A Very Venture Christmas

The Venture Bros.: Season: 1 Episode: SPECIAL

[incomplete]


 * The Monarch: Phew. We almost lost one of our agents. Granted his specialty is pretty limited, but he’s an irreplaceable element of my sexy new plan to destroy Dr. Venture!
 * Dr. Girlfriend: What plan?
 * The Monarch: Oh… well. It was supposed to be a surprise. For you. For Christmas.
 * Dr. Girlfriend: Killing your arch-enemy on Christmas Eve, that’s a gift for me?
 * The Monarch: Well, I got you some stocking stuffers too…
 * Dr. Girlfriend: Unbelievable! The selfishness!
 * The Monarch: Well you hate him too! Or were you just lying on our first date!?
 * Dr. Girlfriend: (groan) So, what’s the big plan?
 * The Monarch: Hah! I’m glad you asked! Behold!! (a scale model of the Venture Compound rises from the ground) Tiny Joseph has managed to slip into the Venture Compound and cleverly booby-trap it. At the strike of midnight, Dr. Venture will place his precious porcelain baby Christ in its manger, oh, and when he does, it will set off a series of explosions that will deck his halls with bowels of Venture!
 * Dr. Girlfriend: (sighs)
 * The Monarch: What?
 * Dr. Girlfriend: That model was supposed to be a surprise.
 * The Monarch: (sheepishly)… I peeked.


 * Dr. Venture: Spirit, tell me, is this my grave?
 * Brock: (removing his hood) What’s it look like, genius?
 * (Brock and Dr. Venture are discussing gifts for the boys)
 * Brock: Well, Hank’s covered but I’m having trouble with Dean, he’s a little–
 * Dr. Venture: More effeminate?
 * Brock: (concerned) –tougher to shop for!


 * Dean: (in Dr. Venture’s dream as a Jack-in-the-Box) Why didn’t he wish me a merry Christmas? Nobody wants a Dean-in-the-Box!
 * Hank: Oops, baby Jesus is out of the manger!
 * Brock: Wha? (quickly checks his pants zipper)


 * Master Billy Quizboy: Hold the phone. Total babe alert, twelve o’clock.
 * Pete White: Oh yeah, I know her type. Watch and learn, Wilhelmina.
 * Billy: Okay, one: you’re totally gay. Two: she’s hot, and you’re an albino. And three: you’re totally gay.


 * Triana Orpheus: Dad, I can take care of myself, you know.
 * Byron Orpheus: I’m sorry, pumpkin. I trust you to defend your honor. It’s just that… MY PUMPKIN’S MAIDENHEAD IS NOT A PRIZE TO BE…
 * Triana Orpheus: DAD!


 * Dr. Venture: Ooh, Orpheus. I wasn’t expecting you to show up. Didn’t think necromancers believed in Christmas.
 * Dr. Orpheus: Well, the whole affair is about as real as Kwanzaa, or uh, the Wookiees’ Life Day, but I find it charming.


 * Hank (to Dean): That gay albino is hitting on your not girlfriend.
 * Doctor Venture (after the Krampus licks Triana’s face): What kind of kinky christmas spirit is that?!
 * Doctor Orpheus: It is Germanic in origin.


 * Dr. Venture: That’s ridiculous! There’s no such thing as Santa Claus!
 * Dr. Orpheus: Not since he was killed by a jet in 1963, no. Nor has there been a Krampus since the pope cast him into purgatory during Vatican II. But your boys seem to have inadvertently released him from his chains.
 * Hank: Dean did it! I wanted to read the Grinch!


 * (The Krampus is sodomizing Dr. Venture)
 * Dr. Venture: Brock! Come in Brock!
 * Brock: Hey, Fancy-Pants…I’ve been naughty. [tackles the Krampus] Comin’ in MY HOUSE, ON CHRISTMAS! YOU WANT SOME OF THIS, YOU CHRISTMAS PIECE OF SHIT?!


 * (after crashing in Bethlehem)
 * Dr. Venture: So what do we do here, Brock?
 * Brock: Well, that all depends. If the Israelis get here first then we might have a chance, I know some guys in the Mossad. If the PLO shows up, well, my Arabic’s a little shaky.
 * Dr. Venture: Are you kidding? Did you forget? This baby [the X-1] runs on pure plutonium, they’re gonna love us!
 * Dean: And after all, that’s what Christmas is all about!