Jackie Moves On

FORMAN BASEMENT Kelso and Fez are in the basement, Eric and Donna come in KELSO: Hey you guys, guess what part of my body I nicknamed Pink Floyd! DONNA: Shut up! KELSO: Jackie thought it was cute. ERIC: Well Jackie is not here anymore. DONNA: I was over at Jackie's this morning, she's so down, it's really depressing. KELSO: She's taking the brake-up pretty hard huh. Cool! HYDE (comes in): Shut up man, you cried like a baby. KELSO: Wow! I did not cry. I had something in my eye. HYDE: For a week? KELSO: I have allergies allright (they all look at him) Is it so wrong to feel?! DONNA: Anyway, Jackie is like in really bad shape. FEZ: So Kelso, now that you and Jackie are no longer an 'item', uhm, I can ask her out right? KELSO: What? No! Since when do you like Jackie? DONNA: Yeah Fez, I don't think that's a good idea. HYDE: Yeah Fez man, that's a bad idea, Jackie's on the rebound right now. Why don't you just give her a break. KELSO: What?! Since when did YOU like Jackie? Allright does everybody here now like Jackie?! ERIC (putting his hand up): I still don't. KELSO: Thank you Eric. DONNA: Fez, Hyde was saying that Jackie is really vulnerable right now. FEZ: Yes! So I must move fast before she gets her self-esteem back! KELSO: Yeah, can't blame her for being down, after all, I did dump her. ERIC: Actually, she dumped you. KELSO: Hey, I don't like to get into specifics. FEZ: Oh go turn around the mountain. Nothing will stop me from asking Jackie out on a date. Not even....Ninja's! Fez starts to daydream. He is outside in an alley, dressed in a black pair of trousers and no top like Bruce Lee, when a bunch of Ninja's show up FEZ (dubbed out of sync): Stand back! I want Jackie and no-one will stop ME! NINJA-MASTER (also dubbed out of sync): Hahahahaha! You cannot have Jackie! I will disable you with my cat-like swiftness! FEZ: Oh Yeah?! NINJA-MASTER: Yeah! FEZ: Oh Yeah?! NINJA-MASTER: Yeah! (pulls his arm out on which he has a lot of blades instead of a hand) FEZ: Oh! He starts to fight the Ninja's, while making fight-sounds: Whoooooo! YAHHH! Then he takes on the master with some fighting sticks. The Ninja-Master scarrs his chest with his blade-hand. Fez tasts his own blood, and then makes turtle soup out of the Ninja-Master. KELSO: Fez? Go ahead Fez. Ask Jackie out. She won't go, cause you're foreign. But go ahead and ask. FEZ: You're damn right I will! (he makes a fighting noise, Kelso looks at him, weirded out) OPENING CREDITS FORMAN KITCHEN Kitty is standing at the sink, Laurie is going through Kitty's purse KITTY (takes her purse from Laurie): No Laurie, I'm not giving you 15 dollars for new hot rollers! Straight hair is not the end of the world. ERIC: Actually Mom, Lauries world is a lot smaller and much more shallow then the average person's. LAURIE: Come on Mom, curls are important for my self-esteem! ERIC: Oh, you know what else might be good for your self-esteem? Not being the village whore. LAURIE: Are you trying to start something with me little boy?! Because while you have to go to work, all I have to do is sit around and think of ways to hurt you. ERIC: Oh I don't know, as village whore I think your day's all full-up! LAURIE: Shut up! ERIC: Ha! I win! RED (coming in): You're both wrong, so can it! LAURIE (whispering): You're dead! ERIC (whispering back): Oehh I'm so scared! RED: Kitty, remember that little French restaurant down town? KITTY: Frenchies? RED: The one and only! I made reservations for tonight, Forman party of two KITTY: Well now this is so spontanious of you Red. You haven't been reading my Cosmo have you? RED: Come on Kitty, we'll get all dressed up, you can even wear my mother's necklace! KITTY: Oh, the necklace...yayyy... RED: Come on Eric, we're gonna be late. ERIC: Bye Mom. KITTY: Bye honey! (she looks upset) Oh this is awful. LAURIE: Come on Mom, French food is not that bad. Just order