The Witches of Langley

1 (inhales deeply) Ah, the lunchroom where the natural order of a school is put on display. For it is here that everything has its place. At the head table are the kings of the lunchroom the football players. They've already gotten more blowjobs than we'll ever get. The cheerleaders are next. Upon graduation, they will shed their pom-poms and emerge as dental hygienists. Next, it's the drama kids. SNOT: Ugh, so gross that they're always touching each other. Then the Goth kids, guys with no personality who always wear basketball shorts, the robots pretending to be kids. Then it's the dweebs, the nerds, the dorks, Bolivian kids, and, finally, we arrive at our table. - (gasps) - Hey, that's not us! Excuse me, gentlemen, this is our table. Oh, really? And what group are you guys? We are uh uh That's what I thought. From now on, this table belongs to the left-handed kids. We don't have a thing. We don't have a table! - We - (tray clatters) No-o-o-o-o-o! Hey, man. Would you like to join us over at the table for kids who overreact to things? - Really? - Psych! We're the little stinker table, and you've just been goofed! (laughter) Good morning, U. S. A. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U. S. A. Aah! Good morning, U. S. A. Come on, Steve. There's got to be a place we can eat. Oh, how about where the kid who died had his locker? That hallway's haunted. The kids who do those ghost-hunters YouTubes are devoting an entire webisode to it. I think I heard something. Do you feel a presence? Yes, it was definitely a ghost. He peed all over my pants. This isn't just about where we eat, it's about what holds us together. What's our brand? Snot, you're poor. None of us are poor. Toshi's Japanese. None of us are even Asian. A-And, Barry (munching) Barry has a true warmth of heart that none of us can come close to. Thanks for not saying "fat. " Watch where you're going, loser. Hey, that could be our thing we're all losers! No way! He's a loser, you're a dumb-ass, he's a bum, and he's from somewhere else. The only thing you guys have in common is that you're asses are about to be grasses. (screams) Get those unrelated kids! (exhales deeply) (eerie music box music plays) MAN: Go away! We're closed! I-I'm sorry. I-I just need Didn't you hear me?! Oh, hey, Steve. Roger? The name's Twanderlust Lumpkin. And this is my house of curiosities. Why did you open this weird shop full of stuff no one would ever want? Hey, you're the one who came in here. I was running from bullies. W-What's that smell? Mold! So, bullies, huh? Maybe you could use something from my shop. Let's see. This thing looks like a big shield or something. Maybe that would help to, like, block stuff. Um, and this is some sort of pewter dragon statue. You could throw it at 'em? What is this stuff? What's this book? - (eerie music plays) - No! - (music stops) - This book is not for you! In it are contained all the solutions to your problems. With it, every fear you've ever had would melt away. Hopes would be fulfilled. Dreams would become reality. Growers will become showers. You do not want this book. (cellphone chimes) Oh, my meatball hoagie's ready next door. The sandwiches are meh, but the cutest guy named Prescott makes them. I'm totally crushing on him. Right now, I'm playing it cool, just making little jokes like, "The clam chowder looks like a bowl of sperms. " Do you think I'm being too coy, or should I turn up the heat? - (door opens) - While I'm gone, don't think about that book, Steve. Don't think about that byook. (music resumes) The Art of Witchcraft. These pages are blank. (gasps) (music stops) Well, I'm back, and it could not have gone better. Prescott and I had full and complete sex beneath the meat slicer. Steve? Steve?! Huh. Nobody's here to hear my lie. Mmm. Mom, this is the best funnel cake I've ever had. You should sell funnel cakes. I don't know. You gots the goods, Ma. You're right! I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna take these funnel cakes and make something of myself! Don't tell me what you're talking about, because I'm going to the hardware store, and I want no distractions. Oh, Stan, I'd love to go with you, but I'm pretty hard at work on something. Not interested, Klaus. Yeah, WXIU's '90s Fest is coming up, and I'm making a list of all the '90s bands I hope might be there. All the bands from the '90s sucked. What about Marcy Playground? Holy crap! I straight-up forgot about Marcy Playground! They sang "Sex and Candy. " Who else is on there? Offspring, Candlebox! Oh, man! So many memories. Two memories. (insects chirping) Gentlemen, our days of being pushed around have come to an end. This is a book of magic spells. I stole it from a weird curio shop. Steve, magic's not real. If it was, the Orlando Magic would have won a championship by now. Snot, you follow basketball? I watch the