAN.

FLETCHER The color of the pen is -- re d ! .         But he hasn't regained the ability to lie -- he's referring to the RED LIGHT he just ran, nearly colliding with a         truck. The DRIVER screams:

DRIVER What's your problem, schmuck?!

FLETCHER (the truth) I ' m an inconsiderate prick!

Fletcher once again focuses on the blue pen.

FLETCHER (CON "ID)                     C'mon, you can do this! The                      color of the pen is -- RED!           This time he's referring to the flashing red light of a           POLICE CAR in his rearview mirror.

FLETC HER S hi t !!

Fletcher pulls over. A POLICE OFFICER strolls up.

POLICE OFFICER Do you know why I stopped you?

FLETCHER Depends on how long you were following me.

POLICE OFFICER Why don't we take it from the top.

FLETCHER ·    (in agony) Here goes -- I didn't fasten my seatbelt, I didn't glance in my rearview mirror, I                    didn't signal when I pulled away from the curb, I sped, I                    followed too closely, I ran a                     stop sign, I almost hit :a Chevy Camaro, I almost hit a                   ge ezer, I sped some more, I                    failed to yield at a                    crosswalk, I changed lanes in                    the intersection, I changed lanes without signalling, and I changed lanes in the

INTERSECTION-WITHOUT signalling while running a red light and speeding. A long moment.

POLICE OFFICER May I see your driver's                  license?

FLETCHER No.

POLICE OFFICER And why is that?

FLETCHER It's in my other pants.

POLICE OFFICER I see. And where are your · other pants?

FLETCHER Hanging from my boss's                   credenza.

POLICE OFFICER Do you expect me to believe that?

FLETCHER No.

POLICE OFFICER Do you think I'm an idiot?

FLETCHER Yes -- but that's beside the point! My license actually is                   in my other pants, and they actually were hanging from a                   credenzaJ I wouldn't lie to                    you! I mean, I would if I                   could, but I can't!

POLICE OFFICER I see. So you ..have no reason to try and hide your license from me?

FLETCHER I didn't say that. I have other reasons. Seventeen reasons, to be precise. (begrudgingly,                         off the                          officer's look) Unpaid parking tickets.

(BESEECHINGLY) Be gentle.

EXT. AUDREY'S HOUSE - MORNING

A cab speeds up to the house. Fletcher runs out. Audrey is         headed to her car.

FLETCHER Audrey, wait!

AUDREY Wait? You know, I just had an                   insight into myself. I ' m                   crazy. You call me up and. tell me to wait here because you'll be right over and -- here's the crazy part -- I                   actually wait.

FLETCHER I can explain--

AUDREY I missed a department meeting. I.. . Did you come in a cab?

FLETCHER Yes.

AUDREY Where's your car?

EXT, POLICE IMPOUND YARD - MORNING

Audrey finishes paying the impound-yard CASHIER and joins Fletcher, who is waiting alongside hundreds of towed cars.

FLETCHER Thank you. . I can't tell you how much this means to me.

AUDREY I can. One thousand, six hundred, and fifty-four dollars and eleven cents.

FLETCHER Ow.

At this moment WE HEAR a hideous scraping noise -- and a         TOW-YARD EMPLOYEE whips Fletcher's BMW into view and. parks... revealing a prominent new scrape on the door.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                   You scratched my car!

TOW-YARD EMPLOYEE Where? .

FLETCHER Right there!

TOW-YARD EMPLOYEE Oh that? That was already there.

FLETCHER

(OUTRAGED) Why, you -- you liar! Do you know what I ' m going to do                   about this?

TOW-YARD EMPLOYEE What?

FLETCHER (angrier and

ANGRIER)                   ...Nothing! Because if I take                   you to small-claims court, it                   will just drain eight hours                   out of my life, and you                   probably won't show up, and if                   I finally got the judgment                   you'd just stiff me anyway, so                   what I'm gonna do is piss and                   moan like an impotent jerk and                 . then bend over and take it up                   the tail pipe!

TOW-YARD EMPLOYEE You've been here before, haven't you? He flips Fletcher the keys and goes.

AUDREY Well I can't remember when I've had more fun, now if                   you'll excuse me, I have a                    class. She starts out.

FLETCHER Audrey, wait. I want to talk to you about this Boston situation.

. AUDREY What do you want to say?

FLETCHER You can't go. It's not fair. Taking Max three thousand miles away is not fair.

AUDREY Let' s define "fair." Last · night a five-year old boy was crushed because his father lied to him about coming to                   his birthday party. Fair?

FLETCHER Last night--

AUDREY -- Was none of my business. When it happened two years ago it was my business, but now I                  don't have to care anymore. See, that's the magic of                  div orce. But it does matter to Max. Everything you do                  matters to him... and everything you don't do.

FLETCHER All right-- now let me tell you something...you're                  absolutely right. I'm guilty of all charges. I'm throwing myself on the mercy of your -court. Audrey doesn't know what to say. Fletcher seems very sincere, but she can't trust him.

FLETCHER {CONT'D)                  I have an idea. I'll come                   over tonight, right after                   court lets out and play with                   M ax. Have him invite some                   fri ends over. We'll have a                   game and everything. Then,                   you and I can sit down and                   talk.

AUDREY We're suppose to be on a plane

TONIGHT--

FLETCHER No, Audrey. Just talk to me                  abou t this first. Please. Au drey, I've lost you. Don't                  make me lose Max, too.

AUDREY You're really coming?

FLETCHER This is iron-clad. This is                   the mother of all promises. What time?

AUDREY ...Six?

FLETCHER Ten-to-six.

AU DR EY

(UNSURE) All right... only if I tell Max you're coming and you don't show up and I have to                   see that look on Max's face -- that heartbreaking look-- it's                   Boston, Fletcher.

FLETCHER. I will be there.

As Audrey gets in her car --.

AUDREY I hope so. Do you know what your son was doing at nine- fif teen las t ni ght? He was making a wish on his birthday c ake. He was wishing that, for just one day, his dad couldn't tell a lie. She drives away. Fletcher starts for his car, pensive, when a new thought strikes him.

FLETCHER Oh my God! That-'s it! An                  innocent kid - - a heartfelt plea-- a birthday wish! Sure, it' s impossible --but it                  'makes sense!..! If he can wish it, he can unwish it!

INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL HALLWAY

Fletcher marches quickly down the hall, cake box under his arm.

INT. MAX'S KINDERGARTEN CLASS

Ms. Berry's reading a story when Fletcher enters. Max brightens.

MAX Dad!

MS. BERRY Are you Max's dad? I ' m Ms. Berry, Max's teacher!

FLETCHER Hi. Listen, I need to talk to

MAX--

MS. BERRY Mr. Reid, we were just talking ab ou t careers. You're a                   lawyer, aren't you?

FLETCHER

(WARY) Yes.

MAX Mr. Reid it'would be wonderful for the children to hear something positive about lawyers!

FLETCHER Well, actually-- ·

MS. BERRY Children! .Mr. Reid is going to tell us what it's like to                   be a lawyer. She leads the kids in APPLAUSE. Fletcher takes center s tage. The children stare, rapt with attenion.

FLETCHER Uh, hi. Uh, I'm a lawyer and I work at a big law firm with a lot of other lawyers and I                   do stuff in a law court. Thank you. He starts out.

MS. BERRY One moment, Mr. Reid. Maybe some of the children have

QUESTIONS (hands shoot up) Jeffrey?

JEFF What kind of lawyer are you?

FLETCHER Mostly, I ' m a divorce lawyer.

BILLY What's that?

FLETCHER It means if you're daddy left your mommy, he'd call me.

CRAIG So what do you do?

FLETCHER (growing more and                         more impatient) I help people fight over their money and their children.

THEODORE Can't they fight without you?

FLETCHER ' "                   They could but then J wouldn't                    make a living.

JILL Why would my daddy leave my                   mommy?

FLETCHER To marry a younger woman. To                   escape a loveless marriage and have cheap meaningless sex. To cling to an illusion of                   youth as his body gives way to                    sore backs, flat feet, spare tires, gum disease, hair loss, liver spots, kidney stones, clogged arteries, diabetes, goiter and eventual death. The kids EYES GO WIDE. A moment, then:

MS. BERRY

(BRIGHTLY) Well, I think it's time for fingerpainting.

EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY

They're in the playground just outside the classroom.

FLETCHER Monster-Max.

MAX Dadzilla. You came to play catch?

FLETCHER No. I ' d like to, but I can't                   right now. Max is disappointed again.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                   I ' m sorry I missed your party la st night. How was your Uncle Glen?

MAX Stupid. His big nose and stupid orange hair...

FLETCHER That's why he should have worn make-up. Fletcher elbows Max, playfully, trying to induce a laugh. Max doesn't laugh.

'      MAX. I want to play kickball with my friends.-

FLETCHER Yeah, okay, urn... Your mother told me about... the wish you made last night. It came true. Max is amazed.

MAX Really? You mean you have to                   tell the truth?

FLETCHER Yes.

MAX No matter what?

FLETCHER No matter what.

Max grins -- then suddenly asks, in rapid succession.

MAX Is wrestling real?

FLETCHER In the Olympics, yes. On. Channel 23, no.

MAX Will sitting close to the TV                   set make me go blind?

FLETCHER Not in a million years.

MAX If I keep making this face-- (makes a horrible

FACE)                   will it get stuck that way?

FLETCHER Uh-uh.

MAX .If I go in the water right after lunch, will I drown?

FLETCHER Only if you can't 'swim.

MAX Why do I have to eat squash?

FLETCHER Because your mom buys it.

MAX How come you're always too busy to play with me? The sudden shift in tone startles Fletcher. He feels awful.

FLETCHER I. . . I don't know. I ' m. . . Hey, you know I'm coming over to nig ht. We're gonna play together.

MAX Baseball?

FLETCHER . Yes! This is absolutely an                   A-number one promise. You and I -- tonight -- baseball. Fletcher and Max do their ritual "five" slap.

FLETCHER Now, listen, Max, I need a                     favor from you. I ' m in a                     little trouble today. I need you to take that wish back.

MAX So you can lie?

FLETCHER Not to you.

MAX To who?

FLETCHER Max, sometimes grownups...                     need to lie. It's hard to                     explain, but i f. . . Look, here's an example. When Mommy was pregnant with you, she gained a little weight. Se venty pounds. I thought she was gonna give birth to a car. But she'd say to me "How do I                     lo ok?" So I'd say, "Oh,                     honey, you're beautiful,                      you're glowing.11 Otherwise, I                      would've hurt Mommy's                      fee ling s. Understand?          Max nods.

MAX You didn't think she was beautiful.

FLETCHER Right. No... Max, I don't                     know how to get along in the grown-up world if I have to                     stick to the truth. I could lose my case, I could lose my                     promotion, I could even lose, my job... Do you understand? Max shakes his head "no."

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                     Will you help me anyway? A moment -- then Max reluctantly nods.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                     That's my boy! Fletcher opens the box, revealing a cake and candles.... He         takes out two birthday hats. He puts one on Max and one on         himself.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                     Now, do whatever you did last night... only this time, make an un-wish. Not really happy, Max turns to the candles on the cake. He         takes a breath-- and blows them out.

MAX I did it. ^

FLETCHER Great! Great! Now to test --

·

Fletcher spots an attractive FEMALE teacher. Fletcher hurries to her and says something. A moment. Then she

SLAPS HIM. Fletcher returns to his son.

MAX Did it work?

FLETCHER. .                          (rubbing his sore

CHEEK)                     Not like I ' d hoped. Did you                      really unwish it?          Max nods.

MAX Only...

FLETCHER Only what?

MAX Yesterday, when I wished it, I                     r ea lly meant it. This time when I unwished it I only did it 'cause you told me to.

FLETCHER (losing patience) Well, then do it again. Only this time, mean it.

MAX I can't.

FLETCHER Why not?!

MAX Because I don't want you to                   lie.

FLETCHER I explained this to you! I                   have to lie. Everybody lies! Mommy lies, even the wonderful Jerry lies--

'

MAX But you're the only one who makes me feel bad.

.   '   .                ·    ·          Fletcher is stunned by how much this hurts.

MS. BERRY

(CALLING) Max, recess 'is over, come on                   in.

MAX I have to go.

FLETCHER I am coming over, tonight, Max. You believe me, don't                   you? Max hesitates, then nods.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                   I'll see you tonight, buddy...                    That's a promise. Max heads back to class. Fletcher picks up the cake, looks at it, then dumps it in a trash barrel.

EXT. SKYSCRAPER - DAY

A worried and preoccupied Fletcher is heading toward his office building when a MACHO ATTORNEY passes by.

MACHO ATTORNEY Yo, Fletcher! How's it                   hanging?

FLETCHER Short and shrivelled. Fletcher hurries up the steps when he spots Philip. He         shields his face with his briefcase. Philip recognizes him anyway.

PHILIP Fletcher! I'm still waiting for your call. I guess you must've lost my card --

FLETCHER No --

PHILIP Or my phone was busy --

FLETCHER No --

·

PHILIP Or you just forgot --

FLETCHER No --

PHILIP (cannot be

DISCOURAGED)                   Or something. So anyway,' why                    don't you swing by my place                    around seven-thirty!          Philip starts off, when Fletcher calls after him          resolutely.

FLETCHER Philip... I don't want to come over to your house! A long moment, then --

PHILIP Fi n e ! We'll go out! There's                  this new karaoke bar I've been dying to try. I'll pick you up at your office! Seven- thirty! !         And he runs off. Frustrated, Fletcher hurries on.

INT. OFFICE'S - DAY

Fletcher drags himself past Greta's desk. Miranda gives him the stink-eye. Fletcher doesn't see her.

GRETA Do you want your messages?

FLETCHER No. He goes into his office. Greta is concerned. She follows him in, leaving his door open.

INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Fletcher collapses onto his couch. Greta enters.

GRETA Are you okay?

FLETCHER My son hates me.

GRETA No! He loves you. I've seen y ou together. You're his hero.

FLETCHER O h yeah? Last night at his birthday party, he made a                  ·wish. That I wouldn't be able to tell a lie for one whole day.

GRETA Kids...

FLETCHER It came true.

GRETA What?

FLETCHER It's true. Didn't it seem odd to you that I kept telling the truth all morning?

GRETA Well, yeah, but...

(INCREDULOUS) You're telling me that you can't lie.

FLETCHER That's right! I am incapable of lying.

INT. OUTER OFFICE

Miranda is 'eavesdropping. A wicked gleam in her eye,

INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE

GRETA Just today?

FLETCHER Apparently until 9:15 tonight. It's a twenty-four hour curse.

GRETA Yes, those are going around.

FLETCHER You don't believe me.

GRETA Of course not.

FLETCHER Go ahead. Ask me something I ' d normally lie about. She thinks.

GRETA A ll right. Remember a few months ago, I wanted a raise--

FLETCHER

(QUICKLY) Forget it. Let's not do this.

GRETA -- and the firm wouldn't.give me one. And I asked you if                  you would give it to me out of                   your own pocket and you said the company wouldn't permit it                  because it creates jealousy among the other secretaries? Was that true or did you just not want to pony up the dough?

INT. OUTER OFFICE

Greta is emptying all her personal effects into boxes. She's leaving. Fletcher is on the phone and looks very harras,sed.

FLETCHER Greta, please... (into phone) Yes Judge Stevens, hi!.. Fletcher Reid. I ' m scheduled to be in your court in half- an-hour... Judge Stevens, I                   badly, badly need a                    continuance. . . so I can go                   home and stay there the rest of the day...111? Am I ill? He wants to say "yes", but he can't.

FLETCHER In a way. (covers the

MOUTHPIECE)                   Please, lie to him for me.          Greta holds up a framed photograph.

GRETA I remember when you. bought me                   t hi s silver frame. From Tiffany's.

(QUESTIONING) . . . Tiffany's?

FLETCHER Jumbo's House of Junk. She thrpws it in the trash and keeps packing.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                   I'll give you the raise!