pommes-frites. They're french fries you know. KITTY: No honey, the necklace. I don't have it anymore. LAURIE: Really? What did you do with it? KITTY: Nothing. I said nothing. LAURIE: Mom did you gamble the necklace away?! KITTY: Okay stop it Laurie, I'll make you get a job. LAURIE: Bye! (runs out) FEZ' BEDROOM Fez is sitting on his bed with a telephone in front of him FEZ (in his mind): Okay Fez, asking Jackie out is a big opportunity for you. And if she says no, don't cry. Just be witty and polite (he picks up a piece of paper) Stick to the script. But most importantly speak slowly and e-nun-ci-ate. He picks up the phone and dials Jackie's number. Cut to Jackie's room, which is dark with candles and gloomy music JACKIE: Hello? FEZ (reading of a piece of paper and talking kinda fast): Hello Jackie, how are you doing today? I'm fine nice weather today huh. Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight? JACKIE: Okay (Fez starts to smile) Wait, who is this? FEZ: It's me, Fez. JACKIE: Oh. Okay. FEZ: I just thought, since you and Kelso are no longer dating... JACKIE: How is Michael doing? FEZ: Uhh fine I guess. Actually he seems dumber. JACKIE: Well you know what, that's great. Cause I'm doing fine too. Just fine. FEZ: Well, if you are fine, then I am dandy. You and me: fine and dandy! (silence) Did you hang up? JACKIE (checking her nails): No. FEZ: Pick you up at eight? JACKIE: Fine. FEZ: Dandy! (he puts the phone down) FORMAN LIVING ROOM Red is standing by the bar, Kitty comes down the stairs KITTY: Okay, I'm all ready so let's go. RED: Wow, you look great! KITTY: And you look sharp yourself, soooo let's go! RED: Hey, weren't you going to wear my mother's necklace? KITTY: Here it is (she pulls something from her sweater then puts it back again so fast Red can't see it) I tuck it in so I won't lose it. So, let's hit the road! (she slips into her coat) RED: Well you know, that didn't really look like the one that she gave you. KITTY: Sure it does, it looks just like it, cause it is it! Ahahahaha! Now look who is getting old, doesn't even remember what necklace his mother gave me! So let's move it out! (they leave) FORMAN KITCHEN Hyde and Laurie are having dinner HYDE: Boy Laurie, you really like that hotdog! You didn't even chew it. LAURIE: Oh hey Hyde, Father's Day is coming up, shouldn't you practice saying: Hi are you my Daddy? HYDE: Oh, by the way Laurie, the surgeon-general called, he wants you to stop hoarding all the penicillin. LAURIE: You know, when you're in prison, your bad table manners will probably just be a turn on for some guy named Tank. HYDE: Oh maybe when you're there for a conjugal visit, you can ask him to take it easy on me. LAURIE: Oh yeah well...NICE HAIR! HYDE: Oh Laurie, are you all out of put-downs? LAURIE: Yeah, I'm guessing I'm having an off-day. Even Eric burned me! HYDE: Eric burned you?! You are totally lame. LAURIE: I know, isn't that pathetic? Eric! ERIC (walking in): What about me? LAURIE: Speaking of the spinly-armed devil... ERIC: What's so pathetic? LAURIE: Nothing. At least nothing we can share with you Gomer. ERIC: Oh yeah well, NICE HAIR! Hyde and Laurie laugh racously ERIC: What?! They laugh even harder A RESTAURANT Fez and Jackie are sitting at a table FEZ: So Jackie, how is your very expensive dinner? JACKIE (really stuffing her face) : It's great. And I'm not replacing Michael with food! Are you gonna finish that? (she takes his plate and starts loading it off on her own plate) FEZ: Oh that's okay. You know this restaurant is very well know for their very expensive dinners. But, for you, it... JACKIE: Pass the butter! FEZ: Ahhh the butter. That reminds me of an amusing anecdote (he takes out a crib sheet, reads it and puts it away). Well the other day, I was in the basement... JACKIE (with her mouth full of food) : Was Michael there? FEZ: Yeah. Anyways... JACKIE (still her mouth full): He is SUCH a