Old Stan in the Mountain

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! You fellas interested in playing a little b-ball after work today? I can't do it today. I'm going to a camping store with my kids to get some new hiking equipment. Hey, how'd you get your kids so into hiking? Well, Hayley's always loved being outdoors, And Steve got into it because I called it trekking, and he thought Nimoy would be involved. You got a dumb nerd son, Stan. My ultimate goal is to climb this. Bret Michaels? Kilimanjaro. What magazine is that? People. Damn it! Bullock just told me I can't do the Urban Assault Vehicle presentation to the Joint Chiefs of Staff! What?! Oh, come on! I think Bullock's right. You're too old. That's why I told Bullock I'd do the presentation. Who are you to say I'm too old?! Ray, you microwaved a sponge yesterday, thinking it was a Hot Pocket. You cooked it for 30 seconds, flipped it over, and then cooked it another 30 seconds. You had a lot of opportunities to see it wasn't food. Stan, you're gonna be my age one day. We'll see how you feel then. Ray, when I'm your age, I want to be dead for ten years. God, what is taking so long? What is this, Old Man Day? What a terrible holiday that would be. Thousands of pigeons would die from overfeeding. You're taking way too long up here, buddy. I mean, what could you possibly be buying? This isn't a pharmacy. Dad, go easy on this guy. I'm just being honest. Old people just get in the way. Their lives are worthless. Young people like me do things. I work. I contribute. I'm gonna climb Mount Kilimanjaro one day. The only thing this geezer's gonna climb into is a lukewarm bath his Filipino nurse drew for him. He'll yell at her for making it too hot, but she knows it's just right. She'll never win with this guy. She'll just cool it off, and then, he'll yell at her for making it too cold. Thank God she has her herb garden to keep her sane. You know, old people have their place in society, Dad. Yeah, it's called a coffin. Ingredior in meus calceus quod vos mos agnosco. What the hell did he just say to me? Well, it was in a foreign language, so it was probably "Death to America. " I think he said "I'm losing the war against gingivitis. " Whew. I like yours. We're gonna go with yours. Five, six, seven, eight. Oh, my God, you stupid bitch, why did you drop me? I can't breathe. Why can't you do that move? You stupid bitch, I'll kill you. Please, Roger. I'm trying. God, six months of rehearsing, and you still can't do that move! How do you expect us to win the Vizio $100,000 Dance-Off, sponsored by Capezio? I'm just not sure I'm ever gonna get it. You better get it. I'm getting it, and I'm dealing with some serious wig problems. Why can't they make a good red wig? I look like Garfield had a miscarriage on my head. Please, Roger. That move is so hard. Look, if you put your mind to it, you can achieve it. You have to keep at it. It's called tenacity. And this is called Fine Ass City. One policeman's flashlight. Ugh, I look terrible. I look like Chelsea Handler Uh. What What time is it? You've been sleeping through Monk repeats and cutting wake-up farts. What is it with me today? I know, you're acting so stupid, man. Oh, I'm up! Stan, you look horrible. And he's acting so stupid, man. I think you should see a doctor. Maybe we shouldn't go to the dance contest. Nonsense. He's fine. All you need to worry about is dancing your little fanny off. See a doctor immediately. You're obviously dying. Well, Mr. Smith, it seems that you have aged. I have AIDS?! No, no, not AIDS. You've aged. I'm being paged? No, not paged. Aged. I have AIDS?! Again?! This should help your hearing, but more importantly, end this bit. Mr. Smith, my concern is that two months ago, you were in great health, but now you have the body of a 75-year-old man. What?! You're aging at an alarming rate. How did this happen?! Well, let's see. - Do you smoke? - No. Are you President of the United States? No. Mm-hmm. Have you been cursed and/or hexed recently by someone old and/or magical? Dad, I think maybe that creepy guy at the camping store hexed you, and now you're turning into an old man. Wait. Are hexes even real? I find that most things are. Y'all sayin' Texas ain't real? No. Hexes. Oh, okay, good, yeah. 'Cause Texas is real, that's for sure. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna have my penis removed, in the first of many painful steps Hey, what are you guys watching? Dad got hexed, so I rented a bunch of hex-based Disney movies to figure out how to break it. First up is Freaky Friday. That's a body switching movie, you dink. You want to learn about a hex, watch The Shaggy Dog. You want to learn how to feel, I mean really feel, watch Marley & Me. That phrase the old man said to you was in Latin, but I can't find the translation. What did he say exactly? It was something "in meus calceus," something "mos agnosco. " "Ingredior in meus calceus quod vos mos agnosco. " It means, "Walk in my shoes, and you will know. " It's a really good hex. How do you knoso much about hexes? I do a lot of reading because, you know, I sit in a (bleep) bowl all (bleep) day. I'm not giving into this hex. I'm a young man, and by gum, I'm going to live like a young man! Did you just say "by gum"? Aah! Okay. Radical. Okay, what's with the getup, Stan? I just got back from Beer Pong Coachella, and didn't have time to change. Why, hello, Shia LaBeouf. I loved youu in Holes. I'm joking, Smith. I knew it was you. You look ridiculous. Now let's go. It's time to demonstrate the Urban Assault Vehicle to the Joint Chiefs. Is that a hearing aid in your ear? No. It's my Bluetooth. Yo, what up, Slick? It's my homey, Slick. All right then, Slick. Stan, you didn't tell Slick I said hello. Slick was my homey long before he was yours. Okay, here's today's itinerary. We check into the hotel, I shower real quick, then we go to the hotel's common room to rehearse. I'm still a little nervous about getting that dance move down. You'll get it. Remember, it's all about tenacity. Why are we stopping here? Francine, I haven't been entirely truthful with you. There is no dance competition. What?! You mean they cancelled it? No, it never existed. You see, a dear friend of mine's been sick, and I needed a way to make sure you'd come with me to Louisville when she finally passed away. You know, for emotional support. This seemed easier than just asking you. Uh, I I I don't understand. We've been rehearsing for six months. Look Look what I'm wearing! I know. You're gonna look ridiculous. I was going to pack you something dressy, but then I decided to pack my ukulele instead. I suck at this. Gentlemen, our finest agent, Stan Smith, will demonstrate the 2010 Urban Assault Vehicle. Crab apples! Gentlemen, it's the fastest tank we've ever built. Tops over 90 miles an hour. Smith, you have the emergency brake on. Release it now! Code Red! That went well. Is that your revenge, Ray? Hmm? Saying that line to me? Why is everybody staring at us? Maybe 'cause we're at a funeral, and you got your taters out. You've got some nerve coming here. Roger, what is going on here? Francine, I haven't been entirely truthful with you. The woman who died wasn't exactly a friend. She was my ex-wife. What?! Unfortunately, I left her when she was terminally ill. I hate you. Settle down, Vincent. Vincent was my stepson for a brief time. How's online college, Vincent? You a court reporter yet? Dad, wha-what's wrong? The CIA put me on temporary leave. What?! Why?! Oh, I-I filed something wrong. It-It certainly wasn't because I killed the Secretary of Defense. Oh, Dad, I'm so sorry. They also said I have dementia. You know what? They're right to do it. I'm a useless old man. I have no sense of temperature, I got a pocket full of wet hankies, and all I want is 45 more seconds to speak at a town council meeting. Just hang in there, Dad. We'll figure out how to break this hex. You know, in every classic hex movie, the victim has to prove himself by performing some grand feat. For example, in The Santa Clause, Tim Allen had to deliver all of Santa's presents on Christmas Eve to break his cocaine hex. Wait. What did the old man say again? Something about walking a mile in his shoes. Walk a mile in his shoes. Kilimanjaro! He wants me to climb Kilimanjaro! But in his shoes as an old man! I don't know about that, Dad. No, no, no, Stan might be right here. He did tell the old man in the store he was gonna climb it. How did you hear about that? My buddy Phil works there part-time selling sleeping bags. The rest of the week he's out in the woods banging married chicks. I don't think Phil's ever gonna grow up. You know what, Dad? If climbing Kilimanjaro is what you think you need to do, we'll help you. Right, Hayley? Sure, Dad. You kids are all right! You really loved her, didn't you? Yeah, we had fun. She pushed me to do things, like take adult education classes. The last one was Native American Tribal Law. I challenge you to find a bigger waste of time than that. Ah Okay, Frannie, we're digging this stiff up. What? Why?! Francine, I haven't been entirely truthful with you. - Oh, my God! - I really brought you here because I need someone to help me dump her body in Shelby Lake. I-I'm not doing that! Look, her folks want her buried in the family plot, but she told me her final resting place should be in water. Shelby Lake was where we went on our first date. Ah, we had a picnic. As the sun set, we made love. It