GRETA (gives him the

FINGER)                   Here's your raise.

FLETCHER (into phone) Hi, Judge Stevens?... Yes, I                   know I haven't given you a                    reason. The PHONE RINGS.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                           (into phone) But if you could just do this for me, I-- The phone won't stop ringing. .·'

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                   Hold on, please, (pushes two

BUTTONS)                   Hello... Mom!!          The phone flies into the air. He catches it.

FLETCHER {CONT'D)                   Mom... Well, I wasn't actually                    on vacation... Because I                    didn't want to talk to you...                    Because you insist on talking                    to me about Dad's bowel                    movements -- size, color,                    frequency... I'll call you                    later... No, not really.          He pushes -two more buttons. Then SCREAMS.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                   Oh dammit! I cut him off! I                   cut off the Judge! Greta...         He falls to his knees.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                   I'm on my knees in a nine hundred dollar suit. Don't                   leave. Greta stops. She seems to consider.

GRETA A few years ago a friend of                   mine had a burglar up on her roof.

FLETCHER Yes?

GRETA           .. A burglar. -He fell through the kitchen skylight and landed on a cutting board on a                  butcher's knife, cutting his l e g. He sued my friend. The

burglar sued my friend. Thanks to guys like you-- he                   won. My friend had to pay him six thousand dollars. Is that justice?

FLETCHER No. .. but what' s your poijit!

GRETA My point is, it's hard to get justice. But this is justice, (pinches his

CHEEK)                   Have a nice day in court,                    bubbie.          She leaves.   Fletcher starts to give chase...

FLETCHER

GRETA-- He runs directly into Miranda.

FLETCHER Aaaah! Miranda smiles like a cat that's trapped a mouse.

MIRANDA Ah, Fletcher, so nice to bump i nto you. Are you busy?

FLETCHER Extremely.

MIRANDA Good. Would you follow me, please? Highly nervous, Fletcher follows Miranda down the hall.

MIRANDA (CONT'D)                  Fletcher, did you know that the partnership committee is                  being headed up by Mr. Allan himself? (off his wary

NOD)                  Say, you used to work directly                   for Mr. Allan, didn't you?                        (off his waried

NOD)                  Tell me, what do you think of                   him?

FLETCHER

(HELPLESS) He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless, steaming pile of cow dung.

MIRANDA

(GRINNING) How delightful! She swings open a door, ushering Fletcher into --

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

The room is filled with ATTORNEYS, including MR. ALLAN, the founder himself. Fletcher freezes.

MIRANDA Pardon me for interrupting your, meeting. Mr. Allan, you remember Fletcher Reid.

·

MR. ALLAN ·It's good to see you again, Fletcher. '.         An involuntary WHIMPER from Fletcher.

MIRANDA Oh, that's right. You used to                   work together. .Tell me, what do you think of Mr. Allah? Fl etc he r gulps. This is it. His career is history. He's         trying to hold it back, but--

MIRANDA I said... What do you think of                   Mr. Allan?

FLETCHER. He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless, steaming pile of cow dung. DE AN SILENCE. Then --Mr. Allan bursts into raucous LAUGHTER. He is joined by everyone except Miranda, who looks on, STUNNED. Everyone pounds the table in hysterics.

MR. ALLAN Marvelous! Marvelous! That's                   what I love most about this firm-- the collegial atmosphere, the hearty good- fellowship! Miranda is incensed.

MR. ALLAN (CONT'D)                   And thanks for those flowers for my anniversary. My wife loved them.

FLETCHER Well, I'm due in court... bye- bye.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Fletcher exits the conference, closes the door, breathes a         sigh of relief, then FAINTS. .

INT. COURTROOM

CLOSE UP of Fletcher, seated alone at a table. His hands are on his-face. He looks totally dazed. At the other table, sit Dana Appleton and Mr. Cole.

BAILIFF All rise. They do. Judge Stevens enters. He sits. Everyone sits.

JUDGE STEVENS Counselors, are we ready to                  begin?

FLETCHER (eagerly and a                          little too

LOUDLY)                  N o sir! We are not ready to                   b eg in. My client has not                   arrived.          The doors OPEN and Virginia Cole enters with her CHILDREN          and a NANNY.

FLETCHER     ·. --  until now.

He collapses into his chair.

(to Falk, with

DETERMINATION)                   Did you and Mrs. Cole ever                    make lo-- forni-- roll in the                    h-- make the beast with two                    ba -- Did you two ever fu--                    fu-- Fu!          He begins to hyperventilate.     Virginia turns to Falk.

VIRGINIA Wate r! Get him water! Falk hurries into the building as Fletcher hacks on.

FLETCHER Fu-- fu--

/

VIRGINIA S it down! Get some air! (slaps him on the

BACK)                   Try to relax! Breathe deeply!          Falk hurries out with a cup, hands it to Fletcher, who          downs it in one gulp -- then spews it out again, SCREAMING          in PAIN. -

VIRGINIA (CONT'D)                  W hat?! What?!

FALK I couldn't find any water, so                   I got him coffee! Fletcher runs up and down the steps, frantically fanning h is scalded mouth. The bailiff appears.

BAILIFF Judge is taking the bench. Fletcher's expression turns to terror.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

The judge settles in. Mr. Allan and a smug Miranda look on         from the gallery.

JUDGE STEVENS You may proceed, Mr. Reid. .         Everyone turns to Fletcher in anticipation. In a voice quaking with fear...

VIRGINIA Sorry. One of the kids threw up in the car. Virginia takes her seat, leaving her two young children sitting dejectedly in the gallery with their nanny.

FLETCHER

(INCREDULOUS

WHISPER)                   You brought your kids. . . to                    your divorce?

VIRGINIA (by way of

EXPLANATION)                   Sympathy.

FLETCHER Well, it's working. I feel sorry for them already. The judge BANGS the gavel.

JUDGE STEVENS Ms. Appleton, you may begin.

CUT TO: Dana Appleton questions BRYSON, a private investigator. Fletcher watches with mounting anxiety, NERVOUSLY DRINKS from a GLASS OF WATER at his table.

BRYSON (referring to his

NOTES)                   -- From March six through June                    twelve, I surveilled Mrs. Cole                    at the behest of Mr. Cole.                    During that period, I noted                    that Mr. Cole left each day                    between seven-forty and seven-                    fifty. Thereafter, Mrs. Cole                    would frequently have a male                    visitor arrive and stay for                    one to four hours. I was able                    to take several photographs of                    the male visitor.          He shows a photo - - o f a strapping hunk. Fletcher TAKES A

HUGE DRINK. .

DANA I see. And do you .know what Mrs. Cole and her male visitor

did during their frequent...                   visits?

BRYSON Well, they were pretty good about keeping the shades drawn -- but I sure was able to                   hear. I made an audiotape of                   one such., "session." H e hands her the tape. Fletcher refills his glass.

DANA With the Court's permission, I                   would like to play the tape.

FLETCHER Your Honor, I object!

JUDGE STEVENS And why is that, Mr. Reid?

FLETCHER (can't help

HIMSELF)                   Because it's devastating to my                   ·case.          The judge is startled by his candor.

JUDGE STEVENS Overruled.. As Dana pops the tape into a player, Fletcher anxiously

DOWNS THE GLASS. Periodically CUTTING to Virginia, Mr. Cole, Dan and the thirsty Fletcher, we hear Virginia and her visitor engaged in intense physical activity.

MALE VISITOR (O.S.) So, what did you say? You ready?

VIRGINIA (O.S.) Oh boy am I ready.

MALE VISITOR (O.S.) Good. Let me help you off with that. Come on, lie down.

VIRGINIA (O.S.) Wai t a minute. Do you have protection?

MALE VISITOR ( O . S . ) Right here. Okay, now I ' m                   gonna show you something new.

VIRGINIA ( O . S . ) Oh, I've never done it like this before. .·.

MALE VISITOR (O.S.) Don't worry, you can take it. Oh yeah. That's it. There you go. Yes! Yes! WE HEAR labored rhythmic breathing.