jerk. FEZ: Yes well anyways, back to my amusing anecdote. Well the other day I was tying my shoe and... JACKIE: HMMM (she slaps the waiter on his hand when he tries to take her plate) I'm not finished! (she takes a bite of bread) Fez, I'm so glad I came out with you tonight! FEZ: Really? JACKIE: Hm I was STARVING! (she smiles at him with a huge piece of spinach between her teet) Fez gestures with his tongue that she has something stuck in her teeth but Jackie continues smiling and talking. FORMAN BASEMENT Fez, Eric, Hyde and Kelso are playing cards KELSO: So what happened? Did you kiss her? Cause I'll kill you if you kissed her! FEZ: Ah no I didn't wanna kiss her. I wanted to give her a napkin! There was not a moment when she did not have a face full of food. I was disgusted. KELSO: Really? Hey all's forgiven buddy! (he pats Fez on the back and walks off screen) ERIC: Okay fine Hyde. You don't wanna tell me what Laurie said about me? I'm fine with that. HYDE: I'm telling you man, she didn't say anything. ERIC: Aha. Right. Because...I mean that's what Laurie's know for. NOT saying bitchy things. KELSO: Hey Hyde, what did Laurie say about Eric? HYDE: I'll tell you later man, it's so bad! (he laughs) Funny, but bad. ERIC: You got nothing. HYDE: Huh? (looks at Eric, then looks at Fez and Kelso) Yeah yeah, I got nothing... ERIC: Okay, fine...I don't care. She told you about summercamp right? FINE. They called me Dr. PeePee. I couldn't sleep on the top bunk and I was ten. So...you know who cares, I'm dr. PeePee. I'm....dr. PeePee. They all look at him in complete silence, then start to laugh KELSO: Dr. PeePee! You are SO Dr. PeePee! ERIC: Oh really? Big Chief Brownbottom! Hyde and Fez look at Kelso with open mouths KELSO (to Eric): I'm sorry! I'm sorry man! Sorry...I just...everyone shut up (he eats his Popsicle) FORMAN KITCHEN Eric is doing his homework, Red and Kitty come in ERIC: Hey, how was dinner? KITTY (walking by): Fine. Except your father wouldn't shut up about that stupid necklace. RED: Look Kitty, obviously something's going on here. So why don't you just tell me what it is? Did you lose it? KITTY: No. RED: Did you lend it to somebody? KITTY: No. RED: Then what the hell happened?! KITTY: I hocked it okay, I pawned it, I hocked it. RED: You pawned my dead mother's necklace? KITTY: Yes. And I'm not sorry, cause we got groceries for it. So I'm not sorry, I'm not sorry! And I don't feel bad! Red walks out KITTY: Oh Eric, I feel so bad! ERIC: Mom, you feel bad? Laurie told everyone about dr. PeePee! KITTY: Oh honey that's not so bad. That's cute! Oh please, I have told that story to so many... ERIC: MOM! KITTY: I didn't tell that story to anybody! (she leaves) FORMAN PORCH Jackie and Donna are sitting on the porch JACKIE (with a bag of jerky in her hand): After I finished putting all my pictures of Michael in my special Michael-box. I realised I'm so totally over him! (she starts to eat) DONNA: You liar! Look at yourself! And if you keep stuffing your face like this, you're gonna get... JACKIE: Don't even dare say it you bitch! DONNA: FAT! JACKIE: No! Nooooo! (she dreams away) JACKIE's DREAM Jackie is eating a pie, wearing pyjama's. Donna is standing in front of her JACKIE: Yep, I've almost finished my fifth pie and I'm still completely over Michael. DONNA: No. Stop. Wait. JACKIE: Hmmm blueberry! Hm. I'm feeling kinda weird (she starts to grow, just like Violet Beauregard in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and her face turns purple) What is happening to me? Oh goodness! O gracious! Oh my! Hmmmmm!! DONNA: No more pie for you (Donna rolls Jackie to the door) Okay let's go (Jackie makes weird sounds, they get to the door but she is too fat) Suck it in Jackie! FORMAN PORCH JACKIE (still stuffing herself with jerky): My God Donna I'm scared! I have to control myself! DONNA: Okay well then let's start by you handing Donna the