was awful. I just laid there. Th-Th-Th-This is insane! I'm leaving! Francine, wait! I know I was a bad husband to her in life, but maybe I can be a good one to her in death. It's my last shot at redemption. Okay, Roger. But no more lies. Thanks, Francine. Now grab a shovel and dig. Okay, lunch! Mmm. All right, kids. Let's climb that mountain and break that hex! Pee break. Ow! Oh, look at the little guy. He's still alive. Oh, yeah. Resilient little fella. We should kill him. Put him out of his misery. Yeah, I'm sure he'd rather be dead than live like this. Oh, my God! They took me out here to kill me. They don't believe me climbing Kilimanjaro will break the curse. They think I'm gonna be a burden on them forever. You gonna take me out here and shoot me? Well, guess what, kids? I'm gonna kill you before you kill me. Your old man's got a few tricks up Ah! Oh, that's good. That's so good. My kids are so dead. This is so good. Dad, you should eat something. Yeah, I'm not really hungry for poison. Steve's right. You're gonna need your strength if we're gonna make it to the top of the mountain tomorrow. Whoops! Sorry! I'm just a shaky old man. Can't control my body or my mouth. Too many Mexicans! See? I don't even believe that. I believe it a little. Which one should I do first? Steve. Sorry, kiddo. I'm getting to the top of the mountain and breaking that curse, and you kids aren't gonna stop me. Hey, Papa. Looks like you did a little sleepwalking last night. You had a knife, and we figured you were gonna whittle something, so, we went ahead and did it for you. It's the five hosts of Family Feud, from Richard Dawson through Steve Harvey. You forgot John O'Hurley. I told you! What is this? Sorry. My neck boil burst. Yuck! Don't get old, huh? Oops, guess there was more boil juice in there. Shish kebab time. Papa? Hey, Papa? Papa, we found you holding a lighter. Bon Jovi's not here, Papa. You're on a mountain. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I admire what you're doing here. In fact, this might be the most noble thing you've ever done. Francine, I haven't been entirely truthful with you. Oh, come on! I don't really know where she wanted to be buried. Hell, I don't even remember her name. But one thing I do remember is her hair. I told you that no one makes a decent red wig these days. So I had to go find my own. Took her years to finally croak, but it was worth the wait. You're pretty happy, aren't you? I am content, yes. This whole trip was completely ridiculous, but you actually proved your point. What point was that? About being tenacious. You wanted a red wig so you did everything you could to get it. Oh, yeah, so I did. Pull over. I want to try the move. Five, six, seven, eight You did it! You did it! For absolutely no reason at all! Roger, I haven't been entirely truthful with you. The only reason I wanted to do the move is so I could do this! I have the car keys in my pocket, you stupid bitch I'm worried about Dad. Where did he go now? He said something about Orientals, then went to find a toothpick. Dad? Dad?! Papa?! Help! Children! I've lost my equilibrium! Dad, are you okay? Thank you for helping an old man. Now this! Ow! What are you doing?! Killing you before you kill me! No one's trying to kill you. You have dementia. Crab apples. Oh, God! I'm almost at the top. I did it. I reached the top. Make me young again. What the heck? Oh, no! Oh! Ow! Aw! Help! Still? Really? Still falling. Good boy. Oh, my God. Are you okay? No. I didn't break the hex. I'm still old. That's an understatement. You're ancient. What are you even doing out here, junking up the mountain with your old bones. Hey You should be at home, man, sitting on a super-padded toilet seat, right, right, farting out your soup, uh-huh, while your gross yellow toenails click on the linoleum. That's not very nice. Or fair. I just climbed that mountain. Did you really climb it? Or are you just having another "senior moment"? Hey, listen, I used to think like you, too, but I wrong. I accomplished a big dream of mine today, and I did it as an old man. I admit it, it's not fun being old, but we can still live rich, productive lives. Dude, you're dying, you're going to Heaven right now. Hey, if you see my grandma, ask her why her breath was so nasty. No, I'm not dying, I broke the hex! Your elder abuse made me realize how it truly feels to be old. That's what the old man wanted me to learn sympathy. Or empathy. Whichever one fits. Kids. Kids, look. I broke the hex. I'm getting young again. That's really great, Dad. Yeah, Dad, we're really proud of Oh. What? What now? All right, Dad, think. What was the last interaction you had with a black person? It was at the T-Mobile store, and it was not positive.