MALE VISITOR (O.S) (CONT'D)                   Yes, yes, yes -- As Dana fast-forwards again, then resumes... with still more labored breathing, building intensity and --

MALE VISITOR (O.S.) (CONT'D)                   Oh yeah, bring it on .home -- yes! Yes! Yes!

VIRGINIA (O.S.) Yes! YES! YES! The groans reach their incredible climax. There's a still moment. . .         As the shy COURT REPORTER, the macho BAILIFFS and the no- nonsense judge all mop their brows, Dana shuts off the tape. She turns to Fletcher with a satisfied smile.

DANA Your witness.

FLETCHER No questions.

JUDGE STEVENS No questions? .

VIRGINIA No questions?

FLETCHER (afraid to ask

ANY)                   No questions.

DANA

(TRIUMPHANT) Petitioner rests.

JUDGE STEVENS All right, Mr. Reid. You may proceed.

FLETCHER (to himself) How?! Gathering his courage, he stands, downs the last of his water, and moves to the lecturn. He's about to speak...         when a WONDERFUL FEELING sweeps through him. After a momement, he grins.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                   Would the Court be willing to                    grant me a short bathroom break?

JUDGE STEVENS It can't wait?

FLETCHER Not unless you want to mop up.

JUDGE STEVENS

(FRUSTRATED) All right, but get back in                   here immediately so .we can finish this. Fletcher beams. Then necessity compels him to race out.

INT. REST ROOM - DAY

Fletcher stands before the urinal, taking the longest leak i n legal history. Relief. Then, he looks at his watch. It's only 4:15. '

FLETCHER What did I think? That I                   could piss for forty-five minutes?! He HITS HIS FOREHEAD in frustration... and gets an idea. He HITS HIMSELF AGAIN and AGAIN, SMASHES HIS HEAD INTO THE WALL, POKES HIMSELF IN THE EYES, YANKS ON HIS EARS, finally KNOCKS HIMSELF IN THE STALL, where he continues his attack. A MAN enters, hears a commotion from behind the stall door.

MAN What's going on in-there?

FLETCHER (O . S . ) I ' m abusing myself! Do you mind?! The man looks disgusted. He carefully leaves the room.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

The judge is PISSED. Suddenly the bailiff helps in the severly beaten Fletcher. The entire courtroom is SHOCKED.

BAILIFF I found him like this in the bathroom. Somebody beat the hell out of him.

JUDGE STEVENS Who did this?

FLETCHER

(TRUTHFULLY) A madman, Your Honor.. A                   desperate fool at the end of                    his pitiful.rope.

JUDGE STEVENS -What did he look like?

FLETCHER

(DESCRIBING

HIMSELF)                   About five eleven, hundred                    eighty-five pounds, crazed                    look in his eye.

JUDGE STEVENS Bailiff, have the deputies search the building. A HUBBUB rises. He bangs the gavel.

JUDGE STEVENS (CONT'D)                  Under the circumstances, I                   have no choice but to recess this case until tomorrow morning at nine. Fletcher smiles serenly -- until --

JUDGE STEVENS (CONT'D)                   -- Unless, of course, you think you can still proceed? Fletcher covers his mouth in a desperate attempt to avoid answering, but he can't repress the truth.

JUDGE STEVENS (CONT'D)                   Can you?

FLETCHER Yes, I can.

JUDGE STEVENS Splendid. I admire your courage, Mr. Reid. I'll give you a few minutes to compose yourself, and then we'll get started. Fletcher looks as if he has just been sentenced to death.

EXT. COURTHOUSE STEPS - DAY

Fletcher sits on the courthouse steps, miserable. PHONE

RINGS.

FLETCHER Hello.

INTERCUT WITH MAX AT HOME. AUDREY IS THERE.

MAX Dad...

FLETCHER (summoning up

ENTHUSIASM)                   Maxi-pad. How's it going?

MAX Great. You know Paul and Emanuel from across the street?

FLETCHER The twins.

MAX.

(EXCITEDLY) Well, they never want to play baseball with me, but I told them I was gonna play tonight with my Dad, so now they want to play with us. Is it okay?

FLETCHER Sure.

MAX Oh boy. We're setting up a                   whole field in the yard. Where we buried Petey the hamster is second base. (Fletcher sighs) You're still coming right?'

FLETCHER (sees Virginia

APPROACHING)                   I'11 be there. I gotta go                    now, Max. I'll see you in two                    hours.          Max hangs up.

MAX (to Audrey) He's really coming. She smiles, but she's worried. .

COURTHOUSE STEPS

·

Virginia approaches with her handsome lover, LAURENCE FALK.

VIRGINIA Mr. Reid, you remember Laurence Falk, the man from the tape.

FALK How are you?

FLETCHER I've slipped into the seventh circle of Hell, thank you, and you? Virginia exchanges an anxious look with Falk.

VIRGINIA Shouldn't we go over our testimony?

FLETCHER Well, basically the plan is I                   walk you through the tape step by step, I ask you questions--

VIRGINIA And we give the explanation you came up with.

FLETCHER Exactly.

FALK So all we have to do is lie. Sounds simple enough.

FLETCHER Do esn't it? And I'll finish up with a dramatic series of                   questions, something like...                    "Mr. Falk, isn't it true that                    you and Mrs. Cole have never                    made lo--" But Fletcher GAGS. He CAN'T GET THE QUESTION OUT. The others look concerned, but he waves them off.

FLETHCER (CONT'D)                   Sorry. I'm fine. "Mr. Falk,                   isn't it true that you and                    Mrs. Cole have never made lo--

IO-.H

To his horror, he GAGS AGAIN, .unable to form the word.

FLETCHER (to himself) Oh my God! I can't do it! I                   can't finish the question if I                    know the answer is a lie! At this moment Miranda and Mr. Allan come up the steps.

MR. ALLAN Don't let me interrupt, Fletcher. I just want you to                   know I'll be observing this a fternoon. Miranda insisted I                   see you in action. Fletcher shoots a hateful look at Miranda. She smiles.

MR. ALLAN (CONT'D)                   I'm looking forward to it. Go                   get 'em!

Mr. Allan and Miranda head into the building, leaving Fletcher more desperate than before.

FLETCHER C'mon! Gotta rephrase the question!

FLETCHER Respondent calls... Lawrence Falk. Fletcher's clears his throat. Here goes...

FLETCHER Mr. Falk, do you know my                        client, Virginia Cole?

FALK Yes.

FLETCHER Isn't it true that your relationship with my client is                        entirely platonic, not? The "not" was INVOLUNTARY. It takes everyone by surprise.

FALK Excuse me?

FLETCHER If I might rephrase your Honor. (trying again) Is your relationship with my                       client entirely patonic, not?

X\                       Is your relationship with my                        client not entirely platonic? Is not your relationship with my client entirely platonic? (thinks he's got                              it, beams with

CONFIDENCE)                       Mr. Falk, is not your                        relationship with my client                        entirely platonic?

FALK

(CONFUSED) No. I mean, yes. I think.

FLETCHER Yes, is your relationship with my client not entirely platonic, or yes, is not your relationship with my client entirely platonic?

FALK What?

FLETCHER How 'bout just answering the question you think I'm asking? '

DANA Your Honor, he's badgering the wintness!

JUDGE STEVENS It's hig witness!

FLETCHER Did you ever not make lo-- Did you not ever make lo-- (losing it)

YOU HAD SEX WITH HER EVERYTIME

YOU MET, DIDN'T YOU? DIDN'T

YOU?!! Falk looks shaken as Fletcher barrels on, unable to stop

FLETCHER (screaming at

HIM)

ADMIT IT! YOU .SLAMMED HER!!

YOU STOKED THE FUR FIRE! YOU

-DID THE YAM DANCE! !

FALK (breaking down)

YES, YES,-- IT'S TRUE! I

HUMPED HER. BRAINS OUT! !         A GASP from the audience. All eyes are on Fletcher.

FLETCHER

(WEAKLY) No further questions.

DANA Uh...no questions.

JUDGE STEVENS (to Fletcher) Call your next witness.

FLETCHER I have no further witnesses, your Honor. A MURMUR erupts from the crowd.

JUDGE STEVENS You have no further witnesses?!

Fletcher meekly shakes his head, no.