jerky (she reaches over) JACKIE (slapping Donna): Back off you amazon! Look, I just need more time. DONNA: Okay you slapping my hand when I tried to take your jerky is something a FAT girl would do. JACKIE: OH! (eats one more bite and then hands Donna the jerky) FORMAN BASEMENT Laurie is watching TV, Fez is standing by the record player. Eric and Hyde come in ERIC: Okay Laurie, I know what you told Hyde. LAURIE: What are you talking about loser? ERIC: The camp story, dr. PeePee, you're dead! FEZ (to Hyde): What is going on? HYDE: Shh! Pretend it's TV. FEZ: Okay. ERIC: Well I know some pretty horrible things about you too little lady. Fella's, Laurie here waxes her lips, legs, eyebrows, toes and shoulderblades. LAURIE: In the fifth grade Eric sent away for the Charles Atlas kid, cause a girl kicked sand in his face. ERIC: You stuffed in highschool. LAURIE: So did you. ERIC: Last year Laurie used all of her birthday money to buy a back massager. Which isn't fooling anyone by the way... LAURIE: Well...that's not as bad as when I walked in on you in bed with your Dorothy Hamill poster and you were all... ERIC: LAURIE WAS BORN WITH A TAIL! Fez and Hyde gasp HYDE: What?! ERIC: YEAH. LAURIE WAS BORN WITH A TAIL! LAURIE: I HATE YOU!!! (she runs of crying) Hyde and Fez look really grossed out ERIC: It's true (he makes a tail wagging gestures with his finger) FORMAN KITCHEN Red is sitting at the counter, Kitty comes in KITTY: Okay Red, I'm very sorry I pawned that necklace. RED: That's okay. I've been thinking about it and it's no big deal. Let's just bygones be bygones. What do you say pretty lady? KITTY (looking very suspicious): What did you do? RED: A few months ago, I pawned the pocketwatch your Dad gave me. So we're even! Let's just get on with our lives. KITTY: Oh Red how could you? RED: Well Kitty. Who the hell needs a damn pocketwatch? "What time is it? I don't know, I'll check my pocket". See what I mean, it's just stupid. KITTY: Oh Red. RD: And I pawned the lawn-mower. And Eric's old phonographplayer and snowblower. KITTY: We had a snowblowet?! RED: Actually it was Bob's. KITTY: Well why did you get so mad at me? RED: I got mad at myself. Look, it's the man's job to support the family. And if he can't do that, it's the man's job to pawn the things to feed the family he can't support! KITTY: Okay. Okay (Red wraps his arm around her) You know, Bob's been looking for that snowblower. RED: Yeah I know Kitty. And believe you me, I'm running out of stories. FORMAN DRIVEWAY Fez and Eric are shooting some hoops, Hyde and Kelso are talking KELSO: So what you're saying is I slept with the devil? HYDE: Exactly. KELSO: She told me it was a birthmark. HYDE: It IS a birthmark. From where they cut off her tail at birth! ERIC: Guys, I'm actually starting to feel a little bad about this. FEZ: Yeah it is not right to reveal other people's secrets. I'm going to have to agree with dr. PeePee on this one. Jackie comes walking in. She is dressed in pink instead of black JACKIE: Hello boys. And how are you Michael? KELSO: Well not so good, I just got some very disturbing news. JACKIE: Well I hope you're very unhappy. Fez, can I talk to you? FEZ: Yes. JACKIE: Fez I just wanna thank you for last night. I know I wasn't my supercute self, and I'm sorry. But you're a really good friend. FEZ: But Jackie, I was hoping that perhaps we could be more then friends? JACKIE: Well, hope springs eternal Fez... How about you keep worshipping me from afar, and stay available. Just in case. FEZ: You would do that for me? (she nods) That's a sweet deal. Should we kiss on it? JACKIE: Sure! (she leans over to kiss Fez on the cheek but he turns so she touches his mouth) FEZ: Heh! JACKIE: Bye! KELSO: Allright, that's IT! (he runs over to Fez) You're a dead man! Fez jumps into his Bruce Lee fighting position, with the matching sounds and then he runs off, with Kelso behind him The end