finals. Listen, all I know is when I opened the book, it wrote words in front of my eyes. Look. - - - Ooh! - Whoa! That's right, Tosh! We've found our brand! We're gonna be witches! And I've already picked out our first spell. "To return that which has been lost. " The respect people used to have for air travel! We used to wear suits, God damn it! No. We're gonna get our lunch table back! I guess it's worth a shot. Okay, the the book doesn't say to hold hands. But it doesn't say not to. Goddess of Witches, hear our plea. We're just four boys in a tree. Please, Mistress Magic, if you're able, return to us our luncheon table! Okay, that's that. I-I guess we find out tomorrow if it worked. BARRY: Oh, no! Our magic didn't work! It's okay, Steve. It was a stupid idea anyway. I appreciate you trying to cast another spell, Tosh, but it's useless. Hey! He caught that with his right hand. What the What's happening to me?! I believe you're sitting at our table. Who Who are you? We're witches. (screaming) (sniffs) Witchcraft. The dread hour is upon us. Time to hunt. Is that a half-eaten roll of raw cookie dough? What was going on with me last time I was on this witch-hunter's cabinet? I got to admit, Steve, I didn't think becoming a boy witch would be so immediately rewarding. Now that we know it works, the only question is, what spell do we cast next? Here's a spell to give someone warts. Here's a spell that cures all cancer. Hmm. The boys at Big Pharma would not be happy if this little secret got out. Whoa. Check out the back section Blood Magic! These spells are really dark. This one just says "Pure Evil. " "Annal nathrak uthvas" (wind howls) (screaming) I don't like Blood Magic! Yeah, Steve. Maybe we shouldn't mess with any of this. What if we agree to take Blood Magic off the table and only use our powers to help people? We'll be good boy witches. (Steve Miller Band's "Abracadabra" plays) I heat up I can't cool down Got me spinning - Around and round - So cool. So confident. Why can't you be confident like that?! That's what I want for you! You have so much potential! You call my name I heat up like a burning flame Burning flame Full of desire Kiss me, baby Let the fire get higher Abra, abracadabra I wanna reach out and grab ya Abra, abracadabra Abracadabra You make me hot You make me sigh - You make me laugh - You make me cry Keep me burning for your love - With the touch of a velvet glove - Abra, abracadabra I wanna reach out and grab ya Abra, abracadabra (urinating) It sure has, Toshi, my friend. Hey! I understand Tosh! Oh. Cool. Boys, I think it's time to upgrade our position in the lunchroom. But we just got our table back. Yeah, but we're witches now. We shouldn't be sitting at the worst table in the cafet Worst table?! It's right by the garbage and the bathrooms! What is wrong with you? (laughter) Marshall, my good man. How's your day going? Can I hook you guys up with some butterflies? Dude, you have 10 seconds to get the heck away from this table. Marsh, it's good. We're witches now. You know the old saying quarterbacks, witches, the rest be bitches. (chuckles) All right, squeeze it in. Nothing wrong with a little thigh to thigh. There aren't enough butterflies in the world to make you cool enough to sit with us. In fact, there's fewer and fewer butterflies every year, nerd! (laughter) Embarrass me in front of everyone. He'll pay for this. Stupid Marshall. He's not stupid, Steve. He's the Federation of Christian Athletes' Scholar Baller of the Month. Don't you listen to the announcements? Hello, pod listeners. This is our brand-new podcast where we remember bands from the '90s. That's right Billy C. was in the White House, Frasier packed up his stuff and moved from Beantown to Seattle, and no one could escape the sounds of bands like - Better Than Ezra. - Cowboy Junkies. - Spin Doctors. - Toad the Wet Sprocket. - Hey, Stan? - Yeah, Klaus? Who would you say is your favorite '90s band to remember with the word "soul" in their name? Asylum, Coughing, or Collective? Easy, Collective. Collective Soul. I love remembering Collective Soul. (twinkles) What's up, my witches? What happened to your hair? - And why are you with him? - Oh, Marshall? He decided to quit football and become a boy witch. I realized I wanted to be a cool witch, like Steve, my master. See? Nothing weird. When did Marshall's eyes get milky, like a blind guy? You used Blood Magic on him! You broke our hold-hand promise! What's wrong with you?! Marshall disrespected us, and I taught him some respect. We should be running this school. We should be running this whole town. You're out of control, Steve. We only got into this so we'd have a place to eat. Place to eat?! We should be able to eat wherever we want and however we want. Marshall, churro! (munching) Ahh. We could have the whole town chewing our food. Steve, if you don't stop this right now, we