VIRGINIA (whispers, to

FLETCHER)                   What are you doing? Call me.

FLETCHER (to Virginia) I can't.

JUDGE STEVENS Mr. Reid?

VIRGINIA Call me, damn it!

FLETCHER You don't understand. I can't                  lie. Until nine-sixteen tonight, I can't even.ask a                  question that calls for a lie! Virginia GRABS HIM BY THE TIE, pulls him CLOSE to her face.

VIRG INIA L is ten, you bastard. I want m y money. I am not gonna wind up a 31 year old divorce on                  welfare because my scum bag attorney had a sudden attack of conscience! Fletcher suddenly stops -- focused on something Virginia said.

FLETCHER (to himself) Thirty-one?

JUDGE STEVENS Mr. Reid, we're not getting any younger... Fletcher quickly looks at the blowup of Virginia's prenup and her passport.

JUDGE STEVENS (he's had it) Mr. Reid you have presented virtually nothing in the way of evidence and as such I have no choice but to rule in favor of --

FLETCHER

WAIT!

Silence.

FLETCHER     ·.

(DRAMATICALLY) Your Honor, I call Virginia Cole to the stand. Stunned, Virginia nervously makes her way up,

MR. ALLAN (in the gallery) What the hell is he doing?

MIRANDA Kissing his career goodbye. The Baliff stands before the witness.

BALIFP Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help -you God?

VIRGINIA I do. Fletcher approaches,. CONFIDENT NOW, COCKY.

FLETCHER Mrs. Cole -- may I call you Virginia?

VIRGINIA Yes.

FLETCHER But that would be a lie, wouldn't it?

VIRGINIA What do you mean?

FLETCHER Isn't your true name...

(BRANDISHING

PASSPORT)                    Carlotta?!

VIRGINIA Well, yes. But it wasn't me                   so I started using Virginia. Is there anything wrong with that?

FLETCHER        ·. Not really. It's just the first and smallest in the tissue of lies that is the Kleenex of your life. Let's                  take one simple document as a                   sample of your veracity, shall we, Carlotta? He grabs her purse from the desk, rifles through it,

F LETCHER Your driver's license. What color are your eyes?

VIRGINIA Blue.

FLETCHER Tru e blue? What if I asked you to remove your contact l enses? What color would they be then?

VIRGINIA

(RELUCTANTLY) Brown.

FLETCHER And here it says you're a                  b l on de. Are you? (off her silence) C'mon, Carlotta, there's a                  very easy way for us to check. If you don't remember, perhaps Mr. Falk will.

VIRGINIA Brunette.

FLETCH ER                  More like a dirty brown, isn't                   it? (she nods) Let's see -. - " Weight: one-o-                  five"? Please...

VIRGINIA. One-eighteen.

(off his look) One-twenty-six. I swear!

FLETCHER So on this single document, you basically lied at every opportunity. I'm sure a woman as vain as you would also lie about her age. It says you were born in 1964. What's the truth? 1962? '60? How young did you try to make yourself?

VIRGINIA

(JOYFULLY) Wrong! I didn't lie to make myself younger. I made myself older. I was born in 1965!"

FLETCHER

(FEIGNING

SURPRISE)         What? You're trying to tell          us you lied to make yourself          older?

VIRGINIA Yes! " lied so I could get          married! So .there Mister 'I

GOT-ALL-THE-ANSWERS-BECAUSE-I- went-to-law-school'!

JUDGE STEVENS Mr. Reid, does this have a         point?

FLETCHER Oh, you bet it does, your Honor! (on a roll) My client lied about her age because she was only 17 when s he got married. Which makes h er a minor. And in the great state of California, NO MINOR

CAN ENTER INTO A LEGAL

CONTRACT WITHOUT PARENTAL

CONSENT INCLUDING--

DANA (defeated, to

HERSELF)         Prenuptual agreements.

FLETCHER (knows he has

THEM)

PRENUPTUAL AGREEMENTS! THANK YOU VERY LITTLE! This contract is void!!! The fact that my client gets nailed · more often than a two-by-four is irrelevant. Standard community property applies and this woman is entitled to half of the marital assets or                   thirty-seven point three-nine- five million dollars!! (to Dana) Yo. . . . a e. . . . T A T T T ! !                     u         r           OSTT!

(DRAMATICALLY) Nothing further, your Honor!

A MURMUR OVERTAKES THE ROOM!

/

JUDGE STEVENS (banging his

GAVEL)                   Q uie t! Let me see-the license                    and birth certificate.          All is quiet while the Judge reviews the documents. Then:

JUDGE STEVENS In light of this new evidence, the court must rule in favor o f the defense. Mrs. Cole is                   hereby awarded half of the marital assets -or thirtyrseven million three hundred and ninety-five thousand dollars. The courtroom ERUPTS. FLETCHER'S WON! Dana, Mr. Cole are devastated. '

MR. ALLAN That son of bitch pulled it                   off! Mr. Allan gives Fletcher a thumbs-up; simultaneously, Miranda gives him the finger.

JUDGE STEVENS O r d e r ! Order!! Now i                   understand both parties have agreed to joint custody. Is                   that correct?

FLETCHER AND DANA

YES--

VIRGINIA No! I'm contesting custody.

Fletcher freezes.

FLETCHER What?

VIRGINIA (re: her husband) Payback. For him trying to                   prevent me from collecting my                    thirty-seven million.

FLETCHER He was entitled to prevent you. You committed adultery.' You only won because you're a                   liar, remember? .

VIRGINIA No. You pointed out that my                  husband took advantage of a                   poor underage girl. I was the vic tim here. And now I'm                  going to hit him where it                   hurts.

FLETCHER But -- but -- you said he was a good father.

JUDGE STEVENS M r. Reid? Do we have an                  agreement on custody or not? Fletcher takes a distressed look at the children.

FLETCHER No..

JUDGE STEVENS In that case, there will be a                  custody hearing tomorrow mor ning at nine. Court is                  adj ourned! He BANGS THE GAVEL. Everyone gets up, but Fletcher's         attention is drawn to a commotion between Virginia and her kids.

VIRGINIA Stop that! We're leaving now!

CHILD I want to go with Daddy.

V,'

,-

.-               Fletcher watches, horrified, as she drags the kids away from their tearful father.

MR. COLE Don't worry. I'll see you no                         matter what. I promise. Mr. Allan has made his way up to Fletcher.

MR. ALLAN (re: the

COMMOTION)                         I love kids. They give you so                          much leverage in a case like                          this.                               (pats Fletcher on

BACK)                         Congratulations, partner. how                          does it feel?                And with that question asked, as he watches poor Mr. Cole                and his kids, the truth dawns on Fletcher like a                sledgehammer!

FLETCHER ' Excuse me. Just a second. (to the Judge) Y our Honor? Your Honor? Wait!

JUDGE STEVENS We',re adjourned, Mr. Reid.

FLETCHER Screw that!! She lies and she wins ?! What are we, nuts? Everyone stops, watches Fletcher.

FLETCHER (CONT'D)                         T his woman --my client -- goes down with the frequency of a nuclear submarine and we                         just gave her thirty seven million dollars because she's                         a liar! And now as an extra added little bonus, we're                         going to let her steal, the kids, too?

JUDGE STEVENS Mr. Reid, you are out of                  order!

FLETCHER

(SCREAMING)

· SO'S THE HAND DRYER IN THE MEN'S ROOM!! Do you ever stop to ask yourself, why do people hate us? Could it be because what we did here today sucks?! We don't care about the truth! We don't want to find the t r u th ! We want to win! We                  want to win at all costs...and you know what the worst thing about wanting to win so badly i s ? WINNING! Winning and finding out you're left with nothing!

JUDGE STEVENS That's enough, Mr. Reid --

FLETCHER -Let' s see what I' ve done today. I've helped a gold digging slut get richer. I'm                  taking this guy's kids away. (to Mr. Allan) I don't like you in the least, now I'm one of your partners!

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT IT FEELS

LIKE MR. ALLAN? IT FEELS LIKE

SHIT! BUT TO TELL YOU IT

FEELS LIKE SHIT, FEELS FUCKING

GREAT 1 I         Fletcher does feel strangely fantastic. Free,

JUDGE STEVENS That's it, Mr..Reid. I find you in contempt!

FLETCHER

GOOD! I'M CONTEMPTIBLE! MY

WHOLE GODDAMN LIFE IS JUST ONE

BIG FAT FIB! YOU LIKE MY

HAIR? --                        (mussing hair)

MOUSSED! SHOULDERS -- (ripping out

PADS)

PADDED! SHOES --

(kicking them

OFF)

LIFTED! TEETH -- (pulling out

CAPS)

CAP PED! FIV E-NIN ETY A

CHICKLET!!

COMMOTION in the court. The judge BANGS HIS GAVEL!!!

JUDGE STEVENS Bailiff! Remove Mr. Reid from the courtroom!

FLETCHER Yo u wanna know the truth? Oh                   yeah, let's let it rain... The truth is is that I've traded my life...a beautiful wife, an                   incredible son for THIS PISS

POT OF BIG DOUBLE O'S!         The bailiff grabs Fletcher, forces him out...

FLETCHER

GO AHEAD, YOUR HONOR, BANG

YOUR GAVEL .-- KEEP TELLING

YOURSELF YOU'RE A BIG SHOT! DO

I SENSE A CASE OF GAVEL ENVY!!

WHAT'S THAT UNDER YOUR ROBE --

INSUFFICIENT EVIDENCE?!! (the judge is                         turning beet

RED)

. I TOUCHED A NERVE DIDN'T I?

WE'RE ALL A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT

ARTISTS!! IS THAT THE TRUTH

IN YOUR PANTS OR ARE YOU JUST

HAPPY TO SEE ME?? Fletcher is pushed passed Mr. Allan.

MR. ALLAN You just killed your career. I hope you're happy.

FLETCHER

I'M BEYOND HAPPY MY BUTT FACED

FRIEND--- I'M EUPHORIC!

EXT. AUDREY'S PORCH -'DAY

A sad Max is seated on the steps. TWO other BOYS are there with baseball equipment.

PAUL We're going home.

EMMANUEL Yeah, thanks for the great game, Max. Emanuel knocks Max's hat off. Audrey's been watching from the door. She goes and sits by her son.

AUDREY Max, honey. Your dad had a                   very big case today. It                   probably just--

MAX I don't want to talk about it.

AUDREY Okay.

MAX

(SUDDENLY) I hate dad! I hate him!

AUDREY Honey, don^t say that. Max is really upset. It's "that look" and then some. The look Audrey never wanted to see again. She makes a         decision.

AUDREY Max, there's something I-want to talk to you about. ..

INT. JAIL AREA

Fletcher's handcuffed and is led to jail by TWO OFFICERS-. There's a happy/crazedness to him now. The truth is         pouring forth, but he looks way, way off the deep end.

(desperately,                            p as si ng a phone) Pho ne call!! Phone call!! I                     g et to make a phone call!!

INT. AUDREY'S KITCHEN -- DAY

Max and Audrey at the table. The airline tickets Jerry gave her are in front of them.

MAX When would we move?

AUDREY Soon. My semester's almost over. You only have a week left of school... You like Jerry don't you? (he nods) So what do you say, should we                     check it out? Jerry wants us                     to come with him tonight. He                     has to pick out a place to                      live and he really wants our help?

MAX Could I get a sled for when it                     snows?

AUDREY Of course you can. Max thinks, then:

MAX Okay.

INT. JAIL

F l e t c h e r ' s holding a phone. He's frantic, now.

F L E TC H E R                           ( re: ringing

PHONE)                     Answer! Answer!! Answer!! !

%

The phone RINGS, Audrey answers it.

AUDREY Hello. .

INTERCUT FLETCHER/AUDREY

FLETCHER Audrey! It's Fletcher--

AUDREY

(PISSED) I can't talk now, Fletcher. We have to pack.

FLETCHER Wait, the most amazing thing's                   happened to me! I am feeling so good...

(REALIZING) Pack?! Did you say pack?!

AUDREY Max was sitting on the porch again, waiting for his dad. I                   won't let you do this to him anymore. I won't let you do                   this to me.

FLETCHER A ud rey, wait. Please, I need to talk to you. I .swear, I'm                   a changed man. Just come to                   the courthouse with a thousand dollars and bail me out...                   Hello? (to a cop) O ne more call!! I need another call!!

INT. JAIL CELL - DAY

Fletcher is pacing back and forth. A GROUP OF TOUGH PRISONERS are on the far side of the cell, trying to stay as far away from Fletcher as they can.

FLETCHER And what about our water su pply ? You don't think "the                   man's" dumped enough toxins to                    render every dick in this cell as lifeless as a beached minn ow? You're damn rightJ "The man" does anything he                   w an ts. We're nothing but pu ppets... Little game pieces they move back and forth. A DEPUTY appears. '

DEPUTY Mr. Reid. ^

FLETCHER That's me. Fletcher T. Reid. Pawn no. 332-154-9867.

DEPUTY You made bail. Some woman.

INT. OUTER AREA

Fletcher rushes in.

FLETCHER Audrey? (he spots) Greta?!

GRETA Am I too late? Have you been se xu al ly molested yet? I                  could circle the block.

FLETCHER Greta! Greta!! . . . . Look at                  you, you well preserved, underpaid, overworked, underappreciated thing you. G iv e me a hug! You came and got me out!! Hug me!!

GRETA (totally wierded

OUT)                  Yes, well, I heard you went                   all noble in front of Mr.                   Allan so--

FLETCHER Y ou know what?! I love you. I loveyouloveyouloveyou. I                  wa nt to hug you. Come here..,

GRETA Mr. Reid, what has gotten intc to you?!

FLETCHER Just the truth, Greta. Fifteen years of being stuck in a lie is nowhere near as                  powerful as one day of being stuck in the truth.

(checks his

WATCH)                   Oh, my God!! I have to go!                    Thanks again, Greta!                         (as he runs off he calls back to

HER)                   By the way, the truth is that                    I need you and I couldn't file                    a paperclip without you!          Greta smiles, then catches herself, and quickly regains her          "composure".

CUT TO:

EXT.STREETS/INT. BMW

Fletcher's driving like a madman...

FLETCHER (on his phone) Answeransweransweranswer... We HEAR a RECORDED VOICE:

·

VOICE The subscriber you called is                   either unavailable or outside the calling area.

FLE TCHER Shit!!

INT. LAX UNITED TERMINAL - DAY

A udrey and Max meet Jerry by the ticket counter. Max is         wearing the Dodger cap his dad gave him. Jerry surprises him with a Boston Red Sox hat.

JERRY A little going away present. I was gonna get you a bowl of                   clam chowder but they only had Manhattan.

A UDREY Say thank you, Max.

MAX Thanks. ·.         Max takes off the hat his dad gave him and replaces it with the Boston hat.

INT. BMW - DAY

Fletcher's on the phone. He sails passed a parked POLICE

CAR.

FLETCHER (into phone) Shelton, Jerry Shelton. What time's that flight leave? 7:50. Thank you. (checks his

WATCH)                   Oh, shit! Shit!! Shit!          Fletcher spots the FLASHING LIGHTS.

FLETCHER Shiiiiit!!! He pulls over -- so quick he jumps the curb.

POLICE OFFICER Would you step out of the car, please? Fletcher obeys.

FLETCHER Listen; I know I'm driving a                   little crazy but i have an                    emergency to attend to...          The cop's just getting off his walkie talkie.

POLICE OFFICER I'm impounding this vehicle.

FLETCHER W h y ? What for? For changing lanes?

POLICE OFFICER I just ran your tags through the computer. You've got. seventeen unpaid parking tickets.

FLETCHER No ! I paid them! This morning! That's the truth! I                  swear!!

POLICE OFFICER Not according to the computer.

FLETCHER The computer is wrong! It                  ' hasn't been updated. The computer's a liar!

POLICE OFFICER You can straighten it out at                      the impound yard.

FLETCHER (checks his                             watch, firmly)

NO!

POLICE OFFICER No?