will force you to stop. You can stop me, but you got to stop Marshall first. Bye-bye, boys. (growls) (breathing heavily) (gasps) (body thuds) Pretty cool, huh? On one hand, thank you. On the other, you just murdered a student! That wasn't a student. That was a zombie created by Blood Magic! I know, for I am of a line of witch hunters entrusted to protect this school. I'll find whoever made this demon. And when I do, I'm gonna crossbow his ass. If you want to keep your asses uncrossbowed, you stay away from Blood Magic, 'cause Blood Magic is dud magic. - (poignant music plays) - Oh, my God! We got to find Steve before Lewis does. Alert the Federation of Christian Athletes. Their Scholar Baller is dead. - (thunder crashes) - LORD DARKMORE: Marshall is no more. We must find a successor. And, guys, please be open to defensive players. They don't all have to be quarterbacks. Hey, no kids! Go away! Read the sign! Actually, we have a friend that came in here recently. His name is Steve Smith. Impossible! If that book were missing, I'd know. It's the shop's most priceless item. That's why I keep it in the most visible (gasps) Wha how?! It's gone! Oh, no! Now I have nothing to put on this podium! Wait. The pewter dragon! Perfect. Problem solved. (clangs) (sighs) That was the dragon, wasn't it? We used the book, and it worked. But then all the power went straight to Steve's head. When you're older, I'll show you where all the power goes straight to on me. Sorry, I-I interrupted you. Please continue. Anyway, simple magic wasn't enough, and Steve turned to using Blood Magic. Aw, crap! The guy I franchised this place from said he's yank my franchise if I ever let anyone use Blood Magic in this franchise. We got to save my franchise! He said he was gonna use it to enslave the whole town! And we don't even know where he is. Okay, let's think. If I were a whole town, where would I be? To '90s Fest! (intense classical music plays) Who is pumped for '90s Fest?! - (cheers and applause) - We're Stan and Klaus. You know that from our podcast! (cheers and applause) The '90s were great! They had bands like Luscious Jackson. Blind Melon. Alice in Chains. Veruca Salt. None of those bands will be here today. So let's say the name of a band that is here! Semisonic! (cheers and applause) - ("Closing Time" begins) - Okay, you guys go right and look for Steve. I'll take the left. Don't dally. We must act fast. - Right. - You got it! Oh, my God. She did it. - She said she was gonna do it, - and she went out and did it like a boss! Shit, I got to support. Closing time I don't see him! Old lady of witchcraft, put air in my scrote and allow this humble witch to float, float, float! Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl There he is! It doesn't even look like him! Blood Magic has taken over! One last call for alcohol Hey, man, w-we're trying to play "Closing Time. " (screaming) People of Langley, your lives as you know them are now over! Boo! Put back on whoever sings "Closing Time"! (croaks) It is now closing time on your freedom. You will all be my slaves. We have to stop him from casting spells! (magic whooshes) Who challenges me?! Don't do this, Steve! We're good boy witches, remember? I remember you laughed at me when I ate churro out of a quarterback's mouth. We didn't laugh. Die! (snarls) You may have Blood Magic, but I'll take our friendship over that any day. Die, witches! I did it. I killed the guy who cut in front of me in the funnel cake line. Oh, and there's Steve. (grunts) Check, please. (soft music plays) Oh, no. Barry! What have I done?! I'm so sorry. (sobs) ROGER: There is one way. - What? - Oh, I'm I'm sorry. I thought you said you wish there was a way you could undo this. Well, I-I didn't say that, but, yeah, I do. There is one way. There's an undo spell in the book. Anything caused by your magic will be restored to its pre-magic state. But there's just one catch. Anything! You have to promise to buy that pewter dragon off me. Fine! Just give it to me! Not the dragon, the book. Please! (whooshes) TOGETHER: Goddess of Magic, you gave us powers. They went to our head. We inconvenienced a lot of people, and Barry's now dead. Bring our magic powers to an end so we can go back to being friends. (epic music plays) What was your favorite part about being a witch? Got to be honest, Steve, it's still pretty hard to get those deaths off my mind. I did like floating. My favorite part was having a place to eat lunch! Don't worry. We'll get a table. Follow my lead. Ah. Marsh, buddy. How's that throwing arm? Are you freaking kidding me?! - (Semisonic's "Closing Time" plays) - As the sun sets on another day, the kids who get beat up by the football players find a place to call their own. Guys, I forgot to tell you, when you die, nothing happens. It's just a permanent cessation of consciousness. I know who I want to take me home