FLETCHER That's right, no! I'm not gonna lose my son because some stupid clerk was too lazy to                   update the computer. (getting cockier.                          as he goes) Now if you want to follow me, . you can follow me and take the car after I get where I'm                   going. I'm a lawyer and I                   k now my rights! Understand?!

CUT TO: A TOW TRUCK drives away with Fletcher's car, leaving Fletcher stranded.

EXT. STREETS - DAY                     '

Fletcher frantically tries to hail a...

FLE TCHER T axi! Taxi!! No luck. He spots

A PAYPHONE digs through the Yellow Pages. Finds "Ten Minute Taxi". Yes ! He fishes for change. Shit! He doesn't have any!!

FLETCHER (looking.

HEAVENWARD)                   Noooo!!!          He spots a man walking by.

FLETCHER 'Scuse me, sir. Do you have any - - The man turns. It's the same BEGGAR Fletcher was rude to         outside the courthouse.

BEGGAR Change? Absolutely. He continues walking.

FLETCHER Could you spare some?

BEGGAR Unquestionably. The beggar continues on.

'              FLETCHER Alright, I get your point. But this is a crisis! Look, I'll give you ten bucks. The beggar pulls out a quarter and holds it up.

BEGGAR

(ADMIRING

QUARTER)                     It's so shiny and new.

FLETCHER Tw ent y..

BEGGAR Minted in Denver. Imagine that.

FLETCHER Thirty-four. That's all I                     have. A moment as the beggar thinks, then:

BEGGAR It's worth twice that to screw you. He walks off, grinning.

FLETCHER

JERKOFF!

BEGGAR

LAWYER! Fletcher turns, spots a familiar building in the distance.

FLE TCH ER                   M y office!!

INT. LOBBY FLETCHER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

He starts in the front door, when a SECURITY GUARD stops him.

SECURITY GUARD Whoa, where do you think you're going?

FLETCHER I just need to use the phone to call a cab. I work here.

MR. ALLAN (O.S.) Used to work here. Mr. Allan has just exited the elevator.

...                      ·

MR. ALLAN (to security

GUARD)                   Son, that man is tresspassing.          The guard starts toward Fletcher threateningly.

FLETCHER Hold it! (to Mr. Allan) I've got ten years worth of                  dirt on you and this firm, and I'm in the kind of mood today to get a lot off my chest. You let me use the phone or I                  start talking!!

CUT TO: Fletcher's is THROWN ON HIS ASS in the street. Mr. Allan has watched from atop the stairs of the building.

MR. ALLAN Still euphoric, Reid? He goes back inside.· Fletcher starts to get up when a CAR SCREECHES to a HALT, inches away.

MAN'S VOICE ( O . S . ) Fletcher! ·         It's PHILIP.

PHILIP Seven-thirty... It's Karaoke time! Fletcher runs up and HUGS the astonished man,

FLETCHER

PHILIP!! LOOK AT YOU!!! MY

PHILIP!!

Fletcher KISSES HIM ON THE LIPS.

INT. PHILIP'S CAR - DAY

Philip's driving Fletcher.

FLETCHER You're saving my life, Philip.

PHILIP You know, it's funny, but for some reason I was beginning to                   think you didn't like me. Isn't that silly?

FLETCHER. No. It's not silly. I don't                   like you.

PHILIP What?

FLETCHER I don't like you. I'm sorry. I find you boring. I hate ch ara des. And you wouldn't                  know a good time if it sat on                   your face. (feels bad) I'm sorry. It was easier than telling you how I really felt. Are you upset? A moment, then:

PHILIP No. To be honest, I don't                  like you either. You treat people like obstacles and you cheat at charades. .

FLETCHER Then why are you always trying to socialize with me?

PHILIP You're a client. I figured if                    I didn't try to be your friend, you'd get a new accountant.

FLETCHER Philip, I don't like you as a                    person, but I'm crazy about you as my accountant. I ' d                    never hire a new accountant. Never!

PHILIP So we don't have to like each other anymore?

FLETCHER   - Not at all.

.             PHILIP All right. Sooner I get you ·to the airport, sooner I can dump your sorry ass off.

EXT. AIRPORT -- DAY

Philip's car skids to a stop. Fletcher jumps out.

INT. LAX TERMINAL - DAY.

Fletcher races in.

FLETCHER Bedelayed. Bedelayed. Fog, rain, something, anything... He sees the DEPARTURE BOARD " F li g ht 69. Departs 7:50. On Time. Gate 17." Fletcher looks at the clock -- It's 7:46!! Holy Shit!!

INT. LAX ESCALATOR

Fletcher pushes his way HE a crowded escalator. Past people standing on the left despite the SIGN that says

STAND ON RIGHT.

FLETCHER Excuse me. . . excuse me. . . Come on folks, let's let the frantic man pass... Sorry...                   Thank... you... Standing on                   the right, passing on the left. They can't make this- deal any easier than it is...                   Come on... coming through...          At the top,- a WOMAN in a NURSES UNIFORM asks for money...

WOMAN Help the poor?...

FLETCHER (speeding past) I don't trust you. I don't                  know what the hell that uniform is. Sorry. (a Hare Krishna                         tries to stop

HIM)

NOT NOW, TOGA BOY!

INT. LAX - SECURITY AREA

Fortunately, there's no line at the metal detector. Fletcher races right by but SETS OFF THE ALARM.

INSPECTOR Please step through again.

FLETCHER Ahhh!! !   Damn..; Fletcher frantically tosses his keys, cufflinks, his Rolex into a tray. He tries again. It BUZZES again!

FLETCHER What? I'tii practically naked! A guy in a TURBAN passes over him with a DETECTOR WAND.

FLETCHER It's called a ZIPPER, Hodgy...

The wand BEEPS over Fletchers front pocket. He reaches in         and pulls out the now familiar BLUE PEN...

INT. LAX - DEPARTURE CONCOURSE

Fletcher races by Gate 15, 16, gets to 1 7. . . but sees the PLANE Slowly TAXIING AWAY.

FL E TC H ER                   N ooo!!! Fletcher spots a door marked "NOT AN EXIT". Goes for it         when a FLIGHT ATTENDANT interrupts.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT Can I help you?

FLETCHER Look out!! ! --

(TRUTHFUL)

-NOTHING'S COMING!! The woman raises her eyebrows and looks anyway. And Fletcher BOLTS THROUGH THE EXIT!

EXT. TARMAC - DAY

He scurries down a flight of stairs calling after the plane which is moving away. No way he'll catch it. Then, he sees a MECHANIC working on a MOBILE STAIRS UNIT (These are the steps they pull up to planes) Fletcher gets an insane idea. . .         The worker hears an ENGINE START, looks up to SEE FLETCHER in the truck, driving off, TOWING THE STAIRS.

WORKER Hey!! Hey!!!! But Fletcher's gone.

EXT. AIRPLANE - DAY

Fletcher's DRIVING THE STAIRS trying to catch up with the plane. GROUND WORKERS react. Soon, the "stairs" are racing alongside the plane. Fletcher looks for signs of Audrey and Max but he's too low to see in the plane. He grabs the TOOL BOX'on the passenger's seat,-puts it on         the accelerator, pinning it to the floor. Then, he CLIMBS

THE STEPS!

The "stairs" sway back and forth as he reaches the top.

INT. AIRPLANE - DAY - MOVING

PASSENGERS calmly read while outside FLETCHER speeds along, WAVING HIS ARMS like a maniac. The ENGINE NOISE drowns out his call for...

F LET CH ER

MA X ? !!  AUDREYY?!!

A STEWARDESS stands in the aisle, giving the safety lecture.

STEWARDESS In case of a water landing, please use your seat cushion

AS-- ·Her MOUTH DROPS as she notices Fletcher.

EXT. TARMAC - DAY

Fletcher is BANGING on the windows. People on the plane POINT, STARE in amazement. Fletcher looks ahead, SEES the stairs about to CRASH INTO THE WING! Fletcher desperately fiddles with some controls. At the last second, finds the one that LOWERS THE STAIRS. He surfs under the wing...         ...    and RAISES UP THE STAIRS at the other side. Fletcher's at the front of the plane, where he finally spots. ..

MAX, AUDREY AND JERRY SEATED IN THE BULKHEAD Max has the window seat, Audrey arid Jerry are next to him. Audrey has on her headset and Jerry is looking for his seatbelt. NEITHER SEES FLETCHER. Fletcher SCREAMS to get their attention. But it's TOO

NOISY. Then, Fletcher looks ahead and his EYES GO WIDE!

FLETCHER'S POV The RUNWAY is ENDING!.

Just then, Max looks up...SEES HIS DAD. Audrey is now trying to help Jerry find his seat belt.

AUDREY (checks under his

SEAT)                    It's right here, honey.

M AX                    Mom! Mom!! '

AUDREY Just a second, Max.

MAX Mom, it's dad!

AU DREY W hat? What about dad? Audrey turns. Then she sees Fletcher WAVING weakly...

AUDREY Fletcher?!

AT THAT INSTANT -- THE PLANE MAKES A SHARP TURN! BUT THE STAIRS DON'T! They keeps going straight, heading · right for the END OF THE RUNWAY and a parked LOADED LUGGAGE

CART. . -         And BAM! FLETCHER, THE STAIRS, THE LUGGAGE ALL GO FLYING!

Audrey strains to watch as FLETCHER lands hard ONTO A

MOUNTAIN OF BAGGAGE!

CLOSE ON FLETCHER

With all the strength he has he lifts his head, sees he's         in one piece, and then COLLAPSES IN DEFEAT.

CUT TO:

INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT

Fletcher's BANGED UP pretty good. His head is BANDAGED. He.puts a COLD COMPRESS to his BRUISED FOREHEAD and WINCES.

FLETCHER (mumbles to

HIMSELF)                    Oh boy, the truth hurts.   Yes                     indeed.

DEPUTY Mr. Reid. Someone made bail for you.

EXT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT

Fletcher comes out LIMPING, totally dishevelled, missing a         shoe, and still holding the compress.

FLETCHER

(WEAKLY) Greta? Is that you? He looks up and is surprised to see AUDREY and JERRY waiting for him just outside the door. Max is sitting at the bottom of the stairs, still ANGRY. He sees his dad, then quickly turns away.

FLETCHER (to Audrey and                         Jerry, trying to                          seem chipper) Sorry I made you miss your flight, not really. (no response) You're obviously a little . upset, not that I blame you... although I'll bet you'll still get the bonus miles. ..

AUDREY Fletcher, are you crazy? What were you doing?

FLETC HER That's two questions. A; Yes, but I think the legal term is                   temporarily insane. And B; I                   was trying to finally have that talk with you about Boston. Audrey's patience are growing thin...

FLETCHER Okay, okay... The whole truth and nothing but the truth, (with difficulty,

SINCERELY)                  I tried to stop the plane                   because it was taking off with                   my life... you and Max.          This comes as a surprise to Audrey. Not just what Fletcher          said, but the way he said it.

FLETCHER I know you've met somebody...                   somebody pretty great... and the truth is I wish you didn't                   but you did and... All I ' m                   asking i s. . . Please don't move to Boston. Please don't take Max away. She's definitely moved by Fletcher, but not convinced.

AUDREY You can come visit anytime. It's only a four hour flight.

FLETCHER I don't want to visit him. That's what I've been doing-- visiting him, dropping by, stopping in. I want to be in                   his life. I don't want to be                   some jerk that sees him at                    Easter. I want to be his father. Fletcher turns to Jerry.

FLETCHER I know I have no right to ask, but can I talk you out of                  taki ng that job? I can get you a better job here in L.A.                  I've got all kinds of                   connect ions... what do you do                  again?

JERRY I design security systems.

FLETCHER How symbolic. Okay great. You know Pac-Tec?

JERRY The biggest.

FLETCHER One of their systems shorted out and burned down a                  supermarket. I got them off. Another proud day for justice. If I ask them they'll beat your Boston offer in two s ec on ds. ..

AUDREY Don't put Jerry in the middle.

JERRY It's okay. (to Fletcher) Boston means this (snaps his

FINGERS)                   to me. All I want is for this                    lady and Max to be happy.                    Preferably, with me. Whatever                    they want, I'll go along with.          They both look to Audrey.

AUDREY All I want is for Max to be                   happy. Audrey looks over to Max seated at the bottom of the stairs. He's still upset.

AUDREY You better know your jury. You're hot exactly Max's hero today.

FLETCHER Just let me present my case. Fletcher walks over,, tries to be playful, starts WALKING,

TALKING LIKE THE TERMINATOR.

FLETCHER/TERMINATOR I have been sent from the future to destroy you. . .                   Argghhh! (no response, a

BEAT)                   You mad at me?          Max nods. Fletcher's at a loss for how to begin. Then:

FLETCHER You wanted me to stop lying. But lying isn't the problem. ..                   Why we lie ~ that's the problem. Sometimes we lie to                   make someone else feel better. But sometimes we lie because the truth gets in our way... (touches him) But being an adult means you sacrifice some things for more

important things. Much more important things. I was so                   stupid, Max. (pointing to his                          own head) Malfunction in vector one. All this time you've been here and I could see you anytime I                   felt like it. And I...                   didn't. Please don't go to                    Boston. Max, I love you more than anything else in the world and you know it's true. I couldn't say it if it                   weren't true. Not today. A moment as Max studies his father, then:

MAX (to Audrey) He's telling the truth, Mom. He's not allowed to lie. I                   made a wish and anything Dad says has to be the truth. (to Fletcher) .. Right? But Fletcher's looking at his watch...

FLETCHER Max. .. it's 9:22.

AUDREY What?

FLETCHER Max, you made the wish at                   9:15. I've been able to lie for the last seven minutes. Max steps away from Fletcher.

MAX So then, you were...

FLETCHER No! It wasn't a lie. I just wanted to be honest with you and tell you -- there was no                   wish to guarantee it anymore. You just have to believe me. Max looks at Audrey, who is letting Max decide for himself Max looks at Fletcher and tries to decide.

MAX (to Audrey) Mommy... do we have to go to                    Boston? Audrey looks at Jerry, then back at Max.

AUDR EY                    No. We don't have to. Fletcher hugs his son -- the kind of hug that says "I'll         never let you go."

MAX (to Fletcher) Can we play catch tomorrow? Fletcher smiles. ..

EXT. PARK - DAY

A beautiful park with a basball diamond. Fletcher is         seated on a bench, waiting. He's dressed in sweats, with a         baseball glove. Soon, Jerry, Audrey, and Max pull up...

M AX                    Dad! !

FLETCH ER                    Ma x i mu m ! !         Fletcher picks Max up.

MAX Transformer!!! .         Fletcher and Max do the TRANSFORMER ROUTINE again...

FLETCHER Malfunction in vector seven. I have lost control of my                    affection reflex...          Fletcher starts KISSING MAX on the head over and over. He         sees Audrey.

FLETCHER Procreate! Procreate!

AUDREY

(PLAYFULLY) Fletcher... You're gonna lose a limb--

MAX Come on, dad, let's play catch!!

FLETCHER Sr. ..

UE                         (starts to toss

MAX)                   Here you go, mom.                          (Max screams)                    Oh, you mean with a ball...          He puts Max down. Max runs into position. Fletcher stops          for a second and turns to Jerry, man to man.

FLETCHER I take back every dirty, dishonest thing I ever said about you, wrote about you, faxed about you, E-mailed about you.

JERRY Appreciated. Fletcher tosses the baseball up and down.

FLETCHER So, you up for a little friendly competition?

JERRY No, you go play with your son.

FLETCHER I wasn't talking about basesball. A slow smile from Jerry. Fletcher winks and tosses the ball to Max.

FLETCHER (to Max) Alright, it's time to show you the old Fletcher Reid change up.

Fletcher winds up in an EXAGERATED SUPER FAST MOTION, then instantly shifts to SUPER SLOW MOTION. Max CRACKS UP. Audrey LAUGHS. Jerry can't help but smile, too. There may be better things in life... but at this moment, it's hard to think of a single one. Honestly.

THE END